Wikiquote:Village pump

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{{Wikiquote:Village pump/Header}}

== Help needed ==

Originally when GRP create the ED page I forgot about it, now he's doing it again, could someone help get it deleted? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:51, 1 July 2022 (UTC)

:The harder you try, the more likely it is to remain, and the more people will want to look at it. It's like that old fable of trying to catch your breath by running after it.
:My advice: let it go. Let it go. Let - it - go. [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]] ([[User talk:Antandrus|talk]]) 17:40, 2 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|Antandrus}} {{done}} will do that, thanks for the advice. Also, I got a message from them as well, [https://encyclopediadramatica.online/User:MarioMario456/talk3 here]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:34, 2 July 2022 (UTC)

== Results of Wiki Loves Folklore 2022 is out! ==

&lt;div lang=&quot;en&quot; dir=&quot;ltr&quot; class=&quot;mw-content-ltr&quot;&gt;
{{int:please-translate}}
[[File:Wiki Loves Folklore Logo.svg|right|150px|frameless]]

Hi, Greetings

The winners for '''[[c:Commons:Wiki Loves Folklore 2022|Wiki Loves Folklore 2022]]''' is announced!

We are happy to share with you winning images for this year's edition. This year saw over 8,584 images represented on commons in over 92 countries. Kindly see images '''[[:c:Commons:Wiki Loves Folklore 2022/Winners|here]]'''

Our profound gratitude to all the people who participated and organized local contests and photo walks for this project.

We hope to have you contribute to the campaign next year.

'''Thank you,'''

'''Wiki Loves Folklore International Team'''

--[[User:MediaWiki message delivery|MediaWiki message delivery]] ([[User talk:MediaWiki message delivery|talk]]) 16:12, 4 July 2022 (UTC)

&lt;/div&gt;
&lt;!-- Message sent by User:Tiven2240@metawiki using the list at https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=Distribution_list/Non-Technical_Village_Pumps_distribution_list&amp;oldid=23454230 --&gt;

== QOTD ==

&lt;span style=&quot;position: absolute; {{#ifeq:{{{hide}}}|false||{{#ifeq:{{{hide}}}|no||visibility: hidden;}}}}&quot;&gt;@[[User:Aphaia]] @[[User:BD2412]] @[[User:DannyS712]] @[[User:Ferien]] @[[User:GreenMeansGo]] @[[User:Illegitimate Barrister]] @[[User:Jusjih]] @[[User:Kalki]] @[[User:Koavf]] @[[User:Mdd]] @[[User:Miszatomic]] @[[User:Ningauble]] @[[User:Pmlineditor]] @[[User:UDScott]] @[[User:Ilovemydoodle]]&lt;/span&gt; The Main Page is missing a QOTD! – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:30, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

:Nice find. I made a redirect for the time being. Thanks. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 00:32, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|koavf}} Wow! That was fast. Also, surprised that managed to slip through. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:47, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|koavf}} Also, did you get pinged? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:48, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
:::did and got an email in my inbox. Thanks! —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:49, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
::::{{ping|koavf}} Why did you get an email? (I didn't send one) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:02, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::[[Special:Preferences#mw-prefsection-watchlist]] —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:26, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::{{ping|Koavf}} Huh? I don't see an email option there. Also, could you please deal with the massive backlog over at [[WQ:VIP]]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:36, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::My bad: [[Special:Preferences#mw-prefsection-echo]] —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:40, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
:Could you not ping all the admins in your message? This left me rather confused as there was no visible ping and I wasn't involved. If something needs urgent admin attention, please go to [[Wikiquote:Administrators' noticeboard]]. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 15:18, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
:: +1. Please do not ping multitudes of people at once, and please do not ''hide'' invisible pings so nobody can see what is going on. ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] ([[User talk:Ningauble|talk]]) 20:15, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

== Abuse Filter feedback ==

What are you thoughts on [[User talk:Koavf#Abuse Filter|my proposed additions to the Abuse Filter]]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:44, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{ping|Koavf|Ferien|Antandrus|UDScott}} Thoughts? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:21, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
::I've edited the abuse filter before, but I'm not a whiz at it. Note that blocking edits outright based on some of these filters would certainly disrupt standard editing. I feel like this is probably not the best way to stop vandalism and would want to get more consensus from the community. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:28, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{ping|koavf}} Which in particular concern you? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:40, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
::I could easily see someone writing &quot;globally blocked&quot; and tripping an abuse filter tag or your username for that matter. Of course, some settings in the abuse filter will completely block an edit from happening and others will just log that it occurred, but either way is not desirable: stopping legitimate edits is bad and a log that is full of false positives is bad. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:42, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
:::{{ping|koavf}} In my request it says that &quot;globally blocked&quot; would only trip it if it was in that specific capitalization (all letters capitalized). – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:50, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
::::But also &quot;globally blocked lta&quot; (any capitalization) and &quot;et al&quot;? Those are totally valid words that could be used. Also, as I recall, the edit filter takes a toll for computing on the backend, so it's best to not have many edit filter entries. I could be wrong about that, tho. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 07:03, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::{{ping|koavf}} Well it says that it is only applies non-auto confirmed, so not that big of a deal. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:24, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::I could easily imagine a not auto-confirmed user writing &quot;et al&quot;. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 07:26, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::{{ping|koavf}} {{done|Fixed}}&amp;nbsp; Any others remaining that you are still concerned about? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:29, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::thx/thanx would probably be it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 07:41, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::{{ping|koavf}} {{done|Fixed}}&amp;nbsp; Any more? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:52, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::I don't think so. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 08:02, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::{{ping|koavf}} So, do you support now? And can you add it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 08:05, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::This still needs consensus and I believe that the edit filter has a kind of high toll, so I'm still on the fence. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 08:07, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::{{ping|koavf}} High toll in terms of what? Also, (roughly) how many for votes for a consensus for something like this? 1? 2? 3? 5? 10? 100? The entire population of the United States?{{humor inline}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 08:09, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::Sorry that I was unclear: I've had a hard time sleeping. What I mean is that, in my recollection, the filter needs to do a lot of computing work, since it needs to review the contents of every edit in real time, so adding a lot of filter rules is advised against. I could be wrong, again, I'm not an edit filter whiz, but I have edited it a little on a couple of projects. Plus, as I called out before, there's a kind of human toll where you may end up with false positives or blocking edits that are valid and that takes manual oversight, so it's hard to know exactly what ruels will result in the most efficient use of time. As for how many are needed for consensus, I don't have a hard number in mind, but I would like to leave this open for a few weeks and I hope get a few others giving feedback, since I'm not terribly confident about my skills with the filter. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 14:23, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, I'm failing to see the point in even adding that to the abuse filter now you have made it public. The reason the abuse filter is private is to make sure LTAs have a hard time trying to edit. Not simply noticing &quot;oh I can't say these words so let me change my behaviour/what I say&quot;. This LTA is always trying to get past the abuse filter and sometimes succeeds. There is a reason this abuse filter is rarely discussed on-wiki. Discussing abuse filters should not be on talk pages, let alone anywhere near the village pump. -[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 15:54, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Propose statements for the 2022 Election Compass ==

:''&lt;div class=&quot;plainlinks&quot;&gt;[[m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia Foundation elections/2022/Announcement/Propose statements for the 2022 Election Compass|{{int:interlanguage-link-mul}}]] • [https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Translate&amp;group=page-{{urlencode:Wikimedia Foundation elections/2022/Announcement/Propose statements for the 2022 Election Compass}}&amp;language=&amp;action=page&amp;filter= {{int:please-translate}}]&lt;/div&gt;''

Hi all,

Community members in the [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia Foundation elections/2022|2022 Board of Trustees election]] are invited to [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia_Foundation_elections/2022/Community_Voting/Election_Compass|propose statements to use in the Election Compass.]]

An Election Compass is a tool to help voters select the candidates that best align with their beliefs and views. The community members will propose statements for the candidates to answer using a Lickert scale (agree/neutral/disagree). The candidates’ answers to the statements will be loaded into the Election Compass tool. Voters will use the tool by entering in their answer to the statements (agree/disagree/neutral). The results will show the candidates that best align with the voter’s beliefs and views.

Here is the timeline for the Election Compass:

July 8 - 20: Community members propose statements for the Election Compass

July 21 - 22: Elections Committee reviews statements for clarity and removes off-topic statements

July 23 - August 1: Volunteers vote on the statements

August 2 - 4: Elections Committee selects the top 15 statements

August 5 - 12: candidates align themselves with the statements

August 15: The Election Compass opens for voters to use to help guide their voting decision

The Elections Committee will select the top 15 statements at the beginning of August. The Elections Committee will oversee the process, supported by the Movement Strategy and Governance team. MSG will check that the questions are clear, there are no duplicates, no typos, and so on.

Best,

Movement Strategy and Governance

''This message was sent on behalf of the Board Selection Task Force and the Elections Committee''

[[User:Zuz (WMF)|Zuz (WMF)]] ([[User talk:Zuz (WMF)|talk]]) 13:30, 11 July 2022 (UTC)

== Add template editor right ==

Some of the most used templates here are protected so only admins can edit, which is important for stopping vandalism, but, a lot of potential for fixes and improvements within these pages is also lost because of it. So, do you think that a separate template editor right should be added? (I'm not specifically talking about me, and by &quot;improvements&quot; I don't mean radical changes) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:30, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

:I'm generally in favor of breaking off some of the admin user rights for individuals who have skills and motivation to do certain technical work (templates, interface admin) without doing things like blocking, protecting pages, deleting, etc. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 07:21, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

:This seems like a good idea to me. [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]] ([[User talk:Antandrus|talk]]) 02:54, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
:'''Support''' – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:44, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
:'''Support with caveat''' - Does this differ from 'interface editor' on other projects? [[User:ShakespeareFan00|ShakespeareFan00]] ([[User talk:ShakespeareFan00|talk]]) 14:44, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|ShakespeareFan00}} What is 'interface editor'? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 14:47, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
::: [[m:Interface_editors]][[User:ShakespeareFan00|ShakespeareFan00]] ([[User talk:ShakespeareFan00|talk]]) 15:26, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|ShakespeareFan00}} Yes, very different, 'template editor' only includes the right to edit protected templates. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:28, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
*I don't really consider myself much apart of the enwikiq community, but while I'm here just dropping a tech note. &quot;template editor&quot; currently would do nothing, for it to be useful the community would need to decide they want another protection level (normally more stringent than &quot;semiprotected&quot; and less stringent than &quot;protected&quot;); then administrators would need to actual configure this protection level on pages.  The community would need to determine how this new template editing access should be managed (normally it is &quot;by administrators&quot; technically, with varying local policy rules that you would determine), then add this group to editors that you want to be able to edit the pages that are protected at that level.  Most &quot;smaller&quot; (in terms of active editing communities) don't bother with this, the none/semi-protected/fully-protected scheme is sufficient. [[User:Xaosflux|Xaosflux]] ([[User talk:Xaosflux|talk]]) 21:32, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
:'''Oppose'''. Per [[Special:ProtectedPages]] There are currently 84 fully protected templates and no fully protected modules on this wiki. I do not think it is a good use of time to set up a user group, assign it to people and pages, create policies about use/abuse/granting/revocation, update everything else that comes along with big changes in user rights (templates, scripts, policy, help pages, interface messages, etc) when this new protection level will probably be used on 30-40 pages and will be probably only be granted to 1 or 2 people, it just seems like a lot of extra bureaucracy for not much benefit. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 00:27, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
::Noting here that only 12 projects have template editor rights enabled, and one of those is the testing wiki. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 00:50, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
: '''Oppose''' Fundamentally tainted proposal given the proposer's propensity to propose new user groups seemingly for the sake of doing so rather than to fill any actual need. [[User:Pppery|Pppery]] ([[User talk:Pppery|talk]]) 03:10, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|Pppery}} I have had many occasions where this right would be useful for me. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:13, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|Pppery}} Please see [[w:WP:HYE|WP:HYE]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:21, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|koavf}} Is this really a valid reason to vote against something? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:17, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Any reason could be valid, but I don't think this is a very compelling reason for a no and were I closing this conversation, I don't know that I would count this as being very on-topic. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:46, 19 July 2022 (UTC)

== Add revision importer right ==

{{discussion-closed-top|Withdrawn and starting new vote}}
{{center|{{Ombox|image=&amp;nbsp;|text=&lt;h3&gt;Voting results as of July 17, 2022&lt;/h2&gt;{{Election results|alliance1=Support|aspan1=4|atotal4=3|apct1=50%|party1=Support|votes1=2|party2=Strong Support|votes2=0|party3=Weak Support|votes3=1|alliance5=Oppose|aspan5=4|atotal8=5|party5=Oppose|votes5=4|party6=Strong Oppose|votes6=0|party7=Weak Oppose|votes7=1|alliance9=Other|aspan9=4|atotal12=2|vatotal12=0|party9=Neutral|votes9=2|vatotal9=0|party10=Withdrawn/re-submitted/invalid|votes10=0|party11=Comment/question|votes11=0|color1=#20ff20|color2=#008e00|color3=#72ff72|color5=#ff0000|color6=#a80000|color7=#ff6868|color9=yellow|color10=black|color11=#efefef|valid=8|invalid=2}}}}}}

{{ping|koavf}} This is still in very early stages, but here is a proposal for a new user group containing the following rights:
* &lt;code&gt;import&lt;/code&gt;
* &lt;code&gt;importupload&lt;/code&gt;
* &lt;code&gt;override-export-depth&lt;/code&gt;
* &lt;code&gt;mergehistory&lt;/code&gt;
* &lt;code&gt;tboverride&lt;/code&gt;
* &lt;code&gt;noratelimit&lt;/code&gt;
* &lt;code&gt;autoconfirmed&lt;/code&gt;
* &lt;code&gt;delete-redirect&lt;/code&gt;
* &lt;code&gt;suppressredirect&lt;/code&gt;
* &lt;code&gt;oathauth-enable&lt;/code&gt;
* The ability to self-revoke the right from yourself.
What do you think so far? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:27, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

=== Potential concerns ===

=== Comments ===

:It's not obvious to me why all of these are lumped together and it seems like straight up importer would work, if the community thought it was necessary or a bureaucrat/steward saw fit to give someone the right. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 07:22, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|koavf}} Well, I am posting this in hopes of getting it approved on phab. Also for the explanations:
::* &lt;code&gt;import&lt;/code&gt; Self-explanatory.
::* &lt;code&gt;importupload&lt;/code&gt; Self-explanatory.
::* &lt;code&gt;override-export-depth&lt;/code&gt; Useful for advanced importing.
::* &lt;code&gt;mergehistory&lt;/code&gt; For merging older revisions into page that were not originally imported.
::* &lt;code&gt;noratelimit&lt;/code&gt; In case the rate limit triggers from sending too much data.
::* &lt;code&gt;autoconfirmed&lt;/code&gt; Basic right.
::* &lt;code&gt;delete-redirect&lt;/code&gt; If a page imported page needs to be moved without redirect.
::* &lt;code&gt;oathauth-enable&lt;/code&gt; Security reasons as with other user groups.
::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:34, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I'm fine with it. If you file a ticket at [[phab:]], they will want to see more consensus than this before changing the site preferences. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:33, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Thank you! I  needed to post this here to get consensus and to get feedback on possible improvements. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:34, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::{{ping|koavf}} Also, do you think this right should be granted by stewards or bureaucrats? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:35, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::I don't see why this should have to escalate all the way up to stewards. I think the only rights that should be like that are CheckUser and Oversight, but I know that I'm in the minority on that. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:43, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::{{ping|koavf}} Wait, what rights other than those two require stewards? Also, I do agree with you. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:51, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::E.g. bureaucrats cannot remove any rights other than those that admins can and the bot flag. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 11:17, 13 July 2022 (UTC)
:'''Support''' – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:12, 13 July 2022 (UTC)
:&lt;s&gt;'''Neutral''' - I don't know that this is really needed, but I'm not as familiar with the way things work here on Wikiquote. Maybe there's a need that isn't covered by the importers user group? Maybe that group should be modified to include these additional rights? I don't know, so I'm neutral on this proposal. [[User:Nihonjoe|Nihonjoe]] ([[User talk:Nihonjoe|talk]]) 22:15, 13 July 2022 (UTC)&lt;/s&gt; Changed to oppose.
::'''Oppose''', for several reasons.
::#I think you're going out of your way to harass anyone who is voting against (or in my case, neutral about) your proposal. Your attempts to strike Ferien's vote (or any of the votes of others whose reasons you deem &quot;invalid&quot;) are especially disturbing. How about you let people have opinions that differ from yours, and leave it at that? 
::#The gigantic warning (added and continually made more obnoxious with each edit [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Wikiquote:Village_pump&amp;diff=next&amp;oldid=3143520 here], [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Wikiquote:Village_pump&amp;diff=next&amp;oldid=3143522 here], [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Wikiquote:Village_pump&amp;diff=next&amp;oldid=3143526 here], [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Wikiquote:Village_pump&amp;diff=next&amp;oldid=3143527 here], and [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Wikiquote:Village_pump&amp;diff=next&amp;oldid=3143528 here] is completely unnecessary and only serves to make you look unhinged.
::#As others have pointed out, you don't seem to fully grasp how the various user rights work, and your proposal contains a lot of unnecessary rights bundled together apparently because you want all of the bundled rights and not because they serve any useful general purpose bundled together as proposed.
::#Going off the last point, you have repeatedly failed to express valid reasons how this would be useful to anyone other than yourself.
::For all these reasons (and probably a few others I forgot while typing this), I don't see any valid need for this new user group. [[User:Nihonjoe|Nihonjoe]] ([[User talk:Nihonjoe|talk]]) 08:34, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
:'''Seems okay'''; not really sure why it is needed, but I don't seen any compelling reason for not, so I guess that's a tentative support. Open to persuasion if I am missing something. [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]] ([[User talk:Antandrus|talk]]) 02:53, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|Antandrus}} Here is some more information/context:
::&lt;code&gt;import&lt;/code&gt; I regularly need to import a lot of templates (including revisions), so this would be nice.
::&lt;code&gt;importupload&lt;/code&gt; Useful for doing the above automatically, mass-importing pages from another wiki, or importing multiple levels deep.
::&lt;code&gt;override-export-depth&lt;/code&gt; Useful for advanced importing.
::&lt;code&gt;mergehistory&lt;/code&gt; For merging older revisions into page that were not originally imported.
::&lt;code&gt;tboverride&lt;/code&gt; If a page/template you are importing contains/is on the blacklist.
::&lt;code&gt;noratelimit&lt;/code&gt; In case you trigger the rate limit for creating too many pages.
::&lt;code&gt;autoconfirmed&lt;/code&gt; Basic right. Also, similar to above.
::&lt;code&gt;delete-redirect&lt;/code&gt; Deleting a page after it has been merged.
::&lt;code&gt;suppressredirect&lt;/code&gt; Same as above.
::&lt;code&gt;oathauth-enable&lt;/code&gt; Security reasons as with other user groups.
::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:06, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
:'''Oppose''' Import is quite a dangerous tool. On Simple English Wikipedia we do have the importer right but it is rarely used or given out, mainly because you have to be really trusted to use it. Seeing as import could cause so much damage and that damage isn't really reversible without admin tools, you have to have a very large amount of trust in someone to give them import, and at that point if you can trust them so much to use import properly, why not give admin so they can clear up any mess they might make as well. While this is the general attitude on simplewiki, it applies to any WMF site. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 15:56, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|Ferien}} Yes, it is a powerful tool, but why are you against this? If it is dangerous, we'll just be extra careful when giving out, like any other user right. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:01, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
:::It's a powerful tool and it's very difficult to reverse mistakes if you are not an admin. If you're not careful, you can import dozens of templates at once that may not be the ones you wanted to import, and you have to fix these pages or call an admin to delete these pages manually. I am also not voting against you as you seem to be implying below, import is already included in admin and so you are suggesting it should be given to non-admins, which I oppose for the reasons above. [[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 20:44, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
::::{{ping|Ferien}} It already '''is''' given to non-admins on many other wikis. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:50, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::{{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, but not on Wikiquote. Just because many other wikis have done it wrong doesn't mean we should do it wrong too. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 20:10, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::{{ping|Ferien}}
::::::{{Blockquote|Just because many other wikis have done it wrong}}
::::::I am not sure if this is humorous or not, but, if it isn't: 
::::::: This is a ridiculous comment, just because you don't agree doesn't make it &quot;wrong&quot;. Considering this has been done on dozens of wikis, it is probably a good choice for at-least some wikis. By making this comment, it makes your original vote look like it was made in bad faith.
::::::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:23, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::{{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, they have done it wrong ''in my opinion''. Your opinion may be different but as I said, I think the same applies for most wikis and unless you are including delete in importer or importer is only added if you have a role like one on some wikis called eliminator which has delete tools and block tools, but not protection, abuse filter etc, I do not think importer on its own is appropriate. That does not make my !vote done in bad faith. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 20:26, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::{{ping|Ferien}} If you don't think this should be done on ''any'' wiki, make a request on meta, rather than voting here. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:30, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::{{ping|Ferien}} Since your vote is about generally being against the &lt;code&gt;import&lt;/code&gt; right for non-admins and not specifically about my request, may I please strike it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:33, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::{{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, not sure why you want to strike my vote, because that is exactly what your request is about. While it doesn't specify non-admins specifically or mention non-admins, that is exactly what you are asking for. Admins already have the import right. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 20:35, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::{{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, I never said that importer being given on other wikis should be reversed. That wouldn't be done on meta anyway, it'd be done for individual communities as they decided to add it there. If other wikis feel that's what works for them, then that's fine. I am not really part of many other wikis' community. Only simplewiki, enwikiquote and to some extent metawiki and enwiki. However, what you were suggesting was that we should give non-admins importer on this wiki because it's done on other wikis, and as I disagree with the importer right being separate as a whole, I do not agree with that argument. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 20:33, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::{{ping|Ferien}}
::::::::::{{Blockquote|However, what you were suggesting was that we should give non-admins importer on this wiki because it's done on other wikis, and as I disagree with the importer right being separate as a whole, I do not agree with that argument.}}
::::::::::I am suggesting it should be done &quot;because it is done on other wikis&quot;, I was just pointing that out. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:38, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::{{ping|Ferien}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 08:03, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::{{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, I have already read the message. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 08:52, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::{{ping|Ferien}} Could explain exactly ''why'' you oppose '''''the creation''''' of this right? You have already explained that it is dangerous right, in your opinion, and should be restricted, but why do you not want it created? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 09:04, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|Koavf}} What are your thoughts on this reply? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:17, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Whether we should have importers and who should be importers are two different things. Admins have all these rights and more, so I don't see the problem. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:17, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
::::{{ping|ferien|koavf}} {{u|Koavf}}, just what I was thinking! This isn't an RfRI, this is a feature request. While I would like to have it, whether I get should be held in a vote for that, not if should exist at all. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:33, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::{{ping|Koavf}} Can the vote be striken-off as invalid? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:33, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::So I assume you're talking about my vote? Is there any reason why it should be struck as invalid? --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 20:40, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::No. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 10:46, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{ping|Kalki}} Could you vote? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:42, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
:: I do not see any compelling need for creating such a user group, and do see that it could develop complications and problems that would have to be sorted out in often tedious ways. ~ &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 20:44, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I also '''oppose''' this - for many of the reasons already articulated above. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:29, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
::::{{ping|Kalki|UDScott}} Could you be more specific, so I could try to improve/re-submit this? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 16:08, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
::::{{ping|UDScott}} Could you give me some recommendations on how to improve my proposal? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:08, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::It's not a matter of making tweaks to your proposal that will suddenly convince me - I just don't think this is something we want. I would rather see more users become admins if qualified, rather than adding more roles. I also worry about imports being done improperly and causing other issues. Bottom line is that I just don't see the value in doing this, regardless of how the proposal to do so is worded. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 17:57, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::{{ping|UDScott}}
::::::{{Blockquote|I also worry about imports being done improperly and causing other issues.}}
::::::Well, I would assume if someone is given, they would know how to import properly. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:02, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::That's quite the logical fallacy you've got going there. Just because someone has garnered enough support to be granted a role in no way means that a process will be performed correctly. Everyone who has been in the admin role has at one time or another made an error - because of a misunderstanding, a lack of technical ability, or simply a mistake. The nomination and approval process that results in one gaining a role does not remove risk of issues. I just don't see the need for this role, especially given the risk involved (and the fact that if errors are made, it is a bit tedious to correct them). I do not support this proposal - I've explained this multiple times, even though I don't believe that I need to justify my lack of support. And a tip, especially as we are in active discussion: there's really no need to continually ping me every time you respond. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 18:12, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::{{ping|UDScott}} As {{u|Koavf}} said, &quot;Whether we should have importers and who should be importers are two different things. Admins have all these rights and more, so I don't see the problem.&quot; Wouldn't that also apply to this vote?
::::::::{{Blockquote|And a tip, especially as we are in active discussion: there's really no need to continually ping me every time you respond.}}
::::::::That's usually how a one-to-one discussion works.
::::::::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:20, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::I am applying it to this vote - to me the risk is too high for ''any''one to have it when I don't see the need for it. And no, pinging someone and just addressing them in the text of the conversation are two different things. Imagine if we were standing at a door having a discussion. You could easily say my name and make your point - or you could ring the doorbell every time before you speak. One is standard behavior and the other is a bit annoying - see the difference? IMHO, pinging should only be used when you have received no response and wish to gain someone's attention. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 18:26, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::What exactly ''are'' the risks to importing? I understand how it could be used maliciously (e.g. spamming, faking edits, etc.), but I don't see how it could be destructive when used in good faith. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:32, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::I believe Ferien outlined the issues very well above. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 18:34, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::{{ping|UDScott}} Well, there already are the &lt;code&gt;import&lt;/code&gt; and &lt;code&gt;importupload&lt;/code&gt; user rights. I never said what the requirements would be or how strictly it would be given out, only the user rights it would contain and how it would work. Are you against the very idea of non-developers importing? And if so, wouldn't you the rights removed entirely? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:41, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{ping|koavf}} Do you have any suggestions as to how I could improve this proposal? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 16:26, 15 July 2022 (UTC)
::I do not. It seems like community consensus is tilting against it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 00:58, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
:::{{ping|koavf}} Currently the results are: 3 Support, 1 Neutral, 3 Oppose. So, even. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:07, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
: '''oppose''' does not seem needed or useful, extremely sensitive rights --[[User:DannyS712|DannyS712]] ([[User talk:DannyS712|talk]]) 21:51, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|DannyS712}} Please explain further. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:30, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
: '''neutral''' I was aksed to leave feedback, but I rarely edit Wikiquote, how often would this need to be used? [[User:ShakespeareFan00|ShakespeareFan00]] ([[User talk:ShakespeareFan00|talk]]) 14:54, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|ShakespeareFan00}} Very often. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 14:56, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
:According to [[Special:log/import]] since the software started logging imports in late 2007 the right has been used a grand total of 171 times, with 97 of those uses being the same person on the same day in 2019. The claim that this would be used &quot;very often&quot; appears to have no basis in the available facts. A breakdown of yearly usage stats for this right:
{{collapse|
:*2022 - 1 import
:*2021 - 16 imports
:*2020 - 2 imports
:*2019 - 98 imports
:*2018 - no imports
:*2017 - no imports
:*2016 - 1 import
:*2015 - no imports
:*2014 - no imports
:*2013 - no imports
:*2012 - no imports
:*2011 - 16 imports
:*2010 - no imports
:*2009 - no imports
:*2008 - 37 imports}}
:There are also some parts of this proposal that seem bizarre and poorly thought out to me - e.g. why are you including autoconfirmed in this group? Anyone with this right should already be autoconfirmed - this isn't something that should be given to newbies. History merging is quite possibly the most dangerous user right on the site, and should not be given to anyone except admins who have the technical ability to fix any messes it creates. In what situations is the &quot;delete-redirect&quot; right going to be useful - pages don't need to have the exact same name on all wikis, and if there's an existing template redirect in the way importing a new template over the top of it could cause a disaster. &quot;Supress redirect&quot; seems to be unrelated to the act of actually importing pages and seems to have been chucked in so you can history merge stuff? Wikiquote also already has the unused [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:ListUsers&amp;group=import importer] and [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:ListUsers&amp;group=transwiki transwiki importers] user groups, which seem to do exactly what you're already asking for.
:I don't know if wikiquote allows IP votes in policy decisions, but I would '''Oppose''' this proposal on the basis that the import functionality is so rarely used that the current workload can easily be handled by existing admins, this particular proposal seems to be poorly thought out and bundles a load of rights together that are, at best, tangentially related to importing pages, and that user groups to allow users to import pages already exist. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 20:09, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
::# Autoconfirmed is a basic right.
::# How is history merging the most dangerous???
::# Delete-redirect is '''required''' for this to be done properly '''most''' of the time.
::::* Because it is needed if new revisions are added to the page that the revisions are being imported from.
::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:18, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
::Also, '''please''' read the banner at the top. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:19, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|192.76.8.85}} Does this count as a vote or comment. (I am assuming a vote for the timebeing) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:25, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I don't know why you're directing me to read your idiotically large, obnoxious banner (made extra large and obnoxious in response to my comment!) and to ask you for technical explanations when your responses here are utter nonsense and demonstrate that you don't actually understand what you're proposing.
:::*''Autoconfirmed is a basic right.'' - yes, which is why it is utterly pointless to bundle it into an advanced user right supposed to be given to trusted members of the community.  Everyone who is granted the import right will already be autoconfirmed. There is no point giving them the right again, it makes as much sense as giving the &lt;code&gt;edit&lt;/code&gt; right to admins.
:::*''How is history merging the most dangerous???'' - because it can easily make an enormous mess and it has no &quot;undo&quot; functionality. If you accidentally merge together two pages with long co-existent history the only way to unmerge them is to delete the page then manually undelete individual revisions one at a time to separate the page histories out again. Fixing a history merge mistake can take literally hours. It is also completely unnecessary for importers to have this right because it is already built into the import function.
:::*''Delete-redirect is required for this to be done properly most of the time. Because it is needed if new revisions are added to the page that the revisions are being imported from.'' - this makes no sense at all, I actually cannot understand what you are trying to say here. The import function can directly add old revisions to an existing page, you just set the import location to the title of the extant page - you don't have to import pages to some other title then merge them together afterwards.
:::You can consider this to be a vote. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 20:50, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
::::* History merge '''is''' necessary for the follow reason:
::::** Let’s say that Person 1 ''manually'' imports Page 1 to Page 2, then Person 2 (who is an importer) wants to properly import the revisions, but in between these two events Person 3 has modified Page 1, this would cause the import to fail. So what the importer would do is:
::::**# Import the original page to Page 3.
::::**# Merge all revisions in Page 3 (before Person 1 copied Page 1 to Page 2) into Page 2.
::::**# Redirect Page 2 to Page 3.
::::**# Merge all revisions before the redirect in Page 2 into Page 3.
::::**# Use &lt;code&gt;delete-redirect&lt;/code&gt; to delete Page 2.
::::**# Use &lt;code&gt;supressredirect&lt;/code&gt; to move Page 3 to Page 2.
::::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:59, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::This doesn't make any kind of sense. You import the page with it's whole history, split the history via the history merge function (?), then combine the history back together, then delete the mess of pages you created? What you would end up with if you followed those instructions is page 3 with the entire edition history of persons 1 2 and 3 included?
:::::Again, this work flow is complete and utter nonsense. If you want to perform an import and merge revisions into existing page then you just have to tell the import tool to include history information, and the merge will be done for you. If you just want to import the revisions from before the history fork then make an XML dump of the revisions you want and import that. There is no need at all for this histmerge and redirect mess.
:::::Fundamentally though fixing history forking issues is not a job for page importers - it is a job for administrators who have access to the proper page deletion, undeletion and history toolbox. It makes no sense to give users some administrative tools to allow them to, via a unnecessarily convoluted methods, fix an issue that has never actually occurred to date. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 21:33, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::I have this issue very often, that's why I proposed it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:36, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::{{ping|Koavf}} Is history merge very dangerous? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:43, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::What &quot;issue&quot; are you actually having, because &quot;import revisions from another wiki and merge them into an existing page&quot; is functionality that the import tool already has - you don't need all the extra user rights to do it. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 21:44, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::I meant merging within a wiki. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:47, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::&quot;merging within a wiki&quot; is not a part of any sensible workflow for importing pages. User rights should be set up as groups of related rights that multiple people should find useful, that have similar access requirements, and generally the ability to do an action should be bundled with the ability to undo it. Creating a user group isn't an opportunity to put together a &quot;grab bag&quot; of rights that you personally think you would like. An &quot;importer&quot; right should just contain the stuff needed to import pages, i.e. &lt;code&gt;import&lt;/code&gt; and &lt;code&gt;importupload&lt;/code&gt;. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 21:57, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::That why is called &quot;'''revision''' importer&quot; and not just &quot;importer&quot;. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:58, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::And what is the supposed difference between this &quot;revision importer&quot; and the regular &quot;importer&quot; right? You can already import revisions and add them to the history of pages using the &lt;code&gt;import&lt;/code&gt; and &lt;code&gt;importupload&lt;/code&gt; rights. To me this looks like a combination of you not actually knowing what the import right does, a bunch of utterly bizarre suggestions (like the bundled autoconfirmed right) and you trying to make your own personal user group with just the stuff you want in it. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 22:03, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::Maybe &quot;revision editor&quot; or &quot;revision manager&quot; would be a more accurate title? Also, this isn't just for me. If it was, it would also include many other rights (e.g. rollback, templateeditor). – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:06, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::We already have a user group that allows certain people to edit page histories, they're called &quot;administrators&quot;. I do not think a user group which allows editors to screw up page histories but does not include the tools to fix them is a good idea. ''this isn't just for me.'' seems to be in direct contradiction to your statement below that the big issue with the existing importer groups is that ''Neither of which fully covers my needs.'' which is it - a general &quot;importer&quot; group for everyone, or a user group specifically tailored to what you want to do. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 00:41, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::A revision editor would be for '''revisions''', not general administrative rights. Revisions editing includes imports. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:42, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::What is the difference between &quot;general administrative rights&quot; and &quot;revision&quot; rights. They are, as far as I can tell, the same thing. Pages on wikis are nothing but a string of revisions, how is messing around with revisions a distinct operation from messing around with pages? [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 00:50, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
::I didn’t say it ''was'' used very often, I said it ''would'' be used very often, '''if implemented'''. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:15, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
*I got pinged here from enwiki: enwikiquote already has local admins which have transwiki access, and if there is a good reason this community needs xmlimports the &quot;importer&quot; group could also be added via the existing group process. xmlimport can be &quot;dangerous&quot; so I'd suggest that you not add it to anyone that wouldn't otherwise qualify as an interface admin here. [[User:Xaosflux|Xaosflux]] ([[User talk:Xaosflux|talk]]) 21:25, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
*:{{ping|Xaosflux}} This would only be given to users who are '''at least''' as trustworthy as interface admins. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:29, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
*::{{ping|Xaosflux}} Also, could you ask me more questions, so you could come to a final decision? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:31, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
*:::I don't really consider myself part of the enwikiquote community - the primary governance of permissions for this project belongs to them. [[User:Xaosflux|Xaosflux]] ([[User talk:Xaosflux|talk]]) 21:36, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
*::::{{ping|Xaosflux}} Please, very few regulars here actually vote in these. Outside feedback would be very helpful. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:38, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
*:wikiquote already has [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:ListUsers&amp;group=import importer] and [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:ListUsers&amp;group=transwiki transwiki importer] groups, but they're not currently used. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 21:35, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
*::Neither of which fully covers my needs. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:37, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
{{discussion-closed-bottom}}

== Reverse-protection cross-(wiki?) RfC (phab) ==

What is your opinion on [[phab:T312835|this]] feature request? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:45, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

== QOTD emergency ==

{{:WQT:PAA|hide=false}} QOTD is missing! {{done}} by Kalki. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:22, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
: I just posted it a couple minutes ago — it is certainly NOT any extraordinary emergency. ~ &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 00:25, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{ping|Kalki}} Was already marking as fixed while you were leaving your comment. In-fact a got an edit conflict message. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:27, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
::{{redlink|Redlinks}} on the front page are a pretty big deal. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:07, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
:::{{ping|koavf}} Absolutely agreed. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:38, 14 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, please stop pinging all administrators. If there is genuinely an emergency like this that needs an admin, please make your way to [[Wikiquote:Administrators' noticeboard]]. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 15:23, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Notice about the revision importer proposal ==

Originally it was planned to be a discussion only for feedback and improvement, and not a vote since it was nowhere near done. But it accidentally turned into a vote, and as such, failed, as I could provide sufficient information about purpose or how it would work. I will be closing it shortly. I will start a new only for feedback and not voting, after I think it is sufficiently done, I will start a new vote. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:54, 18 July 2022 (UTC)

== Feedback on proposal for new user right ==

{{Notice box|text='''This is not a vote,''' this is simply a discussion related to improving and fixing potential issues with this proposal, users who oppose this may provide feedback on how to make it less unappealing to them, but if you are entirely against it and have no constructive feedback to offer, '''do not comment here.'''&lt;br&gt;&lt;big&gt;You may also ask questions here, '''regardless of what you think of the proposal.'''&lt;/big&gt;}}

This is a proposal for a 'revision importer' right, this would be primarily used for cross-wiki importing, though it will also be used for other purposes.

This is needed because a lot of pages and templates that exist on other wikis do not exist here. Also, this can also be used for importing lost pages from dead wikis. (e.g. simple English Wikiquote)

This right would be appointed by bureaucrats.

Here are the user rights it is planned to contain so far:

{{:User:Ilovemydoodle/proposal/usergroups/revision importer}}

Here are the reasons for each right:
* &lt;code&gt;import&lt;/code&gt; — Self-explanatory.
* &lt;code&gt;importupload&lt;/code&gt; — Self-explanatory. Also helpful for mass-importing pages and in cases where revisions need to manually be modified.
* &lt;code&gt;mergehistory&lt;/code&gt; — This is needed if a template that has been imported, has been updated on another wiki.
* &lt;code&gt;tboverride&lt;/code&gt; — If an imported page is on the title blacklist.
* &lt;code&gt;autoconfirmed&lt;/code&gt; — Potential rate limit issues. (this might not be neccessary)
* &lt;code&gt;delete-redirect&lt;/code&gt; — Similar to &lt;code&gt;mergehistory&lt;/code&gt;
* &lt;code&gt;suppressredirect&lt;/code&gt; — Same as &lt;code&gt;delete-redirect&lt;/code&gt;
* &lt;code&gt;oathauth-enable&lt;/code&gt; — Security reasons as with other rights.

=== Examples ===

Here are some examples where this right would preform better than regular importers or administrators.

==== 1 ====

Let’s say that Person 1 ''manually'' imports Page 1 to Page 2, then Person 2 (who is a revision importer) wants to properly import the revisions, but in between these two events, Person 3 has modified Page 1, this would mean that if it was imported traditionally it would either fail, or would appear to succeed, but all revisions in-between wouldn't be valid for this wiki. (e.g. if a template has to have all mentions of 'Wikipedia' changed to 'Wikiquote', this is pretty obvious, but you could imagine more subtle issues). Then, if someone didn't like certain changes that were made, and rolled-back to an earlier revision, the new versiom wouldn't be valid for this wiki. With this type of importing, the revision import could manually edit the revisions before importing, so all revision would be valid. This could be done via the following process: 

# Import the original page (from the other wiki) to Page 3.
# Merge all revisions in Page 3 (before Person 1 copied Page 1 to Page 2) into Page 2.
# Redirect Page 2 to Page 3.
# Merge all revisions before the redirect in Page 2 into Page 3.
# Use &lt;code&gt;delete-redirect&lt;/code&gt; to delete Page 2.
# Use &lt;code&gt;supressredirect&lt;/code&gt; to move Page 3 to Page 2.

=== Comments ===

– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:07, 18 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{ping|AC9016|Nihonjoe|Antandrus|Koavf|Stang|ShakespeareFan00|Rubbish computer|Dave Braunschweig|Atcovi|Ottawahitech}} Thoughts? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:29, 18 July 2022 (UTC)

Why are you wasting everyone's time by repeating the exact same discussion as above which will lead to the exact same conclusion? This is an terrible idea for a user group - it is completely redundant to the existing &quot;import&quot; group, contains a load of disjointed and disconnected rights that have no business being bundled together and per the discussion above the proposer is unable to justify why this group should exist or what purpose it is supposed to serve. Going through the list of rights:
* &lt;code&gt;import&lt;/code&gt; — Already in the import group
* &lt;code&gt;importupload&lt;/code&gt; — Already in the import group
* &lt;code&gt;override-export-depth&lt;/code&gt; — Not enabled anywhere for any user group, even stewards. Has the ability to crash medium to large wikis, so the devs are unlikely to approve enabling. The proposer doesn't appear to understand what this does, it has nothing to do with templates, it's intended for content pages, when you export a page with this setting enabled it also exports all linked pages, and all pages linked to those pages and so on until you hit the depth limit.
* &lt;code&gt;mergehistory&lt;/code&gt; — Unneeded, Import can already merge page histories, extremely dangerous and can easily make a huge mess, should remain restricted to administrators.
* &lt;code&gt;tboverride&lt;/code&gt; — Unneeded. Not a frequently occurring issue, if a title is deemed unsuitable by the blacklist it can just be imported to a different title, pages don't need to have the same name everywhere.
* &lt;code&gt;noratelimit&lt;/code&gt; — Unneeded, no-one should be importing pages so quickly they hit the rate limit.
* &lt;code&gt;autoconfirmed&lt;/code&gt; — Unneeded - everyone even being considered for import user rights should be autoconfirmed.
* &lt;code&gt;delete-redirect&lt;/code&gt; — Unneeded, not related to importing pages, only included because the proposer apparently doesn't understand how importing pages works.
* &lt;code&gt;suppressredirect&lt;/code&gt; — Unneeded, not related to importing pages, only included because the proposer apparently doesn't understand how importing pages works.
* &lt;code&gt;oathauth-enable&lt;/code&gt; — Already in the import group
The &quot;proposed&quot; user rights are not possible to implement (the database doesn't track which revisions have been imported) would not get past wmf legal (you cannot view any kind of deleted content without passing an RFA or equivalent process) and duplicate existing admin functionality.

My opinion is that the proposer here does not understand what they are proposing, how user rights work, how importing work and has no idea what this user group is supposed to be used for. I am unimpressed that rather than answering the question &quot;what is this supposed to be used for and how is it different from importer/administrator rights&quot; they have decided to shut down the discussion above and start another one on exactly the same thing. I am even more unimpressed that they have left another &quot;notice&quot; telling people that unless they are coming here to tell them how amazing their idea is they are unwelcome to comment. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 01:54, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
: '''This is not a vote,''' please read the header. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:55, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
::Can you please point out where I voted? '''Please read my comment'''. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 01:56, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
:::&lt;code&gt;override-export-depth&lt;/code&gt; — This might a problem, I will look into this. Thanks for the feedback.
:::&lt;code&gt;mergehistory&lt;/code&gt; — Already explained.
:::&lt;code&gt;tboverride&lt;/code&gt; Not frequent, but if you are importing a lot of pages, this could be an issue.
:::&lt;code&gt;autoconfirmed&lt;/code&gt; Specific cases (e.g. second account, changing accounts, bots, etc.), also there is no harm to adding this right.
:::&lt;code&gt;delete-redirect&lt;/code&gt; — Already explained.
:::&lt;code&gt;supressredirect&lt;/code&gt; — Already explained.
:::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:03, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
::::You haven't &quot;explained &lt;code&gt;mergehistory&lt;/code&gt; &lt;code&gt;delete-redirect&lt;/code&gt; &lt;code&gt;supressredirect&lt;/code&gt;. You've posted a completely ridiculous workflow which would involve using them to do something the import right can already do.
::::Why would &lt;code&gt;tboverride&lt;/code&gt; be useful? What kinds of pages are you intending to import where the title would be so terrible it would hit an entry on the blacklist.
::::&lt;code&gt;noratelimit&lt;/code&gt; you clearly do not understand what this does, I'll give you a clue, it has nothing to do with the &quot;amount of data&quot; that you're sending to the server. Another clue, import actions aren't even rate limited.
::::&lt;code&gt;autoconfirmed&lt;/code&gt; why on earth would you include a user right that the person already has? It's a complete waste of time. If for some reason you need to import pages using a brand new alt account why couldn't you do the normal thing, and assign the user the &quot;confirmed&quot; user rights?
::::You still haven't answered the fundamental question - what is this right supposed to do that the &quot;import&quot; right can't already do, and why do you need all these extra user rights to re-implement functionality that already exists. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 02:16, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::How do you ''modify'' a revision with regular import? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:22, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::You can use the &quot;import from a file&quot; option and edit the XML before you upload it. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 09:05, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::...which would require the removal and replacement of the existing revisions. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 09:09, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Why would you be replacing revisions with things that didn't actually exist? The whole point of the page history is to serve as the legally required record of who contributed what content to a page - there is no situation whatsoever where it would be appropriate to replace actual revisions with stuff you made up. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 09:12, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Please see example 1. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 09:13, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::example 1 is a completely ridiculous workflow that only demonstrates that you don't actually understand how anything works. Even so, at what stage of example 1 do you need to make up revisions that don't actually exist? [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 09:19, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::Anywhere between 2 and 4. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 09:21, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
:This user right would '''not''' allow a user to view deleted content. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:12, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
::The &lt;code&gt;view-deleted-imported-revision&lt;/code&gt; would fall afoul of [[meta:Limits to configuration changes]], specifically ''Allow non-admins to view deleted stuff''. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 02:17, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
:::It would only allow the viewing of content deleted using this right, which would be stored separately to admin-deleted content. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:19, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Again, you don't appear to understand how anything actually works. Mediawiki doesn't store deleted revisions separately, they're in the main revision table but flagged as deleted. Non-admins are banned from viewing deleted content, it doesn't matter how it was deleted or what user right was involved. This is a hard limit by the WMF legal department and cannot be overturned via feature requests or consensus. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 09:08, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::There is a way of storing it separately. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 09:09, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::Not in the current version of Mediawiki there isn't. Even suppressed material is stored in the main revision table with the &lt;code&gt;DELETED_RESTRICTED&lt;/code&gt; flag set. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 09:17, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::It would be stored in the main archive table, it would be differentiated using the unused field &lt;code&gt;ar_flags&lt;/code&gt; – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 09:20, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{ping|koavf}} Do you think more should be addressed in this proposal? If so, what? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:50, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
::No. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:37, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
:::{{ping|Koavf}} Sorry, I just realized this now, I meant to say &quot;more questions addressed&quot;. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:53, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Not really. I just think this is your proposal. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:24, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::{{ping|koavf}} Do you support it so far? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:25, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::{{ping|koavf}} Also, what do you think the requirements to get this right should be? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:29, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::Just asking for them and the community voting, just like with other rights. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:46, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::I don't object, but I don't have strong feelings on it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:47, 19 July 2022 (UTC)

I'm not a frequent contributor to Wikiquote, but I was asked to comment. I don't see a problem with the overall proposal if it meets a community need. However, I would not include &lt;code&gt;noratelimit&lt;/code&gt;. There's almost no legitimate reason for a human being to trigger that limit. Save that right for bots. -- [[User:Dave Braunschweig|Dave Braunschweig]] ([[User talk:Dave Braunschweig|talk]]) 16:58, 18 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:06, 18 July 2022 (UTC)
*First of all, you should not have started another discussion. It was going fine and people were still giving their opinions on it. In fact there was a point I wanted to respond to you on but couldn't because you closed the discussion. Secondly, seeing as 50% of people opposed, and only 30% supported, I'm just curious why you are still trying to push this idea and encouraging others to not oppose it despite quite a clear result voting-wise but also consensus-wise that the community doesn't want this. And I'm especially concerned about how you have closed another discussion and opened another one where apparently if you are entirely against the proposal, you are not allowed to comment. This makes it harder to find the community consensus that seemed to quite clearly be &quot;we don't want this.&quot; --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 19:42, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
*:The main issue provided was that there wasn’t any reason to do this (because I did not include one in the original vote), so I am trying to redo this in a better way. Thanks. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:44, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
*::You could have always edited the reason in the original discussion, and that would have had the benefit of not freezing the discussion for everyone else who participated... --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 19:50, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
*:::Well, I am redoing the ''whole'' proposal, so most of those votes won't matter anymore. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:53, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
*::::It seems like the proposal is very similar to the one you just suggested. Just because ''you'' don't think those &quot;votes&quot; don't matter anymore doesn't mean you should move to a completely different discussion on the exact same topic, with some bizarre restrictions on what I should comment and what I should not. I see no reason for you to have opened another discussion and am considering merging it so the community are more aware about what your plans are. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 21:46, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
*:::::The original vote was poorly conceived, this is my second attempt, please don't associate this with the original. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:50, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
*::::::Sorry but I see no reason to not associate this with the original proposal. Yes, there are a couple of changes based on feedback, however your proposal is essentially the same, but instead, you have decided to discourage people opposed to it from commenting. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 09:13, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
*Ok seeing as my opinion is clear at this point - that giving importer to non-admins is generally a bad idea - let's focus on the problems with this proposal. Autoconfirmed is unnecessary. It shouldn't affect rate limit, for autoconfirmed users. Merge history is not needed, although I'm unsure if this is included within importer - you can just import the page again, or update it manually for situations where it's updated on one wiki but not another - which is rare. tboverride - not sure when an imported page would ever be on the title blacklist? Overall, seems as though even more unnecessary admin-level tools are going into a right where not as much trust is necessary. If a person needs this many rights, why not get admin?? --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 21:40, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

== Sorry ==

For leaving feedback requests on far too many user pages, I have stopped, and will only ask users that are actually interested, and can help. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:19, 18 July 2022 (UTC)

== Movement Strategy and Governance News - Issue 7 ==

&lt;div style = &quot;line-height: 1.2&quot;&gt;
&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:200%;&quot;&gt;'''Movement Strategy and Governance News'''&lt;/span&gt;&lt;br&gt;
&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:120%; color:#404040;&quot;&gt;'''Issue 7, July-September 2022'''&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:120%; float:right;&quot;&gt;[[m:Special:MyLanguage/Movement Strategy and Governance/Newsletter/7|'''Read the full newsletter''']]&lt;/span&gt; 
----
Welcome to the 7th issue of Movement Strategy and Governance News! The newsletter distributes relevant news and events about the implementation of Wikimedia's [[:m:Special:MyLanguage/Movement Strategy/Initiatives|Movement Strategy recommendations]], other relevant topics regarding Movement governance, as well as different projects and activities supported by the Movement Strategy and Governance (MSG) team of the Wikimedia Foundation.  

The MSG Newsletter is delivered quarterly, while the more frequent [[:m:Special:MyLanguage/Movement Strategy/Updates|Movement Strategy Weekly]] will be delivered weekly. Please remember to subscribe [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Global message delivery/Targets/MSG Newsletter Subscription|here]] if you would like to receive future issues of this newsletter.
&lt;/div&gt;&lt;div style=&quot;margin-top:3px; padding:10px 10px 10px 20px; background:#fffff; border:2px solid #808080; border-radius:4px; font-size:100%;&quot;&gt; 

* '''Movement sustainability''': Wikimedia Foundation's annual sustainability report has been published. ([[:m:Special:MyLanguage/Movement Strategy and Governance/Newsletter/7#A1&lt;/tvar&gt;|continue reading]])
* '''Improving user experience''': recent improvements on the desktop interface for Wikimedia projects. ([[:m:Special:MyLanguage/Movement Strategy and Governance/Newsletter/7#A2|continue reading]])
* '''Safety and inclusion''': updates on the revision process of the Universal Code of Conduct Enforcement Guidelines. ([[:m:Special:MyLanguage/Movement Strategy and Governance/Newsletter/7#A3|continue reading]])
* '''Equity in decisionmaking''': reports from Hubs pilots conversations, recent progress from the Movement Charter Drafting Committee, and a new white paper for futures of participation in the Wikimedia movement. ([[:m:Special:MyLanguage/Movement Strategy and Governance/Newsletter/7#A4|continue reading]])
* '''Stakeholders coordination''': launch of a helpdesk for Affiliates and volunteer communities working on content partnership. ([[:m:Special:MyLanguage/Movement Strategy and Governance/Newsletter/7#A5|continue reading]])
* '''Leadership development''': updates on leadership projects by Wikimedia movement organizers in Brazil and Cape Verde. ([[:m:Special:MyLanguage/Movement Strategy and Governance/Newsletter/7#A6|continue reading]])
* '''Internal knowledge management''': launch of a new portal for technical documentation and community resources. ([[:m:Special:MyLanguage/Movement Strategy and Governance/Newsletter/7#A7|continue reading]])
* '''Innovate in free knowledge''': high-quality audiovisual resources for scientific experiments and a new toolkit to record oral transcripts. ([[:m:Special:MyLanguage/Movement Strategy and Governance/Newsletter/7#A8|continue reading]])
* '''Evaluate, iterate, and adapt''': results from the Equity Landscape project pilot ([[:m:Special:MyLanguage/Movement Strategy and Governance/Newsletter/7#A9|continue reading]])
*
'''Other news and updates''': a new forum to discuss Movement Strategy implementation, upcoming Wikimedia Foundation Board of Trustees election, a new podcast to discuss Movement Strategy, and change of personnel for the Foundation's Movement Strategy and Governance team. ([[:m:Special:MyLanguage/Movement Strategy and Governance/Newsletter/7#A10|continue reading]])

&lt;/div&gt;&lt;section end=&quot;msg-newsletter&quot;/&gt;

[[User:Zuz (WMF)|Zuz (WMF)]] ([[User talk:Zuz (WMF)|talk]]) 22:59, 18 July 2022 (UTC)

== Announcing the six candidates for the Board of Trustees election ==

:''&lt;div class=&quot;plainlinks&quot;&gt;[[m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia Foundation elections/2022/Announcement/Announcing the six candidates for the 2022 Board of Trustees election/Short|{{int:interlanguage-link-mul}}]] • [https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Translate&amp;group=page-{{urlencode:Wikimedia Foundation elections/2022/Announcement/Announcing the six candidates for the 2022 Board of Trustees election/Short}}&amp;language=&amp;action=page&amp;filter= {{int:please-translate}}]&lt;/div&gt;''

Hi everyone,

The Affiliate Representatives have completed their voting period. The selected 2022 Board of Trustees candidates are:

* Tobechukwu Precious Friday ([[:m:User:Tochiprecious|Tochiprecious]])
* Farah Jack Mustaklem ([[:m:User:Fjmustak|Fjmustak]])
* Shani Evenstein Sigalov ([[:m:User:Esh77|Esh77]])
* Kunal Mehta ([[:m:User:Legoktm|Legoktm]])
* Michał Buczyński ([[:m:User:Aegis Maelstrom|Aegis Maelstrom]])
* Mike Peel ([[:m:User:Mike Peel|Mike Peel]])

You may see more information about the [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia Foundation elections/2022/Results|Results]] and [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia Foundation elections/2022/Stats|Statistics]] of this Board election.

The Affiliate organizations selected representatives to vote on behalf of the Affiliate organization. The Affiliate Representatives proposed questions for the candidates to answer in mid-June. These answers from candidates and the information provided from the Analysis Committee provided support for the representatives as they made their decision.

Please take a moment to appreciate the Affiliate Representatives and Analysis Committee members for taking part in this process and helping to grow the Board of Trustees in capacity and diversity. These hours of volunteer work connect us across understanding and perspective. Thank you for your participation.

Thank you to the community members who put themselves forward as candidates for the Board of Trustees. Considering joining the Board of Trustees is no small decision. The time and dedication candidates have shown to this point speaks to their commitment to this movement. Congratulations to those candidates who have been selected. A great amount of appreciation and gratitude for those candidates not selected. Please continue to share your leadership with Wikimedia.

What can voters do now?

[[m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia Foundation elections/2022/Results|Review the results of the Affiliate selection process]].

[[m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia Foundation elections/2022/Announcement/Announcing the six candidates for the 2022 Board of Trustees election|Read more here about the next steps in the 2022 Board of Trustee election]].

Best,

Movement Strategy and Governance

''This message was sent on behalf of the Board Selection Task Force and the Elections Committee''&lt;/translate&gt;&lt;br /&gt;&lt;section end=&quot;announcement-content&quot; /&gt;

[[User:Zuz (WMF)|Zuz (WMF)]] ([[User talk:Zuz (WMF)|talk]]) 19:35, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

== Let's talk about the Desktop Improvements ==

[[File:Vector 2022 showing language menu with a blue menu trigger and blue menu items 01.jpg|thumb]]
Join an online meeting with the team working on the [[mw:Reading/Web/Desktop Improvements|Desktop Improvements]]! It will take place on '''26 July 2022 at [https://www.timeanddate.com/worldclock/fixedtime.html?iso=20220726T1200 12:00 UTC] and [https://www.timeanddate.com/worldclock/fixedtime.html?iso=20220726T1900 19:00 UTC]''' on Zoom. '''[https://wikimedia.zoom.us/j/5304280674 Click here to join]'''. Meeting ID: 5304280674. [https://wikimedia.zoom.us/u/kc2hamfYz9 Dial by your location].

[[mw:Special:MyLanguage/Reading/Web/Desktop Improvements/Updates/Talk to Web|Read more]]. See you! [[User:SGrabarczuk (WMF)|SGrabarczuk (WMF)]] ([[User talk:SGrabarczuk (WMF)|talk]]) 16:19, 25 July 2022 (UTC)
&lt;!-- Message sent by User:SGrabarczuk (WMF)@metawiki using the list at https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=User:SGrabarczuk_(WMF)/sandbox/MM/En_fallback&amp;oldid=23430301 --&gt;

== Vote for Election Compass Statements ==

:''[[m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia Foundation elections/2022/Announcement/Vote for Election Compass Statements|You can find this message translated into additional languages on Meta-wiki.]]''
:''&lt;div class=&quot;plainlinks&quot;&gt;[[m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia Foundation elections/2022/Announcement/Vote for Election Compass Statements|{{int:interlanguage-link-mul}}]] • [https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Translate&amp;group=page-{{urlencode:Wikimedia Foundation elections/2022/Announcement/Vote for Election Compass Statements}}&amp;language=&amp;action=page&amp;filter= {{int:please-translate}}]&lt;/div&gt;''

Hi all,

Volunteers in the [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia Foundation elections/2022|2022 Board of Trustees election]] are invited to [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia_Foundation_elections/2022/Community_Voting/Election_Compass/Statements|vote for statements to use in the Election Compass]]. You can vote for the statements you would like to see included in the Election Compass on Meta-wiki.

An Election Compass is a tool to help voters select the candidates that best align with their beliefs and views. The community members will propose statements for the candidates to answer using a Lickert scale (agree/neutral/disagree). The candidates’ answers to the statements will be loaded into the Election Compass tool. Voters will use the tool by entering in their answer to the statements (agree/disagree/neutral). The results will show the candidates that best align with the voter’s beliefs and views.

Here is the timeline for the Election Compass:

*&lt;s&gt;July 8 - 20: Volunteers propose statements for the Election Compass&lt;/s&gt;
*&lt;s&gt;July 21 - 22: Elections Committee reviews statements for clarity and removes off-topic statements&lt;/s&gt;
*July 23 - August 3: Volunteers vote on the statements
*August 4: Elections Committee selects the top 15 statements
*August 5 - 12: candidates align themselves with the statements
*August 16: The Election Compass opens for voters to use to help guide their voting decision

The Elections Committee will select the top 15 statements at the beginning of August


Best, 

Movement Strategy and Governance

''This message was sent on behalf of the Board Selection Task Force and the Elections Committee''

[[User:Zuz (WMF)|Zuz (WMF)]] ([[User talk:Zuz (WMF)|talk]]) 17:20, 26 July 2022 (UTC)

== Names for cleanup categories ==

Hello,

I'm going to start localising a load of imported clean-up templates over the next few weeks, and I wanted some feedback from the community on what terminology to use for the associated categories. Some of these clean-up templates sort main space pages into categories of the form &quot;Articles needing foo&quot;, some of them sort them into categories of the form &quot;Wikiquote pages needing foo&quot; (and some templates have been half-localised and sort them into both!). What is the preferred terminology for these kind of pages? &quot;Article&quot; or &quot;Wikiquote pages&quot;? Just thought I'd get some feedback before editing dozens of templates and making dozens of categories. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 11:18, 28 July 2022 (UTC)

:Content in the main namespace can be &quot;articles&quot; for sure, especially if that makes it easier. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 08:04, 29 July 2022 (UTC)
::@[[User:Koavf|Koavf]] Thanks, that's really helpful. I'll make a start localising and cleaning up these templates so they don't sort pages into nonsense like [[:Category:Wikipedia external links cleanup]].
::There's one other template I'd like some feedback on, {{tl|cleanup}}. This template seems to have been hijacked and now does a completley different function to when it was a wikiquote specific one; it used to be for articles that didn't fit into any of the specific cleanup categories, now it's a generic &quot;tag everything&quot; type template. As it stands this template has been copied from the English Wikipedia and has a lot of complexity and features that don't make sense here. As I see it there are a few ways we could move forward with this template:
::# Roll it back to the old, wikiquote specific version
::# Try to localise the current template properly (I'm not keen on this, it is way too complex and has way too much subcategorization for a project of this size).
::# Try to simplify the new template to produce something that works well on this project.
::# Remake the template in the new style, but replicating the functionality of the old clean-up template as much as possible.
::There are also a couple of features of the new style template that I'd like to get some feedback on whether they're actually useful here, to start:
::# The new template asks you to submit a reason when tagging a page for cleanup, is this required on this project and is populating [[:Creating Category:Cleanup tagged articles without a reason field]] useful?
::# Is categorising pages by namespace useful? e.g. sorting pages into &quot;Wikiquote categories needing cleanup&quot;, &quot;Wikiquote templates needing cleanup&quot;, &quot;Wikiquote Articles needing cleanup&quot; etc? My gut feeling is no, given that there are less than 100 pages tagged in total.
::As you might be able to tell I'm a bit lost when it comes to figuring out what to do with {{tl|cleanup}}. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 11:43, 30 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I don't think that this project is big or active enough to need to be sorted by namespace with cleanup templates. If you think it's best to revert back to how this template functioned back in April, then I support that. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:56, 31 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Thanks, I'll give it a few days to see if anyone else has any comments, if not I'll revert back to the old version of the template. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 16:43, 1 August 2022 (UTC)
:::::Reverted back to the old version since no objections were raised. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 15:14, 6 August 2022 (UTC)

== Decorative quotation templates ==

What is the community's opinion on decorative quotation templates like [[Template:Blockquote]]? The [[Wikiquote:Manual of style|manual of style]] and [[Wikiquote:Guide to layout|guide to layout]] says that articles should be composed of plain bulleted lists, but these templates have been added to a few places, e.g. [[Jill Biden]]. Should they be removed, or should the manual of style be updated to allow them? [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 15:46, 3 August 2022 (UTC)
:I am not a fan. I see it as a similar discussion regarding the bolding of quotes. To me the different ways of presenting quotes is a bit jarring and there does nto seem to be any criteria used for which quotes use this alternate style. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 16:26, 3 August 2022 (UTC)
* It's useful on other projects. But it's a little like having a specially formatted box on Wikipedia for prose. Uh...prose is kindof the main point of the project. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:39, 3 August 2022 (UTC)
*I am also not a fan - I'd prefer as little markup as possible in our pages, since I think markup is off-putting for newbies. Text only is good. I personally tend to be a minimalist on such stuff. [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]] ([[User talk:Antandrus|talk]]) 18:46, 3 August 2022 (UTC)

== If you love somebody, let them go ==

&quot;If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were.&quot;&lt;br style=&quot;margin-bottom:0.5em&quot;/&gt;Seems attributed to [[Kahlil Gibran]] by random image search results. A similar variant &quot;If you love something, let it go free. If it doesn't come back, you never had it. If it comes back, love it forever.&quot; is attributed to [[w:en:Douglas Horton]] by [http://www.quotehd.com/quotes/douglas-horton-clergyman-if-you-love-something-let-it-go-free-if-it-doesnt-come-back another random image search result]. Is either of these correct? If not, perhaps the misattribution could be mentioned on [[Kahlil Gibran]]? &lt;span id=&quot;Alexis_Jazz:1659594815083:WikiquoteBWLCLNVillage_pump&quot; class=&quot;BawlCmt&quot;&gt;[[User:Alexis Jazz|Alexis Jazz]] ([[User talk:Alexis Jazz|talk]]) 06:33, 4 August 2022 (UTC)&lt;/span&gt;

== Any tutorials?  ==

Hi Wikiquote friends, I'm TheAafi, and I mostly contribute on English Wikipedia. I happen to be founder of [[:m:Deoband Community Wikimedia|Deoband Community Wikimedia]], a recognized Wikimedia user group affiliate. I recently organized a series of events to bring attention of DCW volunteers to Wikiquote (see: [[:m:Deoband Community Wikimedia/Events/Wikiquote Delhi August 2022|this page for details]]). Is there any training material already available that I could utilize for this purpose. If not, DCW would be like to aid in this necessary endeavor. Regards, ─ [[User:TheAafi|&lt;span style=&quot;color:SteelBlue&quot;&gt;The Aafī&lt;/span&gt;]] &lt;sup&gt;[[User talk:TheAafi|&lt;span style=&quot;color:#80A0FF&quot;&gt;&lt;sup&gt;(talk)&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]]&lt;/sup&gt; 13:14, 11 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
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    <title>Linus Torvalds</title>
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      <text bytes="67524" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Linus Torvalds.jpeg|thumb|Do you pine for the days when men were men and wrote their own device drivers?]]
'''[[w:Linus Torvalds|Linus Benedict Torvalds]]''' (born [[28 December]] [[1969]]) is a Finnish-American [[Programming|computer programmer]], best known as the creator of the [[w:Linux|Linux]] [[w:Kernel (computer science)|kernel]].

== Quotes ==
[[File:Linus Torvalds talking.jpeg|thumb|There are literally several levels of SCO being wrong. And even if we were to live in that alternate universe where SCO would be right, they'd still be wrong.]]
[[File:Tux.svg|thumb|Some people have told me they don't think a fat penguin really embodies the grace of Linux, which just tells me they have never seen an angry penguin charging at them in excess of 100 mph &amp;hellip;]]
=== 1990s ===
==== 1991-94 ====
* I'm doing a (free) operating system (just a hobby, won't be big and professional like gnu) for 386(486) AT clones.
** {{cite web| archiveurl= http://groups.google.com/groups?hl=en&amp;selm=1991Aug25.205708.9541%40klaava.Helsinki.FI | archivedate = unknown | url = news:1991Aug25.205708.9541@klaava.Helsinki.FI | title= Post | work = news:comp.os.minix | publisher = Google Groups | date= 1991-08-25 | accessdate=2006-08-28| author =Torvalds, Linus}} This was the launch of Linux.

* Do you pine for the nice days of minix-1.1, when men were men and wrote their own device drivers?&lt;br/&gt;[…]&lt;br/&gt;I can (well, almost) hear you asking yourselves &quot;why?&quot;. Hurd will be out in a year (or two, or next month, who knows), and I've already got minix.
** {{citation| title= news:comp.os.minix | url = news:1991Oct5.054106.4647@klaava.Helsinki.FI | date= 1991-10-5 | last =Torvalds | first = Linus Benedict | publisher = Google Groups | contribution = Free minix-like kernel sources for 386-AT | archivedate = unknown | archiveurl = https://groups.google.com/forum/#!msg/comp.os.minix/4995SivOl9o/GwqLJlPSlCEJ}}, announcing Linux version 0.02. The [[w:GNU Hurd|Hurd]] 0.0 was released in August 1996 and as of 2015, is still not complete.&lt;/p&gt;

* Your job is being a professor and researcher: That's one hell of a good excuse for some of the brain-damages of [[w:Minix|Minix]].
** {{cite web| url=http://groups.google.com/groups?selm=1992Jan29.231426.20469%40klaava.Helsinki.FI| title=Post to comp.os.minix newsgroup| date=1992-01-29| author =Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2006-08-28}} To [[Andrew Tanenbaum]] (author of [[w:Minix|Minix]]) during the [[w:Tanenbaum-Torvalds debate|Tanenbaum-Torvalds debate]].

* [[w:porting|Portability]] is for people who cannot write new programs.
** {{cite web| url=http://groups.google.com/groups?selm=1992Jan29.231426.20469%40klaava.Helsinki.FI| title=Post to comp.os.minix newsgroup| date=1992-01-29| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2006-08-28}} According to Torvalds, this was &quot;tongue in cheek&quot; (Ibid.)

* Well, with a subject like this, I'm afraid I'll have to reply. Apologies to minix-users who have heard enough about linux anyway. I'd like to be able to just &quot;ignore the bait&quot;, but &amp;hellip; time for some serious flamefesting!
** {{cite web| url=http://groups.google.com/group/comp.os.minix/msg/9f3c7c165aacc83f?dmode=source| title=comp.os.minix: LINUX is obsolete| date=1992-01-29| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2008-12-31}}

* Well, I probably won't get too good grades even without you: I had an argument (completely unrelated &amp;ndash; not even pertaining to OS's) with the person here at the university that teaches OS design. I wonder when I'll learn :)
** {{cite web| url=http://groups.google.com/group/comp.os.minix/msg/ac1b04eb0e09c03e?dmode=source| title=comp.os.minix: LINUX is obsolete| date=1992-01-31| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2008-12-31}}

* No. That's it. The cool name, that is. We worked very hard on creating a name that would appeal to the majority of people, and it certainly paid off: thousands of people are using linux just to be able to say &quot;OS/2? Hah. I've got Linux. What a cool name&quot;. 386BSD made the mistake of putting a lot of numbers and weird abbreviations into the name, and is scaring away a lot of people just because it sounds too technical.
** {{cite web| url= http://groups.google.com/group/comp.unix.pc-clone.32bit/msg/80bb74847934edc7 | title= Post | work = comp.unix.pc-clone.32bit | publisher = Google Groups | date= 1993-03-16 | author =Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2011-02-19}}

==== 1995-99 ====
* When you say, &quot;I wrote a program that crashed [[w:Microsoft Windows|Windows]],&quot; people just stare at you blankly and say, &quot;Hey, I got those with the system, ''for free''.&quot;
** {{cite web| url=http://groups.google.com/groups?selm=3jju43%24gc8%40klaava.helsinki.fi| title=Post to comp.os.linux.development.apps newsgroup| date=1995-03-08| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2006-08-28}}

* If you need more than 3 levels of indentation, you're screwed anyway, and should fix your program.
** {{cite web| url=https://www.kernel.org/doc/Documentation/process/coding-style.rst| title=Linux 1.3.53 CodingStyle documentation| accessdate=2011-08-13| date=1995}}

* You know you're brilliant, but maybe you'd like to understand what you did 2 weeks from now.
** {{cite web| url=https://www.kernel.org/doc/Documentation/process/coding-style.rst| title=Linux 1.3.53 CodingStyle documentation| accessdate=2011-08-13| date=1995}}

* An [[w:Infinite monkey theorem|infinite number of monkeys]] typing into [[w:GNU|GNU]] [[w:Emacs|emacs]] would never make a good program.
** {{cite web| url=https://www.kernel.org/doc/Documentation/process/coding-style.rst| title=Linux 1.3.53 CodingStyle documentation| accessdate=2011-08-13| date=1995}}

* It's a bird &amp;hellip; it's a plane &amp;hellip; no, it's KernelMan, faster than a speeding bullet, to your rescue. Doing new kernel versions in under 5 seconds flat &amp;hellip;
** {{cite web| url=http://lkml.iu.edu/hypermail/linux/alpha/9509.1/0006.html| title=Announcement for Linux 1.3.27| date=1995-11-14| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2017-04-25}}

* The main reason there are no raw devices [in Linux] is that I personally think that raw devices are a stupid idea.
** {{cite web| url=http://lkml.iu.edu/hypermail/linux/kernel/9610.2/0030.html| title=Message | work = linux-kernel mailing list| date= 1996-10-17| publisher = IU | author= Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2017-04-25}}

* Some people have told me they don't think a fat penguin really embodies the grace of Linux, which just tells me they have never seen an angry penguin charging at them in excess of 100 mph. They'd be a lot more careful about what they say if they had.
** {{cite web| url=http://groups.google.com/groups?selm=cola-liw-834355743-12037-0%40liw.clinet.fi| title=Post | work = comp.os.linux.announce newsgroup| publisher = Google Groups | date= 1996-06-09| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2006-08-28}}

* Only wimps use tape backup: ''real'' men just upload their important stuff on [[w:FTP|ftp]], and let the rest of the world mirror it ;)
** {{cite web| url=https://lkml.iu.edu/hypermail/linux/kernel/9607.2/0292.html| title=Message| work = linux-kernel mailing list| date=1996-07-20| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2014-04-26}}

* If you still don't like it, that's OK: that's why I'm boss. I simply know better than you do.
** {{cite web| url=http://groups.google.com/groups?selm=4sv02t%24j8g%40linux.cs.Helsinki.FI| title=Post to comp.os.linux.advocacy newsgroup| date=1996-07-22| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2006-08-28}}

* &amp;hellip;the Linux philosophy is &quot;laugh in the face of danger&quot;. Oops. Wrong one. &quot;Do it yourself&quot;. That's it.
** {{cite web| url=http://groups.google.com/groups?&amp;selm=Pine.LNX.3.91.961016155929.27735D-100000%40linux.cs.Helsinki.FI| title=Post | work = linux.dev.kernel newsgroup| publisher = Google Groups | date=1996-10-16| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2006-08-28}}

* See, you not only have to be a good coder to create a system like Linux, you have to be a sneaky bastard too ;-)
** {{cite web| url=https://groups.google.com/d/msg/comp.os.linux.development.system/EG3iv5IcC3Y/6d_v3HZUZLYJ | title=Post | work = comp.os.linux.development.system newsgroup| publisher = Google Groups | date=1996-07-05| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2016-05-25}}

* Making Linux GPL'd was definitely the best thing I ever did.
** {{cite web| url = https://tech-insider.org/linux/research/1997/0920.html | title= The Pragmatist of Free Software: Linus Torvalds Interview| author = Yamagata, Hiroo | date = 1997‐11‐11 | accessdate=2019-05-06}}

* (In answer to the question: In the extreme case, if it was just you doing all the code, and the rest of the world quietly used it, would it make sense to give it away free? Unless you're particularly grateful for other free things you've got off the Net, would the answer be No?&quot;:) &lt;br /&gt;
:I don't necessarily think so. It might be true in certain niche areas, but almost any project will give a developer that &quot;feel good&quot; feeling when he has users and he feels he is doing something worthwhile. I really don't think you need all that much &quot;quid pro quo&quot; in programming - '''most of the good programmers do programming not because they expect to get paid or get adulation by the public, but because it is fun to program.'''
:* {{cite web| url = http://firstmonday.org/ojs/index.php/fm/article/view/583/504 | title= First Monday Interview with Linus Torvalds: What motivates free software developers? | author = Rishab Aiyer Ghosh, interviewer | date = 1998‐03-02 | accessdate=2013-06-02}}

* &quot;Regression testing&quot;? What's that? If it compiles, it is good; if it boots up, it is perfect.
** {{cite web| url= http://lkml.iu.edu/hypermail/linux/kernel/9804.1/0149.html| title= Message | work = linux-kernel mailing list| date= 1998-04-08| publisher = IU | author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2017-04-25}}

* If Microsoft ever does applications for Linux it means I've won.
** {{cite web |url=http://www.cnn.com/TECH/computing/9810/01/whylinux.idg/ |title=Why Intel and Netscape bought into Linux  |date=1998-10-01 |publisher=CNN.com |author=Needle, David |accessdate=2016-03-08}}

* I'd like to say that I knew this would happen, that it's all part of the plan for [[world domination]].
** {{cite book| title=Open Sources: Voices from the Open Source Revolution| chapter=The Linux Edge| chapterurl=http://www.oreilly.com/catalog/opensources/book/linus.html | accessdate=2006-08-28| ISBN = 1-56592-582-3| year=1999| publisher=O'Reilly &amp; Associates| author=DiBona, C}}

=== 2000s ===
==== 2000-04 ====
* Note that nobody reads every post in linux-kernel. In fact, nobody who expects to have time left over to actually do any real kernel work will read even half. Except [[w:Alan Cox | Alan Cox]], but he's actually not human, but about a thousand [[gnomes]] working in under-ground caves in Swansea. None of the individual gnomes read all the postings either, they just work together really well.
** {{cite web| url=https://groups.google.com/d/msg/fa.linux.kernel/iQtWFALi4JA/eSzv64_tOvoJ| title=Post | work = Linux kernel mailing list| date= 2000-05-02| publisher = Google Groups | author= Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2006-08-28}}

* Talk is cheap. Show me the code.
** {{cite web| url=http://lkml.org/lkml/2000/8/25/132| title=Message to linux-kernel mailing list| date=2000-08-25| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate= 2006-08-28}}

* I'm a bastard. I have absolutely no clue why people can ever think otherwise. Yet they do. People think I'm a nice guy, and the fact is that I'm a scheming, conniving bastard who doesn't care for any hurt feelings or lost hours of work, if it just results in what I consider to be a better system. And I'm not just saying that. I'm really not a very nice person. I can say &quot;I don't care&quot; with a straight face, and really mean it.
** {{cite web| url=http://lkml.org/lkml/2000/9/6/65| title=Message to linux-kernel mailing list| date=2000-09-06| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2007-05-28}}

* To kind of explain what Linux is, you have to explain what an operating system is. And the thing about an operating system is that you're never ever supposed to see it. Because nobody really uses an operating system; people use programs on their computer. And the only mission in life of an operating system is to help those programs run. So an operating system never does anything on its own; it's only waiting for the programs to ask for certain resources, or ask for a certain file on the disk, or ask to connect to the outside world. And then the operating system steps in and tries to make it easy for people to write programs.
** Interview in ''[http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0308808/ Revolution OS]'', documentary, 2001.

* In short: just say NO TO DRUGS, and maybe you won't end up like the [[w:GNU Hurd|Hurd]] people.
** {{cite web| url=https://groups.google.com/d/msg/mlist.linux.kernel/6Yj1ipr6nEc/dbhIEkhm4LgJ| title=Post to mlist.linux.kernel newsgroup| date=2001-10-04| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2016-05-01}}

* Hey, that's not a bug, that's a '''feature'''! You know what the most complex piece of engineering known to man in the whole solar system is? Guess what &amp;ndash; it's not Linux, it's not Solaris, and it's not your car. It's you. And me. And think about how you and me actually came about &amp;ndash; not through any complex design. Right. &quot;Sheer luck&quot;. Well, sheer luck, ''and'': &lt;br&gt;&amp;bull; Free availability and ''crosspollination'' through sharing of &quot;source code&quot;, although biologists call it DNA. &lt;br&gt;&amp;bull; A rather unforgiving user environment, that happily replaces bad versions of us with better working versions and thus culls the herd (biologists often call this &quot;survival of the fittest&quot;). &lt;br&gt;&amp;bull; Massive undirected parallel development (&quot;trial and error&quot;).&lt;br&gt;I'm deadly serious: we humans have ''never'' been able to replicate something more complicated than what we ourselves are, yet natural selection did it without even thinking. Don't underestimate the power of survival of the fittest. And don't '''ever''' make the mistake that you can design something better than what you get from ruthless massively parallel trial-and-error with a feedback cycle. That's giving your intelligence ''much'' too much credit. Quite frankly, Sun is doomed. And it has nothing to do with their engineering practices or their coding style.
** {{cite web| url=http://groups.google.com/group/fa.linux.kernel/msg/52f04d4ab1121c9b| title=Coding style - a non-issue| date=2001-11-30| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2010-03-25}}

* Yeah. And as Linus once said: most numerical problems today in pure CPU cycles are actually 3D games. &amp;hellip; It's not &quot;incorrect&quot; to say that you want the result faster, even if that result doesn't match your theoretical models.
** {{cite web| url=http://gcc.gnu.org/ml/gcc/2001-07/msg02084.html| title=Message to GCC mailing list| date=2001-07-30| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2009-10-15}}
** Torvalds did not originate this quote. It is a reference from David Braben following the release of Elite, and is itself a rephrasing of a reference to relative worth of game coding.{{citation needed}}

* Once you realize that documentation should be laughed at, peed upon, put on fire, and just ridiculed in general, THEN, and only then, have you reached the level where you can safely read it and try to use it to actually implement a driver.
** {{cite web| url=http://lkml.org/lkml/2001/1/12/24| title=Re: ide.2.4.1-p3.01112001.patch| date=2001-01-12| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2012-06-22}}

* I allege that [[w:SCO Group|SCO]] is full of it.
** {{cite news| url=http://www.eweek.com/c/a/Linux-and-Open-Source/Linux-Defended| title=Linux Defended| author=Galli, Peter| date=2003-06-23| accessdate=2008-03-01| publisher=eWeek}}

* Those that can, do. Those that can't, complain.
** {{cite web| url=http://kerneltrap.org/node/901| title=Post the Linux Kernel Mailing List| date=2003-09-23| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2007-06-26|archiveurl=http://web.archive.org/20050226095919/kerneltrap.org/node/901|archivedate=2005-02-26}}
** '''Note''': Torvalds [http://shlomif.livejournal.com/39215.html did not originate this quote], and there are earlier records for it. This is a variation on &quot;He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches,&quot; which is also attributed to [[George Bernard Shaw]].

* Really, I'm not out to destroy Microsoft. That will just be a completely unintentional side effect.
** {{cite news| url=http://www.nytimes.com/2003/09/28/magazine/the-way-we-live-now-9-28-03-questions-for-linus-torvalds-the-sharer.html|publisher=New York Times| date=2003-09-28| title=The Way We Live Now: Questions for Linus Torvalds}}

* Modern PCs are horrible. [[w:Advanced_Configuration_and_Power_Interface | ACPI]] is a complete design disaster in every way. But we're kind of stuck with it. If any Intel people are listening to this and you had anything to do with ACPI, shoot yourself now, before you reproduce.
** {{cite web| url=http://www.linuxjournal.com/article/7279| title=Linus &amp; the Lunatics, Part II| date=2003-11-25| accessdate=2006-08-28}}

* They are smoking crack.
** {{cite news| url=http://www.eweek.com/c/a/Past-News/Torvalds-Slams-SCO/| title=Torvalds Slams SCO| date=2003-08-20| author=Galli, Peter| accessdate= 2008-03-01| publisher=eWeek}}
** Notes: said about [[w:SCO Group|SCO]].

* There are literally several levels of SCO being wrong. And even if we were to live in that alternate universe where SCO would be right, they'd still be wrong.
** {{cite news| author=Kerstetter, Jim| url= http://www.businessweek.com/magazine/content/04_05/b3868110_mz063.htm| title= Linus Torvalds: SCO Is 'Just Too Wrong' | publisher=BusinessWeek Online| date=2004-02-02| accessdate=2006-08-28}}

* The NIH syndrome ([[w:Not Invented Here|Not Invented Here]]) is a disease.
** {{cite news| url= http://news.com.com/Torvalds+A+Solaris+skeptic/2008-1082_3-5498799.html| title= Newsmaker: Torvalds: A Solaris skeptic| publisher= CNet| date = 2004-12-21| author=Shankland, Stephen| accessdate=2006-08-28|archiveurl=http://archive.is/EfHH|archivedate=2012-07-12}}

* Anybody who tells me I can't use a program because it's not open source, go suck on [[Richard Stallman|rms]]. I'm not interested. 99% of that I run tends to be open source, but that's ''my'' choice, dammit.
** {{cite web| url=http://lkml.iu.edu/hypermail/linux/kernel/0410.3/1101.html| title=Message to linux-kernel mailing list| date=2004-10-26| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2017-04-25}}

* Nobody should start to undertake a large project. You start with a small ''trivial'' project, and you should never expect it to get large. If you do, you'll just overdesign and generally think it is more important than it likely is at that stage. Or worse, you might be scared away by the sheer size of the work you envision. So start small, and think about the details. Don't think about some big picture and fancy design. If it doesn't solve some fairly immediate need, it's almost certainly over-designed. And don't expect people to jump in and help you. That's not how these things work. You need to get something half-way ''useful'' first, and then others will say &quot;hey, that ''almost'' works for me&quot;, and they'll get involved in the project.
** {{cite web| url=http://web.archive.org/web/20050404020308/http://www.linuxtimes.net/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=145| title=Linux Times| date= 2004-10-25}}

==== ''{{w|Just for Fun}}'' (2001) ====
&lt;small&gt;Co-written with David Diamond.&lt;/small&gt;

* My name is Linus Torvalds and I am your god.
** As quoted in: Young, Robert; Goldman Rohm, Wendy (1999), ''Under the Radar: How Red Hat Changed the Software Business – and Took Microsoft by Surprise'', p. 111
** Jokingly introducing himself, at the 1998 Linux Expo in Durham, North Carolina

* Oh fuck. If I kill this guy, I'll have millions of nerds on my case.
** When Diamond took Torvalds body-boarding and saw him struggling with leg cramp in the whitewater.
* My personal opinion of Mach is not very high. Frankly, it's a piece of crap. It contains all the design mistakes you can make, and even managed to make up a few of its own.

* You see. I don't think any new thoughts. I think thoughts that other people have thought, and I rearrange them. But Sara, she thinks thoughts that never were before.
** Torvalds to his mother, about his sister

* Most days I wake up thinking I'm the luckiest bastard alive.

* I'm personally convinced that computer science has a lot in common with physics. Both are about how the world works at a rather fundamental level. The difference, of course, is that while in physics you're supposed to figure out how the world is made up, in computer science you create the world. Within the confines of the computer, you're the creator. You get to ultimately control everything that happens. If you're good enough, you can be God. On a small scale.

==== 2005 ====
* A lot of people still like Solaris, but I'm in active competition with them, and so I hope they die.
** {{cite news| url=http://www.crn.com/news/applications-os/59300278/torvalds-waiting-to-see-suns-open-solaris.htm| title=Torvalds: Waiting To See Sun's Open Solaris| date=2005-02-01| author=Rooney, Paula| publisher=CRN| accessdate=2006-08-28}}

* &lt;p&gt;2.6.&lt;odd&gt;: still a stable kernel, but accept bigger changes leading up to it (timeframe: a month or two).&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;2.&lt;odd&gt;.x: aim for big changes that may destabilize the kernel for several releases (timeframe: a year or two)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;odd&gt;.x.x: Linus went crazy, broke absolutely ''everything'', and rewrote the kernel to be a microkernel using a special message-passing version of Visual Basic. (timeframe: &quot;we expect that he will be released from the mental institution in a decade or two&quot;).&lt;/p&gt;
** {{cite web| url=http://lkml.org/lkml/2005/3/2/247| title=Message to Linux kernel mailing list| date=2005-03-02| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate= 2006-12-11}}

* Which mindset is right? Mine, of course. People who disagree with me are by definition crazy. (Until I change my mind, when they can suddenly become upstanding citizens. I'm flexible, and not black-and-white.)
** {{cite news| url=http://www.linux.com/articles/45571| title=Linus compares Linux and BSDs| publisher=NewsForge| date= 2005-06-13| author= Barr, Joe| accessdate = 2006-08-28}}

* Don't bother. Bram doesn't know what he's talking about.
** {{cite web| url=http://www.gelato.unsw.edu.au/archives/git/0504/2197.html| title=Linus vs. Bram Cohen| date=2005-04-27 |author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate = 2013-10-03}}

* It was ''such'' a relief to program in user mode for a change. Not having to care about the small stuff is wonderful.
** {{cite web| url=http://article.gmane.org/gmane.comp.version-control.git/87| title=Message to Git mailing list| date=2005-04-14| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate =2006-08-28}}

* I chose 1000 originally partly as a way to make sure that people that assumed HZ was 100 would get a swift kick in the pants.
** {{cite web| url=http://lkml.org/lkml/2005/7/8/263| title=Message to linux-kernel mailing list| date=2005-07-08| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate= 2007-05-28}}

* I'm always right. This time I'm just even more right than usual.
** {{cite web| url=http://www.mail-archive.com/linux-kernel@vger.kernel.org/msg83284.html| title=Message to linux-kernel mailing list| date=2005-07-14| author = Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2006-08-28}}

* The fact that [[w:Advanced_Configuration_and_Power_Interface|ACPI]] was designed by a group of monkeys high on LSD, and is some of the worst designs in the industry obviously makes running it at ''any'' point pretty damn ugly.
** {{cite web| url=http://lkml.iu.edu/hypermail/linux/kernel/0507.3/2331.html| title=Message | work = linux-kernel mailing list| date= 2005-07-31| publisher = IU | author= Torvalds, Linus | accessdate=2006-08-28}}

* &lt;p&gt;I personally just encourage people to switch to KDE.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;This &quot;users are idiots, and are confused by functionality&quot; mentality of Gnome is a disease. If you think your users are idiots, only idiots will use it. I don't use Gnome, because in striving to be simple, it has long since reached the point where it simply doesn't do what I need it to do.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Please, just tell people to use KDE.&lt;/p&gt;
** {{cite web| url=http://mail.gnome.org/archives/usability/2005-December/msg00021.html| title=Message to usability@gnome.org mailing list| date=2005-12-12| accessdate =2006-08-28| author=Torvalds, Linus}}

==== 2006 ====
* For example, the GPLv2 in no way limits your use of the software. If you're a mad scientist, you can use GPLv2'd software for your evil plans to take over the world (&quot;Sharks with lasers on their heads!!&quot;), and the GPLv2 just says that you have to give source code back. And that's OK by me. I like sharks with lasers. I just want the mad scientists of the world to pay me back in kind. I made source code available to them, they have to make their changes to it available to me. After that, they can fry me with their shark-mounted lasers all they want.
** {{cite news| url=http://www.forbes.com/technology/2006/03/09/torvalds-linux-licensing-cz_dl_0309torvalds1.html| title=Linux Licensing| publisher=Forbes| date= 2006-03-09| author=Lyons, Daniel| accessdate=2006-08-28}}

* I claim that Mach people (and apparently FreeBSD) are incompetent idiots.
** [[w:Linux kernel mailing list|LKML]], April 21, 2006 [http://groups.google.com/group/fa.linux.kernel/msg/0aff8e90a185c176]

* &lt;p&gt;I like colorized diffs, but let's face it, those particular color choices will make most people decide to pick out their eyes with a fondue fork.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;And that's not good. Digging in your eye-sockets with a fondue fork is strictly considered to be bad for your health, and seven out of nine optometrists are dead set against the practice.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;So in order to avoid a lot of blind git users, please apply this patch.&lt;/p&gt;
** {{cite web| url=http://lwn.net/Articles/190241/| title=Message to Git mailing list| date=2006-06-22| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2006-08-28}}

* …git actually has a simple design, with stable and reasonably well-documented data structures. In fact, I'm a huge proponent of designing your code around the data, rather than the other way around, and I think it's one of the reasons git has been fairly successful […] I will, in fact, claim that the difference between a bad programmer and a good one is whether he considers his code or his data structures more important. Bad programmers worry about the code. Good programmers worry about data structures and their relationships.
** {{cite web| url=http://lwn.net/Articles/193245/| title=Message to Git mailing list| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2006-06-27| accessdate=2006-08-28}}

* EFI is this other Intel brain-damage (the first one being [[w:Advanced_Configuration_and_Power_Interface|ACPI]]).
** {{cite web| url=http://lkml.org/lkml/2006/7/25/23| title=Message to linux-kernel mailing list| date=2006-07-24| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2007-05-28}}

* &amp;hellip; even if the [[w:GNU Hurd|Hurd]] didn't depend on Linux code (and as far as I know, it does, but since I think they have their design heads firmly up their *sses anyway with that whole microkernel thing, I've never felt it was worth my time even looking at their code), I don't believe a religiously motivated development community can ever generate as good code except by pure chance.
** LKML, September 27, 2006 [http://groups.google.com/group/fa.linux.kernel/msg/e4617294bbd1d0f1]

* I'm a huge believer in [[w:Evolution|evolution]] (not in the sense that &quot;it happened&quot; &amp;ndash; anybody who doesn't believe that is either uninformed or crazy, but in the sense &quot;the processes of evolution are really fundamental, and should probably be at least ''thought'' about in pretty much any context&quot;).
** LKML, September 28, 2006 [http://groups.google.com/group/fa.linux.kernel/msg/892dc13a2f4c5483]

* [[Edsger W. Dijkstra|Dijkstra]] probably hates me.
** {{cite web| url=http://www.linuxhq.com/kernel/v1.1/42/kernel/sched.c| title=Comment in Linux kernel 1.1.42's kernel/sched.c file| accessdate=2006-08-28}}

* It's one of those rare &quot;perfect&quot; kernels. So if it doesn't happen to compile with your config (or it does compile, but then does unspeakable acts of perversion with your pet dachshund), you can rest easy knowing that it's all your own damn fault, and you should just fix your evil ways.
** {{cite web| url=http://lkml.org/lkml/2006/11/29/249| title=Message to Linux kernel mailing list| date=2006-11-29| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate= 2006-12-11}}

* Gcc is crap.
** {{cite web| url=http://linux.derkeiler.com/Mailing-Lists/Kernel/2006-11/msg08325.html| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2006-11-28 | title= &lt;nowiki&gt;Re: [PATCH] Don't compare unsigned variable for &lt;0 in sys_prctl()&lt;/nowiki&gt; | accessdate=2010-09-20}}

* Friends don't let friends use [gcc] &quot;-W&quot;.
** {{cite web| url=http://linux.derkeiler.com/Mailing-Lists/Kernel/2006-11/msg08325.html| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2006-11-28 | title=&lt;nowiki&gt; Re:[PATCH] Don't compare unsigned variable for &lt;0 in sys_prctl()&lt;/nowiki&gt; | accessdate=2010-09-20}}

* I think people can generally trust me, but they can trust me exactly because they know they don't ''have'' to.
** {{cite web| url=http://lkml.org/lkml/2006/9/22/319| title=Message to Linux kernel mailing list| date=2006-09-22| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate= 2008-06-07}}

==== 2007 ====
* Nobody actually creates perfect code the first time around, except me. But there's only one of me.
** {{Citation | url = http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4XpnKHJAok8 | title = Tech Talk: Linus Torvalds on git | work = YouTube | publisher = Google | date=2007}}.

* If you have ever done any security work &amp;ndash; and it did not involve the concept of &quot;network of trust&quot; &amp;ndash; it wasn't security work, it was &amp;ndash; masturbation. I don't know what you were doing. But trust me, it's the only way you can do security, it's the only way you can do development.
** {{Citation | url = http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4XpnKHJAok8 | title = Tech Talk: Linus Torvalds on git | work = YouTube | publisher = Google | at = 27min44| date=2007}}.

* So the whole &quot;We have a list and we're not telling you&quot; should tell you something. Don't you think that if Microsoft actually had some really foolproof patent, they'd just tell us and go, &quot;nyaah, nyaah, nyaah!&quot;?
** {{cite web| url= https://web.archive.org/web/20070520054734/http://www.pcw.co.uk/vnunet/news/2189971/torvalds-tells-microsoft-put | title=Torvalds tells Microsoft to put up or shut up| date=2007-05-16| author=Thomson, Iain| accessdate=2016-01-18}} Said about Microsoft's claim that the Linux kernel infringes upon 42 of their patents.

* You try to claim that the [[w:GNU General Public License#Version 3|GPLv3]] causes &quot;More developers&quot;, and that, my idiotic penpal, is just crazy talk that you made up.
** {{Citation | title = LKML | date = June 18, 2007 | url = http://groups.google.com/group/linux.kernel/msg/43013fe224f562e0}}.

* I don't ask for money. I don't ask for sexual favors. I don't ask for access to the hardware you design and sell. I just ask for the thing I gave you: source code that I can use myself.
** {{cite web| url=http://groups.google.com/group/linux.kernel/msg/29b45885cc7b11b3| title=Message to Linux kernel mailing list| date=2007-06-14| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2010-02-01}}

* Controlling a laser with Linux is crazy, but everyone in this room is crazy in his own way. So if you want to use Linux to control an industrial welding laser, I have no problem with your using &lt;tt&gt;PREEMPT_RT&lt;/tt&gt;.
** {{cite web| url=http://lwn.net/Articles/396997/| title=Kernel development| date=2007| author =Torvalds, Linus}}.

* Is &quot;I hope you all die a painful death&quot; too strong?
** Linus to the hardware manufacturers that refuse to release the specifications of their hardware so they could operate with the Linux kernel.
**{{cite web |url=http://apcmag.com/7012/linus_torvalds_talks_about| title=Linus Torvalds talks future of Linux |date=2007-08-22 |author=Torvalds, Linus |accessdate=2007-08-22 |archivedate=2007-08-25 |archiveurl=http://web.archive.org/web/1/apcmag.com/7012/linus_torvalds_talks_about}}

* [[C++]] is a horrible language. It's made more horrible by the fact that a lot of substandard programmers use it, to the point where it's much much easier to generate total and utter crap with it.
** {{cite web| url=http://article.gmane.org/gmane.comp.version-control.git/57918| title=Message to gmane.comp.version-control.git mailing list| date=2007-09-06| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2007-09-22}}

* [[C++]] is in that inconvenient spot where it doesn't help make things simple enough to be truly usable for prototyping or simple GUI programming, and yet isn't the lean system programming language that C is that actively encourages you to use simple and direct constructs.
** {{cite web| url=http://article.gmane.org/gmane.comp.version-control.git/57643| title=Message to gmane.comp.version-control.git mailing list| date=2007-09-07| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2007-09-22}}

* I'm an egotistical bastard, and I name all my projects after myself. First Linux, now git.
** 2007-06-14 

* Me, I just don't care about proprietary software. It's not &quot;evil&quot; or &quot;immoral,&quot; it just doesn't matter. I think that Open Source can do better, and I'm willing to put my money where my mouth is by working on Open Source, but it's not a crusade &amp;ndash; it's just a superior way of working together and generating code.

:It's superior because it's a lot more fun and because it makes cooperation much easier (no silly NDA's or artificial barriers to innovation like in a proprietary setting), and I think Open Source is the right thing to do the same way I believe science is better than alchemy. Like science, Open Source allows people to build on a solid base of previous knowledge, without some silly hiding.

:But I don't think you need to think that alchemy is &quot;evil.&quot; It's just pointless because you can obviously never do as well in a closed environment as you can with open scientific methods.

:* {{cite web| url=http://www.informationweek.com/news/software/linux/showArticle.jhtml?articleID=198002077| title=The Torvalds Transcript: Why I 'Absolutely Love' GPL Version 2| date=2007-03-19| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2008-12-31}}

* I have an ego the size of a small planet, but I'm not _always_ right [...].
** {{cite web| url= http://lwn.net/Articles/246381/ | title= Re: clarification on git, central repositories and commit access lists| date = 20 Aug 2007 | publisher = Linux Weekly News | work = kde-core-devel@kde.org | accessdate= 2007-12-28}}

* It has nothing to do with dinosaurs. Good taste doesn't go out of style
** (About the [[:w:C (programming language)|C programming language]], vs. [[C++]])
** {{cite web | url=http://article.gmane.org/gmane.comp.version-control.git/57957 | title=Re: RFC Convert builin-mailinfo.c to use The Better String Library. | date=7 Sep 2007 | work=gmane.comp.version-control.git | accessdate=12 Sep 2012}}

* Yes, I realize that there's a lot of insane people out there. However, we generally don't do kernel design decisions based on them. But we can pat the insane users on the head and say &quot;we won't guarantee it works, but if you eat your prozac, and don't bother us, go do your stupid things&quot;.
** {{cite web | url=https://lkml.org/lkml/2007/9/18/302 | title=Re: [00/41] Large Blocksize Support V7 (adds memmap support) | date=18 Sep 2007}}
==== 2008 ====
* Your problem has nothing to do with [[w:Git (software)|git]], and everything to do with [[w:Emacs|emacs]]. And then you have the ''gall'' to talk about &quot;Unix design&quot; and not gumming programs together, when you yourself use the most gummed-up piece of absolute sh*t there is!
** {{cite web| url= http://article.gmane.org/gmane.comp.version-control.git/103400| title= Message | work = Git mailing list| date = 2008-12-17| publisher = Gmane | author =Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2008-12-18}}

* The fact is, there aren't just two sides to any issue, there's almost always a range of responses, and &quot;it depends&quot; is almost always the right answer in any big question.
** {{cite web| url=http://torvalds-family.blogspot.com/2008/11/black-and-white.html| title=Linus' blog: Black and white| date=2008-11-02| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2008-11-02}}

* Real quality means making sure that people are proud of the code they write, that they're involved and taking it personally.
** {{cite web| url=http://www.linuxfoundation.org/events/node/154| title= Interview with Linus Torvalds of The Linux Foundation| date=2008-09-15| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2008-12-31}}

* Security people are often the black-and-white kind of people that I can't stand. I think the OpenBSD crowd is a bunch of masturbating monkeys, in that they make such a big deal about concentrating on security to the point where they pretty much admit that nothing else matters to them.
** {{cite web| url=http://article.gmane.org/gmane.linux.kernel/706950| title=Linux 2.6.25.10| date=2008-07-15| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2008-07-16}}

* It's what I call &quot;mental masturbation&quot;, when you engage is some pointless intellectual exercise that has no possible meaning.
** {{cite web| url=http://www.simple-talk.com/opinion/geek-of-the-week/linus-torvalds,-geek-of-the-week/| title=Linus Torvalds, Geek of the Week Interview| date=2008-07-17| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2008-07-17}}

* Sometimes &quot;&lt;tt&gt;pi = 3.14&lt;/tt&gt;&quot; is (a) infinitely faster than the &quot;correct&quot; answer and (b) the difference between the &quot;correct&quot; and the &quot;wrong&quot; answer is meaningless. And this is why I get upset when somebody dismisses performance issues based on &quot;correctness&quot;. The thing is, some specious value of &quot;correctness&quot; is often irrelevant because it doesn't matter. While performance almost ''always'' matters. And I absolutely ''detest'' the fact that people so often dismiss performance concerns so readily.
** Git mailing list, Fri, 8 Aug 2008

* I think [[w:Mac OS X v10.5|Leopard]] is a much better system [than Windows Vista] &amp;hellip; but OS X in some ways is actually worse than Windows to program for. Their file system is complete and utter crap, which is scary.
** {{cite news| title=linux.conf.au conference| url=http://www.theage.com.au/news/technology/torvalds-pans-apples-os-x/2008/02/05/1202090393959.html| date=2008-02-05}}

* And what's the Internet without the rick-roll?
** {{cite web| url=https://bugzilla.redhat.com/show_bug.cgi?id=439858| title= Redhat Bugzilla Bug 439858: swf mozilla plugin - no youtube| date=2008-03-31}}

==== 2009 ====
* Crying that it's an application bug is like crying over the speed of light: you should deal with ''reality'', not what you wish reality was.
* Theory and practice sometimes clash. And when that happens, theory loses. Every single time.
** {{cite web| url=http://lkml.org/lkml/2009/3/25/632| title=Message to Linux kernel mailing list| date=2009-03-25| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2009-03-25}}

* &lt;p&gt;The thing that has always disturbed me about &lt;tt&gt;O_DIRECT&lt;/tt&gt; is that the whole interface is just stupid, and was probably designed by a deranged monkey on some serious mind-controlling substances. [*]&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;[*] In other words, it's an Oracleism.&lt;/p&gt;
** Notes: from NOTES topic of {{cite web| url=http://linux.die.net/man/2/open| title=open(2) manpage| date=2009-04-13}}

* I may make jokes about Microsoft at times, but at the same time, I think the Microsoft hatred is a disease.
** {{cite web| url=http://www.linux-mag.com/cache/7439/1.html| title=Microsoft Patches Linux; Linus Responds| date=2009-06-22| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2009-06-26}}

* There are &quot;extremists&quot; in the free software world, but that's one major reason why I don't call what I do &quot;free software&quot; any more. I don't want to be associated with the people for whom it's about exclusion and hatred.
** {{cite web| url=http://www.linux-mag.com/id/7439| title=Microsoft Patches Linux; Linus Responds| date=2009-06-22| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2009-06-26}}

* Your code is shit.. your argument is shit.
** {{cite web| url=http://lkml.iu.edu/hypermail/linux/kernel/0810.2/1735.html| title=In reply to: Ingo Molnar: &quot;&quot;Re: announce new tree: fix all build warnings, on all configs&quot;&quot;| date=2008-10-20| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2017-04-25}}
** {{cite web| url=http://lkml.iu.edu/hypermail/linux/kernel/0906.3/00429.html| title=In reply to: Andrew Morton: &quot;Re: upcoming kerneloops.org item: get_page_from_freelist&quot;| date=2009-6-24| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2017-04-25}}

=== 2010s ===
==== 2010 ====
* Standards are paper. I use paper to wipe my butt every day. That's how much that paper is worth.
** {{cite web| url= https://bugzilla.redhat.com/show_bug.cgi?id=638477#c129| title= Discussing a &quot;fix&quot; in the memcpy() that broke flash| date= 2010-11-30| work = Bugzilla | publisher = Red Hat | author = Torvalds, Linus}}

*Every time I see some piece of medical research saying that caffeine is good for you, I high-five myself. Because I'm going to live forever.
** {{cite web| url=http://torvalds-family.blogspot.com/2010/08/13744-supplied.html| title=Linus' blog: &quot;13744 supplied&quot;| date=2010-08-03| author=Torvalds, Linus| accessdate=2010-08-23}}

==== 2011 ====
* Toto, I don't think we're talking white-socks-and-sandals any more.
** {{cite web| url=http://torvalds-family.blogspot.com/2011/02/pearls-before-swine.html|author=Torvalds|date=2011-03-01|title=pearls before swine|accessdate= 2011-03-01}}
**Torvalds contemplating his appearance at an Oscar Party.

* Why don't we write code that just works? Or absent a &quot;just works&quot; set of patches, why don't we revert to code that has years of testing? This kind of &quot;I broke things, so now I will jiggle things randomly until they unbreak&quot; is not acceptable. [...] Don't just make random changes. There really are only two acceptable models of development: &quot;think and analyze&quot; or &quot;years and years of testing on thousands of machines&quot;. Those two really do work.
** {{cite web| url=http://thread.gmane.org/gmane.linux.kernel/1126136| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2011-04-13 | title= Linux 2.6.39-rc3 | accessdate= 2011-04-21}}

==== 2012 ====
*We're not masturbating around with some research project. We never were. Even when Linux was young, the whole and only point was to make a *usable* system. It's why it's not some crazy drug-induced microkernel or other random crazy thing.
** {{cite web| url=https://lkml.org/lkml/2012/3/8/495| title=Linus Torvalds - [[w:Linux kernel mailing list|LKML]]| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2012-03-08| accessdate=2012-09-11}}

* [In response to [http://www.oregonlive.com/portland/index.ssf/2012/07/northeast_portland_man_who_str.html]] Good job. More public indecency, less TSA, that's what I say.
** {{cite web| url=https://plus.google.com/102150693225130002912/posts/1FSzP9J5Qm9| title=Linus Torvalds - Google+| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2012-07-18| accessdate=2012-07-27}}

* Somebody is trying to kill all the kernel developers.

:First we had two earthquakes - fine, this week God not only hates republicans, but apparently us kernel developers too. But we kernel developers laugh in the face of danger, and a 5.5 earthquake just makes us whimper and hide in the closet for a while.

:But after we've stopped cowering in the closet, there's a knock on the door, and the conference organizers are handing out skate boards, with the innocent explanations of &quot;We're in San Diego, after all&quot;.

:If that's not a sign of somebody trying to kill us, I don't know what is. Handing out skate boards to a bunch of geeks sounds like a seriously misguided thing to do.
:* {{cite web| url=https://plus.google.com/102150693225130002912/posts/K5sqXE3gB9o| title=Linus Torvalds - Google+| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2012-08-26| accessdate=2012-08-27}}
* […] I really hate big laptops. I can't understand people who lug around 15&quot; (or 17&quot;!) monsters. The right weight for a laptop is 1kg, no more.
* Obsessing about things is important, and things really do matter, but if you can't let go of them, you'll end up crazy.
:*{{cite web| url=http://meta.slashdot.org/story/12/10/11/0030249/linus-torvalds-answers-your-questions| title=Linus Torvalds - Slashdot Interview| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2012-10-11| accessdate=2012-10-11}}

* WE DO NOT BREAK [[w:User space|USERSPACE]]!
:*{{cite web| url=https://lkml.org/lkml/2012/12/23/75| title=Linus Torvalds - [[w:Linux kernel mailing list|LKML]]| author=Torvalds, Linus |date = 2012-12-23 |accessdate = 2012-12-29}}

* I'm not sentimental. Good riddance.
:*{{cite web| url=http://linux.slashdot.org/story/12/12/12/1414238/linux-nukes-386-support| title=Linux Nukes 386 Support - Slashdot| author=Torvalds, Linus |date = 2012-12-12 |accessdate = 2013-08-10}}

* Of course, I'd also suggest that whoever was the genius who thought it was a good idea to read things ONE F*CKING BYTE AT A TIME with system calls for each byte should be retroactively aborted. Who the f*ck does idiotic things like that? How did they not die as babies, considering that they were likely too stupid to find a tit to suck on?
:*{{cite web| url=https://lkml.org/lkml/2012/7/6/495| title=Linus Torvalds - [[w:Linux kernel mailing list|LKML]]| author=Torvalds, Linus |date = 2012-06-06 |accessdate = 2014-10-06}}

==== ''Audience Q&amp;A following interview panel at Aalto University Center'', 2012 ====
:{{cite web| url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MShbP3OpASA&amp;t=61m28s| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2012-06-14 | title= Audience Q&amp;A following interview panel at Aalto University Center | accessdate= 2012-06-17}}

* People say that you should not micro-optimize. But if what you love is micro-optimization... that's what you should do.

* I like offending people, because I think people who get offended ''should'' be offended.

* Nvidia has been the single worst company we've ever dealt with. So Nvidia... fuck you!

* I wish everybody was as nice as I am.

* I started Linux as a desktop operating system. And it's the only area where Linux hasn't completely taken over. That just annoys the hell out of me.

==== 2013 ====
* I realize that lawyers are brought up (probably from small children) to think that &quot;technically true&quot; is what matters, but when you make public PR statements, they should be more than &quot;technically&quot; true. They should be honest. There's a big f*cking difference.
** {{cite web| url=https://plus.google.com/u/0/102150693225130002912/posts/ggzfzKyrcRQ| title=Linus Torvalds - Google+| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2013-01-17| accessdate=2013-01-20}}
* Microsoft isn't evil, they just make really crappy operating systems.
** {{cite web| url=https://twitter.com/linus__torvalds/status/296333371393597440| title=&lt;nowiki&gt;Linus Torvalds on Twitter&lt;/nowiki&gt;| author= Torvalds, Linus| date=2013-01-29| accessdate=2016-07-26}}
* But this is definitely another of those &quot;This is our most desperate hour. Help me, Al-biwan Ke-Viro, you're my only hope&quot; issues. Al? Please don't make me wear that golden bikini.
** {{cite web| url=https://lkml.org/lkml/2013/3/7/529| title=Re: fasync_remove_entry oops| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2013-03-07| accessdate=2013-05-01}}
* I hope I won't end up having to hunt you all down and kill you in your sleep.
** {{cite web| url=https://plus.google.com/102150693225130002912/posts/hvnMn1fFKEm| title=Linus Torvalds - Google+| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2013-04-05| accessdate=2013-04-05}}
* Whoever came up with &quot;hold the shift key for eight seconds to turn on 'your keyboard is buggered' mode&quot; should be shot.
** {{cite web| url=https://plus.google.com/+LinusTorvalds/posts/e4vnEUdB5kn| title=Linus Torvalds - Google+| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2013-06-23| accessdate=2013-10-12}}
* There aren't enough swear-words in the English language, so now I'll have to call you perkeleen vittupää just to express my disgust and frustration with this crap.
** {{cite web| url=https://www.mail-archive.com/linux-kernel@vger.kernel.org/msg467322.html| title=&lt;nowiki&gt;Re: [GIT pull] x86 updates for 3.11&lt;/nowiki&gt;| author= Torvalds, Linus| date=2013-07-13| accessdate=2013-07-15}}
* That's the spirit. Greg has taught you well. You have controlled your fear. Now, release your anger. Only your hatred can destroy me. Come to the dark side, Sarah. We have cookies.
** {{cite web| url=http://marc.info/?l=linux-kernel&amp;m=137390810310498&amp;w=2| title=&lt;nowiki&gt;Re: [ 00/19] 3.10.1-stable review&lt;/nowiki&gt;| author= Torvalds, Linus| date=2013-07-15| accessdate=2013-07-17}}
* Because if you want me to &quot;act professional&quot;, I can tell you that I'm not interested. I'm sitting in my home office wearing a bathrobe. The same way I'm not going to start wearing ties, I'm *also* not going to buy into the fake politeness, the lying, the office politics and backstabbing, the passive aggressiveness, and the buzzwords. Because THAT is what &quot;acting professionally&quot; results in: people resort to all kinds of really nasty things because they are forced to act out their normal urges in unnatural ways.
** {{cite web| url=http://marc.info/?l=linux-kernel&amp;m=137392506516022&amp;w=2| title=&lt;nowiki&gt;Re: [ 00/19] 3.10.1-stable review&lt;/nowiki&gt;| author= Torvalds, Linus| date=2013-07-15| accessdate=2013-07-17}}

==== 2014 ====
* XML is crap. Really. There are no excuses. XML is nasty to parse for humans, and it's a disaster to parse even for computers. There's just no reason for that horrible crap to exist.
** {{cite web| url=https://plus.google.com/+LinusTorvalds/posts/X2XVf9Q7MfV| title=Linus Torvalds - Google+ (As a reply in the comments section)| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2014-03-06| accessdate=2014-03-07}}
* Lookie here, your compiler does some absolutely insane things with the spilling, including spilling a *constant*. For chrissake, that compiler shouldn't have been allowed to graduate from kindergarten. We're talking &quot;sloth that was dropped on the head as a baby&quot; level retardation levels here.
** {{cite web| url=https://lkml.org/lkml/2014/7/24/584| title=&lt;nowiki&gt;LKML: Linus Torvalds: Re: Random panic in load_balance() with 3.16-rc&lt;/nowiki&gt;| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2014-07-24| accessdate=2014-08-10}}
* I don't respect people unless I think they deserve the respect. There are people who think that respect is something that should be given, and I happen to be one of the people who is perfectly happy saying no; respect should be earned. And without being earned, you don't get it. It's really that simple.
** {{Citation | url = https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Mg5_gxNXTo | title = DebConf 14: Q&amp;A with Linus Torvalds | work=[[DebConf]] 2014 Portland | publisher = Youtube/Google | at = 14min35| date=2014|authors=Daniel Gillmore, Ana Guerrerero López }}.

* One of the things, none of the distributions have ever done right is application packaging [...] making binaries for linux desktop applications is a major fucking pain in the ass.
** {{Citation | url = https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5PmHRSeA2c8&amp;t=5m58s | title = DebConf 14: Q&amp;A with Linus Torvalds | work=[[DebConf]] 2014 Portland | publisher = Youtube/Google | at = 5min58| date=2014|authors=Daniel Gillmore, Ana Guerrerero López }}.

* [GPL] version 3 was not a good &quot;here we give you version 2&quot; and then we try to sneak in this new rules and try force everyone to upgrade; that was the part I disliked. The FSF did really sneaky stuff, downright immoral in my opinion.
** {{Citation | url = https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5PmHRSeA2c8&amp;t=49m37s | title = DebConf 14: Q&amp;A with Linus Torvalds | work=[[DebConf]] 2014 Portland | publisher = Youtube/Google | at = 49min37| date=2014|authors=Daniel Gillmore, Ana Guerrerero López }}.

* I may be a huge computer nerd, but even so I don't think education should be about computers. Not as a subject, and not as a classroom resource either.
** {{cite web| url=https://www.itwire.com/business-it-news/open-source/65402-torvalds-says-he-has-no-strong-opinions-on-systemd| author=Sam Varghese| title=iTWire interview| date=2014-09-15| accessdate=2018-07-20}}

* On the internet nobody can hear you being subtle.
**  {{cite web| url=http://www.linux.com/news/featured-blogs/200-libby-clark/791788-linus-torvalds-best-quotes-from-linuxcon-europe-2014| title=&lt;nowiki&gt;Linus Torvalds' Best Quotes from LinuxCon Europe 2014&lt;/nowiki&gt;| author=Clark, Libby| date=2014-10-18| accessdate=2014-10-18}}

==== 2015 ====
* I don’t care about you.
** {{cite web| url=http://arstechnica.com/business/2015/01/linus-torvalds-on-why-he-isnt-nice-i-dont-care-about-you/| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2015-01-15 | title= &lt;nowiki&gt;Linus Torvalds on why he isn’t nice: &amp;quot;I don’t care about you&amp;quot;&lt;/nowiki&gt; | accessdate=2015-01-20}}

* &amp;quot;the most important part of open source is that people are allowed to do what they are good at&amp;quot; and &amp;quot;all that &lt;nowiki&gt;[diversity]&lt;/nowiki&gt; stuff is just details and not really important.&amp;quot;
** {{cite web| url=http://arstechnica.com/business/2015/01/linus-torvalds-on-why-he-isnt-nice-i-dont-care-about-you/| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2015-01-15 | title= &lt;nowiki&gt;Linus Torvalds on why he isn’t nice: &amp;quot;I don’t care about you&amp;quot;&lt;/nowiki&gt; | accessdate=2015-01-20}}

* I am a lazy person, which is why I like open source, for other people to do work for me.
** {{cite web| url=http://arstechnica.com/business/2015/01/linus-torvalds-on-why-he-isnt-nice-i-dont-care-about-you/| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2015-01-15 | title= &lt;nowiki&gt;Linus Torvalds on why he isn’t nice: &amp;quot;I don’t care about you&amp;quot;&lt;/nowiki&gt; | accessdate=2015-01-20}}

* Christ, people. Learn C, instead of just stringing random characters together until it compiles (with warnings).
** {{cite web| url=https://lkml.org/lkml/2015/9/3/428| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2015-09-03 | title= &lt;nowiki&gt;Linus Torvalds on the LKM mailing list&lt;/nowiki&gt; | accessdate=2015-09-30}}

* Get rid of it. And I don't *ever* want to see that shit again.
** {{cite web| url=https://lkml.org/lkml/2015/10/28/215| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2015-10-28 | title= &lt;nowiki&gt;[GIT] Networking&lt;/nowiki&gt; | accessdate=2015-11-05}}

* We don't merge kernel code just because user space was written by a retarded monkey on crack.
** {{cite web| url=https://lkml.org/lkml/2015/6/23/657| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2015-06-23 | title= &lt;nowiki&gt;Linus Torvalds on the LKM mailing list&lt;/nowiki&gt; | accessdate=2015-02-07}}

==== 2016 ====

* I've actually felt slightly uncomfortable at TED for the last two days, because there's a lot of vision going on, right? And I am not a visionary. I do not have a five-year plan. I'm an engineer. And I think it's really -- I mean -- I'm perfectly happy with all the people who are walking around and just staring at the clouds and looking at the stars and saying, &quot;I want to go there.&quot; But I'm looking at the ground, and I want to fix the pothole that's right in front of me before I fall in. This is the kind of person I am.
** {{cite web| url=http://www.ted.com/talks/linus_torvalds_the_mind_behind_linux/| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2016-02-17 | title= &lt;nowiki&gt;Linus Torvalds: The mind behind Linux&lt;/nowiki&gt; | accessdate=2016-04-08}}

* I was 21 at the time, so I was young, but I had already programmed for half my life, basically. And every project before that had been completely personal and it was a revelation when people just started commenting, started giving feedback on your code. And even before they started giving code back, that was, I think, one of the big moments where I said, &quot;I love other people!&quot; Don't get me wrong -- I'm actually not a people person.
** {{cite web| url=http://www.ted.com/talks/linus_torvalds_the_mind_behind_linux/| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2016-02-17 | title= &lt;nowiki&gt;Linus Torvalds: The mind behind Linux&lt;/nowiki&gt; | accessdate=2016-04-08}}

* The desktop hasn't really taken over the world like Linux has in many other areas, but just looking at my own use, my desktop looks so much better than I ever could have imagined. Despite the fact that I'm known for sometimes not being very polite to some of the desktop UI people, because I want to get my work done. Pretty is not my primary thing. I actually am very happy with the Linux desktop, and I started the project for my own needs, and my needs are very much fulfilled. That's why, to me, it's not a failure. I would obviously love for Linux to take over that world too, but it turns out it's a really hard area to enter. I'm still working on it. It's been 25 years. I can do this for another 25. I'll wear them down.
** {{cite web| url=http://www.cio.com/article/3053507/linux/linus-torvalds-still-wants-linux-to-take-over-the-desktop.html| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2016-04-07 | title= &lt;nowiki&gt;Linus Torvalds still wants Linux to take over the desktop&lt;/nowiki&gt; | accessdate=2016-04-07}}

* Lawsuits destroy community. They destroy trust. They would destroy all the goodwill we've built up over the years by being nice.[https://lists.linuxfoundation.org/pipermail/ksummit-discuss/2016-August/003580.html]
* The fact is, the people who have created open source and made it a success have been the developers doing work - and the companies that we could get involved by showing that we are not all insane crazy people like the FSF. The people who have *destroyed* projects have been lawyers that claimed to be out to &quot;save&quot; those projects.[https://lists.linuxfoundation.org/pipermail/ksummit-discuss/2016-August/003580.html]

* I've been personally pretty disappointed with [[w:ARM architecture family|ARM]] as a hardware platform, not as an instruction set, though I've had my issues there, too. [...] What I wanted to upgrade to was Acorn Archimedes ... the thing that gave [[w:ARM architecture family|ARM]] its name.
** {{cite web|url=https://www.computerworld.com/article/3129310/why-linux-pioneer-linus-torvalds-prefers-x86-over-arm.html|author=Torvalds, Linus|date=2016-10-07|title=&lt;nowiki&gt;Why Linux pioneer Linus Torvalds prefers x86 over ARM&lt;/nowiki&gt;|accessdate=2022-06-06}}

==== 2017 ====
* None of this &quot;there is no way to continue&quot; bullshit. Because it is pure and utter SHIT.
** {{cite web| url=https://lkml.org/lkml/2017/7/25/1353| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2017-07-25 | title= &lt;nowiki&gt;Linus Torvalds on the LKM mailing list&lt;/nowiki&gt; | accessdate=2017-10-09 }}

==== 2018 ====

* BULLSHIT. Have you _looked_ at the patches you are talking about? You should have - several of them bear your name. [...] As it is, the patches are COMPLETE AND UTTER GARBAGE. [...] WHAT THE F*CK IS GOING ON?
** {{cite web| url=http://lkml.iu.edu/hypermail/linux/kernel/1801.2/04628.html| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2018-01-21| title=&lt;nowiki&gt;Linus Torvalds on the LKML&lt;/nowiki&gt;| accessdate=2018-01-22 }}

* It looks like the IT security world has hit a new low. If you work in security, and think you have some morals, I think you might want to add the tag-line &quot;No, really, I'm not a whore. Pinky promise&quot; to your business card. Because I thought the whole industry was corrupt before, but it's getting ridiculous. At what point will security people admit they have an attention-whoring problem? 
** {{cite web | url=https://plus.google.com/+LinusTorvalds/posts/PeFp4zYWY46| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2018-03-13| title=&lt;nowiki&gt;Linus Torvalds - Google+&lt;/nowiki&gt;| accessdate=2019-10-16| archiveurl=https://web.archive.org/web/20180314121609/https://plus.google.com/+LinusTorvalds/posts/PeFp4zYWY46| archivedate=2018-03-14 }}

* Can I just once again state my love for it and hope it gets merged soon? Maybe the code isn't perfect, but I've skimmed it, and compared to the horrors that are OpenVPN and IPSec, it's a work of art.
** {{cite web| url=https://lists.openwall.net/netdev/2018/08/02/124| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2018-08-02| title=&lt;nowiki&gt;Linus Torvalds on the netdev mailing list about wireguard&lt;/nowiki&gt;| accessdate=2020-04-25 }}

* This is my reality.  I am not an emotionally empathetic kind of person and that probably doesn't come as a big surprise to anybody.  Least of all me.  The fact that I then misread people and don't realize (for years) how badly I've judged a situation and contributed to an unprofessional environment is not good. This week people in our community confronted me about my lifetime of not understanding emotions.  My flippant attacks in emails have been both unprofessional and uncalled for.  Especially at times when I made it personal.  In my quest for a better patch, this made sense to me. I know now this was not OK and I am truly sorry.
** {{cite web| url=https://lkml.org/lkml/2018/9/16/167| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2018-09-16| title=&lt;nowiki&gt;Linux 4.19-rc4 released, an apology, and a maintainership note&lt;/nowiki&gt;| accessdate=2022-01-06 }}

==== 2021 ====

* You don't know what you are talking about, you don't know what mRNA is, and you're spreading idiotic lies. Maybe you do so unwittingly, because of bad education. Maybe you do so because you've talked to &quot;experts&quot; or watched youtube videos by charlatans that don't know what they are talking about. But dammit, regardless of where you have gotten your mis-information from, any Linux kernel discussion list isn't going to have your idiotic drivel pass uncontested from me. [...] Get vaccinated. Stop believing the anti-vax lies. And if you insist on believing in the crazy conspiracy theories, at least SHUT THE HELL UP about it on Linux kernel discussion lists.
** {{cite web | url=https://lore.kernel.org/lkml/CAHk-=wiB6FJknDC5PMfpkg4gZrbSuC3d391VyReM4Wb0+JYXXA@mail.gmail.com/| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2021-06-10| title=&lt;nowiki&gt;Re: Maintainers / Kernel Summit 2021 planning kick-off - Linus Torvalds&lt;/nowiki&gt;| accessdate=2022-01-06}}

* I know most of us are preparing for Christmas, but give it a whirl, ok? How important are those presents (and that family) anyway?
** {{cite web | url=https://lore.kernel.org/lkml/CAHk-=wgWuZPhK6dgXsS42iMz4o610Uw4QXeUsTSOQheNo1tf5A@mail.gmail.com/T/#u| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2021-12-19| title=&lt;nowiki&gt;Linux 5.16-rc6&lt;/nowiki&gt;| accessdate=2022-01-06}}

==== 2022 ====

* Please, as you emerge from your holiday-induced food coma, do give it a quick test so that we can all be happy about the final release next weekend.
** {{cite web | url=https://lore.kernel.org/lkml/CAHk-=wg=3dEpPGhz8YvJUDWhFW_GUeASBGmqyw3aPQRfB3ki9w@mail.gmail.com/| author=Torvalds, Linus| date=2022-01-02| title=&lt;nowiki&gt;Linux 5.16-rc8&lt;/nowiki&gt;| accessdate=2022-01-06}}

== Attributed ==
* ''If [[w:386BSD|386BSD]] had been available when I started on Linux, Linux would probably never had happened.''
** Source: [http://gondwanaland.com/meta/history/interview.html Mike Linksvayer's 1993 interview] in the [http://gondwanaland.com/meta/history/ first issue of Meta Magazine]

* Software is like sex; it's better when it's free.
** Attributed to Torvalds at 1996 FSF conference, [https://web.archive.org/web/20071016215132/http://www.argentilinux.com.ar/doku.php/linux_videos_documentales:the_code_linux video showing this phrase in one of Torvalds papers (time code: 48.44)]

* The memory management on the [[w:PowerPC|PowerPC]] can be used to frighten small children.
** Source: quoted by Alan Cox [http://groups.google.com/group/comp.os.linux.development.system/msg/dc45421fdef2aaa1?pli=1 here]

* OK, I admit it. I was just a front-man for the real fathers of Linux, the Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus.
** Attributed to Torvalds in ''LinuxWorld'' interview.
** Responding to the [[w:Alexis de Tocqueville Institution|Alexis de Tocqueville Institution]]'s claim that Linus Torvalds is not the real father of Linux.

* 95 percent of all software developers believe they are in the top 5 percent when it comes to knowledge and skills {{Fact}}.

* Guess what? Wheels have been round for a really long time, and anybody who &quot;reinvents&quot; the new wheel is generally considered a crackpot. It turns out that &quot;round&quot; is simply a good form for a wheel to have. It may be boring, but it just tends to roll better than a square, and &quot;hipness&quot; has nothing what-so-ever to do with it.
** Source: [https://lists.linux-foundation.org/pipermail/desktop_architects/2007-August/002446.html on Desktop_architects: Drivers &amp;ndash; below the OS, Fri Aug 3 18:12:57 PDT 2007].

* I don't doubt at all that virtualization is useful in some areas. What I doubt rather strongly is that it will ever have the kind of impact that the people involved in virtualization want it to have.
** Source: [https://lists.linux-foundation.org/pipermail/desktop_architects/2007-August/002446.html Desktop_architects list, 2007.8.3]

* Now, most of you are probably going to be totally bored out of your minds on Christmas day, and here's the perfect distraction. Test 2.6.15-rc7. All the stores will be closed, and there's really nothing better to do in between meals.
** Source: [http://lkml.org/lkml/2005/12/24/92 LKML 2005.12.24]

* First off, I'm actually perfectly well off. I live in a good-sized house, with a nice yard, with deer occasionally showing up and eating the roses (my wife likes the roses more, I like the deer more, so we don't really mind). I've got three kids, and I know I can pay for their education. What more do I need? The thing is, being a good programmer actually pays pretty well; being acknowledged as being world-class pays even better. I simply didn't need to start a commercial company. And it's just about the least interesting thing I can even imagine. I absolutely hate paperwork. I couldn't take care of employees if I tried. A company that I started would never have succeeded &amp;ndash; it's simply not what I'm interested in! So instead, I have a very good life, doing something that I think is really interesting, and something that I think actually matters for people, not just me. And that makes me feel good.
** -- 8/15/07 -- http://www.itbusiness.ca/it/client/en/TechGovernment/News.asp?id=44682&amp;PageMem=2 --

* So LSM stays in. No ifs, buts, maybes or anything else. When I see the security people making sane arguments and agreeing on something, that will change. Quite frankly, I expect hell to freeze over before that happens, and pigs will be nesting in trees. But hey, I can hope.
** -- 10/1/07 -- http://web.archive.org/20071008195655/kerneltrap.org/Linux/Pluggable_Security

* So I would not be surprised if the globbing libraries, for example, will do NFD-mangling in order to glob &quot;correctly&quot;, so even programs ported from real Unix might end up getting pathnames subtly changed into NFD as part of some hot library-on-library action with UTF hackery inside.
** -- Wed, 23 Jan 2008 -- http://web.archive.org/20080213164251/kerneltrap.org/mailarchive/git/2008/1/23/595619

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* List of [http://flossdata.syr.edu/data/insults/2012LTinsultsLKML.tsv.txt insults from Torvalds' 2012 postings] to the Linux Kernel Mailing List
* List of [http://flossdata.syr.edu/data/insults/2013LTinsultsLKML.tsv.txt insults from Torvalds' 2013 postings] to the Linux Kernel Mailing List
* List of [http://flossdata.syr.edu/data/insults/2014LTinsultsLKML.tsv.txt insults from Torvalds' 2014 postings] to the Linux Kernel Mailing List

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    <title>Talk:Jesus</title>
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== Thoughts on this new article ==

There have been and perhaps will always be extreme disputes as to the authenticity of statements attributed to ancient figures, and even to the existence of these figures by some, with greater or lesser reasons for contrary and conflicting assessments. These sayings are generally accepted to be those that many early Christians DID believe to be authentic… and will be presented as notable and worthy of consideration in these times where dogma and bigotry has often ruled far more than clear conscience.  The format of this article will provide for a great deal of diversity, and this page can provide a great deal of discussion as to merit of various sources and ideas. —There may be contentions over the prefered translations, but let there be respect for all who sincerely respect ''the SEARCH'' for truth, and who do not presume that they and they alone have it, and that all others should automatically defer to them without argument and dispute. 

Of the words of Yeshua, as preserved in the Gospels, and especially those preserved by the ''Evangelion Thomas''(The Gospel of Thomas): 
I personally have little doubt that these are words of a singularly unique moral, spiritual, and mystical genius, and I have NO DOUBT AT ALL that they are worthy to be studied and cherished, whatever one's opinions of their origins might be, or of subsequent doctrines and interpretations of their meanings and their relative merit with the teachings of others that have been imposed upon the minds of millions in the millennia since. The same is certainly true of many great teachers like [[Moses]], [[Lao Tzu]], [[Gautama Buddha|Buddha]], [[Muhammad]] and others whose lessons are often neglected and shunned by those who have little interest in learning things that in some way do not flatter their own presumptions and personal aims in life, and the immense regard they have for their own particular egos and established cultural affinities.  

There are very few words that anyone could ever speak that reveal a more profound awareness of [[w:Eternity|Eternity]] and it's ultimate patterns and [[en:Time|time]] and it's ultimate workings, than those said long ago by a then-obscure teacher — A Rabbi who taught in the towns, on the waters, and on the hillsides around the Lake of Galilee: &quot;'''The Heavens and the Earth may pass away, but my words shall never pass away.'''&quot;

His words and those of all who have wisely followed his examples were ever those of Truth and Love, and I am one who holds that there shall never be an end or limit to the appreciation of his words, his wisdom, his honesty, and his Love. 

'''May ever greater wisdom bless everyone who seeks [[en:Wisdom|Wisdom]] wherever the seeking leads them.''' — Kalki 2003·11·11

==Suggestions and Ideas:==

Quotations added from any canonical document ideally should have precise identification of where in the document it is found. 

I confess that I am one of those who is inclined to believe that the Thomas document is an earlier record than that of the other ''Gospels'', and that is one reason I have begun with it as a base, but it is also convenient for providing a wide variety of statements in a simple order. 

I propose that as comments are added,  this Talk page be sectioned for commentaries and discussions upon any of the particular sayings, and not just the article in general. 

ie: 

 ==Comments on Sayings from ''Thomas''==

--- 
saying 11
--- 
saying 44
--- 
 ==Comments on Sayings from Mark==

== Gospel of Thomas as a base ==

I am confused by the use of the Gospel of Thomas as a base for this selection of quotes.

The reason I object is that this gospel has been largely rejected by mainstream Christianity and quite a number of Theologians and Historians, and those who give it significant credence make up a relatively small fringe-group.  
While I believe that quotations from the Gospel of Thomas have their place on this page, I submit that the emphasis given to them should better reflect their fringe status.  

I do not think my opinion as to what is an &quot;authentic quote&quot; and what is not should play a part on this page, only that the controversy be in some way reflected.  Does this seem reasonable? ---''Shotbolt 2005-04-01''

  ==Comments on Sayings from Luke==

Sorry, I'm relatively inexperienced at both Wikipedia and biblical studies (being an atheist) but I'd have thought the modernised version of 12:57 given on the page is incorrect. The KJV has, immediately after discussing hypocrisy &quot;Yea and why not even of yourself judge ye not what is right.&quot; Like I say I'm no expert, but I'd have thought this would be better understood as &quot;Why not apply moral judgement to yourself [as well as to others]&quot; rather than, as given on the page &quot;Decide for yourself what is right&quot;. Could someone a little more authorative give an opinion (please take into account the context of the passage). --- ''Faboba 2005-08-20''

--- 

I'm in agreement with those that point out the Gospel of Thomas being fringe. The Wikiquotes shouldn't be used as a soapbox for fringe groups to make themselves appear less-fringe.

---

Seconded.  Thomas is fringe; let's reflect that.

Also, the over-emphasis on his name in Aramaic is a little silly.  This material is in English, and whereas he probably was originally called Yeshua, the overwhelmingly preferred form of his name in English texts is ''Jesus'', the anglicised version of Greek Ιησους from the Canonical Gospels.  I see for example that Wikiquote currently refers e.g. to ''Joan of Arc'', not ''Jeanne d'Arc'', even though she was French.

---

:Thank you for your opinion, folks. I heartfully recommend you something which is estimated on this project:
:#Please sign at the end of your opinion with four tilda (&lt;nowiki&gt;~~~~&lt;/nowiki&gt;); it is the first wisdom for discussion here; for accountability [who said what] and documentation [when]. Opinion without signature tends to be taken usually not serious or sometimes, on a bad faith. But I assume you didn't know plainly how to sign.  
:#Consider to register yourself with your favorite name. It will make things much easier and your accountability to your opinion will grow.
:As for ''Thomas'' I object to reject them at all, because here it is not a problem if it is canonical from a view of Church. I oppose strongly to treat it as &quot;Biblical Canon&quot; but here this book should be acceptable because our policy is not religious but Neutral View of Point.
:On the other hand it is fair to make remarks briefly on ''Thomas'' .
:As for naming convention, I prefer Jeanne d'Arc to Joan of Arc ;-) but we don't make a biography nor encyclopedia, those inforamtion is worthy to consider moving to other place, like Wikipedia.
--[[User:Aphaia|Aphaia]] 20:43, 5 May 2005 (UTC)

== On issue of Thomas ==

I myself, new to Wikiquote, find it interesting that upon searching Jesus, I find a rare, and I do agree with most, fringe, opinion of Him/him. 

Let me say this, first and foremost: '''THE QUOTES OF JESUS SHOULD COME FROM THE BIBLE'''. Why? The Bible is overwhelmingly accepted by Christians. Were I to read about Buddha, I would expect a Buddhist view of him, not what a Christian or Muslim would say about Buddha (more on this later). The Bible must be the source of the majority of quotations. While this is not a theological debate, ''Jesus' words are theological in discussion, and as such must have common, unifying evidence and historical proof, such kind that only the Bible provides.''

Before I comment on the Gospel of Thomas, I would like to elaborate on what the Bible, the BASE source of quotes from Jesus, is exactly. It consists of the Old Testament and New Testament. The New Testament consists of a collection of books that Christians themselves claim as their defining book of faith, which consists, in large part, of the sayings of Jesus. Theologically speaking, Christians tend to (and in no way definitively) believe that the Bible is from God's direct intervention, such that the books in the New Testament are there for a reason, divine or otherwise. Alternatively, some Christians, and most all non-Christians, would say that the Bible is selected by the early church and therefore their BEST interpretation of Jesus.

As to the Gospel of Thomas... It is considered by some as a 'lost book' of the Bible. Is this accurate? Well, yes, but mostly no. If by definition the Bible is what God intended to place within, then no, for ''God, who by definition is infallible, would not 'lose' a book''. If it is what early church leaders viewed as their BEST interpretation, then no again, for ''they didn't lose Thomas, they discarded it'', and ultimately named their valued books the New Testament. It should be noted that Thomas is valuable and important. But it is not part of the Bible, and therefore should not be the base of any such topic on which the Bible would convey a much fuller picture in regards to words attributed to Jesus. 

In respect to the main page, I would use the Bible as the base. Such changes brought about would be, in concordance with the majority of versions of the Bible, referral to '''Jesus as Jesus''', and a much greater focus on the accepted Gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. With respect to the original author, of course, Thomas would still be included, ''yet not given over half of the entire entries and highlighted often''. Not by any personal preference, but so that it all comes from the same clear and unified source that the quotes are attributed to. 

Sorry if this lengthy opinion of mine (and that's what it is, ''my opinion'') seems too concerned with doctrine. Forgive me then, but I would hope that if there is to be a web page that lays down the sayings of ''any'' fundamental figure in ''any'' religion, mainstream or not, that it would '''honor the primary source as the definitive source''', which I believe Wikiquote is in error in regards to Jesus. And if you are intrigued by this argument, feel free to visit [http://reasons.org/resources/fff/2002issue10/index.shtml#lost_books] for more information

[[User:65.30.43.1|65.30.43.1]] 07:51, 24 May 2005 (UTC)Matt K.   5/24/05

:Thank you anon, or Matt (I recommend you to register, for your opinion. I don't report my argument on the above. As for the origin and status of &quot;Bible&quot; I have a different opinion. I don't prefer to call Thomas as &quot;the lost part of Bible&quot; because there was no &quot;Bible&quot; what we know as is nowaday. To hold it as is, we must wait for Carthago Synod in the 4th century. And for authoritiy and authencity of &quot;the Bible&quot; I admit it is or would be so for Christianity, but for Wikiquote based on NPOV it should be stripped its absolute status. I admit the four Gospel are primary source - so please quote from them. I admit Thomas is not accepted as an authentic source from the majority - so please note as it at the section of Thomas. It is not good Thomas is the main part of this article - yes, honestly I think so, therefore support your idea to expand the Gospel; please add quotes you prefer from the Bible in Public Domain. I won't because I myself have no English Bible in PD regretfully. Please to think about expanding before pruning. And then if we prefer, we are better to prune less notable quotes. But I don't think the current article which remains still a skelton  reached its pruning stage. It'll be florish, and it is totally up to your input ;) --[[User:Aphaia|Aphaia]] 09:16, 24 May 2005 (UTC)

I could not agree with you more. The argument regarding 'lost books' of the Bible is really unneccessary as long as all books of the traditional Bible are included, to which I will try to make some headway.

[[User:65.30.43.1|65.30.43.1]] 22:29, 24 May 2005 (UTC) Matt

== Quotes About section ==

I am relatively new here, but I just noticed the new &quot;Quotes About Jesus&quot; section and it seems to be mostly quotes specifically denying the diety of Christ or other anti-orthadox quotes. I think these are fine to have, but they should be balanced with orthadox quotations as well. Also is there even supposed to be a &quot;Quotes About&quot; section? 
I don't really know what the standards are here, so just let me know. [[User:KyleT|KyleT]] 05:18, 7 Jun 2005 (UTC)

:'''I disagree. The quotes about Jesus portion is politicization of whatever ideological bent contributors want to present. The whole section needs to be done away with. No major encyclopedia would include quotes about Jesus from completely meaningless sources - Christopher Hitchens, Thomas Jefferson, Albert Einstein, etc. - I'm looking at you.  Contributors should earnestly strive for impartiality and currently, this entire section - quotes about Jesus - drags the credibility of this article down. Also concerning is the use of BOLD types in the quotes section. Why is emphasis being added?  Is this actually an editorial section in which contributors discuss their own thoughts about Jesus?  All the more reason to ditch this section or drastically rework it.  ---[[User:198.204.133.208|198.204.133.208]] 15:46, 13 September 2007 (UTC)

== Christ! ==

Isn't it generally considered an endorsement of Christianity to call Jesus 'Jesus Christ'? He's technically known as Jesus of Nazareth, the 'Christ' bit being purely mythological. Also, do we really want to call this person, who we only know from religious texts, a philosopher?!?

:I agree we should not call him &quot;Christ&quot;. There is a convention to avoid honorifics in page titles, and &quot;Christ&quot; (from &quot;Christus&quot;, &quot;the annointed&quot; (in English) or &quot;Mashiah&quot; (corrupted to &quot;messaiah&quot;)) is definitely an honorific (akin to &quot;king&quot;) ~ [[User:MosheZadka|MosheZadka]] [[User talk:MosheZadka|(Talk)]] 08:23, 24 July 2005 (UTC)

:I disagree with this motion and I think that the term &quot;Christ&quot; should remain.  While I think the term 'Jesus' should be preferred over 'Jesus Christ', it would be hightly confusing to a user to remove 'Christ' from the page on Jesus.  'Jesus' and 'Jesus Christ' are both widely used as part of the culture of over one-sixth of all living humans.  For example, anyone using Wikiquote search funtionality is highly likely to type in 'Jesus Christ' in the box. While titles should not be overly emphasised, they must also be recognised for practical reasons.  Here are some reasons why:
::* Consistency:
::eg [[Buddha]] is actually a title, not a name (follow the link).  Searchers will not type in &quot;Siddhartha Gautama&quot; and readers would become confused if the Buddha was referred to during the article or quotes section as &quot;Siddhartha Gautama&quot;.
::* Practicality:
::[[Queen Elizabeth II]] could not be listed as just 'Elizabeth' as searchers are largely unaware of her surname, the single term 'Elizabeth' fails to distingush her from any other 'Elizabeth', of which there are many.  
:Practicality and readability must be considered. I find it ridiculous that we remove all titles:  Imagine 'Vader' without the 'Darth'... [[User:203.173.156.61|203.173.156.61]] 11:13, 4 August 2005 (UTC)Shotbolt

::Did you check? [[Jesus Christ]] is a redirect page. ~ [[User:MosheZadka|MosheZadka]] [[User talk:MosheZadka|(Talk)]] 11:32, 4 August 2005 (UTC)

::I agree that the Christ title should stay.  After reading the argument aginst using Christ i remembered how the name Buddha was not his real name.  The i saw someone had already said that so i am just agreeing now.  Keep Christ in there.

::I think we should switch the page back to Jesus Christ. If only because Jesus also happens to be the name of my gardner.

== I apologize. ==

I'm sorry, in a sober state I realize this is an important article...
and I shouldn't have attempted to add a thing because this is obviously under someone's care... and I was misplacing my anger.  But I'm getting over it, resolution, realization that that is how I react, on an article such as this.  Hrm, I might just be calling out, subconsciously, for Him.

I've had a LOT of stress, recently.  I'm in the process of moving to Pennsylvania under EXTRAORDINARY circumstances, amongst them are that my parents are getting a divorce after 33 years of marriage.  

... I didn't really know how drunk I was.

By the way, did you know that the Amish ''really do'' call the Catholic Church the &quot;Abomination&quot;?


== PHILOSOPHER??? ==

I don't think Jesus of Nazareth was a philosopher. He was more like David Koresh than Aristotle. He was a teacher, but a dogmatic religious teacher. Everything goes back to Yahweh. He didn't encourage critical thinking. Here's what a real philosopher says of the gospels, &quot;So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence.&quot; Come on, what kind of philosopher would someone be if in four books written about you there wasn't a word in praise of intelligence? As I see it, calling him a philosopher is just POV aggrandizing him.
[[User:63.236.244.224|63.236.244.224]] 00:37, 9 September 2005 (UTC)

: &quot;what kind of philosopher would someone be if in four books written about you there wasn't a word in praise of intelligence?&quot;
: That is because intelligence is morally neutral, it can be used for good or for evil. Anyway, the idea that salvation is only for the intelligent and is excluded from the simple minded is absurd. [[User:Bwooster1|Bwooster1]] 02:58, 1 May 2006 (UTC)

:: That Jesus was a philosopher: a &quot;lover of Wisdom&quot; a ponderer upon it, and an assertor of it, I think to the unprejudiced mind, is obvious, no matter how much time might have obscured or corrupted much of his testimony, and testimony about his wisdom. 

:: What kind of philosopher would someone be if the took the word of even a very wise and revered philosopher that in four books written about someone there wasn't a word in praise of intelligence? In Matthew 10:16 Jesus advises his followers &quot;Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves.&quot; which certainly seems to be at least one incident of praise of intelligence, as manifested in prudence and wisdom.

:: Beyond that, what kind of philosopher would someone be if they took only four books out of thousands written about someone, or worse, a bit of hyperbole, or the snipes of the uninformed and misinformed, as the ultimate testimony in assessing a person as a philosopher? The wise endeavor to make clear assessments of Reality, not to make claims of ultimate knowledge about it. &quot;Know Thy Self&quot; is wise counsel, to presume that you know others, or even yourself, so much as is possible, is folly. ~ [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 12:33, 21 January 2007 (UTC)

== Work in progress ==

I have done quite a bit of work on this article today, and intend to do more in the coming days, but I will probably pause a bit to do other things, and consider what formatting options might be best... there is still quite a hodge-podge of formatting styles present in it, and in seeking new quotes to separate the images in each section better, I will be considering which formats seem best for this particular article, and which should be abandoned. The small print that was used extensively looks horrible in the FireFox browser that I've been using. ~ [[User:Achilles|Achilles]] [[User_talk:Achilles|†]] 16:32, 29 October 2005 (UTC)

== Aramaic or Hebrew statements discussion ==

*It should be noted that &quot;sabachthani&quot; is not actually an Hebrew word. It was most likely originally &quot;azavtani&quot;, which means &quot;forsaken me&quot;.
*While &quot;sabachthani&quot; is not Hebrew, it is Aramaic. And while in the past it has been supposed that Jesus spoke Aramaic there are many scholars who believe that his actual language was Hebrew. But that like other [[w:Rabbi|Rabbi]]s he used Aramaic &quot;loan words&quot; in addition to Hebrew . This verse is a prime example because in Aramaic you don't get the same play on words that you would get in Hebrew. i.e. When Jesus uttered the words &quot; Eli, Eli&quot; those standing around him said he was calling to Elijah (Mark 15.35). Eli meaning either &quot;my God&quot; (el - i) or Eli a shortened form of Elijah (e-li) Where as Eloi is only used of God.

I moved the above comments here, from the &quot;Aramaic or Hebrew statements&quot; section as they form more of a discussion of POVs than they do brief NPOV comments. ~ [[User:Achilles|Achilles]] [[User_talk:Achilles|†]] 07:17, 29 December 2005 (UTC)

There is a problem with the line: '''Aramaic: &quot;אלהי אלהי למא שבקתני&quot; (Êlî êlî lâmâ `azabtânî)'''. The letters in Hebrew says &quot;SHABAKTANI&quot; (I'm a native speaker of the language and never hread that word...), while the phonetic transliteration mean &quot;forsaken me&quot; (עזבתני). [[User:74.120.113.47|74.120.113.47]] 23:40, 24 July 2007 (UTC)

== Bible Version ==

In my humble opinion, the quotes in this section should be from KJV not NIV. Otherwise, why not any other brand-X modern translation? [[User:Bwooster1|Bwooster1]] 02:28, 1 May 2006 (UTC)
 
:Why?  Your opinion doesn't sound the least bit humble to me.  You sound like someone who's hawking the KJV over one that people can understand for your own sense of tradition.  No one apeaks Jacobean English anymore, so why insist?  This is precisely what the Church of Rome did with the Vulgate, which was written so that all could understand and later came to be the &quot;only God-inspired&quot; translation -- the same argument that a lot of KJ-only folk use.  The Bible is meant to be understood by even the least educated of people.  There is no reason to use a translation that is incomprehensible to the vast majority of English speakers.  [[User:Danwaggoner|Danwaggoner]] 17:57, 14 August 2009 (UTC)
I believe what my friend is trying to say is that we would all rather a version of the Bible that everyone can understand. It is wrong to assume that everyone is comfortable with an old english translation of the Bible; which is in fact beautiful but perhaps not the best version to relate to everyone in the twenty-first century.

== Transwiki of &quot;not with me&quot; quotes ==

I have completed a transwiki started by [[User:^demon|^demon]] from a Wikipedia article called &quot;You're either with us, or against us&quot; that contained the passage &quot;He who is not with me is against me...&quot;. The WP editors who worked on this particular quote are:
* (cur) (last) 17:48, 27 March 2006 (UTC) [[w:User:Dbachmann|Dbachmann]] (→Historical use of the phrase)
* (cur) (last) 20:33, 28 December 2005 (UTC) [[w:User:Mwazzap|Mwazzap]] m (→Historical use of the phrase)
* (cur) (last) 23:32, 7 November 2005 (UTC) [[w:User:JJLatWiki|JJLatWiki]] (→Historical use of the phrase - reverted removal biblical reference)
* (cur) (last) 01:44, 26 October 2005 (UTC) [[w:User:Ck4829|Ck4829]]
* (cur) (last) 16:15, 5 August 2005 (UTC) [[w:User:JJLatWiki|JJLatWiki]] (→Historical use of the phrase)
* (cur) (last) 22:12, 3 August 2005 (UTC) [[w:User:CDThieme|CDThieme]] (→Historical use of the phrase)
* (cur) (last) 20:15, 23 July 2005 (UTC) [[w:User:205.250.146.89|205.250.146.89]]
However, since 2 citations (Matthew and Luke) were given, I immediately pulled up their King James versions, corrected and expanded them, and cited the passages in a format more appropriate for the &quot;different sources compared&quot; section. Regular editors of this article are welcome to do what they will with this information; my sole interest was to get the transwiki completed. ~ [[User:Jeffq|Jeff Q]]&amp;nbsp;[[User talk:Jeffq|(talk)]] 04:38, 23 May 2006 (UTC)

== &quot;Messiah&quot; status in Islamic traditions ==

I removed a line in the heading which mischaracterizes the role of Jesus in Islam. Though most Christians would declare him as &quot;the&quot; [[w:Messiah|Messiah]] of &quot;ultimate salvation&quot; for all people, actually, in Islamic traditions, though Jesus is ''a '' great prophet and &quot;the&quot; ''prophesied'' messiah to the Jews, the role of &quot;ultimate&quot; and &quot;universal&quot; salvation has become more or less implicitly assigned to [[Muhammad]] as deliverer of the ''[[Quran]]'', and his consideration (by most Muslims) to be not only a great prophet, but the &quot;final&quot; prophet. ~ [[User:Shadow|Shadow]] 06:56, 4 June 2006 (UTC)

: Funny how many &quot;final prophets&quot; there have been.  Joseph Smith and Bahá'u'lláh are two recent examples.   [[User:Danwaggoner|Danwaggoner]] 18:07, 14 August 2009 (UTC)
 
:: Not sure about Joseph Smith, as I haven't studied Mormonism much; but, Bahá'u'lláh specifically said that there would be more after him. ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|&quot;I'm listening....&quot;]])'' 20:02, 14 August 2009 (UTC)
 
''The Following section has been moved from the article area.''

==A note on possible additions==

Further refinements of this article might include providing statements from all ancient sources in all the original languages of the earliest existing copies, —which in most cases would be Greek, Coptic, or sometimes transliterations of Aramaic. It would be useful if within this article the various renditions of statements in the various gospels could be brought together for comparison. It is expected that this work will be taken up by some who are zealous to see it progress, until it is completed to the satisfaction of most. It is to be hoped that sectarian and secular hostilities, and disputes about relative merit of the sources, translations and statements that are used can be kept to a minimum, and remain within the bounds of proper civility and charity. '''Until civility and charity rule the hearts, minds, and actions of all who would be considered wise, there is certainly a great deal left to be done in the clarification of virtue.'''

== Easter Sunday 2007 - Massive cleanup ==

There had been very many diverse expansions to this article in recent months, and some of them were barely relevant, or not at all so, for a page of quotations by or about Jesus, and some that were relevant but were in wrong sections. This is a summary of most of the work I did on this article today: 

# Removed notice that stated : &quot;All Biblical quotes in this article are taken from the [[w:King James Version|King James Version]] (KJV) unless otherwise specified.&quot; Though the KJV is the version that I began with in creating this article, and one of those I most like to use for quotation there are many other versions in use now, and there will probably increasingly be others. I replaced it with:  &quot;All Biblical quotes in this article should specify the translation or version which is being used.&quot;
# Added a couple variants of the [[w:Lord's Prayer|Lord's Prayer]] and move it into the &quot;Varants of major statements&quot; compared section.
# Restored &lt;nowiki&gt; &lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; &lt;/nowiki&gt; breaks removed from that section by previous editor. Though there are other formatting options that might be used instead of these, they currently serve to separate the variants being compared.
# Removed several very large passages that were added of [[Martin Luther]] where he says much about his opinions on Jews but very little or nothing at all actually about Jesus, retained one that actually did directly comment upon Jesus.
# Moved quotes about Jesus in Gospel of Mary to proper section : Quotes ''about'' Jesus.
# Moved large tracts from the Qur'an which are about Jesus but do not contain a single quotation of Jesus to their own subsection in Quotes ''about'' Jesus... 
# Moved passages from The Book of Revelation that some interpret as being about Jesus to the section ''about'' Jesus, and added some quotations actually attributed to Jesus by John in his vision of the Apocalypse to the section they were removed from.
# Replaced caption for an image that was quoting Isaiah and John about God, and doesn't clearly refer to the person of Jesus at all. 
# Retained quotes by Gibbon on Christian faith that tangentially refers to Jesus, but debated removing one that doesn't so clearly do so.
# Removed one by Christopher Hitchens that doesn't clearly refer to Jesus, trim one that tangentially does, but extensively addresses more general notions of faith and doctrines. 
# Removed quote by an Abu Ghraib torture victim that is not actually about Jesus, but about the attitudes of a torturer.
# Removed quote by [[Adolf Hitler]] that only very tangentially mentions Jesus, retain two that are more direct statement of Hitler's opinion about the attitude of Jesus towards other Jews.
# Trimmed an extensive passage of [[Thomas Jefferson]] to reduce it to those parts where he specifically is referring to Jesus, and extend other sections which were edited down to make it seem he was being extremely critical of him in that passage, when he was actually praising him.
# Revised or added a few comments on various quotations or sections.

I also debated removing the extensive section which merely is quoting sections of the [[w:King James Version of the Bible|King James Version of the Bible]] in the compilation known as &quot;Jefferson's Bible, but retained it as being ''about'' Jesus, though it is ''not'' actually a quotation of Jefferson about him.

There is much more work that can be done on this article, and there were some sections I have not yet examined thoroughly, but I barely had the time to do what I have done today, and will probably let it rest as it is for a while, with perhaps some minor formatting work within the next week, and monitor further changes to it to the extent I can. ~ [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 18:38, 8 April 2007 (UTC)

== A note on a recent reversion ==

The people known today as [[w:Gnosticism|Gnostics]] did not call themselves Gnostics, and many called themselves simply Chrisitans, and when I created a section for &quot;non-canonical scriptures&quot; I considered that there could be more included in that heading than those which are normally called &quot;Gnostic&quot;. After recent objections to that name for that section, I altered it to &quot;Gnostic scriptures&quot; which does limit the section a bit more, but allows for potential quotes from the many Gnostic writings that were never called &quot;Gospels&quot;. 

I personally am not stifled by any doctrinal constraints as to what should be considered &quot;canonical&quot; and worthy or unworthy of study about any religious tradition and personally I believe the preponderance of evidence indicates that chronologically the documents were written in the order: Thomas, followed by Mark, with Mathew and Luke written at around the same time, and finally John, which also certainly could be called a &quot;Gnostic Gospel&quot; as it was clearly a favorite of those groups called Gnostic as well as those who declared themselves &quot;orthodox&quot;. I originally created the page with that chronological order, but later I accepted edits where the &quot;canonical&quot; arrangement of &quot;Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John&quot; were preferred, because that is the order most familiar to most people, and accepted Thomas coming afterwards because it remains relatively obscure and controversial. I can accept some of the arguments for its later composition as sometimes interesting, and even clever, but they have never been particularly convincing to me, and I do tend to view the degree of support that they have received as motivated largely by doctrinal concerns, rather than their own merits.

One could argue that the Gospel of Mary and the Gospel of Judas might represent very early traditions, but no major scholarship proposes a very early date for their composition, and I believe that neither should be given a position prior to that of Thomas on the page.

The Qur'an rightfully has its own page, as do various Christian, Jewish, and other religious scriptures, though as yet, activity on these pages have been relatively minor; but the fact that it is held as holy scripture by millions of people does not alter the fact the quotes provided in that section are quotes ''about'' Jesus, and though these are extensive enough to merit their own sub-section within the section of &quot;Quotes ''about'' Jesus&quot; it's level of popularity, or its presumed authority among various religious factions, does not mean it any way &quot;deserves&quot; to have its own particular section seperated and removed from that section, even if the quotations ''about'' Jesus are held to be &quot;quotes of God&quot;, rather than of a man.

The quotation of dialog between an Abu Ghraib torture victim and his tormentor which includes a comment where he is incidentally told to &quot;Pray to Jesus&quot; as a means of insult and humiliation, is in no way a quote ''about'' Jesus, and only very tangentially and inferentially might it even be considered a quote about Christianity. The tormentor might have been someone who considered himself a Christian, but could also easily have been an agnostic or atheist simply intent on causing distress where he had the power to do so, as is all too common a trait among many people whatever religious or non-religious beliefs they might profess. ~ [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 20:29, 13 April 2007 (UTC)

:This is just silly. Everyone calls them the [[w:Gnostic Gospels|Gnostic Gospels]]. Including Wikipedia. Because they're called [[w:Gnostic Gospels|Gnostic Gospels]]. So let's not invent a new name for them here. [[User:Écrasez l'infâme|Écrasez l&amp;#39;infâme]] 02:37, 14 April 2007 (UTC)

I have retained the name the Gnostic Gospels for now, but there is far more material available of Gnostic literature than that which was composed in works called &quot;Evangelions&quot; (or &quot;Gospels&quot;) and it is hardly &quot;inventing&quot; a term to refer to these works a scripture. Its been a number of years since I intensely studied much the material, but I have many volumes of it, and there might be material I will add in the future. All of the Gospel of Mary and Qur'an material thus far posted merely provide quotes ''about'' Jesus, not of him, and, in accordance with the standard organization of pages this material should be in a section of its own, and there is no reason that the Qur'an quotes should have any special status that removes them from such a section. ~ [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 01:34, 23 April 2007 (UTC)

: [[User:Kalki|Kalki]], this is truly absurd: the entire New Testament is nothing but a bunch of quotations ''about'' Jesus, even the quotes ''attributed'' to him, simply because it was written long after Jesus died. No one knows if Jesus actually spoke ''any'' of the Biblical quotes actually attributed to him. The Bible even contradicts itself about where Jesus delivered his most important sermon -- was it on a mount (Mt 5:1-7:29)? or on a plain (Lk 6:17-49)? Therefore, for this and many other reasons, the Gnostic Gospels and the Qur'an necessarily and logically speak with equal authority as the Bible and deserve equal footing. I have given them their own sections. [[User:Écrasez l'infâme|Écrasez l&amp;#39;infâme]] 02:48, 24 April 2007 (UTC)

'''I have merely insisted that the standard organization for all pages on people should be followed here as it is elsewhere, and that quotations depicting the direct statements ''of'' Jesus, whatever their presumed accuracy or lack of it should have their own sections, and quotes ''about'' him should have theirs. '''This is hardly absurd. It is simply following the long standing guidelines for creating pages about people.

The whole New Testament, though primarily about Jesus and his testimony is not primarily composed of statements attributed to him, as many of the Gospel statements are. Much of it is also the testimony by [[Paul of Tarsus]], as well as the other writers, of their beliefs and ideas concerning virtuous and vile attitudes and behavior based on what they believed the teachings of Jesus implied or impelled. 

Anyone's personal opinions, points of view, and presumptions about the accuracy or lack of it in the books of the New Testament or the Gnostic testaments, or other works, should not be the governing criterion by which the page is organized. Many of the statements of the very early works ''are'' depicted as statements ''of'' Jesus, and for the most part have historically been accepted as for the most part accurate, even by most non-religious historians, though sectarian and secular interpretations of them and their value can vary greatly. The Gospel of Thomas is unique in being nearly entirely a collection of statements attributed to him. 

You seem to keep insisting that the page should be divided up entirely from what works they are from, and that works written centuries later should be treated as if they were entirely equal in value in any statements they make about the ideas of Jesus, as those which include statements depicted as directly stated by him. '''Any of these specific works either do or can have their own separate pages, but the organization of a page for a person should retain the standard division of quotations ''of'' a person and quotations ''about'' a person.'''

Whatever creedal doctrines one accepts, rejects, despises, condones, or embraces, documents that were written by contemporaries of Jesus, within a few decades of his death do have some credible claim to accuracy in depicting at least some of his statements and it is only a small minority of people with their own extreme biases and presumptions, who presume to reject all the statements attributed to Jesus as if they must be treated as entirely fictional, and this is at least as extreme and unwarranted a position as those who working from traditional doctrinal loyalties would insist upon their absolute accuracy. To insist that they absolutely have no more claim to accurately depicting many of his expressions and ideas than works most likely written at least a century later, or known to have been composed six centuries later is a position that is absurd. 

I repeat, the organization I have been maintaining is simply the standard format for pages on people, the improvisations you have been insisting on are exceptional violations of it. If there is any doubt of this it should probably be taken to the Village Pump. ~ [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 05:44, 24 April 2007 (UTC)

== Why King James? ==
Why are all the quotes on Wikipedia &quot;English&quot; provided in an outdated version of the English language?
:It could be that it is the most well-known and respected version (but not the most accurate) of the Bible in English. [[User:Steve Dufour|Steve Dufour]] 04:02, 3 December 2007 (UTC)
::It is also the most quoted version in English. [[User:Steve Dufour|Steve Dufour]] 03:33, 9 December 2007 (UTC)
Nevertheless it is still the least relevant.

== Where are the quotes? ==

I know that some of the quotes are being disputed, and that many are being tampered with (ergo the current situation of adding or modifying them being unavailable presently) but I was wondering on where all the quotes are?  Even if they are disputed, should they still be up but with disclaimers on them?  Just curious.
==Jehovah's Witness quote==
This is a quote from You-tube video cartoon. I don't think it is notable, or fair as the only representative of Jehovah's Witness's opinion of Jesus. [[User:Steve Dufour|Steve Dufour]] 02:58, 3 December 2007 (UTC)
:The quote about Jesus is from Jehovah's Witness's material explaining the nature of Jesus. It is not a &quot;quote from You-tube video cartoon&quot;, but rather JW material available for verification that happens to be entered on youtube. JW's are a well-known American religion with many members, and their views on Jesus are relevant, significant, and approriate. [[User:Écrasez l&amp;#39;infâme|Écrasez l&amp;#39;infâme]] 22:38, 28 December 2007 (UTC)
Personally, I don't even think it's ''about'' Jesus. The JW's idea of what he will do sometime in the future is not a quote about Jesus -- it does not tell us anything about his nature, or the JW's opinion of him. To use an analogy: &quot;Al Gore is a fine person and a great American&quot; is a quote about Gore. &quot;Al Gore will run for president again in 2012&quot; is a prediction. It doesn't shed any light on Gore per se, just my own ideas about him. --[[User:Ubiquity|Ubiquity]] 18:21, 29 December 2007 (UTC)

==Jefferson's book==
I think it is very cool that Thomas Jefferson wrote a book about Jesus taking out the miracles and other supernatural stuff.  However there seems to be a bit too much long passages from it here in this article.  How about a couple of short quotes by Jefferson and a link to the book? [[User:Steve Dufour|Steve Dufour]] 03:51, 3 December 2007 (UTC)
==Homer Simpson quote==
I removed this quote and then it was put right back:
:[about Jesus wearing sandals] Well, maybe if he had had better arch support, they wouldn't have caught him!
::Homer Simpson
My problem with it is that Mr. Simpson did not really say it. It was written by a screenwriter and said by an actor while an animated picture of Mr. Simpson was being shown.  Besides that, there are many, many jokes about Jesus.  Are we going to include all of them? [[User:Steve Dufour|Steve Dufour]] 13:34, 3 December 2007 (UTC)
: I can agree this quote is rather minor and irrelevant, and probably should be removed, but I rolled backed your edits earlier because there was material that I believe does belong here, and didn't have time to sort through all of it. I also agree that the amount of the Jefferson, Paine and Islamic material that has been added here sems somewhat excessive, but most of it has sufficient relevance that I wouldn't actually remove it.  &lt;br&gt; I didn't have much time to comment earlier, and don't have much right now, because I've been in the middle of a very busy several days, and simply have not had sufficient time at my computer to address some of the concerns that are arising here. I will remove the rather irrelevant Homer Simpson remark now.  ~ [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 13:46, 3 December 2007 (UTC)
::Thanks. [[User:Steve Dufour|Steve Dufour]] 13:57, 3 December 2007 (UTC)
: I just noticed you removed the quote after I, somehow, had not. I had thought I did, and was surprised to find I hadn't. All I can think of is that I either previewed without saving changes, or became totally distracted by something else and forgot to make the removal. I have been juggling many activities lately and either thing might have occurred. ~ [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 06:51, 4 December 2007 (UTC)
::No problem. I figured something like that happened. Happens with me all the time. :-) [[User:Steve Dufour|Steve Dufour]] 02:58, 5 December 2007 (UTC)

==Statement by fictional character==
I also removed this one:
* Tomorrow we goes into battle, so Lordy, let me fight with the rifle in one hand, and the Good Book in the other. So that if I may die at the muzzle of the rifle... die on water, or on land, I may know that you blessed Jesus almighty are with me... and I have no fear. 
** Jupiter Sharts (in the movie [[Glory (film)|Glory]]; from: [http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0097441/quotes])

Not only is this by a fictional character, it also does not seem, to me anyway, to be saying anything about Jesus. [[User:Steve Dufour|Steve Dufour]] 15:34, 5 December 2007 (UTC)

==Anti-Semitic section?==

===Fathers of the Early Church===

* [T]he Jewish people were driven by their drunkenness and plumpness to the ultimate evil; they kicked about, they failed to accept the yoke of Christ, nor did they pull the plow of his teaching. Another prophet hinted at this when he said: &quot;Israel is as obstinate as a stubborn heifer.&quot; … Although such beasts are unfit for work, they are fit for killing.
** [[w:Saint John Chrysostom|Saint John Chrysostom]] (349–ca. 407), ''[http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/source/chrysostom-jews6.html Eight Homilies Against the Jews]'', Homily 1

* Before they committed the crime of crimes, before they killed their Master, before the cross, before the slaying of Christ, [Jewish sacrifices were] an abomination.
** [[w:Saint John Chrysostom|Saint John Chrysostom]] (349–ca. 407), ''[http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/source/chrysostom-jews6.html Eight Homilies Against the Jews]'', Homily 1

* You [Jews] did slay Christ, you did lift violent hands against the Master, you did spill his precious blood. This is why you have no chance for atonement, excuse, or defense.
** [[w:Saint John Chrysostom|Saint John Chrysostom]] (349–ca. 407), ''[http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/source/chrysostom-jews6.html Eight Homilies Against the Jews]'', Homily 6

* [T]he Jews are enduring their present troubles because of Christ.
** [[w:Saint John Chrysostom|Saint John Chrysostom]] (349–ca. 407), ''[http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/source/chrysostom-jews6.html Eight Homilies Against the Jews]'', Homily 6

I have several problems with this section being included on this page.  (On the other hand, if there is a page for anti-Semitic quotes it should be included there.)  For one thing it is not about the &quot;fathers of the early church&quot;, only one person is quoted.  For another, the quotes are not about Jesus himself, but are tirades against the Jews.  Besides that, they do not express the opinions of Jesus himself. I am fairly confident that he did not think that Jewish sacrifices were abominations or that Jews had no chance of attonement. [[User:Steve Dufour|Steve Dufour]] 16:06, 5 December 2007 (UTC)
:These quotes clearly illustrate historically consistent Christian views of Jews and Judaism back to the first centuries of Christianity. They are specifically about Jesus because of the charge that the Jews killed Jesus and because they say that the Jews suffer because of Christ. Whether or not you have problems with them is irrelevant. Other quotes from the Early Church fathers about Jesus can and should be added to this section. [[User:Écrasez l&amp;#39;infâme|Écrasez l&amp;#39;infâme]] 17:11, 12 December 2007 (UTC)
:: Frankly, I agree with Steve Dufour on this one, for most of these quotes have little or nothing to say about Jesus directly and seem to be merely &quot;rubbing the nose&quot; of some of the more moderate Christians into some of the fouler pronouncements of some of the early and influential Christians. I am not saying they should not be quoted, merely that they don't belong here. ~ [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 17:18, 12 December 2007 (UTC)
:::The slur of &quot;[http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&amp;q=%22christ+killer%22&amp;btnG=Google+Search Christ killer]&quot; against the Jews is highly relevent in a list of quotations about Jesus.  These quotes from the early Church leaders involve Christ directly, saying that He is the cause of the troubles of the Jews, and that the Jews killed Christ. Your charge that this is &quot;rubbing the nose&quot; of moderate Christians is irrelevant and incorrect.  &quot;Rubbing those nose&quot; would include similar quotes from Hitler and other Nazis, though these too would be highly appropriate in such a list of quotations about Jesus, even if they are separated by two millenia. [[User:Écrasez l&amp;#39;infâme|Écrasez l&amp;#39;infâme]] 17:14, 13 December 2007 (UTC)
:: These quotes plainly are the opinions of one influential early Christian about Jews, and the incidental mention of Christ does not make them ''about'' Jesus. They ''are'' quotes that voice certain assumptions and doctrines about his mission, and certainly can be properly posted on the page for  [[John Chrysostom]], and on a theme page for quotes about [[Jews]] or perhaps on a new one for historical &quot;Anti-Semitism&quot; but they are not actually themselves quotes ''about'' Jesus, and I cannot accept the idea that they belong here, and the insistence that they do strikes me as more than a bit over-zealous. ~ [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 18:45, 13 December 2007 (UTC)
::: It's overzealous to remove quotes from one of the very first sainted Christians about Christ killers from a list of quotations about Christ. These are in fact highly relevant and belong here. [[User:Écrasez l&amp;#39;infâme|Écrasez l&amp;#39;infâme]] 17:02, 14 December 2007 (UTC)
:: '''The quotes are about ''[[Jews]]'', whom Chrysostom ''calls'' &quot;Christ-killers&quot; — and such incidental comments do not make them relevant to a page on [[Jesus]].''' If someone prominent and notable says of someone &quot;Jesus Fucking Christ! What an asshole!&quot; that may arguably be quoted, perhaps as part of a significant remark, and dispassionately looked upon as an indication of a person's inclination to use a generally revered person's name as  part of an epithet, but it is no way a significant remark ''about'' Jesus himself, and wouldn't belong here. Nor do these. They ''incidentally'' mention Christ and ''indicate'' a belief in doctrinal justifications for personal or societal antipathies and hostilities to Jews. 
::I believe that there are also other rather strained associations on the page, but I haven't had time to make much of an effort to clean this up lately, and I know that this is one of the pages where interminable arguments are likely to arise.
:: I will make brief indication of my personal perspectives on a few matters here. '''No matter how wise and simple or complicated and extensive a creed or doctrine may be, I personally have great antipathy to most efforts to proclaim any particular doctrine that can be enunciated by anyone as a supreme or infallible expression of wisdom, but I also have a great antipathy to attempts to denigrate or deride anyone of any creed by false or strained associations with some of the worst nominal adherents of various creeds, or some of the worst of the particular opinions of other people.''' &lt;br&gt;  Almost every person on earth, no matter what their belief or disbelief on any matter, is capable of respecting truth and I am vigorously opposed to all efforts to spread such distortions, lies, hatreds, and hostilities as foster false assumptions and lead people to treat anyone as if they deserved little more than contempt, insults, and persecution. Such behavior does not come solely from those zealots, fanatics and bigots who would call themselves &quot;religious&quot; in their motivations, but also from those who are most ''anti''-religious&quot; in their aims (which often actually includes the very same people of course, as innumerable &quot;religious&quot; affiliations have opposed one another vehemently, and the most fiercely &quot;anti-religious&quot; are sometimes quite &quot;religious&quot; in their zeal and even in their cohesion with others).  &lt;br&gt; As you seem insistent that I am the one being overzealous here, in agreeing with another editor that they don't belong here, I will mention the matter at the Village Pump and we can get some indication of community consensus on the matter. Even should it plainly come out on the side of their removal, my own aversion to making rules or relying on them would lead me to oppose any absolute codification that might be attempted, beyond the level of a guideline, as I am familiar with attempts to make very &quot;strained disassociations&quot; as well, where comments on people's remarks and disputes about their opinions have been argued as not &quot;about them&quot; and I doubt one could easily make an absolute and infallible rule the matter. On such matters, on a case-by-case basis, I am content to rely on community consensus. ~ [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 18:35, 14 December 2007 (UTC)

* [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] has asked elsewhere for additional opinions here, so I will add mine.  The statements at the head of this section are BY [[w:Saint John Chrysostom|Saint John Chrysostom]] and are ABOUT Jews. I do not think they belong on a page about Jesus. If someone tried to put &quot;Lee Harvey Oswald was an evil man for killing Kennedy&quot;, attributed to some sixties politician, on the JFK page, I would say it doesn't belong there. Now, if someone has some quotes BY Jesus about the Jews, or ABOUT Jesus's attitude to the Jews (rather than their attitude toward him), I would agree those belong on the Jesus page. But the quotes listed above are clearly not that. --[[User:Ubiquity|Ubiquity]] 19:34, 14 December 2007 (UTC)

* Let's please leave out the inflammatory accusations of anti-Semitism. The fact is that Wikiquote theme articles, in order to avoid these kinds of argumentative inclusion guidelines, typically require each quote to be specifically about the subject, not about tangential subjects, however influential. In fact, any quotes that don't specifically mention or include as their ''primary'' subject the article title should be considered for removal. By this standard, any discussion of the attitudes of early Christians about Jews and Judaism simply does not merit inclusion here. Wikiquote is not a place to compose essays-by-quotation. It is simply a place to collect original, pithy, well-sourced quotes specifically about the subjects named. If we want quotes on anti-Semitism, they should be located at [[Anti-Semitism]]. ~ [[User:Jeffq|Jeff Q]]&amp;nbsp;[[User talk:Jeffq|(talk)]] 19:45, 14 December 2007 (UTC)

:::: [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] said, &quot;They ''incidentally'' mention Christ and ''indicate'' a belief in doctrinal justifications for personal or societal antipathies and hostilities to Jews.&quot;
::: A simple reading of just one of quotes show that this is not true: &quot;'''the Jews are enduring their present troubles because of Christ.'''&quot; This quote saying that Jesus is the cause of the problems of the Jews in the centuries since the Crucifixion mentions Jesus '''directly''' as the cause of the Jews' problems, and coming as it does from a [[w:Portal:Saints|Sainted]] [[w:Archbishop|Archbishop]], one of the only [[w:Three Holy Hierarchs|Three Holy Hierarchs]], and a [[w:Doctor of the Church|Doctor of the Church]], it speaks with much more authority than we do on this important matter. This is not simply about anti-Semitism, it's about the highly influential early Christian direct (''not'' &quot;tangential&quot;) link between Jesus and anti-Semitism. As such, these quotes do belong here, controversial or not.[[User:Écrasez l&amp;#39;infâme|Écrasez l&amp;#39;infâme]] 20:18, 14 December 2007 (UTC)

:::::I think the quotes a very valuable to show how far and how fast Christianity fell away from the teachings of Jesus, however they are not ''about'' Jesus. How about starting a new page? [[User:Steve Dufour|Steve Dufour]] 03:12, 15 December 2007 (UTC)

:::: Exactly. &quot;The '''Jews''' are enduring their present troubles...&quot;  '''Jews''' is the subject of the sentence. The quote is '''primarily''' about Jews, not about Jesus. It's not a question of antisemitism, it's a question of appropriateness. In fact, after taking a look at the &quot;Quotes about Jesus&quot; section, I notice that many of them are not about Jesus. Rather, they are quotes that ''mention'' Jesus (at least one of them doesn't even do that). When I read a section that is called &quot;About X&quot;, I expect the quotes there to show how other people regarded X -- not how X regarded others, and certainly not hearsay about how people other than the author of the quote felt about X (that is, the sentence &quot;I think that Y does not like X&quot; is not about X, it's about Y). I would like to see the entire &quot;About&quot; section trimmed back to include only appropriate quotes. --[[User:Ubiquity|Ubiquity]] 20:51, 14 December 2007 (UTC)
:: A very obtuse and simplistic reading of that quote could lead to its interpretation as being ''about'' Jesus, and is one that might very tenuously be retained if consensus dictates it should be, but anyone with any knowledge of the history of Christian doctrines and churches would realize the statement refers to the ''supposed'' guilt of the Jews, ''as a people'' for the death of Jesus; which is again an issue of the doctrines and dogmas of particular churches on sin, redemption and the role of [[Jews]], not a statement specifically about the person known as [[Jesus]]. ~ [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 21:02, 14 December 2007 (UTC)

:::: ''[edit conflict]'' The &quot;Jews are enduring&quot; quote is not about Jesus, who was long gone in any physical form by then. It's about unprovable blame between religious sects. It's about the early Christians use of Christ as a means to blame members of another faith for their problems, much as some modern Christian extremists try to blame AIDS and hurricanes on supposed faithlessness and immorality. (And this is by no means exclusive to Christians and Jews.) These are interpretations of the faith surrounding the subject, not about the subject itself. Rather than argue the merits of such a thesis (impossible to resolve, given the total lack of physical, cause-and-effect evidence, only contradictory written and spoken testimony), we avoid the whole problem by requiring that quotes be '''specifically and primarily''' about the subject.

:::: Frankly, I can't help but think of ''[[Monty Python's Life of Brian]]'', and all the words Brian's unwelcome followers put into his mouth. We should keep the distinction between the person and the opposing creeds and their wildly contradicting interpretations of that person's recorded words.

:::: We're even on shaky (but unavoidable) ground quoting the Bible itself for Jesus's own words. What we have is probably what some unidentified authors writing in the names of the Disciples, well after their time, wrote as ''their'' claims of what Jesus said — or at least those books which survived multiple screenings from several generations of changing thought within the nascent Christian Church. There was no independent press core to record speeches, no Gutenberg press to meticulously copy and distribute them for posterity, and as we still suffer from [[w:Chinese whispers|telephone-game]] mangling of information even in this instant, worldwide-distribution age, it's beyond credulity to assume no transcription errors occurred. Folk singer Nick Annis once made this point about the Bible: &quot;From Hebrew it's translated into Arabic, from Arabic to Latin, from Latin to Greek, from Greek to Russian, from Russian to German, from German to an old form of English that you could not read.  Through 400 years of evolution of the English language to the book we have today, which is: a translation of a translation of a translation of a translation of a translation of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of an oral history passed down through 40 generations.&quot; The path for the New Testament maybe only half that, but the point is still valid — virtually nothing we use can be guaranteed to be &quot;accurate&quot;, except for its own period and culture.

:::: Sorry for the digression. Returning to my main point: let's keep this article focused very tightly on the subject, not the future social implications and inferences of organizations created around that subject. ~ [[User:Jeffq|Jeff Q]]&amp;nbsp;[[User talk:Jeffq|(talk)]] 21:23, 14 December 2007 (UTC)

I am 100% in favor of removing quotes not about Jesus himself from the page.  I think this page is the most important one on WQ, considering Jesus' importance to the culture of the English speaking world -- whatever you think or believe about him. [[User:Steve Dufour|Steve Dufour]] 03:09, 15 December 2007 (UTC)

: Here is [[w:Saint John Chrysostom|Saint John Chrysostom]]'s quote in full:
** [T]he Jewish people were driven by their drunkenness and plumpness to the ultimate evil; they kicked about, they failed to accept the yoke of Christ, nor did they pull the plow of his teaching. Another prophet hinted at this when he said: &quot;Israel is as obstinate as a stubborn heifer.&quot; … Although such beasts are unfit for work, they are fit for killing. And this is what happened to the Jews: while they were making themselves unfit for work, they grew fit for slaughter. This is why Christ said: &quot;But as for these my enemies, who did not want me to be king over them, bring them here and slay them.&quot; ([[w:Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [[s:Bible, King James, Luke#Chapter 19|19:27]])
*** [[w:Saint John Chrysostom|Saint John Chrysostom]] (349–ca. 407), ''[http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/source/chrysostom-jews6.html Eight Homilies Against the Jews]'', Homily 1
: It invokes Jesus twice: the first time to say that the Jews refuse the &quot;yoke of Christ&quot;, then a second time to explain that slaughtering the Jews as a consequence is precisely what Jesus meant in [[w:Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [[s:Bible, King James, Luke#Chapter 19|19:27]]. This quote, made by a highly influential leader of the early Church, a [[w:Portal:Saints|Sainted]] [[w:Archbishop|Archbishop]] of Constantinople, one of the only [[w:Three Holy Hierarchs|Three Holy Hierarchs]], and a [[w:Doctor of the Church|Doctor of the Church]], is directly about Jesus and belongs on the page of quotes about Jesus, no matter how controversial or how uncomfortable it may make some editors. [[User:Écrasez l&amp;#39;infâme|Écrasez l&amp;#39;infâme]] 20:14, 16 December 2007 (UTC)
:: A quote that merely mentions X is not necessarily about X. You claim that the quote listed above &quot;invokes&quot; Jesus twice, but I think you mean it &quot;mentions&quot; Jesus (I do not see this quote as actually &quot;calling on&quot; or &quot;appealing to&quot; Jesus). Let us boil this quote down to its essentials: &quot;The Jewish people refused to accept the yoke of Christ.&quot; Here is a sentence with an almost identical structure: &quot;The Jewish people refused to accept pork in their diet.&quot; Do you believe that this sentence is about pork? Obviously, the most correct place for these quotes would be on a page about Saint John Chrysostom, or the sayings of the early church. Possibly, they could be placed on a page about Jews (if suitably balanced by other quotes to insure NPOV). But they do not belong on a page about Jesus, as it is neither his opinion, or someone else's opinion about him. --[[User:Ubiquity|Ubiquity]] 22:21, 16 December 2007 (UTC)
These are among the most '''historically significant and influential words ever written about Jesus'''. [[w:Saint John Chrysostom|Saint John Chrysostom]]'s quote, obviously '''about Jesus''', quotes Him directly, i.e., does not merely &quot;mention&quot; Him, to provide a theological justification for the treatment of the Jews that has been used thoughout Christianity's entire history, running through the 4th Lateran Council, to Luther and beyond. Even Hitler stressed this long history in his defense of the final solution. As this quote about Jesus illustrates, the person of Jesus Christ and His own words were used repeatedly by Christians to justify a policy of slaughtering Jews. This is historically significant and cannot be ignored or whitewashed by laughable claims that [[w:Saint John Chrysostom|Chrysostom]]'s quote about Jesus merely &quot;mentions&quot; or &quot;invokes&quot; (meaning cite as an appeal to authority) Jesus. [[w:Saint John Chrysostom|Chrysostom]]'s highly influential quote about Jesus was used on numerous occasions to slaughter Jews for the theological reasons [[w:Saint John Chrysostom|Chrysostom]] gave: the Jews rejected and killed Christ, and Jesus [[s:Bible, King James, Luke#Chapter 19|implies]] to kill anyone who does not want Him to be king over them.  These are [[w:Saint John Chrysostom|Chrysostom]] words '''about Jesus''', not mine. This is an important and significant quote about Jesus and belongs in a list of quotations about Jesus, regardless of their controversial nature. [[User:Écrasez l&amp;#39;infâme|Écrasez l&amp;#39;infâme]] 11:52, 17 December 2007 (UTC)

In support of my statement that Chrysostom's quote about Jesus condoning the killing of the Jews is &quot;among the most '''historically significant and influential words ever written about Jesus'''&quot;:
* [A]lthough the tradition of Chrysostom continued to cause unbridled vituperation for Jews and Judaism, climaxing in the violence of 1096 and beyond, the modulating Augustinian position became, more or less, the &quot;official&quot; policy of the papacy … [G]overnmental coercion became the instrument though which the Church made its scornful commentary on Judaism. '''Here is the decisive turn in the history of Christian anti-Judaism, a turn whose ultimate disfiguring consequence was enacted in the ''political'' antisemitism of Adolf Hitler.'''
** Steven T. Katz, Ideology, State Power, and Mass Murder/Genocide, in ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=WEUZNRmi0i4C&amp;pg=PA52&amp;dq=hitler+chrysostom+christian+jewish+policy&amp;sig=zzCuQuNS8V1B90ugUh3115uL8Xs   Lessons and Legacies: The Meaning of the Holocaust in a Changing World]'' (Northwestern University Press, 1999)
Here's another:
* The diatribes of St Chrysostom against the Jews were rivalled only by Hitler.
** Hyam Maccoby, ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=h6Wo5CIgk84C&amp;pg=PA18&amp;dq=hitler+chrysostom&amp;sig=Wmh7LvgoDud89rm0moDrCciNPNQ Antisemitism And Modernity: Innovation And Continuity]'' (Routledge 2006)
The direct intellectual lineage from Chrysostom to Hitler is standard, well-documented history in Christian antisemitism.  The poorly justified and poorly argued attempts to purge a page of quotations about Jesus of this history are whitewashing, pure and simple. [[User:Écrasez l&amp;#39;infâme|Écrasez l&amp;#39;infâme]] 21:42, 17 December 2007 (UTC)

==Quotes not about Jesus==
I removed all these, just a few of the many on the page not about Jesus himself, only to see them put right back:
:I'm hoping that [the defrauded faithful will] see that it's not necessary to look to some person to jerk you off to get off and put your belief in.
:MarJoe Gortner, one-time child evangelist who exposed the fraudulence of fundamentalist Christian sermons in America in the 1972 academy-award winning documentary MarJoe. He estimates that he raised $3 million (1960s) dollars in donations.
:Would you get out your checkbook tonight? … Bring what you would for JESUS tonight.
:MarJoe Gortner, one-time child evangelist who exposed the fraudulence of fundamentalist Christian sermons in America in the 1972 academy-award winning documentary MarJoe. He estimates that he raised $3 million (1960s) dollars in donations.
:[To an elderly women requesting a blessing.] Do you believe that the Lord's going to do it tonight? Do you believe that he's going to touch this condition? Say Yes Lord. Say THANK YOU JESUS! In the name of Jesus! In the name of JESUS! [Woman collapses in euphoria.] Thank you Jesus. Hallelujah!
:MarJoe Gortner, one-time child evangelist who exposed the fraudulence of fundamentalist Christian sermons in America in the 1972 academy-award winning documentary MarJoe. He estimates that he raised $3 million (1960s) dollars in donations.
::These are not about Jesus. He is only mentioned in passing.  I agree that there is a lot of dishonesty in religion, however this page is not about that.  It would be better to do something else with these quotes.
:When [Jesus] executes judgment over the world at Armageddon, he will destroy all but the faithful Jehovah's witnesses. [Jesus is then shown hurling fireballs that destroy New York City, breaking dams, causing fires, and murdering many people, including children]. Jesus, alias Michael, will always remain invisible to those on earth, and can be seen only by the 144,000 select Jehovah's witnesses who rule with Him from heaven.
:From a Jehovah's Witness's cartoon explaining Jesus.
::This one is mainly about Christ at his second coming, so not really about Jesus the historical person. Besides that it is of so low quality being one person's impression of something he or she saw on You-Tube.  I also think it is unfair to the JW's to use it as the only quote explaining their view of Jesus. Why not find something else that expresses the same idea?
:Every person is Christ for me, and since there is only one Jesus, that person is the one person in the world at that moment.
:Mother Teresa (1910-97)
::This is a nice quote. However it is about Mother Teresa herself and her feelings, not about Jesus.
:If I thought that the Jews killed God, I'd worship the Jews.
:Bill Hicks
::This seems to be saying that Mr. Hicks doesn't like God.  He has a perfect right to that opinion, however Jesus is not mentioned in the quote directly, just indirectly by referencing traditional Christian beliefs that he is God and the Jews killed him. So the quote is about God, or it is about Christian beliefs -- not about Jesus himself.[[User:Steve Dufour|Steve Dufour]] 20:58, 29 December 2007 (UTC)
:A lotta Christians wear crosses 'round their necks; do you think if Jesus comes back he ever wants to see another cross?
:Bill Hicks
::This is about the practice of wearing crosses. I happen to agree with Mr. Hicks here. However, it is not about Jesus since he said nothing about this and I don't think ever imagined that anyone would do such a thing, which in general would be against Jesus' own Jewish religion which prohibits idols.
::Thanks for your consideration on these. [[User:Steve Dufour|Steve Dufour]] 20:58, 29 December 2007 (UTC)

:I see that these quotes have been put back.  By that standard anything said about Christians or Christianity could be included as a quote about Jesus. Why not a quote about the chicken dinner served at church last Sunday after the service?  Would that be a quote about Jesus? [[User:Steve Dufour|Steve Dufour]] 01:52, 31 December 2007 (UTC)

== Proposed Edit ==

The first paragraph is as follows:
Jesus of Nazareth, also known as Jesus Christ, Yeshua, and Isa (8–2 BC/BCE to 29–36 AD/CE), is the central figure of Christianity, a philosopher, teacher, and martyr, believed to be the Messiah of ultimate salvation by followers of Christian traditions.

I would like to propose that it be rewritten as follows:
Jesus of Nazareth, also known as Jesus Christ, Yeshua, and Isa (8–2 BC/BCE to 29–36 AD/CE), is the central figure of Christianity, a philosopher, teacher, and martyr, believed to be the Messiah of ultimate salvation and the Son of God by the followers of traditional Christianity.

I suggest this on the basis that Jesus' traditional role as the Son of God isn't mentioned, suggesting a highly liberal stance.
&lt;small&gt;—The preceding [[Wikiquote:Sign your posts on talk pages|unsigned]] comment was added by [[User:70.188.37.184|70.188.37.184]] ([[User talk:70.188.37.184|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/70.188.37.184|contribs]]) 21:50, 20 March 2008  (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;&lt;!-- [Template:Unsigned2] --&gt;
:Hi, thank you for bringing up.  I support this addition, agreeing that the Son of God is also one of his traditional role in traditional Christianity, which is mentioned in the universal creed ([[w:Nicene Creed]]) as well as the role as Redeemer/Savior.   --[[User:Aphaia|Aphaia]] 06:57, 24 March 2008 (UTC)
:: I've no objection to the term &quot;Son of God&quot; being added to the intro description, and just added it, but I would retain the wording &quot;by followers of Christian traditions&quot; rather than the more absolutely exclusionist implications of &quot;by the followers of traditional Christianity&quot; — as their ''are'' other Christian traditions than those of the most prominent branches which don't use such terms as a unique designation for Jesus alone, any more than Jesus did. As is indicated many times in the New Testament, he referred to others as sons of God, and children of God, as in &quot;Blessed are the peacemakers; for they shall be called the children of God&quot;, &quot;whosoever shall do the will of my Father which is in heaven, the same is my brother, and sister, and mother&quot; and &quot;Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.&quot; The term &quot;son of God&quot; was also used even prior to the time of Jesus in referring to especially favored Jewish leaders, without any extraordinary lineage of direct descent implied, and he himself never referred to  himself as &quot;the only begotten son of God&quot; though the term was later applied quite prominently to his personal self by others, and such assertions did become part of the doctrines of the vast majority of Churches. ~ [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 10:33, 24 March 2008 (UTC)

== Move Jesus from people to literary works ==

There is no proof that there ever was such person as Jesus of Nazareth, so these quotes are from various versions of bible. Thus they belong to the section of literary works.
: {{unsigned|82.181.156.50}}  

:The overwhelming majority of experts agree that there is no doubt that Jesus was an historical person. Wikipedia has articles about [[w:Jesus|Jesus]] and [[w:Jesus myth hypothesis|Jesus myth hypothesis]]. Those who feel unsure (or want to introduce eccentric theories) are encouraged to turn to these articles. --[[User:Jonund|Jonund]] 21:01, 7 April 2008 (UTC)

::And even if Jesus is a fictional character, the sayings attributed to him have had, and have, a monumental cultural importance in the Western world. [[User:Steve Dufour|Steve Dufour]] 01:31, 18 April 2008 (UTC)

== Why Why why ==

Is Jesus here as philosopher. All those things are asumed to be writen by Luke and folks. And of that it doesn't seem to be sure if there was actualy just 2 sources for those too. Allready that should give the &quot;philosopher&quot; title to them if worth it. Which they aren't.
How about to quotes about jesus all this stuff that are in &quot;Jesus the Philosopher&quot;.
Just ridiculous.
Lets make Raskolnikov a philosopher shall we. Well now im insulting truely good stuff dragging it to this level.

==Quotes about Jesus vs. Quotes about Christianity==
There are a lot of quotes which are really about the beliefs of Christianity or about the actions and  character of Christian people hundreds of years after the life of Jesus himself. It would be better if these were put on a page for quotes about Christianity.  Would you put a quote about the Iraq War on the page for George Washington? [[User:Steve Dufour|Steve Dufour]] 17:02, 4 February 2009 (UTC)

== Do all the quotes about Jesus have to be against Jesus ==

I noticed how biased all the quotes about Jesus are &amp;ndash; most coming from self-described anti-theists. Quotes from anti-religion atheists outnumber quotes from theists by a large ratio. Moreover, quotes from neutral figures are purposely selected, with a great majority have negative saying about Jesus. I mean, whoever deed this went over the top. Neutrality is one of our key objectives. --[[Special:Contributions/96.232.60.222|96.232.60.222]] 23:41, 28 March 2009 (UTC)
:Welcome to Wikipedia…
::[[User:Azuizo|Azuizo]] 18:59, 2 July 2011 (UTC)

Exactly! Why are there 7 (Count them, SEVEN) quotes from, of all people, Bertrand Russell, about Jesus, when there is only one from C.S. Lewis?! It makes no sense at all! I know this isn't meant to be a fan page, but I think it is a bit excessive and very biased.
: Seems to me there's also a substantial number of quotes on this page literally deifying the man. In any case, if you know other quotable quotes by C. S. Lewis that belong here, please provide them. ~ [[User:Robin Lionheart|Robin Lionheart]] ([[User talk:Robin Lionheart|talk]]) 00:54, 8 December 2013 (UTC)

== Quotes of Jesus in Hadith ==
I'm no Muslim, but I came across these quotes from various Hadiths(?) and was curious if someone thinks enough of them to add them into the article. (Particularly the one marked A.61, M. 62)[http://www.thenazareneway.com/christ_in_islam/ascetic_sayings_of_jesus.htm The Ascetic Sayings of Jesus] [[Special:Contributions/98.71.143.115|98.71.143.115]] 01:47, 18 April 2009 (UTC)


Some more Haidths which should be added in the article are:

Sahih Bukhari: Volume 3, Book 34, Number 425: 
Narrated Abu Huraira: 

Allah's Apostle said, &quot;By Him in Whose Hands my soul is, son of Mary (Jesus) will shortly descend amongst you people (Muslims) as a just ruler and will break the Cross and kill the pig and abolish the Jizya (a tax taken from the non-Muslims, who are in the protection, of the Muslim government). Then there will be abundance of money and no-body will accept charitable gifts. 


Sahih Bukhari: Volume 4, Book 55, Number 644: 
Narrated 'Ubada: 

The Prophet said, &quot;If anyone testifies that None has the right to be worshipped but Allah Alone Who has no partners, and that Muhammad is His Slave and His Apostle, and that Jesus is Allah's Slave and His Apostle and His Word which He bestowed on Mary and a Spirit created by Him, and that Paradise is true, and Hell is true, Allah will admit him into Paradise with the deeds which he had done even if those deeds were few.&quot; (Junada, the sub-narrator said, &quot; 'Ubada added, 'Such a person can enter Paradise through any of its eight gates he likes.&quot;) 


Sahih Bukhari: Volume 4, Book 55, Number 651: 
Narrated Abu Huraira: 

I heard Allah's Apostle saying, &quot;I am the nearest of all the people to the son of Mary, and all the prophets are paternal brothers, and there has been no prophet between me and him (i.e. Jesus).&quot; 

Sahih Bukhari: Volume 4, Book 55, Number 658: 
Narrated Abu Huraira: 

Allah's Apostle said &quot;How will you be when the son of Mary (i.e. Jesus) descends amongst you and he will judge people by the Law of the Quran and not by the law of Gospel (Fateh-ul Bari page 304 and 305 Vol 7) 


Sahih Bukhari: Volume 4, Book 55, Number 653: 
Narrated Abu Huraira: 

The Prophet said, &quot;Jesus, seeing a man stealing, asked him, 'Did you steal?, He said, 'No, by Allah, except Whom there is None who has the right to be worshipped' Jesus said, 'I believe in Allah and suspect my eyes.&quot; 

Sahih Bukhari: Volume 4, Book 55, Number 654: 
Narrated 'Umar: 

I heard the Prophet saying, &quot;Do not exaggerate in praising me as the Christians praised the son of Mary, for I am only a Slave. So, call me the Slave of Allah and His Apostle.&quot;

== The Jehovah's Witnesses cartoon ==

I was going to delete this but the page is locked.

There's a particular section describing a cartoon allegedly produced by the Jehovah's Witnesses that shows Jesus blowing up a lot of stuff.

The link given to the cartoon is to YouTube. The YouTube video does not purport to be a cartoon produced by the Jehovah's Witnesses, but rather by someone who is claiming that this is what the JWs believe. Either way, there's no proof that this is a real JW cartoon and there is no legitimate sourcing here. For these reasons it should be deleted. [[Special:Contributions/137.99.32.125|137.99.32.125]] 19:52, 2 November 2009 (UTC)
: I have trimmed out some comments inserted into the quote, and the erroneous comments about it. That many people don't seem to clearly discern this to be a rather bitter satirization of the theology of Jehovah's Witness rather than a promotion of them is itself rather alarming, but I have not removed the quote or link, though better sourcing of the actual title of this cartoon and its publication date and authors is certainly desirable. ~ [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 20:31, 2 November 2009 (UTC)


== Christopher Hitchens quote  ==
That Christopher Hitchens quote seems overlong and only tangentially related to the topic.

== Deletion ==
As per the general rules about fictional characters, this article should be deleted, and select quotes should be taken from it and merged into an article about &quot;Holy Bible&quot;.  I have done numerous searches on other fictional characters, and the only one I could find was for Jean-Luc Picard, which has a &quot;proposal to be merged into star Trek: The Next Generation&quot; template at the header.  All quotes from fictional characters should be listed under the works they came from, and should not have an article titled after the character.[[User:RayvnEQ|RayvnEQ]] 16:04, 2 September 2010 (UTC)
: Even if one took the [[Christ myth theory|characterization]] seriously, this subject would fall within the [[Wikiquote:Fictional characters|Fictional characters]] guideline's exceptions. ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] 17:22, 2 September 2010 (UTC)
:: Can you prove that Jesus was fictional? '''RayvnEQ:''' '' '''No, I can't.''' '' I thought so. So before you go about sprouting nonsense from your backside, you should really learn to research about things before you dismiss them. I think you'll find that more and more atheists are beginning to believe that a man named Jesus did indeed exist who preached about God. This is because of the overwhelming evidence for His existence. Even other religions teach about Jesus - specifically Him performing miracles. That's all that needs to be said really. Have fun raging. Christianity is the biggest religion in the world for a reason and there's nothing you can do to stop that. :) God bless you. But before I go, I shall leave you with this quote: ''Of course, only a lunatic fringe has ever thought that Jesus did not exist at all.'' - Bernard McGinn --[[User:RichardDarkinsMadMan|RichardDarkinsMadMan]] 16:07, 8 February 2011 (UTC)
::: Contrary to what you may have been told, we do not actually have “overwhelming evidence for [Jesus's] existence”, nor has a man behind the myths ever been proven to exist. That the Abrahamic religions have shared myths does not establish their historicity. (They also share myths about imaginary characters like Adam and Eve.) Jesus’s existence is moot. 
::: Regardless of whether or not Jesus existed, if we are careful to not attribute words attributed to Jesus to Jesus directly, having an article for Jesus accords with Wikiquote’s [[Wikiquote:Fictional characters|fictional characters]] policy. ~ [[User:Robin Lionheart|Robin Lionheart]] ([[User talk:Robin Lionheart|talk]]) 01:08, 8 October 2013 (UTC)

== Notes re [[w:John Wenham|John W Wenham,]] (1984, 1992, 2005), [[Jesus#WenhamJW2005|&quot;Easter Enigma - are the Resurrection Accounts in Conflict?&quot;  Chapters 7 to 11.]] ==

1)  Where God has only given us some pieces of the jigsaw, we currently have no unique solution to the remainder.  That is, multiple theories are possible, provided they are all consistent with all four gospels.

2)  &quot;As the two appearances [of the Saviour] are distinct, that to Mary Magdalene must be put first (as Mark 16:9 says) and the second must be put at a sufficient interval after the women's flight from the tomb to allow for all the comings and goings recorded by John....  One must picture this [second] meeting [Matthew 28:9,10 &quot;Jesus met them&quot;] somewhere on the track between Jerusalem and Bethany....&quot;  (Wenham 2005 p95f.)

This important conclusion of Wenham that the meeting of Matthew 28:9,10 occurred on a track between Jerusalem and surrounding villages depends only on two assumptions.  First, that sufficient disciples were staying in villages outside the city for women to go there - it is almost certainly false to claim that all were lodging in the city, especially since Jerusalem city may have been packed for Passover, and Martha and her family were at Bethany.  Second, that Peter and John were in the city on the first Easter Sunday morning - John was known to the High Priest, that is, he had connections with the city, or Peter and John might have accompanied women who left a village while it was still dark.
[[User:Patrick Hamilton|Patrick Hamilton]] 22:24, 26 February 2011 (UTC)

== typo  ==

don't want to register but &quot;beautitudes&quot; ought to be &quot;beatitudes.&quot; although they are quite beautific...

== History ==
There's something strange on the history of the article, especially edits marked with &quot;Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations&quot;. It slightly disrupt the page history reading. Is it because of some page history merge? [[User:Bennylin|Benny Lin]] ([[User talk:Bennylin|talk]]) 12:18, 30 November 2012 (UTC)
:Never mind that question. I think the history got merged. [[User:Bennylin|Benny Lin]] ([[User talk:Bennylin|talk]]) 12:30, 30 November 2012 (UTC)
:: Yep, it was a history merge. The result is confusing because overlapping histories were merged in a single operation. ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] ([[User talk:Ningauble|talk]]) 17:55, 30 November 2012 (UTC)

== Two quotes at issue. ==

I disagree with the inclusion of the following two quotes on this page:

* So far as I can remember, there's not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence.
** [[w:Bertrand Russell|Bertrand Russell]], cited in {{cite video | people=[[w:Jonathan Miller|Jonathan Miller]] |title=[[w:Atheism:_A_Rough_History_of_Disbelief|A Brief History of Disbelief]] | medium=TV-Series | publisher=[[w:BBC Four|BBC Four]]| date=2004 | url=http://www.veoh.com/series/briefhistoryofdisbelief }}

*I believe in the redemptive death and resurrection of Jesus Christ.
**[[Barack Obama]] [http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2008/januaryweb-only/104-32.0.html?start=1 Q &amp; A: Barack Obama] Interview in Christianity Today [[2008-01-22]]

The Russell quote is not about &quot;Jesus&quot;, and is therefore inappropriately placed. The Obama quote is mundane, and unoriginal - see, e.g., George Angus Fulton Knight, ''Jews and Christians: Preparation for Dialogue'' (1965), p. 103: &quot;It is precisely such an event that we have '''in the redemptive death and resurrection of Jesus Christ'''&quot;, which is a much earlier use of almost exactly the same phrasing. Putting &quot;I believe&quot; in front of it does not make it an original sentiment, nor does it make it particularly quotable. It might belong on the [[Barack Obama]] page, but we don't need to gather here every instance of a world leader saying &quot;I am a believer in X religion/Y doctrine&quot;. [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 21:16, 2 October 2013 (UTC)
: I see that these have now been removed. Cheers! [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 12:49, 4 October 2013 (UTC)
:: No worries. Would have moved the Russell quote, but it already had a more appropriate listing under [[The Bible]], so I simply deleted it here. ~ [[User:Robin Lionheart|Robin Lionheart]] ([[User talk:Robin Lionheart|talk]]) 12:51, 4 October 2013 (UTC)

== Shakespearean ==
Why Is Jesus talking in Shakespearean in so many of the quotes?

== Need source that meets Wikiquote source guidelines==

* Christ is not God, not the saviour of the world, but a mere man, a sinful man, and an abominable idol. All who worship him are abominable idolaters. And Christ did not rise again from death to life nor did he ascend into heaven.
**Matthew Hammond, burned at the stake by the [[w:Bishop of Norwich|Bishop of Norwich]] on 20&amp;nbsp;May 1579, cited in {{cite video | people=[[w:Jonathan Miller|Jonathan Miller]] |title=[[w:Atheism:_A_Rough_History_of_Disbelief|A Brief History of Disbelief]] | medium=TV-Series | publisher=[[w:BBC Four|BBC Four]]| date=2004 | url=http://www.veoh.com/series/briefhistoryofdisbelief }}

== Unsourced ==
* I am absolutely convinced that no amount of wealth in the world can help humanity move forward, even in the hands of the most devoted worker. The example of great and pure individuals is the only thing that can lead us to noble thoughts and deeds. Money only appeals to selfishness and irresistably invites abuse. Can anyone imagine Moses, Jesus or Ghandi armed with the money-bags of [[Andrew Carnegie|Carnegie]]?
** [[Albert Einstein]]

* When Jesus was nailed to the cross, how was it that he could, in spite of so much pain and suffering, pray that those who nailed him should be forgiven? When an ordinary coconut is pierced through the shell, the nail enters the kernel of the nut. But in the case of the dry nut the kernel becomes separate from the shell; and when the shell is pierced, the kernel is not touched. Jesus was like the dry nut; his inner soul was separate from his physical shell. Consequently the sufferings of the body did not affect him. Though the nails were driven through and through, he could pray with calm tranquility for the good of his enemies.
** [[Ramakrishna Paramahamsa]]

* Every person is Christ for me, and since there is only one Jesus, that person is the one person in the world at that moment.
** [[Mother Teresa]] (1910–97)

*'''The honorable Elijah Muhammed teaches us that Jesus did not have blond hair and blue eyes. The honorable Elijah Muhammed teaches us that the images of Jesus that are on prison walls and churches throughout the world are not historically correct because history teaches us that Jesus was born in a region where the people had color.'''
**[[Malcolm X]], in [[Malcolm X (film)]]
:Note: [[Malcolm X]] is not the author of the film, ''[[Malcolm X (film)|Malcolm X]]''; this quote must be identified in his speeches or writings to be considered sourced. [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 18:52, 14 May 2015 (UTC)

== This Page is Full of Irrelevant and in Some Cases Deliberately Misleading Quotes ==

Many of these quotes either only passingly or tangentially reference Jesus (some not even doing that), or else are just quotes about Christianity by various historical Christian or anti-Christian figures, which would better belong on the page dedicated to Christianity. It so happens that many of these quotes seem to be very intentionally handpicked so as to convey a particular point of view. At least one of these quotes, the one from Augustine's Confessions, is both irrelevant and misleading:

* 'How hateful to me are the enemies of your Scripture! How I wish that you would slay them [the Jews] with your two-edged sword, so that there should be none to oppose your word! Gladly would I have them die to themselves and live to you!&quot;

Not only does the rest of this passage not so much as mention the Jews, but I can't even find the translation that this particular quote comes from anywhere else. The only versions that I've found read instead:

* &quot;Oh, if Thou wouldest slay them with Thy two-edged sword [i.e. the Old and New Testaments], that they be not its enemies! For thus do I love, that they should be slain unto themselves that they may live unto Thee.&quot;

I can't see any other possibility than that someone was being deliberately dishonest here. The passage also contains no direct reference to Jesus whatsoever, so there is zero reason to include it here other than to paint a very particular portrait of Christianity, which is clearly what is intended.
Many other similarly handpicked quotes, like that of Peter the Venerable, are not primarily about Jesus and don't tell us anything about what these people actually thought about Jesus himself, but do serve a pretty clear propagandistic purpose.

The Jehovah's Witnesses quote cites a long-since-deleted YouTube video that seems included solely for the purpose of whoever sourced it being able to describe the many bad deeds Jesus does in this video.

Once again, I think the POV is pretty obvious here. Even if you can defend the inclusion of some of these quotes, I would hope most people would agree that this article could use some serious cleaning up and that at least the Augustine quote ought to be removed. [[Special:Contributions/135.129.242.103|135.129.242.103]] 05:23, 24 November 2021 (UTC)

== Misattributed ==

&quot;Let he who is without sin&quot; did not appear in John until the 10th century, so I started a 'misattributed' section for it. [[User:Kwamikagami|Kwamikagami]] ([[User talk:Kwamikagami|talk]]) 05:03, 12 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>m74k5h3yd9ivyjmikbo1zuzbvl1fmw8</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153834</id>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-12T06:02:39Z</timestamp>
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        <id>71</id>
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      <comment>I will restore this text to it's previous place, but add comments on contentions about it.</comment>
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== Thoughts on this new article ==

There have been and perhaps will always be extreme disputes as to the authenticity of statements attributed to ancient figures, and even to the existence of these figures by some, with greater or lesser reasons for contrary and conflicting assessments. These sayings are generally accepted to be those that many early Christians DID believe to be authentic… and will be presented as notable and worthy of consideration in these times where dogma and bigotry has often ruled far more than clear conscience.  The format of this article will provide for a great deal of diversity, and this page can provide a great deal of discussion as to merit of various sources and ideas. —There may be contentions over the prefered translations, but let there be respect for all who sincerely respect ''the SEARCH'' for truth, and who do not presume that they and they alone have it, and that all others should automatically defer to them without argument and dispute. 

Of the words of Yeshua, as preserved in the Gospels, and especially those preserved by the ''Evangelion Thomas''(The Gospel of Thomas): 
I personally have little doubt that these are words of a singularly unique moral, spiritual, and mystical genius, and I have NO DOUBT AT ALL that they are worthy to be studied and cherished, whatever one's opinions of their origins might be, or of subsequent doctrines and interpretations of their meanings and their relative merit with the teachings of others that have been imposed upon the minds of millions in the millennia since. The same is certainly true of many great teachers like [[Moses]], [[Lao Tzu]], [[Gautama Buddha|Buddha]], [[Muhammad]] and others whose lessons are often neglected and shunned by those who have little interest in learning things that in some way do not flatter their own presumptions and personal aims in life, and the immense regard they have for their own particular egos and established cultural affinities.  

There are very few words that anyone could ever speak that reveal a more profound awareness of [[w:Eternity|Eternity]] and it's ultimate patterns and [[en:Time|time]] and it's ultimate workings, than those said long ago by a then-obscure teacher — A Rabbi who taught in the towns, on the waters, and on the hillsides around the Lake of Galilee: &quot;'''The Heavens and the Earth may pass away, but my words shall never pass away.'''&quot;

His words and those of all who have wisely followed his examples were ever those of Truth and Love, and I am one who holds that there shall never be an end or limit to the appreciation of his words, his wisdom, his honesty, and his Love. 

'''May ever greater wisdom bless everyone who seeks [[en:Wisdom|Wisdom]] wherever the seeking leads them.''' — Kalki 2003·11·11

==Suggestions and Ideas:==

Quotations added from any canonical document ideally should have precise identification of where in the document it is found. 

I confess that I am one of those who is inclined to believe that the Thomas document is an earlier record than that of the other ''Gospels'', and that is one reason I have begun with it as a base, but it is also convenient for providing a wide variety of statements in a simple order. 

I propose that as comments are added,  this Talk page be sectioned for commentaries and discussions upon any of the particular sayings, and not just the article in general. 

ie: 

 ==Comments on Sayings from ''Thomas''==

--- 
saying 11
--- 
saying 44
--- 
 ==Comments on Sayings from Mark==

== Gospel of Thomas as a base ==

I am confused by the use of the Gospel of Thomas as a base for this selection of quotes.

The reason I object is that this gospel has been largely rejected by mainstream Christianity and quite a number of Theologians and Historians, and those who give it significant credence make up a relatively small fringe-group.  
While I believe that quotations from the Gospel of Thomas have their place on this page, I submit that the emphasis given to them should better reflect their fringe status.  

I do not think my opinion as to what is an &quot;authentic quote&quot; and what is not should play a part on this page, only that the controversy be in some way reflected.  Does this seem reasonable? ---''Shotbolt 2005-04-01''

  ==Comments on Sayings from Luke==

Sorry, I'm relatively inexperienced at both Wikipedia and biblical studies (being an atheist) but I'd have thought the modernised version of 12:57 given on the page is incorrect. The KJV has, immediately after discussing hypocrisy &quot;Yea and why not even of yourself judge ye not what is right.&quot; Like I say I'm no expert, but I'd have thought this would be better understood as &quot;Why not apply moral judgement to yourself [as well as to others]&quot; rather than, as given on the page &quot;Decide for yourself what is right&quot;. Could someone a little more authorative give an opinion (please take into account the context of the passage). --- ''Faboba 2005-08-20''

--- 

I'm in agreement with those that point out the Gospel of Thomas being fringe. The Wikiquotes shouldn't be used as a soapbox for fringe groups to make themselves appear less-fringe.

---

Seconded.  Thomas is fringe; let's reflect that.

Also, the over-emphasis on his name in Aramaic is a little silly.  This material is in English, and whereas he probably was originally called Yeshua, the overwhelmingly preferred form of his name in English texts is ''Jesus'', the anglicised version of Greek Ιησους from the Canonical Gospels.  I see for example that Wikiquote currently refers e.g. to ''Joan of Arc'', not ''Jeanne d'Arc'', even though she was French.

---

:Thank you for your opinion, folks. I heartfully recommend you something which is estimated on this project:
:#Please sign at the end of your opinion with four tilda (&lt;nowiki&gt;~~~~&lt;/nowiki&gt;); it is the first wisdom for discussion here; for accountability [who said what] and documentation [when]. Opinion without signature tends to be taken usually not serious or sometimes, on a bad faith. But I assume you didn't know plainly how to sign.  
:#Consider to register yourself with your favorite name. It will make things much easier and your accountability to your opinion will grow.
:As for ''Thomas'' I object to reject them at all, because here it is not a problem if it is canonical from a view of Church. I oppose strongly to treat it as &quot;Biblical Canon&quot; but here this book should be acceptable because our policy is not religious but Neutral View of Point.
:On the other hand it is fair to make remarks briefly on ''Thomas'' .
:As for naming convention, I prefer Jeanne d'Arc to Joan of Arc ;-) but we don't make a biography nor encyclopedia, those inforamtion is worthy to consider moving to other place, like Wikipedia.
--[[User:Aphaia|Aphaia]] 20:43, 5 May 2005 (UTC)

== On issue of Thomas ==

I myself, new to Wikiquote, find it interesting that upon searching Jesus, I find a rare, and I do agree with most, fringe, opinion of Him/him. 

Let me say this, first and foremost: '''THE QUOTES OF JESUS SHOULD COME FROM THE BIBLE'''. Why? The Bible is overwhelmingly accepted by Christians. Were I to read about Buddha, I would expect a Buddhist view of him, not what a Christian or Muslim would say about Buddha (more on this later). The Bible must be the source of the majority of quotations. While this is not a theological debate, ''Jesus' words are theological in discussion, and as such must have common, unifying evidence and historical proof, such kind that only the Bible provides.''

Before I comment on the Gospel of Thomas, I would like to elaborate on what the Bible, the BASE source of quotes from Jesus, is exactly. It consists of the Old Testament and New Testament. The New Testament consists of a collection of books that Christians themselves claim as their defining book of faith, which consists, in large part, of the sayings of Jesus. Theologically speaking, Christians tend to (and in no way definitively) believe that the Bible is from God's direct intervention, such that the books in the New Testament are there for a reason, divine or otherwise. Alternatively, some Christians, and most all non-Christians, would say that the Bible is selected by the early church and therefore their BEST interpretation of Jesus.

As to the Gospel of Thomas... It is considered by some as a 'lost book' of the Bible. Is this accurate? Well, yes, but mostly no. If by definition the Bible is what God intended to place within, then no, for ''God, who by definition is infallible, would not 'lose' a book''. If it is what early church leaders viewed as their BEST interpretation, then no again, for ''they didn't lose Thomas, they discarded it'', and ultimately named their valued books the New Testament. It should be noted that Thomas is valuable and important. But it is not part of the Bible, and therefore should not be the base of any such topic on which the Bible would convey a much fuller picture in regards to words attributed to Jesus. 

In respect to the main page, I would use the Bible as the base. Such changes brought about would be, in concordance with the majority of versions of the Bible, referral to '''Jesus as Jesus''', and a much greater focus on the accepted Gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. With respect to the original author, of course, Thomas would still be included, ''yet not given over half of the entire entries and highlighted often''. Not by any personal preference, but so that it all comes from the same clear and unified source that the quotes are attributed to. 

Sorry if this lengthy opinion of mine (and that's what it is, ''my opinion'') seems too concerned with doctrine. Forgive me then, but I would hope that if there is to be a web page that lays down the sayings of ''any'' fundamental figure in ''any'' religion, mainstream or not, that it would '''honor the primary source as the definitive source''', which I believe Wikiquote is in error in regards to Jesus. And if you are intrigued by this argument, feel free to visit [http://reasons.org/resources/fff/2002issue10/index.shtml#lost_books] for more information

[[User:65.30.43.1|65.30.43.1]] 07:51, 24 May 2005 (UTC)Matt K.   5/24/05

:Thank you anon, or Matt (I recommend you to register, for your opinion. I don't report my argument on the above. As for the origin and status of &quot;Bible&quot; I have a different opinion. I don't prefer to call Thomas as &quot;the lost part of Bible&quot; because there was no &quot;Bible&quot; what we know as is nowaday. To hold it as is, we must wait for Carthago Synod in the 4th century. And for authoritiy and authencity of &quot;the Bible&quot; I admit it is or would be so for Christianity, but for Wikiquote based on NPOV it should be stripped its absolute status. I admit the four Gospel are primary source - so please quote from them. I admit Thomas is not accepted as an authentic source from the majority - so please note as it at the section of Thomas. It is not good Thomas is the main part of this article - yes, honestly I think so, therefore support your idea to expand the Gospel; please add quotes you prefer from the Bible in Public Domain. I won't because I myself have no English Bible in PD regretfully. Please to think about expanding before pruning. And then if we prefer, we are better to prune less notable quotes. But I don't think the current article which remains still a skelton  reached its pruning stage. It'll be florish, and it is totally up to your input ;) --[[User:Aphaia|Aphaia]] 09:16, 24 May 2005 (UTC)

I could not agree with you more. The argument regarding 'lost books' of the Bible is really unneccessary as long as all books of the traditional Bible are included, to which I will try to make some headway.

[[User:65.30.43.1|65.30.43.1]] 22:29, 24 May 2005 (UTC) Matt

== Quotes About section ==

I am relatively new here, but I just noticed the new &quot;Quotes About Jesus&quot; section and it seems to be mostly quotes specifically denying the diety of Christ or other anti-orthadox quotes. I think these are fine to have, but they should be balanced with orthadox quotations as well. Also is there even supposed to be a &quot;Quotes About&quot; section? 
I don't really know what the standards are here, so just let me know. [[User:KyleT|KyleT]] 05:18, 7 Jun 2005 (UTC)

:'''I disagree. The quotes about Jesus portion is politicization of whatever ideological bent contributors want to present. The whole section needs to be done away with. No major encyclopedia would include quotes about Jesus from completely meaningless sources - Christopher Hitchens, Thomas Jefferson, Albert Einstein, etc. - I'm looking at you.  Contributors should earnestly strive for impartiality and currently, this entire section - quotes about Jesus - drags the credibility of this article down. Also concerning is the use of BOLD types in the quotes section. Why is emphasis being added?  Is this actually an editorial section in which contributors discuss their own thoughts about Jesus?  All the more reason to ditch this section or drastically rework it.  ---[[User:198.204.133.208|198.204.133.208]] 15:46, 13 September 2007 (UTC)

== Christ! ==

Isn't it generally considered an endorsement of Christianity to call Jesus 'Jesus Christ'? He's technically known as Jesus of Nazareth, the 'Christ' bit being purely mythological. Also, do we really want to call this person, who we only know from religious texts, a philosopher?!?

:I agree we should not call him &quot;Christ&quot;. There is a convention to avoid honorifics in page titles, and &quot;Christ&quot; (from &quot;Christus&quot;, &quot;the annointed&quot; (in English) or &quot;Mashiah&quot; (corrupted to &quot;messaiah&quot;)) is definitely an honorific (akin to &quot;king&quot;) ~ [[User:MosheZadka|MosheZadka]] [[User talk:MosheZadka|(Talk)]] 08:23, 24 July 2005 (UTC)

:I disagree with this motion and I think that the term &quot;Christ&quot; should remain.  While I think the term 'Jesus' should be preferred over 'Jesus Christ', it would be hightly confusing to a user to remove 'Christ' from the page on Jesus.  'Jesus' and 'Jesus Christ' are both widely used as part of the culture of over one-sixth of all living humans.  For example, anyone using Wikiquote search funtionality is highly likely to type in 'Jesus Christ' in the box. While titles should not be overly emphasised, they must also be recognised for practical reasons.  Here are some reasons why:
::* Consistency:
::eg [[Buddha]] is actually a title, not a name (follow the link).  Searchers will not type in &quot;Siddhartha Gautama&quot; and readers would become confused if the Buddha was referred to during the article or quotes section as &quot;Siddhartha Gautama&quot;.
::* Practicality:
::[[Queen Elizabeth II]] could not be listed as just 'Elizabeth' as searchers are largely unaware of her surname, the single term 'Elizabeth' fails to distingush her from any other 'Elizabeth', of which there are many.  
:Practicality and readability must be considered. I find it ridiculous that we remove all titles:  Imagine 'Vader' without the 'Darth'... [[User:203.173.156.61|203.173.156.61]] 11:13, 4 August 2005 (UTC)Shotbolt

::Did you check? [[Jesus Christ]] is a redirect page. ~ [[User:MosheZadka|MosheZadka]] [[User talk:MosheZadka|(Talk)]] 11:32, 4 August 2005 (UTC)

::I agree that the Christ title should stay.  After reading the argument aginst using Christ i remembered how the name Buddha was not his real name.  The i saw someone had already said that so i am just agreeing now.  Keep Christ in there.

::I think we should switch the page back to Jesus Christ. If only because Jesus also happens to be the name of my gardner.

== I apologize. ==

I'm sorry, in a sober state I realize this is an important article...
and I shouldn't have attempted to add a thing because this is obviously under someone's care... and I was misplacing my anger.  But I'm getting over it, resolution, realization that that is how I react, on an article such as this.  Hrm, I might just be calling out, subconsciously, for Him.

I've had a LOT of stress, recently.  I'm in the process of moving to Pennsylvania under EXTRAORDINARY circumstances, amongst them are that my parents are getting a divorce after 33 years of marriage.  

... I didn't really know how drunk I was.

By the way, did you know that the Amish ''really do'' call the Catholic Church the &quot;Abomination&quot;?


== PHILOSOPHER??? ==

I don't think Jesus of Nazareth was a philosopher. He was more like David Koresh than Aristotle. He was a teacher, but a dogmatic religious teacher. Everything goes back to Yahweh. He didn't encourage critical thinking. Here's what a real philosopher says of the gospels, &quot;So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence.&quot; Come on, what kind of philosopher would someone be if in four books written about you there wasn't a word in praise of intelligence? As I see it, calling him a philosopher is just POV aggrandizing him.
[[User:63.236.244.224|63.236.244.224]] 00:37, 9 September 2005 (UTC)

: &quot;what kind of philosopher would someone be if in four books written about you there wasn't a word in praise of intelligence?&quot;
: That is because intelligence is morally neutral, it can be used for good or for evil. Anyway, the idea that salvation is only for the intelligent and is excluded from the simple minded is absurd. [[User:Bwooster1|Bwooster1]] 02:58, 1 May 2006 (UTC)

:: That Jesus was a philosopher: a &quot;lover of Wisdom&quot; a ponderer upon it, and an assertor of it, I think to the unprejudiced mind, is obvious, no matter how much time might have obscured or corrupted much of his testimony, and testimony about his wisdom. 

:: What kind of philosopher would someone be if the took the word of even a very wise and revered philosopher that in four books written about someone there wasn't a word in praise of intelligence? In Matthew 10:16 Jesus advises his followers &quot;Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves.&quot; which certainly seems to be at least one incident of praise of intelligence, as manifested in prudence and wisdom.

:: Beyond that, what kind of philosopher would someone be if they took only four books out of thousands written about someone, or worse, a bit of hyperbole, or the snipes of the uninformed and misinformed, as the ultimate testimony in assessing a person as a philosopher? The wise endeavor to make clear assessments of Reality, not to make claims of ultimate knowledge about it. &quot;Know Thy Self&quot; is wise counsel, to presume that you know others, or even yourself, so much as is possible, is folly. ~ [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 12:33, 21 January 2007 (UTC)

== Work in progress ==

I have done quite a bit of work on this article today, and intend to do more in the coming days, but I will probably pause a bit to do other things, and consider what formatting options might be best... there is still quite a hodge-podge of formatting styles present in it, and in seeking new quotes to separate the images in each section better, I will be considering which formats seem best for this particular article, and which should be abandoned. The small print that was used extensively looks horrible in the FireFox browser that I've been using. ~ [[User:Achilles|Achilles]] [[User_talk:Achilles|†]] 16:32, 29 October 2005 (UTC)

== Aramaic or Hebrew statements discussion ==

*It should be noted that &quot;sabachthani&quot; is not actually an Hebrew word. It was most likely originally &quot;azavtani&quot;, which means &quot;forsaken me&quot;.
*While &quot;sabachthani&quot; is not Hebrew, it is Aramaic. And while in the past it has been supposed that Jesus spoke Aramaic there are many scholars who believe that his actual language was Hebrew. But that like other [[w:Rabbi|Rabbi]]s he used Aramaic &quot;loan words&quot; in addition to Hebrew . This verse is a prime example because in Aramaic you don't get the same play on words that you would get in Hebrew. i.e. When Jesus uttered the words &quot; Eli, Eli&quot; those standing around him said he was calling to Elijah (Mark 15.35). Eli meaning either &quot;my God&quot; (el - i) or Eli a shortened form of Elijah (e-li) Where as Eloi is only used of God.

I moved the above comments here, from the &quot;Aramaic or Hebrew statements&quot; section as they form more of a discussion of POVs than they do brief NPOV comments. ~ [[User:Achilles|Achilles]] [[User_talk:Achilles|†]] 07:17, 29 December 2005 (UTC)

There is a problem with the line: '''Aramaic: &quot;אלהי אלהי למא שבקתני&quot; (Êlî êlî lâmâ `azabtânî)'''. The letters in Hebrew says &quot;SHABAKTANI&quot; (I'm a native speaker of the language and never hread that word...), while the phonetic transliteration mean &quot;forsaken me&quot; (עזבתני). [[User:74.120.113.47|74.120.113.47]] 23:40, 24 July 2007 (UTC)

== Bible Version ==

In my humble opinion, the quotes in this section should be from KJV not NIV. Otherwise, why not any other brand-X modern translation? [[User:Bwooster1|Bwooster1]] 02:28, 1 May 2006 (UTC)
 
:Why?  Your opinion doesn't sound the least bit humble to me.  You sound like someone who's hawking the KJV over one that people can understand for your own sense of tradition.  No one apeaks Jacobean English anymore, so why insist?  This is precisely what the Church of Rome did with the Vulgate, which was written so that all could understand and later came to be the &quot;only God-inspired&quot; translation -- the same argument that a lot of KJ-only folk use.  The Bible is meant to be understood by even the least educated of people.  There is no reason to use a translation that is incomprehensible to the vast majority of English speakers.  [[User:Danwaggoner|Danwaggoner]] 17:57, 14 August 2009 (UTC)
I believe what my friend is trying to say is that we would all rather a version of the Bible that everyone can understand. It is wrong to assume that everyone is comfortable with an old english translation of the Bible; which is in fact beautiful but perhaps not the best version to relate to everyone in the twenty-first century.

== Transwiki of &quot;not with me&quot; quotes ==

I have completed a transwiki started by [[User:^demon|^demon]] from a Wikipedia article called &quot;You're either with us, or against us&quot; that contained the passage &quot;He who is not with me is against me...&quot;. The WP editors who worked on this particular quote are:
* (cur) (last) 17:48, 27 March 2006 (UTC) [[w:User:Dbachmann|Dbachmann]] (→Historical use of the phrase)
* (cur) (last) 20:33, 28 December 2005 (UTC) [[w:User:Mwazzap|Mwazzap]] m (→Historical use of the phrase)
* (cur) (last) 23:32, 7 November 2005 (UTC) [[w:User:JJLatWiki|JJLatWiki]] (→Historical use of the phrase - reverted removal biblical reference)
* (cur) (last) 01:44, 26 October 2005 (UTC) [[w:User:Ck4829|Ck4829]]
* (cur) (last) 16:15, 5 August 2005 (UTC) [[w:User:JJLatWiki|JJLatWiki]] (→Historical use of the phrase)
* (cur) (last) 22:12, 3 August 2005 (UTC) [[w:User:CDThieme|CDThieme]] (→Historical use of the phrase)
* (cur) (last) 20:15, 23 July 2005 (UTC) [[w:User:205.250.146.89|205.250.146.89]]
However, since 2 citations (Matthew and Luke) were given, I immediately pulled up their King James versions, corrected and expanded them, and cited the passages in a format more appropriate for the &quot;different sources compared&quot; section. Regular editors of this article are welcome to do what they will with this information; my sole interest was to get the transwiki completed. ~ [[User:Jeffq|Jeff Q]]&amp;nbsp;[[User talk:Jeffq|(talk)]] 04:38, 23 May 2006 (UTC)

== &quot;Messiah&quot; status in Islamic traditions ==

I removed a line in the heading which mischaracterizes the role of Jesus in Islam. Though most Christians would declare him as &quot;the&quot; [[w:Messiah|Messiah]] of &quot;ultimate salvation&quot; for all people, actually, in Islamic traditions, though Jesus is ''a '' great prophet and &quot;the&quot; ''prophesied'' messiah to the Jews, the role of &quot;ultimate&quot; and &quot;universal&quot; salvation has become more or less implicitly assigned to [[Muhammad]] as deliverer of the ''[[Quran]]'', and his consideration (by most Muslims) to be not only a great prophet, but the &quot;final&quot; prophet. ~ [[User:Shadow|Shadow]] 06:56, 4 June 2006 (UTC)

: Funny how many &quot;final prophets&quot; there have been.  Joseph Smith and Bahá'u'lláh are two recent examples.   [[User:Danwaggoner|Danwaggoner]] 18:07, 14 August 2009 (UTC)
 
:: Not sure about Joseph Smith, as I haven't studied Mormonism much; but, Bahá'u'lláh specifically said that there would be more after him. ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|&quot;I'm listening....&quot;]])'' 20:02, 14 August 2009 (UTC)
 
''The Following section has been moved from the article area.''

==A note on possible additions==

Further refinements of this article might include providing statements from all ancient sources in all the original languages of the earliest existing copies, —which in most cases would be Greek, Coptic, or sometimes transliterations of Aramaic. It would be useful if within this article the various renditions of statements in the various gospels could be brought together for comparison. It is expected that this work will be taken up by some who are zealous to see it progress, until it is completed to the satisfaction of most. It is to be hoped that sectarian and secular hostilities, and disputes about relative merit of the sources, translations and statements that are used can be kept to a minimum, and remain within the bounds of proper civility and charity. '''Until civility and charity rule the hearts, minds, and actions of all who would be considered wise, there is certainly a great deal left to be done in the clarification of virtue.'''

== Easter Sunday 2007 - Massive cleanup ==

There had been very many diverse expansions to this article in recent months, and some of them were barely relevant, or not at all so, for a page of quotations by or about Jesus, and some that were relevant but were in wrong sections. This is a summary of most of the work I did on this article today: 

# Removed notice that stated : &quot;All Biblical quotes in this article are taken from the [[w:King James Version|King James Version]] (KJV) unless otherwise specified.&quot; Though the KJV is the version that I began with in creating this article, and one of those I most like to use for quotation there are many other versions in use now, and there will probably increasingly be others. I replaced it with:  &quot;All Biblical quotes in this article should specify the translation or version which is being used.&quot;
# Added a couple variants of the [[w:Lord's Prayer|Lord's Prayer]] and move it into the &quot;Varants of major statements&quot; compared section.
# Restored &lt;nowiki&gt; &lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; &lt;/nowiki&gt; breaks removed from that section by previous editor. Though there are other formatting options that might be used instead of these, they currently serve to separate the variants being compared.
# Removed several very large passages that were added of [[Martin Luther]] where he says much about his opinions on Jews but very little or nothing at all actually about Jesus, retained one that actually did directly comment upon Jesus.
# Moved quotes about Jesus in Gospel of Mary to proper section : Quotes ''about'' Jesus.
# Moved large tracts from the Qur'an which are about Jesus but do not contain a single quotation of Jesus to their own subsection in Quotes ''about'' Jesus... 
# Moved passages from The Book of Revelation that some interpret as being about Jesus to the section ''about'' Jesus, and added some quotations actually attributed to Jesus by John in his vision of the Apocalypse to the section they were removed from.
# Replaced caption for an image that was quoting Isaiah and John about God, and doesn't clearly refer to the person of Jesus at all. 
# Retained quotes by Gibbon on Christian faith that tangentially refers to Jesus, but debated removing one that doesn't so clearly do so.
# Removed one by Christopher Hitchens that doesn't clearly refer to Jesus, trim one that tangentially does, but extensively addresses more general notions of faith and doctrines. 
# Removed quote by an Abu Ghraib torture victim that is not actually about Jesus, but about the attitudes of a torturer.
# Removed quote by [[Adolf Hitler]] that only very tangentially mentions Jesus, retain two that are more direct statement of Hitler's opinion about the attitude of Jesus towards other Jews.
# Trimmed an extensive passage of [[Thomas Jefferson]] to reduce it to those parts where he specifically is referring to Jesus, and extend other sections which were edited down to make it seem he was being extremely critical of him in that passage, when he was actually praising him.
# Revised or added a few comments on various quotations or sections.

I also debated removing the extensive section which merely is quoting sections of the [[w:King James Version of the Bible|King James Version of the Bible]] in the compilation known as &quot;Jefferson's Bible, but retained it as being ''about'' Jesus, though it is ''not'' actually a quotation of Jefferson about him.

There is much more work that can be done on this article, and there were some sections I have not yet examined thoroughly, but I barely had the time to do what I have done today, and will probably let it rest as it is for a while, with perhaps some minor formatting work within the next week, and monitor further changes to it to the extent I can. ~ [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 18:38, 8 April 2007 (UTC)

== A note on a recent reversion ==

The people known today as [[w:Gnosticism|Gnostics]] did not call themselves Gnostics, and many called themselves simply Chrisitans, and when I created a section for &quot;non-canonical scriptures&quot; I considered that there could be more included in that heading than those which are normally called &quot;Gnostic&quot;. After recent objections to that name for that section, I altered it to &quot;Gnostic scriptures&quot; which does limit the section a bit more, but allows for potential quotes from the many Gnostic writings that were never called &quot;Gospels&quot;. 

I personally am not stifled by any doctrinal constraints as to what should be considered &quot;canonical&quot; and worthy or unworthy of study about any religious tradition and personally I believe the preponderance of evidence indicates that chronologically the documents were written in the order: Thomas, followed by Mark, with Mathew and Luke written at around the same time, and finally John, which also certainly could be called a &quot;Gnostic Gospel&quot; as it was clearly a favorite of those groups called Gnostic as well as those who declared themselves &quot;orthodox&quot;. I originally created the page with that chronological order, but later I accepted edits where the &quot;canonical&quot; arrangement of &quot;Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John&quot; were preferred, because that is the order most familiar to most people, and accepted Thomas coming afterwards because it remains relatively obscure and controversial. I can accept some of the arguments for its later composition as sometimes interesting, and even clever, but they have never been particularly convincing to me, and I do tend to view the degree of support that they have received as motivated largely by doctrinal concerns, rather than their own merits.

One could argue that the Gospel of Mary and the Gospel of Judas might represent very early traditions, but no major scholarship proposes a very early date for their composition, and I believe that neither should be given a position prior to that of Thomas on the page.

The Qur'an rightfully has its own page, as do various Christian, Jewish, and other religious scriptures, though as yet, activity on these pages have been relatively minor; but the fact that it is held as holy scripture by millions of people does not alter the fact the quotes provided in that section are quotes ''about'' Jesus, and though these are extensive enough to merit their own sub-section within the section of &quot;Quotes ''about'' Jesus&quot; it's level of popularity, or its presumed authority among various religious factions, does not mean it any way &quot;deserves&quot; to have its own particular section seperated and removed from that section, even if the quotations ''about'' Jesus are held to be &quot;quotes of God&quot;, rather than of a man.

The quotation of dialog between an Abu Ghraib torture victim and his tormentor which includes a comment where he is incidentally told to &quot;Pray to Jesus&quot; as a means of insult and humiliation, is in no way a quote ''about'' Jesus, and only very tangentially and inferentially might it even be considered a quote about Christianity. The tormentor might have been someone who considered himself a Christian, but could also easily have been an agnostic or atheist simply intent on causing distress where he had the power to do so, as is all too common a trait among many people whatever religious or non-religious beliefs they might profess. ~ [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 20:29, 13 April 2007 (UTC)

:This is just silly. Everyone calls them the [[w:Gnostic Gospels|Gnostic Gospels]]. Including Wikipedia. Because they're called [[w:Gnostic Gospels|Gnostic Gospels]]. So let's not invent a new name for them here. [[User:Écrasez l'infâme|Écrasez l&amp;#39;infâme]] 02:37, 14 April 2007 (UTC)

I have retained the name the Gnostic Gospels for now, but there is far more material available of Gnostic literature than that which was composed in works called &quot;Evangelions&quot; (or &quot;Gospels&quot;) and it is hardly &quot;inventing&quot; a term to refer to these works a scripture. Its been a number of years since I intensely studied much the material, but I have many volumes of it, and there might be material I will add in the future. All of the Gospel of Mary and Qur'an material thus far posted merely provide quotes ''about'' Jesus, not of him, and, in accordance with the standard organization of pages this material should be in a section of its own, and there is no reason that the Qur'an quotes should have any special status that removes them from such a section. ~ [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 01:34, 23 April 2007 (UTC)

: [[User:Kalki|Kalki]], this is truly absurd: the entire New Testament is nothing but a bunch of quotations ''about'' Jesus, even the quotes ''attributed'' to him, simply because it was written long after Jesus died. No one knows if Jesus actually spoke ''any'' of the Biblical quotes actually attributed to him. The Bible even contradicts itself about where Jesus delivered his most important sermon -- was it on a mount (Mt 5:1-7:29)? or on a plain (Lk 6:17-49)? Therefore, for this and many other reasons, the Gnostic Gospels and the Qur'an necessarily and logically speak with equal authority as the Bible and deserve equal footing. I have given them their own sections. [[User:Écrasez l'infâme|Écrasez l&amp;#39;infâme]] 02:48, 24 April 2007 (UTC)

'''I have merely insisted that the standard organization for all pages on people should be followed here as it is elsewhere, and that quotations depicting the direct statements ''of'' Jesus, whatever their presumed accuracy or lack of it should have their own sections, and quotes ''about'' him should have theirs. '''This is hardly absurd. It is simply following the long standing guidelines for creating pages about people.

The whole New Testament, though primarily about Jesus and his testimony is not primarily composed of statements attributed to him, as many of the Gospel statements are. Much of it is also the testimony by [[Paul of Tarsus]], as well as the other writers, of their beliefs and ideas concerning virtuous and vile attitudes and behavior based on what they believed the teachings of Jesus implied or impelled. 

Anyone's personal opinions, points of view, and presumptions about the accuracy or lack of it in the books of the New Testament or the Gnostic testaments, or other works, should not be the governing criterion by which the page is organized. Many of the statements of the very early works ''are'' depicted as statements ''of'' Jesus, and for the most part have historically been accepted as for the most part accurate, even by most non-religious historians, though sectarian and secular interpretations of them and their value can vary greatly. The Gospel of Thomas is unique in being nearly entirely a collection of statements attributed to him. 

You seem to keep insisting that the page should be divided up entirely from what works they are from, and that works written centuries later should be treated as if they were entirely equal in value in any statements they make about the ideas of Jesus, as those which include statements depicted as directly stated by him. '''Any of these specific works either do or can have their own separate pages, but the organization of a page for a person should retain the standard division of quotations ''of'' a person and quotations ''about'' a person.'''

Whatever creedal doctrines one accepts, rejects, despises, condones, or embraces, documents that were written by contemporaries of Jesus, within a few decades of his death do have some credible claim to accuracy in depicting at least some of his statements and it is only a small minority of people with their own extreme biases and presumptions, who presume to reject all the statements attributed to Jesus as if they must be treated as entirely fictional, and this is at least as extreme and unwarranted a position as those who working from traditional doctrinal loyalties would insist upon their absolute accuracy. To insist that they absolutely have no more claim to accurately depicting many of his expressions and ideas than works most likely written at least a century later, or known to have been composed six centuries later is a position that is absurd. 

I repeat, the organization I have been maintaining is simply the standard format for pages on people, the improvisations you have been insisting on are exceptional violations of it. If there is any doubt of this it should probably be taken to the Village Pump. ~ [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 05:44, 24 April 2007 (UTC)

== Why King James? ==
Why are all the quotes on Wikipedia &quot;English&quot; provided in an outdated version of the English language?
:It could be that it is the most well-known and respected version (but not the most accurate) of the Bible in English. [[User:Steve Dufour|Steve Dufour]] 04:02, 3 December 2007 (UTC)
::It is also the most quoted version in English. [[User:Steve Dufour|Steve Dufour]] 03:33, 9 December 2007 (UTC)
Nevertheless it is still the least relevant.

== Where are the quotes? ==

I know that some of the quotes are being disputed, and that many are being tampered with (ergo the current situation of adding or modifying them being unavailable presently) but I was wondering on where all the quotes are?  Even if they are disputed, should they still be up but with disclaimers on them?  Just curious.
==Jehovah's Witness quote==
This is a quote from You-tube video cartoon. I don't think it is notable, or fair as the only representative of Jehovah's Witness's opinion of Jesus. [[User:Steve Dufour|Steve Dufour]] 02:58, 3 December 2007 (UTC)
:The quote about Jesus is from Jehovah's Witness's material explaining the nature of Jesus. It is not a &quot;quote from You-tube video cartoon&quot;, but rather JW material available for verification that happens to be entered on youtube. JW's are a well-known American religion with many members, and their views on Jesus are relevant, significant, and approriate. [[User:Écrasez l&amp;#39;infâme|Écrasez l&amp;#39;infâme]] 22:38, 28 December 2007 (UTC)
Personally, I don't even think it's ''about'' Jesus. The JW's idea of what he will do sometime in the future is not a quote about Jesus -- it does not tell us anything about his nature, or the JW's opinion of him. To use an analogy: &quot;Al Gore is a fine person and a great American&quot; is a quote about Gore. &quot;Al Gore will run for president again in 2012&quot; is a prediction. It doesn't shed any light on Gore per se, just my own ideas about him. --[[User:Ubiquity|Ubiquity]] 18:21, 29 December 2007 (UTC)

==Jefferson's book==
I think it is very cool that Thomas Jefferson wrote a book about Jesus taking out the miracles and other supernatural stuff.  However there seems to be a bit too much long passages from it here in this article.  How about a couple of short quotes by Jefferson and a link to the book? [[User:Steve Dufour|Steve Dufour]] 03:51, 3 December 2007 (UTC)
==Homer Simpson quote==
I removed this quote and then it was put right back:
:[about Jesus wearing sandals] Well, maybe if he had had better arch support, they wouldn't have caught him!
::Homer Simpson
My problem with it is that Mr. Simpson did not really say it. It was written by a screenwriter and said by an actor while an animated picture of Mr. Simpson was being shown.  Besides that, there are many, many jokes about Jesus.  Are we going to include all of them? [[User:Steve Dufour|Steve Dufour]] 13:34, 3 December 2007 (UTC)
: I can agree this quote is rather minor and irrelevant, and probably should be removed, but I rolled backed your edits earlier because there was material that I believe does belong here, and didn't have time to sort through all of it. I also agree that the amount of the Jefferson, Paine and Islamic material that has been added here sems somewhat excessive, but most of it has sufficient relevance that I wouldn't actually remove it.  &lt;br&gt; I didn't have much time to comment earlier, and don't have much right now, because I've been in the middle of a very busy several days, and simply have not had sufficient time at my computer to address some of the concerns that are arising here. I will remove the rather irrelevant Homer Simpson remark now.  ~ [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 13:46, 3 December 2007 (UTC)
::Thanks. [[User:Steve Dufour|Steve Dufour]] 13:57, 3 December 2007 (UTC)
: I just noticed you removed the quote after I, somehow, had not. I had thought I did, and was surprised to find I hadn't. All I can think of is that I either previewed without saving changes, or became totally distracted by something else and forgot to make the removal. I have been juggling many activities lately and either thing might have occurred. ~ [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 06:51, 4 December 2007 (UTC)
::No problem. I figured something like that happened. Happens with me all the time. :-) [[User:Steve Dufour|Steve Dufour]] 02:58, 5 December 2007 (UTC)

==Statement by fictional character==
I also removed this one:
* Tomorrow we goes into battle, so Lordy, let me fight with the rifle in one hand, and the Good Book in the other. So that if I may die at the muzzle of the rifle... die on water, or on land, I may know that you blessed Jesus almighty are with me... and I have no fear. 
** Jupiter Sharts (in the movie [[Glory (film)|Glory]]; from: [http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0097441/quotes])

Not only is this by a fictional character, it also does not seem, to me anyway, to be saying anything about Jesus. [[User:Steve Dufour|Steve Dufour]] 15:34, 5 December 2007 (UTC)

==Anti-Semitic section?==

===Fathers of the Early Church===

* [T]he Jewish people were driven by their drunkenness and plumpness to the ultimate evil; they kicked about, they failed to accept the yoke of Christ, nor did they pull the plow of his teaching. Another prophet hinted at this when he said: &quot;Israel is as obstinate as a stubborn heifer.&quot; … Although such beasts are unfit for work, they are fit for killing.
** [[w:Saint John Chrysostom|Saint John Chrysostom]] (349–ca. 407), ''[http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/source/chrysostom-jews6.html Eight Homilies Against the Jews]'', Homily 1

* Before they committed the crime of crimes, before they killed their Master, before the cross, before the slaying of Christ, [Jewish sacrifices were] an abomination.
** [[w:Saint John Chrysostom|Saint John Chrysostom]] (349–ca. 407), ''[http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/source/chrysostom-jews6.html Eight Homilies Against the Jews]'', Homily 1

* You [Jews] did slay Christ, you did lift violent hands against the Master, you did spill his precious blood. This is why you have no chance for atonement, excuse, or defense.
** [[w:Saint John Chrysostom|Saint John Chrysostom]] (349–ca. 407), ''[http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/source/chrysostom-jews6.html Eight Homilies Against the Jews]'', Homily 6

* [T]he Jews are enduring their present troubles because of Christ.
** [[w:Saint John Chrysostom|Saint John Chrysostom]] (349–ca. 407), ''[http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/source/chrysostom-jews6.html Eight Homilies Against the Jews]'', Homily 6

I have several problems with this section being included on this page.  (On the other hand, if there is a page for anti-Semitic quotes it should be included there.)  For one thing it is not about the &quot;fathers of the early church&quot;, only one person is quoted.  For another, the quotes are not about Jesus himself, but are tirades against the Jews.  Besides that, they do not express the opinions of Jesus himself. I am fairly confident that he did not think that Jewish sacrifices were abominations or that Jews had no chance of attonement. [[User:Steve Dufour|Steve Dufour]] 16:06, 5 December 2007 (UTC)
:These quotes clearly illustrate historically consistent Christian views of Jews and Judaism back to the first centuries of Christianity. They are specifically about Jesus because of the charge that the Jews killed Jesus and because they say that the Jews suffer because of Christ. Whether or not you have problems with them is irrelevant. Other quotes from the Early Church fathers about Jesus can and should be added to this section. [[User:Écrasez l&amp;#39;infâme|Écrasez l&amp;#39;infâme]] 17:11, 12 December 2007 (UTC)
:: Frankly, I agree with Steve Dufour on this one, for most of these quotes have little or nothing to say about Jesus directly and seem to be merely &quot;rubbing the nose&quot; of some of the more moderate Christians into some of the fouler pronouncements of some of the early and influential Christians. I am not saying they should not be quoted, merely that they don't belong here. ~ [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 17:18, 12 December 2007 (UTC)
:::The slur of &quot;[http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&amp;q=%22christ+killer%22&amp;btnG=Google+Search Christ killer]&quot; against the Jews is highly relevent in a list of quotations about Jesus.  These quotes from the early Church leaders involve Christ directly, saying that He is the cause of the troubles of the Jews, and that the Jews killed Christ. Your charge that this is &quot;rubbing the nose&quot; of moderate Christians is irrelevant and incorrect.  &quot;Rubbing those nose&quot; would include similar quotes from Hitler and other Nazis, though these too would be highly appropriate in such a list of quotations about Jesus, even if they are separated by two millenia. [[User:Écrasez l&amp;#39;infâme|Écrasez l&amp;#39;infâme]] 17:14, 13 December 2007 (UTC)
:: These quotes plainly are the opinions of one influential early Christian about Jews, and the incidental mention of Christ does not make them ''about'' Jesus. They ''are'' quotes that voice certain assumptions and doctrines about his mission, and certainly can be properly posted on the page for  [[John Chrysostom]], and on a theme page for quotes about [[Jews]] or perhaps on a new one for historical &quot;Anti-Semitism&quot; but they are not actually themselves quotes ''about'' Jesus, and I cannot accept the idea that they belong here, and the insistence that they do strikes me as more than a bit over-zealous. ~ [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 18:45, 13 December 2007 (UTC)
::: It's overzealous to remove quotes from one of the very first sainted Christians about Christ killers from a list of quotations about Christ. These are in fact highly relevant and belong here. [[User:Écrasez l&amp;#39;infâme|Écrasez l&amp;#39;infâme]] 17:02, 14 December 2007 (UTC)
:: '''The quotes are about ''[[Jews]]'', whom Chrysostom ''calls'' &quot;Christ-killers&quot; — and such incidental comments do not make them relevant to a page on [[Jesus]].''' If someone prominent and notable says of someone &quot;Jesus Fucking Christ! What an asshole!&quot; that may arguably be quoted, perhaps as part of a significant remark, and dispassionately looked upon as an indication of a person's inclination to use a generally revered person's name as  part of an epithet, but it is no way a significant remark ''about'' Jesus himself, and wouldn't belong here. Nor do these. They ''incidentally'' mention Christ and ''indicate'' a belief in doctrinal justifications for personal or societal antipathies and hostilities to Jews. 
::I believe that there are also other rather strained associations on the page, but I haven't had time to make much of an effort to clean this up lately, and I know that this is one of the pages where interminable arguments are likely to arise.
:: I will make brief indication of my personal perspectives on a few matters here. '''No matter how wise and simple or complicated and extensive a creed or doctrine may be, I personally have great antipathy to most efforts to proclaim any particular doctrine that can be enunciated by anyone as a supreme or infallible expression of wisdom, but I also have a great antipathy to attempts to denigrate or deride anyone of any creed by false or strained associations with some of the worst nominal adherents of various creeds, or some of the worst of the particular opinions of other people.''' &lt;br&gt;  Almost every person on earth, no matter what their belief or disbelief on any matter, is capable of respecting truth and I am vigorously opposed to all efforts to spread such distortions, lies, hatreds, and hostilities as foster false assumptions and lead people to treat anyone as if they deserved little more than contempt, insults, and persecution. Such behavior does not come solely from those zealots, fanatics and bigots who would call themselves &quot;religious&quot; in their motivations, but also from those who are most ''anti''-religious&quot; in their aims (which often actually includes the very same people of course, as innumerable &quot;religious&quot; affiliations have opposed one another vehemently, and the most fiercely &quot;anti-religious&quot; are sometimes quite &quot;religious&quot; in their zeal and even in their cohesion with others).  &lt;br&gt; As you seem insistent that I am the one being overzealous here, in agreeing with another editor that they don't belong here, I will mention the matter at the Village Pump and we can get some indication of community consensus on the matter. Even should it plainly come out on the side of their removal, my own aversion to making rules or relying on them would lead me to oppose any absolute codification that might be attempted, beyond the level of a guideline, as I am familiar with attempts to make very &quot;strained disassociations&quot; as well, where comments on people's remarks and disputes about their opinions have been argued as not &quot;about them&quot; and I doubt one could easily make an absolute and infallible rule the matter. On such matters, on a case-by-case basis, I am content to rely on community consensus. ~ [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 18:35, 14 December 2007 (UTC)

* [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] has asked elsewhere for additional opinions here, so I will add mine.  The statements at the head of this section are BY [[w:Saint John Chrysostom|Saint John Chrysostom]] and are ABOUT Jews. I do not think they belong on a page about Jesus. If someone tried to put &quot;Lee Harvey Oswald was an evil man for killing Kennedy&quot;, attributed to some sixties politician, on the JFK page, I would say it doesn't belong there. Now, if someone has some quotes BY Jesus about the Jews, or ABOUT Jesus's attitude to the Jews (rather than their attitude toward him), I would agree those belong on the Jesus page. But the quotes listed above are clearly not that. --[[User:Ubiquity|Ubiquity]] 19:34, 14 December 2007 (UTC)

* Let's please leave out the inflammatory accusations of anti-Semitism. The fact is that Wikiquote theme articles, in order to avoid these kinds of argumentative inclusion guidelines, typically require each quote to be specifically about the subject, not about tangential subjects, however influential. In fact, any quotes that don't specifically mention or include as their ''primary'' subject the article title should be considered for removal. By this standard, any discussion of the attitudes of early Christians about Jews and Judaism simply does not merit inclusion here. Wikiquote is not a place to compose essays-by-quotation. It is simply a place to collect original, pithy, well-sourced quotes specifically about the subjects named. If we want quotes on anti-Semitism, they should be located at [[Anti-Semitism]]. ~ [[User:Jeffq|Jeff Q]]&amp;nbsp;[[User talk:Jeffq|(talk)]] 19:45, 14 December 2007 (UTC)

:::: [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] said, &quot;They ''incidentally'' mention Christ and ''indicate'' a belief in doctrinal justifications for personal or societal antipathies and hostilities to Jews.&quot;
::: A simple reading of just one of quotes show that this is not true: &quot;'''the Jews are enduring their present troubles because of Christ.'''&quot; This quote saying that Jesus is the cause of the problems of the Jews in the centuries since the Crucifixion mentions Jesus '''directly''' as the cause of the Jews' problems, and coming as it does from a [[w:Portal:Saints|Sainted]] [[w:Archbishop|Archbishop]], one of the only [[w:Three Holy Hierarchs|Three Holy Hierarchs]], and a [[w:Doctor of the Church|Doctor of the Church]], it speaks with much more authority than we do on this important matter. This is not simply about anti-Semitism, it's about the highly influential early Christian direct (''not'' &quot;tangential&quot;) link between Jesus and anti-Semitism. As such, these quotes do belong here, controversial or not.[[User:Écrasez l&amp;#39;infâme|Écrasez l&amp;#39;infâme]] 20:18, 14 December 2007 (UTC)

:::::I think the quotes a very valuable to show how far and how fast Christianity fell away from the teachings of Jesus, however they are not ''about'' Jesus. How about starting a new page? [[User:Steve Dufour|Steve Dufour]] 03:12, 15 December 2007 (UTC)

:::: Exactly. &quot;The '''Jews''' are enduring their present troubles...&quot;  '''Jews''' is the subject of the sentence. The quote is '''primarily''' about Jews, not about Jesus. It's not a question of antisemitism, it's a question of appropriateness. In fact, after taking a look at the &quot;Quotes about Jesus&quot; section, I notice that many of them are not about Jesus. Rather, they are quotes that ''mention'' Jesus (at least one of them doesn't even do that). When I read a section that is called &quot;About X&quot;, I expect the quotes there to show how other people regarded X -- not how X regarded others, and certainly not hearsay about how people other than the author of the quote felt about X (that is, the sentence &quot;I think that Y does not like X&quot; is not about X, it's about Y). I would like to see the entire &quot;About&quot; section trimmed back to include only appropriate quotes. --[[User:Ubiquity|Ubiquity]] 20:51, 14 December 2007 (UTC)
:: A very obtuse and simplistic reading of that quote could lead to its interpretation as being ''about'' Jesus, and is one that might very tenuously be retained if consensus dictates it should be, but anyone with any knowledge of the history of Christian doctrines and churches would realize the statement refers to the ''supposed'' guilt of the Jews, ''as a people'' for the death of Jesus; which is again an issue of the doctrines and dogmas of particular churches on sin, redemption and the role of [[Jews]], not a statement specifically about the person known as [[Jesus]]. ~ [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 21:02, 14 December 2007 (UTC)

:::: ''[edit conflict]'' The &quot;Jews are enduring&quot; quote is not about Jesus, who was long gone in any physical form by then. It's about unprovable blame between religious sects. It's about the early Christians use of Christ as a means to blame members of another faith for their problems, much as some modern Christian extremists try to blame AIDS and hurricanes on supposed faithlessness and immorality. (And this is by no means exclusive to Christians and Jews.) These are interpretations of the faith surrounding the subject, not about the subject itself. Rather than argue the merits of such a thesis (impossible to resolve, given the total lack of physical, cause-and-effect evidence, only contradictory written and spoken testimony), we avoid the whole problem by requiring that quotes be '''specifically and primarily''' about the subject.

:::: Frankly, I can't help but think of ''[[Monty Python's Life of Brian]]'', and all the words Brian's unwelcome followers put into his mouth. We should keep the distinction between the person and the opposing creeds and their wildly contradicting interpretations of that person's recorded words.

:::: We're even on shaky (but unavoidable) ground quoting the Bible itself for Jesus's own words. What we have is probably what some unidentified authors writing in the names of the Disciples, well after their time, wrote as ''their'' claims of what Jesus said — or at least those books which survived multiple screenings from several generations of changing thought within the nascent Christian Church. There was no independent press core to record speeches, no Gutenberg press to meticulously copy and distribute them for posterity, and as we still suffer from [[w:Chinese whispers|telephone-game]] mangling of information even in this instant, worldwide-distribution age, it's beyond credulity to assume no transcription errors occurred. Folk singer Nick Annis once made this point about the Bible: &quot;From Hebrew it's translated into Arabic, from Arabic to Latin, from Latin to Greek, from Greek to Russian, from Russian to German, from German to an old form of English that you could not read.  Through 400 years of evolution of the English language to the book we have today, which is: a translation of a translation of a translation of a translation of a translation of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of an oral history passed down through 40 generations.&quot; The path for the New Testament maybe only half that, but the point is still valid — virtually nothing we use can be guaranteed to be &quot;accurate&quot;, except for its own period and culture.

:::: Sorry for the digression. Returning to my main point: let's keep this article focused very tightly on the subject, not the future social implications and inferences of organizations created around that subject. ~ [[User:Jeffq|Jeff Q]]&amp;nbsp;[[User talk:Jeffq|(talk)]] 21:23, 14 December 2007 (UTC)

I am 100% in favor of removing quotes not about Jesus himself from the page.  I think this page is the most important one on WQ, considering Jesus' importance to the culture of the English speaking world -- whatever you think or believe about him. [[User:Steve Dufour|Steve Dufour]] 03:09, 15 December 2007 (UTC)

: Here is [[w:Saint John Chrysostom|Saint John Chrysostom]]'s quote in full:
** [T]he Jewish people were driven by their drunkenness and plumpness to the ultimate evil; they kicked about, they failed to accept the yoke of Christ, nor did they pull the plow of his teaching. Another prophet hinted at this when he said: &quot;Israel is as obstinate as a stubborn heifer.&quot; … Although such beasts are unfit for work, they are fit for killing. And this is what happened to the Jews: while they were making themselves unfit for work, they grew fit for slaughter. This is why Christ said: &quot;But as for these my enemies, who did not want me to be king over them, bring them here and slay them.&quot; ([[w:Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [[s:Bible, King James, Luke#Chapter 19|19:27]])
*** [[w:Saint John Chrysostom|Saint John Chrysostom]] (349–ca. 407), ''[http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/source/chrysostom-jews6.html Eight Homilies Against the Jews]'', Homily 1
: It invokes Jesus twice: the first time to say that the Jews refuse the &quot;yoke of Christ&quot;, then a second time to explain that slaughtering the Jews as a consequence is precisely what Jesus meant in [[w:Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [[s:Bible, King James, Luke#Chapter 19|19:27]]. This quote, made by a highly influential leader of the early Church, a [[w:Portal:Saints|Sainted]] [[w:Archbishop|Archbishop]] of Constantinople, one of the only [[w:Three Holy Hierarchs|Three Holy Hierarchs]], and a [[w:Doctor of the Church|Doctor of the Church]], is directly about Jesus and belongs on the page of quotes about Jesus, no matter how controversial or how uncomfortable it may make some editors. [[User:Écrasez l&amp;#39;infâme|Écrasez l&amp;#39;infâme]] 20:14, 16 December 2007 (UTC)
:: A quote that merely mentions X is not necessarily about X. You claim that the quote listed above &quot;invokes&quot; Jesus twice, but I think you mean it &quot;mentions&quot; Jesus (I do not see this quote as actually &quot;calling on&quot; or &quot;appealing to&quot; Jesus). Let us boil this quote down to its essentials: &quot;The Jewish people refused to accept the yoke of Christ.&quot; Here is a sentence with an almost identical structure: &quot;The Jewish people refused to accept pork in their diet.&quot; Do you believe that this sentence is about pork? Obviously, the most correct place for these quotes would be on a page about Saint John Chrysostom, or the sayings of the early church. Possibly, they could be placed on a page about Jews (if suitably balanced by other quotes to insure NPOV). But they do not belong on a page about Jesus, as it is neither his opinion, or someone else's opinion about him. --[[User:Ubiquity|Ubiquity]] 22:21, 16 December 2007 (UTC)
These are among the most '''historically significant and influential words ever written about Jesus'''. [[w:Saint John Chrysostom|Saint John Chrysostom]]'s quote, obviously '''about Jesus''', quotes Him directly, i.e., does not merely &quot;mention&quot; Him, to provide a theological justification for the treatment of the Jews that has been used thoughout Christianity's entire history, running through the 4th Lateran Council, to Luther and beyond. Even Hitler stressed this long history in his defense of the final solution. As this quote about Jesus illustrates, the person of Jesus Christ and His own words were used repeatedly by Christians to justify a policy of slaughtering Jews. This is historically significant and cannot be ignored or whitewashed by laughable claims that [[w:Saint John Chrysostom|Chrysostom]]'s quote about Jesus merely &quot;mentions&quot; or &quot;invokes&quot; (meaning cite as an appeal to authority) Jesus. [[w:Saint John Chrysostom|Chrysostom]]'s highly influential quote about Jesus was used on numerous occasions to slaughter Jews for the theological reasons [[w:Saint John Chrysostom|Chrysostom]] gave: the Jews rejected and killed Christ, and Jesus [[s:Bible, King James, Luke#Chapter 19|implies]] to kill anyone who does not want Him to be king over them.  These are [[w:Saint John Chrysostom|Chrysostom]] words '''about Jesus''', not mine. This is an important and significant quote about Jesus and belongs in a list of quotations about Jesus, regardless of their controversial nature. [[User:Écrasez l&amp;#39;infâme|Écrasez l&amp;#39;infâme]] 11:52, 17 December 2007 (UTC)

In support of my statement that Chrysostom's quote about Jesus condoning the killing of the Jews is &quot;among the most '''historically significant and influential words ever written about Jesus'''&quot;:
* [A]lthough the tradition of Chrysostom continued to cause unbridled vituperation for Jews and Judaism, climaxing in the violence of 1096 and beyond, the modulating Augustinian position became, more or less, the &quot;official&quot; policy of the papacy … [G]overnmental coercion became the instrument though which the Church made its scornful commentary on Judaism. '''Here is the decisive turn in the history of Christian anti-Judaism, a turn whose ultimate disfiguring consequence was enacted in the ''political'' antisemitism of Adolf Hitler.'''
** Steven T. Katz, Ideology, State Power, and Mass Murder/Genocide, in ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=WEUZNRmi0i4C&amp;pg=PA52&amp;dq=hitler+chrysostom+christian+jewish+policy&amp;sig=zzCuQuNS8V1B90ugUh3115uL8Xs   Lessons and Legacies: The Meaning of the Holocaust in a Changing World]'' (Northwestern University Press, 1999)
Here's another:
* The diatribes of St Chrysostom against the Jews were rivalled only by Hitler.
** Hyam Maccoby, ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=h6Wo5CIgk84C&amp;pg=PA18&amp;dq=hitler+chrysostom&amp;sig=Wmh7LvgoDud89rm0moDrCciNPNQ Antisemitism And Modernity: Innovation And Continuity]'' (Routledge 2006)
The direct intellectual lineage from Chrysostom to Hitler is standard, well-documented history in Christian antisemitism.  The poorly justified and poorly argued attempts to purge a page of quotations about Jesus of this history are whitewashing, pure and simple. [[User:Écrasez l&amp;#39;infâme|Écrasez l&amp;#39;infâme]] 21:42, 17 December 2007 (UTC)

==Quotes not about Jesus==
I removed all these, just a few of the many on the page not about Jesus himself, only to see them put right back:
:I'm hoping that [the defrauded faithful will] see that it's not necessary to look to some person to jerk you off to get off and put your belief in.
:MarJoe Gortner, one-time child evangelist who exposed the fraudulence of fundamentalist Christian sermons in America in the 1972 academy-award winning documentary MarJoe. He estimates that he raised $3 million (1960s) dollars in donations.
:Would you get out your checkbook tonight? … Bring what you would for JESUS tonight.
:MarJoe Gortner, one-time child evangelist who exposed the fraudulence of fundamentalist Christian sermons in America in the 1972 academy-award winning documentary MarJoe. He estimates that he raised $3 million (1960s) dollars in donations.
:[To an elderly women requesting a blessing.] Do you believe that the Lord's going to do it tonight? Do you believe that he's going to touch this condition? Say Yes Lord. Say THANK YOU JESUS! In the name of Jesus! In the name of JESUS! [Woman collapses in euphoria.] Thank you Jesus. Hallelujah!
:MarJoe Gortner, one-time child evangelist who exposed the fraudulence of fundamentalist Christian sermons in America in the 1972 academy-award winning documentary MarJoe. He estimates that he raised $3 million (1960s) dollars in donations.
::These are not about Jesus. He is only mentioned in passing.  I agree that there is a lot of dishonesty in religion, however this page is not about that.  It would be better to do something else with these quotes.
:When [Jesus] executes judgment over the world at Armageddon, he will destroy all but the faithful Jehovah's witnesses. [Jesus is then shown hurling fireballs that destroy New York City, breaking dams, causing fires, and murdering many people, including children]. Jesus, alias Michael, will always remain invisible to those on earth, and can be seen only by the 144,000 select Jehovah's witnesses who rule with Him from heaven.
:From a Jehovah's Witness's cartoon explaining Jesus.
::This one is mainly about Christ at his second coming, so not really about Jesus the historical person. Besides that it is of so low quality being one person's impression of something he or she saw on You-Tube.  I also think it is unfair to the JW's to use it as the only quote explaining their view of Jesus. Why not find something else that expresses the same idea?
:Every person is Christ for me, and since there is only one Jesus, that person is the one person in the world at that moment.
:Mother Teresa (1910-97)
::This is a nice quote. However it is about Mother Teresa herself and her feelings, not about Jesus.
:If I thought that the Jews killed God, I'd worship the Jews.
:Bill Hicks
::This seems to be saying that Mr. Hicks doesn't like God.  He has a perfect right to that opinion, however Jesus is not mentioned in the quote directly, just indirectly by referencing traditional Christian beliefs that he is God and the Jews killed him. So the quote is about God, or it is about Christian beliefs -- not about Jesus himself.[[User:Steve Dufour|Steve Dufour]] 20:58, 29 December 2007 (UTC)
:A lotta Christians wear crosses 'round their necks; do you think if Jesus comes back he ever wants to see another cross?
:Bill Hicks
::This is about the practice of wearing crosses. I happen to agree with Mr. Hicks here. However, it is not about Jesus since he said nothing about this and I don't think ever imagined that anyone would do such a thing, which in general would be against Jesus' own Jewish religion which prohibits idols.
::Thanks for your consideration on these. [[User:Steve Dufour|Steve Dufour]] 20:58, 29 December 2007 (UTC)

:I see that these quotes have been put back.  By that standard anything said about Christians or Christianity could be included as a quote about Jesus. Why not a quote about the chicken dinner served at church last Sunday after the service?  Would that be a quote about Jesus? [[User:Steve Dufour|Steve Dufour]] 01:52, 31 December 2007 (UTC)

== Proposed Edit ==

The first paragraph is as follows:
Jesus of Nazareth, also known as Jesus Christ, Yeshua, and Isa (8–2 BC/BCE to 29–36 AD/CE), is the central figure of Christianity, a philosopher, teacher, and martyr, believed to be the Messiah of ultimate salvation by followers of Christian traditions.

I would like to propose that it be rewritten as follows:
Jesus of Nazareth, also known as Jesus Christ, Yeshua, and Isa (8–2 BC/BCE to 29–36 AD/CE), is the central figure of Christianity, a philosopher, teacher, and martyr, believed to be the Messiah of ultimate salvation and the Son of God by the followers of traditional Christianity.

I suggest this on the basis that Jesus' traditional role as the Son of God isn't mentioned, suggesting a highly liberal stance.
&lt;small&gt;—The preceding [[Wikiquote:Sign your posts on talk pages|unsigned]] comment was added by [[User:70.188.37.184|70.188.37.184]] ([[User talk:70.188.37.184|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/70.188.37.184|contribs]]) 21:50, 20 March 2008  (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;&lt;!-- [Template:Unsigned2] --&gt;
:Hi, thank you for bringing up.  I support this addition, agreeing that the Son of God is also one of his traditional role in traditional Christianity, which is mentioned in the universal creed ([[w:Nicene Creed]]) as well as the role as Redeemer/Savior.   --[[User:Aphaia|Aphaia]] 06:57, 24 March 2008 (UTC)
:: I've no objection to the term &quot;Son of God&quot; being added to the intro description, and just added it, but I would retain the wording &quot;by followers of Christian traditions&quot; rather than the more absolutely exclusionist implications of &quot;by the followers of traditional Christianity&quot; — as their ''are'' other Christian traditions than those of the most prominent branches which don't use such terms as a unique designation for Jesus alone, any more than Jesus did. As is indicated many times in the New Testament, he referred to others as sons of God, and children of God, as in &quot;Blessed are the peacemakers; for they shall be called the children of God&quot;, &quot;whosoever shall do the will of my Father which is in heaven, the same is my brother, and sister, and mother&quot; and &quot;Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.&quot; The term &quot;son of God&quot; was also used even prior to the time of Jesus in referring to especially favored Jewish leaders, without any extraordinary lineage of direct descent implied, and he himself never referred to  himself as &quot;the only begotten son of God&quot; though the term was later applied quite prominently to his personal self by others, and such assertions did become part of the doctrines of the vast majority of Churches. ~ [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 10:33, 24 March 2008 (UTC)

== Move Jesus from people to literary works ==

There is no proof that there ever was such person as Jesus of Nazareth, so these quotes are from various versions of bible. Thus they belong to the section of literary works.
: {{unsigned|82.181.156.50}}  

:The overwhelming majority of experts agree that there is no doubt that Jesus was an historical person. Wikipedia has articles about [[w:Jesus|Jesus]] and [[w:Jesus myth hypothesis|Jesus myth hypothesis]]. Those who feel unsure (or want to introduce eccentric theories) are encouraged to turn to these articles. --[[User:Jonund|Jonund]] 21:01, 7 April 2008 (UTC)

::And even if Jesus is a fictional character, the sayings attributed to him have had, and have, a monumental cultural importance in the Western world. [[User:Steve Dufour|Steve Dufour]] 01:31, 18 April 2008 (UTC)

== Why Why why ==

Is Jesus here as philosopher. All those things are asumed to be writen by Luke and folks. And of that it doesn't seem to be sure if there was actualy just 2 sources for those too. Allready that should give the &quot;philosopher&quot; title to them if worth it. Which they aren't.
How about to quotes about jesus all this stuff that are in &quot;Jesus the Philosopher&quot;.
Just ridiculous.
Lets make Raskolnikov a philosopher shall we. Well now im insulting truely good stuff dragging it to this level.

==Quotes about Jesus vs. Quotes about Christianity==
There are a lot of quotes which are really about the beliefs of Christianity or about the actions and  character of Christian people hundreds of years after the life of Jesus himself. It would be better if these were put on a page for quotes about Christianity.  Would you put a quote about the Iraq War on the page for George Washington? [[User:Steve Dufour|Steve Dufour]] 17:02, 4 February 2009 (UTC)

== Do all the quotes about Jesus have to be against Jesus ==

I noticed how biased all the quotes about Jesus are &amp;ndash; most coming from self-described anti-theists. Quotes from anti-religion atheists outnumber quotes from theists by a large ratio. Moreover, quotes from neutral figures are purposely selected, with a great majority have negative saying about Jesus. I mean, whoever deed this went over the top. Neutrality is one of our key objectives. --[[Special:Contributions/96.232.60.222|96.232.60.222]] 23:41, 28 March 2009 (UTC)
:Welcome to Wikipedia…
::[[User:Azuizo|Azuizo]] 18:59, 2 July 2011 (UTC)

Exactly! Why are there 7 (Count them, SEVEN) quotes from, of all people, Bertrand Russell, about Jesus, when there is only one from C.S. Lewis?! It makes no sense at all! I know this isn't meant to be a fan page, but I think it is a bit excessive and very biased.
: Seems to me there's also a substantial number of quotes on this page literally deifying the man. In any case, if you know other quotable quotes by C. S. Lewis that belong here, please provide them. ~ [[User:Robin Lionheart|Robin Lionheart]] ([[User talk:Robin Lionheart|talk]]) 00:54, 8 December 2013 (UTC)

== Quotes of Jesus in Hadith ==
I'm no Muslim, but I came across these quotes from various Hadiths(?) and was curious if someone thinks enough of them to add them into the article. (Particularly the one marked A.61, M. 62)[http://www.thenazareneway.com/christ_in_islam/ascetic_sayings_of_jesus.htm The Ascetic Sayings of Jesus] [[Special:Contributions/98.71.143.115|98.71.143.115]] 01:47, 18 April 2009 (UTC)


Some more Haidths which should be added in the article are:

Sahih Bukhari: Volume 3, Book 34, Number 425: 
Narrated Abu Huraira: 

Allah's Apostle said, &quot;By Him in Whose Hands my soul is, son of Mary (Jesus) will shortly descend amongst you people (Muslims) as a just ruler and will break the Cross and kill the pig and abolish the Jizya (a tax taken from the non-Muslims, who are in the protection, of the Muslim government). Then there will be abundance of money and no-body will accept charitable gifts. 


Sahih Bukhari: Volume 4, Book 55, Number 644: 
Narrated 'Ubada: 

The Prophet said, &quot;If anyone testifies that None has the right to be worshipped but Allah Alone Who has no partners, and that Muhammad is His Slave and His Apostle, and that Jesus is Allah's Slave and His Apostle and His Word which He bestowed on Mary and a Spirit created by Him, and that Paradise is true, and Hell is true, Allah will admit him into Paradise with the deeds which he had done even if those deeds were few.&quot; (Junada, the sub-narrator said, &quot; 'Ubada added, 'Such a person can enter Paradise through any of its eight gates he likes.&quot;) 


Sahih Bukhari: Volume 4, Book 55, Number 651: 
Narrated Abu Huraira: 

I heard Allah's Apostle saying, &quot;I am the nearest of all the people to the son of Mary, and all the prophets are paternal brothers, and there has been no prophet between me and him (i.e. Jesus).&quot; 

Sahih Bukhari: Volume 4, Book 55, Number 658: 
Narrated Abu Huraira: 

Allah's Apostle said &quot;How will you be when the son of Mary (i.e. Jesus) descends amongst you and he will judge people by the Law of the Quran and not by the law of Gospel (Fateh-ul Bari page 304 and 305 Vol 7) 


Sahih Bukhari: Volume 4, Book 55, Number 653: 
Narrated Abu Huraira: 

The Prophet said, &quot;Jesus, seeing a man stealing, asked him, 'Did you steal?, He said, 'No, by Allah, except Whom there is None who has the right to be worshipped' Jesus said, 'I believe in Allah and suspect my eyes.&quot; 

Sahih Bukhari: Volume 4, Book 55, Number 654: 
Narrated 'Umar: 

I heard the Prophet saying, &quot;Do not exaggerate in praising me as the Christians praised the son of Mary, for I am only a Slave. So, call me the Slave of Allah and His Apostle.&quot;

== The Jehovah's Witnesses cartoon ==

I was going to delete this but the page is locked.

There's a particular section describing a cartoon allegedly produced by the Jehovah's Witnesses that shows Jesus blowing up a lot of stuff.

The link given to the cartoon is to YouTube. The YouTube video does not purport to be a cartoon produced by the Jehovah's Witnesses, but rather by someone who is claiming that this is what the JWs believe. Either way, there's no proof that this is a real JW cartoon and there is no legitimate sourcing here. For these reasons it should be deleted. [[Special:Contributions/137.99.32.125|137.99.32.125]] 19:52, 2 November 2009 (UTC)
: I have trimmed out some comments inserted into the quote, and the erroneous comments about it. That many people don't seem to clearly discern this to be a rather bitter satirization of the theology of Jehovah's Witness rather than a promotion of them is itself rather alarming, but I have not removed the quote or link, though better sourcing of the actual title of this cartoon and its publication date and authors is certainly desirable. ~ [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 20:31, 2 November 2009 (UTC)


== Christopher Hitchens quote  ==
That Christopher Hitchens quote seems overlong and only tangentially related to the topic.

== Deletion ==
As per the general rules about fictional characters, this article should be deleted, and select quotes should be taken from it and merged into an article about &quot;Holy Bible&quot;.  I have done numerous searches on other fictional characters, and the only one I could find was for Jean-Luc Picard, which has a &quot;proposal to be merged into star Trek: The Next Generation&quot; template at the header.  All quotes from fictional characters should be listed under the works they came from, and should not have an article titled after the character.[[User:RayvnEQ|RayvnEQ]] 16:04, 2 September 2010 (UTC)
: Even if one took the [[Christ myth theory|characterization]] seriously, this subject would fall within the [[Wikiquote:Fictional characters|Fictional characters]] guideline's exceptions. ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] 17:22, 2 September 2010 (UTC)
:: Can you prove that Jesus was fictional? '''RayvnEQ:''' '' '''No, I can't.''' '' I thought so. So before you go about sprouting nonsense from your backside, you should really learn to research about things before you dismiss them. I think you'll find that more and more atheists are beginning to believe that a man named Jesus did indeed exist who preached about God. This is because of the overwhelming evidence for His existence. Even other religions teach about Jesus - specifically Him performing miracles. That's all that needs to be said really. Have fun raging. Christianity is the biggest religion in the world for a reason and there's nothing you can do to stop that. :) God bless you. But before I go, I shall leave you with this quote: ''Of course, only a lunatic fringe has ever thought that Jesus did not exist at all.'' - Bernard McGinn --[[User:RichardDarkinsMadMan|RichardDarkinsMadMan]] 16:07, 8 February 2011 (UTC)
::: Contrary to what you may have been told, we do not actually have “overwhelming evidence for [Jesus's] existence”, nor has a man behind the myths ever been proven to exist. That the Abrahamic religions have shared myths does not establish their historicity. (They also share myths about imaginary characters like Adam and Eve.) Jesus’s existence is moot. 
::: Regardless of whether or not Jesus existed, if we are careful to not attribute words attributed to Jesus to Jesus directly, having an article for Jesus accords with Wikiquote’s [[Wikiquote:Fictional characters|fictional characters]] policy. ~ [[User:Robin Lionheart|Robin Lionheart]] ([[User talk:Robin Lionheart|talk]]) 01:08, 8 October 2013 (UTC)

== Notes re [[w:John Wenham|John W Wenham,]] (1984, 1992, 2005), [[Jesus#WenhamJW2005|&quot;Easter Enigma - are the Resurrection Accounts in Conflict?&quot;  Chapters 7 to 11.]] ==

1)  Where God has only given us some pieces of the jigsaw, we currently have no unique solution to the remainder.  That is, multiple theories are possible, provided they are all consistent with all four gospels.

2)  &quot;As the two appearances [of the Saviour] are distinct, that to Mary Magdalene must be put first (as Mark 16:9 says) and the second must be put at a sufficient interval after the women's flight from the tomb to allow for all the comings and goings recorded by John....  One must picture this [second] meeting [Matthew 28:9,10 &quot;Jesus met them&quot;] somewhere on the track between Jerusalem and Bethany....&quot;  (Wenham 2005 p95f.)

This important conclusion of Wenham that the meeting of Matthew 28:9,10 occurred on a track between Jerusalem and surrounding villages depends only on two assumptions.  First, that sufficient disciples were staying in villages outside the city for women to go there - it is almost certainly false to claim that all were lodging in the city, especially since Jerusalem city may have been packed for Passover, and Martha and her family were at Bethany.  Second, that Peter and John were in the city on the first Easter Sunday morning - John was known to the High Priest, that is, he had connections with the city, or Peter and John might have accompanied women who left a village while it was still dark.
[[User:Patrick Hamilton|Patrick Hamilton]] 22:24, 26 February 2011 (UTC)

== typo  ==

don't want to register but &quot;beautitudes&quot; ought to be &quot;beatitudes.&quot; although they are quite beautific...

== History ==
There's something strange on the history of the article, especially edits marked with &quot;Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations&quot;. It slightly disrupt the page history reading. Is it because of some page history merge? [[User:Bennylin|Benny Lin]] ([[User talk:Bennylin|talk]]) 12:18, 30 November 2012 (UTC)
:Never mind that question. I think the history got merged. [[User:Bennylin|Benny Lin]] ([[User talk:Bennylin|talk]]) 12:30, 30 November 2012 (UTC)
:: Yep, it was a history merge. The result is confusing because overlapping histories were merged in a single operation. ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] ([[User talk:Ningauble|talk]]) 17:55, 30 November 2012 (UTC)

== Two quotes at issue. ==

I disagree with the inclusion of the following two quotes on this page:

* So far as I can remember, there's not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence.
** [[w:Bertrand Russell|Bertrand Russell]], cited in {{cite video | people=[[w:Jonathan Miller|Jonathan Miller]] |title=[[w:Atheism:_A_Rough_History_of_Disbelief|A Brief History of Disbelief]] | medium=TV-Series | publisher=[[w:BBC Four|BBC Four]]| date=2004 | url=http://www.veoh.com/series/briefhistoryofdisbelief }}

*I believe in the redemptive death and resurrection of Jesus Christ.
**[[Barack Obama]] [http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2008/januaryweb-only/104-32.0.html?start=1 Q &amp; A: Barack Obama] Interview in Christianity Today [[2008-01-22]]

The Russell quote is not about &quot;Jesus&quot;, and is therefore inappropriately placed. The Obama quote is mundane, and unoriginal - see, e.g., George Angus Fulton Knight, ''Jews and Christians: Preparation for Dialogue'' (1965), p. 103: &quot;It is precisely such an event that we have '''in the redemptive death and resurrection of Jesus Christ'''&quot;, which is a much earlier use of almost exactly the same phrasing. Putting &quot;I believe&quot; in front of it does not make it an original sentiment, nor does it make it particularly quotable. It might belong on the [[Barack Obama]] page, but we don't need to gather here every instance of a world leader saying &quot;I am a believer in X religion/Y doctrine&quot;. [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 21:16, 2 October 2013 (UTC)
: I see that these have now been removed. Cheers! [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 12:49, 4 October 2013 (UTC)
:: No worries. Would have moved the Russell quote, but it already had a more appropriate listing under [[The Bible]], so I simply deleted it here. ~ [[User:Robin Lionheart|Robin Lionheart]] ([[User talk:Robin Lionheart|talk]]) 12:51, 4 October 2013 (UTC)

== Shakespearean ==
Why Is Jesus talking in Shakespearean in so many of the quotes?

== Need source that meets Wikiquote source guidelines==

* Christ is not God, not the saviour of the world, but a mere man, a sinful man, and an abominable idol. All who worship him are abominable idolaters. And Christ did not rise again from death to life nor did he ascend into heaven.
**Matthew Hammond, burned at the stake by the [[w:Bishop of Norwich|Bishop of Norwich]] on 20&amp;nbsp;May 1579, cited in {{cite video | people=[[w:Jonathan Miller|Jonathan Miller]] |title=[[w:Atheism:_A_Rough_History_of_Disbelief|A Brief History of Disbelief]] | medium=TV-Series | publisher=[[w:BBC Four|BBC Four]]| date=2004 | url=http://www.veoh.com/series/briefhistoryofdisbelief }}

== Unsourced ==
* I am absolutely convinced that no amount of wealth in the world can help humanity move forward, even in the hands of the most devoted worker. The example of great and pure individuals is the only thing that can lead us to noble thoughts and deeds. Money only appeals to selfishness and irresistably invites abuse. Can anyone imagine Moses, Jesus or Ghandi armed with the money-bags of [[Andrew Carnegie|Carnegie]]?
** [[Albert Einstein]]

* When Jesus was nailed to the cross, how was it that he could, in spite of so much pain and suffering, pray that those who nailed him should be forgiven? When an ordinary coconut is pierced through the shell, the nail enters the kernel of the nut. But in the case of the dry nut the kernel becomes separate from the shell; and when the shell is pierced, the kernel is not touched. Jesus was like the dry nut; his inner soul was separate from his physical shell. Consequently the sufferings of the body did not affect him. Though the nails were driven through and through, he could pray with calm tranquility for the good of his enemies.
** [[Ramakrishna Paramahamsa]]

* Every person is Christ for me, and since there is only one Jesus, that person is the one person in the world at that moment.
** [[Mother Teresa]] (1910–97)

*'''The honorable Elijah Muhammed teaches us that Jesus did not have blond hair and blue eyes. The honorable Elijah Muhammed teaches us that the images of Jesus that are on prison walls and churches throughout the world are not historically correct because history teaches us that Jesus was born in a region where the people had color.'''
**[[Malcolm X]], in [[Malcolm X (film)]]
:Note: [[Malcolm X]] is not the author of the film, ''[[Malcolm X (film)|Malcolm X]]''; this quote must be identified in his speeches or writings to be considered sourced. [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 18:52, 14 May 2015 (UTC)

== This Page is Full of Irrelevant and in Some Cases Deliberately Misleading Quotes ==

Many of these quotes either only passingly or tangentially reference Jesus (some not even doing that), or else are just quotes about Christianity by various historical Christian or anti-Christian figures, which would better belong on the page dedicated to Christianity. It so happens that many of these quotes seem to be very intentionally handpicked so as to convey a particular point of view. At least one of these quotes, the one from Augustine's Confessions, is both irrelevant and misleading:

* 'How hateful to me are the enemies of your Scripture! How I wish that you would slay them [the Jews] with your two-edged sword, so that there should be none to oppose your word! Gladly would I have them die to themselves and live to you!&quot;

Not only does the rest of this passage not so much as mention the Jews, but I can't even find the translation that this particular quote comes from anywhere else. The only versions that I've found read instead:

* &quot;Oh, if Thou wouldest slay them with Thy two-edged sword [i.e. the Old and New Testaments], that they be not its enemies! For thus do I love, that they should be slain unto themselves that they may live unto Thee.&quot;

I can't see any other possibility than that someone was being deliberately dishonest here. The passage also contains no direct reference to Jesus whatsoever, so there is zero reason to include it here other than to paint a very particular portrait of Christianity, which is clearly what is intended.
Many other similarly handpicked quotes, like that of Peter the Venerable, are not primarily about Jesus and don't tell us anything about what these people actually thought about Jesus himself, but do serve a pretty clear propagandistic purpose.

The Jehovah's Witnesses quote cites a long-since-deleted YouTube video that seems included solely for the purpose of whoever sourced it being able to describe the many bad deeds Jesus does in this video.

Once again, I think the POV is pretty obvious here. Even if you can defend the inclusion of some of these quotes, I would hope most people would agree that this article could use some serious cleaning up and that at least the Augustine quote ought to be removed. [[Special:Contributions/135.129.242.103|135.129.242.103]] 05:23, 24 November 2021 (UTC)

== Contentions on  the authenticity of the passages on [[w:Jesus and the woman taken in adultery|Jesus and the woman taken in adultery]] ==

&quot;Let he who is without sin&quot; did not appear in John until the 10th century, so I started a 'misattributed' section for it. [[User:Kwamikagami|Kwamikagami]] ([[User talk:Kwamikagami|talk]]) 05:03, 12 August 2022 (UTC)
:: I am restoring this to it's previous placement, but will add a note on contentions about it. There have been long standing disputes and debates about this passage, as [[w:Jesus and the woman taken in adultery|the Wikipedia article on it]] testifies, but there are certainly no competent commentators who date it so late as the 10th century, and though it is not found among the earliest currently available manuscripts, strong evidence of contentions about it's absence in some manuscripts date as early as the 300s, including those of [[Augustine of Hippo]] who believed that it was deliberately ''omitted'' from some manuscripts so as to not encourage adultery; some of the earliest available texts could date from around that time, but more recent textual lineage comparisons deem its existence to date at least as early as manuscripts of the 200s or 100s likely. '''To believe it to be likely a misattribution can be argued, or argued against, with varying levels of competence, but that it is ''certainly is'' or ''certainly is not'' either genuine or misattributed goes beyond available evidence.''' ~ &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 06:02, 12 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>agx6e62yog9ffpxnaf5lr1khb1j1xzv</sha1>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Parenting</title>
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      <text bytes="21401" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Pomnik Jana Pawła II w Żninie.jpg|thumb|Parents have the first responsibility for the education of their children. ~ ''[[Catechism of the Catholic Church]]'']]
[[File:Emblem of the Catechism of the Catholic Church.jpg|thumb|Parents should teach children to avoid the compromising and degrading influences which threaten human societies. ~ ''[[Catechism of the Catholic Church]]'']]
[[File:Tablet V of the Epic of Gilgamesh.jpg|thumb|Cherish the children your love gave life. ~ ''[[Epic of Gilgamesh]]'']]
[[File:Sumerian 26th c Adab.jpg|thumb|[H]e who does not support a child, has no cause for celebration. ~ [[Sumerian proverb]]]]
'''[[w:Parenting|Parenting]]''' or '''child rearing''' is the process of promoting and supporting the [[w:physical fitness|physical]], [[emotion]]al, [[w:social development|social]], and [[w:Intellectual development|intellectual]] [[development]] of a [[child]] from [[infant|infancy]] to [[adult]]hood.
__NOTOC__
{{TOCalpha}}
== B ==
*What ... should be the effort on the part of parents and educators?...
:1. An atmosphere of love, wherein fear is cast out and the child realises he has no cause for timidity, shyness or caution, and one in which he receives courteous treatment at the hands of others, and is expected also to render equally courteous treatment in return...
:2. An atmosphere of patience, wherein the child can become, normally and naturally, a seeker after the light of knowledge; wherein he is sure of always meeting with a quick response to inquiry, and a careful reply to all questions, and wherein there is never the sense of speed or hurry... Impatience on the part of those upon whom they are so pathetically dependent, sows in them the seeds of irritation, and more lives are ruined by irritation than can be counted.
:3. An atmosphere of ordered activity, wherein the child can learn the first rudiments of responsibility...  the shouldering of small duties and the sharing of responsibilities is a potent factor in determining a child's character and future vocation.
:4. An atmosphere of understanding, wherein a child is always sure that the reasons and motives for his actions will be recognized, and that those who are his older associates will always comprehend the nature of his motivating impulses, even though they may not always approve of what he has done, or of his activities.
:*[[Alice Bailey]]  ''Education in the New Age'' (1954)

*It is the older generation who foster in a child an early and most unnecessary sense of guilt, of sinfulness and of wrongdoing. So much emphasis is laid upon petty little things that are not really wrong, but are annoying to the parent or teacher, that a true sense of wrong (which is the recognition of failure to preserve right relations with the group) gets overlaid and is not recognized for what it is. The many small and petty sins, imposed upon the children by the constant reiteration of &quot;No&quot;, by the use of the word &quot;naughty&quot;, and based largely on parental failure to understand and occupy the child, are of no real moment. If these aspects of the child's life are rightly handled, then the truly wrong things, the infringements upon the rights of others, . . . the hurting or damaging of others in order to achieve personal gain, will emerge in right perspective and at the right time.
**[[Alice Bailey]]  ''Education in the New Age'' (1954)

* Mrs. Darling first heard of Peter when she was tidying up her children's minds.  It is the nightly custom of every good mother after her children are asleep to rummage through their minds and put things straight for next morning, repacking into their proper places the many articles that have wandered during the day.  If you could keep awake (but of course you can't) you would see your own mother doing this, and you would find it very interesting to watch her.  It is quite like tidying up drawers.  You would see her on her knees, I expect, lingering humorously over some of your contents, wondering where on earth you had picked this thing up, making discoveries sweet and not so sweet, pressing this to her cheek as if it were a kitten, and hurriedly stowing that out of sight.  When you wake up in the morning, the naughtiness and evil passions with which you went to bed have been folded up small and placed at the bottom of your mind; and on the top, beautifully aired, are spread out your prettier thoughts, ready for you to put on.
** [[J. M. Barrie]], ''[[w:Peter Pan|Peter Pan]]'' (1904).

* I am now the father of four. In the tradition of my mother, my wife and I read individually to them every night. As a result, they love books too. There is no greater tool for bonding with children than books. There is no greater instrument for teaching lessons for life. Now my children reach for books before they reach for the remote control.
** [[w:Jeff Benedict|Jeff Benedict]] in [[w:R.J. Julia Booksellers|Roxanne J. Coady]] and Joy Johannessen (eds.) ''The Book That Changed My Life'' (2006), {{ISBN|1-592-40210-0}}, p. 21

* Let France have good mothers, and she will have good sons.
** [[Napoleon Bonaparte]], reported in Josiah Hotchkiss Gilbert, ''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895), p. 441.

* The greatest gift you can bestow upon your children is your time and undivided attention.
** Jim Brozina, in Alice Ozma, ''The Reading Promise'' {{ISBN|978-0-441-01179-7}} (2011), Foreward, p. xiv

==C==
* Parents have the first responsibility for the education of their children. They bear witness to this responsibility first by creating a home where tenderness, forgiveness, respect, fidelity, and disinterested service are the rule. The home is well suited for education in the virtues. This requires an apprenticeship in self-denial, sound judgment, and self-mastery &amp;mdash; the preconditions of all true freedom. Parents should teach their children to subordinate the &quot;material and instinctual dimensions to interior and spiritual ones.&quot; Parents have a grave responsibility to give good example to their children. By knowing how to acknowledge their own failings to their children, parents will be better able to guide and correct them.
** ''[[Catechism of the Catholic Church]]'' (1992), § 2223

* Parents should teach children to avoid the compromising and degrading influences which threaten human societies.
** ''[[Catechism of the Catholic Church]]'' (1992), § 2224

* I learned the right way to live from my parents. I never heard any hate in my house. I never heard my father say a mean word to my mother, or my mother to my father, either. During the war, when food was hard to get, my parents fed their children first and they ate what was left. They always thought of us.
** [[Roberto Clemente]], as quoted in &quot;Clemente, 32, Pays Tribute to Parents&quot; by Les Biederman, in ''The Sporting News'' (September 3, 1966), p. 12

==G==
* “There’s a moment of disrecognition that I think occurs for all new parents. One minute you’re looking at your child lovingly, marveling how lucky you are; the very next instant you’re wondering, ‘Who let this loathsome reptilian thing into my life? Whose good idea was this?’ Eventually the perception shifts again, this time stabilizing into a more natural and permanent state. This isn't a loathsome reptilian thing after all; it's just a short person with some serious opinions of its own. And it expects to be listened to. Parenting is the acceptance of that other person's existence as a person, not a thing.”
** [[David Gerrold]], Introduction to ''[[w:The Martian Child|The Martian Child]],'' in Pamela Sargent (ed.) ''Nebula Awards 30,'' p. 151 (originally published in [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Magazine_of_Fantasy_%26_Science_Fiction The Magazine of Fantasy &amp; Science Fiction], September 1994)

* “What’s the matter?”&lt;br&gt;“What if I'm really ''not'' good enough?” I said. “That’s what I'm worried about—I can’t shake that feeling.”&lt;br&gt;“Oh, that—” she said, lightly. ''“That’s'' normal. That’s the proof that you’re going to do okay. It’s only those parents who don’t worry who need to.”
** [[David Gerrold]], ''[[w:The Martian Child|The Martian Child]],'' in Pamela Sargent (ed.) ''Nebula Awards 30,'' p. 159 (originally published in [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Magazine_of_Fantasy_%26_Science_Fiction The Magazine of Fantasy &amp; Science Fiction], September 1994)

==H==
* The commonest fallacy among women is that simply having children makes one a mother, which is as absurd as believing that having a piano makes one a musician.
**[[w:Sydney J. Harris|Sidney J. Harris]], as reported in ''The Westminster Collection of Christian Quotations'' (Westminster John Knox Press: 2001), p. 253

* When we talk of parental influence we do not think of terror in connection with it—that is not the primary idea—it is not terror and coercion, but kindness and affection, which may bias the child's mind, and induce the child to do that which may be highly imprudent, and which, if the child were properly protected, he would never do.
** [[William Wood, 1st Baron Hatherley]], L.C., ''Turner v. Collins'' (1871), L. R. 7 Ch. Ap. Ca. 340; reported in James William Norton-Kyshe, ''Dictionary of Legal Quotations'' (1904), p. 188.

==K==
* When parents know how to assign the task with authority, when the coachman knows from seasoned experience how to assign the task, it is indescribably helpful. So it is also for the adult when the task is firmly set with the authority of eternity, which is indescribably helpful in carrying out the task. If a child is so unfortunate as to have a father who does not know how to command, or the horses a second-rate driver, it seems as if the child and the horses would not have half of the powers they actually do have. Alas, and when the adult who is the sufferer surrenders his soul to the power of vacillation, he is actually weaker than a child. But then it is indeed also a joy that hardship is the road, because then the task is immediately at hand and stands unshakably fixed and firm. Hardship is the road-''and this is the joy: that it is not a quality of the road that it is hard, but it is a quality of the hardship that it is the road; therefore the hardship must lead to something; it must be passable and practicable, not suprahuman.''
** [[Søren Kierkegaard]] ''Upbuilding Discourses in Various Spirits'', Hong p. 299-300 (1847)

* I suppose that every parent loves his child; but I know, without any supposing, that in a large number of homes the love is hidden behind authority, or its expression is crowded out by daily duties and cares.
** [[Abbott Eliot Kittredge]], reported in Josiah Hotchkiss Gilbert, ''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895), p. 442.

==L==
* Long before a thermonuclear war can come about, we have had to lay waste our own sanity. We begin with the children. It is imperative to catch them in time. Without the most thorough and rapid brainwashing their dirty minds would see through our dirty tricks. Children are not yet fools, but we shall turn them into imbeciles like ourselves, with high I.Q.s if possible.
:From the moment of birth, when the Stone Age baby confronts the twentieth-century mother, the baby is subjected to these forces of violence, called love, as its mother and father, and their parents and their parents before them, have been. These forces are mainly concerned with destroying most of its potentialities, and on the whole this enterprise is successful.
:* [[R. D. Laing]], ''The Politics of Experience'' (1967), p. 58

* They fuck you up, your mum and dad.&lt;br&gt;&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;They may not mean to, but they do.&lt;br&gt;They fill you with the faults they had&lt;br&gt;&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;And add some extra, just for you.
* But they were fucked up in their turn&lt;br&gt;&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;By fools in old-style hats and coats,&lt;br&gt;Who half the time were soppy-stern&lt;br&gt;&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;And half at one another's throats.
* Man hands on misery to man.&lt;br&gt;&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;It deepens like a coastal shelf.&lt;br&gt;Get out as early as you can,&lt;br&gt;&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;And don't have any kids yourself.
** [[Philip Larkin]], &quot;This Be The Verse,&quot; ''High Windows'' (1974)

* The height of parental maturity is, of course, to learn to live with your child as he is—even if he is just like you.
** Sam Levenson, ''Everything but Money''

* A father would do well, as his son grows up, and is capable of it, to talk familiarly with him; nay, ask his advice, and consult with him about those things wherein he has any knowledge or understanding. By this, the father will gain two things, both of great moment. The sooner you treat him as a man, the sooner he will begin to be one; and if you admit him into serious discourses sometimes with you, you will insensibly raise his mind above the usual amusements of youth, and those trifling occupations which it is commonly wasted in. For it is easy to observe, that many young men continue longer in thought and conversation of school-boys than otherwise they would, because their parents keep them at that distance, and in that low rank, by all their carriage to them.
** [[John Locke]], ''Some Thoughts Concerning Education'' (1693), § 95

==R==
* Parental feeling, as I have experienced it, is very complex. There is, first and foremost, sheer animal affection, and delight in watching what is charming in the ways of the young. Next, there is the sense of inescapable responsibility, providing a purpose for daily activities which skepticism does not easily question. Then there is an egoistic element, which is very dangerous: the hope that one's children may succeed where one has failed, that they may carry on one's work when death or senility puts an end to one's own efforts, and, in any case, that they will supply a biological escape from death, making one's own life part of the whole stream, and not a mere stagnant puddle without any overflow into the future. All this I experienced, and for some years it filled my life with happiness and peace.
** [[Bertrand Russell]], in ''[[The Autobiography of Bertrand Russell|Autobiography]]'' (1967-1969), Ch. 11: Second Marriage.

==S==
* Kids are a great analogy. You want your kids to grow up and you don't want your kids to grow up. And you can't have it both ways. You want your kids to become independent of you, but it's also in a way a parent's worst nightmare: for them to not need you. So, how do you reconcile those two very strong emotions? You don't. You live with that problem. It's the real tragedy of parenting. And maybe there's some sense in which in art you can have it both ways whereas in life you can't.
**[[Jonathan Safran Foer]], in &quot;Those Things Tumbling Around Inside&quot; (2013)

* Walter Slezak says he's tired of arguing with his kids about borrowing the [[car]]. '''&quot;The next time I want it,&quot;''' he says, '''&quot;I'm just going to take it.&quot;'''
**[[Walter Slezak]], as paraphrased and quoted in &quot;Gag Bag&quot; by Larry Wolters, in ''The Chicago Tribune'' (September 1, 1963), Sec. 6, pg. 9 

* '''Cherish the children your love gave life.'''
** {{w|Siduri}} to [[Gilgamesh]], in the ''[[Epic of Gilgamesh]]'', [[w:Epic of Gilgamesh#Sippar tablet|Sippar tablet]] ([[w:Epic of Gilgamesh#Old Babylonian versions|Old Babylonian]])

* Parenting is the science of art of upbringing children.
** [[Simon Soloveychik]] in ''Parenting for Everyone'', (1996).

* Have [[children]] to your heart's content.
** [[Sumerian proverb]], [http://etcsl.orinst.ox.ac.uk/proverbs/t.6.1.01.html Collection I] at {{w|The Electronic Text Corpus of Sumerian Literature}}, {{w|3rd millennium BC}}.

* [H]e who does not support a child, has no cause for [[celebration]].
** [[Sumerian proverb]], [http://etcsl.orinst.ox.ac.uk/proverbs/t.6.1.01.html Collection I] at {{w|The Electronic Text Corpus of Sumerian Literature}}, {{w|3rd millennium BC}}.

* Marrying is [[human]]. Having children is [[divine]].
** [[Sumerian proverb]], [http://etcsl.orinst.ox.ac.uk/proverbs/t.6.1.01.html Collection I] at {{w|The Electronic Text Corpus of Sumerian Literature}}, {{w|3rd millennium BC}}.

==T==
*Many children harbor hidden anger and resentment toward their parents and often the cause is inauthenticity in the relationship. The child has a deep longing for the parent to be there as a human being, not as a [[role]], no matter how conscientiously that role is being played. you may be doing all the right things and the best you can for your child, but even doing the best you can is not enough.
**[[Eckhart Tolle]], in ''[[A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose]]'' (2005)

*Children in particular find strong negative emotions too overwhelming to cope with and tend to try not to feel them. In the absence of a fully conscious adult who guides them with love and compassionate understanding into facing the emotion directly, choosing not to feel it is indeed the only option for the child at that time. Unfortunately, that early defense mechanism usually remains in place when the child becomes an adult.
**[[Eckhart Tolle]], in ''A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose'' (2005)

*Children's painbodies sometimes manifest as moodiness or withdrawal. The child becomes sullen, refuses to interact, and may sit in a corner, hugging a doll or sucking a thumb. They can also manifest as weeping fits or temper tantrums. The child screams, may throw him or herself on the floor, or become destructive. Thwarted wanting can easily trigger the painbody, and in a developing ego, the force of wanting can be  intense. Parents may watch helplessly in incomprehension and disbelief as their little angel becomes transformed within a few seconds into a little monster. 
**[[Eckhart Tolle]], in ''A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose'' (2005)

*Highly sensitive children are particularly affected by their parents' painbodies. Having to witness their parents' insane drama causes almost unbearable emotional pain, and so it is often these sensitive children who grow into adults with heavy painbodies.  Children are not fooled by parents who try to hide their painbody from them, who say to each other, “We mustn't fight in front of the children.”   This usually means while the parents make polite conversation, the home is pervaded with negative energy.
**[[Eckhart Tolle]], in ''A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose'' (2005)

*While the child is having a painbody attack, there isn't much you can do except to stay present so that you are not drawn into an emotional reaction. The child's painbody would only feed on it. Painbodies can be extremely dramatic. Don't buy into the drama. Don't take it too seriously. If the painbody was triggered by thwarted wanting, don't give in now to its demands. Otherwise, the child will learn: “The more unhappy I become, the more likely I am to get what I want.” This is a recipe for dysfunction in later life. The painbody will be frustrated by your nonreaction and may briefly act up even more before it subsides. Fortunately, painbody episodes in children are usually more shortlived than in adults.
**[[Eckhart Tolle]], in ''A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose'' (2005)

==W==
* You that are parents, discharge your duty; though you cannot impart grace to your children, yet you may impart knowledge. Let your children know the commandments of God. &quot;Ye shall teach them your children.&quot; You are careful to leave your children a portion; leave the oracles of heaven with them; instruct them in the law of God. If God spake all these words, you may well speak them over again to your children.
** [[Thomas Watson (Puritan)|Thomas Watson]], reported in Josiah Hotchkiss Gilbert, ''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895), p. 441.

==Z==
* The more boring a child is, the more the parents, when showing off the child, receive adulation for being good parents-- because they have a tame child-creature in their house.
** [[Frank Zappa]] in ''[[w:Mojo (magazine)|Mojo Magazine]]'' (1993).

* Your Lord has ordained that you must not worship anything other than Him and that you must be kind to your parents. If either or both of your parents should become advanced in age, do not express to them words which show your slightest disappointment. Never yell at them but always speak to them with kindness.&lt;br&gt;Be humble and merciful towards them and say, &quot;Lord, have mercy upon them as they cherished me in my childhood.&quot; 
** [[Quran]], [[w:Al-Isra|17:23-24]]

* Every young adult has the potential power to help the entire world. He just needs the right guidance and support. A garden with different flowers becomes beautiful when it blossoms. Similarly, if parents learn how to be a ‘gardener’ and are able to recognize their child's personality and nourish it, then their ‘garden’ will become fragrant! This is what positive parenting is all about!
** ''[[w:Dada Bhagwan|Dada Bhagwan]]'' in [https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Dr_Sanyal/publication/344191352_110-PARENT---CHILD-INTERACTION-IN-THE-DEVELOPMENT-OF-A-JUVENILE'S-PERSONALITY/links/5f5a25b592851c078958be43/110-PARENT---CHILD-INTERACTION-IN-THE-DEVELOPMENT-OF-A-JUVENILES-PERSONALITY.pdf] '' PARENT – CHILD INTERACTION IN THE DEVELOPMENT OF A JUVENILE’S PERSONALITY'' (2019), p. 100.

== See also ==
* [[Children]]
* [[Family]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
{{wiktionary|parenting}}

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'''''[[w:The Lion King|The Lion King]]''''' is a [[w:1994 in film|1994]] Disney animated film in which an [[W:masai lion|East African lion]] cub and heir to the throne of Pride Rock learns his place in [[W:East Africa|Africa]]'s [[W:Tanzania|Tanzania]]'s [[W:Serengeti|Serengeti]]. Tricked into thinking he killed his father, he flees into exile and abandons his identity as the future King, only to return years later to face his past.
: ''Directed by [[w:Roger Allers|Roger Allers]] &amp; [[w:Rob Minkoff|Rob Minkoff]]. Screenplay by [[w:Irene Mecchi|Irene Mecchi]], [[w:Jonathan Roberts|Jonathan Roberts]], and [[w:Linda Woolverton|Linda Woolverton]]. Songs by [[w:Tim Rice|Tim Rice]] and [[Elton John]].

==Pumbaa==
* They call me ''MISTER WARTHOG!'' ''[looses a war cry]''
* Hey, Timon! You better come look. I think he's still alive.

== Simba ==
* ''[calls out to the sky]'' Mmm! Yummy! You look delicious, sky. I wanna eat you!
* Little roar.. ''[scoffs]''
* Run.. run away, Scar.. and '''''never''''' return!

== Scar ==
* ''[to a [[w:mouse|mouse]] he is about to eat]'' Life's not fair, is it? You see, I... well, I shall never be king. And you... shall never see the light of another day. Adieu.

* ''[digs his claws into Mufasa's paws]'' Long live the king. ''[throws Mufasa off the cliff]''

* Run away, Simba. Run. Run away, and never return.

* Mufasa's death was a terrible tragedy. But to lose Simba, who had barely begun to live... For me, it is a deep personal loss. So it is with a heavy heart that I assume the throne. Yet, out of the ashes of this tragedy, we shall rise to greet the dawning of a new era, in which [[w:lion|lion]] and [[w:hyena|hyena]] come together in a great and glorious future!

== Dialogue ==
[[File:Serengeti, Tanzania (2337070731).jpg|thumb|When we die, our bodies become the grass, and the [[w:antelope|antelope]] eat the grass. And so we are all connected in the great Circle of Life.]]
: '''Scar''': ''[Sarcastically overjoyed]'' Why! If it isn't my big brother descending from on high to mingle with the commoners.
: '''Mufasa''': Sarabi and I didn't see you at the presentation of Simba.
: '''Scar''': ''[Faking astonishment]'' That was ''TODAY?!'' Oh, I feel simply awful... ''[He turns and start scraping his claws on the rock wall. Zazu cringes at the sound. Admiring his claws]'' ...Must have slipped my mind.
: '''Zazu''': Yes, well, as slippery as your mind is, as the king's brother, you should have been ''FIRST'' in line!
: ''[Scar clicks his teeth at Zazu, who has flown near his face. Zazu takes cover behind Mufasa's foreleg. Scar bends down to speak to him.]''
: '''Scar''': Well, I was first in line... until the little ''HAIRBALL'' was born.
: '''Mufasa''': ''[Lowering his head and meeting Scar eye to eye]'' That &quot;hairball&quot; is my son... and your future king.
: '''Scar''': Ohh, I shall practice my curtsy.
: ''[Scar turns away and starts to exit]''
: '''Mufasa''': ''[Warning]'' Don't turn your back on ''ME'', Scar.
: '''Scar''': ''[Looking back]'' Oh, no, Mufasa. Perhaps ''YOU'' shouldn't turn ''YOUR'' back on me.
: '''Mufasa''':	''[Roars and literally jumps in front of Scar, baring his teeth for the first time]'' '''''IS THAT A CHALLENGE?!'''''
: '''Scar''':	Temper, temper. I wouldn't ''DREAM'' of challenging you.
: '''Zazu''':	Pity! Why not?
: '''Scar''': ''[Looking at Zazu]'' Well, as far as brains go, I got the lion's share. But, when it comes to ''BRUTE STRENGTH'' ''[looking at Mufasa]'' ...I'm afraid I'm at the shallow end of the gene pool.
: ''[Exit Scar]''
: '''Zazu''': ''[Deep sigh]'' There's one in every family, sire... ''TWO'' in mine, actually. ''[perches on Mufasa's shoulder]'' And they always manage to ruin special occasions.
: '''Mufasa''': What am I going to do with him?
: '''Zazu''': He'd make a very handsome throw rug.
: '''Mufasa''': Zazu!
: '''Zazu''': And just think, whenever he gets dirty, you can take him out and ''BEAT'' him.
: ''[Mufasa laughs]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Mufasa''': Everything you see exists together in a delicate balance. As king, you need to understand that balance and respect all the creatures, from the crawling [[w:Ant|ant]] to the leaping antelope.
:'''Simba''': But, Dad, don't we eat the antelope?
:'''Mufasa''': Yes, Simba, but let me explain. When we die, our bodies become the grass, and the antelope eat the grass. And so we are all connected in the great Circle of Life.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Simba''': Hey, Uncle Scar, guess what?
:'''Scar''': I despise guessing games.
:'''Simba''': I'm gonna be King of Pride Rock.
:'''Scar''': Oh, goody.
:'''Simba''': My dad just showed me the whole kingdom. And I'm gonna rule it all. Heheh.
:'''Scar''': Yes. Well, forgive me for not leaping for joy. Bad back, you know. ''[flops on his side]''
:'''Simba''': Hey, Uncle Scar, when I'm king, what'll that make you? 
:'''Scar''': A [[W:Vervet monkey|monkey]]'s uncle.
:'''Simba''': ''[laughs]'' You're so weird!
:'''Scar''': You have no idea. So, your father showed you the whole kingdom, did he?
:'''Simba''': Everything.
:'''Scar''': He didn't show you what's beyond that rise at the northern border...?
:'''Simba''': {Disappointed} Well, no... he said I can't go there.
:'''Scar''': And he's ''ABSOLUTELY'' right. It's ''FAR'' too dangerous. Only the bravest lions go there.
:'''Simba''': Well, ''I'M'' brave! What's out th--
:'''Scar''': ''[Interrupting]'' No, I'm sorry, Simba, I just ''CAN'T' tell you.
:'''Simba''': Why not?
:'''Scar''': Simba, Simba, I'm only looking out for the well- being of my favorite nephew.
:''[Scar rubs and pats Simba's head]''
:'''Simba''': ''[Snorts sarcastically]'' Yeah, right, I'm your only nephew.
:'''Scar''': All the more reason for me to be protective... An [[w:African bush elephant|elephant]] graveyard is no place for a young prince... [faking surprise] Oops!
:'''Simba''': ''[Enthusiastic]'' An elephant ''WHAT?'' Whoa.
:'''Scar''': ''[Faking dismay]'' Oh ''DEAR'', I've said too much... Well, I suppose you'd have found sooner or later, you being ''SO'' clever and all... ''[pulling Simba near]'' Oh, just do me one favor - promise me you'll never visit that ''DREADFUL'' place.
:'''Simba''': ''[Thinks]'' ''NO'' problem.
:'''Scar''': There's a good lad. You run along now and have fun. And remember... it's our little secret.
:''[Simba leaves the rock, Scar walks away with an evil smile]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Simba''': ''[As he and Nala are walking in the jungle]'' Isn't this a great place?
:'''Nala''': It is beautiful. But I don't understand something. You've been alive all this time. Why didn't you come back to Pride Rock?
:'''Simba''': ''[climbs in the vines]'' Well, I just needed to... get out on my own. Live my own life. And I did. And it's great.
:'''Nala''': We've really need you back home.
:'''Simba''': No one needs me.
:'''Nala''': Yes, we do. You're the king.
:'''Simba''': Nala, we've been through this. I'm not the king. Scar is.
:'''Nala''': Simba. He let the hyenas take over the Pride Lands.
:'''Simba''': ''[shocked]'' What?
:'''Nala''': Everything is destroyed. There's no food. No water. Simba, if you don't do something soon, everyone will starve.
:'''Simba''': I can't go back.
:'''Nala''': Why?!
:'''Simba''': You wouldn't understand.
:'''Nala''': What would I understand?!
:'''Simba''': No, no, no. It doesn't matter. Hakuna Matata.
:'''Nala''': What?
:'''Simba''': Hakuna Matata. It's something I learned out here. Look, sometimes bad things happen...
:'''Nala''': Simba-!
:'''Simba''': and there's nothing you can do about it. So why worry?
:'''Nala''': Because it's your responsibility.
:'''Simba''': What about you, you left?
:'''Nala''': I left to find help, and I found you! Don't you understand?! We are only hope.
:'''Simba''': Sorry.
:'''Nala''': What's happened to you? You're not the Simba I remember.
:'''Simba''': You're right. I'm not. Now are you satisfied?
:'''Nala''': No, just disappointed
:'''Simba''': You know, you're starting to sound like my father. [starts walking away]
:'''Nala''': Good. At least one of us does.
:'''Simba''': ''[He felt shocked at what Nala said, he angrily turns to her]'' Listen, you think you can just show up and tell me how to live my life?! You don't even know what I've been through!
:'''Nala''': ''[worried]'' I would if you just tell me!
:'''Simba''': ''[walking away]'' Forget it!
:'''Nala''': ''[angry]'' Fine! ''[turns her head away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Rafiki''': Look down there.
:'''Simba''': ''[looks into a pond of water]'' That's not my father. That's just my reflection.
:'''Rafiki''': No, look harder.
:''[he touches the water; as it ripples, Simba's reflection changes to that of Mufasa]''
:'''Rafiki''': You see? He lives in you.
:'''Mufasa''': ''[from above]'' Simba.
:'''Simba''': Father?
:''[Simba sees his father's spirit in the sky]''
:'''Mufasa''': Simba, you have forgotten me.
:'''Simba''': No. How could I?
:'''Mufasa''': You have forgotten who you are and so have forgotten me. Look inside yourself, Simba. You are more than what you have become. You must take your place in the Circle of Life.
:'''Simba''': How can I go back? I'm not who I used to be.
:'''Mufasa''': Remember who you are. You are my son, and the one true King. Remember who you are.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Simba''': I know what I have to do. But going back means I'll have to face my past. I've been running from it for so long.
:''[Rafiki hits Simba on the head with his stick]''
:'''Simba''': Ow! Jeez, what was that for?
:'''Rafiki''': It doesn't matter. It's in the past. ''[laughs]''
:'''Simba''': Yeah, but it still hurts.
:'''Rafiki''': Oh yes, the past can hurt. But from the way I see it, you can either run from it, or... learn from it. ''[swings his stick again at Simba, who ducks out of the way]'' Ha. You see? So what are you going to do?
:'''Simba''': First, I'm gonna take your stick.
:''[Simba snatches Rafiki's stick and throws it and Rafiki runs to grab it]''
:'''Rafiki''': NO, NO, NO, NO, NOT THE STICK! HEY, WHERE YOU GOING?!
:'''Simba''': I'M GOING BACK!
:'''Rafiki''': GOOD! GO ON! GET OUT OF HERE!
:''[Rafiki begins laughing and screeching loudly]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Simba, Nala, Timon, and Pumbaa, make it to the Pride Lands]''
:'''Timon''': [[w:spotted hyena|Hyenas]]. I hate hyenas. ''[whispers to Simba]'' So what your plan for getting past those guys?
:'''Simba''': Live bait.
:'''Timon''': Good idea. ''[reacts]'' ''HEY!''
:'''Simba''': Come on, Timon! You guys have to create a diversion.
:'''Timon''': What do you want me to do, dress in drag and do the hula?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Scar''': Ahh, so you haven't told them your little secret. Well, Simba, now's your chance to tell them. Tell them who is responsible for Mufasa's death!
:'''Simba''': ''[pause]'' I am.
:'''Sarabi''': ''[whispering]'' It's not true. Tell me it's not true.
:'''Simba''': It's true.
:'''Scar''': You see? He admits it. MURDERER!
:'''Simba''': No! It was an accident!
:'''Scar''': If it weren't for you, Mufasa would still be alive. It's your fault he's dead. Do you deny it?
:'''Simba''': No.
:'''Scar''': Then you're ''GUILTY''.
:'''Simba''': No, I'm ''NOT'' a murderer! 
:'''Scar''': Oh, Simba, you're in trouble again. But this time Daddy isn't here to save you. And now EVERYONE KNOWS WHY!
:''[Simba falls at the edge of a cliff while a fire burns below.]''
:'''Nala''': SIMBA!
:'''Scar''': ''[looking at Simba who is clinging to the edge of the cliff]'' Now this looks familiar. Where have I seen this before? Hm, let me think. Oh, yes, I remember! This is just the way your father looked before he died.
:''[He claws Simba's paws the same way he did to Mufasa]''
:'''Scar''': And here's ''my'' little secret. ''[whispers]'' I killed Mufasa!
:'''Simba''': ''[Enraged, he leaps back up and pounces on Scar] '''NO! MURDERER!!!'''
:'''Scar''': No, Simba! Please!
:'''Simba''': Tell them the truth.
:'''Scar''': Truth? But truth is in the eye of the behold... ''[Simba chokes him, he whispers]'' All right. All right. I did it.
:'''Simba''': So they can hear you.
:'''Scar''': I KILLED MUFASA!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Timon and Zazu are cornered by the hyenas]''
:'''Timon''': Please don't eat me!
:'''Pumbaa''': DROP 'EM!
:'''Banzai''': Hey! Who's the [[W:common warthog|pig]]?
:'''Pumbaa''': Are you talkin' to me?
:'''Timon''': Uh-oh! They called him the [[w:pig|pig]].
:'''Pumbaa''': Are you talking to me?
:'''Timon''': Shouldn't have done that.
:'''Pumbaa''': ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?!
:'''Timon''': Now they're in for it!
:'''Pumbaa''': They call me... MR. PIG!!!
:''[he screams and charges at the hyenas]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Simba''': Murderer.
:'''Scar''': Simba, Simba, please. Please have mercy, I beg you.
:'''Simba''': You don't deserve to live.
:'''Scar''': But, Simba, I... am... family. It's the hyenas who are the real enemy. It was their fault. It was their idea!
:'''Simba''': Why should I believe you? Everything you ever told me was a lie.
:'''Scar''': What are you going to do? You wouldn't kill your ''OLD'' uncle...?
:'''Simba''': No, Scar. I'm not like you.
:'''Scar''': Oh, Simba, thank you. You are truly noble. I'll make it up to you, I promise. How can I, ah, prove myself to you? Tell me anything, anything.
:'''Simba''': Run. Run away, Scar. And never return.
:'''Scar''': Yes. Of course. As you wish, your MAJESTY!

== Taglines ==
*See it for the first time ever in 3D (2011 3D re-release)
*The greatest adventure of all is finding our place in the circle of life.
*The King Has Returned. [for Christmas 2002 IMAX release.]
*The Circle of Life

== Cast ==
* [[w:Jonathan Taylor Thomas|Jonathan Taylor Thomas]] - Simba (young)
* [[Matthew Broderick]] - Simba (mature)
* [[Nathan Lane]] - Timon
* [[w:Ernie Sabella|Ernie Sabella]] - Pumbaa
* [[w:James Earl Jones|James Earl Jones]] - Mufasa
* Niketa Calame - Nala (young)
* [[w:Moira Kelly|Moira Kelly]] - Nala (mature)
* [[Jeremy Irons]] - Scar
* [[Whoopi Goldberg]] - Shenzi
* [[w:Cheech Marin|Cheech Marin]] - Banzai
* [[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]] - Ed
* [[w:Robert Guillaume|Robert Guillaume]] - Rafiki
* [[w:Rowan Atkinson|Rowan Atkinson]] - Zazu
* [[w:Madge Sinclair|Madge Sinclair]] - Sarabi
* Zoe Leader - Sarafina

== External links ==
*{{wikipedia-inline|The Lion King|''The Lion King''}}
*{{commonscat-inline|The Lion King|''The Lion King''}}
* {{imdb title|0110357}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|lion_king}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Lion King, The}}
[[Category:1994 films]]
[[Category:1990s American animated films]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical films]]
[[Category:American children's animated drama films]]
[[Category:Animated drama films]]
[[Category:Drama films]]
[[Category:Epic films]]
[[Category:Animated films about death]]
[[Category:Films about animals]]
[[Category:Films about revenge]]
[[Category:Films set in Africa]]
[[Category:Films set in jungles]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Joe Ranft]]
[[Category:The Lion King]]
[[Category:United States National Film Registry films]]
[[Category:Films directed by Roger Allers]]
[[Category:Films directed by Rob Minkoff]]</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153678</id>
      <parentid>3153667</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T20:59:21Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Favonia1</username>
        <id>3129277</id>
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      <model>wikitext</model>
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      <text bytes="15228" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:The Lion King|The Lion King]]''''' is a [[w:1994 in film|1994]] Disney animated film in which an [[W:masai lion|East African lion]] cub and heir to the throne of Pride Rock learns his place in [[W:East Africa|Africa]]'s [[W:Tanzania|Tanzania]]'s [[W:Serengeti|Serengeti]]. Tricked into thinking he killed his father, he flees into exile and abandons his identity as the future King, only to return years later to face his past.
: ''Directed by [[w:Roger Allers|Roger Allers]] &amp; [[w:Rob Minkoff|Rob Minkoff]]. Screenplay by [[w:Irene Mecchi|Irene Mecchi]], [[w:Jonathan Roberts|Jonathan Roberts]], and [[w:Linda Woolverton|Linda Woolverton]]. Songs by [[w:Tim Rice|Tim Rice]] and [[Elton John]].

==Pumbaa==
* They call me ''MISTER WARTHOG!'' ''[looses a war cry]''
* Hey, Timon! You better come look. I think he's still alive.

== Simba ==
* ''[calls out to the sky]'' Mmm! Yummy! You look delicious, sky. I wanna eat you!
* Little roar.. ''[scoffs]''
* Run.. run away, Scar.. and '''''never''''' return!

== Scar ==
* ''[to a [[w:mouse|mouse]] he is about to eat]'' Life's not fair, is it? You see, I... well, I shall never be king. And you... shall never see the light of another day. Adieu.

* ''[digs his claws into Mufasa's paws]'' Long live the king. ''[throws Mufasa off the cliff]''

* Run away, Simba. Run. Run away, and never return.

* Mufasa's death was a terrible tragedy. But to lose Simba, who had barely begun to live... For me, it is a deep personal loss. So it is with a heavy heart that I assume the throne. Yet, out of the ashes of this tragedy, we shall rise to greet the dawning of a new era, in which [[w:lion|lion]] and [[w:hyena|hyena]] come together in a great and glorious future!

== Dialogue ==
[[File:Serengeti, Tanzania (2337070731).jpg|thumb|When we die, our bodies become the grass, and the [[w:antelope|antelope]] eat the grass. And so we are all connected in the great Circle of Life.]]
: '''Scar''': ''[Sarcastically overjoyed]'' Why! If it isn't my big brother descending from on high to mingle with the commoners.
: '''Mufasa''': Sarabi and I didn't see you at the presentation of Simba.
: '''Scar''': ''[Faking astonishment]'' That was ''TODAY?!'' Oh, I feel simply awful... ''[He turns and start scraping his claws on the rock wall. Zazu cringes at the sound. Admiring his claws]'' ...Must have slipped my mind.
: '''Zazu''': Yes, well, as slippery as your mind is, as the king's brother, you should have been ''FIRST'' in line!
: ''[Scar clicks his teeth at Zazu, who has flown near his face. Zazu takes cover behind Mufasa's foreleg. Scar bends down to speak to him.]''
: '''Scar''': Well, I was first in line... until the little ''HAIRBALL'' was born.
: '''Mufasa''': ''[Lowering his head and meeting Scar eye to eye]'' That &quot;hairball&quot; is my son... and your future king.
: '''Scar''': Ohh, I shall practice my curtsy.
: ''[Scar turns away and starts to exit]''
: '''Mufasa''': ''[Warning]'' Don't turn your back on ''ME'', Scar.
: '''Scar''': ''[Looking back]'' Oh, no, Mufasa. Perhaps ''YOU'' shouldn't turn ''YOUR'' back on me.
: '''Mufasa''':	''[Roars and literally jumps in front of Scar, baring his teeth for the first time]'' '''''IS THAT A CHALLENGE?!'''''
: '''Scar''':	Temper, temper. I wouldn't ''DREAM'' of challenging you.
: '''Zazu''':	Pity! Why not?
: '''Scar''': ''[Looking at Zazu]'' Well, as far as brains go, I got the lion's share. But, when it comes to ''BRUTE STRENGTH'' ''[looking at Mufasa]'' ...I'm afraid I'm at the shallow end of the gene pool.
: ''[Exit Scar]''
: '''Zazu''': ''[Deep sigh]'' There's one in every family, sire... ''TWO'' in mine, actually. ''[perches on Mufasa's shoulder]'' And they always manage to ruin special occasions.
: '''Mufasa''': What am I going to do with him?
: '''Zazu''': He'd make a very handsome throw rug.
: '''Mufasa''': Zazu!
: '''Zazu''': And just think, whenever he gets dirty, you can take him out and ''BEAT'' him.
: ''[Mufasa laughs]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Mufasa''': Everything you see exists together in a delicate balance. As king, you need to understand that balance and respect all the creatures, from the crawling [[w:Ant|ant]] to the leaping antelope.
:'''Simba''': But, Dad, don't we eat the antelope?
:'''Mufasa''': Yes, Simba, but let me explain. When we die, our bodies become the grass, and the antelope eat the grass. And so we are all connected in the great Circle of Life.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Simba''': Hey, Uncle Scar, guess what?
:'''Scar''': I despise guessing games.
:'''Simba''': I'm gonna be King of Pride Rock.
:'''Scar''': Oh, goody.
:'''Simba''': My dad just showed me the whole kingdom. And I'm gonna rule it all. Heheh.
:'''Scar''': Yes. Well, forgive me for not leaping for joy. Bad back, you know. ''[flops on his side]''
:'''Simba''': Hey, Uncle Scar, when I'm king, what'll that make you? 
:'''Scar''': A [[W:Vervet monkey|monkey]]'s uncle.
:'''Simba''': ''[laughs]'' You're so weird!
:'''Scar''': You have no idea. So, your father showed you the whole kingdom, did he?
:'''Simba''': Everything.
:'''Scar''': He didn't show you what's beyond that rise at the northern border...?
:'''Simba''': {Disappointed} Well, no... he said I can't go there.
:'''Scar''': And he's ''ABSOLUTELY'' right. It's ''FAR'' too dangerous. Only the bravest lions go there.
:'''Simba''': Well, ''I'M'' brave! What's out th--
:'''Scar''': ''[Interrupting]'' No, I'm sorry, Simba, I just ''CAN'T' tell you.
:'''Simba''': Why not?
:'''Scar''': Simba, Simba, I'm only looking out for the well- being of my favorite nephew.
:''[Scar rubs and pats Simba's head]''
:'''Simba''': ''[Snorts sarcastically]'' Yeah, right, I'm your only nephew.
:'''Scar''': All the more reason for me to be protective... An [[w:African bush elephant|elephant]] graveyard is no place for a young prince... [faking surprise] Oops!
:'''Simba''': ''[Enthusiastic]'' An elephant ''WHAT?'' Whoa.
:'''Scar''': ''[Faking dismay]'' Oh ''DEAR'', I've said too much... Well, I suppose you'd have found sooner or later, you being ''SO'' clever and all... ''[pulling Simba near]'' Oh, just do me one favor - promise me you'll never visit that ''DREADFUL'' place.
:'''Simba''': ''[Thinks]'' ''NO'' problem.
:'''Scar''': There's a good lad. You run along now and have fun. And remember... it's our little secret.
:''[Simba leaves the rock, Scar walks away with an evil smile]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Simba''': ''[As he and Nala are walking in the jungle]'' Isn't this a great place?
:'''Nala''': It is beautiful. But I don't understand something. You've been alive all this time. Why didn't you come back to Pride Rock?
:'''Simba''': ''[climbs in the vines]'' Well, I just needed to... get out on my own. Live my own life. And I did. And it's great.
:'''Nala''': We've really need you back home.
:'''Simba''': No one needs me.
:'''Nala''': Yes, we do. You're the king.
:'''Simba''': Nala, we've been through this. I'm not the king. Scar is.
:'''Nala''': Simba. He let the hyenas take over the Pride Lands.
:'''Simba''': ''[shocked]'' What?
:'''Nala''': Everything is destroyed. There's no food. No water. Simba, if you don't do something soon, everyone will starve.
:'''Simba''': I can't go back.
:'''Nala''': Why?!
:'''Simba''': You wouldn't understand.
:'''Nala''': What would I understand?!
:'''Simba''': No, no, no. It doesn't matter. Hakuna Matata.
:'''Nala''': What?
:'''Simba''': Hakuna Matata. It's something I learned out here. Look, sometimes bad things happen...
:'''Nala''': Simba-!
:'''Simba''': and there's nothing you can do about it. So why worry?
:'''Nala''': Because it's your responsibility.
:'''Simba''': What about you, you left?
:'''Nala''': I left to find help, and I found you! Don't you understand?! We are only hope.
:'''Simba''': Sorry.
:'''Nala''': What's happened to you? You're not the Simba I remember.
:'''Simba''': You're right. I'm not. Now are you satisfied?
:'''Nala''': No, just disappointed
:'''Simba''': You know, you're starting to sound like my father. [starts walking away]
:'''Nala''': Good. At least one of us does.
:'''Simba''': ''[He felt shocked at what Nala said, he angrily turns to her]'' Listen, you think you can just show up and tell me how to live my life?! You don't even know what I've been through!
:'''Nala''': ''[worried]'' I would if you just tell me!
:'''Simba''': ''[walking away]'' Forget it!
:'''Nala''': ''[angry]'' Fine! ''[turns her head away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Rafiki''': Look down there.
:'''Simba''': ''[looks into a pond of water]'' That's not my father. That's just my reflection.
:'''Rafiki''': No, look harder.
:''[he touches the water; as it ripples, Simba's reflection changes to that of Mufasa]''
:'''Rafiki''': You see? He lives in you.
:'''Mufasa''': ''[from above]'' Simba.
:'''Simba''': Father?
:''[Simba sees his father's spirit in the sky]''
:'''Mufasa''': Simba, you have forgotten me.
:'''Simba''': No. How could I?
:'''Mufasa''': You have forgotten who you are and so have forgotten me. Look inside yourself, Simba. You are more than what you have become. You must take your place in the Circle of Life.
:'''Simba''': How can I go back? I'm not who I used to be.
:'''Mufasa''': Remember who you are. You are my son, and the one true King. Remember who you are.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Simba''': I know what I have to do. But going back means I'll have to face my past. I've been running from it for so long.
:''[Rafiki hits Simba on the head with his stick]''
:'''Simba''': Ow! Jeez, what was that for?
:'''Rafiki''': It doesn't matter. It's in the past. ''[laughs]''
:'''Simba''': Yeah, but it still hurts.
:'''Rafiki''': Oh yes, the past can hurt. But from the way I see it, you can either run from it, or... learn from it. ''[swings his stick again at Simba, who ducks out of the way]'' Ha. You see? So what are you going to do?
:'''Simba''': First, I'm gonna take your stick.
:''[Simba snatches Rafiki's stick and throws it and Rafiki runs to grab it]''
:'''Rafiki''': NO, NO, NO, NO, NOT THE STICK! HEY, WHERE YOU GOING?!
:'''Simba''': I'M GOING BACK!
:'''Rafiki''': GOOD! GO ON! GET OUT OF HERE!
:''[Rafiki begins laughing and screeching loudly]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Simba, Nala, Timon, and Pumbaa, make it to the Pride Lands]''
:'''Timon''': [[w:spotted hyena|Hyenas]]. I hate hyenas. ''[whispers to Simba]'' So what your plan for getting past those guys?
:'''Simba''': Live bait.
:'''Timon''': Good idea. ''[reacts]'' ''HEY!''
:'''Simba''': Come on, Timon! You guys have to create a diversion.
:'''Timon''': What do you want me to do, go out there and fuck the hyenas?! ''[proceeds to fuck all of the Prideland's hyenas]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Scar''': Ahh, so you haven't told them your little secret. Well, Simba, now's your chance to tell them. Tell them who is responsible for Mufasa's death!
:'''Simba''': ''[pause]'' I am.
:'''Sarabi''': ''[whispering]'' It's not true. Tell me it's not true.
:'''Simba''': It's true.
:'''Scar''': You see? He admits it. MURDERER!
:'''Simba''': No! It was an accident!
:'''Scar''': If it weren't for you, Mufasa would still be alive. It's your fault he's dead. Do you deny it?
:'''Simba''': No.
:'''Scar''': Then you're ''GUILTY''.
:'''Simba''': No, I'm ''NOT'' a murderer! 
:'''Scar''': Oh, Simba, you're in trouble again. But this time Daddy isn't here to save you. And now EVERYONE KNOWS WHY!
:''[Simba falls at the edge of a cliff while a fire burns below.]''
:'''Nala''': SIMBA!
:'''Scar''': ''[looking at Simba who is clinging to the edge of the cliff]'' Now this looks familiar. Where have I seen this before? Hm, let me think. Oh, yes, I remember! This is just the way your father looked before he died.
:''[He claws Simba's paws the same way he did to Mufasa]''
:'''Scar''': And here's ''my'' little secret. ''[whispers]'' I killed Mufasa!
:'''Simba''': ''[Enraged, he leaps back up and pounces on Scar] '''NO! MURDERER!!!'''
:'''Scar''': No, Simba! Please!
:'''Simba''': Tell them the truth.
:'''Scar''': Truth? But truth is in the eye of the behold... ''[Simba chokes him, he whispers]'' All right. All right. I did it.
:'''Simba''': So they can hear you.
:'''Scar''': I KILLED MUFASA!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Timon and Zazu are cornered by the hyenas]''
:'''Timon''': Please don't eat me!
:'''Pumbaa''': DROP 'EM!
:'''Banzai''': Hey! Who's the [[W:common warthog|pig]]?
:'''Pumbaa''': Are you talkin' to me?
:'''Timon''': Uh-oh! They called him the [[w:pig|pig]].
:'''Pumbaa''': Are you talking to me?
:'''Timon''': Shouldn't have done that.
:'''Pumbaa''': ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?!
:'''Timon''': Now they're in for it!
:'''Pumbaa''': They call me... MR. PIG!!!
:''[he screams and charges at the hyenas]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Simba''': Murderer.
:'''Scar''': Simba, Simba, please. Please have mercy, I beg you.
:'''Simba''': You don't deserve to live.
:'''Scar''': But, Simba, I... am... family. It's the hyenas who are the real enemy. It was their fault. It was their idea!
:'''Simba''': Why should I believe you? Everything you ever told me was a lie.
:'''Scar''': What are you going to do? You wouldn't kill your ''OLD'' uncle...?
:'''Simba''': No, Scar. I'm not like you.
:'''Scar''': Oh, Simba, thank you. You are truly noble. I'll make it up to you, I promise. How can I, ah, prove myself to you? Tell me anything, anything.
:'''Simba''': Run. Run away, Scar. And never return.
:'''Scar''': Yes. Of course. As you wish, your MAJESTY!

== Taglines ==
*See it for the first time ever in 3D (2011 3D re-release)
*The greatest adventure of all is finding our place in the circle of life.
*The King Has Returned. [for Christmas 2002 IMAX release.]
*The Circle of Life

== Cast ==
* [[w:Jonathan Taylor Thomas|Jonathan Taylor Thomas]] - Simba (young)
* [[Matthew Broderick]] - Simba (mature)
* [[Nathan Lane]] - Timon
* [[w:Ernie Sabella|Ernie Sabella]] - Pumbaa
* [[w:James Earl Jones|James Earl Jones]] - Mufasa
* Niketa Calame - Nala (young)
* [[w:Moira Kelly|Moira Kelly]] - Nala (mature)
* [[Jeremy Irons]] - Scar
* [[Whoopi Goldberg]] - Shenzi
* [[w:Cheech Marin|Cheech Marin]] - Banzai
* [[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]] - Ed
* [[w:Robert Guillaume|Robert Guillaume]] - Rafiki
* [[w:Rowan Atkinson|Rowan Atkinson]] - Zazu
* [[w:Madge Sinclair|Madge Sinclair]] - Sarabi
* Zoe Leader - Sarafina

== External links ==
*{{wikipedia-inline|The Lion King|''The Lion King''}}
*{{commonscat-inline|The Lion King|''The Lion King''}}
* {{imdb title|0110357}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|lion_king}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Lion King, The}}
[[Category:1994 films]]
[[Category:1990s American animated films]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical films]]
[[Category:American children's animated drama films]]
[[Category:Animated drama films]]
[[Category:Drama films]]
[[Category:Epic films]]
[[Category:Animated films about death]]
[[Category:Films about animals]]
[[Category:Films about revenge]]
[[Category:Films set in Africa]]
[[Category:Films set in jungles]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Joe Ranft]]
[[Category:The Lion King]]
[[Category:United States National Film Registry films]]
[[Category:Films directed by Roger Allers]]
[[Category:Films directed by Rob Minkoff]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3153701</id>
      <parentid>3153678</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T21:41:51Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
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        <id>237630</id>
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      <text bytes="15167" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:The Lion King|The Lion King]]''''' is a [[w:1994 in film|1994]] Disney animated film in which an [[W:masai lion|East African lion]] cub and heir to the throne of Pride Rock learns his place in [[W:East Africa|Africa]]'s [[W:Tanzania|Tanzania]]'s [[W:Serengeti|Serengeti]]. Tricked into thinking he killed his father, he flees into exile and abandons his identity as the future King, only to return years later to face his past.
: ''Directed by [[w:Roger Allers|Roger Allers]] &amp; [[w:Rob Minkoff|Rob Minkoff]]. Screenplay by [[w:Irene Mecchi|Irene Mecchi]], [[w:Jonathan Roberts|Jonathan Roberts]], and [[w:Linda Woolverton|Linda Woolverton]]. Songs by [[w:Tim Rice|Tim Rice]] and [[Elton John]].

==Pumbaa==
* They call me ''MISTER WARTHOG!'' ''[looses a war cry]''
* Hey, Timon! You better come look. I think he's still alive.

== Simba ==
* ''[calls out to the sky]'' Yummy! You look delicious, sky. I wanna eat you!
* Little roar.. ''[scoffs]''
* Run.. run away, Scar.. and '''''never''''' return!

== Scar ==
* ''[to a [[w:mouse|mouse]] he is about to eat]'' Life's not fair, is it? You see, I... well, I shall never be king. And you... shall never see the light of another day. Adieu.

* ''[digs his claws into Mufasa's paws]'' Long live the king. ''[throws Mufasa off the cliff]''

* Run away, Simba. Run. Run away, and never return.

* Mufasa's death was a terrible tragedy. But to lose Simba, who had barely begun to live... For me, it is a deep personal loss. So it is with a heavy heart that I assume the throne. Yet, out of the ashes of this tragedy, we shall rise to greet the dawning of a new era, in which [[w:lion|lion]] and [[w:hyena|hyena]] come together in a great and glorious future!

== Dialogue ==
[[File:Serengeti, Tanzania (2337070731).jpg|thumb|When we die, our bodies become the grass, and the [[w:antelope|antelope]] eat the grass. And so we are all connected in the great Circle of Life.]]
: '''Scar''': ''[Sarcastically overjoyed]'' Why! If it isn't my big brother descending from on high to mingle with the commoners.
: '''Mufasa''': Sarabi and I didn't see you at the presentation of Simba.
: '''Scar''': ''[Faking astonishment]'' That was ''TODAY?!'' Oh, I feel simply awful... ''[He turns and start scraping his claws on the rock wall. Zazu cringes at the sound. Admiring his claws]'' ...Must have slipped my mind.
: '''Zazu''': Yes, well, as slippery as your mind is, as the king's brother, you should have been ''FIRST'' in line!
: ''[Scar clicks his teeth at Zazu, who has flown near his face. Zazu takes cover behind Mufasa's foreleg. Scar bends down to speak to him.]''
: '''Scar''': Well, I was first in line... until the little ''HAIRBALL'' was born.
: '''Mufasa''': ''[Lowering his head and meeting Scar eye to eye]'' That &quot;hairball&quot; is my son... and your future king.
: '''Scar''': Ohh, I shall practice my curtsy.
: ''[Scar turns away and starts to exit]''
: '''Mufasa''': ''[Warning]'' Don't turn your back on ''ME'', Scar.
: '''Scar''': ''[Looking back]'' Oh, no, Mufasa. Perhaps ''YOU'' shouldn't turn ''YOUR'' back on me.
: '''Mufasa''':	''[Roars and literally jumps in front of Scar, baring his teeth for the first time]'' '''''IS THAT A CHALLENGE?!'''''
: '''Scar''':	Temper, temper. I wouldn't ''DREAM'' of challenging you.
: '''Zazu''':	Pity! Why not?
: '''Scar''': ''[Looking at Zazu]'' Well, as far as brains go, I got the lion's share. But, when it comes to ''BRUTE STRENGTH'' ''[looking at Mufasa]'' ...I'm afraid I'm at the shallow end of the gene pool.
: ''[Exit Scar]''
: '''Zazu''': ''[Deep sigh]'' There's one in every family, sire... ''TWO'' in mine, actually. ''[perches on Mufasa's shoulder]'' And they always manage to ruin special occasions.
: '''Mufasa''': What am I going to do with him?
: '''Zazu''': He'd make a very handsome throw rug.
: '''Mufasa''': Zazu!
: '''Zazu''': And just think, whenever he gets dirty, you can take him out and ''BEAT'' him.
: ''[Mufasa laughs]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Mufasa''': Everything you see exists together in a delicate balance. As king, you need to understand that balance and respect all the creatures, from the crawling [[w:Ant|ant]] to the leaping antelope.
:'''Simba''': But, Dad, don't we eat the antelope?
:'''Mufasa''': Yes, Simba, but let me explain. When we die, our bodies become the grass, and the antelope eat the grass. And so we are all connected in the great Circle of Life.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Simba''': Hey, Uncle Scar, guess what?
:'''Scar''': I despise guessing games.
:'''Simba''': I'm gonna be King of Pride Rock.
:'''Scar''': Oh, goody.
:'''Simba''': My dad just showed me the whole kingdom. And I'm gonna rule it all. Heheh.
:'''Scar''': Yes. Well, forgive me for not leaping for joy. Bad back, you know. ''[flops on his side]''
:'''Simba''': Hey, Uncle Scar, when I'm king, what'll that make you? 
:'''Scar''': A [[W:Vervet monkey|monkey]]'s uncle.
:'''Simba''': ''[laughs]'' You're so weird!
:'''Scar''': You have no idea. So, your father showed you the whole kingdom, did he?
:'''Simba''': Everything.
:'''Scar''': He didn't show you what's beyond that rise at the northern border...?
:'''Simba''': {Disappointed} Well, no... he said I can't go there.
:'''Scar''': And he's ''ABSOLUTELY'' right. It's ''FAR'' too dangerous. Only the bravest lions go there.
:'''Simba''': Well, ''I'M'' brave! What's out th--
:'''Scar''': ''[Interrupting]'' No, I'm sorry, Simba, I just ''CAN'T' tell you.
:'''Simba''': Why not?
:'''Scar''': Simba, Simba, I'm only looking out for the well- being of my favorite nephew.
:''[Scar rubs and pats Simba's head]''
:'''Simba''': ''[Snorts sarcastically]'' Yeah, right, I'm your only nephew.
:'''Scar''': All the more reason for me to be protective... An [[w:African bush elephant|elephant]] graveyard is no place for a young prince... [faking surprise] Oops!
:'''Simba''': ''[Enthusiastic]'' An elephant ''WHAT?'' Whoa.
:'''Scar''': ''[Faking dismay]'' Oh ''DEAR'', I've said too much... Well, I suppose you'd have found sooner or later, you being ''SO'' clever and all... ''[pulling Simba near]'' Oh, just do me one favor - promise me you'll never visit that ''DREADFUL'' place.
:'''Simba''': ''[Thinks]'' ''NO'' problem.
:'''Scar''': There's a good lad. You run along now and have fun. And remember... it's our little secret.
:''[Simba leaves the rock, Scar walks away with an evil smile]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Simba''': ''[As he and Nala are walking in the jungle]'' Isn't this a great place?
:'''Nala''': It is beautiful. But I don't understand something. You've been alive all this time. Why didn't you come back to Pride Rock?
:'''Simba''': ''[climbs in the vines]'' Well, I just needed to... get out on my own. Live my own life. And I did. And it's great.
:'''Nala''': We've really need you back home.
:'''Simba''': No one needs me.
:'''Nala''': Yes, we do. You're the king.
:'''Simba''': Nala, we've been through this. I'm not the king. Scar is.
:'''Nala''': Simba. He let the hyenas take over the Pride Lands.
:'''Simba''': ''[shocked]'' What?
:'''Nala''': Everything is destroyed. There's no food. No water. Simba, if you don't do something soon, everyone will starve.
:'''Simba''': I can't go back.
:'''Nala''': Why?!
:'''Simba''': You wouldn't understand.
:'''Nala''': What would I understand?!
:'''Simba''': No, no, no. It doesn't matter. Hakuna Matata.
:'''Nala''': What?
:'''Simba''': Hakuna Matata. It's something I learned out here. Look, sometimes bad things happen...
:'''Nala''': Simba-!
:'''Simba''': and there's nothing you can do about it. So why worry?
:'''Nala''': Because it's your responsibility.
:'''Simba''': What about you, you left?
:'''Nala''': I left to find help, and I found you! Don't you understand?! We are only hope.
:'''Simba''': Sorry.
:'''Nala''': What's happened to you? You're not the Simba I remember.
:'''Simba''': You're right. I'm not. Now are you satisfied?
:'''Nala''': No, just disappointed
:'''Simba''': You know, you're starting to sound like my father. [starts walking away]
:'''Nala''': Good. At least one of us does.
:'''Simba''': ''[He felt shocked at what Nala said, he angrily turns to her]'' Listen, you think you can just show up and tell me how to live my life?! You don't even know what I've been through!
:'''Nala''': ''[worried]'' I would if you just tell me!
:'''Simba''': ''[walking away]'' Forget it!
:'''Nala''': ''[angry]'' Fine! ''[turns her head away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Rafiki''': Look down there.
:'''Simba''': ''[looks into a pond of water]'' That's not my father. That's just my reflection.
:'''Rafiki''': No, look harder.
:''[he touches the water; as it ripples, Simba's reflection changes to that of Mufasa]''
:'''Rafiki''': You see? He lives in you.
:'''Mufasa''': ''[from above]'' Simba.
:'''Simba''': Father?
:''[Simba sees his father's spirit in the sky]''
:'''Mufasa''': Simba, you have forgotten me.
:'''Simba''': No. How could I?
:'''Mufasa''': You have forgotten who you are and so have forgotten me. Look inside yourself, Simba. You are more than what you have become. You must take your place in the Circle of Life.
:'''Simba''': How can I go back? I'm not who I used to be.
:'''Mufasa''': Remember who you are. You are my son, and the one true King. Remember who you are.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Simba''': I know what I have to do. But going back means I'll have to face my past. I've been running from it for so long.
:''[Rafiki hits Simba on the head with his stick]''
:'''Simba''': Ow! Jeez, what was that for?
:'''Rafiki''': It doesn't matter. It's in the past. ''[laughs]''
:'''Simba''': Yeah, but it still hurts.
:'''Rafiki''': Oh yes, the past can hurt. But from the way I see it, you can either run from it, or... learn from it. ''[swings his stick again at Simba, who ducks out of the way]'' Ha. You see? So what are you going to do?
:'''Simba''': First, I'm gonna take your stick.
:''[Simba snatches Rafiki's stick and throws it and Rafiki runs to grab it]''
:'''Rafiki''': NO, NO, NO, NO, NOT THE STICK! HEY, WHERE YOU GOING?!
:'''Simba''': I'M GOING BACK!
:'''Rafiki''': GOOD! GO ON! GET OUT OF HERE!
:''[Rafiki begins laughing and screeching loudly]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Simba, Nala, Timon, and Pumbaa, make it to the Pride Lands]''
:'''Timon''': [[w:spotted hyena|Hyenas]]. I hate hyenas. ''[whispers to Simba]'' So what your plan for getting past those guys?
:'''Simba''': Live bait.
:'''Timon''': Good idea. ''[reacts]'' ''HEY!''
:'''Simba''': Come on, Timon! You guys have to create a diversion.
:'''Timon''': What do you want me to do, dress in drag and do the hula?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Scar''': Ahh, so you haven't told them your little secret. Well, Simba, now's your chance to tell them. Tell them who is responsible for Mufasa's death!
:'''Simba''': ''[pause]'' I am.
:'''Sarabi''': ''[whispering]'' It's not true. Tell me it's not true.
:'''Simba''': It's true.
:'''Scar''': You see? He admits it. MURDERER!
:'''Simba''': No! It was an accident!
:'''Scar''': If it weren't for you, Mufasa would still be alive. It's your fault he's dead. Do you deny it?
:'''Simba''': No.
:'''Scar''': Then you're ''GUILTY''.
:'''Simba''': No, I'm ''NOT'' a murderer! 
:'''Scar''': Oh, Simba, you're in trouble again. But this time Daddy isn't here to save you. And now EVERYONE KNOWS WHY!
:''[Simba falls at the edge of a cliff while a fire burns below.]''
:'''Nala''': SIMBA!
:'''Scar''': ''[looking at Simba who is clinging to the edge of the cliff]'' Now this looks familiar. Where have I seen this before? Hm, let me think. Oh, yes, I remember! This is just the way your father looked before he died.
:''[He claws Simba's paws the same way he did to Mufasa]''
:'''Scar''': And here's ''my'' little secret. ''[whispers]'' I killed Mufasa!
:'''Simba''': ''[Enraged, he leaps back up and pounces on Scar] '''NO! MURDERER!!!'''
:'''Scar''': No, Simba! Please!
:'''Simba''': Tell them the truth.
:'''Scar''': Truth? But truth is in the eye of the behold... ''[Simba chokes him, he whispers]'' All right. All right. I did it.
:'''Simba''': So they can hear you.
:'''Scar''': I KILLED MUFASA!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Timon and Zazu are cornered by the hyenas]''
:'''Timon''': Please don't eat me!
:'''Pumbaa''': DROP 'EM!
:'''Banzai''': Hey! Who's the [[W:common warthog|pig]]?
:'''Pumbaa''': Are you talkin' to me?
:'''Timon''': Uh-oh! They called him the [[w:pig|pig]].
:'''Pumbaa''': Are you talking to me?
:'''Timon''': Shouldn't have done that.
:'''Pumbaa''': ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?!
:'''Timon''': Now they're in for it!
:'''Pumbaa''': They call me... MR. PIG!!!
:''[he screams and charges at the hyenas]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Simba''': Murderer.
:'''Scar''': Simba, Simba, please. Please have mercy, I beg you.
:'''Simba''': You don't deserve to live.
:'''Scar''': But, Simba, I... am... family. It's the hyenas who are the real enemy. It was their fault. It was their idea!
:'''Simba''': Why should I believe you? Everything you ever told me was a lie.
:'''Scar''': What are you going to do? You wouldn't kill your ''OLD'' uncle...?
:'''Simba''': No, Scar. I'm not like you.
:'''Scar''': Oh, Simba, thank you. You are truly noble. I'll make it up to you, I promise. How can I, ah, prove myself to you? Tell me anything, anything.
:'''Simba''': Run. Run away, Scar. And never return.
:'''Scar''': Yes. Of course. As you wish, your MAJESTY!

== Taglines ==
*See it for the first time ever in 3D (2011 3D re-release)
*The greatest adventure of all is finding our place in the circle of life.
*The King Has Returned. [for Christmas 2002 IMAX release.]
*The Circle of Life

== Cast ==
* [[w:Jonathan Taylor Thomas|Jonathan Taylor Thomas]] - Simba (young)
* [[Matthew Broderick]] - Simba (mature)
* [[Nathan Lane]] - Timon
* [[w:Ernie Sabella|Ernie Sabella]] - Pumbaa
* [[w:James Earl Jones|James Earl Jones]] - Mufasa
* Niketa Calame - Nala (young)
* [[w:Moira Kelly|Moira Kelly]] - Nala (mature)
* [[Jeremy Irons]] - Scar
* [[Whoopi Goldberg]] - Shenzi
* [[w:Cheech Marin|Cheech Marin]] - Banzai
* [[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]] - Ed
* [[w:Robert Guillaume|Robert Guillaume]] - Rafiki
* [[w:Rowan Atkinson|Rowan Atkinson]] - Zazu
* [[w:Madge Sinclair|Madge Sinclair]] - Sarabi
* Zoe Leader - Sarafina

== External links ==
*{{wikipedia-inline|The Lion King|''The Lion King''}}
*{{commonscat-inline|The Lion King|''The Lion King''}}
* {{imdb title|0110357}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|lion_king}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Lion King, The}}
[[Category:1994 films]]
[[Category:1990s American animated films]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical films]]
[[Category:American children's animated drama films]]
[[Category:Animated drama films]]
[[Category:Drama films]]
[[Category:Epic films]]
[[Category:Animated films about death]]
[[Category:Films about animals]]
[[Category:Films about revenge]]
[[Category:Films set in Africa]]
[[Category:Films set in jungles]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Joe Ranft]]
[[Category:The Lion King]]
[[Category:United States National Film Registry films]]
[[Category:Films directed by Roger Allers]]
[[Category:Films directed by Rob Minkoff]]</text>
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    <title>Tupac Shakur</title>
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        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
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      <comment>Reverted edit by [[User:2.51.65.112|2.51.65.112]] ([[User talk:2.51.65.112|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/2.51.65.112|contributions]]) to last version by ^Flatzer</comment>
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'''[[w:Tupac Shakur|Tupac Amaru Shakur]]''' ([[June 16]], [[1971]] – [[September 13]], [[1996]]) was an American rapper and actor. He was also step-nephew of Black power activist [[Assata Shakur]].

==Quotes== 
[[File:Calaveras Museo Atropológico-Madrid.jpg|thumb|Accept no substitutes; I bring truth to the youth.; [[Death|Killing]] ain't [[Fairness|fair]], but somebody's got to do it.]]
[[File:DerelictAsadBabil.JPEG|thumb|My adversaries crumble when we rumble; it's a catastrophe.]]
[[File:Ferguson, Day 4, Photo 13.png|thumb|It's not going to stop until we stop it. And it's not just white men that's doing this to Brenda. It's not just white men that's keeping us trapped. It's black.]]
[[File:Bed-Stuy in the Snow.jpg|thumb|The same crime element that white people are scared of, black people are scared of. The same crime element that white people fear, black people fear. So we defend our self from the same crime element that they are scared of... While they are waiting for legislation to pass and everything, we're next door to the killer, we're next door to him you know. Because we're up in the projects... All them killers that they letting out, they're right there in that building. Just because we're black we get along with the killers or something? We get along with rapists because we're black and from the same hood? What is that? We need protection too.]]
[[File:Confederate_100_Dollars.jpg|thumb|Currency means nothing if you still ain't free; money breeds jealousy.]]
[[File:US_Navy_091022-N-8607R-030_Capt._John_Funk,_commanding_officer_of_the_amphibious_assault_ship_USS_Bonhomme_Richard_(LHD_6).jpg|thumb|My aim is to spread more smiles than tears; utilize lessons learned from my childhood years.]]
[[File:Arco_iris_circular.JPG|thumb|Take the game from me; I hope for better days.]]
[[File:Hermandad_-_friendship.jpg|thumb|I'm not on this all-white or all-black shit. I'm on this all-real or all fake shit with people, whatever color you are.]]
[[File:Sagging.jpg|thumb|Every 'brother' ain't a brother. They will do you. So just because it's black, don't mean it's cool. And just because it's white don't mean it's evil.]]

===1990s===

*Accept no substitutes; I bring truth to the youth.
**[http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/2pac/hollaifyahearme.html &quot;Holla If Ya Hear Me&quot;] (1993).
**We all gonna die, we bleed from similar veins
**[https://lovequotesz.com/tupac-shakur-quotes/ TUPAC SHAKUR QUOTES] (2020)

====Malcolm X Grassroots Movement, Atlanta (1992)====
*First, I wanna say 'peace' to my mother. She's not here but I gotta give a 'peace out' to her because I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for my mother.

*It's not going to stop until &quot;we&quot; stop it. And it's not just white man that's doing this to Brenda. It's not just white man that's keeping us trapped. It's &quot;black.&quot; And we have to find the new African in everybody... But before we can be African, we gotta be black first.

*What I want you to take seriously is what we have to do for the youth.

*You grew up, we grew up B.C. Before crack. That's just saying it all. You understand? You don't have parents... You have young kids, fourteen, coming home and their mama is smoking out, going to their best friend to get the product.

*It's not just about you taking care of &quot;your&quot; child. It's about you taking care of ''these children.''

*First, I want to say peace to my mother. She's not here, but I've got to give a 'peace out' to her, because I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for my mother. And, I look in the front of this thing and it says 'start from within to rebuild our original greatness.' Right?  Okay, well that's what my mother did. You know what I'm saying? And I'm listen about freedom fighters and strugglers. Well you got to understand when it was 'in' to have a gun and be in the streets, my mother gave that up to be in a house and wash the dishes and feed us. You know what I'm saying? And put the thoughts in our brain. We didn't get any of that history from all of those soldiers that we lost. We got none of that. They all went to jail if you can remember that. They all went to penitentiaries. We didn't see none of that knowledge. If it was not for my mother, that stayed home, and didn't go out and do all that, then I wouldn't have shit, excuse my language. But, I wouldn't have been nowhere. So what I want to do hopefully is. I want to be, not I want to be, I am Tupac Shakur. I have to be a reminder that we cant chill out. No, it not time cool out in banquets, its still on. It's on just like it was on when you were young and you want to say 'fuck that'. Just like you said 'fuck that', back then. So how come, now that I'm twenty years old and ready to start some shit, everybody's telling me to 'calm down'. Don't curs them, go to school, go to college. Well, fuck that. We have had colleges for awhile now. You know what I'm sayin? There's still Brenda's out there and niggas are still trapped. You know what I'm saying? And it gets me, irked. You know what I'm saying? Because I understand that it's not going to stop. You know what I'm saying? 

*'''It's not going to stop until ''we'' stop it. And it's not just white men that's doing this to Brenda. It's not just white men that's keeping us trapped. It's 'black',''' and we have to find the new African in everybody. In all of us, because if we keep running around looking for black and who got the most colors on or who got the baddest dashiki, we're still going to, excuse my language, we're still going to get fucked. Because it hurts me that my mother right now is going though, you know, she has to get clean. This is somebody I watched travel the whole country. You know what I'm saying? During the time when our women were scared to speak up. But, a Black Panther she spoke at Harvard, Yale, everywhere and now. I see my mother as what's really going on. You know what I'm saying? I don't see no big parade around my mother now. She's got a dozen fucking awards, and I don't see nobody there. You understand what I'm saying? So out of this, I take that lightly. I take all this lightly. 

*What I want you to take seriously, is what we have to do for the youth. Because we're coming up in a totally different world. This is not the same world that you had this is not 6th Street its not. You grew up, we grew up B.C. Before crack. That's just saying it all. You understand? We did not grow up without parents. You had parents that told you this and that and told you what went on back in the day. You have young kids, fourteen, coming home and their mama is smoking out, going to their best friend to get the product. You understand what I'm saying? So that means it's not just about you taking care of &quot;your&quot; child. It's about you taking care of &quot;these children&quot;. It hurts that I got to, it bothers me, not hurts, that I have to sidestep my youth to stand up and do some shit that somebody else is suppose to be doing. You understand what I'm saying? There's too many men out here for me to be doing this, because it ain't my turn yet. I'm supposed to be following behind him getting the knowledge. I don't even got a chance to get the fucking knowledge. I can't go to college. There's too much problems out here. I don't got the money. Nobody does. You understand what I'm saying? So what I'm saying is, it's not as easy as we're mapping it out to be. We've got to stay real. Before we can be new African we've gotta be black first. You understand? We've gotta get our brothers from the streets like Harriett Tubman did. Why can't we look at that and see exactly what she was doing? Like Malcolm did, the real Malcolm, before the Nation of Islam. You've got to remember, this was a pimp. You know what I'm saying, we forgot about all that. In our strive to be enlightened we forgot about all our brothers in the street, about all our dope dealers, our pushers and our pimps, and that's who's teaching the new generation, because y'all not doing it. I'm sorry. But, it's the pimps and pushers who's teaching us. So, if you got a problem with how we were raised, its because they was the only ones who could do it. They the only ones who did it, because everybody else wanted to go to college, and you know, yeah everything's changed, they were the ones telling you 'the white man ain't shit, there you go, check this out young blood, you take this product, you switch it, you get money and that's how you beat the white man, you get money, you get the hell up out of here.' Nobody else did that. So I don't wanna hear shit about nobody telling me who I can't love and respect until you start doing what they did. To me, this is Mecca. This is the black family. You know what I'm saying? But, what makes it that much sadder, what makes me wanna cry, is that when I leave this place, so does Mecca. You understand what I'm saying? We're going back to the real deal. Right out there, you're going see the same sisters and Brenda, they're right out there, and y'all are going to get in your cars and drive the fuck home.

====''[[w:Strictly 4 My N.I.G.G.A.Z...|Strictly 4 My N.I.G.G.A.Z...]]'' (February 16, 1993)====

* They got money for wars, but can't feed the poor.
** &quot;Keep Ya Head Up&quot;

====MTV interview (1994)====
* To dance with the naked [blow-up] doll, that was me! That's what I mean by I'm real, I'm truly hardcore, because I needed the money and I had to work. So if he told me that for me to get paid I had to go out there in bikini briefs and hop on top of this [blow-up] doll and that's how I gotta get paid, and I was homeless at the time, that's what I had to do. But What I did was not let him pimp me, you know what I'm saying. It wasn't like I just did that because that was my order. As soon as I got the check's to say what was on my mind, I said what was on my mind. And we have a platinum record now, you know what I'm saying.

* You have to work from one point to go to another. So I admire work ethic, I think it should be re-inforced through out our neigbourhoods, that everybody should work hard, practice makes perfect, you have to be diligent with what you want, you have to apply your self, you have to motivate your self. You have to do for-self by your self, and then you can do things for other people. But that's what I had to do, I had to do for-self.

* I want, when they see me, They know that everyday when I'm breathing is for us to go further. Everytime I speak I want the truth to come out. Not one person even realizes that I have white relatives, my cousin just had a son who is “White” but everytime I speak I want a shiver so yes, I do omit things that I feel are not accurately portraying my “character”. I don't want them to be like; they know what I'm gonna say, because it's polite. Im not saying I'm gonna rule the world or I'm gonna change the world, but I guarantee you that I will spark the brain that will change the world. And that's our job, It's to spark somebody else watching us. We might not be the one's, but let's not be selfish and because we not gonna change the world let's not talk about how we should change it. I don't know how to change it, but I know if I keep talking about how dirty it is out here, somebody's gonna clean it up.

* I gotta big mouth, I can't help it, I talk from my heart, I'm real you know what I'm sayin whatever comes comes. But my controverse problems, It's not my fault, I try to find my way in the world you know, I try to be somebody instead of just, make money off of everybody. You know what im saying, so I go down paths that haven't been traveled before and I usually mess up, but I learn, you know what I'm saying, I come back stronger, I'm not talking ignorant, you know what I'm saying. So obviously put thought into what I do. So I think my mouth, my controverse, I have not been out of the paper since I joined Digital Underground, I've been in all, you know what I'm saying, my name has not been not uttered, you know what I'm saying, and that's good for me because I don't wanna be forgotten. If I'm forgotten then that means I'm comfortable and that means I think everything is okay.

====Ed Gordon interview (1994)====
* '''It's like a battle, trying to find the right words to say at the right time.'''

* '''It's a constant man-ego-check going on in the streets, in this world.'''

* I believe honestly that I can talk. I believe that I have the ability to reason, I have logic, I have compassion, I have understanding. If we talk there's no problem you know what I'm saying. But that's not what happened. People used what they heard in media and that's how they come at me, and then you know we got a clash.

* '''If your not cheering for me, for what I'm doing, don't cheer for me. Don't cheer cause you think I'm cute, you know what I'm saying, screw that. Cheer for me for what I'm doing, for what I stand for, and when I go to jail you should cheer louder.'''

* '''I have no patience for anybody that doubts me, none at all.'''

* '''I'm not thuggin' for me, I'm thuggin' for my family, I pay all the bills, I feed my whole family, wrong or right, I do and I can't stop.'''

* The main thing for us to remember is that, the same crime element that white people are scared of, black people are scared of. The same crime element that white people fear, black people fear. So we defend our self from the same crime element that they are scared of, you know what I'm saying, while they are waiting for legislations to pass and everything, we're next door to the killer, we're next door to him you know. Because we up in the projects where it's 80 niggas in the building. All them killers that they letting out, they're right there in that building. Just because we're black we get along with the killers or something? We get along with rapist's because we're black and from the same hood? What is that? We need protection too.

* I made a metamorphose, I'm a new person today, because I used to strongly and honestly, honestly! I feel like I can represent my generation so much because I honestly did not care whether I lived or died. But now I can not die, with people thinking I'm a rapist or a criminal, I can not leave until this shit is straight, you know I'm not suicidal. I can't go until ya'll really know what time it is. And then after that, BOOM!, It's all over and we can see how this shit fall, but that's how it is, and the reason being is because if I can't live free, if I can't live with the same respect as the next man, I don't wanna be here, because god has cursed me to see what life should be like, If God wanted me to be this person and be happy here, he wouldn't let me feel so oppressed, he wouldn't let me feel so trampled on, you know what I'm saying, he wouldn't let me think the things I think. So I feel I'm doing Gods work, you know what I'm saying just because I don't have nothing to pass around for people to put money in a bucket don't mean I ain't doing God's work.

====Interview outside courthouse (1994)====
* The only way I've been practicing my whole life, to live my life is to be responsible for what I do. I don't know how to be responsible for what every black male did, I don't know. And yes, I am gonna say that I'm a thug, that's because I came from the gutter and I'm still here! I'm not saying I'm a thug because I wanna rob you or rape people and things. I'm a business man, I mean, you know I'm a business man because you find me at my places of business.

* It's not my liking for guns, what about the NRA? We all have the rights to bear arms, I have that, I have that same right as you do. Just because I'm black doesn't mean I shouldn't have a gun; I legally own guns.

====MTV interview with Tabitha Soren (1995)====
* '''I know how it's gonna be when I die. It's going to be no noise, you ain't going to hear people screaming. I'mma fade out.'''

* Marlon Brando is not a gangster-actor, he's an actor. Axl Rose and them are not gangster rock-and-rollers, they're  rock-and-rollers right. So I'm a rapper, this is what I do. I'm an artist.

* '''I think being humble is sexy.'''

* I think that I'm really, I was a reactionary, and now I don't do that any more. Same person, but I don't react. Before, I reacted. I didn't like the cameras, so I spit. 

* I'm known as a survivor now, I hope so, for the jail thing, bullets and everything, controversies and everything, I hope so. And I want to be in the future known as somebody. You know I want people to be talking about me like you know: &quot;remember when he was real bad, remember when Tupac was real bad&quot;. You know what I mean, they do that about a lot of actors now, like John Travolta I read stories like &quot;remember you were wild&quot;. And all these other people, and now they're like sweet hearts. We all should get that chance, I just want my chance.

====Prison interviews and interrogations (1995)====
:'''Interviewer''': It says &quot;I really got my ass beat. I really don't like police. 
:'''Shakur''': It doesn't say that. Where are you at? Right there... oh. I didn't say that. That's not what it says.
:'''Interviewer''': Okay. 
:'''Shakur''': It says, 'I'm a victim for real. Everything I talk is for real. I really got my ass beat. I really don't like ''them.''.. I really don't like crooked police. 

* '''Jail is big business, believe me. I'm in jail, I see the big business. You can feed a whole town off one jail. This jail is in the middle of a town that feeds everybody. Everybody works here, this is the main income. So if there were no criminals, nobody would work.'''

* '''The guns are turning away from Europe and Russia and Iran and Iraq and they're turning to us.'''

* '''America is the biggest gang in the world.'''

* '''Prison kills your spirit, straight up. It kills your spirit. There is no creativity, there's none of that.'''

* Now if we do wanna live the thug life and the gangsta' life and all that, OK, so stop being cowards and let's have a revolution. But we don't wanna do that, dudes just wanna live &quot;character&quot;, they wanna be &quot;cartoons&quot;, but if they really wanted to do something, they was that tuff, alright, let's start our own country, let's start a revolution, let's get outta' here, let's do something. But they don't wanna do that, they wanna pimp our communities and portray this image that they know we all can't survive and make, and that's what I saw.

* '''No matter what these people say about me, my music does not glorify any image, my music is spiritual if you listen to it. It's all about emotion, it's all about life.'''

* '''Watch people, because you can fake for a long time, but one day you're gonna show yourself to be a phony.''' 

* '''Measure a man by his actions fully, from the beginning to the end. Don't take a piece out of my life or a song out of my music and say this is what I'm about, because you know better than that.'''

* '''I don't feel like what I did was so evil, I just feel like the way I was living and my mentality was a part of my progression to be a man.''' 
* '''Don't support the phonies, support the real.'''

* ''Listen to the words people say in their lyrics, and tell me, if that's some real shit, if that's real to you, you know what I mean. Listen to what they sayin', don't just bob your head to the beat, peep the game, and listen to what Im saying. Hold us accountable for it.''

* '''Trust nobody, TRUST NO BODY.'''

* '''Fear is stronger than love, remember that. Fear is stronger than love, all that love I gave didn't mean nothing when it came to fear.'''

* '''The only thing that can kill me is death, that's the only thing that can ever stop me, is death, and even then my music will live forever.'''

====Interview on the set ''Gridlock'd'' (1996)====
* I've always been an actor, the reason I've been successful in the rap-game I think is that I treat my albums like movies, and I treat writing it like I'm a character writing a story, you know, for each album whatever I'm going through, whatever stages I'm going through, and I do it vividly with vivid pitcure, with action and description, and an beginning and with an end, and conflict, and you know, redemption, things like that. So I feel like I always been an actor and acting is my first love.

* If you thought about it I'm hardly the villain, I'm hardly the one you should be scared of. It's the guy who can't talk, it's the guy without a job, it's the one with scares in his face, not the one clean cut, you know what I mean you should worry about a lot of other things, but not me.

====''Details'' magazine interview (Spring 1996)====
* All good niggas, all the niggas who change the world, die in violence. They don't die in regular ways.

====Interview at Death Row offices (1996)====
* Basically It's a hypocritical view, because what your saying is it's okay for us to live in the dirt, in the gutter, in less than human conditions, but it's not okay for us to tell people that we are living in these conditions.

====''Vibe'' magazine interview (February 1996)====
* Everybody's at war with different things... I'm at war with my own heart sometimes.

====''Vibe'' magazine interview (June 1996)====
* On the whole, I don't have any friends. Friends come and go; I've lost my trust factor. I believe I have people who think they're my friend. And I believe that there are people probably in their heart who are friends toward me or are friends to me. But they're not my friends, because what I learned is that fear is stronger than love.

====''Vibe'' magazine interview (September 1996)====
* It's not like I idolize this one guy Machiavelli. I idolize that type of thinking where you do whatever's gonna make you achieve your goal.
* This new Makaveli album I got comin' out, I'm takin' on niggas. It's like, my dopest album ever. 
* I am the future of black America.
* Fuck it, I feel like I shine.

====Interview on the set of ''Gang Related'' (1996)====
* '''I can't explain why I shine and no one else shines. I think everybody shines in different things.'''

* The reason I sell 6 million records, the reason I could go to jail and come out without a scratch, the reason I can walk around, the reason I am who I am today is because I can look directly in to my face and find my soul, it's there, it's not sold, i didn't sell it, it's still within me, I still feel it, my heart is still connected to my body.

====''All Eyez on Me'' (1996)====
* My adversaries crumble when we rumble; it's a catastrophe.
**&quot;When We Ride&quot; (1996)

*It seems, my main thing was to be major paid &lt;br&gt; The [[game]] sharper than a motherfucking razor blade &lt;br&gt; Say [[money]] bring [[women|bitches]], bitches bring [[lies]]. &lt;br&gt;
:* All Eyez On Me&quot; (1996)

====&quot;Hit 'Em Up&quot; (1996)====
*You claim to be a player, but I fucked your wife.

* Killing ain't fair, but somebody's got to do it.

====''The Don Killuminati: The 7 Day Theory'' (1996)====
*More money means litigating, more player-hating. Got a cell at the pen, for me waiting. Is this my fate?
**[https://play.google.com/music/preview/Te5ppuyfquh4t6lnlla3zs6w33e?lyrics=1 &quot;Hold Ya Head&quot;]

*Currency means nothing if you still ain't free. Money breeds jealousy. Take the game from me; I hope for better days. Trouble comes naturally. Running from authorities. 'Til they capture me, and my aim is to spread more smiles than tears. Utilize lessons learned from my childhood years.
**[https://play.google.com/music/preview/Te5ppuyfquh4t6lnlla3zs6w33e?lyrics=1 &quot;Hold Ya Head&quot;]

* I ain't a [[killer]], but don't push me &lt;br&gt; [[Revenge]] is like the sweetest [[joy]] next to gettin' pussy.
** &quot;Hail Mary&quot;

=== Posthumous attributions ===
====''Tupac: Resurrection'' (2003)====
*Some people say I was a thug and a gangster; other people remember me as a poet and a born leader. But I'm saying to you, measure a man by his actions fully, through his whole life, from the beginning to the end. 

*Remember, this country had a man named [[J. Edgar Hoover]], whose job it was to destroy the credibility of any black man coming up. 

*My mother was pregnant with me while she was in prison. She was her own attorney, never been to law school. She was facing 300 and something odd years. One black woman, pregnant, beat the case. That just goes to show you the strength of a black woman and the strength of the oppressed. 

*When I was a little baby, I remember that one moment of calm peace, and three minutes after that, it was on. 

*But in my homeboys' high school, it's not like that. They don't have trips to go see this Broadway play, they don't read things we read. They didn't know when I was like: &quot;Yo, Shakespeare's dope.&quot;

*The same crime element that white people are scared of black people are scared of. While they waiting for legislation to pass, we next door to the killer. All them killers they let out, they're in that building. Just because we black, we get along with the killers? What is that? We need protection too. 

*You have to be logical. You know? If I know that in this hotel room they have food every day, and I'm knocking on the door every day to eat, and they open the door, let me see the party, let me see them throwing salami all over, I mean, just throwing food around, but they're telling me there's no food.

*Every day, I'm standing outside trying to sing my way in: We are hungry, please let us in. We are hungry, please let us in. After about a week that song is gonna change to: We hungry, we need some food. After two, three weeks, it's like: Give me the food Or I'm breaking down the door. After a year you're just like: I'm picking the lock. Coming through the door blasting.

*It's like, you hungry, you reached your level. We asked ten years ago. We was asking with the Panthers. We was asking with them, the Civil Rights Movement. We was asking. Those people that asked are dead and in jail. So now what do you think we're gonna do? Ask? 

*No, you don't wanna get me started. Jell-O with hair all in the mold. I'd be like, &quot;Damn, man, how are you gonna mess up Jell-O?&quot; Jell-O is so wholesome and family-like. It just ruins it for me. To have a hair in there, yeah. I mean, I'm like, &quot;Come on, Bill Cosby pumps this, man!&quot; 

*And you can't go, &quot;There's a hair in my Jell-O. I'd like to send this back. Can I see the cook, please?&quot; The cook is a big dude named Bubba Joe. 

*I got shot. I always felt like I'd be shot. Somebody was trying to do me some harm because a lot of people don't like me. But I didn't think it was gonna happen at that particular moment. 

* Niggers was the ones with the rope, hanging off trees; Niggas are the ones with gold ropes, hanging out at clubs.

* Measure a man by his actions fully, through his whole life, from the beginning to the end.

* Coming to grips with my past, it was hard. I don't feel like what I did was so evil, I just feel like the way I was living, and my mentality, was part of my progression to be a man.

*I'm not saying I'm gonna change the world, but I guarantee that I will spark the brain that will change the world.

* You grow, we all grow, we're made to grow. You either evolve or disappear.

* Keep ya head up. Do what you gotta do. And then, inside of you, I will be reborn.

* The real tragedy is that there are some ignorant brothers out here. That's why I'm not on this all-white or all-black shit. I'm on this all-real or all fake shit with people, whatever color you are. Because niggas will do you. I mean, there's some [foul] niggas out there [in the streets]; the same niggas that did Malcolm X, the same niggas that did Jesus Christ; every brother ain't a brother. They will do you. So just because it's black, don't mean it's cool. And just because it's white don't mean it's evil.
**From an interview with Tupac Shakur.

* But I know for a fact that had I had a father, I'd have some discipline. I'd have more confidence. Your mother cannot calm you down the way a man can. Your mother can't reassure you the way a man can. My mother couldn't show me where my manhood was. You need a man to teach you how to be a man. When I was young I was quiet, withdrawn. I read a lot, wrote poetry, kept a diary. I watched TV all day. I stayed in front of the television. It was when I was in front of the TV by myself, being alone in the house by myself, having to cook dinner by myself, eat by myself. Just being by myself and looking at TV, at families and all these people out there in this pretend world. I knew I could be part of it if I pretended too, So early on I just watched and emulated ... and I just thirsted for that. I thought if I could be and act like those characters, act like those people, I could have some of their joy. If I could act like I had a big family I wouldn't feel as lonely.

==Discography==
* ''2Pacalypse Now'' (1991)
* ''Strictly 4 My N.I.G.G.A.Z'' (1993)
* ''Thug Life: Thug Life Vol. 1'' (1994)
* ''Me Against the World'' (1995)
* ''All Eyez on Me'' (1996)
* ''Makaveli: The Don Killuminati: 7 Day Theory'' (1996)
* ''R U Still Down?'' (1997)
* ''2Pac's Greatest Hits'' (1998)
* ''Still I Rise (2Pac + Outlawz)'' (1999)
* ''The Lost Tapes'' (1989/released 2000)
* ''The Rose that Grew from Concrete'' (2000)
* ''Until the End of Time'' (2001)
* ''Better Dayz'' (2002)
* ''Tupac Resurrection'' (2003)
* ''Nu-Mixx Klazzics'' (2003)
* ''2Pac Live'' (2004)
* ''Loyal to the Game'' (2004)
* ''The Rose Vol. 2'' (2005)
* ''Live At The House Of Blues (with Outlawz, Dogg Pound, Snoop Dogg, K-Ci &amp; JoJo)'' (2005)
* ''Pac's Life'' (2006)
* ''Best Of 2Pac Vol 1:Thug'' and ''Vol 2:Life'' (2007)

==External links== 
{{wikipedia}}
{{commons category}}
* [http://www.2paclegacy.com 2Pac Legacy] (Official website)
* [http://ohhla.com/YFA_2pac.html OHHLA.COM - verified lyrics archive]
*[http://www.strictlyballin.net Strictlyballin.net] - (2Pac Fansite)
*[http://www.thugz-network.com 2Pac] - (Fansite)
*[https://lovequotesz.com/tupac-shakur-quotes/ 2PAC SHAKUR QUOTES]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Shakur, Tupac Amaru}}
[[Category:1971 births]]
[[Category:1996 deaths]]
[[Category:Musicians from the United States]]
[[Category:Poets from the United States]]
[[Category:People from New York City]]
[[Category:People from California]]
[[Category:African Americans]]
[[Category:Rappers from the United States]]
[[Category:Actors from the United States]]
[[Category:Dancers from the United States]]
[[Category:Activists from the United States]]
[[Category:Murdered people]]

Best that ever did it, but couldn't got away with it, he's returning back soon though just watch and see, bend on your knees, pray and expect him like you expect Jesus to come back.</text>
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    <title>Madonna (entertainer)</title>
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        <username>Kalki</username>
        <id>71</id>
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      <comment>Reverted edit by [[User:2.51.65.112|2.51.65.112]] ([[User talk:2.51.65.112|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/2.51.65.112|contributions]]) to last version by Ahti-Saku</comment>
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      <text bytes="136130" xml:space="preserve">{{Autor
| Nome = Madonna
| Photo = Madonna Rebel Heart Tour 2015 - Stockholm (23051472299) (cropped).jpg
| Wikisource = 
| Wikipedia = Madonna
| Wikicommons = Category:Madonna (entertainer)
}}
'''[[w:Madonna (entertainer)|Madonna Louise Ciccone]]''' (born [[16 August]] [[1958]]), known simply by her first name '''Madonna''', is an American pop singer-songwriter, dancer, and actress.
She has been often referred to, by the media, as the 'Queen of pop'.&lt;ref&gt;[http://www.guinnessworldrecords.com/content_pages/record.asp?recordid=55387]&lt;/ref&gt; Madonna's record company credited her as having sold over 300 million records worldwide.&lt;ref&gt;[http://www.marketwire.com/mw/release_html_b1?release_id=97678]&lt;/ref&gt;

== Quotes ==
* I've never really lived a conventional life, so I think it's quite foolish for me or anyone else to start thinking that I am going to start making conventional choices.
** {{cite web|url=http://www.okmagazine.com/news/madonna-misses-certain-things-about-being-married|title=Madonna Misses &quot;Certain Things&quot; About Being Married|publisher=[[w:OK!|OK!]]|date=2012-01-12}}

* To rule the world. 
** {{cite web|url=http://www.cnn.com/CNN/Programs/people/shows/madonna/timeline.html|title=Madonna Timeline|publisher=[[w:CNN|CNN]]}}
** (When asked what she wanted to do, on &quot;American Bandstand&quot;, 1983.)

* Now there's no point in placing the [[blame]] &lt;br/&gt; And you should know I'd [[suffer]] the same
** ''[[w:Frozen (Madonna song)|Frozen]]'' (February 23, 1998) from the album ''{{w|Ray of Light}}'' (March 3, 1998), cowritten with [[Patrick Leonard]].

* &quot;A lot of people are just really confused by me; they don’t know what to think of me, so they try to compartmentalize me or diminish me. Maybe they just feel unsafe. But any time you have an overtly emotional or irrational, negative reaction to something, you’re fearing something that it’s bringing up in you.&quot; 
** {{cite web|url=http://entertainment.timesonline.co.uk/tol/arts_and_entertainment/music/article6836901.ece?token=null&amp;offset=0&amp;page=1|title=Madonna Interview:Sunday Times Culture|publisher=[[w:The Times|The Times]]|date=2009-09-20}}

* Better to live one year as a tiger, than a hundred as sheep. 
**{{cite web|url=http://www.theinsider.com/news/1130430_Madonna_50_Years_Of_Wit_And_Wisdom|title=Madonna: 50 Years Of Wit And Wisdom|publisher=[[w:The Insider|The Insider]]}}

* &quot;I love horses. I think I may have been one of Henry VIII’s knights in another life, riding through a great forest.&quot; 
** {{cite web|url=http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/showbiz/news/a119799/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-madonna.html|title=The wit and wisdom of Madonna|publisher=[[w:Digital Spy|Digital Spy]]|date=2008-08-15}}

* &quot;I just like the idea of pills. I like to collect them but not actually take them. When I fell off my horse, I got tons of stuff: Demerol and Vicodin and Xanax and Valium and Oxycontin, which is supposed to be like heroin. And I'm quite scared to take them. I'm a control freak.&quot; 
**{{cite web|url=http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-library/madonna-interview-rolling-stone-december-01-2005|title=Madonna Interview : Rolling Stone|publisher=[[w:Rolling Stone|Rolling Stone]]|date=2005-12-01}}

* &quot;I'm tough, ambitious, and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay.&quot; 
** {{cite web|url=http://www.people.com/people/archive/article/0,,20113175,00.html|title=Madonna|publisher=[[w:People (magazine)|People]]|date=1992-07-27}}

* &quot;I wanted to be a boy when I was growing up because I was in love with all of the male dancers I knew and they were all gay. And I thought, Well, if I was a boy, they'd love me. So I got into role-playing then. That's where it began. I remember when I was still in high school, I had cut my hair off really short, and I was totally anorexic - I had no boobs - and I would dress like a boy and go to gay clubs and my goal was to trick men into thinking I was a boy.&quot; 
** {{cite web|url=http://www.theguardian.com/theobserver/1999/dec/12/life1.lifemagazine1|title=Ray Of Light|publisher=[[w:The Guardian|The Guardian]]|date=1999-12-01}}

* &quot;I have the most perfect belly button. When I stick my fingers in it, I feel a nerve in the center of my body shoot up my spine.&quot; 
**{{cite web|url=https://books.google.ru/books?id=9ugCQfxwym0C|title=Confessions of a Madonna|publisher=[[w:Spin magazine|SPIN]]|date=1985-05-01}}

* &quot;I liked my body growing up and I wasn't ashamed of it. I liked boys and didn't feel inhibited by them. Maybe it comes from having brothers and sharing a bathroom. The boys got the wrong impression of me at high school. They mistook forwardness for promiscuity. When they don't get what they want, they turn on you. I went through this period when all the girls thought I was loose and the boys said I was a nymphomaniac. The first boy I ever slept with was my boyfriend and we'd been going out a long time.&quot; 
** {{cite  web|url=http://time.com/3724297/madonna-rocks-the-land/|title=Madonna Rocks the Land|publisher=[[w:Time (magazine)|Time]]|date=1985-05-27}}

* I'm not interested in being Wonder Woman in the delivery room. Give me drugs.
** {{cite web|url=http://www.independent.co.uk/opinion/the-biggest-mother-of-them-all-1358620.html|title=The biggest mother of them all |publisher=[[w:The Independent|The Independent]]|date=1996-10-16}}

* &quot;She never had public favor; it was a bit like the Hillary Clinton thing. She did all the right things for her country, but she wasn't ultimately revered. So she had a conversation with her confidant-adviser. She asked him, when have they ever looked up to or idolized a woman? Only one, he told her, the Virgin Mary. So she said, Then I will become like the Virgin Mary, and she did. She created a facade for herself; she stopped having lovers; she became like a virgin. She became sexless, and painted her face in a white alabaster way, and turned herself into an icon that was untouchable and sexless, and then she had everybody's respect.&quot; 
**{{cite web|url=http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-library/madonna-interview-aperture-magazine-summer-1999|title=Madonna Interview : Aperture Magazine (Summer 1999)|publisher=[[w:Aperture|Aperture]]}}
** (About Queen of England, [[Elizabeth I]].)

* &quot;Phallic symbols. You know Catholics. I used to draw people naked all the time in my art class and my nun teachers used to tell me I had to put clothes on them. So I just drew lines around their bodies. See-through clothes.&quot; 
**{{cite web|url=http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-library/madonna-interview-island-magazine-october-1983|title=Madonna Interview : Island Magazine (October 1983)|publisher=[[w:Island Magazine|Island]]|date=1983-10-01}}
**(When asked what she used to draw as a kid). 

* &quot;Fame is a by-product. Fame is something that should happen because you do work that speaks to people and people want to know about your work. Unfortunately the personality of people has taken over from the work and the artistry and it's this thing now that stands on its own. I don't think one should ever aspire to being famous.&quot; 
**{{cite web|url=http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-library/madonna-interview-q-magazine-may-2008|title=Madonna Interview : Q Magazine (May 2008)|publisher=[[w:Q magazine|Q]]|date=2008-05-01}}

* &quot;I must have been Japanese in a previous life. I'm pretty sure I was a warrioress. I can't explain it, I just know. I'm good at fighting - fighting with a big sword.&quot; 
** {{cite web|url=http://www.femalefirst.co.uk/celebrity/Madonna-23560.html|title=Madonna's Japanese past|date=2008-11-13|publisher=femalefirst.com}}

* &quot;This is a historical evening. This is fucking important evening... We are lucky to be sharing it with each other. This is the beginning of a whole new world. Open your fucking head!&quot;
** {{cite web|url=http://www.lasvegassun.com/news/2008/nov/07/dont-cry-her-vegas/|title=Don’t cry for her, Vegas|publisher=[[w:Las Vegas Sun|Las Vegas Sun]]|date=2008-11-07}}
** Madonna Onstage in San Diego on election night, congratulated President-elect Barack Obama before a giant projected backdrop of an Obama campaign poster that read, “WE WON.” It ended with Madonna getting the crowd to chant “We are one!” 

* If we can elect an African American as president, we can support gay marriage! Defeat prop 8! We will not give up! 
**{{cite web|url=http://www.sundaytimes.lk/081109/International/sundaytimesinternational-07.html|title=Madonna says it's time US says “I do” to gay marriage|publisher=The Sunday Times|date=2008-11-09}}

* &quot;One is that we are all responsible for our actions, our behavior, and our words, and we must take responsibility for everything we say and do. When you get your head wrapped around that, you can no longer think of life as a series of random events - you participate in life in a way you didn't previously. I am the architect of my destiny. I am in charge. I bring that to me, or I push that away. You can no longer blame other people for things that happened to you. The other is that there is order in the universe, even though it looks like chaos. We separate the world into categories: this is good and this is bad. But life is set up to trick us. It's a series of illusions we invest in. And ultimately those investments don't serve our understanding, because physicality is always going to let you down, because physicality doesn't last.&quot;
**{{cite web|url=http://www.vanityfair.com/news/2008/05/madonna200805|title=Madonnarama!|publisher=[[w:Vanity Fair (magazine)|Vanity Fair]]|date=2008-05-01}}
**(About Kabbalah) 

* &quot;When I experienced what was going on first hand, I just got sucked into the whole thing. Thank God I did. I met some amazing people and, hopefully, I’ve changed the lives of a lot of children. Just as important, I think it’s been an incredible growing and learning experience for me.&quot; (About her work in Malawi).
**{{cite web|url=http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/Story?id=5251905|title=Celebrity Parade With Jeanne Wolf|publisher=[[w:ABC news|ABC]]|date=2008-06-27}}

* &quot;Not only does society suffer from racism and sexism but it also suffers from ageism. Once you reach a certain age you're not allowed to be adventurous, you're not allowed to be sexual. I mean, is there a rule? Are you supposed to just die?&quot; 
**{{cite web|url=http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/showbiz/2007-12F/10/content_6310487.htm|title=Madonna Refuses To Become A Victim of Ageism|publisher=chinadaily.com.cn|date=2007-12-18}}
** Madonna said it at 34 in [[w:Jonathan Ross|Jonathan Ross]] interview ([http://madonnascrapbook.blogspot.ru/2012/02/ageism-and-madonna-saying-fuck-you.html Ageism and Madonna]).

* &quot;Publicly humiliating someone for your own gain will only come and haunt you. God’s going to have his revenge.
**{{cite web|url=http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-library/madonna-interview-q-magazine-april-2003|title=Madonna Interview : Q Magazine|publisher=Q|date=2003-04-01}}

* I hate polite conversation. I hate it when people stand around and go, 'Hi, how are you?' I hate words that don't have any reason or meaning. Also I hate it when people smoke in elevators and closed in places. It's just so rude.
** [http://womenshistory.about.com/od/quotes/a/madonna_2.htm].

* I don't take drugs. I never did. All the feelings that drugs are supposed to produce in you - confidence or energy - I can produce naturally. The only problem is going to sleep. But I never take pills... I drink herbal teas.
** {{cite  web|url=http://time.com/3724297/madonna-rocks-the-land/|title=Madonna Rocks the Land|publisher=[[w:Time (magazine)|Time]]|date=1985-05-27}}

* I think that life is a paradox and you have to embrace that in your work and your belief systems... you can't be a literalist, and that's the trouble that people always find themselves in. That's why people always hit a wall with any of my stuff, because you can't take it literally.
**[http://dazeddigital.com/article/388/1/madonna_worldwide_exclusive_in_dazed_and_confused ''Dazed &amp; Confused'' magazine 29 February 2008]

* One of my all-time favourite poets is Charles Bukowski. I think he's the coolest guy in the world.
**[http://www.madonnanews.net/citaty.html].

* I'm not a feminist, I'm a humanist.
** (''On Stage and On The Record'' 2003).

* Listen, everyone is entitled to my opinion.
** [http://www.theinsider.com/news/1130430_Madonna_50_Years_Of_Wit_And_Wisdom].

* &quot;That consciousness is everything and that all things begin with a thought. That we are responsible for our own fate, we reap what we sow, we get what we give, we pull in what we put out. I know these things for sure.&quot; 
**[http://www.thelpa.com/lpa/quotes.html Talking about Kabbalah]

* &quot;I am because we are. We all bleed the same color. We all want to love and be loved.&quot;
** [http://www.youtube.com/user/iambecauseweare About her documentary ''I Am Because We Are'']

* Be strong, believe in freedom and in God, love yourself, understand your sexuality, have a sense of humor, masturbate, don't judge people by their religion, color or sexual habits, love life and your family.
** From ''The Great Rock 'N' Roll Quote Book'' [http://womenshistory.about.com/od/quotes/a/madonna_2.htm].

* Every time I do a show, I die a little bit, but no shit is worth doing unless you're willing to die for it.
**[http://www.powerhousebooks.com/madonna_confessions/ From ''Madonna Confessions'' book by Guy Oseary]

* &quot;I pay attention to what’s going on around me. I’m always looking for new energy, new talent, new voices. When you do that I think it’s easier to come up with fresh ideas. It's not that my career has been based on surprising people, but it’s been about challenging myself — to constantly do new things that are going to broaden my own mind and in the process, hopefully, connect with other people.&quot; 
**[http://www.parade.com/celebrity/celebrity-parade/archive/pc_0179.html ''Parade'' magazine 24 June 2008]

* &quot;Family is everything. Family comes first. It's not what I expected it to be, but nothing ever is.&quot; 
**[http://www.familyquotes4u.com/2009/03/family-quotes-page-8.html] 
**(In ''Brilla Mare Ariake'' ads).

* &quot;Now that I got everyone's attention, what do I have to say?&quot; 
**([[w:Behind_the_Music|VH1 Behind The Music]]).

* &quot;I'm not going to compromise my artistic integrity.&quot; 
**(Spoken in her documentary [[w:Truth_or_Dare_(Madonna_documentary)|Truth or Dare]]).

* &quot;I went to New York. I had a dream. I wanted to be a big star. I didn’t know anybody. I wanted to dance. I wanted to sing. I wanted to do all those things. I wanted to make people happy. I wanted to be famous. I wanted everybody to love me. I wanted to be a star. I worked really hard and my dream came true.&quot; 
**(Spoken at the beginning of the [[w:The_Virgin_Tour|Virgin Tour]] concert video).

*I have a cage&lt;br/&gt;It's called the stage&lt;br/&gt;When I'm let out&lt;br/&gt;I run about&lt;br/&gt;And sing and dance and sweat and yell&lt;br/&gt;I have so many tales to tell&lt;br/&gt;I like to push things to the edge&lt;br/&gt;And inch my way along the ledge&lt;br/&gt;I feel like God, I feel like shit&lt;br/&gt; The paradox, an even split&lt;br/&gt;It's just a job, I always say&lt;br/&gt;I should be grateful everyday&lt;br/&gt;Sometimes I think I just can't do it&lt;br/&gt;But I persist and I get through it&lt;br/&gt;And I console myself each night&lt;br/&gt;At least my cage is filled with light.
** Short poem from ''[[w:I'm_Going_to_Tell_You_a_Secret|I'm Going to Tell You a Secret]]''.

* I haven't got much time to waste&lt;br/&gt;It's time to make my way&lt;br/&gt;I'm not afraid of what I'll face&lt;br/&gt;But I'm afraid to stay. 
**(Lyrics from [[w:Jump_(Madonna_song)|Jump]]).

* &quot;Poor is the man whose pleasures depend on the permission of another.&quot; 
**(Lyrics from [[w:Justify My Love|Justify My Love]]).

* &quot;Most priests are gay.&quot; 
**(Said in ''[[w:I'm Going to Tell You a Secret|I'm Going to Tell You a Secret]]'').

* &quot;Come on girls! Do you believe in love? Cause I got something to say about it.&quot; 
**(Lyric From [[w:Express Yourself (Madonna song)|Express Yourself]]).

* &quot;I was sacked from Dunkin' Donuts for squirting the donuts jelly all over the customers.&quot;
** [http://www.careerbuilder.com/Article/CB-1074-Changing-Jobs-Before-They-Made-It-Big/?ArticleID=1074&amp;cbRecursionCnt=1&amp;cbsid=2cff0592cadd497eb4f83b543bacdaca-290878106-RC-4&amp;ns_siteid=ns_xx_g_I_was_sacked_from_Dun_]
** About working in Dunkin' Donuts in New York before becoming famous.

* &quot;Rejection is the greatest aphrodisiac.&quot; 
**(Lyric from &quot;Forbidden Love&quot;, [[w:Bedtime Stories (Madonna_album)|Bedtime Stories]]).

* &quot;The cross is a very powerful symbol and it symbolizes suffering, but it also is connected to a person who was loving and sharing and his message was about unconditional love. I tried to take a powerful image and use it to draw attention to a situation that needs attention. For me, we all need to be Jesus in our time. Jesus' message was to love your neighbor as yourself and these are people in need.&quot; 
**[http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/showbiz/2007-02/17/content_811558.htm Explaining the controversial crucifixion scene in her Confessions tour]

* &quot;I fear the future I wish for my children is at risk, so I'm taking action. Please join me. Our greatest risk is not terrorism, and it's not Iraq or the &quot;Axis of Evil&quot;. Our greatest risk is a lack of leadership, a lack of honesty and a complete lack of consciousness. Unfortunately our current government cannot see the big picture. They think too small. They suffer from the “what's in it for me?” syndrome. The simple truth is that the current administration has squandered incredible opportunities to bring the world together, to promote peace in regions that have only known war, to encourage health in places that are ravaged with disease, to make us more secure by living up to our principles at home and abroad. The simple truth is that the policies of our current administration do not reflect what is great about America.&quot; 
**[http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,107771,00.html From Madonna's open letter about the War in Iraq &amp; the Bush administration]

* &quot;It takes a Real man to fill my shoes.&quot; 
**[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9kIqualuElwSaid Said during The VMA's '99, after number of men put a drag show dressed as her]

* &quot;Maybe I'm just a gay man inside a woman's body!&quot; 
**(Talking to Michael Parkinson in November '05 interview).

* &quot;I don't care if you have a small dick, as long as you know how to use that stick.&quot; 
**(From [[w:The_Girlie_Show_World_Tour|The Girlie Show]]).

* &quot;Hey you! Don't be silly! Put a rubber on your willie!&quot; 
**(Poem written for AIDS P.S.A).

* &quot;No man can have sex with anyone but me and since I don't have that kind of time on my hands, you might as well all be gay!&quot; 
**(Joked during Johnjay and Rich interview, 11 April '08).

* &quot;I'll flirt with anyone from garbagemen to grandmothers.&quot; 
**[http://www.thequotegenerator.com/chat/page/quote-generator-chat-guidelines]

* &quot;If you don't like my attitude, then you can fuck off, just go to Texas and suck George Bush's dick!&quot; 
**(Singing 'I Love New York' at Coachella Festival 2006).

* &quot;When I came to New York it was the first time I'd ever taken a plane, the first time I'd ever gotten a taxi-cab, the first time for everything. And I came here with 35 dollars in my pocket. It was the bravest thing I'd ever done.&quot; 
**[https://www.beautyelife.net/madonna-age-children-life-biography/].

* &quot;For me, a male image that I'm really moved by is somewhere between of Oscar Wilde type of a male: the fop, the long hair, the suits, too witty for his own good, incredibly smart, scathingly funny - all that. But then my other ideal is more like the Buddhist monk - the shaved head, actually someone who sublimates their sexuality.&quot; 
**[http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-interviews-articles/aperture-magazine-summer-1999 ''Aperture'' Magazine 1999]

* &quot;I am attracted to a thug. I like that quality, but I like the other side of it, too. Because all guys who go around behaving in macho ways are really scared little girls. So you have to look beneath the surface. There's a difference between my ideal man and a man that I'm sexually attracted to, believe me. Therein lies the rub.&quot; 
**[http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-interviews-articles/aperture-magazine-summer-1999 ''Aperture'' Magazine 1999]

* &quot;Hollywood is about playing the game, and I can't think of any successful actresses who didn't play the game. there's a lot more renegades in the music business, from Patti Smith to Janis Joplin.&quot; 
**[http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-interviews-articles/aperture-magazine-summer-1999 ''Aperture'' Magazine 1999]

* &quot;David Bowie has a huge influence on me because his was his first concert I went to see. I remember watching him and thinking I didn't know what sex he was, and it didn't matter. Because one minute he was wearing body stockings - the whole Ziggy Stardust thing - and the next minute he was the Thin White Duke in white double-breasted suits, and there's something so androgynous about him. And I think androgyny, whether it's David Bowie or Helmut Berger, that has really really influenced my work more than anything.&quot; 
**[http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-interviews-articles/aperture-magazine-summer-1999 ''Aperture'' Magazine 1999]

* &quot;I am my own experiment. I am my own work of art.&quot; 
**[http://www.girlscantwhat.com/2007/10/15/i-am-my-own-experiment/]

* &quot;When I got my first paycheck, $5'000 or something. I bought a Leger and I bought a Frida Kahlo self-portrait, but I don't know which came first. But I remember buying it and I had just gotten married and it looked completely out of place in my house in Malibu.&quot; (When asked what was the first painting she bought). 
**[http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-interviews-articles/aperture-magazine-summer-1999 ''Aperture'' Magazine 1999]

* &quot;I've always been kind of obsessed with Frida Kahlo, so I was really into the idea of getting something that belonged to her. And then from Frida Kahlo I found out about Tina Modotti and then I started collecting her stuff and Edward Weston, and one person always leads to another person with me, because for me it started with Diego Rivera, then it went to Frida Kahlo, then it went to Tina, and Edward and... Also, if you're into Picasso, and you want to find out about him and that whole area of art and European culture, then you start reading about Man Ray and the surrealists and Andre Breton, and all of a sudden you're in that whole world and you start having interests in other people. It's like a disease.&quot; 
**[http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-interviews-articles/aperture-magazine-summer-1999 ''Aperture'' Magazine 1999]

* &quot;What else is there for me to conquer? Hopefully my ego. How will I know when I've succeeded? When I stop caring what anyone thinks.&quot;  
**[http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-interviews-articles/q-magazine-may-2008 ''Q'' Magazine May 2008]

* &quot;When in doubt act like god&quot;. 
**[http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/2004/oct/31/usa.religion ABC 20/20 interview 2004]

* &quot;One must dare to show what he wants. You have to go and ask for things rather than wait for them to happen.&quot; 
**(Crillon Hotel, Paris, November 1998).

* &quot;I'd like to think I am taking people on a journey; I am not just entertaining people, but giving them something to think about when they leave.&quot; 
**[http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/showbiz/2007-02/17/content_811558.htm].

* &quot;One set of circumstances does not complete you. Maybe nothing ever does. So you work on your life and you work on your 'work' and you try to live every single day like it's your last. And you try to be better, to yourself and to others. I don't always succeed. But I try and it's my goal.&quot; 
**[http://www.wowowow.com/entertainment/liz-smith-living-legend-madonna-398128?page=0%2C0]

* &quot;I stand for freedom of expression, doing what you believe in, and going after your dreams.&quot; 
**[http://www.studyworld.com/newsite/Quotes/QuoteByTopic.asp?i=Dream]

* I'm everything!
**[http://madonnascrapbook.blogspot.com/2009/10/im-everything-entertainment-news-report.html].

* Italians do it Better 
** [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R5nE1J0lKpY]
** (From the famous T-shirt she wears in the video [[w:Papa Don't Preach|Papa Don't Preach]] at the minute 1:10.)

* Life's too short to be bitter, I'm too short to be bitter.
**[http://www.last.fm/user/helena_wanje].

* Beauty is where you find it.
**(Lyrics from [[w:Vogue_(song)|Vogue]]).

* Absolutely no regrets.
**(Lyrics from [[w:Human Nature (Madonna_song)|Human Nature]]).

=== On The Late Show with David Letterman (1994) ===
:&lt;small&gt;[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cRSP5ZUmxP8= The show online]&lt;/small&gt;

* Madonna: &quot;Is that a rug?&quot; ''(referring to David Letterman's hair)''.

* Letterman: ''(after the singer brands him a &quot;sick fuck&quot;)'' &quot;You realize this is being broadcast don't you?&quot;

* Madonna: &quot;Listen, all you do is talk about my sex life on your show, so now you don't want to talk about my sex life when I'm on your show?!&quot;

* Letterman: &quot;I want to thank you folks for coming out for this run-through show. Thank you very much. This, of course, will never see the light of day. You won't miss a thing tonight.&quot;

* Letterman: &quot;Oh, stop it! Will you stop? Ladies and gentlemen, turn down your volume. Turn down the volume immediately! She can't be stopped! There's something wrong with her!&quot;

* Madonna: &quot;I am a sick fuck I have my nose in everybody's sex life!&quot;

=== From [[w:Sex (book)|Sex]] book ===

* &quot;Straight men need to be emasculated. I'm sorry. They all need to be slapped around. Women have been kept down for too long. Every straight guy should have a man's tongue in his mouth at least once.&quot;

* &quot;Then there are guys who say 'I have never fantasized about being with a man.' They are lying. And the least offensive men I've been with in terms of their sexual politics and how they view me as a woman, have been men who have either slept with men, or at least kissed or held a man once. It opens up your thinking. You don't think that women are less-than you are.&quot;

* &quot;My pussy has nine lives.&quot;

* &quot;A lot of people are afraid to say what they want. That's why they don't get what they want.&quot;

* &quot;I think I have a dick in my brain. I don't need to have one between my legs.&quot;

== Quotations about Madonna ==
{{cleanup|2009-08-18}}

===Family===
* '''[[w:Christopher Ciccone|Christopher Ciccone]]''':
** &quot;I was born my mother's son, but I will die my sister's brother. I no longer balk at the truth, because when all is said and done and written, I am truly proud that Madonna is my sister and always will be.&quot; [http://madgenetwork.blogspot.com/2008/07/life-with-my-sister-madonna-intro.html]
** &quot;It was fucking endless. Every time we went to his goddamn house in Malibu, from the moment we arrived until the moment we left: 'Marry me, just marry me.' And she [Madonna] was like, 'Hahaha.' He was endless.&quot; (on David Geffen constantly asking Madonna to marry him) [http://www.vanityfair.com/culture/features/2008/07/wayne_ciccone200807?currentPage=2]

* '''[[w:Guy Ritchie|Guy Ritchie]]''':
** &quot;Funnily enough, we took out the bits that my wife recommended we take out the first time she saw it.&quot; (About his film, ''Revolver'') [http://www.beautyandthedirt.com/show.asp?ID=2434]
** &quot;It works because, first, I love her. That helps in a marriage. I actually like her, which is even more rare in a marriage.&quot; (About being married to Madonna) [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;new_topic=8]
** ''Interviewer'': &quot;who’s in charge at home?&quot;&lt;br/&gt;''Guy Ritchie'': &quot;I’ve got to tell you, we’re just like any other married couple.&quot;&lt;br/&gt;''Interviewer'': &quot;So she’s in charge?&quot;&lt;br/&gt;''Guy Ritchie'': &quot;Yes!&quot; [http://www.reuters.com/article/peopleNews/idUSLAU66309020071206]
** &quot;She is brilliant and brilliant at what she does.&quot; [http://www.newsoftheworld.co.uk/showbiz/rav/article19677.ece]
** &quot;She's a manifester, if there ever was one. First-rate manifester. Madonna makes things happen. Put Madonna up against any twenty-three-year-old, she'll outwork them, outdance them, outperform them. The woman is broad.&quot; [http://www.esquire.com/features/guy-ritchie-interview-1109-3#ixzz0UbMeBVMe].

* '''[[w:Joe Henry|Joe Henry]]''': &quot;I've known her since I was 15 and she was 17, longer than I've known my wife. We have had a great relationship, and part of that was because I never needed anything from her. I recognised that we were in two different occupations. Not to disparage one ounce of her musicality, I was always of the belief that her persona was her career. Whether she was making a movie or writing a song or punching a photographer, it was all pushing a persona forward, and that was the real body of work. I was never tempted to slip a song to her at thanksgiving.&quot; [http://www.madonnatribe.com/news/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=1124]

* '''[[Sean Penn]]''':
** &quot;She was in the process of becoming the biggest star in the world. I just wanted to make my films and hide. I was an angry young man. I had a lot of demons and don't really know who could have lived with me at the time. I was just as badly behaved as her, so I can't point the finger of blame.&quot; [http://www.allmovieportal.com/c/seanpenn.html]
** &quot;She was a phenomenon, but nothing could have told anybody what would happen next. I describe that marriage as loud. That's how I remember it. I don't recall having a single conversation in four years of marriage. I've talked to her a few times since, and there's a whole person there. I just didn't know it. I was just living in my own head. Who was it that said: 'Men are vain, particularly young men'? That was me, and I liked to drink a lot. [http://breakingnews.iol.ie/entertainment/?jp=mhmhojsnkfcw]
** &quot;[She's] very real, very sensitive.&quot; [http://showbiz.sky.com/Sean-Glad-I-Ditched-Madge]
** &quot;Nothing that I could possibly some up with is as important as her. No whale, no nuclear war, no starving nation is more important, either.&quot; [http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_38T64sfKt3Y/Smo6ku3b8iI/AAAAAAAAGI4/vBPrisYisSY/s1600-h/us_loose_talk_Scan10102.jpg]

===Music Industry===
* '''[[w:William Orbit|William Orbit]]''': &quot;You know, she hasn't shouted about her musical abilities, but she is the consummate songwriter. She listens to classic musicals a lot. Not just the obvious ones, like ''[[Singin' in the Rain]]'', but the lesser ones. I remember one time we all had dinner in Germany, and somebody brought up old musicals, and she was the one who knew all the verses. And she writes really solid, melodic stuff like that.&quot;[https://www.rollingstone.com/music/music-news/madonna-cant-stop-the-music-164212/]

* '''[[w:Sting|Sting]]''': &quot;She's outrageous, she's provocative, she's inscrutable. And over the years, we've all been witnessed to her evolution, from street smart kid sister to virgin bride, from sex goddess to a yogi. Her mind is as celebrated as her body, she's as feared as she's desired, she leads while others follow... A woman who is all woman, and all women.&quot; [http://wherethereswil.blogspot.com/2007/12/music-makes-people-come-together.html].

* '''[[Janet Jackson]]''': &quot;I think she's done wonderful things. She's done great things in her career, in her life, and more power to her.&quot;[http://www.janet-love.com/2008/02/29/janet-speaks-to-hx-magazine/ HX magazine March 2008]

* '''[[w:Mary J. Blige|Mary J. Blige]]''': &quot;I don't think the music business, as far as females, would be anything without Madonna.&quot; [http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x6gk0r_gwyneth-paltrow-and-george-clooney_news] 

* '''[[Tupac Shakur]]''': &quot;I was letting people dictate who should be my friends. I felt like because I was this big Black Panther type of nigga, I couldn't be friends with Madonna. And so I dissed her, even though she showed me nothing but love. I felt bad, because when I went to jail, I called her and she was the only person that was willing to help me.&quot; [http://www.thugz-network.com/Tupac~Shakur~Interview~Ready~To~Live.php]

* '''[[Marilyn Manson]]''': &quot;I watched a screening of her [Madonna's] film and I was sitting right next to her, which to me was exciting still. I’m not jaded enough to not be excited by that.&quot; [http://www.mansonusa.com/celebritarian/?page=2]

* '''[[w:Sinéad O'Connor|Sinéad O'Connor]]''': &quot;I love her, I adore her and I respect her. I pity her for all the analysis she has to put up with.&quot; [http://madonnajam.iespana.es/said.html?0&amp;weborama=-1#sinnead]

* '''[[Cyndi Lauper]]''':
** &quot;What's your issue? You know how many old geezers do you see with young women. What's the double standard? Who cares? You know, they're both adults. Who cares? What's good for the goose is good for the gander.&quot; (When asked about what she thinks about Madonna dating younger man). [http://nymag.com/daily/intel/2009/02/cyndi_lauper_applauds_madonnas.html]
** &quot;It's so inspiring to see her work and she's got some spunk.&quot; [http://itn.co.uk/news/b8851c0f0e02b4adc6f0321ff907fa30.html]
** &quot;We’re both admirers of each others work.&quot; [http://popdirt.com/cyndi-lauper-and-madonna-to-team-up-this-year/47051/]

* '''[[w:Mirwais|Mirwais]]''': &quot;Once I collaborated with the Queen Bee, whoever came after her seemed a little boring to me! Many came to ask me to produce tracks, from Depeche Mode to [[Jennifer Lopez]], but I said no to all of them!&quot; [http://www.absolumentmadonna.fr/artworks/20090529-BREVES02en.png]

* '''DJ Enferno''': &quot;She has so much knowledge– she’s been in the business for so long, she’s got so many good ideas, and she’s really witty, that was one surprising thing that I found out about her. She’s really sharp and she’ll kind of bust your chops a little bit.&quot; [http://www.myfoxdc.com/dpp/news/virginia/052209_local_dj_spins_on_madonnas_tour]

* '''[[w:Seymour Stein|Seymour Stein]]''': &quot;I was in the hospital, I had her come see me in the hospital, we talked a deal in the hospital and we did the deal in the hospital. Within days, even before I got out of the hospital, she was starting to record what became her first single, Everybody, and we were off and running. I saw her staunch determination and I knew she would work as hard as I did and much harder, in fact. And that's what you need in an artist. She worked harder than anybody. I just saw her perform in Berlin, and she still works harder than anybody.&quot; [http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/7661105.stm].

* '''[[w:Shakira|Shakira]]''': &quot;I admire Madonna because she always did whatever she felt like doing. She went through some controversial periods when people rejected her, but she kept on reinventing herself.&quot; [http://www.tv.com/shakira/person/86809/biography.html].

* '''[[w:Lenny Kravitz|Lenny Kravitz]]''': &quot;She's a genius, she can do no wrong.&quot; ''[[w:Behind the Music|VH1 Behind The Music]]''.

* '''[[w:Daddy G.|Daddy G.]]''': &quot;Working with Madonna is something to tell to your grandsons.&quot; [http://madonnajam.iespana.es/said.html?0&amp;weborama=-1#daddy]

* '''[[w:DJ Gordon Edge|DJ Gordon Edge]]''': &quot;She is very natural. I did not get to know her as a person but she is down-to-earth and straightforward. She just speaks her mind.&quot; [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=19352]

* '''[[w:Donna Summer|Donna Summer]]''': &quot;I was sitting around thinking I should do something. I was thinking about design school. A friend said, 'Are you out of your mind? Do an album.' But I like privacy and I like my space. I like being with my family. You have to be in the right frame of mind. You can't be like 'Don't touch me.' to your fans or saying 'I don't want to sign autographs.' I think I was exhausted for a lot of years. I have to take my hat off to people like Madonna. They keep doing it.&quot; [http://blogs.sun-sentinel.com/features_fashion/2009/05/donna-summer-disco-crayons-pop-concert-stamp-your-feet.html].

* '''[[Ayumi Hamasaki]]''': &quot;I really like Madonna. What I admire is she's made it on her own terms.&quot; [http://web.archive.org/web/20020403141617/http://www.time.com/time/asia/features/ayumi_hamasaki/int_ayumi2.html].

* '''[[Björk]]''':
** &quot;Just the fact that she made it look good to control your own life when that was something that was not supposed to be very sexy for a woman. She's one of the few women who has remained true to herself and been a character.&quot; [http://violet.abc.se/~m8996/bjork/interviw/rs-no695.html]
** &quot;I really respect Madonna and I think she's quiet attractive a person, but, although it's not her fault, it does exist a world that surrounds her and spoils everything. It's not her, it's the media and all of this. I received an offer to write a lyric and a melody for her, and I felt quite honored.&quot; [http://madonnajam.iespana.es/said.html?0&amp;weborama=-1#bjork]

* '''[[w:Beyoncé|Beyoncé]]''': &quot;I love Madonna. I do! Definitely. It all works for Madonna. I mean, I couldn’t do a lot of the things she does, but it works for her. I watched the &quot;Human Nature&quot; music video for the &quot;Check On It&quot; video even though it didn't come out anything like it. I wanted to do something like that but we didn't have time to do it because it was just a 12-hour shoot.&quot; [http://www.me-me-me.tv/2007/05/25/beyonce-exclusive-other-ways-madonna-has-inspired-me/]

* '''[[Rihanna]]''':
** &quot;I want to be the black Madonna.&quot; [http://www.entertainmenthit.com/madonna/rihanna_wants_to_be_madonna.html]
** &quot;When I did that Metallic stuff for my &quot;Umbrella&quot; video, I didn't do it to show my body. I didn't do it for people to like me. I did it because it was a cool visual, unexpected and I looked hot. I just find myself leaning towards stuff that only Madonna can pull off.&quot; [http://whimsycrusader.blogspot.com/2007/07/dear-paper-magazine.html].

* '''[[w:Sean Combs|Sean Combs]]''': &quot;I'd like to do something with Madonna in Malawi. I see what she does and I think it's fantastic. I'd like to help in any way I can.&quot; [http://www.hollyscoop.com/p-diddy/pdiddy-wants-to-join-madonnas-malawi-campaign_16235.aspx]

* '''[[w:Ricky Martin|Ricky Martin]]''': &quot;I know Madonna as a mother, and she’s exemplary, the love she gives her kids is a dream, and I know that her heart is big enough to adopt not just one child but to adopt 20.&quot; [http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/10/25/AR2006102501003.html].

* '''[[Bono]]''': &quot;Madonna should be applauded for helping to take a child out of the worst poverty imaginable and giving him a better chance in life. Baby David is lucky to have been adopted by someone who can give him a chance of survival in this world and I don't think it's fair that people are criticizing her.&quot; [http://www.nme.com/news/madonna/25047]

* '''[[w:Melanie Brown|Melanie Brown]]''': &quot;It's easy for critics to knock celebrities who choose to adopt, but it's a good thing that Madonna's doing. Not only is she highlighting the plight of orphans in Africa, she's also giving this little girl the chance of a better life.&quot; [http://news.superiorpics.com/2009/04/12/BROWN_BACKS_MADONNA_ADOPTION_BID.html].

* '''[[Britney Spears]]''': [http://womenshistory.about.com/od/quotes/a/madonna_5.htm]
** &quot;I performed at Mom and Dad's party when I was four. Oh my gosh, I was singing a Madonna song and I peed myself.&quot;
** &quot;I would really, really, really like to be a legend like Madonna. Madonna knows what to do next, and when she's performing, the audience is just in awe of her.&quot;
** &quot;I really love 'Like a Prayer' because it was the first one I learned every word to.&quot; (2008).

* '''[[Jon Bon Jovi]]''': &quot;Madonna has been incredibly important to the 1980s, musically... a little disco queen who... became an icon.&quot; (1990).

* '''[[Alice Cooper]]''': &quot;Look at Madonna; she did all the outrageous stuff, but she could sing. She was a great performer! If she got up there and she couldn't sing a lick, I'd go, 'Ok, this is a sideshow.' But, she can really sing.&quot; [http://www.noisecreep.com/2010/01/29/alice-cooper-loves-lady-gaga-and-madonna/]

* '''[[w:The Androids|The Androids]]''':
** '' &quot;I'd rather do it with Madonna&lt;br/&gt;She's what a woman's supposed to be&lt;br/&gt;Oh Madonna won't you do it with me?&lt;br/&gt;The only girl I'll ever need&lt;br/&gt;She's really got me on my knees&lt;br/&gt;Have you seen that film clip where she's wearing the cowboy hat and she's kicking the dirt.&quot; '' (from the song &quot;I'd Rather Do it with Madonna&quot;) [http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/androids/doitwithmadonna.html].

* '''[[Robbie Williams]]''':
** &quot;I just want to say how much I enjoyed Madonna's performance. She is an absolute professional and she makes us all look like amateurs.&quot;
** &quot;Madonna is the ultimate in our day and age of the grass being greenest. Guy Ritchie is a lucky man. I do happen to fancy Madonna. She rehearses her arse off. Goes to the gym every day. She does all that stuff to get it spot-on and then she delivers. I'm in awe of her drive.&quot; [http://www.glamourmagazine.co.uk/daily-gossip/default.aspx?id=34877]

* '''[[Darren Hayes]]''':
** &quot;I’m fascinated by Madonna of all the famous people I have ever been introduced to, she was the only person who had that thing you imagine that Elvis or Marilyn Monroe had where you walk into a room and all the oxygen disappears in their direction.&quot; [http://www.pluggedinonline.com/read/read/a0004062.cfm]
** &quot;You know what? Everyone always talks about her image or her personality or her political stance. But for me it’s actually the voice and the songs. I think she is totally underrated as a vocalist and as a songwriter. She deserves so much more credit for her melodic sense and her emotive voice. I don’t know why people haven’t joined the dots yet but you can pretty much put her in a room with anyone and she’ll come up with the goods. That’s a producer right there. That’s a talent.&quot; [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=18619]
* &quot;What impressed me most? Her stamina, dedication and perfection. Her precision and respect for her body and the craft. What an icon! What a role model for women! I bow down to the one I truly serve!!&quot; [http://www.darrenhayes.com/dh/index.php?option=com_content&amp;task=view&amp;id=577&amp;Itemid=47]

* '''[[Justin Timberlake]]''':
** &quot;Her work ethic is very infectious in the studio. I was kind like, man, I'm too slow. She's a workhorse. I'm just a fan. I'm basically just a fan who, like, tricked Madonna.&quot;[http://www.madonnatribe.com/news/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=555]
** &quot;She's a very talented lady, There are definitely moments when I think, wow, I'm singing with Madonna. But she's so cool. She's very clever, very innovative. I was humbled working with her. She's fun to work with and she takes advice. Plus she has an amazing mind.&quot; [https://archive.is/20121230155638/www.news.com.au/heraldsun/story/0,21985,22209835-5006024,00.html]
** &quot;There’s only one Madonna. It was amazing. I’m still trying to figure out if she knew we were there, cause I was just constantly staring at her. I became like the weird stalker in the corner!&quot; [http://perezhilton.com/?p=4280#respond]
** &quot;As we were rehearsing she was running circles around me.&quot; [http://www.etonline.com/news/2008/11/67472/index.html]
** &quot;The world is full of Madonna wannabes. I might have even dated a couple. But there truly is only one Madonna. Though I’m pretty sure Little Richard would disagree, the truth is that nobody has ever gotten into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame while still looking this damn fine.&quot; [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=enA4OUzR2XM]
** &quot;People always ask if she is the control freak people say she is. Hell yeah! We had a recording session in London and I wasn't feeling well. She said: 'Would you like a B12 shot?' She reached into her handbag, pulled a zip-lock bag of B12 syringes and says: 'Drop 'em.' I don't know what you say to that, so I dropped my pants. She gave me the shot in my ass and then she looks at me and she says, 'Nice top shelf.' It was one of the greatest days of my life. That is what Madonna will always be to us. The shot in the ass when we really need it.&quot; [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hiTwqjefrUw]

* '''[[George Michael]]''':
** &quot;Madonna has made it difficult for the rest of us but even if I gave myself another five years I'd never be able to fit into that bloody leotard!&quot; [http://www.startrip.tv/george_michael/index.html]
** &quot;In many respects, she's the perfect pop artist.&quot; [http://books.google.co.il/books?id=Cjea8TsM0hkC&amp;pg=PA94&amp;lpg=PA94&amp;dq=%22she%27s+the+perfect+pop+artist%22&amp;source=web&amp;ots=L055seRr75&amp;sig=tNidX_r1B9xEPHiqeQX8bgp0XFQ&amp;hl=iw&amp;sa=X&amp;oi=book_result&amp;resnum=2&amp;ct=result#PPA95,M1]

* '''[[w:Liz Phair|Liz Phair]]''': &quot;Madonna is the speedboat, and the rest of us are just the Go-Go's on water skis.&quot; [http://web.archive.org/19990204000533/www.geocities.com/sunsetstrip/Club/2471/lizpeers.html].

* '''[[Cher]]''': &quot;She could afford to be a little more magnanimous and a little less of a cunt.&quot; [http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/2005/nov/20/popandrock.madonna]

* '''[[w:Kylie Minogue|Kylie Minogue]]''': &quot;Madonna's the Queen of Pop, I'm the princess. I'm quite happy with that.&quot; [http://www.topix.net/forum/who/madonna/T5650KQUJTGES0EI1]

* '''[[Timbaland]]''': &quot;Madonna's a funky lady, she's up for everything.&quot; [http://www.mirror.co.uk/showbiz/3am/tm_method=full%26objectid=18897798%26siteid=89520-name_page.html].

* '''[[w:Christophe Willem|Christophe Willem]]''': &quot;In music, the one who has reached the tops, it's Madonna.&quot; [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=17859]

* '''[[w:Damon Gough|Damon Gough]]''':
** &quot;I'd like to work on collaborations with some other artists like Madonna. She would be my first choice.&quot; [http://www.contactmusic.com/news.nsf/article/badly%20drawn%20boy%20desperate%20to%20work%20with%20madonna_1024002]
** &quot;...I think Madonna might be the only person my girlfriend would forgive me for straying away just overnight with -- because I think she'd do the same.&quot; [http://www.rollingstone.com/artists/badlydrawnboy/articles/story/5933746/badly_drawn_blows_off_madonna]

* '''[[w:Sophie Ellis-Bextor|Sophie Ellis-Bextor]]''': [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=17998]
** &quot;She has this ability to have you in the palm of her hand again. I went to see her last year in the Confessions on a Dance Floor and it was brilliant, it was really inspiring.&quot;
** &quot;I think the thing that Madonna does, which I hope I can do, is that she has this ability to come across as quite austere at the beginning …not cold exactly but a little detached. But at the end of it she looks like she’s having a great time - she’s dancing, and you’re dancing, and it’s all great. I think that’s really clever how she gets that dynamic to work. You always feel at the end of it that you’ve somehow won her over. I don’t know, that’s a real…you know what I mean? Not everyone has that.&quot;

* '''[[w:Susanna Hoffs|Susanna Hoffs]]''': &quot;I think she's really great. I respect and admire her and think she's really talented.&quot; (From the book ''&quot;Madonna talking&quot;'' by Mick St. Michael).

* '''[[w:Eugene Hutz|Eugene Hutz]]''':
** &quot;Madonna is a funny person, respectful and collaborative. I've been aware for a year that Madonna was a Gogol Bordello fan and in the end, we met trough mutual friends and we spoke a lot.&quot;
** &quot;I think she was very good and most of all she was scrupulous, that's something I think it's essential for a director. She knew what she wanted and she gave me total creative freedom, so for me it was an incredible experience.&quot; [http://www.madonnatribe.com/news/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=696]

* '''[[w:Marc Almond|Marc Almond]]''': &quot;It was a hell-hole. There were prostitutes upstairs, junkies downstairs and it was a bare room with a bed, nylon sheets, and a kitchenette with dirty plates and a lamp. I’ve always felt ashamed she stayed in such a pit. If I’d known in 1983 how big she’d become, I'd have cut up the sheets and sold them on ebay.&quot; [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=18182][http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=18210]

* '''[[w:Tom Meighan|Tom Meighan]]''': &quot;Ooh, Madonna’s thighs! She reminds me of my old dance teacher, who I used to have a crush on. Who didn’t have a huge crush on Madonna when they were a kid? &quot;I’d marry her. If she came for me, I really would.&quot; [http://www.pr-inside.com/entertainment-blog/2007/07/09/meighan-marry-me-madonna/]

* '''[[Don McLean]]''': &quot;Madonna is a colossus in the music industry and she is going to be considered an important historical figure as well. She is a fine singer, a fine songwriter and record producer, and she has the power to guarantee success with any song she chooses to record. It is a gift for her to have recorded 'American Pie.'I have heard her version and I think it is sensual and mystical. I also feel that she's chosen autobiographical verses that reflect her career and personal history. I hope it will cause people to ask what's happening to music in America. I have received many gifts from God but this is the first time I have ever received a gift from a goddess.&quot; [http://music.yahoo.com/read/news/12039019]

* '''[[w:Peter Hook|Peter Hook]]''': &quot;Madonna's like a Black Widow spider. She tends to use people, then they shrivel up and disappear. She sat there with her back to us, and Rob went up and said, 'We were wondering if you wanted to appear later at the club', and she just went, 'Fuck off.'&quot; [http://earsucker.com/2009/11/09/peter-hook-calls-madonna-a-black-widow-spider]

* '''[[w:Steve Bray|Steve Bray]]''': &quot;If people feel exploited by Madonna - that's resentment of someone who's got drive. It seems like you're leaving people behind or you're stepping on them, and the fact is you're moving and they're not... Madonna doesn't care if she ruffles someone's feathers.&quot; [http://www.topix.net/forum/who/madonna/T5650KQUJTGES0EI1]

* '''[[Pet Shop Boys]]''': &quot;Madonna always looks ahead, both for looks and sounds, just like we do.&quot; [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=18386]

* '''[[w:Fran Healy|Fran Healy]]''': &quot;I had a massive crush on Madonna when I was a kid, I mean it was huge. It was worrying. I just thought she was amazing.&quot; [http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/entertainment/showbiz-news/showbiz-news/2008/10/27/i-used-to-have-crush-on-madonna-admits-travis-star-fran-healy-86908-20844000/]

* '''[[Dave Grohl]]''': &quot;...It could be Madonna, if she wants to come do a couple of shots of Jagermeister with her friend Dave she's more than welcome to come into the room and I'll pour her some chilli shots of whisky, it'll be great!&quot; [http://www.contactmusic.com/news.nsf/article/grohl%20wants%20to%20party%20with%20madonna_1029232]

* '''[[w:Kim Gordon|Kim Gordon]]''': &quot;She's strong, beautiful and a manipulator. Qualities which makes her to write great songs.&quot; [http://madonnajam.iespana.es/said.html?0&amp;weborama=-1#sonic]

* '''[[w:Stephen Malkmus|Stephen Malkmus]]''': &quot;She doesn't seem to run out of ideas, does she. I used to love her when I was 14 or so. I had a regular crush on her. I couldn't swear if it was her music that fascinated me, or the generous cleavage. But yeah, she was hot.&quot; [http://www.nyrock.com/interviews/pavement_int.htm].

* '''[[w:Pat Boone|Pat Boone]]''': &quot;[Madonna's] a talented tart.&quot; [http://community.seattletimes.nwsource.com/archive/?date=19901029&amp;slug=1101206]

* '''[[Natasha Bedingfield]]''': &quot;I have so much respect for Madonna after learning how hard it is to sing [&quot;Ray of Light&quot;]. She has an amazing voice - the range you need to sing the song is incredible.&quot; [http://www.madonnatribe.com/news/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=1193]

* '''[[w:Annie Lennox|Annie Lennox]]''': &quot;Lo and behold, Madonna's track came back and she'd sung the second verse, which was a huge bonus. I was really touched - for Madonna is very rigorous in what she gets involved in and for her to do that for me, I was thrilled to bits.&quot; [http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/7027966.stm].

* '''[[w:Ludacris|Ludacris]]''': &quot;Madonna was so low key and so incognito that I hardly noticed her, and when I did it kinda caught me by storm. But honestly speaking, she's a really down to earth, really cool individual. I'm glad I got a chance to meet her – rub some of that energy off!&quot; [http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20223682,00.html?xid=rss-topheadlines]

* '''[[Fergie]]''': &quot;Oh MADONNA! You know, I saw her after her concert and I wanted to give her some positive words but I didn't want to talk too much to her because I understand what it feels like after a show when there's a lot of people in the room who want to see you. I wanted to give her some kind words but I didn't want to take up her time. I really wanted to ask her some more questions but I doubt it would have been as exciting for her as it was for me! But if I ever got the chance to sit down with her I think I'd want to ask her some advice questions and I would love to collaborate with her. That would be amazing.&quot; [http://www.ahlanlive.com/7974-fergie-interview?imgN=0]

* '''[[w:Gwen Stefani|Gwen Stefani]]''':
** &quot;She's been nothing but nice to me. She's invited me to her house for dinner and clearly she's a huge inspiration to me musically.&quot; [http://www.exposay.com/gwen-stefani-says-madonna-invited-her-over-for-dinner/v/6447/]
** &quot;Some people say that I copy her, But show me one girl my age who was not influenced by her.&quot; [http://www.contactmusic.com/new/xmlfeed.nsf/mndwebpages/stefani%20i%20didnt%20copy%20madonna]
** &quot;My grandpa first moved to Detroit from Rome. And my dad's mom's younger sister's husband's mother is a Ciccone [like Madonna].&quot; (Gwen Stefani claiming to be related to Madonna.) [http://www.anecdotage.com/index.php?aid=15727]
** &quot;A lot of my influence came from her early work, like directly, like a Xerox.&quot; [http://fametastic.co.uk/archive/20070111/4100/gwen-stefani-madonna-was-my-influence-but-not-impressed/]

* '''[[w:Donna De Lory|Donna De Lory]]''': [http://www.deanpiper.com/index.php/interviews/donna-de-lory-exclusive-interview]
** &quot;Pat knew our voices were going to be really good together so he asked us to do the bridge together and we started. She turned her back on me and at one point turned around and was like: “Why aren’t you singing?” and I told her I was and Pat then told her that I was singing and that our voices were in harmony. She then said: “Will you sing on all my records then….” And I was just standing there wondering if I had the job. I got it!&quot; (About auditioning for Madonna).
** &quot;I’ve learned so much from working with her – the power aspect about how to use what you have is an amazing thing. I learn more stuff about myself as I go along.&quot;
** &quot;When I first started working with her I just wanted to be like her – I think I misinterpreted a lot of things. The fame. I just tried to be like her and didn’t do things my own way. It was funny looking back on it.&quot;
** &quot;Madonna gave me some great advice about my own career and really helped me to go for what I wanted to do – not what a record company told me. She always said I could do it.&quot;
** &quot;Madonna wants to make people be a better person now. In the old days it was about her and nothing else – just like I was. We were all self centered. You have to be like that and take those steps to be a better person later down the line. To me you have to grow as you work your way through your life – that’s why we are here. It’s amazing that she can come from that sort of place where she started to being a humanitarian like she is now. Coming from just wanting to be famous and be adored by everything to wanting to love everybody. She’s incredible. It’s a complete turnaround. She wanted to be served by everyone and now she’s serving everyone.&quot;

* '''[[w:Mika|Mika]]''': &quot;Believe me, if I got asked to work with her, I certainly wouldn’t turn it down. Of all the women I’m fascinated by, she’s certainly up there.&quot; [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=19552]

* '''[[w:Stuart Price|Stuart Price]]''':
** &quot;Madonna is one of the kindest and most reasonable people you could hope to meet.&quot; [http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/tm_objectid=16660933&amp;method=full&amp;siteid=94762&amp;headline=madonna-exclusive--it-s-a-special-relationship-name_page.html]
** &quot;She's the perfect guest - but she did spill coffee on my white carpet by knocking a mug off a keyboard. I was amazed at just how well, using only a kitchen towel, she could draw the coffee out of the white carpet. The technique she had was to never rub, just to gently pad the carpet with the kitchen towel.&quot; [http://www.popjustice.com/index.php?option=com_content&amp;task=view&amp;id=188&amp;Itemid=9]
* &quot;You don't produce Madonna, you collaborate with her. She's a really good producer herself and obviously a great writer too. I've never worked with anyone before who is as genuine and as hands on as an artist as Madonna is. She's has her vision and knows how to get it. What's interesting with this one is that she's picked a DJ to make dance tunes for her to make songs, which is exactly what she's been doing since 1983 - hanging out with DJ's and making records.&quot; [http://www.popjustice.com/index.php?option=com_content&amp;task=view&amp;id=188&amp;Itemid=9]

* '''[[w:Ciara|Ciara]]''': &quot;She's a tough lady! She's a megastar, and that [media scrutiny] goes with the territory, But she's definitely put her foot down as a woman over the years and she's proven to be one of the best to me.&quot; [http://www.okmagazine.com/posts/view/9884/]

* '''[[w:Ashanti|Ashanti]]''': &quot;Yeah, Madonna is ''ill''. All the clamps and chains people had on what women can and cannot do — she just broke them. And I really wasn’t up on Madonna until my cousin — who’s six years older than me and my favorite relative on the planet; we’re more like sisters — when I was eight or nine I said, ‘Why you got these posters of that white lady all over your room?’ She's like, ‘This is Madonna!’&quot; [http://popdirt.com/ashanti-gives-props-to-that-white-lady-madonna/8600/]

* '''[[w:Pharrell|Pharrell]]''': &quot;She's a little baby tiger cub on the inside but outside she's as tough as anything. Once you are fighting with her you can't let your guard down, she'd beat your ass to a pulp. She could definetely beat me up. But you know, making Madonna cry has just cemented our relationship. We're tight now. Seriously tight. She's probably the best person I've ever collaborated with.&quot; (Manchester Free Magazine) [http://www.madonnamad.com/blog/?p=31]

* '''[[w:Danja|Danja]]''': &quot;She was cool. She had a dark sense of humor that I can’t explain. She might just say something crazy that you might feel is out of line. But it’s not. It’s just her sense of humor. She was in the studio chilling with us, being open and the whole nine.&quot; [http://blog.rhapsody.com/2008/02/exclusive-danja.html].

* '''[[w:Eric West|Eric West]]''': &quot;A lot of people make her out to be arrogant, and not fan friendly, but I can say otherwise, for such a superstar, she makes you feel as if you’re talking to an old friend.&quot; [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=5011]

* '''[[w:Adam Lambert|Adam Lambert]]''':
** &quot;I met Madonna and that was pretty wild. Most everybody I've met is pretty cool and on the level, but Madonna is just legendary. I was definitely the most starstruck with her. I've been a fan of hers since I was a kid. So that's definitely part of the intimidation factor. [http://tvwatch.people.com/2009/06/16/adam-lambert-star-struck-by-meeting-madonna/]
** I really want to work with Madonna. It doesn't seem like a likely pairing, maybe, but I just think that she is so creative and has such vision and her career has been so long because she has been able to come up with something new and keep people guessing and push people's buttons. I like that she's [[relevant]], she's always the next thing, she's always introducing us to the next wave of pop. I just think it would be an honor to work with her.&quot; [http://www.starpulse.com/news/index.php/2009/06/16/adam_lambert_talks_gay_celebrity_crushes]
** &quot;[Madonna] was incredible. I was a bit intimidated, but she was very, very warm. She gave me some advice on how to deal with the fame and the craziness. She said, 'You know, just keep your eye on the prize. Remember what it is that you want to accomplish. And try to ignore all the other crap'.&quot; [http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/index.jsp?author=lindsay+miller]
** &quot;...Some people freak out. And I'm like, why are you freaking out? I don't get that mentality. I've never felt like that about a celebrity before — except maybe Madonna. When I met Madonna my heart was racing. That's my one experience being star-struck. And I told her, 'I'm freaking out.' And she said, 'Why?' And I said, 'Because you're fucking Madonna.'&quot; [http://justjared.buzznet.com/2009/11/16/adam-lambert-wanda-sykes-out-100-cover-stars]

* '''[[w:Tracy Chapman|Tracy Chapman]]''': &quot;I was trying to make a case for Madonna the other day, saying that she's to be admired for her longevity in a genre that has mostly been for younger acts. Men are able to sustain a career into their 50s and 60s and still present themselves as sex symbols. With women on the other hand, people say, 'Why doesn't she retire?' It's just so unfair. So I have to give props to Madonna.&quot; [http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2008/oct/31/tracy-chapman-women-pop-usa]

* '''[[w:Randy Jackson|Randy Jackson]]''': &quot;Madonna knows the business and her art better than anyone.&quot; [http://www.parade.com/articles/editions/2008/edition_01-06-2008/In_Step_With...Randy_Jackson]

* '''[[Kim Wilde]]''': &quot;I had the top of the charts two years before Madonna came on the scene and stole my thunder. I remember seeing her and thinking, 'Here's trouble'! I'd be lying if I said it didn't get to me, but I never disliked her. And I look at her now and think she's amazing. When I started doing yoga, I was inspired to look after my body. Now I love going for long walks, eating healthily and working out with a trainer.&quot; [http://www.contactmusic.com/news.nsf/article/wilde%20madonna%20stole%20my%20crown_1067173]

* '''[[w:Belinda Carlisle|Belinda Carlisle]]''':
** &quot;I see her at gym quite often. We talk about which aerobics teachers are best. I think I have hyper-gymnasium but she works out much more than I do.&quot; [http://members.tripod.com/planeta_madonna/pagina_nueva_3.htm]
** &quot;I struggled with jealousy when Madonna released her great song 'Papa Don't Preach.' From her True Blue album, it was an instant hit that took radio by storm and soared to number one. But my problem was with Madonna herself, not the music. I looked at her body and thought, 'Oh my God, she looks phenomenal and it's because she's skinnier than me. I have to get that skinny.&quot; [http://boyculture.typepad.com/boy_culture/2010/05/belinda.html|''Lips Unsealed'']

* '''[[w:Robyn|Robyn]]''':
** &quot;Having been a fan of Madonna since I was a little girl, I'm very excited about sharing a stage with her and playing to her audiences…I'm thrilled.&quot; [http://zxlcreative.blogs.com/electroqueer/2008/06/robyn-to-suppor.html]
** &quot;I got a chance to go on tour with Madonna in Europe and like any one who's been a fan of her since the age of ten I was super exited. When I met her at the end of the tour she was really cool and natural. I got a chance to thank her for putting me on and she even told me she was a fan! It was a very special moment I will never forget. She's an icon and a pioneer, but only Madonna can be Madonna. It would be sad to try to copy her model. Times are different nowadays as well. Even if I tried, it would be hard to build what she has achieved in the climate of the music industry today. I learned that next to the president of the United States of America, Madonna must be the most famous person on earth whose every little move is watched by millions and a complete security state is surrounding her! Watching her on stage during the tour I could tell that she was really enjoying herself. She is probably doing exactly what she wants to do and that´s why she is so inspiring. I want to be like that as well, I want to be myself.&quot; (About the experience of being on tour with Madonna on her ''Sticky and sweet'' tour) [http://perezhilton.com/2008-10-11-a-few-words-from-robynon-madonna#respond]

* '''[[Simon Cowell]]''':
** &quot;If you look into Madonna's eyes - or Whitney Houston's when she was at her peak - you see something there that other people haven't got. It's a steel, a sense of 'I am going to do it, whatever happens'. It's not necessarily a good character trait to have, but if you are going to make it in this business, you need it.&quot; [http://www.madonnatribe.com/news/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=1370]

* '''[[w:Katy Perry|Katy Perry]]''':
** &quot;Of course I'd have Madonna's. She is the ultimate in female pop music, and she's like the Energizer bunny. Plus, she's got years on me and she looks my age still. She must have sacrificed something or sold her soul in exchange for continuing to be a world dominator in all things pop culture.&quot; (When asked if she could have any musician's career other than her own, whose would it be.) [http://www.popeater.com/2008/06/26/about-to-pop-katy-perry/]
** &quot;It was insane. I freaked out. My eyes swelled up with fluid, with tears, but I didn't cry. I was just very excited.&quot; (About when she heard that Madonna is a fan of her track 'Ur So Gay') [http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/music/a119416/katy-perry-wants-advice-from-madonna.html?imdb]
** &quot;Madonna invited me to one of her shows - I was summoned by the queen herself. I went backstage and I am never usually nervous but I lost it. I got so weak in the knees and I thought I was going to throw up. But I needn't have worried. She was cool. She was so petite. She comes up to my chest and I thought she was supposed to be a giant.&quot; [http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/showbiz/a135432/perry-i-nearly-threw-up-on-madonna.html?imdb]

* '''[[w:Randy Newman|Randy Newman]]''': &quot;I once had dinner with Madonna and I wasn't nervous but within about a minute I found myself talking about underwear.&quot; [http://www.romanization.com/personal/randy/LCRNinterview.html].

* '''[[w:Marina Diamandis|Marina Diamandis]]''':
** &quot;Madonna has always been a great icon for me. I felt I could relate to her. She took about five years to get to the point I'm at. I admire her determination and she challenges people as well, which can change our culture.&quot; [http://www.eveningnews24.co.uk/content/eveningnews24/norwich-whats-on-guide/music/story.aspx?brand=ENOnline&amp;category=GoingOutMusic&amp;tBrand=ENOnline&amp;tCategory=xWhatsOn&amp;itemid=NOED12%20Feb%202010%2011%3A19%3A41%3A803]
** &quot;I read every biography on Madonna. It wasn’t just about getting tips. I felt connected with Madonna from a very young age. I think I share a lot of qualities from her personality. I really respect her.&quot; [http://www.starpulse.com/news/Stephanie_Nolasco/2011/04/14/marina_and_the_diamonds_talks_burger_q]

* '''[[w:Jason Derulo|Jason Derulo]]''':
** &quot;Madonna is the sexiest woman in the world – it’s her confidence and as she gets older she seems to get sexier.&quot; [http://www.mirror.co.uk/celebs/celebs-on-sunday/2010/02/14/who-are-the-sexiest-women-on-the-planet-115875-22033195/]
** &quot;I’d have to say it’s Madonna. She’s done a very good job of reinventing herself time and again. She’s been able to stand the test of time with every record, and she’s a new person every decade. That’s what I aspire to.&quot; (When asked who's the person he looks up to in terms of plotting out your career). [http://derulodaily.com/?p=617]

* '''[[Craig David]]''': &quot;Madonna is still sexy and cool. She’s had such an amazing career and has always been able to re-invent herself time and time again, and it’d be fascinating to chat to her about that over a couple of drinks.&quot; [http://www.mirror.co.uk/celebs/celebs-on-sunday/2010/02/14/who-are-the-sexiest-women-on-the-planet-115875-22033195]

* '''[[Bette Midler]]''': &quot;She has pulled herself up by her own bra-straps... and has been known to let them down occasionally&quot;. [http://skin.bebo.com/Profile.jsp?MemberId=8456631253]

* '''[[Carole King]]''': &quot;I think Madonna has a great deal of intelligence and capability. I have a lot of respect for her. She's taken her career and maximized it with intelligence and creativity.&quot; [http://www.quotesstar.com/quotes/i/i-like-her-boss-and-155186.html].

* '''[[w:Matthew Bellamy|Matthew Bellamy]]''': &quot;Ambition - whenever I hear the word, in my head, all I can think of is Madonna, for some reason. Very ambitious person and a great artist, certainly explores many avenues to get her name out there. I think she’s a very special lady.&quot; [http://allaboutmadonna.com/2009/09/matthew-bellamy-muse-talks-about-madonna.php]

* '''[[w:David Foster|David Foster]]''':
** &quot;Madonna was great to work with because — I never really understood her mystique although I always liked her music. We met in New York, had dinner to discuss the album. And there was something so intoxicating about her. We were just the two of us at dinner and I was looking at her going, ‘Wow, she totally sucks you into her world. It’s like there’s nobody else in the restaurant.’ She had a great work ethic. A lot of artists, they want to be co producers just because they can. She wanted to be a co producer, but she earned it. She really knows her way around a studio. She works hard.&quot; [http://allaboutmadonna.com/2005/05/david-foster-talks-about-madonna.php]
** &quot;Working with Madonna was an amazing experience for me. She is such a professional, always on time, her work ethic is unbelievable. I had a great time with her.&quot; [http://www.popeater.com/2009/10/07/david-foster-on-whitney-madonna-and-finding-the-next-big-thing/]

* '''[[w:Taylor Momsen|Taylor Momsen]]''': [http://www.wwd.com/markets-news/taylor-momsen-talks-madonna-fashion-and-music-3197115?module=today]
** &quot;She's amazing. All her songs are so great. They’re so well crafted and really perfect, pure, pop genius. I'm a big fan of &quot;Papa Don't Preach.&quot; I love that song. But really all of it is fantastic. She was the one who did it all first. She gave people like me an avenue to do what I'm doing. She was the one who started all the controversy to begin with.&quot;
** &quot;She was very down to earth. It was nice to see after all her success, she's still very grounded. It was cool to see her interaction with Lourdes. She's a cool mom. She shot a couple of the photographs herself at the end. She definitely has a vision and was very hands-on. It was really easy working with her. She's very comfortable to be around — very professional but a lot of fun.&quot;

* '''[[M.I.A.]]''':
** &quot;Once I discovered pirate radio, that’s what I grew up on. I was listening to Madonna and Paula Abdul and then I heard Public Enemy and Roxanne Shante. It was like, “Woah, what’s going on?” That really blew my mind. Then hearing Jamaican pirate radio—that was really exciting. Hearing Supercat and Mad Cobra seemed really amazing to me.&quot; [http://www.hyphenmagazine.com/magazine/issue-6-makeover/rebel-girl]
** &quot;Madonna was truly unique.&quot; [http://www.nytimes.com/2010/05/30/magazine/30mia-t.html?pagewanted=9&amp;_r=1]
** &quot;Madonna is the one. Madonna did amazing songs. She had an amazing sense of style, without a stylist. And she was flawed, and sometimes she admitted it. I’ll fight the fight for Madonna. [http://www.nytimes.com/2010/05/30/magazine/30mia-t.html?pagewanted=2&amp;_r=1]
** &quot;Everybody was giving me Madonna records and then everyone was like you should listen to this and try and dress like it and I just never looked like Madonna because I was brown. So I decided to dress like Chuck D instead.&quot; [http://misc.vassar.edu/archives/2008/04/exclusive_inter.html]
** &quot;...The first house we stayed in and I watched 'Top of the Pops' and it was like- woah! It was the first music show that I saw on TV. I saw Madonna, Whitney Houston. It was amazing.&quot; [http://www.desiclub.com/desimusic/desimusic_features/music_article.cfm?id=202]

* '''[[w:Adam Ant|Adam Ant]]''': [http://thequietus.com/articles/04165-adam-ant-interview-oasis-lady-gaga-madonna-punk]
** &quot;There'd be no Gaga without Madonna so let's put it in fucking perspective…&quot;
** &quot;...Madge was doing that when I was doing it, you know? I saw Madonna outside the Music Machine before she even made it. I was doing a gig with the band in like '79. There was this chick outside from New York going 'I'm going to be a star' and it was her! And she's got some fucking balls you know?&quot;
** &quot;She's done as much as Dietrich did for fucking Hollywood stars. She's gone in and said 'Alright. I've been raped. Someone fucking stuck his dick in my gob in a back alley. I got up from that and I went in there and I had a big fight. And I won.' She fucking won, good luck to the woman.&quot;

* '''[[Jessica Simpson]]''': &quot;I think people are ready to hear something that Madonna used to do. We all need to hear that every now and again. It wasn't a sample or something I meant to do, but she did influence me and still does today. I hope to have the longevity of her career.&quot;[http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1537645/20060801/simpson_jessica.jhtml].

* '''Tracy Young''': [http://blogs.miaminewtimes.com/crossfade/2010/12/dj_tracy_young_talks_real_hous.php]
** &quot;It’s hard to pick a favorite. [But] I would have to say Madonna. She is someone I really admire, look up to musically and career-wise. Every choice Madonna has made is mind-blowing to me&quot;. [when asked who's her favorite artist to work with]
** &quot;It was symbolic in some ways. I am in a field where you hear “No” a lot, especially because of my gender. So when Madonna and I started working together, it was like, “Yeah, I did it.” And her wedding was an honor to perform at because I felt like she trusted me [with] one of the biggest days of her life. I was completely honored and, to be honest, really nervous&quot;. [about DJing at Madonna's wedding]

* '''[[w:Christian Thielemann|Christian Thielemann]]''': &quot;I find this woman fascinating. Not just musically... I’d like to get to know Madonna a whole lot better.&quot; [https://archive.is/20130628111312/www.artsjournal.com/slippeddisc/2011/01/heres_the_date_from_hell.html].

* '''[[w:John Benitez|John Benitez]]''': &quot;My first impression on meeting Madonna? I thought she had a lot of style. And she crossed over a lot of boundaries 'cos everyone in the rock clubs played her, the black clubs, the gay, the straight... and very few records have that appeal.&quot; [http://books.google.co.il/books?id=Cjea8TsM0hkC&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;source=gbs_ge_summary_r&amp;cad=0#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false].

* '''[[Kurt Cobain]]''': &quot;In a way I respect Madonna for the things she introduced because she introduced some subversive things and it has nothing to do with sex as far as I'm concern, I'm talking about the introduction to the vogue dance which originated in the gay clubs in 80', and she was always supportive of stuff like that which I think is really cool.&quot; [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dDXp8KiAeDk]

* '''[[Shirley Manson]]''': &quot;I turned round and it's Madonna, and I'm thinking, 'Fucking hell, it's Madonna!' But I say 'hi' and she grabs my hand and she gives me the famous blink and says, 'I think you're amazing' in that tiny voice she has. And I'm thinking, 'OK, try and be cool, this is possibly the biggest pop icon of our life, be cool'. I tried to say something even remotely understandable and instead just garbled my words. I had high heels on and I hardly ever wear high heels, and I lurched towards her, and I could see the alarm on her face, thinking 'who the hell is this?' And I lurched off flustered without even saying goodbye. I always blow my big moments&quot; [http://www.garbage2.com/shirl_madonna.htm].

* '''[[Kelly Osbourne]]''': &quot;I've always been a huge, huge, huge fan of Madonna, but it completely changed my whole opinion of her -- made me like her even more once I met Lola because she's done a fantastic job with her. Madonna is one of my idols and my first single I ever released was a cover of 'Papa Don't Preach.' To have it come full circle -- now I'm actually doing something with her and her daughter -- it's just kind of like... ahhh!&quot;&quot; [http://omg.yahoo.com/news/kelly-osbourne-sings-madonnas-praises-shes-done-a-fantastic-job-raising-lourdes/57083]

* '''[[Lady Gaga]]''':
** &quot;She's the Queen, super theatrical and dramatic on stage, just like Pop Opera. And Madonna...I mean who can really mess with Madonna? Nobody! No, her stage, her videos are always amazing, and her visuals. It's about more than just the music. It's about the passion, it's about the whole package.&quot; [http://madge-tribe.blogspot.com/2008/08/lady-gaga-loves-madonna.html]
** &quot;There is really no one that is a more adoring and loving Madonna fan than me. I am the hugest fan personally and professionally.&quot; [http://omg.yahoo.com/news/lady-gaga-addresses-born-this-way-comparisons-to-madonnas-express-yourself-reveals-madonna-has-approved-of-new-song/56412]
** &quot;Madonna is the queen. I have so much and adoration for her. Being compared to her is unbelievably flattering, but in truth there is no one that can compare with Madonna. She is the queen!&quot;[http://ibnlive.in.com/news/i-cant-wait-to-come-to-india-lady-gaga/143405-45-75.html].

* '''[[w:Paul Oakenfold|Paul Oakenfold]]''': &quot;Madonna was without doubt one of the best artists I have ever worked with. She had so many fantastic ideas and really took her music seriously. You can tell that with Madonna, everything is about the music. She's a global name but still works tirelessly in the studio, puts on her best possible live gigs and puts 100 per cent into everything she does. &quot;She's really grounded too and easy to work with.&quot; [http://entertainment.stv.tv/music/266265-madonna-works-tirelessly-in-the-studio/]

* '''[[w:Brooke Candy|Brooke Candy]]''': &quot;She's so smart, I want to follow in her footsteps.&quot; [http://www.mtv.co.uk/brooke-candy/news/brooke-candy-interview]

* '''[[w:Alison Goldfrapp|Alison Goldfrapp]]''': 
** &quot;I'm always quite starstruck. The first time I met Madonna, I couldn't actually get off the chair to shake her hand. It must have appeared really rude but it was because I was totally gobsmacked that she'd just walked in and made a beeline for me. I don't think I actually managed to get any words out; I just sort of froze and grinned inanely.&quot;
** &quot;I don’t like Madonna’s music, but she’s an amazing pop star,’ she says. ‘She’s brilliant at borrowing other people’s ideas.&quot;

===Film and Television Industry===
* '''[[Marlene Dietrich]]''': &quot;I played vulgar, she ''is'' vulgar.&quot; (Marlene refused to meet Madonna, who wanted to remake ''The Blue Angel'' in the 80s.) &lt;ref&gt; Steven Bach, ''Marlene Dietrich: Life and Legend'' &lt;/ref&gt;
* '''[[w:Ashton Kutcher|Ashton Kutcher]]''': &quot;Madonna has a project in Malawi where she has genuinely affected the lives of about 250,000 children who are orphaned. I think that's a pretty generous person, not someone who should be criticized. That sort of generosity is pretty admirable.&quot; [https://archive.is/20130629220955/www.monstersandcritics.com/people/news/article_1401452.php/Ashton_Kutchers_generous_Madonna]

* '''[[w:James Franco|James Franco]]''': &quot;After our kiss, Sean texted Madonna and said, 'I just popped my cherry kissing a guy. I thought of you. I don't know why.' &quot; [http://www.out.com/detail.asp?page=3&amp;id=24151 ''Out'' magazine].

* '''[[w:Tony Ward|Tony Ward]]''': [http://rickcastro.com/tonyward.html]
** &quot;THAT LADY. I was never a fan. I saw her in that silly Lucky Star video in the early days of MTV, and I knew I would be reunited with my mother/ lover/ teacher/ friend/ bitch/ cheater/ liar/ goddess/ student/ poetess/ angel/ pain/ tears/ broken-heart/ inspiration/ intrigue/ and human awe. We fell hard immediately too much, too soon for the both of us. In the end, when you love something, let it go.&quot;
** &quot;Madonna as a talent? Superior to all; she is a classic. I wish she would sing the standards. That is what her voice is made for. When she would sing around the house, I would close my eyes and melt. I was so privileged to be there.&quot;
** &quot;She never knew how I really felt with her, and to put all the stories straight, those unauthorized biographies are all full of lies. You dummies, don't buy it. I was not her toy-boy, or a gift to her from her brother. We just happened to be in the right place at the right time. I love you always, lady.&quot;

* '''[[Susan Sarandon]]''': &quot;The history of women in popular music can, pretty much, be divided into before and after Madonna.&quot; [http://womenshistory.about.com/od/quotes/a/madonna_5.htm].

* '''[[George Clooney]]''': &quot;She's probably everybody's high watermark about learning how to reinvent yourself every few years and continue to stay alive. She without a question the absolute best at that. And she's nice, I like her; she's a friend. She's seems to handle things really well; people can be really tough on you on &amp; off at times and she seems very good at handling it.&quot; [http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x6gk0r_gwyneth-paltrow-and-george-clooney_news]

* '''[[w:Warren Baetty|Warren Baetty]]''': &quot;Madonna is simultaneously touching and more fun than a barrel of monkeys. She's funny and she's gifted in so many areas and has the kind of energy as a performer that can't help but make you engaged.&quot; [http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_38T64sfKt3Y/Smo6ku3b8iI/AAAAAAAAGI4/vBPrisYisSY/s1600-h/us_loose_talk_Scan10102.jpg]

* '''[[Ethan Hawke]]''': &quot;She transcended being a pop star. She drew international attention and shone the spotlight on a level of racism and the need for greater education.&quot; [http://web.archive.org/web/20091113172149/news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20091031/ap_on_en_ot/eu_romania_ethan_hawke_2]

* '''[[w:Dita Von Teese|Dita Von Teese]]''': &quot;Madonna is the only modern celebrity who is truly a style icon. Who else has the audacity to dress like her these days? She really influenced how I wanted to look when I was growing up, and made me realize that I didn’t have to look like a blond beach bunny or a Playboy model.&quot; [http://www.contactmusic.com/news.nsf/article/von%20teese%20madonna%20inspired%20me%20to%20be%20individual_1037902]

* '''[[w:Esther Rantzen|Esther Rantzen]]''': &quot;I get surprised by the venom that I hear expressed about Kabbalah. I think part of it is Madonna-envy.&quot; [http://www.mirror.co.uk/celebs/3am/wickedwhispers/2008/07/26/esther-rantzen-backs-pop-queen-madonna-over-kabbalah-115875-20671432/]

* '''[[Tom Hardy]]''': &quot;When we had a break Guy asked if I'd like to meet the wife as she was in the car park and he knew I was a fan. So off we trotted. To be honest, I had the shock of my life. There she was in the back of her Range Rover administering a shot of B12 into the arse of Gerald Butler. Believe me. I was completely stunned to be quite honest, stunned - I mean to throw open the door and see that... I knew it would be magnificent to meet her because she's cult - I mean like Elvis - but the last thing I expected to see was her giving Gerard a shot in his bare arse because he wasn't very well. She does it for her dancers, she's trained doing it, so she decided to do it for the actors as well. She was so cool. She just said to Gerard, 'There you go - bosh! That does it.' And while she was doing that she was talking to me about a load of books I should be reading. I was really thrown.&quot; [http://www.mirror.co.uk/showbiz/3am/2007/0...89520-19706938/] [http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/sfgate/detail?blogid=7&amp;entry_id=19888]

* '''[[w:Gerard Butler|Gerard Butler]]''': &quot;She was awesome. She was very, very cool. She played a bit of nurse to me, because I got sick in the middle of the film. She turned up with all these medications. In fact, the first day I met her, she was like, 'So you're the sick one. Take this, take this, take this.' The infection was in my throat and chest and I was really run down. Madonna thought the whole thing out and helped me get better.&quot; [http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/showbiz/a97990/madonna-nursed-gerard-butler-on-film-set.html].

* '''[[w:Benjamin Bratt|Benjamin Bratt]]''': &quot;Madonna is one of the only people in the world that can make a straight woman become gay, or a gay man become straight.&quot; [http://www.askmen.com/women/singer/5_madonna.html].

* '''[[David Tennant]]''': &quot;She's quite extraordinary. When I was 14, the first single I ever bought was &quot;Like a Virgin&quot;. She was kind of my sexual awakening. I had some full-on posters of her on my wall. I don't know what my parents thought. She still looks damn fit.&quot; [http://www.contactmusic.com/news.nsf/article/tennant%20madonna%20responsible%20for%20my%20sexual%20awakening_1010988]

* '''[[Miley Cyrus]]''': &quot;Madonna always reinvents herself, and that's what I want to do. Whatever comes my way that sounds good, that's what I want to do. Whether it's designing clothes or photography or whatever.&quot; [http://www.contactmusic.com/news.nsf/article/cyrus%20i%20want%20to%20be%20the%20next%20madonna_1073345]

* '''[[w:Dakota Fanning|Dakota Fanning]]''': &quot;I got to meet her one time and she’s so beautiful in person. I’ve never seen her in concert but I would love to, on her tour. But she’s amazing and I hope that she goes for many, many more years.&quot; [http://itn.co.uk/news/b8851c0f0e02b4adc6f0321ff907fa30.html].

* '''[[Hilary Duff]]''': &quot;Oh, [I'm] definitely [a fan]. I grew up listening to Madonna. It feels surreal getting to do a cover of &quot;Material Girl&quot;. It's such a great dance song.&quot; [http://popdirt.com/hilary-duff-on-madonna/40115/]

* '''[[w:Glenn Close|Glenn Close]]''':
** &quot;I admire Madonna. she has so much energy and it's very inspiring to watch someone like that. I have her Confessions album playing a lot in my dressing room, you know, singing and rolling my arms to Hung Up gets me in the mood to go shout at people as Patty Hewes.&quot; [http://madge-tribe.blogspot.com/2009/03/glen-close-on-madonna.html]
** &quot;The album that I have probably played to death though is Madonna ''Confessions on a Dance Floor'', its just such a joyful album for me all the way through you know…genius, I love it and I think she is a... remarkable person, a strong woman and that's empowering.&quot; [http://madge-tribe.blogspot.com/2009/04/glenn-close-on-madge.html].

* '''[[w:Susan Seidelman|Susan Seidelman]]''': &quot;She is an incredibly disciplined person. During the shoot [of ''Desperately Seeking Susan''] we'd often get home at 11 or 12 at night and have to be back on the set by 6 or 7 the next morning. Half the time the driver would pick Madonna up at her health club. She'd get up at 4:30 in the morning to work out first.&quot; [http://www.people.com/people/archive/article/0,,20090144,00.html].

* '''Andy Bird''':
** &quot;She wasn't at all Madonna-ish, in a predatory way. She was warm and affectionate and womanly. She's really very normal: a lovely, traditional, sweet person&quot;
** &quot;We were holding hands, she was taking my arm, pretty much from the outset. It all seemed very natural. I'm a romantic anyway, and she's got a very big heart.&quot; [http://www.madonnalicious.com/features/andybird1.html]
** &quot;I used to joke with my friends, 'What do you buy the woman who has everything?' but she was actually really easy to buy presents for. She was always really gracious when she received gifts.&quot;
** &quot;She could wear the tattiest pair of jeans and still look good in them. Often she'd walk round the house in just a Hennes vest and look fantastic. She once said to me if she didn't do what she did, she would love to have been in fashion journalism. She is very creative.&quot; [http://madonnalicious.com/features/andybird2.html]
** &quot;She's certainly not one for regrets, She's very forward-looking and positive, as you can see from what she's achieved in her life.&quot; [http://madonnalicious.com/features/andybird3.html].

* '''[[w:Trudie Styler|Trudie Styler]]''': &quot;Oh, God! Yes, I had a sense that they'd really like each other and really complement each other and I think they do - they're fantastic parents, and they sparkle when they're together. But I'm not a kiss and tell!&quot; [http://www.madonnatribe.com/news/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=1535]

* '''[[w:Ricki Lake|Ricki Lake]]''': &quot;I love that Madonna adopted this baby and has brought so much attention to Malawi. She's my hero.&quot; [http://www.pr-inside.com/lake-builds-malawian-school-r448362.html].

* '''[[w:Emanuela Rossi|Emanuela Rossi]]''': &quot;I'm a big fan of Madonna, I love her music a lot. I like her persona, her ways to reinvent herself, not being the same all the time. I think it's vital and creative for an artist to look for new ways, new looks, different ways to sing but at the same time keeping those qualities that make you unique. Madonna is also a controversial artist that tends to amaze people in every possible way and the same time I think she's a very authentic person. She looks very visceral to me, also in her quests. She has become quite sophisticated over the years but she stays true to herself and still capable to push people's buttons. I think that's the key of her success.&quot; [http://www.madonnatribe.com/news/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=3482]

* '''[[Rosie O'Donnell]]''':
** &quot;She is no symbol. She is human. More brilliant than most. The real deal.&quot; [http://www.rosie.com/askro/default.aspx Rosie's blog]
** &quot;Amazing. Inspiring. Magnificent. Fan freaking tastic. That woman; direct connect. A ray of light, again and again.&quot; [http://www.rosie.com/askro/default.aspx Rosie's blog]
** &quot;When you don't have a mother, you do everything in your power to be a good mother; it's like the goal of your life. And I think she succeeding, definitely do.&quot; [VH1 Behind The Music]

* '''[[Will Smith]]''': &quot;Madonna is in really good shape. I actually get a sexy chill every time I think about Madonna.&quot; [http://www.allheadlinenews.com/articles/7011503569]

* '''[[Al Pacino]]''': &quot;She was doing a dance and she was naked under her coat. Over the course of the dance, she became inspired and opened her coat, and there she was. She has an extraordinarily beautiful body, like cut out of ivory. One day, when I'm old and I'm wheeled out on my porch wrapped in a blanket, if I have a beatific smile on my face, I'll probably be thinking of that.&quot; [http://www.celebritymound.com/?p=1250] [http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/sfgate/detail?blogid=7&amp;entry_id=8532]

* '''[[Rupert Everett]]''': [http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-403659/Rupert-Everett-Madonna--Material-Girl.html] [http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/story?id=2396048&amp;page=1]
** &quot;At 18 I sniffed poppers with Hardy Amies, danced at a nightclub with Rudolf Nureyev and dined in Paris with Andy Warhol and Bianca Jagger. I knew what it was to be drunk on fame by association. Yet everything was a pale imitation of the impact Madonna made on me. We met by chance.&quot;
** &quot;When I first met Madonna she really was one of the only women that whether you were gay or straight or an animal she demanded a sexual response some how, something inside her and everybody was turned on by her, everybody!&quot;
** &quot;She was raucous but poised, elegant but common. She had the cupid-bow lips of a silent screen star, and it was obvious that she was playing with Sean underneath the table throughout the meal.&quot;
** &quot;She was tiny and luscious with long auburn hair, slightly curled. She sat down. Sean’s forget-me-not eyes watered with adoration. Hers were the palest blue, strangely wide-set, any further and she would look insane, or inbred. When they looked in your direction, you froze.&quot;
** &quot;In no way was she conventionally beautiful. She was a bit like a Picasso. When she fixed you with her regard, there was a tenderness and warmth that made your skin bump, but when she looked away, it was like sunbathing on a cold day and suddenly a cloud comes.&quot;
** &quot;She was mesmerizing. She oozed sex and demanded a sexual response from everyone. It didn’t matter if you were gay. You were swept up all the same. In those early years there was no male who would not want to bed her.&quot;
** &quot;...I lost myself in Madonna’s attention and by the end I had fallen in love.&quot;

* '''[[w:Gwyneth Paltrow|Gwyneth Paltrow]]''':
** &quot;She's like an older sister. Everything I have gone through, she went through ten times worse and ten times longer. She gives me good advice about how to say no and take care of myself.&quot; [http://www.elizabeth.actressarchives.com/news.php?id=3072]
** &quot;She’s always been committed to helping. In a big picture way, she’s the most generous person in the world and she’s always thinking about how she can help. Malawi’s become very close to her heart, obviously as her son is from Malawi, and she’s spent a lot of time and dedication doing what she can.&quot; [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=19702]
** &quot;Madonna Ciccone rules the world, is a loyal friend and a terrific mother.&quot; [http://goop.com/newsletter/18]
** &quot;She's a great woman. She's got a lot of wisdom. We just have fun together. She works on herself harder than anybody else I've met. We do share that and we're both public women. We are both perfectionists.&quot; [http://www.contactmusic.com/news.nsf/article/paltrow%20values%20madonnas%20friendship_1068956]

* '''[[Helen Mirren]]''': &quot;The thing that was imposed on me from the outside was crude and vulgar and distressful to me, and disturbing - that big tits, blonde hair, Diana Dors, blowsy kind of thing. (But) I think Madonna got it right. Madonna claimed it for herself, and I've always admired her for that. I loved that 'Sex' book she did. I thought it was fantastic, because it was a big two fingers up, 'This is my sexuality, it's not what you put on me, it's mine'.&quot; [http://fametastic.co.uk/archive/20070124/4306/helen-mirren-i-love-madonnas-brand-of-sexuality/]

* '''[[w:Ricky Gervais|Ricky Gervais]]''': &quot;The Mercer. It's just nice. Really cool. I turned up there last time, and there were about 20 paparazzi going, 'Ricky,' 'Ricky,' 'Ricky.' And I said, 'What are you doin' here?' 'We're here to see you.' I said, 'What [are] you really here for?' And they went, 'Madonna.' They were nice, but I knew the truth. Why would they be there for me?&quot; [https://archive.is/20130630013515/www.nypost.com/seven/01302007/entertainment/travel/celebs_and_the_city_travel_.htm].

* '''[[w:Anthony LaPaglia|Anthony LaPaglia]]''': &quot;I jokingly refer to Madonna being my template in making my decisions, because she’s the best at reinventing herself. Every two years she reinvents herself. [That's why] she still is where she is after 20 years. I think that that’s a smart thing.&quot; [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=17566]

* '''[[w:Charlotte Gainsbourg|Charlotte Gainsbourg]]''': &quot;Madonna was incredibly quick and professional. I was unable to say anything else than 'Hello','I’ll listen to it' and 'Good-bye' [when she asked to use a few lines from &quot;The Cement Garden&quot; for her song, &quot;What it Feels Like for a Girl&quot;]. That was incredibly stupid of me. Madonna was the idol of my youth and I grew up listening to her music.&quot; [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=18126]

* '''[[w:Richard E. Grant|Richard E. Grant]]''':
** &quot;She was very exact and particular about what she wanted as a director and she was very impressive.&quot;[http://www.madonnatribe.com/news/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=672]
** &quot;She is somebody who is so determined to stretch in every direction and I really admire that. Believe me, the number of directors that I have worked with who don't have half her ability makes me believe she has a real talent.&quot;[http://www.telegraph.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml?xml=/opinion/2007/06/10/dp1001.xml].

* '''[[w:Alan Parker|Alan Parker]]''': &quot;She worked out her moves in the mirror the night before we’d shoot. She would work so hard. She was not someone who went out clubbing every night. She was the one who said, ‘I want to be there at 5.30 in the morning so I have enough time to get the hair and make-up right.’ So before the crew had even arrived, she would be there. By the time she arrived at the set she was smiling and she did her job. And she did her job brilliantly.&quot; [http://entertainment.timesonline.co.uk/tol/arts_and_entertainment/film/article1671737.ece].

* '''[[w:Jon Lovitz|Jon Lovitz]]''': [http://www.avclub.com/articles/jon-lovitz,49464/]
** &quot;She would show up and she’d have already run eight miles. And then they’d do the practice and she’d stay after another hour and hit. Her work ethic is fantastic.&quot;
** &quot;I like her a lot. I saw her about five years ago, and I told her, “I feel like my career started with you, and I have a fond place for you in my heart.” And mine did start with her. The first thing I ever did was with her. And she goes, “I know, I feel the same way about you.&quot;

*'''[[w:Susan seidelman|Susan seidelman]]''': &quot;She's the kind of person that really does get up at five in the morning to go swimming. She wasn't at all prima donna-ish. She wasn't one of those people that want to be alone and sit in their trailer the whole time. I think she has much more of a sense of humor that people give her credit for. Too many people take that femme fetale stuff at face value.&quot; [http://books.google.co.il/books?id=Cjea8TsM0hkC&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;source=gbs_ge_summary_r&amp;cad=0#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false].

* '''[[Sarah Jessica Parker]]''':
** &quot;Madonna's probably the most disciplined person around and so I can only pale in comparison. It's just too impressive.&quot; [http://people.monstersandcritics.com/news/article_1341761.php/Food_lover_Sarah_Jessica_Parker]
** &quot;Madonna, she is a strong woman, I met her before her show in New York in 2004, she was amazing, very friendly and super cool, that show was awesome, she is a true icon, had to hold myself back from really stalking her. I so wish we could have got her on the show [''Sex &amp; The city''], she would have been amazing, as for her acting ability, her presence on screen is just mesmerizing, check out her Vogue, Rain and Bad Girl video's, these are some of my favourite Madonna songs and the videos are amazing.&quot; (When asked if there's anybody she admires) [http://madge-tribe.blogspot.com/2008/12/sarah-jessica-parker-on-madonna.html].

* '''[[w:Ellen Pompeo|Ellen Pompeo]]''':
** &quot;For the first time I saw Madonna when she first came out and she was on television talking and singing songs about her mother and how her mother had passed and how sad she was. And it dawned on me 'oh that's what happened to me, my mother died'. And it makes you terribly sad and that's why I'm so unhappy and it's okay to talk about it and it's okay to grieve and I should be sad and I should be upset and I should be allowed to go through these things. So I did go through that process because of Madonna, because I saw her talking about it and singing about it, I was able to understand what happened to me and work through it and use my experiences in my favour to give me a lot of what I draw from when I act.&quot; [http://nz.entertainment.yahoo.com/070620/6/o0b.html]
** &quot;She's the only person I've ever approached - she had such an impact on my life as a kid. She lost her mother too and came on MTV when I was 13 saying it was OK to be sad. Our family had handled my mother's death in a traditional, never-speak-of-her-again kind of way. It was only when I heard Madonna that I thought, 'That's it. I've never really grieved for my mother.' She gave me permission to do that and I wanted her to know how much it had helped me. She's just fantastic.&quot; [http://www.contactmusic.com/news.nsf/article/pompeo%20inspired%20by%20madonna_1006887]

* '''[[w:Kelly Ripa|Kelly Ripa]]''': &quot;I think she's used to people gushing over her and all of that, but I think she quickly sort of came to realize that yes, in fact I do go to every concert. The last concert she did, we made eye contact. Okay, in my mind it was eye contact. Madonna has no recollection, but I know she stared at me. There's something about her. I think she's very clever and witty. She's really funny. She's really down to earth when she's here. And I just love that about her. And I love looking at her because she's a physical specimen. [http://www.ew.com/ew/article/0,,20055234,00.html].

* '''[[w:Debi Mazar|Debi Mazar]]''':
** &quot;We’ve always been friends. Our friendship has always been very deep and... We get into it! We’re both Leo’s, we’re both born in August. But, in terms of being friends, we keep it real.&quot; [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XKRd3btfHiA]

* '''[[Alicia Silverstone]]''': &quot;I'd die if I was Madonna. I'd die. God, what a horrible way to live. And Michael Jackson! To be so famous and to feel so isolated. I feel so bad for them. I don't know how it feels, and I hope it never happens to me.&quot; [http://www.celebrities-photo.com/alicia-silverstone.html].

* '''[[w:Mike Myers|Mike Myers]]''': &quot;It was terrifying, It was like kissing the Eiffel Tower in terms of how famous she is.&quot; [about making out with Madonna for tv skit] [http://www.metro.co.uk/fame/article.html?in_article_id=171680&amp;in_page_id=7&amp;in_a_source=]

* '''[[w:Pedro Almodóvar|Pedro Almodóvar]]''': &quot;When she came with her Blond Ambition tour I prepared a dinner for her, and that little thief didn’t tell us that everything she was recording was going to be part of her film. Madonna was asking for Antonio Banderas’ phone number all the time, because she wanted to screw him and I never gave it to her. When she went out jogging she always had her six bodyguards and I told her: 'Madonna, babe, this kind of things are not very attractive here in Spain.' In this country, that thing about bodyguards is like an offense, nobody is going to shoot Madonna or whoever in Spain. But in United States bodyguards seem to be, like a part of the body of the star. She asked me if I didn't have bodyguards and I said 'I would only have them to fuck them'.&quot; [http://allaboutmadonna.com/2009/03/pedro-almodovar-on-madonna.php]

* '''[[Quentin Tarantino]]''':
** &quot;I’ve always said that Madonna has gotten a bad rap. She was the only actor who knew what she was doing in ‘Dick Tracy’. She was my favorite in ‘A League of Their Own’. If I had something right for her, I would totally cast her.&quot; [http://popdirt.com/quentin-tarantino-wants-madonna-in-one-of-his-movies/27851/]
** &quot;I guess I’ll have to marry Elvis Presley to get even.&quot; (About Guy Ritchie marrying Madonna) [http://alltopmovies.com/top-10-most-outrageous-quentin-tarantino-quotes]

* '''[[w:Rachel Weisz|Rachel Weisz]]''': &quot;I think Madonna’s amazing. She constantly reinvents herself and I just went to see her art show in New York the other day and that was great.&quot; [http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/International_Buzz/Im_incredibly_messyRachel_Weisz_/articleshow/2645117.cms]

* '''[[w:Rex Lee|Rex Lee]]''': &quot;Remember when Madonna was first on American Bandstand and she told Dick Clark she wanted to rule the world? Well I don't want to rule the world, but I want to make my mark on the world... You know what? I'm lying. I do want to rule the world.&quot; [http://www.madonnatribe.com/news/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=1447]

* '''[[Tom Cruise]]''': &quot;I've known Madonna for years. I really admire her.&quot; [http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/2008-02-07-madonna_malawi_N.htm].

* '''[[w:Michael C. Hall|Michael C. Hall]]''': &quot;I caught Madonna live in Miami last year. It was a kick ass show; truly amazing. Her stage presence left me speechless, I just loved it.&quot; [http://madge-tribe.blogspot.com/2009/02/michael-c-hall-on-madonna.html].

* '''[[w:Tim Vincent|Tim Vincent]]''': &quot;I get to meet some very, very beautiful ladies through my job. Madonna is very sexy and she really flirted with me, which was amazing.&quot; [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=19538]

* '''[[w:Rosanna Arquette|Rosanna Arquette]]''': &quot;It suddenly just exploded overnight; you know, she was everywhere. And they started kind of rewriting the script for that, to tailor-make it for her in those moments. And here she is, still at it. She's 50 years old – almost 50 and rocking on. I think that's great.&quot; [http://www.thestar.com/entertainment/Television/article/409956]

* '''[[w:Denise Richards|Denise Richards]]''': &quot;You feel lazy watching her because you gotta get off your butt and just work, [She] is really an inspiration for everyone.&quot; [http://www.usmagazine.com/news/denise-richards-madonna-makes-me-feel-lazy]

* '''[[w:Anthea Turner|Anthea Turner]]''': &quot;I've got a huge amount of respect for Madonna - she's often labeled a control freak but she's just a perfectionist. There's a difference between looking tacky and artistic, and I think Madonna looks incredible. You can celebrate your body whatever age you are - there's no limit.&quot; [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/celebritynews/4348665/Anthea-Turner-does-a-Madonna-in-revealing-photo-shoot.html].

* '''Nathan Rissman''': It was amazing working with Madonna. She does everything 100 per cent, and so to be involved in what she was doing, for her to let me go forward and make this project was amazing. She's been involved creatively on every aspect. She knows pictures, she knows sound, she's really, really good. The most memorable thing about working with Madonna is seeing her in the village - seeing her really letting go of that celebrity status, really spending time with people, getting her feet dirty, and dancing, singing and crying with people. It was amazing to see her take on that new character. Madonna really wanted to bring some awareness to Malawi, and she really believed in me.  [http://www.metro.co.uk/fame/article.html?in_article_id=144651&amp;in_page_id=7&amp;in_a_source=]

* '''[[w:Malin Akerman|Malin Akerman]]''': &quot;I got ice cream cones and put them on my boobs. I wanted to be just like her.&quot; [http://www.style.com/peopleparties/parties/scoop/newyork-101408FILT/]

* '''[[Lindsay Lohan]]''':
** &quot;Timeless. She is just timeless.&quot; [https://archive.is/20130630011433/www.nypost.com/pagesixmag/issues/20081116/Trend+Madonnas+Mad+Mad+World]
** &quot;When I was little, every day after school I would come home and put in her The Immaculate Collection disc and karaoke to it around the whole house.&quot; [http://www.glamour.com/magazine/2009/03/american-icons?slide=9]

* '''[[w:Emmanuelle Seigner|Emmanuelle Seigner]]''': &quot;I like her boss and ultra-feminist side. I hate the concept of &quot;femme-objet&quot;, and the idea that women are still maltreated in certain parts of the world irritates me.&quot; [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=17760]

* '''[[w:Toby Kebbell|Toby Kebbell]]''': &quot;She's gorgeous. A lovely, stunning woman.&quot; [http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20223682,00.html?xid=rss-topheadlines]

* '''[[w:Michael Parkinson|Michael Parkinson]]''': &quot;She turned out to be so bright, frank and funny it made you wonder what the previous debate had been about. Hers is an extraordinary story of determination and hard work and the perfect antidote to the celebrity pap fed to today's wannabes. Anyone wanting to succeed in the music business, or indeed any other business, should watch the interview and learn what it really takes to get to the top.&quot; [http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1065418/Parkinson-Madonna-Robert-Mitchum-drug-offer-I-refuse.html].

* '''Stephen Jon Lewicki''': &quot;That woman has more sensuality in her ear than most women have anywhere on their bodies.&quot; [http://www.fast-rewind.com/making_certainsacrifice.htm].

* '''[[Michael Moore]]''':
** &quot;If we had a royal system she'd be the queen of Michigan and all the Michiganders would Bow down to her, and I'm not kidding. She's a person with a good heart; she does a lot of good for other people. I really admire her.&quot; (From E! News).
** &quot;She's one of the most caring and generous people I've met.&quot; [http://www.record-eagle.com/local/local_story_144100317.html]
** &quot;She spent the past couple of years filming what the people go through, and the efforts to help them, I saw the film  about a month ago. It's a fantastic, powerful movie.&quot; (About the film ''[[w:I Am Because We Are|I Am Because We Are]]'')
** &quot;She's sort of entered my realm. When I saw it [''I Am Because We Are''], I thought, 'Wow, it's like she's been making these films for years.&quot; [http://web.archive.org/web/20121022200541/http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/chi-ap-mi-madonna-moore,0,1510918.story]
** &quot;[She's] one of the smartest people I know.&quot; [I'm] humbled to be able to call Madonna a friend. She has such an incredible heart and such a generous spirit. She does so much out of the glare of the lights to make the world a better place.&quot;
[http://www.freep.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080803/ENT01/808030588] [http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080803/ap_on_en_mu/people_film_festival_madonna]

* '''[[w:Andrea Riseborough|Andrea Riseborough]]''':
** &quot;She's just a lovely woman. My first experience of her was a very nice cup of Earl Grey in a living room in her house. That's how we talked about doing something together and it was really artistically a very complicit relationship throughout.&quot;
** &quot;Madonna has an infectious passion for all sorts of things and she's very worldly. She has a real wisdom.&quot; [http://www.google.com/hostednews/ukpress/article/ALeqM5jqixj8n--BhKFzFCYe5St6VQVSbA?docId=N0422501296235367281A]
** &quot;You may think you know somebody like that. But of course you never really know them until you actually meet them. And she is absolutely wonderful. She is so strong. She is such an endless inspiration.&quot; [http://web.archive.org/web/20110210211115/http://www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/weekend/2011/0205/1224289050405.html].

* '''[[w:Natalie Dormer|Natalie Dormer]]''': &quot;Madonna is a woman of great vision and passion and focus - she is a force to be reckoned with, as you would imagine and she has a brilliant eye.&quot; [http://www.belfasttelegraph.co.uk/entertainment/film-tv/news/dormer-on-madonnas-directing-style-15096546.html#ixzz1F0I2MDOX]

* '''[[w:Christoph Waltz|Christoph Waltz]]''': &quot;It was fantastic (partying with Madonna). Everyone was there. I fought my way through because I mean, this is the hostess, the least I can do is thank her for the invitation. It was difficult, it took me about an hour and a half... In the end, I got there, and apparently I was standing right in front of her. You know, I looked for Madonna and there was this chick dancing, 'Where's Madonna?' (pointing at the girl). That was her, she was dancing like... I thought she was, you know, 23-24.&quot; [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-WP1WWK70fw]

* '''[[w:David Fincher|David Fincher]]''': &quot;Madonna is my Vatican. She’s my Sistine Chapel.&quot; [http://www.madonnarama.com/posts-en/2010/10/12/david-fincher-on-madonna-shes-my-vatican]

* '''[[Marcia Cross]]''': &quot;We used to swim at the same pool. She’d get out and put all this jewelry on - and I’d go home with my wet hair.&quot;

* '''[[w:Julia Roberts|Julia Roberts]]''': “I got her new album – it`s amazing,” she says. “I really respect and admire her.” [http://aboutjulia.com/site/2005/11/julia-roberts-would-love-to-work-with-madonna/]

===Fashion industry===
* '''[[w:Bert Stern|Bert Stern]]''': &quot;Madonna is gorgeous, the most beautiful eyes you ever saw. A little rough around the edges. She's a tough chick. She spits it out. She has her own agenda. It manifests in the pictures.&quot; [http://dir.salon.com/story/sex/feature/2001/08/14/marilyn/index2.html].

* '''[[w:Dolce &amp; Gabbana|Dolce &amp; Gabbana]]''': [http://web.archive.org/20091115135959/madonna-by-letizia.over-blog.com/article-d-g-1-38981426.html]
** &quot;We were in love with her at that time. We always have been. We wondered to ourselves if she’d ever wear Dolce &amp; Gabbana and we’d ever get the opportunity to express our admiration for her in person, let her know how inspiring and express the gratitude that all fans feel when they meet their idol... our idol. An exaggerated word I know, but I think it’s the correct one where Madonna is concerned! The summer came and went, and one day in September our press office received a page from the International Herald Tribune with a photo of Madonna. She was in Paris, dressed in all black and all Dolce &amp; Gabbana. We were incredibly emotional; Domenico and I still consider this moment today as one of the most intensive of our career. It seemed like a lucky gift for two Madonna fans, and we couldn’t ask for more.&quot;
** &quot; We arrived early [to meet Madonna], our legs were shaking, and we were incredibly nervous. At that time you could still smoke inside restaurants, and I must have smoked about half a pack of cigarettes whilst I was waiting. Madonna arrived right on time. She was on the set of the film Dick Tracey then, and arrived dressed as a man with make-up like Marlene Dietrich.&quot;
** &quot;She was sweet and kind, and immediately put us at ease, telling us how much she loved our work, how she loved Italy, and that she was originally from Abruzzo. She was curious to know more about our career, how we’d started, how we worked, where we drew our inspiration from, Sicilian women, Dolce Vita, pop culture and the era of the eighties that had just finished. We didn’t hide our admiration for her for even a minute; we felt a reciprocal kindness, and pretty soon, the lunch developed into one between friends, full of ironic jokes and compliments. We admired her more that we thought possible as fans. We felt like the luckiest fans in the world. We’d met a wonderful person, and above all, a new friend.&quot;

* '''[[w:Christian Audigier|Christian Audigier]]''': &quot;She is really all about the detail. She knows exactly what she likes and is always proposing ideas to us. After that she decides whether she wants to add shoes or other things. She's like me, when it's a, 'Yes,' it's a big, 'Yes.' When it's a, 'No,' it's a definite, 'No!' I like people like that, a lot of people are really critical but never give a solution. She is not like that.&quot; [https://archive.is/20130629215144/www.monstersandcritics.com/lifestyle/fashion/news/article_1487263.php/Madonnas_ageless_clothes%23ixzz0KU9scxSQ&amp;D]

* '''[[w:Jean-Baptiste Mondino|Jean-Baptiste Mondino]]''': &quot;She's John Lennon and Yoko Ono at the same time&quot;. [http://www.buy-web-traffic.net].

* '''[[w:Donatella Versace|Donatella Versace]]''':
** &quot;She's one of the most loyal friends I have. When my brother died, the first person that I got a phone call from was Madonna; she said she's there for me in anything I need.&quot; ([[w:Behind_the_Music|VH1 Behind The Music]])
** &quot;She inspires me a lot. I made all my Winter collection listening to &quot;Confessions on a Dance Floor.&quot;
** &quot;The word 'icon' is overused, but in the case of Madonna I believe it has some meaning. She is a true icon. She has become a symbol of modern womanhood - confident, ambitious, dynamic, constantly reinventing herself. She is also a friend of mine and my late brother Gianni so there is a sense in which she symbolized the way in which Versace was staying true to its DNA, while evolving for the 21st century.&quot; [http://www.thecheers.org/news/Celebrity/news_6956_Donatella-Versace-thinks-Madonna-is-a-symbol-of-modern-womanhood.html].

* '''[[w:Amy Arbus|Amy Arbus]]''': &quot;Madonna just wandered along like everyone else. I recognized her as the girl who went to my gym — as the girl who would sit around naked longest in the locker room. Now that I think back on it, how could either of us have afforded a gym membership? She still had a last name at that point, and when I told her I worked for the ''Voice'', she said, 'Oh, that’s so funny. They’re reviewing my first single this week.' I recently looked back—it only took six frames to get that picture. I just think the look on her face is so prescient—it really has a sense of knowing what’s in store for her.&quot; [http://www.themorningnews.org/archives/galleries/on_the_street/]

* '''[[w:Frida Giannini|Frida Giannini]]''': &quot;Meeting Madonna for the very first time was a shock. She was a myth to me. She was the first poster I hung on my room's wall when I was 14. And then I found herself in front of me, shook her hand. Her immense mediatic power still impresses me. Only to mention that the laminated jacket we made in twelve different versions for her last tour ended up being one of the season's best-sellers would be enough.&quot; [http://www.madonnatribe.com/news/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=1683]

* '''[[w:Jean-Paul Gaultier|Jean-Paul Gaultier]]''': [http://www.madonnalicious.com/images/extra/2008/look_131008.jpg]
** &quot;I proposed to Madonna three times, but she refused all the time. Always in very a polite way. She's the only woman I would ever have married. I find her attractive sexually.
** &quot;She's still provocative and aggressive. She went mystical and does yoga, and she's a good mother, so of course she's changed. She's still rebellious, though. When she doesn't like something, she says it.&quot;

* '''[[w:Jenny Shimizu|Jenny Shimizu]]''':
** &quot;Madonna’s a wonderful woman. When I first got to New York, I knew very little, and she knew all about the city — she was a wonderful kind of tour guide&quot; [http://justjared.buzznet.com/2009/02/26/jenny-shimizu-make-me-a-supermodel/]
** &quot;I actually stayed at Madonna's house in New York City for a short bit when I was in the process of moving between lofts. She let me stay there again, when I moved back to LA and was looking for a place to live. She has a lot of houses all over. So when she's not there or if she's there, she's very kind that way, very generous.&quot; [http://www.giantrobot.com/issues/issue10/jenny/]
** &quot;From the age of 14 I'd watched her videos and thought, ‘I'm going to have sex with that gorgeous woman one day.' For hours we explored each others bodies, kissing every inch. Far from the domineering, sex-crazed woman many think she is, I found her a very gentle lover. It wasn't about whips and chains. Madonna wanted someone she could trust to call when she wanted pleasuring right there and then. I was her secret ‘booty call' available any time of the day or night for secret sex sessions. This woman exuded raw sex appeal and I couldn't get enough of her. I loved the fact I was at this woman's beck and call. It turned me on being ordered to her room whenever she felt like sex.&quot; [http://xrrf.blogspot.com/2006/04/i-was-madonnas-booty-call.html] [http://mypetjawa.mu.nu/archives/173876.php]

* '''[[w:Lee Friedlander|Lee Friedlander]]''': &quot;[She] seemed very confident, a street-wise girl. She told me she was putting a band together but half the kids that age are doing that. She was a good professional model.&quot; [http://web.archive.org/web/20090119070252/news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090116/ap_en_ot/madonna_auction]

* '''[[Marc Jacobs]]'''
** &quot;I wanted the campaign to be very bold, very sensual and very atmospheric. To carry off all these references and all this sophistication, we needed the ultimate performer and for me, that is Madonna.&quot; [http://fashion.glam.com/blogs/fashiontribes_daily/madonna_strikes_the_pose_for_louis_vuitton/?cat=Fashion]
** &quot;I was totally just blown away by it, and moved by her performance, by what she had to say, and her energy. She’s so sure of herself as an icon and as a woman. What fascinates me the most about her is her never-ending energy, and the idea of becoming and changing. She’s an artist who’s unafraid to use her voice.&quot; [http://www.wwd.com/media-news/fashion-memopad/madonna-and-marc-mslo-exit-1877806] (About the desire to hire Madonna in Louis Vuitton's fashion advertising campaign after attending her [[w:sticky and Sweet Tour|Sticky &amp; Sweet]] concert).

* '''[[w:Natassia Malthe|Natassia Malthe]]''': &quot;I'm a fan of Madonna's. I've followed her since I was 10. I'm a huge fan of hers - which woman isn't? She's such a strong person, she's just so different from anybody else. She's sustained herself in this business. I go to everything that is Madonna, she is just an amazing human being.&quot; [http://www.dailystar.co.uk/gossip/view/35994/Madonna-documentary-premieres-in-NY/]

* '''[[w:Steven Klein|Steven Klein]]''': &quot;[Madonna] is very clear, surprisingly focused in conceiving innovative pictures. When you think about it you never see her back, you rarely see anyone's back in a photograph and it's fascinating to show its muscular structure&quot;. [http://entertainment.timesonline.co.uk/tol/arts_and_entertainment/visual_arts/article1310737.ece].

* '''[[w:Fabian Baron|Fabian Baron]]''': &quot;She's very imposing and knows what she wants. She's very informed and opinionated, which makes her genius. She takes you in and swallows you up—and you don't mind it, you actually enjoy it. There's an unspoken seduction that goes on. I was young, She was young, too, and beautiful. She knows what she's doing. And such drive. Some people want to lift stones and see what's under it. She'll be on a beach with millions of stones and want to lift every one of them.&quot; [http://www.hintmag.com/hinterview/fabienbaron/fabienbaron2.php]

* '''[[w:Herb Ritts|Herb Ritts]]''': &quot;I've always said that if you didn't know Madonna necessarily, you'd still be curious about the woman in the photograph.&quot; [http://www.herbritts.com/about/interview/?page=04]

===Publishing industry===
* '''[[w:Gregory David Roberts|Gregory David Roberts]]''': &quot;She was so unfussy. I think the thing about Madonna is that she's tremendously intelligent. She's fiercely intelligent; she's very sharp, very funny, very witty, very quick and will not accept second best. She will pick you up immediately in a conversation and defend her position and will put it forward with a rigorous intelligence. I think it's intimidating to a lot of people - I love it! For me it can't get any better than that, so I loved that about her, but I do think a lot of people are intimidated by her and reading it as something that it's not. It's simply a fierce intelligence. She's one of the smartest people you could ever meet.&quot; [http://edition.cnn.com/video/#/video/international/2009/06/18/rao.ta.shantaram.cnn?iref=videosearch]

* '''Jeffrey Fulvimari''': &quot;There is only one thing to do with someone as special as Madonna....celebrate her. She told us so in one of her very first songs! But, mostly, she gives us something more to adore every year, and aside from making huge hits, her work in Malawi is something for everyone to emulate. Working with her is a dream come true!!! She has Never ever treated me in any other way but professionally, and with respect. I mean, gosh when the Queen of Pop loves what you do, there's no better feeling!! I really concentrate on the fact that these books are bringing a better life to those most in need in the world, and until more celebrities (and celebrity photographers) step up and do the charitable works she is doing, they cannot speak an ill word about her. People need to stop copying her videos and performances, and copy what really means the most to her...'Raising Malawi'! That's what it's all about!&quot; [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=jeffrey_fulvimari]

* '''[[w:Lucy O'Brien|Lucy O'Brien]]''':
** &quot;I feel that she has constantly conveyed a message of empowerment to women - that women don't have to seek approval before doing something, that they can be bold and brave and fulfill their potential - and that's very inspiring. She has also been vocal in her support of gay politics and latterly, has become involved in the fight against global poverty. In pop culture terms, she has been hugely influential - very few pop artists are so determined and outspoken. [http://www.madonnatribe.com/idol/lucy_obrien.htm]
** &quot;Madonna is a force of nature above and beyond the art she creates. It is as if we consume her rather that her music, even when her music is great.&quot; [http://madonnajam.iespana.es/said.html?0&amp;weborama=-1#qm].

* '''[[Paulo Coelho]]''': &quot;Today is late Sunday and I just returned from the show of Madonna. And what did I see? A young 50 year-old dancing like a child, a queen, a teenager. It got me thinking about the fact that I believe we are aging differently from the previous generations. I remember for instance my parents at the age of 50 and they were already old, and more importantly they considered themselves as already old.&quot; [http://paulocoelhoblog.com/2008/09/22/madonna-and-us/]

===Live entertainment===
* '''Christopher Flynn''': &quot;She was kind of far-out. One of the best students I've ever had, a very worldly sort of woman even as a child. We would go to gay bars, and she and I would go out and dance our asses off. People would clear away and let her go.&quot; [http://www.people.com/people/archive/article/0,,20090144,00.html].

* '''[[w:Camille Barbone|Camille Barbone]]''': [http://community.seattletimes.nwsource.com/archive/?date=19911105&amp;slug=1315402]
** &quot;Madonna loves beautiful women and she is into anyone sexually, male or female, who is beautiful.&quot;
** &quot;She loves sex and would go after any man she wanted. There's a strong maleness in Madonna. She seduces men the way men seduce women.&quot;
** &quot;Men were always overwhelmed by Madonna. She's seductive and alluring. She has an amazing ability to manipulate men, based on her sensuality and the possibility of sexual favors. The entourage of young men she had hanging around was just waiting to get into bed with her. But she was a great tease. She kept them at a distance, but always interested and intrigued.&quot;

* '''[[w:Bernard Manning|Bernard Manning]]''': &quot;Madonna? Lovely. Oh yes. Nice skin. You could tell she wasn't a scrubber.&quot; [http://www.highbeam.com/doc/1G1-82635173.html].

* '''[[Sandra Bernhard]]''': &quot;...I run into [Madonna] all the time, so it's not like there's any irresolvable strangeness. I like to think of the time when we were hanging out as the end of an era. We played out our friendship in the public forum, but it wasn't drunken or irresponsible airheads hanging out - she's a smart lady and I'm obviously my own brand of intellectual.&quot; [http://observer.guardian.co.uk/magazine/story/0,,2153856,00.html].

* '''[[w:Jonathan Ross|Jonathan Ross]]''': &quot;Madonna, the original MILF.&quot; [http://mario.jaiku.com/presence/6234543]

* '''Carlton Wilborn''': [http://www.madonnatribe.com/idol/carlton.htm]
** &quot;Madonna was really a Lady to me. At least how she dealt with me, I don't know how any of the other dancers felt about her. Inside of her rigid perfectionist, artistic brain there was a real elegance about her. The way that she lived her private life... that's one of the things I was surprised by. I would have thought that she would have had a much more avant-guard private life and she really didn't at all. She was very classy in her private life.&quot;
** &quot;My fondest memory of Madonna has nothing to do with tours. My fondest memory of Madonna happened in 1995 when I was having a really hard time in my career, Madonna became aware of that and she allowed me to live for a few months in the castle that she had in Hollywood. I stayed there three months, she was out of town for the majority of that time. I will always be in debit to Madonna no matter what. It was a real hard time for me and she reached out in a way she really didn't have to. She could have helped me in other ways but the fact that she truly, truly, let me know that she trusted me in her personal space at that degree really meant a lot to me.&quot;

* '''[[w:Sofia Boutella|Sofia Boutella]]''': &quot;Amazing. It was really hard work, but it has helped me to know myself a little bit more, I really like Madonna because she is a tireless worker.&quot; [http://www.madonnatribe.com/news/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=1214]

* '''[[w:Criss Angel|Criss Angel]]''': &quot;Madonna is a tremendous example of someone who went to NY with couple of dollars in her pocket and an enormous dream to conquer the world. She did whatever she had to do until she hit the big time. I admired her commitment and determination. She clearly understood what her market wanted in a performer. She's a great example of someone who developed a unique style, look, and brand and then marketed herself as a total package, filling a void that everyone else bought in to and tried to copy. She's an innovative genius.&quot; [http://i37.tinypic.com/j9lyiq.jpg]

* '''[[w:Dennis Rodman|Dennis Rodman]]''': ''Bad as I Wanna Be''
** &quot;Whenever I was with her I always knew I was around a woman who had power and knew how to wield it. She is a big-time businesswoman, and she knows exactly what she wants.
** &quot;She's a great lady. If you watch her on TV or in her videos, you get the perception of her as a real hard person who says &quot;Fuck&quot; for twenty minutes on David Letterman. In person, she's nothing like that. I don't remember her swearing to excess when we were out together. She always handled herself elegantly.&quot;

* '''[[w:Florence Foresti|Florence Foresti]]''': [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=17976]
** &quot;Madonna's my idol and the incarnation of the ultimate star, with what we can imagine of requirement, dictatorship.&quot;
** &quot;Each year, I wait for three rendez-vous with same impatience: Woody Allen's last movie, the CD or the concert by Madonna and the new book by Philippe Djan.&quot;
** &quot;Since I am a teenager, I am a fan of Madonna. I admire her determination, her talent, I know her career by heart. To prepare this parody, I saw a documentary again, in order to prepare the expressions of her face. I put the accent on her Diva side, whose desires are orders. A little jacket, a leotard, shoes, I copied her look from her album &quot;Confessions on a Dance Floor&quot;, inspired by the beginning of the eighties. Dressed as my idol, I was happy as a kid who put a costume of Superman!&quot;

* '''[[w:Jamie King|Jamie King]]''': &quot;She's confident, sensual and strong, but I like to bring out her vulnerability as well.&quot; [http://www.madonnalicious.com/images/extra/2007/thedailynews_020407.jpg]

* '''Yuki Matsumoto''': &quot;Madonna inspires creativity and expressions beyond gender, religion, race, nationality, culture and all borders. &quot;Madonna’s philosophy and originality always invigorates the world audience every time she produces a new album. Conventions and trends are challenged and redefined for the new values. &quot;Madonna is in sync with nature and balances her lifestyle to achieve her best physical and mental conditions. Her ever innovative spirits are in tune with her respect of nature. Despite her celebrity and never ending professional activities, Madonna always says FAMILY FIRST. Love and respect for all those who are dear to her are the most important values in life.&quot; [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=17360]

===Religious Institutions===
* '''[[w:Church of England|Church of England]]''':
** &quot;Is Madonna prepared to take on everything else that goes with wearing a crown of thorns?&quot; [http://godsstory.3story.org/stories/post/2006/08/11/madonna]
** &quot;Why would someone with so much talent feel the need to promote herself by offending so many people?&quot;  [http://www.secularism.org.uk/queenofcontroversyhitsthehotbutt.html].

* '''[[w:Jorge Medina|Jorge Medina]]''', Cardinal of the [[w:Roman Catholic Church|Roman Catholic Church]]
** &quot;This woman comes [to Santiago, Chile for her &quot;Sticky &amp; Sweet Tour&quot;], and in an incredibly shameless manner, she provokes a crazy enthusiasm, an enthusiasm of lust, lustful thoughts, impure thoughts.&quot; [http://web.archive.org/web/20081214095954/http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5jEslaEheEX0WsVn48IvUBZkpqr7AD9502LH83]
** &quot;The atmosphere in our city is pretty agitated because this woman is visiting and with incredibly shameful behavior provokes a wild and lustful enthusiasm. Thoughts of lust, impure thoughts, impure acts, are an offense to God and a dirty stain on our heart.&quot; [http://in.news.yahoo.com/137/20081211/778/tod-lustful-madonna-offends-god-says-chi.html]

===Political Field===
* '''[[Nicolas Sarkozy]]''': &quot;The French like burgers, Madonna and Miami Vice.&quot; [http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/05/06/AR2007050600644.html].

* '''[[Al Gore]]''': &quot;I appreciate and respect her as an artist and as a person.&quot; [http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2-2007280084,00.html].

* '''Dr. Peter van Ham''': &quot;NATO should follow the Madonna-curve, and not wait till its controversies escalate into public wrangles. The argument that tinkering on the edges will do since all challenges can be dealt with one at a time simply does not hold. To be successful, NATO needs a package-deal of painful compromises, where each member state has to give and take. This requires a comprehensive reform effort which only a new strategic concept offers. The quality of adapting to new tasks whilst staying true to one’s own principles is something which business analysts qualify as the Madonna-curve. This curve is named after the legendary pop-diva who reinvented herself each time her style and stardom went into inevitable decline, but whose audacity has lifted her up to ever higher levels of [[relevance]] and fame.&quot; [http://www.nato.int/docu/review/2008/03/ART5/EN/index.htm].

===Other===
*  Pipe bands greeted the Queen and the Queen mother when they visited us and a few people turned out. But everybody appeared to see this woman Madonna. She had them all in the palm of her hand.
** Jim Matheson [http://edition.cnn.com/2000/SHOWBIZ/Music/12/22/madonna/]

* I think she glows, she's an amazing performer and her work inspires me. There will be no other Madonna.&quot; (From the book ''&quot;Madonna talking&quot;'' by Mick St. Michael)
** Mariquita Robinson.

* '''[[Alex Rodriguez]]'''
** &quot;I have a lot of respect for her. She's very committed to making the world a better place.&quot; [http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20244527,00.html]
** &quot;She's an amazing entertainer. And it's been amazing how she's been able to stay on top for three decades. She's very smart, and she's passionate about everything she does. If there ever was any situation, she's a great ear to have, you know? I met her about 12 years ago in Miami, believe it or not, That's how we know each other. I was trying to buy her house, and I couldn't afford it.&quot; [http://men.style.com/details/features/landing?id=content_8397]

* '''Tracy Anderson''':
** &quot;[She has] the most amazing work ethic. Madonna is exquisite to look at and she works hard at it.&quot; **[http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2009/jan/03/tracy-anderson-personal-trainer-madonna]
** &quot;People say to me, 'Madonna must really boss you around' and I tell them 'No! She’s the most docile, sweet, quiet little student'. Madonna never slacks off. She’s like a gym nerd. I challenge anybody to see Madonna in person and not want her body. What she’s achieved is not unnatural.&quot; [http://www.mirror.co.uk/celebs/celebs-on-sunday/2009/03/15/tracy-anderson-madonna-is-such-a-perfect-pupil-it-s-gwyneth-who-gives-me-cheek-115875-21190090/]

* She's a dream pupil; She's very driven, listens to what you say and just wants to do it and improve. You can always get somewhere with someone like that. When I started teaching her she hadn't jumped at all and now she can jump a course of 1.05m. Jumping and hacking are her two favorite things.
**Daisy Trayford [http://www.horseandhound.co.uk/news/397/275035.html]
==References==
{{reflist}}

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
*[http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-interviews-articles Madonna's magazine interviews]
*[http://allaboutmadonna.com All Madonna Lyrics]
*[http://www.vagalume.com.br/artista/m/madonna.html Madonna Letras] - Hundreds of Madonna Lyrics
*[http://music-city.org/discography.php?artist=Madonna Madonna's facts]

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}}
'''[[w:Madonna (entertainer)|Madonna Louise Ciccone]]''' (born [[16 August]] [[1958]]), known simply by her first name '''Madonna''', is an American pop singer-songwriter, dancer, and actress.
She has been often referred to, by the media, as the 'Queen of pop'.&lt;ref&gt;[http://www.guinnessworldrecords.com/content_pages/record.asp?recordid=55387]&lt;/ref&gt; Madonna's record company credited her as having sold over 300 million records worldwide.&lt;ref&gt;[http://www.marketwire.com/mw/release_html_b1?release_id=97678]&lt;/ref&gt;

== Quotes ==
* I've never really lived a conventional life, so I think it's quite foolish for me or anyone else to start thinking that I am going to start making conventional choices.
** {{cite web|url=http://www.okmagazine.com/news/madonna-misses-certain-things-about-being-married|title=Madonna Misses &quot;Certain Things&quot; About Being Married|publisher=[[w:OK!|OK!]]|date=2012-01-12}}

* To rule the world. 
** {{cite web|url=http://www.cnn.com/CNN/Programs/people/shows/madonna/timeline.html|title=Madonna Timeline|publisher=[[w:CNN|CNN]]}}
** (When asked what she wanted to do, on &quot;American Bandstand&quot;, 1983.)

* Now there's no point in placing the [[blame]] &lt;br/&gt; And you should know I'd [[suffer]] the same
** ''[[w:Frozen (Madonna song)|Frozen]]'' (February 23, 1998) from the album ''{{w|Ray of Light}}'' (March 3, 1998), cowritten with [[Patrick Leonard]].

* &quot;A lot of people are just really confused by me; they don’t know what to think of me, so they try to compartmentalize me or diminish me. Maybe they just feel unsafe. But any time you have an overtly emotional or irrational, negative reaction to something, you’re fearing something that it’s bringing up in you.&quot; 
** {{cite web|url=http://entertainment.timesonline.co.uk/tol/arts_and_entertainment/music/article6836901.ece?token=null&amp;offset=0&amp;page=1|title=Madonna Interview:Sunday Times Culture|publisher=[[w:The Times|The Times]]|date=2009-09-20}}

* Better to live one year as a tiger, than a hundred as sheep. 
**{{cite web|url=http://www.theinsider.com/news/1130430_Madonna_50_Years_Of_Wit_And_Wisdom|title=Madonna: 50 Years Of Wit And Wisdom|publisher=[[w:The Insider|The Insider]]}}

* &quot;I love horses. I think I may have been one of Henry VIII’s knights in another life, riding through a great forest.&quot; 
** {{cite web|url=http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/showbiz/news/a119799/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-madonna.html|title=The wit and wisdom of Madonna|publisher=[[w:Digital Spy|Digital Spy]]|date=2008-08-15}}

* &quot;I just like the idea of pills. I like to collect them but not actually take them. When I fell off my horse, I got tons of stuff: Demerol and Vicodin and Xanax and Valium and Oxycontin, which is supposed to be like heroin. And I'm quite scared to take them. I'm a control freak.&quot; 
**{{cite web|url=http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-library/madonna-interview-rolling-stone-december-01-2005|title=Madonna Interview : Rolling Stone|publisher=[[w:Rolling Stone|Rolling Stone]]|date=2005-12-01}}

* &quot;I'm tough, ambitious, and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay.&quot; 
** {{cite web|url=http://www.people.com/people/archive/article/0,,20113175,00.html|title=Madonna|publisher=[[w:People (magazine)|People]]|date=1992-07-27}}

* &quot;I wanted to be a boy when I was growing up because I was in love with all of the male dancers I knew and they were all gay. And I thought, Well, if I was a boy, they'd love me. So I got into role-playing then. That's where it began. I remember when I was still in high school, I had cut my hair off really short, and I was totally anorexic - I had no boobs - and I would dress like a boy and go to gay clubs and my goal was to trick men into thinking I was a boy.&quot; 
** {{cite web|url=http://www.theguardian.com/theobserver/1999/dec/12/life1.lifemagazine1|title=Ray Of Light|publisher=[[w:The Guardian|The Guardian]]|date=1999-12-01}}

* &quot;I have the most perfect belly button. When I stick my fingers in it, I feel a nerve in the center of my body shoot up my spine.&quot; 
**{{cite web|url=https://books.google.ru/books?id=9ugCQfxwym0C|title=Confessions of a Madonna|publisher=[[w:Spin magazine|SPIN]]|date=1985-05-01}}

* &quot;I liked my body growing up and I wasn't ashamed of it. I liked boys and didn't feel inhibited by them. Maybe it comes from having brothers and sharing a bathroom. The boys got the wrong impression of me at high school. They mistook forwardness for promiscuity. When they don't get what they want, they turn on you. I went through this period when all the girls thought I was loose and the boys said I was a nymphomaniac. The first boy I ever slept with was my boyfriend and we'd been going out a long time.&quot; 
** {{cite  web|url=http://time.com/3724297/madonna-rocks-the-land/|title=Madonna Rocks the Land|publisher=[[w:Time (magazine)|Time]]|date=1985-05-27}}

* I'm not interested in being Wonder Woman in the delivery room. Give me drugs.
** {{cite web|url=http://www.independent.co.uk/opinion/the-biggest-mother-of-them-all-1358620.html|title=The biggest mother of them all |publisher=[[w:The Independent|The Independent]]|date=1996-10-16}}

* &quot;She never had public favor; it was a bit like the Hillary Clinton thing. She did all the right things for her country, but she wasn't ultimately revered. So she had a conversation with her confidant-adviser. She asked him, when have they ever looked up to or idolized a woman? Only one, he told her, the Virgin Mary. So she said, Then I will become like the Virgin Mary, and she did. She created a facade for herself; she stopped having lovers; she became like a virgin. She became sexless, and painted her face in a white alabaster way, and turned herself into an icon that was untouchable and sexless, and then she had everybody's respect.&quot; 
**{{cite web|url=http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-library/madonna-interview-aperture-magazine-summer-1999|title=Madonna Interview : Aperture Magazine (Summer 1999)|publisher=[[w:Aperture|Aperture]]}}
** (About Queen of England, [[Elizabeth I]].)

* &quot;Phallic symbols. You know Catholics. I used to draw people naked all the time in my art class and my nun teachers used to tell me I had to put clothes on them. So I just drew lines around their bodies. See-through clothes.&quot; 
**{{cite web|url=http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-library/madonna-interview-island-magazine-october-1983|title=Madonna Interview : Island Magazine (October 1983)|publisher=[[w:Island Magazine|Island]]|date=1983-10-01}}
**(When asked what she used to draw as a kid). 

* &quot;Fame is a by-product. Fame is something that should happen because you do work that speaks to people and people want to know about your work. Unfortunately the personality of people has taken over from the work and the artistry and it's this thing now that stands on its own. I don't think one should ever aspire to being famous.&quot; 
**{{cite web|url=http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-library/madonna-interview-q-magazine-may-2008|title=Madonna Interview : Q Magazine (May 2008)|publisher=[[w:Q magazine|Q]]|date=2008-05-01}}

* &quot;I must have been Japanese in a previous life. I'm pretty sure I was a warrioress. I can't explain it, I just know. I'm good at fighting - fighting with a big sword.&quot; 
** {{cite web|url=http://www.femalefirst.co.uk/celebrity/Madonna-23560.html|title=Madonna's Japanese past|date=2008-11-13|publisher=femalefirst.com}}

* &quot;This is a historical evening. This is fucking important evening... We are lucky to be sharing it with each other. This is the beginning of a whole new world. Open your fucking head!&quot;
** {{cite web|url=http://www.lasvegassun.com/news/2008/nov/07/dont-cry-her-vegas/|title=Don’t cry for her, Vegas|publisher=[[w:Las Vegas Sun|Las Vegas Sun]]|date=2008-11-07}}
** Madonna Onstage in San Diego on election night, congratulated President-elect Barack Obama before a giant projected backdrop of an Obama campaign poster that read, “WE WON.” It ended with Madonna getting the crowd to chant “We are one!” 

* If we can elect an African American as president, we can support gay marriage! Defeat prop 8! We will not give up! 
**{{cite web|url=http://www.sundaytimes.lk/081109/International/sundaytimesinternational-07.html|title=Madonna says it's time US says “I do” to gay marriage|publisher=The Sunday Times|date=2008-11-09}}

* &quot;One is that we are all responsible for our actions, our behavior, and our words, and we must take responsibility for everything we say and do. When you get your head wrapped around that, you can no longer think of life as a series of random events - you participate in life in a way you didn't previously. I am the architect of my destiny. I am in charge. I bring that to me, or I push that away. You can no longer blame other people for things that happened to you. The other is that there is order in the universe, even though it looks like chaos. We separate the world into categories: this is good and this is bad. But life is set up to trick us. It's a series of illusions we invest in. And ultimately those investments don't serve our understanding, because physicality is always going to let you down, because physicality doesn't last.&quot;
**{{cite web|url=http://www.vanityfair.com/news/2008/05/madonna200805|title=Madonnarama!|publisher=[[w:Vanity Fair (magazine)|Vanity Fair]]|date=2008-05-01}}
**(About Kabbalah) 

* &quot;When I experienced what was going on first hand, I just got sucked into the whole thing. Thank God I did. I met some amazing people and, hopefully, I’ve changed the lives of a lot of children. Just as important, I think it’s been an incredible growing and learning experience for me.&quot; (About her work in Malawi).
**{{cite web|url=http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/Story?id=5251905|title=Celebrity Parade With Jeanne Wolf|publisher=[[w:ABC news|ABC]]|date=2008-06-27}}

* &quot;Not only does society suffer from racism and sexism but it also suffers from ageism. Once you reach a certain age you're not allowed to be adventurous, you're not allowed to be sexual. I mean, is there a rule? Are you supposed to just die?&quot; 
**{{cite web|url=http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/showbiz/2007-12F/10/content_6310487.htm|title=Madonna Refuses To Become A Victim of Ageism|publisher=chinadaily.com.cn|date=2007-12-18}}
** Madonna said it at 34 in [[w:Jonathan Ross|Jonathan Ross]] interview ([http://madonnascrapbook.blogspot.ru/2012/02/ageism-and-madonna-saying-fuck-you.html Ageism and Madonna]).

* &quot;Publicly humiliating someone for your own gain will only come and haunt you. God’s going to have his revenge.
**{{cite web|url=http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-library/madonna-interview-q-magazine-april-2003|title=Madonna Interview : Q Magazine|publisher=Q|date=2003-04-01}}

* I hate polite conversation. I hate it when people stand around and go, 'Hi, how are you?' I hate words that don't have any reason or meaning. Also I hate it when people smoke in elevators and closed in places. It's just so rude.
** [http://womenshistory.about.com/od/quotes/a/madonna_2.htm].

* I don't take drugs. I never did. All the feelings that drugs are supposed to produce in you - confidence or energy - I can produce naturally. The only problem is going to sleep. But I never take pills... I drink herbal teas.
** {{cite  web|url=http://time.com/3724297/madonna-rocks-the-land/|title=Madonna Rocks the Land|publisher=[[w:Time (magazine)|Time]]|date=1985-05-27}}

* I think that life is a paradox and you have to embrace that in your work and your belief systems... you can't be a literalist, and that's the trouble that people always find themselves in. That's why people always hit a wall with any of my stuff, because you can't take it literally.
**[http://dazeddigital.com/article/388/1/madonna_worldwide_exclusive_in_dazed_and_confused ''Dazed &amp; Confused'' magazine 29 February 2008]

* One of my all-time favourite poets is Charles Bukowski. I think he's the coolest guy in the world.
**[http://www.madonnanews.net/citaty.html].

* I'm not a feminist, I'm a humanist.
** (''On Stage and On The Record'' 2003).

* Listen, everyone is entitled to my opinion.
** [http://www.theinsider.com/news/1130430_Madonna_50_Years_Of_Wit_And_Wisdom].

* &quot;That consciousness is everything and that all things begin with a thought. That we are responsible for our own fate, we reap what we sow, we get what we give, we pull in what we put out. I know these things for sure.&quot; 
**[http://www.thelpa.com/lpa/quotes.html Talking about Kabbalah]

* &quot;I am because we are. We all bleed the same color. We all want to love and be loved.&quot;
** [http://www.youtube.com/user/iambecauseweare About her documentary ''I Am Because We Are'']

* Be strong, believe in freedom and in God, love yourself, understand your sexuality, have a sense of humor, masturbate, don't judge people by their religion, color or sexual habits, love life and your family.
** From ''The Great Rock 'N' Roll Quote Book'' [http://womenshistory.about.com/od/quotes/a/madonna_2.htm].

* Every time I do a show, I die a little bit, but no shit is worth doing unless you're willing to die for it.
**[http://www.powerhousebooks.com/madonna_confessions/ From ''Madonna Confessions'' book by Guy Oseary]

* &quot;I pay attention to what’s going on around me. I’m always looking for new energy, new talent, new voices. When you do that I think it’s easier to come up with fresh ideas. It's not that my career has been based on surprising people, but it’s been about challenging myself — to constantly do new things that are going to broaden my own mind and in the process, hopefully, connect with other people.&quot; 
**[http://www.parade.com/celebrity/celebrity-parade/archive/pc_0179.html ''Parade'' magazine 24 June 2008]

* &quot;Family is everything. Family comes first. It's not what I expected it to be, but nothing ever is.&quot; 
**[http://www.familyquotes4u.com/2009/03/family-quotes-page-8.html] 
**(In ''Brilla Mare Ariake'' ads).

* &quot;Now that I got everyone's attention, what do I have to say?&quot; 
**([[w:Behind_the_Music|VH1 Behind The Music]]).

* &quot;I'm not going to compromise my artistic integrity.&quot; 
**(Spoken in her documentary [[w:Truth_or_Dare_(Madonna_documentary)|Truth or Dare]]).

* &quot;I went to New York. I had a dream. I wanted to be a big star. I didn’t know anybody. I wanted to dance. I wanted to sing. I wanted to do all those things. I wanted to make people happy. I wanted to be famous. I wanted everybody to love me. I wanted to be a star. I worked really hard and my dream came true.&quot; 
**(Spoken at the beginning of the [[w:The_Virgin_Tour|Virgin Tour]] concert video).

*I have a cage&lt;br/&gt;It's called the stage&lt;br/&gt;When I'm let out&lt;br/&gt;I run about&lt;br/&gt;And sing and dance and sweat and yell&lt;br/&gt;I have so many tales to tell&lt;br/&gt;I like to push things to the edge&lt;br/&gt;And inch my way along the ledge&lt;br/&gt;I feel like God, I feel like shit&lt;br/&gt; The paradox, an even split&lt;br/&gt;It's just a job, I always say&lt;br/&gt;I should be grateful everyday&lt;br/&gt;Sometimes I think I just can't do it&lt;br/&gt;But I persist and I get through it&lt;br/&gt;And I console myself each night&lt;br/&gt;At least my cage is filled with light.
** Short poem from ''[[w:I'm_Going_to_Tell_You_a_Secret|I'm Going to Tell You a Secret]]''.

* I haven't got much time to waste&lt;br/&gt;It's time to make my way&lt;br/&gt;I'm not afraid of what I'll face&lt;br/&gt;But I'm afraid to stay. 
**(Lyrics from [[w:Jump_(Madonna_song)|Jump]]).

* &quot;Poor is the man whose pleasures depend on the permission of another.&quot; 
**(Lyrics from [[w:Justify My Love|Justify My Love]]).

* &quot;Most priests are gay.&quot; 
**(Said in ''[[w:I'm Going to Tell You a Secret|I'm Going to Tell You a Secret]]'').

* &quot;Come on girls! Do you believe in love? Cause I got something to say about it.&quot; 
**(Lyric From [[w:Express Yourself (Madonna song)|Express Yourself]]).

* &quot;I was sacked from Dunkin' Donuts for squirting the donuts jelly all over the customers.&quot;
** [http://www.careerbuilder.com/Article/CB-1074-Changing-Jobs-Before-They-Made-It-Big/?ArticleID=1074&amp;cbRecursionCnt=1&amp;cbsid=2cff0592cadd497eb4f83b543bacdaca-290878106-RC-4&amp;ns_siteid=ns_xx_g_I_was_sacked_from_Dun_]
** About working in Dunkin' Donuts in New York before becoming famous.

* &quot;Rejection is the greatest aphrodisiac.&quot; 
**(Lyric from &quot;Forbidden Love&quot;, [[w:Bedtime Stories (Madonna_album)|Bedtime Stories]]).

* &quot;The cross is a very powerful symbol and it symbolizes suffering, but it also is connected to a person who was loving and sharing and his message was about unconditional love. I tried to take a powerful image and use it to draw attention to a situation that needs attention. For me, we all need to be Jesus in our time. Jesus' message was to love your neighbor as yourself and these are people in need.&quot; 
**[http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/showbiz/2007-02/17/content_811558.htm Explaining the controversial crucifixion scene in her Confessions tour]

* &quot;I fear the future I wish for my children is at risk, so I'm taking action. Please join me. Our greatest risk is not terrorism, and it's not Iraq or the &quot;Axis of Evil&quot;. Our greatest risk is a lack of leadership, a lack of honesty and a complete lack of consciousness. Unfortunately our current government cannot see the big picture. They think too small. They suffer from the “what's in it for me?” syndrome. The simple truth is that the current administration has squandered incredible opportunities to bring the world together, to promote peace in regions that have only known war, to encourage health in places that are ravaged with disease, to make us more secure by living up to our principles at home and abroad. The simple truth is that the policies of our current administration do not reflect what is great about America.&quot; 
**[http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,107771,00.html From Madonna's open letter about the War in Iraq &amp; the Bush administration]

* &quot;It takes a Real man to fill my shoes.&quot; 
**[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9kIqualuElwSaid Said during The VMA's '99, after number of men put a drag show dressed as her]

* &quot;Maybe I'm just a gay man inside a woman's body!&quot; 
**(Talking to Michael Parkinson in November '05 interview).

* &quot;I don't care if you have a small dick, as long as you know how to use that stick.&quot; 
**(From [[w:The_Girlie_Show_World_Tour|The Girlie Show]]).

* &quot;Hey you! Don't be silly! Put a rubber on your willie!&quot; 
**(Poem written for AIDS P.S.A).

* &quot;No man can have sex with anyone but me and since I don't have that kind of time on my hands, you might as well all be gay!&quot; 
**(Joked during Johnjay and Rich interview, 11 April '08).

* &quot;I'll flirt with anyone from garbagemen to grandmothers.&quot; 
**[http://www.thequotegenerator.com/chat/page/quote-generator-chat-guidelines]

* &quot;If you don't like my attitude, then you can fuck off, just go to Texas and suck George Bush's dick!&quot; 
**(Singing 'I Love New York' at Coachella Festival 2006).

* &quot;When I came to New York it was the first time I'd ever taken a plane, the first time I'd ever gotten a taxi-cab, the first time for everything. And I came here with 35 dollars in my pocket. It was the bravest thing I'd ever done.&quot; 
**[https://www.beautyelife.net/madonna-age-children-life-biography/].

* &quot;For me, a male image that I'm really moved by is somewhere between of Oscar Wilde type of a male: the fop, the long hair, the suits, too witty for his own good, incredibly smart, scathingly funny - all that. But then my other ideal is more like the Buddhist monk - the shaved head, actually someone who sublimates their sexuality.&quot; 
**[http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-interviews-articles/aperture-magazine-summer-1999 ''Aperture'' Magazine 1999]

* &quot;I am attracted to a thug. I like that quality, but I like the other side of it, too. Because all guys who go around behaving in macho ways are really scared little girls. So you have to look beneath the surface. There's a difference between my ideal man and a man that I'm sexually attracted to, believe me. Therein lies the rub.&quot; 
**[http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-interviews-articles/aperture-magazine-summer-1999 ''Aperture'' Magazine 1999]

* &quot;Hollywood is about playing the game, and I can't think of any successful actresses who didn't play the game. there's a lot more renegades in the music business, from Patti Smith to Janis Joplin.&quot; 
**[http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-interviews-articles/aperture-magazine-summer-1999 ''Aperture'' Magazine 1999]

* &quot;David Bowie has a huge influence on me because his was his first concert I went to see. I remember watching him and thinking I didn't know what sex he was, and it didn't matter. Because one minute he was wearing body stockings - the whole Ziggy Stardust thing - and the next minute he was the Thin White Duke in white double-breasted suits, and there's something so androgynous about him. And I think androgyny, whether it's David Bowie or Helmut Berger, that has really really influenced my work more than anything.&quot; 
**[http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-interviews-articles/aperture-magazine-summer-1999 ''Aperture'' Magazine 1999]

* &quot;I am my own experiment. I am my own work of art.&quot; 
**[http://www.girlscantwhat.com/2007/10/15/i-am-my-own-experiment/]

* &quot;When I got my first paycheck, $5'000 or something. I bought a Leger and I bought a Frida Kahlo self-portrait, but I don't know which came first. But I remember buying it and I had just gotten married and it looked completely out of place in my house in Malibu.&quot; (When asked what was the first painting she bought). 
**[http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-interviews-articles/aperture-magazine-summer-1999 ''Aperture'' Magazine 1999]

* &quot;I've always been kind of obsessed with Frida Kahlo, so I was really into the idea of getting something that belonged to her. And then from Frida Kahlo I found out about Tina Modotti and then I started collecting her stuff and Edward Weston, and one person always leads to another person with me, because for me it started with Diego Rivera, then it went to Frida Kahlo, then it went to Tina, and Edward and... Also, if you're into Picasso, and you want to find out about him and that whole area of art and European culture, then you start reading about Man Ray and the surrealists and Andre Breton, and all of a sudden you're in that whole world and you start having interests in other people. It's like a disease.&quot; 
**[http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-interviews-articles/aperture-magazine-summer-1999 ''Aperture'' Magazine 1999]

* &quot;What else is there for me to conquer? Hopefully my ego. How will I know when I've succeeded? When I stop caring what anyone thinks.&quot;  
**[http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-interviews-articles/q-magazine-may-2008 ''Q'' Magazine May 2008]

* &quot;When in doubt act like god&quot;. 
**[http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/2004/oct/31/usa.religion ABC 20/20 interview 2004]

* &quot;One must dare to show what he wants. You have to go and ask for things rather than wait for them to happen.&quot; 
**(Crillon Hotel, Paris, November 1998).

* &quot;I'd like to think I am taking people on a journey; I am not just entertaining people, but giving them something to think about when they leave.&quot; 
**[http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/showbiz/2007-02/17/content_811558.htm].

* &quot;One set of circumstances does not complete you. Maybe nothing ever does. So you work on your life and you work on your 'work' and you try to live every single day like it's your last. And you try to be better, to yourself and to others. I don't always succeed. But I try and it's my goal.&quot; 
**[http://www.wowowow.com/entertainment/liz-smith-living-legend-madonna-398128?page=0%2C0]

* &quot;I stand for freedom of expression, doing what you believe in, and going after your dreams.&quot; 
**[http://www.studyworld.com/newsite/Quotes/QuoteByTopic.asp?i=Dream]

* I'm everything!
**[http://madonnascrapbook.blogspot.com/2009/10/im-everything-entertainment-news-report.html].

* Italians do it Better 
** [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R5nE1J0lKpY]
** (From the famous T-shirt she wears in the video [[w:Papa Don't Preach|Papa Don't Preach]] at the minute 1:10.)

* Life's too short to be bitter, I'm too short to be bitter.
**[http://www.last.fm/user/helena_wanje].

* Beauty is where you find it.
**(Lyrics from [[w:Vogue_(song)|Vogue]]).

* Absolutely no regrets.
**(Lyrics from [[w:Human Nature (Madonna_song)|Human Nature]]).

=== On The Late Show with David Letterman (1994) ===
:&lt;small&gt;[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cRSP5ZUmxP8= The show online]&lt;/small&gt;

* Madonna: &quot;Is that a rug?&quot; ''(referring to David Letterman's hair)''.

* Letterman: ''(after the singer brands him a &quot;sick fuck&quot;)'' &quot;You realize this is being broadcast don't you?&quot;

* Madonna: &quot;Listen, all you do is talk about my sex life on your show, so now you don't want to talk about my sex life when I'm on your show?!&quot;

* Letterman: &quot;I want to thank you folks for coming out for this run-through show. Thank you very much. This, of course, will never see the light of day. You won't miss a thing tonight.&quot;

* Letterman: &quot;Oh, stop it! Will you stop? Ladies and gentlemen, turn down your volume. Turn down the volume immediately! She can't be stopped! There's something wrong with her!&quot;

* Madonna: &quot;I am a sick fuck I have my nose in everybody's sex life!&quot;

=== From [[w:Sex (book)|Sex]] book ===

* &quot;Straight men need to be emasculated. I'm sorry. They all need to be slapped around. Women have been kept down for too long. Every straight guy should have a man's tongue in his mouth at least once.&quot;

* &quot;Then there are guys who say 'I have never fantasized about being with a man.' They are lying. And the least offensive men I've been with in terms of their sexual politics and how they view me as a woman, have been men who have either slept with men, or at least kissed or held a man once. It opens up your thinking. You don't think that women are less-than you are.&quot;

* &quot;My pussy has nine lives.&quot;

* &quot;A lot of people are afraid to say what they want. That's why they don't get what they want.&quot;

* &quot;I think I have a dick in my brain. I don't need to have one between my legs.&quot;

== Quotations about Madonna ==
{{cleanup|2009-08-18}}

===Family===
* '''[[w:Christopher Ciccone|Christopher Ciccone]]''':
** &quot;I was born my mother's son, but I will die my sister's brother. I no longer balk at the truth, because when all is said and done and written, I am truly proud that Madonna is my sister and always will be.&quot; [http://madgenetwork.blogspot.com/2008/07/life-with-my-sister-madonna-intro.html]
** &quot;It was fucking endless. Every time we went to his goddamn house in Malibu, from the moment we arrived until the moment we left: 'Marry me, just marry me.' And she [Madonna] was like, 'Hahaha.' He was endless.&quot; (on David Geffen constantly asking Madonna to marry him) [http://www.vanityfair.com/culture/features/2008/07/wayne_ciccone200807?currentPage=2]

* '''[[w:Guy Ritchie|Guy Ritchie]]''':
** &quot;Funnily enough, we took out the bits that my wife recommended we take out the first time she saw it.&quot; (About his film, ''Revolver'') [http://www.beautyandthedirt.com/show.asp?ID=2434]
** &quot;It works because, first, I love her. That helps in a marriage. I actually like her, which is even more rare in a marriage.&quot; (About being married to Madonna) [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;new_topic=8]
** ''Interviewer'': &quot;who’s in charge at home?&quot;&lt;br/&gt;''Guy Ritchie'': &quot;I’ve got to tell you, we’re just like any other married couple.&quot;&lt;br/&gt;''Interviewer'': &quot;So she’s in charge?&quot;&lt;br/&gt;''Guy Ritchie'': &quot;Yes!&quot; [http://www.reuters.com/article/peopleNews/idUSLAU66309020071206]
** &quot;She is brilliant and brilliant at what she does.&quot; [http://www.newsoftheworld.co.uk/showbiz/rav/article19677.ece]
** &quot;She's a manifester, if there ever was one. First-rate manifester. Madonna makes things happen. Put Madonna up against any twenty-three-year-old, she'll outwork them, outdance them, outperform them. The woman is broad.&quot; [http://www.esquire.com/features/guy-ritchie-interview-1109-3#ixzz0UbMeBVMe].

* '''[[w:Joe Henry|Joe Henry]]''': &quot;I've known her since I was 15 and she was 17, longer than I've known my wife. We have had a great relationship, and part of that was because I never needed anything from her. I recognised that we were in two different occupations. Not to disparage one ounce of her musicality, I was always of the belief that her persona was her career. Whether she was making a movie or writing a song or punching a photographer, it was all pushing a persona forward, and that was the real body of work. I was never tempted to slip a song to her at thanksgiving.&quot; [http://www.madonnatribe.com/news/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=1124]

* '''[[Sean Penn]]''':
** &quot;She was in the process of becoming the biggest star in the world. I just wanted to make my films and hide. I was an angry young man. I had a lot of demons and don't really know who could have lived with me at the time. I was just as badly behaved as her, so I can't point the finger of blame.&quot; [http://www.allmovieportal.com/c/seanpenn.html]
** &quot;She was a phenomenon, but nothing could have told anybody what would happen next. I describe that marriage as loud. That's how I remember it. I don't recall having a single conversation in four years of marriage. I've talked to her a few times since, and there's a whole person there. I just didn't know it. I was just living in my own head. Who was it that said: 'Men are vain, particularly young men'? That was me, and I liked to drink a lot. [http://breakingnews.iol.ie/entertainment/?jp=mhmhojsnkfcw]
** &quot;[She's] very real, very sensitive.&quot; [http://showbiz.sky.com/Sean-Glad-I-Ditched-Madge]
** &quot;Nothing that I could possibly some up with is as important as her. No whale, no nuclear war, no starving nation is more important, either.&quot; [http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_38T64sfKt3Y/Smo6ku3b8iI/AAAAAAAAGI4/vBPrisYisSY/s1600-h/us_loose_talk_Scan10102.jpg]

===Music Industry===
* '''[[w:William Orbit|William Orbit]]''': &quot;You know, she hasn't shouted about her musical abilities, but she is the consummate songwriter. She listens to classic musicals a lot. Not just the obvious ones, like ''[[Singin' in the Rain]]'', but the lesser ones. I remember one time we all had dinner in Germany, and somebody brought up old musicals, and she was the one who knew all the verses. And she writes really solid, melodic stuff like that.&quot;[https://www.rollingstone.com/music/music-news/madonna-cant-stop-the-music-164212/]

* '''[[w:Sting|Sting]]''': &quot;She's outrageous, she's provocative, she's inscrutable. And over the years, we've all been witnessed to her evolution, from street smart kid sister to virgin bride, from sex goddess to a yogi. Her mind is as celebrated as her body, she's as feared as she's desired, she leads while others follow... A woman who is all woman, and all women.&quot; [http://wherethereswil.blogspot.com/2007/12/music-makes-people-come-together.html].

* '''[[Janet Jackson]]''': &quot;I think she's done wonderful things. She's done great things in her career, in her life, and more power to her.&quot;[http://www.janet-love.com/2008/02/29/janet-speaks-to-hx-magazine/ HX magazine March 2008]

* '''[[w:Mary J. Blige|Mary J. Blige]]''': &quot;I don't think the music business, as far as females, would be anything without Madonna.&quot; [http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x6gk0r_gwyneth-paltrow-and-george-clooney_news] 

* '''[[Tupac Shakur]]''': &quot;I was letting people dictate who should be my friends. I felt like because I was this big Black Panther type of nigga, I couldn't be friends with Madonna. And so I dissed her, even though she showed me nothing but love. I felt bad, because when I went to jail, I called her and she was the only person that was willing to help me.&quot; [http://www.thugz-network.com/Tupac~Shakur~Interview~Ready~To~Live.php]

* '''[[Marilyn Manson]]''': &quot;I watched a screening of her [Madonna's] film and I was sitting right next to her, which to me was exciting still. I’m not jaded enough to not be excited by that.&quot; [http://www.mansonusa.com/celebritarian/?page=2]

* '''[[w:Sinéad O'Connor|Sinéad O'Connor]]''': &quot;I love her, I adore her and I respect her. I pity her for all the analysis she has to put up with.&quot; [http://madonnajam.iespana.es/said.html?0&amp;weborama=-1#sinnead]

* '''[[Cyndi Lauper]]''':
** &quot;What's your issue? You know how many old geezers do you see with young women. What's the double standard? Who cares? You know, they're both adults. Who cares? What's good for the goose is good for the gander.&quot; (When asked about what she thinks about Madonna dating younger man). [http://nymag.com/daily/intel/2009/02/cyndi_lauper_applauds_madonnas.html]
** &quot;It's so inspiring to see her work and she's got some spunk.&quot; [http://itn.co.uk/news/b8851c0f0e02b4adc6f0321ff907fa30.html]
** &quot;We’re both admirers of each others work.&quot; [http://popdirt.com/cyndi-lauper-and-madonna-to-team-up-this-year/47051/]

* '''[[w:Mirwais|Mirwais]]''': &quot;Once I collaborated with the Queen Bee, whoever came after her seemed a little boring to me! Many came to ask me to produce tracks, from Depeche Mode to [[Jennifer Lopez]], but I said no to all of them!&quot; [http://www.absolumentmadonna.fr/artworks/20090529-BREVES02en.png]

* '''DJ Enferno''': &quot;She has so much knowledge– she’s been in the business for so long, she’s got so many good ideas, and she’s really witty, that was one surprising thing that I found out about her. She’s really sharp and she’ll kind of bust your chops a little bit.&quot; [http://www.myfoxdc.com/dpp/news/virginia/052209_local_dj_spins_on_madonnas_tour]

* '''[[w:Seymour Stein|Seymour Stein]]''': &quot;I was in the hospital, I had her come see me in the hospital, we talked a deal in the hospital and we did the deal in the hospital. Within days, even before I got out of the hospital, she was starting to record what became her first single, Everybody, and we were off and running. I saw her staunch determination and I knew she would work as hard as I did and much harder, in fact. And that's what you need in an artist. She worked harder than anybody. I just saw her perform in Berlin, and she still works harder than anybody.&quot; [http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/7661105.stm].

* '''[[w:Shakira|Shakira]]''': &quot;I admire Madonna because she always did whatever she felt like doing. She went through some controversial periods when people rejected her, but she kept on reinventing herself.&quot; [http://www.tv.com/shakira/person/86809/biography.html].

* '''[[w:Lenny Kravitz|Lenny Kravitz]]''': &quot;She's a genius, she can do no wrong.&quot; ''[[w:Behind the Music|VH1 Behind The Music]]''.

* '''[[w:Daddy G.|Daddy G.]]''': &quot;Working with Madonna is something to tell to your grandsons.&quot; [http://madonnajam.iespana.es/said.html?0&amp;weborama=-1#daddy]

* '''[[w:DJ Gordon Edge|DJ Gordon Edge]]''': &quot;She is very natural. I did not get to know her as a person but she is down-to-earth and straightforward. She just speaks her mind.&quot; [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=19352]

* '''[[w:Donna Summer|Donna Summer]]''': &quot;I was sitting around thinking I should do something. I was thinking about design school. A friend said, 'Are you out of your mind? Do an album.' But I like privacy and I like my space. I like being with my family. You have to be in the right frame of mind. You can't be like 'Don't touch me.' to your fans or saying 'I don't want to sign autographs.' I think I was exhausted for a lot of years. I have to take my hat off to people like Madonna. They keep doing it.&quot; [http://blogs.sun-sentinel.com/features_fashion/2009/05/donna-summer-disco-crayons-pop-concert-stamp-your-feet.html].

* '''[[Ayumi Hamasaki]]''': &quot;I really like Madonna. What I admire is she's made it on her own terms.&quot; [http://web.archive.org/web/20020403141617/http://www.time.com/time/asia/features/ayumi_hamasaki/int_ayumi2.html].

* '''[[Björk]]''':
** &quot;Just the fact that she made it look good to control your own life when that was something that was not supposed to be very sexy for a woman. She's one of the few women who has remained true to herself and been a character.&quot; [http://violet.abc.se/~m8996/bjork/interviw/rs-no695.html]
** &quot;I really respect Madonna and I think she's quiet attractive a person, but, although it's not her fault, it does exist a world that surrounds her and spoils everything. It's not her, it's the media and all of this. I received an offer to write a lyric and a melody for her, and I felt quite honored.&quot; [http://madonnajam.iespana.es/said.html?0&amp;weborama=-1#bjork]

* '''[[w:Beyoncé|Beyoncé]]''': &quot;I love Madonna. I do! Definitely. It all works for Madonna. I mean, I couldn’t do a lot of the things she does, but it works for her. I watched the &quot;Human Nature&quot; music video for the &quot;Check On It&quot; video even though it didn't come out anything like it. I wanted to do something like that but we didn't have time to do it because it was just a 12-hour shoot.&quot; [http://www.me-me-me.tv/2007/05/25/beyonce-exclusive-other-ways-madonna-has-inspired-me/]

* '''[[Rihanna]]''':
** &quot;I want to be the black Madonna.&quot; [http://www.entertainmenthit.com/madonna/rihanna_wants_to_be_madonna.html]
** &quot;When I did that Metallic stuff for my &quot;Umbrella&quot; video, I didn't do it to show my body. I didn't do it for people to like me. I did it because it was a cool visual, unexpected and I looked hot. I just find myself leaning towards stuff that only Madonna can pull off.&quot; [http://whimsycrusader.blogspot.com/2007/07/dear-paper-magazine.html].

* '''[[w:Sean Combs|Sean Combs]]''': &quot;I'd like to do something with Madonna in Malawi. I see what she does and I think it's fantastic. I'd like to help in any way I can.&quot; [http://www.hollyscoop.com/p-diddy/pdiddy-wants-to-join-madonnas-malawi-campaign_16235.aspx]

* '''[[w:Ricky Martin|Ricky Martin]]''': &quot;I know Madonna as a mother, and she’s exemplary, the love she gives her kids is a dream, and I know that her heart is big enough to adopt not just one child but to adopt 20.&quot; [http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/10/25/AR2006102501003.html].

* '''[[Bono]]''': &quot;Madonna should be applauded for helping to take a child out of the worst poverty imaginable and giving him a better chance in life. Baby David is lucky to have been adopted by someone who can give him a chance of survival in this world and I don't think it's fair that people are criticizing her.&quot; [http://www.nme.com/news/madonna/25047]

* '''[[w:Melanie Brown|Melanie Brown]]''': &quot;It's easy for critics to knock celebrities who choose to adopt, but it's a good thing that Madonna's doing. Not only is she highlighting the plight of orphans in Africa, she's also giving this little girl the chance of a better life.&quot; [http://news.superiorpics.com/2009/04/12/BROWN_BACKS_MADONNA_ADOPTION_BID.html].

* '''[[Britney Spears]]''': [http://womenshistory.about.com/od/quotes/a/madonna_5.htm]
** &quot;I performed at Mom and Dad's party when I was four. Oh my gosh, I was singing a Madonna song and I peed myself.&quot;
** &quot;I would really, really, really like to be a legend like Madonna. Madonna knows what to do next, and when she's performing, the audience is just in awe of her.&quot;
** &quot;I really love 'Like a Prayer' because it was the first one I learned every word to.&quot; (2008).

* '''[[Jon Bon Jovi]]''': &quot;Madonna has been incredibly important to the 1980s, musically... a little disco queen who... became an icon.&quot; (1990).

* '''[[Alice Cooper]]''': &quot;Look at Madonna; she did all the outrageous stuff, but she could sing. She was a great performer! If she got up there and she couldn't sing a lick, I'd go, 'Ok, this is a sideshow.' But, she can really sing.&quot; [http://www.noisecreep.com/2010/01/29/alice-cooper-loves-lady-gaga-and-madonna/]

* '''[[w:The Androids|The Androids]]''':
** '' &quot;I'd rather do it with Madonna&lt;br/&gt;She's what a woman's supposed to be&lt;br/&gt;Oh Madonna won't you do it with me?&lt;br/&gt;The only girl I'll ever need&lt;br/&gt;She's really got me on my knees&lt;br/&gt;Have you seen that film clip where she's wearing the cowboy hat and she's kicking the dirt.&quot; '' (from the song &quot;I'd Rather Do it with Madonna&quot;) [http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/androids/doitwithmadonna.html].

* '''[[Robbie Williams]]''':
** &quot;I just want to say how much I enjoyed Madonna's performance. She is an absolute professional and she makes us all look like amateurs.&quot;
** &quot;Madonna is the ultimate in our day and age of the grass being greenest. Guy Ritchie is a lucky man. I do happen to fancy Madonna. She rehearses her arse off. Goes to the gym every day. She does all that stuff to get it spot-on and then she delivers. I'm in awe of her drive.&quot; [http://www.glamourmagazine.co.uk/daily-gossip/default.aspx?id=34877]

* '''[[Darren Hayes]]''':
** &quot;I’m fascinated by Madonna of all the famous people I have ever been introduced to, she was the only person who had that thing you imagine that Elvis or Marilyn Monroe had where you walk into a room and all the oxygen disappears in their direction.&quot; [http://www.pluggedinonline.com/read/read/a0004062.cfm]
** &quot;You know what? Everyone always talks about her image or her personality or her political stance. But for me it’s actually the voice and the songs. I think she is totally underrated as a vocalist and as a songwriter. She deserves so much more credit for her melodic sense and her emotive voice. I don’t know why people haven’t joined the dots yet but you can pretty much put her in a room with anyone and she’ll come up with the goods. That’s a producer right there. That’s a talent.&quot; [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=18619]
* &quot;What impressed me most? Her stamina, dedication and perfection. Her precision and respect for her body and the craft. What an icon! What a role model for women! I bow down to the one I truly serve!!&quot; [http://www.darrenhayes.com/dh/index.php?option=com_content&amp;task=view&amp;id=577&amp;Itemid=47]

* '''[[Justin Timberlake]]''':
** &quot;Her work ethic is very infectious in the studio. I was kind like, man, I'm too slow. She's a workhorse. I'm just a fan. I'm basically just a fan who, like, tricked Madonna.&quot;[http://www.madonnatribe.com/news/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=555]
** &quot;She's a very talented lady, There are definitely moments when I think, wow, I'm singing with Madonna. But she's so cool. She's very clever, very innovative. I was humbled working with her. She's fun to work with and she takes advice. Plus she has an amazing mind.&quot; [https://archive.is/20121230155638/www.news.com.au/heraldsun/story/0,21985,22209835-5006024,00.html]
** &quot;There’s only one Madonna. It was amazing. I’m still trying to figure out if she knew we were there, cause I was just constantly staring at her. I became like the weird stalker in the corner!&quot; [http://perezhilton.com/?p=4280#respond]
** &quot;As we were rehearsing she was running circles around me.&quot; [http://www.etonline.com/news/2008/11/67472/index.html]
** &quot;The world is full of Madonna wannabes. I might have even dated a couple. But there truly is only one Madonna. Though I’m pretty sure Little Richard would disagree, the truth is that nobody has ever gotten into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame while still looking this damn fine.&quot; [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=enA4OUzR2XM]
** &quot;People always ask if she is the control freak people say she is. Hell yeah! We had a recording session in London and I wasn't feeling well. She said: 'Would you like a B12 shot?' She reached into her handbag, pulled a zip-lock bag of B12 syringes and says: 'Drop 'em.' I don't know what you say to that, so I dropped my pants. She gave me the shot in my ass and then she looks at me and she says, 'Nice top shelf.' It was one of the greatest days of my life. That is what Madonna will always be to us. The shot in the ass when we really need it.&quot; [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hiTwqjefrUw]

* '''[[George Michael]]''':
** &quot;Madonna has made it difficult for the rest of us but even if I gave myself another five years I'd never be able to fit into that bloody leotard!&quot; [http://www.startrip.tv/george_michael/index.html]
** &quot;In many respects, she's the perfect pop artist.&quot; [http://books.google.co.il/books?id=Cjea8TsM0hkC&amp;pg=PA94&amp;lpg=PA94&amp;dq=%22she%27s+the+perfect+pop+artist%22&amp;source=web&amp;ots=L055seRr75&amp;sig=tNidX_r1B9xEPHiqeQX8bgp0XFQ&amp;hl=iw&amp;sa=X&amp;oi=book_result&amp;resnum=2&amp;ct=result#PPA95,M1]

* '''[[w:Liz Phair|Liz Phair]]''': &quot;Madonna is the speedboat, and the rest of us are just the Go-Go's on water skis.&quot; [http://web.archive.org/19990204000533/www.geocities.com/sunsetstrip/Club/2471/lizpeers.html].

* '''[[Cher]]''': &quot;She could afford to be a little more magnanimous and a little less of a cunt.&quot; [http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/2005/nov/20/popandrock.madonna]

* '''[[w:Kylie Minogue|Kylie Minogue]]''': &quot;Madonna's the Queen of Pop, I'm the princess. I'm quite happy with that.&quot; [http://www.topix.net/forum/who/madonna/T5650KQUJTGES0EI1]

* '''[[Timbaland]]''': &quot;Madonna's a funky lady, she's up for everything.&quot; [http://www.mirror.co.uk/showbiz/3am/tm_method=full%26objectid=18897798%26siteid=89520-name_page.html].

* '''[[w:Christophe Willem|Christophe Willem]]''': &quot;In music, the one who has reached the tops, it's Madonna.&quot; [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=17859]

* '''[[w:Damon Gough|Damon Gough]]''':
** &quot;I'd like to work on collaborations with some other artists like Madonna. She would be my first choice.&quot; [http://www.contactmusic.com/news.nsf/article/badly%20drawn%20boy%20desperate%20to%20work%20with%20madonna_1024002]
** &quot;...I think Madonna might be the only person my girlfriend would forgive me for straying away just overnight with -- because I think she'd do the same.&quot; [http://www.rollingstone.com/artists/badlydrawnboy/articles/story/5933746/badly_drawn_blows_off_madonna]

* '''[[w:Sophie Ellis-Bextor|Sophie Ellis-Bextor]]''': [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=17998]
** &quot;She has this ability to have you in the palm of her hand again. I went to see her last year in the Confessions on a Dance Floor and it was brilliant, it was really inspiring.&quot;
** &quot;I think the thing that Madonna does, which I hope I can do, is that she has this ability to come across as quite austere at the beginning …not cold exactly but a little detached. But at the end of it she looks like she’s having a great time - she’s dancing, and you’re dancing, and it’s all great. I think that’s really clever how she gets that dynamic to work. You always feel at the end of it that you’ve somehow won her over. I don’t know, that’s a real…you know what I mean? Not everyone has that.&quot;

* '''[[w:Susanna Hoffs|Susanna Hoffs]]''': &quot;I think she's really great. I respect and admire her and think she's really talented.&quot; (From the book ''&quot;Madonna talking&quot;'' by Mick St. Michael).

* '''[[w:Eugene Hutz|Eugene Hutz]]''':
** &quot;Madonna is a funny person, respectful and collaborative. I've been aware for a year that Madonna was a Gogol Bordello fan and in the end, we met trough mutual friends and we spoke a lot.&quot;
** &quot;I think she was very good and most of all she was scrupulous, that's something I think it's essential for a director. She knew what she wanted and she gave me total creative freedom, so for me it was an incredible experience.&quot; [http://www.madonnatribe.com/news/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=696]

* '''[[w:Marc Almond|Marc Almond]]''': &quot;It was a hell-hole. There were prostitutes upstairs, junkies downstairs and it was a bare room with a bed, nylon sheets, and a kitchenette with dirty plates and a lamp. I’ve always felt ashamed she stayed in such a pit. If I’d known in 1983 how big she’d become, I'd have cut up the sheets and sold them on ebay.&quot; [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=18182][http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=18210]

* '''[[w:Tom Meighan|Tom Meighan]]''': &quot;Ooh, Madonna’s thighs! She reminds me of my old dance teacher, who I used to have a crush on. Who didn’t have a huge crush on Madonna when they were a kid? &quot;I’d marry her. If she came for me, I really would.&quot; [http://www.pr-inside.com/entertainment-blog/2007/07/09/meighan-marry-me-madonna/]

* '''[[Don McLean]]''': &quot;Madonna is a colossus in the music industry and she is going to be considered an important historical figure as well. She is a fine singer, a fine songwriter and record producer, and she has the power to guarantee success with any song she chooses to record. It is a gift for her to have recorded 'American Pie.'I have heard her version and I think it is sensual and mystical. I also feel that she's chosen autobiographical verses that reflect her career and personal history. I hope it will cause people to ask what's happening to music in America. I have received many gifts from God but this is the first time I have ever received a gift from a goddess.&quot; [http://music.yahoo.com/read/news/12039019]

* '''[[w:Peter Hook|Peter Hook]]''': &quot;Madonna's like a Black Widow spider. She tends to use people, then they shrivel up and disappear. She sat there with her back to us, and Rob went up and said, 'We were wondering if you wanted to appear later at the club', and she just went, 'Fuck off.'&quot; [http://earsucker.com/2009/11/09/peter-hook-calls-madonna-a-black-widow-spider]

* '''[[w:Steve Bray|Steve Bray]]''': &quot;If people feel exploited by Madonna - that's resentment of someone who's got drive. It seems like you're leaving people behind or you're stepping on them, and the fact is you're moving and they're not... Madonna doesn't care if she ruffles someone's feathers.&quot; [http://www.topix.net/forum/who/madonna/T5650KQUJTGES0EI1]

* '''[[Pet Shop Boys]]''': &quot;Madonna always looks ahead, both for looks and sounds, just like we do.&quot; [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=18386]

* '''[[w:Fran Healy|Fran Healy]]''': &quot;I had a massive crush on Madonna when I was a kid, I mean it was huge. It was worrying. I just thought she was amazing.&quot; [http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/entertainment/showbiz-news/showbiz-news/2008/10/27/i-used-to-have-crush-on-madonna-admits-travis-star-fran-healy-86908-20844000/]

* '''[[Dave Grohl]]''': &quot;...It could be Madonna, if she wants to come do a couple of shots of Jagermeister with her friend Dave she's more than welcome to come into the room and I'll pour her some chilli shots of whisky, it'll be great!&quot; [http://www.contactmusic.com/news.nsf/article/grohl%20wants%20to%20party%20with%20madonna_1029232]

* '''[[w:Kim Gordon|Kim Gordon]]''': &quot;She's strong, beautiful and a manipulator. Qualities which makes her to write great songs.&quot; [http://madonnajam.iespana.es/said.html?0&amp;weborama=-1#sonic]

* '''[[w:Stephen Malkmus|Stephen Malkmus]]''': &quot;She doesn't seem to run out of ideas, does she. I used to love her when I was 14 or so. I had a regular crush on her. I couldn't swear if it was her music that fascinated me, or the generous cleavage. But yeah, she was hot.&quot; [http://www.nyrock.com/interviews/pavement_int.htm].

* '''[[w:Pat Boone|Pat Boone]]''': &quot;[Madonna's] a talented tart.&quot; [http://community.seattletimes.nwsource.com/archive/?date=19901029&amp;slug=1101206]

* '''[[Natasha Bedingfield]]''': &quot;I have so much respect for Madonna after learning how hard it is to sing [&quot;Ray of Light&quot;]. She has an amazing voice - the range you need to sing the song is incredible.&quot; [http://www.madonnatribe.com/news/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=1193]

* '''[[w:Annie Lennox|Annie Lennox]]''': &quot;Lo and behold, Madonna's track came back and she'd sung the second verse, which was a huge bonus. I was really touched - for Madonna is very rigorous in what she gets involved in and for her to do that for me, I was thrilled to bits.&quot; [http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/7027966.stm].

* '''[[w:Ludacris|Ludacris]]''': &quot;Madonna was so low key and so incognito that I hardly noticed her, and when I did it kinda caught me by storm. But honestly speaking, she's a really down to earth, really cool individual. I'm glad I got a chance to meet her – rub some of that energy off!&quot; [http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20223682,00.html?xid=rss-topheadlines]

* '''[[Fergie]]''': &quot;Oh MADONNA! You know, I saw her after her concert and I wanted to give her some positive words but I didn't want to talk too much to her because I understand what it feels like after a show when there's a lot of people in the room who want to see you. I wanted to give her some kind words but I didn't want to take up her time. I really wanted to ask her some more questions but I doubt it would have been as exciting for her as it was for me! But if I ever got the chance to sit down with her I think I'd want to ask her some advice questions and I would love to collaborate with her. That would be amazing.&quot; [http://www.ahlanlive.com/7974-fergie-interview?imgN=0]

* '''[[w:Gwen Stefani|Gwen Stefani]]''':
** &quot;She's been nothing but nice to me. She's invited me to her house for dinner and clearly she's a huge inspiration to me musically.&quot; [http://www.exposay.com/gwen-stefani-says-madonna-invited-her-over-for-dinner/v/6447/]
** &quot;Some people say that I copy her, But show me one girl my age who was not influenced by her.&quot; [http://www.contactmusic.com/new/xmlfeed.nsf/mndwebpages/stefani%20i%20didnt%20copy%20madonna]
** &quot;My grandpa first moved to Detroit from Rome. And my dad's mom's younger sister's husband's mother is a Ciccone [like Madonna].&quot; (Gwen Stefani claiming to be related to Madonna.) [http://www.anecdotage.com/index.php?aid=15727]
** &quot;A lot of my influence came from her early work, like directly, like a Xerox.&quot; [http://fametastic.co.uk/archive/20070111/4100/gwen-stefani-madonna-was-my-influence-but-not-impressed/]

* '''[[w:Donna De Lory|Donna De Lory]]''': [http://www.deanpiper.com/index.php/interviews/donna-de-lory-exclusive-interview]
** &quot;Pat knew our voices were going to be really good together so he asked us to do the bridge together and we started. She turned her back on me and at one point turned around and was like: “Why aren’t you singing?” and I told her I was and Pat then told her that I was singing and that our voices were in harmony. She then said: “Will you sing on all my records then….” And I was just standing there wondering if I had the job. I got it!&quot; (About auditioning for Madonna).
** &quot;I’ve learned so much from working with her – the power aspect about how to use what you have is an amazing thing. I learn more stuff about myself as I go along.&quot;
** &quot;When I first started working with her I just wanted to be like her – I think I misinterpreted a lot of things. The fame. I just tried to be like her and didn’t do things my own way. It was funny looking back on it.&quot;
** &quot;Madonna gave me some great advice about my own career and really helped me to go for what I wanted to do – not what a record company told me. She always said I could do it.&quot;
** &quot;Madonna wants to make people be a better person now. In the old days it was about her and nothing else – just like I was. We were all self centered. You have to be like that and take those steps to be a better person later down the line. To me you have to grow as you work your way through your life – that’s why we are here. It’s amazing that she can come from that sort of place where she started to being a humanitarian like she is now. Coming from just wanting to be famous and be adored by everything to wanting to love everybody. She’s incredible. It’s a complete turnaround. She wanted to be served by everyone and now she’s serving everyone.&quot;

* '''[[w:Mika|Mika]]''': &quot;Believe me, if I got asked to work with her, I certainly wouldn’t turn it down. Of all the women I’m fascinated by, she’s certainly up there.&quot; [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=19552]

* '''[[w:Stuart Price|Stuart Price]]''':
** &quot;Madonna is one of the kindest and most reasonable people you could hope to meet.&quot; [http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/tm_objectid=16660933&amp;method=full&amp;siteid=94762&amp;headline=madonna-exclusive--it-s-a-special-relationship-name_page.html]
** &quot;She's the perfect guest - but she did spill coffee on my white carpet by knocking a mug off a keyboard. I was amazed at just how well, using only a kitchen towel, she could draw the coffee out of the white carpet. The technique she had was to never rub, just to gently pad the carpet with the kitchen towel.&quot; [http://www.popjustice.com/index.php?option=com_content&amp;task=view&amp;id=188&amp;Itemid=9]
* &quot;You don't produce Madonna, you collaborate with her. She's a really good producer herself and obviously a great writer too. I've never worked with anyone before who is as genuine and as hands on as an artist as Madonna is. She's has her vision and knows how to get it. What's interesting with this one is that she's picked a DJ to make dance tunes for her to make songs, which is exactly what she's been doing since 1983 - hanging out with DJ's and making records.&quot; [http://www.popjustice.com/index.php?option=com_content&amp;task=view&amp;id=188&amp;Itemid=9]

* '''[[w:Ciara|Ciara]]''': &quot;She's a tough lady! She's a megastar, and that [media scrutiny] goes with the territory, But she's definitely put her foot down as a woman over the years and she's proven to be one of the best to me.&quot; [http://www.okmagazine.com/posts/view/9884/]

* '''[[w:Ashanti|Ashanti]]''': &quot;Yeah, Madonna is ''ill''. All the clamps and chains people had on what women can and cannot do — she just broke them. And I really wasn’t up on Madonna until my cousin — who’s six years older than me and my favorite relative on the planet; we’re more like sisters — when I was eight or nine I said, ‘Why you got these posters of that white lady all over your room?’ She's like, ‘This is Madonna!’&quot; [http://popdirt.com/ashanti-gives-props-to-that-white-lady-madonna/8600/]

* '''[[w:Pharrell|Pharrell]]''': &quot;She's a little baby tiger cub on the inside but outside she's as tough as anything. Once you are fighting with her you can't let your guard down, she'd beat your ass to a pulp. She could definetely beat me up. But you know, making Madonna cry has just cemented our relationship. We're tight now. Seriously tight. She's probably the best person I've ever collaborated with.&quot; (Manchester Free Magazine) [http://www.madonnamad.com/blog/?p=31]

* '''[[w:Danja|Danja]]''': &quot;She was cool. She had a dark sense of humor that I can’t explain. She might just say something crazy that you might feel is out of line. But it’s not. It’s just her sense of humor. She was in the studio chilling with us, being open and the whole nine.&quot; [http://blog.rhapsody.com/2008/02/exclusive-danja.html].

* '''[[w:Eric West|Eric West]]''': &quot;A lot of people make her out to be arrogant, and not fan friendly, but I can say otherwise, for such a superstar, she makes you feel as if you’re talking to an old friend.&quot; [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=5011]

* '''[[w:Adam Lambert|Adam Lambert]]''':
** &quot;I met Madonna and that was pretty wild. Most everybody I've met is pretty cool and on the level, but Madonna is just legendary. I was definitely the most starstruck with her. I've been a fan of hers since I was a kid. So that's definitely part of the intimidation factor. [http://tvwatch.people.com/2009/06/16/adam-lambert-star-struck-by-meeting-madonna/]
** I really want to work with Madonna. It doesn't seem like a likely pairing, maybe, but I just think that she is so creative and has such vision and her career has been so long because she has been able to come up with something new and keep people guessing and push people's buttons. I like that she's [[relevant]], she's always the next thing, she's always introducing us to the next wave of pop. I just think it would be an honor to work with her.&quot; [http://www.starpulse.com/news/index.php/2009/06/16/adam_lambert_talks_gay_celebrity_crushes]
** &quot;[Madonna] was incredible. I was a bit intimidated, but she was very, very warm. She gave me some advice on how to deal with the fame and the craziness. She said, 'You know, just keep your eye on the prize. Remember what it is that you want to accomplish. And try to ignore all the other crap'.&quot; [http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/index.jsp?author=lindsay+miller]
** &quot;...Some people freak out. And I'm like, why are you freaking out? I don't get that mentality. I've never felt like that about a celebrity before — except maybe Madonna. When I met Madonna my heart was racing. That's my one experience being star-struck. And I told her, 'I'm freaking out.' And she said, 'Why?' And I said, 'Because you're fucking Madonna.'&quot; [http://justjared.buzznet.com/2009/11/16/adam-lambert-wanda-sykes-out-100-cover-stars]

* '''[[w:Tracy Chapman|Tracy Chapman]]''': &quot;I was trying to make a case for Madonna the other day, saying that she's to be admired for her longevity in a genre that has mostly been for younger acts. Men are able to sustain a career into their 50s and 60s and still present themselves as sex symbols. With women on the other hand, people say, 'Why doesn't she retire?' It's just so unfair. So I have to give props to Madonna.&quot; [http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2008/oct/31/tracy-chapman-women-pop-usa]

* '''[[w:Randy Jackson|Randy Jackson]]''': &quot;Madonna knows the business and her art better than anyone.&quot; [http://www.parade.com/articles/editions/2008/edition_01-06-2008/In_Step_With...Randy_Jackson]

* '''[[Kim Wilde]]''': &quot;I had the top of the charts two years before Madonna came on the scene and stole my thunder. I remember seeing her and thinking, 'Here's trouble'! I'd be lying if I said it didn't get to me, but I never disliked her. And I look at her now and think she's amazing. When I started doing yoga, I was inspired to look after my body. Now I love going for long walks, eating healthily and working out with a trainer.&quot; [http://www.contactmusic.com/news.nsf/article/wilde%20madonna%20stole%20my%20crown_1067173]

* '''[[w:Belinda Carlisle|Belinda Carlisle]]''':
** &quot;I see her at gym quite often. We talk about which aerobics teachers are best. I think I have hyper-gymnasium but she works out much more than I do.&quot; [http://members.tripod.com/planeta_madonna/pagina_nueva_3.htm]
** &quot;I struggled with jealousy when Madonna released her great song 'Papa Don't Preach.' From her True Blue album, it was an instant hit that took radio by storm and soared to number one. But my problem was with Madonna herself, not the music. I looked at her body and thought, 'Oh my God, she looks phenomenal and it's because she's skinnier than me. I have to get that skinny.&quot; [http://boyculture.typepad.com/boy_culture/2010/05/belinda.html|''Lips Unsealed'']

* '''[[w:Robyn|Robyn]]''':
** &quot;Having been a fan of Madonna since I was a little girl, I'm very excited about sharing a stage with her and playing to her audiences…I'm thrilled.&quot; [http://zxlcreative.blogs.com/electroqueer/2008/06/robyn-to-suppor.html]
** &quot;I got a chance to go on tour with Madonna in Europe and like any one who's been a fan of her since the age of ten I was super exited. When I met her at the end of the tour she was really cool and natural. I got a chance to thank her for putting me on and she even told me she was a fan! It was a very special moment I will never forget. She's an icon and a pioneer, but only Madonna can be Madonna. It would be sad to try to copy her model. Times are different nowadays as well. Even if I tried, it would be hard to build what she has achieved in the climate of the music industry today. I learned that next to the president of the United States of America, Madonna must be the most famous person on earth whose every little move is watched by millions and a complete security state is surrounding her! Watching her on stage during the tour I could tell that she was really enjoying herself. She is probably doing exactly what she wants to do and that´s why she is so inspiring. I want to be like that as well, I want to be myself.&quot; (About the experience of being on tour with Madonna on her ''Sticky and sweet'' tour) [http://perezhilton.com/2008-10-11-a-few-words-from-robynon-madonna#respond]

* '''[[Simon Cowell]]''':
** &quot;If you look into Madonna's eyes - or Whitney Houston's when she was at her peak - you see something there that other people haven't got. It's a steel, a sense of 'I am going to do it, whatever happens'. It's not necessarily a good character trait to have, but if you are going to make it in this business, you need it.&quot; [http://www.madonnatribe.com/news/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=1370]

* '''[[w:Katy Perry|Katy Perry]]''':
** &quot;Of course I'd have Madonna's. She is the ultimate in female pop music, and she's like the Energizer bunny. Plus, she's got years on me and she looks my age still. She must have sacrificed something or sold her soul in exchange for continuing to be a world dominator in all things pop culture.&quot; (When asked if she could have any musician's career other than her own, whose would it be.) [http://www.popeater.com/2008/06/26/about-to-pop-katy-perry/]
** &quot;It was insane. I freaked out. My eyes swelled up with fluid, with tears, but I didn't cry. I was just very excited.&quot; (About when she heard that Madonna is a fan of her track 'Ur So Gay') [http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/music/a119416/katy-perry-wants-advice-from-madonna.html?imdb]
** &quot;Madonna invited me to one of her shows - I was summoned by the queen herself. I went backstage and I am never usually nervous but I lost it. I got so weak in the knees and I thought I was going to throw up. But I needn't have worried. She was cool. She was so petite. She comes up to my chest and I thought she was supposed to be a giant.&quot; [http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/showbiz/a135432/perry-i-nearly-threw-up-on-madonna.html?imdb]

* '''[[w:Randy Newman|Randy Newman]]''': &quot;I once had dinner with Madonna and I wasn't nervous but within about a minute I found myself talking about underwear.&quot; [http://www.romanization.com/personal/randy/LCRNinterview.html].

* '''[[w:Marina Diamandis|Marina Diamandis]]''':
** &quot;Madonna has always been a great icon for me. I felt I could relate to her. She took about five years to get to the point I'm at. I admire her determination and she challenges people as well, which can change our culture.&quot; [http://www.eveningnews24.co.uk/content/eveningnews24/norwich-whats-on-guide/music/story.aspx?brand=ENOnline&amp;category=GoingOutMusic&amp;tBrand=ENOnline&amp;tCategory=xWhatsOn&amp;itemid=NOED12%20Feb%202010%2011%3A19%3A41%3A803]
** &quot;I read every biography on Madonna. It wasn’t just about getting tips. I felt connected with Madonna from a very young age. I think I share a lot of qualities from her personality. I really respect her.&quot; [http://www.starpulse.com/news/Stephanie_Nolasco/2011/04/14/marina_and_the_diamonds_talks_burger_q]

* '''[[w:Jason Derulo|Jason Derulo]]''':
** &quot;Madonna is the sexiest woman in the world – it’s her confidence and as she gets older she seems to get sexier.&quot; [http://www.mirror.co.uk/celebs/celebs-on-sunday/2010/02/14/who-are-the-sexiest-women-on-the-planet-115875-22033195/]
** &quot;I’d have to say it’s Madonna. She’s done a very good job of reinventing herself time and again. She’s been able to stand the test of time with every record, and she’s a new person every decade. That’s what I aspire to.&quot; (When asked who's the person he looks up to in terms of plotting out your career). [http://derulodaily.com/?p=617]

* '''[[Craig David]]''': &quot;Madonna is still sexy and cool. She’s had such an amazing career and has always been able to re-invent herself time and time again, and it’d be fascinating to chat to her about that over a couple of drinks.&quot; [http://www.mirror.co.uk/celebs/celebs-on-sunday/2010/02/14/who-are-the-sexiest-women-on-the-planet-115875-22033195]

* '''[[Bette Midler]]''': &quot;She has pulled herself up by her own bra-straps... and has been known to let them down occasionally&quot;. [http://skin.bebo.com/Profile.jsp?MemberId=8456631253]

* '''[[Carole King]]''': &quot;I think Madonna has a great deal of intelligence and capability. I have a lot of respect for her. She's taken her career and maximized it with intelligence and creativity.&quot; [http://www.quotesstar.com/quotes/i/i-like-her-boss-and-155186.html].

* '''[[w:Matthew Bellamy|Matthew Bellamy]]''': &quot;Ambition - whenever I hear the word, in my head, all I can think of is Madonna, for some reason. Very ambitious person and a great artist, certainly explores many avenues to get her name out there. I think she’s a very special lady.&quot; [http://allaboutmadonna.com/2009/09/matthew-bellamy-muse-talks-about-madonna.php]

* '''[[w:David Foster|David Foster]]''':
** &quot;Madonna was great to work with because — I never really understood her mystique although I always liked her music. We met in New York, had dinner to discuss the album. And there was something so intoxicating about her. We were just the two of us at dinner and I was looking at her going, ‘Wow, she totally sucks you into her world. It’s like there’s nobody else in the restaurant.’ She had a great work ethic. A lot of artists, they want to be co producers just because they can. She wanted to be a co producer, but she earned it. She really knows her way around a studio. She works hard.&quot; [http://allaboutmadonna.com/2005/05/david-foster-talks-about-madonna.php]
** &quot;Working with Madonna was an amazing experience for me. She is such a professional, always on time, her work ethic is unbelievable. I had a great time with her.&quot; [http://www.popeater.com/2009/10/07/david-foster-on-whitney-madonna-and-finding-the-next-big-thing/]

* '''[[w:Taylor Momsen|Taylor Momsen]]''': [http://www.wwd.com/markets-news/taylor-momsen-talks-madonna-fashion-and-music-3197115?module=today]
** &quot;She's amazing. All her songs are so great. They’re so well crafted and really perfect, pure, pop genius. I'm a big fan of &quot;Papa Don't Preach.&quot; I love that song. But really all of it is fantastic. She was the one who did it all first. She gave people like me an avenue to do what I'm doing. She was the one who started all the controversy to begin with.&quot;
** &quot;She was very down to earth. It was nice to see after all her success, she's still very grounded. It was cool to see her interaction with Lourdes. She's a cool mom. She shot a couple of the photographs herself at the end. She definitely has a vision and was very hands-on. It was really easy working with her. She's very comfortable to be around — very professional but a lot of fun.&quot;

* '''[[M.I.A.]]''':
** &quot;Once I discovered pirate radio, that’s what I grew up on. I was listening to Madonna and Paula Abdul and then I heard Public Enemy and Roxanne Shante. It was like, “Woah, what’s going on?” That really blew my mind. Then hearing Jamaican pirate radio—that was really exciting. Hearing Supercat and Mad Cobra seemed really amazing to me.&quot; [http://www.hyphenmagazine.com/magazine/issue-6-makeover/rebel-girl]
** &quot;Madonna was truly unique.&quot; [http://www.nytimes.com/2010/05/30/magazine/30mia-t.html?pagewanted=9&amp;_r=1]
** &quot;Madonna is the one. Madonna did amazing songs. She had an amazing sense of style, without a stylist. And she was flawed, and sometimes she admitted it. I’ll fight the fight for Madonna. [http://www.nytimes.com/2010/05/30/magazine/30mia-t.html?pagewanted=2&amp;_r=1]
** &quot;Everybody was giving me Madonna records and then everyone was like you should listen to this and try and dress like it and I just never looked like Madonna because I was brown. So I decided to dress like Chuck D instead.&quot; [http://misc.vassar.edu/archives/2008/04/exclusive_inter.html]
** &quot;...The first house we stayed in and I watched 'Top of the Pops' and it was like- woah! It was the first music show that I saw on TV. I saw Madonna, Whitney Houston. It was amazing.&quot; [http://www.desiclub.com/desimusic/desimusic_features/music_article.cfm?id=202]

* '''[[w:Adam Ant|Adam Ant]]''': [http://thequietus.com/articles/04165-adam-ant-interview-oasis-lady-gaga-madonna-punk]
** &quot;There'd be no Gaga without Madonna so let's put it in fucking perspective…&quot;
** &quot;...Madge was doing that when I was doing it, you know? I saw Madonna outside the Music Machine before she even made it. I was doing a gig with the band in like '79. There was this chick outside from New York going 'I'm going to be a star' and it was her! And she's got some fucking balls you know?&quot;
** &quot;She's done as much as Dietrich did for fucking Hollywood stars. She's gone in and said 'Alright. I've been raped. Someone fucking stuck his dick in my gob in a back alley. I got up from that and I went in there and I had a big fight. And I won.' She fucking won, good luck to the woman.&quot;

* '''[[Jessica Simpson]]''': &quot;I think people are ready to hear something that Madonna used to do. We all need to hear that every now and again. It wasn't a sample or something I meant to do, but she did influence me and still does today. I hope to have the longevity of her career.&quot;[http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1537645/20060801/simpson_jessica.jhtml].

* '''Tracy Young''': [http://blogs.miaminewtimes.com/crossfade/2010/12/dj_tracy_young_talks_real_hous.php]
** &quot;It’s hard to pick a favorite. [But] I would have to say Madonna. She is someone I really admire, look up to musically and career-wise. Every choice Madonna has made is mind-blowing to me&quot;. [when asked who's her favorite artist to work with]
** &quot;It was symbolic in some ways. I am in a field where you hear “No” a lot, especially because of my gender. So when Madonna and I started working together, it was like, “Yeah, I did it.” And her wedding was an honor to perform at because I felt like she trusted me [with] one of the biggest days of her life. I was completely honored and, to be honest, really nervous&quot;. [about DJing at Madonna's wedding]

* '''[[w:Christian Thielemann|Christian Thielemann]]''': &quot;I find this woman fascinating. Not just musically... I’d like to get to know Madonna a whole lot better.&quot; [https://archive.is/20130628111312/www.artsjournal.com/slippeddisc/2011/01/heres_the_date_from_hell.html].

* '''[[w:John Benitez|John Benitez]]''': &quot;My first impression on meeting Madonna? I thought she had a lot of style. And she crossed over a lot of boundaries 'cos everyone in the rock clubs played her, the black clubs, the gay, the straight... and very few records have that appeal.&quot; [http://books.google.co.il/books?id=Cjea8TsM0hkC&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;source=gbs_ge_summary_r&amp;cad=0#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false].

* '''[[Kurt Cobain]]''': &quot;In a way I respect Madonna for the things she introduced because she introduced some subversive things and it has nothing to do with sex as far as I'm concern, I'm talking about the introduction to the vogue dance which originated in the gay clubs in 80', and she was always supportive of stuff like that which I think is really cool.&quot; [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dDXp8KiAeDk]

* '''[[Shirley Manson]]''': &quot;I turned round and it's Madonna, and I'm thinking, 'Fucking hell, it's Madonna!' But I say 'hi' and she grabs my hand and she gives me the famous blink and says, 'I think you're amazing' in that tiny voice she has. And I'm thinking, 'OK, try and be cool, this is possibly the biggest pop icon of our life, be cool'. I tried to say something even remotely understandable and instead just garbled my words. I had high heels on and I hardly ever wear high heels, and I lurched towards her, and I could see the alarm on her face, thinking 'who the hell is this?' And I lurched off flustered without even saying goodbye. I always blow my big moments&quot; [http://www.garbage2.com/shirl_madonna.htm].

* '''[[Kelly Osbourne]]''': &quot;I've always been a huge, huge, huge fan of Madonna, but it completely changed my whole opinion of her -- made me like her even more once I met Lola because she's done a fantastic job with her. Madonna is one of my idols and my first single I ever released was a cover of 'Papa Don't Preach.' To have it come full circle -- now I'm actually doing something with her and her daughter -- it's just kind of like... ahhh!&quot;&quot; [http://omg.yahoo.com/news/kelly-osbourne-sings-madonnas-praises-shes-done-a-fantastic-job-raising-lourdes/57083]

* '''[[Lady Gaga]]''':
** &quot;She's the Queen, super theatrical and dramatic on stage, just like Pop Opera. And Madonna...I mean who can really mess with Madonna? Nobody! No, her stage, her videos are always amazing, and her visuals. It's about more than just the music. It's about the passion, it's about the whole package.&quot; [http://madge-tribe.blogspot.com/2008/08/lady-gaga-loves-madonna.html]
** &quot;There is really no one that is a more adoring and loving Madonna fan than me. I am the hugest fan personally and professionally.&quot; [http://omg.yahoo.com/news/lady-gaga-addresses-born-this-way-comparisons-to-madonnas-express-yourself-reveals-madonna-has-approved-of-new-song/56412]
** &quot;Madonna is the queen. I have so much and adoration for her. Being compared to her is unbelievably flattering, but in truth there is no one that can compare with Madonna. She is the queen!&quot;[http://ibnlive.in.com/news/i-cant-wait-to-come-to-india-lady-gaga/143405-45-75.html].

* '''[[w:Paul Oakenfold|Paul Oakenfold]]''': &quot;Madonna was without doubt one of the best artists I have ever worked with. She had so many fantastic ideas and really took her music seriously. You can tell that with Madonna, everything is about the music. She's a global name but still works tirelessly in the studio, puts on her best possible live gigs and puts 100 per cent into everything she does. &quot;She's really grounded too and easy to work with.&quot; [http://entertainment.stv.tv/music/266265-madonna-works-tirelessly-in-the-studio/]

* '''[[w:Brooke Candy|Brooke Candy]]''': &quot;She's so smart, I want to follow in her footsteps.&quot; [http://www.mtv.co.uk/brooke-candy/news/brooke-candy-interview]

* '''[[w:Alison Goldfrapp|Alison Goldfrapp]]''': 
** &quot;I'm always quite starstruck. The first time I met Madonna, I couldn't actually get off the chair to shake her hand. It must have appeared really rude but it was because I was totally gobsmacked that she'd just walked in and made a beeline for me. I don't think I actually managed to get any words out; I just sort of froze and grinned inanely.&quot;
** &quot;I don’t like Madonna’s music, but she’s an amazing pop star,’ she says. ‘She’s brilliant at borrowing other people’s ideas.&quot;

===Film and Television Industry===
* '''[[Marlene Dietrich]]''': &quot;I played vulgar, she ''is'' vulgar.&quot; (Marlene refused to meet Madonna, who wanted to remake ''The Blue Angel'' in the 80s.) &lt;ref&gt; Steven Bach, ''Marlene Dietrich: Life and Legend'' &lt;/ref&gt;
* '''[[w:Ashton Kutcher|Ashton Kutcher]]''': &quot;Madonna has a project in Malawi where she has genuinely affected the lives of about 250,000 children who are orphaned. I think that's a pretty generous person, not someone who should be criticized. That sort of generosity is pretty admirable.&quot; [https://archive.is/20130629220955/www.monstersandcritics.com/people/news/article_1401452.php/Ashton_Kutchers_generous_Madonna]

* '''[[w:James Franco|James Franco]]''': &quot;After our kiss, Sean texted Madonna and said, 'I just popped my cherry kissing a guy. I thought of you. I don't know why.' &quot; [http://www.out.com/detail.asp?page=3&amp;id=24151 ''Out'' magazine].

* '''[[w:Tony Ward|Tony Ward]]''': [http://rickcastro.com/tonyward.html]
** &quot;THAT LADY. I was never a fan. I saw her in that silly Lucky Star video in the early days of MTV, and I knew I would be reunited with my mother/ lover/ teacher/ friend/ bitch/ cheater/ liar/ goddess/ student/ poetess/ angel/ pain/ tears/ broken-heart/ inspiration/ intrigue/ and human awe. We fell hard immediately too much, too soon for the both of us. In the end, when you love something, let it go.&quot;
** &quot;Madonna as a talent? Superior to all; she is a classic. I wish she would sing the standards. That is what her voice is made for. When she would sing around the house, I would close my eyes and melt. I was so privileged to be there.&quot;
** &quot;She never knew how I really felt with her, and to put all the stories straight, those unauthorized biographies are all full of lies. You dummies, don't buy it. I was not her toy-boy, or a gift to her from her brother. We just happened to be in the right place at the right time. I love you always, lady.&quot;

* '''[[Susan Sarandon]]''': &quot;The history of women in popular music can, pretty much, be divided into before and after Madonna.&quot; [http://womenshistory.about.com/od/quotes/a/madonna_5.htm].

* '''[[George Clooney]]''': &quot;She's probably everybody's high watermark about learning how to reinvent yourself every few years and continue to stay alive. She without a question the absolute best at that. And she's nice, I like her; she's a friend. She's seems to handle things really well; people can be really tough on you on &amp; off at times and she seems very good at handling it.&quot; [http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x6gk0r_gwyneth-paltrow-and-george-clooney_news]

* '''[[w:Warren Baetty|Warren Baetty]]''': &quot;Madonna is simultaneously touching and more fun than a barrel of monkeys. She's funny and she's gifted in so many areas and has the kind of energy as a performer that can't help but make you engaged.&quot; [http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_38T64sfKt3Y/Smo6ku3b8iI/AAAAAAAAGI4/vBPrisYisSY/s1600-h/us_loose_talk_Scan10102.jpg]

* '''[[Ethan Hawke]]''': &quot;She transcended being a pop star. She drew international attention and shone the spotlight on a level of racism and the need for greater education.&quot; [http://web.archive.org/web/20091113172149/news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20091031/ap_on_en_ot/eu_romania_ethan_hawke_2]

* '''[[w:Dita Von Teese|Dita Von Teese]]''': &quot;Madonna is the only modern celebrity who is truly a style icon. Who else has the audacity to dress like her these days? She really influenced how I wanted to look when I was growing up, and made me realize that I didn’t have to look like a blond beach bunny or a Playboy model.&quot; [http://www.contactmusic.com/news.nsf/article/von%20teese%20madonna%20inspired%20me%20to%20be%20individual_1037902]

* '''[[w:Esther Rantzen|Esther Rantzen]]''': &quot;I get surprised by the venom that I hear expressed about Kabbalah. I think part of it is Madonna-envy.&quot; [http://www.mirror.co.uk/celebs/3am/wickedwhispers/2008/07/26/esther-rantzen-backs-pop-queen-madonna-over-kabbalah-115875-20671432/]

* '''[[Tom Hardy]]''': &quot;When we had a break Guy asked if I'd like to meet the wife as she was in the car park and he knew I was a fan. So off we trotted. To be honest, I had the shock of my life. There she was in the back of her Range Rover administering a shot of B12 into the arse of Gerald Butler. Believe me. I was completely stunned to be quite honest, stunned - I mean to throw open the door and see that... I knew it would be magnificent to meet her because she's cult - I mean like Elvis - but the last thing I expected to see was her giving Gerard a shot in his bare arse because he wasn't very well. She does it for her dancers, she's trained doing it, so she decided to do it for the actors as well. She was so cool. She just said to Gerard, 'There you go - bosh! That does it.' And while she was doing that she was talking to me about a load of books I should be reading. I was really thrown.&quot; [http://www.mirror.co.uk/showbiz/3am/2007/0...89520-19706938/] [http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/sfgate/detail?blogid=7&amp;entry_id=19888]

* '''[[w:Gerard Butler|Gerard Butler]]''': &quot;She was awesome. She was very, very cool. She played a bit of nurse to me, because I got sick in the middle of the film. She turned up with all these medications. In fact, the first day I met her, she was like, 'So you're the sick one. Take this, take this, take this.' The infection was in my throat and chest and I was really run down. Madonna thought the whole thing out and helped me get better.&quot; [http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/showbiz/a97990/madonna-nursed-gerard-butler-on-film-set.html].

* '''[[w:Benjamin Bratt|Benjamin Bratt]]''': &quot;Madonna is one of the only people in the world that can make a straight woman become gay, or a gay man become straight.&quot; [http://www.askmen.com/women/singer/5_madonna.html].

* '''[[David Tennant]]''': &quot;She's quite extraordinary. When I was 14, the first single I ever bought was &quot;Like a Virgin&quot;. She was kind of my sexual awakening. I had some full-on posters of her on my wall. I don't know what my parents thought. She still looks damn fit.&quot; [http://www.contactmusic.com/news.nsf/article/tennant%20madonna%20responsible%20for%20my%20sexual%20awakening_1010988]

* '''[[Miley Cyrus]]''': &quot;Madonna always reinvents herself, and that's what I want to do. Whatever comes my way that sounds good, that's what I want to do. Whether it's designing clothes or photography or whatever.&quot; [http://www.contactmusic.com/news.nsf/article/cyrus%20i%20want%20to%20be%20the%20next%20madonna_1073345]

* '''[[w:Dakota Fanning|Dakota Fanning]]''': &quot;I got to meet her one time and she’s so beautiful in person. I’ve never seen her in concert but I would love to, on her tour. But she’s amazing and I hope that she goes for many, many more years.&quot; [http://itn.co.uk/news/b8851c0f0e02b4adc6f0321ff907fa30.html].

* '''[[Hilary Duff]]''': &quot;Oh, [I'm] definitely [a fan]. I grew up listening to Madonna. It feels surreal getting to do a cover of &quot;Material Girl&quot;. It's such a great dance song.&quot; [http://popdirt.com/hilary-duff-on-madonna/40115/]

* '''[[w:Glenn Close|Glenn Close]]''':
** &quot;I admire Madonna. she has so much energy and it's very inspiring to watch someone like that. I have her Confessions album playing a lot in my dressing room, you know, singing and rolling my arms to Hung Up gets me in the mood to go shout at people as Patty Hewes.&quot; [http://madge-tribe.blogspot.com/2009/03/glen-close-on-madonna.html]
** &quot;The album that I have probably played to death though is Madonna ''Confessions on a Dance Floor'', its just such a joyful album for me all the way through you know…genius, I love it and I think she is a... remarkable person, a strong woman and that's empowering.&quot; [http://madge-tribe.blogspot.com/2009/04/glenn-close-on-madge.html].

* '''[[w:Susan Seidelman|Susan Seidelman]]''': &quot;She is an incredibly disciplined person. During the shoot [of ''Desperately Seeking Susan''] we'd often get home at 11 or 12 at night and have to be back on the set by 6 or 7 the next morning. Half the time the driver would pick Madonna up at her health club. She'd get up at 4:30 in the morning to work out first.&quot; [http://www.people.com/people/archive/article/0,,20090144,00.html].

* '''Andy Bird''':
** &quot;She wasn't at all Madonna-ish, in a predatory way. She was warm and affectionate and womanly. She's really very normal: a lovely, traditional, sweet person&quot;
** &quot;We were holding hands, she was taking my arm, pretty much from the outset. It all seemed very natural. I'm a romantic anyway, and she's got a very big heart.&quot; [http://www.madonnalicious.com/features/andybird1.html]
** &quot;I used to joke with my friends, 'What do you buy the woman who has everything?' but she was actually really easy to buy presents for. She was always really gracious when she received gifts.&quot;
** &quot;She could wear the tattiest pair of jeans and still look good in them. Often she'd walk round the house in just a Hennes vest and look fantastic. She once said to me if she didn't do what she did, she would love to have been in fashion journalism. She is very creative.&quot; [http://madonnalicious.com/features/andybird2.html]
** &quot;She's certainly not one for regrets, She's very forward-looking and positive, as you can see from what she's achieved in her life.&quot; [http://madonnalicious.com/features/andybird3.html].

* '''[[w:Trudie Styler|Trudie Styler]]''': &quot;Oh, God! Yes, I had a sense that they'd really like each other and really complement each other and I think they do - they're fantastic parents, and they sparkle when they're together. But I'm not a kiss and tell!&quot; [http://www.madonnatribe.com/news/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=1535]

* '''[[w:Ricki Lake|Ricki Lake]]''': &quot;I love that Madonna adopted this baby and has brought so much attention to Malawi. She's my hero.&quot; [http://www.pr-inside.com/lake-builds-malawian-school-r448362.html].

* '''[[w:Emanuela Rossi|Emanuela Rossi]]''': &quot;I'm a big fan of Madonna, I love her music a lot. I like her persona, her ways to reinvent herself, not being the same all the time. I think it's vital and creative for an artist to look for new ways, new looks, different ways to sing but at the same time keeping those qualities that make you unique. Madonna is also a controversial artist that tends to amaze people in every possible way and the same time I think she's a very authentic person. She looks very visceral to me, also in her quests. She has become quite sophisticated over the years but she stays true to herself and still capable to push people's buttons. I think that's the key of her success.&quot; [http://www.madonnatribe.com/news/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=3482]

* '''[[Rosie O'Donnell]]''':
** &quot;She is no symbol. She is human. More brilliant than most. The real deal.&quot; [http://www.rosie.com/askro/default.aspx Rosie's blog]
** &quot;Amazing. Inspiring. Magnificent. Fan freaking tastic. That woman; direct connect. A ray of light, again and again.&quot; [http://www.rosie.com/askro/default.aspx Rosie's blog]
** &quot;When you don't have a mother, you do everything in your power to be a good mother; it's like the goal of your life. And I think she succeeding, definitely do.&quot; [VH1 Behind The Music]

* '''[[Will Smith]]''': &quot;Madonna is in really good shape. I actually get a sexy chill every time I think about Madonna.&quot; [http://www.allheadlinenews.com/articles/7011503569]

* '''[[Al Pacino]]''': &quot;She was doing a dance and she was naked under her coat. Over the course of the dance, she became inspired and opened her coat, and there she was. She has an extraordinarily beautiful body, like cut out of ivory. One day, when I'm old and I'm wheeled out on my porch wrapped in a blanket, if I have a beatific smile on my face, I'll probably be thinking of that.&quot; [http://www.celebritymound.com/?p=1250] [http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/sfgate/detail?blogid=7&amp;entry_id=8532]

* '''[[Rupert Everett]]''': [http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-403659/Rupert-Everett-Madonna--Material-Girl.html] [http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/story?id=2396048&amp;page=1]
** &quot;At 18 I sniffed poppers with Hardy Amies, danced at a nightclub with Rudolf Nureyev and dined in Paris with Andy Warhol and Bianca Jagger. I knew what it was to be drunk on fame by association. Yet everything was a pale imitation of the impact Madonna made on me. We met by chance.&quot;
** &quot;When I first met Madonna she really was one of the only women that whether you were gay or straight or an animal she demanded a sexual response some how, something inside her and everybody was turned on by her, everybody!&quot;
** &quot;She was raucous but poised, elegant but common. She had the cupid-bow lips of a silent screen star, and it was obvious that she was playing with Sean underneath the table throughout the meal.&quot;
** &quot;She was tiny and luscious with long auburn hair, slightly curled. She sat down. Sean’s forget-me-not eyes watered with adoration. Hers were the palest blue, strangely wide-set, any further and she would look insane, or inbred. When they looked in your direction, you froze.&quot;
** &quot;In no way was she conventionally beautiful. She was a bit like a Picasso. When she fixed you with her regard, there was a tenderness and warmth that made your skin bump, but when she looked away, it was like sunbathing on a cold day and suddenly a cloud comes.&quot;
** &quot;She was mesmerizing. She oozed sex and demanded a sexual response from everyone. It didn’t matter if you were gay. You were swept up all the same. In those early years there was no male who would not want to bed her.&quot;
** &quot;...I lost myself in Madonna’s attention and by the end I had fallen in love.&quot;

* '''[[w:Gwyneth Paltrow|Gwyneth Paltrow]]''':
** &quot;She's like an older sister. Everything I have gone through, she went through ten times worse and ten times longer. She gives me good advice about how to say no and take care of myself.&quot; [http://www.elizabeth.actressarchives.com/news.php?id=3072]
** &quot;She’s always been committed to helping. In a big picture way, she’s the most generous person in the world and she’s always thinking about how she can help. Malawi’s become very close to her heart, obviously as her son is from Malawi, and she’s spent a lot of time and dedication doing what she can.&quot; [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=19702]
** &quot;Madonna Ciccone rules the world, is a loyal friend and a terrific mother.&quot; [http://goop.com/newsletter/18]
** &quot;She's a great woman. She's got a lot of wisdom. We just have fun together. She works on herself harder than anybody else I've met. We do share that and we're both public women. We are both perfectionists.&quot; [http://www.contactmusic.com/news.nsf/article/paltrow%20values%20madonnas%20friendship_1068956]

* '''[[Helen Mirren]]''': &quot;The thing that was imposed on me from the outside was crude and vulgar and distressful to me, and disturbing - that big tits, blonde hair, Diana Dors, blowsy kind of thing. (But) I think Madonna got it right. Madonna claimed it for herself, and I've always admired her for that. I loved that 'Sex' book she did. I thought it was fantastic, because it was a big two fingers up, 'This is my sexuality, it's not what you put on me, it's mine'.&quot; [http://fametastic.co.uk/archive/20070124/4306/helen-mirren-i-love-madonnas-brand-of-sexuality/]

* '''[[w:Ricky Gervais|Ricky Gervais]]''': &quot;The Mercer. It's just nice. Really cool. I turned up there last time, and there were about 20 paparazzi going, 'Ricky,' 'Ricky,' 'Ricky.' And I said, 'What are you doin' here?' 'We're here to see you.' I said, 'What [are] you really here for?' And they went, 'Madonna.' They were nice, but I knew the truth. Why would they be there for me?&quot; [https://archive.is/20130630013515/www.nypost.com/seven/01302007/entertainment/travel/celebs_and_the_city_travel_.htm].

* '''[[w:Anthony LaPaglia|Anthony LaPaglia]]''': &quot;I jokingly refer to Madonna being my template in making my decisions, because she’s the best at reinventing herself. Every two years she reinvents herself. [That's why] she still is where she is after 20 years. I think that that’s a smart thing.&quot; [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=17566]

* '''[[w:Charlotte Gainsbourg|Charlotte Gainsbourg]]''': &quot;Madonna was incredibly quick and professional. I was unable to say anything else than 'Hello','I’ll listen to it' and 'Good-bye' [when she asked to use a few lines from &quot;The Cement Garden&quot; for her song, &quot;What it Feels Like for a Girl&quot;]. That was incredibly stupid of me. Madonna was the idol of my youth and I grew up listening to her music.&quot; [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=18126]

* '''[[w:Richard E. Grant|Richard E. Grant]]''':
** &quot;She was very exact and particular about what she wanted as a director and she was very impressive.&quot;[http://www.madonnatribe.com/news/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=672]
** &quot;She is somebody who is so determined to stretch in every direction and I really admire that. Believe me, the number of directors that I have worked with who don't have half her ability makes me believe she has a real talent.&quot;[http://www.telegraph.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml?xml=/opinion/2007/06/10/dp1001.xml].

* '''[[w:Alan Parker|Alan Parker]]''': &quot;She worked out her moves in the mirror the night before we’d shoot. She would work so hard. She was not someone who went out clubbing every night. She was the one who said, ‘I want to be there at 5.30 in the morning so I have enough time to get the hair and make-up right.’ So before the crew had even arrived, she would be there. By the time she arrived at the set she was smiling and she did her job. And she did her job brilliantly.&quot; [http://entertainment.timesonline.co.uk/tol/arts_and_entertainment/film/article1671737.ece].

* '''[[w:Jon Lovitz|Jon Lovitz]]''': [http://www.avclub.com/articles/jon-lovitz,49464/]
** &quot;She would show up and she’d have already run eight miles. And then they’d do the practice and she’d stay after another hour and hit. Her work ethic is fantastic.&quot;
** &quot;I like her a lot. I saw her about five years ago, and I told her, “I feel like my career started with you, and I have a fond place for you in my heart.” And mine did start with her. The first thing I ever did was with her. And she goes, “I know, I feel the same way about you.&quot;

*'''[[w:Susan seidelman|Susan seidelman]]''': &quot;She's the kind of person that really does get up at five in the morning to go swimming. She wasn't at all prima donna-ish. She wasn't one of those people that want to be alone and sit in their trailer the whole time. I think she has much more of a sense of humor that people give her credit for. Too many people take that femme fetale stuff at face value.&quot; [http://books.google.co.il/books?id=Cjea8TsM0hkC&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;source=gbs_ge_summary_r&amp;cad=0#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false].

* '''[[Sarah Jessica Parker]]''':
** &quot;Madonna's probably the most disciplined person around and so I can only pale in comparison. It's just too impressive.&quot; [http://people.monstersandcritics.com/news/article_1341761.php/Food_lover_Sarah_Jessica_Parker]
** &quot;Madonna, she is a strong woman, I met her before her show in New York in 2004, she was amazing, very friendly and super cool, that show was awesome, she is a true icon, had to hold myself back from really stalking her. I so wish we could have got her on the show [''Sex &amp; The city''], she would have been amazing, as for her acting ability, her presence on screen is just mesmerizing, check out her Vogue, Rain and Bad Girl video's, these are some of my favourite Madonna songs and the videos are amazing.&quot; (When asked if there's anybody she admires) [http://madge-tribe.blogspot.com/2008/12/sarah-jessica-parker-on-madonna.html].

* '''[[w:Ellen Pompeo|Ellen Pompeo]]''':
** &quot;For the first time I saw Madonna when she first came out and she was on television talking and singing songs about her mother and how her mother had passed and how sad she was. And it dawned on me 'oh that's what happened to me, my mother died'. And it makes you terribly sad and that's why I'm so unhappy and it's okay to talk about it and it's okay to grieve and I should be sad and I should be upset and I should be allowed to go through these things. So I did go through that process because of Madonna, because I saw her talking about it and singing about it, I was able to understand what happened to me and work through it and use my experiences in my favour to give me a lot of what I draw from when I act.&quot; [http://nz.entertainment.yahoo.com/070620/6/o0b.html]
** &quot;She's the only person I've ever approached - she had such an impact on my life as a kid. She lost her mother too and came on MTV when I was 13 saying it was OK to be sad. Our family had handled my mother's death in a traditional, never-speak-of-her-again kind of way. It was only when I heard Madonna that I thought, 'That's it. I've never really grieved for my mother.' She gave me permission to do that and I wanted her to know how much it had helped me. She's just fantastic.&quot; [http://www.contactmusic.com/news.nsf/article/pompeo%20inspired%20by%20madonna_1006887]

* '''[[w:Kelly Ripa|Kelly Ripa]]''': &quot;I think she's used to people gushing over her and all of that, but I think she quickly sort of came to realize that yes, in fact I do go to every concert. The last concert she did, we made eye contact. Okay, in my mind it was eye contact. Madonna has no recollection, but I know she stared at me. There's something about her. I think she's very clever and witty. She's really funny. She's really down to earth when she's here. And I just love that about her. And I love looking at her because she's a physical specimen. [http://www.ew.com/ew/article/0,,20055234,00.html].

* '''[[w:Debi Mazar|Debi Mazar]]''':
** &quot;We’ve always been friends. Our friendship has always been very deep and... We get into it! We’re both Leo’s, we’re both born in August. But, in terms of being friends, we keep it real.&quot; [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XKRd3btfHiA]

* '''[[Alicia Silverstone]]''': &quot;I'd die if I was Madonna. I'd die. God, what a horrible way to live. And Michael Jackson! To be so famous and to feel so isolated. I feel so bad for them. I don't know how it feels, and I hope it never happens to me.&quot; [http://www.celebrities-photo.com/alicia-silverstone.html].

* '''[[w:Mike Myers|Mike Myers]]''': &quot;It was terrifying, It was like kissing the Eiffel Tower in terms of how famous she is.&quot; [about making out with Madonna for tv skit] [http://www.metro.co.uk/fame/article.html?in_article_id=171680&amp;in_page_id=7&amp;in_a_source=]

* '''[[w:Pedro Almodóvar|Pedro Almodóvar]]''': &quot;When she came with her Blond Ambition tour I prepared a dinner for her, and that little thief didn’t tell us that everything she was recording was going to be part of her film. Madonna was asking for Antonio Banderas’ phone number all the time, because she wanted to screw him and I never gave it to her. When she went out jogging she always had her six bodyguards and I told her: 'Madonna, babe, this kind of things are not very attractive here in Spain.' In this country, that thing about bodyguards is like an offense, nobody is going to shoot Madonna or whoever in Spain. But in United States bodyguards seem to be, like a part of the body of the star. She asked me if I didn't have bodyguards and I said 'I would only have them to fuck them'.&quot; [http://allaboutmadonna.com/2009/03/pedro-almodovar-on-madonna.php]

* '''[[Quentin Tarantino]]''':
** &quot;I’ve always said that Madonna has gotten a bad rap. She was the only actor who knew what she was doing in ‘Dick Tracy’. She was my favorite in ‘A League of Their Own’. If I had something right for her, I would totally cast her.&quot; [http://popdirt.com/quentin-tarantino-wants-madonna-in-one-of-his-movies/27851/]
** &quot;I guess I’ll have to marry Elvis Presley to get even.&quot; (About Guy Ritchie marrying Madonna) [http://alltopmovies.com/top-10-most-outrageous-quentin-tarantino-quotes]

* '''[[w:Rachel Weisz|Rachel Weisz]]''': &quot;I think Madonna’s amazing. She constantly reinvents herself and I just went to see her art show in New York the other day and that was great.&quot; [http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/International_Buzz/Im_incredibly_messyRachel_Weisz_/articleshow/2645117.cms]

* '''[[w:Rex Lee|Rex Lee]]''': &quot;Remember when Madonna was first on American Bandstand and she told Dick Clark she wanted to rule the world? Well I don't want to rule the world, but I want to make my mark on the world... You know what? I'm lying. I do want to rule the world.&quot; [http://www.madonnatribe.com/news/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=1447]

* '''[[Tom Cruise]]''': &quot;I've known Madonna for years. I really admire her.&quot; [http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/2008-02-07-madonna_malawi_N.htm].

* '''[[w:Michael C. Hall|Michael C. Hall]]''': &quot;I caught Madonna live in Miami last year. It was a kick ass show; truly amazing. Her stage presence left me speechless, I just loved it.&quot; [http://madge-tribe.blogspot.com/2009/02/michael-c-hall-on-madonna.html].

* '''[[w:Tim Vincent|Tim Vincent]]''': &quot;I get to meet some very, very beautiful ladies through my job. Madonna is very sexy and she really flirted with me, which was amazing.&quot; [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=19538]

* '''[[w:Rosanna Arquette|Rosanna Arquette]]''': &quot;It suddenly just exploded overnight; you know, she was everywhere. And they started kind of rewriting the script for that, to tailor-make it for her in those moments. And here she is, still at it. She's 50 years old – almost 50 and rocking on. I think that's great.&quot; [http://www.thestar.com/entertainment/Television/article/409956]

* '''[[w:Denise Richards|Denise Richards]]''': &quot;You feel lazy watching her because you gotta get off your butt and just work, [She] is really an inspiration for everyone.&quot; [http://www.usmagazine.com/news/denise-richards-madonna-makes-me-feel-lazy]

* '''[[w:Anthea Turner|Anthea Turner]]''': &quot;I've got a huge amount of respect for Madonna - she's often labeled a control freak but she's just a perfectionist. There's a difference between looking tacky and artistic, and I think Madonna looks incredible. You can celebrate your body whatever age you are - there's no limit.&quot; [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/celebritynews/4348665/Anthea-Turner-does-a-Madonna-in-revealing-photo-shoot.html].

* '''Nathan Rissman''': It was amazing working with Madonna. She does everything 100 per cent, and so to be involved in what she was doing, for her to let me go forward and make this project was amazing. She's been involved creatively on every aspect. She knows pictures, she knows sound, she's really, really good. The most memorable thing about working with Madonna is seeing her in the village - seeing her really letting go of that celebrity status, really spending time with people, getting her feet dirty, and dancing, singing and crying with people. It was amazing to see her take on that new character. Madonna really wanted to bring some awareness to Malawi, and she really believed in me.  [http://www.metro.co.uk/fame/article.html?in_article_id=144651&amp;in_page_id=7&amp;in_a_source=]

* '''[[w:Malin Akerman|Malin Akerman]]''': &quot;I got ice cream cones and put them on my boobs. I wanted to be just like her.&quot; [http://www.style.com/peopleparties/parties/scoop/newyork-101408FILT/]

* '''[[Lindsay Lohan]]''':
** &quot;Timeless. She is just timeless.&quot; [https://archive.is/20130630011433/www.nypost.com/pagesixmag/issues/20081116/Trend+Madonnas+Mad+Mad+World]
** &quot;When I was little, every day after school I would come home and put in her The Immaculate Collection disc and karaoke to it around the whole house.&quot; [http://www.glamour.com/magazine/2009/03/american-icons?slide=9]

* '''[[w:Emmanuelle Seigner|Emmanuelle Seigner]]''': &quot;I like her boss and ultra-feminist side. I hate the concept of &quot;femme-objet&quot;, and the idea that women are still maltreated in certain parts of the world irritates me.&quot; [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=17760]

* '''[[w:Toby Kebbell|Toby Kebbell]]''': &quot;She's gorgeous. A lovely, stunning woman.&quot; [http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20223682,00.html?xid=rss-topheadlines]

* '''[[w:Michael Parkinson|Michael Parkinson]]''': &quot;She turned out to be so bright, frank and funny it made you wonder what the previous debate had been about. Hers is an extraordinary story of determination and hard work and the perfect antidote to the celebrity pap fed to today's wannabes. Anyone wanting to succeed in the music business, or indeed any other business, should watch the interview and learn what it really takes to get to the top.&quot; [http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1065418/Parkinson-Madonna-Robert-Mitchum-drug-offer-I-refuse.html].

* '''Stephen Jon Lewicki''': &quot;That woman has more sensuality in her ear than most women have anywhere on their bodies.&quot; [http://www.fast-rewind.com/making_certainsacrifice.htm].

* '''[[Michael Moore]]''':
** &quot;If we had a royal system she'd be the queen of Michigan and all the Michiganders would Bow down to her, and I'm not kidding. She's a person with a good heart; she does a lot of good for other people. I really admire her.&quot; (From E! News).
** &quot;She's one of the most caring and generous people I've met.&quot; [http://www.record-eagle.com/local/local_story_144100317.html]
** &quot;She spent the past couple of years filming what the people go through, and the efforts to help them, I saw the film  about a month ago. It's a fantastic, powerful movie.&quot; (About the film ''[[w:I Am Because We Are|I Am Because We Are]]'')
** &quot;She's sort of entered my realm. When I saw it [''I Am Because We Are''], I thought, 'Wow, it's like she's been making these films for years.&quot; [http://web.archive.org/web/20121022200541/http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/chi-ap-mi-madonna-moore,0,1510918.story]
** &quot;[She's] one of the smartest people I know.&quot; [I'm] humbled to be able to call Madonna a friend. She has such an incredible heart and such a generous spirit. She does so much out of the glare of the lights to make the world a better place.&quot;
[http://www.freep.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080803/ENT01/808030588] [http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080803/ap_on_en_mu/people_film_festival_madonna]

* '''[[w:Andrea Riseborough|Andrea Riseborough]]''':
** &quot;She's just a lovely woman. My first experience of her was a very nice cup of Earl Grey in a living room in her house. That's how we talked about doing something together and it was really artistically a very complicit relationship throughout.&quot;
** &quot;Madonna has an infectious passion for all sorts of things and she's very worldly. She has a real wisdom.&quot; [http://www.google.com/hostednews/ukpress/article/ALeqM5jqixj8n--BhKFzFCYe5St6VQVSbA?docId=N0422501296235367281A]
** &quot;You may think you know somebody like that. But of course you never really know them until you actually meet them. And she is absolutely wonderful. She is so strong. She is such an endless inspiration.&quot; [http://web.archive.org/web/20110210211115/http://www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/weekend/2011/0205/1224289050405.html].

* '''[[w:Natalie Dormer|Natalie Dormer]]''': &quot;Madonna is a woman of great vision and passion and focus - she is a force to be reckoned with, as you would imagine and she has a brilliant eye.&quot; [http://www.belfasttelegraph.co.uk/entertainment/film-tv/news/dormer-on-madonnas-directing-style-15096546.html#ixzz1F0I2MDOX]

* '''[[w:Christoph Waltz|Christoph Waltz]]''': &quot;It was fantastic (partying with Madonna). Everyone was there. I fought my way through because I mean, this is the hostess, the least I can do is thank her for the invitation. It was difficult, it took me about an hour and a half... In the end, I got there, and apparently I was standing right in front of her. You know, I looked for Madonna and there was this chick dancing, 'Where's Madonna?' (pointing at the girl). That was her, she was dancing like... I thought she was, you know, 23-24.&quot; [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-WP1WWK70fw]

* '''[[w:David Fincher|David Fincher]]''': &quot;Madonna is my Vatican. She’s my Sistine Chapel.&quot; [http://www.madonnarama.com/posts-en/2010/10/12/david-fincher-on-madonna-shes-my-vatican]

* '''[[Marcia Cross]]''': &quot;We used to swim at the same pool. She’d get out and put all this jewelry on - and I’d go home with my wet hair.&quot;

* '''[[w:Julia Roberts|Julia Roberts]]''': “I got her new album – it`s amazing,” she says. “I really respect and admire her.” [http://aboutjulia.com/site/2005/11/julia-roberts-would-love-to-work-with-madonna/]

===Fashion industry===
* '''[[w:Bert Stern|Bert Stern]]''': &quot;Madonna is gorgeous, the most beautiful eyes you ever saw. A little rough around the edges. She's a tough chick. She spits it out. She has her own agenda. It manifests in the pictures.&quot; [http://dir.salon.com/story/sex/feature/2001/08/14/marilyn/index2.html].

* '''[[w:Dolce &amp; Gabbana|Dolce &amp; Gabbana]]''': [http://web.archive.org/20091115135959/madonna-by-letizia.over-blog.com/article-d-g-1-38981426.html]
** &quot;We were in love with her at that time. We always have been. We wondered to ourselves if she’d ever wear Dolce &amp; Gabbana and we’d ever get the opportunity to express our admiration for her in person, let her know how inspiring and express the gratitude that all fans feel when they meet their idol... our idol. An exaggerated word I know, but I think it’s the correct one where Madonna is concerned! The summer came and went, and one day in September our press office received a page from the International Herald Tribune with a photo of Madonna. She was in Paris, dressed in all black and all Dolce &amp; Gabbana. We were incredibly emotional; Domenico and I still consider this moment today as one of the most intensive of our career. It seemed like a lucky gift for two Madonna fans, and we couldn’t ask for more.&quot;
** &quot; We arrived early [to meet Madonna], our legs were shaking, and we were incredibly nervous. At that time you could still smoke inside restaurants, and I must have smoked about half a pack of cigarettes whilst I was waiting. Madonna arrived right on time. She was on the set of the film Dick Tracey then, and arrived dressed as a man with make-up like Marlene Dietrich.&quot;
** &quot;She was sweet and kind, and immediately put us at ease, telling us how much she loved our work, how she loved Italy, and that she was originally from Abruzzo. She was curious to know more about our career, how we’d started, how we worked, where we drew our inspiration from, Sicilian women, Dolce Vita, pop culture and the era of the eighties that had just finished. We didn’t hide our admiration for her for even a minute; we felt a reciprocal kindness, and pretty soon, the lunch developed into one between friends, full of ironic jokes and compliments. We admired her more that we thought possible as fans. We felt like the luckiest fans in the world. We’d met a wonderful person, and above all, a new friend.&quot;

* '''[[w:Christian Audigier|Christian Audigier]]''': &quot;She is really all about the detail. She knows exactly what she likes and is always proposing ideas to us. After that she decides whether she wants to add shoes or other things. She's like me, when it's a, 'Yes,' it's a big, 'Yes.' When it's a, 'No,' it's a definite, 'No!' I like people like that, a lot of people are really critical but never give a solution. She is not like that.&quot; [https://archive.is/20130629215144/www.monstersandcritics.com/lifestyle/fashion/news/article_1487263.php/Madonnas_ageless_clothes%23ixzz0KU9scxSQ&amp;D]

* '''[[w:Jean-Baptiste Mondino|Jean-Baptiste Mondino]]''': &quot;She's John Lennon and Yoko Ono at the same time&quot;. [http://www.buy-web-traffic.net].

* '''[[w:Donatella Versace|Donatella Versace]]''':
** &quot;She's one of the most loyal friends I have. When my brother died, the first person that I got a phone call from was Madonna; she said she's there for me in anything I need.&quot; ([[w:Behind_the_Music|VH1 Behind The Music]])
** &quot;She inspires me a lot. I made all my Winter collection listening to &quot;Confessions on a Dance Floor.&quot;
** &quot;The word 'icon' is overused, but in the case of Madonna I believe it has some meaning. She is a true icon. She has become a symbol of modern womanhood - confident, ambitious, dynamic, constantly reinventing herself. She is also a friend of mine and my late brother Gianni so there is a sense in which she symbolized the way in which Versace was staying true to its DNA, while evolving for the 21st century.&quot; [http://www.thecheers.org/news/Celebrity/news_6956_Donatella-Versace-thinks-Madonna-is-a-symbol-of-modern-womanhood.html].

* '''[[w:Amy Arbus|Amy Arbus]]''': &quot;Madonna just wandered along like everyone else. I recognized her as the girl who went to my gym — as the girl who would sit around naked longest in the locker room. Now that I think back on it, how could either of us have afforded a gym membership? She still had a last name at that point, and when I told her I worked for the ''Voice'', she said, 'Oh, that’s so funny. They’re reviewing my first single this week.' I recently looked back—it only took six frames to get that picture. I just think the look on her face is so prescient—it really has a sense of knowing what’s in store for her.&quot; [http://www.themorningnews.org/archives/galleries/on_the_street/]

* '''[[w:Frida Giannini|Frida Giannini]]''': &quot;Meeting Madonna for the very first time was a shock. She was a myth to me. She was the first poster I hung on my room's wall when I was 14. And then I found herself in front of me, shook her hand. Her immense mediatic power still impresses me. Only to mention that the laminated jacket we made in twelve different versions for her last tour ended up being one of the season's best-sellers would be enough.&quot; [http://www.madonnatribe.com/news/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=1683]

* '''[[w:Jean-Paul Gaultier|Jean-Paul Gaultier]]''': [http://www.madonnalicious.com/images/extra/2008/look_131008.jpg]
** &quot;I proposed to Madonna three times, but she refused all the time. Always in very a polite way. She's the only woman I would ever have married. I find her attractive sexually.
** &quot;She's still provocative and aggressive. She went mystical and does yoga, and she's a good mother, so of course she's changed. She's still rebellious, though. When she doesn't like something, she says it.&quot;

* '''[[w:Jenny Shimizu|Jenny Shimizu]]''':
** &quot;Madonna’s a wonderful woman. When I first got to New York, I knew very little, and she knew all about the city — she was a wonderful kind of tour guide&quot; [http://justjared.buzznet.com/2009/02/26/jenny-shimizu-make-me-a-supermodel/]
** &quot;I actually stayed at Madonna's house in New York City for a short bit when I was in the process of moving between lofts. She let me stay there again, when I moved back to LA and was looking for a place to live. She has a lot of houses all over. So when she's not there or if she's there, she's very kind that way, very generous.&quot; [http://www.giantrobot.com/issues/issue10/jenny/]
** &quot;From the age of 14 I'd watched her videos and thought, ‘I'm going to have sex with that gorgeous woman one day.' For hours we explored each others bodies, kissing every inch. Far from the domineering, sex-crazed woman many think she is, I found her a very gentle lover. It wasn't about whips and chains. Madonna wanted someone she could trust to call when she wanted pleasuring right there and then. I was her secret ‘booty call' available any time of the day or night for secret sex sessions. This woman exuded raw sex appeal and I couldn't get enough of her. I loved the fact I was at this woman's beck and call. It turned me on being ordered to her room whenever she felt like sex.&quot; [http://xrrf.blogspot.com/2006/04/i-was-madonnas-booty-call.html] [http://mypetjawa.mu.nu/archives/173876.php]

* '''[[w:Lee Friedlander|Lee Friedlander]]''': &quot;[She] seemed very confident, a street-wise girl. She told me she was putting a band together but half the kids that age are doing that. She was a good professional model.&quot; [http://web.archive.org/web/20090119070252/news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090116/ap_en_ot/madonna_auction]

* '''[[Marc Jacobs]]'''
** &quot;I wanted the campaign to be very bold, very sensual and very atmospheric. To carry off all these references and all this sophistication, we needed the ultimate performer and for me, that is Madonna.&quot; [http://fashion.glam.com/blogs/fashiontribes_daily/madonna_strikes_the_pose_for_louis_vuitton/?cat=Fashion]
** &quot;I was totally just blown away by it, and moved by her performance, by what she had to say, and her energy. She’s so sure of herself as an icon and as a woman. What fascinates me the most about her is her never-ending energy, and the idea of becoming and changing. She’s an artist who’s unafraid to use her voice.&quot; [http://www.wwd.com/media-news/fashion-memopad/madonna-and-marc-mslo-exit-1877806] (About the desire to hire Madonna in Louis Vuitton's fashion advertising campaign after attending her [[w:sticky and Sweet Tour|Sticky &amp; Sweet]] concert).

* '''[[w:Natassia Malthe|Natassia Malthe]]''': &quot;I'm a fan of Madonna's. I've followed her since I was 10. I'm a huge fan of hers - which woman isn't? She's such a strong person, she's just so different from anybody else. She's sustained herself in this business. I go to everything that is Madonna, she is just an amazing human being.&quot; [http://www.dailystar.co.uk/gossip/view/35994/Madonna-documentary-premieres-in-NY/]

* '''[[w:Steven Klein|Steven Klein]]''': &quot;[Madonna] is very clear, surprisingly focused in conceiving innovative pictures. When you think about it you never see her back, you rarely see anyone's back in a photograph and it's fascinating to show its muscular structure&quot;. [http://entertainment.timesonline.co.uk/tol/arts_and_entertainment/visual_arts/article1310737.ece].

* '''[[w:Fabian Baron|Fabian Baron]]''': &quot;She's very imposing and knows what she wants. She's very informed and opinionated, which makes her genius. She takes you in and swallows you up—and you don't mind it, you actually enjoy it. There's an unspoken seduction that goes on. I was young, She was young, too, and beautiful. She knows what she's doing. And such drive. Some people want to lift stones and see what's under it. She'll be on a beach with millions of stones and want to lift every one of them.&quot; [http://www.hintmag.com/hinterview/fabienbaron/fabienbaron2.php]

* '''[[w:Herb Ritts|Herb Ritts]]''': &quot;I've always said that if you didn't know Madonna necessarily, you'd still be curious about the woman in the photograph.&quot; [http://www.herbritts.com/about/interview/?page=04]

===Publishing industry===
* '''[[w:Gregory David Roberts|Gregory David Roberts]]''': &quot;She was so unfussy. I think the thing about Madonna is that she's tremendously intelligent. She's fiercely intelligent; she's very sharp, very funny, very witty, very quick and will not accept second best. She will pick you up immediately in a conversation and defend her position and will put it forward with a rigorous intelligence. I think it's intimidating to a lot of people - I love it! For me it can't get any better than that, so I loved that about her, but I do think a lot of people are intimidated by her and reading it as something that it's not. It's simply a fierce intelligence. She's one of the smartest people you could ever meet.&quot; [http://edition.cnn.com/video/#/video/international/2009/06/18/rao.ta.shantaram.cnn?iref=videosearch]

* '''Jeffrey Fulvimari''': &quot;There is only one thing to do with someone as special as Madonna....celebrate her. She told us so in one of her very first songs! But, mostly, she gives us something more to adore every year, and aside from making huge hits, her work in Malawi is something for everyone to emulate. Working with her is a dream come true!!! She has Never ever treated me in any other way but professionally, and with respect. I mean, gosh when the Queen of Pop loves what you do, there's no better feeling!! I really concentrate on the fact that these books are bringing a better life to those most in need in the world, and until more celebrities (and celebrity photographers) step up and do the charitable works she is doing, they cannot speak an ill word about her. People need to stop copying her videos and performances, and copy what really means the most to her...'Raising Malawi'! That's what it's all about!&quot; [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=jeffrey_fulvimari]

* '''[[w:Lucy O'Brien|Lucy O'Brien]]''':
** &quot;I feel that she has constantly conveyed a message of empowerment to women - that women don't have to seek approval before doing something, that they can be bold and brave and fulfill their potential - and that's very inspiring. She has also been vocal in her support of gay politics and latterly, has become involved in the fight against global poverty. In pop culture terms, she has been hugely influential - very few pop artists are so determined and outspoken. [http://www.madonnatribe.com/idol/lucy_obrien.htm]
** &quot;Madonna is a force of nature above and beyond the art she creates. It is as if we consume her rather that her music, even when her music is great.&quot; [http://madonnajam.iespana.es/said.html?0&amp;weborama=-1#qm].

* '''[[Paulo Coelho]]''': &quot;Today is late Sunday and I just returned from the show of Madonna. And what did I see? A young 50 year-old dancing like a child, a queen, a teenager. It got me thinking about the fact that I believe we are aging differently from the previous generations. I remember for instance my parents at the age of 50 and they were already old, and more importantly they considered themselves as already old.&quot; [http://paulocoelhoblog.com/2008/09/22/madonna-and-us/]

===Live entertainment===
* '''Christopher Flynn''': &quot;She was kind of far-out. One of the best students I've ever had, a very worldly sort of woman even as a child. We would go to gay bars, and she and I would go out and dance our asses off. People would clear away and let her go.&quot; [http://www.people.com/people/archive/article/0,,20090144,00.html].

* '''[[w:Camille Barbone|Camille Barbone]]''': [http://community.seattletimes.nwsource.com/archive/?date=19911105&amp;slug=1315402]
** &quot;Madonna loves beautiful women and she is into anyone sexually, male or female, who is beautiful.&quot;
** &quot;She loves sex and would go after any man she wanted. There's a strong maleness in Madonna. She seduces men the way men seduce women.&quot;
** &quot;Men were always overwhelmed by Madonna. She's seductive and alluring. She has an amazing ability to manipulate men, based on her sensuality and the possibility of sexual favors. The entourage of young men she had hanging around was just waiting to get into bed with her. But she was a great tease. She kept them at a distance, but always interested and intrigued.&quot;

* '''[[w:Bernard Manning|Bernard Manning]]''': &quot;Madonna? Lovely. Oh yes. Nice skin. You could tell she wasn't a scrubber.&quot; [http://www.highbeam.com/doc/1G1-82635173.html].

* '''[[Sandra Bernhard]]''': &quot;...I run into [Madonna] all the time, so it's not like there's any irresolvable strangeness. I like to think of the time when we were hanging out as the end of an era. We played out our friendship in the public forum, but it wasn't drunken or irresponsible airheads hanging out - she's a smart lady and I'm obviously my own brand of intellectual.&quot; [http://observer.guardian.co.uk/magazine/story/0,,2153856,00.html].

* '''[[w:Jonathan Ross|Jonathan Ross]]''': &quot;Madonna, the original MILF.&quot; [http://mario.jaiku.com/presence/6234543]

* '''Carlton Wilborn''': [http://www.madonnatribe.com/idol/carlton.htm]
** &quot;Madonna was really a Lady to me. At least how she dealt with me, I don't know how any of the other dancers felt about her. Inside of her rigid perfectionist, artistic brain there was a real elegance about her. The way that she lived her private life... that's one of the things I was surprised by. I would have thought that she would have had a much more avant-guard private life and she really didn't at all. She was very classy in her private life.&quot;
** &quot;My fondest memory of Madonna has nothing to do with tours. My fondest memory of Madonna happened in 1995 when I was having a really hard time in my career, Madonna became aware of that and she allowed me to live for a few months in the castle that she had in Hollywood. I stayed there three months, she was out of town for the majority of that time. I will always be in debit to Madonna no matter what. It was a real hard time for me and she reached out in a way she really didn't have to. She could have helped me in other ways but the fact that she truly, truly, let me know that she trusted me in her personal space at that degree really meant a lot to me.&quot;

* '''[[w:Sofia Boutella|Sofia Boutella]]''': &quot;Amazing. It was really hard work, but it has helped me to know myself a little bit more, I really like Madonna because she is a tireless worker.&quot; [http://www.madonnatribe.com/news/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=1214]

* '''[[w:Criss Angel|Criss Angel]]''': &quot;Madonna is a tremendous example of someone who went to NY with couple of dollars in her pocket and an enormous dream to conquer the world. She did whatever she had to do until she hit the big time. I admired her commitment and determination. She clearly understood what her market wanted in a performer. She's a great example of someone who developed a unique style, look, and brand and then marketed herself as a total package, filling a void that everyone else bought in to and tried to copy. She's an innovative genius.&quot; [http://i37.tinypic.com/j9lyiq.jpg]

* '''[[w:Dennis Rodman|Dennis Rodman]]''': ''Bad as I Wanna Be''
** &quot;Whenever I was with her I always knew I was around a woman who had power and knew how to wield it. She is a big-time businesswoman, and she knows exactly what she wants.
** &quot;She's a great lady. If you watch her on TV or in her videos, you get the perception of her as a real hard person who says &quot;Fuck&quot; for twenty minutes on David Letterman. In person, she's nothing like that. I don't remember her swearing to excess when we were out together. She always handled herself elegantly.&quot;

* '''[[w:Florence Foresti|Florence Foresti]]''': [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=17976]
** &quot;Madonna's my idol and the incarnation of the ultimate star, with what we can imagine of requirement, dictatorship.&quot;
** &quot;Each year, I wait for three rendez-vous with same impatience: Woody Allen's last movie, the CD or the concert by Madonna and the new book by Philippe Djan.&quot;
** &quot;Since I am a teenager, I am a fan of Madonna. I admire her determination, her talent, I know her career by heart. To prepare this parody, I saw a documentary again, in order to prepare the expressions of her face. I put the accent on her Diva side, whose desires are orders. A little jacket, a leotard, shoes, I copied her look from her album &quot;Confessions on a Dance Floor&quot;, inspired by the beginning of the eighties. Dressed as my idol, I was happy as a kid who put a costume of Superman!&quot;

* '''[[w:Jamie King|Jamie King]]''': &quot;She's confident, sensual and strong, but I like to bring out her vulnerability as well.&quot; [http://www.madonnalicious.com/images/extra/2007/thedailynews_020407.jpg]

* '''Yuki Matsumoto''': &quot;Madonna inspires creativity and expressions beyond gender, religion, race, nationality, culture and all borders. &quot;Madonna’s philosophy and originality always invigorates the world audience every time she produces a new album. Conventions and trends are challenged and redefined for the new values. &quot;Madonna is in sync with nature and balances her lifestyle to achieve her best physical and mental conditions. Her ever innovative spirits are in tune with her respect of nature. Despite her celebrity and never ending professional activities, Madonna always says FAMILY FIRST. Love and respect for all those who are dear to her are the most important values in life.&quot; [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=17360]

===Religious Institutions===
* '''[[w:Church of England|Church of England]]''':
** &quot;Is Madonna prepared to take on everything else that goes with wearing a crown of thorns?&quot; [http://godsstory.3story.org/stories/post/2006/08/11/madonna]
** &quot;Why would someone with so much talent feel the need to promote herself by offending so many people?&quot;  [http://www.secularism.org.uk/queenofcontroversyhitsthehotbutt.html].

* '''[[w:Jorge Medina|Jorge Medina]]''', Cardinal of the [[w:Roman Catholic Church|Roman Catholic Church]]
** &quot;This woman comes [to Santiago, Chile for her &quot;Sticky &amp; Sweet Tour&quot;], and in an incredibly shameless manner, she provokes a crazy enthusiasm, an enthusiasm of lust, lustful thoughts, impure thoughts.&quot; [http://web.archive.org/web/20081214095954/http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5jEslaEheEX0WsVn48IvUBZkpqr7AD9502LH83]
** &quot;The atmosphere in our city is pretty agitated because this woman is visiting and with incredibly shameful behavior provokes a wild and lustful enthusiasm. Thoughts of lust, impure thoughts, impure acts, are an offense to God and a dirty stain on our heart.&quot; [http://in.news.yahoo.com/137/20081211/778/tod-lustful-madonna-offends-god-says-chi.html]

===Political Field===
* '''[[Nicolas Sarkozy]]''': &quot;The French like burgers, Madonna and Miami Vice.&quot; [http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/05/06/AR2007050600644.html].

* '''[[Al Gore]]''': &quot;I appreciate and respect her as an artist and as a person.&quot; [http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2-2007280084,00.html].

* '''Dr. Peter van Ham''': &quot;NATO should follow the Madonna-curve, and not wait till its controversies escalate into public wrangles. The argument that tinkering on the edges will do since all challenges can be dealt with one at a time simply does not hold. To be successful, NATO needs a package-deal of painful compromises, where each member state has to give and take. This requires a comprehensive reform effort which only a new strategic concept offers. The quality of adapting to new tasks whilst staying true to one’s own principles is something which business analysts qualify as the Madonna-curve. This curve is named after the legendary pop-diva who reinvented herself each time her style and stardom went into inevitable decline, but whose audacity has lifted her up to ever higher levels of [[relevance]] and fame.&quot; [http://www.nato.int/docu/review/2008/03/ART5/EN/index.htm].

===Other===
*  Pipe bands greeted the Queen and the Queen mother when they visited us and a few people turned out. But everybody appeared to see this woman Madonna. She had them all in the palm of her hand.
** Jim Matheson [http://edition.cnn.com/2000/SHOWBIZ/Music/12/22/madonna/]

* I think she glows, she's an amazing performer and her work inspires me. There will be no other Madonna.&quot; (From the book ''&quot;Madonna talking&quot;'' by Mick St. Michael)
** Mariquita Robinson.

* '''[[Alex Rodriguez]]'''
** &quot;I have a lot of respect for her. She's very committed to making the world a better place.&quot; [http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20244527,00.html]
** &quot;She's an amazing entertainer. And it's been amazing how she's been able to stay on top for three decades. She's very smart, and she's passionate about everything she does. If there ever was any situation, she's a great ear to have, you know? I met her about 12 years ago in Miami, believe it or not, That's how we know each other. I was trying to buy her house, and I couldn't afford it.&quot; [http://men.style.com/details/features/landing?id=content_8397]

* '''Tracy Anderson''':
** &quot;[She has] the most amazing work ethic. Madonna is exquisite to look at and she works hard at it.&quot; **[http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2009/jan/03/tracy-anderson-personal-trainer-madonna]
** &quot;People say to me, 'Madonna must really boss you around' and I tell them 'No! She’s the most docile, sweet, quiet little student'. Madonna never slacks off. She’s like a gym nerd. I challenge anybody to see Madonna in person and not want her body. What she’s achieved is not unnatural.&quot; [http://www.mirror.co.uk/celebs/celebs-on-sunday/2009/03/15/tracy-anderson-madonna-is-such-a-perfect-pupil-it-s-gwyneth-who-gives-me-cheek-115875-21190090/]

* She's a dream pupil; She's very driven, listens to what you say and just wants to do it and improve. You can always get somewhere with someone like that. When I started teaching her she hadn't jumped at all and now she can jump a course of 1.05m. Jumping and hacking are her two favorite things.
**Daisy Trayford [http://www.horseandhound.co.uk/news/397/275035.html]
==References==
{{reflist}}

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}

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[[Category:1958 births]]
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      <text bytes="135890" xml:space="preserve">{{Autor
| Nome = Madonna
| Photo = Madonna Rebel Heart Tour 2015 - Stockholm (23051472299) (cropped).jpg
| Wikisource = 
| Wikipedia = Madonna
| Wikicommons = Category:Madonna (entertainer)
}}
'''[[w:Madonna (entertainer)|Madonna Louise Ciccone]]''' (born [[16 August]] [[1958]]), known simply by her first name '''Madonna''', is an American pop singer-songwriter, dancer, and actress.
She has been often referred to, by the media, as the 'Queen of pop'.&lt;ref&gt;[http://www.guinnessworldrecords.com/content_pages/record.asp?recordid=55387]&lt;/ref&gt; Madonna's record company credited her as having sold over 300 million records worldwide.&lt;ref&gt;[http://www.marketwire.com/mw/release_html_b1?release_id=97678]&lt;/ref&gt;

== Quotes ==
* I've never really lived a conventional life, so I think it's quite foolish for me or anyone else to start thinking that I am going to start making conventional choices.
** {{cite web|url=http://www.okmagazine.com/news/madonna-misses-certain-things-about-being-married|title=Madonna Misses &quot;Certain Things&quot; About Being Married|publisher=[[w:OK!|OK!]]|date=2012-01-12}}

* To rule the world. 
** {{cite web|url=http://www.cnn.com/CNN/Programs/people/shows/madonna/timeline.html|title=Madonna Timeline|publisher=[[w:CNN|CNN]]}}
** (When asked what she wanted to do, on &quot;American Bandstand&quot;, 1983.)

* Now there's no point in placing the [[blame]] &lt;br/&gt; And you should know I'd [[suffer]] the same
** ''[[w:Frozen (Madonna song)|Frozen]]'' (February 23, 1998) from the album ''{{w|Ray of Light}}'' (March 3, 1998), cowritten with [[Patrick Leonard]].

* &quot;A lot of people are just really confused by me; they don’t know what to think of me, so they try to compartmentalize me or diminish me. Maybe they just feel unsafe. But any time you have an overtly emotional or irrational, negative reaction to something, you’re fearing something that it’s bringing up in you.&quot; 
** {{cite web|url=http://entertainment.timesonline.co.uk/tol/arts_and_entertainment/music/article6836901.ece?token=null&amp;offset=0&amp;page=1|title=Madonna Interview:Sunday Times Culture|publisher=[[w:The Times|The Times]]|date=2009-09-20}}

* Better to live one year as a tiger, than a hundred as sheep. 
**{{cite web|url=http://www.theinsider.com/news/1130430_Madonna_50_Years_Of_Wit_And_Wisdom|title=Madonna: 50 Years Of Wit And Wisdom|publisher=[[w:The Insider|The Insider]]}}

* &quot;I love horses. I think I may have been one of Henry VIII’s knights in another life, riding through a great forest.&quot; 
** {{cite web|url=http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/showbiz/news/a119799/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-madonna.html|title=The wit and wisdom of Madonna|publisher=[[w:Digital Spy|Digital Spy]]|date=2008-08-15}}

* &quot;I just like the idea of pills. I like to collect them but not actually take them. When I fell off my horse, I got tons of stuff: Demerol and Vicodin and Xanax and Valium and Oxycontin, which is supposed to be like heroin. And I'm quite scared to take them. I'm a control freak.&quot; 
**{{cite web|url=http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-library/madonna-interview-rolling-stone-december-01-2005|title=Madonna Interview : Rolling Stone|publisher=[[w:Rolling Stone|Rolling Stone]]|date=2005-12-01}}

* &quot;I'm tough, ambitious, and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay.&quot; 
** {{cite web|url=http://www.people.com/people/archive/article/0,,20113175,00.html|title=Madonna|publisher=[[w:People (magazine)|People]]|date=1992-07-27}}

* &quot;I wanted to be a boy when I was growing up because I was in love with all of the male dancers I knew and they were all gay. And I thought, Well, if I was a boy, they'd love me. So I got into role-playing then. That's where it began. I remember when I was still in high school, I had cut my hair off really short, and I was totally anorexic - I had no boobs - and I would dress like a boy and go to gay clubs and my goal was to trick men into thinking I was a boy.&quot; 
** {{cite web|url=http://www.theguardian.com/theobserver/1999/dec/12/life1.lifemagazine1|title=Ray Of Light|publisher=[[w:The Guardian|The Guardian]]|date=1999-12-01}}

* &quot;I have the most perfect belly button. When I stick my fingers in it, I feel a nerve in the center of my body shoot up my spine.&quot; 
**{{cite web|url=https://books.google.ru/books?id=9ugCQfxwym0C|title=Confessions of a Madonna|publisher=[[w:Spin magazine|SPIN]]|date=1985-05-01}}

* &quot;I liked my body growing up and I wasn't ashamed of it. I liked boys and didn't feel inhibited by them. Maybe it comes from having brothers and sharing a bathroom. The boys got the wrong impression of me at high school. They mistook forwardness for promiscuity. When they don't get what they want, they turn on you. I went through this period when all the girls thought I was loose and the boys said I was a nymphomaniac. The first boy I ever slept with was my boyfriend and we'd been going out a long time.&quot; 
** {{cite  web|url=http://time.com/3724297/madonna-rocks-the-land/|title=Madonna Rocks the Land|publisher=[[w:Time (magazine)|Time]]|date=1985-05-27}}

* I'm not interested in being Wonder Woman in the delivery room. Give me drugs.
** {{cite web|url=http://www.independent.co.uk/opinion/the-biggest-mother-of-them-all-1358620.html|title=The biggest mother of them all |publisher=[[w:The Independent|The Independent]]|date=1996-10-16}}

* &quot;She never had public favor; it was a bit like the Hillary Clinton thing. She did all the right things for her country, but she wasn't ultimately revered. So she had a conversation with her confidant-adviser. She asked him, when have they ever looked up to or idolized a woman? Only one, he told her, the Virgin Mary. So she said, Then I will become like the Virgin Mary, and she did. She created a facade for herself; she stopped having lovers; she became like a virgin. She became sexless, and painted her face in a white alabaster way, and turned herself into an icon that was untouchable and sexless, and then she had everybody's respect.&quot; 
**{{cite web|url=http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-library/madonna-interview-aperture-magazine-summer-1999|title=Madonna Interview : Aperture Magazine (Summer 1999)|publisher=[[w:Aperture|Aperture]]}}
** (About Queen of England, [[Elizabeth I]].)

* &quot;Phallic symbols. You know Catholics. I used to draw people naked all the time in my art class and my nun teachers used to tell me I had to put clothes on them. So I just drew lines around their bodies. See-through clothes.&quot; 
**{{cite web|url=http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-library/madonna-interview-island-magazine-october-1983|title=Madonna Interview : Island Magazine (October 1983)|publisher=[[w:Island Magazine|Island]]|date=1983-10-01}}
**(When asked what she used to draw as a kid). 

* &quot;Fame is a by-product. Fame is something that should happen because you do work that speaks to people and people want to know about your work. Unfortunately the personality of people has taken over from the work and the artistry and it's this thing now that stands on its own. I don't think one should ever aspire to being famous.&quot; 
**{{cite web|url=http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-library/madonna-interview-q-magazine-may-2008|title=Madonna Interview : Q Magazine (May 2008)|publisher=[[w:Q magazine|Q]]|date=2008-05-01}}

* &quot;I must have been Japanese in a previous life. I'm pretty sure I was a warrioress. I can't explain it, I just know. I'm good at fighting - fighting with a big sword.&quot; 
** {{cite web|url=http://www.femalefirst.co.uk/celebrity/Madonna-23560.html|title=Madonna's Japanese past|date=2008-11-13|publisher=femalefirst.com}}

* &quot;This is a historical evening. This is fucking important evening... We are lucky to be sharing it with each other. This is the beginning of a whole new world. Open your fucking head!&quot;
** {{cite web|url=http://www.lasvegassun.com/news/2008/nov/07/dont-cry-her-vegas/|title=Don’t cry for her, Vegas|publisher=[[w:Las Vegas Sun|Las Vegas Sun]]|date=2008-11-07}}
** Madonna Onstage in San Diego on election night, congratulated President-elect Barack Obama before a giant projected backdrop of an Obama campaign poster that read, “WE WON.” It ended with Madonna getting the crowd to chant “We are one!” 

* If we can elect an African American as president, we can support gay marriage! Defeat prop 8! We will not give up! 
**{{cite web|url=http://www.sundaytimes.lk/081109/International/sundaytimesinternational-07.html|title=Madonna says it's time US says “I do” to gay marriage|publisher=The Sunday Times|date=2008-11-09}}

* &quot;One is that we are all responsible for our actions, our behavior, and our words, and we must take responsibility for everything we say and do. When you get your head wrapped around that, you can no longer think of life as a series of random events - you participate in life in a way you didn't previously. I am the architect of my destiny. I am in charge. I bring that to me, or I push that away. You can no longer blame other people for things that happened to you. The other is that there is order in the universe, even though it looks like chaos. We separate the world into categories: this is good and this is bad. But life is set up to trick us. It's a series of illusions we invest in. And ultimately those investments don't serve our understanding, because physicality is always going to let you down, because physicality doesn't last.&quot;
**{{cite web|url=http://www.vanityfair.com/news/2008/05/madonna200805|title=Madonnarama!|publisher=[[w:Vanity Fair (magazine)|Vanity Fair]]|date=2008-05-01}}
**(About Kabbalah) 

* &quot;When I experienced what was going on first hand, I just got sucked into the whole thing. Thank God I did. I met some amazing people and, hopefully, I’ve changed the lives of a lot of children. Just as important, I think it’s been an incredible growing and learning experience for me.&quot; (About her work in Malawi).
**{{cite web|url=http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/Story?id=5251905|title=Celebrity Parade With Jeanne Wolf|publisher=[[w:ABC news|ABC]]|date=2008-06-27}}

* &quot;Not only does society suffer from racism and sexism but it also suffers from ageism. Once you reach a certain age you're not allowed to be adventurous, you're not allowed to be sexual. I mean, is there a rule? Are you supposed to just die?&quot; 
**{{cite web|url=http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/showbiz/2007-12F/10/content_6310487.htm|title=Madonna Refuses To Become A Victim of Ageism|publisher=chinadaily.com.cn|date=2007-12-18}}
** Madonna said it at 34 in [[w:Jonathan Ross|Jonathan Ross]] interview ([http://madonnascrapbook.blogspot.ru/2012/02/ageism-and-madonna-saying-fuck-you.html Ageism and Madonna]).

* &quot;Publicly humiliating someone for your own gain will only come and haunt you. God’s going to have his revenge.
**{{cite web|url=http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-library/madonna-interview-q-magazine-april-2003|title=Madonna Interview : Q Magazine|publisher=Q|date=2003-04-01}}

* I hate polite conversation. I hate it when people stand around and go, 'Hi, how are you?' I hate words that don't have any reason or meaning. Also I hate it when people smoke in elevators and closed in places. It's just so rude.
** [http://womenshistory.about.com/od/quotes/a/madonna_2.htm].

* I don't take drugs. I never did. All the feelings that drugs are supposed to produce in you - confidence or energy - I can produce naturally. The only problem is going to sleep. But I never take pills... I drink herbal teas.
** {{cite  web|url=http://time.com/3724297/madonna-rocks-the-land/|title=Madonna Rocks the Land|publisher=[[w:Time (magazine)|Time]]|date=1985-05-27}}

* I think that life is a paradox and you have to embrace that in your work and your belief systems... you can't be a literalist, and that's the trouble that people always find themselves in. That's why people always hit a wall with any of my stuff, because you can't take it literally.
**[http://dazeddigital.com/article/388/1/madonna_worldwide_exclusive_in_dazed_and_confused ''Dazed &amp; Confused'' magazine 29 February 2008]

* One of my all-time favourite poets is Charles Bukowski. I think he's the coolest guy in the world.
**[http://www.madonnanews.net/citaty.html].

* I'm not a feminist, I'm a humanist.
** (''On Stage and On The Record'' 2003).

* Listen, everyone is entitled to my opinion.
** [http://www.theinsider.com/news/1130430_Madonna_50_Years_Of_Wit_And_Wisdom].

* &quot;That consciousness is everything and that all things begin with a thought. That we are responsible for our own fate, we reap what we sow, we get what we give, we pull in what we put out. I know these things for sure.&quot; 
**[http://www.thelpa.com/lpa/quotes.html Talking about Kabbalah]

* &quot;I am because we are. We all bleed the same color. We all want to love and be loved.&quot;
** [http://www.youtube.com/user/iambecauseweare About her documentary ''I Am Because We Are'']

* Be strong, believe in freedom and in God, love yourself, understand your sexuality, have a sense of humor, masturbate, don't judge people by their religion, color or sexual habits, love life and your family.
** From ''The Great Rock 'N' Roll Quote Book'' [http://womenshistory.about.com/od/quotes/a/madonna_2.htm].

* Every time I do a show, I die a little bit, but no shit is worth doing unless you're willing to die for it.
**[http://www.powerhousebooks.com/madonna_confessions/ From ''Madonna Confessions'' book by Guy Oseary]

* &quot;I pay attention to what’s going on around me. I’m always looking for new energy, new talent, new voices. When you do that I think it’s easier to come up with fresh ideas. It's not that my career has been based on surprising people, but it’s been about challenging myself — to constantly do new things that are going to broaden my own mind and in the process, hopefully, connect with other people.&quot; 
**[http://www.parade.com/celebrity/celebrity-parade/archive/pc_0179.html ''Parade'' magazine 24 June 2008]

* &quot;Family is everything. Family comes first. It's not what I expected it to be, but nothing ever is.&quot; 
**[http://www.familyquotes4u.com/2009/03/family-quotes-page-8.html] 
**(In ''Brilla Mare Ariake'' ads).

* &quot;Now that I got everyone's attention, what do I have to say?&quot; 
**([[w:Behind_the_Music|VH1 Behind The Music]]).

* &quot;I'm not going to compromise my artistic integrity.&quot; 
**(Spoken in her documentary [[w:Truth_or_Dare_(Madonna_documentary)|Truth or Dare]]).

* &quot;I went to New York. I had a dream. I wanted to be a big star. I didn’t know anybody. I wanted to dance. I wanted to sing. I wanted to do all those things. I wanted to make people happy. I wanted to be famous. I wanted everybody to love me. I wanted to be a star. I worked really hard and my dream came true.&quot; 
**(Spoken at the beginning of the [[w:The_Virgin_Tour|Virgin Tour]] concert video).

*I have a cage&lt;br/&gt;It's called the stage&lt;br/&gt;When I'm let out&lt;br/&gt;I run about&lt;br/&gt;And sing and dance and sweat and yell&lt;br/&gt;I have so many tales to tell&lt;br/&gt;I like to push things to the edge&lt;br/&gt;And inch my way along the ledge&lt;br/&gt;I feel like God, I feel like shit&lt;br/&gt; The paradox, an even split&lt;br/&gt;It's just a job, I always say&lt;br/&gt;I should be grateful everyday&lt;br/&gt;Sometimes I think I just can't do it&lt;br/&gt;But I persist and I get through it&lt;br/&gt;And I console myself each night&lt;br/&gt;At least my cage is filled with light.
** Short poem from ''[[w:I'm_Going_to_Tell_You_a_Secret|I'm Going to Tell You a Secret]]''.

* I haven't got much time to waste&lt;br/&gt;It's time to make my way&lt;br/&gt;I'm not afraid of what I'll face&lt;br/&gt;But I'm afraid to stay. 
**(Lyrics from [[w:Jump_(Madonna_song)|Jump]]).

* &quot;Poor is the man whose pleasures depend on the permission of another.&quot; 
**(Lyrics from [[w:Justify My Love|Justify My Love]]).

* &quot;Most priests are gay.&quot; 
**(Said in ''[[w:I'm Going to Tell You a Secret|I'm Going to Tell You a Secret]]'').

* &quot;Come on girls! Do you believe in love? Cause I got something to say about it.&quot; 
**(Lyric From [[w:Express Yourself (Madonna song)|Express Yourself]]).

* &quot;I was sacked from Dunkin' Donuts for squirting the donuts jelly all over the customers.&quot;
** [http://www.careerbuilder.com/Article/CB-1074-Changing-Jobs-Before-They-Made-It-Big/?ArticleID=1074&amp;cbRecursionCnt=1&amp;cbsid=2cff0592cadd497eb4f83b543bacdaca-290878106-RC-4&amp;ns_siteid=ns_xx_g_I_was_sacked_from_Dun_]
** About working in Dunkin' Donuts in New York before becoming famous.

* &quot;Rejection is the greatest aphrodisiac.&quot; 
**(Lyric from &quot;Forbidden Love&quot;, [[w:Bedtime Stories (Madonna_album)|Bedtime Stories]]).

* &quot;The cross is a very powerful symbol and it symbolizes suffering, but it also is connected to a person who was loving and sharing and his message was about unconditional love. I tried to take a powerful image and use it to draw attention to a situation that needs attention. For me, we all need to be Jesus in our time. Jesus' message was to love your neighbor as yourself and these are people in need.&quot; 
**[http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/showbiz/2007-02/17/content_811558.htm Explaining the controversial crucifixion scene in her Confessions tour]

* &quot;I fear the future I wish for my children is at risk, so I'm taking action. Please join me. Our greatest risk is not terrorism, and it's not Iraq or the &quot;Axis of Evil&quot;. Our greatest risk is a lack of leadership, a lack of honesty and a complete lack of consciousness. Unfortunately our current government cannot see the big picture. They think too small. They suffer from the “what's in it for me?” syndrome. The simple truth is that the current administration has squandered incredible opportunities to bring the world together, to promote peace in regions that have only known war, to encourage health in places that are ravaged with disease, to make us more secure by living up to our principles at home and abroad. The simple truth is that the policies of our current administration do not reflect what is great about America.&quot; 
**[http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,107771,00.html From Madonna's open letter about the War in Iraq &amp; the Bush administration]

* &quot;It takes a Real man to fill my shoes.&quot; 
**[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9kIqualuElwSaid Said during The VMA's '99, after number of men put a drag show dressed as her]

* &quot;Maybe I'm just a gay man inside a woman's body!&quot; 
**(Talking to Michael Parkinson in November '05 interview).

* &quot;I don't care if you have a small dick, as long as you know how to use that stick.&quot; 
**(From [[w:The_Girlie_Show_World_Tour|The Girlie Show]]).

* &quot;Hey you! Don't be silly! Put a rubber on your willie!&quot; 
**(Poem written for AIDS P.S.A).

* &quot;No man can have sex with anyone but me and since I don't have that kind of time on my hands, you might as well all be gay!&quot; 
**(Joked during Johnjay and Rich interview, 11 April '08).

* &quot;I'll flirt with anyone from garbagemen to grandmothers.&quot; 
**[http://www.thequotegenerator.com/chat/page/quote-generator-chat-guidelines]

* &quot;If you don't like my attitude, then you can fuck off, just go to Texas and suck George Bush's dick!&quot; 
**(Singing 'I Love New York' at Coachella Festival 2006).

* &quot;When I came to New York it was the first time I'd ever taken a plane, the first time I'd ever gotten a taxi-cab, the first time for everything. And I came here with 35 dollars in my pocket. It was the bravest thing I'd ever done.&quot; 
**[https://www.beautyelife.net/madonna-age-children-life-biography/].

* &quot;For me, a male image that I'm really moved by is somewhere between of Oscar Wilde type of a male: the fop, the long hair, the suits, too witty for his own good, incredibly smart, scathingly funny - all that. But then my other ideal is more like the Buddhist monk - the shaved head, actually someone who sublimates their sexuality.&quot; 
**[http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-interviews-articles/aperture-magazine-summer-1999 ''Aperture'' Magazine 1999]

* &quot;I am attracted to a thug. I like that quality, but I like the other side of it, too. Because all guys who go around behaving in macho ways are really scared little girls. So you have to look beneath the surface. There's a difference between my ideal man and a man that I'm sexually attracted to, believe me. Therein lies the rub.&quot; 
**[http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-interviews-articles/aperture-magazine-summer-1999 ''Aperture'' Magazine 1999]

* &quot;Hollywood is about playing the game, and I can't think of any successful actresses who didn't play the game. there's a lot more renegades in the music business, from Patti Smith to Janis Joplin.&quot; 
**[http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-interviews-articles/aperture-magazine-summer-1999 ''Aperture'' Magazine 1999]

* &quot;David Bowie has a huge influence on me because his was his first concert I went to see. I remember watching him and thinking I didn't know what sex he was, and it didn't matter. Because one minute he was wearing body stockings - the whole Ziggy Stardust thing - and the next minute he was the Thin White Duke in white double-breasted suits, and there's something so androgynous about him. And I think androgyny, whether it's David Bowie or Helmut Berger, that has really really influenced my work more than anything.&quot; 
**[http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-interviews-articles/aperture-magazine-summer-1999 ''Aperture'' Magazine 1999]

* &quot;I am my own experiment. I am my own work of art.&quot; 
**[http://www.girlscantwhat.com/2007/10/15/i-am-my-own-experiment/]

* &quot;When I got my first paycheck, $5'000 or something. I bought a Leger and I bought a Frida Kahlo self-portrait, but I don't know which came first. But I remember buying it and I had just gotten married and it looked completely out of place in my house in Malibu.&quot; (When asked what was the first painting she bought). 
**[http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-interviews-articles/aperture-magazine-summer-1999 ''Aperture'' Magazine 1999]

* &quot;I've always been kind of obsessed with Frida Kahlo, so I was really into the idea of getting something that belonged to her. And then from Frida Kahlo I found out about Tina Modotti and then I started collecting her stuff and Edward Weston, and one person always leads to another person with me, because for me it started with Diego Rivera, then it went to Frida Kahlo, then it went to Tina, and Edward and... Also, if you're into Picasso, and you want to find out about him and that whole area of art and European culture, then you start reading about Man Ray and the surrealists and Andre Breton, and all of a sudden you're in that whole world and you start having interests in other people. It's like a disease.&quot; 
**[http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-interviews-articles/aperture-magazine-summer-1999 ''Aperture'' Magazine 1999]

* &quot;What else is there for me to conquer? Hopefully my ego. How will I know when I've succeeded? When I stop caring what anyone thinks.&quot;  
**[http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-interviews-articles/q-magazine-may-2008 ''Q'' Magazine May 2008]

* &quot;When in doubt act like god&quot;. 
**[http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/2004/oct/31/usa.religion ABC 20/20 interview 2004]

* &quot;One must dare to show what he wants. You have to go and ask for things rather than wait for them to happen.&quot; 
**(Crillon Hotel, Paris, November 1998).

* &quot;I'd like to think I am taking people on a journey; I am not just entertaining people, but giving them something to think about when they leave.&quot; 
**[http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/showbiz/2007-02/17/content_811558.htm].

* &quot;One set of circumstances does not complete you. Maybe nothing ever does. So you work on your life and you work on your 'work' and you try to live every single day like it's your last. And you try to be better, to yourself and to others. I don't always succeed. But I try and it's my goal.&quot; 
**[http://www.wowowow.com/entertainment/liz-smith-living-legend-madonna-398128?page=0%2C0]

* &quot;I stand for freedom of expression, doing what you believe in, and going after your dreams.&quot; 
**[http://www.studyworld.com/newsite/Quotes/QuoteByTopic.asp?i=Dream]

* I'm everything!
**[http://madonnascrapbook.blogspot.com/2009/10/im-everything-entertainment-news-report.html].

* Italians do it Better 
** [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R5nE1J0lKpY]
** (From the famous T-shirt she wears in the video [[w:Papa Don't Preach|Papa Don't Preach]] at the minute 1:10.)

* Life's too short to be bitter, I'm too short to be bitter.
**[http://www.last.fm/user/helena_wanje].

* Beauty is where you find it.
**(Lyrics from [[w:Vogue_(song)|Vogue]]).

* Absolutely no regrets.
**(Lyrics from [[w:Human Nature (Madonna_song)|Human Nature]]).

=== On The Late Show with David Letterman (1994) ===
:&lt;small&gt;[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cRSP5ZUmxP8= The show online]&lt;/small&gt;

* Madonna: &quot;Is that a rug?&quot; ''(referring to David Letterman's hair)''.

* Letterman: ''(after the singer brands him a &quot;sick fuck&quot;)'' &quot;You realize this is being broadcast don't you?&quot;

* Madonna: &quot;Listen, all you do is talk about my sex life on your show, so now you don't want to talk about my sex life when I'm on your show?!&quot;

* Letterman: &quot;I want to thank you folks for coming out for this run-through show. Thank you very much. This, of course, will never see the light of day. You won't miss a thing tonight.&quot;

* Letterman: &quot;Oh, stop it! Will you stop? Ladies and gentlemen, turn down your volume. Turn down the volume immediately! She can't be stopped! There's something wrong with her!&quot;

* Madonna: &quot;I am a sick fuck I have my nose in everybody's sex life!&quot;

=== From [[w:Sex (book)|Sex]] book ===

* &quot;Straight men need to be emasculated. I'm sorry. They all need to be slapped around. Women have been kept down for too long. Every straight guy should have a man's tongue in his mouth at least once.&quot;

* &quot;Then there are guys who say 'I have never fantasized about being with a man.' They are lying. And the least offensive men I've been with in terms of their sexual politics and how they view me as a woman, have been men who have either slept with men, or at least kissed or held a man once. It opens up your thinking. You don't think that women are less-than you are.&quot;

* &quot;My pussy has nine lives.&quot;

* &quot;A lot of people are afraid to say what they want. That's why they don't get what they want.&quot;

* &quot;I think I have a dick in my brain. I don't need to have one between my legs.&quot;

== Quotations about Madonna ==
{{cleanup|2009-08-18}}

===Family===
* '''[[w:Christopher Ciccone|Christopher Ciccone]]''':
** &quot;I was born my mother's son, but I will die my sister's brother. I no longer balk at the truth, because when all is said and done and written, I am truly proud that Madonna is my sister and always will be.&quot; [http://madgenetwork.blogspot.com/2008/07/life-with-my-sister-madonna-intro.html]
** &quot;It was fucking endless. Every time we went to his goddamn house in Malibu, from the moment we arrived until the moment we left: 'Marry me, just marry me.' And she [Madonna] was like, 'Hahaha.' He was endless.&quot; (on David Geffen constantly asking Madonna to marry him) [http://www.vanityfair.com/culture/features/2008/07/wayne_ciccone200807?currentPage=2]

* '''[[w:Guy Ritchie|Guy Ritchie]]''':
** &quot;Funnily enough, we took out the bits that my wife recommended we take out the first time she saw it.&quot; (About his film, ''Revolver'') [http://www.beautyandthedirt.com/show.asp?ID=2434]
** &quot;It works because, first, I love her. That helps in a marriage. I actually like her, which is even more rare in a marriage.&quot; (About being married to Madonna) [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;new_topic=8]
** ''Interviewer'': &quot;who’s in charge at home?&quot;&lt;br/&gt;''Guy Ritchie'': &quot;I’ve got to tell you, we’re just like any other married couple.&quot;&lt;br/&gt;''Interviewer'': &quot;So she’s in charge?&quot;&lt;br/&gt;''Guy Ritchie'': &quot;Yes!&quot; [http://www.reuters.com/article/peopleNews/idUSLAU66309020071206]
** &quot;She is brilliant and brilliant at what she does.&quot; [http://www.newsoftheworld.co.uk/showbiz/rav/article19677.ece]
** &quot;She's a manifester, if there ever was one. First-rate manifester. Madonna makes things happen. Put Madonna up against any twenty-three-year-old, she'll outwork them, outdance them, outperform them. The woman is broad.&quot; [http://www.esquire.com/features/guy-ritchie-interview-1109-3#ixzz0UbMeBVMe].

* '''[[w:Joe Henry|Joe Henry]]''': &quot;I've known her since I was 15 and she was 17, longer than I've known my wife. We have had a great relationship, and part of that was because I never needed anything from her. I recognised that we were in two different occupations. Not to disparage one ounce of her musicality, I was always of the belief that her persona was her career. Whether she was making a movie or writing a song or punching a photographer, it was all pushing a persona forward, and that was the real body of work. I was never tempted to slip a song to her at thanksgiving.&quot; [http://www.madonnatribe.com/news/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=1124]

* '''[[Sean Penn]]''':
** &quot;She was in the process of becoming the biggest star in the world. I just wanted to make my films and hide. I was an angry young man. I had a lot of demons and don't really know who could have lived with me at the time. I was just as badly behaved as her, so I can't point the finger of blame.&quot; [http://www.allmovieportal.com/c/seanpenn.html]
** &quot;She was a phenomenon, but nothing could have told anybody what would happen next. I describe that marriage as loud. That's how I remember it. I don't recall having a single conversation in four years of marriage. I've talked to her a few times since, and there's a whole person there. I just didn't know it. I was just living in my own head. Who was it that said: 'Men are vain, particularly young men'? That was me, and I liked to drink a lot. [http://breakingnews.iol.ie/entertainment/?jp=mhmhojsnkfcw]
** &quot;[She's] very real, very sensitive.&quot; [http://showbiz.sky.com/Sean-Glad-I-Ditched-Madge]
** &quot;Nothing that I could possibly some up with is as important as her. No whale, no nuclear war, no starving nation is more important, either.&quot; [http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_38T64sfKt3Y/Smo6ku3b8iI/AAAAAAAAGI4/vBPrisYisSY/s1600-h/us_loose_talk_Scan10102.jpg]

===Music Industry===
* '''[[w:William Orbit|William Orbit]]''': &quot;You know, she hasn't shouted about her musical abilities, but she is the consummate songwriter. She listens to classic musicals a lot. Not just the obvious ones, like ''[[Singin' in the Rain]]'', but the lesser ones. I remember one time we all had dinner in Germany, and somebody brought up old musicals, and she was the one who knew all the verses. And she writes really solid, melodic stuff like that.&quot;[https://www.rollingstone.com/music/music-news/madonna-cant-stop-the-music-164212/]

* '''[[w:Sting|Sting]]''': &quot;She's outrageous, she's provocative, she's inscrutable. And over the years, we've all been witnessed to her evolution, from street smart kid sister to virgin bride, from sex goddess to a yogi. Her mind is as celebrated as her body, she's as feared as she's desired, she leads while others follow... A woman who is all woman, and all women.&quot; [http://wherethereswil.blogspot.com/2007/12/music-makes-people-come-together.html].

* '''[[Janet Jackson]]''': &quot;I think she's done wonderful things. She's done great things in her career, in her life, and more power to her.&quot;[http://www.janet-love.com/2008/02/29/janet-speaks-to-hx-magazine/ HX magazine March 2008]

* '''[[w:Mary J. Blige|Mary J. Blige]]''': &quot;I don't think the music business, as far as females, would be anything without Madonna.&quot; [http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x6gk0r_gwyneth-paltrow-and-george-clooney_news] 

* '''[[Tupac Shakur]]''': &quot;I was letting people dictate who should be my friends. I felt like because I was this big Black Panther type of nigga, I couldn't be friends with Madonna. And so I dissed her, even though she showed me nothing but love. I felt bad, because when I went to jail, I called her and she was the only person that was willing to help me.&quot; [http://www.thugz-network.com/Tupac~Shakur~Interview~Ready~To~Live.php]

* '''[[Marilyn Manson]]''': &quot;I watched a screening of her [Madonna's] film and I was sitting right next to her, which to me was exciting still. I’m not jaded enough to not be excited by that.&quot; [http://www.mansonusa.com/celebritarian/?page=2]

* '''[[w:Sinéad O'Connor|Sinéad O'Connor]]''': &quot;I love her, I adore her and I respect her. I pity her for all the analysis she has to put up with.&quot; [http://madonnajam.iespana.es/said.html?0&amp;weborama=-1#sinnead]

* '''[[Cyndi Lauper]]''':
** &quot;What's your issue? You know how many old geezers do you see with young women. What's the double standard? Who cares? You know, they're both adults. Who cares? What's good for the goose is good for the gander.&quot; (When asked about what she thinks about Madonna dating younger man). [http://nymag.com/daily/intel/2009/02/cyndi_lauper_applauds_madonnas.html]
** &quot;It's so inspiring to see her work and she's got some spunk.&quot; [http://itn.co.uk/news/b8851c0f0e02b4adc6f0321ff907fa30.html]
** &quot;We’re both admirers of each others work.&quot; [http://popdirt.com/cyndi-lauper-and-madonna-to-team-up-this-year/47051/]

* '''[[w:Mirwais|Mirwais]]''': &quot;Once I collaborated with the Queen Bee, whoever came after her seemed a little boring to me! Many came to ask me to produce tracks, from Depeche Mode to [[Jennifer Lopez]], but I said no to all of them!&quot; [http://www.absolumentmadonna.fr/artworks/20090529-BREVES02en.png]

* '''DJ Enferno''': &quot;She has so much knowledge– she’s been in the business for so long, she’s got so many good ideas, and she’s really witty, that was one surprising thing that I found out about her. She’s really sharp and she’ll kind of bust your chops a little bit.&quot; [http://www.myfoxdc.com/dpp/news/virginia/052209_local_dj_spins_on_madonnas_tour]

* '''[[w:Seymour Stein|Seymour Stein]]''': &quot;I was in the hospital, I had her come see me in the hospital, we talked a deal in the hospital and we did the deal in the hospital. Within days, even before I got out of the hospital, she was starting to record what became her first single, Everybody, and we were off and running. I saw her staunch determination and I knew she would work as hard as I did and much harder, in fact. And that's what you need in an artist. She worked harder than anybody. I just saw her perform in Berlin, and she still works harder than anybody.&quot; [http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/7661105.stm].

* '''[[w:Shakira|Shakira]]''': &quot;I admire Madonna because she always did whatever she felt like doing. She went through some controversial periods when people rejected her, but she kept on reinventing herself.&quot; [http://www.tv.com/shakira/person/86809/biography.html].

* '''[[w:Lenny Kravitz|Lenny Kravitz]]''': &quot;She's a genius, she can do no wrong.&quot; ''[[w:Behind the Music|VH1 Behind The Music]]''.

* '''[[w:Daddy G.|Daddy G.]]''': &quot;Working with Madonna is something to tell to your grandsons.&quot; [http://madonnajam.iespana.es/said.html?0&amp;weborama=-1#daddy]

* '''[[w:DJ Gordon Edge|DJ Gordon Edge]]''': &quot;She is very natural. I did not get to know her as a person but she is down-to-earth and straightforward. She just speaks her mind.&quot; [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=19352]

* '''[[w:Donna Summer|Donna Summer]]''': &quot;I was sitting around thinking I should do something. I was thinking about design school. A friend said, 'Are you out of your mind? Do an album.' But I like privacy and I like my space. I like being with my family. You have to be in the right frame of mind. You can't be like 'Don't touch me.' to your fans or saying 'I don't want to sign autographs.' I think I was exhausted for a lot of years. I have to take my hat off to people like Madonna. They keep doing it.&quot; [http://blogs.sun-sentinel.com/features_fashion/2009/05/donna-summer-disco-crayons-pop-concert-stamp-your-feet.html].

* '''[[Ayumi Hamasaki]]''': &quot;I really like Madonna. What I admire is she's made it on her own terms.&quot; [http://web.archive.org/web/20020403141617/http://www.time.com/time/asia/features/ayumi_hamasaki/int_ayumi2.html].

* '''[[Björk]]''':
** &quot;Just the fact that she made it look good to control your own life when that was something that was not supposed to be very sexy for a woman. She's one of the few women who has remained true to herself and been a character.&quot; [http://violet.abc.se/~m8996/bjork/interviw/rs-no695.html]
** &quot;I really respect Madonna and I think she's quiet attractive a person, but, although it's not her fault, it does exist a world that surrounds her and spoils everything. It's not her, it's the media and all of this. I received an offer to write a lyric and a melody for her, and I felt quite honored.&quot; [http://madonnajam.iespana.es/said.html?0&amp;weborama=-1#bjork]

* '''[[w:Beyoncé|Beyoncé]]''': &quot;I love Madonna. I do! Definitely. It all works for Madonna. I mean, I couldn’t do a lot of the things she does, but it works for her. I watched the &quot;Human Nature&quot; music video for the &quot;Check On It&quot; video even though it didn't come out anything like it. I wanted to do something like that but we didn't have time to do it because it was just a 12-hour shoot.&quot; [http://www.me-me-me.tv/2007/05/25/beyonce-exclusive-other-ways-madonna-has-inspired-me/]

* '''[[Rihanna]]''':
** &quot;I want to be the black Madonna.&quot; [http://www.entertainmenthit.com/madonna/rihanna_wants_to_be_madonna.html]
** &quot;When I did that Metallic stuff for my &quot;Umbrella&quot; video, I didn't do it to show my body. I didn't do it for people to like me. I did it because it was a cool visual, unexpected and I looked hot. I just find myself leaning towards stuff that only Madonna can pull off.&quot; [http://whimsycrusader.blogspot.com/2007/07/dear-paper-magazine.html].

* '''[[w:Sean Combs|Sean Combs]]''': &quot;I'd like to do something with Madonna in Malawi. I see what she does and I think it's fantastic. I'd like to help in any way I can.&quot; [http://www.hollyscoop.com/p-diddy/pdiddy-wants-to-join-madonnas-malawi-campaign_16235.aspx]

* '''[[w:Ricky Martin|Ricky Martin]]''': &quot;I know Madonna as a mother, and she’s exemplary, the love she gives her kids is a dream, and I know that her heart is big enough to adopt not just one child but to adopt 20.&quot; [http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/10/25/AR2006102501003.html].

* '''[[Bono]]''': &quot;Madonna should be applauded for helping to take a child out of the worst poverty imaginable and giving him a better chance in life. Baby David is lucky to have been adopted by someone who can give him a chance of survival in this world and I don't think it's fair that people are criticizing her.&quot; [http://www.nme.com/news/madonna/25047]

* '''[[w:Melanie Brown|Melanie Brown]]''': &quot;It's easy for critics to knock celebrities who choose to adopt, but it's a good thing that Madonna's doing. Not only is she highlighting the plight of orphans in Africa, she's also giving this little girl the chance of a better life.&quot; [http://news.superiorpics.com/2009/04/12/BROWN_BACKS_MADONNA_ADOPTION_BID.html].

* '''[[Britney Spears]]''': [http://womenshistory.about.com/od/quotes/a/madonna_5.htm]
** &quot;I performed at Mom and Dad's party when I was four. Oh my gosh, I was singing a Madonna song and I peed myself.&quot;
** &quot;I would really, really, really like to be a legend like Madonna. Madonna knows what to do next, and when she's performing, the audience is just in awe of her.&quot;
** &quot;I really love 'Like a Prayer' because it was the first one I learned every word to.&quot; (2008).

* '''[[Jon Bon Jovi]]''': &quot;Madonna has been incredibly important to the 1980s, musically... a little disco queen who... became an icon.&quot; (1990).

* '''[[Alice Cooper]]''': &quot;Look at Madonna; she did all the outrageous stuff, but she could sing. She was a great performer! If she got up there and she couldn't sing a lick, I'd go, 'Ok, this is a sideshow.' But, she can really sing.&quot; [http://www.noisecreep.com/2010/01/29/alice-cooper-loves-lady-gaga-and-madonna/]

* '''[[w:The Androids|The Androids]]''':
** '' &quot;I'd rather do it with Madonna&lt;br/&gt;She's what a woman's supposed to be&lt;br/&gt;Oh Madonna won't you do it with me?&lt;br/&gt;The only girl I'll ever need&lt;br/&gt;She's really got me on my knees&lt;br/&gt;Have you seen that film clip where she's wearing the cowboy hat and she's kicking the dirt.&quot; '' (from the song &quot;I'd Rather Do it with Madonna&quot;) [http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/androids/doitwithmadonna.html].

* '''[[Robbie Williams]]''':
** &quot;I just want to say how much I enjoyed Madonna's performance. She is an absolute professional and she makes us all look like amateurs.&quot;
** &quot;Madonna is the ultimate in our day and age of the grass being greenest. Guy Ritchie is a lucky man. I do happen to fancy Madonna. She rehearses her arse off. Goes to the gym every day. She does all that stuff to get it spot-on and then she delivers. I'm in awe of her drive.&quot; [http://www.glamourmagazine.co.uk/daily-gossip/default.aspx?id=34877]

* '''[[Darren Hayes]]''':
** &quot;I’m fascinated by Madonna of all the famous people I have ever been introduced to, she was the only person who had that thing you imagine that Elvis or Marilyn Monroe had where you walk into a room and all the oxygen disappears in their direction.&quot; [http://www.pluggedinonline.com/read/read/a0004062.cfm]
** &quot;You know what? Everyone always talks about her image or her personality or her political stance. But for me it’s actually the voice and the songs. I think she is totally underrated as a vocalist and as a songwriter. She deserves so much more credit for her melodic sense and her emotive voice. I don’t know why people haven’t joined the dots yet but you can pretty much put her in a room with anyone and she’ll come up with the goods. That’s a producer right there. That’s a talent.&quot; [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=18619]
* &quot;What impressed me most? Her stamina, dedication and perfection. Her precision and respect for her body and the craft. What an icon! What a role model for women! I bow down to the one I truly serve!!&quot; [http://www.darrenhayes.com/dh/index.php?option=com_content&amp;task=view&amp;id=577&amp;Itemid=47]

* '''[[Justin Timberlake]]''':
** &quot;Her work ethic is very infectious in the studio. I was kind like, man, I'm too slow. She's a workhorse. I'm just a fan. I'm basically just a fan who, like, tricked Madonna.&quot;[http://www.madonnatribe.com/news/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=555]
** &quot;She's a very talented lady, There are definitely moments when I think, wow, I'm singing with Madonna. But she's so cool. She's very clever, very innovative. I was humbled working with her. She's fun to work with and she takes advice. Plus she has an amazing mind.&quot; [https://archive.is/20121230155638/www.news.com.au/heraldsun/story/0,21985,22209835-5006024,00.html]
** &quot;There’s only one Madonna. It was amazing. I’m still trying to figure out if she knew we were there, cause I was just constantly staring at her. I became like the weird stalker in the corner!&quot; [http://perezhilton.com/?p=4280#respond]
** &quot;As we were rehearsing she was running circles around me.&quot; [http://www.etonline.com/news/2008/11/67472/index.html]
** &quot;The world is full of Madonna wannabes. I might have even dated a couple. But there truly is only one Madonna. Though I’m pretty sure Little Richard would disagree, the truth is that nobody has ever gotten into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame while still looking this damn fine.&quot; [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=enA4OUzR2XM]
** &quot;People always ask if she is the control freak people say she is. Hell yeah! We had a recording session in London and I wasn't feeling well. She said: 'Would you like a B12 shot?' She reached into her handbag, pulled a zip-lock bag of B12 syringes and says: 'Drop 'em.' I don't know what you say to that, so I dropped my pants. She gave me the shot in my ass and then she looks at me and she says, 'Nice top shelf.' It was one of the greatest days of my life. That is what Madonna will always be to us. The shot in the ass when we really need it.&quot; [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hiTwqjefrUw]

* '''[[George Michael]]''':
** &quot;Madonna has made it difficult for the rest of us but even if I gave myself another five years I'd never be able to fit into that bloody leotard!&quot; [http://www.startrip.tv/george_michael/index.html]
** &quot;In many respects, she's the perfect pop artist.&quot; [http://books.google.co.il/books?id=Cjea8TsM0hkC&amp;pg=PA94&amp;lpg=PA94&amp;dq=%22she%27s+the+perfect+pop+artist%22&amp;source=web&amp;ots=L055seRr75&amp;sig=tNidX_r1B9xEPHiqeQX8bgp0XFQ&amp;hl=iw&amp;sa=X&amp;oi=book_result&amp;resnum=2&amp;ct=result#PPA95,M1]

* '''[[w:Liz Phair|Liz Phair]]''': &quot;Madonna is the speedboat, and the rest of us are just the Go-Go's on water skis.&quot; [http://web.archive.org/19990204000533/www.geocities.com/sunsetstrip/Club/2471/lizpeers.html].

* '''[[Cher]]''': &quot;She could afford to be a little more magnanimous and a little less of a cunt.&quot; [http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/2005/nov/20/popandrock.madonna]

* '''[[w:Kylie Minogue|Kylie Minogue]]''': &quot;Madonna's the Queen of Pop, I'm the princess. I'm quite happy with that.&quot; [http://www.topix.net/forum/who/madonna/T5650KQUJTGES0EI1]

* '''[[Timbaland]]''': &quot;Madonna's a funky lady, she's up for everything.&quot; [http://www.mirror.co.uk/showbiz/3am/tm_method=full%26objectid=18897798%26siteid=89520-name_page.html].

* '''[[w:Christophe Willem|Christophe Willem]]''': &quot;In music, the one who has reached the tops, it's Madonna.&quot; [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=17859]

* '''[[w:Damon Gough|Damon Gough]]''':
** &quot;I'd like to work on collaborations with some other artists like Madonna. She would be my first choice.&quot; [http://www.contactmusic.com/news.nsf/article/badly%20drawn%20boy%20desperate%20to%20work%20with%20madonna_1024002]
** &quot;...I think Madonna might be the only person my girlfriend would forgive me for straying away just overnight with -- because I think she'd do the same.&quot; [http://www.rollingstone.com/artists/badlydrawnboy/articles/story/5933746/badly_drawn_blows_off_madonna]

* '''[[w:Sophie Ellis-Bextor|Sophie Ellis-Bextor]]''': [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=17998]
** &quot;She has this ability to have you in the palm of her hand again. I went to see her last year in the Confessions on a Dance Floor and it was brilliant, it was really inspiring.&quot;
** &quot;I think the thing that Madonna does, which I hope I can do, is that she has this ability to come across as quite austere at the beginning …not cold exactly but a little detached. But at the end of it she looks like she’s having a great time - she’s dancing, and you’re dancing, and it’s all great. I think that’s really clever how she gets that dynamic to work. You always feel at the end of it that you’ve somehow won her over. I don’t know, that’s a real…you know what I mean? Not everyone has that.&quot;

* '''[[w:Susanna Hoffs|Susanna Hoffs]]''': &quot;I think she's really great. I respect and admire her and think she's really talented.&quot; (From the book ''&quot;Madonna talking&quot;'' by Mick St. Michael).

* '''[[w:Eugene Hutz|Eugene Hutz]]''':
** &quot;Madonna is a funny person, respectful and collaborative. I've been aware for a year that Madonna was a Gogol Bordello fan and in the end, we met trough mutual friends and we spoke a lot.&quot;
** &quot;I think she was very good and most of all she was scrupulous, that's something I think it's essential for a director. She knew what she wanted and she gave me total creative freedom, so for me it was an incredible experience.&quot; [http://www.madonnatribe.com/news/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=696]

* '''[[w:Marc Almond|Marc Almond]]''': &quot;It was a hell-hole. There were prostitutes upstairs, junkies downstairs and it was a bare room with a bed, nylon sheets, and a kitchenette with dirty plates and a lamp. I’ve always felt ashamed she stayed in such a pit. If I’d known in 1983 how big she’d become, I'd have cut up the sheets and sold them on ebay.&quot; [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=18182][http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=18210]

* '''[[w:Tom Meighan|Tom Meighan]]''': &quot;Ooh, Madonna’s thighs! She reminds me of my old dance teacher, who I used to have a crush on. Who didn’t have a huge crush on Madonna when they were a kid? &quot;I’d marry her. If she came for me, I really would.&quot; [http://www.pr-inside.com/entertainment-blog/2007/07/09/meighan-marry-me-madonna/]

* '''[[Don McLean]]''': &quot;Madonna is a colossus in the music industry and she is going to be considered an important historical figure as well. She is a fine singer, a fine songwriter and record producer, and she has the power to guarantee success with any song she chooses to record. It is a gift for her to have recorded 'American Pie.'I have heard her version and I think it is sensual and mystical. I also feel that she's chosen autobiographical verses that reflect her career and personal history. I hope it will cause people to ask what's happening to music in America. I have received many gifts from God but this is the first time I have ever received a gift from a goddess.&quot; [http://music.yahoo.com/read/news/12039019]

* '''[[w:Peter Hook|Peter Hook]]''': &quot;Madonna's like a Black Widow spider. She tends to use people, then they shrivel up and disappear. She sat there with her back to us, and Rob went up and said, 'We were wondering if you wanted to appear later at the club', and she just went, 'Fuck off.'&quot; [http://earsucker.com/2009/11/09/peter-hook-calls-madonna-a-black-widow-spider]

* '''[[w:Steve Bray|Steve Bray]]''': &quot;If people feel exploited by Madonna - that's resentment of someone who's got drive. It seems like you're leaving people behind or you're stepping on them, and the fact is you're moving and they're not... Madonna doesn't care if she ruffles someone's feathers.&quot; [http://www.topix.net/forum/who/madonna/T5650KQUJTGES0EI1]

* '''[[Pet Shop Boys]]''': &quot;Madonna always looks ahead, both for looks and sounds, just like we do.&quot; [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=18386]

* '''[[w:Fran Healy|Fran Healy]]''': &quot;I had a massive crush on Madonna when I was a kid, I mean it was huge. It was worrying. I just thought she was amazing.&quot; [http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/entertainment/showbiz-news/showbiz-news/2008/10/27/i-used-to-have-crush-on-madonna-admits-travis-star-fran-healy-86908-20844000/]

* '''[[Dave Grohl]]''': &quot;...It could be Madonna, if she wants to come do a couple of shots of Jagermeister with her friend Dave she's more than welcome to come into the room and I'll pour her some chilli shots of whisky, it'll be great!&quot; [http://www.contactmusic.com/news.nsf/article/grohl%20wants%20to%20party%20with%20madonna_1029232]

* '''[[w:Kim Gordon|Kim Gordon]]''': &quot;She's strong, beautiful and a manipulator. Qualities which makes her to write great songs.&quot; [http://madonnajam.iespana.es/said.html?0&amp;weborama=-1#sonic]

* '''[[w:Stephen Malkmus|Stephen Malkmus]]''': &quot;She doesn't seem to run out of ideas, does she. I used to love her when I was 14 or so. I had a regular crush on her. I couldn't swear if it was her music that fascinated me, or the generous cleavage. But yeah, she was hot.&quot; [http://www.nyrock.com/interviews/pavement_int.htm].

* '''[[w:Pat Boone|Pat Boone]]''': &quot;[Madonna's] a talented tart.&quot; [http://community.seattletimes.nwsource.com/archive/?date=19901029&amp;slug=1101206]

* '''[[Natasha Bedingfield]]''': &quot;I have so much respect for Madonna after learning how hard it is to sing [&quot;Ray of Light&quot;]. She has an amazing voice - the range you need to sing the song is incredible.&quot; [http://www.madonnatribe.com/news/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=1193]

* '''[[w:Annie Lennox|Annie Lennox]]''': &quot;Lo and behold, Madonna's track came back and she'd sung the second verse, which was a huge bonus. I was really touched - for Madonna is very rigorous in what she gets involved in and for her to do that for me, I was thrilled to bits.&quot; [http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/7027966.stm].

* '''[[w:Ludacris|Ludacris]]''': &quot;Madonna was so low key and so incognito that I hardly noticed her, and when I did it kinda caught me by storm. But honestly speaking, she's a really down to earth, really cool individual. I'm glad I got a chance to meet her – rub some of that energy off!&quot; [http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20223682,00.html?xid=rss-topheadlines]

* '''[[Fergie]]''': &quot;Oh MADONNA! You know, I saw her after her concert and I wanted to give her some positive words but I didn't want to talk too much to her because I understand what it feels like after a show when there's a lot of people in the room who want to see you. I wanted to give her some kind words but I didn't want to take up her time. I really wanted to ask her some more questions but I doubt it would have been as exciting for her as it was for me! But if I ever got the chance to sit down with her I think I'd want to ask her some advice questions and I would love to collaborate with her. That would be amazing.&quot; [http://www.ahlanlive.com/7974-fergie-interview?imgN=0]

* '''[[w:Gwen Stefani|Gwen Stefani]]''':
** &quot;She's been nothing but nice to me. She's invited me to her house for dinner and clearly she's a huge inspiration to me musically.&quot; [http://www.exposay.com/gwen-stefani-says-madonna-invited-her-over-for-dinner/v/6447/]
** &quot;Some people say that I copy her, But show me one girl my age who was not influenced by her.&quot; [http://www.contactmusic.com/new/xmlfeed.nsf/mndwebpages/stefani%20i%20didnt%20copy%20madonna]
** &quot;My grandpa first moved to Detroit from Rome. And my dad's mom's younger sister's husband's mother is a Ciccone [like Madonna].&quot; (Gwen Stefani claiming to be related to Madonna.) [http://www.anecdotage.com/index.php?aid=15727]
** &quot;A lot of my influence came from her early work, like directly, like a Xerox.&quot; [http://fametastic.co.uk/archive/20070111/4100/gwen-stefani-madonna-was-my-influence-but-not-impressed/]

* '''[[w:Donna De Lory|Donna De Lory]]''': [http://www.deanpiper.com/index.php/interviews/donna-de-lory-exclusive-interview]
** &quot;Pat knew our voices were going to be really good together so he asked us to do the bridge together and we started. She turned her back on me and at one point turned around and was like: “Why aren’t you singing?” and I told her I was and Pat then told her that I was singing and that our voices were in harmony. She then said: “Will you sing on all my records then….” And I was just standing there wondering if I had the job. I got it!&quot; (About auditioning for Madonna).
** &quot;I’ve learned so much from working with her – the power aspect about how to use what you have is an amazing thing. I learn more stuff about myself as I go along.&quot;
** &quot;When I first started working with her I just wanted to be like her – I think I misinterpreted a lot of things. The fame. I just tried to be like her and didn’t do things my own way. It was funny looking back on it.&quot;
** &quot;Madonna gave me some great advice about my own career and really helped me to go for what I wanted to do – not what a record company told me. She always said I could do it.&quot;
** &quot;Madonna wants to make people be a better person now. In the old days it was about her and nothing else – just like I was. We were all self centered. You have to be like that and take those steps to be a better person later down the line. To me you have to grow as you work your way through your life – that’s why we are here. It’s amazing that she can come from that sort of place where she started to being a humanitarian like she is now. Coming from just wanting to be famous and be adored by everything to wanting to love everybody. She’s incredible. It’s a complete turnaround. She wanted to be served by everyone and now she’s serving everyone.&quot;

* '''[[w:Mika|Mika]]''': &quot;Believe me, if I got asked to work with her, I certainly wouldn’t turn it down. Of all the women I’m fascinated by, she’s certainly up there.&quot; [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=19552]

* '''[[w:Stuart Price|Stuart Price]]''':
** &quot;Madonna is one of the kindest and most reasonable people you could hope to meet.&quot; [http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/tm_objectid=16660933&amp;method=full&amp;siteid=94762&amp;headline=madonna-exclusive--it-s-a-special-relationship-name_page.html]
** &quot;She's the perfect guest - but she did spill coffee on my white carpet by knocking a mug off a keyboard. I was amazed at just how well, using only a kitchen towel, she could draw the coffee out of the white carpet. The technique she had was to never rub, just to gently pad the carpet with the kitchen towel.&quot; [http://www.popjustice.com/index.php?option=com_content&amp;task=view&amp;id=188&amp;Itemid=9]
* &quot;You don't produce Madonna, you collaborate with her. She's a really good producer herself and obviously a great writer too. I've never worked with anyone before who is as genuine and as hands on as an artist as Madonna is. She's has her vision and knows how to get it. What's interesting with this one is that she's picked a DJ to make dance tunes for her to make songs, which is exactly what she's been doing since 1983 - hanging out with DJ's and making records.&quot; [http://www.popjustice.com/index.php?option=com_content&amp;task=view&amp;id=188&amp;Itemid=9]

* '''[[w:Ciara|Ciara]]''': &quot;She's a tough lady! She's a megastar, and that [media scrutiny] goes with the territory, But she's definitely put her foot down as a woman over the years and she's proven to be one of the best to me.&quot; [http://www.okmagazine.com/posts/view/9884/]

* '''[[w:Ashanti|Ashanti]]''': &quot;Yeah, Madonna is ''ill''. All the clamps and chains people had on what women can and cannot do — she just broke them. And I really wasn’t up on Madonna until my cousin — who’s six years older than me and my favorite relative on the planet; we’re more like sisters — when I was eight or nine I said, ‘Why you got these posters of that white lady all over your room?’ She's like, ‘This is Madonna!’&quot; [http://popdirt.com/ashanti-gives-props-to-that-white-lady-madonna/8600/]

* '''[[w:Pharrell|Pharrell]]''': &quot;She's a little baby tiger cub on the inside but outside she's as tough as anything. Once you are fighting with her you can't let your guard down, she'd beat your ass to a pulp. She could definetely beat me up. But you know, making Madonna cry has just cemented our relationship. We're tight now. Seriously tight. She's probably the best person I've ever collaborated with.&quot; (Manchester Free Magazine) [http://www.madonnamad.com/blog/?p=31]

* '''[[w:Danja|Danja]]''': &quot;She was cool. She had a dark sense of humor that I can’t explain. She might just say something crazy that you might feel is out of line. But it’s not. It’s just her sense of humor. She was in the studio chilling with us, being open and the whole nine.&quot; [http://blog.rhapsody.com/2008/02/exclusive-danja.html].

* '''[[w:Eric West|Eric West]]''': &quot;A lot of people make her out to be arrogant, and not fan friendly, but I can say otherwise, for such a superstar, she makes you feel as if you’re talking to an old friend.&quot; [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=5011]

* '''[[w:Adam Lambert|Adam Lambert]]''':
** &quot;I met Madonna and that was pretty wild. Most everybody I've met is pretty cool and on the level, but Madonna is just legendary. I was definitely the most starstruck with her. I've been a fan of hers since I was a kid. So that's definitely part of the intimidation factor. [http://tvwatch.people.com/2009/06/16/adam-lambert-star-struck-by-meeting-madonna/]
** I really want to work with Madonna. It doesn't seem like a likely pairing, maybe, but I just think that she is so creative and has such vision and her career has been so long because she has been able to come up with something new and keep people guessing and push people's buttons. I like that she's [[relevant]], she's always the next thing, she's always introducing us to the next wave of pop. I just think it would be an honor to work with her.&quot; [http://www.starpulse.com/news/index.php/2009/06/16/adam_lambert_talks_gay_celebrity_crushes]
** &quot;[Madonna] was incredible. I was a bit intimidated, but she was very, very warm. She gave me some advice on how to deal with the fame and the craziness. She said, 'You know, just keep your eye on the prize. Remember what it is that you want to accomplish. And try to ignore all the other crap'.&quot; [http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/index.jsp?author=lindsay+miller]
** &quot;...Some people freak out. And I'm like, why are you freaking out? I don't get that mentality. I've never felt like that about a celebrity before — except maybe Madonna. When I met Madonna my heart was racing. That's my one experience being star-struck. And I told her, 'I'm freaking out.' And she said, 'Why?' And I said, 'Because you're fucking Madonna.'&quot; [http://justjared.buzznet.com/2009/11/16/adam-lambert-wanda-sykes-out-100-cover-stars]

* '''[[w:Tracy Chapman|Tracy Chapman]]''': &quot;I was trying to make a case for Madonna the other day, saying that she's to be admired for her longevity in a genre that has mostly been for younger acts. Men are able to sustain a career into their 50s and 60s and still present themselves as sex symbols. With women on the other hand, people say, 'Why doesn't she retire?' It's just so unfair. So I have to give props to Madonna.&quot; [http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2008/oct/31/tracy-chapman-women-pop-usa]

* '''[[w:Randy Jackson|Randy Jackson]]''': &quot;Madonna knows the business and her art better than anyone.&quot; [http://www.parade.com/articles/editions/2008/edition_01-06-2008/In_Step_With...Randy_Jackson]

* '''[[Kim Wilde]]''': &quot;I had the top of the charts two years before Madonna came on the scene and stole my thunder. I remember seeing her and thinking, 'Here's trouble'! I'd be lying if I said it didn't get to me, but I never disliked her. And I look at her now and think she's amazing. When I started doing yoga, I was inspired to look after my body. Now I love going for long walks, eating healthily and working out with a trainer.&quot; [http://www.contactmusic.com/news.nsf/article/wilde%20madonna%20stole%20my%20crown_1067173]

* '''[[w:Belinda Carlisle|Belinda Carlisle]]''':
** &quot;I see her at gym quite often. We talk about which aerobics teachers are best. I think I have hyper-gymnasium but she works out much more than I do.&quot; [http://members.tripod.com/planeta_madonna/pagina_nueva_3.htm]
** &quot;I struggled with jealousy when Madonna released her great song 'Papa Don't Preach.' From her True Blue album, it was an instant hit that took radio by storm and soared to number one. But my problem was with Madonna herself, not the music. I looked at her body and thought, 'Oh my God, she looks phenomenal and it's because she's skinnier than me. I have to get that skinny.&quot; [http://boyculture.typepad.com/boy_culture/2010/05/belinda.html|''Lips Unsealed'']

* '''[[w:Robyn|Robyn]]''':
** &quot;Having been a fan of Madonna since I was a little girl, I'm very excited about sharing a stage with her and playing to her audiences…I'm thrilled.&quot; [http://zxlcreative.blogs.com/electroqueer/2008/06/robyn-to-suppor.html]
** &quot;I got a chance to go on tour with Madonna in Europe and like any one who's been a fan of her since the age of ten I was super exited. When I met her at the end of the tour she was really cool and natural. I got a chance to thank her for putting me on and she even told me she was a fan! It was a very special moment I will never forget. She's an icon and a pioneer, but only Madonna can be Madonna. It would be sad to try to copy her model. Times are different nowadays as well. Even if I tried, it would be hard to build what she has achieved in the climate of the music industry today. I learned that next to the president of the United States of America, Madonna must be the most famous person on earth whose every little move is watched by millions and a complete security state is surrounding her! Watching her on stage during the tour I could tell that she was really enjoying herself. She is probably doing exactly what she wants to do and that´s why she is so inspiring. I want to be like that as well, I want to be myself.&quot; (About the experience of being on tour with Madonna on her ''Sticky and sweet'' tour) [http://perezhilton.com/2008-10-11-a-few-words-from-robynon-madonna#respond]

* '''[[Simon Cowell]]''':
** &quot;If you look into Madonna's eyes - or Whitney Houston's when she was at her peak - you see something there that other people haven't got. It's a steel, a sense of 'I am going to do it, whatever happens'. It's not necessarily a good character trait to have, but if you are going to make it in this business, you need it.&quot; [http://www.madonnatribe.com/news/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=1370]

* '''[[w:Katy Perry|Katy Perry]]''':
** &quot;Of course I'd have Madonna's. She is the ultimate in female pop music, and she's like the Energizer bunny. Plus, she's got years on me and she looks my age still. She must have sacrificed something or sold her soul in exchange for continuing to be a world dominator in all things pop culture.&quot; (When asked if she could have any musician's career other than her own, whose would it be.) [http://www.popeater.com/2008/06/26/about-to-pop-katy-perry/]
** &quot;It was insane. I freaked out. My eyes swelled up with fluid, with tears, but I didn't cry. I was just very excited.&quot; (About when she heard that Madonna is a fan of her track 'Ur So Gay') [http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/music/a119416/katy-perry-wants-advice-from-madonna.html?imdb]
** &quot;Madonna invited me to one of her shows - I was summoned by the queen herself. I went backstage and I am never usually nervous but I lost it. I got so weak in the knees and I thought I was going to throw up. But I needn't have worried. She was cool. She was so petite. She comes up to my chest and I thought she was supposed to be a giant.&quot; [http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/showbiz/a135432/perry-i-nearly-threw-up-on-madonna.html?imdb]

* '''[[w:Randy Newman|Randy Newman]]''': &quot;I once had dinner with Madonna and I wasn't nervous but within about a minute I found myself talking about underwear.&quot; [http://www.romanization.com/personal/randy/LCRNinterview.html].

* '''[[w:Marina Diamandis|Marina Diamandis]]''':
** &quot;Madonna has always been a great icon for me. I felt I could relate to her. She took about five years to get to the point I'm at. I admire her determination and she challenges people as well, which can change our culture.&quot; [http://www.eveningnews24.co.uk/content/eveningnews24/norwich-whats-on-guide/music/story.aspx?brand=ENOnline&amp;category=GoingOutMusic&amp;tBrand=ENOnline&amp;tCategory=xWhatsOn&amp;itemid=NOED12%20Feb%202010%2011%3A19%3A41%3A803]
** &quot;I read every biography on Madonna. It wasn’t just about getting tips. I felt connected with Madonna from a very young age. I think I share a lot of qualities from her personality. I really respect her.&quot; [http://www.starpulse.com/news/Stephanie_Nolasco/2011/04/14/marina_and_the_diamonds_talks_burger_q]

* '''[[w:Jason Derulo|Jason Derulo]]''':
** &quot;Madonna is the sexiest woman in the world – it’s her confidence and as she gets older she seems to get sexier.&quot; [http://www.mirror.co.uk/celebs/celebs-on-sunday/2010/02/14/who-are-the-sexiest-women-on-the-planet-115875-22033195/]
** &quot;I’d have to say it’s Madonna. She’s done a very good job of reinventing herself time and again. She’s been able to stand the test of time with every record, and she’s a new person every decade. That’s what I aspire to.&quot; (When asked who's the person he looks up to in terms of plotting out your career). [http://derulodaily.com/?p=617]

* '''[[Craig David]]''': &quot;Madonna is still sexy and cool. She’s had such an amazing career and has always been able to re-invent herself time and time again, and it’d be fascinating to chat to her about that over a couple of drinks.&quot; [http://www.mirror.co.uk/celebs/celebs-on-sunday/2010/02/14/who-are-the-sexiest-women-on-the-planet-115875-22033195]

* '''[[Bette Midler]]''': &quot;She has pulled herself up by her own bra-straps... and has been known to let them down occasionally&quot;. [http://skin.bebo.com/Profile.jsp?MemberId=8456631253]

* '''[[Carole King]]''': &quot;I think Madonna has a great deal of intelligence and capability. I have a lot of respect for her. She's taken her career and maximized it with intelligence and creativity.&quot; [http://www.quotesstar.com/quotes/i/i-like-her-boss-and-155186.html].

* '''[[w:Matthew Bellamy|Matthew Bellamy]]''': &quot;Ambition - whenever I hear the word, in my head, all I can think of is Madonna, for some reason. Very ambitious person and a great artist, certainly explores many avenues to get her name out there. I think she’s a very special lady.&quot; [http://allaboutmadonna.com/2009/09/matthew-bellamy-muse-talks-about-madonna.php]

* '''[[w:David Foster|David Foster]]''':
** &quot;Madonna was great to work with because — I never really understood her mystique although I always liked her music. We met in New York, had dinner to discuss the album. And there was something so intoxicating about her. We were just the two of us at dinner and I was looking at her going, ‘Wow, she totally sucks you into her world. It’s like there’s nobody else in the restaurant.’ She had a great work ethic. A lot of artists, they want to be co producers just because they can. She wanted to be a co producer, but she earned it. She really knows her way around a studio. She works hard.&quot; [http://allaboutmadonna.com/2005/05/david-foster-talks-about-madonna.php]
** &quot;Working with Madonna was an amazing experience for me. She is such a professional, always on time, her work ethic is unbelievable. I had a great time with her.&quot; [http://www.popeater.com/2009/10/07/david-foster-on-whitney-madonna-and-finding-the-next-big-thing/]

* '''[[w:Taylor Momsen|Taylor Momsen]]''': [http://www.wwd.com/markets-news/taylor-momsen-talks-madonna-fashion-and-music-3197115?module=today]
** &quot;She's amazing. All her songs are so great. They’re so well crafted and really perfect, pure, pop genius. I'm a big fan of &quot;Papa Don't Preach.&quot; I love that song. But really all of it is fantastic. She was the one who did it all first. She gave people like me an avenue to do what I'm doing. She was the one who started all the controversy to begin with.&quot;
** &quot;She was very down to earth. It was nice to see after all her success, she's still very grounded. It was cool to see her interaction with Lourdes. She's a cool mom. She shot a couple of the photographs herself at the end. She definitely has a vision and was very hands-on. It was really easy working with her. She's very comfortable to be around — very professional but a lot of fun.&quot;

* '''[[M.I.A.]]''':
** &quot;Once I discovered pirate radio, that’s what I grew up on. I was listening to Madonna and Paula Abdul and then I heard Public Enemy and Roxanne Shante. It was like, “Woah, what’s going on?” That really blew my mind. Then hearing Jamaican pirate radio—that was really exciting. Hearing Supercat and Mad Cobra seemed really amazing to me.&quot; [http://www.hyphenmagazine.com/magazine/issue-6-makeover/rebel-girl]
** &quot;Madonna was truly unique.&quot; [http://www.nytimes.com/2010/05/30/magazine/30mia-t.html?pagewanted=9&amp;_r=1]
** &quot;Madonna is the one. Madonna did amazing songs. She had an amazing sense of style, without a stylist. And she was flawed, and sometimes she admitted it. I’ll fight the fight for Madonna. [http://www.nytimes.com/2010/05/30/magazine/30mia-t.html?pagewanted=2&amp;_r=1]
** &quot;Everybody was giving me Madonna records and then everyone was like you should listen to this and try and dress like it and I just never looked like Madonna because I was brown. So I decided to dress like Chuck D instead.&quot; [http://misc.vassar.edu/archives/2008/04/exclusive_inter.html]
** &quot;...The first house we stayed in and I watched 'Top of the Pops' and it was like- woah! It was the first music show that I saw on TV. I saw Madonna, Whitney Houston. It was amazing.&quot; [http://www.desiclub.com/desimusic/desimusic_features/music_article.cfm?id=202]

* '''[[w:Adam Ant|Adam Ant]]''': [http://thequietus.com/articles/04165-adam-ant-interview-oasis-lady-gaga-madonna-punk]
** &quot;There'd be no Gaga without Madonna so let's put it in fucking perspective…&quot;
** &quot;...Madge was doing that when I was doing it, you know? I saw Madonna outside the Music Machine before she even made it. I was doing a gig with the band in like '79. There was this chick outside from New York going 'I'm going to be a star' and it was her! And she's got some fucking balls you know?&quot;
** &quot;She's done as much as Dietrich did for fucking Hollywood stars. She's gone in and said 'Alright. I've been raped. Someone fucking stuck his dick in my gob in a back alley. I got up from that and I went in there and I had a big fight. And I won.' She fucking won, good luck to the woman.&quot;

* '''[[Jessica Simpson]]''': &quot;I think people are ready to hear something that Madonna used to do. We all need to hear that every now and again. It wasn't a sample or something I meant to do, but she did influence me and still does today. I hope to have the longevity of her career.&quot;[http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1537645/20060801/simpson_jessica.jhtml].

* '''Tracy Young''': [http://blogs.miaminewtimes.com/crossfade/2010/12/dj_tracy_young_talks_real_hous.php]
** &quot;It’s hard to pick a favorite. [But] I would have to say Madonna. She is someone I really admire, look up to musically and career-wise. Every choice Madonna has made is mind-blowing to me&quot;. [when asked who's her favorite artist to work with]
** &quot;It was symbolic in some ways. I am in a field where you hear “No” a lot, especially because of my gender. So when Madonna and I started working together, it was like, “Yeah, I did it.” And her wedding was an honor to perform at because I felt like she trusted me [with] one of the biggest days of her life. I was completely honored and, to be honest, really nervous&quot;. [about DJing at Madonna's wedding]

* '''[[w:Christian Thielemann|Christian Thielemann]]''': &quot;I find this woman fascinating. Not just musically... I’d like to get to know Madonna a whole lot better.&quot; [https://archive.is/20130628111312/www.artsjournal.com/slippeddisc/2011/01/heres_the_date_from_hell.html].

* '''[[w:John Benitez|John Benitez]]''': &quot;My first impression on meeting Madonna? I thought she had a lot of style. And she crossed over a lot of boundaries 'cos everyone in the rock clubs played her, the black clubs, the gay, the straight... and very few records have that appeal.&quot; [http://books.google.co.il/books?id=Cjea8TsM0hkC&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;source=gbs_ge_summary_r&amp;cad=0#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false].

* '''[[Kurt Cobain]]''': &quot;In a way I respect Madonna for the things she introduced because she introduced some subversive things and it has nothing to do with sex as far as I'm concern, I'm talking about the introduction to the vogue dance which originated in the gay clubs in 80', and she was always supportive of stuff like that which I think is really cool.&quot; [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dDXp8KiAeDk]

* '''[[Shirley Manson]]''': &quot;I turned round and it's Madonna, and I'm thinking, 'Fucking hell, it's Madonna!' But I say 'hi' and she grabs my hand and she gives me the famous blink and says, 'I think you're amazing' in that tiny voice she has. And I'm thinking, 'OK, try and be cool, this is possibly the biggest pop icon of our life, be cool'. I tried to say something even remotely understandable and instead just garbled my words. I had high heels on and I hardly ever wear high heels, and I lurched towards her, and I could see the alarm on her face, thinking 'who the hell is this?' And I lurched off flustered without even saying goodbye. I always blow my big moments&quot; [http://www.garbage2.com/shirl_madonna.htm].

* '''[[Kelly Osbourne]]''': &quot;I've always been a huge, huge, huge fan of Madonna, but it completely changed my whole opinion of her -- made me like her even more once I met Lola because she's done a fantastic job with her. Madonna is one of my idols and my first single I ever released was a cover of 'Papa Don't Preach.' To have it come full circle -- now I'm actually doing something with her and her daughter -- it's just kind of like... ahhh!&quot;&quot; [http://omg.yahoo.com/news/kelly-osbourne-sings-madonnas-praises-shes-done-a-fantastic-job-raising-lourdes/57083]

* '''[[Lady Gaga]]''':
** &quot;She's the Queen, super theatrical and dramatic on stage, just like Pop Opera. And Madonna...I mean who can really mess with Madonna? Nobody! No, her stage, her videos are always amazing, and her visuals. It's about more than just the music. It's about the passion, it's about the whole package.&quot; [http://madge-tribe.blogspot.com/2008/08/lady-gaga-loves-madonna.html]
** &quot;There is really no one that is a more adoring and loving Madonna fan than me. I am the hugest fan personally and professionally.&quot; [http://omg.yahoo.com/news/lady-gaga-addresses-born-this-way-comparisons-to-madonnas-express-yourself-reveals-madonna-has-approved-of-new-song/56412]
** &quot;Madonna is the queen. I have so much and adoration for her. Being compared to her is unbelievably flattering, but in truth there is no one that can compare with Madonna. She is the queen!&quot;[http://ibnlive.in.com/news/i-cant-wait-to-come-to-india-lady-gaga/143405-45-75.html].

* '''[[w:Paul Oakenfold|Paul Oakenfold]]''': &quot;Madonna was without doubt one of the best artists I have ever worked with. She had so many fantastic ideas and really took her music seriously. You can tell that with Madonna, everything is about the music. She's a global name but still works tirelessly in the studio, puts on her best possible live gigs and puts 100 per cent into everything she does. &quot;She's really grounded too and easy to work with.&quot; [http://entertainment.stv.tv/music/266265-madonna-works-tirelessly-in-the-studio/]

* '''[[w:Brooke Candy|Brooke Candy]]''': &quot;She's so smart, I want to follow in her footsteps.&quot; [http://www.mtv.co.uk/brooke-candy/news/brooke-candy-interview]

* '''[[w:Alison Goldfrapp|Alison Goldfrapp]]''': 
** &quot;I'm always quite starstruck. The first time I met Madonna, I couldn't actually get off the chair to shake her hand. It must have appeared really rude but it was because I was totally gobsmacked that she'd just walked in and made a beeline for me. I don't think I actually managed to get any words out; I just sort of froze and grinned inanely.&quot;
** &quot;I don’t like Madonna’s music, but she’s an amazing pop star,’ she says. ‘She’s brilliant at borrowing other people’s ideas.&quot;

===Film and Television Industry===
* '''[[Marlene Dietrich]]''': &quot;I played vulgar, she ''is'' vulgar.&quot; (Marlene refused to meet Madonna, who wanted to remake ''The Blue Angel'' in the 80s.) &lt;ref&gt; Steven Bach, ''Marlene Dietrich: Life and Legend'' &lt;/ref&gt;
* '''[[w:Ashton Kutcher|Ashton Kutcher]]''': &quot;Madonna has a project in Malawi where she has genuinely affected the lives of about 250,000 children who are orphaned. I think that's a pretty generous person, not someone who should be criticized. That sort of generosity is pretty admirable.&quot; [https://archive.is/20130629220955/www.monstersandcritics.com/people/news/article_1401452.php/Ashton_Kutchers_generous_Madonna]

* '''[[w:James Franco|James Franco]]''': &quot;After our kiss, Sean texted Madonna and said, 'I just popped my cherry kissing a guy. I thought of you. I don't know why.' &quot; [http://www.out.com/detail.asp?page=3&amp;id=24151 ''Out'' magazine].

* '''[[w:Tony Ward|Tony Ward]]''': [http://rickcastro.com/tonyward.html]
** &quot;THAT LADY. I was never a fan. I saw her in that silly Lucky Star video in the early days of MTV, and I knew I would be reunited with my mother/ lover/ teacher/ friend/ bitch/ cheater/ liar/ goddess/ student/ poetess/ angel/ pain/ tears/ broken-heart/ inspiration/ intrigue/ and human awe. We fell hard immediately too much, too soon for the both of us. In the end, when you love something, let it go.&quot;
** &quot;Madonna as a talent? Superior to all; she is a classic. I wish she would sing the standards. That is what her voice is made for. When she would sing around the house, I would close my eyes and melt. I was so privileged to be there.&quot;
** &quot;She never knew how I really felt with her, and to put all the stories straight, those unauthorized biographies are all full of lies. You dummies, don't buy it. I was not her toy-boy, or a gift to her from her brother. We just happened to be in the right place at the right time. I love you always, lady.&quot;

* '''[[Susan Sarandon]]''': &quot;The history of women in popular music can, pretty much, be divided into before and after Madonna.&quot; [http://womenshistory.about.com/od/quotes/a/madonna_5.htm].

* '''[[George Clooney]]''': &quot;She's probably everybody's high watermark about learning how to reinvent yourself every few years and continue to stay alive. She without a question the absolute best at that. And she's nice, I like her; she's a friend. She's seems to handle things really well; people can be really tough on you on &amp; off at times and she seems very good at handling it.&quot; [http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x6gk0r_gwyneth-paltrow-and-george-clooney_news]

* '''[[w:Warren Baetty|Warren Baetty]]''': &quot;Madonna is simultaneously touching and more fun than a barrel of monkeys. She's funny and she's gifted in so many areas and has the kind of energy as a performer that can't help but make you engaged.&quot; [http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_38T64sfKt3Y/Smo6ku3b8iI/AAAAAAAAGI4/vBPrisYisSY/s1600-h/us_loose_talk_Scan10102.jpg]

* '''[[Ethan Hawke]]''': &quot;She transcended being a pop star. She drew international attention and shone the spotlight on a level of racism and the need for greater education.&quot; [http://web.archive.org/web/20091113172149/news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20091031/ap_on_en_ot/eu_romania_ethan_hawke_2]

* '''[[w:Dita Von Teese|Dita Von Teese]]''': &quot;Madonna is the only modern celebrity who is truly a style icon. Who else has the audacity to dress like her these days? She really influenced how I wanted to look when I was growing up, and made me realize that I didn’t have to look like a blond beach bunny or a Playboy model.&quot; [http://www.contactmusic.com/news.nsf/article/von%20teese%20madonna%20inspired%20me%20to%20be%20individual_1037902]

* '''[[w:Esther Rantzen|Esther Rantzen]]''': &quot;I get surprised by the venom that I hear expressed about Kabbalah. I think part of it is Madonna-envy.&quot; [http://www.mirror.co.uk/celebs/3am/wickedwhispers/2008/07/26/esther-rantzen-backs-pop-queen-madonna-over-kabbalah-115875-20671432/]

* '''[[Tom Hardy]]''': &quot;When we had a break Guy asked if I'd like to meet the wife as she was in the car park and he knew I was a fan. So off we trotted. To be honest, I had the shock of my life. There she was in the back of her Range Rover administering a shot of B12 into the arse of Gerald Butler. Believe me. I was completely stunned to be quite honest, stunned - I mean to throw open the door and see that... I knew it would be magnificent to meet her because she's cult - I mean like Elvis - but the last thing I expected to see was her giving Gerard a shot in his bare arse because he wasn't very well. She does it for her dancers, she's trained doing it, so she decided to do it for the actors as well. She was so cool. She just said to Gerard, 'There you go - bosh! That does it.' And while she was doing that she was talking to me about a load of books I should be reading. I was really thrown.&quot; [http://www.mirror.co.uk/showbiz/3am/2007/0...89520-19706938/] [http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/sfgate/detail?blogid=7&amp;entry_id=19888]

* '''[[w:Gerard Butler|Gerard Butler]]''': &quot;She was awesome. She was very, very cool. She played a bit of nurse to me, because I got sick in the middle of the film. She turned up with all these medications. In fact, the first day I met her, she was like, 'So you're the sick one. Take this, take this, take this.' The infection was in my throat and chest and I was really run down. Madonna thought the whole thing out and helped me get better.&quot; [http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/showbiz/a97990/madonna-nursed-gerard-butler-on-film-set.html].

* '''[[w:Benjamin Bratt|Benjamin Bratt]]''': &quot;Madonna is one of the only people in the world that can make a straight woman become gay, or a gay man become straight.&quot; [http://www.askmen.com/women/singer/5_madonna.html].

* '''[[David Tennant]]''': &quot;She's quite extraordinary. When I was 14, the first single I ever bought was &quot;Like a Virgin&quot;. She was kind of my sexual awakening. I had some full-on posters of her on my wall. I don't know what my parents thought. She still looks damn fit.&quot; [http://www.contactmusic.com/news.nsf/article/tennant%20madonna%20responsible%20for%20my%20sexual%20awakening_1010988]

* '''[[Miley Cyrus]]''': &quot;Madonna always reinvents herself, and that's what I want to do. Whatever comes my way that sounds good, that's what I want to do. Whether it's designing clothes or photography or whatever.&quot; [http://www.contactmusic.com/news.nsf/article/cyrus%20i%20want%20to%20be%20the%20next%20madonna_1073345]

* '''[[w:Dakota Fanning|Dakota Fanning]]''': &quot;I got to meet her one time and she’s so beautiful in person. I’ve never seen her in concert but I would love to, on her tour. But she’s amazing and I hope that she goes for many, many more years.&quot; [http://itn.co.uk/news/b8851c0f0e02b4adc6f0321ff907fa30.html].

* '''[[Hilary Duff]]''': &quot;Oh, [I'm] definitely [a fan]. I grew up listening to Madonna. It feels surreal getting to do a cover of &quot;Material Girl&quot;. It's such a great dance song.&quot; [http://popdirt.com/hilary-duff-on-madonna/40115/]

* '''[[w:Glenn Close|Glenn Close]]''':
** &quot;I admire Madonna. she has so much energy and it's very inspiring to watch someone like that. I have her Confessions album playing a lot in my dressing room, you know, singing and rolling my arms to Hung Up gets me in the mood to go shout at people as Patty Hewes.&quot; [http://madge-tribe.blogspot.com/2009/03/glen-close-on-madonna.html]
** &quot;The album that I have probably played to death though is Madonna ''Confessions on a Dance Floor'', its just such a joyful album for me all the way through you know…genius, I love it and I think she is a... remarkable person, a strong woman and that's empowering.&quot; [http://madge-tribe.blogspot.com/2009/04/glenn-close-on-madge.html].

* '''[[w:Susan Seidelman|Susan Seidelman]]''': &quot;She is an incredibly disciplined person. During the shoot [of ''Desperately Seeking Susan''] we'd often get home at 11 or 12 at night and have to be back on the set by 6 or 7 the next morning. Half the time the driver would pick Madonna up at her health club. She'd get up at 4:30 in the morning to work out first.&quot; [http://www.people.com/people/archive/article/0,,20090144,00.html].

* '''Andy Bird''':
** &quot;She wasn't at all Madonna-ish, in a predatory way. She was warm and affectionate and womanly. She's really very normal: a lovely, traditional, sweet person&quot;
** &quot;We were holding hands, she was taking my arm, pretty much from the outset. It all seemed very natural. I'm a romantic anyway, and she's got a very big heart.&quot; [http://www.madonnalicious.com/features/andybird1.html]
** &quot;I used to joke with my friends, 'What do you buy the woman who has everything?' but she was actually really easy to buy presents for. She was always really gracious when she received gifts.&quot;
** &quot;She could wear the tattiest pair of jeans and still look good in them. Often she'd walk round the house in just a Hennes vest and look fantastic. She once said to me if she didn't do what she did, she would love to have been in fashion journalism. She is very creative.&quot; [http://madonnalicious.com/features/andybird2.html]
** &quot;She's certainly not one for regrets, She's very forward-looking and positive, as you can see from what she's achieved in her life.&quot; [http://madonnalicious.com/features/andybird3.html].

* '''[[w:Trudie Styler|Trudie Styler]]''': &quot;Oh, God! Yes, I had a sense that they'd really like each other and really complement each other and I think they do - they're fantastic parents, and they sparkle when they're together. But I'm not a kiss and tell!&quot; [http://www.madonnatribe.com/news/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=1535]

* '''[[w:Ricki Lake|Ricki Lake]]''': &quot;I love that Madonna adopted this baby and has brought so much attention to Malawi. She's my hero.&quot; [http://www.pr-inside.com/lake-builds-malawian-school-r448362.html].

* '''[[w:Emanuela Rossi|Emanuela Rossi]]''': &quot;I'm a big fan of Madonna, I love her music a lot. I like her persona, her ways to reinvent herself, not being the same all the time. I think it's vital and creative for an artist to look for new ways, new looks, different ways to sing but at the same time keeping those qualities that make you unique. Madonna is also a controversial artist that tends to amaze people in every possible way and the same time I think she's a very authentic person. She looks very visceral to me, also in her quests. She has become quite sophisticated over the years but she stays true to herself and still capable to push people's buttons. I think that's the key of her success.&quot; [http://www.madonnatribe.com/news/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=3482]

* '''[[Rosie O'Donnell]]''':
** &quot;She is no symbol. She is human. More brilliant than most. The real deal.&quot; [http://www.rosie.com/askro/default.aspx Rosie's blog]
** &quot;Amazing. Inspiring. Magnificent. Fan freaking tastic. That woman; direct connect. A ray of light, again and again.&quot; [http://www.rosie.com/askro/default.aspx Rosie's blog]
** &quot;When you don't have a mother, you do everything in your power to be a good mother; it's like the goal of your life. And I think she succeeding, definitely do.&quot; [VH1 Behind The Music]

* '''[[Will Smith]]''': &quot;Madonna is in really good shape. I actually get a sexy chill every time I think about Madonna.&quot; [http://www.allheadlinenews.com/articles/7011503569]

* '''[[Al Pacino]]''': &quot;She was doing a dance and she was naked under her coat. Over the course of the dance, she became inspired and opened her coat, and there she was. She has an extraordinarily beautiful body, like cut out of ivory. One day, when I'm old and I'm wheeled out on my porch wrapped in a blanket, if I have a beatific smile on my face, I'll probably be thinking of that.&quot; [http://www.celebritymound.com/?p=1250] [http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/sfgate/detail?blogid=7&amp;entry_id=8532]

* '''[[Rupert Everett]]''': [http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-403659/Rupert-Everett-Madonna--Material-Girl.html] [http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/story?id=2396048&amp;page=1]
** &quot;At 18 I sniffed poppers with Hardy Amies, danced at a nightclub with Rudolf Nureyev and dined in Paris with Andy Warhol and Bianca Jagger. I knew what it was to be drunk on fame by association. Yet everything was a pale imitation of the impact Madonna made on me. We met by chance.&quot;
** &quot;When I first met Madonna she really was one of the only women that whether you were gay or straight or an animal she demanded a sexual response some how, something inside her and everybody was turned on by her, everybody!&quot;
** &quot;She was raucous but poised, elegant but common. She had the cupid-bow lips of a silent screen star, and it was obvious that she was playing with Sean underneath the table throughout the meal.&quot;
** &quot;She was tiny and luscious with long auburn hair, slightly curled. She sat down. Sean’s forget-me-not eyes watered with adoration. Hers were the palest blue, strangely wide-set, any further and she would look insane, or inbred. When they looked in your direction, you froze.&quot;
** &quot;In no way was she conventionally beautiful. She was a bit like a Picasso. When she fixed you with her regard, there was a tenderness and warmth that made your skin bump, but when she looked away, it was like sunbathing on a cold day and suddenly a cloud comes.&quot;
** &quot;She was mesmerizing. She oozed sex and demanded a sexual response from everyone. It didn’t matter if you were gay. You were swept up all the same. In those early years there was no male who would not want to bed her.&quot;
** &quot;...I lost myself in Madonna’s attention and by the end I had fallen in love.&quot;

* '''[[w:Gwyneth Paltrow|Gwyneth Paltrow]]''':
** &quot;She's like an older sister. Everything I have gone through, she went through ten times worse and ten times longer. She gives me good advice about how to say no and take care of myself.&quot; [http://www.elizabeth.actressarchives.com/news.php?id=3072]
** &quot;She’s always been committed to helping. In a big picture way, she’s the most generous person in the world and she’s always thinking about how she can help. Malawi’s become very close to her heart, obviously as her son is from Malawi, and she’s spent a lot of time and dedication doing what she can.&quot; [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=19702]
** &quot;Madonna Ciccone rules the world, is a loyal friend and a terrific mother.&quot; [http://goop.com/newsletter/18]
** &quot;She's a great woman. She's got a lot of wisdom. We just have fun together. She works on herself harder than anybody else I've met. We do share that and we're both public women. We are both perfectionists.&quot; [http://www.contactmusic.com/news.nsf/article/paltrow%20values%20madonnas%20friendship_1068956]

* '''[[Helen Mirren]]''': &quot;The thing that was imposed on me from the outside was crude and vulgar and distressful to me, and disturbing - that big tits, blonde hair, Diana Dors, blowsy kind of thing. (But) I think Madonna got it right. Madonna claimed it for herself, and I've always admired her for that. I loved that 'Sex' book she did. I thought it was fantastic, because it was a big two fingers up, 'This is my sexuality, it's not what you put on me, it's mine'.&quot; [http://fametastic.co.uk/archive/20070124/4306/helen-mirren-i-love-madonnas-brand-of-sexuality/]

* '''[[w:Ricky Gervais|Ricky Gervais]]''': &quot;The Mercer. It's just nice. Really cool. I turned up there last time, and there were about 20 paparazzi going, 'Ricky,' 'Ricky,' 'Ricky.' And I said, 'What are you doin' here?' 'We're here to see you.' I said, 'What [are] you really here for?' And they went, 'Madonna.' They were nice, but I knew the truth. Why would they be there for me?&quot; [https://archive.is/20130630013515/www.nypost.com/seven/01302007/entertainment/travel/celebs_and_the_city_travel_.htm].

* '''[[w:Anthony LaPaglia|Anthony LaPaglia]]''': &quot;I jokingly refer to Madonna being my template in making my decisions, because she’s the best at reinventing herself. Every two years she reinvents herself. [That's why] she still is where she is after 20 years. I think that that’s a smart thing.&quot; [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=17566]

* '''[[w:Charlotte Gainsbourg|Charlotte Gainsbourg]]''': &quot;Madonna was incredibly quick and professional. I was unable to say anything else than 'Hello','I’ll listen to it' and 'Good-bye' [when she asked to use a few lines from &quot;The Cement Garden&quot; for her song, &quot;What it Feels Like for a Girl&quot;]. That was incredibly stupid of me. Madonna was the idol of my youth and I grew up listening to her music.&quot; [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=18126]

* '''[[w:Richard E. Grant|Richard E. Grant]]''':
** &quot;She was very exact and particular about what she wanted as a director and she was very impressive.&quot;[http://www.madonnatribe.com/news/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=672]
** &quot;She is somebody who is so determined to stretch in every direction and I really admire that. Believe me, the number of directors that I have worked with who don't have half her ability makes me believe she has a real talent.&quot;[http://www.telegraph.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml?xml=/opinion/2007/06/10/dp1001.xml].

* '''[[w:Alan Parker|Alan Parker]]''': &quot;She worked out her moves in the mirror the night before we’d shoot. She would work so hard. She was not someone who went out clubbing every night. She was the one who said, ‘I want to be there at 5.30 in the morning so I have enough time to get the hair and make-up right.’ So before the crew had even arrived, she would be there. By the time she arrived at the set she was smiling and she did her job. And she did her job brilliantly.&quot; [http://entertainment.timesonline.co.uk/tol/arts_and_entertainment/film/article1671737.ece].

* '''[[w:Jon Lovitz|Jon Lovitz]]''': [http://www.avclub.com/articles/jon-lovitz,49464/]
** &quot;She would show up and she’d have already run eight miles. And then they’d do the practice and she’d stay after another hour and hit. Her work ethic is fantastic.&quot;
** &quot;I like her a lot. I saw her about five years ago, and I told her, “I feel like my career started with you, and I have a fond place for you in my heart.” And mine did start with her. The first thing I ever did was with her. And she goes, “I know, I feel the same way about you.&quot;

*'''[[w:Susan seidelman|Susan seidelman]]''': &quot;She's the kind of person that really does get up at five in the morning to go swimming. She wasn't at all prima donna-ish. She wasn't one of those people that want to be alone and sit in their trailer the whole time. I think she has much more of a sense of humor that people give her credit for. Too many people take that femme fetale stuff at face value.&quot; [http://books.google.co.il/books?id=Cjea8TsM0hkC&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;source=gbs_ge_summary_r&amp;cad=0#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false].

* '''[[Sarah Jessica Parker]]''':
** &quot;Madonna's probably the most disciplined person around and so I can only pale in comparison. It's just too impressive.&quot; [http://people.monstersandcritics.com/news/article_1341761.php/Food_lover_Sarah_Jessica_Parker]
** &quot;Madonna, she is a strong woman, I met her before her show in New York in 2004, she was amazing, very friendly and super cool, that show was awesome, she is a true icon, had to hold myself back from really stalking her. I so wish we could have got her on the show [''Sex &amp; The city''], she would have been amazing, as for her acting ability, her presence on screen is just mesmerizing, check out her Vogue, Rain and Bad Girl video's, these are some of my favourite Madonna songs and the videos are amazing.&quot; (When asked if there's anybody she admires) [http://madge-tribe.blogspot.com/2008/12/sarah-jessica-parker-on-madonna.html].

* '''[[w:Ellen Pompeo|Ellen Pompeo]]''':
** &quot;For the first time I saw Madonna when she first came out and she was on television talking and singing songs about her mother and how her mother had passed and how sad she was. And it dawned on me 'oh that's what happened to me, my mother died'. And it makes you terribly sad and that's why I'm so unhappy and it's okay to talk about it and it's okay to grieve and I should be sad and I should be upset and I should be allowed to go through these things. So I did go through that process because of Madonna, because I saw her talking about it and singing about it, I was able to understand what happened to me and work through it and use my experiences in my favour to give me a lot of what I draw from when I act.&quot; [http://nz.entertainment.yahoo.com/070620/6/o0b.html]
** &quot;She's the only person I've ever approached - she had such an impact on my life as a kid. She lost her mother too and came on MTV when I was 13 saying it was OK to be sad. Our family had handled my mother's death in a traditional, never-speak-of-her-again kind of way. It was only when I heard Madonna that I thought, 'That's it. I've never really grieved for my mother.' She gave me permission to do that and I wanted her to know how much it had helped me. She's just fantastic.&quot; [http://www.contactmusic.com/news.nsf/article/pompeo%20inspired%20by%20madonna_1006887]

* '''[[w:Kelly Ripa|Kelly Ripa]]''': &quot;I think she's used to people gushing over her and all of that, but I think she quickly sort of came to realize that yes, in fact I do go to every concert. The last concert she did, we made eye contact. Okay, in my mind it was eye contact. Madonna has no recollection, but I know she stared at me. There's something about her. I think she's very clever and witty. She's really funny. She's really down to earth when she's here. And I just love that about her. And I love looking at her because she's a physical specimen. [http://www.ew.com/ew/article/0,,20055234,00.html].

* '''[[w:Debi Mazar|Debi Mazar]]''':
** &quot;We’ve always been friends. Our friendship has always been very deep and... We get into it! We’re both Leo’s, we’re both born in August. But, in terms of being friends, we keep it real.&quot; [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XKRd3btfHiA]

* '''[[Alicia Silverstone]]''': &quot;I'd die if I was Madonna. I'd die. God, what a horrible way to live. And Michael Jackson! To be so famous and to feel so isolated. I feel so bad for them. I don't know how it feels, and I hope it never happens to me.&quot; [http://www.celebrities-photo.com/alicia-silverstone.html].

* '''[[w:Mike Myers|Mike Myers]]''': &quot;It was terrifying, It was like kissing the Eiffel Tower in terms of how famous she is.&quot; [about making out with Madonna for tv skit] [http://www.metro.co.uk/fame/article.html?in_article_id=171680&amp;in_page_id=7&amp;in_a_source=]

* '''[[w:Pedro Almodóvar|Pedro Almodóvar]]''': &quot;When she came with her Blond Ambition tour I prepared a dinner for her, and that little thief didn’t tell us that everything she was recording was going to be part of her film. Madonna was asking for Antonio Banderas’ phone number all the time, because she wanted to screw him and I never gave it to her. When she went out jogging she always had her six bodyguards and I told her: 'Madonna, babe, this kind of things are not very attractive here in Spain.' In this country, that thing about bodyguards is like an offense, nobody is going to shoot Madonna or whoever in Spain. But in United States bodyguards seem to be, like a part of the body of the star. She asked me if I didn't have bodyguards and I said 'I would only have them to fuck them'.&quot; [http://allaboutmadonna.com/2009/03/pedro-almodovar-on-madonna.php]

* '''[[Quentin Tarantino]]''':
** &quot;I’ve always said that Madonna has gotten a bad rap. She was the only actor who knew what she was doing in ‘Dick Tracy’. She was my favorite in ‘A League of Their Own’. If I had something right for her, I would totally cast her.&quot; [http://popdirt.com/quentin-tarantino-wants-madonna-in-one-of-his-movies/27851/]
** &quot;I guess I’ll have to marry Elvis Presley to get even.&quot; (About Guy Ritchie marrying Madonna) [http://alltopmovies.com/top-10-most-outrageous-quentin-tarantino-quotes]

* '''[[w:Rachel Weisz|Rachel Weisz]]''': &quot;I think Madonna’s amazing. She constantly reinvents herself and I just went to see her art show in New York the other day and that was great.&quot; [http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/International_Buzz/Im_incredibly_messyRachel_Weisz_/articleshow/2645117.cms]

* '''[[w:Rex Lee|Rex Lee]]''': &quot;Remember when Madonna was first on American Bandstand and she told Dick Clark she wanted to rule the world? Well I don't want to rule the world, but I want to make my mark on the world... You know what? I'm lying. I do want to rule the world.&quot; [http://www.madonnatribe.com/news/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=1447]

* '''[[Tom Cruise]]''': &quot;I've known Madonna for years. I really admire her.&quot; [http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/2008-02-07-madonna_malawi_N.htm].

* '''[[w:Michael C. Hall|Michael C. Hall]]''': &quot;I caught Madonna live in Miami last year. It was a kick ass show; truly amazing. Her stage presence left me speechless, I just loved it.&quot; [http://madge-tribe.blogspot.com/2009/02/michael-c-hall-on-madonna.html].

* '''[[w:Tim Vincent|Tim Vincent]]''': &quot;I get to meet some very, very beautiful ladies through my job. Madonna is very sexy and she really flirted with me, which was amazing.&quot; [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=19538]

* '''[[w:Rosanna Arquette|Rosanna Arquette]]''': &quot;It suddenly just exploded overnight; you know, she was everywhere. And they started kind of rewriting the script for that, to tailor-make it for her in those moments. And here she is, still at it. She's 50 years old – almost 50 and rocking on. I think that's great.&quot; [http://www.thestar.com/entertainment/Television/article/409956]

* '''[[w:Denise Richards|Denise Richards]]''': &quot;You feel lazy watching her because you gotta get off your butt and just work, [She] is really an inspiration for everyone.&quot; [http://www.usmagazine.com/news/denise-richards-madonna-makes-me-feel-lazy]

* '''[[w:Anthea Turner|Anthea Turner]]''': &quot;I've got a huge amount of respect for Madonna - she's often labeled a control freak but she's just a perfectionist. There's a difference between looking tacky and artistic, and I think Madonna looks incredible. You can celebrate your body whatever age you are - there's no limit.&quot; [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/celebritynews/4348665/Anthea-Turner-does-a-Madonna-in-revealing-photo-shoot.html].

* '''Nathan Rissman''': It was amazing working with Madonna. She does everything 100 per cent, and so to be involved in what she was doing, for her to let me go forward and make this project was amazing. She's been involved creatively on every aspect. She knows pictures, she knows sound, she's really, really good. The most memorable thing about working with Madonna is seeing her in the village - seeing her really letting go of that celebrity status, really spending time with people, getting her feet dirty, and dancing, singing and crying with people. It was amazing to see her take on that new character. Madonna really wanted to bring some awareness to Malawi, and she really believed in me.  [http://www.metro.co.uk/fame/article.html?in_article_id=144651&amp;in_page_id=7&amp;in_a_source=]

* '''[[w:Malin Akerman|Malin Akerman]]''': &quot;I got ice cream cones and put them on my boobs. I wanted to be just like her.&quot; [http://www.style.com/peopleparties/parties/scoop/newyork-101408FILT/]

* '''[[Lindsay Lohan]]''':
** &quot;Timeless. She is just timeless.&quot; [https://archive.is/20130630011433/www.nypost.com/pagesixmag/issues/20081116/Trend+Madonnas+Mad+Mad+World]
** &quot;When I was little, every day after school I would come home and put in her The Immaculate Collection disc and karaoke to it around the whole house.&quot; [http://www.glamour.com/magazine/2009/03/american-icons?slide=9]

* '''[[w:Emmanuelle Seigner|Emmanuelle Seigner]]''': &quot;I like her boss and ultra-feminist side. I hate the concept of &quot;femme-objet&quot;, and the idea that women are still maltreated in certain parts of the world irritates me.&quot; [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=17760]

* '''[[w:Toby Kebbell|Toby Kebbell]]''': &quot;She's gorgeous. A lovely, stunning woman.&quot; [http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20223682,00.html?xid=rss-topheadlines]

* '''[[w:Michael Parkinson|Michael Parkinson]]''': &quot;She turned out to be so bright, frank and funny it made you wonder what the previous debate had been about. Hers is an extraordinary story of determination and hard work and the perfect antidote to the celebrity pap fed to today's wannabes. Anyone wanting to succeed in the music business, or indeed any other business, should watch the interview and learn what it really takes to get to the top.&quot; [http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1065418/Parkinson-Madonna-Robert-Mitchum-drug-offer-I-refuse.html].

* '''Stephen Jon Lewicki''': &quot;That woman has more sensuality in her ear than most women have anywhere on their bodies.&quot; [http://www.fast-rewind.com/making_certainsacrifice.htm].

* '''[[Michael Moore]]''':
** &quot;If we had a royal system she'd be the queen of Michigan and all the Michiganders would Bow down to her, and I'm not kidding. She's a person with a good heart; she does a lot of good for other people. I really admire her.&quot; (From E! News).
** &quot;She's one of the most caring and generous people I've met.&quot; [http://www.record-eagle.com/local/local_story_144100317.html]
** &quot;She spent the past couple of years filming what the people go through, and the efforts to help them, I saw the film  about a month ago. It's a fantastic, powerful movie.&quot; (About the film ''[[w:I Am Because We Are|I Am Because We Are]]'')
** &quot;She's sort of entered my realm. When I saw it [''I Am Because We Are''], I thought, 'Wow, it's like she's been making these films for years.&quot; [http://web.archive.org/web/20121022200541/http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/chi-ap-mi-madonna-moore,0,1510918.story]
** &quot;[She's] one of the smartest people I know.&quot; [I'm] humbled to be able to call Madonna a friend. She has such an incredible heart and such a generous spirit. She does so much out of the glare of the lights to make the world a better place.&quot;
[http://www.freep.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080803/ENT01/808030588] [http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080803/ap_on_en_mu/people_film_festival_madonna]

* '''[[w:Andrea Riseborough|Andrea Riseborough]]''':
** &quot;She's just a lovely woman. My first experience of her was a very nice cup of Earl Grey in a living room in her house. That's how we talked about doing something together and it was really artistically a very complicit relationship throughout.&quot;
** &quot;Madonna has an infectious passion for all sorts of things and she's very worldly. She has a real wisdom.&quot; [http://www.google.com/hostednews/ukpress/article/ALeqM5jqixj8n--BhKFzFCYe5St6VQVSbA?docId=N0422501296235367281A]
** &quot;You may think you know somebody like that. But of course you never really know them until you actually meet them. And she is absolutely wonderful. She is so strong. She is such an endless inspiration.&quot; [http://web.archive.org/web/20110210211115/http://www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/weekend/2011/0205/1224289050405.html].

* '''[[w:Natalie Dormer|Natalie Dormer]]''': &quot;Madonna is a woman of great vision and passion and focus - she is a force to be reckoned with, as you would imagine and she has a brilliant eye.&quot; [http://www.belfasttelegraph.co.uk/entertainment/film-tv/news/dormer-on-madonnas-directing-style-15096546.html#ixzz1F0I2MDOX]

* '''[[w:Christoph Waltz|Christoph Waltz]]''': &quot;It was fantastic (partying with Madonna). Everyone was there. I fought my way through because I mean, this is the hostess, the least I can do is thank her for the invitation. It was difficult, it took me about an hour and a half... In the end, I got there, and apparently I was standing right in front of her. You know, I looked for Madonna and there was this chick dancing, 'Where's Madonna?' (pointing at the girl). That was her, she was dancing like... I thought she was, you know, 23-24.&quot; [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-WP1WWK70fw]

* '''[[w:David Fincher|David Fincher]]''': &quot;Madonna is my Vatican. She’s my Sistine Chapel.&quot; [http://www.madonnarama.com/posts-en/2010/10/12/david-fincher-on-madonna-shes-my-vatican]

* '''[[Marcia Cross]]''': &quot;We used to swim at the same pool. She’d get out and put all this jewelry on - and I’d go home with my wet hair.&quot;

* '''[[w:Julia Roberts|Julia Roberts]]''': “I got her new album – it`s amazing,” she says. “I really respect and admire her.” [http://aboutjulia.com/site/2005/11/julia-roberts-would-love-to-work-with-madonna/]

===Fashion industry===
* '''[[w:Bert Stern|Bert Stern]]''': &quot;Madonna is gorgeous, the most beautiful eyes you ever saw. A little rough around the edges. She's a tough chick. She spits it out. She has her own agenda. It manifests in the pictures.&quot; [http://dir.salon.com/story/sex/feature/2001/08/14/marilyn/index2.html].

* '''[[w:Dolce &amp; Gabbana|Dolce &amp; Gabbana]]''': [http://web.archive.org/20091115135959/madonna-by-letizia.over-blog.com/article-d-g-1-38981426.html]
** &quot;We were in love with her at that time. We always have been. We wondered to ourselves if she’d ever wear Dolce &amp; Gabbana and we’d ever get the opportunity to express our admiration for her in person, let her know how inspiring and express the gratitude that all fans feel when they meet their idol... our idol. An exaggerated word I know, but I think it’s the correct one where Madonna is concerned! The summer came and went, and one day in September our press office received a page from the International Herald Tribune with a photo of Madonna. She was in Paris, dressed in all black and all Dolce &amp; Gabbana. We were incredibly emotional; Domenico and I still consider this moment today as one of the most intensive of our career. It seemed like a lucky gift for two Madonna fans, and we couldn’t ask for more.&quot;
** &quot; We arrived early [to meet Madonna], our legs were shaking, and we were incredibly nervous. At that time you could still smoke inside restaurants, and I must have smoked about half a pack of cigarettes whilst I was waiting. Madonna arrived right on time. She was on the set of the film Dick Tracey then, and arrived dressed as a man with make-up like Marlene Dietrich.&quot;
** &quot;She was sweet and kind, and immediately put us at ease, telling us how much she loved our work, how she loved Italy, and that she was originally from Abruzzo. She was curious to know more about our career, how we’d started, how we worked, where we drew our inspiration from, Sicilian women, Dolce Vita, pop culture and the era of the eighties that had just finished. We didn’t hide our admiration for her for even a minute; we felt a reciprocal kindness, and pretty soon, the lunch developed into one between friends, full of ironic jokes and compliments. We admired her more that we thought possible as fans. We felt like the luckiest fans in the world. We’d met a wonderful person, and above all, a new friend.&quot;

* '''[[w:Christian Audigier|Christian Audigier]]''': &quot;She is really all about the detail. She knows exactly what she likes and is always proposing ideas to us. After that she decides whether she wants to add shoes or other things. She's like me, when it's a, 'Yes,' it's a big, 'Yes.' When it's a, 'No,' it's a definite, 'No!' I like people like that, a lot of people are really critical but never give a solution. She is not like that.&quot; [https://archive.is/20130629215144/www.monstersandcritics.com/lifestyle/fashion/news/article_1487263.php/Madonnas_ageless_clothes%23ixzz0KU9scxSQ&amp;D]

* '''[[w:Jean-Baptiste Mondino|Jean-Baptiste Mondino]]''': &quot;She's John Lennon and Yoko Ono at the same time&quot;. [http://www.buy-web-traffic.net].

* '''[[w:Donatella Versace|Donatella Versace]]''':
** &quot;She's one of the most loyal friends I have. When my brother died, the first person that I got a phone call from was Madonna; she said she's there for me in anything I need.&quot; ([[w:Behind_the_Music|VH1 Behind The Music]])
** &quot;She inspires me a lot. I made all my Winter collection listening to &quot;Confessions on a Dance Floor.&quot;
** &quot;The word 'icon' is overused, but in the case of Madonna I believe it has some meaning. She is a true icon. She has become a symbol of modern womanhood - confident, ambitious, dynamic, constantly reinventing herself. She is also a friend of mine and my late brother Gianni so there is a sense in which she symbolized the way in which Versace was staying true to its DNA, while evolving for the 21st century.&quot; [http://www.thecheers.org/news/Celebrity/news_6956_Donatella-Versace-thinks-Madonna-is-a-symbol-of-modern-womanhood.html].

* '''[[w:Amy Arbus|Amy Arbus]]''': &quot;Madonna just wandered along like everyone else. I recognized her as the girl who went to my gym — as the girl who would sit around naked longest in the locker room. Now that I think back on it, how could either of us have afforded a gym membership? She still had a last name at that point, and when I told her I worked for the ''Voice'', she said, 'Oh, that’s so funny. They’re reviewing my first single this week.' I recently looked back—it only took six frames to get that picture. I just think the look on her face is so prescient—it really has a sense of knowing what’s in store for her.&quot; [http://www.themorningnews.org/archives/galleries/on_the_street/]

* '''[[w:Frida Giannini|Frida Giannini]]''': &quot;Meeting Madonna for the very first time was a shock. She was a myth to me. She was the first poster I hung on my room's wall when I was 14. And then I found herself in front of me, shook her hand. Her immense mediatic power still impresses me. Only to mention that the laminated jacket we made in twelve different versions for her last tour ended up being one of the season's best-sellers would be enough.&quot; [http://www.madonnatribe.com/news/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=1683]

* '''[[w:Jean-Paul Gaultier|Jean-Paul Gaultier]]''': [http://www.madonnalicious.com/images/extra/2008/look_131008.jpg]
** &quot;I proposed to Madonna three times, but she refused all the time. Always in very a polite way. She's the only woman I would ever have married. I find her attractive sexually.
** &quot;She's still provocative and aggressive. She went mystical and does yoga, and she's a good mother, so of course she's changed. She's still rebellious, though. When she doesn't like something, she says it.&quot;

* '''[[w:Jenny Shimizu|Jenny Shimizu]]''':
** &quot;Madonna’s a wonderful woman. When I first got to New York, I knew very little, and she knew all about the city — she was a wonderful kind of tour guide&quot; [http://justjared.buzznet.com/2009/02/26/jenny-shimizu-make-me-a-supermodel/]
** &quot;I actually stayed at Madonna's house in New York City for a short bit when I was in the process of moving between lofts. She let me stay there again, when I moved back to LA and was looking for a place to live. She has a lot of houses all over. So when she's not there or if she's there, she's very kind that way, very generous.&quot; [http://www.giantrobot.com/issues/issue10/jenny/]
** &quot;From the age of 14 I'd watched her videos and thought, ‘I'm going to have sex with that gorgeous woman one day.' For hours we explored each others bodies, kissing every inch. Far from the domineering, sex-crazed woman many think she is, I found her a very gentle lover. It wasn't about whips and chains. Madonna wanted someone she could trust to call when she wanted pleasuring right there and then. I was her secret ‘booty call' available any time of the day or night for secret sex sessions. This woman exuded raw sex appeal and I couldn't get enough of her. I loved the fact I was at this woman's beck and call. It turned me on being ordered to her room whenever she felt like sex.&quot; [http://xrrf.blogspot.com/2006/04/i-was-madonnas-booty-call.html] [http://mypetjawa.mu.nu/archives/173876.php]

* '''[[w:Lee Friedlander|Lee Friedlander]]''': &quot;[She] seemed very confident, a street-wise girl. She told me she was putting a band together but half the kids that age are doing that. She was a good professional model.&quot; [http://web.archive.org/web/20090119070252/news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090116/ap_en_ot/madonna_auction]

* '''[[Marc Jacobs]]'''
** &quot;I wanted the campaign to be very bold, very sensual and very atmospheric. To carry off all these references and all this sophistication, we needed the ultimate performer and for me, that is Madonna.&quot; [http://fashion.glam.com/blogs/fashiontribes_daily/madonna_strikes_the_pose_for_louis_vuitton/?cat=Fashion]
** &quot;I was totally just blown away by it, and moved by her performance, by what she had to say, and her energy. She’s so sure of herself as an icon and as a woman. What fascinates me the most about her is her never-ending energy, and the idea of becoming and changing. She’s an artist who’s unafraid to use her voice.&quot; [http://www.wwd.com/media-news/fashion-memopad/madonna-and-marc-mslo-exit-1877806] (About the desire to hire Madonna in Louis Vuitton's fashion advertising campaign after attending her [[w:sticky and Sweet Tour|Sticky &amp; Sweet]] concert).

* '''[[w:Natassia Malthe|Natassia Malthe]]''': &quot;I'm a fan of Madonna's. I've followed her since I was 10. I'm a huge fan of hers - which woman isn't? She's such a strong person, she's just so different from anybody else. She's sustained herself in this business. I go to everything that is Madonna, she is just an amazing human being.&quot; [http://www.dailystar.co.uk/gossip/view/35994/Madonna-documentary-premieres-in-NY/]

* '''[[w:Steven Klein|Steven Klein]]''': &quot;[Madonna] is very clear, surprisingly focused in conceiving innovative pictures. When you think about it you never see her back, you rarely see anyone's back in a photograph and it's fascinating to show its muscular structure&quot;. [http://entertainment.timesonline.co.uk/tol/arts_and_entertainment/visual_arts/article1310737.ece].

* '''[[w:Fabian Baron|Fabian Baron]]''': &quot;She's very imposing and knows what she wants. She's very informed and opinionated, which makes her genius. She takes you in and swallows you up—and you don't mind it, you actually enjoy it. There's an unspoken seduction that goes on. I was young, She was young, too, and beautiful. She knows what she's doing. And such drive. Some people want to lift stones and see what's under it. She'll be on a beach with millions of stones and want to lift every one of them.&quot; [http://www.hintmag.com/hinterview/fabienbaron/fabienbaron2.php]

* '''[[w:Herb Ritts|Herb Ritts]]''': &quot;I've always said that if you didn't know Madonna necessarily, you'd still be curious about the woman in the photograph.&quot; [http://www.herbritts.com/about/interview/?page=04]

===Publishing industry===
* '''[[w:Gregory David Roberts|Gregory David Roberts]]''': &quot;She was so unfussy. I think the thing about Madonna is that she's tremendously intelligent. She's fiercely intelligent; she's very sharp, very funny, very witty, very quick and will not accept second best. She will pick you up immediately in a conversation and defend her position and will put it forward with a rigorous intelligence. I think it's intimidating to a lot of people - I love it! For me it can't get any better than that, so I loved that about her, but I do think a lot of people are intimidated by her and reading it as something that it's not. It's simply a fierce intelligence. She's one of the smartest people you could ever meet.&quot; [http://edition.cnn.com/video/#/video/international/2009/06/18/rao.ta.shantaram.cnn?iref=videosearch]

* '''Jeffrey Fulvimari''': &quot;There is only one thing to do with someone as special as Madonna....celebrate her. She told us so in one of her very first songs! But, mostly, she gives us something more to adore every year, and aside from making huge hits, her work in Malawi is something for everyone to emulate. Working with her is a dream come true!!! She has Never ever treated me in any other way but professionally, and with respect. I mean, gosh when the Queen of Pop loves what you do, there's no better feeling!! I really concentrate on the fact that these books are bringing a better life to those most in need in the world, and until more celebrities (and celebrity photographers) step up and do the charitable works she is doing, they cannot speak an ill word about her. People need to stop copying her videos and performances, and copy what really means the most to her...'Raising Malawi'! That's what it's all about!&quot; [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=jeffrey_fulvimari]

* '''[[w:Lucy O'Brien|Lucy O'Brien]]''':
** &quot;I feel that she has constantly conveyed a message of empowerment to women - that women don't have to seek approval before doing something, that they can be bold and brave and fulfill their potential - and that's very inspiring. She has also been vocal in her support of gay politics and latterly, has become involved in the fight against global poverty. In pop culture terms, she has been hugely influential - very few pop artists are so determined and outspoken. [http://www.madonnatribe.com/idol/lucy_obrien.htm]
** &quot;Madonna is a force of nature above and beyond the art she creates. It is as if we consume her rather that her music, even when her music is great.&quot; [http://madonnajam.iespana.es/said.html?0&amp;weborama=-1#qm].

* '''[[Paulo Coelho]]''': &quot;Today is late Sunday and I just returned from the show of Madonna. And what did I see? A young 50 year-old dancing like a child, a queen, a teenager. It got me thinking about the fact that I believe we are aging differently from the previous generations. I remember for instance my parents at the age of 50 and they were already old, and more importantly they considered themselves as already old.&quot; [http://paulocoelhoblog.com/2008/09/22/madonna-and-us/]

===Live entertainment===
* '''Christopher Flynn''': &quot;She was kind of far-out. One of the best students I've ever had, a very worldly sort of woman even as a child. We would go to gay bars, and she and I would go out and dance our asses off. People would clear away and let her go.&quot; [http://www.people.com/people/archive/article/0,,20090144,00.html].

* '''[[w:Camille Barbone|Camille Barbone]]''': [http://community.seattletimes.nwsource.com/archive/?date=19911105&amp;slug=1315402]
** &quot;Madonna loves beautiful women and she is into anyone sexually, male or female, who is beautiful.&quot;
** &quot;She loves sex and would go after any man she wanted. There's a strong maleness in Madonna. She seduces men the way men seduce women.&quot;
** &quot;Men were always overwhelmed by Madonna. She's seductive and alluring. She has an amazing ability to manipulate men, based on her sensuality and the possibility of sexual favors. The entourage of young men she had hanging around was just waiting to get into bed with her. But she was a great tease. She kept them at a distance, but always interested and intrigued.&quot;

* '''[[w:Bernard Manning|Bernard Manning]]''': &quot;Madonna? Lovely. Oh yes. Nice skin. You could tell she wasn't a scrubber.&quot; [http://www.highbeam.com/doc/1G1-82635173.html].

* '''[[Sandra Bernhard]]''': &quot;...I run into [Madonna] all the time, so it's not like there's any irresolvable strangeness. I like to think of the time when we were hanging out as the end of an era. We played out our friendship in the public forum, but it wasn't drunken or irresponsible airheads hanging out - she's a smart lady and I'm obviously my own brand of intellectual.&quot; [http://observer.guardian.co.uk/magazine/story/0,,2153856,00.html].

* '''[[w:Jonathan Ross|Jonathan Ross]]''': &quot;Madonna, the original MILF.&quot; [http://mario.jaiku.com/presence/6234543]

* '''Carlton Wilborn''': [http://www.madonnatribe.com/idol/carlton.htm]
** &quot;Madonna was really a Lady to me. At least how she dealt with me, I don't know how any of the other dancers felt about her. Inside of her rigid perfectionist, artistic brain there was a real elegance about her. The way that she lived her private life... that's one of the things I was surprised by. I would have thought that she would have had a much more avant-guard private life and she really didn't at all. She was very classy in her private life.&quot;
** &quot;My fondest memory of Madonna has nothing to do with tours. My fondest memory of Madonna happened in 1995 when I was having a really hard time in my career, Madonna became aware of that and she allowed me to live for a few months in the castle that she had in Hollywood. I stayed there three months, she was out of town for the majority of that time. I will always be in debit to Madonna no matter what. It was a real hard time for me and she reached out in a way she really didn't have to. She could have helped me in other ways but the fact that she truly, truly, let me know that she trusted me in her personal space at that degree really meant a lot to me.&quot;

* '''[[w:Sofia Boutella|Sofia Boutella]]''': &quot;Amazing. It was really hard work, but it has helped me to know myself a little bit more, I really like Madonna because she is a tireless worker.&quot; [http://www.madonnatribe.com/news/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=1214]

* '''[[w:Criss Angel|Criss Angel]]''': &quot;Madonna is a tremendous example of someone who went to NY with couple of dollars in her pocket and an enormous dream to conquer the world. She did whatever she had to do until she hit the big time. I admired her commitment and determination. She clearly understood what her market wanted in a performer. She's a great example of someone who developed a unique style, look, and brand and then marketed herself as a total package, filling a void that everyone else bought in to and tried to copy. She's an innovative genius.&quot; [http://i37.tinypic.com/j9lyiq.jpg]

* '''[[w:Dennis Rodman|Dennis Rodman]]''': ''Bad as I Wanna Be''
** &quot;Whenever I was with her I always knew I was around a woman who had power and knew how to wield it. She is a big-time businesswoman, and she knows exactly what she wants.
** &quot;She's a great lady. If you watch her on TV or in her videos, you get the perception of her as a real hard person who says &quot;Fuck&quot; for twenty minutes on David Letterman. In person, she's nothing like that. I don't remember her swearing to excess when we were out together. She always handled herself elegantly.&quot;

* '''[[w:Florence Foresti|Florence Foresti]]''': [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=17976]
** &quot;Madonna's my idol and the incarnation of the ultimate star, with what we can imagine of requirement, dictatorship.&quot;
** &quot;Each year, I wait for three rendez-vous with same impatience: Woody Allen's last movie, the CD or the concert by Madonna and the new book by Philippe Djan.&quot;
** &quot;Since I am a teenager, I am a fan of Madonna. I admire her determination, her talent, I know her career by heart. To prepare this parody, I saw a documentary again, in order to prepare the expressions of her face. I put the accent on her Diva side, whose desires are orders. A little jacket, a leotard, shoes, I copied her look from her album &quot;Confessions on a Dance Floor&quot;, inspired by the beginning of the eighties. Dressed as my idol, I was happy as a kid who put a costume of Superman!&quot;

* '''[[w:Jamie King|Jamie King]]''': &quot;She's confident, sensual and strong, but I like to bring out her vulnerability as well.&quot; [http://www.madonnalicious.com/images/extra/2007/thedailynews_020407.jpg]

* '''Yuki Matsumoto''': &quot;Madonna inspires creativity and expressions beyond gender, religion, race, nationality, culture and all borders. &quot;Madonna’s philosophy and originality always invigorates the world audience every time she produces a new album. Conventions and trends are challenged and redefined for the new values. &quot;Madonna is in sync with nature and balances her lifestyle to achieve her best physical and mental conditions. Her ever innovative spirits are in tune with her respect of nature. Despite her celebrity and never ending professional activities, Madonna always says FAMILY FIRST. Love and respect for all those who are dear to her are the most important values in life.&quot; [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&amp;file=article&amp;sid=17360]

===Religious Institutions===
* '''[[w:Church of England|Church of England]]''':
** &quot;Is Madonna prepared to take on everything else that goes with wearing a crown of thorns?&quot; [http://godsstory.3story.org/stories/post/2006/08/11/madonna]
** &quot;Why would someone with so much talent feel the need to promote herself by offending so many people?&quot;  [http://www.secularism.org.uk/queenofcontroversyhitsthehotbutt.html].

* '''[[w:Jorge Medina|Jorge Medina]]''', Cardinal of the [[w:Roman Catholic Church|Roman Catholic Church]]
** &quot;This woman comes [to Santiago, Chile for her &quot;Sticky &amp; Sweet Tour&quot;], and in an incredibly shameless manner, she provokes a crazy enthusiasm, an enthusiasm of lust, lustful thoughts, impure thoughts.&quot; [http://web.archive.org/web/20081214095954/http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5jEslaEheEX0WsVn48IvUBZkpqr7AD9502LH83]
** &quot;The atmosphere in our city is pretty agitated because this woman is visiting and with incredibly shameful behavior provokes a wild and lustful enthusiasm. Thoughts of lust, impure thoughts, impure acts, are an offense to God and a dirty stain on our heart.&quot; [http://in.news.yahoo.com/137/20081211/778/tod-lustful-madonna-offends-god-says-chi.html]

===Political Field===
* '''[[Nicolas Sarkozy]]''': &quot;The French like burgers, Madonna and Miami Vice.&quot; [http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/05/06/AR2007050600644.html].

* '''[[Al Gore]]''': &quot;I appreciate and respect her as an artist and as a person.&quot; [http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2-2007280084,00.html].

* '''Dr. Peter van Ham''': &quot;NATO should follow the Madonna-curve, and not wait till its controversies escalate into public wrangles. The argument that tinkering on the edges will do since all challenges can be dealt with one at a time simply does not hold. To be successful, NATO needs a package-deal of painful compromises, where each member state has to give and take. This requires a comprehensive reform effort which only a new strategic concept offers. The quality of adapting to new tasks whilst staying true to one’s own principles is something which business analysts qualify as the Madonna-curve. This curve is named after the legendary pop-diva who reinvented herself each time her style and stardom went into inevitable decline, but whose audacity has lifted her up to ever higher levels of [[relevance]] and fame.&quot; [http://www.nato.int/docu/review/2008/03/ART5/EN/index.htm].

===Other===
*  Pipe bands greeted the Queen and the Queen mother when they visited us and a few people turned out. But everybody appeared to see this woman Madonna. She had them all in the palm of her hand.
** Jim Matheson [http://edition.cnn.com/2000/SHOWBIZ/Music/12/22/madonna/]

* I think she glows, she's an amazing performer and her work inspires me. There will be no other Madonna.&quot; (From the book ''&quot;Madonna talking&quot;'' by Mick St. Michael)
** Mariquita Robinson.

* '''[[Alex Rodriguez]]'''
** &quot;I have a lot of respect for her. She's very committed to making the world a better place.&quot; [http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20244527,00.html]
** &quot;She's an amazing entertainer. And it's been amazing how she's been able to stay on top for three decades. She's very smart, and she's passionate about everything she does. If there ever was any situation, she's a great ear to have, you know? I met her about 12 years ago in Miami, believe it or not, That's how we know each other. I was trying to buy her house, and I couldn't afford it.&quot; [http://men.style.com/details/features/landing?id=content_8397]

* '''Tracy Anderson''':
** &quot;[She has] the most amazing work ethic. Madonna is exquisite to look at and she works hard at it.&quot; **[http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2009/jan/03/tracy-anderson-personal-trainer-madonna]
** &quot;People say to me, 'Madonna must really boss you around' and I tell them 'No! She’s the most docile, sweet, quiet little student'. Madonna never slacks off. She’s like a gym nerd. I challenge anybody to see Madonna in person and not want her body. What she’s achieved is not unnatural.&quot; [http://www.mirror.co.uk/celebs/celebs-on-sunday/2009/03/15/tracy-anderson-madonna-is-such-a-perfect-pupil-it-s-gwyneth-who-gives-me-cheek-115875-21190090/]

* She's a dream pupil; She's very driven, listens to what you say and just wants to do it and improve. You can always get somewhere with someone like that. When I started teaching her she hadn't jumped at all and now she can jump a course of 1.05m. Jumping and hacking are her two favorite things.
**Daisy Trayford [http://www.horseandhound.co.uk/news/397/275035.html]
==References==
{{reflist}}

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
* {{Official website}}
* {{IMDb name|187|Madonna}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Madonna (entertainer)}}
[[Category:Actresses from the United States]]
[[Category:Pop singers]]
[[Category:Singer-songwriters from the United States]]
[[Category:Women musicians]]
[[Category:Film producers from the United States]]
[[Category:Record producers from the United States]]
[[Category:Film directors from the United States]]
[[Category:Dancers from the United States]]
[[Category:Businesspeople from the United States]]
[[Category:Philanthropists from the United States]]
[[Category:Activists from the United States]]
[[Category:LGBT rights activists]]
[[Category:1958 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Articles with bare URLs]]
[[Category:People from Michigan]]
[[Category:Grammy Award winners]]
[[Category:Company founders]]
[[Category:American women]]</text>
      <sha1>4ybi39nlcsgdf489tmi8thwu9gbqlrh</sha1>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Shrek</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>1658</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153722</id>
      <parentid>3153478</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T22:32:07Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Favonia1</username>
        <id>3129277</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Dialogue */Much better... XD</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="17897" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Shrek|Shrek]]''''' is a [[w:2001 in film|2001]] [[w:animated film|animated film]] about an ogre who, in order to regain his swamp, travels along with a donkey in order to bring a princess to a scheming lord who wishes to become King.
:''Directed by [[w:Andrew Adamson|Andrew Adamson]] and [[Vicky Jenson]]. Written by [[w:Ted Elliott|Ted Elliott]] and [[w:Terry Rossio|Terry Rossio]].'' ''Story by [[w:William Steig|William Steig]] (book)''
{{center|'''The greatest fairy tale never told.''' &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Shrek ==
* That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.
* Donkey, two things, okay? Shut.... up!

== Donkey ==
* All right, nobody move! I've got a dragon and I'm not afraid to use it! I'm a donkey on the edge!

== Dialogue ==
:''[Shrek sneaks up on a mob about to enter his swamp]''
:'''First villager''': I think it's in there?
:'''Second Villager''': All right, let's get it!
:'''Third villager''': Whoa, hold on! Do you know what that thing could do to you?
:'''Fourth villager''': Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread.
:'''Shrek''': Really? ''[exposes himself]'' Well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres - oh, they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin! They'll shave your liver, squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.
:'''Fifth villager''': ''[waves his torch in front of Shrek]'' Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! ''[Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch like a match; he smiles nervously while dropping the unlit torch]'' Right.
:''[Then Shrek turns around to face his ass at the villagers and shits out feces on them until the villagers stop screaming and yelling, before Shrek turns back at them]''
:'''Shrek''': ''[quietly]'' This is the part where you run away. ''[the villagers do so while covered in shit; laughs]'' And stay out! &quot;''[he picks up a wanted poster and reads it]'' &quot;Wanted: Fairy Tale Creatures&quot;. ''[rolls his eyes, walks back to the house, and throws the wanted poster as it lands on the ground face up]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Old Lady''': ''[moves Donkey's lips]'' I can talk. I love to talk! I'm the talkin'est damn thing you ever saw.
:'''Captain''': ''[annoyed and angrily]'' Get her outta my sight!
:'''Old Lady''': No, no! I swear! ''[Guards took her away]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Shrek''': ''[to Donkey]'' WHY...are you following me?
:'''Donkey''': I'll tell you why. ''[sings]''
:'Cause I'm all alone.
:There's no one here beside me.
:My problems have all gone.
:There's no one to deride me!
:But ya gotta have friends!
:'''Shrek''': Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder you don't have any friends.
:'''Donkey''': Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest.
:'''Shrek''': Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me, what am I?
:'''Donkey''': Uh... ''[looks Shrek up and down]'' Really tall?
:'''Shrek''': No! I'm an ogre! Y’know, &quot;Grab your torch and pitchforks!&quot; Doesn't that bother you?
:'''Donkey''': ''[shakes his head happily]'' Nope.
:'''Shrek''': ''[surprised]'' Really?
:'''Donkey''': Really, really.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Donkey''': ''[looks at a hovel]'' Whoa, look at that. Who'd wanna live in a place like that?
:'''Shrek''': '''''That''''' would be my home.
:'''Donkey''': Oh, and it is lovely! You know, you're really quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. ''[looks at boulder]'' I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. ''[eyes the KEEP OUT signs surrounding Shrek's home]'' I guess you don't, uh, entertain much, do you?
:'''Shrek''': I like my privacy.
:'''Donkey''': Y'know, I do too! That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you've got someone in your face, you try to give 'em a hint, they won't leave, and then there's that big awkward silence, you know... ''[silence ensues]'' ...Can I stay wit you?
:'''Shrek''': Uh, what?!
:'''Donkey''': Can I stay wit you... please?
:'''Shrek''': ''[sarcastically]'' Of course!
:'''Donkey''': Really?
:'''Shrek''': No.
:'''Donkey''': Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak, Shrek! ''[slight pause; Shrek gives Donkey a look]'' Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together! You gotta let me stay! Please, please!
:'''Shrek''': Okay! Okay. But one night only.
:'''Donkey''': Ah, thank you! ''[runs to the chair inside]''
:'''Shrek''': Ahh! What are you doing?! No, no!
:'''Donkey''': This is gon’ be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', I'm makin' waffles!
:'''Shrek''': Ohh!
:'''Donkey''': Where do, uh, I sleep?
:'''Shrek''': Outside!!
:'''Donkey''': Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Shrek discovers the Seven Dwarves have placed Snow White on his kitchen table knocking everything on it, off.]''
:'''Shrek''': Oh, no, no, no, no! Dead broad off the table!
:'''Dwarf''': Well, where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken!
:'''Shrek''': Huh?
:''[rushes over to his bed to find...]''
:'''Big Bad Wolf''': What?
: '''Shrek''': ''[Carrying Big Bad Wolf by the scruff of his neck]'' I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I’m a terrifying ogre. '''''What do I have to do to get a little privacy?!?!?!?'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Shrek, his swamp filled with fairytale creatures, glares at Donkey]''
:'''Donkey''': Hey, don't look at me, I didn't invite them!
:'''Pinocchio''': Oh, gosh, no one invited us!
:'''Shrek''': What?
:'''Pinocchio''': We were forced to come here!
:'''Shrek''': By who?
:'''Little Pig''': Lord Farquaad. He huffed, and he puffed... and he signed an eviction notice.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lord Farquaad''': ''[sees Thelonius and Felonious dunking Gingy in milk]'' That's it! All right, that's it! He's ready to talk. ''[puts him down; Farquaad chuckles, then signals for the table to lower; clears his throat]'' ''[playing with Gingy’s legs and holding them up]'' Run, run, run, as fast as you can; you can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man!
:'''Gingy''': You’re a monster.
:'''Lord Farquaad''': I am not the monster here, you are! You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. ''[crushes Gingy’s legs to crumbs as he says this]'' Now, tell me! Where are the others?!
:'''Gingy''': Eat me!! ''[spits milk at Farquaad who wipes it away]''
:'''Lord Farquaad''': ''[grunts and straining]'' I've tried to be fair to you creatures, but now my patience has reached its end! Now, tell me! Tell me, or I'll… ''[reaches to pull off one of Gingy's buttons]''
:'''Gingy''': No, no! Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons!
:'''Lord Farquaad''': ''[shines a lamp on Gingy]'' All right, then, who's hiding them?!
:'''Gingy''': Okay! I'll tell you. Do you know… the muffin man?
:'''Lord Farquaad''': The muffin man?
:'''Gingy''': The muffin man.
:'''Lord Farquaad''': Yes. I know the muffin man. Who-Who lives on Drury Lane?
:'''Gingy''': Well, she's married to the muffin man.
:'''Lord Farquaad''': The muffin man?!
:'''Gingy''': The muffin man!! 
:'''Lord Farquaad''': She's married to the muffin man.
:''[Door opens]''
:'''Captain''': My lord! We found it.
:'''Lord Farquaad''': Well, then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[arriving at Duloc]''
:'''Shrek''': ''[observing a giant building]'' So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle...
:'''Donkey''': Uh-huh, that's the place.
:'''Shrek''': Do you think he's maybe compensating for something?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Shrek enters the tournament]''
:'''Lord Farquaad''': What is that? It's hideous!
:'''Shrek''': Well, that's not very nice. ''[gestures to Donkey]'' It's just a donkey.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion.]''
:'''Donkey''': Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad’ll give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right?
:'''Shrek''': Y’know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.
:'''Donkey''': I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grind his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip.
:'''Shrek''': Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? 
:'''Donkey''': Uh, no, not really, no.
:'''Shrek''': For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think.
:'''Donkey''': Example?
:'''Shrek''': Example... uh... ogres are like onions!
:''[holds up an onion, which Donkey sniffs]''
:'''Donkey''': They stink?
:'''Shrek''': Yes... No!
:'''Donkey''': Oh, they make you cry?
:'''Shrek''': No!
:'''Donkey''': Oh, you leave 'em out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs...
:'''Shrek''': ''[peels an onion]'' '''''No! Layers. Onions have layers. Ogres have layers... You get it? We both have layers.'''''
:''[heaves a sigh and then walks off]''
:'''Donkey''': Oh, you both have '''''layers'''''. Oh. You know, not everybody like onions. Cake! Everybody loves cake! Cakes have layers!
:'''Shrek''': I don't '''''care''''' what everyone likes! Ogres are '''''not''''' like '''''cakes'''''!
:'''Donkey''': You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits! Have you ever met a person, you say, &quot;Let's get some parfait,&quot; they say, &quot;Hell no, I don't like no parfait.&quot;? Parfaits are delicious!
:'''Shrek''': No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story! Bye-bye! See ya later.
:'''Donkey''': Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet!
:'''Shrek''': Y’know, I think I preferred your humming.
:'''Donkey''': Do you have a tissue or somethin’? I'm makin’ a mess. Just the word “parfait” make me start slobberin’.                 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Shrek and Donkey are crossing a wooden bridge over a moat of lava]''
:'''Donkey''': Don't look down, don't look down, don't look down, keep on movin’, don't look down... ''[a board under Donkey breaks, prompting Donkey]'' Shrek, I'm lookin’ down!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shrek''': That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Donkey''': So where is this fire-breathin' pain in the neck, anyway?
:'''Shrek''': Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.
:'''Donkey''': I was talkin' about the '''''dragon''''', Shrek.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shrek''': Donkey, two things, okay? Shut... up!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fiona''': Where are you going? The exit's over there!
:'''Shrek''': ''[going to save Donkey]'' Well, I have to save my ass.
:'''Fiona''': ''[shocked]'' What kind of knight '''''are''''' you?!?!?
:'''Shrek''': One of a kind.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Donkey''': Hi, Princess!
:'''Fiona''': It talks!
:'''Shrek''': Yeah, it's gettin’ him to shut up that's the trick!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fiona''': The sooner we get to Duloc, the better!
:'''Donkey''': Oh, you gonna love it there, Princess, it's beautiful!
:'''Fiona''': And my groom-to-be Lord Farquaad, what's he like?
:'''Shrek''': Well, let me put it this way, Princess: men of his stature are in '''''short''''' supply.
:''[chortles]''
:'''Donkey''': Yeah! There are those who think '''''little''''' of him!
:''[Shrek and Donkey laugh]''
:'''Fiona''': Stop it. Stop it, both of you! You know, you're just jealous that you could never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.
:'''Shrek''': [grins] Maybe. But I'll let you do the &quot;measuring&quot; when you see him tomorrow!
:'''Fiona''': [suddenly anxious] Tomorrow? Will it really take that long? Shouldn't we set up camp?
:'''Shrek''': No, that'll take '''''longer'''''.
:'''Fiona''': But there's... robbers in the woods!
:'''Donkey''': [tense] Whoa, time out, Shrek! Campin' sure is startin' to sound like a good idea 'round here!
:'''Shrek''': Hey, come on! I'm scarier than anything we're gonna see in this forest--
:'''Fiona''': [furious] I need to find somewhere to camp '''''NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Donkey''': Why are you blocking?  
:'''Shrek''': I'm not blocking! 
:'''Donkey''': Oh, yes you are. 
:'''Shrek''': Donkey, I'm warning you.  
:'''Donkey''': Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that, Shrek. Who?  
:'''Shrek''': Everyone! OKAY?  
:'''Donkey''': Oh, now we're getting somewhere! 
:'''Shrek''': Oh, for the love of Pete! 
:'''Donkey''': Hey, what's your problem, Shrek, what you got against the whole world anyway, huh?
:'''Shrek''': Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me! People take one look at me and go &quot;Aargh! Help! Run! A big stupid ugly ogre!&quot; They judge me before they even know me - that's why I'm better off alone...
:'''Donkey''': You know, Shrek... when we first met, I didn't think you were a big, stupid, ugly ogre.
:'''Shrek''': Yeah, I know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Shrek has been hit by an arrow fired by one of Robin Hood’s Merry Men that ricocheted off of a tree]''
:'''Fiona''': Oh, oh, this is all my fault...
:'''Donkey''': Why, what's wrong?
:'''Fiona''': Shrek's hurt!
:'''Donkey''': Shrek's hurt? Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die!
:'''Shrek''': Donkey, I'm okay!
:'''Donkey''': You can't do this to me, Shrek, I'm too young for you to die! Keep your feet elevated! Turn your head and cough! Does anybody know the Heimlich...?
:'''Fiona''': ''[grabs Donkey]'' Donkey, calm down! If you wanna help Shrek, go into the forest and look for a blue flower with red thorns.
:'''Donkey''': Blue flower, red thorns! Okay, I got it! Blue flower, red thorns! Blue flower, red thorns! Don't die, Shrek, and if you see any long tunnels, stay away from the light!
:'''Fiona &amp; Shrek''': Donkey!
:'''Donkey''': Okay, okay. Blue flower, red thorns! Blue flower, red thorns!
:''[runs off]''
:'''Shrek''': What're the flowers for?
:'''Fiona''': For getting rid of Donkey.
:'''Shrek''' : Ah.
:'''Fiona''': Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.

:''[gives the arrow a little pull]''

:'''Shrek''': ''[jumps away]'' Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.
:'''Fiona''' : I'm sorry, but it has to come out.
:'''Shrek''': No, it's tender.
:'''Fiona''': Now, hold on.
:'''Shrek''': What you're doing is the opposite of help.
:'''Fiona''': Don't move.
:'''Shrek''': Look, time out.
:'''Fiona''': ''[Shrek has his hand on Fiona’s face]'' Would you... ''[grunts]'' Okay. What do you propose we do?
:'''Donkey''': Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.
:'''Shrek''': ''[screaming]'' Owwww!
:'''Donkey''': [hears Shrek scream] Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! ''[Grabs a blue flower with red thorns from a bush]''
:'''Shrek''': Ow! Not good.
:'''Fiona''': Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. ''[Grunts]'' It's just about...
:'''Shrek''': Ow! Ohh!
:'''Donkey''': ''[he sees Fiona on top of Shrek]'' Ahem.
:'''Shrek''': Nothing happened…
:''[Fiona falls off]''
:…We were just, uh-
:'''Donkey''': Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?
:'''Shrek''': Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just-
:''[Fiona pulls the arrow out]''
:'''Shrek''': Ugh!
:''[he turns to look at Fiona who holds up the arrow with a smile]''
:'''Shrek''': ''[hoarsely]'' Ow!
:'''Donkey''': Hey, what's that? ''[nervous chuckle]'' That's...is that blood?
:''[faints]''

== See also ==
* ''[[Shrek 2]]''
* ''[[Shrek the Third]]''
* ''[[Shrek Forever After]]''
* [[Puss in Boots (2011 film)|''Puss in Boots'' (2011 film)]]

== Taglines ==
* The greatest fairy tale never told.
* The Prince isn't charming. The Princess isn't sleeping. The sidekick isn't helping. The ogre is the hero. Fairy tales will never be the same again.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Mike Myers|Mike Myers]] &amp;ndash; Shrek &amp; Blind Mouse (voice) 
* [[Eddie Murphy]] &amp;ndash; Donkey (voice) 
* [[Cameron Diaz]] &amp;ndash; Princess Fiona (voice) 
* [[w:John Lithgow|John Lithgow]] &amp;ndash; Lord Farquaad (voice)
* [[w:Vincent Cassel|Vincent Cassel]] &amp;ndash; Monsieur Hood (voice)
* [[w:Peter Dennis|Peter Dennis]] &amp; Clive Pearse &amp;ndash; Ogre Hunters (voice)
* [[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]] &amp;ndash; Captain of Guards (voice)
* Bobby Block &amp;ndash; Baby Bear (voice)
* [[w:Chris Miller (animator)|Chris Miller]] &amp;ndash; Geppetto &amp; Magic Mirror (voice)
* [[w:Cody Cameron|Cody Cameron]] &amp;ndash; Pinocchio &amp; Three Pigs (voice)
* [[w:Kathleen Freeman|Kathleen Freeman]] &amp;ndash; Old Woman (voice)
* [[w:Michael Galasso|Michael Galasso]] &amp;ndash; Peter Pan (voice)
* [[w:Christopher Knights|Christopher Knights]] &amp;ndash; Blind Mouse &amp; Thelonius (voice)
* [[w:Simon J. Smith|Simon J. Smith]] &amp;ndash; Blind Mouse (voice)
* [[w:Conrad Vernon|Conrad Vernon]] &amp;ndash; Gingerbread Man (voice)
* Jacquie Barnbrook &amp;ndash; Wrestling Fan (voice)
* Guillaume Aretos, John Bisom, Matthew Gonder, Calvin Remsberg &amp; Jean-Paul Vignon &amp;ndash; Merry Men (voice)
* [[w:Val Bettin|Val Bettin]] &amp;ndash; Bishop (voice)
* [[w:Aron Warner|Aron Warner]] &amp;ndash; Big Bad Wolf (voice)
* [[w:Andrew Adamson|Andrew Adamson]] &amp;ndash; Duloc Mascot (voice)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0126029|title=Shrek}}

[[Category:2001 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Films based on novels]]
[[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]]
[[Category:Shrek|Shrek 1]]
[[Category:United States National Film Registry films]]
[[Category:Films about royalty]]</text>
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'''''[[w:Shrek|Shrek]]''''' is a [[w:2001 in film|2001]] [[w:animated film|animated film]] about an ogre who, in order to regain his swamp, travels along with a donkey in order to bring a princess to a scheming lord who wishes to become King.
:''Directed by [[w:Andrew Adamson|Andrew Adamson]] and [[Vicky Jenson]]. Written by [[w:Ted Elliott|Ted Elliott]] and [[w:Terry Rossio|Terry Rossio]].'' ''Story by [[w:William Steig|William Steig]] (book)''
{{center|'''The greatest fairy tale never told.''' &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Shrek ==
* That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.
* Donkey, two things, okay? Shut.... up!

== Donkey ==
* All right, nobody move! I've got a dragon and I'm not afraid to use it! I'm a donkey on the edge!

== Dialogue ==
:''[Shrek sneaks up on a mob about to enter his swamp]''
:'''First villager''': I think it's in there?
:'''Second Villager''': All right, let's get it!
:'''Third villager''': Whoa, hold on! Do you know what that thing could do to you?
:'''Fourth villager''': Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread.
:'''Shrek''': Really? ''[exposes himself]'' Well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres - oh, they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin! They'll shave your liver, squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.
:'''Fifth villager''': ''[waves his torch in front of Shrek]'' Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! ''[Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch like a match; he smiles nervously while dropping the unlit torch]'' Right.
:''[Then Shrek roars ferociously until the villagers stop screaming and yelling]''
:'''Shrek''': ''[quietly]'' This is the part where you run away. ''[the villagers do so; laughs]'' And stay out! &quot;''[he picks up a wanted poster and reads it]'' &quot;Wanted: Fairy Tale Creatures&quot;. ''[rolls his eyes, walks back to the house, and throws the wanted poster as it lands on the ground face up]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Old Lady''': ''[moves Donkey's lips]'' I can talk. I love to talk! I'm the talkin'est damn thing you ever saw.
:'''Captain''': ''[annoyed and angrily]'' Get her outta my sight!
:'''Old Lady''': No, no! I swear! ''[Guards took her away]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Shrek''': ''[to Donkey]'' WHY...are you following me?
:'''Donkey''': I'll tell you why. ''[sings]''
:'Cause I'm all alone.
:There's no one here beside me.
:My problems have all gone.
:There's no one to deride me!
:But ya gotta have friends!
:'''Shrek''': Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder you don't have any friends.
:'''Donkey''': Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest.
:'''Shrek''': Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me, what am I?
:'''Donkey''': Uh... ''[looks Shrek up and down]'' Really tall?
:'''Shrek''': No! I'm an ogre! Y’know, &quot;Grab your torch and pitchforks!&quot; Doesn't that bother you?
:'''Donkey''': ''[shakes his head happily]'' Nope.
:'''Shrek''': ''[surprised]'' Really?
:'''Donkey''': Really, really.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Donkey''': ''[looks at a hovel]'' Whoa, look at that. Who'd wanna live in a place like that?
:'''Shrek''': '''''That''''' would be my home.
:'''Donkey''': Oh, and it is lovely! You know, you're really quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. ''[looks at boulder]'' I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. ''[eyes the KEEP OUT signs surrounding Shrek's home]'' I guess you don't, uh, entertain much, do you?
:'''Shrek''': I like my privacy.
:'''Donkey''': Y'know, I do too! That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you've got someone in your face, you try to give 'em a hint, they won't leave, and then there's that big awkward silence, you know... ''[silence ensues]'' ...Can I stay wit you?
:'''Shrek''': Uh, what?!
:'''Donkey''': Can I stay wit you... please?
:'''Shrek''': ''[sarcastically]'' Of course!
:'''Donkey''': Really?
:'''Shrek''': No.
:'''Donkey''': Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak, Shrek! ''[slight pause; Shrek gives Donkey a look]'' Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together! You gotta let me stay! Please, please!
:'''Shrek''': Okay! Okay. But one night only.
:'''Donkey''': Ah, thank you! ''[runs to the chair inside]''
:'''Shrek''': Ahh! What are you doing?! No, no!
:'''Donkey''': This is gon’ be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', I'm makin' waffles!
:'''Shrek''': Ohh!
:'''Donkey''': Where do, uh, I sleep?
:'''Shrek''': Outside!!
:'''Donkey''': Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Shrek discovers the Seven Dwarves have placed Snow White on his kitchen table knocking everything on it, off.]''
:'''Shrek''': Oh, no, no, no, no! Dead broad off the table!
:'''Dwarf''': Well, where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken!
:'''Shrek''': Huh?
:''[rushes over to his bed to find...]''
:'''Big Bad Wolf''': What?
: '''Shrek''': ''[Carrying Big Bad Wolf by the scruff of his neck]'' I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I’m a terrifying ogre. '''''What do I have to do to get a little privacy?!?!?!?'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Shrek, his swamp filled with fairytale creatures, glares at Donkey]''
:'''Donkey''': Hey, don't look at me, I didn't invite them!
:'''Pinocchio''': Oh, gosh, no one invited us!
:'''Shrek''': What?
:'''Pinocchio''': We were forced to come here!
:'''Shrek''': By who?
:'''Little Pig''': Lord Farquaad. He huffed, and he puffed... and he signed an eviction notice.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lord Farquaad''': ''[sees Thelonius and Felonious dunking Gingy in milk]'' That's it! All right, that's it! He's ready to talk. ''[puts him down; Farquaad chuckles, then signals for the table to lower; clears his throat]'' ''[playing with Gingy’s legs and holding them up]'' Run, run, run, as fast as you can; you can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man!
:'''Gingy''': You’re a monster.
:'''Lord Farquaad''': I am not the monster here, you are! You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. ''[crushes Gingy’s legs to crumbs as he says this]'' Now, tell me! Where are the others?!
:'''Gingy''': Eat me!! ''[spits milk at Farquaad who wipes it away]''
:'''Lord Farquaad''': ''[grunts and straining]'' I've tried to be fair to you creatures, but now my patience has reached its end! Now, tell me! Tell me, or I'll… ''[reaches to pull off one of Gingy's buttons]''
:'''Gingy''': No, no! Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons!
:'''Lord Farquaad''': ''[shines a lamp on Gingy]'' All right, then, who's hiding them?!
:'''Gingy''': Okay! I'll tell you. Do you know… the muffin man?
:'''Lord Farquaad''': The muffin man?
:'''Gingy''': The muffin man.
:'''Lord Farquaad''': Yes. I know the muffin man. Who-Who lives on Drury Lane?
:'''Gingy''': Well, she's married to the muffin man.
:'''Lord Farquaad''': The muffin man?!
:'''Gingy''': The muffin man!! 
:'''Lord Farquaad''': She's married to the muffin man.
:''[Door opens]''
:'''Captain''': My lord! We found it.
:'''Lord Farquaad''': Well, then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[arriving at Duloc]''
:'''Shrek''': ''[observing a giant building]'' So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle...
:'''Donkey''': Uh-huh, that's the place.
:'''Shrek''': Do you think he's maybe compensating for something?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Shrek enters the tournament]''
:'''Lord Farquaad''': What is that? It's hideous!
:'''Shrek''': Well, that's not very nice. ''[gestures to Donkey]'' It's just a donkey.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion.]''
:'''Donkey''': Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad’ll give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right?
:'''Shrek''': Y’know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.
:'''Donkey''': I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grind his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip.
:'''Shrek''': Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? 
:'''Donkey''': Uh, no, not really, no.
:'''Shrek''': For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think.
:'''Donkey''': Example?
:'''Shrek''': Example... uh... ogres are like onions!
:''[holds up an onion, which Donkey sniffs]''
:'''Donkey''': They stink?
:'''Shrek''': Yes... No!
:'''Donkey''': Oh, they make you cry?
:'''Shrek''': No!
:'''Donkey''': Oh, you leave 'em out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs...
:'''Shrek''': ''[peels an onion]'' '''''No! Layers. Onions have layers. Ogres have layers... You get it? We both have layers.'''''
:''[heaves a sigh and then walks off]''
:'''Donkey''': Oh, you both have '''''layers'''''. Oh. You know, not everybody like onions. Cake! Everybody loves cake! Cakes have layers!
:'''Shrek''': I don't '''''care''''' what everyone likes! Ogres are '''''not''''' like '''''cakes'''''!
:'''Donkey''': You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits! Have you ever met a person, you say, &quot;Let's get some parfait,&quot; they say, &quot;Hell no, I don't like no parfait.&quot;? Parfaits are delicious!
:'''Shrek''': No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story! Bye-bye! See ya later.
:'''Donkey''': Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet!
:'''Shrek''': Y’know, I think I preferred your humming.
:'''Donkey''': Do you have a tissue or somethin’? I'm makin’ a mess. Just the word “parfait” make me start slobberin’.                 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Shrek and Donkey are crossing a wooden bridge over a moat of lava]''
:'''Donkey''': Don't look down, don't look down, don't look down, keep on movin’, don't look down... ''[a board under Donkey breaks, prompting Donkey]'' Shrek, I'm lookin’ down!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shrek''': That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Donkey''': So where is this fire-breathin' pain in the neck, anyway?
:'''Shrek''': Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.
:'''Donkey''': I was talkin' about the '''''dragon''''', Shrek.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shrek''': Donkey, two things, okay? Shut... up!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fiona''': Where are you going? The exit's over there!
:'''Shrek''': ''[going to save Donkey]'' Well, I have to save my ass.
:'''Fiona''': ''[shocked]'' What kind of knight '''''are''''' you?!?!?
:'''Shrek''': One of a kind.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Donkey''': Hi, Princess!
:'''Fiona''': It talks!
:'''Shrek''': Yeah, it's gettin’ him to shut up that's the trick!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fiona''': The sooner we get to Duloc, the better!
:'''Donkey''': Oh, you gonna love it there, Princess, it's beautiful!
:'''Fiona''': And my groom-to-be Lord Farquaad, what's he like?
:'''Shrek''': Well, let me put it this way, Princess: men of his stature are in '''''short''''' supply.
:''[chortles]''
:'''Donkey''': Yeah! There are those who think '''''little''''' of him!
:''[Shrek and Donkey laugh]''
:'''Fiona''': Stop it. Stop it, both of you! You know, you're just jealous that you could never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.
:'''Shrek''': [grins] Maybe. But I'll let you do the &quot;measuring&quot; when you see him tomorrow!
:'''Fiona''': [suddenly anxious] Tomorrow? Will it really take that long? Shouldn't we set up camp?
:'''Shrek''': No, that'll take '''''longer'''''.
:'''Fiona''': But there's... robbers in the woods!
:'''Donkey''': [tense] Whoa, time out, Shrek! Campin' sure is startin' to sound like a good idea 'round here!
:'''Shrek''': Hey, come on! I'm scarier than anything we're gonna see in this forest--
:'''Fiona''': [furious] I need to find somewhere to camp '''''NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Donkey''': Why are you blocking?  
:'''Shrek''': I'm not blocking! 
:'''Donkey''': Oh, yes you are. 
:'''Shrek''': Donkey, I'm warning you.  
:'''Donkey''': Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that, Shrek. Who?  
:'''Shrek''': Everyone! OKAY?  
:'''Donkey''': Oh, now we're getting somewhere! 
:'''Shrek''': Oh, for the love of Pete! 
:'''Donkey''': Hey, what's your problem, Shrek, what you got against the whole world anyway, huh?
:'''Shrek''': Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me! People take one look at me and go &quot;Aargh! Help! Run! A big stupid ugly ogre!&quot; They judge me before they even know me - that's why I'm better off alone...
:'''Donkey''': You know, Shrek... when we first met, I didn't think you were a big, stupid, ugly ogre.
:'''Shrek''': Yeah, I know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Shrek has been hit by an arrow fired by one of Robin Hood’s Merry Men that ricocheted off of a tree]''
:'''Fiona''': Oh, oh, this is all my fault...
:'''Donkey''': Why, what's wrong?
:'''Fiona''': Shrek's hurt!
:'''Donkey''': Shrek's hurt? Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die!
:'''Shrek''': Donkey, I'm okay!
:'''Donkey''': You can't do this to me, Shrek, I'm too young for you to die! Keep your feet elevated! Turn your head and cough! Does anybody know the Heimlich...?
:'''Fiona''': ''[grabs Donkey]'' Donkey, calm down! If you wanna help Shrek, go into the forest and look for a blue flower with red thorns.
:'''Donkey''': Blue flower, red thorns! Okay, I got it! Blue flower, red thorns! Blue flower, red thorns! Don't die, Shrek, and if you see any long tunnels, stay away from the light!
:'''Fiona &amp; Shrek''': Donkey!
:'''Donkey''': Okay, okay. Blue flower, red thorns! Blue flower, red thorns!
:''[runs off]''
:'''Shrek''': What're the flowers for?
:'''Fiona''': For getting rid of Donkey.
:'''Shrek''' : Ah.
:'''Fiona''': Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.

:''[gives the arrow a little pull]''

:'''Shrek''': ''[jumps away]'' Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.
:'''Fiona''' : I'm sorry, but it has to come out.
:'''Shrek''': No, it's tender.
:'''Fiona''': Now, hold on.
:'''Shrek''': What you're doing is the opposite of help.
:'''Fiona''': Don't move.
:'''Shrek''': Look, time out.
:'''Fiona''': ''[Shrek has his hand on Fiona’s face]'' Would you... ''[grunts]'' Okay. What do you propose we do?
:'''Donkey''': Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.
:'''Shrek''': ''[screaming]'' Owwww!
:'''Donkey''': [hears Shrek scream] Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! ''[Grabs a blue flower with red thorns from a bush]''
:'''Shrek''': Ow! Not good.
:'''Fiona''': Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. ''[Grunts]'' It's just about...
:'''Shrek''': Ow! Ohh!
:'''Donkey''': ''[he sees Fiona on top of Shrek]'' Ahem.
:'''Shrek''': Nothing happened…
:''[Fiona falls off]''
:…We were just, uh-
:'''Donkey''': Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?
:'''Shrek''': Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just-
:''[Fiona pulls the arrow out]''
:'''Shrek''': Ugh!
:''[he turns to look at Fiona who holds up the arrow with a smile]''
:'''Shrek''': ''[hoarsely]'' Ow!
:'''Donkey''': Hey, what's that? ''[nervous chuckle]'' That's...is that blood?
:''[faints]''

== See also ==
* ''[[Shrek 2]]''
* ''[[Shrek the Third]]''
* ''[[Shrek Forever After]]''
* [[Puss in Boots (2011 film)|''Puss in Boots'' (2011 film)]]

== Taglines ==
* The greatest fairy tale never told.
* The Prince isn't charming. The Princess isn't sleeping. The sidekick isn't helping. The ogre is the hero. Fairy tales will never be the same again.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Mike Myers|Mike Myers]] &amp;ndash; Shrek &amp; Blind Mouse (voice) 
* [[Eddie Murphy]] &amp;ndash; Donkey (voice) 
* [[Cameron Diaz]] &amp;ndash; Princess Fiona (voice) 
* [[w:John Lithgow|John Lithgow]] &amp;ndash; Lord Farquaad (voice)
* [[w:Vincent Cassel|Vincent Cassel]] &amp;ndash; Monsieur Hood (voice)
* [[w:Peter Dennis|Peter Dennis]] &amp; Clive Pearse &amp;ndash; Ogre Hunters (voice)
* [[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]] &amp;ndash; Captain of Guards (voice)
* Bobby Block &amp;ndash; Baby Bear (voice)
* [[w:Chris Miller (animator)|Chris Miller]] &amp;ndash; Geppetto &amp; Magic Mirror (voice)
* [[w:Cody Cameron|Cody Cameron]] &amp;ndash; Pinocchio &amp; Three Pigs (voice)
* [[w:Kathleen Freeman|Kathleen Freeman]] &amp;ndash; Old Woman (voice)
* [[w:Michael Galasso|Michael Galasso]] &amp;ndash; Peter Pan (voice)
* [[w:Christopher Knights|Christopher Knights]] &amp;ndash; Blind Mouse &amp; Thelonius (voice)
* [[w:Simon J. Smith|Simon J. Smith]] &amp;ndash; Blind Mouse (voice)
* [[w:Conrad Vernon|Conrad Vernon]] &amp;ndash; Gingerbread Man (voice)
* Jacquie Barnbrook &amp;ndash; Wrestling Fan (voice)
* Guillaume Aretos, John Bisom, Matthew Gonder, Calvin Remsberg &amp; Jean-Paul Vignon &amp;ndash; Merry Men (voice)
* [[w:Val Bettin|Val Bettin]] &amp;ndash; Bishop (voice)
* [[w:Aron Warner|Aron Warner]] &amp;ndash; Big Bad Wolf (voice)
* [[w:Andrew Adamson|Andrew Adamson]] &amp;ndash; Duloc Mascot (voice)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0126029|title=Shrek}}

[[Category:2001 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Films based on novels]]
[[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]]
[[Category:Shrek|Shrek 1]]
[[Category:United States National Film Registry films]]
[[Category:Films about royalty]]</text>
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    <title>Marilyn Manson</title>
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      <comment>Reverted edit by [[User:2.51.65.112|2.51.65.112]] ([[User talk:2.51.65.112|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/2.51.65.112|contributions]]) to last version by FoolInLove</comment>
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[[File:Marilyn Manson kot Ikarus.jpg|thumb|right|upright|If someone listens to our music, and it makes them creative, that makes me happier than anything.]]
'''[[w:Marilyn Manson|Brian Hugh Warner]]''' (born [[5 January]] [[1969]]), better known as '''Marilyn Manson''', is an [[United States|American]] musician, artist, and lead singer of the band which shares his stage name.

==Quotes==
[[File:Mabsinthe.jpg|thumb|right|upright|When I was growing up, music was the only escape. If you put on a record, its not gonna yell at you about the way you dress, its gonna make you feel better about it.]]
[[File:MM s klobukom IZ.jpg|thumb|right|upright|In music, you feel a connection to the voice and think about the person behind it.]]
[[File:Hopelibrary.JPG|thumb|right|upright|I wouldn't say a single word to them. I would listen to what they have to say, and that's what no one did.]]
[[File:Columbinememorial.JPG|thumb|right|upright|Is adult entertainment killing our children? Or is killing our children entertaining adults?]]
[[File:Bill Clinton.jpg|thumb|right|upright|[[Bill Clinton|The President]] was shooting bombs overseas. Yet, I'm a bad guy because I sing some rock-and-roll songs? Who's a bigger influence, the President or Marilyn Manson? I'd like to think me, but I'm going to go with the President.]]
[[File:AQMI Flag.svg|thumb|right|upright|If they think that an artist can destroy their faith, then their faith is rather fragile.]]
[[File:MSNBC 2015-2021 logo.svg|thumb|right|upright|Keep everyone afraid and they'll consume.]]
*If people really stopped and realized how much art and creative people move the world versus politics and religion, I mean it’s not even up for debate. An artist at least creates things, puts things into the world. Where as these other people are destroying things, taking things out of the world.
**Interview on ''The Henry Rollins Show''

*I'm fucking sick of people who always try to blame movies, bands, songs, or talk shows for whatever the fuck hits them today – teen suicides, drug overdoses or everything else. If someone is stupid enough to kill himself because of a song, then that's exactly what they deserve – they weren't contributing anything to the society – it's one less idiot in the world. There's too many people – if more people kill themselves over music, it wouldn't disappoint me. What would disappoint me is that people are that stupid.
** As quoted in ''The Phil Donahue Show''

===1990s===

* &amp;hellip; I don't expect everyone to get something deep out of it. Some people can just listen to the music, or get their aggressions out, but I think with any great painting or movie, album or whatever it is, it's better if people can take what they need from it. That they're not forced to get some particular message.
** As quoted in &quot;Headbanger's Ball&quot; (10 December 1996), ''MTV Europe''.

* The whole concept of this band is to present the ugly truth about society &amp;ndash; warts and all, and let the chips fall where they may.
** As quoted in ''Huh'' (October 1996).{{fix cite}}

* If someone listens to our music, and it makes them creative, that makes me happier than anything. But with our music, we try to teach the masses of fans that not everything is as it seems.
** As quoted in ''Huh'' (10 October 1996).{{fix cite}}

* I hope that with our music we can inspire other people to be creative and to use their imagination, because it is something that is so lacking nowadays. You have virtual reality, MTV, video games and VCR's. Nobody really wants to think about things or create things. You have programs on a computer which will write a poem for you.
** As quoted in ''Kerrang!'' (14 December 1996).

* The world doesn't revolve around the sun, it revolves around a giant cock. That is what the world is about. It's about sex. Anybody who doesn't want to realize this is fooling themselves. People are bored because they've done everything they can do. So now the fear of death is the only thing that gets them excited. That's why some people have made me into some type of sex symbol. I'm death on wheels the way I look.
** As quoted in ''Guitar School'' (1996).{{fix cite}}

* Hopefully, I’ll be remembered as the person who brought an end to Christianity.
** As quoted in ''Spin'' (August 1996), p. 34.

* [The world's] not a great place anymore and it can't be. I'm sure it would have been much more enjoyable to be alive in the fifties, when there was at least an illusion of purity, and things that were taboo had such a great power to them. I think it was a time when magic was really alive. There's no imagination anymore. It was eliminated with video games and VCR's. I'm only necessary because of the way the world is. Well, maybe if I manage to make the world a better place then maybe I'd want to have a kid.
** As quoted in ''Guitar World'' (1996).{{fix cite}}

* I'm not anything like Brad Pitt or Antonio Banderas, but maybe it's the taboo element of my image, which is almost deathlike, that attracts them. I should be the last person that [people] should be attracted to.
** As quoted in ''CMJ'' (January 1997).{{fix cite}}

* In explaining things to people, I've come to terms with the fact that a lot of my goals are very Christian in the end. Because people no longer appreciate the taboos of sex, drugs, and rock &amp; roll. I have to take them as far as they've ever been taken before, on a grand scale, in order for the world to realize we have to start over. It's very much like the mythology of the bible, the end of the world, and the antichrist and people are made to make a choice about their faith. I think certain elements of that are correct.
** As quoted in ''CMJ'' (January 1997).{{fix cite}}

* It's really important for me to get across to our fans that whenever I put myself in different circumstances. It is to learn from it so I can relay it to others.
** As quoted in ''Circus'' (January 1997).

* &amp;hellip; if my ideology is a hand, then that's just two fingers. I incorporate a lot of Christian morality into what I do and in fact a lot of my beliefs are very conservative &amp;ndash; like my desire for the world to be a better place where people use more intelligence. If you had to condense all that I believe in, it's that responsible, intelligent people should be allowed to do what they want. That artists and performers and architects, people who contribute something to the world, that actually have something to say as opposed to a business man or a politician, say, people who actually contribute to society, the power should be traded. The creators are always suppressed &amp;ndash; other than the placebo &quot;fame&quot; that they're always given. I don't really suggest any solution &amp;ndash; that we could all kick them out of their positions of power and take over. It's just the idea that if you enjoy what you do, that's why you should do it.
**As quoted in ''NME'' (30 August 1997).

* &amp;hellip; if I hadn't gone to a private Christian school, I'd never have built up enough animosity to want to have started a band. And now that I have one, the fact that they are giving me such resistance and publicity, they have made me far bigger than they'd ever have wanted me to have become. So I guess in a strange way the Christians have influenced me the most.
** As quoted in ''Vox'' (October 1997).{{fix cite}}

*  I think onstage it was more me trying to show people my [[pain]], and offstage it was just feeling it, period.
** On mutilating himself, as quoted in [https://www.rollingstone.com/music/music-features/marilyn-manson-rose-mcgowan-twiggy-893441/ ''Rolling Stone''] (15 October 1998).

* Understand this, tell others: in my dream vultures chase me into my burning house. There, they pick out the brains of my family, dismember them, devour. I emerge from my home and I am burning, skin falling away like a snake as the structure crumbles into a black skeleton. I cannot fight off the vultures. A young man or woman emerges from the ashes. He/she doesn't save me, because he/she is holding my cracked and swollen heart in one hand and a piece of paper in the other. I can read it. It discusses and compares in great detail the differences between me and the vultures. He wraps my heart in the paper and tosses it to the ground. Can you see? 
** As quoted in MarilynManson.com (6 February 1999).{{fix cite}}

==== ''The Long Hard Road Out of Hell'' (1998) ====

* If you act like a rock star, you will be treated like one.

* I wanted to address the hypocrisy of talk show America. How morals are worn as a badge, to make you look good and how it is easier to talk about your beliefs than to live up to them.

* The only way that you achieve what you want and to fulfill your dreams and become great is by demanding that sort of attention. You have to make it happen.

* [...] art and commerce are in essence incompatible.

===2000s===
* Is adult entertainment killing our children? Or is killing our children entertaining adults?
** As quoted in MarilynManson.com (2000).{{fix cite}}

* If they think that an artist can destroy their faith, then their faith is rather fragile.
** As quoted in [http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/4175850.stm BBC News] (23 August 2005)

* To me, anything that is a church is really just far too close minded.
** As quoted in ''Ultimate Guitar'' (2007).{{fix cite}}

==== ''[[Bowling for Columbine]]'' (2002)====
:'''Marilyn Manson''': The two by-products of that whole tragedy were violence in entertainment and gun control. And how perfect that that was the two things that we were going to talk about with the upcoming election. And also, then we forgot about Monica Lewinsky and we forgot about the President was shooting bombs overseas &amp;ndash; yet I'm a bad guy because I sing some rock-and-roll songs &amp;ndash; and who's a bigger influence, [[Bill Clinton|the President]] or Marilyn Manson? I'd like to think me, but I'm going to go with the President.
:'''Michael Moore''': Do you know that on the day of the Columbine massacre, the U.S. dropped more bombs on [[Kosovo]] than any other day?
:'''Marilyn Manson''': I do know that, and I think that's really ironic, that nobody said, &quot;Well, maybe the President had an influence on this violent behavior.&quot; Because that's not the way the media wants to take it and spin it, and turn it into fear, because then you're watching television, you're watching the news, you're being pumped full of fear, there's floods, there's AIDS, there's murder, cut to commercial, buy the Acura, buy the Colgate, if you have bad breath, they're not going to talk to you, if you have pimples, the girl's not going to fuck you, and it's just this campaign of fear and consumption, and that's what I think it's all based on, the whole idea of 'keep everyone afraid and they'll consume.'

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Marilyn Manson''': When I was growing up, music was the only escape. If you put on a record, its not gonna yell at you about the way you dress, its gonna make you feel better about it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Michael Moore]]''': If you were to talk directly to the kids at Columbine or the people in that community, what would you say to them if they were here right now?
:'''Marilyn Manson''': I wouldn't say a single word to them. I would listen to what they have to say, and that's what no one did.

====''The High End of Low'' (2009)====
*We don't believe in credibility, because we know that we're fucking incredible.
**&quot;[http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/marilynmanson/werefromamerica.html We're From America]&quot;.

*We don't like to kill our unborn, we need them to grow up and fight our wars.
**&quot;[http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/marilynmanson/werefromamerica.html We're From America]&quot;.

===2010s===
*Art gives me the freedom I don’t have when I make music. In music, you feel a connection to the voice and think about the person behind it. In art that's secondary.
** Regarding his latest art exhibition, as quoted in [http://www.theage.com.au/ ''The Age''] (30 June 2010).{{fix cite}}
{{Misattributed begin}}

== Misattributed == 
* Suicide is painless.
** Though covered by Manson, this is actually a lyric to [[w:Suicide Is Painless|&quot;Suicide Is Painless&quot;]] written by [[w:Mike Altman|Mike Altman]] for the movie ''[[w:MASH (film)|M*A*S*H]]'' (1970); the music (written by [[w:Johnny Mandel|Johnny Mandel]]) later provided the theme music for the ''[[w:M*A*S*H (TV series)|M*A*S*H]]'' TV series.

* The death of one is a tragedy, but death of a million is just a statistic.
** Being from Manson's Fight Song of Holy Wood, this is actually a quote misattributed to [[George Orwell]], in his book,''[[Animal Farm]].” It is a paraphrase, from [[Josef Stalin]], in his response to the mass purges during the 1930s, that he ordered. He said, “A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.”

{{Misattributed end}}

==Quotes about Manson==
*[A] dude's getting bullied and shoots up his school, and they blame it on Marilyn and the heroin; where were the parents at?
**[[Eminem|Marshall B. Mathers]], [http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/eminem/thewayiam.html &quot;The Way I Am&quot;] (2000), ''The Marshall Mathers LP''

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{Commons category}}

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[[Category:Rock singers]]
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[[Category:Alternative metal]]
[[Category:Blues rock]]
[[Category:Guitarists from the United States]]
[[Category:Painters from the United States]]
[[Category:Actors from the United States]]
[[Category:Autobiographers from the United States]]
[[Category:Journalists from the United States]]
[[Category:Critics of religion]]
[[Category:Media critics]]
[[Category:People from Canton]]
[[Category:1969 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]

*http://www.marilynmanson.com/
*http://www.mansonwiki.com/</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Augustine of Hippo</title>
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      <text bytes="153207" xml:space="preserve">[[File:FCoghetti 02.JPG|thumb|Inasmuch as [[love]] [[grows]] in you, in so much [[beauty]] grows; for love is itself the beauty of the [[soul]].]]
[[File:Saint Augustine by Philippe de Champaigne.jpg|thumb|right|Once for all, then, a short precept is given thee: [[Love]], and do what thou wilt.]]
'''[[w:St. Augustine of Hippo|St. Augustine of Hippo]] ''' ([[13 November]] [[354]] – [[28 August]] [[430]]) was a Christian [[theologian]], rhetor, North African bishop, Doctor of the [[w:Catholic Church|Catholic Church]], [[saint]], and a [[philosopher]] influenced in his early years by [[w:Manichaeism|Manichaeism]] and the [[w:Neoplatonism|Neo-Platonism]] of [[Plotinus]].
[[File:Augustine Lateran.jpg|thumb|[[Love]] the sinner and [[hate]] the [[sin]].]]
::'''See also:''' '''''[[Confessions (Augustine)|Confessions]]'''''

== Quotes ==
[[File:Michael Pacher - Altarpiece of the Church Fathers - St Augustine Liberating a Prisoner - WGA16814.jpg|thumb|An unjust [[law]] is no law at all.]]
[[File:Sant'Agostino lava i piedi di Cristo - Lanfranco.jpg|thumb|right|The spiritual [[virtue]] of a sacrament is like [[light]], — although it passes among the impure, it is not polluted.]]
[[File:Sen-augustyna-gustaw-gwozdecki.jpg|thumb|[[Patience]] is the companion of [[wisdom]].]]

* '''Nowhere in the Gospel do we read that the Lord said: &quot;I am sending you a [[w:Paraclete|Paraclete]] who will teach you about the course of the [[sun]] and [[moon]].&quot; For He wanted to make [[Christians]], not [[mathematicians]].'''
** ''De actis cum Felice Manicheo''  {AD 404), translated as ''A Debate with Felix the Manichean'', ¶1709, in [https://books.google.com/books?id=rkvLsueY_DwC&amp;pg=PA88&amp;lpg=PA88&amp;dq=augustine+a+debate+with+felix+the+manichean&amp;source=bl&amp;ots=hjro48PiBF&amp;sig=ARQdKxrvvOTvzhIZHPqDRnldwWk&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0ahUKEwj8ybaI0oLLAhUM4GMKHUosAaYQ6AEIJzAC#v=onepage&amp;q=augustine%20a%20debate%20with%20felix%20the%20manichean&amp;f=false ''The Faith of the Early Fathers'' Vol 3 : ''St. Augustine to the End of the Patristic Age''] by W.A. Jurgens, p. 88
** Variant translations: 
** One does not read in the Gospel that the Lord said: &quot;I will send you the Paraclete who will teach you about the course of the sun and moon.&quot; For He willed to make them Christians, not mathematicians.
*** As quoted in ''Science Teaching : The Role of History and Philosophy of Science'' (1994) by Michael R. Matthews, p. 195

* The superfluities of the rich are the necessaries of the poor. They who possess superfluities, possess the goods of others.
** ''Patrologia Latina'', vol. 37, p. 1922

* ''Cum dilectione hominum et odio vitiorum.''
** '''[[Love]] the sinner and [[hate]] the [[sin]].'''
*** ''Opera Omnia'', Vol II. Col. 962, letter 211
** Alternate translation: With love for mankind and hatred of sins (vices).

* '''An unjust [[law]] is no law at all.'''
** ''On Free Choice Of The Will'', Book 1, § 5

* '''[[God]] judged it better to bring [[good]] out of [[evil]] than to suffer no evil to exist.'''
** ''[[w:Enchiridion of Augustine| Enchiridion]]'' (''c.'' 420 ), Ch. 27

* The confession of [[evil]] [[works]] is the first beginning of [[good]] works.
** ''Tractates on the Gospel of John''; tractate XII on John 3:6-21, § 13 [https://web.archive.org/web/*/http://www.newadvent.org/fathers/1701012.htm]

* ''Ergo noli quaerere intelligere ut credas, sed crede ut intelligas.''
** '''Therefore do not seek to [[understand]] in order to [[believe]], but believe that thou mayest understand.'''
*** ''Tractates on the Gospel of John''; tractate XXIX on John 7:14-18, §6 [http://www.ccel.org/ccel/schaff/npnf107.iii.xxx.html ''A Select Library of the Nicene And Post-Nicene Fathers of the Christian Church'' Volume VII by St. Augustine, chapter VII (1888) as translated by Philip Schaff].
***Compare: [[w:Anselm of Canterbury#Foundation|Anselm of Canterbury]]: &quot;Nor do I seek to understand that I may believe, but I believe that I may understand&quot;.

*''Spiritalis enim virtus Sacramenti ita est ut lux: et ab illuminandis pura excipitur, et si per immundos transeat, non inquinatur.''
** '''For the spiritual power of a sacrament is like light in this way: it is both received pure by those to be enlightened, and if it passes through the impure it is not defiled.'''
*** ''Tractates on the Gospel of John''; tractate V on John 1:33, §15; translation by R. Willems
****Compare:
***** The [[sun]], too, shines into cesspools and is not polluted.
****** [[Diogenes Laërtius]], Lib. vi. section 63
***** A very weighty argument is this — namely, that neither does the light which descends from thence, chiefly upon the [[world]], mix itself with anything, nor admit of dirtiness or pollution, but remains entirely, and in all things that are, free from defilement, admixture, and suffering.
****** [[Julian]], in [http://www.tertullian.org/fathers/julian_apostate_1_sun.htm Upon the Sovereign Sun], (''c''. December 362), as translated by C. W. King in ''Julian the Emperor'' (1888) - [http://www.archive.org/details/julianemperorco00juligoog Full text online]
***** The sun, which passeth through pollutions and itself remains as [[pure]] as before.
******  [[Francis Bacon]], ''Advancement of Learning'', Book II (1605)

* '''If any one will piously and soberly consider the sermon which our Lord [[Jesus Christ|Jesus]] [[Sermon on the Mount|spoke on the mount]], as we read it in the ''[[Gospel according to Matthew]]'', I think that he will find in it, so far as regards the highest morals, a perfect standard of the Christian life: and this we do not rashly venture to promise, but gather it from the very words of the Lord Himself.''' For the sermon itself is brought to a close in such a way, that it is clear there are in it all the precepts which go to mould the life. … He has sufficiently indicated, as I think, that these sayings which He uttered on the mount so perfectly guide the life of those who may be willing to live according to them, that they may justly be compared to one building upon a rock.
** [http://www.newadvent.org/fathers/16011.htm ''On the Sermon on the Mount'', as translated by William Findlay (1888), Book I, Ch. 1]

*  '''What, then, does He say? &quot;''Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the [[kingdom of heaven]].''&quot; '''We read in Scripture concerning the striving after temporal things, &quot;''All is vanity and presumption of spirit''&quot;; but presumption of spirit means audacity and pride: usually also the proud are said to have great spirits; and rightly, inasmuch as the wind also is called spirit. And hence it is written, &quot;''Fire, hail, snow, ice, spirit of tempest''.&quot; But, indeed, who does not know that the proud are spoken of as puffed up, as if swelled out with wind? And hence also that expression of the apostle, &quot;''Knowledge puffs up, but charity edifies''&quot;. '''And the poor in spirit are rightly understood here, as meaning the [[humble]] and God-fearing, i.e. those who have not the spirit which puffs up. Nor ought blessedness to begin at any other point whatever, if indeed it is to attain unto the highest wisdom; &quot;''but the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom''&quot;; for, on the other hand also, &quot;''pride''&quot; is entitled &quot;the beginning of all sin.&quot; Let the proud, therefore, seek after and love the kingdoms of the earth; but &quot;''blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.''&quot;
** ''On the [[Sermon on the Mount]]'', as translated by William Findlay (1888), Book I, Ch. 1

* ''Patientia comes est sapientiae''
** Patience is the companion of wisdom.
*** [http://www.augustinus.it/latino/pazienza/index.htm ''De Patientia''] chapter 5

* If thou shouldst say, 'It is enough, I have reached [[perfection]],'  all is lost. For it is the function of perfection to make one know one's imperfection. 
** Quoted by [[Aldous Huxley]], in [https://archive.org/details/perennialphilosp035505mbp ''The Perennial Philosophy''] (1945)

===''De Libero Arbitrio'' (388 - 395) ===
[[File:Lady godiva full.jpg|thumb|[[Will]] is to [[grace]] as the [[horse]] is to the rider.]] 

* '''[[Will]] is to [[grace]] as the [[horse]] is to the rider.'''

* '''If there is something more excellent than the [[truth]], then that is [[God]]; if not, then truth itself is God.'''

===''Psalmus Contra Partem Donati - Psalm Against the [[w:Donatism|Donatists]]'' (c. 393)===
:Variously titled, “Psalm Against the Party of the Donatists,” “Alphabetical Psalm Against the Donatists,” “One Book, a Psalm against the Party of the Donatists,” [http://books.google.com/books?id=DikZ4GEmgUIC&amp;pg=PA86] etc. Latin text in Migne [[w:Patrologia Latina| Patrologia Latina (PL)]] 43:23-32 [http://books.google.com/books?id=ErHUAAAAMAAJ&amp;pg=PA20-IA1&amp;dq] &quot;St. Augustine began his victorious campaign against Donatism soon after he was ordained priest in 391. His popular psalm or &quot;[[w:Abecedarium|Abecedarium]]&quot; against the [[w:Donatism|Donatists]]  was intended to make known to the people the arguments set forth by [[w:Optatus|St. Optatus]], with the same conciliatory end in view. It shows that the sect was founded by traditors, condemned by pope and council, separated from the whole world, a cause of division, violence, and bloodshed;* the true Church is the one Vine, whose branches are over all the earth.&quot; - ''Catholic Encyclopedia'' [http://books.google.com/books?id=v7RAAQAAIAAJ&amp;pg=PA127] * Augustine frequently complained of the Donatist's violence against the Catholics (see e.g. letters [http://books.google.com/books?id=jg7ZOUWnHeMC&amp;pg=PA55 105], [http://books.google.com/books?id=cJnjXWQpknIC&amp;pg=PA194 185] [http://books.google.com/books?id=NXkXAAAAIAAJ&amp;pg=PA560 209]). Even so, he maintained a deep pastoral love and concern for them, [http://books.google.com/books?id=2X9PAAAAYAAJ&amp;pg=PA311] and ever strove for their eventual return to &quot;the Unity,&quot; one of his &quot;favorite names for the Catholic Church.&quot; [http://books.google.com/books?id=DAn6876NIZYC&amp;pg=PA259].

*'''[[All]] those of you who rejoice in [[peace]], now it is time to judge the [[truth]]'''....&lt;br&gt;Undoubtedly in days gone by there were holy men as Scripture tells,&lt;br&gt;For [[God]] stated that he left behind seven thousand men in safety,&lt;br&gt;And there are many priests and kings who are righteous under the [[law]],&lt;br&gt;There you find so many of the [[prophets]], and many of the people too.&lt;br&gt;'''Tell me which of the righteous of that time claimed an altar for himself?'''&lt;br&gt;That wicked nation perpetrated a very large number of crimes,&lt;br&gt;They sacrificed to idols and may prophets were put to death,&lt;br&gt;'''Yet not a single one of the righteous withdrew from [[unity]].'''&lt;br&gt;The righteous endured the unrighteous while waiting for the winnower:&lt;br&gt;They all mingled in one temple but were not mingled in their hearts;&lt;br&gt;They said such things against them yet they had a single altar.
**''Early Christian Latin Poets'', 2000, Carolinne White, Routledge, London, &lt;small&gt;{{ISBN|0415187826}} {{ISBN|9780415187824}}&lt;/small&gt; p. 55. [http://books.google.com/books?id=MoI963yzTisC&amp;pg=PA55]

*Venite fratres, si vultis ut inseramini in vite;&lt;br&gt;Dolor est cum vos videmus praecisos ita jacere.&lt;br&gt;'''Numerate sacerdotes vel ab ipsa Petri sede;&lt;br&gt;Et in ordine illo Patrum quis cui successit videte.'''&lt;br&gt;Ipsa est petra, quam non vincunt superbae inferorum portae. (PL 43:30 [http://books.google.com/books?id=SXPYAAAAMAAJ&amp;pg=RA1-PT3]).
**Come, brethren, if you wish to be engrafted in the vine.&lt;br&gt;It grieves us to see you thus lie cut off.&lt;br&gt;'''Number the priests in the very chair of Peter,&lt;br&gt;And see in that order of fathers who succeeded the other'''.&lt;br&gt;This is the rock which the proud gates of hell overcome not.
*** [http://books.google.com/books?id=uIYQAAAAIAAJ&amp;pg=PA42 ''Publications of the Catholic Truth Society'' (1895), Catholic Truth Society, London, vol. 24, p. 42.]
**Alternate translation: Come brethren, if you have a mind to be ingrafted in the vine,&lt;br&gt;It is a pity to see you lopped off in this manner From the stock.&lt;br&gt;Reckon up the prelates in the very see of Peter;&lt;br&gt;And in that order of fathers see which has succeeded which.&lt;br&gt;This is the rock over which the proud gates of hell prevail not. (A reference to [http://biblehub.com/matthew/16-18.htm Matthew 16:18].)
***[http://books.google.com/books?id=WaposfecSRUC&amp;pg=PA94 ''Our Church, Her Children and Institutions'' (1908), Henry Coyle, et al, Angel Guardian Press, Boston, Mass. P. 98.]

===''[[Confessions (Augustine)|Confessions]]'' (''c''. 397)===
[[File:Saint Augustine and Saint Monica.jpg|thumb|right|You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they rest in you.]]
::See also ''[[Confessions (Augustine)|Confessions]]''
* ''Fecisti nos ad te et inquietum est cor nostrum donec requiescat in te.''
** '''You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our [[hearts]] are restless until they rest in you.'''
** I, 1

* The weakness of little children's limbs is innocent, not their [[souls]].
** I, 7

* I became [[evil]] for no [[reason]]. I had no motive for my wickedness except wickedness itself. It was foul, and I loved it. I loved the self-destruction, I loved my fall, not the object for which I had fallen but my fall itself. My depraved soul leaped down from your firmament to ruin. I was seeking not to gain anything by shameful means, but shame for its own sake.
**II, 4

*''Nondum amabam, et amare amabam...quaerebam quid amarem, amans amare.''
**'''I was not yet in [[love]], yet I loved to love...I sought what I might love, in love with loving.'''
**III, 1

*''Et illa erant fercula, in quibus mihi esurienti te inferebatur sol et luna.''
**And these were the dishes wherein to me, hunger-starven for thee, they served up the sun and the moon.
**III, 6

* '''Already I had learned from thee that because a thing is eloquently expressed it should not be taken to be as necessarily true; nor because it is uttered with stammering lips should it be supposed false. Nor, again, is it necessarily true because rudely uttered, nor untrue because the language is brilliant.''' [[Wisdom]] and [[folly]] both are like meats that are wholesome and unwholesome, and courtly or simple [[words]] are like town-made or rustic vessels — '''both kinds of [[food]] may be served in either kind of dish.'''
** V, 6
** Variation on the middle sentence: A thing is not necessarily true because badly uttered, nor false because spoken magnificently.
** Variation on the middle sentence: A thing is not necessarily false because it is badly expressed, nor true because it is expressed magnificently.

* For it still seemed to me “that it is not we who sin, but some other nature sinned in us.” And it gratified my pride to be beyond blame, and when I did anything wrong not to have to confess that I had done wrong. … I loved to excuse my soul and to accuse something else inside me (I knew not what) but which was not I. But, assuredly, it was I, and it was my impiety that had divided me against myself. That sin then was all the more incurable because I did not deem myself a sinner.
** A. Outler, trans. (Dover: 2002), Book 5, Chapter 10, p. 77

* The Catholic faith, … I now realized could be maintained without presumption. This was especially true after I had heard one or two parts of the Old Testament explained allegorically—whereas before this, when I had interpreted them literally, they had “killed” me spiritually.
** A. Outler, trans. (Dover: 2002), Book 5, Chapter 14, p. 81.

* I read there [in &quot;certain books of the Platonists&quot;] that [[God]] the [[Word]] was born &quot;not of flesh nor of blood, nor of the will of man, nor the will of the flesh, but of God.&quot; But, that &quot;the Word was made flesh, and dwelt among us&quot; — I found this nowhere there.
** VII, 9

* ''At ego adulescens miser ualde, miser in exordio ipsius adulescentiae, etiam petieram a te castitatem et dixeram, 'Da mihi castitatem et continentiam, sed noli modo.'''
** As a youth I prayed, &quot;'''Give me [[chastity]] and continence, but not right now.'''&quot;
** VIII, 7

* ''Dicebam haec et flebam amarissima contritione cordis mei. Et ecce audio vocem de vicina domo cum cantu dicentis et crebro repetentis, quasi pueri an puellae, nescio: '''tolle lege, tolle lege.''' Statimque mutato vultu intentissimus cogitare coepi utrumnam solerent pueri in aliquo genere ludendi cantitare tale aliquid. Nec occurrebat omnino audisse me uspiam, repressoque impetu lacrimarum surrexi, nihil aliud interpretans divinitus mihi iuberi nisi ut aperirem codicem et legerem quod primum caput invenissem. Audieram enim de Antonio quod ex evangelica lectione cui forte supervenerat admonitus fuerit, tamquam sibi diceretur quod legebatur: &quot;Vade, vende omnia quae habes, et da pauperibus et habebis thesaurum in caelis; et veni, sequere me,&quot; et tali oraculo confestim ad te esse conversum. Itaque concitus redii in eum locum ubi sedebat Alypius: ibi enim posueram codicem apostoli cum inde surrexeram. arripui, aperui, et legi in silentio capitulum quo primum coniecti sunt oculi mei: &quot;Non in comessationibus et ebrietatibus, non in cubilibus et impudicitiis, non in contentione et aemulatione, sed induite dominum Iesum Christum et carnis providentiam ne feceritis in concupiscentiis.&quot; Nec ultra volui legere nec opus erat. Statim quippe cum fine huiusce sententiae quasi luce securitatis infusa cordi meo omnes dubitationis tenebrae diffugerunt.''
** I was saying these things and weeping in the most bitter contrition of my heart, when suddenly I heard the voice of a boy or a girl I know not which — coming from the neighboring house, chanting over and over again, &quot;'''Take up and read; take up and read'''.&quot; Immediately I ceased weeping and began most earnestly to think whether it was usual for children in some kind of game to sing such a song, but I could not remember ever having heard the like. So, damming the torrent of my tears, I got to my feet, for I could not but think that this was a divine command to open the Bible and read the first passage I should light upon. For I had heard how Anthony, accidentally coming into church while the gospel was being read, received the admonition as if what was read had been addressed to him: &quot;Go and sell what you have and give it to the poor, and you shall have treasure in heaven; and come and follow me&quot; (Matt. 19:21). By such an oracle he was forthwith converted to thee. So I quickly returned to the bench where Alypius was sitting, for there I had put down the apostle’s book when I had left there. I snatched it up, opened it, and in silence read the paragraph on which my eyes first fell: &quot;Not in rioting and drunkenness, not in chambering and wantonness, not in strife and envying, but put on the Lord [[Jesus]] [[Christ]], and make no provision for the flesh to fulfill the lusts thereof&quot; (Rom. 13:13). I wanted to read no further, nor did I need to. For instantly, as the sentence ended, there was infused in my heart something like the light of full certainty and all the gloom of doubt vanished away.
** VIII, 12

* But the inner part is the better part; for to it, as both ruler and judge, all these messengers of the senses report the answers of heaven and earth and all the things therein, who said, &quot;We are not God, but he made us.&quot; My inner man knew these things through the ministry of the outer man, and I, the inner man, knew all this — I, the soul, through the senses of my body. I asked the whole frame of earth about my God, and it answered, &quot;I am not he, but he made me.&quot;
** X, 6

*''Sero te amavi, pulchritudo tam antiqua et tam nova, sero te amavi! et ecce intus eras et ego foris, et ibi te quaerebam.
**'''Late have I loved you, O [[Beauty]] ever ancient and ever new! Late have I loved you! And, behold, you were within me, and I out of myself, and there I searched for you.'''
*** X, 27, as translated in ''Theology and Discovery: Essays in honor of Karl Rahner, S.J.'' (1980) edited by William J. Kelly
** Variant translations:
*** So late I loved you, O Beauty ever ancient and ever new! So late I loved you!
**** The Ethics of Modernism: Moral Ideas in Yeats, Eliot, Joyce, Woolf, and Beckett‎'' (2007), by Lee Oser, p. 29
*** Too late I loved you, O Beauty ever ancient and ever new! Too late I loved you! And, behold, you were within me, and I out of myself, and there I searched for you.
**** ''Introduction to a Philosophy of Religion'' (1970) by Alice Von Hildebrand

* ''Da quod iubes, et iube quod vis. Imperas nobis … continentiam.''
** Give what you command, and command what you will. You impose continency on us.
** X, 29

* ''Mihi quaestio factus sum.''
** I have become a question to myself.
** X, 33

* People travel to wonder at the height of mountains, at the huge waves of the sea, at the long courses of rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motion of the stars; and they pass by themselves without wondering.
** Variant: Men go abroad to admire the heights of mountains, the mighty billows of the sea, the broad tides of rivers, the compass of the ocean, and the circuits of the stars, and pass themselves by.
** X

* There is another form of temptation, more complex in its peril. … It originates in an appetite for [[knowledge]]. … From this malady of curiosity are all those strange sights exhibited in the theatre. Hence do we proceed to search out the secret powers of nature (which is beside our end), which to know profits not, and wherein men desire nothing but to know.
** [[s:Nicene and Post-Nicene Fathers: Series I/Volume I/Confessions/Book X/Chapter 35|X, 35]]

* ''Ecce respondeo dicenti, 'quid faciebat deus antequam faceret caelum et terram?' respondeo non illud quod quidam respondisse perhibetur, ioculariter eludens quaestionis violentiam: 'alta,' inquit, 'scrutantibus gehennas parabat.' aliud est videre, aliud ridere: haec non respondeo. libentius enim responderim, ''''nescio quod nescio'''' quam illud unde inridetur qui alta interrogavit et laudatur qui falsa respondit.''
**  How, then, shall I respond to him who asks, “What was God doing before he made heaven and earth?” I do not answer, as a certain one is reported to have done facetiously (shrugging off the force of the question). “He was preparing hell,” he said, “for those who pry too deep.” It is one thing to see the answer; it is another to laugh at the questioner--and for myself I do not answer these things thus. More willingly would I have answered, '''“I do not know what I do not know,”''' than cause one who asked a deep question to be ridiculed--and by such tactics gain praise for a worthless answer.
** Book XI, Chapter XII; translation by E.B. Pusey

* ''Quid est ergo tempus? Si nemo ex me quaerat, scio; si quaerenti explicare velim, nescio.''
** '''What then is [[time]]? If no one asks me, I know what it is. If I wish to explain it to him who asks, I do not know. '''
** [[s:Nicene and Post-Nicene Fathers: Series I/Volume I/Confessions/Book XI/Chapter 14|XI, 14]]

* You called and cried out loud and shattered my deafness. You were radiant and resplendent, you put to flight my blindness. You were fragrant, and I drew in my breath and now pant after you. I tasted you, and I feel but hunger and thirst for you. You touched me, and I am set on fire to attain the peace which is yours.

* ''Deus, dona hominibus videre in parvo communes notitias rerum parvarum atque magnarum.''[http://books.google.com/books?id=lM5PQRHMNFwC&amp;q=%22Deus+dona+hominibus+videre+in+parvo+communes+notitias+rerum+parvarum+atque+magnarum%22&amp;pg=PR19#v=onepage]
** Translation: God, grant us men to see in a small thing principles which are common things both small and great.
** [[s:Nicene and Post-Nicene Fathers: Series I/Volume I/Confessions/Book XI/Chapter 23|XI, 23]]

* Wonderful is the depth of Thy oracles, whose surface is before us, inviting the little ones; and yet wonderful is the depth, O my God, wonderful is the depth. It is awe to look into it; and awe of honour, and a tremor of love. The enemies thereof I hate vehemently. Oh, if Thou wouldest slay them with Thy two-edged sword, that they be not its enemies! For thus do I love, that they should be slain unto themselves that they may live unto Thee. 
** [[s:Nicene and Post-Nicene Fathers: Series I/Volume I/Confessions/Book XII/Chapter 14|XII, 14]]

===''[[w:City of God (book)|The City of God]]'' (early 400s)===
:&lt;small&gt; ''De Civitate Dei'' [[s:The City of God|full text online at Wikisource]] as translated by Rev. George Wilson and Rev. J. J. Smith&lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt;Quotations are from Wilson and Smith translation unless otherwise specified.&lt;/small&gt;

[[File:Sandro Botticelli 050.jpg|thumb|right|The [[good]] [[man]], though a [[slave]], is [[free]]; the [[wicked]], though he [[reigns]], is a slave.]]

* '''To the divine providence it has seemed good to prepare in the world to come for the righteous good things, which the unrighteous shall not enjoy; and for the wicked evil things, by which the good shall not be tormented.''' But as for the good things of this life, and its ills, God has willed that these should be common to both; that we might not too eagerly covet the things which wicked men are seen equally to enjoy, nor shrink with an unseemly fear from the ills which even good men often suffer. &lt;br&gt;There is, too, a very great difference in the purpose served both by those events which we call adverse and those called prosperous. For the good man is neither uplifted with the good things of time, nor broken by its ills; but the wicked man, because he is corrupted by this world’s happiness, feels himself punished by its unhappiness.
** [[s:The City of God/Book I/Chapter 8|I, 8]]

* '''Wherefore, though good and bad men suffer alike, we must not suppose that there is no difference between the men themselves, because there is no difference in what they both suffer. For even in the likeness of the sufferings, there remains an unlikeness in the sufferers; and though exposed to the same anguish, virtue and vice are not the same thing.''' For as the same fire causes gold to glow brightly, and chaff to smoke; and under the same flail the straw is beaten small, while the grain is cleansed; and as the lees are not mixed with the oil, though squeezed out of the vat by the same pressure, so the same violence of affliction proves, purges, clarifies the good, but damns, ruins, exterminates the wicked. And thus it is that in the same affliction the wicked detest God and blaspheme, while the good pray and praise. '''So material a difference does it make, not what ills are suffered, but what kind of man suffers them. For, stirred up with the same movement, mud exhales a horrible stench, and ointment emits a fragrant odor.'''
** Variant translations:
** '''Virtue and vice are not the same, even if they undergo the same torment.'''
** '''The violence which assails good men to test them, to cleanse and purify them, effects in the wicked their condemnation, ruin, and annihilation.'''

* Thus, in this universal catastrophe, the sufferings of Christians have tended to their moral improvement, because they viewed them with eyes of faith.
**I, 9

*&lt;p&gt;''Ipsa libido dominandi, quae inter alia uitia generis humani meracior inerat uniuerso populo Romano, postea quam in paucis potentioribus uicit, obtritos fatigatosque ceteros etiam iugo seruitutis oppressit.''&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;''Nam quando illa quiesceret in superbissimis mentibus, donec continuatis honoribus ad potestatem regiam perueniret? Honorum porro continuandorum facultas non esset, nisi ambitio praeualeret. Minime autem praeualeret ambitio, nisi in populo auaritia luxuriaque corrupto.''&lt;/p&gt;
**&lt;p&gt;The lust for power, which of all human vices was found in its most concentrated form in the Roman people as a whole, first established its victory in a few powerful individuals, and then crushed the rest of an exhausted country beneath the yoke of slavery.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;For when can that lust for power in arrogant hearts come to rest until, after passing from one office to another, it arrives at sovereignty? Now there would be no occasion for this continuous progress if ambition were not all-powerful; and the essential context for ambition is a people corrupted by greed and sensuality.&lt;/p&gt;
*** as translated by H. Bettenson (1972), Book 1, Chapter 31, p. 42

*'''The Heavenly City outshines Rome, beyond comparison. There, instead of victory, is truth; instead of high rank, holiness; instead of peace, felicity; instead of life, eternity.'''
**Book II, Chapter 29

* '''The dominion of bad men is hurtful chiefly to themselves who rule, for they destroy their own souls by greater license in wickedness; while those who are put under them in service are not hurt except by their own iniquity.''' For to the just all the evils imposed on them by unjust rulers are not the punishment of crime, but the test of virtue. '''Therefore the good man, although he is a slave, is free; but the bad man, even if he reigns, is a slave, and that not of one man, but, what is far more grievous, of as many masters as he has vices'''; of which vices when the divine Scripture treats, it says, “For of whom any man is overcome, to the same he is also the bond-slave.”
** [[s:The City of God/Book IV/Chapter 3|IV, 3]]
** Variant translation: '''The good man, though a slave, is free; the wicked, though he reigns, is a slave, and not the slave of a single man, but — what is worse — the slave of as many masters as he has vices.'''

* ''Remota itaque iustitia quid sunt regna nisi magna latrocinia? quia et latrocinia quid sunt nisi parua regna? Manus et ipsa hominum est, imperio principis regitur, pacto societatis astringitur, placiti lege praeda diuiditur. Hoc malum si in tantum perditorum hominum accessibus crescit, ut et loca teneat sedes constituat, ciuitates occupet populos subiuget, euidentius regni nomen adsumit, quod ei iam in manifesto confert non dempta cupiditas, sed addita inpunitas. Eleganter enim et ueraciter Alexandro illi Magno quidam comprehensus pirata respondit. Nam cum idem rex hominem interrogaret, quid ei uideretur, ut mare haberet infestum, ille libera contumacia: Quod tibi, inquit, ut orbem terrarum; sed quia &lt;id&gt; ego exiguo nauigio facio, latro uocor; quia tu magna classe, imperator.''
** '''[[Justice]] being taken away, then, what are kingdoms but great robberies?''' For what are robberies themselves, but little kingdoms? The band itself is made up of men; it is ruled by the authority of a prince, it is knit together by the pact of the confederacy; the booty is divided by the law agreed on. If, by the admittance of abandoned men, this evil increases to such a degree that it holds places, fixes abodes, takes possession of cities, and subdues peoples, it assumes the more plainly the name of a kingdom, because the reality is now manifestly conferred on it, not by the removal of covetousness, but by the addition of impunity. Indeed, that was an apt and true reply which was given to [[Alexander the Great]] by a pirate who had been seized. For when that king had asked the man what he meant by keeping hostile possession of the sea, he answered with bold pride, “What thou meanest by seizing the whole earth; but because I do it with a petty ship, I am called a robber, whilst thou who dost it with a great fleet art styled emperor.”
*** [[s:The City of God/Book IV/Chapter 4|IV, 4]]

* For if they imagine infinite spaces of time before the world, during which God could not have been idle, in like manner they may conceive outside the world infinite realms of space, in which, '''if any one says that the Omnipotent cannot hold His hand from working, will it not follow that they must adopt [[Epicurus]]’ dream of innumerable worlds? with this difference only, that he asserts that they are formed and destroyed by the fortuitous movements of atoms, while they will hold that they are made by God’s hand''', if they maintain that, throughout the boundless immensity of space, stretching interminably in every direction round the world, God cannot rest, and that the worlds which they suppose Him to make cannot be destroyed. ...'''neither does it follow that we should suppose that God was guided by chance when He created the world''' in that and no earlier time, although previous times had been running by during an infinite past, and though there was no difference by which one time could be chosen in preference to another. But '''if they say that the thoughts of men are idle when they conceive infinite places, since there is no place beside the world, we reply that, by the same showing, it is vain to conceive of the past times of God’s rest, since there is no time before the world.'''
** [[s:The City of God/Book XI/Chapter 5|XI, 5]]

* '''For when [[God]] said, “Let there be [[light]], and there was light,” if we are justified in understanding in this light the creation of the [[angels]], then certainly they were created partakers of the [[eternal]] light which is the unchangeable [[Wisdom]] of God, by which all things were made, and whom we call the only-begotten Son of God'''; so that they, being illumined by the Light that created them, might themselves become light and be called “Day,” in participation of that unchangeable Light and Day which is the Word of God, by whom both themselves and all else were made. “The true Light, which lighteth every man that cometh into the world,” — this Light lighteth also every pure angel, that he may be light not in himself, but in God; from whom if an angel turn away, he becomes impure, as are all those who are called unclean spirits, and are no longer light in the Lord, but darkness in themselves, being deprived of the participation of Light eternal. '''For evil has no positive nature; but the loss of good has received the name “evil.”'''
** [[s:The City of God/Book XI/Chapter 9|XI, 9]]

* '''We both are, and know that we are, and delight in our being, and our knowledge of it. Moreover, in these three things no true-seeming illusion disturbs us; for we do not come into contact with these by some bodily sense, as we perceive the things outside of us of all which sensible objects it is the images resembling them, but not themselves which we perceive in the mind and hold in the memory, and which excite us to desire the objects. But, without any delusive representation of images or phantasms, I am most certain that I am, and that I know and delight in this.''' In respect of these truths, I am not at all afraid of the arguments of the Academicians, who say, What if you are deceived? '''For if I am deceived, I am.''' For he who is not, cannot be deceived; and if I am deceived, by this same token I am. And since I am if I am deceived, how am I deceived in believing that I am? for it is certain that I am if I am deceived. Since, therefore, I, the person deceived, should be, even if I were deceived, certainly I am not deceived in this [[knowledge]] that I am. '''And, consequently, neither am I deceived in knowing that I know.''' For, as I know that I am, so I know this also, that I know. And when I love these two things, I add to them a certain third thing, namely, my love, which is of equal moment. '''For neither am I deceived in this, that I love, since''' in those things which I love I am not deceived; though '''even if these were false, it would still be true that I loved false things.''' For how could I justly be blamed and prohibited from loving false things, if it were false that I loved them? But, since they are true and real, who doubts that when they are loved, the love of them is itself true and real? '''Further, as there is no one who does not wish to be happy, so there is no one who does not wish''' [themself] '''to be''' [into being]'''. For how can he be happy, if he is nothing?'''
** [[w:The City of God/Book XI/Chapter 26|XI, 26]], Parts of this passage has been heavily compared with later statements of [[René Descartes]]; in Latin and with a variant translations:
:''Quid, si falleris? Si enim fallor, sum. Nam qui non est, utique nec falli potest; ac per hoc sum, si fallor. Quia ergo '''sum si fallor''', quo modo esse me fallor, quando certum est me esse, si fallor.''
:: '''What difference, if you are mistaken? For if I am mistaken, I am. For he who is not, assuredly cannot be mistaken; and therefore I am, if I am mistaken. Therefore because I am if I am mistaken, how am I mistaken that I am, when it is sure that I am, if I am mistaken.''''
: The Latin variations of the statement ''sum si fallor'' (I am because I err), have sometimes become paraphrased ''Fallor, ergo sum'' ('''I err, therefore I am'''), based on the form of the later ''Cogito, ergo sum'' (I think, therefore I am) of ''[[w:Principles of Philosophy|Principles of Philosophy]]'' (1644) by Descartes. Familiarity with Augustine's thought could have actually inspired some of Descartes statements here and in the earlier ''[[w:Meditations on First Philosophy|Meditations on First Philosophy]]'' (1641): &quot;'''Doubt is the origin of wisdom.'''&quot;.

* '''[[Beauty]] is indeed a good gift of God; but that the good may not think it a great good, God dispenses it even to the wicked.'''
** [[s:The City of God/Book XV/Chapter 22|XV, 22]] &lt;!-- As translated by Marcus Dods in ''The Works of Aurelius Augustine : A New Translation'', Vol. 2, p. 91 --&gt;

* '''The philosophers who wished us to have the gods for our friends rank the [[friendship]] of the holy angels in the fourth circle of society, advancing now from the three circles of society on earth to the universe, and embracing heaven itself.''' And in this friendship we have indeed no fear that the angels will grieve us by their death or deterioration. But as we cannot mingle with them as familiarly as with men (which itself is one of the grievances of this life), and as Satan, as we read, sometimes transforms himself into an angel of light, to tempt those whom it is necessary to discipline, or just to deceive, there is great need of God’s mercy to preserve us from making friends of demons in disguise, while we fancy we have good angels for our friends; for the astuteness and deceitfulness of these wicked spirits is equalled by their hurtfulness.
** [[s:The City of God/Book XIX/Chapter 9|XIX, 9]]

* But if we discard this definition of a people, and, assuming another, say that '''a people is an assemblage of reasonable beings bound together by a common agreement as to the objects of their love,''' then, in order to discover the character of any people, we have only to observe what they love.  Yet whatever it loves, if only it is an assemblage of reasonable beings and not of beasts, and is bound together by an agreement as to the objects of love, it is reasonably called a people; and it will be a superior people in proportion as it is bound together by higher interests, inferior in proportion as it is bound together by lower.
** [[s:The City of God/Book XIX/Chapter 24|XIX, 24]]

===De Unitate Ecclesiae - On the Unity of the Church (c. 401 – 405)===
:''Ad Catholicos Epistula contra Donatistas'' (Letter to the Catholics against the Donatists), or ''De Unitate Ecclesiae'' (On the Unity of the Church), [http://books.google.com/books?id=toDBzX2-7iUC&amp;pg=PA49&amp;dq=%22Catholicos+Epistula+contra+Donatistas+%22&amp;hl=en&amp;ei=jGlQTqGpKNSlsQLM_-HNBg&amp;sa=X&amp;oi=book_result&amp;ct=result&amp;resnum=2&amp;ved=0CDEQ6AEwAQ#v=onepage&amp;q=%22Catholicos%20Epistula%20contra%20Donatistas%20%22&amp;f=false] &lt;br&gt;''Ad Catholicos epistola contra Donatistas vulgo De Unitate Ecclesiae liber unus''. Latin text in Migne, [[w:Patrologia Latina|Patrologia Latina (PL)]], 43:391–446. [http://books.google.com/books?id=SXPYAAAAMAAJ&amp;pg=RA1-PT184] Variant: ''[http://www.augustinus.it/latino/lettera_cattolici/lettera_cattolici.htm Epistula ad Catholicos de secta Donatistarum]''.

*Quaerite, Donatistae, si nescitis, quaerite ab Ierusalem per terrena itinera in circuitu usque in Illyricum quot mansiones sint: si tot Ecclesias computemus, dicite quemadmodum per Africanas contentiones perire potuerunt. Ad Corinthios, ad Ephesios, ad Philippenses, ad Thessalonicenses, ad Colossenses vos solas Apostoli epistulas in lectione, nos autem et epistulas in lectione ac fide et ipsas Ecclesias in communione retinemus. [http://books.google.com/books?id=iPQQAAAAYAAJ&amp;pg=PA412 PL 43, 414]
**'''Ask, O ye Donatists, if ye know it not, ask how many stopping-places there were in the Apostle’s journeys round about unto Illyricum.''' Add up the number of the churches, and tell me how they have perished through our African strife. Corinth, Ephesus, Philippi, Thessalonica, Collosae - you have only the letters of the Apostles to read which he addressed to them. We read the letters, we preserve the faith. We are in communion with the churches. (ch.12:31)
***[[w:Arthur Headlam|A.C. Headlam]] regards these words as [http://books.google.com/books?id=gxjlXxw0HMMC&amp;q=%22This+is+the+argument+of+the+whole+treatise.%22&amp;dq=%22This+is+the+argument+of+the+whole+treatise.%22&amp;hl=en&amp;ei=UWdQTovZBqrJsQKNs73JDQ&amp;sa=X&amp;oi=book_result&amp;ct=result&amp;resnum=1&amp;ved=0CCoQ6AEwAA  “the argument of the whole treatise”] See, [http://www.archive.org/details/doctrineofchurch00headuoft ''The Doctrine of the Church and Christian Reunion: Being the Bampton Lectures for the Year 1920]'', Rev. Arthur Cayley Headlam, D.D., London, John Murray, p. 152.
*** [http://books.google.com/books?id=RACb6TICT4QC&amp;pg=PA131&amp;dq=%22ask+o+ye+donatists%22&amp;hl=en&amp;ei=NpJRTt2qD8rlsQKsnvzQBQ&amp;sa=X&amp;oi=book_result&amp;ct=result&amp;resnum=1&amp;ved=0CCoQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&amp;q=%22ask%20o%20ye%20donatists%22&amp;f=false ''The Gospel and Catholic Church'', (1936, reissue ed. 2009)], [[w:Michael Ramsey| Michael Ramsey]], Hendrickson Publishers; {{ISBN|1598563890}} {{ISBN|9781598563894}}, p. 131

*'''The Head and the body are Christ wholly and entirely'''. The Head is the only begotten Son of God, the body is His Church; the bridegroom and the bride, two in one flesh. All who dissent from the Scriptures concerning Christ, although they may be found in all places in which the Church is found, are not in the Church; and again all those who agree with the Scriptures concerning the Head, and do not communicate in the unity of the Church, are not in the Church
**''Encyclical letter of [[w:Pope Leo XIII|Pope Leo XIII]] on the Unity of the Church'', June 29, 1896, ch. 16, ''Publications of the Catholic Truth Society'', 1896, London, Volume 30, p. 41. [http://books.google.com/books?id=pYcQAAAAIAAJ&amp;pg=PA41&amp;dq=%22Head+and+the+body+are+Christ+wholly+and+entirely%22&amp;hl=en&amp;ei=6JVRToOwCYbKsQKKxvTHBg&amp;sa=X&amp;oi=book_result&amp;ct=result&amp;resnum=2&amp;ved=0CC8Q6AEwAQ#v=onepage&amp;q=%22Head%20and%20the%20body%20are%20Christ%20wholly%20and%20entirely%22&amp;f=false]
*** Alternate translation: '''The whole Christ is Head and Body.''' The Head, the only begotten Son of God; and His Body, the Church: the Bridegroom and the Bride, two in one flesh. Whosoever dissent from the Holy Scriptures in respect of the Head, even though they be found in all the places in which the Church is marked out to be, are not in the Church. And again, whosoever agree with the Holy Scriptures concerning the Head, and do not communicate with the unity of the Body, are not in the Church, because they dissent from Christ's own witness concerning Christ's Body, which is the Church.
*** [[w:Edward Bouverie Pusey|Dr. Pusey]], ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=Cn-pxLKAcRIC&amp;pg=PA82&amp;dq=%22whole+Christ+is+Head+and+Body.+The+Head,+the+only-begotten+Son+of+God%22&amp;hl=en&amp;ei=gZZRTpHKDqmusQKQ8cnnBg&amp;sa=X&amp;oi=book_result&amp;ct=result&amp;resnum=1&amp;ved=0CCoQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&amp;q=%22whole%20Christ%20is%20Head%20and%20Body.%20The%20Head%2C%20the%20only-begotten%20Son%20of%20God%22&amp;f=false and the Ancient Church'' (1866), by Thomas W. Allies, Longmans, Green, London, p. 82]

*'''We may not assent to the teaching even of the Catholic bishops, if at any time they are deceived into opinions contrary to the canonical Scriptures of God'''; but if they should so fall into error, '''and yet maintain the bond of unity and charity''', let the apostle's saying avail in their case: 'And if in anything ye are otherwise minded, God shall reveal even this unto you.' Now these divine words have so manifest an application to the whole Church, that none but heretics in their stubborn [[perverseness]] and blind fury can bark against them. (Cf. Augustine's ''Reply to Faustus the Manichaean'' (Contra Faustum), book 11, 5 [http://www.google.com/search?tbm=bks&amp;tbo=1&amp;q=%22For+we+are+of+those+of+whom+the+apostle+says%3A+%22And+if+ye+be+otherwise+minded%22&amp;btnG=#q=%22For+we+are+of+those+of+whom+the+apostle+says:+%22And+if+ye+be+otherwise+minded%22&amp;um=1&amp;hl=en&amp;ie=UTF-8&amp;tbo=u&amp;tbm=bks&amp;source=og&amp;sa=N&amp;tab=wp&amp;bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.&amp;fp=285f39394c4fa235&amp;biw=1247&amp;bih=731] )
**''The Unity of the Church'' (1842), [[w:Henry Edward Manning|Henry Edward Manning]], John Murray (pub.), London, p. 52. [http://books.google.com/books?id=qNc-AAAAIAAJ&amp;pg=PA52&amp;dq=%22We+may+not+assent+to+the+teaching+even+of+the+Catholic+bishops%22&amp;hl=en&amp;ei=1mxQToqjBsyfsQL4mpmFCw&amp;sa=X&amp;oi=book_result&amp;ct=result&amp;resnum=1&amp;ved=0CCoQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&amp;q=%22We%20may%20not%20assent%20to%20the%20teaching%20even%20of%20the%20Catholic%20bishops%22&amp;f=false]&lt;small&gt; Comment: “As for contemporary figures, Augustine urged the Donatist faithful not to heed their bishops who were perpetuating the schism. ‘Neither should the Catholic bishops be followed when they are wrong and hold an opinion contrary to the canonical Scriptures of God.’ As [[w:Yves Congar|Congar]] explains, each bishop is united to the faith of his Church which in turn is dependent on Scripture. In saying this, Augustine apparently did not take seriously the possibility of some quasi-universal opposition to Scripture among Catholic bishops, but rather envisaged a possible ''local or regional'' disruption. ''Augustinian Studies'', 1980, vols. 11-12, Augustinian Institute, Villanova, Pa., Villanova University Press, p. 138. [http://books.google.com/books?id=mB4ZAAAAIAAJ&amp;q=%22urged+the+Donatist+faithful+not+to+heed+their+bishops+who+were%22&amp;dq=%22urged+the+Donatist+faithful+not+to+heed+their+bishops+who+were%22&amp;hl=en&amp;ei=ixouToagCuSNsQLn4N1K&amp;sa=X&amp;oi=book_result&amp;ct=result&amp;resnum=1&amp;ved=0CCkQ6AEwAA]&lt;/small&gt;

=== ''Ten Homilies on the First Epistle of John'' (414) ===
::&lt;small&gt;''See also: [[First Epistle of John]]''&lt;/small&gt;
* The light will not shame you, if it shows you your own ugliness, and that ugliness so offends you that you perceive the beauty of the light.
** First Homily, as translated by John Burnaby (1955), p. 262

* What is love's perfection? To love our enemies, and to love them to the end that they may be our brothers.
** First Homily, as translated by John Burnaby (1955), p. 266

* In a quarrel for earth, turn not to earth.
** First Homily, as translated by John Burnaby (1955), p. 267

* Shut out the evil love of the world, that you may be filled with the love of God. You are a vessel that was already full: you must pour away what you have, that you may take in what you have not.
** Second Homily, as translated by John Burnaby (1955), p. 274

*&lt;p&gt;A man might say, &quot;The things that are in the world are what God has made. ... Why should I not love what God has made?&quot; ...&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Suppose, my brethren, a man should make for his betrothed a ring, and she should prefer the ring given her to the betrothed who made it for her, would not her heart be convicted of infidelity? ... God has given you all these things: therefore, love him who made them.&lt;/p&gt;
** Second Homily, as translated by John Burnaby (1955), pp. 275-276

* Let each look to his own heart: let him not keep hatred against his brother for any hard word; on account of earthly contention let him not become earth.
** First Homily, Paragraph 11, as translated by H. Browne, ''Nicene and Post-Nicene Fathers, First Series'', Vol. 7 (1888)

* ''Quantum in te crescit amor, tantum crescit pulchritudo; quia ipsa caritas est animae pulchritudo.''
** [[Beauty]] grows in you to the extent that [[love]] grows, because [[charity]] itself is the [[soul]]'s beauty.
*** Ninth Homily, Paragraph 9, as translated by Boniface Ramsey (2008) Augustinian Heritage Institute
:* Variant translation:
:** Inasmuch as love grows in you, in so much beauty grows; for love is itself the beauty of the soul.
:*** as translated by H. Browne and J. H. Meyers, ''The Nicene and Post Nicene Fathers'' (1995)

===''[[w:On the Trinity|On the Trinity]]'' (417)===
:&lt;small&gt;''De trinitate'' [[s:la:De trinitate (Aurelius Augustinus)|full Latin text at Wikisource]]&lt;/small&gt; 
* The inclination to seek the truth is safer than the presumption which regards unknown things as known.
** (Cambridge: 2002), Book 9, Chapter 1, p. 24

* When I, who conduct this inquiry, love something, then three things are found: I, what I love, and the love itself. … There are, therefore three things: the lover, the beloved and the love.
** (Cambridge: 2002), Book 9, Chapter 2, Section 2, p. 26

* The mind itself, its love [of itself] and its knowledge [of itself] are a kind of trinity.
** (Cambridge: 2002), Book 9, Chapter 4, Section 4, p. 27

Notation — ''de Trinitate'' 200-258 &quot;God sometimes had prophets use symbolic language that was fitted to the [Israelite's] state of belief and that reflects God not as God actually is, but as the people were able to understand. God, therefore, is not mediocre, but the people's understanding is mediocre; God is not limited, but the intellectual capacity of the people's mind is limited.&quot;

===Letter 199 (AD 418)===
:&lt;small&gt;[https://web.archive.org/web/20180310041656/http://www.abbaye-saint-benoit.ch/saints/augustin/lettres/s003/l199.htm Paragraph 24 in French]&lt;/small&gt;
*Even then [at the time of Peter's speech in Acts 2] it was the last days; how much more so now, when there must still be as much time till the end of the world as has passed since the ascension of the Lord! We do not know the end of the world, because it is not for us to know the times or the seasons that the Father has set in his power; but we know that, like the apostles, we live in the last times, in the last days, in the last hour. Those who lived after the apostles and before us were more in what we call the last times, and we ourselves are in them even more than they; those who will come after us will be so much more, till one gets to those who will be, if one may say so, the last of the last, and finally till that day, the very last, of which the Lord means to speak when he said, &quot;And I will raise him up on the last day&quot;. How far are we from that day? That is an impenetrable secret.

===''De Baptismo''===
*''Salus extra ecclesiam non est'' or ''[[w:Extra Ecclesiam nulla salus|Extra Ecclesiam nulla salus]]''
**'''There is no salvation outside the church.'''
**''On Baptism, Against the Donatists'', book IV, ch. 17. Citing [http://books.google.com/books?id=8HkXAAAAIAAJ&amp;pg=PA458&amp;dq=augustine+%22is+not+without+the+Church%22&amp;hl=en&amp;ei=7I3yTbj3N5StgQeXjenNCw&amp;sa=X&amp;oi=book_result&amp;ct=result&amp;resnum=8&amp;ved=0CE4Q6AEwBw#v=onepage&amp;q=%22is%20not%20without%20the%20Church%22&amp;f=false the famous teaching] of St. [[w:Cyprian|Cyprian]]. In letter 185:50 (on the Donatist controversy), Augustine speaks of those who have ''knowingly'' separated from the unity of the Church: &quot;Furthermore, the Catholic Church alone is the body of Christ, of which He is the Head and Saviour of His body. Outside this body the Holy Spirit giveth life to no one, seeing that, as the apostle says himself, 'The love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us;' but he is not a partaker of the divine love '''who is the enemy of unity'''. Therefore they have not the Holy Ghost who are outside the Church; for it is written of them, 'They ''separate themselves'', being sensual, having not the Spirit.'&quot; [http://books.google.com/books?id=USoMAAAAIAAJ&amp;pg=PA519&amp;dq=%22catholic+church+alone+is+the+body+of+christ%22&amp;hl=en&amp;ei=4KbyTcqgG87PgAeO6ujjCw&amp;sa=X&amp;oi=book_result&amp;ct=result&amp;resnum=9&amp;ved=0CFMQ6AEwCA#v=onepage&amp;q=%22catholic%20church%20alone%20is%20the%20body%20of%20christ%22&amp;f=false]. Augustine does, however, allow certain exceptions, as for example, in cases of [[w:invincible ignorance fallacy|invincible ignorance]]. Eugène Portalié, S.J. writes: &quot;God’s immediate influence on souls, however, is not hindered by this ordinarily indispensable role of the Church. That is an accusation of Protestants which Augustine had foreseen. (I) In the Church, God acts ceaselessly in souls through His graces as the interior teacher and inspirer of all good. (2) Outside of the Church, God’s hands are not tied: He can work marvels of grace without human intervention in souls who ''do not yet know the Church'', as the case of the centurion Cornelius witnesses, who had received the Holy Spirit before being baptized. God acts thus to show more clearly that it is always He and not the minister who sanctifies: “Why does it happen now this way, now that way, unless to prevent us from attributing anything to our human pride but to divine grace and power?” The conclusion is that God sometimes sanctifies without the Church and the sacraments, ''but never one who scorns the sacraments'': “Therefore we conclude that an invisible sanctification has been offered to some and used to advantage without visible sacraments.... Not on that account, however, is the visible sacrament to be scorned, for one who scorns it can in no way be sanctified invisibly.” [http://books.google.com/books?id=ULAiVpCMGrAC&amp;pg=RA1-PT349&amp;lpg=RA1-PT349&amp;dq=%22invisible+sanctification+has+been+offered+to+some%22&amp;source=bl&amp;ots=eiCbBwZI1I&amp;sig=mp4zavhfLwzEA_kEB97m_g1maDM&amp;hl=en&amp;ei=Y5nyTYWbBo7VgAegpcjTCw&amp;sa=X&amp;oi=book_result&amp;ct=result&amp;resnum=7&amp;ved=0CFsQ6AEwBg#v=onepage&amp;q=%22invisible%20sanctification%20has%20been%20offered%20to%20some%22&amp;f=false ''God, History, and Dialectic: The Theological Foundations of the Two Europes'' (1997) by Joseph P. Farrell], Seven Councils Press,&lt;small&gt; {{ISBN|0966086007}} {{ISBN|9780966086003 }}&lt;/small&gt; p. 1013, also in [http://books.google.com/books?id=3sYIAQAAIAAJ&amp;q=A+Guide+to+the+Thought+of+St.+Augustine&amp;dq=A+Guide+to+the+Thought+of+St.+Augustine&amp;hl=en&amp;ei=Kp3yTfD8Lce4twfNs-j4Bg&amp;sa=X&amp;oi=book_result&amp;ct=result&amp;resnum=2&amp;ved=0CDEQ6AEwAQ ''A Guide to the Thought of St. Augustine'' (1960) by H. Regnery, pp. 232-233]

===''De coniugiis adulterinis''===
*Who dismisses his adulterous wife and marries another woman, whereas his first wife still lives, remains perpetually in the state of adultery. Such a man does not any efficacious penance while he refuses to abandon the new wife. If he is a catechumen, he cannot be admitted to baptism, because his will remains rooted in the evil. If he is a (baptized) penitent, he cannot receive the (ecclesiastical) reconciliation as long as he does not break with his bad attitude.
**''De adulterinis coniugiis'', 2, 16, in Bishop [[Athanasius Schneider]], [https://rorate-caeli.blogspot.com/2015/11/rorate-exclusive-bishop-athanasius.html ''Reaction to Synod Door to communion for divorced &amp; remarried officially kicked open''], November 2nd, 2015

===''De Genesi ad Litteram''===
* ''Quapropter bono christiano, sive mathematici, sive quilibet impie divinantium, maxime dicentes vera, cavendi sunt, ne consortio daemoniorum animam deceptam, pacto quodam societatis irretiant.''
** II, xvii, 37
** Translation published in ''Mathematics in Western Culture'' (1953): The good Christian should beware the mathematician and all those who make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that the mathematicians have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and to confine man in the bonds of hell.
** Modern translation by J.H. Taylor in ''Ancient Christian Writers'' (1982): Hence, a devout Christian must avoid astrologers and all impious soothsayers, especially when they tell the truth, for fear of leading his soul into error by consorting with demons and entangling himself with the bonds of such association.
** Note: The well known, but incorrect English translation was published on page 3 of Morris Kline's ''Mathematics in Western Culture'' (1953). This book is a favorite with math students and is still in print. The Latin word ''mathematici'' derives from the Greek meaning of &quot;something learned&quot; and refers mainly to astrologers. This was the chief branch of mathematics at the time but has been replaced in modern times by a plethora of other branches. According to the ''Shorter Oxford English Dictionary'', 3rd edition, the word &quot;mathematician&quot; still meant astrologer as late as 1710.

*In matters that are so obscure and far beyond our [[vision]], we find in Holy Scripture passages which can be interpreted in very different ways without prejudice to the [[faith]] we have received. In such cases, we should not rush in headlong and so firmly take our stand on one side that, if further progress in the search for truth justly undermines this position, we too fall with it.&quot;
** I, xviii, 37. Modern translation by J.H. Taylor

*To such a one my answer is that I have arrived at a nourishing kernel in that I have learnt that a man is not in any difficulty in making a reply according to his faith which he ought to make to those who try to defame our Holy Scripture. When they are able, from reliable evidence, to prove some fact of physical science, we shall show that it is not contrary to our Scripture. But when they produce from any of their books a theory contrary to Scripture, and therefore contrary to the Catholic faith, either we shall have some ability to demonstrate that it is absolutely false, or at least we ourselves will hold it so without any shadow of a doubt. And we will so cling to our Mediator, “in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and [[knowledge]],” that we will not be led astray by the glib talk of false philosophy or frightened by the superstition of false religion. When we read the inspired books in the light of this wide variety of true doctrines which are drawn from a few words and founded on the firm basis of Catholic belief, let us choose that one which appears as certainly the meaning intended by the author. But if this is not clear, then at least we should choose an interpretation in keeping with the context of Scripture and in harmony with our faith. But if the meaning cannot be studied and judged by the context of Scripture, at least we should choose only that which our faith demands. For it is one thing to fail to recognize the primary meaning of the writer, and another to depart from the norms of religious belief. If both these difficulties are avoided, the reader gets full profit from his reading.&quot;
** I, xxi, 41. Modern translation by J.H. Taylor

* ''Plerumque enim accidit ut aliquid de terra, de coelo, de caeteris mundi huius elementis, de motu et conversione vel etiam magnitudine et intervallis siderum, de certis defectibus solis ac lunae, de circuitibus annorum et temporum, de naturis animalium, fruticum, lapidum, atque huiusmodi caeteris, etiam non christianus ita noverit, ut certissima ratione vel experientia teneat. Turpe est autem nimis et perniciosum ac maxime cavendum, ut christianum de his rebus quasi secundum christianas Litteras loquentem, ita delirare audiat, ut, quemadmodum dicitur, toto coelo errare conspiciens, risum tenere vix possit. Et non tam molestum est, quod errans homo deridetur, sed quod auctores nostri ab eis qui foris sunt, talia sensisse creduntur, et cum magno eorum exitio de quorum salute satagimus, tamquam indocti reprehenduntur atque respuuntur. Cum enim quemquam de numero Christianorum in ea re quam optime norunt, errare comprehenderint, et vanam sententiam suam de nostris Libris asserere; quo pacto illis Libris credituri sunt, de resurrectione mortuorum, et de spe vitae aeternae, regnoque coelorum, quando de his rebus quas iam experiri, vel indubitatis numeris percipere potuerunt, fallaciter putaverint esse conscriptos? Quid enim molestiae tristitiaeque ingerant prudentibus fratribus temerarii praesumptores, satis dici non potest, cum si quando de prava et falsa opinatione sua reprehendi, et convinci coeperint ab eis qui nostrorum Librorum auctoritate non tenentur, ad defendendum id quod levissima temeritate et apertissima falsitate dixerunt, eosdem Libros sanctos, unde id probent, proferre conantur, vel etiam memoriter, quae ad testimonium valere arbitrantur, multa inde verba pronuntiant, non intellegentes neque quae loquuntur, neque de quibus affirmant.''
** I, xix, 39.
** Translation by J. H. Taylor in Ancient Christian Writers, Newman Press, 1982, volume 41: &quot;Usually, even a non-Christian knows something about the earth, the heavens, and the other elements of this world, about the motion and orbit of the stars and even their size and relative positions, about the predictable eclipses of the sun and moon, the cycles of the years and the seasons, about the kinds of animals, shrubs, stones, and so forth, and this [[knowledge]] he holds to as being certain from reason and experience. Now, it is a disgraceful and dangerous thing for an infidel to hear a Christian, presumably giving the meaning of Holy Scripture, talking nonsense on these topics; and we should take all means to prevent such an embarrassing situation, in which people show up vast ignorance in a Christian and laugh it to scorn. The shame is not so much that an ignorant individual is derided, but that people outside the household of faith think our sacred writers held such opinions, and, to the great loss of those for whose salvation we toil, the writers of our Scripture are criticized and rejected as unlearned men. If they find a Christian mistaken in a field which they themselves know well and hear him maintaining his foolish opinions about our books, how are they going to believe those books in matters concerning the resurrection of the dead, the hope of eternal life, and the kingdom of heaven, when they think their pages are full of falsehoods and on facts which they themselves have learnt from experience and the light of reason? Reckless and incompetent expounders of Holy Scripture bring untold trouble and sorrow on their wiser brethren when they are caught in one of their mischievous false opinions and are taken to task by those who are not bound by the authority of our sacred books. For then, to defend their utterly foolish and obviously untrue statements, they will try to call upon Holy Scripture for proof and even recite from memory many passages which they think support their position, although they understand neither what they say nor the things about which they make assertion.&quot;
**Variant translation: We must be on our guard against giving interpretations [of scripture] which are hazardous or opposed to science, and so exposing the word of God to the ridicule of unbelievers.

===''In epistolam Ioannis ad Parthos''===
* Once for all, then, a short precept is given thee: '''[[Love]], and do what thou wilt:''' whether thou hold thy [[peace]], through love hold thy peace; whether thou cry out, through love cry out; whether thou correct, through love correct; whether thou spare, through love do thou spare: let the root of love be within, of this root can nothing spring but what is [[good]].
** [http://www.newadvent.org/fathers/170207.htm Tractatus VII, 8]
** Latin: ''&quot;[[wikt:diligo#Latin|dilige]] et quod vis fac.&quot;''; falsely often: ''&quot;[[wikt:amo#Latin|ama]] et fac quod vis.&quot;''
** Translation by Professor Joseph Fletcher: '''Love and then what you will, do.'''

===''Expositions on the Psalms''===
*[[God]] is one, and the Church is a [[unity]]; only unity can respond to him who is one. But there are some people why say, “Yes, that certainly was the case. The Church spread among all nations did respond to him, bearing more children than did the wedded wife. ''It responded to him in the way of his strength'', for it believed that Christ had risen. All nations believed in him. But that Church which was drawn from all nations no longer exists: it has perished.”&lt;br&gt;'''So say people who are not within the Church. What an impudent assertion!''' The Church does not exist because you are not in it? Be careful lest such an attitude result in your not existing yourself, for the Church will be here even if you are not. '''But the Spirit of God anticipated this abominable, detestable assertion, this claim full of presumption and falsehood, a claim with nothing to support it, illumined by no spark of wisdom, seasoned by no salt'''. God’s Spirit anticipated this empty, unfounded, foolhardy and pernicious proposition and seemingly refuted it in advance by proclaiming that the Church is united ''by the gathering of the people together into one, and kingdoms to serve the Lord''.
**Exposition 2 of Psalm 108. ''The unity and perpetuity of the Church against the [[w:Donatism|Donatists]]''.
**''Expositions of the Psalms 99-120 (The Works of Saint Augustine, Vol 19 Part 3)'', Boniface Ramsey, ed., Maria Boulding, O.S.B, tr., New City Press, {{ISBN|1565481976}}, {{ISBN|9781565481961}}, pp. 68-69 [http://books.google.com/books?id=3iWSkxuvyQ4C&amp;pg=PA68&amp;dq=%22So+say+people+who+are+not+within+the+Church.+What+an+impudent+assertion%22&amp;hl=en&amp;ei=-MlfTI7XKIHGlQeZ0JCZCA&amp;sa=X&amp;oi=book_result&amp;ct=result&amp;resnum=1&amp;ved=0CCUQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&amp;q=%22So%20say%20people%20who%20are%20not%20within%20the%20Church.%20What%20an%20impudent%20assertion%22&amp;f=false]

===''Sermons''===
[[File:AugustineBaptism.jpg|thumb|right|You wish to be [[great]], begin from the least. You are thinking to construct some mighty fabric in height; first think of the foundation of [[humility]].]]

* We make a ladder of our vices, if we trample those same vices underfoot.
** 3

*So the Church imitates the Lord’s mother — not in the bodily sense, which it could not do — but in mind it is both mother and virgin. In no way, then, did Christ deprive his mother of her virginity by being
*But it isn’t just a matter of faith, but of faith and works. Each is necessary. For the demons also believe — you heard the apostle — and tremble (Jas 2:19); but their believing doesn’t do them any good. [[Faith]] alone is not enough, unless [[works]] too are joined to it: ''Faith working through [[love]]'' (Gal 5:6), says the apostle.
**16A:11:2

* '''''Non enim amat Deus damnare sed salvare''', et ideo patiens est in malos, ut de malis faciat bonos.''
** '''For God loves to save and not to condemn'''; therefore is he patient with evil, that out of evil good may be brought.
*** 18

*'''You wish to be [[great]], begin from the least. You are thinking to construct some mighty fabric in height; first think of the foundation of [[humility]].''' And how great soever a mass of building one may wish and design to place above it, the greater the building is to be, the deeper does he dig his foundation.
** [http://www.newadvent.org/fathers/160319.htm Sermon 19:2 on the New Testament]

* [[Anger]] is a weed; [[hate]] is the [[tree]].
** 58

* ''Date ergo pauperibus: rogo, moneo, praecipio, iubeo.''
** So give to the poor; I’m begging you, I’m warning you, I’m commanding you, I’m ordering you.
*** 61:13
** Alternate versions:
*** Give then to the poor; I beg, I advise, I charge, I command you.
**** [http://www.newadvent.org/fathers/160311.htm Sermon 11:13 on the New Testament][http://books.google.com/books?as_q=&amp;hl=en&amp;num=10&amp;as_epq=I+beg,+I+advise,+I+charge,+I+command+you.&amp;as_oq=&amp;as_eq=&amp;lr=&amp;cr=&amp;as_ft=i&amp;as_filetype=&amp;as_qdr=all&amp;as_nlo=&amp;as_nhi=&amp;as_occt=any&amp;as_dt=i&amp;as_sitesearch=&amp;as_rights=&amp;safe=images&amp;um=1&amp;ie=UTF-8&amp;sa=N&amp;tab=wp]
*** Therefore, give to the poor. I beg you, I admonish you, I charge you, I command you to give.
****Sermon 61:13, ''On Almsgiving'', [http://www.archive.org/details/fathersofthechur027834mbp ''The Fathers Of The Church: A New Translation. Saint Augustine Commentary On The Lord’s Sermon On The Mount With Seventeen Related Sermons''], (1951), Ludwig Schopp, Roy Joseph Deferrari,  vol. 11/3, p. 286

* But let us realize what sort of rich people. Here comes heaven knows who across our path, wrapped in rags, and he has been jumping for joy and laughing on hearing it said that the rich man can’t enter the kingdom of heaven; and he’s been saying, “I, though, will enter; that’s what theses rags will earn me; those who treat s badly and insult us, those who bear down hard upon us won’t enter; no, that sort certainly won’t enter. '''But just a minute, Mr. Poor Man; consider whether you can, in fact, enter. What if you’re poor, and also happen to be greedy? What if you’re sunk in destitution, and at the same time on fire with avarice?''' So if that’s what you’re like, whoever you are that are poor, it’s not because you haven’t wanted to be rich, but because you haven’t been able to. So God doesn’t inspect your means, but he observes your will. '''So if that’s what you’re like, leading a bad life, of bad morals, a blasphemer, an adulterer, a drunkard, proud, cross yourself off the list of God’s poor; you won’t be among those of whom it is said, ''Blessed are the poor in spirit, since theirs is the kingdom of heaven'' (Mt 5:3)'''.
**Sermon 346A:6 (c. 399 A.D.) &quot;On the Word of God as Leader of the Christians on Their Pilgrimage,&quot; ''Works of Saint Augustine: A Translation for the 21st Century'', III/10, Sermons, 341-400, New City Press, Edmund Hill O.P., trans., (1995), {{ISBN|1565480554 }} {{ISBN|9781565480285 }}, p. 74.[http://books.google.com/books?id=iE30Zob4v98C&amp;pg=PA74&amp;dq=%22But+just+a+minute,+Mr.+Poor+Man;+consider+whether+you+can%22&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ei=-cHUUbqIIJO68wTn-YC4DA&amp;ved=0CC0Q6AEwAA#v=onepage&amp;q=%22But%20just%20a%20minute%2C%20Mr.%20Poor%20Man%3B%20consider%20whether%20you%20can%22&amp;f=false]

* The fellow who eggs you on to avenge yourself will rob you of what you were going to say – ''as we forgive our debtors''. When you have forfeited that, all your sins will be held against you; absolutely nothing is forgiven.
** 57:11:3

* ''Columba amat et quando caedit. Lupus odit et quando blanditur.''
** The dove loves even when it attacks; the wolf hates even when it flatters.
*** 64

* Bad times, hard times, this is what people keep saying; but let us live well, and times shall be good. We are the times: Such as we are, such are the times.
** 80:8

* So there you are; listen; as I said, '''[[God]] &quot;worships&quot; us in the sense of tending our [[worth]].''' That we worship God, of course, doesn't need proving to you. It's on everybody's lips, after all, that human beings worship God. '''That God, though, worships human beings, it's enough to frighten hearers out of their wits, because people are not in the habit of saying that God worships human beings — in that special sense  —but that human beings worship God.''' &lt;br&gt;So I've got to prove to you that God too does &quot;worship&quot; human beings, or you will consider, perhaps, that I have used the word very carelessly, and begin arguing against me in your thoughts, and finding fault with me because you don't in fact grasp what I have been saying. So it's agreed that this is what has to be demonstrated to you: that God also &quot;worships&quot; us; but in the sense I have already mentioned, that he tends our worth as his field, to make improvements in us. The Lord says in the gospel: I am the vine, you are the branches; my Father is the farm worker (Jn 15:5,1). What does a farm worker do? I'm asking you, those of you who are farm workers and farmers. What does a farm worker do? I presume he works his farm, that is, tends its worth, that is, &quot;worships&quot; it, in a sense. So if God the Father is a farmer or farm worker, it means he has a farm, and he works or &quot;worships&quot; his farm, and expects a crop from it.
** Sermon 87:2 ([http://www.newadvent.org/fathers/160337.htm Sermon 37:2]) on Matthew 20. Preached in the autumn after 424. [http://www.thelatinlibrary.com/augustine/serm87.shtml Latin]
**''The Works of Saint Augustine: A Translation for the 21st Century (Sermons 51-94)'', John E. Rotelle, Edmund Hill, eds. &amp; trans., New City Press, 1990 {{ISBN|0911782850}}, {{ISBN|9780911782851}} pp. 407- 408. [http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&amp;num=10&amp;lr=&amp;ft=i&amp;cr=&amp;safe=images&amp;um=1&amp;ie=UTF-8&amp;tbo=u&amp;tbs=bks:1&amp;source=og&amp;q=%22So%20there%20you%20are%3B%20listen%3B%20as%20I%20said%2C%20God%20worships%20us%20in%20the%20sense%20of%20tending%20our%20worth%22&amp;sa=N&amp;tab=wp]

* ''Factus est Deus homo ut homo fieret Deus.''
** God became man so that man might become God.
** 128

*''Roma locuta est; causa finita est.''
**'''Rome has spoken; the case is concluded.'''
**131

* ''He who created you without you will not justify you without you.''
** 169

* '''He who created us without our help will not save us without our consent.'''
** St. Augustine, Sermo 169, 11, 13: PL 38, 923 as quoted in Fr. Mitch Pacwa, S. J.. Saved: A Bible Study Guide for Catholics (p. 15). Our Sunday Visitor. Kindle Edition. 

* ''Caritas radix est omnium operum bonorum.''
** [[Charity]] is the root of [[all]] [[good]] [[works]].
*** 179A:5:1
** Compare: [[w:Radix_malorum_est_cupiditas|''Radix malorum est cupiditas'']]; &quot;greed is the root of all evil&quot;

* '''I too have sworn heedlessly and all the time, I have had this most repulsive and death-dealing habit.''' I’m telling your graces; from the moment I began to serve [[God]], and saw what evil there is in forswearing oneself, I grew very afraid indeed, and out of fear I applied the brakes to this old, old, habit.
** 180:10:1

* When the apostle [[w:James the Apostle|James]] was talking about [[faith]] and works against those who thought their faith was enough, and didn’t want to have good works, he said, ''You believe God is one; you do well; the demons also believe, and tremble''.” (Jas 2:19)
** 183:13:2

* So the Church too, like Mary, enjoys perpetual virginity and uncorrupted fecundity.
** 195:2

*Don’t hold yourselves cheap, seeing that the creator of all things and of you estimates your value so high, so dear, that he pours out for you every day the most precious blood of his only-begotten Son.
** 216:3:1

* Nobody should ever doubt that ''in the washing of rebirth'' (Titus 3:5) absolutely all sins, from the least to the greatest, are altogether forgiven.
** 229E:2

* You can live, provided you live; that is, you can live for ever, provided you live a good life.
** 229H:3:2

* '' Ideo, carissimi, veneramini martyres, laudate, amate, praedicate, honorate: Deum martyrum colite.''
** '''Venerate the martyrs, praise, love, proclaim, honor them. But worship the [[God]] of the martyrs'''.
*** 273:9; translation from: ''The works of Saint Augustine'', John E. Rotelle, New City Press, {{ISBN|1565480600}} {{ISBN|9781565480605 }}p. 21. [http://books.google.com/books?id=13HYAAAAMAAJ&amp;q=%22venerate+the+martyrs,+praise,+love,+proclaim,+honor+them%22&amp;dq=%22venerate+the+martyrs,+praise,+love,+proclaim,+honor+them%22&amp;hl=en&amp;ei=8MJkTejQMISdlgeq0aGrBg&amp;sa=X&amp;oi=book_result&amp;ct=result&amp;resnum=2&amp;ved=0CCwQ6AEwAQ]

* ''Non ergo accedas, si potes, nisi liberorum procreandorum causa.''
** So if you can manage it, you shouldn’t touch your partner, except for the sake of having children.
*** 278:9; translation from: ''The works of Saint Augustine'', John E. Rotelle, New City Press, 1994, {{ISBN|1565480600}} {{ISBN|978-1565480605 }}p. 55. [http://books.google.com/books?id=5jswAAAAYAAJ&amp;q=%22if+you+can+manage+it,+you+shouldn%E2%80%99t+touch+your+partner,+except+for+the+sake+of+having+children%22&amp;dq=%22if+you+can+manage+it,+you+shouldn%E2%80%99t+touch+your+partner,+except+for+the+sake+of+having+children%22&amp;hl=en&amp;ei=dMJkTaOcCcGC8gah4IjmBg&amp;sa=X&amp;oi=book_result&amp;ct=result&amp;resnum=1&amp;ved=0CC0Q6AEwAA]

* ''Cantare amantis est.''
** Singing is of a lover.
** Variant translation: To sing is characteristic of the lover.
*** 336

* ''Temporibus enim nostris venit imperator in urbem Romam: ibi est templum imperatoris, ibi est sepulcrum piscatoris. Itaque ille ad deprecandam a Domino salutem imperator pius atque christianus non perrexit ad templum imperatoris superbum, sed ad sepulcrum piscatoris, ubi humilis ipsum piscatorem imitaretur, ut tunc respectus aliquid impetraret a Domino, quod superbiens imperator mereri non posset.''
** '''In our own times, you see, an emperor came to the city of Rome, where there’s the temple of an emperor, where there’s a  [[w:Saint Peter's tomb|fisherman’s tomb]]'''. And so that pious and Christian emperor, wishing to beg for health, for salvation from the Lord, did not proceed to the temple of a proud emperor, but to the tomb of a fisherman, where he could imitate that fisherman in humility, so that he, being thus approached, might then obtain something from the Lord, which a haughty emperor would be quite unable to earn.
*** 341:4; English from: ''Newly Discovered Sermons'', 1997, Edmund Hill, tr., John E. Rotelle, ed., New City Press, New York, {{ISBN|1565481038}} {{ISBN|9781565481039}}p. p. 286.

* ''Mors est poena peccati.''
** Death is the penalty of sin.
*** 348/A:2

* ''Quid de se praesumit mortuus? Mori potuit de suo, reviviscere de suo non potest. Peccare per nos ipsos et potuimus et possumus nec tamen per nos resurgere aliquando poterimus. Spes nostra non sit, nisi in Deo 14. Ad illum gemamus, in illo praesumamus; quod ad nos pertinet, voluntate conemur, ut oratione mereamur.''
** Why, being dead, do you rely on yourself? You were able to die of your own accord; you cannot come back to life of your own accord. We were able to sin by ourselves, and we are still able to, nor shall we ever not be able to. Let our hope be in nothing but in God. Let us send up our sighs to him; as for ourselves, let us strive with our wills to earn merit by our prayers.
*** 348A:4 ''Against [[w:Pelagius|Pelagius]]''; English translation from: ''Newly Discovered Sermons'', 1997, Edmund Hill, John E. Rotelle, New City Press, New York, {{ISBN|1565481038}}, 9781565481039 pp. 311-312. [http://books.google.com/books?id=0XjYAAAAMAAJ&amp;q=%22Let+us+send+up+our+sighs+to+him,+let+us+rely+on+him%22&amp;dq=%22Let+us+send+up+our+sighs+to+him,+let+us+rely+on+him%22&amp;hl=en&amp;ei=Q75kTajHBoO8lQfW9cTaBg&amp;sa=X&amp;oi=book_result&amp;ct=result&amp;resnum=1&amp;ved=0CCcQ6AEwAA] Editor’s comment: “This sounds like a slightly Pelagian remark! But it is presumably intended to reverse what one may call the Pelagian order of things; and see the last few sections of the sermon, 9-15, on the effect of the heresy on prayer.” [http://books.google.com/books?id=0XjYAAAAMAAJ&amp;q=%22This+sounds+like+a+slightly+Pelagian+remark%22&amp;dq=%22This+sounds+like+a+slightly+Pelagian+remark%22&amp;hl=en&amp;ei=9cBkTYenLsKqlAfs56mVBg&amp;sa=X&amp;oi=book_result&amp;ct=result&amp;resnum=1&amp;ved=0CCsQ6AEwAA]

* ''Dicturi ergo sunt: Dicis mihi quod resurrexerit Christus, et inde speras resurrectionem mortuorum; sed Christo licuit resurgere a mortuis. Et incipit iam laudare Christum, non ut illi det honorem, sed ut tibi faciat desperationem. Serpentis astuta pernicies, ut laude Christi te avertat a Christo, dolose praedicat quem vituperare non audet. Exaggerat maiestatem illius, ut singularem faciat, ne tu speres tale aliquid, quale in illo resurgente monstratum est. Et quasi religiosior apparet erga Christum, cum dicit: Ecce qui se audet comparare Christo, ut quia resurrexit Christus, et se resurrecturum putet. Noli perturbari perversa laude Imperatoris tui; hostiles insidiae te perturbant, sed Christi humilitas et humanitas te consolatur. Ille praedicat quantum erectus sit Christus a te: Christus autem dicit quantum descendit ad te.''
** So they [the pagans] are going to say, “You tell me that [[Christ]] has risen again, and from that you hope for the resurrection of the dead; but Christ was in a position to rise from the dead.” And now he begins to praise Christ, not in order to do him honor, but to make you despair. It is the deadly cunning of the serpent, to turn you away from Christ by praising Christ, to extol deceitfully the one he doesn’t dare to disparage. &lt;br&gt;'''He exaggerates the sovereign majesty of Christ in order to make him out quite unique''', to stop you hoping for anything like what was demonstrated in his rising again. And he seems, apparently, to be all the more religiously respectful of Christ, when he says, “Look at the person who dares compare himself to Christ, so that just because Christ rose again, he can imagine that he's going to rise again too!” Don't let this perverse praise of your emperor disturb you. The insidious tricks of the enemy may disturb you, but the humility and humanity of Christ should console you. '''This man emphasizes how high above you Christ has been lifted up; Christ, though, says how low he came down to you.'''
*** Sermon 361 ''On the Resurrection of the Dead''; 15 ''How to answer their exaggerated praise of Christ and their disparaging of Christians''.
** English translation from: ''Works of Saint Augustine, A Translation for the 21st Century'', III/10, Sermons 341-400 (on liturgical seasons), Edmund Hill, tr., John E. Rotelle, ed., New City Press, 1995, {{ISBN|1565480287}} {{ISBN|9781565480285}},  pp. 234-235. [https://books.google.ca/books?id=iE30Zob4v98C&amp;printsec=frontcover#v=onepage&amp;q=exaggerated&amp;f=false]

===''De doctrina christiana''===
* '''For if a thing is not diminished by being shared with others, it is not rightly owned if it is only owned and not shared.'''
** 1:1:1 [http://ccat.sas.upenn.edu/jod/augustine/ddc1.html English] [http://www.sant-agostino.it/latino/dottrina_cristiana/index2.htm  Latin]
** Latin: Omnis enim res quae dando non deficit, dum habetur et non datur, nondum habetur quomodo habenda est.

* '''We were ensnared by the [[wisdom]] of the serpent; we are set free by the foolishness of [[God]].'''
** [http://books.google.com/books?id=9dJGZkTAqJsC&amp;q=&amp;quot;we+were+ensnared+by+the+wisdom+of+the+serpent+we+are+set+free+by+the+foolishness+of+god&amp;quot;&amp;pg=PA10#v=onepage 1:14]
** Latin: Serpentis sapientia decepti sumus, Dei stultitia liberamur.

* '''Since you cannot do good to all, you are to pay special regard to those who, by the accidents of time, or place, or circumstance, are brought into closer connection with you.'''
** 1:28:29 [http://www.newadvent.org/fathers/12021.htm English] [http://www.augustinus.it/latino/dottrina_cristiana/index2.htm  Latin]
** Latin: Sed cum omnibus prodesse non possis, his potissimum consulendum est, qui pro locorum et temporum vel quarumlibet rerum opportunitatibus constrictius tibi quasi quadam sorte iunguntur.

===''Contra epistulam Parmeniani''===
*''Securus iudicat orbis terrarum.''
**The verdict of the [[world]] is conclusive.
**III, 24

===''Contra [[w:Julian of Eclanum|Julianum]]''===
*Now, [[w:Justification (theology)|justification]] in this life is given to us according to these three things: first by the [[w:Baptism|laver of regeneration]] by which all sins are forgiven; then, by a struggle with the faults from whose guilt we have been absolved; the third, when our prayer is heard, in which we say: ‘Forgive us our debts,’ because however bravely we fight against our faults, we are men; but the grace of God so aids as we fight in this corruptible body that there is reason for His hearing us as we ask forgiveness.
** ''Against Julian'', Book II, ch. 8, 22. In ''The Fathers of the Church'', Matthew A. Schumacher, tr., 1957, {{ISBN|0813214009}} {{ISBN|9780813214009 }}pp. 83-84. [http://books.google.com/books?id=lxED1d6DAXoC&amp;pg=PA83&amp;lpg=PA83&amp;dq=%22justification+in+this+life+is+given+to+us+according+to+these+three+things%22&amp;source=bl&amp;ots=K9fP-vBQqj&amp;sig=2yV56Mq2aukLy8iM1FvpSfmULqA&amp;hl=en&amp;ei=8ZuCTdXGC4WO0QGCl-HGCA&amp;sa=X&amp;oi=book_result&amp;ct=result&amp;resnum=1&amp;ved=0CBUQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&amp;q=%22justification%20in%20this%20life%20is%20given%20to%20us%20according%20to%20these%20three%20things%22&amp;f=false]

===''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895)===
:&lt;small&gt;Quotes reported in Josiah Hotchkiss Gilbert, ''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895).&lt;/small&gt;

* I have read in [[Plato]] and [[Cicero]] sayings that are very wise and very beautiful; but I never read in either of them, &quot;Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden.&quot;
** p. 62

* '''As the [[soul]] is the [[life]] of the body, so [[God]] is the life of the soul.''' As therefore the body perishes when the soul leaves it, so the soul dies when God departs from it.
** p. 277

* [[Christ]] is not valued at all unless He be valued above all.
** p. 395

* It is not by change of place that we can come nearer to Him who is in every place, but by the cultivation of pure desires and virtuous habits.
** p. 433

*Give, O Lord, what Thou commandest, and then command what Thou wilt.
** p. 512

* Thou hast made us for Thyself, and the heart never resteth till it findeth rest in Thee.
** p. 515

* It is no advantage to be near the [[light]] if the eyes are closed.
** p. 607

* '''The true servants of [[God]] are not solicitous that He should order them to do what they desire to do, but that they may desire to do what He orders them to do.'''
** p. 616

===''On the Mystical Body of Christ''===
[[File:Stemma 777venc.gif|thumb|[[Choose]] to [[love]] whomsoever thou wilt: [[all]] else will follow.]]
:&lt;small&gt;From [http://books.google.com/books?id=CIosAAAAIAAJ&amp;q=mersch+%22Whole+Christ%22&amp;dq=mersch+%22Whole+Christ%22&amp;hl=en&amp;ei=w_toTLz5KMX7lweD_p2fBQ&amp;sa=X&amp;oi=book_result&amp;ct=result&amp;resnum=1&amp;ved=0CCkQ6AEwAA ''The Whole Christ: The Historical Development of the Doctrine of the Mystical Body in Scripture and Tradition'' (1938, 1962), Fr. Emile Mersch, S. J. translated by, John R. Kelly, S.J], '''Part 3. ''The Doctrine of the Mystical Body in Western Tradition'', Ch. 4, ''Augustine’s Sermons to the People'''''&lt;/small&gt;

* '''What is the Church? She is the body of [[Christ]].''' Join to it the Head, and you have '''one man''': The Head and the body make up '''one man'''. Who is the head? He who was born of the Virgin Mary. … And what is His body? It is His Spouse, that is, the Church.... '''The Father willed that these two, the God Christ and the Church, should be one man.''' All men are one man in Christ, and the unity of the Christians constitutes but one man. And this man is all men, all men are this man; for all are one, since Christ is one.
** p. 414

*Let us rejoice and give thanks. Not only are we become Christians, but we are become Christ. My brothers, do you understand the grace of God that is given us? Wonder, rejoice, for we are made Christ! If He is the Head, and we the members, '''then together He and we are the whole man'''.... This would be foolish pride on our part, were it not a gift of his bounty. But this is what He promised by the mouth of the Apostle: “You are the body of Christ, and severally His members” (1 Cor. 12:27).
**p. 415

*In order to understand the Scriptures, '''it is absolutely necessary to know the whole, complete Christ,''' that is, Head and members. '''For sometimes Christ speaks in the name of the Head alone … sometimes in the name of His body''', which is the holy Church spread over the entire earth. And we are in His body … and we hear ourselves speaking in it, for the Apostle tells us: “We are members of His body” (Eph. 5:30). In many places does the Apostle tell us this.
** p. 419

*Christ Himself has said: “They are no longer two, but they are one flesh” (Matt. 19:6). Is it strange then, if they are one flesh, that they should have one tongue and should say the same words, since they are one flesh, Head and body? Let us therefore hear them as one. But let us listen to the Head speaking as Head, and to the body speaking as the body. We do not separate the two realities, but two different dignities; for the Head saves, and the body is saved.
** pp. 419-420

*'''What has the Church done to thee, that thou shouldst wish to decapitate her?''' Thou wouldst take away her Head, and believe in the Head alone, despising the body. Vain is thy service, and false thy devotion to the Head. For to sever it from the body is an injury to both Head and body.
** p.420

*Though absent from our eyes, Christ our Head is bound to us by love. Since the whole Christ is Head and body, let us so listen to the voice of the Head that we may also hear the body speak.&lt;br&gt;'''He no more wished to speak alone than He wished to exist alone, since He says: “Behold, I am with you all days, unto the consummation of the world” (Matt. 28:20)'''. If He is with us, then He speaks in us, He speaks of us, and He speaks through us; and we too speak in Him.
** pp. 420-421

*He who disdained not to assume us unto Himself, did not disdain to take our place and speak our words, in order that we might speak His words.
** p.421

*On the words of Ps. 21:3: &quot;O My God, I shall cry day by day, and Thou wilt not hear&quot;.
*Certainly '''He says this for me, for thee, for this other man,''' since He bears His body, the Church. Unless you imagine, brethren, that when He said: “My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass away from Me” (Matt. 26:39), it was the Lord that feared to die. . . . But Paul longed to die, that he might be with Christ. What? The Apostle desires to die, and Christ Himself should fear death? What can this mean, except that He bore our infirmity in Himself, and uttered these words for those who are in His body and still fear death? It is from these that the voice came; '''it was the voice of His members, not of the Head.''' When He said, “My soul is sorrowful unto death” (Matt. 26:38), He manifested Himself in thee, and thee in Himself. And when He said, “My God, my God, why has Thou forsaken Me?” (Matt. 27:46), '''the words He uttered on the cross were not His own, but ours'''.
** p.421

*Therefore, on hearing His words let no one say either: &quot;These are not Christ's words,&quot; or &quot;These are not my words.&quot; On the contrary, if he knows that he is in the body of Christ, let him say: '''&quot;These are both Christ's words and my words.&quot;''' Say nothing without Him, and He will say nothing without thee. We must not consider ourselves as strangers to Christ, '''or look upon ourselves as other than Himself.'''
** p.422

*'''No greater gift could God bestow on men than to give them as their Head His Word''', by whom He made all things, and to unite them as members to that Head. Thus the Word became both Son of God and Son of man: one God with the Father, one Man with men. Hence, when we offer our petitions to God, let it not detach itself from its Head. Let it be He, the sole Saviour of His body, our Lord Jesus Christ, the Son of God, '''who prays for us, who prays in us, and who is prayed to by us'''. He prays for us as our Priest; He prays in us as our Head; He is prayed to by us as our God. Let us therefore hear both our words in Him and His words in us.... We pray to Him in the form of God; He prays in the form of the slave. There He is the Creator; here He is in the creature. He changes not, but takes the creature and transforms it into Himself, making us one man, head and body, with Himself.&lt;br&gt;We pray therefore to Him, and through Him, and in Him. We pray with Him, and He with us; we recite this prayer of the Psalm in Him, and He recites it in us.
** p.423

*On Ps 60:3: “To Thee have I cried from the ends of the earth.”
*Who is this that cries from the ends of the earth? Who is this one man who reaches to the extremities of the universe? He is one, but that one is unity. He is one, not one in a single place, but the cry of this one man comes from the remotest ends of the earth. But how can this one man cry out from the ends of the earth, unless he be one in all?
** p.423

*Christ’s whole body groans in pain. '''Until the end of the world, when pain will pass away, this man groans and cries to God'''. And each one of us has part in the cry of that whole body. Thou didst cry out in thy day, and thy days have passed away; another took thy place and cried out in his day. Thou here, he there, and another there. The body of Christ ceases not to cry out all the day, one member replacing the other whose voice is hushed. Thus there is but one man who reaches unto the end of time, and those that cry are always His members.
** p.423

*The Apostle says: “I make up in my flesh what is lacking to the sufferings of Christ” (Col. 1:24). “I make up,” he tells us, “not what is lacking to my sufferings, but what is lacking to the sufferings of Christ; not in Christ’s flesh, but in mine. not in Christ's flesh, but in mine. '''Christ is still suffering,''' not in His own flesh which He took with Him into heaven, '''but in my flesh, which is still suffering on earth.”'''
** p.423

*What does the Scripture mean when it tells us of the body of one man so extended in space that all can kill him? We must understand these words of ourselves, of our Church, or the body of Christ. '''For Jesus Christ is one man, having a Head and a body'''. The Saviour of the body and the members of the body are '''two in one flesh, and in one voice, and in one passion,''' and, when iniquity shall have passed away, '''in one repose'''. &lt;br&gt;'''And so the passion of Christ is not in Christ alone; and yet the passion of Christ is in Christ alone.''' For if in Christ you consider '''both the Head and the body''', the Christ’s passion is in Christ alone; '''but if by Christ you mean only the Head, then Christ’s passion is not in Christ alone.''' Hence if you are in the members of Christ, all you who hear me, and even you who hear me not (though you do hear, if you are united with the members of Christ), whatever you suffer at the hands of those who are no among the members of Christ, '''was lacking to the sufferings of Christ'''. It is added precisely because it was lacking. You fill up the measure; you do not cause it to overflow. '''You will suffer just so much as must be added of your sufferings to the complete passion of Christ, who suffered as our Head and who continues to suffer in His members''', that is, in us. Into this common treasury each pays what he owes, and according to each one’s ability we all contribute our share of suffering. '''The full measure of the Passion will not be attained until the end of the world.'''
** pp. 424-425

*When the Head and members are despised, then the whole Christ is despised, for the whole Christ, '''Head and body,''' is that just man against whom deceitful lips speak iniquity (Ps. 30:19).
** p.425

*O sons of Peace, sons of the One Catholic [Church], walk in your way, and sing as you walk. Travelers do this in order to keep up their spirits.
** p.427

*&quot;For I am holy.&quot; When I hear these words I recognize the voice of the Saviour. But shall I take away my own? Certainly when He speaks thus He speaks in inseparable union with His body. But can I say, &quot;I am holy&quot;? If I mean a holiness that I have not received, I should be proud and a liar; but if I mean a holiness that I have received - as it is written: &quot;Be ye holy because I the Lord your God am holy&quot; (Lev. 19:2) - then let the body of Christ say these words. And let this one man, who cries from the ends of the earth, say with his Head and united with his Head: &quot;I am holy.&quot; … That is not foolish pride, but an expression of gratitude. If you were to say that you are holy of yourselves, that would be pride; but if, as one of Christ's faithful and as a member of Christ, you say that you are not holy, you are ungrateful. …
** p.428

*Therefore let every Christian, yea, let the whole body of Christ everywhere cry out, '''despite the tribulations it endures, despite temptations and countless scandals,''' saying: &quot;Preserve my soul, for I am holy; save Thy servant, O my God, that trusteth in thee&quot; (Ps. 85:2) No, this holy one is not proud, for he trusts in God.
** p.429

*The members of Christ, many though they be, are bound to one another by the ties of charity and peace under the one Head, who is our Saviour Himself, and form one man. Often their voice is heard in the Psalms '''as the voice of one man'''; the cry of one is as the cry of all, for all are one in One.
** p.430

*The Word takes to Himself one man, for He takes unity. He does not take schisms to Himself, nor does He take heresies. … So it is one man who is taken, and his Head is Christ. … This is that &quot;blessed man who hath not walked in the council of the ungodly&quot; (Ps. 1:1); this is he that is assumed. He is not outside of us. … Let us be in Him, and we shall be assumed; let us be in Him, and we shall be chosen. … Therefore this one man that is taken to become the temple of God, is at once many and one.
** p.430

*Since He is the Mediator of God and men, the man Christ Jesus has been made Head of the Church, and the faithful are His members. Wherefore He says: &quot;For them I hallow Myself&quot; (John 17:19). But when He says, &quot;For them I hallow Myself,&quot; what else can He mean but this: &quot;I sanctify them in Myself, '''since truly they are Myself&quot;?''' For, as I have remarked, they of whom He speaks are His members, and the Head of the body are one Christ. … That He signifies this unity is certain from the remainder of the same verse. For having said, &quot;For them I hallow Myself,&quot; He immediately adds, &quot;in order that they too may be hallowed in truth,&quot; to show that He refers to the holiness that we are to receive in Him. Now the words &quot;in truth&quot; can only mean &quot;in Me,&quot; since Truth is the Word who in the beginning was God. &lt;br&gt;The Son of man was Himself sanctified in the Word as the moment of His creation, when the Word was made flesh, for Word and man became one Person. It was therefore in that instant that He hallowed Himself in Himself; that is, He hallowed Himself as man, in Himself as the Word. For there is but one Christ, Word and man, sanctifying the man in the Word. &lt;br&gt;But now it is on behalf of His members that He adds: &quot;and for them I hallow Myself.&quot; That is to say, that '''since they too are Myself''', so they too may profit by this sanctification just as I profited by it as man without them. &quot;And for them I hallow Myself&quot;; that is, I sanctify them in Myself as Myself, '''since in Me they too are Myself.''' &quot;In order that they too may be hallowed in truth.&quot; What do the words &quot;they too&quot; mean, if not that thy may be sanctified as I am sanctified; that is to say, &quot;in truth,&quot; which is I Myself? [''Quia et ipsi sunt ego''. &quot;Since they too are myself&quot;]
** pp. 431-432

*'''We are He''', since we are His body and since He was made man in order to be our Head.
** p.432

*We are members of this Head, '''and this body cannot be decapitated'''. If the Head is in glory forever, so too are the members in glory forever, that Christ may be undivided forever.
** p.433

*In this one man, the whole Church has been assumed by the Word.
** p.434

*Incomprehensible and immutable is the love wherewith God loves. He did not begin to love us only on the day we were reconciled to Him by the blood of His Son; He loved us before the world was made, that we too might become His sons together with His Only-begotten Son, long before we had any existence....
** p.435

*'''[[Love]] all men, even your enemies; love them, not because they are your brothers, but that they may become your brothers. Thus you will ever burn with fraternal love, both for him who is already your brother and for your enemy, that he may by loving become your brother. … Even he that does not as yet believe in Christ … love him, and love him with fraternal love. He is not yet thy brother, but love him precisely that he may be thy brother.'''
** p.436

*'''What is the use of believing, if the dost blaspheme?''' Thou adorest Him as Head, and dost '''blaspheme Him in His body'''. He loves His body. Thou canst cut thyself off from the body, but the Head does not detach itself from its body. '''&quot;Thou dost honor me in vain,&quot;''' He cries from heaven, '''&quot;thou dost honor Me in vain!&quot;''' If someone wished to kiss thy cheek, but insisted at the same time on trampling thy feet; if with his hailed boots he were to crush thy feet as he tries to hold thy head and kiss thee, wouldst thou not interrupt his expression of respect and cry out: &quot;What are thou doing, man? Thou art trampling upon me!&quot; … &lt;br&gt;It is for this reason that before He ascended into heaven our Lord Jesus Christ recommended to us His body, by which He was to remain upon earth. '''For He foresaw that many would pay Him homage because of His glory in heaven, but that their homage would be vain, so long as they despise His members on earth'''. (pp. 436-437)[http://books.google.com/books?id=CIosAAAAIAAJ&amp;q=%22their+homage+would+be+vain,+so+long+as+they+despise+His+members+on+earth%22&amp;dq=%22their+homage+would+be+vain,+so+long+as+they+despise+His+members+on+earth%22&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ei=3AIXUd70C4mi8QTi2IC4Cg&amp;ved=0CC0Q6AEwAA]

* '''Choose to love whomsoever thou wilt: all else will follow.''' Thou mayest say, &quot;I love only God, God the Father.&quot; Wrong! If Thou lovest Him, thou dost not love Him alone; but if thou lovest the Father, thou lovest also the Son. Or thou mayest say, &quot;I love the Father and I love the Son, but these alone; God the Father and God the Son, our Lord Jesus Christ who ascended into heaven and sitteth at the right hand of the Father, the Word by whom all things were made, the Word who was made flesh and dwelt amongst us; only these do I love.&quot; Wrong again! '''If thou lovest the Head, thou lovest also the members; if thou lovest not the members, neither dost thou love the Head'''.
** p 438

===''Contra epistolam Manichaei''===

* '''Ego vero Evangelio non crederem, nisi me catholicae Ecclesiae commoveret auctoritas.''' (chapter 5)[https://www.augustinus.it/latino/contro_lettera_mani/index.htm]
** Nicene Post-Nicene Fathers translation: &quot;I should not believe the gospel except as moved by the authority of the Catholic Church.&quot; [https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Nicene_and_Post-Nicene_Fathers:_Series_I/Volume_IV/Manichaean_Controversy/Against_the_Epistle_of_Manichaeus/Chapter_5]
** Alternate translation: &quot;But I would not believe in the Gospel, had not the authority of the Catholic Church already moved me.&quot;

{{Disputed begin}}

== Disputed ==
[[File:Augustinus 2.jpg|thumb|right|To [[wisdom]] belongs the intellectual apprehension of things [[eternal]]; to [[knowledge]], the rational apprehension of things temporal.]]
* ''Humilitas homines sanctis angelis similes facit, et superbia ex angelis demones facit.''
** '''It was pride that changed [[angels]] into [[devils]]; it is [[humility]] that makes [[men]] as angels.'''
*** As quoted in ''Manipulus Florum'' (''c.'' 1306), edited by [[w:Thomas of Ireland|Thomas Hibernicus]], Superbia i cum uariis; also in ''Best Thoughts Of Best Thinkers: Amplified, Classified, Exemplified and Arranged as a Key to unlock the Literature of All Ages'' (1904) edited by Hialmer Day Gould and Edward Louis Hessenmueller&lt;!-- it has been suggested by the person who posted this that his may be Augustine quoting [[Ambrose]], Bishop of Milan — but I find no reference for such suggestions. ~ Kalki 2010·03·13 04:29 --&gt;

* My mother spoke of [[Christ]] to my father, by her feminine and childlike virtues, and, after having borne his violence without a murmur or complaint, gained him at the close of his life to Christ.
** Reported in Josiah Hotchkiss Gilbert, ''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895), p. 351

* '''[[Charity]] is no substitute for [[justice]] withheld.'''
** As quoted in ''Majority of One'' (1957) by Sydney J. Harris, p. 283

* '''What does [[love]] look like? It has the [[hands]] to [[help]] others. It has the feet to hasten to the [[poor]] and needy. It has [[eyes]] to see misery and want. It has the ears to hear the sighs and [[sorrows]] of men. That is what love looks like.'''
** As quoted in ''Quote, Unquote'' (1977) by Lloyd Cory, p. 197

* '''[[Hope]] has two beautiful daughters. Their names are [[anger]] and [[courage]]; anger at the way things are, and courage to see that they do not remain the way they are.'''
** As quoted in ''Spirituality and Liberation: Overcoming the Great Fallacy'' (1988) by Robert McAfee Brown, p. 136

* '''To [[wisdom]] belongs the intellectual apprehension of things eternal; to [[knowledge]], the rational apprehension of things temporal.'''
** As quoted in ''The Anchor Book of Latin Quotations: with English translations‎'' (1990) by Norbert Guterman, p. 375

* '''By [[Faith|faithfulness]] we are collected and wound up into [[unity]] within ourselves, whereas we had been scattered abroad in multiplicity.'''
** As quoted in ''Footprints in Time : Fulfilling God's Destiny for Your Life'' (2007) by Jeff O'Leary, p. 223

*[[Woman]], compared to other creatures, is the image of God, for she bears dominion over them. But compared unto man, she may not be called the image of God, for she bears not rule and lordship over man, but ought to obey him. The woman shall be subject to man as unto Christ. For woman, has not her example from the body and from the flesh, that so she shall be subject to man, as the flesh is unto the Spirit, because that the flesh in the weakness and mortality of this life lusts and strives against the Spirit, and therefore would not the Holy Ghost give example of subjection to the woman of any such thing.
** As quoted by [[John Knox]] [http://www.swrb.com/newslett/actualNLs/firblast.htm ''The First Blast to Awaken Women Degenerate'' ] (1558)

* The female defects – greed, hate, and delusion and other defilements – are greater than the male’s…You [women] should have such an intention…Because I wish to be freed from the impurities of the woman’s body, I will acquire the beautiful and fresh body of a man.
** [[Saint Augustine]] as quoted by Dr Bettany Hughes [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-life/11785181/Feminism-started-with-the-Buddha-and-Confucius-25-centuries-ago.html Telegraph]

* '''Do not despair: one thief was saved. Do not presume: one thief was damned.'''
** Attributed to St. Augustine in [http://www.oxford-shakespeare.com/Greene/Repentance_Robert_Greene.pdf ''The Repentance of Robert Greene, Master of Arts''] (1592) by [[Robert Greene (dramatist)|Robert Greene]].

* '''Without [[God]], we cannot. Without us, God will not.'''
** As quoted in ''If God Be For Us : Sermons on the Gifts of the Gospel'' (1954), by Robert Edward Luccock, p. 38; this may be a variant translation or paraphrase of an expression in his 169th sermon: &quot;He who created you without you will not justify you without you.&quot;

* '''If you believe what you like in the gospels, and reject what you don't like, it is not the gospel you believe, but yourself.'''
** Earliest attribution found in ''[https://books.google.nl/books?id=7mn8AwAAQBAJ&amp;pg=PT63 Who Said That?: More than 2,500 Usable Quotes and Illustrations]'' (1995) by George Sweeting. Online sources always attribute the quote to Augustine, but never specify in which of his works it is to be found.

* '''To my God a heart of flame; To my fellow man a heart of love; To myself a heart of steel.'''
** Attributed to Augustine by many sources on line, but without an actual reference.
{{Disputed end}}

{{Misattributed begin}}

==Misattributed==
* ''Quando hic sum, non iuieno Sabbato; quando Romae sum, iuieno Sabbato.''
** When I am here, I do not fast on Saturday; when at Rome, I do fast on Saturday.
*** Here, in ''Letter 36 &quot;To Casulanus&quot; (396 A.D.)'', Augustine is quoting [[w:Ambrose|Ambrose]].
*** Origin of the phrase: &quot;When in Rome, do as the Romans do.&quot;

* ''[[w:In necessariis unitas, in dubiis libertas, in omnibus caritas|In necessariis unitas, In dubiis libertas, In omnibus autem caritas.]]''
** In [[Necessity|necessary]] things, [[unity]]; in [[Doubt|doubtful]] things, [[liberty]]; in all things, [[charity]] ([[love]]).
*** The first known occurrence of such an expression is as &quot;''Omnesque mutuam amplecteremur unitatem in necessariis, in non necessariis libertatem, in omnibus caritatem''&quot; in ''De Republica Ecclesiastica'' by [[w:Marco Antonio de Dominis|Marco Antonio de Dominis]], Pars I. London (1617), lib. 4 cap. 8  [http://books.google.de/books?id=QcVFAAAAcAAJ&amp;pg=PA676 p. 676 (penultimate sentence) books.google], cf. [http://liberlocorumcommunium.blogspot.com/2010/03/in-necessariis-unitas-in-non.html liberlocorumcommunium].

* ''Qui cantat, bis orat''
** He who sings prays twice.
** Not found in his writings. In his &quot;Expositions on the Psalms&quot; for psalm 72, he wrote, &quot;Qui enim cantat laudem, non solum laudat, sed etiam hilariter laudat; qui cantat laudem, non solum cantat, sed et amat eum quem cantat.&quot; An English translation would be &quot;For he who sings praise, does not only praise, but also praises joyously; he who sings praise, is not only singing, but also loving Him whom he is singing of.&quot; 
** The earliest occurrence on Google Books of &quot;Qui cantat, orat bis&quot; is on page 4 of the 1554 book ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=5k-v3J8pmFAC&amp;pg=RA1-PA4-IA1#v=onepage&amp;q=qui%20cantat%20orat%20bis&amp;f=false Cantiones Evangelicae: Ad Usitatas Harmonias...]'' by Wenzel Nicolaides. 

* ''Inter faeces et urinas nascimur.''
** We are born between feces and urine.
***Attributed to a church father in Freud's ''Dora''; Freud seems to have found it in an anatomy textbook by Josef Hyrtl (1867), where it was attributed to a church father; it may have been invented by Hyrtl. [[http://books.google.com/books?id=yw3tglAWxNAC&amp;pg=RA1-PR72&amp;lpg=RA1-PR72&amp;dq=%22inter+urinas+et+faeces+nascimur%22+hyrtl&amp;source=bl&amp;ots=2sjrc-dGEs&amp;sig=MDvt7D74M5JPozL1HKnN1FEmxbY&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ei=vHJtUuneKJjb4APXq4CIAQ&amp;ved=0CCkQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&amp;q=%22inter%20urinas%20et%20faeces%20nascimur%22%20hyrtl&amp;f=false]] For Hyrtl's quotation see [[http://books.google.com/books?id=qrEaAAAAYAAJ&amp;pg=PA820&amp;dq=nascimur+inauthor:Hyrtl&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ei=z3RtUru2LMzKkAfnm4DoAQ&amp;ved=0CC8Q6AEwAA#v=onepage&amp;q=nascimur%20inauthor%3AHyrtl&amp;f=false]].
***An early similar phrase appears in a work by the 16th century philosopher Mark Antony Zimara: ''Quippe si se inter stercus &amp; urinam conceptum fuisse reminisceretur [...] non utique superbiret.'' (&quot;Since, if [man] remembered that he was conceived between dung and urine, [...] he obviously would not feel pride.&quot;) (Source: [https://books.google.pl/books?id=5bY7AAAAcAAJ&amp;pg=PA154#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false Problemata Aristotelis ac philosophorum medicorumque complurium, Lyon 1557, p. 154])
** Variant: We are born amid feces and urine.

* The world is a great book, of which they that never stir from home read only a page.
** Attributed to Augustine in [http://www.archive.org/details/selectproverbsa00wadegoog &quot;Select Proverbs of All Nations&quot; (1824) by &quot;Thomas Fielding&quot; (John Wade), p. 216], and later in the form &quot;The World is a book, and those who do not travel read only a page&quot;, as quoted in ''20,000 Quips &amp; Quotes'' (1995) by Evan Esar, p. 822; this has not been located in Augustine's writings, and may be a variant translation of an expression found in ''[[wikisource:fr:Le Cosmopolite, ou Le Citoyen du monde|Le Cosmopolite]]'' (1753) by Fougeret de Monbron: &quot;The universe is a sort of book, whose first page one has read when one has seen only one's own country.&quot; &lt;!-- This is a portion of an epigraph to ''Childe Harold's Pilgrimage'' by [[Lord Byron]] which reads in full: &quot;The universe is a sort of book, whose first page one has read when one has seen only one's own country. I have leafed through a great many that I have found equally bad. This inquiry has not been at all unfruitful. I hated my country. All the oddities of the different people among whom I have lived have reconciled me to it. Should I gain no other benefit from my travels than this, I will have regretted neither the pains nor the fatigues.&quot; --&gt;

* There is no saint without a past, no sinner without a future.
** This is sometimes attributed to Augustine, but the earliest known occurrence is in ''Persian Rosary'' (c. 1929) by [[w:Ahmad Sohrab|Ahmad Sohrab]] &lt;small&gt;[http://magshare.net/narchive/NArchive/Misc/Raw_Data/A_Persian_Rosary_by_Mirza_Ahmad_Sohrab.pdf (PDF)]&lt;/small&gt;, which probably originates as a paraphrase of a statement in [[Oscar Wilde#A Woman of No Importance (1893)|Oscar Wilde]]'s 1893 play ''A Woman of No Importance'': &quot;The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.&quot;

* Our bodies are shaped to bear children, and our lives are a working out of the processes of creation. All our ambitions and intelligence are beside that great elemental point.
** Sometimes attributed to Augustine, but is from [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phyllis_McGinley Phyllis McGinley], ''The Province of the Heart'', &quot;The Honor of Being a Woman&quot; (1959).

* The truth is like a lion. You don’t have to defend it. Let it loose and it will defend itself.
** Not found in Augustine's works, it is stated in [https://fauxtations.wordpress.com/2015/10/18/st-augustine-the-truth-is-like-a-lion/ ''Fauxtations: Because sometimes the Internet is wrong'' : St. Augustine: The Truth is Like a Lion (18 October 2015)], that this is very likely a summary derived from statements of [[Charles Haddon Spurgeon]] about the &quot;Word of God&quot; or &quot;the pure gospel&quot;, and the [[Bible]]: 
::: '''The Word of God can take care of itself, and will do so if we preach it, and cease defending it. See you that lion.''' They have caged him for his preservation; shut him up behind iron bars to secure him from his foes! See how a band of armed men have gathered together to protect the lion. What a clatter they make with their swords and spears! These mighty men are intent upon defending a lion. O fools, and slow of heart! Open that door! Let the lord of the forest come forth free. Who will dare to encounter him? What does he want with your guardian care? '''Let the pure gospel go forth in all its lion-like majesty, and it will soon clear its own way and ease itself of its adversaries.'''
:::* ''The Lover of God’s Law Filled with Peace'' (January 1888)
:: and the earlier:
::: There seems to me to have been twice as much done in some ages in defending the Bible as in expounding it, but if the whole of our strength shall henceforth go to the exposition and spreading of it, we may leave it pretty much to defend itself. I do not know whether you see that lion — it is very distinctly before my eyes; a number of persons advance to attack him, while a host of us would defend the grand old monarch, the British Lion, with all our strength. Many suggestions are made and much advice is offered. This weapon is recommended, and the other. Pardon me if I offer a quiet suggestion. '''Open the door and let the lion out; he will take care of himself.''' Why, they are gone! He no sooner goes forth in his strength than his assailants flee. The way to meet infidelity is to spread the Bible. The answer to every objection against the Bible is the Bible.
:::* Speech at the Annual Meeting of the British and Foreign Bible Society [https://books.google.com/books?id=j_0CAAAAQAAJ&amp;pg=PA17&amp;lpg=PA17#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false &quot;The Bible&quot; (5 May 1875), in ''Speeches by C. H. Spurgeon at Home and Abroad'' (1878) edited by G.H. Pike]

* All truth is God's truth.
** Paraphrase of &quot;Wherever one discovers truth, it is the Lord's&quot; from Augustine's ''On Christian Teaching'', Book 2.

* I know, but it is no longer I.
** Supposedly spoken by Augustine to his former concubine when she greeted him in the street, and when he ignored her said &quot;Augustine, it is I!&quot; Actually the quote (''Sed ego non sum ego'') is from [https://www.documentacatholicaomnia.eu/02m/0339-0397,_Ambrosius,_De_Poenitentia_Libri_Duo,_MLT.pdf ''De Poenitentia'', Book II], Chapter 10 by Ambrose. Ambrose relates it as a fable, not concerning Augustine, as explained [https://truthchallenge.one/blog/2014/11/17/did-st-augustine-say-this-to-a-prostitute/ here].

{{Misattributed end}}

== Quotes about Augustine ==
[[File:Władysław Wankie Святой Августин.jpg|thumb|They saw a little [[child]], who, having dug a tiny hole in the sand, was filling it with sea-water out of a cockle-shell. Augustine, smiling, asked him whether he thought to empty the whole [[ocean]] into it? The child replied, &quot;Why not? It would be easier than to get into your head the incomprehensible ocean of the Holy Trinity!&quot;]]
:&lt;small&gt;Sorted alphabetically by author or source&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:0410 - Pavia - S. Pietro in Ciel d'Oro - Arca S. Agostino (1362) - Foto Giovanni Dall'Orto, 17-Oct-2009A.jpg|thumb|The first thinker who brought into prominence and undertook an analysis of the [[philosophical]] and [[psychological]] concepts of person and [[personality]]. ~ Paul Henry]]
[[File:0408 - Pavia - S. Pietro in Ciel d'Oro - Arca S. Agostino (1362) - Foto Giovanni Dall'Orto, 17-Oct-2009.jpg|thumb|He was a [[genius]] — an intellectual giant — and he received a thorough classical education. ~  [[:w:Norman Cantor|Norman Cantor]] ]]
[[File:Lombardia Pavia1 tango7174.jpg|thumb|No one, it seems to me, can [[hope]] to equal Augustine. Who, nowadays, could hope to equal one who, in my [[judgment]], was the [[greatest]] in an age fertile in great [[minds]]? ~ [[Petrarch]] ]]
* Many centuries ago, Saint Augustine, a saint of my church, wrote that a people was a multitude defined by the common objects of their [[love]]—defined by the common objects of their love. What are the common objects we as [[Americans]] love? That define us as Americans? I think we know: [[opportunity]], [[security]], [[liberty]], [[dignity]], [[respect]], [[honor]], and yes, the [[truth]].
** [[Joe Biden]], [https://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/documents/inaugural-address-53 Inaugural Address], (20 January 2021) 

*'''St. Augustine occupied himself with several religious works, and among others, a ''[[w:On the Trinity|Treatise on the Trinity]]''.''' One day, as he was walking up and down the shore, meditating on this [[mystery]] with his mother, they saw a little child, who, having dug a tiny hole in the sand, was filling it with sea-water out of a cockle-shell. '''Augustine, smiling, asked him whether he thought to empty the whole [[ocean]] into it?''' The child replied, &quot;Why not? It would be easier than to get into your head the incomprehensible ocean of the Holy Trinity!&quot;
** [[w:Louis-Victor-Emile Bougaud|Louis-Victor-Emile Bougaud]], presenting a traditional anecdote in ''Histoire de sainte Monique'' (1866), as translated in ''The Mother of Saint Augustine'' (1869) by [[w:Elizabeth Herbert, Baroness Herbert of Lea|Lady Herbert of Lea]]

* Monica his mother was almost certainly a Berber and his father was probably a mixture of Berber and Roman ancestry.
** [[:w:Donald Burt|Donald Burt]], in [http://www.villanova.edu/mission/spirituality/about/ Augustine's World: An Introduction to His Speculative Philosophy] by [[:w:Donald Burt|Donald Burt]], member of the [[:w:Augustinians|Augustinian Order]], [[:w:Villanova University|Villanova University]]

* '''A Berber, born in 354 at Thagaste (now Souk-Ahras) in Africa... The exceptional brilliance of his works (''[[w:City of God (book)|The City of God]]'', ''[[w:Confessions (St. Augustine)|The Confessions]]''), his contradictory nature, his desire to bring together faith and intelligence, classical and Christian civilization, the old wine and the new — these deliberate efforts made him in some ways a rationalist.''' For him, faith came first: but he nevertheless declared 'Credo ut intelligam' — 'I believe in order to understand.' He also said 'Si fallor, sum'  — 'If I am mistaken, I exist' — and 'Si dubitat, vivit' — 'If he doubts, he is alive'... '''Posterity undoubtedly concentrated its attention on St Augustine as a theologian, and on what he wrote about predestination. But Augustinianism gave Western Christianity some of its colour and its ability to adapt and debate — if only by insisting on the vital need to embrace the faith in full awareness, after deep personnal reflection, and with the will to act accordingly.'''
** [[:w:Fernand Braudel|Fernand Braudel]], ''A History of Civilizations'' (1963), Penguin Books (1995 edition), p. 335

* '''Of all the fathers of the church, St. Augustine was the most admired and the most influential during the Middle Ages.''' He was well suited by background and experience to conduct a fundamental examination of the relationship of the Christian experience to classical culture. Augustine was an outsider — a native North African whose family was not Roman but Berber (today regarded as &quot;Arabs&quot;). … Not born to the imperial power elite, he could disassociate himself from the empire and its destiny.&lt;br&gt;Augustine was enormously learned. '''He was a [[genius]] — an intellectual giant — and he received a thorough classical education. He was not much of a linguist (his Greek was poor, and he never learned Hebrew) but he was a master of Latin rhetoric; certain passages in ''The City of God'' equal the writings of [[Cicero]] in complexity and eloquence.'''
** [[w:Norman Cantor|Norman Cantor]], ''The Civilization of the Middle Ages'' (1993), p. 74

* His considered answer to what God was doing before creating the universe was &quot;the world was made with time and not in time.&quot; Augustine's God is a being who transcends time, a being located outside time altogether and responsible for creating time as well as space and matter. Thus Augustine skillfully avoided the problem of why the creation happened at that moment rather than some earlier moment. ''There were no earlier moments.'' Identical reasoning applies to the scientific problem. If the universe originated in time, then it cannot have been caused by any physical process that has a finite probability, because if it did, then the event would already have happened, an infinite time ago. ...He wasn't even the first person to hit on the idea of time coming into being with the universe. [[Plato]] said much the same thing hundreds of years earlier. The history of philosophy is so rich and diverse that it would be astonishing if theories emerging from science hadn't been foreshadowed in some vague way by somebody.
** [[w:Paul Davies|Paul Davies]], ''Cosmic Jackpot: Why Our Universe is Just Right for Life'' (2007)

* He was himself a true African. Indeed, we may say he was an African first and a Roman afterwards, since, in spite his genuine loyalty towards the Empire, he shows none of the specifically Roman patriotism which marks [[Ambrose]] or [[Prudentius]].
** [[:w:Christopher Dawson|Christopher Dawson]], ''Enquiries into Religion and Culture (1933)'', CUA Press edition, 2009 , p. 109

* In the history of thought and civilization, Saint Augustine appears to me to be '''the first thinker who brought into prominence and undertook an analysis of the philosophical and psychological concepts of person and personality'''. These ideas, so vital to contemporary man, shape not only Augustine's own doctrine on God but also his philosophy of man: man as an individual, man as a member of societies and institutions — the family, the city, the state and the church.
** Paul Henry, S.J., in ''Saint Augustine on Personality: The Saint Augustine Lecture'' (1960), p. 1

* The paper emphasizes that ideas about masturbation are crucial to understanding any societal attitudes toward sex. It examines attitudes to masturbation in ancient Egypt, Tigris Euphrates Valley, India, and China. It looks at Biblical views and their misinterpretations and at the Greek and Roman descriptions of masturbatory practices. Key to the development of western attitudes was the Augustinian version of sex which was influenced by Augustine's personal background in Manichaeanism, a religion which was based on ancient Persian beliefs. The Augustinian view of all non-procreative sex as a sin was carried over into medicine in the eighteenth century which changed sins into pathologies. 
** Harriet Hogarth &amp; Roger Ingham, [https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/00224490902878993?src=recsys “Masturbation Among Young Women and Associations with Sexual Health: An Exploratory Study”], ''The Journal of Sex Research'' Volume 46, 2009 - Issue 6 pp. 558-567.

* The greatest influence during the dark ages was Augustine, who was influenced by Plotinus, who was influenced by Indian mysticism. Long before Aldous Huxley found Yoga a remedy for our Brave New World, Schopenhauer called the Upanishads the consolation of his life.
** [[Arthur Koestler]]. source: The Indian Encyclopaedia, Subodh Kapoor. Quoted from Gewali, Salil (2013). Great Minds on India. New Delhi: Penguin Random House. 

* Augustine, the North African of Berber descent, is today the spiritual father of multitudes who are remote indeed from him racially, politically, and culturally.
** [[:w:John H. Leith|John H. Leith]], ''From Generation to Generation: The Renewal of the Church According to Its Own Theology and Practice'', Westminster John Knox Press, 1990, p. 24

* '''He used to say, half in [[jest]], that his great ambition was to complete St. Augustine's ''Confessions'', but that St. Augustine, like a great artist, had worked from multiplicity to [[unity]], while he, like a small one, had to reverse the method and work back from unity to multiplicity.'''
** [[Henry Adams]] about himself, writing under the name of his friend [[Henry Cabot Lodge]], in the [http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/etext00/eduha10h.htm Editor's Preface to the 1918 edition of ''The Education of Henry Adams'' (September 1918)]

* '''As a Theologian, I learned from my master, St. Augustine, a Berber, that all nations are [[necessarily]] a mixture, which it is not impossible for us to disentangle, of the City of Good and the City of Evil.'''
** [[:w:Henri-Irénée Marrou|Henri-Irénée Marrou]], ''Christianity and Crisis'', Christianity and Crisis, 1967, p. 93

* There was a Christian redaction of the historical vision of reality, associated especially with the thought of St. Augustine of Hippo.
** [[William Hardy McNeill]], [http://libx.bsu.edu/cdm4/document.php?CISOROOT=/ConspectusH&amp;CISOPTR=1377&amp;REC=1 &quot;Discrepancies among the Social Sciences&quot;] ''Conspectus of History'' v.1, no.7, pp.35-45

* '''Augustine distinctly rejected [[w:Special_Creation|Special Creation]] in favor of a doctrine which, without any violence to language, we may call a theory of Evolution.'''
** [[w:Aubrey_Moore|Aubrey Moore]], [http://books.google.com/books?id=BBEVWK5LaKQC&amp; ''Science and Faith''] (1893)

* Augustine in his anti-Pelagian work, Marriage and Concupiscence, analyzed abortion with his usual attention to psychology. Using terms that seem to anticipate modern analyses of sadism, he described it as the work of minds characterized by &quot;lustful cruelty&quot; or &quot;cruel lust.&quot; Speaking of the married who avoided offspring, he declared, &lt;br&gt; Sometimes [Aliquando] this lustful cruelty or cruel lust comes to this that they even procure poisons of sterility, and if these do not work, they extinguish and destroy the fetus in some way in the womb, preferring that their offspring die before it lives, or if it was already alive in the womb, to kill it before it was born. Assuredly if both husband and wife are like this, they are not married, and if they were like this from the beginning, they come together not joined in matrimony but seduction. If both are not like this, I dare to say that either the wife is in a fashion the harlot of her husband, or he is an adulter with his own wife.
** John T. Noonan Jr., [https://scholarship.law.nd.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1125&amp;context=nd_naturallaw_forum “Abortion and the Catholic Church: A Summary History”, 1-1-1967, ‘’Natural Law Forum’’. Paper 126, pp. 95-96

* Augustine thus condemned three kinds of act: contraception, the killing of the fetus before it is formed or &quot;lives,&quot; and the killing of the live fetus. The analysis was a new approach in treating each of these acts as a sin against marriage. Elsewhere Augustine treated abortion as a form of homicide. 
** John T. Noonan Jr., [https://scholarship.law.nd.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1125&amp;context=nd_naturallaw_forum “Abortion and the Catholic Church: A Summary History”, 1-1-1967, ‘’Natural Law Forum’’. Paper 126, p.96

* '''If the orthodoxy of Augustine had remained the teaching of the Church, the final establishment of Evolution would have come far earlier than it did, certainly during the eighteenth instead of the nineteenth century, and the bitter controversy over this truth of Nature would never have arisen.'''
** [[Henry Fairfield Osborn]], ''[[From the Greeks to Darwin]]'' (1894)

* Plainly as the direct or instantaneous Creation of animals and plants appeared to be taught in ''[[Genesis]]'', Augustine read this in the light of primary causation and the gradual development from the imperfect to the perfect of [[Aristotle]]. This most influential teacher thus handed down to his followers opinions which closely conform to the progressive views of those theologians of the present day who have accepted the [[Evolution]] theory.
** [[Henry Fairfield Osborn]], ''From the Greeks to Darwin'' (1894)

* '''Augustine''' thus sought a naturalistic interpretation of the Mosaic record, or potential rather than special creation, and '''taught that in the institution of Nature we should not look for miracles but for the laws of Nature.'''
** [[Henry Fairfield Osborn]], ''From the Greeks to Darwin'' (1894)

* '''I would inquire of reasonable persons whether this principle: ''Matter is naturally wholly incapable of thought'', and this other: ''I think, therefore I am'', are in fact the same in the mind of [[René_Descartes|Descartes]], and in that of St. Augustine, who said the same thing twelve hundred years before.''' ...I am far from affirming that Descartes is not the real author of it, even if he may have learned it only in reading this distinguished saint; for I know how much difference there is between writing a word by chance without making a longer and more extended reflection on it, and perceiving in this word an admirable series of conclusions, which prove the distinction between material and spiritual natures, and making of it a firm and sustained principle of a complete metaphysical system, as Descartes has pretended to do. ...it is on this supposition that I say that this expression is as different in his writings from the saying in others who have said it by chance, as in a man full of life and strength, from a corpse.
** Note: see above St. Augustine, ''City of God'', [[s:The_City_of_God/Book_XI/Chapter_26|XI, 26]]
** [[Blaise Pascal]], ''[[Blaise_Pascal#The_Art_of_Persuasion|The Art of Persuasion]]''

* The whole of North Africa was a glory of Christendom with St. Augustine, himself a Berber, its chief ornament.
** [[:w:Paulist Fathers|Paulist Fathers]], ''[[:w:Catholic World|Catholic World]]'', Volumes 175-176, (1952), p. 376

* '''No one, it seems to me, can hope to equal Augustine. Who, nowadays, could hope to equal one who, in my judgment, was the greatest in an age fertile in great minds?'''
** [[Petrarch]], in a letter to [[Giovanni Boccaccio]] (28 April 1373), as quoted in ''Petrarch : The First Modern Scholar and Man of Letters'' (1898) edited by James Harvey Robinson and Henry Winchester Rolfe, p. 418

* And  how  wisely  this  has  been decreed St. Augustine thus shows:   &quot;This  indeed  is  fitting,  that the lower be subject to the higher, so that he who would have subject to himself whatever is below him,  should  himself  submit  to  whatever is above him.  Acknowledge order,  seek  peace.  Be thou subject to God, and thy flesh subject to thee.   What  more  fitting!  What more fair!  Thou art subject to the higher  and  the lower is subject to thee.  Do thou serve Him who made thee,  so that that which was made for thee may serve thee.  For we do not  commend  this order, namely, &quot;The flesh to thee and thou to God,&quot; but  &quot;Thou  to  God,  and  the  flesh to thee.&quot; If, however, thou dost despise the subjection of thyself to God, thou shalt never bring about the  subjection  of  the  flesh to thyself.  If thou dost not obey the Lord,  thou shalt be tormented by thy servant.&quot; This right ordering on the  part  of  God's  wisdom  is  mentioned  by the holy Doctor  of the  Gentiles,  inspired by the Holy Ghost,  for in speaking of  those ancient philosophers  who refused to adore and reverence Him Whom they knew to be  the creator of the universe, he says:  &quot;Wherefore God gave them up to the desires of their heart,  unto uncleanness,  to dishonor their own bodies  among  themselves;&quot;  and  again:  &quot;For this same God delivered  them  up  to shameful affections.&quot;
** [[w:Pope Pius XI|Pius XI]] quoting St. Augustine, &quot;Ennarration in Psalmis,&quot; 143; [https://web.archive.org/web/20070328092812/http://wiretap.area.com/Gopher/Library/Religion/Catholic/Pius_XI/Casti_connubii &quot;Casti Connubii: Encyclical of Pope Pius XI on Christian Marriage, December 31, 1930&quot;], ‘’The Vatican’’, “DIVINELY ORDAINED PLAN”, n.29-30; Archived from [http://wiretap.area.com/Gopher/Library/Religion/Catholic/Pius_XI/Casti_connubii the original] on March 28, 2007. Retrieved 2006-10-01. 

* Augustine of Hippo (350–430 C.E.), an influential bishop of the early Christian church, taught that [[masturbation]] and other alternatives to penile-vaginal intercourse —outercourse —were worse sins than [[fornication]], [[rape]], [[incest]], and [[adultery]]. He argued that masturbation and other non reproductive sexual activities were “unnatural” sins because they were [[contraceptive]]. Since fornication, rape, incest, and adultery could lead to [[pregnancy]], they were “[[natural]]” [[sins]] and much less [[serious]] than “unnatural” sins (Ranke-Heinemann, 1990).
** [https://www.plannedparenthood.org/files/2613/9611/6275/History_of_BC_Methods.pdf “A History of Birth Control Methods “], ''Planned Parenthood'', p.2

* Augustine’s [[importance]] to the subsequent [[history]] of [[Europe]] is impossible to exaggerate. His [[political theory]], which is all we focus on here, was a very small part of what he wrote in some 113 [[books]] and innumerable [[w:Letter (message)|letters]] and [[sermons]]. Nonetheless, it is [[Pregnancy|pregnant]] with [[arguments]] that racked not only [[Christian]] Europe but the modern world: how seriously should a Christian with his eyes on [[eternity]] take the politics of this earthly [[life]]; is it the [[duty]] of the [[state]] to protect the [[church]], repress [[heresy]], and ensure that its citizens adhere to the one [[true]] [[faith]]; absent a Christian [[ruler]], are we absolved of the [[duty]] to [[obey]] our rulers, or must we follow [[Saint Paul]]’s injunction to “obey the powers that be”? More generally, Augustine articulated distinctive and long-lived thoughts on matters that remain [[controversial]]: the nature of [[w:Just war theory|just war]], the illegitimacy of the [[death penalty]], the limits of earthly [[justice]]. The fact that his views on all these matters were embedded in a theology of some bleakness does not mean that they do not survive on their own merits. One needs only the barest sympathy with the thought that we are fallen creatures to find many of his views deeply appealing, far from cheerful as they may be.
** [[Alan Ryan]], ''On Politics'' (2012), Ch. 5 : Augustine’s Two Cities

* [[Augustine]] saw a [[noble]] [[purpose]] in [[rape]]; while promising [[women]] that “savage lust perpetuated against them will be punished,” he also praises rape for keeping women humble, letting them know “whether previously they were [[arrogant]] with regard to their [[virginity]] or over-fond of [[praise]], or whether they would have become proud had they not [[suffered]] violation.”
** [[w:Andrew Solomon|Andrew Solomon]], [https://www.newyorker.com/news/news-desk/the-legitimate-children-of-rape “The Legitimate Children of Rape”], ''[[w:The New Yorker|The New Yorker]]'', (August 29, 2012).

* '''There would be no end to quotations that bring out the unequalled influence of Augustine’s thought and work on the Latin West.''' « No work by a Christian author in the Latin tongue was to stir such great admiration and inquietude and enjoy such glory » (Dominique de Courcelles, ''Augustin ou le génie de l’Europe''). To the point that the author of this passage, while aware that he is speaking, as he says, « of a Christian Berber », nevertheless gives his book the title ''Augustine or the Genius of Europe''. And the [[genius]] was a Numidian of the Roman Empire. What a decanting of wisdom from the south to the north of the Mediterranean!
** [[:w:Henri Antoine Marie Teissier|Henri Antoine Marie Teissier]], in [http://www.30giorni.it/us/articolo.asp?id=3553 The African roots of Latin Christianity], drawn from the lecture given at the conference promoted by the Institute of Augustinian studies, Paris, (13 March 2003)

* This idea of these great fathers of the Eastern Church took even stronger hold on the great father of the Western Church. For St. Augustine, so fettered usually by the letter of the sacred text, broke from his own famous doctrine as to the acceptance of Scripture and spurned the generally received [[belief]] of a creative process... In his great treatise [''De Cenesi contra Manichæos''] on ''[[Genesis]]'' he says: &quot;'''To suppose that [[God]] formed man from the dust with bodily hands is very childish. ...God neither formed man with bodily hands nor did he breathe upon him with throat and lips.'''&quot;
** [[Andrew Dickson White]], ''[[A History of the Warfare of Science with Theology in Christendom]]'' (1896), Ch.1, pp.52-53

* In the [[Middle Ages]] society was far more static and was essentially hierarchical in nature. As a result the causal or genetic attitude was far less important in medieval thought that it is in ours and the concept of evolution had little influence compared with the role of symbolism in the general world-view... Moreover, even the concept of time itself was of less significance to historians... For St Augustine the date of an event was of far less importance than its theological significance. His tendency to see everything in a theological rather than in a historical perspective was a powerful influence in the Middle Ages... It was not until the nineteenth century that the fundamental significance of the historical perspective came to be generally recognized. This was several hundred years after the theory and practice of perspective had been developed by painters and others. In each case a new way of looking at the world resulted.
** [[Gerald James Whitrow]], ''Time in History: Views of Time from Prehistory to the Present Day'' (1988)

=== “When Children Became People: the birth of childhood in early Christianity” (2005) ===
&lt;small&gt; Odd Magne Bakke, [https://books.google.com/books?id=VBN6r3cC6v0C “When Children Became People: the birth of childhood in early Christianity”], translated from Norwegian by Brian McNeil, Augsburg Fortress Minneapolis, MN, (2005) &lt;/small&gt;
* If they suffer without deserving it, the implication is that God punishes them without any reason. This is to say that God is unjust. This is exactly what Augustine accuses Julian of doing: “When you say that these miseries happen to the little ones without any sin, you really make God unjust.” However, this position is impossible because only justice and goodness can be ascribed to God. &lt;br&gt; Augustine is concerned with the salvation of the little ones, and emphasizes that Christ died for them too. He refers to several passages of the New Testament which say that Christ’s salvific work was intended for all human beings. For instance, after having quoted the words of Paul that God demonstrated his love toward us by the fact that Christ died for us when we were sinners (Romans 5:8-9), he argues that if the little ones are not fetted by sin, then Christ did not die for them. The premise is that all those for whom Christ has died are guilty, otherwise there would be nothing from which to save them. According to Augustine, the Palagian position implies that little ones do not benefit from the death of Christ. Similarly if the little ones are not affected by original sin, there is no need to baptize them since baptism provides remedies for sins. The grave consequence would be that they are excluded from the kingdom of God. “Why do you exclude from the kingdom of God so many images of God in little ones if they are not baptized, since they have done nothing evil?” In fact, if one denies the existence of original sin, one exposes little ones to serious harm. Consequently, Augustine asserts, it is not he who is cruel to infants (as the Pelagians alleged because of his view that little ones who died without being baptized were not saved) but the Pelagians themselves. Instead of leaving them in the power of the devil, Augustine exhorts his audience to :&lt;br&gt; speak for the babies all the more mercifully, the less they can do it for themselves. The Church habitually comes to the assistance of orphans in watching over their interests; let us all peak for the babies, all of us come to their assistance, lest they should lose their heavenly inheritance. It was for their sakes too that their Lord became a baby. How can they not be included in his liberation, seeing that they were the first who were found worthy to die for him? &lt;br&gt; In spite of his attempt to convince his readers that it is his own position that in the deepest sense takes care of little ones who die unbaptized, Augustine felt troubled by his conclusion. Early in the debate he speculated that they would suffer only “the mildest condemnation of all.” He does not discuss how a milder form of punishment might differ from a “normal” punishment, not does he return to this question in other writings. This may be because it is difficult to combine the idea of different levels of condemnation with his criticism of the Pelagians’ distinction between different levels of salvation for unbaptized infants. Given their position on the innocence of babies, the Pelgians asserted that babies are not to be baptized for the sake of obtaining salvation and eternal life, but for the kingdom of heaven. Against this position, Augustine argued that there is no intermediary place between the kingdom of heaven and eternal damnation.
** pp.101-102

* At one point Augustine wrote a letter to Jerome asking for advice on the possibility of combining belief in original sin with the creationist position he imputed to Jerome. Though what Augustine says is related to this particular position regarding the origin of the soul, the offense he felt at the view that little ones were condemned by God is apparent. “”What kind of justice is it that so many thousands of souls should be damned because they departed from their bodies by death in infancy, without the grace of the Christian sacrament . . . when He [God] certainly knew that each one of them by no fault of its own would leave the body without the baptism of Christ?” Jerome never answered. &lt;br&gt; Augustine explicitly states his uneasiness about his view in “Sermon 294’’. He admits that the question is profoundly difficult and recognized that his powers are not sufficient to get to the bottom of it . . . . I cannot find a satisfactory and worthy explanation; because I cannot find one.”” His interpretation of scripture led him to the conclusion that unbaptized babies go to damnation, and he felt obliged to maintain this. He could not “condemn divine authority” and quotes Romans 11:33-36 as he often does when he faces a question that goes beyond the limit of his reason: “Oh the depths of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of Go! How inscrutable are his judgments, and untraceable his ways!” Ultimately, the damnation of unbaptized children is a mystery, and therefore cannot be given a logical explanation. However, because Augustine was convinced that his view on this matter was in agreement with God’s revelation in the Holy Scriptures, he maintained it. Although he apparently felt that this doctrine was harsh, he never wavered from his view that little ones who died unbaptized were punished by god. 
** p.102

* In addition to theological arguments, Augustine refers to the practice of the church. Infants, like adults, underwent the ''exsufflatio'', a rite of exorcism conducted before the baptism took place. This implies that little ones, like adults, needed exorcism to be rescued from the darkness of the devil. “What does my exorcism work in that babe, if he be not held in the devil’s family?” Augustine asks rhetorically. His point is, of course, that infants are afflicted with original sin and need remission of sins through baptism in order to be reconciled with God. He also takes the crying and struggling of babies when they are baptized as an expression of their original sin. Due to their condition, they resist grace. He even takes the hurrying of mothers to church with their babies to baptize them as an argument that children need to be redeemed from the power of the devil. 
** pp.102-103

* We have seen that Augustine draws an ambiguous picture of childhood. On the one hand, he emphasizes that the child is from birth a sinner. Against the Pelagians, who asserted that the little ones are innocent with respect both to actual sins and to their nature, Augustine ascribed to infants an original sin inherited from Adam. In Augustine’s boyhood, this universal human condition is manifested in behavior and deeds that seek pleasures, renown, and truth in things that belong to the created world instead of in the Creator. In his adolescence, this was manifested by unrestrained sexual desire and by the committing of sin without the purpose of gain, illustrated by the theft of pears. Though the infant has not committed any personal sin, Augustine tends to take babies’ greed for the breast and their jealousy as manifestations of their sinful nature. It is hard for a modern reader to agree with his explanation and evaluation of children’s behavior. What we tend to regard as sign of development, Augustine takes as evidence of the sinful nature of the child. His view that assigns little ones who die unbaptized to eternal punishment also sounds harsh to modern readers, and might be invoked (as the Pelagaian did) as evidence of a hostile attitude towards children. &lt;br&gt; On the other hand, Augustine’s apparently negative view is balanced by an attitude that acknowledges the value of children, in whom Augustine finds that “everything is wonderful and worthy of praise.” Although this appraisal is related to the fact God has provided children with the gifts that enable them to seek and find him, so that they thus realize the ultimate purpose of life, it also reflects a striking recognition of the value of children. Likewise, the description of infants and children in his ‘’Confessions’’ reflects warm sympathy with how they experience life. Perhaps more importantly, Augustine’s deep concern about the salvation of children, for which baptism was a precondition, indicates that he regarded children as full and worthy religious beings who need to same spiritual nourishment as adults. However, I can find no connection between this expression of concern for the well0being of the child’s soul and the status and role of children in social life. &lt;br&gt; Furthermore Augustine considers children as subjects with responsibility for their moral behavior. He depicts an increasing accountability as they mature and their abilities to speak and to reason develop Because babies lack speech and the faculty of reason, there is no point for adults to rebuke them. But when they reach the age when they learn to speak and reason develops, the conditions for knowing and understanding what is right and wrong gradually emerge and children become increasingly responsible for their moral behavior. When children reach adolescence, their abilities to speak and reason are so developed that they are fully accountable for their deeds. Augustine assumes that children are capable of behaving according to his moral ideals, if they receive a proper Christian upbringing.
** pp.103-104

* Of all the church fathers, it is Augustine (354-430) who speaks most frequently of abortion and presents the most detailed discussions of the nature and status of the fetus. This is a fruit of his lifelong concern and theological wrestlings with the questions of the origin of the soul, and when and how the fetus  received a soul. He discusses a variety of solutions: (1) the soul is pre-existent (2) the soul is created by god at the moment of conception; (3) like the body, the soul comes from the parents; (4) the soul is infused at a particular stage in the development of the fetus. As I have mentioned in an earlier chapter, he never found a satisfactory solution to this question. He frequently makes a distinction between the unformed and the formed fetus; the latter term refers to the fetus which has received a soul. We find one example of this distinction in the treatise ‘’De Nuptiis et Concupiscientia’’, when Augustine condemns sexual intercourse detached from reproduction: “At times this lust-filled cruelty or cruel lust goes far that it even procured drugs to cause sterility, and if they are not effective, it somehow extinguishes and destroys within the womb the fetus already conceived, desiring that its own offspring perish before it begins to live. Or, if it was living in the womb, it desires that it be killed before it is born. Naturally, this distinction presupposed that the fetus receives a soul at one particular stage in its development; the consequence of this idea, which he shares with Jerome, is that only the abortion of a formed fetus that has a soul can be classified as murder. This becomes clear in the ‘’Questiones in Heptateuchum’’ 2.80, where Augustine refers to the Septuagint version of Exodus 21:2 and following and argues that the abortion of an unformed fetus is not murder, since one cannot say whether it already has a soul at that stage. Although the abortion even of an unformed fetus is morally reprehensible, the punishment for this act is limited to a fine. On the question whether the embryo is to be define as a part of the mother’’s body, Augustine breaks with Stoic thinking and Roman law, which affirmed that this was not the case.
** p.133

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
{{Wikisource author}}
{{commonscat|Augustinus}}
* [http://plato.stanford.edu/entries/augustine/ Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy entry]
* [http://www.catholicrevelations.com/category/saints/the-life-biography-of-st-augustine-of-hippo-saint-bishop-confessor-doctor-of-the-catholic-church.html The Life and Writings of St. Augustine of Hippo: Bishop &amp; Doctor of the Christian Church]
* [http://www9.georgetown.edu/faculty/jod/augustine/ Augustine of Hippo at Georgetown University]
* [http://staugustineofhippo.com/ St. Augustinus | Augustine of Hippo]
**[http://www.mrrena.com/august.shtml St. Augustine: Between Two Worlds]
**[http://personal2.stthomas.edu/gwschlabach/docs/jhy-aug.htm  Augustine and 'other catholics']
* [http://www.augnet.org/ Order of St Augustine]
* [http://www.orthodoxinfo.com/inquirers/bless_aug.aspx Blessed Augustine of Hippo: His Place in the Orthodox Church]
* [http://www.onelittleangel.com/wisdom/quotes/saint_augustine.asp Augustine of Hippo at One Little Angel]
;Works by Augustine
* {{gutenberg author|id=Augustine_of_Hippo|name=Augustine of Hippo}}
* [http://www.ccel.org/a/augustine/ St. Augustine at the Christian Classics Ethereal Library]
* [http://www.newadvent.org/fathers/ Several works by Augustine in English at New Advent]
*[http://www.philosophyarchive.com/text.php?era=400-499&amp;author=Augustine&amp;text=Confessions%20and%20Enchiridion%20Introduction ''The Confessions'' and ''The Enchiridion'']
*[http://www.augustinus.it Full latin and italian text resource]
* [http://www.thelatinlibrary.com/august.html Books and letters by Augustine in Latin, at &quot;The Latin Library]
* [http://ccat.sas.upenn.edu/jod/augustine/ Texts, translations, introductions, commentaries at UPENN]&lt;!-- link broken as of 4 august 2010 - gives 404 warning --&gt;
* [http://www.intratext.com/Catalogo/Autori/AUT31.HTM Aurelius Augustinus at IntraText Digital Library]
* [http://www.documentacatholicaomnia.eu/20_40_0354-0430-_Augustinus,_Sanctus.html Sanctus Augustinus at ''Documenta Catholica Omnia'']
* [http://www.doxologypress.org/theaudio/index.html City of God, Confessions, Enchiridion, Doctrine (audio books)]
* [http://www.earlychurch.org.uk/augustine.php Augustine of Hippo at EarlyChurch.org.uk – extensive bibliography and on-line articles]

{{Ancient Greek schools of philosophy}}
{{Social and political philosophers}}

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[[Category:5th century deaths]]
[[Category:Church Fathers]]
[[Category:Bishops]]
[[Category:Christian leaders]]
[[category:Church Fathers]]
[[Category:Mystics]]
[[Category:Existentialists]]
[[Category:Latin authors]]
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    <title>Predator (film)</title>
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      <text bytes="17732" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Predator logo.jpg|thumb|Soon the hunt will begin.]]
{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Predator (film)|Predator]]''''' is a [[w:1987 in film|1987 film]] about a team of commandos reunited in a Central American jungle for a rescue and extract mission, but the lurking secret of the jungle will leave the crew facing death from something never before seen on Earth. A [[Predator 2|sequel]] was produced and released in [[w:1990 in film|1990]].
:''Directed by [[w:John McTiernan|John McTiernan]].  Written by [[w:Jim Thomas|Jim Thomas]] and [[w:John Thomas|John Thomas]].''
&lt;center&gt;'''Nothing like it has ever been on earth before''' &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;&lt;/center&gt;

== Dialogue ==
:'''General''': Eighteen hours ago, we lost a chopper... Carrying a cabinet minister and his aide in this charming little country. We’ve got a transponder fixed on their position... ''[Pointing]'' About here.
:'''Dutch''': ... This cabinet minister, does he always travel on the wrong side of the border?
:'''General''': Apparently, they strayed off course. And we're fairly certain they're in guerrilla hands.
:'''Dutch''': So why don't you use the regular army? What do you need us for?
:'''Dillon''': 'Cause some damn fool accused you of being the best!
:'''Dutch''': ... Dillon!... You son of a bitch!
:''[Dillon and Dutch arm wrestle]''
:'''Dutch''': What's the matter? The CIA got you pushing too many pencils?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dillon''': Dutch, what the general is sayin' is a couple of our friends are about to get squeezed and we can't let that happen. We need the best. That's why you're here...
:'''Dutch''': Go on.
:'''Dillon''': Simple setup. One-day operation. We pick up their trail at the chopper, grab those hostages, and bounce back before anyone knows we were there.
:'''Dutch''': What do you mean, &quot;we&quot;?
:'''Dillon''': I'm goin' in with you, Dutch.
:'''Dutch''': General, my team always works alone. You know that.
:'''General''': I'm afraid we all have our orders, Major. Once you reach your objective, Dillon will evaluate the situation and take charge...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dutch''': What happened here, Billy?
:'''Billy''': Strange, Major. There was a firefight. They were shooting in all directions.
:'''Dutch''': I can't believe Hopper walked into an ambush.
:'''Billy''': I don't believe he did. I can't find a single track. It just doesn't make sense...
:'''Dutch''': What about the rest of Hopper's men?
:'''Billy''': There's no sign, sir. They never left here. It's like they just disappeared...
:'''Dutch''': ... Stick with the guerrilla trail. Let's get the hostages. ''[To the others]'' We move. Five-meter spread. No sound.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Poncho''': You're hit! You're bleeding, man.
:'''Blain''': I ain't got time to bleed.
:'''Poncho''': Oh, okay. ''[firing a few round from his parabolic grenade launcher]'' You got time to duck?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[after Dutch's team completes the assault on a rebel camp, he notices something amiss]''
:'''Dutch''': You set us up! ''[pushes Dillon to a wall]'' It's all bullshit, all of it! The cabinet minister, the whole business. Got us in here to do your dirty work.
:'''Dillon''': Look we just stopped a major invasion. In three days they'd have been across the border with this stuff!
:'''Dutch''': Why us?
:'''Dillon''': Because nobody else could've pulled it off. You're pissed about the cover story, I knew I couldn't get you in here without it.
:'''Dutch''': So what story did you hand to Hopper? 
:'''Dillon''': Look, we've been looking for this place for months. My men were in that chopper when it got hit! Hopper's orders were to go in and get my men and he disappeared.
:'''Dutch''': He didn't disappear - he was ''skinned alive!''
:'''Dillon''': And my orders were to get somebody who could crack these bastards!
:'''Dutch''': So you cooked up a story and dropped the six of us in a meat grinder...What happened to you, Dillon? You used to be somebody I could trust.
:'''Dillon''': I woke up. Why don't you? You're an asset. An expendable asset. And I used you to get the job done, got it? 
:'''Dutch''': My men are not expendable...and I don't do this kind of work.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dutch''': He's killing us one at a time.
:'''Billy''': Like a hunter...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dillon''': Hold it Dutch, I'm going after Mac!
:'''Dutch''': That's not your style, Dillon.
:'''Dillon''': I guess I picked up some bad habits from you, now get your people the hell out of here!
:'''Dutch''': You can't win this Dillon.
:'''Dillon''': Maybe I can get even...
:'''Dutch''': ... Dillon! ''[Throws him an extra weapon]''
:'''Dillon''':... Just hold on to that damn 'chopper.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dutch''': No more games.
:'''Anna''': ... I don't know what it was. It...
:'''Dutch''': Go on.
:'''Anna''': It changed colours, like the chameleon. It uses the jungle.
:'''Dillon''': You sayin' that Blain and Hawkins were killed by a fuckin' ''lizard?'' That's a bullshit psych job! There's two or three men out there at the most! Fuckin' lizard...!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Anna''': When the big man was killed, you must have wounded it. Its blood was on the leaves.
:'''Dutch''': If it bleeds, we can kill it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dutch''': What the hell ARE you?
:'''The Predator''': ''[distorted replay]'' What the hell are YOU? ''[activates self-destruct device. Dutch runs off into the jungle as the Predator laughs. Dutch jumps into a ditch seconds before detonation]''

==Taglines==
* Nothing like it has ever been on earth before.
* It came for the thrill of the hunt. It picked the wrong man to hunt.
* '''Soon the hunt will begin'''.
* ''[from trailer]'' In a part of the world where there are no rules, deep in the jungle where nothing that lives is safe, an elite rescue squad is being led by the ultimate warrior. But now, they're up against the ultimate enemy. Nothing like it has ever been on earth before. We cannot see it, but it sees the heat of our bodies and the heat of our fear. It kills for pleasure, it hunts for sport. But this time, it's picked the wrong man to hunt.

== About Predator ==
[[File:Predator_laser_dots.svg|thumb|Schwarzenegger and his team are, to say the least, very definite physical presences; the only force that could possibly threaten them would be their opposite, something airy and unseen. ~ Dave Kehr]]
[[File:Most_Dangerous_Game_poster.jpg|thumb|[[Echoes]], echoes, and more echoes … until all the [[machismo]] is hollow. Something telling is going on here, tonally. The final image of the sequence is the predator watching the heat fade out of the scorpion in its own palm. It's like the film is saying: there's always someone bigger. ~ Phil Hoad]]
[[File:Predator_letters.gif|thumb|I remember going to see it with my older brother who was a body builder and we saw every Arnold Schwarzenegger movie that came out and we went to see that one thinking it was a ''[[Commando (1985 film)|Commando]]'' type film and then it starts turning – I remember the audience reaction to the film in the theater, they were kinda confused when it turned sci-fi and horror and Arnold didn’t really win at the end, a Predator blows himself up and flies off looking like he’s going to a looney bin in a helicopter. And they were a little like “wow what was that movie?” ~ [[w:Robert Rodriguez|Robert Rodriguez]]]]
[[File:Morella_(combate-de-arquero.png|thumb|&quot;Predator&quot; is an ominous high-tech [[w:Stone Age|Stone-Age]] mixture--ominous because the production is high tech and the script, and its values and mentality, are Stone Age. ~ Michael Wilmington]]
*'''[[James Cameron]]''': I always wanted to see something with mandibles.
** John McTiernan, Kevin Peter Hall, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Joel Silver, John Davis, Jim Thomas, John Thomas (2001). If It Bleeds We Can Kill It: The Making of 'Predator' (Television program). AMC.

* One of the great science fiction horror films, often imitated, but never properly duplicated, not even by its own sequel.
** Cargill, C. Robert (August 2, 2007). &quot;The 10 Best Movies of 1987&quot;. Film.com. Retrieved April 23, 2010.

* There's something deeply [[hypocritical]] about a film that first establishes that its guerrillas are the evil variety by having one of them cold-bloodedly execute a hostage, then gives its squad of &quot;expendables&quot; free rein to cold-bloodedly murder all of them minutes later. It's the Reagan era all over: tobacco-chewing, tough-talking, US of A military triumphalism on one hand and self-pitying, bugle-salute sentimentalism on the other (when Bill Duke – giving the one thing in Predator that could actually be termed a performance – goes all misty-eyed over his microwaved buddy Ventura). &lt;br&gt; Most of the big 80s action directors displayed some ambivalence towards the mildly fascistic butt-kicking mores of their chosen form: James Cameron developed his My Little Pony eco side; Paul Verhoeven sharpened his satire. But the full mess and insincerity and dumb contradictions are there unapologetically in Predator, a piece of preening post-Vietnam powder-puff for the US ego. 
** Phil Hoad, [https://www.theguardian.com/film/filmblog/2011/nov/04/my-favourite-film-predator ”My favourite film: Predator”], ''The Guardian'', (4 Nov 2011). 

* I think Predator has odd moments of [[self-consciousness]] too. The one interesting (as opposed to efficient) piece of screenwriting is the scene after they've stormed the rebel encampment, when the alien hunter is watching the soldiers in infrared. Carl Weathers's CIA agent thanks Duke for skewering a deadly scorpion on his back; Duke's reply – &quot;Any time&quot; – is played back with menacing distortion by the predator, until it sounds like a warning. The [[radio]] operator (played by Lethal Weapon screenwriter Shane Black) tells a variation of the dirty joke he tried out in the helicopter, also concerning an echo. Landham finally gets it, and his booming laugh is picked up by the alien and played back, grotesquely. [[Echoes]], echoes, and more echoes … until all the [[machismo]] is hollow. Something telling is going on here, tonally. The final image of the sequence is the predator watching the heat fade out of the scorpion in its own palm. It's like the film is saying: there's always someone bigger.
** Phil Hoad, [https://www.theguardian.com/film/filmblog/2011/nov/04/my-favourite-film-predator ”My favourite film: Predator”], ''The Guardian'', (4 Nov 2011). 

* ''Predator'' presents a confused but not unsympathetic mix of genres: the in-your-face, shape-shifting horror of ''[[Alien|Alien (film)]]'' and the sweaty military mystique of ''[[Rambo]]'' and ''[[Top Gun]],'' with the whole salted by the [[camp]] [[humor]] and [[comic book]] [[heroics]] of the typical Arnold Schwarzenegger vehicle. It`s also, if only half-consciously, a [[w:Political allegory|political allegory]], with something unformed but urgent to say about U.S. involvement in [[Central America]]. 
** Dave Kehr, [https://www.chicagotribune.com/news/ct-xpm-1987-06-12-8702130334-story.html “`PREDATOR` LOSES ITS HUNT FOR HIGHER PURPOSE”], ''Chicago Tribune'', (June 12, 1987).

* McTiernan had a good idea in making his [[monster]] all but [[invisible]]. (through the film`s first hour, his presence is suggested only through a clever optical effect). Schwarzenegger and his team are, to say the least, very definite physical presences; the only force that could possibly threaten them would be their opposite, something airy and unseen. &lt;br&gt; McTiernan, regrettably, seems more interested in spectacle than suspense, and the attack sequences are filmed for splashy visual impact. And an apocalyptic finale that raises the antiwar message to the nuclear level is more than McTiernan`s metaphor can bear. But ''Predator'' remains, if not exactly a thinking man`s Arnold Schwarzenegger movie, at least an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie that reflects some thought.
** Dave Kehr, [https://www.chicagotribune.com/news/ct-xpm-1987-06-12-8702130334-story.html “`PREDATOR` LOSES ITS HUNT FOR HIGHER PURPOSE”], ''Chicago Tribune'', (June 12, 1987).

* In the context of racially charged white anxieties about immigration and social order, the historical demonization of Black men is a trope, a stereotype, that easily maps onto cinematic typecasting. The 1987 Hollywood film that launched the Predator franchise fits this pattern.  &lt;br&gt; Predator depicted a Black, dreadlocked, large and super-virile male in a way that converged white art with white political history. A white man once said he thought it was cool that I had dreadlocks like the Predator. This is not a compliment.
** Tamari Kitossa, [https://theconversation.com/how-hollywoods-alien-and-predator-movies-reinforce-anti-black-racism-127088 “How Hollywood’s ‘Alien’ and ‘Predator’ movies reinforce anti-Black racism”], ''The Conversation'', (August 16, 2020)

* ''PREDATOR'' starts out as a second cousin to ''[[Rambo]]'' and ''[[w:Missing in Action (film)|Missing in Action]],'' with Arnold Schwarzenegger (as Maj. Dutch Schaefer) leading a covert mission to find military operatives missing in [[Latin America]]. After 45 long minutes, he and his cohorts (among them Carl Weathers) find an enemy camp and conduct a raid. ''Knock, knock,'' says Mr. Schwarzenegger, kicking down the door to a hut. ''Stick around,'' he says, running somebody through with a sword.
** Janet Maslin, [https://www.nytimes.com/1987/06/12/movies/schwarzenegger-in-predator.html “SCHWARZENEGGER IN 'PREDATOR'”], ''New York Times'', (JUNE 12, 1987).

* ''Predator,'' which opens today at the National and other theaters, is alternately grisly and dull, with few surprises, though the creature's face, when finally revealed, has an interesting claw configuration where its mouth ought to be. The habitat is a good deal more interesting than the action, since it contains both floristy-looking palm fronds and large, deciduous trees that have produced some autumn leaves. The film was shot in [[Mexico]].
** Janet Maslin, [https://www.nytimes.com/1987/06/12/movies/schwarzenegger-in-predator.html “SCHWARZENEGGER IN 'PREDATOR'”], ''New York Times'', (JUNE 12, 1987).

* Grisly and dull, with few surprises.
** Mitchell, Elvis (June 12, 1987). &quot;The New York Times Review: Predator&quot;. The New York Times. p.&amp;nbsp;C6.

* Yeah, I think there’s something very unique about that movie. For one, the movie itself is something that inspired me to do mixed genre pictures later. I remember going to see it with my older brother who was a body builder and we saw every Arnold Schwarzenegger movie that came out and we went to see that one thinking it was a ''[[Commando (1985 film)|Commando]]'' type film and then it starts turning – I remember the audience reaction to the film in the theater, they were kinda confused when it turned sci-fi and horror and Arnold didn’t really win at the end, a Predator blows himself up and flies off looking like he’s going to a looney bin in a helicopter. And they were a little like “wow what was that movie?” And it just caught on and kept growing in popularity. And the movie itself was very unique. 
** [[w:Robert Rodriguez|Robert Rodriguez]], [http://collider.com/predators-robert-rodriguez-nimrod-antal-interview-adrien-brody-laurence-fishburne-topher-grace/ &quot;PREDATORS Interview: Director Nimrod Antal and Producer Robert Rodriguez&quot;], Jake Lasker, ''Collider'', 1 July 2010

* Slightly above-average actioner that tries to compensate for tissue-thin-plot with ever-more-grisly death sequences and impressive special effects.
** &quot;Predator Review&quot;. ''Variety''. January 1, 1987. Retrieved May 4, 2009.

* &quot;Predator&quot; is an ominous high-tech [[w:Stone Age|Stone-Age]] mixture--ominous because the production is high tech and the script, and its values and mentality, are Stone Age. It's in the bare-bones action-adventure mode that producers Joel Silver and Lawrence Gordon used in &quot;The Warriors&quot; and &quot;The Driver,&quot; chic action-fables where nothing impedes the streamlined flow--neither logic, originality nor a single naturalistic moment. Sometimes the form works, but in &quot;Predator,&quot; they've hit nada. There's a difference between Walter Hill's minimalism and vacuity--which is what we get from Jim and John Thomas' screenplay. It's arguably one of the emptiest, feeblest, most derivative scripts ever made as a major studio movie. There's no need to do a Mad magazine movie parody of this; it's already on the screen.
** Michael Wilmington, [https://www.latimes.com/archives/la-xpm-1987-06-12-ca-4018-story.html“MOVIE REVIEW : SCHWARZENEGGER VS. ALIEN IN 'PREDATOR'”], ''Los Angeles Times'', (June 12 1987).

==Cast==
* [[Arnold Schwarzenegger]] - Major 'Dutch' Schaeffer
* [[w:Carl Weathers|Carl Weathers]] - Agent George Dillon
* [[w:Elpidia Carrillo|Elpidia Carrillo]] - Anna
* [[w:Bill Duke|Bill Duke]] - Sergeant 'Mac' Eliot
* [[Jesse Ventura]] - Blain Cooper
* [[w:Sonny Landham|Sonny Landham]] - Billy
* [[w:Richard Chaves|Richard Chaves]] - Poncho
* [[Shane Black]] - Hawkins
* [[w:RG Armstrong|RG Armstrong]] - General Phillips
* [[w:Kevin Peter Hall|Kevin Peter Hall]] - Predator

== See also ==
*''[[Predator 2]]'' (1990)
*''[[Predators (film)|Predators]]'' (2010)
*''[[Alien vs. Predator (film)|Alien vs. Predator]]'' (2004)
*''[[Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem]]'' (2007)

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Predator (film)}}
*[http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093773/ ''Predator''] on IMDb.
*[http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/predator/ ''Predator''] at Rotten Tomatoes

[[Category:Predator (franchise)]]
[[Category:Action films]]
[[Category:Science fiction horror films]]
[[Category:1987 films]]
[[Category:Films set in jungles]]
[[Category:Extraterrestrial life films]]</text>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-12T00:05:38Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2A00:23C7:8583:BA01:ADEB:F22F:AE73:E043</ip>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="18514" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Predator logo.jpg|thumb|Soon the hunt will begin.]]
{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Predator (film)|Predator]]''''' is a [[w:1987 in film|1987 film]] about a team of commandos reunited in a Central American jungle for a rescue and extract mission, but the lurking secret of the jungle will leave the crew facing death from something never before seen on Earth. A [[Predator 2|sequel]] was produced and released in [[w:1990 in film|1990]].
:''Directed by [[w:John McTiernan|John McTiernan]].  Written by [[w:Jim Thomas|Jim Thomas]] and [[w:John Thomas|John Thomas]].''
&lt;center&gt;'''Nothing like it has ever been on earth before''' &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;&lt;/center&gt;

== Dialogue ==
:'''General''': Eighteen hours ago, we lost a chopper... Carrying a cabinet minister and his aide in this charming little country. We’ve got a transponder fixed on their position... ''[Pointing]'' About here.
:'''Dutch''': ... This cabinet minister, does he always travel on the wrong side of the border?
:'''General''': Apparently, they strayed off course. And we're fairly certain they're in guerrilla hands.
:'''Dutch''': So why don't you use the regular army? What do you need us for?
:'''Dillon''': 'Cause some damn fool accused you of being the best!
:'''Dutch''': ... Dillon!... You son of a bitch!
:''[Dillon and Dutch arm wrestle]''
:'''Dutch''': What's the matter? The CIA got you pushing too many pencils?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dillon''': Dutch, what the general is sayin' is a couple of our friends are about to get squeezed and we can't let that happen. We need the best. That's why you're here...
:'''Dutch''': Go on.
:'''Dillon''': Simple setup. One-day operation. We pick up their trail at the chopper, grab those hostages, and bounce back before anyone knows we were there.
:'''Dutch''': What do you mean, &quot;we&quot;?
:'''Dillon''': I'm goin' in with you, Dutch.
:'''Dutch''': General, my team always works alone. You know that.
:'''General''': I'm afraid we all have our orders, Major. Once you reach your objective, Dillon will evaluate the situation and take charge...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dutch''': What happened here, Billy?
:'''Billy''': Strange, Major. There was a firefight. They were shooting in all directions.
:'''Dutch''': I can't believe Hopper walked into an ambush.
:'''Billy''': I don't believe he did. I can't find a single track. It just doesn't make sense...
:'''Dutch''': What about the rest of Hopper's men?
:'''Billy''': There's no sign, sir. They never left here. It's like they just disappeared...
:'''Dutch''': ... Stick with the guerrilla trail. Let's get the hostages. ''[To the others]'' We move. Five-meter spread. No sound.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Poncho''': You're hit! You're bleeding, man.
:'''Blain''': I ain't got time to bleed.
:'''Poncho''': Oh, okay. ''[firing a few round from his parabolic grenade launcher]'' You got time to duck?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[after Dutch's team completes the assault on a rebel camp, he notices something amiss]''
:'''Dutch''': You set us up! ''[pushes Dillon to a wall]'' It's all bullshit, all of it! The cabinet minister, the whole business. Got us in here to do your dirty work.
:'''Dillon''': Look we just stopped a major invasion. In three days they'd have been across the border with this stuff!
:'''Dutch''': Why us?
:'''Dillon''': Because nobody else could've pulled it off. You're pissed about the cover story, I knew I couldn't get you in here without it.
:'''Dutch''': So what story did you hand to Hopper? 
:'''Dillon''': Look, we've been looking for this place for months. My men were in that chopper when it got hit! Hopper's orders were to go in and get my men and he disappeared.
:'''Dutch''': He didn't disappear - he was ''skinned alive!''
:'''Dillon''': And my orders were to get somebody who could crack these bastards!
:'''Dutch''': So you cooked up a story and dropped the six of us in a meat grinder...What happened to you, Dillon? You used to be somebody I could trust.
:'''Dillon''': I woke up. Why don't you? You're an asset. An expendable asset. And I used you to get the job done, got it? 
:'''Dutch''': My men are not expendable...and I don't do this kind of work.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dutch''': He's killing us one at a time.
:'''Billy''': Like a hunter...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dillon''': Hold it Dutch, I'm going after Mac!
:'''Dutch''': That's not your style, Dillon.
:'''Dillon''': I guess I picked up some bad habits from you, now get your people the hell out of here!
:'''Dutch''': You can't win this Dillon.
:'''Dillon''': Maybe I can get even...
:'''Dutch''': ... Dillon! ''[Throws him an extra weapon]''
:'''Dillon''':... Just hold on to that damn 'chopper.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dutch''': He's using the trees... ''[approaches and grabs Anna]'' Yesterday - what did you see?
:'''Dillon''': You're wasting your time.
:'''Dutch''': No more games.
:'''Anna''': ... I don't know what it was. It...
:'''Dutch''': Go on.
:'''Anna''': It changed colours, like the chameleon. It uses the jungle.
:'''Dillon''': You sayin' that Blain and Hawkins were killed by a fuckin' ''lizard?'' That's a bullshit psych job! There's two or three men out there at the most! Fuckin' lizard...!
:'''Dutch''': What's your name?
:'''Anna''': Anna.
:'''Dutch''': ''[draws his knife]'' Anna... this thing is hunting us. ''All'' of us. You know that. 
:''[As Anna nods, Dutch cuts her bonds, freeing her hands]''
:'''Dillon''': What the hell do you think you're you doing?
:'''Dutch''': We're gonna need everyone.
:'''Dillon''': I'm taking her back! We're out of here in five minutes.
:'''Dutch''': We're not going yet.
:'''Dillon''': Look, the rendezvous is ten to twelve miles away from here; you think the chopper's gonna wait?
:'''Dutch''': Dillon, we make a stand ''now,'' or there will be nobody ''left'' to go to the chopper.
:'''Anna''': There is something else... When the big man was killed, you must have wounded it. Its blood was on the leaves.
:'''Dutch''': If it bleeds, we can kill it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dutch''': What the hell ARE you?
:'''The Predator''': ''[distorted replay]'' What the hell are YOU? ''[activates self-destruct device. Dutch runs off into the jungle as the Predator laughs. Dutch jumps into a ditch seconds before detonation]''

==Taglines==
* Nothing like it has ever been on earth before.
* It came for the thrill of the hunt. It picked the wrong man to hunt.
* '''Soon the hunt will begin'''.
* ''[from trailer]'' In a part of the world where there are no rules, deep in the jungle where nothing that lives is safe, an elite rescue squad is being led by the ultimate warrior. But now, they're up against the ultimate enemy. Nothing like it has ever been on earth before. We cannot see it, but it sees the heat of our bodies and the heat of our fear. It kills for pleasure, it hunts for sport. But this time, it's picked the wrong man to hunt.

== About Predator ==
[[File:Predator_laser_dots.svg|thumb|Schwarzenegger and his team are, to say the least, very definite physical presences; the only force that could possibly threaten them would be their opposite, something airy and unseen. ~ Dave Kehr]]
[[File:Most_Dangerous_Game_poster.jpg|thumb|[[Echoes]], echoes, and more echoes … until all the [[machismo]] is hollow. Something telling is going on here, tonally. The final image of the sequence is the predator watching the heat fade out of the scorpion in its own palm. It's like the film is saying: there's always someone bigger. ~ Phil Hoad]]
[[File:Predator_letters.gif|thumb|I remember going to see it with my older brother who was a body builder and we saw every Arnold Schwarzenegger movie that came out and we went to see that one thinking it was a ''[[Commando (1985 film)|Commando]]'' type film and then it starts turning – I remember the audience reaction to the film in the theater, they were kinda confused when it turned sci-fi and horror and Arnold didn’t really win at the end, a Predator blows himself up and flies off looking like he’s going to a looney bin in a helicopter. And they were a little like “wow what was that movie?” ~ [[w:Robert Rodriguez|Robert Rodriguez]]]]
[[File:Morella_(combate-de-arquero.png|thumb|&quot;Predator&quot; is an ominous high-tech [[w:Stone Age|Stone-Age]] mixture--ominous because the production is high tech and the script, and its values and mentality, are Stone Age. ~ Michael Wilmington]]
*'''[[James Cameron]]''': I always wanted to see something with mandibles.
** John McTiernan, Kevin Peter Hall, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Joel Silver, John Davis, Jim Thomas, John Thomas (2001). If It Bleeds We Can Kill It: The Making of 'Predator' (Television program). AMC.

* One of the great science fiction horror films, often imitated, but never properly duplicated, not even by its own sequel.
** Cargill, C. Robert (August 2, 2007). &quot;The 10 Best Movies of 1987&quot;. Film.com. Retrieved April 23, 2010.

* There's something deeply [[hypocritical]] about a film that first establishes that its guerrillas are the evil variety by having one of them cold-bloodedly execute a hostage, then gives its squad of &quot;expendables&quot; free rein to cold-bloodedly murder all of them minutes later. It's the Reagan era all over: tobacco-chewing, tough-talking, US of A military triumphalism on one hand and self-pitying, bugle-salute sentimentalism on the other (when Bill Duke – giving the one thing in Predator that could actually be termed a performance – goes all misty-eyed over his microwaved buddy Ventura). &lt;br&gt; Most of the big 80s action directors displayed some ambivalence towards the mildly fascistic butt-kicking mores of their chosen form: James Cameron developed his My Little Pony eco side; Paul Verhoeven sharpened his satire. But the full mess and insincerity and dumb contradictions are there unapologetically in Predator, a piece of preening post-Vietnam powder-puff for the US ego. 
** Phil Hoad, [https://www.theguardian.com/film/filmblog/2011/nov/04/my-favourite-film-predator ”My favourite film: Predator”], ''The Guardian'', (4 Nov 2011). 

* I think Predator has odd moments of [[self-consciousness]] too. The one interesting (as opposed to efficient) piece of screenwriting is the scene after they've stormed the rebel encampment, when the alien hunter is watching the soldiers in infrared. Carl Weathers's CIA agent thanks Duke for skewering a deadly scorpion on his back; Duke's reply – &quot;Any time&quot; – is played back with menacing distortion by the predator, until it sounds like a warning. The [[radio]] operator (played by Lethal Weapon screenwriter Shane Black) tells a variation of the dirty joke he tried out in the helicopter, also concerning an echo. Landham finally gets it, and his booming laugh is picked up by the alien and played back, grotesquely. [[Echoes]], echoes, and more echoes … until all the [[machismo]] is hollow. Something telling is going on here, tonally. The final image of the sequence is the predator watching the heat fade out of the scorpion in its own palm. It's like the film is saying: there's always someone bigger.
** Phil Hoad, [https://www.theguardian.com/film/filmblog/2011/nov/04/my-favourite-film-predator ”My favourite film: Predator”], ''The Guardian'', (4 Nov 2011). 

* ''Predator'' presents a confused but not unsympathetic mix of genres: the in-your-face, shape-shifting horror of ''[[Alien|Alien (film)]]'' and the sweaty military mystique of ''[[Rambo]]'' and ''[[Top Gun]],'' with the whole salted by the [[camp]] [[humor]] and [[comic book]] [[heroics]] of the typical Arnold Schwarzenegger vehicle. It`s also, if only half-consciously, a [[w:Political allegory|political allegory]], with something unformed but urgent to say about U.S. involvement in [[Central America]]. 
** Dave Kehr, [https://www.chicagotribune.com/news/ct-xpm-1987-06-12-8702130334-story.html “`PREDATOR` LOSES ITS HUNT FOR HIGHER PURPOSE”], ''Chicago Tribune'', (June 12, 1987).

* McTiernan had a good idea in making his [[monster]] all but [[invisible]]. (through the film`s first hour, his presence is suggested only through a clever optical effect). Schwarzenegger and his team are, to say the least, very definite physical presences; the only force that could possibly threaten them would be their opposite, something airy and unseen. &lt;br&gt; McTiernan, regrettably, seems more interested in spectacle than suspense, and the attack sequences are filmed for splashy visual impact. And an apocalyptic finale that raises the antiwar message to the nuclear level is more than McTiernan`s metaphor can bear. But ''Predator'' remains, if not exactly a thinking man`s Arnold Schwarzenegger movie, at least an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie that reflects some thought.
** Dave Kehr, [https://www.chicagotribune.com/news/ct-xpm-1987-06-12-8702130334-story.html “`PREDATOR` LOSES ITS HUNT FOR HIGHER PURPOSE”], ''Chicago Tribune'', (June 12, 1987).

* In the context of racially charged white anxieties about immigration and social order, the historical demonization of Black men is a trope, a stereotype, that easily maps onto cinematic typecasting. The 1987 Hollywood film that launched the Predator franchise fits this pattern.  &lt;br&gt; Predator depicted a Black, dreadlocked, large and super-virile male in a way that converged white art with white political history. A white man once said he thought it was cool that I had dreadlocks like the Predator. This is not a compliment.
** Tamari Kitossa, [https://theconversation.com/how-hollywoods-alien-and-predator-movies-reinforce-anti-black-racism-127088 “How Hollywood’s ‘Alien’ and ‘Predator’ movies reinforce anti-Black racism”], ''The Conversation'', (August 16, 2020)

* ''PREDATOR'' starts out as a second cousin to ''[[Rambo]]'' and ''[[w:Missing in Action (film)|Missing in Action]],'' with Arnold Schwarzenegger (as Maj. Dutch Schaefer) leading a covert mission to find military operatives missing in [[Latin America]]. After 45 long minutes, he and his cohorts (among them Carl Weathers) find an enemy camp and conduct a raid. ''Knock, knock,'' says Mr. Schwarzenegger, kicking down the door to a hut. ''Stick around,'' he says, running somebody through with a sword.
** Janet Maslin, [https://www.nytimes.com/1987/06/12/movies/schwarzenegger-in-predator.html “SCHWARZENEGGER IN 'PREDATOR'”], ''New York Times'', (JUNE 12, 1987).

* ''Predator,'' which opens today at the National and other theaters, is alternately grisly and dull, with few surprises, though the creature's face, when finally revealed, has an interesting claw configuration where its mouth ought to be. The habitat is a good deal more interesting than the action, since it contains both floristy-looking palm fronds and large, deciduous trees that have produced some autumn leaves. The film was shot in [[Mexico]].
** Janet Maslin, [https://www.nytimes.com/1987/06/12/movies/schwarzenegger-in-predator.html “SCHWARZENEGGER IN 'PREDATOR'”], ''New York Times'', (JUNE 12, 1987).

* Grisly and dull, with few surprises.
** Mitchell, Elvis (June 12, 1987). &quot;The New York Times Review: Predator&quot;. The New York Times. p.&amp;nbsp;C6.

* Yeah, I think there’s something very unique about that movie. For one, the movie itself is something that inspired me to do mixed genre pictures later. I remember going to see it with my older brother who was a body builder and we saw every Arnold Schwarzenegger movie that came out and we went to see that one thinking it was a ''[[Commando (1985 film)|Commando]]'' type film and then it starts turning – I remember the audience reaction to the film in the theater, they were kinda confused when it turned sci-fi and horror and Arnold didn’t really win at the end, a Predator blows himself up and flies off looking like he’s going to a looney bin in a helicopter. And they were a little like “wow what was that movie?” And it just caught on and kept growing in popularity. And the movie itself was very unique. 
** [[w:Robert Rodriguez|Robert Rodriguez]], [http://collider.com/predators-robert-rodriguez-nimrod-antal-interview-adrien-brody-laurence-fishburne-topher-grace/ &quot;PREDATORS Interview: Director Nimrod Antal and Producer Robert Rodriguez&quot;], Jake Lasker, ''Collider'', 1 July 2010

* Slightly above-average actioner that tries to compensate for tissue-thin-plot with ever-more-grisly death sequences and impressive special effects.
** &quot;Predator Review&quot;. ''Variety''. January 1, 1987. Retrieved May 4, 2009.

* &quot;Predator&quot; is an ominous high-tech [[w:Stone Age|Stone-Age]] mixture--ominous because the production is high tech and the script, and its values and mentality, are Stone Age. It's in the bare-bones action-adventure mode that producers Joel Silver and Lawrence Gordon used in &quot;The Warriors&quot; and &quot;The Driver,&quot; chic action-fables where nothing impedes the streamlined flow--neither logic, originality nor a single naturalistic moment. Sometimes the form works, but in &quot;Predator,&quot; they've hit nada. There's a difference between Walter Hill's minimalism and vacuity--which is what we get from Jim and John Thomas' screenplay. It's arguably one of the emptiest, feeblest, most derivative scripts ever made as a major studio movie. There's no need to do a Mad magazine movie parody of this; it's already on the screen.
** Michael Wilmington, [https://www.latimes.com/archives/la-xpm-1987-06-12-ca-4018-story.html“MOVIE REVIEW : SCHWARZENEGGER VS. ALIEN IN 'PREDATOR'”], ''Los Angeles Times'', (June 12 1987).

==Cast==
* [[Arnold Schwarzenegger]] - Major 'Dutch' Schaeffer
* [[w:Carl Weathers|Carl Weathers]] - Agent George Dillon
* [[w:Elpidia Carrillo|Elpidia Carrillo]] - Anna
* [[w:Bill Duke|Bill Duke]] - Sergeant 'Mac' Eliot
* [[Jesse Ventura]] - Blain Cooper
* [[w:Sonny Landham|Sonny Landham]] - Billy
* [[w:Richard Chaves|Richard Chaves]] - Poncho
* [[Shane Black]] - Hawkins
* [[w:RG Armstrong|RG Armstrong]] - General Phillips
* [[w:Kevin Peter Hall|Kevin Peter Hall]] - Predator

== See also ==
*''[[Predator 2]]'' (1990)
*''[[Predators (film)|Predators]]'' (2010)
*''[[Alien vs. Predator (film)|Alien vs. Predator]]'' (2004)
*''[[Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem]]'' (2007)

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Predator (film)}}
*[http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093773/ ''Predator''] on IMDb.
*[http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/predator/ ''Predator''] at Rotten Tomatoes

[[Category:Predator (franchise)]]
[[Category:Action films]]
[[Category:Science fiction horror films]]
[[Category:1987 films]]
[[Category:Films set in jungles]]
[[Category:Extraterrestrial life films]]</text>
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    <title>The Muppet Show</title>
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    <id>4212</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153810</id>
      <parentid>3149317</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-12T04:19:00Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>173.70.206.72</ip>
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      <comment>/* Alice Cooper [3.07] */</comment>
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      <text bytes="60760" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:The Muppet Show|The Muppet Show]]''''' (1976–1981) was the brainchild of [[ Jim Henson]], and featured [[w:The Muppets|The Muppets]], a group of puppets and costumed characters. The general set up was a &quot;live&quot; variety show hosted by [[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]. Each episode featured several &quot;on stage&quot; sketches, usually starring the week's guest star, interspersed with backstage scenes.

==Season 1 (1976-1977)==

===[[w:Juliet Prowse|Juliet Prowse]]===
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': That's one of the reasons I always thought the Muppets are weird.
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Why is that?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': They think explosions are funny. Explosions aren't funny. ''[Statler's cigar explodes]'' ...Although, some of them are really quite droll.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ''[after Juliet called him &quot;the [[w:Robert Redford|Robert Redford]] of frogs&quot;]'' You're gonna be coming back on this show a LOT! I mean it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yeah, whadya think?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Beats sitting home watching television.
:'''[[w:Mah Nà Mah Nà|Mahna Mahna]]''': Mahna Mahna!

===[[w:Connie Stevens|Connie Stevens]]/[[w:Bert and Ernie|Bert and Ernie]] [1.02]===
:'''[[w:Bert and Ernie|Bert]]''': Ernie... did I make a complete fool of myself?
:'''[[w:Bert and Ernie|Ernie]]''': ''[patting Bert's shoulder]'' Absolutely, Bert.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Hm. Do you think this show is educational?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yes. It'll drive people to read books.

===[[Joel Grey]] [1.03]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Bug off? What kind of joke was that?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': That was no joke, Fozzie.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': That was my wife!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': More! More!
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': No, not so loud: they may hear you!

===[[w:Ruth Buzzi|Ruth Buzzi]] [1.04]===
:'''Robot Kermit''': Hey, listen, how about you, and me getting together, and making some ''steam'' heat. Huh, snuggle bunny?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Snuggle bunny? Why, uh...
:'''Robot Kermit''': Yeah. Look, let me take you away from all this. Ah, a marriage made in heaven! A frog and a pig. And we can have bouncing baby figs!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well, did you like the show?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': No I didn't. No I didn't. No I didn't.

===[[Rita Moreno]] [1.05]===
:'''Dancer''': I hear you come from a broken home.
:'''[[w:Animal (muppet)|Animal]]''': Yeah, I broke it myself!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yes, uh, well, uhn-huh. I still couldn't find the chewing gum.

===[[w:Jim Nabors|Jim Nabors]] [1.06]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Your salary is 20 a week.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Could you make it 25?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Are you kidding? I can't afford it!
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Gee, my uncle will be really disappointed.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': How about 30?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Pay up, they made it through another one.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Double or nothing on next week's show?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': You're on.

===[[w:Florence Henderson|Florence Henderson]] [1.07]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Can we get back to the subject at hand... Florence?
:'''[[w:Florence Henderson|Florence]]''': Well, there's no question in my mind!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ''[after a pause]'' As to what?
:'''[[w:Florence Henderson|Florence]]''': Nothing! There's no question in my mind! Ha ha! No answers either.

===[[Paul Williams (songwriter)|Paul Williams]] [1.08]===
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Janice]]''': That man is annoying me.
:'''[[w:Zoot (muppet)|Zoot]]''': He isn't even looking at you.
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Janice]]''': That's what's annoying me.

===[[w:Charles Aznavour|Charles Aznavour]] [1.09]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, Kermit, are you busy?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Yes, Gonzo, but I can give you my ear for a minute.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': What would I do with your ear?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ''[exasperated]'' Van Gogh impressions.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gonzo''': You'll all see because there's only one Great Gonzo, only one!
:'''Kermit''': Thank goodness for that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr Bob]]''': This is D for Doc B for Bob saying turn off the Joy Juice ''[laughs then puts gas mask to his left ear]'' Hmm? ''[speaks into it]'' Ten-Roger, OK where were we? Pulse?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': ''[checks pulse and gasps]'' No pulse, Dr. Bob.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr Bob]]''': Hmmm, Heartbeat?
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Nurse Janice]]''': ''[checks heartbeat]'' No heartbeat, Dr. Bob.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr Bob]]''': No pulse, no heartbeat, no use. He's gone!
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Nurse Janice]]''': And Dr Bob your record was so good, you saved nine out of ten.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr Bob]]''': My record is still good, this week he was ten.
:'''Announcer''': And so Dr Bob's record is still good, it is top on the medical fame, with a bullet, tune in next when we will hear nurse Piggy say...
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': I hope nobody hears about this Dr. Bob.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr Bob]]''': At least ''he'' won't say anything, hahaha!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': I get it! haha! I get it! (laughs with him)

===[[w:Harvey Korman|Harvey Korman]] [1.10]===
:'''[[w:Harvey Korman|Harvey Korman]]''': ''[as Maurice the Magnificent]'' Speak. Speak you demon, SPEAK!
:'''Thog''': ''[gulps]'' I hardly know where to begin.

===[[Lena Horne]] [1.11]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well, Piggy, sometimes, the truth hurts.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Hurt? I'll show you hurt! HAI-YA! ''[karate-chops Kermit]''

===[[Peter Ustinov]] [1.12]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Okay, okay, good bit, good bit, good ending, and sorry about the head.

===[[w:Bruce Forsyth|Bruce Forsyth]] [1.13]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': My cousin is ''so'' dumb, he thinks eggs Benedict is a Mafia gangster!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I've seen ''cheeseburgers'' funnier than that!

===[[w:Sandy Duncan|Sandy Duncan]] [1.14]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ...and so, that means our show tonight will be a real bang up affar-
:'''[[w:Crazy Harry|Crazy Harry]]''': Did somebody say bang?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, no. ''[Gets blown into Statler and Waldorf's box]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Would you lend me a fiver till pay day? I gotta pay my writer, the legendary 'Gags' Beasley.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': The legendary 'Gags' comes pretty cheap, doesn't he?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Well, we worked out a great deal.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': You pay him by the line?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': No, I pay him by the laugh.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh, then he owes you money.

===[[w:Candice Bergen|Candice Bergen]] [1.15]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Kermit, dear, did you know that every time we have a beautiful girl on this show, you forget about me?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Yeah, well, we could have a seal act on this show, Piggy, and I might forget about you.

===[[w:Avery Schreiber|Avery Schreiber]] [1.16]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Bunsen Honeydew|Dr. Bunsen Honeydew]]''': Think of the safety. Think of the sense of well-being. And, at last, your family can be protected from the heartbreak of gorilla invasion.

===[[w:Ben Vereen|Ben Vereen]] [1.17]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': It's too late, Dr. Bob. We've lost him.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Doctor Bob]]''': Well, he couldn't have gone so far. He was under the sheet just a second ago.

===[[w:Phyllis Diller|Phyllis Diller]] [1.18]===
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Rowlf the Dog]]''': You think that's bad? For the first three months of my life there was a newspaper strike!

===[[Vincent Price]] [1.19]===
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': If you are like me, and you certainly must be, you are appalled and shocked at the weird, unnatural things going on tonight.

:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': This go-fer's about to become a gone-fer.

===[[w:Valerie Harper|Valerie Harper]] [1.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': That was great! And, you are just wonderful, Valerie! I tell you, you are going out on that stage a star, but you are gonna be coming back a chorus girl, right?

===[[Twiggy]] [1.21]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': I – I was just in my star's dressing room, and I saw the most ghoulish, fiendish-looking face in the closet!
:'''Hilda''': That was me, clown! And I was hanging up the wardrobe.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Uncle Deadly''': I swore I would never perform here again, nor would anyone else. I will drive you all from this theatre. LEAVE OR BE DOOOOOOOOOMED! ''[He switches to a normal voice]'' Which way do I exit?

===[[Ethel Merman]] [1.22]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[giving Ethel roses]'' Miss Merman, from all of us, to you.
:'''[[Ethel Merman|Ethel]]''': Oh, how kind of you, Miss Piggy...they won't explode, will they?

===[[w:Kaye Ballard|Kaye Ballard]] [1.23]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Me and the gang have decided not to end our gig here.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh, good!
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': ''If''...
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh-huh? If what?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': If I can write the new theme song.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh! Oh, that'll be fine with me.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': No, it won't, man.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, why not?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': You'll hate my music! You won't understand it!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well, now listen here. I-I'm pretty hip too, you know.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Not hip enough. Nobody understands my music. I mean, I don't even understand it.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': You don't?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': If I didn't know I was a genius, I wouldn't listen to the trash I write.

===[[w:Mummenschanz|Mummenschanz]] [1.24]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': ''[singing while following Miss Piggy]'' She kissed me! She put her arms around me and she kissed me!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[humiliated]'' It was that case of the mistaken identity!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hug me, Miss Piggy! Hold me!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': I will not hug you, you...twit turkey!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh, hold my hand, pig-of-my-dreams!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Will you beat it, twerp?!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Just touch me, oh, hog-of-my-heart!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Here's a touch for you, wimp-buzzard!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': I'm ready!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': HAI-YA! ''[karate-chops Gonzo, and leaves]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': ''[singing dazed]'' She touched me...She swung her porky pinkies and she touched me! ''[faints]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': [[w:Miss Piggy|Piggy]], while I appreciate this offer of affection, I hope you will understand when I tell you, as usual, that I do not want you.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh, then can I have her?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': HAI-YA! ''[standing between Kermit and Gonzo, she karate-chops both of them, one with each hand]'' That is known as getting two turkeys with one chop.

==Season 2 (1977-1978)==

===[[w:Don Knotts|Don Knotts]] [2.01]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I know what is wrong, with this show, it's the theater!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': What's wrong with it?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': The seats face the stage!

===[[Zero Mostel]] [2.02]===
:'''[[Zero Mostel|Zero]]''': I am not in my dressing room, eating! I am in my dressing room, being eaten!
----
:'''Sam the Eagle''': I think you know why I am here.
:'''Kermit the Frog''': Uh, actually, Sam, to tell you the truth, I've never known why you're here.

===[[Milton Berle]] [2.03]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': Funny, Funny, FUNNY!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Uh-Huh! Uh-Huh! I heard about them before, it's beginning. You're the two guys that I heard about that heckle from the box, huh? There they are ladies and gentlemen. Take a good look at them. Starski &amp; Crutch. Now don't start with me boys, don't start...
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Hey, Berle!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': What?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You know what? I've just figured out your style.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Really?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You work like [[w:Gregory Peck|Gregory Peck]].
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Gregory Peck's not a comedian.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Now just a minute, please. I have been a successful comedian half of my life.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': How come we got this half?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Look, did you two come in here to be entertained or not?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': That's right.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': What's right?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We came in here to be entertained, and we're not!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, yeah? I'd like to see you come down here and be funny.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': You first!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': &quot;Ha, ha, ha&quot;, the audience! &quot;Ha, ha, ha&quot;! Don't pay any attention to him, folks. He's the ninth child of a family of eight! Let me tell the story.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Hey, hey, Berle!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Ohhh... Yeah, what is it? What is it?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You know what you're doing wrong?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': What'm I doing wrong?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You're standing too close to the audience.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, yeah? ''[steps back]'' How is this?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You're still too close.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, sorry. ''[steps back more]'' Is this okay?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': No, a little more.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': How far back do you want me to go?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You got a car?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Let me tell you something: If you don't stop, I'll have the usher throw you out!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': He can't. He's too busy.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Doing what?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Keeping people in!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': ''[to the audience]'' And you're encouraging them! That's what you're doing! ''[to Statler and Waldorf]'' You know, I got a good mind to punch you in your nose.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Please, not while I'm holding it.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': That's very funny.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Ah, you can use it.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': I don't need your material, pal. I got a million funny lines in the back of my head.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Yeah? How come they never reach your mouth?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, how's it going, Mr. Berle?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, I'm gonna start with you, now. &quot;How's it going?&quot; It's going terribly. It's going -- these guys have been picking on me, insulting me, ever since I started.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Well, could I help you out?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Please, huh?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Which way did you came in?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': ''[grabs Gonzo by the nose and pushes him aside]'' Get outta here! I've had it, I've had it! Here we go AGAIN!!

===[[w:Rich Little|Rich Little]] [2.04]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': A tap-dancing chicken act? Gonzo, I've never heard of anything as ridiculous as a dancing chicken.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': How about a talking frog?

===[[w:Judy Collins|Judy Collins]] [2.05]===
:'''J.P.''': ''[on the phone]'' Yeah, well, sell the hotel on Pennsylvania Avenue, buy all your railroads, and don't forget the 200 dollars, and let him go straight to jail.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[approaches the podium for the announcement]'' I just wanted to know that following that last piece of material, I am disassociating myself from this whole, weird, SICK show! ''[to somebody]'' What do I do? ''[leaves the podium]''

===[[w:Nancy Walker|Nancy Walker]] [2.06]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, Fozzie, what is on stage next?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': I don't know, what's on stage now?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Nothing.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': NOTHING'S ON STAGE?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Before we go, We will like to thank tonight's special guest star, Miss Nancy (ACHOOO!)
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Awww, you blew it, too. It's Nancy Walker.

===[[Edgar Bergen]] [2.07]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': You have to treat the chickens pretty well, because they've got a very tough union.

===[[Steve Martin]] [2.08]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[depressing]'' Thank you. And welcome to a very moment here on The Muppet Show. I am sorry but I got some bad news to tell you.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Maybe we came at last.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Maybe the show has been cancelled.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Tonight's show has been cancelled.
:''[Both Statler and Waldorf were shocked]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Have I died and gone to Heaven?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Well, you see, I just misread my calendar. The show has been cancelled tonight, because we are opening auditions for new acts. You are welcome to see it, but I don't think there will any excitements.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]:''' ''[to Kermit, off-screen]'' Should we stay or Should we go?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[to Statler and Waldorf]'' Why don't you two take the night off? ''[to the entire audience]'' Well, we might as well bring up the house lights and say good night to everybody.
:''[The audiences leaves in disappointment]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Listen, it's very healthy to see what other people in the field are doing. And it is an enriching experience.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Yeah.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Hey, Scooter, what's next?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Oh, it's a guy named Lenny the Lizard. And he's an emcee.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What the hey?

===[[Madeline Kahn]] [2.09]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Well, she's nothing like you at all. She is beautiful, and she's got this cute little nose... ''[sniffs]'' and she's intelligent... ''[sniffs]'' and talented...

===[[George Burns]] [2.10]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I'm sorry, but we don't allow any reporters backstage during the show.
:'''Fleet''': What a headline! Muppet's Bad Press: Reporter Thrown Out By A Frog!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Now, wait! On the other hand, can I offer you a cup of coffee?
:'''Fleet''': What a headline! Frog Bribes Reporter: Muppet's Desperate For Publicity!

===[[w:Dom DeLuise|Dom DeLuise]] [2.11]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I mean, you know, if you can afford to pay off the audience, and buy all those flowers, and the fur, and the mail, and all that stuff...

===[[w:Bernadette Peters|Bernadette Peters]] [2.12]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': ''[after Miss Mousey's number]'' Boo! Hiss! Terrible! I hated it!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Really? I kind of liked it.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well, the pig doesn't have you in a hammerlock! Boo!

===[[Rudolf Nureyev]] [2.13]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth|Dr. Teeth]]''': Hey, hey, what's this bummer called again?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Minuet in G Major.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth|Dr. Teeth]]''': Uh, we'll send it back in to the minors.

===[[Elton John]] [2.14]===
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': At least we could have brought a TV set. I'm missing all of my favorite bowling shows.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': You and your bowling shows! He cries at the sad parts.
:''[Alarm went off on the control deck]''
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': What does that red light mean?
:'''[[w:Dr. Julius Strangepork|Dr. Julius Strangepork]]''': Well, The red light means stop, The green light means go, and the yellow light means....
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': No! No! No! Not traffic light, That light on the control panel.
:'''[[w:Dr. Julius Strangepork|Dr. Julius Strangepork]]''': Oh, That light. Well, That means we are invaded by alien beings.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We're look like members of the rock age!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': We're look more like members of the Stone Age! ''[Both laugh]''

===[[w:Lou Rawls|Lou Rawls]] [2.15]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Oh, no, you couldn't take Animal on any long road trips, Lou.
:'''[[w:Lou Rawls|Lou]]''': Why not, man? The cat is good.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': No, you couldn't get a long enough chain!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Fozzie has fallen off the stage]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': He was doing okay until he fell off the stage.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Wrong. He was doing okay until he ''came on'' the stage.

===[[w:Cleo Laine|Cleo Laine]] [2.16]===
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': First Mate Miss Piggy.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Er, yes, sir!
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': Did you shave this morning?

===[[Julie Andrews]] [2.17]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': ''[to the cow]'' Wow, you have got a great pair of legs! In fact, she's got two great pairs of legs!

===[[w:Jaye P. Morgan|Jaye P. Morgan]] [2.18]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I can't tell you what a thrill it is to have you on this show.
:'''[[w:Jaye P. Morgan|Jaye P.]]''': Oh, thank you, Kermit. Nice of you to say so. I'd like to say I'm really indifferent about being here.

===[[Peter Sellers]] [2.19]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Kermit! Kermit! Oh, no...the next act couldn't make it, it's been cancelled.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What? But that was a terrific act! Prunella And Her Prancing Poultry!
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Yeah. I know, yeah...Kermit, about that poultry, you see, yesterday...the duck hunting season began.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Dr. Bunsen Honeydew|Dr. Bunsen Honeydew]]''': Well, I'm just bubbly with excitement.

===[[Petula Clark]] [2.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, ladies and gentlemen, Switzerland has given us some watches, some chocolate, and some silliness. And, we take you now to the Alps for the latter.

===[[Bob Hope]] [2.21]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Kermit, cancel my bread impersonation act! They didn't deliver my poppy seeds. You wouldn't want me to walk out there NAKED, would you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Bob Hope]]''': Are you ready to the song?
:'''The Talking Horse''': Sure, Why not!
:'''[[Bob Hope]]''': Yeah, But wait a minute. We are in the middle of the desert. And where is the music coming from?
:'''The Talking Horse''': Well, There is a tape deck in the saddle.
:'''[[Bob Hope]]''': (Ejects the cassette from the tape deck, and reads at the audio cassette) (To the audience) Stereophonic horse! (Puts the cassette back into the tape deck)

===[[w:Teresa Brewer|Teresa Brewer]] [2.22]===
:'''First Mate [[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': All right, that does it! I refuse to continue this sketch, did you hear me?
:'''Capt. [[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': Sketch? What sketch? This is the Swinetrek, we're lost in endless space!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': This is a cheap-shot comedy sketch, and I'll lay you odds the frog wrote it!

===[[John Cleese]] [2.23]===
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': I'd be Long John Silverstine! Deadliest pirate of the seven seas!
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link]]''': You can't be a pirate!
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': Of course I'm a pirate! I have a hat, a parrot and a hook. What else should I be? A management consultant?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Parrot''': You don't love me any more.
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': Of course I love you. I'm working now!
:'''Parrot''': And you're making a lousy job of it.
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': ''[pulling a gun]'' You wanna be [[Monty Python's Flying Circus|an ex-parrot]]?

===[[Cloris Leachman]] [2.24]===
:'''[[Cloris Leachman|Cloris]]''': All right then, I'll spell it out for you. You are a pig. P-I-G. You are not a frog. F-R-O-G. No, you are not a frog, and nothing that you say will ever convince me that you a frog. Nothing!
:'''Kermit the Pig''': Ribbit? Ribbit, rib-bit?
:'''[[Cloris Leachman|Cloris]]''': Oh, Kermit, it is you!

==Season 3 (1978-1979)==

===[[Kris Kristofferson]] &amp; [[w:Rita Coolidge|Rita Coolidge]] [3.01]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Gladys, what's the soup du jour?
:'''Gladys''': Same as yesterday.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Good, I'll have that and a chicken.
:'''Gladys''': How do you want your chicken? Baked, broiled, or barbecued?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': I want the chicken for company! I hate dining alone.

===[[w:Leo Sayer|Leo Sayer]] [3.02]===
:'''Annie Sue''': ''[to Miss Piggy]'' I never thought it could happen. I've been an admirer of yours ever since I was a little baby, you know?

===[[w:Roy Clark|Roy Clark]] [3.03]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What's all this smoke?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Uh... that is not smoke.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It is not smoke? Then what is it?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': It's jet exhaust.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Jet exhaust?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Oh, look out! Here comes another one!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': ''[to the stage hands in the rafters]'' Hey, somebody kill that light!
:''[Machine gun fire is heard as he turns his back. At the same time that a spotlight drops down, Scooter turns behind him in surprise]''

===[[Gilda Radner]] [3.04]===
:'''[[Gilda Radner|Gilda]]''': ''[to Bunsen]'' Well, do you see. I don't mind assisting, but I'm not crazy about the idea of guinea-pigging.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kermit''': Now I'm stuck on you! 
:'''Miss Piggy''': Oh, at last, my frog wants me! Oh, thank you! ''[She notices he's literally stuck on her]'' Oh... Oh... Will you let... Will you — Get away from me! What is this?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''':: Good night!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': So long!
:''[Their hands are stuck in the handrail]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': (in unison) OH NO!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wayne''': Sorry I was late. I had to change the bus across town, and the traffic was terrible.
:'''Miss Piggy''': Never mind. Just get me out of here.
:'''Wayne''': ''[noticing Uncle Deadly's boots]'' Say, I know those boots. Weren't you a flamenco dancer in Kansas City?
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Why yes, I was.
:'''Wayne''': Harry's Boom Boom Room?
:'''Uncle Deadly''': You caught my act? 
:'''Wayne''': I could never figure out how you did that passé double thing, though.
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''Paso doble''.
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Oh, quite simple, my boy. Quite simple. Music, maestro, please.
:'''Miss Piggy''': Music?! ''[Uncle Deadly starts to dance. Miss Piggy turns to the camera in disbelief. Uncle Deadly's feet come dangerously close to her hands]'' What? Hey, hey. Cool it up there.
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Now to the Passionato del Thunderdoor, you give it an extra little flourish.
:'''Miss Piggy''': Watch it!
:'''Wayne''': ''[to Uncle Deadly]'' Aha! You mean like this? ''[He starts dancing as well]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Whoo-hoo, hee-ha, hold it. Easy! Down, boy. Hold it. Hoo, hey. Cool it.
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Almost, almost. No, more like... ''[He shows Wayne the dance again. Wayne joins in]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Hey! Hey! Hey, Deadly... Hey, wait, hey. ''[Wayne steps on Piggy's hands, causing her to lose her grip and fall off the cliff screaming. Uncle Deadly and Wayne congratulate each other on their dancing]'' I suppose you think that's funny!

===[[Pearl Bailey]] [3.05]===
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Janice]]''': I mean, you know, Kermit, sometimes I don't know what space you are coming from.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well, it's just a regular backstage space.

===[[w:Jean Stapleton|Jean Stapleton]] [3.06]===
:'''[[w:Jean Stapleton|Jean Stapleton]]''': It's about this next number - I would really rather not do it.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What, you mean the number with the pigs dressed as pirates, and the chickens playing some bagpipes, and you dancing with a 7-foot door knob?
:'''[[w:Jean Stapleton|Jean Stapleton]]''': Hmm. It's just one cliche after another.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I liked that last number.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': What did you like about it?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': It was the LAST number! ''[they both laugh]''

===[[Alice Cooper]] [3.07]===
:'''Kermit the Frog''': Boy, it wasn't spooky like this when [[Julie Andrews]] did the show!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sam the Eagle''': ''[enters Alice's dressing room]'' Mr. Cooper.
:'''Alice Cooper''': ''[turns to face Sam with his heavy metal makeup on his face]'' Yes?
:'''Sam the Eagle''': ''[horrified]'' Oh, good grief! Let me come right to the point. You, sir, are a demented, sick, degenerate, barbaric, naughty...freako!
:'''Alice Cooper''': ''[flattered]'' Why, thank you!
:'''Sam the Eagle''': ''[ashamed of this reaction]'' Freakos: one, civilization: zero! ''[leaves Alice Cooper behind]''

===[[Loretta Lynn]] [3.08]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Gonzo, I should never have let you talk me into doing the show from a railroad depot.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': But it was the only place available! They were having a tournament at the bowling alley.

===[[w:Liberace|Liberace]] [3.09]===
:'''Door Guard''': Liberace uses no chickens in his concert.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh, then maybe he'll see me.
:'''Guard''': He's only seeing birds.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': I'm a bird. Yeah, I am a, I am a turkey.
:'''Guard''': You are not a real turkey.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Are you kidding? Have you seen my act?

===[[w:Marisa Berenson|Marisa Berenson]] [3.10]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I just want to know more about this wedding sketch, I mean. I've got to learn my lines, Piggy.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Well.. you only have one line.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I do?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Exactly.

:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Do it!

===[[Raquel Welch]] [3.11]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': You see, my problem was my need to tell jokes.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Yeah! And that was our problem, too! ''[laughs]''

===[[w:James Coco|James Coco]] [3.12]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': You know, I really like the water.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh, I am glad.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Which means, after we're married, we can live at your place.

===[[Helen Reddy]] [3.13]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Hey Beau, I've got a job for you!
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Oh, good.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Yeah. Just look at this mess.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Okay, that sounds easy enough.

===[[Harry Belafonte]] [3.14]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': ''[handing Rowlf a script]'' Hey, guys, guys – here is the musical moment for this week.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Rowlf the Dog]]''': Uh... ''[reading]'' Curtains open. Lew Zealand and Rowlf do something funny. Curtains close.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Go get them!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': And we leave nothing to chance, huh?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Trust me.

===[[w:Lesley Ann Warren|Lesley Ann Warren]] [3.15]===
:'''[[w:Lesley Ann Warren|Lesley]]''': You know, Kermit, I thought you were the only person on this show who wasn't crazy.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Me, not crazy? I hired the others.

===[[w:Leslie Uggams|Leslie Uggams]]/[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]][3.18]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Holy maracas!
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh, hi. I'm Big Bird.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Huh. No kidding.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': I'm a friend of Kermit's.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Oh.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Yeah, we both come from the same neighborhood. Sesame Street.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''':: Oh. Isn't that that cute little children's show with puppets?
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Uh-huh. And who are you?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Who am I? I am Miss Piggy.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh. Well, do you work around here?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Uh, listen, yellow thing. Do you see that star here?
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh, yes. It's very pretty.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': And, uh, do you know why it is there?
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Well, uh... Perfect attendance?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': I am the singing star of this show.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': A singing pig? That's very funny! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Kiss your feathers goodbye, bird! Hai-ya! ''[swings at Big Bird, but he doubles over and she misses and falls]''
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh, you do acrobatics, too. ''[To the audience]'' She's very versatile.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Have we ever said that this show is for the birds?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Yes, and we'll keep saying it until it gets a laugh.

===[[w:Elke Sommer|Elke Sommer]] [3.19]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Thank you, Thank you, And welcome again to The Muppet Show. And we have great show because our guest star is on our favorite German actress, Mrs. Elke Sommer. But before we get to her, Ladies and Gentlemen: Bobby Benson's Baby Band!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Martha''': George, wake up! I think I hear prowlers.
:'''George''': Oh Martha, go back to sleep.

===[[Sylvester Stallone]] [3.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Welcome to The Muppet Show. We have great show tonight, Because our special guest star a famous director, screen writer, and the star of the popular movie called ''[[Rocky]]'', [[Sylvester Stallone]].
:''[A group teenage girls jumps to the stage]''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[To the girls]'' GET OUT OF THERE! ''[To the audience]'' Sorry about that, folks. Now anyways, We will like to start with a little Hawaiian number.
:'''One of the teenaged girl''': Is Sylvester going to wear a Hawaiian skirt?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[To the girl]'' NO! HE IS NOT IN THE OPENING NUMBER! Please get back to seat. Uh, Curtains.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Birdie? Is that you? It is you. Oh. You came back to me. Hey, everybody. Let's change that tone.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Wow. I have a bird. Everyone, this is Birdie. Birdie, this is everyone. Isn't she cute?
:(they touched their noses)
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': You're my best friend!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Animal reunion.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Gonzo, this is Birdie.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Wow, a real bird. So nice to have you here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Customer]]''': (laughing, stiffing)
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Okay, Well, The time has come to say goodbye. Because we don't have much else to say.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': And if you're worried about Fozzie. Rest assure, he is scared.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': But before we go, let's have one last round of applause for the one and only, Sylvester Stallone!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': And his pet Birdie!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''':  YAYYYYYYYYYY!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Yippee!
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Oh, thank you, Gonzo. Birdie thanks you too. Well, Kermit. I had a wonderful time. And Birdie came back. I only hope I didn't hurt the talking punching bag.
:'''The Punching Bag''': Hey, what hurt? Come on, Stallone, give us one for old time's sake.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': OK. [He punches the punching bag]
:'''The Punching Bag''': (chuckles) Hey, Stallone, that's my kind of guy.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Okay. That's it for now.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Thank you again for telling me.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Thanks for seeing Birdie. You made me the happiest star of all.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show! You all have been a wonderful laugh track.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, they say all good things come to an end.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': What's that got to do with this show?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': (chuckles)

===[[w:Roger Miller|Roger Miller]] [3.21]===
:''[Statler &amp; Waldorf chuckling]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': I bet you were expecting chickens.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Woof Woof Woof!
:''[Statler &amp; Waldorf laugh]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Woof Woof!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Woof Woof!

===[[w:Roy Rogers|Roy Rogers]] and [[w:Dale Evans|Dale Evans]] [3.22]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Usually at this time, I would have said good night to the audience, But do you mind if you can say it, Your way?
:'''[[w:Roy Rogers|Roy Rogers]]''': Oh I'll be glad too. ''[To the audience]'' Until we again, on screen, or in person, Good night and good luck, and make good lord liking you.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!

===[[w:Cheryl Ladd|Cheryl Ladd]] [3.24]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, Gonzo, that is terrible! I'm not going to introduce you for a crummy act like that!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Sic 'em!
:...
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': O.K! O.K! O.K! O.K! I'll introduce him.
:'''Chicken''': Meow!!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Ungh! And now, here he is, ladies and gentlemen, uh, your one and you're welcome to him, Gonzo the Great! Off, off, off, off, off!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Thank you! Thank you! And now, students of the occult, I shall demonstrate my amazing, powers of hypnosis. I shall place a member of the audience in a chance, aided only by the mysterious strength of hypnotic suggestion. My subject would support with only one hand, this 5000 pound weight. Who will the 1st, lucky volunteer? It's just a question of mind over matter.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': That's right! You don't mind and we don't matter!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': You'll live to regret this!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We intend to.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': But I just do not understand, you people! Immortality is out for grahams! But you don't deserve it!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': No, but you do!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': What a terrific idea! I'll hypnotize myself. I'll go down in history! Ahem. Look deep into my eyes! Make my mind a complete blank. My eye-lids are getting heavy. I am falling into my power. When I count 3, I will have the strength of an army! 1, 2, 3! Release the ropes!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': That's very impressive! But how do you get out of it?
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': It's simple. I just snap my fingers! Ungh! Hey, Kermit, it went terrific!

==Season 4 (1979-1980)==

===[[w:Shields and Yarnell|Shields and Yarnell]] [4.3]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Just when you think the show is terrible, something wonderful happens.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': What?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': It ends. ''[Both laugh]''

===[[Dudley Moore]] [4.7]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Oh Dudley, Dudley Moore, Fifteen seconds to Curtain, Mr. Moore!
:'''[[Dudley Moore]]''': (As he tries to tune his piano) Thank you, Scooter. But you see, I am having a bit a trouble getting this piano tuned. Can you give me an A?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Sure, Easy! ''[Uses a hand gun to shoot at the ceiling and it reveals the letter A!]''

===[[Liza Minnelli]] [4.9]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': ''[Statler and Waldorf are in prison uniforms in a prison cell in the balcony]'' How long are we here for?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Twenty years.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': If I'd known that judge was giving us the box, I'd have asked for the chair. ''[Both laugh]''

===[[Kenny Rogers]] [4.10]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': ''[singing]'' Why don't they make things funny?

===[[w:Dizzy Gillespie|Dizzy Gillespie]] [4.13]===
:'''Waldorf''': Statler isn't here tonight, Kermit! He's sick!
:'''Kermit''': Oh, that's too bad. The flu?
:'''Waldorf''': No, the show! He's sick of it! (laughs)
:'''Kermit''': Well, uh, don't get lonely up there, okay?
:'''Waldorf''': Not much chance of that. My wife is using Statler's ticket. She's just powdering her nose.
:'''Kermit''': No kidding. I've always wanted to meet your wife.
:''[Astoria, a woman who looks exactly like Statler, appears in the box]''
:'''Astoria''': I thought the show had started! Who's the frog?
:'''Waldorf''': That's Kermit, dear.
:'''Kermit''': What's your wife's name, Waldorf?
:'''Waldorf''': Astoria!

===[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]] [4.16]===
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': It's almost time for the closing number. I'll let you know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Boy, that Old Gypsy Lady gave me a great introduction for the closing number, now I get to take over from here. (clears his throat) Now let's thank our guest star, the king of comedy genius, Jonathan Winters! YAY!
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': Thank you, Beauregard. I have never so felt alive before, it was a nice Svensky.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': That's it for now. I'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.

===[[Mark Hamill]] [4.17]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well folks, our own Scooter has prepared an act for us. He can't play very well, but he's worked very hard on this, and after listening to Mark and Angus Gershwin Gargling, anything should sound good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Do you think there's life in outer space?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': There's certainly none in this theater. ''[both laugh]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kermit''': What do you do, Mark?
:'''[[Mark Hamill]]''': ''[imitating Kermit]'' Oh, uh, well, you know, I've been known to do impressions. Yaaay!
:'''Kermit''': Mm-hm. Who do you do? ''[Mark looks perplexed]''

===[[Christopher Reeve]] [4.18]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, this has been an evening to remember.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Why?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': I forgot. ''[Both laugh]''

===[[w:Lynda Carter|Lynda Carter]] [4.19]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Lynda Carter, Lynda Carter?
:'''[[w:Lynda Carter|Lynda Carter]]''': I know, I know, 20 seconds to curtains.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': WOW! You can read my mind!
:'''[[w:Lynda Carter|Lynda Carter]]''': No! I am reading the script.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': No! Kermit wouldn't allow a script.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Holy guacamole! This looks like a job for Wonder Pig!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': How come chickens are getting so big on this show?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, chickens thrive on corn. [both laugh and clucking]

===[[w:Andy Williams|Andy Williams]] [4.22]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I'm going to see my lawyer!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Why?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I'm going to find out if you can sue a show for breach of taste!

===[[Diana Ross]] [4.24]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''':'' [running on-stage]'' Hiya! Hiya! Hiya! Hiya! ''[the crowd boos loudly at him; runs off-stage]'' Bye-a! Bye-a! Bye-a! Bye-a!
:''[Waldorf holds up a score card that says &quot;1&quot;]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You gave him a one?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': He's never been better.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': Is this the end of ''Pigs in Space''?
:'''Audience''': YES!
:'''Narrator''': Then tune in next time for another....
:'''Audience''': NO!
:'''Narrator''': All right, then, don't. See if I care.

==Season 5 (1980-1981)==

===[[w:Loretta Swit|Loretta Swit]] [5.1]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Congratulations, Kermit.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': On what?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': That photographer from Tongue Magazine. You and Miss Piggy are being secretly married down in Las Vegas.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[Gasp and shocked]'' Piggy, PIGGY?!?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Yes, mon cheri?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Piggy, have you been planting items about us in the gossip  papers again?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Um, well... what would make you think a thing like that?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': That photographer who was just here. He was from Tongue Magazine.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Oh. Well, it was just a teeny tiny item.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': IT WAS A COVER STORY, ABOUT US BEING SECRETLY MARRIED!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': It's just a slight exaggeration.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': THAT'S A BOLD-FACE LIE, PIGGY!!! I WILL NOT STAND AROUND WHEN YOU DO DUMB THINGS LIKE THAT! YOU HAVE DONE TOO ME TO MANY TIMES, PIGGY. I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT! NO, I WON'T STAND FOR IT!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Then what are going to do?!?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': I WILL TELL YOU WHAT I AM GOING TO DO, PIGGY! I AM GOING TO &quot;FIRE&quot; YOU! PIGGY, YOU ARE FIRED! YOU ARE FIRED, PIGGY! YOU ARE FIRED, FIRED! ''[Takes deep breaths from his meltdown]''
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': You're kidding.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': I am not kidding!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': But I am supposed be in the next number.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': I will and I can. ''[To the intercom]'' Please, Cancel the next number. Bring in the snores chorus on stage.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': You can't fire me. I am actress, model.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': YOU CAN BE REPLACED, YOU KNOW.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': BOSS, The Snorers are putting the audience to sleep.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Alright, I'll introduce Loretta, then. SNORERS, GET OFF THE STAGE!!!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': They can't fire me.
:'''One of the snorers''': I don't know, I was sleeping all the time.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': AND NOW ''[Calmly]'' And now ladies and gentlemen, here is our special guest star, Miss Loretta Swit! YAYYYYYYYY!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Loretta Swit|Loretta Swit]]''': Who going to take over the talent, and one verb?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Well, In Vet's Hospital, I wonder if you can be in it?
:'''[[w:Loretta Swit|Loretta Swit]]''': ''[Goes hyper as she lets go of Miss Piggy]'' I'D LOVE TO!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Oh, Good.
:'''[[w:Loretta Swit|Loretta Swit]]''': Do you think the uniform will fit.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Oh yes, Anybody can do that.
:'''Tongue Magazine Photographer''': Uh, Piggy. Do you work here?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': HAI-YAH! (Kicks the photographer)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Captain Link Hogthrob]]''': HELP! WE BEEN ATTACKED BY A LITTLE GREEN MONSTER!!!
:'''[[w:Dr. Julius Strangepork|Doctor Julius Strangepork]]''': It's worse than that, We got two First Mate Piggies!

===[[w:Tony Randall|Tony Randall]] [5.13]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Boy, you sure are heavy. You must least weighed a ton.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Well, that's good. That means she's lost weight! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Floyd, you shouldn't laugh at Piggy. I mean, she must be terrified.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Terrified? She's petrified! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, great news, Miss Piggy! You'll be back to normal in no time. I just got this new book called, &quot;Sandblasting Without Pain&quot;! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Hey, hey, Gonzo!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Yeah?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Yeah! Did you know that Miss Piggy is very worried about Kermit?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Worried about Kermit? Why?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Well, she's afraid that she'll have to take him for granite! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': OK. OK, guys. Enough with these big cheap shots.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Aw, come on! I've got another page to go yet.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Floyd, how could you be so cruel to a fellow performer? Someone you've known and work with for years. I mean, just take a look at her. She's suffered enough. Have pity upon her.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[affectionally]'' Mmmmmmmm.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Oh, you're right. Well, what will I do with these jokes?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Burn them. ''[leaves to the stage]''
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': ''[to Miss Piggy]'' You heard what the frog said. ''[strikes a match on her]''
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[painfully]'' '''MMMMMMMMMM!!!!!'''
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': ''[laughs]''

===[[w:Mac Davis|Mac Davis]] [5.14]===
:''[Beaker comes up to Piggy and babbles]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Beaker, I told you never to talk to me like that! ''[Beaker exhales heavily and walks off]'' Because I can't understand it.
----
:'''[[w:Dr. Bunsen Honeydew|Dr. Bunsen Honeydew]]''': ''[After getting clones of Beakers on his copying machine]'' I've only got one thing to say! '''HELLLLLLLLP! HELLLLLLLLLLLLP!!''' ''[Runs in a panic attack]''

===[[w:Carol Burnett|Carol Burnett]] [5.15]===
:'''[[w:Carol Burnett|Carol Burnett]]''': Kermit, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but this is one of the three worst shows I've ever seen.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What were the other two?
:'''[[w:Carol Burnett|Carol Burnett]]''': There are no other two; I was just being kind.

===[[w:Gladys Knight|Gladys Knight]] [5.16]===
:''[During the Opening number]''
:'''Archeologist''': Look at them, I think they're glad to see us.
:'''Sacarogi''': When you've been stood up for 4,000 years, you're glad to see ''anybody''!

===[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]] [5.17]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well, It looks like time's running out for us.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yeah, And for the show, too.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': So, Let's bring back our wonderful special guest star, Mr. Hal Linden!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[As he goes on Stage]'' YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': Oh, Kermit. It's good to see you!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': It sure is.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Yeah, Tonight was a disaster.
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': Has it really?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Gee, I thought that was a terrific show.
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': What are you talking about? There was a lot of confusions and chaos, and a lot of running around like mindless maniacs....
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Yeah, Like any good Muppet Show!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': And Hal, You're a big part of it.
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': Oh, Good. I am glad I fit right in.
:''[Everybody laughs]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, Kermit. The show is all yours. We are going back to our seats in the box and stay there. ''[exits the stage]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We didn't know how tough it was down here. From now on, we promise never to say a bad thing about this show again! ''[exits the stage]''.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Oh, good! We'll see you again next time on ''The Muppet Show''.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Bye!

===[[Marty Feldman]] [5.18]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': How should we know how to get to [[Sesame Street]]?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We don't even know how to get out of this stupid theater box!

===[[Debbie Harry]] [5.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': You left out one rainbow song!
:'''[[Debbie Harry]]''': I did? Which one?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': My rainbow song!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Appleby''': Mr. Frog. My boys just did your show, and we never negotiated a deal.

===[[Gene Kelly]] [5.24]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': When will we get there?
:'''[[w:Dr. Julius Strangepork|Dr. Julius Strangepork]]''': In about 1 minute from, NOW!
:''[We see a timer at the bottom of the screen]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''News Anchor''': [As he interrupts the Pigs in Space sketch] And now, A Muppet News Flash. Probably the greatest news story in history. The meaning and purpose of life has just been announced as follow [He looks at the wrong message] Wait a minute. That's the wrong one. Hmm, I had it here a minute a go. Where is it? The meaning of purpose of life? Hmmm [To a crew member] HOW COULD I KEEP TRACK OF THINGS WHEN YOU'RE ALWAYS STRAIGHTENING OUT MY DESK?!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': You are trying to make me feel better. But I know, THE END IS NEAR!!!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': UH, NO! THE END IS NOW! ''[To the audience)]'' We'll see you next time on ''The Muppet Show''!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Are you ready for the end of the world?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Sure! It couldn't be any worse than this show!

===[[w:Glenda Jackson|Glenda Jackson]]===
:'''Kermit''': The show must not go on... because I quit! I give up! Our guest star's a pirate, the theater's sailing out to sea and I'm losing my mind!

==Theme Song==
'''Season 1'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest topic/star(s), Mr./Ms. (insert guest star name)!&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to raise the curtain&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;''[Fozzie'' ''tells a different joke each week]''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': To introduce our guest star&lt;br&gt;That's what I'm here to do.&lt;br&gt;So it really makes me happy&lt;br&gt;To introduce to you...&lt;br&gt;(insert guest star name)!&lt;br&gt;But now let's get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo strikes gong with different effect each week]''

'''Season 2'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest topic/star(s), Mr./Ms. (insert guest star name)!&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to get things started
:''(Statler and Waldorf make a different wisecrack each week)''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

'''Season 3'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest topic/star(s), Mr./Ms. (insert guest star name)! (Yaaaaaaaaaay!)&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to get things started&lt;br&gt;'''Audience''': Why don't you get things started?
:''(Statler and Waldorf make a different wisecrack each week)''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

'''Season 4'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest star/topic(s) (insert guest star name)! (Yaaaaaaaaaay!)&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to get things started&lt;br&gt;'''Audience''': Why don't you get things started?
:''(Statler and Waldorf make a different wisecrack each week)''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

'''Season 5'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest star/topic(s) (insert guest star name)! (Yaaaaaaaaaay!)&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to raise the curtain on The Muppet Show tonight!&lt;br&gt;'''Waldorf''': Why do we always come here?&lt;br&gt;'''Statler''': I guess we'll never know.&lt;br&gt;'''Waldorf''': It's like a kind of torture. &lt;br&gt;'''Both''': To have to watch the show!
:&quot;[Animal drum solo and Lips trumpet solo]&quot;&lt;br&gt; '''Cast''': And now let's get things started! &lt;br&gt; '''Audience''': Why don't you get things started?&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0074028|title=The Muppet Show}}
* [http://muppets.go.com The Online Home of Muppet Studios]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Muppet Show, The}}
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:American TV shows featuring puppetry]]
[[Category:UK TV shows featuring puppetry]]
[[Category:ITV shows]]</text>
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'''''[[w:The Muppet Show|The Muppet Show]]''''' (1976–1981) was the brainchild of [[ Jim Henson]], and featured [[w:The Muppets|The Muppets]], a group of puppets and costumed characters. The general set up was a &quot;live&quot; variety show hosted by [[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]. Each episode featured several &quot;on stage&quot; sketches, usually starring the week's guest star, interspersed with backstage scenes.

==Season 1 (1976-1977)==

===[[w:Juliet Prowse|Juliet Prowse]]===
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': That's one of the reasons I always thought the Muppets are weird.
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Why is that?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': They think explosions are funny. Explosions aren't funny. ''[Statler's cigar explodes]'' ...Although, some of them are really quite droll.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ''[after Juliet called him &quot;the [[w:Robert Redford|Robert Redford]] of frogs&quot;]'' You're gonna be coming back on this show a LOT! I mean it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yeah, whadya think?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Beats sitting home watching television.
:'''[[w:Mah Nà Mah Nà|Mahna Mahna]]''': Mahna Mahna!

===[[w:Connie Stevens|Connie Stevens]]/[[w:Bert and Ernie|Bert and Ernie]] [1.02]===
:'''[[w:Bert and Ernie|Bert]]''': Ernie... did I make a complete fool of myself?
:'''[[w:Bert and Ernie|Ernie]]''': ''[patting Bert's shoulder]'' Absolutely, Bert.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Hm. Do you think this show is educational?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yes. It'll drive people to read books.

===[[Joel Grey]] [1.03]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Bug off? What kind of joke was that?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': That was no joke, Fozzie.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': That was my wife!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': More! More!
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': No, not so loud: they may hear you!

===[[w:Ruth Buzzi|Ruth Buzzi]] [1.04]===
:'''Robot Kermit''': Hey, listen, how about you, and me getting together, and making some ''steam'' heat. Huh, snuggle bunny?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Snuggle bunny? Why, uh...
:'''Robot Kermit''': Yeah. Look, let me take you away from all this. Ah, a marriage made in heaven! A frog and a pig. And we can have bouncing baby figs!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well, did you like the show?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': No I didn't. No I didn't. No I didn't.

===[[Rita Moreno]] [1.05]===
:'''Dancer''': I hear you come from a broken home.
:'''[[w:Animal (muppet)|Animal]]''': Yeah, I broke it myself!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yes, uh, well, uhn-huh. I still couldn't find the chewing gum.

===[[w:Jim Nabors|Jim Nabors]] [1.06]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Your salary is 20 a week.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Could you make it 25?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Are you kidding? I can't afford it!
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Gee, my uncle will be really disappointed.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': How about 30?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Pay up, they made it through another one.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Double or nothing on next week's show?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': You're on.

===[[w:Florence Henderson|Florence Henderson]] [1.07]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Can we get back to the subject at hand... Florence?
:'''[[w:Florence Henderson|Florence]]''': Well, there's no question in my mind!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ''[after a pause]'' As to what?
:'''[[w:Florence Henderson|Florence]]''': Nothing! There's no question in my mind! Ha ha! No answers either.

===[[Paul Williams (songwriter)|Paul Williams]] [1.08]===
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Janice]]''': That man is annoying me.
:'''[[w:Zoot (muppet)|Zoot]]''': He isn't even looking at you.
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Janice]]''': That's what's annoying me.

===[[w:Charles Aznavour|Charles Aznavour]] [1.09]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, Kermit, are you busy?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Yes, Gonzo, but I can give you my ear for a minute.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': What would I do with your ear?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ''[exasperated]'' Van Gogh impressions.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gonzo''': You'll all see because there's only one Great Gonzo, only one!
:'''Kermit''': Thank goodness for that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr Bob]]''': This is D for Doc B for Bob saying turn off the Joy Juice ''[laughs then puts gas mask to his left ear]'' Hmm? ''[speaks into it]'' Ten-Roger, OK where were we? Pulse?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': ''[checks pulse and gasps]'' No pulse, Dr. Bob.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr Bob]]''': Hmmm, Heartbeat?
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Nurse Janice]]''': ''[checks heartbeat]'' No heartbeat, Dr. Bob.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr Bob]]''': No pulse, no heartbeat, no use. He's gone!
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Nurse Janice]]''': And Dr Bob your record was so good, you saved nine out of ten.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr Bob]]''': My record is still good, this week he was ten.
:'''Announcer''': And so Dr Bob's record is still good, it is top on the medical fame, with a bullet, tune in next when we will hear nurse Piggy say...
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': I hope nobody hears about this Dr. Bob.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr Bob]]''': At least ''he'' won't say anything, hahaha!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': I get it! haha! I get it! (laughs with him)

===[[w:Harvey Korman|Harvey Korman]] [1.10]===
:'''[[w:Harvey Korman|Harvey Korman]]''': ''[as Maurice the Magnificent]'' Speak. Speak you demon, SPEAK!
:'''Thog''': ''[gulps]'' I hardly know where to begin.

===[[Lena Horne]] [1.11]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well, Piggy, sometimes, the truth hurts.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Hurt? I'll show you hurt! HAI-YA! ''[karate-chops Kermit]''

===[[Peter Ustinov]] [1.12]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Okay, okay, good bit, good bit, good ending, and sorry about the head.

===[[w:Bruce Forsyth|Bruce Forsyth]] [1.13]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': My cousin is ''so'' dumb, he thinks eggs Benedict is a Mafia gangster!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I've seen ''cheeseburgers'' funnier than that!

===[[w:Sandy Duncan|Sandy Duncan]] [1.14]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ...and so, that means our show tonight will be a real bang up affar-
:'''[[w:Crazy Harry|Crazy Harry]]''': Did somebody say bang?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, no. ''[Gets blown into Statler and Waldorf's box]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Would you lend me a fiver till pay day? I gotta pay my writer, the legendary 'Gags' Beasley.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': The legendary 'Gags' comes pretty cheap, doesn't he?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Well, we worked out a great deal.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': You pay him by the line?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': No, I pay him by the laugh.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh, then he owes you money.

===[[w:Candice Bergen|Candice Bergen]] [1.15]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Kermit, dear, did you know that every time we have a beautiful girl on this show, you forget about me?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Yeah, well, we could have a seal act on this show, Piggy, and I might forget about you.

===[[w:Avery Schreiber|Avery Schreiber]] [1.16]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Bunsen Honeydew|Dr. Bunsen Honeydew]]''': Think of the safety. Think of the sense of well-being. And, at last, your family can be protected from the heartbreak of gorilla invasion.

===[[w:Ben Vereen|Ben Vereen]] [1.17]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': It's too late, Dr. Bob. We've lost him.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Doctor Bob]]''': Well, he couldn't have gone so far. He was under the sheet just a second ago.

===[[w:Phyllis Diller|Phyllis Diller]] [1.18]===
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Rowlf the Dog]]''': You think that's bad? For the first three months of my life there was a newspaper strike!

===[[Vincent Price]] [1.19]===
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': If you are like me, and you certainly must be, you are appalled and shocked at the weird, unnatural things going on tonight.

:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': This go-fer's about to become a gone-fer.

===[[w:Valerie Harper|Valerie Harper]] [1.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': That was great! And, you are just wonderful, Valerie! I tell you, you are going out on that stage a star, but you are gonna be coming back a chorus girl, right?

===[[Twiggy]] [1.21]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': I – I was just in my star's dressing room, and I saw the most ghoulish, fiendish-looking face in the closet!
:'''Hilda''': That was me, clown! And I was hanging up the wardrobe.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Uncle Deadly''': I swore I would never perform here again, nor would anyone else. I will drive you all from this theatre. LEAVE OR BE DOOOOOOOOOMED! ''[He switches to a normal voice]'' Which way do I exit?

===[[Ethel Merman]] [1.22]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[giving Ethel roses]'' Miss Merman, from all of us, to you.
:'''[[Ethel Merman|Ethel]]''': Oh, how kind of you, Miss Piggy...they won't explode, will they?

===[[w:Kaye Ballard|Kaye Ballard]] [1.23]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Me and the gang have decided not to end our gig here.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh, good!
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': ''If''...
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh-huh? If what?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': If I can write the new theme song.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh! Oh, that'll be fine with me.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': No, it won't, man.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, why not?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': You'll hate my music! You won't understand it!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well, now listen here. I-I'm pretty hip too, you know.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Not hip enough. Nobody understands my music. I mean, I don't even understand it.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': You don't?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': If I didn't know I was a genius, I wouldn't listen to the trash I write.

===[[w:Mummenschanz|Mummenschanz]] [1.24]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': ''[singing while following Miss Piggy]'' She kissed me! She put her arms around me and she kissed me!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[humiliated]'' It was that case of the mistaken identity!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hug me, Miss Piggy! Hold me!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': I will not hug you, you...twit turkey!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh, hold my hand, pig-of-my-dreams!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Will you beat it, twerp?!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Just touch me, oh, hog-of-my-heart!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Here's a touch for you, wimp-buzzard!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': I'm ready!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': HAI-YA! ''[karate-chops Gonzo, and leaves]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': ''[singing dazed]'' She touched me...She swung her porky pinkies and she touched me! ''[faints]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': [[w:Miss Piggy|Piggy]], while I appreciate this offer of affection, I hope you will understand when I tell you, as usual, that I do not want you.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh, then can I have her?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': HAI-YA! ''[standing between Kermit and Gonzo, she karate-chops both of them, one with each hand]'' That is known as getting two turkeys with one chop.

==Season 2 (1977-1978)==

===[[w:Don Knotts|Don Knotts]] [2.01]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I know what is wrong, with this show, it's the theater!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': What's wrong with it?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': The seats face the stage!

===[[Zero Mostel]] [2.02]===
:'''[[Zero Mostel|Zero]]''': I am not in my dressing room, eating! I am in my dressing room, being eaten!
----
:'''Sam the Eagle''': I think you know why I am here.
:'''Kermit the Frog''': Uh, actually, Sam, to tell you the truth, I've never known why you're here.

===[[Milton Berle]] [2.03]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': Funny, Funny, FUNNY!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Uh-Huh! Uh-Huh! I heard about them before, it's beginning. You're the two guys that I heard about that heckle from the box, huh? There they are ladies and gentlemen. Take a good look at them. Starski &amp; Crutch. Now don't start with me boys, don't start...
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Hey, Berle!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': What?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You know what? I've just figured out your style.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Really?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You work like [[w:Gregory Peck|Gregory Peck]].
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Gregory Peck's not a comedian.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Now just a minute, please. I have been a successful comedian half of my life.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': How come we got this half?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Look, did you two come in here to be entertained or not?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': That's right.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': What's right?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We came in here to be entertained, and we're not!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, yeah? I'd like to see you come down here and be funny.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': You first!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': &quot;Ha, ha, ha&quot;, the audience! &quot;Ha, ha, ha&quot;! Don't pay any attention to him, folks. He's the ninth child of a family of eight! Let me tell the story.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Hey, hey, Berle!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Ohhh... Yeah, what is it? What is it?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You know what you're doing wrong?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': What'm I doing wrong?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You're standing too close to the audience.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, yeah? ''[steps back]'' How is this?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You're still too close.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, sorry. ''[steps back more]'' Is this okay?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': No, a little more.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': How far back do you want me to go?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You got a car?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Let me tell you something: If you don't stop, I'll have the usher throw you out!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': He can't. He's too busy.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Doing what?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Keeping people in!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': ''[to the audience]'' And you're encouraging them! That's what you're doing! ''[to Statler and Waldorf]'' You know, I got a good mind to punch you in your nose.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Please, not while I'm holding it.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': That's very funny.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Ah, you can use it.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': I don't need your material, pal. I got a million funny lines in the back of my head.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Yeah? How come they never reach your mouth?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, how's it going, Mr. Berle?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, I'm gonna start with you, now. &quot;How's it going?&quot; It's going terribly. It's going -- these guys have been picking on me, insulting me, ever since I started.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Well, could I help you out?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Please, huh?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Which way did you came in?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': ''[grabs Gonzo by the nose and pushes him aside]'' Get outta here! I've had it, I've had it! Here we go AGAIN!!

===[[w:Rich Little|Rich Little]] [2.04]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': A tap-dancing chicken act? Gonzo, I've never heard of anything as ridiculous as a dancing chicken.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': How about a talking frog?

===[[w:Judy Collins|Judy Collins]] [2.05]===
:'''J.P.''': ''[on the phone]'' Yeah, well, sell the hotel on Pennsylvania Avenue, buy all your railroads, and don't forget the 200 dollars, and let him go straight to jail.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[approaches the podium for the announcement]'' I just wanted to know that following that last piece of material, I am disassociating myself from this whole, weird, SICK show! ''[to somebody]'' What do I do? ''[leaves the podium]''

===[[w:Nancy Walker|Nancy Walker]] [2.06]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, Fozzie, what is on stage next?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': I don't know, what's on stage now?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Nothing.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': NOTHING'S ON STAGE?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Before we go, We will like to thank tonight's special guest star, Miss Nancy (ACHOOO!)
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Awww, you blew it, too. It's Nancy Walker.

===[[Edgar Bergen]] [2.07]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': You have to treat the chickens pretty well, because they've got a very tough union.

===[[Steve Martin]] [2.08]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[depressing]'' Thank you. And welcome to a very moment here on The Muppet Show. I am sorry but I got some bad news to tell you.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Maybe we came at last.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Maybe the show has been cancelled.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Tonight's show has been cancelled.
:''[Both Statler and Waldorf were shocked]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Have I died and gone to Heaven?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Well, you see, I just misread my calendar. The show has been cancelled tonight, because we are opening auditions for new acts. You are welcome to see it, but I don't think there will any excitements.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]:''' ''[to Kermit, off-screen]'' Should we stay or Should we go?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[to Statler and Waldorf]'' Why don't you two take the night off? ''[to the entire audience]'' Well, we might as well bring up the house lights and say good night to everybody.
:''[The audiences leaves in disappointment]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Listen, it's very healthy to see what other people in the field are doing. And it is an enriching experience.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Yeah.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Hey, Scooter, what's next?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Oh, it's a guy named Lenny the Lizard. And he's an emcee.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What the hey?

===[[Madeline Kahn]] [2.09]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Well, she's nothing like you at all. She is beautiful, and she's got this cute little nose... ''[sniffs]'' and she's intelligent... ''[sniffs]'' and talented...

===[[George Burns]] [2.10]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I'm sorry, but we don't allow any reporters backstage during the show.
:'''Fleet''': What a headline! Muppet's Bad Press: Reporter Thrown Out By A Frog!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Now, wait! On the other hand, can I offer you a cup of coffee?
:'''Fleet''': What a headline! Frog Bribes Reporter: Muppet's Desperate For Publicity!

===[[w:Dom DeLuise|Dom DeLuise]] [2.11]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I mean, you know, if you can afford to pay off the audience, and buy all those flowers, and the fur, and the mail, and all that stuff...

===[[w:Bernadette Peters|Bernadette Peters]] [2.12]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': ''[after Miss Mousey's number]'' Boo! Hiss! Terrible! I hated it!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Really? I kind of liked it.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well, the pig doesn't have you in a hammerlock! Boo!

===[[Rudolf Nureyev]] [2.13]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth|Dr. Teeth]]''': Hey, hey, what's this bummer called again?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Minuet in G Major.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth|Dr. Teeth]]''': Uh, we'll send it back in to the minors.

===[[Elton John]] [2.14]===
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': At least we could have brought a TV set. I'm missing all of my favorite bowling shows.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': You and your bowling shows! He cries at the sad parts.
:''[Alarm went off on the control deck]''
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': What does that red light mean?
:'''[[w:Dr. Julius Strangepork|Dr. Julius Strangepork]]''': Well, The red light means stop, The green light means go, and the yellow light means....
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': No! No! No! Not traffic light, That light on the control panel.
:'''[[w:Dr. Julius Strangepork|Dr. Julius Strangepork]]''': Oh, That light. Well, That means we are invaded by alien beings.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We're look like members of the rock age!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': We're look more like members of the Stone Age! ''[Both laugh]''

===[[w:Lou Rawls|Lou Rawls]] [2.15]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Oh, no, you couldn't take Animal on any long road trips, Lou.
:'''[[w:Lou Rawls|Lou]]''': Why not, man? The cat is good.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': No, you couldn't get a long enough chain!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Fozzie has fallen off the stage]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': He was doing okay until he fell off the stage.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Wrong. He was doing okay until he ''came on'' the stage.

===[[w:Cleo Laine|Cleo Laine]] [2.16]===
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': First Mate Miss Piggy.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Er, yes, sir!
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': Did you shave this morning?

===[[Julie Andrews]] [2.17]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': ''[to the cow]'' Wow, you have got a great pair of legs! In fact, she's got two great pairs of legs!

===[[w:Jaye P. Morgan|Jaye P. Morgan]] [2.18]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I can't tell you what a thrill it is to have you on this show.
:'''[[w:Jaye P. Morgan|Jaye P.]]''': Oh, thank you, Kermit. Nice of you to say so. I'd like to say I'm really indifferent about being here.

===[[Peter Sellers]] [2.19]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Kermit! Kermit! Oh, no...the next act couldn't make it, it's been cancelled.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What? But that was a terrific act! Prunella And Her Prancing Poultry!
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Yeah. I know, yeah...Kermit, about that poultry, you see, yesterday...the duck hunting season began.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Dr. Bunsen Honeydew|Dr. Bunsen Honeydew]]''': Well, I'm just bubbly with excitement.

===[[Petula Clark]] [2.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, ladies and gentlemen, Switzerland has given us some watches, some chocolate, and some silliness. And, we take you now to the Alps for the latter.

===[[Bob Hope]] [2.21]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Kermit, cancel my bread impersonation act! They didn't deliver my poppy seeds. You wouldn't want me to walk out there NAKED, would you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Bob Hope]]''': Are you ready to the song?
:'''The Talking Horse''': Sure, Why not!
:'''[[Bob Hope]]''': Yeah, But wait a minute. We are in the middle of the desert. And where is the music coming from?
:'''The Talking Horse''': Well, There is a tape deck in the saddle.
:'''[[Bob Hope]]''': (Ejects the cassette from the tape deck, and reads at the audio cassette) (To the audience) Stereophonic horse! (Puts the cassette back into the tape deck)

===[[w:Teresa Brewer|Teresa Brewer]] [2.22]===
:'''First Mate [[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': All right, that does it! I refuse to continue this sketch, did you hear me?
:'''Capt. [[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': Sketch? What sketch? This is the Swinetrek, we're lost in endless space!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': This is a cheap-shot comedy sketch, and I'll lay you odds the frog wrote it!

===[[John Cleese]] [2.23]===
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': I'd be Long John Silverstine! Deadliest pirate of the seven seas!
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link]]''': You can't be a pirate!
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': Of course I'm a pirate! I have a hat, a parrot and a hook. What else should I be? A management consultant?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Parrot''': You don't love me any more.
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': Of course I love you. I'm working now!
:'''Parrot''': And you're making a lousy job of it.
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': ''[pulling a gun]'' You wanna be [[Monty Python's Flying Circus|an ex-parrot]]?

===[[Cloris Leachman]] [2.24]===
:'''[[Cloris Leachman|Cloris]]''': All right then, I'll spell it out for you. You are a pig. P-I-G. You are not a frog. F-R-O-G. No, you are not a frog, and nothing that you say will ever convince me that you a frog. Nothing!
:'''Kermit the Pig''': Ribbit? Ribbit, rib-bit?
:'''[[Cloris Leachman|Cloris]]''': Oh, Kermit, it is you!

==Season 3 (1978-1979)==

===[[Kris Kristofferson]] &amp; [[w:Rita Coolidge|Rita Coolidge]] [3.01]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Gladys, what's the soup du jour?
:'''Gladys''': Same as yesterday.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Good, I'll have that and a chicken.
:'''Gladys''': How do you want your chicken? Baked, broiled, or barbecued?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': I want the chicken for company! I hate dining alone.

===[[w:Leo Sayer|Leo Sayer]] [3.02]===
:'''Annie Sue''': ''[to Miss Piggy]'' I never thought it could happen. I've been an admirer of yours ever since I was a little baby, you know?

===[[w:Roy Clark|Roy Clark]] [3.03]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What's all this smoke?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Uh... that is not smoke.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It is not smoke? Then what is it?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': It's jet exhaust.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Jet exhaust?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Oh, look out! Here comes another one!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': ''[to the stage hands in the rafters]'' Hey, somebody kill that light!
:''[Machine gun fire is heard as he turns his back. At the same time that a spotlight drops down, Scooter turns behind him in surprise]''

===[[Gilda Radner]] [3.04]===
:'''[[Gilda Radner|Gilda]]''': ''[to Bunsen]'' Well, do you see. I don't mind assisting, but I'm not crazy about the idea of guinea-pigging.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kermit''': Now I'm stuck on you! 
:'''Miss Piggy''': Oh, at last, my frog wants me! Oh, thank you! ''[She notices he's literally stuck on her]'' Oh... Oh... Will you let... Will you — Get away from me! What is this?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''':: Good night!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': So long!
:''[Their hands are stuck in the handrail]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': (in unison) OH NO!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wayne''': Sorry I was late. I had to change the bus across town, and the traffic was terrible.
:'''Miss Piggy''': Never mind. Just get me out of here.
:'''Wayne''': ''[noticing Uncle Deadly's boots]'' Say, I know those boots. Weren't you a flamenco dancer in Kansas City?
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Why yes, I was.
:'''Wayne''': Harry's Boom Boom Room?
:'''Uncle Deadly''': You caught my act? 
:'''Wayne''': I could never figure out how you did that passé double thing, though.
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''Paso doble''.
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Oh, quite simple, my boy. Quite simple. Music, maestro, please.
:'''Miss Piggy''': Music?! ''[Uncle Deadly starts to dance. Miss Piggy turns to the camera in disbelief. Uncle Deadly's feet come dangerously close to her hands]'' What? Hey, hey. Cool it up there.
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Now to the Passionato del Thunderdoor, you give it an extra little flourish.
:'''Miss Piggy''': Watch it!
:'''Wayne''': ''[to Uncle Deadly]'' Aha! You mean like this? ''[He starts dancing as well]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Whoo-hoo, hee-ha, hold it. Easy! Down, boy. Hold it. Hoo, hey. Cool it.
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Almost, almost. No, more like... ''[He shows Wayne the dance again. Wayne joins in]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Hey! Hey! Hey, Deadly... Hey, wait, hey. ''[Wayne steps on Piggy's hands, causing her to lose her grip and fall off the cliff screaming. Uncle Deadly and Wayne congratulate each other on their dancing]'' I suppose you think that's funny!

===[[Pearl Bailey]] [3.05]===
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Janice]]''': I mean, you know, Kermit, sometimes I don't know what space you are coming from.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well, it's just a regular backstage space.

===[[w:Jean Stapleton|Jean Stapleton]] [3.06]===
:'''[[w:Jean Stapleton|Jean Stapleton]]''': It's about this next number - I would really rather not do it.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What, you mean the number with the pigs dressed as pirates, and the chickens playing some bagpipes, and you dancing with a 7-foot door knob?
:'''[[w:Jean Stapleton|Jean Stapleton]]''': Hmm. It's just one cliche after another.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I liked that last number.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': What did you like about it?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': It was the LAST number! ''[they both laugh]''

===[[Alice Cooper]] [3.07]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Boy, it wasn't spooky like this when [[Julie Andrews]] did the show!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[enters Alice's dressing room]'' Mr. Cooper.
:'''[[w:Alice Cooper|Alice Cooper]]''': ''[turns to face Sam with his heavy metal makeup on his face]'' Yes?
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[horrified]'' Oh, good grief! Let me come right to the point. You, sir, are a demented, sick, degenerate, barbaric, naughty...freako!
:'''[[w:Alice Cooper|Alice Cooper]]''': ''[flattered]'' Why, thank you!
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[ashamed of this reaction]'' Freakos: one, civilization: zero! ''[leaves Alice Cooper behind]''

===[[Loretta Lynn]] [3.08]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Gonzo, I should never have let you talk me into doing the show from a railroad depot.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': But it was the only place available! They were having a tournament at the bowling alley.

===[[w:Liberace|Liberace]] [3.09]===
:'''Door Guard''': Liberace uses no chickens in his concert.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh, then maybe he'll see me.
:'''Guard''': He's only seeing birds.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': I'm a bird. Yeah, I am a, I am a turkey.
:'''Guard''': You are not a real turkey.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Are you kidding? Have you seen my act?

===[[w:Marisa Berenson|Marisa Berenson]] [3.10]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I just want to know more about this wedding sketch, I mean. I've got to learn my lines, Piggy.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Well.. you only have one line.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I do?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Exactly.

:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Do it!

===[[Raquel Welch]] [3.11]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': You see, my problem was my need to tell jokes.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Yeah! And that was our problem, too! ''[laughs]''

===[[w:James Coco|James Coco]] [3.12]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': You know, I really like the water.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh, I am glad.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Which means, after we're married, we can live at your place.

===[[Helen Reddy]] [3.13]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Hey Beau, I've got a job for you!
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Oh, good.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Yeah. Just look at this mess.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Okay, that sounds easy enough.

===[[Harry Belafonte]] [3.14]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': ''[handing Rowlf a script]'' Hey, guys, guys – here is the musical moment for this week.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Rowlf the Dog]]''': Uh... ''[reading]'' Curtains open. Lew Zealand and Rowlf do something funny. Curtains close.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Go get them!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': And we leave nothing to chance, huh?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Trust me.

===[[w:Lesley Ann Warren|Lesley Ann Warren]] [3.15]===
:'''[[w:Lesley Ann Warren|Lesley]]''': You know, Kermit, I thought you were the only person on this show who wasn't crazy.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Me, not crazy? I hired the others.

===[[w:Leslie Uggams|Leslie Uggams]]/[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]][3.18]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Holy maracas!
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh, hi. I'm Big Bird.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Huh. No kidding.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': I'm a friend of Kermit's.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Oh.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Yeah, we both come from the same neighborhood. Sesame Street.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''':: Oh. Isn't that that cute little children's show with puppets?
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Uh-huh. And who are you?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Who am I? I am Miss Piggy.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh. Well, do you work around here?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Uh, listen, yellow thing. Do you see that star here?
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh, yes. It's very pretty.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': And, uh, do you know why it is there?
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Well, uh... Perfect attendance?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': I am the singing star of this show.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': A singing pig? That's very funny! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Kiss your feathers goodbye, bird! Hai-ya! ''[swings at Big Bird, but he doubles over and she misses and falls]''
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh, you do acrobatics, too. ''[To the audience]'' She's very versatile.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Have we ever said that this show is for the birds?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Yes, and we'll keep saying it until it gets a laugh.

===[[w:Elke Sommer|Elke Sommer]] [3.19]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Thank you, Thank you, And welcome again to The Muppet Show. And we have great show because our guest star is on our favorite German actress, Mrs. Elke Sommer. But before we get to her, Ladies and Gentlemen: Bobby Benson's Baby Band!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Martha''': George, wake up! I think I hear prowlers.
:'''George''': Oh Martha, go back to sleep.

===[[Sylvester Stallone]] [3.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Welcome to The Muppet Show. We have great show tonight, Because our special guest star a famous director, screen writer, and the star of the popular movie called ''[[Rocky]]'', [[Sylvester Stallone]].
:''[A group teenage girls jumps to the stage]''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[To the girls]'' GET OUT OF THERE! ''[To the audience]'' Sorry about that, folks. Now anyways, We will like to start with a little Hawaiian number.
:'''One of the teenaged girl''': Is Sylvester going to wear a Hawaiian skirt?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[To the girl]'' NO! HE IS NOT IN THE OPENING NUMBER! Please get back to seat. Uh, Curtains.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Birdie? Is that you? It is you. Oh. You came back to me. Hey, everybody. Let's change that tone.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Wow. I have a bird. Everyone, this is Birdie. Birdie, this is everyone. Isn't she cute?
:(they touched their noses)
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': You're my best friend!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Animal reunion.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Gonzo, this is Birdie.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Wow, a real bird. So nice to have you here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Customer]]''': (laughing, stiffing)
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Okay, Well, The time has come to say goodbye. Because we don't have much else to say.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': And if you're worried about Fozzie. Rest assure, he is scared.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': But before we go, let's have one last round of applause for the one and only, Sylvester Stallone!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': And his pet Birdie!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''':  YAYYYYYYYYYY!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Yippee!
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Oh, thank you, Gonzo. Birdie thanks you too. Well, Kermit. I had a wonderful time. And Birdie came back. I only hope I didn't hurt the talking punching bag.
:'''The Punching Bag''': Hey, what hurt? Come on, Stallone, give us one for old time's sake.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': OK. [He punches the punching bag]
:'''The Punching Bag''': (chuckles) Hey, Stallone, that's my kind of guy.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Okay. That's it for now.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Thank you again for telling me.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Thanks for seeing Birdie. You made me the happiest star of all.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show! You all have been a wonderful laugh track.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, they say all good things come to an end.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': What's that got to do with this show?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': (chuckles)

===[[w:Roger Miller|Roger Miller]] [3.21]===
:''[Statler &amp; Waldorf chuckling]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': I bet you were expecting chickens.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Woof Woof Woof!
:''[Statler &amp; Waldorf laugh]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Woof Woof!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Woof Woof!

===[[w:Roy Rogers|Roy Rogers]] and [[w:Dale Evans|Dale Evans]] [3.22]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Usually at this time, I would have said good night to the audience, But do you mind if you can say it, Your way?
:'''[[w:Roy Rogers|Roy Rogers]]''': Oh I'll be glad too. ''[To the audience]'' Until we again, on screen, or in person, Good night and good luck, and make good lord liking you.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!

===[[w:Cheryl Ladd|Cheryl Ladd]] [3.24]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, Gonzo, that is terrible! I'm not going to introduce you for a crummy act like that!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Sic 'em!
:...
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': O.K! O.K! O.K! O.K! I'll introduce him.
:'''Chicken''': Meow!!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Ungh! And now, here he is, ladies and gentlemen, uh, your one and you're welcome to him, Gonzo the Great! Off, off, off, off, off!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Thank you! Thank you! And now, students of the occult, I shall demonstrate my amazing, powers of hypnosis. I shall place a member of the audience in a chance, aided only by the mysterious strength of hypnotic suggestion. My subject would support with only one hand, this 5000 pound weight. Who will the 1st, lucky volunteer? It's just a question of mind over matter.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': That's right! You don't mind and we don't matter!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': You'll live to regret this!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We intend to.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': But I just do not understand, you people! Immortality is out for grahams! But you don't deserve it!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': No, but you do!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': What a terrific idea! I'll hypnotize myself. I'll go down in history! Ahem. Look deep into my eyes! Make my mind a complete blank. My eye-lids are getting heavy. I am falling into my power. When I count 3, I will have the strength of an army! 1, 2, 3! Release the ropes!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': That's very impressive! But how do you get out of it?
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': It's simple. I just snap my fingers! Ungh! Hey, Kermit, it went terrific!

==Season 4 (1979-1980)==

===[[w:Shields and Yarnell|Shields and Yarnell]] [4.3]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Just when you think the show is terrible, something wonderful happens.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': What?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': It ends. ''[Both laugh]''

===[[Dudley Moore]] [4.7]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Oh Dudley, Dudley Moore, Fifteen seconds to Curtain, Mr. Moore!
:'''[[Dudley Moore]]''': (As he tries to tune his piano) Thank you, Scooter. But you see, I am having a bit a trouble getting this piano tuned. Can you give me an A?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Sure, Easy! ''[Uses a hand gun to shoot at the ceiling and it reveals the letter A!]''

===[[Liza Minnelli]] [4.9]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': ''[Statler and Waldorf are in prison uniforms in a prison cell in the balcony]'' How long are we here for?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Twenty years.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': If I'd known that judge was giving us the box, I'd have asked for the chair. ''[Both laugh]''

===[[Kenny Rogers]] [4.10]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': ''[singing]'' Why don't they make things funny?

===[[w:Dizzy Gillespie|Dizzy Gillespie]] [4.13]===
:'''Waldorf''': Statler isn't here tonight, Kermit! He's sick!
:'''Kermit''': Oh, that's too bad. The flu?
:'''Waldorf''': No, the show! He's sick of it! (laughs)
:'''Kermit''': Well, uh, don't get lonely up there, okay?
:'''Waldorf''': Not much chance of that. My wife is using Statler's ticket. She's just powdering her nose.
:'''Kermit''': No kidding. I've always wanted to meet your wife.
:''[Astoria, a woman who looks exactly like Statler, appears in the box]''
:'''Astoria''': I thought the show had started! Who's the frog?
:'''Waldorf''': That's Kermit, dear.
:'''Kermit''': What's your wife's name, Waldorf?
:'''Waldorf''': Astoria!

===[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]] [4.16]===
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': It's almost time for the closing number. I'll let you know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Boy, that Old Gypsy Lady gave me a great introduction for the closing number, now I get to take over from here. (clears his throat) Now let's thank our guest star, the king of comedy genius, Jonathan Winters! YAY!
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': Thank you, Beauregard. I have never so felt alive before, it was a nice Svensky.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': That's it for now. I'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.

===[[Mark Hamill]] [4.17]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well folks, our own Scooter has prepared an act for us. He can't play very well, but he's worked very hard on this, and after listening to Mark and Angus Gershwin Gargling, anything should sound good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Do you think there's life in outer space?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': There's certainly none in this theater. ''[both laugh]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kermit''': What do you do, Mark?
:'''[[Mark Hamill]]''': ''[imitating Kermit]'' Oh, uh, well, you know, I've been known to do impressions. Yaaay!
:'''Kermit''': Mm-hm. Who do you do? ''[Mark looks perplexed]''

===[[Christopher Reeve]] [4.18]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, this has been an evening to remember.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Why?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': I forgot. ''[Both laugh]''

===[[w:Lynda Carter|Lynda Carter]] [4.19]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Lynda Carter, Lynda Carter?
:'''[[w:Lynda Carter|Lynda Carter]]''': I know, I know, 20 seconds to curtains.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': WOW! You can read my mind!
:'''[[w:Lynda Carter|Lynda Carter]]''': No! I am reading the script.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': No! Kermit wouldn't allow a script.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Holy guacamole! This looks like a job for Wonder Pig!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': How come chickens are getting so big on this show?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, chickens thrive on corn. [both laugh and clucking]

===[[w:Andy Williams|Andy Williams]] [4.22]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I'm going to see my lawyer!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Why?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I'm going to find out if you can sue a show for breach of taste!

===[[Diana Ross]] [4.24]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''':'' [running on-stage]'' Hiya! Hiya! Hiya! Hiya! ''[the crowd boos loudly at him; runs off-stage]'' Bye-a! Bye-a! Bye-a! Bye-a!
:''[Waldorf holds up a score card that says &quot;1&quot;]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You gave him a one?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': He's never been better.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': Is this the end of ''Pigs in Space''?
:'''Audience''': YES!
:'''Narrator''': Then tune in next time for another....
:'''Audience''': NO!
:'''Narrator''': All right, then, don't. See if I care.

==Season 5 (1980-1981)==

===[[w:Loretta Swit|Loretta Swit]] [5.1]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Congratulations, Kermit.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': On what?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': That photographer from Tongue Magazine. You and Miss Piggy are being secretly married down in Las Vegas.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[Gasp and shocked]'' Piggy, PIGGY?!?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Yes, mon cheri?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Piggy, have you been planting items about us in the gossip  papers again?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Um, well... what would make you think a thing like that?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': That photographer who was just here. He was from Tongue Magazine.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Oh. Well, it was just a teeny tiny item.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': IT WAS A COVER STORY, ABOUT US BEING SECRETLY MARRIED!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': It's just a slight exaggeration.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': THAT'S A BOLD-FACE LIE, PIGGY!!! I WILL NOT STAND AROUND WHEN YOU DO DUMB THINGS LIKE THAT! YOU HAVE DONE TOO ME TO MANY TIMES, PIGGY. I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT! NO, I WON'T STAND FOR IT!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Then what are going to do?!?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': I WILL TELL YOU WHAT I AM GOING TO DO, PIGGY! I AM GOING TO &quot;FIRE&quot; YOU! PIGGY, YOU ARE FIRED! YOU ARE FIRED, PIGGY! YOU ARE FIRED, FIRED! ''[Takes deep breaths from his meltdown]''
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': You're kidding.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': I am not kidding!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': But I am supposed be in the next number.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': I will and I can. ''[To the intercom]'' Please, Cancel the next number. Bring in the snores chorus on stage.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': You can't fire me. I am actress, model.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': YOU CAN BE REPLACED, YOU KNOW.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': BOSS, The Snorers are putting the audience to sleep.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Alright, I'll introduce Loretta, then. SNORERS, GET OFF THE STAGE!!!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': They can't fire me.
:'''One of the snorers''': I don't know, I was sleeping all the time.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': AND NOW ''[Calmly]'' And now ladies and gentlemen, here is our special guest star, Miss Loretta Swit! YAYYYYYYYY!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Loretta Swit|Loretta Swit]]''': Who going to take over the talent, and one verb?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Well, In Vet's Hospital, I wonder if you can be in it?
:'''[[w:Loretta Swit|Loretta Swit]]''': ''[Goes hyper as she lets go of Miss Piggy]'' I'D LOVE TO!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Oh, Good.
:'''[[w:Loretta Swit|Loretta Swit]]''': Do you think the uniform will fit.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Oh yes, Anybody can do that.
:'''Tongue Magazine Photographer''': Uh, Piggy. Do you work here?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': HAI-YAH! (Kicks the photographer)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Captain Link Hogthrob]]''': HELP! WE BEEN ATTACKED BY A LITTLE GREEN MONSTER!!!
:'''[[w:Dr. Julius Strangepork|Doctor Julius Strangepork]]''': It's worse than that, We got two First Mate Piggies!

===[[w:Tony Randall|Tony Randall]] [5.13]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Boy, you sure are heavy. You must least weighed a ton.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Well, that's good. That means she's lost weight! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Floyd, you shouldn't laugh at Piggy. I mean, she must be terrified.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Terrified? She's petrified! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, great news, Miss Piggy! You'll be back to normal in no time. I just got this new book called, &quot;Sandblasting Without Pain&quot;! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Hey, hey, Gonzo!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Yeah?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Yeah! Did you know that Miss Piggy is very worried about Kermit?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Worried about Kermit? Why?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Well, she's afraid that she'll have to take him for granite! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': OK. OK, guys. Enough with these big cheap shots.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Aw, come on! I've got another page to go yet.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Floyd, how could you be so cruel to a fellow performer? Someone you've known and work with for years. I mean, just take a look at her. She's suffered enough. Have pity upon her.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[affectionally]'' Mmmmmmmm.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Oh, you're right. Well, what will I do with these jokes?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Burn them. ''[leaves to the stage]''
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': ''[to Miss Piggy]'' You heard what the frog said. ''[strikes a match on her]''
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[painfully]'' '''MMMMMMMMMM!!!!!'''
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': ''[laughs]''

===[[w:Mac Davis|Mac Davis]] [5.14]===
:''[Beaker comes up to Piggy and babbles]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Beaker, I told you never to talk to me like that! ''[Beaker exhales heavily and walks off]'' Because I can't understand it.
----
:'''[[w:Dr. Bunsen Honeydew|Dr. Bunsen Honeydew]]''': ''[After getting clones of Beakers on his copying machine]'' I've only got one thing to say! '''HELLLLLLLLP! HELLLLLLLLLLLLP!!''' ''[Runs in a panic attack]''

===[[w:Carol Burnett|Carol Burnett]] [5.15]===
:'''[[w:Carol Burnett|Carol Burnett]]''': Kermit, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but this is one of the three worst shows I've ever seen.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What were the other two?
:'''[[w:Carol Burnett|Carol Burnett]]''': There are no other two; I was just being kind.

===[[w:Gladys Knight|Gladys Knight]] [5.16]===
:''[During the Opening number]''
:'''Archeologist''': Look at them, I think they're glad to see us.
:'''Sacarogi''': When you've been stood up for 4,000 years, you're glad to see ''anybody''!

===[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]] [5.17]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well, It looks like time's running out for us.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yeah, And for the show, too.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': So, Let's bring back our wonderful special guest star, Mr. Hal Linden!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[As he goes on Stage]'' YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': Oh, Kermit. It's good to see you!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': It sure is.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Yeah, Tonight was a disaster.
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': Has it really?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Gee, I thought that was a terrific show.
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': What are you talking about? There was a lot of confusions and chaos, and a lot of running around like mindless maniacs....
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Yeah, Like any good Muppet Show!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': And Hal, You're a big part of it.
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': Oh, Good. I am glad I fit right in.
:''[Everybody laughs]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, Kermit. The show is all yours. We are going back to our seats in the box and stay there. ''[exits the stage]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We didn't know how tough it was down here. From now on, we promise never to say a bad thing about this show again! ''[exits the stage]''.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Oh, good! We'll see you again next time on ''The Muppet Show''.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Bye!

===[[Marty Feldman]] [5.18]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': How should we know how to get to [[Sesame Street]]?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We don't even know how to get out of this stupid theater box!

===[[Debbie Harry]] [5.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': You left out one rainbow song!
:'''[[Debbie Harry]]''': I did? Which one?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': My rainbow song!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Appleby''': Mr. Frog. My boys just did your show, and we never negotiated a deal.

===[[Gene Kelly]] [5.24]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': When will we get there?
:'''[[w:Dr. Julius Strangepork|Dr. Julius Strangepork]]''': In about 1 minute from, NOW!
:''[We see a timer at the bottom of the screen]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''News Anchor''': [As he interrupts the Pigs in Space sketch] And now, A Muppet News Flash. Probably the greatest news story in history. The meaning and purpose of life has just been announced as follow [He looks at the wrong message] Wait a minute. That's the wrong one. Hmm, I had it here a minute a go. Where is it? The meaning of purpose of life? Hmmm [To a crew member] HOW COULD I KEEP TRACK OF THINGS WHEN YOU'RE ALWAYS STRAIGHTENING OUT MY DESK?!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': You are trying to make me feel better. But I know, THE END IS NEAR!!!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': UH, NO! THE END IS NOW! ''[To the audience)]'' We'll see you next time on ''The Muppet Show''!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Are you ready for the end of the world?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Sure! It couldn't be any worse than this show!

===[[w:Glenda Jackson|Glenda Jackson]]===
:'''Kermit''': The show must not go on... because I quit! I give up! Our guest star's a pirate, the theater's sailing out to sea and I'm losing my mind!

==Theme Song==
'''Season 1'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest topic/star(s), Mr./Ms. (insert guest star name)!&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to raise the curtain&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;''[Fozzie'' ''tells a different joke each week]''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': To introduce our guest star&lt;br&gt;That's what I'm here to do.&lt;br&gt;So it really makes me happy&lt;br&gt;To introduce to you...&lt;br&gt;(insert guest star name)!&lt;br&gt;But now let's get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo strikes gong with different effect each week]''

'''Season 2'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest topic/star(s), Mr./Ms. (insert guest star name)!&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to get things started
:''(Statler and Waldorf make a different wisecrack each week)''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

'''Season 3'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest topic/star(s), Mr./Ms. (insert guest star name)! (Yaaaaaaaaaay!)&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to get things started&lt;br&gt;'''Audience''': Why don't you get things started?
:''(Statler and Waldorf make a different wisecrack each week)''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

'''Season 4'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest star/topic(s) (insert guest star name)! (Yaaaaaaaaaay!)&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to get things started&lt;br&gt;'''Audience''': Why don't you get things started?
:''(Statler and Waldorf make a different wisecrack each week)''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

'''Season 5'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest star/topic(s) (insert guest star name)! (Yaaaaaaaaaay!)&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to raise the curtain on The Muppet Show tonight!&lt;br&gt;'''Waldorf''': Why do we always come here?&lt;br&gt;'''Statler''': I guess we'll never know.&lt;br&gt;'''Waldorf''': It's like a kind of torture. &lt;br&gt;'''Both''': To have to watch the show!
:&quot;[Animal drum solo and Lips trumpet solo]&quot;&lt;br&gt; '''Cast''': And now let's get things started! &lt;br&gt; '''Audience''': Why don't you get things started?&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0074028|title=The Muppet Show}}
* [http://muppets.go.com The Online Home of Muppet Studios]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Muppet Show, The}}
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:American TV shows featuring puppetry]]
[[Category:UK TV shows featuring puppetry]]
[[Category:ITV shows]]</text>
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'''''[[w:The Muppet Show|The Muppet Show]]''''' (1976–1981) was the brainchild of [[ Jim Henson]], and featured [[w:The Muppets|The Muppets]], a group of puppets and costumed characters. The general set up was a &quot;live&quot; variety show hosted by [[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]. Each episode featured several &quot;on stage&quot; sketches, usually starring the week's guest star, interspersed with backstage scenes.

==Season 1 (1976-1977)==

===[[w:Juliet Prowse|Juliet Prowse]]===
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': That's one of the reasons I always thought the Muppets are weird.
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Why is that?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': They think explosions are funny. Explosions aren't funny. ''[Statler's cigar explodes]'' ...Although, some of them are really quite droll.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ''[after Juliet called him &quot;the [[w:Robert Redford|Robert Redford]] of frogs&quot;]'' You're gonna be coming back on this show a LOT! I mean it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yeah, whadya think?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Beats sitting home watching television.
:'''[[w:Mah Nà Mah Nà|Mahna Mahna]]''': Mahna Mahna!

===[[w:Connie Stevens|Connie Stevens]]/[[w:Bert and Ernie|Bert and Ernie]] [1.02]===
:'''[[w:Bert and Ernie|Bert]]''': Ernie... did I make a complete fool of myself?
:'''[[w:Bert and Ernie|Ernie]]''': ''[patting Bert's shoulder]'' Absolutely, Bert.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Hm. Do you think this show is educational?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yes. It'll drive people to read books.

===[[Joel Grey]] [1.03]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Bug off? What kind of joke was that?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': That was no joke, Fozzie.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': That was my wife!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': More! More!
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': No, not so loud: they may hear you!

===[[w:Ruth Buzzi|Ruth Buzzi]] [1.04]===
:'''Robot Kermit''': Hey, listen, how about you, and me getting together, and making some ''steam'' heat. Huh, snuggle bunny?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Snuggle bunny? Why, uh...
:'''Robot Kermit''': Yeah. Look, let me take you away from all this. Ah, a marriage made in heaven! A frog and a pig. And we can have bouncing baby figs!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well, did you like the show?
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': No I didn't. No I didn't. No I didn't.

===[[Rita Moreno]] [1.05]===
:'''Dancer''': I hear you come from a broken home.
:'''[[w:Animal (muppet)|Animal]]''': Yeah, I broke it myself!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler_%26_Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yes, uh, well, uhn-huh. I still couldn't find the chewing gum.

===[[w:Jim Nabors|Jim Nabors]] [1.06]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Your salary is 20 a week.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Could you make it 25?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Are you kidding? I can't afford it!
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Gee, my uncle will be really disappointed.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': How about 30?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Pay up, they made it through another one.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Double or nothing on next week's show?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': You're on.

===[[w:Florence Henderson|Florence Henderson]] [1.07]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Can we get back to the subject at hand... Florence?
:'''[[w:Florence Henderson|Florence]]''': Well, there's no question in my mind!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ''[after a pause]'' As to what?
:'''[[w:Florence Henderson|Florence]]''': Nothing! There's no question in my mind! Ha ha! No answers either.

===[[Paul Williams (songwriter)|Paul Williams]] [1.08]===
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Janice]]''': That man is annoying me.
:'''[[w:Zoot (muppet)|Zoot]]''': He isn't even looking at you.
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Janice]]''': That's what's annoying me.

===[[w:Charles Aznavour|Charles Aznavour]] [1.09]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, Kermit, are you busy?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Yes, Gonzo, but I can give you my ear for a minute.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': What would I do with your ear?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ''[exasperated]'' Van Gogh impressions.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gonzo''': You'll all see because there's only one Great Gonzo, only one!
:'''Kermit''': Thank goodness for that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr Bob]]''': This is D for Doc B for Bob saying turn off the Joy Juice ''[laughs then puts gas mask to his left ear]'' Hmm? ''[speaks into it]'' Ten-Roger, OK where were we? Pulse?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': ''[checks pulse and gasps]'' No pulse, Dr. Bob.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr Bob]]''': Hmmm, Heartbeat?
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Nurse Janice]]''': ''[checks heartbeat]'' No heartbeat, Dr. Bob.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr Bob]]''': No pulse, no heartbeat, no use. He's gone!
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Nurse Janice]]''': And Dr Bob your record was so good, you saved nine out of ten.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr Bob]]''': My record is still good, this week he was ten.
:'''Announcer''': And so Dr Bob's record is still good, it is top on the medical fame, with a bullet, tune in next when we will hear nurse Piggy say...
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': I hope nobody hears about this Dr. Bob.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Dr Bob]]''': At least ''he'' won't say anything, hahaha!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': I get it! haha! I get it! (laughs with him)

===[[w:Harvey Korman|Harvey Korman]] [1.10]===
:'''[[w:Harvey Korman|Harvey Korman]]''': ''[as Maurice the Magnificent]'' Speak. Speak you demon, SPEAK!
:'''Thog''': ''[gulps]'' I hardly know where to begin.

===[[Lena Horne]] [1.11]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well, Piggy, sometimes, the truth hurts.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Hurt? I'll show you hurt! HAI-YA! ''[karate-chops Kermit]''

===[[Peter Ustinov]] [1.12]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Okay, okay, good bit, good bit, good ending, and sorry about the head.

===[[w:Bruce Forsyth|Bruce Forsyth]] [1.13]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': My cousin is ''so'' dumb, he thinks eggs Benedict is a Mafia gangster!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I've seen ''cheeseburgers'' funnier than that!

===[[w:Sandy Duncan|Sandy Duncan]] [1.14]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': ...and so, that means our show tonight will be a real bang up affar-
:'''[[w:Crazy Harry|Crazy Harry]]''': Did somebody say bang?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, no. ''[Gets blown into Statler and Waldorf's box]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Would you lend me a fiver till pay day? I gotta pay my writer, the legendary 'Gags' Beasley.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': The legendary 'Gags' comes pretty cheap, doesn't he?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Well, we worked out a great deal.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': You pay him by the line?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': No, I pay him by the laugh.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh, then he owes you money.

===[[w:Candice Bergen|Candice Bergen]] [1.15]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Kermit, dear, did you know that every time we have a beautiful girl on this show, you forget about me?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Yeah, well, we could have a seal act on this show, Piggy, and I might forget about you.

===[[w:Avery Schreiber|Avery Schreiber]] [1.16]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Bunsen Honeydew|Dr. Bunsen Honeydew]]''': Think of the safety. Think of the sense of well-being. And, at last, your family can be protected from the heartbreak of gorilla invasion.

===[[w:Ben Vereen|Ben Vereen]] [1.17]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Nurse Piggy]]''': It's too late, Dr. Bob. We've lost him.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Doctor Bob]]''': Well, he couldn't have gone so far. He was under the sheet just a second ago.

===[[w:Phyllis Diller|Phyllis Diller]] [1.18]===
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Rowlf the Dog]]''': You think that's bad? For the first three months of my life there was a newspaper strike!

===[[Vincent Price]] [1.19]===
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': If you are like me, and you certainly must be, you are appalled and shocked at the weird, unnatural things going on tonight.

:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': This go-fer's about to become a gone-fer.

===[[w:Valerie Harper|Valerie Harper]] [1.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': That was great! And, you are just wonderful, Valerie! I tell you, you are going out on that stage a star, but you are gonna be coming back a chorus girl, right?

===[[Twiggy]] [1.21]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': I – I was just in my star's dressing room, and I saw the most ghoulish, fiendish-looking face in the closet!
:'''Hilda''': That was me, clown! And I was hanging up the wardrobe.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Uncle Deadly''': I swore I would never perform here again, nor would anyone else. I will drive you all from this theatre. LEAVE OR BE DOOOOOOOOOMED! ''[He switches to a normal voice]'' Which way do I exit?

===[[Ethel Merman]] [1.22]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[giving Ethel roses]'' Miss Merman, from all of us, to you.
:'''[[Ethel Merman|Ethel]]''': Oh, how kind of you, Miss Piggy...they won't explode, will they?

===[[w:Kaye Ballard|Kaye Ballard]] [1.23]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Me and the gang have decided not to end our gig here.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh, good!
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': ''If''...
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh-huh? If what?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': If I can write the new theme song.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh! Oh, that'll be fine with me.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': No, it won't, man.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, why not?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': You'll hate my music! You won't understand it!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well, now listen here. I-I'm pretty hip too, you know.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Not hip enough. Nobody understands my music. I mean, I don't even understand it.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': You don't?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': If I didn't know I was a genius, I wouldn't listen to the trash I write.

===[[w:Mummenschanz|Mummenschanz]] [1.24]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': ''[singing while following Miss Piggy]'' She kissed me! She put her arms around me and she kissed me!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[humiliated]'' It was that case of the mistaken identity!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hug me, Miss Piggy! Hold me!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': I will not hug you, you...twit turkey!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh, hold my hand, pig-of-my-dreams!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Will you beat it, twerp?!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Just touch me, oh, hog-of-my-heart!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Here's a touch for you, wimp-buzzard!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': I'm ready!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': HAI-YA! ''[karate-chops Gonzo, and leaves]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': ''[singing dazed]'' She touched me...She swung her porky pinkies and she touched me! ''[faints]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': [[w:Miss Piggy|Piggy]], while I appreciate this offer of affection, I hope you will understand when I tell you, as usual, that I do not want you.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh, then can I have her?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': HAI-YA! ''[standing between Kermit and Gonzo, she karate-chops both of them, one with each hand]'' That is known as getting two turkeys with one chop.

==Season 2 (1977-1978)==

===[[w:Don Knotts|Don Knotts]] [2.01]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I know what is wrong, with this show, it's the theater!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': What's wrong with it?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': The seats face the stage!

===[[Zero Mostel]] [2.02]===
:'''[[Zero Mostel|Zero]]''': I am not in my dressing room, eating! I am in my dressing room, being eaten!
----
:'''Sam the Eagle''': I think you know why I am here.
:'''Kermit the Frog''': Uh, actually, Sam, to tell you the truth, I've never known why you're here.

===[[Milton Berle]] [2.03]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': Funny, Funny, FUNNY!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Uh-Huh! Uh-Huh! I heard about them before, it's beginning. You're the two guys that I heard about that heckle from the box, huh? There they are ladies and gentlemen. Take a good look at them. Starski &amp; Crutch. Now don't start with me boys, don't start...
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Hey, Berle!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': What?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You know what? I've just figured out your style.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Really?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You work like [[w:Gregory Peck|Gregory Peck]].
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Gregory Peck's not a comedian.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Now just a minute, please. I have been a successful comedian half of my life.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': How come we got this half?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Look, did you two come in here to be entertained or not?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': That's right.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': What's right?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We came in here to be entertained, and we're not!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, yeah? I'd like to see you come down here and be funny.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': You first!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': &quot;Ha, ha, ha&quot;, the audience! &quot;Ha, ha, ha&quot;! Don't pay any attention to him, folks. He's the ninth child of a family of eight! Let me tell the story.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Hey, hey, Berle!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Ohhh... Yeah, what is it? What is it?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You know what you're doing wrong?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': What'm I doing wrong?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You're standing too close to the audience.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, yeah? ''[steps back]'' How is this?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You're still too close.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, sorry. ''[steps back more]'' Is this okay?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': No, a little more.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': How far back do you want me to go?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You got a car?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Let me tell you something: If you don't stop, I'll have the usher throw you out!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': He can't. He's too busy.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Doing what?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Keeping people in!
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': ''[to the audience]'' And you're encouraging them! That's what you're doing! ''[to Statler and Waldorf]'' You know, I got a good mind to punch you in your nose.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Please, not while I'm holding it.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': That's very funny.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Ah, you can use it.
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': I don't need your material, pal. I got a million funny lines in the back of my head.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Yeah? How come they never reach your mouth?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, how's it going, Mr. Berle?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Oh, I'm gonna start with you, now. &quot;How's it going?&quot; It's going terribly. It's going -- these guys have been picking on me, insulting me, ever since I started.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Well, could I help you out?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': Please, huh?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Which way did you came in?
:'''[[Milton Berle]]''': ''[grabs Gonzo by the nose and pushes him aside]'' Get outta here! I've had it, I've had it! Here we go AGAIN!!

===[[w:Rich Little|Rich Little]] [2.04]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': A tap-dancing chicken act? Gonzo, I've never heard of anything as ridiculous as a dancing chicken.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': How about a talking frog?

===[[w:Judy Collins|Judy Collins]] [2.05]===
:'''J.P.''': ''[on the phone]'' Yeah, well, sell the hotel on Pennsylvania Avenue, buy all your railroads, and don't forget the 200 dollars, and let him go straight to jail.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[approaches the podium for the announcement]'' I just wanted to know that following that last piece of material, I am disassociating myself from this whole, weird, SICK show! ''[to somebody]'' What do I do? ''[leaves the podium]''

===[[w:Nancy Walker|Nancy Walker]] [2.06]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, Fozzie, what is on stage next?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': I don't know, what's on stage now?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Nothing.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': NOTHING'S ON STAGE?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Before we go, We will like to thank tonight's special guest star, Miss Nancy (ACHOOO!)
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Awww, you blew it, too. It's Nancy Walker.

===[[Edgar Bergen]] [2.07]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': You have to treat the chickens pretty well, because they've got a very tough union.

===[[Steve Martin]] [2.08]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[depressing]'' Thank you. And welcome to a very moment here on The Muppet Show. I am sorry but I got some bad news to tell you.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Maybe we came at last.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Maybe the show has been cancelled.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Tonight's show has been cancelled.
:''[Both Statler and Waldorf were shocked]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Have I died and gone to Heaven?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Well, you see, I just misread my calendar. The show has been cancelled tonight, because we are opening auditions for new acts. You are welcome to see it, but I don't think there will any excitements.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]:''' ''[to Kermit, off-screen]'' Should we stay or Should we go?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[to Statler and Waldorf]'' Why don't you two take the night off? ''[to the entire audience]'' Well, we might as well bring up the house lights and say good night to everybody.
:''[The audiences leaves in disappointment]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Listen, it's very healthy to see what other people in the field are doing. And it is an enriching experience.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Yeah.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Hey, Scooter, what's next?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Oh, it's a guy named Lenny the Lizard. And he's an emcee.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What the hey?

===[[Madeline Kahn]] [2.09]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Well, she's nothing like you at all. She is beautiful, and she's got this cute little nose... ''[sniffs]'' and she's intelligent... ''[sniffs]'' and talented...

===[[George Burns]] [2.10]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I'm sorry, but we don't allow any reporters backstage during the show.
:'''Fleet''': What a headline! Muppet's Bad Press: Reporter Thrown Out By A Frog!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Now, wait! On the other hand, can I offer you a cup of coffee?
:'''Fleet''': What a headline! Frog Bribes Reporter: Muppet's Desperate For Publicity!

===[[w:Dom DeLuise|Dom DeLuise]] [2.11]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I mean, you know, if you can afford to pay off the audience, and buy all those flowers, and the fur, and the mail, and all that stuff...

===[[w:Bernadette Peters|Bernadette Peters]] [2.12]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': ''[after Miss Mousey's number]'' Boo! Hiss! Terrible! I hated it!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Really? I kind of liked it.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well, the pig doesn't have you in a hammerlock! Boo!

===[[Rudolf Nureyev]] [2.13]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth|Dr. Teeth]]''': Hey, hey, what's this bummer called again?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Minuet in G Major.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth|Dr. Teeth]]''': Uh, we'll send it back in to the minors.

===[[Elton John]] [2.14]===
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': At least we could have brought a TV set. I'm missing all of my favorite bowling shows.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': You and your bowling shows! He cries at the sad parts.
:''[Alarm went off on the control deck]''
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': What does that red light mean?
:'''[[w:Dr. Julius Strangepork|Dr. Julius Strangepork]]''': Well, The red light means stop, The green light means go, and the yellow light means....
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': No! No! No! Not traffic light, That light on the control panel.
:'''[[w:Dr. Julius Strangepork|Dr. Julius Strangepork]]''': Oh, That light. Well, That means we are invaded by alien beings.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We're look like members of the rock age!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': We're look more like members of the Stone Age! ''[Both laugh]''

===[[w:Lou Rawls|Lou Rawls]] [2.15]===
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Oh, no, you couldn't take Animal on any long road trips, Lou.
:'''[[w:Lou Rawls|Lou]]''': Why not, man? The cat is good.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': No, you couldn't get a long enough chain!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Fozzie has fallen off the stage]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': He was doing okay until he fell off the stage.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Wrong. He was doing okay until he ''came on'' the stage.

===[[w:Cleo Laine|Cleo Laine]] [2.16]===
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': First Mate Miss Piggy.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Er, yes, sir!
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': Did you shave this morning?

===[[Julie Andrews]] [2.17]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': ''[to the cow]'' Wow, you have got a great pair of legs! In fact, she's got two great pairs of legs!

===[[w:Jaye P. Morgan|Jaye P. Morgan]] [2.18]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I can't tell you what a thrill it is to have you on this show.
:'''[[w:Jaye P. Morgan|Jaye P.]]''': Oh, thank you, Kermit. Nice of you to say so. I'd like to say I'm really indifferent about being here.

===[[Peter Sellers]] [2.19]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Kermit! Kermit! Oh, no...the next act couldn't make it, it's been cancelled.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What? But that was a terrific act! Prunella And Her Prancing Poultry!
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Yeah. I know, yeah...Kermit, about that poultry, you see, yesterday...the duck hunting season began.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Dr. Bunsen Honeydew|Dr. Bunsen Honeydew]]''': Well, I'm just bubbly with excitement.

===[[Petula Clark]] [2.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, ladies and gentlemen, Switzerland has given us some watches, some chocolate, and some silliness. And, we take you now to the Alps for the latter.

===[[Bob Hope]] [2.21]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Kermit, cancel my bread impersonation act! They didn't deliver my poppy seeds. You wouldn't want me to walk out there NAKED, would you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Bob Hope]]''': Are you ready to the song?
:'''The Talking Horse''': Sure, Why not!
:'''[[Bob Hope]]''': Yeah, But wait a minute. We are in the middle of the desert. And where is the music coming from?
:'''The Talking Horse''': Well, There is a tape deck in the saddle.
:'''[[Bob Hope]]''': (Ejects the cassette from the tape deck, and reads at the audio cassette) (To the audience) Stereophonic horse! (Puts the cassette back into the tape deck)

===[[w:Teresa Brewer|Teresa Brewer]] [2.22]===
:'''First Mate [[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': All right, that does it! I refuse to continue this sketch, did you hear me?
:'''Capt. [[w:Link Hogthrob|Link Hogthrob]]''': Sketch? What sketch? This is the Swinetrek, we're lost in endless space!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': This is a cheap-shot comedy sketch, and I'll lay you odds the frog wrote it!

===[[John Cleese]] [2.23]===
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': I'd be Long John Silverstine! Deadliest pirate of the seven seas!
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Link]]''': You can't be a pirate!
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': Of course I'm a pirate! I have a hat, a parrot and a hook. What else should I be? A management consultant?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Parrot''': You don't love me any more.
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': Of course I love you. I'm working now!
:'''Parrot''': And you're making a lousy job of it.
:'''[[John Cleese]]''': ''[pulling a gun]'' You wanna be [[Monty Python's Flying Circus|an ex-parrot]]?

===[[Cloris Leachman]] [2.24]===
:'''[[Cloris Leachman|Cloris]]''': All right then, I'll spell it out for you. You are a pig. P-I-G. You are not a frog. F-R-O-G. No, you are not a frog, and nothing that you say will ever convince me that you a frog. Nothing!
:'''Kermit the Pig''': Ribbit? Ribbit, rib-bit?
:'''[[Cloris Leachman|Cloris]]''': Oh, Kermit, it is you!

==Season 3 (1978-1979)==

===[[Kris Kristofferson]] &amp; [[w:Rita Coolidge|Rita Coolidge]] [3.01]===
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Gladys, what's the soup du jour?
:'''Gladys''': Same as yesterday.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Good, I'll have that and a chicken.
:'''Gladys''': How do you want your chicken? Baked, broiled, or barbecued?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': I want the chicken for company! I hate dining alone.

===[[w:Leo Sayer|Leo Sayer]] [3.02]===
:'''Annie Sue''': ''[to Miss Piggy]'' I never thought it could happen. I've been an admirer of yours ever since I was a little baby, you know?

===[[w:Roy Clark|Roy Clark]] [3.03]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What's all this smoke?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Uh... that is not smoke.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It is not smoke? Then what is it?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': It's jet exhaust.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Jet exhaust?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Oh, look out! Here comes another one!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': ''[to the stage hands in the rafters]'' Hey, somebody kill that light!
:''[Machine gun fire is heard as he turns his back. At the same time that a spotlight drops down, Scooter turns behind him in surprise]''

===[[Gilda Radner]] [3.04]===
:'''[[Gilda Radner|Gilda]]''': ''[to Bunsen]'' Well, do you see. I don't mind assisting, but I'm not crazy about the idea of guinea-pigging.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kermit''': Now I'm stuck on you! 
:'''Miss Piggy''': Oh, at last, my frog wants me! Oh, thank you! ''[She notices he's literally stuck on her]'' Oh... Oh... Will you let... Will you — Get away from me! What is this?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''':: Good night!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': So long!
:''[Their hands are stuck in the handrail]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': (in unison) OH NO!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wayne''': Sorry I was late. I had to change the bus across town, and the traffic was terrible.
:'''Miss Piggy''': Never mind. Just get me out of here.
:'''Wayne''': ''[noticing Uncle Deadly's boots]'' Say, I know those boots. Weren't you a flamenco dancer in Kansas City?
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Why yes, I was.
:'''Wayne''': Harry's Boom Boom Room?
:'''Uncle Deadly''': You caught my act? 
:'''Wayne''': I could never figure out how you did that passé double thing, though.
:'''Miss Piggy''': ''Paso doble''.
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Oh, quite simple, my boy. Quite simple. Music, maestro, please.
:'''Miss Piggy''': Music?! ''[Uncle Deadly starts to dance. Miss Piggy turns to the camera in disbelief. Uncle Deadly's feet come dangerously close to her hands]'' What? Hey, hey. Cool it up there.
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Now to the Passionato del Thunderdoor, you give it an extra little flourish.
:'''Miss Piggy''': Watch it!
:'''Wayne''': ''[to Uncle Deadly]'' Aha! You mean like this? ''[He starts dancing as well]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Whoo-hoo, hee-ha, hold it. Easy! Down, boy. Hold it. Hoo, hey. Cool it.
:'''Uncle Deadly''': Almost, almost. No, more like... ''[He shows Wayne the dance again. Wayne joins in]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Hey! Hey! Hey, Deadly... Hey, wait, hey. ''[Wayne steps on Piggy's hands, causing her to lose her grip and fall off the cliff screaming. Uncle Deadly and Wayne congratulate each other on their dancing]'' I suppose you think that's funny!

===[[Pearl Bailey]] [3.05]===
:'''[[w:Janice (muppet)|Janice]]''': I mean, you know, Kermit, sometimes I don't know what space you are coming from.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well, it's just a regular backstage space.

===[[w:Jean Stapleton|Jean Stapleton]] [3.06]===
:'''[[w:Jean Stapleton|Jean Stapleton]]''': It's about this next number - I would really rather not do it.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What, you mean the number with the pigs dressed as pirates, and the chickens playing some bagpipes, and you dancing with a 7-foot door knob?
:'''[[w:Jean Stapleton|Jean Stapleton]]''': Hmm. It's just one cliche after another.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I liked that last number.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': What did you like about it?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': It was the LAST number! ''[they both laugh]''

===[[Alice Cooper]] [3.07]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Boy, it wasn't spooky like this when [[Julie Andrews]] did the show!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[enters Alice's dressing room]'' Mr. Cooper.
:'''[[w:Alice Cooper|Alice Cooper]]''': ''[turns to face Sam with his heavy metal makeup on his face]'' Yes?
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[horrified]'' Oh, good grief! Let me come right to the point. You, sir, are a demented, sick, degenerate, barbaric, naughty...freako!
:'''[[w:Alice Cooper|Alice Cooper]]''': ''[flattered]'' Why, thank you!
:'''[[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]]''': ''[ashamed of this reaction]'' Freakos: one, civilization: zero. ''[leaves Alice Cooper behind]''

===[[Loretta Lynn]] [3.08]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Gonzo, I should never have let you talk me into doing the show from a railroad depot.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': But it was the only place available! They were having a tournament at the bowling alley.

===[[w:Liberace|Liberace]] [3.09]===
:'''Door Guard''': Liberace uses no chickens in his concert.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Oh, then maybe he'll see me.
:'''Guard''': He's only seeing birds.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': I'm a bird. Yeah, I am a, I am a turkey.
:'''Guard''': You are not a real turkey.
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Are you kidding? Have you seen my act?

===[[w:Marisa Berenson|Marisa Berenson]] [3.10]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I just want to know more about this wedding sketch, I mean. I've got to learn my lines, Piggy.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Well.. you only have one line.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': I do?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Exactly.

:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Do it!

===[[Raquel Welch]] [3.11]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': You see, my problem was my need to tell jokes.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]]''': Yeah! And that was our problem, too! ''[laughs]''

===[[w:James Coco|James Coco]] [3.12]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': You know, I really like the water.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Oh, I am glad.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Which means, after we're married, we can live at your place.

===[[Helen Reddy]] [3.13]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Hey Beau, I've got a job for you!
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Oh, good.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Yeah. Just look at this mess.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Okay, that sounds easy enough.

===[[Harry Belafonte]] [3.14]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': ''[handing Rowlf a script]'' Hey, guys, guys – here is the musical moment for this week.
:'''[[w:Rowlf the Dog|Rowlf the Dog]]''': Uh... ''[reading]'' Curtains open. Lew Zealand and Rowlf do something funny. Curtains close.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Go get them!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': And we leave nothing to chance, huh?
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie]]''': Trust me.

===[[w:Lesley Ann Warren|Lesley Ann Warren]] [3.15]===
:'''[[w:Lesley Ann Warren|Lesley]]''': You know, Kermit, I thought you were the only person on this show who wasn't crazy.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Me, not crazy? I hired the others.

===[[w:Leslie Uggams|Leslie Uggams]]/[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]][3.18]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Holy maracas!
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh, hi. I'm Big Bird.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Huh. No kidding.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': I'm a friend of Kermit's.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Oh.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Yeah, we both come from the same neighborhood. Sesame Street.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''':: Oh. Isn't that that cute little children's show with puppets?
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Uh-huh. And who are you?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Who am I? I am Miss Piggy.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh. Well, do you work around here?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Uh, listen, yellow thing. Do you see that star here?
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh, yes. It's very pretty.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': And, uh, do you know why it is there?
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Well, uh... Perfect attendance?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': I am the singing star of this show.
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': A singing pig? That's very funny! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Kiss your feathers goodbye, bird! Hai-ya! ''[swings at Big Bird, but he doubles over and she misses and falls]''
:'''[[w:Big Bird|Big Bird]]''': Oh, you do acrobatics, too. ''[To the audience]'' She's very versatile.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Have we ever said that this show is for the birds?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Yes, and we'll keep saying it until it gets a laugh.

===[[w:Elke Sommer|Elke Sommer]] [3.19]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Thank you, Thank you, And welcome again to The Muppet Show. And we have great show because our guest star is on our favorite German actress, Mrs. Elke Sommer. But before we get to her, Ladies and Gentlemen: Bobby Benson's Baby Band!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Martha''': George, wake up! I think I hear prowlers.
:'''George''': Oh Martha, go back to sleep.

===[[Sylvester Stallone]] [3.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Welcome to The Muppet Show. We have great show tonight, Because our special guest star a famous director, screen writer, and the star of the popular movie called ''[[Rocky]]'', [[Sylvester Stallone]].
:''[A group teenage girls jumps to the stage]''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[To the girls]'' GET OUT OF THERE! ''[To the audience]'' Sorry about that, folks. Now anyways, We will like to start with a little Hawaiian number.
:'''One of the teenaged girl''': Is Sylvester going to wear a Hawaiian skirt?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[To the girl]'' NO! HE IS NOT IN THE OPENING NUMBER! Please get back to seat. Uh, Curtains.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Birdie? Is that you? It is you. Oh. You came back to me. Hey, everybody. Let's change that tone.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Wow. I have a bird. Everyone, this is Birdie. Birdie, this is everyone. Isn't she cute?
:(they touched their noses)
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': You're my best friend!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Animal reunion.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Gonzo, this is Birdie.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Wow, a real bird. So nice to have you here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Customer]]''': (laughing, stiffing)
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Okay, Well, The time has come to say goodbye. Because we don't have much else to say.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': And if you're worried about Fozzie. Rest assure, he is scared.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': But before we go, let's have one last round of applause for the one and only, Sylvester Stallone!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': And his pet Birdie!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''':  YAYYYYYYYYYY!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Yippee!
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Oh, thank you, Gonzo. Birdie thanks you too. Well, Kermit. I had a wonderful time. And Birdie came back. I only hope I didn't hurt the talking punching bag.
:'''The Punching Bag''': Hey, what hurt? Come on, Stallone, give us one for old time's sake.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': OK. [He punches the punching bag]
:'''The Punching Bag''': (chuckles) Hey, Stallone, that's my kind of guy.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Okay. That's it for now.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Thank you again for telling me.
:'''[[Sylvester Stallone]]''': Thanks for seeing Birdie. You made me the happiest star of all.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show! You all have been a wonderful laugh track.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, they say all good things come to an end.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': What's that got to do with this show?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': (chuckles)

===[[w:Roger Miller|Roger Miller]] [3.21]===
:''[Statler &amp; Waldorf chuckling]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': I bet you were expecting chickens.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Woof Woof Woof!
:''[Statler &amp; Waldorf laugh]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Woof Woof!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Woof Woof!

===[[w:Roy Rogers|Roy Rogers]] and [[w:Dale Evans|Dale Evans]] [3.22]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Usually at this time, I would have said good night to the audience, But do you mind if you can say it, Your way?
:'''[[w:Roy Rogers|Roy Rogers]]''': Oh I'll be glad too. ''[To the audience]'' Until we again, on screen, or in person, Good night and good luck, and make good lord liking you.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!

===[[w:Cheryl Ladd|Cheryl Ladd]] [3.24]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Uh, Gonzo, that is terrible! I'm not going to introduce you for a crummy act like that!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Sic 'em!
:...
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': O.K! O.K! O.K! O.K! I'll introduce him.
:'''Chicken''': Meow!!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Ungh! And now, here he is, ladies and gentlemen, uh, your one and you're welcome to him, Gonzo the Great! Off, off, off, off, off!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': Thank you! Thank you! And now, students of the occult, I shall demonstrate my amazing, powers of hypnosis. I shall place a member of the audience in a chance, aided only by the mysterious strength of hypnotic suggestion. My subject would support with only one hand, this 5000 pound weight. Who will the 1st, lucky volunteer? It's just a question of mind over matter.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': That's right! You don't mind and we don't matter!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': You'll live to regret this!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We intend to.
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': But I just do not understand, you people! Immortality is out for grahams! But you don't deserve it!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': No, but you do!
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': What a terrific idea! I'll hypnotize myself. I'll go down in history! Ahem. Look deep into my eyes! Make my mind a complete blank. My eye-lids are getting heavy. I am falling into my power. When I count 3, I will have the strength of an army! 1, 2, 3! Release the ropes!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': That's very impressive! But how do you get out of it?
:'''[[w:Gonzo the Great|Gonzo]]''': It's simple. I just snap my fingers! Ungh! Hey, Kermit, it went terrific!

==Season 4 (1979-1980)==

===[[w:Shields and Yarnell|Shields and Yarnell]] [4.3]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Just when you think the show is terrible, something wonderful happens.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': What?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': It ends. ''[Both laugh]''

===[[Dudley Moore]] [4.7]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Oh Dudley, Dudley Moore, Fifteen seconds to Curtain, Mr. Moore!
:'''[[Dudley Moore]]''': (As he tries to tune his piano) Thank you, Scooter. But you see, I am having a bit a trouble getting this piano tuned. Can you give me an A?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Sure, Easy! ''[Uses a hand gun to shoot at the ceiling and it reveals the letter A!]''

===[[Liza Minnelli]] [4.9]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': ''[Statler and Waldorf are in prison uniforms in a prison cell in the balcony]'' How long are we here for?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Twenty years.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': If I'd known that judge was giving us the box, I'd have asked for the chair. ''[Both laugh]''

===[[Kenny Rogers]] [4.10]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler and Waldorf]]''': ''[singing]'' Why don't they make things funny?

===[[w:Dizzy Gillespie|Dizzy Gillespie]] [4.13]===
:'''Waldorf''': Statler isn't here tonight, Kermit! He's sick!
:'''Kermit''': Oh, that's too bad. The flu?
:'''Waldorf''': No, the show! He's sick of it! (laughs)
:'''Kermit''': Well, uh, don't get lonely up there, okay?
:'''Waldorf''': Not much chance of that. My wife is using Statler's ticket. She's just powdering her nose.
:'''Kermit''': No kidding. I've always wanted to meet your wife.
:''[Astoria, a woman who looks exactly like Statler, appears in the box]''
:'''Astoria''': I thought the show had started! Who's the frog?
:'''Waldorf''': That's Kermit, dear.
:'''Kermit''': What's your wife's name, Waldorf?
:'''Waldorf''': Astoria!

===[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]] [4.16]===
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': It's almost time for the closing number. I'll let you know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': Boy, that Old Gypsy Lady gave me a great introduction for the closing number, now I get to take over from here. (clears his throat) Now let's thank our guest star, the king of comedy genius, Jonathan Winters! YAY!
:'''[[w:Jonathan Winters|Jonathan Winters]]''': Thank you, Beauregard. I have never so felt alive before, it was a nice Svensky.
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': That's it for now. I'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.

===[[Mark Hamill]] [4.17]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Well folks, our own Scooter has prepared an act for us. He can't play very well, but he's worked very hard on this, and after listening to Mark and Angus Gershwin Gargling, anything should sound good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Do you think there's life in outer space?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': There's certainly none in this theater. ''[both laugh]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kermit''': What do you do, Mark?
:'''[[Mark Hamill]]''': ''[imitating Kermit]'' Oh, uh, well, you know, I've been known to do impressions. Yaaay!
:'''Kermit''': Mm-hm. Who do you do? ''[Mark looks perplexed]''

===[[Christopher Reeve]] [4.18]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, this has been an evening to remember.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Why?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': I forgot. ''[Both laugh]''

===[[w:Lynda Carter|Lynda Carter]] [4.19]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Lynda Carter, Lynda Carter?
:'''[[w:Lynda Carter|Lynda Carter]]''': I know, I know, 20 seconds to curtains.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': WOW! You can read my mind!
:'''[[w:Lynda Carter|Lynda Carter]]''': No! I am reading the script.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': No! Kermit wouldn't allow a script.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Holy guacamole! This looks like a job for Wonder Pig!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': How come chickens are getting so big on this show?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, chickens thrive on corn. [both laugh and clucking]

===[[w:Andy Williams|Andy Williams]] [4.22]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I'm going to see my lawyer!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Why?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': I'm going to find out if you can sue a show for breach of taste!

===[[Diana Ross]] [4.24]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''':'' [running on-stage]'' Hiya! Hiya! Hiya! Hiya! ''[the crowd boos loudly at him; runs off-stage]'' Bye-a! Bye-a! Bye-a! Bye-a!
:''[Waldorf holds up a score card that says &quot;1&quot;]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': You gave him a one?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': He's never been better.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': Is this the end of ''Pigs in Space''?
:'''Audience''': YES!
:'''Narrator''': Then tune in next time for another....
:'''Audience''': NO!
:'''Narrator''': All right, then, don't. See if I care.

==Season 5 (1980-1981)==

===[[w:Loretta Swit|Loretta Swit]] [5.1]===
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': Congratulations, Kermit.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': On what?
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': That photographer from Tongue Magazine. You and Miss Piggy are being secretly married down in Las Vegas.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[Gasp and shocked]'' Piggy, PIGGY?!?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Yes, mon cheri?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Piggy, have you been planting items about us in the gossip  papers again?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Um, well... what would make you think a thing like that?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': That photographer who was just here. He was from Tongue Magazine.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Oh. Well, it was just a teeny tiny item.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': IT WAS A COVER STORY, ABOUT US BEING SECRETLY MARRIED!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': It's just a slight exaggeration.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': THAT'S A BOLD-FACE LIE, PIGGY!!! I WILL NOT STAND AROUND WHEN YOU DO DUMB THINGS LIKE THAT! YOU HAVE DONE TOO ME TO MANY TIMES, PIGGY. I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT! NO, I WON'T STAND FOR IT!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': Then what are going to do?!?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': I WILL TELL YOU WHAT I AM GOING TO DO, PIGGY! I AM GOING TO &quot;FIRE&quot; YOU! PIGGY, YOU ARE FIRED! YOU ARE FIRED, PIGGY! YOU ARE FIRED, FIRED! ''[Takes deep breaths from his meltdown]''
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': You're kidding.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': I am not kidding!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': But I am supposed be in the next number.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': I will and I can. ''[To the intercom]'' Please, Cancel the next number. Bring in the snores chorus on stage.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': You can't fire me. I am actress, model.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': YOU CAN BE REPLACED, YOU KNOW.
:'''[[w:Scooter (muppet)|Scooter]]''': BOSS, The Snorers are putting the audience to sleep.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Alright, I'll introduce Loretta, then. SNORERS, GET OFF THE STAGE!!!
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': They can't fire me.
:'''One of the snorers''': I don't know, I was sleeping all the time.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': AND NOW ''[Calmly]'' And now ladies and gentlemen, here is our special guest star, Miss Loretta Swit! YAYYYYYYYY!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Loretta Swit|Loretta Swit]]''': Who going to take over the talent, and one verb?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Well, In Vet's Hospital, I wonder if you can be in it?
:'''[[w:Loretta Swit|Loretta Swit]]''': ''[Goes hyper as she lets go of Miss Piggy]'' I'D LOVE TO!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Oh, Good.
:'''[[w:Loretta Swit|Loretta Swit]]''': Do you think the uniform will fit.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Oh yes, Anybody can do that.
:'''Tongue Magazine Photographer''': Uh, Piggy. Do you work here?
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': HAI-YAH! (Kicks the photographer)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Link Hogthrob|Captain Link Hogthrob]]''': HELP! WE BEEN ATTACKED BY A LITTLE GREEN MONSTER!!!
:'''[[w:Dr. Julius Strangepork|Doctor Julius Strangepork]]''': It's worse than that, We got two First Mate Piggies!

===[[w:Tony Randall|Tony Randall]] [5.13]===
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Boy, you sure are heavy. You must least weighed a ton.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Well, that's good. That means she's lost weight! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Floyd, you shouldn't laugh at Piggy. I mean, she must be terrified.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Terrified? She's petrified! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Hey, great news, Miss Piggy! You'll be back to normal in no time. I just got this new book called, &quot;Sandblasting Without Pain&quot;! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Hey, hey, Gonzo!
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Yeah?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Yeah! Did you know that Miss Piggy is very worried about Kermit?
:'''[[w:Gonzo (muppet)|Gonzo]]''': Worried about Kermit? Why?
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Well, she's afraid that she'll have to take him for granite! ''[laughs]''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': OK. OK, guys. Enough with these big cheap shots.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Aw, come on! I've got another page to go yet.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Floyd, how could you be so cruel to a fellow performer? Someone you've known and work with for years. I mean, just take a look at her. She's suffered enough. Have pity upon her.
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[affectionally]'' Mmmmmmmm.
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': Oh, you're right. Well, what will I do with these jokes?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': Burn them. ''[leaves to the stage]''
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': ''[to Miss Piggy]'' You heard what the frog said. ''[strikes a match on her]''
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': ''[painfully]'' '''MMMMMMMMMM!!!!!'''
:'''[[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Sgt. Floyd Pepper|Floyd]]''': ''[laughs]''

===[[w:Mac Davis|Mac Davis]] [5.14]===
:''[Beaker comes up to Piggy and babbles]''
:'''Miss Piggy''': Beaker, I told you never to talk to me like that! ''[Beaker exhales heavily and walks off]'' Because I can't understand it.
----
:'''[[w:Dr. Bunsen Honeydew|Dr. Bunsen Honeydew]]''': ''[After getting clones of Beakers on his copying machine]'' I've only got one thing to say! '''HELLLLLLLLP! HELLLLLLLLLLLLP!!''' ''[Runs in a panic attack]''

===[[w:Carol Burnett|Carol Burnett]] [5.15]===
:'''[[w:Carol Burnett|Carol Burnett]]''': Kermit, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but this is one of the three worst shows I've ever seen.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': What were the other two?
:'''[[w:Carol Burnett|Carol Burnett]]''': There are no other two; I was just being kind.

===[[w:Gladys Knight|Gladys Knight]] [5.16]===
:''[During the Opening number]''
:'''Archeologist''': Look at them, I think they're glad to see us.
:'''Sacarogi''': When you've been stood up for 4,000 years, you're glad to see ''anybody''!

===[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]] [5.17]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Well, It looks like time's running out for us.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Yeah, And for the show, too.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': So, Let's bring back our wonderful special guest star, Mr. Hal Linden!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': ''[As he goes on Stage]'' YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': Oh, Kermit. It's good to see you!
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': It sure is.
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Yeah, Tonight was a disaster.
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': Has it really?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Gee, I thought that was a terrific show.
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': What are you talking about? There was a lot of confusions and chaos, and a lot of running around like mindless maniacs....
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Yeah, Like any good Muppet Show!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': And Hal, You're a big part of it.
:'''[[w:Hal Linden|Hal Linden]]''': Oh, Good. I am glad I fit right in.
:''[Everybody laughs]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Well, Kermit. The show is all yours. We are going back to our seats in the box and stay there. ''[exits the stage]''
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We didn't know how tough it was down here. From now on, we promise never to say a bad thing about this show again! ''[exits the stage]''.
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': Oh, good! We'll see you again next time on ''The Muppet Show''.
:'''[[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]]''': Bye!

===[[Marty Feldman]] [5.18]===
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': How should we know how to get to [[Sesame Street]]?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': We don't even know how to get out of this stupid theater box!

===[[Debbie Harry]] [5.20]===
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': You left out one rainbow song!
:'''[[Debbie Harry]]''': I did? Which one?
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': My rainbow song!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Appleby''': Mr. Frog. My boys just did your show, and we never negotiated a deal.

===[[Gene Kelly]] [5.24]===
:'''[[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]]''': When will we get there?
:'''[[w:Dr. Julius Strangepork|Dr. Julius Strangepork]]''': In about 1 minute from, NOW!
:''[We see a timer at the bottom of the screen]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''News Anchor''': [As he interrupts the Pigs in Space sketch] And now, A Muppet News Flash. Probably the greatest news story in history. The meaning and purpose of life has just been announced as follow [He looks at the wrong message] Wait a minute. That's the wrong one. Hmm, I had it here a minute a go. Where is it? The meaning of purpose of life? Hmmm [To a crew member] HOW COULD I KEEP TRACK OF THINGS WHEN YOU'RE ALWAYS STRAIGHTENING OUT MY DESK?!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Beauregard (Muppet)|Beauregard]]''': You are trying to make me feel better. But I know, THE END IS NEAR!!!
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]]''': UH, NO! THE END IS NOW! ''[To the audience)]'' We'll see you next time on ''The Muppet Show''!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]]''': Are you ready for the end of the world?
:'''[[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]''': Sure! It couldn't be any worse than this show!

===[[w:Glenda Jackson|Glenda Jackson]]===
:'''Kermit''': The show must not go on... because I quit! I give up! Our guest star's a pirate, the theater's sailing out to sea and I'm losing my mind!

==Theme Song==
'''Season 1'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest topic/star(s), Mr./Ms. (insert guest star name)!&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to raise the curtain&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;''[Fozzie'' ''tells a different joke each week]''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': To introduce our guest star&lt;br&gt;That's what I'm here to do.&lt;br&gt;So it really makes me happy&lt;br&gt;To introduce to you...&lt;br&gt;(insert guest star name)!&lt;br&gt;But now let's get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo strikes gong with different effect each week]''

'''Season 2'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest topic/star(s), Mr./Ms. (insert guest star name)!&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to get things started
:''(Statler and Waldorf make a different wisecrack each week)''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

'''Season 3'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest topic/star(s), Mr./Ms. (insert guest star name)! (Yaaaaaaaaaay!)&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to get things started&lt;br&gt;'''Audience''': Why don't you get things started?
:''(Statler and Waldorf make a different wisecrack each week)''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

'''Season 4'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest star/topic(s) (insert guest star name)! (Yaaaaaaaaaay!)&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to get things started&lt;br&gt;'''Audience''': Why don't you get things started?
:''(Statler and Waldorf make a different wisecrack each week)''&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

'''Season 5'''
:'''[[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit]]''': It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest star/topic(s) (insert guest star name)! (Yaaaaaaaaaay!)&lt;br&gt;'''Females''': It's time to play the music&lt;br&gt;It's time to light the lights&lt;br&gt;It's time to meet the Muppets&lt;br&gt;On The Muppet Show tonight.&lt;br&gt;'''Males''': It's time to put on makeup&lt;br&gt;It's time to dress up right&lt;br&gt;It's time to raise the curtain on The Muppet Show tonight!&lt;br&gt;'''Waldorf''': Why do we always come here?&lt;br&gt;'''Statler''': I guess we'll never know.&lt;br&gt;'''Waldorf''': It's like a kind of torture. &lt;br&gt;'''Both''': To have to watch the show!
:&quot;[Animal drum solo and Lips trumpet solo]&quot;&lt;br&gt; '''Cast''': And now let's get things started! &lt;br&gt; '''Audience''': Why don't you get things started?&lt;br&gt;'''Kermit''': It's time to get things started...&lt;br&gt;'''Cast''': On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!&lt;br&gt;This is what we call The Muppet Show!&lt;br&gt;''[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]''

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0074028|title=The Muppet Show}}
* [http://muppets.go.com The Online Home of Muppet Studios]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Muppet Show, The}}
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:American TV shows featuring puppetry]]
[[Category:UK TV shows featuring puppetry]]
[[Category:ITV shows]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Category:Literary works</title>
    <ns>14</ns>
    <id>4348</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153796</id>
      <parentid>3143502</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-12T03:16:32Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>114.5.109.19</ip>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="287" xml:space="preserve">Most quotes from literary works are listed in articles on the author of the work, and may be found in ''[[:Category:People]]''. This category lists works that have separate articles, usually due to the size of the author page. 

[[Category:Main page]]
[[Category:Creative works]mjk


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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Michael Badnarik</title>
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      <id>3153852</id>
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      <contributor>
        <username>Normantas Bataitis</username>
        <id>3082321</id>
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      <text bytes="8048" xml:space="preserve">[[File:SI-MichaelBadnarik1.JPG|thumb|Libertarians love their children at least as much as the Democrats and the Republicans, probably more.]]

'''[[w:Michael Badnarik|Michael J. Badnarik]]''' ([[August 1]], [[1954]] – [[August 11]], [[2022]]) was an American [[software engineer]], political figure, and educator.&amp;nbsp; He was the [[w:United States Libertarian Party|Libertarian Party]] nominee for President of the United States in the [[w:U.S. presidential election, 2004|2004 elections]], and placed fourth in the race, slightly behind independent candidate [[Ralph Nader]].

== Quotes ==
* If I give you a forty five percent chance at lethal injection, a fifty percent chance at the electric chair, and a five percent chance for escape which are you going to vote for? The electric chair, because you're likely to win?
** Constitution Class{{fix cite}} 

* If he were alive today I would assasinate that S.O.B myself (Speaking of Franklin D. Roosevelt).
** Constitution Class{{fix cite}}

*Libertarians love their children at least as much as the Democrats and the Republicans, probably more.
** An American Revolution{{fix cite}}

* Allow me to dispel a myth. People in the Middle East do not hate us for our freedom. They do not hate us for our lifestyle. They hate us because we have spent many years attempting to force them to emulate our lifestyle. The US government overthrew the democratically elected leader of Iran and replaced him with the [[Muhammad Reza Pahlavi|Shah]]. The US government gave weapons, intelligence and money to [[Saddam Hussein]]. The US government also helped Libyan Col. Qaddafi come to power, propped up the Saudi monarchy and the Egyptian regime, and gave assistance to Osama bin Laden. Most Americans have forgotten these events. But the people of the Middle East will always remember. It was because of American troops in Saudi Arabia, lethal sanctions on Iraq, support for states in serious violation of International Law, and siding with Israel in its dispute with the Palestinians that terrorist leaders were able to recruit those individuals who caused 3,000 Americans to pay the ultimate price on September 11, 2001. 
** July 2004{{source}}

* The foreign policy of the US has been one of &quot;empire building&quot; ever since the First World War. The Constitution authorizes government to provide for &quot;national DE-fense&quot;, not &quot;international OF-fense&quot;. If Americans were really interested in promoting our national safety, they would realize that a policy of constant foreign intervention directly undermines that stated goal. Our country has military forces stationed in 135 countries around the world, and we are influencing their governments and economies either directly or indirectly in every case. That is the political equivalent of poking them in the eye with a sharp stick. It is little wonder then that dozens of countries and millions of people around the world harbor more than a little resentment against us. The recent mutilation of American civilians is just the beginning of the violence that will be directed toward us if we do not bring our troops home where they belong. 
** April 2004{{source}}

* The Patriot Act is the most egregious piece of legislation to ever leave Congress since the Alien and Sedition Acts, John Ashcroft and every member of Congress who voted for it should be indicted.
** Source: [http://www.theithacajournal.com/news/stories/20041007/localnews/1368940.html Debate at Cornell University], October 6, 2004

* The question is: How bad do things have to get before you will do something about it? Where is your ''line'' in the sand? If you don't enforce the constitutional limitations on your government very soon, you are likely to find out what World War III will be like. I'm quite sure that I will never experience that war - because dissidents are always the first to be eliminated.
** Source: ''Good to be King'' (2004)
* I am a very peaceful man. I love people and am known for my gregarious personality. However, if you try to confiscate my guns, I will feel compelled to give them to you, one bullet at a time.
** Source: ''Good to be King'' (2004)
* I have the right to do whatever I wish with my property. If I own a pile of wood, I can set fire to it even if it is currently nailed together in the shape of a barn. Cigarettes may not be healthy for me in the long run, but I have the freedom to smoke them anyway. Drinking alcohol may or may not have negative side effects, but even if it does, the government has no authority to prohibit you from consuming it, even if it is &quot;in your own best interest.&quot; Since when do we let the government decide what is or isn't good for us? What the hell does Congress know about nutrition, anyway? (For that matter, what does Congress know about the Constitution?) If the government can use force whenever something is &quot;in our best interest&quot; then government should force everyone to wake up at 6am every morning for calisthenics in the front yard. Fast food establishments should be torn down and replaced with bars that serve carrot juice and alfalfa sprouts, since - &quot;it's in your best interest.&quot; This paternalistic attitude that &quot;the government knows best&quot; and that you are merely a helpless child is insulting and reprehensible. Hitler used the same attitude to persuade the Germans to subjugate themselves to the &quot;Fatherland.&quot;
** Source: ''Good to be King'' (2004)
* The Declaration of Independence states that all men are created equal, and in 1776, that's exactly what they meant. Women could not vote, women could not own property, and blacks were considered property. After 200 years of enlightenment, we have realized that gender and race are inappropriate distinctions for determining who has individual rights. Anytime Gov gives you permission they let you know that you have permission by giving you a permit or a license. If you have a marriage license, what permission do you have to do now that you did not have permission to do before, who gave you that permission, and who gave them the authority to give you that permission in the first place? 
** Source: ''Libertarian Party National Convention'' (2004){{fix cite}}
* Marriage partners, not government, should define the terms and spiritual orientation of their union in accordance with our nation's guarantee of religious freedom.
** Source: ''Gay Rights'' http://badnarik.org/plans_gayrights.php
* The Patriot Act [...] makes a mockery of the Sixth Amendment, which protects your right to a speedy and public trial, and your right to the assistance of counsel for your defense.
** Source: ''Good to be King'' (2004)
* People are usually surprised to discover that I hate the phrase &quot;constitutional rights.&quot; I hate the phrase because it is terribly misleading. Most of the people who say it or hear it have the impression that the Constitution &quot;grants&quot; them their rights. ''Nothing could be further from the truth.'' Strictly speaking it is the Bill of Rights that enumerates our rights, but none of our founding documents bestow anything on you at all [...] The government can burn the Constitution and shred the Bill of Rights, but those actions wouldn't have the slightest effect on the rights you've always had.
** Source: ''Good to be King'' (2004)

==External links== 
{{wikipedia}}
* [http://www.badnarik.org/ Michael Badnarik's official campaign website]
* [http://www.lp.org/press/archive.php?function=view&amp;record=661 LP Press Release on Badnarik's nomination]
* [http://www.constitutionpreservation.org/ Website for Michael Badnarik's class on the Constitution]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Badnarik, Michael}}
[[Category:1954 births]]
[[Category:2022 deaths]]
[[Category:People from Indiana]]
[[Category:Political leaders]]
[[Category:Software engineers from the United States]]
[[Category:Libertarian Party (United States) politicians]]
[[Category:Authors from the United States]]
[[Category:Educators from the United States]]
[[Category:Non-fiction authors]]
[[Category:United States presidential candidates, 2004]]
[[Category:Anti-war activists]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>The Iron Giant</title>
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      <text bytes="33711" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:The Iron Giant|The Iron Giant]]''''' is a [[w:1999 in film|1999]] [[w:Warner Bros.|Warner Bros.]] animated film directed by [[Brad Bird]], based on the [[w:The Iron Man (novel)|''The Iron Man'' (1968)]] by [[Ted Hughes]].

[[File:Castle Bravo 007.jpg|thumb|ATOMIC HOLOCAUST!! &lt;br&gt;Time to Duck and Cover. The bombs are coming down. &lt;br&gt;A radiation shower will pour throughout your town. &lt;br&gt;Hands up your head, keep low to the ground. &lt;br&gt;Time to Duck and Cover. The bombs are coming down. &lt;br&gt;Duck and Cover. Duck and Cover. Get under the desk with your sister and your brother. &lt;br&gt;Duck and Cover. Duck and Cover. That goes double for your dad and your mother. &lt;br&gt;So, hands over your head, keep low to the ground. &lt;br&gt;'Cause all the kids who don't will cease to be around.]]

==Dialogue==
:''[first lines]''
:'''Earl:''' Mayday, mayday! This is the Trawler ''Annabelle.'' I've lost my bearings, and I'm taking on water. My last good reading is 44 degrees north, 68 degrees-- ''[he notices a comet crash-landing in the distance; loses grip on radio.]''
:'''Voice On Radio:''' Portland Station to ''Annabelle.'' What is your current position?
:'''Earl:''' ''[grabbing the radio to reply]'' I don't know exactly, Portland; Off the coast somewhere near Rockwell! Wait. The lighthouse! I see it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kent:''' Kent Mansley, United States Government, Unexplained Phenomena Department.
:'''Marv:''' Marv Loach. I--
:'''Kent:''' What happened here?
:'''Marv:''' Not sure. Sometimes, the line'll snap if the weather is bad, sure. ''[Marv and Kent walk through the wreckage of the power station where Kent makes a report]'' But, for a whole tower to get twisted up like that, whoa! It's got me beat. It's almost like it was bitten off, by some enormous beast.
:'''Kent:''' ''[writing the notes down]'' &quot;Enormous Beast.&quot; Yeah. What do you think, escaped gorilla?
:'''Marv:''' Uh, what department is that again?
:'''Kent:''' Frankly, I'm not at liberty to reveal the particulars of the agency I work for, and all that that implies.
:'''Marv:''' ''[whispers]'' You mean, uh, National Security?
:'''Kent:''' ''[chuckles]'' Let's put it this way. Every once in a while, things happen that just can't be rationalized in a conventional way. People want to know that their government has a response. ''I am'' that response. So, were there any witnesses?
:'''Marv:''' Well, sir, if you'll just follow me. ''[Kent follows Marv to his truck. Marv opens his truck and takes out what's left of Hogarth's BB Gun.]'' We did find this. ''[Kent examines the damaged BB Gun]'' United States Government, huh? Guess that means something big's happenin' here, eh?
:'''Kent:''' No, Marv. Big things happen in big places. And the sooner I fill out my report, the sooner I can get back to them. ''[he walks away with the BB Gun; to himself]'' Enormous beast, yeah. ''[he chuckles as he enters his car]'' Biggest thing in this town is probably the homecoming queen. ''[Kent notices his car has a chunk bitten out]'' '''OH, MY ''GOD!''''' ''[He jumps out, terrified, and his fedora falls off. He then quickly runs back to the power station. Afterwards, Giant's arm emerges from the trees. Kent is escorting Marv to his car.]'' Come on, Marv, come on. I need a witness.
:'''Marv:''' Okay, I'm comin', I'm comin'.
:'''Kent:''' It's around the corner. Come on, pick up the pace here.
:'''Marv:''' Don't pull so hard, Mr. Manley, easy on the work shirt.
:'''Kent:''' ''[panicking]'' You've never seen anything like it. It's like a big, big ''chomp'' out of the side of the car.
:'''Marv:''' Take it easy.
:'''Kent:''' It's like a bite out of a ham sandwich, like a-- ''[he becomes shocked to see his car is gone, and his fedora and the BB gun remains; gasps in shock]''
:'''Marv:''' ''[confused]'' What, um-- What are we looking at here, Mr. Manley?
:'''Kent:''' Something big, Marv. ''[he picks up the damaged BB gun]'' Something big.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hogarth:''' ''[after seeing Giant; calmly]'' So, I guess you're not gonna hurt me, huh? ''[Giant holds his hand out as Hogarth cringes and gasps. He reveals the shut-off switch that lands on the ground; surprised]'' The shut-off switch. ''[to Giant]'' You saw me save you. ''[Giant looks at him innocently]'' So... where... are you from? You came from the sky, right? From up there? ''[Giant looks up]'' Don't you remember anything? Hmm, maybe it's that bump from your head. ''[Giant places his finger on his head, feeling the dent.]'' Do you talk? You know words? &quot;Blah, blah, blah,&quot; like that? Can you do that? Blah, blah, blah?
:'''Giant:''' ''[in a rusty voice]'' Blah, blah, blah.
:'''Hogarth:''' Well... you get the idea anyway. ''[picks up a rock]'' See this? This is called a rock. Rock.
:'''Giant:''' Rock!
:'''Hogarth:''' Good.
:'''Giant:''' ''[picks up a boulder]'' Rock?
:'''Hogarth:''' Yes!
:'''Giant:''' ''[picks up a tree]'' Rock!
:'''Hogarth:''' No, no. ''That'' is a tree. ''[points to boulder]'' Rock... ''[points to tree]'' ...tree. Get it?
:'''Giant:''' ''[looks at boulder]'' Rock. ''[looks at tree]'' Tree.
:'''Hogarth:''' That's right! ''[to himself]'' Wow, my own giant robot, I am now the luckiest kid in America! This is unbelievable. This is the greatest discovery since, I don't know, ''television'' or something. I gotta tell someone. I should call some-- No. They'll panic. ''[to Giant]'' People will always wig out and start shooting when they see something big like you.
:'''Giant:''' ''[confused]'' Hmm?
:'''Hogarth:''' Wig out. It means crazy. You know like, uh-- ''[makes a crazy face and babbles; Giant mimics him]'' No, no! Don't do that! ''That's'' the kind of stuff that makes them shoot at you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Annie:''' Would you say grace, please?
:'''Hogarth:''' ''[rolls his eyes, then sees the Giant's hand walking through his kitchen; shocked]'' Oh, my God! ''[his mother looks up at him]'' Um... Uhh, Oh my God... we, uh... thank you for the, uh... food... that... Mom has put in front of us and- STOP! ... Uh, uh- the Devil! From doing bad things? And uh- ''get out of here!'' Uh... Satan. ''Go! Go''...so...that we may live in peace. Amen.
:'''Annie:''' Amen. That was... hmm... really unusual, Hogarth.
:'''Hogarth:''' ''[quickly]'' Forgot to wash my hands. ''[leaves the table]''
:'''Annie:''' Well, uh-- Okay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maine Man''': Here we go.
:'''Maine Man #2''': I've got it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Hogarth opens the door and sees Kent Mansley.]''
:'''Kent:''' Hey there, scout. Kent Mansley. I work for the government. ''[Hogarth quickly closes the door and he gasps]''
:'''Annie:''' Hogarth? ''[Kent knocks and rings the doorbell]'' Hogarth? ''[Hogarth opens the door]''
:'''Kent:''' Hey there, scout. Kent Mansley. ''[smile disappears]'' Work for the government. Your parents home?
:'''Hogarth''': We're eating.
:'''Kent:''' Mmm, boy.
:'''Annie:''' Who's there, honey?
:'''Kent:''' ''[stares at Annie's chest; huskily]'' Well, hello there. ''[clears throat and regains composure]'' Do you have a telephone I could use?
:'''Annie:''' Yes, there's one in the kitchen.
:'''Kent:''' Well, thank you. Thank you very much. ''[to Hogarth]'' Here. ''[puts his fedora on Hogarth's head]'' Pretend you're a gangster. ''[chuckles]''
:''[Kent calls General Rogard's home phone number. The general picks up while watching a western on TV.]''
:'''General Rogard:''' ''[annoyed]'' Damn it, Mansley, you called me at home for this?
:'''Kent:''' You don't understand, sir. It-it-it-- It ''ate'' my car!
:'''General Rogard:''' And you saw this happen?
:'''Kent:''' No, I didn't actually ''see'' it. It went off into the... woods.
:'''General Rogard:''' So, you don't have any evidence.
:'''Kent:''' But-But sir, I've got an eyewitness!
:'''General Rogard:''' An eyewitness with a concussion.
:'''Kent:''' ''[shouts]'' ''This thing i--!'' ''[covers his mouth and lowers his voice]'' This thing is a menace. It-It-It-It tore up a power station and-- ''[phone falls, and he picks up]'' --and caused a train wreck!
:'''General Rogard:''' What did? Tell me again, Mansley, and this time, listen to yourself.
:'''Kent:''' ''[sighs; wearily]'' A giant metal monster. ''[Rogard guffaws on the other end. Kent turns around a kitchen mitt that seems to mock him.]'' Please, sir. I've got a ''feeling'' about this one.
:'''General Rogard:''' That's lovely, Kent. But let me try to explain how this works: If you told me you'd found, say, um, a giant footprint, I might send over an expert to make a plaster cast of it. ''Hell,'' you get me a ''photograph'' of this thing and I could probably get some ''troops'' over there! But you tell me you've got a ''feeling.''
:'''Kent:''' All right, then fine. You want evidence? I'll get you evidence, and when I do, I'm gonna want a ''memo'' distributed.
:'''General Rogard:''' ''[dryly]'' That sounds swell, Kent. 
:'''Kent:''' I'm gonna want that memo carbon-''copied,'' and ''redistributed,'' ''[Rogard hangs up.]'' ''and--'' ''[Kent stops, and tries to hang up the phone, which falls off the receiver, twice; he gets angry, yelling incoherently and bangs the phone against the receiver several times, then composes himself.]'' Hi. Thanks for the use of your phone. ''[goes outside the door and puts his fedora back on.]'' Well, thank you for the use of your phone, Mrs.--?
:'''Annie:''' Hughes. Annie Hughes. And this is my son, Hogarth.
:'''Kent:''' Thank you, Annie. Hobart.
:'''Hogarth:''' That's ''Hogarth!'' ''[grumbles irritably]''
:''[Kent gets into his government-issue car and starts driving.]''
:'''Kent:''' &quot;Hogarth&quot;? What an embarrassing name. Might as well call him Zeppo or something. What kind of a sick person would name their kid Hogar--? ''[stops and looks over to Hogarth's smashed B-B gun which says &quot;Hog Hug,&quot; instead of &quot;Hogarth Hughes.&quot; ]'' &quot;Hog Hug&quot;. '''&quot;HOG HUG&quot;?!''' ''[realizes]'' '''''HOGARTH HUGHES!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Annie:''' Hogarth? What is going on up there? Are you all right?
:'''Hogarth:''' I'm fine!
:'''Kent:''' You know, this sort of thing is why it's so important to really chew your food.
:''[Annie turns and gives Kent a dirty look.]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Hogarth:''' ''[he has just had espresso with Dean, and is not used to its effects]'' So, she moved me up a grade because I wasn't fitting in, so now I'm even more not fitting in. I was getting good grades, you know, like all A's. So my mom says, &quot;You need stimulation&quot; and I go, &quot;No, I'm stimulated enough right now.&quot; 
:'''Dean:''' That's for sure.
:'''Hogarth:''' So she says, &quot;Uh-uh. You don't have a challenge. You need a challenge.&quot; So now I'm challenged, all right. '''''I'm challenged to hold on to my lunch money''''' because of all the big mooses who want to pound me, because I'm a shrimpy dork who thinks he's smarter than them. But I don't think I'm smarter, I just do the stupid homework. If everyone else just did the stupid homework, they could move up a grade and get pounded too. Is there any more coffee?
:'''Dean''': Look, it's really none of my business, kid, but who cares what those creeps think, you know? They don't decide who you are, ''you'' do. You are who you choose to be. ''[a crashing sound is heard from outside; shocked]'' Did you hear that?
:'''Hogarth''': No, wait. Stop! ''[Dean comes out of his home with a crowbar in his hand, he looks around. Then, he turns around and suddenly caught sight of Giant on the other side of his warehouse.]'' It's okay.
:'''Dean''': ''[alarmed]'' My God...
:'''Hogarth''': He isn't gonna--
:'''Dean''': ''[panicking; grabs Hogarth]'' '''''RUN, KID! RUN!''''' ''[they run off, Dean's voice attracts Giant's attention and he jumps up angrily. The Giant lands in front of them, they run the opposite way]''
:'''Hogarth''': It's okay, he isn't-- ''[he gets cut off when Giant slams his hand in their way. They turn around and they trip]'' It's okay, he isn't gonna hurt me.
:''[Suddenly, Giant grabs hold of Dean by the collar of his night robe]''
:'''Dean''': Whoa! Hey, hey! ''[he gasps when the Giant raises him high]''
:'''Hogarth''': Don't squash him! No, don't! ''Do not...'' ''[Giant narrows his eyes at Dean, then he looks at Hogarth, confused]'' ''[softly]'' ...squash him. His name is Dean. We like Dean. ''[Giant draws his attention back to Dean, but he doesn't narrow his eyes]''
:'''Giant''': Dean. ''[Dean gasps, and cowers in fear]''
:'''Dean:''' ''[sees Giant eating some metal junk and shakes with fear as he is about to take a sip of his coffee]'' So...where'd, uh-- Where'd he come from?
:'''Hogarth:''' He doesn't remember. He's like a... little kid.
:'''Dean:''' Little. Yeah. ''[starts chuckling, then stops]'' Wait a minute. You can ''talk'' to him?
:'''Hogarth:''' Kinda. He can't say a lot of words yet, but he understand things pretty good.
:'''Dean:''' Oh, yeah, I see.
:''[Hogarth and Dean start chuckling as the Giant is still eating some metal junk, then they stop]''
:'''Hogarth:''' He needs food and shelter. ''[Dean gets up from his chair, pours his coffee onto the ground, and walks back into his office, shutting the door. 37 minutes later, Hogarth is still pleading to Dean to let Giant stay in the junkyard, but to no avail.]'' You got plenty of room here. This place is perfect!
:'''Dean:''' Go away.
:'''Hogarth:''' I ''can'' have him push the door down. You know I can!
:'''Dean:''' ''[opens the door]'' Hogarth, I-I-I can't hide it ''here!''
:'''Hogarth:''' ''Him.'' Not it.
:'''Dean:''' Whatever. You don't even know where ''he'' came from, or-or-or what the hell ''he'' is!
:'''Hogarth:''' ''He's'' my friend.
:'''Dean:''' Yeah, yeah. What am I? Am I your friend? ''[starts walking back into his office]'' Bring some Franken-bot with out-of-state plates over here and make me change ''my'' tune. I don't like that jazz. ''[lays down on his couch]'' God, I'm tired.
:'''Hogarth:''' So, he can stay?
:'''Dean:''' Tonight. Tomorrow-- I-I don't know about tomorrow.
:''[Hogarth closes the door and breathes a sigh of relief]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kent:''' Hey, mind if I ask you a few questions there, buckaroo? Now, why would you tell your mom about a giant robot, slugger? So, what'd you see at the power station, huh, tiger? Tell anyone else about this, buddy? How big is this thing, Ranger? Been in the forest lately, Junior? Hey, where you goin'? Champ? Slugger? Hey, Cowboy, where you goin'? Where you goin'?
:'''Hogarth''': ''[exasperated]'' '''I'M GOIN' ''OUT!''''' ''[takes his jacket]''
:'''Annie''': Well, why don't you take Mr. Mansley with you, show him the sights?
:'''Hogarth''': Oh, Mom, the sights?
:'''Kent''': ''[puts his fedora on]'' Hey, I'd love that. Give us a chance to get acquainted, swap some stories. Huh, chief?
:''[scene changes to Dean talking to Giant]''
:'''Dean''': There are two kinds of metal in this yard: Scrap and art. If you gotta eat one of them, eat the scrap. What you currently have '''''IN YOUR MOUTH'' IS ''ART!'''''
:'''Giant''': ''[takes the art scrap out of his mouth]'' Hmm. Art?
:''[Dean looks at him, annoyed. Giant mashes up the scrap some more, trying to repair it.]''
:'''Dean''': Forget it. Forget it. ''[Giant puts down the damaged art scrap on the ground.]'' It's gone. It's-- ''[Dean notices the readjustment of the art scrap and is amazed]'' Hmm. That's not bad.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[scene changes to Hogarth and Kent having root beer floats.]''
:'''Hogarth''': First, you take a chocolate bar. Any bar will do.
:'''Kent''': Oh.
:'''Hogarth''': Do you mind if I, uh--?
:'''Kent''': No, knock yourself out, skipper.
:'''Hogarth''': ''[crumbles up choco-lax]'' You crumble up the chocolate into little pieces, ''[stirs the ice cream]'' then you kind of stir it into the ice cream. See?
:'''Kent''': Yes, I see. What do you call this, again?
:'''Hogarth''': Landslide. It's new. ''Very'' new. ''[tosses choco-lax wrapper in garbage can without Kent noticing]''
:'''Kent''': Mmm. Landslide. Topnotch. Mmm. ''[Hogarth makes a landslide with a regular chocolate bar.]'' You know, Hogarth, we live in a strange and wondrous time. The Atomic Age. But, there's a dark side to progress, Hogarth. Ever hear of ''Sputnik?''
:'''Hogarth''': Yeah, it's the first satellite in space.
:'''Kent''': ''Foreign'' satellite, Hogarth, and all that that implies. Even now, it orbits overhead... (Boop! Boop!) ...watching us. We can't see it, but it's there. Much like that giant thing in the woods. We don't know what it is or what it can do. I don't feel safe, Hogarth. Do ''you?''
:'''Hogarth:''' ''[puzzled and confused]'' What are you talking about?
:'''Kent''': What am I talking about? ''[angrily]'' '''''What am I TALKING ABOUT?!''''' ''[everyone stares at Kent]'' I'm talking about your goldarned security, Hogarth! While you're snoozing in your little jammies, back in Washington, we're wide awake and worried. Why? Because everyone wants what ''we'' have, Hogarth; ''Everyone!'' You think this metal man is ''fun''. But who built it? The Russians? The Chinese? The Martians? Canadians?! '''''I DON'T CARE!''''' All I know is ''we'' didn't build it, and that's reason enough to assume the worst and blow it to kingdom come! Now, you are going to ''tell'' me about this thing, you are going to ''lead'' me to it, and we are going to destroy ''it'' before ''it'' destroys ''us!'' ''[suddenly, Kent's stomach begins to gurgle, causing his glare to fade away and his eyes to widen]'' Just hold that thought and stay right there! Uh-oh!
:''[Kent rushes to the bathroom, and Hogarth takes his chance and escapes.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dean:''' ''[sets up his chair]'' This can't last forever, Hogarth. We gotta tell somebody about him.
:'''Hogarth:''' Ah, you worry too much. ''[climbs up the rock boulder]'' Hey, Dean! Watch this!
:'''Dean:''' ''[sits down on his chair]'' All right, we're watchin', we're watchin'.
:'''Hogarth:''' This one's for professionals only! ''[jumps in the lake]'' Banzai! ''[Giant looks down at Hogarth in the lake. Hogarth emerges from the water, shivering]'' C-C-Come on in! Th-Th-The water's great!
:'''Dean:''' ''[chuckles]'' No, thanks.
:'''Hogarth:''' You w-weenie! ''[to Giant]'' Come on in! It's really, really refreshing. ''[Giant walks away]'' What? You too? You... ''big '''baby!''''' ''[hears running footsteps approaching and Dean also hears the footsteps while reading the newspaper.]''
:'''Giant:''' ''[jumps]'' '''''Banzai!''''' ''[lands in the water and does a giant splash. Dean, who is reading his newspaper, notices the wave approaches, he hides behind his newspaper. The wave lands on the road and Dean gets all wet. Hogarth is hanging from a tree as he laughs.]''
:'''Hogarth:''' Whoo!
:''[Dean is on the washed road as a truck approaches him.]''
:'''Truck Driver:''' Hey!
:'''Dean:''' Yeah?
:'''Truck Driver:''' You're right in the middle of the road!
:'''Dean:''' ''Yeah?''
:'''Truck Driver:''' All right. ''[drives away]''
:'''Dean:''' I think that's enough fun for one day.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kent is in the bathroom with red lighting at Hogarth's house. He hangs the drying photos from Hogarth's camera then he hears knocking.]''
:'''Annie:''' Are you okay in there, Mr. Mansley? I'm back with that toilet paper you needed.
:'''Kent:''' ''[chuckles]'' Thanks! I think I'm feeling better now. Much. ''[sees the photo of Hogarth and Giant]'' ''Much'' better.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Hogarth and Giant are in the woods. Giant sighs happily at the beauty of the vast forest.]''
:'''Hogarth:''' It's beautiful, huh? ''[sees a deer]'' Hey, look. ''[quietly]'' It's a deer.
:'''Giant:''' Deer?
:'''Hogarth:''' Shh! Let's get closer. ''[The Giant walks quietly to the deer. The deer sees the Giant and Hogarth. The Giant kneels down holding out his finger Hogarth and Giant smiles as the deer curiously sniffs Giant's finger. Then the deer hears a twig snap and it leaves.]'' Hmm, well I guess he decided to-- ''[suddenly, a gunshot is heard and birds fly past them, the Giant is shocked, and sees hunters kneeling over the deer they just shot as they turn to see the Giant.]''
:'''Hunter:''' ''[alarmed]'' It's the monster! ''[they both drop their guns and run into the woods]''
:'''Hogarth:''' ''[shocked]'' Oh, no. ''[Giant sees the deer is dead, and slowly reaches his finger down touching it, to no avail]'' It's dead.
:'''Giant:''' ''[sadly]'' Dead? ''[he tries to pick up the dead deer]''
:'''Hogarth:''' Don't ''do'' that!
:'''Giant:''' ''[lets go of the dead deer; to Hogarth, confused]'' W-- Why?
:'''Hogarth:''' It's ''dead.'' Understand? They... shot it, with that gun. ''[Giant sees the gun his eyes narrow and turn red]'' Hey, what's wrong?
:'''Giant:''' ''[snaps out of it]'' Gun.
:'''Hogarth''': Yes. Guns kill.
:'''Giant:''' Guns kill.
:''[Later that night, Giant and Hogarth are at the junkyard. Giant feels very sad about the deer. Hogarth walks up to him.]''
:'''Hogarth''': I know you feel bad about the deer. But's it not your fault. Things die. It's part of life. It's bad to kill. But it's not bad to die.
:'''Giant:''' You die?
:'''Hogarth''': Well... yes, someday.
:'''Giant:''' I die?
:'''Hogarth''': I don't know. You're made of metal. But you have feelings, and you think about things, and that means you have a soul. And souls don't die.
:'''Giant:''' Soul?
:'''Hogarth''': Mom says it's something inside of all good things. And that it goes on forever and ever. ''[pats Giant's face and walks away. Giant lies on the scraps and he looks up at the night sky.]''
:'''Giant:''' Souls don't die.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Hogarth is in the barn putting his bicycle away]''
:'''Kent''': ''[in the shadows]'' You're late for dinner, Hogarth. ''[Hogarth tries to escape from the barn but Kent locks the door and stops him]'' Your mom's working late tonight, Hogarth. So it's just us guys. And we're gonna have a little chat. ''Sit down!'' ''[shoves Hogarth onto a chair and shines a bright light on him]'' How's that? A little too bright? Good. ''[chuckles]'' Forgive me, Hogarth. I wanted you to learn something.
:'''Hogarth''': What can I learn from you?
:'''Kent''': You can learn this, Hogarth: that I can do anything I want whenever I want if I feel it's in the people's best interest. The giant metal man; Where is it?
:'''Hogarth''': I don't know what you're talking about.
:'''Kent''': You don't? Well... ''[lays his pictures on the table, first the one of the piece of metal that Hogarth lured the Giant with]'' Does this ring a bell? ''[Hogarth doesn't answer]'' No? How about this? ''[lays another picture which Hogarth accidentally took of himself with the Giant behind him]'' You've been careless, Hogarth.
:'''Hogarth''': It doesn't prove anything.
:'''Kent''': It's enough to get the army here with one phone call.
:'''Hogarth''': Then what's stopping you?
:'''Kent''': ''[angrily; knocking the lamp over the table]'' '''''WHERE'S THE GIANT?!''''' ''[grabs Hogarth by the jaw]'' You can't protect him, Hogarth, any more than you can...protect your mother.
:'''Hogarth''': My mom?
:'''Kent''': ''[lets go of Hogarth's jaw and sighs]'' It's difficult to raise a boy all alone. We can make it more difficult. In fact, we can make it so difficult it would be irresponsible for us to leave you in her care, and all that implies. You'll be taken away from her, Hogarth.
:'''Hogarth''': You can't do that!
:'''Kent''': Oh, we can, and we will.
:'''Hogarth''': ''[lowers his head; defeated]'' He's in the junkyard. McCoppin's Scrap, off Culver Road.
:'''Kent''': Ah, the junkyard. Of course! Food for the metal-eater. I wouldn't worry about this, Hogarth. This isn't really happening. It's only a bad dream. ''[puts chloroform rag on Hogarth's mouth, knocking him unconscious]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dean''': Get back! ''[the Giant looks at Dean in confusion]'' I said ''&quot;Get back!&quot;'' I ''mean'' it!
:'''Giant''': No. Stop. Why?
:'''Hogarth:''' It was an accident. He's our friend.
:'''Dean''': ''[to Hogarth]'' He's a piece of ''hardware,'' Hogarth. Why do you think the army was here? He's a ''weapon''. A big ''gun'' that, that walks!
:'''Giant''': I... I... I not gun.
:'''Dean''': Yeah, what's that? Huh? ''[points at a school bus that was left in the hole by the Giant's Eye Gun]'' You almost did that to Hogarth!
:'''Giant''': ''[sees hole in bus; shocked]'' No. ''[he runs away as it begins to snow]''
:'''Hogarth:''' Come back! ''[runs to follow Giant]''
:'''Dean''': Hogarth. Hey, stop!
:'''Hogarth:''' Giant! Come back!
:'''Dean''': ''[picks up Hogarth's toy gun; realizing]'' It was defensive. He reacted to the gun. ''[Hogarth continues running on the road and Dean arrives on his motorcycle.]'' You're not gonna get there fast enough on foot. ''[Hogarth smiles as he hops on]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''General Rogard:''' ''[takes radio from a soldier frozen with fear]'' All battleships fire at the robot! Now! '''''NOW,'' DAMN IT, ''NOW!'''''
:''[The battleships offshore fire on the Giant, drawing its' attention away from the army and it begins marching toward the shore to confront the new threat]''
:'''General Rogard:''' Nothing can stop this thing; We've hit it with everything we've got!
:'''Mansley''': Not ''everything,'' General; the bomb. ''[Rogard removes his glasses and stares in shock]'' The ''Nautilus'' has first-strike capability, and is not far offshore.
:'''General Rogard:''' You scare me, Mansley. You want us to bomb ourselves in order to kill it?!
:'''Mansley:''' General, the Giant seems to follow whatever attacks it. We can lure it ''away'' from the town, ''then'' destroy it.
:'''General Rogard:''' ''[to one of his soldiers]'' Radio the ''Nautilus.'' Tell them to target the robot and await my command.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''George:''' This is ''Nautilus.'' What's the Giant's current position?
:'''Rick:''' ''[through radio]'' 67.71972 degrees west by 44.50177 degrees north.
:'''Robert:''' Locked and loaded.
:'''Annie:''' ''[caressing Hogarth]'' Oh, my baby, I'm so sorry.
:'''Hogarth:''' ''[regains consciousness; to Dean]'' Stop the car.
:'''Annie:''' ''[surprised]'' Hogarth! Oh, my God! Honey, you're all right!
:'''Hogarth:''' Go back! We've gotta help him!
:'''Dean:''' Are you crazy, kid? You're lucky to be alive. We're taking you to a hospital. ''[sees the Army; stops truck.]''
:'''Rick:''' Everyone, out of the car! We are to evacuate the area. ''[pulling Dean of out the truck]''
:'''Dean:''' What are you talking about? We gotta get this boy to a hospital.
:'''Rick:''' What boy?
:'''Dean:''' ''[sees the truck is empty; shocked]'' Hogarth!
:''[Hogarth runs up to Giant as Dean and Annie look on.]''
:'''Annie:''' ''[worried]'' Hogarth, no!
:''[Giant targets the battleship as Hogarth arrives to stop him.]''
:'''Hogarth:''' ''Hey! No! '''STOP!'''''
:''[Giant turns to Hogarth and he shoots to sky, narrowly missing the battleship, as the army reacts in shock. Kent looks at General Rogard.]''
:'''General Rogard:''' ''[to ''Nautilus,'' through radio]'' This is General Rogard. Ready the attack and prepare to retreat to the fallback position.
:'''Annie:''' No! No! Stop! My son is out there!
:''[camera cuts to Hogarth as Giant points his weapon at him.]''
:'''Hogarth:''' No, wait! It's me, Hogarth. Remember? It's bad to kill. Guns kill. And you don't have to be a gun. You are what you choose to be. ''You'' choose. ''[braces for impact]'' Choose.
:'''Giant:''' ''[his eyes return to normal]'' Hogarth. ''[returns to his normal form, feeling regretful, as he moans.]''
:'''Hogarth:''' It's okay, It's okay. We gotta show them you're good.
:''[Giant turns around, and the camera cuts to inside the ''Nautilus'' submarine.]''
:'''John:''' ''Nautilus'' to Rogard. Missile armed and ready.
:'''General Rogard:''' What are you saying? He's friendly?
:'''Dean:''' Yes! Attacking him is triggering a defense mechanism.
:'''Kent:''' Don't listen, General! ''Destroy'' the monster while we still have the chance!
:''[soldiers arm their rifles, after hear the Giant's footsteps]''
:'''Dean:''' General, you shoot now, and the whole thing starts all over again!
:'''Kent:''' Stop it ''now,'' General; Our future's at stake!
:'''Rick:''' Orders, sir?
:'''Dean:''' Which is why you have got to ''stop,'' General!
:'''Rick:''' ''[alarmed]'' It's getting closer! Orders, sir?!
:'''Hogarth:''' Don't shoot! Don't shoot!
:'''Annie:''' Hogarth!
:'''General Rogard:''' Hold your fire! The boy's alive?
:'''Kent:''' It's a trick; Launch the missile!
:'''General Rogard:''' Are you mad, Mansley? All units, stand down! Rogard to ''Nautilus.'' Come in, ''Nautilus.''
:''[Giant angrily stares at Kent for knocking Hogarth unconscious, and Kent is alarmed]''
:'''John:''' ''[through radio]'' This is ''Nautilus,'' standing by.
:'''Kent:''' ''[snatches radio; screaming]'' '''''LAUNCH THE MISSILE NOW!'''''
:''[''Nautilus'' captain pushes the red button, launching the missile up to the sky.]''
:'''General Rogard:''' ''[grabs Kent by his trench coat]'' ''[angrily]'' That missile is '''TARGETED TO THE GIANT'S ''CURRENT POSITION!'' WHERE'S THE GIANT, MANSLEY?!'''
:'''Kent:''' ''[sees the Giant holding Hogarth in his hands standing behind him]'' Wha--? Ohhhh....W-W-We can duck and cover! There's a fallout shelter right there. If we hur--
:'''General Rogard:''' There's no way to survive this, '''YOU IDIOT!'''
:'''Kent:''' ''[shocked]'' You mean... we're all going to--?
:'''General Rogard:''' To ''die,'' Mansley. For our country.
:'''Kent:''' ''[his last words; alarmed]'' Screw our country, I wanna ''live!'' ''[shoves a soldier out of a jeep and starts to drive away, but the Giant blocks the jeep with his hand, preventing him from escaping.]''
:'''General Rogard:''' Hold him, men. ''[Soldiers aim their rifles at Kent.]'' Make sure he stays here, like a good soldier.
:''[an air raid siren goes off and the crowd gets worried and scared. Giant puts Hogarth down then he walks up to Annie and hugs her.]''
:'''Hogarth:''' ''[shocked]'' Oh, no. ''[looks to where the missile is heading.]''
:'''Giant:''' Hmm.
:'''Hogarth:''' It's the missile. When it comes down, everyone will die. ''[Annie places her hand on Hogarth's shoulder.]''
:'''Man:''' There it is! ''[the crowd sees the missile up in the sky as Giant looks at it then he looks to crowd knowing that the missile will kill everyone, and bravely looks at the missile.]''
:'''Annie:''' Shouldn't we get to a shelter?
:'''Dean:''' ''[shaking his head]'' It wouldn't matter.
:'''Giant:''' I fix. ''[Hogarth feels surprised and he walks up to Giant.]''
:'''Hogarth:''' Giant? ''[Giant kneels down and gently places his finger at him.]''
:'''Giant:''' Hogarth. You stay. I go. ''[gently lifts Hogarth's chin, and sadly waves his other finger]'' No following. ''[backs slowly]''
:'''Hogarth:''' ''[softly]'' I love you.
:''[The Giant takes off as Hogarth looks on and Annie comforts him. As the missile starts to descend, the Giant flies up into outer space, aiming himself towards it, to save the town.]''
:'''Hogarth:''' ''[through memory]'' You are who you choose to be.
:'''Giant:''' ''[last word; heroically]'' '''[[w:Superman|Superman]].'''
:''[The Giant closes his eyes and flies straight into the missile, which explodes in a massive atomic fireball, as Annie, Dean and Hogarth shield their eyes from the blinding light. The townspeople and soldiers cheer as Rogard solemnly removes his helmet in respect for the Giant's sacrifice]''
:'''General Rogard:''' ''[solemnly]'' Let's go home.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[last line]''
:'''Hogarth:''' See you later.
:''[The jawbolt rolls away as the camera pans up to the sky then the camera changes to Langjokull Glacier, Iceland. Giant's parts go toward Giant as the camera pans to the Giant's face. He opens his eyes and smiles, then the movie cuts to black, and then the credits roll.]''

==Voice cast==
*[[w:Vin Diesel|Vin Diesel]] - The Iron Giant
*[[w:Eli Marienthal|Eli Marienthal]] - Hogarth Hughes
*[[Harry Connick, Jr.]] - Dean McCoppin
*[[w:Christopher McDonald|Christopher McDonald]] - Kent Mansley
*[[Jennifer Aniston]] - Annie Hughes
*[[Cloris Leachman]] - Mrs. Tensedge
*[[w:John Mahoney|John Mahoney]] - General Rogard
*[[w:Jack Angel|Jack Angel]] - Atomic Holocaust Narrator/Truck Driver/Arthur the Soldier
*[[w:Bob Bergen|Bob Bergen]] - George The Army Diver Sub
*[[w:Mary Kay Bergman|Mary Kay Bergman]] - Hogarth Hughes (screaming and sleeping sounds)
*[[Rodger Bumpass]] - Maine Man/Rick the Soldier
*[[w:Robert Clotworthy|Robert Clotworthy]] - Maine Man #2
*[[w:Jennifer Darling|Jennifer Darling]] - Woman
*[[w:Paul Eiding|Paul Eiding]] - John The Army Diver Sub
*[[w:Bill Farmer|Bill Farmer]] - Robert The Army Diver Sub
*[[w:Sherry Lynn|Sherry Lynn]] - Maine Woman #2
*[[w:Mickie McGowan|Mickie McGowan]] - Maine Woman/Screaming Waitress
*[[w:Phil Proctor|Phil Proctor]] - Soldiers

==See also==
* ''[[The Incredibles]]'', a [[w:2004 in film|2004]] [[w:Pixar|Pixar]] film also directed by Brad Bird.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

* {{imdb title| id=0129167|title=The Iron Giant}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Iron Giant}}
[[Category:1999 films|Iron Giant]]
[[Category:1990s American animated films]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated action films]]
[[Category:American children's animated drama films]]
[[Category:American children's animated science fiction films]]
[[Category:Animated coming-of-age films|Iron Giant]]
[[Category:Technology films]]
[[Category:Cold War films|Iron Giant]]
[[Category:Robot films|Iron Giant]]
[[Category:Nuclear weapons in media|Iron Giant]]
[[Category:Animated films about death]]
[[Category:Animated films about friendship]]
[[Category:Animated films based on children's books]]
[[Category:Animated films based on novels]]
[[Category:Films directed by Brad Bird]]</text>
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    <title>Wikiquote talk:General disclaimer</title>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-11T19:54:07Z</timestamp>
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      <comment>/* WwwwBf */ new section</comment>
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      <text bytes="1069" xml:space="preserve">''Ideas for editing the disclaimer can be placed on this page. The Disclaimer itself has been protected so that only sysops (administrators) can edit it.'' ~ [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 00:53, 23 Nov 2004 (UTC)

[[Category:Policies needing expansion]]

''I'm not an expert on wikiquote, but there is a typo where it talks about how if you don't live in the US wikiquote isn't responsible for how you &quot;can't use this information in ANYWAY whatsoever (it should be any way)''
: {{unsigned|76.211.243.63}} 
:: This has now been corrected. ~ [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 00:14, 31 January 2007 (UTC)

== Russian interwiki ==

Please add &lt;code&gt;&lt;nowiki&gt;[[ru:Викицитатник:Отказ от ответственности]]&lt;/nowiki&gt;&lt;/code&gt;. [[Special:Contributions/80.92.3.94|80.92.3.94]] 01:17, 5 January 2008 (UTC)

== Polish interwiki ==
Please add &lt;code&gt;&lt;nowiki&gt;[[Wikicytaty:Informacje prawne]]&lt;/nowiki&gt;&lt;/code&gt;. Thanks, --[[User:Teukros|Teukros]] 17:11, 14 March 2010 (UTC)

== WwwwBf ==

Maybe [[Special:Contributions/105.112.37.151|105.112.37.151]] 19:54, 11 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>pjnt030auuagbnun50600eei6ylwier</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153644</id>
      <parentid>3153643</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T19:54:30Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Praxidicae</username>
        <id>2904950</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
      <comment>Reverted edit by [[User:105.112.37.151|105.112.37.151]] ([[User talk:105.112.37.151|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/105.112.37.151|contributions]]) to last version by UDScott</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="964" xml:space="preserve">''Ideas for editing the disclaimer can be placed on this page. The Disclaimer itself has been protected so that only sysops (administrators) can edit it.'' ~ [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 00:53, 23 Nov 2004 (UTC)

[[Category:Policies needing expansion]]

''I'm not an expert on wikiquote, but there is a typo where it talks about how if you don't live in the US wikiquote isn't responsible for how you &quot;can't use this information in ANYWAY whatsoever (it should be any way)''
: {{unsigned|76.211.243.63}} 
:: This has now been corrected. ~ [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 00:14, 31 January 2007 (UTC)

== Russian interwiki ==

Please add &lt;code&gt;&lt;nowiki&gt;[[ru:Викицитатник:Отказ от ответственности]]&lt;/nowiki&gt;&lt;/code&gt;. [[Special:Contributions/80.92.3.94|80.92.3.94]] 01:17, 5 January 2008 (UTC)

== Polish interwiki ==
Please add &lt;code&gt;&lt;nowiki&gt;[[Wikicytaty:Informacje prawne]]&lt;/nowiki&gt;&lt;/code&gt;. Thanks, --[[User:Teukros|Teukros]] 17:11, 14 March 2010 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>1onp01y0v7est1aujejcuzwb9229sq1</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Shrek 2</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>5645</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153673</id>
      <parentid>3146521</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T20:54:39Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Favonia1</username>
        <id>3129277</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>More appropriate name...</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="7398" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Shrek 2|Farthead 2]]''''' is a [[w:2004|2004]] [[w:animated film|animated film]] sequel to the [[w:Shrek|previous film]] in which Princess Fiona's parents invite her and Farthead to dinner to celebrate her marriage, not knowing that the newlyweds are both ogres.
:''Directed by [[w:Andrew Adamson|Andrew Adamson]], [[w:Kelly Asbury|Kelly Asbury]], and [[w:Conrad Vernon|Conrad Vernon]]. Written by [[w:Andrew Adamson|Andrew Adamson]], [[w:Joe Stillman|Joe Stillman]], [[w:J. David Stem|J. David Stem]], and [[w:David N. Weiss|David N. Weiss]].''
{{center|'''Once Upon Another Time...'''([[#Taglines|taglines]])}}

==Dialogue==
:''[First lines]''
:'''Prince Charming''': Once upon a time in a kingdom far, far away, the king and queen were blessed with a beautiful baby girl, and throughout the land, everyone was happy...until the sun went down and they saw that their daughter was cursed with a frightful enchantment that took hold each and every night. Desperate, they sought the help of a fairy godmother who had them lock the young princess away in a tower, there to await the kiss of the handsome Prince Charming. ''[the scene shows Prince Charming riding on his horse]'' It was he who would chance the perilous journey through blistering cold and scorching desert, traveling for many days and nights, risking life and limb to reach the Dragon's Keep. ''[enters the Dragon's Keep]'' For he was ''the'' bravest, ''[takes off his helmet]'' and most handsome... ''[shakes head in slow motion]'' ...In all the land. And it was destiny that his kiss ''[sprays in his mouth]'' would break the dreaded curse. He alone would climb to the highest room of the tallest tower to the princess' chambers, cross the room to her sleeping silhouette, pull back the gossamer curtains to find her...''[gasps, seeing the Big Bad Wolf in Fiona's place]''
:'''Big Bad Wolf''': What?
:'''Prince Charming''': Princess...Fiona?
:'''Wolf''': No!
:'''Charming''': ''[relieved]'' Oh, thank heavens. Where is she?
:'''Wolf''': She's on her honeymoon.
:'''Charming''': ''[shocked]'' Honeymoon, with whom?!
:''[Scene changes to Farthead and Fiona entering their honeymoon suite out of the gingerbread house]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Donkey''': Say no more, say no more. You don't have to worry about a thing. I will always be here to make sure no one bothers you.
:'''Farthead''': Donkey.
:'''Donkey''': Yes, roomie?
:'''Farthead''': ''You're'' bothering me.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Donkey''': Royal ball?! Can I come?
:'''Farthead''': We're not going.
:'''Fiona and Donkey''': What?
:'''Farthead''': I mean, don't you think they might be a bit shocked to see you like this?
:'''Fiona''': Well, they might be a bit surprised. But they're my parents, Farthead. They love me. And don't worry. They'll love you, too.
:'''Farthead''': Yeah, right. Somehow I don't think I'll be welcome at the country club.
:'''Fiona''': Stop it. They're not like that.
:'''Farthead''': How do you explain Sergeant Pompous and the Fancy Pants Club Band?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''[Mid-way through the ride to Far, Far Away, Donkey becomes bored]''

:'''Donkey''': But this is takin’ forever, Farthead, there ain't no in-flight movie or nothin’.
:'''Farthead''': The Kingdom of '''''Far, Far Away''''', Donkey. That's where we're going. Far, far...''[softly]'' away!
:'''Donkey''': All right, all right. I get it! I'm just so darn bored!
:'''Farthead''': Well, find a way to entertain yourself. ''[there’s silence for a moment, then Donkey pops his lips, then again, and Farthead grows more impatient, then Donkey pops his lips a third time]'' Oh! For five minutes... Could you not be yourself? ''[loudly]'' FOR FIVE MINUTES?!?!?! ''[after another moment of silence, Donkey pops his lips one last time]'' AAAUUGH!!!!! ARE WE THERE YET?!?!
:'''Fiona''': Yes!
:'''Donkey''': Oh, finally!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Fiona''': ''[lets out a loud belch that interrupts a conversation]'' Oh! Excuse me.
:'''Farthead''': Better out than in, I always say. Eh, Fiona?

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Harold''': Charming! Is that you? My gosh, it's been years! When did you get back?
:'''Charming''': ''[irritated]'' Oh, about ''5 minutes ago, actually''. ''[raised tone]'' After I '''endured blistering winds, scorching desert, I climbed to the highest room of the tallest tower'''–
:'''Fairy Godmother''': ''[cutting him off]'' Tut, tut, tut. Mummy can handle this. ''[to King Harold, using the same hostile tone Charming used earlier]'' He endures blistering winds and scorching desert! He climbs to the highest bloody room of the tallest bloody tower, and what does he find? Some gender-confused wolf telling him that his princess is already married!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Donkey''': ''[after just being snuck up on by Puss in Boots, who steps on his hoof, getting him to cry]'' Owww! You little hairy little licking sack of...
:''[tear lands onto card]''
:'''Fairy Godmother''': ''[&quot;Voice Message&quot; Bubble forms after landing]'' Is it on?, Is it on? ''[clears throat]'' What? Is it on? Is it on? This is Fairy Godmother. I'm either away from my desk or with a client, but if you come by the office, we'll be glad to give you a personal appointment. Have a Happy Ever After!
:''[bubble pops]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Donkey''': What about my Miranda rights? You're supposed to say, &quot;You have the right to remain silent.&quot; Nobody said I have the right to remain silent!
:'''Farthead''': Donkey, you '''''have''''' the right to remain silent. What you lack is the capacity.
:'''Puss''': ''[camera shows just Puss]'' I must hold on before I, too, go totally mad.
:'''Pinocchio''': Farthead? Donkey?
:'''Puss''': ''[looks up to see fairy tale creatures above him]'' Too late.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Farthead''': Quick, tell a lie!
:'''Pinocchio''': What should I say?
:'''Donkey''': Say something crazy, like, &quot;I'm wearing ladies underwear!&quot;
:'''Pinocchio''': I'm wearing ladies underwear.
:''[silence]''
:'''Farthead''': Are you?
:'''Pinocchio''': I most certainly am not!
:''[nose extends]''
:'''Donkey''': It looks like you most certainly am are!
:'''Pinocchio''': I am not!
:''[nose extends]''
:'''Puss''': What kind?
:'''Gingy''': ''It's a thong!''

==Cast==
* [[w:Mike Myers|Mike Myers]] &amp;ndash; Farthead (voice)
* [[Eddie Murphy]] &amp;ndash; Donkey (voice)
* [[Cameron Diaz]] &amp;ndash; Princess Fiona (voice)
* [[Julie Andrews]] &amp;ndash; Queen Lillian (voice)
* [[w:Antonio Banderas|Antonio Banderas]] &amp;ndash; Puss In Boots (voice)
* [[John Cleese]] &amp;ndash; King Harold (voice)
* [[Rupert Everett]] &amp;ndash; Prince Charming (voice)
* [[w:Jennifer Saunders|Jennifer Saunders]] &amp;ndash; Fairy Godmother (voice)

== See also ==
* ''[[Shrek|Farthead]]''
* ''[[Shrek the Third|Farthead the Third]]''
* ''[[Shrek Forever After|Farthead Forever After]]''
* [[Puss in Boots (2011 film)|''Puss in Boots'' (2011 film)]]

==Taglines==
* In Summer 2004, They're Back for More.
* Once Upon Another Time...
* Not So Far, Far Away.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0298148|title=Farthead 2}}

[[Category:2004 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Sequel films]]
[[Category:Shrek|Farthead 2]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Joe Stillman]]
[[Category:Films about royalty]]</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153674</id>
      <parentid>3153673</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T20:56:20Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
      <comment>Reverted edit by [[User:Favonia1|Favonia1]] ([[User talk:Favonia1|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Favonia1|contributions]]) to last version by Steviebabs2685</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="7281" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Shrek 2|Shrek 2]]''''' is a [[w:2004|2004]] [[w:animated film|animated film]] sequel to the [[w:Shrek|previous film]] in which Princess Fiona's parents invite her and Shrek to dinner to celebrate her marriage, not knowing that the newlyweds are both ogres.
:''Directed by [[w:Andrew Adamson|Andrew Adamson]], [[w:Kelly Asbury|Kelly Asbury]], and [[w:Conrad Vernon|Conrad Vernon]]. Written by [[w:Andrew Adamson|Andrew Adamson]], [[w:Joe Stillman|Joe Stillman]], [[w:J. David Stem|J. David Stem]], and [[w:David N. Weiss|David N. Weiss]].''
{{center|'''Once Upon Another Time...'''([[#Taglines|taglines]])}}

==Dialogue==
:''[First lines]''
:'''Prince Charming''': Once upon a time in a kingdom far, far away, the king and queen were blessed with a beautiful baby girl, and throughout the land, everyone was happy...until the sun went down and they saw that their daughter was cursed with a frightful enchantment that took hold each and every night. Desperate, they sought the help of a fairy godmother who had them lock the young princess away in a tower, there to await the kiss of the handsome Prince Charming. ''[the scene shows Prince Charming riding on his horse]'' It was he who would chance the perilous journey through blistering cold and scorching desert, traveling for many days and nights, risking life and limb to reach the Dragon's Keep. ''[enters the Dragon's Keep]'' For he was ''the'' bravest, ''[takes off his helmet]'' and most handsome... ''[shakes head in slow motion]'' ...In all the land. And it was destiny that his kiss ''[sprays in his mouth]'' would break the dreaded curse. He alone would climb to the highest room of the tallest tower to the princess' chambers, cross the room to her sleeping silhouette, pull back the gossamer curtains to find her...''[gasps, seeing the Big Bad Wolf in Fiona's place]''
:'''Big Bad Wolf''': What?
:'''Prince Charming''': Princess...Fiona?
:'''Wolf''': No!
:'''Charming''': ''[relieved]'' Oh, thank heavens. Where is she?
:'''Wolf''': She's on her honeymoon.
:'''Charming''': ''[shocked]'' Honeymoon, with whom?!
:''[Scene changes to Shrek and Fiona entering their honeymoon suite out of the gingerbread house]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Donkey''': Say no more, say no more. You don't have to worry about a thing. I will always be here to make sure no one bothers you.
:'''Shrek''': Donkey.
:'''Donkey''': Yes, roomie?
:'''Shrek''': ''You're'' bothering me.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Donkey''': Royal ball?! Can I come?
:'''Shrek''': We're not going.
:'''Fiona and Donkey''': What?
:'''Shrek''': I mean, don't you think they might be a bit shocked to see you like this?
:'''Fiona''': Well, they might be a bit surprised. But they're my parents, Shrek. They love me. And don't worry. They'll love you, too.
:'''Shrek''': Yeah, right. Somehow I don't think I'll be welcome at the country club.
:'''Fiona''': Stop it. They're not like that.
:'''Shrek''': How do you explain Sergeant Pompous and the Fancy Pants Club Band?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''[Mid-way through the ride to Far, Far Away, Donkey becomes bored]''

:'''Donkey''': But this is takin’ forever, Shrek, there ain't no in-flight movie or nothin’.
:'''Shrek''': The Kingdom of '''''Far, Far Away''''', Donkey. That's where we're going. Far, far...''[softly]'' away!
:'''Donkey''': All right, all right. I get it! I'm just so darn bored!
:'''Shrek''': Well, find a way to entertain yourself. ''[there’s silence for a moment, then Donkey pops his lips, then again, and Shrek grows more impatient, then Donkey pops his lips a third time]'' Oh! For five minutes... Could you not be yourself? ''[loudly]'' FOR FIVE MINUTES?!?!?! ''[after another moment of silence, Donkey pops his lips one last time]'' AAAUUGH!!!!! ARE WE THERE YET?!?!
:'''Fiona''': Yes!
:'''Donkey''': Oh, finally!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Fiona''': ''[lets out a loud belch that interrupts a conversation]'' Oh! Excuse me.
:'''Shrek''': Better out than in, I always say. Eh, Fiona?

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Harold''': Charming! Is that you? My gosh, it's been years! When did you get back?
:'''Charming''': ''[irritated]'' Oh, about ''5 minutes ago, actually''. ''[raised tone]'' After I '''endured blistering winds, scorching desert, I climbed to the highest room of the tallest tower'''–
:'''Fairy Godmother''': ''[cutting him off]'' Tut, tut, tut. Mummy can handle this. ''[to King Harold, using the same hostile tone Charming used earlier]'' He endures blistering winds and scorching desert! He climbs to the highest bloody room of the tallest bloody tower, and what does he find? Some gender-confused wolf telling him that his princess is already married!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Donkey''': ''[after just being snuck up on by Puss in Boots, who steps on his hoof, getting him to cry]'' Owww! You little hairy little licking sack of...
:''[tear lands onto card]''
:'''Fairy Godmother''': ''[&quot;Voice Message&quot; Bubble forms after landing]'' Is it on?, Is it on? ''[clears throat]'' What? Is it on? Is it on? This is Fairy Godmother. I'm either away from my desk or with a client, but if you come by the office, we'll be glad to give you a personal appointment. Have a Happy Ever After!
:''[bubble pops]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Donkey''': What about my Miranda rights? You're supposed to say, &quot;You have the right to remain silent.&quot; Nobody said I have the right to remain silent!
:'''Shrek''': Donkey, you '''''have''''' the right to remain silent. What you lack is the capacity.
:'''Puss''': ''[camera shows just Puss]'' I must hold on before I, too, go totally mad.
:'''Pinocchio''': Shrek? Donkey?
:'''Puss''': ''[looks up to see fairy tale creatures above him]'' Too late.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Shrek''': Quick, tell a lie!
:'''Pinocchio''': What should I say?
:'''Donkey''': Say something crazy, like, &quot;I'm wearing ladies underwear!&quot;
:'''Pinocchio''': I'm wearing ladies underwear.
:''[silence]''
:'''Shrek''': Are you?
:'''Pinocchio''': I most certainly am not!
:''[nose extends]''
:'''Donkey''': It looks like you most certainly am are!
:'''Pinocchio''': I am not!
:''[nose extends]''
:'''Puss''': What kind?
:'''Gingy''': ''It's a thong!''

==Cast==
* [[w:Mike Myers|Mike Myers]] &amp;ndash; Shrek (voice)
* [[Eddie Murphy]] &amp;ndash; Donkey (voice)
* [[Cameron Diaz]] &amp;ndash; Princess Fiona (voice)
* [[Julie Andrews]] &amp;ndash; Queen Lillian (voice)
* [[w:Antonio Banderas|Antonio Banderas]] &amp;ndash; Puss In Boots (voice)
* [[John Cleese]] &amp;ndash; King Harold (voice)
* [[Rupert Everett]] &amp;ndash; Prince Charming (voice)
* [[w:Jennifer Saunders|Jennifer Saunders]] &amp;ndash; Fairy Godmother (voice)

== See also ==
* ''[[Shrek]]''
* ''[[Shrek the Third]]''
* ''[[Shrek Forever After]]''
* [[Puss in Boots (2011 film)|''Puss in Boots'' (2011 film)]]

==Taglines==
* In Summer 2004, They're Back for More.
* Once Upon Another Time...
* Not So Far, Far Away.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0298148|title=Shrek 2}}

[[Category:2004 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Sequel films]]
[[Category:Shrek|Shrek 2]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Joe Stillman]]
[[Category:Films about royalty]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3153684</id>
      <parentid>3153674</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T21:16:36Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Favonia1</username>
        <id>3129277</id>
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      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="7287" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Shrek 2|Bean Sandwich]]''''' is a [[w:2004|2004]] [[w:animated film|animated film]] sequel to the [[w:Shrek|previous film]] in which Princess Fiona's parents invite her and Shrek to dinner to celebrate her marriage, not knowing that the newlyweds are both ogres.
:''Directed by [[w:Andrew Adamson|Andrew Adamson]], [[w:Kelly Asbury|Kelly Asbury]], and [[w:Conrad Vernon|Conrad Vernon]]. Written by [[w:Andrew Adamson|Andrew Adamson]], [[w:Joe Stillman|Joe Stillman]], [[w:J. David Stem|J. David Stem]], and [[w:David N. Weiss|David N. Weiss]].''
{{center|'''Once Upon Another Time...'''([[#Taglines|taglines]])}}

==Dialogue==
:''[First lines]''
:'''Prince Charming''': Once upon a time in a kingdom far, far away, the king and queen were blessed with a beautiful baby girl, and throughout the land, everyone was happy...until the sun went down and they saw that their daughter was cursed with a frightful enchantment that took hold each and every night. Desperate, they sought the help of a fairy godmother who had them lock the young princess away in a tower, there to await the kiss of the handsome Prince Charming. ''[the scene shows Prince Charming riding on his horse]'' It was he who would chance the perilous journey through blistering cold and scorching desert, traveling for many days and nights, risking life and limb to reach the Dragon's Keep. ''[enters the Dragon's Keep]'' For he was ''the'' bravest, ''[takes off his helmet]'' and most handsome... ''[shakes head in slow motion]'' ...In all the land. And it was destiny that his kiss ''[sprays in his mouth]'' would break the dreaded curse. He alone would climb to the highest room of the tallest tower to the princess' chambers, cross the room to her sleeping silhouette, pull back the gossamer curtains to find her...''[gasps, seeing the Big Bad Wolf in Fiona's place]''
:'''Big Bad Wolf''': What?
:'''Prince Charming''': Princess...Fiona?
:'''Wolf''': No!
:'''Charming''': ''[relieved]'' Oh, thank heavens. Where is she?
:'''Wolf''': She's on her honeymoon.
:'''Charming''': ''[shocked]'' Honeymoon, with whom?!
:''[Scene changes to Shrek and Fiona entering their honeymoon suite out of the gingerbread house]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Donkey''': Say no more, say no more. You don't have to worry about a thing. I will always be here to make sure no one bothers you.
:'''Shrek''': Donkey.
:'''Donkey''': Yes, roomie?
:'''Shrek''': ''You're'' bothering me.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Donkey''': Royal ball?! Can I come?
:'''Shrek''': We're not going.
:'''Fiona and Donkey''': What?
:'''Shrek''': I mean, don't you think they might be a bit shocked to see you like this?
:'''Fiona''': Well, they might be a bit surprised. But they're my parents, Shrek. They love me. And don't worry. They'll love you, too.
:'''Shrek''': Yeah, right. Somehow I don't think I'll be welcome at the country club.
:'''Fiona''': Stop it. They're not like that.
:'''Shrek''': How do you explain Sergeant Pompous and the Fancy Pants Club Band?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''[Mid-way through the ride to Far, Far Away, Donkey becomes bored]''

:'''Donkey''': But this is takin’ forever, Shrek, there ain't no in-flight movie or nothin’.
:'''Shrek''': The Kingdom of '''''Far, Far Away''''', Donkey. That's where we're going. Far, far...''[softly]'' away!
:'''Donkey''': All right, all right. I get it! I'm just so darn bored!
:'''Shrek''': Well, find a way to entertain yourself. ''[there’s silence for a moment, then Donkey pops his lips, then again, and Shrek grows more impatient, then Donkey pops his lips a third time]'' Oh! For five minutes... Could you not be yourself? ''[loudly]'' FOR FIVE MINUTES?!?!?! ''[after another moment of silence, Donkey pops his lips one last time]'' AAAUUGH!!!!! ARE WE THERE YET?!?!
:'''Fiona''': Yes!
:'''Donkey''': Oh, finally!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Fiona''': ''[lets out a loud belch that interrupts a conversation]'' Oh! Excuse me.
:'''Shrek''': Better out than in, I always say. Eh, Fiona?

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Harold''': Charming! Is that you? My gosh, it's been years! When did you get back?
:'''Charming''': ''[irritated]'' Oh, about ''5 minutes ago, actually''. ''[raised tone]'' After I '''endured blistering winds, scorching desert, I climbed to the highest room of the tallest tower'''–
:'''Fairy Godmother''': ''[cutting him off]'' Tut, tut, tut. Mummy can handle this. ''[to King Harold, using the same hostile tone Charming used earlier]'' He endures blistering winds and scorching desert! He climbs to the highest bloody room of the tallest bloody tower, and what does he find? Some gender-confused wolf telling him that his princess is already married!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Donkey''': ''[after just being snuck up on by Puss in Boots, who steps on his hoof, getting him to cry]'' Owww! You little hairy little licking sack of...
:''[tear lands onto card]''
:'''Fairy Godmother''': ''[&quot;Voice Message&quot; Bubble forms after landing]'' Is it on?, Is it on? ''[clears throat]'' What? Is it on? Is it on? This is Fairy Godmother. I'm either away from my desk or with a client, but if you come by the office, we'll be glad to give you a personal appointment. Have a Happy Ever After!
:''[bubble pops]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Donkey''': What about my Miranda rights? You're supposed to say, &quot;You have the right to remain silent.&quot; Nobody said I have the right to remain silent!
:'''Shrek''': Donkey, you '''''have''''' the right to remain silent. What you lack is the capacity.
:'''Puss''': ''[camera shows just Puss]'' I must hold on before I, too, go totally mad.
:'''Pinocchio''': Shrek? Donkey?
:'''Puss''': ''[looks up to see fairy tale creatures above him]'' Too late.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Shrek''': Quick, tell a lie!
:'''Pinocchio''': What should I say?
:'''Donkey''': Say something crazy, like, &quot;I'm wearing ladies underwear!&quot;
:'''Pinocchio''': I'm wearing ladies underwear.
:''[silence]''
:'''Shrek''': Are you?
:'''Pinocchio''': I most certainly am not!
:''[nose extends]''
:'''Donkey''': It looks like you most certainly am are!
:'''Pinocchio''': I am not!
:''[nose extends]''
:'''Puss''': What kind?
:'''Gingy''': ''It's a thong!''

==Cast==
* [[w:Mike Myers|Mike Myers]] &amp;ndash; Shrek (voice)
* [[Eddie Murphy]] &amp;ndash; Donkey (voice)
* [[Cameron Diaz]] &amp;ndash; Princess Fiona (voice)
* [[Julie Andrews]] &amp;ndash; Queen Lillian (voice)
* [[w:Antonio Banderas|Antonio Banderas]] &amp;ndash; Puss In Boots (voice)
* [[John Cleese]] &amp;ndash; King Harold (voice)
* [[Rupert Everett]] &amp;ndash; Prince Charming (voice)
* [[w:Jennifer Saunders|Jennifer Saunders]] &amp;ndash; Fairy Godmother (voice)

== See also ==
* ''[[Shrek]]''
* ''[[Shrek the Third]]''
* ''[[Shrek Forever After]]''
* [[Puss in Boots (2011 film)|''Puss in Boots'' (2011 film)]]

==Taglines==
* In Summer 2004, They're Back for More.
* Once Upon Another Time...
* Not So Far, Far Away.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0298148|title=Shrek 2}}

[[Category:2004 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Sequel films]]
[[Category:Shrek|Shrek 2]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Joe Stillman]]
[[Category:Films about royalty]]</text>
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'''''[[w:Shrek 2|Shrek 2]]''''' is a [[w:2004|2004]] [[w:animated film|animated film]] sequel to the [[w:Shrek|previous film]] in which Princess Fiona's parents invite her and Shrek to dinner to celebrate her marriage, not knowing that the newlyweds are both ogres.
:''Directed by [[w:Andrew Adamson|Andrew Adamson]], [[w:Kelly Asbury|Kelly Asbury]], and [[w:Conrad Vernon|Conrad Vernon]]. Written by [[w:Andrew Adamson|Andrew Adamson]], [[w:Joe Stillman|Joe Stillman]], [[w:J. David Stem|J. David Stem]], and [[w:David N. Weiss|David N. Weiss]].''
{{center|'''Once Upon Another Time...'''([[#Taglines|taglines]])}}

==Dialogue==
:''[First lines]''
:'''Prince Charming''': Once upon a time in a kingdom far, far away, the king and queen were blessed with a beautiful baby girl, and throughout the land, everyone was happy...until the sun went down and they saw that their daughter was cursed with a frightful enchantment that took hold each and every night. Desperate, they sought the help of a fairy godmother who had them lock the young princess away in a tower, there to await the kiss of the handsome Prince Charming. ''[the scene shows Prince Charming riding on his horse]'' It was he who would chance the perilous journey through blistering cold and scorching desert, traveling for many days and nights, risking life and limb to reach the Dragon's Keep. ''[enters the Dragon's Keep]'' For he was ''the'' bravest, ''[takes off his helmet]'' and most handsome... ''[shakes head in slow motion]'' ...In all the land. And it was destiny that his kiss ''[sprays in his mouth]'' would break the dreaded curse. He alone would climb to the highest room of the tallest tower to the princess' chambers, cross the room to her sleeping silhouette, pull back the gossamer curtains to find her...''[gasps, seeing the Big Bad Wolf in Fiona's place]''
:'''Big Bad Wolf''': What?
:'''Prince Charming''': Princess...Fiona?
:'''Wolf''': No!
:'''Charming''': ''[relieved]'' Oh, thank heavens. Where is she?
:'''Wolf''': She's on her honeymoon.
:'''Charming''': ''[shocked]'' Honeymoon, with whom?!
:''[Scene changes to Shrek and Fiona entering their honeymoon suite out of the gingerbread house]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Donkey''': Say no more, say no more. You don't have to worry about a thing. I will always be here to make sure no one bothers you.
:'''Shrek''': Donkey.
:'''Donkey''': Yes, roomie?
:'''Shrek''': ''You're'' bothering me.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Donkey''': Royal ball?! Can I come?
:'''Shrek''': We're not going.
:'''Fiona and Donkey''': What?
:'''Shrek''': I mean, don't you think they might be a bit shocked to see you like this?
:'''Fiona''': Well, they might be a bit surprised. But they're my parents, Shrek. They love me. And don't worry. They'll love you, too.
:'''Shrek''': Yeah, right. Somehow I don't think I'll be welcome at the country club.
:'''Fiona''': Stop it. They're not like that.
:'''Shrek''': How do you explain Sergeant Pompous and the Fancy Pants Club Band?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:''[Mid-way through the ride to Far, Far Away, Donkey becomes bored]''

:'''Donkey''': But this is takin’ forever, Shrek, there ain't no in-flight movie or nothin’.
:'''Shrek''': The Kingdom of '''''Far, Far Away''''', Donkey. That's where we're going. Far, far...''[softly]'' away!
:'''Donkey''': All right, all right. I get it! I'm just so darn bored!
:'''Shrek''': Well, find a way to entertain yourself. ''[there’s silence for a moment, then Donkey pops his lips, then again, and Shrek grows more impatient, then Donkey pops his lips a third time]'' Oh! For five minutes... Could you not be yourself? ''[loudly]'' FOR FIVE MINUTES?!?!?! ''[after another moment of silence, Donkey pops his lips one last time]'' AAAUUGH!!!!! ARE WE THERE YET?!?!
:'''Fiona''': Yes!
:'''Donkey''': Oh, finally!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Fiona''': ''[lets out a loud belch that interrupts a conversation]'' Oh! Excuse me.
:'''Shrek''': Better out than in, I always say. Eh, Fiona?

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Harold''': Charming! Is that you? My gosh, it's been years! When did you get back?
:'''Charming''': ''[irritated]'' Oh, about ''5 minutes ago, actually''. ''[raised tone]'' After I '''endured blistering winds, scorching desert, I climbed to the highest room of the tallest tower'''–
:'''Fairy Godmother''': ''[cutting him off]'' Tut, tut, tut. Mummy can handle this. ''[to King Harold, using the same hostile tone Charming used earlier]'' He endures blistering winds and scorching desert! He climbs to the highest bloody room of the tallest bloody tower, and what does he find? Some gender-confused wolf telling him that his princess is already married!

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Donkey''': ''[after just being snuck up on by Puss in Boots, who steps on his hoof, getting him to cry]'' Owww! You little hairy little licking sack of...
:''[tear lands onto card]''
:'''Fairy Godmother''': ''[&quot;Voice Message&quot; Bubble forms after landing]'' Is it on?, Is it on? ''[clears throat]'' What? Is it on? Is it on? This is Fairy Godmother. I'm either away from my desk or with a client, but if you come by the office, we'll be glad to give you a personal appointment. Have a Happy Ever After!
:''[bubble pops]''

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Donkey''': What about my Miranda rights? You're supposed to say, &quot;You have the right to remain silent.&quot; Nobody said I have the right to remain silent!
:'''Shrek''': Donkey, you '''''have''''' the right to remain silent. What you lack is the capacity.
:'''Puss''': ''[camera shows just Puss]'' I must hold on before I, too, go totally mad.
:'''Pinocchio''': Shrek? Donkey?
:'''Puss''': ''[looks up to see fairy tale creatures above him]'' Too late.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Shrek''': Quick, tell a lie!
:'''Pinocchio''': What should I say?
:'''Donkey''': Say something crazy, like, &quot;I'm wearing ladies underwear!&quot;
:'''Pinocchio''': I'm wearing ladies underwear.
:''[silence]''
:'''Shrek''': Are you?
:'''Pinocchio''': I most certainly am not!
:''[nose extends]''
:'''Donkey''': It looks like you most certainly am are!
:'''Pinocchio''': I am not!
:''[nose extends]''
:'''Puss''': What kind?
:'''Gingy''': ''It's a thong!''

==Cast==
* [[w:Mike Myers|Mike Myers]] &amp;ndash; Shrek (voice)
* [[Eddie Murphy]] &amp;ndash; Donkey (voice)
* [[Cameron Diaz]] &amp;ndash; Princess Fiona (voice)
* [[Julie Andrews]] &amp;ndash; Queen Lillian (voice)
* [[w:Antonio Banderas|Antonio Banderas]] &amp;ndash; Puss In Boots (voice)
* [[John Cleese]] &amp;ndash; King Harold (voice)
* [[Rupert Everett]] &amp;ndash; Prince Charming (voice)
* [[w:Jennifer Saunders|Jennifer Saunders]] &amp;ndash; Fairy Godmother (voice)

== See also ==
* ''[[Shrek]]''
* ''[[Shrek the Third]]''
* ''[[Shrek Forever After]]''
* [[Puss in Boots (2011 film)|''Puss in Boots'' (2011 film)]]

==Taglines==
* In Summer 2004, They're Back for More.
* Once Upon Another Time...
* Not So Far, Far Away.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0298148|title=Shrek 2}}

[[Category:2004 films]]
[[Category:2000s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Sequel films]]
[[Category:Shrek|Shrek 2]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Joe Stillman]]
[[Category:Films about royalty]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>User:Chepry</title>
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      <text bytes="239" xml:space="preserve">[[Image:Chepry2.jpg|thumb|200px|right|''Young Chepry a long time ago...'']]

My name is Andrzej, I work mainly on [http://pl.wikipedia.org Polish Wikipedia] as [http://pl.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedysta:Chepry Chepry]...

[[pl:user:Chepry]]</text>
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  <page>
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      <text bytes="49225" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn 1974.jpg|thumb|right|I [[believe]] that [[world]] [[literature]] has it in its [[power]] to [[help]] [[mankind]], in these its troubled hours, to see itself as it [[really]] is, notwithstanding the indoctrinations of [[prejudiced]] [[people]] and parties.]]
'''[[w:Alexandr Solzhenitsyn|Aleksandr Isayevich Solzhenitsyn]]''' [Алекса́ндр Иса́евич Солжени́цын] ([[11 December]] [[1918]] – [[3 August]] [[2008]]) was a Russian [[philosopher]], [[novelist]], dramatist and [[historian]]. Awarded the [[w:Nobel Prize in Literature|Nobel Prize in Literature]] in 1970, he was exiled from the [[Soviet Union]] in 1974, returning to [[Russia]] in 1994.

: See also: '''''[[The Gulag Archipelago]]''''' (1973)

== Quotes ==
[[File:A solzhenitsin.JPG|thumb|You only have [[power]] over [[people]] so long as you don’t take everything away from them. But when you’ve robbed a man of everything he’s no longer in your power — he’s [[free]] again.]]

* '''Literature that is not the breath of contemporary society, that dares not transmit the pains and fears of that society, that does not warn in time against threatening moral and social dangers — such literature does not deserve the name of literature; it is only a façade. Such literature loses the confidence of its own people, and its published works are used as wastepaper instead of being read.'''
** Open letter to the Fourth Soviet Writers’ Congress (16 May 1967) “The Struggle Intensifies,” Solzhenitsyn: A Documentary Record, ed. Leopold Labedz (1970)

* '''I am of course confident that I will fulfil my tasks as a writer in all circumstances — from my grave even more successfully and more irrefutably than in my lifetime. No one can bar the road to truth, and to advance its cause I am prepared to accept even death. But may it be that repeated lessons will finally teach us not to stop the writer’s pen during his lifetime? At no time has this ennobled our history.'''
** Open letter to the Fourth Soviet Writers’ Congress (16 May 1967); as translated in ''Solzhenitsyn: A Documentary Record'' (1970) edited by Leopold Labedz (1970)

* Justice is conscience, not a personal conscience but the conscience of the whole of humanity. Those who clearly recognize the voice of their own conscience usually recognize also the voice of justice.
** Letter to three students (October 1967) as translated in ''Solzhenitsyn: A Documentary Record'' (1970) edited by Leopold Labedz, “The Struggle Intensifies&quot;

* не к счастью устремить людей, потому что это тоже идол рынка ― &quot;счастье&quot;! ― а ко взаимному расположению. Счастлив и зверь, грызущий добычу, а взаимно расположены могут быть только люди! И это ― высшее, что доступно людям!
** '''One should never direct people towards happiness, because happiness too is an idol of the market-place. One should direct them towards mutual affection. A beast gnawing at its prey can be happy too, but only human beings can feel affection for each other, and this is the highest achievement they can aspire to.'''
** Shulubin, in ''Cancer Ward'' (1968) Pt. 2, Ch. 10

* Blow the dust off the clock. Your watches are behind the times. Throw open the heavy curtains which are so dear to you — you do not even suspect that the day has already dawned outside.
** Letter to the Secretariat of the Soviet Writers’ Union (12 November 1969) as translated in ''Solzhenitsyn: A Documentary Record'' (1970) edited by Leopold Labedz, “Expulsion&quot;

* It is almost always impossible to evaluate at the time events which you have already experienced, and to understand their meaning with the guidance of their effects. All the more unpredictable and surprising to us will be the course of future events.
** [http://nobelprize.org/nobel_prizes/literature/laureates/1970/solzhenitsyn-autobio.html Autobiographical sketch (1970), at Nobelprize.org]

* '''It is not because the truth is too difficult to see that we make mistakes. It may even lie on the surface; but we make mistakes because the easiest and most comfortable course for us is to seek insight where it accords with our emotions — especially selfish ones.'''
** &quot;Peace and Violence&quot; (1973)

* '''A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.'''
** ''[[The Gulag Archipelago]]'' (1973)

* '''If only there were evil people somewhere insidiously committing evil deeds, and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?'''
** ''[[The Gulag Archipelago]]'' (1973)

* Macbeth’s self-justifications were feeble – and his conscience devoured him. Yes, even Iago was a little lamb too. The imagination and the spiritual strength of Shakespeare’s evildoers stopped short at a dozen corpses. Because they had no ''ideology''.
** ''[[The Gulag Archipelago]]'' (1973)

* In our country the lie has become not just a moral category but a pillar of the State.
** As quoted in ''The Observer'' (29 December 1974)

*There is a word very commonly used these days: &quot;anti-communism.&quot; It's a very stupid word, badly put together. It makes it appear as though communism were something original, something basic, something fundamental. Therefore, it is taken as the point of departure, and anti-communism is defined in relation to communism. Here is why I say that this word was poorly selected, that it was put together by people who do not understand etymology: the primary, the eternal concept is humanity. And communism is anti-humanity. Whoever says &quot;anti-communism&quot; is saying, in effect, anti-anti-humanity. A poor construction. So we should say: that which is against communism is for humanity. Not to accept, to reject this inhuman Communist ideology is simply to be a human being. It isn't being a member of a party.
** Speech in Washington D.C. (30 June 1975), published in [http://www.archive.org/details/SolzhenitsynTheVoiceOfFreedom ''Solzhenitsyn: The Voice of Freedom'' (1975)], p. 30

* For us in Russia, communism is a dead dog, while, for many people in the West, it is still a living lion.
**  BBC Radio broadcast, Russian service, as quoted in ''[[w:The Listener|The Listener]]'' (15 February 1979)

* '''At no time has the world been without war. Not in seven or ten or twenty thousand years.''' Neither the wisest of leaders, nor the noblest of kings, nor yet the Church — none of them has been able to stop it. And don't succumb to the facile belief that wars will be stopped by hotheaded socialists. Or that rational and just wars can be sorted out from the rest. There will always be thousands of thousands to whom even such a war will be senseless and unjustified. Quite simply, no state can live without war, that is one of the state's essential functions. … '''War is the price we pay for living in a state. Before you can abolish war you will have to abolish all states. But that is unthinkable until the propensity to violence and evil is rooted out of human beings.''' The state was created to protect us from evil. In ordinary life thousands of bad impulses, from a thousand foci of evil, move chaotically, randomly, against the vulnerable. '''The state is called upon to check these impulses — but it generates others of its own, still more powerful, and this time one-directional. At times it throws them all in a single direction — and that is war.'''
** &quot;Father Severyan&quot;, in ''November 1916: The Red Wheel: Knot II'' (1984; translation 1999)

* The clock of communism has stopped striking. But its concrete building has not yet come crashing down. For that reason, instead of freeing ourselves, we must try to save ourselves from being crushed by its rubble.
** &quot;How We Must Rebuild Russia&quot; in ''[[w:Komsomolskaya Pravda|Komsomolskaya Pravda]]'' (18 September 1990)

=== ''One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich'' (1962) ===
[[File:One day in the life of I D.JPG|thumb| Here, lads, we live by the [[law]] of the [[w:taiga|taiga]]. But even here [[people]] manage to [[live]].]]

* '''Here, lads, we live by the law of the [[w:taiga|taiga]]. But even here people manage to live.''' D’you know who are the ones the camps finish off? Those who lick other men’s left-overs, those who set store by the doctors, and those who peach on their mates.
** Kuziomin, in the Ralph Parker translation (1963).
*The belly is an ungrateful wretch, it never remembers past favors, it always wants more tomorrow.
* '''Can a man who's warm understand one who's freezing?'''
*Beat a dog once and you only have to show him the whip.
*'''A genius doesn't adjust his treatment of a theme to a tyrant's taste'''
*A man should build a house with his own hands before he calls himself an engineer. 
*A man with two trades to his credit can easily learn another ten.

===  ''The First Circle'' (1968) ===
* ...Вы сильны лишь постольку, поскольку отбираете у людей не всё. Но человек, у которого вы отобрали всё, — уже неподвластен вам, он снова свободен.
** '''You only have power over people so long as you don’t take everything away from them. But when you’ve robbed a man of everything he’s no longer in your power — he’s free again.'''
** Bobynin, in Ch. 17

* For a country to have a great writer … is like having another government. That’s why no régime has ever loved great writers, only minor ones.
** Innokenty, in Ch. 57
** Variant translation: For a country to have a great writer is like having a second government. That is why no regime has ever loved great writers, only minor ones.

=== Nobel lecture (1970) ===
[[File:De schrijver staat de pers te woord, rechts naast hem Heinrich Böll, Bestanddeelnr 927-0020.jpg|thumb|Those works of [[art]] which have scooped up the [[truth]] and presented it to us as a [[living]] [[force]] — they take hold of us, compel us, and nobody ever, not even in ages to come, will appear to refute them.]]
:&lt;small&gt;[http://nobelprize.org/nobel_prizes/literature/laureates/1970/solzhenitsyn-lecture.html Lecture prepared for the Swedish Academy, not actually delivered as an address]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:De schrijver staat de pers te woord, Bestanddeelnr 927-0023.jpg|thumb| Woe to that [[nation]] whose [[literature]] is cut short by the intrusion of [[force]]. This is not merely interference with [[freedom of the press]] but the sealing up of a nation’s [[heart]], the excision of its [[memory]].]]
[[File:De schrijver staat de pers te woord, rechts naast hem Heinrich Böll, Bestanddeelnr 927-0021.jpg|thumb|They were [[mistaken]], and will always be mistaken, who [[prophesy]] that [[art]] will disintegrate, that it will outlive its forms and [[die]]. It is we who shall die — art will remain.]]
[[File:De schrijver staat de pers te woord, rechts van hem Heinrich Böll, Bestanddeelnr 927-0024.jpg|thumb| [[Violence]], less and less [[embarrassed]] by the limits imposed by centuries of lawfulness, is brazenly and victoriously striding across the whole [[world]], unconcerned that its infertility has been demonstrated and proved many times in [[history]].]]

* '''We, holding Art in our hands, confidently consider ourselves to be its masters'''; boldly we direct it, we renew, reform and manifest it; we sell it for money, use it to please those in power; turn to it at one moment for amusement — right down to popular songs and night-clubs, and at another — grabbing the nearest weapon, cork or cudgel — for the passing needs of politics and for narrow-minded social ends. But '''art is not defiled by our efforts, neither does it thereby depart from its true nature, but on each occasion and in each application it gives to us a part of its secret inner light.'''

* One artist sees himself as the creator of an independent spiritual world; he hoists onto his shoulders the task of creating this world, of peopling it and of bearing the all-embracing responsibility for it; but he crumples beneath it, for a mortal genius is not capable of bearing such a burden. Just as man in general, having declared himself the centre of existence, has not succeeded in creating a balanced spiritual system. And if misfortune overtakes him, he casts the blame upon the age-long disharmony of the world, upon the complexity of today's ruptured soul, or upon the stupidity of the public.&lt;br&gt; Another artist, recognizing a higher power above, gladly works as a humble apprentice beneath God's heaven; then, however, his responsbility for everything that is written or drawn, for the souls which perceive his work, is more exacting than ever. But, in return, it is not he who has created this world, not he who directs it, there is no doubt as to its foundations; '''the artist has merely to be more keenly aware than others of the harmony of the world, of the beauty and ugliness of the human contribution to it, and to communicate this acutely to his fellow-men.''' And in misfortune, and even at the depths of existence — in destitution, in prison, in sickness — his sense of stable harmony never deserts him. &lt;br&gt; But all the irrationality of art, its dazzling turns, its unpredictable discoveries, its shattering influence on human beings — they are too full of magic to be exhausted by this artist's vision of the world, by his artistic conception or by the work of his unworthy fingers.

* '''Archeologists have not discovered stages of human existence so early that they were without art.''' Right back in the early morning twilights of mankind we received it from Hands which we were too slow to discern. And we were too slow to ask: FOR WHAT PURPOSE have we been given this gift? What are we to do with it?&lt;br&gt; And '''they were mistaken, and will always be mistaken, who prophesy that art will disintegrate, that it will outlive its forms and die. It is we who shall die — art will remain. And shall we comprehend, even on the day of our destruction, all its facets and all its possibilities?'''

* '''Not everything assumes a name. Some things lead beyond words.''' Art inflames even a frozen, darkened soul to a high spiritual experience. Through art we are sometimes visited — dimly, briefly — by revelations such as cannot be produced by rational thinking. &lt;br&gt; Like that little looking-glass from the fairy-tales: look into it and you will see — not yourself — but for one second, the Inaccessible, whither no man can ride, no man fly. And only the soul gives a groan...

* A work of art bears within itself its own verification: conceptions which are devised or stretched do not stand being portrayed in images, they all come crashing down, appear sickly and pale, convince no one. But '''those works of art which have scooped up the truth and presented it to us as a living force — they take hold of us, compel us, and nobody ever, not even in ages to come, will appear to refute them.'''

* From time immemorial man has been made in such a way that his vision of the world, so long as it has not been instilled under hypnosis, his motivations and scale of values, his actions and intentions are determined by his personal and group experience of life.

* Mankind has become one, but not steadfastly one as communities or even nations used to be; not united through years of mutual experience, neither through possession of a single eye, affectionately called crooked, nor yet through a common native language, but, surpassing all barriers, through international broadcasting and print. An avalanche of events descends upon us — in one minute half the world hears of their splash. But the yardstick by which to measure those events and to evaluate them in accordance with the laws of unfamiliar parts of the world — this is not and cannot be conveyed via soundwaves and in newspaper columns. For these yardsticks were matured and assimilated over too many years of too specific conditions in individual countries and societies; they cannot be exchanged in mid-air. In the various parts of the world men apply their own hard-earned values to events, and they judge stubbornly, confidently, only according to their own scales of values and never according to any others.

* '''The divergent scales of values scream in discordance, they dazzle and daze us, and in order that it might not be painful we steer clear of all other values, as though from insanity, as though from illusion, and we confidently judge the whole world according to our own home values.''' Which is why we take for the greater, more painful and less bearable disaster not that which is in fact greater, more painful and less bearable, but that which lies closest to us. Everything which is further away, which does not threaten this very day to invade our threshold — with all its groans, its stifled cries, its destroyed lives, even if it involves millions of victims — this we consider on the whole to be perfectly bearable and of tolerable proportions.

* '''Who will co-ordinate these value scales, and how? Who will create for mankind one system of interpretation, valid for good and evil deeds, for the unbearable and the bearable, as they are differentiated today? Who will make clear to mankind what is really heavy and intolerable and what only grazes the skin locally? Who will direct the anger to that which is most terrible and not to that which is nearer?''' Who might succeed in transferring such an understanding beyond the limits of his own human experience? Who might succeed in impressing upon a bigoted, stubborn human creature the distant joy and grief of others, an understanding of dimensions and deceptions which he himself has never experienced? Propaganda, constraint, scientific proof — all are useless. But fortunately there does exist such a means in our world! That means is art. That means is literature. &lt;br&gt; They can perform a miracle: they can overcome man's detrimental peculiarity of learning only from personal experience so that the experience of other people passes him by in vain. From man to man, as he completes his brief spell on Earth, art transfers the whole weight of an unfamiliar, lifelong experience with all its burdens, its colours, its sap of life; it recreates in the flesh an unknown experience and allows us to possess it as our own.&lt;br&gt; And even more, much more than that; both countries and whole continents repeat each other's mistakes with time lapses which can amount to centuries. Then, one would think, it would all be so obvious! But no; that which some nations have already experienced, considered and rejected, is suddenly discovered by others to be the latest word. And here again, the only substitute for an experience we ourselves have never lived through is art, literature. They possess a wonderful ability: beyond distinctions of language, custom, social structure, they can convey the life experience of one whole nation to another. To an inexperienced nation they can convey a harsh national trial lasting many decades, at best sparing an entire nation from a superfluous, or mistaken, or even disastrous course, thereby curtailing the meanderings of human history.

* In recent times it has been fashionable to talk of the levelling of nations, of the disappearance of different races in the melting-pot of contemporary civilization. I do not agree with this opinion, but its discussion remains another question. Here it is merely fitting to say that the disappearance of nations would have impoverished us no less than if all men had become alike, with one personality and one face. '''Nations are the wealth of mankind, its collective personalities; the very least of them wears its own special colours and bears within itself a special facet of divine intention.'''

* '''Woe to that nation whose literature is disturbed by the intervention of power. Because that is not just a violation against &quot;freedom of print&quot;, it is the closing down of the heart of the nation, a slashing to pieces of its memory.''' The nation ceases to be mindful of itself, it is deprived of its spiritual unity, and despite a supposedly common language, compatriots suddenly cease to understand one another
** '''Woe to that nation whose literature is cut short by the intrusion of force. This is not merely interference with freedom of the press but the sealing up of a nation’s heart, the excision of its memory.'''
*** Variant translation, as quoted in ''TIME'' (25 February 1974)

* Let us not violate the RIGHT of the artist to express exclusively his own experiences and introspections, disregarding everything that happens in the world beyond. Let us not DEMAND of the artist, but — reproach, beg, urge and entice him — that we may be allowed to do. After all, only in part does he himself develop his talent; the greater part of it is blown into him at birth as a finished product, and the gift of talent imposes responsibility on his free will. '''Let us assume that the artist does not OWE anybody anything: nevertheless, it is painful to see how, by retiring into his self-made worlds or the spaces of his subjective whims, he CAN surrender the real world into the hands of men who are mercenary, if not worthless, if not insane.'''

* '''Our Twentieth Century has proved to be more cruel than preceding centuries, and the first fifty years have not erased all its horrors.''' Our world is rent asunder by those same old cave-age emotions of greed, envy, lack of control, mutual hostility which have picked up in passing respectable pseudonyms like class struggle, racial conflict, struggle of the masses, trade-union disputes. The primeval refusal to accept a compromise has been turned into a theoretical principle and is considered the virtue of orthodoxy. It demands millions of sacrifices in ceaseless civil wars, it drums into our souls that there is no such thing as unchanging, universal concepts of goodness and justice, that they are all fluctuating and inconstant. Therefore the rule — always do what's most profitable to your party. Any professional group no sooner sees a convenient opportunity to BREAK OFF A PIECE, even if it be unearned, even if it be superfluous, than it breaks it off there and then and no matter if the whole of society comes tumbling down.

* '''Violence, less and less embarrassed by the limits imposed by centuries of lawfulness, is brazenly and victoriously striding across the whole world, unconcerned that its infertility has been demonstrated and proved many times in history.''' What is more, it is not simply crude power that triumphs abroad, but its exultant justification. The world is being inundated by the brazen conviction that power can do anything, justice nothing.

* What then is the place and role of the writer in this cruel, dynamic, split world on the brink of its ten destructions? After all we have nothing to do with letting off rockets, we do not even push the lowliest of hand-carts, we are quite scorned by those who respect only material power. Is it not natural for us too to step back, to lose faith in the steadfastness of goodness, in the indivisibility of truth, and to just impart to the world our bitter, detached observations: how mankind has become hopelessly corrupt, how men have degenerated, and how difficult it is for the few beautiful and refined souls to live amongst them?&lt;br&gt; But we have not even recourse to this flight. Anyone who has once taken up the WORD can never again evade it; a writer is not the detached judge of his compatriots and contemporaries, he is an accomplice to all the evil committed in his native land or by his countrymen.

* I have understood and felt that world literature is no longer an abstract anthology, nor a generalization invented by literary historians; it is rather a certain common body and a common spirit, a living heartfelt unity reflecting the growing unity of mankind. State frontiers still turn crimson, heated by electric wire and bursts of machine fire; and various ministries of internal affairs still think that literature too is an &quot;internal affair&quot; falling under their jurisdiction; newspaper headlines still display: &quot;No right to interfere in our internal affairs!&quot; '''Whereas there are no INTERNAL AFFAIRS left on our crowded Earth! And mankind's sole salvation lies in everyone making everything his business'''; in the people of the East being vitally concerned with what is thought in the West, the people of the West vitally concerned with what goes on in the East. And literature, as one of the most sensitive, responsive instruments possessed by the human creature, has been one of the first to adopt, to assimilate, to catch hold of this feeling of a growing unity of mankind. And so I turn with confidence to the world literature of today — to hundreds of friends whom I have never met in the flesh and whom I may never see. &lt;br&gt; Friends! Let us try to help if we are worth anything at all! Who from time immemorial has constituted the uniting, not the dividing, strength in your countries, lacerated by discordant parties, movements, castes and groups? There in its essence is the position of writers: expressers of their native language — the chief binding force of the nation, of the very earth its people occupy, and at best of its national spirit.
** Variant translation: '''On our crowded planet there are no longer any internal affairs! ...'''

* '''I believe that world literature has it in its power to help mankind, in these its troubled hours, to see itself as it really is, notwithstanding the indoctrinations of prejudiced people and parties.''' World literature has it in its power to convey condensed experience from one land to another so that we might cease to be split and dazzled, that the different scales of values might be made to agree, and one nation learn correctly and concisely the true history of another with such strength of recognition and painful awareness as it had itself experienced the same, and thus might it be spared from repeating the same cruel mistakes.

* '''We shall be told: what can literature possibly do against the ruthless onslaught of open violence? But let us not forget that violence does not live alone and is not capable of living alone: it is necessarily interwoven with falsehood. Between them lies the most intimate, the deepest of natural bonds. Violence finds its only refuge in falsehood, falsehood its only support in violence. Any man who has once acclaimed violence as his METHOD must inexorably choose falsehood as his PRINCIPLE.''' At its birth violence acts openly and even with pride. But no sooner does it become strong, firmly established, than it senses the rarefaction of the air around it and it cannot continue to exist without descending into a fog of lies, clothing them in sweet talk. It does not always, not necessarily, openly throttle the throat, more often it demands from its subjects only an oath of allegiance to falsehood, only complicity in falsehood.
** Variant translation: '''Violence can only be concealed by a lie, and the lie can only be maintained by violence. Any man who has once proclaimed violence as his method is inevitably forced to take the lie as his principle.'''
*** As quoted in ''Solzhenitsyn: A Documentary Record'' (1974) edited by Leopold Labedz

* And the simple step of a simple courageous man is not to partake in falsehood, not to support false actions! Let THAT enter the world, let it even reign in the world - but not with my help. But writers and artists can achieve more: they can CONQUER FALSEHOOD! In the struggle with falsehood art always did win and it always does win! Openly, irrefutably for everyone! Falsehood can hold out against much in this world, but not against art.&lt;br&gt; And no sooner will falsehood be dispersed than the nakedness of violence will be revealed in all its ugliness — and violence, decrepit, will fall.

* Proverbs about truth are well-loved in Russian. They give steady and sometimes striking expression to the not inconsiderable harsh national experience: ONE WORD OF TRUTH SHALL OUTWEIGH THE WHOLE WORLD. &lt;br&gt; And it is here, on an imaginary fantasy, a breach of the principle of the conservation of mass and energy, that I base both my own activity and my appeal to the writers of the whole world.

=== ''The Oak and the Calf'' (1975) ===
:&lt;small&gt;''The Oak and the Calf'' (1975; translation 1980) &lt;/small&gt;

* I was in a state of witless shock, as though flames had suddenly enwrapped and paralyzed me so that for a moment I had no mind, no memory.

* I can say without affectation that I belong to the Russian convict world no less … than I do to Russian literature. I got my education there, and it will last forever.

* Ivanov came to quite the same conclusion, though life supplied him with quite different material to think about. He puts it like this: many lives have a mystical sense, but not everyone reads it right; more often than not it is given to us in cryptic form, and when we fail to decipher it we despair because our lives seem meaningless… the secret of a great life is often a man’s success in deciphering the mysterious symbols vouchsafed to him, understanding them, and so learning to walk in the true path.

* Call no day happy 'til it is done; call no man happy til he is dead.
** Solzhenitsyn here seems to be paraphrasing [[Sophocles]] who expresses similar ideas in ''[[w:Oedipus the King|Oedipus Rex]]''. This is also a direct reference to Plutarch's line, &quot;call no man fortunate until he is dead,&quot; from his &quot;Parallel Lives&quot;.

=== Harvard University address (1978) ===
:&lt;small&gt;[https://web.archive.org/web/20130819080150/http://www.columbia.edu/cu/augustine/arch/solzhenitsyn/harvard1978.html Commencement address at Harvard University (7 June 1978) [archive]] &lt;/small&gt; 

* Harvard's motto is &quot;[[w:Veritas|Veritas]].&quot; Many of you have already found out and others will find out in the course of their lives that truth eludes us if we do not concentrate with total attention on its pursuit. And even while it eludes us, the illusion still lingers of knowing it and leads to many misunderstandings. Also, truth is seldom pleasant; it is almost invariably bitter. There is some bitterness in my speech today, too. But I want to stress that it comes not from an adversary but from a friend.

* '''Socialism of any type leads to a total destruction of the human spirit and to a leveling of mankind into death.'''

* I have spent all my life under a Communist regime, and I will tell you that a society without any objective legal scale is a terrible one indeed. But a society with no other scale but the legal one is not quite worthy of man either.

* Hastiness and superficiality are the psychic diseases of the twentieth century, and more than anywhere else this disease is reflected in the press.

* A decline in courage may be the most striking feature that an outside observer notices in the West today. The Western world has lost its civic courage, both as a whole and separately, in each country, in each government, in each political party, and, of course, in the United Nations. Such a decline in courage is particularly noticeable among the ruling and intellectual elites, causing an impression of a loss of courage by the entire society. There are many courageous individuals, but they have no determining influence on public life. &lt;br&gt; Political and intellectual functionaries exhibit this depression, passivity, and perplexity in their actions and in their statements, and even more so in their self-serving rationales as to how realistic, reasonable, and intellectually and even morally justified it is to base state policies on weakness and cowardice. And the decline in courage, at times attaining what could be termed a lack of manhood, is ironically emphasized by occasional outbursts and inflexibility on the part of those same functionaries when dealing with weak governments and with countries that lack support, or with doomed currents which clearly cannot offer resistance. But they get tongue-tied and paralyzed when they deal with powerful governments and threatening forces, with aggressors and international terrorists.&lt;br&gt; Should one point out that from ancient times decline in courage has been considered the beginning of the end?
** Variant translation: A loss of courage may be the most striking feature which an outside observer notices in the West in our days...

* However, the most cruel mistake occurred with the failure to understand the Vietnam war. Some people sincerely wanted all wars to stop just as soon as possible; others believed that there should be room for national, or communist, self-determination in Vietnam, or in Cambodia, as we see today with particular clarity. But members of the U.S. anti-war movement wound up being involved in the betrayal of Far Eastern nations, in a genocide and in the suffering today imposed on 30 million people there. Do those convinced pacifists hear the moans coming from there? Do they understand their responsibility today? Or do they prefer not to hear?

* Without any censorship, in the West fashionable trends of thought and ideas are carefully separated from those which are not fashionable; nothing is forbidden, but what is not fashionable will hardly ever find its way into periodicals or books or be heard in colleges. Legally your researchers are free, but they are conditioned by the fashion of the day. There is no open violence such as in the East; however, a selection dictated by fashion and the need to match mass standards frequently prevent independent-minded people from giving their contribution to public life. There is a dangerous tendency to form a herd, shutting off successful development.

* Should someone ask me whether I would indicate the West such as it is today as a model to my country, frankly I would have to answer negatively. No, I could not recommend your society in its present state as an ideal for the transformation of ours.

* But the fight for our planet, physical and spiritual, a fight of cosmic proportions, is not a vague matter of the future; it has already started. The forces of Evil have begun their decisive offensive, you can feel their pressure, and yet your screens and publications are full of prescribed smiles and raised glasses. '''What is the joy about?'''

* On the way from the Renaissance to our days we have enriched our experience, but we have lost the concept of a Supreme Complete Entity which used to restrain our passions and our irresponsibility. We have placed too much hope in political and social reforms, only to find out that we were being deprived of our most precious possession: our spiritual life. In the East, it is destroyed by the dealings and machinations of the ruling party. In the West, commercial interests tend to suffocate it. This is the real crisis. The split in the world is less terrible than the similarity of the disease plaguing its main sections.

* If humanism were right in declaring that man is born to be happy, he would not be born to die. Since his body is doomed to die, his task on earth evidently must be of a more spiritual nature. It cannot be unrestrained enjoyment of everyday life. It cannot be the search for the best ways to obtain material goods and then cheerfully get the most out of them. It has to be the fulfillment of a permanent, earnest duty so that one's life journey may become an experience of moral growth, so that one may leave life a better human being than one started it. It is imperative to review the table of widespread human values. Its present incorrectness is astounding. It is not possible that assessment of the President's performance be reduced to the question of how much money one makes or of unlimited availability of gasoline. Only voluntary, inspired self-restraint can raise man above the world stream of materialism.

* '''Even if we are spared destruction by war, our lives will have to change if we want to save life from self-destruction.''' We cannot avoid revising the fundamental definitions of human life and human society. Is it true that man is above everything? Is there no Superior Spirit above him? Is it right that man's life and society's activities have to be determined by material expansion in the first place? Is it permissible to promote such expansion to the detriment of our spiritual integrity?&lt;br&gt; If the world has not come to its end, it has approached a major turn in history, equal in importance to the turn from the Middle Ages to the Renaissance. It will exact from us a spiritual upsurge, we shall have to rise to a new height of vision, to a new level of life where our physical nature will not be cursed as in the Middle Ages, but, even more importantly, our spiritual being will not be trampled upon as in the Modern era. &lt;br&gt; This ascension will be similar to climbing onto the next anthropologic stage. '''No one on earth has any other way left but — upward.'''

* The disappearance of nations would impoverish us no less than if all peoples were made alike, with one character, one face. Nations are the wealth of mankind, they are its generalized personalities: the smallest of them has its own particular colors, and embodies a particular facet of God's design.

===Interview With [[Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn]] on the New Russia and Ukraine (May 1994)===
[https://www.forbes.com/2008/08/05/solzhenitsyn-forbes-interview-oped-cx_pm_0804russia.html by Paul Klebnikov, in the (9 May 1994), issue] of [[w:Forbes magazine|''Forbes magazine'']]
*[[Henry Kissinger]], [[Zbigniew Brzezinski]], [historian] [[Richard Pipes]] and many other American politicians... are frozen... with unchanging blindness and stubbornness they keep repeating... this theory about the supposed age-old aggressiveness of [[Russia]], without taking into consideration today's [[reality]].
*Imagine that one not very fine day two or three of your states in the [[w:Southwestern United States|Southwest]], in the space of 24 hours, declare themselves independent of the [[United States|U.S.]]... declare themselves a fully sovereign nation, decreeing that [[Spanish language|Spanish]] will be the only language. All [[English language|English]]-speaking residents, even if their ancestors have lived there for 200 years, have to take a test in the Spanish language within one or two years and swear [[allegiance]] to the new nation. Otherwise they will not receive [[citizenship]] and be deprived of civic, property and employment  rights. What would be the reaction of the United States? I have no doubt that it would be immediate military intervention. Today Russia faces precisely this scenario. 
*[[W:History of Russia (1991–present)|In 24 hours]] she lost eight to 10 purely Russian provinces, 25 million ethnic Russians who have ended up in this very way--as &quot;undesirable aliens.&quot; In places where their fathers, grandfathers, great-grandfathers have lived since way back--even from the 17th century--they face persecution in their jobs and the suppression of their culture, education and language...
*[[W:Dissolution of the Soviet Union|Russia today]] is terribly sick... But even so, have a [[conscience]] and don’t demand that – just to please America – Russia throw away the last vestiges of her concern for her security and her unprecedented collapse. After all, this concern in no way threatens the United States....
*Why does the [[w:United States Department of State|(U.S.) State Department]] decide who should get [[w:Sevastopol|Sevastopol]]?... 
*As a result of the sudden and crude fragmentation of the intermingled Slavic peoples, the borders have torn apart millions of ties of family and friendship. Is this acceptable? The [[W:2004 Ukrainian presidential election|recent elections in Ukraine]], for instance, clearly show the [Russian] sympathies of the Crimean and Donets populations. And a [[democracy]] must respect this....
*I myself am nearly half Ukrainian. I grew up with the sounds of Ukrainian speech. I love her culture and genuinely wish all kinds of success for Ukraine--but only within her real ethnic boundaries, without grabbing Russian provinces. ...
*And not in the form of a &quot;great power,&quot; the concept on which Ukrainian nationalists have placed their bets. They are acting out and trumpeting a cult of force, persistently inflating [[Russia]] into the image of an &quot;enemy.&quot; Militant slogans are proclaimed. And the Ukrainian army is being indoctrinated with the propaganda that war with Russia is inevitable.

*For every country, [[W:Superpower|great power status]] deforms and harms the national [[character]]. I have never wished great power status for [[Russia]], and do not wish it for the [[United States]]. I don't wish it for Ukraine. She would not be able to perform even the cultural task required to achieve great power status: In her current borders, 63% of the population consider Russian to be their native language... And all these people will have to be re-educated in the Ukrainian language...
*Before the [[Russian Revolution|Russian revolution]], they [U.S. and Russia] were natural allies. You know that during the American Civil War, Russia supported Lincoln and the North [in contrast to Britain and France, which supported the Confederacy]. Then, we were effectively allies in the First World War. But beginning with communism, Russia ceased to exist. ...

*Yet an official U.S. document from 1959, the Law 86-90, does not include Russia in the list of nations oppressed by [[communism]]. On the contrary, &quot;Russian [[imperialism]],&quot; not communism, is held responsible for the conquest of some 20 countries--even China, Tibet and some made-up place called &quot;Kazakia.&quot; ('Cossackia') - One is amazed that this silly law is still on the books, even today....This was not Russian imperialism, which in the past only expanded its borders somewhat. This was communist imperialism, which aimed to take over the whole world... This is complete delirium! When was Russia ever in Africa? When did Russia ever want to snatch Angola or Cuba? When was she ever in Latin America? The historical Russia has never tried to take over the world, whereas the communists had precisely this aim...

*If one recalls the tactless declaration of [[George H. W. Bush|President Bush]] about supporting [[Ukrainian]] sovereignty even before the referendum on that matter, one must conclude that all this stems from '''a common aim: to use all means possible, no matter what the consequences, to weaken Russia'''....

*If one looks far into the future, one can foresee in the [[21st century]] such a time when the U.S. together with Europe will be in dire need of Russia as an ally. ...It is puzzling only for those who don't look into the future and do not see what kind of new powers are arising in the world...

=== Interview with Joseph Pearce (2003) ===
[[File:Vladimir Putin with Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn-1.jpg|thumb| We are exiting from [[communism]] in a most unfortunate and awkward way. It would have been difficult to design a path out of communism worse than the one that has been followed.]] 
[[File:Alexander Solzhenitsyn in Moscow, December 1998.jpg|thumb|Untouched by the breath of [[God]], unrestricted by [[human]] [[conscience]], both [[capitalism]] and [[socialism]] are repulsive.]]
:&lt;small&gt; Interview published in [http://www.catholiceducation.org/en/culture/art/an-interview-with-alexander-solzhenitsyn.html ''St. Austin Review'' 2 no. 2 (February 2003)]&lt;/small&gt;

* '''We are exiting from [[communism]] in a most unfortunate and awkward way.''' It would have been difficult to design a path out of communism worse than the one that has been followed. Our [[government]] declared that it is conducting some kind of great reforms. In reality, no real reforms were begun and no one at any point has declared a coherent programme. The name of &quot;reform&quot; simply covers what is latently a process of the [[theft]] of the national heritage.

* In different places over the years I have had to prove that [[socialism]], which to many western thinkers is a sort of kingdom of [[justice]], was in fact full of [[coercion]], of [[bureaucratic]] [[greed]] and [[corruption]] and [[avarice]], and consistent within itself that socialism cannot be implemented without the aid of coercion. Communist [[propaganda]] would sometimes include statements such as &quot;we include almost all the commandments of the Gospel in our [[ideology]]&quot;. The difference is that the Gospel asks all this to be achieved through [[love]], through self-limitation, but socialism only uses coercion. This is one point. &lt;br /&gt; '''Untouched by the breath of [[God]], unrestricted by [[human]] [[conscience]], both [[capitalism]] and socialism are repulsive.'''

* Of course, one cannot declare that only my faith is correct and all other faiths are not. Of course God is endlessly multi-dimensional so every religion that exists on earth represents some face, some side of God. One must not have any negative attitude to any religion but nonetheless the depth of understanding God and the depth of applying God's commandments is different in different religions. In this sense we have to admit that Protestantism has brought everything down only to faith. &lt;br /&gt; Calvinism says that nothing depends on man, that faith is already predetermined. Also in its sharp protest against Catholicism, Protestantism rushed to discard together with ritual all the mysterious, the mythical and mystical aspects of the Faith. In that sense it has impoverished religion.

* The thing is that religion itself cannot but be dynamic which is why &quot;return&quot; is an incorrect term. '''A return to the forms of religion which perhaps existed a couple of centuries ago is absolutely impossible'''. On the contrary, in order to combat modern materialistic mores, as religion must, to fight [[nihilism]] and [[egotism]], religion must also develop, must be flexible in its forms, and it must have a correlation with the cultural forms of the epoch. Religion always remains higher than everyday life. In order to make the elevation towards religion easier for people, religion must be able to alter its forms in relation to the consciousness of modern man.

== Quotes about Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn ==
[[File:Funeral of Alexander Solzhenitsyn-3.jpg|thumb|The extraordinary [[political]] and [[intellectual]] feat of Solzhenitsyn was to emerge from the [[hell]] of concentration camp to tell the [[story]] ... in [[books]] whose [[moral]] and documentary [[force]] has no parallel in modern [[history]]. ~ [[Mario Vargas Llosa]] ]]
:&lt;small&gt;Sorted alphabetically by author or source&lt;/small&gt;

* '''The extraordinary political and intellectual feat of Solzhenitsyn was to emerge from the hell of concentration camp to tell the story... in books whose moral and documentary force has no parallel in modern history.'''
** [[Mario Vargas Llosa]], in the review of ''Archipiélago Gulag I: Ensayo de investigación literaria (1918-1956)'' (2005), Tusquets Editores

* '''Solzhenitsyn is a man of exemplary nobility and extreme bravery.''' A powerful novelist and an indispensable historian, he is an artist and moralist who has taken unto himself the suffering of his countrymen and has magnificently indicted a monstrous system in the name of the Soviet people and of Russian history.
** [[Arthur M. Schlesinger, Jr.]], ''The Cycles of American History'' (1999), p. 112

* Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn is a literary [[genius]] whose talent matches that of [[Dostoevsky]], Turgueniev, [[Tolstoy|Tolstoi]], Gorki.
** [[w:Harrison Salisbury|Harrison Salisbury]], ''The New York Times'', (1991)

* He is a bad novelist and a fool. The combination usually makes for great popularity in the US.
** [[Gore Vidal]], ''Views from a Window: Conversations with Gore Vidal'', edited R. J. Staton (1980)

* '''He is our only living classic.'''
** [[Yevgeny Yevtushenko]] in 1968; as quoted in the article [http://www.nytimes.com/books/98/03/01/home/solz-circle.html &quot;The World As Prison&quot; by Harrison E. Salisbury in ''The New York Times'' (15 September 1968)]

== External links ==
*{{wikipedia-inline}}
*{{commonscat-inline}}
* [http://nobelprize.org/nobel_prizes/literature/laureates/1970/solzhenitsyn-autobio.html Autobiographical sketch at the official Nobel site]
* [http://solzhenicyn.ru/modules/pages/Biografiya_Solzhenicyna.html Other variants of Solzhenitsyn's biography] {{ru icon}}
{{Social and political philosophers}}

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'''''[[w:Cow and Chicken|Cow and Chicken]]''''' is an American [[w:cartoon series|animated]] [[w:television comedy|comedy]] television series created by [[w:David Feiss|David Feiss]] for [[w:Cartoon Network|Cartoon Network]], and the 3rd of the network's [[w:Cartoon Cartoons|Cartoon Cartoons]]. It follows the [[w:surreal humor|surreal]] adventures of two [[w:funny animal|funny animal]] siblings, Cow and Chicken. They are often antagonized by the Red Guy, a cartoon [[w:Satan|Devil]] who poses as various characters to scam them.

==Theme song==
:'''Chicken''': Mama had a chicken!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cow''': Mama had a cow!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cow &amp; Chicken''': ''[in unison]'' Dad was proud, and he didn't care how!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Theme song plays'''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cow''': Cow!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Theme song plays more'''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Chicken''': Chicken!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Theme song plays more'''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cow &amp; Chicken''': Cow and Chicken!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Theme song plays more'''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Red Guy starts laughing and flashes his butt a little'''

== Season 1 ==

===&quot;Field Trip to Folsom Prison Blues / Girls' Bathroom&quot;===
:'''Cow''': [''gasps''] Chicken, that is a good way to lose a beak!
:'''Chicken''': Ah, shut up, Cow! Mind your own Beeswax! [''gets hit with sign''] What?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Chicken''':[''pretending to be an inmate and slyly pantsing the warden''] Jailbreak!

:'''Guard''': ''[panicking]'' Sound the alarm! ''[The guard falls down and the inmates laugh at him. He is then insulted and grabs Chicken pretending to be Red.] Lockdown!''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Chicken''': Eat this, you filthy screw.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Inmate''': Way to go, Red.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Chicken''': [To Red as the Warden] I gotta be home by 8:00 or I'm in big trouble! Anyhow, Mom is making pork butts and taters. She only makes it on Tuesdays; it's my favorite!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dad''': Chicken, the warden of Folsom Prison just called. 
:'''Chicken''': I know what he said; I did time at the big house 'cause I pantsed the guard!
===&quot;Supermodel Cow / Part Time Job&quot;===

:'''Cow''': That's it! I'll get a part-time job at the milk farm. I'll make money to buy Crabs the Warthog
:'''Chicken''': You think they want your milk? It says the finest cows on Earth, not Mars!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dr. Chunks''': WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU MAN?! CAN'T YOU READ?! &quot;NO CHICKEN MILK!!&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Chicken''': Hey, Mr. Hiney! When do I get paid for this gig?
:'''The Red Guy''': Oh, you won't need any money where you're going, little fella...
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

===&quot;Alive! / Who Is Supercow?&quot;===

:'''Mom''': Where would we be without you , Boneless Chicken?
:'''Boneless Chicken''': Where? Well, you'd be up a creek without a paddle or burning your bridges before they're hatched. Who can say, really?
[Mom, Dad, and Chicken laugh at Boneless' joke.]
:'''Dad''': Oh, Boneless, you always kill us! 
:'''Boneless Chicken''': Ah, go on.
:'''Dad''': Will you be needing anything while we're away?
:'''Boneless Chicken''': Sure, how 'bout a spine for my limp and lifeless body? [Mom, Dad, and Chicken laugh once more as they soon head for Chicken's parent-teacher conference.]
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Cow''': Oh, Mom and Dad! I missed you both so much these long months of being marooned.
:'''Dad''': Sweetheart, we've only been gone half an hour for Chicken's parent-teacher conference.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''The Red Guy''': Superheroes, are your leotards starting to stink? Is your booties getting brittle? IS YOUR CAPE KIND OF CRUDDY?! Well, come on over to Hiney Beau Dry Cleaners, where if you're a superhero, your CLEANING is free!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''The Red Guy''': [''holds up a sweetcorn-based superhero costume in disdain''] &quot;Corn-Cobb Man&quot;?! There's a lotta sick people in this town.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

===&quot;Confused / The Molting Fairy&quot;===

:'''Cow''': Mom always says not to go to the carnival naked.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''The Red Guy''': Got any scabs?! They could be worth gold.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

===&quot;The Ugliest Weenie&quot;===

:'''Red Guy''': Oh, we're flat out of time! Stay tuned after the commercial break! And maybe we'll show you the rest of the play! Or maybe we'll fill the time up with even more commercials! [''laughs maniacally'']
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Cow''': Didn't you remember mom always says we should never run into a burning school auditorium?
:'''Chicken''': It must've slipped my mind!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;


===&quot;Orthodontic Police / Cow with Four Eyes&quot;===
:'''The Red Guy''': [''as the Orthodontic Policeman''] What are you people, a bunch of communists?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Teacher''': Nothing is more important than straight teeth. Well, at least that's what the pantsless policeman said.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''The Red Guy''':''[After getting his butt kicked by Supercow, he removes the last of the braces off the police officer]'' There, that's the last one.
:''[The policeman happily eats his doughnut and runs laughing.]''
:'''The Red Guy''':''[Revealing to wear the permanent braces with a satellite attached to it.]'' Okay, I did what you said, I removed the braces off everybody. Now can you take off mine?! That was the deal.
:'''Chicken''': Oh, I wish we could, but we have already rented you out as a Satellite Tracking Dish.
:''[Cow and Chicken laugh as the Red Guy drives away after satellites drop from the sky]''
:'''The Red Guy''': Is there a real orthodontist in the house?

===&quot;Cow Instincts, Don't It? / Ballerina Cow&quot;===

:'''Cow''': I'm a big fat loser!
:'''Chicken''': I could have told you the big and fat part.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

===&quot;Chicken's First Kiss / Squirt the Daisies&quot;=== 

:'''Winney''': Hi Chicken! I like your wattle! Do you clean it with special soap to make it so shiny?!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mom''': Oh Chicken! You don't get cooties from being kissed; listen to Father!
:'''Chicken''': You don't?
:'''Dad''': No son. you get them from...toilet seats.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

===&quot;Space Cow / The Legend of Sailcat&quot;===

:'''Chicken''': [''to Cow''] They'd never let you go in outer space. There's no room!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

===&quot;Headhunting in Oregon / The King and Queen of Cheese&quot;=== 

:'''Dad''': We're going to Oregon to find some head hunters.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Red Guy''': Walter Jeans-Begone, headhunter guide, at your service!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''The Red Guy''': Hello! It's me, Larry Lackapants, Arkansas Cheese master, soon to be the King &amp; Queen of Cheese!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

== Season 2 ==
===&quot;Fluffy the Anaconda / The Laughing Puddle&quot;===
:'''Chicken''': Is anything in this cartoon ever going to make sense?

===&quot;Tounge Sandwich / Dream Date Chicken&quot;===
:'''Cow''': [Humming as she runs the vacuum]
:'''Mom''': Chicken, why don't you take a hint from your sister and take out the garbage?
:'''Chicken''': [Begins raging] Stop rattin' on me! Why do I always have to do everything around here?! [''Breaks the T.V.''] GET OFF MY CASE! [''Banging his fists the walls in tune with his line'']
:'''Mom''': Honey, talk to your son; I had just about all I can take. [''Runs away, crying'']
:'''Dad''': Listen here, Chief: when you're all grown up and living like some hopped up and crazy bachelor, you can sleep on a pile of garbage for all I care! But as long as you're living under my roof, you've got to live by my rules!
:'''Chicken''': But-
:'''Dad''': That's it! I'll have no back-talk, Mister! You're grounded! [''Chicken goes into his room and slams the door''] [''Cow opens the door and gasps'']
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Cow''': Where are you going?
:'''Chicken''': I am runnin' away to be a bachelor with cousin Boneless Chicken. No one tells him what to do; he just lays around his cool bachelor pad and does whatever he wants. Hasta la adiós, Cow. [''Chicken hops out of the window'']
:'''Cow''': Adiós, big brother. [Moos. She then tears up and turns to her own bedroom] Oh, Chicken's a grown-up bachelor, and... I'm all alone! [Sits on the floor and cries] Ooh, I want to play grown-up bachelor, too! [Continues crying]

===&quot;Dirty Laundry / Grizzly Beaver Safari&quot;===
:'''The Red Guy''': Geraldo Rearviewa, Super Cow critic.

===&quot;The Bad News Plastic Surgeons / The Exchange Stüdent&quot;===
:'''Teacher''': Everybody just shut your porktraps for a minute!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''The Red Guy''': Plastic surgery isn’t just a sport, it’s a way of life.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''The Red Guy''': Oh, I like your spirit. You’re hired. Oh, by the way, who did your wattle?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''The Red Guy''': Which one of you weenies is our victim-slash-volunteer?
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Cow''': Nip and tuck, short and curl, my brother Chicken is not a girl!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Chicken''': Couldn’t have done this without you, Dr. Hiney.
:'''The Red Guy''': Oh please call me Dr. Hiney.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Policeman''': Hey, it says here you're a plastic pipe salesman from bend Oregon!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Chicken''': He wasn’t even a New Mexican...
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Cow''': Mom! Dad! Photo-realistic beaver is teasing me again!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

==Season 3==

===&quot;Chicken in the Bathroom&quot;===
:''[Mom has ordered Chicken to stay in the tub until he takes a bath, and Mom, Dad, and Cow need to use the toilet]''
:'''Dad''': Chicken? Hurry up and take that bath, I gotta get in there!
:'''Chicken''': No dice.
:'''Cow''': Chicken? Are you done yet? I need to visit the reading room...to read?
:'''Mom''': Me too, Chicken, can I, um, use the bathroom too?
:'''Dad''': Come on son, I gotta core the apple!
:'''Mom''': I have to launch the raft!
:'''Dad''': Come on Chicken, I have to brick up the chimney!
:'''Cow''': I need to stir the bean, big brother! Will you be much longer?
:'''Chicken''': I ain't takin' no bath!
:'''Dad''': Come on! I gotta, uh, uh, feed the ducks.
:'''Cow''': Why don’t you just get it over with, Chicken? I need to wax the board!
:'''Chicken''': The bathroom is closed for the duration.
:'''Dad''': Chicken! For crying out loud, I gotta jump the gun!
:'''Mom''': ''I can't hold it any longer!'' ...Could you please hurry honey?
:'''Cow''': ''I gotta peel the onions!''
:'''Chicken''': How rude! Not while I am in the tub, bub!
:'''Mom''': Hurry up! Chicken! I gotta wash the window!
:'''Dad''': I gotta make peace with the Germans!
:'''Mom''': Gotta run for Congress here!
:'''All three''': Come on Chicken, take a bath already!
:'''Cow''': Chicken! It’s time to flip the pickles!
:'''Dad''': Come on, Chicken!
:'''Mom''': I gotta resole the family christen!
:'''Cow''': I simply must pull the rip cord!
:'''Dad''': I must wash the windows!
:'''Mom''': I, I, I gotta spoon the balls!
:'''Cow''': Let the little puppies run! Please?
:'''Dad''': Gotta shake hands with the President!
:'''Mom''': Gotta press the issue!
:'''Cow''': Chicken, I need to let the cat out!
:'''Dad''': It’s time to drive the governor home...
:'''Mom''': I...need...to...stuff...the...olives!
:'''Cow''': Have to shuck the corn!
:'''Mom''': Oooh! It is time to ''burp the baby''!
:'''Cow''': May I please stabber out the facts?
:'''Mom''': I...I...got...to...strike...my...pansy!
:'''Cow''': Lay some carpet, por favor!
:'''Dad''': Gotta talk to the boss! THAT IS IT, CHICKEN!!! 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dad''' Ready or Not Chicken!, Son, if you don’t take a bath, then we’ll give you one!
:'''Chicken''': (gasps)
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

===Chicken Lips===


:'''Chicken''': Not only am I not a boy, I'm not even a chicken! ''[breaks into tears]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cow''': Ooh, I hope my big bwudder is gonna be okay, oh, if only I hadn't been whistwing in fwont of him, he wouwdn't have faced in dis wife, oh...I wish I nevew whistwed again in my wife!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cow''': Evewyone can whistwe, Chicken, it is one of wife's speciaw out gifts.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;


===101 Uses For Cow and Chicken===
:'''Cow''': ''[with a price tag on her labelled 19 cent]'' My buns are only 19 cents? ''[tearfully]'' '''I AM SO''' '''''CHEAP!!!''''' ''[sobbing and mooing]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Red Guy''': GOOD MORNING! Coffee, grandma? I think you'd make a ''great'' coffee cup. ''[opens up Chicken's beak, pours coffee in him, and starts spilling the coffee on himself]'' It leaks.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Red Guy''': ''[uses Chicken as a face towel]'' Hey, you're not ''bad'' as a towel! ''[looks at himself in the mirror; gasps]'' Oh! I didn't brush my teeth this year! Guess what ''you'' get to be! [squirts toothpaste on Chicken and starts brushing his teeth with him; spits in the sink] Ooh. I NEED A NICE CLOSE SHAVE! [sharpens Chicken's beak on a belt; starts shaving his chin and his tongue with Chicken] [shaves his armpit] AHH! CAN'T YOU AT LEAST HUM A LITTLE?! WORK WITH ME HERE!
:'''Chicken''': ''[blows raspberry at him]''
:'''The Red Guy''':  THAT'S '''''IT!''''' NOW MY SHAVER'S SPITTING AT ME! I've been ripped off! YOU GUYS ARE USELESS! I'm taking you back to the store.

==Season 4==
===I Scream Man===
:'''Chicken''': My waddle is getting all wrinkly. I sure could use somethin' to wet my whistle. ''[Cow squirts milk at him]''  Somethin' besides ''that''.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Cow and Chicken get caught by Dad while trying to catch the Arbor Day Pig.]''
:'''Cow''': We're busted.
:'''Dad''': Oh, you kids know that you can't open this piggie until Arbor Day. ''[Arbor Day Pig has sticker labelled &quot;Do Not Open 'Til Arbor Day&quot; on his butt]''
:'''Arbor Day Pig''': Ha!
:'''Dad''': And that's three days away. ''[Pig blows raspberry, but then gasps]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Red Guy''': DING DING '''''DING''''' DING DING DING DING! STUPID SONG IS DRIVING ME... nuts!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Red Guy''': ''[with Cow and Chicken chasing him]'' THIS IS MADNESS!!! ''[screams]'' LEAVE ME ALONE!!!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Red Guy''': Oh ''crud''! I must've thrown out all my ice cream at those funny-looking kids. ''[gives Chicken ice cubes in an ice cream cone]'' Here you go, duck.
:'''Chicken''': Hey! This is just a ''cone'' with ice cubes in it!
:'''The Red Guy''': And your point is? '''''NEXT!''''' 
:'''Cow''': Do you have any gravy freezies?
:'''The Red Guy''': NO!
:'''Cow''': Frozen pork buttocks?
:'''The Red Guy''': NO!
:'''Cow''': A beaver-tail cone surprise?
:'''The Red Guy''': How about a beaver ''in'' a cone? ''[pulls out a beaver in a cone]'' SURPRISE! ''[leaps out of his ice cream truck]'' AAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! I DON'T ''HAVE'' ANY ICE CREAM NONE WHATSO'''''EVER!''''' I don't even like ice cream. OR ''KIDS''! It says &quot;I Scream&quot; on my truck, not ice cream! Get it? Cause... I '''''SCREAM!''''' Look at me. ''[spins in circles]'' '''''AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!''''' Ooh. ''[chuckles]'' Screaming is my hobby!
:'''Police Officer''': ''[hits The Red Guy with sausage]'' It's the padded cell for you, scream man!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mom''': How about some frozen Arbor Day piggie pops?
:'''Arbor Day Pig''': PIGGIE POPS?! OKAY! THAT IS ''IT''! TIME OUT! I've put enough with psychological torture for one pig! YOU GUYS ARE '''''CANNIBALS!''''' DO YOU '''''HEAR''''' ME?! YOU'RE ALL OFF YOUR ''NUT!'' ''[runs away screaming]''
:'''Mom''': What is up with ''that''?
:'''Dad''': You know, Mama, we lose more Arbor Day piggies that way.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Red Guy''': No actual Arbor Day piggies were hurt during the making of this film. But ''I'' was. My feelings were hurt! More than once! There was the first time in scene 40 and that once in scene 57 and... did you know that I do my own STUNTS? No stunt double for The Red Guy, oh no, no, no, no. ''[looks around]'' Feiss will not spring for that, no! I'm not good enough for a STUNT DOUBLE! ''[starts sobbing]'' OH, LIFE'S NOT FAIR! Alright you can end now. ''[laughs]'' END!

===The Cow and Chicken Blues/The Ballad of Cow and Chicken===
:''[last lines of the series]''
:'''The Red Guy''': Yeah! hold it, It was brilliant! Bravo! Get up, my little crab friends. Ow! oh, oh. Ow! oh, oh. Ha, ha, ha, ha! Easy with the pinchers. Ow! ow! oh. I did not have to bring you guys tonight! Looks like Red Guy always gets in the END! Ha, ha, ha, ha!

==Voice cast==
* [[w:Charlie Adler|Charlie Adler]] as Cow, Chicken, The Red Guy and Boneless Chicken.
* [[w:Dee Bradley Baker|Dee Bradley Baker]] as Dad.
* [[w:Candi Milo|Candi Milo]] as Mom and Teacher.
* [[w:Howard Morris|Howard Morris]] as Flem.
* [[w:Dan Castellaneta|Dan Castellaneta]] as Earl.

==External Links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0118289|title=Cow and Chicken}}

[[Category:1990s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:1990s American surreal comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Cartoon Network original series]]
[[Category:Cartoon Network Studios]]
[[Category:Teletoon Retro shows]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about children]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about siblings]]
[[Category:TV shows about cows]]
[[Category:TV shows about chickens]]
[[Category:Television series by Hanna-Barbera]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>A Bug's Life</title>
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      <text bytes="12699" xml:space="preserve">{{DISPLAYTITLE:''A Bug&amp;#39;s Life''}}
'''''[[w:A Bug's Life|A Bug's Life]]''''' is a computer animated film, released by [[w:Disney|Disney]] and [[w:Pixar|Pixar]] to theatres in [[w:1998 in film|1998]]. It concerns an oddball ant named Flik, who recruits circus bugs to defend his colony from grasshoppers. The story is an interpretation of the classic Kurosawa film, ''[[The Seven Samurai]]''.

==Flik==

* ''[after Heimlich suggests that he tell the truth]'' They can't! They can't know the truth! The truth, you see, is bad! I will be branded with this mistake for the rest of my life! My children's children will walk down the street, and people will point and say &quot;Look! There goes the spawn of Flik the Loser!&quot;

* ''[to Hopper]'' Ants are ''not'' meant to serve grasshoppers! I've seen these ants do great things, and year after year, they somehow managed to pick food for themselves ''and'' you. So-so who's the weaker species? Ants don't serve grasshoppers! It's ''you'' who need ''us''! We're a lot stronger than you say we are. And you know it, don't you?

==Princess Atta==

* You see, Hopper, nature has a certain order. The ants pick the food, the ants keep the food, and the grasshoppers... ''LEAVE!''

==Dialogue==
:'''P.T.''': We're losin' the audience! You clowns get out there now!
:'''Heimlich''': I hate performing on an empty stomach!
:'''P.T.''': Do your act, Heimlich, then you can eat.
:'''Slim''': P.T., what's the point?
:'''P.T.''': Not now, Slim.
:'''Slim''': What's the point of going out there? They'll only laugh at me.
:'''P.T.''': That's because you're a ''CLOWN!''
:'''Slim''': No, it's because I'm a ''PROP!'' You always cast me as the broom! The pole! The stick! ''A splinter!''
:'''P.T.''': You're a walking stick! IT'S FUNNY! '''NOW, GO!'''
:'''Slim''': You parasite.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Fly 1''': ''[to Francis]'' Hey, cutie! Wanna pollinate with a real bug? ''[laughs]''
:''[Francis flies up to the pair of flies and throws his hat off]''
:'''Francis''': So, bein' a ladybug automatically makes me a girl! Is that it, flyboy?! Huh?!
:'''Fly 2''': Yikes!
:'''Fly 1''': She's a guy!
:'''Heimlich''': Francis, leave them alone! They are poo-poo heads!
:'''P.T.''': Not again!
:'''Francis''': Judging by your breath, you must have been buzzin' around a dung heap all day!
:'''Slim''': Come on, Francis. You're making the maggots cry.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Hopper''': So, where is it? Where's my FOOD?!
:'''Atta''': I-Isn't it up there?
:'''Hopper''': What?
:'''Atta''': The food was sitting in a leaf on top--
:'''Hopper''': Excuse me.
:'''Atta''': Are you sure it's not up there?
:'''Hopper''': Are you saying I'm stupid?
:'''Atta''': No. 
:'''Hopper''': Do I look stupid... to you? Let's just think about the logic, shall we? Let's just think about it for a second. If it was ''up'' there, would I be coming down here, to your level, ''looking for it''?! Why am I even talking to you? You're not the queen. You don't smell like the queen.
:'''Queen''': She's learning to take over for me, Hopper.
:'''Hopper''': Oh, I see! Under new management. So it's ''your'' fault.
:'''Atta''': No, it wasn't me, it was--
:'''Hopper''': Uh-uh-uh. First rule of leadership: ''Everything'' is your fault.
:'''Atta''': But-But-I--
:'''Hopper''': It's a bug-eat-bug world out there, Princess, one of those circle-of-life kind of things. Now, let me tell you how things are supposed to work. The sun grows the food, the ants pick the food, the grasshoppers eat the food--
:'''Molt''': ''[interrupts Hopper]'' And the birds eat the grasshoppers. Hey, like the one that nearly ate you, you 'member? You 'member? Oh, you shoulda seen it. 
:'''Hopper''': Molt.
:'''Molt''': This blue jay has him halfway down his throat, okay? And Hopper's kickin' and screamin', okay? And I'm scared, okay? I'm not goin' anywhere near, okay? ''[Hopper approaches Molt]'' Aw, come on. It's a great story. ''[Hopper grabs his antennae]'' Ow! Ow! Ow!
:'''Hopper''': ''[pushes him against a wall]'' I ''swear'', if I hadn't promised Mother on her deathbed that I wouldn't kill you, I would ''kill'' you!
:'''Molt''': And believe me, no one appreciates that more than I do.
:'''Hopper''': Shut up! I don't want to hear another word out of you while we're on this island. Do you understand me? ''[Molt whimpers]'' I said, do you understand me?!
:'''Molt''': Well, how can I answer? You said I couldn't say another word. ''[Hopper enraged is about to punch him]'' Ah! Remember Ma!
:'''Hopper''': ''[turns and punches another grasshopper; calms down becoming reasonable]'' Hey, I'm a compassionate insect. There's still a few months till the rains come, so you can all just try again.
:'''Queen''': But, Hopper, since it's almost the rainy season, we need this time to gather food for ourselves.
:'''Hopper''': Listen, if you don't keep your end of the bargain, then I can't guarantee your safety. And there are insects out there that will take advantage of you. Someone could get hurt. ''[snaps his fingers and calls out Thumper who scares Dot so she runs away but is caught by Hopper]'' What's the matter? You scared of grasshoppers?
:'''Flik''': Dot!
:'''Hopper''': ''[Hopper picks her up and brings her closer to Thumper]'' You don't like Thumper? ''[he brings her up face to face with Thumper and he snarls and growls]''
:'''Flik''': ''[steps forward]'' Leave her alone!
:'''Hopper''': ''[turns to Flik]'' You want her? ''[holds Dot above Flik]'' Go ahead. Take her. ''[Flik stands down in fear]'' No? Then get ''back in line''. ''[Flik goes back in line]'' It seems to me that you ants are forgetting your place. So let's double the order of food.
:'''Atta''': No! But-But--
:'''Hopper''': We'll be back at the end of the season, when the last leaf falls. ''[pulls a skin flake off Molt and lets it slowly drop like a leaf]'' You ants have a nice summer. Let's ride!
:''[The grasshoppers all fly away and the entire colony stares at Flik, who chuckles nervously]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Fly''': Hey, waiter! I'm in my soup! I've been workin' out. Feel my wing. Yo! Two Black Flags over here! All right.
:'''Bug''': Hair of the dog you bit.
:'''Cockroach Waitress''': ''[in the bar]'' Hey, who ordered the Poo Poo Platter? ''[a bunch of flies swarm the dish she holds in the air]'' 
:'''Mosquito Waitress''': Here you go, Slick. Enjoy.
:'''Slick''': ''[takes one bite and his mouth starts to bubble]'' Ow! Ow! Hey, I said no salt!
:'''Flik''': Oh, pardon me, sir. I was wondering if I could talk to you for a moment. I represent a colony of ants, and I'm looking... I'm looking for tough bugs, you know, mean bugs, the sort of bugs...
:'''Slim''': Fired by a flea, how humiliating!
:'''Francis''': Let's face it. We stink.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Hopper''': Guys, order another round, because we're stayin' here!
:''[the other grasshoppers cheer]''
:'''Hopper''': What was I thinking? Going back to Ant Island. I mean, we just got here, and we have more than enough food to get us through the winter. Right? Why go back?
:''[the music continues and the rest of the gang begins to party again]''
:'''Hopper''': But there was that ant that stood up to me.
:'''Axel''': Yeah, but we can forget about him!
:'''Loco''': Yeah, it was just one ant.
:''[the rest of the gang agrees, mocking the ants]''
:'''Hopper''': Yeah, you're right! It's just ''one'' ant!
:'''Loco''': Yeah, boss. They're puny!
:'''Hopper''': Hmm, puny. Say, let's pretend this grain is a puny little ant. ''[throws the grain at Loco]'' Didn't that hurt?
:'''Loco''': Nope.
:'''Hopper''': Well, how 'bout this one? ''[throws another grain at Axel]''
:'''Axel''': Are you kiddin'?
:''[the other grasshoppers laugh]''
:'''Hopper''': Well, how 'bout this?
:''[he pulls the lid off the jar of grain and Axel and Loco are buried beneath the avalanche; Hopper then climbs on top of the grain pile]''
:'''Hopper''': You let one ant stand up to us, then they ''all'' might stand up. Those puny little ants outnumber us 100 to one. And if they ever figure that out, there goes our way of life! It's not about food. It's about keeping those ants in line. That's why we're going back! Does anybody else wanna stay?
:''[the grasshoppers are all set]''
:'''Molt''': He's quite the motivational speaker, isn't he?
:'''Hopper''': Let's ride!
:''[the grasshoppers fly off to Ant Island]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Slim''': Ladies and gentlebugs! Larvae of all stages! Rub your legs together for the world's greatest bug circus! 
:''[the circus wagon arrives with the circus music playing]''
:'''Hopper''': WAIT A MINUTE! ''[music screeches to a halt]''
:'''Heimlich''': ''[nervously]'' I think I'm going to wet myself!
:'''Francis''': ''[out of the corner of his mouth]'' Steady...
:'''Hopper''': What's going on here?
:'''Atta''': Well, uh...
:'''Slim''': Uh, yes. We were invited by Princess Atta as a surprise for your arrival.
:'''Hopper''': Squish 'em.
:''[Slim and Francis gasp; the grasshoppers advance on the circus bugs; Dim backs into the cannon launching Tuck and Roll out of it; they dance in front of the grasshoppers, singing their usual gibberish, then get into a fight]''
:'''Hopper''': Now, ''that's'' funny.
:''[he and the other grasshoppers sit back in their seats laughing hysterically]''
:'''Hopper''': I guess we could use a little entertainment. Looks like you did something right for once, Princess.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Hopper''': You piece of dirt! No, I'm wrong. You're lower than dirt. You're an ant! Let this be a lesson to all you ants! Ideas are very dangerous things! You are mindless, soil-shoving losers, put on this Earth to serve us!
:'''Flik''': You're wrong, Hopper. Ants are not meant to serve grasshoppers! I've seen these ants do great things, and year after year they somehow manage to pick food for themselves and you. So who is the weaker species? Ants don't serve grasshoppers! It's you who need us! We're a lot stronger than you say we are... And you know it, don't you?

== Taglines==
*An epic of miniature proportions.

==Cast==
* [[w:Dave Foley|Dave Foley]] - Flik (voice)
* [[Kevin Spacey]] - Hopper (voice)
* [[w:Julia Louis-Dreyfus|Julia Louis-Dreyfus]] - Princess Atta (voice)
* [[w:Hayden Panettiere|Hayden Panettiere]] - Dot (voice)
* [[w:Phyllis Diller|Phyllis Diller]] - The Queen (voice)
* [[w:Richard Kind|Richard Kind]] - Molt (voice)
* [[w:David Hyde Pierce|David Hyde Pierce]] - Slim (voice)
* [[w:Joe Ranft|Joe Ranft]] - Heimlich (voice)
* [[Denis Leary]] - Francis (voice)
* [[w:Jonathan Harris|Jonathan Harris]] - Manny (voice)
* [[Madeline Kahn]] - Gypsy (voice)
* [[w:Bonnie Hunt|Bonnie Hunt]] - Rosie (voice)
* [[w:Mike McShane|Mike McShane]] - Tuck and Roll (voice)
* [[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] - P.T. Flea (voice)
* [[Brad Garrett]] - Dim (voice)
* [[w:Roddy McDowall|Roddy McDowall]] - Mr. Soil (voice)
* [[w:Edie McClurg|Edie McClurg]] - Dr. Flora (voice)
* [[w:Alex Rocco|Alex Rocco]] - Thorny (voice)
* [[w:David Ossman|David Ossman]] - Cornelius (voice)
* [[w:David L. Lander|David L. Lander]] and [[Frank Welker]] - Thumper (voice)
* [[w:Jan Rabson|Jan Rabson]] and [[w:Carlos Alazraqui|Carlos Alazraqui]] - Axle and Loco (voice)
* Brian M. Rosen - Fly Brothers (voice)
* [[w:Jack Angel|Jack Angel]] - Thud (voice)
* [[Rodger Bumpass]] - Bar Mosquito (voice)
* [[w:Debi Derryberry|Debi Derryberry]] - Baby Maggots (voice)
* [[w:Jennifer Darling|Jennifer Darling]] - Momma Fly (voice)
* [[Ashley Tisdale]] - Lead Blueberry Scout (voice)
* [[w:John Lasseter|John Lasseter]] - Harry (voice)
* [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]] - Fly (voice)
* [[w:Ryan O'Donohue|Ryan O'Donohue]] and [[w:Sam Gifaldi|Sam Gifaldi]] - Dot's Boyfriends (voice)
* [[w:Philip Proctor|Phil Proctor]] - Slick (voice)
* Jordan Ranft - Dot's Friend (voice)
* Mickie McGowan - Cockroach Waitress (voice)
* [[w:Jess Harnell|Jess Harnell]] - Bus Beetle (voice)
* Brad Hall - Ant Hunter #1 (voice)
* [[w:Jeff Pidgeon|Jeff Pidgeon]] - Ant Hunter #2 (voice)
* [[w:Lee Unkrich|Lee Unkrich]] - Ant with Seed (voice)
* [[w:Bill Farmer|Bill Farmer]] - Seed Collector (voice)
* [[w:Corey Burton|Corey Burton]] - Nervous Ants (voice)
* Carole Jeghers - Baby Birds (voice)

== External Links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0120623|title=A Bug's Life}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Bug's Life, A}}
[[Category:1998 films]]
[[Category:1990s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:Films about animals]]
[[Category:Andrew Stanton films]]
[[Category:Circus films]]
[[Category:Films directed by John Lasseter]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Template talk:Hi</title>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-11T16:09:08Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>156.110.82.222</ip>
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      <comment>/* true way of the confeshions from the one who knows how */ new section</comment>
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      <text bytes="702" xml:space="preserve">Questions put on here by an anon visitor were moved to [[Wikiquote:Reference desk]]. --[[User:Aphaia|Aphaia]] 16:27, 6 Jun 2005 (UTC)

== true way of the confeshions from the one who knows how ==

ok yes your right you had every right in finding out the truth ok now you know its me and im ta,king this very sincere and yes i loved you and i still do noew you know why im not with no one cause of true love and yes i had to hear before i dosed off something about a child ok but im the already trained one ok so know just to let you know you did it right that i how i got taugt                                       ok [[Special:Contributions/156.110.82.222|156.110.82.222]] 16:09, 11 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
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    <title>Spider-Man (1994 TV series)</title>
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        <ip>2A00:23C7:8583:BA01:ADEB:F22F:AE73:E043</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* E07 - The Man Without Fear */</comment>
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      <text bytes="142456" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Spiderman_cosplay.jpg|thumb|When he’s in Peter mode, I wanted to emphasize the [[youth]] and [[insecurity]] and [[wonder]]. When I was in Spider-Man mode, I wanted to emphasize the push back of the [[heroic]] nature and the [[will]] asserting itself to overcome these obstacles the character has.]]
[[File:Tingling_(4055018578).jpg|thumb|I used to tell my writers, 'We're doing the Peter Parker show. We're not doing the Spider-Man show. Let's approach it from Peter's life. Spider-Man is just one of the many complications with his life.' And I think that's one of the reasons why the show is still resonating with people…it's not about explosions and superpowers and costumes.]]
[[File:DSC 0213 (6273392706).jpg|thumb|Mary Jane was never the real issue in Peter's life. Peter's [[insecurities]] were. And once those are fixed his [[problems]], as a [[character]], and as a [[hero]] in the [[Joseph Campbell]] tradition, are over.]]
'''''[[w:Spider-Man (1994 TV series)|Spider-Man: The Animated Series]]''''' was a television series featuring the [[Marvel Comics|Marvel comics]] [[w:Superhero|superhero]] [[w:Spider-Man|Spider-Man]], which ran for five seasons (65 episodes) starting  November 19, 1994 and finishing January 31, 1998.

== SEASON 1 ==
=== ''E01 - Night of the Lizard'' ===
[[File:SDCC_2012_cosplay_%287574223270%29.jpg|thumb|What a slimy mess. Why can't I be one of those galaxy-hopping superheroes? Why do I end up in the sewers? You don't find the '''[[w:Fantastic Four|Fantastic Four]]''' in a sewer, or the '''[[w:Avengers (comics)|Avengers]]'''. Never have I seen the Avengers in a sewer. Or the '''[[w:Defenders (comics)|Defenders]]'''. Well, maybe the '''[[w:Hulk (comics)|Hulk]]'''.]]
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Spider-Man:''' ''[about an out of control car]'' What's this? Another satisfied graduate of the &quot;New York City Cab Driving Academy&quot;? 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Spider-Man:''' What was that all about?
:'''Repairman:''' Red eyes... The red eyes after me.
:'''Spider-Man:''' A-ha. And did they belong to little pink elephants?
:'''Repairman:''' No, mister, it was real, it was real, I swear!
:'''Spider-Man:''' Yeah, alright, fine.  Just don't let the cops blame this one on me, ok?
:'''Repairman:''' The red eyes.. The red eyes …
:'''Spider-Man:''' Sure, pal, whatever you say.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Peter:''' Oh no. Not Debra Whitman. The little sister I never had, or wanted.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:(''when he shoots web but Lizard dodges'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Good reflexes for a future handbag. 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Brock:''' When I break this story, it will be Pulitzer time.
:(''Eddie Brock is webbed to a lamp post by Spider-Man'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Hang loose, Brock. That webbing will all melt in a couple of hours.
:'''Brock:''' You can't do this!
:'''Spider-Man:''' I already have. I won't let you ruin Connors' life.
:'''Brock:''' But, but...
:(''Spider-Man shoots web to Brock's mouth to shut him up'')
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Spider-Man:''' What a slimy mess. Why can't I be one of those galaxy-hopping superheroes? Why do I end up in the sewers? You don't find the '''[[w:Fantastic Four|Fantastic Four]]''' in a sewer, or the '''[[w:Avengers (comics)|Avengers]]'''. Never have I seen the Avengers in a sewer. Or the '''[[w:Defenders (comics)|Defenders]]'''. Well, maybe the '''[[w:Hulk (comics)|Hulk]]'''. 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Repairman:''' You'll come back for me, right?
:'''Spider-Man:''' Hey, I'm a hero, remember? 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Spider-Man:''' I need one chance of this or I'm lizard food. Uh-oh. Chow time! 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:(''about Curt Conners being the lizard'')
:'''Brock:''' Boss, if I'm wrong I'll…I'll…I'll eat today's issue of the Bugle.
:(''Curt Conners answers the door'')
:'''Connors:''' J. Jonah Jameson, what brings you here this morning?
:'''Jameson:''' You want it cooked or raw?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

=== ''E02 - The Spider Slayer'' ===
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Spider-Man:''' Hold that pose. Alright, don't hold that pose. If you're gonna be temperamental, I'll fix it so you never work in this town again.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Smythe:''' I get a bad feeling whenever somebody says I have to trust him.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Jameson:''' Wait a minute, are you telling me Spider-Man is just some goofy kid? That's unbelievable.
:'''Spider-Man:''' How can anything be unbelievable to a guy who publishes a tabloid?
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Brock:''' Hey, hey! I got First Amendment rights!
:'''Soldier:''' We just amended them. 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Spider-Man:''' How 'bout that. I'm in too places at once.
:'''Jameson:''' This one's the real deal lady. After all this time I can practically smell him. Which means Eddie Brock just made my whole company look like jerks.
:'''Spider-Man:''' Not hard to do.
:'''Jameson:''' Why you web slinging clown, how... ''[gets cut off by Aunt May]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Spider-Man:''' Yeah, somebody's gotta save the guy who hates Peter Parker. Guess who? Talk about dramatic irony!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Soldier:''' But he's in there!
:'''Spider-Man:''' All smoke and mirrors! Read my book! 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Soldier:''' Two of 'em?!
:'''Spider-Man:''' Congratulations, you can count. And they say the school system's failing.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Spider-Man:''' Hey, guys, chill. The Widow and I are trying to share some quality time. ''[webs them]''Thanks, I appreciate your cooperation.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Spider-Man:''' Uh-oh. Foul ball. (''knocks away Spider Seeker'') Do the Mets need me or what? 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Brock:''' But you don't understand.
:'''Jameson:''' You want understanding? See a shrink.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

=== ''E03 - The Return of the Spider-Slayers'' ===
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;


:'''Spider-Man:''' Blind dates are like the lottery. The odds are so stacked against you. You're lucky if you ever hit the jackpot.


:'''Spider-Man:''' A freezing beam. This is enough to give me arachnophobia.


:(''Jameson is about to unmask Spider-Man'')
:'''Jameson:''' Now let's see who's under that mask.
:'''Spider-Man:''' Hey, hold it! When was the last time you washed your hands?
:(''Black Widow captures Jameson's hand before he do it.'')
:'''Jameson:''' Hey! What's this, Smythe?!
:'''Spider-Man:''' It's obvious. It wants a mate. And you're the lucky guy.


:(''about a bomb strapped to his wrist'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' No, no, no. Take it back. It clashes with the color of my costume.


:(''Spider-Man and Jameson look at each other'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Hey, don't look at me. Maybe you didn't deliver his paper this morning.


:(''to Alistair Smythe'')
:'''Jameson:''' What are you? Nuts?
:'''Spider-Man:''' You have to ask?


:(''to J. Jonah Jameson'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Do you ever thought of becoming a family therapist? 


:'''Spider-Man:''' You hate a lot of people, Smythe. Must be rough around the holidays.


:'''Jameson:''' If you let me go, I can fund your research! Set up a lab!
:'''Spider-Man:''' Forget it, J.J. He's not playing with a full deck. Oh! You should understand that! 


:(''Jameson and Spider-Man both have a bomb strapped to their wrist'')
:'''Jameson:''' Can't you pry this thing off?
:'''Spider-Man:''' You want a trial separation already. I understand, but I'm hurt.


:'''Spider-Man:''' Get up, Jameson. We don't have much time to track those slayers before they get to Thompson, Brock, and Osborn.
:'''Jameson:''' Look at this, you're severely bruising my wrist.
:'''Spider-Man:''' Coyotes caught in traps chew through their own legs. You could try that.
:'''Jameson:''' Okay, smart-mouth. What if I decide to sit here and not go anywhere.
:'''Spider-Man:''' Look bright eyes! Until I can figure out how to get this bomb off of us you're coming along for the ride. So fasten your safety belt.


:'''Flash:''' We had a great time tonight, Felicia.
:'''Felicia:''' Naturally, you are with me.


:'''Brock:''' You! You just won't stop until you ruin me, will ya?
:'''Spider-Man:''' Use your head for once Brock. I'm trying to save your life.


:(''planting the bomb on the Spider-Slayer'') 
:'''Spider-Man:''' I hate to borrow somebody else's line, but it's clobbering time! 
:(''Spider-Man is quoting a famous Marvel Comics character, The Fantastic Four's &quot;The Thing&quot;.'') 


:'''Mary Jane:''' Face it, tiger. You just hit the jackpot.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

=== ''E04 - Doctor Octopus: Armed and Dangerous'' ===
[[File:NYCC_2011_-_Doctor_Octopus_(6310761321).jpg|thumb|Some career! No salary, no vacation; don't talk about on-the-job health hazards!]]
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Peter:''' So, uh, where is your mom?
:'''Felicia:''' Parker, she's out buying a new yacht.
:'''Peter:''' What happened, the old one get wet?


:(''to Doc. Ock'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Hands up! All of them!


:'''Spider-Man:''' Don't touch her!
:'''Dr. Octopus:''' Spider-Man! You're making a career of interference!
:'''Spider-Man:''' Some career! No salary, no vacation; don't talk about on-the-job health hazards!


:'''Dr. Octopus:''' Double jeopardy, Spider-Man. If you manage to turn off the dynamo, you'll face the full fury of Doctor Octopus. And if you don't, perhaps you'll live long enough to see your friends' molecules fry!
:'''Spider-Man:''' Well, that's what I love about life - choices!


:'''Dr. Octopus:''' How does it feel to know that you could change things, Spider-Man, but be helpless to do so?
:'''Spider-Man:''' Not as bad as I'd feel if I had a name like Doc Ock!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
[''At the Daily Bugle Spider-Man tells Anastasia and Robbie what happened last night at the abandoned warehouse'']
:'''Anastasia''': Who asked you to help?! If you just kepted out of it, i'd have my daughter back now!
:'''Spider-Man''': I don't think he would've released her even--
:'''Anastasia''': Oh, so now you're a mind-reader too? For all I know, you might be working with that lunatic!
:'''Robbie''': I used to defend you against Jonah, told him the city is better off because of you. Maybe I was wrong.
:'''Spider-Man''': ''[to himself]'' Coming from Robbie, that hurt. More than anything Octavius' tentacles could do to me.

=== ''E05 - The Menace of Mysterio'' ===
[[File:New_York_Comic_Con_2013_-_Mysterio_%2810275729573%29.jpg|thumb|Mysterio, they don't have anything to do with this. Let them go! Well, Jameson you can keep.]]
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Mysterio''': ''(appears in a swirl of smoke)'' Don't be afraid! I'm here to help! I am Mysterio, and I am putting Spider-Man on notice! There's no place you'll be able to hide, and nowhere you can run!
:'''Jameson''': Far as I'm concerned, you're just another creep in a costume. What can you do?
:'''Mysterio''': I was hoping you'd ask. ''(laughs and detaches his helmet from his body - with no face visible underneath - to everyone's amazement except Peter's)''
:'''Peter''': ''(snapping a photo)'' Pfft! Cheap parlor trick.
:'''Mysterio''': I guarantee you I'll catch Spider-Man, but I want all you bigshot media people there to record it! And now that I've started things rolling... ''(disappears; a basketball appears and bounces into Jameson's hands)'' don't drop the ball. ''(ball turns into his helmet)'' Got it?


:'''Mysterio:''' I'm more than ready to take you on, but not here. It's got to be the same place where you ruined me.
:'''Spider-Man:''' You got a little too much gravel in that fish bowl


:(''the phone rings'')
:'''Peter:''' What?
:'''Mary Jane:''' Peter? Just wanted to make sure you're still alive.
:'''Peter:''' Oh no, our date.I forgot!
:'''Mary Jane:''' You sure know how to make a girl feel important.
:'''Peter:''' Uh, if it isn't too late.
:'''Mary Jane:''' Sorry, in my league, it's one strike, and you're out.


:'''Spider-Man:''' You'd think I would remember a guy with a fish bowl for a head. 


:'''Quentin Beck:''' (''in a flashback'') I'll get you. I swear!
:'''Dt. Terry Lee:''' This is something you have trouble remembering?!
:'''Spider-Man:''' Hey! I hear that kind of thing two, three times a week.


:''(Trapping Spider-Man in a web with robotic spiders)''
:'''Mysterio''': There's a certain irony here...


:'''Spider-Man:''' Mysterio, they don't have anything to do with this. Let them go! Well, Jameson you can keep.
:'''Mysterio''': Enough! It's payback time.
:'''Spider-Man''': &quot;Payback&quot;? For what?! You did it all to yourself!
:'''Mysterio''': Yes, that's what my psychiatrist said. But you know what? His sessions never made me feel this good!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

=== ''E06 - The Sting of the Scorpion'' ===
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:(''to webbed-up thief'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' It's not nice to rob jewelery stores in Mr. Spider-Man's neighborhood. Can you say &quot;I'm going to jail&quot;? 


:(''to the thieves'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Well if it isn't the meeting of the diamond lovers of America! 
:'''Thief:''' It's Spider-Man!
:'''Spider-Man:''' What? Spider-Man? Where? Where? Oh, I just get so flustered when I meet a celebrity! I just don't know what to say!


:'''Thief:''' Stay still, will ya?
:'''Spider-Man:''' Actually, no.
:'''Thief:''' Get him! It's three against one!
:'''Spider-Man:''' As far as I'm concerned, that means you're out numbered.


:'''Spider-Man:''' Is this a private party or can any wall-crawler join?  


:'''Spider-Man:''' Who the heck are you?
:'''Scorpion:''' A real hero, you freak!
:'''Spider-Man:''' This is a joke, right? 
:(''Scorpion strikes with his tail'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Wow, this is not a joke. If you wanna join the '''[[w:Fantastic Four|Fantastic Four]]''', you're in the wrong place.


:(''on phone: Peter's voice was muffled because of his mask and this worries May'')
:'''Aunt May:''' You sound like you're catching a bug!
:'''Spider-Man:''' I certainly hope so. (''talking about the Scorpion'')


:(''kicking the Scorpion in the back'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Green ball in the center pocket!


:'''Spider-Man:''' The red button. I'll bet my web-shooter that's emergency shutdown. Trust me, it's ''always'' the red button.
:'''Jameson:''' How do you know about stuff like this?
:'''Spider-Man:''' Hey, who do I look like? '''[[w:Tick (comics)|The Tick]]'''? 


:(''to J. Jonah Jameson'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Look, if we continue to meet like this tongues will begin to wag.
 

:'''Scorpion:''' I'm gonna crush you now!
:'''Spider-Man:''' Oh, yeah? Well, it just so happens, I like to start each day with a warm hug! Oh, who am I kidding? Everything's going black.
:'''Scorpion:''' You gotta be nuts, mister. Why would you risk your puny life to save his?
:'''Jameson:''' Because you're a greater evil. And heaven help me, he's the only one who can stop you.
:'''Spiderman:''' Huh? Did I hear right? J. Jonah Jameson is on my side?  


:'''Jameson:''' I still won't rest until you've been unmasked and eliminated.
:'''Spider-Man:''' Fair enough, pickle-puss. And I won't rest until you shave that stupid mustache, so we're even! Oh, and fuzz-head? Thanks for saving my life. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

=== ''E07 - Kraven The Hunter'' ===
[[File:SDCC_-_Kraven_the_Hunter_Cosplay_%2835308456084%29.jpg|thumb|I remember on Kraven that first season that Avi and Sidney really wanted some advanced stuff in there quoting of Russian poets and things and I think that ended up staying in. I just wondered why the biggest hunter in the world was named Kraven which, of course, means cowardly.]]
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:(''to Kraven'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Nice outfit. Aah, don't tell me! You're a Leo, right?


:'''Kraven:''' I will not hurt her!
:'''Spider-Man:''' So you're gonna hurt me instead!


:(''to Kraven, as he dangles him from the top of a building'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Thanks for showing me the view, but I'm afraid of heights. 
:(''escapes by knocking Kraven backwards'')


:'''Spider-Man:''' Is this guy a pro wrestler? That would explain the tights.


:'''Dr. Crawford:''' He'll be back. You can't stop him. Nothing can stop him.
:'''Spider-Man:''' Okay, okay calm down. Let's get out of here before mister right comes back for a second date.


:'''Spider-Man:''' The fear in her eyes has got even me spooked, but I don't think this Kraven guy can find her. With any luck the cops will nab him first, or maybe animal control. 


:(''after seeing Mary Jane in her leopard skin print outfit'')
:'''Peter:''' Wow, that outfit brings out the animal in me.
 

:(''to Kraven'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Yo, Jungle Jim, up here!
(Jungle Jim was a comic strip hero that began in the 1930's. He was a hunter whose exploits were centered around the jungles of South-East Asia.)
:'''Kraven:''' Where is my woman?
:'''Spider-Man:''' Well you're the hunter, can't you find her? 


:(''listening to Robbie's answering machine message'')
:'''Jameson:''' Robbie where the heck are you? The airline says your plane let out hours ago. What happened to you?
:'''Spider-Man:''' How does &quot;I was kidnapped by a crazed big game hunter&quot; grab ya J.J.


:'''Spider-Man:''' Robbie's the bait. Okay. I'll bite.


:'''Spider-Man:''' Penny for your thoughts.
:'''Robbie:''' Will you please just tell me what's going on here? How did I get involved?
:'''Spider-Man:''' I guess you have me to thank for that.


:'''Spider-Man:''' Correct me if I'm wrong but, isn't the hero suppose to get the girl. I saved the city from jungle boy and I'll be lucky if Felicia or Mary Jane even speak to me again.


:'''Spider-Man:''' Stick a fork in me, I'm done.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

=== ''The Alien Costume'' ===
[[File:Venom_Cosplay.jpg|thumb|Everybody -- producers, network, writers, artists had a different conception of the Venom story; it took a half-day-long meeting with everyone -- Avi, Stan, the network rep, the supervising producer (Bob Richardson), John and me, before a storyline could be settled upon -- and that was just for the first half hour of the three-parter.]]
==== E08 - Part 1 ====
[[File:Homem-Aranha_no_bloco_%22Enquanto_Isso_na_Sala_de_Justi%C3%A7a%22_(3236662588).jpg|thumb|That's funny. I give up too. I give up trying to be a friendly neighborhood Spider-Man!]]
[[File:Rhino_%2815333904660%29.jpg|thumb|A little far from the Zoo, aren't you?]]
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Spider-Man:''' Huh? Where did you come from?
:'''Rhino:''' Jersey.
:'''Spider-Man:''' You got a claim check for that bag?
:(''rams Spider-Man'')
:'''Rhino:''' Check this!


:'''Spider-Man:''' That's the Spider-Man justice system - guilty until proven innocent.


:'''Spider-Man:''' Parker, how on Earth did you get in the middle of Manhattan, hanging upside down in a costume you've never seen before?


:'''Felicia:''' You seem so.. so different.
:'''Peter:''' You don't know how different. But, then again, maybe you'd like to find out.
:'''Flash:''' Hitting on my girl, Parker?
:'''Felicia:''' Your girl? What ever on earth gave you that idea, Flash?
:'''Flash:''' Well, I thought that.. Parker, Felicia and I need to talk, so why you don't crawl back under your rock.
:'''Peter:''' Not this time, bonehead.
:'''Flash:''' Now, Felicia.. What did you say?
:'''Peter:''' It had something to do with the contents of your skull. 
:'''Flash:''' Well, this is a twist. Look who's suddenly developed a backbone.
:'''Peter:''' ''(grabs Flash by the collar)'' I've developed a lot more than a backbone!
:'''Felicia:''' Peter! Flash, don't you have a History class to get to? ''(leads Flash away)'' What's gotten into you, Parker?
:'''Peter:''' What? I'm just being myself.
:'''Felicia:''' No, you're acting different now, and it's scaring me. ''(walks off)''
:'''Peter:''' What's she talking about? I've never felt better in my life! ''(flips off steps and walks away)''


:(''to Rhino'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' A little far from the Zoo, aren't you?
:'''Rhino:''' Well well well, look who it is! It's the itsy, bitsy spider, and decked out in his new threads. But they ain't gonna look new tomorrow. ''(charges Spider-Man, who flips out of the way while he smashes into a wall)''. Let's get this over with, I've gotta polish my horn.
:'''Spider-Man:''' This'll end when you tell me where me the Prometheum X is!
:'''Spider-Man:''' ''(lifts Rhino over his head, and starts spinning him around)'' Look, Hornhead, I'm not going in circles with you all night! I want an answer, '''now'''! ''(tosses 

:'''Rhino:'''(Spiderman grabs Rhino with one hand) What's goin' on? You were never this strong! This ain't possible!
:'''Spider-Man:''' I've just rewrote the rules. Now who are you working for?
:'''Rhino:''' You know what they would do to me if I told?
:'''Spider-Man:''' A little something like this? And I'm just getting warmed up. (''spins around Rhino on his own horn in the ground'') The ride ends when you tell me where the Promethium X is.
:'''Rhino:''' I can't, I can't!
:'''Spider-Man:''' Well, that's too bad, big boy. For you.
:'''Rhino:''' ''(coming to a halt, falling over with a chuck of dirt stuck to his horn) Alright, I give up. I'd rather to go to jail than be a snitch.
:'''Spider-Man:'''  Who said anything about jail? 
:'''Rhino:''' Huh? I don't get it?
:'''Spider-Man:''' You will. ''(while pulling steel door towards him with webbing)'' It's like this: I'm through with not getting what I want!
:'''Rhino:''' ''(scared)'' W-what-what're you doin'? I-I-I told ya... I give up!
:'''Spider-Man:''' ''(growling)'' That's funny. I give up too. ''(lifts steel door over head menacingly)'' I give up trying to be a friendly neighborhood Spider-Man!
:'''Rhino:''' ''(horrified)'' No, no. You can't..
:'''Spider-Man:''' ''Can't I?''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

==== E09 - Part 2 ====
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Hunter 2:''' Copy red leader,let's get to our million dollar target,
:'''Spider-Man:''' You boneheads can't catch me,not while this suit makes me stronger and faster than you! (Attached himself to a wall) Blasted Jameson and his stupid reward, he's got the whole world after me for something I didn't even do, now I can hardly move without somebody wanting a piece of me. [Hunter launched a rope and get pulled off] Don't you yahoos get it? The black Spider-Man is unbeatable! [Hunter launched a trap net and Spidey dodges it] Nice try buddy! My turn! (launches a web and webs up a hunter)
:'''Hunter 1:''' Should I try a sonic blaster?
:'''Hunter 2:''' We tried everything else.
(Fires the Sonic Blast at Spider-Man as he recoils in agony)
:'''Spider-Man:''' The suit! What's happening? I'm getting weak! Everything's going dark! (in pain) [the suit saves him and pulls him on a roof]
:'''Hunter 2:''' How he can do that?! What's goin' on?! Get him, up there!
:'''Spider-man:''' I must have passed out. HEY! [A piece of the suit detaches and destroys the sonic weapon a hunter uses a flamethrower and the suit again pulls him at a safe spot] Heh [launches a piece of metal that breaks a fire hydrant] Your suits have battery packs that blow up if they get wet! Buh bye! I  (launches a web from his organic suit white patch) I think it's time I paid a visit to the source of all my '''problems'''.

:'''Jameson:''' Thanks to your photos, we got the web-slinger dead to rights.
:'''Eddie Brock:''' I told you I could do the job, J.J. [Spider-man arrives through the window]
:'''Spider-Man:''' Oh, You did a job alright, on me.
:'''Eddie Brock:''' Spider-man!
:'''Jameson:''' Think you can hide in some cockamamie new costume?
:'''Spider-Man:''' Oh, I've got nothing to hide, pickle puss. Especially from a couple of second-rate hacks like you.
:'''Eddie Brock:''' Yeah, well pictures don't lie. [Spider-Man angrily grabs Brock's jacket]
:'''Spider-Man:''' But, ''YOU'' do!
:'''Eddie Brock:''' What're you talkin' about? I-I know what I saw.
:'''Spider-Man:''' You didn't see me take the Prometheum X. [Jameson backs away and press the silent security alarm under his desk]
:'''Eddie Brock:''' Who else could've taken it?
:'''Spider-Man:''' What about the clown in the rhino costume, punk?
:'''Jameson:''' A rhino? I think that new suit's cutting off the oxygen to your brain. [Spider-man turns around and grabs Jameson by his tie]
:'''Spider-Man:''' ''(snarling)'' If you don't call off that reward, I'm gonna-- [group of security guards comes bursting in through the door]
:'''Security:''' Don't even think about it. 
:'''Spider-Man:''' ''(amused)'' Who needs to think? [throws Jameson's desk at the security guards]
:'''Security Guard 1:''' Hey!
:'''Security Guard 2:''' Watch it!
:'''Security Guard 3:''' Look out! [Spider-Man leaves out the window]
:'''Spider-Man:''' (normal voice) I almost lost it again back there.
:'''Jameson:''' As bad as he was before, in ''that'' suit, he's even worse.


:(''to Brock'')
:'''Shocker:''' So, very painful or sorta painful? it's up to you. Now (grabs Brock by the shirt collar) Where are the photos of the crash site!?
:'''Spider-Man:''' What's this? A fight? And nobody invited me!
:'''Shocker:''' You stay outta this!
:'''Spider-Man:''' Reasonable advice, but I haven't had much use for reason lately! 
:'''Shocker:''' Gettin' rid of you is gonna be a blast!
Shocker makes a wall crumble and debris falls over Spider-man,apparently killing him
:'''Shocker:'''(Maniacally Laughing) Rest in pieces, wall-crawler!
:'''Spider-Man:''' How 'bout I follow ''you'' instead?!

:'''Smythe:''' Did you take care of Mr. Brock
:'''Shocker:''' No, he got away.

Spider-man Knocks down an heavy door panel
:'''Spider-man:''' Well,if it's not my old friend, Alistair Smythe!
:'''Smythe:''' How did you get in here?
:'''Spider-Man:''' Since I got my new suit, I get invited to all the best parties! ''(dodges Shocker's blasts)''
:'''Spider-Man:''' (Launches web to Smythe and binds him) Don't leave, party's just starting!
:'''Smythe:'''(the Promethius falls on the floor) The Promethium X!!
:'''Spider-Man:''' I'll take care of that
:'''Smythe:''' Shocker! He has the Promethium X!
:'''Spider-Man:''' Well, I see you're busy, so I'll be on my w

Spiderman is in his apartment
:'''Spider-Man:'''let's see why everybody is so hot about this little rock
:'''Spider-Man:'''basic structure density,molecular weight,looks it's heat activated.well, what do you know?

Kingpin in his Tower, Smythe and Shocker are before him
:'''Kingpin:''' What's the matter with you? What happened?
:'''Smythe:''' Spider-man  took the Promethius X
:'''Kingpin:''' So,you have to take it back. even if you have to take the entire city hostage.
:'''Smythe:''' Excellent idea.

Shocker kidnaps John Jameson
:'''Jameson:''' Who are you?! What do you want?
:'''Shocker:''' We got important business you and i(shows hospital hand band)
:'''Jameson:''' What you have done to my son?
:'''Shocker:''' Listen,and listen well

TV Report
Reporter:That's just it, Astronaut John Jameson has been kidnapped from his, we are going now to the Colonel's Father, J.Jonah Jameson, with a stable in his house in Madden
:'''Jameson:'''Spider-man,whatever you are,if are within in sound of my voice,you must contact me,it's a matter of life and death
:'''Peter Parker:''' ''(annoyed)'' So after all of this, I'm supposed to come running to your beck and call? This's for ''John'', old man. Not you. ''(turns off TV and changes to black suit).

[Jameson inserts the key in car and Spider-man arrives on the top of the car
:'''Spider-Man:''' I'm getting real tired of cleaning up your messes, Jameson.
:'''Eddie Brock:''' i knew if i followed you something turned up
:'''Eddie Brock:'' i'm betting you're plotting against me with Spider-man
:'''J.Jonah Jameson:''' John?
:'''Smythe:'''  First hand over the Promethius
:'''Spider-Man:''' not before we see Colonel Jameson
:'''J.Jonah Jameson:''' Son!
:'''Spider-Man:''' Alright Smythe, you win. Here it is
:'''John Jameson:''' Dad,i knew i could count on you
:'''J.Jonah Jameson:''' Always,son,always
:'''Spider-Man:''' Jameson,untie the colonel and get him out of here as far as you can
:'''Spider-Man:''' I'll guard you both from the rear
:'''Spider-Man:''' That's it,Deal's done|
:'''Shocker:''' Not quite
:'''Spider-Man:''' a double-cross, big surprise!
:'''Shocker:''' If think that's a Surprise then you're ready for a REAL SHOCK!
:'''Spider-Man:''' And I'm gonna tear YOU limb from limb!
:'''Shocker:''' Oooh, I'm all shook up. 
:'''Eddie Brock:''' Ooooh Spider-man is in trouble, perfect.
:'''Spider-Man:''' Pathetic
:'''Shocker:''' you can't get over me!
:'''Spider-Man:''' come on, let's get this over with
:'''Spider-Man:''' i said COME ON!
:'''Eddie Brock:''' it's payback time, Web slinger.
:'''Shocker:''' i've still got business with you
:'''Spider-Man:''' Forget him, you're not done yet with ME! (rips the broken pillar up in the air.)
:'''Spider-Man:''' Surprised, Shocker?! Let me tell it to you straight - I am INVINCIBLE! (throws the pillar to the hole where Shocker escapes.) 
:'''Spider-Man:''' GET BACK HERE, SHOCKER! (Shocker races up the stairs, retreating to the top of the church bell tower.)
:'''Spider-Man:''' SHOCKKKKKKEEEEEEEEEEEEER!!!!
:'''Spider-Man:''' YOU CAN'T ESCAPE ME! I'LL CHASE YOU TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTHHHHHHHHH!
:'''Shocker:''' HEY! What're ya-! (Spider-Man bear hugs Shocker)
:'''Spider-Man:''' What good are those blasters to you now?!
Brock Arrives and knocks Spider-man down, but Spider-man raises and Grabs Brock
:(''to Brock'')
:'''Spider-man:''' You?! I'm gonna save you for dessert. 
Spider-man Binds Brock to a web cocoon
:'''Brock:''' *Help groans*
:(''to Shocker'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' And YOU… you're the main course!
:(''after Spider-Man breaks his &quot;Shockers&quot;)
:'''Shocker:''' You'll pay for this!'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' The check's in the mail, baby!

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==== E10 - Part 3 ====
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:'''Spider-Man:''' I feel great. Boy, am I glad to be back in my old clothes. And that full moon is perfect for my date tonight with Mary Jane.

:'''Spider-Man:''' Huh? Down there. I don't believe it, it's the Rhino!
:'''Rhino:''' Finally found you. Ha-ha-ha. You've got a score to settle. You should've stayed in black, 'cuz I'm gonna dirty you up bad.
:'''Spider-Man:''' Uh, sorry. They tell me the blue really brings out my eyes. (''defeats the Rhino'')
:Last time I kicked you high all over this town. Is your learning curve a flat line, or what?
:'''Shocker:''' His might be. Mine isn't! (''blasts Spider-Man'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Rhino and Shocker. How'd they get together, computer dating?
:''(Shocker and Rhino defeat him and leave him under a pile of rubble)''
:'''Venom:''' Back off! He belongs to us! (''defeats both Rhino and Shocker before turning his attention to Spider-Man'')


:'''Spider-Man''': You don't understand, Brock! It doesn't just bond with you, it takes over! Makes you do what ''it'' wants! You've got to separate from it!
:'''Venom''': Separate?! We're ''made'' for each other! Brock's rage and vengefulness made us a perfect breeding ground - far better than ''you'', Parker!
:'''Spider-Man''': Brock, you've got to get rid of it!
:'''Venom''': Why? We're now part of a life force that has existed since the dawn of time. Imagine what you've turned down, Spider-Man. Think of all this knowledge. We've seen thousands of worlds, millions of civilizations, learned many secrets - always with but one goal above all else; to survive! And now, we're sharing those secrets with Eddie Brock. We're ''very'' happy together.


:(''Spider-Man shoots his web lines around Venom'')
:'''Venom:''' Such low-grade webbing! Here, have some of mine! 


:'''Venom''': Now, don't worry. We're not gonna finish you yet, Spider-Man.
:'''Spider-Man''': Listen to me, Brock! You've g--
:'''Venom''': ''[covers his mouth]'' &lt;big&gt;'''STOP CALLING US THAT!! WE ARE VENOM NOW!!'''&lt;/big&gt; We wanted you, but you spurned us! Now, we have big plans! You know nothing about us, but we know ''everything'' about you. You'll see us everywhere, even in your nightmares.


:'''Eddie Brock''': Wonder what people would do if they knew who Spider-Man was?
:''(becomes Venom)''
:'''Venom''': Hey! Let's go ask Jameson about that!!


:'''Spider-Man:''' Brock, the more you hate me, the more you give that thing control over you!
:'''Venom:''' Who said we hate you?! Honestly, we're your biggest fan! 
:(''throws a blade at Spider-Man'')
:(''Spider-Man shoots his web lines at Venom'')
:'''Venom:''' Look, streamers! Now it ''is'' a party!


:''(attacking Spider-Man on a train)''
:'''Venom:''' Ticket, please.


:'''Venom''': Look, Parker! I'm booked for the wrong trip!
:'''Spider-Man:''' Next time, I'm flying!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

=== ''The Hobgoblin'' ===
[[File:WW_Chicago_2014_Contest_-_Hobgoblin_%2815068323435%29.jpg|thumb|As it was, there were still plenty of unsold Hobgoblin toys on the shelves at Toys R Us that Christmas. Even with our two-part episode, nobody really liked the character that much.]]
==== E11 - Part 1 ====
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:'''Spider-Man:''' Sorry, Charlie,
:'''Hobgoblin:''' Spider-Man!
:'''Spider-Man:''' ..but you are a little late for Halloween.


:'''Hobgoblin:''' You're pathetic. How did you ever get your reputation?
:'''Spider-Man:''' Musta been of the tabloids.


:'''Hobgoblin:''' Enjoying the flight?
:'''Spider-Man:''' Some flight. No peanuts, no Stallone movie.. I'm outta here.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

==== E12 - Part 2 ====
:(''in the elevator'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Can't this thing go any faster?
:(''the elevator rope breaks'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' I had to ask.
:Next time we'll take the stairs.

 &lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Spider-Man:''' As soon as I get you out of here, Osborn, I'm gonna go back down this tunnel and find out where we just came from.
:(''the whole place explodes'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Maybe not!

=== ''E13 - Day Of The Chameleon'' ===
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:(''after the limo driver stops at the end of an alley'')
:'''Jameson:''' Driver what are you doing? My tailor isn't anywhere near this place.
:(''handcuffs come up and restrain Peter and Jameson'')
:'''Limo Driver:''' Just be calm Mr. Jameson. No harm will come to you.
:(''to Jameson'')
:'''Peter:''' Maybe you forgot to pay your last tailor's bill.


:(''to himself as Jameson yells at the limo driver'')
:'''Peter:''' I better hang tight and see what's going down, unlike mister calm next to me.


:(''to the Chameleon disguised as Glory Grant'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Gotcha! I don't usually pick up strange women. 


:(''to the Chameleon disguised as Peter'')
:'''Mary Jane:''' Peter, I'm understudying the lead in the Shakespeare fest tonight and I've saved you a seat. Will you come?
:(''the Chameleon kisses Mary Jane to avoid the S.H.I.E.L.D. agents'')
:'''Mary Jane:''' I'll take that as a yes. Peter, why'd you do that?
:'''The Chameleon:''' I had to.
:'''Mary Jane:''' What made you think I'd let you?
:'''The Chameleon:''' I took a gamble that Peter Parker was the luckiest man on Earth.


:(''to Bruce, the smiling gargoyle as he watches the Chameleon begin to make his move'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Aha! Bruce, looks like the Chameleon has arrived. Keep smiling old buddy. 


:(''to Chameleon, who is bareheaded'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Chameleon, stop! Wow, nice haircut.
:(''after the Chameleon throws a smoke grenade at him'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' This guy's going to ruin my lungs faster than tailgating a Manhattan taxi. 


:(''to himself as he looks for the Chameleon'')
:'''Peter:''' Now if I were a chameleon, whose colors would I choose?


:'''Spider-Man:''' I guess it really does pay to practice shoddy journalism, keep it up J.J.
:'''Jameson:''' Why, you! 
:(''swings a punch and misses'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Gotta run!


:(''after he knocks out Chameleon'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Sleep tight Chameleon, maybe when you wake up you'll feel more like yourself.


:'''Spider-Man:''' Well, Bruce, I've saved the World again. And what do I get for it? As usual - zelch, nada, nothing. That's what.
:'''Nick Fury:''' Heck of a job, Spider-Man. Thanks.
:'''Spider-Man:''' Did he say thanks? Someone thanking Spider-Man? Well, that's a first! 


:'''Mary Jane:''' Thanks, for not coming to my play as you promised.
:'''Peter:''' As I promised?!?
:'''Mary Jane:''' And, don't you ever kiss me that way again!
:'''Peter:''' What kiss?! The chameleon. Oh, no! 
:Mary Jane wait, I can explain. At least I think I can explain. Okay, maybe, maybe I can't explain. Just listen, listen to me. Hold on a second.

&lt;hr width=100%&gt;

== SEASON 2 NEOGENIC NIGHTMARE ==
 

=== ''E01 - The Insidious Six'' ===
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&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:(''to Bruce the Gargoyle, as he looks down at the city'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Look at them down there. I bet each one has somebody close. I feel so distant. I have nobody, except you of course. You're always here for me. You're rock solid! And best of all you laugh at all my jokes. Bruce, you're a heck of a guy. But I do wish I had someone a little prettier to talk to. Maybe Felicia Hardy.. And there's Mary Jane Watson.. What am I thinking? How could anybody commit to a guy who sneaks off to crawl on walls? 


:'''Morbius:''' I had thought you would be my main competition Parker, but you will be lucky to make it to the starting line.
:'''Peter:''' Don't forget Mike, the tortoise beat the hare.
:'''Morbius:''' In my country, we eat tortoises. 


:(''about Morbius'')
:'''Felicia:''' Huh, what B-movie did he walk out of?
:'''Peter:''' ''[sarcastically]'' The Return of Dracula's Ego. 


:'''Spider-Man:''' I go to sleep for one lousy day and I wake up in the Twilight Zone.


:(''as the Rhino is stealing money'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Hold it, horn-head, you didn't fill out a withdrawal slip. 


:'''Scorpion:''' Eat acid, Spider-Man!
:'''Spider-Man:''' Sorry, I'm on an acid-free diet! 


:(''to Chameleon, disguised as Spider-Man'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Well, aren't you a handsome gent? 


:'''Doc. Ock:''' Back off, you pea-brained, uncoordinated, absurdly-dressed excuse for a man!
:'''Scorpion:''' Who are ''you'' calling &quot;absurdly-dressed&quot;?! 


:'''Dr. Connors:''' You weren't born with your spider-powers, were you?
:'''Spider-Man:''' No, I won them on a quiz show.
:(''looking at a computer scan'')
:'''Dr. Connors:''' Amazing! These patterns imply Neogenics involved. How could that be?
:'''Spider-Man:''' That was the category I chose. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

=== ''E02 - Battle of the Insidious Six'' ===
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
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:'''Shocker:''' Time to take your medicine, you fly-eating loser. And shock therapy's just what the doctor ordered. 


:''(After they unmask a powerless Peter Parker)''
:'''Mysterio:''' I say we destroy him now!
:'''Doc. Ock:''' Your mind is as empty as that fishbowl you cover it with. Can you not see the truth? This boy is not Spider-Man.


:(''to Peter'')
:'''Shocker:''' What do you take us for, idiots? I'm shocked - and you're going to be too!


:(''to the Insidious Six'') 
:'''Spider-Man:''' Oh don't worry, nutjobs, I had words with Parker, and now I'm gonna take care of you. (''to himself'') Oh, right. For starters, I might just drown you in nervous sweat! 


:(''after Spider-Man and Silvermane tumble into a building'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Smooth, just the way I planned it. 


:(''after the Shocker's costume blows up'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Whoa, talk about wearing flashy clothes. 


:(''as the Kingpin's searchlight shines on him and Silvermane'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' You know, I've never been one to seek out the spotlight. 


:(''lowering Silvermaine down a chimney'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Sorry about this, but if you say &quot;ho-ho-ho&quot; real loud, there's less chance you'll get stuck.


:(''after watching the Scorpion's acid dissolve one of Doctor Octopus' mechanical arms'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Ouch, I'd hate to see the repair bill on that! Can't you find anybody coordinated to work with?

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=== ''E03 - Hydro-Man'' ===
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:'''Guard:''' Hit the alarm! (''The man pushes the button to sound the alarm to ring'')

:'''Spider-Man:''' Huh? Don't tell me the Beluga whales are having a midnight clambake. (''swing and slips into aquarium'') No sign of the guards.  (''Crawls to the broken aqua glass and pick the fish to swim'') Now who are going to do with unfriendly thing like-- (''to mysterious thief'') Ah! Hold on, kimbasabe!


:'''Guard:''' Look, Spider-Man really is the thief.
:'''Spider-Man:''' (''to himself'') Oh, great, Jameson will probably be selling &quot;Spider-Man Really Is The Thief&quot; T-shirts by noon tomorrow. 


:'''Peter:''' (''Mary Jane hung up the phone and ran from the Coffee Beam and Peter follows her.'') Mary Jane! Hey! Wait up! Where are you going?
:'''Mary Jane:''' Look, Peter, I'm sorry, but there's some place. I gotta go, okay?
:'''Peter:''' I can tag along and keep you company.
:'''Mary Jane:''' (''blows a whistle at the cab to call for a ride and get into it'') I'm a big girl now, I can take care of myself. So stop following me! (''Shuts the cab door'')
:'''Peter:''' This probably doesn't got to do with me.  That phone call got her really jumpy! Well, she asked Peter Parker to keep out of it. Never said a thing about Spider-Man. (''leaps onto wall and lifts shirt to reveal costume'')


:'''Hydro-Man:''' (''comes from behind and puts the pearl necklace around Mary Jane's neck which startled her'') Boo, guess who? It's good to finally see you again, Red. It's been too long.
:'''Mary Jane:''' What is this?
:'''Hydro-Man:''' I always said I'd give you the world. This is just the down payment.
:'''Mary Jane:''' (''takes off the pearl necklace'') Look, Morrie, our relationship is over! You were jealous, overbearing, and made my life miserable! So, leave me alone! (''slams the pearl necklace back in Hydro-Man's hand'')
:'''Hydro-Man:''' (''grabs Mary Jane's wrist'') At least I never ran out on you like your father did!
:'''Mary Jane:''' (''swipes her wrist free'') You shut up about him! We were wrong for each other 2 years ago, and we're wrong now! That's all I came to tell you! (''storms out the door'')
:'''Hydro-Man:''' Mary Jane, no- Wait!
:'''Spider-Man:''' (''Looks at the unworn clothes'') Hey! Where that guy go? 

:'''Mary Jane:''' (''Hydro-Man attempts to stalk her within the water fountain'') Morrie!
:'''Hydro-Man:''' Hey, hey. I know why you broke with me, Mary Jane. I have no car, no cash, no class; I was a nobody.
:'''Spider-Man:''' (''looks at Mary Jane and Hydro-Man'') How did he beat me here?
:'''Mary Jane:''' You just don't under''stand!!''
:'''Hydro-Man:''' Oh, but I do. Things are different now. I can give you everything you've dreamed of. (''grabs Mary Jane's wrist'') You must come with me, there's something I have to show you!
:'''Mary Jane:''' (''swipes her wrist free'') I don't have to do anything! '''LEAVE ME ALONE!!'''
:'''Hydro-Man:''' Fine! Have it your way. I'll show you what I'm talking about right here! (''controls the water and erupt the fountain into a geyser'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' (''looks up at the geyser'') Kumbaya!! 

:'''Spider-Man:''' ''(Grabs Hydro-Man's hand)'' Hold it!
:'''Mary Jane:''' What are you doing here?
:'''Spider-Man:''' A 500 foot geyser in Washington square and you're wondering why I'm here? ''(Hydro-Man swipes his hand away from him and go near Mary Jane)'' (''Jumps to hold back Hydro-Man'') I said hold it!


:'''Hydro-Man:''' There's nothing can do with you, Spider-Man. So, butt out!
:'''Spider-Man:''' Can't. They'd take away my superhero license. Anyway, this is a strict... No surfing ordinances in the park, dude. (''Slings up the web at Hydro Man to cover and slammed him onto the roof and tries it again to shoot him; Hydro Man defends against it'')
:'''Hydro-Man:''' Pathetic. You don't really think you can match the power of Hydro-Man, do you?
:'''Spider-Man:''' Did you say Hydrant-Man? Dogs must love you! 
:'''Hydro-Man:''' It's ''Hydro''-Man! And it's the last name you'll ever hear!
:'''Spider-Man:''' For somebody new to the supervillain gig, you've sure got the cliches down. 


:(''to Spider-Man within a water silo'')
:'''Hydro-Man:''' Forget your water-wings, dude? 


:(''to Mary Jane'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Do you want me to web swing you home?


:(''to picture of her father'')
:'''Mary Jane:''' Guess we're not so different, huh, Dad? When things got tough, I turn tail and ran too, but not for long. The difference between us is I'm not going to run anymore, no matter what. 
(''Hydro Mandrips and merged out of the sink'') Huh? Morrie!

:'''Spider-Man:''' Three minutes under water. Do I get my merit badge?


:(''reaching the top of the skyscraper'')
:'''Mary Jane:''' Looks like the end of the line.
:'''Hydro-Man:''' That's right, nowhere left to run.
:'''Spider-Man:''' So why don't we all just take a break?
:'''Hydro-Man:''' You again. Haven't you figured out yet that you can't beat me?
:'''Spider-Man:''' I don't have to, slick. She already has.
:'''Hydro-Man:''' Huh?
:'''Spider-Man:''' Don't you get it, Bench? She led you away from the water that feeds you. You're barely holding yourself together, pal. You're almost out of.. you.
:'''Hydro-Man:''' (''Looking at his arm and to Spider-Man'') Why, Mary Jane? (''to Mary Jane'') Why? I love you.
:'''Mary Jane:''' You don't kidnap people you love, Morrie. And you don't force yourself on people you love. Morrie, it's over, we've gotta get you some help.
:'''Hydro-Man:''' (''Crazily shriek up into the air, to freak out at Mary Jane and threaten to pulverize Spider-Man'') I'LL DESTROY YOU WITH MY BARE-HANDS!
:'''Mary Jane:''' Morrie, no!
:'''Spider-Man:''' (''Hydro-Man charging after him to jump at him'') Bench, don't! (''Jumps away from him'')
:'''Mary Jane:''' (''Shocked at Hydro-Man jumps onto the rooftop to be evaporated to death) He's evaporating! Does this mean he's... he's-
:'''Spider-Man:'''  Not necessarily, H2O's infamous among solvents for itself cohesiveness.    
:'''Mary Jane:''' ''[giggles]'' Brother, you sound like my friend Peter Parker.
:'''Spider-Man:''' Hey, don't insult me. 


:(''to Peter, after she won a carnival prize'') 
:'''Mary Jane:''' Stick with me, tiger, and I'll teach you how to beat the odds.

=== ''E04 - The Mutant Agenda'' ===
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:(''running through the X-Men mansion'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Nice, I come to the peaceful countryside and I wind up in the Pentagon. 


:(''runs into a room of doors'') 
:'''Spider-Man:''' Gotta pick a door, any door. 
:(''goes through door'') 
:New rule, never visit the Pentagon without a road map. 


:(''looks up to see two giant sentinels'') 
:'''Spider-Man:''' Okay, so I'm gonna be a little late getting home.


:(''after striking a Sentinel'')
:'''Storm:''' Power of lighting strike again!
:'''Spider-Man:''' Uh, power of webshooters, get real sticky! 


:'''Professor Xavier:''' I wish I had an answer for you. I am sorry for your pain.
:'''Spider-Man:''' Don't worry about my pain, worry about yours if I mutate into a dangerous creature and you have to stop me. It's always the same. I can save the world ten times over, but when I end up needing help I'm on my own. So thanks, for nothing. 


:(''about Landon'') 
:'''Smythe:''' I don't trust him.
:'''Kingpin:''' You don't trust anyone.
:'''Smythe:''' And I'm usually right.


:'''Beast:''' Penny for your thoughts, Spider-Man? I mean you no harm. I just want to talk.
:'''Spider-Man:''' I've heard that I want to hear from your X people. X-cuse me.


:(''to Landon'')
:'''Hobgoblin:''' What kind of a fool do you take me for?
:'''Spider-Man:''' Well personally, I wouldn't call you a fool. That would be an insult to fools everywhere.

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=== ''E05 - Mutants Revenge'' ===
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:(''to Wolverine and Spider-Man as they fight'')
:'''Hobgoblin:''' You boys are having so much fun. I hate to bust up the party, but I will anyway. (''throws pumpkin bomb at them'')
:(''to Wolverine, about the Hobgoblin'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' How 'bout we settle this after I take care of the cackling whacko.

:'''Wolverine:''' If you're lying, your fillet a spider pal. (''unsheathes his claws'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' I get the picture, Wolvy, but have you ever thought about seeing a manicurist about those things? 


:'''Spider-Man:''' Subtlety's not your strong point, is it?
:'''Wolverine:''' Heh, can't even spell the word.
:'''Spider-Man:''' You're the one with the nose, where to next?
:'''Wolverine:''' (''sniffs'') What I smell, is trouble.
:'''Spider-Man:''' (''sees soldiers approaching them'') Good nose.


:'''Spider-Man:''' Nice tracking, Wolvy. Only problem is, there's no exit.
:'''Wolverine:''' Then I'll just have to make one.
:(seeing Wolverine claw a hole in the wall) 
:'''Spider-Man:''' Nice.
:(''after Wolverine makes a hole in the wall'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Yep, claws are definitely more fun than doors. 


:'''Soldier:''' You can kiss your webs goodnight, wall-crawler.
:(''throws door onto soldiers'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Next time, don't barge in without knocking.


:'''Hobgoblin:''' Why does my business with you keep getting interrupted, Landon?
:'''Landon:''' Ever heard of karma?


:'''Beast:''' Spider-Man, keep us still or Wolverine is lost to us.
:'''Spider-Man:''' No problem, but whatever you do just don't make me laugh.


:(Wolverine wakes up)
:'''Wolverine:''' Any calls while I was out? 


:(''to mutant Landon, who has captured Genevieve'')
:'''Wolverine:''' That's no way to treat a lady, pal. (''gets smacked down as he attempts to free her'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' You sure showed him.
:'''Wolverine:''' Shut up, you puny, little geek! 


:'''Beast:''' So, there appears to be a keen scientific mind behind that garish mask, eh my friend?
:'''Spider-Man:''' Takes one to know one, blue boy. 


:(''to Spider-Man'')
:'''Wolverine:''' Just remember, no matter what problems ya got, or mistakes you've made, ya don't have to carry the load by yourself. Ya got friends if you need 'em. 

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=== ''E06 - Morbius'' ===
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:(''seeing robbers run out of a pawn shop as the alarm rings'') 
:'''Spider-Man:''' It's possible that this is some kind of intercity midnight ski team, but I don't think so. 


:(''breaking into the robbers car'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Party's over for you crash dummies.


:'''Dr. Crawford:''' Do you ever use a door?
:'''Spider-Man:''' Uh-uh. Don't believe in 'em. 


:'''Morbius:''' Relax my princess, I would never let anything harm you.
:'''Felicia:''' You I believe, Michael, (''points to the cage of vampire bats'') it's them I don't trust.


:(''to himself as he notices Mary Jane'')
:'''Peter:''' Mary Jane, I feel like a total knob for not having called her all week. But what can I say? Hi, I really like you and wanna go out with you. I want a relationship. By the way, I'm turning into a mutant. Next date'd be a horror movie.


:(''about Peter'') 
:'''Mary Jane:''' I think he's been avoiding me, Liz.
:'''Liz:''' If a man avoids a major babe like you, it could only mean one thing.
:'''Mary Jane:''' What?
:'''Liz:''' He isn't human anymore.
:'''Mary Jane:''' Yeah right.


:(''to Bruce the Gargoyle'') 
:'''Spider-Man:''' Hey, Bruce, what do you think? It's not wrong for me to want to keep my powers, is it? I knew you'd agree. 


:(''to Bruce the Gargoyle'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Dr. Crawford tries to help me, and I run away. Just like I run away from Mary Jane. Do we sense a pattern here? Bruce, I finally figured out what I'm mutating into, a real jerk.


:(''after being thrown by Morbius'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' You're strong.
:(''kicks Morbius down to the ground'') 
:Good thing you don't have my spider agility. 


:'''Spider-Man:''' Why is it that everything I touch, everything that touches me, is poisoned? 


:'''Morbius:''' I'll feed on you.
:'''Spider-Man:''' You want to feed on me? You don't know where I've been.

:'''Peter:''' I thought the serum's gonna help me. But the pain... it's excruciating! (''anguished'')
(''grew four extra arms through the side of his pajama shirt and looks'') NO! '''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!'''

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=== ''E07 - Enter the Punisher'' ===
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:'''Dr. Crawford:''' I'll need a blood sample.
:'''Spider-Man:''' Pick an arm. Any arm! 


:'''Morbius:''' You! What has happened to you?
:'''Spider-Man:''' What this? Just auditioning for the genetic mutation club, Mikey. I kinda need your help.


:(''Spider-Man tries to fire webbing'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Wrong arm! It used to be a simple choice of right or left!  


:'''Spider-Man:''' Can't sing, can't dance. I better get out of the spotlight.


:'''Punisher:''' Your days of terrorizing the innocent are over wall-crawler!
:'''Spider-Man:''' Don't tell me...the skull, the corny line..your name must be Bonehead! Right?

:'''Spider-Man:''' Cool toy, but I'm outta here.


:'''Punisher:''' You kidnapped that student.
:'''Spider-Man:''' Dude, if you're trying to punish criminals, get your facts straight before you start shooting? Just a thought.


:'''Punisher:''' I'm coming after you. And next time, I'm using lethal force!
:'''Spider-Man:''' Ooh, I'm so scared, I might start biting my fingernails. And man, have I got fingernails! 

:'''Punisher:''' Got ya!
:'''Spider-Man:''' Can't let it end like... this...! (''anguish and mutates into the Man-Spider Monster'')
:'''Punisher:''' Come on out, I'm gonna make it quick and clean. (''The Man-Spider Monster knocks his gun flashlight away from it and the monster is frightening him'') 

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=== ''E08 - Duel of the Hunters'' ===
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:'''Punisher:''' I looked the devil square in the eyes... and I blinked. 

:'''Morbius:''' Debra, help me.
:'''Debra:''' Thompson, knock it off. ('' turns around and frightening screams at Morbius'') NO!!!! NO!!!
:'''Morbius:''' Hunger's too strong. I must feed. Forgive me.
:'''Debra:''' NO!!! (''shriek'')
:'''Flash:''' (''arrives at the lab'')  Get away from her!
 

:'''Kraven:''' A man that studieth revenge keeps his own wounds green. Francis Bacon. Revenge is a foolish reason to hunt! 
:'''Punisher:''' Maybe, but it works for me.


:(''about Man-Spider'')
:'''Kraven:''' Do not hurt him!
:'''Punisher:''' I'm not gonna hurt him. I'm gonna disintergrate him. Won't be any nerve endings left to feel the pain! 


:'''Kraven:''' Well, my little Calypso, you have done it again!
:'''Spider-Man:''' Calypso? 
:'''Dr. Crawford:''' In Mythology, Calypso was a Goddess, who offered the gift of life to Odysseus. 
:'''Spider-Man:''' Well, I guess you're my Calypso too.

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=== ''E09 - Blade the Vampire Hunter '' ===
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:'''Morbuis:''' Help me. (''The jogger sneaks in and takes the jogger's plasma'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Morbius! (''Grabs Morbius'') Stop giving in to this blood lust! You have to or I can't help you! 
(''Morbius threw him away from him to the tree'') And that feeding made him so strong. 
(''Morbius attacking, Morbius threatens to kill and Spider-Man leaps to the wall'') 
Where that flying bloodbath go to? (''Morbius dives to fight him'')
What about Felicia? Do you think she'll want you like this?
:'''Morbius:''' You shut up about her! (''Tries to drain Spider-Man's plasma'')
:'''Blade:''' (''Throws a garlic gas to spray Morbius in front of Spider-Man to save him'') The cries of the night stalker. I like ''mu''sic to my ears. You're finished.

:'''Spider-Man:''' That's sword-swinging biker wants to destroy Morbius! I can't let him do it!
:'''Blade:''' (''continues to extinguish'') One more round, the poison gas will end your reign of terror, vampire...! 
(''Spider-Man ambushes him and grabs Spider-Man'') Why are you protecting him?!
:'''Spider-Man:''' Why are you after him?! (''Morbius flies out'') (''Blade is killing him'')  
''[About Blade]'' His strength is beyond human! Great...! Another weirdo when I saw?
:'''Blade:''' Let's see how you read to endose the lethal gas! (''shoots Spider-Man with the garlic gas'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' (''coughs'') What the heck?! (''sneezes'') Garlic? You sprayed with garlic? Are you some kind of nut?
:'''Blade:''' You can breathe!
:'''Spider-Man:''' Barely!


:'''Crowd of people:''' Look, it's Spider-Man. He's responsible for this. Get him.
:'''Spider-Man:''' Oh yeah! Yup, the blood-sucking monster who's been out and about at night. That's me! God, can New Yorkers turn on you the minute they hear rumors.
:'''Cop:''' It's Spider-Man!
:'''Spider-Man:''' Something tells me they aren't chasing autographs.

:'''Morbuis''': I don't want your help! And I would walk this evening. I felt different, I like this right now. I cannot be hurt cannot be destroyed! I am immortal! (''Throws Spider-Man to the rooftop elevator'') I will desire into a pitiful human. Now I am so much more than human! I am the king of the night! (''tears Spider-Man's shoulder and tries to drain his plasma'')

:'''Spider-Man:''' '''NNNOOOO!!'''

:'''Morbius:''' Your strength...! YES! (''Blade hits Morbius behind with a mortorcycle when he's riding'') 
(''hissing'') You again! Who are you? What do you want with me?!
:'''Blade:''' Call me Blade. All I want vampire is to destroy you! (''Blade and Morbius begins to fight each other'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' I didn't get a whole plasma drain. But, I still feel weak... dizzy.
(''Blade and Morbius continuously fighting and Blade knocks down Morbius to kill him to death with gun'')
:'''Blade:''' This time, vampire, you're finished!
:'''Spider-Man:''' (''jump and kicks Blade's gun'') Stop! (''Morbius flies off'')
:'''Blade:''' (''manages to hit Spider-Man with a motorcycle when he's riding'') Why did you do that? (''manages to throw at Spider-Man'') Why?!
:'''Spider-Man:''' I have to help him! I turned him into the vampire.
:'''Blade:''' You created that creature? And now you want to save him at all his done?
:'''Spider-Man:''' He didn't want to be one.
:'''Blade:''' He must destroyed, and so must you! (''flips out Spider-Man and Spider-Man slings to stop'') I won't make mistake of letting live this time! (''cuts off the web and make Spider-Man fall'')


:'''Blade:''' All the attacks are currently in the Empire State University. Why?
:'''Spider-Man:''' Maybe he really likes the cafeteria food. 


:'''Whistler:''' Blade and I are vampire hunters.
:'''Spider-Man:''' Vampire hunters?
:'''Whistler:''' There's always been a dedicated cadre of people who hunt Nosferatu.
:'''Spider-Man:''' Nosferatu? Isn't that the name of a German rock band? 


:(''after webbing down Morbius and saving Blade'') 
:'''Spider-Man:''' Spidey's first rule of vampire hunting, never let them see you sweat. 


:(''to Spider-Man'') 
:'''Blade:''' Stay alert, webslinger, it's gonna be a long night. 

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=== ''E10 - The Immortal Vampire '' ===

:'''Mary Jane:''' What's the matter, Tiger? Cat's get your tongue?
:'''Peter:''' You don't know the half of it.

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:'''Spider-Man''': I'm glad somebody can enjoy themselves when there's some much as stake.

:'''Blade''': How dare you?! If you been there, we might've save that Parker woman!

:'''Spider-Man''': We don't have time to argue! We're gonna make another plan.

:'''Blade''': I'm tired of this teamwork garbage! I'll finish this mission myself!

:'''Spider-Man''': I'm sick of hearing about you and your mission! It's none like any of your brilliant weapons and the schemes have worked!

*''[Blade is clashing to fight Spider-Man and Spider-Man pushes Blade away from him]''

:'''Spider-Man''': Why don't you all go back into the cave you flew out of?! I'm Working alone again too! (''storms out the hideout'')

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:'''Spider-Man:''' I can't lose Aunt May the same way I lost Uncle Ben. If ever my spider strength meant anything at all, this is that time. 

 
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:'''Terri Lee:''' All the men in the world, and I have to fall in love with a vampire! Uh, love, who needs it!

=== ''E11 - Tablet of Time '' ===
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:(''to Hammerhead'') 
:'''Spider-Man:''' Now why's a smart crook like you pulling a crazy stunt like this? You always seemed so...level headed! 


:(''to Hammerhead, as he reels up the Tablet of Time'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Hey, watch it! The tablet's no good to anyone, broken. Use your head. Uh, forget I said that. 


:(''to Spider-Man holding the Tablet of Time'')
:'''Cop:''' Freeze creep. 
:'''Archaeologist:''' No, let him go. He saved the Tablet of Time. 
:'''Cop:''' Something here doesn't smell right. 
:'''Archaeologist:''' Aren't you listening? Spider-Man's a hero. 
:'''Cop:''' No, no I mean, phew, something really smells bad. 
:(''Spider-Man's covered in fish slime'') 
:'''Spider-Man:''' Uh, sorry.


:'''Spider-Man:''' Not another robot. Why aren't women this attracted to me? 


:(''getting the tablet of time away from Smythe'') 
:'''Spider-Man:''' Sorry. I have to take one tablet every night before bed. Doctor's orders! 


:(''watches the Mega-Slayer fly off with the Tablet of Time'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Wonder why he's leaving. I hope it wasn't something I said. 

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=== ''E12 - Ravages of Time '' ===
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:(''sees Dr. Connors getting away'') 
:'''Tombstone:''' Uh oh, I almost forgot what I came for. Sorry I can't finish this, but here's a going away present. 
:(''slams a computer console on Spider-Man'')


:(''about Tombstone'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' For a walking mount rushmore, he's fast.


:(''to Hammerhead, as he tries to kidnap Alisa'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Yo, chrome dome, the lady didn't finish her latte. 


:(''as he's covered in cement'') 
:'''Spider-Man:''' Great! Now I'm going to be turned into a life-size Spidey statue. Minus the life! 


:'''Spider-Man:''' I better get home and change into my spare costume before I turn into Tombstone junior. 

:(''he's reading a letter with piece of hair imagined about Vanessa Fisk'')
:'''Kingpin:''' He's got her! Silvermane's got my wife!

:(''ringing from the computer screen and Silvermane pressed the button'')
:'''The Man with the Red Hair:''' Boss, Hammerhead double crossed us!
:'''Silvermane:''' Hammerhead?! What are you talking about?
:'''The Man with the Red Hair:''' He kidnapped Alisa from ESU.
:'''Silvermane:''' He's taking my daughter? I'll- Uhw... Oooooooooooh...
:'''Tombstone:''' You okay?
:'''Silvermane:''' The Kingpin! He's behind this.
:'''Tombstone:''' Let me go size him up for one of my coffins.
:(''they are walking towards to check on Vanessa Fisk in the chamber'')
:'''Silvermane:''' No. If Kingpin touches a hair on Alisa's head, he'll suffer pain worst than anything I am feeling!


:'''Smythe:''' You were supposed to bring Dr. Connors. Where is he?
:'''Spider-Man:''' You know everything smart guy. Didn't you know he was kidnapped? 


:(''after tossing a spider tracer on the Mega-Slayer as it flies away'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Run away as fast as you want Smythe, I'm still gonna be right on your big, fat, mechanical tail. 


:(''about the Mega-Slayer'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' I wonder how much Smythe pays to park that thing here in the city? 

:(''To Hammerhead'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Hey, brick-brain! 
(''slings a web at a gun'')
:'''Hammerhead:''' AAAAAHHHH!
:(''Ramming Spider-Man into the air conditioner and Spider-Man jumps out of it'')

:(''To Alisa'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Are you alright?
:'''Alisa:''' I'm fine. But, you got a problem.
:(''shot Spider-Man and take him into the helicopter to fly, and Hammerhead flung himself out to see the helicopter when she's flying and have Spider-Man with her'')

:'''Spider-Man:''' That's Silvermane? He's the old man I rescued from Doc Ock. If I'd known who he was, I'd have handed him over with a ribbon and bow attached! 


:'''Silvermane:''' Power of the Toltec's give me the wisdom of your wisest shamen's, the strength of your strongest warriors, and the invulnerability that will carry me into the next millennium! (''The gizmo laser rays from the sky bounces into the Tablet of Time to zaps him and turns him into younger'')

:(''banging a door'')
:'''Dr. Connors:''' Let me out! You don't know what you're doing!
:(''mutating into the Lizard'')
No...! No! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

:(Tombstone takes off the web from him and use the remote control to close the ceiling; and the power stops around Silvermane)

:(''To Young Adult Silvermane'')
:'''Alisa:''' Father?
:'''Young Adult Silvermane:''' Yes, Alisa, it is me. The way I was before you were born: strong, fearless, powerful enough to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies- enemies like Spider-Man.


:'''Alisa:''' Are you alright?
:'''Young Adult Silver:''' Better than alright. I feel wonderful like- Uh UUHHHHHH!!!  (''Turns into a child'')
:'''Alisa:''' What's happening to you? Dr. Connors! Where are you?

:'''Little Silvermane:''' No...! No! I don't wanna be like this! Make it stop. Please! Somebody help meeee! 
(''turns into a baby'')

(''Looking at Silvermane when he turns into a baby; Spider-Man and Tombstone look at each other a little bit'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Incredible! He wanted his youth back. He got it...!

:(''Run to Baby Silvermane'')
:'''Alisa:''' Father! Father!!!

:(''walking through the door when she's leaving and To The Kingpin)
:'''Vanessa Fisk:''' I used to believe that, now I see clearly: all you really love is being The Kingpin; The Kingpin of crime!
:(''walks out of the door'')

:(''The Kingpin sits down the chair and feel depressed'')

:(''carrying the Tablet of Time'')
:'''Hammerhead:''' You said for me, boss?
:'''The Kingpin:''' Thank you for obtaining the tablet for me.
:'''Hammerhead:''' Hey! No problem it was my-
:'''The Kingpin:''' Now, dispose of it.
:'''Hammerhead:''' What...? But-!
:'''The Kingpin:''' I said get rid of it! The site of it sickens me. 

:(''selling the Tablet of Time to old Adrian Toomes'')
:'''Hammerhead:''' Got yourself a real bargain there, a real bargain.
:(''Laughs out of the door'')

:(''Adrian Toomes feels the Tablet of Time across it like a rainbow'')


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=== ''E13 - Shriek of the Vulture '' ===
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:'''The Vulture:''' This is none of your business.
:(''slices at the trees Spider-Man lands on'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Well fine, but don't blame me if you get a splinter in your wing. Who is this flying flamingo? 


:(''after regaining his youth'')
:'''Boy:''' What, what happened to me?
:'''Spider-Man:''' I don't know, but I want the name of the vitamins you took this morning. 


:'''The Vulture:''' You again. Stop meddling in my affairs.
:'''Spider-Man:''' Not until you explain that aging trick. I hate mysteries.


:'''Flash:''' What would somebody as brain-pumped as Debra see in a jock like me?
:'''Peter:''' Hey, she definitely likes you, dude. So, she can't be that smart! 


:(''to the Vulture who's flying off with Harry Osborn'') 
:'''Spider-Man:''' What is it with you and the Osborn's? Are you trying to start a collection? 
:(''to Harry Osborn as he hangs him from the stage roof'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Sorry guy. Just pretend you're the lead in Peter Pan. 
:(''after noticing that he has only a few minutes left of youth'') 
:'''The Vulture:''' No time to finish. (''he flies off'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Huh, I guess he had a cake in the oven.


:(''after seeing Mary Jane and Harry Osborn hugging'') 
:'''Spider-Man:''' The story of my life. Save the world, lose the girl. 


:(''after tripping Flash, thinking he was an intruder'') 
:'''Spider-Man:''' Thompson, what are you doing here?
:'''Flash:''' Spider-Man, I was only looking for someone. See? (''holds out flowers'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' For me, you shouldn't have. 


:(''while dodging Toomes's laser turret'') 
:'''Spider-Man:''' Great, I'm trapped in a gigantic video game. At least I don't need any quarters. 


:(''to the Vulture as he stops him from taking Flash's youth'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Ah ah ah. You didn't say may I. 


:'''Spider-Man:''' Rescued by Flash Thompson, how embarrassing.

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=== ''E14 - The Final Nightmare '' ===
:'''Scorpion:''' Here is a little present, creep!
:'''Spider-Man:''' I sense hostility. Go with your feelings - vent! 

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:(''after attacking the Lizard'') 
:'''Spider-Man:''' I don't want to hurt you doc. I don't know if I could if I wanted to.

== SEASON 3 THE SINS OF THE FATHERS ==

=== ''E01 - Doctor Strange'' ===
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:(''about Doctor Strange'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' He should take that act to Vegas. All he needs is a couple of tigers! 


:'''Dr. Strange:''' I must warn you. The odds against us returning alive are astronomical.
:'''Spider-Man:''' Big deal. I've been through the Bronx. I'm ready. 


:(''while they are flying'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Thanks for the freak trip, Doc. This is saving me a fortune on webbing.


:'''Spider-Man:''' Looks like they're closed for the night.
:(''to Doctor Strange after he opens a hole in a force field)
:'''Spider-Man:''' Remind me to call you if I ever lose my house key. 


:'''Dr. Strange:''' Here we are again, Wong. About to leap into the unknown, to fight the deadliest battle of our lives.
:'''Wong:''' Exciting, is it not, Doctor?
:'''Dr. Strange:''' It is.
:'''Spider-Man:''' No offense, but you guys are really weird! 


:'''Dr. Strange:''' You are a worthy ally in the battle against darkness. May the Vishanti watch over thee.
:'''Spider-Man:''' And may your amulets.. never.. tickle. 

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=== ''E02 - Make a Wish'' ===
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:'''Taina:''' They say a lot of silly things in there, but the pictures are good! Like this one, by that Peter Parker guy. Do you know him? 
:'''Spider-Man:''' Sometimes too well.


:'''Doctor Octopus:'''Pingree? He had nothing to do with this, nothing!
:'''Spider-Man:''' It's working. He's losing his concentration. They're loosening!
:'''Doctor Octopus:''' Nobody gives me my due!
:'''Spider-Man:''' ''I'll'' give you your due!!

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=== ''E03 - Attack of the Octobot'' ===
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:'''Guard:''' Freeze!
:'''Dr. Octopus:''' Did you say &quot;squeeze&quot;? 


:'''Dr. Octopus:''' Is this the end of Octavius? Defeated by a child?
:'''Spider-Man:''' Face it, Ock. This kids today just have no respect for their elders.

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=== ''E04 - Enter the Green Goblin'' ===
[[File:Green_Goblin.jpg|thumb|I think that the whole 'Green Goblin' saga was about as good as it got when Stan was writing the comic book series,&quot; said Semper. &quot;It was intriguing, surprising, dramatic, exciting -- everything I wanted my Spider-Man series to be. I remember reading the whole thing breathlessly when I was a kid. It was incredible. Why wouldn't I want to recreate that? I'm not a big believer in messing with something that's already 100% right. My ego isn't so big that I'd want to tinker with it and make it 'better.' God save us from all the 'creative visionaries' in this business who want to make things better.]]
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:'''Spider-Man:''' All right, Hobgo-- You're not the Hobgoblin!
:'''Green Goblin:''' How ''observant'' you are! No, I'm not the Hobgoblin, meddler - I'm the ''Green'' Goblin! Not that you'll live long enough for it to matter!


:'''Spider-Man:''' Do you have any idea what these high-profile kidnappings have in common?
:'''Lt. Lee:''' Yeah, but why should I tell you? Just because you saved my life once?
:'''Spider-Man:''' Twice, but who's counting? 


:'''Spider-Man:''' Leave these two alone and we'll settle this just between us.
:'''Green Goblin:''' Are you joking?! The more, the merrier! 


:(''catching Mary Jane snooping around Oscorp'') 
:'''Green Goblin:''' Well, well, someone's spying on me. Didn't you know that curiosity killed the cat?! 


:(''to Fisk'') 
:'''Green Goblin:''' And you, the worst of them all! Your sins are exceeded only by your gut! 


:'''Green Goblin''': Justice will be served! And all of you will suffer for your crimes against Norman Osborn! ''(flies to a small replica of the Statue of Liberty, with a cloth covering its face)'' Because justice is blind NO LONGER! ''(pulls away the cloth to reveal a mask like his own, and laughs)''
:'''Spider-Man:''' All you megalomaniacs have such a weird sense of humor!


:'''Jameson:''' What's your angle in this?
:'''Spider-Man:''' Saving your ungrateful life.
:'''Jameson:''' Why I oughta--
:'''Mary Jane:''' Mr. Jameson, come on!

:'''Green Goblin:''' There is only one true goblin! THE GREEN GOBLIN!!!

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=== ''E05 - Rocket Racer'' ===
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:'''Spider-Man:''' I always did wanna hang with the homeboys. 

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=== ''E06 - Framed'' ===
:'''Peter:''' One please, with lots of mustard.
:(''Choi ducks behind cart'')
:'''Peter:''' Why's my spider-sense going off?
:'''Choi:''' (''pulling out a gun'') Don't move!
:'''Peter:''' So are you trying to tell me this thing is bad for my cholesterol? 
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:'''Peter:''' I hate the sewer! Whenever I have to use it, I'm eternally grateful I wasn't bitten by a radioactive rat.

=== ''E07 - The Man Without Fear'' ===
[[File:NYCC_2016_-_Daredevil,_Scorpion_&amp;_Vulture_(30235176245).jpg|thumb|&quot;We can't have Satan on our cartoon show&quot; they said. We had to explain that he's not THE devil, he's a DAREdevil. Well, he has little horns. Can you take off the little horns? Can you make them look more like ears? He's got those red, evil eyes.&quot; It's stuff like that that makes you want to pack-up your laptop, move to a cabin deep in the woods and write thousand-page manifestos against the &quot;moronic imbeciles.&quot;]]
:'''Peter:''' Anna Watson activated my spider-sense. She must be ''really'' mad at me.

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:'''Spider-Man:''' Nice moves!
:'''Mary Jane:''' Hey, I'm a single woman living in New York. Self defense classes are a must! 

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:'''Spider-Man:''' Uh, can you guys tell me where the little spiders' room is?

=== ''E08 - The Ultimate Slayer'' ===
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:'''Madame Web:''' Please get off the floor. I just dusted it for cobwebs.
:'''Spider-Man:''' Ugh, seriously? Madame Web, again?! I'd much rather take Smythe. 

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=== ''E09 - Tombstone'' ===
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:'''Robbie:''' Randy! (''turn on the light'') What are you doing?!
:'''Randy:''' Nothing.
:'''Robbie:''' Nothing? (''showing him a gun'') You called this nothing? What do you want my own service revolver? Don't you know how dangerous these things are? (''Looking at the blue bandana inside of Randy's pants pocket and take it out of it'') What is this?! You're not in that gang, are you? ARE YOU?!
:'''Randy:''' What if I am? At least, they care about me!
:'''Robbie:''' And you think we don't?
:'''Randy:''' (&quot;restrained from Robbie&quot;) The posse's always there for me, like a family. And I'm gonna prove myself to it.
:'''Robbie:''' Randy, you don't have to-
:'''Randy:''' You just don't understand!
:'''Spider-Man:''' Wow. Looks like Robbie's got the bad news already. (''phone's ringing'')
:'''Robbie:''' (''Picks up the phone'') Hello...?
:'''Tombstone:''' Hey, homey. What's up?
:'''Robbie:''' Who is this?
:'''Tombstone:''' Don't tell me you forgotten my voice, Mr. Straight-Arrow.
:'''Robbie:''' Lonnie? But, it can't be! I thought you were-
:'''Tombstone:''' Don't be so sure I'm not. I wanna meet and talk about old times.
:'''Robbie:''' I-I-I can't right now.
:'''Tombstone:''' Oh yes, you can. See I especially want to rap about my good friend of mine, a foxy lady by the name of Alisa Silvermane.
:'''Spider-Man:''' What's wrong with Robbie? He looks like he seen a ghost.
:'''Tombstone:''' Meet me at Veterans Memorial Park: midnight.
:'''Robbie:''' (''Hangs up the phone'') Something urgents come up at the Bugle. I have to go. 
:'''Randy:''' Yeah. (''Imitates Robbie'') Something urgents always coming up....
:'''Robbie:''' You go straight to your room, we'll continue this when I get back. (''Walks out of the house door'') 

:(''pinning Spider-Man'')
:'''Tombstone:''' I'm gonna prepare a coffin for you. A real flat one, brother!
:'''Spider-Man:''' He ain't my brother, he's heavy! 


:(''about Madame Web'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' I don't know why this strange mystic decided to be my adviser, but I really wish she'd just leave me alone and get her own talk-show! 


:'''Tombstone:''' Come down here and fight like a man!
:'''Spider-Man:''' I don't suppose I could convince you to come up here and fight like a spider. 
(''Tombstone picks up the railing pole and swung at him while Spider-Man dodges it'')
Now, why I tell you about playing ball in the house, young man?
(''Tombstone hits him and Spider-Man spins a web at Tombstone around his ankle, and trip him to fall against the chemical pool'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' You better stay still. Another swim in that chemical soup and your hair might turn green!
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=== ''E10 - Venom Returns'' ===
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:'''Cop:''' Cletus Kasady, come out and nobody gets hurt.
:'''Cletus Kasady:''' &quot;Nobody gets hurt&quot;? Man, what fun would ''that'' be?!
:(''and throws a grenade to the cops'')


:'''Cletus Kasady:''' ''(activating a bomb)'' In thirty seconds, I'll see you all in--
:'''Spider-Man:''' ''(snatches the bomb)'' Thanks, big-mouth! Now I know how much time I have!


:'''Spider-Man:''' Madame Web, you don't surprise me anymore. This time I knew it was you.
:'''Madame Web:''' I see nothing clever in that Spider-Man. You've always been awfully good at deducing things that are pathetically obvious.
:'''Spider-Man:''' Gee, thanks. Uh, don't tell me you teleported all this way just to insult little old me?


:(''referring to Madame Web'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' She wants to make a warrior out of me. Warrior? Me? Heck, I'm still fighting acne!


:(''Being escorted to his cell'')
:'''Cletus Kasady''': Man, what a dump! No pool, no stereo, and ''weirdos'' everywhere you look!


:'''Cletus Kasady''': ''(to Dr. Ashley Kafka)'' Don't I get a goodbye kiss, or are you afraid I'm gonna ''bite?''
:'''Eddie Brock''': Hey, you! Shut up!
:'''Cletus Kasady''': Hey, man, I could eat you for breakfast!
:'''Eddie Brock''': Oh yeah?! Well, I'd give you indigestion... &quot;man&quot;.


:'''Venom:''' This wasn't your fight! It is now, little man of iron!
:'''War Machine:''' Iron Man's the other guy, but thanks for the compliment.

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=== ''E11 - Carnage'' ===
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:'''Venom''': ''(to Carnage)'' You may be our spawn, but that won't keep us from destroying you!


:(''Jameson tries to unmask Spider-Man, but War Machine stops him'')
:'''War Machine:''' Hold it! I think he looks good in a mask.
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''(Venom crashes through the ceiling of the Daily Bugle)''

:'''War Machine''': Tony, I'm sorry, I let you down.
:'''Tony''': Nonsense, my friend, you soften him up. Now, I'm gonna send someone to finish the job!
:'''Spider-Man''': Who's he gonna send?
:'''War Machine''': The guy named Iron Man!

:'''Venom''': Why, if it isn't our old boss. ''(picks up Jameson by the leg)'' Perfect appetizer. ''(spots Peter Parker)'' Ah, and here is the main course. ''(shoot web at Parker Parker tying him to a video camera)'' This is what we call service.
:'''Dr. Ashley Kafka''': No, Eddie!
:'''Venom''': You?
:'''Dr. Ashley Kafka''': Eddie, listen to me. It's the symbiote that compels you to violence. You must fight its influence.
:'''J. Jameson''': Yeah, Brock. D-D-D-D-D-D-Don't hurt me. I've always thought the world of you. ''(Venom gently puts Jameson down as Dr. Ashley approaches him)'' Stay away from him, Kafka. ''(crawls away from Venom)''
:'''Dr. Ashley Kafka''': Eddie.
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:'''Peter Parker''': ''(voice over)'' Venom's appearance here caught me off guard. ''(frees himself from Venom's web)'' But, Dr. Kafka's bought me some time.
:'''Dr. Ashley Kafka''': You see, you are strong enough. You can reject it.
:'''Eddie Brock''': No, Ashley. Our other is too strong!


:(''as Baron Mordo attacks'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Careful! They're some kind of mystic bolts!
:'''Iron Man:''' Didn't think they were spit-wads! 

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=== ''E12 - The Spot'' ===
:'''Kingpin:''' I have been waiting for this moment for some time.
:'''Spider-Man:''' What do you have in mind, a pie-eating contest?
:(''grabs Spider-Man and begins bear hugging him'')
:'''Kingpin:''' Approximately two percent of my body mass is fat. Allow me to show you what three hundred and fifty pounds of muscle is capable of.
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:'''Herbert Landon:''' Why would you help them!?
:'''Kingpin:''' There's no profit to be made in the destruction of the planet. It's very bad for business.

=== ''E13 - Goblin Wars'' ===
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:'''Mary-Jane Watson''': Doesn't Felicia look radiant?
:'''Peter Parker''': Maybe to you. But I'm holding the most beautiful girl in the room.
:'''Harry Osborn''': I couldn't agree more.
:'''Peter Parker''': Uh, Harry.
:'''Harry Osborn''': So you do remember my name.
:'''Peter Parker''': That's silly, Harry. You're my friend.
:'''Harry Osborn''': If you look up &quot; ''friend'' &quot; in the dictionary, it says nothing about stealing away girlfriends.
:'''Peter Parker''': Listen, I didn't steal--
:'''Harry Osborn''': But you did. And for that, I can never forgive you, ever. Thanks a lot, ''friend''.
:'''Mary-Jane Watson''': He's got to accept the fact that I'm not his girlfriend anymore. I'm going to go talk to him.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:(''as Jason talks about his decor'') 
:'''Peter Parker''': My Spider-sense was right about the danger. I'm in danger of being bored to death! 

:(''To Hobgoblin'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Careful, Hobby. If I go kaboom, your toy goes up too! (''Slings a web to swing'')
:'''Kingpin:''' (''Knocks down Spider-Man from swinging'') The only one who will go &quot;kaboom&quot; is you! I am going to break you in two! ''(whilst bear-hugging Spider-Man)''
:'''Spider-Man:''' He's... crushing... me...!

:'''Green Goblin:''' Stand back for the ''real'' Goblin!
:'''Hobgoblin:''' What?!
:'''Green Goblin:''' The ''Green'' Goblin!
:'''Hobgoblin:''' I thought you were just a rumor!
:'''Green Goblin:''' You're going to wish I was!


:'''Green Goblin''': ''(fighting the Hobgoblin)'' You don't deserve to wear that mask!


:(''after the Green Goblin tosses the desk to him'') 
:'''Hobgoblin:''' How did you lift that?!
:'''Green Goblin:''' Because I'm the real deal, you cheap imitation. 


:'''Spider-Man:''' You know, that laugh is getting on my nerves.
:'''Green Goblin:''' You?! Still alive?!
:'''Spider-Man:''' Alive and sticking!

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=== ''E14 - The Turning Point'' ===
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:'''Green Goblin:''' PARKER! You've been a thorn in my side for too long! You've pestered me as Spider-Man!
:'''Norman Osborn:''' You've hurt my son as Peter Parker.
:'''Green Goblin:''' (insane cackle) WELL, IT ALL ENDS TONIGHT!

:'''Spider-Man:''' (''after spider-sense tingling'') Look out!
(''Placed Mary Jane out of the way from the missile, floor cracks into an halfway and she fell off the bridge and scream'') Mary Jane!! (''Mary Jane fell into the vortex'')
(''slings a web into the water'') No! Where did she go? Mary Jane! MARY JAAANNNNNE!!! (''Dive into the water off the bridge'') 

:'''Spider-Man:''' You'll pay, Osborn! If I have to hunt you down for the rest of my life,, YOU'LL PAY!

(''Previously after the Green Goblin activated the vortex'')
:'''Green Goblin:''' Help. Help me!
:(''The Green Goblin's mask off of Norman Osborn into the vortex'')
:'''Norman Osborn:''' Wh- Where am I? What's going on? Spider-Man, help me!
:'''Spider-Man:''' What on earth should I do that?

:'''Spider-Man:''' Hang on, Osborn, I'm coming!
:'''Norman Osborn:''' Hurry, I'm losing my grip!
:'''Spider-Man:''' Quick! Take my hand!
:'''Norman Osborn:''' I'm trying! 
:'''Green Goblin:''' (''insane cackling and controlling his gliding board'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Osborn, take my hand, it's your only chance!
:'''Green Goblin:''' There's no Osborn anymore, Parker, there is only the Green Goblin! AH-HAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!! (''spider-sense around Spider-Man bend his head to dodge the Green Goblin's gliding board and it crashes him into the vortex'') AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!  
:(''after Green Goblin is sucked into the vortex'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' It can't end like this! MADAME WEB! 
:(''Spider-Man then ends up at Madame Web's place'')
:'''Madame Web:''' Yes, Spider-Man?
:'''Spider-Man:''' Can you bring them back? I'll do whatever you want.
:'''Madame Web:''' I can't!
:'''Spider-Man:''' Can't or won't?
:'''Madame Web:''' This is the path that you chose for yourself. To do things on your own. Once that decision is made, there is no turning back. It is yet another thing that you have to learn.
:'''Spider-Man:''' (''angrily takes off his mask'') LEARN?! I am tired of you, and your riddles, and your lessons, and your SUPREME ARROGANCE! Don't you ever, EVER enter my life again! Do you hear me? DO YOU HEAR ME?!
:'''Madame Web:''' As you wish. I shall leave you for now, to resolve your recent losses. But it doesn't change the fact you are needed. And when the impending mission is nigh, I will call on you again. You cannot escape that. It is your destiny.


:'''Spider-Man:''' For so long now, I've tried to live up to the responsibility that comes with this great power. But when push came to shove, I failed the people who needed me most. The woman I love is gone. Gone forever. 

(''Fall around inside the vortex'')
:'''Mary Jane:''' Where am I? Peter? Somebody, please, help me! HELP MMEEEEEEE!!!

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== SEASON 4 PARTNERS IN DANGER ==

=== ''E01 - Guilty'' ===

:'''Spider-Man:''' If I'm gonna quit it looks like they're gonna throw me one heck of a party and what's a party without snapshots

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:'''Spider-Man:''' Well, I've got to give old fuzz head credit, he never gives up. 

=== ''E02 - The Cat '' ===
[[File:Fan_Expo_2015_-_Black_Cat_%26_Spider-Man_%2821756521832%29.jpg|thumb|I always though that having somebody project 'bad luck' on somebody else as a 'super power' the Black Cat's super-power in the comic books, was ridiculous. Doing the Super Soldier Serum thing got us into a much deeper, richer storyline, which is what I had to do to keep the series unpredictable and interesting.]]
:(''to a young Felicia'') 
:'''John Hardesky:''' Come in Felicia. What are you doing up at this hour?
:'''Young Felicia:''' I like being up late. That's when I get to see you daddy.
:'''John Hardesky:''' We're very much alike kitten. We're both most comfortable when we're wrapped in the dark blanket of the night.


:'''Doctor Octopus:''' What? How could you have known I was here?
:'''Spider-Man:''' Must be my sense of smell.
:'''Doctor Octopus:''' Let us see how well developed your pain receptors are.


:(''after avoiding all of Doctor Octopus' arm attacks'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Aww, just a little short of the mark, huh?
:(''as he pulls the bookcase behind Spider-Man on top of him'')
:'''Doctor Octopus:''' Wrong! 


:'''Felicia:''' Why do I always fall for mysterious men? Jason, Michael, Spider-Man. Men who are wrapped in the dark blanket of the night. 


:(''while climbing to the top of a skyscraper'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' If you want good reception, head for the top of the world, or at least the top of the city. 


:(''after being trapped in a gooey web ball and taken onto S.H.I.E.L.D.'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Now I know what it feels like to be vacuumed packed. At least I've gotten them to take me to their castle in the sky. 


:(''after shooting the S.H.I.E.L.D. agent with her gooey web gun'') 
:'''Spider-Man:''' Oh, that'll cut down on my webbing expenses. 


:'''John Hardesky:''' Where are you taking me?
:(''disguised as Nick Fury'')
:'''The Chameleon:''' All you need to know is, somebody went to a lot of trouble to spring you, and it's not because of your charm.
:(''after kicking the Chameleon'') 
:'''John Hardesky:''' How about my talent? 


:'''Peter:''' But what do I tell Felicia? Hey, I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is your father's still alive. The bad is they've locked him up and thrown away the key because he knows too much. 
=== ''E03 - The Black Cat '' ===


:'''Black Cat:''' Heh Heh, knew you'd come, Spider.
:'''Spider-Man:''' Who are you?
:'''Black Cat:''' Just a stray... Black Cat!
:'''Spider-Man:''' You're definitely getting enough vitamins.


:(''after being thrown by Spider-Man'')
:'''Black Cat:''' Silly spider, cats always land on their feet.
:(''Spider-Man web-swings her down on her back'')


:'''Black Cat:''' Hey, I was just being curious. I wanted to see if I was as strong as you.
:'''Spider-Man:''' Well, you know what they say about curiosity. 
:'''Black Cat:''' Believe me! I also know the value of surprise.
:(''gasses him with tranquilizer spray'')


:(''after awakening from the Black Cat's knockout gas'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Whoever that chick was, she gives new meaning to the word knockout. 


:'''John Hardesky:''' Tell me, now that you're all grown up, is there anyone special in your life?
:'''Felicia:''' Actually, there is someone. He's a lot like you - mysterious.
:'''John Hardesky:''' And you have strong feelings for him?
:'''Felicia:''' Yes, I'm afraid so.


:'''Black Cat:''' Hey spider, care to dance?
:'''Spider-Man:''' Not this time. 


:'''Spider-Man:''' Kingpin? If you work for Kingpin, why don't you want to kill me?
:'''Black Cat:''' Who knows? Maybe it's your magnetic personality.


:(''while trying to free Spider-Man's foot from the gooey material shot from the S.H.I.E.L.D. agent's gun'')
:'''Black Cat:''' You really put your foot in it this time spider. 


:(''after the Black Cat kicks open a door'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Nice touch! 


:(''as he's about to web the door shut, trapping the S.H.I.E.L.D. agents in the building'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' This'll keep them in there. (''runs out of web fluid'') Or maybe not.


:(''as she's about to make their getaway on a motorcycle'')
:'''Black Cat:''' Need a lift?
:(''as he puts on a helmet'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' I've got a feeling I'm going to need this


:(''after the Black Cat and Spider-Man commandeer a motorcycle'')
:'''Biker:''' You miserable thieves!
:'''Spider-Man:''' We're not thieves. Well, I'm not, but her I'm not so sure about.


:'''Spider-Man:''' I hate to be a backseat driver, but this is a one-way street.
:'''Black Cat:''' Relax, I'm a New Yorker.
:'''Spider-Man:''' Relax doesn't go in the same sentence as New York. 


:(''after the Black Cat jumps the motorcycle over an oncoming bus'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' You didn't take lessons from a guy named Blade, did you?


:(''as he sees the approaching S.H.I.E.L.D. agents on their hovercrafts'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Uh oh.
:'''Black Cat:''' Ever hear the phrase divide and conquer? (''they split up'')


:'''Spider-Man:''' Look, I don't even know who you are.
:'''Black Cat:''' Like you I have my secrets, but that doesn't mean you can't trust me.
:'''Spider-Man:''' Alright, but we have to return this bike first.
:'''Black Cat:''' No problem.
:'''Spider-Man:''' And then let's discuss this bad habit you have of taking things that aren't yours. 


:(''as he holds a captured Black Cat hostage'') 
:'''Doctor Octopus:''' Surrender, Spider-Man, unless you want to see if this little cat truly has nine lives. 


:'''Black Cat:''' Before we go, there's one last thing I have to tell you.
:'''Spider-Man:''' Yes?
:(''pushing Spider-Man out of the way of a laser blast'')
:'''Black Cat:''' Duck.
:'''Spider-Man:''' Duck? 


:(''to the Black Cat as they are caught in the middle of a fight between Kingpin's troops and S.H.I.E.L.D.'s agents'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' If we stay here, we may take a hit from either side, or both. Personally, I like a little more control over my destiny. 


:(''to the Black Cat as they are about to jump out of Kingpin's hovercraft over the river'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' We all know how cats feel about water, but I think I can keep your paws dry. (''shoots out a web parachute'')


:'''Black Cat:''' Great working with you spider. Don't be surprised if I cross your path again.
:(''knocks Spider-Man into the river'')


:(''after getting pushed into the river by Black Cat'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' What is it with me? Why do woman always leave me high and &quot;wet&quot;? Well, at least when she wasn't looking I put a spider tracer on her. (''sees it on his back'') Huh? She put it back on me!

=== ''E04 - The Return of Kraven '' ===

:'''Black Cat:''' Is this private or can any party animal join the hunt?

=== ''E05 - Partners '' ===
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:(''after she knockout a thief with her knockout gas'')
:'''Black Cat:''' Time for your cat nap.


:'''Baby Silvernmane''': Quickly! Change my diaper.


:(''Smythe wants Spider-Man to capture the Vulture or the Scorpion, or he won't release the Black Cat'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Great! How am I gonna find those two worms in an apple this big?


:'''Scorpion''': There's only one reason I bothered to save your miserable life after your lab went kablooey! It's because I ''need'' a science guy like you to turn me back into plain old Mac Gargan!
:'''Vulture''': Fine! Then let me go, so I can cure us both!
:'''Scorpion''': You're gonna stay right where you are, until I can get the money to build us a lab.
:'''Vulture''': Why don't you ''steal'' it, bug-boy? Petty crime is your forte.
:'''Scorpion''': No! I told you - I'm going straight!
:'''Vulture''': ''(laughs)'' You're going ''nowhere'', Gargan! You're hiding! Maybe you should call yourself &quot;The Cockroach&quot;!
:'''Scorpion''': Nah...


:'''Spider-Man''': Took long enough to snoop you out! Looks like retirement didn't mellow you any--
:'''Scorpion''': Beat it, ya stinkin' yo-yo! I don't have time to joke around!


:'''Spider-Man''': Scorpion, you're gonna listen to me if I have to tie you up with your own tail!
:'''Scorpion''': All right, you want my tail, Spider-Man?! Here - it's all yours! ''(blasts acid at him)''


:'''Scorpion''': Stupid Wall-Crawler! You ruined everything! ''(Tails Spider-Man and he dodges it)'' I'm running out of time! ''(blasts acid at him)''
:'''Spider-Man''': ''(Jumps away from his acid blast)'' I'm running out of time too!


:'''Black Cat:''' Maybe I should take super hero lessons from the Hulk instead! 


:'''Black Cat:''' So, here's another fine mess we've gotten ourselves into, Ollie.
:'''Spider-Man:''' Any bright ideas, partner?
:'''Black Cat:''' Did I hear you say &quot;partner&quot;? 


:'''Baby Silvermane''': I can't swap energy with him! Stop him!
:'''Alisa''': ''(points the gun at Spider-Man)'' Get back into the machine!
:'''Spider-Man''': ''(Black Cat kicks Alisa away from him)'' Thanks, partner!
:'''Black Cat''': Don't mention it, partner.
:'''Adult Silvermane''': ''(Getting older with the Vulture in the machine)'' Shut off the machine! He's too old!

:'''Smythe''': I have to shut off the main power! ''(Scorpion blasts the main panel)'' ''(to Scorpion)'' YOU FOOL!!
:'''Scorpion''': You ain't gonna do no more works with your machines! ''(fighting with him)''
:'''Alisa''': ''(runs to Silvermane)'' Father, no!
:'''Silvermane''': Too old!
:'''The Vulture''': I'm young again! This time, better stay that way!
:'''Smythe''': ''(kicks Scorpion)'' Toomes, with no one in the machine, the recombinator will overload! ''(Shooting the Vulture)''
:'''The Vulture''': ''(flies up and dodge his lasers)'' Who cares?! I have what I want already! ''(Smythes shooting him)'' ''(flies away)'' Thanks for the new lease on life, old man! Have a nice rest of your life! ''(Laughs)''


:'''Smythe:''' (''to Scorpion'') You are a freak of nature, whom I shall exterminate!
:'''Spider-Man:''' Funny, coming from the cyborg!

:'''Alisa:''' I'm sorry it turned out this way, father. But at least you won't have to worry about diapers anymore.
:'''Silvermane:''' I wouldn't be so sure about that! 


:(''Black Cat is trying to get a door open'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Here, let me do it. This takes muscle.
:'''Black Cat:''' (''wrenches door open'') You're right. It does.

(''Place exploding'')

:'''Scorpion''': (''Carrying Sarah and escape'') Out of my way!

(''Spider-Man and the Black Cat escapes from the place when it's explode'')

:'''Spider-Man:''' You were amazing back there, more than me! I'd be honored to have you fight by my side. Not only that but I'm starting think I really do care about you. Think we could be partners?
:'''Black Cat:''' (''kisses his cheek'') That and maybe more.
 
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=== ''E06 - The Awakening'' ===

:'''Black Cat:''' Is this the best you can do? Boring!

=== ''E07 - The Vampire Queen '' ===

:'''Miriam''': I need your plasma to sustain me into the long, long journey.

:'''Blade''': Drop the human now, Night Stalker!

:'''Miriam''': Sunlight!

:'''Blade''': Nothing can protect you this time, vampire!

:'''Miriam''': You can't stop me. Not now!

:'''Blade''': (''Looks at the broken locket'')  No! It can't be! '''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!'''

=== ''E08 - The Return of the Green Goblin '' ===
:(''trying to steer the Goblin Glider'')
:'''Peter:''' No wonder Norman went crazy. Trying to steer this things would make anyone nuts! 

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:(''to Punisher, while pointing up at the Green Goblin'') 
:'''Peter:''' Well, what do ya know, that must be me up there. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Harry:''' (''delusional singing'') Spider-Man and the Punisher, sitting in a tree. M.J., M.J., M.J., and me. (''cackles'')
:'''Punisher:''' (''to Peter'') You're friend, Osborn here, is a few pumpkins short of a full pie. But, now that you're here, kid, you've still got some explaining to do, and the first thing is: Where is Mary Jane Watson?
:'''Peter:''' (''thinking'') Tell me this doesn't get worse.
:'''Mary Jane''':  Peter?
:'''Peter:''' Mary Jane! (''Hugs Mary Jane'') I don't understand!
:'''Harry:''' It's yooo-oou!
:'''Peter:''' Where were you all this time?!
:'''Mary Jane''': I don't know where I've been, or what's happened! I just knew that I have to find you. (''Hugs back to Peter'') I love you, Peter.
:'''Peter:''' And I love you.

(''Mary Jane fainted'')

:'''Punisher:''' ('' to Peter'') I have a promise to keep, kid.


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=== ''E09 - The Haunting Of Mary Jane '' ===
:'''Jameson:''' Your plundering is gonna get us sliced into fish paste!
:(''after drowning the robots'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Well, that should stop them.
:'''Jameson:''' What if they can swim?
:'''Spider-Man:''' No way! It's flesh that provides buoyancy, or hot air. Which means you'd never drown. 
:'''Jameson:''' Why you..
:'''Spider-Man:''' Ah, ah, ah! Be nice, I just saved your life, remember?


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:(''to Jameson, before going after Mysterio'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Yeah, right. I'd love to listen to you, squid-lips, but I've got another fish to catch. And he comes with his own fishbowl.

=== ''E10 - The Lizard King '' ===
:(''after Mary Jane jumps off a building'')
:'''Peter:''' Why would you do that?
:'''Mary Jane:''' To prove to myself that you'll always be there for me when it really counts. You will, won't you, Peter?
:'''Peter:''' Yes. Yes, I will. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gila:''' It's no use. These chains were stolen from above.
:'''Spider-Man:''' What they're going do with us?
:'''Gila:''' They'll put us in the games.
:'''Spider-Man:''' The games?
:'''Gila:''' I had hoped our father will come and put an end to the games. But instead... [''starts crying'']
:'''Spider-Man:''' Gila, don't give up. Listen, I know how you came to be. You and the others evolved into what you are now. This is from Doc Connors' DNA. You got it from a fluid that accidentally washed into the sewers-
:'''Gila:''' [''shocked''] An accident? Is that all we are?
:'''Spider-Man:''' [''embarrassed''] I'm sorry... I shouldn't have-
:'''Lizard guardian:''' Time for the games!
:'''Spider-Man:''' [''as he and Gila are dragged away by the guards''] Something tells me we're not talking checkers here.
:'''Gila:''' [''still shocked''] An accident? We're nothing but an accident?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gila:''' An accident gave us a chance to live as the humans live! To love! To laugh! But instead, we have chosen stupidity, brutality! We could have been better than them! But instead, we have chosen to act as animals!
:'''Lizard:''' What!?
:'''Gila:''' So we have chosen... so shall we be! [''activates genetic neutron bomb, reverting herself and other lizardmen back into ordinary lizards'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mary Jane:''' What's the matter?
:'''Spider-Man:''' With all my super powers, I was helpless. It took three normal women to save the world.
:'''Mary Jane:''' Anything wrong with that?
:'''Spider-Man:''' No, but I was hoping to be the only one to wear the superhero costume in the family. Of course, it would probably look better on you anyway. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Peter:''' Mary Jane, this whole thing only proves to me how dangerous being Spider-Man's wife going to be. Are you sure you want to keep wearing my ring?
:'''Mary Jane:''' Bet your life on it, tiger. It will take a lot to be Spider-Man's wife, but I learned something today. If anyone can do it, it will be Mary Jane Watson.

=== ''E11 - The Prowler '' ===

:(''to the Prowler'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Nice claws. You ever hang out with my friend Wolverine?

== SEASON 5 ==

=== ''E01 - The Wedding'' ===
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:(''to the Scorpion after he kicked him away from the bank vault he was trying to break into'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Sorry Scorpion, you've exceeded your daily withdrawal limit. 
:'''The Scorpion:''' You again. Why do you always show up no matter where I go?
:'''Spider-Man:''' Hey, I'm a superhero, remember? 


:(''to the Scorpion'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Hey, you big green goof! Only a sissy would hide behind a defenseless lady.
:'''Aunt May:''' I couldn't agree more.
:'''Spider-Man:''' Heck, if she wasn't here, you'd probably have your mommy fight your battles for you, wouldn't you?


:(''to Peter about the wedding he's going to plan for him'')
:'''Jameson:''' Nothing personal, but between Fisk and me, this wedding business is war.
:'''Peter:''' (''to himself'') Oh, fine.
:'''Jameson:''' And don't worry about paying me back, you can work it off over the next decade or two.
:'''Peter:''' Huh? 

{''to the pastor''}
:'''Harry Osborn:''' Get on with it, padre!
:'''Pastor''': And I now pronounce you--
:'''Spider-Man''': Let her go, Harry!
:'''Harry Osborn''': Never! Stay back, or I'll blow this place sky high!
:'''Spider-Man''': Harry, if you really love MJ, you've gotta let her go.
:'''Harry Osborn''': Not a chance! I'd rather see her dead than in your arms, you traitor!
:'''Liz''': Harry! All this anger over imagined slights, but you can't even recognize your own mistakes! 
:'''Harry Osborn''': Liz?
:'''Liz''': Harry, listen. Deep down, you know you and her aren't meant for each other. She loves Peter, but that doesn't mean that she won't always be your friend.
:'''Harry Osborn''': No! You're lying! I don't have any friends, except the Green Goblin!
:'''Liz''': You're wrong, Harry. I'm your friend, and for what it's worth, I want to be more than that. I love you, Harry.
:'''Harry Osborn''': Y-You love me?
:'''Liz''': Yes. But if you want that to, you have let the anger go.
:'''Harry Osborn''': Someone loves me. (faints in Liz's arms) You're right, Liz. Take me back to Ravencroft. I-I really do need help. Beside, heh, I-I hate weddings anyway. And Peter, Mary Jane? I'm sorry for this. All of it.
:'''Peter Parker''': ''[to himself]'' Apology accepted, pal.

:(''to the Black Cat through the monitor of his robot's head after it was knocked from the robot itself'')
:'''Kingpin:''' I was a pleasure working with you, my dear. If ever you need a job...
:'''Black Cat:''' Shove it, Fisk. Next time, only job I'm doing is on you. 
:(''kicks robot's head causing the transmission to be lost'')

:'''Pastor:''' The ring, please.
:'''Mary Jane:''' (''Peter puts the ring onto her finger'') Oh, Peter, it's so beautiful! (''hugs and kiss with Peter'')
:'''Pastor:''' I'll skip the better or worse part since we've been through that already. So I now pronounce you husband and wife.
(''Peter and Mary Jane Parker ran out of the church down the aisle, Peter carries Mary Jane for their marriage'') 


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=== ''E02 - Six Forgotten Warriors'' ===
[[File:WonderCon_2014_-_Electro_Cosplay_%2813931847282%29.jpg|thumb|I thought it was a great idea and it came from a logical look at what Electro's powers would be in the modern day. That storyline was so much fun. Captain America and the Red Skull, the old-time heroes, the Kingpin, Spidey in Moscow. It's all great and I'm glad I was a small part of it. I hear you can get bootlegs that string the entire thing together like a movie which is how John envisioned it from the beginning.]]
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Aunt May:''' Please, be careful, dear. Your helping me move wouldn't be worth it if you sprained your back.
:'''Peter:''' Okay Aunt May, I think I can handle it. 
:(''to himself'') After all, I do have the proportional strength of a spider. (trips on a toy fire truck) Of course that spider agility of mine could use a little practice.


:'''Keene Marlow:''' Let me talk to her. Now, why don't you go out and take a walk or something.
:(''to himself after changing into his Spider-Man costume'')
:'''Peter:''' I need to do something all right, but I'll take wall crawling over walking any day.


:(''as Spider-Man sneaks around S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters through the ventilation'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Glad they haven't changed their ventilation system since I was here last. 


:'''Doc. Octopus:''' Spider-Man, here?
:'''Spider-Man:''' It's so gratifying to be recognized. I must compliment my P.R. firm.


:'''Spider-Man:''' Happy to see me, big guy?
:'''Rhino:''' (''chuckles'') Delighted! 


:(''to Spider-Man after chasing off the Insidious Six'') 
:'''Nick Fury:''' Spider-Man, are you okay?
:'''Spider-Man:''' Yeah. I'd love to chat about old times, but we've got to stop those goons.


:(''as he locates the Insidious Six, making their getaway'') 
:'''Spider-Man:''' At last, I found the six stooges again. 


:(''as he hangs onto the Insidious Six's hovercraft by a web, while it flies over the city'') 
:'''Spider-Man:''' To bad this won't count towards my frequent flier mileage.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

=== ''E03 - Unclaimed Legacy'' ===
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:(''to Robbie as the Russian police arrive'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' I'd love to continue this chat, but neither of us needs to spend the night in a Russian jail cell.


:(''to Spider-Man'')
:'''Vulture:''' Welcome to Russia, Spider-Man! Hope you survive the experience!


:(''to Spider-Man'')
:'''Shocker:''' I'm gonna blast you from Red Square back to Times Square!
:'''Spider-Man:''' That 


:(''to Spider-Man'')
:'''Doctor Octopus:''' Is there no place on Earth where I can be rid of your meddlesome presence?
:'''Spider-Man:''' What can I say? I'm an international sensation, Doc.


:(''to the Insidious Six'') 
:'''Spider-Man:''' Did you guys come here on separate flights, or on one of those supervillain package deals? 


:(''to Spider-Man'')
:'''Rhino:''' I always wanted to send you and your big mouth to Siberia.
:'''Scorpion:''' Yeah, at least the trip won't be long, heh heh.
:'''Spider-Man:''' Don't suppose it's got in-flight meals or movies, right?


:'''Kingpin:''' I must say, this is an unexpected treat.
:'''Spider-Man:''' If I were you, Kingpin, I'd cut down on the treats.


:'''Spider-Man:''' You hatch a different crackpot scheme every week, Fisk, what makes this one so special? 


:'''Spider-Man:''' World domination? Kingpin, y'know how bland you sound right now? Like, for real, tubby, be original for once! This's cheesy cartoon bad guy talk!


:'''Silver Sable:''' Sleeping gas is working!
:(''Silver sable and the Wild Pack gases everyone in the room.


:(''waking up from the sleeping gas'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Oh, my aching head. Now where am I? 
:(''sees himself and the Insidious Six chained to the wall'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' One thing's for sure, I gotta get better company.


:'''Silver Sable:''' I am not a criminal, Spider. I am merely a professional for hire.
:'''Spider-Man:''' AKA, mercenary. Means you just work for whichever creep pays the most. I think I prefer these guys over here.
:(''refers to the Insidious Six'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Because as bad as they are, you can't say they ain't honest about it.


:(''after Kragov is unmasked'') 
:'''Spider-Man:''' Kragov, the chief of police, why are you doing this?
:'''Kragov:''' Because Kragov is only an assumed alias, Wallcrawler! My name is Reinholdt Schimdt, my father is none other than the Red Skull! And through me, I will bring my father's dreams of [[world domination]] to fruition.
:'''Spider-Man:''' Wow, solid family business, lemme tell ya! 


:(''as Kragov's base starts to collapse'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' They just don't build these evil lairs like they use to. 


:(''after narrowly escaping Kragov's exploding base'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' Now that's what I call an E-ticket ride. 


:(''to Kingpin about the Wolf Pack, as they are surrounded by the Insidious Six'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' These guys don't talk much, chubby, but something tells me they're going to give you one heck of a fight. 


:(''to her Wolf Pack'')
:'''Silver Sable:''' Come, we must also be off before the radiation eats away at our flesh.
:'''Spider-Man:''' No kidding, one dose of radiation a lifetime is enough.


&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

=== ''E04 - Secrets of the Six'' ===
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=== ''E05 - The Six Fight Again'' ===
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:'''Rhino:''' Say hello to the next duke in New Jersey!
:'''Spider-Man:''' The Kingpin gets the world and gives you Jersey? You need a better agent!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

=== ''E06 - The Price of Heroism'' ===
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=== ''The Return of Hydro-Man'' ===

==== E07 - Pt. 1 ====


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&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Mary Jane:''' Morrie Bench?! It's not possible! I saw you evaporated to nothing!
:'''Hydro Man:''' Everything is possible for me, red. I told you, nothing could keep us apart. Not even an oblivion.
:'''Mary Jane:''' Morrie! ''(Hydro Man water blasts Peter Parker away)'' Leave my husband alone!
:'''Hydro Man:''' Husband? You think I'm gonna let this wimp stand in my way? Uh-uh... We would meant to be together. I'm taking you back to New York, red, and we're going my way! ''(takes Mary Jane when she's shouts into the water)''
:'''Peter Parker:''' Mary Jane! ''(dives from the boat into the water, swim, grab Mary Jane's jacket and exhale out the water)'' '''MARY JAAANNNNE!'''

:'''Hydro Man:''' Mary Jane!
:'''Mary Jane:''' '''STAY AWAAAY!''' You stay away from me! (runs away from him)
:'''Hydro Man:''' Come back here, red. It's time we have a little heart to heart talk!

:'''Black Cat:''' I needed to be with somebody a little more light-hearted. Somebody like you, Spider.
:'''Spider-Man:''' Hate to say it, Cat, but you waited a lil' too long.
:'''Black Cat:''' ''(disappointed)'' Huh, guess I should've been more open.

:'''Police Woman:''' Yeah, she's here. But, she's being questioned.
:'''Hydro Man:''' (''Smirking Whispers'') Oh.
:'''Police Woman:''' Visitors aren't allowed.  
:'''Hydro Man:''' (''whispering talk'') I think you can make a little acception at my case. (''Splashes her'')

:'''Hydro Man:''' (''yells out to Mary Jane at the window when she's running out'') Run all you want, red, you won't get far! 

:'''Spider-Man:''' I don't mean to sound like Dr. Ruth, but Morrie, don't you think the lady's trying to tell you something? By evaporating you, boiling you, and fleeing in terror from you?
:'''Hydro Man:''' I am sick of your interference!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

==== E08 - Pt. 2 ====
:(''to Hydro-Man'') 
:'''Mary Jane:''' I hate the sound of your voice, I can't stand to look at you...
:'''Spider-Man:''' And let's not bring up your personality!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mary Jane:''' (''to Hydro Man'') How can I live my life as a clone? As the part of you? (''swipes her wrist away from him'') I hate you!
:'''Hydro Man:''' Then you're just going to have to hate me for all eternity, as my wife!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Hydro Man:''' NOOOOOOOOOO!!! This is all your fault! (''Splashing at Miles Warren and Spider-Man saves Warren'') You couldn't do it correctly you should have never done it at all! (''Continuing to splash Miles Warren and crazily splashing to destroy to lab'')
:'''Spider-Man''': Bench stop! You're destroying the lab!  
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''(As the Hydro-Man clone melts into a puddle)''
:'''Hydro Man''': No! It's happening too fast! (''almost a melt-down'') I want you, Red. (''Water pipes explosed'') I want you! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! (''Being decayed completely'')
:''(As the Mary Jane clone melts into a puddle)'' 
:'''Spider-Man''': Mary Jane. No!
:'''Mary Jane''': It's too late. I'm falling apart too.
:'''Spider-Man''': We'll get help. We'll-- Warren! Warren, where the blazes are you?!
:'''Mary Jane''': Forget it, tiger. He's gone. Oh dear! But-but b-before I go, I want to let you know just one thing, i-if any part of me is anything like the real Mary Jane Watson, she loves Peter Parker more than anything in the world. More than anything.
:'''Spider-Man''': NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! (''Mary Jane Clone is being decayed completely'') MARY JANE!!! MARY JAAAAAANE!!!
:'''Miles Warren''': ''(calling Alistair Smythe)'' Ah, Smythe my dear fellow! Sorry to bother you. Tell Silvermane I need some repairs down here. ''(looks at Spider-Man's small piece of costume material)'' Perhaps, soon, I might make some startling advances!  
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:(''Spider-Man sits on top of the bridge'')
:'''Spider-Man:''' What happened to you, Mary Jane? I can't go on without knowing. Not as Spider-Man! 
:'''Madame Web:''' Oh, how wrong you are, Spider-Man. As usual.
:'''Spider-Man:''' Madame Web!? Seriously?! Of all times, you had to pick now to harass me? What do you want!?
:'''Madame Web:''' I still have something very important to ask of you. Have you forgotten that I have been preparing you this long while for the most important battle of your life?
:'''Spider-Man:''' Trust me, remembering all of my encounters with you, Madame Web, none of them ever struck me as preparation. I want nothing to do with you. Shove off.
:'''Madame Web:''' But suppose I told you I know where Mary Jane is and you will only be able to find her should you heed my task. 
:'''Spider-Man:''' Listen, I'm not in the mood for lies, I'm done playing your game. Just leave me alone!
:'''Madame Web:''' I cannot! This is your destiny, Spider-Man. And believe it or not, now the fate of mankind rests on your weary shoulders. The greatest challenge you will ever face in your life. After all, responsibility means everything to you, does it not?

=== ''E09 - Secret Wars: Arrival'' ===
:'''Madame Web:''' He is the one. He alone can make the difference between [[existence]] and [[destruction]]. I wager that he may [[surprise]] you. Put him to the [[test]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beyonder:''' Just as we found you, we have scoured the Earth to find those who best represent the evil we require. Here, we have one Otto Octavius. Known to you as Dr. Octopus, who uses science to justify evil demons. He is a good first choice. In this place, we shall find another doctor, a tyrant who equates evil with power. He is so despised by his people, that they have hired assassins to eliminate him. Yes, I have use for this Doctor Doom. Now here's one who deludes himself into thinking that his evil can be dismissed because he has a just cause, he wants to save his father.
:'''Spider-Man:''' Alistair Smythe!
:'''Beyonder:''' Next, I have chosen one for whom evil is a disease, his brain poisoned by radioactivity.
:'''Spider-Man:''' Curt Connors. No! Leave him out of this! He's got a wife and a child!
:'''Beyonder:''' It is his alter ego, the Lizard, that I am after.
:'''Spider-Man:''' You gotta stop this!
:'''Beyonder:''' I desire only one more, one's whose evil is so strong, that it has transcended the boundaries of time, the Red Skull.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Spider-Man:''' You had to send some of the Earth's most [[dangerous]] [[villains]], to this [[peaceful]], [[harmless]] [[world]], and let them destroy it all then conquer it, just to prove [[evil]] is bad? ''(angry)'' You know, for some all powerful cosmic being, you're a few stars short a galaxy, pal!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beyonder:''' ...choose your [[game]] pieces [[wisely]] for your only chance to save this planet and return home is to lead the fight against [[evil]]... and win. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Lizard:''' This story your telling me is unbelievable. And yet, here I am with my rational mind trapped in this lizard body. I'm with you. I'll help you with whatever way I can.
:'''Spider-Man:''' Thanks, Doc.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Spider-Man:''' We've always acted [[heroically]] because it was the right thing to do. Now, we can show this cosmic cuckoobird, the Beyonder, what we human beings are really made of!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Beyonder:''' A most promising start. But there is still much to be done if the boy to survive complete annihilation. Soon, Spider-Man, you shall face the greatest [[horrors]] this universe has to offer.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

=== ''E10 - The Gauntlet of the Red Skull'' ===
[[File:Anime_North_2017_Spider-Man_and_Blackcat_IMG_5018.jpg|thumb|Why do you always think you're the only one who's important? I left two young heroes back on Earth who need me too. Do you think it was fair to them to snatch me away just to hold your hand, Spider? Won't you ever grow up?]]
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Spider-Man:''' Cat, you really have to hear us out.
:'''Black Cat:''' Talk fast and then we'll see how angry I still am.


:'''Black Cat:''' Let me get this straight, Spider. You brought me to this planet without my permission and now you want me to go on a suicide run? I just wish somebody had the courage to ask me first.


:'''Spider-Man:''' Cat! I hope you're still not angry with me
:'''Black Cat:''' I certainly am.
:'''Spider-Man:''' I'm sorry. Look, I didn't bring you here so we could fight.
:'''Black Cat:''' What did you bring me here?
:'''Spider-Man:''' I needed your support, Cat. You know how I think. You know how I like to operate. You and I work like a team. I just thought..
:'''Black Cat:''' That I'd make you feel better? Why do you always think you're the only one who's important? I left two young heroes back on Earth who need me too. Do you think it was fair to them to snatch me away just to hold your hand, Spider? Won't you ever grow up?
:'''Spider-Man:''' Well, we're certainly off to a wonderful start.


:'''Captain America:''' If it gets any worse it might be wise for us to turn back.
:'''Spider-Man:''' That's not an option. We keep moving. (''to himself'') You almost sound like you know what you're doing. Fact is, Mo probably does a better job of leading the three stooges.


:'''Spider-Man:''' Me and my big mouth, why didn't you just set 'em up on a date, Spidey? What am I feeling here? You need to keep your head in the game, Parker. You're leading a side in a war. If I screw it up, we're all feeling the heat.


:'''Spider-Man:''' I'm sorry. I know how much you both wanted the Red Skull.
:'''Captain America:''' Getting our cat back was much more important, to all of us.


:'''Spider-Man:''' Cat, I'm sorry, that I brought you here against your will.
:'''Black Cat:''' I'm not.
:'''Spider-Man:''' You're not?
:'''Black Cat:''' I mean, I was really angry, and yet here I am fighting along side of the greatest heroes of all time.
:'''Spider-Man:''' Yeah, Cap really is one great...
:'''Black Cat:''' I wasn't talking about Cap. You, Spider. And don't sell yourself so short. You're as good a hero as any. And you make for quite a competent leader. You've gotten us all this far. So trust me, I wouldn't want to miss sharing this action with you for all the world. Thank you.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

=== ''E11 - Doom'' ===
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

=== ''E12 - I Really, Really Hate Clones'' ===
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Spider-Man:''' This is starting to sound like a bad comic book plot! 


:'''Kingpin''': ''(to Smythe, regarding Spider-Carnage)'' Keep an eye on him. He's a powerful ally, but I see an evil in him far greater than anyone I've ever met.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

=== ''E13 - Farewell, Spider-Man '' ===
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:''(After the Kingpin finally learns of Spider-Carnage's plan to destroy all of reality)''
:'''Kingpin''': Why would you do this?!
:'''Spider-Carnage''': Ever since that spider bit me, the world has misunderstood me and tormented me! Now it's my turn. I'm gonna OBLITERATE YOU ALL!!!


:'''Spider-Man:''' How did you know the Peter Parker downstairs wasn't me?
:'''Gwen Stacy:''' He's nutty as a fruitcake! A girlfriend notices little things like that.
:'''Spider-Man:''' You don't know the half of it. 


:'''Spider-Man''': You can't do something this horrible! It just isn't in you - because it isn't in me. And you ''are'' me.
:'''Spider-Carnage''': I'm more &quot;you&quot; than you'd ever admit!


:'''Stan Lee:''' Who is that exotic lady?
:'''Spider-Man:''' Oh, her? She's my ride.


:'''Madame Web:''' Face front, true believer. We are going to find Mary Jane Watson. 
:'''Spider-Man:''' What?
:'''Madame Web:''' It has been a long, hard journey. But you have prevailed. And I'd say you've more than earned your reward.
:'''Spider-Man:''' Amen to that, lady. Amen to that.  

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

==About ''{{PAGENAME}}''==

[[File:SDCC_2011_-_Kingpin_%285973073821%29.jpg|thumb|I never intended for him to be so prominent in my series, but as the story arcs got developed, we needed a mastermind quietly manipulating things behind the scenes and he seemed the perfect choice. Also, he doesn't really have any interesting ability to speak of (okay, he's strong -- big deal), so if you're going to use him at all, it just makes sense to use him for his mind. He's like [[w:Professor Moriarty|Professor Moriarty]] in the [[Sherlock Holmes]] stories. He's constantly lurking invisibly behind the scenes, but his presence is always felt.]]
[[File:The_Spider-Man_Trio_%2814131526791%29.jpg|thumb|Sure, the supervillain fights are fun, but really it's the [[w:Soap-opera|soap-opera]] of Peter Parker's life that keep the audience invested in the character. Will Harry ever forgive him for stealing MJ? Will Felicia marry the Hobgoblin? Will Anna Watson ever get off his back? That's the good stuff.]]
[[File:Comikaze_2014_-_Amazing_Spider-Man_(15730000531)_(cropped).jpg|thumb|My goal with Spider-Man was to be make the very first screen treatment of the character that was absolutely true to the comic book. I also wanted to bring him to screen in a way that evoked the same sense of wonder and excitement that I felt when I first started reading the comic in the sixties, right when it all began. I also wanted the show to be a ratings hit, to not embarrass me, and to piss off all my detractors. I’m happy to say that I succeeded on all counts.]]
[[File:Stan_Lee_by_Gage_Skidmore_3.jpg|thumb|For me, the story was about an epic kind of coming-of-age of Peter Parker, and when he got to the point where he could turn to his creator and say, 'Well, I'm really not the guy you created anymore. I'm somebody else now. When he gets to that point, I kind of felt like the epic hero's journey was over for him.]]
*'''MAA''': You were uncredited for some of your work on ''The Six Forgotten Warriors'' storyline. What did you think to Electro becoming an all-powerful God in the show, as opposed to the underachieving supervillain in the comics? 
:'''Altbacker''': I thought it was a great idea and it came from a logical look at what Electro's powers would be in the modern day. That storyline was so much fun. [[Captain America]] and the [[w:Red Skull|Red Skull]], the old-time heroes, the Kingpin, Spidey in [[Moscow]]. It's all great and I'm glad I was a small part of it. I hear you can get bootlegs that string the entire thing together like a movie which is how John envisioned it from the beginning. 
:* Ernie Altbacker, [http://marvel.toonzone.net/spideytas/interviews/altbacker/ &quot;Ernie Altbacker Talks Spider-Man: The Animated Series&quot;], ''Marvel Animation Age''.

* When he’s in Peter mode, I wanted to emphasize the [[youth]] and [[insecurity]] and [[wonder]]. When I was in Spider-Man mode, I wanted to emphasize the push back of the [[heroic]] nature and the [[will]] asserting itself to overcome these obstacles the character has.
** Christopher Daniel Barnes, [https://people.com/tv/spider-man-the-animated-series-team-remembers-the-show/ &quot;Spider-Man: The Animated Series Team Remembers the '90s Classic and Opens Up About the New Show That Will Reunite the Cast&quot;], ''People'', (May 19, 2016); as qtd in Jack Beresford, [https://screenrant.com/90s-spider-man-the-animated-series-facts-trivia/ &quot;18 Things You Didn't Know About Spider-Man: The Animated Series&quot;], (July 31, 2017).

* Spider-Man was different from other shows I worked on primarily because of the birthing pains. There were lots of people who had a say in what the show would be like, and none of them seemed to agree at the start. A draft of a script might please one of the producers, but then the network would hate it, and vice versa. There would be seemingly endless re-writes. Most shows have problems like this at the beginning, but this was the most extreme instance I've seen. And it was a bit of a surprise, too, because the comic was so explicit; you'd think that everybody would know exactly what the show should be, down to the smallest detail, based on the template that Stan Lee had laid out years earlier in the comics. But if it hadn't been John Semper's considerable diplomatic skills, the show might still be in pre-production.
* The character that stood out most to me was Jameson. His hatred for Peter and Spidey was so pathological; I eventually came to the conclusion that Stan was trying to say something about [[anti-Semitism]] -- which wasn't just confined to Germany when Stan was growing up. Obviously, that's all subtext, but it explains a lot of things.
* Everybody -- producers, network, writers, artists had a different conception of the Venom story; it took a half-day-long meeting with everyone -- Avi, Stan, the network rep, the supervising producer (Bob Richardson), John and me, before a storyline could be settled upon -- and that was just for the first half hour of the three-parter. 
:* [[w:Stan Berkowitz|Stan Berkowitz]], [http://marvel.toonzone.net/spideytas/interviews/berkowitz/ &quot;Stan Berkowitz Discusses His Work On Spider-Man: The Animated Series&quot;], ''Marvel Animation Age''.

* I remember on Kraven that first season that Avi and Sidney really wanted some advanced stuff in there quoting of Russian poets and things and I think that ended up staying in. I just wondered why the biggest hunter in the world was named Kraven which, of course, means cowardly.
* BS &amp; P, as they're affectionately known to writers, can make some things literally impossible. And most people outside the industry don't know what power they have. For example, I get some fans who ask why we didn't do this or didn't do that. As much as I wish they would, it's EXTREMELY rare for a large entertainment conglomerate to give 15-20 million dollars to a writing team and say &quot;here's a pile of money and some comic books do whatever you want.&quot; To them, it's an investment. And BS &amp; P functions sometimes very autocratically to safeguard their investment. They want to prevent anyone from suing for anything. Their big bugaboo is imitatible acts. For example: why didn't we use Ghost Rider? Because we all, as writers, hated the character and are afraid of motorcycles? No, BS &amp; P forbade us from using a character that was ON FIRE. They were afraid little Johnny five-year-old might douse himself with lighter fluid, strike a match and ride his big wheel down the driveway shouting &quot;Lookie, I'm the Ghost Rider! I'm cool! I'm melting! Owie 'MOMMIE!'&quot; No joke, they worry about that stuff. I say: Darwin, but that's why I'm not a lawyer. Same with, initially, Daredevil one of my favorite characters. &quot;We can't have Satan on our cartoon show&quot; they said. We had to explain that he's not THE devil, he's a DAREdevil. Well, he has little horns. Can you take off the little horns? Can you make them look more like ears? He's got those red, evil eyes.&quot; It's stuff like that that makes you want to pack-up your laptop, move to a cabin deep in the woods and write thousand-page manifestos against the &quot;moronic imbeciles.&quot;
* I think the fact that it's still playing in syndication and that the videos are still selling after all these years shows how well it was done. Those stories hold up very well because of their intricacies and the series as a whole holds up because it lets you imagine yourself with Spider-Man's kind of problems: I've got school and a girl and some homework but I have to save the world!
:* Mark Hoffmeier, [http://marvel.toonzone.net/spideytas/interviews/hoffmeier/ &quot;Mark Hoffmeier Talks Spider-Man: The Animated Series&quot;], ''Marvel Animation Age''.

* Sure, the supervillain fights are fun, but really it's the [[w:Soap-opera|soap-opera]] of Peter Parker's life that keep the audience invested in the character. Will Harry ever forgive him for stealing MJ? Will Felicia marry the Hobgoblin? Will Anna Watson ever get off his back? That's the good stuff. 
* As for Hydro Man, it was a long time ago, but I think we weren't allowed to use Sandman, because he was going to be the villain in the Jim Cameron Spider-Man movie that never happened. So, John just substituted Hydro-Man. I kind of hoped the fact that he went to prom with Mary Jane made him slightly more interesting. (Total aside: Hydro-Man has Mary Jane meet her at the Hotel Seville, which was where I lived when I went to NYU. Now you know.)  &lt;br&gt; And the Spot? Well, I think we introduced him just to make an excuse for those interdimensional portals we used over and over again in lieu of killing people. He was such a silly character, that the only thing I remember about writing that was trying to jam as many puns off the word spot into the script. 
* I think Stan Berkowitz and I just wrote it as though Cletus Kassidy was a serial killer and just never mentioned what he was wanted for. The cops certainly acted like he was a serial killer, they just didn't specifically say, &quot;Boy, that Kassidy is one bad serial killer.&quot;
:* Jim Krieg, [http://marvel.toonzone.net/spideytas/interviews/krieg/ &quot;Jim Krieg Talks Spider-Man: The Animated Series&quot;], ''Marvel Animation Age''.

* Stan's concept for Spider-Man was more reality based than the Batman material with a real student, quite poor and down on his luck, living with his Aunt in a real city � New York. It grounds this character so well with a contemporary audience, that when he goes through this life changing event of accidentally acquiring superpowers, the audience can relate to him even in this extraordinary circumstance. In theory, it could even happen to them. Even the super villains are more interesting, when they are placed in a realistic city environment. So this was the key to the direction we would take in developing the style of the show.  &lt;br&gt; Spider-Man would be designed to be more realistic than Batman and in an environment that was more authentic and as contemporary as possible. Consequently, it was a lot harder to achieve, because doing reality in animation on TV budgets is no easy problem. The drawing and design skill as well as the animation expertise is very demanding with less room for error. We also did quite a bit of research to make sure that New York City was as accurate as we could make it. 
** Bob Richardson, [http://marvel.toonzone.net/spideytas/interviews/richardson/ &quot;Bob Richardson Talks Spider-Man: The Animated Series&quot;], ''Marvel Animation Age''.

* By the time Spidey came on, there was a LOT of censorship at Fox. They were having whole countries like Canada ban some of their shows (Power Rangers, for instance) and they were very nervous about violence. When I watch the older episodes of Batman that first aired on Fox, they do all kinds of things that we couldn't do. By the time Spidey came on, Fox wouldn't let us do anything like that. No fists to the face, no realistic guns, no fire, no crashing through glass, no children in peril, no mention of the words death, die, or kill.&quot;
** John Semper, [http://drg4.dancemania-ex.com/semper.html &quot;Interview With John Semper&quot;], ''DRG4''; as qtd in Jack Beresford, [https://screenrant.com/90s-spider-man-the-animated-series-facts-trivia/ &quot;18 Things You Didn't Know About Spider-Man: The Animated Series&quot;], (July 31, 2017).

* Spider-Man was doubly hard because of all the pressure in the beginning. Not only is the character a flagship one for Marvel, but there was that pending Jim Cameron movie hovering over us. Also, Fox was the number one kids' network and they wanted nothing less than a huge hit. The result: the stakes were so high that everybody was already at each other's throats by the time I signed on. The political atmosphere was very tense. 
* Mary Jane was never the real issue in Peter's life. Peter's [[insecurities]] were. And once those are fixed his [[problems]], as a [[character]], and as a [[hero]] in the [[Joseph Campbell]] tradition, are over.
:* John Semper, [http://drg4.dancemania-ex.com/semper.html &quot;Interview With John Semper&quot;], ''DRG4''

* I knew that we were finished with 65 episodes, but I thought maybe we'd have a little bit longer. I thought I made it very clear at at the very end that he was going to get to Mary Jane. I was leaving that door open in case by some miracle they said we were going to do a few more.
** John Semper in [https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/heat-vision/spider-man-animated-series-cast-745604 &quot;'Spider-Man: The Animated Series' Cast Reunites and Reveals New Project&quot;], ''Hollywood Reporter'', Aaron Couch, (November 01, 2014); as qtd in Jack Beresford, [https://screenrant.com/90s-spider-man-the-animated-series-facts-trivia/ &quot;18 Things You Didn't Know About Spider-Man: The Animated Series&quot;], (July 31, 2017). 

* I didn't know if I'd last long enough on the series to actually do it. And the way we did it, with the whole John Hardeski thing, didn't really occur to me until much later. That whole sub-plot that linked her to Captain America and the Super Soldier Serum was completely my idea and I'm damned proud of it. &lt;br&gt; I always though that having somebody project 'bad luck' on somebody else as a 'super power' the Black Cat's super-power in the comic books, was ridiculous. Doing the Super Soldier Serum thing got us into a much deeper, richer storyline, which is what I had to do to keep the series unpredictable and interesting.
** John Semper, [http://marvel.toonzone.net/spideytas/interviews/semperbc/ &quot;John Semper Talks Black Cat From Spider-Man: The Animated Series&quot;], ''Marvel Animation Age''.

*  I always prefer story arcs and I think individual half-hour stories are dull and predictable. I originally had planned a season-long story arc for season one, but I was prohibited from doing it because others had agendas that needed to be served first. Toys needed to be featured (those hideous Spider-Slayers), certain characters needed to be rolled out and introduced (the boring Hobgoblin) and so, in season one, I was limited in the things that I could do. When season two began, I had total control over the storylines and as far as I'm concerned, that's when the real fun of the series gets going. 
* For me the real fun of Spider-Man is the soap opera that goes on in Peter Parker's real life. The villains are mostly interchangeable. There really isn't much difference between Sandman and Hydro-Man when you get right down to it.
* I can still see the light in Avi Arad's eyes every time he said the words &quot;Spidahhh-Slayahhhh!&quot; It still haunts me in my nightmares. 
* The Kingpin was a major villain in Spider-Man during the 'sixties when I first became a fan of the comics. I never intended for him to be so prominent in my series, but as the story arcs got developed, we needed a mastermind quietly manipulating things behind the scenes and he seemed the perfect choice. Also, he doesn't really have any interesting ability to speak of (okay, he's strong -- big deal), so if you're going to use him at all, it just makes sense to use him for his mind. He's like Professor Moriarty in the Sherlock Holmes stories. He's constantly lurking invisibly behind the scenes, but his presence is always felt.
:* John Semper, [http://marvel.toonzone.net/spideytas/interviews/semper2/ &quot;John Semper Talks Spider-Man: The Animated Series&quot;], ''Marveltoonzone.net''

* The show was intended by [[w:Avi Arad|Avi Arad]] from the ground up to be one big [[toy]] [[commercial]]. At first, I had to battle against that and things between us were very tense. At one point I was almost fired. Eventually he and I found common ground and he realized that a great show would sell toys better than anything, and I really wanted to make a great show. So we had fewer confrontations. But, from his point of view, it was still one big toy commercial. &lt;br&gt;  The toy line definitely affected me. It was common for me to get a phone call from Avi’s people asking me to use a certain character because they were going to make a toy out of him. But they were nice about it, and, I’m actually fairly accommodating, so we always managed to work it out. &lt;br&gt; And I also affected the toy line. Avi was dead set against using Madame Web, but I insisted because I saw a place for her in my big final story line. So, despite his mumblings and mutterings about how he couldn’t make a boy-friendly toy out of a &quot;lousy old broad&quot;, I used her with great success. And, guess what? They made a toy out of her! It’s one of my most prized possessions. 
* My goal with Spider-Man was to be make the very first screen treatment of the character that was absolutely true to the comic book. I also wanted to bring him to screen in a way that evoked the same sense of wonder and excitement that I felt when I first started reading the comic in the sixties, right when it all began. I also wanted the show to be a ratings hit, to not embarrass me, and to piss off all my detractors. I’m happy to say that I succeeded on all counts.
:* John Semper, [http://marvel.toonzone.net/spideytas/interviews/semper10/ &quot;John Semper Discusses The 10th Anniversary of Spider-Man: The Animated Series&quot;], ''Marveltoonzone.net''.

* I felt very restricted by the half-hour format (which these days boils down to only 22 minutes of ACTUAL screen time) and I had always wanted to play around with something longer. In the sixties, when I first became a hard-core Spider-Man fan, part of the charm of the series was that the stories went on forever. Stan Lee was the first to do a &quot;longform&quot; comic book with a continuing story line, and I wanted to do for Saturday morning TV exactly what Stan did for comics in the sixties. Everybody was vehemently opposed to the idea (network, studio, etc), but I just did it anyway. I had to wait until the second batch of thirteen episodes and then I did it when nobody was paying much attention. 
** John Semper, [http://marvel.toonzone.net/spideytas/interviews/sempervenom/ &quot;John Semper Talks Venom From Spider-Man: The Animated Series&quot;], ''Marvel Animation Age''.

* I think that the whole 'Green Goblin' saga was about as good as it got when Stan was writing the comic book series,&quot; said Semper. &quot;It was intriguing, surprising, dramatic, exciting -- everything I wanted my Spider-Man series to be. I remember reading the whole thing breathlessly when I was a kid. It was incredible. Why wouldn't I want to recreate that? I'm not a big believer in messing with something that's already 100% right. My ego isn't so big that I'd want to tinker with it and make it 'better.' God save us from all the 'creative visionaries' in this business who want to make things better.
* As it was, there were still plenty of unsold Hobgoblin toys on the shelves at Toys R Us that Christmas. Even with our two-part episode, nobody really liked the character that much.
* My favorite part is when, after Mary Jane's 'death,' Peter has his mask off and is standing on the bridge, thinking and looking down into the water,&quot; said Semper. &quot;It's almost a full minute or more of just interior monologue - more like Japanese anime than anything American. No corny action, no villains, nothing. When was the last time you saw that on Saturday morning TV, huh?&quot;
:* John Semper, [http://marvel.toonzone.net/spideytas/interviews/sempergoblin/ &quot;John Semper Talks Green Goblin From Spider-Man: The Animated Series&quot;], ''Marvel Animation Age''.

* For me, the story was about an epic kind of coming-of-age of Peter Parker, and when he got to the point where he could turn to his creator and say, 'Well, I'm really not the guy you created anymore. I'm somebody else now. When he gets to that point, I kind of felt like the epic hero's journey was over for him.
* Coming at it from an adult perspective, that, for me was, enough finality. I felt like I had done the whole hero's arc for Peter. But unfortunately, that's a very adult way of looking at things. And really, I momentarily forgot that I was catering to kids, and that they wanted to see if Peter got the girl. Yeah... so I left you all with a horrible feeling of incompletion.
* I used to tell my writers, 'We're doing the Peter Parker show. We're not doing the Spider-Man show. Let's approach it from Peter's life. Spider-Man is just one of the many complications with his life.' And I think that's one of the reasons why the show is still resonating with people…it's not about explosions and superpowers and costumes.
:* John Semper in [https://www.syfy.com/syfywire/spider-man-the-animated-series-paved-the-way-for-into-the-spider-verse-and-the-mcu &quot;SPIDER-MAN: THE ANIMATED SERIES PAVED THE WAY FOR INTO THE SPIDER-VERSE AND THE MCU&quot;], Charles Moss, (Dec 26, 2018).

== External links ==
* [http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0112175/ Spider-Man: The Animated Series] at the [[w:Internet Movie Database|Internet Movie Database]] (IMDb)

{{wikipedia}}
[[Category:1990s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated action TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated drama TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated science fantasy TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated superhero TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Fox Kids shows]]
[[Category:Television programs based on comics]]
[[Category:Marvel Comics]]
[[Category:Animated Spider-Man TV shows]]
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    <title>The Great Mouse Detective</title>
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'''''[[w:The Great Mouse Detective|The Great Mouse Detective]]''''' is a [[w:1986 in film|1986]] Disney animated feature film based on [[w:Eve Titus|Eve Titus]]' stories. Young Olivia Flaversham is celebrating her birthday with her toymaker father Hiram. Suddenly, a bat with a broken wing and pegged leg bursts into the Flaversham's house, kidnapping Hiram. Olivia searches to find the famed detective Basil of Baker Street, but gets lost. A surgeon named Dr. Dawson stumbles upon Olivia and helps her find the Great Mouse Detective, who then sets out to find Olivia's father, and in the process stop the London crimelord Professor Ratigan from enacting his evil plan to take over Mousedom.

== Basil of Baker Street ==
* ''[of Ratigan]'' He's a genius, Dawson! A genius twisted for evil! The [[Napoleon]] of Crime! 

* Not a corner of London is safe while Ratigan is at large. There's no evil scheme he wouldn't concoct, no depravity he wouldn't commit! Who knows what dastardly scheme that that villain may be plotting even as we speak?

*''[to Olivia, trying to control his rage]'' Young lady, you are most definitely ''not'' accompanying us. '''AND THAT IS FINAL!''' ''[later, as they sneak out with Olivia]'' And not a word out of you. Is that clear?

* Remember, Dawson, we're low-life ruffians.

* There's always a chance, Doctor, as long as one can think.

* ''[in an almost friendly tone]'' Ratigan, no one can have a higher opinion of you than I have. ''[furiously]'' And I think that you're a slimy, contemptible sewer rat!

* ''[when setting off Ratigan's dastardly death trap]'' The angle of the trajectory multiplied by the square root of an isosceles triangle...''[mumbling]''...dividing Guttermeg's principle of opposing forces in motion ''[more mumbling]'' and adjusting for the difference in equilibrium... Dawson, at the exact moment I tell you, we must release the triggering mechanism! Get ready, Dawson, steady... now!
* Smile, everyone!

== Prof. Ratigan ==
* Poor Basil. Oh, he is in for a surprise!

* My friends! ''We'' are about to embark on the most ''odious'', the most ''evil'', the most diabolical scheme of my illustrious career! A crime to top all crimes, a crime that will live in infamy! ''[The henchmen cheered. Ratigan holds up a newspaper featuring the Queen's picture on the front page.]'' Tomorrow evening, our beloved monarch celebrates her Diamond Jubilee. And...with the enthusiastic help of our good friend, Mr. Flaversham... ''[The henchmen chuckle]'' it promises to be a night she will ''never'' forget! ''[burns her picture with his cigarette. The henchmen gasp in terror]'' Her last night...and ''my'' first, as supreme ruler of all mousedom! ''[The henchmen cheer.]''

* ''[Rubbing his head, irritated]'' How dare that idiot Basil poke his stupid nose into my wonderful scheme and foul up ''everything''!

* You don't know what a delightful dilemma it was, trying to decide on the most appropriate method for your demise. Oh, I had so many ingenious ideas I didn't know which to choose. So I decided to use them all. ''[the camera zooms out to show many various weapons aimed at the mousetrap]'' Marvelous, isn't it? Oh, ho, but, here, let me show you how it works. Picture this, first, a sprightly tune I've recorded especially for you. As the song plays, the cord tightens, and when the song ends, the metal ball is released, rolling along its merry way until... ''[gestures to mousetrap]'' Snap! ''[gestures to gun]'' Boom! ''[gestures to crossbow]'' Twang! ''[gestures to axe]'' Thunk! ''[gestures to anvil]'' SPLAT! And so ends the short, undistinguished career of Basil of Baker Street. 

* Now, you will remember to smile for the camera, won't you?

* Fidget, you ''delightful'' little maniac!

* Bravo, Basil! A marvelous performance. Though frankly, I expected you 15 minutes earlier. Trouble with the chemistry set, old boy?

* There's no escape ''this'' time, Basil!

* Stay where you are. Or the girl dies!

* Oh, I ''love'' it when I'm nasty.

*''[looks above the doorway to another barrel, where Fidget, the bat, is hanging from the faucet, sleeping]'' Fidget? ''[Fidget doesn't wake up, so Rattigan screams in his ear.]'' Fidget! ''[Startled, Fidget falls from his perch and rolls down the stairs at Rattigan's feet.]'' Bright and alert as always. ''[hands Fidget a list]'' Here's the list. You know what to do, and ''no mistakes!''

== The Queen ==
* ''(reading Ratigan's letter)'' &quot;To our beloved Queen, this gift we send, as her sixty-year reign.... comes to an end?&quot;

* Ah, I just adore Jubilees.

== Olivia ==
* ''[to Fidget]'' Stop! Lemme go! You ugly old thing! Help, lemme out! Lemme out!
* ''[after the fight's over with Fidget, door closes, and the cupboard door, Olivia was put in, creaks open with big mess.]'' Dad, where are you?! ''[goes to a window]'' Father... where are you?! Papa! ''[echoing noise]'' ''DADDY!''
* ''[to Ratigan]'' Just wait! Basil's smarter than you! He's going to put you in jail. ''[tugs on his tail to accent her next few insults.]'' He's not afraid of a big, old, ugly, rat like youǃ

== Dialogue ==
:'''Dawson''': ''[in voiceover]'' It was the eve of our good Queen's diamond jubilee, and the year her majesty's government came.... to the very brink of disaster. She- ''[chuckling]'' I'm getting ahead of myself! My name is Dr. David Q. Dawson, most recently of the Queen's 66th regiment. I had just arrived in London after lengthy service in Afghanistan, and was anxious to find a quiet place- preferably dry- where I could rest and find a little peace. Little did I know, that my life was about to change forever. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dawson''': Excuse me, is this the residence of Basil of Baker Street?
:'''Mrs. Judson''': ''[deep sigh]'' I'm afraid it is.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dawson''': Now, wait just a moment. How the deuce did you know I was a doctor?
:'''Basil''': A surgeon, to be exact. Just returned from military duty in Afghanistan. Am I right?
:'''Dawson''': Why, ha-ha, yes. Major David Q. Dawson. But how could you possibly--?
:'''Basil''': Quite simple, really. You've sewn your torn cuff together with a Lambert stich, which, of course, only a surgeon uses. And the thread is a unique form of cat-gut, easily distinguished by its ''peculiar'' pungency, found only in the Afghan provinces.
:'''Dawson''': Amazing!
:'''Basil''': Actually, it's elementary, my dear Dawson.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dawson''': ''[to Olivia]'' The scoundrel's quite gone.
:'''Basil''': Ah, but not for long, Miss Flamhammer!
:'''Olivia''': Flaversham!
:'''Basil''': Whatever.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kanga''': Excuse me. Might I be of some assistance? Are you lost, little one? Are you hungry? I'm starved. [Kanga begins to wrap his coils around a hypnotized Rabbit.]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Basil''': Now, hurry along, Dawson! We must be off to Toby's.
:'''Dawson''': Toby's?
:'''Basil''': Oh, you must meet him, he's just the chap for this.
:'''Dawson''': You- You want me to come?
:'''Basil''': Hah! I should think a stout-hearted army mouse like you would surely leap at the chance for adventure!
:'''Dawson''': ''[chuckles]'' Well, I ''am'' rather curious.
:'''Olivia''': Wait for me! I'm coming, too! ''[her hat and scarf knocks over Basil's violin in the process. He dives down to catch it]''
:'''Basil''': What?! Certainly not! ''[sets the violin back on the chair]'' This is no business for children.
:'''Olivia''': Are we going to take a cab?
:'''Basil''': ''[puts his hand on his forehead with a sigh as Olivia puts several crumpets into her pocket]'' My dear, I don't think you understand. It will be quite dangerous. ''[sits on his violin, snapping it in two]'' Why you-! Look what- ''[restrains himself]'' Young lady, you are most definitely ''not'' accompanying us! AND THAT IS FINALǃ
:''[Later, as they sneak out into Sherlock Holmes' house, with Olivia right beside them]''
:'''Basil''': And not a word out of you. Is that clear?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Hiram is programming the robot; Ratigan arrives from the shadows]''
:'''Ratigan''': ''[chuckles evilly]'' Quite an ingenious scheme, eh, Flaversham? And aren't you proud to be a part of it?
:'''Hiram''': This whole thing, i-i-i-it's monstrous!
:'''Ratigan''': We will have our little device ready by tomorrow evening, won't we? ''[holds up his bell]'' You know what happens if you... fail.
:'''Hiram''': ''[angry]'' I don't care!
:''[Flaversham pulls the levers of the robot, causing it go haywire until it falls apart and spatters a drop of oil onto Ratigan's jacket, which he wipes off with a handkerchief.]''
:'''Hiram''': You can do what you want with me. I won't be a part of this-this... this ''evil'' any longer!
:''[Pause]''
:'''Ratigan''': Oh, very well. If that is your decision. ''[noticed the wind-up doll Hiram Flaversham made for Olivia]'' Oh, by the way, I'm taking the liberty of having your daughter brought here. ''[he winds up the doll to let it dance]''
:'''Hiram''': ''[gasps]'' Olivia?
:'''Ratigan''': Yes. ''[he lets go of the wind-up doll to let it dance]'' Yes. I would spend many a sleepless night if anything unfortunate were to befall her.
:'''Hiram''': ''[understands what Ratigan is saying]'' Y-You wouldn't!
:''[Ratigan picks up the wind-up doll and squeezes it so hard, its head pops off.]''
:'''Ratigan''': ''[after a tense silence, then screams bloody murder]'' '''FINISH IT, FLAVERSHAM!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Henchmen''': ''[singing]'' Oh, Ratigan! Oh, Ratigan! You're tops, and that's that! To Ratigan! To Ratigan!
:'''Bartholomew''': ''[drunkly singing]'' To Rattigan, the world's greatest rat! ''[hiccups]''
:''[Ratigan spits out a mouthful of wine in shock, gasping. The henchmen turn around, gasping in terror.]''
:'''Ratigan''': WHAT WAS ''[turns to Bartholomew]'' ''THAT?!'' What did you call me?!
:'''Henchman #1''': Oh, he didn't mean it, professor!
:'''Bill the Lizard''': It was just a slip of the tongue!
:'''Ratigan''': ''[seizing Bartholomew]'' '''I AM ''NOT'' A RAT!!!'''
:'''Henchman #2''': 'Course you're not. You're a mouse!
:'''Henchman #1''': Yeah, that's right. A mouse!
:'''Bill the Lizard''': Yeah, a big mouse!
:'''Ratigan''': '''SILENCE!!'''
:''[Ratigan throws Bartholomew out of the hideout.]''
:'''Ratigan''': Oh, my dear Bartholomew. I'm afraid you've gone and upset me. ''[Pulls a small bell out of his pocket]'' You know what happens when someone upsets me...
:''[The henchmen watch from the door, frightened as Ratigan rings the bell. They then look up and gasp in terror. Felicia, Ratigan's pet cat, hears the ringing of the bell and slowly walks up to Bartholomew]''
:'''Bartholomew''': ''[drunkly singing]'' Oh, Ratigan. Oh, Ratigan. You're the tops, and that's that. ''[hiccups]'' Whoops, dear. To Ratigan. To Ratigan. To Ratigan, the world's greatest-
:''[The henchmen tremble and gasp in fear as they see Bartholomew being eaten, while Ratigan nonchalantly smokes and watches. A gulp is heard. The henchmen quietly mourn their lost friend with two removing their hats and placing them over their hearts and one shedding a tear]''
:'''Ratigan''': ''[hugging Felicia]'' Oh, Felicia, my precious, my baby. ''[Fatherly]'' Did Daddy's little honey-bun enjoy her tasty treat?
:''[Felicia burps. Ratigan's smile slowly collapses into a look of slight dismay. He soon regains his smile and turns back to his henchmen]''
:'''Ratigan''': I trust that there will be no further interruptions.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Basil''': ''[after Toby has picked up Fidget's scent]'' Miss Flamchester!
:'''Olivia and Dawson''': Flaversham!
:'''Basil''': Whatever. ''[hooks up Toby's leash]'' Your father is as good as found.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ratigan''': Ah, the uniforms! Oh, Fidget, I knew I could rely on you. Now, you didn't forget anything?
:'''Fidget''': No problem. I took care of everything. Everything on the list. ''[tries to display the list, but finds it's not there]'' Uh oh.
:'''Ratigan''': What's wrong?
:'''Fidget''': ''[searching himself, to no avail]'' The list, but I knew I had it!
:'''Ratigan''': Where's the list?
:'''Fidget''': Well, you see, it was.... It was like this; ''[reenacting]'' I was in the toy store, getting the uniforms, when I heard a 'Aroo! Aroo!'
:'''Ratigan''': ''[irritated]'' You're not coming through.
:'''Fidget''': ''[reenacting still]'' A dog came. I ran I had a baby bonnet, girl in the bag, and Basil chased me!
:'''Ratigan''': ''[shocked]'' What? '''BASIL ON THE CASE?!''' ''[furious]'' '''''WHY, YOU GIBBERING LITTLE--!''''' ''[groans as he holds his anger in and looks as if he's about to explode, then calms down and picks Fidget up]'' Oh, my dear Fidget. You have been hanging upside down too long.
:'''Fidget''': You mean, you're not mad? I'm glad you're taking it so well.
:''[Ratigan takes Fidget behind a wall. A bell is heard ringing and screaming soon follows. Cut to Felicia holding a struggling Fidget in her paw, about to eat him]''
:'''Fidget''': Not me, you idiot! No, stop, you stupid furball! ''[He breaks free, but Felicia catches him and stuffs him into her mouth]'' Open up! Open up! Oh! Ay! Ah! Ooh! You're hurting my wing!
:'''Ratigan''': How dare that idiot Basil pokes his stupid nose into my wonderful scheme and foul up everything!
:'''Fidget''': ''[inside Felicia's mouth]'' Let me out! Let me out! ''[opens Felicia's mouth and still struggling for help]'' Help! ''[Felicia puts Fidget backs in her mouth with her finger]''
:'''Ratigan''': Oh, I can just see that insufferable grin on his smug face! ''[realizes something]'' Yes. Yes, I can just see it. Felicia, release him.
:'''Fidget''': ''[inside Felicia's mouth]'' I'm too young to die!
:''[Felicia sulks for a moment, then spits out a battered Fidget]''
:'''Ratigan''': ''[holding Fidget up by his cheeks]'' Fidget, you delightful little maniac. You've presented me with a singular opportunity. ''[drops Fidget, feigning a look of concern]'' Poor Basil. Oh, he's in for a little surprise.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Basil''': ''[enraged]'' Ratigan, so help me.... ''[screams bloody murder]'' ....I'LL SEE YOU BEHIND BARS YET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:'''Ratigan''': ''[also enraged]'' You fool! Isn't it clear to you? The superior mind has triumphed! I've won! ''[He, Fidget, and the rest of their posse start laughing at Basil. Basil steels himself against the jeering and pointing, but after a few moments, he slumps, defeated and broken-hearted, and hangs his head as the cruel laughter continues and Ratigan points at him]'' Ooh, I love it, I love it, I love it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Both Basil and Dawson are trapped by Ratigan, about to be mousetrapped, shot by a gun and arrow, chopped in half, and then crushed by an anvil, and Ratigan has just left for Buckingham Palace]''
:'''Dawson''': Basil?
:'''Basil''': ''[groans]''
:'''Dawson''': Basil?!
:'''Basil''': Oh, how could I have been so blind?
:'''Dawson''': Well, we all make mistakes, but we can't let that stop us. We have to.
:'''Basil''': Ratigan's proved he's more clever than I. He never would have walked into such an obvious trap.
:'''Dawson''': Oh, pull yourself together. You can stop that villain.
:''[The record begins to skip over Ratigan's continued 'So Long' with repeating the song: &quot;Goodbye So Soon&quot;.]''
:'''Dawson''': Basil, the record!
:'''Basil''': It's finally happened! I've been outwitted!
:'''Dawson''': Basil, please!
:'''Basil''': Beaten! Duped! Made a fool of! So ridiculed and belittled!
:'''Dawson''':  ''[finally loses his temper]'' That'e enough! ''[The record resumes playing, startling Dawson.]'' Dash it all, Basil. The Queen's in danger. Olivia's counting on us. We're about to be horribly splattered, and all you can do is lie there feeling sorry for yourself. I know you can save us, but if you've given up, then why don't we just set it off now and be done with it?!
:'''Basil''': ''[weak chuckle]'' Set it off now. ''[slight pause, as his eyes go wide, and he realizes something]'' Set it.... off.... now? ''[suddenly regains his old confidence]'' Yes, ha-ha-ha, yes, we'll set the trap off ''NOW!''
:'''Dawson''': Basil, wait. I didn't mean we'd--
:''[The marble starts falling as the record's done.]''
:'''Basil''': Angle of the trajectory, multiplied by the square root of an isosceles triangle.... ''[mutters]'' ....dividing Guttermeg's principle of opposing forces in motion, ''[continues to mutters]'' and adjusting for the difference in equilibrium.... ''[all this while the marble has been rolling closer and closer to their demise]'' Dawson, at the '''exact''' moment I tell you, we must release the triggering mechanism. Get ready Dawson, steady.... now!
:''[Dawson screams and the trigger is released, but the bar traps the marble precisely, stopping the bar. A spring pops off, hits the gun which misfires into the crossbow. The bow is offset, hitting the axehead off and causing it to chop the mousetrap in half, freeing the two. Finally, the anvil crashes down, burying the axe, shaking the ground, and causing Olivia's bottle to shake and pop her out. Basil then whips off his disguise, and puts his detective outfit back on.]''
:'''Basil''': ''[very much better]'' Thank you, Dawson. ''[catches Olivia]'' Smile everyone!
:''[Their pictures are taken]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[At Buckingham Palace, the Mouse queen is preparing for her speech. Outside, the two guards at the door are knocked out by Rattigan's henchmen, dressed as the guards]''
:'''Henchman 1''': ''[As the other henchmen moves the box to the door]'' Psst! Over here. Come on. Over here.
:''[They knock on the door]''
:'''The Mouse Queen''': Come in.
:'''Henchman 2''': Uh, begging your Majesty's pardon? A present has just arrived in honor of your jubilee.
:'''The Mouse Queen''': A present? Oh, how wonderful! Oh, I just adore jubilees.
:'''Fidget''': ''[Hands the queen a note]'' Here you are, sweetheart.
:'''The Mouse Queen''': Have you been with us long? ''(reads the note sent with the present)'' &quot;To our beloved Queen, this gift we send as her 60 year reign...&quot; (she becomes confused at the last words)  &quot;...comes to an end&quot;?
:''[Fidget and the henchmen open the box to reveal an exact duplicate of the Queen.]''
:'''The Mouse Queen''': How interesting.
:''[The Robot Queen activates and chases the real Queen around the room.]''
:'''The Mouse Queen''': Good gracious!
:''[The Robot Queen stops. We see Ratigan at the door with Hiram Flaversham at the controls]''
:'''Ratigan''': Amazing likeness, isn't it, Your Majesty?
:'''The Mouse Queen''': Professor Ratigan! ''[To Ratigan's henchmen]'' Guards! Seize this despicable creature!
:''[Fidget and the henchmen do nothing except grin. Ratigan takes control of the Robot Queen]''
:'''Ratigan''': ''[As the Queen]'' Guards, seize this despicable creature.
:''[Ratigan cackles into the reciever while Fidget and the henchmen seize the Queen]''
:'''The Mouse Queen''': How dare you!
:'''Ratigan''': Take her away. ''[Rings his bell, dooming the Queen to be a meal for Felicia]''
:'''The Mouse Queen''': Let go of me, you ruffians!
:'''Fidget''': Move along, honey!
:'''The Mouse Queen''': You fiends! ''[crying]'' Traitors!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ratigan reads an extremely long list of laws he intends to pass as the Queen's Royal Consort]''
:'''Ratigan''': Item 96: ''[chuckles]'' A heavy tax shall be levied against all parasites and spongers, such as the elderly, the infirm, and especially little children.
:'''Crippled Old Mouse''': That's ridiculous! You're insane!
:'''Ratigan''': Perhaps I haven't made myself clear.
:''[Ratigan grabs the crippled old mouse's crutch, jumps up on stage and snaps it in 2.]''
:'''Ratigan''': ''I'' have the power!
:'''Robot Queen''': Of course you do.
:'''Ratigan''': ''I'' am ''supreme!''
:'''Robot Queen''': Only you.
:'''Ratigan''': THIS IS MY KINGDOM! ''[laughs maniacally, then calms down]'' That is, of course, with your Highness's permission.
:''[The Robot Queen doesn't respond. Ratigan slaps it gently to get it going again]''
:'''Robot Queen''': Most assuredly.... you insidious ''fiend''!
:'''Ratigan''': ''[horrified]'' What?
:'''Robot Queen''': You're not my royal consort!
:'''Ratigan''': ''[to the crowd]'' What a sense of humor.
:'''Robot Queen''': You're a cheap fraud and impostor!
:'''Ratigan''': ''[aside]'' '''Flaversham!'''
:''[Cut to backstage, where we see Basil at the controls of the robot, Olivia and her father reunited and Fidget and the rest of Ratigan's minions tied up by Dawson and the real Queen]''
:'''Basil''': ''[controlling the Robot Queen]'' A corrupt, vicious, demented, lowlife scoundrel! There's no evil scheme you wouldn't concoct.
:''[The Robot Queen's head springs up and bites Ratigan on the nose. Ratigan tries in vain to keep the robot down]''
:'''Robot Queen''': No depravity you wouldn't commit. 
:''[The Robot Queen rapidly starts flailing and falling apart until little remains but a pile of scrap metal and a pair of eyes and a set of teeth on a spring.]''
:'''Basil''': ''[Controlling the Robot Queen]'' You, Professor....
:'''Robot Queen''': ''[as Ratigan starts to grow infuriated, seeing through the insults]'' ....are none other than a foul ''stenchus rodentus'', commonly known as a--!
:'''Ratigan''': '''DON'T SAY IT!!!'''
:'''Basil''': ''[reveals himself]'' '''''SEWER RAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Ratigan''': ''[screaming in anger upon hearing Basil]''
:'''Basil''': Arrest that fiend!
:''[Ratigan sees in horror that Basil is behind him]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Olivia''': ''[to Ratigan]'' Just wait! Basil's smarter than you! He's going to put you in jail. ''[tugs on his tail to accent her next few insults.]'' He's not afraid of a big, old, ugly, rat like youǃ
:'''Ratigan''': ''[being much stronger, easily takes his tail back.]'' Would you ''kindly'' sit down and '''SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fidget''': We have to lighten the load! ''[looks pointedly at Olivia]''
:'''Ratigan''': ''[mockingly]'' Ohh. You want to lighten the load? Excellent idea!
:''[Ratigan grabs Fidget and tosses him overboard]''
:'''Fidget''': ''[as he pitifully flutters in the air]'' No! Not me! Wait, I can't fly! I can't fly! ''[falls towards the river]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ratigan''': ''[After knocking Basil off the clock hand, seemingly to his death]'' I'VE WON!!!! AHAHAHAHA!!!!
:'''Basil''': On the contrary! The game's not over yet!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Olivia''': ''[hugs Basil]'' Goodbye, Basil. I'll never forget you.
:''[Basil smiles at Olivia and leans down and puts his hands on her shoulders]''
:'''Basil''': Nor I you, Miss--Miss Flangerhanger. ''[Olivia stares for a moment, then shakes her head, a smile on her face]''
:'''Dawson''': ''[chuckles]'' Whatever.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Dawson''': ''[closing lines in voiceover]'' From that time on, Basil and I were a close team, and over the years we had many cases together. But I shall always look back on that first with the most fondness: My introduction to Basil of Baker Street: ''The Great Mouse Detective.''

==Cast==
*[[w:Barrie Ingham|Barrie Ingham]] - Basil of Baker Street/Bartholomew
*[[w:Val Bettin|Val Bettin]] - Dr. David Q. Dawson/Thug Guard
*[[Vincent Price]] - Professor Rattigan
*[[w:Candy Candido|Candy Candido]] - Fidget the Bat
*[[w:Robie Lester|Robie Lester]] - Kanga/Rabbit
*[[w:Alan Young|Alan Young]] - Hiram Flaversham
*[[w:Susanne Pollatschek|Susanne Pollatschek]] - Olivia Flaversham
*[[w:Diana Chesney|Diana Chesney]] - Mrs. Judson

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title| id=0091149| title=The Great Mouse Detective}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes| id=adventures_of_the_great_mouse_detective| title=The Great Mouse Detective}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Great Mouse Detective, The}}
[[Category:1986 films]]
[[Category:1980s American animated films]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated films]]
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  <page>
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      <text bytes="61921" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Islamic-Architecture.jpg|thumb|Indeed, I am [[God]]. There is no [[deity]] except Me, so [[worship]] Me and establish [[prayer]] for My [[remembrance]]. Verily, [[Last_Judgment#Islam|the Hour]] is coming but I am about to make it manifest so that every [[soul]] may be [[rewarded]] as it [[strive|strives]]. So do not let one avert you from it who does not [[believe]] in it and follows his (low) [[desire]], for you (then) would [[perish]]. ~ [[Quran]]]]
[[File:Quran cover.jpg|thumb|This [[day]] have I [[perfected]] your religion for you, [[completed]] My [[favour]] upon you, and have [[chosen]] for you Islam as your [[religion]]. ~ [[Quran]]]]
'''[[w:Islam|Islam]]''' is an [[w:Abrahamic|Abrahamic]] [[Monotheism|monotheistic]] [[religion]] originating with [[Muhammad]] and centered on the religious text known as the ''[[Qur'an]]''. It is the [[w:major religious groups|world's second-largest religion]] and the fastest-growing major religion in the world, with an estimated 1.8 billion adherents (as of 2017), known as [[Muslim]]s. Linguistically, Islam means &quot;submission to God&quot;, referring to the total surrender of one's self to [[w:God in Islam|God]] (Arabic: [[Allah|الله, Allāh]]), and a [[w:Muslim|Muslim]] is &quot;one who submits to God&quot;.
__NOTOC__
{{TOCalpha|''[[#Quran|Quran]]''}}

== Quotes ==
[[File:Supplicating Pilgrim at Masjid Al Haram. Mecca, Saudi Arabia.jpg|thumb|right|And establish prayer and give obligatory [[charity]], and whatever [[good]] you put forward for [[yourselves]] - you will find it with [[Allah]]. Indeed, Allah is well [[Seeing]] of what you [[do]]. ~ [[Quran]]]]
[[File:Khidr.jpg|thumb|There are many interpretations of Islam within the wider Islamic community, but generally we are instructed to leave the [[world]] a better place than it was when we came into it. ~ [[Aga Khan IV‎‎]]]]
[[File:DSC00865-Пано копия копия.jpg|thumb|Islam appears to me like a perfect work of architecture. All its parts are harmoniously conceived to complement and support each other; nothing is superfluous and nothing lacking, with the result of an absolute balance and solid composure. ~ [[Muhammad Asad]]]]

===A===
* Islam is often seen as a monolith, when it is as diverse as any other tradition, with followers running the gamut from modernizers to traditionalists.  Some commentators talk as if the world of Islam was more or less identical with the Arab world -- whereas in fact a majority of Muslims are not native Arabic speakers.  The most populous Muslim countries are to be found in non-Arab Asia -- from Indonesia through South-East and South Asia to Central Asia, Iran, and Turkey, which of course is both in Asia and Europe.  There are many predominantly Muslim countries in sub-Saharan Africa, and large minorities of Muslims are to be found on every continent.
** [[Kofi Annan]] — [https://www.un.org/press/en/2004/sgsm9637.doc.htm &quot;Secretary-General, addressing Headquarters Seminar on confronting Islamophobia, stresses importance of leadership, two-way integration, dialogue&quot;] (7 December 2004)

* Islam is a religion of success. Unlike Christianity, which has as its main image, in the West at least, a man dying in a devastating, disgraceful, helpless death… Muhammed was not an apparent failure. He was a dazzling success, politically as well as spiritually, and Islam went from strength to strength to strength. 
** [[Karen Armstrong]], [http://www.pbs.org/moyers/faithandreason/print/armstrong_print.html &quot;Bill Moyers Interviews Karen Armstrong on NOW&quot;], PBS, March 1, 2002.

* In the hours of its political degradation, Islam has achieved some of its most brilliant spiritual conquests: on two great historical occasions, infidel barbarians have set their feet on the necks of the followers of the Prophet, - the Saljūq Turks in the eleventh and the Mongols in the thirteenth century,- and in each case the conquerors have accepted the religion of the conquered. Unaided also by the temporal power, Muslim missionaries have carried their faith into Central Africa, China and the East India Islands.
** [[Thomas Walker Arnold]], [https://archive.org/details/preachingofislam00arno ''The Preaching of Islam: a History of the Propagation of the Muslim Faith''], 2nd ed. (London: Constable and Co. Ltd, 1913), p. 2.

* Islam appears to me like a perfect work of architecture. All its parts are harmoniously conceived to complement and support each other; nothing is superfluous and nothing lacking, with the result of an absolute balance and solid composure. Probably this feeling that everything in the teachings and postulates of Islam is &quot;in its proper place&quot; has created the strongest impression on me.
** [[Muhammad Asad]], [https://www.google.com/books/edition/_/KFI1YmKMDdkC?hl=en ''Islam at the Crossroads''], Preface to the first 1934 edition.

* Even before accepting the religion of the Arabs, the Turks were a great nation. After accepting the religion of the Arabs, this religion, didn't effect to combine the Arabs, the Persians and Egyptians with the Turks to constitute a nation. (This religion) rather, loosened the national nexus of Turkish nation, got national excitement numb. This was very natural. Because the purpose of the religion founded by Muhammad, over all nations, was to drag to an including Arab national politics.
** [[Mustafa Kemal Atatürk]], as quoted in ''Medenî Bilgiler ve M. Kemal Atatürk'ün El Yazıları'' [''Civics and M. Kemal Atatürk's Manuscripts''] (1998) by Afet İnan, p. 364

* Islam is a [[religion]] of continuous personal and {{w|societal reform}} through [[disciplined]] [[worship]].
** [[Mahmoud M. Ayoub]], {{cite book |title=Islam: Faith and History |date=2013 |publisher=Simon and Schuster |isbn=978-1-78074-452-0 |page=57 |url=https://books.google.com/books?id=Lhy9DwAAQBAJ&amp;pg=PT57}}

===B===
* It is the nature of Islam to dominate, not to be dominated, to impose its law on all nations and to extend its power to the entire planet.
** Attributed to [[Hassan Banna]] by [[Mitt Romney]] in ''[[w:No Apology|No Apology: The Case for American Greatness]]'' (March 2, 2010), [https://books.google.com/books?id=PDpBpo5CVB4C Page 67], and by the {{w|Jewish Virtual Library}} in ''[https://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/the-muslim-brotherhood Terrorism: Muslim Brotherhood]''.

* Islam has a total organization of life that is completely different from ours; it embraces simply everything. ... There is a very marked subordination of woman to man; there is a very tightly knit criminal law, indeed, a law regulating all areas of life, that is opposed to our modern ideas about society. One has to have a clear understanding that it is not simply a denomination that can be included in the free realm of a pluralistic society.
** [[Benedict XVI]], 1997 interview with German journalist Peter Seewald, quoted in [http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2006/sep/20/20060920-123849-8040r/ &quot;Tough-talking pope has history with Muslims, refuses to give in&quot;, ''The Washington Times'' (20 September 2006)].

* I often think that [[woman]] is more [[free]] in Islam than in [[Christianity]]. Woman is more [[protected]] by Islam than by the [[faith]] which preaches Monogamy. In Al-Quran the [[law]] about woman is more just and liberal. It is only in the last twenty years that Christian England, has recognized the right of woman to [[property]], while Islam has allowed this right from all times.
** [[Annie Besant]], ''The Life and Teachings of Muhammad'', Madras, 1932, pp. 25, 26.

* Islam, from among all religions, best suits the science discoveries and is the most ready to edify souls and force them to abide by justice, kindness and toleration.
** [[Gustave Le Bon]], ''The World of Islamic Civilization'' (''La Civilisation des Arabes'', 1884).

* Islam first came before the world as a doubly totalitarian system. It claimed to impose itself on the whole world and it claimed also, by the divinely appointed Muhammadan law, by the principles of the ''fiqh'', to regulate down to the smallest details the whole life of the Islamic community and of every individual believer. ... [T]he study of Muhammadan law (dry and forbidding though it may appear to those who confine themselves to the indispensable study of the ''fiqh'') is of great importance to the world today.
** {{W|Georges-Henri Bousquet}}, &quot;Islamic Law and Customary Law in French North Africa,&quot; ''Journal of Comparative Legislation and International Law'' (1950): 65. Fiqh

===C===
* At the heart of Islam is its preservation of an integral view of the Universe. Islam - like Buddhism and Hinduism - refuses to separate man and nature, religion and science, mind and matter, and has preserved a metaphysical and unified view of ourselves and the world around us.
** [[Charles, Prince of Wales]], [https://www.princeofwales.gov.uk/speech/speech-hrh-prince-wales-titled-islam-and-west-oxford-centre-islamic-studies-sheldonian Islam and the West] at the [[w:Oxford Centre for Islamic Studies|Oxford Centre for Islamic Studies]] (27 October 1993).

* There is in Islam a paradox which is perhaps a permanent menace. The great creed born in the desert creates a kind of ecstasy of the very emptiness of its own land, and even, one may say, out of the emptiness of its own theology... A void is made in the heart of Islam which has to be filled up again and again by a mere repetition of the revolution that founded it. There are no sacraments; the only thing that can happen is a sort of Armageddon, as unique as the end of the world; so the Armageddon can only be repeated and the world end again and again. There are no priests; and yet this equality can only breed a multitude if lawless prophets almost as numerous as priests. The very dogma that there is only one Mahomet produces an endless procession of Mahomets.
** [[G. K. Chesterton]], &quot;[http://www.gkc.org.uk/gkc/books/25795-h/25795-h.htmLord Kitchener]&quot;, (1917) p. 8

* How dreadful are the curses which Mohammedanism lays on its votaries! Besides the fanatical frenzy, which is as dangerous in a man as hydrophobia in a dog, there is this fearful fatalistic apathy. The effects are apparent in many countries. Improvident habits, slovenly systems of agriculture, sluggish methods of commerce, and insecurity of property exist wherever the followers of the Prophet rule or live. A degraded sensualism deprives this life of its grace and refinement; the next of its dignity and sanctity. The fact that in Mohammedan law every woman must belong to some man as his absolute property must delay the final extinction of slavery until the faith of Islam has ceased to be a great power among men. Individual Moslems may show splendid qualities. Thousands become the brave and loyal soldiers of the Queen; all know how to die; but the influence of the religion paralyses the social development of those who follow it. No stronger retrograde force exists in the world. Far from being moribund, Mohammedanism is a militant and proselytizing faith. It has already spread throughout Central Africa, raising fearless warriors at every step; and were it not that Christianity is sheltered in the strong arms of science the civilisation of modern Europe might fall, as fell the civilisation of ancient Rome.
** [[Winston Churchill]], ''The River War'' (1899), first edition, Vol. II, p. 248.

===D===
* It's almost impossible to say anything against Islam in this country, because you are accused of being racist or Islamophobic.
** [[Richard Dawkins]], 2008 comment quoted in [http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1301750/Fury-Richard-Dawkinss-burka-jibe-atheist-tells-revulsion-Muslim-dress.html &quot;Fury over Richard Dawkins's burka jibe as atheist tells of his 'visceral revulsion' at Muslim dress&quot;, ''Daily Mail'' (10 August 2010)]

* It's tempting to say all religions are bad, and I do say all religions are bad, but it's a worse temptation to say all religions are equally bad because they're not. If you look at the actual impact that different religions have on the world it's quite apparent that at present the most evil religion in the world has to be Islam. It's terribly important to modify that because of course that doesn't mean all Muslims are evil, very far from it. Individual Muslims suffer more from Islam than anyone else. They suffer from the homophobia, the misogyny, the joylessness which is preached by extreme Islam, Isis and the Iranian regime. So it is a major evil in the world, we do have to combat it, but we don't do what Trump did and say all Muslims should be shut out of the country. That's draconian, that's {{w|illiberal}}, inhumane and wicked. I am against Islam not least because of the unpleasant effects it has on the lives of Muslims.
** [[Richard Dawkins]], as quoted in [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/2017/06/11/richard-dawkins-religious-education-crucial-british-schoolchildren/ &quot;Richard Dawkins: religious education is crucial for British schoolchildren&quot;] by Sarah Knapton, ''The Telegraph'' (11 June 2017)

*[[Middle Ages|Medieval]] Islam was technologically advanced and open to innovation. It achieved far higher literacy rates than in contemporary Europe; it assimilated the legacy of classical Greek civilization to such a degree that many classical books are now known to us only through Arabic copies. It invented windmills, trigonometry, lateen sails and made major advances in [[metallurgy]], mechanical and chemical engineering and irrigation methods. In the middle-ages, the flow of technology was overwhelmingly from Islam to Europe rather from Europe to Islam. Only after the 1500s did the net direction of flow begin to reverse.&quot; 
** [[Jared Diamond]], a world-renowned UCLA sociologist, and physiologist, author of Pulitzer Prize-winning book &quot;Guns, Germs, and Steel.&quot;, p. 253.

===E===

*“These descriptions are very ugly, it is offensive and an insult to our religion. There is no moderate or immoderate Islam. Islam is Islam and that’s it.” 
**Recep Tayyip Erdoğan,  [https://www.theblaze.com/contributions/islam-what-lies-ahead-for-the-next-thousand-years]  [https://www.jewishpress.com/indepth/columns/fuchs-focus/islam/2015/01/14/]

* Islam cannot be either ‘moderate’ or ‘not moderate.’ Islam can only be one thing.
** [[Recep Tayyip Erdoğan]], as quoted in [http://www.hurriyetdailynews.com/erdogan-criticizes-saudi-crown-princes-moderate-islam-pledge-122262 &quot;Erdoğan criticizes Saudi Crown Prince’s ‘moderate Islam’ pledge&quot;] in ''hurriyetdailynews.com'' (November 9 2017)

* Islam stands in a long line of Semitic, prophetic religious traditions that share an uncompromising monotheism, and belief in God's revelation, His prophets, ethical responsibility and accountability, and the Day of Judgement. Indeed, Muslims, like Christians and Jews, are the Children of Abraham, since all trace their communities back to him. Islam's historic religious and political relationship to Christendom and Judaism has remained strong throughout history. This interaction has been the source of mutual benefit.
** [[John Esposito|John L. Esposito]], [https://www.google.com/books/edition/_/TALYAAAAMAAJ?hl=en''Islam, The Straight Path''], New York/Oxford: Oxford University Press (1st edition), 1988, pp. 3-4.

* [B]laming Islam is a simple answer, easier and less controversial than re-examining the core political issues and grievances that resonate in much of the Muslim world: the failures of many Muslim governments and societies, some aspects of U.S. foreign policy representing intervention and dominance, Western support for authoritarian regimes, the invasion and occupation of Iraq, or support for Israel's military battles with Hamas in Gaza and Hezbollah in Lebanon.
** [[John Esposito|John L. Esposito]], ''Who Speaks For Islam?: What a Billion Muslims Really Think'', p. 136-137.

===F===
* Neither the sword nor the work of an ecclesiastical order can account for Islam's continuous gains in new following. The phenomenon of growth, therefore, must be attributed in the last analysis to its powers of appeal and ability to meet the spiritual and material needs of peoples adhering to cultures totally alien to the founders, the desert Arabians, but at a level of religious and sociopolitical development familiar to them at the time of their conversion. Continued growth can be explained also in terms of Islam's willingness to tolerate views and practices stemming from alien cultural norms brought into Islam by the converts which a more rigid system of religion would not countenance. Flexibility at this, the crucial stage, of conversion is an important factor contributing to Islam's success. What would ordinarily be deemed heretical at the instance of conversion inevitably drifts or is lured towards orthodoxy. The spread of Islam into Southeast Asia and sub-Saharan Africa presents a vivid example of its dynamism while its ability to survive in areas once dominated by communism is a testimony to its remarkable resilience.
** {{W|Caesar E. Farah}}, ''Islam : beliefs and observances'', 7th ed - Barron’s  Ed. Series,  Inc - Woodbury - New York. 1968 - pp. 268-269.

*[Islam] is essentially an obstructive, intolerant system, supplying just sufficient good to stand in the way of greater good.  It has consecrated despotism; it has consecrated polygamy; it has consecrated slavery.  It has declared war against every other creed; it has claimed to be at least dominant in every land…  When it ceases to have an enemy to contend against, it sinks into sluggish stupidity…  It must have an enemy; if cut off, like Persia, from conflict with the infidel, it finds its substitute in sectarian hatred of brother Moslems… By [only] slightly reforming, it has perpetuated and sanctified all the evils of the eastern world. It has, by its aggressive tenets, brought them into more direct antagonism with the creed and civilization of the west.
** [[Edward Augustus Freeman]], &quot;The History And Conquests of the Saracens&quot;, Kessinger Publishing Co (2004),  ISBN 9781417948291, pp. 246-247

* I would never regard Islam with anything but horror and fear because it is fundamentally committed to conquering the world for Islam.
** [[Antony Flew]], ''Did the Resurrection Happen?: A Conversation with Gary Habermas and Antony Flew'' (2009), p. 88

===G===
* I wanted to know the best of one who holds today undisputed sway over the hearts of millions of mankind. … I became more than ever convinced that it was not the sword that won a place for Islam in those days in the scheme of life. It was the rigid simplicity, the utter self-effacement of the Prophet, the scrupulous regard for his pledges, his intense devotion to his friends and followers, his intrepidity, his fearlessness, his absolute trust in God and in his own mission. These and not the sword carried everything before them and surmounted every obstacle.
**[[Mahatma Gandhi]], published in ''[[w:Young India|Young India]]'', 1924. [http://www.gandhiserve.org/cwmg/VOL029.PDF ''Collected Works of Mahatma Gandhi''], vol. 29, &quot;My Jail experiences&quot;, p. 133.

* But Islam has yet a further service to render to the cause of humanity. It stands after all nearer to the real East than Europe does, and it possesses a magnificent tradition of interracial understanding and co-operation. No other society has such a record of success in uniting in an equality of status, of opportunity, and of endeavour so many and so various races of mankind. ... Islam has still the power to reconcile apparently irreconcilable elements of race and tradition If ever the opposition of the great societies of the East and the West is to be replaced by co-operation, the mediation of Islam is an indispensable condition. In its hands lies very largely the solution of the problem with which Europe is faced in its relations with the East. If they unite, the hope of a peaceful issue is immeasurably enhanced — but if Europe, by rejecting the co operation of Islam, throws it into the arms of its rivals, the issue can only be disastrous for both. 
** [[Hamilton Alexander Rosskeen Gibb]], [https://archive.org/details/in.ernet.dli.2015.217616 ''Whither Islam?: A Study of Modern Movements in the Muslem World''], Victor Gollancz Ltd, 1932, p. 379.

* 'I believe in 'One God and Muhammad is the Prophet of God,' is the simple and invariable profession of Islam. The intellectual image of the Deity has never been degraded by any visible idol; the honours of the Prophet of God have never transgressed the measure of human virtue, and his living precepts have restrained the gratitude of his disciples within the bounds of reason and religion.&quot; 
** [[Edward Gibbon]] and Simon Ocklay, ''History of the Saracen Empire'', London, 1870, p. 54.

* Purer than the system of Zoroaster, more liberal than the law of Moses, the religion of Muhammad might seem less inconsistent with reason than the creed of mystery and superstition which, in the seventh century, disgraced the simplicity of the gospels. 
** [[Edward Gibbon]], ''The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire'', vol. 5. p. 487.

* I like Islam, it is consistent [or consequential] idea of religion and open-minded.
** [[Kurt Gödel]], ''A Logical Journey: From Gödel to Philosophy'' by Hao Wang, p. 148, 1996.

===H===
* Islam has been built on five [pillars]: testifying that there is no deity worthy of worship except Allah and that Muhammad is the Messenger of Allah, establishing the salah (prayer), paying the zakat (obligatory charity), making the hajj (pilgrimage) to the House, and fasting in Ramadhan.
** [[Hadith]], {{w|Al-Nawawi's Forty Hadith|''An-Nawawi’s Forty Hadith''}}, [https://sunnah.com/nawawi40/3 40 Hadith Nawawi, Hadith 3].

* Mu’adh ibn Jabal reported: I was with the Prophet and we woke up one day and I said, “O Messenger of God, tell me about a deed that will enter me into Paradise and keep me away from the Fire.” The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said: You have asked about an enormous matter, yet it is easy for one whom God makes it easy. Worship God and do not associate anything with Him, establish the prayer, give the charity, fast the month of Ramadan, and perform pilgrimage to the House.
** Hadith Sunan At-Tirmidhi 2616 from [http://www.faithinallah.org/forty-hadith-nawawi/#sthash.KS1nEjaw.dpuf]

* In Mohammedanism the limited principle of the Jews is expanded into universality and thereby overcome. Here, God is no longer, as with the Asiatics, contemplated as existent in immediately sensuous mode but is apprehended as the one infinite sublime Power beyond all the multiplicity of the world. Mohammedanism is, therefore, in the strictest sense of the world, the religion of sublimity.
** [[Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel]], ''Philosophy of Mind'' (quoted by [[Slavoj Žižek]] in [http://www.lacan.com/zizarchives.htm A Glance into the Archives of Islam], Lacan dot com, 1997).

* Islam in its origins is just as shady and approximate as those from which it took its borrowings. It makes immense claims for itself, invokes prostrate submission or &quot;surrender&quot; as a maxim to its adherents, and demands deference and respect from nonbelievers into the bargain. There is nothing—absolutely nothing—in its teachings that can even begin to justify such arrogance and presumption.
** [[Christopher Hitchens]], ''[[God is Not Great|God is not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything]]'' (2007). See also a [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O5R_-0UO4fs video] of his reading and an [http://richarddawkins.net/article,928,Was-Muhammad-Epileptic,Christopher-Hitchens-Slate excerpt].

* You see, it's been our misfortune to have the wrong religion. Why didn't we have the religion of the Japanese, who regard sacrifice for the Fatherland as the highest good? The Mohammedan religion too would have been more compatible to us than Christianity. Why did it have to be Christianity with its meekness and flabbiness?
** Attributed to [[Adolf Hitler]], as quoted ''Inside the Third Reich : Memoirs'' by Albert Speer, p. 115.
* &quot;...It was in high school...My questions and doubts only multiplied as it became clear to me that the teachings of Islam were impossible to follow in everyday life. Do the faithful exercise free choice or their actions determined by divine will? This existential question tugged me constantly....It soon became clear to me no one could help me with my questions...&quot;
**[[Waleed Al-Husseini]] in [https://books.google.com/books?id=bzyCDwAAQBAJ&amp;lpg=PP1&amp;dq=%22The%20Right%20to%20Be%20an%20Ex-Muslim%22%20%22Ehsan%20Jami%22&amp;pg=PT13#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false The Blasphemer: The Price I Paid for Rejecting Islam, Arcade Publishing] 2015.

* &quot;...here lies the hypocrisy...although never call into question...they conceal extent of their thinking and the persecution they endured. All were hunted down, assassinated, hung or poisoned in the name of Islam. Why do we never learn this? Is Islam so fragile that it might crumble under the slightest criticism? Could God himself be afraid of words and debate?...&quot;   
**[[Waleed Al-Husseini]] in [https://books.google.com/books?id=bzyCDwAAQBAJ&amp;lpg=PP1&amp;dq=%22The%20Right%20to%20Be%20an%20Ex-Muslim%22%20%22Ehsan%20Jami%22&amp;pg=PT13#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false The Blasphemer: The Price I Paid for Rejecting Islam, Arcade Publishing] 2015.

===J===
* &quot;[[Religion of peace]]&quot; does not imply that Islam is a [[w:Islam and pacifism|paciﬁst religion]], that it rejects the use of [[Islam and violence|violence]] altogether, as either a [[moral]] or a [[metaphysical]] evil. &quot;Religion of peace&quot; connotes, rather, that Islam can countenance a state of permanent, peaceful coexistence with other [[nations]] and [[people]]s who are not Muslims...This position, I shall argue, is no more than the result of an objective application of principles of [[Islamic jurisprudence]] which no jurist or activist, medieval or modern, has claimed to reject.
** [[Sherman Jackson]], [https://lib.tcu.edu/staff/bellinger/rel-viol/Jackson_Jihad.pdf &quot;Jihad and the Modern World&quot;] (Spring–Summer 2002), ''Journal of Islamic Law and Culture''.

===K===
* Even a little knowledge of Islam will show that its religion is not only tolerant of other faiths, but most respectful, and, indeed, fully accepts the divine inspiration of all theistic faiths that came before Islam. It does not only teach tolerance to its followers, but goes a step further and enjoins on them all to create the godly quality of ''Hilm'', that is, tolerance, forbearance, patience, calmness, and forgiveness. It is due to the spirit of tolerance of Islam that even the smallest Christian and Jewish minorities survived and kept all their doctrines during the thousand years of Muslim rule. Nothing like what happened to Muslims in Spain after the Christian conquest has ever happened to a non-Muslim faith in any Islamic dominion.
** [[Aga Khan III]], ''Aga Khan III, Selected Speeches and Writings of Sir Sultan Muhammad Shah'', Edited by K.K. Aziz, Kegan Paul International, 1997, Vol II, pp 1282.

* There are many interpretations of Islam within the wider Islamic community, but generally we are instructed to leave the world a better place than it was when we came into it.
**[[Aga Khan IV‎‎]], in an interview with Robert Ivy (FAIA), in ''Architectural Record'' (31 August  2001).

* Islam is the religion of militant individuals who are committed to truth and justice. It is the religion of those who desire freedom and independence. It is the school of those who struggle against imperialism. But the servants of imperialism have presented Islam in a totally different light. They have created in men’s minds a false notion of Islam. The defective version of Islam, which they have presented in the religious teaching institution, is intended to deprive Islam of its vital, revolutionary aspect and to prevent Muslims from arousing themselves in order to gain their freedom, fulfill the ordinances of Islam, and create a government that will secure their happiness and allow them to live lives worthy of human beings.
** [[Ayatollah Khomeini]], ''Islam and Revolution, Writings and Declarations of Imam Khomeini,'' Translated and Annotated by Hamid Algar, Mizan Press, Berkley, pp. 28.

===L===
* The first thing that we are calling you to is Islam. The religion of the Unification of God; of freedom from associating partners with Him, and rejection of this; of complete love of Him, the Exalted; of complete submission to His Laws; and of the discarding of all the opinions, orders, theories and religions which contradict with the religion He sent down to His Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him). Islam is the religion of all the prophets, and makes no distinction between them - peace be upon them all. It is to this religion that we call you; the seal of all the previous religions. It is the religion of Unification of God, sincerity, the best of manners, righteousness, mercy, honour, purity, and piety. It is the religion of showing kindness to others, establishing justice between them, granting them their rights, and defending the oppressed and the persecuted. It is the religion of enjoining the good and forbidding the evil with the hand, tongue and heart. It is the religion of Jihad in the way of Allah so that Allah's Word and religion reign Supreme. And it is the religion of unity and agreement on the obedience to Allah, and total equality between all people, without regarding their colour, sex, or language. It is the religion whose book - the Quran - will remained preserved and unchanged, after the other Divine books and messages have been changed. The Quran is the miracle until the Day of Judgment. Allah has challenged anyone to bring a book like the Quran or even ten verses like it.
** [[Osama bin Laden]] from [http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2002/nov/24/theobserver Full text: bin Laden's 'letter to America']

* In most Muslim countries Islam is still the ultimate criterion of group identity and loyalty. It is Islam which distinguishes between self and other, between insider and outsider, between brother and stranger.
** [[Bernard Lewis]], [https://www.google.com/books/edition/_/Xql9DwAAQBAJ?hl=en ''The Political Language of Islam''], University Of Chicago Press, 2018, p. 4, ISBN 9780226220154.

* Islam is one of the world's great religions. Let me be explicit about what I, as a historian of Islam who is not a Muslim, mean by that. Islam has brought comfort and peace of mind to countless millions of men and women. It has given dignity and meaning to drab and impoverished lives. It has taught people of different races to live in brotherhood and people of different creeds to live side by side in reasonable tolerance. It inspired a great civilization in which others besides Muslims lived creative and useful lives and which, by its achievement, enriched the whole world. But Islam, like other religions, has also known periods when it inspired in some of its followers a mood of hatred and violence. It is our misfortune that part, though by no means all or even most, of the Muslim world is now going through such a period, and that much, though again not all, of that hatred is directed against us.
** [[Bernard Lewis]], [https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/1990/09/the-roots-of-muslim-rage/304643/ &quot;The Roots of Muslim Rage&quot;]. ''The Atlantic'' (September, 1990).

===M===
* America needs to understand Islam, because this is the one religion that erases from its society the race problem. Throughout my travels in the Muslim world, I have met, talked to, and even eaten with people who in America would have been considered white—but the white attitude was removed from their minds by the religion of Islam. I have never before seen sincere and true brotherhood practiced by all colors together, irrespective of their color. On this Hajj pilgrimage, what I have seen, and experienced, has forced me to re-arrange much of my thought-patterns previously held, and to toss aside some of my previous conclusions. This was not too difficult for me. Despite my firm convictions, I have always been a man who tries to face facts, and to accept the reality of life as new experience and new knowledge unfolds it. I have always kept an open mind, which is necessary to the flexibility that must go hand in hand with every form of intelligent search for truth. During the past eleven days here in the Muslim world, I have eaten from the same plate, drunk from the same glass, and slept in the same bed (or on the same rug)--while praying to the same God--with fellow Muslims, whose eyes were the bluest of blue, whose hair was the blondest of blond, and whose skin was the whitest of white. And in the words and in the actions in the deeds of the 'white' Muslims, I felt the same sincerity that I felt among the black African Muslims of Nigeria, Sudan, and Ghana. We were truly all the same (brothers)--because their belief in one God had removed the white from their minds, the white from their behavior, and the white from their attitude. I could see from this, that perhaps if white Americans could accept the Oneness of God, then perhaps, too, they could accept in reality the Oneness of Man--and cease to measure, and hinder, and harm others in terms of their 'differences' in color. With racism plaguing America like incurable cancer, the so-called 'Christian' white American heart should be more receptive to a proven solution to such a destructive problem. Perhaps it could be in time to save America from imminent disaster--the same destruction brought upon Germany by racism that eventually destroyed the Germans themselves.
** {{cite book|author=[[Malcolm X]]|title=The Autobiography of Malcolm X|year=1965|publisher=New York: The Random House Publishing Group|page=391}} ''Letter from Mecca''.

* I challenge anyone to understand Islam, its spirit, and not to love it. It is a beautiful religion of brotherhood and devotion.
** [[Yann Martel]], ''Life of Pi''.

*No other religion in history spread so rapidly as Islam . . . The West has widely believed that this surge of religion was made possible by the sword. But no modern scholar accepts that idea, and the Qur'an is explicit in support of the freedom of conscience.&quot; 
** [[James A. Michener]], ''Islam - The Misunderstood Religion'', Readers' Digest (American Edition) May 1955.

* Islam is a religion that is essentially rationalistic in the widest sense of this term considered etymologically and historically. The definition of rationalism as a system that bases religious beliefs on principles furnished by the reason applies to it exactly . . . It cannot be denied that many doctrines and systems of theology and also many superstitions, from the worship of saints to the use of rosaries and amulets, have become grafted on the main trunk of Muslim creed. But in spite of the rich developments, in every sense of the term, of the teachings of the Prophet, the Quran has invariable kept its place as the fundamental starting point, and the dogma of unity of God has always been proclaimed therein with a grandeur, a majesty, an invariable purity and with a note of sure conviction, which it is hard to find surpassed outside the pale of Islam. This fidelity to the fundamental dogma of the religion, the elemental simplicity of the formula in which it is enunciated, the proof that it gains from the fervid conviction of the missionaries who propagate it, are so many causes to explain the success of Muhammadan missionary efforts. A creed so precise, so stripped of all theological complexities and consequently so accessible to the ordinary understanding might be expected to possess and does indeed possess a marvelous power of winning its way into the consciences of men. 
** [[:w:de:Edouard Montet|Édouard Montet]], ''La Propagande chrétienne et ses adversaires musulmans, conférence faite à Genève et à Nîmes'', 1890; quoted by T.W. Arnold in ''The Preaching of Islam'', London, 1913, pp. 413-414.

*Some, indeed, dream of an Islam in the future, rationalised and regenerate. All this has been tried already, and has miserably failed. The Koran has so encrusted the religion in a hard unyielding casement of ordinances and social laws, that if the shell be broken the life is gone. A rationalistic Islam would be Islam no longer. The contrast between our own faith and Islam is most remarkable. There are in our Scriptures living germs of truth, which accord with civil and religious liberty, and will expand with advancing civilisation. In Islam it is just the reverse. The Koran has no such teaching as with us has abolished polygamy, slavery, and arbitrary divorce, and has elevated woman to her proper place. As a Reformer, Mahomet did advance his people to a certain point, but as a Prophet he left them fixed immovably at that point for all time to come. The tree is of artificial planting. Instead of containing within itself the germ of growth and adaptation to the various requirements of time and clime and circumstance, expanding with the genial sunshine and rain from heaven, it remains the same forced and stunted thing as when first planted some twelve centuries ago.
** [[William Muir]], Taken from the Rede Lecture he delivered at Cambridge in 1881) Asia. 2d ed., rev. and corrected. Published 1909 by E. Stanford in London. Page 458

===N===
* It was the first religion that preached and practiced democracy; for, in the mosque, when the call for prayer is sounded and worshippers are gathered together, the democracy of Islam is embodied five times a day when the peasant and king kneel side by side and proclaim: &quot;God Alone is Great.&quot; I have been struck over and over again by this indivisible unity of Islam that makes man instinctively a brother.
** [[Sarojini Naidu]], ''Ideals of Islam'', Speeches and Writings, Madaras, 1918.

* Sense of justice is one of the most wonderful ideals of Islam, because as I read in the Qur'an I find those dynamic principles of life, not mystic but practical ethics for the daily conduct of life suited to the whole world. 
** [[Sarojini Naidu]], ''The Ideals of Islam'', 1918, p. 167.

* All religions basically exhort mankind to be righteous and eschew evil. But Islam goes beyond that. It guides us towards practical ways of achieving righteousness and eliminating evil from our individual and collective lives. Islam takes into account human nature and the complexities of human society. Islam is guidance from the Creator Himself. Therefore, Islam is also called the Deenul-Fitrah (the natural religion of Man).
** [[Zakir Naik]], in ''[https://www.amazon.com/Most-Common-Questions-Asked-Muslims/dp/9675699299 Most Common Questions Asked by the non-Muslims]'', p. 43

* Were the books of Islam all to be lost, excepting only the Ihya' (a book written by [[Abu Hamid al-Ghazali|al-Ghazali]]), it would suffice to replace them all.
**{{w|Al-Nawawi}}, Joseph E. B. Lumbard, ''Islam, Fundamentalism, and the Betrayal of Tradition: Essays by Western Muslim Scholars'', p. 291. {{ISBN|0941532607}}.

===O===
* History makes it clear, however, that the legend of fanatical Muslims sweeping through the world and forcing Islam at the point of the sword upon conquered races, is one of the most fantastically absurd myths that historians have ever repeated.
** [[De Lacy O'Leary]], [https://archive.org/details/in.ernet.dli.2015.233606 ''Islam at the Crossroads''], K. Paul, Trench, Trubner &amp; Company, Limited, 1923, p. 8. Quoted by {{w|Fazlur Rahman Ansari}} in [https://archive.org/details/the-quranic-foundations-and-structure-of-muslim-society/The%20Qur%E2%80%99anic%20Foundations%20and%20Structure%20of%20Muslim%20Society%20%28Volume%201%20Book%201%29%20by%20Dr.%20Muhammad%20Fazl-Ur-Rahman%20Ansari/ ''The Qur'anic Foundations and Structure of Muslim Society''] (1973), p. 35.

===P===
* Every national church or religion has established itself by pretending some special mission from God, communicated to certain individuals. The Jews have their Moses; the Christians their Jesus Christ, their apostles and saints; and the Turks their Mahomet; as if the way to God was not open to every man alike. &lt;br/&gt; Each of those churches shows certain books, which they call ''revelation'', or the Word of God. The Jews say that their Word of God was given by God to Moses face to face; the Christians say, that their Word of God came by divine inspiration; and the Turks say, that their Word of God (the Koran) was brought by an angel from heaven. Each of those churches accuses the other of unbelief; and, for my own part, I disbelieve them all.
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[s:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794).

* ...the religiosity of Muslims deserves respect. It is impossible not to admire, for example, their fidelity to prayer. The image of believers in Allah (God) who, without caring about time or place, fall to their knees and immerse themselves in prayer remains a model for all those who invoke the true God, in particular for those Christians who, having deserted their magnificent cathedrals, pray only a little or not at all.
** [[Pope John Paul II]], Vatican City, ''Relation of the Church with Non-Christian Religions''.

===Q===
* It is not the intention of Islam to force its beliefs on people, but Islam is not merely ‘belief’. As we have pointed out, Islam is a declaration of the freedom of man from servitude to other men. Thus it strives from the beginning to abolish all those systems and governments which are based on the rule of man over men and the servitude of one human being to another. When Islam releases people from this political pressure and presents to them its spiritual message, appealing to their reason, it gives them complete freedom to accept or not to accept its beliefs. 
** {{cite book|author=[[Sayyid Qutb]]|title=Ma'alim fi'l-Tariq (Milestones)|publisher=Maktabah Booksellers and Publishers|page=70}}

===R===
* If the people of this religion [Islam] are asked about the proof for the soundness of their religion, they flare up, get angry and spill the blood of whoever confronts them with this question. They forbid rational speculation, and strive to kill their adversaries. This is why truth became thoroughly silenced and concealed. ... You claim that the evidentiary miracle is present and available, namely, the Koran. You say: &quot;Whoever denies it, let him produce a similar one.&quot; Indeed, we shall produce a thousand similar, from the works of rhetoricians, eloquent speakers and valiant poets, which are more appropriately phrased and state the issues more succinctly. They convey the meaning better and their rhymed prose is in better meter. ... By God what you say astonishes us! You are talking about a work which recounts ancient myths, and which at the same time is full of contradictions and does not contain any useful information or explanation. Then you say: &quot;Produce something like it&quot;?!
** Attributed to {{w|Rhazes|Abu Bakr Muhammad al-Razi}}, in:  Jennifer Michael Hecht - ''Doubt: A History: The Great Doubters and Their Legacy of Innovation from Socrates and Jesus to Thomas Jefferson and Emily Dickinson'' (pg. 227-230) - HarperOne, September 7, 2004, ISBN 9780060097950

*Given that the majority of Americans have never met a Muslim and know little of Islam makes them vulnerable to a false national narrative about Muslims...  Islam calls people to promote peace. Even when someone harms us, Islam teaches, we are to respond to hate with love. Sadly, people of all wisdom traditions fail to live up to their teachings. Rejecting collective blame for the actions of a few, let us work together for a peaceful future based on mutual respect and compassion.  [[Shariah]] is a term for Islamic teachings like caring for parents, feeding the hungry and obeying the law of the land in which you live. In the United States, this means obeying the US Constitution. Those who seek to “ban Shariah” are tearing down our constitutional rights. Fourteen states in have passed anti-Muslim bills, adding institutional and structural force to bigotry and taking away the rights of Muslims and Jews to seek court-authorized mediation. Standing for the rights of religious minorities is how we protect the rights we all enjoy.
**[https://religionnews.com/2020/02/25/facts-over-fear-campaign-releasing-islam-and-peace-and-what-is-shariah/ Facts Over Fear Campaign: Releasing 'Islam and Peace' and 'What is Shariah?  Countering the false witness against our American Muslim neighbors, ''Religious News Service''], (25 February 2020)

* Wherever the Mohammedans have had complete sway, wherever the Christians have been unable to resist them by the sword, Christianity has ultimately disappeared. From the hammer of Charles Martel to the sword of Sobieski, Christianity owed its safety in Europe to the fact that it was able to show that it could and would fight as well as the Mohammedan aggressor.
** [[Theodore Roosevelt]], ''Fear God and Take Your Own Part'' (1916), p. 70

* For a vast number of &quot;believing&quot; Muslim men, &quot;Islam&quot; stands, in a jumbled, half-examined way, not only for the fear of God -- the fear more than the love, one suspects -- but also for a cluster of customs, opinions and prejudices that include their dietary practices; the sequestration or near-sequestration of &quot;their&quot; women; the sermons delivered by their mullahs of choice; a loathing of modern society in general, riddled as it is with music, godlessness and sex; and a more particularized loathing (and fear) of the prospect that their own immediate surroundings could be taken over -- &quot;Westoxicated&quot; -- by the liberal Western-style way of life.
** [[Salman Rushdie]], &quot;Yes, This Is About Islam&quot;, November, 2001

* {{w|Bolshevism}} combines the characteristics of the French Revolution with those of the rise of Islam. … Among religions, Bolshevism is to be reckoned with Mohammedanism rather than with Christianity and Buddhism. Christianity and Buddhism are primarily personal religions, with mystical doctrines and a love of contemplation. Mohammedanism and Bolshevism are practical, social, unspiritual, concerned to win the empire of the world.
** [[Bertrand Russell]], &quot;The Practice and Theory of Bolshevism&quot;, (London, 1920), pp. 5, 114-115 

* The beliefs appropriate to the impulse of aggression may be seen in Bernhardi, or in the early Mohammedan conquerors, or, in full perfection, in the Book of Joshua. There is first of all a conviction of the superior excellence of one's own group, a certainty that they are in some sense the chosen people. This justifies the feeling that only the good and evil of one's own group is of real importance, and that the rest of the world is to be regarded merely as material for the triumph or salvation of the higher race. In modern politics this attitude is embodied in imperialism.
** [[Bertrand Russell]], Why men fight: a Method of Abolishing the International Duel.

* It was the duty of the faithful to conquer as much of the world as possible for Islam. ... The Arabs, although they conquered a great part of the world in the name of a new religion were not a very religious race; the motive of their conquests was plunder and wealth rather than religion.
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''The History of Western Philosophy'', Book Two, Part 2, Chapter X: Mohammedan Culture

* From India to Spain, the brilliant civilization of Islam flourished. What was lost to Christendom at this time was not lost to civilization, but quite the contrary… To us it seems that West-European civilization is civilization; but this is a narrow view.&quot;
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''History of Western Philosophy'', London, 1948, p. 419]

===S===
* Islam was not a torch, as has been claimed, but an extinguisher. Conceived in a barbarous brain for the use of a barbarous people, it was — and it remains — incapable of adapting itself to civilization. Wherever it has dominated, it has broken the impulse towards progress and checked the evolution of society.
** Islam is Christianity adapted to Arab mentality, or, more exactly, it is all that the unimaginative brain of a Bedouin, obstinately faithful to ancestral practices, has been able to assimilate of the Christian doctrines. Lacking the gift of imagination, the Bedouin copies, and in copying he distorts the original. Thus Musulman law is only the Roman Code revised and corrected by Arabs; in the same way Musulman science is nothing but Greek science interpreted by the Arab brain; and again, Musulman architecture is merely a distorted imitation of the Byzantine style.
** {{w|Andre Servier}}, ''L’islam et la psychologie du musulman'' (1923).

* Islam is very different, being ferociously intolerant. What I may call Manifold Monotheism becomes in the minds of very simple folk an absurdly polytheistic idolatry, just as European peasants not only worship Saints and the Virgin as Gods, but will fight fanatically for their faith in the ugly little black doll who is the Virgin of their own Church against the black doll of the next village. When the Arabs had run this sort of idolatry to such extremes [that] they did this without black dolls and worshipped any stone that looked funny, Mahomet rose up at the risk of his life and insulted the stones shockingly, declaring that there is only one God, Allah, the glorious, the great, and pinning himself to the second Commandment that no man should dare make a graven image of Allah or any of his creatures. And there was to be no nonsense about toleration. You accepted Allah or you had your throat cut by someone who did accept him, and who went to Paradise for having sent you to Hell.
** [[George Bernard Shaw]], in a letter to the Reverend Ensor Walters (1933), as quoted in &quot;[http://books.google.co.uk/books/about/Bernard_Shaw_Collected_Letters_1926_1950.html?id=0pVZAAAAYAAJ&amp;redir_esc=y Bernard Shaw : Collected Letters, 1926-1950]&quot; (1988), p. 322-3

* The rise of Islam is perhaps the most amazing event in human history. Springing from a land and a people like previously negligible, Islam spread within a century over half the earth, shattering great empires, overthrowing long established religions, remolding the souls of races, and building up a whole new world - world of Islam. The closer we examine this development the more extraordinary does it appear. The other great religions won their way slowly, by painful struggle and finally triumphed with the aid of powerful monarchs who converted to the new faith. Christianity had its Constantine, Buddhism its Asoka, and Zoroastrianism its Cyrus, each lending to his chosen cult the mighty force of secular authority. Not so Islam. Arising in a desert land sparsely inhabited by a nomad race previously undistinguished in human annals, Islam sallied forth on its great adventure with the slenderest human backing and against the heaviest material odds. Yet Islam triumphed with seemingly miraculous ease, and a couple of generations saw the Fiery Crescent borne victorious from the Pyrenees to the Himalayas and from the desert of Central Asia to the deserts of Central Africa.
** {{w|Lothrop Stoddard}} quoted in ''The New World of Islam'', Charles Scribner's Sons, p.3.

* The trouble with Islam is deeply rooted in its teachings. Islam is not only a religion. Islam (is) also a political ideology that preaches violence and applies its agenda by force. 
** [[Wafa Sultan]], cited in: N. C. Munson, Noel Carroll. ''If You Can Keep It,'' Allen-Ayers Books, 2010, p. 215

* Islam has never been misunderstood. Islam is the problem. But no one is stating the truth. No one is taking a hard look at the root of terrorism which is the brain washing machine called Islam. Islam is not up to me, is not up to any Muslim – man or woman. Islam is exactly what the prophet Muhammad did and said. In order to understand Islam you have to read the biography of Muhammad. It is very traumatising. It is very shocking. He married his second wife when she was six years old. He was over fifty. [...] His third wife was Sophia. She was a Jewish woman. It was well documented, well written in our school books that he attacked her tribe. He killed her father, her brother, and her husband. At the same day, he slept with her. That's what I call Islam.
** [[Wafa Sultan]], speech at Restoration Weekend, Palm Beach, Florida 2007 [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=up3yuQDAWKQ]

* You need to understand that Islam is the problem. I am sick and tired of people here in the West asking me to soften my message. I am sick and tired of people asking me, &quot;Are you trying to change 1.3 billion people?&quot; Yes, I am trying!
** [[Wafa Sultan]], speech at Restoration Weekend, 2007

===T===
* It is easy to understand why this reformed Judaism spread so swiftly over Africa and Asia. The African and Syrian doctors had substituted abstruse metaphysical dogmas for the religion of Christ : they tried to combat the licentiousness of the age by setting forth the celestial merit of celibacy and the angelic excellence of virginity — seclusion from the world was the road of holiness, dirt was the characteristic of monkish sanctity — the people were practically polytheists, worshipping a crowd of martyrs, saints and angels; the upper classes were effeminate and corrupt, the middle classes oppressed by taxation, the slaves without hope for the present or the future. As with the besom of God, Islam swept away this mass of corruption and superstition. It was a revolt against empty theological polemics; it was a masculine protest against the exaltation of celibacy as a crown of piety. It brought out the fundamental dogmas of religion — the unity and greatness of God, that He is merciful and righteous, that He claims obedience to His will, resignation and faith. It proclaimed the responsibility of man, a future life, a day of judgment, and stern retribution to fall upon the wicked; and enforced the duties of prayer, almsgiving, fasting and benevolence. It thrust aside the artificial virtues, the religious frauds and follies, the perverted moral sentiments, and the verbal subtleties of theological disputants. It replaced monkishness by manliness. It gave hope to the slave, brotherhood to mankind, and recognition to the fundamental facts of human nature.
** {{w|Isaac Taylor (priest)|Isaac Taylor}}, paper read before the Church Congress at Wolverhampton, Oct. 7, 1887. Quoted by [[w:Thomas Walker Arnold|Thomas Walker Arnold]], in [https://archive.org/details/preachingofislam00arno ''The Preaching of Islam:''], pp. 71-72

* The extinction of race consciousness as between Muslims is one of the outstanding moral achievements of Islam, and in the contemporary world there is, as it happens, a crying need for the propagation of this Islamic virtue.
** [[Arnold Joseph Toynbee]], [https://archive.org/details/in.ernet.dli.2015.185313 ''Civilization on Trial''], Oxford University Press, 1948, p. 205.

===V===
* Your religion, although it has some good points, such as worship of the great Being, and the necessity of being just and charitable, is otherwise nothing but a rehash of Judaism and a tedious collection of fairy tales.
** [[Voltaire]], Reason in ''[http://history.hanover.edu/texts/voltaire/volreaso.html The Philosophical Dictionary]'' selected and translated by H.I. Woolf (1924)

===W===
* I am not a Muslim in the usual sense, though I hope I am a Muslim as &quot;one surrendered to God&quot;, but I believe that embedded in the Quran and other expressions of the Islamic vision are vast stores of divine truth from which I and other occidentals have still much to learn, and Islam is certainly a strong contender for the supplying of the basic framework of the one religion of the future.
** [[William Montgomery Watt|W. Montgomery Watt]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=4YlTAQAAQBAJ&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;hl=fr&amp;source=gbs_ge_summary_r&amp;cad=0#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false ''Islam and Christianity Today: A Contribution to Dialogue''], Routledge Library Editions, 1983, p. ix.

* The Islamic teachings have left great traditions for equitable and gentle dealings and behavior, and inspire people with nobility and tolerance. These are human teachings of the highest order and at the same time practicable. These teachings brought into existence a society in which hard-heartedness and collective oppression and injustice were the least as compared with all other societies preceding it….Islam is replete with gentleness, courtesy, and fraternity.” 
** [[H. G. Wells]], ''The Outline of History'', London, 1920.

* From a new angle and with a fresh vigour, Islam took up that systematic development of positive knowledge which the Greeks had begun and relinquished. If the Greek was the father, then the Arab was the foster-father of the scientific method of dealing with reality, that is to say, by absolute frankness, the utmost simplicity of statement and explanation, exact record and exhaustive criticism. Through the Arabs it was, and not by the Latin route, that the modem world received that gift of light and power. 
** [[H. G. Wells]], ''The Outline of History'', London, 1920.

*Islam is much more than a formal religion: it is an integral way of life. In many ways it is a more determining factor in the experience of its followers than any other world religion. The Muslim (&quot;one who submits&quot;) lives face to face with God at all times and will introduce no separation between his life and his religion, his politics and his faith. With its strong emphasis on the brotherhood of men cooperating to fulfill the will of God, Islam has become one of the most influential religions in the world today.
** John Alden Williams, ''Islam'', George Braziller, 1962.

==''[[Quran]]''==
:&lt;small&gt;[[Wikisource:Quran|''The Quran'' on Wikisource]]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Logo for ((HAVATO DARAM)) facebook page- A page about addiction and cures for Iranians in Persian language- 2014-02-12 03-41.jpg|thumb|God forbids you not [[respecting]] those who [[fight]] you not for religion, nor drive you forth from your [[homes]], that you show them [[kindness]] and deal with them justly. Surely, God [[loves]] the doers of [[justice]].]]

* And establish prayers, give obligatory charity, and whatever good deeds you send ahead for yourselves; you shall find it with God. Surely, God is All-Seeing of what you do.
** [[Quran]] 2:110

* And this was the legacy that Abraham left to his sons, and so did [[Jacob]]; &quot;Oh my sons! God had chosen the religion for you; so die not unless in the Faith of Islam.&quot; 
** [[w:Al-Baqara|Quran 2:132]]

* Say: &quot;We believe in God, and in what has been revealed to us and what was revealed to [[Abraham]], [[Ishmael]], [[Isaac]], [[Jacob]], and the Tribes, and in (scriptures) given to [[Moses]], [[Jesus]], and the [[prophets]], from their [[Lord]]. We make no distinction between one and another among them, and to God do we bow our will.&quot; If anyone desires a religion other than Islam, never will it be accepted of him; and in the Hereafter he will be in the ranks of distressed ones.
** [[w:Ali-Imran|Quran 3:84-85]]

* Forbidden to you (for food) are: dead meat, blood, the flesh of swine, and that on which hath been invoked the name of other than Allah; that which hath been killed by strangling, or by a violent blow, or by a headlong fall, or by being gored to death; that which hath been (partly) eaten by a wild animal; unless ye are able to slaughter it (in due form); that which is sacrificed on stone (altars); (forbidden) also is the division (of meat) by raffling with arrows: that is impiety. This day have those who reject faith given up all hope of your religion: yet fear them not but fear Me. '''This day have I perfected your religion for you, completed My favour upon you, and have chosen for you Islam as your religion.''' But if any is forced by hunger, with no inclination to transgression, Allah is indeed Oft-forgiving, Most Merciful.
** [[w:Verse of Ikmal al-Din|Quran 5:3]]

* For this reason We prescribed for the Children of Israel that '''whoever kills a person, unless it be for man-slaughter or for mischief in the land, it is as though he had killed all men. And whoever saves a life, it is as though he had saved the lives of all men.''' And certainly Our messengers came to them with clear arguments, but even after that many of them commit excesses in the land. 
** [[w:Al-Maida|Quran 5:32]]

* Indeed, I am God. There is no deity except Me, so worship Me and establish prayer for My remembrance. I am about to make it manifest -- so that every soul may be rewarded as it strives. So do not let one avert you from it who does not believe in it and follows his desire, for you [then] would perish.  
** [[w:Ta Ha|Quran 20:14-16]]

* O ye who believe ! bow down and adore, and serve your Lord, and do well, that ye may prosper; and strive hard for God, as is His due. '''He has elected you, and has not put upon you any hindrance by your religion, — the faith of your father [[Abraham]]. He has named you [[Muslim|Muslims]] before''' and in this (book) that the Apostle may be a witness against you, and that ye may be witnesses against men. Be ye then steadfast in prayer, and give alms, and hold fast by God; He is your Sovereign, and an excellent Sovereign, and an excellent Helper ! 
** [[w:Al-Hajj|Quran 22:77-78]]

* God forbids you not respecting those who fight you not for religion, nor drive you forth from your homes, that you show them kindness and deal with them justly. Surely God loves the doers of justice. God forbids you only respecting those who fight you for religion, and drive you forth from your homes and help in your expulsion, that you make friends of them; and whoever makes friends of them, these are the wrongdoers. 
** [[w:Al-Mumtahanah|Quran 60:8-9]]

==See also==
* [[Muslim]]
* [[Muslim world]]
* [[Muhammad]]
* [[Sahaba]]
* [[Qur'an]]
* [[Sufism]]
* [[Islam and Christianity]]
* [[Farewell Sermon]]

==External links==
{{Similarlinks}}

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      <text bytes="61930" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Islamic-Architecture.jpg|thumb|Indeed, I am [[God]]. There is no [[deity]] except Me, so [[worship]] Me and establish [[prayer]] for My [[remembrance]]. Verily, [[Last_Judgment#Islam|the Hour]] is coming but I am about to make it manifest so that every [[soul]] may be [[rewarded]] as it [[strive|strives]]. So do not let one avert you from it who does not [[believe]] in it and follows his (low) [[desire]], for you (then) would [[perish]]. ~ [[Quran]]]]
[[File:Quran cover.jpg|thumb|This [[day]] have I [[perfected]] your religion for you, [[completed]] My [[favour]] upon you, and have [[chosen]] for you Islam as your [[religion]]. ~ [[Quran]]]]
'''[[w:Islam|Islam]]''' is an [[w:Abrahamic|Abrahamic]] [[Monotheism|monotheistic]] [[religion]] originating with [[Muhammad]] and centered on the religious text known as the ''[[Qur'an]]''. It is the [[w:major religious groups|world's second-largest religion]] and the fastest-growing major religion in the world, with an estimated 1.8 billion adherents (as of 2017), known as [[Muslim]]s. Linguistically, Islam means &quot;submission to God&quot;, referring to the total surrender of one's self to [[w:God in Islam|God]] (Arabic: [[Allah|الله, Allāh]]), and a [[w:Muslim|Muslim]] is &quot;one who submits to God&quot;.
__NOTOC__
{{TOCalpha|''[[#Quran|Quran]]''}}

== Quotes ==
[[File:Supplicating Pilgrim at Masjid Al Haram. Mecca, Saudi Arabia.jpg|thumb|right|And establish prayer and give obligatory [[charity]], and whatever [[good]] you put forward for [[yourselves]] - you will find it with [[Allah]]. Indeed, Allah is well [[Seeing]] of what you [[do]]. ~ [[Quran]]]]
[[File:Khidr.jpg|thumb|There are many interpretations of Islam within the wider Islamic community, but generally we are instructed to leave the [[world]] a better place than it was when we came into it. ~ [[Aga Khan IV‎‎]]]]
[[File:DSC00865-Пано копия копия.jpg|thumb|Islam appears to me like a perfect work of architecture. All its parts are harmoniously conceived to complement and support each other; nothing is superfluous and nothing lacking, with the result of an absolute balance and solid composure. ~ [[Muhammad Asad]]]]

===A===
* Islam is often seen as a monolith, when it is as diverse as any other tradition, with followers running the gamut from modernizers to traditionalists.  Some commentators talk as if the world of Islam was more or less identical with the Arab world -- whereas in fact a majority of Muslims are not native Arabic speakers.  The most populous Muslim countries are to be found in non-Arab Asia -- from Indonesia through South-East and South Asia to Central Asia, Iran, and Turkey, which of course is both in Asia and Europe.  There are many predominantly Muslim countries in sub-Saharan Africa, and large minorities of Muslims are to be found on every continent.
** [[Kofi Annan]] — [https://www.un.org/press/en/2004/sgsm9637.doc.htm &quot;Secretary-General, addressing Headquarters Seminar on confronting Islamophobia, stresses importance of leadership, two-way integration, dialogue&quot;] (7 December 2004)

* Islam is a religion of success. Unlike Christianity, which has as its main image, in the West at least, a man dying in a devastating, disgraceful, helpless death… Muhammed was not an apparent failure. He was a dazzling success, politically as well as spiritually, and Islam went from strength to strength to strength. 
** [[Karen Armstrong]], [http://www.pbs.org/moyers/faithandreason/print/armstrong_print.html &quot;Bill Moyers Interviews Karen Armstrong on NOW&quot;], PBS, March 1, 2002.

* In the hours of its political degradation, Islam has achieved some of its most brilliant spiritual conquests: on two great historical occasions, infidel barbarians have set their feet on the necks of the followers of the Prophet, - the Saljūq Turks in the eleventh and the Mongols in the thirteenth century,- and in each case the conquerors have accepted the religion of the conquered. Unaided also by the temporal power, Muslim missionaries have carried their faith into Central Africa, China and the East India Islands.
** [[Thomas Walker Arnold]], [https://archive.org/details/preachingofislam00arno ''The Preaching of Islam: a History of the Propagation of the Muslim Faith''], 2nd ed. (London: Constable and Co. Ltd, 1913), p. 2.

* Islam appears to me like a perfect work of architecture. All its parts are harmoniously conceived to complement and support each other; nothing is superfluous and nothing lacking, with the result of an absolute balance and solid composure. Probably this feeling that everything in the teachings and postulates of Islam is &quot;in its proper place&quot; has created the strongest impression on me.
** [[Muhammad Asad]], [https://www.google.com/books/edition/_/KFI1YmKMDdkC?hl=en ''Islam at the Crossroads''], Preface to the first 1934 edition.

* Even before accepting the religion of the Arabs, the Turks were a great nation. After accepting the religion of the Arabs, this religion, didn't effect to combine the Arabs, the Persians and Egyptians with the Turks to constitute a nation. (This religion) rather, loosened the national nexus of Turkish nation, got national excitement numb. This was very natural. Because the purpose of the religion founded by Muhammad, over all nations, was to drag to an including Arab national politics.
** [[Mustafa Kemal Atatürk]], as quoted in ''Medenî Bilgiler ve M. Kemal Atatürk'ün El Yazıları'' [''Civics and M. Kemal Atatürk's Manuscripts''] (1998) by Afet İnan, p. 364

* Islam is a [[religion]] of continuous personal and {{w|societal reform}} through [[disciplined]] [[worship]].
** [[Mahmoud M. Ayoub]], {{cite book |title=Islam: Faith and History |date=2013 |publisher=Simon and Schuster |isbn=978-1-78074-452-0 |page=57 |url=https://books.google.com/books?id=Lhy9DwAAQBAJ&amp;pg=PT57}}

===B===
* It is the nature of Islam to dominate, not to be dominated, to impose its law on all nations and to extend its power to the entire planet.
** Attributed to [[Hassan Banna]] by [[Mitt Romney]] in ''[[w:No Apology|No Apology: The Case for American Greatness]]'' (March 2, 2010), [https://books.google.com/books?id=PDpBpo5CVB4C Page 67], and by the {{w|Jewish Virtual Library}} in ''[https://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/the-muslim-brotherhood Terrorism: Muslim Brotherhood]''.

* Islam has a total organization of life that is completely different from ours; it embraces simply everything. ... There is a very marked subordination of woman to man; there is a very tightly knit criminal law, indeed, a law regulating all areas of life, that is opposed to our modern ideas about society. One has to have a clear understanding that it is not simply a denomination that can be included in the free realm of a pluralistic society.
** [[Benedict XVI]], 1997 interview with German journalist Peter Seewald, quoted in [http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2006/sep/20/20060920-123849-8040r/ &quot;Tough-talking pope has history with Muslims, refuses to give in&quot;, ''The Washington Times'' (20 September 2006)].

* I often think that [[woman]] is more [[free]] in Islam than in [[Christianity]]. Woman is more [[protected]] by Islam than by the [[faith]] which preaches Monogamy. In Al-Quran the [[law]] about woman is more just and liberal. It is only in the last twenty years that Christian England, has recognized the right of woman to [[property]], while Islam has allowed this right from all times.
** [[Annie Besant]], ''The Life and Teachings of Muhammad'', Madras, 1932, pp. 25, 26.

* Islam, from among all religions, best suits the science discoveries and is the most ready to edify souls and force them to abide by justice, kindness and toleration.
** [[Gustave Le Bon]], ''The World of Islamic Civilization'' (''La Civilisation des Arabes'', 1884).

* Islam first came before the world as a doubly totalitarian system. It claimed to impose itself on the whole world and it claimed also, by the divinely appointed Muhammadan law, by the principles of the ''fiqh'', to regulate down to the smallest details the whole life of the Islamic community and of every individual believer. ... [T]he study of Muhammadan law (dry and forbidding though it may appear to those who confine themselves to the indispensable study of the ''fiqh'') is of great importance to the world today.
** {{W|Georges-Henri Bousquet}}, &quot;Islamic Law and Customary Law in French North Africa,&quot; ''Journal of Comparative Legislation and International Law'' (1950): 65. Fiqh

===C===
* At the heart of Islam is its preservation of an integral view of the Universe. Islam - like Buddhism and Hinduism - refuses to separate man and nature, religion and science, mind and matter, and has preserved a metaphysical and unified view of ourselves and the world around us.
** [[Charles, Prince of Wales]], [https://www.princeofwales.gov.uk/speech/speech-hrh-prince-wales-titled-islam-and-west-oxford-centre-islamic-studies-sheldonian Islam and the West] at the [[w:Oxford Centre for Islamic Studies|Oxford Centre for Islamic Studies]] (27 October 1993).

* There is in Islam a paradox which is perhaps a permanent menace. The great creed born in the desert creates a kind of ecstasy of the very emptiness of its own land, and even, one may say, out of the emptiness of its own theology... A void is made in the heart of Islam which has to be filled up again and again by a mere repetition of the revolution that founded it. There are no sacraments; the only thing that can happen is a sort of Armageddon, as unique as the end of the world; so the Armageddon can only be repeated and the world end again and again. There are no priests; and yet this equality can only breed a multitude if lawless prophets almost as numerous as priests. The very dogma that there is only one Mahomet produces an endless procession of Mahomets.
** [[G. K. Chesterton]], &quot;[http://www.gkc.org.uk/gkc/books/25795-h/25795-h.htmLord Kitchener]&quot;, (1917) p. 8

* How dreadful are the curses which Mohammedanism lays on its votaries! Besides the fanatical frenzy, which is as dangerous in a man as hydrophobia in a dog, there is this fearful fatalistic apathy. The effects are apparent in many countries. Improvident habits, slovenly systems of agriculture, sluggish methods of commerce, and insecurity of property exist wherever the followers of the Prophet rule or live. A degraded sensualism deprives this life of its grace and refinement; the next of its dignity and sanctity. The fact that in Mohammedan law every woman must belong to some man as his absolute property must delay the final extinction of slavery until the faith of Islam has ceased to be a great power among men. Individual Moslems may show splendid qualities. Thousands become the brave and loyal soldiers of the Queen; all know how to die; but the influence of the religion paralyses the social development of those who follow it. No stronger retrograde force exists in the world. Far from being moribund, Mohammedanism is a militant and proselytizing faith. It has already spread throughout Central Africa, raising fearless warriors at every step; and were it not that Christianity is sheltered in the strong arms of science the civilisation of modern Europe might fall, as fell the civilisation of ancient Rome.
** [[Winston Churchill]], ''The River War'' (1899), first edition, Vol. II, p. 248.

===D===
* It's almost impossible to say anything against Islam in this country, because you are accused of being racist or Islamophobic.
** [[Richard Dawkins]], 2008 comment quoted in [http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1301750/Fury-Richard-Dawkinss-burka-jibe-atheist-tells-revulsion-Muslim-dress.html &quot;Fury over Richard Dawkins's burka jibe as atheist tells of his 'visceral revulsion' at Muslim dress&quot;, ''Daily Mail'' (10 August 2010)]

* It's tempting to say all religions are bad, and I do say all religions are bad, but it's a worse temptation to say all religions are equally bad because they're not. If you look at the actual impact that different religions have on the world it's quite apparent that at present the most evil religion in the world has to be Islam. It's terribly important to modify that because of course that doesn't mean all Muslims are evil, very far from it. Individual Muslims suffer more from Islam than anyone else. They suffer from the homophobia, the misogyny, the joylessness which is preached by extreme Islam, Isis and the Iranian regime. So it is a major evil in the world, we do have to combat it, but we don't do what Trump did and say all Muslims should be shut out of the country. That's draconian, that's {{w|illiberal}}, inhumane and wicked. I am against Islam not least because of the unpleasant effects it has on the lives of Muslims.
** [[Richard Dawkins]], as quoted in [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/2017/06/11/richard-dawkins-religious-education-crucial-british-schoolchildren/ &quot;Richard Dawkins: religious education is crucial for British schoolchildren&quot;] by Sarah Knapton, ''The Telegraph'' (11 June 2017)

*[[Middle Ages|Medieval]] Islam was technologically advanced and open to innovation. It achieved far higher literacy rates than in contemporary Europe; it assimilated the legacy of classical Greek civilization to such a degree that many classical books are now known to us only through Arabic copies. It invented windmills, trigonometry, lateen sails and made major advances in [[metallurgy]], mechanical and chemical engineering and irrigation methods. In the middle-ages, the flow of technology was overwhelmingly from Islam to Europe rather from Europe to Islam. Only after the 1500s did the net direction of flow begin to reverse.&quot; 
** [[Jared Diamond]], a world-renowned UCLA sociologist, and physiologist, author of Pulitzer Prize-winning book &quot;Guns, Germs, and Steel.&quot;, p. 253.

===E===

*“These descriptions are very ugly, it is offensive and an insult to our religion. There is no moderate or immoderate Islam. Islam is Islam and that’s it.” 
**Recep Tayyip Erdoğan,  [https://www.theblaze.com/contributions/islam-what-lies-ahead-for-the-next-thousand-years]  [https://www.jewishpress.com/indepth/columns/fuchs-focus/islam/2015/01/14/]

* Islam cannot be either ‘moderate’ or ‘not moderate.’ Islam can only be one thing.
** [[Recep Tayyip Erdoğan]], as quoted in [http://www.hurriyetdailynews.com/erdogan-criticizes-saudi-crown-princes-moderate-islam-pledge-122262 &quot;Erdoğan criticizes Saudi Crown Prince’s ‘moderate Islam’ pledge&quot;] in ''hurriyetdailynews.com'' (November 9 2017)

* Islam stands in a long line of Semitic, prophetic religious traditions that share an uncompromising monotheism, and belief in God's revelation, His prophets, ethical responsibility and accountability, and the Day of Judgement. Indeed, Muslims, like Christians and Jews, are the Children of Abraham, since all trace their communities back to him. Islam's historic religious and political relationship to Christendom and Judaism has remained strong throughout history. This interaction has been the source of mutual benefit.
** [[John Esposito|John L. Esposito]], [https://www.google.com/books/edition/_/TALYAAAAMAAJ?hl=en''Islam, The Straight Path''], New York/Oxford: Oxford University Press (1st edition), 1988, pp. 3-4.

* [B]laming Islam is a simple answer, easier and less controversial than re-examining the core political issues and grievances that resonate in much of the Muslim world: the failures of many Muslim governments and societies, some aspects of U.S. foreign policy representing intervention and dominance, Western support for authoritarian regimes, the invasion and occupation of Iraq, or support for Israel's military battles with Hamas in Gaza and Hezbollah in Lebanon.
** [[John Esposito|John L. Esposito]], ''Who Speaks For Islam?: What a Billion Muslims Really Think'', p. 136-137.

===F===
* Neither the sword nor the work of an ecclesiastical order can account for Islam's continuous gains in new following. The phenomenon of growth, therefore, must be attributed in the last analysis to its powers of appeal and ability to meet the spiritual and material needs of peoples adhering to cultures totally alien to the founders, the desert Arabians, but at a level of religious and sociopolitical development familiar to them at the time of their conversion. Continued growth can be explained also in terms of Islam's willingness to tolerate views and practices stemming from alien cultural norms brought into Islam by the converts which a more rigid system of religion would not countenance. Flexibility at this, the crucial stage, of conversion is an important factor contributing to Islam's success. What would ordinarily be deemed heretical at the instance of conversion inevitably drifts or is lured towards orthodoxy. The spread of Islam into Southeast Asia and sub-Saharan Africa presents a vivid example of its dynamism while its ability to survive in areas once dominated by communism is a testimony to its remarkable resilience.
** {{W|Caesar E. Farah}}, ''Islam : beliefs and observances'', 7th ed - Barron’s  Ed. Series,  Inc - Woodbury - New York. 1968 - pp. 268-269.

*[Islam] is essentially an obstructive, intolerant system, supplying just sufficient good to stand in the way of greater good.  It has consecrated despotism; it has consecrated polygamy; it has consecrated slavery.  It has declared war against every other creed; it has claimed to be at least dominant in every land…  When it ceases to have an enemy to contend against, it sinks into sluggish stupidity…  It must have an enemy; if cut off, like Persia, from conflict with the infidel, it finds its substitute in sectarian hatred of brother Moslems… By [only] slightly reforming, it has perpetuated and sanctified all the evils of the eastern world. It has, by its aggressive tenets, brought them into more direct antagonism with the creed and civilization of the west.
** [[Edward Augustus Freeman]], &quot;The History And Conquests of the Saracens&quot;, Kessinger Publishing Co (2004),  ISBN 9781417948291, pp. 246-247

* I would never regard Islam with anything but horror and fear because it is fundamentally committed to conquering the world for Islam.
** [[Antony Flew]], ''Did the Resurrection Happen?: A Conversation with Gary Habermas and Antony Flew'' (2009), p. 88

===G===
* I wanted to know the best of one who holds today undisputed sway over the hearts of millions of mankind. … I became more than ever convinced that it was not the sword that won a place for Islam in those days in the scheme of life. It was the rigid simplicity, the utter self-effacement of the Prophet, the scrupulous regard for his pledges, his intense devotion to his friends and followers, his intrepidity, his fearlessness, his absolute trust in God and in his own mission. These and not the sword carried everything before them and surmounted every obstacle.
**[[Mahatma Gandhi]], published in ''[[w:Young India|Young India]]'', 1924. [http://www.gandhiserve.org/cwmg/VOL029.PDF ''Collected Works of Mahatma Gandhi''], vol. 29, &quot;My Jail experiences&quot;, p. 133.

* But Islam has yet a further service to render to the cause of humanity. It stands after all nearer to the real East than Europe does, and it possesses a magnificent tradition of interracial understanding and co-operation. No other society has such a record of success in uniting in an equality of status, of opportunity, and of endeavour so many and so various races of mankind. ... Islam has still the power to reconcile apparently irreconcilable elements of race and tradition If ever the opposition of the great societies of the East and the West is to be replaced by co-operation, the mediation of Islam is an indispensable condition. In its hands lies very largely the solution of the problem with which Europe is faced in its relations with the East. If they unite, the hope of a peaceful issue is immeasurably enhanced — but if Europe, by rejecting the co operation of Islam, throws it into the arms of its rivals, the issue can only be disastrous for both. 
** [[Hamilton Alexander Rosskeen Gibb]], [https://archive.org/details/in.ernet.dli.2015.217616 ''Whither Islam?: A Study of Modern Movements in the Muslem World''], Victor Gollancz Ltd, 1932, p. 379.

* 'I believe in 'One God and Muhammad is the Prophet of God,' is the simple and invariable profession of Islam. The intellectual image of the Deity has never been degraded by any visible idol; the honours of the Prophet of God have never transgressed the measure of human virtue, and his living precepts have restrained the gratitude of his disciples within the bounds of reason and religion.&quot; 
** [[Edward Gibbon]] and Simon Ocklay, ''History of the Saracen Empire'', London, 1870, p. 54.

* Purer than the system of Zoroaster, more liberal than the law of Moses, the religion of Muhammad might seem less inconsistent with reason than the creed of mystery and superstition which, in the seventh century, disgraced the simplicity of the gospels. 
** [[Edward Gibbon]], ''The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire'', vol. 5. p. 487.

* I like Islam, it is consistent [or consequential] idea of religion and open-minded.
** [[Kurt Gödel]], ''A Logical Journey: From Gödel to Philosophy'' by Hao Wang, p. 148, 1996.

===H===
* Islam has been built on five [pillars]: testifying that there is no deity worthy of worship except Allah and that Muhammad is the Messenger of Allah, establishing the salah (prayer), paying the zakat (obligatory charity), making the hajj (pilgrimage) to the House, and fasting in Ramadhan.
** [[Hadith]], {{w|Al-Nawawi's Forty Hadith|''An-Nawawi’s Forty Hadith''}}, [https://sunnah.com/nawawi40/3 40 Hadith Nawawi, Hadith 3].

* Mu’adh ibn Jabal reported: I was with the Prophet and we woke up one day and I said, “O Messenger of God, tell me about a deed that will enter me into Paradise and keep me away from the Fire.” The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said: You have asked about an enormous matter, yet it is easy for one whom God makes it easy. Worship God and do not associate anything with Him, establish the prayer, give the charity, fast the month of Ramadan, and perform pilgrimage to the House.
** Hadith Sunan At-Tirmidhi 2616 from [http://www.faithinallah.org/forty-hadith-nawawi/#sthash.KS1nEjaw.dpuf]

* In Mohammedanism the limited principle of the Jews is expanded into universality and thereby overcome. Here, God is no longer, as with the Asiatics, contemplated as existent in immediately sensuous mode but is apprehended as the one infinite sublime Power beyond all the multiplicity of the world. Mohammedanism is, therefore, in the strictest sense of the world, the religion of sublimity.
** [[Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel]], ''Philosophy of Mind'' (quoted by [[Slavoj Žižek]] in [http://www.lacan.com/zizarchives.htm A Glance into the Archives of Islam], Lacan dot com, 1997).

* Islam in its origins is just as shady and approximate as those from which it took its borrowings. It makes immense claims for itself, invokes prostrate submission or &quot;surrender&quot; as a maxim to its adherents, and demands deference and respect from nonbelievers into the bargain. There is nothing—absolutely nothing—in its teachings that can even begin to justify such arrogance and presumption.
** [[Christopher Hitchens]], ''[[God is Not Great|God is not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything]]'' (2007). See also a [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O5R_-0UO4fs video] of his reading and an [http://richarddawkins.net/article,928,Was-Muhammad-Epileptic,Christopher-Hitchens-Slate excerpt].

* You see, it's been our misfortune to have the wrong religion. Why didn't we have the religion of the Japanese, who regard sacrifice for the Fatherland as the highest good? The Mohammedan religion too would have been more compatible to us than Christianity. Why did it have to be Christianity with its meekness and flabbiness?
** Attributed to [[Adolf Hitler]], as quoted ''Inside the Third Reich : Memoirs'' by Albert Speer, p. 115.
* &quot;...It was in high school...My questions and doubts only multiplied as it became clear to me that the teachings of Islam were impossible to follow in everyday life. Do the faithful exercise free choice or their actions determined by divine will? This existential question tugged me constantly....It soon became clear to me no one could help me with my questions...&quot;
**[[Waleed Al-Husseini]] in [https://books.google.com/books?id=bzyCDwAAQBAJ&amp;lpg=PP1&amp;dq=%22The%20Right%20to%20Be%20an%20Ex-Muslim%22%20%22Ehsan%20Jami%22&amp;pg=PT13#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false The Blasphemer: The Price I Paid for Rejecting Islam, Arcade Publishing] 2015.

* &quot;...here lies the hypocrisy...although never call into question...they conceal extent of their thinking and the persecution they endured. All were hunted down, assassinated, hung or poisoned in the name of Islam. Why do we never learn this? Is Islam so fragile that it might crumble under the slightest criticism? Could God himself be afraid of words and debate?...&quot;   
**[[Waleed Al-Husseini]] in [https://books.google.com/books?id=bzyCDwAAQBAJ&amp;lpg=PP1&amp;dq=%22The%20Right%20to%20Be%20an%20Ex-Muslim%22%20%22Ehsan%20Jami%22&amp;pg=PT13#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false The Blasphemer: The Price I Paid for Rejecting Islam, Arcade Publishing] 2015.

===J===
* &quot;[[Religion of peace]]&quot; does not imply that Islam is a [[w:Islam and pacifism|paciﬁst religion]], that it rejects the use of [[Islam and violence|violence]] altogether, as either a [[moral]] or a [[metaphysical]] evil. &quot;Religion of peace&quot; connotes, rather, that Islam can countenance a state of permanent, peaceful coexistence with other [[nations]] and [[people]]s who are not Muslims...This position, I shall argue, is no more than the result of an objective application of principles of [[Islamic jurisprudence]] which no jurist or activist, medieval or modern, has claimed to reject.
** [[Sherman Jackson]], [https://lib.tcu.edu/staff/bellinger/rel-viol/Jackson_Jihad.pdf &quot;Jihad and the Modern World&quot;] (Spring–Summer 2002), ''Journal of Islamic Law and Culture''.

===K===
* Even a little knowledge of Islam will show that its religion is not only tolerant of other faiths, but most respectful, and, indeed, fully accepts the divine inspiration of all theistic faiths that came before Islam. It does not only teach tolerance to its followers, but goes a step further and enjoins on them all to create the godly quality of ''Hilm'', that is, tolerance, forbearance, patience, calmness, and forgiveness. It is due to the spirit of tolerance of Islam that even the smallest Christian and Jewish minorities survived and kept all their doctrines during the thousand years of Muslim rule. Nothing like what happened to Muslims in Spain after the Christian conquest has ever happened to a non-Muslim faith in any Islamic dominion.
** [[Aga Khan III]], ''Aga Khan III, Selected Speeches and Writings of Sir Sultan Muhammad Shah'', Edited by K.K. Aziz, Kegan Paul International, 1997, Vol II, pp 1282.

* There are many interpretations of Islam within the wider Islamic community, but generally we are instructed to leave the world a better place than it was when we came into it.
**[[Aga Khan IV‎‎]], in an interview with Robert Ivy (FAIA), in ''Architectural Record'' (31 August  2001).

* Islam is the religion of militant individuals who are committed to truth and justice. It is the religion of those who desire freedom and independence. It is the school of those who struggle against imperialism. But the servants of imperialism have presented Islam in a totally different light. They have created in men’s minds a false notion of Islam. The defective version of Islam, which they have presented in the religious teaching institution, is intended to deprive Islam of its vital, revolutionary aspect and to prevent Muslims from arousing themselves in order to gain their freedom, fulfill the ordinances of Islam, and create a government that will secure their happiness and allow them to live lives worthy of human beings.
** [[Ayatollah Khomeini]], ''Islam and Revolution, Writings and Declarations of Imam Khomeini,'' Translated and Annotated by Hamid Algar, Mizan Press, Berkley, pp. 28.

===L===
* The first thing that we are calling you to is Islam. The religion of the Unification of God; of freedom from associating partners with Him, and rejection of this; of complete love of Him, the Exalted; of complete submission to His Laws; and of the discarding of all the opinions, orders, theories and religions which contradict with the religion He sent down to His Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him). Islam is the religion of all the prophets, and makes no distinction between them - peace be upon them all. It is to this religion that we call you; the seal of all the previous religions. It is the religion of Unification of God, sincerity, the best of manners, righteousness, mercy, honour, purity, and piety. It is the religion of showing kindness to others, establishing justice between them, granting them their rights, and defending the oppressed and the persecuted. It is the religion of enjoining the good and forbidding the evil with the hand, tongue and heart. It is the religion of Jihad in the way of Allah so that Allah's Word and religion reign Supreme. And it is the religion of unity and agreement on the obedience to Allah, and total equality between all people, without regarding their colour, sex, or language. It is the religion whose book - the Quran - will remained preserved and unchanged, after the other Divine books and messages have been changed. The Quran is the miracle until the Day of Judgment. Allah has challenged anyone to bring a book like the Quran or even ten verses like it.
** [[Osama bin Laden]] from [http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2002/nov/24/theobserver Full text: bin Laden's 'letter to America']

* In most Muslim countries Islam is still the ultimate criterion of group identity and loyalty. It is Islam which distinguishes between self and other, between insider and outsider, between brother and stranger.
** [[Bernard Lewis]], [https://www.google.com/books/edition/_/Xql9DwAAQBAJ?hl=en ''The Political Language of Islam''], University Of Chicago Press, 2018, p. 4, ISBN 9780226220154.

* Islam is one of the world's great religions. Let me be explicit about what I, as a historian of Islam who is not a Muslim, mean by that. Islam has brought comfort and peace of mind to countless millions of men and women. It has given dignity and meaning to drab and impoverished lives. It has taught people of different races to live in brotherhood and people of different creeds to live side by side in reasonable tolerance. It inspired a great civilization in which others besides Muslims lived creative and useful lives and which, by its achievement, enriched the whole world. But Islam, like other religions, has also known periods when it inspired in some of its followers a mood of hatred and violence. It is our misfortune that part, though by no means all or even most, of the Muslim world is now going through such a period, and that much, though again not all, of that hatred is directed against us.
** [[Bernard Lewis]], [https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/1990/09/the-roots-of-muslim-rage/304643/ &quot;The Roots of Muslim Rage&quot;]. ''The Atlantic'' (September, 1990).

===M===
* America needs to understand Islam, because this is the one religion that erases from its society the race problem. Throughout my travels in the Muslim world, I have met, talked to, and even eaten with people who in America would have been considered white—but the white attitude was removed from their minds by the religion of Islam. I have never before seen sincere and true brotherhood practiced by all colors together, irrespective of their color. On this Hajj pilgrimage, what I have seen, and experienced, has forced me to re-arrange much of my thought-patterns previously held, and to toss aside some of my previous conclusions. This was not too difficult for me. Despite my firm convictions, I have always been a man who tries to face facts, and to accept the reality of life as new experience and new knowledge unfolds it. I have always kept an open mind, which is necessary to the flexibility that must go hand in hand with every form of intelligent search for truth. During the past eleven days here in the Muslim world, I have eaten from the same plate, drunk from the same glass, and slept in the same bed (or on the same rug)--while praying to the same God--with fellow Muslims, whose eyes were the bluest of blue, whose hair was the blondest of blond, and whose skin was the whitest of white. And in the words and in the actions in the deeds of the 'white' Muslims, I felt the same sincerity that I felt among the black African Muslims of Nigeria, Sudan, and Ghana. We were truly all the same (brothers)--because their belief in one God had removed the white from their minds, the white from their behavior, and the white from their attitude. I could see from this, that perhaps if white Americans could accept the Oneness of God, then perhaps, too, they could accept in reality the Oneness of Man--and cease to measure, and hinder, and harm others in terms of their 'differences' in color. With racism plaguing America like incurable cancer, the so-called 'Christian' white American heart should be more receptive to a proven solution to such a destructive problem. Perhaps it could be in time to save America from imminent disaster--the same destruction brought upon Germany by racism that eventually destroyed the Germans themselves.
** {{cite book|author=[[Malcolm X]]|title=The Autobiography of Malcolm X|year=1965|publisher=New York: The Random House Publishing Group|page=391}} ''Letter from Mecca''.

* I challenge anyone to understand Islam, its spirit, and not to love it. It is a beautiful religion of brotherhood and devotion.
** [[Yann Martel]], ''Life of Pi''.

*No other religion in history spread so rapidly as Islam . . . The West has widely believed that this surge of religion was made possible by the sword. But no modern scholar accepts that idea, and the Qur'an is explicit in support of the freedom of conscience.&quot; 
** [[James A. Michener]], ''Islam - The Misunderstood Religion'', Readers' Digest (American Edition) May 1955.

* Islam is a religion that is essentially rationalistic in the widest sense of this term considered etymologically and historically. The definition of rationalism as a system that bases religious beliefs on principles furnished by the reason applies to it exactly . . . It cannot be denied that many doctrines and systems of theology and also many superstitions, from the worship of saints to the use of rosaries and amulets, have become grafted on the main trunk of Muslim creed. But in spite of the rich developments, in every sense of the term, of the teachings of the Prophet, the Quran has invariable kept its place as the fundamental starting point, and the dogma of unity of God has always been proclaimed therein with a grandeur, a majesty, an invariable purity and with a note of sure conviction, which it is hard to find surpassed outside the pale of Islam. This fidelity to the fundamental dogma of the religion, the elemental simplicity of the formula in which it is enunciated, the proof that it gains from the fervid conviction of the missionaries who propagate it, are so many causes to explain the success of Muhammadan missionary efforts. A creed so precise, so stripped of all theological complexities and consequently so accessible to the ordinary understanding might be expected to possess and does indeed possess a marvelous power of winning its way into the consciences of men. 
** [[:w:de:Edouard Montet|Édouard Montet]], ''La Propagande chrétienne et ses adversaires musulmans, conférence faite à Genève et à Nîmes'', 1890; quoted by T.W. Arnold in ''The Preaching of Islam'', London, 1913, pp. 413-414.

*Some, indeed, dream of an Islam in the future, rationalised and regenerate. All this has been tried already, and has miserably failed. The Koran has so encrusted the religion in a hard unyielding casement of ordinances and social laws, that if the shell be broken the life is gone. A rationalistic Islam would be Islam no longer. The contrast between our own faith and Islam is most remarkable. There are in our Scriptures living germs of truth, which accord with civil and religious liberty, and will expand with advancing civilisation. In Islam it is just the reverse. The Koran has no such teaching as with us has abolished polygamy, slavery, and arbitrary divorce, and has elevated woman to her proper place. As a Reformer, Mahomet did advance his people to a certain point, but as a Prophet he left them fixed immovably at that point for all time to come. The tree is of artificial planting. Instead of containing within itself the germ of growth and adaptation to the various requirements of time and clime and circumstance, expanding with the genial sunshine and rain from heaven, it remains the same forced and stunted thing as when first planted some twelve centuries ago.
** [[William Muir]], Taken from the Rede Lecture he delivered at Cambridge in 1881) Asia. 2d ed., rev. and corrected. Published 1909 by E. Stanford in London. Page 458

===N===
* It was the first religion that preached and practiced democracy; for, in the mosque, when the call for prayer is sounded and worshippers are gathered together, the democracy of Islam is embodied five times a day when the peasant and king kneel side by side and proclaim: &quot;God Alone is Great.&quot; I have been struck over and over again by this indivisible unity of Islam that makes man instinctively a brother.
** [[Sarojini Naidu]], ''Ideals of Islam'', Speeches and Writings, Madaras, 1918.

* Sense of justice is one of the most wonderful ideals of Islam, because as I read in the Qur'an I find those dynamic principles of life, not mystic but practical ethics for the daily conduct of life suited to the whole world. 
** [[Sarojini Naidu]], ''The Ideals of Islam'', 1918, p. 167.

* All religions basically exhort mankind to be righteous and eschew evil. But Islam goes beyond that. It guides us towards practical ways of achieving righteousness and eliminating evil from our individual and collective lives. Islam takes into account human nature and the complexities of human society. Islam is guidance from the Creator Himself. Therefore, Islam is also called the Deenul-Fitrah (the natural religion of Man).
** [[Zakir Naik]], in ''[https://www.amazon.com/Most-Common-Questions-Asked-Muslims/dp/9675699299 Most Common Questions Asked by the non-Muslims]'', p. 43

* Were the books of Islam all to be lost, excepting only the Ihya' (a book written by [[Abu Hamid al-Ghazali|al-Ghazali]]), it would suffice to replace them all.
**{{w|Al-Nawawi}}, Joseph E. B. Lumbard, ''Islam, Fundamentalism, and the Betrayal of Tradition: Essays by Western Muslim Scholars'', p. 291. {{ISBN|0941532607}}.

===O===
* History makes it clear, however, that the legend of fanatical Muslims sweeping through the world and forcing Islam at the point of the sword upon conquered races, is one of the most fantastically absurd myths that historians have ever repeated.
** [[De Lacy O'Leary]], [https://archive.org/details/in.ernet.dli.2015.233606 ''Islam at the Crossroads''], K. Paul, Trench, Trubner &amp; Company, Limited, 1923, p. 8. Quoted by {{w|Fazlur Rahman Ansari}} in [https://archive.org/details/the-quranic-foundations-and-structure-of-muslim-society/The%20Qur%E2%80%99anic%20Foundations%20and%20Structure%20of%20Muslim%20Society%20%28Volume%201%20Book%201%29%20by%20Dr.%20Muhammad%20Fazl-Ur-Rahman%20Ansari/ ''The Qur'anic Foundations and Structure of Muslim Society''] (1973), p. 35.

===P===
* Every national church or religion has established itself by pretending some special mission from God, communicated to certain individuals. The Jews have their Moses; the Christians their Jesus Christ, their apostles and saints; and the Turks their Mahomet; as if the way to God was not open to every man alike. &lt;br/&gt; Each of those churches shows certain books, which they call ''revelation'', or the Word of God. The Jews say that their Word of God was given by God to Moses face to face; the Christians say, that their Word of God came by divine inspiration; and the Turks say, that their Word of God (the Koran) was brought by an angel from heaven. Each of those churches accuses the other of unbelief; and, for my own part, I disbelieve them all.
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[s:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794).

* ...the religiosity of Muslims deserves respect. It is impossible not to admire, for example, their fidelity to prayer. The image of believers in Allah (God) who, without caring about time or place, fall to their knees and immerse themselves in prayer remains a model for all those who invoke the true God, in particular for those Christians who, having deserted their magnificent cathedrals, pray only a little or not at all.
** [[Pope John Paul II]], Vatican City, ''Relation of the Church with Non-Christian Religions''.

===Q===
* It is not the intention of Islam to force its beliefs on people, but Islam is not merely ‘belief’. As we have pointed out, Islam is a declaration of the freedom of man from servitude to other men. Thus it strives from the beginning to abolish all those systems and governments which are based on the rule of man over men and the servitude of one human being to another. When Islam releases people from this political pressure and presents to them its spiritual message, appealing to their reason, it gives them complete freedom to accept or not to accept its beliefs. 
** {{cite book|author=[[Sayyid Qutb]]|title=Ma'alim fi'l-Tariq (Milestones)|publisher=Maktabah Booksellers and Publishers|page=70}}

===R===
* If the people of this religion [Islam] are asked about the proof for the soundness of their religion, they flare up, get angry and spill the blood of whoever confronts them with this question. They forbid rational speculation, and strive to kill their adversaries. This is why truth became thoroughly silenced and concealed. ... You claim that the evidentiary miracle is present and available, namely, the Koran. You say: &quot;Whoever denies it, let him produce a similar one.&quot; Indeed, we shall produce a thousand similar, from the works of rhetoricians, eloquent speakers and valiant poets, which are more appropriately phrased and state the issues more succinctly. They convey the meaning better and their rhymed prose is in better meter. ... By God what you say astonishes us! You are talking about a work which recounts ancient myths, and which at the same time is full of contradictions and does not contain any useful information or explanation. Then you say: &quot;Produce something like it&quot;?!
** Attributed to {{w|Rhazes|Abu Bakr Muhammad al-Razi}}, in:  Jennifer Michael Hecht - ''Doubt: A History: The Great Doubters and Their Legacy of Innovation from Socrates and Jesus to Thomas Jefferson and Emily Dickinson'' (pg. 227-230) - HarperOne, September 7, 2004, ISBN 9780060097950

*Given that the majority of Americans have never met a Muslim and know little of Islam makes them vulnerable to a false national narrative about Muslims...  Islam calls people to promote peace. Even when someone harms us, Islam teaches, we are to respond to hate with love. Sadly, people of all wisdom traditions fail to live up to their teachings. Rejecting collective blame for the actions of a few, let us work together for a peaceful future based on mutual respect and compassion.  [[Shariah]] is a term for Islamic teachings like caring for parents, feeding the hungry and obeying the law of the land in which you live. In the United States, this means obeying the US Constitution. Those who seek to “ban Shariah” are tearing down our constitutional rights. Fourteen states in have passed anti-Muslim bills, adding institutional and structural force to bigotry and taking away the rights of Muslims and Jews to seek court-authorized mediation. Standing for the rights of religious minorities is how we protect the rights we all enjoy.
**[https://religionnews.com/2020/02/25/facts-over-fear-campaign-releasing-islam-and-peace-and-what-is-shariah/ Facts Over Fear Campaign: Releasing 'Islam and Peace' and 'What is Shariah?  Countering the false witness against our American Muslim neighbors, ''Religious News Service''], (25 February 2020)

* Wherever the Mohammedans have had complete sway, wherever the Christians have been unable to resist them by the sword, Christianity has ultimately disappeared. From the hammer of Charles Martel to the sword of Sobieski, Christianity owed its safety in Europe to the fact that it was able to show that it could and would fight as well as the Mohammedan aggressor.
** [[Theodore Roosevelt]], ''Fear God and Take Your Own Part'' (1916), p. 70

* For a vast number of &quot;believing&quot; Muslim men, &quot;Islam&quot; stands, in a jumbled, half-examined way, not only for the fear of God -- the fear more than the love, one suspects -- but also for a cluster of customs, opinions and prejudices that include their dietary practices; the sequestration or near-sequestration of &quot;their&quot; women; the sermons delivered by their mullahs of choice; a loathing of modern society in general, riddled as it is with music, godlessness and sex; and a more particularized loathing (and fear) of the prospect that their own immediate surroundings could be taken over -- &quot;Westoxicated&quot; -- by the liberal Western-style way of life.
** [[Salman Rushdie]], &quot;Yes, This Is About Islam&quot;, November, 2001

* {{w|Bolshevism}} combines the characteristics of the French Revolution with those of the rise of Islam. … Among religions, Bolshevism is to be reckoned with Mohammedanism rather than with Christianity and Buddhism. Christianity and Buddhism are primarily personal religions, with mystical doctrines and a love of contemplation. Mohammedanism and Bolshevism are practical, social, unspiritual, concerned to win the empire of the world.
** [[Bertrand Russell]], &quot;The Practice and Theory of Bolshevism&quot;, (London, 1920), pp. 5, 114-115 

* The beliefs appropriate to the impulse of aggression may be seen in Bernhardi, or in the early Mohammedan conquerors, or, in full perfection, in the Book of Joshua. There is first of all a conviction of the superior excellence of one's own group, a certainty that they are in some sense the chosen people. This justifies the feeling that only the good and evil of one's own group is of real importance, and that the rest of the world is to be regarded merely as material for the triumph or salvation of the higher race. In modern politics this attitude is embodied in imperialism.
** [[Bertrand Russell]], Why men fight: a Method of Abolishing the International Duel.

* It was the duty of the faithful to conquer as much of the world as possible for Islam. ... The Arabs, although they conquered a great part of the world in the name of a new religion were not a very religious race; the motive of their conquests was plunder and wealth rather than religion.
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''The History of Western Philosophy'', Book Two, Part 2, Chapter X: Mohammedan Culture

* From India to Spain, the brilliant civilization of Islam flourished. What was lost to Christendom at this time was not lost to civilization, but quite the contrary… To us it seems that West-European civilization is civilization; but this is a narrow view.&quot;
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''History of Western Philosophy'', London, 1948, p. 419]

===S===
* Islam was not a torch, as has been claimed, but an extinguisher. Conceived in a barbarous brain for the use of a barbarous people, it was — and it remains — incapable of adapting itself to civilization. Wherever it has dominated, it has broken the impulse towards progress and checked the evolution of society.
** Islam is Christianity adapted to Arab mentality, or, more exactly, it is all that the unimaginative brain of a Bedouin, obstinately faithful to ancestral practices, has been able to assimilate of the Christian doctrines. Lacking the gift of imagination, the Bedouin copies, and in copying he distorts the original. Thus Musulman law is only the Roman Code revised and corrected by Arabs; in the same way Musulman science is nothing but Greek science interpreted by the Arab brain; and again, Musulman architecture is merely a distorted imitation of the Byzantine style.
** {{w|Andre Servier}}, ''L’islam et la psychologie du musulman'' (1923).

* Islam is very different, being ferociously intolerant. What I may call Manifold Monotheism becomes in the minds of very simple folk an absurdly polytheistic idolatry, just as European peasants not only worship Saints and the Virgin as Gods, but will fight fanatically for their faith in the ugly little black doll who is the Virgin of their own Church against the black doll of the next village. When the Arabs had run this sort of idolatry to such extremes [that] they did this without black dolls and worshipped any stone that looked funny, Mahomet rose up at the risk of his life and insulted the stones shockingly, declaring that there is only one God, Allah, the glorious, the great, and pinning himself to the second Commandment that no man should dare make a graven image of Allah or any of his creatures. And there was to be no nonsense about toleration. You accepted Allah or you had your throat cut by someone who did accept him, and who went to Paradise for having sent you to Hell.
** [[George Bernard Shaw]], in a letter to the Reverend Ensor Walters (1933), as quoted in &quot;[http://books.google.co.uk/books/about/Bernard_Shaw_Collected_Letters_1926_1950.html?id=0pVZAAAAYAAJ&amp;redir_esc=y Bernard Shaw : Collected Letters, 1926-1950]&quot; (1988), p. 322-3

* The rise of Islam is perhaps the most amazing event in human history. Springing from a land and a people like previously negligible, Islam spread within a century over half the earth, shattering great empires, overthrowing long established religions, remolding the souls of races, and building up a whole new world - world of Islam. The closer we examine this development the more extraordinary does it appear. The other great religions won their way slowly, by painful struggle and finally triumphed with the aid of powerful monarchs who converted to the new faith. Christianity had its Constantine, Buddhism its Asoka, and Zoroastrianism its Cyrus, each lending to his chosen cult the mighty force of secular authority. Not so Islam. Arising in a desert land sparsely inhabited by a nomad race previously undistinguished in human annals, Islam sallied forth on its great adventure with the slenderest human backing and against the heaviest material odds. Yet Islam triumphed with seemingly miraculous ease, and a couple of generations saw the Fiery Crescent borne victorious from the Pyrenees to the Himalayas and from the desert of Central Asia to the deserts of Central Africa.
** {{w|Lothrop Stoddard}} quoted in ''The New World of Islam'', Charles Scribner's Sons, p.3.

* The trouble with Islam is deeply rooted in its teachings. Islam is not only a religion. Islam (is) also a political ideology that preaches violence and applies its agenda by force. 
** [[Wafa Sultan]], cited in: N. C. Munson, Noel Carroll. ''If You Can Keep It,'' Allen-Ayers Books, 2010, p. 215

* Islam has never been misunderstood. Islam is the problem. But no one is stating the truth. No one is taking a hard look at the root of terrorism which is the brain washing machine called Islam. Islam is not up to me, is not up to any Muslim – man or woman. Islam is exactly what the prophet Muhammad did and said. In order to understand Islam you have to read the biography of Muhammad. It is very traumatising. It is very shocking. He married his second wife when she was six years old. He was over fifty. [...] His third wife was Sophia. She was a Jewish woman. It was well documented, well written in our school books that he attacked her tribe. He killed her father, her brother, and her husband. At the same day, he slept with her. That's what I call Islam.
** [[Wafa Sultan]], speech at Restoration Weekend, Palm Beach, Florida 2007 [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=up3yuQDAWKQ]

* You need to understand that Islam is the problem. I am sick and tired of people here in the West asking me to soften my message. I am sick and tired of people asking me, &quot;Are you trying to change 1.3 billion people?&quot; Yes, I am trying!
** [[Wafa Sultan]], speech at Restoration Weekend, 2007

===T===
* It is easy to understand why this reformed Judaism spread so swiftly over Africa and Asia. The African and Syrian doctors had substituted abstruse metaphysical dogmas for the religion of Christ : they tried to combat the licentiousness of the age by setting forth the celestial merit of celibacy and the angelic excellence of virginity — seclusion from the world was the road of holiness, dirt was the characteristic of monkish sanctity — the people were practically polytheists, worshipping a crowd of martyrs, saints and angels; the upper classes were effeminate and corrupt, the middle classes oppressed by taxation, the slaves without hope for the present or the future. As with the besom of God, Islam swept away this mass of corruption and superstition. It was a revolt against empty theological polemics; it was a masculine protest against the exaltation of celibacy as a crown of piety. It brought out the fundamental dogmas of religion — the unity and greatness of God, that He is merciful and righteous, that He claims obedience to His will, resignation and faith. It proclaimed the responsibility of man, a future life, a day of judgment, and stern retribution to fall upon the wicked; and enforced the duties of prayer, almsgiving, fasting and benevolence. It thrust aside the artificial virtues, the religious frauds and follies, the perverted moral sentiments, and the verbal subtleties of theological disputants. It replaced monkishness by manliness. It gave hope to the slave, brotherhood to mankind, and recognition to the fundamental facts of human nature.
** {{w|Isaac Taylor (priest)|Isaac Taylor}}, paper read before the Church Congress at Wolverhampton, Oct. 7, 1887. Quoted by [[w:Thomas Walker Arnold|Thomas Walker Arnold]], in [https://archive.org/details/preachingofislam00arno ''The Preaching of Islam:''], pp. 71-72

* The extinction of race consciousness as between Muslims is one of the outstanding moral achievements of Islam, and in the contemporary world there is, as it happens, a crying need for the propagation of this Islamic virtue.
** [[Arnold Joseph Toynbee]], [https://archive.org/details/in.ernet.dli.2015.185313 ''Civilization on Trial''], Oxford University Press, 1948, p. 205.

===V===
* Your religion, although it has some good points, such as worship of the great Being, and the necessity of being just and charitable, is otherwise nothing but a rehash of Judaism and a tedious collection of fairy tales.
** [[Voltaire]], Reason in ''[http://history.hanover.edu/texts/voltaire/volreaso.html The Philosophical Dictionary]'' selected and translated by H.I. Woolf (1924)

===W===
* I am not a Muslim in the usual sense, though I hope I am a Muslim as &quot;one surrendered to God&quot;, but I believe that embedded in the Quran and other expressions of the Islamic vision are vast stores of divine truth from which I and other occidentals have still much to learn, and Islam is certainly a strong contender for the supplying of the basic framework of the one religion of the future.
** [[William Montgomery Watt|W. Montgomery Watt]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=4YlTAQAAQBAJ&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;hl=fr&amp;source=gbs_ge_summary_r&amp;cad=0#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false ''Islam and Christianity Today: A Contribution to Dialogue''], Routledge Library Editions, 1983, p. ix.

* The Islamic teachings have left great traditions for equitable and gentle dealings and behavior, and inspire people with nobility and tolerance. These are human teachings of the highest order and at the same time practicable. These teachings brought into existence a society in which hard-heartedness and collective oppression and injustice were the least as compared with all other societies preceding it….Islam is replete with gentleness, courtesy, and fraternity.” 
** [[H. G. Wells]], ''The Outline of History'', London, 1920.

* From a new angle and with a fresh vigour, Islam took up that systematic development of positive knowledge which the Greeks had begun and relinquished. If the Greek was the father, then the Arab was the foster-father of the scientific method of dealing with reality, that is to say, by absolute frankness, the utmost simplicity of statement and explanation, exact record and exhaustive criticism. Through the Arabs it was, and not by the Latin route, that the modem world received that gift of light and power. 
** [[H. G. Wells]], ''The Outline of History'', London, 1920.

*Islam is much more than a formal religion: it is an integral way of life. In many ways it is a more determining factor in the experience of its followers than any other world religion. The Muslim (&quot;one who submits&quot;) lives face to face with God at all times and will introduce no separation between his life and his religion, his politics and his faith. With its strong emphasis on the brotherhood of men cooperating to fulfill the will of God, Islam has become one of the most influential religions in the world today.
** John Alden Williams, ''Islam'', George Braziller, 1962.

===Y===

==''[[Quran]]''==
:&lt;small&gt;[[Wikisource:Quran|''The Quran'' on Wikisource]]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Logo for ((HAVATO DARAM)) facebook page- A page about addiction and cures for Iranians in Persian language- 2014-02-12 03-41.jpg|thumb|God forbids you not [[respecting]] those who [[fight]] you not for religion, nor drive you forth from your [[homes]], that you show them [[kindness]] and deal with them justly. Surely, God [[loves]] the doers of [[justice]].]]

* And establish prayers, give obligatory charity, and whatever good deeds you send ahead for yourselves; you shall find it with God. Surely, God is All-Seeing of what you do.
** [[Quran]] 2:110

* And this was the legacy that Abraham left to his sons, and so did [[Jacob]]; &quot;Oh my sons! God had chosen the religion for you; so die not unless in the Faith of Islam.&quot; 
** [[w:Al-Baqara|Quran 2:132]]

* Say: &quot;We believe in God, and in what has been revealed to us and what was revealed to [[Abraham]], [[Ishmael]], [[Isaac]], [[Jacob]], and the Tribes, and in (scriptures) given to [[Moses]], [[Jesus]], and the [[prophets]], from their [[Lord]]. We make no distinction between one and another among them, and to God do we bow our will.&quot; If anyone desires a religion other than Islam, never will it be accepted of him; and in the Hereafter he will be in the ranks of distressed ones.
** [[w:Ali-Imran|Quran 3:84-85]]

* Forbidden to you (for food) are: dead meat, blood, the flesh of swine, and that on which hath been invoked the name of other than Allah; that which hath been killed by strangling, or by a violent blow, or by a headlong fall, or by being gored to death; that which hath been (partly) eaten by a wild animal; unless ye are able to slaughter it (in due form); that which is sacrificed on stone (altars); (forbidden) also is the division (of meat) by raffling with arrows: that is impiety. This day have those who reject faith given up all hope of your religion: yet fear them not but fear Me. '''This day have I perfected your religion for you, completed My favour upon you, and have chosen for you Islam as your religion.''' But if any is forced by hunger, with no inclination to transgression, Allah is indeed Oft-forgiving, Most Merciful.
** [[w:Verse of Ikmal al-Din|Quran 5:3]]

* For this reason We prescribed for the Children of Israel that '''whoever kills a person, unless it be for man-slaughter or for mischief in the land, it is as though he had killed all men. And whoever saves a life, it is as though he had saved the lives of all men.''' And certainly Our messengers came to them with clear arguments, but even after that many of them commit excesses in the land. 
** [[w:Al-Maida|Quran 5:32]]

* Indeed, I am God. There is no deity except Me, so worship Me and establish prayer for My remembrance. I am about to make it manifest -- so that every soul may be rewarded as it strives. So do not let one avert you from it who does not believe in it and follows his desire, for you [then] would perish.  
** [[w:Ta Ha|Quran 20:14-16]]

* O ye who believe ! bow down and adore, and serve your Lord, and do well, that ye may prosper; and strive hard for God, as is His due. '''He has elected you, and has not put upon you any hindrance by your religion, — the faith of your father [[Abraham]]. He has named you [[Muslim|Muslims]] before''' and in this (book) that the Apostle may be a witness against you, and that ye may be witnesses against men. Be ye then steadfast in prayer, and give alms, and hold fast by God; He is your Sovereign, and an excellent Sovereign, and an excellent Helper ! 
** [[w:Al-Hajj|Quran 22:77-78]]

* God forbids you not respecting those who fight you not for religion, nor drive you forth from your homes, that you show them kindness and deal with them justly. Surely God loves the doers of justice. God forbids you only respecting those who fight you for religion, and drive you forth from your homes and help in your expulsion, that you make friends of them; and whoever makes friends of them, these are the wrongdoers. 
** [[w:Al-Mumtahanah|Quran 60:8-9]]

==See also==
* [[Muslim]]
* [[Muslim world]]
* [[Muhammad]]
* [[Sahaba]]
* [[Qur'an]]
* [[Sufism]]
* [[Islam and Christianity]]
* [[Farewell Sermon]]

==External links==
{{Similarlinks}}

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      <text bytes="62296" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Islamic-Architecture.jpg|thumb|Indeed, I am [[God]]. There is no [[deity]] except Me, so [[worship]] Me and establish [[prayer]] for My [[remembrance]]. Verily, [[Last_Judgment#Islam|the Hour]] is coming but I am about to make it manifest so that every [[soul]] may be [[rewarded]] as it [[strive|strives]]. So do not let one avert you from it who does not [[believe]] in it and follows his (low) [[desire]], for you (then) would [[perish]]. ~ [[Quran]]]]
[[File:Quran cover.jpg|thumb|This [[day]] have I [[perfected]] your religion for you, [[completed]] My [[favour]] upon you, and have [[chosen]] for you Islam as your [[religion]]. ~ [[Quran]]]]
'''[[w:Islam|Islam]]''' is an [[w:Abrahamic|Abrahamic]] [[Monotheism|monotheistic]] [[religion]] originating with [[Muhammad]] and centered on the religious text known as the ''[[Qur'an]]''. It is the [[w:major religious groups|world's second-largest religion]] and the fastest-growing major religion in the world, with an estimated 1.8 billion adherents (as of 2017), known as [[Muslim]]s. Linguistically, Islam means &quot;submission to God&quot;, referring to the total surrender of one's self to [[w:God in Islam|God]] (Arabic: [[Allah|الله, Allāh]]), and a [[w:Muslim|Muslim]] is &quot;one who submits to God&quot;.
__NOTOC__
{{TOCalpha|''[[#Quran|Quran]]''}}

== Quotes ==
[[File:Supplicating Pilgrim at Masjid Al Haram. Mecca, Saudi Arabia.jpg|thumb|right|And establish prayer and give obligatory [[charity]], and whatever [[good]] you put forward for [[yourselves]] - you will find it with [[Allah]]. Indeed, Allah is well [[Seeing]] of what you [[do]]. ~ [[Quran]]]]
[[File:Khidr.jpg|thumb|There are many interpretations of Islam within the wider Islamic community, but generally we are instructed to leave the [[world]] a better place than it was when we came into it. ~ [[Aga Khan IV‎‎]]]]
[[File:DSC00865-Пано копия копия.jpg|thumb|Islam appears to me like a perfect work of architecture. All its parts are harmoniously conceived to complement and support each other; nothing is superfluous and nothing lacking, with the result of an absolute balance and solid composure. ~ [[Muhammad Asad]]]]

===A===
* Islam is often seen as a monolith, when it is as diverse as any other tradition, with followers running the gamut from modernizers to traditionalists.  Some commentators talk as if the world of Islam was more or less identical with the Arab world -- whereas in fact a majority of Muslims are not native Arabic speakers.  The most populous Muslim countries are to be found in non-Arab Asia -- from Indonesia through South-East and South Asia to Central Asia, Iran, and Turkey, which of course is both in Asia and Europe.  There are many predominantly Muslim countries in sub-Saharan Africa, and large minorities of Muslims are to be found on every continent.
** [[Kofi Annan]] — [https://www.un.org/press/en/2004/sgsm9637.doc.htm &quot;Secretary-General, addressing Headquarters Seminar on confronting Islamophobia, stresses importance of leadership, two-way integration, dialogue&quot;] (7 December 2004)

* Islam is a religion of success. Unlike Christianity, which has as its main image, in the West at least, a man dying in a devastating, disgraceful, helpless death… Muhammed was not an apparent failure. He was a dazzling success, politically as well as spiritually, and Islam went from strength to strength to strength. 
** [[Karen Armstrong]], [http://www.pbs.org/moyers/faithandreason/print/armstrong_print.html &quot;Bill Moyers Interviews Karen Armstrong on NOW&quot;], PBS, March 1, 2002.

* In the hours of its political degradation, Islam has achieved some of its most brilliant spiritual conquests: on two great historical occasions, infidel barbarians have set their feet on the necks of the followers of the Prophet, - the Saljūq Turks in the eleventh and the Mongols in the thirteenth century,- and in each case the conquerors have accepted the religion of the conquered. Unaided also by the temporal power, Muslim missionaries have carried their faith into Central Africa, China and the East India Islands.
** [[Thomas Walker Arnold]], [https://archive.org/details/preachingofislam00arno ''The Preaching of Islam: a History of the Propagation of the Muslim Faith''], 2nd ed. (London: Constable and Co. Ltd, 1913), p. 2.

* Islam appears to me like a perfect work of architecture. All its parts are harmoniously conceived to complement and support each other; nothing is superfluous and nothing lacking, with the result of an absolute balance and solid composure. Probably this feeling that everything in the teachings and postulates of Islam is &quot;in its proper place&quot; has created the strongest impression on me.
** [[Muhammad Asad]], [https://www.google.com/books/edition/_/KFI1YmKMDdkC?hl=en ''Islam at the Crossroads''], Preface to the first 1934 edition.

* Even before accepting the religion of the Arabs, the Turks were a great nation. After accepting the religion of the Arabs, this religion, didn't effect to combine the Arabs, the Persians and Egyptians with the Turks to constitute a nation. (This religion) rather, loosened the national nexus of Turkish nation, got national excitement numb. This was very natural. Because the purpose of the religion founded by Muhammad, over all nations, was to drag to an including Arab national politics.
** [[Mustafa Kemal Atatürk]], as quoted in ''Medenî Bilgiler ve M. Kemal Atatürk'ün El Yazıları'' [''Civics and M. Kemal Atatürk's Manuscripts''] (1998) by Afet İnan, p. 364

* Islam is a [[religion]] of continuous personal and {{w|societal reform}} through [[disciplined]] [[worship]].
** [[Mahmoud M. Ayoub]], {{cite book |title=Islam: Faith and History |date=2013 |publisher=Simon and Schuster |isbn=978-1-78074-452-0 |page=57 |url=https://books.google.com/books?id=Lhy9DwAAQBAJ&amp;pg=PT57}}

===B===
* It is the nature of Islam to dominate, not to be dominated, to impose its law on all nations and to extend its power to the entire planet.
** Attributed to [[Hassan Banna]] by [[Mitt Romney]] in ''[[w:No Apology|No Apology: The Case for American Greatness]]'' (March 2, 2010), [https://books.google.com/books?id=PDpBpo5CVB4C Page 67], and by the {{w|Jewish Virtual Library}} in ''[https://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/the-muslim-brotherhood Terrorism: Muslim Brotherhood]''.

* Islam has a total organization of life that is completely different from ours; it embraces simply everything. ... There is a very marked subordination of woman to man; there is a very tightly knit criminal law, indeed, a law regulating all areas of life, that is opposed to our modern ideas about society. One has to have a clear understanding that it is not simply a denomination that can be included in the free realm of a pluralistic society.
** [[Benedict XVI]], 1997 interview with German journalist Peter Seewald, quoted in [http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2006/sep/20/20060920-123849-8040r/ &quot;Tough-talking pope has history with Muslims, refuses to give in&quot;, ''The Washington Times'' (20 September 2006)].

* I often think that [[woman]] is more [[free]] in Islam than in [[Christianity]]. Woman is more [[protected]] by Islam than by the [[faith]] which preaches Monogamy. In Al-Quran the [[law]] about woman is more just and liberal. It is only in the last twenty years that Christian England, has recognized the right of woman to [[property]], while Islam has allowed this right from all times.
** [[Annie Besant]], ''The Life and Teachings of Muhammad'', Madras, 1932, pp. 25, 26.

* Islam, from among all religions, best suits the science discoveries and is the most ready to edify souls and force them to abide by justice, kindness and toleration.
** [[Gustave Le Bon]], ''The World of Islamic Civilization'' (''La Civilisation des Arabes'', 1884).

* Islam first came before the world as a doubly totalitarian system. It claimed to impose itself on the whole world and it claimed also, by the divinely appointed Muhammadan law, by the principles of the ''fiqh'', to regulate down to the smallest details the whole life of the Islamic community and of every individual believer. ... [T]he study of Muhammadan law (dry and forbidding though it may appear to those who confine themselves to the indispensable study of the ''fiqh'') is of great importance to the world today.
** {{W|Georges-Henri Bousquet}}, &quot;Islamic Law and Customary Law in French North Africa,&quot; ''Journal of Comparative Legislation and International Law'' (1950): 65. Fiqh

===C===
* At the heart of Islam is its preservation of an integral view of the Universe. Islam - like Buddhism and Hinduism - refuses to separate man and nature, religion and science, mind and matter, and has preserved a metaphysical and unified view of ourselves and the world around us.
** [[Charles, Prince of Wales]], [https://www.princeofwales.gov.uk/speech/speech-hrh-prince-wales-titled-islam-and-west-oxford-centre-islamic-studies-sheldonian Islam and the West] at the [[w:Oxford Centre for Islamic Studies|Oxford Centre for Islamic Studies]] (27 October 1993).

* There is in Islam a paradox which is perhaps a permanent menace. The great creed born in the desert creates a kind of ecstasy of the very emptiness of its own land, and even, one may say, out of the emptiness of its own theology... A void is made in the heart of Islam which has to be filled up again and again by a mere repetition of the revolution that founded it. There are no sacraments; the only thing that can happen is a sort of Armageddon, as unique as the end of the world; so the Armageddon can only be repeated and the world end again and again. There are no priests; and yet this equality can only breed a multitude if lawless prophets almost as numerous as priests. The very dogma that there is only one Mahomet produces an endless procession of Mahomets.
** [[G. K. Chesterton]], &quot;[http://www.gkc.org.uk/gkc/books/25795-h/25795-h.htmLord Kitchener]&quot;, (1917) p. 8

* How dreadful are the curses which Mohammedanism lays on its votaries! Besides the fanatical frenzy, which is as dangerous in a man as hydrophobia in a dog, there is this fearful fatalistic apathy. The effects are apparent in many countries. Improvident habits, slovenly systems of agriculture, sluggish methods of commerce, and insecurity of property exist wherever the followers of the Prophet rule or live. A degraded sensualism deprives this life of its grace and refinement; the next of its dignity and sanctity. The fact that in Mohammedan law every woman must belong to some man as his absolute property must delay the final extinction of slavery until the faith of Islam has ceased to be a great power among men. Individual Moslems may show splendid qualities. Thousands become the brave and loyal soldiers of the Queen; all know how to die; but the influence of the religion paralyses the social development of those who follow it. No stronger retrograde force exists in the world. Far from being moribund, Mohammedanism is a militant and proselytizing faith. It has already spread throughout Central Africa, raising fearless warriors at every step; and were it not that Christianity is sheltered in the strong arms of science the civilisation of modern Europe might fall, as fell the civilisation of ancient Rome.
** [[Winston Churchill]], ''The River War'' (1899), first edition, Vol. II, p. 248.

===D===
* It's almost impossible to say anything against Islam in this country, because you are accused of being racist or Islamophobic.
** [[Richard Dawkins]], 2008 comment quoted in [http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1301750/Fury-Richard-Dawkinss-burka-jibe-atheist-tells-revulsion-Muslim-dress.html &quot;Fury over Richard Dawkins's burka jibe as atheist tells of his 'visceral revulsion' at Muslim dress&quot;, ''Daily Mail'' (10 August 2010)]

* It's tempting to say all religions are bad, and I do say all religions are bad, but it's a worse temptation to say all religions are equally bad because they're not. If you look at the actual impact that different religions have on the world it's quite apparent that at present the most evil religion in the world has to be Islam. It's terribly important to modify that because of course that doesn't mean all Muslims are evil, very far from it. Individual Muslims suffer more from Islam than anyone else. They suffer from the homophobia, the misogyny, the joylessness which is preached by extreme Islam, Isis and the Iranian regime. So it is a major evil in the world, we do have to combat it, but we don't do what Trump did and say all Muslims should be shut out of the country. That's draconian, that's {{w|illiberal}}, inhumane and wicked. I am against Islam not least because of the unpleasant effects it has on the lives of Muslims.
** [[Richard Dawkins]], as quoted in [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/2017/06/11/richard-dawkins-religious-education-crucial-british-schoolchildren/ &quot;Richard Dawkins: religious education is crucial for British schoolchildren&quot;] by Sarah Knapton, ''The Telegraph'' (11 June 2017)

*[[Middle Ages|Medieval]] Islam was technologically advanced and open to innovation. It achieved far higher literacy rates than in contemporary Europe; it assimilated the legacy of classical Greek civilization to such a degree that many classical books are now known to us only through Arabic copies. It invented windmills, trigonometry, lateen sails and made major advances in [[metallurgy]], mechanical and chemical engineering and irrigation methods. In the middle-ages, the flow of technology was overwhelmingly from Islam to Europe rather from Europe to Islam. Only after the 1500s did the net direction of flow begin to reverse.&quot; 
** [[Jared Diamond]], a world-renowned UCLA sociologist, and physiologist, author of Pulitzer Prize-winning book &quot;Guns, Germs, and Steel.&quot;, p. 253.

===E===

*“These descriptions are very ugly, it is offensive and an insult to our religion. There is no moderate or immoderate Islam. Islam is Islam and that’s it.” 
**Recep Tayyip Erdoğan,  [https://www.theblaze.com/contributions/islam-what-lies-ahead-for-the-next-thousand-years]  [https://www.jewishpress.com/indepth/columns/fuchs-focus/islam/2015/01/14/]

* Islam cannot be either ‘moderate’ or ‘not moderate.’ Islam can only be one thing.
** [[Recep Tayyip Erdoğan]], as quoted in [http://www.hurriyetdailynews.com/erdogan-criticizes-saudi-crown-princes-moderate-islam-pledge-122262 &quot;Erdoğan criticizes Saudi Crown Prince’s ‘moderate Islam’ pledge&quot;] in ''hurriyetdailynews.com'' (November 9 2017)

* Islam stands in a long line of Semitic, prophetic religious traditions that share an uncompromising monotheism, and belief in God's revelation, His prophets, ethical responsibility and accountability, and the Day of Judgement. Indeed, Muslims, like Christians and Jews, are the Children of Abraham, since all trace their communities back to him. Islam's historic religious and political relationship to Christendom and Judaism has remained strong throughout history. This interaction has been the source of mutual benefit.
** [[John Esposito|John L. Esposito]], [https://www.google.com/books/edition/_/TALYAAAAMAAJ?hl=en''Islam, The Straight Path''], New York/Oxford: Oxford University Press (1st edition), 1988, pp. 3-4.

* [B]laming Islam is a simple answer, easier and less controversial than re-examining the core political issues and grievances that resonate in much of the Muslim world: the failures of many Muslim governments and societies, some aspects of U.S. foreign policy representing intervention and dominance, Western support for authoritarian regimes, the invasion and occupation of Iraq, or support for Israel's military battles with Hamas in Gaza and Hezbollah in Lebanon.
** [[John Esposito|John L. Esposito]], ''Who Speaks For Islam?: What a Billion Muslims Really Think'', p. 136-137.

===F===
* Neither the sword nor the work of an ecclesiastical order can account for Islam's continuous gains in new following. The phenomenon of growth, therefore, must be attributed in the last analysis to its powers of appeal and ability to meet the spiritual and material needs of peoples adhering to cultures totally alien to the founders, the desert Arabians, but at a level of religious and sociopolitical development familiar to them at the time of their conversion. Continued growth can be explained also in terms of Islam's willingness to tolerate views and practices stemming from alien cultural norms brought into Islam by the converts which a more rigid system of religion would not countenance. Flexibility at this, the crucial stage, of conversion is an important factor contributing to Islam's success. What would ordinarily be deemed heretical at the instance of conversion inevitably drifts or is lured towards orthodoxy. The spread of Islam into Southeast Asia and sub-Saharan Africa presents a vivid example of its dynamism while its ability to survive in areas once dominated by communism is a testimony to its remarkable resilience.
** {{W|Caesar E. Farah}}, ''Islam : beliefs and observances'', 7th ed - Barron’s  Ed. Series,  Inc - Woodbury - New York. 1968 - pp. 268-269.

*[Islam] is essentially an obstructive, intolerant system, supplying just sufficient good to stand in the way of greater good.  It has consecrated despotism; it has consecrated polygamy; it has consecrated slavery.  It has declared war against every other creed; it has claimed to be at least dominant in every land…  When it ceases to have an enemy to contend against, it sinks into sluggish stupidity…  It must have an enemy; if cut off, like Persia, from conflict with the infidel, it finds its substitute in sectarian hatred of brother Moslems… By [only] slightly reforming, it has perpetuated and sanctified all the evils of the eastern world. It has, by its aggressive tenets, brought them into more direct antagonism with the creed and civilization of the west.
** [[Edward Augustus Freeman]], &quot;The History And Conquests of the Saracens&quot;, Kessinger Publishing Co (2004),  ISBN 9781417948291, pp. 246-247

* I would never regard Islam with anything but horror and fear because it is fundamentally committed to conquering the world for Islam.
** [[Antony Flew]], ''Did the Resurrection Happen?: A Conversation with Gary Habermas and Antony Flew'' (2009), p. 88

===G===
* I wanted to know the best of one who holds today undisputed sway over the hearts of millions of mankind. … I became more than ever convinced that it was not the sword that won a place for Islam in those days in the scheme of life. It was the rigid simplicity, the utter self-effacement of the Prophet, the scrupulous regard for his pledges, his intense devotion to his friends and followers, his intrepidity, his fearlessness, his absolute trust in God and in his own mission. These and not the sword carried everything before them and surmounted every obstacle.
**[[Mahatma Gandhi]], published in ''[[w:Young India|Young India]]'', 1924. [http://www.gandhiserve.org/cwmg/VOL029.PDF ''Collected Works of Mahatma Gandhi''], vol. 29, &quot;My Jail experiences&quot;, p. 133.

* But Islam has yet a further service to render to the cause of humanity. It stands after all nearer to the real East than Europe does, and it possesses a magnificent tradition of interracial understanding and co-operation. No other society has such a record of success in uniting in an equality of status, of opportunity, and of endeavour so many and so various races of mankind. ... Islam has still the power to reconcile apparently irreconcilable elements of race and tradition If ever the opposition of the great societies of the East and the West is to be replaced by co-operation, the mediation of Islam is an indispensable condition. In its hands lies very largely the solution of the problem with which Europe is faced in its relations with the East. If they unite, the hope of a peaceful issue is immeasurably enhanced — but if Europe, by rejecting the co operation of Islam, throws it into the arms of its rivals, the issue can only be disastrous for both. 
** [[Hamilton Alexander Rosskeen Gibb]], [https://archive.org/details/in.ernet.dli.2015.217616 ''Whither Islam?: A Study of Modern Movements in the Muslem World''], Victor Gollancz Ltd, 1932, p. 379.

* 'I believe in 'One God and Muhammad is the Prophet of God,' is the simple and invariable profession of Islam. The intellectual image of the Deity has never been degraded by any visible idol; the honours of the Prophet of God have never transgressed the measure of human virtue, and his living precepts have restrained the gratitude of his disciples within the bounds of reason and religion.&quot; 
** [[Edward Gibbon]] and Simon Ocklay, ''History of the Saracen Empire'', London, 1870, p. 54.

* Purer than the system of Zoroaster, more liberal than the law of Moses, the religion of Muhammad might seem less inconsistent with reason than the creed of mystery and superstition which, in the seventh century, disgraced the simplicity of the gospels. 
** [[Edward Gibbon]], ''The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire'', vol. 5. p. 487.

* I like Islam, it is consistent [or consequential] idea of religion and open-minded.
** [[Kurt Gödel]], ''A Logical Journey: From Gödel to Philosophy'' by Hao Wang, p. 148, 1996.

===H===
* Islam has been built on five [pillars]: testifying that there is no deity worthy of worship except Allah and that Muhammad is the Messenger of Allah, establishing the salah (prayer), paying the zakat (obligatory charity), making the hajj (pilgrimage) to the House, and fasting in Ramadhan.
** [[Hadith]], {{w|Al-Nawawi's Forty Hadith|''An-Nawawi’s Forty Hadith''}}, [https://sunnah.com/nawawi40/3 40 Hadith Nawawi, Hadith 3].

* Mu’adh ibn Jabal reported: I was with the Prophet and we woke up one day and I said, “O Messenger of God, tell me about a deed that will enter me into Paradise and keep me away from the Fire.” The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said: You have asked about an enormous matter, yet it is easy for one whom God makes it easy. Worship God and do not associate anything with Him, establish the prayer, give the charity, fast the month of Ramadan, and perform pilgrimage to the House.
** Hadith Sunan At-Tirmidhi 2616 from [http://www.faithinallah.org/forty-hadith-nawawi/#sthash.KS1nEjaw.dpuf]

* In Mohammedanism the limited principle of the Jews is expanded into universality and thereby overcome. Here, God is no longer, as with the Asiatics, contemplated as existent in immediately sensuous mode but is apprehended as the one infinite sublime Power beyond all the multiplicity of the world. Mohammedanism is, therefore, in the strictest sense of the world, the religion of sublimity.
** [[Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel]], ''Philosophy of Mind'' (quoted by [[Slavoj Žižek]] in [http://www.lacan.com/zizarchives.htm A Glance into the Archives of Islam], Lacan dot com, 1997).

* Islam in its origins is just as shady and approximate as those from which it took its borrowings. It makes immense claims for itself, invokes prostrate submission or &quot;surrender&quot; as a maxim to its adherents, and demands deference and respect from nonbelievers into the bargain. There is nothing—absolutely nothing—in its teachings that can even begin to justify such arrogance and presumption.
** [[Christopher Hitchens]], ''[[God is Not Great|God is not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything]]'' (2007). See also a [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O5R_-0UO4fs video] of his reading and an [http://richarddawkins.net/article,928,Was-Muhammad-Epileptic,Christopher-Hitchens-Slate excerpt].

* You see, it's been our misfortune to have the wrong religion. Why didn't we have the religion of the Japanese, who regard sacrifice for the Fatherland as the highest good? The Mohammedan religion too would have been more compatible to us than Christianity. Why did it have to be Christianity with its meekness and flabbiness?
** Attributed to [[Adolf Hitler]], as quoted ''Inside the Third Reich : Memoirs'' by Albert Speer, p. 115.
* &quot;...It was in high school...My questions and doubts only multiplied as it became clear to me that the teachings of Islam were impossible to follow in everyday life. Do the faithful exercise free choice or their actions determined by divine will? This existential question tugged me constantly....It soon became clear to me no one could help me with my questions...&quot;
**[[Waleed Al-Husseini]] in [https://books.google.com/books?id=bzyCDwAAQBAJ&amp;lpg=PP1&amp;dq=%22The%20Right%20to%20Be%20an%20Ex-Muslim%22%20%22Ehsan%20Jami%22&amp;pg=PT13#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false The Blasphemer: The Price I Paid for Rejecting Islam, Arcade Publishing] 2015.

* &quot;...here lies the hypocrisy...although never call into question...they conceal extent of their thinking and the persecution they endured. All were hunted down, assassinated, hung or poisoned in the name of Islam. Why do we never learn this? Is Islam so fragile that it might crumble under the slightest criticism? Could God himself be afraid of words and debate?...&quot;   
**[[Waleed Al-Husseini]] in [https://books.google.com/books?id=bzyCDwAAQBAJ&amp;lpg=PP1&amp;dq=%22The%20Right%20to%20Be%20an%20Ex-Muslim%22%20%22Ehsan%20Jami%22&amp;pg=PT13#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false The Blasphemer: The Price I Paid for Rejecting Islam, Arcade Publishing] 2015.

===J===
* &quot;[[Religion of peace]]&quot; does not imply that Islam is a [[w:Islam and pacifism|paciﬁst religion]], that it rejects the use of [[Islam and violence|violence]] altogether, as either a [[moral]] or a [[metaphysical]] evil. &quot;Religion of peace&quot; connotes, rather, that Islam can countenance a state of permanent, peaceful coexistence with other [[nations]] and [[people]]s who are not Muslims...This position, I shall argue, is no more than the result of an objective application of principles of [[Islamic jurisprudence]] which no jurist or activist, medieval or modern, has claimed to reject.
** [[Sherman Jackson]], [https://lib.tcu.edu/staff/bellinger/rel-viol/Jackson_Jihad.pdf &quot;Jihad and the Modern World&quot;] (Spring–Summer 2002), ''Journal of Islamic Law and Culture''.

===K===
* Even a little knowledge of Islam will show that its religion is not only tolerant of other faiths, but most respectful, and, indeed, fully accepts the divine inspiration of all theistic faiths that came before Islam. It does not only teach tolerance to its followers, but goes a step further and enjoins on them all to create the godly quality of ''Hilm'', that is, tolerance, forbearance, patience, calmness, and forgiveness. It is due to the spirit of tolerance of Islam that even the smallest Christian and Jewish minorities survived and kept all their doctrines during the thousand years of Muslim rule. Nothing like what happened to Muslims in Spain after the Christian conquest has ever happened to a non-Muslim faith in any Islamic dominion.
** [[Aga Khan III]], ''Aga Khan III, Selected Speeches and Writings of Sir Sultan Muhammad Shah'', Edited by K.K. Aziz, Kegan Paul International, 1997, Vol II, pp 1282.

* There are many interpretations of Islam within the wider Islamic community, but generally we are instructed to leave the world a better place than it was when we came into it.
**[[Aga Khan IV‎‎]], in an interview with Robert Ivy (FAIA), in ''Architectural Record'' (31 August  2001).

* Islam is the religion of militant individuals who are committed to truth and justice. It is the religion of those who desire freedom and independence. It is the school of those who struggle against imperialism. But the servants of imperialism have presented Islam in a totally different light. They have created in men’s minds a false notion of Islam. The defective version of Islam, which they have presented in the religious teaching institution, is intended to deprive Islam of its vital, revolutionary aspect and to prevent Muslims from arousing themselves in order to gain their freedom, fulfill the ordinances of Islam, and create a government that will secure their happiness and allow them to live lives worthy of human beings.
** [[Ayatollah Khomeini]], ''Islam and Revolution, Writings and Declarations of Imam Khomeini,'' Translated and Annotated by Hamid Algar, Mizan Press, Berkley, pp. 28.

===L===
* The first thing that we are calling you to is Islam. The religion of the Unification of God; of freedom from associating partners with Him, and rejection of this; of complete love of Him, the Exalted; of complete submission to His Laws; and of the discarding of all the opinions, orders, theories and religions which contradict with the religion He sent down to His Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him). Islam is the religion of all the prophets, and makes no distinction between them - peace be upon them all. It is to this religion that we call you; the seal of all the previous religions. It is the religion of Unification of God, sincerity, the best of manners, righteousness, mercy, honour, purity, and piety. It is the religion of showing kindness to others, establishing justice between them, granting them their rights, and defending the oppressed and the persecuted. It is the religion of enjoining the good and forbidding the evil with the hand, tongue and heart. It is the religion of Jihad in the way of Allah so that Allah's Word and religion reign Supreme. And it is the religion of unity and agreement on the obedience to Allah, and total equality between all people, without regarding their colour, sex, or language. It is the religion whose book - the Quran - will remained preserved and unchanged, after the other Divine books and messages have been changed. The Quran is the miracle until the Day of Judgment. Allah has challenged anyone to bring a book like the Quran or even ten verses like it.
** [[Osama bin Laden]] from [http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2002/nov/24/theobserver Full text: bin Laden's 'letter to America']

* In most Muslim countries Islam is still the ultimate criterion of group identity and loyalty. It is Islam which distinguishes between self and other, between insider and outsider, between brother and stranger.
** [[Bernard Lewis]], [https://www.google.com/books/edition/_/Xql9DwAAQBAJ?hl=en ''The Political Language of Islam''], University Of Chicago Press, 2018, p. 4, ISBN 9780226220154.

* Islam is one of the world's great religions. Let me be explicit about what I, as a historian of Islam who is not a Muslim, mean by that. Islam has brought comfort and peace of mind to countless millions of men and women. It has given dignity and meaning to drab and impoverished lives. It has taught people of different races to live in brotherhood and people of different creeds to live side by side in reasonable tolerance. It inspired a great civilization in which others besides Muslims lived creative and useful lives and which, by its achievement, enriched the whole world. But Islam, like other religions, has also known periods when it inspired in some of its followers a mood of hatred and violence. It is our misfortune that part, though by no means all or even most, of the Muslim world is now going through such a period, and that much, though again not all, of that hatred is directed against us.
** [[Bernard Lewis]], [https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/1990/09/the-roots-of-muslim-rage/304643/ &quot;The Roots of Muslim Rage&quot;]. ''The Atlantic'' (September, 1990).

===M===
* America needs to understand Islam, because this is the one religion that erases from its society the race problem. Throughout my travels in the Muslim world, I have met, talked to, and even eaten with people who in America would have been considered white—but the white attitude was removed from their minds by the religion of Islam. I have never before seen sincere and true brotherhood practiced by all colors together, irrespective of their color. On this Hajj pilgrimage, what I have seen, and experienced, has forced me to re-arrange much of my thought-patterns previously held, and to toss aside some of my previous conclusions. This was not too difficult for me. Despite my firm convictions, I have always been a man who tries to face facts, and to accept the reality of life as new experience and new knowledge unfolds it. I have always kept an open mind, which is necessary to the flexibility that must go hand in hand with every form of intelligent search for truth. During the past eleven days here in the Muslim world, I have eaten from the same plate, drunk from the same glass, and slept in the same bed (or on the same rug)--while praying to the same God--with fellow Muslims, whose eyes were the bluest of blue, whose hair was the blondest of blond, and whose skin was the whitest of white. And in the words and in the actions in the deeds of the 'white' Muslims, I felt the same sincerity that I felt among the black African Muslims of Nigeria, Sudan, and Ghana. We were truly all the same (brothers)--because their belief in one God had removed the white from their minds, the white from their behavior, and the white from their attitude. I could see from this, that perhaps if white Americans could accept the Oneness of God, then perhaps, too, they could accept in reality the Oneness of Man--and cease to measure, and hinder, and harm others in terms of their 'differences' in color. With racism plaguing America like incurable cancer, the so-called 'Christian' white American heart should be more receptive to a proven solution to such a destructive problem. Perhaps it could be in time to save America from imminent disaster--the same destruction brought upon Germany by racism that eventually destroyed the Germans themselves.
** {{cite book|author=[[Malcolm X]]|title=The Autobiography of Malcolm X|year=1965|publisher=New York: The Random House Publishing Group|page=391}} ''Letter from Mecca''.

* I challenge anyone to understand Islam, its spirit, and not to love it. It is a beautiful religion of brotherhood and devotion.
** [[Yann Martel]], ''Life of Pi''.

*No other religion in history spread so rapidly as Islam . . . The West has widely believed that this surge of religion was made possible by the sword. But no modern scholar accepts that idea, and the Qur'an is explicit in support of the freedom of conscience.&quot; 
** [[James A. Michener]], ''Islam - The Misunderstood Religion'', Readers' Digest (American Edition) May 1955.

* Islam is a religion that is essentially rationalistic in the widest sense of this term considered etymologically and historically. The definition of rationalism as a system that bases religious beliefs on principles furnished by the reason applies to it exactly . . . It cannot be denied that many doctrines and systems of theology and also many superstitions, from the worship of saints to the use of rosaries and amulets, have become grafted on the main trunk of Muslim creed. But in spite of the rich developments, in every sense of the term, of the teachings of the Prophet, the Quran has invariable kept its place as the fundamental starting point, and the dogma of unity of God has always been proclaimed therein with a grandeur, a majesty, an invariable purity and with a note of sure conviction, which it is hard to find surpassed outside the pale of Islam. This fidelity to the fundamental dogma of the religion, the elemental simplicity of the formula in which it is enunciated, the proof that it gains from the fervid conviction of the missionaries who propagate it, are so many causes to explain the success of Muhammadan missionary efforts. A creed so precise, so stripped of all theological complexities and consequently so accessible to the ordinary understanding might be expected to possess and does indeed possess a marvelous power of winning its way into the consciences of men. 
** [[:w:de:Edouard Montet|Édouard Montet]], ''La Propagande chrétienne et ses adversaires musulmans, conférence faite à Genève et à Nîmes'', 1890; quoted by T.W. Arnold in ''The Preaching of Islam'', London, 1913, pp. 413-414.

*Some, indeed, dream of an Islam in the future, rationalised and regenerate. All this has been tried already, and has miserably failed. The Koran has so encrusted the religion in a hard unyielding casement of ordinances and social laws, that if the shell be broken the life is gone. A rationalistic Islam would be Islam no longer. The contrast between our own faith and Islam is most remarkable. There are in our Scriptures living germs of truth, which accord with civil and religious liberty, and will expand with advancing civilisation. In Islam it is just the reverse. The Koran has no such teaching as with us has abolished polygamy, slavery, and arbitrary divorce, and has elevated woman to her proper place. As a Reformer, Mahomet did advance his people to a certain point, but as a Prophet he left them fixed immovably at that point for all time to come. The tree is of artificial planting. Instead of containing within itself the germ of growth and adaptation to the various requirements of time and clime and circumstance, expanding with the genial sunshine and rain from heaven, it remains the same forced and stunted thing as when first planted some twelve centuries ago.
** [[William Muir]], Taken from the Rede Lecture he delivered at Cambridge in 1881) Asia. 2d ed., rev. and corrected. Published 1909 by E. Stanford in London. Page 458

===N===
* It was the first religion that preached and practiced democracy; for, in the mosque, when the call for prayer is sounded and worshippers are gathered together, the democracy of Islam is embodied five times a day when the peasant and king kneel side by side and proclaim: &quot;God Alone is Great.&quot; I have been struck over and over again by this indivisible unity of Islam that makes man instinctively a brother.
** [[Sarojini Naidu]], ''Ideals of Islam'', Speeches and Writings, Madaras, 1918.

* Sense of justice is one of the most wonderful ideals of Islam, because as I read in the Qur'an I find those dynamic principles of life, not mystic but practical ethics for the daily conduct of life suited to the whole world. 
** [[Sarojini Naidu]], ''The Ideals of Islam'', 1918, p. 167.

* All religions basically exhort mankind to be righteous and eschew evil. But Islam goes beyond that. It guides us towards practical ways of achieving righteousness and eliminating evil from our individual and collective lives. Islam takes into account human nature and the complexities of human society. Islam is guidance from the Creator Himself. Therefore, Islam is also called the Deenul-Fitrah (the natural religion of Man).
** [[Zakir Naik]], in ''[https://www.amazon.com/Most-Common-Questions-Asked-Muslims/dp/9675699299 Most Common Questions Asked by the non-Muslims]'', p. 43

* Were the books of Islam all to be lost, excepting only the Ihya' (a book written by [[Abu Hamid al-Ghazali|al-Ghazali]]), it would suffice to replace them all.
**{{w|Al-Nawawi}}, Joseph E. B. Lumbard, ''Islam, Fundamentalism, and the Betrayal of Tradition: Essays by Western Muslim Scholars'', p. 291. {{ISBN|0941532607}}.

===O===
* History makes it clear, however, that the legend of fanatical Muslims sweeping through the world and forcing Islam at the point of the sword upon conquered races, is one of the most fantastically absurd myths that historians have ever repeated.
** [[De Lacy O'Leary]], [https://archive.org/details/in.ernet.dli.2015.233606 ''Islam at the Crossroads''], K. Paul, Trench, Trubner &amp; Company, Limited, 1923, p. 8. Quoted by {{w|Fazlur Rahman Ansari}} in [https://archive.org/details/the-quranic-foundations-and-structure-of-muslim-society/The%20Qur%E2%80%99anic%20Foundations%20and%20Structure%20of%20Muslim%20Society%20%28Volume%201%20Book%201%29%20by%20Dr.%20Muhammad%20Fazl-Ur-Rahman%20Ansari/ ''The Qur'anic Foundations and Structure of Muslim Society''] (1973), p. 35.

===P===
* Every national church or religion has established itself by pretending some special mission from God, communicated to certain individuals. The Jews have their Moses; the Christians their Jesus Christ, their apostles and saints; and the Turks their Mahomet; as if the way to God was not open to every man alike. &lt;br/&gt; Each of those churches shows certain books, which they call ''revelation'', or the Word of God. The Jews say that their Word of God was given by God to Moses face to face; the Christians say, that their Word of God came by divine inspiration; and the Turks say, that their Word of God (the Koran) was brought by an angel from heaven. Each of those churches accuses the other of unbelief; and, for my own part, I disbelieve them all.
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[s:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794).

* ...the religiosity of Muslims deserves respect. It is impossible not to admire, for example, their fidelity to prayer. The image of believers in Allah (God) who, without caring about time or place, fall to their knees and immerse themselves in prayer remains a model for all those who invoke the true God, in particular for those Christians who, having deserted their magnificent cathedrals, pray only a little or not at all.
** [[Pope John Paul II]], Vatican City, ''Relation of the Church with Non-Christian Religions''.

===Q===
* It is not the intention of Islam to force its beliefs on people, but Islam is not merely ‘belief’. As we have pointed out, Islam is a declaration of the freedom of man from servitude to other men. Thus it strives from the beginning to abolish all those systems and governments which are based on the rule of man over men and the servitude of one human being to another. When Islam releases people from this political pressure and presents to them its spiritual message, appealing to their reason, it gives them complete freedom to accept or not to accept its beliefs. 
** {{cite book|author=[[Sayyid Qutb]]|title=Ma'alim fi'l-Tariq (Milestones)|publisher=Maktabah Booksellers and Publishers|page=70}}

===R===
* If the people of this religion [Islam] are asked about the proof for the soundness of their religion, they flare up, get angry and spill the blood of whoever confronts them with this question. They forbid rational speculation, and strive to kill their adversaries. This is why truth became thoroughly silenced and concealed. ... You claim that the evidentiary miracle is present and available, namely, the Koran. You say: &quot;Whoever denies it, let him produce a similar one.&quot; Indeed, we shall produce a thousand similar, from the works of rhetoricians, eloquent speakers and valiant poets, which are more appropriately phrased and state the issues more succinctly. They convey the meaning better and their rhymed prose is in better meter. ... By God what you say astonishes us! You are talking about a work which recounts ancient myths, and which at the same time is full of contradictions and does not contain any useful information or explanation. Then you say: &quot;Produce something like it&quot;?!
** Attributed to {{w|Rhazes|Abu Bakr Muhammad al-Razi}}, in:  Jennifer Michael Hecht - ''Doubt: A History: The Great Doubters and Their Legacy of Innovation from Socrates and Jesus to Thomas Jefferson and Emily Dickinson'' (pg. 227-230) - HarperOne, September 7, 2004, ISBN 9780060097950

*Given that the majority of Americans have never met a Muslim and know little of Islam makes them vulnerable to a false national narrative about Muslims...  Islam calls people to promote peace. Even when someone harms us, Islam teaches, we are to respond to hate with love. Sadly, people of all wisdom traditions fail to live up to their teachings. Rejecting collective blame for the actions of a few, let us work together for a peaceful future based on mutual respect and compassion.  [[Shariah]] is a term for Islamic teachings like caring for parents, feeding the hungry and obeying the law of the land in which you live. In the United States, this means obeying the US Constitution. Those who seek to “ban Shariah” are tearing down our constitutional rights. Fourteen states in have passed anti-Muslim bills, adding institutional and structural force to bigotry and taking away the rights of Muslims and Jews to seek court-authorized mediation. Standing for the rights of religious minorities is how we protect the rights we all enjoy.
**[https://religionnews.com/2020/02/25/facts-over-fear-campaign-releasing-islam-and-peace-and-what-is-shariah/ Facts Over Fear Campaign: Releasing 'Islam and Peace' and 'What is Shariah?  Countering the false witness against our American Muslim neighbors, ''Religious News Service''], (25 February 2020)

* Wherever the Mohammedans have had complete sway, wherever the Christians have been unable to resist them by the sword, Christianity has ultimately disappeared. From the hammer of Charles Martel to the sword of Sobieski, Christianity owed its safety in Europe to the fact that it was able to show that it could and would fight as well as the Mohammedan aggressor.
** [[Theodore Roosevelt]], ''Fear God and Take Your Own Part'' (1916), p. 70

* For a vast number of &quot;believing&quot; Muslim men, &quot;Islam&quot; stands, in a jumbled, half-examined way, not only for the fear of God -- the fear more than the love, one suspects -- but also for a cluster of customs, opinions and prejudices that include their dietary practices; the sequestration or near-sequestration of &quot;their&quot; women; the sermons delivered by their mullahs of choice; a loathing of modern society in general, riddled as it is with music, godlessness and sex; and a more particularized loathing (and fear) of the prospect that their own immediate surroundings could be taken over -- &quot;Westoxicated&quot; -- by the liberal Western-style way of life.
** [[Salman Rushdie]], &quot;Yes, This Is About Islam&quot;, November, 2001

* {{w|Bolshevism}} combines the characteristics of the French Revolution with those of the rise of Islam. … Among religions, Bolshevism is to be reckoned with Mohammedanism rather than with Christianity and Buddhism. Christianity and Buddhism are primarily personal religions, with mystical doctrines and a love of contemplation. Mohammedanism and Bolshevism are practical, social, unspiritual, concerned to win the empire of the world.
** [[Bertrand Russell]], &quot;The Practice and Theory of Bolshevism&quot;, (London, 1920), pp. 5, 114-115 

* The beliefs appropriate to the impulse of aggression may be seen in Bernhardi, or in the early Mohammedan conquerors, or, in full perfection, in the Book of Joshua. There is first of all a conviction of the superior excellence of one's own group, a certainty that they are in some sense the chosen people. This justifies the feeling that only the good and evil of one's own group is of real importance, and that the rest of the world is to be regarded merely as material for the triumph or salvation of the higher race. In modern politics this attitude is embodied in imperialism.
** [[Bertrand Russell]], Why men fight: a Method of Abolishing the International Duel.

* It was the duty of the faithful to conquer as much of the world as possible for Islam. ... The Arabs, although they conquered a great part of the world in the name of a new religion were not a very religious race; the motive of their conquests was plunder and wealth rather than religion.
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''The History of Western Philosophy'', Book Two, Part 2, Chapter X: Mohammedan Culture

* From India to Spain, the brilliant civilization of Islam flourished. What was lost to Christendom at this time was not lost to civilization, but quite the contrary… To us it seems that West-European civilization is civilization; but this is a narrow view.&quot;
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''History of Western Philosophy'', London, 1948, p. 419]

===S===
* Islam was not a torch, as has been claimed, but an extinguisher. Conceived in a barbarous brain for the use of a barbarous people, it was — and it remains — incapable of adapting itself to civilization. Wherever it has dominated, it has broken the impulse towards progress and checked the evolution of society.
** Islam is Christianity adapted to Arab mentality, or, more exactly, it is all that the unimaginative brain of a Bedouin, obstinately faithful to ancestral practices, has been able to assimilate of the Christian doctrines. Lacking the gift of imagination, the Bedouin copies, and in copying he distorts the original. Thus Musulman law is only the Roman Code revised and corrected by Arabs; in the same way Musulman science is nothing but Greek science interpreted by the Arab brain; and again, Musulman architecture is merely a distorted imitation of the Byzantine style.
** {{w|Andre Servier}}, ''L’islam et la psychologie du musulman'' (1923).

* Islam is very different, being ferociously intolerant. What I may call Manifold Monotheism becomes in the minds of very simple folk an absurdly polytheistic idolatry, just as European peasants not only worship Saints and the Virgin as Gods, but will fight fanatically for their faith in the ugly little black doll who is the Virgin of their own Church against the black doll of the next village. When the Arabs had run this sort of idolatry to such extremes [that] they did this without black dolls and worshipped any stone that looked funny, Mahomet rose up at the risk of his life and insulted the stones shockingly, declaring that there is only one God, Allah, the glorious, the great, and pinning himself to the second Commandment that no man should dare make a graven image of Allah or any of his creatures. And there was to be no nonsense about toleration. You accepted Allah or you had your throat cut by someone who did accept him, and who went to Paradise for having sent you to Hell.
** [[George Bernard Shaw]], in a letter to the Reverend Ensor Walters (1933), as quoted in &quot;[http://books.google.co.uk/books/about/Bernard_Shaw_Collected_Letters_1926_1950.html?id=0pVZAAAAYAAJ&amp;redir_esc=y Bernard Shaw : Collected Letters, 1926-1950]&quot; (1988), p. 322-3

* The rise of Islam is perhaps the most amazing event in human history. Springing from a land and a people like previously negligible, Islam spread within a century over half the earth, shattering great empires, overthrowing long established religions, remolding the souls of races, and building up a whole new world - world of Islam. The closer we examine this development the more extraordinary does it appear. The other great religions won their way slowly, by painful struggle and finally triumphed with the aid of powerful monarchs who converted to the new faith. Christianity had its Constantine, Buddhism its Asoka, and Zoroastrianism its Cyrus, each lending to his chosen cult the mighty force of secular authority. Not so Islam. Arising in a desert land sparsely inhabited by a nomad race previously undistinguished in human annals, Islam sallied forth on its great adventure with the slenderest human backing and against the heaviest material odds. Yet Islam triumphed with seemingly miraculous ease, and a couple of generations saw the Fiery Crescent borne victorious from the Pyrenees to the Himalayas and from the desert of Central Asia to the deserts of Central Africa.
** {{w|Lothrop Stoddard}} quoted in ''The New World of Islam'', Charles Scribner's Sons, p.3.

* The trouble with Islam is deeply rooted in its teachings. Islam is not only a religion. Islam (is) also a political ideology that preaches violence and applies its agenda by force. 
** [[Wafa Sultan]], cited in: N. C. Munson, Noel Carroll. ''If You Can Keep It,'' Allen-Ayers Books, 2010, p. 215

* Islam has never been misunderstood. Islam is the problem. But no one is stating the truth. No one is taking a hard look at the root of terrorism which is the brain washing machine called Islam. Islam is not up to me, is not up to any Muslim – man or woman. Islam is exactly what the prophet Muhammad did and said. In order to understand Islam you have to read the biography of Muhammad. It is very traumatising. It is very shocking. He married his second wife when she was six years old. He was over fifty. [...] His third wife was Sophia. She was a Jewish woman. It was well documented, well written in our school books that he attacked her tribe. He killed her father, her brother, and her husband. At the same day, he slept with her. That's what I call Islam.
** [[Wafa Sultan]], speech at Restoration Weekend, Palm Beach, Florida 2007 [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=up3yuQDAWKQ]

* You need to understand that Islam is the problem. I am sick and tired of people here in the West asking me to soften my message. I am sick and tired of people asking me, &quot;Are you trying to change 1.3 billion people?&quot; Yes, I am trying!
** [[Wafa Sultan]], speech at Restoration Weekend, 2007

===T===
* It is easy to understand why this reformed Judaism spread so swiftly over Africa and Asia. The African and Syrian doctors had substituted abstruse metaphysical dogmas for the religion of Christ : they tried to combat the licentiousness of the age by setting forth the celestial merit of celibacy and the angelic excellence of virginity — seclusion from the world was the road of holiness, dirt was the characteristic of monkish sanctity — the people were practically polytheists, worshipping a crowd of martyrs, saints and angels; the upper classes were effeminate and corrupt, the middle classes oppressed by taxation, the slaves without hope for the present or the future. As with the besom of God, Islam swept away this mass of corruption and superstition. It was a revolt against empty theological polemics; it was a masculine protest against the exaltation of celibacy as a crown of piety. It brought out the fundamental dogmas of religion — the unity and greatness of God, that He is merciful and righteous, that He claims obedience to His will, resignation and faith. It proclaimed the responsibility of man, a future life, a day of judgment, and stern retribution to fall upon the wicked; and enforced the duties of prayer, almsgiving, fasting and benevolence. It thrust aside the artificial virtues, the religious frauds and follies, the perverted moral sentiments, and the verbal subtleties of theological disputants. It replaced monkishness by manliness. It gave hope to the slave, brotherhood to mankind, and recognition to the fundamental facts of human nature.
** {{w|Isaac Taylor (priest)|Isaac Taylor}}, paper read before the Church Congress at Wolverhampton, Oct. 7, 1887. Quoted by [[w:Thomas Walker Arnold|Thomas Walker Arnold]], in [https://archive.org/details/preachingofislam00arno ''The Preaching of Islam:''], pp. 71-72

* The extinction of race consciousness as between Muslims is one of the outstanding moral achievements of Islam, and in the contemporary world there is, as it happens, a crying need for the propagation of this Islamic virtue.
** [[Arnold Joseph Toynbee]], [https://archive.org/details/in.ernet.dli.2015.185313 ''Civilization on Trial''], Oxford University Press, 1948, p. 205.

===V===
* Your religion, although it has some good points, such as worship of the great Being, and the necessity of being just and charitable, is otherwise nothing but a rehash of Judaism and a tedious collection of fairy tales.
** [[Voltaire]], Reason in ''[http://history.hanover.edu/texts/voltaire/volreaso.html The Philosophical Dictionary]'' selected and translated by H.I. Woolf (1924)

===W===
* I am not a Muslim in the usual sense, though I hope I am a Muslim as &quot;one surrendered to God&quot;, but I believe that embedded in the Quran and other expressions of the Islamic vision are vast stores of divine truth from which I and other occidentals have still much to learn, and Islam is certainly a strong contender for the supplying of the basic framework of the one religion of the future.
** [[William Montgomery Watt|W. Montgomery Watt]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=4YlTAQAAQBAJ&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;hl=fr&amp;source=gbs_ge_summary_r&amp;cad=0#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false ''Islam and Christianity Today: A Contribution to Dialogue''], Routledge Library Editions, 1983, p. ix.

* The Islamic teachings have left great traditions for equitable and gentle dealings and behavior, and inspire people with nobility and tolerance. These are human teachings of the highest order and at the same time practicable. These teachings brought into existence a society in which hard-heartedness and collective oppression and injustice were the least as compared with all other societies preceding it….Islam is replete with gentleness, courtesy, and fraternity.” 
** [[H. G. Wells]], ''The Outline of History'', London, 1920.

* From a new angle and with a fresh vigour, Islam took up that systematic development of positive knowledge which the Greeks had begun and relinquished. If the Greek was the father, then the Arab was the foster-father of the scientific method of dealing with reality, that is to say, by absolute frankness, the utmost simplicity of statement and explanation, exact record and exhaustive criticism. Through the Arabs it was, and not by the Latin route, that the modem world received that gift of light and power. 
** [[H. G. Wells]], ''The Outline of History'', London, 1920.

*Islam is much more than a formal religion: it is an integral way of life. In many ways it is a more determining factor in the experience of its followers than any other world religion. The Muslim (&quot;one who submits&quot;) lives face to face with God at all times and will introduce no separation between his life and his religion, his politics and his faith. With its strong emphasis on the brotherhood of men cooperating to fulfill the will of God, Islam has become one of the most influential religions in the world today.
** John Alden Williams, ''Islam'', George Braziller, 1962.

===Y===
* Democracy, freedom, and human rights have no place in Islam.
** Mesbah Yazdi, who heads Shia Taliban, in a speech reprinted in Rooz, an online Iranian news website), reported at [https://www.asianews.it/news-en/No-place-for-democracy-and-human-rights-in-Islam,-says-Qom-theologian-19404.html No place for democracy and human rights in Islam, says Qom theologian].

==''[[Quran]]''==
:&lt;small&gt;[[Wikisource:Quran|''The Quran'' on Wikisource]]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Logo for ((HAVATO DARAM)) facebook page- A page about addiction and cures for Iranians in Persian language- 2014-02-12 03-41.jpg|thumb|God forbids you not [[respecting]] those who [[fight]] you not for religion, nor drive you forth from your [[homes]], that you show them [[kindness]] and deal with them justly. Surely, God [[loves]] the doers of [[justice]].]]

* And establish prayers, give obligatory charity, and whatever good deeds you send ahead for yourselves; you shall find it with God. Surely, God is All-Seeing of what you do.
** [[Quran]] 2:110

* And this was the legacy that Abraham left to his sons, and so did [[Jacob]]; &quot;Oh my sons! God had chosen the religion for you; so die not unless in the Faith of Islam.&quot; 
** [[w:Al-Baqara|Quran 2:132]]

* Say: &quot;We believe in God, and in what has been revealed to us and what was revealed to [[Abraham]], [[Ishmael]], [[Isaac]], [[Jacob]], and the Tribes, and in (scriptures) given to [[Moses]], [[Jesus]], and the [[prophets]], from their [[Lord]]. We make no distinction between one and another among them, and to God do we bow our will.&quot; If anyone desires a religion other than Islam, never will it be accepted of him; and in the Hereafter he will be in the ranks of distressed ones.
** [[w:Ali-Imran|Quran 3:84-85]]

* Forbidden to you (for food) are: dead meat, blood, the flesh of swine, and that on which hath been invoked the name of other than Allah; that which hath been killed by strangling, or by a violent blow, or by a headlong fall, or by being gored to death; that which hath been (partly) eaten by a wild animal; unless ye are able to slaughter it (in due form); that which is sacrificed on stone (altars); (forbidden) also is the division (of meat) by raffling with arrows: that is impiety. This day have those who reject faith given up all hope of your religion: yet fear them not but fear Me. '''This day have I perfected your religion for you, completed My favour upon you, and have chosen for you Islam as your religion.''' But if any is forced by hunger, with no inclination to transgression, Allah is indeed Oft-forgiving, Most Merciful.
** [[w:Verse of Ikmal al-Din|Quran 5:3]]

* For this reason We prescribed for the Children of Israel that '''whoever kills a person, unless it be for man-slaughter or for mischief in the land, it is as though he had killed all men. And whoever saves a life, it is as though he had saved the lives of all men.''' And certainly Our messengers came to them with clear arguments, but even after that many of them commit excesses in the land. 
** [[w:Al-Maida|Quran 5:32]]

* Indeed, I am God. There is no deity except Me, so worship Me and establish prayer for My remembrance. I am about to make it manifest -- so that every soul may be rewarded as it strives. So do not let one avert you from it who does not believe in it and follows his desire, for you [then] would perish.  
** [[w:Ta Ha|Quran 20:14-16]]

* O ye who believe ! bow down and adore, and serve your Lord, and do well, that ye may prosper; and strive hard for God, as is His due. '''He has elected you, and has not put upon you any hindrance by your religion, — the faith of your father [[Abraham]]. He has named you [[Muslim|Muslims]] before''' and in this (book) that the Apostle may be a witness against you, and that ye may be witnesses against men. Be ye then steadfast in prayer, and give alms, and hold fast by God; He is your Sovereign, and an excellent Sovereign, and an excellent Helper ! 
** [[w:Al-Hajj|Quran 22:77-78]]

* God forbids you not respecting those who fight you not for religion, nor drive you forth from your homes, that you show them kindness and deal with them justly. Surely God loves the doers of justice. God forbids you only respecting those who fight you for religion, and drive you forth from your homes and help in your expulsion, that you make friends of them; and whoever makes friends of them, these are the wrongdoers. 
** [[w:Al-Mumtahanah|Quran 60:8-9]]

==See also==
* [[Muslim]]
* [[Muslim world]]
* [[Muhammad]]
* [[Sahaba]]
* [[Qur'an]]
* [[Sufism]]
* [[Islam and Christianity]]
* [[Farewell Sermon]]

==External links==
{{Similarlinks}}

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      <text bytes="14188" xml:space="preserve">'''''[[w:The Little Mermaid (1989 film)|The Little Mermaid]]''''' is a [[w:1989 in film|1989]] film by Walt Disney Pictures, based on the [[w:The Little Mermaid|fairy tale of the same name]] by [[w:Hans Christian Andersen|Hans Christian Andersen]].

: ''Written and directed by [[w:Ron Clements|Ron Clements]] and [[w:John Musker|John Musker]].
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== Dialogue ==
:''[Scuttle shows Ariel and Flounder a tobacco pipe]''
:'''Scuttle''': This, I haven't seen this in years. This is wonderful! A banded, bulbous snarfblatt.
:'''Ariel and Flounder''': Oh!
:'''Scuttle''': Now, the snarfblatt dates back to prehistorical times when humans used to sit around and stare at each other all day. Got very boring. So they invented this snarfblatt to make fine music. Allow me. ''[blows into it, only to have seaweed and water come out]''
:'''Ariel''': Music!
:'''Scuttle''': ''[coughs]'' It's stuck!
:'''Ariel''': Oh, the concert! Oh, my gosh! My father's gonna kill me!
:'''Flounder''': The concert was today?!
:'''Scuttle''': ''[inspects the &quot;snarfblatt&quot; further]'' Maybe you can make a little planter out of it or somethin'.
:'''Ariel''': ''[takes it back]'' I'm sorry! I've gotta go! Thank you, Scuttle!
:''[she and Flounder swim back home]''
:'''Scuttle''': Anytime, sweetie! Anytime.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ursula''': Yes. Hurry home, princess. We wouldn't want to miss old daddy's celebration, huh? Would we? ''[scoffs]'' Celebration, indeed. Oh, BAH! In my day, we had fantastical feasts, when I lived in the palace. ''[eats shrimp]'' And now, look at me. Wasted away to practically nothing. Banished and exiled and practically starving! While he and his flimsy fish folk celebrate. Well, I'll give 'em something to celebrate soon enough. ''[to her eels]'' FLOTSAM! JETSAM! I want you to keep an extra close watch on this pretty little daughter of his. She may be the key to Triton's undoing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Triton''': You went up to the surface again, didn't you? ''DIDN'T'' you?!
:'''Ariel''': Nothing happened.
:'''Triton''': ''[exasperatedly]'' Ariel, how many times must we go through this? You could've been seen by one of those barbarians. By... By one of those... ''HUMANS!''
:'''Ariel''': Daddy, they're not barbarians!
:'''Triton''': They are ''DANGEROUS!'' Do you think I want to see my youngest daughter snared by some fish-eater's hook?!
:'''Ariel''': I'm 16 years old! I'm not a child anymore!
:'''Triton''': Don't you take that tone of voice with me, young lady! As long as you live under my ocean, you'll obey ''MY'' rules!
:'''Ariel''': But if you would just listen!
:'''Triton''': ''NOT ANOTHER WORD!'' And I am never, ''NEVER'' to hear of you going to the surface again! ''IS THAT CLEAR?!''
:''[Ariel disappointedly swims away]''
:'''Sebastian''': Teenagers. Dey think dey know everything. You give dem an inch, dey swim all over you.
:'''Triton''': Do you think I was too hard on her?
:'''Sebastian''': Definitely not! Why, if Ariel was my daughter, I'd show her who was boss! None o' dis flitting to the surface and other such nonsense. No, sir! I'd keep her under tight control.
:'''Triton''': ''[smiles]'' You're absolutely right, Sebastian.
:'''Sebastian''': Of course.
:'''Triton''': Ariel needs constant supervision.
:'''Sebastian''': Constant.
:'''Triton''': Someone to watch over her. To keep her out of trouble.
:'''Sebastian''': All da time.
:'''Triton''': And ''YOU'' are just the crab to do it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Triton''': ''[angrily confronts Ariel in her grotto]'' I consider myself a reasonable merman. I set certain rules and I expect those rules to be obeyed.
:'''Ariel''': But Dad, I...!
:'''Triton''': Is it true you rescued a human from drowning?!
:'''Ariel''': Daddy, I had to.
:'''Triton''': Contact between the human world and the mer world is strictly forbidden! Ariel, you know that! Everyone knows that!
:'''Ariel''': He would've died!
:'''Triton''': One less human to worry about.
:'''Ariel''': ''[angrily]'' You don't even know him!
:'''Triton''': Know him? I don't have to know him! They're all the same: Spineless, savage, harpooning fish-eaters, incapable of any feeling.
:'''Ariel''': DADDY, I LOVE HIM! ''[shockingly gasps, as she has accidentally slipped the truth]''
:'''Triton''': ''[shocked]'' No. Have you lost your senses completely?! He's a HUMAN! You're a MERMAID!
:'''Ariel''': I don't care!
:'''Triton''': So help me, Ariel, I am going to get through to you. And if this is the only way, so be it!
:''[With his trident at full power, Triton furiously pointed it towards one of Ariel's treasures and angrily blasted it. The blast was intense and it spooked everyone, including Sebastian]''
:'''Ariel''': DADDY! NO, NO, PLEASE! ''[But Triton, in his rage, refused to stop. He continued furiously pointing his trident at one artifact and then another, mindlessly destroying everything in his path]'' DADDY, STOP! DADDY, STOP IT! ''[She swam to her angry father and tried stopping him, but it was no use. The only treasure left in the grotto was the statue of Eric. Seeing that he is now focused on that, Ariel turned to her angry father]'' DADDY, NO! ''[But Triton angrily ignored the pleas of his frightened daughter and angrily blasted the statue. Pieces of the statue flew around the grotto as the explosion subsided. The trident calmed down as she looked in horror at where the statue was. Her grotto, full of many treasures just minutes ago, was now a barren cave with much wreckage. Overcome with sadness, She collapsed onto the ground and started sobbing. Triton sternly looked at her daughter. But Triton, knowing that his time in the grotto was over, didn't say a word and turned to leave. But as he did, he couldn't help but feel that he went too far in scolding Ariel. He glimpsed at Ariel with remorse before leaving. Sebastian, Flounder were the only ones left in the grotto and they were all terrified at what just happened. Feeling terrible for Ariel, Sebastian approached the crying girl and tried to comfort her.]''
:'''Sebastian''': Ariel, I...
:'''Ariel:''' ''[softly]'' Just go away.
:''[Sebastian, remorseful for leading King Triton into the grotto, which resulted in the destruction of Ariel's treasures, leaves somberly with Flounder. Ariel was now on her own, sobbing over losing her treasures, all that she collected for years, and the Eric statue, the newest and most fascinating treasure of them all. She was now left with nothing.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ariel''': If I become human, I'll never be with my father or sisters again.
:'''Ursula''': That's right. But you'll have your man. Life's full of tough choices, innit?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Scuttle''': Ariel, I was flying. I was-- Of course I was flying. And I saw the watch-- the ''WITCH'' was watchin' the mirror, and she was singin' with a stolen set of pipes! DO YOU HEAR WHAT I'M TELLIN' YOU?! THE PRINCE IS MARRYING THE SEAWITCH IN DISGUISE!
: '''Sebastian''': Are you sure about this?
: '''Scuttle''': Have I ever been wrong? I MEAN, WHEN IT'S IMPORTANT?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Triton''': She really does love him, doesn't she, Sebastian?
:'''Sebastian''': Well, it's like I always say, your majesty, children got to be free to lead their own life.
:'''Triton''': You always say that?
:''[Sebastian smiles sheepishly]''
:'''Triton''': Then I guess there's just one problem left.
:'''Sebastian''': And what's that, your majesty?
:'''Triton''': How much I'm going to miss her.
:''[Sebastian stares at him in surprise as Triton uses his magic to turn Ariel into a human]''

== Songs ==
=== ''Daughters of Triton'' ===

: Ah, we are the daughters of Triton
: Great father who loves us and named us well
: Aquata, Andrina, Arista, Attina, Adella, Alana
: And then there is the youngest in her musical debut
: Our seventh little sister, we're presenting her to you
: To sing a song Sebastian wrote
: Her voice is like a bell
: She's our sister, Ari--

=== ''Part of Your World'' ===

: Look at this stuff, isn't it neat?
: Wouldn't you think my collection's complete?
: Wouldn't you think I'm the girl,
: The girl who has everything?

: Look at this trove, treasures untold,
: How many wonders can one cavern hold?
: Lookin' around here you'd think,
: 'Sure, she's got everything.'

=== ''Part of Your World'' Reprise ===
:'''Ariel''': What would I give to live where you are?
: What would I pay, to stay here beside you?
: What would I do to see you smiling at me?

: Where would we walk?
: Where would we run?
: If we could stay all day in the sun
: Just you and me
: And I could be
: Part of your world

: I don't know when
: I don't know how
: But I know something's starting right now
: Watch and you'll see
: Someday I'll be
: Part of your world

=== ''Under the Sea'' ===
: '''Sebastian''': Ariel, listen to me. The human world, it's a mess. Life under the sea is better than anything they got up there!
: ''[sings]'' The seaweed is always greener
: In somebody else's lake,
: You dream about going up there,
: But that is a big mistake.

: Just look at the world around you,
: Right here on the ocean floor.
: Such wonderful things around you.
: What more is you lookin' for?

: Under the Sea, under the sea.
: Darlin', it's better, down where it's wetter.
: Take it from me.
: Up on the shore, they work all day.
: Out in the sun they slave away,
: While we devoting full time to floating
: Under the sea.

=== ''Poor Unfortunate Souls'' ===
: '''Ursula''': The only way to get what you want is to become a human yourself.
: '''Ariel''': Can you do that?
: '''Ursula''': My dear sweet child, that's what I do. It's what I live for, to help unfortunate merfolk, like yourself. Poor souls with no one else to turn to.
: ''[sings]'' I admit that in the past I've been a nasty.
: They weren't kidding when they called me, well, a witch.
: But you'll find that nowadays,
: I've mended all my ways,
: Repented, seen the light and made a switch.
: True? Yes!

: And I fortunately know a little magic,
: It's a talent that I always have possessed.
: And here lately, please don't laugh,
: I use it on behalf
: Of the miserable, lonely, and depressed--
: Pathetic!

: Poor unfortunate souls, 
: In pain, in need.
: This one longing to be thinner,
: That one wants to get the girl,
: And do I help them? Yes, indeed!

=== ''Les Poissons'' ===
: '''Louis''':
: Les poissons, les poissons
: How I love les poissons
: Love to chop up and to serve little fish
: First I cut off their heads
: Then I pull out their bones
: Ah, mais oui, ca c'est
: Toujours delish.

=== ''Kiss the Girl'' ===
: '''Sebastian''': Percussion, strings, winds, words...

: There you see her
: Sitting there across the way
: She don't got a lot to say
: But there's something about her

: And you don't know why
: But you're dying to try
: You wanna kiss the girl

=== ''Vanessa's Song'' ===
: '''Vanessa''':
: What a lovely little bride I'll make, my dear, I'll look divine.
: Things are working out according to my ultimate design.
: Soon I'll have that little mermaid and the ocean will be mine!!

== Cast (voices) ==
* [[Jodi Benson]] — Ariel
* [[w:Christopher Daniel Barnes|Christopher Daniel Barnes]] — Prince Eric
* [[Samuel E. Wright]] — Sebastian
* [[Pat Carroll (actress)|Pat Carroll]] — Ursula
* [[w:Buddy Hackett|Buddy Hackett]] — Scuttle
* [[w:Jason Marin|Jason Marin]] — Flounder
* [[w:Kenneth Mars|Kenneth Mars]] — King Triton
* [[w:Paddi Edwards|Paddi Edwards]] — Flotsam and Jetsam

==Taglines==
* Somewhere under the sea and beyond your imagination is an adventure in fantasy.
* Love has no boundaries.

== About ''The Little Mermaid (1989 film)'' ==

* When we first proposed it, we knew that it was going to be really, really challenging. I mean, for a lot of reasons. But one of the big reasons is two-thirds of the movie takes place underwater. All that requires a lot of animation in this animated films. We have character animation. The artist who animate the characters. They’re kind of like actors. We always felt they are actors with a pencil. Glen Keane and Mark Henn who did Ariel. That’s what they do. Then, we have effects animators. Effects animators do the non-character stuff that moves which is like water waves or bubbles. Or fire or smoke or light effects, if there’s anything that moves that isn’t the character. This probably had more character animation than any Disney movie project since “Fantasia.” This really had a lot of effects, even with the character stuff — like whenever Ariel is underwater, her hair has to move all the time.  Hair moving underwater is tricky. We had a lot of meetings about hair.  One of the extras in the video is some of the live action footage that we shot for reference to see the hair floating.
:* [[w:Rob Clemens|Rob Clemens]] [http://www.beliefnet.com/columnists/moviemom/2013/09/interview-ron-clements-john-musker-little-mermaid-disney.html]

* You see at the heart of it, “The Little Mermaid” is the father-daughter story. It’s an overprotective father. There’s a daughter who is kind of adventurous and rebellious and wanting to see a new world. How do they resolve that? That story is still in place today.
:* [[w:John Musker|John Musker]] [http://www.beliefnet.com/columnists/moviemom/2013/09/interview-ron-clements-john-musker-little-mermaid-disney.html]

== See also ==

* ''[[The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea]]''
* ''[[The Little Mermaid: Ariel's Beginning]]''
== External links ==

{{wikipedia|The Little Mermaid (1989 film)}}
* {{imdb title | id=0097757 | title=The Little Mermaid}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Little Mermaid, The}}
[[Category:1989 films]]
[[Category:1980s American animated films]]
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[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical films]]
[[Category:Romance films]]
[[Category:Mermaid films]]
[[Category:Films directed by Ron Clements]]
[[Category:Films directed by John Musker]]</text>
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'''''[[w:The Grim Adventures of Billy &amp; Mandy|The Grim Adventures of Billy &amp; Mandy]]''''' (also known as '''''Billy &amp; Mandy''''') (2003–08), created by [[w:Maxwell Atoms|Maxwell Atoms]], is an [[w:United States|American]] [[w:animated television series|animated television series]] that aired on [[w:Cartoon Network|Cartoon Network]]. The two main characters, Billy and Mandy, have obliged the [[w:Death (personification)|Grim Reaper]] to be their best friend forever after having won a bet over a sick hamster. At the end of the Season 1 theme song if you play it in reverse it says, &quot;No, no this is the end of the show. You're watching it backwards.&quot;

For details about characters see [[w:List of Characters in The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy|the character list]].

== Season 1 ==
=== Meet the Reaper / Skeletons in the Water Closet [1.01] ===
:'''[[w:Mandy (Billy and Mandy)|Mandy]]''': ''[after the opening theme song]'' Whatever you do, don't look behind you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Billy and Mandy meet Grim for the first time]''
:'''[[w:Billy (Billy and Mandy)|Billy]]''':  Look! It's Santa! Santa Claus!
:'''Mandy''': That's not Santa, you stooge. That's the Grim Reaper.
:'''Billy''': ...Do I still get presents?
:'''[[w:Grim (Billy and Mandy)|Grim]]''': Uh... well... no... actually, I'm here for the hamster.
:'''Billy''': Oh boy, oh boy! You brought presents for Mr. Snuggles?!
:'''Grim''': No... I'm taking him away.
:'''Billy''': To the North Pole?
:'''Grim''': No. I'm...''[Mr. Snuggles bites Grim]'' Ah! Oof! Oof! Look, I'm just doing me job, but I´m afraid its CURTAINS for Mr. Snuggles.
:'''Billy''': ...You got him curtains?
:'''Mandy''': You'll have to forgive Billy — he's an idiot.
:'''Grim''': Look, aren't you two scared? Boo! Blah! Oh come on! I'm a walkin' skeleton! Isn't that scary?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Grim''': ''[laughs]'' I love games, and I never lose.
:'''Mandy''': Neither do I.

&lt;hr width= &quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Grim''': ''[upon losing the game of limbo]'' This is impossible! I'm the Grim Reaper! ''' 'MASTER OF THE FORCES OF ''LIFE AND DEATH!!''''' ''
:'''Mandy''': Not anymore.

&lt;hr width= &quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Grim''': ''[his head sitting next to Mandy]'' I loathe you. ''[Mandy smiles]'' Why me?

&lt;hr width= &quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Harold''': Gladys! Now, slowly. What the heck are you trying to say?
:'''Gladys''': B-B-B-Billy! ''[wails]''
:'''Harold''': Yes...
:'''Gladys''': Our son!
:'''Harold''': Yes!
:'''Gladys''': Our son has turned into a big spooky skeleton! ''[cries]''

=== Opposite Day / Look Alive! [1.02] ===

:'''[[w:Grim (Billy and Mandy)|Grim]]''': You and that wretched girlfriend of yours are bad enough separately, but together... you're insufferable.
:'''[[w:Billy (Billy and Mandy)|Billy]]''': Insufferable? I don't even know what that means. And hey, Mandy's not my girlfriend! She's just a FRIEND, who happens to be a GIRL, just like I happen to be a BOY, and you happen to be a SKELETON. It's the differences that make our planet so rich, diverse, and wonderful!
:''[Rainbows in the background]''
:'''Grim''': I still hate you, though. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Billy''': You think that was too mean?
:'''Mandy''': He said he didn't want to. You know what that means!
:'''Billy''': You're right.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[At Mandy's kitchen, Grim is doing the washing up alone]''
:'''Grim''': This bites! Those kids don't deserve the friends like me. Everyday, I play with them until my eyes bleed! (sniffs)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mandy''': OK, this is getting boring. Let's torture the Grim Reaper.
:'''Billy''': (leaving Mandy's room) OK.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mandy''': Oh, Grim!
:'''Grim''': Yes...
:'''Mandy''': My little dog, Saliva's feeling all so sad and lonely, could you cheer him up yourself?
:'''Grim''': Cheer him up myself?!
:'''Mandy''': Oh, Grim! Won't you please cheer him up one little kiss ought to do it. You know, you want to.
:'''Grim''': Ugh! I am NOT going to kiss your stinky, smelly, drooling mutt!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Grim''': (sobbing) I hate you so much! I'm so miserable!
:'''Billy''': That's good, cause misery goes nice with PIE!
:'''Grim''': That's it. I've HAD IT!! (slices the pie)
:'''Mandy''': Hey, thank you slicing the pie, Grim.
:'''Billy''': Yeah! And WE deserve a nice treat about NOW!

===Mortal Dilemma / Get Out of My Head! [1.03]===
:'''[[w:Mandy (Billy and Mandy)|Mandy]]''': ''[in Milkshakes' body]'' You know, Billy... you can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose... but you can't pick your friend's nose.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[w:Harold (Billy and Mandy)|Harold]]''': Son, it's awfully hard to read the paper through your butt. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[w:Grim (Billy and Mandy)|Grim]]''': ''[singing, while in Milkshake's (Billy's cat) body]''
:''Look at me, I'm a kitty cat!''
:''I wear a bowl of peanuts for a hat.''
:''If I eat them all, I will get fat.''
:''Blah blah blah, I'm a kitty caaaaat!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Billy and Grim are watching B production horror film]''
:'''[[w:Billy (Billy and Mandy)|Billy]]''': This is scary! Let's watch something else!
:'''Grim''': Aw, come on! I've seen scarier stuff in your toilet!
:'''Billy''': True.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mandy''': Hey, Irwin!
:'''Irwin''': ''[to Billy in Mandy's Head]'' ''(screams a little bit)''  Uh... Hi, Mandy.
:'''Mandy''': YOU are such a cutie!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Billy''': Gee, Milkshake. I think Mandy might be mad at me now. I think I deserve on an account of all the naughty stuff I made her do. I deserved to be punished.
:'''Mandy''': ''[Now inside Milkshake's body]'' Touching.
:'''Billy''': M-M-M-Mandy?!
:'''Mandy''': You know, Billy, you can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose.

=== Fiend Is Like Friend Without &quot;R&quot; [1.04] ===
:'''[[W:Nergal (Billy and Mandy)|Nergal]]''': You've come back to save the children?
:'''[[w:Mandy (Billy and Mandy)|Mandy]]''': Yeah, what's up with that?
:'''[[W:Grim (Billy and Mandy)|Grim]]''': Umm... well... I'm just taking them with me so I can eat them later.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Grim''': That was a great idea kicking Nergal in the shin! I wonder why I didn't think of that?
:'''Mandy''': That's because you have no brain. Speaking of no brain, where's Billy?
:'''[[W:Billy (Billy and Mandy)|Billy]]''': ''[talking to a cardboard cutout of Mandy]'' Gee, Mandy, it sure was a great idea kicking Nergal in the shin like that. ''[many hours later]'' Hey, did you do something to your hair?

=== Recipe for Disaster [1.05] ===
:'''Woman''': Eat pepper spray, you freak! [sprays Grim in the face]
:'''Grim''': It doesn't hurt; I have no eyes.

=== A Dumb Wish [1.06] ===
:'''Mandy''': ''[looking sad]'' What have I done? Everybody has vanished off the face of the Earth. Because of that last dumb wish, I'm alone now. No Billy, no Grim, no Grim's mom, nobody. ''[smirks sneakily]'' PERFECT.

=== Grim Vs. Mom / Tastes like Chicken [1.07] ===
:'''Harold''': Honey, are you okay?
:'''Gladys''': Never better! I just needed some time to relax after my skeleton episode!
:'''[[w:Harold (Billy and Mandy)|Harold]]''': There is somebody I would like you to meet. ''[introduces Gladys to the Grim Reaper.]'' This is Billy's new friend, George, Grimmy... or something.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gladys''': It's time to kick it up a notch!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[W:Grim (Billy and Mandy)|Grim]]''': She may have won the battle, but she has NOT won the war.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Phil''': I've just brought the shrimp on the barbie!
:'''Harold''': Yeah! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Grim''': Ask not for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee!

This quote is taken from &quot;[[Wikisource:Meditation XVII|Meditation XVII]]&quot; of ''Devotions Upon Emergent Occasions'', a 1624 metaphysical poem by '''[[W:John Donne|John Donne]]''': &quot;No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend's or of thine own were. Any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind; and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.&quot;

=== Grim or Gregory / Something Stupid This Way Comes [1.08] ===

:'''[[w:Billy (Billy and Mandy)|Billy]]''': I'm a mummy! Made out of toilet paper!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[w:Grim (Billy and Mandy)|Grim]]''': Atrocia, you've stolen my heart. Good thing I've got three or four more in the freezer.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Mandy enters with a halloween costume.]''
:'''[[w:Billy (Billy and Mandy)|Billy]]''': Hey, Mandy, what are you supposed to be?
:'''[[w:Mandy (Billy and Mandy)|Mandy]]''': I am a ruthless high-priced prosecuting attorney.
:'''Grim''': Then what's with the claws?
:'''Mandy''':''[Pauses and looks at them.]'' They're for rending human flesh.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mandy''': Since you are now Greg, and therefore have no stomach, I claim all your candy.
:''[Gregory starts to sniffle.]''
:'''Billy''': Aw, see what you've done, Mandy. You made Grim cry!
:'''Mandy''': I'll let you know when I start to care.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Mandy busts the door open, hitting Billy straight in the mouth with a super soaker, then turns around and does the same to Grim. She walks up to Billy]''
:'''Billy''': Ooh... why is the ground shaking?
:'''Mandy''': That's called &quot;[[W:Combat stress reaction|shellshock]]&quot;. ''[points super soaker at him]'' And this is called a &quot;[[W:Coup de grâce|coup de grâce]]&quot;.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[W:Nergal (Billy and Mandy)|Nergal]]''': Hello! Hel-lo, it's you.
:'''Mandy''': NERGAL.
:'''Grim''': You are unpleasant to be around.
:'''Nergal''': Oh, come on, what did I ever do to you? ''[Mandy and Grim just stare]'' Heh-heh... I mean, besides the kidnappings and electrocutions?
:'''Billy''': Go back to the center of the world, you bum! ''[throws cotton candy at him]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mandy''': Hope is wasted on the hopeless.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Billy is teaching Nergal how to make friends]''
:'''Billy''': Remember, if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.
:'''Nergal''': ''[to Pud'n]'' Nice shot, bucko! ''[to a woman standing in the road]'' You're not completely hideous! ''[to a fat kid eating ice cream and pizza]'' You're tremendous-ly adorable.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Nergal''': ''[attempting friendly conversation with Pud'n on a ferris wheel]'' Obviously I should have known that when the boils became infected I would be... ''[conversation fades out as the wheel turns as the audience is left to guess what else is said]'' ...by this point the stench was unmerciful and took thirty... ''[fades out again - upon returning, Pud'n is looking thoroughly unwell]'' ...the wounds were boiling over with some sort of viscous... ''[fades out again - Pud'n is then heard vomiting]'' ...by Tuesday the whole ear canal was infested with... ''[fades out again, Grim and Mandy look unimpressed]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Nergal''': [after hearing that Billy and Mandy force Grim to be their friend] &quot;Of course, all the good things in life must be taken by force.&quot;  [stops with a look of realization on his face] &quot;[whispers] Now I know what to do.
:'''Billy''': &quot;What?
:'''Nergal''': [revealing his tentacles menacingly] &quot;I MUST MAKE PEOPLE BE MY FRIENDS!&quot;

=== A Grim Surprise / Beast and Barbarians [1.09] ===

:'''Gollum''': Are you here for the ring?
:'''[[w:Mandy (Billy and Mandy)|Mandy]]''': What ring?
:'''Gollum''': He wears the ring will have the power to someone embarrassed and something are dead who will obey the disaster's command. He's very horrible!
:'''Mandy''': Oh, yeah. I could use one of those. You have such a ring?
:'''Gollum''': Of course, I'm the keeper. But first, you must answer my riddle.
:''[dramatic music, close-up at Gollum's face]''
:'''Gollum''': What is black and blue... and red all over?
:'''Mandy''': That would be you if I don't get that ring... pronto!

=== Billy's Growth Spurt / Billy and the Bully [1.11] ===
:'''Sperg''': I'm afraid of you! YAAAAAAH! (he runs away)
:'''[[w:Mandy (Billy and Mandy)|Mandy]]''': Well, that takes care of that.
:'''[[w:Billy (Billy and Mandy)|Billy]]''': (with a pity expression) Aw... Did I have to be so hard on him? SPERG! WAIT UP! (He runs after Sperg)
:''(Sperg is crying and weeping in his bedroom)''
:'''Billy''': Gee, Sperg. Sorry about you being a chicken and all.
:'''Sperg''': (tearfully) All I ever wanted was to be loved. To care... to be cared for! (sobs weakly)
:'''Billy''': Here.
:'''Sperg''': Thanks. (blows his nose of the pink napkin)
:'''Billy''': Let's be FRIENDS!
:'''Sperg''': (sniffs tearfully) Really? Even after all those wedgies?
:'''Billy''': Friendship is better than wedgies!

=== Big Trouble in Billy's Basement / Tickle Me Mandy [1.12] ===

:'''[[w:Grim (Billy and Mandy)|Grim]]''': Man's loneliness is only his fear of life.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''New Mandy''': ''[repeated line]'' Play! Play! Play!

=== Little Rock of Horror / Dream a Little Dream [1.13] ===

:'''[[w:Billy (Billy and Mandy)|Billy]]''': Hey Mandy, wanna play? I've got bread. ''[holds up a loaf of bread]''
:'''[[W:Mandy (Billy and Mandy)|Mandy]]''': I'm busy. Go play in traffic.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[w:Little Rock of Horror / Dream a Little Dream|Brain-eating Meteor]]''': ...and bring me some ''BRAAAAAAAAAAAAINS''!
:'''Billy''': Okay! Don't wory new buddy, I'll get ya' all sorts of BRAINS!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Dream Mandy''': &quot;Resisance is useless.&quot; 
:&quot;Obey. Obey. You must Obey.&quot; 
:&quot;You can't resist.&quot; 
:&quot;Do what I say.&quot; 
:&quot;Do the dishes.&quot;
:&quot;Walk the dog.&quot; 
:&quot;Clean the cat box.&quot;  
:&quot;Slop the hog.&quot;
:&quot;Obey, Obey. Do as I say.&quot;
:&quot;You can't resist.&quot; 
:&quot;Don't be that way!&quot;
:&quot;Take the trash out.&quot; 
:&quot;Wash my clothes.&quot; 
:&quot;Eat my socks.&quot; 
:&quot;And wipe my nose.&quot;
:&quot;Give us cookies&quot;
:&quot;Make my bed&quot;
:&quot;Let's play soccer&quot;
:&quot;With your head!&quot;
:&quot;Give up, give in&quot;
:&quot;Do what we say&quot;
:&quot;You must obey&quot;
:&quot;You must obey&quot;
:&quot;You can't resist.&quot;
:&quot;Don't back away!&quot;
:&quot;You'll never win.&quot; 
:&quot;We'll have our way!&quot;

== Season 2 ==

=== Toadblatt's School of Sorcery / Educating Grim / It's Hokey Mon! [2.01] ===
:'''Billy''': They sended me to Fat Math Camp!
:'''Mandy''': And I'm being sent to Happy Fun Girls Camp of Joy and Niceness! ''[shudders]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Nigel Planter''': That was my best idea ever!
:'''[[w:Mandy (Billy and Mandy)|Mandy]]''': That was MY idea.
:'''Nigel Planter''': Man, I'm awesome!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Nigel is about to be pummelled by the giant one-eyed dwarf as punishment]''
:'''Nigel Planter''': Oh, come on! It was all Mandy's idea! I swear!
:'''Mandy''': Don't be so modest, Nigel. Take credit where credit is due!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''TV Announcer''': And now, back to ''Love Problems''.
:'''Actor''': I love you... but I have a problem.
:'''Actress''': ''[teary-eyed]'' But...
:''[Mandy turns off the television]''
:'''[[W:Grim (Billy and Mandy)|Grim]]''': Hey! I was watching that!
:'''Mandy''': Not anymore. Now hurry up, or you'll be late to school.
:'''Grim''': I am the Grim Reaper, I don't have to go to school.
:'''[[w:Billy (Billy and Mandy)|Billy]]''': This episode, you... DO!
:'''Grim''': ''[whining]'' But I don't wanna!
:'''Mandy''': We all gotta go sometime.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mandy''': ''[talking about Grim]'' He's an exchange student, from the underworld.
:'''Mindy''': ...Where's that?
:'''Mandy''': Why don't you go there and find out?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[w:Irwin (Billy and Mandy)|Irwin]]''': I miss Grim.
:'''Billy''': We don't need Grim! We have Abe!
:'''Abraham Lincoln''': Four score and ten years ago... or was it twenty? Our great forefathers... Oh, why can't I get this? WHY?!
:'''Irwin''': He's scaring me.
:'''Billy''': Don't look at him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mandy''': And what would you two dweebs do with real-life Hokeymonsters?
:'''Billy''': Oh, yeah! We'd be like rock stars! Or news anchormen!
:'''Billy and Irwin''': Chicks would dig us!

=== Night of the Living Grim / Brown Evil (part 1 and 2) [2.02] ===
:'''[[w:Billy (Billy and Mandy)|Billy]]''': It's time to eat some slime!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Billy''': We're being attacked by non-toxic edible green slime monsters!&lt;br&gt;'''[[w:Mandy (Billy and Mandy)|Mandy]]''': Have you been drinking out of the toilet again?&lt;br&gt;'''Billy''': Y-Maybe...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[House is been surrounded by zombies.]''&lt;br&gt;'''[[w:Grim (Billy and Mandy)|Grim]]''': Don't look at me, mon. I already put these dudes down once.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mandy''': It's Hoss Delgado!&lt;br&gt;'''Grim''': It's Hoss Delgado?&lt;br&gt;'''Billy''': It's Pat the Baker!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mandy''': The zombies are after brains, so we sent Billy out to fight them.&lt;br&gt;'''Billy''': I'm the man!&lt;br&gt;'''Mandy''': Correct, he IS the man. The man who has no brain!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Giant Zombie''': More brownies!&lt;br&gt;'''Grim''': No! No! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!&lt;br&gt;'''Mandy''': Ew. Gross.&lt;br&gt;'''Billy''': Grim's kissing a zombie!

=== Mandy the Merciless / Creating Chaos / Really Odd Couple [2.03] ===

:''[In a tall spire in the middle of a futuristic city, Grim approaches Mandy who is sitting on a massive throne]''
:'''[[W:Grim (Billy and Mandy)|Grim]]''': Empress, the new Billy has just arrived.
:'''[[w:Mandy (Billy and Mandy)|Mandy]]''': ''[Computer Voice]'' Excellent. Send him in.
:''[A &quot;Mandy-bot&quot; wheels in a tube containing a Billy with a number on his shirt, smashing the tube open on the floor so he spills out]''
:'''[[W:Billy (Billy and Mandy|Billy]] clone''': Where... am I?
:'''Mandy''': Hello, BILLY.
:'''Billy clone''': Mandy, is that you? There's something different about you, I can't put my finger on it... is it your hair!
:'''Mandy''': You didn't notice I'm now a hideous, disgusting, worm-like creature?
:'''Billy clone''': ...Are you sure it's not your hair?
:'''Grim''': I swear these Billy's get dumber with each cloning.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mandy''': If we take you fishing with us, you PROMISE not to moan of boredom the whole time?
:'''Billy''': Yeah!
''(on the boat)''
:'''Billy''': Mooooaaaan... mooooooaaaaaan... MOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAN...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[At Billy's house, Billy is crying louder, with Grim sitting on the sofa]''
:'''Billy''': Mandy hates me! I'M A REAL JERK! ''[bangs head four times]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Billy is staring at a freshly painted wall]''
:'''[[W:Eris (Billy and Mandy)|Eris]]''': You're watching the PAINT DRY?!
:'''Billy''': Shh, this is the best part. ''[goes back to staring]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mandy''': See? I knew we could work things out. Yes, I know you're sorry. I'm glad you see it my way.

=== Who Killed Who? / Tween Wolf [2.04] ===
:'''[[w:Mandy (Billy and Mandy)|Mandy]]''': Turn it up so you can hear the screaming. ''[Mandy flies up to the black screen as the screaming of a woman was heard offscreen]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mandy''': Billy. Oh, Billy. 
:'''Billy''': Mandy, is that you? ''[sees Mandy]'' Oh, Mandy, it's, uh, nice to see you again. 
:'''Mandy''': Is that so, Billy? Is that so? ''[coming out of the shadows, revealing to be a 'ghost']'' 
:'''Billy''': ''[gasps]'' No! I mean you're all white like a... 
:'''Mandy''': Ghost? 
:'''Billy''': Uhhh, yeah! 
:'''Mandy''': And it's all because you wouldn't let me play your game, because I was a girl. 
:'''Billy''': No! No! I uh... 
:'''Mandy''': ''[shakes the dice]'' Well, now that I'm a ghost, it's my turn to play ''[rolls the dice]'' Who Killed Who! 
:'''Billy''': ''[reads the words &quot;BEHIND YOU&quot;]'' Behind you? Behind me? ''[looks at the wall that says &quot;BILLY IN THE HALLWAY WITH THE DICE BY...&quot;]'' Billy in the hallway with the dice by... By... 
:'''Mandy''': By? 
:'''Mrs. Doolin''': Meeeeee! 
:'''Billy''': ''[screams offscreen]'' I'm sorry, Mandy! You can play! You can play! Girls are allowed!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[w:Grim (Billy and Mandy)|Grim]]''': Hey Mandy, watch me pull a werewolf out of the hat!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Grim is watching a B production horror film]''
:'''Mandy''': Grim, we have a werewolf problem.
:'''Grim''': Yeah. The real werewolf would never use that brand of razors.
:'''Mandy''': No, the real werewolf. Billy must have got it from your stupid hat.
:'''Grim''': And is he tearing him limb by limb?
:'''Mandy''': No...
:'''Grim''': Aw.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Gladys''': Honey, we can't keep the dog. It's a filthy disease carrier and smells like garbage.
:'''[[w:Billy (Billy and Mandy)|Billy]]''': But I smell like garbage and you keep me!

=== Grim in Love / Love is Evol Spelled Backwards / Crushed [2.05] ===

:'''[[w:Grim (Billy and Mandy)|Grim]]''': There's nothing that a bucket of spiders can't fix.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[w:Mandy (Billy and Mandy)|Mandy]]''': As I was saying, romance is for the weak-minded.

=== The Crawling Niceness / Smarten Up! / The Grim Show [2.06] ===
:'''[[w:Billy (Billy and Mandy)|Billy]]''': Bugs are the groosiest! I hate bugs! Hate! HATE! '''HATE!'''
:''[pauses]''
:'''Billy''': I'm bored.
:'''[[w:Mandy (Billy and Mandy)|Mandy]]''': Go get me a soda, stupid.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[arrives at the trunk]''
:'''Billy''': Ah, let's see. ''[digs through trunk]'' Soda, soda... sadistic doll, bag of grave dust, ritual dagger, monkey paw, Ouija board, eye of newt, devil's triangle, dark prince stone, shampoo, giant egg... ''[throws out egg, but quickly catches it before it hits the ground]'' ''GIANT EGG?!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Billy''': Oh, good! You came to squish the bug?
:'''Mandy''': No. ''[punches Billy]'' We're here to kick the crud out of you for waking us up at 3 a.m. to squish a bug!
:'''Billy''': You don't get it, man! It was a BIG bug!
:'''[[w:List of characters in The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy#Jeff the Spider|Jeff the Spider]]''': Oh, there you are! I figured it out and I'm so sorry. You're obviously allergic to banana bread. Anyway, I didn't mean to interrupt, I'll just go finish alphabetizing your toys. ''[walks away whistling]''
:'''[[w:Grim (Billy and Mandy)|Grim]]''': Billy, did THAT come out of my trunk?
:'''Billy''': Maybe, just squish it.
:'''Grim''': No. I warned you not to touch my trunk! ''[kicks Billy towards a flower vase and leaves]''
:'''Billy''': Mandy, you gotta help me!
:'''Mandy''': My services don't come cheap.
:'''Billy''': ''[kisses Mandy's foot]'' Please. ''[kisses Mandy's foot twice]'' I'll do anything!
:'''Mandy''': You'll give me your allowance for the next six months, and the next time I tell you to get me a soda, I expect to see results!!
:'''Billy''': Yes, just squish it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Billy''': Is it done? Did you squish it good?!
:'''Mandy''': Jeff and I had a long talk...
:'''Billy''': And then you squished him?!
:'''Mandy''': ...well, he made this very nice sweater for me.
:''[short pause]''
:'''Mandy''': I'm going home.

=== Son of Nergal / Sister Grim / Go Kart 3000! [2.07] ===
:'''[[w:Nergal Junior|Nergal Jr.]]''': But Dad, I don't want to go to camp. I won't fit in with all the other kids.
:'''[[w:Nergal (Billy and Mandy)|Nergal]]''': Fit in? Now, why would you think that you won't fit in?
:'''Nergal Jr.''': Dad, I'm an egg!

:'''Grim (as Go Kart).''': I'm a bone-machine, man!

=== Terror of the Black Night / Battle of the Bands / Halls of Time [2.08] ===

:'''[[w:Mandy (Billy and Mandy)|Mandy]]''': No. I never lose. I just choose not to win.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[On a renaissance fair.]''
:'''[[w:Grim (Billy and Mandy)|Grim]]''': I had so much fun with the real [[w:Black Death|Black Plague]], but this just stinks!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Grim''': Don't make me go medieval on your -
:'''Irwin''': ''[interrupting]'' As I was saying...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[w:Billy (Billy and Mandy)|Billy]]''': Dad? Dad?! DAD!
:'''[[w:Harold (Billy and Mandy)|Harold]]''': For the last time Billy, I'm... '''MOOOOOGAAAAAAR'''!
:'''[[w:Billy (Billy and Mandy)|Billy]]''': I didn't know you could fly!
:'''[[w:Harold (Billy and Mandy)|Harold]]''':  ''Fly? [He realizes he can't fly and begins to fall to the ground]'' AAUUUUUGGGH!!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[w:Irwin (Billy and Mandy)|Irwin]]''': I'm pretty sure my mother doesn't allow me to go to the netherworld.

=== Grim for a Day / Chicken Ball Z [2.09] ===

:''[Billy changed place with the Grim Reaper for a day. He is preparing for his first day at the work.]''
:'''[[w:Billy (Billy and Mandy)|Billy]]''': Being the Grim Reaper is so much fun!
:'''[[w:Mandy (Billy and Mandy)|Mandy]]''': Now when you're the Grim Reaper, you'll need Grim's list.
:'''Billy''': What's Grim's list?
:'''Mandy''': His &quot;To-Do&quot; list!
:'''Billy''': &quot;To-Do&quot; WHAT list? ''[stares confused.]'' Yes... To-Do list...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Billy''': I am the Grim Reaper... Come to-! 
:'''Old Man Voorhees''': Yes, yes, of course you are. How the time flies... who knew it was Halloween again?
:'''Billy''': Halloween?
:'''Old Man Voorhees''': There you go, little fella'! ''[gives Billy a candy and closes the door.]''
:'''Billy''': ''[whiney voice]'' But I'm the Grim Reaper!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Billy and Grim have finished switching bodies.]''
:'''Mandy''': I need to stop drinking steak sauce.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Mandy is teaching Billy to do martial arts.]''
:'''Mandy''': Put your hands UP, Billy! ''[Mandy hits him]'' I said defend yourself! ''[Mandy hits him again]'' Come on, Billy. ''[Mandy hits him again]'' Come on, Billy! ''[Mandy hits him again]'' COME ON, Billy! ''[Mandy hits Billy yet again, and his nose deflates]'' What's with you, Billy? You'll never learn to defend yourself at this rate!
:'''Billy''': I think my brain oozed to my nose.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mandy''': Grim, I want you to make me a black belt so I can enter the junior karate championship.
:'''[[W:Grim (Billy and Mandy)|Grim]]''': Listen, you! I'm tired of wasting me powers on your dumb little requests. It's always &quot;Grim-do-this, Grim-do-that&quot;. I'm sick and TIRED of it, not YOU!
:'''Billy''': Grim, I wanna be spider-monkey!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[w:Sperg (Billy and Mandy)|Sperg]]''': You got something to say to me, Squirt?
:'''Mandy''': Your mother has a job and is a respected member of the community.
:'''Sperg''': No one talks about my mother that way!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mandy''': You look like a nerd.
:'''Billy''': When I left you, I was but a nerd. Now, ''I'' am the master!
[''A reference to the original [[Star Wars]] film.'']

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mandy''': Give it up Billy. You can't win!
:'''Billy''': [bleches] BEURRRPPPP!!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Billy and Mandy are in the Junior Karate Tournament, beating each other up]''&lt;br&gt;'''Announcer''': They're doing the most horrible things to each other! I've never seen someone's spine bend that way!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mandy''': It looks like I'll have to use my full power to fight you, Billy.
:'''Billy''': Bring it on, Babycakes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Grim''': I can't believe I'm free of those little brats.
:'''[[w:Eris (Billy and Mandy)|Eris]]''': And I got jiggy with the chaos!
:'''Grim''': Everyone wins!
:'''Mandy''': No, I win, and I want my $50,000!
:'''Billy''': And I want a snow cone!

=== Billy &amp; Mandy's Jacked Up Halloween [2.10]===
:'''Grim''': That was a great trick, Mandy.
:'''Mandy''': All in a night's work. ''[eat a piece of candy]''
:'''Billy''': Why do people do tricks on Halloween?
:'''Grim''': I suppose that's partly my fault. ''[eats a chocolate]'' You see, it all started a long time ago, here in Endsville, when it's just a tiny village. Now, every village has its problems, and Jack was Endsville's problem. Now, Jack was just a pleasant guy; it's just that he had this one weakness... he loved pulling pranks... Now everyone enjoys a good laugh every now and then, but the problem with Jack was that he just didn't know when to stop... Rumor had it he'd stay up through the night inventing new tricks, then he'd laugh himself to sleep... 'Til the townspeople couldn't take it no more, so they devised a prank of their own that would teach Jack a lesson once and for all! They sent a prank gift to the queen and signed it from Jack. 
:'''Mandy''': ''[skeptically]'' Endsville had a queen?
:'''Grim''': Hey! Who's telling this story?! Now, everyone knew the queen had no sense of humor, but she did receive gifts... especially candy. But when she opened her gift from Jack, well... the rest is history. Jack had to be taught a lesson... That's when I made the scene. Well, it was his time, but the guy refused to go... I underestimated his power...
:'''Billy''': And then...?
:'''Grim''': He took me scythe! Well, he wanted to strike a bargain so he could keep playing pranks for all eternity. If I granted him eternal life, he give me back my scythe.
:'''Billy''': Did you give it to him?
:'''Grim''': Well, I had no choice. I granted him eternal life. But the Grim Reaper does not like being tricked, so I decided that Jack would not be showing his face around town again... ever! 
:'''Billy''': Y-you cut his head off?!
:'''Grim''': Yep. ''[casually eats more candy]''
:'''Mandy''': Wow, Grim. Impressive. Didn't think you had it in you.
:'''Billy''': What happened next?
:'''Grim''': I hear that Jack got himself a pumpkin and wears it as his new head... Time passed, and so did the story of Jack O'Lantern. It is said he still lives in that old house, untouched by time... trapped by a ever-changing world that does not understand him. Every Halloween night, Jack emerges with a sack full of tricks, and he plays terrible pranks on the people of Endsville... So Billy, that's why people trick on Halloween.
:'''Billy''': Oh, that is the lamest story I ever heard! I'm SO sure - Jack the evil pumpkin-head prankster! Well, I don't buy it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Billy''': ''[knocking on Jack O'Lantern's door with scythe]'' Trick or treat! Trick or treat! 
:''The door opens, and Jack pokes head out. Billy continues to knock on Jack's head, stops when he finally notices him, and then knocks a final time.''
:'''Jack O'Lantern''': ''[irriated]'' WHAT?!
:'''[[w:Billy (Billy and Mandy)|Billy]]''': Trick, or treat. ''[holds out bag]''
:'''Jack O'Lantern''': ''[menacingly]'' Do you KNOW who I am?
:'''Billy''': ...No. Trick or treat! 
:'''Jack O'Lantern''': Very well, then. Trick! ''[throws skunk into bag, slams door]''
:'''Billy''': Wow! My very own pet skunk! Hey, little guy, my name's Billy- ''[gets skunked]'' He likes me.
:'''Jack O'Lantern''': ''[comes out house with sack]'' Out of the way, kid. As you can see, I have more important pranks to pull. So get lost, and take that phony scythe with you. ''[pushes scythe away]''
:'''Billy''': Phony?! Hey! This scythe ain't phony! It's the real thing!
:''Close up on scythe blade shows Grim's name and address.''
:'''Jack O'Lantern''': ''[gasps]'' The real scythe?! Give it to me!
:'''Billy''': Oh no, Grim said the scythe could open a vortex to the Underworld, and, in the wrong hands, it could be a... a...
:'''Jack O'Lantern''': A disaster? ''[pulls feather from hat, proceeds to tickle Billy with it]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jack O'Lantern''': The oldest trick in the book, and you fell for it, my boy. Now ''I'' have the scythe and ALL of its terrible powers!
:'''Billy''': ''[laughs]'' You're fun! You wanna trick-or-treat with me?
:'''Jack O'Lantern''': Trick-or-treat with you? ... Sure. Do you mind if I bring a few... &quot;friends&quot;? ''[grins menacingly, drools]''
:'''Billy''': ''[naïvely]'' You could never have enough friends.
:'''Jack O'Lantern''': I'm beginning to like you, kid. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Billy''': So where are your friends, Jack? All I see around here are a bunch of stupid pumpkins!
:'''Jack O'Lantern''': Patience, my boy. Here they come.
:''Jack lifts the scythe and slices open a spacial rift in the clouds, unleashing hundreds of demons from the Underworld.'' 
:'''Jack O'Lantern''': Allow me to introduce you to my friends! ... With the Grim Reaper's scythe at my side, chaos will reign! Be free, spirits of the Underworld! Take these pumpkin for bodies and live again! Together, we will rule the night and take our revenge on the people of Endsville! Now it's OUR turn to walk the streets while the people of Endsville coward in THEIR homes! The sun will never rise again, and it will be Halloween every night... FOREVER! ''[laughs manically]''
:'''Billy''': Now that's what I call Halloween spirit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Billy''': Hi, Grim! How's your Halloween been so far?
:'''Grim''': Billy! Where's my scythe?!
:'''Jack O'Lantern''': You mean this? Nyah-ho-yah-tcha-tcha!
:'''Grim''': Jack O'Lantern! Give me my scythe!
:'''Jack O'Lantern''': Sorry, but I'll be needing it to control the universe! ''[thrusts scythe threateningly at Grim]'' And cut your head off like you did mine!
:'''Billy''': Oh, have you two met? Grim, Jack. Jack, Grim.
:'''Grim''': ''[strained]'' We've met!
:'''Jack O'Lantern''': Well, relax, old friend. DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD!

:'''Irwin''': Hi, Mandy! I'm Little Bo Peep, and I've lost-
:'''Mandy''': ''[coldly]'' Your mind, you lost your mind, Irwin.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jack O'Lantern''': Three hundred and sixty-four days a year, I can't even go to the ding-dong grocery store to buy pudding! And do you know WHY?
:'''Billy''': ''[raises hand]'' Ooh, ooh, is it because you're a pumpkin-headed freak?
:'''Jack O'Lantern''': ''Yes''! And why is THAT?
:'''Billy''': Is it 'cause Grim cut your real head off?
:'''Jack O'Lantern''': Yeees... And tonight, I'm going to return the favor! ''[evil grin]''
:'''Billy''': You're going to cut Grim's head off? Don't be such an idiot. ''[pushes scythe away from Grim's neck]'' Grim's head is removable; observe.
:''He removes Grim's head repeatedly to prove his point.''
:'''Jack O'Lantern''': Ah, but any head cut off with the Grim Reaper's scythe stays off... FOREVER!!!
:'''Billy''': ''[frowns]'' That's a different story. Sorry, Grim ol' boy, tough break. Well... ''[walks away]'' We sure had some good times together, eh, Grim?
:'''[[w:Grim (Billy and Mandy)|Grim]]''': ''[guffaws]'' You're just going to leave me here?!
:'''Jack O'Lantern''': Now, now, that's no way to get ''a head''!
:'''Grim''': That's not funny...
:'''Jack O'Lantern''':  Come on, now, ''[snaps fingers]'' where's your sense of humor?
:''A tree demon ties Grim up and forces him to lean over on a tree stump execution-style. Jack O'Lantern laughs deviously and walks away. He returns with a basket, whistling casually as he drops it under Grim's head.''
:'''Grim''': Oh, poop.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''While walking away, Billy whistles casually. Then a lightbulb goes on over his head as he realizes the whole decapitation issue. The lightbulb smashes on his head.''
:'''Billy''': ''[panicked]'' Grim's in trouble! ''[starts to run, yelling]'' Help, police!
:'''Mandy''': You screwed up again, didn't you?
:'''Billy''': ''[still panicked]'' Mandy, I've met Jack O'Lantern and he got Grim's scythe and he's crazy! And then we got candy and crush cards ''[calmly]'' and that was fun... ''[panicked again]'' But then, we found Grim and then Jack, him. Ooh, and now he's going to cut off Grim's head and I don't know what to do cause it's going to be cut off forever and stuff! And why the heck are you pouring super-hot sauce into that milk, girl?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[at the end.]''
:'''Billy''': You know Grim, if you didn't give me the scythe in the first place, this kind of thing would never happened!
:''Pause.''
:'''Grim''': I hate you, Billy.

== Season 3 ==

=== Spider's Little Daddy / Tricycle of Terror [3.01] ===

:'''Billy''': I HATE BUGS! OH MY GOSH! WHAT IF I TURN INTO A BUG RIGHT NOW?!
:'''Mandy''': Let's do a bug test. Tell me the first thing that crawls into your little brain. Lady.
:'''Billy''': Bug!
:'''Mandy''': June.
:'''Billy''': Bug!
:'''Mandy''': Yo sucka don't be...
:'''Billy''': Buggin'!
:'''Mandy''': Yep. You're turning into a bug.
:'''Billy''': ''(screams)'' '''''BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUG!!!!!!!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Billy rides the bike.)''
:'''Billy''': The bike rocks! The wheels are like circles! ''(The bike crashes and he falls)'' The bike is fine. I should still be able to ride it at home. ''(The bike catches on fire)'' I'm sweating, I should get one lemonade.
:''[Cut to timecard &quot;An awful lot of lemonade later&quot;, with the '''Male Narrator''' reading it, then back to Billy with a bloated belly]''
:'''Billy''': Who needs a dumb bike to have fun anyway? Walking can be its own reward. Come on, legs, you can do it.
:'''Irwin''': Hello, Billy.
:'''Billy''': Hello, Irwin.
:'''Irwin''': I'm having so much fun with my bike!
:''(Irwin's bike crashes into a wall and his bike tire gets a puncture)''
:'''Irwin''': Oh no!
:'''Mindy''': ''(knocks Billy over)'' Sorry! Are you alright, Billy?
:'''Billy''': Yep, I'm fine. What have you got on your feet?
:'''Mindy''': Rollerblades. You put one on each foot and whoosh!
:'''Billy''': You knocked me over.
:'''Mindy''': Yes. Sorry. I'll better see how they work. Look. And back the other way!
:'''Billy''': ''(laughs)'' Very good.
:'''Mindy''': Let's go! ''(Skates off)''
:'''Billy''': Mindy's going fast. I saw an opportunity and I seized it.
:'''Irwin''': It was my bike tire. Look. It a got puncture.
:'''Weird kid''': How do bikes work?
:'''Irwin''': With pedals.
:''(Mr. Kid mends Irwin's bike)''
:'''Irwin''': Mr. Kid has mended my bike.
:'''Billy''': Irwin, Pud'n, Sperg and Mandy have bikes, Mindy has rollerblades and Shelly Marsh and General Skarr has a motorbikes.
:''(Billy has a bloated belly and has to use the portable toilet. After using the portable toilet, he goes to the wheels store.)''
:'''Billy''': Is it a red tricycle?
:'''Weird kid''': You always have to promise to drive it.
:'''Billy''': I promise!
:'''Weird kid''': I just remembered this story about a tortoise and a hare.
:'''Billy''': Can I tell you a story about the tortoise and the hare before I go with the red tricycle?
:'''Weird kid''': Of course you can.
:'''Billy''': Once there was a tortoise and a hare. They decided to have a race. But the tortoise was very slow. The hare knew he could run much faster than the tortoise and overtook him at once.
:'''Weird kid''': Then what happened?
:'''Billy''': Well, the hare stopped for a little rest and fell asleep.
:'''Weird kid''': Never!
:'''Billy''': And the tortoise, who was taking it very steady, overtook him.
:'''Weird kid''': You cannot be serious!
:'''Billy''': And to everyone's surprise, the tortoise won the race.
:'''Weird kid''': The story ended. It's time to go. Don't forget. You must drive it.
:''(Billy drives it out of the wheels store.)''
:'''Billy''': Wow, what a cool tricycle! I'll name you... TRYKIE! Come on Trykie, lets have some FUN!
:'''''(Song: Have Some Fun)'''''
: ♪ I'm going to swing on by, I'll reach for the sky ♪
: ♪ I'm going to aim high, today I'm going to shine ♪
: ♪ I'm going to skip and run, smile at everyone ♪
: ♪ Fill my day with fun and have real good time. ♪
: ♪ Everybody's going to feel good ♪
: ♪ Everybody's going to have a good time, yeah! ♪
: ♪ Are you ready to have some fun? (Come on) ♪
: ♪ Are you ready everyone? (Have some fun) ♪
: ♪ Are you ready to have some fun with me? ♪
: ♪ Come on and set your spirit free. ♪
: ♪ I'm going to sing out loud, going to float on a cloud ♪
: ♪ Be on top of the world, just you wait and see ♪
: ♪ I've just got to say, how great I feel today! ♪
: ♪ I'm going up, up, up, why don't you come with me? ♪
: ♪ Everybody's going to feel good ♪
: ♪ Everybody's going to have a good time, yeah! ♪
: ♪ Are you ready to have some fun? (Come on) ♪
: ♪ Are you ready everyone? (Have some fun) ♪
: ♪ Are you ready to have some fun with me? ♪
: ♪ Come on and set your spirit free. ♪
: ♪ Today the sun is going to shine ♪
: ♪ And everyone is going to have a real good time, yeah! ♪
: ♪ Are you ready? (Come on) ♪
: ♪ Are you ready? (Everyone come on) ♪
: ♪ Are you ready? (Have some fun, whoa) ♪
: ♪ Are you ready? (Come on, come on, come on). ♪
: ♪ Are you ready to have some fun? (Come on) ♪
: ♪ Are you ready everyone? (Have some fun) ♪
: ♪ Are you ready to have some fun with me? ♪
: ♪ Come on and set your spirit free. ♪
: ♪ Are you ready? (To have some fun) ♪
: ♪ Are you ready? (To have some fun) ♪
: ♪ Are you ready? (To have some fun) ♪
: ♪ Come on! ♪
:'''Billy''': Hey, guys! Do you notice anything new?
:'''Irwin''': ''[he and Pud'n burst out laughing]'' What is that, yo? Is that a tricycle?
:'''Billy''': Yes. His name is Trykie.
:'''Irwin''': Incoming data packet for Billy: only babies drive tricycles.
:'''Billy''': I don't know what you're talking about.
:'''Irwin''': Aw, what are you going to do? Cry?
:'''Billy''': I'm not gonna cry, you dumb doo doo brains!
:'''Irwin''': Come on. Let's see the tears coming out of your eyes, Baby Billy.
:'''Billy''': Baby Billy? I'm a 9-year-old boy!
:'''Irwin and Pud'n''': ''[singing]'' Baby Billy, Baby Billy, boo Hoo, it's Baby Billy.
:'''Billy''': That's the dumbest song I've ever heard! Trykie is cool! And I'm not a baby!
:'''Irwin''': Uh-huh?

=== Dumb Luck / No Body Loves Grim [3.02] ===

:'''[[w:Grim (Billy and Mandy)|Grim]]''': No child, that's not bad luck. You're just stupid!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Grim''': ''[scanning Billy]'' Just as I suspected. His brain is caught in a weird juju vortex, and his good luck matrix is in the red. This could only mean one thing: Catastrophe Snail!
:'''Billy''': Catastrophe Snail?!
:'''Grim''': Right in your noodle.
:'''Mandy''': But how did it get there?
:'''Grim''': It must have been in that restaurant when Billy spilled the salt. I told him to throw salt over his shoulder to PREVENT bad luck, but Billy panicked. He reached for the salt, but he grabbed the pepper. That's when the snail must have appeared on Billy's shoulder. Salt would've have fizzled that slimeball, but Billy threw pepper. And at that time, the whole place was sneezing. So, that snail slipped right into Billy's ear with nobody noticing a ting. Once the Catastrophe Snail gets in your head, he plugs his shell right into brain. And once he's plugged in, mon, he'll be reprogramming your mind to have nothing but bad luck only. Dig it?
:'''Catastrophe Snail''': I love my job!
:'''Grim''': Yeah, mon. And if we don't pull him out soon... I guess it's fatal.
:'''Billy''': ''[screaming]'' He's messing with my head!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Catastrophe Snail''': ''[after being evicted from Billy's brain]'' This is definitely NOT my lucky day.
:''[He laughs stupidly]''

=== Li'l Porkchop / Skarred for Life [3.03] ===

:'''Harold''': So son, wanna go fishin'?
:'''Billy''': NO! Turkey
:'''Harold''': ''[happily]'' That's the spirit!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Harold''': No, no, no son... Fish don't have feelings, they're made of foam latex!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:''[Thinking that a pelican is Billy.]''
:'''Harold''': Son, I never said you this before, and I probably won't ever say it again, but... I love you son.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Harold''': It's not the size of the fish that counts. It's how you cook 'em!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Billy''': Thanks, Mr. One Eye.
:'''General Skarr''': My name is Mr. Skarr!
:'''Billy''': How come you got only one eye? Are you sensitive about it? Because if I had only one eye, I would be sensitive about it. You should wear an eye patch like a pirate, then all you need is a puffy shirt. Do you own a puffy shirt? You look like you would.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''General Skarr''': I'll show them what real power is! TAKE MY LOVE, MY PAIN, AND ALL OF MY ANGER!!!

[A reference to ''[[w:Mobile Fighter G Gundam|G Gundam]]''.]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mandy''': So, we were thinking of setting you free.
:'''Grim''': Really?
:'''Billy''': Yeah. All you gotta do is say you're a little girl.
:'''Grim''': I'm... a little girl.
:'''Mandy''': I'm not sure I bought it.
:'''Billy''': Yeah! Are you a PRETTY girl?
:'''Grim''': ''[high-pitched, feminine voice]'' I'm very pretty! Look at me! I'm QUEEN pretty! Aren't boys just so dreamy? I can talk on the phone for hours about nothing!
:'''Mandy''': Grim...?
:'''Grim''': Let's brush my hair! And paint my toes!
:'''Mandy''': ...you can stop. We were only kidding.
:'''Grim''': Oh, it's FUN to accessorize! Let's all ride some magical pink ponies! I'll name mine Sparkles Fantastic!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''General Skarr''': Give me that! ''[General Skarr takes off with Grim's scythe.]''
:'''Grim''': Hey! It's not polite to steal from ''little girls''!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Billy''': ''[wearing Skarr's military uniform]'' Hey, everybody, look! I'm a used car salesman!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Billy''': So, as I was saying, there are lots of words that rhyme with &quot;cheese&quot;!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''General Skarr''': ''[making cornbread]'' Real corn makes it special.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''General Skarr''': What ''ARE'' you?!
:'''Mandy''': I'm just a PRETTY LITTLE GIRL.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ernest''': ''[&quot;welcoming&quot; General Skarr to the neighbourhood, shouting]'' CUUURSED!! CUUURSES!! Woe to all who live in that house, for they shall only know PAIN!! '''PAAAIIIN!!''' ''[calmly]'' Oh, and welcome to the neighbourhood. Here's some nice jellatin the wife made. It's got bits of fruit and stuff. ''[awkward pause]'' OK, well, bye. ''[he leaves, and shouts offscreen]'' CUUURSES!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Billy has just learned of Skarr's past]''
:'''Billy''': That story was so beautiful, it gave me gas. ''[farts]'' But don't you ever miss your old job?
:'''General Skarr''': ''[fondly]'' Miss commanding regimented forces of destructive power? As we encircle the globe with our terrible iron fists of might? [raising his voice and slowly becoming more maniacal] ''Crushing down all the pathetic fools who dared stand before us? Gorging our bellies on their cries for mercy, until at last, &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;I ALONE STAND AS THE GLORIOUS DARK LORD&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;'' '''''&lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;OF ALL THE KNOWN UNIVERSE?!!!!!!!&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;''''' [gasps for breath before suddenly calming down] Not at all. Don't miss it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Billy''': You... DISGUST me! I thought you were baaad. You ain't bad, you ain't nothin'!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''General Skarr''': [On phone] Hello?
: '''Billy''': [Whispering] Ultimate power.

=== House of Pain / A Grim Prophecy / Mandy Bites Dog [3.04] ===

:'''[[w:Grim (Billy and Mandy)|Grim]]''': You don't want to make me mad! I get angry when I'm mad!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''[[w:Mandy (Billy and Mandy)|Mandy]]''': Grim! It's chore day, you slacker. Stop monkeying with that Hill Billy dork and go clean the toilet.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Lord Pain''': THIS IS NOT THE MASTER!
:'''Billy''': You won't make friends with that attitude!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Mandy''': Oh, by the way, I'm borrowing your leg.
:'''Grim''': Hey!
:'''Mandy''': I need it to get the remote from behind the couch.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:''[As a child, Grim is about to become the Grim Reaper, as per his mother's wishes]''
:'''Grim''': I don't want to be the Grim Reaper. I just want to sing and Willy will!
:'''Grim's Dad''': Enough! You'll do what your mother tells you. Singing is for birds and sissies.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Cave Witch''': ''[seeing Grim as a child, on his first day of the Grim Reaper]'' I have been expecting you.
:'''Grim''': M'name is Grimmy and I've come to reap your immortal soul.
:'''Cave Witch''': I know who you are, for I have forseen it IN MY FIRE! I have seen YOURS as well, a terrible future: a future where you are controlled by two mere children for all eternity...

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''[[w:Billy (Billy and Mandy)|Billy]]''': ''[to Lord Pain]'' I like the way you break stuff.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Mandy''': Hey, shut the door! What are ya, raised in a barn?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''[[w:Harold (Billy and Mandy)|Harold]]''': ''[tying things to the roof of his car]'' See, Mandy? Only a MAN can tie a knot like that.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''[[w:Mindy (Billy and Mandy)|Mindy]]''': Wow, Mandy, what a great dog you have. Did you teach him to pee himself and run away?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Grim''': [[w:Cerberus|Cerberus]] Cerberus the headed dogs from Hercules (1997) was a monster! He didn't just eat my homework; he ate me dad!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Mindy''': So Mandy, what's it feel like?
:'''Mandy''': What?
:'''Mindy''': Being a loser all the time. Does it BURN?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

: '''Mandy''': Boy, Saliva, you really are a pathetic dog... but I guess you're MY pathetic dog.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Cave Witch''': ''[to audience]'' I have seen YOUR future as well: you will soon suffer an eternity of COMMERCIALS!
:''[She cackles wickedly]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 

:'''Billy''': ''[after using snapping turtle bikini wax]'' No more unsightly nubs!

=== Nursery Crimes / My Peeps [3.05] ===

:'''[[w:Billy (Billy and Mandy)|Billy]]''': You know what, Pinocchiochiochiochiochiochiochio? You're funny.
:'''Pinocchio''': Funny? Why... there's nothing funny about being made of wood.
:'''Billy''': ...wuzzat you say?
:'''Pinocchio''': I sure wish I was a real boy, like you!
:'''Billy''': Uhh...yeah...well... I gotta go!...
:'''Pinocchio''': Yeah! And the only way for me to to become a real boy, is to devour the flesh of the real boy. Can I please eat your flesh?
:'''Billy''': AAAAH! ''[running in terror]''

&lt;hr width= &quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mandy''': ''[After being trapped in the story-book]'' Someday, you will all '''''PAY.''''' (''her voice echoes throughout the room as the episode ends'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Billy''': ''[thinking a really big kid is Mandy because his eyes are so bad]'' Boy, Mandy, you've been packing on the pounds lately!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Billy is terrified at the thought of visiting the optician]''
:'''Billy''': NOOO!! ''He'll steal my soul!''
:'''Grim''': Well, if he doesn't, I get second dibs.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[From Billy's point of view, Grim and Mandy appear to be drawn in anime style]''
:'''Mandy''': 彼 の 目 は まだ きちがい だ。(His eyes are still wrong.)
:'''Grim''': Hmm.
:'''Billy''': I can't understand a thing you're saying! ''[Grim zaps his eyes again. Billy now sees Grim and mandy in a child's cartoon]'' Mandy? Grim?!
:'''Grim''': ''[happy voice]'' I finally think he's back to normal. ''[Child Mandy giggles. Billy's eyes turn angry and show Grim in each one]''
:'''Billy''': ''[roars]'' Oh, so you're laughing at me?! Gimme that! ''[snatches Grim's scythe]'' You're trying to mess with me, aren't ya, Grim? Well, I'm not gonna letcha! Ya hear?! ''I'm not gonna letcha!''
:'''Grim''': I assure you, your suspicions are completely unfounded. Mandy and I are only here to help you.
:'''Billy''': ''[babbles crazily; his teeth rattle]'' Stay away from my eyes! ''[He swings the scythe at them]''
:'''Grim''': Billy, this is madness! ''[Billy chases them, swinging the scythe at them]''
:'''Billy''': HAAAAAAAAARGH!

=== Nigel Planter And The Chamber Pot of Secrets / Circus of Fear [3.06] ===
:'''Nigel''': 'cause i'm being hunted by the darkest most evil villain to ever walk the face of the Earth!
:''[whispers]'' Lord Mouldybutt. The mere mention of his name causes things to break.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Billy''': I am a golf ball. I am a golf ball. Oh, what a golf ball I am.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Grim''': You DO realise that you're watching static?
:'''Mandy''': Yeah.

=== Bully Boogie / Here Thar Be Dwarves [3.07] ===

:'''[[w:Billy (Billy and Mandy)|Billy]]''': It's our picnic fixings!
:'''[[w:Grim (Billy and Mandy|Grim]]''': Picnic? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. '''''No'''''. You remember what happened last time, don't you?
:''[flashback to Billy, Grim and Mandy at a picnic in the park]''
:'''Billy''': Please pass the egg salad.
:'''Sasquatch''': ''[popping out of the bushes]'' RAGGLE FRAGGLE!
:''[grabs Billy and runs away]''
:'''Billy''': Ahhhh! Somebody help me!
:''[Grim and Mandy go back to eating, flashback ends]''
:'''Billy''': Yeah, that was pretty special. Wanna see my emotional scars?
:'''[[w:Mandy (Billy and Mandy)|Mandy]]''': ''[coming into the room]'' What happened here? Did the refrigerator throw up?
:'''Grim''': Billy want us to go on a picnic.
:'''Mandy''': No way, José. You remember what happened last time?
:''[shows the same flashback of Billy, Grim and Mandy having a picnic]''
:'''[[w:List of characters in The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy#Gladys|Gladys]]''': ''[coming into the room]'' Have you crazy kids been flashing back in here?
:'''Grim''': Yah. We've been trying to talk Billy out of going on a picnic.
:'''Gladys''':: A picnic? Oh, honey! No! No! You remember what happened last time!
:''[shows the same flashback again]''
:'''[[w:Harold (Billy and Mandy)|Harold]]''': ''[coming into the room]'' What is this, a party?
:'''Gladys''': Dad! Talk some sense into your son! He wants to go on a... picnic!
:'''Harold''': After what happened last time? You all remember that, right?
:''[goes to flashback again, only this time, it shows Harold putting on a sasquatch suit behind some bushes]''
:'''Billy''': ''[off screen]'' Please pass the egg salad.
:'''Harold''': ''[leaps out of the bushes]'' RAGGLE FRAGGLE!
:''[is heard running off with Billy]''
:'''Billy''': Ahhhh! Somebody help me!
:''[flashback ends]''
:'''Harold''': (Laughs) I say we let the boy go!.
:'''Billy''': Rock on!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Billy''': ''[Singing]'' Walking in the woods, walking in the woods, just lookin' for a place where to eat all our foods! ''[A scruffy [[w:Yogi Bear|Yogi Bear]] peeks out of the bushes, his eyes bloodshot and clothes torn]''
:'''Yogi''': Psst! Psst! Hey, little girl. Come here for a second. ''[Billy comes over to him]'' That's a nice pic-a-nic basket you got there.
:'''Billy''': Yeah, it's OK. ''[Pause]''
:'''Yogi''': You got some nice sandwiches in there, I bet.
:'''Billy''': Sure, I suppose.
:'''Yogi''': ''[Steps closer]'' I think this is a good place for your pic-a-nic.
:'''Billy''': ''[Uneasily]'' Yeah, I don't know.
:'''Yogi''': ''[Bends down to take the basket]'' Here. Let me set it up for you. ''[Booboo, who is also scruffy and ugly, sticks his head out of the bush]''
:'''Booboo''': You get the food yet, Yogi?
:'''Yogi''': Shhhh!
:'''Billy''': L-look, I think I really gots to get going.
:'''Yogi''': Hey, that's cool, man. Let me just... ''gimme that basket!'' ''[tries to grab the basket, but Billy runs away]''
:'''Booboo''': ''[who is fat with big nipples]'' Don't let him get awaaay! ''[Yogi gives chase, wild-eyed, waving his arms in the air and yelling gibberish. He stops, gets down on all fours and sniffs the ground while Billy hides behind a tree]''
:'''Yogi''': I know you're close, you dirty human!
:'''Billy''': Hey, I'm not dirty, I just had a bath fifteen days ago! Oops! ''[He covers his mouth as Yogi glars at him. He then chases him again]'' Aaaaaaaah! Aaaah! ''[Billy runs into a cave]'' Hey, ya dumb bears! You can't get me now! I'm in a cave!
:'''Yogi''': He's right, Booboo. We bears are terribly afraid of caves.
:'''Booboo''': Why are we so lame, Yogi?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Beardbottom''': We're stuck with mushrooms! Here, try one.
:'''Billy''': It tastes like my cat!
:'''King Beardbottom''': They taste like '''everyone's''' cat! It's been 300 years and I ''still'' hate the taste. I've worked with mushrooms for so long, even my sweat ''smells'' like 'em! Here, take a whiff.
:'''Billy''': ''[Sniffs Beardbottom's armpit]'' Whew, you ain't kiddin'!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[the King Beardbottom is telling the story about the origins of the war]''
:'''Billy''': ''[appearing in the flashback]'' Hey, wait a second! Hold up. How can you be mad at the Elves? You chose to trade cookies for mushrooms!
:'''Druid''': Hey, did that kid just step into the flashback?
:'''Other Druid''': What manner of sorcery be this?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Censoring Trooper''': Alright listen up you little radish munchers, this battle is about to become way too exciting to show our younger viewers. Instead I will show you this soothing image until the fight is over. SWEET MOTHER OF FOG YOU SHOULD SEE THIS! Cookies and mushrooms flying through the air like june bugs in a swamp! Whew it appears to be over, lets go back to the- Whoa ho ho! That was entirely my bad! I misread the signals! I knew a guy named &quot;Joe&quot;. He misread the signals in a combat situation - now he eats everything through a mechanical straw!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Billy''': Stop it! Stop the fighting! Why do you have to hate each other? Can't you see you're just like peas and mashed potatoes? Some people don't like them to touch each other if they're on the same plate. But it's okay... it's okay if they touch! Because they both get chewed up by the mouth!. And sent down the oesophagus and dissolved into the stomach and absorbed into the intestines and, oh ho, I won't go any further than that. But the point is, we're all just nutrients in the great big digestive system called LIFE!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Grim and Mandy are washing a car.]''
:'''Grim''': I wonder how Billy's picnic is going.
:''[Billy flies past them really fast]''
:'''Billy''': HEY GRIM! HEY MANDY!
:'''Grim''': That answers one question, yet raises so many others...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Boogie''': What happened to your face?
:'''Boy''': Dude, I'm like fifteen. We all look like this. What are you, my mom?
:'''Boogie''': No, I'm-''the boogeyman!!''
:'''Boy''':''[unimpressed]'' ...I don't even believe in you. Go talk to my little brother. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Billy and Irwin are watching TV]''
:'''Irwin''': This show is ''awesome!''
:'''Lady on TV''': Hey Doc, what're ya doing with my legs? [buzzing sound] AAAAAAHHH!!!
:'''Doctor on TV''': Oh, ''stop'' it! I'm just shaving you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Billy''': Oh, Grim. The TV wants to talk to you.
:'''Grim''': TV?
:''[Boogie, still disguised as the television, is sitting on the couch holding a glass of wine]''
:'''Boogie''': Hello, grim.
:'''Grim''': ''[perplexed]'' Hello, TV...

=== Which Came First? / Substitute Teacher [3.08] ===

:'''[[w:Billy (Billy and Mandy)|Billy]]''': Look, I'm a billy goat! Baaa! Baaa!

:'''Billy''': And I'm a hungry as a jaybird on a diet on the fourth of July.
:''[Cracks a giant egg.]''
:'''[[w:Billy (Billy and Mandy)|Billy]]''': Oh! Look! I'm Rocky Balboa!
:''[Eats egg, then screams as tongue shrivels and falls out.]''
:''[the scientist crawls out of a cave nearby, pecked and bruised]
:'''Scientist''': I forgot to mention that super-chicken eggs have acid yolks.
:''[a giant chicken foot grabs him and pulls him back]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mandy''': Alright, you dumbclucks! There's a new pecking order! ''[Proceeds to slice at the giant chicks with Grim's scythe]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[w:Pud'n|Pud'n]]''': Giant chickens from the sky! Now we don't ''have'' to eat each other to survive.
:'''[[w:Sperg (Billy and Mandy)|Sperg]]''': Tough luck for you, kid! ''[Goes back to eating Pud'ns limbs]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Sperg throws an eraser at Junior, hitting him in the head]''
:'''[[W:Nergal Jr.|Nergal Jr.]]''': Can he ''[coughs]'' can he do that, Ms. Butterbean?
:''[Sperg tosses and apple at Ms. Butterbean, who puts it in a drawer that is full of them]''
:'''[[W:Ms. Butterbean|Ms. Butterbean]]''': Why... yes, yes he can. He's bigger than you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Nergal Jr.''': I'm not interested in the test. I'm interested in revenge!
:'''[[W:Mandy (Billy and Mandy)|Mandy]]''': ''Now'' you're talking. I can't support cheating ''[glares at Billy who looks sheepish]'' but revenge is something I can really get behind.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Sperg''': ''[about to be wedgie'd]'' But... Ms. Butterbean, you can't do that! You're a teacher!
:'''Nergal Jr.''' ''[as Ms. Butterbean]'': I can do whatever I please! I'm bigger than you!
:''[Scene switches to Billy, Mandy and Grim, who watch fascinated. Unpleasant noises are heard.]
:'''[[w:Billy (Billy and Mandy)|Billy]]''': Oh, look, Sperge's gots the same bunny underwear I do. [Pauses in &quot;thought&quot;.]

== Season 4 ==

=== Super Zero / Sickly Sweet [4.01] ===

:'''[[w:Harold (Billy and Mandy)|Harold]]''': You're gonna love shed building, son. Even a complete and total nincompoop can do it.
:'''[[w:Grim (Billy and Mandy)|Grim]]''': Like you?
:'''Harold''': Yeah, like you. Now where was I gonna build that shed? It's all about location. ''[starts yodeling loudly]''!
:'''Grim''': What the heck are you doing?!
:'''Harold''': Checking the acoustics! ''[continues]''!
:'''Grim''': I'm going home.
:'''Harold''': That's it! ''[drops material at Grim]'' The best location is always closest to the house.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Announcer''': And now we return to Captain Space Heifer.
:'''Ninjas''': You win this round, Heifer!
:'''Captain Space Heifer''': Yes... I do... But I couldn't have done it without my... Heifer farm's brand fruit-at-the-bottom all natural-styled yogurt!
:'''Ninjas''': It's partially hydrogenated!
:'''Captain Space Heifer''': QUIET, YOU!!! ''[Captain melts Ninjas with his laser eyes.]'' It's partially hydrogenated! Buy some today. If you don't, I'll melt you, too! ''[starts laughing, with Billy laughing back. He then stops, serious.]'' ... I will.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Harold''': While you kids are talking, I'm gonna pick my nose!  Just wanted to give you the heads up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[w:Mandy (Billy and Mandy)|Mandy]]''': Do you know what is this?
:'''Grim''': Uhh... orange juice?
:'''Mandy''': Wrong! This is an empty Orange Juice container. Somebody drank it. They probably wanted me to get scurvy from lack of Vitamin C!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Billy''': ''[trying to find an evil empire to destroy with his superpowers]'' Hello? [[W:Evil empire|Evil empire]]? [[W:Legion of Doom|Legion of doom]]? Plague of society? Threat to mankind, where are you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Billy''': ''[still trying to find an evil empire, he looks down and sees a bunch of bacteria]'' Infinitesimal evil! In the name of the Earth, and all that is clean and fresh! Environmentally safe, and partially hydrogenated! I... uh... I! Uh, I... uh... ...''AH SHOOT MAH YOGHURT!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mandy''': I'm gonna open up my own personal can of Powerpuff on you two.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Grim''': The only thing I keep in me' robe are terrible cursed objects! ''[makes scary noises]''
:'''Billy''': ''[pulls out the Mask of the Beast]'' You mean like this one?
:'''Grim''': Yes, exactly like that.
:'''Billy''': Oooooh... it's a pair of butt wings!
:'''Grim''': No, you simpleton! It is the Mask of the Beast! Whoever puts it on must be nice, polite, friendly, and happy, or they'll turn into a terrible hideous beast!
:'''Billy''': OH! I WANNA BE A TERRIBLE HIDEOUS BEAST! ''[puts the Mask on his nose]'' Is it working? Is it working? Is it working?
:'''Grim''': [''snatches the mask''] You dope. It won't work on you. You've already been a hopelessly happy goon all day long.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Grim''': Isn't about time for you to go?
:'''Mandy''': Yeah, the evil empire remember?
:'''Billy''': Captain Spring Green Squeaker reporting for intergalactical duty! In the name of truth, justice, and YOGURT!''[armpit squirts yogurt on Mandy and Grim.]''[Laughs]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Grim''': ''[takes out notepad and pencil]'' What can I get for Billy?
:'''Billy''': Ooh! I wanna be green!
:'''Grim''': Okay, green!
:'''Billy''': Spring Green.
:'''Grim''': Spring Green.
:'''Billy''': [squeals] Ooh! And I want to squeak!
:'''Grim''': [confused] Squeak?
:'''Billy''': Yeah, every time I move. Squeak. And uh....
:'''Mandy''': Billy, pick a real superpower. [Milkshakes walks by covered in yogurt. He shakes the yogurt off his feet and paws.] So, what'll be?
:'''Captain Space Heifer''': [echoing] It's partially hydrogenated!
:'''Billy''': And to shoot Heifer Farms Brand fruit-at-the-bottom all-natural styled yogurt FROM MY ARMPITS!!

=== Bearded Billy / The Nerve [4.02] ===

:''[Billy asks his dad why he shaves his beard.]''
:'''[[w:Harold (Billy and Mandy)|Harold]]''': Well, you see son, if Daddy shaves his face, mommy shaves her legs!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[w:Hoss Delgado|Hoss Delgado]]''': Stupid... but clever.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[w:Billy (Billy and Mandy)|Billy]]''': Uh, mom? The bathroom is talking to me again. Should I get my vitamins?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Billy''': All the ladies love me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Harold''': Hey, boy. Trying to think, huh?
:'''Billy''': Uh, no. I don't do that anymore.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[After drinking the hair tonic Grim souped up, Billy watches the hair grow on his face]
:'''Billy''': Oh, I like that! Rugged Billy! ''[Hair grows more]'' Mountain Billy! ''[Hair throws into a thick beard, and Billy laughs]'' Hillbilly!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mandy''': ''(about Billy)'' Listen, Hoss, what you have there isn't a sasquatch. What you have there isn't far enough up the evolutionary scale.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Billy''': You spent the reward money on a new TV?! Awww!! I wanted a baby iguana!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''TV commercial''': Bacon-flavored toothpaste? Why didn't anybody think of it before??

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''TV commercial''': Get a jump on puberty or just look cooler than ever before!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Hoss''': AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!! HELP ME!
:'''Animal Control:''' He's gone wild! Take him down!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Grim''': ''[after Billy takes him by surprise]'' Billy, what are you trying to do?! Scare me to me?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[After Billy steals and eats Mandy's nerve]''
:'''Grim''': Billy, it worked! It worked! Now, what do you say we take Mandy and--
:'''Billy''': PIPE DOWN, YOU TALKIN' WIND-CHIME!! YOU TALK WHEN I TELLS YOU TO TALK, YOU FOLLOW?!
:'''Grim''': ''[nervous]'' I follow.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mandy''': ''(to her nerve)'' Now you listen up, pal. You are NOT what makes me Mandy. I don't need some pompous polyp to be dark, foreboding and charmingly cynical! ''I'' am what makes me Mandy! You got that?!

=== Test of Time / A Kick in the Asgard [4.03] ===

:'''[[W:Mandy (Billy and Mandy)|Mandy]]''': OK, Grim, when the rainbow appears, you take me to the end of it, and I'll shake down the [[W:Leprechaun|leprechaun]] for its gold.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[an army of Norsemen are fighting each other. Billy walks up to [[W:Thor|Thor]]]''
:'''[[W:Billy (Billy and Mandy)|Billy]]''': You don't always have to solve your problems by fighting, you can work through them by talking things out. Or, by buying expensive gifts.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[w:Harold (Billy and Mandy)|Harold]]''': ''[Viking cuts Harold's pompadour off]'' Hey! My brain was in there! 
:'''Brain''': Put me in the freezer!
:'''Harold''': Young man, you can be rude, break furniture, run up phone bills, shave the cat, and even harrass your mother! But when you touch the pomp, it's GO TIME!
:'''Gladys''': ''[as the Viking tries to attack her while she defends herself with a chair]'' See, Harold? I told you it was not a good idea for Billy to have doughnuts three times a day!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Billy''': ''[referring to the root beer fountain]'' Didn't you say that I had ''unlimted'' access to the fountain?
:'''[[W:Heimdall|Heimdall]]''': Well, yes, but-
:'''Billy''': But nothing! I am still accessing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Billy''': T by x over y plus M divided by 365 divided by E squared by Pi OF COURSE! [gets pie from fridge] PIE!

=== Five O'Clock Shadows [4.04] ===
:''[Grim is aghast to see Mandy and her shadow as the same and Billy and his many, ''many'' shadows at once]''
:'''[[W:Mandy (Billy and Mandy)|Mandy]]''': Well, Grim, it looks like you'll have to take us ''all'' home…
:'''Shadow Mandy''': ...And we'll play together...
:'''Mandy''': ...Forever…
:'''Shadow Mandy''': ...And ever…
:'''Mandy''': ...And ever…
:'''Shadow Mandy''': ...And ever.
:'''Shadow Billies''': ...And ever, and ever, and ever, and ever, and ever, and ever…
:'''[[W:Billy (Billy and Mandy)|Billy]]''': ...'''''AND EVER!!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mandy''': Grim, destroy her!

=== Attack of the Clowns / Complete and Utter Chaos [4.05] ===
:'''Mandy''': Now matter how bad it seems, it could get worse. ''[screen flashes revealing herself as an ugly, green monster as she disappears in a flash]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mandy''': I'm gonna guess this has something to do with Billy. 
:'''Billy''': Hey, Mandy.
:'''Mandy''': 5 points for me. What are you doing?
:'''Billy''': Hiding from the clowns.
:'''Mandy''': The clown thing, I should have known. Get out here. ''[Billy comes out]'' You're gonna make me ask, aren't you?
:'''Billy''': Ask what?
:'''Mandy''': What's with all the oranges?
:'''Billy''': They're not oranges, they're tangelos!
:''[pause]''
:'''Mandy''': OK. What's with all the tangelos?
:'''Billy''': Clowns hate tangelos. Messes with their equilibrium.
:'''Mandy:''' Who told you that fungus? ''[Oranges man walks away, whistling nervously]'' Billy, you've got to get over this ridiculous fear of clowns.
:'''Billy''': Hey! Who you calling ridi-culous? Well, what about your fear of professional figure skaters?
:'''Mandy''': That's not a fear. I just don't trust the way they spin is all.
:'''Billy''': You gotta believe me, Mandy! The clowns are nothing but ULTIMATE EVIL! They wanna become the dominant species on the planet, and they'll DESTROY US ALL to make it happen! ''[shouts at the top of his lungs]'' DESTROY US ALL, DESTROY US ALL, DESTROY US ALL, DESTROY US ALL, DESTROY US ALL, DESTROY US ALL! ''[sitting at his desk in class with his fellow students; shouting]'' DESTROY US ALL! ''[at the chalkboard, attempting to solve a math problem; shouting]'' DESTROY US ALL! ''[at his locker in the hallway; shouting]'' DESTROY US ALL! ''[in Biology class, dissecting a frog; shouting]'' DESTROY US ALL! ''[on the swingset at recess; shouting]'' DESTROY US ALL! ''[in the lunch line; calmly to the lunch lady]'' I'll take the chicken. ''[sitting at the lunch table with Mandy and Irwin; shouting]'' DESTROY US ALL! ''[doing sit-ups with the other kids in gym class; shouting]'' DESTROY US ALL! ''[in the Boy's bathroom, we see Billy's feet underneath a closed stall; shouting]'' DESTROY US ALL! ''[feeding the school pet; shouting]'' DESTROY US ALL! ''[getting off the bus with Mandy; shouting]'' DESTROY US ALL...! ''[walks home off-screen, still shouting]''
:'''Mandy''': ''[annoyed]'' All right, that's it! ''[Mandy has been carrying Grim (in several pieces) around in her backpack]''
:'''[[w:Grim (Billy and Mandy)|Grim]]''': Okay, we need to talk about this backpack thing. It's very demeaning. I'm the Grim Reaper, for God's sake. I used to have a chariot of four-hundred burning horses. My arrival on the scene would be a raging thunderclap of fear! Now it's &quot;Hey, have you seen Grim? Yeah! I think he's wedged between a history textbook and a tuna-fish sandwich!&quot;
:'''Billy''': ''[shouting]'' DESTROY US ALL! DESTROY US ALL! DESTROY US ALL! DESTROY US ALL! DESTROY US ALL! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Grim''': See, Mandy? All we had to do was shake him and yell. It's the answer to everything! ''[Billy punches him in the face]'' Me face!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Inner Frat Boy''': What's up, Billy? You look a little down.
:'''Billy''': Who're you?
:'''Inner Frat Boy''': I'm your Inner Frat Boy, dude.
:'''Billy''': Wow! I didn't even know I had an Inner Frat Boy!
:'''Inner Frat Boy''': Well, Sure. Everybody has an Inner Frat Boy. Since your here, it must mean you need my help. ''[belches]''
:'''Billy''': Well, as a matter of fact I do have a problem. These really scary clowns keep on scaring me!
:'''Inner Frat Boy''': Aw, clowns aren't scary, Billy.
:'''Billy''': They're not?
:'''Inner Frat Boy''': No, they're just different, and just because someone's different doesn't mean you should be afraid of them. It means you should be ANGRY at them! How dare they be different?! What, my way of life ain't good enough for ya?!
:'''Billy''': So you're saying I should beat them up?
:'''Inner Frat Boy''': Billy, fighting outside of a hockey rink is WRONG. But I'm imaginary, so do what you gotta do.
:'''Billy''': Thanks for all your help, Inner Frat Boy. 
: '''Inner Frat Boy''': No problem, Billy! ''[Pulls out a paddle]'' Now, ya ready for your paddlin'? 
: '''Billy''': Uh, no. 
: '''Inner Frat Boy''': (Sounding disappointed) Oh... OK... another time, then...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Grim and Mandy, dressed as clowns, pursue Billy into a beauty parlor with 1980s music playing in the background]''
:'''Grim''': And people think I'm scary. ''[calls out to the women in the parlor]'' 1983 ended a REALLY long time ago, ladies!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mandy''': ''[dressed as a clown]'' Billy! Don't fear us! We're here to make you smile!
:'''Grim''': ''[also dressed as a clown]'' And for Pete's sake, stop wettin' yourself!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Grim tries to juggle but the balls hit Billy in the face]''
:'''Mandy''': What was THAT?!
:'''Grim''': I TOLD you I can't juggle! I wanted to do the routine with the umbrellas, but you said &quot;No&quot;! ''[Billy tries to crawl away]'' And WHERE do you think YOU'RE going?! ''[picks Billy up by the collar of his shirt and shakes him]'' Listen! '''STOP BEING AFRAID OF CLOWNS! STOP IT, YOU NINNY! STOP IT, OKAY?! ''STOP BEING AFRAID OF CLOWNS!!!'''''
:'''Billy''': Gotta go to my happy place, gotta go to my happy place, happy place, HAPPY PLACE...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Billy''': ''[singing while playing with a toy truck] Keep on truckin', truck-truck-truck-truckin'!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[W:Eris (Billy and Mandy)|Eris]]''': Hey, guess what - chicken butt, but seriously, did you know at Flabburger they actually THROW AWAY food that's been under a heat lamp for more than 36 hours? So, I brought you dorks lunch.
:'''Grim''': ''[transformed into a hideous monster; sarcastically]'' Here, Eris. Put it on my slimy flippers.
:'''Mandy''': ''[also a hideous monster; sarcastically]'' No, Eris, put it in my claw of a head, or rest it on Billy's udders.
:'''Billy''': ''[shoots milk out of his nose]'' Heh heh, I gots an udder.

=== Whatever Happened to Billy Whatsisname? / Just the Two of Pus [4.06] ===

:'''Billy''': I'll win Mandy back, or die trying!
:'''Grim''': Let me know if you need help with the last part!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mandy''': What's going on here?
:'''Billy''': Did I just...
:'''Mandy''': Stalking us?
:'''Billy''': No, I was just following you wherever you went.
:'''Mandy''': So, you were spying..
:'''Billy''': I wasn't spying, I swear! I was just lurking in the bushes watching you every move!
:'''Mandy''': Listen, Billy. Bobby's the new Billy around here. Get the message, you are nothing. ''[she pushes Billy into a mailbox]'' Come on, Bobby, let's go.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mandy''': Better be good, Bobby.
:'''Grim''': Where's he taking us, Mandy?
:'''Mandy''': I don't know? Bobby said: &quot;It was a surprise&quot;.
:''[Bobby takes a carpet off to shown of their new cars]''
:'''Mandy''': What the..
:'''Bobby''': Their gifts for the both of you my two bestest friends!
:'''Mandy''': Uh, you're giving me a car? But I can't drive yet.
:'''Bobby''': It's just something nice for being such good friends!
:'''Mandy''': I...I don't know what to say? But you're much better friend than Billy ever was.
:'''Grim''': I'll see. ''[he honks a car horn for twice]''
:'''Bobby''': Yeah, I'm not just some Billy clone, guys. I'm by own person, I am your friend! ''(laughing)'' Who even remembers old Billy what's his name, anyway?
:''[Billy screaming]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Bobby''': Listen Billy and listen good! I want you gone!
:'''Billy''': Can I go to the arcade, then?
:'''Bobby''': What? No, NO! I mean I want you to disappear, permanently! Your friends don't like you, you're nothing but a burden to your poor Mother and Father! They all choose me over you, so there's no reason for you to even be here! I'm giving you 24 hours to get out of here! Or I'll get rid of you myself!
:'''Billy''': Who are you? Why are you doing this?
:'''Bobby''': If I told you, I would have to destroy you!
:'''Billy''': But, weren't you going to destroy me, anyway?
:'''Bobby''': Well, yeah, but... NOW YOU'VE ONLY GOT UNTIL MORNING!!!
:'''Billy''': Alright, Bobby, it's on at dawn!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Grim''': Billy, what are you doing with my scythe?
:'''Billy''': Nothing?
:'''Mandy''': Where's Bobby at?
:'''Billy''': Oh, I sent him to another dimension.
:'''Grim''': Yeah, I never really like him too much anyway.
:'''Mandy''': Me neither, I only hung out with them because I had nothing better to do. Hey, Billy! fetch me some water, you doug. 
:'''Billy''': I'm bet in a settle!

=== Chocolate Sailor / The Good, The Bad and The Toothless [4.07] ===

:'''Billy''': ''[to the box of Chocolate Sailors]'' You won't be disappointed this time, Chocolate Sailor. You'll see. I'm gonna be the best dang sailor in the whole dang army! I'll sell gazillions. Together, we'll make major booty, 'cause you're so BOOTYLICIOUS!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tooth Fairy Cowboy''': ''[to Billy]'' What's so funny?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Billy''': Do you have a shrunken head?
:''[A man with a very large body but a very small head appears in front of him]''
:'''Man''': What do you mean by that?
:'''Billy''': Holy freak show! I mean, nothing.
:'''Man''': So are you going to buy something, smart guy?
:'''Billy''': Nope, I'm broke. Penniless. A Pauper. Too poor to pay attention. Too cheap to buy this cheesy crud!
:''[Man picks Billy up and kicks him into space]''
:'''Billy''': Nice kick!

=== That's My Mummy / Toys Will Be Toys [4.08] ===

:'''[[w:Billy (Billy and Mandy)|Billy]]''': Washing my hair, washing my hair... wait a minute, this isn't shampoo, it's '''DOG-!''' (The screen fades to black just when Billy is about to say &quot;poo&quot;)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Gladys''': Oh sorry, Billy. We weren't laughing AT you, we were laughing WITH you!
:'''[[w:Harold (Billy and Mandy)|Harold]]''': I was laughing at him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Irwin's Dad''': Yes, Irwin's mom is actually a mummy. Nobody can tell you who to fall in love with, but we've managed to make it work all these years. Leaving a whole lot of questions that don't need to be answered.
:'''[[W:Mandy (Billy and Mandy)|Mandy]]''': Eh, works for me.
:'''[[W:Grim (Billy and Mandy)|Grim]]''': Me too.
:'''Billy''': ...But how did you and Irwin's mom...
:'''Irwin's Dad''': Leaving a whole lot of questions that don't need to be answered. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Billy''': Grim, why do the good die young?
:'''Grim''': Well, it's mostly because I get confused.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Pud'n is holding Professor Gaylord]''
:'''[[w:List of characters in The Grim Adventures of Billy &amp; Mandy#Pud'n|Pud'n]]:'''  You're a pretty girl!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Grim''': Milkshakes, where are you going?
:'''Triceratron''': ''[hiding behind the unconscious Milkshakes]'' To destroy all that is good. ...I mean, meow.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Pud'n''': ''[roars like a T-Rex from Jurassic Park]''

=== The Secret Snake Club [4.09] ===

:'''Wiggly''': Once you join the &quot;Secret Snake Club&quot; ''[Secret Snake Club wiggle their arms and hiss]'' they can never unjoin!
:'''Viper''': Is unjoin even a real word?
:'''Wiggly''': Who cares? She understand what she meant!
:'''Viper''': DON'T YELL AT ME!
:'''Wiggly''': Well then shut up!
:'''Viper''': NO, YOU SHUT UP!
:'''Wiggly''': No, you shut up!
:'''Viper''': YOU SHUT UP!
:'''Wiggly''': No, you shut up!
:'''Viper''': SHUT UP!
:'''Mandy''': HOW ABOUT YOU ''BOTH'' SHUT UP?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[w:Mandy (Billy and Mandy)|Mandy]]''': So you're telling me the whole point of this stupid club...
:'''Wiggly''': ...is to resurrect an ancient snake creature and make him eat the cool kids, leaving nerds to rule the world! Yes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[w:Grim (Billy and Mandy)|Grim]]''': ''[to the Snake Nerds]'' You disgust me, too! You're all old enough, so wear some deodorant! I've been trying not to vomit in my own mouth all day!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[CIA Agent is in another room, speaking via intercom]''
:'''Agent''': (''To Billy'') So, you wanna join the organization.
:'''[[w:Billy (Billy and Mandy)|Billy]]''': What organization?
:'''Agent''': The CIA.
:'''Billy''': J-J-J!
:'''Agent''': What?
:'''Billy''': ...Q-R-S-P-U-Z! Now I know the ABC's, next time won't you sing with ME?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[CIA Agent is in another room, speaking via intercom]''
:'''Agent''': Do you think you have what it takes to join us?
:'''Billy''': I have a rash on my butt!
:'''Agent''': Okay... 
:'''Billy''': My mom tells me not to touch it, but I touch it anyway! ''[pauses]'' Please don't tell my mom!
:'''Agent''': Uuhh, sure.
:'''Billy''': Are you invi-siable?
:'''Agent''': No Billy, I'm in a different room.
:'''Billy''': The bathroom?
:'''Agent''': Billy, how would you like it if we wiped your mind and turned you into a covert warrior?
:'''Billy''': I LIKE FRENCH FRIES!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Wiggly''': Yes!  Come, Lord Shnissugah!  Come and make us kings!
:''[the basement door opens, but the scene abruptly changes back to Irwin's club]''
:'''Billy''': You sickos are in big big trouble!
:'''Irwin''': The CIA is on to us!  Run, girls! ''[he runs to an open window]'' You ain't gettin' jack on me, yo! ''[he jumps out, and a CIA agent moves to follow him]''
:'''Billy''': No.  Let him go.  He seems to have forgotten this classroom is on the third floor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Irwin is arrested by the CIA.]''
:'''[[w:Irwin (Billy and Mandy)|Irwin]]''': This isn't right!  This episode was supposed to be about snake nerds! '''SNAAAAKE NEEEERDS!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Shnissugah''': What are you, crazy in the head?! Cool kids are full of transfatty acids! Do you have any idea what that would do to my indigestion?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Wiggly''': Our world has crumbled!
:'''Viper''': Completely-y-y!
:'''Grim''': Hey, have fun guys! Hahahahaha!
:'''Wiggly''': Have fun? With what?... Oh, no!
:'''Mandy''': Cover your eyes Wiggly Jr., cause this is about to get ugly.
''[Wiggly Jr. closes his eyes and covers his tail, while Mandy starts to beat up the Secret Snake Club]''

=== Wild Parts / The Problem With Billy [4.10] ===

:'''Grim''': You mortals are always picking your noses: ''[flashbacks]'' in your car, at the mall, in your car, at work, in your car, at school, in your car...
:'''Billy''': Hey, that's me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[The Nasalmancer is digging through Billy's nose]''
:'''Billy''': Hey, now! Get yo fo' shizzle out of my nizzle, Dawg!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Billy's and the Nasalmancer's noses collide and blow up]
:'''Nasalmancer''': ''(to Billy)'' You blew my nose... up!
:'''Billy''': ''(to the Nasalmancer)'' You blew MY nose... up!

=== He's Not Dead, He's My Mascot / Hog Wild [4.11] ===

:'''[[w:Billy (Billy and Mandy)|Billy]]''': Hey! It's the Fluffy Cat... Fluffy... Cat.
:'''[[w:Mindy (Billy and Mandy)|Mindy]]''': You've already said that!
:'''Billy''': (stupidly) Oh, yeah...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[w:Grim (Billy and Mandy)|Grim]]''': Why does the fate of humanity always end up in the hands of an idiot?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Harold is telling Gladys how much his new bike costs]''
:'''Harold''': ... and it only cost us Billy's entire college fund!
:'''Gladys''': (Grabs Harold by the collar) WHAT did you say?!
:'''Harold''': I said &quot;It's only cost us Billy's entire college fund!&quot;
:'''Gladys''': Oh... well, it must be nice.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Billy complains after Mandy tells him to tell Harold he destroyed the bike and &quot;face the music&quot;]''
:'''Billy''': But I hate music! All kinds! Especially soft rock!

=== The Bad News Ghouls / The House of No Tomorrow [4.12] ===
:'''[[w:Grim (Billy and Mandy)|Grim]]''': Just who is that Sassy Cat character anyway?
:'''[[w:Mandy (Billy and Mandy)|Mandy]]''': It's some stupid cartoon character based on some stupid cartoon media icon used to build this whole stupid amusement park.
:'''Grim''': Cartoons are stupid.
:'''Mandy''': I agree.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Master Control''': ''[monitor activates]'' I am Master Control, computer of the future.
:'''[[w:Billy (Billy and Mandy)|Billy]]''': ''[screams and jumps on Grim's arms]''
:'''Grim''': That'd better be sweat dripping down your leg, boy.
:'''Master Control''': I am programmed to run all of the machines at this attraction. My intelligence is beyond measure; I know everything there is to know, and I'm not too shabby at checkers.
:'''Grim''': Wait, how do you know EVERYTHING?
:'''Master Control''': I just do, so there.
:'''Grim''': If you know everything, then what's the [[meaning of life]]?
:'''Master Control''': Life has no meaning; only machine intelligence is truly significant on a cosmic scale.
:'''Grim''': Hmm, I didn't think he'd get that one right.
:'''Billy''': Oh, yeah? Then what's my favorite color?
:'''Master Control''': Blue.
:'''Billy''': What's the best kind of bean?
:'''Master Control''': Pinto.
:'''Billy''': Why is the sky blue?
:'''Master Control''': Because of the refraction of sunlight through the water droplets in the sky.
:'''Billy''': Why do I ask so many questions?
:'''Master Control''': Because you're a nuisance!
:'''Billy''': What's the color of my underwear?
:'''Master Control''': White...
:''[Master Control raises an eyebrow]''
:''[Master Control puts on an annoyed face]''
:'''Master Control''': ... with pink frilly lace.
:'''Billy''': ''[checks in his pants]'' WOW! It really DOES know everything. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Billy''': ''[singing]'' Sassy cat, sassy cat, full of sass, full of sass, if you dont like her you can kiss... her... BUTT!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

''[Mandy decides to leave the funhouse despite the robot threat]''
:'''Funhouse worker''': Oh, man! She really IS a goner!
:'''Grim''': I'd like to say it was nice knowing her...
:''[Mandy walks to the door, completely indifferent to the chaos and destruction around her. When she makes to the door, the robots swarm her]''
:'''Mandy''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, no, whatever shall I do? ''[pulls out a nearby plug, which turns off the robots]'' You idiots coming or not?
:'''Worker''': Wow, she's BAD!
:'''Grim''': You have no idea.

=== Happy Huggy Stuffy Bears / Secret Decoder Ring [4.13] ===
:'''[[w:Grim (Billy and Mandy)|Grim]]''': I'm so BORED!
:'''[[w:Mandy (Billy and Mandy)|Mandy]]''': I know what you mean. I've been watching Billy pick stuff out of his ear for the last two hours. And the worst part is... I can't stop watching.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mandy''': Money is the root of all evil. I think I NEED more money.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''TV Commercial''': ...and, if you get to the Endsville mall in the next four minutes, you'll get a free Happy Huggy Stuffy Bear!
:'''[[W:Billy (Billy and Mandy)|Billy]]''': ''[thinking]'' Wait! Something was said... something good! Was it peanuts? No, something with free... was it FREE peanuts! No, peanuts are never free. What was free!
:'''TV''': Free toys!!!
:'''Billy''': ''[grunts as he attempts to remember]''
:'''TV''': free BOYS!!!
:'''Billy''': ''[long pause]'' ... FREE BOYS!!!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mandy''': What's wrong with the TV?
:'''Grim''': Nothing, I'm just waiting for Billy to realize it isn't on.
:'''Billy''': ''[staring at a blank screen]'' ... Ooh, I LOVE this show!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Irwin gets a Happy Huggy Stuffy Bear from Mandy]''
:'''Irwin''': A gift from Mandy! I will call you... Mandy Two! And I will teach you the meaning of LOVE...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Happy Huggy Stuffy Bear''': I love you!
:'''Billy''': I love YOU.
:'''Happy Huggy Stuffy Bear''': I'll be your friend!
:'''Billy''': I'll be YOUR friend.
:'''Happy Huggy Stuffy Bear''': I'll do your bidding!
:'''Billy''': ''[in a trance]'' I'll do your bidding. Pardon me I have bidding to do. ''[leaves]''
:'''Mandy''': Is Billy drooling more than usual.
:'''Grim''': Just be happy it's drool this time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[w:Eris (Billy and Mandy)|Eris]]''': Mind control doesn't work on people who think.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Grim''': One little, two little, three headless huggy bears, four little, five little, six headless huggy bears, seven little, eight little, nine headless huggy bears, and I still have a million to go!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mailman''': Delivery for Mandy.
:'''Billy''': Oh, big money! No whammies!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Billy''': Hey, Grim! Why'd you cut off the head of my Huggy Stuffy Pony Bear?
:'''Grim''': Because it made you into a zombie.
:'''Billy''': Oh, You bears are all alike. You love us, you turn us into zombies, your heads get cut off and leave us brokenhearted.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Eris''': Just think, Mandy. You, me, all the control, all the power, ALL THE FREE CHICKEN! Legions of zombie children to assist us in our quest for chaos! IT CAN ALL BE OURS!! ''[laughs]''

=== Wishbones [4.14] ===

:''[Billy and Irwin are in Billy's wish world, dressed as Jonny Quest and Hadji respectively]''
:'''Billy''': Why you talkin' funny?
:'''Irwin''': ''[with an Indian accent]'' Because I am from Calcutta, in the mystical east.
:'''Billy''': No you're not, you live down the block and what's with that weird thingy on your head?
:'''Irwin''': ''[normal voice; angrily screaming]'' IT'S A TURBAN!!! IT'S WHAT I WEAR!!! I'M FROM THE MYSTICAL EAST!!! I'm in character, yo, so WHY DON'T YOU JUST GET OFF ME?!!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Pud'n has found a wishing skull and wished for a bunny, a pet bunny that will love him.]''
:'''Evil Bunny''': I love you Pud'n. Do you love me?
:'''[[w:Pud'n|Pud'n]]''': I love everyone, especially you.
:'''Evil Bunny''': Do you regret wishing for me, Pud'n?
:'''Pud'n''': How could I ever regret wishing for you?
:'''Evil Bunny''': Pud'n, have you ever heard of, ''Tough Love''?
:'''Pud'n''': What's that?
:''[the bunny roars and hits Pud'n]''
:'''Pud'n''': What was that for?
:'''Evil Bunny''': Sometimes, love hurts, Pud'n... AND I LOVE YOU A LOT.
:''[proceeds to a beat-down]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Evil Bunny''': Cake won't save you from my love, Pud'n.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pud'n''': (crying) Poor, poor bunny. Why did you have to explode? Why?
:'''Evil Bunny''': (after being blown up, amerges from wreckage with skin and flesh falling off of him. His skull and bones are visible) It's okay, Pud'n. I forgive you. I forgive you because I love you, and I love you...to ''death.'' ''(Pud'n'lets out a wailing scream as the scene zooms into his mouth.)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Thromnambular''': My name is Thronambular, granter of wishes. If you wish for a cake, it will be ''delicious''.
:'''Nergal Jr.''': ''[to Thromnambular]'' Cake, eh...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Sperg''': ''[angrily]'' What are you looking at?
:'''Thromnambular''': Contradiction young man, from what I can see, for you are the one who is looking at me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mindy''': I guess not everyone can be as beautiful as I am or as popular as I am. But as beautiful and popular as I am, I bet there are some people who've never even heard of me: people in countries like Paris or Toronto, or in cities like Africa. I wish I was a big star!
:'''Thromnambular''': I can make you the biggest star of all. But the bigger they get, ''the harder they fall!''
:''[wish number 8 is granted]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Thromnambular''': ''[to Mandy]''  So it's down to you; and it's down to me. One more wish left, and I'll be set free!
:'''[[w:Mandy (Billy and Mandy)|Mandy]]''': Don't sell yourself short. You're worth more than free.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Grim''': Okay, Thromnambular. I guess we're both trapped in situations we don't like. So let's help each other out. I wish I was free from Billy and Mandy forever, and that you were free from your prison of wishes so that you'll never make another wish again!
:'''Thronambular''': I heard your proposal, let's broker a deal. I'll grant you your wish and we'll see how you feel!
:'''Grim''': ''[as the wishing skull]'' NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
:'''Thromnambular''': ''[as the Grim Reaper]'' Muhahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaahh!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[At Mandy's auction of Thromnambular]''
:'''[[w:Harold (Billy and Mandy)|Harold]]''': I gotta have it! I didn't learn my lesson the first time!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mandy''': Billy, do you want to be a TV star?
:'''Billy''': I wish!
:''[Mandy tosses Billy in the washing machine]''
:'''Mandy''': Wish granted.

== Season 5 ==

=== Dream Mutt / Scythe for Sale===
:'''Grim:''' Hey, Billy, have you seen my scythe?
:'''Billy:''' I just sold it to Irwin for a smashed amusement park penny.
:'''Grim:''' YOU WHAT!!?
:'''Billy:''' I just...sold it to...Irwin.
:'''Grim''': Do you realize what could happen if my scythe gets into the wrong hands?!
:'''Billy''': I sure do! I mean, no.
:'''Grim''': It could cause mass destruction and chaos, creating an imbalance in the universe, and bringing about the end of time as we know it!
:'''Billy''': You make funny faces when you're angry.

&lt;hr width80%&gt;

:'''Dumpster Grouch''': You see, kids. Playing with scythes isn’t cool, or fun!
:'''Guy in a Broken Car''': It's dangerous!
:'''Dumpster Grouch''': So, if you ever see a scythe, don’t pick it up!
:'''Guy in a Broken Car''': Tell an adult immediately!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Irwin''': Oh, Mandy. Our time together has meant, so much to me. I picked this flower for you as a..
:'''Billy''': Excuse me, sir. Wouldn't you have a great time?
:'''Irwin''': Look, I've kind of getting a groove on. If you know what I'm saying?
:'''Billy''': My. What a nice-looking scythe you have today! Where did you get it?
:'''Irwin''': I stole it from the Grim Reaper, alright? Now if you don't mind...Wait a second, you look familiar. Do I know you somewhere?
:'''Billy''': You sure don't, Irwin.
:'''Irwin''': Oh, okay. Billy!
:'''Grim''': Mandy! Snap out of it! Irwin's using my scythe to control you. You gotta fight it!
:'''Mandy''': Ugh.... Grim, Is that you?
:'''Grim''': Yes, Mandy! It's me!
:'''Irwin''': Oh no, you don't! ''[he's using a scythe to zap to Mandy]''
:'''Mandy''': What the heck is going on? ''[she got zapped from the scythe by Irwin]'' Irwin is my boyfriend.
:'''Grim''': No!
:'''Irwin''': You're gonna pay for that, Grim!
:'''Billy''': Hey, barf-face! Bet you can zap me with your stupid scythe!
:'''Irwin''': You asked for it! ''[he zapped with the scythe]''
:'''Billy''': Nope. Miss me. Try again. Uh-uh. You got nothing!
:'''Irwin''': ''(angrily screaming)'' You're gotta get it, Billy! What the?! Who did that?!
:'''Grim''': Incoming! ''[he jumps on a seesaw with a pile of rocks to throw at Irwin with a scythe]''
:'''Irwin''': Ha! It's that all you got?!
:'''Grim''': Darn! We need something harder then rocks.
:'''Billy''': I got it! 
:''[Billy has a plate of submarine sandwiches to put on a seesaw, and Grim jumps on a seesaw will throw submarine sandwiches will targeting and beating at Irwin and a scythe, Irwin got beating by submarine sandwiches and a scythe falls on a ground to zapping back to normal]''
:'''Grim''': ''[he picked his scythe on a ground]'' Mine! ''(smooching)''
:'''Mandy''': Get a room.
:'''Grim''': Mandy! You're back to normal!
:'''Irwin''': ''(groans)'' M-Mandy?
:'''Mandy''': You know, Irwin, the thing about crushes is, they always hurt in the end. That's why we called PUSHES.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Wiggy Jiggy Jed''': If Jed don't get a bed, he gets red in the head.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[W:Harold (Billy and Mandy)|Harold]]''': When it comes to matters of the heart, Billy is-
:'''[[W:Mandy(Billy and Mandy)|Mandy]]''': Doomed.
:'''Harold''': ...Yeah.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Wiggy Jiggy Jed''': I said, if Jed don't get no bed, ''HE GETS RED IN THE HEAD!!!'' And one heck of an appetite.

=== Jeffy's Web / Irwin Gets A Clue [5.02] ===
:'''Billy''': I missed you, but my aim is improving.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jeff''': Come on, dad. What do we sit around talk about this like normal people?
:'''Billy''': ''[inside a tumbling giant teacup]'' NEVER!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Billy''': Hey, pal. Don't be sad. You're a nerd! So what? Nerds play an important role in the world.
:'''Irwin''': Like what?
:'''Billy''': Well, nerds are like the moist towelettes in the universe. They make other people feel better about themselves.
:'''Irwin''': Thanks, Billy. I guess.
:'''Billy''': Glad I could help.

=== Duck! / Aren't You Chupacabra To See Me? [5.03] ===

:''[Duck keeps blowing raspberries, Librarian appears]''
:'''Librarian:''' Young lady, is this any way to behave?
:'''Mandy:''' No, I suppose not. Walking up and yelling at someone while they're trying to work does seem quite rude.
:'''Librarian:''' Young lady, I do not tolerate such behavior!
:'''Mandy:''' Well, that's really your problem, not my problem, is it?
:'''Librarian:''' I will not stand for this!
:'''Mandy:''' There's an empty chair right there.
:''[The librarian is infuriated.]''
:'''Mandy:''' ''[to Librarian]'' Look, lady, can you have your meltdown somewhere else? I've got a history report due tomorrow on the history of corn... and you're kind of distracting me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Grim is asleep]''
:'''Grim''': Hi, honey, I'm home! Man, even the flies were dropping like flies. ''[sniffs]'' What that smell.
:''[Grim walks up to his lion-esque Wife]''
:'''Grim''': Hello dear, whats cooking? 
:'''Wife''': AAAAAAAAAHG!
:'''Grim''': My favorite. Oh, what did I ever do to deserve a wife as good as you?
:'''Wife''': AAAAAAAAAHG!
:''[Much later, Grim and his &quot;wife&quot; are lying by the fire]''
:'''Grim''': &quot;I just love these quiet evenings, don't you?
:'''Wife''': AAAAAAAAAHG!
:'''Grim''': Wait, this is not my beautiful home! This is not my beautiful wife! ''[Screams]''
:'''Billy''': Same as it ever was. ''(Repeated multiple times)''
:'''Grim''': ''[screams]''
:''(Reference to &quot;[[w:Once in a Lifetime (Talking Heads song)|Once in a Lifetime]]&quot;)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Billy, Mandy and Grim are watching tv]''
:'''Guy on TV''': Labbie, Timmy has fallen into a well again! Go save him, Labbie!
:'''[[w:Mandy (Billy and Mandy)|Mandy]]''': Do we have anything else to watch?
:'''[[w:Billy (Billy and Mandy)|Billy]]''': But if we turn it off now, we won't know what happens to Labbie!
:'''Mandy''' &quot;Oh, Labbie. You're our hero. Here, take this golden dog bone as a token of our gratitude.&quot;
:'''[[w:Grim (Billy and Mandy)|Grim]]''': &quot;Woof, woof.&quot;
:'''Guy on TV:''' Oh, Labbie! You're our hero! Here, take this golden dog bone as a token of our gratitude.
:'''Labbie''': Woof, woof!
:'''Billy''': Hey, are you guys puh-psychic?
:'''Grim''': No, you pea-brain. We've watched this movie 60 times in a row.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Billy''': It's over!
:'''Grim''': Woo hoo!  Yes, now what shall we do?
:'''Billy''': LET'S WATCH IT AGAIN!
:''[Few hours later]''
:'''Guy on TV''': Run, Labbie! Run like a wind!
:'''Billy''': I can't believe that Timmy fell into the well again. I mean, wouldn't he get sick of falling into it over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over-and over and over and over, ooh, it's over; let's watch it again!
:'''Mandy &amp; Grim''': NO!!!
:''[Grim takes out the tape]''
:'''Grim''': No more Labbie!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Mandy and Grim walk into Billy's living room, the whole place practically destroyed]''
:'''Grim''': Billy, what happened here?
:'''Billy''': I don't know, Grim... I fell asleep, and I had this crazy dream that I was NAKED at school and the Tchupakabra attacked me!
:'''Grim''': Billy! Oh, my goodness! What's that?!
:'''Billy''': What's what?
:'''Grim''': Over there!
:'''Billy''': I don't see...
:'''Grim''': On your back!!
:'''Billy''': On my hat?
:'''Grim''': Curse you boy! On your back!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[a chupacabra has latched onto Billy's head]''
:'''Grim''': I think it's trying to suck his brains out, man!
:'''Mandy''': Poor thing's gonna starve.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grim''': ''[glances at Rudolpho]'' So, what are you... in for?
:'''Rudolpho''': I beat the snot out of a guy... for farting!
:''[Grim looks down and spots the duck ready to blow a raspberry]''
:'''Grim''': ''[desperately]'' Guard!
:'''Rudolpho''': Just the sound of it makes me so angry!
:'''Grim''': ''[more desperately]'' Guard!
:'''Rudolpho''': Angry!
:'''Grim''': ''[as desperate as possible]'' Guard!
:'''Guard''': ''[finally arrives]'' All right, Reaper, your bail is here.
:'''[[w:Irwin (Billy and Mandy)|Irwin]]''': I came here as soon as I got the call, yo!
:'''Grim''': ''[relieved sigh]'' I knew I could count on you, Irwin.
:'''Irwin''': ''[hands a piggy bank to the guard]'' Here you are, Officer!
:'''Guard''': Gee, thanks.
:''[throws the piggy bank across the room, breaking it]''
:'''Guard''': How much was in that piggy bank?
:'''Irwin''': Four dollars and thirty-two cents.
:'''Guard''': So, you like to be a jokester, do ya, Mr. Funny Guy? Mr. Comedian, eh?
:'''Irwin''': I don't understand.
:'''Guard''': Well, the bail is thirty-five hundred dollars!
:'''Irwin''': ''[sobbing]'' I was only trying to be helpful!
:'''Guard''': Now get out of my jail, Irwin. OUT!
:'''Irwin''': ''[stops sobbing]'' Yes, Grim! &quot;[walks out]&quot;
:'''Guard''': Yeah, yeah, I'm not Grim! You'd better run, Irwin!
:''[calmly]''
:'''Guard''': I'd like to think I'd make a difference.
:'''Irwin''': That was wiggety-whack, yo.
:''[finds the duck]''
:'''Irwin''': Hey, a duck! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grim''': At the rate this duck is getting people in the trouble, I predict this cell will be full in about...four hours.
:'''Caption''': Two hours later... ''[fart sound]''
:'''Grim''': Man, he's working fast!
:'''[[w:Evil Con Carne|Hector Con Carne]]''': I'm not even on this stupid show anymore!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Billy''': Oh, I get it! We're playing a game where we make stuff up, right? Okay... I see a big green eleflant! He plays the drums and listens to FREEDOM ROCK!

=== Zip Your Fly / Puddle Jumping [5.04] ===
:[''Mandy's head has been swapped with fly's head.'']
:'''[[w:Pud'n|Pud'n]]''': Mandy looks kinda funny.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[w:Mandy (Billy and Mandy)|Mandy]]''':  I'm not a fly, Billy's Dad. It's me, Mandy. I need you to get Grim.
:'''[[w:Harold (Billy and Mandy)|Harold]]''': I get it! You're one of those talking flies that try to look like people!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Mandy sees a poster with Billy]''
:'''Mandy''': Look, it's Billy, and he's racing with wieners.
:'''[[W:Grim (Billy and Mandy|Grim]]''': You mean Irwin and Pud'n?
:'''Mandy''': No, wiener DOGS.

=== Runaway Pants / Scythe 2.0. [5.05] ===

{Grim is in the Garage trying to sharpen his scythe}

:'''[[w:Billy (Billy and Mandy)|Billy]]''': Of course your wasting your time sharpening that piece of crud!
:'''[[w:Grim (Billy and Mandy)|Grim]]''': ''(angry)'' Why you little... ''(Scythe shatters and the lights go out)''
:'''Billy''': ''(in the dark)'' Where'd all the pieces go?  ''(A light is turned on and it shines thru the holes in Billy's face)'' Wow!! Look at the lights!!!
:'''[[w:Mandy (Billy and Mandy)|Mandy]]''': ''(Holding a flashlight)'' Power tools in the dark? Darwin should be paying you goons a royalty. 
:''[a possible reference to the [[w:Darwin Awards |Darwin Awards]]]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Scythe 2.0''': I was never meant to be used as a hedge trimmer, a drain cleaner or a depilatory aid! I was meant to carve a swath of despair and destruction through the world of men, to blacken the skies and redden the seas, leaving nothing behind but entropy and uncomfortable silence...
:'''[[w:Grim (Billy and Mandy)|Grim]]''': Yeah, yeah, be quiet. One of these guys is gonna win a million bucks for milking a goat with his mouth!

=== The Firebird Sweet / The Bubble With Billy [5.06] ===

:'''Grim''': You'll have to use your feminine wiles to get him to talk.
:'''Mandy''': ''(groans)'' I hate Billy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[W:Eris (Billy and Mandy)|Eris]]''': ''(furious)'' Thud!! THUD WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!?
:'''Thud''': ''(nervous)'' Having some cereal.
:'''Eris''': And what have I said about having some cereal in the boardroom!?
:'''Thud''': Uhhh?
:'''Eris''': ''(spraying Thud with spray bottle)'' Bad Thud!!
:''(Thud backs away in terror while Grim and Mandy look on, weirded out)''
:'''Thud''': No, no!!
:''(Thud, in a panic, drops the cereal bowl and Mandy picks up a piece while Eris threatens him with the spray bottle)''
:'''Thud''': ''(begging)'' No, please, no!!
:'''[[w:Mandy (Billy and Mandy)|Mandy]]''': Hey, Eris!
:'''Eris''': ''(whips head around)'' What!!?
:'''Mandy''': You got a piece of food stuck between your teeth.
:'''Eris''': ''(looks down at her teeth)'' No, I don't...
:''(Mandy flings an AppleScrap into the gap in Eris's front top row of teeth.)''
:'''Mandy''': You do now.
:'''Eris''' ''(startled)'' What in the... ''(the firebird comes of Billy's head and latches onto Eris')''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mandy''': ''(trying to be nice)'' Billy, we've known each other now for what seems like a nightmarish eternity. And though I insult you and lie to you daily, steal your stuff, make fun of you, your family, and anyone who looks like you, I still don't feel like I ''(frustrated grunt)'' know you. Why don't you tell me more about yourself?
:'''[[W:Billy (Billy and Mandy)|Billy]]''': If I told you, you wouldn't understand. I'm a very complex and multi-layered person.
:''(He blows tiny gum bubbles)''
:'''Billy''': ''(speaking rapidly)'' But if you really want to know more about me, it's all here in my new autobiography! Hot off the presses! Complete and UNABRIDGED'!!

=== Billy Idiot / Home Of The Ancients [5.07] ===
:'''[[w:Billy (Billy and Mandy)|Billy]]''': We're here to see Mrs. Fingerwiggle.
:'''[[w:Mandy (Billy and Mandy)|Mandy]]''': Pollywinkle.
:'''Billy''': Hairyankle!
:'''Mandy''': Pollywinkle!
:'''Billy''': Terrytingle?
:'''Mandy''': Pollywinkle.
:'''Billy''': Molly Ringwald!
:'''Mandy''': Pollywinkle! Oh, forget it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[w:Harold (Billy and Mandy)|Harold]]''': I'm no quitter... and I'm NOT girly... I'm a ballet dancer!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Harold''': No one steals Billy's soul. That wasn't in the school curriculum.
:'''Mrs. Pollywinkle''': Oh, yes it was. It was on the first page of the brochure in bright red letters.
:'''Harold''': Yeah, but you didn't count on one thing: I can't read!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[w:Grim (Billy and Mandy)|Grim]]''': What's going on up there? The whole place is falling apart.
:'''Mandy''': Yet another school that Billy's ruined.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:[''why Grim talks to a bush'']
:'''[[w:Pud'n|Pud'n]]''':  Maybe he's apologizing for peeing on it for such a long time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[After Grim's plan disasterously fails at the end.]''
:'''Mandy''': The road to stupid is paved with good intentions.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Grim''': Uh, excuse me, sir? Do you have time for an informal survey? What do you think is more frightening, these three scary monsters... ''[Bride of Frankenstein, Dracula and Wolf Man make scary noises]'' ...or this glass of water?
:'''Man''': Water! Eh, eh, WATER!
:'''Grim''': Look, man, I'll give you five bucks. Five bucks! If you say those monsters are scarier than the water.
:'''Dracula''': Dracula thirsty. Gonna drink this water.
:'''Grim''': ''[to Dracula]'' Dracula, please don't!
:'''Dracula''': You can't tell Dracula what to do! Dracula a grown man. Do what he wants!
:'''Man''': Can I please go now?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Dracula''': Wolfman swallowed a squirrel whole. Dracula told him to chew, but no one listens to Dracula!

=== My Fair Mandy [5.08] ===
:'''Posters on the school wall''': Scurvy Prevention Week; Let's all agree with vitamin C!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mandy''': Mindy, beauty pageants are ridiculous contests for ridiculous girls.
:'''Mindy''': Oh, Mandy, Mandy, Mandy, Mandy, Mandy. Mandy, Mandy, Mandy, Mandy, Mandy, Mandy. Man-deeeee. You ugly people are so predictable. But since you were born hideous and beast-like, it's not my place to judge.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mindy''': Putting makeup on you is like putting diamonds on a doo-doo. Give it up, Mandy. I was Little Miss Rickets last year, Little Miss Toe Jam the year before and, GIRRRRL, I'm gonna be Little Miss Scurvy this year.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Principal Goodvibes''': Look, Mandy! I've got a lemon for a head! I guess that makes me... CRAAAZY?
:'''Mandy''': Hello, Principal Goodvibes.
:'''Principal Goodvibes''': Mandy, I overheard the hurtful things that Mindy said to you. And I think she's got a point. You have to look deep inside, and realize that the only person who can decide if you're truly pretty... is a panel of three judges! Here's a pageant entry form.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mindy''': You REALLY are going to enter the Little Miss Scurvy pageant, aren't you, Mandy?
:'''Mandy''': Yes, Mindy. Scared of the competition?
:'''Mindy''': I'm scared that the judges will mistake you for a big doo-doo monster and chase you out of town with torches.
:'''Grim''': Oh, yeah? We'll see who chases whom with torches.
:'''Billy''': Yeah! Mandy'll take your pants off!
:'''Grim''': Beat your pants off...
:'''Billy''': BEAT your pants off.
:'''Mindy''': Oh, I'm SOOOO sure she'll win. And in case you didn't know -- that was sarcasm. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go get a rib removed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Crabina''': ''[about Mandy]'' What does this girl's attitude say to you?
:'''Billy''': It says bad things. Things I'm not supposed to repeat. Make the bad things go away! ''(cries)'' I'll be good Mommy! I promise.
:'''Crabina''': Exactly. She is what we refer her as &quot;sour grapes&quot;.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crabina''': Gentlemen, prepare for shock and awe. The plain, drab Mandy you knew before is dead.
:'''Billy''': GRIM, SHE MURDERED MANDY!
:''[Grim slaps Billy upside the head, causing his nose to fall off]''
: '''Grim''': It's a figure of speech, dummy!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grim''': Look at these little girls all tarted up. What kind of sad, needy person would force them to do that?
:'''Mom #1''': Don't forget this is Mommy's big day.
:'''Mom #2''': The bigger you smile, the more beautiful Mommy looks!
:'''Mom #3''': Baby, it's time to earn Mommy's love!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Principal Goodvibes''': And say hello to our impartial judges: General Skarr... Cap'n Greengums... and Mindy's mom!
:'''Mindy's Mom''': Hi, honey!
:'''Mindy''': Hi, Mommy!
:'''Grim''': Impartial my big, boney...
:'''Principal Goodvibes''': BUT, before we begin, let's stop and think about why we are here...
:'''Audience Member''': My wife made me come!
:'''Principal Goodvibes''': ''(Scowls, then resumes)'' Scurvy is a terrible, terrible disease... Isn't that right, Cap'n Greengums?
:'''Captain Greengums''': Arr, I used to have a set of perfect gums, over which the tavern wenches swooned! But then, I got the scurvy! They had to replace me gums with... with... KOSHER PICKLES! ''[Starts to cry, and hugs Skarr]'' And I hate pickles!
:'''Principal Goodvibes''': Statistics show the number one cause of scurvy is IGNORANCE! Please do not boil your fruit juices. I cannot stress this enough, people! ''[farts]'' Now with that out of the way -- let the pageant begin! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Principal Goodvibes''': First round, Evening Gowns! Julie. Laura. Eva. Xina. Anna. Ray. Sue. Mindy. Mandy.
:'''Irwin''': Oh, yeah!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Principal Goodvibes''': Gom Jabbar!
:'''Mindy''': It BURRRRRNS! ''[pulls out hand]''
:'''Captain Greengums''': Arrrr, that'll cost 'er some points.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Sir Raven|Sir Raven]]''': Will Mandy win the pageant? Will she ever smile? I don't care. Instead, here's an important commercial message. ''IMPORTANT... COMMERCIAL... MESSAGE''!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Grim, Billy and Mandy are dressed up as The Power-Puff Girls. Suddenly, the hotline rings)''
:'''Professor Utonium''': Girls! Girls, wake up! Mojo Jojo just snuck into the movie theater without paying!
:'''Grim''': Yeah, yeah. We're on it, professor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Grim''': Okay. We keep flying, we don't look back, we NEVER talk about this again!
:'''Billy''': Yep.
:'''Mandy''': Uh-huh.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grim''': Never get this feeling something really bad is about to..

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sir Raven''': YOU FOOLS!! YOU'VE MESSED WITH THE NATURAL ORDEEEEER!!

=== One Crazy Summoner / Guess What's Coming to Dinner [5.09] ===

:'''Gladys''': Oh, for Pete's sake, Harold, what the heck is a giant anaconda doing in my kitchen?!
:'''[[w:Harold (Billy and Mandy)|Harold]]''': Pretty much whatever it wants, I'm thinking.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Nigel Planter''': So, will you help me?
:'''[[w:Billy (Billy and Mandy)|Billy]]''': Nope.
:'''[[w:Grim (Billy and Mandy|Grim]]''': Not really.
:'''[[w:Mandy (Billy and Mandy)|Mandy]]''': Who cares?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''' Dorko Malfly''' ''[waves the wand and to Nigel Planter]'' I hope your show turning into a cartoon! ''[Dorko laughs evilly]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[w:Hoss Degaldo|Hoss Delgado]]''': So there I was, facing 12 feet poop elves.  Didn't have anywhere to run-
:'''Principal Goodvibes''': Umm, excuse me, but how could they be elves if they were 12 feet tall?
:'''Hoss Degaldo''': It was a leap year.
:'''Goodvibes''': But, that still doesn't explain- 
:'''Hoss Degaldo''': You sharp-shooting me, Goodpudding? 
:'''Goodvibes''': Uh, I was just-
:'''Hoss Delgado''': Are you stepping in my cornflakes?!
:'''Goodvibes''': No, I was just-
:'''Hoss Degaldo''': Lemme tell you something about stepping into people's cornflakes... it's a weird way to eat cornflakes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Hoss Delgado''': [interrupts Goodvibes] Come on, Goodlvibes, out with it! Is our little Reamus on the bullet train to Smartsville, or is he riding the slow pony to the rubber forest?
:'''Goodvibes''': Well, I think...
:'''Hoss Delgado''': ''[pulls out a giant green spork]'' Think hard.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Eris''': Do you like lobster, Mr. Goodpoop? 
:'''Principal Goodvibes''': It's good VIBES, and yes, I love lobster. 
:'''Eris''': How about giant alien zombie lobster? 
:'''Principal Goodvibes''': Well, I can't really say... 
[giant lobster picks up Principal Goodvibes]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mandy''': Rollington Academy is for...
:'''[[w:Billy (Billy and Mandy)|Billy]]''': Geniuses! Which I is one of am!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Billy''': Ask me a question. Give me a challenge. Anything at all.
:'''Grim''': Who developed the theory of relativity?
:'''Billy''': That is a trick question, Grim. Everyone knows fruit bats are mammals.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Grim''': ''[after Billy is hit by a flying croquet ball]'' What? It wasn't me. If I wanted to get rid of you two, I'd use something bigger. Like a truck.
:''[a truck falls out of the sky and crushes him]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Eris''': ''[indicates Hoss]'' This is Billy's dad. ''[indicates herself]'' I'm Billy's mom, ''[pulls out a trout]'' and this is a trout. ''[she proceeds to smack Goodvibes around the head with it''
:'''Principal Goodvibes''': ...Why'd you just hit me with a trout?
:'''Eris''': Because the mackerel wasn't fresh.

=== Mommy Fiercest / The Taking Tree [5.10] ===

:''[Billy's mom has been transformed into a little girl]''
:'''[[w:Billy (Billy and Mandy)|Billy]]''': Bread-fairy elf-gnome, indeed! You're nothin' but a filthy stranger, and my mom tells me not to accept bread from filthy strangers!
:'''Gladys''': But Billy, I am your (Gladys' tic kicks in) Mommy!
:'''Billy''': My mom's ancient and grappling with the onsets of menopause.
:'''Gladys''': GO TO YOUR ROOM! 
:'''Billy''': Heheheh, you're fun! A little odd, but fun!  I'll name you... Corn!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[At the movie theater, Billy decides what movie he wants to see]''
:'''[[w:Billy (Billy and Mandy)|Billy]]''': Weeeellll... Y-I don't make any life-altering decisions without  consulting my friend Mr. Bread first. ''[Irwin runs out of the Exploding Penguins theater]''
:'''Irwin''': I've sure gotta go to the bathroom, yo!
:'''Billy''': Sorry, guys, but when Bread's gots to go, he gots to go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Gladys''': (Repeated throughout the episode) He's MY baby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[w:Grim (Billy and Mandy)|Grim]]''': Don't make me use my Kung Fu...
:'''[[w:Mandy (Billy and Mandy)|Mandy]]''': You were on a children's Kung Fu class?
:'''Grim''': Silence, non-believer!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Billy''': This pillow stuffing tastes like I'm choking! (Gagging noise)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Gladys''': Oh, Mandy! You're such a legpuller!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Billy's dad notices Grim's scythe.]''
:'''Harold''': Say, Grim left his magic stick thingy!
:''[He grabs the scythe]''
:'''Harold''': ''[talking like a commercial announcer]'' Hello, friends! Tired of living? Those Sunday brunches gotcha down? Well, I can relieve all that ails 'ya with this &quot;magic stick thingy&quot;! Side effects may include missing limbs, hair loss, and not living anymore!
:''[Harold gets zapped with the scythe and turns into a child.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Billy''': But I'm looking for Captain Fathead!
:'''Mandy''': Your dad's in the garage.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mandy''': ''[after seeing Billy's butt through the hole in the back of his pants]'' I've just lost my ability to see! I can still feel your butt looking at me.

=== Reap Walking / The Loser from the Earth's Core [5.11] ===

:'''Billy''': Hey Grim, do you want one chocolate pickle or two?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Billy''': It's empty, just like my soul.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mandy''': I would ask if you're okay... but I don't care.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Grim''': I sense a disturbance in the force.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Gladys''': I would've gotten away with it if it weren't for you meddling kids!
:''[The camera shows the Scooby-Doo cast]''
:'''Mandy''': No, over here.
:''[Camera pans down to Billy and Mandy]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Nergal''': And so you see, Billy, I'm a sad, sad failure. I can't ever show my face in that household again.&lt;/br&gt;
:'''Billy''': ''[cheerfully]'' Well, maybe you can show some other parts of your body.&lt;/br&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Nergal Jr.''': Drop dead! I have no father.&lt;/br&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Nergal Jr.''': Are you all better in the head now?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grim''': Lady! I'm the Grim Reaper not the Happy Morning Sunshine Reaper!

=== Ecto Cooler / Schlubs [5.12] ===

:'''Lord Byron''': We will write a witty poem about Sperg's mother. Your words will be as 10,000 arrows in his buttocks!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lord Byron''': ''[after stopping Billy from attacking Sperg]'' No, Billy. A gentleman is a GENTLE man. We are pacifists by nature. The pen is mightier than the sword.
:'''[[W:Billy (Billy and Mandy)|Billy]]''': What about an AXE?
:'''Lord Byron''': Huh?
:'''Billy''': Crossbow?
:'''Lord Byron''': No.
:'''Billy''': A phase plasma rifle with a forty watt range?
:'''Lord Byron''': Let's just get you a pen.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lord Byron''': You must not fear, Billy. Fear is the death that brings total obliteration!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lord Byron''': Trained well and strong with coolness you are... But not that strong. ''[disappears]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[w:Mandy (Billy and Mandy)|Mandy]]''': ''[to Atilla the Hun and Rasputin]'' You and you, get teaching. ''[to Abraham Lincoln]'' Honest Abe, you get the chips.
:'''Ghost of Abraham Lincoln''': Why is it always my job to get the chips?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Billy''': But I thought you were AGAINS fighting. Like Switzerland.
:'''Lord Byron''': Switzerland is a cursed, selfish, SWINISH country of '''BRUTES''', located in the most romantic region in the world...

=== Prank Call of Cthulhu [5.13] ===
:'''Billy''': You STILL knew it was me?! I even dressed up as a stupid cowboy so nobody would recognize me! I HATE CALLER ID SO MUCH!!! IT'S RUINING MY LIFE, GRIM!!! MY LIFE!!! '''MY LIIIIIIIIIIIIFE!!!!!'''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Grim:''' ''(After Mandy asks why he's crying)'' Billy, and... and his... UGLY friend... They made a call during the week, and I've only got a limited amount of weekday minutes! That is so EVIL, man! And I know evil - I'm the Grim Reaper!
:'''Mandy''': Get ahold of yourself. They were probably playing around with your phone making a bunch of phony phone calls. Where are they, anyway?
:'''Grim''': Oh, I don't know. They probably got sucked through the phone into another dimension beyond time and space, yadda-dabba-doo, and we're all doomed if they awaken the Great Cthulhu, 'cause he'll probably come up and destroy the universe. Let's go watch television.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Billy is transforming into a Lovecraftian monster]''
:'''Mandy''': Your nose looks like﻿ a cuttlefish.
:'''Billy''': Chicks dig cuttlefish!
:'''Mandy''': And your mouth looks like a big, disgusting﻿ sucker.
:'''Billy''': Chicks dig--
:'''Grim''': Don't go there.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mutated Endsville citizens''': ''[singing]'' It looks like it's Endsville for Endsville!
:The Endsville we all loved was just a fluke!
:We have tentacles, sharp teeth and great big gills,
:But the sushi in this town all tastes like puke!
:It looks like it's Endsville for Endsville!
:The Endsville folk have really lost the fight!
:We have sunk into some weird amoebic ooze,
:So flush it down and don't forget to wipe!

==Christmas special==

===Billy &amp; Mandy Save Christmas===
:'''[[w:Grim (Billy and Mandy)|Grim]]''': I never liked the livin' undead... walkin' around all dead but alive... Makes a mockery of my job.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Grim''': Oh ,come on, Mandy. I always wanted to save Christmas with a vampire sidekick. Ever since I was a little boy...
:''(Flashes back to Grim as a child in kindergarden.)''
:'''Grim''': ''(out loud to no one in particular)'' Someday I'll save Christmas wih a vampire! ''(cheesy smile)''
:''(A snowball hits him in the face.)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Baron Van Ghoulish''': Besides, you don't want the Head Vampire, you want the HEAD Head Vampire.
:'''Mandy''': The HEAD Head Vampire?
:'''Baron''': Yes, they did this whole reorganization thing a couple of hundred years ago. It doesn't make much sense to me... Eh, what was I talking about? Oh yes, yes, the &quot;Head&quot; Head Vampire. I think he was at my Labor Day SOIREE. I'd definitely know him if i saw him. 
:'''Mandy''': If he spilled something on your rug, I'm sure you'd recognize him.
:''(Van Ghoulish hisses at her.)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Grim''': How come every time I take you kids to a mall it burns to the ground?
:'''[[w:Billy (Billy and Mandy)|Billy]]''': I blame the economy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mandy''': ''[to vampire Santa]'' You're lucky Death was here to save you this time, fat man!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Grim''': ''[after knocking on Santa's door and nobody answering]'' Strange, the door is locked and nobody is answering.
:'''Mandy''': If you saw the Grim Reaper at your door, would you answer?
:'''Grim''': Good point. But there should at least be some frightened screamin'. ''(reaches into pocket)'' Hang on, I got something for this. 
:'''Mandy''': What?
:'''Grim''': ''(pulls out a key)'' A skeleton key! 
:''(A snowball hits him in the face.)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Von Ghoulish &amp; Grim''': Hurrah!
:'''Von Ghoulish:''' ''Now we're off.''
:'''Grim:''' ''Yes, we're off.''
:'''Von Ghoulish:''' ''We're off to save Christmas.''
:'''Grim:''' ''Off to save Christmas.''
:'''Von Ghoulish:''' ''And we're cold.''
:'''Grim:''' ''Super cold!''
:'''Baron Von Ghoulish:''' ''Yes, we forgot our jackets''
:'''Both:''' ''Yes, we did not bring our jackets, so we'll freeze and we will...''
:'''Mandy:''' Can it, you two. Alright, Baron if you know the way let's hear it, because we're... LOST,
:''(singing continues)''
:'''Both:''' ''And we're lost!&lt;br /&gt;Oh so lost, and we can't feel our fingers.&lt;br /&gt;No we can't feel our...''
:'''Mandy:''' I said, knock it off. (Sees Baron Von Ghoulish &amp; Grim in a block of ice) Great, I get to spend Christmas Eve with a couple of dorksicles.

== Season 6 ==

=== Billy Ocean / Hill Billy [6.01] ===

:'''[[w:Captain Deadwood the Heartless|Captain Deadwood the Heartless]]''': They call me Captain Deadwood, the Heartless, Arrrr! But don't let the name fool ya'... I'm not a real captain.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[w:Billy (Billy and Mandy)|Billy]]''': I've never been a real son to anybody before! Except my real dad...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Mandy gets sprayed by cow's milk]''
:'''[[w:Grim (Billy and Mandy)|Grim]]''': What's this? ''[He sees a retro cartoon phonograph]'' Hey, Mandy, I've figured out what's making that music. ''[Mandy gets up]'' You okay?
:'''Mandy''': Do I LOOK okay?
:'''Grim''': It's hard to tell; you sort of always look that way.
:''[Mandy gets sprayed by cow's milk again]''
:'''Grim''': ''[laughing]'' Now ''that's'' comedy!
:'''Mandy''': ''[REALLY furious; screams]'' '''I HATE RETRO CARTOONS!''' (The retro phonograph hears this and becomes infuriated)
:'''Grim''': SHE said it! (They both start to run away)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Grim:''' Me Spidey Senses inidicate that whatever's making that music is turning everything into a retro cartoon.&lt;br/&gt;
:'''Mandy: '''Grim, you don't HAVE Spidey Senses.&lt;br/&gt;
:'''Grim:''' ... Now that complicates things.&lt;br/&gt;

=== Keeper of the Reaper [6.02] ===
:'''Billy''': Destroying stuff makes me feel so ALIVE!
:'''Mandy''': I second that emotion.
:'''Grim''': Ditto.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grim''': ''[in Billy's fantasy]'' Gimme a banana!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harold''': Honey, remember what I promised would happen someday?
:'''Gladys''': You got the surgery?
:'''Harold''': Even better! I got transferred on work!
:'''Grim''': Transferred?
:'''Billy''': Transferred?
:'''Harold''': Aren't you excited? We get to move to another town and leave behind everything that has meaning to you!
:'''Billy''': But I don't wanna leave. I just finished marking my territory.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%/&gt;
:'''Grim''': Stop it! Just stop it! You're behaving like spoiled children! I suggest you behave like spoiled adults, and settle this in court.
:'''Billy''': Fine! I'll see you in court! ''[He appears in a tennis court]''
:'''Grim''': Wrong court, dummy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Judge Roy Spleen''': Let's get this party started. Do you, Billy, take Mandy to be your lawfully wedded wife?
:'''Billy''': I DO!
:'''Judge Roy Spleen''': And do you, Mandy, take Billy to be... ''[security guard whispers in his ear]'' Wait, not a wedding?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mandy''': This whole charade is pointless! Grim should belong to me!
:'''Billy''': Shut your dirty pie hole! He should belong to me!
:'''Judge Roy Spleen''': BOTH of you shut your dirty pie holes! You will follow the rules of the underworld court, or so help me, I'll make you sit in the chocolate pudding chair! THE STAINS WILL NEVER COME OUT OF YOUR CLOTHES!
:'''Billy and Mandy''': ''[both gulp]''
:'''Judge Roy Splean''': Got it?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Billy''': Don't worry, Irwin, the monsters won't hurt you... unless they DECIDE to hurt you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Billy''': ''[psst, psst]'', ''[Billy sneak at witness bench]'' Irwin! 
:'''Irwin''': Billy, I'm wet and I'm naked. And there's monster everywhere.
:'''Billy''': Don't worry, they won't hurt you. Unless they decide to hurt you. ''[Billy left the bench]'' Irwin, if you would, please read to this court your pre-written words that I, Billy, not MANDY, is the best person to take custody of said Grim.
:'''Irwin''': I'm cold, yo! Can I get some pants please?
:'''Billy''': READ IT!
:'''Irwin''': I believe... Billy is the best person... in all of the universe to take care of Grim. To keep him fed and clothed... and with or without him there will be nobody to unleash a deep reservoir of love...
:'''Grim''': Reservoir of love?! Sick.
:'''Irwin''': I wanna go home, please! 
:'''Billy''': Not until you read the part about my warehouse of COMPASSION!
:'''Mandy''': Objection! He's [[w:Leading question|leading the witness]].
:'''Billy''': I'm not leading him. I'm just trying to make him say exactly what I want him to say.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jeff is being questioned by Mandy in the court.]''
:'''Jeff the Spider''': Hi, everyone.
:'''Billy''': ''[gasp]''
:'''Mandy''': Could you tell the court your relationship with Billy?
:'''Jeff the Spider''': He's my dad.
:'''Jury and Court''': Ewwwwwww!
:'''Grim''': Billy only hatched the egg, people. That's all.
:'''Jury and Court''': Ohhhhhhhh...
:'''Mandy''': And how would you rate Billy as a caregiver?
:'''[[w:Jeff the Spider|Jeff the Spider]]''': Pretty good, I guess... except he's never remembered my birthday... or paid child support... in fact, he usually just jabs me with a big stick. OW!
:'''Billy''': ''(begins to jab Jeff with a really big stick)'' I'll jab you good, you filthy bug!
:'''Jeff the Spider''': Why don't you love me, dad?! I'll be anything you want me to be!
:'''Billy''': I WANT YOU TO BE DEAD!!!
:'''Mandy''': No further questions.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Li'l Porkchop is being questioned by Mandy in the court.]''
:'''Mandy''': Li'l Porkchop, how long were you Billy's pet?
:'''Li'l Porkchop''': Eleven minutes.
:'''Mandy''': And what did he do to you, in those eleven minutes?
:'''Li'l Porkchop''': Horrible, horrible things... I don't want to talk about it! I still wake up, every night, screaming... SCREAMING! (quietly) Screaming...
:'''Mandy''': No further questions.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Billy''': So, Mandy? You think you can make me look BAD?! Well, guess what, Mr. Missy-miss? I don't need YOU to make ME look bad! I can do that all on my own. And now, you force me to play dirty. ''[Billy starts playing in mud, laughing]'' I'm a dirty boy. I'm a dirty, I'm a dirty boy!
:'''Mandy''': Billy, you've just evolved a notch up the idiot ladder.
:'''Billy''': Such biting comments, Mandy. But now, they'll bite YOU - in the butt! I call to this court, Mandy's mom and dad!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mandy's dad''': It's not that we don't LOVE Mandy...
:'''Mandy's mom''': We love her very much!
:'''Mandy's dad''': It's just that we're... uhh... kinda scared of her.
:'''Mandy's mom''': I'm usually too afraid to even make eye contact!
:'''Mandy's dad''': When she was born, wolves came to try and raise her as one of their own. Sometimes I wonder if we were wrong to stop them...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Fred Fredburger|Fred Fredburger]]''': Gosh, I love paperwork... especially the part where I get to write my name. F, R, E, D... F, R, E, D... B, U, R... G... E... R! Fred Fredburger! Yes!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[About the judge's gavel.]''
:'''Fred Fredburger''': I like the hammer-thingie. When you do NOT get one!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred Fredburger''': ''(About Wiggy Jiggy Jed's hat)'' Hey, can I try on that hat? I think it's important. I think it's important that I try on the hat, because...
:'''Judge Roy Spleen''': WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
:'''Fred Fredburger''': Judge?
:'''Judge Roy Spleen''': No! Shut up!
:'''Fred Fredburger''': ...Judge?
:'''Judge Roy Spleen''': SHUT UP!
:'''Fred Fredburger''': Judge?
:'''Judge Roy Spleen''': I ORDER YOU TO SHUT UP!!
:'''Fred Fredburger''': Judge?
:'''Judge Roy Spleen''': WHY WON'T YOU SHUT UP?!?!?! ''[Silence]''
:'''Fred Fredburger''': ...Judge? ''(Judge Roy Spleen finally gives in and he gives Fred the hat)''
:'''Fred Fredburger''': Yes.

&lt;hr width= &quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Chorus''': It's obvious to everyone here, 
:it's obvious to everyone here, 
:it's obvious to everyone that...
:'''Fred Fredburger''': I have to make poo-poo!
:''[music stops]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred Fredburger''': Judge, the nachos made my poo-poo really stinky.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mandy''': Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Billy is a doofus. Just look at him. If you give Grim to Billy, he'll abuse him, abuse him in all the wrong ways.
:'''Billy''': It's true.
:'''Mandy''': But, if you give Grim to me, I'll abuse him in all the right ways!
:'''Grim''': ''[gulps]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred Fredburger''': Hey, hey... are you gonna cry?
:'''Billy''': ''[crying]'' Sh-Shut up!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[Scooby-Doo]]''': She makes fun of the way I walk! I mean, look at me, I'm a stinkin' dog!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': Uh Judge, where are the nachos?
:'''Judge Roy Spleen''': There aren't any nachos!
:'''Fred''': Oh, then, where are the hot dogs?
:'''Judge''': There are no hot dogs!
:'''Fred''': Pizza?
:'''Judge''': No!
:'''Billy''': Tacos?
:'''Fred''': I like tacos!
:'''Judge Roy Spleen''': ''(bashes Billy and Mandy together)'' Don't encourage him!

=== The Love That Dare not Speak Its Name / Major Cheese [6.03] ===
:'''Grim: ''' ''(About Billy's choice to be the grim reaper when he grows up)'' So you want to be me when you grow up. I don't know whether to be flattered or terrified.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mandy''': Since when has Billy ever been with a girl? So who is this pathetic, lonely, desperate, desperate, desperate, desperate, desperate, desperate creature?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grim''': That's right, I can change my size because I'm SUPERNATURAL! 
:'''Billy''': Is it me or is Grim getting lamer?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Boys''': Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
:'''Grim''': Blandy, Blandy! Thank goodness you're here. You've got to tell Billy there's nothing between us!
:''[Blandy shows her teeth evilly at Grim]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harold''': We've look for Billy for hours. He's no where to be found. We're too late! We failed him, Mandy! Failed! ''[cries]'' Oh, there he is.
:'''Mandy'''': We got to tell Billy what we've found out about Blandy.
:'''Harold''': I hear you loud and clear. Let me handle this.
:''[Billy is shown choking Grim and his dad shows up]''
:'''Harold''': ''[shouting]'' BILLY! I have something very very important to tell you! It's very crusel that you listen to me! OKAY? ''[Billy is still beating up Grim]'' Where'd you put the remote control to the TV? I can't find it anywhere!
:'''Billy''': In, the, bathroom, UGH!
:'''Harold''': Alright! Thanks, Billy!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Billy''': Mandy, what are you doing? This doesn't involve you!
:'''Grim'''': Mandy! Mandy! You've got to talk some sense to that boy! He thinks something's going on between me and Blandy! Tell him it's untrue!
:'''Billy''': '''YOU LIE! YOU'RE A DIRTY LIAR!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Billy''': ''[To Blandy who is a monster now]'' I don't care about that, Blandy! I still love you!
:'''Blandy''': I don't mean you, I meant Grim.
:'''Billy''': ''[to Grim, angrily]'' I'LL KILL YOU!!! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Blandy''': Billy? I thought I was marrying Grim.
:'''Adult Billy''': ''[to Grim, angrily]'' I'LL KILL YOU!!!
:'''Adult Mandy''': Remember, kids: Love only leads to pain.

=== Modern Primitives / Giant Billy and Mandy All-Out Attack [6.04] ===

:'''[[w:Pud'n|Pud'n]]''': Captain Deadwood, they called him. ''But don't let the name fool you''... He's not REALLY a captain...
:'''Mrs. Butterbean''': Thank you, Pud'n, for that... Interesting show-and-tell...
:'''Pud'n''': I don't need your pathetic sympathy!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mrs. Butterbean''' ''[angrily talk to the mean old caveman, Fred Flintstone, drove roughly in Mrs. Butterbean's car]'' You do know, that now you'd kidnapped me, I expect to be married.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[doorbell rings]''
:'''Mandy''': Grim. Door. Now.
:''[Grim walks off screen and returns with Billy and Irwin]''
:'''Grim''': Here you go, your highness. Count Idiot and Lord Weenie.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Billy''' ''[sobbing]'': Goodbye old friend, may you find you destiny in the future, mighty Jake Steel. The future, where cars will fly and we'd all have nano machines in our bloodstream that will enable us to tell the time without a watch. The future... the FUTURE.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mandy''': He's not dead, Billy. We just re-buried him in your front yard. What a waste of an episode.

=== The Wrongest Yard / Druid, Where's My Car? [6.05] ===
:'''Grim:''' ''(after turning into a penguin)'' Wait a minute, my spirit animal is a penguin? I was hoping for a tyrannosaurus.
----
:'''Mindy''': That's not fair! I'm a captain! And if I go, I'm taking all my girls with me!
:'''Football Coach''': Fine! Mandy's way better than you, anyway.
:'''Mindy''': Listen here, Mandy! If you'll become captain. I swear! I will never, ever, EVER speak to you again!
:'''Mandy''': Well, I can't pass up that offer. I'll do it.
:'''Mindy''': Uh! ''(growls)'' You...AGGGHHHH!!! ''(anger mumbling)

=== Herbicidal Maniac / Chaos Theory [6.06] ===
:''[Eris turns into a praying mantis and eats Hoss Delgado alive]''
:'''Eris''':  When a praying mantis devours her mate, it's because she loves him. When ''I'' do it, it's because ''I'M CRAZY''! HAHAHAHA!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Hoss Delgado''': You've never truly been loved until you've been eaten by a giant bug.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Pud'n''': Mister Skarr, there's a candy bar in the pool!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''General Skarr''': Ahh, Billy! ''[spots Billy's parents]'' ...And some other people.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Skarr has been transformed into a plant-like creature]''
:'''Harold''': You know, Skarr, there's something different about you lately. I can't quite squeeze my finger on it.
:'''General Skarr''': Different? ''[laughs nervously and gulps]'' It must be my... healthy glow of victory.
:'''Harold''': No... it's your hair! ''[indicates the giant leaf growing out of Skarr's head]'' You finally got one!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''General Skarr''': Billy, how would you like to see something REALLY special?
:'''Billy''': Ooh! Is it a lady covered in ants wearing a loaf of bread as a hat, 'cuz I'd really like to see that, mmm-hmm.
:'''General Skarr''': ''[bewildered]'' N-No.

=== A Grim Day / Pandora's Lunch Box [6.07] ===

:'''[[w:Mandy (Billy and Mandy)|Mandy]]''': What do you want, bonehead?
:'''[[w:Grim (Billy and Mandy|Grim]]''': Billy's off to his Grammy's for the day, so I guess you have custody.
:'''Mandy''': No can do, slim.
:'''Grim''': Huh?
:'''Mandy''': This is the one day of the year that's all about me.
:'''Grim''': But I thought every day was all about Mandy.
:'''Mandy''': True, but this is the one day of the year that I pamper myself. Manicure, pedicure, facial, massage. The works.
:''[Grim looks confused]''
:'''Mandy''': Okay, I sit on the couch, stuff myself with cheesy foam and watch demolition derby. The point is, I need a break!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Woman #1''': Can you believe she said that?
:'''Woman #2''': No kidding?
:'''Woman #1''': Yeah, I'm just kidding.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[w:General Skarr|General Skarr]]''': Who dares challenge Skarr! Prepare to meet my ''DOOM''!
:'''Grim''': I guess it's your turn Billy... I mean Pud'n.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Pud'n''':  Hey... you are that nice mister Skarr, with all those pretty flowers?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Grim''': I can't believe that you actually saved the humanity. But you hate humanity!
:'''Mandy''': I won't be tricked into unleashing a never-ending sorrow on humanity. When the time comes, I'll do it on my own.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[About Dora the Explorer]''
:'''Billy''': Is it that show about the little girl who wanders around the jungle without any adult supervision, averting crisis and conversing with wild animals with the aid of her foreign language-speaking monkey?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mandy''': Grim, you're gonna tell me how to stop her, and you're gonna do it now.
:'''Grim''': And why should I do that?
:'''Mandy''': ''[angrily grabbing Grim by the neck of his cloak]'' You're gonna tell it! Or, so help me, I will pull your stupid cloak through your eyes and use it as reins to ride your bony butt back to the darkest pits of the Underworld''' ''FROM WHENCE YOU CAME!!'' '''
:'''Grim''': Aghh, OK! Sorry I asked, you little psychopath.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mindy''': ''[to her cheerleading squad]'' Don't stop! Get it! Get it! SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Dora''': ''[after trying to make Mindy open her lunch box for some time]'' Look, are you gonna open my lunch box and look inside or not, you big LOSER! ''[Mindy, the girls and Irwin scream]''
:'''Mindy''': ''[stamering in shock]'' Wh-what? I-I-I'm not a lo-loser! You're the... ''[Dora walks away]'' Hey, get back here! I'm not through humiliating you, you... you bean!
:'''Dora''': &quot;Er, mind if I join you.&quot;
:'''Mandy''': &quot;Anyone who can do THAT do Mindy can join us!&quot;
:'''Mindy''': ''[in increasingly panicked voice]''I'm not a loser. Loser...bean, BEAN, LOSER!
[Mindy screams in frustration, hits herself with the remains of the 7-Layer Dip and passes out]
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grim''': ''[To Skarr] &quot; Blah Blah Blah Scythe. Blah Blah Blah Blah Scythe. Blah Blah Blah! Ultimate Power!&quot;''

=== Billy and Mandy vs. the Martians [6.08] ===
:Gladys: Billy, you need to clean your

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Irwin''': Mandy! Take my hand!
:'''Mandy''': No, I know where that thing's been.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Credits]''
:'''Billy''': (''Talking quickly'') Ergh, I feel like a just ate a quarter tonne or raw meat, went into a coma for 6 days and fell out of a moving vehicle in to a pile of vooomiitt.
:'''Iriwin''': That's exactly what happened yo! Except, it's only been an hour.

=== Dumb-Dumbs and Dragons / Fear and Loathing in Endsville [6.09] ===

:'''Boss Del Guapo''': Prepare the scythe wipe.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Giant Scorpion''': My babies!
:'''[[w:Dracula (Billy and Mandy)|Dracula]]''': Well, maybe if you didn't make your babies so delicious, Dracula wouldn't have to eat 'em!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Dracula''': Get your butt up. Dracula still gotta make it to the Early Bird Special.
:'''[[w:Grim (Billy and Mandy)|Grim]]''': WHY are you such a selfish old man?
:'''Dracula''': Whatcha say? Nobody calls Dracula old!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Grim''': What do you know about me?! Nothing! You don't even know my name!
:'''Dracula''': Your name is DUMMY, and if you knew anything about anything, you'd notice there's an Early Bird Special EVERY... SINGLE... DAY OF THE WEEK!!!
:'''Grim''': You just don't understand! You'll never understand! NEVER! ''[runs away crying]''
:'''Dracula''': No fried fish for Dracula then. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Grim''': ''[after being stung by the giant scorpion]'' Dracula... DRACULA!! Please hurry, I'm in terrible pain! You gotta suck out my poison!
:'''Dracula''': Nuh-uh, Dracula don't suck.
:'''Grim''': But you're a vampire! Vampires suck... Blood!
:'''Dracula''': Nah, see that's a myth. Dracula scrape with his fangs and lick up the blood. Like this... Scrape...then lick. Scrape...then lick.
:'''Grim''': ''(getting progessively weaker)'' But what about my poison...
:'''Dracula''': Didn't Dracula just tell you about the scrape-and-lick? Now, Dracula's gonna say it again for dummies who don't pay attention! Scrape and lick!
:'''Grim''': Ooooh... ''[Falls on the ground]''
:'''Dracula''': SCRAPE AND LICK!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Tusken Raider''': RAGGLE-FRAGGLE!!!
:'''Grim''': Aagh! A sand man!
:'''Tusken Raider''': Actually, we prefer &quot;people of sand&quot;.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Dracula''': Great, now HOW is Dracula supposed to get to the Early Bird Special? This is all Skeleton Man's fault. Dracula wanted to call a limo! 
: '''Grim''': There AREN'T any limos in the desert! 
: '''Dracula''': You can't tell Dracula what IS or AIN'T in the desert! 
: '''Grim''': OK, then, show me a limo. 
: '''Dracula''': ''(glancing around, then points off screen)'' There! Dracula see a limo. 
: '''Grim''': ''(looking annoyed)'' That's a cactus.
: ''(Camera cuts to Dracula sitting on cactus)'' 
: '''Dracula''': THIS LIMO HURT DRACULA'S BUTT!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[w:Mandy (Billy and Mandy)|Mandy]]''': Ordinary morality is for ordinary people.

=== Dad Day Afternoon / Scary Poppins [6.10] ===

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

=== Hurter Monkey / Goodbling and the Hip-Hop-Opotamus [6.11] ===

:'''Goodvibes''': Save the Buck Tooth Hippo! Save the Buck Tooth Hippo!
:'''Hip Hop Kid''': Yo Goodvibes! Yo' momma's so hairy, Bigfoot takes pictures of her.
:'''Goodvibes''': I can guarantee you this mister. My mother is not hairy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''H2O''': Word.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''[[w:Irwin (Billy and Mandy)|Irwin]]''': Hippo? He looks more like a fat cow.
:'''Grim''': ''[After a long, awkward silence''] He's dead.
:'''Goodbling''': Oh, no, you didn't! I know you didn't just insult my man, H2O, dawg!
:'''Irwin''': It was a mistake yo! I'm sorry!
:'''GoodBling''': Is Goodbling gonna have to insult yo' Momma?
:'''Irwin''': No! Please!
:'''Goodbling''': Yo' momma's so.
:'''Grandmama''': She's so what?
:'''Irwin''': Grandmama!
:'''Goodbling''': Grandmama?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Grandmama''': Yo' momma's so ugly that people go as her for Halloween!
:'''Students''': Oooooohhhhhh!
:'''Goodbling''': Yo' momma's so stupid, she sold her car for gas money!
:'''Students''': Oooooohhhhhh!
:'''Grandmama''': Yo' momma's so ugly, she made an onion cry!
:'''Students''': ''[Laughing]''
:'''Goodbling''': Yo' momma's so ugly, she turned Medusa to stone!
:'''Students''': Oooooohhhhhh!
:'''Grandmama''': Yo' momma's so stupid, she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept!
:'''Students''': Oooooohhhhhh!
:'''Grandmama''': Yo' momma's so stupid, she cheated off Billy's test!
:'''Billy and Students''': ''[Laughing]''
:'''Goodbling''': Yeah, well! Uh!
:'''Grandmama''': Yo' momma's so ugly, she looked out the window and got arrested for mooning!
:'''Students''': Oooooohhhhhh!
:'''Goodbling''': Uh, uh, uh, Yo' momma.
:'''Grandmama''': Now let me tell ya somethin! Yo' momma so ugly. I tell ya she's so ugly, she needs two bags to cover her face! Mmm-hmm! That the pound wouldn't take her away! (Very fast) No, they wouldn't! That Dracula wouldn't drink her blood!
:'''Dracula''': Dracula wouldn't touch her with Wolfman's teeth!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Billy''': Hey, hey, Grim, Yo' momma is so ugly, I heard your dad met her at a dog show! 
:'''Grim''': Shut up!
:'''Billy''': Ooh, ooh! Yo' momma's so stupid she put lipstick on her head just to make up her mind!
:'''Grim and Mandy''': Shut up!

=== Spidermandy / Be A-Fred, Be Very A-Fred [6.12] ===

:'''Jeff''': Will you be my mommy?
:'''Mandy''': Does a chicken wear underwear?
:'''Jeff''': Hmm... ''[imagines Billy in a chicken suit and underwear]'' Well, I'd have to say...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Grim''': Ah, you're awake, but some most kids who drink half a cup of spider venom don't live to tell about it. But then most kids aren't friends with the Grim Reaper.

== Season 7 ==

=== Everything Breaks / The Show That Dare Not Speak Its Name [7.01] ===
* '''Miss Butterbean''': Billy, is it remotely possible that you have your science project ready?
* '''Billy''': (beholds the Endsville playset) A natural disaster. (carries a meteor toy) GIANT ASTEROID FROM OUTER SPACE! (slams the meteor toy onto the Endsville playset and the meteor toy smashes through a window) I suppose a giant meteor should work.

=== The Secret Snake Club vs. P.E. / King Tooten Pooten [7.02] ===

:'''Billy''': Are there any chocolate cupcakes?
:'''Pud'n''': What happens if I eat the chocolate cupcake? 
:'''Irwin''': Chocolate gives me diarrhea, yo!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Viper''': Shut up!
:'''Wiggly''': You shut up!
:'''Viper''': No, you shut up!
:'''Wiggly''': No, you shut up!
:'''Viper''': No, you shut up!
:'''Wiggly''': No, you shut up!
''[Billy and the boys continue to repeat Wiggly and Viper argument]''
:'''Viper''': Shut up!
:'''Wiggly''': Shut up! Shut up!
:'''Viper''': Shut up! Shut Up!
:'''Wiggly''': No, you shut up!
:'''Viper''': No, you shut up!
:'''Wiggly''': No, you shut up!
:'''Viper''': Shut up! Shut up! I said shut up!
:'''Wiggly''': I said shut up!
:'''Viper''': Oh, you shut up! You shut up!
:'''Wiggly''': All of you, SHUT UP! This oath is over, do you understand?!

=== Billy Gets an &quot;A&quot; / Yeti or Not, Here I Come [7.03] ===

:'''Yeti:''' You know what hatches from this egg?
:'''Billy:''' ''(confused)'' A two-headed grandma?

=== Nergal's Pizza / Hey, Water You Doing? [7.04] ===

=== Company Halt / Anger Mismanagement [7.05] ===
:'''Bunny''': Pat my belly, ''[pauses, Deep hoarse voice]'' PAT MY BELLY!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Billy''': Hey, bear butt! Bet you can't hit me with one of those stupid rubber bands.

:'''Hector''': Bear Butt? Prepare to be destroy, little boy!

''[The big rubber band fire at Billy, he jump away and aim at Skarr's garden instead]''

:'''Skarr''': My garden, MY GLORIOUS GARDEN! I told you to stay away from my garden.

=== Waking Nightmare / Beware the Undertoad [7.06] ===
:'''Exercise Dude''': You! I need your bicycle!
:'''Bicycle Guy''': What? Why?
:'''Exercise Dude''': '''BECAUSE I'M HUNGRY!!'''

=== The Most Greatest Love Story Ever Told Ever / Detention X [7.07] ===

:'''[[w:Nergal Jr.|Nergal Jr.]]''': What's it feel like, being in love, Irwin?&lt;/br&gt;
:'''[[w:Irwin (Billy and Mandy)|Irwin]]''': It's like a beautiful flower inside your chest that's trying to burst out through your ribcage.&lt;/br&gt;
:'''[[w:Billy (Billy and Mandy)|Billy]]''': Like my dad's heartburn!&lt;/br&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:[''Irwin is too nervous to give Mandy the Valentines card he made for her'']&lt;/br&gt;
:'''Nergal Jr.''': Irwin, you HAVE to give Mandy your card. You put your soul into making it! Your blood, Your sweat, Your tears!&lt;/br&gt;
:'''Billy''': ...Your puke!&lt;/br&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Irwin''': ''[After Nergal Jr. gets Mandy to go out with him]'' YOU... STOLE... MY... '''WOMAAAN!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Nergal Jr.''': I've gotta stop making my hand big like that.&lt;/br&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Irwin''': I'm not the cool stud you think I am!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Billy''': SCARY CLOWNS! THEY'LL DESTROY US ALL!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Billy''': What the- Sp-sp-sp-sp-SPIDERS!!!!!!!!!!!! ''[screams]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Stuck in the Detention Dimension with Billy]''
:'''Grim''': This is going to be a ''long'' eternity...

===El Dia de Los Muertos Estupidos / Heartburn===
:'''Mandy''': I thought we are going out for a hamburger. We've been in this car for hours. I get cranky when I get hungry!
:'''Billy''': I get hungry when I'm cranky! We're like twins! ''[burps as Mandy punches the back of the seat where Billy sits causing him to have an airbag on his own face]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Dick''': ''[angrily]'' Irwin!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Dick''': Go give that pacifier back to that baby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Dick''': How would you like it if he stole your mouse head collection?

===[[Codename: Kids Next Door|''Codename: KND'' Crossover]] – [[Codename: Kids Next Door/Season 6#The Grim Adventures of the KND (The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy Crossover)|The Grim Adventures of the Kids Next Door]]===

:''[At Billy's house, a picture of him and his parents is hanging on the wall. Suddenly, an apple plows into it, breaking it.]''
:'''Billy''': Oh! He nailed that one! ''[golfing, using Grim's scythe as the club and apples as the golf balls]'' All Billy needs is one more shot, and he'll win the Continental Breakfast Golf Tournament! ''[takes a hefty swing at the next apple. It sails across the room just as the door opens and his father walks in. The apple nails Harold in the middle of his forehead, knocking him over]''
:'''Billy''': ''[worried]'' Dad! ''[runs over to his dad, a worried look on his face; angrily screaming]'' &lt;big&gt;'''YOU JUST MADE ME LOSE THE TOURNAMENT!!'''&lt;/big&gt; ''[The force of his shouting blows his father across the room. Harold gets up and walks over to his son.]''
:'''Harold''': Look, Billy. I'm going underwear shopping for a couple of hours, so while I'm gone, you'll be the man of the house, and I suggest you ACT like it! ''[grabs Grim's scythe and sticks it in an umbrella stand]''
:'''Billy''': ''[excited]'' Man of the house? Does that mean I get to wear your lucky pants?!
:'''Harold''': No. I'm the one who wears the pants in this family! You just keep an eye on things while I'm gone! ''[exits the house through the front door. Just after exiting, he sticks his head back in]'' '''And keep your FILTHY MITTS OFF MY PANTS!!''' ''[slams the door firmly]''
:'''Billy''': ''[stares straight ahead blankly]'' So... that's a &quot;yes&quot;?
:''[A whirlwind bursts out of a closet and spins to a stop in front of a mirror. It's Billy, wearing a gigantic pair of plaid orange pants. Billy proceeds to jiggle his butt, does the Prisyadka, goes swimming the pants, break-dances, and moonwalks–until he steps on a Sassy Cat doll, at which point he proceeds to stumble backwards, fall through a banister, and drop screaming to the floor. Suddenly, though, he slows to a stop, as his underwear has just been caught by Grim's scythe. Unfortunately, though, the scythe bends and pops out of the umbrella stand, dropping him to the floor, and to add insult to injury, the scythe lands blade down in the middle of his dad's lucky pants. Billy slowly stands up and looks at the scythe, now trapped in the exact middle of the pants, before freaking out.]''
:'''Billy''': Aah, Dad's pants! What do I do? Dad's gonna sell my organs if he finds out I ripped his lucky pants! ''[determined]'' There's only one group of kids who can help me now.
:''[The Eds are in Eddy's garage, over which a sign is hung reading &quot;Ed's Pesky Problem Fixers&quot;. Eddy is behind a desk, Edd (Double Dee) is with a typewriter, and Ed is mopping up some of his own drool. Suddenly, the phone rings.]''
:'''Ed''': Hello!
:'''Eddy''': ''[picking up the phone]'' [[Ed, Edd, n Eddy|Ed, Edd n Eddy]]'s Pesky Problem Fixers! Got a problem that's pesky? We'll fix 'er, for just 1 lousy quarter! ''[Billy muffled gobbling comes from the telephone. Eddy gives it a look.]''
:'''Eddy''': ''[angry]'' '''WHADDYA MEAN, YOU'RE BROKE?!?''' HEY, if you're looking for charity, call ''[[Codename: Kids Next Door|Kids Next Door]]''. They're cheap. ''[angrily hangs up the phone]''

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:''[At Billy's house, the doorbell rings. He steps over and answers the door.]''
:'''Billy''': Oh thank goodness you're here! ''[notices who it is]'' Hey! You're not [[The Powerpuff Girls|Powerpuff Girls]]!
:'''Numbuh 1''': No, we're not. I am Numbuh 1 of the Kids Next Door and these are my teammates. Numbuh 2, Numbuh 3, Numbuh 4, and Numbuh 5. We're here to solve your problem.
:'''Billy''': So you're like elves?
:'''Numbuh 1''': No, we are highly trained operatives skilled in the art of covering things up that get kids grounded. Normally we try to stay away from this town, with all the weird things that happen. But the Kids Next Door never say no to a problem.
:'''Billy''': &lt;big&gt;'''IT'S THESE PANTS!!'''&lt;/big&gt; My dad told me to never ever wear them, but I couldn't resist! ''[lying on the floor, whimpering]'' And now I've broke them.
:'''Numbuh 1''': Nothing the Kids Next Door can't handle. So, first things first, off with the pants! ''[his teammates rush over and try to pull the pants off of Billy]''
:'''Numbuh 5''': Get them!
:'''Numbuh 4''': Hold still!
:''[The 4 are unable to get the pants off, and both they and Billy go flying. Billy's nose comes off and lands on Numbuh 3.]''
:'''Numbuh 5''': Those pants are ''not'' coming off.
:'''Numbuh 2''': Maybe if we take Billy to the Kids Next Door Deep Sea Lab, our scientists could find a way to remove them.

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:''[Billy is standing in the middle of the living room, staring straight ahead.]''
:'''Numbuh 3''': ''[looking at him]'' Wow, great disguise, Numbuh 1! You look exactly like Billy!
:'''Numbuh 1''': ''[offscreen]'' That IS Billy.
:''[The camera pans over to Numbuh 1. He has a saucepan on his head and a tomato on his nose, and he's wearing Billy's clothes.]''
:'''Numbuh 3''': Um, why do you have a tomato stuck to your face?
:'''Numbuh 1''': Because while you guys take Billy back to the lab to get those pants fixed, I'll stay here in disguise. If his dad comes back, I'll keep him away from the closet so he won't know his pants are missing.
:'''Billy''': But what if my dad finds out you're not me?
:'''Numbuh 1''': Don't worry, Billy. I'll never tell anyone where you or those pants are, even if they try torturing me. Now get him out of here! ''[his associates grab Billy and carry him away]'' All right. Phase 1 complete. ''[the doorbell rings]'' Ah. Ahem. ''[acting like Billy and imitating his voice]'' I'll get it! ''[opening the door]'' Hellooo...?
:''[At the door is Mandy who squints at Numbuh 1.]''
:'''Mandy''': Who are you?
:'''Numbuh 1''' ''[in Billy's goofy laughing]'': I'm Billy!
:'''Mandy''': No, you're not. What have you done to him?
:'''Numbuh 1''': I told you I'm– ''[Mandy slaps him on the tomato; in his normal voice]'' Hey! ''[Mandy slaps him again]'' Stop that–! ''[Mandy slaps him again]'' I– ''[Mandy slaps him several times]''
:'''Mandy''': Tell me who you are and what you've done with Billy before I'm through with you.
:'''Numbuh 1''': I'd like to see you try!

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:'''The Delightful Children From Down the Lane''': Finally. With the latest adjustments to Father's Delightfulization Chamber, we'll be able to create even more well-behaved obedient children–like ourselves. And together, we will finally destroy those Kids Next Door! ''[laugh evilly]''
:'''Billy''': Scuse me. Are you in line for the bathroom?
:'''DCFDTL''': Why, no. Go right ahead.
:'''Billy''': &quot;Thank you.&quot; ''[darts into the Delightfulization Chamber]''
:'''The Delightful Children''': You're wel– ''Hey'', that's not a bathroom! Get out of there this instant! ''[tromp into the chamber after Billy]''
:'''Numbuh 4''': Oh crud. What's Billy doing?
:'''Numbuh 5''': ''[cocking her weapon]'' Challenging you for fool of the month. C'mon! ''[The members of Sector V charge out screaming, heading for the Delightfulization Chamber.]''
:'''Billy''': Hey, is this button to flush?
:'''The Delightful Children''': No, don't touch that!

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:'''Grim''': Ooh! Something terrible just happened!
:'''Numbuh 1''': Well, I don't know what happened to you or why you're wearing that dumb Halloween costume, but to tell you the truth, I... don't... ''care! [takes the tomato off and throws it to the ground]'' I'm out of this nuthouse! ''[stalks out the front door]''
:'''Grim''': No! You've got to help me, Billy! Horrible children have fused with me scythe. I can feel it! They're evil and strangely... delightful.

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:'''Numbuh 5''': Is everyone okay?
:'''Delightful Children''': Yes! I can feel the power going through me! I can feel the–
:'''Billy''': ''Hey!'' Can you slow down? This talking at the same time is really hard.
:'''Numbuh 3''': Ooh, ooh! I want to try talking at the same time too!
:'''Billy and the Delightful Childen''': That can be arranged, for you can be first to be assimilated by... THE DELIGHTFUL REAPER!
:'''Numbuh 3''': Wait, start over! I wasn't ready!
:'''Numbuh 5''': Come on back to the ship! ''[the Delightful Reaper assimilated Numbuh 2] NUMBUH 2!!''
:'''The Delightful Reaper''': He's only the first one to be assimilated by us. ''[Numbuh 2 joined the Delightful Reaper]'' Soon all children will assimilate!

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:'''Irwin''': Dude! You're late for the party, yo!
:'''Delightful Reaper''': You shall assimilate!
:'''Billy''': WAAAIIIT!! Can't we have some cake before we assimilactate?
:'''Delightful Reaper''': ''[to Billy] '''NO!'''''

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:'''Rainbow Monkey Girls''': &quot;Rainbow Monkeys!&quot;
:'''Mindy and friends''': &quot;Sassy Cat!&quot;
:'''Rainbow Monkey Girls''': &quot;Rainbow Monkeys!&quot;
:'''Mindy and friends''': &quot;Sassy Cat!&quot;
:'''Delightful Reaper''': &quot;Assimilate!&quot;
:'''Mindy, her friends, Rainbow Monkey Girls''': Assimilate! ''[realizing what they just said, the girls start to mumble confusedly. Suddenly, the Delightful Reaper rises up behind them. They, along with the rest of the playground, try to run away, only to get cut down by the cold iron blade of the Delightful Reaper]''
:'''Delightful Reaper''': ASSIMILATE!

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:'''Numbuh 3''': Hey, look! It's Billy!
:'''Numbuh 1''': DON'T be rediculus, Numbuh 3. ''[to Mandy]'' And what've you done to our Moonbase, Mandy? OWW!
:'''Numbuh 60''': ''DO NOT'' speak to her mandyness without prior written permisson.
:'''Mandy''': It's ok Mandy Numbuh 60, now leave us.
:'''Grim''': What are you up to this time, girl?
:'''Mandy''': My destiny! These dumb kids have the means to conquer the world for centuries, but instead spent their time fighting over the right to eat cookies for dinner, but now that I'm in charge, WE'RE HAVING WORLD DOMINATION FOR DINNER... with the side of rice.
:'''Numbuh 1''': You'll never get away with it!
:'''Mandy''': And whose gonna stop me? Grim is powerless with out his scythe, and everyone still thinks you're that idiot Billy.
:'''Grim''': YOU'RE not really Billy?
:'''Mandy''': Silence! Take them away!

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:'''Numbuh 1''': Well, isn't this just the perfect sunday! First I'm stuck impersonating some half-wit kid, then a maniacal girl takes over the Kids Next Door and now I'm locked in a cell with some guy in a halloween costume!
:'''Grim''': It's not a costume! I am the grim reaper, and YOU ahve NO idea of the power I possess.
:'''Numbuh 1''': Oh, yeah? Then why don't you use your &quot;power&quot; to open that door an get us out of here?
:''[Grim shrugs as the door opens on its own]''
:'''Numbuh 5''': Numbuh 1, am I glad to see you. Everybody's gone crazy around here. ''[points to Grim]'' And what happened to that guy? Don't they feed prisoners around here anymore?
:'''Numbuh 1''': Never mind him, let's go.
:'''Grim''': Wait! Take me with you! I can help!
:'''Numbuh 5''': With what, a crash diet plan?
:'''Numbuh 1''': Hold on. Why would YOU help us?
:'''Grim''': Because I'm sick of everyone and their aunt-Trixie always taking me scythe! And together, using the Bone of Barnacles, we can fight the Delightful Children and Mandy. I'll get me scythe and you'll get your friends back.
:'''Numbuh 5: Forget that fool, let's go.
:'''Numbuh 1''': No. Right now we need all the help we can get. You go find Numbuh 362, Abby. Grim and I will take care of everything planetside.
:'''Numbuh 5''': Well, you'll be needing THESE then. ''[hands Numbuh 1 his shades which she had secretly been hiding after Mandy left with Numbuhs 3 and 4]''
:'''Numbuh 1''': Right So let's do this.
:'''Grim''': Sunglasses? Are you going to a fight or a fashion show?
:'''Numbuh 1''': Just get on with it!
:'''Grim''': ''[while grumbling under his breath]'' If you say so. ''[laughs]''

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:'''Delightful Reaper''': Assimilate! Assimilate!
:'''Billy''': ''[singing] Na na na na na na na na na! [The reaper stops and stands still, confused.] La la la la la la la la la!''
:'''Delightful Reaper''': ''[annoyed]'' &quot;Would you stop that!?! Ugh! I wish I had never assimilated you in the first place!&quot;

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:'''Computer Voice''': Mandy New Dictator, ''M.A.N.D.R.O.B.O.T.'' - '''M'''onkeys '''&lt;big&gt;a&lt;/big&gt;'''nd '''N'''ice '''D'''oggies '''&lt;big&gt;r&lt;/big&gt;'''elax '''&lt;big&gt;o&lt;/big&gt;'''n '''B'''odies '''&lt;big&gt;o&lt;/big&gt;'''f '''T'''urtles.
:'''Mandy''': What kind of acronym is THAT?
:'''Numbuh 3''': ''[testy]'' Well, if you weren't in such a rush, maybe I could've come up with a better one!
:'''Billy''': Hiya, Mandy! Did you come to assimimamamamalaminate... or whatever it is we're doing?
:Mandy/M.A.N.D.R.O.B.O.T.''': No, Billy. You're in the way of my world domination. So I'm taking you down.
:'''Billy''': Oh. Okay.
:'''Delightful Reaper''': Then let's fight!

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:'''Billy''': ''[spotting something on a roof]'' Ooh! ''[The Delightful Reaper picks it up.]'' A bacon sandwich! Is anyone gonna eat this? ''[eats it happily as the rest of the assimilated look at him angrily. Only then does he notice the bone barrage]'' Hey! Who's shooting bones at my butt?
:'''Numbuh 1''': Our attacks aren't working!
:'''Grim''': It's those pants! I know those pants. ''[has a flashback where he is sitting on the couch next to Harold wearing the lucky pants]''
:'''Harold''': Yep, this are my lucky pants alright! I wore these babies the night I engaged with Gladys.
:'''Grim''': You called THAT lucky?
:'''Harold''': Heck, no! They're lucky because they're immune to lasers, supernatural powers and mustards.

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:'''Mandy Reaper''': That's right! You puny KND are nothing compared to what I've become!
:'''Harold''': Hey, you! ''[at the base of the Mandy Reaper, decked out in wrestling gear]'' Give me back my lucky pants! Give... them... BAAAAAAACCCCKKKKK!!! ''[foaming at the mouth]'' '''&lt;big&gt;AY-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YA!!!&lt;/big&gt;'''

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:'''Harold''': '''''I WEAR MY PANTS AROUND HERE! ME! ME, ME, ME! MY PANTS! ME, ME, ME, ME!'''''
:''[Behind Harold, the Mandy Reaper lies in a huge hole and groans. Shortly thereafter, kids begin to pop out of it in spurts. After the spurts become a flood, a scythe falls out and flies through the air, into the capable hands of the Skeleton Samurai.]''
:'''Grim''': Finally! Me scythe!

==Film==
===[[w:Billy &amp; Mandy's Big Boogey Adventure|Billy &amp; Mandy's Big Boogey Adventure]]===
:'''Grim''': Hey, we got to this far. Not bad for a weenie, a dope and a useless bag of bones with no powers. You figure out the rest.
:'''Billy''': Am I the weenie or the bag of bones?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Grim''': Love makes people do all sorts of stupid things.
:'''Billy''': I love everything!
:'''Grim''': That explains a lot.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Billy''': Is Grim gonna be OK?
:'''Mandy''': He'll be fine. He's going through the seven stages of grief. Shock.
:'''Grim''': How could this happen?
:'''Mandy''': Denial.
:'''Grim''': It's a mistake. No way this can happen.
:'''Mandy''': Bargaining.
:'''Grim''': It's OK, it's OK, maybe I can fix it.
:'''Mandy''': Fear.
:'''Grim''': There's no way I can fix it!
:'''Mandy''': Anger.
:'''Grim''': I'm gonna pull Boogie's nose off and put it in a jar!
:'''Mandy''': Despair.
:'''Grim''': And when I'm done with Boogie, I'm coming for you little pukes!
:'''Mandy''': He's stuck on anger.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Fred Fredburger''': Uh... we, the jury, find the defendant... uh... innocent!
:'''Pale Ghoulish Juror''': You idiot! That says guilty!
:'''Fred Fredburger''': Guilty! Yes.

==Voice Cast==
:[[w:Richard Steven Horvitz|Richard Steven Horvitz]] - Billy, Harold (Billy's dad), Billy-bot, and Saliva
:[[w:Grey DeLisle|Grey DeLisle]] - Mandy, Milkshake, Aunt Sis, Major Dr. Ghastly, and Betty Rubble
:[[w:Greg Eagles|Greg Eagles]] - Grim Reaper and Sperg
:[[w:Vanessa Marshall|Vanessa Marshall]] - Irwin and Clarie (Mandy's mom)
:[[w:Rachael MacFarlane|Rachael MacFarlane]] - Mindy and Eris
:[[w:Jennifer Hale|Jennifer Hale]] - Gladys (Billy's mom)
:[[w:Jane Carr|Jane Carr]] - Pud'n
:[[w:Debi Derryberry|Debi Derryberry]] - Nergal Jr.
:[[w:Diedrich Bader|Diedrich Bader]] - Hoss Delgado and Floss Delgado
:[[w:Armin Shimerman|Armin Shimerman]] - General Skarr
:[[w:Kari Wahlgren|Kari Wahlgren]] - Velma the Spider Queen

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy, The}}
[[Category:2000s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American black comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:American animated TV spin-offs]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated horror TV shows]]
[[Category:Elementary school TV shows]]
[[Category:Horror comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Cartoon Network original series]]
[[Category:Cartoon Network Studios]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about children]]</text>
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      <text bytes="16489" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Henry St John, 1st Viscount Bolingbroke (1678-1751).jpg |thumb|It is the [[modest]], not the [[presumptuous]], inquirer who makes a [[real]] and [[safe]] [[progress]] in the [[discovery]] of [[divine]] [[truths]].]]
[[File:1stViscountBolingbroke.jpg|thumb|[[Truth]] lies within a little and certain compass, but [[error]] is immense.]]
'''[[w:Henry St John, 1st Viscount Bolingbroke|Henry St John, 1st Viscount Bolingbroke]]''' ([[September 16]], [[1678]] – [[December 12]], [[1751]]) was an English statesman and philosopher.

== Quotes ==
*You may observe yourself...what a difference there is between the true strength of this nation and the fictitious one of the [[Whigs (British political party)|Whigs]]. How much time, how many lucky incidents, how many strains of power, how much money must go to create a majority of the latter; on the other hand, take but off the opinion that the Crown is another way inclined, the church interest rises with redoubled force, and by its natural genuine strength.
**Letter to Mr. Drummond (10 November 1710), quoted in Gilbert Parke, ''Letters and Correspondence, Public and Private, of The Right Honourable Henry St. John, Lord Visc. Bolingbroke; during the Time he was Secretary of State to Queen Anne; with State Papers, Explanatory Notes, and a Translation of the Foreign Letters, &amp;c.: Vol. I'' (1798), pp. 16–17

* '''Truth lies within a little and certain compass, but error is immense.'''
** ''Reflections upon Exile'' (1716)

*The manners of our fore-fathers were, I believe, in many respects better: they had more probity perhaps, they had certainly more show of honour, and greater industry.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 18

*One party [the [[Whigs (British political party)|Whigs]]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt; had given their whole attention, during several years, to the project of enriching themselves, and impoverishing the rest of the nation; and, by these and other means, of establishing their dominion under the government and with the favour of a family, who were foreigners, and therefore might believe, that they were established on the throne by the good will and strength of this party alone. This party in general were so intent on these views, and many of them, I fear, are so still, that they did not advert in time to the necessary consequences of the measures they abetted: nor did they confider, that the power they raised, and by which they hoped to govern their country, would govern them with the very rod of iron they forged, and would be the power of a prince or minister, not that of a party long.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 20-21

*Another party [the [[w:Tories (British political party)|Tories]]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt; continued sour, sullen, and inactive, with judgments so weak, and passions so strong, that even experience, and a severe one surely, was lost upon them. They waited, like the ''Jews'', for a ''Messiah'', that may never come; and under whom, if he did come, they would be strangely disappointed in their expectations of glory and triumph, and universal dominion. Whilst they waited, they were marked out like the ''Jews'', a distinct race, hewers of wood and drawers of water, scarce members of the community, tho born in the country.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 21-22

*The service of our country is no chimerical, but a real duty. He who admits the proofs of any other moral duty, drawn from the constitution of human nature, or from the moral fitness and unfitness of things, must admit them in favour of this duty, or be reduced to the most absurd inconsistency.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 27-28

*To what higher station, to what greater glory can any mortal aspire, than to be, during the whole course of his life, the support of good, the controul of bad government, and the guardian of public liberty? 
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 29

*Neither [[Michel de Montaigne|Montaigne]] in writing his essays, nor [[René Descartes|DesCartes]] in building new worlds, nor [[Thomas Burnet|Burnet]] in framing an antedeluvian earth, no nor [[Isaac Newton|Newton]] in discovering and establishing the true laws of nature on experiment and a sublimer geometry, felt more intellectual joys; than he feels who is a ''real patriot'', who bends all the force of his understanding, and directs all his thoughts and actions, to the good of his country.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 31

*My Lord, I have insisted the more on this duty which men owe to their country, because I came out of ''England'', and continue still, strongly affected with what I saw when I was there. Our government has approached, nearer than ever before, to the true principles of it, since the [[Glorious Revolution|revolution of one thousand six hundred and eighty eight]]: and the accession of the [[w:House of Hanover|present family]] to the throne, has given the fairest opportunities, as well as the justest reasons, for compleating the scheme of liberty, and improving it to perfection. 
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 36-37

*[N]o human institution can arrive at perfection, and the most that human wisdom can do, is to procure the same or greater good, at the expence of less evil.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 45

*There have been periods when our government continued free, with strong appearances of becoming absolute. Let it be your glory, my Lord, and that of the new generation springing up with you, that this government do not become absolute at any future period, with the appearances of being free.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 46

* We are born too late to see the beginning, and we did too soon to see the end of many things.
** ''On the Study and Use of History''

* I have read somewhere or other, — in [[w:Dionysius of Halicarnassus|Dionysius of Halicarnassus]], I think, — that history is philosophy teaching by examples.
** ''On the Study and Use of History'', letter 2; in fact this relates to a third-century AD treatise on rhetoric, wrongly attributed to Dionysius of Halicarnassus, which says (xi. 2): &quot;The contact with manners then is education; and this Thucydides appears to assert when he says history is philosophy learned from examples&quot;. The line is not found in Thucydides.

* Nations, like men, have their infancy.
** ''On the Study and Use of History'', letter 4 (1752)

* They ([[w:Thucydides|Thucydides]] and [[w:Xenophon|Xenophon]]) maintained the dignity of history.
** ''On the Study and Use of History'', letter 5 (1752); compare [[Henry Fielding]], ''Tom Jones'', book xi. chap. ii.; [[Horace Walpole]], ''Advertisement to Letter to Sir Horace Mann''; [[Thomas Babington Macaulay, 1st Baron Macaulay|Thomas Babington Macaulay]], ''History of England'', vol. i. chap. i.

* The landed men are the true owners of our political vessel, the moneyed men are no more than passengers in it.
** ''Some Reflections on the Present State of the Nation'' (1753)

* The second proposition admits and encourages the very practice we censure so justly, for which the saint [ [[Augustine of Hippo]] ] was so famous, and by which he contributed so much to promote contentions in his own days, and to perpetuate them to ours. The practice of deducing doctrines from the scriptures that are not evidently contained in them... Who does not see that the direct tendency of this practice is exactly the same as the event has proved it to be? It composes and propagates a religion, seemingly under the authority of God, but really under that of man. The principles of [[revelation]] are lost in [[theology]], or disfigured by it: and whilst some men are impudent enough to pretend, others are silly enough to believe, that they adhere to the [[gospel]], and maintain the cause of God against infidels and heretics, when they do nothing better, nor more, than espouse the conceits of men, whom enthusiasm, or the ambition of forming sects, or of making a great figure in them, has inspired. If you ask now what the practice of the [[w:Church Fathers|christian fathers]], and of other divines, should have been, in order to preserve the purity of faith, and to promote peace and charity, the answer is obvious... They should have adhered to the word of God: they should have paid no regard to [[w:Ancient Greek philosophy|heathen philosophy]], [[Judaism|jewish]] [[w:Kabbalah|cabala]], the sallies of enthusiasm, or the refinements of human ingenuity: they should have embraced, and held fast the articles of faith and doctrine, that were delivered in plain terms, or in unequivocal figures: they should not have been [[w:Dogma|dogmatical]] where the sense was doubtful, nor have presumed even to guess where the [[w:Holy Spirit (Christianity)|Holy Ghost]] left the veil of mystery undrawn.
** [http://books.google.com/books?id=E6ATAAAAQAAJ ''Lord Bolingbroke's Philosophical Works''] (1754) Vol.III, Essay IV, Sect XVI

* It is the modest, not the presumptuous, inquirer who makes a real and safe progress in the discovery of divine truths. One follows Nature and Nature's God; that is, he follows God in his works and in his word.
** Letter to [[Alexander Pope]]; compare: &quot;Slave to no sect, who takes no private road, But looks through Nature up to Nature’s God&quot;, [[Alexander Pope]], ''Essay on Man'', epistle iv. line 331.

* The shortest and surest way of arriving at real knowledge is to unlearn the lessons we have been taught, to mount the first principles, and take nobody's word about them.
** As quoted in ''Treasury of Wisdom, Wit and Humor, Odd Comparisons and Proverbs'' (1891) by Adam Woolever

==Quotes about Bolingbroke==
*Who now reads Bolingbroke? Who ever read him through? ... I do not often quote Bolingbroke, nor have his works in general, left any permanent impression on my mind. He is a presumptuousness and a superficial writer. But he has one observation, which in my opinion, is not without depth and solidity. He says, that he prefers a monarchy to other governments; because you can better ingraft any description of republic on a monarchy than any thing of monarchy upon the republican forms. I think him perfectly in the right. 
**[[Edmund Burke]], ''[[Reflections on the Revolution in France]]'' (1790), pp. 133, 187

*He engaged young, and distinguished himself in business; and his penetration was almost intuition. I am old enough to have heard him speak in parliament. And I remember that, though prejudiced against him by party, I felt all the force and charms of his eloquence. Like Belial in [[John Milton|Milton]], “he made the worse appear the better cause.” All the internal and external advantages and talents of an orator are undoubtedly his. Figure, voice, elocution, knowledge, and, above all, the purest and most florid diction, with the justest metaphors and happiest images, had raised him to the post of Secretary at War, at four-and-twenty years old, an age at which others are hardly thought fit for the smallest employments. 
**[[Philip Stanhope, 4th Earl of Chesterfield|Earl of Chesterfield]] to his son (12 December 1749) quoted in ''Letters Written By The Late Right Honourable Philip Dormer Stanhope, Earl Of Chesterfield, To His Son, Philip Stanhope, Esq. Late Envoy-Extraordinary At The Court Of Dresden: Together with Several Other Pieces On Various Subjects: In Four Volumes, Volume II'' (1792), p. 292

*Lord Bolingbroke, one of the ablest men who ever lived, was a firm and uncompromising Tory, and he advocated triennial Parliaments. He said that without this there was no security for the people, no integrity for the constitution.
**[[Benjamin Disraeli]], speech in High Wycombe (27 November 1832), quoted in  ''Selected Speeches of the late Right Honourable the Earl of Beaconsfield: Volume II'', ed. T. E. Kebbel (1882), p. 7

*He was called indeed a tory; but his writings prove him a stronger advocate for liberty than any of his countrymen, the whigs of the present day. Irritated by his exile, he committed one act unworthy of him, in connecting himself momentarily with a prince rejected by his country. But he redeemed that single act by his establishment of the principles which proved it to be wrong. ... Lord Bolingbroke's...is a style of the highest order. The lofty, rhythmical, full-flowing eloquence of [[Cicero]]. Periods of just measure, their members proportioned, their close full and round. His conceptions, too, are bold and strong, his diction copious, polished and commanding as his subject. His writings are certainly the finest samples in the English language, of the eloquence proper for the Senate. His political tracts are safe reading for the most timid religionist, his philosophical, for those who are not afraid to trust their reason with discussions of right and wrong. 
**[[Thomas Jefferson]] to Francis Eppes (19 January 1821), quoted in Thomas Jefferson, ''Writings'', ed. Merrill D. Peterson (1984), p. 1451

*I think Mr. secretary St. John the greatest young man I ever knew: wit, capacity, beauty, quickness of apprehension, good learning, and an excellent taste; the best orator in the house of commons, admirable conversation, good nature, and good manners; generous, and a despiser of money. His only fault is, talking to his friends in way of complaint of too great load of business, which looks a little like affectation; and he endeavours too much to mix the fine gentleman, and the man of pleasure, with the man of business. What truth and sincerity he may have, I know not.
**[[Jonathan Swift]], Letter XXXIII (23 October 1711), ''[[w:A Journal to Stella|A Journal to Stella]]'', quoted in ''The Works of Jonathan Swift, containing additional letters, tracts, and poems, with notes, and a life of the author, by W. Scott, Volume II'' (1824), pp. 405–406

*[T]he accomplishments of his mind, which was adorned with the choicest gifts that God has yet thought fit to bestow upon the children of men; a strong memory, a clear judgment, a vast range of wit and fancy, a thorough comprehension, an invincible eloquence, with a most agreeable elocution.
**[[Jonathan Swift]], ''An Inquiry into the Behaviour of the Queen's last Ministry, &amp;c.'' (June 1715), quoted ''The Works of the Rev. Jonathan Swift, Volume 4'', ed. Thomas Sheridan (1801), in p. 310

== External links==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
* [http://www.eighteenthcenturypoetry.org/authors/pers00082.shtml Henry St John, 1st Viscount Bolingbroke at the Eighteenth-Century Poetry Archive (ECPA)]
* {{Gutenberg author |id=Bolingbroke,+Henry+St.+John,+Viscount}}
* [http://www.berkshirehistory.com/bios/hstjohn_vbol.html Royal Berkshire History: Henry St John, Viscount Bolingbroke]
{{Social and political philosophers}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Bolingbroke, Henry Saint John, 1st Viscount}}
[[Category:Academics from the United Kingdom]]
[[Category:Philosophers from England]]
[[Category:1678 births]]
[[Category:1751 deaths]]
[[Category:People from London]]
[[Category:Tory (British political party) politicians]]
[[Category:Critics of religion]]</text>
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      <text bytes="33275" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Henry St John, 1st Viscount Bolingbroke (1678-1751).jpg |thumb|It is the [[modest]], not the [[presumptuous]], inquirer who makes a [[real]] and [[safe]] [[progress]] in the [[discovery]] of [[divine]] [[truths]].]]
[[File:1stViscountBolingbroke.jpg|thumb|[[Truth]] lies within a little and certain compass, but [[error]] is immense.]]
'''[[w:Henry St John, 1st Viscount Bolingbroke|Henry St John, 1st Viscount Bolingbroke]]''' ([[September 16]], [[1678]] – [[December 12]], [[1751]]) was an English statesman and philosopher.

== Quotes ==
*You may observe yourself...what a difference there is between the true strength of this nation and the fictitious one of the [[Whigs (British political party)|Whigs]]. How much time, how many lucky incidents, how many strains of power, how much money must go to create a majority of the latter; on the other hand, take but off the opinion that the Crown is another way inclined, the church interest rises with redoubled force, and by its natural genuine strength.
**Letter to Mr. Drummond (10 November 1710), quoted in Gilbert Parke, ''Letters and Correspondence, Public and Private, of The Right Honourable Henry St. John, Lord Visc. Bolingbroke; during the Time he was Secretary of State to Queen Anne; with State Papers, Explanatory Notes, and a Translation of the Foreign Letters, &amp;c.: Vol. I'' (1798), pp. 16–17

* '''Truth lies within a little and certain compass, but error is immense.'''
** ''Reflections upon Exile'' (1716)

*The manners of our fore-fathers were, I believe, in many respects better: they had more probity perhaps, they had certainly more show of honour, and greater industry.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 18

*One party [the [[Whigs (British political party)|Whigs]]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt; had given their whole attention, during several years, to the project of enriching themselves, and impoverishing the rest of the nation; and, by these and other means, of establishing their dominion under the government and with the favour of a family, who were foreigners, and therefore might believe, that they were established on the throne by the good will and strength of this party alone. This party in general were so intent on these views, and many of them, I fear, are so still, that they did not advert in time to the necessary consequences of the measures they abetted: nor did they confider, that the power they raised, and by which they hoped to govern their country, would govern them with the very rod of iron they forged, and would be the power of a prince or minister, not that of a party long.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 20-21

*Another party [the [[w:Tories (British political party)|Tories]]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt; continued sour, sullen, and inactive, with judgments so weak, and passions so strong, that even experience, and a severe one surely, was lost upon them. They waited, like the ''Jews'', for a ''Messiah'', that may never come; and under whom, if he did come, they would be strangely disappointed in their expectations of glory and triumph, and universal dominion. Whilst they waited, they were marked out like the ''Jews'', a distinct race, hewers of wood and drawers of water, scarce members of the community, tho born in the country.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 21-22

*The service of our country is no chimerical, but a real duty. He who admits the proofs of any other moral duty, drawn from the constitution of human nature, or from the moral fitness and unfitness of things, must admit them in favour of this duty, or be reduced to the most absurd inconsistency.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 27-28

*To what higher station, to what greater glory can any mortal aspire, than to be, during the whole course of his life, the support of good, the controul of bad government, and the guardian of public liberty? 
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 29

*Neither [[Michel de Montaigne|Montaigne]] in writing his essays, nor [[René Descartes|DesCartes]] in building new worlds, nor [[Thomas Burnet|Burnet]] in framing an antedeluvian earth, no nor [[Isaac Newton|Newton]] in discovering and establishing the true laws of nature on experiment and a sublimer geometry, felt more intellectual joys; than he feels who is a ''real patriot'', who bends all the force of his understanding, and directs all his thoughts and actions, to the good of his country.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 31

*[[w:Henry Hyde, Viscount Cornbury|My Lord]], I have insisted the more on this duty which men owe to their country, because I came out of ''England'', and continue still, strongly affected with what I saw when I was there. Our government has approached, nearer than ever before, to the true principles of it, since the [[Glorious Revolution|revolution of one thousand six hundred and eighty eight]]: and the accession of the [[w:House of Hanover|present family]] to the throne, has given the fairest opportunities, as well as the justest reasons, for compleating the scheme of liberty, and improving it to perfection. 
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 36-37

*[N]o human institution can arrive at perfection, and the most that human wisdom can do, is to procure the same or greater good, at the expence of less evil.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 45

*There have been periods when our government continued free, with strong appearances of becoming absolute. Let it be your glory, my Lord, and that of the new generation springing up with you, that this government do not become absolute at any future period, with the appearances of being free.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 46

*I think , and every wise and honest man in generations yet unborn will think, if the history of [thi]s administration descends to blacken our annals, that the greatest iniquity of the minister &lt;nowiki&gt;[&lt;/nowiki&gt;[[Robert Walpole]]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt;, on whom the whole iniquity ought to be charged, since he has been so long in possession of the whole power, is the constant endeavour he has employed to corrupt the ''morals'' of ''men''.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 68-69

*The minister &lt;nowiki&gt;[&lt;/nowiki&gt;[[Robert Walpole]]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt; preaches corruption aloud and constantly, like an impudent missionary of vice.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 72

*It seems to me, upon the whole matter, that to save or redeem a nation under such circumstances from perdition, nothing less is necessary than some great, some extraordinary conjuncture of ill fortune, or of good , which may ''purge'', yet ''so as by fire''. Distress from abroad, bankruptcy at home, and other circumstances of like nature and tendency, may beget universal confusion. Out of confusion order may arise: but it may be the order of a wicked tyranny, instead of the order of a just monarchy. Either may happen: and such an alternative, at the disposition of fortune, is sufficient to make a [[w:Stoic|stoic]] tremble! We may be saved indeed by means of a very different kind; but these means will not offer themselves, this way of salvation will not be opened to us, without the concurrence, and the influence of a P&lt;small&gt;ATRIOT&lt;/small&gt; K&lt;small&gt;ING&lt;/small&gt;, the most uncommon of all phænomena in the physical or moral world. Nothing can so surely and so effectually restore the virtue and public spirit, essential to the preservation of liberty, and national prosperity, as the reign of ſuch a prince.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 72-73

*I esteem monarchy above any other form of government, and hereditary monarchy above elective. I reverence kings, their office, their rights, their persons; and it will never be owing to the ''principles'' I am going to establish, because the character and government of a ''patriot king'' can be eatabliahed on no other, if their ''office'' and their ''right'' are not always held ''divine'', and their persons always ''sacred''.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 83-84

*The obligation of submission to both, is discoverable by so clear and so simple an use of our intellectual faculties, that it may be ſaid properly enough to be ''revealed to us by God''; and tho ''both'' these laws cannot be said properly to be given by Him, yet our obligation to ſubmit to the ''civil'' law is a principal paragraph in the ''natural'' law, which he has most manifestly given us. 
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 84-85

*It follows, therefore, that he who breaks the ''laws of his country'' resists the ''ordinance of God'', that is, the law of his nature. God has instituted neither monarchy, nor aristocracy, nor democracy, nor mixed government: but tho God has instituted no particular form of government among men, yet by the general laws of his kingdom, he exacts our obedience to the laws of those communities to which each of us is attached by birth, or to which we may be attached by a subsequent and lawful engagement.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 85-86

*Nothing can be more absurd, in pure ''speculation'', than an hereditary right in any mortal to govern other men: and yet, in ''practice'', nothing can be more absurd than to have a king to choose at every vacancy of a throne. We draw at a ''lottery'' indeed in one case, where there are many chances to lose, and few to gain. But have we much more advantage of this kind in the other? I think not. Upon these , and upon most occasions, the multitude would do at leaſt as well to trust to chance as choice, and to their fortune as to their judgment.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 89-90

*To conclude this head therefore, as I think a ''limited monarchy'' the best of governments, so I think an ''hereditary monarchy'' the best of monarchies. I said a ''limited monarchy''; for an ''unlimited monarchy'', wherein arbitrary will, which is in truth no rule, is however the sole rule, or stands instead of all rule of government, is so great an absurdity, both in reason informed or uninformed by experience, that it seems a government fitter for savages than for civilized people.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 91-92

*Among many reasons which determine me to prefer ''monarchy'' to every form of government, this is a principal one. When monarchy is the essential form, it may be more easily and more usefully ''tempered'' with ''aristocracy'' or ''democracy'', or both, than either of them, when they are the essential forms, can be ''tempered'' with ''monarchy''. It seems to me, that the introduction of a real permanent monarchical power, or any thing more than the pageantry of it, into either of these, must destroy them and extinguish them, as a great light extinguishes a less. Where it may easily be shewn, and the true form of our government will demonſtrate,
without ſeeking any other example , that very considerable ''aristocratical'' and ''democratical powers'' may be grafted on a ''monarchical stock'', without diminishing the lustre, or restraining the power and authority of the prince, enough to alter in any degree the essential form.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 92-93

*There must be an absolute, unlimited, and uncontroulable power lodged ''somewhere'' in every government; but to constitute monarchy, or the government of a single person, it is not necessary that this power should be lodged in the monarch ''alone''. 
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 93

*There are ''limitations'' indeed that would destroy the ''essential form'' of monarchy: or, in other words, a monarchical constitution may be changed, under pretence of limiting the monarch. This happened among us in the last century, when the vilest usurpation, and the most infamous tyranny, were established over our nation, by some of the worst and some of the meanest men in it. I will not day, that the ''essential form'' of monarchy should be preserved, tho the preservation of it were to cause the loss of ''liberty''. ''Salus reipsuprema lex esto'', is a fundamental law: and sure I am, the ''safety'' of a commonwealth is ill provided for, if the ''liberty'' be given up. But this I presume to say, and can demonstrate, that ''all'' the limitations necessary to preserve liberty, as long as the ''spirit'' of it subsists, and longer than that, no limitations of monarchy, nor any other form of government, can preserve it, are ''compatible'' with monarchy.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 96

*My aim is to fix this principle, that ''limitations'' on a crown ought to be carried ''as far'' as it is necessary to secure the liberties of a people; and that all ''such limitations'' may subsist, without weakening or endangering monarchy.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 97

*As soon as corruption ceases to be an expedient of government, and it will cease to be such as soon as a patriot king is raised to the throne, the ''panacea'' is applied: the spirit of the constitution revives of course; and as fast as it revives, the orders and forms of the constitution are restored to their primitive integrity, and become what they were intended to be; ''real barriers'' against arbitrary power, not ''blinds'' nor ''masks'' under which tyranny may lie concealed. Depravation of manners exposed the constitution to ruin; reformation will secure it.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 134

*A patriot king is the most powerful of all reformers; for he is himſelf a sort of standing miracle, so rarely seen and so little understood, that the sure effects of his appearance will be admiration and love in every honest breast, confusion and terror to every guilty conscience, but submission and resignation in all. A new people will seem to arise with a new king. In numerable metamorphoses, like those which poets feign, will happen in very deed: and while men are conscious that they are the same individuals, the difference of their sentiments will almost persuade them that they are changed into different beings.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 135

*By the principles of the [[Glorious Revolution|Revolution]], a subject may resist, no doubt, the prince who endeavours to ruin and enslave his people, and may push this resistance to the dethronement and exclusion of him and his race: but will it follow, that, because we may justly take arms against a prince whose right to govern we once acknowledged, and who by subsequent acts has forfeited that right, we may swear to a right we do not acknowledge, and resist a prince whose conduct has not forfeited the right we swore to, nor given any just dispensation from our oaths?
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 171

*The situation of ''Great Britain'', the character of her people, and the nature of her government fit her for trade and commerce. Her climate and her soil make them necessary to her well being. By trade and commerce we grew a rich and powerful nation, and by their decay we are growing poor and impotent. As trade and commerce enrich, so they fortify our country. The sea is our barrier, ships are our fortresses, and the mariners, that trade and commerce alone can furnish, are the garrisons to defend them.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 184-185

*The ''French'' may improve their natural wealth and power by the improvement of trade and commerce. We can have no wealth, nor power by consequence, as ''Europe'' is now constituted, without the improvement of them, nor in any degree but proportionably to this improvement.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 186

*The result of what has been said is, ''in general'', that the wealth and power of all nations depending so much on their trade and commerce, and every nation being...in ſuch different circumstances of advantage or disadvantage in the pursuit of this common interest; a good government, and therefore the government of a patriot king , will be directed constantly to make the most of every advantage that nature has given, or art can procure towards the improvement of trade and commerce. And this is one of the principal criterions, by which we are to judge whether governors are in the true interest of the people, or not.&lt;br&gt;It results, ''in particular'', that ''Great Britain'' might improve her wealth and power in a proportion superior to that of any nation who can be deemed her rival, if the advantages she has were as wisely cultivated, as they will be in the reign of a patriot king.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 186-187

*A patriot king will neither neglect, nor sacrifice his country's interest. No other interest, neither a foreign nor a domestic, neither a public nor a private, will influence his conduct in government... To give ease and encouragement to manufactory at home, to assist and protect trade abroad, to improve and keep in heart the national colonies, like so many farms of the mother-country, will be principal and constant parts of the attention of such a prince.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 190-191

*By a continual attention to improve her natural, that is her maritime strength, by collecting all her forces with in herself, and reserving them to be laid out on great occasions, such as regard her immediate interests and her honour, or such as are truly important to the general system of power in ''Europe''; she may be the ''arbitrator'' of ''differences'', the ''guardian'' of ''liberty'', and the ''preserver'' of that ''[[w:Balance of power (international relations)|Balance]]'', which has been so much talked of, and is so little underſtood.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 193-194

*Like other amphibious animals, we must come occasionally on shore: but the water is more properly our element, and in it, like them, as we find our greatest security, so we exert our greatest force.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 195

*In his place, concord will appear, brooding peace and proſperity on the happy land; joy fitting in every face, content in every heart; a people unoppressed, undisturbed, unalarmed; busy to improve their private property and the public stock; fleets covering the ocean; bringing home wealth by the returns of industry; carrying assistance or terror abroad by the direction of wisdom; and asserting triumphantly the right and the honour of ''Great Britain'', as far as waters roll and as winds can waft them.&lt;br&gt;Those who live to see such happy days, and to act in so glorious a scene, will perhaps call to mind with some tenderness of sentiment, when he is no more, a ''man'', who contributed his mite to carry on so good a work, and who desired life for nothing so much, as to see a king of ''Great Britain'' the most popular man in his country, and a ''patriot king'' at the head of an united people.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 225-226

* We are born too late to see the beginning, and we did too soon to see the end of many things.
** ''On the Study and Use of History''

* I have read somewhere or other, — in [[w:Dionysius of Halicarnassus|Dionysius of Halicarnassus]], I think, — that history is philosophy teaching by examples.
** ''On the Study and Use of History'', letter 2; in fact this relates to a third-century AD treatise on rhetoric, wrongly attributed to Dionysius of Halicarnassus, which says (xi. 2): &quot;The contact with manners then is education; and this Thucydides appears to assert when he says history is philosophy learned from examples&quot;. The line is not found in Thucydides.

* Nations, like men, have their infancy.
** ''On the Study and Use of History'', letter 4 (1752)

* They ([[w:Thucydides|Thucydides]] and [[w:Xenophon|Xenophon]]) maintained the dignity of history.
** ''On the Study and Use of History'', letter 5 (1752); compare [[Henry Fielding]], ''Tom Jones'', book xi. chap. ii.; [[Horace Walpole]], ''Advertisement to Letter to Sir Horace Mann''; [[Thomas Babington Macaulay, 1st Baron Macaulay|Thomas Babington Macaulay]], ''History of England'', vol. i. chap. i.

* The landed men are the true owners of our political vessel, the moneyed men are no more than passengers in it.
** ''Some Reflections on the Present State of the Nation'' (1753)

* The second proposition admits and encourages the very practice we censure so justly, for which the saint [ [[Augustine of Hippo]] ] was so famous, and by which he contributed so much to promote contentions in his own days, and to perpetuate them to ours. The practice of deducing doctrines from the scriptures that are not evidently contained in them... Who does not see that the direct tendency of this practice is exactly the same as the event has proved it to be? It composes and propagates a religion, seemingly under the authority of God, but really under that of man. The principles of [[revelation]] are lost in [[theology]], or disfigured by it: and whilst some men are impudent enough to pretend, others are silly enough to believe, that they adhere to the [[gospel]], and maintain the cause of God against infidels and heretics, when they do nothing better, nor more, than espouse the conceits of men, whom enthusiasm, or the ambition of forming sects, or of making a great figure in them, has inspired. If you ask now what the practice of the [[w:Church Fathers|christian fathers]], and of other divines, should have been, in order to preserve the purity of faith, and to promote peace and charity, the answer is obvious... They should have adhered to the word of God: they should have paid no regard to [[w:Ancient Greek philosophy|heathen philosophy]], [[Judaism|jewish]] [[w:Kabbalah|cabala]], the sallies of enthusiasm, or the refinements of human ingenuity: they should have embraced, and held fast the articles of faith and doctrine, that were delivered in plain terms, or in unequivocal figures: they should not have been [[w:Dogma|dogmatical]] where the sense was doubtful, nor have presumed even to guess where the [[w:Holy Spirit (Christianity)|Holy Ghost]] left the veil of mystery undrawn.
** [http://books.google.com/books?id=E6ATAAAAQAAJ ''Lord Bolingbroke's Philosophical Works''] (1754) Vol.III, Essay IV, Sect XVI

* It is the modest, not the presumptuous, inquirer who makes a real and safe progress in the discovery of divine truths. One follows Nature and Nature's God; that is, he follows God in his works and in his word.
** Letter to [[Alexander Pope]]; compare: &quot;Slave to no sect, who takes no private road, But looks through Nature up to Nature’s God&quot;, [[Alexander Pope]], ''Essay on Man'', epistle iv. line 331.

* The shortest and surest way of arriving at real knowledge is to unlearn the lessons we have been taught, to mount the first principles, and take nobody's word about them.
** As quoted in ''Treasury of Wisdom, Wit and Humor, Odd Comparisons and Proverbs'' (1891) by Adam Woolever

==Quotes about Bolingbroke==
*Who now reads Bolingbroke? Who ever read him through? ... I do not often quote Bolingbroke, nor have his works in general, left any permanent impression on my mind. He is a presumptuousness and a superficial writer. But he has one observation, which in my opinion, is not without depth and solidity. He says, that he prefers a monarchy to other governments; because you can better ingraft any description of republic on a monarchy than any thing of monarchy upon the republican forms. I think him perfectly in the right. 
**[[Edmund Burke]], ''[[Reflections on the Revolution in France]]'' (1790), pp. 133, 187

*He engaged young, and distinguished himself in business; and his penetration was almost intuition. I am old enough to have heard him speak in parliament. And I remember that, though prejudiced against him by party, I felt all the force and charms of his eloquence. Like Belial in [[John Milton|Milton]], “he made the worse appear the better cause.” All the internal and external advantages and talents of an orator are undoubtedly his. Figure, voice, elocution, knowledge, and, above all, the purest and most florid diction, with the justest metaphors and happiest images, had raised him to the post of Secretary at War, at four-and-twenty years old, an age at which others are hardly thought fit for the smallest employments. 
**[[Philip Stanhope, 4th Earl of Chesterfield|Earl of Chesterfield]] to his son (12 December 1749) quoted in ''Letters Written By The Late Right Honourable Philip Dormer Stanhope, Earl Of Chesterfield, To His Son, Philip Stanhope, Esq. Late Envoy-Extraordinary At The Court Of Dresden: Together with Several Other Pieces On Various Subjects: In Four Volumes, Volume II'' (1792), p. 292

*Lord Bolingbroke, one of the ablest men who ever lived, was a firm and uncompromising Tory, and he advocated triennial Parliaments. He said that without this there was no security for the people, no integrity for the constitution.
**[[Benjamin Disraeli]], speech in High Wycombe (27 November 1832), quoted in  ''Selected Speeches of the late Right Honourable the Earl of Beaconsfield: Volume II'', ed. T. E. Kebbel (1882), p. 7

*He was called indeed a tory; but his writings prove him a stronger advocate for liberty than any of his countrymen, the whigs of the present day. Irritated by his exile, he committed one act unworthy of him, in connecting himself momentarily with a prince rejected by his country. But he redeemed that single act by his establishment of the principles which proved it to be wrong. ... Lord Bolingbroke's...is a style of the highest order. The lofty, rhythmical, full-flowing eloquence of [[Cicero]]. Periods of just measure, their members proportioned, their close full and round. His conceptions, too, are bold and strong, his diction copious, polished and commanding as his subject. His writings are certainly the finest samples in the English language, of the eloquence proper for the Senate. His political tracts are safe reading for the most timid religionist, his philosophical, for those who are not afraid to trust their reason with discussions of right and wrong. 
**[[Thomas Jefferson]] to Francis Eppes (19 January 1821), quoted in Thomas Jefferson, ''Writings'', ed. Merrill D. Peterson (1984), p. 1451

*I think Mr. secretary St. John the greatest young man I ever knew: wit, capacity, beauty, quickness of apprehension, good learning, and an excellent taste; the best orator in the house of commons, admirable conversation, good nature, and good manners; generous, and a despiser of money. His only fault is, talking to his friends in way of complaint of too great load of business, which looks a little like affectation; and he endeavours too much to mix the fine gentleman, and the man of pleasure, with the man of business. What truth and sincerity he may have, I know not.
**[[Jonathan Swift]], Letter XXXIII (23 October 1711), ''[[w:A Journal to Stella|A Journal to Stella]]'', quoted in ''The Works of Jonathan Swift, containing additional letters, tracts, and poems, with notes, and a life of the author, by W. Scott, Volume II'' (1824), pp. 405–406

*[T]he accomplishments of his mind, which was adorned with the choicest gifts that God has yet thought fit to bestow upon the children of men; a strong memory, a clear judgment, a vast range of wit and fancy, a thorough comprehension, an invincible eloquence, with a most agreeable elocution.
**[[Jonathan Swift]], ''An Inquiry into the Behaviour of the Queen's last Ministry, &amp;c.'' (June 1715), quoted ''The Works of the Rev. Jonathan Swift, Volume 4'', ed. Thomas Sheridan (1801), in p. 310

== External links==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
* [http://www.eighteenthcenturypoetry.org/authors/pers00082.shtml Henry St John, 1st Viscount Bolingbroke at the Eighteenth-Century Poetry Archive (ECPA)]
* {{Gutenberg author |id=Bolingbroke,+Henry+St.+John,+Viscount}}
* [http://www.berkshirehistory.com/bios/hstjohn_vbol.html Royal Berkshire History: Henry St John, Viscount Bolingbroke]
{{Social and political philosophers}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Bolingbroke, Henry Saint John, 1st Viscount}}
[[Category:Academics from the United Kingdom]]
[[Category:Philosophers from England]]
[[Category:1678 births]]
[[Category:1751 deaths]]
[[Category:People from London]]
[[Category:Tory (British political party) politicians]]
[[Category:Critics of religion]]</text>
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      <text bytes="33272" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Henry St John, 1st Viscount Bolingbroke (1678-1751).jpg |thumb|It is the [[modest]], not the [[presumptuous]], inquirer who makes a [[real]] and [[safe]] [[progress]] in the [[discovery]] of [[divine]] [[truths]].]]
[[File:1stViscountBolingbroke.jpg|thumb|[[Truth]] lies within a little and certain compass, but [[error]] is immense.]]
'''[[w:Henry St John, 1st Viscount Bolingbroke|Henry St John, 1st Viscount Bolingbroke]]''' ([[September 16]], [[1678]] – [[December 12]], [[1751]]) was an English statesman and philosopher.

== Quotes ==
*You may observe yourself...what a difference there is between the true strength of this nation and the fictitious one of the [[Whigs (British political party)|Whigs]]. How much time, how many lucky incidents, how many strains of power, how much money must go to create a majority of the latter; on the other hand, take but off the opinion that the Crown is another way inclined, the church interest rises with redoubled force, and by its natural genuine strength.
**Letter to Mr. Drummond (10 November 1710), quoted in Gilbert Parke, ''Letters and Correspondence, Public and Private, of The Right Honourable Henry St. John, Lord Visc. Bolingbroke; during the Time he was Secretary of State to Queen Anne; with State Papers, Explanatory Notes, and a Translation of the Foreign Letters, &amp;c.: Vol. I'' (1798), pp. 16–17

* '''Truth lies within a little and certain compass, but error is immense.'''
** ''Reflections upon Exile'' (1716)

*The manners of our fore-fathers were, I believe, in many respects better: they had more probity perhaps, they had certainly more show of honour, and greater industry.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 18

*One party [the [[Whigs (British political party)|Whigs]]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt; had given their whole attention, during several years, to the project of enriching themselves, and impoverishing the rest of the nation; and, by these and other means, of establishing their dominion under the government and with the favour of a family, who were foreigners, and therefore might believe, that they were established on the throne by the good will and strength of this party alone. This party in general were so intent on these views, and many of them, I fear, are so still, that they did not advert in time to the necessary consequences of the measures they abetted: nor did they confider, that the power they raised, and by which they hoped to govern their country, would govern them with the very rod of iron they forged, and would be the power of a prince or minister, not that of a party long.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 20-21

*Another party [the [[w:Tories (British political party)|Tories]]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt; continued sour, sullen, and inactive, with judgments so weak, and passions so strong, that even experience, and a severe one surely, was lost upon them. They waited, like the ''Jews'', for a ''Messiah'', that may never come; and under whom, if he did come, they would be strangely disappointed in their expectations of glory and triumph, and universal dominion. Whilst they waited, they were marked out like the ''Jews'', a distinct race, hewers of wood and drawers of water, scarce members of the community, tho born in the country.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 21-22

*The service of our country is no chimerical, but a real duty. He who admits the proofs of any other moral duty, drawn from the constitution of human nature, or from the moral fitness and unfitness of things, must admit them in favour of this duty, or be reduced to the most absurd inconsistency.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 27-28

*To what higher station, to what greater glory can any mortal aspire, than to be, during the whole course of his life, the support of good, the controul of bad government, and the guardian of public liberty? 
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 29

*Neither [[Michel de Montaigne|Montaigne]] in writing his essays, nor [[René Descartes|DesCartes]] in building new worlds, nor [[Thomas Burnet|Burnet]] in framing an antedeluvian earth, no nor [[Isaac Newton|Newton]] in discovering and establishing the true laws of nature on experiment and a sublimer geometry, felt more intellectual joys; than he feels who is a ''real patriot'', who bends all the force of his understanding, and directs all his thoughts and actions, to the good of his country.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 31

*[[w:Henry Hyde, Viscount Cornbury|My Lord]], I have insisted the more on this duty which men owe to their country, because I came out of ''England'', and continue still, strongly affected with what I saw when I was there. Our government has approached, nearer than ever before, to the true principles of it, since the [[Glorious Revolution|revolution of one thousand six hundred and eighty eight]]: and the accession of the [[w:House of Hanover|present family]] to the throne, has given the fairest opportunities, as well as the justest reasons, for compleating the scheme of liberty, and improving it to perfection. 
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 36-37

*[N]o human institution can arrive at perfection, and the most that human wisdom can do, is to procure the same or greater good, at the expence of less evil.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 45

*There have been periods when our government continued free, with strong appearances of becoming absolute. Let it be your glory, my Lord, and that of the new generation springing up with you, that this government do not become absolute at any future period, with the appearances of being free.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 46

*I think , and every wise and honest man in generations yet unborn will think, if the history of [thi]s administration descends to blacken our annals, that the greatest iniquity of the minister &lt;nowiki&gt;[&lt;/nowiki&gt;[[Robert Walpole]]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt;, on whom the whole iniquity ought to be charged, since he has been so long in possession of the whole power, is the constant endeavour he has employed to corrupt the ''morals'' of ''men''.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 68-69

*The minister &lt;nowiki&gt;[&lt;/nowiki&gt;[[Robert Walpole]]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt; preaches corruption aloud and constantly, like an impudent missionary of vice.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 72

*It seems to me, upon the whole matter, that to save or redeem a nation under such circumstances from perdition, nothing less is necessary than some great, some extraordinary conjuncture of ill fortune, or of good , which may ''purge'', yet ''so as by fire''. Distress from abroad, bankruptcy at home, and other circumstances of like nature and tendency, may beget universal confusion. Out of confusion order may arise: but it may be the order of a wicked tyranny, instead of the order of a just monarchy. Either may happen: and such an alternative, at the disposition of fortune, is sufficient to make a [[w:Stoic|stoic]] tremble! We may be saved indeed by means of a very different kind; but these means will not offer themselves, this way of salvation will not be opened to us, without the concurrence, and the influence of a P&lt;small&gt;ATRIOT&lt;/small&gt; K&lt;small&gt;ING&lt;/small&gt;, the most uncommon of all phænomena in the physical or moral world. Nothing can so surely and so effectually restore the virtue and public spirit, essential to the preservation of liberty, and national prosperity, as the reign of ſuch a prince.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 72-73

*I esteem monarchy above any other form of government, and hereditary monarchy above elective. I reverence kings, their office, their rights, their persons; and it will never be owing to the ''principles'' I am going to establish, because the character and government of a ''patriot king'' can be eatabliahed on no other, if their ''office'' and their ''right'' are not always held ''divine'', and their persons always ''sacred''.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 83-84

*The obligation of submission to both, is discoverable by so clear and so simple an use of our intellectual faculties, that it may be ſaid properly enough to be ''revealed to us by God''; and tho ''both'' these laws cannot be said properly to be given by Him, yet our obligation to ſubmit to the ''civil'' law is a principal paragraph in the ''natural'' law, which he has most manifestly given us. 
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 84-85

*It follows, therefore, that he who breaks the ''laws of his country'' resists the ''ordinance of God'', that is, the law of his nature. God has instituted neither monarchy, nor aristocracy, nor democracy, nor mixed government: but tho God has instituted no particular form of government among men, yet by the general laws of his kingdom, he exacts our obedience to the laws of those communities to which each of us is attached by birth, or to which we may be attached by a subsequent and lawful engagement.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 85-86

*Nothing can be more absurd, in pure ''speculation'', than an hereditary right in any mortal to govern other men: and yet, in ''practice'', nothing can be more absurd than to have a king to choose at every vacancy of a throne. We draw at a ''lottery'' indeed in one case, where there are many chances to lose, and few to gain. But have we much more advantage of this kind in the other? I think not. Upon these , and upon most occasions, the multitude would do at leaſt as well to trust to chance as choice, and to their fortune as to their judgment.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 89-90

*To conclude this head therefore, as I think a ''limited monarchy'' the best of governments, so I think an ''hereditary monarchy'' the best of monarchies. I said a ''limited monarchy''; for an ''unlimited monarchy'', wherein arbitrary will, which is in truth no rule, is however the sole rule, or stands instead of all rule of government, is so great an absurdity, both in reason informed or uninformed by experience, that it seems a government fitter for savages than for civilized people.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 91-92

*Among many reasons which determine me to prefer ''monarchy'' to every form of government, this is a principal one. When monarchy is the essential form, it may be more easily and more usefully ''tempered'' with ''aristocracy'' or ''democracy'', or both, than either of them, when they are the essential forms, can be ''tempered'' with ''monarchy''. It seems to me, that the introduction of a real permanent monarchical power, or any thing more than the pageantry of it, into either of these, must destroy them and extinguish them, as a great light extinguishes a less. Where it may easily be shewn, and the true form of our government will demonstrate, without seeking any other example, that very considerable ''aristocratical'' and ''democratical powers'' may be grafted on a ''monarchical stock'', without diminishing the lustre, or restraining the power and authority of the prince, enough to alter in any degree the essential form.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 92-93

*There must be an absolute, unlimited, and uncontroulable power lodged ''somewhere'' in every government; but to constitute monarchy, or the government of a single person, it is not necessary that this power should be lodged in the monarch ''alone''. 
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 93

*There are ''limitations'' indeed that would destroy the ''essential form'' of monarchy: or, in other words, a monarchical constitution may be changed, under pretence of limiting the monarch. This happened among us in the last century, when the vilest usurpation, and the most infamous tyranny, were established over our nation, by some of the worst and some of the meanest men in it. I will not day, that the ''essential form'' of monarchy should be preserved, tho the preservation of it were to cause the loss of ''liberty''. ''Salus reipsuprema lex esto'', is a fundamental law: and sure I am, the ''safety'' of a commonwealth is ill provided for, if the ''liberty'' be given up. But this I presume to say, and can demonstrate, that ''all'' the limitations necessary to preserve liberty, as long as the ''spirit'' of it subsists, and longer than that, no limitations of monarchy, nor any other form of government, can preserve it, are ''compatible'' with monarchy.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 96

*My aim is to fix this principle, that ''limitations'' on a crown ought to be carried ''as far'' as it is necessary to secure the liberties of a people; and that all ''such limitations'' may subsist, without weakening or endangering monarchy.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 97

*As soon as corruption ceases to be an expedient of government, and it will cease to be such as soon as a patriot king is raised to the throne, the ''panacea'' is applied: the spirit of the constitution revives of course; and as fast as it revives, the orders and forms of the constitution are restored to their primitive integrity, and become what they were intended to be; ''real barriers'' against arbitrary power, not ''blinds'' nor ''masks'' under which tyranny may lie concealed. Depravation of manners exposed the constitution to ruin; reformation will secure it.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 134

*A patriot king is the most powerful of all reformers; for he is himſelf a sort of standing miracle, so rarely seen and so little understood, that the sure effects of his appearance will be admiration and love in every honest breast, confusion and terror to every guilty conscience, but submission and resignation in all. A new people will seem to arise with a new king. In numerable metamorphoses, like those which poets feign, will happen in very deed: and while men are conscious that they are the same individuals, the difference of their sentiments will almost persuade them that they are changed into different beings.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 135

*By the principles of the [[Glorious Revolution|Revolution]], a subject may resist, no doubt, the prince who endeavours to ruin and enslave his people, and may push this resistance to the dethronement and exclusion of him and his race: but will it follow, that, because we may justly take arms against a prince whose right to govern we once acknowledged, and who by subsequent acts has forfeited that right, we may swear to a right we do not acknowledge, and resist a prince whose conduct has not forfeited the right we swore to, nor given any just dispensation from our oaths?
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 171

*The situation of ''Great Britain'', the character of her people, and the nature of her government fit her for trade and commerce. Her climate and her soil make them necessary to her well being. By trade and commerce we grew a rich and powerful nation, and by their decay we are growing poor and impotent. As trade and commerce enrich, so they fortify our country. The sea is our barrier, ships are our fortresses, and the mariners, that trade and commerce alone can furnish, are the garrisons to defend them.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 184-185

*The ''French'' may improve their natural wealth and power by the improvement of trade and commerce. We can have no wealth, nor power by consequence, as ''Europe'' is now constituted, without the improvement of them, nor in any degree but proportionably to this improvement.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 186

*The result of what has been said is, ''in general'', that the wealth and power of all nations depending so much on their trade and commerce, and every nation being...in ſuch different circumstances of advantage or disadvantage in the pursuit of this common interest; a good government, and therefore the government of a patriot king , will be directed constantly to make the most of every advantage that nature has given, or art can procure towards the improvement of trade and commerce. And this is one of the principal criterions, by which we are to judge whether governors are in the true interest of the people, or not.&lt;br&gt;It results, ''in particular'', that ''Great Britain'' might improve her wealth and power in a proportion superior to that of any nation who can be deemed her rival, if the advantages she has were as wisely cultivated, as they will be in the reign of a patriot king.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 186-187

*A patriot king will neither neglect, nor sacrifice his country's interest. No other interest, neither a foreign nor a domestic, neither a public nor a private, will influence his conduct in government... To give ease and encouragement to manufactory at home, to assist and protect trade abroad, to improve and keep in heart the national colonies, like so many farms of the mother-country, will be principal and constant parts of the attention of such a prince.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 190-191

*By a continual attention to improve her natural, that is her maritime strength, by collecting all her forces with in herself, and reserving them to be laid out on great occasions, such as regard her immediate interests and her honour, or such as are truly important to the general system of power in ''Europe''; she may be the ''arbitrator'' of ''differences'', the ''guardian'' of ''liberty'', and the ''preserver'' of that ''[[w:Balance of power (international relations)|Balance]]'', which has been so much talked of, and is so little underſtood.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 193-194

*Like other amphibious animals, we must come occasionally on shore: but the water is more properly our element, and in it, like them, as we find our greatest security, so we exert our greatest force.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 195

*In his place, concord will appear, brooding peace and proſperity on the happy land; joy fitting in every face, content in every heart; a people unoppressed, undisturbed, unalarmed; busy to improve their private property and the public stock; fleets covering the ocean; bringing home wealth by the returns of industry; carrying assistance or terror abroad by the direction of wisdom; and asserting triumphantly the right and the honour of ''Great Britain'', as far as waters roll and as winds can waft them.&lt;br&gt;Those who live to see such happy days, and to act in so glorious a scene, will perhaps call to mind with some tenderness of sentiment, when he is no more, a ''man'', who contributed his mite to carry on so good a work, and who desired life for nothing so much, as to see a king of ''Great Britain'' the most popular man in his country, and a ''patriot king'' at the head of an united people.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 225-226

* We are born too late to see the beginning, and we did too soon to see the end of many things.
** ''On the Study and Use of History''

* I have read somewhere or other, — in [[w:Dionysius of Halicarnassus|Dionysius of Halicarnassus]], I think, — that history is philosophy teaching by examples.
** ''On the Study and Use of History'', letter 2; in fact this relates to a third-century AD treatise on rhetoric, wrongly attributed to Dionysius of Halicarnassus, which says (xi. 2): &quot;The contact with manners then is education; and this Thucydides appears to assert when he says history is philosophy learned from examples&quot;. The line is not found in Thucydides.

* Nations, like men, have their infancy.
** ''On the Study and Use of History'', letter 4 (1752)

* They ([[w:Thucydides|Thucydides]] and [[w:Xenophon|Xenophon]]) maintained the dignity of history.
** ''On the Study and Use of History'', letter 5 (1752); compare [[Henry Fielding]], ''Tom Jones'', book xi. chap. ii.; [[Horace Walpole]], ''Advertisement to Letter to Sir Horace Mann''; [[Thomas Babington Macaulay, 1st Baron Macaulay|Thomas Babington Macaulay]], ''History of England'', vol. i. chap. i.

* The landed men are the true owners of our political vessel, the moneyed men are no more than passengers in it.
** ''Some Reflections on the Present State of the Nation'' (1753)

* The second proposition admits and encourages the very practice we censure so justly, for which the saint [ [[Augustine of Hippo]] ] was so famous, and by which he contributed so much to promote contentions in his own days, and to perpetuate them to ours. The practice of deducing doctrines from the scriptures that are not evidently contained in them... Who does not see that the direct tendency of this practice is exactly the same as the event has proved it to be? It composes and propagates a religion, seemingly under the authority of God, but really under that of man. The principles of [[revelation]] are lost in [[theology]], or disfigured by it: and whilst some men are impudent enough to pretend, others are silly enough to believe, that they adhere to the [[gospel]], and maintain the cause of God against infidels and heretics, when they do nothing better, nor more, than espouse the conceits of men, whom enthusiasm, or the ambition of forming sects, or of making a great figure in them, has inspired. If you ask now what the practice of the [[w:Church Fathers|christian fathers]], and of other divines, should have been, in order to preserve the purity of faith, and to promote peace and charity, the answer is obvious... They should have adhered to the word of God: they should have paid no regard to [[w:Ancient Greek philosophy|heathen philosophy]], [[Judaism|jewish]] [[w:Kabbalah|cabala]], the sallies of enthusiasm, or the refinements of human ingenuity: they should have embraced, and held fast the articles of faith and doctrine, that were delivered in plain terms, or in unequivocal figures: they should not have been [[w:Dogma|dogmatical]] where the sense was doubtful, nor have presumed even to guess where the [[w:Holy Spirit (Christianity)|Holy Ghost]] left the veil of mystery undrawn.
** [http://books.google.com/books?id=E6ATAAAAQAAJ ''Lord Bolingbroke's Philosophical Works''] (1754) Vol.III, Essay IV, Sect XVI

* It is the modest, not the presumptuous, inquirer who makes a real and safe progress in the discovery of divine truths. One follows Nature and Nature's God; that is, he follows God in his works and in his word.
** Letter to [[Alexander Pope]]; compare: &quot;Slave to no sect, who takes no private road, But looks through Nature up to Nature’s God&quot;, [[Alexander Pope]], ''Essay on Man'', epistle iv. line 331.

* The shortest and surest way of arriving at real knowledge is to unlearn the lessons we have been taught, to mount the first principles, and take nobody's word about them.
** As quoted in ''Treasury of Wisdom, Wit and Humor, Odd Comparisons and Proverbs'' (1891) by Adam Woolever

==Quotes about Bolingbroke==
*Who now reads Bolingbroke? Who ever read him through? ... I do not often quote Bolingbroke, nor have his works in general, left any permanent impression on my mind. He is a presumptuousness and a superficial writer. But he has one observation, which in my opinion, is not without depth and solidity. He says, that he prefers a monarchy to other governments; because you can better ingraft any description of republic on a monarchy than any thing of monarchy upon the republican forms. I think him perfectly in the right. 
**[[Edmund Burke]], ''[[Reflections on the Revolution in France]]'' (1790), pp. 133, 187

*He engaged young, and distinguished himself in business; and his penetration was almost intuition. I am old enough to have heard him speak in parliament. And I remember that, though prejudiced against him by party, I felt all the force and charms of his eloquence. Like Belial in [[John Milton|Milton]], “he made the worse appear the better cause.” All the internal and external advantages and talents of an orator are undoubtedly his. Figure, voice, elocution, knowledge, and, above all, the purest and most florid diction, with the justest metaphors and happiest images, had raised him to the post of Secretary at War, at four-and-twenty years old, an age at which others are hardly thought fit for the smallest employments. 
**[[Philip Stanhope, 4th Earl of Chesterfield|Earl of Chesterfield]] to his son (12 December 1749) quoted in ''Letters Written By The Late Right Honourable Philip Dormer Stanhope, Earl Of Chesterfield, To His Son, Philip Stanhope, Esq. Late Envoy-Extraordinary At The Court Of Dresden: Together with Several Other Pieces On Various Subjects: In Four Volumes, Volume II'' (1792), p. 292

*Lord Bolingbroke, one of the ablest men who ever lived, was a firm and uncompromising Tory, and he advocated triennial Parliaments. He said that without this there was no security for the people, no integrity for the constitution.
**[[Benjamin Disraeli]], speech in High Wycombe (27 November 1832), quoted in  ''Selected Speeches of the late Right Honourable the Earl of Beaconsfield: Volume II'', ed. T. E. Kebbel (1882), p. 7

*He was called indeed a tory; but his writings prove him a stronger advocate for liberty than any of his countrymen, the whigs of the present day. Irritated by his exile, he committed one act unworthy of him, in connecting himself momentarily with a prince rejected by his country. But he redeemed that single act by his establishment of the principles which proved it to be wrong. ... Lord Bolingbroke's...is a style of the highest order. The lofty, rhythmical, full-flowing eloquence of [[Cicero]]. Periods of just measure, their members proportioned, their close full and round. His conceptions, too, are bold and strong, his diction copious, polished and commanding as his subject. His writings are certainly the finest samples in the English language, of the eloquence proper for the Senate. His political tracts are safe reading for the most timid religionist, his philosophical, for those who are not afraid to trust their reason with discussions of right and wrong. 
**[[Thomas Jefferson]] to Francis Eppes (19 January 1821), quoted in Thomas Jefferson, ''Writings'', ed. Merrill D. Peterson (1984), p. 1451

*I think Mr. secretary St. John the greatest young man I ever knew: wit, capacity, beauty, quickness of apprehension, good learning, and an excellent taste; the best orator in the house of commons, admirable conversation, good nature, and good manners; generous, and a despiser of money. His only fault is, talking to his friends in way of complaint of too great load of business, which looks a little like affectation; and he endeavours too much to mix the fine gentleman, and the man of pleasure, with the man of business. What truth and sincerity he may have, I know not.
**[[Jonathan Swift]], Letter XXXIII (23 October 1711), ''[[w:A Journal to Stella|A Journal to Stella]]'', quoted in ''The Works of Jonathan Swift, containing additional letters, tracts, and poems, with notes, and a life of the author, by W. Scott, Volume II'' (1824), pp. 405–406

*[T]he accomplishments of his mind, which was adorned with the choicest gifts that God has yet thought fit to bestow upon the children of men; a strong memory, a clear judgment, a vast range of wit and fancy, a thorough comprehension, an invincible eloquence, with a most agreeable elocution.
**[[Jonathan Swift]], ''An Inquiry into the Behaviour of the Queen's last Ministry, &amp;c.'' (June 1715), quoted ''The Works of the Rev. Jonathan Swift, Volume 4'', ed. Thomas Sheridan (1801), in p. 310

== External links==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
* [http://www.eighteenthcenturypoetry.org/authors/pers00082.shtml Henry St John, 1st Viscount Bolingbroke at the Eighteenth-Century Poetry Archive (ECPA)]
* {{Gutenberg author |id=Bolingbroke,+Henry+St.+John,+Viscount}}
* [http://www.berkshirehistory.com/bios/hstjohn_vbol.html Royal Berkshire History: Henry St John, Viscount Bolingbroke]
{{Social and political philosophers}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Bolingbroke, Henry Saint John, 1st Viscount}}
[[Category:Academics from the United Kingdom]]
[[Category:Philosophers from England]]
[[Category:1678 births]]
[[Category:1751 deaths]]
[[Category:People from London]]
[[Category:Tory (British political party) politicians]]
[[Category:Critics of religion]]</text>
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      <text bytes="33271" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Henry St John, 1st Viscount Bolingbroke (1678-1751).jpg |thumb|It is the [[modest]], not the [[presumptuous]], inquirer who makes a [[real]] and [[safe]] [[progress]] in the [[discovery]] of [[divine]] [[truths]].]]
[[File:1stViscountBolingbroke.jpg|thumb|[[Truth]] lies within a little and certain compass, but [[error]] is immense.]]
'''[[w:Henry St John, 1st Viscount Bolingbroke|Henry St John, 1st Viscount Bolingbroke]]''' ([[September 16]], [[1678]] – [[December 12]], [[1751]]) was an English statesman and philosopher.

== Quotes ==
*You may observe yourself...what a difference there is between the true strength of this nation and the fictitious one of the [[Whigs (British political party)|Whigs]]. How much time, how many lucky incidents, how many strains of power, how much money must go to create a majority of the latter; on the other hand, take but off the opinion that the Crown is another way inclined, the church interest rises with redoubled force, and by its natural genuine strength.
**Letter to Mr. Drummond (10 November 1710), quoted in Gilbert Parke, ''Letters and Correspondence, Public and Private, of The Right Honourable Henry St. John, Lord Visc. Bolingbroke; during the Time he was Secretary of State to Queen Anne; with State Papers, Explanatory Notes, and a Translation of the Foreign Letters, &amp;c.: Vol. I'' (1798), pp. 16–17

* '''Truth lies within a little and certain compass, but error is immense.'''
** ''Reflections upon Exile'' (1716)

*The manners of our fore-fathers were, I believe, in many respects better: they had more probity perhaps, they had certainly more show of honour, and greater industry.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 18

*One party [the [[Whigs (British political party)|Whigs]]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt; had given their whole attention, during several years, to the project of enriching themselves, and impoverishing the rest of the nation; and, by these and other means, of establishing their dominion under the government and with the favour of a family, who were foreigners, and therefore might believe, that they were established on the throne by the good will and strength of this party alone. This party in general were so intent on these views, and many of them, I fear, are so still, that they did not advert in time to the necessary consequences of the measures they abetted: nor did they confider, that the power they raised, and by which they hoped to govern their country, would govern them with the very rod of iron they forged, and would be the power of a prince or minister, not that of a party long.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 20-21

*Another party [the [[w:Tories (British political party)|Tories]]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt; continued sour, sullen, and inactive, with judgments so weak, and passions so strong, that even experience, and a severe one surely, was lost upon them. They waited, like the ''Jews'', for a ''Messiah'', that may never come; and under whom, if he did come, they would be strangely disappointed in their expectations of glory and triumph, and universal dominion. Whilst they waited, they were marked out like the ''Jews'', a distinct race, hewers of wood and drawers of water, scarce members of the community, tho born in the country.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 21-22

*The service of our country is no chimerical, but a real duty. He who admits the proofs of any other moral duty, drawn from the constitution of human nature, or from the moral fitness and unfitness of things, must admit them in favour of this duty, or be reduced to the most absurd inconsistency.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 27-28

*To what higher station, to what greater glory can any mortal aspire, than to be, during the whole course of his life, the support of good, the controul of bad government, and the guardian of public liberty? 
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 29

*Neither [[Michel de Montaigne|Montaigne]] in writing his essays, nor [[René Descartes|DesCartes]] in building new worlds, nor [[Thomas Burnet|Burnet]] in framing an antedeluvian earth, no nor [[Isaac Newton|Newton]] in discovering and establishing the true laws of nature on experiment and a sublimer geometry, felt more intellectual joys; than he feels who is a ''real patriot'', who bends all the force of his understanding, and directs all his thoughts and actions, to the good of his country.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 31

*[[w:Henry Hyde, Viscount Cornbury|My Lord]], I have insisted the more on this duty which men owe to their country, because I came out of ''England'', and continue still, strongly affected with what I saw when I was there. Our government has approached, nearer than ever before, to the true principles of it, since the [[Glorious Revolution|revolution of one thousand six hundred and eighty eight]]: and the accession of the [[w:House of Hanover|present family]] to the throne, has given the fairest opportunities, as well as the justest reasons, for compleating the scheme of liberty, and improving it to perfection. 
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 36-37

*[N]o human institution can arrive at perfection, and the most that human wisdom can do, is to procure the same or greater good, at the expence of less evil.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 45

*There have been periods when our government continued free, with strong appearances of becoming absolute. Let it be your glory, my Lord, and that of the new generation springing up with you, that this government do not become absolute at any future period, with the appearances of being free.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 46

*I think , and every wise and honest man in generations yet unborn will think, if the history of [thi]s administration descends to blacken our annals, that the greatest iniquity of the minister &lt;nowiki&gt;[&lt;/nowiki&gt;[[Robert Walpole]]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt;, on whom the whole iniquity ought to be charged, since he has been so long in possession of the whole power, is the constant endeavour he has employed to corrupt the ''morals'' of ''men''.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 68-69

*The minister &lt;nowiki&gt;[&lt;/nowiki&gt;[[Robert Walpole]]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt; preaches corruption aloud and constantly, like an impudent missionary of vice.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 72

*It seems to me, upon the whole matter, that to save or redeem a nation under such circumstances from perdition, nothing less is necessary than some great, some extraordinary conjuncture of ill fortune, or of good , which may ''purge'', yet ''so as by fire''. Distress from abroad, bankruptcy at home, and other circumstances of like nature and tendency, may beget universal confusion. Out of confusion order may arise: but it may be the order of a wicked tyranny, instead of the order of a just monarchy. Either may happen: and such an alternative, at the disposition of fortune, is sufficient to make a [[w:Stoic|stoic]] tremble! We may be saved indeed by means of a very different kind; but these means will not offer themselves, this way of salvation will not be opened to us, without the concurrence, and the influence of a P&lt;small&gt;ATRIOT&lt;/small&gt; K&lt;small&gt;ING&lt;/small&gt;, the most uncommon of all phænomena in the physical or moral world. Nothing can so surely and so effectually restore the virtue and public spirit, essential to the preservation of liberty, and national prosperity, as the reign of ſuch a prince.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 72-73

*I esteem monarchy above any other form of government, and hereditary monarchy above elective. I reverence kings, their office, their rights, their persons; and it will never be owing to the ''principles'' I am going to establish, because the character and government of a ''patriot king'' can be eatabliahed on no other, if their ''office'' and their ''right'' are not always held ''divine'', and their persons always ''sacred''.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 83-84

*The obligation of submission to both, is discoverable by so clear and so simple an use of our intellectual faculties, that it may be ſaid properly enough to be ''revealed to us by God''; and tho ''both'' these laws cannot be said properly to be given by Him, yet our obligation to ſubmit to the ''civil'' law is a principal paragraph in the ''natural'' law, which he has most manifestly given us. 
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 84-85

*It follows, therefore, that he who breaks the ''laws of his country'' resists the ''ordinance of God'', that is, the law of his nature. God has instituted neither monarchy, nor aristocracy, nor democracy, nor mixed government: but tho God has instituted no particular form of government among men, yet by the general laws of his kingdom, he exacts our obedience to the laws of those communities to which each of us is attached by birth, or to which we may be attached by a subsequent and lawful engagement.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 85-86

*Nothing can be more absurd, in pure ''speculation'', than an hereditary right in any mortal to govern other men: and yet, in ''practice'', nothing can be more absurd than to have a king to choose at every vacancy of a throne. We draw at a ''lottery'' indeed in one case, where there are many chances to lose, and few to gain. But have we much more advantage of this kind in the other? I think not. Upon these , and upon most occasions, the multitude would do at leaſt as well to trust to chance as choice, and to their fortune as to their judgment.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 89-90

*To conclude this head therefore, as I think a ''limited monarchy'' the best of governments, so I think an ''hereditary monarchy'' the best of monarchies. I said a ''limited monarchy''; for an ''unlimited monarchy'', wherein arbitrary will, which is in truth no rule, is however the sole rule, or stands instead of all rule of government, is so great an absurdity, both in reason informed or uninformed by experience, that it seems a government fitter for savages than for civilized people.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 91-92

*Among many reasons which determine me to prefer ''monarchy'' to every form of government, this is a principal one. When monarchy is the essential form, it may be more easily and more usefully ''tempered'' with ''aristocracy'' or ''democracy'', or both, than either of them, when they are the essential forms, can be ''tempered'' with ''monarchy''. It seems to me, that the introduction of a real permanent monarchical power, or any thing more than the pageantry of it, into either of these, must destroy them and extinguish them, as a great light extinguishes a less. Where it may easily be shewn, and the true form of our government will demonstrate, without seeking any other example, that very considerable ''aristocratical'' and ''democratical powers'' may be grafted on a ''monarchical stock'', without diminishing the lustre, or restraining the power and authority of the prince, enough to alter in any degree the essential form.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 92-93

*There must be an absolute, unlimited, and uncontroulable power lodged ''somewhere'' in every government; but to constitute monarchy, or the government of a single person, it is not necessary that this power should be lodged in the monarch ''alone''. 
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 93

*There are ''limitations'' indeed that would destroy the ''essential form'' of monarchy: or, in other words, a monarchical constitution may be changed, under pretence of limiting the monarch. This happened among us in the last century, when the vilest usurpation, and the most infamous tyranny, were established over our nation, by some of the worst and some of the meanest men in it. I will not day, that the ''essential form'' of monarchy should be preserved, tho the preservation of it were to cause the loss of ''liberty''. ''Salus reipsuprema lex esto'', is a fundamental law: and sure I am, the ''safety'' of a commonwealth is ill provided for, if the ''liberty'' be given up. But this I presume to say, and can demonstrate, that ''all'' the limitations necessary to preserve liberty, as long as the ''spirit'' of it subsists, and longer than that, no limitations of monarchy, nor any other form of government, can preserve it, are ''compatible'' with monarchy.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 96

*My aim is to fix this principle, that ''limitations'' on a crown ought to be carried ''as far'' as it is necessary to secure the liberties of a people; and that all ''such limitations'' may subsist, without weakening or endangering monarchy.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 97

*As soon as corruption ceases to be an expedient of government, and it will cease to be such as soon as a patriot king is raised to the throne, the ''panacea'' is applied: the spirit of the constitution revives of course; and as fast as it revives, the orders and forms of the constitution are restored to their primitive integrity, and become what they were intended to be; ''real barriers'' against arbitrary power, not ''blinds'' nor ''masks'' under which tyranny may lie concealed. Depravation of manners exposed the constitution to ruin; reformation will secure it.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 134

*A patriot king is the most powerful of all reformers; for he is himſelf a sort of standing miracle, so rarely seen and so little understood, that the sure effects of his appearance will be admiration and love in every honest breast, confusion and terror to every guilty conscience, but submission and resignation in all. A new people will seem to arise with a new king. In numerable metamorphoses, like those which poets feign, will happen in very deed: and while men are conscious that they are the same individuals, the difference of their sentiments will almost persuade them that they are changed into different beings.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 135

*By the principles of the [[Glorious Revolution|Revolution]], a subject may resist, no doubt, the prince who endeavours to ruin and enslave his people, and may push this resistance to the dethronement and exclusion of him and his race: but will it follow, that, because we may justly take arms against a prince whose right to govern we once acknowledged, and who by subsequent acts has forfeited that right, we may swear to a right we do not acknowledge, and resist a prince whose conduct has not forfeited the right we swore to, nor given any just dispensation from our oaths?
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 171

*The situation of ''Great Britain'', the character of her people, and the nature of her government fit her for trade and commerce. Her climate and her soil make them necessary to her well being. By trade and commerce we grew a rich and powerful nation, and by their decay we are growing poor and impotent. As trade and commerce enrich, so they fortify our country. The sea is our barrier, ships are our fortresses, and the mariners, that trade and commerce alone can furnish, are the garrisons to defend them.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 184-185

*The ''French'' may improve their natural wealth and power by the improvement of trade and commerce. We can have no wealth, nor power by consequence, as ''Europe'' is now constituted, without the improvement of them, nor in any degree but proportionably to this improvement.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 186

*The result of what has been said is, ''in general'', that the wealth and power of all nations depending so much on their trade and commerce, and every nation being...in ſuch different circumstances of advantage or disadvantage in the pursuit of this common interest; a good government, and therefore the government of a patriot king , will be directed constantly to make the most of every advantage that nature has given, or art can procure towards the improvement of trade and commerce. And this is one of the principal criterions, by which we are to judge whether governors are in the true interest of the people, or not.&lt;br&gt;It results, ''in particular'', that ''Great Britain'' might improve her wealth and power in a proportion superior to that of any nation who can be deemed her rival, if the advantages she has were as wisely cultivated, as they will be in the reign of a patriot king.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 186-187

*A patriot king will neither neglect, nor sacrifice his country's interest. No other interest, neither a foreign nor a domestic, neither a public nor a private, will influence his conduct in government... To give ease and encouragement to manufactory at home, to assist and protect trade abroad, to improve and keep in heart the national colonies, like so many farms of the mother-country, will be principal and constant parts of the attention of such a prince.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 190-191

*By a continual attention to improve her natural, that is her maritime strength, by collecting all her forces with in herself, and reserving them to be laid out on great occasions, such as regard her immediate interests and her honour, or such as are truly important to the general system of power in ''Europe''; she may be the ''arbitrator'' of ''differences'', the ''guardian'' of ''liberty'', and the ''preserver'' of that ''[[w:Balance of power (international relations)|Balance]]'', which has been so much talked of, and is so little underſtood.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 193-194

*Like other amphibious animals, we must come occasionally on shore: but the water is more properly our element, and in it, like them, as we find our greatest security, so we exert our greatest force.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 195

*In his place, concord will appear, brooding peace and prosperity on the happy land; joy fitting in every face, content in every heart; a people unoppressed, undisturbed, unalarmed; busy to improve their private property and the public stock; fleets covering the ocean; bringing home wealth by the returns of industry; carrying assistance or terror abroad by the direction of wisdom; and asserting triumphantly the right and the honour of ''Great Britain'', as far as waters roll and as winds can waft them.&lt;br&gt;Those who live to see such happy days, and to act in so glorious a scene, will perhaps call to mind with some tenderness of sentiment, when he is no more, a ''man'', who contributed his mite to carry on so good a work, and who desired life for nothing so much, as to see a king of ''Great Britain'' the most popular man in his country, and a ''patriot king'' at the head of an united people.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 225-226

* We are born too late to see the beginning, and we did too soon to see the end of many things.
** ''On the Study and Use of History''

* I have read somewhere or other, — in [[w:Dionysius of Halicarnassus|Dionysius of Halicarnassus]], I think, — that history is philosophy teaching by examples.
** ''On the Study and Use of History'', letter 2; in fact this relates to a third-century AD treatise on rhetoric, wrongly attributed to Dionysius of Halicarnassus, which says (xi. 2): &quot;The contact with manners then is education; and this Thucydides appears to assert when he says history is philosophy learned from examples&quot;. The line is not found in Thucydides.

* Nations, like men, have their infancy.
** ''On the Study and Use of History'', letter 4 (1752)

* They ([[w:Thucydides|Thucydides]] and [[w:Xenophon|Xenophon]]) maintained the dignity of history.
** ''On the Study and Use of History'', letter 5 (1752); compare [[Henry Fielding]], ''Tom Jones'', book xi. chap. ii.; [[Horace Walpole]], ''Advertisement to Letter to Sir Horace Mann''; [[Thomas Babington Macaulay, 1st Baron Macaulay|Thomas Babington Macaulay]], ''History of England'', vol. i. chap. i.

* The landed men are the true owners of our political vessel, the moneyed men are no more than passengers in it.
** ''Some Reflections on the Present State of the Nation'' (1753)

* The second proposition admits and encourages the very practice we censure so justly, for which the saint [ [[Augustine of Hippo]] ] was so famous, and by which he contributed so much to promote contentions in his own days, and to perpetuate them to ours. The practice of deducing doctrines from the scriptures that are not evidently contained in them... Who does not see that the direct tendency of this practice is exactly the same as the event has proved it to be? It composes and propagates a religion, seemingly under the authority of God, but really under that of man. The principles of [[revelation]] are lost in [[theology]], or disfigured by it: and whilst some men are impudent enough to pretend, others are silly enough to believe, that they adhere to the [[gospel]], and maintain the cause of God against infidels and heretics, when they do nothing better, nor more, than espouse the conceits of men, whom enthusiasm, or the ambition of forming sects, or of making a great figure in them, has inspired. If you ask now what the practice of the [[w:Church Fathers|christian fathers]], and of other divines, should have been, in order to preserve the purity of faith, and to promote peace and charity, the answer is obvious... They should have adhered to the word of God: they should have paid no regard to [[w:Ancient Greek philosophy|heathen philosophy]], [[Judaism|jewish]] [[w:Kabbalah|cabala]], the sallies of enthusiasm, or the refinements of human ingenuity: they should have embraced, and held fast the articles of faith and doctrine, that were delivered in plain terms, or in unequivocal figures: they should not have been [[w:Dogma|dogmatical]] where the sense was doubtful, nor have presumed even to guess where the [[w:Holy Spirit (Christianity)|Holy Ghost]] left the veil of mystery undrawn.
** [http://books.google.com/books?id=E6ATAAAAQAAJ ''Lord Bolingbroke's Philosophical Works''] (1754) Vol.III, Essay IV, Sect XVI

* It is the modest, not the presumptuous, inquirer who makes a real and safe progress in the discovery of divine truths. One follows Nature and Nature's God; that is, he follows God in his works and in his word.
** Letter to [[Alexander Pope]]; compare: &quot;Slave to no sect, who takes no private road, But looks through Nature up to Nature’s God&quot;, [[Alexander Pope]], ''Essay on Man'', epistle iv. line 331.

* The shortest and surest way of arriving at real knowledge is to unlearn the lessons we have been taught, to mount the first principles, and take nobody's word about them.
** As quoted in ''Treasury of Wisdom, Wit and Humor, Odd Comparisons and Proverbs'' (1891) by Adam Woolever

==Quotes about Bolingbroke==
*Who now reads Bolingbroke? Who ever read him through? ... I do not often quote Bolingbroke, nor have his works in general, left any permanent impression on my mind. He is a presumptuousness and a superficial writer. But he has one observation, which in my opinion, is not without depth and solidity. He says, that he prefers a monarchy to other governments; because you can better ingraft any description of republic on a monarchy than any thing of monarchy upon the republican forms. I think him perfectly in the right. 
**[[Edmund Burke]], ''[[Reflections on the Revolution in France]]'' (1790), pp. 133, 187

*He engaged young, and distinguished himself in business; and his penetration was almost intuition. I am old enough to have heard him speak in parliament. And I remember that, though prejudiced against him by party, I felt all the force and charms of his eloquence. Like Belial in [[John Milton|Milton]], “he made the worse appear the better cause.” All the internal and external advantages and talents of an orator are undoubtedly his. Figure, voice, elocution, knowledge, and, above all, the purest and most florid diction, with the justest metaphors and happiest images, had raised him to the post of Secretary at War, at four-and-twenty years old, an age at which others are hardly thought fit for the smallest employments. 
**[[Philip Stanhope, 4th Earl of Chesterfield|Earl of Chesterfield]] to his son (12 December 1749) quoted in ''Letters Written By The Late Right Honourable Philip Dormer Stanhope, Earl Of Chesterfield, To His Son, Philip Stanhope, Esq. Late Envoy-Extraordinary At The Court Of Dresden: Together with Several Other Pieces On Various Subjects: In Four Volumes, Volume II'' (1792), p. 292

*Lord Bolingbroke, one of the ablest men who ever lived, was a firm and uncompromising Tory, and he advocated triennial Parliaments. He said that without this there was no security for the people, no integrity for the constitution.
**[[Benjamin Disraeli]], speech in High Wycombe (27 November 1832), quoted in  ''Selected Speeches of the late Right Honourable the Earl of Beaconsfield: Volume II'', ed. T. E. Kebbel (1882), p. 7

*He was called indeed a tory; but his writings prove him a stronger advocate for liberty than any of his countrymen, the whigs of the present day. Irritated by his exile, he committed one act unworthy of him, in connecting himself momentarily with a prince rejected by his country. But he redeemed that single act by his establishment of the principles which proved it to be wrong. ... Lord Bolingbroke's...is a style of the highest order. The lofty, rhythmical, full-flowing eloquence of [[Cicero]]. Periods of just measure, their members proportioned, their close full and round. His conceptions, too, are bold and strong, his diction copious, polished and commanding as his subject. His writings are certainly the finest samples in the English language, of the eloquence proper for the Senate. His political tracts are safe reading for the most timid religionist, his philosophical, for those who are not afraid to trust their reason with discussions of right and wrong. 
**[[Thomas Jefferson]] to Francis Eppes (19 January 1821), quoted in Thomas Jefferson, ''Writings'', ed. Merrill D. Peterson (1984), p. 1451

*I think Mr. secretary St. John the greatest young man I ever knew: wit, capacity, beauty, quickness of apprehension, good learning, and an excellent taste; the best orator in the house of commons, admirable conversation, good nature, and good manners; generous, and a despiser of money. His only fault is, talking to his friends in way of complaint of too great load of business, which looks a little like affectation; and he endeavours too much to mix the fine gentleman, and the man of pleasure, with the man of business. What truth and sincerity he may have, I know not.
**[[Jonathan Swift]], Letter XXXIII (23 October 1711), ''[[w:A Journal to Stella|A Journal to Stella]]'', quoted in ''The Works of Jonathan Swift, containing additional letters, tracts, and poems, with notes, and a life of the author, by W. Scott, Volume II'' (1824), pp. 405–406

*[T]he accomplishments of his mind, which was adorned with the choicest gifts that God has yet thought fit to bestow upon the children of men; a strong memory, a clear judgment, a vast range of wit and fancy, a thorough comprehension, an invincible eloquence, with a most agreeable elocution.
**[[Jonathan Swift]], ''An Inquiry into the Behaviour of the Queen's last Ministry, &amp;c.'' (June 1715), quoted ''The Works of the Rev. Jonathan Swift, Volume 4'', ed. Thomas Sheridan (1801), in p. 310

== External links==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
* [http://www.eighteenthcenturypoetry.org/authors/pers00082.shtml Henry St John, 1st Viscount Bolingbroke at the Eighteenth-Century Poetry Archive (ECPA)]
* {{Gutenberg author |id=Bolingbroke,+Henry+St.+John,+Viscount}}
* [http://www.berkshirehistory.com/bios/hstjohn_vbol.html Royal Berkshire History: Henry St John, Viscount Bolingbroke]
{{Social and political philosophers}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Bolingbroke, Henry Saint John, 1st Viscount}}
[[Category:Academics from the United Kingdom]]
[[Category:Philosophers from England]]
[[Category:1678 births]]
[[Category:1751 deaths]]
[[Category:People from London]]
[[Category:Tory (British political party) politicians]]
[[Category:Critics of religion]]</text>
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      <text bytes="33270" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Henry St John, 1st Viscount Bolingbroke (1678-1751).jpg |thumb|It is the [[modest]], not the [[presumptuous]], inquirer who makes a [[real]] and [[safe]] [[progress]] in the [[discovery]] of [[divine]] [[truths]].]]
[[File:1stViscountBolingbroke.jpg|thumb|[[Truth]] lies within a little and certain compass, but [[error]] is immense.]]
'''[[w:Henry St John, 1st Viscount Bolingbroke|Henry St John, 1st Viscount Bolingbroke]]''' ([[September 16]], [[1678]] – [[December 12]], [[1751]]) was an English statesman and philosopher.

== Quotes ==
*You may observe yourself...what a difference there is between the true strength of this nation and the fictitious one of the [[Whigs (British political party)|Whigs]]. How much time, how many lucky incidents, how many strains of power, how much money must go to create a majority of the latter; on the other hand, take but off the opinion that the Crown is another way inclined, the church interest rises with redoubled force, and by its natural genuine strength.
**Letter to Mr. Drummond (10 November 1710), quoted in Gilbert Parke, ''Letters and Correspondence, Public and Private, of The Right Honourable Henry St. John, Lord Visc. Bolingbroke; during the Time he was Secretary of State to Queen Anne; with State Papers, Explanatory Notes, and a Translation of the Foreign Letters, &amp;c.: Vol. I'' (1798), pp. 16–17

* '''Truth lies within a little and certain compass, but error is immense.'''
** ''Reflections upon Exile'' (1716)

*The manners of our fore-fathers were, I believe, in many respects better: they had more probity perhaps, they had certainly more show of honour, and greater industry.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 18

*One party [the [[Whigs (British political party)|Whigs]]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt; had given their whole attention, during several years, to the project of enriching themselves, and impoverishing the rest of the nation; and, by these and other means, of establishing their dominion under the government and with the favour of a family, who were foreigners, and therefore might believe, that they were established on the throne by the good will and strength of this party alone. This party in general were so intent on these views, and many of them, I fear, are so still, that they did not advert in time to the necessary consequences of the measures they abetted: nor did they confider, that the power they raised, and by which they hoped to govern their country, would govern them with the very rod of iron they forged, and would be the power of a prince or minister, not that of a party long.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 20-21

*Another party [the [[w:Tories (British political party)|Tories]]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt; continued sour, sullen, and inactive, with judgments so weak, and passions so strong, that even experience, and a severe one surely, was lost upon them. They waited, like the ''Jews'', for a ''Messiah'', that may never come; and under whom, if he did come, they would be strangely disappointed in their expectations of glory and triumph, and universal dominion. Whilst they waited, they were marked out like the ''Jews'', a distinct race, hewers of wood and drawers of water, scarce members of the community, tho born in the country.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 21-22

*The service of our country is no chimerical, but a real duty. He who admits the proofs of any other moral duty, drawn from the constitution of human nature, or from the moral fitness and unfitness of things, must admit them in favour of this duty, or be reduced to the most absurd inconsistency.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 27-28

*To what higher station, to what greater glory can any mortal aspire, than to be, during the whole course of his life, the support of good, the controul of bad government, and the guardian of public liberty? 
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 29

*Neither [[Michel de Montaigne|Montaigne]] in writing his essays, nor [[René Descartes|DesCartes]] in building new worlds, nor [[Thomas Burnet|Burnet]] in framing an antedeluvian earth, no nor [[Isaac Newton|Newton]] in discovering and establishing the true laws of nature on experiment and a sublimer geometry, felt more intellectual joys; than he feels who is a ''real patriot'', who bends all the force of his understanding, and directs all his thoughts and actions, to the good of his country.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 31

*[[w:Henry Hyde, Viscount Cornbury|My Lord]], I have insisted the more on this duty which men owe to their country, because I came out of ''England'', and continue still, strongly affected with what I saw when I was there. Our government has approached, nearer than ever before, to the true principles of it, since the [[Glorious Revolution|revolution of one thousand six hundred and eighty eight]]: and the accession of the [[w:House of Hanover|present family]] to the throne, has given the fairest opportunities, as well as the justest reasons, for compleating the scheme of liberty, and improving it to perfection. 
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 36-37

*[N]o human institution can arrive at perfection, and the most that human wisdom can do, is to procure the same or greater good, at the expence of less evil.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 45

*There have been periods when our government continued free, with strong appearances of becoming absolute. Let it be your glory, my Lord, and that of the new generation springing up with you, that this government do not become absolute at any future period, with the appearances of being free.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 46

*I think , and every wise and honest man in generations yet unborn will think, if the history of [thi]s administration descends to blacken our annals, that the greatest iniquity of the minister &lt;nowiki&gt;[&lt;/nowiki&gt;[[Robert Walpole]]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt;, on whom the whole iniquity ought to be charged, since he has been so long in possession of the whole power, is the constant endeavour he has employed to corrupt the ''morals'' of ''men''.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 68-69

*The minister &lt;nowiki&gt;[&lt;/nowiki&gt;[[Robert Walpole]]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt; preaches corruption aloud and constantly, like an impudent missionary of vice.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 72

*It seems to me, upon the whole matter, that to save or redeem a nation under such circumstances from perdition, nothing less is necessary than some great, some extraordinary conjuncture of ill fortune, or of good , which may ''purge'', yet ''so as by fire''. Distress from abroad, bankruptcy at home, and other circumstances of like nature and tendency, may beget universal confusion. Out of confusion order may arise: but it may be the order of a wicked tyranny, instead of the order of a just monarchy. Either may happen: and such an alternative, at the disposition of fortune, is sufficient to make a [[w:Stoic|stoic]] tremble! We may be saved indeed by means of a very different kind; but these means will not offer themselves, this way of salvation will not be opened to us, without the concurrence, and the influence of a P&lt;small&gt;ATRIOT&lt;/small&gt; K&lt;small&gt;ING&lt;/small&gt;, the most uncommon of all phænomena in the physical or moral world. Nothing can so surely and so effectually restore the virtue and public spirit, essential to the preservation of liberty, and national prosperity, as the reign of ſuch a prince.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 72-73

*I esteem monarchy above any other form of government, and hereditary monarchy above elective. I reverence kings, their office, their rights, their persons; and it will never be owing to the ''principles'' I am going to establish, because the character and government of a ''patriot king'' can be eatabliahed on no other, if their ''office'' and their ''right'' are not always held ''divine'', and their persons always ''sacred''.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 83-84

*The obligation of submission to both, is discoverable by so clear and so simple an use of our intellectual faculties, that it may be ſaid properly enough to be ''revealed to us by God''; and tho ''both'' these laws cannot be said properly to be given by Him, yet our obligation to ſubmit to the ''civil'' law is a principal paragraph in the ''natural'' law, which he has most manifestly given us. 
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 84-85

*It follows, therefore, that he who breaks the ''laws of his country'' resists the ''ordinance of God'', that is, the law of his nature. God has instituted neither monarchy, nor aristocracy, nor democracy, nor mixed government: but tho God has instituted no particular form of government among men, yet by the general laws of his kingdom, he exacts our obedience to the laws of those communities to which each of us is attached by birth, or to which we may be attached by a subsequent and lawful engagement.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 85-86

*Nothing can be more absurd, in pure ''speculation'', than an hereditary right in any mortal to govern other men: and yet, in ''practice'', nothing can be more absurd than to have a king to choose at every vacancy of a throne. We draw at a ''lottery'' indeed in one case, where there are many chances to lose, and few to gain. But have we much more advantage of this kind in the other? I think not. Upon these , and upon most occasions, the multitude would do at leaſt as well to trust to chance as choice, and to their fortune as to their judgment.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 89-90

*To conclude this head therefore, as I think a ''limited monarchy'' the best of governments, so I think an ''hereditary monarchy'' the best of monarchies. I said a ''limited monarchy''; for an ''unlimited monarchy'', wherein arbitrary will, which is in truth no rule, is however the sole rule, or stands instead of all rule of government, is so great an absurdity, both in reason informed or uninformed by experience, that it seems a government fitter for savages than for civilized people.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 91-92

*Among many reasons which determine me to prefer ''monarchy'' to every form of government, this is a principal one. When monarchy is the essential form, it may be more easily and more usefully ''tempered'' with ''aristocracy'' or ''democracy'', or both, than either of them, when they are the essential forms, can be ''tempered'' with ''monarchy''. It seems to me, that the introduction of a real permanent monarchical power, or any thing more than the pageantry of it, into either of these, must destroy them and extinguish them, as a great light extinguishes a less. Where it may easily be shewn, and the true form of our government will demonstrate, without seeking any other example, that very considerable ''aristocratical'' and ''democratical powers'' may be grafted on a ''monarchical stock'', without diminishing the lustre, or restraining the power and authority of the prince, enough to alter in any degree the essential form.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 92-93

*There must be an absolute, unlimited, and uncontroulable power lodged ''somewhere'' in every government; but to constitute monarchy, or the government of a single person, it is not necessary that this power should be lodged in the monarch ''alone''. 
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 93

*There are ''limitations'' indeed that would destroy the ''essential form'' of monarchy: or, in other words, a monarchical constitution may be changed, under pretence of limiting the monarch. This happened among us in the last century, when the vilest usurpation, and the most infamous tyranny, were established over our nation, by some of the worst and some of the meanest men in it. I will not day, that the ''essential form'' of monarchy should be preserved, tho the preservation of it were to cause the loss of ''liberty''. ''Salus reipsuprema lex esto'', is a fundamental law: and sure I am, the ''safety'' of a commonwealth is ill provided for, if the ''liberty'' be given up. But this I presume to say, and can demonstrate, that ''all'' the limitations necessary to preserve liberty, as long as the ''spirit'' of it subsists, and longer than that, no limitations of monarchy, nor any other form of government, can preserve it, are ''compatible'' with monarchy.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 96

*My aim is to fix this principle, that ''limitations'' on a crown ought to be carried ''as far'' as it is necessary to secure the liberties of a people; and that all ''such limitations'' may subsist, without weakening or endangering monarchy.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 97

*As soon as corruption ceases to be an expedient of government, and it will cease to be such as soon as a patriot king is raised to the throne, the ''panacea'' is applied: the spirit of the constitution revives of course; and as fast as it revives, the orders and forms of the constitution are restored to their primitive integrity, and become what they were intended to be; ''real barriers'' against arbitrary power, not ''blinds'' nor ''masks'' under which tyranny may lie concealed. Depravation of manners exposed the constitution to ruin; reformation will secure it.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 134

*A patriot king is the most powerful of all reformers; for he is himſelf a sort of standing miracle, so rarely seen and so little understood, that the sure effects of his appearance will be admiration and love in every honest breast, confusion and terror to every guilty conscience, but submission and resignation in all. A new people will seem to arise with a new king. In numerable metamorphoses, like those which poets feign, will happen in very deed: and while men are conscious that they are the same individuals, the difference of their sentiments will almost persuade them that they are changed into different beings.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 135

*By the principles of the [[Glorious Revolution|Revolution]], a subject may resist, no doubt, the prince who endeavours to ruin and enslave his people, and may push this resistance to the dethronement and exclusion of him and his race: but will it follow, that, because we may justly take arms against a prince whose right to govern we once acknowledged, and who by subsequent acts has forfeited that right, we may swear to a right we do not acknowledge, and resist a prince whose conduct has not forfeited the right we swore to, nor given any just dispensation from our oaths?
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 171

*The situation of ''Great Britain'', the character of her people, and the nature of her government fit her for trade and commerce. Her climate and her soil make them necessary to her well being. By trade and commerce we grew a rich and powerful nation, and by their decay we are growing poor and impotent. As trade and commerce enrich, so they fortify our country. The sea is our barrier, ships are our fortresses, and the mariners, that trade and commerce alone can furnish, are the garrisons to defend them.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 184-185

*The ''French'' may improve their natural wealth and power by the improvement of trade and commerce. We can have no wealth, nor power by consequence, as ''Europe'' is now constituted, without the improvement of them, nor in any degree but proportionably to this improvement.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 186

*The result of what has been said is, ''in general'', that the wealth and power of all nations depending so much on their trade and commerce, and every nation being...in such different circumstances of advantage or disadvantage in the pursuit of this common interest; a good government, and therefore the government of a patriot king , will be directed constantly to make the most of every advantage that nature has given, or art can procure towards the improvement of trade and commerce. And this is one of the principal criterions, by which we are to judge whether governors are in the true interest of the people, or not.&lt;br&gt;It results, ''in particular'', that ''Great Britain'' might improve her wealth and power in a proportion superior to that of any nation who can be deemed her rival, if the advantages she has were as wisely cultivated, as they will be in the reign of a patriot king.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 186-187

*A patriot king will neither neglect, nor sacrifice his country's interest. No other interest, neither a foreign nor a domestic, neither a public nor a private, will influence his conduct in government... To give ease and encouragement to manufactory at home, to assist and protect trade abroad, to improve and keep in heart the national colonies, like so many farms of the mother-country, will be principal and constant parts of the attention of such a prince.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 190-191

*By a continual attention to improve her natural, that is her maritime strength, by collecting all her forces with in herself, and reserving them to be laid out on great occasions, such as regard her immediate interests and her honour, or such as are truly important to the general system of power in ''Europe''; she may be the ''arbitrator'' of ''differences'', the ''guardian'' of ''liberty'', and the ''preserver'' of that ''[[w:Balance of power (international relations)|Balance]]'', which has been so much talked of, and is so little underſtood.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 193-194

*Like other amphibious animals, we must come occasionally on shore: but the water is more properly our element, and in it, like them, as we find our greatest security, so we exert our greatest force.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 195

*In his place, concord will appear, brooding peace and prosperity on the happy land; joy fitting in every face, content in every heart; a people unoppressed, undisturbed, unalarmed; busy to improve their private property and the public stock; fleets covering the ocean; bringing home wealth by the returns of industry; carrying assistance or terror abroad by the direction of wisdom; and asserting triumphantly the right and the honour of ''Great Britain'', as far as waters roll and as winds can waft them.&lt;br&gt;Those who live to see such happy days, and to act in so glorious a scene, will perhaps call to mind with some tenderness of sentiment, when he is no more, a ''man'', who contributed his mite to carry on so good a work, and who desired life for nothing so much, as to see a king of ''Great Britain'' the most popular man in his country, and a ''patriot king'' at the head of an united people.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 225-226

* We are born too late to see the beginning, and we did too soon to see the end of many things.
** ''On the Study and Use of History''

* I have read somewhere or other, — in [[w:Dionysius of Halicarnassus|Dionysius of Halicarnassus]], I think, — that history is philosophy teaching by examples.
** ''On the Study and Use of History'', letter 2; in fact this relates to a third-century AD treatise on rhetoric, wrongly attributed to Dionysius of Halicarnassus, which says (xi. 2): &quot;The contact with manners then is education; and this Thucydides appears to assert when he says history is philosophy learned from examples&quot;. The line is not found in Thucydides.

* Nations, like men, have their infancy.
** ''On the Study and Use of History'', letter 4 (1752)

* They ([[w:Thucydides|Thucydides]] and [[w:Xenophon|Xenophon]]) maintained the dignity of history.
** ''On the Study and Use of History'', letter 5 (1752); compare [[Henry Fielding]], ''Tom Jones'', book xi. chap. ii.; [[Horace Walpole]], ''Advertisement to Letter to Sir Horace Mann''; [[Thomas Babington Macaulay, 1st Baron Macaulay|Thomas Babington Macaulay]], ''History of England'', vol. i. chap. i.

* The landed men are the true owners of our political vessel, the moneyed men are no more than passengers in it.
** ''Some Reflections on the Present State of the Nation'' (1753)

* The second proposition admits and encourages the very practice we censure so justly, for which the saint [ [[Augustine of Hippo]] ] was so famous, and by which he contributed so much to promote contentions in his own days, and to perpetuate them to ours. The practice of deducing doctrines from the scriptures that are not evidently contained in them... Who does not see that the direct tendency of this practice is exactly the same as the event has proved it to be? It composes and propagates a religion, seemingly under the authority of God, but really under that of man. The principles of [[revelation]] are lost in [[theology]], or disfigured by it: and whilst some men are impudent enough to pretend, others are silly enough to believe, that they adhere to the [[gospel]], and maintain the cause of God against infidels and heretics, when they do nothing better, nor more, than espouse the conceits of men, whom enthusiasm, or the ambition of forming sects, or of making a great figure in them, has inspired. If you ask now what the practice of the [[w:Church Fathers|christian fathers]], and of other divines, should have been, in order to preserve the purity of faith, and to promote peace and charity, the answer is obvious... They should have adhered to the word of God: they should have paid no regard to [[w:Ancient Greek philosophy|heathen philosophy]], [[Judaism|jewish]] [[w:Kabbalah|cabala]], the sallies of enthusiasm, or the refinements of human ingenuity: they should have embraced, and held fast the articles of faith and doctrine, that were delivered in plain terms, or in unequivocal figures: they should not have been [[w:Dogma|dogmatical]] where the sense was doubtful, nor have presumed even to guess where the [[w:Holy Spirit (Christianity)|Holy Ghost]] left the veil of mystery undrawn.
** [http://books.google.com/books?id=E6ATAAAAQAAJ ''Lord Bolingbroke's Philosophical Works''] (1754) Vol.III, Essay IV, Sect XVI

* It is the modest, not the presumptuous, inquirer who makes a real and safe progress in the discovery of divine truths. One follows Nature and Nature's God; that is, he follows God in his works and in his word.
** Letter to [[Alexander Pope]]; compare: &quot;Slave to no sect, who takes no private road, But looks through Nature up to Nature’s God&quot;, [[Alexander Pope]], ''Essay on Man'', epistle iv. line 331.

* The shortest and surest way of arriving at real knowledge is to unlearn the lessons we have been taught, to mount the first principles, and take nobody's word about them.
** As quoted in ''Treasury of Wisdom, Wit and Humor, Odd Comparisons and Proverbs'' (1891) by Adam Woolever

==Quotes about Bolingbroke==
*Who now reads Bolingbroke? Who ever read him through? ... I do not often quote Bolingbroke, nor have his works in general, left any permanent impression on my mind. He is a presumptuousness and a superficial writer. But he has one observation, which in my opinion, is not without depth and solidity. He says, that he prefers a monarchy to other governments; because you can better ingraft any description of republic on a monarchy than any thing of monarchy upon the republican forms. I think him perfectly in the right. 
**[[Edmund Burke]], ''[[Reflections on the Revolution in France]]'' (1790), pp. 133, 187

*He engaged young, and distinguished himself in business; and his penetration was almost intuition. I am old enough to have heard him speak in parliament. And I remember that, though prejudiced against him by party, I felt all the force and charms of his eloquence. Like Belial in [[John Milton|Milton]], “he made the worse appear the better cause.” All the internal and external advantages and talents of an orator are undoubtedly his. Figure, voice, elocution, knowledge, and, above all, the purest and most florid diction, with the justest metaphors and happiest images, had raised him to the post of Secretary at War, at four-and-twenty years old, an age at which others are hardly thought fit for the smallest employments. 
**[[Philip Stanhope, 4th Earl of Chesterfield|Earl of Chesterfield]] to his son (12 December 1749) quoted in ''Letters Written By The Late Right Honourable Philip Dormer Stanhope, Earl Of Chesterfield, To His Son, Philip Stanhope, Esq. Late Envoy-Extraordinary At The Court Of Dresden: Together with Several Other Pieces On Various Subjects: In Four Volumes, Volume II'' (1792), p. 292

*Lord Bolingbroke, one of the ablest men who ever lived, was a firm and uncompromising Tory, and he advocated triennial Parliaments. He said that without this there was no security for the people, no integrity for the constitution.
**[[Benjamin Disraeli]], speech in High Wycombe (27 November 1832), quoted in  ''Selected Speeches of the late Right Honourable the Earl of Beaconsfield: Volume II'', ed. T. E. Kebbel (1882), p. 7

*He was called indeed a tory; but his writings prove him a stronger advocate for liberty than any of his countrymen, the whigs of the present day. Irritated by his exile, he committed one act unworthy of him, in connecting himself momentarily with a prince rejected by his country. But he redeemed that single act by his establishment of the principles which proved it to be wrong. ... Lord Bolingbroke's...is a style of the highest order. The lofty, rhythmical, full-flowing eloquence of [[Cicero]]. Periods of just measure, their members proportioned, their close full and round. His conceptions, too, are bold and strong, his diction copious, polished and commanding as his subject. His writings are certainly the finest samples in the English language, of the eloquence proper for the Senate. His political tracts are safe reading for the most timid religionist, his philosophical, for those who are not afraid to trust their reason with discussions of right and wrong. 
**[[Thomas Jefferson]] to Francis Eppes (19 January 1821), quoted in Thomas Jefferson, ''Writings'', ed. Merrill D. Peterson (1984), p. 1451

*I think Mr. secretary St. John the greatest young man I ever knew: wit, capacity, beauty, quickness of apprehension, good learning, and an excellent taste; the best orator in the house of commons, admirable conversation, good nature, and good manners; generous, and a despiser of money. His only fault is, talking to his friends in way of complaint of too great load of business, which looks a little like affectation; and he endeavours too much to mix the fine gentleman, and the man of pleasure, with the man of business. What truth and sincerity he may have, I know not.
**[[Jonathan Swift]], Letter XXXIII (23 October 1711), ''[[w:A Journal to Stella|A Journal to Stella]]'', quoted in ''The Works of Jonathan Swift, containing additional letters, tracts, and poems, with notes, and a life of the author, by W. Scott, Volume II'' (1824), pp. 405–406

*[T]he accomplishments of his mind, which was adorned with the choicest gifts that God has yet thought fit to bestow upon the children of men; a strong memory, a clear judgment, a vast range of wit and fancy, a thorough comprehension, an invincible eloquence, with a most agreeable elocution.
**[[Jonathan Swift]], ''An Inquiry into the Behaviour of the Queen's last Ministry, &amp;c.'' (June 1715), quoted ''The Works of the Rev. Jonathan Swift, Volume 4'', ed. Thomas Sheridan (1801), in p. 310

== External links==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
* [http://www.eighteenthcenturypoetry.org/authors/pers00082.shtml Henry St John, 1st Viscount Bolingbroke at the Eighteenth-Century Poetry Archive (ECPA)]
* {{Gutenberg author |id=Bolingbroke,+Henry+St.+John,+Viscount}}
* [http://www.berkshirehistory.com/bios/hstjohn_vbol.html Royal Berkshire History: Henry St John, Viscount Bolingbroke]
{{Social and political philosophers}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Bolingbroke, Henry Saint John, 1st Viscount}}
[[Category:Academics from the United Kingdom]]
[[Category:Philosophers from England]]
[[Category:1678 births]]
[[Category:1751 deaths]]
[[Category:People from London]]
[[Category:Tory (British political party) politicians]]
[[Category:Critics of religion]]</text>
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      <text bytes="33269" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Henry St John, 1st Viscount Bolingbroke (1678-1751).jpg |thumb|It is the [[modest]], not the [[presumptuous]], inquirer who makes a [[real]] and [[safe]] [[progress]] in the [[discovery]] of [[divine]] [[truths]].]]
[[File:1stViscountBolingbroke.jpg|thumb|[[Truth]] lies within a little and certain compass, but [[error]] is immense.]]
'''[[w:Henry St John, 1st Viscount Bolingbroke|Henry St John, 1st Viscount Bolingbroke]]''' ([[September 16]], [[1678]] – [[December 12]], [[1751]]) was an English statesman and philosopher.

== Quotes ==
*You may observe yourself...what a difference there is between the true strength of this nation and the fictitious one of the [[Whigs (British political party)|Whigs]]. How much time, how many lucky incidents, how many strains of power, how much money must go to create a majority of the latter; on the other hand, take but off the opinion that the Crown is another way inclined, the church interest rises with redoubled force, and by its natural genuine strength.
**Letter to Mr. Drummond (10 November 1710), quoted in Gilbert Parke, ''Letters and Correspondence, Public and Private, of The Right Honourable Henry St. John, Lord Visc. Bolingbroke; during the Time he was Secretary of State to Queen Anne; with State Papers, Explanatory Notes, and a Translation of the Foreign Letters, &amp;c.: Vol. I'' (1798), pp. 16–17

* '''Truth lies within a little and certain compass, but error is immense.'''
** ''Reflections upon Exile'' (1716)

*The manners of our fore-fathers were, I believe, in many respects better: they had more probity perhaps, they had certainly more show of honour, and greater industry.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 18

*One party [the [[Whigs (British political party)|Whigs]]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt; had given their whole attention, during several years, to the project of enriching themselves, and impoverishing the rest of the nation; and, by these and other means, of establishing their dominion under the government and with the favour of a family, who were foreigners, and therefore might believe, that they were established on the throne by the good will and strength of this party alone. This party in general were so intent on these views, and many of them, I fear, are so still, that they did not advert in time to the necessary consequences of the measures they abetted: nor did they confider, that the power they raised, and by which they hoped to govern their country, would govern them with the very rod of iron they forged, and would be the power of a prince or minister, not that of a party long.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 20-21

*Another party [the [[w:Tories (British political party)|Tories]]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt; continued sour, sullen, and inactive, with judgments so weak, and passions so strong, that even experience, and a severe one surely, was lost upon them. They waited, like the ''Jews'', for a ''Messiah'', that may never come; and under whom, if he did come, they would be strangely disappointed in their expectations of glory and triumph, and universal dominion. Whilst they waited, they were marked out like the ''Jews'', a distinct race, hewers of wood and drawers of water, scarce members of the community, tho born in the country.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 21-22

*The service of our country is no chimerical, but a real duty. He who admits the proofs of any other moral duty, drawn from the constitution of human nature, or from the moral fitness and unfitness of things, must admit them in favour of this duty, or be reduced to the most absurd inconsistency.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 27-28

*To what higher station, to what greater glory can any mortal aspire, than to be, during the whole course of his life, the support of good, the controul of bad government, and the guardian of public liberty? 
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 29

*Neither [[Michel de Montaigne|Montaigne]] in writing his essays, nor [[René Descartes|DesCartes]] in building new worlds, nor [[Thomas Burnet|Burnet]] in framing an antedeluvian earth, no nor [[Isaac Newton|Newton]] in discovering and establishing the true laws of nature on experiment and a sublimer geometry, felt more intellectual joys; than he feels who is a ''real patriot'', who bends all the force of his understanding, and directs all his thoughts and actions, to the good of his country.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 31

*[[w:Henry Hyde, Viscount Cornbury|My Lord]], I have insisted the more on this duty which men owe to their country, because I came out of ''England'', and continue still, strongly affected with what I saw when I was there. Our government has approached, nearer than ever before, to the true principles of it, since the [[Glorious Revolution|revolution of one thousand six hundred and eighty eight]]: and the accession of the [[w:House of Hanover|present family]] to the throne, has given the fairest opportunities, as well as the justest reasons, for compleating the scheme of liberty, and improving it to perfection. 
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 36-37

*[N]o human institution can arrive at perfection, and the most that human wisdom can do, is to procure the same or greater good, at the expence of less evil.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 45

*There have been periods when our government continued free, with strong appearances of becoming absolute. Let it be your glory, my Lord, and that of the new generation springing up with you, that this government do not become absolute at any future period, with the appearances of being free.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 46

*I think, and every wise and honest man in generations yet unborn will think, if the history of [thi]s administration descends to blacken our annals, that the greatest iniquity of the minister &lt;nowiki&gt;[&lt;/nowiki&gt;[[Robert Walpole]]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt;, on whom the whole iniquity ought to be charged, since he has been so long in possession of the whole power, is the constant endeavour he has employed to corrupt the ''morals'' of ''men''.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 68-69

*The minister &lt;nowiki&gt;[&lt;/nowiki&gt;[[Robert Walpole]]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt; preaches corruption aloud and constantly, like an impudent missionary of vice.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 72

*It seems to me, upon the whole matter, that to save or redeem a nation under such circumstances from perdition, nothing less is necessary than some great, some extraordinary conjuncture of ill fortune, or of good , which may ''purge'', yet ''so as by fire''. Distress from abroad, bankruptcy at home, and other circumstances of like nature and tendency, may beget universal confusion. Out of confusion order may arise: but it may be the order of a wicked tyranny, instead of the order of a just monarchy. Either may happen: and such an alternative, at the disposition of fortune, is sufficient to make a [[w:Stoic|stoic]] tremble! We may be saved indeed by means of a very different kind; but these means will not offer themselves, this way of salvation will not be opened to us, without the concurrence, and the influence of a P&lt;small&gt;ATRIOT&lt;/small&gt; K&lt;small&gt;ING&lt;/small&gt;, the most uncommon of all phænomena in the physical or moral world. Nothing can so surely and so effectually restore the virtue and public spirit, essential to the preservation of liberty, and national prosperity, as the reign of ſuch a prince.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 72-73

*I esteem monarchy above any other form of government, and hereditary monarchy above elective. I reverence kings, their office, their rights, their persons; and it will never be owing to the ''principles'' I am going to establish, because the character and government of a ''patriot king'' can be eatabliahed on no other, if their ''office'' and their ''right'' are not always held ''divine'', and their persons always ''sacred''.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 83-84

*The obligation of submission to both, is discoverable by so clear and so simple an use of our intellectual faculties, that it may be ſaid properly enough to be ''revealed to us by God''; and tho ''both'' these laws cannot be said properly to be given by Him, yet our obligation to ſubmit to the ''civil'' law is a principal paragraph in the ''natural'' law, which he has most manifestly given us. 
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 84-85

*It follows, therefore, that he who breaks the ''laws of his country'' resists the ''ordinance of God'', that is, the law of his nature. God has instituted neither monarchy, nor aristocracy, nor democracy, nor mixed government: but tho God has instituted no particular form of government among men, yet by the general laws of his kingdom, he exacts our obedience to the laws of those communities to which each of us is attached by birth, or to which we may be attached by a subsequent and lawful engagement.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 85-86

*Nothing can be more absurd, in pure ''speculation'', than an hereditary right in any mortal to govern other men: and yet, in ''practice'', nothing can be more absurd than to have a king to choose at every vacancy of a throne. We draw at a ''lottery'' indeed in one case, where there are many chances to lose, and few to gain. But have we much more advantage of this kind in the other? I think not. Upon these , and upon most occasions, the multitude would do at leaſt as well to trust to chance as choice, and to their fortune as to their judgment.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 89-90

*To conclude this head therefore, as I think a ''limited monarchy'' the best of governments, so I think an ''hereditary monarchy'' the best of monarchies. I said a ''limited monarchy''; for an ''unlimited monarchy'', wherein arbitrary will, which is in truth no rule, is however the sole rule, or stands instead of all rule of government, is so great an absurdity, both in reason informed or uninformed by experience, that it seems a government fitter for savages than for civilized people.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 91-92

*Among many reasons which determine me to prefer ''monarchy'' to every form of government, this is a principal one. When monarchy is the essential form, it may be more easily and more usefully ''tempered'' with ''aristocracy'' or ''democracy'', or both, than either of them, when they are the essential forms, can be ''tempered'' with ''monarchy''. It seems to me, that the introduction of a real permanent monarchical power, or any thing more than the pageantry of it, into either of these, must destroy them and extinguish them, as a great light extinguishes a less. Where it may easily be shewn, and the true form of our government will demonstrate, without seeking any other example, that very considerable ''aristocratical'' and ''democratical powers'' may be grafted on a ''monarchical stock'', without diminishing the lustre, or restraining the power and authority of the prince, enough to alter in any degree the essential form.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 92-93

*There must be an absolute, unlimited, and uncontroulable power lodged ''somewhere'' in every government; but to constitute monarchy, or the government of a single person, it is not necessary that this power should be lodged in the monarch ''alone''. 
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 93

*There are ''limitations'' indeed that would destroy the ''essential form'' of monarchy: or, in other words, a monarchical constitution may be changed, under pretence of limiting the monarch. This happened among us in the last century, when the vilest usurpation, and the most infamous tyranny, were established over our nation, by some of the worst and some of the meanest men in it. I will not day, that the ''essential form'' of monarchy should be preserved, tho the preservation of it were to cause the loss of ''liberty''. ''Salus reipsuprema lex esto'', is a fundamental law: and sure I am, the ''safety'' of a commonwealth is ill provided for, if the ''liberty'' be given up. But this I presume to say, and can demonstrate, that ''all'' the limitations necessary to preserve liberty, as long as the ''spirit'' of it subsists, and longer than that, no limitations of monarchy, nor any other form of government, can preserve it, are ''compatible'' with monarchy.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 96

*My aim is to fix this principle, that ''limitations'' on a crown ought to be carried ''as far'' as it is necessary to secure the liberties of a people; and that all ''such limitations'' may subsist, without weakening or endangering monarchy.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 97

*As soon as corruption ceases to be an expedient of government, and it will cease to be such as soon as a patriot king is raised to the throne, the ''panacea'' is applied: the spirit of the constitution revives of course; and as fast as it revives, the orders and forms of the constitution are restored to their primitive integrity, and become what they were intended to be; ''real barriers'' against arbitrary power, not ''blinds'' nor ''masks'' under which tyranny may lie concealed. Depravation of manners exposed the constitution to ruin; reformation will secure it.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 134

*A patriot king is the most powerful of all reformers; for he is himſelf a sort of standing miracle, so rarely seen and so little understood, that the sure effects of his appearance will be admiration and love in every honest breast, confusion and terror to every guilty conscience, but submission and resignation in all. A new people will seem to arise with a new king. In numerable metamorphoses, like those which poets feign, will happen in very deed: and while men are conscious that they are the same individuals, the difference of their sentiments will almost persuade them that they are changed into different beings.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 135

*By the principles of the [[Glorious Revolution|Revolution]], a subject may resist, no doubt, the prince who endeavours to ruin and enslave his people, and may push this resistance to the dethronement and exclusion of him and his race: but will it follow, that, because we may justly take arms against a prince whose right to govern we once acknowledged, and who by subsequent acts has forfeited that right, we may swear to a right we do not acknowledge, and resist a prince whose conduct has not forfeited the right we swore to, nor given any just dispensation from our oaths?
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 171

*The situation of ''Great Britain'', the character of her people, and the nature of her government fit her for trade and commerce. Her climate and her soil make them necessary to her well being. By trade and commerce we grew a rich and powerful nation, and by their decay we are growing poor and impotent. As trade and commerce enrich, so they fortify our country. The sea is our barrier, ships are our fortresses, and the mariners, that trade and commerce alone can furnish, are the garrisons to defend them.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 184-185

*The ''French'' may improve their natural wealth and power by the improvement of trade and commerce. We can have no wealth, nor power by consequence, as ''Europe'' is now constituted, without the improvement of them, nor in any degree but proportionably to this improvement.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 186

*The result of what has been said is, ''in general'', that the wealth and power of all nations depending so much on their trade and commerce, and every nation being...in such different circumstances of advantage or disadvantage in the pursuit of this common interest; a good government, and therefore the government of a patriot king , will be directed constantly to make the most of every advantage that nature has given, or art can procure towards the improvement of trade and commerce. And this is one of the principal criterions, by which we are to judge whether governors are in the true interest of the people, or not.&lt;br&gt;It results, ''in particular'', that ''Great Britain'' might improve her wealth and power in a proportion superior to that of any nation who can be deemed her rival, if the advantages she has were as wisely cultivated, as they will be in the reign of a patriot king.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 186-187

*A patriot king will neither neglect, nor sacrifice his country's interest. No other interest, neither a foreign nor a domestic, neither a public nor a private, will influence his conduct in government... To give ease and encouragement to manufactory at home, to assist and protect trade abroad, to improve and keep in heart the national colonies, like so many farms of the mother-country, will be principal and constant parts of the attention of such a prince.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 190-191

*By a continual attention to improve her natural, that is her maritime strength, by collecting all her forces with in herself, and reserving them to be laid out on great occasions, such as regard her immediate interests and her honour, or such as are truly important to the general system of power in ''Europe''; she may be the ''arbitrator'' of ''differences'', the ''guardian'' of ''liberty'', and the ''preserver'' of that ''[[w:Balance of power (international relations)|Balance]]'', which has been so much talked of, and is so little underſtood.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 193-194

*Like other amphibious animals, we must come occasionally on shore: but the water is more properly our element, and in it, like them, as we find our greatest security, so we exert our greatest force.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 195

*In his place, concord will appear, brooding peace and prosperity on the happy land; joy fitting in every face, content in every heart; a people unoppressed, undisturbed, unalarmed; busy to improve their private property and the public stock; fleets covering the ocean; bringing home wealth by the returns of industry; carrying assistance or terror abroad by the direction of wisdom; and asserting triumphantly the right and the honour of ''Great Britain'', as far as waters roll and as winds can waft them.&lt;br&gt;Those who live to see such happy days, and to act in so glorious a scene, will perhaps call to mind with some tenderness of sentiment, when he is no more, a ''man'', who contributed his mite to carry on so good a work, and who desired life for nothing so much, as to see a king of ''Great Britain'' the most popular man in his country, and a ''patriot king'' at the head of an united people.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 225-226

* We are born too late to see the beginning, and we did too soon to see the end of many things.
** ''On the Study and Use of History''

* I have read somewhere or other, — in [[w:Dionysius of Halicarnassus|Dionysius of Halicarnassus]], I think, — that history is philosophy teaching by examples.
** ''On the Study and Use of History'', letter 2; in fact this relates to a third-century AD treatise on rhetoric, wrongly attributed to Dionysius of Halicarnassus, which says (xi. 2): &quot;The contact with manners then is education; and this Thucydides appears to assert when he says history is philosophy learned from examples&quot;. The line is not found in Thucydides.

* Nations, like men, have their infancy.
** ''On the Study and Use of History'', letter 4 (1752)

* They ([[w:Thucydides|Thucydides]] and [[w:Xenophon|Xenophon]]) maintained the dignity of history.
** ''On the Study and Use of History'', letter 5 (1752); compare [[Henry Fielding]], ''Tom Jones'', book xi. chap. ii.; [[Horace Walpole]], ''Advertisement to Letter to Sir Horace Mann''; [[Thomas Babington Macaulay, 1st Baron Macaulay|Thomas Babington Macaulay]], ''History of England'', vol. i. chap. i.

* The landed men are the true owners of our political vessel, the moneyed men are no more than passengers in it.
** ''Some Reflections on the Present State of the Nation'' (1753)

* The second proposition admits and encourages the very practice we censure so justly, for which the saint [ [[Augustine of Hippo]] ] was so famous, and by which he contributed so much to promote contentions in his own days, and to perpetuate them to ours. The practice of deducing doctrines from the scriptures that are not evidently contained in them... Who does not see that the direct tendency of this practice is exactly the same as the event has proved it to be? It composes and propagates a religion, seemingly under the authority of God, but really under that of man. The principles of [[revelation]] are lost in [[theology]], or disfigured by it: and whilst some men are impudent enough to pretend, others are silly enough to believe, that they adhere to the [[gospel]], and maintain the cause of God against infidels and heretics, when they do nothing better, nor more, than espouse the conceits of men, whom enthusiasm, or the ambition of forming sects, or of making a great figure in them, has inspired. If you ask now what the practice of the [[w:Church Fathers|christian fathers]], and of other divines, should have been, in order to preserve the purity of faith, and to promote peace and charity, the answer is obvious... They should have adhered to the word of God: they should have paid no regard to [[w:Ancient Greek philosophy|heathen philosophy]], [[Judaism|jewish]] [[w:Kabbalah|cabala]], the sallies of enthusiasm, or the refinements of human ingenuity: they should have embraced, and held fast the articles of faith and doctrine, that were delivered in plain terms, or in unequivocal figures: they should not have been [[w:Dogma|dogmatical]] where the sense was doubtful, nor have presumed even to guess where the [[w:Holy Spirit (Christianity)|Holy Ghost]] left the veil of mystery undrawn.
** [http://books.google.com/books?id=E6ATAAAAQAAJ ''Lord Bolingbroke's Philosophical Works''] (1754) Vol.III, Essay IV, Sect XVI

* It is the modest, not the presumptuous, inquirer who makes a real and safe progress in the discovery of divine truths. One follows Nature and Nature's God; that is, he follows God in his works and in his word.
** Letter to [[Alexander Pope]]; compare: &quot;Slave to no sect, who takes no private road, But looks through Nature up to Nature’s God&quot;, [[Alexander Pope]], ''Essay on Man'', epistle iv. line 331.

* The shortest and surest way of arriving at real knowledge is to unlearn the lessons we have been taught, to mount the first principles, and take nobody's word about them.
** As quoted in ''Treasury of Wisdom, Wit and Humor, Odd Comparisons and Proverbs'' (1891) by Adam Woolever

==Quotes about Bolingbroke==
*Who now reads Bolingbroke? Who ever read him through? ... I do not often quote Bolingbroke, nor have his works in general, left any permanent impression on my mind. He is a presumptuousness and a superficial writer. But he has one observation, which in my opinion, is not without depth and solidity. He says, that he prefers a monarchy to other governments; because you can better ingraft any description of republic on a monarchy than any thing of monarchy upon the republican forms. I think him perfectly in the right. 
**[[Edmund Burke]], ''[[Reflections on the Revolution in France]]'' (1790), pp. 133, 187

*He engaged young, and distinguished himself in business; and his penetration was almost intuition. I am old enough to have heard him speak in parliament. And I remember that, though prejudiced against him by party, I felt all the force and charms of his eloquence. Like Belial in [[John Milton|Milton]], “he made the worse appear the better cause.” All the internal and external advantages and talents of an orator are undoubtedly his. Figure, voice, elocution, knowledge, and, above all, the purest and most florid diction, with the justest metaphors and happiest images, had raised him to the post of Secretary at War, at four-and-twenty years old, an age at which others are hardly thought fit for the smallest employments. 
**[[Philip Stanhope, 4th Earl of Chesterfield|Earl of Chesterfield]] to his son (12 December 1749) quoted in ''Letters Written By The Late Right Honourable Philip Dormer Stanhope, Earl Of Chesterfield, To His Son, Philip Stanhope, Esq. Late Envoy-Extraordinary At The Court Of Dresden: Together with Several Other Pieces On Various Subjects: In Four Volumes, Volume II'' (1792), p. 292

*Lord Bolingbroke, one of the ablest men who ever lived, was a firm and uncompromising Tory, and he advocated triennial Parliaments. He said that without this there was no security for the people, no integrity for the constitution.
**[[Benjamin Disraeli]], speech in High Wycombe (27 November 1832), quoted in  ''Selected Speeches of the late Right Honourable the Earl of Beaconsfield: Volume II'', ed. T. E. Kebbel (1882), p. 7

*He was called indeed a tory; but his writings prove him a stronger advocate for liberty than any of his countrymen, the whigs of the present day. Irritated by his exile, he committed one act unworthy of him, in connecting himself momentarily with a prince rejected by his country. But he redeemed that single act by his establishment of the principles which proved it to be wrong. ... Lord Bolingbroke's...is a style of the highest order. The lofty, rhythmical, full-flowing eloquence of [[Cicero]]. Periods of just measure, their members proportioned, their close full and round. His conceptions, too, are bold and strong, his diction copious, polished and commanding as his subject. His writings are certainly the finest samples in the English language, of the eloquence proper for the Senate. His political tracts are safe reading for the most timid religionist, his philosophical, for those who are not afraid to trust their reason with discussions of right and wrong. 
**[[Thomas Jefferson]] to Francis Eppes (19 January 1821), quoted in Thomas Jefferson, ''Writings'', ed. Merrill D. Peterson (1984), p. 1451

*I think Mr. secretary St. John the greatest young man I ever knew: wit, capacity, beauty, quickness of apprehension, good learning, and an excellent taste; the best orator in the house of commons, admirable conversation, good nature, and good manners; generous, and a despiser of money. His only fault is, talking to his friends in way of complaint of too great load of business, which looks a little like affectation; and he endeavours too much to mix the fine gentleman, and the man of pleasure, with the man of business. What truth and sincerity he may have, I know not.
**[[Jonathan Swift]], Letter XXXIII (23 October 1711), ''[[w:A Journal to Stella|A Journal to Stella]]'', quoted in ''The Works of Jonathan Swift, containing additional letters, tracts, and poems, with notes, and a life of the author, by W. Scott, Volume II'' (1824), pp. 405–406

*[T]he accomplishments of his mind, which was adorned with the choicest gifts that God has yet thought fit to bestow upon the children of men; a strong memory, a clear judgment, a vast range of wit and fancy, a thorough comprehension, an invincible eloquence, with a most agreeable elocution.
**[[Jonathan Swift]], ''An Inquiry into the Behaviour of the Queen's last Ministry, &amp;c.'' (June 1715), quoted ''The Works of the Rev. Jonathan Swift, Volume 4'', ed. Thomas Sheridan (1801), in p. 310

== External links==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
* [http://www.eighteenthcenturypoetry.org/authors/pers00082.shtml Henry St John, 1st Viscount Bolingbroke at the Eighteenth-Century Poetry Archive (ECPA)]
* {{Gutenberg author |id=Bolingbroke,+Henry+St.+John,+Viscount}}
* [http://www.berkshirehistory.com/bios/hstjohn_vbol.html Royal Berkshire History: Henry St John, Viscount Bolingbroke]
{{Social and political philosophers}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Bolingbroke, Henry Saint John, 1st Viscount}}
[[Category:Academics from the United Kingdom]]
[[Category:Philosophers from England]]
[[Category:1678 births]]
[[Category:1751 deaths]]
[[Category:People from London]]
[[Category:Tory (British political party) politicians]]
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      <text bytes="33268" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Henry St John, 1st Viscount Bolingbroke (1678-1751).jpg |thumb|It is the [[modest]], not the [[presumptuous]], inquirer who makes a [[real]] and [[safe]] [[progress]] in the [[discovery]] of [[divine]] [[truths]].]]
[[File:1stViscountBolingbroke.jpg|thumb|[[Truth]] lies within a little and certain compass, but [[error]] is immense.]]
'''[[w:Henry St John, 1st Viscount Bolingbroke|Henry St John, 1st Viscount Bolingbroke]]''' ([[September 16]], [[1678]] – [[December 12]], [[1751]]) was an English statesman and philosopher.

== Quotes ==
*You may observe yourself...what a difference there is between the true strength of this nation and the fictitious one of the [[Whigs (British political party)|Whigs]]. How much time, how many lucky incidents, how many strains of power, how much money must go to create a majority of the latter; on the other hand, take but off the opinion that the Crown is another way inclined, the church interest rises with redoubled force, and by its natural genuine strength.
**Letter to Mr. Drummond (10 November 1710), quoted in Gilbert Parke, ''Letters and Correspondence, Public and Private, of The Right Honourable Henry St. John, Lord Visc. Bolingbroke; during the Time he was Secretary of State to Queen Anne; with State Papers, Explanatory Notes, and a Translation of the Foreign Letters, &amp;c.: Vol. I'' (1798), pp. 16–17

* '''Truth lies within a little and certain compass, but error is immense.'''
** ''Reflections upon Exile'' (1716)

*The manners of our fore-fathers were, I believe, in many respects better: they had more probity perhaps, they had certainly more show of honour, and greater industry.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 18

*One party [the [[Whigs (British political party)|Whigs]]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt; had given their whole attention, during several years, to the project of enriching themselves, and impoverishing the rest of the nation; and, by these and other means, of establishing their dominion under the government and with the favour of a family, who were foreigners, and therefore might believe, that they were established on the throne by the good will and strength of this party alone. This party in general were so intent on these views, and many of them, I fear, are so still, that they did not advert in time to the necessary consequences of the measures they abetted: nor did they confider, that the power they raised, and by which they hoped to govern their country, would govern them with the very rod of iron they forged, and would be the power of a prince or minister, not that of a party long.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 20-21

*Another party [the [[w:Tories (British political party)|Tories]]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt; continued sour, sullen, and inactive, with judgments so weak, and passions so strong, that even experience, and a severe one surely, was lost upon them. They waited, like the ''Jews'', for a ''Messiah'', that may never come; and under whom, if he did come, they would be strangely disappointed in their expectations of glory and triumph, and universal dominion. Whilst they waited, they were marked out like the ''Jews'', a distinct race, hewers of wood and drawers of water, scarce members of the community, tho born in the country.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 21-22

*The service of our country is no chimerical, but a real duty. He who admits the proofs of any other moral duty, drawn from the constitution of human nature, or from the moral fitness and unfitness of things, must admit them in favour of this duty, or be reduced to the most absurd inconsistency.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 27-28

*To what higher station, to what greater glory can any mortal aspire, than to be, during the whole course of his life, the support of good, the controul of bad government, and the guardian of public liberty? 
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 29

*Neither [[Michel de Montaigne|Montaigne]] in writing his essays, nor [[René Descartes|DesCartes]] in building new worlds, nor [[Thomas Burnet|Burnet]] in framing an antedeluvian earth, no nor [[Isaac Newton|Newton]] in discovering and establishing the true laws of nature on experiment and a sublimer geometry, felt more intellectual joys; than he feels who is a ''real patriot'', who bends all the force of his understanding, and directs all his thoughts and actions, to the good of his country.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 31

*[[w:Henry Hyde, Viscount Cornbury|My Lord]], I have insisted the more on this duty which men owe to their country, because I came out of ''England'', and continue still, strongly affected with what I saw when I was there. Our government has approached, nearer than ever before, to the true principles of it, since the [[Glorious Revolution|revolution of one thousand six hundred and eighty eight]]: and the accession of the [[w:House of Hanover|present family]] to the throne, has given the fairest opportunities, as well as the justest reasons, for compleating the scheme of liberty, and improving it to perfection. 
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 36-37

*[N]o human institution can arrive at perfection, and the most that human wisdom can do, is to procure the same or greater good, at the expence of less evil.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 45

*There have been periods when our government continued free, with strong appearances of becoming absolute. Let it be your glory, my Lord, and that of the new generation springing up with you, that this government do not become absolute at any future period, with the appearances of being free.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 46

*I think, and every wise and honest man in generations yet unborn will think, if the history of [thi]s administration descends to blacken our annals, that the greatest iniquity of the minister &lt;nowiki&gt;[&lt;/nowiki&gt;[[Robert Walpole]]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt;, on whom the whole iniquity ought to be charged, since he has been so long in possession of the whole power, is the constant endeavour he has employed to corrupt the ''morals'' of ''men''.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 68-69

*The minister &lt;nowiki&gt;[&lt;/nowiki&gt;[[Robert Walpole]]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt; preaches corruption aloud and constantly, like an impudent missionary of vice.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 72

*It seems to me, upon the whole matter, that to save or redeem a nation under such circumstances from perdition, nothing less is necessary than some great, some extraordinary conjuncture of ill fortune, or of good, which may ''purge'', yet ''so as by fire''. Distress from abroad, bankruptcy at home, and other circumstances of like nature and tendency, may beget universal confusion. Out of confusion order may arise: but it may be the order of a wicked tyranny, instead of the order of a just monarchy. Either may happen: and such an alternative, at the disposition of fortune, is sufficient to make a [[w:Stoic|stoic]] tremble! We may be saved indeed by means of a very different kind; but these means will not offer themselves, this way of salvation will not be opened to us, without the concurrence, and the influence of a P&lt;small&gt;ATRIOT&lt;/small&gt; K&lt;small&gt;ING&lt;/small&gt;, the most uncommon of all phænomena in the physical or moral world. Nothing can so surely and so effectually restore the virtue and public spirit, essential to the preservation of liberty, and national prosperity, as the reign of ſuch a prince.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 72-73

*I esteem monarchy above any other form of government, and hereditary monarchy above elective. I reverence kings, their office, their rights, their persons; and it will never be owing to the ''principles'' I am going to establish, because the character and government of a ''patriot king'' can be eatabliahed on no other, if their ''office'' and their ''right'' are not always held ''divine'', and their persons always ''sacred''.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 83-84

*The obligation of submission to both, is discoverable by so clear and so simple an use of our intellectual faculties, that it may be ſaid properly enough to be ''revealed to us by God''; and tho ''both'' these laws cannot be said properly to be given by Him, yet our obligation to ſubmit to the ''civil'' law is a principal paragraph in the ''natural'' law, which he has most manifestly given us. 
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 84-85

*It follows, therefore, that he who breaks the ''laws of his country'' resists the ''ordinance of God'', that is, the law of his nature. God has instituted neither monarchy, nor aristocracy, nor democracy, nor mixed government: but tho God has instituted no particular form of government among men, yet by the general laws of his kingdom, he exacts our obedience to the laws of those communities to which each of us is attached by birth, or to which we may be attached by a subsequent and lawful engagement.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 85-86

*Nothing can be more absurd, in pure ''speculation'', than an hereditary right in any mortal to govern other men: and yet, in ''practice'', nothing can be more absurd than to have a king to choose at every vacancy of a throne. We draw at a ''lottery'' indeed in one case, where there are many chances to lose, and few to gain. But have we much more advantage of this kind in the other? I think not. Upon these , and upon most occasions, the multitude would do at leaſt as well to trust to chance as choice, and to their fortune as to their judgment.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 89-90

*To conclude this head therefore, as I think a ''limited monarchy'' the best of governments, so I think an ''hereditary monarchy'' the best of monarchies. I said a ''limited monarchy''; for an ''unlimited monarchy'', wherein arbitrary will, which is in truth no rule, is however the sole rule, or stands instead of all rule of government, is so great an absurdity, both in reason informed or uninformed by experience, that it seems a government fitter for savages than for civilized people.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 91-92

*Among many reasons which determine me to prefer ''monarchy'' to every form of government, this is a principal one. When monarchy is the essential form, it may be more easily and more usefully ''tempered'' with ''aristocracy'' or ''democracy'', or both, than either of them, when they are the essential forms, can be ''tempered'' with ''monarchy''. It seems to me, that the introduction of a real permanent monarchical power, or any thing more than the pageantry of it, into either of these, must destroy them and extinguish them, as a great light extinguishes a less. Where it may easily be shewn, and the true form of our government will demonstrate, without seeking any other example, that very considerable ''aristocratical'' and ''democratical powers'' may be grafted on a ''monarchical stock'', without diminishing the lustre, or restraining the power and authority of the prince, enough to alter in any degree the essential form.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 92-93

*There must be an absolute, unlimited, and uncontroulable power lodged ''somewhere'' in every government; but to constitute monarchy, or the government of a single person, it is not necessary that this power should be lodged in the monarch ''alone''. 
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 93

*There are ''limitations'' indeed that would destroy the ''essential form'' of monarchy: or, in other words, a monarchical constitution may be changed, under pretence of limiting the monarch. This happened among us in the last century, when the vilest usurpation, and the most infamous tyranny, were established over our nation, by some of the worst and some of the meanest men in it. I will not day, that the ''essential form'' of monarchy should be preserved, tho the preservation of it were to cause the loss of ''liberty''. ''Salus reipsuprema lex esto'', is a fundamental law: and sure I am, the ''safety'' of a commonwealth is ill provided for, if the ''liberty'' be given up. But this I presume to say, and can demonstrate, that ''all'' the limitations necessary to preserve liberty, as long as the ''spirit'' of it subsists, and longer than that, no limitations of monarchy, nor any other form of government, can preserve it, are ''compatible'' with monarchy.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 96

*My aim is to fix this principle, that ''limitations'' on a crown ought to be carried ''as far'' as it is necessary to secure the liberties of a people; and that all ''such limitations'' may subsist, without weakening or endangering monarchy.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 97

*As soon as corruption ceases to be an expedient of government, and it will cease to be such as soon as a patriot king is raised to the throne, the ''panacea'' is applied: the spirit of the constitution revives of course; and as fast as it revives, the orders and forms of the constitution are restored to their primitive integrity, and become what they were intended to be; ''real barriers'' against arbitrary power, not ''blinds'' nor ''masks'' under which tyranny may lie concealed. Depravation of manners exposed the constitution to ruin; reformation will secure it.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 134

*A patriot king is the most powerful of all reformers; for he is himſelf a sort of standing miracle, so rarely seen and so little understood, that the sure effects of his appearance will be admiration and love in every honest breast, confusion and terror to every guilty conscience, but submission and resignation in all. A new people will seem to arise with a new king. In numerable metamorphoses, like those which poets feign, will happen in very deed: and while men are conscious that they are the same individuals, the difference of their sentiments will almost persuade them that they are changed into different beings.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 135

*By the principles of the [[Glorious Revolution|Revolution]], a subject may resist, no doubt, the prince who endeavours to ruin and enslave his people, and may push this resistance to the dethronement and exclusion of him and his race: but will it follow, that, because we may justly take arms against a prince whose right to govern we once acknowledged, and who by subsequent acts has forfeited that right, we may swear to a right we do not acknowledge, and resist a prince whose conduct has not forfeited the right we swore to, nor given any just dispensation from our oaths?
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 171

*The situation of ''Great Britain'', the character of her people, and the nature of her government fit her for trade and commerce. Her climate and her soil make them necessary to her well being. By trade and commerce we grew a rich and powerful nation, and by their decay we are growing poor and impotent. As trade and commerce enrich, so they fortify our country. The sea is our barrier, ships are our fortresses, and the mariners, that trade and commerce alone can furnish, are the garrisons to defend them.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 184-185

*The ''French'' may improve their natural wealth and power by the improvement of trade and commerce. We can have no wealth, nor power by consequence, as ''Europe'' is now constituted, without the improvement of them, nor in any degree but proportionably to this improvement.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 186

*The result of what has been said is, ''in general'', that the wealth and power of all nations depending so much on their trade and commerce, and every nation being...in such different circumstances of advantage or disadvantage in the pursuit of this common interest; a good government, and therefore the government of a patriot king , will be directed constantly to make the most of every advantage that nature has given, or art can procure towards the improvement of trade and commerce. And this is one of the principal criterions, by which we are to judge whether governors are in the true interest of the people, or not.&lt;br&gt;It results, ''in particular'', that ''Great Britain'' might improve her wealth and power in a proportion superior to that of any nation who can be deemed her rival, if the advantages she has were as wisely cultivated, as they will be in the reign of a patriot king.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 186-187

*A patriot king will neither neglect, nor sacrifice his country's interest. No other interest, neither a foreign nor a domestic, neither a public nor a private, will influence his conduct in government... To give ease and encouragement to manufactory at home, to assist and protect trade abroad, to improve and keep in heart the national colonies, like so many farms of the mother-country, will be principal and constant parts of the attention of such a prince.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 190-191

*By a continual attention to improve her natural, that is her maritime strength, by collecting all her forces with in herself, and reserving them to be laid out on great occasions, such as regard her immediate interests and her honour, or such as are truly important to the general system of power in ''Europe''; she may be the ''arbitrator'' of ''differences'', the ''guardian'' of ''liberty'', and the ''preserver'' of that ''[[w:Balance of power (international relations)|Balance]]'', which has been so much talked of, and is so little underſtood.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 193-194

*Like other amphibious animals, we must come occasionally on shore: but the water is more properly our element, and in it, like them, as we find our greatest security, so we exert our greatest force.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 195

*In his place, concord will appear, brooding peace and prosperity on the happy land; joy fitting in every face, content in every heart; a people unoppressed, undisturbed, unalarmed; busy to improve their private property and the public stock; fleets covering the ocean; bringing home wealth by the returns of industry; carrying assistance or terror abroad by the direction of wisdom; and asserting triumphantly the right and the honour of ''Great Britain'', as far as waters roll and as winds can waft them.&lt;br&gt;Those who live to see such happy days, and to act in so glorious a scene, will perhaps call to mind with some tenderness of sentiment, when he is no more, a ''man'', who contributed his mite to carry on so good a work, and who desired life for nothing so much, as to see a king of ''Great Britain'' the most popular man in his country, and a ''patriot king'' at the head of an united people.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 225-226

* We are born too late to see the beginning, and we did too soon to see the end of many things.
** ''On the Study and Use of History''

* I have read somewhere or other, — in [[w:Dionysius of Halicarnassus|Dionysius of Halicarnassus]], I think, — that history is philosophy teaching by examples.
** ''On the Study and Use of History'', letter 2; in fact this relates to a third-century AD treatise on rhetoric, wrongly attributed to Dionysius of Halicarnassus, which says (xi. 2): &quot;The contact with manners then is education; and this Thucydides appears to assert when he says history is philosophy learned from examples&quot;. The line is not found in Thucydides.

* Nations, like men, have their infancy.
** ''On the Study and Use of History'', letter 4 (1752)

* They ([[w:Thucydides|Thucydides]] and [[w:Xenophon|Xenophon]]) maintained the dignity of history.
** ''On the Study and Use of History'', letter 5 (1752); compare [[Henry Fielding]], ''Tom Jones'', book xi. chap. ii.; [[Horace Walpole]], ''Advertisement to Letter to Sir Horace Mann''; [[Thomas Babington Macaulay, 1st Baron Macaulay|Thomas Babington Macaulay]], ''History of England'', vol. i. chap. i.

* The landed men are the true owners of our political vessel, the moneyed men are no more than passengers in it.
** ''Some Reflections on the Present State of the Nation'' (1753)

* The second proposition admits and encourages the very practice we censure so justly, for which the saint [ [[Augustine of Hippo]] ] was so famous, and by which he contributed so much to promote contentions in his own days, and to perpetuate them to ours. The practice of deducing doctrines from the scriptures that are not evidently contained in them... Who does not see that the direct tendency of this practice is exactly the same as the event has proved it to be? It composes and propagates a religion, seemingly under the authority of God, but really under that of man. The principles of [[revelation]] are lost in [[theology]], or disfigured by it: and whilst some men are impudent enough to pretend, others are silly enough to believe, that they adhere to the [[gospel]], and maintain the cause of God against infidels and heretics, when they do nothing better, nor more, than espouse the conceits of men, whom enthusiasm, or the ambition of forming sects, or of making a great figure in them, has inspired. If you ask now what the practice of the [[w:Church Fathers|christian fathers]], and of other divines, should have been, in order to preserve the purity of faith, and to promote peace and charity, the answer is obvious... They should have adhered to the word of God: they should have paid no regard to [[w:Ancient Greek philosophy|heathen philosophy]], [[Judaism|jewish]] [[w:Kabbalah|cabala]], the sallies of enthusiasm, or the refinements of human ingenuity: they should have embraced, and held fast the articles of faith and doctrine, that were delivered in plain terms, or in unequivocal figures: they should not have been [[w:Dogma|dogmatical]] where the sense was doubtful, nor have presumed even to guess where the [[w:Holy Spirit (Christianity)|Holy Ghost]] left the veil of mystery undrawn.
** [http://books.google.com/books?id=E6ATAAAAQAAJ ''Lord Bolingbroke's Philosophical Works''] (1754) Vol.III, Essay IV, Sect XVI

* It is the modest, not the presumptuous, inquirer who makes a real and safe progress in the discovery of divine truths. One follows Nature and Nature's God; that is, he follows God in his works and in his word.
** Letter to [[Alexander Pope]]; compare: &quot;Slave to no sect, who takes no private road, But looks through Nature up to Nature’s God&quot;, [[Alexander Pope]], ''Essay on Man'', epistle iv. line 331.

* The shortest and surest way of arriving at real knowledge is to unlearn the lessons we have been taught, to mount the first principles, and take nobody's word about them.
** As quoted in ''Treasury of Wisdom, Wit and Humor, Odd Comparisons and Proverbs'' (1891) by Adam Woolever

==Quotes about Bolingbroke==
*Who now reads Bolingbroke? Who ever read him through? ... I do not often quote Bolingbroke, nor have his works in general, left any permanent impression on my mind. He is a presumptuousness and a superficial writer. But he has one observation, which in my opinion, is not without depth and solidity. He says, that he prefers a monarchy to other governments; because you can better ingraft any description of republic on a monarchy than any thing of monarchy upon the republican forms. I think him perfectly in the right. 
**[[Edmund Burke]], ''[[Reflections on the Revolution in France]]'' (1790), pp. 133, 187

*He engaged young, and distinguished himself in business; and his penetration was almost intuition. I am old enough to have heard him speak in parliament. And I remember that, though prejudiced against him by party, I felt all the force and charms of his eloquence. Like Belial in [[John Milton|Milton]], “he made the worse appear the better cause.” All the internal and external advantages and talents of an orator are undoubtedly his. Figure, voice, elocution, knowledge, and, above all, the purest and most florid diction, with the justest metaphors and happiest images, had raised him to the post of Secretary at War, at four-and-twenty years old, an age at which others are hardly thought fit for the smallest employments. 
**[[Philip Stanhope, 4th Earl of Chesterfield|Earl of Chesterfield]] to his son (12 December 1749) quoted in ''Letters Written By The Late Right Honourable Philip Dormer Stanhope, Earl Of Chesterfield, To His Son, Philip Stanhope, Esq. Late Envoy-Extraordinary At The Court Of Dresden: Together with Several Other Pieces On Various Subjects: In Four Volumes, Volume II'' (1792), p. 292

*Lord Bolingbroke, one of the ablest men who ever lived, was a firm and uncompromising Tory, and he advocated triennial Parliaments. He said that without this there was no security for the people, no integrity for the constitution.
**[[Benjamin Disraeli]], speech in High Wycombe (27 November 1832), quoted in  ''Selected Speeches of the late Right Honourable the Earl of Beaconsfield: Volume II'', ed. T. E. Kebbel (1882), p. 7

*He was called indeed a tory; but his writings prove him a stronger advocate for liberty than any of his countrymen, the whigs of the present day. Irritated by his exile, he committed one act unworthy of him, in connecting himself momentarily with a prince rejected by his country. But he redeemed that single act by his establishment of the principles which proved it to be wrong. ... Lord Bolingbroke's...is a style of the highest order. The lofty, rhythmical, full-flowing eloquence of [[Cicero]]. Periods of just measure, their members proportioned, their close full and round. His conceptions, too, are bold and strong, his diction copious, polished and commanding as his subject. His writings are certainly the finest samples in the English language, of the eloquence proper for the Senate. His political tracts are safe reading for the most timid religionist, his philosophical, for those who are not afraid to trust their reason with discussions of right and wrong. 
**[[Thomas Jefferson]] to Francis Eppes (19 January 1821), quoted in Thomas Jefferson, ''Writings'', ed. Merrill D. Peterson (1984), p. 1451

*I think Mr. secretary St. John the greatest young man I ever knew: wit, capacity, beauty, quickness of apprehension, good learning, and an excellent taste; the best orator in the house of commons, admirable conversation, good nature, and good manners; generous, and a despiser of money. His only fault is, talking to his friends in way of complaint of too great load of business, which looks a little like affectation; and he endeavours too much to mix the fine gentleman, and the man of pleasure, with the man of business. What truth and sincerity he may have, I know not.
**[[Jonathan Swift]], Letter XXXIII (23 October 1711), ''[[w:A Journal to Stella|A Journal to Stella]]'', quoted in ''The Works of Jonathan Swift, containing additional letters, tracts, and poems, with notes, and a life of the author, by W. Scott, Volume II'' (1824), pp. 405–406

*[T]he accomplishments of his mind, which was adorned with the choicest gifts that God has yet thought fit to bestow upon the children of men; a strong memory, a clear judgment, a vast range of wit and fancy, a thorough comprehension, an invincible eloquence, with a most agreeable elocution.
**[[Jonathan Swift]], ''An Inquiry into the Behaviour of the Queen's last Ministry, &amp;c.'' (June 1715), quoted ''The Works of the Rev. Jonathan Swift, Volume 4'', ed. Thomas Sheridan (1801), in p. 310

== External links==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
* [http://www.eighteenthcenturypoetry.org/authors/pers00082.shtml Henry St John, 1st Viscount Bolingbroke at the Eighteenth-Century Poetry Archive (ECPA)]
* {{Gutenberg author |id=Bolingbroke,+Henry+St.+John,+Viscount}}
* [http://www.berkshirehistory.com/bios/hstjohn_vbol.html Royal Berkshire History: Henry St John, Viscount Bolingbroke]
{{Social and political philosophers}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Bolingbroke, Henry Saint John, 1st Viscount}}
[[Category:Academics from the United Kingdom]]
[[Category:Philosophers from England]]
[[Category:1678 births]]
[[Category:1751 deaths]]
[[Category:People from London]]
[[Category:Tory (British political party) politicians]]
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      <text bytes="33267" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Henry St John, 1st Viscount Bolingbroke (1678-1751).jpg |thumb|It is the [[modest]], not the [[presumptuous]], inquirer who makes a [[real]] and [[safe]] [[progress]] in the [[discovery]] of [[divine]] [[truths]].]]
[[File:1stViscountBolingbroke.jpg|thumb|[[Truth]] lies within a little and certain compass, but [[error]] is immense.]]
'''[[w:Henry St John, 1st Viscount Bolingbroke|Henry St John, 1st Viscount Bolingbroke]]''' ([[September 16]], [[1678]] – [[December 12]], [[1751]]) was an English statesman and philosopher.

== Quotes ==
*You may observe yourself...what a difference there is between the true strength of this nation and the fictitious one of the [[Whigs (British political party)|Whigs]]. How much time, how many lucky incidents, how many strains of power, how much money must go to create a majority of the latter; on the other hand, take but off the opinion that the Crown is another way inclined, the church interest rises with redoubled force, and by its natural genuine strength.
**Letter to Mr. Drummond (10 November 1710), quoted in Gilbert Parke, ''Letters and Correspondence, Public and Private, of The Right Honourable Henry St. John, Lord Visc. Bolingbroke; during the Time he was Secretary of State to Queen Anne; with State Papers, Explanatory Notes, and a Translation of the Foreign Letters, &amp;c.: Vol. I'' (1798), pp. 16–17

* '''Truth lies within a little and certain compass, but error is immense.'''
** ''Reflections upon Exile'' (1716)

*The manners of our fore-fathers were, I believe, in many respects better: they had more probity perhaps, they had certainly more show of honour, and greater industry.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 18

*One party [the [[Whigs (British political party)|Whigs]]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt; had given their whole attention, during several years, to the project of enriching themselves, and impoverishing the rest of the nation; and, by these and other means, of establishing their dominion under the government and with the favour of a family, who were foreigners, and therefore might believe, that they were established on the throne by the good will and strength of this party alone. This party in general were so intent on these views, and many of them, I fear, are so still, that they did not advert in time to the necessary consequences of the measures they abetted: nor did they confider, that the power they raised, and by which they hoped to govern their country, would govern them with the very rod of iron they forged, and would be the power of a prince or minister, not that of a party long.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 20-21

*Another party [the [[w:Tories (British political party)|Tories]]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt; continued sour, sullen, and inactive, with judgments so weak, and passions so strong, that even experience, and a severe one surely, was lost upon them. They waited, like the ''Jews'', for a ''Messiah'', that may never come; and under whom, if he did come, they would be strangely disappointed in their expectations of glory and triumph, and universal dominion. Whilst they waited, they were marked out like the ''Jews'', a distinct race, hewers of wood and drawers of water, scarce members of the community, tho born in the country.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 21-22

*The service of our country is no chimerical, but a real duty. He who admits the proofs of any other moral duty, drawn from the constitution of human nature, or from the moral fitness and unfitness of things, must admit them in favour of this duty, or be reduced to the most absurd inconsistency.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 27-28

*To what higher station, to what greater glory can any mortal aspire, than to be, during the whole course of his life, the support of good, the controul of bad government, and the guardian of public liberty? 
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 29

*Neither [[Michel de Montaigne|Montaigne]] in writing his essays, nor [[René Descartes|DesCartes]] in building new worlds, nor [[Thomas Burnet|Burnet]] in framing an antedeluvian earth, no nor [[Isaac Newton|Newton]] in discovering and establishing the true laws of nature on experiment and a sublimer geometry, felt more intellectual joys; than he feels who is a ''real patriot'', who bends all the force of his understanding, and directs all his thoughts and actions, to the good of his country.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 31

*[[w:Henry Hyde, Viscount Cornbury|My Lord]], I have insisted the more on this duty which men owe to their country, because I came out of ''England'', and continue still, strongly affected with what I saw when I was there. Our government has approached, nearer than ever before, to the true principles of it, since the [[Glorious Revolution|revolution of one thousand six hundred and eighty eight]]: and the accession of the [[w:House of Hanover|present family]] to the throne, has given the fairest opportunities, as well as the justest reasons, for compleating the scheme of liberty, and improving it to perfection. 
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 36-37

*[N]o human institution can arrive at perfection, and the most that human wisdom can do, is to procure the same or greater good, at the expence of less evil.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 45

*There have been periods when our government continued free, with strong appearances of becoming absolute. Let it be your glory, my Lord, and that of the new generation springing up with you, that this government do not become absolute at any future period, with the appearances of being free.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 46

*I think, and every wise and honest man in generations yet unborn will think, if the history of [thi]s administration descends to blacken our annals, that the greatest iniquity of the minister &lt;nowiki&gt;[&lt;/nowiki&gt;[[Robert Walpole]]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt;, on whom the whole iniquity ought to be charged, since he has been so long in possession of the whole power, is the constant endeavour he has employed to corrupt the ''morals'' of ''men''.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 68-69

*The minister &lt;nowiki&gt;[&lt;/nowiki&gt;[[Robert Walpole]]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt; preaches corruption aloud and constantly, like an impudent missionary of vice.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 72

*It seems to me, upon the whole matter, that to save or redeem a nation under such circumstances from perdition, nothing less is necessary than some great, some extraordinary conjuncture of ill fortune, or of good, which may ''purge'', yet ''so as by fire''. Distress from abroad, bankruptcy at home, and other circumstances of like nature and tendency, may beget universal confusion. Out of confusion order may arise: but it may be the order of a wicked tyranny, instead of the order of a just monarchy. Either may happen: and such an alternative, at the disposition of fortune, is sufficient to make a [[w:Stoic|stoic]] tremble! We may be saved indeed by means of a very different kind; but these means will not offer themselves, this way of salvation will not be opened to us, without the concurrence, and the influence of a P&lt;small&gt;ATRIOT&lt;/small&gt; K&lt;small&gt;ING&lt;/small&gt;, the most uncommon of all phænomena in the physical or moral world. Nothing can so surely and so effectually restore the virtue and public spirit, essential to the preservation of liberty, and national prosperity, as the reign of such a prince.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 72-73

*I esteem monarchy above any other form of government, and hereditary monarchy above elective. I reverence kings, their office, their rights, their persons; and it will never be owing to the ''principles'' I am going to establish, because the character and government of a ''patriot king'' can be eatabliahed on no other, if their ''office'' and their ''right'' are not always held ''divine'', and their persons always ''sacred''.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 83-84

*The obligation of submission to both, is discoverable by so clear and so simple an use of our intellectual faculties, that it may be ſaid properly enough to be ''revealed to us by God''; and tho ''both'' these laws cannot be said properly to be given by Him, yet our obligation to ſubmit to the ''civil'' law is a principal paragraph in the ''natural'' law, which he has most manifestly given us. 
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 84-85

*It follows, therefore, that he who breaks the ''laws of his country'' resists the ''ordinance of God'', that is, the law of his nature. God has instituted neither monarchy, nor aristocracy, nor democracy, nor mixed government: but tho God has instituted no particular form of government among men, yet by the general laws of his kingdom, he exacts our obedience to the laws of those communities to which each of us is attached by birth, or to which we may be attached by a subsequent and lawful engagement.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 85-86

*Nothing can be more absurd, in pure ''speculation'', than an hereditary right in any mortal to govern other men: and yet, in ''practice'', nothing can be more absurd than to have a king to choose at every vacancy of a throne. We draw at a ''lottery'' indeed in one case, where there are many chances to lose, and few to gain. But have we much more advantage of this kind in the other? I think not. Upon these , and upon most occasions, the multitude would do at leaſt as well to trust to chance as choice, and to their fortune as to their judgment.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 89-90

*To conclude this head therefore, as I think a ''limited monarchy'' the best of governments, so I think an ''hereditary monarchy'' the best of monarchies. I said a ''limited monarchy''; for an ''unlimited monarchy'', wherein arbitrary will, which is in truth no rule, is however the sole rule, or stands instead of all rule of government, is so great an absurdity, both in reason informed or uninformed by experience, that it seems a government fitter for savages than for civilized people.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 91-92

*Among many reasons which determine me to prefer ''monarchy'' to every form of government, this is a principal one. When monarchy is the essential form, it may be more easily and more usefully ''tempered'' with ''aristocracy'' or ''democracy'', or both, than either of them, when they are the essential forms, can be ''tempered'' with ''monarchy''. It seems to me, that the introduction of a real permanent monarchical power, or any thing more than the pageantry of it, into either of these, must destroy them and extinguish them, as a great light extinguishes a less. Where it may easily be shewn, and the true form of our government will demonstrate, without seeking any other example, that very considerable ''aristocratical'' and ''democratical powers'' may be grafted on a ''monarchical stock'', without diminishing the lustre, or restraining the power and authority of the prince, enough to alter in any degree the essential form.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 92-93

*There must be an absolute, unlimited, and uncontroulable power lodged ''somewhere'' in every government; but to constitute monarchy, or the government of a single person, it is not necessary that this power should be lodged in the monarch ''alone''. 
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 93

*There are ''limitations'' indeed that would destroy the ''essential form'' of monarchy: or, in other words, a monarchical constitution may be changed, under pretence of limiting the monarch. This happened among us in the last century, when the vilest usurpation, and the most infamous tyranny, were established over our nation, by some of the worst and some of the meanest men in it. I will not day, that the ''essential form'' of monarchy should be preserved, tho the preservation of it were to cause the loss of ''liberty''. ''Salus reipsuprema lex esto'', is a fundamental law: and sure I am, the ''safety'' of a commonwealth is ill provided for, if the ''liberty'' be given up. But this I presume to say, and can demonstrate, that ''all'' the limitations necessary to preserve liberty, as long as the ''spirit'' of it subsists, and longer than that, no limitations of monarchy, nor any other form of government, can preserve it, are ''compatible'' with monarchy.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 96

*My aim is to fix this principle, that ''limitations'' on a crown ought to be carried ''as far'' as it is necessary to secure the liberties of a people; and that all ''such limitations'' may subsist, without weakening or endangering monarchy.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 97

*As soon as corruption ceases to be an expedient of government, and it will cease to be such as soon as a patriot king is raised to the throne, the ''panacea'' is applied: the spirit of the constitution revives of course; and as fast as it revives, the orders and forms of the constitution are restored to their primitive integrity, and become what they were intended to be; ''real barriers'' against arbitrary power, not ''blinds'' nor ''masks'' under which tyranny may lie concealed. Depravation of manners exposed the constitution to ruin; reformation will secure it.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 134

*A patriot king is the most powerful of all reformers; for he is himſelf a sort of standing miracle, so rarely seen and so little understood, that the sure effects of his appearance will be admiration and love in every honest breast, confusion and terror to every guilty conscience, but submission and resignation in all. A new people will seem to arise with a new king. In numerable metamorphoses, like those which poets feign, will happen in very deed: and while men are conscious that they are the same individuals, the difference of their sentiments will almost persuade them that they are changed into different beings.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 135

*By the principles of the [[Glorious Revolution|Revolution]], a subject may resist, no doubt, the prince who endeavours to ruin and enslave his people, and may push this resistance to the dethronement and exclusion of him and his race: but will it follow, that, because we may justly take arms against a prince whose right to govern we once acknowledged, and who by subsequent acts has forfeited that right, we may swear to a right we do not acknowledge, and resist a prince whose conduct has not forfeited the right we swore to, nor given any just dispensation from our oaths?
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 171

*The situation of ''Great Britain'', the character of her people, and the nature of her government fit her for trade and commerce. Her climate and her soil make them necessary to her well being. By trade and commerce we grew a rich and powerful nation, and by their decay we are growing poor and impotent. As trade and commerce enrich, so they fortify our country. The sea is our barrier, ships are our fortresses, and the mariners, that trade and commerce alone can furnish, are the garrisons to defend them.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 184-185

*The ''French'' may improve their natural wealth and power by the improvement of trade and commerce. We can have no wealth, nor power by consequence, as ''Europe'' is now constituted, without the improvement of them, nor in any degree but proportionably to this improvement.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 186

*The result of what has been said is, ''in general'', that the wealth and power of all nations depending so much on their trade and commerce, and every nation being...in such different circumstances of advantage or disadvantage in the pursuit of this common interest; a good government, and therefore the government of a patriot king , will be directed constantly to make the most of every advantage that nature has given, or art can procure towards the improvement of trade and commerce. And this is one of the principal criterions, by which we are to judge whether governors are in the true interest of the people, or not.&lt;br&gt;It results, ''in particular'', that ''Great Britain'' might improve her wealth and power in a proportion superior to that of any nation who can be deemed her rival, if the advantages she has were as wisely cultivated, as they will be in the reign of a patriot king.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 186-187

*A patriot king will neither neglect, nor sacrifice his country's interest. No other interest, neither a foreign nor a domestic, neither a public nor a private, will influence his conduct in government... To give ease and encouragement to manufactory at home, to assist and protect trade abroad, to improve and keep in heart the national colonies, like so many farms of the mother-country, will be principal and constant parts of the attention of such a prince.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 190-191

*By a continual attention to improve her natural, that is her maritime strength, by collecting all her forces with in herself, and reserving them to be laid out on great occasions, such as regard her immediate interests and her honour, or such as are truly important to the general system of power in ''Europe''; she may be the ''arbitrator'' of ''differences'', the ''guardian'' of ''liberty'', and the ''preserver'' of that ''[[w:Balance of power (international relations)|Balance]]'', which has been so much talked of, and is so little underſtood.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 193-194

*Like other amphibious animals, we must come occasionally on shore: but the water is more properly our element, and in it, like them, as we find our greatest security, so we exert our greatest force.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 195

*In his place, concord will appear, brooding peace and prosperity on the happy land; joy fitting in every face, content in every heart; a people unoppressed, undisturbed, unalarmed; busy to improve their private property and the public stock; fleets covering the ocean; bringing home wealth by the returns of industry; carrying assistance or terror abroad by the direction of wisdom; and asserting triumphantly the right and the honour of ''Great Britain'', as far as waters roll and as winds can waft them.&lt;br&gt;Those who live to see such happy days, and to act in so glorious a scene, will perhaps call to mind with some tenderness of sentiment, when he is no more, a ''man'', who contributed his mite to carry on so good a work, and who desired life for nothing so much, as to see a king of ''Great Britain'' the most popular man in his country, and a ''patriot king'' at the head of an united people.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 225-226

* We are born too late to see the beginning, and we did too soon to see the end of many things.
** ''On the Study and Use of History''

* I have read somewhere or other, — in [[w:Dionysius of Halicarnassus|Dionysius of Halicarnassus]], I think, — that history is philosophy teaching by examples.
** ''On the Study and Use of History'', letter 2; in fact this relates to a third-century AD treatise on rhetoric, wrongly attributed to Dionysius of Halicarnassus, which says (xi. 2): &quot;The contact with manners then is education; and this Thucydides appears to assert when he says history is philosophy learned from examples&quot;. The line is not found in Thucydides.

* Nations, like men, have their infancy.
** ''On the Study and Use of History'', letter 4 (1752)

* They ([[w:Thucydides|Thucydides]] and [[w:Xenophon|Xenophon]]) maintained the dignity of history.
** ''On the Study and Use of History'', letter 5 (1752); compare [[Henry Fielding]], ''Tom Jones'', book xi. chap. ii.; [[Horace Walpole]], ''Advertisement to Letter to Sir Horace Mann''; [[Thomas Babington Macaulay, 1st Baron Macaulay|Thomas Babington Macaulay]], ''History of England'', vol. i. chap. i.

* The landed men are the true owners of our political vessel, the moneyed men are no more than passengers in it.
** ''Some Reflections on the Present State of the Nation'' (1753)

* The second proposition admits and encourages the very practice we censure so justly, for which the saint [ [[Augustine of Hippo]] ] was so famous, and by which he contributed so much to promote contentions in his own days, and to perpetuate them to ours. The practice of deducing doctrines from the scriptures that are not evidently contained in them... Who does not see that the direct tendency of this practice is exactly the same as the event has proved it to be? It composes and propagates a religion, seemingly under the authority of God, but really under that of man. The principles of [[revelation]] are lost in [[theology]], or disfigured by it: and whilst some men are impudent enough to pretend, others are silly enough to believe, that they adhere to the [[gospel]], and maintain the cause of God against infidels and heretics, when they do nothing better, nor more, than espouse the conceits of men, whom enthusiasm, or the ambition of forming sects, or of making a great figure in them, has inspired. If you ask now what the practice of the [[w:Church Fathers|christian fathers]], and of other divines, should have been, in order to preserve the purity of faith, and to promote peace and charity, the answer is obvious... They should have adhered to the word of God: they should have paid no regard to [[w:Ancient Greek philosophy|heathen philosophy]], [[Judaism|jewish]] [[w:Kabbalah|cabala]], the sallies of enthusiasm, or the refinements of human ingenuity: they should have embraced, and held fast the articles of faith and doctrine, that were delivered in plain terms, or in unequivocal figures: they should not have been [[w:Dogma|dogmatical]] where the sense was doubtful, nor have presumed even to guess where the [[w:Holy Spirit (Christianity)|Holy Ghost]] left the veil of mystery undrawn.
** [http://books.google.com/books?id=E6ATAAAAQAAJ ''Lord Bolingbroke's Philosophical Works''] (1754) Vol.III, Essay IV, Sect XVI

* It is the modest, not the presumptuous, inquirer who makes a real and safe progress in the discovery of divine truths. One follows Nature and Nature's God; that is, he follows God in his works and in his word.
** Letter to [[Alexander Pope]]; compare: &quot;Slave to no sect, who takes no private road, But looks through Nature up to Nature’s God&quot;, [[Alexander Pope]], ''Essay on Man'', epistle iv. line 331.

* The shortest and surest way of arriving at real knowledge is to unlearn the lessons we have been taught, to mount the first principles, and take nobody's word about them.
** As quoted in ''Treasury of Wisdom, Wit and Humor, Odd Comparisons and Proverbs'' (1891) by Adam Woolever

==Quotes about Bolingbroke==
*Who now reads Bolingbroke? Who ever read him through? ... I do not often quote Bolingbroke, nor have his works in general, left any permanent impression on my mind. He is a presumptuousness and a superficial writer. But he has one observation, which in my opinion, is not without depth and solidity. He says, that he prefers a monarchy to other governments; because you can better ingraft any description of republic on a monarchy than any thing of monarchy upon the republican forms. I think him perfectly in the right. 
**[[Edmund Burke]], ''[[Reflections on the Revolution in France]]'' (1790), pp. 133, 187

*He engaged young, and distinguished himself in business; and his penetration was almost intuition. I am old enough to have heard him speak in parliament. And I remember that, though prejudiced against him by party, I felt all the force and charms of his eloquence. Like Belial in [[John Milton|Milton]], “he made the worse appear the better cause.” All the internal and external advantages and talents of an orator are undoubtedly his. Figure, voice, elocution, knowledge, and, above all, the purest and most florid diction, with the justest metaphors and happiest images, had raised him to the post of Secretary at War, at four-and-twenty years old, an age at which others are hardly thought fit for the smallest employments. 
**[[Philip Stanhope, 4th Earl of Chesterfield|Earl of Chesterfield]] to his son (12 December 1749) quoted in ''Letters Written By The Late Right Honourable Philip Dormer Stanhope, Earl Of Chesterfield, To His Son, Philip Stanhope, Esq. Late Envoy-Extraordinary At The Court Of Dresden: Together with Several Other Pieces On Various Subjects: In Four Volumes, Volume II'' (1792), p. 292

*Lord Bolingbroke, one of the ablest men who ever lived, was a firm and uncompromising Tory, and he advocated triennial Parliaments. He said that without this there was no security for the people, no integrity for the constitution.
**[[Benjamin Disraeli]], speech in High Wycombe (27 November 1832), quoted in  ''Selected Speeches of the late Right Honourable the Earl of Beaconsfield: Volume II'', ed. T. E. Kebbel (1882), p. 7

*He was called indeed a tory; but his writings prove him a stronger advocate for liberty than any of his countrymen, the whigs of the present day. Irritated by his exile, he committed one act unworthy of him, in connecting himself momentarily with a prince rejected by his country. But he redeemed that single act by his establishment of the principles which proved it to be wrong. ... Lord Bolingbroke's...is a style of the highest order. The lofty, rhythmical, full-flowing eloquence of [[Cicero]]. Periods of just measure, their members proportioned, their close full and round. His conceptions, too, are bold and strong, his diction copious, polished and commanding as his subject. His writings are certainly the finest samples in the English language, of the eloquence proper for the Senate. His political tracts are safe reading for the most timid religionist, his philosophical, for those who are not afraid to trust their reason with discussions of right and wrong. 
**[[Thomas Jefferson]] to Francis Eppes (19 January 1821), quoted in Thomas Jefferson, ''Writings'', ed. Merrill D. Peterson (1984), p. 1451

*I think Mr. secretary St. John the greatest young man I ever knew: wit, capacity, beauty, quickness of apprehension, good learning, and an excellent taste; the best orator in the house of commons, admirable conversation, good nature, and good manners; generous, and a despiser of money. His only fault is, talking to his friends in way of complaint of too great load of business, which looks a little like affectation; and he endeavours too much to mix the fine gentleman, and the man of pleasure, with the man of business. What truth and sincerity he may have, I know not.
**[[Jonathan Swift]], Letter XXXIII (23 October 1711), ''[[w:A Journal to Stella|A Journal to Stella]]'', quoted in ''The Works of Jonathan Swift, containing additional letters, tracts, and poems, with notes, and a life of the author, by W. Scott, Volume II'' (1824), pp. 405–406

*[T]he accomplishments of his mind, which was adorned with the choicest gifts that God has yet thought fit to bestow upon the children of men; a strong memory, a clear judgment, a vast range of wit and fancy, a thorough comprehension, an invincible eloquence, with a most agreeable elocution.
**[[Jonathan Swift]], ''An Inquiry into the Behaviour of the Queen's last Ministry, &amp;c.'' (June 1715), quoted ''The Works of the Rev. Jonathan Swift, Volume 4'', ed. Thomas Sheridan (1801), in p. 310

== External links==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
* [http://www.eighteenthcenturypoetry.org/authors/pers00082.shtml Henry St John, 1st Viscount Bolingbroke at the Eighteenth-Century Poetry Archive (ECPA)]
* {{Gutenberg author |id=Bolingbroke,+Henry+St.+John,+Viscount}}
* [http://www.berkshirehistory.com/bios/hstjohn_vbol.html Royal Berkshire History: Henry St John, Viscount Bolingbroke]
{{Social and political philosophers}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Bolingbroke, Henry Saint John, 1st Viscount}}
[[Category:Academics from the United Kingdom]]
[[Category:Philosophers from England]]
[[Category:1678 births]]
[[Category:1751 deaths]]
[[Category:People from London]]
[[Category:Tory (British political party) politicians]]
[[Category:Critics of religion]]</text>
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      <text bytes="33261" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Henry St John, 1st Viscount Bolingbroke (1678-1751).jpg |thumb|It is the [[modest]], not the [[presumptuous]], inquirer who makes a [[real]] and [[safe]] [[progress]] in the [[discovery]] of [[divine]] [[truths]].]]
[[File:1stViscountBolingbroke.jpg|thumb|[[Truth]] lies within a little and certain compass, but [[error]] is immense.]]
'''[[w:Henry St John, 1st Viscount Bolingbroke|Henry St John, 1st Viscount Bolingbroke]]''' ([[September 16]], [[1678]] – [[December 12]], [[1751]]) was an English statesman and philosopher.

== Quotes ==
*You may observe yourself...what a difference there is between the true strength of this nation and the fictitious one of the [[Whigs (British political party)|Whigs]]. How much time, how many lucky incidents, how many strains of power, how much money must go to create a majority of the latter; on the other hand, take but off the opinion that the Crown is another way inclined, the church interest rises with redoubled force, and by its natural genuine strength.
**Letter to Mr. Drummond (10 November 1710), quoted in Gilbert Parke, ''Letters and Correspondence, Public and Private, of The Right Honourable Henry St. John, Lord Visc. Bolingbroke; during the Time he was Secretary of State to Queen Anne; with State Papers, Explanatory Notes, and a Translation of the Foreign Letters, &amp;c.: Vol. I'' (1798), pp. 16–17

* '''Truth lies within a little and certain compass, but error is immense.'''
** ''Reflections upon Exile'' (1716)

*The manners of our fore-fathers were, I believe, in many respects better: they had more probity perhaps, they had certainly more show of honour, and greater industry.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 18

*One party [the [[Whigs (British political party)|Whigs]]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt; had given their whole attention, during several years, to the project of enriching themselves, and impoverishing the rest of the nation; and, by these and other means, of establishing their dominion under the government and with the favour of a family, who were foreigners, and therefore might believe, that they were established on the throne by the good will and strength of this party alone. This party in general were so intent on these views, and many of them, I fear, are so still, that they did not advert in time to the necessary consequences of the measures they abetted: nor did they confider, that the power they raised, and by which they hoped to govern their country, would govern them with the very rod of iron they forged, and would be the power of a prince or minister, not that of a party long.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 20-21

*Another party [the [[w:Tories (British political party)|Tories]]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt; continued sour, sullen, and inactive, with judgments so weak, and passions so strong, that even experience, and a severe one surely, was lost upon them. They waited, like the ''Jews'', for a ''Messiah'', that may never come; and under whom, if he did come, they would be strangely disappointed in their expectations of glory and triumph, and universal dominion. Whilst they waited, they were marked out like the ''Jews'', a distinct race, hewers of wood and drawers of water, scarce members of the community, tho born in the country.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 21-22

*The service of our country is no chimerical, but a real duty. He who admits the proofs of any other moral duty, drawn from the constitution of human nature, or from the moral fitness and unfitness of things, must admit them in favour of this duty, or be reduced to the most absurd inconsistency.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 27-28

*To what higher station, to what greater glory can any mortal aspire, than to be, during the whole course of his life, the support of good, the controul of bad government, and the guardian of public liberty? 
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 29

*Neither [[Michel de Montaigne|Montaigne]] in writing his essays, nor [[René Descartes|DesCartes]] in building new worlds, nor [[Thomas Burnet|Burnet]] in framing an antedeluvian earth, no nor [[Isaac Newton|Newton]] in discovering and establishing the true laws of nature on experiment and a sublimer geometry, felt more intellectual joys; than he feels who is a ''real patriot'', who bends all the force of his understanding, and directs all his thoughts and actions, to the good of his country.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 31

*[[w:Henry Hyde, Viscount Cornbury|My Lord]], I have insisted the more on this duty which men owe to their country, because I came out of ''England'', and continue still, strongly affected with what I saw when I was there. Our government has approached, nearer than ever before, to the true principles of it, since the [[Glorious Revolution|revolution of one thousand six hundred and eighty eight]]: and the accession of the [[w:House of Hanover|present family]] to the throne, has given the fairest opportunities, as well as the justest reasons, for compleating the scheme of liberty, and improving it to perfection. 
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 36-37

*[N]o human institution can arrive at perfection, and the most that human wisdom can do, is to procure the same or greater good, at the expence of less evil.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 45

*There have been periods when our government continued free, with strong appearances of becoming absolute. Let it be your glory, my Lord, and that of the new generation springing up with you, that this government do not become absolute at any future period, with the appearances of being free.
**'On the Spirit of Patriotism' (1736), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 46

*I think, and every wise and honest man in generations yet unborn will think, if the history of [thi]s administration descends to blacken our annals, that the greatest iniquity of the minister &lt;nowiki&gt;[&lt;/nowiki&gt;[[Robert Walpole]]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt;, on whom the whole iniquity ought to be charged, since he has been so long in possession of the whole power, is the constant endeavour he has employed to corrupt the ''morals'' of ''men''.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 68-69

*The minister &lt;nowiki&gt;[&lt;/nowiki&gt;[[Robert Walpole]]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt; preaches corruption aloud and constantly, like an impudent missionary of vice.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 72

*It seems to me, upon the whole matter, that to save or redeem a nation under such circumstances from perdition, nothing less is necessary than some great, some extraordinary conjuncture of ill fortune, or of good, which may ''purge'', yet ''so as by fire''. Distress from abroad, bankruptcy at home, and other circumstances of like nature and tendency, may beget universal confusion. Out of confusion order may arise: but it may be the order of a wicked tyranny, instead of the order of a just monarchy. Either may happen: and such an alternative, at the disposition of fortune, is sufficient to make a [[w:Stoic|stoic]] tremble! We may be saved indeed by means of a very different kind; but these means will not offer themselves, this way of salvation will not be opened to us, without the concurrence, and the influence of a P&lt;small&gt;ATRIOT&lt;/small&gt; K&lt;small&gt;ING&lt;/small&gt;, the most uncommon of all phænomena in the physical or moral world. Nothing can so surely and so effectually restore the virtue and public spirit, essential to the preservation of liberty, and national prosperity, as the reign of such a prince.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 72-73

*I esteem monarchy above any other form of government, and hereditary monarchy above elective. I reverence kings, their office, their rights, their persons; and it will never be owing to the ''principles'' I am going to establish, because the character and government of a ''patriot king'' can be established on no other, if their ''office'' and their ''right'' are not always held ''divine'', and their persons always ''sacred''.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 83-84

*The obligation of submission to both, is discoverable by so clear and so simple an use of our intellectual faculties, that it may be said properly enough to be ''revealed to us by God''; and tho ''both'' these laws cannot be said properly to be given by Him, yet our obligation to submit to the ''civil'' law is a principal paragraph in the ''natural'' law, which he has most manifestly given us. 
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 84-85

*It follows, therefore, that he who breaks the ''laws of his country'' resists the ''ordinance of God'', that is, the law of his nature. God has instituted neither monarchy, nor aristocracy, nor democracy, nor mixed government: but tho God has instituted no particular form of government among men, yet by the general laws of his kingdom, he exacts our obedience to the laws of those communities to which each of us is attached by birth, or to which we may be attached by a subsequent and lawful engagement.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 85-86

*Nothing can be more absurd, in pure ''speculation'', than an hereditary right in any mortal to govern other men: and yet, in ''practice'', nothing can be more absurd than to have a king to choose at every vacancy of a throne. We draw at a ''lottery'' indeed in one case, where there are many chances to lose, and few to gain. But have we much more advantage of this kind in the other? I think not. Upon these , and upon most occasions, the multitude would do at least as well to trust to chance as choice, and to their fortune as to their judgment.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 89-90

*To conclude this head therefore, as I think a ''limited monarchy'' the best of governments, so I think an ''hereditary monarchy'' the best of monarchies. I said a ''limited monarchy''; for an ''unlimited monarchy'', wherein arbitrary will, which is in truth no rule, is however the sole rule, or stands instead of all rule of government, is so great an absurdity, both in reason informed or uninformed by experience, that it seems a government fitter for savages than for civilized people.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 91-92

*Among many reasons which determine me to prefer ''monarchy'' to every form of government, this is a principal one. When monarchy is the essential form, it may be more easily and more usefully ''tempered'' with ''aristocracy'' or ''democracy'', or both, than either of them, when they are the essential forms, can be ''tempered'' with ''monarchy''. It seems to me, that the introduction of a real permanent monarchical power, or any thing more than the pageantry of it, into either of these, must destroy them and extinguish them, as a great light extinguishes a less. Where it may easily be shewn, and the true form of our government will demonstrate, without seeking any other example, that very considerable ''aristocratical'' and ''democratical powers'' may be grafted on a ''monarchical stock'', without diminishing the lustre, or restraining the power and authority of the prince, enough to alter in any degree the essential form.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 92-93

*There must be an absolute, unlimited, and uncontroulable power lodged ''somewhere'' in every government; but to constitute monarchy, or the government of a single person, it is not necessary that this power should be lodged in the monarch ''alone''. 
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 93

*There are ''limitations'' indeed that would destroy the ''essential form'' of monarchy: or, in other words, a monarchical constitution may be changed, under pretence of limiting the monarch. This happened among us in the last century, when the vilest usurpation, and the most infamous tyranny, were established over our nation, by some of the worst and some of the meanest men in it. I will not say, that the ''essential form'' of monarchy should be preserved, tho the preservation of it were to cause the loss of ''liberty''. ''Salus reipsuprema lex esto'', is a fundamental law: and sure I am, the ''safety'' of a commonwealth is ill provided for, if the ''liberty'' be given up. But this I presume to say, and can demonstrate, that ''all'' the limitations necessary to preserve liberty, as long as the ''spirit'' of it subsists, and longer than that, no limitations of monarchy, nor any other form of government, can preserve it, are ''compatible'' with monarchy.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 96

*My aim is to fix this principle, that ''limitations'' on a crown ought to be carried ''as far'' as it is necessary to secure the liberties of a people; and that all ''such limitations'' may subsist, without weakening or endangering monarchy.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 97

*As soon as corruption ceases to be an expedient of government, and it will cease to be such as soon as a patriot king is raised to the throne, the ''panacea'' is applied: the spirit of the constitution revives of course; and as fast as it revives, the orders and forms of the constitution are restored to their primitive integrity, and become what they were intended to be; ''real barriers'' against arbitrary power, not ''blinds'' nor ''masks'' under which tyranny may lie concealed. Depravation of manners exposed the constitution to ruin; reformation will secure it.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 134

*A patriot king is the most powerful of all reformers; for he is himself a sort of standing miracle, so rarely seen and so little understood, that the sure effects of his appearance will be admiration and love in every honest breast, confusion and terror to every guilty conscience, but submission and resignation in all. A new people will seem to arise with a new king. In numerable metamorphoses, like those which poets feign, will happen in very deed: and while men are conscious that they are the same individuals, the difference of their sentiments will almost persuade them that they are changed into different beings.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 135

*By the principles of the [[Glorious Revolution|Revolution]], a subject may resist, no doubt, the prince who endeavours to ruin and enslave his people, and may push this resistance to the dethronement and exclusion of him and his race: but will it follow, that, because we may justly take arms against a prince whose right to govern we once acknowledged, and who by subsequent acts has forfeited that right, we may swear to a right we do not acknowledge, and resist a prince whose conduct has not forfeited the right we swore to, nor given any just dispensation from our oaths?
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 171

*The situation of ''Great Britain'', the character of her people, and the nature of her government fit her for trade and commerce. Her climate and her soil make them necessary to her well being. By trade and commerce we grew a rich and powerful nation, and by their decay we are growing poor and impotent. As trade and commerce enrich, so they fortify our country. The sea is our barrier, ships are our fortresses, and the mariners, that trade and commerce alone can furnish, are the garrisons to defend them.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 184-185

*The ''French'' may improve their natural wealth and power by the improvement of trade and commerce. We can have no wealth, nor power by consequence, as ''Europe'' is now constituted, without the improvement of them, nor in any degree but proportionably to this improvement.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 186

*The result of what has been said is, ''in general'', that the wealth and power of all nations depending so much on their trade and commerce, and every nation being...in such different circumstances of advantage or disadvantage in the pursuit of this common interest; a good government, and therefore the government of a patriot king, will be directed constantly to make the most of every advantage that nature has given, or art can procure towards the improvement of trade and commerce. And this is one of the principal criterions, by which we are to judge whether governors are in the true interest of the people, or not.&lt;br&gt;It results, ''in particular'', that ''Great Britain'' might improve her wealth and power in a proportion superior to that of any nation who can be deemed her rival, if the advantages she has were as wisely cultivated, as they will be in the reign of a patriot king.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 186-187

*A patriot king will neither neglect, nor sacrifice his country's interest. No other interest, neither a foreign nor a domestic, neither a public nor a private, will influence his conduct in government... To give ease and encouragement to manufactory at home, to assist and protect trade abroad, to improve and keep in heart the national colonies, like so many farms of the mother-country, will be principal and constant parts of the attention of such a prince.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 190-191

*By a continual attention to improve her natural, that is her maritime strength, by collecting all her forces with in herself, and reserving them to be laid out on great occasions, such as regard her immediate interests and her honour, or such as are truly important to the general system of power in ''Europe''; she may be the ''arbitrator'' of ''differences'', the ''guardian'' of ''liberty'', and the ''preserver'' of that ''[[w:Balance of power (international relations)|Balance]]'', which has been so much talked of, and is so little understood.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 193-194

*Like other amphibious animals, we must come occasionally on shore: but the water is more properly our element, and in it, like them, as we find our greatest security, so we exert our greatest force.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), p. 195

*In his place, concord will appear, brooding peace and prosperity on the happy land; joy fitting in every face, content in every heart; a people unoppressed, undisturbed, unalarmed; busy to improve their private property and the public stock; fleets covering the ocean; bringing home wealth by the returns of industry; carrying assistance or terror abroad by the direction of wisdom; and asserting triumphantly the right and the honour of ''Great Britain'', as far as waters roll and as winds can waft them.&lt;br&gt;Those who live to see such happy days, and to act in so glorious a scene, will perhaps call to mind with some tenderness of sentiment, when he is no more, a ''man'', who contributed his mite to carry on so good a work, and who desired life for nothing so much, as to see a king of ''Great Britain'' the most popular man in his country, and a ''patriot king'' at the head of an united people.
**''The Idea of a Patriot King'' (1738), quoted in ''Letters, on the Spirit of Patriotism: On the Idea of a Patriot King: And On the State of Parties, at the Accession of King George the First'' (1749), pp. 225-226

* We are born too late to see the beginning, and we did too soon to see the end of many things.
** ''On the Study and Use of History''

* I have read somewhere or other, — in [[w:Dionysius of Halicarnassus|Dionysius of Halicarnassus]], I think, — that history is philosophy teaching by examples.
** ''On the Study and Use of History'', letter 2; in fact this relates to a third-century AD treatise on rhetoric, wrongly attributed to Dionysius of Halicarnassus, which says (xi. 2): &quot;The contact with manners then is education; and this Thucydides appears to assert when he says history is philosophy learned from examples&quot;. The line is not found in Thucydides.

* Nations, like men, have their infancy.
** ''On the Study and Use of History'', letter 4 (1752)

* They ([[w:Thucydides|Thucydides]] and [[w:Xenophon|Xenophon]]) maintained the dignity of history.
** ''On the Study and Use of History'', letter 5 (1752); compare [[Henry Fielding]], ''Tom Jones'', book xi. chap. ii.; [[Horace Walpole]], ''Advertisement to Letter to Sir Horace Mann''; [[Thomas Babington Macaulay, 1st Baron Macaulay|Thomas Babington Macaulay]], ''History of England'', vol. i. chap. i.

* The landed men are the true owners of our political vessel, the moneyed men are no more than passengers in it.
** ''Some Reflections on the Present State of the Nation'' (1753)

* The second proposition admits and encourages the very practice we censure so justly, for which the saint [ [[Augustine of Hippo]] ] was so famous, and by which he contributed so much to promote contentions in his own days, and to perpetuate them to ours. The practice of deducing doctrines from the scriptures that are not evidently contained in them... Who does not see that the direct tendency of this practice is exactly the same as the event has proved it to be? It composes and propagates a religion, seemingly under the authority of God, but really under that of man. The principles of [[revelation]] are lost in [[theology]], or disfigured by it: and whilst some men are impudent enough to pretend, others are silly enough to believe, that they adhere to the [[gospel]], and maintain the cause of God against infidels and heretics, when they do nothing better, nor more, than espouse the conceits of men, whom enthusiasm, or the ambition of forming sects, or of making a great figure in them, has inspired. If you ask now what the practice of the [[w:Church Fathers|christian fathers]], and of other divines, should have been, in order to preserve the purity of faith, and to promote peace and charity, the answer is obvious... They should have adhered to the word of God: they should have paid no regard to [[w:Ancient Greek philosophy|heathen philosophy]], [[Judaism|jewish]] [[w:Kabbalah|cabala]], the sallies of enthusiasm, or the refinements of human ingenuity: they should have embraced, and held fast the articles of faith and doctrine, that were delivered in plain terms, or in unequivocal figures: they should not have been [[w:Dogma|dogmatical]] where the sense was doubtful, nor have presumed even to guess where the [[w:Holy Spirit (Christianity)|Holy Ghost]] left the veil of mystery undrawn.
** [http://books.google.com/books?id=E6ATAAAAQAAJ ''Lord Bolingbroke's Philosophical Works''] (1754) Vol.III, Essay IV, Sect XVI

* It is the modest, not the presumptuous, inquirer who makes a real and safe progress in the discovery of divine truths. One follows Nature and Nature's God; that is, he follows God in his works and in his word.
** Letter to [[Alexander Pope]]; compare: &quot;Slave to no sect, who takes no private road, But looks through Nature up to Nature’s God&quot;, [[Alexander Pope]], ''Essay on Man'', epistle iv. line 331.

* The shortest and surest way of arriving at real knowledge is to unlearn the lessons we have been taught, to mount the first principles, and take nobody's word about them.
** As quoted in ''Treasury of Wisdom, Wit and Humor, Odd Comparisons and Proverbs'' (1891) by Adam Woolever

==Quotes about Bolingbroke==
*Who now reads Bolingbroke? Who ever read him through? ... I do not often quote Bolingbroke, nor have his works in general, left any permanent impression on my mind. He is a presumptuousness and a superficial writer. But he has one observation, which in my opinion, is not without depth and solidity. He says, that he prefers a monarchy to other governments; because you can better ingraft any description of republic on a monarchy than any thing of monarchy upon the republican forms. I think him perfectly in the right. 
**[[Edmund Burke]], ''[[Reflections on the Revolution in France]]'' (1790), pp. 133, 187

*He engaged young, and distinguished himself in business; and his penetration was almost intuition. I am old enough to have heard him speak in parliament. And I remember that, though prejudiced against him by party, I felt all the force and charms of his eloquence. Like Belial in [[John Milton|Milton]], “he made the worse appear the better cause.” All the internal and external advantages and talents of an orator are undoubtedly his. Figure, voice, elocution, knowledge, and, above all, the purest and most florid diction, with the justest metaphors and happiest images, had raised him to the post of Secretary at War, at four-and-twenty years old, an age at which others are hardly thought fit for the smallest employments. 
**[[Philip Stanhope, 4th Earl of Chesterfield|Earl of Chesterfield]] to his son (12 December 1749) quoted in ''Letters Written By The Late Right Honourable Philip Dormer Stanhope, Earl Of Chesterfield, To His Son, Philip Stanhope, Esq. Late Envoy-Extraordinary At The Court Of Dresden: Together with Several Other Pieces On Various Subjects: In Four Volumes, Volume II'' (1792), p. 292

*Lord Bolingbroke, one of the ablest men who ever lived, was a firm and uncompromising Tory, and he advocated triennial Parliaments. He said that without this there was no security for the people, no integrity for the constitution.
**[[Benjamin Disraeli]], speech in High Wycombe (27 November 1832), quoted in  ''Selected Speeches of the late Right Honourable the Earl of Beaconsfield: Volume II'', ed. T. E. Kebbel (1882), p. 7

*He was called indeed a tory; but his writings prove him a stronger advocate for liberty than any of his countrymen, the whigs of the present day. Irritated by his exile, he committed one act unworthy of him, in connecting himself momentarily with a prince rejected by his country. But he redeemed that single act by his establishment of the principles which proved it to be wrong. ... Lord Bolingbroke's...is a style of the highest order. The lofty, rhythmical, full-flowing eloquence of [[Cicero]]. Periods of just measure, their members proportioned, their close full and round. His conceptions, too, are bold and strong, his diction copious, polished and commanding as his subject. His writings are certainly the finest samples in the English language, of the eloquence proper for the Senate. His political tracts are safe reading for the most timid religionist, his philosophical, for those who are not afraid to trust their reason with discussions of right and wrong. 
**[[Thomas Jefferson]] to Francis Eppes (19 January 1821), quoted in Thomas Jefferson, ''Writings'', ed. Merrill D. Peterson (1984), p. 1451

*I think Mr. secretary St. John the greatest young man I ever knew: wit, capacity, beauty, quickness of apprehension, good learning, and an excellent taste; the best orator in the house of commons, admirable conversation, good nature, and good manners; generous, and a despiser of money. His only fault is, talking to his friends in way of complaint of too great load of business, which looks a little like affectation; and he endeavours too much to mix the fine gentleman, and the man of pleasure, with the man of business. What truth and sincerity he may have, I know not.
**[[Jonathan Swift]], Letter XXXIII (23 October 1711), ''[[w:A Journal to Stella|A Journal to Stella]]'', quoted in ''The Works of Jonathan Swift, containing additional letters, tracts, and poems, with notes, and a life of the author, by W. Scott, Volume II'' (1824), pp. 405–406

*[T]he accomplishments of his mind, which was adorned with the choicest gifts that God has yet thought fit to bestow upon the children of men; a strong memory, a clear judgment, a vast range of wit and fancy, a thorough comprehension, an invincible eloquence, with a most agreeable elocution.
**[[Jonathan Swift]], ''An Inquiry into the Behaviour of the Queen's last Ministry, &amp;c.'' (June 1715), quoted ''The Works of the Rev. Jonathan Swift, Volume 4'', ed. Thomas Sheridan (1801), in p. 310

== External links==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
* [http://www.eighteenthcenturypoetry.org/authors/pers00082.shtml Henry St John, 1st Viscount Bolingbroke at the Eighteenth-Century Poetry Archive (ECPA)]
* {{Gutenberg author |id=Bolingbroke,+Henry+St.+John,+Viscount}}
* [http://www.berkshirehistory.com/bios/hstjohn_vbol.html Royal Berkshire History: Henry St John, Viscount Bolingbroke]
{{Social and political philosophers}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Bolingbroke, Henry Saint John, 1st Viscount}}
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[[Category:Philosophers from England]]
[[Category:1678 births]]
[[Category:1751 deaths]]
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What is the source for the Twain quote? I've heard it was misattributed. --[[User:66.108.42.146|66.108.42.146]] 23:38, 3 April 2006 (UTC)
: The earliest source I can find for what was an unsourced quote attributed to Twain is not anything by him, and I have noted this in its entry.
* History doesn't repeat itself, but it does rhyme. 
** This is very often attributed to [[Mark Twain]], but the earliest published source yet located is by Joseph Anthony Wittreich in ''Feminist Milton'' (1987) where he writes: &quot;History may not repeat itself but it does rhyme, and every gloss by a deconstructionist need not be a loss, pushing us further into an abyss of skepticism and indeterminacy.&quot;
: Thanks for the info on the lack of sourcing of this quote. If any earlier publications of such a remark are found, please note them. ~ [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 23:26, 5 May 2010 (UTC)
** James George Eayrs attributes the quote to Mark Twain as early as 1971 in his book &quot;Diplomacy and its discontents&quot;, page 121: &quot;When Mark Twain declared ‘History does not repeat itself, but it rhymes,’ he went about as far as he could go.&quot; [http://books.google.com/books?lr=&amp;cd=2&amp;num=100&amp;as_brr=0&amp;as_drrb_is=b&amp;as_minm_is=0&amp;as_miny_is=1900&amp;as_maxm_is=0&amp;as_maxy_is=1989&amp;id=wVImAAAAMAAJ&amp;dq=history+%22but+it+rhymes%22&amp;q=%22but+it+rhymes%22]

* A verse in [[w:John Robert Colombo|John Robert Colombo's]] poem, “A Said Poem”, published in ''Neo Poems'' (1970), reads: “ ‘History never repeats itself but it rhymes,’ said Mark Twain.” In a private communication, Colombo wrote: “Twain's observation -- correction: the observation attributed to Twain -- has been around since the 1960s. There is no source for it with which I am familiar.” —[[User:KHirsch|KHirsch]] 02:44, 6 July 2010 (UTC)

* &lt;i&gt;Quote Investigator&lt;/i&gt; reports his investigation here: http://quoteinvestigator.com/2014/01/12/history-rhymes/  He or she concludes, &quot;. . . the earliest known evidence of this popular quotation appeared in 1970 [by John Robert Colombo as noted above], but that date is many decades after the death of Mark Twain. Hence there is no substantive support for the Twain ascription. Precursors mentioning history and rhyme were published before 1970, but the statements were not compact and witty.&quot;  In the introduction to the 1874 edition of “The Gilded Age: A Tale of To-Day,” which he co-wrote with his neighbor Charles Dudley Warner, Twain did write &quot;History never repeats itself, but the Kaleidoscopic combinations of the pictured present often seem to be constructed out of the broken fragments of antique legends.&quot;

== Unsourced ==
*We spend a great deal of time studying history, which, let's face it, is mostly the history of stupidity. 
**[[Stephen Hawking]]

* Any event, once it has occurred, can be made to appear inevitable by a competent historian.
** [[Lee Simonson]]

* History doesn't always repeat itself. Sometimes it just screams, &quot;Why don't you listen to me?&quot; and lets fly with a big stick. 
** [[John W. Campbell Jr]]

* History is an angel falling backward into the future. 
** [[Laurie Anderson]]

* History is but the unrolled scroll of prophecy.
** [[James A. Garfield]]

* History is not a particular branch of knowledge, but a particular mode and method of knowledge in other branches.
** [[Lord Acton]]

* History is not to be searched for practical lessons, the applicability of which will always be doubtful in view of the inexhaustible novelty of circumstances and combinations of causes, but just this, that the mind acquire a sensitiveness an imaginative range.
** [[Pieter Geyl]]

* History is the depository of great actions, the witness of what is past, the example and instructor of the present, and monitor to the future.
** [[Miguel Cervantes]]

* History is the sum total of things that could have been avoided.
** [[Konrad Adenauer]] 
 
* History is waiting to be made as each new opportunity passes before us.
** [[J. William Jennings II]]

* History maketh a young man to be old, without either wrinkles or gray hairs,—privileging him with the experience of age, without either the infirmities or inconveniences thereof.
** [[Thomas Fuller]]

* History teaches everything, even the future.
** [[Alphonse de Lamartine]]

* It is when the hour of the conflict is over that history comes to a right understanding of the strife, and is ready to exclaim, &quot;Lo, God is here, and we knew him not!&quot;
** [[Bancroft]]

* The past actually happened.  History is what someone took the time to write down.
** [[A. Whiteney Brown]] 

* The happiest times of humanity are the blank pages in the book of history.
** [[Leopold von Ranke]]

* The history of man is a series of conspiracies to win from nature some advantage without paying for it. 
** [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]]

* The world's history is a divine poem of which the history of every nation is a canto and every man a word. Its strains have been pealing along down the centuries, and though there have been mingled the discords of warring cannon and dying men, yet to the Christian philosopher and historian—the humble listener—there has been a divine melody running through the song which speaks of hope and halcyon days to come.
** [[James A. Garfield]] 

* There is no history worthy of attention but that of a free people; the history of a people subjected to despotism is only a collection of anecdotes.
** [[Nicolas Chamfort]]

* This I hold to be the chief office of history, to rescue virtuous actions from the oblivion to which a want of records would consign them, and that men should feel a dread of being considered infamous in the opinions of posterity, from their depraved expressions and base actions.
** [[Tacitus]]

* You cannot possibly understand History without first understanding History's past.
** [[Dan Bloomfield]]  

* Writing history is like drinking an ocean and pissing a cupful. 
** [[Gustave Flaubert]]

* History is always on the move, slowly eroding today’s orthodoxy and making space for yesterday’s heresy.
** [[International Baccalaureate]]

* I believe that the more you know about the past, the better you are prepared for the future.
** [[Theodore Roosevelt]]
 
*History…is indeed little more than the register of the crime, follies, and misfortune of mankind.
** [[Edward Gibbon]]

* It is history that teaches us to hope.
** [[Robert E Lee]]

== Stars , Constellation and Signs of Zodiac ==

Can someone tell more about those things I've listed . I've been trying to find out about Zodiac signs nn I've found that stars are really our minds nn our guide. 
 
 Imma tell you about my shocked story ≈

Since ii was young ii used to questions myself may questions about  LiFe nn my character to play in Planet . ii was totally different from others . Some Questions that were in my mind:
i.e who am l ?  Am I the real human ? Why ii think more than my mind ? nn ii used to believe that I'm the person who supported to be ? I've got all that stuff in my brain since ii was young . ii didn't ignore it but I've tried to dig in and dig in . There was a day were my mind felt like an alien . That day wasn't just Day to me but I've found what i was looking for 4 all this yrs . That were I knew that ( I'm Aquarius ) but still there's something that don't make sense to me  .( In LyF yuu learn until yuu move into another life . ) I still wants answers can anybody help ? I wanna know more about Earth living  ?

Contact me on Facebook :
≈ The Vision of Aquarius 

I'll like to know more about the life we live as human beings [[Special:Contributions/41.116.17.171|41.116.17.171]] 00:02, 12 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
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    <title>The Adventures of Baron Munchausen</title>
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'''''[[w:The Adventures of Baron Munchausen|The Adventures of Baron Munchausen]]''''' is a [[w:1988 in film|1988 film]] about Baron Munchausen's supposed travels and fantastical experiences with his band of misfits.
:''Directed by [[w:Terry Gilliam|Terry Gilliam]]. Written by [[w:Charles McKeown|Charles McKeown]] and [[w:Terry Gilliam|Terry Gilliam]].''
{{center|'''Bull. He was full of it.''' ([[#Taglines|taglines]])}}

== Baron Munchausen ==
* Reality? Your &quot;reality&quot;, sir, is lies and balderdash, and I'm delighted to say that I have no grasp of it whatsoever.
* And that was only one of the many occasions on which I met my death, an experience which I never hesitate strongly to recommend.
* Trust me, madam. Your underwear is in good hands.
* I have learned from experience that a modicum of snuff can be most efficacious.
* Everyone who had a talent for it lived happily ever after.

==Other==
* '''The King of the Moon''': ''Cogito ergo est''. I think, therefore you is.
* '''Berthold''': Is there a doctor in the fish?

:'''Horatio Jackson''': ''Six'' enemy cannon and rescuing...
:'''Functionary''': Ten.
:'''Horatio Jackson''': Ten of our men held captive by The Turk.
:'''Heroic Officer''': Yes, sir.
:'''Horatio Jackson''': The officer about whom we've heard so much.
:'''Heroic Officer''': I suppose so, sir.
:'''Horatio Jackson''': Always taking risks far beyond the call of duty.
:'''Heroic Officer''': I only did my best, sir.
:'''Horatio Jackson''': Have him executed at once.
:'''Soldier''': Yes, sir. Come along.
:'''Horatio Jackson''': This sort of behavior is demoralizing for the ordinary soldiers and citizens who are trying to lead normal, simple, unexceptional lives. I think things are difficult enough as it is without these emotional people rocking the boat.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Baron Munchausen''': The Sultan is going to cut off my head.
:'''Adolphus''': And?
:'''Baron Muchausen''': And?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Horatio Jackson''': We've discussed it. ''You'' surrender.
:'''Sultan''': But, we're winning!
:'''Horatio Jackson''': ''We'' surrendered last time! Now, it's ''your'' turn.
:'''Sultan''': What about the virgins?
:'''Horatio Jackson''': Oh, please forget about the virgins. We're fresh out of virgins.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sultan''': Have you any famous last words?
:'''Baron Munchausen''': Not yet.
:'''Sultan''': &quot;Not yet?&quot; Is that so famous?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Baron Munchausen''': I'm Baron Munchausen!
:'''Berthold''': That sounds nasty. Is it contagious?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Baron Munchausen''': Come on, Berthold.
:'''Berthold''': GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME!!!!
:'''Baron Munchausen''': You're coming with us.
:'''Berthold''': No chance!
:'''Baron Munchausen''': Why not?
:'''Berthold''': I can't remember.
:'''Baron Munchausen''': You're not frightened, are you?
:'''Berthold''': That's it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Berthold''': Hang on. Hang on! It's all coming back. I've-I've been stuck here for over twenty years, ever since you were last here on the moon. You abandoned me here! You swine! You toddled off with that old queen of tarts and left me to rot in that parrot cage, didn't you? And now you come back here, just because it suits you, after wasting half my life and expect me to follow you to the ends of the earth!
:'''Baron Munchausen''': Yes.
:'''Berthold''': All right.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sally''': Are you all right?
:'''Baron Munchausen''': Am I dead?
:'''Sally''': No.
:'''Baron Munchausen''': Blast!
:'''Sally''': Who are you really?
:''[Baron Munchausen groans]''
:'''Sally''': Baron Munchausen isn't real, he's only in stories.
:'''Baron Munchausen''': Go away! I'm trying to die!
:'''Sally''': Why?
:'''Baron Munchausen''': Because I'm tired of the world and the world is evidently tired of me.
:'''Sally''': But why? Why?
:'''Baron Munchausen''': Why, why, why! Because it's all logic and reason now. Science, progress, laws of hydraulics, laws of social dynamics, laws of this, that, and the other. No place for three-legged cyclops in the South Seas. No place for cucumber trees and oceans of wine. No place for me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Baron Munchausen''': What's this?
:'''Vulcan''': Oh, this is our prototype. RX, uh, Intercontinental, radar-sneaky, multi-warheaded nuclear missile.
:'''Baron Munchausen''': Ah! What does it do?
:'''Vulcan''': Do? Kills the enemy.
:'''Baron Munchausen''': All the enemy?
:'''Vulcan''': Aye, all of them. All their wives, and all their children, and all their sheep, and all their cattle, and all their cats and dogs. All of them. All of them gone for good.
:'''Sally''': That's horrible.
:'''Vulcan''': Ahh. Well, you see, the advantage is you don't have to see one single one of them die. You just sit comfortably thousands of miles away from the battlefield and simply press the button.
:'''Berthold''': Well, where's the fun in that?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Horatio Jackson''': ''[upon confronting the Baron and his reunited crew after he finishes his story]'' Stop this nonsense at once! You sir, are under arrest for spreading your ridiculous tales at a time of great danger!

== About The Adventures of Baron Munchausen ==
* The negative stories about the shoot that were turning up in the Hollywood press were coming, we found out later, from a source at Film Finances – which was the completion bond company on the film. Their lawyer was a guy named Steve Ransohoff, whose father was Martin Ransohoff – who was Ray Stark's friend and partner. [...] I thought it was quite extraordinary, because the stories were doing two things – they were making me and the whole project look like it was completely out of control and all my fault, and that Film Finance, the completion guarantors, were the only thing holding it together – the people trying to bring control to it... the fact was, they were absolutely useless.
:The ultimate fact was that when the film was ultimately released, there were only 117 prints made for America – so it was never really released. 117 prints! ...an art film gets 400. We were ultimately the victim of Columbia Tri-Star being sold to Sony, because at that time all they were doing was trying to get the books looking as good as possible. We weren't the only film that suffered, but we were the most visible one. And what happened – to complete the story in a neat and tidy way – was that they were not spending any money on advertising to promote any of the movies started by the previous regime – by Putnam's regime. They were burying films left right and center by spending no money on them – and the books looked really good at the end of that.
:The joke is, if you look back, we got the best reviews and we were doing the best business in the opening weeks of any film they had released since Last Emperor. We actually opened well in the big cities – we opened really well. A friend who had bought the video rights said he had never seen anything so weird – Columbia was spending their whole time looking at exit polls to prove the film would not work in the suburbs, and so it would be pointless to make any more prints. He said, &quot;I've never seen anything like this.&quot; There it was. Then it becomes this kind of legend – which it deserves to be... even if it's the wrong legend
:* [[Terry Gilliam]] Plume, Kenneth (November 17, 2000). &quot;Interview with Terry Gilliam (Part 3 of 4)&quot;. IGN.

* The adults who should have been there to protect me were my parents, not you…[but] you can’t underestimate how in awe of you people like them can be. They didn’t want to be an annoyance or an inconvenience to anyone, and it must have been daunting to imagine holding up 100 people for your kid.
:* [[w:Sarah Polley|Sarah Polley]], [http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2015/06/23/the-real-life-fall-of-anakin-skywalker-jake-lloyd-s-journey-from-star-wars-to-prison.html The Real-Life Fall of Anakin Skywalker: Jake Lloyd’s Journey From ‘Star Wars’ to the Slammer] ''The Daily Beast'', 23 June 2015

==Taglines==
*Remarkable. Unbelievable. Impossible. And true.
*Adventure, Comedy, Romance. He was full of it.
*A true story. We've got the film to prove it.
*Bull. He was full of it.
*From the director of &quot;Time Bandits&quot; and &quot;Brazil&quot; a new movie full of NOISE...FLYING OBJECTS...SEAFOOD...CELEBRITIES...COMPASSION...TRAVEL...HONOR...GRAVITY...BULL...he was full of it. The Adventures of Baron Munchausen.

==Cast==
*[[w:John Neville|John Neville]] — Hieronymus Karl Frederick Baron von Munchausen 
*[[Eric Idle]] — Desmond/Berthold 
*[[w:Sarah Polley|Sarah Polley]] — Sally Salt 
*[[w:Oliver Reed|Oliver Reed]] — Vulcan 
*[[w:Charles McKeown|Charles McKeown]] — Rupert/Adolphus 
*[[w:Winston Dennis|Winston Dennis]] — Bill/Albrecht 
*[[w:Jack Purvis|Jack Purvis]] — Jeremy/Gustavus 
*[[w:Valentina Cortese|Valentina Cortese]] — Queen Ariadne/Violet 
*[[w:Jonathan Pryce|Jonathan Pryce]] — The Right Ordinary Horatio Jackson 
*[[w:Bill Paterson|Bill Paterson]] — Henry Salt 
*[[w:Peter Jeffrey|Peter Jeffrey]] — Sultan 
*[[Uma Thurman]] — Venus/Rose
*[[Robin Williams|Ray D. Tutti]] — The King of the Moon

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
*{{imdb title|id=0096764}}

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    <title>Toronto</title>
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      <comment>Reverted edit by [[User:2.51.65.112|2.51.65.112]] ([[User talk:2.51.65.112|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/2.51.65.112|contributions]]) to last version by Ilovemydoodle</comment>
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      <text bytes="4922" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Toronto skyline and waterfront.jpg|thumb|I can put you in a condo, all the way up in Toronto. ~ [[w:T-Pain|Faheem Rashad Najm]]]]
[[File:Toronto - ON - Toronto Skyline2.jpg|thumb|Hit the caribana every year in Toronto. ~ [[w:Ludacris|Christopher Brian Bridges]]]]

'''[[w:Toronto|Toronto]]''' is a major city in [[Canada]], [[w:List of the 100 largest municipalities in Canada by population|most populous city]] in the country, and the [[w:Provinces and territories of Canada|provincial]] [[w:capital city|capital]] of [[w:Ontario|Ontario]]. It is located in [[w:Southern Ontario|Southern Ontario]] on the northwestern shore of [[w:Lake Ontario|Lake Ontario]]. 

The [[w:history of Toronto|history of Toronto]] began in the late 18th century when the British Crown [[w:Toronto Purchase|purchased]] its land from the [[w:Mississaugas of the New Credit First Nation|Mississaugas of the New Credit]]. The British established a settlement there, called the [[w:York, Upper Canada|Town of York]], which its [[w:Lieutenant Governor of Upper Canada|lieutenant governor]], [[w:John Graves Simcoe|John Graves Simcoe]], designated as the capital of [[w:Upper Canada|Upper Canada]]. The city was ransacked in the [[w:Battle of York|Battle of York]] during the [[w:War of 1812|War of 1812]]. In 1834, York was incorporated as a city and [[w:Name of Toronto|renamed]] Toronto. It was damaged in two huge fires in [[w:Great Fire of Toronto (1849)|1849]] and [[w:Great Fire of Toronto (1904)|1904]]. Over the years, Toronto has expanded its borders several times through [[w:Amalgamation of Toronto|amalgamation]] with surrounding municipalities, most recently in 1998. According to the [[w:Canada 2011 Census|2011 Census]], the city is the [[w:List of North American cities by population|fifth-most populous city in North America]].

== Quotes ==
* York is just emerging from the woods, but bids fair to be a flourishing town.
**John Bennett, the King's Printer in Upper Canada (1801) {{cite book | last1 = Arthur | first1 = Eric | title = Toronto: No Mean City | publisher = University of Toronto Press | year = 1986 | pages = 32 | url = http://books.google.com/books?id=w3QaRm89fNEC&amp;pg=PA32&amp;lpg=PA32&amp;dq=%22york+is+just+emerging+from+the+woods,+but+bids%22+toronto&amp;source=bl&amp;ots=eCbR01y0bB&amp;sig=ZBnpJCltbetASaIU9pcCzNVVG8M&amp;hl=en&amp;ei=910dTa6SBMzsnQem7rBr&amp;sa=X&amp;oi=book_result&amp;ct=result&amp;resnum=2&amp;ved=0CBkQ6AEwAQ#v=onepage&amp;q=york%20is%20just%20emerging&amp;f=false | accessdate = 2010-12-31}}

*Hit the caribana every year in Toronto.
**[[w:Ludacris|Christopher Brian Bridges]], [http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/ludacris/pimpinallovertheworld.html &quot;Pimpin' All Over The World&quot;] (December 2004), ''Red Light District''

* Houses of ill-fame in Toronto? Certainly not. The whole city is an immense house of ill fame.
** C. S. Clark, ''Of Toronto the Good'' (1898)

* It is not squalid like Birmingham, or cramped like Canton, or scattered like Edmonton, or sham like Berlin, or hellish like New York, or tiresome like Nice. It is all right. The only depressing thing is that it will always be what it is, only larger, and that no Canadian city can ever be anything better or different. If they are good they may become Toronto.
** [[w:Rupert Brooke|Rupert Brooke]] (1913) {{cite web | url = http://torontoist.com/2011/04/historicist_a_handful_of_people_who_know_about_books.php | title = Historicist: A Handful of People Who Know About Books | accessdate = 2011-04-11 | last = Plummer | first = Kevin | date = 2011-04-09 | work = Torontoist}}

* Indeed I have always found that the only thing in regard to Toronto which faraway people know for certain is that McGill University is in it.
** [[Stephen Leacock]], ''My Discovery of the West'' (1937)

*I can put you in a condo, all the way up in Toronto.
**[[w:T-Pain|Faheem Rashad Najm]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GxwEd8QfVCE &quot;Can't Believe It&quot;] (June 2008)

* Last night I Had a dream about Toronto. I was on my bicycle, cruising about in front of the old house. And, as usual in my dreams, I was a little girl again. A little girl in Toronto, with long golden curls.
** [[w:Mary Pickford|Mary Pickford]], interview in the [[w:Toronto Telegram|Toronto Telegram]] ([[1968-06-22]])

* Toronto as a city carries out the idea of Canada as a country. It is a calculated crime against the aspirations of the soul and the affection of the heart.
** [[Aleister Crowley]], ''The Confessions of Aleister Crowley'' (1970)

* Parish's observant father had once commented to her that Toronto was a city of straight streets and square corners built by Scottish bankers to make money - not to look at the beautiful lake or the wonderful valleys and forests. He was mostly right, but Bay was a rare exception to the city's linear grid.
** [[w:Robert Rotenberg|Robert Rotenberg]], ''Old City Hall'' (2009)

==External links==
{{Wikipedia}}
{{Wiktionary}}
{{Wikivoyage}}

[[Category:Cities in Canada]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Nations</title>
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      <text bytes="20189" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Flag-map of the world.svg|thumb|The great nations have always acted like gangsters, and the small nations like prostitutes. ~ [[Stanley Kubrick]]]]
[[File:World map 2004 CIA large 2m.jpg|thumb|This is the vanity of every principality&amp;mdash;and notable for a nation—that the principality is sovereign in history; which is to say, that it presumes it is the power in relation to which the moral significance of everything and everyone else is determined. ~ [[William Stringfellow]]]]
[[File:Battle_of_Springfield_NJ_1780.jpg|thumb|Nations, like men, have their infancy. ~ [[Henry Bolingbroke]]]]
[[File:Battle of Guiliford Courthouse 15 March 1781.jpg|thumb|Happy are all free peoples, too strong to be dispossessed. But blessed are those among nations who dare to be strong for the rest! ~ [[Elizabeth Barrett Browning]]]]
[[File:Iraqi girls playing.jpg|thumb|If we're an arrogant nation, they'll resent us. If we're a humble nation, but strong, they'll welcome us. ~ [[George W. Bush]]]]
[[File:The United Nations Secretariat Building.jpg|thumb|[[Race]] had never been a defining element in successful [[w:Nation state|nation]] states. The true definition always depended far more on distinctions in language, culture, and political institutions. ~ [[William C. Davis (historian)|William Davis]]]]
[[File:Naturalization ceremony at Kennedy Space Center.jpg|thumb|The law of nations knows of no distinction of color. ~ ''[http://civilwartalk.com/threads/the-lieber-code.7631/ The Lieber Code of 1863]'']]
[[File:U.S. flag (35 stars).svg|thumb|Come all you true friends of the nation, attend to humanity's call! ~ ''Lincoln and Liberty'']]
[[File:Five Presidents 2009.jpg|thumb|Don't ever confuse my nation with its current ruler. ~ Marcus Chaplin]]
[[File:Flag of the United Kingdom.svg|thumb|No man has a right to fix the boundary of the march of a nation; no man has a right to say to his country, thus far shalt thou go and no further. ~ [[Charles Stewart Parnell]]]]
A '''nation''' is a stable community of people, formed on the basis of a common [[language]], territory, [[history]], ethnicity, or psychological make-up manifested in a common [[culture]]. 
__NOTOC__
{{TOCalpha|[[#Respectfully Quoted: A Dictionary of Quotations (1989)|''Respectfully Quoted: A Dictionary of Quotations'']]}}
==A==
* The introduction of the Christian religion into the world has produced an incalculable change in history. There had previously been only a history of nations — there is now a history of mankind; and the idea of an education of human nature as a whole, — an education the work of Jesus Christ Himself — is become like a compass for the historian, the key of history, and the hope of nations.
** [[Jean-Henri Merle d'Aubigné]], reported in Josiah Hotchkiss Gilbert, ''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895), p. 141.

==B==
* Nations, like men, have their infancy.
** [[Henry Bolingbroke]], ''Letters on Study and Use of History'' (1752).

* Happy are all free peoples, too strong to be dispossessed. But blessed are those among nations who dare to be strong for the rest!
** [[Elizabeth Barrett Browning]], &quot;A Court Lady&quot;, stanza 20, ''The Poetical Works of Elizabeth Barrett Browning'' (1974), p. 418.

* If we're an arrogant nation, they'll resent us. If we're a humble nation, but strong, they'll welcome us.
**[[George W. Bush]], [http://www.pbs.org/newshour/bb/politics/july-dec00/for-policy_10-12.html presidential debate] (11 October 2000).

==C==

*The coming of a new life always excites our interest. Although we know in the case of the individual that it has been an infinite repetition reaching back beyond our vision, that only makes it the more wonderful. But how our interest and wonder increase when we behold the miracle of the birth of a new nation.
**[[Calvin Coolidge]], [[wikisource:Calvin Coolidge's Speech on the Occasion of the 150th Anniversary of the Declaration of Independence|speech on the Occasion of the 150th Anniversary of the Declaration of Independence]] (5 July 1926).

==D==
*Nations do not now stand in the same relation to each other that they did ages ago. No nation can now shut itself up from the surrounding world, and trot round in the same old path of its fathers without interference. The time was when such could be done. Long established customs of hurtful character could formerly fence themselves in, and do their evil work with social impunity. Knowledge was then confined and enjoyed by the privileged few, and the multitude walked on in mental darkness. But a change has now come over the affairs of mankind. Walled cities and empires have become unfashionable. The arm of commerce has borne away the gates of the strong city. Intelligence is penetrating the darkest corners of the globe. It makes its pathway over and under the sea, as well as on the earth. Wind, steam, and lightning are its chartered agents. Oceans no longer divide, but link nations together.
**[[Frederick Douglass]], [[w:What_to_the_Slave_is_the_Fourth_of_July%3F|&quot;What to the Slave is the Fourth of July?&quot;]]

*The [[honor]] of a nation is an important thing. It is said in the Scriptures, “What doth it profit a man if he gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?” It may be said, also, What doth it profit a nation if it gain the whole world, but lose its honor?
**[[Frederick Douglass]], [https://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/document/what-the-black-man-wants/ &quot;What the Black Man Wants&quot;] (1865)

*When the architect intends a grand structure, he makes the foundation broad and strong. We should imitate this prudence in laying the foundations of the future republic. There is a law of harmony in all departments of nature. The oak is in the acorn. The career and destiny of individual men are enfolded in the elements of which they are composed. The same is true of a nation. It will be something or it will be nothing. It will be great, or it will be small, according to its own essential qualities. As these are rich and varied, or pure and simple, slender and feeble, broad and strong, so will be the life and destiny of the nation itself. The stream cannot rise higher than its source. The ship cannot sail faster than the wind. The flight of the arrow depends upon the strength and elasticity of the bow, and as with these, so with a nation.
**[[Frederick Douglass]], [http://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/document/our-composite-nationality/ ''Our Composite Nationality''] (7 December 1869), Boston, Massachusetts

==G==

* As for Me, behold, My covenant is with you, And you will be the father of a multitude of nations. &quot;No longer shall your name be called Abram, But your name shall be Abraham; For I will make you the father of a multitude of nations. &quot;I will make you exceedingly fruitful, and I will make nations of you, and kings will come forth from you.…
** Genesis 17:5.

==H==
* And I will shake all the nations, and the precious things of all the nations will come in; and I will fill this house with glory,’ says [[Jehovah]] of armies.
** [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/haggai/2/ Haggai 2:7], [[New World Translation|NWT]]

* Honesty, decency, faithfulness, and comradeship, ... must be shown when dealing with those of like blood but to no one else. What happens to a Russian, to a Czech, does not interest me in the slightest. . . . Whether nations live in prosperity or starve to death like cattle interests me only insofar as we need them as slaves for our culture. . . . Whether 10,000 Russian females collapse from exhaustion while digging an antitank ditch interests me only insofar as the antitank ditch for Germany is finished.
** [[Heinrich Himmler]], cited in ''[[w:Awake!|Awake!]]'' magazine 1987, 3/22, article: ''The World Since 1914, Part 2; 1929-1934 Worldwide Depression and On to War Again''

==I==
* A nation is a society united by a delusion about its ancestry and by a common hatred of its neighbours.
** [[William Ralph Inge]], ''The End of an Age: and other essays'' (1948), p. 127.

[[File:The Old Flag Never Touched the Ground.jpg|thumb|Nations will certainly go to your light, and kings to the brightness of your shining forth. ~ ''[[Book of Isaiah]]'']]
* Look! The nations are like a drop from a bucket,&lt;br&gt;And as the film of [[dust]] on the scales they are regarded.&lt;br&gt;Look! He lifts up the islands like fine dust.
** ''[[Book of Isaiah]]'' [[w:Isaiah 40|40:15]].

* Nations will certainly go to your light, and kings to the brightness of your shining forth.
** ''[[Book of Isaiah]]'' [[w:Isaiah 60#Verse 3|60:3]]

* The little one will become a thousand, and the small one a mighty nation. I myself, Jehovah, will speed it up in its own time.
** ''[[Book of Isaiah]]'' [[w:Isaiah 60#Verse 3|60:22]].

==J==

* She gave birth to a son, a male, who is to shepherd all the nations with an iron rod. And her child was snatched away to God and to his throne.
** [[John the Evangelist]], [http://wol.jw.org/en/wol/b/r1/lp-e/nwt/E/2013/66/12#h=72:0-72:153 Revelation 12:5], [[New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures]]

==K==
[[File:Minute_Man_Statue_Lexington_Massachusetts_cropped.jpg|thumb|[T]hough affluence is a good thing, and the spirit of compassionate reform is a good thing, in the end a nation survives only to the extent that the spirit of self-discipline and self-sacrifice is strong and vital. ~ [[Irving Kristol]]]]
*[T]hough affluence is a good thing, and the spirit of compassionate reform is a good thing, in the end a nation survives only to the extent that the spirit of self-discipline and self-sacrifice is strong and vital.
**[[Irving Kristol]], [https://www.fordlibrarymuseum.gov/library/document/0204/1511691.pdf memorandum to Robert T. Hartmann] (1976)

* The great nations have always acted like gangsters, and the small nations like prostitutes.
** [[Stanley Kubrick]], ''The Guardian'' (1963)

==L==
*There are various ways to protect the nation, but nothing more is patriotic than giving one's life for the nation. This is the best patriotism.
**[[Lee Myung-bak|Myung-bak Lee]], as quoted in [http://www.nknews.org/2015/06/northern-limit-line-about-more-than-past-inter-korean-clash/ &quot;‘Northern Limit Line’ about more than past inter-Korean clash&quot;] (29 June 2015), by Ha-young Choi, ''NK News''

*'''The law of nations knows of no distinction of [[Race|color]]''', and if an enemy of the United States should enslave and sell any captured persons of their army, it would be a case for the severest retaliation, if not redressed upon complaint.
**[http://civilwartalk.com/threads/the-lieber-code.7631/ ''The Lieber Code of 1863''], United States Department of War, 58

*Come all you true friends of the nation, attend to humanity's call!
**[http://store.bobbyhorton.com/track/lincoln-liberty &quot;Lincoln and Liberty&quot;] (1864)

* The nation is worth fighting for.
**[[Abraham Lincoln]], [http://www.abrahamlincolnonline.org/lincoln/speeches/ohio.htm speech to One Hundred Sixty-sixth Ohio Regiment] (22 August 1864)

==M==
*Consider what Nation it is whereof ye are, and whereof ye are the governors: a Nation not slow and dull, but of quick, ingenious, and piercing spirit, acute to invent, suttle and sinewy to discours, not beneath the reach of any point the highest that humane capacity can soar to.
** [[John Milton]], ''Aeropagitica'' (1644)

*If it is worth [[American Revolution|a bloody struggle]] to establish [[United States|this nation]], it is worth one to preserve it.
**[[Oliver P. Morton]], speech (22 November 1860), as quoted in [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:BookSources/0871950502 ''Indiana in the Civil War Era, 1850–1880: History of Indiana III''] (1995), by Emma Lou Thornbrough. Indianapolis: Indiana Historical Society, p. 102

==P==
* No man has a right to fix the boundary of the march of a nation; no man has a right to say to his country - thus far shalt thou go and no further.
** [[Charles Stewart Parnell]], speech (1885)

*What do we call a nation? – People who are of the same origin and who speak the same words and who live and make friends of each other, who have the same customs and songs and entertainment are what we call a nation, and the place where that people lives is called the people's country.
**[[w:Georgi Pulevski|Georgi Pulevski]], ''Dictionary of Three languages: Macedonian, Albanian, Turkish'' (1875)

==S==
*Praise the power that hath made and preserved us a nation!
**&quot;The Star-Spangled Banner&quot;, by [[Francis Scott Key]].

* This is the vanity of every principality&amp;mdash;and notable for a nation—that the principality is sovereign in history; which is to say, that it presumes it is the power in relation to which the moral significance of everything and everyone else is determined. 
** [[William Stringfellow]], ''An Ethic for Christians and Other Aliens in a Strange Land'' (1973), p. 51

==T==
*No nation can plan its future without coming to terms with its past.
** [[Amir Taheri]], [http://www.aawsat.net/2015/02/article55341173 &quot;Opinion: Iran must confront its past to move forwards&quot;], ''Ashraq Al-Awsat'' (February 6, 2015).

* We shall have to learn again to be one nation, or one day we shall be no nation.
**[[Margaret Thatcher]], [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/103926 Conservative Party television broadcast “Winter of Discontent” (January 17, 1979)].

*You can construct a nation on an idea; but you cannot reconstruct a nation on the basis of one.
**[[Margaret Thatcher]], [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/108264 speech at Hoover Institution lunch] (8 March 1991)

==V==
* From a single [[crime]] know the nation.
** [[Virgil]] [Publius Vergilius Maro] (70-19 B.C.), Roman poet. ''Aeneid,'' Book. 2, line 65.

==W==
* A nation is created by [[Family|families]], a [[religion]], [[tradition]]s: it is made up out of the hearts of mothers, the wisdom of fathers, the joy and the exuberance of children.
** [[Wilhelm II, German Emperor]], quoted in ''Ken Magazine'' (15 December 1938)

* No nation is fit to sit in judgement upon any other nation.
** [[Woodrow Wilson]], speech (1915)

==Z==
* In those days ten men out of all the languages of the nations will take hold, yes, they will take firm hold of the robe of a Jew, saying: “We want to go with you, for we have heard that God is with you people.
** ''{{w|Book of Zechariah}}'' [[w:Zechariah 8#Verse 23|8:23]].

* Many of the countries that achieved formal sovereignty through decolonization in the post-World War II period emerged as extremely weak States. That is, they emerged with a level of institutional capacity-of &quot;infrastructural power,&quot; in Michael Mann's useful conceptualization-well below the minimum level one usually associates with the notion of &quot;sovereign State.&quot; Looking at the phenomenon from the perspective of the international system, Robert Jackson has suggested that decolonization brought with it an unprecedented disjunction between &quot;negative&quot; and &quot;positive&quot; sovereignty-that is, between sovereignty in the traditional sense and empirical Statehood, producing &quot;quasi-States.&quot; &lt;br&gt; Whereas in the past, States gained sovereignty only if they mustered the internal capacity to withstand the challenges of other States at the international level, in the contemporary world the situation is partially reversed, in that some of the new States are able to maintain their sovereignty only with the support of the international system. &lt;br&gt; While decolonization has certainly resulted in the proliferation of &quot;weak States,&quot; Jackson exaggerates the newness of the phenomenon; indeed he himself acknowledges that the &quot;new sovereignty game&quot; originated under the League of Nations, when the application of the principle of national self-determination produced a plethora of countries in the Balkans and northern Europe whose capacity for &quot;empirical&quot; Statehood was open to question. In any case, it is quite evident that the resumption of imperial disintegration within eastern Europe following the collapse of Communism is producing additional &quot;quasi-States.&quot; &lt;br&gt; Weak States are prone to protracted internal conflicts, and due to the widespread availability of cheap, rapid-fire weapons, such conflicts are likely to involve high levels of violence.
** Aristide R. Zolberg, [https://www.repository.law.indiana.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1032&amp;context=ijgls “Changing Sovereignty Games and International Migration Changing Sovereignty Games and International Migration”], ''Indiana Journal of Global Legal Studies'', Volume 2, Issue 1, (Fall 1994), pp. 168-169

==''Respectfully Quoted: A Dictionary of Quotations'' (1989)==
* Not gold but only men can make&lt;br&gt;A people great and strong;&lt;br&gt;Men who for truth and honor's sake&lt;br&gt;Stand fast and suffer long.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;Brave men who work while others sleep,&lt;br&gt;Who dare while others fly—&lt;br&gt;They build a nation's pillars deep&lt;br&gt;And lift them to the sky.
** [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], &quot;A Nation's Strength&quot;, stanzas 5 and 6. Masterpieces of Religious Verse, ed. James Dalton Morrison, p. 459 (1948). Granger's Index to Poetry, 6th ed., p. 898 (1973) says the author is unknown and that this is wrongly attributed to Emerson; the poem is not found in Emerson's Complete Works (1903).

* Cleanse the body of this nation&lt;br&gt;Through the glory of the Lord.
** [[Henry Scott Holland]], &quot;Judge Eternal, Throned in Splendor&quot;. Service Book and Hymnal of the Lutheran Church in America, music ed., no. 343 (1958).

* Complete equality of rights for all nations; the right of nations to self-determination; the unity of the workers of all nations—such is the national program that Marxism, the experience of the whole world, and the experience of Russia, teach the workers.
** [[Vladimir Lenin]], &quot;The Right of Nations to Self-Determination&quot;, reported in Vladimir Lenin; Doug Lorimer (2002). ''Marxism &amp; Nationalism''. Resistance Books, p. 125. {{ISBN|1876646136}}.

* Great nations write their autobiographies in three manuscripts, the book of their deeds, the book of their words and the book of their art. Not one of these books can be understood unless we read the two others, but of the three the only trustworthy one is the last.
** [[John Ruskin]], St. Mark's Rest: The History of Venice, Preface p. 1 (1885).

* A nation that can not preserve itself ought to die, and it will die—die in the grasp of the evils it is too feeble to overthrow.
** [[w:Morris Sheppard|Morris Sheppard]], remarks in the Senate (December 18, 1914), ''Congressional Record'', vol. 52, p. 338.

* What defines a ''people'' is not race, not tradition, not geography, but the free choice of a group of human beings to live together as fellow citizens.
** [[w:Thomas G. West|Thomas G. West]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=DjlpSl-x1gMC&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;dq=vindicating+the+founders&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0CC8Q6AEwAGoVChMI0Jf4v8jRxwIVAXo-Ch1tYgf2#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false ''Vindicating the Founders''] (2001), Rowman &amp; Littlefield Publishers, Inc., p. 28.

* Great nations rise and fall. The people go from bondage to spiritual truth, to great courage, from courage to liberty, from liberty to abundance, from abundance to selfishness, from selfishness to complacency, from complacency to apathy, from apathy to dependence, from dependence back again to bondage.
** Author unknown. Attributed to [[Benjamin Disraeli]]. Reported as unverified in ''Respectfully Quoted: A Dictionary of Quotations'' (1989).

* I know three things must always be&lt;br&gt;To keep a nation strong and free.&lt;br&gt;One is a hearthstone bright and dear,&lt;br&gt;With busy, happy loved ones near.&lt;br&gt;One is a ready heart and hand&lt;br&gt;To love, and serve, and keep the land.&lt;br&gt; is a worn and beaten way&lt;br&gt; where the people go to pray.&lt;br&gt; long as these are kept alive,&lt;br&gt;Nation and people will survive.&lt;br&gt;God keep them always, everywhere—&lt;br&gt;The home, the heart, the place of prayer.
** Author unknown, &quot;Three Things&quot;, ''Sourcebook of Poetry'' (1968), comp. Al Bryant, p. 514. A variation of this poem appeared in the Congressional Record, January 14, 1959, vol. 105, Appendix, p. A144.

==See also==
* [[Countries]]
* [[Nationalism]]
* [[Patriotism]]
* [[State]]

==External links==
{{Wikipedia}}
{{wiktionary|nation}}

[[Category:Themes]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>August 12</title>
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      <contributor>
        <username>Kalki</username>
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      <comment>add 1</comment>
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      <text bytes="29093" xml:space="preserve">&lt;div id=&quot;12&quot; style=&quot;margin: 1em 0em; border: thin solid black; padding: 3px; background-color: #CFE5FF; font: bold 14pt sans-serif;&quot;&gt;[[Category:Days]][[w:August 12|August 12]]&lt;/div&gt; &lt;noinclude&gt;'''Quotes of the day''' from previous years:&lt;/noinclude&gt;

;2003
: A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular. ~ [[Adlai Stevenson]]

;2004
: There is a healthful hardiness about real dignity that never dreads contact and communion with others, however humble. ~ [[Washington Irving]]

;2005
: Once we realize that imperfect understanding is the human condition there is no shame in being wrong, only in failing to correct our mistakes. ~ [[George Soros]] (born 12 August [[w:1930|1930]])
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]

;2006
: The world is given to me only once, not one existing and one perceived. Subject and object are only one. The barrier between them cannot be said to have broken down as a result of recent experience in the physical sciences, for this barrier does not exist. ~ [[Erwin Schrödinger]]
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] &lt;!-- * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 00:04, 12 August 2006 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2007
: Faith plays an important role in an open society. Exactly because our understanding is imperfect, we cannot base our decisions on knowledge alone. We need to rely on beliefs, religious or otherwise, to help us make decisions. But we must remain open to the possibility that we may be wrong so that we can correct our mistakes. Otherwise, we are bound to be wrong. ~ [[George Soros]]
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 23:04, 11 August 2007 (UTC)
* 4 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:34, 11 August 2007 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2008
: It has always seemed strange to me that in our endless discussions about education so little stress is laid on the pleasure of becoming an educated person, the enormous interest it adds to life. To be able to be caught up into the world of thought — that is to be educated. ~ [[Edith Hamilton]]
:* proposed by [[User: Zarbon|Zarbon]] &lt;!-- * 3 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:52, 26 May 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 19:29, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 21:03, 11 August 2008 (UTC) but though this has been quoted in this ungrammatical form, which might have been a typo in the original publication, I would quote it as &quot;that is to be educated&quot; which is as it appears in ''Adventures of the Mind : From the Saturday Evening Post'' (1962), by Richard Thruelsen and John Kobler, and many other publications. --&gt;

; 2009
: There are few efforts more conducive to humility than that of the translator trying to communicate an incommunicable beauty. Yet, unless we do try, something unique and never surpassed will cease to exist except in the libraries of a few inquisitive book lovers. ~ [[Edith Hamilton]]
:* proposed by [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] &lt;!-- * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:52, 26 May 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 19:29, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 21:03, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
* 4 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|&quot;I'm listening....&quot;]])'' 19:43, 10 August 2009 (UTC) ''It could also stand, perhaps slightly better, as solely the first sentence. The first sentence on its own has more &quot;lyrical validity,&quot; the second sounds just descriptive and weakens the overall &quot;balance&quot;. --&gt;

; 2010
: No external power, no terrorist organization, can defeat us. But we can defeat ourselves by getting caught in a quagmire. ~ [[George Soros]]
:* proposed by [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] &lt;!-- * 3 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:52, 26 May 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 19:29, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 21:03, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
* 2 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|&quot;I'm listening....&quot;]])'' 19:43, 10 August 2009 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2011
: How can we escape from the trap that the terrorists have set us? Only by recognizing that the war on terrorism cannot be won by waging war. We must, of course, protect our security; but we must also correct the grievances on which terrorism feeds. Crime requires police work, not military action. ~ [[George Soros]]
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] &lt;!-- * 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 17:33, 10 August 2005 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:34, 11 August 2007 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 15:28, 24 April 2008 (UTC)
* 3 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|&quot;I'm listening....&quot;]])'' 19:43, 10 August 2009 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2012
{{quote of the day
| quote = The important thing in the [[Olympic Games]] is not to win, but to take part; the important thing in [[Life]] is not triumph, but the struggle; the essential thing is not to have conquered but to have fought well. To spread these [[principles]] is to build up a [[Strength|strong]] and more valiant and, above all, more scrupulous and more [[Generosity|generous]] [[humanity]].
| author = Pierre de Coubertin
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] &lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 18:26, 3 August 2012 (UTC) for the last day of the 2012 Olympic Games in London --&gt;

; 2013
{{quote of the day
| quote = [[Great]] [[literature]], [[past]] or [[present]], is the expression of great [[knowledge]] of the [[human]] [[heart]]; great [[art]] is the expression of a solution of the conflict between the demands of the [[world]] without and that within.
| author = Edith Hamilton
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] &lt;!-- * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:52, 26 May 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 19:29, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
* 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 14:30, 11 August 2013 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 21:03, 11 August 2008 (UTC)&lt;/s&gt;
* 2 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|&quot;I'm listening....&quot;]])'' 19:43, 10 August 2009 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2014
{{quote of the day
| quote = Although I think that [[life]] may be the result of an [[accident]], I do not think that of [[consciousness]]. Consciousness cannot be [[accounted]] for in [[physical]] terms. For consciousness is absolutely fundamental. It cannot be accounted for in terms of anything else.
| author = Erwin Schrödinger
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] &lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 10 August 2014 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2015
{{quote of the day
| quote = No [[self]] is of itself alone. It has a long chain of [[intellectual]] [[ancestors]]. The &quot;I&quot; is chained to ancestry by many factors ... This is not mere [[allegory]], but an [[eternal]] [[memory]].
| author = Erwin Schrödinger
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 23:29, 11 August 2015 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 10 August 2014 (UTC) with a very strong lean toward 4. &lt;/s&gt; --&gt;

; 2016
{{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; The [[task]] is, not so much to [[see]] what no one has yet seen; but to think what nobody has yet [[thought]], about that which everybody sees.
| author = Erwin Schrödinger
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 23:07, 10 August 2016 (UTC) &lt;s&gt; 3 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 10 August 2014 (UTC)&lt;/s&gt; --&gt;

; 2017
{{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; I wish I could [[write]] a [[book]] that will be [[read]] for as long as our [[civilization]] lasts … would [[value]] it much more highly than any [[business]] [[success]] if I could contribute to an [[understanding]] of the [[world]] in which we [[live]] or, better yet, if I could [[help]] to preserve the [[economic]] and [[political]] [[system]] that has allowed me to flourish as a participant.
| author = George Soros
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 23:23, 11 August 2017 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &amp;middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 01:41, 8 August 2011 (UTC) with a lean toward 4. &lt;/s&gt; --&gt;

; 2018
{{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; I [[learned]] at a very early age that what kind of [[social]] [[system]] or [[political]] system [[prevails]] is very [[important]]. Not just for your well-being, but for your very [[survival]]. Because, you know, I could have been [[killed]] by the [[Nazis]]. I could have wasted my [[life]] under the [[Communists]]. So, that's what led me to this [[idea]] of an [[w:open society|open society]]. And that is the idea that is [[motivating]] me.
| author = George Soros
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 23:37, 11 August 2018 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 10:15, 6 December 2017 (UTC) with a lean toward 4.&lt;/s&gt; --&gt;

; 2019
{{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; To others, being [[wrong]] is a source of [[shame]]; to me, [[recognizing]] my [[mistakes]] is a source of [[pride]]. Once we realize that imperfect [[understanding]] is the [[human]] condition, there is no shame in being wrong, only in [[failing]] to [[correct]] our mistakes.
| author = George Soros
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 23:54, 11 August 2019 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &amp;middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 01:41, 8 August 2011 (UTC) with a VERY strong lean toward 4.&lt;/s&gt;
* 4 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] ([[User talk:Zarbon|talk]]) 16:28, 18 June 2019 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2020
{{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; People in power are trying to convince us that the [[villain]] in our [[American]] [[story]] is each other. But that is not our story. That is not who we are. That’s not our America.&lt;br /&gt;Our United States of America is not about us versus them. It’s about We the people!&lt;br /&gt;And in this [[moment]], we must all speak [[truth]] about what’s happening.&lt;br /&gt;Seek truth, speak truth and fight for the truth.
| author = Kamala Harris
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 23:59, 11 August 2020 (UTC), in regard to her designation as Biden's VP pick. --&gt;, in regard to her designation as [[Joe Biden]]'s pick for VP.

; 2021
{{quote of the day
| quote =  &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; I am [[born]] into an [[environment]] — I [[know]] not whence I came nor whither I go nor who I am. This is my [[situation]] as yours, every single one of you. The [[fact]] that everyone always was in this same [[situation]], and always will be, tells me [[nothing]]. Our burning question as to the whence and whither — all we can [[ourselves]] observe about it is the [[present]] environment. That is why we are eager to find out about it as much as we can. That is [[science]], [[learning]], [[knowledge]]; it is the true source of every [[spiritual]] endeavour of [[Humanity|man]].
| author = Erwin Schrödinger
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 23:00, 11 August 2021 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 10 August 2014 (UTC) with a lean toward 4.&lt;/s&gt;
* 2[[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] ([[User talk:Zarbon|talk]]) 16:28, 18 June 2019 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2022 : ''[[August 12|Rank or add further suggestions…]]''
----
&lt;noinclude&gt;
Ranking system:
:4 : '''Excellent''' - should definitely be used.
:3 : '''Very Good''' - strong desire to see it used.
:2 : '''Good''' - some desire to see it used.
:1 : '''Acceptable''' - but with no particular desire to see it used.
:0 : '''Not acceptable''' - not appropriate for use as a quote of the day.
----
----
== Suggestions ==


&lt;math&gt; H(t) \left| \psi (t) \right\rangle = i \hbar {\partial\over\partial t} \left| \psi (t) \right\rangle&lt;/math&gt; ~ [[Erwin Schrödinger]], born that day.
* 3 ~ [[User:MosheZadka|MosheZadka]] [[User talk:MosheZadka|(Talk)]] 06:08, 20 July 2005 (UTC)
* 1 [[User:121a0012|121a0012]] 02:51, July 21, 2005 (UTC) (much too obscure)
* 1 likewise too obscure
** Unsigned vote! Also: too obscure? Schrödinger's equation is how the world works :) ~ [[User:MosheZadka|MosheZadka]] [[User talk:MosheZadka|(Talk)]] 16:06, 26 July 2005 (UTC)
** Sorry unsigned was mine, it might well be how the world works but, like all equations, without a definition of notation &amp; terms it is essentially a meaningless arrangement of letters &amp; symbols [[User:AllanHainey|AllanHainey]] 07:27, 27 July 2005 (UTC)
* 4 - [[User:AmarChandra|Amar]] 15:43, 1 August 2005 (UTC)
* 0 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 17:33, 10 August 2005 (UTC) Great equation, but totally indecipherable for ''most'' people.
* 0 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 15:28, 24 April 2008 (UTC)

----

People can have the Model T in any color - so long as it's black. - [[Henry Ford]]. Model T built this day.
* 3 [[User:AllanHainey|AllanHainey]] 12:00, 26 July 2005 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 17:34, 10 August 2005 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:34, 11 August 2007 (UTC)
* 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 15:28, 24 April 2008 (UTC)

----

If one has left this entire system to itself for an hour, one would say that the cat still lives if meanwhile no atom has decayed. The psi-function of the entire system would express this by having in it the living and dead cat (pardon the expression) mixed or smeared out in equal parts. ~ [[Erwin Schrödinger]]
* 3 ~ [[User:MosheZadka|MosheZadka]] [[User talk:MosheZadka|(Talk)]] 04:53, 2 August 2005 (UTC)
* Comment: hopefully this is less scary. Yay cats :) ~ [[User:MosheZadka|MosheZadka]] [[User talk:MosheZadka|(Talk)]] 04:53, 2 August 2005 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:AllanHainey|AllanHainey]] 07:50, 2 August 2005 (UTC)
* 1 acceptable, but still a bit obscure for most. Psi-functions and the context of the &quot;dead cat&quot; are not very plain.
* 1 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:34, 11 August 2007 (UTC)
* 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 15:28, 24 April 2008 (UTC)

----

Markets reduce everything, including human beings and nature, to commodities. ~ &lt;s&gt; [[George Soros]] &lt;/s&gt; (date of birth)
* 0 — withdrawing this from nomination, as a misattribution now sourced to [[w:Marshall Fishwick|Marshall Fishwick]] ~ &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 09:43, 12 August 2017 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 17:33, 10 August 2005 (UTC)&lt;/s&gt;
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:34, 11 August 2007 (UTC)
* 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 15:28, 24 April 2008 (UTC)
* 3 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|&quot;I'm listening....&quot;]])'' 19:43, 10 August 2009 (UTC)

----

Multiplicity is only apparent, in truth, there is only one mind. ~ [[Erwin Schrödinger]] (date of birth)
* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 17:33, 10 August 2005 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:34, 11 August 2007 (UTC)
* 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 15:28, 24 April 2008 (UTC)
* 2 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|&quot;I'm listening....&quot;]])'' 19:43, 10 August 2009 (UTC)

----

If you ask a stupid question,you will get a stupid answer. ~ [[Anon]]
** ~ [[User:Acs4b]] - User
* 0 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 13:18, 11 August 2007 (UTC) No clear relation to the date, and not a standard rendering of the English proverb &quot;Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer.&quot;
* 0 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 15:28, 24 April 2008 (UTC)

----

Mind and spirit together make up that which separates us from the rest of the animal world, that which enables a man to know the truth and that which enables him to die for the truth. ~ [[Edith Hamilton]]
* 3 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:52, 26 May 2008 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 19:29, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 21:03, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
* 2 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|&quot;I'm listening....&quot;]])'' 19:43, 10 August 2009 (UTC)

----

None but a poet can write a tragedy. For tragedy is nothing less than pain transmuted into exaltation by the alchemy of poetry. ~ [[Edith Hamilton]]
* 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:52, 26 May 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 19:29, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 21:03, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
* 2 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|&quot;I'm listening....&quot;]])'' 19:43, 10 August 2009 (UTC) ''I'm sure it's not the case, but this sounds (&quot;nothing less than pain transmuted into exultation by the alchemy of poetry&quot;) like a poor writer trying to make a sentence &quot;intense&quot; by dedicated use of a thesaurus.''

----

But, if the knowledge of the occult powers of nature opens the spiritual sight of man, enlarges his intellectual faculties, and leads him unerringly to a profounder veneration for the Creator, on the other hand ignorance, dogmatic narrow-mindedness, and a childish fear of looking to the bottom of things, invariably leads to fetish-worship and superstition. ~ [[Helena Petrovna Blavatsky]]
* 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:52, 26 May 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 19:29, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 21:03, 11 August 2008 (UTC) But might prefer to trim it or extend it slightly
* ~ ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|&quot;I'm listening....&quot;]])'' 19:43, 10 August 2009 (UTC) ''I don't much like the way this stand-alone quote begins with &quot;but,&quot; it distracts my attention from the quote wondering what came before (I know the quote does stand well on its own, but perhaps trim as Kalki says?).''
----

Man is not dead when he is cold, stiff, pulseless, breathless, and even showing signs of decomposition; he is not dead when buried, nor afterward, until a certain point is reached. That point is, when the vital organs have become so decomposed, that if reanimated, they could not perform their customary functions; when the mainspring and cogs of the machine, so to speak, are so eaten away by rust, that they would snap upon the turning of the key. Until that point is reached, the astral body may be caused, without miracle, to reenter its former tabernacle, either by an effort of its own will, or under the resistless impulse of the will of one who knows the potencies of nature and how to direct them. The spark is not extinguished, but only latent -- latent as the fire in the flint, or the heat in the cold iron. ~ [[Helena Petrovna Blavatsky]]
* 3 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:52, 26 May 2008 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 19:29, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 21:03, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
* 3 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|&quot;I'm listening....&quot;]])'' 19:43, 10 August 2009 (UTC) ''Bit long/wordy, but an interesting formulation/concept.''

----

Science tells us that heat may be shown to develop electricity, electricity produce heat; and magnetism to evolve electricity, and vice versa. Motion, they tell us, results from motion itself, and so on, ad infinitum. This is the A B C of occultism and of the earliest alchemists. The indestructibility of matter and force being discovered and proved, the great problem of eternity is solved. ~ [[Helena Petrovna Blavatsky]]
* 3 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:52, 26 May 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 19:29, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 21:03, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
* 2/3 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|&quot;I'm listening....&quot;]])'' 19:43, 10 August 2009 (UTC) ''I'm probably not allowed to do that, but I keep wavering back and forth and can't decide.''

----

Well, you know, I was a human being before I became a businessman. ~ [[George Soros]]
* 3 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:52, 26 May 2008 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 19:29, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 21:03, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
* 3 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|&quot;I'm listening....&quot;]])'' 19:43, 10 August 2009 (UTC)

----

My peculiarity is that I don't have a particular style of investing or, more exactly, I try to change my style to fit the conditions. ~ [[George Soros]]
* 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:52, 26 May 2008 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 19:29, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 21:03, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
* 1 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|&quot;I'm listening....&quot;]])'' 19:43, 10 August 2009 (UTC) ''There is nothing particularly quotable here, I wouldn't even consider this a &quot;peculiarity.&quot;''

----

Most of the time we are punished if we go against the trend. Only at an inflection point are we rewarded. ~ [[George Soros]]
* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &amp;middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 01:41, 8 August 2011 (UTC) with a lean toward 4.
* 3 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] ([[User talk:Zarbon|talk]]) 16:28, 18 June 2019 (UTC)
----

Markets are constantly in a state of uncertainty and flux and money is made by discounting the obvious and betting on the unexpected. ~ [[George Soros]]
* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &amp;middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 01:41, 8 August 2011 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] ([[User talk:Zarbon|talk]]) 16:28, 18 June 2019 (UTC)
----

The main difference between me and other people who have amassed this kind of money is that I am primarily interested in ideas, and I don't have much personal use for money. But I hate to think what would have happened if I hadn't made money: My ideas would not have gotten much play. ~ [[George Soros]]
* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &amp;middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 01:41, 8 August 2011 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] ([[User talk:Zarbon|talk]]) 16:28, 18 June 2019 (UTC)
----

{{quote of the day
| quote = [[Eternally]] and always there is only [[now]], one and the same now; the [[present]] is the only thing that has no [[end]].
| author = Erwin Schrödinger
}}
* 3 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 10 August 2014 (UTC) with a strong lean toward 4.
* 2[[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] ([[User talk:Zarbon|talk]]) 16:28, 18 June 2019 (UTC)
----

{{quote of the day
| quote = [[Nirvana]] is a state of pure blissful knowledge... It has nothing to do with the individual. The ego or its separation is an illusion. Indeed in a certain sense two &quot;I&quot;'s are identical namely when one disregards all special contents — their Karma.
| author = Erwin Schrödinger
}}
* 3 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 10 August 2014 (UTC) with a lean toward 4.
* 2[[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] ([[User talk:Zarbon|talk]]) 16:28, 18 June 2019 (UTC)
----

{{quote of the day
| quote = There is often greater martyrdom to live for the love of, whether man or an ideal, than to die.
| author = Helena Blavatsky
}}
* 3 --[[User:ΞΔΞ|ΞΔΞ]] ([[User talk:ΞΔΞ|talk]]) 13:08, 27 January 2019 (UTC)
* 3[[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] ([[User talk:Zarbon|talk]]) 16:28, 18 June 2019 (UTC)

----

{{quote of the day
| quote = Faithful adherence to the rule of law is the bedrock principle of the Justice Department and of our democracy. Upholding the rule of law means applying the law evenly, without fear or favor. Under my watch, that is precisely what the Justice Department is doing. &lt;br /&gt; All Americans are entitled to the even handed application of the law, to due process of the law, and to the presumption of innocence. Much of our work is by necessity conducted out of the public eye. We do that to protect the constitutional rights of all Americans and to protect the integrity of our investigations. &lt;br /&gt; Federal law, long standing department rules and our ethical obligations prevent me from providing further details as to the basis of the search at this time. There are however, certain points I want you to know. &lt;br /&gt; First, I personally approved the decision to seek a search warrant in this matter. Second, the department does not take such a decision lightly. Where possible, it is standard practice to seek less intrusive means as an alternative to a search, and to narrowly scope any search that is undertaken. &lt;br /&gt; Third, let me address recent unfounded attacks on the professionalism of the FBI and Justice Department agents and prosecutors. I will not stand by silently when their integrity is unfairly attacked. &lt;br /&gt; The men and women of the FBI and the Justice Department are dedicated, patriotic public servants. Every day, they protect the American people from violent crime, terrorism and other threats to their safety, while safeguarding our civil rights. They do so at great personal sacrifice and risk to themselves. I am honored to work alongside them. &lt;br /&gt; This is all I can say right now. More information will be made available in the appropriate way and at the appropriate time. 
| author = Merrick Garland
}}
* 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 00:14, 12 August 2022 (UTC); recent remarks on current events.

----

&lt;!-- interwiki start --&gt;

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&lt;/noinclude&gt;</text>
      <sha1>sblmm3jki9ex5su9346e7pny2ca4jf8</sha1>
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    <revision>
      <id>3153767</id>
      <parentid>3153758</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-12T00:45:11Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Kalki</username>
        <id>71</id>
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      <comment>updates</comment>
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      <text bytes="30313" xml:space="preserve">&lt;div id=&quot;12&quot; style=&quot;margin: 1em 0em; border: thin solid black; padding: 3px; background-color: #CFE5FF; font: bold 14pt sans-serif;&quot;&gt;[[Category:Days]][[w:August 12|August 12]]&lt;/div&gt; &lt;noinclude&gt;'''Quotes of the day''' from previous years:&lt;/noinclude&gt;

;2003
: A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular. ~ [[Adlai Stevenson]]

;2004
: There is a healthful hardiness about real dignity that never dreads contact and communion with others, however humble. ~ [[Washington Irving]]

;2005
: Once we realize that imperfect understanding is the human condition there is no shame in being wrong, only in failing to correct our mistakes. ~ [[George Soros]] (born 12 August [[w:1930|1930]])
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]

;2006
: The world is given to me only once, not one existing and one perceived. Subject and object are only one. The barrier between them cannot be said to have broken down as a result of recent experience in the physical sciences, for this barrier does not exist. ~ [[Erwin Schrödinger]]
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] &lt;!-- * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 00:04, 12 August 2006 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2007
: Faith plays an important role in an open society. Exactly because our understanding is imperfect, we cannot base our decisions on knowledge alone. We need to rely on beliefs, religious or otherwise, to help us make decisions. But we must remain open to the possibility that we may be wrong so that we can correct our mistakes. Otherwise, we are bound to be wrong. ~ [[George Soros]]
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 23:04, 11 August 2007 (UTC)
* 4 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:34, 11 August 2007 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2008
: It has always seemed strange to me that in our endless discussions about education so little stress is laid on the pleasure of becoming an educated person, the enormous interest it adds to life. To be able to be caught up into the world of thought — that is to be educated. ~ [[Edith Hamilton]]
:* proposed by [[User: Zarbon|Zarbon]] &lt;!-- * 3 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:52, 26 May 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 19:29, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 21:03, 11 August 2008 (UTC) but though this has been quoted in this ungrammatical form, which might have been a typo in the original publication, I would quote it as &quot;that is to be educated&quot; which is as it appears in ''Adventures of the Mind : From the Saturday Evening Post'' (1962), by Richard Thruelsen and John Kobler, and many other publications. --&gt;

; 2009
: There are few efforts more conducive to humility than that of the translator trying to communicate an incommunicable beauty. Yet, unless we do try, something unique and never surpassed will cease to exist except in the libraries of a few inquisitive book lovers. ~ [[Edith Hamilton]]
:* proposed by [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] &lt;!-- * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:52, 26 May 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 19:29, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 21:03, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
* 4 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|&quot;I'm listening....&quot;]])'' 19:43, 10 August 2009 (UTC) ''It could also stand, perhaps slightly better, as solely the first sentence. The first sentence on its own has more &quot;lyrical validity,&quot; the second sounds just descriptive and weakens the overall &quot;balance&quot;. --&gt;

; 2010
: No external power, no terrorist organization, can defeat us. But we can defeat ourselves by getting caught in a quagmire. ~ [[George Soros]]
:* proposed by [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] &lt;!-- * 3 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:52, 26 May 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 19:29, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 21:03, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
* 2 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|&quot;I'm listening....&quot;]])'' 19:43, 10 August 2009 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2011
: How can we escape from the trap that the terrorists have set us? Only by recognizing that the war on terrorism cannot be won by waging war. We must, of course, protect our security; but we must also correct the grievances on which terrorism feeds. Crime requires police work, not military action. ~ [[George Soros]]
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] &lt;!-- * 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 17:33, 10 August 2005 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:34, 11 August 2007 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 15:28, 24 April 2008 (UTC)
* 3 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|&quot;I'm listening....&quot;]])'' 19:43, 10 August 2009 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2012
{{quote of the day
| quote = The important thing in the [[Olympic Games]] is not to win, but to take part; the important thing in [[Life]] is not triumph, but the struggle; the essential thing is not to have conquered but to have fought well. To spread these [[principles]] is to build up a [[Strength|strong]] and more valiant and, above all, more scrupulous and more [[Generosity|generous]] [[humanity]].
| author = Pierre de Coubertin
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] &lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 18:26, 3 August 2012 (UTC) for the last day of the 2012 Olympic Games in London --&gt;

; 2013
{{quote of the day
| quote = [[Great]] [[literature]], [[past]] or [[present]], is the expression of great [[knowledge]] of the [[human]] [[heart]]; great [[art]] is the expression of a solution of the conflict between the demands of the [[world]] without and that within.
| author = Edith Hamilton
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] &lt;!-- * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:52, 26 May 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 19:29, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
* 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 14:30, 11 August 2013 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 21:03, 11 August 2008 (UTC)&lt;/s&gt;
* 2 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|&quot;I'm listening....&quot;]])'' 19:43, 10 August 2009 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2014
{{quote of the day
| quote = Although I think that [[life]] may be the result of an [[accident]], I do not think that of [[consciousness]]. Consciousness cannot be [[accounted]] for in [[physical]] terms. For consciousness is absolutely fundamental. It cannot be accounted for in terms of anything else.
| author = Erwin Schrödinger
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] &lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 10 August 2014 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2015
{{quote of the day
| quote = No [[self]] is of itself alone. It has a long chain of [[intellectual]] [[ancestors]]. The &quot;I&quot; is chained to ancestry by many factors ... This is not mere [[allegory]], but an [[eternal]] [[memory]].
| author = Erwin Schrödinger
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 23:29, 11 August 2015 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 10 August 2014 (UTC) with a very strong lean toward 4. &lt;/s&gt; --&gt;

; 2016
{{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; The [[task]] is, not so much to [[see]] what no one has yet seen; but to think what nobody has yet [[thought]], about that which everybody sees.
| author = Erwin Schrödinger
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 23:07, 10 August 2016 (UTC) &lt;s&gt; 3 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 10 August 2014 (UTC)&lt;/s&gt; --&gt;

; 2017
{{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; I wish I could [[write]] a [[book]] that will be [[read]] for as long as our [[civilization]] lasts … would [[value]] it much more highly than any [[business]] [[success]] if I could contribute to an [[understanding]] of the [[world]] in which we [[live]] or, better yet, if I could [[help]] to preserve the [[economic]] and [[political]] [[system]] that has allowed me to flourish as a participant.
| author = George Soros
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 23:23, 11 August 2017 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &amp;middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 01:41, 8 August 2011 (UTC) with a lean toward 4. &lt;/s&gt; --&gt;

; 2018
{{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; I [[learned]] at a very early age that what kind of [[social]] [[system]] or [[political]] system [[prevails]] is very [[important]]. Not just for your well-being, but for your very [[survival]]. Because, you know, I could have been [[killed]] by the [[Nazis]]. I could have wasted my [[life]] under the [[Communists]]. So, that's what led me to this [[idea]] of an [[w:open society|open society]]. And that is the idea that is [[motivating]] me.
| author = George Soros
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 23:37, 11 August 2018 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 10:15, 6 December 2017 (UTC) with a lean toward 4.&lt;/s&gt; --&gt;

; 2019
{{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; To others, being [[wrong]] is a source of [[shame]]; to me, [[recognizing]] my [[mistakes]] is a source of [[pride]]. Once we realize that imperfect [[understanding]] is the [[human]] condition, there is no shame in being wrong, only in [[failing]] to [[correct]] our mistakes.
| author = George Soros
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 23:54, 11 August 2019 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &amp;middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 01:41, 8 August 2011 (UTC) with a VERY strong lean toward 4.&lt;/s&gt;
* 4 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] ([[User talk:Zarbon|talk]]) 16:28, 18 June 2019 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2020
{{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; People in power are trying to convince us that the [[villain]] in our [[American]] [[story]] is each other. But that is not our story. That is not who we are. That’s not our America.&lt;br /&gt;Our United States of America is not about us versus them. It’s about We the people!&lt;br /&gt;And in this [[moment]], we must all speak [[truth]] about what’s happening.&lt;br /&gt;Seek truth, speak truth and fight for the truth.
| author = Kamala Harris
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 23:59, 11 August 2020 (UTC), in regard to her designation as Biden's VP pick. --&gt;, in regard to her designation as [[Joe Biden]]'s pick for VP.

; 2021
{{quote of the day
| quote =  &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; I am [[born]] into an [[environment]] — I [[know]] not whence I came nor whither I go nor who I am. This is my [[situation]] as yours, every single one of you. The [[fact]] that everyone always was in this same [[situation]], and always will be, tells me [[nothing]]. Our burning question as to the whence and whither — all we can [[ourselves]] observe about it is the [[present]] environment. That is why we are eager to find out about it as much as we can. That is [[science]], [[learning]], [[knowledge]]; it is the true source of every [[spiritual]] endeavour of [[Humanity|man]].
| author = Erwin Schrödinger
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 23:00, 11 August 2021 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 10 August 2014 (UTC) with a lean toward 4.&lt;/s&gt;
* 2[[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] ([[User talk:Zarbon|talk]]) 16:28, 18 June 2019 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2022
{{quote of the day
| quote =  &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; Since I became attorney general, I have made clear that the Department of Justice will speak through its court filings and its work. &lt;br /&gt; Just now, the Justice Department has filed a motion in the Southern District of Florida to unseal a search warrant and property receipt relating to a court approved search that the FBI conducted earlier this week. That search was a premises located in Florida, belonging to the former president. The department did not make any public statements on the day of the search. &lt;br /&gt; The former president publicly confirmed the search that evening, as is his right. Copies of both the warrant and the FBI property receipt were provided on the day of the search to the former president's counsel, who was on site during the search. &lt;br /&gt; The search warrant was authorized by a federal court upon the required finding of probable cause. The property receipt is a document that federal law requires law enforcement agents to leave with the property owner. The department filed the motion to make public the warrant and receipt in light of the former president's public confirmation with the search, the surrounding circumstances and the substantial public interest in this matter. &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; [[Faithful]] adherence to the [[rule of law]] is the bedrock [[principle]] of the [[w:United States Department of Justice|Justice Department]] and of our [[democracy]]. Upholding the rule of law means applying the law evenly, without [[fear]] or [[favor]]. Under my watch, that is precisely what the Justice Department is doing. &lt;br /&gt; All [[Americans]] are entitled to the even handed application of the [[law]], to [[due process]] of the law, and to the presumption of [[innocence]]. Much of our [[work]] is by [[necessity]] conducted out of the public eye. We do that to [[protect]] the constitutional [[rights]] of all Americans and to protect the [[integrity]] of our investigations.&lt;!--  &lt;br /&gt; Federal law, long standing department rules and our ethical obligations prevent me from providing further details as to the basis of the search at this time. There are however, certain points I want you to know. &lt;br /&gt; First, I personally approved the decision to seek a search warrant in this matter. Second, the department does not take such a decision lightly. Where possible, it is standard practice to seek less intrusive means as an alternative to a search, and to narrowly scope any search that is undertaken. &lt;br /&gt; Third,  --&gt;… Let me address recent unfounded attacks on the professionalism of the [[FBI]] and Justice Department agents and prosecutors. I will not stand by silently when their integrity is unfairly attacked. &lt;br /&gt; The men and women of the FBI and the Justice Department are [[dedicated]], [[patriotic]] public servants. Every day, they protect the American people from violent [[crime]], [[terrorism]] and other threats to their safety, while safeguarding our [[civil rights]]. They do so at great personal sacrifice and risk to themselves. I am honored to work alongside them. &lt;br /&gt; This is all I can say right now. More [[information]] will be made available in the appropriate way and at the appropriate [[time]].
| author = Merrick Garland
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 00:14, 12 August 2022 (UTC) --&gt;; recent remarks on current events.

; 2023 : ''[[August 12|Rank or add further suggestions…]]''
----
&lt;noinclude&gt;
&lt;!-- ----
'''Quotes by people born this day, already used as QOTD:''' --&gt; 
----
{{QOTD Ranking}}
----
----
== Suggestions ==


&lt;math&gt; H(t) \left| \psi (t) \right\rangle = i \hbar {\partial\over\partial t} \left| \psi (t) \right\rangle&lt;/math&gt; ~ [[Erwin Schrödinger]], born that day.
* 3 ~ [[User:MosheZadka|MosheZadka]] [[User talk:MosheZadka|(Talk)]] 06:08, 20 July 2005 (UTC)
* 1 [[User:121a0012|121a0012]] 02:51, July 21, 2005 (UTC) (much too obscure)
* 1 likewise too obscure
** Unsigned vote! Also: too obscure? Schrödinger's equation is how the world works :) ~ [[User:MosheZadka|MosheZadka]] [[User talk:MosheZadka|(Talk)]] 16:06, 26 July 2005 (UTC)
** Sorry unsigned was mine, it might well be how the world works but, like all equations, without a definition of notation &amp; terms it is essentially a meaningless arrangement of letters &amp; symbols [[User:AllanHainey|AllanHainey]] 07:27, 27 July 2005 (UTC)
* 4 - [[User:AmarChandra|Amar]] 15:43, 1 August 2005 (UTC)
* 0 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 17:33, 10 August 2005 (UTC) Great equation, but totally indecipherable for ''most'' people.
* 0 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 15:28, 24 April 2008 (UTC)

----

People can have the Model T in any color - so long as it's black. - [[Henry Ford]]. Model T built this day.
* 3 [[User:AllanHainey|AllanHainey]] 12:00, 26 July 2005 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 17:34, 10 August 2005 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:34, 11 August 2007 (UTC)
* 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 15:28, 24 April 2008 (UTC)

----

If one has left this entire system to itself for an hour, one would say that the cat still lives if meanwhile no atom has decayed. The psi-function of the entire system would express this by having in it the living and dead cat (pardon the expression) mixed or smeared out in equal parts. ~ [[Erwin Schrödinger]]
* 3 ~ [[User:MosheZadka|MosheZadka]] [[User talk:MosheZadka|(Talk)]] 04:53, 2 August 2005 (UTC)
* Comment: hopefully this is less scary. Yay cats :) ~ [[User:MosheZadka|MosheZadka]] [[User talk:MosheZadka|(Talk)]] 04:53, 2 August 2005 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:AllanHainey|AllanHainey]] 07:50, 2 August 2005 (UTC)
* 1 acceptable, but still a bit obscure for most. Psi-functions and the context of the &quot;dead cat&quot; are not very plain.
* 1 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:34, 11 August 2007 (UTC)
* 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 15:28, 24 April 2008 (UTC)

----

Markets reduce everything, including human beings and nature, to commodities. ~ &lt;s&gt; [[George Soros]] &lt;/s&gt; (date of birth)
* 0 — withdrawing this from nomination, as a misattribution now sourced to [[w:Marshall Fishwick|Marshall Fishwick]] ~ &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 09:43, 12 August 2017 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 17:33, 10 August 2005 (UTC)&lt;/s&gt;
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:34, 11 August 2007 (UTC)
* 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 15:28, 24 April 2008 (UTC)
* 3 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|&quot;I'm listening....&quot;]])'' 19:43, 10 August 2009 (UTC)

----

Multiplicity is only apparent, in truth, there is only one mind. ~ [[Erwin Schrödinger]] (date of birth)
* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 17:33, 10 August 2005 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:34, 11 August 2007 (UTC)
* 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 15:28, 24 April 2008 (UTC)
* 2 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|&quot;I'm listening....&quot;]])'' 19:43, 10 August 2009 (UTC)

----

If you ask a stupid question,you will get a stupid answer. ~ [[Anon]]
** ~ [[User:Acs4b]] - User
* 0 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 13:18, 11 August 2007 (UTC) No clear relation to the date, and not a standard rendering of the English proverb &quot;Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer.&quot;
* 0 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 15:28, 24 April 2008 (UTC)

----

Mind and spirit together make up that which separates us from the rest of the animal world, that which enables a man to know the truth and that which enables him to die for the truth. ~ [[Edith Hamilton]]
* 3 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:52, 26 May 2008 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 19:29, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 21:03, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
* 2 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|&quot;I'm listening....&quot;]])'' 19:43, 10 August 2009 (UTC)

----

None but a poet can write a tragedy. For tragedy is nothing less than pain transmuted into exaltation by the alchemy of poetry. ~ [[Edith Hamilton]]
* 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:52, 26 May 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 19:29, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 21:03, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
* 2 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|&quot;I'm listening....&quot;]])'' 19:43, 10 August 2009 (UTC) ''I'm sure it's not the case, but this sounds (&quot;nothing less than pain transmuted into exultation by the alchemy of poetry&quot;) like a poor writer trying to make a sentence &quot;intense&quot; by dedicated use of a thesaurus.''

----

But, if the knowledge of the occult powers of nature opens the spiritual sight of man, enlarges his intellectual faculties, and leads him unerringly to a profounder veneration for the Creator, on the other hand ignorance, dogmatic narrow-mindedness, and a childish fear of looking to the bottom of things, invariably leads to fetish-worship and superstition. ~ [[Helena Petrovna Blavatsky]]
* 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:52, 26 May 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 19:29, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 21:03, 11 August 2008 (UTC) But might prefer to trim it or extend it slightly
* ~ ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|&quot;I'm listening....&quot;]])'' 19:43, 10 August 2009 (UTC) ''I don't much like the way this stand-alone quote begins with &quot;but,&quot; it distracts my attention from the quote wondering what came before (I know the quote does stand well on its own, but perhaps trim as Kalki says?).''
----

Man is not dead when he is cold, stiff, pulseless, breathless, and even showing signs of decomposition; he is not dead when buried, nor afterward, until a certain point is reached. That point is, when the vital organs have become so decomposed, that if reanimated, they could not perform their customary functions; when the mainspring and cogs of the machine, so to speak, are so eaten away by rust, that they would snap upon the turning of the key. Until that point is reached, the astral body may be caused, without miracle, to reenter its former tabernacle, either by an effort of its own will, or under the resistless impulse of the will of one who knows the potencies of nature and how to direct them. The spark is not extinguished, but only latent -- latent as the fire in the flint, or the heat in the cold iron. ~ [[Helena Petrovna Blavatsky]]
* 3 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:52, 26 May 2008 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 19:29, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 21:03, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
* 3 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|&quot;I'm listening....&quot;]])'' 19:43, 10 August 2009 (UTC) ''Bit long/wordy, but an interesting formulation/concept.''

----

Science tells us that heat may be shown to develop electricity, electricity produce heat; and magnetism to evolve electricity, and vice versa. Motion, they tell us, results from motion itself, and so on, ad infinitum. This is the A B C of occultism and of the earliest alchemists. The indestructibility of matter and force being discovered and proved, the great problem of eternity is solved. ~ [[Helena Petrovna Blavatsky]]
* 3 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:52, 26 May 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 19:29, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 21:03, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
* 2/3 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|&quot;I'm listening....&quot;]])'' 19:43, 10 August 2009 (UTC) ''I'm probably not allowed to do that, but I keep wavering back and forth and can't decide.''

----

Well, you know, I was a human being before I became a businessman. ~ [[George Soros]]
* 3 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:52, 26 May 2008 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 19:29, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 21:03, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
* 3 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|&quot;I'm listening....&quot;]])'' 19:43, 10 August 2009 (UTC)

----

My peculiarity is that I don't have a particular style of investing or, more exactly, I try to change my style to fit the conditions. ~ [[George Soros]]
* 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:52, 26 May 2008 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 19:29, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 21:03, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
* 1 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|&quot;I'm listening....&quot;]])'' 19:43, 10 August 2009 (UTC) ''There is nothing particularly quotable here, I wouldn't even consider this a &quot;peculiarity.&quot;''

----

Most of the time we are punished if we go against the trend. Only at an inflection point are we rewarded. ~ [[George Soros]]
* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &amp;middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 01:41, 8 August 2011 (UTC) with a lean toward 4.
* 3 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] ([[User talk:Zarbon|talk]]) 16:28, 18 June 2019 (UTC)
----

Markets are constantly in a state of uncertainty and flux and money is made by discounting the obvious and betting on the unexpected. ~ [[George Soros]]
* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &amp;middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 01:41, 8 August 2011 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] ([[User talk:Zarbon|talk]]) 16:28, 18 June 2019 (UTC)
----

The main difference between me and other people who have amassed this kind of money is that I am primarily interested in ideas, and I don't have much personal use for money. But I hate to think what would have happened if I hadn't made money: My ideas would not have gotten much play. ~ [[George Soros]]
* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &amp;middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 01:41, 8 August 2011 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] ([[User talk:Zarbon|talk]]) 16:28, 18 June 2019 (UTC)
----

{{quote of the day
| quote = [[Eternally]] and always there is only [[now]], one and the same now; the [[present]] is the only thing that has no [[end]].
| author = Erwin Schrödinger
}}
* 3 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 10 August 2014 (UTC) with a strong lean toward 4.
* 2[[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] ([[User talk:Zarbon|talk]]) 16:28, 18 June 2019 (UTC)
----

{{quote of the day
| quote = [[Nirvana]] is a state of pure blissful knowledge... It has nothing to do with the individual. The ego or its separation is an illusion. Indeed in a certain sense two &quot;I&quot;'s are identical namely when one disregards all special contents — their Karma.
| author = Erwin Schrödinger
}}
* 3 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 10 August 2014 (UTC) with a lean toward 4.
* 2[[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] ([[User talk:Zarbon|talk]]) 16:28, 18 June 2019 (UTC)
----

{{quote of the day
| quote = There is often greater martyrdom to live for the love of, whether man or an ideal, than to die.
| author = Helena Blavatsky
}}
* 3 --[[User:ΞΔΞ|ΞΔΞ]] ([[User talk:ΞΔΞ|talk]]) 13:08, 27 January 2019 (UTC)
* 3[[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] ([[User talk:Zarbon|talk]]) 16:28, 18 June 2019 (UTC)

----

&lt;!-- interwiki start --&gt;

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      <text bytes="30317" xml:space="preserve">&lt;div id=&quot;12&quot; style=&quot;margin: 1em 0em; border: thin solid black; padding: 3px; background-color: #CFE5FF; font: bold 14pt sans-serif;&quot;&gt;[[Category:Days]][[w:August 12|August 12]]&lt;/div&gt; &lt;noinclude&gt;'''Quotes of the day''' from previous years:&lt;/noinclude&gt;

;2003
: A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular. ~ [[Adlai Stevenson]]

;2004
: There is a healthful hardiness about real dignity that never dreads contact and communion with others, however humble. ~ [[Washington Irving]]

;2005
: Once we realize that imperfect understanding is the human condition there is no shame in being wrong, only in failing to correct our mistakes. ~ [[George Soros]] (born 12 August [[w:1930|1930]])
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]

;2006
: The world is given to me only once, not one existing and one perceived. Subject and object are only one. The barrier between them cannot be said to have broken down as a result of recent experience in the physical sciences, for this barrier does not exist. ~ [[Erwin Schrödinger]]
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] &lt;!-- * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 00:04, 12 August 2006 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2007
: Faith plays an important role in an open society. Exactly because our understanding is imperfect, we cannot base our decisions on knowledge alone. We need to rely on beliefs, religious or otherwise, to help us make decisions. But we must remain open to the possibility that we may be wrong so that we can correct our mistakes. Otherwise, we are bound to be wrong. ~ [[George Soros]]
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 23:04, 11 August 2007 (UTC)
* 4 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:34, 11 August 2007 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2008
: It has always seemed strange to me that in our endless discussions about education so little stress is laid on the pleasure of becoming an educated person, the enormous interest it adds to life. To be able to be caught up into the world of thought — that is to be educated. ~ [[Edith Hamilton]]
:* proposed by [[User: Zarbon|Zarbon]] &lt;!-- * 3 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:52, 26 May 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 19:29, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 21:03, 11 August 2008 (UTC) but though this has been quoted in this ungrammatical form, which might have been a typo in the original publication, I would quote it as &quot;that is to be educated&quot; which is as it appears in ''Adventures of the Mind : From the Saturday Evening Post'' (1962), by Richard Thruelsen and John Kobler, and many other publications. --&gt;

; 2009
: There are few efforts more conducive to humility than that of the translator trying to communicate an incommunicable beauty. Yet, unless we do try, something unique and never surpassed will cease to exist except in the libraries of a few inquisitive book lovers. ~ [[Edith Hamilton]]
:* proposed by [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] &lt;!-- * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:52, 26 May 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 19:29, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 21:03, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
* 4 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|&quot;I'm listening....&quot;]])'' 19:43, 10 August 2009 (UTC) ''It could also stand, perhaps slightly better, as solely the first sentence. The first sentence on its own has more &quot;lyrical validity,&quot; the second sounds just descriptive and weakens the overall &quot;balance&quot;. --&gt;

; 2010
: No external power, no terrorist organization, can defeat us. But we can defeat ourselves by getting caught in a quagmire. ~ [[George Soros]]
:* proposed by [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] &lt;!-- * 3 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:52, 26 May 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 19:29, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 21:03, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
* 2 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|&quot;I'm listening....&quot;]])'' 19:43, 10 August 2009 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2011
: How can we escape from the trap that the terrorists have set us? Only by recognizing that the war on terrorism cannot be won by waging war. We must, of course, protect our security; but we must also correct the grievances on which terrorism feeds. Crime requires police work, not military action. ~ [[George Soros]]
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] &lt;!-- * 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 17:33, 10 August 2005 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:34, 11 August 2007 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 15:28, 24 April 2008 (UTC)
* 3 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|&quot;I'm listening....&quot;]])'' 19:43, 10 August 2009 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2012
{{quote of the day
| quote = The important thing in the [[Olympic Games]] is not to win, but to take part; the important thing in [[Life]] is not triumph, but the struggle; the essential thing is not to have conquered but to have fought well. To spread these [[principles]] is to build up a [[Strength|strong]] and more valiant and, above all, more scrupulous and more [[Generosity|generous]] [[humanity]].
| author = Pierre de Coubertin
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] &lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 18:26, 3 August 2012 (UTC) for the last day of the 2012 Olympic Games in London --&gt;

; 2013
{{quote of the day
| quote = [[Great]] [[literature]], [[past]] or [[present]], is the expression of great [[knowledge]] of the [[human]] [[heart]]; great [[art]] is the expression of a solution of the conflict between the demands of the [[world]] without and that within.
| author = Edith Hamilton
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] &lt;!-- * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:52, 26 May 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 19:29, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
* 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 14:30, 11 August 2013 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 21:03, 11 August 2008 (UTC)&lt;/s&gt;
* 2 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|&quot;I'm listening....&quot;]])'' 19:43, 10 August 2009 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2014
{{quote of the day
| quote = Although I think that [[life]] may be the result of an [[accident]], I do not think that of [[consciousness]]. Consciousness cannot be [[accounted]] for in [[physical]] terms. For consciousness is absolutely fundamental. It cannot be accounted for in terms of anything else.
| author = Erwin Schrödinger
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] &lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 10 August 2014 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2015
{{quote of the day
| quote = No [[self]] is of itself alone. It has a long chain of [[intellectual]] [[ancestors]]. The &quot;I&quot; is chained to ancestry by many factors ... This is not mere [[allegory]], but an [[eternal]] [[memory]].
| author = Erwin Schrödinger
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 23:29, 11 August 2015 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 10 August 2014 (UTC) with a very strong lean toward 4. &lt;/s&gt; --&gt;

; 2016
{{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; The [[task]] is, not so much to [[see]] what no one has yet seen; but to think what nobody has yet [[thought]], about that which everybody sees.
| author = Erwin Schrödinger
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 23:07, 10 August 2016 (UTC) &lt;s&gt; 3 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 10 August 2014 (UTC)&lt;/s&gt; --&gt;

; 2017
{{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; I wish I could [[write]] a [[book]] that will be [[read]] for as long as our [[civilization]] lasts … would [[value]] it much more highly than any [[business]] [[success]] if I could contribute to an [[understanding]] of the [[world]] in which we [[live]] or, better yet, if I could [[help]] to preserve the [[economic]] and [[political]] [[system]] that has allowed me to flourish as a participant.
| author = George Soros
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 23:23, 11 August 2017 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &amp;middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 01:41, 8 August 2011 (UTC) with a lean toward 4. &lt;/s&gt; --&gt;

; 2018
{{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; I [[learned]] at a very early age that what kind of [[social]] [[system]] or [[political]] system [[prevails]] is very [[important]]. Not just for your well-being, but for your very [[survival]]. Because, you know, I could have been [[killed]] by the [[Nazis]]. I could have wasted my [[life]] under the [[Communists]]. So, that's what led me to this [[idea]] of an [[w:open society|open society]]. And that is the idea that is [[motivating]] me.
| author = George Soros
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 23:37, 11 August 2018 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 10:15, 6 December 2017 (UTC) with a lean toward 4.&lt;/s&gt; --&gt;

; 2019
{{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; To others, being [[wrong]] is a source of [[shame]]; to me, [[recognizing]] my [[mistakes]] is a source of [[pride]]. Once we realize that imperfect [[understanding]] is the [[human]] condition, there is no shame in being wrong, only in [[failing]] to [[correct]] our mistakes.
| author = George Soros
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 23:54, 11 August 2019 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &amp;middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 01:41, 8 August 2011 (UTC) with a VERY strong lean toward 4.&lt;/s&gt;
* 4 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] ([[User talk:Zarbon|talk]]) 16:28, 18 June 2019 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2020
{{quote of the day
| quote = &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; People in power are trying to convince us that the [[villain]] in our [[American]] [[story]] is each other. But that is not our story. That is not who we are. That’s not our America.&lt;br /&gt;Our United States of America is not about us versus them. It’s about We the people!&lt;br /&gt;And in this [[moment]], we must all speak [[truth]] about what’s happening.&lt;br /&gt;Seek truth, speak truth and fight for the truth.
| author = Kamala Harris
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 23:59, 11 August 2020 (UTC), in regard to her designation as Biden's VP pick. --&gt;, in regard to her designation as [[Joe Biden]]'s pick for VP.

; 2021
{{quote of the day
| quote =  &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; I am [[born]] into an [[environment]] — I [[know]] not whence I came nor whither I go nor who I am. This is my [[situation]] as yours, every single one of you. The [[fact]] that everyone always was in this same [[situation]], and always will be, tells me [[nothing]]. Our burning question as to the whence and whither — all we can [[ourselves]] observe about it is the [[present]] environment. That is why we are eager to find out about it as much as we can. That is [[science]], [[learning]], [[knowledge]]; it is the true source of every [[spiritual]] endeavour of [[Humanity|man]].
| author = Erwin Schrödinger
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 23:00, 11 August 2021 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 10 August 2014 (UTC) with a lean toward 4.&lt;/s&gt;
* 2[[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] ([[User talk:Zarbon|talk]]) 16:28, 18 June 2019 (UTC) --&gt;

; 2022
{{quote of the day
| quote =  &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; Since I became attorney general, I have made clear that the Department of Justice will speak through its court filings and its work. &lt;br /&gt; Just now, the Justice Department has filed a motion in the Southern District of Florida to unseal a search warrant and property receipt relating to a court approved search that the FBI conducted earlier this week. That search was a premises located in Florida, belonging to the former president. The department did not make any public statements on the day of the search. &lt;br /&gt; The former president publicly confirmed the search that evening, as is his right. Copies of both the warrant and the FBI property receipt were provided on the day of the search to the former president's counsel, who was on site during the search. &lt;br /&gt; The search warrant was authorized by a federal court upon the required finding of probable cause. The property receipt is a document that federal law requires law enforcement agents to leave with the property owner. The department filed the motion to make public the warrant and receipt in light of the former president's public confirmation with the search, the surrounding circumstances and the substantial public interest in this matter. &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; [[Faithful]] adherence to the [[rule of law]] is the bedrock [[principle]] of the [[w:United States Department of Justice|Justice Department]] and of our [[democracy]]. Upholding the rule of law means applying the law evenly, without [[fear]] or [[favor]]. Under my watch, that is precisely what the Justice Department is doing. &lt;br /&gt; All [[Americans]] are entitled to the even handed application of the [[law]], to [[due process]] of the law, and to the presumption of [[innocence]]. Much of our [[work]] is by [[necessity]] conducted out of the public eye. We do that to [[protect]] the constitutional [[rights]] of all Americans and to protect the [[integrity]] of our investigations.&lt;!--  &lt;br /&gt; Federal law, long standing department rules and our ethical obligations prevent me from providing further details as to the basis of the search at this time. There are however, certain points I want you to know. &lt;br /&gt; First, I personally approved the decision to seek a search warrant in this matter. Second, the department does not take such a decision lightly. Where possible, it is standard practice to seek less intrusive means as an alternative to a search, and to narrowly scope any search that is undertaken. &lt;br /&gt; Third,  --&gt;… Let me address recent unfounded attacks on the professionalism of the [[FBI]] and Justice Department agents and prosecutors. I will not stand by silently when their integrity is unfairly attacked. &lt;br /&gt; The men and women of the FBI and the Justice Department are [[dedicated]], [[patriotic]] public servants. Every day, they protect the American people from violent [[crime]], [[terrorism]] and other threats to their safety, while safeguarding our [[civil rights]]. They do so at great personal sacrifice and risk to themselves. I am honored to work alongside them. &lt;br /&gt; This is all I can say right [[now]]. More [[information]] will be made available in the appropriate way and at the appropriate [[time]].
| author = Merrick Garland
}}
:* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]&lt;!-- * 4 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 00:14, 12 August 2022 (UTC) --&gt;; recent remarks on current events.

; 2023 : ''[[August 12|Rank or add further suggestions…]]''
----
&lt;noinclude&gt;
&lt;!-- ----
'''Quotes by people born this day, already used as QOTD:''' --&gt; 
----
{{QOTD Ranking}}
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----
== Suggestions ==


&lt;math&gt; H(t) \left| \psi (t) \right\rangle = i \hbar {\partial\over\partial t} \left| \psi (t) \right\rangle&lt;/math&gt; ~ [[Erwin Schrödinger]], born that day.
* 3 ~ [[User:MosheZadka|MosheZadka]] [[User talk:MosheZadka|(Talk)]] 06:08, 20 July 2005 (UTC)
* 1 [[User:121a0012|121a0012]] 02:51, July 21, 2005 (UTC) (much too obscure)
* 1 likewise too obscure
** Unsigned vote! Also: too obscure? Schrödinger's equation is how the world works :) ~ [[User:MosheZadka|MosheZadka]] [[User talk:MosheZadka|(Talk)]] 16:06, 26 July 2005 (UTC)
** Sorry unsigned was mine, it might well be how the world works but, like all equations, without a definition of notation &amp; terms it is essentially a meaningless arrangement of letters &amp; symbols [[User:AllanHainey|AllanHainey]] 07:27, 27 July 2005 (UTC)
* 4 - [[User:AmarChandra|Amar]] 15:43, 1 August 2005 (UTC)
* 0 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 17:33, 10 August 2005 (UTC) Great equation, but totally indecipherable for ''most'' people.
* 0 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 15:28, 24 April 2008 (UTC)

----

People can have the Model T in any color - so long as it's black. - [[Henry Ford]]. Model T built this day.
* 3 [[User:AllanHainey|AllanHainey]] 12:00, 26 July 2005 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 17:34, 10 August 2005 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:34, 11 August 2007 (UTC)
* 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 15:28, 24 April 2008 (UTC)

----

If one has left this entire system to itself for an hour, one would say that the cat still lives if meanwhile no atom has decayed. The psi-function of the entire system would express this by having in it the living and dead cat (pardon the expression) mixed or smeared out in equal parts. ~ [[Erwin Schrödinger]]
* 3 ~ [[User:MosheZadka|MosheZadka]] [[User talk:MosheZadka|(Talk)]] 04:53, 2 August 2005 (UTC)
* Comment: hopefully this is less scary. Yay cats :) ~ [[User:MosheZadka|MosheZadka]] [[User talk:MosheZadka|(Talk)]] 04:53, 2 August 2005 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:AllanHainey|AllanHainey]] 07:50, 2 August 2005 (UTC)
* 1 acceptable, but still a bit obscure for most. Psi-functions and the context of the &quot;dead cat&quot; are not very plain.
* 1 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:34, 11 August 2007 (UTC)
* 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 15:28, 24 April 2008 (UTC)

----

Markets reduce everything, including human beings and nature, to commodities. ~ &lt;s&gt; [[George Soros]] &lt;/s&gt; (date of birth)
* 0 — withdrawing this from nomination, as a misattribution now sourced to [[w:Marshall Fishwick|Marshall Fishwick]] ~ &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 09:43, 12 August 2017 (UTC) &lt;s&gt;3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 17:33, 10 August 2005 (UTC)&lt;/s&gt;
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:34, 11 August 2007 (UTC)
* 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 15:28, 24 April 2008 (UTC)
* 3 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|&quot;I'm listening....&quot;]])'' 19:43, 10 August 2009 (UTC)

----

Multiplicity is only apparent, in truth, there is only one mind. ~ [[Erwin Schrödinger]] (date of birth)
* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 17:33, 10 August 2005 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:34, 11 August 2007 (UTC)
* 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 15:28, 24 April 2008 (UTC)
* 2 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|&quot;I'm listening....&quot;]])'' 19:43, 10 August 2009 (UTC)

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If you ask a stupid question,you will get a stupid answer. ~ [[Anon]]
** ~ [[User:Acs4b]] - User
* 0 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 13:18, 11 August 2007 (UTC) No clear relation to the date, and not a standard rendering of the English proverb &quot;Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer.&quot;
* 0 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 15:28, 24 April 2008 (UTC)

----

Mind and spirit together make up that which separates us from the rest of the animal world, that which enables a man to know the truth and that which enables him to die for the truth. ~ [[Edith Hamilton]]
* 3 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:52, 26 May 2008 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 19:29, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 21:03, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
* 2 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|&quot;I'm listening....&quot;]])'' 19:43, 10 August 2009 (UTC)

----

None but a poet can write a tragedy. For tragedy is nothing less than pain transmuted into exaltation by the alchemy of poetry. ~ [[Edith Hamilton]]
* 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:52, 26 May 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 19:29, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 21:03, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
* 2 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|&quot;I'm listening....&quot;]])'' 19:43, 10 August 2009 (UTC) ''I'm sure it's not the case, but this sounds (&quot;nothing less than pain transmuted into exultation by the alchemy of poetry&quot;) like a poor writer trying to make a sentence &quot;intense&quot; by dedicated use of a thesaurus.''

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But, if the knowledge of the occult powers of nature opens the spiritual sight of man, enlarges his intellectual faculties, and leads him unerringly to a profounder veneration for the Creator, on the other hand ignorance, dogmatic narrow-mindedness, and a childish fear of looking to the bottom of things, invariably leads to fetish-worship and superstition. ~ [[Helena Petrovna Blavatsky]]
* 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:52, 26 May 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 19:29, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 21:03, 11 August 2008 (UTC) But might prefer to trim it or extend it slightly
* ~ ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|&quot;I'm listening....&quot;]])'' 19:43, 10 August 2009 (UTC) ''I don't much like the way this stand-alone quote begins with &quot;but,&quot; it distracts my attention from the quote wondering what came before (I know the quote does stand well on its own, but perhaps trim as Kalki says?).''
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Man is not dead when he is cold, stiff, pulseless, breathless, and even showing signs of decomposition; he is not dead when buried, nor afterward, until a certain point is reached. That point is, when the vital organs have become so decomposed, that if reanimated, they could not perform their customary functions; when the mainspring and cogs of the machine, so to speak, are so eaten away by rust, that they would snap upon the turning of the key. Until that point is reached, the astral body may be caused, without miracle, to reenter its former tabernacle, either by an effort of its own will, or under the resistless impulse of the will of one who knows the potencies of nature and how to direct them. The spark is not extinguished, but only latent -- latent as the fire in the flint, or the heat in the cold iron. ~ [[Helena Petrovna Blavatsky]]
* 3 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:52, 26 May 2008 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 19:29, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 21:03, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
* 3 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|&quot;I'm listening....&quot;]])'' 19:43, 10 August 2009 (UTC) ''Bit long/wordy, but an interesting formulation/concept.''

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Science tells us that heat may be shown to develop electricity, electricity produce heat; and magnetism to evolve electricity, and vice versa. Motion, they tell us, results from motion itself, and so on, ad infinitum. This is the A B C of occultism and of the earliest alchemists. The indestructibility of matter and force being discovered and proved, the great problem of eternity is solved. ~ [[Helena Petrovna Blavatsky]]
* 3 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:52, 26 May 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 19:29, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 21:03, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
* 2/3 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|&quot;I'm listening....&quot;]])'' 19:43, 10 August 2009 (UTC) ''I'm probably not allowed to do that, but I keep wavering back and forth and can't decide.''

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Well, you know, I was a human being before I became a businessman. ~ [[George Soros]]
* 3 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:52, 26 May 2008 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 19:29, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 21:03, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
* 3 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|&quot;I'm listening....&quot;]])'' 19:43, 10 August 2009 (UTC)

----

My peculiarity is that I don't have a particular style of investing or, more exactly, I try to change my style to fit the conditions. ~ [[George Soros]]
* 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 14:52, 26 May 2008 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 19:29, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 21:03, 11 August 2008 (UTC)
* 1 ''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]] ([[User talk:Peace and Passion|&quot;I'm listening....&quot;]])'' 19:43, 10 August 2009 (UTC) ''There is nothing particularly quotable here, I wouldn't even consider this a &quot;peculiarity.&quot;''

----

Most of the time we are punished if we go against the trend. Only at an inflection point are we rewarded. ~ [[George Soros]]
* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &amp;middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 01:41, 8 August 2011 (UTC) with a lean toward 4.
* 3 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] ([[User talk:Zarbon|talk]]) 16:28, 18 June 2019 (UTC)
----

Markets are constantly in a state of uncertainty and flux and money is made by discounting the obvious and betting on the unexpected. ~ [[George Soros]]
* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &amp;middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 01:41, 8 August 2011 (UTC)
* 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] ([[User talk:Zarbon|talk]]) 16:28, 18 June 2019 (UTC)
----

The main difference between me and other people who have amassed this kind of money is that I am primarily interested in ideas, and I don't have much personal use for money. But I hate to think what would have happened if I hadn't made money: My ideas would not have gotten much play. ~ [[George Soros]]
* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &amp;middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 01:41, 8 August 2011 (UTC)
* 3 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] ([[User talk:Zarbon|talk]]) 16:28, 18 June 2019 (UTC)
----

{{quote of the day
| quote = [[Eternally]] and always there is only [[now]], one and the same now; the [[present]] is the only thing that has no [[end]].
| author = Erwin Schrödinger
}}
* 3 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 10 August 2014 (UTC) with a strong lean toward 4.
* 2[[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] ([[User talk:Zarbon|talk]]) 16:28, 18 June 2019 (UTC)
----

{{quote of the day
| quote = [[Nirvana]] is a state of pure blissful knowledge... It has nothing to do with the individual. The ego or its separation is an illusion. Indeed in a certain sense two &quot;I&quot;'s are identical namely when one disregards all special contents — their Karma.
| author = Erwin Schrödinger
}}
* 3 &lt;span style= &quot;border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver&quot;&gt;♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 10 August 2014 (UTC) with a lean toward 4.
* 2[[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] ([[User talk:Zarbon|talk]]) 16:28, 18 June 2019 (UTC)
----

{{quote of the day
| quote = There is often greater martyrdom to live for the love of, whether man or an ideal, than to die.
| author = Helena Blavatsky
}}
* 3 --[[User:ΞΔΞ|ΞΔΞ]] ([[User talk:ΞΔΞ|talk]]) 13:08, 27 January 2019 (UTC)
* 3[[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] ([[User talk:Zarbon|talk]]) 16:28, 18 June 2019 (UTC)

----

&lt;!-- interwiki start --&gt;

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  <page>
    <title>Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas</title>
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'''''[[w:Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas|Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas]]''''' ('''''GTA:SA''''') is a 2004 British sandbox-style action-adventure game developed by Rockstar North. It is the third 3D game in the ''Grand Theft Auto'' video game franchise and fifth original game overall.

== Dialogue ==
:''[Carl tries to visit a shop but runs into the officers]''
:'''Officer Pulaski''': Carl!
:'''Carl''': Damn! ''[walks away]''
:'''Pulaski''': Where you off to? ''[reaches out to him]''
:'''Carl''': Shit!
:'''Tenpenny''': Where you running off to, Carl? I thought we were friends!
:'''Carl''': Yeah, whatever.
:'''Tenpenny''': As an officer in charge of putting an end to gang violence, I find myself in a difficult moral position, Carl.
:'''Carl''': Yeah, right.
:'''Tenpenny''': Carl, I'm hurt, I truly am. And I was just about to help those poor Grove Street boys.
:'''Carl''': Oh, yeah?  How?
:'''Tenpenny''': I like the status quo, Carl. I like having you dumb bastards doing your job for me — blowing each other's guts all over the sidewalk.
:'''Carl''': Dumb bastards?
:'''Tenpenny''': Now, if it's brought to my attention that one tribe gets an unfair advantage over another, that truly troubles me, Carl.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Jizzy B.''': See, baby, I got everything... Mink sheets... Mink coats... Mink curtains in the window. When I walk down the stairs, I'm walking down on... mink carpet. ''[sees Carl]'' Now, who's this trick? I don't need no more friends, baby. All they try to do is peel me from my hoes.
:'''Carl''': No, no, it ain't about them. It's all about you, playa. I heard you was the man with the hook up, and you was the man I needed to see. I'm offering my services.
:'''Jizzy B.''': Say what?
:'''Carl''': Yes, sir. See, I'm new in town. Anything you want, I can do. For a guy like me, to work with, to work ''for'' a guy like Jizzy B... well...
:'''Jizzy B.''': Now that you mention it, I do have a slight problem. Something a little dumb muscle like yourself might be able to fix. 'Cause you see me, I'm an intellectual. ''[to the girls]'' Bitches, y'all walk down to the bar and fix a pimp a drink. ''[to Carl]'' See, I only got two eyes, and on these streets you got to have more than that. You got to be like a fly on shit, you know? A hundred eyes, everywhere.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category: Grand Theft Auto (series)]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Antz</title>
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'''''[[w:Antz|Antz]]''''' is a [[1998]] computer animation [[film]] produced by [[w:DreamWorks Animation|DreamWorks Animation]] and [[w:Pacific Data Images|Pacific Data Images]], released on October 2, 1998 in United States and Canada. It features the voices of well-known actors such as [[Woody Allen]], [[Dan Aykroyd]], [[Sharon Stone]], [[Jennifer Lopez]], [[Sylvester Stallone]], [[Anne Bancroft]], [[w:Gene Hackman|Gene Hackman]], [[Christopher Walken]], and [[w:Danny Glover|Danny Glover]] as various members of an ant society. Some of the main characters share facial similarities with the actors who voice them.
:''Directed by [[w:Eric Darnell|Eric Darnell]] and [[w:Tim Johnson (film director)|Tim Johnson]]. Written by [[w:Paul Weitz (filmmaker)|Paul Weitz]], [[w:Chris Weitz|Chris Weitz]] and [[w:Todd Alcott|Todd Alcott]].
{{center|'''Every ant has his day.''' &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Z ==
* All my life, I've lived and worked in the big city, which now that I think of it, is kind of a problem since I always feel uncomfortable around crowds. I mean it, I-I have this fear of enclosed spaces. I-I-I, everything makes me feel trapped all the time. You know, I always tell myself, there's gotta be something better out there, but maybe I think too much. I-I-I think everything must go back to the fact that I had a very anxious childhood. You know, my, my mother never had time for me. You know, when you're - when you're the middle child in a family of five million, you don't get any attention. I mean, how's it possible? And I've always had these, these abandonment issues, which plagued me. My father was basically a drone like I've said, and, you know, the guy flew away when I was just a larva. And my job, don't get me started on, 'cause it really annoys me. I was not cut out to be a worker, I'll tell you right now. I-I-I feel physically inadequate. I, I, my whole life I've never, I've never been able to lift more than ten times my own body weight, and, and when you get down to it, handling dirt is, you know, ewwww, is not my idea of a rewarding career. It's this whole gung-ho super-organism thing that, that, that I - you know, I can't get, I try but I can't get it. I mean, you know what is it, I'm supposed to do everything for the colony, and, and what about my needs? What about me? I mean, I gotta believe there's someplace out there that's better than this! Otherwise, I'll just curl up in a larval position and weep! The whole system makes me feel - insignificant!
* Will you please calm down? You're not going to let a little near-death experience ruin your mood, are you?
* There you have it. Your average 'boy-meets-girl, boy-likes-girl, boy-changes-underlying-social-order' story. So, what else can I tell you? We rebuilt the colony - it's even better than before, you know, 'cause now it has a very large indoor swimming pool. Bala and I, incidentally, are thinking of starting a family. You know, just a few kids, maybe a million or two to begin with. And I'm, I'm workin' with a new therapist, you know, terrific, absolutely terrific. He's, he's been putting me in touch with my inner maggot, which is helping me a great deal. And, you know, I finally feel like I found my place, and you know what? It's right back where I started. But the difference is, this time I chose it.

== General Mandible ==
* ''[to the foreman of the Mega-Tunnel]'' You can't help it. It's your nature. But in spite of your limitations, you ''are'' going to finish this tunnel on schedule! Come hell or high water! For now on, anyone who falls behind will personally answer to Colonel Cutter! And let me assure you, that the Colonel is not understanding as I am. Dismissed!
* Sacrifice. To some, it is just a word. To others it is a code. The life of one individual ant does not matter. What matters is the colony. And each soldier knows that he's willing to live for the colony...to fight for the colony... to ''die'' for the colony.
* I've heard a lot about this &quot;Z&quot;. I even had the pleasure of meeting him once. But where is he now? Can anyone point him out? I mean, if this Z cares so much about us, then why isn't he here? I'll tell you why. Because Z doesn't give a damn about us! That's why he kidnapped our Princess! That's why he ran away! Z is no hero. We are the heroes! We are the ones ensuring the future of our great colony. And when we complete this magnificent structure, we will reap the benefits! More food, and less work for everyone. And as further reward for your heroic efforts, each and every one of you will get the day off. So you can be the guest of honor, at the Megatunnel dedication ceremony!
* You useless, ungrateful maggot! I am the colony!

== Azteca ==
* ''[to Weaver]'' Hey, hey, hey! Take it easy, muscles! You're making the rest of us look bad.
* Don't tell that tightass anything, Weaver!

== Others ==
* '''Weaver''': ''[to Z]'' Are you nuts?! You want me to switch places with you? Do you know how much trouble you can get into for even talkin' about impersonatin' a soldier? You can get in trouble just for ''listening'' to someone talkin' about impersonatin' a soldier! ''[Everyone who was listening in pretends to fall back asleep]''
* '''Barbatus''': ''[his last words to Z]'' Don't make my mistake, kid. Don't follow orders your whole life. Think for yourself.
* '''Princess Bala''': Labor? What do ''you'' know about labor? How would you feel if you were expected to give birth every 10 seconds for the rest of your life?
* '''Cutter''': Time stands still for no ant.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Weaver''': Yeah, and ever since we were little, I've been listening to you complain. What are you bitching about? In case you haven't noticed, we ants are running the show! We're the lords of the earth!
:'''Z''': Hey, don't talk to me about earth, okay? 'Cause I just spent all day hauling it around.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Bala sneaks into the bar with two handmaidens]''
:'''Bala''': ''[excited]'' Wow... This is so... ''gritty!'' 
:'''Handmaiden 1''': Ten minutes and we're out of here, right? I mean, this place is off limits. 
:'''Bala''': Just blame it on me. Say it was all my idea. 
:'''Handmaiden 2''': It ''is'' all your idea!
:'''Bala''': ''[removes her crown]'' Besides, no one's gonna recognize us. Come on, girls, what do you say? Let's take a walk on the wild side.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bala''': ''[to her handmaidens]'' Step back, ladies. I'm gonna ask one of these workers to dance with me!
:'''Z''': ''[watching the other ants dance in unison]'' What a bunch of losers. Mindless zombies capitulating to an oppressive system--
:'''Bala''': Hi. Wanna dance?
:'''Z''': ''[upon turning to see her]'' Absolutely!
:'''Bala''': Follow me.
:'''Z''': ''[as they step onto the dance floor]'' So, how come I haven't seen you around here before?
:'''Bala''': Oh, I don't get out much. I, uh... I work over at the palace.
:'''Z''': The palace, huh?  I bet those royals really live it up. ''[secretively]'' Of course, they're all a little, you know, from inbreeding.
:'''Bala''': ''What?''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Z''': Please, Weaver, ''please''. Switch jobs with me just, you know, for a day. Think of all the things I've done for you.
:'''Weaver''': ''[pauses]'' Hm. I can't think of any.
:'''Z''': Okay, so think of all the things that I'm ''gonna'' do for you!
:'''Weaver''': ''[glances around, then leans in secretively]'' Would I meet some worker girls?
:'''Z''': Are you kidding? They always go after the new guy! It's like a sport for them!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Z''': So these termites, they're, they're pushovers, right?
:'''Barbatus''': Not really, kid. They're five times our size, and they shoot acid from their foreheads.
:'''Z''': Huh?!
:[''Z stops marching, gaping in disbelief. As the next rank of soldiers comes up behind him, a soldier gives Z a shove.'']
:'''Soldier''': Hey! Keep it movin', shorty!
:''[Later, as the ant army is marching towards the termites' nest]''
:'''Z''': So, what exactly does our platoon do? Are we gonna be serving beverages, or processing paperwork?
:'''Barbatus''': Our platoon has the best assignment of all. We're the first into battle.
:[''...'']
:'''Z''': ''[panicked]'' Hey, wait a minute, let's not get... we're being too hasty here! These guys sound like ''bruisers!'' Just how were you figuring on beating them?!
:'''Barbatus''': Superior numbers, kid. Overwhelm their defenses, and kill their queen. 
:'''Z''': ''[stammering]'' I, um... Hey, fellas, that's... you're being a little extreme, I feel. Why don't... why don't we just try and influence their political process with campaign contributions?
:'''Barbatus''': ''[laughing]'' I like you, kid. You got a sense of humor!
:'''Ant Officer''': Forward!
:'''Barbatus''': Come on! Let's kick some termite butt!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Z and Bala both sigh when they escape from the magnifying glass, and hide in the &quot;wilderness&quot;]''
:'''Z''': Oh, don't worry. I'm okay.
:'''Bala''': ''You?!'' ''You're'' okay?! Hey, who cares about you?! I almost died here!
:'''Z''': Will you please calm down? You're not going to let a little near-death experience ruin your mood, are you?
:'''Bala''': Hey, this is not a mood. Okay? You're not listening to me. Where am I?
:''[The praying mantis snores soundly, as the birds chirp in the background]''
:'''Bala''': Look, what's-your-name. Just climb up that tree, and find out where I am.
:'''Z''': Look, th-the trick is not to panic. You know, h-h-he w-who panics is lost. Aw... What am I saying? I mean, we are lost. ''[he climbs up a stem of a thistle plant, but it droops over downwards towards Bala]'' Whoa! Whoa!
:'''Bala''': ''[she gasps at Z]''
:'''Z''': ''[he grins and chuckles sarcastically at Bala, but the thistle part of the plant breaks off of the thistle plant, and falls to the ground, with Z holding on to it]'' Ow!
:'''Bala''': ''[to the audience]'' I've been kidnapped by the village idiot.
:'''Z''': Who's the bigger idiot? ''[he gets up, as he plucks the thistle thorns off of his body]'' The idiot, or the idiot who gets kidnapped by the idiot?
:'''Bala''': What'd you do? ''Talk'' those termites to death? I can't believe you tried to pass yourself off as a soldier. Why are you stalking me? Don't you realize that I'm...out of your league?
:'''Z''': ''You're'' the one who was cruising the worker bar looking for a little action! And you just happened to find it--the swarthy, earthy, sensual worker.
:'''Bala''': Please. I was slumming it. Don't you get it? I chose you because you were the most pathetic little bug in the joint.
:'''Z''': You know, I was gonna let you become part of my most erotic fantasies. But now, you can just forget that! Write it off, you know? I-I guess what you prefer is Old Blood and Guts! This guy's idea of a romantic night out is two seats at a public execution! Boy. You ''really'' chose the right husband. ''[he climbs up a spiked stem of a rose]''
:'''Bala''': For your information, the General and I are deeply, deeply in...engaged! You come right back down here this instant! We are marching straight back to the colony, so that I can go straight back to the palace, and tell my mother...
:'''Z''': ''[he moves some of the rose's leaves out of his way with his hand, and sees the &quot;monolith&quot; (a drinking fountain) in the distance, the first of the series of landmarks on the way to Insectopia that Grebs told him about]'' The monolith!
:'''Bala''': ...and you can go back to your stupid little buggy bar!
:'''Z''': Absolutely. Wonderful. ''[he climbs back down the rose's spiked stem towards Bala, who is standing on the ground]'' That's an appealing offer. But, considering the options, ''you'' go back. Okay? 'Cause I'm going to Insectopia.
:'''Bala''': Oh, come on! Insectopia? You're crazier than I thought.
:'''Z''': Yeah? Well, I happen to have it on a very reliable source. ''[he clears his throat]'' Or... Or should I say, a drunk, raving source? But the point is, I'm convinced the place definitely exists! ''[he heads on towards the monolith]''
:'''Bala''': Stop! I ''order'' you to stop, worker!
:'''Z''': Hey! I got a name, okay?! It's Z! And out here, you can't order me around! ''[he continues walking on]''
:'''Bala''': All right! Fine! No problem! Grr! ''[Bala goes the opposite direction of Z, but suddenly, the ground underneath her starts to shake and rise, and she finds herself on the back of the praying mantis, who turns and gnashes its jaws at her. Bala gasps, and then runs after Z in terror]'' Worker! Worker, where are you? Z? Z, wait for me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Cutter watches, as the Queen tells Mandible that she wants Bala back]''
:'''Queen''': No more excuses, General. I want my daughter back. Frankly, I'm beginning to doubt your ability to handle this.
:'''General Mandible''': Believe me, your highness, we'll spare no effort to bring her back. Princess Bala is essential to all our plans for the future.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Z's independence has triggered a mass protest of workers]''
:'''Foreman''': People, come on. I know some ants who aren't gonna make their quota--
:'''Worker''': Buzz off, pawn of the oppressor!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Z has been trying to feast on a sandwich at a picnic, only to be blocked by the clingfilm it's wrapped in]''
:'''Bala''': Well, what's the problem?
:'''Z''': There's some kind of force-field!
:''[Above them, two wasps - Chip and Muffy - arrive]''
:'''Z''': Uh, excuse me? Excuse me? How... How do you get in?
:'''Chip''': ''[flying down to them]'' Yes, yes, well, I'm afraid this is a ''private'' function.
:'''Muffy''': Who are your friends, dear?
:'''Chip''': ''Crawling'' insects, poopsie.
:'''Muffy''': Oh, the poor dears. ''[to Z and Bala, slowly]'' Uh, good... morning!
:'''Chip''': Darling, really? Greeting every insect that emerges out of the grass?
:'''Bala''': Pardon me? I guess you don't recognize me! ''[the wasps land in front of them]'' I've been travelling, and I'm all... schlumpy. I'm Princess Bala.
:'''Chip''': Oh! ''[to Muffy]'' It's even worse. They're Eurotrash!
:'''Muffy''': Darling, they're poor, they're dirty, they're smelly. We have to help them. ''[leaning down, to Z and Bala]'' If you just wait right here, we'll get you a little something.
:'''Chip''': Ugh! Please, Muffy, not ''another'' crusade.
:'''Muffy''': Chippy, we have a social obligation to the less fortunate. ''[Chip rolls his eyes]'' I know you laugh at my hobbies, but this is ''important'' to me! ''[Z and Bala flinch as she stamps in frustration]''
:'''Chip''': Hm. You have such a big heart. That's why you're my little cuddly-widdles...!
:'''Muffy''': Oh, my big strong pheromone factory...!
:''[The wasps start kissing in an exaggerated manner]''
:'''Z''': Oh, brother. Suddenly I've lost my appetite.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Z and Bala sit with some other bugs around a campfire in Insectopia]''
:'''Ladybug''': ''[tasting a brown lump]'' This stuff tastes like crap.
:'''Fly''': Really? Let me try some. ''[tastes it]'' Hey, it ''is'' crap! Not bad. ''[continues eating]'' Somebody needs to feed that fire.
:'''Mosquito''': Dude, I did it last time. 
:'''Fly''': Well, I'm not gonna get it. It's not my job. 
:'''Ladybug''': What about the new guy? He hasn't contributed yet.
:''[They observe Z and Bala talking by themselves]''
:'''Z''': ''[about Barbatus]'' And... you know, he just died in my arms like that. I... You know, I don't think he ever once, in his life, made his own choice. 
:'''Bala''': ''[moved and saddened]'' I never knew it was like that. I mean, up in the palace... Well, I guess we just let the General make all the decisions. 
:'''Z''': Let me ask you something - what made you come to the bar that night?
:'''Bala''' : I guess I was looking for a little trouble.
:'''Z''': Well, trouble's my middle name. Actually, my middle name is Marion, but, uh, I don't want you spreading that around.
:'''Bala''': ''[chuckles]'' You're pretty strange. You do know that, don't you?
:'''Z''': Well, ''[clears throat]'' &quot;strange&quot; is... not exactly the word ''I'' would use, you know-- 
:'''Bala''': ''[smiling]'' I like it. You're not like anyone else. 
:'''Z''': ''[stammering]'' Actually, now that you mention it, I... there is a certain strangeness to me. I mean, it's a... you know, kind of a bizarre quality. Some have said &quot;freak&quot;. But it's, uh, you know, complimentary. 
:''[Bala keeps smiling, leaning towards him, and they are about to kiss]''
:'''Fly''': Hey, new guy! We need more wood.
:''[Bala shrugs disappointedly]''
:'''Z''': I'll be right back. Just hold that thought - whatever... whatever it is you were thinking. ''[to the other bugs, as he leaves]'' Hey, you ever wonder why they call you guys &quot;''pests''&quot;?
:'''Mosquito''': What if, like, we're just these tiny things, and we're just, like, part of this whole other huge universe that's, like, so big we don't even know it exists?
:'''Ladybug''': ''[chuckles]'' Man, that is ''so'' deep.

&lt;hr width= &quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''General Mandible''': What the hell is that?!
:'''Cutter''': I think that's the &quot;weak elements&quot;, sir.
:'''Z''': Give me--give me your hand!
:'''General Mandible''': Z! You?! Let go! ''[Mandible grabs a spear]'' Don't you understand?! It's for the good of the colony!
:'''Z''': Wh-what are you saying?! We ''are'' the colony!
:''[Mandible is about to kill Z, but Cutter punches Mandible in the face, knocking him to the ground]''
:'''General Mandible''': ''[rubbing his face]'' Cutter... what are you doing?
:'''Cutter''': Something I should have done, a long time ago. ''This'' is for the good of the colony, sir. ''[Cutter grabs onto Z's hands to pull him up]''
:'''General Mandible''': '''YOU USELESS, UNGRATEFUL MAGGOT! ''I'' AM THE COLONY!''' ''[He charges at Cutter]''
:'''Z''': ''[gasps]'' Look out!
:[''General Mandible and Z fall down into the hole towards the flooding colony. Mandible hits a root and Z lands in the water.'']
:'''Bala''': Z!
:'''Cutter''': Men! Let's move it! Get these ants up here!
:[''The soldiers start pulling the ants out, and Cutter flies in to rescue Z.'']

== About ''Antz'' ==
* It's computer animation. It's a new industry. It has limitations: It doesn't do skin, hair and clothing real well. Take away skin, hair and clothing and you have crabs and insects.
** [[w:Tim Johnson|Tim Johnson]] in [http://laprensa-sandiego.org/archieve/october02/ants.htm ] by Michael Fleeman, ''La Prensa San Diego'', January 13, 1998.
* Schlock version of ''A Bug's Life''.
** [[w:John Lasseter|John Lasseter]], ''The Pixar Touch'', Price, p.&amp;nbsp;173

== Taglines ==
* Every ant has his day.
* Every ant runs the colony.
* See the world from a whole new perspective.
* Actual size of the next really big movie star.
* Antz iz coming 1-6-98.
* &quot;The hero.&quot; (Z tagline)
* &quot;The princess.&quot; (Bala tagline)
* &quot;Best friend.&quot; (Weaver tagline)
* &quot;The general.&quot; (Mandible tagline)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|120587|Antz}}

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[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
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[[Category:Films about insects]]
[[Category:Films directed by Eric Darnell]]
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    <title>Georgia (U.S. state)</title>
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      <text bytes="23708" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Flag of Georgia (U.S. state).svg|thumb|Georgia, where the peaches grow. They drink lemonade and speak real slow. ~ [[w:Rich Cronin|Richard B. Cronin]]]]
[[File:Seal of Georgia.svg|thumb|Georgia, no peace I find. Just an old sweet song keeps Georgia on my mind. ~ &quot;[[w:Georgia On My Mind|Georgia On My Mind]]&quot;]]
[[File:Georgia State Capitol.jpg|thumb|Georgia has prospered because we have refused to be divided. We have worked together, and the nation and the world have taken notice. We are where we are today, the envy of other states, because decades ago our leaders accepted change while others defied it. In the long run, it has paid us handsome dividends. ~ [[Roy Barnes]]]]
[[File:Buckhead2007.jpg|thumb|Georgia quietly concentrated on growing our economy, on the goals that bring us together rather than those that can tear us apart, and, in the process, Georgia established itself as the leader. ~ [[Roy Barnes]]]]
[[File:Buckhead2018.jpg|thumb|We have a great deal to be proud of as Georgians. Our history, our heritage, our state's great natural beauty. But, nothing should make us prouder than the way Georgia has led the South. ~ [[Roy Barnes]]]]
[[File:TECHATLCL.jpg|thumb|Our people do not need to bleed the color of red Georgia clay. ~ [[Roy Barnes]]]]
&lt;!--[[File:Atlanta_Downtown_Skyline.jpg|thumb|The children of tomorrow look to us today for leadership. If we show them the courage of our convictions, they will one day honor us as we honor the true leaders of decades past. Do your duty because that is what God requires of all of us. ~ [[Roy Barnes]]]]
[[File:Turner_Field_2013.jpg|thumb|Lack of jobs, opportunity, good schools... Every single major urban center in America is run by Democrats... Even the place that was once my home, Atlanta... I remember the first black mayor of Atlanta, Maynard Jackson. That guy was a leader and even spoke at my high school Baccalaureate. But today, Atlanta Mayor Kasim Reed has done such a bang-up job that the Atlanta Braves are moving to Cobb County! Just do the assessment yourselves, who are [[Democratic Party (United States)|the elected officials heading up the urban centers]]? And where does one find the most dire socio-economic statistics? ~ [[Allen West (politician)|Allen B. West]]]]
[[File:Coat of arms of the State of Georgia (1876).png|thumb|If there is anything we should have learned from [[w:Georgia (U.S. state)|our]] history, it is that using racial bigotry for political advantage always backfires. Sometimes in the short run, sometimes in the long run. Often both. And if you allow yourself to be dragged along in its raging current even if only briefly, you will live the rest of your life regretting your mistake. ~ [[Roy Barnes]]]]
[[File:Sherman sea 1868.jpg|thumb|We made a thoroughfare for freedom and her train, sixty miles in latitude, three hundred to the main. Treason fled before us, for resistance was in vain, while we were marching through Georgia. ~ [[w:Henry Clay Work|Henry Clay Work]]]]
[[File:Flag of the United States (1777–1795).svg|thumb|We are not influenced by any contracted or interested motives, but a general philanthropy for all mankind, of whatever climate, language, or complexion. We hereby declare our disapprobation and abhorrence of the unnatural practice of slavery. ~ [[w:Darien Georgia|Darien Committee]]]]
[[File:Flag of the United States of America (1861-1863).svg|thumb|By the original compact of government, the [[United States]] had certain rights in Georgia, which have never been relinquished and never will be. ~ [[William Tecumseh Sherman]]]]
[[File:Great Meeting Union Square.jpg|thumb|Allow the Union and [[peace]] once more to settle over your old homes at Atlanta. ~ [[William Tecumseh Sherman]]]]
[[File:View in Atlanta, Georgia.jpg|thumb|Unless there had been a separation from the North, [[slavery]] would be abolished in [[w:Georgia (U.S. state)|Georgia]]. ~ [[Henry L. Benning]]]]
[[File:SlavesForSaleNewOrleans1861.jpeg|thumb|What was the reason that induced [[w:Georgia (U.S. state)|Georgia]] to take the step of secession? This reason may be summed up in one single proposition. It was a conviction, a deep conviction on the part of [[w:Georgia (U.S. state)|Georgia]], that a separation from the North-was the only thing that could prevent the abolition of her slavery. ~ [[Henry L. Benning|Henry Lewis Benning]]]]
[[File:Stone mountain closer up.jpg|thumb|Bragg, Johnston, and Hood all attempted to defend Georgia, and they are ignored on Stone Mountain. So is Joe Wheeler, whose cavalry feasted off Georgians in 1864. So is John B. Gordon, wartime hero and postwar Klansman. Given Stone Mountain's history, Klansman Gordon would have been a good choice. ~ [[Brooks D. Simpson]]]]
[[File:Flag of the State of Georgia (1956-2001).svg|thumb|Social equality is impossible. The schools are not going to be mixed, come hell or high water. ~ [[w:Marvin Griffin|Samuel Marvin Griffin, Sr.]]]]--&gt;
'''[[w:Georgia (U.S. state)|Georgia]]''' is a [[w:U.S. state|state]] located in the [[w:southeastern United States|southern United States]]. [[w:Province of Georgia|Georgia]] was one of the [[w:Thirteen Colonies|Thirteen Colonies]] that revolted against [[Great Britain|British]] rule in the [[w:American Revolutionary War|American Revolutionary War]]. It was the last of the Thirteen Colonies to be established as a colony. It was the fourth state to ratify the [[United States Constitution]], on January 2, 1788.
__NOTOC__
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== Quotes ==
===B===
*Georgia has prospered because we have refused to be divided. We have worked together, and the nation and the world have taken notice. We are where we are today, the envy of other states, because decades ago our leaders accepted change while others defied it. In the long run, it has paid us handsome dividends. 
**[[Roy Barnes]], [https://flagspot.net/flags/us-ga4.html#barnes speech to the Georgian House of Representatives] (24 January 2001)

*Our people do not need to bleed the color of red Georgia clay.
**[[Roy Barnes]], [https://flagspot.net/flags/us-ga4.html#barnes speech to the Georgian House of Representatives] (24 January 2001)

*We have a great deal to be proud of as Georgians. Our history, our heritage, our state's great natural beauty. But, nothing should make us prouder than the way Georgia has led the South by focusing on the things that unite us instead of dwelling on those that divide us.
**[[Roy Barnes]], [https://flagspot.net/flags/us-ga4.html#barnes speech to the Georgian House of Representatives] (24 January 2001)

*What will be the result to the institution of slavery, which will follow submission to the inauguration and administration of Mister Lincoln as the President of one section of the Union? My candid opinion is, that it will be the total abolition of slavery... I do not doubt, therefore, that submission to the administration of Mister Lincoln will result in the final abolition of slavery. If we fail to resist now, we will never again have the strength to resist.
**[[w:Joseph E. Brown|Joseph Brown]], [http://www.civilwarcauses.org/jbrown.htm letter] (7 December 1860), as quoted in [http://www.civilwarcauses.org/jbrown.htm ''Secession Debated''], pp. 145&amp;ndash;159

===C===

* Atlanta is one of the world's most peculiar cities. It has the requisite pointy skyscrapers and if you ask for a small Coke in a Taco Bell, it still comes in a bucket. This is America.
** Jeremy Clarkson, ''Born to be Riled'' (1999), p. 196

*Where Gladys Knight took the ''Midnight Train''; the birthplace of [[Martin Luther King, Jr.|Martin Luther King]].
**[[w:Field Mob|Darion Crawford]], [http://genius.com/Field-mob-georgia-lyrics &quot;Georgia&quot;] (9 October 2005), ''Light Poles and Pine Trees'' (20 June 2006), New York City: Geffen Records.

*Georgia, where the peaches grow. They drink lemonade and speak real slow.
**[[w:Rich Cronin|Richard B. Cronin]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZaWF_FrMRpY &quot;Summer Girls&quot;] (1999), ''LFO'', Arista Records

===D===
* The town in Georgia's got a law on the books / Says if we all got guns then we won't have crooks / Now what could make them think that way?
** [[w:The Dead Milkmen|The Dead Milkmen]], “Right Wing Pigeons“, ''[[w:Big Lizard in My Backyard|Big Lizard in My Backyard]]'' (1985)

*I do not think we have to discriminate against anyone to protect the faith based community in Georgia of which my family and I are a part of for all of our lives.
**[[Nathan Deal]], [https://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/post-partisan/wp/2016/03/28/georgia-governors-wise-veto-of-anti-lgbt-bill-still-raises-a-red-flag/ remarks on HB 757] (March 2016)

===G===
* Other arms reach out to me&lt;br&gt; Other eyes smile tenderly&lt;br&gt; Still in peaceful dreams I see&lt;br&gt; The road leads back to you.&lt;br&gt; Georgia, oh Georgia, no peace I find...&lt;br&gt; Just an old sweet song &lt;br&gt; Keeps Georgia on my mind.
** &quot;[[w:Georgia On My Mind|Georgia On My Mind]]&quot; (1960), lyrics by [[w:Stuart Gorrell|Stuart Gorrell]] and [[w:Hoagy Carmichael|Hoagy Carmichael]]

*The people of Georgia having dissolved their political connection with the Government of the United States of America, present to their confederates, and the world, the causes which have led to the separation. For the last ten years we have had numerous and serious causes of complaint against our non-slaveholding confederate States, with reference to the subject of African slavery... The party of Lincoln, called the Republican party, under its present name and organization is of recent origin. It is admitted to be an anti-slavery party, while it attracts to itself by its creed, the scattered advocates of exploded political heresies, of condemned theories in political economy, the advocates of commercial restrictions, of protection, of special privileges, of waste and corruption in the administration of Government; anti-slavery is its mission and its purpose.
**''[[s:Georgia Declaration of Causes of Secession|Georgia Declaration of Causes of Secession]]'' (January 1861)

*Social equality is impossible. The schools are not going to be mixed, come hell or high water.
**[[w:Marvin Griffin|Samuel Marvin Griffin, Sr.]], as quoted in [http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,860992,00.html &quot;The Strategists&quot;] (12 July 1954), ''Time''

===H===
*Started in Atlanta, then I spread out with it. South Carolina, Alabama, Mississippi. On to North Carolina, Philadelphia, and Virginia. From down in Miami where it's warm in the winter. On up to Minnesota where it storms in the winter.
**[[w:T.I.|Clifford Harris]], [http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/djkhaled/wetakinover.html &quot;We Takin' Over&quot;]

*The presidential election of 1864, occurring after the spectacular Union military successes at Mobile Bay and in Georgia and the Shenandoah Valley, reaffirmed the northern majority's commitment to the suppression of the rebellion in the South and the restoration of the Union without slavery. Arguably, Abraham Lincoln's victory owed more to the Northern rejection of the Democratic Party's war-failure platform and its call for an armistice preparatory to a national peace convention than to the voters' confidence in the president's leadership.
**[[w:William C. Harris|William Harris]], as quoted in [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/j/jala/2629860.0021.104?rgn=main;view=fulltext &quot;The Hampton Roads Peace Conference: A Final Test of Lincoln's Presidential Leadership&quot;] (2000), ''Journal of the Abraham Lincoln Association'', pp. 30-61

*The three States of Georgia, Florida and South Carolina, comprising the military department of the south, having deliberately declared themselves no longer under the protection of the United States of America, and having taken up arms against the said United States, it becomes a military necessity to declare them under martial law. This was accordingly done on the 25th day of April, 1862. Slavery and martial law in a free country are altogether incompatible; the persons in these three States — Georgia, Florida, and South Carolina— heretofore held as slaves, are therefore declared forever free.
**[[David Hunter]], [http://www.freedmen.umd.edu/hunter.htm#HUNTER General Order No. 11] (9 May 1862), Department of the South

===K===
*Let freedom ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia!
**[[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], &quot;I Have A Dream&quot; (1963), Washington, D.C.

===J===
*We're on the grind in Georgia, all the time. It ain't nothing no my mind, but Georgia.
**[[w:Field Mob|Shawn T. Johnson]],  [http://genius.com/Field-mob-georgia-lyrics &quot;Georgia&quot;] (9 October 2005), ''Light Poles and Pine Trees'' (20 June 2006), New York City: Geffen Records
&lt;!--
===L===
*[[Alexander H. Stephens|Alexander Stephens]] was, but of course, a Democrat. Stephens, a longtime member of the House from Georgia, left the splintering Whig Party to join the Democrats precisely because of his views on race. After getting out of federal prison in the post-Civil War era, imprisoned for his role in the rebellion, Stephens went back to Congress as a Democrat and later was elected governor of Georgia.
**[[w:Jeffrey Lord|Jeffrey Lord]], [https://web.archive.org/web/20150806153347/https://www.conservativereview.com/commentary/2015/02/will-gop-demand-obama-apology-for-slavery &quot;Will GOP Demand Obama Apology for Slavery?&quot;] (10 February 2015), ''Conservative Review''
--&gt;
===M===
*Calling up my homeboy, Daddy Ray. Hey Ray, what's up with the girls in GA?
**[[Sir Mix-a-Lot]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6gI9I7GXdA4&amp;feature=youtu.be &quot;Jump on It&quot;] (1996), ''Return of the Bumpasaurus'', Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Universal Music Publishing Group, Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd., Regent Music Corporation
&lt;!--
===R===
*I bear about me daily the keenest sense of their weight, and that feeling prompts me now to lift my voice for the first time in this council chamber of the nation; and, sir, I stand today on this floor to appeal for protection from the strong arm of the government for her loyal children, irrespective of color and race, who are citizens of the southern states, and particularly of the state of Georgia. I am well aware, sir, that the idea is abroad that an antagonism exists between the whites and blacks, that that race which the nation raised from the degradation of slavery, and endowed with the full and unqualified rights and privileges of citizenship, are intent upon power, at whatever price it can be gained. It has been the well-considered purpose and aim of a class not confined to the south to spread this charge over the land, and their efforts are as vigorous today to educate the people of this nation into that belief as they were at the close of the war. It was not uncommon to find this same class, even during the rebellion, prognosticating a servile war.
**[[Hiram Rhodes Revels]], [http://www.senate.gov/artandhistory/history/resources/pdf/RevelsGeorgia.pdf speech to the senate] (16 March 1870)
--&gt;

===S===

* In 1956, as a reaction to the requirement to integrate, the Georgia Assembly changed the state flag to incorporate the Confederate Battle Flag. As Denmark Groover, the legislator who guided the bill to passage, said at the time, &quot;The Confederate symbol was added mostly out of defiance to federal integration orders.&quot; While I lived in Georgia, the white supremacist Confederate Battle Flag dominated the state flag. In 2003, Georgia changed its flag, losing the Confederate Battle Flag and returning to a version of the flag first introduced in 1879. The current flag is an homage to the first Confederate national flag, the Stars and Bars. White southerners continue to focus on a four-year period when they fought a rebellion to create a slave republic and lost badly.
** Ty Seidule, ''Robert E. Lee and Me: A Southerner's Reckoning with the Myth of the Lost Cause'' (2020), p. 81

* While lynch mobs in Virginia murdered 84 people according to exhaustive reporting done by the Equal Justice Initiative, my adopted home state of Georgia was far more violent. Georgia lynch mobs murdered 589 people between 1877 and 1950. Most of the attacks in Northern Virginia and Walton County came after accusations of Black men raping white women. Several lynchings occurred because African American men did not act in a docile manner, upsetting the racial conventions demanded by white society.
** Ty Seidule, ''Robert E. Lee and Me: A Southerner's Reckoning with the Myth of the Lost Cause'' (2020), p. 84

* The sustained legal campaign of subjugation, called Jim Crow, plus targeted law enforcement, lack of education resources, and limited economic opportunity, resulted in &quot;the Great Migration.&quot; Starting in the first decade of the twentieth century, more than a million African Americans left the racial violence and poverty of the South for the industrial cities of the North and West. In 1900, Georgia's Black population was over 47 percent of the total. By 1970, the figure had dropped to just over 25 percent. In the 1910 census, Walton County recorded 25,393 people. The next time it would reach that level was in the 1980 census, the year I graduated from high school. By then, Walton County benefited from its proximity to a booming Atlanta. The racial terror and Jim Crow laws decreased Georgia's population and retarded its economic potential for generations. Racism isn't just morally wrong; it's economically stupid.
** Ty Seidule, ''Robert E. Lee and Me: A Southerner's Reckoning with the Myth of the Lost Cause'' (2020), p. 90-91

*It is unknown how many slaves were freed in Virginia as a reward for military service, but in neighboring Georgia, Austin Dabney was the only one. Purchased by the legislature from his owner, he also received a land grant as well as a federal pension.
**Robert A. Selig, [https://web.archive.org/web/20141008220806/http://amrevmuseum.org/reflections/african-americans-continental-army-and-state-militias-during-american-war-independence &quot;African-Americans in the Continental Army and the State Militias During the American War of Independence&quot;], ''Reflections''--&gt;

* I can make this march, and I will make Georgia howl!
**[[William Tecumseh Sherman]], telegram to General U.S. Grant (1864), as quoted in ''Conflict and Compromise: The Political Economy of Slavery, Emancipation, and The American Civil War'' (1989), by Roger L. Ransom

*If the people raise a howl against my barbarity and cruelty, I will answer that [[war]] is war, and not popularity-seeking. If they want peace, they and their relatives must stop the war.
**[[William Tecumseh Sherman]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=HzBCAAAAIAAJ&amp;pg=PA367 Letter to Henry W. Halleck] (September 1864)

*By the original compact of government, the [[United States]] had certain rights in Georgia, which have never been relinquished and never will be... Allow the Union and [[peace]] once more to settle over your old homes at Atlanta.
**[[William Tecumseh Sherman]], [[s:Letter to James M. Calhoun, et al., September 12, 1864|letter to the members of the city council of the City of Atlanta]] (12 September 1864)

*I beg to present you as a Christmas gift the City of Savannah, with one hundred and fifty guns and plenty of ammunition, also about twenty-five thousand bales of cotton.
**[[William Tecumseh Sherman]], as quoted in telegraph to Abraham Lincoln (December 1864), as quoted in [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:BookSources/0940450658 ''Southern Storm: Sherman's March to the Sea''] (2008), by Noah Andre Trudeau, New York: HarperCollins, p. 508

*Still on the whole the campaign is the best, cleanest and most satisfactory of the war. I have received the most fulsome praise of all men from the President down, but I fear the world will jump to the wrong conclusion that because I am in Atlanta the work is done. Far from it. We must kill three hundred thousand I have told of so often, and the further they run the harder for us to get them.
**[[William Tecumseh Sherman]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=GGbkHUePtVwC&amp;pg=PA211&amp;lpg=PA211&amp;dq=%22Let+Christians+use+all+their+influence+to+have+justice+done+to+the%22&amp;source=bl&amp;ots=xzMnONRk_q&amp;sig=GM20pEdkX6KI-_kXoMv2FQY7cE4&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0CB4Q6AEwAGoVChMIp9vdhJbhxwIVi2g-Ch0koQbz#v=onepage&amp;q=%22Let%20Christians%20use%20all%20their%20influence%20to%20have%20justice%20done%20to%20the%22&amp;f=false letter to wife]

===W===
*I was watching the news reports from Baltimore and hearing all the condemnations from some about being kept down and the lack of jobs, opportunity, good schools; then why do these blacks keep voting for the same people? And this isn't a phenomenon isolated to Baltimore. Every single major urban center in America is run by Democrats; more specifically, liberal progressives, black or white. The morass that became Detroit. The killing fields of Chicago. The depravity of Washington, D.C. The shame of South Dallas. And yes, even the place that was once my home, Atlanta, even with all the successful black entertainers. Now, I remember the first black mayor of Atlanta, Maynard Jackson. That guy was a leader and even spoke at my high school Baccalaureate. But today, Atlanta Mayor Kasim Reed has done such a bang-up job that the Atlanta Braves are moving to Cobb County! Just do the assessment yourselves, who are [[Democratic Party (United States)|the elected officials heading up the urban centers]]? And where does one find the most dire socio-economic statistics?
** [[Allen West (politician)|Allen B. West]], [http://blackrepublican.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2015-05-29T13:38:00-04:00&amp;max-results=7&amp;start=7&amp;by-date=false &quot;The dirty little secret no one wants to admit about Baltimore&quot;] (18 May 2015), ''National Black Republican Association''.

*Hurrah! Hurrah! [[Emancipation|We bring the jubilee!]] Hurrah! Hurrah! [[w:Flag of the United States|The flag]] [[Emancipation|that makes you free]]... So we made a thoroughfare for freedom and her train, sixty miles in latitude, three hundred to the main. Treason fled before us, for resistance was in vain, while we were marching through Georgia... Yes and there were Union men who wept with joyful tears, when they saw the honored flag they had not seen for years. Hardly could they be restrained from breaking forth in cheers, while we were marching through Georgia.
**[[w:Henry Clay Work|Henry Clay Work]], &quot;[[w:Marching Through Georgia|Marching Through Georgia]]&quot; (1865)

=== Georgia runoff elections 2020/2021 ===
&lt;small&gt;(in Chronological order)&lt;/small&gt;

* The management of Georgia elections has become an embarrassment for our state
** [[Raphael Warnock]] &amp;  [[w:Kelly Loeffler|Kelly Loeffler]] according to [[https://www.cnn.com/2020/11/09/politics/georgia-runoff-key-dates/index.html https://www.cnn.com/2020/11/09/politics/georgia-runoff-key-dates/index.html] ( 9 November 2020)

* RINOS @BrianKempGA, @GeoffDuncanGA, &amp; Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger, will be solely responsible for the potential loss of our two GREAT Senators from Georgia, @sendavidperdue &amp; @KLoeffler. Won’t call a Special Session or check for Signature Verification! People are ANGRY!
** Quoted by {{citation |date=2020-12-07 |title=Trump Says 'RINOS' Kemp, Raffensperger 'Solely Responsible' If Loeffler, Perdue Lose Election | author= Jeffery Martin | periodical=Newsweek | url=https://www.newsweek.com/trump-says-rinos-kemp-raffensperger-solely-responsible-if-loeffler-perdue-lose-election-1553024}}

* Doorknock for Warnock vote your [https://idioms.thefreedictionary.com/ass+off oss off]
** Campaign slogan according to   [[w:Peter Doocy|Peter Doocy]]  on  [[w:Fox News Sunday with Chris Wallace|Fox News Sunday with Chris Wallace]], (January 3, 2020)

== External links ==
*{{wikipedia-inline}}
*{{Wikivoyage-inline|Georgia (state)}}

[[Category:States of the United States]]</text>
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'''''[[w:Robin Hood: Men in Tights|Robin Hood: Men in Tights]]''''' is a [[w:1993 in film|1993 film]] [[w:parody|parody]] of the story of [[w:Robin Hood|Robin Hood]], particularly parodying ''[[w:Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves|Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves]]''. Other Robin Hood films, such as ''[[w:The Adventures of Robin Hood (film)|The Adventures of Robin Hood]]'' and [[w:The Walt Disney Company|Disney]]'s ''[[w:Robin Hood (1973 film)|Robin Hood]]'', are also parodied. The film is reminiscent of Brooks's 1975 Robin Hood based [[w:Situation comedy|sitcom]] ''[[w:When Things Were Rotten|When Things Were Rotten]]''.
:''Directed by [[Mel Brooks]]. Written by [[Mel Brooks]], [[w:J.D. Shapiro|J.D. Shapiro]], and [[w:Evan Chandler|Evan Chandler]].''

{{center|'''The legend had it coming... Find out where Robin Hood put his Little John, what made Will Scarlet, and what did Friar Tuck into his tights that had Maid Marion all of a quiver?''' }}

==Robin Hood==
* Because, unlike [[w:Kevin Costner|some other Robin Hoods]], ''I'' can speak with an English accent.

==Others==
* '''Prince John''': Tell everyone that when the day is out we shall have a wedding. Or a hanging. Either way, we're gonna ''[joyfully snaps fingers]'' have a lot of fun, huh? ''[everybody cheers]''
* '''Ahchoo''': Let's get out of this ladies clothing and get into our tights!

==Dialogue==
:'''Robin Hood''': Kindly let me pass.
:'''Little John''': Uh, no. Sorry, but a toll is a toll, and a roll is a roll, and if we don't get no tolls, then we don't eat no rolls. ''[proudly]'' I made that up.
:'''Robin Hood''': It's very fascinating. But I'm afraid I'm going to have to hurt you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robin Hood''': You've just entered the territory of Robin Hood and his Merry Men.
:'''Rabbi Tuckman''': ''[makes a suggestive wave of his hand]'' Faigelehs?
:'''Robin Hood''': No, no, we're straight, just merry.
:'''Rabbi Tuckman''': Azoy?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robin Hood''': Blinkin, I'd like you to meet Ahchoo.
:'''Blinkin''': A Jew? Here?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prince John''': Such an unusual name. Latrine. How did your family come by it?
:'''Latrine''': We changed it in the 9th Century.
:'''Prince John''': You changed it ''to'' Latrine?
:'''Latrine''': Yeah! It used to be Shithouse.
:'''Prince John''': It's a good change.....it's a good change.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheriff of Rottingham''': The old man is Loxley.
:'''Prince John''': Are you sure? He looks like [[Mark Twain]].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Achoo is named the new Sheriff of Rottingham]''
:'''Townspeople''': A ''black'' sheriff?!
:'''Blinkin''': He's black?
:'''Achoo''': And why not? It worked in ''[[Blazing Saddles]]''. 

== Cast ==
* [[w:Cary Elwes|Cary Elwes]] - Robin of Loxley, called [[w:Robin Hood|Robin Hood]]
* [[w:Amy Yasbeck|Amy Yasbeck]] - [[w:Maid Marian|Maid Marian]] of Bagel
* [[w:Richard Lewis|Richard Lewis]] - Prince John
* [[w:Roger Rees|Roger Rees]] - [[w:Sheriff of Nottingham|Sheriff of Rottingham]]
* [[Dave Chappelle]] - Ahchoo
* [[Mel Brooks]] - Rabbi Tuckman
* [[w:Mark Blankfield|Mark Blankfield]] - Blinkin
* [[w:Eric Allan Kramer|Eric Allan Kramer]] - [[w:Little John|Little John]]
* [[w:Matthew Porretta|Matthew Porretta]] - [[w:Will Scarlet|Will Scarlet]] [[w:Scarlett O'Hara|O'Hara]]
* [[w:Isaac Hayes|Isaac Hayes]] - Asneeze
* [[Tracey Ullman]] - Latrine the Witch 
* [[w:Patrick Stewart|Patrick Stewart]] - [[Richard I of England|King Richard]]
* [[w:Dom DeLuise|Dom DeLuise]] - Don Giovanni
* [[w:Dick Van Patten|Dick Van Patten]] - The Abbot
* [[w:Megan Cavanagh|Megan Cavanagh]] - Broomhilde
* [[w:Brian George|Brian George]] - Dungeon Maitre d'

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title | id=0107977 | title=Robin Hood: Men In Tights}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=robin_hood_men_in_tights|title=Robin Hood: Men In Tights}}

[[Category:1993 films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Comedy films]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Mel Brooks]]
[[Category:Vigilante films]]
[[Category:Films directed by Mel Brooks]]
[[Category:Films about royalty]]

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    <title>Hook (film)</title>
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'''''[[w:Hook (film)|Hook]]''''' was  a [[w:1991 in film|1991 film]] that tells the story of Peter Banning/Peter Pan, a middle-aged business man who returns with his family to London, and the orphanage where he was raised. While there, his children are kidnapped and a note is left signed by &quot;J. Hook, Captain&quot;. Wendy, the woman who raised Peter, tells him that the Peter Pan stories are true, and that he, Peter Banning is actually the boy who said he would never grow up. Peter must return to Neverland and find his forgotten childhood in order to save his family.
:''Directed by [[Steven Spielberg]]. Written by [[w:J. M. Barrie|J. M. Barrie]] (books/play), [[w:Nick Castle|Nick Castle]] (screen story), [[w:James V. Hart|Jim V. Hart]] (screen story/screenplay), and [[w:Malia Scotch Marmo|Malia Scotch Marmo]] (screenplay).''
{{center|'''What if Peter Pan grew up?''' [[#Taglines|Taglines]]}}

== Peter Banning/Peter Pan ==

* ''[to his son Jack, on the airplane ride]'' What the hell's the matter with you? When are you gonna stop acting like a child?
* ''[while trying to swat Tinkerbell]'' Fire fly from hell! Big damn bug!
* ''[trying to rationalize why he can see Tinkerbell]'' You're a... you're a complex Freudian hallucination having something to do with my mother and I don't know why you have wings, but you have very lovely legs and you're a very nice tiny person and what am I saying? I don't know who my mother was. I'm an orphan and I've never taken drugs because I missed the sixties; I was an accountant.
* ''[to a pirate who admires his boots]'' I think you can get them at Armani.
* Hook, you let those kids out of that net in less than one minute or you better get an attorney and hope to God he's better than me.
* ''[after Rufio draws his sword]'' Okay, Mister. All right. Show's over. You ''put'' that thing away! Now put it down before you poke somebody's eye out!
* Oh Rufio?, Why don't you go suck on a dead dog's nose!
* It's Hook or me this time.
* ''[unearthing his cell phone]'' Wow. [opens it and holds it to his ear] Brad! Hi! ...you been holding this long? ...Uh huh. ...Neverland. Lost Boys. Jim Hook, duel to the death, I'll tell you about it later. Listen, I'd love to chat... but I gotta climb a drain pipe right now. &quot;Why?&quot; Because I ran out of fairy dust, if not I would've flown up. ''[hangs up]'' Pssh, &quot;Why?&quot;
* ''[seeing Tinkerbell defeating the pirates]'' Are you related to [[Mighty Mouse]]?
* ''[voiceover]'' Thank you for believing.

== Captain James Hook ==
* And you'd better deliver, Miss Bell, or no amount of clapping will bring you back from where ''I'' will send you.
* Revenge is Mine.
* He'll crow. He'll fight. He'll fly. And then... he'll die.
* Oh, I hate being disappointed, Smee. And I hate living in this flawed body. And I hate living in Neverland. And I hate, I hate, I ''hate'' Peter Pan!
* ''[the pirates are playing baseball, and the catcher shoots the runner stealing second]'' No-no-no! Now stop it! We're playing this game by Master Jack's rules. Bad form! Sit down, now. Let's resume the game. ''[to the lady next to him]'' Very violent sport, isn't it, baseball?
* Are you ready for me, Peter? Come on. Humor the Hook!
* You know you're not really Peter Pan, don't you? This is only a dream. When you wake up, you'll just be Peter Banning - a cold, selfish man who drinks too much, is obsessed with success, and runs and hides from his wife and children.
* What would the world be like without Captain Hook?
*''[In a suicidal funk, he appears having fetched his pistol]'' No stopping me this time, Smee. This is it. Don't make a move Smee, not a step. My finger's on the trigger. Don't try to stop me, Smee!
:'''''Smee''''': Oh, not again.
:'''''Captain Hook''''': This is it. Don't try to stop me this time, Smee. Don't try to stop me this time, Smee. Don't you dare try to stop me this time, Smee, try to stop me. Smee, you'd better get up off your ass. Get over here, Smee! Stop me! Don't you understand this is not a joke, I'm committing suicide! ''[Wrestles for the gun with Smee. The gun goes off, setting a model ship on fire.]'' Don't ever frighten me like that again.  What are you, some kind of sadist?
* Fools, James Hook ''is'' Neverland! ''[corners Peter and prepares to impale him with his hook] ''Whenever children read, it will say &quot;''Thus perished Peter Pan.''&quot;
* ''[last words]'' I want my mommy!

== Granny Wendy/Wendy Darling ==
* So, Peter... you've become a pirate.
* ''[Maggie says that Jack told her Wendy is not the &quot;real&quot; Wendy]'' Ahh. Well, do you see where Jack is? That is the same window and this is the same room where we made up bedtime stories telling about Peter, Neverland, and scary old Captain Hook. But did you know that Mr. Barrie... well, Sir James, our neighbor, he loved our stories so much that he wrote them all down in a book... oh dear me... eighty years ago.
:'''''Maggie''''': You're really old.
:'''Wendy''': That's very true.

* The stories are true! I swear to you! I swear to you on everything I hold dear! And now he's come back to seek his revenge. The fight isn't over for Captain James Hook. He wants you back. He knows that you'll follow Jack and Maggie to the ends of the earth and beyond. And by heavens, you must find a way. Only you can save your children. Somehow, you must go back. You must make yourself remember. 
:'''''Peter''''': Remember what?
:'''Wendy''': Peter, don't you know who you are? ''[turns the page of a storybook to reveal an illustration of Peter Pan]''
:'''Wendy''': (As Peter is stunned/confused at the meaning) Yes boy.... yes. (verifying her meaning)

* ''[Peter remembers the last time he came for Wendy]'' Peter, I can't come with you. I've forgotten how to fly. I'm old, Peter. Ever so much more than twenty. I grew up a long time ago.

== Mr. Smee ==

* Smee, Smee. What About Smee? Smee! Smee! Smee. Smee. What about Smee? Smee's me. What about me?
* ''[ringing bell]'' If there's anybody not fighting, get here quick!
* ''[A man sweeping garbage in a London park looks suspiciously like Mr. Smee]'' &lt;br&gt;''[to Peter, who is laying down in the snow]'' Hallo! Having trouble with the missus? Well, you will have by the time you get home.
* Good morning, Neverland! Tie down the main mast, mateys, because here he is! The cunning kingfish! The bad barracuda! A man so deep, he's almost unfathomable. ''[Silence, as they fail to understand]'' A man so quick, he's even fast asleep! ''[Laughter]'' Thank you!! Now let's give him a big hand - 'cause he's only got one. I give you, the steel-handed stingray, Captain James Hook!
* It's time for Smee.
* ''[To Hook, who doesn't believe Peter's the real Peter Pan]'' He's Peter Pan alright, Captain... He's just been away from Neverland so long, his mind's been &quot;Junk-tified.&quot; He's forgotten ''everything.''
* ''[To Peter, who's climbing to rescue his children]'' Fly! I know it's you!

== Others ==

:'''Tootles''': Lost. Lost. ''[to Peter]'' I've lost my marbles.

:'''Tootles''': Have to fly, have to fight, have to crow, have to save Maggie, have to save Jack. Hook is back.

:'''Moira Banning''': Your children love you, they want to play with you. How long do you think that lasts? Soon Jack might not even want you to come to his games. We have a few special years with our children, when they're the ones that want us around. After that you're going to be running after them for a bit of attention. It's so fast Peter. Just a few years, and it's over. And you are not being careful. And you are missing it.

:'''Tinkerbell''': ''[In tears, after Peter fails to fly]'' It ''is'' true, then. You ''did'' grow up. I drank poison for you. You used to call me &quot;Tink.&quot; Have you forgotten ''everything?''

:'''Tinkerbell''': ''[To Peter, who's climbing to rescue his children]'' Be the Pan you are. Fly. ''Fly.'' Think a happy thought.

:'''Tinkerbell''': You know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you, Peter Pan. That's where I'll be waiting.

:'''Pockets''': ''[pressing on Peter's face to smooth the wrinkles and see if it's really him, and finally pulling the corners of his lips up to make him smile]'' Oh, there you are, Peter!

:'''Rufio''':  Rufi-o-o-o-o!

:'''Lost Boys''': ''[repeatedly]'' Bangarang!

:'''Rufio''': You are the Pan.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Peter Banning''': What's the deal? Where's the real food? 
:'''Tinkerbell''': If you can't imagine yourself being Peter Pan, you won't ''be'' Peter Pan, now eat up. 
:'''Peter Banning''': Eat what? There's nothing here. Gandhi ate more than this.

{{line}}
:[''the Bannings have arrived at Wendy's house. They knock on the door, and are answered by a senile old man, Tootles'']
:'''Peter Banning''': Uncle Tootles...
:'''Tootles''': [''completely ignoring the Bannings''] It's snowing!
:[''he slams the door in their faces, Jack laughs hysterically and chokes on his gum'']

{{line}}
:'''Captain Hook''': You! You! That's right, you! No, not you! Not you! You. You! You. You bet against me bringing Pan back here, didn't ya?
:'''Gutless''': No.
:'''Captain Hook''': Aw, tell your captain the truth. ''[pirate starts to cry]'' Aww, say it. Say it.
:'''Gutless''': I did.
:'''Captain Hook''': Yes, you made a boo-boo.
:'''Gutless''': ''[nods]'' I did. I did!
:'''Captain Hook''': Mm-hmm. The Boo Box.
:'''Gutless''': Not that! Not the Boo Box! 
:'''Captain Hook''': The Boo Box
:'''Gutless''': NOOOOOO! 
:'''Captain Hook''': Good. 
:''[Gutless is then locked into a chest filled with scorpions.]''

{{line}}
:'''Peter Pan''': I remember you being a lot bigger. 
:'''Captain Hook''': To a ten-year-old I'm huge.

{{line}}
:'''Thud Butt''': I remember Tootles. 
:'''Peter Pan''': How could you remember Tootles? 
:'''Thud Butt''': He was a lost boy. These are his marbles. ''[hands Peter a bag]'' These are his happy thoughts. 
:'''Peter Pan''': ''[laughs]'' He really did lose his marbles, didn't he? 
:'''Thud Butt''': ''[laughs with Peter]'' Yeah, he lost them good.
 
{{line}}
:'''Peter''': I want to speak to a grown-up!
:'''Rufio''': All grown-ups are pirates. 
:'''Peter''': Excuse me? 
:'''Rufio''': We kill pirates. 
:'''Peter Pan''': I'm not a pirate. It so happens, I'm a lawyer.
:'''Rufio''': Kill the lawyer! 
:'''Lost Boys''': Kill the lawyer! 
:'''Peter Pan''': I'm not that kind of lawyer!

{{line}}
:'''Peter''': No-no! Please stop! Why are you doing this to me?! ''[falls in the flower garden]''
:'''Tinker Bell''': Rufio, you're the best with a sword. Please teach him. We gotta make him remember.
:'''Peter''': ''[a daffodil sniffs at Peter's face. Other sunflowers are now sniffing at Peter. More daffodils sniff at his crotch.]'' Excuse me! ''[hits the daffodil, it sneezes.]''
:'''Peter and Lost Boys''': Help me!
:'''Peter and Lost Boys''': Not you! ''[Peter Pan with arrow shot by rear end]''

{{line}}
:'''Rufio''': You can't, eat your heart out you prinkled, wrinkled fat sag! ''[he throws a metal plate and he and Peter start an insult fight]''
:'''Peter''': You're a very ill-mannered young man, you know that?
:'''Rufio''': You're a slug eating worm!
:'''Tinkerbell''': Come on you can do better than that.
:'''Peter''': I can't believe you're encouraging this.
:'''Rufio''': Yes, yes, yes show me your fastball dust brain, you punchy sag bottomed Puke Pot!
:'''Lost Boys''': Bangerang, Rufio!!!
:'''Peter''': You are a very poor role model for these kids, do you know that?
:'''Lost Boys''': ''(make whistling sounds and splat sounds)''
:'''Peter''': I bet you don't even have a 4th Grade reading level.
:'''Rufio''': Hemorrhoidal suck navel!
:'''Peter''': Oh maybe a 5th Grade reading level.
:'''Lost Boys''': ''(making whistling and splat sounds again)''
:'''Rufio''': Boil-dripping beef fart-sniffing bubble butt!
:'''Lost Boys''': Bangerang, Rufio!!!
:'''Peter''': Someone has a severe ca-ca mouth, do you know that?
:'''Rufio''': You are a fart factory! Slug-slimed sack of rat guts in cat vomit, cheesy scab-picked pimple squeezing finger bandage! A week-old maggot burger with everything on it and flies on the side!
:'''Lost Boys''': ''(Grossed out)'' EWWWW!!!  
:'''Peter''': Substitute chemistry teacher!
:'''Lost Boy''': C'mon Rufio, hit him back!
:'''Rufio''': Mung tongue! 
:'''Peter''': Math tutor. 
:'''Rufio''': Pinhead! 
:'''Peter''': Prison barber. 
:'''Rufio''': Muddle lover! 
:'''Peter''': Nearsighted gynecologist. 
:'''Rufio''': In your face, camel cake! 
:'''Peter''': In your rear, cow derriere! 
:'''Rufio''': Lying, crying, spying, prying ultra-pig! 
:'''Peter''': You lewd, crude, rude, bag of pre-chewed food, dude! 
:'''Thudbutt''': Bangerang, Peter!!! ''[the rest of the Lost Boys cheer for Peter]''
:'''Rufio''': ''[losing confidence]'' You-- You man! You stupid, STUPID MAAAAN!!!
:'''Peter''': Hey, Rufio, if I'm a maggot burger, why don't you just ''EAT ME''?! You two-toned, zebra headed, slime-coated, pimple-farming, paramecium brain, munching-on-your-own-mucus, suffering from '''PETER PAN﻿ ENVY'''!!!
:'''Don't Ask''': What's a paramecium brain?
:'''Peter''': I'll tell you what a paramecium is! ''[points at Rufio]'' THAT'S a paramecium! It's a one-celled critter WITH NO BRAIN THAT CAN'T FLY! ''[to Rufio]'' Don't mess with me, man! '''I'M A LAWYER'''!!!
:'''Lost Boys''': Banning! Banning! Banning is a bangerang!
:'''Rufio''': Rufio! Rufio!
:'''Peter''': Oh, Rufio. Why don't you just go suck on a dead dog's nose?

{{line}}
:'''Captain Hook''': Now pay attention, class. We have a lot to go over. Lesson One: Why parents hate their children. Anyone?
:'''Maggie''': ''[whispering to Jack]'' Doesn't Mommy read to us every night?
:'''Captain Hook''': You! The cute little urchin in the front row. Won't you share your thoughts with the whole class?
:'''Maggie''': Yes! I said Mommy reads to us every night, because she ''loves'' us very much!
:'''Captain Hook''': ''Loves'' you? ''[to Smee]'' Isn't that the, uh, the, um...?
:'''Smee''': The 'L' word, Captain.
:'''Captain Hook''': ''[grimly chuckles]'' Ooh, yes! No, child! I think your mother reads to you every night in order to stupefy you to sleep, so that she and Daddy can sit down for three measly minutes without you and you mindless, inexhaustible, unstoppable, repetitive and nagging demands! &quot;He took my toy! She hit my bear! I want a potty! I want a cookie! I want to stay up! I want, I want, I want! Me, me, me, me! Mine, mine, mine, mine! Now, now, now!&quot; ''[inhales deeply]'' Can't you understand, child? They tell you stories to shut you up.
:'''Smee''': And conk you out.
:'''Maggie''': That's not true, Jack! ''[to Hook]'' You're a liar!
:'''Captain Hook''': Lie? Me? ''[laughs]'' Never. ''[inhales deeply again]'' The truth is far too much fun.

{{line}}
:'''Smee''': I've just had an apostrophe. 
:'''Captain Hook''': I think you mean an epiphany. 
:'''Smee''': Lightning... just struck my brain. 
:'''Captain Hook''': Well, that must hurt.

{{line}}
:'''Peter Banning''':  ''[climbing up a rope ladder]'' Someone give me a hand. 
:'''Captain Hook''': I already have.
:'''Pirate Crew''': Oooh.

{{line}}
:'''Captain Hook''': Peter Pan, prepare to meet thy doom. 
:'''Peter Pan''': Dark and sinister man, have at thee.

{{line}}
:'''Peter Pan''': ''[to the lost boys]'' Let's get ready to show them the white light we're made of, boys. 
:'''Captain Hook''': ''[to the pirates]'' Remember the fires of hell that forged you, charge!

{{line}}
:'''Captain Hook''': Peter. I swear to you wherever you go, wherever you are, I vow there will always be daggers buried in notes signed James Hook. They will be flung into doors of your children's children's children, do you hear me? 
:'''Peter Pan''': What do you want, old man? 
:'''Captain Hook''': Just you. 
:'''Peter Pan''': You've got me, James Hook. ''[flies back]'' Pan the Avenger has returned.
:'''Captain Hook''': And the Hook is waiting.

{{line}}
:'''Rufio''': ''[dying after being stabbed by Hook]'' Do you know what I wish? 
:'''Peter''': What? 
:'''Rufio''': I wish I had a dad... like you. ''[dies]''
:'''Jack''': ''[tearfully]'' Oh, Dad. I'm sorry.

{{line}}
:'''Captain James Hook''': Hear me, men. For reasons of good form, I have decided that this so-called Pan will return in three days to commence the arbitrament of the sword. Smee, translate. 
:'''Smee''': In three days, we're gonna have a war! A battle between good and evil to the death!

{{line}}
:'''Tootles''': I've forgotten how to fly. 
:'''Inspector Good''': Yes, well... one does.

{{line}}
:'''Peter Banning''': Uh... ''[whispers in Hook's ear]''
:'''Captain Hook''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Peter''': ''[whispers again]''
:'''Captain Hook''': You ''must'' be joking. ''[to other pirates; laughs]'' Peter Pan has a real problem with heights.

{{line}}
:'''Hook''': I want to die.
:'''Smee''': Oh, captain...
:'''Hook''': There's no adventure here.
:'''Smee''': (Motioning to Hook's flintlock pistol) You call THIS no adventure?
:'''Hook''': Death is the only great adventure I have left.

{{line}}
:'''Captain Hook''': Prepare to die Peter.
:'''Peter Pan''': To die will be a great adventure. 
:'''Captain Hook''': Death is the only adventure you have left.

{{line}}
:'''Wendy Darling''': Boy? Why are you crying?
:'''Peter Pan''': ''[getting up, from his position on the floor]'' What's your name?
:'''Wendy Darling''': Wendy Moira Angela Darling... what's yours? ''[sat up, in her bed, a thin, white, flower patterned, bed quilt, is held in front of her by her left arm, her head is titled to it's left, and she is smiling]''
:'''Peter Banning''': ''[the window, to Wendy's bedroom, opens, with a gust of wind, as the voiceover continues]'' I came back many times for Wendy. Always in the spring.
:'''Wendy''' ''[in her 20s, turning to see Peter, happily smiling, while closing her book]'' Peter!
:'''Peter''': ''[as the voiceover continues, Wendy has a white ribbon tied in the back of her hair, it cascades down her back; the implication? It's the 1930s - her ''wedding day'']'' And Wendy kept getting older ''[followed by another clip of Wendy in her 30s smiling at him, as she looks up and closes her book. Wendy is wearing a pair of small, white earrings, and a white shirt]'', and older ''[a clip of Wendy in her 50s, hair red in the 1960's. Young Peter places a hand on her shoulder]'' and then I came back... one last time.
:'''Wendy''': Peter, I can't come with you. I've forgotten how to fly. ''[looks up and closes the book she is reading; Peter starts in horror]'' I'm old Peter. Ever so much more than twenty. ''[removes her glasses]'' I grew up a long time ago.
:'''Peter''': ''[moving to the window]'' No, no, no! You promised!
:'''Wendy''': I have children of my own now, and they have children of their own. That's my grandchild, Moira, asleep in the bed. ''[on the word &quot;Moira&quot; she smiles, and she and Peter look over at the sleeping girl]''
:'''Peter Banning''': ''[voiceover]'' When I saw her lying there sleeping, that moment, something changed in me forever.
:'''Peter Pan''': I shall give her a kiss.
:'''Wendy''': No! No, Peter! No buttons! No thimbles! ''[gets out of the chair, and takes Peter by the arm]''  I couldn't bear Moira's heart to be broken, when she finds she can't keep you.
:'''Peter Pan''': ''[sits on the side of Moira's bed, and looks down towards her]'' No. I mean... a real kiss ''[leans in, and kisses Moira on the lips. Wendy anxiously looks on; Tink flies down to the window and looks in. Seeing Peter kisssing Moira, her light dims, her wings flatten behind her and she looks sad, as the thimble, which had been on Peter's finger, falls to the floor, spinning on the spot... forgotten. Peter Pan has grown up.]''

{{line}}
:'''Granny Wendy/ Wendy Moira Angela Darling''' ''[Wendy opens a book, pointing to a picture of her; it's a familiar picture, one we all recognise; it's her, aged twelve, looking out of her nursery window, watching Hook's ship, with Peter on board, float by]'' I'm Wendy... or I was, a long time ago.
:'''Maggie''': But Jack says you're not the really &quot;real&quot; Wendy.
:'''Granny Wendy/ Wendy Moira Angela Darling''': Ahh. Well, do you see where Jack is? That is the same window and this is the same room where we made up bedtime stories about Peter, Neverland, and scary old Captain Hook. But did you know that Mr. Barrie... well, Sir James, our neighbor, he loved our stories so much that he wrote them all down in a book... oh dear me... eighty years ago. 
:'''Maggie''': You're really old.
:'''Wendy''': That's very true.

{{line}}
:'''Peter''': ''(phone rings)'' I have to take this. ''(answers phone in front of surprised Moira)'' Brad? Ever wondered what it feels like in the air when you fly? Feel THIS! ''(throws phone out window)''
:'''Moira''': ''(happily)'' Where have you been? ''(hugs Peter)''

{{line}}
:''[last lines]''
:'''Wendy''': So, your adventures are over.
:'''Peter''': Oh, no. To live... to live will be an awfully big adventure.

== Taglines ==
* What if Peter Pan grew up?
* Peter Pan just got BIG!
* Lawyer, Father, Legend

== Cast ==
* [[Dustin Hoffman]] &amp;ndash; Captain James Hook 

* [[Robin Williams]] &amp;ndash; Peter Banning/Peter Pan
** Ryan Francis (teenage)
*** Max Hoffman (young)
**** Matthew Van Ginkel (baby)

* [[Julia Roberts]] &amp;ndash; Tinkerbell

* [[w:Bob Hoskins|Bob Hoskins]] &amp;ndash; Smee/Garbage Sweeper

* [[w:Maggie Smith|Maggie Smith]] &amp;ndash; Granny Wendy/Wendy Moira Angela Darling

* [[w:Caroline Goodall|Caroline Goodall]] &amp;ndash; Moira Banning 

* [[w:Charlie Korsmo|Charlie Korsmo]] &amp;ndash; Jack &quot;Jackie&quot; Banning

* [[w:Amber Scott|Amber Scott]] &amp;ndash; Maggie Darling 

* [[w:Dante Basco|Dante Basco]] &amp;ndash; Rufio

* [[w:Arthur Malet|Arthur Malet]] &amp;ndash; Tootles

* [[w:Raushan Hammond|Raushan Hammond]] &amp;ndash; Thud Butt

* [[w:Isaiah Robinson|Isaiah Robinson]] &amp;ndash; Pockets

* [[w:Laurel Cronin|Laurel Cronin]] &amp;ndash; Liza (housekeeper)

* [[w:Glenn Close|Glenn Close]] &amp;ndash; Male Pirate that doubted Hook (cameo)

* [[Phil Collins]] &amp;ndash; Police Detective (cameo)

* [[Carrie Fisher]] and [[George Lucas]] &amp;ndash; Couple kissing in distance when Tinkerbell takes Peter to Neverland

== External links ==
{{wikipedia|Hook (film)}}
* {{imdb title|id=0102057|title=Hook}}

[[Category:1991 films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Adventure films]]
[[Category:Fantasy films]]
[[Category:Steven Spielberg films]]
[[Category:Peter Pan films]]
[[Category:Films about abduction]]
[[Category:Films about dysfunctional families]]
[[Category:Films set on airplanes]]</text>
      <sha1>0sew6wq5tfy2n19kpho9icspjvk9v1s</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Girl Genius</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>45658</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153764</id>
      <parentid>2862367</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-12T00:40:01Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>95m95</username>
        <id>3047635</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Volume 3 */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="57079" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Girl Genius|Girl Genius]]''''' is a comic series created by [[w:Phil Foglio|Phil Foglio]] and [[w:Kaja Foglio|Kaja Foglio]].

== Volume 1 ==

:'''Prologue''': Now, this isn't a ''Heterodyne story'' like your mama tells you when she tucks you in at night...well, not exactly.  Oh, we all know they're out there somewhere, fighting the good fight, but right here and right now, the ''Heterodyne Boys'' are gone.  Their lands are overrun, their machines destroyed, their servants scattered, and nothing remains but their name.  At least, that's what everyone thinks...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr Merlot''': Gilgamesh Wulfenbach is the Baron's only heir.  I've heard rumors that the Baron is ''testing'' him, trying to determine if the Spark burns as brightly in him as it does in his sire.
:'''Dr Glassvitch''': And if it does not?
:'''Unit Commander Zudok''': Dis is ''Baron Wulfunbach'', sveethot!  He vill break him down for ''parts'' and try again!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach''': ''Another'' test, Father?  I am begining to find this ''tiresome''.
:'''Klaus Wulfenbach''': It is much like raising children then.  But I persevere for the moment.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Unit Commander Zudok''': ''(After Dr Beetle is blown up)'' Hey, I von't say he vas shtupid, but I hain't findin' a whole lotta ''brains'' around here!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr Merlot''': But...my work...I just wanted to do...something ''important''...
:'''Agatha''': He was ''trying'' to turn chalk into ''cheese''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agatha''':  ''AAAAH!''
:'''Unit Commander Zudok''': Vot's de matta, gurl?
:'''Agatha''': They sent you out to ''eat'' me!
:'''Unit Commander Zudok''': Hy em ''not'' gun eatchu.  
:''(Agatha continues screaming)''  
:'''Unit Commander Zudok''': Onless dats de only vay to shot hyu op!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sergeant''': Ah- go kees an ''hoctopoos''.  Oh vait, you mama already ''deed!'' Heh. (said to a four armed construct)

== Volume 2 ==

:'''Nickodeamus Yurkofsky''': There is a pecking order around here.  Some take it more seriously than others.
:'''Sleipnir''': It factors in family lineage, Sparkiness, and some other nonsense.
:'''Agatha Clay''': Meaning?
:'''Sleipnir''': Welcome to the bottom of the heap.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agatha Clay''': Again with this von Pinn.  Who ''is'' she?
:'''Sleipnir''': She's in charge of us kids.  She's a fearsome thing of the Baron's.  A ''construct''.
:'''Agatha Clay''': I've...heard of constructs raising children.  They did okay.
:'''Sleipnir''': She loves us, she raised us and cared for us, but...she's ''terrifying''.
:'''Z''': When she's angry...well- we all try not to ''make'' her angry.  That's all.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach''': Look, I'm ''really sorry'' about Dr Beetle.  His death was a ''complete'' waste, but-
:'''Agatha Clay''': But he threw a bomb at you.  Yes, you've said.
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach''': ''NO!'' I think he threw a bomb at ''you!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach''': Let's talk about von Zinzer.
:'''Agatha Clay''': ...Who?
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach''': Moloch von Zinzer?  The man you build clanks with?  In your ''underwear''?  Your boyfriend?  Your ''lover''?  Ring a bell?
:'''Agatha Clay''': I ''never!''  He's nnn-
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach''': ...&quot;Nnn&quot;?  As in, ''nnnot'' your boyfriend?
:'''Agatha''': No!  As in he's ''nnnice''.
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach''': &quot;Nice?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ardsley Wooster''': Miss Clay!  Where is Master Gilgamesh?
:'''Agatha Clay''': He's through there, Mr Wooster.  Just follow the wreckage.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Student 1''': No- that's ''not'' how they worked!
:'''Student 2''': Oh, like ''you'd'' know!
:'''Student 1''': I know enough to do basic research on biomechanics!
:'''Student 2''': The only thing around here that's ''basic'' is your grasp of the theories behind mechanical forces!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Othar Tryggvassen''': You can be my Spunky Girl Sidekick. I'm fresh out at the moment. Release me and we'll blow up the Baron's Dirigible of Doom, escape by the skin of our teeth and then it's cocoa and schnapps all round!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Agatha has stumbled upon Othar's prison, but is discovered by two Jägerkin guards'')
:'''Gorb''': Dot idiot secret door.  Dey gotta git rid of dot ting.  Vell, let's just keel her.
:'''Othar Tryggvassen''': ''Fiends''.  Kill her and I'll tell the ''baron''.
:'''Gorb''': Vell, mebbe ve keel you too, schmot guy.
:'''Minsk''': Gorb...
:'''Gorb''': ''Vat!?''
:'''Minsk''': ''Gorb''.  Dis iz turnink into vun of ''dose'' plans...hyu know, de kind vere ve keel everybody dot notices dot ve's keelin' people?
:'''Gorb''': It is?
:'''Minsk''': Uh huh.  And how do dose alvays end?
:'''Gorb''': De dirigible iz in flames, everyboddyz dead an' I've lost my hat.
:'''Minsk''': Dot's ''right''.  Und any plan vere you lose you hat iz?
:'''Gorb''': A bad plan?
:'''Misnk''': ''Right again''!
:'''Agatha Clay''': ''Look''.  How about ''you'' don't kill ''me'' and ''I'' won't mention that ''you'' let me get in.
:'''Gorb''': Vell...
:'''Minsk''': Hoy!  ''Excellent!''  Vot a ''schmot gurl!''
:'''Gorb''': You mean dis is vun of dose plans vere ve don't kill ''anybody!?''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Minsk''': To be &quot;personell&quot;, you gots to be ''person''. I iz ''Jägerkin'', vitch iz ''better''.  Und ''you'' is jumped-up lackey boy vit ''delusions'' of ''authority''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Minsk''': Oh, ''trouble''.  Phtht.  De lackya  iz veak.
:'''Agatha Clay''': Lackya?
:'''Minsk''': ''Yah''.  De Baron inherited dem ven ve smacked down de Gilded Duke last year.  Dey is zuper-engineered sqvirrels or sumting.  Dey gots to serve ''somebody''.  Zo de Baron has dem delivering messages und annoying pipple.  Keeps dem busy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''General Khrizhan''': Vun ting ve Jägerkin ''understend'' is dat krezy exidents ''happen'', right boyz?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andre''': Sigh...tvice I haff felt de touch uf her hand as it caressed my face...see de scar?  Vunce her elbow lingered as it vas buried in my kidney.  And vunce, ven her teeth seek my throat, I gaze into her eyes und-
:'''Agatha Clay''': You're ''crazy!''  She was trying to ''kill'' you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Young Agatha Clay''': But ''how'' can they protect me if they aren't here?  That's ''illogical''.
:'''Uncle Barry''': Um...It's science.
:'''Young Agatha Clay''': ''Ah.''  You mean you'll explain when I have a sufficiently advanced educational background.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(After discovering Agatha in a lab in her underwear)''
:'''Boris''': You ''are'' expected to get work done, Mr von Zinzer.  Perhaps ''another'' assistant...
:'''Moloch von Zinzer''': No no ''no''!  She's...it's just the science stuff, it, um...it really gets her excited...
:'''Boris''': ...Evidently.

== Volume 3 ==

:'''Agatha Clay''': Oh.  I'm dreaming again.  How disappointing.
:'''Krosp''': You work with mad scientists and you're surprised at a talking cat?  ''I'm'' the one who's disappointed.
:'''Agatha Clay''': Okay, I'm sorry.  You really talk.  You just startled me.
:'''Krosp''': Right.  Well, anyway, I'm going to ''help'' you.
:'''Agatha Clay''': Help me.  Right.  Do I need to get you some boots?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Othar Tryggvassen''': You'll excuse me if I don't share your ''enthusiasm'', you twisted fiend!
:'''Klaus Wulfenbach''': Quite all right.  I'm used to it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Klaus Wulfenbach''': Ah, that whole &quot;quality of life&quot; question.  I'm working ''very'' hard on that.  I'm getting ''much'' better.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lakya''': Young DuMedd refused to report for grease trap duty.  He had hidden himself in one of the labs.
:'''Theo DuMedd''': I wasn't ''hiding''.  I was ''working''.
:'''Klaus Wulfenbach''': Really?  On what?
:'''Theo DuMedd''': On an automatic grease-trap cleaner, Herr Baron.
:'''Klaus Wulfenbach''': Ah hmm.  How unsurprising.  But I must insist that such things be pursued in your free time.  Think of it as inspiration.
:'''Theo DuMedd''': I have a surfeit of inspiration, sir.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Othar Tryggvassen''': The boy is not stupid.  A web of lies can unravel with the lightest touch of truth!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bangladesh DuPree''': Klaus, are you ''torturing'' this man?
:'''Klaus Wulfenbach''': No.
:'''Othar Tryggvassen''': Yes!  ''Help!''
:'''Bangladesh DuPree''': Oooohh!  He asked ''me'' to ''help!''  A wise choice!  Nobody knows more about torture than ''me''.
:'''Klaus Wulfebach''': I believe he expected you to ''rescue'' him.
:'''Bangladesh DuPree''': What- is he stupid?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach''': Zoing, Miss Clay will be helping ''us'' now.
:'''Zoing''': Schmeka teee?
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach''': No, that's still ''your'' job.
:'''Zoing''': Whew.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Othar Tryggvassen''': ''Gilgamesh!''  So- ''all'' the vipers are in residence!
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach''': Get ''wound'', Othar.  I can't believe you ''still'' talk like that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach''': Miss Clay.  A good assistant is one who ''trusts'' her employer.  A ''live'' assistant is one who doesn't meddle.  Please go fetch the maintenance staff.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Doctor''': Ah- it is part of the ''power'' of the gifted.  Those around them wish to aid them.  To ''serve'' them.  Even when we ''know'' them to be monsters.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agatha Clay''': I...I want to ''make'' things.  I ''see'' them in my head.  But they ''never work''.  I get headaches.  I can't concentrate.  I feel so ''useless'' sometimes.  I don't know ''what'' I'm good for.
:'''Krosp''': ...You got me something to eat.
:'''Agatha Clay''': Oh, good.  I can serve the king of cats.
:'''Krosp''': I accept your fealty.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agatha Clay''': I built something that ''works!''
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach''': You'll have to get used to that- being a ''Spark'' and all.
:'''Agatha Clay''': I...built something that ''works''...a ''Spark''...
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach''': I certaintly hope so.  Because if you're not, then I'm ''never'' going to find out what ''this'' is all about.
:'''Agatha Clay''': Is...is that your fencing clank?
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach''': The fencing clank...part of the wrecked flying machine...bits of the furnace ''and'' the mechanical orchestra...my ''good'' lathe ''and'' a pneumatic nut cracker.
:'''Agatha clay''': I really like nuts.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agatha Clay''': What am I ''doing?'' The Baron's labs are probably even bigger than Gil's!  How can I find Othar quickly?
:'''Othar Tryggvassen''': ''AH-HA!''  The damsel answers the call of adventure!
:'''Agatha clay''': There's ''also'', of course, the question of ''why'' I'm doing this...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agatha Clay''': Are you okay?
:'''Othar Tryggvassen''' (hanging upside down): ''HA!''  Othar Tryggvasson ''laughs'' at such a question!
:'''Agatha Clay''': Probably because all the blood's in your head.
:'''Othar Tryggvassen''': That's certaintly part of it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Klaus Wulfenbach''': Excellent.  I'm pleased at the lack of rivalry.
:'''Jagerkin General''': Sir- dere iz a time to twit nancy-boy feetsmen und a time to crush bogs.
:'''Klaus Wulfenbach''': Well said.  Forgive me, General.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agatha Clay''': Fine.  So what you're telling me is that ''you'', Gilgamesh Wulfenbach, the person next-in-line to the despotic, iron-fisted rule of the Wulfenbach empire, have got ''no weapons'' powerful enough to destroy those things.  That's just ''great''.  What kind of evil overlord are you going to ''be'', anyway?
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach''': Apparently, a better one than I thought.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach''': I thought you didn't fence!
:'''Agatha Clay''': This isn't fencing! This is swinging wildly!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agatha Clay''': That's the worst proposal I've ever heard!
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach''': You get a lot of them?
:'''Agatha Clay''': You want to marry me to ''annoy'' your ''father''?  How romantic.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Klaus Wulfenbach''':I was away for a ''few years'' and I came back to a world in ''ruins''. Death, destruction, chaos, the endless fighting—it was like the Heterodyne Boys had never ''existed''. Things were worse than ever. So I stopped it. And I did it ''my'' way this time. No more ''negotiating''. No more ''promises''. No more ''second chances''. And I did it ''alone''. Because I had to. And it ''worked''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Theo DuMedd''': Wow.  I never had any family before.  I mean, that wasn't dead or missing.  Or a head in a ''jar'' or something.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Othar Tryggvassen''': What is the cause of ''everything'' wrong in the world today?  ''Madboys''.  The ''Spark''.  They create monsters.  Rip apart the cities with their ''constant fighting''.  They can't help it.  They're like ''mad dogs''.  And ''you'' are one of them.  You ''all'' have to die.
:'''Agatha Clay''': But ''you''- ''you'' have the Spark!
:'''Othar Tryggvassen''': ''Yes!''  But I alone also have the ''resolve'' to do what ''must'' be done!  I must ''hunt'' and ''destroy'' every Spark in ''existence''.  And then-then I can finally kill ''myself!'' And rid the world of this scrouge ''once and for all''.
:'''Agatha Clay''': Well, why didn't you ''say'' so?

== Volume 4 ==

:'''Krosp''': Like it or not, you'll cause trouble just by ''existing''.
:'''Agatha Clay''': All right then.  Let's go cause some trouble.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agatha Clay''': So you don't live around here.
:'''Balthazar Belloptrix''': Nope!  Just passing through like cheap beer!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Balthazar Belloptrix''': Yes! For here you will find the greatest dissemblance of heroes in ''all of Europe''.
:'''Trish Belloptrix''': That's 'assemblage', dear.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zeetha''': My people say that a good friend is a strong sword.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Madame Olga''': Zeetha was- is- from this Skifander.  It's some lost city in the jungle or something.  A few years ago, they were 'discovered' by some expedition.  The royal family decided to send one of its own out with them to see what the rest of the world was getting up to.  Zeetha was chosen.  On the way out, she got really sick.  Feverish.  She doesn't remember anything about the trip-except the hallucinations.  Just when she was getting back on her feet, their ship was attacked by pirates. They killed everyone else on board, but took Zeetha prisoner.  Found her hair exotic, I guess.  They planned on selling her, so they took reasonably good care of her, though she was still locked up.  By the time they got her back to their fortress, she was nice and healthy.  Well, she wiped out all the pirates on the ship and then all the ships in the fleet, and had just finished off their fortress when she realized she'd killed everyone whoe might've known ''where'' she'd been picked up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lucrezia Mongfish''': No, Klaus, it isn't a game.  I am ''determined'' to change.  I do love him.  It should be enough.  Besides, they ''always'' win.  There must be ''something'' to their philosophy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Master Payne''': Welcome, ladies and gentlemen-to a show like ''no other''.  It is true that we bring you the ''usual amusments''--sleight of hand, thrills, jokes both cheap and witty--but these can be had from any ragtag troupe of twopenny dreadful, and I can see that ''you'' are an audience that demands more!  ''And we shall provide it!''  For tonight, we bring you a story of the Heterodynes!  A story of brave heroes, dastardly villans, and monsters both human and non, all set against a background of blood and thunder, tragedy, subterfuge, revelations and true love, laughter and tears, science and magic!  For before you tonight is the glittering company known throughout the world as ''MASTER PAYNE'S CIRCUS OF ADVENTURE!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bangladesh DuPree''': Hey!  I'm working here!  Do I come to your lab and tell you how to torture rats?
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach''':  Frequently.
:'''Bangladesh DuPree''': So I know what I'm doing!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bangladesh DuPree''': Your problem is you're still thinking &quot;fiancée&quot;.  The word you want is &quot;prisoner&quot;.  She won't like it, but ''hey''--she ''obviously'' didn't like &quot;fiancée&quot; very much, either.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Klaus Wulfenbach''': DuPree.  When I say the words ''&quot;alive and unharmed&quot;'', do ''any'' neurons fire in that brain of yours?
:'''Bangladesh DuPree''': Um...no sir!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Klaus Wulfenbach''': Was my son upset?
:'''Bangladesh DuPree''': Oh, him?  ''Yeah!''  He's all set to be a hero and ''rescue'' her--and then he finds out he'd need fireplace tongs to get her undressed?  Yeah, upset is the word.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zeetha''': Know, Agatha Clay, that the warrior tradition of the royal house of Skifander is old, proud, and jealously guarded.  In this life I am allowed to train one other besides my own daughters.  I have chosen ''you''.  The bond between us will be ''stronger'' than that of friends...of family...of lovers.  As of now, we are &quot;kolee-dok-zumil.&quot;
:'''Agatha Clay''': What does that mean?
:'''Zeetha''': Ah...kind of hard to translate.  Sort of like &quot;teacher and student&quot;.  Sort of like &quot;cause and effect&quot;.  ''(Whacking Agatha with her staff)'' Mostly, like &quot;grindstone and knife&quot;.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agatha Clay''': What's your act?
:'''Embi''': Some music, some sleight-of-hand, some storytelling...mostly, I am short.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Embi''': When I was young and rash, I made a sacred vow to see the world before I died.  Frankly, I didn't know how ''big'' it was at the time.
:'''Agatha Clay''': ...But what has that got to do with your long life?
:'''Embi''': One of the problems with people here is that they do not take sacred vows ''at all'' seriously!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Master Payne''': Miss Clay--do ''you'' have any ideas for calming him down?
:'''Agatha Clay''': ''Me?'' Heavens, ''no''.
:'''Master Payne''': ''Excellent!'' Help me get him up, won't you?
:'''Lars''': Horse!  Pie!  Horse!  Pie!  Horse!  Pie!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agatha Clay''': Well, it's late.  I guess I'd better go-
:'''Lars''': ''NO!''  I want her to stay!  ''Her!''
:'''Master Payne''': Miss Clay?  Why?
:'''Lars''': Because she's got a great big monster-killing gun, and I want it and her ''right here!''
:'''Krosp''': Can't argue with ''that'' logic.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Abner''': This time, do ''not'' ask if there are any vampires in the audience!
:'''Dame Aedith''': How was I supposed to know that guy was ''joking?''  Who'd joke about ''vampires''?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Master Payne''': ''(Gesturing to the Jägerkin who have been hanged)'' Performing next to corpses is disrespectful--and unhygenic!
:'''Lars''': Ah.  Well, if ''that's'' the only problem...
:'''Dimo''': Sorry for de trouble!
:'''Master Payne''': They're still ''alive?''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zeetha''': Skifander's patron goddess is ''Ashtara.''  She who, among other things, controls ''fertility.''  Our holy days are fun!  Cha cha cha!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agatha Clay''': ''(Getting into character as Lucrezia Mongfish for a play)'' Yes!  Yes!  &quot;I think too much, therefore I am mad!&quot;  ''Grr!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agatha Clay''': I am ''not'' your assistant.  You tried to ''kill'' me.
:'''Othar Tryggvassen''': ''See?'' That's why partners shouldn't keep secrets from one another!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Head Guard''': The...the town is...''closed''...until ''dawn.''
:'''Jenka''': But the gate iz ''not'' closed.  I merely seek- ''(she catches an arrow that was shot at her.)'' I forgive. ''(She snaps the arrow)'' Once.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agatha Clay''': ''(About the Jägerkin hanging in the square)'' You caught them by playing ''Hangman?''
:'''Othar Tryggvassen''': Jägers love to play games, but they're fuzzy on the rules.

== Volume 5 ==
:'''Krosp''': ''(After an explosion)'' Agatha!  Are you all right?
:'''Agatha Clay''': Heehee.  Death ray go ''boom!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agatha Clay''': Oh.  Lars gets hysterical after a fight.  It's hard to calm him down.
:'''Ognian''': ''(Hitting Lars over the head)'' No it ain't!
:'''Agatha Clay''': Oh dear.  I'm ''sure'' that's wrong.  Although I can't think ''why''...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dimo''': Vun of hyu people help us out, zo ve think ve should help hyu beck.
:'''Ognian''': ''Yah!'' And ve did it vitout killing ''anybody'' hyu ''know!''  Pretty goot, hey?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(After deciding that they wanted to join the circus)''
:'''Maxim''': Hy tink ''hy'' iz de leading man type.  ''Yah.''
:'''Ognian''': Vots ''dot'' mean?
:'''Maxim''': Dot means hyu gets to ''kees'' de ''gurl.''
:'''Ognian''': ''Hoo!'' Hy vant to be a leading man, too!
:'''Maxim''':  Eediot.  Hyu ''can't''.
:'''Ognian''': Vy ''not?''
:'''Maxim''': Dere's only ''vun'' leading man!
:'''Ognian''': Who ''sez?''
:'''Maxim''': Iz ''obvious!''  If hyu gots two, dey lead in ''different directions!''
:'''Ognian''': So vy ''hyu?''
:'''Maxim''': Hy tink ov it ''first!''
:'''Ognian''': Anyvay, dere vas ''two'' Heterodyne boyz!
:'''Maxim''': Say...hyu is right.
:'''Ognian''': Yah!  Dot vay we ''both'' gets a gurl!
:'''Maxim''': I dunno.  Zum ov de gurls dey keesed vos pretty ''scary''.
:'''Ognian''': Anyvay, ve'd be keesing ''actresses''.  Und ''hyu know'' vot dey say about ''actresses!''
:'''Maxim''': Vell, um, ''no''.
:'''Ognian''': Yah, me neither.  But hy bet ve ''find out'' if-
:'''Dimo''': ''Qviet'', hyu ''eediots!''  If dey find out how ''irresistable'' ve iz to de ''vimmen'', dey ''neffer'' let us join!
:'''Master Payne''' and '''Abner''': ''CLOWNS!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lars''': Wait--did I ''pass out?''  I've never done ''that'' before.
:'''Ognian''': Oh, ''dot.'' You gots smekked by a piece ov de bridge.  Yah.  Dot vos it.  See?  ''(Holds up a brick with writing on it that says &quot;I hitt Mr Larz...syned, A Brik)''
:'''Lars''': ''Ow!'' Okay, okay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lars''': So...you think you can make an honest woman out of that ''naughty'' actress?  Am I going to have to ''(gasp)'' move out?
:'''Abner''': Yeah...maybe.
:'''Lars''': ''Maybe?''
:'''Abner''': Well, it's a big step.
:'''Lars''': It sure ''is''.
:'''Abner''': But, you know, it feels ''right''.
:'''Lars''': I'll ''bet'' it does.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Abner''': Originally, she was run by a dwarf named Kurtz.  He was killed three years ago by some bad clams.
:'''Krosp''': Bad clams?
:'''Abner''':  Yes...they had ''axes''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Marie''': Ergo, you're up to something.  You've ''got'' a reason, but you didn't tell ''me''.  The only time you don't tell me is when you think it's dangerous.  Because, being a fragile, sheltered noblewoman, I might faint at the thought of experiencing physical harm like a ''common person.''  And then I have to damage one of the good pans, by smacking it against your thick common skull until you tell me...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dimo''': Und for a nize doll like ''hyu'', ve help wit all kinds of tings!
:'''Marie''': ''Oh!'' Remove your arm!
:'''Dimo''': Vot?  Ho yaz, gots to be ''subtle'' in front uf de haitch-oh-zee-bee... bee... um... er... Hyu know, ''him''.  ''(Gestures to Master Payne)''
:'''Master Payne''': Ah...so ''this'' is how it ends.  I was hoping for more dignity.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Marie''': What's that?
:'''Dimo''': Ho!  I knows ''dot'' vun!  My family vos musical!  Dot's ''music!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Master Payne''': No…you ''can't'' have Punch deliver Giovanni Mirandola’s ''Oration On The Dignity Of Man''.  What were you ''thinking?''
:'''Balthazar's father''': Um…irony?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pix''': I was worried that this one might be too...''sophisticated'', but Agatha did just fine!
:'''Abner''': Yes, well.  I only had her rehearse ''her'' lines.  There was no ''context''.
:'''Agatha Clay''': ''(off to the side, talking to Lars)'' -and when I asked him if that was a ''wrench'' in his pocket-

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agatha Clay''': People keep giving me ''rings'', but I think a small ''death ray'' might be more practical.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Anevka Sturmvoraus''':  ''Please'', brother…save the flirtation for dessert.  It will go well with the cheese.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Anevka Sturmvoraus''': He’s ''very'' clever…for a boy who kept buttoning his shoes together.
:'''Tarvek Sturmvoraus''': I was four!
:'''Anveka Sturmvoraus''': Four and a ''half''.
:'''Tarvek Sturmvoraus''': Ignore her.  As you can ''see,'' she still needs ''work''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Messenger''': Well, you've had a lucky escape, sir.  Not telling ''what'' she's capable of, if the ''Baron's'' after her, ''eh?''  Still, it's an ill wind that blows no one any good, eh?  The prince has sent you a reward!  ''Mighty generous'' says I, but &quot;No bless obli cheese,&quot; says he.
:'''Master Payne''': ...Does he?
:'''Messenger''': All the time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ognian''': Hah, ve valk in, ve valk out!  Vill be piece of piroshki!  ''(They come to the lightning moat)''  I chust gun shot op now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dimo''': Vot do dey say about ''Miz Agatha''?
:'''Zeetha''': Nothing.  I can tell you much about the royal family... the guards... the servants... the ''horses''... But about the young actress visiting the prince--not a word.  Not a ''whisper''.  It's as if she were never there at all.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach''': I always hoped I'd find...not just someone to marry, but a ''real partner''.  I've ''read'' about female Sparks all my life, but even in Paris--''Paris'', for pity's sake--just finding ''any'' girl that I could ''really'' talk to, about things I was working on--''ideas''--''Well.''  But Miss Clay...she had the Spark.  And...she ''liked'' me.  She ''did''.  And I...liked ''her''.
:'''Ardsley Wooster''': She ''ran away'', leaving you with a ''slight concussion''.
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach''': I know it wasn't ''perfect'', but we could have-
:'''Zoing''': Heep!  ''HEEP!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach''': Wooster.  This is ''very important''.  Do you ''fear'' me?
:'''Ardsley Wooster''': Sir?
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach''': No, ''really''.  Be honest.
:'''Ardsley Wooster''': Ah...a ''little'', I suppose.
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach''': ...Okay, I can work with that.

== Volume 6 ==

:'''Bangladesh DuPree''': Hey, Boris!  Where's the Baron hiding?  Tell his exalted crankiness that we're almost ready to ''go''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lucrezia Mongfish''': Oh dear.  I ''do'' so mistrust it when &quot;impossible&quot; is one's initial reaction to an idea.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ognian''': Hey dere, Dimo, iz hyu all right?
:'''Dimo''': Fine.  Em ''fine''.
:'''Ognian''': Hyu iz not ''rhinohiding'', iz hyu?
:'''Dimo''': Shut op!  Iz a ''scratch!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Moxana gives Tarvek a card)''
:'''Tarvek Sturmvoraus''': Huh.  The ''Whirlwind''.  &quot;Great power at great risk.&quot;  Or possibly, &quot;beware of things underground,&quot; or, &quot;expect an unexpected friend,&quot; or even, &quot;learn a new piece of music.&quot;  Thank you, O Muse of Mystery.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lars''': So how did you two get to be experts on secret passages?
:'''Sturvin''': We've worked here for twenty-seven years, man.
:'''Lars''': And they just ''told'' you about them?
:'''Kalikoff''': Naw, but when you're being chased and you need a place to hide, you learn what to look for.
:'''Lars''': Chased?  By ''what?''
:'''Kalikoff''': Duh...giant spiders, sewer serpents, ''ghouls''.  It's a ''sewer''.  With tunnels to the ''catacombs'' too.  What do you expect?
:'''Lars''': Um...''most'' sewers don't have ''any'' of that stuff.
:'''Sturvin''':  ''What?''
:'''Kalikoff''': ''Really?''  No albino squid?
:'''Lars''': No!
:'''Kalikoff''': Hey--''rats!''  How about them giant glowing rats?
:'''Lars''': No.  Little rats.  60 centimeters, ''tops''.
:'''Sturvin''': That's ''it?'' Wow.
:'''Kalikoff''': ''None'' of that, huh?
:'''Sturvin''': That's a ''messed-up'' ecosystem, man.
:'''Kalikoff''': So in these other sewers...what do the ''big'' monsters eat?
:'''Lars''': What am I ''doing'' here?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sturvin''': ''(Reading a sign off of the wall)'' &quot;By royal appointment, another fine oubliette from the ancient and honorable guild of Murderous Device Fabricators.  To view our full line of goods, visit our Mechanicsburg showroom--in your ''next life''.&quot;  Great.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lars''': You cut his ''arm'' off!
:'''Ognian''': Um...dis ''vos'' de right von, yah?
:'''Lars''': It's ''melting!''
:'''Ognian''': Yop.  Dot vas it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lars''': We ''can't'' go down again.  The lift is noisy, and those things will be ''waiting''.
:'''Maxim''': Ve ken ''climb'' down.
:'''Lars''': But Dimo...
:'''Macim''': Aw, he ''bounce'' pretty goot!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zeetha''': You're looking for a Heterodyne, ''aren't'' you?  ''I'' think you've found one.
:'''Dimo''': Vill hyu expose her?
:'''Zeetha''': Of course not.  She is ''zumil''.  My student.  I ''protect'' her.  So tell those elephants sneaking up behind me to ''relax''.
:'''Ognian''': Vot?  Hey!  Dese is prime goot sneekin-op moves!
:'''Maxim''': Ognian, I vould ''drop'' it...
:'''Krosp''': Hey...does anyone else hear ''singing?''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Local Boy''': Oubliette... ''(Begins singing)'' Oubladaa-- Life goes on, yeah!  La la, how the life goes on!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tarvek Sturmvoraus''': Dear lady, I would appriciate it if you would have your servants refrain from trying to ignite parts of my house.
:'''Lucrezia Mongfish''': Of ''course!''  I merely thought, if you had no ''other'' plans, well... a fire can be so ''jolly'' on a cold night!
:'''Tarvek Sturmvoraus''': Yeees... in a running, screaming, trying to save life and property sort of way...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Anevka Sturmvoraus''': ''Really'', Tarvek.  Father ''always said'' that if Providence hands you a powerless scapegoat, it is a ''sin'' not to use him.  ''Right?''
:'''Tarvek Sturmvoraus''': Father was ''not'' was I'd call an exemplary role model.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tarvek Sturmvoraus''': After Father put Anevka through that damn machine, it was clear she was dying.  Of course, only ''then'' was he ''sorry''.  Originally, this body was indeed a puppet run by my sister... but also something ''more'' than that.  As she weakened, you did more and more on your own.  In the end, you never even noticed when she ''died''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lars''': Aah!  Glorious fresh air!
:'''Krosp''': ''Better'' than fresh air!
:'''Lars''': Better?
:'''Krosp''': Someone is frying bacon!
:'''Lars''' and '''Krosp''': Mmm!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ognian''': ''ZO!''  I gots any great-great-great-grand-cheeldren?
:'''Local Boy''': No.
:'''Ognian''': Hmf.  Married?
:'''Local Boy''': No.
:'''Ognian''': Gots a gurl?
:'''Local Boy''': No.
:'''Ognian''': ''Vants'' a gurl?
:'''Local Boy''': ''Yes.''
:'''Ognian''': Still looking for dot &quot;perfect story&quot;?  ''Get a job!''
:'''Local Boy''': Stil looking for a ''Heterodyne?''  Get a life!
:'''Ognian''': Dot's important!
:'''Local Boy''': ''Shyeah.''  I'll get married when you find a Heterodyne.
:'''Ognian''': Ho, ''really?''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Master Payne''': Sir, this is a ''respectable'' show.  The girls here are ''not'' for sale.
:'''Gambling Soldier''': Astonishing, but ''true''.  Me 'n the lads've ''tried!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Abner''': Sweet lightning!
:'''Master Payne''': ''Unbelievable!''
:'''Ardsley Wooster''': So much for subtlety.
:'''Marie''': ''What'' is she ''wearing''?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lars''': She's a ''Heterodyne?!''
:'''Dimo''': Ho yez.
:'''Maxim''': Sure.
:'''Ognian''': Din' ve mention dot?
:'''Zeetha''': I'm afraid so.
:'''Krosp''': Glad you could join us, Lars.
:'''Sturvin''': I didn't know.
:'''Kalikoff''': Heh.  You can look up her dress.
:'''Lars''': You ''knew'' this?
:'''Dimo''': Ho yes.
:'''Maxim''': Sure.
:'''Ognian''': Back in Zum Zum!
:'''Zeetha''': I just figured it out.
:'''Krosp''': The grownups knew.
:'''Sturvin''': ''I'' didn't know!
:'''Kalikoff''': It's really out of focus...
:'''Lars''': We...we have to help her!
:'''Dimo''': Ho yez.
:'''Maxim''': Sure.
:'''Ognian''': Vot a goot boy!
:'''Zeetha''': Now that's ''love!''
:'''Krosp''': Well, I guess she's got brains enough for two.
:'''Sturvin''': Isn't that what we were ''already doing?''
:'''Kalikoff''': ...but if you squint one eye...
:'''Lars''': Anything ''else'' I should know?
:'''Dimo''': I iz double-jointed!
:'''Maxim''': I haff neffer luffed.
:'''Ognian''': I iz going to be a great-great-''great''-grandpappa.
:'''Zeetha''': She likes ''you'', too.
:'''Krosp''': I'm hungry.
:'''Sturvin''': We should get off the roof.
:'''Kalikoff''': ...it gets even ''more'' out of focus.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(After Agatha has beaten Vrin)''
:'''Tarvek Sturmvoraus''': Give her one more for me.
:'''Agatha Clay''': I should give you a whack of your ''own''.
:'''Tarvek Sturmvoraus''': Please don't.  Bleeding heavily, here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Scorp''': They say you can judge a person by his ''enemies''.  So you two are looking pretty good right now.  But I'm sure you could change my mind by doing something ''stupid''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Klaus Wulfenbach''': Aren't ''you'' worried that I might actually ''be'' the Other?
:'''Bangladesh DuPree''': Nah.
:'''Klaus Wulfenbach''': Really?  Why not?
:'''Bangladesh DuPree''': Klaus--you're ''always'' telling me, &quot;Oh, DuPree, don't torture people,&quot; or, &quot;don't burn any towns,&quot; or ''whatever'', and if you were the Other, I'd be a Revenant and I'd ''have'' to obey you, even if a town ''really'' needed burning, y'know?  But I can still act on my own better judgment, so I know everything's okay!
:'''Klaus Wulfenbach''': And here I was foolishly hoping for an argument that would ''reassure'' the troops.
:'''Bangladesh DuPree''': Yeah!  It's all about ''free will!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lucrezia Mongfish''': But you should be ''happy'', Klaus.  I'll give you what you want.  A Wulfenbach/Heterodyne alliance!  As civil and sweet as pie!  It'll just be controlled by ''me!''  But I'll play the ''good little girl'' in public.  I'll even wear my little sigil so everyone will know who I am.  I'm so ''glad'' you brought it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maxim''': YAAG! ''(He's shot)''
:'''Ognian''': Maxim!  Dun't hyu ''embarrass'' me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bagladesh Dupree''': Okay! You're all surrounded! ''Surrender and die!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Chef''': So, how d'ye feel?
:'''Agatha Clay''': ''(After being hit in the face by the Chef's &quot;Calming Pie&quot;)'' Um...pretty calm, actually.
:'''The Chef''': ''Yes!'' Extra butter!  Less nutmeg!  I'm a genius!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Marie''': A ''wonderfully'' hallucinogenic gas.  It makes the subject very suggestible.  We simply spread it around and shouted, &quot;The Heterodynes are here!&quot;  It was ''easy''.
:'''Yeti''': They see what we tell them to see.
:'''Marie''': I'm rather proud of it.
:'''Kalikoff''': Wow!  She's changed back into that gauzy, see-through dress!  I ''love'' that thing!
:'''Marie''': They also see all kinds of ''other'' things.  There's a reason we don't use it unless we have to.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agatha Clay''': Um...this really ''is'' a Wulfenbach ship?
:'''Marie''': Oh, yes.  It was remarkably easy to steal.  But then, who would be fool enough to try?
:'''Ognian''': ''Hey!'' Iz  like hyu vife iz callink hyu a ''fool'' wit-out ''ektually''-
:'''Master Payne''': You ''cannot possibly'' be as stupid as you act.
:'''Ognian''': ...ken if I ''vants'' to be!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maxim''': Giff me a hand here!  I gots sometink you'll vant!
:'''Abner''': Lars?!
:'''Maxim''': Ho!  Vell, now, dot's an interestin' metzaphysical qvestion.  See, it's hiz ''body'', but he ain't ''usin' '' it, so...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maxim''': Ven you bury him, make sure he gots a ''hat''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ognian''': Hey, Dimo!  Hyu make it up dot ladder ''real fast'' wit only vun hend!
:'''Dimo''': Ha!  Dot's 'cause I use my ''brains!''
:'''Ognian''' and '''Maxim''': ''EEEW!  MESSY!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agatha Clay''': ''(Grabbing Krosp)'' I can talk to monsters!
:'''Krosp''': Whoa!  Yeah, but will they talk ''back?!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dimo''': Hyu let de Baron deal vit dis vun. Is vot he ''does.''
:'''Agatha''': But I ''squished him'' with a ''chicken house!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agatha Clay''': ''(On the verge of fainting)''  Uh...
:'''Dimo''': I gots hyu!  ''(Dimo forgets about his severed arm, and Agatha crashes to the floor)''
:'''Maxim''': Should haff used hyu brains ''dot'' time, too.
:'''Dimo''': Shot op.  ''(Referring to his arm)'' I gets a new vun, soon.
:'''Maxim''': A new brain?  Goot idea.

== Volume 7 ==

:'''Officer''': I was ''there!'' I ''saw'' it!  It was bad.  The city had gone crazy--monsters and Revenants ''everywhere!''  My unit was ''pinned down''--and then an angel appeared!  A beautiful lady a hundred meters tall!  She spoke, and the enemy...it's like they ''panicked!''  And then she called the Heterodynes down from heaven...and they came!  They were ''giants!'' With enormous ''wings!'' They fought along side us!  They were ''everywhere!''  And they brought a girl, the ''new Heterodyne!''  She's still out there!  And she's headed for Mechanicsburg ''right now'' to take back the castle!  It's ''unbelievable!''
:'''Phil Foglio''': ''(Staring)'' Oh--I'll grant you that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peddler''': ''(Displaying his wares)'' Eggs!  Mostly chicken!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jenka''': &quot;No Jager iz to enter Mechanicsburg 'til a Heterodyne iz vunce again in residence.&quot;  Dot vas de ''deal''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Sun''': Young Gilgamesh.  I was expecting you ''last night''.
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach''': Yes sir.  I was stabilizing a medical experiment.  Leaving it to fail would have been...''unforgivable''.  Actually, you might be interested in some of the details-
:'''Dr. Sun''': At the moment, I am interested in keeping your father alive.  A subject I can only assume is of ''some small interest'' to yourself, as well.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agatha Clay''': I am Agatha Heterodyne.  Bill and Lucrezia were my parents.
:'''Carson von Mekkhan''': Interesting.  ''Where are they?''
:'''Agatha Clay''': I don't know.  I was raised by...well...you'd know them as ''Punch and Judy''.
:'''Carson von Mekkhan''': ''That's'' different.  Did Punch ever mention a ''Master Heliotrope''?
:'''Agatha Clay''': No, because he couldn't talk.
:'''Carson von Mekkhan''': Oh, my.  Not many people ''know'' that.
:'''Agatha Clay''': They probably ''also'' don't know that he hiccups after he encounters electricity.  I ''know'' you're testing me.  I ''can'' keep this up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agatha Clay''': I've never ''had'' coffee.  Lilith said a young lady shouldn't drink ''stimulants''.
:'''Zeetha''': Drink your coffee like a warrior.
:'''Agatha Clay''': ...Yes, Zeetha.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Krosp''': This coffee you gave her.  Strong stuff?
:'''Vanamonde''': It's my ''personal blend''.
:'''Krosp''': ''Ah''.  I think you're about to find out that Lilith was a smart lady.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Agatha has been given coffee for the first time)''
:'''Vanamonde''': um--Miss, are you--
:'''Agatha Clay''': THISSTUFFISKINDOFINTERESTINGBUTIDON'TSEEWHATTHEBIGDEALIS.
:'''Vanamonde''': Well, my usual coffee engine is broken, so-
:'''Agatha Clay''': BROKEN?
:'''Vanamonde''': We're using the backup machine, and-
:'''Agatha Clay''': ''AHA!'' ''YES''I''SEE''.ASIMPLEDOUBLEBOILERWITHARATHERCLEVER''CONDENSER''ANDA''PERCOLATIONSYSTEM''AND''STEAMERHA!'' ''(To the waitress) ''DOYOUHAVEANY''INFORMATION''ABOUTTHECOFFEE''EXTRACTION''PROCESS?
:'''Waitress''': Uh...we have a book by the cashier, you-- ''(Agatha zips away)'' could--
:'''Agatha Clay''': THANKYOU! WHYTHISISA''SIMPLE''EXCERCISEIN''CHEMISTRY!''
:'''Waitress''': --borrow--
:'''Agatha Clay''': WHEREISSOMERAWCOFFEE?  NEVERMINDISHALL''FIND''IT!
:'''Waitress''': --it?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carson von Mekkhan''': ''(Watching Agatha work)'' She's...she's Heterodyning...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Captain Vole''': Dere iz now, in der town, a ''second'' gurl claiming to be a Heterodyne.
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach''': A second...is ''she'' attempting to enter the castle?
:'''Captain Vole''': No, sir.  She iz in a ''coffee shop''.
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach''': ...A coffee shop?  What is she doing in a coffee shop?
:'''Captain Vole''':  She iz making ''coffee'', sir.
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach''': Making coffee...
:'''Captain Vole''': Dere haff been ''three explosions'' so far, sir.
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach''': ''Agatha!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vanamonde''': ''(Tasting coffee from Agatha's machine)'' It's...perfect.  The taste is a perfect blend of all the tastes and essences that make coffee what it ''is''.  A perfect blend--and yet I can discern every one...''perfectly''.  Even the way the liquid adheres to the inside of the cup, indicative of the way it flows along the taste buds, is aesthetically ''perfect''.  It reveals the mathematical perfection of the ''cup itself!''  The delicate smoothness of the china, with its own inherent temperature, which mitigates the otherwise extreme heat of the coffee itself...IT IS A THING OF TACTILE AND FUNCTIONAL BEAUTY!  PERFECT!  ''AND THIS!  THIS PERFECT SAUCER!''
:'''Carson von Mekkhan''': ...Lady?
:'''Agatha Clay''': Er...I can ''fix'' that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Heterodyne Imposter:''' Now, listen.  This is probably the best-mapped area, but you still must follow ''my'' lead.  Avoid any floorstone marked in ''white''.  It is a trap that will kill you.  Do not stand under any part of the ceiling marked in ''white''.  It is a trap that will kill you.  ''Duck'' under any opening taller than ''one meter''.  It is a trap that will kill you.  Do not touch ''any'' metal surface.  It is a trap that will kill you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Heterodyne Imposter:''' I ''will'' rule as the new Heterodyne.  I don't ''need'' the permission of a ''broken machine''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(In the Heterodyne family crypt)''
:'''Carson von Mekkhan:''' One way or another, the Heterodynes always come home in the end.
:'''Agatha Clay:''' And yet it's ''impossible'' that ''I'' could be one?  Everything tells me I ''am''.
:'''Carson von Mekkhan:''' Oh, I can see ''why''.  Punch and Judy, your effect on the town, not to mention ''Vole''.  Still, whatever you are, you're ''not'' the heir everyone ''expects''.
:'''Agatha Clay:''' Oh?
:'''Carson von Mekkhan:''' Nope.  Because you're ''standing'' on him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agatha Clay:''' ''(reading Carson von Mekkhan's business card)'' Doom bell ringer?!
:'''Ardsley Wooster:''' That bell only rings when the Heterodynes are in residence.
:'''Carson von Mekkhan:''' Oh, I'm not saying business hasn't been ''slow''...but the ''pay'' isn't bad...''(looks at Agatha)'' and there're signs that things could be picking up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ardsley Wooster:''' I'm done talking to you!
:'''Carson von Mekkhan:''' I appreciate the effort, but the day's already a loss.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carson von Mekkhan:''' I'm going to have you talk to the castle.
:'''Agatha Clay:''' And that hurts?
:'''Carson von Mekkhan:''' From down here?  ''Yes''.
:'''Agatha Clay:''' Then--
:'''Carson von Mekkhan:''' No one else can do this.
:'''Agatha Clay:''' Why couldn't ''Wooster'' do it?
:'''Ardsley Wooster:''' ''Me?!''
:'''Agatha Clay:''' I mean, for example.
:'''Ardsley Wooster:''' ''For example?''
:'''Agatha Clay:''' Sh.  I'm ''curious''.
:'''Carson von Mekkhan:''' Because ''I'm'' the Seneschal.  ''I'm'' the one with the special holes pre-drilled into his skull.
:'''Agatha Clay:''' Oh, ''I'' can do ''that''!
:'''Ardsley Wooster:''' What ''IS'' it with you?!
:'''Carson von Mekkhan:''' She's a Heterodyne, son.  And this is ''Mechanicsburg''.  It does something to 'em.  You'll get used to it, if you ''live''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Heterodyne Castle:''' ''(speaking through von Mekkhan)'' It has been 437215353 seconds since this system was last activated...why, it's still old ''Carson!''  He swore he'd ''never'' be back!  He must be ''very certain indeed''.  ''(to Wooster)'' So you think you're a Heterodyne, ''eh boy?''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Captain Vole:''' De pipple of Mechanicsburg vould ''not'' ekcept dot as proof dot she iz a Heterodyne.
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach:''' No, neither would my father.
:'''Captain Vole:''' ...Not unless she danced nekkid through de ruins vile trying to shoot down de moon...turned all the tourists into monsters...and den built a very dangerous fountain out of ''sausages''.
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach:''' Well... yes, that goes without saying.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach:''' Oh!  &quot;Clowns&quot; is the ''perfect'' word!  Foolish creatures who cause a distraction, while the ''real'' players prepare!
:'''Captain Vole:''' Votever hyu say, Meester &quot;I'm so schmot I don't gotta make sense.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jenka:''' ''(after being surprised by war stompers)'' Hyu gots de ''goot'' ears!?
:'''Maxim:''' Sure--hum someting, I tell hyu vot animal it iz!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ardsley Wooster:''' Battle clanks!  ''Huge'' ones!
:'''Agatha Clay:''' ''Ooooooh!  Magnificent!''
:'''Krosp''': Um, they ''are'' here to ''attack'' us.
:'''Agatha Clay:''' And I can't ''wait'' to see them in action!
:'''Carson von Mekkhan:''' Well, ''that's'' encouraging.
:'''Krosp:''' ''What?''
:'''Carson von Mekkhan:''' Her grandfather used to open the gates for things like this--so he could get a better ''look''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach:''' All I want is you ''commander''.
:'''4th Commander:''' You hit him with ''lightning''.
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach:''' Ah.  Second in command?
:'''4th Commander:''' Him, too.
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach:''' ...Third?
:'''4th Commander:''' He was in the second machine.
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach:''' ''(sighing)'' Fourth?
:'''4th Commander:''' ''(pulling out a dagger)'' That would be ''me'', madboy!
:''(He is struck in the head by a pocket knife)''
:'''Dimo:''' Hoy!  So who ''else'' vants to be ''promoted?''
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach:'''  I...I could have handled that.
:'''Jenka:''' Ov ''cozz''.  Now, lean on me all sobtle-like before hyu ''falls down''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach:''' Wait--you're...you're not Wulfenbach jagers.
:'''Jenka:''' Nope.  Ve iz de ''goot lookin'' vuns!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ognina:''' ''Lots'' of pipple hev tried to take de town!
:'''Maxim:''' Dot's vy dey keep dis big open plain here.  De gun crews know de co-ordinates for every centimeter!
:'''Ognian:''' Hah!  Remember dot &quot;X de Destroyer&quot; guy?  Who thot dot big &quot;X&quot; on de ground vos vere he should set up hiz ''tent?!''  Hee!
:'''Maxim''' and '''Ognian:''' '''''SPLAT!'''''
:'''Maxim:''' Goot times!
:'''Ognian:''' Yah.  But dey hadta get a new &quot;X&quot; made!
:'''Maxim:''' Haw!  ''Both'' sides said ''dot!''

== Volume 8 ==

:'''Agatha Clay:''' ''(thinking)'' Right.  So the castle's a huge mechanical death trap.  But, theoretically, it's ''my'' huge mechanical death trap, so it ''probably'' won't kill me...at least, not until I've ''repaired'' it...unless I run afoul of one of the damaged bits...or it doesn't ''recognize'' me as part of the Heterodyne family...or it decides it would be ''funny'' to kill me ''anyway''...and then there's all the convicts on repair duty ''with'' me...''and'' an ''imposter'' who'll probably kill me on sight.  ''(sighs)'' Great.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(After being telling Agatha that she was on kitchen duty in the castle)''
:'''Wilhelm:''' So...what did you ''do'' to wind up ''here'', anyway?
:'''Agatha Clay:''' ''(as Pix)'' Poisoned thirty-seven people...who ''complained'' about my ''cooking''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wilhelm:''' I been in here too long.  There's no ''easy'' way out.  Just ''in''.  But...I ''did'' see someone get out, ''once''...  She was ''smart''.  Collected her points, and walked out free.  She ''did'' it.  Just like ''I'm'' gonna.  Long as this place don't get ''mad'' at me, first.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach:''' I am ''sick to death'' of this!  What do I have to ''do?!'' I just took down an entire army of war clanks, and ''still'' I get treated like a ''halfwit child!''  Now.  Listen ''very carefully''.  The Heterodyne girl is ''not'' to be harmed.  I ''won't allow it''.
:'''Captain Vole:''' '''''RHAAARGH!''''' Hyu jabbering ''veakling!''  I keel hyu!  Hyu poppa ken put hyu bek togedder ven I bring hyu beck in ''pieces!''
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach:''' ''(beating up Vole)''  ''Always'' I try to be reasonable.  To be ''fair''.  I try to ''talk'' to people.  And no one ''ever'' takes it as anything other than ''weakness''.  You listen to me try to be ''civilized'' and you think, &quot;Oh, ''he's nothing.''  Him we can ''ignore''.  Him we can ''push around''.  We can do whatever we want--''HE'' won't stop us!&quot;  Because nobody ''takes me seriously'' unless I shout and threaten like a cut-rate ''stage villian''.  Well, you know what?  I can ''do'' crazy.  I ''really can''.  And it looks like I'm going to ''have'' to.  Agatha is in danger.  This ''whole town'' is in danger.  If I'm going to be able to help her ''at all'', I'll have to give up all this &quot;being reasonable&quot; garbage and show you ''idiots'' what kind of madboy you're ''really dealing with''.
:''(pauses, calms down)''
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach:'''  ...Oh.  Oh, no.  This must be how my father feels--''all the time!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach:''' My father once wrote a monograph on how to communicate in the workplace.
:'''Dimo:''' ...Iz dat so?
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach:''' All seven popes ordered it ''burned''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dimo:''' Vell - guess ''hyu'' iz feelin ''better''.
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach:''' ''(whispering)'' Is he gone?
:'''Dimo:''' Vot?
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach:''' ''(whispering)'' Vole. Is he gone?
:'''Dimo:''' Vell, ''yah''. He run off already.
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach:''' ''(whispering) Good. (collapses)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(discussing Gilgamesh's fondness for Agatha)''
:'''Maxim:''' Hy vill teach him how to impress de ''gorls!''
:'''Ognian:''' Hy vill teach him about de birds und de veasles!
:'''Dimo:''' Und hy vill teach him how to ''avoid those two''.
:'''Jenka:''' Ah.  Den he may haff a ''chence''.

== Revenge of the Weasel Queen Part I ==

:'''Narrator:''' It is a world ruled by ''mad science!''  Philosophers have told us that, in an infinite universe, anything is possible.  Thus, somewhere out there is a reality where you--the listener--are actually a crazed mad scientist (or, to be more polite, a &quot;''spark!''&quot;)  You rule with an iron hand from your lonely mountain top castle, sending armies of undead monsters, giant insects, or even hideous extradimensional intelligences against helpless villagers, and battling with your fellow scientists!  Wanting nothing more than to dance upon their bones while the rest of the world acknowledges your genius and cedes you ''mastery'' over ''all'' who ''kneel before you!'' If this sounds like your idea of a good time, you'll fit perfectly into the world of...&quot;''Girl Genius!''&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator:''' In our last episode, Agatha Heterodyne (our hero), and her companions: Krosp, the emperor of all cats, Zeetha, the lost princess of the lost city of Skifander, and Othar Tryggvassen, managed to thward the nefarious plans of Podnasty, the villanous vegetable--
:'''Krosp:''' Yeah, that one was tough.
:'''Narrator:''' --and are now taking a well-deserved break--
:'''Agatha Clay:''' Took us, what, three minutes?
:'''Narrator:''' --in a quiet woodland glade--
:'''Zeetha:''' At least you got a salad out of it.
:'''Narrator:''' --from which no one has ever emerged alive!
:'''Othar Tryggvassen:''' And a ''tasty''--er, wait--''(looking up at the Narrator's speech bubble)''--What was that?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Krosp:''' ''Yikes!'' That's the ''biggest rabbit'' I've ''ever seen!''
:'''Agatha Clay:''' Ah.  That's because you haven't seen the two other ones right behind you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agatha Clay:''' ''(being attacked by a giant rabbit)'' Ah, good.  I'd wanted a chance to test my pocket de-arming device.
:'''Giant Rabbit:''' Ha!  Foolish human!  I need no ''weapons''!
:'''Agatha Clay:''' ...I didn't say anything about weapons.
:'''Giant Rabbit:''' ''AAGH!''  My arms!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ferretina:''' It's been about six weeks.  The first few who disappeared, people thought it was just the usual: zombie warriors, giant insects, hideous extra-dimensional intelligences from Herr Klopman's well...
:'''Krosp:''' That's the ''usual'' around here?
:'''Ferretina:''' The rents are very cheap.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agatha Clay:''' ''(winning an argument with Krosp)'' Q.E.''Duh''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jorf Oxclonker:''' That was no friend of mine...nor of ''any human!''  You describe the evil Ferretina, the Weasel Queen!  Couldn't you ''tell?''
:'''Agatha Clay:''' Ah.  Well...we meet a ''lot'' of strangely dressed people.
:'''Krosp:''' At least ''she'' was ''color coordinated''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zeetha:''' What does this Ferretina ''do'' with the men she demands?
:'''Jorf Oxclonker:''' Well, she ''does'' demand well-formed, lusty young men over six feet tall and under the age of twenty five.
:''(Zeetha and Agatha looked stunned for a moment, then Zeetha smiles.)''
:'''Zeetha:''' I seeeeee...
:'''Agatha Clay:''' You ''do?''
:'''Jorf Oxclonker:''' Yes.  She says those taste best when grilled with cheese.
:'''Zeetha:''' Okay, I didn't see ''that''.
:'''Agatha Clay:''' What ''did'' you see?
:'''Zeetha:''' Never you mind.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agatha Clay:''' We've got to save Othar!
:'''Krosp:''' ... We do?!
:'''Agatha Clay:''' Of course we do! He has no ''idea'' he's walking into a Trap! If we don't save him he might be '''killed'''!
:'''Krosp:''' Is this one of those situations involving &quot;ethics?&quot; 'Cause, I'm a ''cat'', you know.  I've never been very ''good'' at those.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agatha Clay:''' Let me put it this way...help me save Othar or I'll hit you with a STICK!
:''(pause)''
:'''Krosp:''' How ''big'' a stick?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': Will Agatha be able to find a big enough stick?  Will Othar find out that he's in danger in time?  Will he figure it out ''at all?''  And what kind of cheese goes best with grilled ''ham?''  To find out, tune in again for the further adventures of Agatha Heterodyne, '''''Girl Genius!'''''

== Revenge of the Weasel Queen Part II ==

:'''Narrator:''' It is a world ruled by ''mad science!'' Things ''happen''.  Usually they happen to ''other'' people.  ''This'' is entertainment.  Occasionally, however, they happen to ''you''.  Sometimes, you get eaten by monsters, or subjugated by intelligent oysters, or forced to wear steam-powered iron shoes that never stop ''dancing''.  But sometimes--very rarely, but ''sometimes''--they're ''your'' monsters.  And as you sit in your castle, watching the oysters dance, you realize it's a pretty jolly little world after all.  ''That's'' when the front door gets blown in and you belatedly realize that, once again, ''you'' are doomed to be the entertainment in another exciting installment of...'''''Agatha Heterodyne, Girl Genius!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator:''' Quandary.  Noun.  From the Latin &quot;quando&quot;.  A state of difficulty or perplexity.  A ''predicament''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agatha Clay:''' We are ''not'' rescuing Othar.  We are going to ''stop'' Ferretina from terrorizing the village, and if, by pure, blind ''chance'', we find Othar and he needs to be ''rescued'', I will ''seriously consider'' it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zeetha:''' Good grief!  How did you construct something so ''complicated''?
:'''Agatha Clay:''' ''Please''.  I ''always'' carry a swiss army knife and a coil of wire.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mechanical Taxidermist and Tailor:''' ''(critiquing Agatha's outfit)'' bzzt.  I see Goodwill was having a fire sale.  What are we trying to say, here?  &quot;I wish to disguise myself as a ''sofa cushion?''&quot;  &quot;I wish to save the world but I cannot navigate my ''closet''?&quot;  '''''NON!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Othar Tryggvassen:''' Say, I never thought a throne of bones and skulls would be so comfortable!
:'''Ferretina:''' It's ergonomic.  Would you care for a drink?
:'''Other Tryggvassen:''' Um...it's ''bubbling''.
:'''Ferretina:''' That's how you know it's ''fresh''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator:''' Will Ferretina have the pleasure of ''destroying Othar''--or will she have to ''get in line''?  Will Agatha's fashion clank find solace in ''death''?  Will ''Krosp'' be more useful with a ''clock in his tummy''?  All of these questions will be cheerfully answered in the next episode of...'''''Agatha Heterodyne, Girl Genius!'''''

== External links ==

{{wikipedia}}
* [http://www.girlgeniusonline.com ''Girl Genius'' Online Comics]

[[Category:Comic strips]]</text>
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'''''[[w:Girl Genius|Girl Genius]]''''' is a comic series created by [[w:Phil Foglio|Phil Foglio]] and [[w:Kaja Foglio|Kaja Foglio]].

== Volume 1 ==

:'''Prologue''': Now, this isn't a ''Heterodyne story'' like your mama tells you when she tucks you in at night...well, not exactly.  Oh, we all know they're out there somewhere, fighting the good fight, but right here and right now, the ''Heterodyne Boys'' are gone.  Their lands are overrun, their machines destroyed, their servants scattered, and nothing remains but their name.  At least, that's what everyone thinks...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr Merlot''': Gilgamesh Wulfenbach is the Baron's only heir.  I've heard rumors that the Baron is ''testing'' him, trying to determine if the Spark burns as brightly in him as it does in his sire.
:'''Dr Glassvitch''': And if it does not?
:'''Unit Commander Zudok''': Dis is ''Baron Wulfunbach'', sveethot!  He vill break him down for ''parts'' and try again!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach''': ''Another'' test, Father?  I am begining to find this ''tiresome''.
:'''Klaus Wulfenbach''': It is much like raising children then.  But I persevere for the moment.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Unit Commander Zudok''': ''(After Dr Beetle is blown up)'' Hey, I von't say he vas shtupid, but I hain't findin' a whole lotta ''brains'' around here!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr Merlot''': But...my work...I just wanted to do...something ''important''...
:'''Agatha''': He was ''trying'' to turn chalk into ''cheese''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agatha''':  ''AAAAH!''
:'''Unit Commander Zudok''': Vot's de matta, gurl?
:'''Agatha''': They sent you out to ''eat'' me!
:'''Unit Commander Zudok''': Hy em ''not'' gun eatchu.  
:''(Agatha continues screaming)''  
:'''Unit Commander Zudok''': Onless dats de only vay to shot hyu op!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sergeant''': Ah- go kees an ''hoctopoos''.  Oh vait, you mama already ''deed!'' Heh. (said to a four armed construct)

== Volume 2 ==

:'''Nickodeamus Yurkofsky''': There is a pecking order around here.  Some take it more seriously than others.
:'''Sleipnir''': It factors in family lineage, Sparkiness, and some other nonsense.
:'''Agatha Clay''': Meaning?
:'''Sleipnir''': Welcome to the bottom of the heap.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agatha Clay''': Again with this von Pinn.  Who ''is'' she?
:'''Sleipnir''': She's in charge of us kids.  She's a fearsome thing of the Baron's.  A ''construct''.
:'''Agatha Clay''': I've...heard of constructs raising children.  They did okay.
:'''Sleipnir''': She loves us, she raised us and cared for us, but...she's ''terrifying''.
:'''Z''': When she's angry...well- we all try not to ''make'' her angry.  That's all.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach''': Look, I'm ''really sorry'' about Dr Beetle.  His death was a ''complete'' waste, but-
:'''Agatha Clay''': But he threw a bomb at you.  Yes, you've said.
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach''': ''NO!'' I think he threw a bomb at ''you!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach''': Let's talk about von Zinzer.
:'''Agatha Clay''': ...Who?
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach''': Moloch von Zinzer?  The man you build clanks with?  In your ''underwear''?  Your boyfriend?  Your ''lover''?  Ring a bell?
:'''Agatha Clay''': I ''never!''  He's nnn-
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach''': ...&quot;Nnn&quot;?  As in, ''nnnot'' your boyfriend?
:'''Agatha''': No!  As in he's ''nnnice''.
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach''': &quot;Nice?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ardsley Wooster''': Miss Clay!  Where is Master Gilgamesh?
:'''Agatha Clay''': He's through there, Mr Wooster.  Just follow the wreckage.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Student 1''': No- that's ''not'' how they worked!
:'''Student 2''': Oh, like ''you'd'' know!
:'''Student 1''': I know enough to do basic research on biomechanics!
:'''Student 2''': The only thing around here that's ''basic'' is your grasp of the theories behind mechanical forces!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Othar Tryggvassen''': You can be my Spunky Girl Sidekick. I'm fresh out at the moment. Release me and we'll blow up the Baron's Dirigible of Doom, escape by the skin of our teeth and then it's cocoa and schnapps all round!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Agatha has stumbled upon Othar's prison, but is discovered by two Jägerkin guards'')
:'''Gorb''': Dot idiot secret door.  Dey gotta git rid of dot ting.  Vell, let's just keel her.
:'''Othar Tryggvassen''': ''Fiends''.  Kill her and I'll tell the ''baron''.
:'''Gorb''': Vell, mebbe ve keel you too, schmot guy.
:'''Minsk''': Gorb...
:'''Gorb''': ''Vat!?''
:'''Minsk''': ''Gorb''.  Dis iz turnink into vun of ''dose'' plans...hyu know, de kind vere ve keel everybody dot notices dot ve's keelin' people?
:'''Gorb''': It is?
:'''Minsk''': Uh huh.  And how do dose alvays end?
:'''Gorb''': De dirigible iz in flames, everyboddyz dead an' I've lost my hat.
:'''Minsk''': Dot's ''right''.  Und any plan vere you lose you hat iz?
:'''Gorb''': A bad plan?
:'''Misnk''': ''Right again''!
:'''Agatha Clay''': ''Look''.  How about ''you'' don't kill ''me'' and ''I'' won't mention that ''you'' let me get in.
:'''Gorb''': Vell...
:'''Minsk''': Hoy!  ''Excellent!''  Vot a ''schmot gurl!''
:'''Gorb''': You mean dis is vun of dose plans vere ve don't kill ''anybody!?''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Minsk''': To be &quot;personell&quot;, you gots to be ''person''. I iz ''Jägerkin'', vitch iz ''better''.  Und ''you'' is jumped-up lackey boy vit ''delusions'' of ''authority''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Minsk''': Oh, ''trouble''.  Phtht.  De lackya  iz veak.
:'''Agatha Clay''': Lackya?
:'''Minsk''': ''Yah''.  De Baron inherited dem ven ve smacked down de Gilded Duke last year.  Dey is zuper-engineered sqvirrels or sumting.  Dey gots to serve ''somebody''.  Zo de Baron has dem delivering messages und annoying pipple.  Keeps dem busy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''General Khrizhan''': Vun ting ve Jägerkin ''understend'' is dat krezy exidents ''happen'', right boyz?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andre''': Sigh...tvice I haff felt de touch uf her hand as it caressed my face...see de scar?  Vunce her elbow lingered as it vas buried in my kidney.  And vunce, ven her teeth seek my throat, I gaze into her eyes und-
:'''Agatha Clay''': You're ''crazy!''  She was trying to ''kill'' you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Young Agatha Clay''': But ''how'' can they protect me if they aren't here?  That's ''illogical''.
:'''Uncle Barry''': Um...It's science.
:'''Young Agatha Clay''': ''Ah.''  You mean you'll explain when I have a sufficiently advanced educational background.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(After discovering Agatha in a lab in her underwear)''
:'''Boris''': You ''are'' expected to get work done, Mr von Zinzer.  Perhaps ''another'' assistant...
:'''Moloch von Zinzer''': No no ''no''!  She's...it's just the science stuff, it, um...it really gets her excited...
:'''Boris''': ...Evidently.

== Volume 3 ==

:'''Agatha Clay''': Oh.  I'm dreaming again.  How disappointing.
:'''Krosp''': You work with mad scientists and you're surprised at a talking cat?  ''I'm'' the one who's disappointed.
:'''Agatha Clay''': Okay, I'm sorry.  You really talk.  You just startled me.
:'''Krosp''': Right.  Well, anyway, I'm going to ''help'' you.
:'''Agatha Clay''': Help me.  Right.  Do I need to get you some boots?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Othar Tryggvassen''': You'll excuse me if I don't share your ''enthusiasm'', you twisted fiend!
:'''Klaus Wulfenbach''': Quite all right.  I'm used to it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Klaus Wulfenbach''': Ah, that whole &quot;quality of life&quot; question.  I'm working ''very'' hard on that.  I'm getting ''much'' better.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lakya''': Young DuMedd refused to report for grease trap duty.  He had hidden himself in one of the labs.
:'''Theo DuMedd''': I wasn't ''hiding''.  I was ''working''.
:'''Klaus Wulfenbach''': Really?  On what?
:'''Theo DuMedd''': On an automatic grease-trap cleaner, Herr Baron.
:'''Klaus Wulfenbach''': Ah hmm.  How unsurprising.  But I must insist that such things be pursued in your free time.  Think of it as inspiration.
:'''Theo DuMedd''': I have a surfeit of inspiration, sir.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Othar Tryggvassen''': The boy is not stupid.  A web of lies can unravel with the lightest touch of truth!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bangladesh DuPree''': Klaus, are you ''torturing'' this man?
:'''Klaus Wulfenbach''': No.
:'''Othar Tryggvassen''': Yes!  ''Help!''
:'''Bangladesh DuPree''': Oooohh!  He asked ''me'' to ''help!''  A wise choice!  Nobody knows more about torture than ''me''.
:'''Klaus Wulfebach''': I believe he expected you to ''rescue'' him.
:'''Bangladesh DuPree''': What- is he stupid?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach''': Zoing, Miss Clay will be helping ''us'' now.
:'''Zoing''': Schmeka teee?
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach''': No, that's still ''your'' job.
:'''Zoing''': Whew.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Othar Tryggvassen''': ''Gilgamesh!''  So- ''all'' the vipers are in residence!
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach''': Get ''wound'', Othar.  I can't believe you ''still'' talk like that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach''': Miss Clay.  A good assistant is one who ''trusts'' her employer.  A ''live'' assistant is one who doesn't meddle.  Please go fetch the maintenance staff.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Doctor''': Ah- it is part of the ''power'' of the gifted.  Those around them wish to aid them.  To ''serve'' them.  Even when we ''know'' them to be monsters.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agatha Clay''': I...I want to ''make'' things.  I ''see'' them in my head.  But they ''never work''.  I get headaches.  I can't concentrate.  I feel so ''useless'' sometimes.  I don't know ''what'' I'm good for.
:'''Krosp''': ...You got me something to eat.
:'''Agatha Clay''': Oh, good.  I can serve the king of cats.
:'''Krosp''': I accept your fealty.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agatha Clay''': I built something that ''works!''
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach''': You'll have to get used to that- being a ''Spark'' and all.
:'''Agatha Clay''': I...built something that ''works''...a ''Spark''...
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach''': I certaintly hope so.  Because if you're not, then I'm ''never'' going to find out what ''this'' is all about.
:'''Agatha Clay''': Is...is that your fencing clank?
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach''': The fencing clank...part of the wrecked flying machine...bits of the furnace ''and'' the mechanical orchestra...my ''good'' lathe ''and'' a pneumatic nut cracker.
:'''Agatha clay''': I really like nuts.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agatha Clay''': What am I ''doing?'' The Baron's labs are probably even bigger than Gil's!  How can I find Othar quickly?
:'''Othar Tryggvassen''': ''AH-HA!''  The damsel answers the call of adventure!
:'''Agatha clay''': There's ''also'', of course, the question of ''why'' I'm doing this...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agatha Clay''': Are you okay?
:'''Othar Tryggvassen''' (hanging upside down): ''HA!''  Othar Tryggvasson ''laughs'' at such a question!
:'''Agatha Clay''': Probably because all the blood's in your head.
:'''Othar Tryggvassen''': That's certaintly part of it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Klaus Wulfenbach''': Excellent.  I'm pleased at the lack of rivalry.
:'''Jagerkin General''': Sir- dere iz a time to twit nancy-boy feetsmen und a time to crush bogs.
:'''Klaus Wulfenbach''': Well said.  Forgive me, General.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agatha Clay''': Fine.  So what you're telling me is that ''you'', Gilgamesh Wulfenbach, the person next-in-line to the despotic, iron-fisted rule of the Wulfenbach empire, have got ''no weapons'' powerful enough to destroy those things.  That's just ''great''.  What kind of evil overlord are you going to ''be'', anyway?
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach''': Apparently, a better one than I thought.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach''': I thought you didn't fence!
:'''Agatha Clay''': This isn't fencing! This is swinging wildly!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agatha Clay''': That's the worst proposal I've ever heard!
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach''': You get a lot of them?
:'''Agatha Clay''': You want to marry me to ''annoy'' your ''father''?  How romantic.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Klaus Wulfenbach''': I was away for a ''few years'' and I came back to a world in ''ruins''. Death, destruction, chaos, the endless fighting—it was like the Heterodyne Boys had never ''existed''. Things were worse than ever. So I stopped it. And I did it ''my'' way this time. No more ''negotiating''. No more ''promises''. No more ''second chances''. And I did it ''alone''. Because I had to. And it ''worked''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Theo DuMedd''': Wow.  I never had any family before.  I mean, that wasn't dead or missing.  Or a head in a ''jar'' or something.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Othar Tryggvassen''': What is the cause of ''everything'' wrong in the world today?  ''Madboys''.  The ''Spark''.  They create monsters.  Rip apart the cities with their ''constant fighting''.  They can't help it.  They're like ''mad dogs''.  And ''you'' are one of them.  You ''all'' have to die.
:'''Agatha Clay''': But ''you''- ''you'' have the Spark!
:'''Othar Tryggvassen''': ''Yes!''  But I alone also have the ''resolve'' to do what ''must'' be done!  I must ''hunt'' and ''destroy'' every Spark in ''existence''.  And then-then I can finally kill ''myself!'' And rid the world of this scrouge ''once and for all''.
:'''Agatha Clay''': Well, why didn't you ''say'' so?

== Volume 4 ==

:'''Krosp''': Like it or not, you'll cause trouble just by ''existing''.
:'''Agatha Clay''': All right then.  Let's go cause some trouble.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agatha Clay''': So you don't live around here.
:'''Balthazar Belloptrix''': Nope!  Just passing through like cheap beer!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Balthazar Belloptrix''': Yes! For here you will find the greatest dissemblance of heroes in ''all of Europe''.
:'''Trish Belloptrix''': That's 'assemblage', dear.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zeetha''': My people say that a good friend is a strong sword.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Madame Olga''': Zeetha was- is- from this Skifander.  It's some lost city in the jungle or something.  A few years ago, they were 'discovered' by some expedition.  The royal family decided to send one of its own out with them to see what the rest of the world was getting up to.  Zeetha was chosen.  On the way out, she got really sick.  Feverish.  She doesn't remember anything about the trip-except the hallucinations.  Just when she was getting back on her feet, their ship was attacked by pirates. They killed everyone else on board, but took Zeetha prisoner.  Found her hair exotic, I guess.  They planned on selling her, so they took reasonably good care of her, though she was still locked up.  By the time they got her back to their fortress, she was nice and healthy.  Well, she wiped out all the pirates on the ship and then all the ships in the fleet, and had just finished off their fortress when she realized she'd killed everyone whoe might've known ''where'' she'd been picked up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lucrezia Mongfish''': No, Klaus, it isn't a game.  I am ''determined'' to change.  I do love him.  It should be enough.  Besides, they ''always'' win.  There must be ''something'' to their philosophy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Master Payne''': Welcome, ladies and gentlemen-to a show like ''no other''.  It is true that we bring you the ''usual amusments''--sleight of hand, thrills, jokes both cheap and witty--but these can be had from any ragtag troupe of twopenny dreadful, and I can see that ''you'' are an audience that demands more!  ''And we shall provide it!''  For tonight, we bring you a story of the Heterodynes!  A story of brave heroes, dastardly villans, and monsters both human and non, all set against a background of blood and thunder, tragedy, subterfuge, revelations and true love, laughter and tears, science and magic!  For before you tonight is the glittering company known throughout the world as ''MASTER PAYNE'S CIRCUS OF ADVENTURE!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bangladesh DuPree''': Hey!  I'm working here!  Do I come to your lab and tell you how to torture rats?
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach''':  Frequently.
:'''Bangladesh DuPree''': So I know what I'm doing!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bangladesh DuPree''': Your problem is you're still thinking &quot;fiancée&quot;.  The word you want is &quot;prisoner&quot;.  She won't like it, but ''hey''--she ''obviously'' didn't like &quot;fiancée&quot; very much, either.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Klaus Wulfenbach''': DuPree.  When I say the words ''&quot;alive and unharmed&quot;'', do ''any'' neurons fire in that brain of yours?
:'''Bangladesh DuPree''': Um...no sir!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Klaus Wulfenbach''': Was my son upset?
:'''Bangladesh DuPree''': Oh, him?  ''Yeah!''  He's all set to be a hero and ''rescue'' her--and then he finds out he'd need fireplace tongs to get her undressed?  Yeah, upset is the word.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zeetha''': Know, Agatha Clay, that the warrior tradition of the royal house of Skifander is old, proud, and jealously guarded.  In this life I am allowed to train one other besides my own daughters.  I have chosen ''you''.  The bond between us will be ''stronger'' than that of friends...of family...of lovers.  As of now, we are &quot;kolee-dok-zumil.&quot;
:'''Agatha Clay''': What does that mean?
:'''Zeetha''': Ah...kind of hard to translate.  Sort of like &quot;teacher and student&quot;.  Sort of like &quot;cause and effect&quot;.  ''(Whacking Agatha with her staff)'' Mostly, like &quot;grindstone and knife&quot;.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agatha Clay''': What's your act?
:'''Embi''': Some music, some sleight-of-hand, some storytelling...mostly, I am short.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Embi''': When I was young and rash, I made a sacred vow to see the world before I died.  Frankly, I didn't know how ''big'' it was at the time.
:'''Agatha Clay''': ...But what has that got to do with your long life?
:'''Embi''': One of the problems with people here is that they do not take sacred vows ''at all'' seriously!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Master Payne''': Miss Clay--do ''you'' have any ideas for calming him down?
:'''Agatha Clay''': ''Me?'' Heavens, ''no''.
:'''Master Payne''': ''Excellent!'' Help me get him up, won't you?
:'''Lars''': Horse!  Pie!  Horse!  Pie!  Horse!  Pie!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agatha Clay''': Well, it's late.  I guess I'd better go-
:'''Lars''': ''NO!''  I want her to stay!  ''Her!''
:'''Master Payne''': Miss Clay?  Why?
:'''Lars''': Because she's got a great big monster-killing gun, and I want it and her ''right here!''
:'''Krosp''': Can't argue with ''that'' logic.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Abner''': This time, do ''not'' ask if there are any vampires in the audience!
:'''Dame Aedith''': How was I supposed to know that guy was ''joking?''  Who'd joke about ''vampires''?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Master Payne''': ''(Gesturing to the Jägerkin who have been hanged)'' Performing next to corpses is disrespectful--and unhygenic!
:'''Lars''': Ah.  Well, if ''that's'' the only problem...
:'''Dimo''': Sorry for de trouble!
:'''Master Payne''': They're still ''alive?''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zeetha''': Skifander's patron goddess is ''Ashtara.''  She who, among other things, controls ''fertility.''  Our holy days are fun!  Cha cha cha!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agatha Clay''': ''(Getting into character as Lucrezia Mongfish for a play)'' Yes!  Yes!  &quot;I think too much, therefore I am mad!&quot;  ''Grr!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agatha Clay''': I am ''not'' your assistant.  You tried to ''kill'' me.
:'''Othar Tryggvassen''': ''See?'' That's why partners shouldn't keep secrets from one another!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Head Guard''': The...the town is...''closed''...until ''dawn.''
:'''Jenka''': But the gate iz ''not'' closed.  I merely seek- ''(she catches an arrow that was shot at her.)'' I forgive. ''(She snaps the arrow)'' Once.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agatha Clay''': ''(About the Jägerkin hanging in the square)'' You caught them by playing ''Hangman?''
:'''Othar Tryggvassen''': Jägers love to play games, but they're fuzzy on the rules.

== Volume 5 ==
:'''Krosp''': ''(After an explosion)'' Agatha!  Are you all right?
:'''Agatha Clay''': Heehee.  Death ray go ''boom!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agatha Clay''': Oh.  Lars gets hysterical after a fight.  It's hard to calm him down.
:'''Ognian''': ''(Hitting Lars over the head)'' No it ain't!
:'''Agatha Clay''': Oh dear.  I'm ''sure'' that's wrong.  Although I can't think ''why''...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dimo''': Vun of hyu people help us out, zo ve think ve should help hyu beck.
:'''Ognian''': ''Yah!'' And ve did it vitout killing ''anybody'' hyu ''know!''  Pretty goot, hey?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(After deciding that they wanted to join the circus)''
:'''Maxim''': Hy tink ''hy'' iz de leading man type.  ''Yah.''
:'''Ognian''': Vots ''dot'' mean?
:'''Maxim''': Dot means hyu gets to ''kees'' de ''gurl.''
:'''Ognian''': ''Hoo!'' Hy vant to be a leading man, too!
:'''Maxim''':  Eediot.  Hyu ''can't''.
:'''Ognian''': Vy ''not?''
:'''Maxim''': Dere's only ''vun'' leading man!
:'''Ognian''': Who ''sez?''
:'''Maxim''': Iz ''obvious!''  If hyu gots two, dey lead in ''different directions!''
:'''Ognian''': So vy ''hyu?''
:'''Maxim''': Hy tink ov it ''first!''
:'''Ognian''': Anyvay, dere vas ''two'' Heterodyne boyz!
:'''Maxim''': Say...hyu is right.
:'''Ognian''': Yah!  Dot vay we ''both'' gets a gurl!
:'''Maxim''': I dunno.  Zum ov de gurls dey keesed vos pretty ''scary''.
:'''Ognian''': Anyvay, ve'd be keesing ''actresses''.  Und ''hyu know'' vot dey say about ''actresses!''
:'''Maxim''': Vell, um, ''no''.
:'''Ognian''': Yah, me neither.  But hy bet ve ''find out'' if-
:'''Dimo''': ''Qviet'', hyu ''eediots!''  If dey find out how ''irresistable'' ve iz to de ''vimmen'', dey ''neffer'' let us join!
:'''Master Payne''' and '''Abner''': ''CLOWNS!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lars''': Wait--did I ''pass out?''  I've never done ''that'' before.
:'''Ognian''': Oh, ''dot.'' You gots smekked by a piece ov de bridge.  Yah.  Dot vos it.  See?  ''(Holds up a brick with writing on it that says &quot;I hitt Mr Larz...syned, A Brik)''
:'''Lars''': ''Ow!'' Okay, okay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lars''': So...you think you can make an honest woman out of that ''naughty'' actress?  Am I going to have to ''(gasp)'' move out?
:'''Abner''': Yeah...maybe.
:'''Lars''': ''Maybe?''
:'''Abner''': Well, it's a big step.
:'''Lars''': It sure ''is''.
:'''Abner''': But, you know, it feels ''right''.
:'''Lars''': I'll ''bet'' it does.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Abner''': Originally, she was run by a dwarf named Kurtz.  He was killed three years ago by some bad clams.
:'''Krosp''': Bad clams?
:'''Abner''':  Yes...they had ''axes''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Marie''': Ergo, you're up to something.  You've ''got'' a reason, but you didn't tell ''me''.  The only time you don't tell me is when you think it's dangerous.  Because, being a fragile, sheltered noblewoman, I might faint at the thought of experiencing physical harm like a ''common person.''  And then I have to damage one of the good pans, by smacking it against your thick common skull until you tell me...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dimo''': Und for a nize doll like ''hyu'', ve help wit all kinds of tings!
:'''Marie''': ''Oh!'' Remove your arm!
:'''Dimo''': Vot?  Ho yaz, gots to be ''subtle'' in front uf de haitch-oh-zee-bee... bee... um... er... Hyu know, ''him''.  ''(Gestures to Master Payne)''
:'''Master Payne''': Ah...so ''this'' is how it ends.  I was hoping for more dignity.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Marie''': What's that?
:'''Dimo''': Ho!  I knows ''dot'' vun!  My family vos musical!  Dot's ''music!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Master Payne''': No…you ''can't'' have Punch deliver Giovanni Mirandola’s ''Oration On The Dignity Of Man''.  What were you ''thinking?''
:'''Balthazar's father''': Um…irony?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pix''': I was worried that this one might be too...''sophisticated'', but Agatha did just fine!
:'''Abner''': Yes, well.  I only had her rehearse ''her'' lines.  There was no ''context''.
:'''Agatha Clay''': ''(off to the side, talking to Lars)'' -and when I asked him if that was a ''wrench'' in his pocket-

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agatha Clay''': People keep giving me ''rings'', but I think a small ''death ray'' might be more practical.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Anevka Sturmvoraus''':  ''Please'', brother…save the flirtation for dessert.  It will go well with the cheese.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Anevka Sturmvoraus''': He’s ''very'' clever…for a boy who kept buttoning his shoes together.
:'''Tarvek Sturmvoraus''': I was four!
:'''Anveka Sturmvoraus''': Four and a ''half''.
:'''Tarvek Sturmvoraus''': Ignore her.  As you can ''see,'' she still needs ''work''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Messenger''': Well, you've had a lucky escape, sir.  Not telling ''what'' she's capable of, if the ''Baron's'' after her, ''eh?''  Still, it's an ill wind that blows no one any good, eh?  The prince has sent you a reward!  ''Mighty generous'' says I, but &quot;No bless obli cheese,&quot; says he.
:'''Master Payne''': ...Does he?
:'''Messenger''': All the time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ognian''': Hah, ve valk in, ve valk out!  Vill be piece of piroshki!  ''(They come to the lightning moat)''  I chust gun shot op now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dimo''': Vot do dey say about ''Miz Agatha''?
:'''Zeetha''': Nothing.  I can tell you much about the royal family... the guards... the servants... the ''horses''... But about the young actress visiting the prince--not a word.  Not a ''whisper''.  It's as if she were never there at all.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach''': I always hoped I'd find...not just someone to marry, but a ''real partner''.  I've ''read'' about female Sparks all my life, but even in Paris--''Paris'', for pity's sake--just finding ''any'' girl that I could ''really'' talk to, about things I was working on--''ideas''--''Well.''  But Miss Clay...she had the Spark.  And...she ''liked'' me.  She ''did''.  And I...liked ''her''.
:'''Ardsley Wooster''': She ''ran away'', leaving you with a ''slight concussion''.
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach''': I know it wasn't ''perfect'', but we could have-
:'''Zoing''': Heep!  ''HEEP!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach''': Wooster.  This is ''very important''.  Do you ''fear'' me?
:'''Ardsley Wooster''': Sir?
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach''': No, ''really''.  Be honest.
:'''Ardsley Wooster''': Ah...a ''little'', I suppose.
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach''': ...Okay, I can work with that.

== Volume 6 ==

:'''Bangladesh DuPree''': Hey, Boris!  Where's the Baron hiding?  Tell his exalted crankiness that we're almost ready to ''go''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lucrezia Mongfish''': Oh dear.  I ''do'' so mistrust it when &quot;impossible&quot; is one's initial reaction to an idea.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ognian''': Hey dere, Dimo, iz hyu all right?
:'''Dimo''': Fine.  Em ''fine''.
:'''Ognian''': Hyu iz not ''rhinohiding'', iz hyu?
:'''Dimo''': Shut op!  Iz a ''scratch!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Moxana gives Tarvek a card)''
:'''Tarvek Sturmvoraus''': Huh.  The ''Whirlwind''.  &quot;Great power at great risk.&quot;  Or possibly, &quot;beware of things underground,&quot; or, &quot;expect an unexpected friend,&quot; or even, &quot;learn a new piece of music.&quot;  Thank you, O Muse of Mystery.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lars''': So how did you two get to be experts on secret passages?
:'''Sturvin''': We've worked here for twenty-seven years, man.
:'''Lars''': And they just ''told'' you about them?
:'''Kalikoff''': Naw, but when you're being chased and you need a place to hide, you learn what to look for.
:'''Lars''': Chased?  By ''what?''
:'''Kalikoff''': Duh...giant spiders, sewer serpents, ''ghouls''.  It's a ''sewer''.  With tunnels to the ''catacombs'' too.  What do you expect?
:'''Lars''': Um...''most'' sewers don't have ''any'' of that stuff.
:'''Sturvin''':  ''What?''
:'''Kalikoff''': ''Really?''  No albino squid?
:'''Lars''': No!
:'''Kalikoff''': Hey--''rats!''  How about them giant glowing rats?
:'''Lars''': No.  Little rats.  60 centimeters, ''tops''.
:'''Sturvin''': That's ''it?'' Wow.
:'''Kalikoff''': ''None'' of that, huh?
:'''Sturvin''': That's a ''messed-up'' ecosystem, man.
:'''Kalikoff''': So in these other sewers...what do the ''big'' monsters eat?
:'''Lars''': What am I ''doing'' here?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sturvin''': ''(Reading a sign off of the wall)'' &quot;By royal appointment, another fine oubliette from the ancient and honorable guild of Murderous Device Fabricators.  To view our full line of goods, visit our Mechanicsburg showroom--in your ''next life''.&quot;  Great.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lars''': You cut his ''arm'' off!
:'''Ognian''': Um...dis ''vos'' de right von, yah?
:'''Lars''': It's ''melting!''
:'''Ognian''': Yop.  Dot vas it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lars''': We ''can't'' go down again.  The lift is noisy, and those things will be ''waiting''.
:'''Maxim''': Ve ken ''climb'' down.
:'''Lars''': But Dimo...
:'''Macim''': Aw, he ''bounce'' pretty goot!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zeetha''': You're looking for a Heterodyne, ''aren't'' you?  ''I'' think you've found one.
:'''Dimo''': Vill hyu expose her?
:'''Zeetha''': Of course not.  She is ''zumil''.  My student.  I ''protect'' her.  So tell those elephants sneaking up behind me to ''relax''.
:'''Ognian''': Vot?  Hey!  Dese is prime goot sneekin-op moves!
:'''Maxim''': Ognian, I vould ''drop'' it...
:'''Krosp''': Hey...does anyone else hear ''singing?''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Local Boy''': Oubliette... ''(Begins singing)'' Oubladaa-- Life goes on, yeah!  La la, how the life goes on!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tarvek Sturmvoraus''': Dear lady, I would appriciate it if you would have your servants refrain from trying to ignite parts of my house.
:'''Lucrezia Mongfish''': Of ''course!''  I merely thought, if you had no ''other'' plans, well... a fire can be so ''jolly'' on a cold night!
:'''Tarvek Sturmvoraus''': Yeees... in a running, screaming, trying to save life and property sort of way...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Anevka Sturmvoraus''': ''Really'', Tarvek.  Father ''always said'' that if Providence hands you a powerless scapegoat, it is a ''sin'' not to use him.  ''Right?''
:'''Tarvek Sturmvoraus''': Father was ''not'' was I'd call an exemplary role model.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tarvek Sturmvoraus''': After Father put Anevka through that damn machine, it was clear she was dying.  Of course, only ''then'' was he ''sorry''.  Originally, this body was indeed a puppet run by my sister... but also something ''more'' than that.  As she weakened, you did more and more on your own.  In the end, you never even noticed when she ''died''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lars''': Aah!  Glorious fresh air!
:'''Krosp''': ''Better'' than fresh air!
:'''Lars''': Better?
:'''Krosp''': Someone is frying bacon!
:'''Lars''' and '''Krosp''': Mmm!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ognian''': ''ZO!''  I gots any great-great-great-grand-cheeldren?
:'''Local Boy''': No.
:'''Ognian''': Hmf.  Married?
:'''Local Boy''': No.
:'''Ognian''': Gots a gurl?
:'''Local Boy''': No.
:'''Ognian''': ''Vants'' a gurl?
:'''Local Boy''': ''Yes.''
:'''Ognian''': Still looking for dot &quot;perfect story&quot;?  ''Get a job!''
:'''Local Boy''': Stil looking for a ''Heterodyne?''  Get a life!
:'''Ognian''': Dot's important!
:'''Local Boy''': ''Shyeah.''  I'll get married when you find a Heterodyne.
:'''Ognian''': Ho, ''really?''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Master Payne''': Sir, this is a ''respectable'' show.  The girls here are ''not'' for sale.
:'''Gambling Soldier''': Astonishing, but ''true''.  Me 'n the lads've ''tried!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Abner''': Sweet lightning!
:'''Master Payne''': ''Unbelievable!''
:'''Ardsley Wooster''': So much for subtlety.
:'''Marie''': ''What'' is she ''wearing''?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lars''': She's a ''Heterodyne?!''
:'''Dimo''': Ho yez.
:'''Maxim''': Sure.
:'''Ognian''': Din' ve mention dot?
:'''Zeetha''': I'm afraid so.
:'''Krosp''': Glad you could join us, Lars.
:'''Sturvin''': I didn't know.
:'''Kalikoff''': Heh.  You can look up her dress.
:'''Lars''': You ''knew'' this?
:'''Dimo''': Ho yes.
:'''Maxim''': Sure.
:'''Ognian''': Back in Zum Zum!
:'''Zeetha''': I just figured it out.
:'''Krosp''': The grownups knew.
:'''Sturvin''': ''I'' didn't know!
:'''Kalikoff''': It's really out of focus...
:'''Lars''': We...we have to help her!
:'''Dimo''': Ho yez.
:'''Maxim''': Sure.
:'''Ognian''': Vot a goot boy!
:'''Zeetha''': Now that's ''love!''
:'''Krosp''': Well, I guess she's got brains enough for two.
:'''Sturvin''': Isn't that what we were ''already doing?''
:'''Kalikoff''': ...but if you squint one eye...
:'''Lars''': Anything ''else'' I should know?
:'''Dimo''': I iz double-jointed!
:'''Maxim''': I haff neffer luffed.
:'''Ognian''': I iz going to be a great-great-''great''-grandpappa.
:'''Zeetha''': She likes ''you'', too.
:'''Krosp''': I'm hungry.
:'''Sturvin''': We should get off the roof.
:'''Kalikoff''': ...it gets even ''more'' out of focus.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(After Agatha has beaten Vrin)''
:'''Tarvek Sturmvoraus''': Give her one more for me.
:'''Agatha Clay''': I should give you a whack of your ''own''.
:'''Tarvek Sturmvoraus''': Please don't.  Bleeding heavily, here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Scorp''': They say you can judge a person by his ''enemies''.  So you two are looking pretty good right now.  But I'm sure you could change my mind by doing something ''stupid''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Klaus Wulfenbach''': Aren't ''you'' worried that I might actually ''be'' the Other?
:'''Bangladesh DuPree''': Nah.
:'''Klaus Wulfenbach''': Really?  Why not?
:'''Bangladesh DuPree''': Klaus--you're ''always'' telling me, &quot;Oh, DuPree, don't torture people,&quot; or, &quot;don't burn any towns,&quot; or ''whatever'', and if you were the Other, I'd be a Revenant and I'd ''have'' to obey you, even if a town ''really'' needed burning, y'know?  But I can still act on my own better judgment, so I know everything's okay!
:'''Klaus Wulfenbach''': And here I was foolishly hoping for an argument that would ''reassure'' the troops.
:'''Bangladesh DuPree''': Yeah!  It's all about ''free will!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lucrezia Mongfish''': But you should be ''happy'', Klaus.  I'll give you what you want.  A Wulfenbach/Heterodyne alliance!  As civil and sweet as pie!  It'll just be controlled by ''me!''  But I'll play the ''good little girl'' in public.  I'll even wear my little sigil so everyone will know who I am.  I'm so ''glad'' you brought it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maxim''': YAAG! ''(He's shot)''
:'''Ognian''': Maxim!  Dun't hyu ''embarrass'' me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bagladesh Dupree''': Okay! You're all surrounded! ''Surrender and die!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Chef''': So, how d'ye feel?
:'''Agatha Clay''': ''(After being hit in the face by the Chef's &quot;Calming Pie&quot;)'' Um...pretty calm, actually.
:'''The Chef''': ''Yes!'' Extra butter!  Less nutmeg!  I'm a genius!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Marie''': A ''wonderfully'' hallucinogenic gas.  It makes the subject very suggestible.  We simply spread it around and shouted, &quot;The Heterodynes are here!&quot;  It was ''easy''.
:'''Yeti''': They see what we tell them to see.
:'''Marie''': I'm rather proud of it.
:'''Kalikoff''': Wow!  She's changed back into that gauzy, see-through dress!  I ''love'' that thing!
:'''Marie''': They also see all kinds of ''other'' things.  There's a reason we don't use it unless we have to.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agatha Clay''': Um...this really ''is'' a Wulfenbach ship?
:'''Marie''': Oh, yes.  It was remarkably easy to steal.  But then, who would be fool enough to try?
:'''Ognian''': ''Hey!'' Iz  like hyu vife iz callink hyu a ''fool'' wit-out ''ektually''-
:'''Master Payne''': You ''cannot possibly'' be as stupid as you act.
:'''Ognian''': ...ken if I ''vants'' to be!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maxim''': Giff me a hand here!  I gots sometink you'll vant!
:'''Abner''': Lars?!
:'''Maxim''': Ho!  Vell, now, dot's an interestin' metzaphysical qvestion.  See, it's hiz ''body'', but he ain't ''usin' '' it, so...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maxim''': Ven you bury him, make sure he gots a ''hat''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ognian''': Hey, Dimo!  Hyu make it up dot ladder ''real fast'' wit only vun hend!
:'''Dimo''': Ha!  Dot's 'cause I use my ''brains!''
:'''Ognian''' and '''Maxim''': ''EEEW!  MESSY!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agatha Clay''': ''(Grabbing Krosp)'' I can talk to monsters!
:'''Krosp''': Whoa!  Yeah, but will they talk ''back?!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dimo''': Hyu let de Baron deal vit dis vun. Is vot he ''does.''
:'''Agatha''': But I ''squished him'' with a ''chicken house!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agatha Clay''': ''(On the verge of fainting)''  Uh...
:'''Dimo''': I gots hyu!  ''(Dimo forgets about his severed arm, and Agatha crashes to the floor)''
:'''Maxim''': Should haff used hyu brains ''dot'' time, too.
:'''Dimo''': Shot op.  ''(Referring to his arm)'' I gets a new vun, soon.
:'''Maxim''': A new brain?  Goot idea.

== Volume 7 ==

:'''Officer''': I was ''there!'' I ''saw'' it!  It was bad.  The city had gone crazy--monsters and Revenants ''everywhere!''  My unit was ''pinned down''--and then an angel appeared!  A beautiful lady a hundred meters tall!  She spoke, and the enemy...it's like they ''panicked!''  And then she called the Heterodynes down from heaven...and they came!  They were ''giants!'' With enormous ''wings!'' They fought along side us!  They were ''everywhere!''  And they brought a girl, the ''new Heterodyne!''  She's still out there!  And she's headed for Mechanicsburg ''right now'' to take back the castle!  It's ''unbelievable!''
:'''Phil Foglio''': ''(Staring)'' Oh--I'll grant you that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peddler''': ''(Displaying his wares)'' Eggs!  Mostly chicken!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jenka''': &quot;No Jager iz to enter Mechanicsburg 'til a Heterodyne iz vunce again in residence.&quot;  Dot vas de ''deal''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Sun''': Young Gilgamesh.  I was expecting you ''last night''.
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach''': Yes sir.  I was stabilizing a medical experiment.  Leaving it to fail would have been...''unforgivable''.  Actually, you might be interested in some of the details-
:'''Dr. Sun''': At the moment, I am interested in keeping your father alive.  A subject I can only assume is of ''some small interest'' to yourself, as well.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agatha Clay''': I am Agatha Heterodyne.  Bill and Lucrezia were my parents.
:'''Carson von Mekkhan''': Interesting.  ''Where are they?''
:'''Agatha Clay''': I don't know.  I was raised by...well...you'd know them as ''Punch and Judy''.
:'''Carson von Mekkhan''': ''That's'' different.  Did Punch ever mention a ''Master Heliotrope''?
:'''Agatha Clay''': No, because he couldn't talk.
:'''Carson von Mekkhan''': Oh, my.  Not many people ''know'' that.
:'''Agatha Clay''': They probably ''also'' don't know that he hiccups after he encounters electricity.  I ''know'' you're testing me.  I ''can'' keep this up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agatha Clay''': I've never ''had'' coffee.  Lilith said a young lady shouldn't drink ''stimulants''.
:'''Zeetha''': Drink your coffee like a warrior.
:'''Agatha Clay''': ...Yes, Zeetha.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Krosp''': This coffee you gave her.  Strong stuff?
:'''Vanamonde''': It's my ''personal blend''.
:'''Krosp''': ''Ah''.  I think you're about to find out that Lilith was a smart lady.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(Agatha has been given coffee for the first time)''
:'''Vanamonde''': um--Miss, are you--
:'''Agatha Clay''': THISSTUFFISKINDOFINTERESTINGBUTIDON'TSEEWHATTHEBIGDEALIS.
:'''Vanamonde''': Well, my usual coffee engine is broken, so-
:'''Agatha Clay''': BROKEN?
:'''Vanamonde''': We're using the backup machine, and-
:'''Agatha Clay''': ''AHA!'' ''YES''I''SEE''.ASIMPLEDOUBLEBOILERWITHARATHERCLEVER''CONDENSER''ANDA''PERCOLATIONSYSTEM''AND''STEAMERHA!'' ''(To the waitress) ''DOYOUHAVEANY''INFORMATION''ABOUTTHECOFFEE''EXTRACTION''PROCESS?
:'''Waitress''': Uh...we have a book by the cashier, you-- ''(Agatha zips away)'' could--
:'''Agatha Clay''': THANKYOU! WHYTHISISA''SIMPLE''EXCERCISEIN''CHEMISTRY!''
:'''Waitress''': --borrow--
:'''Agatha Clay''': WHEREISSOMERAWCOFFEE?  NEVERMINDISHALL''FIND''IT!
:'''Waitress''': --it?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carson von Mekkhan''': ''(Watching Agatha work)'' She's...she's Heterodyning...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Captain Vole''': Dere iz now, in der town, a ''second'' gurl claiming to be a Heterodyne.
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach''': A second...is ''she'' attempting to enter the castle?
:'''Captain Vole''': No, sir.  She iz in a ''coffee shop''.
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach''': ...A coffee shop?  What is she doing in a coffee shop?
:'''Captain Vole''':  She iz making ''coffee'', sir.
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach''': Making coffee...
:'''Captain Vole''': Dere haff been ''three explosions'' so far, sir.
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach''': ''Agatha!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vanamonde''': ''(Tasting coffee from Agatha's machine)'' It's...perfect.  The taste is a perfect blend of all the tastes and essences that make coffee what it ''is''.  A perfect blend--and yet I can discern every one...''perfectly''.  Even the way the liquid adheres to the inside of the cup, indicative of the way it flows along the taste buds, is aesthetically ''perfect''.  It reveals the mathematical perfection of the ''cup itself!''  The delicate smoothness of the china, with its own inherent temperature, which mitigates the otherwise extreme heat of the coffee itself...IT IS A THING OF TACTILE AND FUNCTIONAL BEAUTY!  PERFECT!  ''AND THIS!  THIS PERFECT SAUCER!''
:'''Carson von Mekkhan''': ...Lady?
:'''Agatha Clay''': Er...I can ''fix'' that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Heterodyne Imposter:''' Now, listen.  This is probably the best-mapped area, but you still must follow ''my'' lead.  Avoid any floorstone marked in ''white''.  It is a trap that will kill you.  Do not stand under any part of the ceiling marked in ''white''.  It is a trap that will kill you.  ''Duck'' under any opening taller than ''one meter''.  It is a trap that will kill you.  Do not touch ''any'' metal surface.  It is a trap that will kill you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Heterodyne Imposter:''' I ''will'' rule as the new Heterodyne.  I don't ''need'' the permission of a ''broken machine''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(In the Heterodyne family crypt)''
:'''Carson von Mekkhan:''' One way or another, the Heterodynes always come home in the end.
:'''Agatha Clay:''' And yet it's ''impossible'' that ''I'' could be one?  Everything tells me I ''am''.
:'''Carson von Mekkhan:''' Oh, I can see ''why''.  Punch and Judy, your effect on the town, not to mention ''Vole''.  Still, whatever you are, you're ''not'' the heir everyone ''expects''.
:'''Agatha Clay:''' Oh?
:'''Carson von Mekkhan:''' Nope.  Because you're ''standing'' on him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agatha Clay:''' ''(reading Carson von Mekkhan's business card)'' Doom bell ringer?!
:'''Ardsley Wooster:''' That bell only rings when the Heterodynes are in residence.
:'''Carson von Mekkhan:''' Oh, I'm not saying business hasn't been ''slow''...but the ''pay'' isn't bad...''(looks at Agatha)'' and there're signs that things could be picking up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ardsley Wooster:''' I'm done talking to you!
:'''Carson von Mekkhan:''' I appreciate the effort, but the day's already a loss.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Carson von Mekkhan:''' I'm going to have you talk to the castle.
:'''Agatha Clay:''' And that hurts?
:'''Carson von Mekkhan:''' From down here?  ''Yes''.
:'''Agatha Clay:''' Then--
:'''Carson von Mekkhan:''' No one else can do this.
:'''Agatha Clay:''' Why couldn't ''Wooster'' do it?
:'''Ardsley Wooster:''' ''Me?!''
:'''Agatha Clay:''' I mean, for example.
:'''Ardsley Wooster:''' ''For example?''
:'''Agatha Clay:''' Sh.  I'm ''curious''.
:'''Carson von Mekkhan:''' Because ''I'm'' the Seneschal.  ''I'm'' the one with the special holes pre-drilled into his skull.
:'''Agatha Clay:''' Oh, ''I'' can do ''that''!
:'''Ardsley Wooster:''' What ''IS'' it with you?!
:'''Carson von Mekkhan:''' She's a Heterodyne, son.  And this is ''Mechanicsburg''.  It does something to 'em.  You'll get used to it, if you ''live''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Heterodyne Castle:''' ''(speaking through von Mekkhan)'' It has been 437215353 seconds since this system was last activated...why, it's still old ''Carson!''  He swore he'd ''never'' be back!  He must be ''very certain indeed''.  ''(to Wooster)'' So you think you're a Heterodyne, ''eh boy?''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Captain Vole:''' De pipple of Mechanicsburg vould ''not'' ekcept dot as proof dot she iz a Heterodyne.
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach:''' No, neither would my father.
:'''Captain Vole:''' ...Not unless she danced nekkid through de ruins vile trying to shoot down de moon...turned all the tourists into monsters...and den built a very dangerous fountain out of ''sausages''.
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach:''' Well... yes, that goes without saying.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach:''' Oh!  &quot;Clowns&quot; is the ''perfect'' word!  Foolish creatures who cause a distraction, while the ''real'' players prepare!
:'''Captain Vole:''' Votever hyu say, Meester &quot;I'm so schmot I don't gotta make sense.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jenka:''' ''(after being surprised by war stompers)'' Hyu gots de ''goot'' ears!?
:'''Maxim:''' Sure--hum someting, I tell hyu vot animal it iz!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ardsley Wooster:''' Battle clanks!  ''Huge'' ones!
:'''Agatha Clay:''' ''Ooooooh!  Magnificent!''
:'''Krosp''': Um, they ''are'' here to ''attack'' us.
:'''Agatha Clay:''' And I can't ''wait'' to see them in action!
:'''Carson von Mekkhan:''' Well, ''that's'' encouraging.
:'''Krosp:''' ''What?''
:'''Carson von Mekkhan:''' Her grandfather used to open the gates for things like this--so he could get a better ''look''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach:''' All I want is you ''commander''.
:'''4th Commander:''' You hit him with ''lightning''.
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach:''' Ah.  Second in command?
:'''4th Commander:''' Him, too.
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach:''' ...Third?
:'''4th Commander:''' He was in the second machine.
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach:''' ''(sighing)'' Fourth?
:'''4th Commander:''' ''(pulling out a dagger)'' That would be ''me'', madboy!
:''(He is struck in the head by a pocket knife)''
:'''Dimo:''' Hoy!  So who ''else'' vants to be ''promoted?''
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach:'''  I...I could have handled that.
:'''Jenka:''' Ov ''cozz''.  Now, lean on me all sobtle-like before hyu ''falls down''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach:''' Wait--you're...you're not Wulfenbach jagers.
:'''Jenka:''' Nope.  Ve iz de ''goot lookin'' vuns!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ognina:''' ''Lots'' of pipple hev tried to take de town!
:'''Maxim:''' Dot's vy dey keep dis big open plain here.  De gun crews know de co-ordinates for every centimeter!
:'''Ognian:''' Hah!  Remember dot &quot;X de Destroyer&quot; guy?  Who thot dot big &quot;X&quot; on de ground vos vere he should set up hiz ''tent?!''  Hee!
:'''Maxim''' and '''Ognian:''' '''''SPLAT!'''''
:'''Maxim:''' Goot times!
:'''Ognian:''' Yah.  But dey hadta get a new &quot;X&quot; made!
:'''Maxim:''' Haw!  ''Both'' sides said ''dot!''

== Volume 8 ==

:'''Agatha Clay:''' ''(thinking)'' Right.  So the castle's a huge mechanical death trap.  But, theoretically, it's ''my'' huge mechanical death trap, so it ''probably'' won't kill me...at least, not until I've ''repaired'' it...unless I run afoul of one of the damaged bits...or it doesn't ''recognize'' me as part of the Heterodyne family...or it decides it would be ''funny'' to kill me ''anyway''...and then there's all the convicts on repair duty ''with'' me...''and'' an ''imposter'' who'll probably kill me on sight.  ''(sighs)'' Great.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(After being telling Agatha that she was on kitchen duty in the castle)''
:'''Wilhelm:''' So...what did you ''do'' to wind up ''here'', anyway?
:'''Agatha Clay:''' ''(as Pix)'' Poisoned thirty-seven people...who ''complained'' about my ''cooking''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wilhelm:''' I been in here too long.  There's no ''easy'' way out.  Just ''in''.  But...I ''did'' see someone get out, ''once''...  She was ''smart''.  Collected her points, and walked out free.  She ''did'' it.  Just like ''I'm'' gonna.  Long as this place don't get ''mad'' at me, first.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach:''' I am ''sick to death'' of this!  What do I have to ''do?!'' I just took down an entire army of war clanks, and ''still'' I get treated like a ''halfwit child!''  Now.  Listen ''very carefully''.  The Heterodyne girl is ''not'' to be harmed.  I ''won't allow it''.
:'''Captain Vole:''' '''''RHAAARGH!''''' Hyu jabbering ''veakling!''  I keel hyu!  Hyu poppa ken put hyu bek togedder ven I bring hyu beck in ''pieces!''
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach:''' ''(beating up Vole)''  ''Always'' I try to be reasonable.  To be ''fair''.  I try to ''talk'' to people.  And no one ''ever'' takes it as anything other than ''weakness''.  You listen to me try to be ''civilized'' and you think, &quot;Oh, ''he's nothing.''  Him we can ''ignore''.  Him we can ''push around''.  We can do whatever we want--''HE'' won't stop us!&quot;  Because nobody ''takes me seriously'' unless I shout and threaten like a cut-rate ''stage villian''.  Well, you know what?  I can ''do'' crazy.  I ''really can''.  And it looks like I'm going to ''have'' to.  Agatha is in danger.  This ''whole town'' is in danger.  If I'm going to be able to help her ''at all'', I'll have to give up all this &quot;being reasonable&quot; garbage and show you ''idiots'' what kind of madboy you're ''really dealing with''.
:''(pauses, calms down)''
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach:'''  ...Oh.  Oh, no.  This must be how my father feels--''all the time!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach:''' My father once wrote a monograph on how to communicate in the workplace.
:'''Dimo:''' ...Iz dat so?
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach:''' All seven popes ordered it ''burned''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dimo:''' Vell - guess ''hyu'' iz feelin ''better''.
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach:''' ''(whispering)'' Is he gone?
:'''Dimo:''' Vot?
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach:''' ''(whispering)'' Vole. Is he gone?
:'''Dimo:''' Vell, ''yah''. He run off already.
:'''Gilgamesh Wulfenbach:''' ''(whispering) Good. (collapses)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''(discussing Gilgamesh's fondness for Agatha)''
:'''Maxim:''' Hy vill teach him how to impress de ''gorls!''
:'''Ognian:''' Hy vill teach him about de birds und de veasles!
:'''Dimo:''' Und hy vill teach him how to ''avoid those two''.
:'''Jenka:''' Ah.  Den he may haff a ''chence''.

== Revenge of the Weasel Queen Part I ==

:'''Narrator:''' It is a world ruled by ''mad science!''  Philosophers have told us that, in an infinite universe, anything is possible.  Thus, somewhere out there is a reality where you--the listener--are actually a crazed mad scientist (or, to be more polite, a &quot;''spark!''&quot;)  You rule with an iron hand from your lonely mountain top castle, sending armies of undead monsters, giant insects, or even hideous extradimensional intelligences against helpless villagers, and battling with your fellow scientists!  Wanting nothing more than to dance upon their bones while the rest of the world acknowledges your genius and cedes you ''mastery'' over ''all'' who ''kneel before you!'' If this sounds like your idea of a good time, you'll fit perfectly into the world of...&quot;''Girl Genius!''&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator:''' In our last episode, Agatha Heterodyne (our hero), and her companions: Krosp, the emperor of all cats, Zeetha, the lost princess of the lost city of Skifander, and Othar Tryggvassen, managed to thward the nefarious plans of Podnasty, the villanous vegetable--
:'''Krosp:''' Yeah, that one was tough.
:'''Narrator:''' --and are now taking a well-deserved break--
:'''Agatha Clay:''' Took us, what, three minutes?
:'''Narrator:''' --in a quiet woodland glade--
:'''Zeetha:''' At least you got a salad out of it.
:'''Narrator:''' --from which no one has ever emerged alive!
:'''Othar Tryggvassen:''' And a ''tasty''--er, wait--''(looking up at the Narrator's speech bubble)''--What was that?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Krosp:''' ''Yikes!'' That's the ''biggest rabbit'' I've ''ever seen!''
:'''Agatha Clay:''' Ah.  That's because you haven't seen the two other ones right behind you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agatha Clay:''' ''(being attacked by a giant rabbit)'' Ah, good.  I'd wanted a chance to test my pocket de-arming device.
:'''Giant Rabbit:''' Ha!  Foolish human!  I need no ''weapons''!
:'''Agatha Clay:''' ...I didn't say anything about weapons.
:'''Giant Rabbit:''' ''AAGH!''  My arms!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ferretina:''' It's been about six weeks.  The first few who disappeared, people thought it was just the usual: zombie warriors, giant insects, hideous extra-dimensional intelligences from Herr Klopman's well...
:'''Krosp:''' That's the ''usual'' around here?
:'''Ferretina:''' The rents are very cheap.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agatha Clay:''' ''(winning an argument with Krosp)'' Q.E.''Duh''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jorf Oxclonker:''' That was no friend of mine...nor of ''any human!''  You describe the evil Ferretina, the Weasel Queen!  Couldn't you ''tell?''
:'''Agatha Clay:''' Ah.  Well...we meet a ''lot'' of strangely dressed people.
:'''Krosp:''' At least ''she'' was ''color coordinated''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zeetha:''' What does this Ferretina ''do'' with the men she demands?
:'''Jorf Oxclonker:''' Well, she ''does'' demand well-formed, lusty young men over six feet tall and under the age of twenty five.
:''(Zeetha and Agatha looked stunned for a moment, then Zeetha smiles.)''
:'''Zeetha:''' I seeeeee...
:'''Agatha Clay:''' You ''do?''
:'''Jorf Oxclonker:''' Yes.  She says those taste best when grilled with cheese.
:'''Zeetha:''' Okay, I didn't see ''that''.
:'''Agatha Clay:''' What ''did'' you see?
:'''Zeetha:''' Never you mind.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agatha Clay:''' We've got to save Othar!
:'''Krosp:''' ... We do?!
:'''Agatha Clay:''' Of course we do! He has no ''idea'' he's walking into a Trap! If we don't save him he might be '''killed'''!
:'''Krosp:''' Is this one of those situations involving &quot;ethics?&quot; 'Cause, I'm a ''cat'', you know.  I've never been very ''good'' at those.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agatha Clay:''' Let me put it this way...help me save Othar or I'll hit you with a STICK!
:''(pause)''
:'''Krosp:''' How ''big'' a stick?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': Will Agatha be able to find a big enough stick?  Will Othar find out that he's in danger in time?  Will he figure it out ''at all?''  And what kind of cheese goes best with grilled ''ham?''  To find out, tune in again for the further adventures of Agatha Heterodyne, '''''Girl Genius!'''''

== Revenge of the Weasel Queen Part II ==

:'''Narrator:''' It is a world ruled by ''mad science!'' Things ''happen''.  Usually they happen to ''other'' people.  ''This'' is entertainment.  Occasionally, however, they happen to ''you''.  Sometimes, you get eaten by monsters, or subjugated by intelligent oysters, or forced to wear steam-powered iron shoes that never stop ''dancing''.  But sometimes--very rarely, but ''sometimes''--they're ''your'' monsters.  And as you sit in your castle, watching the oysters dance, you realize it's a pretty jolly little world after all.  ''That's'' when the front door gets blown in and you belatedly realize that, once again, ''you'' are doomed to be the entertainment in another exciting installment of...'''''Agatha Heterodyne, Girl Genius!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator:''' Quandary.  Noun.  From the Latin &quot;quando&quot;.  A state of difficulty or perplexity.  A ''predicament''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Agatha Clay:''' We are ''not'' rescuing Othar.  We are going to ''stop'' Ferretina from terrorizing the village, and if, by pure, blind ''chance'', we find Othar and he needs to be ''rescued'', I will ''seriously consider'' it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zeetha:''' Good grief!  How did you construct something so ''complicated''?
:'''Agatha Clay:''' ''Please''.  I ''always'' carry a swiss army knife and a coil of wire.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mechanical Taxidermist and Tailor:''' ''(critiquing Agatha's outfit)'' bzzt.  I see Goodwill was having a fire sale.  What are we trying to say, here?  &quot;I wish to disguise myself as a ''sofa cushion?''&quot;  &quot;I wish to save the world but I cannot navigate my ''closet''?&quot;  '''''NON!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Othar Tryggvassen:''' Say, I never thought a throne of bones and skulls would be so comfortable!
:'''Ferretina:''' It's ergonomic.  Would you care for a drink?
:'''Other Tryggvassen:''' Um...it's ''bubbling''.
:'''Ferretina:''' That's how you know it's ''fresh''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator:''' Will Ferretina have the pleasure of ''destroying Othar''--or will she have to ''get in line''?  Will Agatha's fashion clank find solace in ''death''?  Will ''Krosp'' be more useful with a ''clock in his tummy''?  All of these questions will be cheerfully answered in the next episode of...'''''Agatha Heterodyne, Girl Genius!'''''

== External links ==

{{wikipedia}}
* [http://www.girlgeniusonline.com ''Girl Genius'' Online Comics]

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    <title>Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (film)</title>
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[[File:Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey by night USJ.JPG|thumb|It is not our abilities that show us what we truly are. It is our choices.]]
'''''[[w:Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (film)|Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets]]''''' is a [[w:2002 in film|2002 film]] in which Harry ignores warnings not to return to Hogwarts, only to find the school plagued by a series of mysterious attacks and a strange voice haunting him.
:''Directed by [[w:Chris Columbus|Chris Columbus]]. Written by [[w:Steve Kloves|Steve Kloves]], based on the [[Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets|book of the same name]] by [[J. K. Rowling]].''
&lt;div style=&quot;width:90%; margin:0 auto 0 auto; text-align: center;&gt;'''Hogwarts is Back in Session''' ([[#taglines|taglines]])&lt;/div&gt;

[[File:Rubber Duck (8374802487).jpg|thumb|Now, Harry, you must know all about Muggles. Tell me. What exactly is the function of a rubber duck?]]
[[File:Gold stater MET DP138743.jpg|thumb|&quot;What's the use of being a disgrace to the name of wizard... if they don't even pay you well for it?&quot;&lt;br&gt;&quot;We have a ''very'' different idea about what disgraces the name of wizard, Malfoy.&quot;]]
[[File:Slytherin.png|thumb|So... this is what Dumbledore sends his great defender: a songbird and an old hat. ''Speak to me, Slytherin, greatest of the Hogwarts Four.'' Let's match the power of Lord Voldemort, Heir of Slytherin, against the famous Harry Potter.]]
[[File:Grinfindor sword-P5120198-black.jpg|thumb|&quot;Well... let us hope that Mr. Potter will always be around to save the day.&quot; &lt;br&gt;&quot;Don't worry. I will be.&quot;]]

== Harry Potter ==
* We know one thing. Hagrid never opened the Chamber of Secrets. He was innocent.
* There's no Hogwarts without you, Hagrid.

== Ron Weasley ==
* ''[When seeing the Gryffindor team and the Slytherin team confronting each other]'' Uh-oh. I smell trouble.
* That would be a cheerful visit. &quot;Hello, Hagrid. Tell us, have you been setting anything mad and hairy loose in the castle lately?&quot;
* &quot;Follow the spiders! Follow the spiders!&quot; If Hagrid ever gets out of Azkaban, I'll kill him!

== Hermione Granger ==
* &quot;The Chamber of Secrets has been opened, Enemies of the heir, beware.&quot; It's written in blood.
* ''[About Myrtle]'' She's a ''little'' sensitive.

== Gilderoy Lockhart ==
*Me? Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin, Third Class, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defence League, and five-time winner of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award — but I don’t talk about that. I didn’t get rid of the Bandon Banshee by smiling at her!
* Amazing! This is just like ''magic!''

== Albus Dumbledore ==
* It is not our abilities that show us what we truly are. It is our choices.
* In light of recent events, as a school treat&amp;ndash; all exams have been cancelled!

== Arthur Weasley ==
* Now, Harry, you must know all about Muggles. Tell me. What exactly is the function of a rubber duck?

== Ginny Weasley ==
* Harry, it was me. But I swear. I didn't mean to. Riddle made me, and&amp;ndash; ''[Looks at Harry's wound from the snake he killed]'' Harry, you're hurt.

== Moaning Myrtle ==
* I wouldn't expect you to know me. Who would ever talk about ugly, miserable, moping, Moaning Myrtle?
* Oh, Harry? If you die down there, you're welcome to share my toilet. ''[Giggles]''

== Tom Marvolo Riddle ==
* Yes, Potter, the process is nearly complete. In a few minutes, Ginny Weasley will be dead. And I will cease to be a memory. Lord Voldemort will return&amp;ndash; very&amp;ndash; much&amp;ndash; alive.
* Funny, the damage a silly little book can do, especially in the hands of a silly little girl.

== Dialogue ==
:''[Malfoy corners Harry, Hermione, and the Weasley children at Flourish &amp; Blotts Bookstore after Harry unwillingly gets his picture taken with Lockhart.]''
:'''Draco''': Bet you '''''loved''''' that, didn't you, Potter? Famous Harry Potter can't even go into a '''''bookshop''''' without making the front page.
:'''Ginny''': Leave him alone.
:'''Draco''': ''[Smirking]'' Oh, look, Potter. You've got yourself a '''''girlfriend'''''.
:'''Lucius Malfoy''': ''[Places the silver snake of his walking stick on Draco's shoulder]'' Now, now, Draco. Play nicely. ''[To Harry]'' Mr. Potter. Lucius Malfoy. We meet at last. ''[Pulls Harry closer]'' Forgive me. ''[Uses the silver snake to pull back Harry's bangs; sees his scar]'' Your scar is legend. As, of course, is the wizard who gave it to you.
:'''Harry''': ''[Firmly]'' Voldemort killed my parents. He was nothing more than a murderer.
:'''Lucius Malfoy''': Hmm, you must be very brave to mention his name. Or very foolish.
:'''Hermione''': ''[Indirectly quoting Dumbledore]'' Fear of a name only increases fear of the thing itself.
:'''Lucius Malfoy''': And you must be Miss Granger. Yes, Draco's told me all about you... and your parents. ''[Glances at the Grangers, who are speaking with Arthur]'' Muggles, aren't they? ''[Looks at Ron]'' Let me see. Red hair, vacant expressions... ''[Takes a book out of Ginny's cauldron]'' Tatty, secondhand book. ''[Smiles coldly]'' You must be the Weasleys.
:'''Arthur Weasley''': ''[Arriving and attempting to ignore Lucius]'' Children, it's mad in here. Let's go outside.
:'''Lucius Malfoy''': Well, well, well. Weasley Senior.
:'''Arthur Weasley''': Lucius.
:'''Lucius Malfoy''': Busy time at the Ministry, Arthur? All those extra raids; I do hope they're paying you overtime. ''[Picks up one of Ginny's books]'' Though judging by the state of this, I'd say not. ''[Places the book back in Ginny's cauldron; another book has been slipped in with it, though only Harry notices]'' What's the use of being a disgrace to the name of wizard... if they don't even pay you well for it?
:'''Arthur Weasley''': We have a ''very'' different idea about what disgraces the name of wizard, Malfoy.
:'''Lucius Malfoy''': Clearly. Associating with Muggles... And I thought your family could sink no lower. ''[Arthur glares at him]'' I'll see you at work.
:'''Draco''': See you at school.
:''[Lucius and Draco leave.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Snape is reading a newspaper. On the front cover is the moving image of Arthur's car flying. The headline reads &quot;Flying [[w:Ford Anglia|Ford Anglia]] Mystifies Muggles&quot;]''
:'''Snape''': You were '''''seen''''', by no less than '''''seven''''' Muggles! ''[Throws down the newspaper and glares at Harry and Ron]'' Do you have '''''any''''' idea how serious this is? You have risked the exposure of our world! Not to mention the damage you inflicted on a Whomping Willow that's been on these grounds since '''''before''''' you were born.
:'''Ron''': Honestly, Professor Snape, I think it did more damage to '''''us'''''.
:'''Snape''': '''''Silence!''''' I assure you that were you in Slytherin and your fate rested with me, the both of you would be on the train home, '''''tonight'''''! As it is...
:'''Dumbledore''': They are '''''not'''''.
:''[Professor Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall enter the room.]''
:'''Harry''': Professor Dumbledore. Professor McGonagall.
:'''Snape''': Headmaster... these boys have flouted the Decree for the Restriction of Underage Wizardry. As such...
:'''Dumbledore''': I am well aware of our bylaws, Severus, having written quite a few of them myself. However, as head of Gryffindor House, it is for Professor McGonagall to determine the appropriate action.
:'''Ron''': We'll go and get our stuff, then.
:'''McGonagall''': What are you talking about, Mr. Weasley?
:'''Ron''': You're going to expel us, aren't you?
:'''McGonagall''': Not '''''today''''', Mr. Weasley. But I must impress on both of you the seriousness of what you have done. I will be writing to your families tonight, and you will both receive detention.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dean''': Ron? Is that your owl?
:''[Errol is flying towards the Gryffindor table with a letter; he crashes into a bowl of chips, knocking them all over the table; Slytherins laugh as Ron nervously picks up the letter and Errol flies off]''
:'''Ron''': That bloody bird's a menace. ''[looks at the letter]'' Oh no!
:'''Seamus''': Look, everyone! Weasley's got himself a Howler!
:'''Neville''': Go on, Ron. I ignored one from my gran once... ''[looking uneasy]'' It was horrible!
:''[Ron nervously opens the Howler and Molly's voice echoes around the hall]''
:'''Molly via Howler''': '''''RONALD WEASLEY!!!''''' ''[The Howler forms itself into a ranting mouth]'' '''HOW ''DARE'' YOU STEAL THAT CAR!! I AM ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTED! YOUR FATHER'S NOW FACING AN INQUIRY AT WORK, AND IT'S ''ENTIRELY YOUR FAULT!!'' IF YOU PUT ANOTHER ''TOE'' OUT OF LINE, WE'LL BRING YOU ''STRAIGHT HOME!!!''''' ''[Ron simply nods, too terrified to speak. The Howler turns to Ginny, who is eating her breakfast; its voice is now quiet and loving]'' Oh, and Ginny, dear, congratulations on making Gryffindor. Your father and I are so proud. ''[The Howler turns back to Ron and blows a raspberry at him, then tears itself to pieces]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ron''': Those are Nimbus Two-Thousand and Ones! How did you get those?
:'''Marcus Flint''': A gift from Draco's father.
:'''Draco''': You see, Weasley, unlike some, my father can afford the best.
:'''Hermione''': At least no one on the Gryffindor team had to buy their way in. They got in on pure talent.
:'''Draco''': ''[Annoyed]'' No one asked ''your'' opinion, you filthy little Mudblood.
:''[Hermione glares at him with a mixture of hate and hurt]''
:'''Ron''': You'll pay for that one, Malfoy! Eat slugs!
:''[Ron's spell backfires, blasting him off his feet. Harry and Hermione rush to his side.]''
:'''Hermione''': You okay, Ron? ''[Ron's face turns green]'' Say something!
:''[Ron opens his mouth as if to say something but instead regurgitates a slug.]''
:'''Colin Creevey''': ''[starts taking pictures of Ron]'' Wow! Can you turn him around, Harry?
:'''Harry Potter''': No, Colin! Get out of the way. ''[he and Hermione help Ron to his feet]'' Let's take him to Hagrid. ''[Ron regurgitates another slug]''  He'll know what to do.
:''[The three of them rush off to Hagrid's while the Slytherins laugh at them.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hermione''': He called me a Mudblood. 
:'''Hagrid''': ''[Stunned]'' He did not.
:'''Harry''': What's a Mudblood?
:'''Hermione''': It means &quot;dirty blood&quot;. Mudblood's a really foul name for someone who is Muggle-born. Someone with non-magic parents. Someone like me. It's not a term one usually hears in civilized conversation.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''McGonagall''': Yes, Miss Granger?
:'''Hermione''': Professor, I was wondering if you'd tell us about the Chamber of Secrets.
:'''McGonagall''': ''[Seeing everyone's faces]'' Very well. Well, you all knew, of course, that Hogwarts was founded over a thousand years ago, by the four greatest witches and wizards of the age: Godric Gryffindor, Helga Hufflepuff, Rowena Ravenclaw, and Salazar Slytherin. Now three of the founders co-existed quite harmoniously. One did not.
:'''Ron''': ''[Sarcastic]'' Three guesses who.
:'''McGonagall''': Salazar Slytherin wished to be more selective about the students admitted to Hogwarts. He believed magical learning should be kept within all-magic families &amp;ndash; in other words, &quot;pure-bloods&quot;. Unable to sway the others, he decided to leave the school. Now according to legend, Slytherin had built a hidden chamber in this castle, known as the Chamber of Secrets. Though shortly before departing, he sealed it... until that time when his own true heir returned to the school. The heir alone would be able to open the chamber and unleash the horror within, and by so doing, purge the school of all those who, in Slytherin's view, were unworthy to study magic.
:'''Hermione''': Muggle-borns.
:'''McGonagall''': Well, naturally the school has been searched many times. No such chamber has been found.
:'''Hermione''': Professor, what exactly does legend tell us lies within the Chamber?
:'''McGonagall''': Well the Chamber is said to be home to something that only the Heir of Slytherin can control. it is said to be the home... of a monster.
:''[Hermione stares in shock, and Ron turns to Malfoy, who smirks.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Harry, Ron, and Hermione are walking along a hallway.]''
:'''Ron''': Do you think it's true? Do you think there really is a Chamber of Secrets?
:'''Hermione'''': Yes. Couldn't you tell? McGonagall's worried. All the teachers are.
:'''Harry''': But if there really is a Chamber of Secrets, a-and it really has been opened, then that means&amp;ndash;
:'''Hermione''': The heir of Slytherin has returned to Hogwarts. The question is: who is it?
:''[As Harry, Ron, and Hermione are talking, Draco, Crabbe, and Goyle pass by them.]''
:'''Ron''': Let's think, who do we know who thinks all Muggle-borns are scum?
:'''Hermione''': If you're talking about Malfoy&amp;ndash;
:'''Ron''': Of course, you heard him. &quot;You'll be next, Mudbloods.&quot;
:'''Hermione''': I heard him. But Malfoy, the heir of Slytherin?
:'''Harry''': Maybe Ron's right, Hermione. I mean, look at his family. The whole lot of them have been in Slytherin for centuries.
:'''Ron''': Crabbe and Goyle must know. Maybe we could trick them into telling.
:'''Hermione''': Even they aren't that thick. But there might be another way.
:''[Harry, Ron, and Hermione stop walking.]''
:'''Hermione''': Mind you, it would be difficult. Not to mention we'd be breaking about fifty school rules. And it'll be dangerous. Very dangerous.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[In the library, Hermione takes a book about Polyjuice Potion from a shelf and goes over to Harry and Ron, who are trying to find which books they should take from a shelf.]''
:'''Hermione''': Here it is. The Polyjuice Potion. ''[Reads from the book]'' &quot;Properly brewed, the Polyjuice Potion allows the drinker to transform himself temporarily into the physical form of another.&quot;
:'''Ron''': You mean, if Harry and I drink that stuff, we'll turn into Crabbe and Goyle?
:'''Hermione''': Yes.
:'''Ron''': Wicked! Malfoy will tell us anything.
:'''Hermione''': Exactly. But it's tricky. I've never seen a more complicated potion.
:'''Harry''': Well, how long will it take to make?
:'''Hermione''': A month.
:'''Harry''': A month? But Hermione, if Malfoy ''is'' the heir of Slytherin, he could attack half the Muggle-borns in the school by then.
:'''Hermione''': I know. But it's the only plan we've got.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Malfoy starts groaning in pain while lying on a bed. Crabbe and Goyle sit on the bed. Madame Pomfrey comes into the hospital wing holding a Skele-Gro bottle.]''
:'''Madame Pomfrey''': Mr. Malfoy, stop making such a fuss! You can go!
:''[Madame Pomfrey approaches a group of students, who are gathering around Harry, who is lying on another bed.]''
:'''Madame Pomfrey''': ''[Motions for some of the students to move out of the way]'' Out of my way! Out of my way!
:''[Some of the students move out of the way for Madame Pomfrey to approach a table and put the Skele-Gro bottle down.]''
:'''Madame Pomfrey''': You should've been brought straight to me. I can mend bones in a heartbeat, but growing them back&amp;ndash;
:'''Hermoine''': You will be able to, won't you?
:'''Madame Pomfrey''': Oh, I'll be able to, certainly. But it'll be painful.
:''[Madame Pomfrey pours Skele-Gro into a glass.]''
:'''Madame Pomfrey''': You're in for a rough night, Potter. Regrowing bones is a nasty business.
:''[Madame Pomfrey gives the glass to Harry. Harry takes the glass and drinks from it, but spits the Skele-Gro out in disgust.]''
:'''Madame Pomfrey''': Well, what do you expect? Pumpkin juice?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dobby''': ''[Hops on the bed]'' Listen. Listen! Terrible things are about to happen at Hogwarts. Harry Potter must not stay here, now that history is to repeat itself.
:'''Harry''': Repeat itself? You mean this has happened before?
:'''Dobby''': ''[Gasps and covers his mouth]'' I shouldn't have said that! ''[Picks up the Skele-Gro bottle and hits himself on the head with it repeatedly]'' Bad Dobby! Bad!
:'''Harry''': Stop it, Dobby! ''[Takes the bottle off of Dobby's hands and violently grabs him by the mark collar]'' Tell me Dobby. When did this happen before? Who's doing it now?
:'''Dobby''': Dobby cannot say, sir. Dobby only wants Harry Potter to be safe.
:'''Harry''': No, Dobby. Tell me. Who is it?
:''[Dobby hears someone coming. He snaps his fingers and vanishes into thin air.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[At the Dueling Club]''
:'''Lockhart''': Let me introduce my assistant... Professor Snape. ''[Snape grudgingly walks up onto the platform]'' He has sportingly agreed to help me with a short demonstration. Now, I don't want any of you youngsters to worry. You'll still have your Potions Master when I'm through with him! Never fear. ''[Lockhart and Snape approach each other, bow to each other, walk a fair distance apart and ready their wands.]'' One, two, three...
:'''Snape''': Expelliarmus!
:''[The spell blasts Lockhart across the room.]''
:'''Hermione''': ''[concerned]'' Do you think he's all right?
:'''Ron''': ''[laughs]'' Who cares?
:'''Lockhart''': An excellent idea to show them that, Professor Snape! But if you don't mind me saying, it was pretty obvious, uh, what you were about to do. And if I had wanted to stop you, it would have been only too easy.
:'''Snape''': ''[losing patience]'' Perhaps it would be prudent to first teach the students to block unfriendly spells, Professor?
:'''Lockhart''': An excellent suggestion, Professor Snape. Uh... Let's have a volunteer pair. Uh, Potter, Weasley. How about you?
:''[Harry walks to the platform steps]''
:'''Snape''': Weasley's wand causes devastation with the simplest spells. He'd be sending Potter to the hospital wing in a matchbox. Might I suggest someone from my ''own'' house? Malfoy, perhaps?
:[''Snape throws Malfoy onto the platform]''
:'''Lockhart''': Be careful, Potter.
:'''Harry''': Thank you.
:''[Harry and Malfoy meet in the center]''
:'''Lockhart''': Wands at the ready!
:''[They raise their wands as though they are fencing foils.'']
:'''Draco''': ''Scared'', Potter?
:'''Harry''': You wish.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Harry runs into the Gryffindor common room. Ron and Hermione follow him.]''
:'''Ron''': ''[Stops Harry]'' You're a Parselmouth? Why didn't you tell us?
:'''Harry''': ''[Confused]'' I'm a what?
:'''Hermione''': You can talk to snakes.
:'''Harry''': I know. I mean, I accidentally set a python on my cousin Dudley at the zoo once. Once. But so what? I bet loads of people here can do it.
:'''Hermione''': No, they can't. It's not a very common gift, Harry. This is bad.
:'''Harry''': What's bad? If I hadn't told that snake not to attack Justin&amp;ndash;
:'''Ron''': That's what you said to it!
:'''Harry''': You were there. You heard me.
:'''Ron''': I heard you speaking Parseltongue. Snake language.
:'''Harry''': ''[Surprised]'' I spoke a different language?
:''[Ron nods.]''
:'''Harry''': But I didn't realize&amp;ndash; How can I speak a language without knowing I can?
:'''Hermione''': I don't know, Harry, but it sounded like you were egging the snake on or something. Harry, listen to me. There's a reason the symbol of Slytherin house is a serpent. Salazar Slytherin was a Parselmouth. He could talk to snakes too.
:'''Ron''': Exactly. Now the whole school's gonna think you're his great-great-great grandson or something.
:'''Harry''': But I'm not! I can't be.
:'''Hermione''': He lived a thousand years ago. For all we know, you could be.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Using a Polyjuice Potion, Harry and Ron are now disguised as Goyle and Crabbe as they leave the 2nd floor girls' bathroom]''
:'''Harry [as Goyle]''': I think the Slytherin common room's this way.
:'''Ron [as Crabbe]''': Okay.
:''[Percy Weasley spots them]''
:'''Percy Weasley''': Excuse me!
:'''Ron [as Crabbe]''': What are you doing down- ''[Harry hits him; Ron clears his throat and speaks more authoritatively]'' I mean, what are you doing down here?
:'''Percy Weasley''': ''I'' happen to be a school Prefect. You, on the other hand, have no business wandering the corridors this time of night. What's your names again?
:''[Harry and Ron look at each other uncertainly]''
:'''Ron [as Crabbe]''': Uh...
:'''Harry [as Goyle]''': I'm...
:'''Draco''': ''[Rounding a corner]'' Crabbe! Goyle! Where have you two been? Pigging out in the Great Hall all this time? ''[looks oddly at Harry, who is still wearing his glasses'' Why are you wearing glasses?
:'''Harry [as Goyle]''': ''[Quickly removes his glasses]'' Um... Um... reading.
:'''Draco''': Reading? ''[Harry nods]'' I didn't know you could read. ''[Turns to Percy]'' And what are you doing down here, Weasley?
:'''Percy Weasley''': ''[sternly]'' Mind your attitude, Malfoy.
:''[Draco just smirks and walks off; Harry and Ron follow him to the Slytherin common room.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Draco''': ''[laying down on the couch]'' Well, sit down. ''[both Harry and Ron (disguised at Crabbe and Goyle) awkwardly sit down on the couch together]'' You'd never know the Weasleys were purebloods, the way they behave. They're an embarrassment to the wizarding world. All of them! ''[Ron clenches his fist angrily]'' What's wrong with you, Crabbe?
:'''Ron''': ''[gets nudged by Harry]'' Ahem... stomachache.
:'''Draco''': Y’know, I'm surprised that the ''Daily Prophet'' hasn't done a report on all these attacks. I suppose Dumbledore’s tryna hush it all up. Father always said Dumbledore was the worst thing that ever happened to this place.
:'''Harry''': You're wrong!
:'''Draco''': ''[sternly]'' What? ''[stands up]'' You think there's someone here who's ''worse'' than Dumbledore? ''[&quot;Goyle&quot; doesn't reply]'' Well? Do you?
:'''Harry''': ''[gulps]'' Harry Potter?
:''[Draco sits back on the couch, considering this]''
:'''Draco''': Good one, Goyle. You're absolutely right. ''Saint'' Potter. And people actually think that ''he's'' the Heir of Slytherin?
:'''Harry''': Well, then, you must have some idea who's behind it all.
:'''Draco''': You ''know'' I don't, Goyle. I told you yesterday. How many times do I have to tell you? ''[picks up a small box on the table and shakes it]'' Is this yours? ''[Harry shakes his head]'' But, my father did say this: It's been 50 years since the Chamber was opened. He wouldn't tell me who opened it, only they were expelled. The last time the Chamber of Secrets was opened, a Mudblood died. So, it's only a matter of time before one of them is killed this time. As for me... I hope it's Granger. ''[Ron tries to rush at him, but Harry stops him]'' What's the matter with you two? You're acting very... odd.
:'''Harry''': It's his stomachache.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harry''': It was Hagrid. Hagrid opened the Chamber of Secrets 50 years ago. 
:'''Hermione''': It can't be Hagrid. It just can't be.
:'''Ron''': We don't even know this Tom Riddle. He sounds like a dirty rotten snitch to me. 
:'''Harry''': The monster had killed somebody, Ron. What would any of us have done? 
:'''Hermione''': Look, Hagrid is our friend, so why don't we just go and ask him?
:'''Ron''': ''[Sarcastically]'' That will be a cheerful visit. &quot;Hello, Hagrid. Tell us, have you sent anything mad and hairy loose in the castle lately?&quot;
:'''Hagrid''': ''[Appears from behind]'' Mad and hairy? Yer wouldn't be talkin' about me, now would ya?
:'''Harry, Ron, and Hermione''': No!
:'''Harry''': ''[notices the canister of liquid Hagrid is carrying]'' What's that you've got, Hagrid? 
:'''Hagrid''': Oh, it's, uh, flesh-eatin’ slug repellent. For the mandrakes, y’know. Now, according to Professor Sprout, they’ve still got a bit of growin’ up to do. But, once their acne’s been cleared up, we’ll be able to chop ‘em up and stew ‘em, and then we’ll get those people down at the hospital un-Petrified. In the meantime, though, you three... had best be lookin’ after yourselves, all right? ''[turns and walks back where he came from; Neville starts running from in the direction Hagrid’s going]'' Hello, Neville. 
:'''Neville''': Harry, I don't know who did it, but you'd better come! Come on!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[In the Gryffindor common room, the Gryffindor students are talking with each other when McGonagall walks in holding a scroll.]''
:'''McGonagall''': Could I have your attention, please? Because of recent events, these new rules will be put into effect immediately. ''[Reads the scroll]'' &quot;All students will return to their house common rooms by 6:00 every evening. All students will be escorted to each lesson by a teacher. No exceptions.&quot; I should tell you this. Unless the culprit behind these attacks is caught, it is likely the school will be closed.
:''[McGonagall walks out. The students resume talking with each other. Harry turns to Ron.]''
:'''Harry''': We've got to talk to Hagrid, Ron. I can't believe it's him. But if he did set the monster loose last time, he'll know how to get inside the Chamber of Secrets. And that's a start.
:'''Ron''': But you heard McGonagall. We're not allowed to leave the tower except for class.
:'''Harry''': I think it's time to get my dad's old cloak out again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Hagrid is making tea when he hears a knock on his door.]''
:'''Hagrid''': ''[Points a crossbow]'' Who's there? ''[Kicks the door open and points the crossbow outside]'' Hello? Hello?
:''[Harry and Ron remove the Invisibility Cloak.]''
:'''Harry''': What's that for?
:'''Hagrid''': Oh, nothing. I was expecting. It doesn't matter. Come on in. I just made a pot of tea.
:''[Hagrid pours tea in a cup.]''
:'''Harry''': Hagrid, are you okay?
:'''Hagrid''': I'm fine. I'm alright.
:'''Harry''': Did you hear about Hermione?
:'''Hagrid''': Oh, yeah. I heard about that, alright.
:'''Harry''': Look, we have to ask you something.
:''[Harry, Ron, and Hagrid hear a knock on the door.]''
:'''Hagrid''': Quick, under the cloak. Don't say a word and be quiet, both of you.
:''[Harry and Ron go over to a corner. Ron throws the cloak over himself and Harry.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Hagrid is being arrested.]''
:'''Hagrid''': ''[Knowing that Harry and Ron are inside the hut, under the invisibility cloak]'' If... um... If anybody was looking for some stuff, then all they'd have to do would be to follow the spiders. Yep. That would lead ‘em right. That's all I have to say. Oh, and someone will need to feed Fang while I'm away.
:'''Fudge''': ''[To Fang]'' Good boy.
:''[Hagrid, Lucius, and Fudge leave. Harry and Ron remove the cloak of invisibility.]''
:'''Ron''': Hagrid's right. With Dumbledore gone, there'll be an attack a day.
:'''Harry''': Look. ''[Sees a trail of spiders on Hagrid's window]'' Come on. ''[Grabs a lantern]'' Come on, Fang. Come on.
:'''Ron''': What?
:'''Harry''': You heard what Hagrid said. &quot;Follow the spiders.&quot;
:'''Ron''': They're heading to the Dark Forest! ''[Harry ignores him]'' Why spiders? Why couldn't be &quot;follow the butterflies&quot;? ''[follows Harry out the door]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aragog''': Who is it?
:'''Harry''': ''[to a terrified Ron]'' Don't panic.
:'''Aragog''': Hagrid? Is that you?
:'''Harry''': We're friends of Hagrid. ''[A colossal, tarantula-like spider emerges]'' You... You're Aragog, aren't you?
:'''Aragog''': Yes. Hagrid has never sent men into our hollow before.
:'''Harry''': Well, he's in trouble. Up at the school, there have been attacks. They think it's Hagrid. They think he opened the Chamber of Secrets, like before. 
:'''Aragog''': That's a lie! Hagrid never opened the Chamber of Secrets.
:'''Harry''': Then you're not the monster?
:'''Aragog''': No. The monster was born in the castle. I came to Hagrid from a distant land, in the pocket of a traveler.
:'''Ron''': ''[notices other giant spiders around them and grabs Harry's jacket to get his attention, whimpering]'' Harry.
:'''Harry''': Shush. ''[to Aragog]'' Well, if you're not the monster, then what did kill that girl 50 years ago?
:'''Aragog''': We do not speak of it! It is an ancient creature that we spiders fear above all others.
:'''Harry''': But have you ''seen'' it?
:'''Aragog''': I never saw any part of the castle but the box in which Hagrid kept me. The girl was discovered in a bathroom. When I was accused, Hagrid brought me here.
:'''Ron''': ''[whimpers and grabs Harry's jacket again]'' Harry?
:'''Harry''': ''[irritated]'' What? ''[Ron points upwards in terror; giant spiders descend and surround them]'' ''[to Aragog]'' Well... thank you. We'll just go.
:'''Aragog''': Go? I think not. My sons and daughters do not harm Hagrid on my command, but I cannot deny them fresh meat when it wanders so willingly into our midst. Goodbye, friends of Hagrid.
:'''Ron''': ''[to Harry]'' Can we panic now? ''[the spiders move in for the attack]'' Know any spells?
:'''Harry''': One; but it's not powerful enough for all of them.
:'''Ron''': Where's Hermione when you need her? ''[the flying Ford Anglia suddenly appears]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harry''': ''[reads the paper from the book taken by Hermione]'' &quot;Of the many fearsome beasts that roam our land, none is more deadly than the basilisk. Capable of living for hundreds of years, instant death awaits any who meet this giant serpent's eye. Spiders flee before it.&quot; Ron, this is it. The monster in the Chamber of Secrets is a basilisk. That's why I can hear it speak. It's a snake.
:'''Ron''': But if it kills by looking people in the eye, why is it no one's dead?
:'''Harry''': Because no one did look it in the eye. Not directly, at least. Colin saw it through his camera. Justin; Justin must have seen the basilisk through Nearly Headless Nick. Nick got the full blast of it. But he's a ghost, he couldn't die again. And Hermione had the mirror. I bet you anything she was using it to look around corners in case it came along.
:'''Ron''': And Mrs. Norris? I'm pretty sure she didn't have a camera or a mirror, Harry.
:'''Harry''': The water. There was water on the floor that night. She only saw the basilisk's reflection. ''[reads again]'' &quot;Spiders flee before it.&quot; It all fits!
:'''Ron''': But how's a basilisk been getting around? A dirty, great snake. Someone would have seen it.
:'''Harry''': Hermione's answered that too.
:''[Harry and Ron read the last word on paper]''
:'''Ron''': &quot;Pipes?&quot; It's using the plumbing?!
:'''Harry''': Remember what Aragog said about that girl 50 years ago? She died in a bathroom? What if she never left?
:'''Ron''': ''[Realizes]'' Moaning Myrtle.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''McGonagall''': As you can see, the Heir of Slytherin has left another message. Our worst fear has been realized. A student has been taken by the monster into the Chamber itself! The students must be sent home. I'm afraid this is the end of Hogwarts.
:'''Lockhart''': ''[entering]'' So sorry. Dozed off. What have I missed?
:'''Snape''': A girl has been snatched by the monster, Lockhart. Your moment has come at last.
:'''Lockhart''': ''My'' moment?
:'''Snape''': Weren't you saying just last night that you've known all along where the entrance to the Chamber of Secrets is?
:''[Lockhart doesn't answer]''
:'''McGonagall''': That's settled. We'll leave you to deal with the monster, Gilderoy. Your skills, after all, are legend.
:'''Lockhart''': Very well. I'll just be in my office getting... getting ready.
:'''Poppy Pomfrey''': Who is it that the monster's taken, Minerva?
:'''McGonagall''': Ginny Weasley.
:''[Harry and Ron are shocked and read the message written in blood on the wall]''
:'''Ron''': ''[reads it]'' &quot;Her skeleton will lie in the Chamber forever&quot;. Ginny...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Harry and Ron run into the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom.]''
:'''Harry''': Lockhart may be useless, but he's going to try and get into the Chamber. At least we can tell him what we know!
:''[they run into Lockhart's office]'' Professor, we have some information for you. ''[but they find him packing some trunks for a hasty retreat.]'' Are you going somewhere?
:'''Lockhart''': ''[Nervously]'' Um, well, yes. Um, urgent call, unavoidable. Gotta go.
:'''Ron''': What about my sister?
:'''Lockhart''': Well, as to that, most unfortunate. No one regrets more than I.
:'''Ron''': You're the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher! You can't go now.
:'''Lockhart''': Well, I must say, when I took the job, there was nothing in the job description... ''[tries to run out the door, but Harry blocks him.]''
:'''Harry''': You're running away, after all that stuff you did in your books?
:'''Lockhart''': Books can be misleading.
:'''Harry''': You wrote them!
:'''Lockhart''': My dear boy, do use your common sense? My books wouldn't have sold half as well if people didn't think I'd done all those things.
:'''Harry''': ''[Realizing, outraged]'' You're a fraud. You've just been taking credit for what other wizards have done.
:'''Ron''': Is there anything you ''can'' do? 
:'''Lockhart''': Yes. Now that you mention it, I'm rather gifted with Memory Charms. Otherwise, you see, all those wizards would have gone blabbing, and I'd never have sold another book. In fact, I'm going to have to do the same to you. ''[grabs his wand, only to have Harry and Ron aim theirs at him.]''
:'''Harry''': Don't even think about it.
:''[Ron motions for Lockhart to drop his wand. Lockhart drops his wand.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harry:''' It's a snake skin.
:'''Ron:''' Bloody hell. Whoever shed this must be 60 feet long, or more. ''[Lockhart pretends to pass out. Ron notices.]'' Heart of a lion, this one.
:'''Lockhart:''' ''[jumps up and grabs Ron's wand; aims the wand at Harry, then at Ron, then at Harry again]'' The adventure ends here, boys. But don't fret. ''[points it at Ron]'' The world will know our story. How I was too late to save the girl. How you two tragically lost your minds at the sight of her mangled body. So... ''[aims it at Harry]'' You first, Mr. Potter. Say goodbye... to your memories. '''Obliviate!'''
:''[Lockhart is blasted into the ceiling by the spell, having used Ron's broken wand for the job, causing a cave-in that separates Harry from him and Ron.]''
:'''Ron:''' Harry?! Harry!
:'''Harry:''' Ron! Ron, are you okay?!
:'''Ron:''' I'm fine!
:'''Lockhart:''' ''[sits up and grins at Ron]'' Hello. Who are you?
:'''Ron:''' Uh, Ron Weasley.
:'''Lockhart:''' Really? And, um, who-who am I?
:'''Ron:''' ''[to Harry]'' Lockhart's Memory Charm backfired! He hasn't got a clue who he is!
:'''Lockhart:''' It's an odd sort of place, isn't it? ''[picks up a rock]'' Do you live here?
:'''Ron:''' ''[takes the rock from Lockhart, confused]'' No.
:'''Lockhart:''' Really?
:''[Ron hits Lockhart on the head with the rock, knocking him out.]''
:'''Ron:''' What do I do now?
:'''Harry:''' You wait here and try to shift some of this rock so we can get back through. I'll go on and find Ginny.
:'''Ron:''' Okay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Harry has just entered the Chamber of Secrets. He see Ginny Weasley lying motionless at the end of the chamber.]''
:'''Harry:''' Ginny. ''[Runs to her]'' Ginny. Ginny. Please don't be dead. Wake up. Wake up!
:'''Tom Riddle:''' ''[suddenly appears out of nowhere]'' She won't wake.
:'''Harry:''' Tom? Tom Riddle? What do you mean she won't wake? She's not...?
:'''Tom Riddle:''' She's still alive, but only just.
:'''Harry:''' Are you a ghost?
:'''Tom Riddle:''' A memory, preserved in a diary for fifty years.
:'''Harry:''' ''[touches her hand]'' She's cold as ice. Ginny, please don't be dead. Wake up. ''[Tom picks up Harry's wand]'' You've got to help me, Tom. There's a basilisk--
:'''Tom Riddle:''' It won't come until it's called.
:'''Harry:''' Give me my wand, Tom.
:'''Tom Riddle:''' You won't be needing it.
:'''Harry:''' Listen, we've got to go, we've got to save her!
:'''Tom Riddle:''' I'm afraid I can't do that. You see, as poor Ginny grows weaker... I grow stronger. Yes, Harry. It was Ginny Weasley who opened the Chamber of Secrets.  ''[flashback of Ginny watching the Chamber's entrance in the toilets open]''
:'''Harry:''' No. She couldn't. I mean, she wouldn't!
:'''Tom Riddle:''' It was Ginny who set the basilisk on the mudbloods and Filch's cat. It was Ginny who wrote the threatening messages on the walls. ''[flashback of Ginny writing the massages]''
:'''Harry:''' But why?
:'''Tom Riddle:''' Because I told her to. You'll find I can be very... persuasive. Not that she knew what she was doing. She was in, shall we say, a kind of trance. Still, the power of the diary began to scare her, and she tried to dispose of it in the girl's bathroom. ''[flashback of Ginny running into a toilet cubicle and throwing the diary into the toilet]'' And then who should find it... but you? The very person I was most anxious to meet.
:'''Harry:''' And why did you want to meet me?
:'''Tom Riddle:''' I knew I had to talk to you, meet you if I could. So I decided to show you my capture of that brainless oaf, Hagrid, to gain your trust.
:'''Harry:''' ''[angrily]'' Hagrid's my friend! And you framed him, didn't you?
:'''Tom Riddle:''' It was my word against Hagrid's. Only Dumbledore seemed to think he was innocent.
:'''Harry:''' ''[smiling]'' I bet Dumbledore saw right through you.
:'''Tom Riddle:''' He certainly kept an ''annoyingly'' close watch on me after that. I knew it wouldn't be safe to open the Chamber again while I was still at school, so I decided to leave behind a diary; preserving my sixteen year-old self in its pages so that one day, I would be able to lead another to finish Salazar Slytherin's noble work.
:'''Harry:''' Well, you haven't finished it this time. In a few hours, the mandrake draught will be ready and everyone who was Petrified will be all right again.
:'''Tom Riddle:''' Haven't I told you? Killing mudbloods doesn't matter to me anymore. For many months now, my new target... has been ''you''. How is it that a baby with no extraordinary magical talent was able to defeat the greatest wizard of all time? How did you escape, with nothing but a scar, while Lord Voldemort's powers were destroyed?
:'''Harry:''' Why do you care how I escaped? Voldemort was after your time.
:'''Tom Riddle''': Voldemort... is my past, present, and future. ''[uses Harry's wand to write his full name in midair: TOM MARVOLO RIDDLE. He slashes the wand and the letters rearrange to become I AM LORD VOLDEMORT, before they fade]''
:'''Harry:''' ''[stunned]'' You. You're the heir of Slytherin. You're Voldemort.
:'''Tom Riddle:''' Surely, you didn't ''think'' I was going to keep my filthy Muggle father's name? No. I fashioned myself a new name. A name I knew wizards everywhere would one day fear to speak, when I became the greatest sorcerer in the world!
:'''Harry:''' ''Albus Dumbledore'' is the greatest sorcerer in the world!
:'''Tom Riddle:''' Dumbledore's been driven out of this castle by the ''mere memory'' of me!
:'''Harry:''' He'll never be gone! Not as long as those who remain are loyal to him! ''[Fawkes suddenly enters the chamber]'' Fawkes? ''[Fawkes drops the Sorting Hat to Harry and leaves]''
:'''Tom Riddle:''' So... this is what Dumbledore sends his great defender: a songbird and an old hat. ''[turns to the statue of Salazar Slytherin and speaks in Parseltongue, subtitled]'' ''Speak to me, Slytherin, greatest of the Hogwarts Four.'' ''[The statue's mouth begins to open]'' Let's match the power of Lord Voldemort, Heir of Slytherin, against the famous Harry Potter. ''[The basilisk's snout emerges from the mouth; Harry turns and runs as the creature fully emerges]'' ''[in Parseltongue, subtitled]'' ''Kill him!'' ''[to Harry]'' Parseltongue won't save you now, Potter! It only obeys me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lucius Malfoy''': The culprit has been identified, I presume?
:'''Dumbledore''': Oh, yes.
:'''Lucius Malfoy''': And...? Who was it?
:'''Dumbledore''': ''[after exchanging a look with Harry]'' Voldemort.
:'''Lucius Malfoy''': Ah.
:'''Dumbledore''': Only this time, he chose to act through somebody else... by means of this. ''[He holds up Tom Riddle's diary; which Lucius had slipped into Ginny's cauldron. Dobby tugs Harry's sleeve uneasily and looks over at Lucius.]''
:'''Lucius''': I see.
:'''Dumbledore''': Fortunately, our young Mr. Potter discovered it. One hopes that no more of Voldemort's old school things should find their way into innocent hands. The consequences for the one responsible would be... ''severe''.
:'''Lucius Malfoy:''' Well... let us hope that Mr. Potter will always be around to save the day.
:'''Harry:''' Don't worry. I will be.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harry:''' Mr. Malfoy. Mr. Malfoy! ''[Lucius turns around]'' I have something of yours. ''[Hands him the diary]''
:'''Lucius Malfoy:''' Mine? I don't know what you're talking about.
:'''Harry:''' Oh, I think you do, sir. I think you slipped the diary into Ginny Weasley's cauldron, that day at Diagon Alley.
:'''Lucius Malfoy:''' You do, do you? ''[Hands the diary to Dobby]'' Well...''[Whispers]'' why don't you ''prove'' it? ''[Harry doesn't answer because he just did]'' Come, Dobby.
:'''Harry:''' ''[Whispers to Dobby]'' Open it.
:''[Dobby opens Tom Riddle's Diary to find a folded sock inside.]''
:'''Lucius Malfoy:''' Dobby?
:'''Dobby:''' Master has given Dobby a sock.
:'''Lucius Malfoy:''' What? ''[Turns around]'' I didn't give-
:'''Dobby:''' ''[Holding the sock in delight]'' Master has presented Dobby with clothes! Dobby is free!
:''[Harry pulls up his pant leg, revealing it was his sock]''
:'''Lucius Malfoy:''' ''[Furious]'' You lost me my '''SERVANT!''' ''[Pulls his wand from his cane and points it directly at Harry. Dobby then stands in his way]''
:'''Dobby:''' You shall ''not'' harm Harry Potter!
:'''Lucius Malfoy:''' ''[About to curse Harry]'' ''Avada'' &amp;ndash; ''[Dobby blasts him backwards across the hall; Lucius stands]'' Your parents were meddlesome fools, too. Mark my words, Potter. One day soon, you're going to meet the same, ''sticky'' end. ''[Walks away]''
:'''Dobby''': Harry Potter freed Dobby. How can Dobby ever repay him?
:'''Harry''': Just promise me something.
:'''Dobby''': Anything, sir.
:'''Harry''': ''Never'' try to save my life again.
:''[Dobby grins sheepishly]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[last lines]''
:''[In the Great Hall, Dumbledore stands in his seat]''
: '''Dumbledore:''' Ladies and gentlemen, before we begin our feast, let us applaud Professor Sprout and Madame Pomfrey whose Mandrake Juice has been successfully administered to all those who had been petrified. Thank you, professors.
:''[Everyone praises Madame Pomfrey and Professor Sprout, sans Malfoy and his gang, and most of the Slytherins. Malfoy scowls bitterly]''
:'''Dumbledore:''' Also, in light of recent events, as a school treat...all exams have been cancelled!
:''[The students cheer wildly, except Hermione, who was disgusted by this. As Dumbledore resumes in his seat, McGonagall smiles at him]''
:'''Dumbledore:''' ''[chuckles]'' I've always wanted to say that.
:''[Just then the doors open as Hagrid walks in, to the surprise of Harry, Ron, and Hermione]''
:'''Hagrid:''' ''[as he enters the Great Hall, shocking everyone]'' Sorry I'm late. The owl delivering my release papers got all lost and confused. Some ruddy bird named Errol. ''[pause]'' I just want to say... that if it wasn't for you, Harry... you and Ron... and Hermione...Well, I'll be still, you know where, so...I just want to say...thanks.
:'''Harry:''' ''[smiling]'' There's no Hogwarts without you Hagrid. 
:''[Everyone in the Great Hall celebrates except the students of the Slytherin house and Snape. Hermione and Harry glance at each other as they applaud]''
:'''Hermione:''' ''[as she claps]'' Your aunt and uncle would be proud of you. Wouldn't they?
:'''Harry:''' ''[as he claps]'' Proud? ''[chuckles]'' They'll be furious!
:''[Harry and Hermione laugh together as they join the celebration. Meanwhile, the camera moves back through a glass window and shows Hogwarts at night before the screen fades to black]''

==Taglines==
* The Second Year Begins
* Hogwarts is Back in Session
* Dobby Has Come to Warn You, Sir
* Something Evil Has Returned to Hogwarts
* The Chamber of Secrets has been opened. Enemies of the heir...beware!
* The Chamber of Secrets has indeed been opened

==Cast==
* [[Daniel Radcliffe]] - [[w:Harry Potter (character)|Harry James Potter]]
* [[w:Rupert Grint|Rupert Grint]] - [[w:Ron Weasley|Ronald Bilius Weasley]]
* [[Emma Watson]] - [[w:Hermione Granger|Hermione Jean Granger]]
* [[w:Richard Harris|Richard Harris]] - [[w:Albus Dumbledore|Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore]]
* [[w:Tom Felton|Tom Felton]] - [[w:Draco Lucius Malfoy|Draco Lucius Malfoy]]
* [[w:Christian Coulson|Christian Coulson]] - [[w:Lord Voldemort|Tom Marvolo Riddle]]
* [[Alan Rickman]] - [[w:Severus Snape|Severus Snape]]
* [[w:Maggie Smith|Maggie Smith]] - [[w:Minerva McGonagall|Minerva McGonagall]]
* [[w:Robbie Coltrane|Robbie Coltrane]] - [[w:Rubeus Hagrid|Rubeus Hagrid]]
* [[Bonnie Wright]] - [[w:Ginny Weasley|Ginevra Molly Weasley]]
* [[w:Kenneth Branagh|Kenneth Branagh]] - [[w:Gilderoy Lockhart|Gilderoy Lockhart]]
* [[w:Julian Glover|Julian Glover]] - [[w:Aragog|Aragog]]
* [[w:Mark Williams|Mark Williams]] - [[w:Arthur Weasley|Arthur Weasley]]
* [[w:Toby Jones|Toby Jones]] - [[w:Dobby the house-elf|Dobby the house-elf]]
* [[w:Shirley Henderson|Shirley Henderson]] - Moaning Myrtle
* [[John Cleese]] - Nearly Headless Nick

==External links==
{{Wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0295297|title=Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=harry_potter_and_the_chamber_of_secrets|title=Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets}}
* The Official [http://harrypotter.warnerbros.com/ ''Harry Potter''] Site

{{Harry Potter}}
[[Category:2002 films]]
[[Category:Films based on novels]]
[[Category:Fantasy films]]
[[Category:Elf films]]
[[Category:Films set in schools]]
[[Category:Sequel films]]
[[Category:Films directed by Chris Columbus]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Yi-Fu Tuan</title>
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      <text bytes="7948" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Yi-Fu Tuan-Festival international de géographie 2012 (2).jpg|thumb|Yi-Fu Tuan]]

'''[[w:Yi-Fu Tuan|Yi-Fu Tuan]]''' ([[5 December]] [[1930]] – [[10 August]] [[2022]]) was a Chinese-American writer and geographer.

==Quotes==
* In contrast to the flux and muddle of life, art is clarity and enduring presence. In the stream of life, few things are perceived clearly because few things stay put. Every mood or emotion is mixed or diluted by contrary and extraneous elements. The clarity of art—the precise evocation of mood in the novel, or of summer twilight in a painting—is like waking to a bright landscape after a long fitful slumber, or the fragrance of chicken soup after a week of head cold.
** ''Passing Strange and Wonderful: Aesthetics, Nature, and Culture'', ch. 10 (1993).

* [[America]] is a much newer experiment in human living, one with moral concerns at its core. In this respect it differs from Europe, which has preferred sophistication and worldly wisdom to &quot;righteousness,&quot; and resembles [[China]], which saw the universe itself as essentially a moral order. However materialistic Americans may be in their economic pursuits, their ceremonies emphasize the material far less than European societies have. America has imposing official architecture. Washington, D.C., boasts a radial baroque stateliness. Yet one of its most important buildings, the White House, is a modest dwelling, its scale far smaller than that of the palaces of Europe and Asia.
** ''Shadows and Light'', epilogue, ''Passing Strange and Wonderful: Aesthetics, Nature, and Culture'' (1993).

* Young children distinguish between good people and bad people, but, unless explicitly taught, they do not distinguish between foreigner and native.
** ''Humanist Geography: An Individual's Search for Meaning'', p. 13 (2012). 

*...the Oxford system, which did not require students to take set courses or be tested except at the end of three years, encouraged them to read widely, attend public lectures on all sorts of subjects, and above all, talk to one another in small gatherings until dawn breaks or until they ran out of shillings to put in the gas meter. Without knowing it I acquired a well-rounded, if undisciplined, liberal arts education.
** ''Humanist Geography: An Individual's Search for Meaning'', p. 15 (2012).

* Unlike a small village, the city speaks loud and clear of history, of being the terminus of a long, cumulative process.
** ''Humanist Geography: An Individual's Search for Meaning'', p. 19 (2012).

*Children learn early in life that they cannot always count on their parents’ attention much less their smiles, a lesson in human unpredictability that has to be learned over and over again.
** ''Humanist Geography: An Individual's Search for Meaning'', p. 28 (2012).

*for humans, no matter what the warmth and duration of human contact and what the size of the group, a periodic sense of isolation is inescapable; it is no less than the human condition.
** ''Humanist Geography: An Individual's Search for Meaning'', p. 43 (2012).

*The ease with which a man can lose his sense of self-worth and fall into the pit of self-abasement is a deeply disturbing psychological fact. Asymmetry of power doesn’t have to be extreme for it to happen. All that is required is for it to seem implacable.
** ''Humanist Geography: An Individual's Search for Meaning'', p. 59 (2012).

*Only God creates ex nihilo. Humans can only create out of something that already exists, which means there has to be an earlier destruction phase.
** ''Humanist Geography: An Individual's Search for Meaning'', p. 61 (2012).

* Ideally, society is a dance, and every society has its own choreography that is passed down the generations.
** ''Humanist Geography: An Individual's Search for Meaning'', p. 72 (2012).

*At the highest level of achievement, classical music has the feel of an intimate conversation between two individuals and a mass celebration of our common humanity.
** ''Humanist Geography: An Individual's Search for Meaning'', p. 84 (2012).

* Stars define civilization, as no single natural feature on Earth--tree, rock, stream, or mountain--can be said to define cultures.
** ''Humanist Geography: An Individual's Search for Meaning'', p. 87 (2012).

* Words designate, but they also evoke a sense of something, and, when they do, they function as metaphors. ...Metaphors enrich life, making it more vivid.
** ''Humanist Geography: An Individual's Search for Meaning'', p. 94 (2012).

* We may speak loosely of a ‘sense of time,’ but there is no such sensory organ. Time is something we experience and construct. Time is experienced--is felt--when we wait, expect, or hope.
** ''Humanist Geography: An Individual's Search for Meaning'', p. 100 (2012).

* To forgive is to erase a past, depriving it of its power to stain the present.
** ''Humanist Geography: An Individual's Search for Meaning'', p. 108 (2012).

* We have no trouble naming the basic physical needs of food, shelter, and sex, nor the basic social needs of care, respect, and love. Can there also be a spiritual need that goes beyond even love as it is commonly understood to something for which the words that most readily come to mind are goodness, the Good, or God? Absent food, shelter, and sex, we die. Absent care, respect, and love, we live--barely. Absent that deep and insatiable spiritual yearning for the Good that certain stories and fables prefigure? We live, and indeed we may live well, in full, societal approbation and self-congratulatory glow, except, perhaps, in those uncanny moments--the sudden chill in the air, a pinched feeling in the heart, or even a stumble over the curb that reminds us of the abyss beneath the pavement on which we so unconcernedly walk.
** ''Humanist Geography: An Individual's Search for Meaning'', p. 113 (2012).

* People who have ‘music’ in their souls are fun to be with.
** ''Humanist Geography: An Individual's Search for Meaning'', p. 114 (2012).

* If each person can achieve greatness, so can each fall into baseness.
** ''Humanist Geography: An Individual's Search for Meaning'', p. 120 (2012).

* Experience takes time and calls for patience.
** ''Humanist Geography: An Individual's Search for Meaning'', p. 129 (2012).

* We think of the house as home and place, but enchanted images of the past are evoked not so much by the entire building, which can only be seen, as by its components and furnishings, which can be touched and smelled as well: the attic and the cellar, the fireplace and the bay window, the hidden corners, a stool, a gilded mirror, a chipped shelf.
** ''Space and Place: The Perspective of Experience''
* The world feels spacious and friendly when it accommodates our desires, and cramped when it frustrates them.
** ''Space and Place: The Perspective of Experience''
* Freedom implies space; it means having the power and enough room in which to act.
** ''Space and Place: The Perspective of Experience''
* The word routine suggests the humdrum and the inconsequential; however, unlike the routines of workplace and office, those of home are not inconsequential for they're dictated by the cyclical requirements of biological life.
** ''Home as Elsewhere''

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commons category}}
*[http://www.yifutuan.org Yi-Fu Tuan's official website].
*[http://www.geography.wisc.edu/faculty/emeritus.html Yi-Fu Tuan's homepage] at the University of Wisconsin-Madison.
*[http://www.jsonline.com/story/index.aspx?id=623819 Milwaukee Journal Sentinel article] about the Professor from June 24th, 2007.

{{DEFAULTSORT:Tuan, Yi-Fu}}
[[Category:1930 births]]
[[Category:2022 deaths]]
[[Category:Academics from the United States]]
[[Category:Geographers from the United States]]
[[Category:Educators from the United States]]
[[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]]
[[Category:Immigrants to the United States]]
[[Category:Academics from China]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Gilmore Girls/Season 3</title>
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'''''[[w:Gilmore Girls|Gilmore Girls]]''''' (2000–2007) is a dramatic television show, created by [[Amy Sherman-Palladino|Amy Sherman-Palladino]], centering around the relationship between a single mother and her daughter in a small Connecticut town.

''See the [[Talk:Gilmore Girls|discussion]] page for suggested formatting and inclusion guidelines.''

*[[Gilmore Girls/Season 1|Season 1]]; [[Gilmore Girls/Season 2|Season 2]]; [[Gilmore Girls/Season 3|Season 3]]; [[Gilmore Girls/Season 4|Season 4]]; [[Gilmore Girls/Season 5|Season 5]]; [[Gilmore Girls/Season 6|Season 6]]; [[Gilmore Girls/Season 7|Season 7]]

__TOC__

== Season 3 ==
=== ''Those Lazy-Hazy-Crazy-Days'' [3.01] ===
 
:'''[[w:Lorelai Gilmore|Lorelai]]''': Hey Rory, I don't want you to freeze out your dad because I am.
:'''[[w:Rory Gilmore|Rory]]''': I'm not.
:'''Lorelai''': Because I'm fine if you want to go back to the way things were.
:'''Rory''': I think that would be a little hard this time.
:'''Lorelai''': OK ,maybe not now, but eventually.
:'''Rory''': Eventually maybe, but for now, Solidarity, sister.
:'''Lorelai''': [[w:Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood|Ya-Ya]]!
:'''Rory''': You've been waiting 6 weeks to do that, haven't you?
:'''Lorelai''': Ya-Ya!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paris Geller|Paris]]''': What if I fall for him but he doesn't like me?
:'''Rory''': You'll find someone else.
:'''Paris''': What if there is no one else?
:'''Rory''': Then you'll buy some cats.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jamie''': So where's Paris?
:'''Rory''': Not quite sure. Last time I saw her she was beating the will to live out of our nation's representatives.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lorelai''': I'm lying in bed and I'm sleeping and I'm wearing this fabulous nightgown, and like thirty alarm clocks go off, and so I get out of bed and I walk downstairs, and there, standing in the kitchen, is Luke!
:'''Rory''': Was he naked?
:'''Lorelai''': No! He was making breakfast.
:'''Rory''': Naked?
:'''Lorelai''': Okay, you've been in Washington way too long.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Rory sees Jess and a girl making out against a tree.]''
:'''Rory''': Oh, God!
:'''Lorelai''': What is it?
:'''Rory''': It's THAT.
:'''Lorelai''': Jess?
:'''Rory''': Yes.
:'''Lorelai''': You're upset about Jess?
:'''Rory''': I said &quot;yes&quot;!
:'''Lorelai''': Yes, it's Jess?
:'''Rory''': You're not being funny!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paris''': I can’t do this.
:'''Rory''': What?
:'''Paris''': Date. I can’t date. I’m not genetically set up for it.
:'''Rory''': Not true.
:'''Paris''': I get no pleasure out of the prospect or the preparation. I’m covered in hives, I’ve showered four times, and for what? Some guy who doesn’t even have the brains to buy a [[w:Zagat Survey|Zagat]] so we don’t wind up in a restaurant that’s really just a front for a cocaine laundering ring?

=== ''Haunted Leg'' [3.02] ===

:'''[[w:Lorelai Gilmore|Lorelai]]''': All right, you got home too late last night and I didn’t get a chance to talk to you. 
:'''[[w:Rory Gilmore|Rory]]''': I got home at ten and you were already asleep. 
:'''Lorelai''': Well, I was trying to watch [[w:Legend of Bagger Vance|The Legend of Bagger Vance]] again. 
:'''Rory''': Okay, what did I miss? 
:'''Lorelai''': Okay. Kirk asked me out. 
:'''Rory''': Shut up! 
:'''Lorelai''': Yesterday he came to the inn and asked me to dinner. 
:'''Rory''': That’s so sweet. 
:'''Lorelai''': Sweet? 
:'''Rory''': You should wear your dress with the ponies on it. I bet he likes ponies. 
:'''Lorelai''': Rory, I cannot go out with Kirk.
:'''Rory''': Why?
:'''Lorelai''': Uh huh. . .why? He's. . .he's Kirk!
:'''Rory''': Well, as long as he loves you.
:'''Lorelai''': You are not serious.
:'''Rory''': I just want you to be happy.
:'''Lorelai''':: Hello Headmaster Charleston, this is my stepfather Kirk. Please don't make any sudden movements, he's a fear biter.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lorelai''': My life stinks. Hey, let's look into each other's eyes and say &quot;I wish I were you&quot; at exactly the same time — maybe we'll pull a ''[[w:Freaky Friday|Freaky Friday]]''.
:'''Rory''': Or we can just pretend that we did and you can go around acting really immature. Oh, wait…
:'''Lorelai''': I can't believe you won't switch bodies with me.
:'''Rory''': Forget it. Then I'd have to date Kirk.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lorelai''': Oh my God.
:'''[[w:Emily Gilmore|Emily]]''': Reading in front of other people is extremely rude, Lorelai.
:'''Lorelai''': Shauna Christy shot her husband.
:'''Emily''': What?
:'''Lorelai''': Shauna Christy, you remember Shauna Christy.
:'''Emily''': Yes I remember Shauna Christy, she was a lovely girl.
:'''Lorelai''': Well apparently this lovely girl came home to find her husband giving a nice little bonus package to the maid. And they say good help is hard to find.
:'''Emily''': That's just gossip.
:'''Lorelai''': Gossip? The man was shot 35 times! He looks like a sprinkler system!
:'''Emily''': I can’t believe this. Shauna was always such a nice girl. She was bright, cultured, well-spoken. 
:'''Lorelai''': And apparently a big [[w:Annie Oakley|Annie Oakley]] fan. 
:'''Emily''': This is not funny, the woman committed a crime. 
:'''Lorelai''': Okay, fine. 
:'''Emily''': This is a tragedy. 
:'''Lorelai''': My bad, sorry. 
:'''Emily''': A man is dead, a young woman ruined. 
:'''Lorelai''': Consider the subject dropped. 
:'''Emily''': At least she had a husband to kill. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:[''Rory's bedroom - Rory wakes up and sees Lorelai sitting in a chair staring at her''] 
:'''Rory''': How long have you been sitting there? 
:'''Lorelai''': Not long. An hour. . .and a half. 
:'''Rory''': Why? 
:'''Lorelai''': Because. 
:'''Rory''': 'Cause why? 
:'''Lorelai''': Because today is the last first day of high school you’re ever gonna have. 
:'''Rory''': You’re insane. 
:'''Lorelai''': I’m not insane, I’m just sentimental, and you’re grown. 
:'''Rory''': I’m not grown. 
:'''Lorelai''': Yes, you are, you’re all grown up and soon you’ll be going off into the world. 
:'''Rory''': Not yet. 
:'''Lorelai''': But soon. And after you spread those wings and fly away, I won’t have the opportunity to give you this. 
:[''Lorelai hands her a piece of paper''] 
:'''Rory''': What is it? 
:'''Lorelai''': It’s your bill. 
:'''Rory''': My what? 
:'''Lorelai''': Yeah. I’ve been crunching the numbers, you know, adding up what you’ve cost me over the years – raising you, clothing you, feeding you, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. 
:'''Rory''': Mmhmm. 
:'''Lorelai''': Yes, I’ve itemized everything here by years and income ratio. I thought you could factor it into your student loan. 
:'''Rory''': Oh boy. 
:'''Lorelai''': One thing that’s painfully obvious here – you’ve used an extraordinary number of diapers. 
:'''Rory''': I’m gonna go take a shower. 
:'''Lorelai''': Really, it’s cost a fortune. What were you using all those diapers for? 
:'''Rory''': I was building my ‘make Mommy go away’ castle. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rory''': I could care less about you and Shane.
:'''Jess''': Good.
:'''Rory''': It just surprised me that's all.
:'''Jess''': Why?
:'''Rory''': Because.
:'''Jess''': Because why?
:'''Rory''': Because of what happened at Sookie's Wedding.
:'''Jess''': Ah.
:'''Rory''': So me coming back here and seeing you with Shane kind a threw me a bit.
:'''Jess''': I'm sorry, did I hear from you at all this summer? Did I happen to miss the thousands of phone calls you made to me or did the postman lose the letters you sent to me? You kiss me, tell me not to say anything, very flattering by the way. You go off to Washington and then nothing and you're all put out 'cause I didn't sit here and wait for you like Dean would have done. Oh yeah, what about Dean? Are you still with him? Because last time I checked you were and I haven't heard anything to the contrary. Plus the two of you walking around the other day like a damn Annie Hardy movie, it seemed to me like you were pretty together. I half expected you to break into a bar and put on a show.
:'''Rory''': When did you see me with Dean?
:'''Jess''': At that summer insanity thing the town put on.
:'''Rory''': I'm surprised that you could see anything with Shane's head plastered to your face.
:'''Jess''': You didn't answer me.
:'''Rory''': About what?
:'''Jess''': Did you call me at all?
:'''Rory''': No.
:'''Jess''': Did you send me a letter?
:'''Rory''': No.
:'''Jess''': A postcard?
:'''Rory''': No.
:'''Jess''': Smoke signal?
:'''Rory''': Stop!
:'''Jess''': A nice fruit basket?
:'''Rory''': Enough.
:'''Jess''': Are you still with Dean? Come on Rory, yes or no? Are you still with Dean? 
:'''Rory''': Yes I'm still with Dean! Yes. 
:'''Jess''': Glad to hear it. 
:'''Rory''': Glad to tell you.
:'''Jess''': See ya around. 
:'''Rory''': Whatever. 
:'''Jess''': Right back at you.

=== ''Application Anxiety'' [3.03] ===

:'''[[w:Lorelai Gilmore|Lorelai]]''': Well, we spent the first ten minutes on him bugging me to volunteer for more stuff at school, or in lieu of that to make a donation to build the new basketball court, and then another couple of minutes of me convincing him that what sounded like me going &quot;Ha!&quot; was really me clearing my throat, but after that we had a very pleasant, productive conversation.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Rory Gilmore|Rory]]''': He's going to be expecting Chilton High School senior, Trixie McBimbo.
:'''Lorelai''': And her mother, Bambi McBimbo.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lorelai''': State your full name. Better not get that one wrong, and nickname if any.
:'''Rory''': That would be Rory.
:'''Lorelai''': Or droopy drawers.
:'''Rory''': That was never my nickname.
:'''Lorelai''': Wrong! I called you that as a baby.
:'''Rory''': What?
:'''Lorelai''': That's right. Once you had these little Oshkosh cords and they were way to big. Once at the mall they fell right down to your knees and I said &quot;Whoa there droopy drawers&quot;. I'm just afraid if we don't answer every thing accurately the Harvard police will come and hit you with an Atlas and say something mean in Latin.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Luke Danes|Luke]]''': You wanna open the soda shop in the space next to the diner?
:'''Taylor''': It’s the only one that’s appropriate.
:'''Luke''': Taylor, no. No, no, no, and every day from now on 'til the end of my life, I am gonna come in here and say, &quot;Taylor, no!&quot; And when I die, I’m gonna have them freeze me next to [[w:Ted Williams|Ted Williams]], and when they find the cure to what I died of and they unfreeze me, my first words are gonna be, &quot;How’s Ted?&quot;, followed closely by, &quot;Taylor, no!&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lorelai''': Hey, maybe instead of going to college, you should drop out and I could quit my job and we can form an all-girl band with Lane, you know, like [[w:Bananarama|Bananarama]]. We could call it Tangerinarama or Banana-fana-fo-fana-rama. . .or something.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Luke''': What’s that, a toy?
:'''Miss Patty''': Oh, it’s awfully cute.
:'''[[w:Taylor Doose|Taylor]]''': That is a professionally manufactured diorama of the proposed business.
:'''Rory''': Wow, there’s little people and everything.
:'''[[w:Sookie St. James|Sookie]]''': They look so real.
:'''Jackson''': Hey, it’s me holding a tiny zucchini!
:'''Lorelai''': Look at the horse drawn carriage.
:'''Taylor''': My thought was to park it out front with the name of the business painted on the side. It’s very eighteen-hundreds.
:'''Babette''': The horse is taller than the front door.
:'''Lorelai''': Way taller.
:'''Luke''': What are you up to, Taylor? Are you breeding giant horses?
:'''Taylor''': It’s slightly out of proportion.
:'''Babette''': Slightly? That little guy there could walk right under the horse without even ducking.

=== ''One's Got Class and the Other One Dyes'' [3.04] ===

:'''[[w:Lorelai Gilmore|Lorelai]]''': So, I think I'm in touch with the other side.
:'''[[w:Rory Gilmore|Rory]]''': The other side of…
:'''Lorelai''': The other side.
:'''Rory''': With Republicans?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lorelai pulls a shirt from Luke's closet.]''
:'''Lorelai''': Oh my God.
:'''[[w:Luke Danes|Luke]]''': What?
:'''Lorelai''': [[w:Jimmy Buffett|Jimmy Buffett]]?
:'''Luke''': Put that back.
:'''Lorelai''': You like Jimmy Buffett? He's so mellow.
:'''Luke''': I've just been to a few shows, that's all.
:'''Lorelai''': A few shows? Oh my God, you're a Buffetthead.
:'''Luke''': Is that the one you want me to wear or not?
:'''Lorelai''': Sing [[w:Margaritaville|Margaritaville]].
:'''Luke''': No.
:'''[[w:Jess Mariano|Jess]]''': That attitude's gonna lose you that toy.
:'''Luke''': Stay outta this.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lorelai''': Lane can't quit the band. She has to get famous and introduce me to Bono.
:'''Rory''': I told her that.
:'''Lorelai''': All right, let's go eat… see if we can figure out a way to salvage my future as a groupie.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Luke''': Hey, wait now. You're talking crazy talk trying to confuse me now, aren't you?
:'''Lorelai''': Aren't you!
:'''Luke''': What?
:'''Lorelai''': Who?
:'''Luke''': Stop it!
:'''Lorelai''': Bye!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Luke''': Uh, you and I have got to have a little talk.
:'''Jess''': Hey, if you’re gonna get all [[w:Ward Cleaver|Ward Cleaver]] on me, I gotta go call [[w:Eddie Haskell|Eddie]] and [[w:Lumpy Rutherford|Lumpy]] and tell ‘em I’m gonna be late.
:'''Luke''': Shut up for a second, would ya? Look, I know you’re at an age where the whole girl thing is... you know, on your mind a lot, and it’s probably not helping you to think straight with all the hormones and other things that are raging around in there. My point is that you gotta think about things a little better, you know, the way you act. I mean, if you care about a girl the way you do with this Shane –
:'''Jess''': I don’t care about her.
:'''Luke''': What?
:'''Jess''': I don’t even know her last name.
:'''Luke''': You’re kidding.
:'''Jess''': She mentioned it once. Didn’t stick.
:'''Luke''': Well, if you don’t care about her, what are you doing with her?
:'''Jess''': Just hanging with her, no biggie.
:'''Luke''': Well, you gotta be doing something more than hanging with her. I mean, you got to at least be doing something with her to make her jump in a closet when people come into the room.
:'''Jess''': Relax, will ya? All is good.
:'''Luke''': Jess, this isn’t right. You can’t treat a girl like this, like dirt!
:'''Jess''': If it’s any consolation to you, she treats me like dirt, too. It’s a pretty symbiotic relationship.
:'''Luke''': And that’s fine with you?
:'''Jess''': Yes, it is.
:'''Luke''': To just go along in a relationship, you treat somebody bad and they treat you bad back.
:'''Jess''': That’s right.
:'''Luke''': Oh, that makes you happy?
:'''Jess''': I’d do backflips, but I am way too cool.
:'''Luke''': That makes absolutely no sense.
:'''Jess''': It doesn’t have to make sense to you.
:'''Luke''': There are plenty other of girls out there in the world, Jess.
:'''Jess''': Don’t you have to get back to the diner?
:'''Luke''': I mean, you can go out and at least find one that you actually care about.
:'''Jess''': Oh, like it’s that easy.
:'''Luke''': Yeah, it’s that easy if you try.
:'''Jess''': Hey, the girls that I like don’t give a damn about me! And unlike some other people I know, I’m not gonna sit around hoping that they change their minds and suddenly notice me.
:'''Luke''': What’s that supposed to mean?
:'''Jess''': You fixed any neighbor’s porches lately? Or you go on a picnic? Or you get rooked into giving a ridiculous speech at a high school?
:'''Luke''': Shut up.
:'''Jess''': At least I’ve got a little self-esteem.
:'''Luke''': Shut up.
:'''Jess''': I’m not playing [[w:Golden Retriever|Golden Retriever]], hoping one day she’ll turn around and fall in my arms. If she doesn’t wanna be with me, then fine.
:'''Luke''': You have no idea what you’re talking about.
:'''Jess''': Whatever. I gotta go, Shane’s waiting.
:'''Luke''': Oh, you mean What’s-Her-Name?
:'''Jess''': Yeah, I’ll bring you a new leash when I get back.
:'''Luke''': Get outta here!

=== ''Eight O'Clock at the Oasis'' [3.05] ===

:'''[[w:Lorelai Gilmore|Lorelai]]''': Oh, now that kid’s a major drooler. 
:'''[[w:Rory Gilmore|Rory]]''': Yeah, it’s like a fountain. 
:'''[[w:Luke Danes|Luke]]''': Okay, that’s it, they have to go. 
:'''Lorelai''': Luke, come on, it’s just spit. Pretend you’re at a baseball game. 
:'''Luke''': No no no, I’ve had enough. Let them go not spend money at Al’s, I’m through. ''[He starts to walk toward the people when a woman stands up and starts unbuttoning her shirt. Luke walks back to Lorelai and Rory]'' Is that woman doing what I think she’s doing? ''[the woman has started nursing her baby]''
:'''Lorelai''': Um, well, I can’t be a hundred percent sure, but. . .oh yeah, that’s lunch. 
:'''Luke''': Why, why do they do this? This is a public place, people are eating here. 
:'''Rory''': They sure are. 
:'''Luke''': This cannot be sanitary. 
:'''Lorelai''': I agree. You don’t know where that thing’s been. 
:'''Luke''': When did that become acceptable? In the old days, a woman would never consider doing that in public. They’d go find a barn or a cave or something. I mean, it’s indecent. This is a diner not a peep show! 
:'''Lorelai''': Hey, consider making it a combo. You could charge more for your cheeseburgers. Of course, no one would ever feel the same ordering a glass of milk again, but . . . 
:'''Luke''': I have to do something. I just can’t stand here and let the lactating continue. 
:'''Lorelai''': Luke! 
:'''Rory''': Gross! 
:'''Luke''': I’m gross? I’m not the one exposing myself for the entire world to see. That’s it. 
:[''Luke starts to walk over to the woman, then walks back to the counter'']  You go make her stop. 
:'''Lorelai''': I’m not going over there. 
:'''Luke''': Why not? You’re a woman. 
:'''Lorelai''': So what? 
:'''Luke''': So you have the same parts. 
:'''Lorelai''': What? 
:'''Luke''': You shouldn’t be scared of it. 
:'''Lorelai''': Scared of it? You know, you’re gonna be a bachelor for a really long time. 
:'''Luke''': I am being taken advantage of here, and I do not like being taken advantage of. I hate this! 
:[''Jess walks down into the diner and sees the woman nursing''] 
:'''[[w:Jess Mariano|Jess]]''': Oh geez! 
:[''Jess quickly turns around and walks back upstairs. Lorelai and Rory start laughing.''] 
:'''Luke''': Okay, well, that was kind of funny.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lorelai''': ''[Phone rings and Lorelai answers]'' Independence Inn
:'''[[w:Emily Gilmore|Emily]]''': You should really identify yourself when you answer the phone at work.
:'''Lorelai''': Sorry, Independence Inn, major disappointment speaking. Better?
:'''Emily''': Yes, thank you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Michel Gerard|Michel]]''': ''[about an auction]'' And you must always be extremely careful of your paddle movements.
:'''Lorelai''': Well, that certainly calls for a 'Dirty'!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lorelai''': ''[on the phone]'' Hi, yes, I was at your auction yesterday and I was wondering if you could help me. I met a man there and I would like to contact him but I didn't get his name and I wondered if you could look it up for me. He was paddle number seventeen, and...Oh right, confidential, got it...Well, you know, actually, I misspoke earlier because this isn't a complete stranger I'm trying to contact here, he's an old friend from school...Good question. Well, I don't know his name because I only knew him by his nickname....Uh, Shamu. We called him Shamu. He was kind of a big guy in high school, but he's slimmed down quite a bit...No, see, I don't have time to contact the high school alumni committee because time is of the essence....See, Shamu and I went to a liquor store after the auction and we bought a lottery ticket together and we tore it and I took half and he took half, and I'll be damned if the thing didn't win!...Fourteen million dollars!....Really, but see, we have to claim it by four pm today or we forfeit....Ah, yes....Oh, well, but there's one more thing that I forgot to tell you. See, my blood type is o-negative and he's o-negative and I have a medical condition that....All right, then. Well, thank you anyway. Bye. (hangs up)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rory''': Geez, did he talk about anything else but his car?
:'''Lorelai''': Not until we got to the restaurant, then the wine list.
:'''Rory''': Oh no he's a winey?
:'''Lorelai''': Yes, he sniffed and swirled and swished and did every other pretentious and borderline disgusting thing you can do with a glass of wine in a public place.

=== ''Take the Deviled Eggs'' [3.06] ===

:''[Taylor is on a crusade against birds &quot;relieving themselves on helpless passersby&quot;.]''
:'''Babette''': You get dumped on, Taylor?
:'''[[w:Taylor Doose|Taylor]]''': It's not just me.
:'''[[w:Luke Danes|Luke]]''': If anybody has a picture of Taylor being dumped on. I'll pay top dollar.
:'''[[w:Kirk Gleason|Kirk]]''': I'll check the Internet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Miss Patty''': Taylor, all animals have to… you know. How are you gonna stop birds from doing that?
:'''Taylor''': Easy. Put sharp metal spikes on the top of the fixtures, then when they land — pow! They're [[w:Kebab|shish-kebabs]].
:'''[[w:Rory Gilmore|Rory]]''': That's cruel.
:'''Babette''': You can't do that.
:'''Andrew''': I'd rather have bird crap fall on my head.
:'''[[w:Lorelai Gilmore|Lorelai]]''': There it is — our new town slogan.
:'''Rory''': I like it.
:'''Lorelai''': I see coffee mugs, T-shirts.
:'''Rory''': Don't forget stuffed shish-kebabbed birds.
:'''Lorelai''': That moan when you squeeze 'em.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Luke questions Gypsy about Jess's new car.]''
:'''[[w:Luke Danes|Luke]]''': He paid you for it, right?
:'''Gypsy''': Nothing's free at Gypsy's.
:'''Luke''': And he paid cash?
:'''Gypsy''': Mostly twenties.
:'''Luke''': Did you make sure Andrew Jackson was on the bills, not [[w:Alfred E. Neuman|Alfred E. Neuman]] or someone?
:'''Gypsy''': Looked real to me.
:'''Luke''': Well, when he took the money out of wherever he had it, did a mask or a gun fall out?
:'''Gypsy''': No, but he was carrying it in a canvas bag with a big dollar sign on it.
:'''Luke''': Really?
:'''Gypsy''': No.
:'''Luke''': Good.
:'''Gypsy''': Guys are stupid.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jess''': Hey.
:'''Rory''': Hey.
:'''Jess''': Hey, Lane.
:'''Lane''': Hey back at ya, tough guy.
:'''Jess''': What?
:'''Rory''': Lane...
:'''Jess''': Something wrong?
:'''Rory''': No...
:'''Lane''': Yes! You have a car.
:'''Jess''': I know.
:'''Lane''': Don’t give me lip!
:'''Jess''': Lip?
:'''Rory''': Lane...
:'''Lane''': How’d you get the car, Jess?
:'''Jess''': I bought it?
:'''Lane''': Really, I thought you might’ve built it from parts left over from cars you’ve totaled.
:'''Jess''': What is your problem?
:'''Lane''': Don’t play dumb! You know what you did.
:'''Jess''': I gotta go.
:'''Lane''': Yes, drive on away, we’ll just keep walking. That’s all Rory’s been able to do these past few months – lots of walking. She’s got bunions because of you, mister!
:'''Jess''': Bunions?
:'''Rory''': I don’t have bunions.
:'''Lane''': She’s too nice to complain about her foot ailments!
:'''Jess''': Knock it off, Lane!
:'''Rory''': Just get in the car and go, Jess.
:'''Jess''': I didn’t start this.
:'''Lane''': Well, you started it when you wrecked Rory’s car!
:'''Jess''': Tell your friend to walk it off.
:'''Rory''': You walk it off!
:'''Jess''': I’m trying to DRIVE off!
:'''Rory''': Then go!
:'''Jess''': Geez, how [[w:Andy_Griffith_Show|Andy Griffith]] is this town that people get so excited by a car?
:'''Rory''': It’s not the car, it’s who’s got the car.
:'''Jess''': Okay, fine, you want it? Take it, I’m sick of this.
:'''Rory''': I don’t want this piece of junk!
:'''Jess''': Right. I suppose Dean is already building you another car, something really snazzy.
:'''Rory''': Shut up and go!
:'''Jess''': Gladly.
:'''Rory''': Let’s go.
:'''Lane''': Gladly!
:'''Rory''': ''[to Jess]'' Oh, and by the way, you left your bra in the back seat!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Reverend''': The church is exempt from your town statutes, Taylor.
:'''Rabbi''': We answer to a higher authority… like the hot dog.
:'''Reverend''': I laugh every time you say that.
:'''Rabbi''': I know. Funny is funny.
:'''Taylor''': Well, I can guarantee that God does not want this either.
:'''Reverend''': Did you hear that, David? Taylor Doose is in direct communication with God.
:'''Rabbi''': Thirty years I'm working for God, I haven't received so much as a card.
:'''Reverend''': Is it by phone that you speak with him, Taylor?
:'''Rabbi''': Do you have a God phone, Taylor?
:'''Taylor''': Rabbi, please.
:'''Reverend''': What's he like? For us common folk who've never met him?
:'''Rabbi''': Is he short, is he tall?
:'''Reverend''': Does he like to laugh?
:'''Rabbi''': Is the whole shellfish thing really serious? Because, I gotta tell you, some of these Red Lobster commercials…

=== ''They Shoot Gilmores, Don't They?'' [3.07] ===

:'''[[w:Sookie St. James|Sookie]]''': Last night, I made coq au vin for dinner, so of course the subject of children came up. 
:'''[[w:Lorelai Gilmore|Lorelai]]''': Of course. 
:'''Sookie''': All of a sudden, completely out of the blue, Jackson announces he wants four in four. 
:'''Lorelai''': He wants what? 
:'''Sookie''': Four in four. Four kids in four years. 
:'''Lorelai''': Good Lord! 
:'''Sookie''': I know! 
:'''Lorelai''': Well, who’s he gonna have these kids with? 
:'''Sookie''': Me, apparently. 
:'''Lorelai''': What did you say? 
:'''Sookie''': See, here’s where, uh, the problem comes in. 
:'''Lorelai''': What? 
:'''Sookie''': I think I said yes. 
:'''Lorelai''': How is that possible? 
:'''Sookie''': Well, I was totally shocked when he announced it and I sort of said, &quot;O. . kay&quot; and . . but I think he took it as, &quot;Okay!&quot; So, apparently, now I have to get busy. 
:'''Lorelai''': Do you want four in four? 
:'''Sookie''': No. But, I mean, I want kids. You know I want kids. 
:'''Lorelai''': I know you want kids. 
:'''Sookie''': But I thought maybe one. Two if the first one is really quiet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Rory and Dean walk up to the table where Lane is serving food. Jess is in front of them.]''
:'''[[w:Rory Gilmore|Rory]]''': The sandwiches are for the dancers.
:'''[[w:Jess Mariano|Jess]]''': I’m dancing on the inside.
:'''Rory''': What are you doing here?
:'''Jess''': I live here.
:'''Rory''': You have nothing better to do than to sit around inside a gymnasium all day staring at a dance marathon?
:'''Jess''': I don’t know. [to Dean] Do you have nothing better to do than sit inside a gymnasium all day staring at a dance marathon?
:'''[[w:Dean Forrester|Dean]]''': I wouldn’t direct any sort of comment toward me if I were you.
:'''Jess''': I’m just trying to support my town.
:'''Rory''': Good, then go back to New York.
:'''Jess''': Ooh, zing! I’ve been snapped!
:'''Rory''': You think you’re bugging me sitting in front of me staring like that?
:'''Jess''': You think you’re bugging me dancing in front of me staring like that?
:'''Rory''': I’m not staring at you.
:'''Jess''': Then how do you know I’m staring at you?
:'''Rory''': I am dancing. I cannot control where my glance goes. And the few moments that I can control it, my glance goes to Dean, not to you.
:'''Jess''': So you can’t control when you look at me, but you have to force yourself to look at him? Sorry, man. That’s cold.
:'''Dean''': My former comment still stands. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dean''': I’m not her boyfriend anymore. 
:'''Rory''': What? 
:'''Dean''': You know, I tried to ignore this. I really did, but I don’t know what the hell I was thinking. 
:'''Rory''': What are you talking about? 
:'''Dean''': You don’t wanna be with me, Rory. 
:'''Rory''': Yes, I do. 
:'''Dean''': Oh, please! You’ve been into him since he got to town, and I have spent weeks – months, actually – trying to convince myself that it wasn’t true, that everything was fine between us. But now I know that I was an idiot. You’re into him and he’s into you, and Shane, who by the way, should be listening to this ‘cause it’s so damn obvious. 
:'''Rory''': What’s obvious? What did I do? 
:'''Dean''': Everyone can see it, Rory! Everyone. And I’m tired, but I’m over it, so go ahead, go. Be together. There’s nothing standing in your way now, ‘cause I’m out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rory''': I can't even open my eyes.
:'''Lorelai''': That's okay, there's nothing to see. Kirk's in a Speedo, Taylor's in a skirt, Al's in assless chaps.
:'''Rory''': Oh my God, stop. I'm never gonna be able to close my eyes again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jess walks up to Rory as she is sitting on the bridge]''
:'''Jess''': Dean's a jerk yelling at you like that, breaking up in front of everyone. The guy's a total jerk.
:'''Rory''': No, he's not..he was right...everything he said, all those things about you and me, all those things about me...lying to him, messing with his head. He was right. ''[pause, she looks up at Jess]'' Well, wasn't he?....Fine, he was right about me then, now go away.
:''[Jess takes a breath]''
:'''Jess''': He was right about...all of it. 
:'''Rory''': So what now?
:'''Jess''': You definitely broken up with Dean?
:'''Rory''': Yeah, I'm definitely broken up with Dean.
:'''Jess''': I have to go take care of something then.

=== ''Let the Games Begin'' [3.08] ===

:'''[[w:Jess Mariano|Jess]]''': Hi.
:'''[[w:Rory Gilmore|Rory]]''': Hey.
:'''Jess''': Hi.
:'''[[w:Lorelai Gilmore|Lorelai]]''': Hi.
:'''Jess''': Hi.
:'''[[w:Luke Danes|Luke]]''': Hi.
:'''Rory''': I have to get to school.
:'''Jess''': Yeah, me too.
:'''Rory''': Bye
:'''Jess''': Bye. Bye.
:'''Lorelai''': Bye.
:'''Rory''': Bye.
:'''Lorelai''': Bye.
:'''Rory''': Bye.
:'''Luke''': Bye.
:''[Jess and Rory leave.]''
:'''Luke''': What the hell was that?
:'''Lorelai''': That was episode one of &quot;Rory and Jess: The Early Years&quot;.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jess''': What do you think is gonna happen?
:'''Luke''': You know what I think is gonna happen.
:'''Jess''': No, I don’t. Tell me. Tell me what I’m gonna do to her.
:'''Luke''': You’re not gonna do anything to her because when you’re at her place, there’s Lorelai, and when you’re here, there’s me, and when you’re out there, there’s Taylor.
:'''Jess''': Romeo and Juliet had warring families and they still managed to do a little damage, you know?
:'''Luke''': Well, as soon as I catch you in a pair of tights, I’ll get worried. Until then, do your homework.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Luke''': Uh, listen, I just want you to know that I had a little talk with Jess earlier.
:'''Lorelai''': You did?
:'''Luke''': Yes, I did, and I really laid down the rules concerning him and Rory. Trust me, he now knows that I am going to be watching them every second they are together.
:'''Lorelai''': Oh good.
:'''Luke''': Yup.
:'''Lorelai''': You know, they're together now.
:'''Luke''': What?
:'''Lorelai''': Oh yeah. &quot;I have to get a part for my car&quot;, &quot;I'm going to go study&quot; — that's kid code for &quot;Meet me at the previously agreed upon location far away from my clueless uncle&quot;.
:'''Luke''': You're kidding me, right? You don't really think that… damn, they are. They're together. They used the kid code and now they're together.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
[''Lorelai finds the bracelet that Dean made for Rory on the dresser'']
:'''Lorelai''': Oh wow. I guess this means there really isn’t a Dean anymore, huh?
:'''Rory''': Yeah, that and it broke in the shower this morning. Though I probably would’ve taken it off anyway.
:'''Lorelai''': Or Jess would’ve done it for you.
:'''Rory''': What did that mean?
:'''Lorelai''': It just meant Jess wouldn’t want you wearing another guy’s bracelet.
:'''Rory''': Or that Jess is a thief and he would’ve stolen it.
:'''Lorelai''': It does work on both levels, doesn’t it?
:'''Rory''': So this is how it’s gonna be from now on?
:'''Lorelai''': What does that mean?
:'''Rory''': You like Dean and you hate Jess.
:'''Lorelai''': Rory.
:'''Rory''': Jess will always be the evil guy who mouthed off to you and wrecked my car and Dean will always be the perfect guy who would come over and change the water bottle.
:'''Lorelai''': Aw, I forgot about the water bottle.
:'''Rory''': Mom.
:'''Lorelai''': Rory, I said nothing. I didn’t mean what you thought I meant about Jess. I’m trying to be supportive about this.
:'''Rory''': How supportive?
:'''Lorelai''': Supportive. You know, go team.
:'''Rory''': I’m serious, I wanna know how it’s gonna be. Like, can I invite him over?
:'''Lorelai''': Of course you can invite him over.
:'''Rory''': Well, can he actually come into the house?
:'''Lorelai''': Yes, he can come into the house
:'''Rory''': Are you going to talk to him?
:'''Lorelai''': I'll at least match him grunt for grunt.
:'''Rory''': Okay. Now, let's say he's in the house and there's a fire and you can either save him or your shoes - which is it?
:'''Lorelai''': That depends, did he start the fire?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jess''': Here we are.
:'''Rory''': Yeah, here we are. So, tell me, what’s your decision about smoking that depending on? 
:'''Jess''': On what’s gonna happen.
:'''Rory''': When?
:'''Jess''': Now.
:''[They kiss]''
:'''Rory''': I’m glad you didn’t smoke it. 
:'''Jess''': Oh yeah? 
:'''Rory''': Yeah. 
:''[they kiss again]'' 
:'''Jess''': Well, whatever else happens between us, at least we know that part works.
:'''Rory''': I have to go. 
:'''Jess''': What? Did I do something or – 
:'''Rory''': No, no. This was. . . you were – are. . .it was wonderful, and I look forward to many similar occurrences in the future, but right now, I have to go. Understand? 
:'''Jess''': Not at all. 
:'''Rory''': It’s more fun that way, isn’t it?

=== ''A Deep Fried Korean Thanksgiving''  ===

:'''[[w:Emily Gilmore|Emily]]''': I've called several times the past few weeks and you've skillfully avoided every call.
:'''[[w:Lorelai Gilmore|Lorelai]]''': No, that's not true. I've left messages on your machine.
:'''Emily''': Yes, messages. And then if I happened to pick up, you'd hang up. Or if the maid picked up, you'd ask for me, then claim you were driving through a tunnel so you might get cut off, and then you'd make garbling noises and hang up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Luke Danes|Luke]]''': Shouldn't we give thanks first?
:'''[[w:Jess Mariano|Jess]]''': Thanks for what?
:'''Luke''': Well, that we're not Native Americans who got their land stolen in exchange for smallpox infested blankets.
:'''Lorelai''': Amen.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lorelai''': So no offense but what's with that lame-o kiss?
:'''[[w:Rory Gilmore|Rory]]''': What?
:'''Lorelai''': You and Jess, you look like a couple of chickens pecking each other.
:'''Rory''': Mind your own business.
:'''Lorelai''': Well it was right in front of me.
:'''Rory''': So, I don't need a review.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paris Geller|Paris]]''': My Thanksgiving is turning into a [[w:Wes Craven|Wes Craven]] movie. 
:'''Rory''': How so? 
:'''Paris''': I called shelters to volunteer to serve food. It’s Thanksgiving – you’d think they have needs. Nope. Every stupid soup kitchen in town turned me down because they have enough volunteers. 
:'''Madeline''': Bummer. 
:'''Paris''': I’m on a couple waiting lists, but it doesn’t look good. 
:'''Rory''': I’ve never heard of too many volunteers. 
:'''Paris''': Who are all these jackasses who volunteered anyway? They can’t all be students like me. They’re not all putting it on a college application. I get something out of it and these other people don’t get a thing. Talk about selfish.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jess carries the trash bag down the street, and he finds Dean standing on the sidewalk.]''
:'''[[w:Dean Forester|Dean]]''': Nothing to say?
:'''Jess''': Guess not.
:'''Dean''': That’s funny, you usually have something to say.
:'''Jess''': Guess I’m all talked out.
:'''Dean''': What’s the matter, Jess? Why you walking away?
:'''Jess''': It’s getting a little [[w:West Side Story|West Side Story]] here, Dean, and I gotta warn you, my dancing skills are not up to snuff.
:'''Dean''': But now’s your chance, there’s no one else around.
:'''Jess''': Go home. Cool off.
:'''Dean''': Come on, make one of your [[w:Boy Scouts of America|Boy Scout]] references, or a good [[w:Hormel|Farmer John]] joke. I got my Doose’s Market apron with me: you want me to put it on, give you a little inspiration? I don’t get it, what happened, you suddenly like me now?
:'''Jess''': Oh yeah, I was just about to invite you campin'.
:'''Dean''': Good, okay, now we’re gettin' somewhere.
:'''Jess''': I’m not gonna fight you, Dean.
:'''Dean''': Why?
:'''Jess''': ‘Cause if I fight you, Rory’s gonna think it’s my fault, so just forget it, okay? Just forget it. Go home. Let it rest.
:'''Dean''': So Rory’s got a nice little hold on you now, huh?
:'''Jess''': Geez. [Dean gets right front of his face.] Don’t do that.
:'''Dean''': How does it feel?
:'''Jess''': It feels like I’m with Rory and you’re not.
:'''Dean''': You know, when all this happened with you and me and Rory, I figured I’d just stay out of everyone’s way, that that would be easiest. But now, I’m looking at you and I’m thinking, I’m gonna run from him? The [[w:Plastic wrap|Glad]] man? This is my town, I’m not hiding. And I don’t have be remotely calm around you anymore, and I like that feeling. I like it a lot. Happy Thanksgiving, Jess.

=== ''That'll Do, Pig'' ===

:'''[[w:Emily Gilmore|Emily]]''': If I came in there wearing white gloves, what would I find?
:'''[[w:Lorelai Gilmore|Lorelai]]''': That you could pull a rabbit out of your hat? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Emily''': This couch cannot stay.
:'''Lorelai''': Yes, it can.
:'''Emily''': It’s awful.
:'''Lorelai''': It can hear you.
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lorelai''': Okay, so monkey lamp’s in the closet, singing rabbi’s in a drawer, and all [[w:Spice Girl|Spice Girl]] memorabilia’s under your bed. How do I look?
:'''[[w:Rory Gilmore|Rory]]''': Like a woman who does not own any Spice Girl memorabilia.
:'''Lorelai''': You look pretty, too.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lorelai''': You need to develop a defense mechanism for dealing with Grandma. 
:'''Emily''': What are you talking about? 
:'''Lorelai''': You just need a system, a new mindset. Take me, for example. 
:'''Emily''': What about you? 
:'''Lorelai''': Well, I know there are many things in my life you don't approve of. 
:'''Emily''': Like what? 
:'''Lorelai''': Like this couch. 
:'''Emily''': Well, this couch is terrible. 
:'''Lorelai''': Okay, good – you think the couch is terrible. Now, at one point in my life, you saying a couch that I carefully picked out and had to pay off over eight months is terrible might've hurt my feelings, but not anymore. 
:'''Emily''': No? 
:'''Lorelai''': No. 
:'''Emily''': Why not? 
:'''Lorelai''': Because one day, I decided that instead of being hurt and upset by your disapproval, I'm gonna be amused. I'm gonna find it funny. I'm even going to take a little bit of pleasure in it. 
:'''Emily''': You take pleasure in my disapproval? 
:'''Lorelai''': I encourage it sometimes just for a laugh. 
:'''Emily''': I don't know what to think of that. 
:'''Lorelai''': Think, ‘hey, that's brilliant', because this idea could set you free.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Clara''': Is Jess your real name? 
:'''[[w:Jess Mariano|Jess]]''': Yes. 
:'''Clara''': Do you like it? 
:'''Jess''': It's fine. 
:'''Clara''': Would you rather be named Bill? 
:'''Jess''': No. 
:'''Clara''': Frank? 
:'''Jess''': No. 
:'''Clara''': Mike? 
:'''Jess''': No. 
:'''Clara''': Bob? 
:'''Jess''': No. 
:'''Clara''': Ed? 
:'''Jess''': Does this belong to you? 
:'''[[w:Dean Forrester|Dean]]''': Clara, you want a snowcone? 
:'''Clara''': Yes, will you get me a snowcone? 
:'''Jess''': Absolutely. Go stand in the middle of the street and wait for me, I'll be right back.

=== ''I Solemnly Swear'' ===

:'''[[w:Lorelai Gilmore|Lorelai]]''': Who would ever have thought that all inns need doors?
:'''[[w:Sookie St. James|Sookie]]''': Not me.
:'''Lorelai''': And floors.
:'''Sookie''': Doors and floors, we can’t afford that.
:'''Lorelai''': Well, we better, otherwise our guests will fall right through to China.
:'''Sookie''': I can just imagine the phone calls.
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paris Geller|Paris]]''': How many times do I have to tell them? You can’t put a two-inch ladle of gravy into a one-inch potato crater. You either need a smaller ladle or a bigger crater – otherwise, you get this.
:'''[[w:Rory Gilmore|Rory]]''': Gravy on your asparagus.
:'''Paris''': Yes.
:'''Rory''': Paris, the cafeteria workers serve hundreds of students a day. A little gravy spillage is natural.
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Emily Gilmore|Emily]]''': That was our lawyer calling to inform me that one of our former maids is suing for wrongful termination.
:'''Lorelai''': Hm.
:'''Emily''': You might at least act surprised.
:'''Lorelai''': It’s not the first time, is it?
:'''Emily''': It most certainly is.
:'''Lorelai''': Really?
:'''Emily''': Yes, Lorelai, really.
:'''Lorelai''': Well, then, I’m surprised. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rory''': Which maid was it?
:'''Emily''': Gertha, the one from Hamburg, Germany.
:'''Lorelai''': Which one was she?
:'''Rory''': You remember. She was the one who you made all those Hamburg-hamburger jokes to.
:'''Lorelai''': God, I beat that dead horse.
:'''Rory''': With glee.
:'''Emily''': She was the clomper.
:'''Lorelai''': The clomper?
:'''Emily''': She'd be upstairs making the bed and it'd sound like a Munich beer hall rally.
:'''Lorelai''': That's why you fired her?
:'''Emily''': Yes.
:'''Lorelai''': Because she made noise when she walked?
:'''Emily''': Yes.
:'''Lorelai''': Was she a good maid otherwise? 
:'''Emily''': What? 
:'''Lorelai''': Besides the clomping, was she polite, on time, made sure the little fork went on the outside? 
:'''Emily''': Have you been listening to me? She was not performing her duties as I wished them to be performed. Everything else is beside the point. 
:'''Lorelai''': Well, I guess it’s always something, isn’t it? 
:'''Emily''': What’s that supposed to mean? 
:'''Lorelai''': It means you always seem to find the one thing about a maid that negates all of her good qualities. I mean, at a certain point, isn’t it just easier to let a couple things slide? 
:'''Emily''': I see. So it’s my fault? 
:'''Lorelai''': I didn’t say that. 
:'''Emily''': No, Lorelai, you did. For years, I’ve been listening to you and your father and everyone else go on and on about how demanding I am, how I have to have things a certain way. Well, guess what? I pay to have them that way. I pay more than anyone else pays their maids, and when things are not the way I want, that means I’m not getting what I paid for. Why is that so hard to understand? 
:'''Lorelai''': It isn’t hard to understand, it’s just – 
:'''Emily''': If you pay for first class and the airline sticks you in coach, people expect you to be upset. No one calls you demanding or unreasonable. And yet here is this woman whom I pay more than she can get anywhere else in Hartford, whose severance package could finance a summer cruise down the Rhine, dragging me into court saying that I was unfair. Why? Because having paid for one thing, I’m not content with something else? That makes me unfair? Well, then, so be it. Let someone else pay first class and ride in steerage, not me. 
:'''Maid''': Excuse me, Mrs. Gilmore, dinner’s ready 
:'''Emily''': Thank you, Brooke, we’ll be right there. 
:''[Brooke walks away; Lorelai and Rory start to get up]'' 
:'''Emily''': Wait, wait, wait. Do you hear that? 
:'''Lorelai''': Hear what? 
:'''Emily''': Exactly. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lorelai''': Okay. Now, Sookie’s on top of the menu. Let’s make sure the dining room’s open for a late lunch, and we need to confirm the number of rooms they’ll need. 
:'''Michel''': Yes, I have all of this written down on a notepad right next to my self-help book, &quot;Why Don’t People Think You Know What The Hell You’re Doing?&quot;

=== ''Lorelai, Out of Water'' ===

:'''[[w:Rory Gilmore|Rory]]''': I appreciate that. So, tell me, your cousin getting married Saturday, what’s his story?
:'''[[w:Lane Kim|Lane]]''': James. Very quiet, kind of skulky, couldn’t meet anyone here, so his family arranged to have a girl shipped over from the old country.
:'''Rory''': I hope they cut air holes in the box.
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Lorelai Gilmore|Lorelai]]''': Hey, got any good stories?
:'''[[w:Luke Danes|Luke]]''': Nope, sorry.
:'''Lorelai''': Ah, nothing? No crazy, colorful uncle? Best friend with a funny name?
:'''Luke''': Jeff Smith?
:'''Lorelai''': Skeletons in the family closet? War wounds? Funny shaped scars?
:'''Luke''': It really throws you off when Rory’s late, doesn’t it?
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Luke''': So you’re gonna fish to fulfill your destiny?
:'''Lorelai''': That’s right.
:'''Luke''': And you’re gonna learn to fish to fulfill your destiny from a book?
:'''Lorelai''': Yes.
:'''Luke''': And you sanctioned this?
:'''Rory''': Yes.
:'''Luke''': Okay, Thelma, Louise, possibly there’s another way to learn to fish.
:'''Lorelai''': The Fishing Channel.
:'''Luke''': I fish.
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rory''': You set my alarm for 5:15 a.m.
:'''Lorelai''': ''[walking into the kitchen]'' I know, and I did it for purely practical reasons.
:'''Rory''': Which are?
:'''Lorelai''': My alarm is just not as reliable as your scream.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lorelai''': I look adorable! No one ever told me that if you fish, you get to buy an outfit. I'll do just about anything if I can buy an outfit!

=== ''Dear Emily and Richard'' ===

:''[Flashback to Rory's birth.]''
:'''[[w:Lorelai Gilmore|Young Lorelai]]''': Okay, this is a big pain and I'd really like it to go away, please.
:'''Nurse''': Just breathe deep, honey.
:'''Young Lorelai''': Breathing doesn't help. Can I hit you instead?
:'''Nurse''': What?
:'''Young Lorelai''': Or pinch you really hard, 'cause that might make me feel better.
:'''Nurse''': No, you cannot hit me.
:'''Young Lorelai''': Can I bite you or pull your hair or use the Epilady on you, 'cause I really need to do something.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Dean walks up to the counter]''
:'''[[w:Dean Forrester|Dean]]''': I gotta place an order.
:'''[[w:Jess Mariano|Jess]]''': Talk into the clown.
:'''Dean''': I am.
:'''Jess''': (annoyed) ... What do you want?
:'''Dean''': Six burgers, three with cheese; two cheddar, one Swiss. Two plain, one with chili, cheese and onions on the side... Your memory’s that good?
:'''Jess''': You’re screwing with me.
:'''Dean''': I’m placing an order.
:'''Jess''': For all of Connecticut.
:'''Dean''': For the construction crew next door.
:'''Jess''': Oh, you’re Taylor’s errand boy now.
:'''Dean''': And you’re Taylor’s waitress.
:'''Jess''': Say that a little closer.
:'''Dean''': I thought you had a girlfriend.
:'''Jess''': Give me your order and get out.
:'''Dean''': Service with a smile. Uh, six burgers, three cheese; two cheddar, one Swiss. Two plain burgers, one chili burger with cheese and onions on the side. Three ham on ryes; one mayo, one mustard, one combo. A combo means mustard and–
:'''Jess''': I know what a combo means.
:'''Dean''': Sorry, guess that confused look is just how your face is.
:'''Jess''': Do you wanna talk about this outside?
:'''Dean''': Just as soon as I’m finished. Uh, four hot dogs. Two egg salads on white. One chicken salad on wheat. A chef's salad with ranch. Five fries. Five onion rings. Two chips. Extra pickles.
:'''Jess''': On what?
:'''Dean''': Excuse me?
:'''Jess''': What are the extra pickles on?
:'''Dean''': On the side.
:'''Jess''': On the side of what? On the side of the burgers, on the side of the sandwiches, or on the side of the road where the ditch I’m gonna dump your body into is?
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lorelai''': ''[about a package]'' It’s from my mother.
:'''[[w:Rory Gilmore|Rory]]''': What is it?
:'''Lorelai''': It’s heavy. Must be her hopes and dreams for me.
:'''Rory''': I thought she discarded those years ago.
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lorelai''': And the second thing is, you need to tell me why you’re sitting like that. 
:'''Sherry''': Maureen told me that [[w:Howard Stern|Howard Stern]] said that if you squat, it makes the baby come out faster. 
:'''Lorelai''': Okay, as long as you have a sane reason from a reliable source.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Emily Gilmore|Emily]]''': You do not just leave a note. You call and say: &quot;Mom, I'm in labor. Will you please drive me to the damned hospital?!&quot;

=== ''Swan Song'' ===

:'''[[w:Rory Gilmore|Rory]]''': Hanging out with Jess for most of the day, studying at night.
:'''[[w:Lorelai Gilmore|Lorelai]]''': Cool. Alex and I are having dinner tomorrow night.
:'''Rory''': Good. That’ll make it nice and quiet for when I study.
:'''Lorelai''': I’m that loud?
:'''Rory''': You are when you dance around singing ‘Rory’s Studying’ songs.
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Jess Mariano|Jess]]''': ''[about Emily]'' Does she know what I look like?
:'''Rory''': I don’t think so.
:'''Jess''': Perfect. Find someone who vaguely resembles me. Take him. Just don’t kiss him goodnight.
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rory''': Okay, what’s the packing crisis?
:'''Lorelai''': That’s the thing. I have no packing crisis. For the first time in my life, there is no packing crisis. See? This has never happened to me before. I’m all packed, ready to go, and fully confident that I have everything I’ll need or desire.
:'''Rory''': So you’re creating a crisis out of nostalgia? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Luke Danes|Luke]]''': ''[to Jess]'' When you date a girl like Rory, you’re involved with her whole family. Just like that last girl you dated, you were involved with her whole petri dish.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rory''': We need a signal. 
:'''Lorelai''': A kissing signal? 
:'''Rory''': Something to avoid this. 
:'''Lorelai''': Okay, um, how ‘bout I shoot off a flare when I’m outside necking with a boy? 
:'''Rory''': You know what I mean. 
:'''Lorelai''': Or I could bang on the door and yell, &quot;Hey, we’re necking out here!&quot; 
:'''Rory''': I still say we need a signal.

=== ''Face-Off'' ===

:'''[[w:Lorelai Gilmore|Lorelai]]''': Have you seen my brown boots? I cannot go out without those brown boots. My entire outfit was retrofitted around those practically – Oh! Wait, can you believe it? Hey, they were in my closet. What sort of bizarre accident of fate put them there?
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lorelai''': Okay, for starters, I think you have to realize something – you were really lucky with Dean. He was an exceptional first boyfriend, and you got spoiled. Most of us didn’t have first boyfriends like Dean. Most of us had first boyfriends like Brian Hutchins.
:'''[[w:Rory Gilmore|Rory]]''': Brian Hutchins?
:'''Lorelai''': Seventh grade, I’m sitting in the library, walks up, asks me to go steady. I say yes. He walks away and I don’t see him again until the tenth grade when he tries to sell me a dimebag at the Sadies Hawkins Day dance. And he was way overcharging for it, too.
:'''Rory''': That’s demented.
:'''Lorelai''': Well, that’s what most of us had to put up with. Where do you think the [[w:Susan Faludi|Susan Faludi]]’s of the world came from?
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lorelai''': It’ll be fun. There’ll be cheerleaders and clowns, people doing the wave.
:'''Rory''': You have no idea what a hockey game is, do you?
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rory''': If I had known sports were so much about eating, I would’ve come to a lot more of these.
:'''[[w:Lane Kim|Lane]]''': I know. There’s something deeply satisfying about watching other people exercise while eating junk food.
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rory''': Your mom loves Dave? 
:'''Lane''': She said he’s a righteous young man who’s proven he can be trusted around antique furniture. In her book, that’s pretty close to love.

=== ''The Big One'' ===

:'''[[w:Rory Gilmore|Rory]]''': It’s nothing, it’s just Paris. There’s this speech contest for the bicentennial, and I wasn’t even going to enter it, but I don’t know – with the whole ‘it’s my last chance to crush you before graduation’ comment, I want to enter, I want to win, and I wanna dance around her saying ‘I win, I win, I win!’
:'''[[w:Lorelai Gilmore|Lorelai]]''': Wow, you’re getting more and more like me everyday.
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Richard Gilmore|Richard]]''': Ah, you’re here.
:'''Lorelai''': And you are by far the most masculine-looking maid my parents have ever had.
:'''Richard''': It’s chaos here. The second maid called in sick, the first is busy with dinner, and your poor mother is at the hospital. Her DAR group suffered a surfeit of strokes this week.
:'''Lorelai''': Come again?
:'''Richard''': Three of her friends had strokes. And now she is hopping from sick bed to sick bed offering whatever comfort she can.
:''[they start walking to the living room]''
:'''Lorelai''': Three DAR strokes. What’s in that water they’re drinking?
:'''Richard''': Well, a little whiskey, usually. Oh, and you’re forgetting Liesl.
:'''Lorelai''': What?
:'''Richard''': Our East-German maid. She was much more masculine-looking than me.
:'''Lorelai''': Right, the [[w:Sideburns|muttonchops]].
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lorelai''': You’re a hell of a lot more interesting than that usual shot they have of all the white men walking around that big empty chamber with the numbers all over them.
:'''Richard''': That’s a televised house vote, and I find that fascinating.
:'''Lorelai''': It’s like watching the [[w:Men's Wearhouse|Men’s Wearhouse]] security camera.
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paris Geller|Paris]]''': You know, it’s funny, me standing here before you right now. I’ve thought about nothing else for four years but this school, this big important school with all of its history and tradition and really super teachers. And I dedicated myself to it completely, heart and soul, believing in its power, believing in its ability to get me where I needed to go. Harvard. I thought of nothing else. Many of you out there can attest to that fact. I was on my way and nothing could stop me. And here’s the really funny thing – after four years of slaving away, I go home today and I found this. [holds up an envelope] I’m not going to Harvard. I got the tiny envelope, the one that reads, &quot;Sorry, Paris. We’re not interested. Try again next year. Love, Harvard.&quot; And the thing that’s really funny here is, who in the world deserves to go to Harvard more than me? Have you seen how hard I’ve worked over these past four years? I mean, can anyone here believe that I’m not going to Harvard? I can’t. I’m not going to Harvard. I am not going to Harvard. I had sex, but I’m not going to Harvard.
:'''Rory''': Okay.
:'''Paris''': And I have to tell you that if you asked me which of those two events I thought would be the least likely to happen, it would not be the not going to Harvard.
:'''Rory''': Thank you and good night.
:'''Paris''': I’m being punished. I had sex, so now I don’t get to go to Harvard.
:'''Rory''': Paris, come on. ''[leads Paris off the stage]''
:'''Paris''': She’s never had sex. She’ll probably go to Harvard. She’s a shoe in. Pack your chastity belt, Gilmore – you’re going to Harvard!
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sookie''':  I’m not getting rid of my knives, Jackson. I’m a chef, I have to have knives.
:'''Jackson''': Sookie.
:'''Sookie''':  And I’m also not cutting off the water supply and I’m not sanding down all the edges of my furniture. Now, I’m sorry that you think this house is a deathtrap, and I’m sorry that you think there is nothing in our lifestyles that is conducive to having a baby, but our kid is gonna have to be bright enough not to disconnect the water hose that goes to the automatic ice maker and shove it up his or her nose. Now go to sleep.

=== ''A Tale of Poes and Fire'' ===

:'''[[w:Luke Danes|Luke]]''': Well, he didn't even tell me about it. I got a letter addressed to the family of Jess Mariano inviting me down to some little ceremony they're having.
:'''[[w:Lorelai Gilmore|Lorelai]]''': Are you going?
:'''Luke''': Oh, he'd hate it if I was there. You know, seeing him participating in some corporate ceremony like that, being called upstanding and responsible, it would kill him. Yeah, I'm going.
:'''Lorelai''':  Good boy.
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Sookie St. James|Sookie]]''': Well, ever since I got pregnant, I've become very nurturing toward all living things. Jackson, too.
:'''Lorelai''': Well, both your bodies are changing.
:'''Sookie''': Yesterday.. .ugh, it was awful. Jackson moved a table and just kind of nicked this spider. He didn't see the little thing, and just clipped one of its legs. And it was having trouble walking and we were so upset, but Jackson made a new leg for it out of a paper clip, but jamming the clip into the spider killed it instantly. Little [[w:Louis Armstrong|Satchmo]].
:'''Lorelai''': You named the spider Satchmo?
:'''Sookie''': After Jackson's uncle.
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lorelai''': Oh, mime. That reminds me – Yale, best drama school bar none. Put that in the pro column.
:'''[[w:Rory Gilmore|Rory]]''': I'm not taking drama.
:'''Lorelai''': No, but it means you'll have the best on-campus productions. You'll get to see the next [[w:Meryl Streep|Meryl Streep]] all goofy and eighteen and doing crap like, &quot;Hey, name an occupation!&quot; &quot;Plumber!&quot; &quot;Name a farm tool now!&quot; &quot;Tractor!&quot; &quot;Hey, I'm a tractor doing. . .plumbing.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Rory is entertaining some kids by using her socks to give a puppet show. Lorelai walks over]'' 
:'''Rory''':  &quot;Where are you going? I told you to take out the garbage!&quot; &quot;Nag, nag, nag. I wanna watch football and sit in my reclining chair.&quot; &quot;Get back here or I'm gonna get you. . .&quot; [sees Lorelai] Oh, hey, guys, hold on a second.
:'''Boy''': No, keep going.
:'''Rory''': Oh, calm down there, little scooter. I'll be right back.
:''[Rory walks over to Lorelai]'' 
:'''Lorelai''': Hey [[w:Shari Lewis|Shari Lewis]], how's the show going?
:'''Rory''': Oh, they're riveted.
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lorelai''': Okay. [to kids] Hey, guys, go on over to the diner and have breakfast with your families, and then ask the nice man in the baseball hat and the flannel shirt to do sock puppets for you. And if he says no, just ask him louder – it's part of the game!'

=== ''Happy Birthday, Baby'' ===

:'''[[w:Emily Gilmore|Emily]]''': Take the cake into the kitchen now, Teresa.
:'''[[w:Lorelai Gilmore|Lorelai]]''': Wait, aren't I supposed to blow out the candles?
:'''Emily''': Oh, Teresa can do that.
:'''Lorelai''': Mom, it's tradition for the person whose name is on the cake to do the blowing.
:'''Emily''': Oh, I'm sorry. I thought only children liked to do that. Shall we bring it back out and relight it?
:'''Lorelai''': No.
:'''[[w:Richard Gilmore|Richard]]''': Well, would you like to make a wish and blow out the tapers?
:'''Lorelai''': Why am I being mocked on my birthday?
:'''Richard''': Because it's the Gilmore way.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Taylor Doose|Taylor]]''': I'd like the wording to be a little harsher.
:'''Nicole''': Taylor, it already says that if Aunt Tilly's Taffy delivers even 2 hours late, they forfeit all payment for that particular shipment and are liable for any loss of income that may result from that late delivery. It's pretty extreme.
:'''Taylor''': It may seem extreme, but those candy people are shifty characters.
:'''Nicole''': Why don't we leave the wording as it is for now and see how things go. We can get tougher later if necessary.
:'''[[w:Luke Gilmore|Luke]]''': Yeah you could send over a couple of [[w:Oompa-Loompa|oompa-loompas]] to kick the crap out of Aunt Tilly.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Richard''': This was my favorite thing to eat as a boy. My Gran used to make this for me whenever I was feeling a little sad. You know, if my cricket team lost or a girl I fancied, turned up her nose at me. 
:'''Lorelai''': Well, then load me up, because there was this cute chick at the pharmacy today. I used my best material on her and nothing.
:'''Emily''': Richard, at least let Pena serve it.
:'''Lorelai''': No comment on my lesbian hilarity? My, how far we've come.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Richard''': Well, I have something for you. 
:''[places an envelope on the table]''
:'''Lorelai''': Is it a hat? 
:'''Richard''': No. 
:'''Lorelai''': Is it a purse? 
:'''Richard''': No. 
:'''Lorelai''': Horse? 
:'''Richard''': Lorelai. 
:'''Lorelai''': [[w:George Foreman Grill|George Foreman Grill]]?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lorelai''': Seventy-five thousand dollars. Seventy-five thousand dollars. Oh my God, that’s like 150 pairs of [[w:Jimmy Choos|Jimmy Choos]].
:'''Richard''': What are Jimmy Choos?
:'''Lorelai''': Shoes.
:'''Richard''': 150 pairs, that’s it?
:'''Lorelai''': Dad, they’re Jimmy Choos.
:'''Richard''': For seventy-five thousand dollars, you should be able to buy at least three or four hundred pairs of shoes.
:'''Lorelai''': Not Jimmy Choos.
:'''Richard''': But that’s ridiculous. You are not going to spend seventy-five thousand dollars on Jimmy Choos when you could buy four hundred pairs of less prestigious but I’m sure equally stylish shoes. You will shop around first. Is that clear?
:'''Lorelai''': Yes, sir.

=== ''Keg! Max!'' ===

:''[The band is practicing as Rory and Jess watch.]''
:'''Zack''': Whoa, cool.
:'''Dave''': We all finished at the same time.
:'''Lane''': That has never happened.
:'''Brian''': The middle of that song didn't even sound like us.
:'''Dave''': Yeah, it sounded good.
:'''[[w:Rory Gilmore|Rory]]''': It sounded great, guys. All of it. Didn't it?
:'''[[w:Jess Mariano|Jess]]''': Not too shabby.
:'''Dave''': We are so ready for this gig.
:'''Lane''': We've got a gig. I just love the sound of that.
:'''Jess''': Where is it?
:'''Lane''': Kyle from school. His parents are going to Marriage Encounter for the weekend so he's throwing this mondo party.
:'''Jess''': You got enough songs?
:'''Dave''': We have enough for two half-hour sets. What we need is a name.
:'''Brian''': I made my suggestion.
:'''Zack''': Yeah, and we vetoed &quot;The [[w:Harry Potter|Harry Potters]].&quot; Next.
:'''Brian''': So yours is better?
:'''Zack''': &quot;Follow Them to the Edge of the Desert&quot; is memorable and classy.
:'''Brian''': I run out of breath every time I say it.
:'''Zack''': You've got asthma, dude. You run out of breath saying your name.
:'''Dave''': Yeah, Brian, we can't work our name around your respiratory illnesses.
:'''Brian''': Even without an inhaler, &quot;Follow Them to the Edge of the Desert&quot; is too long.
:'''Zack''': Yeah, but when we get famous, our fans will shorten it to FTTTEOTD.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rory''': Guys, that was amazing. Really, it was awesome.
:'''Dave''': Thanks.
:'''Zack''': Dude, you did good, you really did. But you got a little too close to me when you were singing into the mike.
:'''Brian''': I got as close as I had to.
:'''Zack''': Your nose touched my cheek, man. That's too close.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Lorelai Gilmore|Lorelai]]''': Do not eat chips out of a communal bowl. You might as well stick your hand in a toilet.
:'''Rory''': Nice.
:'''Lorelai''': If you're desperate, offer to be the person who replenishes them with new bags and grab a handful out of the new bag and dump the rest in the communal bowl.
:'''Rory''': Got it.
:'''Lorelai''': And keep in mind that getting up on a table and performing a song of any kind will haunt you for the rest of your life. Trust me. Been there, done that.
:'''Rory''': I wasn't planning on doing that.
:'''Lorelai''': Hon, those things are never planned.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rory''': It's a Friday night. We should be out, I don't know, partying with the homies.
:'''Lorelai''': Our Stars Hollow homies are all in bed by now. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lorelai''': Okay, I didn't bring a frickin' tape measure. I'm not good at judging distances. You'll have to help me out with the ten feet thing.
:'''[[w:Max Medina|Max]]''': Well, it's a little bigger than a basketball player. Just keep a really big basketball player between us.
:'''Lorelai''': Wow, I bet there's a sentence that's never been uttered before

=== ''Say Goodnight, Gracie'' ===

:'''[[w:Lorelai Gilmore|Lorelai]]''': Hey, Luke.
:'''[[w:Luke Danes|Luke]]''': I'm in bed. I have ten more minutes to sleep. Not a lot of time in the grand scheme of things, but still, ten minutes is ten minutes. You know what I mean.
:'''Lorelai''': Sure, yeah.
:'''[[w:Rory Gilmore|Rory]]''': Ten minutes is great.
:'''Luke''': And then the phone rings, and it just rings and rings and rings and rings, so I pick it up.
:'''Lorelai''': And then hopefully got your hearing checked.
:'''Luke''': Can I finish my story?
:'''Lorelai''': I'm just saying, that's a lot of rings.
:'''Luke''': And on the other end of the phone is someone named John who says he's Kyle's father, and Kyle threw a party last night without permission. And two guys got into a fight and tore the place apart, so John wants me to come down and take a look at the damage and discuss some sort of solution to the problem of the damages. Now, I don't know John, and I certainly don't know Kyle, but I do know someone who would get into a fight at a party and leave the place completely trashed. It's a wild guess, but I think his name rhymes with &quot;Tess&quot;. So here I am, heading in there to talk to John about Kyle and discuss what is to be done about the [[w:Hummel (instrument)|hummel]].
:'''Lorelai''': The what?
:'''Luke''': Exactly.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dave''': A few weeks ago you told me that Lane had a crush on me. Well, I have a crush on her, too. Now, I know you have very strict rules about dating and boys, but I just want you to know that I'm a good person. I don't smoke, I don't drink, I've never gotten a ticket, I'm healthy, I take care of myself, I floss. I never watch more than 30 minutes of television a night partly because I think it's a waste of time and partly because there's nothing on. I respect my parents, I do well in school, I never play video games in case they do someday prove that playing them can turn you into a serial killer. I don't drink coffee. I hate soda because the carbonation freaks me out. I'm happy to give up meat if you feel strongly about it. I don't mind wearing a tie. I enjoy playing those hymns on my guitar, and I really, really want to take your daughter to the prom.
:''[Mrs. Kim is silent.]''
:'''Dave''': Mrs. Kim? Please don't make me repeat that list again.
:'''Mrs. Kim''': &quot;Let never day nor night unhallow'd pass, but still remember what the Lord hath done.&quot;
:'''Dave''': Okay, thank you.
:''[Dave and Lane walk outside.]''
:'''Dave''': Did you hear what she said?
:'''[[w:Lane Kim|Lane]]''': Yes, I did.
:'''Dave''': What did it mean?
:'''Lane''': I don't know.
:'''Dave''': Was it a yes, was it a no?
:'''Lane''': I'm not sure.
:'''Dave''': Well, it's gotta be from the Bible, right? So I'll just go home, do some research, look on the Internet, see what I can find. I'll call you when I know something.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lorelai''': Okay. Your first cop-raided party. I am just so proud.
:'''Rory''': Mom.
:'''Lorelai''': I just wish I could've been there.
:'''Rory''': It was no big deal.
:'''Lorelai''': Did they bring the [[w:Paddywagon|paddywagon]]?
:'''Rory''': Yeah, but then we snuck out the backdoor of the [[w:Speakeasy|speak-easy]] and headed straight for the [[w:Algonquin Hotel|Algonquin]].
:'''Lorelai''': How was [[w:Robert Benchley|Benchley]]?
:'''Rory''': Drunk again. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lorelai''': We very respectfully hover in his vicinity until the walk is over.
:'''[[w:Sookie St. James|Sookie]]''': Then we will politely ask him to get in touch with us.
:'''Lorelai''': Yes. Coming?
:'''Rory''': No, you guys go ahead. I'll be in the back of the line so that when the earth opens up and swallows you whole, I'll be here to tell the story. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rory''': Hey, here's a picture of Kirk pinned by the casket.
:'''Lorelai''': Oh, yeah, that's a good one.
:'''Rory''': Man, it's bad enough this had to happen, but his pants splitting on top of it?
:'''Lorelai''': Yeah. I hope he never takes too close a look at his life.
:'''Rory''': Amen. So this goes on the fridge, right?

=== ''Here Comes the Son''  ===

:'''[[w:Lorelai Gilmore|Lorelai]]''': &quot;Where's the ladies room?&quot; &quot;More coffee, please.&quot; &quot;Does [[w:Antonio Banderas|Antonio Banderas]] live near here?&quot;
:'''[[w:Rory Gilmore|Rory]]''': We do not need to know how to say &quot;Does Antonio Banderas live near here?&quot;
:'''Lorelai''': Oh, yes, we do.
:'''Rory''': Mom.
:'''Lorelai''': When we're in Spain, we need to know how to say, &quot;Does Antonio Banderas live near here?&quot; When in France, &quot;Does [[w:Johnny Depp|Johnny Depp]] live near here?&quot;
:'''Rory''': When in Rome, &quot;Does [[w:Gore Vidal|Gore Vidal]] live near here?&quot;
:'''Lorelai''': You know, you look like me, yet my ways are completely lost on you.
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rory''': Hm? Oh, I found that if I focus too much on one subject, I start to get a little punchy. This way, when I hit [[w:October Revolution|Bolshevik Revolution]] overload, I just shift over here and, oh, hello, [[w:Anne Boleyn|Anne Boleyn]] is going down, and then when that gets too depressing, it's right over to calculus.
:'''Lorelai''': Saving the party subject for last, huh?
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paris Geller|Paris]]''': Unbutton your top.
:'''Lorelai''': What?
:'''Paris''': Teenage boys are controlled by one thing. Unbutton your top.
:'''Lorelai''': No.
:'''Paris''':: Well, me doing it isn't going to help any.
:'''Lorelai''': Paris, you need to relax. You need to stop worrying. You need to stop obsessing. You need to stop looking at my boobs.
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lorelai''': Now no one's around, but the second I run that light, a police car, four helicopters, the Canadian mounties and the crew of Cops jump out of a dumpster and I'm toast.
:'''Rory''': Paranoid.
:'''Lorelai''': Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you, my friend.
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lorelai''': ''[to Rory]'' Hey, you know what's weird? A lot of the kids in here are calling you a valedictorian. Is that anything like a dirty skank, 'cause if it is I'll kick their plaid butts up and down the sidewalk.

=== ''Those Are Strings, Pinocchio'' ===

:'''[[w:Paris Geller|Paris]]''': Relax, I'm okay with you making valedictorian over me.
:'''[[w:Rory Gilmore|Rory]]''': Oh, good, thanks.
:'''Paris''': Sure. I actually googled the personal histories of Ivy League valedictorians going back twenty-five years, and found some enlightening statistics. They don't necessarily do too well in later life, did you know that?
:'''Rory''': No.
:'''Paris''': Oh, yeah. A lot of business failures, crumbled marriages, suicides, obesity.
:'''Rory''': Okay.
:'''Paris''': A bunch died in car crashes, several did time, one suffocated when his cat fell asleep on his face.
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Taylor Doose|Taylor]]''': Moving on.  Now people, I know it's an unpleasant subject, but the deer population in this town is reaching monstrous proportions.
:'''Gypsy''': Not this again.
:'''Miss Patty''':  He's always going on about the deer.
:'''Luke''': Leave 'em alone, Taylor.
:'''Taylor''': But they're taking over the town.  We need to institute partial elimination.
:'''Morey''': Partial elimination?
:'''Gypsy''': You wanna kill the little romping Bambis?
:'''Taylor''': People, do I have to detail the problems that these deer cause?
:'''Luke''': No, but you will.
:'''Taylor''': Lyme disease, auto accidents, plane accidents.
:'''Luke''': We have flying deer?
:'''Miss Patty''': Oh, that's scary.
:'''Babette''': Yeah.  Those ones you can snuff. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Lorelai Gilmore|Lorelai]]''': ''[about Chilton]'' Wait, wait. Look around for a second. Notice?
:'''Rory''': Notice what?
:'''Lorelai''': It's not so scary anymore.
:'''Rory''': No, it's not.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rory''': What are we doing? 
:'''Lorelai''': Leaving our mark. Got a knife? 
:'''Rory''': A knife? For what? 
:'''Lorelai''': For carving our initials. Come on. Knife, knife. 
:'''Rory''': Sorry, I didn't put my switchblade in my sock.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rory''': Headmaster Charleston, faculty members, fellow students, family and friends, welcome. We never thought this day would come. We prayed for its quick delivery, crossed days off our calendars, counted hours, minutes and seconds and now that it's here, I'm sorry it is, because it means leaving friends who inspire me and teachers who've been my mentors, so many people who've shaped my life, and my fellow students lives impermeably and forever. I live in two worlds. One is a world of books. I've been a resident of Faulkner's [[w:Yoknapatawpha County|Yoknapatawpha County]], hunted the white whale aboard the [[w:Pequod (Moby-Dick)|Pequod]], fought alongside Napoleon, sailed a raft with [[w:Huckleberry Finn|Huck]] and Jim, committed absurdities with [[w:A Confederacy of Dunces|Ignatius J. Reilly]], rode a sad train with [[w:Anna Karenina|Anna Karenina]] and strolled down [[w:In Search of Lost Time|Swann's Way]]. It's a rewarding world, but my second one is by far superior. My second one is populated with characters slightly less eccentric, but supremely real, made of flesh and bone, full of love, who are my ultimate inspiration for everything. Richard and Emily Gilmore are kind, decent, unfailingly generous people. They are my twin pillars, without whom I could not stand. I am proud to be their grandchild. But my ultimate inspiration comes from my best friend, the dazzling woman from whom I received my name and my life's blood, Lorelai Gilmore...
:'''[[w:Sookie St. James|Sookie]]''': ''[With tears in her eyes]'' Uh, oh -
:'''Lorelai''': ''[Also on the verge of crying]'' Hang in there.
:'''Rory''': My mother never gave me any idea that I couldn't do whatever I wanted to do or be whomever I wanted to be. She filled our house with love and fun and books and music unflagging in her efforts to give me role models from [[w:Jane Austen|Jane Austen]] to [[w:Eudora Welty|Eudora Welty]] to [[w:Patti Smith|Patti Smith]]. As she guided me through these incredible eighteen years, I don't know if she ever realized that the person I most wanted to be was her...
:'''Sookie''': ''[Choked up]'' Not crying.
:'''Lorelai''': ''[Slightly crying]'' Crying a little.
:'''Sookie''': Crying a little, but not blubbering. That's what we meant when we said no crying. No blubbering.
:'''Rory''': ''[Tearfully]'' Thank you Mom, you are my guidepost for everything.
:'''Sookie''': On the verge of blubbering here.
:'''[[w:Jackson Melville|Jackson]]''': ''[Choked up, tearfully]'' Not doing too well myself.
:'''Lorelai''': ''[Looks over to see Luke]'' Not you, too.
:'''[[w:Luke Danes|Luke]]''': ''[Tearfully blubbering]'' I'm blubbering, you freaks!
[[Category:Gilmore Girls seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>mnuho6pm8ri8ayy865rt7au739ynve7</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153608</id>
      <parentid>3153589</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T17:49:22Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
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      <comment>/* Those Lazy-Hazy-Crazy-Days [3.01] */ trimmed a quote</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="75481" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Gilmore Girls|Gilmore Girls]]''''' (2000–2007) is a dramatic television show, created by [[Amy Sherman-Palladino|Amy Sherman-Palladino]], centering around the relationship between a single mother and her daughter in a small Connecticut town.

''See the [[Talk:Gilmore Girls|discussion]] page for suggested formatting and inclusion guidelines.''

*[[Gilmore Girls/Season 1|Season 1]]; [[Gilmore Girls/Season 2|Season 2]]; [[Gilmore Girls/Season 3|Season 3]]; [[Gilmore Girls/Season 4|Season 4]]; [[Gilmore Girls/Season 5|Season 5]]; [[Gilmore Girls/Season 6|Season 6]]; [[Gilmore Girls/Season 7|Season 7]]

__TOC__

== Season 3 ==
=== ''Those Lazy-Hazy-Crazy-Days'' [3.01] ===
 
:'''[[w:Lorelai Gilmore|Lorelai]]''': Hey Rory, I don't want you to freeze out your dad because I am.
:'''[[w:Rory Gilmore|Rory]]''': I'm not.
:'''Lorelai''': Because I'm fine if you want to go back to the way things were.
:'''Rory''': I think that would be a little hard this time.
:'''Lorelai''': OK ,maybe not now, but eventually.
:'''Rory''': Eventually maybe, but for now, Solidarity, sister.
:'''Lorelai''': [[w:Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood|Ya-Ya]]!
:'''Rory''': You've been waiting 6 weeks to do that, haven't you?
:'''Lorelai''': Ya-Ya!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paris Geller|Paris]]''': What if I fall for him but he doesn't like me?
:'''Rory''': You'll find someone else.
:'''Paris''': What if there is no one else?
:'''Rory''': Then you'll buy some cats.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lorelai''': '[describing her dream]'' I'm lying in bed and I'm sleeping and I'm wearing this fabulous nightgown, and like thirty alarm clocks go off, and so I get out of bed and I walk downstairs, and there, standing in the kitchen, is Luke!
:'''Rory''': Was he naked?
:'''Lorelai''': No! He was making breakfast.
:'''Rory''': Naked?
:'''Lorelai''': Okay, you've been in Washington way too long.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Rory sees Jess and a girl making out against a tree.]''
:'''Rory''': Oh, God!
:'''Lorelai''': What is it?
:'''Rory''': It's THAT.
:'''Lorelai''': Jess?
:'''Rory''': Yes.
:'''Lorelai''': You're upset about Jess?
:'''Rory''': I said &quot;yes&quot;!
:'''Lorelai''': Yes, it's Jess?
:'''Rory''': You're not being funny!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paris''': I can’t do this.
:'''Rory''': What?
:'''Paris''': Date. I can’t date. I’m not genetically set up for it.
:'''Rory''': Not true.
:'''Paris''': I get no pleasure out of the prospect or the preparation. I’m covered in hives, I’ve showered four times, and for what? Some guy who doesn’t even have the brains to buy a [[w:Zagat Survey|Zagat]] so we don’t wind up in a restaurant that’s really just a front for a cocaine laundering ring?

=== ''Haunted Leg'' [3.02] ===

:'''[[w:Lorelai Gilmore|Lorelai]]''': All right, you got home too late last night and I didn’t get a chance to talk to you. 
:'''[[w:Rory Gilmore|Rory]]''': I got home at ten and you were already asleep. 
:'''Lorelai''': Well, I was trying to watch [[w:Legend of Bagger Vance|The Legend of Bagger Vance]] again. 
:'''Rory''': Okay, what did I miss? 
:'''Lorelai''': Okay. Kirk asked me out. 
:'''Rory''': Shut up! 
:'''Lorelai''': Yesterday he came to the inn and asked me to dinner. 
:'''Rory''': That’s so sweet. 
:'''Lorelai''': Sweet? 
:'''Rory''': You should wear your dress with the ponies on it. I bet he likes ponies. 
:'''Lorelai''': Rory, I cannot go out with Kirk.
:'''Rory''': Why?
:'''Lorelai''': Uh huh. . .why? He's. . .he's Kirk!
:'''Rory''': Well, as long as he loves you.
:'''Lorelai''': You are not serious.
:'''Rory''': I just want you to be happy.
:'''Lorelai''':: Hello Headmaster Charleston, this is my stepfather Kirk. Please don't make any sudden movements, he's a fear biter.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lorelai''': My life stinks. Hey, let's look into each other's eyes and say &quot;I wish I were you&quot; at exactly the same time — maybe we'll pull a ''[[w:Freaky Friday|Freaky Friday]]''.
:'''Rory''': Or we can just pretend that we did and you can go around acting really immature. Oh, wait…
:'''Lorelai''': I can't believe you won't switch bodies with me.
:'''Rory''': Forget it. Then I'd have to date Kirk.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lorelai''': Oh my God.
:'''[[w:Emily Gilmore|Emily]]''': Reading in front of other people is extremely rude, Lorelai.
:'''Lorelai''': Shauna Christy shot her husband.
:'''Emily''': What?
:'''Lorelai''': Shauna Christy, you remember Shauna Christy.
:'''Emily''': Yes I remember Shauna Christy, she was a lovely girl.
:'''Lorelai''': Well apparently this lovely girl came home to find her husband giving a nice little bonus package to the maid. And they say good help is hard to find.
:'''Emily''': That's just gossip.
:'''Lorelai''': Gossip? The man was shot 35 times! He looks like a sprinkler system!
:'''Emily''': I can’t believe this. Shauna was always such a nice girl. She was bright, cultured, well-spoken. 
:'''Lorelai''': And apparently a big [[w:Annie Oakley|Annie Oakley]] fan. 
:'''Emily''': This is not funny, the woman committed a crime. 
:'''Lorelai''': Okay, fine. 
:'''Emily''': This is a tragedy. 
:'''Lorelai''': My bad, sorry. 
:'''Emily''': A man is dead, a young woman ruined. 
:'''Lorelai''': Consider the subject dropped. 
:'''Emily''': At least she had a husband to kill. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:[''Rory's bedroom - Rory wakes up and sees Lorelai sitting in a chair staring at her''] 
:'''Rory''': How long have you been sitting there? 
:'''Lorelai''': Not long. An hour. . .and a half. 
:'''Rory''': Why? 
:'''Lorelai''': Because. 
:'''Rory''': 'Cause why? 
:'''Lorelai''': Because today is the last first day of high school you’re ever gonna have. 
:'''Rory''': You’re insane. 
:'''Lorelai''': I’m not insane, I’m just sentimental, and you’re grown. 
:'''Rory''': I’m not grown. 
:'''Lorelai''': Yes, you are, you’re all grown up and soon you’ll be going off into the world. 
:'''Rory''': Not yet. 
:'''Lorelai''': But soon. And after you spread those wings and fly away, I won’t have the opportunity to give you this. 
:[''Lorelai hands her a piece of paper''] 
:'''Rory''': What is it? 
:'''Lorelai''': It’s your bill. 
:'''Rory''': My what? 
:'''Lorelai''': Yeah. I’ve been crunching the numbers, you know, adding up what you’ve cost me over the years – raising you, clothing you, feeding you, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. 
:'''Rory''': Mmhmm. 
:'''Lorelai''': Yes, I’ve itemized everything here by years and income ratio. I thought you could factor it into your student loan. 
:'''Rory''': Oh boy. 
:'''Lorelai''': One thing that’s painfully obvious here – you’ve used an extraordinary number of diapers. 
:'''Rory''': I’m gonna go take a shower. 
:'''Lorelai''': Really, it’s cost a fortune. What were you using all those diapers for? 
:'''Rory''': I was building my ‘make Mommy go away’ castle. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rory''': I could care less about you and Shane.
:'''Jess''': Good.
:'''Rory''': It just surprised me that's all.
:'''Jess''': Why?
:'''Rory''': Because.
:'''Jess''': Because why?
:'''Rory''': Because of what happened at Sookie's Wedding.
:'''Jess''': Ah.
:'''Rory''': So me coming back here and seeing you with Shane kind a threw me a bit.
:'''Jess''': I'm sorry, did I hear from you at all this summer? Did I happen to miss the thousands of phone calls you made to me or did the postman lose the letters you sent to me? You kiss me, tell me not to say anything, very flattering by the way. You go off to Washington and then nothing and you're all put out 'cause I didn't sit here and wait for you like Dean would have done. Oh yeah, what about Dean? Are you still with him? Because last time I checked you were and I haven't heard anything to the contrary. Plus the two of you walking around the other day like a damn Annie Hardy movie, it seemed to me like you were pretty together. I half expected you to break into a bar and put on a show.
:'''Rory''': When did you see me with Dean?
:'''Jess''': At that summer insanity thing the town put on.
:'''Rory''': I'm surprised that you could see anything with Shane's head plastered to your face.
:'''Jess''': You didn't answer me.
:'''Rory''': About what?
:'''Jess''': Did you call me at all?
:'''Rory''': No.
:'''Jess''': Did you send me a letter?
:'''Rory''': No.
:'''Jess''': A postcard?
:'''Rory''': No.
:'''Jess''': Smoke signal?
:'''Rory''': Stop!
:'''Jess''': A nice fruit basket?
:'''Rory''': Enough.
:'''Jess''': Are you still with Dean? Come on Rory, yes or no? Are you still with Dean? 
:'''Rory''': Yes I'm still with Dean! Yes. 
:'''Jess''': Glad to hear it. 
:'''Rory''': Glad to tell you.
:'''Jess''': See ya around. 
:'''Rory''': Whatever. 
:'''Jess''': Right back at you.

=== ''Application Anxiety'' [3.03] ===

:'''[[w:Lorelai Gilmore|Lorelai]]''': Well, we spent the first ten minutes on him bugging me to volunteer for more stuff at school, or in lieu of that to make a donation to build the new basketball court, and then another couple of minutes of me convincing him that what sounded like me going &quot;Ha!&quot; was really me clearing my throat, but after that we had a very pleasant, productive conversation.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Rory Gilmore|Rory]]''': He's going to be expecting Chilton High School senior, Trixie McBimbo.
:'''Lorelai''': And her mother, Bambi McBimbo.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lorelai''': State your full name. Better not get that one wrong, and nickname if any.
:'''Rory''': That would be Rory.
:'''Lorelai''': Or droopy drawers.
:'''Rory''': That was never my nickname.
:'''Lorelai''': Wrong! I called you that as a baby.
:'''Rory''': What?
:'''Lorelai''': That's right. Once you had these little Oshkosh cords and they were way to big. Once at the mall they fell right down to your knees and I said &quot;Whoa there droopy drawers&quot;. I'm just afraid if we don't answer every thing accurately the Harvard police will come and hit you with an Atlas and say something mean in Latin.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Luke Danes|Luke]]''': You wanna open the soda shop in the space next to the diner?
:'''Taylor''': It’s the only one that’s appropriate.
:'''Luke''': Taylor, no. No, no, no, and every day from now on 'til the end of my life, I am gonna come in here and say, &quot;Taylor, no!&quot; And when I die, I’m gonna have them freeze me next to [[w:Ted Williams|Ted Williams]], and when they find the cure to what I died of and they unfreeze me, my first words are gonna be, &quot;How’s Ted?&quot;, followed closely by, &quot;Taylor, no!&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lorelai''': Hey, maybe instead of going to college, you should drop out and I could quit my job and we can form an all-girl band with Lane, you know, like [[w:Bananarama|Bananarama]]. We could call it Tangerinarama or Banana-fana-fo-fana-rama. . .or something.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Luke''': What’s that, a toy?
:'''Miss Patty''': Oh, it’s awfully cute.
:'''[[w:Taylor Doose|Taylor]]''': That is a professionally manufactured diorama of the proposed business.
:'''Rory''': Wow, there’s little people and everything.
:'''[[w:Sookie St. James|Sookie]]''': They look so real.
:'''Jackson''': Hey, it’s me holding a tiny zucchini!
:'''Lorelai''': Look at the horse drawn carriage.
:'''Taylor''': My thought was to park it out front with the name of the business painted on the side. It’s very eighteen-hundreds.
:'''Babette''': The horse is taller than the front door.
:'''Lorelai''': Way taller.
:'''Luke''': What are you up to, Taylor? Are you breeding giant horses?
:'''Taylor''': It’s slightly out of proportion.
:'''Babette''': Slightly? That little guy there could walk right under the horse without even ducking.

=== ''One's Got Class and the Other One Dyes'' [3.04] ===

:'''[[w:Lorelai Gilmore|Lorelai]]''': So, I think I'm in touch with the other side.
:'''[[w:Rory Gilmore|Rory]]''': The other side of…
:'''Lorelai''': The other side.
:'''Rory''': With Republicans?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lorelai pulls a shirt from Luke's closet.]''
:'''Lorelai''': Oh my God.
:'''[[w:Luke Danes|Luke]]''': What?
:'''Lorelai''': [[w:Jimmy Buffett|Jimmy Buffett]]?
:'''Luke''': Put that back.
:'''Lorelai''': You like Jimmy Buffett? He's so mellow.
:'''Luke''': I've just been to a few shows, that's all.
:'''Lorelai''': A few shows? Oh my God, you're a Buffetthead.
:'''Luke''': Is that the one you want me to wear or not?
:'''Lorelai''': Sing [[w:Margaritaville|Margaritaville]].
:'''Luke''': No.
:'''[[w:Jess Mariano|Jess]]''': That attitude's gonna lose you that toy.
:'''Luke''': Stay outta this.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lorelai''': Lane can't quit the band. She has to get famous and introduce me to Bono.
:'''Rory''': I told her that.
:'''Lorelai''': All right, let's go eat… see if we can figure out a way to salvage my future as a groupie.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Luke''': Hey, wait now. You're talking crazy talk trying to confuse me now, aren't you?
:'''Lorelai''': Aren't you!
:'''Luke''': What?
:'''Lorelai''': Who?
:'''Luke''': Stop it!
:'''Lorelai''': Bye!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Luke''': Uh, you and I have got to have a little talk.
:'''Jess''': Hey, if you’re gonna get all [[w:Ward Cleaver|Ward Cleaver]] on me, I gotta go call [[w:Eddie Haskell|Eddie]] and [[w:Lumpy Rutherford|Lumpy]] and tell ‘em I’m gonna be late.
:'''Luke''': Shut up for a second, would ya? Look, I know you’re at an age where the whole girl thing is... you know, on your mind a lot, and it’s probably not helping you to think straight with all the hormones and other things that are raging around in there. My point is that you gotta think about things a little better, you know, the way you act. I mean, if you care about a girl the way you do with this Shane –
:'''Jess''': I don’t care about her.
:'''Luke''': What?
:'''Jess''': I don’t even know her last name.
:'''Luke''': You’re kidding.
:'''Jess''': She mentioned it once. Didn’t stick.
:'''Luke''': Well, if you don’t care about her, what are you doing with her?
:'''Jess''': Just hanging with her, no biggie.
:'''Luke''': Well, you gotta be doing something more than hanging with her. I mean, you got to at least be doing something with her to make her jump in a closet when people come into the room.
:'''Jess''': Relax, will ya? All is good.
:'''Luke''': Jess, this isn’t right. You can’t treat a girl like this, like dirt!
:'''Jess''': If it’s any consolation to you, she treats me like dirt, too. It’s a pretty symbiotic relationship.
:'''Luke''': And that’s fine with you?
:'''Jess''': Yes, it is.
:'''Luke''': To just go along in a relationship, you treat somebody bad and they treat you bad back.
:'''Jess''': That’s right.
:'''Luke''': Oh, that makes you happy?
:'''Jess''': I’d do backflips, but I am way too cool.
:'''Luke''': That makes absolutely no sense.
:'''Jess''': It doesn’t have to make sense to you.
:'''Luke''': There are plenty other of girls out there in the world, Jess.
:'''Jess''': Don’t you have to get back to the diner?
:'''Luke''': I mean, you can go out and at least find one that you actually care about.
:'''Jess''': Oh, like it’s that easy.
:'''Luke''': Yeah, it’s that easy if you try.
:'''Jess''': Hey, the girls that I like don’t give a damn about me! And unlike some other people I know, I’m not gonna sit around hoping that they change their minds and suddenly notice me.
:'''Luke''': What’s that supposed to mean?
:'''Jess''': You fixed any neighbor’s porches lately? Or you go on a picnic? Or you get rooked into giving a ridiculous speech at a high school?
:'''Luke''': Shut up.
:'''Jess''': At least I’ve got a little self-esteem.
:'''Luke''': Shut up.
:'''Jess''': I’m not playing [[w:Golden Retriever|Golden Retriever]], hoping one day she’ll turn around and fall in my arms. If she doesn’t wanna be with me, then fine.
:'''Luke''': You have no idea what you’re talking about.
:'''Jess''': Whatever. I gotta go, Shane’s waiting.
:'''Luke''': Oh, you mean What’s-Her-Name?
:'''Jess''': Yeah, I’ll bring you a new leash when I get back.
:'''Luke''': Get outta here!

=== ''Eight O'Clock at the Oasis'' [3.05] ===

:'''[[w:Lorelai Gilmore|Lorelai]]''': Oh, now that kid’s a major drooler. 
:'''[[w:Rory Gilmore|Rory]]''': Yeah, it’s like a fountain. 
:'''[[w:Luke Danes|Luke]]''': Okay, that’s it, they have to go. 
:'''Lorelai''': Luke, come on, it’s just spit. Pretend you’re at a baseball game. 
:'''Luke''': No no no, I’ve had enough. Let them go not spend money at Al’s, I’m through. ''[He starts to walk toward the people when a woman stands up and starts unbuttoning her shirt. Luke walks back to Lorelai and Rory]'' Is that woman doing what I think she’s doing? ''[the woman has started nursing her baby]''
:'''Lorelai''': Um, well, I can’t be a hundred percent sure, but. . .oh yeah, that’s lunch. 
:'''Luke''': Why, why do they do this? This is a public place, people are eating here. 
:'''Rory''': They sure are. 
:'''Luke''': This cannot be sanitary. 
:'''Lorelai''': I agree. You don’t know where that thing’s been. 
:'''Luke''': When did that become acceptable? In the old days, a woman would never consider doing that in public. They’d go find a barn or a cave or something. I mean, it’s indecent. This is a diner not a peep show! 
:'''Lorelai''': Hey, consider making it a combo. You could charge more for your cheeseburgers. Of course, no one would ever feel the same ordering a glass of milk again, but . . . 
:'''Luke''': I have to do something. I just can’t stand here and let the lactating continue. 
:'''Lorelai''': Luke! 
:'''Rory''': Gross! 
:'''Luke''': I’m gross? I’m not the one exposing myself for the entire world to see. That’s it. 
:[''Luke starts to walk over to the woman, then walks back to the counter'']  You go make her stop. 
:'''Lorelai''': I’m not going over there. 
:'''Luke''': Why not? You’re a woman. 
:'''Lorelai''': So what? 
:'''Luke''': So you have the same parts. 
:'''Lorelai''': What? 
:'''Luke''': You shouldn’t be scared of it. 
:'''Lorelai''': Scared of it? You know, you’re gonna be a bachelor for a really long time. 
:'''Luke''': I am being taken advantage of here, and I do not like being taken advantage of. I hate this! 
:[''Jess walks down into the diner and sees the woman nursing''] 
:'''[[w:Jess Mariano|Jess]]''': Oh geez! 
:[''Jess quickly turns around and walks back upstairs. Lorelai and Rory start laughing.''] 
:'''Luke''': Okay, well, that was kind of funny.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lorelai''': ''[Phone rings and Lorelai answers]'' Independence Inn
:'''[[w:Emily Gilmore|Emily]]''': You should really identify yourself when you answer the phone at work.
:'''Lorelai''': Sorry, Independence Inn, major disappointment speaking. Better?
:'''Emily''': Yes, thank you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Michel Gerard|Michel]]''': ''[about an auction]'' And you must always be extremely careful of your paddle movements.
:'''Lorelai''': Well, that certainly calls for a 'Dirty'!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lorelai''': ''[on the phone]'' Hi, yes, I was at your auction yesterday and I was wondering if you could help me. I met a man there and I would like to contact him but I didn't get his name and I wondered if you could look it up for me. He was paddle number seventeen, and...Oh right, confidential, got it...Well, you know, actually, I misspoke earlier because this isn't a complete stranger I'm trying to contact here, he's an old friend from school...Good question. Well, I don't know his name because I only knew him by his nickname....Uh, Shamu. We called him Shamu. He was kind of a big guy in high school, but he's slimmed down quite a bit...No, see, I don't have time to contact the high school alumni committee because time is of the essence....See, Shamu and I went to a liquor store after the auction and we bought a lottery ticket together and we tore it and I took half and he took half, and I'll be damned if the thing didn't win!...Fourteen million dollars!....Really, but see, we have to claim it by four pm today or we forfeit....Ah, yes....Oh, well, but there's one more thing that I forgot to tell you. See, my blood type is o-negative and he's o-negative and I have a medical condition that....All right, then. Well, thank you anyway. Bye. (hangs up)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rory''': Geez, did he talk about anything else but his car?
:'''Lorelai''': Not until we got to the restaurant, then the wine list.
:'''Rory''': Oh no he's a winey?
:'''Lorelai''': Yes, he sniffed and swirled and swished and did every other pretentious and borderline disgusting thing you can do with a glass of wine in a public place.

=== ''Take the Deviled Eggs'' [3.06] ===

:''[Taylor is on a crusade against birds &quot;relieving themselves on helpless passersby&quot;.]''
:'''Babette''': You get dumped on, Taylor?
:'''[[w:Taylor Doose|Taylor]]''': It's not just me.
:'''[[w:Luke Danes|Luke]]''': If anybody has a picture of Taylor being dumped on. I'll pay top dollar.
:'''[[w:Kirk Gleason|Kirk]]''': I'll check the Internet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Miss Patty''': Taylor, all animals have to… you know. How are you gonna stop birds from doing that?
:'''Taylor''': Easy. Put sharp metal spikes on the top of the fixtures, then when they land — pow! They're [[w:Kebab|shish-kebabs]].
:'''[[w:Rory Gilmore|Rory]]''': That's cruel.
:'''Babette''': You can't do that.
:'''Andrew''': I'd rather have bird crap fall on my head.
:'''[[w:Lorelai Gilmore|Lorelai]]''': There it is — our new town slogan.
:'''Rory''': I like it.
:'''Lorelai''': I see coffee mugs, T-shirts.
:'''Rory''': Don't forget stuffed shish-kebabbed birds.
:'''Lorelai''': That moan when you squeeze 'em.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Luke questions Gypsy about Jess's new car.]''
:'''[[w:Luke Danes|Luke]]''': He paid you for it, right?
:'''Gypsy''': Nothing's free at Gypsy's.
:'''Luke''': And he paid cash?
:'''Gypsy''': Mostly twenties.
:'''Luke''': Did you make sure Andrew Jackson was on the bills, not [[w:Alfred E. Neuman|Alfred E. Neuman]] or someone?
:'''Gypsy''': Looked real to me.
:'''Luke''': Well, when he took the money out of wherever he had it, did a mask or a gun fall out?
:'''Gypsy''': No, but he was carrying it in a canvas bag with a big dollar sign on it.
:'''Luke''': Really?
:'''Gypsy''': No.
:'''Luke''': Good.
:'''Gypsy''': Guys are stupid.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jess''': Hey.
:'''Rory''': Hey.
:'''Jess''': Hey, Lane.
:'''Lane''': Hey back at ya, tough guy.
:'''Jess''': What?
:'''Rory''': Lane...
:'''Jess''': Something wrong?
:'''Rory''': No...
:'''Lane''': Yes! You have a car.
:'''Jess''': I know.
:'''Lane''': Don’t give me lip!
:'''Jess''': Lip?
:'''Rory''': Lane...
:'''Lane''': How’d you get the car, Jess?
:'''Jess''': I bought it?
:'''Lane''': Really, I thought you might’ve built it from parts left over from cars you’ve totaled.
:'''Jess''': What is your problem?
:'''Lane''': Don’t play dumb! You know what you did.
:'''Jess''': I gotta go.
:'''Lane''': Yes, drive on away, we’ll just keep walking. That’s all Rory’s been able to do these past few months – lots of walking. She’s got bunions because of you, mister!
:'''Jess''': Bunions?
:'''Rory''': I don’t have bunions.
:'''Lane''': She’s too nice to complain about her foot ailments!
:'''Jess''': Knock it off, Lane!
:'''Rory''': Just get in the car and go, Jess.
:'''Jess''': I didn’t start this.
:'''Lane''': Well, you started it when you wrecked Rory’s car!
:'''Jess''': Tell your friend to walk it off.
:'''Rory''': You walk it off!
:'''Jess''': I’m trying to DRIVE off!
:'''Rory''': Then go!
:'''Jess''': Geez, how [[w:Andy_Griffith_Show|Andy Griffith]] is this town that people get so excited by a car?
:'''Rory''': It’s not the car, it’s who’s got the car.
:'''Jess''': Okay, fine, you want it? Take it, I’m sick of this.
:'''Rory''': I don’t want this piece of junk!
:'''Jess''': Right. I suppose Dean is already building you another car, something really snazzy.
:'''Rory''': Shut up and go!
:'''Jess''': Gladly.
:'''Rory''': Let’s go.
:'''Lane''': Gladly!
:'''Rory''': ''[to Jess]'' Oh, and by the way, you left your bra in the back seat!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Reverend''': The church is exempt from your town statutes, Taylor.
:'''Rabbi''': We answer to a higher authority… like the hot dog.
:'''Reverend''': I laugh every time you say that.
:'''Rabbi''': I know. Funny is funny.
:'''Taylor''': Well, I can guarantee that God does not want this either.
:'''Reverend''': Did you hear that, David? Taylor Doose is in direct communication with God.
:'''Rabbi''': Thirty years I'm working for God, I haven't received so much as a card.
:'''Reverend''': Is it by phone that you speak with him, Taylor?
:'''Rabbi''': Do you have a God phone, Taylor?
:'''Taylor''': Rabbi, please.
:'''Reverend''': What's he like? For us common folk who've never met him?
:'''Rabbi''': Is he short, is he tall?
:'''Reverend''': Does he like to laugh?
:'''Rabbi''': Is the whole shellfish thing really serious? Because, I gotta tell you, some of these Red Lobster commercials…

=== ''They Shoot Gilmores, Don't They?'' [3.07] ===

:'''[[w:Sookie St. James|Sookie]]''': Last night, I made coq au vin for dinner, so of course the subject of children came up. 
:'''[[w:Lorelai Gilmore|Lorelai]]''': Of course. 
:'''Sookie''': All of a sudden, completely out of the blue, Jackson announces he wants four in four. 
:'''Lorelai''': He wants what? 
:'''Sookie''': Four in four. Four kids in four years. 
:'''Lorelai''': Good Lord! 
:'''Sookie''': I know! 
:'''Lorelai''': Well, who’s he gonna have these kids with? 
:'''Sookie''': Me, apparently. 
:'''Lorelai''': What did you say? 
:'''Sookie''': See, here’s where, uh, the problem comes in. 
:'''Lorelai''': What? 
:'''Sookie''': I think I said yes. 
:'''Lorelai''': How is that possible? 
:'''Sookie''': Well, I was totally shocked when he announced it and I sort of said, &quot;O. . kay&quot; and . . but I think he took it as, &quot;Okay!&quot; So, apparently, now I have to get busy. 
:'''Lorelai''': Do you want four in four? 
:'''Sookie''': No. But, I mean, I want kids. You know I want kids. 
:'''Lorelai''': I know you want kids. 
:'''Sookie''': But I thought maybe one. Two if the first one is really quiet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Rory and Dean walk up to the table where Lane is serving food. Jess is in front of them.]''
:'''[[w:Rory Gilmore|Rory]]''': The sandwiches are for the dancers.
:'''[[w:Jess Mariano|Jess]]''': I’m dancing on the inside.
:'''Rory''': What are you doing here?
:'''Jess''': I live here.
:'''Rory''': You have nothing better to do than to sit around inside a gymnasium all day staring at a dance marathon?
:'''Jess''': I don’t know. [to Dean] Do you have nothing better to do than sit inside a gymnasium all day staring at a dance marathon?
:'''[[w:Dean Forrester|Dean]]''': I wouldn’t direct any sort of comment toward me if I were you.
:'''Jess''': I’m just trying to support my town.
:'''Rory''': Good, then go back to New York.
:'''Jess''': Ooh, zing! I’ve been snapped!
:'''Rory''': You think you’re bugging me sitting in front of me staring like that?
:'''Jess''': You think you’re bugging me dancing in front of me staring like that?
:'''Rory''': I’m not staring at you.
:'''Jess''': Then how do you know I’m staring at you?
:'''Rory''': I am dancing. I cannot control where my glance goes. And the few moments that I can control it, my glance goes to Dean, not to you.
:'''Jess''': So you can’t control when you look at me, but you have to force yourself to look at him? Sorry, man. That’s cold.
:'''Dean''': My former comment still stands. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dean''': I’m not her boyfriend anymore. 
:'''Rory''': What? 
:'''Dean''': You know, I tried to ignore this. I really did, but I don’t know what the hell I was thinking. 
:'''Rory''': What are you talking about? 
:'''Dean''': You don’t wanna be with me, Rory. 
:'''Rory''': Yes, I do. 
:'''Dean''': Oh, please! You’ve been into him since he got to town, and I have spent weeks – months, actually – trying to convince myself that it wasn’t true, that everything was fine between us. But now I know that I was an idiot. You’re into him and he’s into you, and Shane, who by the way, should be listening to this ‘cause it’s so damn obvious. 
:'''Rory''': What’s obvious? What did I do? 
:'''Dean''': Everyone can see it, Rory! Everyone. And I’m tired, but I’m over it, so go ahead, go. Be together. There’s nothing standing in your way now, ‘cause I’m out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rory''': I can't even open my eyes.
:'''Lorelai''': That's okay, there's nothing to see. Kirk's in a Speedo, Taylor's in a skirt, Al's in assless chaps.
:'''Rory''': Oh my God, stop. I'm never gonna be able to close my eyes again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jess walks up to Rory as she is sitting on the bridge]''
:'''Jess''': Dean's a jerk yelling at you like that, breaking up in front of everyone. The guy's a total jerk.
:'''Rory''': No, he's not..he was right...everything he said, all those things about you and me, all those things about me...lying to him, messing with his head. He was right. ''[pause, she looks up at Jess]'' Well, wasn't he?....Fine, he was right about me then, now go away.
:''[Jess takes a breath]''
:'''Jess''': He was right about...all of it. 
:'''Rory''': So what now?
:'''Jess''': You definitely broken up with Dean?
:'''Rory''': Yeah, I'm definitely broken up with Dean.
:'''Jess''': I have to go take care of something then.

=== ''Let the Games Begin'' [3.08] ===

:'''[[w:Jess Mariano|Jess]]''': Hi.
:'''[[w:Rory Gilmore|Rory]]''': Hey.
:'''Jess''': Hi.
:'''[[w:Lorelai Gilmore|Lorelai]]''': Hi.
:'''Jess''': Hi.
:'''[[w:Luke Danes|Luke]]''': Hi.
:'''Rory''': I have to get to school.
:'''Jess''': Yeah, me too.
:'''Rory''': Bye
:'''Jess''': Bye. Bye.
:'''Lorelai''': Bye.
:'''Rory''': Bye.
:'''Lorelai''': Bye.
:'''Rory''': Bye.
:'''Luke''': Bye.
:''[Jess and Rory leave.]''
:'''Luke''': What the hell was that?
:'''Lorelai''': That was episode one of &quot;Rory and Jess: The Early Years&quot;.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jess''': What do you think is gonna happen?
:'''Luke''': You know what I think is gonna happen.
:'''Jess''': No, I don’t. Tell me. Tell me what I’m gonna do to her.
:'''Luke''': You’re not gonna do anything to her because when you’re at her place, there’s Lorelai, and when you’re here, there’s me, and when you’re out there, there’s Taylor.
:'''Jess''': Romeo and Juliet had warring families and they still managed to do a little damage, you know?
:'''Luke''': Well, as soon as I catch you in a pair of tights, I’ll get worried. Until then, do your homework.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Luke''': Uh, listen, I just want you to know that I had a little talk with Jess earlier.
:'''Lorelai''': You did?
:'''Luke''': Yes, I did, and I really laid down the rules concerning him and Rory. Trust me, he now knows that I am going to be watching them every second they are together.
:'''Lorelai''': Oh good.
:'''Luke''': Yup.
:'''Lorelai''': You know, they're together now.
:'''Luke''': What?
:'''Lorelai''': Oh yeah. &quot;I have to get a part for my car&quot;, &quot;I'm going to go study&quot; — that's kid code for &quot;Meet me at the previously agreed upon location far away from my clueless uncle&quot;.
:'''Luke''': You're kidding me, right? You don't really think that… damn, they are. They're together. They used the kid code and now they're together.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
[''Lorelai finds the bracelet that Dean made for Rory on the dresser'']
:'''Lorelai''': Oh wow. I guess this means there really isn’t a Dean anymore, huh?
:'''Rory''': Yeah, that and it broke in the shower this morning. Though I probably would’ve taken it off anyway.
:'''Lorelai''': Or Jess would’ve done it for you.
:'''Rory''': What did that mean?
:'''Lorelai''': It just meant Jess wouldn’t want you wearing another guy’s bracelet.
:'''Rory''': Or that Jess is a thief and he would’ve stolen it.
:'''Lorelai''': It does work on both levels, doesn’t it?
:'''Rory''': So this is how it’s gonna be from now on?
:'''Lorelai''': What does that mean?
:'''Rory''': You like Dean and you hate Jess.
:'''Lorelai''': Rory.
:'''Rory''': Jess will always be the evil guy who mouthed off to you and wrecked my car and Dean will always be the perfect guy who would come over and change the water bottle.
:'''Lorelai''': Aw, I forgot about the water bottle.
:'''Rory''': Mom.
:'''Lorelai''': Rory, I said nothing. I didn’t mean what you thought I meant about Jess. I’m trying to be supportive about this.
:'''Rory''': How supportive?
:'''Lorelai''': Supportive. You know, go team.
:'''Rory''': I’m serious, I wanna know how it’s gonna be. Like, can I invite him over?
:'''Lorelai''': Of course you can invite him over.
:'''Rory''': Well, can he actually come into the house?
:'''Lorelai''': Yes, he can come into the house
:'''Rory''': Are you going to talk to him?
:'''Lorelai''': I'll at least match him grunt for grunt.
:'''Rory''': Okay. Now, let's say he's in the house and there's a fire and you can either save him or your shoes - which is it?
:'''Lorelai''': That depends, did he start the fire?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jess''': Here we are.
:'''Rory''': Yeah, here we are. So, tell me, what’s your decision about smoking that depending on? 
:'''Jess''': On what’s gonna happen.
:'''Rory''': When?
:'''Jess''': Now.
:''[They kiss]''
:'''Rory''': I’m glad you didn’t smoke it. 
:'''Jess''': Oh yeah? 
:'''Rory''': Yeah. 
:''[they kiss again]'' 
:'''Jess''': Well, whatever else happens between us, at least we know that part works.
:'''Rory''': I have to go. 
:'''Jess''': What? Did I do something or – 
:'''Rory''': No, no. This was. . . you were – are. . .it was wonderful, and I look forward to many similar occurrences in the future, but right now, I have to go. Understand? 
:'''Jess''': Not at all. 
:'''Rory''': It’s more fun that way, isn’t it?

=== ''A Deep Fried Korean Thanksgiving''  ===

:'''[[w:Emily Gilmore|Emily]]''': I've called several times the past few weeks and you've skillfully avoided every call.
:'''[[w:Lorelai Gilmore|Lorelai]]''': No, that's not true. I've left messages on your machine.
:'''Emily''': Yes, messages. And then if I happened to pick up, you'd hang up. Or if the maid picked up, you'd ask for me, then claim you were driving through a tunnel so you might get cut off, and then you'd make garbling noises and hang up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Luke Danes|Luke]]''': Shouldn't we give thanks first?
:'''[[w:Jess Mariano|Jess]]''': Thanks for what?
:'''Luke''': Well, that we're not Native Americans who got their land stolen in exchange for smallpox infested blankets.
:'''Lorelai''': Amen.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lorelai''': So no offense but what's with that lame-o kiss?
:'''[[w:Rory Gilmore|Rory]]''': What?
:'''Lorelai''': You and Jess, you look like a couple of chickens pecking each other.
:'''Rory''': Mind your own business.
:'''Lorelai''': Well it was right in front of me.
:'''Rory''': So, I don't need a review.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paris Geller|Paris]]''': My Thanksgiving is turning into a [[w:Wes Craven|Wes Craven]] movie. 
:'''Rory''': How so? 
:'''Paris''': I called shelters to volunteer to serve food. It’s Thanksgiving – you’d think they have needs. Nope. Every stupid soup kitchen in town turned me down because they have enough volunteers. 
:'''Madeline''': Bummer. 
:'''Paris''': I’m on a couple waiting lists, but it doesn’t look good. 
:'''Rory''': I’ve never heard of too many volunteers. 
:'''Paris''': Who are all these jackasses who volunteered anyway? They can’t all be students like me. They’re not all putting it on a college application. I get something out of it and these other people don’t get a thing. Talk about selfish.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jess carries the trash bag down the street, and he finds Dean standing on the sidewalk.]''
:'''[[w:Dean Forester|Dean]]''': Nothing to say?
:'''Jess''': Guess not.
:'''Dean''': That’s funny, you usually have something to say.
:'''Jess''': Guess I’m all talked out.
:'''Dean''': What’s the matter, Jess? Why you walking away?
:'''Jess''': It’s getting a little [[w:West Side Story|West Side Story]] here, Dean, and I gotta warn you, my dancing skills are not up to snuff.
:'''Dean''': But now’s your chance, there’s no one else around.
:'''Jess''': Go home. Cool off.
:'''Dean''': Come on, make one of your [[w:Boy Scouts of America|Boy Scout]] references, or a good [[w:Hormel|Farmer John]] joke. I got my Doose’s Market apron with me: you want me to put it on, give you a little inspiration? I don’t get it, what happened, you suddenly like me now?
:'''Jess''': Oh yeah, I was just about to invite you campin'.
:'''Dean''': Good, okay, now we’re gettin' somewhere.
:'''Jess''': I’m not gonna fight you, Dean.
:'''Dean''': Why?
:'''Jess''': ‘Cause if I fight you, Rory’s gonna think it’s my fault, so just forget it, okay? Just forget it. Go home. Let it rest.
:'''Dean''': So Rory’s got a nice little hold on you now, huh?
:'''Jess''': Geez. [Dean gets right front of his face.] Don’t do that.
:'''Dean''': How does it feel?
:'''Jess''': It feels like I’m with Rory and you’re not.
:'''Dean''': You know, when all this happened with you and me and Rory, I figured I’d just stay out of everyone’s way, that that would be easiest. But now, I’m looking at you and I’m thinking, I’m gonna run from him? The [[w:Plastic wrap|Glad]] man? This is my town, I’m not hiding. And I don’t have be remotely calm around you anymore, and I like that feeling. I like it a lot. Happy Thanksgiving, Jess.

=== ''That'll Do, Pig'' ===

:'''[[w:Emily Gilmore|Emily]]''': If I came in there wearing white gloves, what would I find?
:'''[[w:Lorelai Gilmore|Lorelai]]''': That you could pull a rabbit out of your hat? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Emily''': This couch cannot stay.
:'''Lorelai''': Yes, it can.
:'''Emily''': It’s awful.
:'''Lorelai''': It can hear you.
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lorelai''': Okay, so monkey lamp’s in the closet, singing rabbi’s in a drawer, and all [[w:Spice Girl|Spice Girl]] memorabilia’s under your bed. How do I look?
:'''[[w:Rory Gilmore|Rory]]''': Like a woman who does not own any Spice Girl memorabilia.
:'''Lorelai''': You look pretty, too.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lorelai''': You need to develop a defense mechanism for dealing with Grandma. 
:'''Emily''': What are you talking about? 
:'''Lorelai''': You just need a system, a new mindset. Take me, for example. 
:'''Emily''': What about you? 
:'''Lorelai''': Well, I know there are many things in my life you don't approve of. 
:'''Emily''': Like what? 
:'''Lorelai''': Like this couch. 
:'''Emily''': Well, this couch is terrible. 
:'''Lorelai''': Okay, good – you think the couch is terrible. Now, at one point in my life, you saying a couch that I carefully picked out and had to pay off over eight months is terrible might've hurt my feelings, but not anymore. 
:'''Emily''': No? 
:'''Lorelai''': No. 
:'''Emily''': Why not? 
:'''Lorelai''': Because one day, I decided that instead of being hurt and upset by your disapproval, I'm gonna be amused. I'm gonna find it funny. I'm even going to take a little bit of pleasure in it. 
:'''Emily''': You take pleasure in my disapproval? 
:'''Lorelai''': I encourage it sometimes just for a laugh. 
:'''Emily''': I don't know what to think of that. 
:'''Lorelai''': Think, ‘hey, that's brilliant', because this idea could set you free.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Clara''': Is Jess your real name? 
:'''[[w:Jess Mariano|Jess]]''': Yes. 
:'''Clara''': Do you like it? 
:'''Jess''': It's fine. 
:'''Clara''': Would you rather be named Bill? 
:'''Jess''': No. 
:'''Clara''': Frank? 
:'''Jess''': No. 
:'''Clara''': Mike? 
:'''Jess''': No. 
:'''Clara''': Bob? 
:'''Jess''': No. 
:'''Clara''': Ed? 
:'''Jess''': Does this belong to you? 
:'''[[w:Dean Forrester|Dean]]''': Clara, you want a snowcone? 
:'''Clara''': Yes, will you get me a snowcone? 
:'''Jess''': Absolutely. Go stand in the middle of the street and wait for me, I'll be right back.

=== ''I Solemnly Swear'' ===

:'''[[w:Lorelai Gilmore|Lorelai]]''': Who would ever have thought that all inns need doors?
:'''[[w:Sookie St. James|Sookie]]''': Not me.
:'''Lorelai''': And floors.
:'''Sookie''': Doors and floors, we can’t afford that.
:'''Lorelai''': Well, we better, otherwise our guests will fall right through to China.
:'''Sookie''': I can just imagine the phone calls.
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paris Geller|Paris]]''': How many times do I have to tell them? You can’t put a two-inch ladle of gravy into a one-inch potato crater. You either need a smaller ladle or a bigger crater – otherwise, you get this.
:'''[[w:Rory Gilmore|Rory]]''': Gravy on your asparagus.
:'''Paris''': Yes.
:'''Rory''': Paris, the cafeteria workers serve hundreds of students a day. A little gravy spillage is natural.
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Emily Gilmore|Emily]]''': That was our lawyer calling to inform me that one of our former maids is suing for wrongful termination.
:'''Lorelai''': Hm.
:'''Emily''': You might at least act surprised.
:'''Lorelai''': It’s not the first time, is it?
:'''Emily''': It most certainly is.
:'''Lorelai''': Really?
:'''Emily''': Yes, Lorelai, really.
:'''Lorelai''': Well, then, I’m surprised. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rory''': Which maid was it?
:'''Emily''': Gertha, the one from Hamburg, Germany.
:'''Lorelai''': Which one was she?
:'''Rory''': You remember. She was the one who you made all those Hamburg-hamburger jokes to.
:'''Lorelai''': God, I beat that dead horse.
:'''Rory''': With glee.
:'''Emily''': She was the clomper.
:'''Lorelai''': The clomper?
:'''Emily''': She'd be upstairs making the bed and it'd sound like a Munich beer hall rally.
:'''Lorelai''': That's why you fired her?
:'''Emily''': Yes.
:'''Lorelai''': Because she made noise when she walked?
:'''Emily''': Yes.
:'''Lorelai''': Was she a good maid otherwise? 
:'''Emily''': What? 
:'''Lorelai''': Besides the clomping, was she polite, on time, made sure the little fork went on the outside? 
:'''Emily''': Have you been listening to me? She was not performing her duties as I wished them to be performed. Everything else is beside the point. 
:'''Lorelai''': Well, I guess it’s always something, isn’t it? 
:'''Emily''': What’s that supposed to mean? 
:'''Lorelai''': It means you always seem to find the one thing about a maid that negates all of her good qualities. I mean, at a certain point, isn’t it just easier to let a couple things slide? 
:'''Emily''': I see. So it’s my fault? 
:'''Lorelai''': I didn’t say that. 
:'''Emily''': No, Lorelai, you did. For years, I’ve been listening to you and your father and everyone else go on and on about how demanding I am, how I have to have things a certain way. Well, guess what? I pay to have them that way. I pay more than anyone else pays their maids, and when things are not the way I want, that means I’m not getting what I paid for. Why is that so hard to understand? 
:'''Lorelai''': It isn’t hard to understand, it’s just – 
:'''Emily''': If you pay for first class and the airline sticks you in coach, people expect you to be upset. No one calls you demanding or unreasonable. And yet here is this woman whom I pay more than she can get anywhere else in Hartford, whose severance package could finance a summer cruise down the Rhine, dragging me into court saying that I was unfair. Why? Because having paid for one thing, I’m not content with something else? That makes me unfair? Well, then, so be it. Let someone else pay first class and ride in steerage, not me. 
:'''Maid''': Excuse me, Mrs. Gilmore, dinner’s ready 
:'''Emily''': Thank you, Brooke, we’ll be right there. 
:''[Brooke walks away; Lorelai and Rory start to get up]'' 
:'''Emily''': Wait, wait, wait. Do you hear that? 
:'''Lorelai''': Hear what? 
:'''Emily''': Exactly. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lorelai''': Okay. Now, Sookie’s on top of the menu. Let’s make sure the dining room’s open for a late lunch, and we need to confirm the number of rooms they’ll need. 
:'''Michel''': Yes, I have all of this written down on a notepad right next to my self-help book, &quot;Why Don’t People Think You Know What The Hell You’re Doing?&quot;

=== ''Lorelai, Out of Water'' ===

:'''[[w:Rory Gilmore|Rory]]''': I appreciate that. So, tell me, your cousin getting married Saturday, what’s his story?
:'''[[w:Lane Kim|Lane]]''': James. Very quiet, kind of skulky, couldn’t meet anyone here, so his family arranged to have a girl shipped over from the old country.
:'''Rory''': I hope they cut air holes in the box.
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Lorelai Gilmore|Lorelai]]''': Hey, got any good stories?
:'''[[w:Luke Danes|Luke]]''': Nope, sorry.
:'''Lorelai''': Ah, nothing? No crazy, colorful uncle? Best friend with a funny name?
:'''Luke''': Jeff Smith?
:'''Lorelai''': Skeletons in the family closet? War wounds? Funny shaped scars?
:'''Luke''': It really throws you off when Rory’s late, doesn’t it?
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Luke''': So you’re gonna fish to fulfill your destiny?
:'''Lorelai''': That’s right.
:'''Luke''': And you’re gonna learn to fish to fulfill your destiny from a book?
:'''Lorelai''': Yes.
:'''Luke''': And you sanctioned this?
:'''Rory''': Yes.
:'''Luke''': Okay, Thelma, Louise, possibly there’s another way to learn to fish.
:'''Lorelai''': The Fishing Channel.
:'''Luke''': I fish.
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rory''': You set my alarm for 5:15 a.m.
:'''Lorelai''': ''[walking into the kitchen]'' I know, and I did it for purely practical reasons.
:'''Rory''': Which are?
:'''Lorelai''': My alarm is just not as reliable as your scream.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lorelai''': I look adorable! No one ever told me that if you fish, you get to buy an outfit. I'll do just about anything if I can buy an outfit!

=== ''Dear Emily and Richard'' ===

:''[Flashback to Rory's birth.]''
:'''[[w:Lorelai Gilmore|Young Lorelai]]''': Okay, this is a big pain and I'd really like it to go away, please.
:'''Nurse''': Just breathe deep, honey.
:'''Young Lorelai''': Breathing doesn't help. Can I hit you instead?
:'''Nurse''': What?
:'''Young Lorelai''': Or pinch you really hard, 'cause that might make me feel better.
:'''Nurse''': No, you cannot hit me.
:'''Young Lorelai''': Can I bite you or pull your hair or use the Epilady on you, 'cause I really need to do something.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Dean walks up to the counter]''
:'''[[w:Dean Forrester|Dean]]''': I gotta place an order.
:'''[[w:Jess Mariano|Jess]]''': Talk into the clown.
:'''Dean''': I am.
:'''Jess''': (annoyed) ... What do you want?
:'''Dean''': Six burgers, three with cheese; two cheddar, one Swiss. Two plain, one with chili, cheese and onions on the side... Your memory’s that good?
:'''Jess''': You’re screwing with me.
:'''Dean''': I’m placing an order.
:'''Jess''': For all of Connecticut.
:'''Dean''': For the construction crew next door.
:'''Jess''': Oh, you’re Taylor’s errand boy now.
:'''Dean''': And you’re Taylor’s waitress.
:'''Jess''': Say that a little closer.
:'''Dean''': I thought you had a girlfriend.
:'''Jess''': Give me your order and get out.
:'''Dean''': Service with a smile. Uh, six burgers, three cheese; two cheddar, one Swiss. Two plain burgers, one chili burger with cheese and onions on the side. Three ham on ryes; one mayo, one mustard, one combo. A combo means mustard and–
:'''Jess''': I know what a combo means.
:'''Dean''': Sorry, guess that confused look is just how your face is.
:'''Jess''': Do you wanna talk about this outside?
:'''Dean''': Just as soon as I’m finished. Uh, four hot dogs. Two egg salads on white. One chicken salad on wheat. A chef's salad with ranch. Five fries. Five onion rings. Two chips. Extra pickles.
:'''Jess''': On what?
:'''Dean''': Excuse me?
:'''Jess''': What are the extra pickles on?
:'''Dean''': On the side.
:'''Jess''': On the side of what? On the side of the burgers, on the side of the sandwiches, or on the side of the road where the ditch I’m gonna dump your body into is?
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lorelai''': ''[about a package]'' It’s from my mother.
:'''[[w:Rory Gilmore|Rory]]''': What is it?
:'''Lorelai''': It’s heavy. Must be her hopes and dreams for me.
:'''Rory''': I thought she discarded those years ago.
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lorelai''': And the second thing is, you need to tell me why you’re sitting like that. 
:'''Sherry''': Maureen told me that [[w:Howard Stern|Howard Stern]] said that if you squat, it makes the baby come out faster. 
:'''Lorelai''': Okay, as long as you have a sane reason from a reliable source.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Emily Gilmore|Emily]]''': You do not just leave a note. You call and say: &quot;Mom, I'm in labor. Will you please drive me to the damned hospital?!&quot;

=== ''Swan Song'' ===

:'''[[w:Rory Gilmore|Rory]]''': Hanging out with Jess for most of the day, studying at night.
:'''[[w:Lorelai Gilmore|Lorelai]]''': Cool. Alex and I are having dinner tomorrow night.
:'''Rory''': Good. That’ll make it nice and quiet for when I study.
:'''Lorelai''': I’m that loud?
:'''Rory''': You are when you dance around singing ‘Rory’s Studying’ songs.
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Jess Mariano|Jess]]''': ''[about Emily]'' Does she know what I look like?
:'''Rory''': I don’t think so.
:'''Jess''': Perfect. Find someone who vaguely resembles me. Take him. Just don’t kiss him goodnight.
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rory''': Okay, what’s the packing crisis?
:'''Lorelai''': That’s the thing. I have no packing crisis. For the first time in my life, there is no packing crisis. See? This has never happened to me before. I’m all packed, ready to go, and fully confident that I have everything I’ll need or desire.
:'''Rory''': So you’re creating a crisis out of nostalgia? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Luke Danes|Luke]]''': ''[to Jess]'' When you date a girl like Rory, you’re involved with her whole family. Just like that last girl you dated, you were involved with her whole petri dish.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rory''': We need a signal. 
:'''Lorelai''': A kissing signal? 
:'''Rory''': Something to avoid this. 
:'''Lorelai''': Okay, um, how ‘bout I shoot off a flare when I’m outside necking with a boy? 
:'''Rory''': You know what I mean. 
:'''Lorelai''': Or I could bang on the door and yell, &quot;Hey, we’re necking out here!&quot; 
:'''Rory''': I still say we need a signal.

=== ''Face-Off'' ===

:'''[[w:Lorelai Gilmore|Lorelai]]''': Have you seen my brown boots? I cannot go out without those brown boots. My entire outfit was retrofitted around those practically – Oh! Wait, can you believe it? Hey, they were in my closet. What sort of bizarre accident of fate put them there?
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lorelai''': Okay, for starters, I think you have to realize something – you were really lucky with Dean. He was an exceptional first boyfriend, and you got spoiled. Most of us didn’t have first boyfriends like Dean. Most of us had first boyfriends like Brian Hutchins.
:'''[[w:Rory Gilmore|Rory]]''': Brian Hutchins?
:'''Lorelai''': Seventh grade, I’m sitting in the library, walks up, asks me to go steady. I say yes. He walks away and I don’t see him again until the tenth grade when he tries to sell me a dimebag at the Sadies Hawkins Day dance. And he was way overcharging for it, too.
:'''Rory''': That’s demented.
:'''Lorelai''': Well, that’s what most of us had to put up with. Where do you think the [[w:Susan Faludi|Susan Faludi]]’s of the world came from?
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lorelai''': It’ll be fun. There’ll be cheerleaders and clowns, people doing the wave.
:'''Rory''': You have no idea what a hockey game is, do you?
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rory''': If I had known sports were so much about eating, I would’ve come to a lot more of these.
:'''[[w:Lane Kim|Lane]]''': I know. There’s something deeply satisfying about watching other people exercise while eating junk food.
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rory''': Your mom loves Dave? 
:'''Lane''': She said he’s a righteous young man who’s proven he can be trusted around antique furniture. In her book, that’s pretty close to love.

=== ''The Big One'' ===

:'''[[w:Rory Gilmore|Rory]]''': It’s nothing, it’s just Paris. There’s this speech contest for the bicentennial, and I wasn’t even going to enter it, but I don’t know – with the whole ‘it’s my last chance to crush you before graduation’ comment, I want to enter, I want to win, and I wanna dance around her saying ‘I win, I win, I win!’
:'''[[w:Lorelai Gilmore|Lorelai]]''': Wow, you’re getting more and more like me everyday.
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Richard Gilmore|Richard]]''': Ah, you’re here.
:'''Lorelai''': And you are by far the most masculine-looking maid my parents have ever had.
:'''Richard''': It’s chaos here. The second maid called in sick, the first is busy with dinner, and your poor mother is at the hospital. Her DAR group suffered a surfeit of strokes this week.
:'''Lorelai''': Come again?
:'''Richard''': Three of her friends had strokes. And now she is hopping from sick bed to sick bed offering whatever comfort she can.
:''[they start walking to the living room]''
:'''Lorelai''': Three DAR strokes. What’s in that water they’re drinking?
:'''Richard''': Well, a little whiskey, usually. Oh, and you’re forgetting Liesl.
:'''Lorelai''': What?
:'''Richard''': Our East-German maid. She was much more masculine-looking than me.
:'''Lorelai''': Right, the [[w:Sideburns|muttonchops]].
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lorelai''': You’re a hell of a lot more interesting than that usual shot they have of all the white men walking around that big empty chamber with the numbers all over them.
:'''Richard''': That’s a televised house vote, and I find that fascinating.
:'''Lorelai''': It’s like watching the [[w:Men's Wearhouse|Men’s Wearhouse]] security camera.
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paris Geller|Paris]]''': You know, it’s funny, me standing here before you right now. I’ve thought about nothing else for four years but this school, this big important school with all of its history and tradition and really super teachers. And I dedicated myself to it completely, heart and soul, believing in its power, believing in its ability to get me where I needed to go. Harvard. I thought of nothing else. Many of you out there can attest to that fact. I was on my way and nothing could stop me. And here’s the really funny thing – after four years of slaving away, I go home today and I found this. [holds up an envelope] I’m not going to Harvard. I got the tiny envelope, the one that reads, &quot;Sorry, Paris. We’re not interested. Try again next year. Love, Harvard.&quot; And the thing that’s really funny here is, who in the world deserves to go to Harvard more than me? Have you seen how hard I’ve worked over these past four years? I mean, can anyone here believe that I’m not going to Harvard? I can’t. I’m not going to Harvard. I am not going to Harvard. I had sex, but I’m not going to Harvard.
:'''Rory''': Okay.
:'''Paris''': And I have to tell you that if you asked me which of those two events I thought would be the least likely to happen, it would not be the not going to Harvard.
:'''Rory''': Thank you and good night.
:'''Paris''': I’m being punished. I had sex, so now I don’t get to go to Harvard.
:'''Rory''': Paris, come on. ''[leads Paris off the stage]''
:'''Paris''': She’s never had sex. She’ll probably go to Harvard. She’s a shoe in. Pack your chastity belt, Gilmore – you’re going to Harvard!
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sookie''':  I’m not getting rid of my knives, Jackson. I’m a chef, I have to have knives.
:'''Jackson''': Sookie.
:'''Sookie''':  And I’m also not cutting off the water supply and I’m not sanding down all the edges of my furniture. Now, I’m sorry that you think this house is a deathtrap, and I’m sorry that you think there is nothing in our lifestyles that is conducive to having a baby, but our kid is gonna have to be bright enough not to disconnect the water hose that goes to the automatic ice maker and shove it up his or her nose. Now go to sleep.

=== ''A Tale of Poes and Fire'' ===

:'''[[w:Luke Danes|Luke]]''': Well, he didn't even tell me about it. I got a letter addressed to the family of Jess Mariano inviting me down to some little ceremony they're having.
:'''[[w:Lorelai Gilmore|Lorelai]]''': Are you going?
:'''Luke''': Oh, he'd hate it if I was there. You know, seeing him participating in some corporate ceremony like that, being called upstanding and responsible, it would kill him. Yeah, I'm going.
:'''Lorelai''':  Good boy.
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Sookie St. James|Sookie]]''': Well, ever since I got pregnant, I've become very nurturing toward all living things. Jackson, too.
:'''Lorelai''': Well, both your bodies are changing.
:'''Sookie''': Yesterday.. .ugh, it was awful. Jackson moved a table and just kind of nicked this spider. He didn't see the little thing, and just clipped one of its legs. And it was having trouble walking and we were so upset, but Jackson made a new leg for it out of a paper clip, but jamming the clip into the spider killed it instantly. Little [[w:Louis Armstrong|Satchmo]].
:'''Lorelai''': You named the spider Satchmo?
:'''Sookie''': After Jackson's uncle.
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lorelai''': Oh, mime. That reminds me – Yale, best drama school bar none. Put that in the pro column.
:'''[[w:Rory Gilmore|Rory]]''': I'm not taking drama.
:'''Lorelai''': No, but it means you'll have the best on-campus productions. You'll get to see the next [[w:Meryl Streep|Meryl Streep]] all goofy and eighteen and doing crap like, &quot;Hey, name an occupation!&quot; &quot;Plumber!&quot; &quot;Name a farm tool now!&quot; &quot;Tractor!&quot; &quot;Hey, I'm a tractor doing. . .plumbing.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Rory is entertaining some kids by using her socks to give a puppet show. Lorelai walks over]'' 
:'''Rory''':  &quot;Where are you going? I told you to take out the garbage!&quot; &quot;Nag, nag, nag. I wanna watch football and sit in my reclining chair.&quot; &quot;Get back here or I'm gonna get you. . .&quot; [sees Lorelai] Oh, hey, guys, hold on a second.
:'''Boy''': No, keep going.
:'''Rory''': Oh, calm down there, little scooter. I'll be right back.
:''[Rory walks over to Lorelai]'' 
:'''Lorelai''': Hey [[w:Shari Lewis|Shari Lewis]], how's the show going?
:'''Rory''': Oh, they're riveted.
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lorelai''': Okay. [to kids] Hey, guys, go on over to the diner and have breakfast with your families, and then ask the nice man in the baseball hat and the flannel shirt to do sock puppets for you. And if he says no, just ask him louder – it's part of the game!'

=== ''Happy Birthday, Baby'' ===

:'''[[w:Emily Gilmore|Emily]]''': Take the cake into the kitchen now, Teresa.
:'''[[w:Lorelai Gilmore|Lorelai]]''': Wait, aren't I supposed to blow out the candles?
:'''Emily''': Oh, Teresa can do that.
:'''Lorelai''': Mom, it's tradition for the person whose name is on the cake to do the blowing.
:'''Emily''': Oh, I'm sorry. I thought only children liked to do that. Shall we bring it back out and relight it?
:'''Lorelai''': No.
:'''[[w:Richard Gilmore|Richard]]''': Well, would you like to make a wish and blow out the tapers?
:'''Lorelai''': Why am I being mocked on my birthday?
:'''Richard''': Because it's the Gilmore way.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Taylor Doose|Taylor]]''': I'd like the wording to be a little harsher.
:'''Nicole''': Taylor, it already says that if Aunt Tilly's Taffy delivers even 2 hours late, they forfeit all payment for that particular shipment and are liable for any loss of income that may result from that late delivery. It's pretty extreme.
:'''Taylor''': It may seem extreme, but those candy people are shifty characters.
:'''Nicole''': Why don't we leave the wording as it is for now and see how things go. We can get tougher later if necessary.
:'''[[w:Luke Gilmore|Luke]]''': Yeah you could send over a couple of [[w:Oompa-Loompa|oompa-loompas]] to kick the crap out of Aunt Tilly.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Richard''': This was my favorite thing to eat as a boy. My Gran used to make this for me whenever I was feeling a little sad. You know, if my cricket team lost or a girl I fancied, turned up her nose at me. 
:'''Lorelai''': Well, then load me up, because there was this cute chick at the pharmacy today. I used my best material on her and nothing.
:'''Emily''': Richard, at least let Pena serve it.
:'''Lorelai''': No comment on my lesbian hilarity? My, how far we've come.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Richard''': Well, I have something for you. 
:''[places an envelope on the table]''
:'''Lorelai''': Is it a hat? 
:'''Richard''': No. 
:'''Lorelai''': Is it a purse? 
:'''Richard''': No. 
:'''Lorelai''': Horse? 
:'''Richard''': Lorelai. 
:'''Lorelai''': [[w:George Foreman Grill|George Foreman Grill]]?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lorelai''': Seventy-five thousand dollars. Seventy-five thousand dollars. Oh my God, that’s like 150 pairs of [[w:Jimmy Choos|Jimmy Choos]].
:'''Richard''': What are Jimmy Choos?
:'''Lorelai''': Shoes.
:'''Richard''': 150 pairs, that’s it?
:'''Lorelai''': Dad, they’re Jimmy Choos.
:'''Richard''': For seventy-five thousand dollars, you should be able to buy at least three or four hundred pairs of shoes.
:'''Lorelai''': Not Jimmy Choos.
:'''Richard''': But that’s ridiculous. You are not going to spend seventy-five thousand dollars on Jimmy Choos when you could buy four hundred pairs of less prestigious but I’m sure equally stylish shoes. You will shop around first. Is that clear?
:'''Lorelai''': Yes, sir.

=== ''Keg! Max!'' ===

:''[The band is practicing as Rory and Jess watch.]''
:'''Zack''': Whoa, cool.
:'''Dave''': We all finished at the same time.
:'''Lane''': That has never happened.
:'''Brian''': The middle of that song didn't even sound like us.
:'''Dave''': Yeah, it sounded good.
:'''[[w:Rory Gilmore|Rory]]''': It sounded great, guys. All of it. Didn't it?
:'''[[w:Jess Mariano|Jess]]''': Not too shabby.
:'''Dave''': We are so ready for this gig.
:'''Lane''': We've got a gig. I just love the sound of that.
:'''Jess''': Where is it?
:'''Lane''': Kyle from school. His parents are going to Marriage Encounter for the weekend so he's throwing this mondo party.
:'''Jess''': You got enough songs?
:'''Dave''': We have enough for two half-hour sets. What we need is a name.
:'''Brian''': I made my suggestion.
:'''Zack''': Yeah, and we vetoed &quot;The [[w:Harry Potter|Harry Potters]].&quot; Next.
:'''Brian''': So yours is better?
:'''Zack''': &quot;Follow Them to the Edge of the Desert&quot; is memorable and classy.
:'''Brian''': I run out of breath every time I say it.
:'''Zack''': You've got asthma, dude. You run out of breath saying your name.
:'''Dave''': Yeah, Brian, we can't work our name around your respiratory illnesses.
:'''Brian''': Even without an inhaler, &quot;Follow Them to the Edge of the Desert&quot; is too long.
:'''Zack''': Yeah, but when we get famous, our fans will shorten it to FTTTEOTD.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rory''': Guys, that was amazing. Really, it was awesome.
:'''Dave''': Thanks.
:'''Zack''': Dude, you did good, you really did. But you got a little too close to me when you were singing into the mike.
:'''Brian''': I got as close as I had to.
:'''Zack''': Your nose touched my cheek, man. That's too close.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Lorelai Gilmore|Lorelai]]''': Do not eat chips out of a communal bowl. You might as well stick your hand in a toilet.
:'''Rory''': Nice.
:'''Lorelai''': If you're desperate, offer to be the person who replenishes them with new bags and grab a handful out of the new bag and dump the rest in the communal bowl.
:'''Rory''': Got it.
:'''Lorelai''': And keep in mind that getting up on a table and performing a song of any kind will haunt you for the rest of your life. Trust me. Been there, done that.
:'''Rory''': I wasn't planning on doing that.
:'''Lorelai''': Hon, those things are never planned.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rory''': It's a Friday night. We should be out, I don't know, partying with the homies.
:'''Lorelai''': Our Stars Hollow homies are all in bed by now. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lorelai''': Okay, I didn't bring a frickin' tape measure. I'm not good at judging distances. You'll have to help me out with the ten feet thing.
:'''[[w:Max Medina|Max]]''': Well, it's a little bigger than a basketball player. Just keep a really big basketball player between us.
:'''Lorelai''': Wow, I bet there's a sentence that's never been uttered before

=== ''Say Goodnight, Gracie'' ===

:'''[[w:Lorelai Gilmore|Lorelai]]''': Hey, Luke.
:'''[[w:Luke Danes|Luke]]''': I'm in bed. I have ten more minutes to sleep. Not a lot of time in the grand scheme of things, but still, ten minutes is ten minutes. You know what I mean.
:'''Lorelai''': Sure, yeah.
:'''[[w:Rory Gilmore|Rory]]''': Ten minutes is great.
:'''Luke''': And then the phone rings, and it just rings and rings and rings and rings, so I pick it up.
:'''Lorelai''': And then hopefully got your hearing checked.
:'''Luke''': Can I finish my story?
:'''Lorelai''': I'm just saying, that's a lot of rings.
:'''Luke''': And on the other end of the phone is someone named John who says he's Kyle's father, and Kyle threw a party last night without permission. And two guys got into a fight and tore the place apart, so John wants me to come down and take a look at the damage and discuss some sort of solution to the problem of the damages. Now, I don't know John, and I certainly don't know Kyle, but I do know someone who would get into a fight at a party and leave the place completely trashed. It's a wild guess, but I think his name rhymes with &quot;Tess&quot;. So here I am, heading in there to talk to John about Kyle and discuss what is to be done about the [[w:Hummel (instrument)|hummel]].
:'''Lorelai''': The what?
:'''Luke''': Exactly.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dave''': A few weeks ago you told me that Lane had a crush on me. Well, I have a crush on her, too. Now, I know you have very strict rules about dating and boys, but I just want you to know that I'm a good person. I don't smoke, I don't drink, I've never gotten a ticket, I'm healthy, I take care of myself, I floss. I never watch more than 30 minutes of television a night partly because I think it's a waste of time and partly because there's nothing on. I respect my parents, I do well in school, I never play video games in case they do someday prove that playing them can turn you into a serial killer. I don't drink coffee. I hate soda because the carbonation freaks me out. I'm happy to give up meat if you feel strongly about it. I don't mind wearing a tie. I enjoy playing those hymns on my guitar, and I really, really want to take your daughter to the prom.
:''[Mrs. Kim is silent.]''
:'''Dave''': Mrs. Kim? Please don't make me repeat that list again.
:'''Mrs. Kim''': &quot;Let never day nor night unhallow'd pass, but still remember what the Lord hath done.&quot;
:'''Dave''': Okay, thank you.
:''[Dave and Lane walk outside.]''
:'''Dave''': Did you hear what she said?
:'''[[w:Lane Kim|Lane]]''': Yes, I did.
:'''Dave''': What did it mean?
:'''Lane''': I don't know.
:'''Dave''': Was it a yes, was it a no?
:'''Lane''': I'm not sure.
:'''Dave''': Well, it's gotta be from the Bible, right? So I'll just go home, do some research, look on the Internet, see what I can find. I'll call you when I know something.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lorelai''': Okay. Your first cop-raided party. I am just so proud.
:'''Rory''': Mom.
:'''Lorelai''': I just wish I could've been there.
:'''Rory''': It was no big deal.
:'''Lorelai''': Did they bring the [[w:Paddywagon|paddywagon]]?
:'''Rory''': Yeah, but then we snuck out the backdoor of the [[w:Speakeasy|speak-easy]] and headed straight for the [[w:Algonquin Hotel|Algonquin]].
:'''Lorelai''': How was [[w:Robert Benchley|Benchley]]?
:'''Rory''': Drunk again. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lorelai''': We very respectfully hover in his vicinity until the walk is over.
:'''[[w:Sookie St. James|Sookie]]''': Then we will politely ask him to get in touch with us.
:'''Lorelai''': Yes. Coming?
:'''Rory''': No, you guys go ahead. I'll be in the back of the line so that when the earth opens up and swallows you whole, I'll be here to tell the story. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rory''': Hey, here's a picture of Kirk pinned by the casket.
:'''Lorelai''': Oh, yeah, that's a good one.
:'''Rory''': Man, it's bad enough this had to happen, but his pants splitting on top of it?
:'''Lorelai''': Yeah. I hope he never takes too close a look at his life.
:'''Rory''': Amen. So this goes on the fridge, right?

=== ''Here Comes the Son''  ===

:'''[[w:Lorelai Gilmore|Lorelai]]''': &quot;Where's the ladies room?&quot; &quot;More coffee, please.&quot; &quot;Does [[w:Antonio Banderas|Antonio Banderas]] live near here?&quot;
:'''[[w:Rory Gilmore|Rory]]''': We do not need to know how to say &quot;Does Antonio Banderas live near here?&quot;
:'''Lorelai''': Oh, yes, we do.
:'''Rory''': Mom.
:'''Lorelai''': When we're in Spain, we need to know how to say, &quot;Does Antonio Banderas live near here?&quot; When in France, &quot;Does [[w:Johnny Depp|Johnny Depp]] live near here?&quot;
:'''Rory''': When in Rome, &quot;Does [[w:Gore Vidal|Gore Vidal]] live near here?&quot;
:'''Lorelai''': You know, you look like me, yet my ways are completely lost on you.
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rory''': Hm? Oh, I found that if I focus too much on one subject, I start to get a little punchy. This way, when I hit [[w:October Revolution|Bolshevik Revolution]] overload, I just shift over here and, oh, hello, [[w:Anne Boleyn|Anne Boleyn]] is going down, and then when that gets too depressing, it's right over to calculus.
:'''Lorelai''': Saving the party subject for last, huh?
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Paris Geller|Paris]]''': Unbutton your top.
:'''Lorelai''': What?
:'''Paris''': Teenage boys are controlled by one thing. Unbutton your top.
:'''Lorelai''': No.
:'''Paris''':: Well, me doing it isn't going to help any.
:'''Lorelai''': Paris, you need to relax. You need to stop worrying. You need to stop obsessing. You need to stop looking at my boobs.
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lorelai''': Now no one's around, but the second I run that light, a police car, four helicopters, the Canadian mounties and the crew of Cops jump out of a dumpster and I'm toast.
:'''Rory''': Paranoid.
:'''Lorelai''': Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you, my friend.
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lorelai''': ''[to Rory]'' Hey, you know what's weird? A lot of the kids in here are calling you a valedictorian. Is that anything like a dirty skank, 'cause if it is I'll kick their plaid butts up and down the sidewalk.

=== ''Those Are Strings, Pinocchio'' ===

:'''[[w:Paris Geller|Paris]]''': Relax, I'm okay with you making valedictorian over me.
:'''[[w:Rory Gilmore|Rory]]''': Oh, good, thanks.
:'''Paris''': Sure. I actually googled the personal histories of Ivy League valedictorians going back twenty-five years, and found some enlightening statistics. They don't necessarily do too well in later life, did you know that?
:'''Rory''': No.
:'''Paris''': Oh, yeah. A lot of business failures, crumbled marriages, suicides, obesity.
:'''Rory''': Okay.
:'''Paris''': A bunch died in car crashes, several did time, one suffocated when his cat fell asleep on his face.
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Taylor Doose|Taylor]]''': Moving on.  Now people, I know it's an unpleasant subject, but the deer population in this town is reaching monstrous proportions.
:'''Gypsy''': Not this again.
:'''Miss Patty''':  He's always going on about the deer.
:'''Luke''': Leave 'em alone, Taylor.
:'''Taylor''': But they're taking over the town.  We need to institute partial elimination.
:'''Morey''': Partial elimination?
:'''Gypsy''': You wanna kill the little romping Bambis?
:'''Taylor''': People, do I have to detail the problems that these deer cause?
:'''Luke''': No, but you will.
:'''Taylor''': Lyme disease, auto accidents, plane accidents.
:'''Luke''': We have flying deer?
:'''Miss Patty''': Oh, that's scary.
:'''Babette''': Yeah.  Those ones you can snuff. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Lorelai Gilmore|Lorelai]]''': ''[about Chilton]'' Wait, wait. Look around for a second. Notice?
:'''Rory''': Notice what?
:'''Lorelai''': It's not so scary anymore.
:'''Rory''': No, it's not.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rory''': What are we doing? 
:'''Lorelai''': Leaving our mark. Got a knife? 
:'''Rory''': A knife? For what? 
:'''Lorelai''': For carving our initials. Come on. Knife, knife. 
:'''Rory''': Sorry, I didn't put my switchblade in my sock.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rory''': Headmaster Charleston, faculty members, fellow students, family and friends, welcome. We never thought this day would come. We prayed for its quick delivery, crossed days off our calendars, counted hours, minutes and seconds and now that it's here, I'm sorry it is, because it means leaving friends who inspire me and teachers who've been my mentors, so many people who've shaped my life, and my fellow students lives impermeably and forever. I live in two worlds. One is a world of books. I've been a resident of Faulkner's [[w:Yoknapatawpha County|Yoknapatawpha County]], hunted the white whale aboard the [[w:Pequod (Moby-Dick)|Pequod]], fought alongside Napoleon, sailed a raft with [[w:Huckleberry Finn|Huck]] and Jim, committed absurdities with [[w:A Confederacy of Dunces|Ignatius J. Reilly]], rode a sad train with [[w:Anna Karenina|Anna Karenina]] and strolled down [[w:In Search of Lost Time|Swann's Way]]. It's a rewarding world, but my second one is by far superior. My second one is populated with characters slightly less eccentric, but supremely real, made of flesh and bone, full of love, who are my ultimate inspiration for everything. Richard and Emily Gilmore are kind, decent, unfailingly generous people. They are my twin pillars, without whom I could not stand. I am proud to be their grandchild. But my ultimate inspiration comes from my best friend, the dazzling woman from whom I received my name and my life's blood, Lorelai Gilmore...
:'''[[w:Sookie St. James|Sookie]]''': ''[With tears in her eyes]'' Uh, oh -
:'''Lorelai''': ''[Also on the verge of crying]'' Hang in there.
:'''Rory''': My mother never gave me any idea that I couldn't do whatever I wanted to do or be whomever I wanted to be. She filled our house with love and fun and books and music unflagging in her efforts to give me role models from [[w:Jane Austen|Jane Austen]] to [[w:Eudora Welty|Eudora Welty]] to [[w:Patti Smith|Patti Smith]]. As she guided me through these incredible eighteen years, I don't know if she ever realized that the person I most wanted to be was her...
:'''Sookie''': ''[Choked up]'' Not crying.
:'''Lorelai''': ''[Slightly crying]'' Crying a little.
:'''Sookie''': Crying a little, but not blubbering. That's what we meant when we said no crying. No blubbering.
:'''Rory''': ''[Tearfully]'' Thank you Mom, you are my guidepost for everything.
:'''Sookie''': On the verge of blubbering here.
:'''[[w:Jackson Melville|Jackson]]''': ''[Choked up, tearfully]'' Not doing too well myself.
:'''Lorelai''': ''[Looks over to see Luke]'' Not you, too.
:'''[[w:Luke Danes|Luke]]''': ''[Tearfully blubbering]'' I'm blubbering, you freaks!
[[Category:Gilmore Girls seasons]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Vietnam</title>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-11T13:42:15Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
      <comment>Reverted edit by [[User:2.51.65.112|2.51.65.112]] ([[User talk:2.51.65.112|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/2.51.65.112|contributions]]) to last version by Will-SeymoreIII</comment>
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      <text bytes="17745" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Coat of arms of Vietnam.svg|thumb|Vietnam is [[strong]] [[eternal]]. ~ Van Cao]]
[[File:Flag of Vietnam.svg|thumb|Kiss me goodbye and write me while I'm gone. Goodbye my sweetheart, hello Vietnam. ~ [[w:Dave Dudley|Dave Dudley]]]]
[[File:Flag of the Communist Party of Vietnam.svg|thumb|Vietnam was never all that ideologically [[Communism|communist]]. It was always more socialist and nationalist. I told them they should stop calling themselves 'the [[Communism|communist]] [[party]]', but I didn't get anywhere with it. Everybody pays for everything over there, including healthcare. The government hardly provides anything. Sweden is more socialist than Vietnam. ~ [[w:Pete Peterson|Pete Peterson]]]]
[[File:Long_bien_bridge.jpg|thumb|We the People remain resolute in our hearts and minds. Courageously we will fight such that everywhere, the Glory of the Vietnamese forever resounds! ~ [[w:Lưu Hữu Phước|Lưu Hữu Phước]]]]
[[File:Vietcong_Guerrilla_Patrols.jpg|thumb|I used to see Vietnam as a [[war]] rather than a [[Countries|country]]. ~ [[John Pilger]]]]
[[File:French_Indochina_c._1930.jpg|thumb|'''In Hanoi, the capital, in September 2nd, the provisional gouvernment was formed around President [[Ho Chi Minh]]; it presented itself to the nation, proclaimed the independence of Viet Nam, and called on the nation to unite, to hold itself in readiness to defend the country and to oppose all attempts at [[imperialist]] aggression. The [[w:North Vietnam|Democratic Republic of Viet Nam]] was born, the first people's democracy in South-east Asia.''' ~ [[Võ Nguyên Giáp]]]]
[[File:Bâtiments_172.jpg|thumb|Vietnam’s century-old [[French]] [[w:Villas|villas]] and [[French Indochina|colonial-era]] [[government]] [[buildings]] are a draw for the 8 million [[tourists]] who visit the country every year. &lt;br&gt; “Even in France we don’t have so many examples of the beautiful [[w:Wrought-iron|wrought-iron]] [[w:Railing|railings]] and [[w:Staircase|staircases]] that you see here,” said French Consul General Emmanuel Ly-Batallan. ~ Zanna K. McKay]]
'''[[w:Vietnam|Vietnam]]''' ([[w:Vietnamese|Vietnamese]]: ''Việt Nam''), officially the '''[[w:Socialist republic|Socialist Republic]] of Vietnam''' ('''SRV'''; Vietnamese: ''Cộng hòa xã hội chủ nghĩa Việt Nam'') is the easternmost country on the [[w:Indochina|Indochina Peninsula]] in [[w:Southeast Asia|Southeast Asia]]. With an estimated 90.5 million inhabitants as of 2014, it is the world's [[w:List of countries and dependencies by population|13th-most-populous country]], and the [[w:List of Asian countries by population|eighth-most-populous Asian country]]. [[w:Names of Vietnam|The name Vietnam]] translates as &quot;Southern Viet&quot; (synonymous with the much older term [[w:Nam Viet|Nam Viet]]); it was first officially adopted in 1802 by Emperor [[w:Gia Long|Gia Long]], and was adopted again in 1945 with the founding of the [[w:Democratic Republic of Vietnam|Democratic Republic of Vietnam]] under [[Ho Chi Minh]]. The country is bordered by [[China]] to the north, [[w:Laos|Laos]] to the northwest, [[w:Cambodia|Cambodia]] to the southwest, and the [[w:South China Sea|South China Sea]] to the east. Its capital city has been [[w:Hanoi|Hanoi]] since the reunification of [[w:North Vietnam|North]] and [[w:South Vietnam|South Vietnam]] in 1976, following the conclusion of the [[Vietnam War]].
__NOTOC__
[[#A|A]] &amp;ndash; [[#B|B]] &amp;ndash; [[#C|C]] &amp;ndash; [[#D|D]] &amp;ndash; [[#E|E]] &amp;ndash; [[#F|F]] &amp;ndash; [[#G|G]] &amp;ndash; [[#H|H]] &amp;ndash; [[#I|I]] &amp;ndash; [[#J|J]] &amp;ndash; [[#K|K]] &amp;ndash; [[#L|L]] &amp;ndash; [[#M|M]] &amp;ndash; [[#N|N]] &amp;ndash; [[#O|O]] &amp;ndash; [[#P|P]] &amp;ndash; [[#Q|Q]] &amp;ndash; [[#R|R]] &amp;ndash; [[#S|S]] &amp;ndash; [[#T|T]] &amp;ndash; [[#U|U]] &amp;ndash; [[#V|V]] &amp;ndash; [[#W|W]] &amp;ndash; [[#X|X]] &amp;ndash; [[#Y|Y]] &amp;ndash; [[#Z|Z]] &amp;ndash; [[#See also|See also]]
== Quotes ==
===C===
*Vietnam is strong eternal.
**Van Cao, [https://web.archive.org/web/20110907132559/http://www.vietnamembassy-usa.org/learn_about_vietnam/politics/national_anthem/ &quot;March to the Front&quot;] (1944)
**Original Vietnamese: ''Nuoc non Vietnam ta vung ben.''

*Strap on my arm; the streets is feeling like Vietnam.
**[[w:David Banner|Lavell W. Crump]], [http://www.megalyrics.net/david-banner/bloody-war#strap-on-my-arm-the-streets-is-feeling-like-vietnam &quot;Bloody War&quot;] (2005), ''Certified''.

===D===
*Kiss me goodbye and write me while I'm gone. Goodbye my sweetheart, hello Vietnam.
** [[w:Dave Dudley|Dave Dudley]], as quoted in [http://www.metrolyrics.com/hello-vietnam-lyrics-dave-dudley.html &quot;Hello Vietnam&quot;] (1965), by Tom T. Hall, United Kingdom: Decca Records.

===G===
* In August 1945, the [[w:Surrender of Japan|capitulation of the Japanese forces]] before the {{w|Soviet Army}} and the [[w:Allies of World War II|Allied forces]], put an [[w:End of World War II in Asia|end to the world war]]. The defeat of the German and Nippon [[fascists]] was the beginning of a great weakening of the [[capitalist]] system. After the great victory of the [[Soviet Union]], many [[w:People's democracy (Marxism–Leninism)|people's democracies]] saw the light of day. The [[socialist]] system was no longer confined within the frontiers of a single country. A new historic era was beginning in the world. In view of these changes, in Viet Nam, the Indo-chinese Communist Party and the Viet Minh called the whole Vietnamese nation to general insurrection. Everywhere, the people rose in a body. Demonstrations and displays of force followed each other uninterruptedly. In August, [[w:August Revolution|the Revolution]] broke out, neutralising the bewildered Nippon troops, overthrowing the pro-Japanese feudal authorities, and installing people's power in Hanoi and throughout the country, in the towns as well as in the countryside, in Bac Bo as well as in Nam Bo. In Hanoi, the capital, in September 2nd, the provisional gouvernment was formed around President [[Ho Chi Minh]]; it presented itself to the nation, proclaimed the independence of Viet Nam, and called on the nation to unite, to hold itself in readiness to defend the country and to oppose all attempts at [[imperialist]] aggression. The [[w:North Vietnam|Democratic Republic of Viet Nam]] was born, the first people's democracy in South-east Asia. But the imperialists intended to nip the republican regime in the bud and once again transform [[Viet Nam]] into a colony. Three weeks had hardly gone by when, on September 23rd, 1945, the [[w:French Far East Expeditionary Corps|French Expeditionary Corps]] opened fire in Saigon. The whole was to be carried on for nine years at the cost of unprecedented heroism and amidst unimaginable difficulties, to end by the shining victory of our people and the crushing defeat of the aggressive imperialists at Dien Bien Phu. ... '''Never before had there been so many foreign troops on the soil of Viet Nam. But never before either, had the Vietnamese people been so determined to rise up in combat to defend their country.'''
** [[Võ Nguyên Giáp]], ''[https://www.marxists.org/archive/giap/1961-pwpa.pdf People’s War, People’s Army]''(1962).

===J===
*Our history this year we see in Vietnam. Men there are dying; men named Fernandez and Zajac and Zelinko and Mariano and McCormick. Neither the enemy who killed them nor the people whose independence they have fought to save ever asked them where they or their parents came from. They were all Americans. It was for free men and for America that they gave their all, they gave their lives and selves. By eliminating that same question as a test for immigration the Congress proves ourselves worthy of those men and worthy of our own traditions as a nation
**[[Lyndon B. Johnson|Lyndon Johnson]], [http://www.lbjlibrary.org/lyndon-baines-johnson/timeline/lbj-on-immigration Remarks at the Signing of the Immigration Bill] (3 October 1965).

* The people of Vietnam, north and south, seek the same things. The shared needs of man, the needs for food and shelter and education, the chance to build and work and till the soil, free from the arbitrary horrors of battle, the desire to walk in the dignity of those who master their own destiny. For many painful years, in war and revolution and infrequent peace, they have struggled to fulfill those needs. It is a crime against mankind that so much courage, and so much will, and so many dreams, must be flung on the fires of war and death... How many men who listen to me tonight have served their nation in other wars? How very many are not here to listen? The [[war]] in Vietnam is not like these other wars. Yet, finally, [[war]] is always the same. It is young men dying in the fullness of their promise. It is trying to kill a man that you do not even know well enough to hate. Therefore, to know [[war]] is to know that there is still madness in this world.
**[[Lyndon B. Johnson|Lyndon Johnson]], [http://millercenter.org/president/speeches/speech-4035 State of the Union Address] (12 January 1966).

*Last year the nature of the war in Vietnam changed again. Swiftly increasing numbers of armed men from the North crossed the borders to join forces that were already in the South. Attack and terror increased, spurred and encouraged by the belief that the United States lacked the will to continue and that their victory was near. Despite our desire to limit conflict, it was necessary to act: to hold back the mounting aggression, to give courage to the people of the South, and to make our firmness clear to the North. Thus. we began limited air action against military targets in North Vietnam. We increased our fighting force to its present strength tonight of 190,000 men. These moves have not ended the aggression but they have prevented its success. The aims of the enemy have been put out of reach by the skill and the bravery of Americans and their allies—and by the enduring courage of the South Vietnamese who, I can tell you, have lost eight men last year for every one of ours. The enemy is no longer close to victory. Time is no longer on his side. There is no cause to doubt the American commitment. Our decision to stand firm has been matched by our desire for peace.
**[[Lyndon B. Johnson|Lyndon Johnson]], [http://millercenter.org/president/speeches/speech-4035 State of the Union Address] (12 January 1966).

*I drop bombs like I was in Vietnam.
**[[w:Bizarre (rapper)|Rufus Johnson]], [http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/eminem/undertheinfluence.html &quot;Under the Influence&quot;] (2000), ''The Marshall Mathers LP''.

===L===
*Vietnam of course attacked Cambodia.
**[[James W. Loewen]], [http://sundown.afro.illinois.edu/ NGO Holiday Card]

===M===
* Vietnam’s century-old [[French]] [[w:Villas|villas]] and [[French Indochina|colonial-era]] [[government]] [[buildings]] are a draw for the 8 million [[tourists]] who visit the country every year. &lt;br&gt; “Even in France we don’t have so many examples of the beautiful [[w:Wrought-iron|wrought-iron]] [[w:Railing|railings]] and [[w:Staircase|staircases]] that you see here,” said French Consul General Emmanuel Ly-Batallan. &lt;br&gt; Heavy [[w:Roof|roofs]] are designed to withstand [[typhoons]] and large [[w:Window|windows]] placed strategically to catch the [[breeze]]. The consulate, now dwarfed by a [[w:Skyscraper|skyscraper]] under [[construction]], is considered one of the best-preserved examples of the [[architecture]] of ''Cochinchina'', the French name for [[South Vietnam|southern Vietnam]].
** Zanna K. McKay, [https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/world/2017/03/04/vietnam-architectural-gems-disappearing/97098474/ “Vietnam's architectural gems are disappearing”], (March 4, 2017).

===N===
*We lost, everyday, Vietnamese life, in fighting [[w:North Vietnam|the communists]]... American democracy, maybe, cannot work in a [[Countries|country]] like mine, you know, in [[w:South Vietnam|South Vietnam]].
**[[Nguyen Khanh]], as quoted in [http://openvault.wgbh.org/catalog/vietnam-f2fe66-interview-with-nguyen-khanh-1981 &quot;Interview with Nguyen Khanh&quot;] (29 April 1981), WGBH Media Library &amp; Archives.

*I remember that day clearly when I left [[w:Ho Chi Minh City|Saigon]]. I left [[w:South Vietnam|my country]] in [[honor]] that day... [[China]] presents Vietnam with a very big problem. China is taking over Vietnam, from Cholon, where there are rich Chinese, to Haiphong. They are everywhere now with their product. My wife is from the North, people there resent China more than the South feared the Viet Cong. The Chinese are invaders — like any other foreigners — to fight. We must stop the Chinese. You know the dikes built on the Red River? If they break, what happens? A flood!
**[[Nguyen Khanh]], as quoted in [http://web.archive.org/web/20080921114015/http://65.45.193.26:8026/cms/acct/vietweekly/issues/vw3n18/english/bagOfEarth.html &quot;A Bag of Earth, A Promise To Keep&quot;] (28 April 2005), by Mike Nally, ''Viet Weekly''.

* If [[United States|they]] want to assassinate [[w:Nguyễn Văn Thiệu|me]], it's easy. After that, just blame it on the [[w:Viet Cong|Việt Cộng]] or a coup d'etat plot.
**[[w:Nguyễn Văn Thiệu|Văn Thiệu Nguyễn]], as quoted in [http://antgct.cand.com.vn/News/PrintView.aspx?ID=53640 &quot;Tổng thống Sài Gòn cũ Nguyễn Văn Thiệu và con đường chiến bại (kỳ III)&quot;], by Phong Hoàn Công, ''Báo Công An Nhân Dân''.
**Original Vietnamese quote: ''Nếu [[United States|họ]] muốn ám sát tôi thì cũng dễ thôi. Rồi sau đó cứ việc đổ cho Việt Cộng hoặc là do âm mưu đảo chính''.

* [[United States|They]] have back-stabbed [[w:South Vietnam|us]].
**[[w:Nguyễn Văn Thiệu|Văn Thiệu Nguyễn]], as quoted in ''Việt Nam. Cuộc chiến 10.000 ngày. Tập 8 - Hòa bình''.
**Original Vietnamese quote: ''[[United States|Họ]] đã đâm sau lưng chúng tôi''.

* No event in American history is more misunderstood than the Vietnam War. It was misreported then, and it is misremembered now. Rarely have so many people been so wrong about so much. Never have the consequences of their misunderstanding been so tragic.
**[[Richard Nixon]], as quoted in ''No More Vietnams'' (1987).

=== O ===

* I also come here with a deep respect for Vietnam's ancient heritage. For millennia, farmers have tended these lands, a history revealed in the ''Đông Sơn'' drums. At this bend in the river, Hanoi has endured for more than a thousand years. The world came to treasure Vietnamese silks and paintings, and a great Temple of Literature stands as a testament to your pursuit of knowledge. And yet, over the centuries, your fate was too often dictated by others. Your beloved land was not always your own. But like bamboo, the unbroken spirit of the Vietnamese people was captured by [[Lý Thường Kiệt]]: &quot;The Southern emperor rules the Southern land. Our destiny is writ in Heaven's Book.&quot;
** [[Barack Obama]], [https://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/documents/remarks-hanoi-vietnam Remarks in Hanoi, Vietnam]; 24 May 2016 

===P===
*We the People remain resolute in our hearts and minds. Courageously we will fight such that everywhere, the Glory of the Vietnamese forever resounds!
**[[w:Lưu Hữu Phước|Lưu Hữu Phước]], &quot;[[w:Thanh niên hành khúc|Thanh niên hành khúc]]&quot;
**Original Vietnamese: ''Người Công Dân luôn vững bền tâm trí. Hùng tráng quyết chiến đấu làm cho khắp nơi. Vang tiếng người nước Nam cho đến muôn đời!''

*Bones have broken, and blood has fallen, the hatred is rising high. Our country has been separated for so long. Here, the sacred Mekong, here, glorious Truong Son Mountains are urging us to advance to kill the enemy. Shoulder to shoulder, under a common flag. Arise!
** [[w:Lưu Hữu Phước|Lưu Hữu Phước]], &quot;[[w:Giải phóng miền Nam|Liberate the South]]&quot; (July 1969)

* I used to see Vietnam as a [[war]] rather than a country.
** [[John Pilger]], as quoted in ''Do you remember Vietnam?'' (1978).

===S===
* Whatever you think... America wasn't stealing from the Vietnamese. 
** [[Dinesh D'Souza]], ''[[America: Imagine the World Without Her]]'' (2014)

===T===
* This is the largest anti-Chinese demonstration I have ever seen in Hanoi. Our patience has limits. We are here to express the will of the Vietnamese people to defend our territory at all costs. We are ready to die to protect our nation.
** A war veteran named Dang Quang Thang told the AFP news agency, [http://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-27362939 &quot;Vietnam protestors attack China over sea disuptes&quot;], May 11, 2014.

* All independent religions are banned [in Vietnam].  Only economically speaking we are better [since the collapse of South Vietnam in [[1975]]].  But politically speaking nothing changes.
** [[w:Thích Quảng Độ|Thích Quảng Độ]]. {{cite video|url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fPlL3ngQraQ|title=In My View: Vietnam's Buddhist Monk Thich Quang Do|date=2007-12-20}}

===Z===
*[T]he Vietnamese government does ''not'' mess around. Vietnam is ''not'' a democracy. It benefits (suffers?) from extensive monitoring of civilians, but unlike the Singaporean techno-state, Vietnam’s system is more akin to an authoritarian neighborhood watch. This system of internal monitoring literally lets state agents go door-to-door demanding answers to invasive questions. 
**[[w:Peter Zeihan|Peter Zeihan]], [https://zeihan.com/the-state-of-the-pandemic-east-asia/ &quot;The State of the Pandemic: East Asia&quot;] (18 June 2020), ''Zeihan on Geopolitics''
==See also==
*[[American exceptionalism]]
*[[Crimes against humanity]]
*[[War crimes]]
*[[Smedley Butler|''War is a Racket'', by Smedley Butler (U.S.M.C.)]]

== External links ==
{{similarlinks}}
*{{Wikivoyage-inline}}
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'''''[[w:Hellboy (2004 film)|Hellboy]]''''' is a [[w:2004 in film|2004]] supernatural action-thriller film directed by [[Guillermo del Toro]]. The film is based on the [[w:Dark Horse Comics|Dark Horse Comics]] work ''[[w:Hellboy: Seed of Destruction|Hellboy: Seed of Destruction]]'' by [[w:Mike Mignola|Mike Mignola]].

==Hellboy==
* ''[While weightlifting]'' I hate those comic books. They never get the eyes right.
* ''[To Sammael]'' Listen, Sammy, I'm not a very good shot, but the Samaritan here uses really big bullets.  So what do you say we work this out in a nice, peaceful&amp;ndash;? ''[Sammael runs off]'' Oh, crap.
* Waiting for me, chunk-face?
* ''[Breaking Sammael's lower jaw]'' '''OPEN WIDE!'''
* I'm fireproof. You're not.
* Didn't I kill you already? You goddamned monster!
* ''[Grabs Sammael by the tongue]'' Second date, no tongues! 
* You missed!
* How big can it be?
* Damn! Would you please be a little more careful?
* ''[About Liz's new nickname]'' &quot;Sparky&quot;? Who came up with that? Myers?
* Gonna be sore in the morning.
* ''[While beating Sammael with a payphone he had ripped off a wall]'' It's for you! You shouldn't&amp;ndash; hurt&amp;ndash; people!
* ''[To the train conductor, who is beating him in the head with a fire extinguisher to try and knock him off the train]'' Hey! I'm on your side! ''['''Train Conductor:''' Sure.]'' ''[The train conductor hit Hellboy in the head with a fire extinguisher, knocking him off the train]''
* ''[Watching Meyers and Liz]'' No cream and milk, moron. She takes it black. Told ya! Wait, she took his picture! DAMN!
* It's not&amp;ndash; It's not what you think. Plus, you're nine. You're too young to be giving me advice.
* Hey, Myers, you're a talker. What's a good word, a solid word for &quot;need&quot;?
* ''[To Kroenen]'' You killed my father!  Your ass is mine!
* ''['''Grigori Rasputin:''' What have you done?]'' ''[Stabs Rasputin in the stomach with one of his horns]'' I chose.
* ''['''Liz Sherman:''' In the dark, I heard your voice, what did you say?]'' I said, &quot;Hey, you on the other side &amp;ndash; let her go. Because for her, I will cross over, and then you'll be sorry.&quot;

==FBI Agent John Myers==
* Hellboy&amp;ndash; He's real!
* Are you gonna be okay? Alone?
* Remember who you are! ''[Throws Hellboy the rosary]''
* ''[Closing narration]'' What makes a man a man? A friend of mine once wondered. Is it his origins? The way he comes to life? I don't think so. It's the choices he makes. Not how he starts things, but how he decides to end them.

==Liz Sherman==
* I'm learning to control it. I'm learning where it comes from. For the first time in my life, I'm not afraid.
* I don't like the term firestarter. I just don't.
* ''[To John as she ignites her powers]'' You should be running.

== Trevor Bruttenholm ==
*What is it that makes a man a man? Is it his origins &amp;ndash; the way things start? Or is it something else, something harder to describe? 
*The Nazis were desperate. Combining science and black magic, they intended to upset the balance of the war.
*Abe possesses a unique frontal lobe. Unique &amp;ndash; that is a word you'll hear frequently around here.
*As you entered the lobby there was an inscription: &quot;In the absence of light, darkness prevails.&quot; (''In Absentia Luci, Tenebrae Vincunt''). There are things that go bump in the night, Agent Myers. Make no mistake about that. And ''we'' are the ones who bump back.
*''[Narrating]'' There we were, an unready father for an unwanted child. The boys gave him a name that very night. In retrospect, perhaps not the most fortunate. But nevertheless, a name we all came to use. We called him Hellboy.
*''[Last words]'' I know what to call him. Nothing you can do or say can change that. I call him &quot;son&quot;. ''[Puts his rosary on the book]'' I'm ready. ''['''Grigori Rasputin:''' [Puts his hand on Broom's shoulder] It'll be quick.]'' ''[Rasputin walks away. Kroenen aims his arm blade at the back of Broom's neck and stabs it. Broom collapses to the floor dead]''

==Abe Sapien==
* ''[About his Rubik's cube]'' Listen, I'm not much of a problem solver. Three decades&amp;ndash; and I've only completed two sides.

==Ivan Klimatovich==
* ''[Last words, in Russian]'' I was better off dead!

==Dialogue ==
:'''Nazi General''': Five years of construction and research, Grigori. ''Five years!'' The Führer doesn't look kindly on failure!
:'''Grigori Rasputin''': There will be no failure, General. I promised Herr Hitler a miracle. I'll ''deliver'' one! What I do tonight, can never be undone! I will open a portal, and awaken the Ogdru Jahad &amp;ndash; the Seven Gods of Chaos! Our enemies shall be destroyed, and from the ashes&amp;ndash; a new Eden will arise.

----
:'''Abe Sapien''': Behind this door &amp;ndash; a dark entity, evil, ancient, and hungry.
:'''Hellboy''': Oh, well. Let me go in and say &quot;Hi&quot;.

----
:'''John Myers''': ''[About Sammael]'' What the hell is that thing?!
:'''Hellboy''': Aw, crap! ''[Peels off a tentacle latched to his arm]'' Let me go ask.

----
:'''Hellboy''' ''[Being hit on the head with a fire extinguisher]'': Hey! I'm on your side!
:'''Train conductor''': Sure! ''[Hits him on the head again]''

----
:'''John Myers''': ''[Enters the library]'' Hello?
:''[Myers looks around the library until he hears Abe's voice inside the tank.]''
:'''Abe Sapien''': Turn the pages, please. If you don't mind.
:''[Myers stares inside the tank until Abe swims up in front of the glass and presses his hand on it, surprising him.]''
:'''Abe Sapien''': Please. ''[Gestures to the books]'' The pages.
:'''John Myers''': ''[Glances at the books, then looks at Abe]'' These? You're reading these?
:'''Professor Broom''': ''[From behind Myers]'' Four books at once&amp;ndash; ''[Myers turns to him]'' &amp;ndash;every day. As long as I'm there to turn the pages. ''[Approaches Myers]'' My name's Broom. Professor Trevor Broom.
:''[Broom and Myers shake hands.]''
:'''John Myers''': Sir, I'm John&amp;ndash;
:'''Abe Sapien''': ''[Presses his hand on the glass]'' Agent John T. Myers, Kansas City, '76. T stands for Thaddeus, mother's older brother. Scar on your chin happened when you were ten. You still wonder if it's ever going to fade away.
:'''John Myers''': ''[Touches the scar on his chin, to Broom]'' How did it&amp;ndash;?
:'''Professor Broom''': He. ''[Chuckles]'' Not 'it'. Abraham Sapien. Discovered alive in a secret chamber of St. Trinian's Foundling Hospital, Washington. His name was taken from his little inscription stuck to the side of his tank. ''[Points to the small piece of antique paper, framed on the wall, with his cane]''
:'''John Myers''': ''[Reads]'' &quot;Icthyo Sapiens. April 14, 1865&quot;.
:'''Professor Broom''': ''[Pulls down the bottom of the pneumatic tube]'' The day that Abraham Lincoln died. Hence &quot;Abe Sapien.&quot; ''[Uses a pair of tongs to pick up two rotten eggs that are on the silver plate]''
:'''John Myers''': ''[Disgusted by the rotten eggs on the silver plate]'' Ugh.
:'''Professor Broom''': Rotten eggs. ''[Puts the two rotten eggs in the pneumatic tube, then pushes up the bottom]'' A delicacy. Abe loves them.
:''[A vacuum sucks the two eggs into the tank. Abe catches the two eggs and eats them.]''
:'''John Myers''': How does he know so much about me?
:'''Professor Broom''': ''[Turns the pages on the books]'' Abe possesses a unique frontal lobe. Unique. That's a word you'll hear frequently around here.
:'''John Myers''': Sir, where am I, exactly?
:'''Professor Broom''': As you entered the lobby, there was an inscription: &quot;In the absence of light, darkness prevails.&quot; There are things that go bump in the night, Agent Myers. Make no mistake about that. And ''we'' are the ones who bump back.

----
:''[Clay pushes the cart of food into Hellboy's room, with Myers following behind.]''
:'''Agent Clay''': He gets fed six times a day. He's got a thing for cats. You'll be his nanny, his keeper, his best friend. He never goes out unsupervised.
:'''John Myers''': Who?
:''[Clay picks up the Hellboy comic book and gives it to Myers. Myers takes it and looks at it.]''
:'''Hellboy''': I hate those comic books.
:''[Myers looks up to see Hellboy smoking a cigar and exercising with a 300 lb. Stainless steel Dumbell.]''
:'''Hellboy''': They never get the eyes right.
:'''John Myers''': ''[Looks at the comic book, then at Hellboy]'' Hellboy. He's real.
:'''Agent Clay''': Yeah, sixty years old, by our count, but, uh, he doesn't age like we do. Think reverse dog years. He's barely out of his twenties.
:'''Hellboy''': What's with the hair, Clay? Finally got them implants, huh?
:'''Agent Clay''': ''[Laughs uncomfortably]'' It'll&amp;ndash; It'll fill in. ''[Feels his hair]''
:'''Hellboy''': Who's the squirt?.
:'''Agent Clay''': Agent Myers is your new liaison.
:'''Hellboy''': ''[Drops the dumbell]'' I don't want him. What, you get tired of me, Clay? ''[Picks up his lighter and uses it to light his cigar]''
:'''Agent Clay''': ''[Whispers to Myers]'' The candy. Give him the candy.
:'''John Myers''': Oh, uh, sir, I, uh&amp;ndash; I have these for you. ''[Holds up the two Baby Ruth bars]''
:'''Hellboy''': Father's back? ''[Clay nods]'' He's still angry?
:'''Agent Clay''': ''[Normal voice]'' Well, you did break out.
:'''Hellboy''': Ah, I wanted to see her. Nobody's business. ''[Uses his lighter to light his cigar again]''
:'''Agent Clay''': It is. You got yourself on TV again.
:'''Hellboy''': Myers, huh? You got a first name, Myers?
:'''Agent Clay''': ''[To Myers]'' Try not to stare. He hates it when people stare.
:'''John Myers''': ''[Closes his eyes, to Hellboy]'' John. Uh, John Myers. ''[Opens his eyes]'' Well, John'll do. ''[To Clay]'' Stare at what?
:'''Agent Clay''': His horns. He files them to fit in.
:''[Hellboy approaches Myers and Clay. He takes the Baby Ruth from Myers. Myers stares at Hellboy's horn stumps.]''
:'''Hellboy''': ''[Notices Myers staring at his horn stumps]'' What you looking at, John?
:'''John Myers''': Uh&amp;ndash; Oh, no, no, no. Uh, nothing. Uh, n&amp;ndash; Nothing at all.
:''[Hellboy, Myers, and Clay hear a siren blaring. They turn to see the siren.]''
:'''Female voice''': Code red.
:'''Hellboy''': Hey, hey, hey.
:'''Female voice''': Warning: Code red.
:'''Hellboy''': ''[Turns to Myers]'' They're playing our song. Come on, champ. ''[Pats Myers on the chest]'' Let's go fight some monsters.
:''[Hellboy and Clay head out, while Myers stands bewildered.]''

----
:'''Professor Broom''': In medieval stories, there is often a young knight who is inexperienced, but pure of heart.
:'''John Myers''': Oh, come on. I am not pure of heart.
:'''Abe Sapien''': ''[Who is psychic]'' Yes, you are.
:'''Professor Broom''': Rasputin is back for him. What I'm asking of you is to have the courage to stand by him when I am gone. He was born a demon; we can't change that. But you will help him, in essence, to become a man.

----
:'''John Myers''': Miss Sherman? Can I call you Liz? It's a beautiful name. 
:'''Liz Sherman''': 60 percent of the women in the world are named Liz.
:'''John Myers''': Well, it's impressive by my standards. My name's John. John T. Myers. Dr. Broom asked me to invite you back to the Bureau.

----
:'''Hellboy''': 

----
:'''Liz Sherman''': In the dark I heard your voice, what did you say?
:'''Hellboy''': I said, &quot;Hey, you on the other side &amp;ndash; let her go. Because for her I will cross over, and then you'll be sorry.&quot;

----
:''(Holding a corpse by a noose over his shoulder)''
:'''Hellboy''': This is Ivan Klimatovich. Say hi, Ivan.
:'''Ivan Klimatovich''': ''[In Russian]'' Go that way, Red Monkey!

----
:'''Hellboy''': ''[Carrying the torso of the re-animated corpse over his shoulder]'' How you doing back there, Ivan?
:'''Ivan Klimatovich''': ''[In Russian]'' If I still had legs, I'd kick your ass!
:'''Hellboy''': ''[To fellow agent]'' Could you hold this guy for a while? He is so negative.

----
:'''Professor Broom''': ''[Opening Narration]'' What is it that makes a man a man? Is it his origins, the way things start. Or is it something else, something harder to describe? For me it all began in 1944, classified mission off the coast of Scotland. The Nazis were desperate. Combining science and black magic they intended to upset the balance of the war. I was 28, already a paranormal advisor to President Roosevelt. I could never have suspected that what would transpire that night would not only effect the course of history but change my life forever.

----
:'''Professor Broom''': ''[Talking to John Myers about the history of Bureau of Paranormal Research and Defense]'' 1937: Hitler joins the Thule Society, a group of German aristocrats obsessed with the occult. In 1938, he acquired the spear of Longinus, which pierced the side of Christ. He who holds it becomes invincible. Hitler's power increases tenfold. 1943: President Roosevelt decides to fight back. The Bureau of Paranormal Research and Defense is born. 1958: the Occult Wars finally come to an end with the death of Adolf Hitler.
:'''John Myers''': ''[Stops walking for a moment, pausing in thought]'' 1945, you mean. Hitler died in '45.
:'''Professor Broom''': ''[Amused]'' Did he now?

----
:'''Tom Manning''': Every time the media gets a look at him, they come running to me. I'm running out of lies, Trevor.
:'''Professor Broom''': I thought you liked being on television.
:'''Tom Manning''': I do. ''[lights a cigar]'' So, how many escapes, this year alone? Five?
:'''Professor Broom''': Tom, he's our guest, not a prisoner.
:'''Tom Manning''': Yeah, well, your &quot;guest&quot; happens to be six-foot-five, bright red, has a tail, and is government funded.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
*[http://www.hellboy.com/ ''Hellboy'' official site]
*{{imdb title|id=0167190|title=Hellboy}}
*{{rotten-tomatoes|id=hellboy|title=Hellboy}}
*{{metacritic film|id=hellboy|title=Hellboy}}
*[http://www.sonypictures.com/movies/hellboy/ ''Hellboy'' film official site]
*[http://www.thedougjonesexperience.com/Hellboy.htm The Doug Jones Experience ''Hellboy'' film page] 
*[http://flaregamer.com/b2article.php?p=89&amp;more=1 Hellboy] at FLAREgamer
*[http://www.movie-censorship.com/report.php?ID=1905&amp;In=WikE Detailed Comparison between Theatrical release (PG-13) and Director's Cut]
*[http://www.completehellboy.com/ The Hellboy Archive]

[[Category:2004 films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Action films]]
[[Category:Fantasy films]]
[[Category:Comic book films]]
[[Category:Superhero films]]
[[Category:Apocalyptic films]]
[[Category:Demon films]]
[[Category:Screenplays by Guillermo del Toro]]
[[Category:Nazis in film]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Ty the Tasmanian Tiger</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>81140</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153853</id>
      <parentid>3150172</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-12T09:10:11Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>106.70.139.62</ip>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="11513" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Ty The Tasmanian Tiger|Ty The Tasmanian Tiger]]''''' is a series of games developed by Krome Studios. The series follows the story of the title character and his friends as they work together to stop the evil Boss Cass from taking over Southern Rivers.

== [[w:Ty the Tasmanian Tiger|Ty The Tasmanian Tiger]] ==

:'''Bilby''': I gotcha! I gotcha! Okay, Ty, I'm it. Catch me if you can! Don't move, mate. I'll get help.
:'''Nandu Gilli''': Don't be afraid, Ty. I am Nandu Gilli the Bunyip Elder.
:'''Ty''': G'day, mate!
:'''Nandu Gilli''': It's time you knew the truth. Years ago, a great battle was fought over the fate of five mystic Talismans.
:'''Boss Cass''': My dinosaur ancestors were here first, you stinky furry mammal opportunists! Remember the comet! No! You mammals don't deserve to be at the top of the food chain!
:'''Brian''': Now!
:'''Boss Cass''': Now to restore the natural order once and for all... Oh! My head!
:'''Brian''': Give it up, Boss Cass!
:'''Boss Cass''': Never, never, never!! Bye-Bye! No!
:'''Nandu Gilli''': Those brave few who challenged Boss Cass were trapped in the dreaming.
:'''Ty''': Mum? Dad?
:'''Nandu Gilli''': Word grows that Boss Cass is seeking out the Talismans again. He must be stopped at all costs. It's up to you to find the Talismans before he does.
:'''Ty''': It's up to me to save my family!
:'''Maurie''': Oi! Ty! Are you okay?
:'''Ty''': Maurie? Ah, am I glad to see you! You're never going to believe what just happened! I was playing in the forest, when the ground suddenly… …and that's when you showed up.
:'''Maurie''': Struth! Sounds like you've got a fair dinkum adventure ahead of you, mate. Not that I'm inta that sorta thing. I'd rather be at home, watchin' the footy... But! I tell ya what. You do the adventuring, and I'll help you out where I can...

{{line}}

:''[Ty comes across Bull the giant Razorback pig and climbs onto his back]''
:'''Maurie''': Your gonna sit… on that?! Are you feeling alright, mate?
:'''Shazza''': Awww, he's a big pussy cat when you get to know him, right Ty?
:'''Ty''': Yeah, right as rain! I'l use this, me Lassorang!

{{line}}

:'''Maurie''': Good news, Ty! I found you a second Boomerang!
:'''Ty''': Great! Where is it?
:'''Maurie''': You see that tree over there?
:'''Ty''': Yeah?
:'''Maurie''': It isn't there.
:'''Ty''': Right... well, where is it?
:'''Maurie''': It's on the other side of this place, you'l have to Run, Jump, Rang and Bite your way there!
:'''Ty''': oh, great!

{{line}}

:'''Ty''': G'day Shazza!
:''[Shazza jumps, banging her head on the front hood of her truck]''
:'''Shazza''': Shivers! Oh, Ty, am I glad to see you! Can you help me out of a fix? Could you help keep these Blue tounges off my back while I fill up my water bottle?
:'''Ty''': No worries!
:'''Shazza''': Thanks, possum!

== [[w:Ty the Tasmanian Tiger 2: Bush Rescue|Bush Rescue]] ==

:''[Ty and Shazza are speeding through the outback in Shazza's Forbie]''
:'''Shazza''': Hold on, Ty. I know a short cut!
:'''Ty''': I sure hope Ranger Ken got our message!
:''[A Chopper flys above them with Duke flying it and Ken leaning out giving a thumbs up]''
:'''Shazza''': Speek of the Tasmanian Devil! ''[driving towards the edge of a waterfall]''
:'''Ty''': I thought you said this was a short cut?
:'''Shazza''': It is! ''[drives off the waterfall]''
:'''Ty''': Whooooooaaaaa!
:''[The Forbie ends up on a road where the Police are with Maurie]''
:'''Maurie''': Ty, mate! You took your time! The little country town of Currawong is under attack! What nut would want to do this?
:'''Sargent Bluey''': The local security is in the thick of it! One of their mates is held up at the old Barracks!
:'''Sly''': Whoa! it's a shocker out there! Frills have breached the Northen River!
:'''Ty''': Sly, Shazza, I'm gonna need your help!
:'''Shazza''': You can count on us!
:'''Sly''': If we follow this road, it'l take us up to the old Barracks.
:'''Ty''': Ok, let's go!

{{line}}

:'''Dennis''': And it is with great pride that I cut this ribbon and officially declare open Barramudge Bush Rescue! It's a state of the art facility with an observation tower, research lab, airstrip and advanced headquarters.
:'''Shazza''': That's you, Possum!
:'''Maurie''': Good on ya, mate!
:'''Ty''': Dennis, you won't regret this. With Bush Rescue, we're ready to take on Boss Cass the next time he strikes.
:'''Dennis''': Well, it's not going to be that easy I'm afraid.
:'''Ty''': Why not?
:'''Dennis''': I just got word that Cass has set up his own country just so he can have diplomatic immunity!
:'''Ty''': You mean it's an immunity community?!
:'''Shazza''': That stinker!
:'''Maurie''': Diplomatic whatty?
:'''Dennis''': As the newly elected president of Cassopolis, Boss Cass and his diplomats are above the law as long as they're here on official Cassopolis business.
:'''Ty''': They can double park, open other people's mail and leave the milk out, and Sargent Bluey can't touch em!
:'''Shazza''': Which is why it's important for us to find out what his plans are, and catch him in the act!
:''[Buch Rescue alarm sounds]''
:'''Maurie''': ''[sigh]'' Well, there's no time to stand around gas bagging. We've got work to do!

{{line}}

:'''Ty''': G'day Boonie! Whatcha doin?
:'''Boonie''': Nothing!
:'''Ty''': You miss your Mum, don't ya?
:'''Boonie''': Sometimes...
:'''Ty''': It's ok, mate...your Dad's worried sick about you. How about we get you home before it gets to late?
:'''Boonie''': Okay.

{{line}}

:'''Buck''': What in tarnation?! You've wiped out our extras!
:'''Birrel''': Why can't you leave us alone?!
:'''Ty''': But, but-
:'''Buck''': ''[furious]'' No buts about it, boy! You've messed up for the last time!!! Now youse get out.
:'''Ty''': Ok.

== [[w:Ty the Tasmanian Tiger 3: Night of the Quinkan|Night Of The Quinkan]] ==

:'''Nandu Gilli''': Ty, Sharon. I have some bad news my friends.
:'''Ty''': Oh, no.
:'''Shazza''': What's happened?
:'''Nandu Gilli''': As Boss Cass was escaping from prison in your world, an acient evil decended into the dreaming. The Bunyips need your help Ty! You must come with me to, The Dreaming.
:''[Ty, Shazza and Nandu Gilli are teleported to The Dreaming. Shazza looks up.]''
:'''Shazza''': What are those things?
:'''Nandu''': They are evil spirits known as Quinkan. they have infected this, the most sacred of places with their senseless war! So far we have been unable to cleanse them from the Dreaming.
:'''Ty''': No worries! I reckon I can take em on.
:'''Nandu''': That would lead to a needless sacrifice! Quinkan are mystical beings with undefinable powers, save for one weekness... only by using the rare Shadow Bunyip Stone, will you have the power to counter their evil. In the tower, it waits in the form of the Bunyip Gauntlet, for the one who can weild it's power.
:'''Ty''': You beauty!
:'''Nandu''': Mallian is guarding the Gauntlet until your arrival.
:'''Shazza''': Let's go, Possum!

{{line}}

:'''Dennis''': Ty, if you don't stop Maurie from winning the big race, he'll retire for good and never rejoin Bush Rescue. ''[Dennis sobs/cries]'' I just don't know what would happen.

{{line}}

:''[After Ty defeats the Hexaquin, Shazza runs up to him]''
:'''Ty''': Shaz, we did it! Now we can get through to the rest of Southern Rivers!
:'''Shazza''': You did it, possum! Your so brave and manly.
:'''Ty''': Awww, C'mon Shaz. Your pretty manly too! ''[Shazza looks at him, anoyed]'' Er, I mean girly... er, I mean... er... I... I like you...
:''[Ty looks hopeless, Shazza rolls her eyes and smiles]''
:'''Shazza''': C'mon Possum... ''[kisses him]'' We should check out the area past the gate, meet me at Dead Dingo Marsh.

{{line}}

:'''Di''': Oh! Ty! Oh, my little cub is here!
:'''Bri''': Don't fuss over the boy, love, you'll embarrass him! Good to see ya, Son!
:'''Di''': Sorry, Ty, it's just that when we heard you were back we were so excited.
:'''Bri''': Now we've made sure we got our wide range of Boomerangs, we figured you'd know what you need to fight the Quinkan.
:'''Di''': And I made you a Sandwich.

{{line}}

:''[After Ty defeats a strange Battle Robot, the driver reveals themself]''
:'''Ty''': Fluffy?!
:'''Fluffy''': Who did you expect? The tooth Fairy?
:''[Sly Appears]''
:'''Sly''': Hey Ty, look what I found! Isn't this Shazza's? ''[hands Ty a blue bracelet]'' Fluffy?! What do you two think you're doing?
:'''Ty''': I was trying to save Shazza, and then Lizzard-breath started what she couldn't finish!
:'''Fluffy''': Hey, Ratboy. It takes two to tango.
:''[Ty and Fluffy are about to fight but Sly stands between them to break them up]''
:'''Sly''': Whoa! Hang on! Shazza's in trouble... and you're here fighting?! ''[Looks at Fluffy]'' And you! Quinkan are destroying everything! There are bigger at work here than old battles. Whether we like it or not, we're going to have to work together.
:'''Fluffy''': Mmmmm, I remember when we used to work together... we were great partners. What do you think, yellow rat?
:'''Ty''': Well he's got a point, I'm willing to try it if you are...for shazza.
:'''Sly''': Good! Now, do either of you know where the've taken Shazza?
:''[Ty Shrugs]''
:'''Fluffy''': No... but I know who might...
:'''Ty''': Who?
:'''Fluffy''': Boss Cass.
:'''Ty and Sly''': Boss Cass?
:'''Fluffy''': He's been talking with the Quinkan, He might be able to help you out.
:'''Sly''': I'd better head back to town and let Dennis know what's happend. Will you two be alright?
:'''Ty''': We'l be okay, wount we, Fluffy?
:'''Fluffy''': I know I will be, where as you...well, we can only hope.

{{line}}

:''[Ty and Shazza walk around 'Dead Dingo Marsh' and find it to be deserted]''
:'''Shazza''': Hey Ty, it looks like there arn't any Quinkan here. maybe their just in Burramudge?
:''[Quinkan are hiding in the bushes nearby]''
:'''Shazza''': It's over, we've won!
:'''Ty''': Gee, I hope so Shaz.
:''[A Quinkan pushes him over while another grabs Shazza and throws her into a crate. Ty bites the Quinkan who pushed him and notices the others have kidnapped Shazza]''
:'''Ty''': Or maybe it's just begining...hold on! I'm comming!

{{line}}

:'''Redback Russ''': We lost...this is all your fault, Redback Jack!
:'''Redback Thorn''': Yeah, you had nothing!
:'''Redback Jack''': Leave me alone, Rose!
:'''Ty''': Rose?
:''[Ty, Redback Jack and Redback Russ laugh]''
:'''Redback Thorn''': I'l never live this down.

{{line}}

:'''Redback Russ''': Redback Jack! What do think you doing out there?
:'''Redback Thorn''': Yeah, you had him!
:'''Ty''': Fair go, Guys. It was just a bit of fun.
:'''Redback Russ''': Hey, this is between us and Belvedere!
:'''Ty''': Belvedere?
:''[Ty, Redback Thorn and Redback Russ laugh]''

{{line}}

:'''Sly''': I wonder sometimes how things would of turned out if I was the one raised by Billbies, and you were the one that worked for Cass. I mean, would the Quinkan have invaded? Would you have ended up with Shazza?

{{line}}

:'''Ridge''': I've been thinking, Tiger. If we're going to be working together, you'll need your own catchphrase. How about... &quot;You've been Bush Rescued&quot;... or &quot;This case is all TYed up&quot;?

{{line}}

:'''Redback Russ''': There's no way I'm telling!
:'''Redback Thorn''': C'mon Redback Russ, Fair's fair!
:'''Redback Jack''': Yeah. C'mon, Cyril.
:'''Ty''': Cyril?
:''[Ty, Redback Thorn and Redback Jack burst into hysterical laughter as Redback Russ sulks]''
:'''Redback Russ''': I'm going to cry...

== External links==
{{Wikipedia}}

[[Category:Video games]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Live and Let Die (film)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>107196</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153780</id>
      <parentid>3152815</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-12T01:28:13Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Eaglestorm</username>
        <id>16205</id>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="5901" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
[[File:Live and let die.svg|thumb]]
'''''[[w:Live and Let Die (film)|Live and Let Die]]''''' is a [[w:1973 in film|1973 film]] about James Bond's 007 attempt to stop a diabolically brilliant heroin magnate armed with a complex organization and a reliable psychic tarot card reader.
:''Directed by [[w:Guy Hamilton|Guy Hamilton]]. Written by [[w:Tom Mankiewicz|Tom Mankiewicz]], based on [[w:Live and Let Die (novel)|the novel]] by [[w:Ian Fleming|Ian Fleming]].''
{{center|'''Roger Moore is James Bond''' &lt;small&gt;[[#Taglines|taglines]]&lt;/small&gt;}}

==James Bond==
:''[after finding a feathered hat in the cabin, Rosie Carver looks fearful, but Bond tries to console her]''
:'''James Bond''': Don't worry darling, it's just a hat, belonging to a small-headed man of limited means, who lost a fight with a chicken.

== Mr. Big ==
* Tee-Hee, on the first wrong answer from Miss Solitaire, you will snip the little finger of Mr. Bond's right hand. Starting with the second wrong answer, you will proceed to the more... ''vital''... areas.

== Sheriff J.W. Pepper ==
* ''[after stopping Kananga's henchman Adam for speeding]'' You gotta set of wheels that just won't quit, boy! If they's yours that is...''[Adam reaches for his gun but Sheriff Pepper draws his first]'' UH-UH! Spin around boy! Ten fingers on the fender. Legs apart. I take it this ain't exactly your ''debut'' at this sort of thing. You picked the WRONG parish to haul ass through BOY! NOBODY cuts and runs on Sheriff J.W. PEPPER! And it's him who's speakin' by the by.

== Dialogue ==
:''[Looking at a funeral procession, led by a marching brass band]''
:'''MI6 Agent Hamilton''': Whose funeral is it?
:'''[[Bystander]]''': Yours! ''[Stabs him. The six pallbearers carrying the coffin break from the procession, stop over Hamilton's corpse and lower the coffin over the body. When they lift it up, the body has disappeared, into the coffin. They rejoin the procession, at which point the tune becomes lively and the crowd erupts into dancing.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''M''': I'm sure the over-burdened British taxpayer would be fascinated to know how its Special Ordinances section disperses its funds. In future, Commander, let me suggest a perfectly adequate watchmaker just down the street. ''[Bond activates the watch magnet, drawing M's teaspoon to it]'' Good God!
:'''James Bond''': You see, sir, by pulling out this button, it turns the watch into a hyper-intensified magnetic field. Powerful enough to even deflect the path of a bullet - at long range, or so Q claims...
:'''M''': I feel very tempted to test that theory right now!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Big''': ''[to his men]'' Is ''this'' the stupid mother who tailed you uptown?
:'''James Bond''': There seems to be some mistake. My name is...
:'''Mr. Big''': Names is for tombstones, baby! Y'all take this honky out and WASTE HIM! NOW!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Bond has just explained the first two Lover's Lessons to Solitaire]''
:'''Solitaire''': Is there time before we leave, for Lesson number 3?
:'''James Bond''': ''[undressing]'' Of course. There's no sense going out half-cocked.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheriff J.W. Pepper''': ''[to Bond]'' There's that son of a bitch. I got him. ''[to Felix]'' What are you? Some kinda doomsday machine boy? Well WE got a cage strong enough to hold an animal like you here!
:'''Felix Leiter''': Captain, would you enlighten the Sheriff please?
:'''State Police Captain''': Yes, sir. J.W., let me have a word with ya. ''[pulls the sheriff aside; quietly]'' J.W., now this fellow's from London, England. He's a Englishman workin' in cooperation with our boys, a sorta... secret agent.
:'''Pepper''': ''[loudly]'' Secret AGENT? On WHOSE side?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tee-Hee''': ''[on a telescopic wooden bridge to the crocodilian enclosure at the farm that Kananga produces heroin at; the bridge is being wound back by Adam]'' There are two ways to disable a croc, you know.
:'''James Bond''': ''[stranded on a little island in the enclosure's big lake]'' I don't suppose you'd care to tell me what they are.
:'''Tee-Hee''': One way is to take a pencil and jam it into the pressure hole behind his eye.
:'''Bond''': And the other?
:'''Tee-Hee''': Oh, the other way is twice as simple. ''[gets off the now wound-back bridge and hands the metal feeding tray to Adam as he shuts the gate]'' You just put your hand in his mouth ''[slides the gate's locking bolt into position]'' and pull his teeth out. ''[starts laughing loudly as he, Adam and the other two henchmen walk away to the laboratory]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[after Kananga has been exploded by the compressed air pellet]''
:'''Solitaire''': Where's Kananga?
:'''James Bond''': He always did have an over-inflated opinion of himself.

== Taglines ==
* Roger Moore is James Bond
* More Action. More Excitement. More Adventure.

== Cast ==
* [[Roger Moore]] - [[w:James Bond (character)|James Bond]]
* [[w:Yaphet Kotto|Yaphet Kotto]] - Kananga / [[w:Mister Big (James Bond)|Mr. Big]]
* [[w:Jane Seymour (actress)|Jane Seymour]] - [[w:Solitaire (James Bond)|Solitaire]]
* [[w:Clifton James|Clifton James]] - Sheriff Pepper
* [[w:Julius Harris|Julius Harris]] - Tee Hee Johnson
* [[w:Geoffrey Holder|Geoffrey Holder]] - Baron Samedi
* [[w:David Hedison|David Hedison]] - [[w:Felix Leiter|Felix Leiter]]
* [[w:Gloria Hendry|Gloria Hendry]] - Rosie Carver
* [[w:Bernard Lee|Bernard Lee]] - [[w:M (James Bond)|M]]
* [[w:Lois Maxwell|Lois Maxwell]] - [[w:Miss Moneypenny|Miss Moneypenny]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}} 
* {{imdb title|id=0070328|title=Live and Let Die}} 
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=live_and_let_die|title=Live and Let Die}}

[[Category:1973 films]]
[[Category:Action films]]
[[Category:Films based on novels]]
[[Category:James Bond 007]]
[[Category:Films about terrorism]]
[[Category:Films set in New York City]]
[[Category:Films set in New Orleans]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Octopussy</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>107207</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153602</id>
      <parentid>3153313</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T17:28:29Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>AdamDeanHall</username>
        <id>12402</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Updated General Gogol’s line.</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="5898" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Octopussy|Octopussy]]''''' is a [[w:1983 in film|1983 film]] in which a fake Fabergé egg and a fellow agent's death leads James Bond to uncovering an international jewel smuggling operation, headed by the mysterious Octopussy, being used to disguise a nuclear attack on NATO forces.
:''Directed by [[w:John Glen|John Glen]]. Written by [[w:George MacDonald Fraser|George MacDonald Fraser]], [[w:Michael G. Wilson|Michael G. Wilson]], and [[w:Richard Maibaum|Richard Maibaum]], based on a short story by [[Ian Fleming]].''
{{center|'''Nobody does it better...thirteen times.''' &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Kamal Khan ==
* Mr. Bond is indeed of a very rare breed... soon to be made extinct.
* Englishman. Likes eggs, preferably Faberge, and dice, preferably loaded.

== Dialogue ==
:''[Bond and Vijay's car is being chased by Gobinda and his henchmen.]
:'''Bond''': Vijay, we've got company!
:'''Vijay''': No problem, this is a company car!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bond''': ''[hands Q his coat]'' Do you think you can help me? Someone seems to have stuck a knife in my wallet.
:'''Q''': Oh, and missed you? What a pity!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Bond and Q float in a hot air balloon]''
:'''Bond''': I trust you can handle this contraption, Q?
:'''Q''': It goes by hot air.
:'''Bond''': Oh, then you can.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vijay''': Is he still there?
:'''Q''': You must be joking! Double-0 seven on an island populated exclusively by women? We won't see him till dawn!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Orlov''': ''[enters the trailer, sees Bond in Mischka's clothes from behind]'' Leave that! Let's go.
:'''Bond''': ''[turns around, facing Orlov with pointed gun]'' No, let's stay. You. Sit on that box. Hands on your knees. Come on, move! Now why is that bomb on the train?
:'''Orlov''': Who are you?
:'''Bond''': I'm with British Secret Service.
:''[the scene cuts to two Russian soldiers having finished examining General Orlov's car with the jewel container inside the trunk and leaving to do their duty; the scene cuts again to Bond still holding General Orlov captive inside the trailer]''
:'''Orlov''': You should be more concerned about getting out of here alive.
:'''Bond''': I am more concerned about an atomic bomb exploding on a United States Air Force base. You surely can't be inviting a full-scale nuclear war. What happens when the US retaliates?
:'''Orlov''': ''[grins]'' Against whom?
:'''Bond''': ''[frowning, realizing Orlov's scheme]'' My God. Of course. Our early-warning system will rule out the possibility of that bomb having come from Russia or anywhere else. Everyone will assume incorrectly that it was a US bomb triggered accidentally.
:'''Orlov''': That would be the most plausible explanation.
:'''Bond''': Europe will insist on unilateral disarmament, leaving every border undefended for you to walk across at will. And it doesn't matter a damn to you, I suppose, that thousands of innocent people will be killed in this little &quot;accident&quot; of yours?
:'''Orlov''': Better than letting a handful of old men in Moscow bargain away our advantage in disarmament talks!
:'''Bond''': On your feet, General. You're going to stop that train.
:'''Orlov''': ''[they hear hoot as the train starts to move off]'' It's too late.
:'''Bond''': You can stop it at the border. ''[the trailer door opens, revealing two Russian soldiers and Bond, having been caught, kills one soldier and escapes to avoid being killed by the other]''
:'''Orlov''': ''[referring to Bond escaping from the Russian soldier, who is chasing him]'' Kill him!! Kill him!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bond''': ''[looking at the tattoo on Magda's back]'' What is that?
:'''Magda''': That's my little octopussy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bond''': So does he have a proposition for me or do you?
:'''Magda''': He suggest a trade. The egg... for your life.
:'''Bond''': Well, I heard the price of eggs was going up, but isn't that a little high?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Khan''': ''[preparing to leave the circus, where a bomb is placed]'' General, excuse me. I have some traveling arrangements to make. Enjoy the show.
:'''US general''': Thank you.
:'''US aide''': I'm sure the general will get a big blast out of this.
:'''Khan''': I know he won't be disappointed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Khan''': You seem to have a nasty habit of surviving.
:'''Bond''': Well, you know what they say about the fittest.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[General Gogol walks to crawling general Orlov, who has just been shot by East German border guards, thinking he was trying to defect]''
:'''Gogol''': A common thief! A disgrace to the uniform!
:'''Orlov''': ''[weakly]'' Yes. But tomorrow, I shall be the hero of the Soviet... Union... ''[dies]''

== Taglines ==
* Nobody does it better...thirteen times.
* James Bond's all time action high.
* Nobody does him better.

== Cast ==
* [[Roger Moore]] - [[w:James Bond (character)|James Bond]]
* [[w:Maud Adams|Maud Adams]] - [[w:Octopussy (character)|Octopussy]]
* [[w:Louis Jourdan|Louis Jourdan]] - [[w:Kamal Khan|Kamal Khan]]
* [[w:Kristina Wayborn|Kristina Wayborn]] - [[w:Magda (James Bond)|Magda]]
* [[w:Kabir Bedi|Kabir Bedi]] - Gobinda
* [[w:Steven Berkoff|Steven Berkoff]] - [[w:General Orlov|General Orlov]]
* [[w:Desmond Llewelyn|Desmond Llewelyn]] - [[w:Q (James Bond)|Q]]
* [[w:Robert Brown|Robert Brown]] - [[w:M (James Bond)|M]]
* [[w:Lois Maxwell|Lois Maxwell]] - [[w:Miss Moneypenny|Miss Moneypenny]]
* [[w:Michaela Clavell|Michaela Clavell]] - Penelope Smallbone
* [[w:Walter Gotell|Walter Gotell]] - General Anatol Gogol

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}} 
* {{imdb title|id=0086034|title=Octopussy}} 
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=octopussy|title=Octopussy}}

[[Category:Action films]]
[[Category:James Bond 007]]
[[Category:1983 films]]
[[Category:Films based on short fiction]]
[[Category:Nuclear weapons in media]]
[[Category:Films about terrorism]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3153603</id>
      <parentid>3153602</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T17:29:01Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>AdamDeanHall</username>
        <id>12402</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Changed a word.</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="5896" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Octopussy|Octopussy]]''''' is a [[w:1983 in film|1983 film]] in which a fake Fabergé egg and a fellow agent's death leads James Bond to uncovering an international jewel smuggling operation, headed by the mysterious Octopussy, being used to disguise a nuclear attack on NATO forces.
:''Directed by [[w:John Glen|John Glen]]. Written by [[w:George MacDonald Fraser|George MacDonald Fraser]], [[w:Michael G. Wilson|Michael G. Wilson]], and [[w:Richard Maibaum|Richard Maibaum]], based on a short story by [[Ian Fleming]].''
{{center|'''Nobody does it better...thirteen times.''' &lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

== Kamal Khan ==
* Mr. Bond is indeed of a very rare breed... soon to be made extinct.
* Englishman. Likes eggs, preferably Faberge, and dice, preferably loaded.

== Dialogue ==
:''[Bond and Vijay's car is being chased by Gobinda and his henchmen.]
:'''Bond''': Vijay, we've got company!
:'''Vijay''': No problem, this is a company car!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bond''': ''[hands Q his coat]'' Do you think you can help me? Someone seems to have stuck a knife in my wallet.
:'''Q''': Oh, and missed you? What a pity!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Bond and Q float in a hot air balloon]''
:'''Bond''': I trust you can handle this contraption, Q?
:'''Q''': It goes by hot air.
:'''Bond''': Oh, then you can.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vijay''': Is he still there?
:'''Q''': You must be joking! Double-0 seven on an island populated exclusively by women? We won't see him till dawn!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Orlov''': ''[enters the trailer, sees Bond in Mischka's clothes from behind]'' Leave that! Let's go.
:'''Bond''': ''[turns around, facing Orlov with pointed gun]'' No, let's stay. You. Sit on that box. Hands on your knees. Come on, move! Now why is that bomb on the train?
:'''Orlov''': Who are you?
:'''Bond''': I'm with British Secret Service.
:''[the scene cuts to two Russian soldiers having finished examining General Orlov's car with the jewel container inside the trunk and leaving to do their duty; the scene cuts again to Bond still holding General Orlov captive inside the trailer]''
:'''Orlov''': You should be more concerned about getting out of here alive.
:'''Bond''': I am more concerned about an atomic bomb exploding on a United States Air Force base. You surely can't be inviting a full-scale nuclear war. What happens when the US retaliates?
:'''Orlov''': ''[grins]'' Against whom?
:'''Bond''': ''[frowning, realizing Orlov's scheme]'' My God. Of course. Our early-warning system will rule out the possibility of that bomb having come from Russia or anywhere else. Everyone will assume incorrectly that it was a US bomb triggered accidentally.
:'''Orlov''': That would be the most plausible explanation.
:'''Bond''': Europe will insist on unilateral disarmament, leaving every border undefended for you to walk across at will. And it doesn't matter a damn to you, I suppose, that thousands of innocent people will be killed in this little &quot;accident&quot; of yours?
:'''Orlov''': Better than letting a handful of old men in Moscow bargain away our advantage in disarmament talks!
:'''Bond''': On your feet, General. You're going to stop that train.
:'''Orlov''': ''[they hear hoot as the train starts to move off]'' It's too late.
:'''Bond''': You can stop it at the border. ''[the trailer door opens, revealing two Russian soldiers and Bond, having been caught, kills one soldier and escapes to avoid being killed by the other]''
:'''Orlov''': ''[referring to Bond escaping from the Russian soldier, who is chasing him]'' Kill him!! Kill him!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bond''': ''[looking at the tattoo on Magda's back]'' What is that?
:'''Magda''': That's my little octopussy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bond''': So does he have a proposition for me or do you?
:'''Magda''': He suggest a trade. The egg... for your life.
:'''Bond''': Well, I heard the price of eggs was going up, but isn't that a little high?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Khan''': ''[preparing to leave the circus, where a bomb is placed]'' General, excuse me. I have some traveling arrangements to make. Enjoy the show.
:'''US general''': Thank you.
:'''US aide''': I'm sure the general will get a big blast out of this.
:'''Khan''': I know he won't be disappointed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Khan''': You seem to have a nasty habit of surviving.
:'''Bond''': Well, you know what they say about the fittest.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[General Gogol walks to crawling general Orlov, who has just been shot by East German border guards, thinking he was trying to defect]''
:'''Gogol''': A common thief! A disgrace to the uniform!
:'''Orlov''': ''[weakly]'' Yes. But tomorrow, I shall be a hero of the Soviet... Union... ''[dies]''

== Taglines ==
* Nobody does it better...thirteen times.
* James Bond's all time action high.
* Nobody does him better.

== Cast ==
* [[Roger Moore]] - [[w:James Bond (character)|James Bond]]
* [[w:Maud Adams|Maud Adams]] - [[w:Octopussy (character)|Octopussy]]
* [[w:Louis Jourdan|Louis Jourdan]] - [[w:Kamal Khan|Kamal Khan]]
* [[w:Kristina Wayborn|Kristina Wayborn]] - [[w:Magda (James Bond)|Magda]]
* [[w:Kabir Bedi|Kabir Bedi]] - Gobinda
* [[w:Steven Berkoff|Steven Berkoff]] - [[w:General Orlov|General Orlov]]
* [[w:Desmond Llewelyn|Desmond Llewelyn]] - [[w:Q (James Bond)|Q]]
* [[w:Robert Brown|Robert Brown]] - [[w:M (James Bond)|M]]
* [[w:Lois Maxwell|Lois Maxwell]] - [[w:Miss Moneypenny|Miss Moneypenny]]
* [[w:Michaela Clavell|Michaela Clavell]] - Penelope Smallbone
* [[w:Walter Gotell|Walter Gotell]] - General Anatol Gogol

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}} 
* {{imdb title|id=0086034|title=Octopussy}} 
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=octopussy|title=Octopussy}}

[[Category:Action films]]
[[Category:James Bond 007]]
[[Category:1983 films]]
[[Category:Films based on short fiction]]
[[Category:Nuclear weapons in media]]
[[Category:Films about terrorism]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>The Angry Video Game Nerd</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>110343</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153518</id>
      <parentid>3152688</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T13:11:56Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:6C5A:87F:E9B8:F148:6766:1C06:5805</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* A Nightmare on Elm Street */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="416209" xml:space="preserve">'''''[[w:The Angry Video Game Nerd|The Angry Video Game Nerd]]''''' is an Internet series based on a main character, the &quot;Nerd&quot;, created and portrayed by James D. Rolfe. In each episode, the Nerd reviews a terrible video game and rants about it using [[Profanity|profane language]]. Mike Matei helps Rolfe by playing guest characters in certain episodes (Bugs Bunny, The Joker, etc.). Kyle Justin sings and plays the theme song written by Rolfe.

The first two episodes were made in 2004 by Rolfe as a joke to his friends but in 2006, Matei suggested to Rolfe that it should become a regular series.

== Pilots ==

=== [[w:Castlevania II: Simon's Quest|Castlevania II: Simon's Quest]] ===

:''[First line of the series]''
:'''AVGN''': This game sucks. Castlevania I and III are great classic Nintendo games, but for ''[[w: Castlevania II: Simon's Quest|Castlevania II: Simon's Quest]],''  the game designers obviously were not thinking straight.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(complaining about how the game regularly interrupts itself with long, unskippable day-to-night transitions with a text box saying &quot;'''WHAT A HORRIBLE NIGHT TO HAVE A CURSE.'''&quot;)'' Why does this need to happen so often? Like, every five minutes? Why does it take so long? Nobody feels like sitting through this every time. How would you like it if you were playin' a game and then every five minutes I came over, and paused it, then counted ten tedious seconds, and then let you continue play the game? Now, I mean, why did they think that that would be a good idea and interrupt the gameplay, did they think it would be more realistic? I mean, in real life I don't have to stop in my tracks when the sun sets and a fuckin' box doesn't pop up in the air. I mean, this is one of the most annoying features in any game ever. What's the point? Yeah, the, I mean, the monsters are stronger at night and the stores are closed, but why's that necessary and why does the game have to stop? It's fuckin' retarded. And why do you have to die when you fall in the water? That's the stupidest thing I've ever seen. [[w:List_of_Castlevania_characters#Simon Belmont|This guy]] can go all over fightin' hordes of evil monsters, but he can't even fuckin' swim?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN:''' Oh, look, I finally got enough hearts to go and buy a plant that I need to cross the swamp, now let me get to the store. ''(nighttime falls)''  Oh shit, it's fuckin' night time, now the stores are all closed and I have to wait for it to turn day again. Oh well, I might as well kill some zombies in the meantime and stock up on some more hearts. ''(falls into water and dies)'' OH SHIT! Now I gotta start all over again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Here, in the dungeons, there's books that you may find which actually give you clues about things in the game that you may need to know about. But, when I find these books, half the time it's by accident, so I may hit the button and cancel it out which means I don't even get to read it and I don't have a second chance. Why can't I do that when it changes from day to night? That would actually be helpful. So, what the game designers figured is this: it isn't absolutely necessary for me to read about how to find Dracula's castle or what I'm supposed to do with an Oak Stake, but what I do need to read, again and again constantly, is: &quot;The morning sun has vanquished the horrible night&quot;. How about ''&quot;vanquished this horrible GAME&quot;?''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(using the password feature to skip to the end of the game and having to input 16 characters)'' The only sure way to get through this awful game is to enter a code, but even that is way more tedious than it should be. While most of the ''Castlevania'' games have symbols you enter for a code, this one just has a whole bunch of numbers. I mean, like, one of those [four-character]little parts would be enough for a password. But why four? Like why so many? In general, I hate games that have passwords like this, because sometimes they have uppercase and lowercase letters. Like the l's, you know, look like I's, the 0's look like O's, the 8's look like 5's so, why does there have to be so many digits? Y'know, like why can't it just be numbers or somethin'? Like, y' know, just numbers and not letters? I mean, it takes me, like, five minutes to enter this code when it should only take, like, five seconds. It's friggin' stupid. Okay, so, say we enter the code, and we go to Dracula's castle. You'll be pretty disappointed how anticlimactic this game is. It isn't even worth putting in a code, let alone playing the whole game all the way through, which, if you did, I feel bad for you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': What a piece of shit. I mean, I feel horrible that I had to play this game in order to make this video, but I did it to demonstrate its dreadfulness and I forced myself to play it just so that you don't have to. So, you should thank me for telling you to stay away from this horrible steaming pile of goat shit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Thank you for listening, good night. The ending sucks too.

=== [[w:Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (video game)|Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde]] ===
:'''AVGN''':  ''[[w:Pong|Pong]]'' is better. Pong is only, like, three lines and a ball. Those little [[w:Tiger Electronics|Tiger]], like, electronic wrist games, ''those'' are better than Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. It makes no fucking sense! It's like, what were they thinking? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''[looking at the cartridge]'' Here it is, here's the piece of shit game. ''[looks at the price tag, which reads 89 cents]'' Who the hell spent this much fuckin' money on this game?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''':  I mean, if you ever find the game, if you ever see it, smash it. Smash it with a hammer. Smash it 'til every tiny fragment is, like, is so small it's invisible. I mean... you'd rather superglue your fuckhole shut than play that game. You'd rather drown in gasoline. You'd rather... you know, th-the thing is... you think I'm joking, like I'm trying to be funny or something. No, the fact that that game exists is a horrible abomination of mankind. That game is so fucking horrible, and I am not kidding. I am dead fuckin' serious. ''[close-up of the Nerd]'' DEAD... FUCKIN'... SERIOUS. ''[fade-out as the Nerd nervously laughs]''

== Season One ==

=== [[w:The Karate Kid (video game)|The Karate Kid]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': I ''hate'' this game. I mean, it makes me wanna kill myself. Now, the only comforting thing to know is that everybody seems to share my frustration. ''Karate Kid'' is a game, that has haunted many of our childhoods. I mean, everybody has the same story: &quot;I loved the movie, so I got the Nintendo game, and I couldn't stand it, yet I had to keep on playing it, because I had to beat it.&quot; So, what is it about this game, that's drawn so many unfortunate kids to turn into bitter adults, reminiscing on their angry childhood; screamin' at the TV, throwin' the controllers? I mean, anybody who has beaten this incredibly hard piece of shit will not have any sense of satisfaction but, rather regrets, because it is a complete waste of fuckin' time. I mean, it's like coming out of a brutal fight, being the winner, but achieving nothing for all your troubles but some bloody bruises and broken bones. It's just not worth it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': (''dies in a pit'') I hate this game, but why am I playing it? Well, that's the question everyone has asked themselves. And they all have the same reason: because you're angry and you wanna win. You wanna beat the Nintendo, but the cold fact is that nobody cares but you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Man, I guess they decided because the game's only four levels long, it better be the hardest four levels ever. Well, how 'bout this, how about if I made a game where there's just this one cliff you have to jump over and it's like nearly impossible, but if you do it, you win the game and that's it. I mean, what the hell were they thinkin' with this piece of shit? What the hell? Now, if you're a serious Nintendo collector, do yourself a favor, don't get this game, because it's not worth it. I mean, it's made many lives miserable and, y'know, if you see it on sale for a dollar, just stay away. Don't even touch it. ''[spits on cartridge and flushes it down the toilet.]''

=== [[w:Who Framed Roger Rabbit (Nintendo Entertainment System)|Who Framed Roger Rabbit]] ===
:'''AVGN''': ''(talking to a lady after punching her)'' &quot;'''CAN YOU HELP ME'''&quot;, &quot;'''GO AWAY, YOU HORRID MAN'''&quot;... how about &quot;Go away, you HORRID GAME!&quot;?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(gets game over and sees a 20 character password)'' And look at this! Th-this is the longest password ever! Would it have killed them to make this any shorter? It takes forever! Like, why should any game, take like ten minutes to type in the fuckin' password?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(calling Jessica Rabbit on the phone)'' This is Jessica Rabbit? Well, I got your number and I'm callin' just to say &quot;FUCK YOU!&quot;
:'''Jessica Rabbit''': I hope you're proud of yourself!
:'''AVGN''': Yeah, well, I hope you're proud of yourself, and you know what I mean, ya fuckin' whore.
:'''Jessica Rabbit''': I'm not bad. I'm just drawn that way.
:'''AVGN''': Yeah, well, wait 'til I draw your suicide note in your own blood, you bunny fuckin' bitch. I'm comin' over and I'm gonna kill you. I'm gonna kill your whole motherfuckin' family! ''(returns to playing the game)'' Alright, well now I got that out of my system, let's continue with the game.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': All right, the game sucks, end of story; I wanna nail Roger Rabbit to the fuckin' cross.

=== [[w:Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1989 video game)|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]] ===
:'''AVGN''': You may even think I'm tryin' to compare it to the sequels, which are far superior. Two-player, arcade action, beat up a bunch of Foot Soldiers. Good stuff. But, this first one is garbage

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': April O'Neil says: &quot;You have my support.&quot; Okay. What the hell did she ever do for you? Stupid banana raincoat wearin' bitch.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(in the sewers level, as an enemy causes the on-screen turtle to fall in rushing water)'' Ughhh, you son of a fuck! And you know what pisses me off? They're turtles, for fuck's sakes! They can't even swim?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Aw, you fuckrat! This is just a bunch of cockadookie, this is bullfuck.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Cowabunga... Cow-a-FUCKIN' PIECE OF DOGSHIT! This game is diarrhea comin' outta my dick! This game is as appealing as a fuckin' ooze-infested dirty fuckin' sewer rat shit! I've had more fun playing with dog turds! [[w:Shredder (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Shredder's]] my ass and [[w:Splinter (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Splinter's]] my balls! This game is an inside-out asshole regurgitating putrid anal fecal matter! I'd rather fuckin' yank all the hairs out of my scrotum! I'd rather drink diarrhea vomited out of a buffalo's anus! It suckin' fucks, it fuckin' sucks, IT FUCKIN' BLOWS, IT'S A PIECEASHIT... and I don't like it.

=== [[w:Back to the Future (NES video game)|Back to the Future]] ===
:'''AVGN''': ''(on the repetitive music)'' I'd rather have a fucking buffalo take a diarrhea dump in my ear than subject them to this horrendous garbage.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(on the nonsensical in-game representation of Hill Valley and all the obstacles Marty McFly must deal with)'' What happened here? Is this Hill Valley or is it Hell?
:'''Doc Brown:''' No, it's Hill Valley, although I can't imagine Hell being much worse!

&lt;hr width =&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Like, if I just shat into a bag, and wrote ''&quot;Back to the Future&quot;'' on it, that would be the same as this awful piece of shit. It brings my piss to a boil. What a piece of shit! I'll never play it again, either. It's my last time. ''(scoffs)'' I'd rather eat out the rotten asshole of a roadkill skunk than play this game, ever again. And I'm dead serious, too. And do you know what's worse? You know what's - what's really worse? Guess what? There's a sequel!
:'''Marty:''' NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
:'''AVGN''': ''playing [[w:Back to the Future II &amp; III|Back to the Future II &amp; III]]'' Yes, it's true. ''Back to the Future II &amp; III''. Two shitty games for the price of one. Let's check it out.

=== [[w:M.C. Kids|M.C. Kids]] ===
:'''AVGN''': So there's Ronald with his magic bag... bag of hallucinogenic drugs. I always thought that clown was one scary motherfucker.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Then you go to Grimace's board. Here's Grimace, the big purple fuck. Look at his house! It looks like Barney the Dinosaur's testicle.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': It never ends with this game; it’s just like an infinite turd coming out of my ass.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(Explaining a 1-Up gathering trick)'' So if you have an hour to waste, then, there you go. Have fun. You're completely wasting your time, anyway, if playing this game, as I am. Let alone make a fucking video about it. Some people like to call 1-ups &quot;extra guys&quot; or &quot;free mans&quot;. I like to call 'em life insurance.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(At the end of the review)'' Toasty!

=== [[w:Wally Bear and the NO! Gang|Wally Bear and the NO! Gang]] ===
:'''AVGN''': And what's this button for? &quot;PRESS HERE&quot;? Seriously, press here? What for? I mean is it supposed to be telling you how to push the game down? Like, how to put the game into the system? Well, I-I can't really push on it when it's inside the Nintendo. You know, did they really think kids are that stupid? I mean, it should just say, &quot;PRESS HERE, YOU DUMB FUCK!&quot; Like some kid's gonna be like, &quot;Uhhh, duhh, how do I put the game in?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Back in the '80s, it seemed like there were all these characters tryin' to keep kids off of drugs. Whether it was [[w:McGruff the Crime Dog|Mcgruff]], or [[w:Pee-wee Herman|Pee-wee]], or [[w:Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue|the combined efforts of Alf, Michaelangelo, Bugs Bunny and Miss Piggy]] And... this game, I'm sure it didn't help kids stay off drugs at all. In fact, I'm sure the people who made it were on something. So, avoid it at all costs, unless... you are fucked up on drugs. So in that case, let's say NO to drugs... ''(drinking his Rolling Rock)'' and let's say NO to this fuckin' game.

=== [[w:Master Chu and the Drunkard Hu|Master Chu and the Drunkard Hu]] ===
:'''AVGN''': So, yeah, it's a weird game, and you can just tell just by the cartridge. It's one of those weird baby blue cartridges, so you can tell right of the bat that it's a big piece of fucking shit.
:'''Shit Pickle''': Pickle.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': There's only one reason to buy this game. And that's to be able to say, &quot;I own ''Master Chu and the Drunkard Hu'',&quot; so people can awkwardly stare at you.
:'''Shit Pickle''': Shit-pickle-shit-pickle-shit-pickle-shit-pickle.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(Shit Pickle plays the game.)'' So, what do you think?
:'''Shit Pickle''': Shit!
:'''AVGN''': Exactly.

=== [[w:Top Gun (video game)|Top Gun]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': (on the landing sequence) You know, it's like every time I get to this part, I think I might have a chance. This is gonna be it. I'm finally going to land the plane. ''(reading the on-screen directions)'' '''&quot;Speed down. Left, left. Speed up. Right, right! Speed up! Speed down! Left, left! Speed up! Speed down. Up, up! Up, up!&quot;''' I'm hitting up.
''[The Nerd sweats profusely getting closer to the TV. The plane misses the aircraft carrier and crashes into the ocean''.]
:'''The Nerd''': '''''ASSSS! FUUUUCK!'''''

=== [[w: Double Dragon III|Double Dragon III]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Ooh, I know what you're thinking. &quot;How dare you pick on ''Double Dragon''?&quot; But I'm not. [[w:Double Dragon|''Double Dragon'']]'s awesome! So is [[w:Double Dragon II|''Double Dragon II: The Revenge'']]. But ''Double Dragon III: The Sacred Stones'' is just a fucking waste.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(Playing the two-player game, on the introductory cutscene)'' Now, just like the one-player game, it starts off with the story sequence, but this time it shows both the Double Dragons, Billy and Jimmy Lee. Oh, wait... '''''Bimmy and Jimmy'''?'' How'd they make a mistake like this!? '''''Bimmy''''' isn't even a real name! How did this happen!? They didn't even proofread this shitty game before they released it? '''''Bimmy and Jimmy?''''' I'm sorry, I just can't get over that. '''''Bimmy and Jimmy.''''' There's a typo in a Nintendo game, let alone a fucking ''Double Dragon'' game, and it's the first screen!

=== [[w:Friday the 13th (NES game)|Friday the 13th]] ===
:'''AVGN''': Oh, fffuck! Look at the map. I've just been walkin' in the wrong fuckin' direction. What a wonderful game! The bare basics of left and right do not apply. And that's why this game is so great, because it's free from all logic. Logic is for pussies!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(commenting on the game over screen)'' That's ingenious. That's... the best Game Over screen I ever saw. For real, I'm actually being dead serious! DEAD FUCKIN' SERIOUS. That's brilliant, right? ''(looks at Jason)'' &quot;You and your friends are dead. Game Over.&quot; It's priceless. Like, I can't believe it! Isn't that a mean thing to say to kids? Nobody ever ''dies'' in Nintendo. They're either &quot;defeated&quot; or they... turn into an item and like, float away. But here comes a game, like ''Friday the 13th'', that just cuts the bullshit, shows some balls, comes flat out and says: &quot;You're fuckin' dead... ''and'' your friends, too.&quot; Beautiful. And what if there was a sequel? It would have to say somethin' even worse. Like, I got it. I got a good idea of what it should say. It should say:
:'''&quot;You're dead.'''
:'''Your friends are dead.'''
:'''Your family's dead.'''
:'''Your fuckin' pets are bein' skinned alive.'''
:'''Your mom's a fuckin' whore.'''
:'''You suck at life.'''
:'''The whole world hates you.'''
:'''You're goin' to hell.'''
:'''Live with it.'''
:'''Game Over.&quot;'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I'd rather play ''Doom'' on Atari. I'd rather play ''Halo'' on a Tiger Electronics wrist game. I'd rather drown in diarrhea. I'd rather fuckin' eat my fuckin' balls off and puke 'em out my fuckin' ass! I'd rather piss a cactus out of my dick! The music is fuckin' worse than life itself, and I'd turn the volume down except for the fact that I have to hear the Jason Alarm! It's all just a test of patience, and it can kiss ''my fuckin’ asshole!''

=== [[w:A Nightmare on Elm Street (video game)#video games|A Nightmare on Elm Street]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': Could the villains be any more stock? Like, we have this creepy game about Freddy. What kind of creepy characters can we add? Well, how about bats, ghosts, spiders, skeletons, Frankensteins for the kiddies? Could it be any more un-creative than that? Like, why don't they just add some witches, black cats, and flying jack-o'-lanterns? They should've just called the game &quot;Boo! Haunted House!&quot; Which is probably what they originally had in mind, until they thought, &quot;No, wait, make it about [[w:Freddy Kreuger|Freddy]]. We already ruined ''Friday the 13th,'' now let's do the same thing to ''Nightmare on Elm Street.&quot;'' And that's right. It's by the same company. We're not gonna say who it is, but it stands for &quot;[[w:LJN|Laughin' Jokin' Numbnuts]].&quot;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, God! Is Freddy comin'? He sure is! Of all the shitty things in this game, this screen is so cheesy that it's just awesome. But it's ruined by the fuckin' trademark symbol! ''[zooms in on the trademark symbol next to Freddy's name]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': You know what's really weird? That this game was actually capable of a 4-player mode using an accessory that allows four controllers to be connected to your Nintendo Entertainment System? Now, I can't imagine having four people playing this game. Who's gonna want to play this piece of shit? I'm lucky if I can get one other person! I have a better chance of cloning myself.
:''[Four Nerds play the game together, yelling things such as &quot;This is fuckin' fuck!&quot;, &quot;It's diarrhea fuck!&quot;, &quot;This game is horrible!&quot;, &quot;Diarrhea fuck.&quot;, &quot;It sucks!&quot;, &quot;It's fuck!&quot;, &quot;It's balls!&quot;, &quot;What a piece of fuck.&quot;, &quot;What a fuckload of fuck.&quot;, and &quot;What a piece of fuckin' fuck.&quot;]''
:'''Back Nerd''': Hey, wait. Wait, wait, wait. I just cloned myself. I'm in a dream, I can do whatever I want, so why don't we all just stop playin' this fuckin' game?
:'''Left Nerd''': Yeah.
:'''Back Nerd''': So, the fuck with that fuck.
:'''Right Nerd''': Yeah, the fuck with that... godfuckingdamn fuck.
:'''True Nerd''': The fuck with that godfuckingdamn... '''''fuckin'''''' fuck.
:'''Left Nerd''': &lt;big&gt;'''''THE FUCK WITH THAT GODFUCKINGDAMN MOTHERFUCKIN' BULLFUCK!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''True Nerd''': Relax.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Freddy Krueger''': Whoa! Look at me! I'm the fuckin' Nerd! What a piece of fuck! Buffalo diarrhea fuckfarts! You see, Nerd? Nobody makes you play these games but yourself. So, you're your own damn nightmare. Now, you're gonna die.
:'''The Nerd''': Go yank your cock through your fuck, you fuckin' butt mongrel: I got the ''Power Glove!''

=== [[w:Power Glove|Power Glove]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': [[w:The Wizard (1989 film)|I love the Power Glove. It's so bad.]] And I mean ''bad''. This thing is bad. Why need a glove to play a game? What's wrong with this? ''[grabs the regular NES controller]'' Huh? I don't know. I thought this was okay, playing it, you know, with a controller. So if anything, the Power Glove, it's an interesting experiment in gaming technology. But too bad they were just fuckin' jerkin' off! Like, why does it suck so bad? Well, I have one complaint, ''[flashes middle finger]'' ''one fuckin' complaint'' about this glove; It doesn't work.  Now, what's the most important aspect about any game? Well, being able to fuckin' play it!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[Plays [[w:Jackal (video game)|Jackal]] and reads the opening screen's text]'' &quot;'''This battle will make your blood boil. Good luck!'''&quot; &quot;Good luck&quot; is right. I'm using the fuckin' Power Glove.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[plays [[w:Rad Racer|Rad Racer]] with the Power Glove]'' You know what's really cool about ''Rad Racer?'' That if you push &quot;Select&quot;... ''[pushes &quot;Select&quot;]'' ...the game goes ''3D.'' I'm playing ''Rad Racer'' with the Power Glove ''and'' 3D glasses. Ya can't get any more rad than that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Wow. Playing ''[[w:Top Gun (video game)#Original releases|Top Gun]]'' with the Power Glove. [[The Angry Video Game Nerd#Toxic Crusaders|It's like pukin' on a pile of shit]]. [in-game, &quot;'''TO LANDING SEQUENCE'''&quot;] Oh, my God. What the fuck am I doing? I'm tryin' to land the plane in Top Gun with the Power Glove? I can't even land it with the regular controller. ''[he manages to successfully land the plane; surprised, he takes a quick glance at the Power Glove, and looks back at the screen]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': If you want to bring a totally new element of challenge to your Nintendo games, try the Power Glove, 'cause it sure makes everything a lot harder. It's just a barely functional contraption designed to rip off little kids. It's the biggest scam since the Atari 5200 controller. The only kids who owned this were usually the richer ones who thought they were cool. Well, they're not cool. I'm not cool, either. Look at me. You think I'm cool? I've got a fuckin' glove on my hand. I'm tryin' to play a fuckin' game with it. I look like an idiot with [[w:A Fistful of Dollars|a fistful of fuck.]] ''[pretends to shoot his fingers off with the grey 1985 NES Zapper, leaving only his middle finger, which he flashes.]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Now you're playing with power. Now you're playing with fuckin' shit! You're better off fuckin' shit than fuckin' with this fucked-up shit! Fuck this shit! You don't know shit about how fuckin' shitty this fuckin' shit is! It's so bad it sucks. It's so fuckin' suck it fucks! And I...can't take it anymore. ''[holds bottle of Rolling Rock which he drinks while wearing the Power Glove, accompanied by the &quot;Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!!&quot; Game Over Theme]''

=== Chronologically Confused ===
:'''AVGN''': ''(talking about the [[w:Mega Man|Mega Man]] series)'' What's this? Mega Man Battle network series? [[w:Mega Man 64|Mega Man 64]]? Did they really make it that far? No, that was just the Nintendo 64's stupid gimmick of putting 64 at the end of every fucking title.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': So when [[w:Final Fantasy VII|Final Fantasy VII]] came out, they just called it Final Fantasy VII and that's when the confusion began. I wondered what the fuck happened to IV V and VI?! But what I really should've been wondering, little did I know, what the fuck happened to II III and V? And once I figured that out, I was like,&quot;So there were other Final Fantasy games we didn't know about?&quot; I was playing VI all along and not III? What a fuckin' bunch of fuckin' bullfuck!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The Star Trek series did the same thing. Right now, there's ten of them. Star Trek I-VI were all numbered. But when they stopped using the original cast from the show and started using the cast from Star Trek: The Next Generation, they dropped the numbers from the films and called them: Star Trek Generations, Star Trek First Contact, Star Trek Insurrection and Star Trek Nemesis. Okay, well that's real fine. But where did the fucking numbers go? If they couldn't call Star Trek Generations, Star Trek VII then why didn't they call it Star Trek The Next Generation off the show and then call the next one Star Trek The Next Generation II and just start a new line of sequels? 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The title of [[w:Bruce Lee|Bruce Lee's]] first film was called ''[[w:The Big Boss|The Big Boss]]'', but when they released it in the U.S., the American distributors or whoever was responsible decided to change the title to ''Fists of Fury''. Well okay, that's just fine, but the next one happened to be called ''[[w:Fist of Fury|Fist Of Fury]]''. So, uh oh, we fucked up! What are we going to call it here in the U.S.? We can't call it ''Fist of Fury'' because we changed the last one to ''Fists of Fury''. Call it ''The Chinese Connection'' and from now on, just call the movies whatever the fuck they're originally called.

=== [[w:Rocky (1987 video game)|Rocky]] ===
:'''AVGN''': ''(Regarding the training sequences)'' Cock-a-fuckin'-doodle-ass-shit-suckin'-bullfuck! This is fuckin' boring!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(On the convoluted controls as described in the game manual)'' So did you get that? Well, let me sum it up. It stinks!
:'''Rocky''': That's right, it stinks!
:'''AVGN''': It's a bunch of putrid anal shit coming out of a rhinoceros' asshole. It fucks up the ass, shits out the mouth, piss out the nose, dookie out the ear, diarrhea out the dick, shits for the birds! The control in this game... is pooh-pooh.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': This game is ass. I'd rather take a bath in elephant feces. I'd rather eat raw eggs.

=== Bible Games ===
:'''AVGN''': ''(Playing [[w:Bible Adventures|Bible Adventures]], reviewing &quot;Noah's Ark&quot;; regarding the character Noah, who literally picks up animals and puts them in the ark in the game)'' I just can't get over that. He's an old man, and not only does he pick the animals up, he lifts them over his head! It doesn't even slow him down. How could such an old man be so strong? Have you ever tried to lift a horse? Not that easy. What the shit!? Let alone a horse and an ox!? Or fuck! A horse, a cow, and two oxen!? What the fuckin' shit!? Noah's so goddamn strong, he puts [[w:The Incredible Hulk|The Hulk]] to shame. And the poor creatures, they're so scared shitless, they don't even try to get away. Noah, man. Nobody fucks with him. Not even [[w:Chuck Norris|Chuck Norris]]!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(Reviewing &quot;David and Goliath&quot;)'' And you know what? All three games use the same music. You'd rather listen to your own infant son puking to death. That is, choking on his own puke-chunks. ''(long pause)'' That's disgusting. I apologize.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(reviewing [[w:Bible Buffet|Bible Buffet]] on NES, responding to its in-game voice clips)'' That voice is just crazy! I-I dunno what it is, but it just sounds out of place. Not that anything is ''in'' place, but I dunno. It's so rare to hear such a clear voice in a Nintendo game. But I suppose it's also rare for Nintendo to have a Bible game with no references to the Bible, resembling Atari, that's all about food trying to kill you, yet it's also a board game rip-off with quizzes that you can't answer, and, if it's a Bible game, why do you blow a snowman's head off? Whatever happened to &quot;[[Book of Exodus|Thou shall not kill]]&quot;? Please, somebody tell me! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''[ [[w:Invisible Touch (song)|Invisible Touch]] is heard in the background]'' So let's play another bible game. It's the Book of Genesis on [[w:Sega Genesis|Sega Genesis]]. And the soundtrack is [[w:Genesis (band)|Genesis]]. ...I'm just making this up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''[Playing [[w:Super 3D Noah's Ark|Super Noah's Ark 3D]]]'' Listen to how cheerful the music is. ''(Theme from Super 3D Noah's ark plays)'' Wow, that's great. It's just what you need is some really upbeat music to go along with Noah getting murdered by a bunch of fucking goats!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I’d rather fuck a porcupine and shove a cactus up my ass! I'd rather slurp crap oozing out of a warthog's anus-hole! It's just a bunch of poopy diarrhea doodoo ass-shit!

== Season Two ==

=== [[w:Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III Part One]] ===

:'''The Nerd''': (sighs) ''Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III'' ''(he slaps the tape back into its case as it starts to fall out)'' SUCKS SHIT! Not even regular shit. Putrid, barfed-out roadkill diarrhea shit. Now you might be sayin', &quot;Well that's your opinion.&quot; Well yeah, it is. It's my opinion, that it's a motherfuckin' fact, that this pile of dog shit called ''Ninja Turtles III'' is the most god-awful disgrace in human existence! Now, I know you've seen a lot of bad movies. But, no, let me tell you, this movie is '''BAD.''' Like, how bad? Like, is it the worst of the ''Turtles'' trilogy? Oh, undeniably, but that's not the point. My point, is that this is the worst fuckin' movie I've ever seen in my life! Now, I can tell you from the perspective of a 12-year-old and a 26-year-old, that it needs to rot in Hell, in Satan's asshole. Now what I mean by that is I was 12 the first time I saw the movie, in the theaters in 1993, and I was such a big Turtle fan, I just accepted it. I just held the truth inside. And, you know it's just been tearin' away at me all these years. And now, lookin' back at it, I just gotta come clean and honest, man. I just gotta let it all out. THIS MOVIE... is '''FUCKIN' TERRIBLE!''' ''(punches the tape)''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': &quot;Why was there no subtitle in the movie?&quot; They subtitled the last movie. Well, I have an answer. Look under that title. You see that blank, empty space? Let that be an indication of the blank, empty imagination employ within and the void it left in our hearts.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(criticizing the inferior animatronics)'' Is this movie made for little kids? Well, I guess it is, so the joke's on me. The worst of all is Splinter. He looks like fuckin' roadkill! And I guess they never finished him because you only see his upper body. He's like a puppet that should be used on Sesame Street. Even worse is his voice!
:'''Splinter''': Have patience, my son.
:'''AVGN''': What an assload of fuck! Well, everything sucks.

=== [[w:Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III Part Two]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''[on Walker's death scene]'' Now, I gotta pause this because I gotta ask, how many times have you seen this shot in a movie? Way too fuckin' much. It was one of the biggest clichés of the time. What happened at the end of Batman? The Joker falls, same shot. What happens at the end of Dick Tracy? Big Boy falls, same thing. But Turtles III takes this cliché to a whole new level. I mean, a whole new level. Watch what happens when Walker hits the water.
:''[Walker screams while he falls to his death, and the water splashes]''
:'''The Nerd''': Did you see that? Here it goes again.
:''[The scene is repeated]''
:'''The Nerd''': There's no splash. Instead, he disappears. But he doesn't disappear. He like, implodes into himself. I'm really stunned, like why'd they do this? They couldn't do a special effect for a splash? But, what they could do is make him implode. Now, if you couldn't make a splash, why couldn't you just cut away, and then, just leave the sound of the splash? That would've actually been more effective. I can re-edit it right now. Watch.
:''[Walker screams while he falls to his death, and the scene cuts to the Turtles with the sound of the splash intact]''
:'''The Nerd:''' See? That's all they had to do, so why make the weird imploding effect? What were they thinking?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Cowabunga. Cowa-fuckin'-piece-of-dog-fuck! I'd rather watch fuck oozing out of a buffalo's fuckhole. I'd rather fucking puke diarrhea up my dick. It fucking sucks so much fucking suck, it fucks. It fucking sucks so much cocksucker motherfucker bullfuck that...well, something must be done.
:''[The Nerd takes the movie, looks at it, then sets on floor before taking out a katana. He braces it, aims it, then splits the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III VHS tape in two. Then he switches to a hammer.]''
:'''The Nerd''':  IT'S HAMMER TIME!
:''[He smashes the video until all of it is smashed to bits, and he sighs angrily. The camera pans to see the destruction of the VHS copy of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III, accompanied by the level complete music from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for the NES, before the scene fades to black.]''

=== [[w:Atari 5200|Atari 5200]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Look at how huge this beast is, it's ginormous! And why is there a door on it? Is this a video game console, or a fucking closet? Even the AC Adapter weighs a million tons.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': What's the most important aspect about any fucking game? Well, being able to fucking play it. And what do you need to fucking play it? A fucking controller! So what do you do when the controller doesn't work? You're fucked! This is the reason the system failed. ''This.'' In the name of God, Heaven and Hell; everything in between, every creature on Earth; by the far reaches of the Galaxy; by the inner rings on the Universe and... every Megaverse and the Ultraverse, let it be known. Let the word be known. This controller... is ''fuckin' horrible''!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Then there's all these numeric buttons. Like, what the shit is this? Is this thing a phone? Like, what is all this for? Is it, like, talking to intergalactic space aliens, flying fuckernauts or astrobastards?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''[unable to play the Atari 5200 due to defective controllers]''  As for the 5200, there's third party controllers made for replacing the shitty controller that the system came with. So let's take a trip into the cyber world known as the internet and take a look. ''[Goes to his computer and the Ebay website. Finds a listing that says &quot;ATARI 5200 CONTROLLER - Works fucking better!&quot;]''

=== [[w:Ghostbusters (video game)|Ghostbusters]]===
:'''The Nerd:''' So, I just wanted to take you back to the '80s, when ''Ghostbusters'' and Nintendo were the best things in the world. Now, the Nintendo Entertainment System, I believe needs no introduction. So, when we heard that a ''Ghostbusters'' '''game''' for Nintendo was coming out, we were so excited we shit our pants. Literally, ''shit'' came out our asses and we rocketed through the roof! It was two of our favorite things comin' together, should have been like bread and butter. But more like dead skunk and dog shit! ''(He inserts the cartridge into the NES.)'' You pop this piece of crap in, expecting ''Ghostbusters,'' and whaddya get? Well, ''Ghostbusters''. Got the logo there, looks promising enough. But are you willing to bet that it's gonna get really bad once you start playin'? Yeah, well, guess what? It gets bad as soon as you press the Start button. ''(The Nerd presses the Start button) '' ''(an extremely low-bit &quot;GHOSTBUSTERS!&quot; sound can be heard on the TV)'' The fuck was that?! ''(the low-bit &quot;GHOSTBUSTERS!&quot; repeats)'' &quot;Gowsht Bushterrrsh!&quot; ''(the low-bit &quot;GHOSTBUSTERS!&quot; repeats again)'' Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not tryna to criticize the game for its lack of voice clarity, but ya hear how bad this sounds? Let this set the tone for the rest of the game.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(Game starts)'' So, here's the main screen. This is it. This is ''Ghostbusters'' on Nintendo. This is my wasted childhood you're lookin' at. I don't even need to comment. Just look at it, it's shits for the birds! Okay, we gotta come up with a game about ''Ghostbusters'', what can we do? How about just have the ''Ghostbusters'' logo floatin' around playin' tag with cute, little yellow ghosts? So if you like ''Ghostbusters'', it's right up your alley. More like up your ASS!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Does there exist any store that sells... a ghost vacuum? Let's find out. ''(The Nerd turns on his cellphone and punches in a phone number)''
:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;Hi, do you sell vacuums?&quot;
:'''Manager:''' &quot;Uh, yes.&quot;
:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;Um, yeah, uh, I'm lookin' for a special kinda vacuum. It's like, shaped like a funnel, sorta.&quot;
:'''Manager:''' &quot;Hmm, what kind of vacuum?&quot;
:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;It's like, shaped like a funnel, like you put it on the roof of your car.&quot;
:'''Manager:''' &quot;You want a vacuum to clean your car?&quot;
:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;No, you put it '''on''' the top of your car... like while you're drivin'...?&quot;
:'''Manager:''' &quot;To, t-,t-, you want a vacuum to clean?&quot;
:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;No, y'know, these vacuums are for catchin' ghosts...&quot; ''(The Nerd struggles to contain laughter)''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Oh please, Game Genie, grant me three wishes!

=== [[w:Ghostbusters video games|Ghostbusters Followup]] ===

:'''The Nerd''': ''[when he talks about the ending of Ghostbusters on NES]'' Well, first of all, &quot;'''Conglaturation !!!'''&quot; is spelled wrong, but it's not even a simple typo. Two letters in two different places are wrong which probably means they really didn't know how to spell it. So that's 20 points off for that just because it's such an atrocious misspelling. But then why isn't it plural? You don't usually say &quot;Congratulation.&quot;, you say &quot;Congratulation''s''&quot;. So technically it's got nothing to do with the spelling, it's a different error altogether. So that's another ten points for that. Then, &quot;'''You have completed a great game.'''&quot;!? Well that's just simply wrong, 20 points for that statement. Even if it was a great game, it shouldn't have to announce it. So then you have a punctuation error, because the next sentence begins with &quot;'''And'''&quot;. Then you got an extra O in &quot;'''prooved'''&quot;. And proved what? &quot;'''prooved the justice of our culture.'''&quot;? So it's saying that you proved that our culture has justice? I don't know. &quot;'''Now go and rest our heroes !'''&quot; Instead of &quot;Now go and rest, comma, our heroes&quot;, it's telling you to go rest our heroes. Okay, well, sorry to say but we had to take off 90 points. But hey, a score of 10% means that there's still hope. But wait, is there any reason that there's one exclamation mark here (at Heroes !) and then there's three up there (after Conglaturation !!!)? That's another 10 points off for lack of consistency with a total score of zero. F-minus. It should have said...

:'''Congratulations!'''
:'''You had the patience to sit through this awful game.'''
:'''You proved your nerdiness.'''
:'''Now go fuck yourself!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''The Nerd''': ''(reviewing ''Ghostbusters'' on the Sega Master System, commenting on how the controllable logo leaves black dots on the streets it crosses)'' I don't exactly understand the idea of dropping poop everywhere you go. Thought the Ghostbusters are in a car, not a horse and buggy.

=== [[w:Ghostbusters video games|Ghostbusters Conclusion]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''[Playing [[w:Ghostbusters II (NES)|''Ghostbusters 2'']] for [[w:Nintendo Entertainment System|NES]], commenting on its level setup]'' And that's what I'm fuckin' talking about. ''Ghostbusters'' should be nothing more complicated than just running around, zapping ghosts! So it's a huge, '''''huge''''' improvement over the first game. But that's not saying much. It still sucks monkey fuck and pukes diarrhea up your fucking asshole. And that's interesting, because the movie [[w:Ghostbusters II|''Ghostbusters II'']] is definitely inferior to the first one. So, I guess the formula works like this: A good movie equals... a shitty, fuckin' game. ''But,'' ''[throws game to ground]'' a ''not''-so-good movie equals a game... that's not ''as'' shitty.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' It's also stupid that A shoots slime, and B jumps. Usually, it's the other way around. As for Start and Select, they don't do donkey dick. Usually Start is &quot;Pause&quot;, but here, there's no fuckin' way to pause the damn game. ''[throws controller to the floor]''
:'''The Nerd''': I mean, if you've gotta go answer the phone, or take a shit, it's like, tough shit if you gotta take a shit! You gotta take a quick shit! You gotta have turbo turds! I'm trying to play the game, I got shit stains in my pants, and an answering message on my phone that says, &quot;Sorry. I'm playing ''Ghostbusters 2'' on Nintendo.&quot; What a selfish game. BOTTOM LINE, HAVE A FUCKIN' PAUSE BUTTON! GODDAMMIT! ''[throws an Ecto-1 toy to the ground]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[reviewing ''Ghostbusters'' on [[w:Sega Genesis|Sega Genesis]]]'' I like this? I can't believe what I'm saying.
:'''The Nerd''': I think the world is coming to an end. Seriously, like [[Ghostbusters|fire and brimstone coming down from the skies. Rivers and seas boiling! 40 years of darkness! Earthquakes! Volcanoes! The dead rising from their graves! Human sacrifice, dogs and cats livin' together, mass hysteria!]] But don't worry, I'll find something about it that sucks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' Guess what the toughest enemies in the game are? Coffee cups. You'd think they'd shatter after just one hit, but no. They take forever to break. I don't get it. Lots of the enemies are just annihilated after just one hit, but not those. Don't fuck with the coffee cups.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' The boss battles are cool, although sometimes really random, like this blue guy that comes apart. Come on, die! Alright-- Oh, he's still got a head! Yeah! You got the crystal monkey man, the evil snowman, the fire dragon, the flame guy, the face that emerges from the wall, the woman who multiplies into three; gotta shoot the real one. Then there's the Grim Reaper who looks like Dracula from [[w:Castlevania II: Simon's Quest|''Castlevania II,'']] then there's the plant which reminds me of [[w:The Little Shop of Horrors|''Little Shop of Horrors,'']] which is an interesting connection because [[w:Rick Moranis|Rick Moranis]] starred in [[w:Little Shop of Horrors (film)|the remake]], and he was Louis in ''Ghostbusters.'' Then you got Stay Puft who relentlessly attacks you during the stage, but then at the end, you finally get to punish him for all the shit he put you through. Die! Die! Get him, get him, get him, get him, get him, get him! Yeah! He's dead as shit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' In a sea of terrible ''Ghostbusters'' games, this one ''[Ghostbusters for Sega Genesis]'' stands out, and it's still fun to play. If you can somehow get your hands on it, I'd check it out.
:'''The Nerd''': So, this concludes my 3-part review of all the ''Ghostbusters'' games that I can get my hands on. Is it kinda ironic that I end on one that's actually kinda decent? I don't know. I mean, is it anymore ironic that [[w:Lorenzo Music|the same guy who did the voice for Garfield]] did the voice for Peter Venkman in the ''Ghostbusters'' cartoon? Well, Bill Murray was a live-action Peter Venkman, and he also did the voice of Garfield in [[w:Garfield: The Movie|the movie]].
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' And one more thing: ''[[w:Ghostbusters: Afterlife|Ghostbusters 3]]''. Is it ''really'' gonna happen? ''Should'' it happen? Well, if they made ''The Santa Clause 3,'' ''Free Willy 3,'' ''Home Alone 3,'' ''Psycho 3,'' ''The Neverending Story 3,'' ''Problem Child 3,'' and about ten thousand ''Scary Movie'' and ''American Pie'' sequels, all the crap that gets shat out of Hollywood's big fat fuckin' ass, I don't see why ''Ghostbusters 3'' shouldn't get made. I grew up with those movies. I would love to see those guys put on the proton packs one more time. Even if the whole movie's just the Ghostbusters sittin' around takin' a shit, I'd go see it.

=== [[w:Spider-Man video games|Spider-Man]] ===

:'''Kyle Justin as Spider-Man:''' ''(on ''Spider-Man'' on Atari 2600)'' '''THIS GAME SUCKS MY SPIDER-BALLS!''' IT'S HORRIBLE!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(on ''Spider-Man: Return of the Sinister Six'')'' The game's ''Spider-Man: Return of the Sinister Shit''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Spider-Man:''' ''(hitting himself with the Game Boy in frustration)'' What the fuck is wrong with these game designers?! They don't know what the fuck they're doing! I can't believe they did this to me! They made a game out of me and it's fuckin' shit!! IT'S HORRIBLE! ''(throws the Game Boy to the ground)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Spider-Man:''' ''(while AVGN jokes about the pizza-delivering objectives early in ''Spider-Man 2'' on Game Boy Advance)'' I'm a super hero. I shouldn't be known as a pizza delivery man.
:'''AVGN''': I wish Spider-Man would deliver my pizzas every day.
:'''Spider-Man:''' ''(raises middle finger to AVGN)'' I'm gonna fucking shove a pizza up your fuckin' ass!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Kyle Justin:''' (singing to the tune of the Spider-Man theme song)
:''Spider-Man, Spider-Man''
:''Takes a dump in a coffee can''
:''Plays some games with a grudge''
:''Gonna shit out some anal fudge''
:''Look out, here comes some shitty games''
:''Alcohol is his power source''
:''Takes a piss like a drunken horse''
:''Climbs a wall, then he falls''
:''This game sucks his spider-balls''
:''Oh no, he's playing the shitty games''
:''When he plays his games''
:''He feels so ashamed''
:''He shoots web from his wrist''
:''But now Spider-Man's fucking pissed''

=== [[w:Sega CD|Sega CD]] ===

:'''The Nerd''':  Wow. It's like you get to play the games on a CD! Check out the graphics! Full motion video, opposed to video that ''isn't'' full motion! 64 simultaneous colors! 12.5 MHz processor! '''''Holy shit!''''' This thing is total '''''FUCKIN' GAR-BITCH!''''' How would you like it if I conduct the rest of the video like this? ''(screen becomes smaller and the video choppier, like the Sega CD's &quot;FMV.&quot;)'' &quot;Full motion video&quot;, my fuck! I'd rather be full fuckin' screen!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So you put the fuckin' game in, and oh, guess what? It runs off of its own power adapter. Yeah, that's two. One for the Genesis and one for the Sega CD. If it can't run off the same power, why couldn't it just be its own independent system? Instead it's like a fuckin' parasite or somethin'. Then there's this problem: the load time. Load of fuck! You could go dump your fuck in the fucking time it takes. So if you're gonna play the Sega CD, grab a fucking beer and be patient.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[[w:The Adventures of Willy Beamish|Willy Beamish]]''. The teacher talks to you, and you come up with answers. Should I say, &quot;Oh, that was my frog, Horny.&quot;? The frog's name is &quot;Horny&quot;?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd: '''Now we got ''Sol-Feace''. More like ''Sol-Feces''! Well, holy shit, I gotta be honest. It reminds me of ''R-Type'' or ''LifeForce'', and that's pretty cool, so all I gotta say is, this one's not bad.

=== [[w:Sega 32X|Sega 32X]] ===

:'''The Nerd''': The Sega CD had its place in history. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's a piece of shit. But it had a certain appeal. The 32X is the real deal. It sucks. Oh God, it sucks. You plop it on the top of the Genesis, like they're mating. God, I mean, do you think that's enough add-ons? It doesn't even look aesthetically presentable. I mean, it's just like an ugly tumor. I mean, did they really need all this bullshit leeching on the Genesis? That poor Genesis is just thinking: &quot;Oh, please, God, take this shit off me.&quot; It's like getting gang-raped. Both of its slots are getting ''fucked'' at the same time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''(plugging in the power adapters for the game consoles)'' Here goes the Genesis, the Sega CD, and... bullshit. What a load of fucking bullshit. How did they fuck this up so bad? I can't even turn it the other way because it doesn't fit. Why can I only plug in two power adapters? Why can't these go sideways? Or, better yet, why the Hell do they have these box things? Why can't it just be like this? ''(ends in a thin plug)'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''(playing [[w:Primal Rage|Primal Rage]] with only the background visible)'' Great title screen, huh? There isn't even any title at all. ''(cuts to the character select menu, where once again no characters are visible)'' What is this? Wh-wait a minute. Oh, please, God, tell me what's going on. Why can't I see the characters? I'm playing ''Invisible Primal Rage''! Alright, let's try [[w:Virtua Fighter (video game)|Virtua Fighter]]. ''(the characters aren't visible here either)'' What the FUCK?! Guess what, we left something out.  There's another cable which connects the Genesis to the 32X. Isn't it enough that the damn thing is inserted on to the ''top'' of the Genesis? Why does it need another connector? 'Look at this. It's a fuckin' mess. And what a perfect visual analogy. Sega invented the 32X to increase the lifespan of the Genesis, and that's exactly what the friggin' thing looks like. It's on life support.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': And just to celebrate their failure, or just for shits and giggles, they released a few '''CD-32X''' games, which required both the 32X ''and'' the Sega CD. So, if you happened to own ''this'' pile of vomit and ''this'' piece of shit'','' you can mix the two together.

=== [[w:Silver Surfer (video game)|Silver Surfer]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' Alright, this is ''Silver Surfer''. Silver Shit! ''(inserts game into NES and turns it on)'' He looks so ''stupid!'' I mean, what the hell's wrong with him? He's just like... like... ''(The Nerd tries to imitate Silver Surfer's pose.)''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' What'd I say before? This game's not bad? Well, no. It isn't bad. '''''It's FUCKIN' HORRIBLE!''''' And I ''dare'' you to play it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' I can't take it anymore. ''(Drinks some Yuengling)'' You know... there's really no point of going on. It's not like there's a reward, like there's a pot of gold sittin' on top of the TV. You know if you beat the game, it probably just says &quot;The End&quot;, and that's it. So to keep playing it, you gotta be a fuckin' nerd.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' I mean this game just pukes snot up my ass. It's like you touch the top of the building, you die, you touch the ceiling, you die, you touch the floor, you die, too far to the right, you die, too far to the left, you die, you die, you die, you die, die, ''die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die,'' '''DIE!''' ''(lies on the floor, holds his eyes in anger, and mimics the game over screen) (upset voice)'' Oh, God, I can't fuckin' stand it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' This game is so hard, it would actually be easier to go outside in a thunderstorm and try to dodge rain. It would be easier to walk barefoot, without your toes or heels touching the floor. It'd be easier to pick fly shit out of pepper... while wearing boxing gloves! The fact you can get hit only once, pretty much means that you're weaker than every other enemy in the game. HOW DO YOU DIE FROM JUST TOUCHING A WALL?! I can understand if he's flying at like 200 miles per hour and he ''crashes'' into the wall, but the fact that he just ''touches'' the wall and dies is just ridiculous. I never read any of the comics, so I don't know what Silver Surfer's powers are, but isn't he supposed to be pretty strong? So why'd they make him into a wimp?! Why is he fuckin' up rubber ducks and weepin' like a crybaby? It's like some sort of fuckin' joke! Like what if they had Bruce Lee tripping over his own shoelaces? It's a fuckin' insult! This game should've been classic! But instead, it's worthless! It's as worthless as this fuckin' LJN poster I have back here! Man, I would just piss and shit all over this fuckin' game! In fact, JUST THINKING ABOUT IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE HAVIN' AN ANAL EVACUATION! ''(Swigs some Yuengling)'' Fuck...! ''(Gets up, takes game out, and then throws it against the wall)''

=== [[w:Die Hard (video game)|Die Hard]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': Somewhere up here, there's a rope which, I don't know if it's important or not. You blow up this gym locker or whatever it is and he says, &quot;'''I'd have to be desperate to tie that on and jump off! No, thanks!'''&quot; Are you kidding me? Have you ever had a video game character talk back to you and say, &quot;No, I'm not gonna do that!&quot;? Going back to ''Mario'' again, what if Mario just said &quot;You know, I'm really not feeling up to jumping over that platform. No, thanks!&quot;? This is ridiculous. I mean, he won't climb down with a rope, but he'll jump out a window and fucking kill himself?!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So, I'm taking the stairs down, now I found some blueprint of the 5th floor. Whoa! Now we're talking about the 5th floor? &quot;Take out the main computer&quot;? I'm getting confused. So, I'm going around, trying to kill people, and Officer Carl Winslow keeps talking to me. So, I'm just walking around, waiting for whatever random stuff to happen, then the police car blows up! I'm like, &quot;What does this have to do with anything?&quot; But then Steve Urkel comes on! I'm like, &quot;What the fuck!?&quot;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': There's guys around every corner, there's guys coming out of the elevator, there's guys coming out of your ass, it's crazy!

=== [[w:Independence Day (video game)|Independence Day]] ===

:'''AVGN''': '''Oh God...''' '''Oh ''God!''''' Let me ask a question: what do you get when you take a movie, that's ASS, and you make it into a game? You get a pieceashit! Now, if you get a piece of ass, that's... a good thing. But if you get a pieceaSHIT, you don't want that! And this of course, is ''[[w:Independence Day (video game)|Independence Day]]'' for the [[w:PlayStation (console)|Playstation]]. I don't even wanna talk about this. It's makin' me sick. MAKIN' ME '''''SICK!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I think it's a graphic flaw. Nothing appears until it's right up in your fuckin' face! What the '''ASS''' is that all about? To describe this game's assness, all I can say is, it's ''very'' ass.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The radar doesn't do diddly dick! It's too small, it makes no fuckin' sense, and...I don't like it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The worst thing about this is that it makes me feel really guilty to be playing it! Like I should be doing something better with my time—like rolling dog turds in cement! Like, I gotta get away from this game! I gotta get out of this room! I gotta go out somewhere &amp; do something wild—like get a tattoo on my face of a goat holding up a baby snorting cocaine off its penis!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': You know, I played a lotta fuck in my day, but this game is... ''FUCK.'' The lack of music, the droning effect it has, it reminds me of somethin' very similar. Something from the past. ''Top Gun'' on the NES. ''[Top Gun music and screenshots from game accompany The Nerd's speech.]'' While I hated it and it drove me insane, I would rather play this than ''Independence Day''. In fact, just thinkin' about it is like a breath of fresh air. Makes me feel like a shitty log comin' out of a buffalo's ass and landin' in a bowl of M&amp;Ms.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Now, as always, I don't care if you agree with my opinions on games, but what I do care, you enjoy the video, you have a great 4th of July, drink some beers, but be safe, and most important - celebrate ''your'' independence ''not'' to play ''shitty fuckin' games.''

=== [[w:list of The Simpsons video games|The Simpsons]] ===
:'''AVGN''': Bringing back the horrible memories of these games can best be described like this: Imagine if you trapped a wet, smelly piece of dog shit inside an airtight container. Then, like twenty years later, you open that shit up, you take a good smell, and there you go. Welcome back.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(playing ''Bart vs. the Space Mutants'')'' It's strangely satisfying to jump on those aliens' heads. After all, don't you wish you could just go around killing aliens? Not making purple things not purple? Why not just fucking shit all over 'em and make everything brown?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I just wanted to point out that for a game titled &quot;''Bart vs. the World''&quot;, there really isn't a lot of &quot;the world&quot; in the game. No shit, right? Just Egypt, China, the North Pole, and Hollywood? Pretty fucking educational, right? When I was eleven years old, my whole world was video games, just locked in my room playing ''Bart vs. the Space Mutants'' and all this crap. And I wasted all my time on this shit! I want it back! It ruined my life! ''(drinks beer)'' Bart's my ass and Krusty's my balls! Fuck this shit. Now I'm gonna eat my own shorts. ''(the Nerd puts his beer down, rips out his boxers with his teeth, and devours it in a ravenous manner)''

=== [[w:The Bugs Bunny Birthday Blowout|The Bugs Bunny Birthday Blowout]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''(sarcastically)'' Wow, how awesome could ''this'' be? ''Bugs Bunny's Birthday Blowout.'' Well, it was a blowout, alright. Blowout your FUCK!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Yeah, this game's really a no-brainer. ''[drinks beer]''
:''[Bugs Bunny appears in Nerd's room]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[spits out beer]'' '''''OH MY GOD! IT'S BUGS BUNNY!'''''
:'''Bugs Bunny''':  Nyah... ''[eats carrot]'' What’s up, Doc?
:'''The Nerd''': ''[walks up to Bugs]'' I can't believe it! In my own house! Bugs Bunny! '''''BUGS FUCKIN' BUNNY!''''' ''[punches Bugs in the stomach and in the face]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': This game is garbage!
:'''Bugs Bunny''': Nyaaaah-
:'''The Nerd''': ''[grabs Bugs by the ears and pounds his head on the floor; the commas that follow mark the head pounding]'' '''''I'D RATHER PUT MY BALLS IN A CROCODILE'S MOUTH, WHILE SHOVING MY HEAD UP A UNICORN'S ASSHOLE!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Bugs Bunny:''' Nyah, what's up, fuck-cock vagina fuck-fuck?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Bugs Bunny:''' Nyah, ain't I a fockin' stinker, motherfucker?!
:'''The Nerd''': Ain't you a godfuckingdamn fockin' pieceashit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[after finding out Bugs' friends were pulling pranks on him]'' I'LL SHOW ''YOU'' SOME FUNNY TRICKS! ''[headbutts Bugs and starts punching him]''
:'''Bugs''': ''[while being pummeled]'' Nyyyyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaah, what's up, '''''COCK?!'''''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[kicks him in the face]'' I'll show you what's up, you fuckin' bunny piece of fuck!

&lt;hr width= &quot;50%&gt;

:'''The Nerd''': ''[While punching Bugs Bunny]'' '''BUGS BUNNY'S BIRTHDAY BLOWOUT? WELL HOW BOUT' BUGS BUNNY'S BIRTHDAY BEATING!''' 
:'''The Nerd''': ''[after pummeling Bugs to the ground]'' Ya wanna Shoruyken?!! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': You want some shit? ''[drops his pants]'' '''''BOMBS AWAY, BUGS BITCH!''''' ''[diarrhea falls through a fake fuck]''
:'''Bugs''': Nyyyyaaah, ''[diarrhea pours onto his face]'' '''''oh shit! OH SHIT!''''' Nyah!
:'''The Nerd''': Ugh, man! ''[takes off fake ass]'' Don't worry, folks. It's not real. ''[Merrie Melodies spoof theme starts playing and Bugs is shown in distress]'' ''[while giving middle finger]'' '''Fuck you, Bugs Bunny!''' ''[gives middle finger through fake fuckhole]'' '''''FUCK YOU, BUGS BUNNY!''''' ''[tosses fake ass]'' There you go. Got your ass handed to you. ''[iris out, then cut to a drum, which the Nerd pops out of in a similar fashion to Porky Pig]'' Ah-duh, ah-duh, duh, that's all, fucks! ''[raises middle finger]''

=== Atari Porn ===

:'''​The Nerd:''' (''playing'' Custer's Revenge) All ya do, is bang the chick, dodge the spears. Bang the chick, dodge the spears. Y'know, ya gotta give this guy credit; he's under attack and he still has the nerve to go over and screw this woman against a cactus. I ''think'' it's a cactus; with Atari, ya really can't tell. You know what bothers me? The spears don't even come down all the way; they like disappear, so it doesn't even make sense when they hit you. But over-analyzin' this game isn't even worth it. It's nothing more than a joke, it stirred up a lot of outrage when it came out in 1982, Native Americans were offended, women activists were offended, parents were offended if their kids got a hold of this, and ''I'' am offended, because this game's a fuckin' pieceashit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''​The Nerd:''' (''playing'' Beat 'Em &amp; Eat 'Em) Y'know, there's ''really'' somethin' wrong with this whole scene. You gotta be a total fuckin' whore to stand naked at the bottom of a building with your mouth wide open to catch jizz from some guy jerkin' off on top of a roof! What kinda sick bitches are these?! And what's the deal with this guy? Either he has a ''huge dick'', or he's a ''dwarf!'' I mean what the fuck kinda game is this?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''​The Nerd:''' Well, what can ya say? Atari and porn. Witches, door-to-door prostitutes, rooftop beaters, cowboy rapists... what more can ya ask for? Remember the commercials? &quot;Have you played Atari today?&quot; Well fuck yeah, I did! But you don't wanna know what I was playin'.

=== [[w:Nintendo Power|Nintendo Power]] ===

:'''AVGN''': It's time to chill out. Nah, don't worry. I'm not goin' mellow on you or anything like that. And, next time, it's gonna be a game review again. But for now, I just want to take you back to one of the most important parts of my childhood: Nintendo Power. You know, today, there's Internet. Anything you want to know about any game, you just look it up. But, back then, your only source of information was magazines, like Nintendo Power. If you had a subscription, you were the man! One of your friends would be breakin' their balls to beat some game and you'll be like, &quot;Oh, I know how to beat that game.&quot;, or, &quot;I know a code.&quot; That's because you had the power. ''Nintendo'' ''Power, motherfucker!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': One thing that used to piss me off was the NES Achievers section. It's just a buncha nerds showin' off their high scores. But, how do you prove it? You have to take a photo of your screen. And, nobody really knew how to do that. Remember, there were no digital cameras back then, so you take the picture of your screen, you have no fuckin' clue what it looks like. And, there could be, like, 20 other pictures on the roll, so, you either have to, like, waste them all or wait until it gets finished. You get your mom or dad to take it to the store to get the picture developed, it comes back, and what does it look like? It looks like fuckin' shit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': 'Member that shitty movie ''[[w:The Wizard (film)|The Wizard]]''? and that fuckin' dumbass ''[[w:Super Mario Bros. (film)|Super Mario Bros.]]'' movie? Man, I remember readin' about that and being so excited, I couldn't ''wait'' to see that movie! But it was just like waitin' for a buffalo to take a shit all over your face. ''(Raspberry)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': As Nintendo Power progressed, the ads went from being weird to just being fuckin' disgusting. Why the Hell is there a jar of toenail clippings in a video game magazine? What were they ''thinking''!? Now, here's the worst one yet. It's some old creepy bitch holdin' a log of shit. Goddamn. One ad was so gross, I stapled the page shut. I'm actually not joking. Then, this one just shows a hurl bag. Yeah, that's great. That just sums up how I feel about the whole situation. Nintendo Power! Don't open unless you've got a barf bag! ''(looks into Nintendo Power, then pretends to vomit into a bag)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': There's also a contest in every issue. Grand prizes would include a sneak showing of the ''Ninja Turtles'' movie, a chance to meet Arnold Schwarzenegger, to win [[w:Bill &amp; Ted's Excellent Adventure|Bill &amp; Ted]]phone booth, to win a ''[[w:Street Fighter II|Street Fighter II]]'' arcade machine, to dig up dinosaurs, or to be an extra in ''The Mask II. The Mask II? (sarcastically)'' Oh, ''that's'' a great prize! ''(normally)'' That movie never got fuckin' made, unless you count ''[[w:Son of the Mask|Son of Mask]]'', but that wasn't until about 10 years later! And, did they give the winner a rain check for that: to be in a movie with a computer-generated baby or any of the other sequels to Jim Carrey movies that don't have Jim Carrey?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(reading letters)'' &quot;It is quite apparent what an active and important role marketing plays in the video game industry. I have to wonder what you are thinking when marketing the Nintendo 64 to elementary school gamers. You risk alienating gamers 15 and up. You should target older gamers, because you'll also target younger ones, since the younger audience's perception of coolness often depends on what the older, teenage audience thinks is cool.&quot; I agree. And the response? &quot;Your suggestion inspired us to target more teens with our marketing, so tune in to a very special episode of ''Friends'' this week to see-&quot; Okay, here's ''my'' letter. &quot;Dear Nintendo Power editor, what the fuck is your problem?&quot;

=== [[w:Fester's Quest|Fester's Quest]] ===

:'''AVGN''': ''(As Fester)'' You were expecting, uh, maybe uh, the ''Ninja Turtles''? ''(a reference to the Nerd's review of the third ''Ninja Turtles'' movie)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(As Wednesday)'' This game better stop sucking ass, or else I'm gonna have to give it the finger. The middle finger!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(As Gomez)'' I think it's a shitload of fuck!
:'''AVGN''': ''(As Fester)'' Think you'd better shut your ass!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(As Fester)'' That's the last guy. It's over.
:'''AVGN''': ''(As Wednesday)'' That's just the first boss.
:'''AVGN''': ''(As Fester)'' That's the last guy.
:'''AVGN''': ''(As Gomez)'' It's not.
:'''AVGN''': ''(As Fester)'' I know, but let's just say that it is, because that's all I can take.

=== [[w:The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (franchise)|The Texas Chainsaw Massacre]] ===

:'''Opening Crawl''': In 1983, a shitty game based on the Texas Chainsaw Massacre was released for the Atari 2600 by Wizard Video Games. It was a tragic failure and tried to aim for the adult market. Its pixelated violence was enough to get it banned from stores or hidden behind the counter, limiting its sales to obscurity. For them, an ideal hit movie-based game would become a nightmare. But had the game been well known, nobody would have expected nor they would wished to see as much of the mad and macabre doodoo diarrhea bullshit as they were to see in that sucky ass game. Close to 25 years later, it would be discovered by one of the most frustrated gaming geeks on the internet, The Angry Video Game Nerd.

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:''[AVGN comes to a barn where a hillbilly playing a banjo is selling old video games]''
:'''AVGN''': What have you got here?
:'''Hillbilly''': Bunch of shit.
:'''AVGN''': I see. Unfortunately this is kind of my thing. ''(Notices the Texas Chainsaw Massacre Atari 2600 cartridge)'' How much is this one right here?
:'''Hillbilly''': A hundred.
:'''AVGN''': A hundred? As in like a hundred dollars?
:'''Hillbilly''': No, shit-for-brains, a hundred centavos. Of course a hundred dollars! We are living in the US of A, ain't we?
:'''AVGN''': I - I'll take it for 50.
:'''Hillbilly''': ..It's a hundred.
:'''AVGN''': It's a piece of shit. Look at this! Look at this stock label! I mean, do you know what this is supposed to be? Can you tell me what this is?
:'''Hillbilly''': I have no idea what that is. I can tell you what it looks like: It looks like the shit stain in the bottom of my [[w:Undergarment|drawers]] right now!
:'''AVGN''': This is a shit stain on a shitty game! That perfectly just sums it all up.
:'''Hillbilly''': That, there, is a rare video game, Boy.
:'''AVGN''': Unfortunately I'm like - like flies on a piece of shit because I just can't stay away from this stuff.

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:'''AVGN''': So, when the game's over, the screen goes black, like a ''Mortal Kombat'' fatality. And the girl kicks you in the butt. How violent, she kicks you in the rear. Now I can take bodies getting slashed apart with the chainsaw, but a kick in the ass? That's fucking hardcore. Fuck this game. What a piece of shit.

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:'''AVGN''': ''(after being attacked by Chop Top and Leatherface)'' You've gotta believe me, there's this guy coming after me!
:'''Hillbilly''': Hey, hey! Settle down.
:'''AVGN''': I'm not kidding! I'm really not kidding. He's-
:'''Hillbilly''': Calm down, little buddy. Be cool. Be calm. Be collected... hey, what's that over there? ''(knocks the Nerd out with his banjo)'' Batter-up, bitch boy! ''(starts dragging the Nerd away. As he does so, he sings)'' Hey there, motherfuckers... Don't tell me what I should do... 'Cause they be motherfuckers...

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:'''Chop Top''': ''(while the Nerd is being tortured by being forced to play the game)'' How do you like that, Nerd? How do ya like!? How do ya like!? ''(cackles)''
:'''Hillbilly''': Playing that game like he really don't like it? Ain't that a shame. Listen to him whimper like a little girl. HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH hee hee hee! Yeah, boy. ''(the Nerd summons enough rage to free himself from his bindings and make an escape)'' Oh, shit!

=== [[w:Halloween (franchise)|Halloween]] ===
''[the Nerd hears a knock as his door, and sees two kids; one dressed as Optimus Prime and the other dressed as Swamp Thing at his door]''
:'''Optimus Prime &amp; Swamp Thing:''' Trick-or-treat!
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, oh, you want some trick-or-treat? Okay, here's some trick-or-treat for ya! ''[grabs one of the bag and defecates into it. then he hands it back to Optimus Prime &amp; Swamp Thing]''
:'''Optimus Prime &amp; Swamp Thing:''' Ewwwwww!!
:'''The Nerd''': There you go, you little fuckers! There's some chocolate for ya.
:'''Swamp Thing:''' That's not chocolate, that's poop.
:'''The Nerd''': It's not chocolate, nor is it poop. It's ''fuck!''
:'''Optimus Prime''': Hey, you dope! I want some candy!
:'''Swamp Thing''': Yeah, I want some candy!
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, yeah. ''[puts &quot;Halloween&quot; Atari 2600 game back in the box then opens door again.]'' Hey, wait! I got something for you, too! A shitty game! ''[gives it to Optimus Prime]''
:'''Optimus Prime''': What the heck is this?
:'''The Nerd''': It's an Atari game.
:'''Swamp Thing''': What the heck is an Atari, you dope?
:'''The Nerd''': Oh. Oh, you don't know what an Atari is? Oh, okay. Hang on a sec.
:'''Swamp Thing''': First you poo in my bag, then you don't give me any candy. You're a dope.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[gives Atari 2600 to Optimus Prime]'' There you go. Have fun.
:'''Optimus Prime''': Hey, you dope! I want some candy!

=== [[w:Dragon's Lair (Nintendo Entertainment System)|Dragon's Lair]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Did I just die by walking into the fuckin' door!? Yeah. Everything kills you. Literally. Everything.

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:'''AVGN''': The decisions to make in this game are similar to if... say you're standing in a pool full of piss all the way up to your neck. Then somebody comes in with a bucket full of fuck to dump on your head. Do you duck down under the piss? Or do you just stay up and take on the shit? This game is like a cruel joke that you play on your friends. It's like, &quot;Hey, you wanna play a game? Here you go, you fuckers!&quot;

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:'''AVGN''': This game is notorious among gamers as being one of the most frustrating games in existence. At some time or another, it seems everyone takes a shot at it, and after this review, I'm sure many more people will suffer over it, which is unfortunate. But to quote ''[[w:Full Metal Jacket|Full Metal Jacket]]'', &quot;It's just one big shit sandwich and we all gotta take a bite.&quot;

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:'''AVGN''': ''(upon being returned to the first screen after getting a Game Over on the second)'' Man... Man, fuck that shit. Man, you think I'm gonna put myself through that again?! I - GODDAMMIT MAN - ''(imitates shooting off four of his fingers, leaving the middle one extended upward)'' MAN, FUCK this game, man! Man - Jesus Christ, I'd rather fucking 69 a grizzly bear while shoving [[w:King Kong|King Kong]] up my ass! I'd rather fucking stand in the middle of a ring of monkeys as they pelt me to death with their own anal waste!

=== An Angry Nerd Christmas Carol Part One ===

:'''AVGN''': ''(receiving ''[[w:Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (video game)|Home Alone 2]]'' for the NES in a gift-wrapped box)'' Oh gee. Thanks for sending me this crappy game! Coal would've been nice! Or even better, a bag of poop! So thanks!

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:'''AVGN''': So, you start the game trying to escape from this hotel because they found out that you used a stolen credit card. Now you don't wanna fuck with this hotel - they'll get everybody after ya. Not even just the people who work there, but bouncing old ladies with umbrellas, mops - yeah, crazy bloodthirsty mops will try to get ya. Vacuum cleaners? Yeah, those suck you up. 

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:'''AVGN''': Here, get up the ladder! Get up the fucking ladder! There's birds fucking all over me! Get up the fucking ladder! Fuck, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK! ''(yells in anger and takes the game out of his NES)'' Merry Christmas, you filthy animal! YOU MISERABLE FUCKING CUNTING PIECE OF FUCK! ''(hurls the game off-screen and walks up to his game cabinet)'' Fucky games! All my life! Fucky fucking games! I hate fucky fucking games! And I hate fucky fucking Christmas because fucky fucking Christmas means more ''fucky fucking games!'' HUMBUG! BAH! FUCKING HUMBUG IT TO FUCKKKKKKKKK!!!

=== An Angry Nerd Christmas Carol Part Two ===

:'''Stuttering Craig as the Ghost of Christmas Past''': Greetings, Nerd! Forgive this intrusion, for it is I, the Ghost of Christmas Past!
:'''AVGN:''' ''(hits himself on the head)'' I ain't seeing this!
:'''Ghost of Christmas Past''': Why do you doubt your senses, Nerd?
:'''AVGN:''' Because, I wasn't ready to go completely insane tonight.
:'''Ghost of Christmas Past''': But you already have! Drowning in your own misery and torment!
:'''AVGN:''' ''(Extends his middle finger)'' You see this?
:'''Ghost of Christmas Past''': I ''do'' see it.
:'''AVGN:''' ...But you're not looking at it.
:'''Ghost of Christmas Past''': But I ''see'' it.
:'''AVGN:''' ...Look. Ghost. Why do you come to me?
:'''Ghost of Christmas Past''': Well, to take you back to the past!
:'''AVGN:''' To play the fucky games that suck fuck? No thanks.
:'''Ghost of Christmas Past''': This is ''your'' past, Nerd!

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:'''Handsome Tom as the Ghost of Christmas Present''': You remember the excitement?
:'''AVGN:''' Who are you?
:'''Ghost of Christmas Present''': I'm the Ghost of Christmas Present, bitch.
:'''AVGN:''' Well what do you want?
:'''Ghost of Christmas Present''': I just wanted to remind you the fond memories you had of Super Nintendo. You remember ''[[w:Super Metroid|Metroid]]''? ''[[w:The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past|Zelda]]''? ''[[w:Super Mario World|Mario]]''? You only choose to dwell on crap. You know what you're doing right now?
:'''AVGN:''' Talking to you?
:'''Ghost of Christmas Present''': No, this is all out of body. Don't you get it? Right now you're looking back at reviewing one of the worst games on the Super Nintendo. ''(AVGN looks through a nearby door to see himself reviewing a game.)''
:'''Other AVGN''': ''[[w:Shaq Fu|Shaq Fu]]''. Just the name makes people cringe. Like, you don't even wanna go there. You are so full of fuck.

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:'''Other AVGN''': The title doesn't even sound good. ''Shaq Fu''? It's like a joke. I mean just the fact that they can release a ''fighting'' game starring [[w:Shaquille O'Neal|Shaquille O'Neal]] and call it ''Shaq Fu'' pretty much proves that you can put &quot;Fu&quot; at the end of anything. How about &quot;[[w:Robin Williams|Robin Williams]] Fu&quot; or &quot;[[w:U2|U2]]Fu&quot;? I mean, who came up with this shit!? What, were they smoking crack up their fuck!?

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:'''Future AVGN''': You remember the Nintendo Wii? Yeah, that's actually what they called it. But it was very revolutionary when it first came out. But looking at it now, it's like a baby's toy. Now, I got this bullfuck fuck game called ''[[w:Far Cry Vengeance|Far Cry Vengeance]]''. Now you put the word &quot;Vengeance&quot; at the end of anything, and it's sure to suck.

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:'''AVGN''': IT'S CHRISTMAS! WHAT A GLORIOUS CHRISTMAS DAY! ''(goes back to his games cabinet cackling with euphoria)'' Look at all these games! Look at all these games! I think I'm going to play ''[[w:Super Mario World|Super Mario World]]''! Fuck yeah! This game's awesome! In fact, I should just play good games from now on. ''(after a moment, the Nerd's expression turns sour, and he turns off the game and grabs the Virtual Boy)'' Man, fuck that! Let's play some fucky ones!

=== [[w:The Legend Of Zelda|Chronologically Confused 2: The Legend of Zelda Timeline]] ===
:'''AVGN''': [[w:Shigeru Miyamoto|Shigeru Miyamoto]], the man responsible for all these great games did an interview with Nintendo Power sometime before the release of the [[w:The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time|Ocarina of Time]] and this is what he said. &quot;Ocarina of Time is the first story, then the original [[w:The Legend of Zelda (video game)|Legend Of Zelda]], then [[w:Zelda II: The Adventure of Link|Zelda II: The Adventure of Link]] and finally [[w:The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past|A Link to the Past]]. It's not very clear where [[w:The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening|Link's Awakening]] fits in. It could be anytime after Ocarina of Time.&quot; Now whoa, I'm nobody to argue. Don't get me wrong about the man himself, but how is Link to the Past the last? I had a hard time accepting that any game would take place before it, but now it's the last? Then why is it called Link to the Past? If it was meant to be the end, why wouldn't it be called Link to the Future?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': So what right do I have to argue with Miyamoto? I don't. However, I can offer three explanations to why he says Link to the Past goes at the end. 1, He was being interviewed and he was caught on the spot, so it could've been a simple mistake. 2, Link to the Past was once a prequel, but its place in the timeline changed so his quote is somehow correct. 3, it's just a game so who gives a shit?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Now a second Zelda game was for the Nintendo 64 was released, [[w:The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask|Majora's Mask]]. This one was a sequel to Ocarina of Time. But wait, not a sequel to the end where adult Link defeats Ganon, No! It's a sequel to young Link after he got sent back. So now any speculation of Nintendo ever making a sequel to Zelda II is deader than shit. They can't even make a sequel that follows in consecutive order. Instead, they just keep going back and then maybe taking a small step up again and then back again. We have a sequel to the original, a prequel to the original, a sequel to the prequel, a prequel to the prequel, and a sequel of the young Link of the prequel's prequel. WHAT THE FUCK?! At this point, if you want to try to make any sense out of this whole thing then go right ahead, but not me. At this point, I really didn't give a shit.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': What about the games on the Philips CD-I? There was ''Zelda: Wand of Gamelon'', ''Link: The Faces of Evil'', &amp; ''Zelda’s Adventure''. And hey, Princess Zelda actually plays a bigger role in those games. So why don’t you count those? Maybe because they suck diarrhea shit from an asshole fountain.

=== [[w:Rambo (video game)|Rambo]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Fuck. I gotta do ''this'' one now? Well, guess I might as well, 'cuz there's a new ''Rambo'' movie comin' out. Back in the '80s, ''[[w:Rambo|Rambo]]'' was ''the'' shit, but the NES game was just plain fuck. ''(the Nerd puts the game in the NES toploader)'' Well, it's based off ''[[w:Rambo: First Blood Part II|Rambo: First Blood Part II]]'' rather than the [[w:First Blood|first one]]. I guess making a game where you're going around killing cops... ''probably'' wasn't their best interest. 

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:'''AVGN''': When Rambo meets the girl for the second time in the game, you're given an option. Rather than conducting business, you can say: &quot;What do you think of me?&quot; The game doesn't advance until you stop asking it, so what's the point? And how cocky can Rambo be to expect a compliment? She could have said, &quot;What do I think of you? You look like a hairless gorilla and when your mouth is open, you really freak me out.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Why does the fuckin' password have to be so godfuckingdamn long?! Is it really necessary to have both capital and lowercase letters, as well as numbers, question marks and exclamation marks too?! If you're writing this down, you're gonna get confused. S's look like 5's, 0's look like O's, capital and lowercase letters can look identical, and lowercase L's look like 1's and uppercase I's. That's something I have '''''no''''' tolerance for. The password system should be '''''simple, straightforward, and easy to use.''''' As long as you know the password, you should be able to enter it, and '''move on.''' It doesn't need to be a '''''fucking project!''''' Fuckholes!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': But then comes ''[[w:Rambo (2008 film)|Rambo.]]'' How do you follow ''[[w:Rambo III|Rambo III]]'' with just ''Rambo?'' That doesn't even make any sense. It's like you're going backwards. So, now if someone says, &quot;I'm watching ''Rambo,''&quot; it's like, &quot;Oh. Oh, what do you mean? Do you mean ''First Blood?'' Or do you mean ''Rambo: First Blood Part II?'' Or do you mean ''Rambo,'' the 4th movie?&quot; That's what it is, the fourth fuckin' movie! Why couldn't they have just called it ''Rambo IV?'' One, two, three, four!! ''(Pretends to have head explosion, then goes nuts and collapses on the floor while he rips a poster off the wall.)''

== Season Three ==

=== [[w:Virtual Boy|Virtual Boy]] ===
:'''The Nerd''':  Virtual reality seemed like the way of the future. Just the idea feeling like you were in the game was an awesome concept. But instead, it turned out to be the grand mother-load of shit. The first problem was it was marketed as a portable system. Yeah, portable. My ass is portable! You could barely find a comfortable way to play this big, red, ugly piece of shit at home, let alone bring it somewhere. Like, you couldn't play it in a car or something like that. And, come to think of it, you wouldn't want to play this thing in public anyway. You'd look like an asshole!
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:'''The Nerd''': [''playing'' Galactic Pinball] So, in the long run, it just makes you wish you were playing a real pinball machine instead or anything other than this. '''''I feel like I'm taking an eye exam.''''' And speaking of that, my eyes are starting to hurt already. If you play this long enough and go blind, you can really become the [[Tommy (The Who album)|Pinball Wizard]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''':  Well now, we saved the worst for last: It's ''[[w:Waterworld (video game)|Waterworld]]''.  Now, let's just stop for a moment and take this in, okay? ''[Breathes deeply]'' ''Waterworld''... on Virtual Boy. It's like pukin' on a pile of shit!

=== [[w:The Wizard of Oz (video game)|The Wizard of Oz]] ===

:'''The Nerd:''' But now, on with the game. Let's start off with the enemy run-down. We got bloodthirsty bluebirds, frogs, chattering teeth, pink soldiers, some weird-looking dude, flying elephants which are supposed to be monkeys, a blobby blue guy, and killer chairs. Is this ''[[w:The Wizard of Oz (1939 film)|Wizard of Oz]]'' or ''[[w:Pee-wee's Playhouse|Pee-wee's Playhouse]]''? Then, there's all these buzz saws. Kinda violent, don't you think? Everything imaginable wants you dead. Even water faucets coming out of trees. Even the hands of a clock can kill you. ''(holding an analog clock)'' Oh God, there it is! Watch out for the clock! ''(imitates getting attacked by the clock)''

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:'''The Nerd:''' Remember the scene from the movie where Dorothy kicks the shit out of a giant crow wearing a vest?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cowardly Lion:''' With a knuck! And a ruck! And a fuck! And a f-fuck!
:'''The Nerd:''' Hey man, did you just swear?!
:'''Cowardly Lion:''' Uh, ''(laughs)'' yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, fuck you, fuck you, dick, dick, dick! ''(laughs)''
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(resumes explaining the game)'' Now, the only problem with the Lion is that after he dies only once...
:'''Cowardly Lion:''' ''(Gasps)'' Die?
:'''The Nerd:''' ...he never comes back!
:'''Cowardly Lion:''' ''(The Cowardly Lion runs out, but dies in an explosion.)'' Fuck!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' SHIT! Come on!
:'''Cowardly Lion:''' ''(Chuckles)'' ''(He sees the Wicked Witch)'' Oh, is that the Witch? Is that the Witch? She's a bitch, not a witch! (Chortles)
:'''The Nerd:''' Come on, you fuckin' green bitch! Melt like diarrhea in the hot sun!
:'''Cowardly Lion:''' (Chortles) Yeah! Now, Shove her broom right up her ass! Fuck that bitch! Fuck that bitch! Fuck! Wicked Witch of the East, Wicked Witch of the West, Wicked Witch of the fuck, Wicked Witch of my ass! (Chortles and barks)

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:'''The Nerd:''' There's no shitty game like this, I'm serious. Like, it shouldn't have been made. Like, it's almost half as bad as ''Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde''. And I know it's been like 40-something reviews and I'm still talking about ''Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde''. But I'm serious, it's really almost that bad! FUCK THIS GAME, WATCH IT GO! ''(The Nerd throws the game, the same time the Cowardly Lion shits while doing a handstand making the game glued to the ceiling.)'' Daaaaaamn! You just plastered the game on my ceiling with your shit!
:''(The Lion laughs)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Outtake]''
:'''Cowardly Lion:''' Wicked Witch of the East, Wicked Witch of the West, Wicked Witch of my balls, Wicked Witch of the fuck, Wicked Witch of my dick, Wi-- Wicked Witch of the ass. Wi-- Wicked Witch...
:''''The Nerd:''' ''[cracking up]'' Wicked Witch of the ass! ''[Laughs]''

=== Double Vision Part One ===

:'''The Nerd:''' The [[w:Intellivision|Intellivision]] came from [[w:Mattel|Mattel Electronics]]. Now, you know what else they made? The Power Glove. Now, that's a bad sign right there. But, it was a great game system for its time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' The games barely fit in the cartridge slot. It's like trying to stick your dick in a Cheerio.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Okay, we gotta move on, but let me introduce the [[w:Intellivoice|Intellivoice Voice Synthesis Module]]. What the fuck is that? Well, it makes your games talk. Yeah. Now, at the time, the idea having voices in video games was a new thing. But unfortunately, only a few games were compatible, like ''[[w:B-17 Bomber (video game)|B-17 Bomber]].''
:'''Electronic Voice:''' Mattel Electronics presents: ''(hillbilly voice)'' ''B-17 Bomber.''
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(mimics the voice)'' '''''B-17 BOMBER!'''''
:'''Electronic Hillbilly Voice:''' ''B-17 Bomber!''
:'''The Nerd:''' Alright, fuck the game. Let's try ''Bomb Squad.''
:'''Electronic Voice:''' Mattel Electronics presents: ''Bomb Squad.'' ''(Alarm buzzes)'' They'll never do it in time! The code! The code! Figure out the code!
:'''The Nerd:''' '''''What?''''' Guess I gotta defuse the bomb.
:'''Electronic Voice:''' It won't be easy! Replace this third, this fourth, this second, this first!
:'''The Nerd:''' '''''Oh, shit!''''' '''''OH, SHIT! OH, GOD! '''(Exploding)''

=== Double Vision Part Two ===

:'''The Nerd:''' ''(Also sprach Zarathustra from ''2001: A Space Odyssey'' plays in the background)'' What's that? A metamorphic stone rising from the blackness and negative Earth, a towering behemoth of monstrosity brought down by extraterrestrial powers, or a giant monolith of death, Hell-bent on the annihilation of humankind, time, and all matter? No. It's the AC adapter for a [[w:Colecovision|Colecovision]]''(The Nerd &quot;struggles&quot; to pick it up.)'' '''WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY THINKING?!''' IS THIS NECESSARY?! Look! I can't fit this Godforsaken piece of shit in the electrical outlet, unless there's nothing next to it! What a fucking hog! That's what it is; a self-indulgent glutton of a power hog.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' [Campaign '84] &quot;'''You were seen putting your shoes on before you put on your pants.'''&quot; Okay, well who the hell was watching me get dressed!? If I wanna put my shoes on first, that's my own goddamn business!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' But before I end it, let's take a look at the ColecoVision Expansion Module. Yeah, what gaming system is complete without some kind of peripheral? You plug it in, and now you can play Atari 2600 games. That's right, I'm playing Atari on ColecoVision, its competitor. Okay, that would ''never'' happen today. That's like if Sony said, &quot;Okay, we're gonna come out with this new expansion module for the [[w:Playstation 3|Playstation 3]]. You're gonna be able to play [[w:X-Box|X-Box]] games on it.&quot; ''There would be lawsuits up the ass!''

=== [[w:The Wizard (film)|The Wizard]] and [[w: Super Mario Bros. 3|Super Mario Bros. 3]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' Especially when you get to the last world, it can get real challenging. This part doesn't fuck around. It's like, &quot;you got to the end, you dare to play, welcome to Hell.&quot; That's what it looks like, all this fire and skulls, it looks like Hell! There's sorta like a heart shape around it. Yeah, a heart around Hell. Does that mean that this game loves Hell? This game worships the Devil! Oh, my God, of course it does! Why is there so many inverted crosses? What's the H stand for? Hell?? How about the part with the Tarot cards? The &quot;N&quot;? Necronomicon?? The &quot;P&quot; must be Possession. Or maybe Pentagram. Well, of course, the pentagram makes an appearance everywhere. It's no doubt that the seven sons of Bowser represent the Seven Deadly Sins. You kneel before Satan on the block, and after 6 seconds, you fall through. There's 6 arrows on the possession meter, and to reach the goal, you go to the 6th door. That's 666. Everywhere you look, it's the Number of the Beast. In ''The Wizard'', the game's introduction is basically the gates of Hell opening.
'''Video Armageddon Host:''' Come up here, my little beauties!!
'''Crowd:''' 6! 6! 6!
:'''The Nerd:''' Yeah, &quot;Video Armageddon!&quot; The Devil watches you through the whole game. The clouds have eyes, the hills have eyes. Heh, literally, &quot;the hills have eyes.&quot; Thanks Heaven, and we know that there's no need to thank Heaven unless there's the presence of ​Hell. There's 8 worlds. In the eighth world, there's 5 spaces you can stand on where giant hands drag you down to your doom. There's 12 tanks you gotta jump on before the goal, and it takes me 12 jumps to get Bowser to fall down the hole. The 8th letter of the alphabet is H, 5 equals E, 12 equals L, what's that spell? HELL! And what's it sound like when you play the game backwards? (footage is reversed; profanity-laced subliminal message plays) This game's a product of the fucking devil. And none of the other Mario games were like this, so I don't know why it's only this one. But in conclusion, all I can say is that, other than being the total epitome of evil, ''Super Mario Bros. 3'', it's a good game. So good, it's a ''sin''.

=== [[w:List of Nintendo Entertainment System accessories|NES Accessories]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''[Reviewing the [[w:Miracle Piano|Miracle Piano]]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt;'' Other than having standard lessons, you also get a robot game. Play the song right or the robot dies! Then there's a duck game You gotta shoot the ducks. Oh, come on! ''[begins tapping keys rapidly]'' Yeah, I'm shooting ducks with a piano!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[reviewing the Power Pad and playing ''World Class Track Meet'' with it]'' It was meant to be a family game, but most kids I knew played it alone in their room. And that meant that if your room was upstairs, your parents would hear like all this thumping and shit. They hated it. Cats and dogs would piss and shit on it. In fact, just thinking about it... makes me feel like having an anal evacuation.

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:'''The Nerd''': Yeah. It all comes down to tapping buttons, which brings us to our next accessory. Probably the ''stupidest'' thing ever invented: The SpeedBoard. What is it? It's a piece of fucking plastic. You attach your controller, you get it? In case you don't wanna hold the controller with your hands, in case you enjoy playing on the floor, or behind a table, then this is for you. It's embarrassing. What's the point? To put the speed at your fingers? ''Why in the '''ass''' would I need '''that?''''' If I'm playing a game that involves having to tap the buttons like crazy, I'm probably gonna get a turbo controller, like the NES Max, or NES Advantage. How could they even ''sell'' such a thing? Even though it's made by [Pressman Toys,] a third party company, it was actually licensed by Nintendo. It's like covering a turd in ice cream sprinkles.
:'''The Nerd''': Next up, oh boy: the [[w:Konami|Konami]] [[w:LaserScope|LaserScope.]] Now, I just wanna go on record by saying I fuckin' love Konami, but this thing reeks of ass! It's essentially yet another form of the Zapper, but it's voice-controlled. To shoot, you say &quot;Fire!&quot;
:'''The Nerd''': '''''Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire!''''' It also has headphones, and it advertises on the box that you can use it for your Game Boy or Walkman. Just detach the scope module, yeah. Wow. Yeah, I would look &quot;so cool&quot; walking around listening to my [[w:iPod|iPod]] with this fuckin' thing on my head.
:'''The Nerd:''' It also advertises that &quot;Parents will love what they don't hear.&quot; It says, &quot;While the LaserScope surrounds the player with the sounds of exciting gameplay action, non players can listen to music, read a book, talk on the phone or have a conversation in the same room.&quot; Yeah. While you're saying, '''''&quot;Fire! Fire! Fire!&quot;,''''' it kinda defeats the purpose, right? '''''Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire!''''' Fuck! ''[game shoots]'' I didn't say &quot;Fire!&quot;, I said &quot;Fuck!&quot; Fuck! Fuck-Fire! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Ass! You can say anything. Shit! Bitch! Cunt! Fuck! Fart! ''[shifts to [[w:Duck Hunt|Duck Hunt]].]'' ''Fuck!'' Heh. Wow, I just shot down a duck by sayin' &quot;Fuck!&quot;

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:'''The Nerd''': [of the Roll &amp; Rock] I'm drinkin' Rolling Rock... ''on'' the Roll &amp; Rocker! Rolling Rock, Roll &amp; Rocker! Yeah, Rolling Rock ''on'' the Roll &amp; Rocker! ''[drinks more Rolling Rock]''

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[Playing ''[[w:Super Mario Bros.|Super Mario Bros.]]'' with the [[w:U-Force|U-Force]]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt;'' Get the mushroom, oh-- Aw, now that's assy. Yeah, I know I use the word &quot;ass&quot; a lot. I guess you can say I'm an ass-oholic.

=== [[w:Indiana Jones (franchise)|Indiana Jones Trilogy]] ===

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:'''AVGN''': If even a single pixel of your body comes in contact with any of these walls, it sends you back into the trap. But still, where do you go? You're supposed to touch this one spot on the wall which leads you to the next room. Well, after knowing that you can't touch anything else in the room, ''why the fuck'' would you even consider trying to go through the wall?! Is there ever such a thing as a ''door''?!

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:'''AVGN''': ''(Reviewing ''[[w:Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (Nintendo Entertainment System)|Temple of Doom]]'' for [[w:Nintendo Entertainment System|NES]])'' What's up with Indiana Jones? He looks like a park ranger, and he walks like he just dumped ass.

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:'''AVGN''': All through the game you keep finding swords and guns and stuff but the big question is What do you do with them? The start button brings up this screen which shows your supplies. But how do you select your weapons? You try every button and nothing works. So what's the point of this screen? Nothing. It's just for shits and giggles. Oh well, we're having fun with our whip in the meantime. Then you find that your whip is pretty useless. You can use it to swing around and kill small insects but any of the regular bad guys, it only make them jitter around and grunt.
:'''Enemy''': Huh! Huh!
:'''AVGN''': Huh! It should be a dance. ''(Pretends he's whipping)'' Huh! Huh! Whip it! Huh! Huh!

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:'''AVGN''': ''(reviewing ''The Last Crusade'' on NES)'' How is Indiana Jones such a wimp that he can't set foot in water more shallow than a kiddie pool?

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:'''AVGN''': What dumbasses made this game? [[w:Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade|Should've sent it to the Marx brothers.]]

=== [[w:Star Trek games|Star Trek]] ===
:''[A Klingon ship is attacking The Nerd's house]''
:'''The Nerd''': Wha-what is it, you want Genesis? ''[The Nerd picks up a Sega Genesis]'' You can have Genesis!

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:''[The Nerd turns off the NES Toploader, takes out the game, puts a phaser to it and is about to blast it out of existence, but he hesitates, eases off, and shakes his head.]''
:'''The Nerd''': No. I won't destroy it. Maybe the game designers did the best they could under the given circumstances. ''[to air]'' You hear? You'll have to get your entertainment someplace else. ''[a floating Metron appears in the Nerd's room.]'' You're a Metron.
:'''Metron''': ''Does my appearance surprise you, Nerd?''
:'''The Nerd''': Not really.
:'''Metron''': ''You surprise me.''
:'''The Nerd''': How?
:'''Metron''': ''By sparing the shitty game, you have demonstrated the advanced trait of mercy.''
:'''The Nerd''': ''Mercy '''this,''' motherfucker!'' ''[shoots the Metron]''

=== [[w:Superman video games|Superman]] ===

:'''AVGN''': It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's a shitty game! ''Superman'' for the [[w:Atari 2600|Atari 2600]]. I'm playing it on the [[w:Atari 7800|7800]] just for variety. But anyway, what could be said about Superman? He's one of the most famous superheros of all time. Even the word &quot;super&quot; is in his name. A word that implies excellence, outstanding quality and brilliant divine maginificence! ''(Gameplay of the Atari 2600 game is shown)'' Yeah, this sucks.

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:'''AVGN''': ''(reviewing ''[[w:Superman (Atari game)|Superman]]'' on Atari 2600)'' The whole game is based around the clock - it's all about getting the fastest time, but the only thing that'll eventually happenis you'll throw the game out the window faster than a speeding bullet!

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:'''AVGN''': ''(reviewing ''[[w:superman (Kemco game)|Superman]]'' on NES)'' You have a map screen which seems like it should be self-explanatory enough, but there's times when you have to use a subway train. &quot;'''Oops! You can't ride the subway with no pass!'''&quot; What, are you kidding me? He's ''Superman''! He needs to buy a fuckin' ticket?!

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:'''AVGN''': There's no reason to talk to anybody in this game. It's like in ''Castlevania II: Simon's Quest''. The whole game is full of people who tell you things that don't make any sense or have any [[relevance]] with the game. For example, this old woman tells you not to &quot;look into the Death Star, or you will die&quot;. Well, the [[w:Death Star|Death Star]] is nowhere in the game. Both of these games were released in 1988. Now that must have been the year of people talking and not making sense in video games. ''(talks to an NPC in ''Superman'')'' '''&quot;Haven't you seen the movie, Superman?&quot;''' Yeah, I did, actually! It's nothing like this ''garbage''!

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:'''AVGN''': ''(discussing the stage intermission screen resembling a [[w:Daily Planet|Daily Planet]] newspaper)'' What? &quot;'''Daily Planets'''&quot;? Isn't it just the Daily Planet? I don't know, I've had enough of this. Wait a minute. &quot;'''Stock Market Panic! Stock prices fall!'''&quot;? What, are we talking about ''stocks'' now? &quot;'''Find out why stock prices have fallen'''&quot;. &quot;'''You'll learn about stocks at the stock market.'''&quot; Okay, that's the goal here? To go to the ''stock market''? Oh my god. Do you remember being a kid? Do you remember playing Nintendo? What kind of things were you interested in? Comic books? Video games? Uhhm... the ''stock market''? Yeah, do you think any kid playing this game gives a shit about the fucking stock market?! Just, just, w-wh-''why''? W-wh-why make a game that has anything to do with stocks or taxes or politics? You just don't do that! It's like &quot;What were they thinking!?&quot; Stocks?! I just can't... I just... puh-''(raspberry)''. Augh, God. I just... what a shitload of fuck. That's enough for me. This game is just so awful that it can't be explained. I can review it for another hour and it won't make a difference. It's an unreviewable game. Can not be done justice! If you want to play it and see for yourself, I dare you. But just one warning: You will not be happy. Oh wait, this guy here just gave me a password? What's that for? Like if I want to continue here where I left off? Well, that's completely useless. There's no way I would ever need this password and you wanna know why? Because I'm never fucking playing this game again in my life! ''(Tosses the game out the window)''

=== [[w:Superman 64|Superman 64]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Okay, the wait is finally over. This is the review that everybody wants to see. Here it is, ''Superman''... on [[w:Commodore 64|Commodore 64]].

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:'''AVGN''': Remember those early CD based consoles like the PlayStation and you'd always have to wait for everything to load? Well, it's nothing like that; this thing actually takes 2 minutes and 7 seconds. Yeah, I timed it. Then the title screen starts up with the music, and you're like, ''&quot;WOW!&quot;'' But wait, what the hell's this? Type in the character that appears in &quot;column: 09 row:10&quot;? Oh, come on! I gotta get the code card. Yeah, the code card. Match up the damn numbers and there you go, it's 5. 'WHY DO I GOTTA DO THAT!? So you pick your difficulty, and guess what? It's gotta load again! Fifty-four seconds this time. Not long, but seems like an eternity. So anyway, you get this comic book storyline thing, and then- ''[the &quot;NOW LOADING&quot; screen appears yet again]'' You son-of-a-bitch! Probably two weeks later when you finally start playing the game, you'll be surprised that the graphics are quite decent and the gameplay is self-explanatory. You just fly around and shoot stuff. You don't have to be Clark Kent and find subway passes or any bullshit like that, so it's actually better than the Nintendo version. But that's not sayin' much. That's like sayin' the shit that I took last night was better than the shit I took the day before.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''[holds up Superman 64 cartridge]'' Aw, come on, you really wanna make me play this? Well, I'm gonna do it just for you, 'cause I like ya a lot. Now don't take that too serious.

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:'''AVGN''': First, you're greeted by a smiling cartoon fox. &quot;''Tittus''&quot;? What the fuck is that?

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:'''AVGN''': Looks like Superman's strokin' his super dick.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(after finishing the car-carrying stage 4)'' So I get to the goal, and guess what's next? Seriously, I want you to just take a guess what comes after this. More rings. Yeah. What kind of game is this!? Is this some sort of ''insanity test''?! Well, I'm done. I'm sorry, but that's all I can do. This game doesn't even ''qualify'' as shit! It's like the equivalent of ''shit'' takin' a shit! This is unspeakably, ''shockingly'' bad. It's sickeningly '''loathsome!''' '''It's a fuckin' suffering to the mind'''! It's a bunch of fuck and it doesn't belong on this planet! Somebody's gotta take care of it! This is a job for the fuckin' Nerd! ''[a rock version of [[w:Superman March|Superman Theme]] plays as the Nerd unbuttons his shirt to reveal a blue Superman shirt. Flies up to the sun and tosses the game into it.]''

=== [[w:List of Batman computer and video games|Batman Part One]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''[dressed up as Batman]'' All right, ''[takes off his glasses]'' let's dig in to a big pile of bat shit. As you can see, I'm all ready, because, ''[puts on Bat-Mask]'' in order to play bad Batman games, and do 'em justice... ''[puts glasses back on]'' ''[Batman voice]'' ...you gotta be Batman.

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:'''Batnerd''': ''[Batman: The Caped Crusader]'' There's also this annoying menu screen that keeps popping up. It took me a while to figure out that I activate this thing by pressing Down and the button.
:'''Batnerd''': So I get to this menu by total accident, and I don't know what to do here. What ''is'' all this shit? &quot;Restart game&quot;? Who the fuck's talkin' about restarting? ''[tries to type &quot;N&quot;, but the keyboard doesn't respond]''  Oh, the keypad's busted. Oh, that's great. Yeah, and that's another thing about the Commodore: It only works when it feels like it.
:'''Batnerd''': Well, anyway, the game sucks, gotta give it the Batman punishment! ''[Batman voice]'' '''''I'm Batman.''''' ''[throws the &quot;Batman: The Caped Crusader&quot; Commodore 64 disk to the ground]''

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:'''Batnerd''': Next up, ''[[w:Batman Forever (video game)|Batman Forever]]'' for the Super Nintendo. Now we're in deep shit, because this game is triceratops testicles.

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:'''Batnerd''': Fuck! Shit! Get up there! This is fuckin' '''''BULLSHIT!''''' You'd think to shoot up you just press up, but ''no,'' it '''''jumps!''''' Sometimes I get it to work by '''''pure luck''''' until I found out that, okay, '''''this''''' is how it works: To shoot up, you press '''select''' and '''up''' in a '''''very specific way.''''' You have to press select ''slightly before'' you press jump. If you do it correctly, it shoots the grappling hook straight up in the air. But if you press them both at the same time, you just jump! '''THAT'S A ''GOOD'' REASON WHY THE ''JUMP'' BUTTON SHOULD ''NOT BE UP!!'' WHY CAN'T IT BE ONE OF THE FUCKIN' ''BUTTONS?! HAVIN' THE FUCKIN' UP BUTTON JUMP IS FUCKIN' FUCKED UP!!!''''' If '''''this''''' ''[up on the d-pad]'' aimed your grappling hook and '''''THIS''''' ''[B button]'' jumped, '''''THEN IT WOULD BE FINE! BUT, NO! THEY GOTTA BE THE SAME BUTTON!'''''

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:'''Batnerd''': I'd rather have a diarrhea dog take '''''LAVA DUMP''''' all over the screen!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[the Batnerd is in shock over the bad controls of the game]''
:'''Batnerd''': '''WH- THIS IS ''FUCKED'' BEYOND BELIEF!!!''' It's like, the controls in this game are like something you do for a cheat code, '''''not a basic move that you HAVE TO DO in order to play the game!''''' '''Why'd they program it in such an ''asinine, ball-brained, cockamamie, RIDICULOUS FASHION?!''''' It's like, geez, there's four buttons right in the front of the controller! '''LIKE, THAT'S ''NOT ENOUGH'' TO WORK WITH?!''' Instead, they have to, like, program it, like, all into, like, weird, kinda, crazy button combinations and shit?! It's like, what were they thinking?! It's like, '''''up''''' is jump?! '''''Select''''' for the grappling hook?! Select shouldn't even be part of the game, select should be like for the ''menus,'' or something. '''I mean, jeez, like, were they tryin' to just ruin this game? Just flat out, just ''fuck it up?!''''' Well, they did! Batman Forever, '''it ''sucked'' back then, and it ''sucks'' forever!'''
:'''Batnerd''': ''[Batman voice]'' '''I'm Batmaaaaan.''' ''[throws &quot;Batman Forever&quot; to the floor]''
:'''Batnerd''': ''[Batman voice]'' That's it, that's all the shitty Batman games I can take. The review's over.
:''[Joker laughs insanely in the background and appears from behind the couch]''
:'''Joker''': Batman! Batman, you wanna play a '''''really shitty''''' Nintendo game, Batman? Well, how 'bout, ''Return of the Joker'' on the Nintendo Entertainment System, Batman?
:'''Batnerd''': ''[normal voice]'' Yeah, but, I'm not really Batman, though.
:'''Joker''': You're not Batman?! Batman, you're Batman, I'm Batman! ''[laughs insanely]'' Come on, Batman, let's play! Come o- ''[Batnerd punches him in the face and picks him up]''
:'''Batnerd''': I'm not playin' anymore shitty Batman games!
:'''Joker''': ''[chortles]'' Yes, you are! ''[water squirts out of the Joker's flower into the Batnerd's face]'' ''[laughs insanely]'' Ooh, Batman, let me give you a hand! ''[The Batnerd grabs the Joker's hand, and gets electrocuted by a joy buzzer while the Joker laughs and puts &quot;Return of the Joker&quot; into the NES Top Loader and the caption &quot;TO BE CONTINUED...&quot; appears on the screen]''
:'''Batnerd''': ''[narrating]'' Will the Batnerd escape the Joker? What bad games does he have up his sleeve? Tune in next episode, same bat time, same bat channel!

=== [[w:List of Batman computer and video games|Batman Part Two]] ===

:'''Batnerd''': Look at this pandemonium! There's a fucking ceiling waiting to come down and kill me, there's a guy throwing an oil drum, if I try to get out of the way I get hit by these rotating blades and shit. I take the guy down, and then I try to set off the ceiling trap, and... I'm dead.
:''[Joker laughs crazily at Batnerd's misfortune]''
:'''Batnerd''': Shut up!
:'''Joker''': [briefly angry] Fuck you, motherfucker! ''[laughs resumes laughing]''

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:'''Batnerd''': ''[playing &quot;Batman: Return of the Joker&quot; on Game Boy]'' The controls are like trying to get a horse to wipe its ass on an eagle.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Batnerd''': I swear that these games were programmed by [[w:The Joker|the Joker.]]

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:'''Batnerd''': ''[playing ''Batman: Revenge of the Joker'' on Sega Genesis]'' What's with the gargoyle statues? You shoot them and get nothing. What's the point? And why does it hurt you to touch them? '''''BATMAN CAN'T EVEN TOUCH A FUCKING STATUE?!'''''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Batnerd''': '''''OKAY, SO WHAT'S WITH THIS FUCKING BULLSHIT?!''''' What, do they just die whenever they feel like it? Like is it a glitch, or is it some obscure trick that I don't know about? It's just the first level of the game! '''AGAIN! ''THE FIRST FUCKING LEVEL,'' AND I CAN'T GO ANY FURTHER!''' I've had enough of this catastrophe!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Batnerd''': ''[after subduing the Joker]'' I'm gonna shove these fucking games up your ''ass!'' ''Batman: Revenge of the Joker!'' ''[Joker screams]'' ''Batman: Return of the Joker!'' ''[Joker screams]'' ''Batman Forever!'' ''[Joker screams]'' ''Batman: Return of the Joker'' on Game Boy! ''[Joker screams again]'' And last but not least, ''Batman'' on Commodore 64! ''[Joker screams]''

=== [[w:Deadly Towers|Deadly Towers]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': This is a very special episode because I'm not gonna review the game, the fans are. Yeah. For the first time I asked the fans to recount their experiences with the game and send them to a specified email address. And as a result, this one inbox got over 6,000 messages. So, if you're one of the lucky ones, then I hope you enjoy hearing your words coming out of my mouth. But regardless, thanks for the submissions, thanks for supporting the show, this one's my little reward, to you. Enjoy.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, this must be why the attack is so slow: Our hero must pass the blades out of his cock! Hell, if broadswords shooting out of my cock was my only defense against purple inchworms &amp; bats, I’d probably let them kill me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Even the manual says, &quot;You have no confidence in this sword.&quot; What the fuck kind of advice is that? That's like saying &quot;Buddy, if you play this game, '''YOU'RE GONNA GET FUCKED UP THE ASSHOLE WITH A ''PORCUPINE!! GOOD FUCKIN' LUCK, DOUCHEBAG!&quot;''''' 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''':  You get an inventory screen. It's empty right now, but it seems pretty standard. It tells you your life and everything. It also has this thing called 'ludder'. Yeah, it says you have 50 ludder. I can only assume that that's currency, so I Googled it to check what it meant and according to an Urban Dictionary, 'ludder' means 'cheap-ass hoe'! So, therefore we're already starting out with 50 cheap-ass hoes, so we're doing alright for ourselves. I wonder what the exchange rate is for the expensive whores?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''':  Oh, and the music. The bubbly sound of ripping ass isn't even an adequate way to describe the music in this game!

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:'''The Nerd''':  When they named this game ''Deadly Towers'', they weren't kidding. The last time I saw towers this deadly was when they decided the horses need more fiber in their diets! This game is so fucking hard, it's easier to lift an elephant with my ass while singing Old MacDonald!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Das Spiel ist Scheiße! Dieses Spiel fickt dich härter als das Leben! (Translation: The game is shit! This game fucks you harder than life!) Well, I gave that a try.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': This game is like a never-ending turd that bends around and goes into your mouth, thus creating an endless cycle of eating your own shit whilst taking a crap and occasionally puking up the same for all eternity!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Fuck this game! No, better yet, ''don't'' fuck this game! Don't let your friends fuck it! It's '''unfuckworthy!'''

=== [[w:Battletoads|Battletoads]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' ''Battletoads'' on Nintendo. Now, don't worry, it's a good game. It's actually one of the most memorable games in the NES library. But when it first came out, a lot of people were thinkin', &quot;What is this, a cheap ''Ninja Turtles'' knockoff, or somethin'?&quot; But, uh, it was actually pretty good-- ''[he turns to his right and notices Kyle]'' Who the fuck are you?
:'''Kyle:''' I'm your guitar guy. ''[the Nerd doesn't get it.]'' I sing your theme song... from... behind the couch.
:'''The Nerd:''' Well then, go back behind the damn '''''COUCH!''''' Geez!
:'''Kyle:''' You know, that's not the welcome I really expected.
:'''The Nerd:''' Well, look, you can't just sit here while I do the review.
:'''Kyle:''' ''[stutters]'' Why can't I do the review with you?
:'''The Nerd:''' Oh, uh-- '''''because that's not how it WORKS!''''' It's, like, I play the game, and you-- Get your ass back ''behind the'' '''FUCKIN''''  '''''COUCH!!'''''
:'''Kyle:''' ''[angrily; while fighting back his tears]'' I don't ever get to do anything; you don't even use my song that much anymore.
:'''The Nerd:''' Why are you always behind my damn couch anyway?!
:'''Kyle:''' There are no other couches to go behind!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': The intro shows 3 toads: Rash, Pimple, &amp; Zitz. Why such disgusting names? How about Herpes, Genital Warts, &amp; Gonorrhea?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Level 3 restarts]''
:'''The Nerd''': What? You ''gotta'' be fuckin' kidding me. YOU died, but we ''both'' have to restart the level!
:'''Kyle:''' Sorry.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Kyle:''' ''[singing]'' ''He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard...''
:'''The Nerd''': '''YOU BET YOUR ''ASS!!!'''''

=== [[w:Dick Tracy (video game)|Dick Tracy]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': Remember when everybody was talkin' about ''Dick Tracy?'' 1990, the Warren Beatty film comes out. Everybody went from &quot;Who's Dick Tracy?&quot; to '''''&quot;WHOA,''''' Dick Tracy's the '''''SHIT!'''''&quot; It was like a contemporary film noir; stylish with colorful comic book-style visuals and an all-star cast: Al Pacino, Dustin Hoffman, fuckin' Madonna, but it was kinda over-the-top and silly.
:'''Big Boy''': You dumb Dick.
:'''The Nerd''': It was all right, but its popularity was short-lived. I think it was just an excuse for the kids to say &quot;Dick&quot;.
:'''Flattop''': I guess that's the end of Dick.
:'''Itchy''': Yeah. 30 seconds, no more Dick! 30 seconds, no more Dick!
:'''Big Boy:''' Dumb Dick.
:'''The Nerd:''' You know, [[w:Dick Van Dyke|Dick Van Dyke]] is in the movie. ''[turns to the camera]'' You think that's enough Dicks? ''[holds up the &quot;Dick Tracy&quot; VHS to the camera]'' Like, seriously, when this movie came out, I never said &quot;Dick&quot; so much before in my life. Every kid on the block was runnin' around sayin' &quot;Dick Tracy&quot;, &quot;Dick Tracy&quot;, &quot;Dick this&quot; and &quot;Dick that&quot;! My dad said, &quot;Can't you just call him Richard Tracy?&quot; And I was like, &quot;You know... how is 'Dick' short for 'Richard'?&quot; That doesn't even make any sense. It's like Bill and William, or Jim and James. But at least Bill and Will rhyme, and Jim and James both start with a J. But Richard and Dick? Like, nobody ever says &quot;Dickard&quot;.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' So you get to 5th &amp; B, you go inside, and then the game goes to a side-scroller mode. ''[Zooms in on Dick Tracy's in-game sprite]'' What the hell's wrong with Dickard? He looks like he's got a bad suntan.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' So I go straight over to 8th &amp; J, and it's swarming with bad guys. Even going into this place with full health, it's hard to survive to the end. It's hard as Dick. 
:'''The Nerd:''' So, I get to Numbers, I arrest him, and then...I need more ''evidence?''
:''[footage of the game with Dick Tracy's superior officer scolding him by saying, &quot;You need more evidence before you can arrest someone, Tracy! What's wrong with you?&quot; Apparently, the Nerd is just appalled by this, and this is apparently James D. Rolfe's true anger.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' ''[voice cracks]'' You gotta be fuckin' kidding me! That's '''''ridiculous!''''' Like, '''''what?!''''' Like, you have to travel all around and go to five different buildings, four to get the clues, and then the last one to arrest Numbers! ''All without dying once!'' '''THAT'S WHORESHIT!''' ​And I didn't say &quot;horseshit,&quot; I said ''&quot;whorefuck&quot;.'' '''LIKE A ''WHORE'' TAKIN' A ''FUCK!''''' ''[drinks some Rolling Rock]'' You know, remember when you were a little kid, it was fuckin' Friday, you did all your homework, and you rented a game from the local video store. And this was it, this was your whole weekend; this one game. You didn't have anything else to do, so you had no choice, '''''but to keep playing THAT FIRST PART OF THE GAME OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN!'' AND IT'S LIKE, &quot;YOU KNOW WHAT?&quot; IT'S LIKE, &quot;I WANNA SEE THE REST OF THE GAME, ''YOU CAN'T JUST LET THE GAME FUCKIN' WIN LIKE THAT!&quot;''''' So, '''''THAT'S''''' why you don't give up.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' It begs the question: &quot;Are there '''any''' health power-ups?&quot; And to tell you the truth, I've heard that there is. But I haven't found any, not ''one''. I actually found a heart, yeah, a fuckin' heart, but it did absolutely nothing at all. Yeah, a fuckin' heart that did fuckin' nothing! So, where the power-ups are, I have no idea, but they're probably not in any of the main buildings. They're probably in some obscure building that you wouldn't think to go in anyway, and the roof is probably covered with snipers, which defeats the whole purpose of going there.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' I have another update: I've been informed countless times that the hearts ''are'' the power-ups. So, if the hearts are the power-ups, why don't they do anything? Well, here's how it works. You have to select the fuckin' thing. It's called a First Aid Kit. And then you use it by pressing B, right? No, it still doesn't do jack-shit. You have to hold ''down'' Select and press B at the same time. But that doesn't work either, because as soon as you press Select, it goes to the next item. The trick is that you have to select the item that comes ''before'' the First Aid, and then hold ''down'' Select, so ''now'' the First Aid should be selected, while you're still holding Select. ''Then'' you press B, and there you go! ''How the fuck'' was I supposed to know that?! Why couldn't you just push B like all the other items? 'What kind of stupid fuckin' dick-brained idiot programmed it like that?!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' '''''THIS'' IS THE REASON WHY GAME GENIE WAS INVENTED! I'VE BEEN PLAYING THIS GAME FOR ALMOST 20 ''FUCKIN' YEARS,'' AND I STILL ''CAN'T GET PAST THE FIRST STAGE!''''' So why am I still trying? I don't know, I'm just a sucker for Dick Tracy. &quot;Sucker for Dick&quot;, ''that'' didn't sound good. I'm gonna tell you right now that anybody would have given up on this game had it not been for the name. They made one of the most frustrating games of all time, they took the name &quot;Dick Tracy&quot;, and slapped it on the cover just like slapping their own greedy dick! Well, if this game is dick, then we were the '''''balls.'''''
:'''The Nerd:''' And you know, I really wanted to give it a chance, because '''''I KINDA LIKED''''' the idea of finding clues, and figuring out where to go, like it made you think like a detective. But, '''''ONE guy?! No continues?!''''' Like, seriously, give me a reason why there's no continues. '''WHY ARE THERE NO CONTINUES?! ''WHY ARE THERE NO FUCKING CONTINUES?!?''''' &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''WHYYYYYYY?!?! AAAAGH!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt; 
:''[The Nerd guzzles down some more Rolling Rock, does a [[w:Mortal Kombat (1992 video game)|Mortal Kombat]] scream into his pillow, and then has a meltdown.]'' 
:'''The Nerd:''' ''[bellowing]'' '''''FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-FUCKING-FUCKING-FUCK! FUCKING-FUCK! FUUUUUCK!''''' ''[The Nerd finishes his Rolling Rock, grabs a drill and drills through the game as the cartridge spins uncontrollably, then the screen quickly cuts black as the Nerd smashes the game with a hammer.]''

=== [[w:Dracula in popular culture|Dracula]] ===

:'''AVGN''': ''(Playing [[w:The Count (video game)|The Count]] on the [[w:Commodore VIC-20|Commodore VIC-20]], the Nerd types in &quot;Eat pillow&quot; when the game text asks him what he wants to do. The game responds &quot;'''Yuck!'''&quot;)'' Okay, so I ate the pillow? I didn't expect that. &quot;Get up.&quot; ''(Game responds &quot;'''I'm in a bedroom. Closed window. Brass Bed. North.'''&quot;)'' Uhhh...okay. &quot;Go north.&quot; ''(Game responds &quot;'''OK. What shall I do now?'''&quot;)'' Okay, so I went north? What did that do? &quot;Go east.&quot; ''(Game responds &quot;'''OK. What shall I do now?'''&quot;)'' &quot;Go east again.&quot; ''(Game responds &quot;'''Use 1 or 2 words only!'''&quot;)'' Oh okay. I'll give you two words! &quot;Fuck you!&quot; ''(Game responds &quot;'''Don't know how to &quot;FUCK&quot; something.'''&quot; The Nerd looks on in shock, and does a facepalm)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(Playing the unreleased ''[[w:Drac's Night Out|Drac's Night Out]]'' on NES, which features [[w:Reebok Pump|Reebok Pumps]] as a power-up)'' Your only real power-ups are the Reebok Pumps. They let you run faster and jump higher. You really need to get these shoes, because without them, you get your ass handed to you. That's what I call a powerup, and that's what I call a promotion. Reebok Pumps! You ain't shit without it! Pump it up and air it out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Even though it pisses me off, I can't really complain because this game was never released. It's like somebody took a fuck and buried it and then someone else decided to dig it up. It's like &quot;What do you expect?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(Upon finding the name of television producer [[w:Fred Fuchs|Fred Fuchs]] in the credits for ''[[w:Bram Stoker's Dracula (video game)|Bram Stoker's Dracula]]'' on SNES)'' Wait, who's this? Fred Fudge - Fred Fucks?! FRED FUCKS?! Fred Fucks! Oh my God, &quot;Fred Fucks&quot;! Ohh, my God, it's Fred Fucks! (Laughs awkwardly) Fred Fucks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(Playing ''Bram Stoker's Dracula'' on Sega CD)'' I actually did manage to get to Dracula, at least in his first form, and he looks just as laughable as he did in the movie. But the most ridiculous part is when you die.
:'''Keanu Reeves:''' ''(Screams)''
:'''AVGN''': ''(Mimics scream)'' What the hell, is that clip even from the movie? I don't know, maybe it's from ''Bill &amp; Ted''.
:'''Keanu Reeves:''' ''(Screams)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%/&gt;
:'''AVGN''':  The game looks amazing for its time, but the control is what kills it. It's so awkward trying to jump. You fall through shit, and the attacks are so delayed. It's impossible to turn around and hit your enemies before they hit you, you just wish you had a whip or a sword or something, not your bare hands. All you get is this stupid little kick to kick the fuckin' rats. Yeah, that's all it is is just rats and bats. How many fucking games need to have bats? Like seriously, I know it's Dracula, but why does every game have every fucking bats?! Seriously. I! Fucking! Hate! Bats! ''(Bites and fights a bat as he throws a bat to the wall then he groans.)'' I'm sick of it all! Morning sun, VANQUISH ME!!! ''(Opens blinds as he cries out.)''

=== [[w:Frankenstein (disambiguation)|Frankenstein]] ===
:'''AVGN''': Alright, so tonight we'll do something a little different. Cause I haven't tortured myself enough with all these shitty games! So I created a monster to conduct the review for me. Behold, Franken-Nerd! I could really use another bolt of lightning! (lightning strikes and the Nerd pulls the switch) Yeah! It's alive! It's alive!

&lt;hr width&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': This is the game. [Franken-Nerd growls] ''[[w:Mary Shelley's Frankenstein (video game)|Mary Shelley's Frankenstein]]'' on Super Nintendo. Game, good.
:'''Mike Matei as Franken-Nerd''': Good.
:'''AVGN''': [chuckles] You bet your ass it's good. (The Nerd puts in the game) Here's the controller for you, hit start and knock yourself out. Have fun.

&lt;hr width&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(after shutting off Franken-Nerd, who was playing ''The Adventures of Dr. Franken'' for the Nerd up until then)'' The biggest mistake Dr. Frankenstein made. If you're gonna make a monster, you better be able to shut it down. ...But unfortunately, I can't shut off the game, for the monsters in my soul. It's my duty - (Chuckles) &quot;doody&quot; - to play it for myself and ''explain'' why this game sucks! 'Cause I created a monster, and there's no turning back.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(Playing ''[[w:Frankenstein: The Monster Returns|Frankenstein: The Monster Returns]]'' on the [[w:Nintendo Entertainment System|NES]]]'' Stage four is the final stage. Yeah they chose to keep the game as short as possible, yet as annoying as possible. This place is all fucked up. There's all these weird faces in the background. Like where are you supposed to be? Beside Satan's asshole?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': So now, just to try again I gotta type in the fucking password! It's so tedious! I mean it's not the longest password I've ever seen but it's still longer than necessary. But unlike most passwords if you move the d-pads to the sides, it doesn't move your cursor to the other side! So say your cursor's on the letter K and you need to move to J, in most games all you need to do is move your cursor left and it will show up on J. But here, you can't do that! You have to move the cursor all the way to the fucking J! A lot of effort considering J comes right before K. It's so fucked up. And, also, if you enter the password and it turns out that it's wrong, like if you messed up on one letter it erases the whole thing and you gotta type it in all over again! Why can't I just go back and fix the one letter? I really ''hate'' this password thing in general because, what's the point? You should have unlimited continues. Yeah, because the only reason you should have to put in a password is if you turn the game off and want to come back to it later. As long as you're still playing, you're gonna keep playing the same stages over and over and over again, so what's the point of sending you all the way back to the beginning? The earlier stages are the easiest, and those are the stages you end up playing the most. It's the later stages where you need the most practice! It's all about trial and error. Like imagine if in high school, you fail out of senior year. What happens? You do senior year again, right? You don't have to go back and do freshman year again! So, BOTTOM LINE, HAVE UNLIMITED CONTINUES! Goddammit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Anyway, I can't get past the vines so I'm going to cheat with Game Genie, the last resort. But check out these codes! &quot;Almost unlimited energy&quot;, &quot;Invincibility after losing first life - May cause the game to freeze&quot;, &quot;Start with no continues&quot;, &quot;Can not collect extra energy&quot;, and &quot;One hit is fatal&quot;! What kinds of codes are these!? Is there like some sick fuck who thinks the game isn't hard enough? Like somebody who wants to be tortured some more? Well, how about this? I got a code for you. How about a code that just starts you off dead? ''(Subtitle: &quot;PHUCKEWE&quot;)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': At first the code works fine but then I found out if you collect energy it takes life away. Not that you would need to collect energy, but it's kinda silly, isn't it? And, guess what, once you get to the vines, you still die! Well, that would have been nice! Why couldn't the code say Invincibility Except For The Vines? Even if you pass the vines the invinciblity goes away so you're left with your own wits to fight Frankenstein. So, fuck the Game Genie, and let me tell you when Game Genie doesn't help, you know you're fucked! ''(the Nerd throws the Game Genie.)'' So, you fight Frankenstein. His first form's pretty easy, but, then, he grows into a giant Super Frankenstein. Come on! Come on! Come on, you fucking Fuckinstein! ''(Lightning strikes the Franken-Nerd and he starts attacking the Nerd while he's fighting Super Frankenstein and a rock version of the Angry Video Game Nerd theme plays then the Nerd eventually beats Super Frankenstein)'' Yeah! ''(The NES Toploader electrocutes the TV as the TV explodes, an explosion kills the Franken-Nerd)''

=== [[w:CD-i|CD-i Part One]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Ohhhhh, boy, let’s talk about the Philips CD-i. Now, if you’re not familiar with the backstory, I’ll give you a quick little run-down. Nintendo was working in conjunction with Philips to produce a CD-based add-on for the Super NES, which never came through. Now Nintendo was also working with Sony on the same concept, and we all know what came of that: the PlayStation. (The Nerd holds up the PlayStation with both hands.) But as for Philips, they too made their own game console, however they had permission to utilize some of the Nintendo franchises. Now what came to that was a shitty Mario game, (Hotel Mario) and three shitty Zelda games: Link: The Faces of Evil, Zelda’s Adventure, and Zelda: The Wand of Gamelon. (The Nerd tries to open the awkward looking case for &quot;Wand of Gamelon.&quot;) (awkwardly) Okay. These games are ''notorious'' for their legendary ass suckage, which is hard to believe! How can there exist a bad ''Zelda'' game, let alone ''three'' of them? And on a console that's not Nintendo? Well if you haven't heard of 'em, you might think you're living under a rock, but let me tell you, it's a rock worth living under.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': But before we get to the ''Zelda'' games, let's start off with ''[[w:Hotel Mario|Hotel Mario]]''. The price on this one, I got to be honest, was zero because this one was a donation. Thanks, Casey! You might as well have sent me a turd wrapped in tinfoil.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': So, often, you find yourself having to hit up on the down arrow, and when you go down to the up arrow you press down. That's fucking confusing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The game is actually more reminiscent of arcade games from the early ‘80s like Donkey Kong and Mario Bros. And for something like that, Hotel Mario actually isn’t too bad. It is challenging, I’ll give it that, but the fact is, this was not the early ‘80s; this was 1994, and it was a next-generation console. Originally, they planned to release a sequel to [[w:Super Mario World|Super Mario World]] titled [[w:Super Mario’s Wacky Worlds|Super Mario's Wacky Worlds]], but it was cancelled, and what we got was this. (Hotel Mario) End of story. Well, all the CD-i stuff is a shit sandwich that’s too big for one mouthful. So check in for Part 2, we’re gonna look at the Zelda games.

=== [[w:CD-i|CD-i Part Two]] ===
:'''AVGN''': ''(discussing the boss battles)'' When you kill them, you get these amusing cutscenes.
:'''Hectan''': You've killed me!
:'''Zelda''': Good!
:'''AVGN''': ''(horrified face)'' &quot;Good!&quot; ''(laughs)'' &quot;You killed me!&quot; &quot;Good!&quot; ''(laughs insanely, then starts saying &quot;FUCK!&quot; in a very chicken-like voice while giving both middle fingers. Then he stops and picks up Rolling Rock)'' Gotta calm down. ''(drinks it, then resumes playing)'' Oh, man, I'm going completely insane. But I can't quit because I'm up to Ganon.
:'''Ganon''': YOU DARE BRING LIGHT TO MY LAIR!? YOU MUST DIE!
:'''AVGN''': He looks like a joke! He makes the Ganon from the cartoon series look badass!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Well, in conclusion, some might say that there are redeeming factors to this game. The music's pretty cool, and the graphics are nice and colorful. Some might call it a &quot;mixed bag.&quot; But let me tell you what kind of mixed bag. It’s a trash bag that's had a bad day. Like, say, your mom cleans out the cat litter; fresh and stale doody pebbles go right in the bottom of the bag. And then your sister throws out her used tampons, and where do they go? In the same bag. And then your brother comes home, piss-ass drunk, just upchucks, pukes right into the bag! Now, I'm not trying to be disgusting, but that is a realistic situation, and what it all comes down to, that's a nasty bag. But I'd rather take that shit out to the garbage than deal with this piece of fuck! Fuck this game, get out of my face!

=== [[w:CD-i|CD-i Part Three]] ===

:'''AVGN''': ''(Playing ''[[w:CD-i games based on The Legend of Zelda series|Link: The Faces of Evil]]'')'' And the jumping is still a big problem. Come on, why can't I get up there? ''(Link falls off platform)'' Oh, your mother! ''(Link jumps up and misses)'' Oh, you son of a bitch. Get up there! ''(Link jumps up and misses again, later falls off ledge)'' ''Ungh!'' ''(Link jumps up and misses once again)'' It's time to start droppin' some F-Bombs! ''(as literal F-Bombs fly from his mouth)'' FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The darkness is still a huge issue. Look, my lantern oil ran out, so I can't find my way back. So I'm really up Shit Creek without a paddle! And that means I'm paddling through the shit with my hands.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Talking to people is still a strange ordeal. Why do you have to shove a sword up their ass? Right up their ass.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Then you gotta wake Zelda. Come on! I'm here to rescue your royal ass. Get the hell up! Wake the fuck up! ''(swings the sword at the gong above Zelda)'' Oh, I get it.
:'''Link:''' I just saved you from Ganon! I won!
:'''AVGN''': Nothing short of poetry.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': In other Zelda games, there’s secret passageways that transport you all around the dungeon. That makes sense. But here, when you’re just walking to the next screen, and suddenly appear some place different on the map, it’s like, &quot;What the Hell happened to this game?&quot; I don't believe this! Like, [Stammers] I seriously don't believe this! ''[drinks beer]'' That's it, that's all I can take. How could they fuck up ''Zelda'' this bad!? It's not a ''Zelda'' game, I wouldn't call it that. &quot;Oh, but it is. It has Zelda in it, it has Link...&quot; Yeah, you know what, that's a pointless argument right there. That's like if your dad said, &quot;I fucked your mom.&quot; It's like: &quot;I can't argue with that!&quot; Playing these games is as worthwhile as melting a dog turd in a frying pan. Yeah, put some buffalo puke and some cat piss all over it, and you have a shit sandwich that is Zelda CD-i! This game FUCKING SUCKS! ''(hurls a game off-screen)'' FUCKING SUCKS! ''(hurls a second game off-screen)'' FUCKING SUCKS! ''(hurls a third game off-screen)'' Oh yeah, and the ''Mario'' game? That one sucks too! ''(hurls ''Hotel Mario'' off-screen)'' CD-i SUCKS!!! ''(as the screen fade to black, AVGN is heard seemingly hurling the CD-i console itself as well)''

=== Bible Games II ===

:'''AVGN''': Welcome to another sacrilegious Christmas fuck-fest! Now, two years ago, I played a bunch of Bible games. Yeah, now would you believe there's actually more of them? (He holds more Bible games) Like, who makes video games based off the Bible? Why would you do that? These games suck ass! If I was God, I'd be pissed.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(playing ''[[w:Exodus (video game)|Exodus]]'' on the NES)'' So the exit appears, you take it and then you get a bunch of Bible questions such as &quot;'''The king of Egypt told the Hebrew midwives to: Kill male babies; Kill all babies;'''&quot; &quot;Kill all babies&quot;? I'm playing an NES game that says &quot;''Kill all babies''&quot;? And you know what? That's the wrong answer, so that obviously means that's something they made up. &quot;Kill all babies&quot;!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(playing ''[[w:Sunday Funday|Sunday Funday]]'' which is a clone of Menace Beach)'' Instead of trying to rescue your girl, you're not even going to believe this when I tell you, you're trying to get to Sunday school. Yeah. Now, as much as that's the dumbest idea I've ever heard for a game, what I don't understand is why that's so difficult! Who ''are'' these raging atheists that don't want you to go to church!? It's bad enough that the entire town is trying to stop you, but what's with the flying clowns, the old ladies coming out of boxes, and animals coming out of sewer holes? What's this guy's problem? Like why does everyone want him dead? I'd say he's having quite a day. And the funny thing is, he probably gets to church and doesn't even mention it, like: &quot;Oh what did you do on this Sunday morning before church?&quot; &quot;Oh, well I flew on a balloon that I got from some clown, and then I went through the sewers and beat up a bunch of plumbers. I hopped on some frog and bounced around on a bunch of springs and shit, then I threw a bomb and blew some guy's fuckin' face off.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': All right, well that's enough with that one. It's time to wrap things up. I've got something to blow the lid off the crap barrel. Time to flick the shit switch, turn up the diarrhea dial! IT'S BIBLE GAMES ON CD-I!! Yeah! We're living on the edge! More like living on a prayer!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(playing'' Pyramid Pursuit ''on'' Moses: The Exodus'' for CD-i)'' The voices are the fuckest baloney shit you'll ever hear.
:'''Anubis statue''': ''(in monotone)'' I'm an idol worshipped by many. There's someone downstairs who worships me.
:'''AVGN''': What is it, a robot?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Alright, well I'm done. There's not really any more Bible games, or at least ones that actually qualify as games. There's one on Game Boy called The King James Bible. It's extremely rare, but all it is is literally the whole Bible on a Game Boy cartridge. So I'm gonna draw the line right there. So have a Happy Holidays and all that good shit. Merry Christmas to all, and all a good fucking night!

=== [[w:Michael Jackson's Moonwalker|Michael Jackson's Moonwalker]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' I think Dave Chappelle said it best, he made ''Thriller. [opens the vinyl record of &quot;Thriller&quot;] Thriller.''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Now, I know what we're all thinking here, but really, that's all it is. You're just rescuing the kids.
:''[He is shocked to learn that you can make Michael Jackson grab his crotch.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Why...? Why would they put that in the game?! ''How'' could they put that in the game?!

=== [[w:Milon's Secret Castle|Milon's Secret Castle]] ===
:''[Milon runs out a door, and gets hit by lightning in-game.]'' 
:'''The Nerd''': Fuck.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': I'm gonna give you a little tour. Here's the first part of the game. You could explore the whole outside of the castle, but you can't go up to the second level yet. For now, all you have is three doors and a window. The first door leads to a room that has nothing interesting. The only thing interesting here is an area with a bunch of money. But how the Hell do you get over there? It's like the game is deliberately taunting you. &quot;Hey, you want that money, don't ya? You want that money, yeah, you want that money, you want that money? Yeah, well '''fuck you''', you can't have it!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So, that's when you need... the power. ''[The Nerd puts down the controller and gets out his Nintendo Power magazine.]'' ''Nintendo Power''! It's like: &quot;You wanna know how to beat the game? Well, you gotta '''buy our magazine''', you dumb little shits!&quot; 
:'''The Nerd''': This is the ''Classified Information'' section. Usually, this is all about cheats. &quot;''Golgo 13'': Stage Select. ''Spy Hunter'': Start with all weapons. ''Wizards and Warriors'': Bypass the Wizard! ''Mario 2'': Short Cuts to Birdo. ''Milon's Secret Castle'': Getting Started?&quot; That's not a cheat! That's just how to play the fuckin' game! The basic rules of the game needed ''Nintendo Power''. ''That''... is some fuck!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''':''Milon's Secret Castle''. More like '''''Milon's SHITTY ASSHOLE'''''!

== Season Four ==

=== [[w:Atari Jaguar|Atari Jaguar Part One]] ===
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': This started a little trend I like to call the &quot;Bit Wars.&quot; Nobody ever talked about bits before that and nobody ever talked about bits since. And what are bits, anyway? Nobody knew, they're just bits! Try explaining that to your parents. &quot;Well I want a [[w:Super Nintendo|Super Nintendo]] for Christmas!&quot; &quot;Don't you already have a Nintendo?&quot; &quot;Yeah, but this one's 16 bit!&quot; &quot;What's that?&quot; &quot;...I dunno!&quot;

=== [[w:Atari Jaguar|Atari Jaguar Part Two]] ===

:'''AVGN''': ''(playing ''[[w:Attack of the Mutant Penguins|Attack of the Mutant Penguins]]'')'' This is the weirdest game I've ever played. I mean, it's not ''bad'' if you're drunk or high or something, but how did they come up with this shit? I got it. I could come up with a game like this. How about, you're a shark? And you gotta shake palm trees 'til trains fall down. And you put the trains in an apple and then turkeys come and eat the apples, and then the turkeys go up waterfalls and to get them down, you have to collect monkey butts. So you drop the monkey butts on power lines and... ''(trails off and mimes his brain exploding)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Skylar''': ''(the green face from ''[[w:Cybermorph|Cybermorph]]'' appears from behind AVGN's futon and chases him off)'' Where did ''you'' learn to fly? Where did ''you'' learn to fly? Where did ''you'' learn to fly?
:'''AVGN''': ''(shoots Skylar's image with the Super Scope)'' Where'd ''you'' learn to be an ''asshole''?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''':There's something about this that perplexes me. You have a game console, that not many people owned, so you make an add-on that requires owning the game console. What were they thinking?! It should've just been its own individual game system. Besides, the fucking thing has its own AC adapter. So, that's two. One for the Jaguar, and one for the Jaguar CD. And that's some cool looking design. It looks just like a toilet. Yeah! It's a fucking toilet! What a perfect analogy. 

&lt;hr width&quot;50$%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Well, thanks for trying. And thanks for the Pong console. Would you believe that a 30-year-old Pong console attached to a cell phone adapter would work, but a cutting-edge, snarling Jaguar doesn't? There's something wrong here. And you know what? I blew 250 bucks on this thing. So, you know what I did? Bought another one. Yeah, and guess what? It doesn't work, either! So, that's about $450 total I blew on two dead Jaguars. And these things are rare! So when the only two that I can manage to get my hands on just don't work, that leads me to believe that these things most definitely are self-aware. They don't wanna work! You can't make 'em! They just REFUSE to be reviewed! And I've never had that happen. So, the end... I gotta take a shit.

=== [[w:Metal Gear (video game)|Metal Gear]] ===
:'''AVGN''': And his full name is [[w:Solid Snake|Solid Snake]]? Might as well just be Erect Cock!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': What!? '''You son-of-a-bitch!''' The enemies respawn if you use the binoculars! You can't do anything! Was this a glitch?! Or were the game designers deliberately trying to be '''FUCKIN' ASSHOLES!!?''' Seriously! And this whole jungle scene wasn't even in the original version. Like, &quot;Hmm, let's see, what kind of stupid shit can we add? Let's take a great game and just dump an assload of diarrhea all over it.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': This game is the fucking crust between your balls. It's terrible! And yeah, I know it's a classic game, but when something's fucked up, it's fucked up. So if you wanna rip me a new asshole, that's fine. I have like 12. Yeah, I've got a [[w:Charlie Brown|Charlie Brown]] ghost ass.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': And it's not just me. [[w:Hideo Kojima|Hideo Kojima]] himself said &quot;It slurped anal grease through a warthog's dickhole.&quot; Well, he didn't say it like that, he said it wasn't faithful to his original game.

=== [[w:Magnavox Odyssey|Odyssey]] ===

:'''AVGN''': These are the games. Pretty elaborate, right? The titles are the best part. Like what are some of the games you grew up with? Maybe ''Wrecking Crew'' on the NES, or ''After Burner'' on the Sega Master System, or, how about, game number 1 on the Odyssey?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Now let's try the skiing game. All you do is move the light through the slopes, and with these controllers, it's harder than it looks. The only goal is to stay in the line and see how fast you can get to the end. It's up to the other player to keep time. Now THAT is what you would call a ''desperate'' attempt at a video game.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': This one's called &quot;Analogic&quot;. Yeah, that sounds fun: It's like the logic in your ass. It's supposed to take place in outer space. You each start on your own planet. I guess maybe Uranus and My-anus!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(talking about the name-the-United-State game)'' I also love how the instructions tell you that Alaska and Hawaii aren't really down there ''(below the 48 consecutive states)''. Hey, Nerdy Turd, did you know that Hawaii isn't really south of Texas?
:'''Nerdy Turd:''' ''(raspberry)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': So now, let's see what the Odyssey Gun looks like. ''(removes the peripheral, resembling an authentic rifle, out of its box)'' Well, the Odyssey doesn't fuck around. I mean, this is what you'd call a ''gun''. I mean look at it! It's a gun! It's a fucking rifle! I mean, they could never get away with this nowadays! You could never, ever... it ju- it just blows my mind that there could exist a video game console that has a gun like this! ''(expresses happiness)'' Let's try it out! (hooks up the Odyssey gun and fires it, accidentally shooting a hole in his TV screen)

=== [[w:List of X-Men video games|X-Men]] ===
:'''AVGN''': Anyway, with a concept like ''X-Men'', you'd expect a great game. Or at least, a fairly decent game. All the characters and powers and shit... How hard could it be? Well, we are doomed from the very start. Take a look: ''(holds up ''[[w:The Uncanny X-Men (video game)|The Uncanny X-Men]]'' for NES)'' Somebody makes an ''X-Men'' game for Nintendo, why in the love of fuck does it have to be [[w:LJN|LJN]]? You take one look at that logo, and you just know: There is no gold at the end of that rainbow, because this, my friends, is the unholy stamp of death.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': How I can be frozen with a character that's called Iceman? I'd be better off with Iceman from ''Top Gun''.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The X-Men game I remember most fondly is the [[w:X-Men (1992 video game)|arcade]] by Konami. Some versions have six players and a double panoramic screen. It was extremely monotonous, but satisfying as all Hell.
:'''Magneto''': X-Men, welcome to die!
:'''AVGN''': Welcome to die? Okay. It was a classic style beat 'em up, and one of the best in that category. Only problem: it was never released on a home console. It suffered the same fate as Konami's Simpsons game. Some might say these games would have been butchered on their home counterparts, but if you look at how well Turtles in Time fared on the Super NES, it only raises the question: &quot;Why the fuck not do the same to X-Men and Simpsons?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': When it comes to X-Men games, that's how I recommended. But the two NES versions? Stay away. Stay away as far as possible. They suck. They suck balls! This one sucks my left ball, this one sucks my right ball! WELCOME TO DIE! ''(destroys the NES games with laser beams from his eyes)''

=== [[w:Terminator video games|The Terminator]] ===
:''[Terminator-styled AVGN intro, followed by the Nerd picking up the NES &quot;Terminator&quot; cartridge. He uses Terminator vision to choose from a selection of responses: &quot;This sucks!&quot;, &quot;No way!&quot;, &quot;Oh no!&quot;, &quot;What a piece of fucking dog shit!&quot; and &quot;Go to Hell!&quot;. He settles on &quot;What a piece of fucking dog shit!&quot;]''
:'''The Nerd''': What a piece of fuckin dog shit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[He returns to NES Terminator after mining lives by attaching a wrench to the controller]'' Alright, I'm back. I'm all refreshed, ready to play some more ''Terminator'' with all new extra lives. All 6 of 'em... ''[The Nerd stops after he finds out that he still only has 6 lives]'' ''(shocked)'' 6? '''''Only 6?!'''''  OK, I gotta be honest. It's only one digit, I didn't expect more than nine. But why a random number like 6?! That means that some fucked up masochist actually programmed it that way, and made a decision, &quot;Hmm, let's see. Well, anything more than 6, that's too much.&quot; Fuckin' asshole! The only thing I can think of now, is to wait 'til you die 5 times and do it again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing the SNES game]'' After such a long sprint, you'd think that thing was maybe the boss, but no, how naïve. So you keep running this everlasting shitty marathon, shooting shit and getting shit shot at you. Eventually you come to the boss, right? It's certainly big enough to be the boss, and it certainly took long enough to get this far. I'm gonna say it's the boss. Come on, die! Die! Yeah, alright, that's it. What now? What? Are you fucking kidding me? Holy mother in fucking God shit holy mackerel gosh damn, how is it not over yet?! How long could this first level possibly go?! Unless maybe the whole game is like this! I just can't fuckin' believe it! So I died, like anybody would. Game Over. First level goes on forever. Can't beat it. End of story. The game's impossible.

=== [[w:Terminator video games|Terminator 2: Judgement Day]] ===

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''[on ''Terminator 2'' on SNES]'' All I can say is, my ''God,'' the control is ''so'' bad. It's so stiff, and you can't punch anyone when they're too close. But check out the jump. What is that good for? It's like he's a marionette, or he's being hanged by an invisible rope. ''(The Terminator hops forward awkwardly)'' Like, holy Lord, that is some fuck right there. Look at him go! Wooo, wooo, wooo! ''(chuckling)'' Oh, God. I can't see the reasoning behind it. You can't make something that funny by accident. They took somebody as badass as the Terminator, and made him into a mockery. It's a fuckin' joke! And I'm not just doin' this to be funny, it's because of how slow he walks. The only way to go any faster is to hop around like a fuckin' idiot.

=== [[w:Transformers: Convoy no Nazo|Transformers]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': Let me ask a question. What kind of format do you usually play video games on? Cartridges, CDs, cards, floppy disks... how about an audio cassette? Isn't that just a weird thought to play a game on a friggin' cassette tape? This is Transformers for the Commodore 64, the computer that is most definitely more than meets the eye.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[reviewing ''[[w:The Transformers (1986 video game)|Transformers]]'' on the Commodore 64]'' By the way, I'm at a farm with a dinosaur stepping on a space shuttle. I have no comment.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Wouldn't you think that a game based on the Transformers would have more emphasis on action rather than this strategic simulation thing? Well, guess what? There was a Transformers game that was a side-scroller. But only in Japan. Let me introduce the Nintendo Famicom. Simply put, this is the Japanese [[w:Nintendo Entertainment System|NES]]. Very different from that gray box, isn't it? This one's smaller and it's a top-loader. It has a nice dust tray. And the controller's attached to the console, which is efficient. But the wires are too short, and they're hardwired into the console, so you can never change them. The controllers are the same; Select, Start, B, A. But the second controller, instead of Select and Start, it has a microphone. Very few games utilized this. From what I understand, in The Legend of Zelda, you kill Pols Voice by making a loud noise into the mic. Of course that's only in the Japanese version, but the manual still says that Pols Voice hates loud noises, which only mystified players outside of Japan. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[reviewing &quot;Transformers: Convoy no Nazo&quot;]'' Everything's so small, so fast, and moves at such irregular patterns, hitting your mark is like trying to piss into a shot glass that's spinning on a record player that's strapped to a running cheetah's back while you're riding a unicycle on a tightrope blindfolded.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[the Nerd is fighting the boss battle against [[w:Megatron (Transformers)|Megatron]] in stage nine.]''
:'''The Nerd''': It's the end of the road, Megatron!  UUNNNHH! '''HUUAAH!''' '''''HUNNNGGHH!'''''! Come on, come on, die! Hugh! ''[defeats Megatron]'' BOOM! Yeeeaaaah!!! Now that's some intense shit right there. In conclusion, all I can say about this game--
:''[as the Nerd is talking, the level startup music plays and the stage theme begins playing again, this time for the tenth and final stage. The Nerd pauses the game in disbelief.]''
:'''The Nerd''': Stage ''ten?'' I fuckin' beat Megatron, who the hell could be next? Fuckin' &quot;stage ten&quot;, my ass! I'm guessing if Megatron's not the final boss, it's gotta be [[w:Galvatron|Galvatron]] or maybe [[w:Unicron|Unicron]] or Fuckitron, who knows. 
:''[the final boss of the game is [[w:Trypticon|Trypticon]], who is in his form that makes him strongly resemble [[w:Mechagodzilla|Mecha-Godzilla]].]''
:'''The Nerd''': Oh. It's Mecha-Godzilla. Of course. I should've known.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So now, is it any wonder why this game was never released outside of Japan? ''''''CAUSE NOBODY ELSE WANTS TO PLAY THIS FUCKIN' SHIT!''''' Well, I gotta do what I gotta do. ''[points the Zapper at the Famicom]'' One shall stand, one shall-- ''[the Famicom transforms into Optimus Prime.]'' Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa. Who are you?
:'''Optimus Prime:''' My name is Optimus Prime.
:'''The Nerd''': Well, you don't look anything like-- ''[Optimus blasts the Nerd with a laser]'' '''''Ugh!'''''
:'''Optimus Prime:''' ''[using audio from ''[[w:The Transformers: The Movie|The Transformers: The Movie]]'']'' (You, who are without mercy, now plead for it?) I thought you were made of sterner stuff.

=== [[w:Mario is Missing|Mario Is Missing]] ===

:'''AVGN''': What's this say? &quot;Koopas seem to have gotten clean away with King Kong&quot;? Are you telling me you're supposed to return [[w:King Kong|King Kong]] to the [[w:Empire State Building|Empire State Building]]? This blows my mind on '''so''' many levels. First of all, how did the Koopas capture King Kong? Second, why is New York City concerned that King Kong was stolen from the Empire State Building? Remember when the planes were tryin' to shoot him down? Isn't it pretty clear they want Kong '''''off''''' the building? Third, if this is supposed to be an educational game teaching us things that belong to New York City, '''''WHY IN THE HOLY MOTHER OF FUCK DID THEY CHOOSE A GIANT APE THAT DOESN'T EVEN EXIST?!''''' Fourth, the bag. Okay, King Kong is like, 50 feet tall or somethin'? But in this game, they made him out to be, like, 1,500 feet. How big ''is'' he exactly? Well, if bigger than the Empire State Building isn't a good enough analogy, then let's just say, '''''A LOT BIGGER THAN THAT FUCKIN' BAG!''''' And fifth, I can't grasp the concept that King Kong is in a ''Mario'' game, the same character that was a direct inspiration for Donkey Kong, who also appeared in games with the Mario character. Are we running into some kinda paradox here or what?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': There's sort of like a help desk where you're supposed to return the object or the landmark or whatever, but the lady at the window won't talk to you unless you call Yoshi to come and give ya an extra boost. Okay, so are you telling me that the reason that stupid bitch won't talk to you at first is because Luigi is too short to reach the window? For fuck's sake, he can jump higher than the shittin' thing! How stupid do they think we are?! &quot;'''Use Yoshi to reach the help desk'''&quot;. Well, how about use my greasy Italian plumber cock to whack you across the fuckin' face!?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': You know what? Educate me. '''Please''' educate me. Because, I'm goin' through sensory deprivation! I'm so fuckin' bored I'd rather go back to school than play this shit!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Educational or not, these games are '''''horrible''''' abominations of space and time that give insult to the very fabric of nature itself! In other words... they suck.

=== [[w:Plumbers Don't Wear Ties|Plumbers Don't Wear Ties]] ===

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I remember in the early '90s seeing commercials for the 3DO. It was advertised as the most advanced game system and it forced itself right into your face, like: &quot;If you don't get this thing, you're gonna get left in the dust.&quot; It even went out of its way to insult Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis, saying that those are just baby toys. Well, everybody I knew had those &quot;baby toys&quot; and nobody--I repeat, NOBODY, I have ever met owned a 3DO. Probably because its price in the US was $700. I mean, FUCK. But you better buy it, because this is the real gaming console. That was its slogan, REAL, because it's a real pieceashit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Well, the game is called &quot;Plumbers Don't Wear Ties&quot;, so I guess it makes sense. He's a plumber, and I don't see him wearing a tie. ''(The moment he says tie, John is shown wearing a tie.)'' ''What the fuck?'' You can't even trust the fuckingdamn title!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Thresher:''' You know, perhaps something can be worked out after all. ... Take your clothes off, Jane.
:'''AVGN''': Oh shit.
:'''Thresher:''' You know, we get at least 200 qualified applicants for every position here. It's those people who do that little extra thing. They're the ones who get head-I mean get ahead.
:'''AVGN''': Oh, what a bad joke. It doesn't even have any relevance now. He just told her to take off her clothes. He might as well say straight out, &quot;Suck my cock.&quot;
:'''Thresher:''' TAKE YOUR DAMN CLOTHES OFF!
:'''AVGN''': What a pervert! And what's with all the filters? ''(wrong answer sound effect plays)''
:'''Narrator''': Now see how your sick curiosity led Jane into this mess?
:'''AVGN''': Time for another decision. Either she refuses to take off her clothes, or she accepts. Now, wait a minute. The first decision says, &quot;Our heroine declines the disgusting proposal!&quot; But in the image, she seems to be taking off her clothes. While running away, but still. It doesn't make any sense. Did they swap the images by accident? So let's go with the more interesting choice. ''(Jane is now shown undressed, holding a whip and handcuffs)'' ''Damn!'' She just happened to have a whip and handcuffs?! ''(imitating Thresher)'' Wow, I'd no idea she'd actually do it! ''(Jane now has Thresher, in his underwear, on his knees in an S&amp;M position. The Nerd is utterly shocked by this scene.)'' WHAT KIND OF FUCKED-UP GAME IS THIS!!? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Now for the final choice. Either, &quot;'''I want the Hollywood ending!'''&quot; or &quot;'''Gimme something different.'''&quot; Yeah, you know what? Give me something different. Give me a different fuckin' game! ''(tosses the game away)'' This is one of the worst things I have ever seen in my life. On the box, it says, &quot;Plays like a game...but feels like a MOVIE!!!&quot; Well that's horse shit. It does not play like a game, and it ''certainly'' does not feel like a movie. It's a slideshow that verges on being softcore porn. But it isn't that either! ''(video goes into different still photos of the Nerd with filters and crazy objects inserted.)'' It's like some kind of experimental art project. If I just made a bunch of shit and put all kinds of filters on it, that would be the same as this miserable pile of fuck. It would also be the same to go take a shit on a piece of toast on top of a roof while wearing a fish mask singing I’m Too Sexy.

=== [[w:The Bugs Bunny Crazy Castle|The Bugs Bunny Crazy Castle]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': All right. That's it. I'm done with this game. I'd rather press my face against a hippopotamus' butt while it muck-spreads! That's when a hippo takes a shit; rather than allowing the shit to drop from its anus, it presses its tail against its ass crack, waving it back and forth, shredding the shit all over the place! That's as much fun as this game is, like putting a turd in a fan or a band saw. You just don't do it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Come on, I thought toons like to get beat up!
:'''Bugs Bunny:''' We do, doc. But you know what we don't like? Getting shit on the '''FUCKIN' ''FACE!!'''''

=== [[w:Super Pitfall|Super Pitfall!]] ===
:'''AVGN''': ''[At the beginning of the game, Pitfall Harry climbs down the first ladder and dies]'' Nice. Fucking beautiful. The first ladder you see drops you into a pit where you get killed by a bird or a bat, whatever it is. And even if it wasn't there, I'd fall on the spikes. So it's basically death insurance. &quot;Let's put every kind of obstacle we can possibly think of in the very beginning of the game.&quot; You know, I'm disappointed. Couldn't there have been lava on top of the spikes, with fire sharks swimming in it? Couldn't there be more spikes coming from the sides ready to close in and squash me while stabbing at the same time? How 'bout some laser cannons and upside down volcanoes? You want to be even more efficient? Why even have the ladder? Why not just start the game falling down the pit? Fuckin' assholes! [sighs] Talk about a beginner's trap. They sure nailed it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': So we're jumping around in thin air, trying to find different suits, like spades, hearts and diamonds. What purpose does this have? I found the princess... does he need to play Poker with her or something?

=== [[w:Godzilla video games|Godzilla]] ===

:'''AVGN''': ''(failing to defeat [[wikipedia:Mechagodzilla|Mechagodzilla]]]'' THAT FUCKIN' TIME LIMIT! THAT MOTHERFUCKIN'-SHIT-SUCKIN' TIME LIMIT! It's not even like there's a counter! It's like the game just pulls the plug! Like: &quot;Oh, you're gonna win? Well not anymore, ya ass-backed fecal-fucker shit-faced anus brain!&quot; The game cheats. That's it. That's all there is to it. The game fuckin' cheats.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(reviewing ''[[w:Godzilla (Game Boy)|Godzilla]]'' on Game Boy)'' How could they do this to the king of the monsters!? They might as well have Godzilla in a clown suit jumping on a pogo stick. I'm not even gonna waste my time with this shit. The best way to sum this up is to recite a very famous quote from [[w:William Shakespeare|William Shakespeare]]: &quot;Fuck it!&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': 15 years later, I'm still pissed. All I wanted was a good Godzilla game, but my childhood passed me by, and I never got it. [He drinks beer] But nowadays, there's plenty of Godzilla games: ''[[w:Godzilla: Destroy All Monsters Melee|Godzilla Destroy All Monsters Melee]]'', ''[[w:Godzilla: Save the Earth|Godzilla: Save the Earth]]'', and ''[[w:Godzilla: Unleashed|Godzilla: Unleashed]]''. This is after my time. I don't know anything about this here PlayStation 2 and Xbox shit. But I'm gonna give it a try.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(Comparing modern-day ''Godzilla'' games to the above titles)'' These games suck Baragon's sweaty ballsack! I'd rather get an electric shock from suckin' Mecha-Godzilla's mechanical wiener! These games are ''shit, drizzling'' out of the Smog Monster's rancid putrid a-hole! And then, being swallowed and barfed up by Anguirus while I lay on his spikes getting Gigan's buzzsaw up my ass, ''while Destoroyah dumps his diabolical diarrhea all over my face!'' Man, it's just a bunch of fuck, it's a pile of cunt, fuck, shit, fuck...cunt...fuck..Goddammit! I just said &quot;fuck&quot; from the bottom of my heart and I said every curse that there is. There's nothing left. So, you know what? Somebody's gotta invent a new curse word. I think I got it. This game, these fuckin' games are... ''SCUNT!!!'' Oh, yeah. It's that bad.

=== [[w:Wayne's World (video game)|Wayne's World]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' The enemies are the most cliché you could possibly think of. When would Wayne and Garth ever be fighting spiders and ninjas? Who cares, right? As long as the game says ''Wayne's World,'' kids will want it.
:'''Noah Vanderhoff:''' Kids know dick.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Every time he gets hit, he says &quot;NOT!&quot;
:'''Wayne:''' '''''NOT!'''''
:'''The Nerd:''' That doesn't make any sense. What is he saying &quot;not&quot; to? Usually, the word &quot;not&quot; follows a sarcastic statement. It's like explaining it to [[w:Borat|Borat]].
:'''Borat:''' And this suit is ''not'' black!
:'''Borat's Therapist:''' No, no, &quot;not&quot; has to be the end.
:'''Borat:''' OK, OK, this suit is black not.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Well, I can't beat the first level, so I'm done with this game!... Well, there ''is'' a code.
:'''Benjamin:''' I did not realize that. Russell, did you realize that?
:'''Russell Finley:''' No, I did not realize that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' And could you guess the boss in this level? Would you expect anything different than... a giant donut?
:'''Wayne:''' Aaaahahahahaha! Yeah! Hahaha!

=== [[w:Castlevania (video game)|Castlevania Part One]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': What in the unholy name of ass is this fuckness? ''[looks at the script and fuckness is displayed as an invalid word]'' Oh, wait, that's not a word? Well, it should be. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Hmm. &quot;'''Trans Fishers'''&quot;? That reminds me of [[w:Terence Fisher|Terence Fisher]], the director of many of the hammer horror films. That's a funny coincidence. Oh, wait. &quot;'''Vran Stoker'''&quot;? Like [[w:Bram Stoker|Bram Stoker]], the author of ''[[w:Dracula|Dracula]]''? Wha-- &quot;'''Christopher Bee'''&quot;? Is it a joke? I don't get it! Are they saying [[w:Christopher Lee|Christopher Lee]] is like a bee? ''[Bee with a face like Christopher Lee's comes buzzing by]'' No, they can't mean that. This is probably just a series of strangely coincidental typos. &quot;'''[[w:Béla Lugosi|Belo Lugosi]]'''&quot;? &quot;'''[[w:Boris Karloff|Boris Karloffice]]'''&quot;? They're just fuckin' around. &quot;'''[[w:Lon_Chaney, Jr.|Love Chaney Jr.]]'''&quot;? &quot;'''[[w:Max Schreck|Mix Schrecks]]'''&quot;? &quot;'''[[w:Glenn Strange|Green Stranger]]'''&quot;? Is this supposed to be funny? Like, just to take a celebrity's name and change it around? That's like if I took the name [[w:Steven Spielberg|Steven Spielberg]] and called him &quot;'''Steven Gielberg'''&quot;. Like, that's not funny, that's kindergarten level! No, kindergarten students don't find that funny! Aliens don't find that funny! Well, anyway, that's ''Castlevania'' for you. Good game, but holy fuck, is it hard. Now, as promised, we're gonna plow through the rest of 'em, all the old-school Castlevania games. The ones that I grew up w--
:''[the '''&quot;WHAT A HORRIBLE NIGHT TO HAVE A CURSE.&quot;''' box from ''Castlevania II: Simon's Quest'' appears in front of the Nerd, interrupting him. The box disappears a few seconds later, and a day-to-night transition in the style of the said game is shown. Then the &quot;Monster Dance Theme&quot; plays and the Nerd's room looks darker than before. The Nerd notices the cartridge of said game]''
:'''The Nerd''': Not that one. Next on our list, is ''Castlevania III,'' which in many ways is the true follow-up--
:''[&quot;Monster Dance Theme&quot; plays and cartridge is shown again]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''No.'' I already reviewed that game. So, anyway--
:''[&quot;Monster Dance Theme&quot; music plays and cartridge is shown again]''
:'''The Nerd''': No.
:''[&quot;Monster Dance Theme&quot; plays and cartridge is shown again]''
:'''The Nerd''': Stop.
:''[&quot;Monster Dance Theme&quot; plays and cartridge is shown again]''
:'''The Nerd''': Stop!
:''[&quot;Monster Dance Theme&quot; plays and cartridge is shown again]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[annoyed]'' '''''STOP!'''''
:''[&quot;Monster Dance Theme&quot; plays and cartridge is shown yet again, and the Nerd looks at ''Castlevania III,'' and then back at ''Castlevania II,'' and &quot;To Be Continued...&quot; appears.]''

=== [[w:CastleVania|CastleVania Part Two]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': It goes back to the basic style of the first game, but has two main innovations. The first thing, you often come to a fork in the road where you get to choose which path to take. The other thing is that you get to play as other characters, whom you meet along the way. There's Grant, who climbs on walls, Sypha, who has magic spells, and Alucard, who can turn into a bat, but you need enough hearts to do it. Alucard happens to be Dracula's son. The name Alucard's Dracula spelled backwards, and it came from the 1943 movie, ''Son of Dracula.''
:'''Dracula''': Announce Count Alucard.
:'''Harry Brewster''': D-R-A-C--
:'''Frank Stanley''': What are you mumbling about?
:'''Harry Brewster''': Nothing, nothing. Just a silly idea hit me.

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:'''The Nerd:''' If there's any game which puts you in a bad mood, it's ''CastleVania III.'' You know, like if you want a game that'll '''''piss you off,''''' putting this game in your Nintendo is like running open-armed out into a rainstorm of piss. You wanna go balls to the wall? Well, there's one way to put your balls to the wall, and that's to stick your dick into an electric outlet. You wanna play shit tennis with an orangutan while having your head up a '''''hyena's asshole?!''''' Well, good luck. Well, that finishes off the '''CastleVania''' trilogy, but there's more memories to be shared. 'Cause Dracula never dies, Halloween is goin' overtime, it's a ''CastleVania''-thon! ''[howls like a wolf]''

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:''[blooper]''
:'''James D. Rolfe''': This game is like playing shit tennis, with an orangutan, while havin' a hyena's head up your ass! ''[cracks a smile]'' Or ''your'' head up ''it's'' ass! And-- ''[breaks character and laughs]''

=== [[w:Castlevania|Castlevania Part Three]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' When the 1980s came to an end, the ''Castlevania'' trilogy was already edged into my mind as classic. It was the arcitype of both the action and horror genres and a masterpiece in side-scrolling gaming. Roughly at the turn of the decade came the 16-bit era. I had no idea that it could actually get better. In 1991, ''Castlevania'' made its transition to the new Super Nintendo. But this wasn't just ''Castlevania IV.'' Oh, no. This was '''''Super''' Castlevania IV'', and well worthy of that title. The graphics and sound just blew my fucking balls off. The haunting and chilling atmosphere of the old games was now like a walk through the park with the Care Bears. This time, I was ''really'' getting scared.

=== [[w:Castlevania|Castlevania Part Four]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' That's what you call ''Castlevania.'' Traditional side-scrolling action. Familiar, yet fresh. It takes place all over Europe rather than just strictly in Transylvania. You get a choice of two characters; John Morris and Eric Lecarde. I wonder what happened to the Belmonts? Who are these people? Well, supposedly, John Morris is the son of Quincy Morris from ''Dracula'', the Bram Stoker novel. (cut to him IRL) That just blew my mind! It's like now we're bringing the novel into it? So the whole canon of the games is now with the canon of the book, and... it's like taking two cannons and putting them together!

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:'''The Nerd:''' What are these, skeletons shooting lasers out their cocks?

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:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;ANALBAG&quot;, that's me.

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:'''The Nerd''' In ''Dawn of Sorrow,'' Dracula's castle emerges from a solar eclipse in Japan. I thought that Japan had enough trouble with Godzilla stomping around. Now they have Dracula, too?

=== [[w:Little Red Hood|Little Red Hood]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' You're familiar with the story, right? It goes somethin' like this. Once upon a time, there was a girl named Little Red Riding Hood. She liked to jump in the air and whistle out her vagina. She kicked at trees until Big Bird's ballsack would appear. What, that's not the story? Oh, well excuse me, 'cause this isn't ''Little Red Riding Hood''. This is ''Little '''RED''' Hood''.

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:'''The Nerd:''' The only thing you might be wondering now, is what on Earth does this have to do with the story of ''Little Red Riding Hood''? Well... I'll tell ya. '''''Absolutely fuckin' nothing.'''''

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:'''The Nerd:''' The music never changes. Every level is the same frothy sound of crackling ass!

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:'''The Nerd:''' It's just, so random... Y'know, how many times have I used the word &quot;random&quot; and &quot;appear&quot;? But that's exactly what's happening. Stuff appears, or doesn't appear, or randomly does something else. I feel like a guinea pig in an experiment where they're testing the effects of negative reinforcement. Let's see what happens if we take the key away... It's 20 years late, but whoever you are, and if you wanna know what the effect is, [[Ghostbusters|I'll tell ya the effect: IT'S FUCKIN' PISSING ME OFF!]]

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:'''The Nerd:''' But the most fucked-up level of all, is Level 8. Here, the key never appears. Just, never. It never appears. I played this stage for about an hour, before I eventually looked up an online walkthrough from someone who probably had more time to spare than me, and guess what? In this stage, the key doesn't appear, until you buy an invincibility potion and three slingshots! '''''HOW WOULD ANYBODY KNOW TO DO THAT?!''''' You go through the whole game, all of a sudden they throw you a curve ball and change the fuckin' rules!

=== [[w:Winter Games|Winter Games]] ===
:''[&quot;Dance of the Sugarplum Fairies&quot; plays in the background]''
:'''The Nerd''': It's winter. It's fucking cold. We're playing some ''Winter Games''. But anyway, let me get the greeting outta the way. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, happy... everybody! Happy holidays. And if you have a problem with &quot;Happy Holidays&quot;, then happy shut-the-fuck-up. But there ain't nothing happy about this shit.

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[horrible 8-bit background music]'' How do you like that music? Listen. ''[commenting on the music at the end of the Speed Skating event]'' Exquisite. ''[sarcastically]'' Isn't that the most beautiful, radiant sound that has ever been blessed upon your soul? Its exuberant tonality harmoniously blends the dying squeals of electronic goats with the melodic rapture of diarrhea bubbling from a coyote's crap-hole.

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing the Figure Skating event]'' I'm not even kidding, but if I were to give out an award, a big shit-dripping trophy for the worst controls ''ever'' in a video game, I think it would go to this! I mean look at it! I've never seen anything this unresponsive! I'm hitting every button combination possible! You know, all it needs to be said about ''Winter Games'' is that you push buttons. That's all it is. How's ''Winter Games?'' You ever play ''Winter Games?'' Yeah, you push buttons. That's it. Go like this! You're playing ''Winter Games!'' ''[footage of [[The Wizard]] is shown]'' You ever watch a movie where someone's pretending to play a video game, but you tell they're just acting; they're just going like this? They're playing ''Winter Games.'' Yeah. Who programmed this thing? Maybe it was Fred Fucks.

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:'''The Nerd''': '''''THIS IS A BLIZZARD OF BALLS!!! I can't believe humanity was capable of degrading itself so low as to produce such insulting catastrophe of ass!!''''' ''[reads caution label on the back of the cartridge (said caution label is only on some unlicensed NES games)]'' &quot;Do not store in extreme temperatures. Do not immerse in water. Do not clean with benzene, thinner, alcohol, or other such solvents. Do not hit or drop cartridge. Do not attempt to disassemble.&quot; ''[proceeds to do to the cartridge each of the things the caution label advises against]'' Like that? ''[places the remains of the cartridge into the crackling fireplace, where it catches fire and starts to melt]'' '''''BURN, MOTHERFUCKER, BURRRN!!! YEAAAAH!'''''

=== [[w:Street Fighter 2010|Street Fighter 2010]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Wanna play some games? Wanna play some shitty games? ...Well hang on just a second, I gotta go get my mail. ''(The Nerd steps out of his house to find it and the rest of the scenery in the scene is swarming with graphics from ''Street Fighter 2010''.)'' What the hell is all this shit!? There's metallic sea sponges everywhere! There's titanium rocket jockstraps! Headless parrots with bottle caps! Floating eyeballs entrapped in glass lids! How is this all happening? OH, ah-of course! It's the year 2010! Holy shit! This was all foreseen in the game ''Street Fighter 2010''!

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:'''AVGN''': Remember how futuristic the year 2000 seemed? My whole childhood, it seemed like every movie, every video game - it was always &quot;2000&quot;. It sounded so high-tech and so far away. But now, fuck that! It's the ten-year anniversary of the year 2000. ''(referring to ''[[w:Back to the Future Part II|Back to the Future Part II]]'s'' depiction of the year 2015)'' In five years, we're gonna have flying cars and hoverboards and self-lacing shoes... It better happen. Otherwise they should have made it the year 3000. Even if they made it 2100, we'd all be dead; it wouldn't make a difference anyway! Better to be a mystery than to be wrong!

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:'''AVGN''': Who would've thought that Street Fighter's past lied in the future, which is now the present? Let's take a look at this. I can only imagine, we're gonna be Tiger Uppercutting through space and time, we're gonna be throwing Sonic Booms on the moon, Hadoukens up Uranus! Fuck ''[[w:Street Fighter IV|Street Fighter IV]]'', this is ''Street Fighter 2010!''

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:'''AVGN''': What the hell is this poop-plastered, shit-smothered piece of fuck? And what does it have to do with ''Street Fighter''?

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:'''AVGN''': ''(commenting on the cover illustration of ''[[w:Fighting Street|Fighting Street]]'', showing [[w:Ryu_(Street_Fighter)|Ryu]] in front of [[w:Mt. Rushmore|Mt. Rushmore]])'' To be even more elusive, they changed the fucking title to ''Fighting Street''! That doesn't make any sense! But at least you get to play as classic characters such as Ryu, [[w:George Washington|George Washington]], and [[w:Abraham Lincoln|Abe Lincoln]].

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:'''AVGN''': The final boss looks like a big, blistering ball sack that swallowed Grimace. His only weak spot is the face. The ideal strategy is to climb on the wall and keep shooting, but your beam doesn't reach. Not without full powerups. You can try jumping off and shooting, but that takes too long. You don't have time. When you're plowing through the stage, you gotta stop and get all the powerups. But that wastes time too! But you gotta do it! You gotta somehow make it all happen! You can't beat one boss flawlessly but then fuck up a little on the next one. You gotta: 1) Beat all the bosses without getting hurt too much, 2) Get all the power-ups, and 3) Do it fast as shit. All in one perfect run. But once you do it, man, you're on the fucking top of the world. Yeah, boom, BOOM! [Imitates explosions as he beats the game] And that, my friends, is Street Fighter 2010. That's all I have to say. So happy new year, happy new decade... am I forgetting anything? ... Yeah. Forgot my fucking mail. [He walks then the screen zooms that says &quot;THE END.&quot;]

=== [[w:Hydlide|Hydlide]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Ugh, ''Hydlide''! Just saying the name gives you a gag reflex like you're about to puke! ''HYDLIDE''! Sounds so wretched and foul!

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:'''AVGN''': Picking up a game like this, in itself, is like embarking on an adventure. You can stick to the familiar NES classics, or you can be a brave explorer and search the unknown. You might uncover a gem, or a turd covered in vomit. And this is a turd covered in vomit.

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:'''AVGN''': There's no skill involved. You'll never know whether or not you're hitting the monster or the monster's hitting you. It's just as random as rolling the dice or [[w:American Movie|playing the lottery; sometimes you win, and sometimes you lose. But I guess it's better than using drugs or alcohol because with drugs and alcohol, especially drugs, you always lose.]]

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:'''AVGN''': Anyway, I got the Lantern. Now I'm going back to that dark cave to figure out what the fuck was killing me...I don't see anything! So that only concludes there was nothing. That's a cheat if I ever saw one. The game kills you with NOTHING!!

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:'''AVGN''': That's what you get for reaching into the dark depths of the NES library. You might as well be reaching into a dog's asshole, 'cause all you're going to find is shit.

=== [[w:Ninja Gaiden (Nintendo Entertainment System)|Ninja Gaiden]] ===
:'''Ninja:''' You are as slow as sloth taking shit! 

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:'''The Nerd''': Nunchaku-fuck!

=== [[w:Swordquest|Swordquest]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(commenting on Atari's promotion of the &quot;SwordQuest&quot; series via $150,000 worth of ornately crafted and decorated fantasy items, which players back in the day could win by playing the games, finding and deciphering in-game clues, and sending them to Atari)'' Not since the medieval times have I heard of a treasure quest of this magnitude! It gets you really excited to play the games, so that's what I call a promotion: You'd be wearing your ''SwordQuest'' T-shirt, with your comic books and posters, drinking out of your gold chalice with your crown, philosopher's stone, and sword, and not to mention your ''SwordQuest'' video gaming cartridges exclusive from Atari.

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:'''The Nerd:''' ''(playing the &quot;Earthworld&quot; installment)'' Every time you go to the next room, it sounds like an explosion. That's what's so great about Atari: Something as simple as going through a door is an event.

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:'''The Nerd:''' Now, what can that mean? Hmm... 16-4... The comic book. ''(Picks up the book and opens up the page)'' Page 16, Panel 4. I don't see anything... What-- ''[Reveals a hidden word]'' Wow. ''(He writes down the word and continues playing and finding more clues)'' There's 10 hidden words, and they're supposed to make a sentence. But five of them are bogus. The only way to figure out which are the right words is to find a subliminal hint on the first page. The words prime and number are a different color than the rest, so this means you only use the clues that are prime numbers. Lemme tell you, in 1982, people had a lot of time on their hands and a lot of creativity to figure this out. Out of 5,000 entries, only 8 gamers got the right sentence. The winner was 20-year old Steven Bell. Good work, man!

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:'''The Nerd:''' ''(playing the &quot;Fireworld&quot; installment)'' What are we doing here, hitting birds with a pole? Throwing knives? Now you're actually steering the knives into a, uh, turkey club sandwich. This part, you're like a black eagle shooting bullets at snakes! All with glorious Atari sound effects.

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:'''The Nerd:''' ''(referring to general suspicions that the remaining three un-awarded treasures of the &quot;SwordQuest&quot; contest, including the planned grand prize, a gold-and-jewel-encrusted sword, is in possession of [[w:Jack Tramiel|Jack Tramiel]], who had bought Atari after [[w:North American video game crash of 1983|the infamous video game crash of 1983]])'' Somebody's gotta find out. The '''real''' ''SwordQuest'' is the quest for that sword and the other treasures. They belong in the hands of gamers who earn them. You know, everybody who put those games in their Ataris had a chance of winning. It was something to dream about. But that dream's been thrown about the toilet. It's 30 years later, but I say the contest must go on. Finish the last game! You can't have earth, fire, and water without air! The balance of the cosmos must be restored, the true bearer of that sword ''must'' be found! The Kingdom of Nerddom depends on it!

=== [[w:Pong|Pong Consoles]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Pong. A simple word. A simple idea. It's just Pong. It was one of the first video arcades, from 1972. A simple screen mounted inside what looked like a carved tree stump. You could call this the &quot;Wooden Age&quot; of video games, when everything was made of wood, and two people playing tennis looked like two glow sticks batting a square ball back and forth. Yeah, this is before circles were invented.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I thought it was fun. Apparently, people thought so too back then. So that's why they made a home pong console so you can play it at home, and then, there was another one... and another one... and another one! AND ANOTHER ONE! AND ANOTHER ONE! ''AND ANOTHER ONE!'' There was like nine million fucking pong consoles!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': This might be a good time to bring up that most of these old consoles have a connector that looks like [[wikipedia:RCA_connector|this]]. You have to plug them into a box, and screw the box into your TV. But I say get yourself one of these [an adapter], plug it into the coaxial unit on your TV, plug the game in, and tell that box to go fuck itself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The Sears Super Pong Telegame. Simple enough, two little knobs for controllers, works alright, basic Pong, you got four different kinds of Pong, like... what the hell is this? &quot;Reverse Pong&quot;? Okay, now what's this, &quot;Asshole Pong&quot;? That's not fair.

&lt;hr width+&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''':  Well, that's Pong for ya. All these different consoles goes to show how such a simple game could become such a hot-selling franchise. I could see people thinking 30 years ago &quot;Wow. Pong. This is where it's at! It ain't gonna get any better than this!&quot; Now what's this here, this &quot;Xbox 360?&quot; Some modern game system? I don't know, maybe it has advanced graphics? Might even be in color. Let's check it out. ''[starts playing &quot;[[w:Grand Theft Auto IV|Grand Theft Auto IV]]&quot; as a rock remix of the Angry Video Game Nerd theme plays. Cut to the Nerd with an absolutely amazed expression on his face]''

== Season Five ==

=== [[w:Action 52|Action 52]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': Are you ready for some action? Some ''Action 52?'' I suppose so, because I get requests for this game all the time. Like this one right here: ''[reading a fan email]'' &quot;''Action 52.'' Fuck this game, please do a review on it. You asshole. Thanks.&quot; Wow. I guess I gotta do it now.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Number 5, &quot;Ooze.&quot; Oh, wow, a title screen? Really? ''[starts the game, then sees several green pickle-shaped objects in the background]'' Oh my god, it's...it's... ''[the objects each turn into a Shit Pickle]''
:'''Shit Pickles''': Shitpickleshitpickleshitpickleshit...
:'''The Nerd''': Whoa! Ohh-
:'''Shit Pickles''': Pickle! Shi-i-i-i-i-
:'''The Nerd''': Narlalalala!
:'''Shit Pickles''': Shit pickle!
:'''The Nerd''': Alrighty, then. Well, this is the first game that uses the &quot;B&quot; button. For ''jumping''! Any gamer who grew up with ''Super Mario Bros.'' expects &quot;A&quot; to jump.

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:'''The Nerd''': ''(playing the 7th game, Crytical Bypass)'' &quot;Crytical Bypass&quot;. It's critical that you bypass this game!

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:'''The Nerd''': ''(playing the 20th game, Space Dreams, then learning that safety pins are the enemy)'' Oh, my, what's this gonna be? Why of course! Another space shooter! This time, you're a pacifier shooting at weird dolls, rabbits, and safety pins. ''Safety pins'' as enemies in a video game...Where'd they come up with this stuff?! ''[playing one of the game programmers]'' Gee, what kind of enemy could I have for this game? I have 32 games left I have to program, so I have to hurry up. ''[he picks up a safety pin where it lays on a table]'' Ahhh, safety pin! That'll be perfect! ''[he puts the safety pin down and types in his computer]'' Next game.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing the 22nd game, Spread Fire]'' These kind of games must have been the easiest to design. Take a black background, cover it in dots, and call it space. You know what? It's getting old.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[after playing 25 of the games]'' ...Wow. Twenty-five shitty games, and still going. This is an endurance, man. I've never played such a huge compilation of crap in my life. Was the whole idea to make ''so many shitty games'' that there'd be no more shitty games left to make!? Out of all of these, there's gotta be at least one that's...''tolerable''!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing the 29th game]'' Uh, &quot;Slashers&quot;? I thought it'd be like a horror game. Instead it's a poor man's version of ''Double Dragon''. Saying ''that'' is being extremely generous.
:'''The Nerd''': And what are these, hookers?! I guess this guy doesn't understand the concept of a hooker. You're supposed to fuck her, not fuck her up!

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing the 31st game, Fuzz Power]'' Whoever came up with this is an ''asshole!'' ''[cuts to a fictionalized version of the episode that would be shown on public TV with profanity bleeped out]'' Whoever came up with this is an ''assh***!'' Ass! ''[pause]'' Hole? Assh***! ''[sarcastically]'' Television makes a lot of &quot;sense&quot;.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[after playing 35 of the 52 games]'' I've lost all hope. 52 games, they all probably suck. I can think of some pretty bad games. Like ''Little Red Hood.'' That's a ''horrible'' game. But at least it's ''one'' horrible game! Not ''52!'' You know what's more fun than ''Action 52?'' 52 Card Pickup. You know how you play that? ''[drops a deck of 52 playing cards on the floor]'' Pick up the cards!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Number 36, &quot;Storm over the Desert.&quot; Ooh, another title screen! So, you're an army tank, shooting at other army tanks... which happen to be pink. Also, there's no way to die. Anything you touch will explode. Those pink tanks are fuckin' pussies. ''[a giant [[w:Saddam Hussein|Saddam Hussein]] runs across the screen]'' What the hell?! A giant Saddam Hussein? How'd they fuck up the scale this bad? The soldiers aren't giant, so why's Saddam?

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing the 48th game, Time Warp Tickers]'' You're a pair of fingers in checkerboard-land with upside-down doors. What kind of drugs were they on? Was this game even made by a human being? ''&quot;Time?&quot;''? When you kill things, it says ''&quot;Time?&quot;''? What does that mean? Time to play another fuckin' game?

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[after playing 51 of the 52 games]'' '''''I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY SOLD THIS SHITFEST FOR $199!''''' That's about how much it costs for a video game ''console'', pretty much. You can take $199, stand on a bridge and just throw it all away! You'd rather do ''anything'' than spend it on a broken-down dysfunctional disaster of video game programming! With games that crash, hideous jumping control, random characters, microscopic sprites, a marathon of mediocre space shooters, dying in midair, problems with proportion, misleading titles, misleading power-ups, embarrassing weapons, seizure-inducing backgrounds, lack of enemies, games you can't win, games you can't lose, games that make no sense whatsoever, shitty graphics, shitty music, shitty menus, and a fuck-ton of other things! It should've been ''illegal'' for them to sell this rotten shitload of putrid fuck for any price! I feel humiliated to live on the same planet as someone who designed an electronic abomination of this magnitude! Couldn't they have tried making one ''good'' game, as opposed to 52 ''horrible'' games? Quality over quantity. That's our lesson here. ''[drinks Rolling Rock]'' Well, there's only one game left so it has one last chance to redeem itself. Could this all be the effort went into? Could there be a cherry on top of the shit sundae? We can only hope. ''[begins playing the 52nd game as the credits roll]''

=== [[w:Action 52|Cheetahmen]] ===

:'''AVGN''': They must have put all their focus into this one game, so this one's gotta be good...right? ''(shot of the gameplay from ''Cheetahmen''; the player sprite touches the edge of a pool of water with the top of his head, and instantly dies)'' IT SUCKS - MONKEY - BUTTS - LIKE ALL - THE FUCKIN' - REST!!! ''(drinks Rolling Rock)'' Okay. Let's go.

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:'''AVGN''': ''(playing ''Cheetahmen'' on the Action 52 cartridge, jumping over the giant [[w:Saddam Hussein|Saddam Hussein]] from Storm Over the Desert)'' Dude, think about it: A giant cheetah jumping over Saddam Hussein, whoa! I never thought I'd see that.

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:'''AVGN''': ''(discussing Cheetahmen II)'' I suppose this is the end of Action 52, but!  They made... a Cheetahmen... sequel.  Oh, yeah!  You know how with a bad game, sometimes you wonder how it even made it into stores?  Well, this is a case in which the horror was so unspeakable, the game was never released.  ''(shows stills from the ending of Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark and plays ominous music from the film)''  The cartridges were stored in a warehouse where they remained for years to come.  It was never meant to be played.  Then, in the late 90's, the cartridges were discovered, and became valuable collector's items. ''(stops playing music and showing stills)''  That's a true story.  Except that the real story was probably a little less dramatic than that.  Only 1500 of these games are known to exist and they command ''outrageous'' prices on eBay. I don't know if I should consider myself lucky or...not, but...here it is. (the Nerd reveals the game cartridge in his hand) The unholy grail of gaming. Would you believe that this game is so bad it doesn't even get its own cartridge? They recycled the same plastic casing from Action 52, and put a Cheetahmen II sticker on the back. ''(The cartridge's sticker actually reads &quot;Cheetamen&quot; instead of &quot;Cheetahmen II&quot;.)'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(after defeating the boss in ''Cheetahmen II'', but the game fails to start the next level)'' Well, I beat the game. At least I got as far as I can possibly go before it fucks out! Well, this is where I'd end things... ''(drinks Rolling Rock)'' ...but, there's yet another ''Cheetahmen'' game. ''(produces a copy of the Sega Genesis port of ''Action 52'')'' Yeah. ''Action 52'' on the Genesis. They just couldn't leave it alone, could they?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(talking about SKATER from the Genesis ''Action 52'')'' You're some kid on roller skates jumping fifty feet in the air, of course. And most of the obstacles are dead cats! At least, I'm pretty sure they're dead. Why else would a cat be laying in the road? Tell me. If you're programming a video game and you have a choice of all the things that could be on the road like mufflers, puddles of oil, traffic cones, hubcaps, fallen trash cans, open manholes, of all the things you can put there, why does your imagination go straight to ''dead cats!?''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(after playing ''Cheetahmen'' from the Genesis ''Action 52'')'' I don't believe it. I just can't believe it that - this is even ''less'' playable than the NES version! You think by now, they'd come back down to Earth and un-''fuck'' themselves! But you know what the really good news is? I'm done with ''Action 52''! ''(puts on a party hat and blows on a party horn while fireworks go off)''

=== Game Glitches ===

:'''AVGN''': Don't you just hate it when that happens? You'll be playin' a game, and then all of a sudden, it starts glitching up! ''(inserts Metal Gear into his Nintoaster)'' Oh, come on. Metal Gear's fuckin' up now? You blow the game, jiggle it around, use different consoles, but it still doesn't work. You know, when this happens, that means that there's something inside your game. Something that wants to reduce the graphics into a pixelated mishmash of garbage. You're dealing with...a Game Graphic Glitch Gremlin.
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' [Cackling] Good day to you, Nerd, how are you? Good day, sir! As you know, I am the Glitch Gremlin! And, I've got glitches in me britches for ya, Nerd! I've got ''(gibberish)''.
:'''AVGN''': I'm gonna lay the fuck smack on you! You think I can't still play?

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:''[ [[w:Mike Tyson|Mike Tyson]]'s portrait from ''[[w:Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!|Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!]]'' is displayed, but the entire graphical display glitches up, eliciting a shocked reaction from the Nerd]''
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' And here we have ''Punch-Out!!'' with &quot;Iron Mike&quot; Tyson. I just ironed out his face! How do you like that? We'll call him Shit-Fuck-Face Mike Tyson!
:'''AVGN''': You little fuck-nugget, get out of my game!

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:'''AVGN''': ''[After describing his victory over the boss Big Pets in [[w:Mega Man 5|Mega Man 5]] while having been hindered by a glitch]'' And ''that'' was a great moment in Nerd history.
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' That's not possible! I've never seen anything like it!
:'''AVGN''': I should get a gold medal.

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:''(The Nerd plays [[w:Rocky (2002 video game)|the 2002 ''Rocky'' game on PlayStation 2]], but the audience is severely glitching around, and the two boxers supposed to be in the ring are nowhere to be seen.)''
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' Well, you sure packed quite a crowd tonight, Nerd! You sure did, standing room only...a full house of glitches! Ding ding ding! In this corner, we have weighing in at zero pounds and zero ounces, nothing! In this corner, we've got much of the same! Nothing!
:'''AVGN''': No...
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' ''(As the in-game announcer repeats &quot;Next up is a fight...&quot;)''Do you hear that? What's that sound? Huh? Hm? Sounds of glitch. Your glitch. Enjoy it. ''(The Nerd resets his PS2, and'' ''the in-game combatants show up this time.)'' Nope. No use resetting. Not gonna do a thing.
:'''AVGN:''' Eh, fuck you. It's working now. ''(Spider Rico suddenly sinks into the floor.)'' What was ''that''!?
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' I pulled him through the floor! That's a good one! Good one, Glitch Gremlin! ''(The Nerd looks on in shock as the fighters continuously sink to the floor. The Glitch Gremlin dances.)'' Oh yeah! I'm glitching! Get down, you bad self! Get down! Get down! Get down! Wooo!
:'''AVGN''': Wow, I've ''never'' seen a game this fucked up. ''(He takes out the ''Rocky'' disc to clean it.)''
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' ''(his reflection appears in the disc)'' Not gonna work, not gonna work. What time is it? Not-gonna-work o'clock. ''(The Nerd plays the game again, but now the in-game boxers have warped facial features.)'' In this corner, we have Bug-Eyed Balboa!
:'''AVGN''': What happened to his ''mouth''!?
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' His eyes are popping out! And in that corner, we've got Spider Rico, with no jaw! ''(He sinks into the floor, again.)''
:'''AVGN''': They're like zombies! What is this, &quot;Rocky: The Undead Edition&quot;? You are really one sick fuck, you know that? I'm gonna try Clubber Lang.
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' Oh, Clubber Lang, that could be a good one. Let's see what else I've got up my sleeves - oh, I'm not wearing any, but for my final show-stopper, FEAST YER EYES ON THIS! ''(The in-game model of Clubber Lang appears horrifically deformed and mis-assembled, heavily resembling a straight log of solid fecal matter. His left leg flashes between being visible and invisible, while his right leg does not appear at all. A baffled Nerd drops his controller while the Gremlin laughs gleefully.)''
:'''AVGN''': It's a Clubber-fuck!

=== [[w:Zelda II: The Adventure of Link|Zelda II]] ===
:'''AVGN''': ''(commenting on the odd names for enemies in the original [[w:The Legend of Zelda|''The Legend of Zelda'']])'' What do you call that? A rabbit's head? ''(buzzer sound)'' Wrong. A &quot;Pols Voice&quot;. What's that, a mummy? ''(buzzer sound)'' &quot;Gibdo&quot;. What's that, a ghost? ''(buzzer sound)'' &quot;Ghini&quot;. What's that? Well, it's kinda like...like... ''(triple-ding sound)'' What?! It's called a &quot;Like Like&quot;?! Yeah, I'm not makin' this up, this is all comin' straight from the manual. What do you call that? A snake? ''(buzzer sound)'' Wrong, it's called &quot;Rope&quot;. Yeah, really! If you can't tell the difference between a snake and a rope, you're in trouble. What's that, a bat? ''(buzzer sound)'' No, it's &quot;Keese&quot;. What do you call the keys then, &quot;Bats&quot;? What's that, a knight? ''(buzzer sound)'' A &quot;Darknut&quot;. Well then, what's that? Uh, a, uh, Geiger counselman? ''(buzzer sound)'' Oh, a &quot;Rock&quot;. What's that, a spider? ''(buzzer sound)'' A &quot;Tektite&quot;. Now what the ''fuck'' is a Tektite!? Is that even a real word? I'll look it up...yeah, it is. ''(reads off a dictionary)'' &quot;Tektite. Any of several kinds of small glassy bodies, in various forms, occurring in Australia and elsewhere, now believed to have been produced by the impact of meteorites on the earth's surface.&quot; Yeah. Or, a ''spider''. Well, fuck. Let's move onto ''Zelda II''.

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:'''AVGN''': In each town, there's a woman that restores your health. She invites Link inside, and you never see what's happening in there. Is she giving him a potion? Is she performing a magic spell? No. We all know what's ''really'' happening. Link is like, you know, getting a little of the [[w:A Clockwork Orange (film)|ol' in-out in-out]]. I mean, this isn't little boy Link anymore, he's grown up now. He learns all these special moves like the down-thrust and the up-thrust, and there, he learns the cunt-thrust. Yeah, that should be the name of a band. But really, Link deserves to get some because of all this hell he goes through. He's not gonna get any from Zelda... Well, then again, she's in a sleeping spell. What was Link doing there in the first place? Oh, no, Link's a poon hound.

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:'''AVGN''': ''(repeatedly failing to defeat the final boss, Dark Link)'' Well, it's impossible. I have better luck trying to fight my own shadow! ''(imitates trying to punch his own shadow on the wall and hurting his hand against the wall)'' You motherfucker! C'mon! God damn! ''(cuts back to the Nerd on his couch)'' You can't beat your own shadow, and that's what this game is. It's your dark alter ego that knows more about you than you know about yourself. I don't know how you could win, unless you're ''really'' hardcore. Some gamers are so hardcore with the first game, they've actually made it to Ganon ''without the sword.'' That's insane! But, people like a good challenge. You want a good challenge? Try beating ''Zelda II'' with the Power Glove, yeah. That's a laugh. In conclusion, it's still a great game. But many consider it the black sheep of the Zelda franchise. And understandably, it's very different from the first game but obviously Nintendo didn't want to just rehash the same game over again so they tried something new. Some people were confused and admittedly it had some mixed results. But it had a legacy of its own. It was the first Zelda game that had towns to visit and to have a magic meter and many games copied its style such as Battle of the Olympus and even Rambo. Bottom line, it's a good game, but a very frustrating one. I'll never beat it as long as I live. Nope. ''(turns off TV, walks away, but then runs back to the TV to turn it back on. The ending message appears on the TV saying &quot;You saved Hyrule and you are a real hero!&quot; Then, he looks at the Power Glove in shock and disbelief. Then the curtain lowers and then Zelda and Link supposedly kiss with the curtain covering it up and the words &quot;The End&quot; appear.)''

=== Back To The Future Trilogy ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' I've always wanted to go back and complete them the way I originally intended. The ''McKids'' video, for example. I felt like there should have been a dancing scene with Ronald McDonald, Grimace, and the Hamburglar. And Dracula. And Skeletor. I'd also like to go back to the original negatives, clean them up, make them look good as shit, and give them some new enhancements.
:''[in the &quot;Top Gun&quot; review, the Nerd fires a Sonic Boom at the TV, destroying it. After that, the same thing happens, but Praxis effect rings come from the explosion.]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' In the ''Friday the 13th'' video, I shot Jason Voorhees in the head.
:'''The Nerd from his ''&quot;Friday the 13th&quot;'' Review:''' You're easier to beat in real life than you are in that '''''fuckin' game, you no-good piece of--!''''' ''['''BANG!!!''' The Nerd shoots Jason in the head in the original review]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' That made me look like a cold-blooded killer. I always felt Jason should have shot first. ''[same thing, but Jason fires a laser gun at the Nerd, but he dodges and shoots Jason in the head]''
:'''The Nerd''': I'm just kidding. I have no intentions of changing my older videos like that. But with all seriousness, some of the games I've done, I could have covered them a little better.

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[replaying'' Top Gun] I'm gonna land this thing. Oh, yeah. I'm finally gonna land the plane. This time, I'm gonna land it for real. Oh, I got it. I got it. I got the speed right, but the altitude's off! ''[watches the numbers]'' Oh, I'm going too fast! ''[watches the screen]'' ''[the plane somehow flies out of the TV with the Nerd looking surprised and breaks through a window]'' Hey, if, uh...anybody sees that plane, can you let me know?

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' And what about Judge Doom? He's one of the most difficult bosses in video game history, and I barely said a damn thing about him. Anytime Doom hits you, he takes a great deal of damage, but when ''you'' hit ''him,'' it doesn't do much. With such a huge assortment of weapons, you'd think that there'd be one that inflicts more damage on him, but nope, he has no weakness. All you can do is punch, punch, punch. It may seem easier than it looks, but Doom has no clear pattern. You gotta get lucky and just get him in the right rhythm so you can keep hitting him.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' Once you knock him down, you think it's all over, but no. You gotta pick up the Dip Cannon. But before you can use it, you have to select it. Like, no shit. Why ''wouldn't'' I want it selected? The worst part is that now Judge Doom kills you with one hit. It doesn't matter how full your health is. Anyone's natural reaction is to tap the button, but that won't get you far. You have to know to ''hold down'' the button, and only ''that way'' can you beat him.
:''[Judge Doom is defeated, and the end screen with the text saying, &quot;Toontown is saved and remains in the hands of its rightful owners, the Toons. The End.&quot;]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' I already mentioned how the game has nothing to do with the movie. You're collecting clocks, throwing bowling balls, and dodging bees, and other bizarre things. One thing I didn't elaborate on before is how Marty has some serious problem with his legs where he can't stop walking. You'd think this is a Goddamn flying game because you can't stop. Imagine all the problems Marty must go through on a daily basis, being cursed to walk for all eternity! Imagine trying to order at a fast food restaurant, or any restaurant. Imagine going to work or trying to use a bathroom or fly on a plane. He can only stand still when he's behind a counter at a Café throwing milkshakes. Anybody who's played this Café stage knows how unforgiving it is, and I've talked about it already. ''[a Café customer stops to talk to Marty, then he throws him against the wall.]''
:'''The Nerd''': But wouldn't you like to know what the rest of the game is like? Do we ever see Doc Brown, or does the DeLorean ever make an appearance? Or any of the other things from the movie? Let's find out.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' The rest of the street stages are all the same, except they change the color. &quot;No effort. Time is money, don't design another stage. Just change the color, and kids will think it's different.&quot; Do they think we're idiots?
:'''The Nerd''': Then we come to an empty classroom where Lorraine, I guess, is shooting hearts at Marty. What, is he the teacher all of a sudden? And what's he catching hearts for? I suppose it's like in the movie where Lorraine has a crush on Marty, but that's his mom so he's trying not to let that happen. Why isn't he avoiding the hearts then? Oh, I see, I guess he's catching them in a book or something. It's the most literal interpretation of a movie. &quot;It's about time, so let's have clocks! It's about romance, let's have hearts!&quot; Was this game designed by a human being? Or did they just feed the movie into a computer to process and then shit out this nonsensical fuck-poop?
:'''The Nerd''': Once again, like the Café stage, you have to score at least 50 points. Then it's on to more walking stages, and after that, it's the Enchantment Under The Sea dance where Marty plays guitar. What do you do? You have to catch musical notes. What more did you expect? I'll tell you one thing, it's certainly no ''Guitar Hero'' or ''Rock Band.'' Why does Marty play the guitar like a stand-up bass the whole time? Why is he wearing a boiler suit? I guess the same reason he's wearing a black muscle shirt. Where's the red jacket or the suit? Couldn't they have gotten Marty to look ''anything'' like he did in the films? And what about the music? Wouldn't this have been an opportune time to hear ''Earth Angel'' or ''Johnny B. Goode?'' ''[notices music from the game]'' Okay, wait a minute. It ''is'' Johnny B. Goode on crack. ''[4 seconds later]'' If [[w:Capcom|they]] can make the ''DuckTales'' theme sound awesome in 8-bit, why not this? At least you get some different music for once.
:'''The Nerd''': Next, more walking. And finally, the DeLorean. Yes, the DeLorean makes an appearance, after all. This is supposed to be the scene where Marty is trying to get back to the future. The streets of Hill Valley are getting slammed with repeated lightning strikes! All you have to do here is dodge the lightning. That's all. Why are you dodging lightning anyway? Isn't Marty trying to get the lightning to hit the DeLorean to generate the 1.21 gigawatts and send him back to 1985? Isn't that the whole fucking idea of the movie? Anyway, that's ''Back to the Future'' NES. No special ending, nothing. ''[The music from the game continues playing]'' Fuck that music.

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:'''The Nerd''': Well, now that we've seen the whole game, we can conclude that it has... uh... ''some'' relation to the movie. But it doesn't have any of the familiar music cues. And don't tell me it was some kind of licensing issue, like they were able to license the movie, but not the music that belongs with that movie that we all recognize. No Back to the Future theme, no Power of Love, no Back in Time, no Johnny B. Goode! (SORT OF) Well, fuck this! ''[throws the game cartridge behind the futon and drinks some Rolling Rock, accompanied by Johnny B. Goode on crack]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' When I first reviewed this game, I was being a shithead. I never explained how it's played. And that's where things get really interesting. You're supposed to collect 30 items, and bring them all back to their rightful places and times. You find the items behind locked doors. To unlock the doors, you need to find the keys which are found by killing random enemies. But the keys don't sit still. They fly off the screen the second they appear. Usually, you're not expecting the key, so you might not catch it. Once the key's gone, it doesn't return. Not unless you exit the level and come back. Even when you get a key, most of the doors don't let you in. ''[Marty cannot unlock a door]'' I don't know the reason for this, but when you do find the right door, you'll get an item. But you don't get it right away, you have to do some sort of mini-game. They're all different, but the goal is the same: To collect all the clocks. How original.

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' Why did LJN have to make every NES movie adaptation? Couldn't they have given somebody else a try? No, they wanted to incorporate the entire spectrum of awfulness. ''[The LJN rainbow logo appears on the screen, and each color lights up as the Nerd mentions them]'' &quot;Purple for Putrid Gameplay&quot;, &quot;blue for Bad Musical Abominations&quot;, &quot;Green for Graphical Farts and Garlic&quot;, &quot;Yellow for Piss Poor Lack of Loyalty to Source Material&quot;, &quot;Orange for 'Aren't You a Fuckin' Idiot?'&quot;, and &quot;Red for High-Stress Anger-Inducing Masochism&quot;. Put that all together, you got all the colors of the Shit Rainbow. ''[sarcastically]'' Hooray, LJN.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover, playing Back to the Future Part III on Genesis]'' Naturally, the graphics are a big step up, going over to a 16-bit console, and it represents the film far better than the Nintendo games. But there's one fatal flaw: the difficulty. You're Doc Brown on a horse trying to save Clara from going into the ravine. Unfortunately, the ground is littered with crates and other random obstacles, and the air is filled with birds, tomahawks, and all kinds of projectiles.
:'''The Nerd''': You get hit once, it knocks you off your horse, costing you precious time. If you fall only a few times, you have to start over. ''[Game Over screen with Clara falling into the ravine and her gravestone appears]'' Hazards come without any warning. The human brain cannot react as fast as this game demands! It's like a memory test; the only way to get by is to remember the whole level.
:'''The Nerd''': Uh, Jump! Uh, uh, jump again! Duck, uh... shoot, uh... what, ''[yells]'' '''''FUCK!''''' ''[Doc Brown gets knocked off horse]'' ''[exclaims]'' You fucking processing, stop being so blast!
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' It's really hard to distinguish which objects are hazards and which are just there for decoration, like this underwear. This is a perfect example of a game that starts out way too hard. It's only the first level and I can't beat it!
:'''The Nerd''': From what I understand, there's only four levels. For a Sega Genesis game, that's pathetic. I guess they were too lazy to design a longer game so they just made it more difficult so it'd take longer to beat, that's all!
:'''The Nerd''': ''[moans]'' Oh, and that fucking song, I am so sick of hearing it! Next time I hear Ghost Riders in the Sky, I'm gonna think about going 100 miles per hour on a horse jumping crates and getting shot at and shit!
:''[Doc gets knocked off horse repeatedly]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' Fuck-fuck-fuck-'''''UNGH'''''-'''''UNGH'''''-fuck-fuck-ungh-UNGH-UNGH-FUCK-fuck-''ungh''-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-'''''FUCK!!! FUCK!''''' ''[gets furious, throws a pillow at the TV, takes out the game, throws it to the floor and screams.]'' Daaamn!! ''[he yells while he strangles the controller and throws the pillow to the floor.]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[after playing Super Back to the Future Part II on SNES]'' A '''''good''''' ''Back to the Future'' game? Somebody made a good ''Back to the Future'' game...and it was only in Japan? ''[suddenly gets angry]'' '''''WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS FUCKIN' WORLD?!''''' We get '''''THESE''''' shitty games, but not '''''THAT''''' one? Like, what the Hell? Why would you do that? It's good! I mean, it's not great, but, it's the best goddamn ''Back to the Future'' game I've ever played. It's actually a game! Why bury the gem and dig up the turd? Innocent people have suffered through these fucking fuck heaps! People developed &quot;Fuck it!&quot;-itis from this shit! People have gone on to live horrible lives, kicking babies in the balls! If you would've went back in time and said to people, &quot;Hey, hey, there's a good ''Back to the Future'' game. Put this shit down and go to Japan!&quot;, they would've looked at you like you're telling them to go...teabag a goat on the surface of Mars. ''[sarcastically]'' Well, thank you for taking a fuckin' shit on us all.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Well, hope you enjoyed my Nintendo Days Re-Revisited. Oh, and guess what? Yeah, I hate sentences that begin with that: &quot;Guess what?&quot; Because you know it's never a good thing. ''[sighs]'' But the fact is... I have one more game to revisit. I don't wanna say what it is, let alone even play it, but I'm thinking about it.

=== Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde Re-Revisited ===
:''[The episode begins with a black-and-white clip; the first few seconds from the original &quot;Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde&quot; review from 2004. The Nerd's voice can be heard over this.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' In May of 2004, I gave a warning about a game called Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I made it perfectly clear: '''''DO NOT PLAY''''' this game. But, from what I understand... people have played it. They didn't listen...but, it wasn't their fault. I only showed about one minute of footage from the game, and even though I talked about it at great length, it didn't do any good. ''[The Nerd drinks some Rolling Rock.]'' I called it a piece of shit. I called it an awful pile of steaming goat shit... ''[shakes his head in disgust]'' ...but, that was honoring it. I could have said ''anything,'' it wouldn't have mattered. I could have taken a '''''fuck''''' on it. But my own '''''fuck''''' would have been offended to lay on this ''loathsome piece of '''filth.''''' Just the thought of covering this thing in doo-doo is like encasing it in gold. I curse the day I ''ever'' laid eyes on it. I curse the plastic that holds this abomination. My words are ''insufficient'' in describing the '''''total insult''''' to humanity that this '''''&quot;game&quot;''''' has provided. Everything that '''''I've''''' ever said, and anything that '''''anybody else''''' has ever said, is '''''not''''' enough. It '''''must''''' be shown. ''[He drinks more Rolling Rock]''

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:'''The Nerd:''' Here's the deal. If you die as Jekyll, you turn into Hyde. Die as Hyde, the game's over. There's two ways to die as Hyde. Number 1: The traditional way: Getting hit too many times. Number 2: Getting '''''as far''''' as Jekyll. Yeah, you know whenever lightning strikes and you drop dead in your tracks for no apparent reason? Well, ''that's'' the reason. You got too far.

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:'''The Nerd:''' Ah, these bees! Go away! ''[Jekyll's cane attack kills a bee]'' What happened? I killed a bee? ''[Jekyll's cane attack kills another bee]'' '''''I KILLED SOMETHING!''''' The only thing you can kill in the whole game, and it's a ''little, tiny, stupid, '''FUCKIN' BEE!'''''

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:'''The Nerd''': When Robert Louis Stevenson wrote his story about a doctor who makes a potion that exposes his inner evil, he didn't realize that the potion would become a reality. Not in the form of chemistry, but through a late 20th century interactive electronic apparatus. Awful music, dreadful graphics, unspeakable gameplay, deceptive enemies, unavoidable hazards, useless weaponry, all mixed together and calculated just right. That is a ''horrible'' concoction!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Cut to a graveyard, the Nerd digs up a skeleton from Robert Louis Stevenson's grave. The Nerd chokes the skeleton, but the skeleton laughs in a monstrous voice, and begins to choke the Nerd in response. Intimidated, the Nerd throws the skeleton away.]''
:'''Skeleton''': ''[gives the Nerd the middle finger]'' Fuck you.
:''[The Nerd tries to hit the skeleton with the cane, but misses, and the skeleton chortles, completely unharmed]''
:'''Skeleton''': I am the devil! ''[laughs evilly]'' Now go play some Dr. Jekyll and Mr. '''''HYDE!!!!!'''''
:'''The Nerd''': No!
:'''Skeleton''': ''[bellows]'' '''''HYDE!!!!!!'''''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[softer]'' No...!

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:'''The Nerd:''' I think I get it. Why, it's the best game ever made. It's more than a game! It exposes the dual nature of the human spirit. The only way to win the game is to be Jekyll, but you wanna be Hyde so you can shoot shit! You see, it's a constant battle between good and evil, and Jekyll must stay farther along his path than Hyde. If Hyde gains the lead, then evil will triumph over good, and that's the true conflict of the human soul.
:'''The Nerd:''' And to deny the evil completely would only force it into the subconscious mind, like a city broken into different social classes: people don't wanna step outside their own boundaries, like Jekyll wandering into the wrong section of town, he's unwelcome. Nevertheless, he must abide by his own good nature.
:'''The Nerd:''' No wonder the cane doesn't work. The game does not reward you for acting upon your malevolent intentions. It's a proposed guideline for a set of morality rules to be programmed into real life. It uses the Victorian Era as a fundamental depiction of outward respectability and inward lust, it's a metaphor for social and geographical fragmentation. It alludes the Freud theory of repression in which unacceptable desires or impulses are excluded from the conscious mind and left to operate on their own in the ''un''conscious.
:'''The Nerd:''' Or, you could just say, '''''&quot;THE GAME FUCKIN' SUCKS.&quot;'''''

=== [[w:Lester the Unlikely|Lester the Unlikely]] ===
:'''AVGN''': (sighs) What's the point? It's all gonna be dust one day. [He decides to play Lester the Unlikely] ''[[w:Lester the Unlikely|Lester the Unlikely]].'' It's unlikely that this is gonna be a good game. (Inserts the game in and turns the Super Nintendo on as Lester yells like Tarzan.) Okay, title screen. Guy swinging on a vine. Like every other jungle adventure game. Then comes the story. You're Lester, a comic book geek who wanders onto a dock, and then... (Groans) OK, I have no faith in this character already if he's gonna go to sleep on a piece of cargo that's being loaded onto a ship. He becomes an involuntary stowaway, the ship's raided by pirates, and Lester swims to a nearby tropical island. That's where the game begins.

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:'''AVGN''': Half the time Lester does things against your own will. ''[Lester automatically runs away from a crab]'' I didn't do that! The game did! Have you ever had a game character disobey? ''[Lester runs away from a large turtle on the ground]'' Go near the godfuckingdamn turtle! Why does he keep running!? What's so threatening about a fucking turtle!? ''[Lester runs away from another turtle]'' Run, Lester, run! Get away from that turtle! That turtle might charge really fucking fast!

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:'''AVGN''': This is a penis-shaped piss stain on the face of gaming. I'd rather fuck the Wicked Witch of the West! I'd rather play a CD-i game! Yeah! Like ''The Flowers of Robert Mapplethorpe''. ''[plays it, but after a while of just looking at still images of flowers]'' ...No, I wouldn't.

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:'''AVGN''': Just let him die. Who wants to play as a weak, pathetic character like this? Wouldn't you rather be a tough guy? Isn't that the whole point of playing a game? To feel empowered? To be someone you're not? I mean, I get it - he's supposed to be a nerd. Well, this &quot;nerd&quot; makes me look like [[w:Charles Bronson|Charles Bronson]]! [[w:Steve Urkel|Steve Urkel]] could beat the fuck out of this guy! I think this whole thing was an experiment: To create the world's ''worst'' video game character.

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:'''AVGN''': No wonder why he didn't get his own sequels. I can imagine what Lester the Unlikely 2 would've been like. The game would start... and you couldn't even move! All that happens, Lester pulls down his pants, sucks his thumb, and takes a fuck. The third game, you couldn't even get past the title screen. All that happens, you push Start, and Lester falls down and farts. (he shrugs) The fourth game doesn't even work at all. You just put it in your Super Nintendo... (the Nerd puts the game into the SNES, turns it on, and the game explodes)... and it explodes. (disgusted) The fifth game isn't even a game at all: it's just a bag of shit that says Lester the Unlikely 5 on it. (the Nerd holds up the &quot;Lester the Unlikely&quot; 5 bag and fuck is dripping down to the floor. The Nerd holds his nose in revolt.) And there's a new one coming up on the PS4 using the latest state-of-the-art technology (the Nerd holds up the CD) of constructing the disc out of orangutan diarrhea. It just turned out that was the only way, and it really gives Blu-Ray a run for its money.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Fuck this game. (throws down the controller) And you know what? Fuck all games. I'm gonna watch some TV. ''(He turns on the TV and tries to change channels, but the TV is all static.)'' Man. TV nowadays sucks.

=== How The Nerd Stole Christmas ===
:'''AVGN''': ''[[w:Wall Street Kid|Wall Street Kid]]'' is a game about cash and stocks. Might as well fill my Christmas socks with trash and severed cat cocks!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''[[w:Killing Time (video game)|Killing Time]]'' on [[w:3DO Interactive Multiplayer|3DO]] doesn't give you enough ammo! Your parents paying fifty bucks for a game where you shoot the fuck out of ducks really sucks! I'd rather eat deceased skunk yeast than play inferior arcade ports like ''[[w:Altered Beast|Altered Beast]]''. Altered Beast is a nut-kicking feast I can't stand in the least!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''[[w:S.C.A.T.: Special Cybernetic Attack Team|S.C.A.T.]]'' stands for Special Cybernetic Attack Team, but &quot;the droppings of carnivorous mammals&quot; is what the word &quot;scat&quot; really means. It's as close as you can get to a Nintendo game called &quot;Shit&quot;.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': We'll see how they like ''[[w:Circus Caper|Circus Caper]]'', it's as fun as inhaling Chewbacca's anal vapor!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
: '''AVGN''': ''[Playing [[w:Fist of the North Star (Nintendo Entertainment System)|''Fist of the North Star'']] on NES]'' Finding the right door is such a chore. C'mon, where do I go!? What a bore! Finally, when you do find the right door, how you go in? Wanna know the way? Not up, not down: By pressing Right, B, and A!!! How much were they drinking!? Why is it so stinking!? I'm staring unblinking, &quot;What were they thinking!?&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bear McCreary''': ''[singing to the tune of ''You're A Mean One, Mr. Grinch''].''
:''You're a mean one, Mr. Nerd.''
:''You really are a jerk!''
:''You're shameless as a shitmop,''
:''You got mischief in your smirk, Mr. Nerd.''
:''I wouldn't blame you when you're playing Atari Berzerk!''
:''You're a vile one, Mr. Nerd.''
:''You've got demons in your soul!''
:''You're wacky and you're wicked,''
:''Your crap is full of coal, Mr. Nerd.''

=== [[w:Day Dreamin' Davey|Day Dreamin' Davey]] ===
:'''AVGN''': Oh, no. Time to play a fucky game for the 98th fucking time. Day Dreamin' Davey. Should I even care who the hell Davey is? Oh no, it's HAL. Don't trust anything called HAL. Actually, the same company created Kirby, and developed Super Smash Bros. Maybe this won't be so bad then.
:'''Davey''': Awesome!
:'''AVGN''':  Oh, no. I just jinxed the whole thing. Well, as you probably guessed from the title, this is all about a kid who daydreams. Starts out, Davey's in school, and a bully steals his pencil. ...So he's gotta get the pencil back? Man, that's some epic storyline right there. So, Davey falls asleep in class and dreams he's in the Middle Ages. It's like your typical Zelda-esque adventure, but instead of trying to save a princess and save the lives of everyone in the land from evil forces, it's all about getting... a pencil.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Why does he care so much about a fucking pencil? Was he planning to take it home after school and shove it up his fuck or something?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Then you get a sword, but it's a dream, so when he wakes up it's a ruler he's holding. Why is he so excited about a ruler? Does he wanna measure his turds? Then the teacher says, &quot;What are you doing? You are going to see the principal for this.&quot; Um, for what? For measuring his turds in class?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': What's this? A hooker? She asks if I need some &quot;help&quot;? Really! There's a Nintendo game where a ''hooker'' tries to sell herself to a kid. ''Now'' this whole thing is worth it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''[after defeating the Medusa]'' Finally when you kill her, you grab her head off the ground. You know what would be really awesome? If Davey woke up here, and had the teacher's decapitated head in his hands. ''[appears an image of Davey happily holding the teacher's blood dripping head]'' Yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''[after Davey got a trophy in his dream, and he wakes up in front of the principal with the trophy actually in his possession]'' So Davey wakes up and the Principal's like, &quot;Where'd you get that trophy?&quot; So, now Davey's actually bringing back objects from his dreams? Does this make any sense? You know what would be cool? If Freddy Krueger came out and clawed his fucking face off!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Well, that's it! Basically, that's Day Dreamin' Davey. That's the whole game. Mediocre... That's what it is. So, until next time... Gotta dream... something... better...

=== [[w:Star Wars computer and video games|Star Wars]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': I have a bad feeling about this. We're gonna play a bunch of ''[[w:Star Wars computer and video games|Star Wars games]].''The movies were a prime target for video game adaptations. They were full of all kinds of action setpieces with battles taking place in space and on land, lightsaber duels, speederbike chases. They had lovable characters, great storylines, and a classic mythology that was bright for expanding upon in the world of gaming. So, how could they fuck that up? Let's find out. Our journey begins, innocently enough, with the Atari 2600. ''[plays Star Wars for the Atari 2600]'' This is the first Star Wars game, or at least the first Atari version based on the first movie. It follows the same format as the arcade version which came out before. It focuses on only one scene from the movie: the climactic rebel attack on the Death Star. It's unimpressive to say the least, but for the time, it was ambitious to try and create a 3D perspective. And besides, the Atari 2600 is well known for not being able to live up to the arcade standards of quality.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[Playing the Japanese Famicom ''Star Wars'', the Nerd fights [[w:Darth Vader|Darth Vader]] inside the sandcrawler level, and is shocked when Vader transforms into a scorpion.]'' Did that happen in the movie? Did that happen in... any of the movies?! Did Darth Vader say to [[w:Luke Skywalker|Luke]], &quot;I am your father, and I am also, a ''fucking'' scorpion!&quot; No! It's not true! '''''THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!! WHY DOES DARTH VADER TURN INTO A FUCKING SCORPION?!''''' That doesn't even happen in the Special Editions! There is ''no'' version of ''Star Wars,'' in this universe or timeline, or any other (I'm...sure of it.) where Darth Vader turns into...''[Takes his glasses off, cleans them, rubs his eyes, and puts them back on]''...a ''fucking'' scorpion.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': It also happens to be one of those &quot;Where the fuck do I go?&quot; kind of games. If you haven't played the game before, you can spend hours searching for the right place. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': OK, so I guess he's going into the Mos Eisley bar. That's the famous scene in the movie where Luke meets [[w:Han Solo|Han Solo]]. But one thing I didn't know was that they allow Landspeeders in the bar. What, does Luke just crash his way in? ''[a car-crashing sound effect and a Chewbacca roar are imposed on Luke riding the landspeeder straight into the bar]'' It's quite interesting, actually. In this version, Luke gets to the bar so fast, I bet Han and Greedo were still talking at, at the table, and you know, who shot first, Han or Greedo, whatever. But actually, neither one of them did! Luke kills Greedo with his Landspeeder. Right after Han says &quot;Over my dead body.&quot;, '''''BOOM!''''' All of a sudden, Luke comes through, crashing with the fucking Landspeeder!!! I wanna see ''that'' in the next Special Edition.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': The NES got [[w:Star Wars (1991 video game)|a different Star Wars game.]] ''[sees JVC logo]'' Hold on. No LJN? It's a movie based game, it's on Nintendo, and it wasn't made by LJN? Then it might have a chance.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Man, the only way to beat an outrageously difficult game like this is to cheat! Like, I hear a lot of people use emulators or save-states. You know, that would be pretty handy, I guess, but you know what'd be better? How about just a button you press that makes the game beat? And that's why I invented the Beat-A-Game Button! Yeah! All you do, if you're playing a really hard game, you just push the button, and the game's beat! Let's try it out. ''[[w:Ninja Gaiden II: The Dark Sword of Chaos|Ninja Gaiden II]].'' Ooh, that's a hard game. Oh, man. Oh, shit. I'm getting my fuck kicked. ''[he gets an idea as he presses the Beat-A-Game Button then beats Ninja Gaiden II]'' ''[[w:The Legend of Zelda (video game)|Legend of Zelda]]!'' ''[presses the button and he beats said game]'' Beat it. ''[[w:Mega Man (video game)|Mega Man]]!'' ''[presses the button and he beats said game]'' Beat it. You'd never thought you could beat the game. Not without the Beat-A-Game Button! ''[stands up and walks to his NES library]'' All right, all you games. Consider your ass beat! ''[he holds the button in triumph while an 8-bit version of [[w:Music of Star Wars|The Imperial March]] plays as he wouldn't use the button to beat every single game]'' All right, back to ''Star Wars.''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Of course we had to stop somewhere because there's a whole galaxy of ''Star Wars''-related games so this could've gone on and on. With ''Star Wars Rebel Assault, Dark Forces, Jedi Academy, Rogue Squadron, Battlefront, Star Wars Chess, Lego Star Wars, Star Wars Puzzle Blaster, Star Wars Pod Racer, [he then starts making them up as he goes along] Jar Jar Binks Bingo, Death Star Builder 3.0, Chewie Wookie Cookie Cooking, Stormtrooper Tennis, Jabba's Farts Unleashed,'' (That was a good one.) ''Wedge's Wedgie Attack, Fishing For Ackbars, Super Sith Shit-Toss Tournament Edition, Boba Fett's Name Game,'' (Find his name in the fuckin' movies.) ''Govenor Tarkin vs. Count Dookie--'' ''[a cutout buffalo walks past and defecates through the Nerd's window, breaking it and startling the Nerd.]'' '''''OH, MY GOD!!! OH, MY GOD! WHAT THE--?! THAT FUCKING BUFFALO JUST TOOK A FUCKING FUCK THROUGH MY FUCKING WINDOW!!! OH, MY FUCKING GOD, THERE'S FUCK AND FUCKING GLASS ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE! WHERE IN THE FUCK DID THAT FUCKING COME FROM?! OH, MY GOD!! NOW I GOTTA FUCKING CLEAN ALL THIS FUCK UP! WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?!'''''

=== [[w:R.O.B.|R.O.B. The Robot]] ===
:'''R.O.B.''': ''[robotic voice]'' I will play, I am R.O.B., Robotic Operating Buddy.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[intrigued]'' Okay, cool, a robot. Here ya go. ''[hands R.O.B. the controller]''
:'''R.O.B.''': ''[robotic voice]'' Error, does not compute, requires adaptive device.
:'''The Nerd''': It's a controller. You play it.
:'''R.O.B.''': ''[robotic voice]'' I do not have thumbs, you moron. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''R.O.B.''': ''[robotic voice]'' Must have gyros.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[annoyed]'' You want a fucking gyro now? ''[He goes into the kitchen, makes a gyro sandwich, and returns to R.O.B.]'' All right, here's your damn gyro.
:'''R.O.B.''': ''[robotic voice]'' You idiot. That is not a gyro.
:'''The Nerd''': I know, I tried - what, do you want me to go to fuckin' Greece?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' ''[angrily]'' You ready now, R.O.B.? You happy? You got enough ''shit'' to work with?!
:'''R.O.B''': ''[robotic voice]'' Affirmative.
:'''The Nerd''': &quot;Affirmative,&quot; your ''ass!'' Let's play. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, no, no, no, no-- ''[Professor Hector dies]'' ''[growling]'' Fuck! Oh, here comes a Smick! ''[Professor Hector dies again]'' ''[exclaims]'' Fucking Smick's a dick!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': You're doing this, you cybernetic shit-sucker!

== Season Six ==

=== [[w:Steven Spielberg|Spielberg Games]] ===

:'''AVGN''': You wanna know a recipe for shit? Take a movie, put it on NES, n' you got yourself some shit. But let's go even more extreme. Let's take one of the best movies ever made, ''[[w:Jaws (film)|Jaws]]'', by one of the best directors, Steven Spielberg! And then, let's give it to ''the'' game company that has made more fucking shitty games than anybody else! You see that little rainbow, right there? LJN. ...Now we're talking shit. Ahh, LJN. What we're dealing with here is a shitty-game-making-machine. It's really a miracle of electronic evolution. All this machine does is joke, and cheat, and make shitty games, and that's all.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Jaws’ Power Meter goes down slower than the hairs grow on a moose’s scrotum.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': We're gonna need a bigger ass... to shit out this fucking turd! ''[Removes the game from the Nintoaster]'' Never playing this game again. I would just throw it into the sea, but I hear that in 2015, there's an antique store opening up, in Hill Valley. They might take it. ''(Picks up a box)'' Well, right here, I got a box of games, based on movies by Steven Spielberg. Let's see what we got. ''(he pulls out E.T. the Extra Terrestrial for the Atari 2600. The Nerd gasps in horror, throws the box away, and the camera zooms in on the E.T. game)'' Ugh!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Super ''[[w:Schindler's List|Schindler's List]]'' 3D!? Nah, I'm just kiddin'. It's ''[[w:Jurassic Park (film)|Jurassic Park]]''.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': It's one of those &quot;Where the fuck do I go?&quot; kind of games. You run around like an idiot collecting eggs. So, yes, it's like a big Easter egg hunt with Smokey Bear and dinosaurs. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Looky looky, I got [[w:Hook|Hooky]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': It's amazing how many games in the NES library tried to be side-scrollers and failed. The weapon is puny, the controls suck, and it's nothing like the movie. It's a miserable experience that assaults your eyes and ears with ''horrible'' graphics and music. What about your nose? If it was possible, I'm sure the game cartridge would come with an air duct that pervades the room with the rancid odor of a skunk that's died up a horse's ass! Ugh! You know what kind of games I like? Good ones?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''[Playing ''Jurassic Park: Interactive'' on the 3DO]'' Oh, look at this! You're a tiny microscopic speck flying around in circuit-chip land shooting three-and-a-half-inch floppy disks. What does this have to do with ''Jurassic Park''!? WHAT WERE THEY THINKING!? Wait a minute. What does it say on the floppy disks? &quot;'''Dump'''&quot;? It says &quot;Dump&quot;? How appropriate. This game is a bunch of anal dump.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''Jurassic Park'' on 3DO is a complete mockery, man. Does it suck? You bet &quot;JUR ASS IC&quot; sucks! In the words of Ian Malcom, &quot;That is one big pile of shit.&quot; The problem with all these games is that the power to make them doesn't require any discipline. They took the movie, without any responsibility, they stood on the shoulders of Steven Spielberg and Michael Crichton to accomplish something as fast as they could, and before they even knew what they had, they patented it, they packaged it, they slapped it on a plastic game cartridge or CD, and (slaps) they sold it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Now even though this says E.T. Go Come on the cover it is not the E.T. game. Oh no. Now I gotta make something perfectly clear. I play shitty games so that innocent gamers don't have to. But there's ''one'' game I ''never'' play. ''[picks up [[w:E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (video game)|E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial]] for the Atari, opens the box, shows a cartridge then throws it in disgust while the choir sings in background]'' Ugh! ''[looks away, then looks back just as the camera slowly zooms in on the game with texts appear saying &quot;To Be Continued in [[w:Angry Video Game Nerd: The Movie|Angry Video Game Nerd: The Movie]]&quot;]''

=== The Making of an Angry Video Game Nerd episode/[[w:Barbie (video game)|Barbie]] ===
:'''AVGN''': No degeneracy is low enough to satisfy the shit-seeking gamer who decides to play ''Barbie'' on NES. Whoo. We know that most games on NES are targeted towards young boys. So, here's one for the girls. As an adult male, why would I ''ever'' want to play this? Because I'm pathetic, and I'm asking for fuck!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': So the game is actually her dream, in case you ever wanted to know what Barbie dreams about. She dreams about a nursery that's been overtaken by a poltergeist! Tennis rackets are hitting balls all over the place, there's clothing flying around, she has to fight the invisible woman, there's a puppy dog that's helping her attack evil stockings or something, Toucan Sam gives her a lift... I wonder if there's any psychological meaning behind these dreams. Barbie's really fucked up in the head. Even the craziest psychopaths on Earth don't dream this fuck!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The wallpaper's covered in roses, teddy bears, and baseballs. I guess you can say this game is balls to the wall. I can't help but notice how many balls are in the game. They're everywhere! Perhaps the meaning behind this is because she's obsessed with Ken's balls.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I just got my ass handed to me by a ''Barbie'' game. This game was made for little girls and I can't even get past the first few stages. Fuck this game! Fucking Barbie! Plastic pink mall-shopping, bimbo, ball-craving, bird-riding, ghost-fighting, fish-flopping, psycho-dreaming, HAIR BRAIN PIECE OF FUCK! Go to fuck!

=== [[w:Kid Kool|Kid Kool]] ===
:'''AVGN''': ''Kid Kool'' is a game that's so bad, you wouldn't want to go wipe your ass on it. Your worst fucking enemies don't deserve to play this accursed, foul piece of garbage! Satan doesn't even have any games in Fuck that are as wretched as this putrid shitload of fuck!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': There's parts where you have to get over water and the only way to do this is to master the fragile art of skipping across on your butt. Think it looks easy? It's not.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''What'' is the deal with this? Did the programmers have any clue how to make a video game? You're not supposed to have the game stop in mid-jump to reorient the screen! That is so irritating! How are you supposed to make a jump when the screen keeps jolting up and down!? How are you supposed to stomp on enemies!? Look at this! ''Look at this!'' We'll call it &quot;air suspension fuck-lift&quot;.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''':  So that's ''Kid Kool'' for you. It seems to deliberately follow the guidelines for making an unholy disaster of a game. It has one-way bullshit, two-gear diarrhea, it's heavy on the jump-fuckness, with loads of topside aquatic ass, it has frequent air suspension shit-lifts, a ton of inviso-bitches, and some free-falling fuckballs for good measure. How did they make the game this bad!? It's clearly untested and rushed beyond belief. There couldn't have been that big a demand for ''Kid Kool''. What was the hurry? In order to do something good, it takes time.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I went through all that torture just to be given the middle-finger salute!? This is a perfect example of a game that's been ruined by control. Control! And that's the hardest part to explain because unless you've played the game, you don't really understand. I mean, maybe you've played other games with horrible control like ''Karate Champ'', or ''Dr. Claw's Dump n' Pump'', but those don't compare. Playing this is like trying to thread a needle while it's spinning on a record player. It's like trying to drive a car blindfolded. You would NOT want to try that, nor would you want to try this game! ''Kid Kool'' is not cool! ''[the Nerd blindly throws the game over his shoulder, and by chance it lands into a garbage bin, to his astonishment.]''

=== [[w:Nintendo World Championships|Nintendo World Championships]] ===
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[he excitedly holds the box of NES games]'' If this box contains what I think it does, then this will be the greatest moment in my career as a game collector. I bought this from an eBay auction. The seller gave a list of games included; mostly NES games that I own already. But there's one that caught my attention: ''[[w:Nintendo World Championships|Nintendo World Championships]]''. Under normal circumstances, this particular game would cost a fortune. The seller probably had no idea what they had, and that happens sometimes. They're trying to get rid of some old games at a flea market or a yard sale or something, and they don't realize that what they're selling happens to be one of the most rare NES games in existence. Nintendo World Championships was never sold in stores. It was a specially-made game cartridge used as part of a gaming competition. Remember the 1989 movie, The Wizard with the big game tournament? Well, this was a real-life version inspired by the movie. The competition was part of a big festival called Powerfest in 1990. It was divided into age groups. Each winner got a cash prize of $10,000, and took home other goodies. The finalists each got to keep their own copy of the game. But there was another version made in gold. The gold cartridges are even more rare. Only 26 were made, and given out as part of a random prize giveaway in Nintendo Power magazine. Also, the red label only existed in the promo pics. The actual games were all gold with a cheap logo glued on that's been cut out with scissors. The whereabouts of these games remain largely unknown. But, in recent years, many of them have show up in auctions, commanding huge prices. But there's still more out there. Um, there were other Nintendo contests like Campus Challenge, two of them, and the Super Nintendo Powerfest '94 competition. But Nintendo World Championships seems to be the most famous, and is considered the Holy Grail among NES collectors. Could I have one of these in my possession right now? Let's find out! ''[starts opening up box with excitedly]'' Oh, boy, I can't wait! It's, I wonder, it's probably the grey one. But who knows? It might even be the gold one! ''[anxiously opens box and digs through cartridges, and unveils game labeled &quot;NWC1990&quot;; Nerd is excited until the camera zooms in on the game's text &quot;Reproduction Cartridge&quot;, and the Nerd's joy slowly fades]'' This is a reproduction cart. Anybody can get these. Worth about $50. ''[he sighs, stands up, and walks to game shelves]'' Well, at least I can still say, &quot;I own Nintendo World Championships&quot;. ''[he places the reproduction cartridge into his game shelf]'' It's not the real thing. I'll never own a complete NES collection. Wait a minute. I know somebody who might own a real NWC. Yeah, somebody who's as obsessed with game collecting as I am, and when it comes to NES, he's even more crazy.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[on the phone with Pat the NES Punk, discussing the authentic copy of the game in Pat's possession]'' Tell you what, uh, if you come on over? I'll help, um, authenticate it for you. I'll give it the Nerd seal of approval.
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': The &quot;Nerd seal of approval&quot;? What is that? Like, you'll take a dump on it?
:'''The Nerd''': No, that would be the Nerd seal of disapproval. Come over, I'll take a look at it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[trying to convince Pat to give him the rarer gold NWC cart]'' The gold one's a piece of crap! I mean, you don't want that. I mean, you know how they made those! They just cut out the logo with cheap paper, and they glued it on! With glue!
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': Yeah! Elmer's glue!
:'''The Nerd''': Yeah-yeah, I bet Mr. Elmer himself glued it on from his own goat. ''[imitates goat bleating]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': ''[while getting ready to play NWC]'' Where's your Nintendo?
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, the Nintendo? Right there, the Nintoaster.
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': The what? Are you playing video games or making breakfast? I'm not turning these expensive games into a goddamn English muffin!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[while playing the ''Rad Racer'' portion of NWC]'' Just think, the NWC cartridges are so expensive, you could actually use that money and buy a real car!
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': Sure, you can buy a car, but it wouldn't be a racer as rad as this.
:'''The Nerd''': Alright, So I finished ''Rad Racer.'' Now I'm up to ''Tetris?''
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': Final game, Nerd. All right, you're on a time limit, and to maximize your score, you gotta get the four-line Tetrises. W-Wait. Why am I helping you? You think you deserve these games? You changed your name from the Angry ''Nintendo'' Nerd to the ''Video Game'' Nerd! I'm the NES Punk, I deserve these games!
:'''The Nerd''': I know a lot of people who own ''Tetris.'' And they actually have the whole game!
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': That's it, that's your score. I'm going to annihilate it. ''[takes the NES controller from The Nerd]'' Thank you very much. ''[gets 50 coins on [[w:Super Mario Bros.|Super Mario Bros.]]]'' Okay, I just beat you on ''Super Mario Bros.'' Now, it's ''Rad Racer'' time.
:'''The Nerd''': Look at that. Well, you got two more games!
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': Yeah, I know I do. I can count!
:'''The Nerd''': Well, just think. We're playing on a reproduction cart, but if we were playing one of those other ones, it would be the same thing. So, what's the point? Just to play on an overly priced game cartridge?
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': What's the point? The point is, those games are part of Nintendo and video game history! There are part of our culture! Those games represent the point where Nintendo dominated our, our society! ''[car in &quot;Rad Racer&quot; crashes]'' Oh-- ah! ''[[w:Tetris|Tetris]]'' is next. I'm not gonna let you taunt me outta this one, I'm gonna win!
:'''The Nerd''': No, I'm serious. This game is a piece of shit.
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': Come on, Pat. Come on. Yeah! Triple-Line score! ''[pants]'' Double-Line score! I'm gonna win. ''[The Nerd gets the hammer from the drawer]'' The games are mine!
:'''The Nerd''': ''Nintendo World Championships'' is poop on a pedestal. It's an over-glorified holy shit-grail! Fuck it to hell, fuck it to high heaven, purgatory, and all existence!
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yes! Yes! I won! I won! ''[The Nerd whacks the two cartridges as he grunts angrily and smashes them into pieces as Pat looks at the broken pieces of NWC cartridges then The Nerd removes the reproduction cartridge.]''
:'''The Nerd''': Here you go. You can have this one. ''[Pat the NES Punk takes it for a moment, and then it slips out of his hands in his own disbelief. Pat the NES Punk then starts laughing, and The Nerd starts laughing as well.]'' Oh, man. ''[laughs then gets attacked by Pat the NES Punk]''

=== [[w:Dark Castle|Dark Castle]] ===

:'''AVGN:''' This is gonna get scary. Okay, I play a lot of 8-bit shit; you know, NES. Why is there so many crappy games on NES? I mean - you know, they have lots of great, classic games as well. But its precious library was being used by all these half-ass game companies as a dumping ground for all their foul shit.

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:'''AVGN:''' ''[Talking about the title screen in the Genesis version of Dark Castle]'' What the hell is this? A ghost giving a castle a blow job?

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:'''AVGN:''' ''[Upon starting the game and noticing the first room]'' This one says &quot;BK&quot;. What the hell does BK stand for? Burger King? I hope! If I go in there and I get served hamburgers, that would be the tits!

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:'''AVGN:''' ''[In the game's dungeon]'' Oh, that's neat. Graffiti on the walls. &quot;Gamers rule&quot; and *what?* &quot;Saddam was here&quot;? As in Saddam Hussein? What was he doin' goin' around writing on castle walls? And &quot;Gamers rule&quot;? That's the same handwriting. Hmm, so Saddam was a really hardcore gamer? Wow.

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:'''AVGN:''' ''[Talking about the music]'' After you listen to the music for a half hour, you get tired of it. Fortunately, you have the option to turn the music off, but you have to do it at the right time, or else, it sustains it. ''[The nerd turns off the music at the wrong time and a loud genesis sound is played]'' '''Isn't that the fuckest thing you've ever heard?!! Didn't anybody test this shit out?!!'''

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:'''AVGN:''' ''[on the game's attacking controls]'' Why couldn’t this just operate like any normal game? Whoever came up with this idea is nuttier than squirrel poop.

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:'''AVGN:''' As you notice, you can duck, it's done by pressing Down and B. But it only ducks for like a second. To stay ducking, you have to press ''up'' and B. Yup, pressing Up to duck is ''pretty fucked up''!

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:'''AVGN:''' On top of everything, it’s one of those maze-like, mindfuck games, where you never know where to go. Can I go here? Nope. Can I go there? Nope. What about here? Nope. Three spots on the same screen, all dead ends. Well, if it’s a dead end, WHY CAN'T THEY MAKE IT LOOK LIKE A DEAD END?! PUT A WALL THERE OR SOMETHING! WHY DOES IT HAVE TO LOOK LIKE A WIDE OPEN PASSAGEWAY?!

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:'''AVGN:''' I happen to find a key, but I can’t figure out what it does. I tried every spot I can think of, but this key is as useless as boobs on a bull. Anything you do, you're fucked! Try this, you're fucked. Try that, you're fucked. You're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked!

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:'''AVGN:''' ''This'' is beyond any doubt, the ''worst'' Sega Genesis game I have ''ever'' played. There’s gotta be something I’m doing wrong. Let me see; maybe it’s on a really high difficulty setting - yeah, let me see what I can do here. Umm… EASY!? It was on easy!? That’s their idea of fucking easy!? Are they out of their minds!? Alright, let’s flick that shit-switch and crank up that diarrhea-dial; I got Dark Castle on C! D! '''''IIIIIIIIIII!!!''''' ''[roaring while flames engulf the room]''

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:'''AVGN:''' I can barely even fucking move! The control is ''impossible''! You ''can’t'' control it. You have more control over the weather than you do in the character in this game!

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:'''AVGN:''' The Genesis version was bad, but this one fucks you harder than life itself! It’s like mixing shit with turds! It’s the most heinously anus thing ever conceived by humankind! It’s a curse to the soul, and it must suffer the tortures of the damned!

=== Bible Games III ===

:'''AVGN:''' In the beginning, the game company called Wisdom Tree began producing unlicensed games for the NES. Wisdom Tree said, &quot;Let there be shit.&quot; And there was shit. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about: Bible games, like Bible Buffet, where you're blowing off a snowman's head (which has nothing to do with the Bible), Super Noah's Ark 3D, where you're slingshottin' pissed off animals, Sunday Funday, where you're killing random people on your way to church, and all those ridiculous CD-i games.
:'''Child's voice:''' Yippie! Yippie! Whoops! Yippie!
:'''AVGN:''' I've already talked about these games in my previous Bible Games episodes. So what's the point of going on? Because Part 3 is never as good. But, you know, there's a few more bible games left, so I might as well finish what I started.

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:'''AVGN:''' ''[playing a Hangman-style game in ''King James Bible'' on Game Boy]'' Alright, what's the word? &quot;'''Goodliest'''&quot;? Who the fuck uses a word like that? &quot;'''Blessedness'''&quot;? Of course. They're all ancient words that nobody says anymore in common speech. Well, that's all there is to that. I marvel at this game's shitliness.

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:'''AVGN:''' The other thing you can do is search for words in the Bible. For example, we can search, I dunno, how about the word &quot;Ass&quot;? [many results appear] Okay, I had no idea there'd be this many results. &quot;'''Then they rent their clothes and laded every man his ass'''&quot;, &quot;'''loose his ox or his ass'''&quot;, &quot;'''whose ass have I taken?'''&quot;, &quot;'''deliver unto his neighbour an ass'''&quot;, &quot;'''Which of you shall have an ass'''&quot;, &quot;'''he had found a young ass'''&quot;, &quot;'''the dumb ass'''&quot; - [laughs] it says &quot;dumb ass&quot; in the Bible - &quot;'''saddled his ass'''&quot;, &quot;'''opened his sack to give his ass'''&quot;, &quot;'''the lion had not eaten the carcase, nor torn the ass'''&quot;, &quot;'''riding upon his ass'''&quot;? ''[chuckles]'' Oh, I'm going to Hell.

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:'''AVGN:''' ''[playing the Genesis version of ''Bible Adventures'']'' Man, Noah has some balls to be rescuing snakes. Indiana Jones wouldn't do that. No, he thinks Noah is a snake-saving shit-sucker. Pee-wee Herman once saved snakes, but he fainted. That's right, in order of manliness, Indiana Jones, then Pee-wee, and then fucking Noah.

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:'''AVGN:''' The monkeys, I hate them. They're so fucking hard to catch! I'm gonna get ya, you stupid monkey. Yeah! Whatever it takes fuckface. You're slime... you're filth... I'm gonna rip you apart.

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:'''AVGN:''' The graphics are dull. There's so much brown. The Ark is brown, the trees are brown. Why's everything gotta be the color of shit? It might as well be shit. Yeah! Those trees in the background are like logs of shit coming out of God's ass. It's HOLY shit.

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:'''AVGN''': Well, that's Bible Adventures, that takes care of all the Bible games on Genesis. I could end things now, but I really don't want there to ever be a Bible Games 4, so there's one little bit of unfinished business: an NES game called King of Kings. I already reviewed this as part of my first Bible Games episode. It has 3 games in it. Jesus and the Temple, which is that Mario 2 (Super Mario Bros. 2) ripoff where you're hopping across logs. Then there's The Wise Men, where you're travelling to Baby Jesus. That means it's the only Christmas game. Isn't that the whole reason I did this in December? Why did I do all these other Bible games? I guess when it comes to bad games, I go above and beyond.

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:'''AVGN:''' ''[replaying ''Flight To Egypt'']'' Every pixel in this game is a sin. First of all, I don't get the title. &quot;''Flight to Egypt''&quot;? You're not flying, you're riding on a donkey, or an ass, if you prefer. What airline is this? &quot;Ass Express&quot;? ...And yes, I know the word &quot;Flight&quot; doesn't necessarily mean aviation, but, hey, it's a fucking joke. Your only attack is this embarrassing, dinky little kick which can't harm anything, unless it's right up in your ass. Or I should say, your ass's ass, not your ass that's sitting upon the ass.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN:''' And... that's it? Did anything else happen? Did the angel say anything? Did the sight of the angel make Joseph sick in his stomach? Did the donkey stalk them in their sleep? What happened? I assumed that I pressed the button by mistake and actually cancelled out the rest of the ending, but no, I've actually beaten the game multiple times just to try and solve this mystery and the same thing happens! It just stays on this screen until you press something, and then it returns you to the main menu. But I'm aware that the last screen is supposed to be playing text that says &quot;Give your heart to Jesus,&quot; but I'm not seeing it so I'm assuming that I'm supposed to beat all 3 games to see the true ending, and I'm not going through all that trouble, although I will give my heart to Jesus. (The Nerd physically rips out his heart and holds it out.) OH JESUS!

== Season Seven ==

=== [[w:Arnold Schwarzenegger|Schwarzenegger Games]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' I'm back. And so is [[w:Arnold Schwarzenegger|Arnold Schwarzenegger]] in [[w:The Expendables 2|The Expendables 2]] I can't wait to see that! In the 80's and 90's, nobody kicked as much ass and coined as many catchphrases as he did. And now that he's comin' back to do a little more acting, I think it's an appropriate time... to look at some NES games based on his movies. NES, a console so influential in the side-scrolling action genre. Now pair that with one of the biggest action movie stars, and... you have a match made in heaven. How could you go wrong? (nervously gives a dorky smile) Uh, I don't know. (Chuckles) Uh, Take this game for example: ''[[w:Total Recall|Total Recall]]''. I remember my first time playing it as a kid. It was a Friday night, my homework was all done, my mom took me to the video store, I rented this game, I took it home, man, I played it, and it just '''FUCKIN' ''PISSED ME OFF,''''' ''[gritted teeth]'' '''''AND RUINED MY WHOLE GODDAMN WEEKEND!'''''

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:'''The Nerd''': I've already talked about the ''Terminator'' games and they suffered the same fate. The first Terminator had some of the worst controls in existence. The only way to fire the gun is to crouch into this gun mode and jumping around requires extreme accuracy. The second game was a monotonous button masher where enemies take a thousand punches. And there were platforms you can't jump on, like some kind of prank!

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing &quot;Last Action Hero&quot; on NES]'' It uses cutscenes with images taken from the movie, but they look like garbage. The contrast is so intense you can't even tell what you're looking at. What is this? A dead fish? A porcupine's back? Oh, it's the top of some guy's head. Damn, it looks like the NES just vomited all over your TV screen. How does it look this bad? I know this is only 8-bit, but I've seen much better. Even with ''Total Recall!'' Arnold's face on the title screen actually looks like him. Hell, even the ''E.T.'' game on Atari 2600 actually looks like E.T. On the title screen at least, but, God, ''[stutters]'' I can't talk about that game.

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[after playing &quot;Conan&quot; on NES]'' Who'd wanna play it anyway? I'd rather have a Sasquatch sit its ass on my face and shoot diarrhea down my throat! I'm dead fucking serious. What a shitload of fuck. What were they thinking? ''[he drinks Rolling Rock]'' And you know what the worst part about it is? I don't think it's really supposed to be based off the ''Conan the Barbarian'' movie. Just the character. So it's not really a Schwarzenegger game, and I just wasted my fucking time.

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:'''The Nerd''': All right, one last game, one last chance for the Schwarzenegger NES library to redeem itself: ''[[w:Predator (film)|Predator]].'' How could this be bad? It's fucking Predator. You look at the cover and think &quot;Yeah! This game's gonna be awesome!&quot; This is a real man's game. This game will turn you into a sexual tyrannosaur. Like me. ''[puts the game in the Nintoaster as the screen shows the game that Arnold wears pink]'' Is he wearing pink? Why'd they put him in pink? Did they see the movie? He doesn't wear pink in the movie. That's not an appropriate army color. I don't know. Maybe he's in pink to stand out from the dull graphics. The graphics are as ugly and dirty as this game's mom. This game sucks so bad the enemy soldiers commit suicide. In addition to the enemy soldiers, you must also face scorpions which you can stand on and they take you for a ride. But only the green scorpions. What, you thought you could ride on a red scorpion? What are you, crazy?

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:'''The Nerd''': This is another one of those games where the music doesn't stop when you pause. Even worse, if you press any button while paused other than &quot;Start&quot;, you will self-destruct. This ''can'' be handy, if you find yourself stuck somewhere, due to faulty game design. Like, here. I'm stuck in the damn rocks. So, rather than working out the bugs, they decided to include a suicide button. This is dangerous, because whenever the game's paused, you have to be careful not to hit the wrong button. Don't pause it, and then, pass it to your buddy whose thumb accidentally touches the &quot;A&quot; or &quot;B&quot; button, and kills off your last life fast than you can say &quot;Oops!&quot;. Another major inconvenience is that every time you die, you have to make sure to pick &quot;Continue&quot;. If you pick &quot;Start&quot;, your game is forever lost, and you have to go all the way back to the beginning. And sooner or later, when you keep playing this long enough...you're gonna make a mistake. It doesn't help that they put the cursor ''on'' &quot;Start&quot; by default. And you can't select by pressing the D-Pad. You have to use the &quot;Select&quot; button, which is right next to the &quot;Start&quot; button, increasing your risk of fucking it up. ''That'' is some sadistic bullshit.

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:'''The Nerd:''' This game blows ass, sucks duck cunt, fucking shit munchin' bunch of pile of... poop.

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:'''The Nerd:''' ''[gets killed]'' '''''Fuck!''''' All right, c'mon. C'mon, c'mon c'mon. ''[he accidentally selects &quot;Start&quot; instead of &quot;Continue&quot;, and is shocked]'' Oops. ''I hit Start?'' ''I hit Start... '''I gotta go all the way back to the beginning.''''' ''[The Nerd shakes his controller and screams in rage]''  '''''AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!! FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-- SHIIIIIIIIIIT!!''''' ''[chokes himself with the controller]'' '''''FUUUUUUCK!! DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN!! AAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSS! YOUR MOTHER! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!''''' ''[drinks Rolling Rock]'' That's it. I'm seein' red. I'm gonna beat this fucker '''''right now!'''''

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:'''The Nerd:''' Oh, my God, I'm so fuckin' mad I could take a chainsaw to a fuckin' baby's neck right now! I could kick a baby pony! Out of my way, I'm gonna fuck you up. Fuckin' game, I'm gonna fuckin' kill it! [grunts] Your mother! Your father! Your uncle! Your uncle! ''[growls]'' Yeah! Yeah, I'm at the final boss! And-- And it's a... big Predator head that looks like Casey Jones from the ''Ninja Turtles.''
:'''The Nerd:''' C'mon, fu-fu-fu-fu-fu-fuck-- shit! ''[grunts]'' Shoot the bastard, come on! You stop shootin' that shit at me, I'm gonna fuckin' kill you! I'm gonna fuckin' kill you! See, I'm not playin' around. I'm not '''''FUCKIN' AROUND HERE!''''' ''[growls]'' '''''I'M NOT...FUCKIN' AROUND!'''''
:''[eventually defeats the first phase of the boss]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Ooh, the mask is off now. ''Now'' it's serious. Now it's fuckin'... ''[grunts]'' ...fuckin' fuck time! Oh, my God, I gotta fuckin' win before I have a heart attack!
:''[defeats the boss]''
:'''The Nerd:''' ''[shocked and happy]'' I did it! I did it, I won! I beat ''Predator!'' Oh, man. Ooh, boy. ''[exhales and reads text]'' &quot;Congratulations. You have survived.&quot; ''[deep sigh]'' Barely! ''[throws the NES controller.]''

=== [[w:Ghosts 'n Goblins|Ghosts 'n Goblins]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': Happy Halloween. And guess what I have here? I was doing an autograph signing not too long ago, and one of my fans hands me this piece of paper. It's a petition to review ''[[w:Ghosts 'n Goblins|Ghosts 'n Goblins]].'' Yeah, he went through the line and got everybody to sign it. Now, what's there to say about ''Ghosts 'n Goblins?'' Well, it's not a bad game. It's made by Capcom so how could it? But, it's one of the most difficult games in the NES library. This game is harder than fossilized triceratops turds! I'm talking Mega Man combined with Castlevania, that kind of hard. Games this ruthless and unforgiving should be illegal. And I never got a petition to review any other game. That's a true testament to the game's legacy and the internal frustration that scarred us all since childhood. I remember my first time playing it: I got it for my birthday, the same day I got my NES.
:'''Young James''': You wanna play ''Ghosts 'n Goblins?''
:'''Young April''': Yeah, I do!
:'''Young James''': Look!
:'''Young April''': I do!
:'''The Nerd''': Of course I had the ''Super Mario Bros./Duck Hunt'' combo cartridge, but the first game I attempted was ''Ghosts 'n Goblins.'' That's right, this is the first NES game I ever played. And that's one Hell of a game to start with.
:'''Young April''': Go on, shoot 'em, shoot 'em!
:'''Young James''': I don't know how!
:'''The Nerd''': Naturally, I got my ass kicked. This is what it would've looked like my first time playin' the game. I sucked balls. This new console was way different than the Atari 2600 I was accustomed to. In the 80's, these were the kind of brutal-ass games that kicked us into shape and heightened our senses. Made us into fuckin' tigers. And now, 25 years later, I'm gonna put my gaming skills to the ultimate test, and see if I can finally beat this fucker. Because, it's Halloween. There's no excuse. I can feel in the air. The time is right to play some Ghosts 'n Goblins.
:''[The Nerd inserts the game and thunder claps and lightning flashes]''

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:'''The Nerd''': It begins with one of the most shocking intros in video game history: A couple just got done having sex in a cemetery. I'm not even kidding! What else does it look like? He's not even wearing clothes! Next thing, Satan shows up as if saying &quot;Yeah, I want to get in on some of that!&quot; and takes her away. That's the plot. Is that the greatest opening to an NES game or what?

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[after getting killed by Satan]'' And now you're stuck with that shitty shield. Don't even try. You can't kill the Unicorn with the shield. It doesn't work. If someone else wants to try it, go ahead. You need the knife. So now, you gotta go ghostbusting. Kill those fucking ghosts until one of them drops a knife. Again, it's at pure random. So, expect to run the timer out a few times. And by this point, those annoying squeals the ghosts make will nearly drive you to break the fucking TV screen. ''[ghosts make squealing noises and the Nerd mimics it]'' '''''OH, SHUT UP!!!'''''
:'''The Nerd''': Finally, when you get the knife back, you can try the level again. ''[The Nerd is fighting Satan]'' C'mon, c'mon, c'mon! I'm gonna do it! ''[dies and exclaims with frustration]'' '''''FUCK!''''' ''[to the Jack O' Lantern]'' '''WHAT'RE ''YOU'' LAUGHIN' AT?!'''
:'''The Nerd''': You know that feeling you get when you ''almost'' beat the level, and you want another shot right away? You have that adrenaline going, and you want to start again immediately? Well, you can't. You gotta go wait for the fucking knife to come back. So, you'll never get two tries in a row. You know what? I'm sick of it! I've been playing this fucking game since the 80's. I gotta beat it! I need closure on this. I need to end this chapter on my life. This chapter of...not beating Ghosts 'N Goblins. ''[he barely beats two Satans as he gasps in joy]'' I did it! I beat two Satans! In my underwear!
:'''The Nerd''': Final boss: The Devil! Notice how I'm walking backwards. So, it's now in one-on-one fighting mode. Kinda like a certain other Capcom game. ''[gets hit and exclaims]'' Come on! My mother throws bigger fireballs than that.
:''[The Nerd defeats the Devil and is shocked but relieved]''
:'''The Nerd''': You know what? I don't try to be cocky or anything but... '''''who's the man?''''' I just beat one of the hardest games of all time! I bet you didn't think I could really do it, but [[w:Dawn of the Dead (1978 film)|I got this, man. '''''I GOT THIS BY THE ASS!''''']] ''[notices text on the screen]'' &quot;This room is an illusion and is a trap devisut by Satan. Go ahead dauntlessly! Make rapid progres!&quot;? ''[starts again from the beginning of the game and is horrified and speechless]''
:'''The Nerd''': You have to beat the game twice? ''[chuckles sarcastically]'' You have to beat the game twice in a row. That's just great because this time I'm ''[angrily]'' '''''TWICE AS FUCKING PISSED OFF!!''''' Beat the game twice. I'll show you twice. After all that hard work, who would want to do that shit again? It's like building a house and when you're finished, you tear it down just to build it one more time. &quot;Oh, yeah, we could've made 12 stages, but instead, let's just make six and make people have to play the game twice.&quot;
:'''The Nerd''': All right. I'm gonna get the good ending this time. It better be good, whatever it is. It better be something awesome for goin' through the game twice. All right. '''''All right!''''' ''[beats the game again]'' '''''YEAH! I did it!''''' ''[reads the ending screen]'' &quot;Contraturation. This story is happy end. Thank you. Being the wise and courageour knight that you are you feel strongth welling in your body. Return to starting point. Challenge again!&quot;?
:''[The Nerd is angrily speechless, and rage builds up inside him, and tries yelling &quot;Fuck!&quot;, but can't.]''
:'''The Nerd''':  Curse! Curse, Goddamn it! ''[grunts]'' I used up all my &quot;Fuck&quot; points during the last 107 episodes. ''[sighs]'' I don't have anything new. I gotta rely on the old tricks.
:''[The Nerd starts fighting the Ghosts 'N Goblins cartridge Final-Fantasy style]''
:'''The Nerd''': All right. Let's try the cluster F-Bombs. Fuck this fucking piece of shit fucking shit fucker game!
:''[Ghosts 'n Goblins attacks the Nerd]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[grunts]'' Uh, gotta go for the Precision F-Strike. ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, how this game lures you in with its appealing gameplay, and charming atmosphere, and then ''[angrily]'' '''BENDS YOU OVER AND ''FUCKS'' YOU TO HELL!!'''
:''[Ghosts 'n Goblins attacks with diarrhea blast]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[exclaims]'' All right, how about some Wordplay? Alliteration. Feast on some fried fuck-farts! Assonance. What's up, you dumb fuck-tuple mother-humpin' muppet-fucker's uncle?! Uh, Rhymes! Suck on this muck, you run amuck fucked-up, uh, mandarin duck.
:''[The Nerd misses and Ghosts 'n Goblins attacks with blizzard of balls]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[groans]'' Alright, when all else fails, it's time for the Atomic F-Bomb!
:''[The Nerd roars and the 8-bit word flies toward the screen]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[roars]'' '''''FUCK!!!!'''''
:''[Loud explosion kills Ghosts 'n Goblins]''

=== Atari Sports ===
:'''The Nerd''': Most of the video games I talk about are... action games, sidescrollers, games that are in the realms of fantasy. But, there's a huge, huge following for games based on sports. And I get a lot of requests for that, and I'm not really a big fan. Because, I don't know, I-I guess I like fantasy games more because it's something that you couldn't do in real life, whereas a sports game you ''could'' go outside and play sports. It's possible. Not for me, 'cause, I don't know anything about sports; I'm a fuckin' nerd.

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:'''The Nerd''': Football; Don't even get me started. And I'm not talking about the kind of football where they actually ''use'' their foot. I mean the kind where they slam into each other, like a bunch of barbarians! ''[he pounds his fist into his hand as he grunts]'' What I don't understand is why everything is always &quot;bowl&quot;. What, like a toilet bowl? Okay, I know at least what the Super Bowl is. It's the most anticipated football game in the season. And with so much testosterone and high energy going around, why is the halftime show always some pussy pop group? '''''GET METALLICA IN THERE OR SOMETHING,''''' it doesn't make any sense!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Alright. Back to football video games. ''Madden, Madden, Madden.'' ''Madden '91! Madden '92, Madden '93, Madden '94, Madden '95, Madden '96, Madden '97, Madden '98, Madden '99, Madden 2000, Madden 2001, Madden 2002, Madden 2003--'' '''''Who the fuck is John Madden anyway?!''''' He doesn't even look like an athlete! What is it with football? Everywhere you go, football! Go there, football! Football, football, football. Like, what the fuck? Sunday Football, Monday Night Football, Thursday Night Football, Football on Thanksgiving, Football on Christmas, and out of all sports, it's the one everyone goes fuckin' ape-shit over! '''''Makes them act like fuckin' maniacs!''''' ''[screams and crushes Rolling Rock can with his head]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[sighs in relief]'' Man. I gotta calm down. All right. If I'm gonna play some sports games, I gotta start with the Atari 2600. Yeah! This is when sports games were fucking sports games. Look at these titles; Baseball, Basketball, Football, not this ''Madden'' shit.  Just plain-ass, normal, everyday, no question about it, no NFL, no year, not named after a player, not named after a coach, not named after the referee's pet goldfish, no quarterback, dime-back, [[w:Nickelback|Nickelback]], simple, ordinary, un-embellished, unmistakable, crystal clear, as frank as Frankenstein, as blunt as an atom '''''BOMB,''''' one compound word, ''it's motherfuckin', goddamn, sons-of-bitchin', fuck, fuck, fuckin' '''FOOTBALL!''''' ''[growls and slams the cartridge into Atari 2600]'' And it's one of the worst games I've ever played in my life. Are these football players, or are they stormtroopers? Are they wearing helmets, or are these microwaves on their heads? Is it Team White vs. Team Naked? Is that a crowd noise, or is it the sounds of the ocean? Is that the entire field? Yeah, it is. And it's surrounded by... water, it looks like. Yeah, it's like an island. It's Football Island. ''[chuckles]'' In other words, Hell. I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna make it... Yeah. yeah...! ''[scores a touchdown]'' '''''TOUCHDOWN!''''' ''[screams then tackles the camera]''

=== [[w:Ikari Warriors|Ikari Warriors]] ===
:'''AVGN''': Here's another game I've had a personal grudge with since I was a kid. ''[[w:Ikari Warriors|Ikari Warriors]]'' on NES. Let's pop this fucker in and I'll show you how it goes. Two guys, tugging at their crotches, march up to the title, fire their guns around at nothing, and then you pick one or two players. Well, I'm not getting anybody to play this shit with me. So, I'm going solo like usual.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': An average game of ''Ikari Warriors'' lasts about five minutes. But you're in luck, there's a code. A-B-B-A. It brings you back to life. ''[dies]'' Oop. I'm dead again. A-B-B-A. ''[dies again]'' ABBA. Get used to that, you're going to be doing that a lot. ''[dies a third time]'' A-B-B-A.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''' ''[commenting on the slow nature of the gameplay]'': It's not horrible, it's just tedious as fuck and with one player, this is gonna take all night. I need a second player.
:''[The Nerd looks over to the end of the couch, behind which is the skeleton of Kyle Justin, complete with his fedora and a guitar. He nods to the camera, then gets up and walks over to the skeleton.]''
:'''AVGN''': A-B-B-A.
:''[Kyle slowly comes back to his human life form. Once he does, he sees The Nerd and groans in disgust.]''
:'''Kyle Justin''': [groans] I guess somebody needs a favor.
:'''AVGN''': Yeah. I need your help, to beat a game.
:'''Kyle Justin''': Let me-- let me guess. A shitty game?
:'''AVGN''': Yeah, a shitty game. ''Ikari Warriors''.
:'''Kyle Justin''': Yeah, I know that game.
:'''AVGN''': Oh yeah?
:'''Kyle Justin''': Yeah, I know what you could do with that game too.
:'''AVGN''': Uh huh.
:'''Kyle Justin''': Yeah, yeah. You take the game, and you take your ass cheeks as well, and you just open them up really wide, and you grease up the game and just shove it up your ass! I'm not helping you. Besides, you never play my theme song anymore.
:'''AVGN''': Yeah, the theme song. And I thought people were getting tired of that.
:'''Kyle Justin''': You thought wrong.
:'''AVGN''': Yeah, ''[to camera]'' I know. Alright, so if we do the theme song, will you play the game with me?
:'''Kyle Justin''': Fine.
:'''AVGN''': Alright. Let's do this. Play the song. 
:''[Kyle cracks his knuckles.]''
:'''Kyle Justin''' ''(playing scales on his guitar and singing)'': Do-mi-so-mi-do...
:'''AVGN''': Play the song. ''[Kyle clears his throat]'' Play the fucking song! ''[Kyle moistens his lips while getting spittle on the Nerd, then sings the theme song as the Nerd pantomimes frustration]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Okay, ''Ikari Warriors''. You know what &quot;Ikari&quot; means?
:'''Kyle Justin''': What?
:'''AVGN''': Anger.
:'''Kyle Justin''': Do you know what &quot;Warrior&quot; means?
:'''AVGN''': &quot;Warrior&quot;? No.
:'''Kyle Justin''': Brave soldier or fighter?
:'''AVGN''': Brave soldier or fighter.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Kyle Justin''': So who is this guy? Rambo?
:'''AVGN''': Well, if that's Rambo, who's the other guy?
:'''Kyle Justin''': Arnold Schwarzenegger?
:'''AVGN''': Which movie?
:'''Kyle Justin''': ''[[w:Commando (film)|Commando]]''.
:'''AVGN''': That'd be a fucking awesome movie! John Matrix and John Rambo, together at last! Of course it'd be &quot;Rambo and Commando'&quot;. Say that three times fast.
:'''AVGN and Kyle Justin''': Rambo Commando Rambo Commando Rambo Commando!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''(Just after entering Level 2, The Nerd and Kyle come up to a point where Kyle's character has become stuck inside a rock.)''
:'''AVGN''': You're not stuck. Stop fooling around. Get outta there.
:'''Kyle Justin''': I'm trying!
:'''AVGN''':...you're really stuck. ''(Begins lobbing grenades toward the rock)''
:'''Kyle Justin''': Just kill me.
:'''AVGN''': I'm...I'm trying!
:'''Kyle Justin''': No, kill me for real.
:'''AVGN''': Wait, wait, just wait for one of these missiles to come. ''(The enemy missile hits the rock and obliterates Kyle's character.)'' Alright. We're back in business now. ''(The Nerd then sees what happens next and gets a look of shock on his face; Kyle's character still cannot move)'' Oh, shit, you respawned inside ''another'' rock!
:'''Kyle Justin''': I've had it with this fucking game! I'm gonna blow my fucking brains out! 
:''(He picks up a Zapper, puts it to his head, and pulls the trigger. He flashes on screen four times, then disappears.)''
:'''AVGN''': ''(turns to where Kyle was sitting)'' A-B-B-A!
:''(This time, Kyle comes back to life with part of his body stuck behind the couch.)''
:'''Kyle Justin''': Aw fuck!
:'''AVGN''': You're right. Having two players doesn't help much.
:'''Kyle Justin''': Get me outta this couch, you damn Nintendo dork!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Yeah, made it to Level 3. And ''finally'' it looks different! But the music's still the same. Anyway, it looks ''so'' different it's like you stepped out of the jungle and into ''[[w:The Twilight Zone (franchise)|The Twilight Zone]]''. Look at all the white chocolate bars and scrotum guns.
:'''Kyle Justin''': ''[singing]'' White chocolate bars and scrotum guns. ''[stops singing]'' Wait, I don't remember the episode with the scrotum guns, but [[w:Nightmare at 20,000 Feet|the one with the gremlin on the wing]] was pretty good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Kyle Justin''': ''[singing]'' It's the game of life.&lt;br&gt;A, B, B, A.&lt;br&gt;It will bring you back today if you want it to.
:''[The Nerd has died again and is frantically trying to punch the code in.]''
:'''AVGN''': A-B-B-A! A-B-B-A! Fuck!
:'''Kyle Justin''': ''[singing]'' It will save you today...
:'''AVGN''': It didn't save me now!
:'''Kyle Justin''': ''[singing]'' and bring you back to life...
:'''AVGN''': Apparently near the end of Level 3, A-B-B-A stops working.
:'''Kyle Justin''': ...didn't save him today...
:'''AVGN''': Okay, so here's what we're gonna do. First, we're gonna use Game Genie to get infinite lives. ''[puts the NES Game Genie with the cartridge attached into the Nintoaster]'' Then we're gonna use a stage select code; that way we can go back to Level 3 and continue our fucking game. You can find the code in the classic book ''[[w:Jeff Rovin|How to Win at Nintendo]]''. Nowcheck out this code: &quot;right before the title screen, press: up, down, A, A, B, left, right, A ,B, up, A, down, right, right, left, B, up, left, A, right, B, left, right, A, left, up, A, down, A, right, left, B, select.&quot; ''[pauses incredulously]'' '''WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!?! Why's the code have to be so fucking long?''' And according to this you have to punch in the code before the titlescreen comes up!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': (after he tries to enter the code) So, I'm faster than greased lightning now. I can pull off the whole code before the title screen comes up, but turns out the book was wrong. To ''really'' find how to do the code you check out the VHS tape, &quot;Secret Video Game Tricks, Codes, and Strategies&quot;. Yeah, I used to rent this fucker from the video store all the time. But anyway, the real way to do the code is ''during'' the title screen, not ''before'' it. Let's try again. (enters the code during the title screen)
:'''Kyle Justin''':  ''(singing)'' Up, down, A, A, B, left, right, A, B, up, A, down, right, right, left, B, up, left, A, right, B, left, right, A, left, up, A, down, A, right, left, B and start.
:'''AVGN''': So here we are, back in level 3.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Anyway, the last stage is as hard as fuck. I hate these guys that swim under water. You cant shoot them when they're submerged, and they're too fast to outrun. What are these, human beings or fucking torpedoes?
:'''Kyle Justin''': ''(singing)'' Throw milk at them, just try it, might work.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Now let's see how bad this ending sucks.
:'''Kyle Justin''': ''[singing to the tune of the AVGN theme song]''
:'''You have accomplished'''
:'''the mission.'''
:'''You are the very prevailer'''
:'''that protect right'''
:'''and justice.'''
:'''I would express my sincere.'''
:'''Thanks to you.'''
:'''Take good rest!'''
:'''General Kawasaki'''
:'''AVGN''': Get back behind the couch.
:'''Kyle Justin''': ''[still singing]'' He's the Angry Video Game Nerd.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''Kyle Justin's &quot;Scrotum Guns&quot; song, version 1''
:'''We might be past the scrotum guns&lt;br&gt;But I haven't forgot them&lt;br&gt;'Cause they are so hairless&lt;br&gt;Where did their hair go?&lt;br&gt;Ooh, where did their hair go?&lt;br&gt;Where did their hair gooo?&lt;br&gt;Where did their hair go?'''

=== [[w:Toxic Crusaders (video game)|Toxic Crusaders]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Why's there always gotta be bats?!
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': Bats, th-these aren't bats, Nerd, these are cats with wings! When-when I was a teenager at Tijuana, I-I had some pussy with wings. ''[AVGN smiles and snickers before covering his face with his hands]'' And-and-and th-that's what it's all about, man! ''[AVGN laughs offscreen]''
:'''AVGN''': Yeah. How do you like this? World 2-4, World 2-5, and we're still going. And it's a portable console! You can beat Super Mario Land at a time--
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': ''[Interrupts the Nerd]'' Wh-What are you talking about?! You want something to, uh, take a long time to beat?! Would take me a long time to beat off to Justin Beiber, man! And uh...
:'''AVGN''': ''[nods in agreement]'' Takes a long time.
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': Long! My penis is pretty damn long right now! ''[AVGN snickers offscreen]'' And I'm... I'm not even flaccid.
:'''AVGN''': Look at all the &quot;Z&quot;s on the fence. That's exactly how I feel when I play this game. ''[Lloyd Kaufman yawns as he falls asleep with the controller in his mouth]'' ...Like going to sleep. ''[AVGN glances at him and nods]'' Alright, alright, okay, okay, okay, okay!
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': ''[suddenly wakes up and hallucinates]'' Ah, where am I?! ''[whimpers as he twiddles with the SNES controller]''
:'''AVGN''': Alright.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Well, as you can see, you can tell it's another beat 'em up game. So what do you think of that chopper? Why's it have so many colors?
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': Well, uh, the chopper is made out of a tie, man. And it's tie dye. That's why it is those many colors. ''[AVGN shakes his head before he and Lloyd Kaufman struggle over the controller]'' Give me that! Give me that! I want that!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': What 'bout the music? Couldn't they have something more upbeat and action-packed? ''[volume of background music from Toxic Crusaders for Sega Gensis increases]''
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': I love it. I love it. I...It makes me want to strip, Nerd. ''[actually removes his coat along the music while AVGN quickly glances and shakes his head]'' I wanna take my clothes off.
:'''AVGN''': Okay, okay, okay!
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': Ah, I love this music.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&gt;
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': ''[having such difficulty playing]'' Fuck! Jumpin' Jesus on a... fuckin' pogo stick! Fuck! Dick! Quack! Weewee! Doodle! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuhh!
:'''AVGN''': And that's what happens when we go from the movie, to the show, to the game - it's like putting a golden egg on a mountain of shit, and then you roll it down and it gets shittier and shittier and shittier. By the time it gets to the bottom, it ain't the same. ''(to Lloyd)'' And look; that's your name on it! That's your name on this game!
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': I spit on my name! ''[makes spitting noises]''
:'''AVGN''': What you created that's great got transformed into a mutated anomaly that'd make the Pope weep. They made a mockery of your shit, man! What're you gonna do about it?!
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': What am I gonna do about it, what am I gonna do about it?! I'm gonna shit on this, I'm gonna take a huge dump, here I go, and I had baked beans for dinner! (removes the cartridge from the Nintoaster, and puts it on the floor) You want shit, you shitty fuckin' game?! Well, here it comes, here it comes! ''(drops his pants and lets loose shit as the Nerd watches in horror)'' You shitty shit game, how'd ya like that?!
:'''AVGN''': UGH, IT'S NASTY, OH, GOD, OH! ''[his stomach rumbles and he pukes on the pile of shit as Lloyd laughs insanely]''
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': Ah. That'll teach you, you fuckin' game.

=== [[w:Bill &amp; Ted's Excellent Video Game Adventure|Bill &amp; Ted's Excellent Video Game Adventure]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': What happens when you take an 80s comedy film like ''[[w:Bill &amp; Ted's Excellent Adventure|Bill &amp; Ted's Excellent Adventure]],'' and turn it into an NES game? Two guys are struggling to pass their history course, so they go back in time in a phone booth to get the aid of famous historical figures. It's dumb, but it's great entertainment, and a video game adaptation seemed like a good idea. It had fun characters, time travel, and adventure. So how could you fuck it up? You wanna know? ''[Metal rock music plays as the Nerd reveals the LJN logo.]'' ''That's'' how.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Who are these &quot;time rebels,&quot; and why do they want to do this? Well, guess what. They're never referred to again. Yeah, they're just for your imagination. ''[a thought bubble with the time rebels appear]''
:'''Blue-Haired Rebel''': Man, wouldn't it be funny if we put Thomas Edison in Ancient Egypt? ''[chuckles]''
:'''Green-Haired Rebel''': How about Galileo in the Jurassic period? ''[they both chuckle]'' We're assholes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So where is Rembrandt? You can explore this whole land, but you won't find him anywhere. That's because you need to lure him out, with bait. What is he, a fucking fish? The bait can be any random object. There's four of them hidden on each stage; one of them will make Rembrandt appear in one of the random houses. How do you find this bait? You wanna know? Guess what? By jumping into things! ''[the Nerd jumps into a tree, and falls]'' This game treats you like an idiot. Like, &quot;Hey kids, you wanna play a Bill &amp; Ted game? Well, here you go! Go jumping around into fucking bushes and fences! That'll keep you busy! Have fun!&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Fuck the townspeople, fuck not knowing where to go, I'm gonna get the power. Nintendo Power! ''[searches for a Nintendo Power magazine as he jumps and falls]'' Wasn't there. ''[jumps and falls again then finds a Nintendo Power magazine]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': The correct item is supposed to be something that would belong to this historical figure, and here is where the game could've been somewhat educational. But instead, it's a joke. For example, for Julius Caesar, you're supposed to give him salad dressing. ''[fake laugh]'' For Thomas Edison, you're supposed to give him a compact disc. Yeah. Let's not change history, by the way. For Cleopatra, a credit card. For Elvis, a gravestone. Here you go, Elvis! Here's your fucking gravestone! You're gonna die! For King Arthur, the Holy Grail. Yeah. Entire stories have been written about finding the Holy Grail; you're going to find it by casually slamming into a bush or fence. Just a little side quest. For Jesse James, an Uzi. You're going to give Jesse James a fucking Uzi? You're going to give a notorious outlaw a more contemporary weapon! Yeah, just help him out! Might as well give, I don't know, Vlad Tepes an atom bomb? Anyway, I give Rembrandt the Paint Roller, and he says, &quot;Let's party.&quot; That's exactly what he'd say. He also mentions that he'll pay for the call. &quot;Of course, here's some coins for your phone booth time machine from the future.&quot; And now, we have to go through the damn time circuits again. ''[a phone booth time machine runs into a pink skull, and The Nerd runs out of coins]'' My coins ran out. Didn't that motherfucker say he was gonna pay? ''[stage restarts]'' Aw, great! I have to roam around this fucking stage again, looking for coins? I've had enough.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': I'm losing my faith in the NES library. Was there ''any quality control here,'' you know, that-that, um, seal of quality, did that mean ''anything?!'' Did anyone look at these games before they dumped them in the back of every KB's and Toys &quot;Я&quot; Us?! How many of these games are worthless?! '''''All the LJN ones, I can tell you that,''''' but there ''are'' good games here, ''there are!'' ''Zelda,'' ''Mario,'' ''Metroid,'' ''Contra,'' ''Castlevania,'' ''Mega Man,'' '''''but then, A BIG FUCKIN' SHITSTORM HIT IT! A SHITSTORM OF HORRIBLE GAMES! And at the middle of it all, a rainbow! A rainbow of shit! LJN! And Bill and Ted...might even be...THE WORST LJN GAME ON THE NES!''''' It doesn't just have some &quot;flaws,&quot; there's no good and bad. This game is ''all bad.'' Like, I'm impressed! How did they do it? How did they make it so bad? Bad doesn't even describe it! It's disgraceful! It's ''putrid!'' In fact, I even looked up the word &quot;putrid&quot; in the dictionary. There's no definition. '''It's just a picture of ''Bill and Ted'' on NES!''' Curse this fucking game! Curse the plastic that encases this dung heap! Literally, it's a plastic shell '''''filled with shit! IT'S FUCKIN' SHIT!''''' ''It's... it's ass, it's garbage...'' And that's it, good night.
:''[walks off screen for 2 seconds, before coming back]''
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, wait, I forgot to mention as a matter of fact, it also sucks monkey fuck, and it's a worthless pitiful pile of ''snot-dripping, pus-bubbling, '''wet, steaming mountain of buffalo butt dump,''''' and mere descriptions can't even describe the '''''inane lack of common sense''''' that even a ''child'' would possess when making a game with chalk on a sidewalk. I can't even come up with a description that's foul and '''''disgusting''''' enough to even come ''close'' to this rancid abomination. Can't describe it. I'm done; For real this time.
:''[walks offscreen for 7 seconds, and returns]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[yells]'' '''''THIS GAME IS DIARRHEA COMING OUT OF AN OLD WOMAN'S BLEEDING VAGINA! IT'S FUCKIN' TERRIBLE! WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!''''' ''[angrily]'' I know; They ''weren't'' thinking.

=== [[w:Tiger Electronics|Tiger Electronic Games]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': Tiger, on the other hand, continued well into the 90s. In fact, I remember these things being more common in the 90s than ever. They kept pouring obsolete games into stores, and we were still buying them. They wouldn't die off! They were like cockroaches! By giving people a cheap alternative, they managed to coexist with the Game Boy. Yeah, this Tiger definitely rose up to the challenge of its rival, had the guts, got the glory, went the distance, now it's not going to stop! It's literally a Survivor!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Tiger games were so outdated they were never ''in''-dated! They were a fad, like Pogs! If they were an experiment in the 70's and they only made a few of them, then I could accept that. But no, they milked these things for all that they're worth! You thought LJN was the grand champion, the almighty shitty game factory? Tiger put LJN to shame! Sure, LJN laid down turd after turd after turd, but Tiger was like a machine gun ass shitting out turdturdturdturdturdturdturdturdturdturdturd! These are the worst games I've had the honor of playing, if you can even count them as video games! People have discussions like &quot;Are video games art?&quot; or something like that. Well, I have a better one: are Tiger games video games? These are a caveman's version of video games! These were a step back in human evolution! These are the most desperate attempt at entertainment! You could save up for a Game Boy, or just go ''[mimics playing a game with the sound effects]''. Yeah, well ''[mimics game sounds to motions of jerking off and flipping the bird]''! Just what the hell? How did they waste so much plastic to make these things?! It brought the game industry down as low as it could go! It's proof that Jesus died in vain and legally changed his middle name to Fucking! The only thing I could think of to use these things for is to wipe your ass with it! You might as well save that toilet paper! It's worth a whole lot more! ''[he drinks Rolling Rock]'' But I'm not done, am I? Oh, no. I've actually gotten into this point. It's time to talk about the wrist games. ''[he holds up a Tiger wrist game and groans disgustedly]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Now check this out: Batman Returns, the wrist game. Oh, boy... (The Nerd tries to open it) Wait, I can't get it open. Good. God, I hate this shit! You know... You know what's bullshit?
:''[The Bullshit Man appears as &quot;You Know What's Bullshit&quot; theme song plays and the Nerd looks in shock]''
:'''The Bullshit Man:''' '''YOU KNOW WHAT'S''' '''''BUUUUUUUUULLSHIT?!''''' ''[gives the Nerd a pair of scissors]'' Packaging that you need scissors to open! Even with the scissors, it's still a pain in the ass. Why's this plastic so fucking strong? This stuff is bulletproof. Nobody wants this shit, so why do they do it? They use it on everything! This kind of packaging should be outlawed! Why does it still exist? I especially &quot;love&quot; when you buy scissors and you need scissors to open the scissors. What fucking idiots think this is a good idea? They don't care. By the time you're having this problem, you already bought it. Packaging like this is bullshit. ''[leaves]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Thanks, Bullshit Man. ''[looks at the Tiger wrist game and sighs]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing the Batman Returns wrist game]'' Wow, look at how badass this game is. Yeah, this is the hot shit right here. You'd be so cool going around wearing this thing. Yeah, you'd be walking around school with this thing on, and everybody else is talking about what the new hot video game system is going to be. ''[scoffs]'' Nintendo 64? The Bit Wars? ''[chuckles]'' 64 bits. 32 bits. 16 bits. 8 bits. 4 bits! 2 bits! 1 BIT! HALF-BIT! QUARTER-BIT! ''[shouts hysterically]'' '''THE WRIST GAME!!!''' And you thought that was it for Tiger, huh? Handheld games, wrist games, Tiger ''(computerized voice)'' Pokémon Walkie Talkies?! Yeah! That's not enough? Well, how about '''a whole fucking Tiger game console?!''' In 1997, this was Tiger's belated answer to the Game Boy. You'd think it was called the Game-Dot-Com, but it's actually the Game.com.
:'''Game.com bootup voice''': GAME.COM ACTIVE.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': So, that's the Game.com. Needless to say, it flopped, especially with Nintendo dominating the portable gaming market. So, hey, why not just follow whatever Nintendo's doing? That mentality is what brought us what I think, so far, is the worst video game console I have ever played: the R-Zone. This is basically a shitty version of the Virtual Boy. Yes, I said that, as if the Virtual Boy wasn't shitty enough. Just look at it! What planet did this thing come from?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Just when you thought the most sorry, pathetic excuse for a video game was the Tiger wrist games, oh no. ''[points to wrist game]'' Imagine playing one of these, up close to your eye in red-and-black. ''[shot of the gameplay from the R-Zone's ''[[w:Batman Forever|Batman Forever]]'' game]'' '''GOOD LORD!''' You thought I was kidding. But it's true. This actually happened. Unlike the Virtual Boy, which causes eyestrain and headaches within minutes, this thing does it immediately!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I love how the advertisements always show a kid playing it. Look at his expression. He's horrified, and in the commercial, the kid's screaming in agony!
:'''Rodger Parsons (Pokémon Narrator):''' You better not blink.
:'''Kid''': ''[screams]''
:'''Rodger Parsons (Pokémon Narrator):''' Indy 500 roars into the R-Zone!

=== [[w:Alien 3|Alien 3]] ===

:'''AVGN''': It's the Halloween season again, and I can't miss the occasion to celebrate by torturing myself with another assanine game! Alien³ on NES, based on the movie. The first movie, Alien, was like a slasher film set in outer space; the second movie, Aliens, brought the action genre into the mix and gave it a wider mass appeal. It made a huge impact on not only film, but video games. The concept of shooting down hostile aliens, fighting for survival, was perfect for video game adaptations. It's no wonder why so many games like Contra and Metroid were influenced by the Alien movies' art style and their feelings of solitude, confinement and claustrophobia. Can you even count how many games blatantly ripped these movies off? The first two Alien movies were masterpieces, but the one we got on NES was the bastard sequel, the unholy 3 that had mixed reactions: some people like it, some people don't. It's not a terrible movie, but it's not great either. But, you know, I'm not gonna get all into right now. Monster Madness. So let's take a look at the game. Is this good enough for Halloween? I mean Alien³ is a horror movie. Is this scary enough? (He notices the LJN logo on the cartridge. The lights dim to a flickering red as the film's signature Nostromo self-destruct sirens blare.) Okay, now it just got fuckin' scary!

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:'''AVGN''': Quality ass? QUALITY ASS? That sums up the whole thing. There is no quality assurance with this shitload of fuck. This game is as much fun as a witch's cunt. It's a shame that there was never a good Alien game on NES. Oh, wait. Actually, I take it back. There were some good Alien games on NES. They're called Contra and Metroid! Yeah. You know, it's not the worst LJN game, I have to say, nor is it even that bad of an NES game. It's playable, as much as the movie is watchable. Huh. Maybe that's what they were going for. In that sense, they got it right. It may not be a pile of goat puke-smothered buffalo diarrhea, it's just a pile of goat puke; hold the buffalo diarrhea. I don't even know if buffaloes get diarrhea. But it pains me to know that there's still more LJN games out there, and I just can't take it. I can't fuckin' take it anymore! (He leaves. Cut to the ending scene where he jumps off the platform and falls into the lava pits below. He cries out in agony as the Cinemassacre logo bursts through his chest.)

=== AVGN Games ===
:'''The Nerd:''' You know, there's been many games based on the ''Angry Video Game Nerd.'' Which is me. Yeah. All these years, while I've been busy playing shitty games, people have been making games about myself. There's been so many games about me, I can't even keep up. Unlike the majority of games I've ripped apart, these ones were made by independent game developers, usually single-handedly, all by themselves, and hopefully they will have growing careers and aspire to make better games than a whole company of Laughin' Jokin' Numbnuts ever could. ''[referring to LJN.]'' Another thing that makes these games different from the games I usually play, is that I have to play them on a computer. ''[The Nerd looks at the Commodore 64.]'' Hmm. ''[shrugs his shoulders.]'' Well, anyway, the first AVGN game I'm gonna look at is: ''The Angry Video Game'' by Eric Ruth. This was the first AVGN game that ever came to my attention back in 2008. You might be wondering: what took me so long to get around to it? Well, the answer is simple: That's how long it took to load it on my Commodore 64!

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:'''8-Bit Nerd:''' ''[a tombstone appears where the 8-Bit Nerd died, with only the word '''&quot;FUCK&quot;''' on it.]'' I'm dead! Fuck!
:'''The Nerd:''' Is that going to be my epitaph? ''[camera zooms in on tombstone]'' '''''&quot;FUCK&quot;?''''' 

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:'''The Nerd:''' The weapon is the worst thing of all. The beers fly in an arc, so, you have to get in the right spot to calculate the trajectory, and everything blocks your aim. Fuck, fuck! I can't hit this fuckin' fish! '''''Fuck! Dah!''''' These beers are like the rock in ''Friday the 13th,'' and I already told you how bad that is. ''[his eyes widen in horror, as he looks at the screen]'' Oh, no. Is that why the game was designed this way? All the random enemies and all those things, it's because those are the kind of things I complained about. '''''This game is all my fault.''''' ''[groans in disgust]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' It takes a lot of extra effort to put a game on a real cartridge, so how could you resist ''AVGN vs. Dr. Wily'' by ABOhiccups? 
:''[the screen scrolls up along a skyscraper, exactly the same as in Mega Man 2's opening.]''
:'''The Nerd''': It's gonna be me, isn't it? It's gonna be me. ''[a sprite of The Nerd is on the top of the skyscraper, instead of Mega Man.]'' Yeah, that's me!
:'''The Nerd''': So basically, it's ''Mega Man 2,'' but instead of Mega Man, it's me. I'm in ''Mega Man 2,'' one of the best games ever made, and I'm ''in'' it! If I could've foreseen that as a kid, I would have shit my pants. The other difference is that the levels are redesigned to be way harder than the original game.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': After the tutorial, you get a selection of stages. Clearly, it's the largest AVGN game yet. I'm using an Xbox controller, and the controls feel 100% fluent. There is no doubt about it: this is a legitimate sidescroller; proving that the genre is still alive and strong. We don't even need to go back to the past, we're still in the past. And why is the music so ''fuckin' awesome?''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': The death screen always generates a random quote, saves me the work of trying to come up with something. Let's try ''Dungeons &amp; Dickholes.'' ''[in-game Nerd descends a ladder, and the next screen scrolls down to reveal an impossible death trap, shocking The Nerd]'' '''''Now''''' this is going too far. When I came up with this idea during my Super Pitfall episode, I didn't know somebody would actually create this exaggerated death trap. I can't even blame anyone but myself. ''I'' came up with this! What was I ''thinking?!''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': And at the heart of it all, the final boss, my arch-nemesis. It's, '''''it's'''''...Fred Fuchs. ''[spelled &quot;Fred Fucks&quot; in-game.]'' It's the programmer, motherfucking Fred Fuchs. Finally, I get to kick his ass! Yeah, fuck you, Fred Fuchs! ''[growls]'' '''''FUCKS YOU, FRED FUCH!''''' ''[screams, and beats Fred Fuchs as he grunts]'' Got 'im! ''[in-game Nerd's text says, &quot;Oh shit, Game Land is falling apart!!&quot;]''
:'''The Nerd''': Whew! I feel like I played every bad game I ever played, all at once. And now others are playing it, because of me! It's like I shared all my horrible experiences. It's all my fault! '''''FUCK THIS GAME!'''''
:''[he Nerd imagines the many ways he's destroyed previous game cartridges. He moves in to strangle the Commodore 64, but stops once he realizes he can't destroy the game like that. Instead, the Nerd types a delete command and deletes the game once and for all, with a heavy, satisfying mash of the Enter key as the Commodore's screen reads: '''*FILE DELETED*.''']''
:'''The Nerd''': Take '''''that,''''' game.

=== AVGN Wish List (Part 1) ===

:'''AVGN''': ''(on Where's Waldo)'' It's as if the pages of the book have been chewed up, digested, and shat out an 8-bit ass! How can you find Waldo in ''this?!'' WHERE THE FUCK ''IS'' WALDO?! ''He'' doesn't even know where he is!

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:'''AVGN''': ''(after he plays the NES version of Where's Waldo)'' Imagine buying this piece of shit for 50 bucks. Nowadays, releasing a game this short would never be excusable. Well, anyway, we have a lot more games to get through, so stay tuned for Part 2. I'm gonna go get the games. ''[he walks around in different directions like Waldo in the cutscenes]''

=== AVGN Wish List (Part 2) ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''The Three Stooges.'' This has always been a huge request. I've dreaded this moment for a long time. ''[powers on the game, which displays the title screen for Ghostbusters II]'' What? ''Ghostbusters II?''
:''[The Three Stooges walk onto the title screen, and stop in front of the Ghostbusters logo]''
:'''Curly''': Hey, fellas. We're in the wrong game.
:'''Larry''': Hey, this looks like a kid's game.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[smiling]'' Now, ''that's'' funny.
:'''Moe''': You imbeciles!
:'''The Nerd''': I've always been a big fan of ''The Three Stooges,'' but the game's charm ends right after the title screen.

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:'''The Nerd''': [reviews ''[[w:Home Improvement: Power Tool Pursuit!|Home Improvement]]''] How do you take a family sitcom and turn it into a video game? Well, the plot starts out with Tim &quot;The Toolman&quot; Taylor on the set of his show, Tool Time. Remember the show within the show? So, his tools go missing, and he has to go onto the sets of other shows to find them.
:'''The Nerd''': I'd give this game a better chance if I could read the instructions. The instructions might help, right? Yeah, guess what, there is none. Technically not. The manual opens up to a fake sticker printed over the pages that says &quot;'''REAL MEN DON'T NEED INSTRUCTIONS'''&quot;! Very funny.

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing [[w:Pit-Fighter|Pit Fighter]] on SNES]'' As a kid, I never made it past the second guy. Even as a rental, it only made for about fifteen minutes of play-ability, if that, before ya turn it off and take it back to the video store. And I know it ''has'' to give you your health back at some point, but I've just made it to the fourth opponent, and still, they don't give you any health back. ''This is the worst Super NES game I've ever played!'' Worse than [[w:Super 3D Noah's Ark|Super Noah's Ark 3D]], worse than [[w:Shaq-Fu|Shaq-Fu]], worse than [[w:The Wizard of Oz (1993 video game)|Wizard of Oz]], worse than [[w:Lester the Unlikely|Lester the Unlikely]]! I am dead fucking serious! Even B-mode [[w:Double Dragon|Double Dragon]] was better than this, and that was on NES. Sure, it gets monotonous, and awkward at times, and you can only play as the same characters fighting themselves, but, it has much more fluid control and is ''way'' more fun than Pit Fighter.

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[after he plays [[w:Bubsy 3D|Bubsy 3D: Furbitten Planet]] for the PlayStation]'' Most of the games I own are junk. I'm hoarding junk! '''''I SURROUNDED MYSELF WITH FUCKING GARBAGE!''''' ''[sighs]'' All right, one more game, and then it's Happy Holidays and good fucking night. Let's end with ''[[w:Spider-Man and Venom: Maximum Carnage|Spider-Man: Maximum Carnage]],'' on Super Nintendo. Everyone says I should play this one, as if I haven't already played ''enough'' Spider-Man games. They're all '''''terrible!''''' But, maybe this one's okay. After all, I'm not sure how I missed it, because it's one of the only Super NES games that's red. Anyway, let's give it a try.
:'''The Nerd''': Well, the comic book cutscenes are, quite nice. The gameplay? Well, it's a beat-em-up game. Monotonous, but fun. The controls are responsive, and the hit detection works fine. The sound effects are good, the punches and grunts you hear all lend themselves to the fun, stress-relieving nature of these kind of games. It just feels good when you hit things. You can climb up on buildings, which offers some variety and breaks up the monotony. It can be a little frustrating, but not too bad. And the music is upbeat and energizing.
:'''The Nerd''': And what do I hear? ''[&quot;The Mob Rules&quot; by Black Sabbath plays]'' It's ''The Mob Rules,'' by Black Sabbath! I don't mean it just sounds similar, it's the '''''same song,''''' just a 16-bit rendition. It even does the solo! ''[16-bit rendition of Black Sabbath's &quot;The Mob Rules&quot; solo playing]'' I think it was just a rip-off, and that they never got Black Sabbath's permission, but it's still welcome to hear and adds to this games' enjoy-ability.
:'''The Nerd''': That's right. I found a good Spider-Man game. Better late than never. It's no masterpiece or anything like that, but it would have definitely been worth a rental at the very least. Who made this game?
:''[The Nerd turns over the box, revealing that is was published by...'''LJN!''' The Nerd's eyes widen in shock, and he drops the box in happiness realizing that LJN pulled through and published a decent game for once!]''
:''[&quot;White Storm Dam&quot; plays]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[in shock and happiness]'' My God. Oh, my God. '''''THEY DID IT... THEY PULLED THROUGH!'' OH, MY ''GOD!'' THEY MADE A GAME... ''THAT'S NOT A STEAMING PILE OF FUCKIN' SHIT!'' OH, MY ''GOD!'' THEY DID IT! THEY MADE A GAME THAT'S NOT SHIT!''' I found a gold, at the end of the rainbow-- Oh, maybe it's not gold, maybe it's bronze or somethin', but... '''''THEY MADE A GAME THAT'S NOT SHIT! IT'S NOOOT SHIIIIIT!'''''

== Season Eight ==
=== [[w:Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing|Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing]] ===
:'''AVGN''': This time, we're not gonna go too far back into the past. Only to 2003 with a PC game called ''[[w:Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing|Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing]]''. I usually stick to consoles, and I ''don't'' usually do games from the current millennium, but this is a huge request. I've been told countless times that it's one of the worst, if not ''the worst game'' ever made, but I'm sure that's an exaggeration. It just looks like a generic mediocre racing game with trucks. And it's from the new millennium, well after the pioneering days of gaming, after the ETs and Jekyll and Hydes, after the advent of quality control, so how bad could it be? Let's find out. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''[upon first experiencing the games lack of collision detection and physics]'' Soooo...what are the complaints here? This is ''awesome!''
:'''AVGN:''' &quot;Big Rigs: Over The Road Racing&quot;. &quot;Over the road&quot; is right! It's my way or the highway, and the highway ain't got shit. Oh my god...

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I'm not trying to find glitches! It just so happens that the ''whole game'' is a glitch! Look at this picture here; the hill turned into nothing, the tail lights are flying off the truck and this bridge is hovering over thin air! The support beams are ''so'' close to touching the ground, but don't. ''(His truck is pushed up through a bridge and he sees his opponent standing still)'' The fuck was that? Oh, by the way, that's the computer opponent who's still at the start line. Never moved. I'm literally running circles around him. Y'know, I kinda forgot I was in a race here. That ''is'' the purpose of the game. It doesn't matter which stage you're playing. The opponent always stalls at the start line and never moves an inch. You can spend the whole time driving through buildings, over mountains, and under bridges, and still win the race. What kind of challenge is that? Have you ever heard of a video game where you can't lose? How did the programmers ''forget to make the trucks move?'' Let's see if I can merge the trucks into one. (He tries to line his truck up with the opponent) Here we go. Eh, eh... ''(He succeeds)'' Yeah! That's some fine work. ''(He drives off and makes a whoosh sound)'' 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': This is the most unstable game I've ever played in my life. And would you believe, that the copy I own is ''a more recent'' version of the game? Yeah. The version that most people have played is commonly found on the internet, and is even ''less'' functional! In this version, one of the stages doesn't even work. If you try to pick this stage, it crashes the whole game. Not that it's any loss. It looks the same as any other stage. The truck you're racing against doesn't do anything different. It still sits there, waits for you to lap it and cross the finish line. Here we go. ''(He crosses the finish line, and the game text reads: &quot;YOU'RE WINNER!&quot; He looks at it in shock and snorts, and begins snickering.)'' Oh, no. No. ''(laughing uneasily)'' Oh, no! No! ''(continues laughing)'' &quot;You're Winner&quot; is the kind of stuff that turns horrible games into legend. It's the cherry on top the diarrhea shake. It's already been a popular internet meme for many years, but in the packaged version of the game that I own, it's been corrected to &quot;You win.&quot; Disappointing, I know.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': But there's at least one other version of this game, a newer one - version 3 as far as my knowledge goes - but anyway this one has a major advancement. ''Really'' big. Check this out; the other truck moves. Wow. No fuck. It's like we're actually having a race here. I'm gonna let him win just to see what happens. I hope it says &quot;You're a lose&quot; or something like that. Here we go. ''[Crosses the finish line, &quot;You win&quot; screen pops up. The Nerd looks in confusion]'' What happened?! How did I win?! Apparently, the other truck driver just decided to stop a little short. In other words; you can't lose! Why did they bother to release a new version if they didn't even fix the most basic thing?! But hey, the truck moves! So maybe this improvement pushes the game into the... pre-alpha stage. At best!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': These monumental blunders distract from all the regular flaws which would already be enough to fill any shitty game; most of the stages look similar, there's little variety, there are no sound effects other than the engine of the truck, the tail lights are fixated on the back of the trailer doors and they look like someone made them in Photoshop with a basic brush tool! Want me to prove it? ''[Creates tail lights exactly like the ones in Big Rigs in Photoshop]'' There you go. The street is always breaking up like the Glitch Gremlin paved over it, certain light posts are given strange colours that stick out from the rest of the game, the [[w:Arc de Triomphe|Arc de Triomphe]] appears twice in a row in a geographically inaccurate area, the trucks are referred to as &quot;cars&quot;, the &quot;Ultranav&quot; points you get from crossing checkpoints don't always go in order - what the fuck is &quot;Ultranav&quot; anyway? The timer goes outside the box and on top of all that the box that the game comes in is a '''complete lie'''! Never do the police chase after you. Maybe if that was just the front artwork, that would be excusable, but the back says, &quot;You'll be hauling loads and trying to stay one step ahead of the law.&quot; &quot;Deliver your load to its destination.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': What are they talking about? That never happens! Oh, no, no, I stand corrected. This game &quot;delivers a load&quot; all right - '''load of fucking shit'''! I'll deliver a load '''all over this fucking game'''! It's not even a game. It doesn't count as a game. If it were a game, you could lose. But you can't! It's nothing but win! &quot;You're winner!&quot; It's like the game feels sorry for you! [He drinks Rolling Rock]

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': This is not even ''close'' to a finished game - if you can call it a game. It's the '''worst game ever made'''! And I've played a lot, what is this, episode 118? So that is a big statement, but I'm '''DEAD FUCKING SERIOUS'''. It isn't as frustrating as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, no no, it's not as bad of an experience as that, but in terms of functionality, this is an all time low.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': You can't release something that's not finished! Who looked at this? I mean, who looked at THIS and thought, &quot;Yeah, that's OK. Put that out.&quot;? There's credits, which suggest that actual human beings were behind this. More than one. What were they thinking? Why would anyone want their name on this thing, and did any single one of them look at this and think &quot;Maybe there's still some work left to do?&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': By the year 2003, wouldn't there have been some kind of quality control? Even the worst games from the 70's had some playability. I would have assumed that Big Rigs was just some test game. Some kind of demo that a college student made, not an actual game that got sold in stores. It-it couldn't have been sold in stores. But, apparently, it did. This is the box. It came in a box! And it was rated by the ESRB! Someone from the ESRB looked at this game and gave it a rating! I know it's not their job to judge the quality of the game, but somebody looked at this and thought &quot;Wow. This is '''shit'''. But, E.&quot; Imagine buying this game, thinking it's gonna be a cool racing game, then you bring it home and play it and you get this. It's like a cruel prank. They should've recalled this game and gave out refunds. Imagine advertising this sort of thing. Imagine putting a commercial on TV for this shitload of fuck. I wonder what it would've been like. Hmm. (He imagines a TV commercial for &quot;Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing.&quot;)

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Mock advertisement, featuring gameplay footage, over the top production and a heavily tattooed James Rolfe wearing sunglasses, acting as a trucker]''
:'''Trucker''': Hey, kids! Strap yourself in for some action packed racing!
:'''Voice over''': It's Big Rigs!
:'''Trucker''': Eighteen wheels of thunder, and we've got '''trucks'''! Yeah... trucks!
:'''Voice over''': Big Rigs!
:'''Trucker''': Off-road traction! More power for non-stop driving action!
:'''Voice over''': Big Rigs!
:'''Trucker''': Over the Road Racing! Under the road, over the road, who knows?
:'''Voice over''': Big Rigs!
:'''Trucker''': Never lose a race again, You're always winner!
:'''Voice over''': With '''Big Rigs'''!
:'''Trucker''': Engines equipped with quantum phasing molecular mechanics to pass through solid objects so as to not interrupt the racing experience! '''Nothing''' stands in your way!
:'''Voice over''': When you're '''Big Rigs'''!
:'''Trucker''': Rear spinning tires with warp-drive velocity for interdimensional exploring! Leave the game behind and exceed the boundaries of existence!
:'''Voice over''': '''Big motherFUCKin' Riiiiiiggs'''!
:'''Trucker''': Drivin' around in fuckin' trucks!
:'''Voice over''': '''BIIIIIIIIG MOOTHHHERRRRRFUCCCCKIN' RIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGS'''!!! Big Rigs.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Well, there's one last thing left to find out. How fast can you go in reverse? Let's push the limits. (He drives in reverse, gaining speed quickly) The truck's fucking the ground. (The Nerd feels like he's traveling the speed of light, and the truck's engine noise becomes high pitched. He covers his ears) That noise! That noise, how high can it go?! [[Spaceballs|Light speed! Ludicrous speed! We've gone to plaid.]] (Screams wildly) '''''I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! WE GOTTA STOP!''''' (Releases the reverse key as the chair flies back, crashes into the video room) Oh, shit, oh, shit, oh, shit!

=== [[w:Penn &amp; Teller's Smoke and Mirrors|Desert Bus]] ===

:'''The Nerd''': The manual (and yes, there is a manual) says &quot;No, it's not an oversight. Does your life have a pause control?&quot;
:''[The Nerd chuckles weakly, groans angrily and is about to drink a Rolling Rock, but puts it aside]''
:'''The Nerd''': I'm drivin'. ''(hangs an air freshener on the camera)''

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[using a clamp to hold down the A button, just like in The Terminator (NES) episode]'' How do you like ''that'' trick, Penn &amp; Teller? If you can't beat the game, let the game beat itself.
:''[The Nerd walks away, and the bus is still driving, gradually veering off the right side of the road. The Nerd returns and sees what is going on]''
:'''The Nerd''': What, what? The fuck?! ''[grunts and tries to continue driving the bus, but is unable to]'' It's stuck! The bus is stuck in the sand. ''[The Nerd looks at the screen at in disbelief and takes a deep sigh.]'' They made the bus veer to the right on purpose. ''[groans]'' They thought of everything. God damn you, Penn and Teller! 

=== [[w:E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (video game)|E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''E.T.'' on Atari 2600. To begin with, it's not a game you just pick up and play. Most games this generation were very simple. Shoot a bunch of aliens, climb to the top of the screen, stop missiles or chomp down all the pellets, but E.T. is an enigma. With all these random symbols appearing at the top of the screen and falling in holes all the time, it's no wonder why gamers did not understand how to play this game. You have to read the instruction manual. So, once you understand how to play the game... '''IT ''STILL'' FUCKIN' SUCKS!'''

=== [[w:Beetlejuice (video game)|Beetlejuice]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': You know, what I'd rather do is trap a bunch of beetles in a jar, smush 'em with a lemon squeezer, and drain their juice into a shot glass. And no, I didn't say anything about drinking it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': I think the game has more to do with the star than the movie; I mean the star in the sky, the real Betelgeuse. It's a red super-giant that's going to explode one day. Does that not accurately describe the feeling you get from playing this piece of shit? This particular star is always pulsating; it's so inconsistent that it's sometimes called the ninth brightest star in the sky, but usually the tenth. These fluctuations in inconsistencies are exactly what they were going for with the unpredictable nature of this game. When you're flying all over the place like a spring-loaded turd in a pinball machine, that's just like the star itself, how it's been speculated to have changed course at one time or another, possibly because a nearby stellar explosion, or in this case, a fuckin' bug. I mean, here we have a game where what exists outside the edge in the screen could take effect or not; the absence of visibility will result in death, whereas the existence of something harmful but not visible will still be in effect! Is it any coincidence that a game with no definable boundaries would have such a distinct relation to a star with optical emissions that vary, making it hard to define the photosphere? Or what about how the star is surrounded by a circumstellar envelope made up of matter that's been ejected from the star, kinda like a mass of bees coming out of a beehive, and making an outer field around the hive? Betelgeuse is part of the constellation of Orion. That's what the ancient Greeks viewed it as but of course today we all know that's actually a skeleton shooting a fireball. Why would Betelgeuse be on the shoulder? Well, quite simply, anyone who's played this game as a kid has a chip on their shoulder whenever you bring up the name! And at last the game was released in May. That's the same month when Betelgeuse can be seen over the western horizon after sunset for only a brief period of time. Likewise, it was Western US gamers who played this right after sunset when their homework was done, and it was only for a brief period before they threw it to the ground, beneath the horizon. So yes, I'm convinced the game was based on the star, and not the movie... or you could just say they fucked it up, and took too much liberty with the source material. 

== The Twelve Days of Shitsmas ==

=== 1. [[w:Colorful Dragon|Tagin' Dragon]] ===
:'''AVGN''': Well, it's Christmas time, again, already, and that means... more shitty games for me. And I have a pretty big pile here, thanks to all you. All requests, a despicable dozen, and we are going to savor these juicy turds one day at a time. Because this is the 8th Christmas since I first started doing these Christmas specials, so we're going to do something a little different, a little excessive. 12 Days...of Shitsmas.

=== 2. [[w:ALF (video game)|ALF]] ===
:'''AVGN''': [After he opens a present] Oh no, it's ''[[w:ALF (video game)|ALF]]'' on the Sega Master System. Of course, it's based on the TV sitcom from the '80s. I used to love that show, just for the fact that the star character was a puppet. Ah yes, the loveable Alien Life Form &quot;ALF&quot; or Gordon Shumway who crash lands on Earth and lives with the Tanner family, not the Tanners from Full House. The goal is to collect special items to get his spaceship working so he can leave Earth and go home, along the way, having to avoid FBI agents who are out to get him. This is all strangely reminiscent of E.T. on Atari 2600. (Zoom in on an FBI agent) These guys are creepy, they look like pedophiles, perverts, child molesters. The way they're dressed in stereotypical trenchcoats and grabbing at the air, as if saying &quot;Come on ALF, I got some candy. I don't wanna hurt you, I just wanna... grope your little alien ass.&quot; (The FBI agent follows ALF into the kitchen) GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN YOU FUCKING SICKO!

=== 3. CrazyBus ===

:'''AVGN''': There's no goal unless you can see how high you can rack up the score. In other words, how long can you hold the D-Pad for! You like that game? You don't even need the game, just the controller and a timer! It would be more fun to stare at the wall! I have a whole new appreciation for Desert Bus! Big Rigs is more exciting than this shit! This broke the shit scale. This is a whole new higher level. First there's poop, then there's shit and then there's...DEFACATION!!

=== 4. [[w:The Ren &amp; Stimpy Show: Fire Dogs|Ren and Stimpy: Fire Dogs]] ===

=== 5. [[w:The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle and Friends (video game)|Rocky and Bullwinkle]] ===
:'''AVGN''': '''''EAT THIS, BITCH! YOU DON'T WANNA FUCK WITH A MOOSE THROWING BOMBS!'''''
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:'''AVGN''': Well there you have it, Rocky and Bullwinkle. Shitty game, shitty graphics, shitty music, shitty everything! Fucking big, clumsy moose! Bullwinkle, (Does a Bullwinkle impression) I'm Bullwinkle! '''MORE LIKE BULL FUCKING SHIT!'''

=== 6. [[w:List of Mary-Kate and Ashley video games|Mary-Kate and Ashley: Get A Clue]] ===

=== 7. [[w:V.I.P. (TV series)|V.I.P with Pamela Anderson]] ===
:'''AVGN''': This is a scumbag's idea of a game. &quot;Let's get some slutty girls and give 'em guns, huh huh!&quot;

=== 8. [[w:Lethal Weapon (video game)|Lethal Weapon]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Let me give you some advice. Never play a movie based game. You know why? Okay, okay. They FUCK you with the movie games! They FUCK you, they FUCK you! They know that you're going to buy the game and by the time you play the game and realize that you got fucked, it's too late. They don't care! And after fucking you, they fuck you some more. Who got fucked? The ones who bought the game. The ones who rented it were the lucky ones. They fuck you with the graphics, fuck you with the music, fuck you with the gameplay, they FUCK you, they FUCK you, they FUCK you! Walk off screen to select the character. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard of. That would be if I just walked off screen right now and somebody else came in.
:''[AVGN leaves the room and Mike Matei comes in the room to take his place]''
:'''Mike Matei''': I'm getting too old for this shit. ''[starts playing]''

=== 9. [[w:Porky's|Porky's]] ===

:'''AVGN''': What an experience Pee-Wee had. Can you imagine the story he has to tell? &quot;I was walking down the street. Narrowly avoiding a speedboat, a submarine on wheels, a parade of naked Dr. Seuss characters, a rabbit pig and dudes in cars. I fell down into a pond where I swung around on a pole and build a ladder up into a girls locker room shower with this weird blobby ghost tried to grab my dick. I DROPPED A BUNCH OF PYRO EQUIPMENT DOWN THE SAME HOLE THAT LEADS TO THE POND BUT SOMEHOW ENDED UP ON TOP A BUNCH OF SCAFFOLDING WHERE I WENT UP AND FINISHED IT ALL UP WITH A '''BOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!'''&quot; And that's why you gotta love Atari.

=== 10. [[w:HyperScan|HyperScan]] ===

:'''The Nerd: '''And yes, he just turned into a cheeseburger.

=== 11. [[w:Universal Studios Theme Parks Adventure|Universal Studios Theme Parks Adventure]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Universal Theme Park Adventure on Gamecube. A game based on a theme park, that was based on movies by Universal Studios, the giant movie making machine that made some of the greatest films of all time. From the classic monster movies of the 30's and 40's to the Spielberg masterpieces like Jaws, E.T. and Jurassic Park. Over the years, Universal Studios has celebrated its movie legacy by slowly converting its Hollywood studio location into a big amusement park for the public and destroying film history. You know the opera house set from the classic Phantom of the Opera that stood on Stage 28 for 90 years? Destroyed. The oldest surviving movie set in history gone over night to make way for a Harry Potter ride. But hey, Universal Theme Park was still a lot of fun. You know in the Back to the Future DeLorean and then there's volcanos and shit and then you're riding the bike with E.T. and then the...the truck comes and almost hit you and then you're on the waterfall and...then the T-Rex comes out and then...and then fucking Jaws is jumping out of the water and King Kong shaking the tram and then there's earthquakes and then there's those other movies that you don't even know what the fuck they are, nobody cares! It was awesome! By the 90's, this whole theme park idea was so huge, they opened up a new one in Florida. This is when Nintendo helped advertised it in the movie, The Wizard and then in 2001, Nintendo start promoting it again with this game (the Nerd inserts the disk into the Gamecube and turns the Gamecube on) which I think, sounds awesome. What a great idea to take all these movies and put them into one using the theme park as a way to tie them altogether and on a new advanced console. How could you go wrong?

:'''AVGN''': Well, only one present left. [Looks at the left present] Wanna take a peek? Yeah, let's take a peek. [Picks the last present then reveals the LJN logo as he feels shocked.] '''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!'''

=== 12. [[w:LJN Video Art|LJN Video Art System]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': It can't be! (Opens a present then reveals ''[[w:LJN Video Art|LJN Video Art]]'') LJN made a video game console. It's already bad enough they already monopolized the genre of shitty disfunctional video games, but now, to make a whole fucking console. The biggest turd LJN ever shat. Let's take a look.

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:'''The Nerd''': Ooh, no, oh, no, oh, NO! Oh, I hate these. These things come from Hell! These are the devil's pitchforks that you have to screw on the back of your TV!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
''[Upon turning on the video game system, the game just blares static]''
:'''The Nerd''': Well, you have to admit, this sure has a killer soundtrack. Yeah, next time you're having a conversation about best video game soundtracks; Mega Man, Castlevania, no, tell them about LJN Video Art. I can see it right now like, &quot;Uh, how does that one go? I don't remember that.&quot; &quot;Oh, it goes like: ''[imitates static sounds]''&quot;
:'''The Nerd''': The game has no sound... This is a unique specimen, not because it doesn't have sound, but because it outputs white noise, so technically, it does have sound, but it's fucking static! This kind of shit is the reason the Mute button was invented. Yeah, so turn the sound off, put on some Witchfinder General, and while you're at it, put on a different fucking game!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So, this concludes this marathon of crap, 12 shitty relics from the ass of the past. Hope you enjoyed it. Enjoyed in a strange way, I guess. You know, why do we focus on the bad memories? Why are we sentimental over the crappy past? I don't know, but I do know that the things of yesterday that were worthless, you all found some way to give them worth. You've done this, I've done this, we've all found ways to just make the best of things I guess. Maybe you're having a good holiday season, or a bad one, or an indifferent one, whatever the case I just want to bring you some joy. I hope you got a laugh, or even just a chuckle, uh, because it's that time of year, where everybody... make happy. Be a comedian. With all sincerity, have a Merry Christmas, happy holidays in general, and I'll see ya in 2015. Get ready for those [[Back to the Future Part II|self-lacing shoes, hoverboards and flying cars!]]

== Season Nine ==

=== [[w:Hong Kong 97 (video game)|Hong Kong 97]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': I've been called upon to take care of business once again. Apparently, there was a game worse than [[w:Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing|Big Rigs]]. Worse than [[w:Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (video game)|Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde]]. Worse than ''CrazyBus'' or ''Desert Bus!'' It was known as Hong Kong 97, and I've been getting requests for it up the ass. The requests are so far up the ass, it's time to shit 'em out! The game was made for the Super Famicom in Japan. But never saw its way to the rest of the world. This is one title that we definitely didn't get on the [[w:Super Nintendo Entertainment System|Super Nintendo]]. It was made by HappySoft. HappySoft was most famous for making... Hong Kong 97, their one and only &quot;masterpiece.&quot; (scene switches to an animated scene of HappySoft, rising from a fiery pit, shitting out Hong Kong 97) On this one occasion, they rose from the depths of Hell, excreted this unholy turd onto the Earth, and then descended back to where they came. (scene cuts back to real life) Supposedly, the game was so horrible, it barely even came on the Super Famicom at all. Stores rejected it and its release status is a mystery. It's so rare that to this day, not a single cartridge or physical copy has shown up at all. I can't even find a picture of one. So the only way I can experience this game... is the same way as the rest of the Internet.

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:'''The Nerd''': [upon seeing the word &quot;fuckin'&quot; in the game's intro story] This can't be real. No. No. Somebody's pulling my leg! &quot;A herd of fucking ugly reds&quot;? Was 'a herd of ugly reds' too weak? Did they really need the F word to FUCKIN' drive home the FUCKIN' point? 

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:'''The Nerd''': One hit, and the game's over. Why would I expect anything more? ''[Sees the game over screen, a picture of what appears to be a real corpse, accompanied by the text &quot;Chin IS DEAD!!&quot;]'' No... oh, please! I hope that's not a real dead body. No, there's no way they'd have such bad taste! That's gotta be an actor. Or... we're looking at some guy who died on that date and time in 1992. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': The strange thing is that Deng Xiaoping actually died in 1997. The game...predicted the future. In fact, 1997 was the year the United Kingdom returned the rule of Hong Kong back to China. The movie, from '94, forecast this in the tagline: &quot;99 years of British rule are about to come to an end. Hong Kong will never be the same.&quot; The movie stars Robert Patrick, the T-1000 from Terminator 2: Judgment Day, and Judgment Day takes place...in 1997. Part of Deng Xiaoping's ear is sort of cut off, like when Mike Tyson bit off a piece of Evander Holyfield's ear in 1997. The car, I'm willing to bet, is a Mercedes-Benz, in which Princess Diana died in '97. And what was the year Coca-Cola launched Surge? '97. And it's no coincidence all my surge protectors were made in China. Rebooting the entire game after you die? Just like Symphony of the Night. '97. Jackie Chan, uh, Rumble in the Bronx, uh, the Bronx, New York City, the Big Apple... [gasps] The year Steve Jobs returned to Apple in '97. The unstoppable, unrelenting song is called I love Beijing Tiananmen, also known as I love Peking Tiananmen. Peking Duck is a famous duck dish from Beijing. [gasps] And Scrooge McDuck had his 50th Anniversary in '97! The game was such a titanic failure. [gasps] Titanic, the movie from '97! Why was this game's sole purpose to direct us to the number 97? Huh. Like the NGC-97 galaxy in the constellation of Andromeda, the princess Andromeda who was chained naked to a rock to be sacrificed to a monster. Like Princess Leia and Jabba in Return of the Jedi. [gasps] The Special Edition of Star Wars in '97! Ah, fuck, we're back again. Man, I'm just trying to get a final answer here, but I went full circle. Like the song that keeps looping. A game that keeps repeating. Maybe it's all about a cycle. An endless cycle. Old, shitty games that become new again. The past becomes the future, birth and death, on and on, it's the cycle of life. The game is the meaning of life! And the thing that keeps life going; Reproduction...and food...which becomes shit. The game is fuckin' shit. There.

=== [[w:Darkwing Duck (TurboGrafx-16)|Darkwing Duck]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''[searching for a game to review that would supposedly give enough material]'' I got it, ''[[w:Mad Max (1990 video game)|Mad Max]]''! It was made by [[w:Mindscape|Mindscape]], proving that not '''''EVERY''''' NES movie-based game was made by LJN. See - LJN was like a cat, and the NES library was its litter box. When the litter box gets too shitty... the cat shits somewhere else. '''''Now''''' I'm on track.

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[reviewing the aforementioned game]''  Well, ya drive around, ya run around shootin' people, ya drive, shoot, drive, shoot, buy stuff, drive and shoot. I '''''wish''''' it were LJN because they would've given me more to '''talk''' about!

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:'''The Nerd''': Call me an explorer; I've been searching for the '''perfect''' shitty game. And I've seen just about '''''EVERYTHING''''' at this point! But ya know what? I'm gonna do something that I've never done yet. And that is to review a game, on... ''[turns his camera to the TurboGrafx-16]'' ...the TurboGrafx-16. '''''Holy shit.''''' ''[The TurboGrafx-16 floats out to the camera.]'' The TurboGrafx-16 was developed by Hudson Soft and NEC. Its original name in Japan was the PC Engine, which sounds like a computer on a train. No wonder they changed it. The games came on cards, which was unique. It was '''technically''' the first 16-bit console, made to compete with the NES, but it was soon trampled by two titans, the Sega Genesis and the Super Nintendo. Yeah, you were either asking your parents for the Genesis or the SNES. The TurboGrafx-16 was the one nobody ''gave'' a shit about. It didn't have as many third-party game developers workin' for it, but the benefit of that was that it meant less shitty games! The TurboGrafx library is less ''contaminated'' than the rest. That's why it's taken me so long to get to it. There's no '''major''' stinkers that stick out. But I might've found one. ''Darkwing Duck'', based on [[w:Darkwing Duck|the TV show]].  remember the show, but I'm not overly familiar with it, which is a fair spot to be in. I have no high expectations, or low expectations. By now, I've played some of the most '''''HORRIBLE GAMES''''' that are humanly possible to make: ''Plumbers Don't Wear Ties'', ''Big Rigs'', ''Hong Kong 97''; I think I've set the bar too high, or too low, depending which way ya look at it. So now, let's go into some more sensible territory; let's get serious. Or should I say... &quot;Let's get dangerous&quot;?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Great! The game just began and they tease ya with an item that you can't get! There's ''gotta'' be a way... Oh - I see, ya bounce on the skateboarding penguins' heads. ''[turns to the camera]'' How can I be so casual when I say &quot;skateboarding penguins&quot;?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': It's not like I ''have'' to get the D; I don't even know what it does! But it '''''pisses me off!''''' I feel like an ass! I can't let that go! I feel like I've been fooled! It's like a '''test''' from the game programmers! A challenge! Like, you put that D there, and '''''I'm gonna figure out how you intend I get to it!''''' ... I give up. There's a whole game ahead of me. Fuck the D; the D can '''''suck my dick!''''''''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': I've been playin' on &quot;Normal Mode&quot;. I'm changin' it to &quot;Easy&quot;. Huh. &quot;Easy&quot; and &quot;Normal&quot;. Should be called &quot;Hard&quot;, and '''''&quot;FUCKING BULLSHIT&quot;!'''''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Don't you think there'd be a reason why the window is broken? Doesn't it look like I can hop down there? ''(Darkwing jumps up to the cable)'' How 'bout hangin' on the power lines? Darkwing is actually reaching up as if he could grab on! But it never happens! It '''messes''' with your mind! It's a psychological sucker-front! A facade! It's the equivalent of an open door that ya can't go in!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So much shit comin' at me! '''''SO MUCH SHIT!''''' ''[The Nerd falls below the platform and into a different level. He is shocked.]'' What the fuck just happened? It's like you make one wrong step, '''''you go to the dungeon, BITCH!'''''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''':  You can't duck and shoot. Great. Well at least you can duck. You '''''ARE''''' a duck. I dunno what kinda fucked-up duck can't fuckin' duck

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd: ''' ''(As the Nerd waits for a correct time to jump, a safe falls on Darkwing's head, much to the Nerd's dismay. The camera cuts to him looking shocked by this. He then gets an angry look before opening his mouth.)'' ''(Screams angrily)'' '' '''FU.....!!!!''' '' ''(this is interwoven with multiple clips of the Nerd screaming; the final shot is an explosion)'' ''(angrily)'' '''If you stand still for TOO long, a safe drops on you! Like the game is saying, ''&quot;FUCK YOU!&quot;'' ''' '''&lt;nowiki/&gt;''' Might as well just be a giant middle finger. And it should be the only part of the game in 3D! Put on your 3D glasses! Get ready! Set! Fuck you, kids!

:'''The Nerd: '''This '''''could've''''' been a decent game. ''Darkwing Duck'' is '''''NOT''''' one of those concepts that's doomed from the start. The show had elements of action, crime-solving and humor. It's been done well before! ''(Footage of the NES version of &quot;Darkwing Duck&quot; is shown)'' There was an NES version which was basically like ''[[w:Mega Man (video game)|Mega Man]]'' but with a duck. It was made by [[w:Capcom|Capcom]], who of course made the ''Mega Man'' games, and ''DuckTales''. '''Those''' all turned out great, so what happened here? The control isn't just bad, it's '''''uniquely''''' bad. In an indescribable way.

:'''The Nerd: '''Every game with bad control has its own feel, its own identity. Making bad games is an artform. It's a delicate recipe. Some are worse than others. It might be a massive truck load of elephant shit, or, a pellet of bird poop. To explain '''''exactly''''' how bad it is, I've invented &quot;The Shit Scale&quot;.

:'''The Nerd: '''It begins with &quot;Games That Are Debatably Bad&quot;. '''Somewhat''' good games, with ''serious'' flaws. '''''Not''''' part of the turd crust, but well within smell range.

:'''The Nerd: '''Then you get to the &quot;High Level of Shit Contamination&quot;. Games that are ''possible'' to play, but nobody in their right mind would.

:'''The Nerd: '''Then ya get into the &quot;Very High&quot; category which encompasses the majority of LJN games. This is where you could still survive, but you'd come out traumatized... for life.

:'''The Nerd: '''Next is the &quot;Severe Zone&quot;. This is for masochists only. These are games that could kill a person. '''''STAY AWAY. Don't even think about it!'''''

:'''The Nerd: '''Then we have ''Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde''. Enough said.

:'''The Nerd: '''Finally, at the '''''EXTREME''''' end of the scale, &quot;'''MAJOR CODE RED'''&quot;; we have games that don't even '''''qualify''''' as games at all. They shouldn't even be '''on''' the scale! But they are. And that's so you know to beware. '''''NEVER''''' play them, '''''NEVER''''' talk about them.

:'''The Nerd: '''So where does ''Darkwing Duck'' fall on the scale? I'd say somewhere around... here. ''(&quot;Very High&quot; category)'' Of course that means there '''are''' games that are worse, but from what I've seen so far, ''Darkwing Duck'' is the '''''WORST''''' game on the TurboGrafx-16. Being the worst at something is quite an achievement. I'm the fuckin' Nerd, I'll see ya next time. ''(The Nerd throws the game and grunts angrily)'' '''Nnrgh!'''

=== [[w:Seaman (video game)|Seaman]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': So what do you do in this game? Well, the instructions say: &quot;You are free to enjoy Seaman-&quot; ''[slaps the instruction booklet against his forehead]'' '''AW, NO, NO, NO, NOOOOOOO!''' '''IT'S SEA-MAN! SEA...MAN!''' Not ''semen.'' ''[awkwardly pauses for 2 seconds]'' '''AS IN JIZZ! SPLOOGE! MAN BAZOOKA JUICE!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Yeah, you wanna look cool? Put a Sega Dreamcast on your wrist with a TV and a gas-powered electric generator! You'd be so awesome! Let's play this.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Leonard Nimoy''': Then take the egg from the storage matrix...
:'''The Nerd''': Yeah. When he says &quot;Matrix.&quot;, he sounds like Galvatron.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[The Nerd watches in horror as the Nautilus thrashes around, bleeding out]''
:'''The Nerd''': Agh! Ah, that's repulsive!
:''[several Seamen spawn (Gillmen) come flying out of the Nautilus' corpse]''
:'''The Nerd''': ...Whooooaaaa... 
:''[one Gillman swims right up to the screen]''
:'''The Nerd''': GAH! OH, MY GOD! AHHH, GET AWAY FROM ME YOU MYSTICAL ANCIENT PHARAOH MOTHERFUCKERS! Ah! I gotta do it! I gotta do it for Nimoy! ''(gives the Vulcan salute)'' '''''FOR NIMOY!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[to microphone]'' Hello.
:'''Seaman''':''[sarcastically]'' Yeah. Hello. Whatever.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[to microphone]'' I just wanna talk.
:'''Seaman''': ''[sarcastically]'' Blahh, blahh, blahh. Happy?
:'''The Nerd''': ''[to microphone, annoyed]'' Yo, fuck-face!
:'''Seaman''': Let's be sure and get my name right, skin puppet. You're a pain in the fuck.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[to microphone, angrily]'' Suck my cock.
:'''Seaman''': Hey, Seaman don't play that.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[to microphone]'' I'll... (What can I do?) I'll tickle you.
:'''Seaman''': Are you coming on to me?

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[to microphone]'' Talk, talk. Speak, speak.
:'''Seaman''': Bite me.
:''[the Gillman flings a viscous substance at the screen]''
:'''The Nerd''': Did he just take a fuck? 'HE JUST FLUNG FUCK AT ME!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Whoa. That's deep, man. But it's bullfuck! The game demands I play by its schedule. So, what am I gonna do to pass the time? Well, I guess I'll play this Famicom Disk game, which roughly translates to &quot;Explosive Fighter Patton&quot;. Why? Because people told me so; they keep feeding me this shit. Let's check it out. ''[inserts the disk. The screen says: &quot;TURN TO SIDE-B AND INSERT TO FUCKING BOX!&quot;.]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[stunned]'' No. No way! It's an official Famicom disk game that says the F-word! And this was in the 80s; this was before Hong Kong 97! '''''IT'S AN OFFICIALLY RELEASED GAME ON A NINTENDO CONSOLE...THAT SAYS &quot;FUCK&quot;! OH, MY GOD, MY LIFE IS COMPLETE! IT SAYS FUCK!''''' ''[shouting]'' '''''IT SAYS FU....'''''
:''[brief montage indicating the passage of time]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[continues shouting]'' O-oh, I forgot about Seaman! ''[turns Dreamcast back on]''
:'''Leonard Nimoy''': I regret to inform you that Seaman has passed away...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Seaman''': Hey, guess what we're doing over here!
:''[two Gillmen are interconnected; the Nerd is shocked]''
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, no, no, no-no-no, please, please! The Seamen are mating. And they felt the need to announce it; to make it known! There they are; staring you right in the face! I didn't even know one that was female. They both have a male voice. That's not... logical.
:''[the top Gillman sinks to the tank floor]''
:'''The Nerd''': It dies? It got fucked to death?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Seaman''': In general, would you describe yourself as a confident person?
:'''The Nerd''': ''[confused]'' Am I confident in myself? Well--
:'''Seaman''': You don't have to be perfect to still be able to like yourself, so tell me.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[lying on the futon like a therapist couch]'' It all started with my pet albatross.
:'''Seaman''': The most important thing is that your dad knows how much he means to you.
:'''The Nerd''': I just feel like...nothing matters, you know?
:'''Seaman''': ''[each line interleaving with one another]'' If you manage to glimpse the world through each other's eyes, you have to keep up with technology. What will your future be like? It's a natural result of the world's economy becoming no reality independent of observation.
:'''The Nerd''': I-I never thought of it that way.
:'''Seaman''': Human beings are the only animals smart enough to entertain itself in a complex way. ''[the Nerd nods in agreement]''

=== The Crow ===

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Nerd''': Look at this ugly, murky mess. I'm sure they were going for a dark, moody atmosphere and all that, but don't you think it's a little too dark? It's almost just a black screen with yellow and red pools of light. Looks like somebody bled and pissed all over the place, after smearing the camera lens with their shit after taking a bunch of Pepto Bismol.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
'''AVGN''': This game is worse than a Mischief Night prank! Mischief Night is throwing toilet paper all over someone's yard. This game is the equivalent of throwing toilet paper after you wiped your ass! It's as refreshing as a horse's anus! Fuck The Crow up its bird ass! And fuck you, you fuckin' clown-faced joker kiss makeup wearin' King Diamond Beetlejuice Alice Cooper Marilyn Manson motherfucker!!

=== [[w:Mortal Kombat Mythologies: Sub-Zero|Mortal Kombat Mythologies: Sub-Zero]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': C'mon, c'mon - oh, get the fuck outta my way - ''[a monk gets crushed by a moving pillar]'' AH-HA-HAH! YEAH! DID YOU SEE THAT?! I FUCKIN' SQUASHED THAT BITCH! ''[A pillar squashes Sub-Zero]'' FUUUUUUCCCCKKK!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Afterwards, you get a cutscene. This is where I should mention that the game was also on PlayStation. It's very similar, but the most noteworthy difference is that on the N64, the cutscenes are still images and text, but with the PlayStation version, since it was a CD-based console, it was able to have full motion video and audio.
:'''[[w:Scorpion (Mortal Kombat)|Scorpion]]''': I am Scorpion. You killed me in cold blood.
:'''The Nerd''': Um... Just stick to ''[[w:Mortal Kombat: Annihilation|Mortal Kombat: Annihilation]]''. 


== Season Ten ==

=== Mega Man Games ===
:'''The Nerd:''' ''[first lines]'' It's been 10 years since I first began broadcasting to you through the miracle of YouTube technology. And since then, I've been trying to keep up with the times. I've just finished upgrading my vinyl record collection to cassettes. And I got a new cell phone... ''[he holds up an old-style Motorola mobile phone]'' (Check it out.) ''[Nokia fanfare plays]'' ...and I finally got one of those new rectangular TVs. I've been reorganizing all my game consoles, new video switchers, working out all the bugs, new shelves, I can now get behind my game consoles to reach all the wires, and of course, the ability to play games in HD clarity. Yeah, hi-def. ''Yeah.'' Now let's play some 8-bits.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' BLAM! Shootin' shit, running around in your blue underwear! It doesn't get any better than this. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' ''Mega Man II'' is favored by many. It's considered to be one of the supreme examples of these types of side-scrolling action games. It's the one everybody knows. Just like another Capcom game, ''Street Fighter II,'' which revolutionized the tournament fighter genre. I guess you can say Capcom made the best number twos.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Explosions! Dialogue! '''EXPLOSIONS ''AND'' DIALOGUE, AT THE SAME TIME!''' ''[Shouting]'' '''''OH, MY GOD!!!'''''
:''[Explosions occur in the Nerd's room with some dialogue saying &quot;This is Hunter Base. Do you read me? Are you all right? Any damage?&quot; interrupting for a brief moment then explosions resume while the Nerd yells]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''2016 Nerd:''' Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. ''[points at R.O.B.]'' Why is that there?
:'''2007 Nerd:''' I don't know, it just sits there.
:'''2016 Nerd:''' Get rid of it.
:'''2007 Nerd:''' Why?
:'''2016 Nerd:''' You'll know by Episode 100.
:'''2007 Nerd:''' Uh, Episode-- ''[stutters]'' ''What?!''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''':  Look, I know this sounds weird, but I've sorta been time-traveling around through AVGN history.
:'''Back Nerd''': Yeah. That's weird. We've never seen anything weird before.
:'''2006 Nerd''': What's AVGN?
:'''Right Nerd''': ''[with an idiotic smile]'' Audio Video Graphic Network!
:'''Back Nerd:''' ''[sarcastically]'' A VaGiNa.
:''[2016 Nerd just facepalms in annoyance.]''
:'''2006 Nerd:''' So what time did you come from?
:'''2016 Nerd:''' From ten years into the future.
:'''2006 Nerd:''' That's nice. Could you have picked a more confusing time to show up?
:'''Left Nerd:''' ''[sarcastically]'' Not confusing at all. Time-traveling back into a dream, that happens all the time! '''''MAKES PERFECT FUCKING SENSE!'''''
:'''2006 Nerd:''' Relax.
:'''2016 Nerd:''' All right, now look, I could tell you that Freddy's around the corner and he's waiting to kill all you, ''[Freddy's shadow gets annoyed, gives the middle finger, and walks away]'' but I'm gonna show you how much worse things could get. ''[shows the PlayStation Disc]'' Here is [[w:Mega Man Legends (video game)|Mega Man Legends]], on PlayStation.
:'''2006 Nerd:''' PlayStation? We're the Angry ''Nintendo'' Nerd!
:'''2016 Nerd:''' THEN CHANGE THE FUCKING NAME! It's about time!
:'''Back Nerd:''' How about Angry Nintendo Commentator? 
:''[2016 Nerd facepalms]''
:'''Right Nerd:''' How about Retro Nostalgic Video Gaming Shit Seeker?
:'''2006 Nerd:''' How about [[w:Nostalgia Critic|Nostalgia Critic]]?
:'''2016 Nerd:''' ''[in disagreement, as if saying, &quot;That's not gonna happen.&quot;]'' Now ''that's'' fucking ''stupid.''
:'''Left Nerd:''' How about &quot;Angry ''Video Game'' Nerd&quot;?
:''[The Nerds agree on the name]''
:'''Right Nerd:''' Yeah, that's good.
:'''Middle Nerd:''' I agree with that.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Mega Man walks toward a magazine rack]''
:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;There're some dirty magazines on the racks...&quot;?
:''[The Nerds have shocked looks on their faces, and they start laughing]''
:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;It might be fun to look at--&quot;
:''[The Nerds all exclaim things such as '''&quot;WHAT?!&quot;''' and '''&quot;OH, MAN!&quot;''' and '''&quot;OH, MY GOD!&quot;''' and having various looks on their faces, ranging from disgusted to laughing.]''
:'''Left Nerd:''' '''''MEGA MAN'S LOOKING AT PORN!'''''
:'''2006 Nerd:''' My life is complete!
:'''Right Nerd:''' ''[laughing]'' ''Mega Man X.'' more like ''Mega Man '''XXX.'''''
:'''2016 Nerd:''' Well, anyway, this guy's gotta take a shit, so take out that Nightmare on Elm Street cartridge and empty your ass all over it.
:'''Back Nerd:''' ''[in embarrassment]'' I wish you would've said that earlier.
:''[The other Nerds smell, gag and hold their nose after knowing Back Nerd defecated his pants.]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''2004 Nerd:''' You didn't play ''Jekyll and Hyde'' again, did you?
:'''2016 Nerd:''' ''[beat, shakes his head]'' ...No! Never... Mm-mm. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': I'm back. It's yours truly, the fuckin' Nerd, here to play some more shitty games. Let's pop this fucker in here-- ''[The Nerd picks up an SNES cartridge and is shocked to see it is [[w:Mega Man Soccer|Mega Man Soccer]]. He puts the game in the SNES, turns it on, plays it and shudders in shock at the game play.]'' Wha--? W--? '''WHAT... WERE... THEY...&lt;big&gt;''THINKING?!?''&lt;/big&gt;''' ''[he runs, hurls himself out the window and screams.]''

=== [[w:Paperboy (video game)|Paperboy]] ===
:'''AVGN''': Extra! Extra! Paperboy goes mad! Here's some [[w:Classified advertising|assifieds]]! Here you go daily douchebag! 10% off your next purchase of &quot;FUCK YOU&quot;! Cloudy with a chance of ass kicking! Dear Abby, make 'em eat shit! Crosswords, can you spell cunt? Horoscopes, you will achieve greatness - in HELL!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Aiming the newspaper into the mailbox is like trying to slingshot a dingleberry from a playground roundabout that’s situated on a moving parade float aiming into a bottlecap that’s tied by a string to a Himalayan snow-cock! While drunk!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Then there's a tire that randomly comes rolling out from behind the house. Who's back there rolling tires? Get a life.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The ''Grim Reaper'' is in town... That's a problem.

=== [[w:MTV's Beavis and Butt-Head|Beavis and Butt-Head]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''(belches)'' Yeah, that's how you critique it, you just say this sucks... yeah... uh... you know when you eat rump roast - are you like, eating a cow's butt? ''(burps)'' You know the word &quot;this&quot; is like &quot;shit&quot; spelled backwards? Or uh... maybe it isn't. Maybe I should like, uh... play another game, or something?

=== The Berenstain Bears ===
:'''Other Nerd''': These are the real Bad News Bears!

=== Sega Activator and Aura Interactor ===
:'''The Nerd''': Streets of Rage 2.
:'''Keith Apicary''': Yes! That's my autobiography.


== Season Eleven ==

=== Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers ===
:'''The Nerd:''' After that, you get this awkward driving stage where you rescue people.
:'''Voice in game:''' ''[exclaims]'' Over here! All right!
:'''The Nerd:''' ''[sarcastically]'' &quot;Love&quot; hearin' those voices over and over again.
:'''Voice in game:''' Over here! All right! Over here! All right!
:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;Over here!&quot; &quot;All right!&quot; &quot;Over here!&quot; &quot;All right!&quot; &quot;Over here!&quot; &quot;All right!&quot; '''''&quot;OVER HERE!!!&quot;''''' '''''&quot;ALL RIGHT!&quot;'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' [Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie ''on Game Boy''] Take a look at the Rangers. Which one's your favorite? ''(shows the Rangers on the Game Boy's monochrome screen)'' The Dark Green, Dark Green, Dark Green, Dark Green, Dark Green, or Dark Green Ranger? Mine's the Dark Green Ranger.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' This problem escalates when you get to the sand. Oh, God, the sand. Let me tell you about this. You have to punch and kick all this sand out of the way, and it's a race against time because there's a machine following close behind you. If it touches you, it's a one-hit death. You have to get rid of that sand as fast as humanly possible. You can't afford any wasted hits, which means you have to master the science behind this punch-kick phenomenon. The top square can only be taken out with the punch. The middle with a kick or a ducking punch. The bottom, only with a ducking kick. So not only do you have to know when it's going to be a punch or a kick, but you also have to know when to be standing or ducking. The only successful pattern I found is duck-stand-stand, duck-duck-stand. I can't even do it without saying it out loud. Duck-stand-stand, duck-duck-stand. Duck-stand-stand, duck-duck-stand. Fuck-shit-shit, fuck-fuck-shit! ''Fuck-shit-shit, fuck-fuck-shit! '''FUCK-SHIT-SHIT, FUCK-FUCK-SHIT!''''' ''(Ranger dies)'' '''''FUUUUCK!!!'''''

=== [[w:Sonic the Hedgehog (2006 video game)|Sonic '06]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': I mean, how bad could this po- it's gonna fuckin' suck, isn't it?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So far, this game has given me nothing but shit! '''The game is giving me shit!!!''' [''The Sonic 06 box game is literally trying to give the Nerd a piece of shit''] '''No! No! No!'''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': [''Talking about how the shopkeeper is only saying welcome''] Especially him. The only word on the screen is &quot;welcome&quot;, but his mouth is moving like crazy. What more could he possibly be saying?! [''The Nerd appears on screen and mimics the shopkeeper''] Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcomewelcomewelcome...

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': [''Commenting on another NPC''] Then there's this crack addict in an alley. [''The Nerd mimics the NPC''] Hey, hey, hey, did you see that, did you hear that? [''starts babbling unintelligibly''] Cra- Cra- crack, I need crack.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
[''Tails jumps over the rail and dies in water'']
:'''The Nerd''': Did Tails just kill himself?!!
[''Tails falls off the rail again and dies'']
:'''The Nerd''': He did!!
[''falls off the rail and dies again'']
:'''The Nerd''': [''appearing on the game screen''] He just couldn't take it... The game was that bad! ''(sighs and jumps into the water)''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''The Nerd''': [about the [[Free Willy|Free Willy]] poster] It looks like the kid is punching the whale! Who the hell could punch a killer whale so hard it becomes airborne?! You don't fuck with that kid!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': &quot;Cleared ACT Mission&quot;? What kind of terminology is that? That's like saying &quot;Cleared LEVEL Stage&quot;. This game is &quot;DICK Cock&quot;.

=== Planet of the Apes ===

:'''The Nerd:''' Well, it's one of those &quot;where the fuck do you go?&quot; kind of games...
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' '''''OH, THE ONLY PLANET THIS GAME CAME FROM IS URANUS! OH, THIS GAME IS A MADHOUSE! A MADHOUSE! OH, YOU DAMN DIRTY GAME DESIGNERS! YOU MANIACS! YOU FUCKED IT UP! DAMN YOU, DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!''''' Oh, that's it. I'm going back to Earth!

=== Game Boy Accessories ===

:'''The Nerd:''' This one, called the 'Handy Boy' was released by... STD? ''STD?!'' '''''WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD NAME THEIR GAME COMPANY &quot;STD&quot;?!'''''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(on Game Boy accessories)'' But then, to top it off, the grand finale. I'm not even emotionally ready to tell you about this, so just sit back, here it is. ''The PediSedate.'' This thing was intended for hospitals, to help children relax when they're about to be put under for surgery or a medical procedure. Essentially, it's a pair of headphones that you plug into the Game Boy. You could probably plug it into any portable gaming console, but more importantly, it has a cup that goes over the child's mouth, and releases the sleep gas, or laughing gas, or whatever it is they need. So, it's the only gaming peripheral I know of that ''gasses you!'' Imagine being sedated while playing fuckin' ''[[w:Dr. Mario|Dr. Mario]]''! What would that be like? Oh, my God! I was gonna make up a bunch of fake shit at the end, like the ''Game Boy Dog Turd Collector.'' But nothing I can make up can top ''this!'' And this thing was rea-I mean, it didn't get released, but it was invented and patented. The Game Boy must have been the most multi-purposed thing in existence! Astronauts actually took it into space! It could withstand bomb blasts, you could take photos, print, sew, find fish, ''get sedated! I wanna be sedated with a Game Boy!!'' '''I WANNA BE SEDATED WITH A GAAAME BOOOY!!'''! [[w:I Wanna Be Sedated|BAM BAM BAMBAM BAMBAM BAM B-B-]] '''''I WANNA BE SEDATED WITH A GAAAAAME BOOOOOY!!!!!'''''

=== Treasure Master ===
:'''The Nerd''': It's a really smart idea to be wearing radioactive fucking SHOES!! Seriously...is Skooter that fucking RAD that he doesn't care about RAD-iation poisoning?

=== Wrestling Games ===
:'''The Nerd''': Trying to hit a guy here is like trying to hit a grain of sand with a tennis racket while Andre The Giant farts directly into your nostrils!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Wow. And how about the most annoying character select screen possible? I don't know who the fuck most of these guys are, and they have no names! Who are these people?? They just shout random slogans at me and move at about two frames per second. Whatever, I'll pick Ric Flair. And of course it controls like ass. The punches take almost a full-second delay! And seriously, why does everyone walk around like there's shit caked up their ass?! Fuck this piece of shit! I'm done! (Takes the game out of the Super Nintendo]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Let me tell you something, brother! This game is the worst there is, the worst there was, and the worst there ever will be! Woo! It's a limousine-fucking, jet plane-sucking, diarrhea-drinking, asshole-stinking Hell-on-Earth in a cartridge, and I'm gonna open up a whole can of whoop-ass on it! And that's the bottom line because the fucking Nerd said so!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Seriously, why couldn't they give all the WWF games to Capcom instead of giving six of them to one of the worst video game companies in existence? Oh, and did I mention the toy line? LJN made the toys, too, and those fucking sucked also! Ugh! What were they thinking? Man, if LJN stood for Laughing Joking Numbnuts, then WWF must have stood for... Wisecracking Wiener Fuckfarts. ''[Actually, Nerd, WWF stood for &quot;World Wrestling Federation.&quot; Now it's WWE, which stands for &quot;World Wrestling Entertainment.&quot;] (gets knocked down by SNES cartridge with a steel chair and the audience angrily boos while the cartridge celebrates as if giving the audience a middle finger, and saying '''&quot;FUCK YOU!&quot;''')''

=== [[w:Polybius (urban legend)|Polybius]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''(after unsuccessfully trying to escape)'' The only way it'll let me go is if I show the game! ''(crying)'' I had to... I had no choice. I can't stand this anymore. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry just... [cries] Just don't look. Don't look, turn the video off right now! Once you see it, it's in you forever.
:''(The camera pans to floor as the Nerd walks toward the Polybius console and looks up at the screen, which shows a 3D-looking square tunnel and then a Tempest-like screen with other shapes. The screen flashes shapes randomly before the YouTube Video Unavailable screen appears. The face suddenly changes into the Nerd's face before the screen cuts to static.)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Todd Tuckey''': What's going on? Hello? ...Well, the camera's here. ''(picks up camera)'' Well, there's the game. ''(static interspersed with Todd screaming)''

=== Robocop NES Games ===

=== [[w:Sonic the Hedgehog (2006 video game)|Sonic '06 (Part 2)]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' Seriously, the last thing I want to do after beating Sonic '06 is play more fuckin' Sonic '06! I'd rather rip every individual pube out of my scrotum with salad tongs than play this anymore!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[after he beats Sonic '06]'' Wow! Can't say I've seen that before. Well, Sonic '06, it's all done. Just to think, all the hours spent, all that time, all that torture, and now, it's all over?
:''[sultry jazz music plays as the Nerd glares at Sonic '06 with bedroom eyes. Whipping and laughter sounds as the scene cuts to the dungeon with Sonic '06 whipping the Nerd.]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[exclaims]'' Yeah! You like th-Ah! Ah! Yeah! Give it to me! ''[shouting]'' Ah! Yeah, yeah! ''[exclaims]'' Yeah, oh you like it when I give you those bedroom eyes! ''[shouts]'' Yeah! ''[exclaims and shouts]''

=== Charlie’s Angels (GameCube) ===
:'''Charlie''': Good morning, Nerd.
:'''The Nerd''': Who said that?
:'''Charlie''': Down here, Nerd.
:'''The Nerd''': The fuck is that thing?
:'''Charlie''': It's me, Charlie. I've come to help you with your game decision. I've got one in mind I think you'll like.
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, yeah, yeah, that's just what I need. Thank you. Thank you very much. How about you just get the hell out of here before I smash your circuits all over the floor?
:'''Charlie''': Why don't you take a look at the game first?
:'''The Nerd''': Oh yeah. ''Charlie's Angels: the Movie'' the game. I heard that one's some grade-A ass!
:'''Charlie''': Indeed it is, Nerd, but you'll only find out if you play. Now play it.
:'''The Nerd''': Okay. All right, so somebody comes and makes me play a game. Freddy, Jason, Bugs Bunny, a speaker phone? I mean, this is an all-time low. ''We're reachin' here!'' And you know where. What do you think I do all day? Just sit around and play shitty games?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' It's finally happened. For years I've been calling games ass. But here is a game ''that's literally'' ''ASS!''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Charlie:''' I'm really sorry Nerd. I thought you would've loved a game that was ass.
:'''The Nerd:''' And why would I love that?
:'''Charlie:''' Because... you're a pieceashit!

=== Star Wars: Masters of Teras Kasi ===
''[The Nerd is looking through a 'Star Wars' encyclopedia]''
:'''The Nerd:''' What? ''JIZZ!?'' 'A popular style of freeform, wailing music' Jizz! Yeah, there is 'jizz' in this book. ''(flips to another page)'' Jizz-wailer!? 'A musician who plays a fast, contemporary, and upbeat style of music.' Jizz-wailer! It's in Star Wars!

=== Lightspan Adventures ===
:'''The Nerd:''' Let's learn some motherfucking math! ''On the move!''

== Season Twelve ==
=== [[w:EarthBound|EarthBound]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''[on the game's oversized box]'' Your ''MOM'' has an oversized box!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''(Following the montage of interruptions by the Photo Guy)''
:'''The Nerd''': ''LEAVE ME ALONE! LET ME PLAY THE GAME!''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mr. Rigs''': That's right, Nerd! Don't take shit from nobody! Only give shits and while you're at it, get some clothes that fit.
:'''The Nerd's Shit''': Yes, it's a little on the baggy side.
:'''The Nerd''': Hey! I don't need any advice from you or the shit talking shit.

=== Dirty Harry ===
:'''The Nerd''': While the movie was ''Dirty'' Harry, the game... was just straight-up ''filthy''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': (''at the title screen'') It opens with the classic line from ''Sudden Impact''.
:'''Harry Callahan''': ''Go ahead. Make my day''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': This game is yet another one of those &quot;Where the fuck do I go?&quot; kind of games. I ran around for 20 minutes like a chicken with its head cut off and barely accomplished anything.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': I know what you're thinking, did he fire six shots or only five? Well to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I... kind of lost track myself. But being this is a Konami Justifier, the most powerful light gun in the world, it would blow your label clean off. You gotta ask yourself one question. Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya? Punk?

=== [[w:Drake of the 99 Dragons|Drake of the 99 Dragons]] ===

:'''The Nerd:''' ''(meditating to ethnic music)'' ... Oh, hey. I've just been meditating to summon the power of the Chosen One to give me the patience and the courage... to play today's game.
:'''The Nerd:''' This game is what you get if somebody ate every badass dual-pistol wielding, trench coat-wearing late '90s action movie cliché, then barfed it out, ate the barf, and then dumped their ass into a piss-and-shit-stained bus station toilet, and then they took that rancid concoction, and somehow printed Xbox discs made out of it! 99 Dragons, made out of 99 percent bullshit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': But ooh boy, let me tell ya, I haven't even started playing yet, so let's pick up the Duke here, this big-ass ''tank'' fuckin' controller, and let's get started. 'cuz it's gonna get fucked...
:'''The Nerd:''' I understand the game was developed under a very short time, but somebody had to pop this in at least ONCE and say; &quot;This controls like ass.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(on the cutscenes)'' Oh, and the lips barely move, so I can never tell if they're actually talking, or it's some kind of inner monologue. ''(As he speaks, the Nerd's mouth is intentionally out of sync with his voice, parodying this.)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(After having died, the Nerd spawns in a temple, where he has to wait for ten seconds before restarting.)''
:'''Statue:''' &quot;There's no cure for stupidity beyond death.&quot;
:'''The Nerd:''' Yeah, well, fuck you too, you fuckin' statues!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(waiting for a platform to take Drake to the top of a building)'' O-oh, come on! I could build a sculpture of a horse takin' a shit, out of horse shit, in the time it takes to get up there!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' This is where the problems in the game REALLY mount up, and it just... builds inside you with all this RAGE, and you become... just BOILING SO FUCKIN' HOT! It's not like you're in Hell; you've '''become''' Hell! Bad people die, and they go into '''you!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(fighting a boss)'' And before I know it, I'm dead! What the fuuucck?!
:'''The Nerd:''' So you defeat the boss, you rescue your master, and now you gotta go down into the subway, and... ''(gets hit by a train and dies)'' '''HAAAAAAAAAAGHHH!!!''' ''WHAT THE FUCK?!'' Thi-I-I-I-I can't fuckin' stand this. I-I would cheat, but, they didn't even program cheat codes! But how could they, if they can't even program a ''fuckin'' game?! ''(stammers and briefly meditates)''

=== ''Tomb Raider'' Games ===
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, and have you ever noticed the Angelina Jolie ''Tomb Raider'' movies aren't called ''Tomb Raider?'' They're officially called ''Lara Croft: Tomb Raider'' and ''Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life.'' What a mouthful. Did they just read the movie poster out loud? Might be why it took 15 years to get another feature film, which was simply called, ''Tomb Raider,'' unless the real title was supposed to be: ''Alicia Vikander is Lara Croft Tomb Raider March 16th Experience It In IMAX.'' But that's probably too much for a theater marquee, right?

=== Resident Evil Survivor ===
:'''The Nerd:''' This game is kicking the PlayStation while it's already down. Mainly in the balls.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:(''after the Nerd appears in the intro to the original'' Resident Evil)
:'''The Nerd''': You see that shit!? Well, I guess I gotta explain. The Umbrella Corporation, they moved in next door, set up a secret lab, and now there's monsters and stuff, and I dunno what to do! Well, I guess I'll pop in the disc, play some ''Resident Evil: Survivor'', have a pint, and wait for all of this to blow over.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So this guy's seen hangin' from a helicopter, he falls off and the copter crashes. Then that same helicopter shits another guy out. Seriously, look at this! The helicopter's on fire, and this dude just shoots out like a turd with an explosive fart behind it!

=== Super Hydlide and Virtual Hydlide ===
:'''The Nerd''': Eight years ago, I played the first ''Hydlide''. Since then, I've gotten a lot of requests to review the other Hydlide games. The other ''Hydlide'' games? Because the first one was so good, you've gotta have more, no, sequels to games that already sucked Donkey Kong dong, that I can't stand! I can't stand the sound of it! Hydlide! ''HYDLIDE!'' (''vomits both sequels'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Imagine living in this world: you're late for work, so you skip breakfast, and then two hours later, you're in the middle of a meeting, and ya drop fuckin' DEAD in front all your coworkers! Nothin' left but a withered husk. Tragic.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': &quot;It does seem fitting to construe carelessly made shoddy goods as bullshit, but in what way? Is the resemblance that bullshit,  itself, is invariably produced in a careless or self-indulgent manner that is never finely crafted? The word 'shit' does suggest this. Excrement is not designed or crafted at all. It is merely emitted (or dumped).&quot; So, while the game did not actually come out of somebody's asshole, it sure CAME OUT in the same manner!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Thankfully, Virtual Hydlide is over. The credits play, and ya get the List of Shame, set to some shitty stock JPEGs of the countryside. You wasted precious hours of your life, to give yourself eyestrain and motion sickness, and all you get is a fucking &quot;Congratulations!&quot; screen. Well, at least they spelled it right. Anyway, ''Virtual Hydlide'' is literally &quot;Bullshit&quot;. Oh, that's right; where'd I throw the book? Ah, well... whatever. I don't have anything planned anyway, so... (''scrolls up like a cel sheet, revealing a &quot;Conglaturation!!!&quot; message'')

=== Amiga CD³²™ ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''[unable to play the CD³²]'' Oh, that's perfect. I have to hold the disc hatch down just to get the game to spin. What, did I really expect this thing to work? I don't even want to play this piece of fuck to begin with, let alone one-handed, holding the thing down to get it to function.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing'' Dangerous Streets] Right off the bat, this is possibly the worst group of fighting game characters I've ever seen. Lookin' back at ''Street Fighter'' and ''Mortal Kombat'', each game had a group of memorable characters, like: Ryu, Guile, Scorpion, Liu Kang! This game has Futuristic Tommy Wiseau, Asscheek Lady, Spring Shoe Guy, Fat Guy with His Pants Undone, and a Native American guy '''TAKIN' A SHIT!''' And, there's this guy who was &quot;born in Pennsylvania&quot;... which just confuses the shit outta me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing'' Gloom] You collect bouncing balls for guns, and baby bottles for health! What is this, like a ''spoof?!'' Like ''PO'ed''? Yeah, the game where you're shooting butts! But, that was done on purpose, as a ''parody! ''This one, '''it's just a fuckin' watered-down piece of shit'' Doom ''knockoff!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing'' Bubba 'n Stix] The gameplay is kinda like a puzzle platformer, where you have to use Stix to get past obstacles, like using him to pry this rock up, or sticking him into the wall to use as a platform. This part right here is pretty funny. You have to get close to these weird guys without interrupting their conversation, and then throw Stix, the character, at them. The graphics are really nice, too. It's cartoony and colorful, but not like the rainbow vomit from ''Oscar''. This is actually a good game. At least, until I get to the second level and I can't figure out what to do. And, I don't have the time to figure it out, so...oh, well, I guess we gotta move on. But, I can give this one the Nerd stamp of not shit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''James D. Rolfe''': ''[receiving a call from the Nerd about a scene from the ''Surf Ninjas'' game]'' This is Cinemassacre Video, where selection is the name of the game. This is James speaking. How may I help you?
:'''The Nerd''': Yeah, okay, I just wanna ask you a quick question.
:'''James D. Rolfe''': Sure thing. Go right ahead.
:'''The Nerd''': Have you ever watched the movie, ''Surf Ninjas?''
:'''James D. Rolfe''': Yeah. In fact, I just had a chat with a bunch of friends all about that. Did you know that the costume designer was the same in ''Street Fighter: The Movie?'' That would explain all the blue camouflage--
:'''The Nerd''': Okay, okay. Look-look-look-look. I just wanna ask a fucking question. In the movie, ''Surf Ninjas,'' does anybody rip someone's heart out, Kano-style?
:'''James D. Rolfe''': Um... no, I don't think that happened in the movie.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[hangs up abruptly]'' See? I knew it.
:'''James D. Rolfe''': Hello? ''Hello?'' ''[sighs and hangs up phone; annoyed]'' Wow. What an asshole.

=== The Town With No Name ===
:'''The Nerd:''' ''[after he beats The Town With No Name]'' Well, that's it. And the good news is I never have to play the Amiga CD³² ever again, and just to make sure this time, I'm sending this thing back to the depths of Hell!
:''[Nerd picks up the SNES Super Scope and Sega Menacer, and starts firing on the Amiga CD³² like crazy, then he puts them down and starts firing hadoukens etc.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' You know what? Fuck this digital shit. Because, this thing needs to be destroyed for real. I'm not jokin' around; I'm goin' practical. I'm gonna do the real fuckin' deal. 
:''[in the backyard, The Nerd puts the soon-to-be-dead Amiga CD³² on the table, brings a Boring Company flamethrower and fires at the console]''
:'''The Nerd:'''  '''''HOW'S THAT FOR PRACTICAL?!''''' ''[the battery inside the Amiga CD³² explodes]'' '''''YEAH! BURN, BABY, BURN! YEEEAAAHHHH!!!''''' ''[Amiga CD³² melts down slowly]'' '''''WHEW, BOY! YE-HE-HE-HE-HEAAAH!!!'''''

=== Home Alone ===
:'''The Nerd''': (''looking down at a box of pizza delivered by Macaulay Culkin as a pizza delivery boy'') What's this?
:'''Pizza Boy''': A lovely cheese pizza; just for you.
:'''The Nerd''': You got the wrong house; I didn't order any pizza. But I'll take it anyway.
:(''He opens the pizza box to find'' Home Alone ''games on different consoles''.)
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, not funny.
:'''Pizza Boy''': Think of it as a gift; you owe it to yourself to play those games. I hear they're awesome.
:'''The Nerd''': No, they're not! Besides... I already reviewed both NES games: that first one where you're laying traps around the house that are enclosed in square tiles for no reason, where you're walkin' up the stairs like you took a dump, and that second one where you're running through the hotel, slidin' on your knees, fighting mops, vacuum cleaners and suitcases, and a chef that takes off his clothes. I'm already done with that, so get this shit out of here! And you better believe I'm leavin' a bad Yelp review.
:'''Pizza Boy''': That's just the NES versions; maybe the rest of them are better. I mean, look at how many of them there are, I mean, they can't all be bad... can they?
:'''The Nerd''': I admit I haven't played the rest. Have you?
:'''Pizza Boy''': No, but they all have Macaulay Culkin in them. I mean, how could you go wrong?
:'''The Nerd''': Well, maybe if they're not as bad as the NES games...
:'''Pizza Boy''': Come on. Everyone in the world shits on these games, and maybe you could change the world's mind. I mean, come on.
:'''The Nerd''': Okay, fine! But you're not going anywhere! You're gonna sit right here and suffer with me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': (''covering the PS2'' Home Alone ''game'') The biggest anomaly of the group is definitely the PS2 version. It was only released in Europe in 2006. Yeah, a while after the movie!
:'''Pizza Boy''': Yeah, but that movie is just timeless.
:'''The Nerd''': It is, but this game, by all known laws of physics in the universe, has no right to exist! The mere idea would baffle the greatest scientific minds of our time. ''(holding the case)'' Besides, the style is completely different: it doesn't look anything like the movies, looks nothing like Macaulay Culkin, I don't even know why we're talking about it, so let's just pretend it doesn't exist.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': (''playing the SNES'' Home Alone ''game'') The object of is to run around the house, collecting valuable items to hide from the criminals. You can only hold a certain amount. When your hands are full, you have to drop them down a laundry chute which leads into a giant vault in the basement! Or Goro's lair, or whatever the hell this is.
:'''Pizza Boy''': Look, I know the movie was a long time ago and stuff, but I don't remember Kevin gathering together... candlesticks, money bags and giant emerald rings, and then, throwing them down a laundry chute? But what do I know?
:'''The Nerd''': The items are found in the most random places, (''sees Kevin fish a whole pizza out of a toilet'') like in a... toilet?! Wh-- I found an entire goddamn pizza! In a toilet!
:'''Pizza Boy''': (disgusted) Kevin would never grab anything out of a toilet...
:'''The Nerd''': (equally disgusted) Augh! Yeah, not even a pizza. I'm sure of it.
:'''Pizza Boy''': Yeah... Yeah... I mean, maybe I would have. You know, back in my... heady days.
:'''The Nerd''': You would have grabbed something out of a toilet?
:'''Pizza Boy''': Yeah.
:'''The Nerd''': Pizza?
:'''Pizza Boy''': You've never had toilet pizza?
:'''The Nerd''': Yeah.
:'''Pizza Boy''': Yeah.
:'''The Nerd''': Pizza shit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Pizza Boy''': Did they really think I grew up in a house where giant frogs roam free in the hall? &quot;Yeah, we just had those suckers hoppin' all around, all the time! Mr. Frog House!&quot; I've never had to collect 35 pets, drop them down a laundry chute, and into a bank vault! Are you fucking kidding me?! What kind of asshole does this game think I am?! I can't believe they'd get away with this... I mean... you go to the store and... you see your face on a cartridge, and go like &quot;I wanna play with myself, all day long!&quot;Every kid deserves a video game based on themselves, am I right?  But no. No, they shat on me! They shat on my legacy! (''begins crying'') What am I gonna do?!
:'''The Nerd''': Wait a minute... You're not a real pizza boy! (''rips of name tag'') You're... M-- M-- Maculkin! I'm playin' ''Home Alone'' games... ...with Macaulay Culkin!!! (''screams a la Kevin'')
:'''Culkin''': Really? Really... Never seen that before. That's-- that's new. Can we just get back to the fucking games?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Culkin''': (''playing the SNES'' Home Alone 2 ''game'') Why is the entire hotel trying to kill me? I mean-- they have a bunch of fuckin' bombs behind the check-in desks! I mean, do they hate their child customers so much that they have to lob lobby bombs at them? And yes, that was pretty hard to say!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Culkin''': (''while battling Harry and Marv at the tree'') Y'know, once I had to fight a demonic tree... It was terrible... I don't know how the game developers found that out.
:'''The Nerd''': &quot;Demonic evil tree&quot;? They-- They exist? And this... this happened to you? Do you remember, like, what... ...um, how did it... happen? Li-- what...
:'''Culkin''': It was a long time ago.
:'''The Nerd''': I know, I know, it's--
:'''Culkin''': DON'T TOUCH ME!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': (''playing'' Home Alone 2 ''for Genesis'') Well, this is off to a frustrating start. Why is everyone in the entire airport tryna kill you? What did Kevin do to instigate all this?
:'''Culkin''': I mean, maybe because they had me pelting innocent businessmen with baseballs? &quot;Here comes Kevin McAllister; he gives 'em a big ol' concussion with a fuckin' baseball!&quot; Right to the dome, look at that! Bam! I'm shooting a poor balloon salesman... and stealing his balloons to get past the TSA. They're making me a fuggin' asshole!
:'''The Nerd''': At least you get to see Kevin take out airport security with a water fountain. And then they all just fall through the floor, while Kevin looks at you like, &quot;What the fuck?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Culkin''': This game is like... poop! From a... a buffalo butt!
:'''The Nerd''': Diarrhea, it's gotta be diarrhea! Just go for it!
:'''Culkin''': Okay! I got it...! I would rather do a human centipede with the Wet Bandits! Marv in my mouth, HARRY IN MY ASS! I'll turn them into the Sticky Bandits!
:'''The Nerd''': (disgusted) Augh, dude! Augh!
:'''Culkin''': No, think about it. Think about it. Close your eyes.
:'''The Nerd''': Naw, I-- No I don't....
:'''Culkin''': No....
:'''The Nerd''': And that's from the web series that brought you &quot;Shredder's my ass and Splinter's my balls!&quot;

== Season Thirteen ==

=== Chronologically Confused about Kingdom Hearts Timeline ===

=== Video Game Magazines ===

=== Aladdin Deck Enhancer (NES) ===
:'''The Nerd''': Aladdin took an upper-decker in my toilet!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': (after he plays the same Micro Machines game, he sighs) The games are exactly the same. There's no difference! The deck enhancer is an add-on that adds nothing! They sold you the same games with some assembly required. It'll be like getting a new sprayer for your garden hose, but it doesn't fit, unless you get some special adapter. So you buy the adapter, but the sprayer still doesn't fit. So now, you have to find a completely different sprayer that only exists in special stores, and then you find out it works the same as the old sprayer, doing a no better job washing away the horseshit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': That box is a prime example of false advertising. Upgrade your Ninfuckingtendo Entertainment System? More like UPPER DECKING IT! And that's not a joke. I mean it. It is the electronic equivalent of an upper-decker. With the Aladdin, the components that normally go inside an NES cartridge are instead deposited into the deck. In the same way, the turds, which are usually preferred to land in the toilet bowl, are instead dumped into the upper tank. Therefore when the toilet is flushed, the bowl fills with shit water, and after that, it's the shit that keeps on giving. Would you consider that an enhancement to your toilet? Well, give it a try, and you'll know EXACTLY what the Aladdin does to your NES! Why does the box say &quot;Aladdin is the future in console gameplay&quot;? The Sega Genesis and Super Nintendo were already out! That's like saying you invented a brand new car that's got new safety features, and uses clean energy, but it's got pillows tied to it and it runs on coal! This thing had no future at all! All the &quot;Coming Soon&quot; games were cancelled, and Camerica went out of business right after this thing was... released? (He weakenly laughs, then he shouts) They went out of business right after it was ANNOUNCED! (He stammers, then he picks up the box and gets hit by the instructions) I—it was a death sentence! A curse! A curse that shrouds its release status in all-consuming mystery! Not even the Gaming Historian found any clear proof that it ever got officially released. I mean, sure, it got made an—and discovered thanks to inventory liquidators and eBay, bu—but if this thing never officially came out, then not only did it not have any future... it didn't have any past, either! How am I supposed to take you back to the past, when there's no fucking past?! I have no business complaining about something that didn't even come out! I wasted my breath! Why did I have to find this thing?! Aahh, I might as well just be diggin' into the Devil's asshole! Fuck!
:''(The Genie appears filled with sewage from a septic tank that previously came from the Nerd's second wish.)''
:'''The Genie''': Hey, I'm back.
:'''The Nerd''': What are you doing back here?
:'''The Genie''': Look, man, I'm just here to grant your last wish so I can get out of here.
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, yeah, that's right. I get one more wish. Okay, well, for my last wish... I wish... you know, I think we've both suffered enough. Yeah, so... I wish... every Aladdin Deck Enhancer, on the whole planet Earth... will fucking explode.
:'''The Genie''': You got it, dude! Smell ya later!

=== Pepsiman (PS1) ===
:'''The Nerd''': (''given the PS1'' Pepsiman ''game'')  Well thanks Pepsiman, that's very interesting. But i have other junk food games like I could play, like ''Cool Spot''. (''Cool Spot'' is turned into ''Pepsiman'') Oh, come on! Oh well, I could always play ''Chester Cheetah''! (''Chester Cheetah'' is turned into ''Pepsiman'') Aw! Well how 'bout uh... ''Big Bumpin''? (Big Bumpin' ''is turned into'' Pepsiman) Aw, man... How 'bout uh... ''Kool-Aid Man''? (Kool-Aid Man ''is turned into'' Pepsiman) Goddammit, you silly fuck! I don't wanna play ''Pepsiman''! (''Pepsiman opens his mouth and hisses menacingly'') Okay, Jeez! I'll play ''Pepsiman''!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Mm-Mm, that's enough for me, this game's too monotonous! ''[Gets up to leave]''
:''[Pepsiman grabs the Nerd and forces him back onto the couch]''
:'''Pepsiman''': ''[Hisses angrily]''
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, dude, DUDE! Your breath! It smells like tooth decay! Here, have some Mentos! ''[Produces a packet of Mentos]''
:'''Pepsiman''': ''[Screams and retreats]''
:'''The Nerd''': Wow! Um... that worked Thanks to Mentos!
:''[Close-up of the Nerd with the Mentos logo]''
:'''Announcer''': Mentos! The Freshmaker!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': You know, Pepsiman is a rather sad tale. Pepsiman can make Pepsi for everybody... except himself.
:''[Pepsiman hangs his head sadly]''
:'''Singers''': ''[Pitched down]'' ''#PEPSIMAAAAN!#''

=== Superman 64 Returns!! ===
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, no! They move!! Why do they have to move?! Ooh, wow! Yeah, they really change it up!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Well, this is the ugliest digital Superman face I've ever seen! ''[a shot of Superman's face from [[Justice League (2017 film)|Justice League]], which was digitally edited to remove Henry Cavill's moustache]'' Second-ugliest.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': You wanna know the worst thing about those ring levels? Right when you're getting the hang of it, the game will glitch, and send you flying across the map - for no goddamn motherFUCKING reason! So y'have to backtrack or restart.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': If you get too far away, a Shadow Guy will spawn in front of her. And I am so sick of saying &quot;Shadow Guy&quot;!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': [after a weak boss battle] Again?
''[cut to even more rings]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[horrified]'' '''AGAIN?!''' ''[runs into the camera screaming]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[after the final boss battle]'' Y'wanna know somethin' else that's a real kick in the ass? In recent years, a ROM of the game surfaced which was of the unreleased PlayStation version, and it actually looks... alright. The levels look unique, the bad guys look cooler, the controls... don't seem great, but it looks like they work! According to Tit-us, after all the changes they were forced to make for the Nintendo version, their license ran out and they couldn't release it. Instead we got this rancid anus tart of a game vomiting green rings in our face! ''[the antennae-gold cartridge of Superman 64 begins to zap the Superman eyes as the Nerd looks at it and dodges as he grunts and groans thoroughly. He takes out the N64 console and zaps heat vision, slowly heading for the good games.]'' '''''NO-O-O-O-O!!''''' Please, don't! Don't hurt the good, innocent games! ''[takes out the Superman 64 cartridge from the N64, barely saving the good games, and then he breaks the cartridge in plastic. He sighs and [[w:Man of Steel (film)|cries out in agony]].]''

=== Life of Black Tiger with Gilbert Gottfried ===
:'''Fred Fuchs''': WHO THE FUCK GOES THERE? WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?! ANSWER ME, TOUGH GUY, OR I'LL BLAST A HOLE IN YOU SO BIG I CAN STICK MY COCK IN IT! (getting wistful) And I don't wanna brag, but...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Fred Fuchs''': Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just a guy who built a computer in the jungle without electricity or internet. I'm not educated enough for the guy WHO TALKS ABOUT BUFFALO SHIT IN HIS BASEMENT!
:'''The Nerd''': ...I guess that's a good point.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Fred Fuchs''': You might wanna be a bit nicer about the game, considering the fact THAT I'M THE ONE WITH THE MOTHERFUCKING RIFLE!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': &quot;Survive 'till the fixed time&quot;... What, were you fucking stoned when you wrote this?
:'''Fred Fuchs''': Yes.
:'''The Nerd''': Thought so.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Fred Fuchs''': Sometimes, you just gotta run like Hell from your problems.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Fred Fuchs''': It's an artistic interpretation of jungle life, you uncultured swine! I'm a goddamn artist, and this is my masterpiece! Obviously, too artsy-fartsy for your plebeian palate!
:'''The Nerd''': Aren't you doused in urine?
:'''Fred Fuchs''': From head to toe.

=== Chex Quest ===
:'''The Nerd:''' I really need to go food shopping somewhere besides eBay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Seems the game developers enjoyed working on this, and adding their own flavor! To a game... about a cereal... with no flavor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Yes, I'm sorry I didn't have more negative to say, I was really tryin' here, um... I know I haven't filled my curse quota for this episode, so... fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;BRUTAL CHEX!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt; It's Chex... on steroids! &lt;em&gt;ILLEEEGAL&lt;/em&gt; steroids! Made from broken glass, rusty fuckin' nails, and whole grain rice. This cereal will start your day... if it doesn't end your life! Fortified with calcium from the bones of fallen angel wings! The only cereal eaten by both God &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; Satan! It's a straight kick to your Muddy Buddies - and Brutal Chex turns your milk &lt;em&gt;RED, FROM YOUR OWN BLOOD&lt;/em&gt; POURING OUT OF YOUR &lt;em&gt;FUCKING SCREAMING MOOOOOOOUTH!&lt;/em&gt; (50 free hours of America Online included.)

=== [[w:Trespasser (video game)|Jurassic Park: Trespasser]] ===

=== [[w:The Immortal (video game)|The Immortal]] ===
:''[episode opens on magazine pages about The Immortal, along with the box and manual pages. Pan up, Nerd's hand slides the cartridge out of the shelf. He walks over to the floor, lifts the carpet to reveal a secret door, and opens it. The AVGN title card is shown, accompanied by the &quot;The Immortal&quot; title with blood splatter and malicious laughter.]''
:''[A dark dungeon, decorated with skulls and dangling chains. The Nerd appears, wrapped in a cloak and holding the cartridge.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Anguish. Lament. Oh, how hath ye been cursed if thou hath playeth a game as archaically, diarrhetically ''shit-holic'' as ''The Immortal'' on thy NES. Whence I came, my basement chamber above, where I desprayed such demeaning, failed electronic attempts at merriment, but when they're as loathly as thee, it is but I who has thus sworn to suffer as I descend deeper into the catacombs, a place where true shit goes to lie face-first down in smoldering decay; a place where sorrows exceed the souls, and vanquished beings meet their fate. Medieval torture, man; The head-crusher, the rack, the pendulum, the iron maiden, but none as dreadful as ''this.'' Behold.
:''[the game's demo is already playing on a small monitor. The Nerd walks over to it.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Reset, and here we go, the plight begins. Feast your eyes on this accursed nonsense. So, as soon as the game begins, it gives you a warning: &quot;It might be a good idea to move.&quot; Hmm. And it ''kills'' you. Right away, they pull something like ''that.'' At least, they warned you. But it might as well warn you the moment you put this game in, you're doomed... with life. So let's try it again. Into the next room. ''[3 seconds later]'' A-and look at that! They put that right there, right outside the door? Ohhh, one-hit death traps. That's real classy. Let's reset. Okay, here we go. Uh. So, this isometric angle definitely makes things a little difficult. When you're just moving the D-pad all over the place, it kind of just, you know, it's just a guessing game of which direction to push.
:And here we go, you fight the goblin, and it goes into this battle mode, and, to tell you the truth, in the dark ages of 8-bit entertainment, these graphics are a marvelous sight to laud. But, if thine playeth oneself, you shall hear upon cry the tears of despair and agony as thou realize thou caught in an eternal button-masher. Yeah, that's all you do; is just mash buttons. And the thing is, you have a fire attack. I mean, look at this, you can shoot fireballs, but that doesn't work against the goblins. But you talk to this guy here, and, um...yada-yada, forgive my haste. The important thing to know: he gave me a key. And then, I move on to the treasure chest, I use the key...to open the treasure, and I get...20 gold pieces. A bag of bait, and a sack of bad-smelling spores. Hmm. Well, we all know what ''this'' game's a bad-smelling sack of. So into the next room. Uh. As you can see, going diagonal is kinda tough. I'm gonna use the bait on this goblins. Let's just see what happens here. Do it? Yes, of course.
:''[the bait summons a worm that eats the character]''
:'''The Nerd:''' ''[shocked gasp]'' It ''kills'' you! Look, even the ''items'' kill you! ''Wow!'' Now that is a cheap shot. Alright, let's try again. Into the next room, and...dodge the fireballs-- I mean, not, the arrows...and whatever it throws your way. This game throws everything but the kitchen sink-- A-A-And look! Invisible pits?! Confound it all! Ohhh, I beg of you, have pity! Oh, wow, that's a good one. That's classic. Oh, boy. And the thing about this game is the familiar premise of controlling a wizard navigating through a labyrinth of dungeon cells brings to mind similar games like ''Gauntlet,'' or the obvious ''[The Legend of] Zelda.'' ''[chuckles darkly]'' But those examples only conjure up thy false jolly hopes. As thou seen in my lair above, the artwork in the Nintendo Power magazine and in the instruction manual look divine, but nay, it is but filth. The game is naught of all that is goodly, plagued with visuals cursing the eyes of ye of ill mortals to witness. The shades and hues hereupon are like the bile of a dying bear that consumed only skunks, smeared with the milk of a witch's tits, fused with garlic, and drew a dump. Yeah. And there's another goblin. Ugh, it's so repetitive, you just mash those buttons. Like a disorderly arfarfanarf. I'd rather be bescumbered with dysentery. That's worse than diarrhea because it includes blood and mucus. I'm sorry, that's disgusting, but so is this!
:''[a goblin appears behind the Nerd and roars. The Nerd yells in shock, runs to grab a cane from the floor and begins fighting the goblin ''The Immortal''-style.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Curse you, foul, abhorrent beast! ''[defeats the goblin, who drops to the floor.]'' Eureka! A key! ''[grabs the key from behind the goblin and discovers a door.]'' Yonder I shall go, as I proceed in my journey to further experience the tragedy of ''The Immortal.'' Why must it be I, cursed by the gaming gods, to endure this vomitorium? ''[unlocks the door.]'' Yeah, &quot;vomitorium&quot;. Yeah, that, that's an interesting word. It means, or it was thought to have meant a place where the ancient Romans would all vomit during feasts to make room for more food, but that's just a misconception. It actually means a large colosseum passage that large crowds can exit through rapidly. Such as large crowds of vomit particles rapidly exiting a mouth, ''gaping in misery over a '''foul, wretched video game!''''' Anyway, ''The Immortal.'' Let's go.
:''[the Nerd walks through the door and discovers a group of skeletons.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Death. It is all death here. It began as a gamer's revelry. Those making merry, to open the game on birthdays and holidays with the flames of excitement and adventure in their eyes, but as the agonizing torment set in, as the game mercilessly chastised and dominated them, the instinct to survive faded as the flames in their eyes diminished, and one by one, the revelers all dropped to their knees. Challenge is one thing, but in this game, every step can be deadly; Arrows, flames, giant worms, and there's bats that blend with the dark backgrounds. I mean, how can you avoid something which you cannot see? Trap doors are everywhere, which is a cheap shot, no question about it. I mean, can, can I walk here, or will the floor swallow me? I mean, you'll never know. There's no strategy; no reward for skill. Thou must play it repeatedly to memorize where the pits are. These invisible pits are nothing but a cheap, mean-spirited beginner's trap meant to elicit false and ill-earned replay value.
:'''The Nerd:''' And also, if you touch ''anything,'' you die. Step on the wrong floor tile, you die. Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-- You search the same spot more than once, you die. You approach a ladder or try to climb down a hole from the wrong side, you die. You stand still for too long, you die. You see some tiny little pixel that might be something you can pick up? Nay! Chances are it is but death! In other words, bullshit of the lowest standard. And as mentioned, even thine inventory kills you. When you can't even trust the items, what ''can'' you do? Your character is vulnerable to everything, and for a game called ''The Immortal,'' it begs the question: Who is The Immortal? Because it's certainly not the main character.
:'''The Nerd:''' At one point, in the very first level, you get an amulet, which has an incantation on it. You're given the chance to read it, but if you pick &quot;Yes&quot;, you die. However, the amulet is required to beat the level, so don't read that! But I repeat, the item, that is required to beat the level, can also kill you! How could you make a game in the year of 1990 following a wealth of other games and ignore all that was done previously right? ''What art thou thinking?'' This was made by Electronic Arts? More like Electronic '''''FAAAAAAARTS!'''''
:''[the Nerd drops down to the floor and rests near a stone.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Ugh. And, just-- Oh, for...fucking hell, this forsaken dungeon. And if you thought this torture couldn't get any worse, it does, by enlightening you on how the game could have been better. It was originally made for PCs, like the Apple IIGS, the Amiga, the Atari ST and Sega Genesis. And it's no surprise the Genesis version is better, but all of them had much cleaner graphics. I mean, they're bright and they look more crisp, and plus, the other versions, especially the Genesis, had gore! Yeah! Fatalities, years before ''Mortal Kombat.'' Heads get sliced off, and, look at that, bodies get cut in half vertically, heads explode. I mean, this is-- this game had balls, but it was neutered on the NES. And wouldn't you think the NES, the flagship of all nostalgic video game consoles, would be home to an acceptable version of this? It was a good game. It was a good game. It even-- It even had gore! And-- And I was just playing a bad version all along on the NES. Ugh. ''[sobs angrily]'' Why? Why?! Ugh!
:'''The Nerd:''' Ohh, I-- I can't take it anymore! I thought I knew shit, but nothing could prepare me for this repulsive dung heap! It's a repetitive task, going through the same motions, only to progress one inch closer to the goal. It taunts you; The game knows. It allows you to get one step slightly further. It's like running a hundred-meter dash, but with a bungee cord attached. As soon as you make it near the finish line, it ''yanks'' you back. It's a journey so far travelled, yet barely have you gone forward.
:'''The Nerd:''' And however, if you do make it to the end by some miracle, you have to face a dragon. That's right, it always ends with a dragon. So with this dragon, you're powerless to fight him; you can only use defensive maneuvers. So what you need to do here...is dodge...six of the, the fire breaths with six blink spells. Now, you only have six blink spells, so if you miss one, then you're done; you have to start over. And this dragon, sometimes it shoots the fire right away, other times it leans back and, like, fakes you out. So, you have to memorize the pattern. And that's not all. There's a seventh breath where you have to use the fire protection spell, and again, it's all at a ''very specific time.'' If you miss it, it's over. And that's what sums up this game: just memorizing patterns, and knowing which items to use in which order, i-it's all cryptic trial of error. Just like ''Dragon's Lair.''
:'''The Nerd:''' Ohh, ''The Immortal'' will live on forever as a sadistic, demented electronic mechanism of human suffering. Ohh! Some masochistic alchemist invented this concoction of death traps, awkward combat, stiff controls, items that kill you, constantly dying and starting over. It only leaves you with frustration, anger, sadness and crippling disappointment, emotions that belong nowhere near video games. And when the manual's more fun to read than playing the actual game, you ''know'' you're in trouble. I long for a time when I knew not what this game was. I long for the ''Big Rigs,'' the LJNs, the Fred Fuchs of yesteryear! I rue the day I ever became trapped in ''The Immortal,'' '''''a game where I've stared at the same room so long, the pixelated walls have become my eternal home! I RUE THE DAY I WAS BORN UPON THIS EARTH WHICH HAD SPAWNED SUCH PRIMORDIAL, PUTRID ENGINEERS CAPABLE OF CREATING SOMETHING SO APOCALYPTICALLY HORRID!''''' ''[puts his hands on his chest and moans]'' '''''NEVER SHALL I TOUCH A GAME LIKE THIS AGAIN! I'd rather have a warlord...SHOVE A MORNINGSTAR UP MY ASS!''''' ''[a light comes on from off screen]'' Ah. The light. I must escape. This way.
:''[the Nerd walks away from the wall, and into a cave, where he comes face to face with a growling dragon.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Oh! ''[ducks]'' Oh, good lord! ''[ducks]'' Ah! Ah! Begone, vile fiend! ''[ducks]'' Ahh! Oh, my-- It's futile. I can't win. Smite me, you will. Incinerate me! Banish me to Hell if you wish! ''If Hell is the way out, then Hell it shall be! '''AAAAH!'''''
:''[the Nerd falls to the dragon's fire. The dragon flows off screen.]''

=== Spawn Games ===

=== The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask ===

== Season Fourteen ==

=== Raid 2020 ===

=== Mortal Kombat 1 Ports ===

=== Mortal Kombat Rip-Offs ===

=== Dennis the Menace ===

=== The Incredible Crash Dummies ===

=== Bad Final Fight Games ===

=== Mission Impossible ===

=== Ecco the Dolphin ===

=== Countdown Vampires ===

=== The Legend of Kage ===

=== Taito Legends ===

=== The Simpsons: Bartman Meets Radioactive Man ===

== Season Fifteen ==

=== Shrek: Fairy Tale Freakdown ===

=== Darkman ===

=== Fear and Loathing in Vegas Stakes ===

=== 3DO Interactive Player ===

=== Corpse Killer ===

=== Sega Game Gear VHS Tapes ===

=== Carmaggedon 64 ===

=== Pac-Man 2: The New Adventures ===

=== The Rocketeer ===

=== Greendog: The Beached Surfer Dude ===

=== Commodore 64 ===

=== Freddy and Jason Commodore 64 ===

=== LJN Games Part One (Movie Games) ===

=== LJN Games Part Two (Sports and Marvel Games) ===

=== LJN Games Part Three (Wrestling and Other Games) ===

== Season Sixteen ==

=== The Last Ninja (NES) ===

== External links==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Angry Video Game Nerd, The}}
[[Category:Internet shows]]</text>
      <sha1>he9ccldwcid05kshjhxpavn40dyibso</sha1>
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    <revision>
      <id>3153537</id>
      <parentid>3153518</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T13:41:45Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="416208" xml:space="preserve">'''''[[w:The Angry Video Game Nerd|The Angry Video Game Nerd]]''''' is an Internet series based on a main character, the &quot;Nerd&quot;, created and portrayed by James D. Rolfe. In each episode, the Nerd reviews a terrible video game and rants about it using [[Profanity|profane language]]. Mike Matei helps Rolfe by playing guest characters in certain episodes (Bugs Bunny, The Joker, etc.). Kyle Justin sings and plays the theme song written by Rolfe.

The first two episodes were made in 2004 by Rolfe as a joke to his friends but in 2006, Matei suggested to Rolfe that it should become a regular series.

== Pilots ==

=== [[w:Castlevania II: Simon's Quest|Castlevania II: Simon's Quest]] ===

:''[First line of the series]''
:'''AVGN''': This game sucks. Castlevania I and III are great classic Nintendo games, but for ''[[w: Castlevania II: Simon's Quest|Castlevania II: Simon's Quest]],''  the game designers obviously were not thinking straight.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(complaining about how the game regularly interrupts itself with long, unskippable day-to-night transitions with a text box saying &quot;'''WHAT A HORRIBLE NIGHT TO HAVE A CURSE.'''&quot;)'' Why does this need to happen so often? Like, every five minutes? Why does it take so long? Nobody feels like sitting through this every time. How would you like it if you were playin' a game and then every five minutes I came over, and paused it, then counted ten tedious seconds, and then let you continue play the game? Now, I mean, why did they think that that would be a good idea and interrupt the gameplay, did they think it would be more realistic? I mean, in real life I don't have to stop in my tracks when the sun sets and a fuckin' box doesn't pop up in the air. I mean, this is one of the most annoying features in any game ever. What's the point? Yeah, the, I mean, the monsters are stronger at night and the stores are closed, but why's that necessary and why does the game have to stop? It's fuckin' retarded. And why do you have to die when you fall in the water? That's the stupidest thing I've ever seen. [[w:List_of_Castlevania_characters#Simon Belmont|This guy]] can go all over fightin' hordes of evil monsters, but he can't even fuckin' swim?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN:''' Oh, look, I finally got enough hearts to go and buy a plant that I need to cross the swamp, now let me get to the store. ''(nighttime falls)''  Oh shit, it's fuckin' night time, now the stores are all closed and I have to wait for it to turn day again. Oh well, I might as well kill some zombies in the meantime and stock up on some more hearts. ''(falls into water and dies)'' OH SHIT! Now I gotta start all over again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Here, in the dungeons, there's books that you may find which actually give you clues about things in the game that you may need to know about. But, when I find these books, half the time it's by accident, so I may hit the button and cancel it out which means I don't even get to read it and I don't have a second chance. Why can't I do that when it changes from day to night? That would actually be helpful. So, what the game designers figured is this: it isn't absolutely necessary for me to read about how to find Dracula's castle or what I'm supposed to do with an Oak Stake, but what I do need to read, again and again constantly, is: &quot;The morning sun has vanquished the horrible night&quot;. How about ''&quot;vanquished this horrible GAME&quot;?''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(using the password feature to skip to the end of the game and having to input 16 characters)'' The only sure way to get through this awful game is to enter a code, but even that is way more tedious than it should be. While most of the ''Castlevania'' games have symbols you enter for a code, this one just has a whole bunch of numbers. I mean, like, one of those [four-character]little parts would be enough for a password. But why four? Like why so many? In general, I hate games that have passwords like this, because sometimes they have uppercase and lowercase letters. Like the l's, you know, look like I's, the 0's look like O's, the 8's look like 5's so, why does there have to be so many digits? Y'know, like why can't it just be numbers or somethin'? Like, y' know, just numbers and not letters? I mean, it takes me, like, five minutes to enter this code when it should only take, like, five seconds. It's friggin' stupid. Okay, so, say we enter the code, and we go to Dracula's castle. You'll be pretty disappointed how anticlimactic this game is. It isn't even worth putting in a code, let alone playing the whole game all the way through, which, if you did, I feel bad for you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': What a piece of shit. I mean, I feel horrible that I had to play this game in order to make this video, but I did it to demonstrate its dreadfulness and I forced myself to play it just so that you don't have to. So, you should thank me for telling you to stay away from this horrible steaming pile of goat shit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Thank you for listening, good night. The ending sucks too.

=== [[w:Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (video game)|Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde]] ===
:'''AVGN''':  ''[[w:Pong|Pong]]'' is better. Pong is only, like, three lines and a ball. Those little [[w:Tiger Electronics|Tiger]], like, electronic wrist games, ''those'' are better than Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. It makes no fucking sense! It's like, what were they thinking? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''[looking at the cartridge]'' Here it is, here's the piece of shit game. ''[looks at the price tag, which reads 89 cents]'' Who the hell spent this much fuckin' money on this game?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''':  I mean, if you ever find the game, if you ever see it, smash it. Smash it with a hammer. Smash it 'til every tiny fragment is, like, is so small it's invisible. I mean... you'd rather superglue your fuckhole shut than play that game. You'd rather drown in gasoline. You'd rather... you know, th-the thing is... you think I'm joking, like I'm trying to be funny or something. No, the fact that that game exists is a horrible abomination of mankind. That game is so fucking horrible, and I am not kidding. I am dead fuckin' serious. ''[close-up of the Nerd]'' DEAD... FUCKIN'... SERIOUS. ''[fade-out as the Nerd nervously laughs]''

== Season One ==

=== [[w:The Karate Kid (video game)|The Karate Kid]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': I ''hate'' this game. I mean, it makes me wanna kill myself. Now, the only comforting thing to know is that everybody seems to share my frustration. ''Karate Kid'' is a game, that has haunted many of our childhoods. I mean, everybody has the same story: &quot;I loved the movie, so I got the Nintendo game, and I couldn't stand it, yet I had to keep on playing it, because I had to beat it.&quot; So, what is it about this game, that's drawn so many unfortunate kids to turn into bitter adults, reminiscing on their angry childhood; screamin' at the TV, throwin' the controllers? I mean, anybody who has beaten this incredibly hard piece of shit will not have any sense of satisfaction but, rather regrets, because it is a complete waste of fuckin' time. I mean, it's like coming out of a brutal fight, being the winner, but achieving nothing for all your troubles but some bloody bruises and broken bones. It's just not worth it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': (''dies in a pit'') I hate this game, but why am I playing it? Well, that's the question everyone has asked themselves. And they all have the same reason: because you're angry and you wanna win. You wanna beat the Nintendo, but the cold fact is that nobody cares but you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Man, I guess they decided because the game's only four levels long, it better be the hardest four levels ever. Well, how 'bout this, how about if I made a game where there's just this one cliff you have to jump over and it's like nearly impossible, but if you do it, you win the game and that's it. I mean, what the hell were they thinkin' with this piece of shit? What the hell? Now, if you're a serious Nintendo collector, do yourself a favor, don't get this game, because it's not worth it. I mean, it's made many lives miserable and, y'know, if you see it on sale for a dollar, just stay away. Don't even touch it. ''[spits on cartridge and flushes it down the toilet.]''

=== [[w:Who Framed Roger Rabbit (Nintendo Entertainment System)|Who Framed Roger Rabbit]] ===
:'''AVGN''': ''(talking to a lady after punching her)'' &quot;'''CAN YOU HELP ME'''&quot;, &quot;'''GO AWAY, YOU HORRID MAN'''&quot;... how about &quot;Go away, you HORRID GAME!&quot;?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(gets game over and sees a 20 character password)'' And look at this! Th-this is the longest password ever! Would it have killed them to make this any shorter? It takes forever! Like, why should any game, take like ten minutes to type in the fuckin' password?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(calling Jessica Rabbit on the phone)'' This is Jessica Rabbit? Well, I got your number and I'm callin' just to say &quot;FUCK YOU!&quot;
:'''Jessica Rabbit''': I hope you're proud of yourself!
:'''AVGN''': Yeah, well, I hope you're proud of yourself, and you know what I mean, ya fuckin' whore.
:'''Jessica Rabbit''': I'm not bad. I'm just drawn that way.
:'''AVGN''': Yeah, well, wait 'til I draw your suicide note in your own blood, you bunny fuckin' bitch. I'm comin' over and I'm gonna kill you. I'm gonna kill your whole motherfuckin' family! ''(returns to playing the game)'' Alright, well now I got that out of my system, let's continue with the game.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': All right, the game sucks, end of story; I wanna nail Roger Rabbit to the fuckin' cross.

=== [[w:Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1989 video game)|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]] ===
:'''AVGN''': You may even think I'm tryin' to compare it to the sequels, which are far superior. Two-player, arcade action, beat up a bunch of Foot Soldiers. Good stuff. But, this first one is garbage

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': April O'Neil says: &quot;You have my support.&quot; Okay. What the hell did she ever do for you? Stupid banana raincoat wearin' bitch.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(in the sewers level, as an enemy causes the on-screen turtle to fall in rushing water)'' Ughhh, you son of a fuck! And you know what pisses me off? They're turtles, for fuck's sakes! They can't even swim?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Aw, you fuckrat! This is just a bunch of cockadookie, this is bullfuck.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Cowabunga... Cow-a-FUCKIN' PIECE OF DOGSHIT! This game is diarrhea comin' outta my dick! This game is as appealing as a fuckin' ooze-infested dirty fuckin' sewer rat shit! I've had more fun playing with dog turds! [[w:Shredder (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Shredder's]] my ass and [[w:Splinter (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Splinter's]] my balls! This game is an inside-out asshole regurgitating putrid anal fecal matter! I'd rather fuckin' yank all the hairs out of my scrotum! I'd rather drink diarrhea vomited out of a buffalo's anus! It suckin' fucks, it fuckin' sucks, IT FUCKIN' BLOWS, IT'S A PIECEASHIT... and I don't like it.

=== [[w:Back to the Future (NES video game)|Back to the Future]] ===
:'''AVGN''': ''(on the repetitive music)'' I'd rather have a fucking buffalo take a diarrhea dump in my ear than subject them to this horrendous garbage.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(on the nonsensical in-game representation of Hill Valley and all the obstacles Marty McFly must deal with)'' What happened here? Is this Hill Valley or is it Hell?
:'''Doc Brown:''' No, it's Hill Valley, although I can't imagine Hell being much worse!

&lt;hr width =&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Like, if I just shat into a bag, and wrote ''&quot;Back to the Future&quot;'' on it, that would be the same as this awful piece of shit. It brings my piss to a boil. What a piece of shit! I'll never play it again, either. It's my last time. ''(scoffs)'' I'd rather eat out the rotten asshole of a roadkill skunk than play this game, ever again. And I'm dead serious, too. And do you know what's worse? You know what's - what's really worse? Guess what? There's a sequel!
:'''Marty:''' NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
:'''AVGN''': ''playing [[w:Back to the Future II &amp; III|Back to the Future II &amp; III]]'' Yes, it's true. ''Back to the Future II &amp; III''. Two shitty games for the price of one. Let's check it out.

=== [[w:M.C. Kids|M.C. Kids]] ===
:'''AVGN''': So there's Ronald with his magic bag... bag of hallucinogenic drugs. I always thought that clown was one scary motherfucker.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Then you go to Grimace's board. Here's Grimace, the big purple fuck. Look at his house! It looks like Barney the Dinosaur's testicle.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': It never ends with this game; it’s just like an infinite turd coming out of my ass.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(Explaining a 1-Up gathering trick)'' So if you have an hour to waste, then, there you go. Have fun. You're completely wasting your time, anyway, if playing this game, as I am. Let alone make a fucking video about it. Some people like to call 1-ups &quot;extra guys&quot; or &quot;free mans&quot;. I like to call 'em life insurance.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(At the end of the review)'' Toasty!

=== [[w:Wally Bear and the NO! Gang|Wally Bear and the NO! Gang]] ===
:'''AVGN''': And what's this button for? &quot;PRESS HERE&quot;? Seriously, press here? What for? I mean is it supposed to be telling you how to push the game down? Like, how to put the game into the system? Well, I-I can't really push on it when it's inside the Nintendo. You know, did they really think kids are that stupid? I mean, it should just say, &quot;PRESS HERE, YOU DUMB FUCK!&quot; Like some kid's gonna be like, &quot;Uhhh, duhh, how do I put the game in?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Back in the '80s, it seemed like there were all these characters tryin' to keep kids off of drugs. Whether it was [[w:McGruff the Crime Dog|Mcgruff]], or [[w:Pee-wee Herman|Pee-wee]], or [[w:Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue|the combined efforts of Alf, Michaelangelo, Bugs Bunny and Miss Piggy]] And... this game, I'm sure it didn't help kids stay off drugs at all. In fact, I'm sure the people who made it were on something. So, avoid it at all costs, unless... you are fucked up on drugs. So in that case, let's say NO to drugs... ''(drinking his Rolling Rock)'' and let's say NO to this fuckin' game.

=== [[w:Master Chu and the Drunkard Hu|Master Chu and the Drunkard Hu]] ===
:'''AVGN''': So, yeah, it's a weird game, and you can just tell just by the cartridge. It's one of those weird baby blue cartridges, so you can tell right of the bat that it's a big piece of fucking shit.
:'''Shit Pickle''': Pickle.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': There's only one reason to buy this game. And that's to be able to say, &quot;I own ''Master Chu and the Drunkard Hu'',&quot; so people can awkwardly stare at you.
:'''Shit Pickle''': Shit-pickle-shit-pickle-shit-pickle-shit-pickle.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(Shit Pickle plays the game.)'' So, what do you think?
:'''Shit Pickle''': Shit!
:'''AVGN''': Exactly.

=== [[w:Top Gun (video game)|Top Gun]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': (on the landing sequence) You know, it's like every time I get to this part, I think I might have a chance. This is gonna be it. I'm finally going to land the plane. ''(reading the on-screen directions)'' '''&quot;Speed down. Left, left. Speed up. Right, right! Speed up! Speed down! Left, left! Speed up! Speed down. Up, up! Up, up!&quot;''' I'm hitting up.
''[The Nerd sweats profusely getting closer to the TV. The plane misses the aircraft carrier and crashes into the ocean''.]
:'''The Nerd''': '''''ASSSS! FUUUUCK!'''''

=== [[w: Double Dragon III|Double Dragon III]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Ooh, I know what you're thinking. &quot;How dare you pick on ''Double Dragon''?&quot; But I'm not. [[w:Double Dragon|''Double Dragon'']]'s awesome! So is [[w:Double Dragon II|''Double Dragon II: The Revenge'']]. But ''Double Dragon III: The Sacred Stones'' is just a fucking waste.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(Playing the two-player game, on the introductory cutscene)'' Now, just like the one-player game, it starts off with the story sequence, but this time it shows both the Double Dragons, Billy and Jimmy Lee. Oh, wait... '''''Bimmy and Jimmy'''?'' How'd they make a mistake like this!? '''''Bimmy''''' isn't even a real name! How did this happen!? They didn't even proofread this shitty game before they released it? '''''Bimmy and Jimmy?''''' I'm sorry, I just can't get over that. '''''Bimmy and Jimmy.''''' There's a typo in a Nintendo game, let alone a fucking ''Double Dragon'' game, and it's the first screen!

=== [[w:Friday the 13th (NES game)|Friday the 13th]] ===
:'''AVGN''': Oh, fffuck! Look at the map. I've just been walkin' in the wrong fuckin' direction. What a wonderful game! The bare basics of left and right do not apply. And that's why this game is so great, because it's free from all logic. Logic is for pussies!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(commenting on the game over screen)'' That's ingenious. That's... the best Game Over screen I ever saw. For real, I'm actually being dead serious! DEAD FUCKIN' SERIOUS. That's brilliant, right? ''(looks at Jason)'' &quot;You and your friends are dead. Game Over.&quot; It's priceless. Like, I can't believe it! Isn't that a mean thing to say to kids? Nobody ever ''dies'' in Nintendo. They're either &quot;defeated&quot; or they... turn into an item and like, float away. But here comes a game, like ''Friday the 13th'', that just cuts the bullshit, shows some balls, comes flat out and says: &quot;You're fuckin' dead... ''and'' your friends, too.&quot; Beautiful. And what if there was a sequel? It would have to say somethin' even worse. Like, I got it. I got a good idea of what it should say. It should say:
:'''&quot;You're dead.'''
:'''Your friends are dead.'''
:'''Your family's dead.'''
:'''Your fuckin' pets are bein' skinned alive.'''
:'''Your mom's a fuckin' whore.'''
:'''You suck at life.'''
:'''The whole world hates you.'''
:'''You're goin' to hell.'''
:'''Live with it.'''
:'''Game Over.&quot;'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I'd rather play ''Doom'' on Atari. I'd rather play ''Halo'' on a Tiger Electronics wrist game. I'd rather drown in diarrhea. I'd rather fuckin' eat my fuckin' balls off and puke 'em out my fuckin' ass! I'd rather piss a cactus out of my dick! The music is fuckin' worse than life itself, and I'd turn the volume down except for the fact that I have to hear the Jason Alarm! It's all just a test of patience, and it can kiss ''my fuckin’ asshole!''

=== [[w:A Nightmare on Elm Street (video game)#video games|A Nightmare on Elm Street]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': Could the villains be any more stock? Like, we have this creepy game about Freddy. What kind of creepy characters can we add? Well, how about bats, ghosts, spiders, skeletons, Frankensteins for the kiddies? Could it be any more un-creative than that? Like, why don't they just add some witches, black cats, and flying jack-o'-lanterns? They should've just called the game &quot;Boo! Haunted House!&quot; Which is probably what they originally had in mind, until they thought, &quot;No, wait, make it about [[w:Freddy Kreuger|Freddy]]. We already ruined ''Friday the 13th,'' now let's do the same thing to ''Nightmare on Elm Street.&quot;'' And that's right. It's by the same company. We're not gonna say who it is, but it stands for &quot;[[w:LJN|Laughin' Jokin' Numbnuts]].&quot;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, God! Is Freddy comin'? He sure is! Of all the shitty things in this game, this screen is so cheesy that it's just awesome. But it's ruined by the fuckin' trademark symbol! ''[zooms in on the trademark symbol next to Freddy's name]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': You know what's really weird? That this game was actually capable of a 4-player mode using an accessory that allows four controllers to be connected to your Nintendo Entertainment System? Now, I can't imagine having four people playing this game. Who's gonna want to play this piece of shit? I'm lucky if I can get one other person! I have a better chance of cloning myself.
:''[Four Nerds play the game together, yelling things such as &quot;This is fuckin' fuck!&quot;, &quot;It's diarrhea fuck!&quot;, &quot;This game is horrible!&quot;, &quot;Diarrhea fuck.&quot;, &quot;It sucks!&quot;, &quot;It's fuck!&quot;, &quot;It's balls!&quot;, &quot;What a piece of fuck.&quot;, &quot;What a fuckload of fuck.&quot;, and &quot;What a piece of fuckin' fuck.&quot;]''
:'''Back Nerd''': Hey, wait. Wait, wait, wait. I just cloned myself. I'm in a dream, I can do whatever I want, so why don't we all just stop playin' this fuckin' game?
:'''Left Nerd''': Yeah.
:'''Back Nerd''': So, the fuck with that fuck.
:'''Right Nerd''': Yeah, the fuck with that... godfuckingdamn fuck.
:'''True Nerd''': The fuck with that godfuckingdamn... '''''fuckin'''''' fuck.
:'''Left Nerd''': &lt;big&gt;'''''THE FUCK WITH THAT GODFUCKINGDAMN MOTHERFUCKIN' BULLFUCK!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''True Nerd''': Relax.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Freddy Krueger''': Whoa! Look at me! I'm the fuckin' Nerd! What a piece of fuck! Buffalo diarrhea fuckfarts! You see, Nerd? Nobody makes you play these games but yourself. So, you're your own damn nightmare. Now, you're gonna die.
:'''The Nerd''': Go yank your cock through your fuck, you fuckin' butt mongrel: I got the ''Power Glove!''

=== [[w:Power Glove|Power Glove]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': [[w:The Wizard (1989 film)|I love the Power Glove. It's so bad.]] And I mean ''bad''. This thing is bad. Why need a glove to play a game? What's wrong with this? ''[grabs the regular NES controller]'' Huh? I don't know. I thought this was okay, playing it, you know, with a controller. So if anything, the Power Glove, it's an interesting experiment in gaming technology. But too bad they were just fuckin' jerkin' off! Like, why does it suck so bad? Well, I have one complaint, ''[flashes middle finger]'' ''one fuckin' complaint'' about this glove; It doesn't work.  Now, what's the most important aspect about any game? Well, being able to fuckin' play it!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[Plays [[w:Jackal (video game)|Jackal]] and reads the opening screen's text]'' &quot;'''This battle will make your blood boil. Good luck!'''&quot; &quot;Good luck&quot; is right. I'm using the fuckin' Power Glove.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[plays [[w:Rad Racer|Rad Racer]] with the Power Glove]'' You know what's really cool about ''Rad Racer?'' That if you push &quot;Select&quot;... ''[pushes &quot;Select&quot;]'' ...the game goes ''3D.'' I'm playing ''Rad Racer'' with the Power Glove ''and'' 3D glasses. Ya can't get any more rad than that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Wow. Playing ''[[w:Top Gun (video game)#Original releases|Top Gun]]'' with the Power Glove. [[The Angry Video Game Nerd#Toxic Crusaders|It's like pukin' on a pile of shit]]. [in-game, &quot;'''TO LANDING SEQUENCE'''&quot;] Oh, my God. What the fuck am I doing? I'm tryin' to land the plane in Top Gun with the Power Glove? I can't even land it with the regular controller. ''[he manages to successfully land the plane; surprised, he takes a quick glance at the Power Glove, and looks back at the screen]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': If you want to bring a totally new element of challenge to your Nintendo games, try the Power Glove, 'cause it sure makes everything a lot harder. It's just a barely functional contraption designed to rip off little kids. It's the biggest scam since the Atari 5200 controller. The only kids who owned this were usually the richer ones who thought they were cool. Well, they're not cool. I'm not cool, either. Look at me. You think I'm cool? I've got a fuckin' glove on my hand. I'm tryin' to play a fuckin' game with it. I look like an idiot with [[w:A Fistful of Dollars|a fistful of fuck.]] ''[pretends to shoot his fingers off with the grey 1985 NES Zapper, leaving only his middle finger, which he flashes.]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Now you're playing with power. Now you're playing with fuckin' fuck! You're better off fuckin' fuck than fuckin' with this fucked-up fuck! Fuck this fuck! You don't know fuck about how fuckin' fucky this fuckin' fuck is! It's so bad it sucks. It's so fuckin' suck it fucks! And I...can't take it anymore. ''[holds bottle of Rolling Rock which he drinks while wearing the Power Glove, accompanied by the &quot;Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!!&quot; Game Over Theme]''

=== Chronologically Confused ===
:'''AVGN''': ''(talking about the [[w:Mega Man|Mega Man]] series)'' What's this? Mega Man Battle network series? [[w:Mega Man 64|Mega Man 64]]? Did they really make it that far? No, that was just the Nintendo 64's stupid gimmick of putting 64 at the end of every fucking title.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': So when [[w:Final Fantasy VII|Final Fantasy VII]] came out, they just called it Final Fantasy VII and that's when the confusion began. I wondered what the fuck happened to IV V and VI?! But what I really should've been wondering, little did I know, what the fuck happened to II III and V? And once I figured that out, I was like,&quot;So there were other Final Fantasy games we didn't know about?&quot; I was playing VI all along and not III? What a fuckin' bunch of fuckin' bullfuck!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The Star Trek series did the same thing. Right now, there's ten of them. Star Trek I-VI were all numbered. But when they stopped using the original cast from the show and started using the cast from Star Trek: The Next Generation, they dropped the numbers from the films and called them: Star Trek Generations, Star Trek First Contact, Star Trek Insurrection and Star Trek Nemesis. Okay, well that's real fine. But where did the fucking numbers go? If they couldn't call Star Trek Generations, Star Trek VII then why didn't they call it Star Trek The Next Generation off the show and then call the next one Star Trek The Next Generation II and just start a new line of sequels? 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The title of [[w:Bruce Lee|Bruce Lee's]] first film was called ''[[w:The Big Boss|The Big Boss]]'', but when they released it in the U.S., the American distributors or whoever was responsible decided to change the title to ''Fists of Fury''. Well okay, that's just fine, but the next one happened to be called ''[[w:Fist of Fury|Fist Of Fury]]''. So, uh oh, we fucked up! What are we going to call it here in the U.S.? We can't call it ''Fist of Fury'' because we changed the last one to ''Fists of Fury''. Call it ''The Chinese Connection'' and from now on, just call the movies whatever the fuck they're originally called.

=== [[w:Rocky (1987 video game)|Rocky]] ===
:'''AVGN''': ''(Regarding the training sequences)'' Cock-a-fuckin'-doodle-ass-shit-suckin'-bullfuck! This is fuckin' boring!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(On the convoluted controls as described in the game manual)'' So did you get that? Well, let me sum it up. It stinks!
:'''Rocky''': That's right, it stinks!
:'''AVGN''': It's a bunch of putrid anal shit coming out of a rhinoceros' asshole. It fucks up the ass, shits out the mouth, piss out the nose, dookie out the ear, diarrhea out the dick, shits for the birds! The control in this game... is pooh-pooh.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': This game is ass. I'd rather take a bath in elephant feces. I'd rather eat raw eggs.

=== Bible Games ===
:'''AVGN''': ''(Playing [[w:Bible Adventures|Bible Adventures]], reviewing &quot;Noah's Ark&quot;; regarding the character Noah, who literally picks up animals and puts them in the ark in the game)'' I just can't get over that. He's an old man, and not only does he pick the animals up, he lifts them over his head! It doesn't even slow him down. How could such an old man be so strong? Have you ever tried to lift a horse? Not that easy. What the shit!? Let alone a horse and an ox!? Or fuck! A horse, a cow, and two oxen!? What the fuckin' shit!? Noah's so goddamn strong, he puts [[w:The Incredible Hulk|The Hulk]] to shame. And the poor creatures, they're so scared shitless, they don't even try to get away. Noah, man. Nobody fucks with him. Not even [[w:Chuck Norris|Chuck Norris]]!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(Reviewing &quot;David and Goliath&quot;)'' And you know what? All three games use the same music. You'd rather listen to your own infant son puking to death. That is, choking on his own puke-chunks. ''(long pause)'' That's disgusting. I apologize.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(reviewing [[w:Bible Buffet|Bible Buffet]] on NES, responding to its in-game voice clips)'' That voice is just crazy! I-I dunno what it is, but it just sounds out of place. Not that anything is ''in'' place, but I dunno. It's so rare to hear such a clear voice in a Nintendo game. But I suppose it's also rare for Nintendo to have a Bible game with no references to the Bible, resembling Atari, that's all about food trying to kill you, yet it's also a board game rip-off with quizzes that you can't answer, and, if it's a Bible game, why do you blow a snowman's head off? Whatever happened to &quot;[[Book of Exodus|Thou shall not kill]]&quot;? Please, somebody tell me! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''[ [[w:Invisible Touch (song)|Invisible Touch]] is heard in the background]'' So let's play another bible game. It's the Book of Genesis on [[w:Sega Genesis|Sega Genesis]]. And the soundtrack is [[w:Genesis (band)|Genesis]]. ...I'm just making this up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''[Playing [[w:Super 3D Noah's Ark|Super Noah's Ark 3D]]]'' Listen to how cheerful the music is. ''(Theme from Super 3D Noah's ark plays)'' Wow, that's great. It's just what you need is some really upbeat music to go along with Noah getting murdered by a bunch of fucking goats!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I’d rather fuck a porcupine and shove a cactus up my ass! I'd rather slurp crap oozing out of a warthog's anus-hole! It's just a bunch of poopy diarrhea doodoo ass-shit!

== Season Two ==

=== [[w:Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III Part One]] ===

:'''The Nerd''': (sighs) ''Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III'' ''(he slaps the tape back into its case as it starts to fall out)'' SUCKS SHIT! Not even regular shit. Putrid, barfed-out roadkill diarrhea shit. Now you might be sayin', &quot;Well that's your opinion.&quot; Well yeah, it is. It's my opinion, that it's a motherfuckin' fact, that this pile of dog shit called ''Ninja Turtles III'' is the most god-awful disgrace in human existence! Now, I know you've seen a lot of bad movies. But, no, let me tell you, this movie is '''BAD.''' Like, how bad? Like, is it the worst of the ''Turtles'' trilogy? Oh, undeniably, but that's not the point. My point, is that this is the worst fuckin' movie I've ever seen in my life! Now, I can tell you from the perspective of a 12-year-old and a 26-year-old, that it needs to rot in Hell, in Satan's asshole. Now what I mean by that is I was 12 the first time I saw the movie, in the theaters in 1993, and I was such a big Turtle fan, I just accepted it. I just held the truth inside. And, you know it's just been tearin' away at me all these years. And now, lookin' back at it, I just gotta come clean and honest, man. I just gotta let it all out. THIS MOVIE... is '''FUCKIN' TERRIBLE!''' ''(punches the tape)''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': &quot;Why was there no subtitle in the movie?&quot; They subtitled the last movie. Well, I have an answer. Look under that title. You see that blank, empty space? Let that be an indication of the blank, empty imagination employ within and the void it left in our hearts.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(criticizing the inferior animatronics)'' Is this movie made for little kids? Well, I guess it is, so the joke's on me. The worst of all is Splinter. He looks like fuckin' roadkill! And I guess they never finished him because you only see his upper body. He's like a puppet that should be used on Sesame Street. Even worse is his voice!
:'''Splinter''': Have patience, my son.
:'''AVGN''': What an assload of fuck! Well, everything sucks.

=== [[w:Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III Part Two]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''[on Walker's death scene]'' Now, I gotta pause this because I gotta ask, how many times have you seen this shot in a movie? Way too fuckin' much. It was one of the biggest clichés of the time. What happened at the end of Batman? The Joker falls, same shot. What happens at the end of Dick Tracy? Big Boy falls, same thing. But Turtles III takes this cliché to a whole new level. I mean, a whole new level. Watch what happens when Walker hits the water.
:''[Walker screams while he falls to his death, and the water splashes]''
:'''The Nerd''': Did you see that? Here it goes again.
:''[The scene is repeated]''
:'''The Nerd''': There's no splash. Instead, he disappears. But he doesn't disappear. He like, implodes into himself. I'm really stunned, like why'd they do this? They couldn't do a special effect for a splash? But, what they could do is make him implode. Now, if you couldn't make a splash, why couldn't you just cut away, and then, just leave the sound of the splash? That would've actually been more effective. I can re-edit it right now. Watch.
:''[Walker screams while he falls to his death, and the scene cuts to the Turtles with the sound of the splash intact]''
:'''The Nerd:''' See? That's all they had to do, so why make the weird imploding effect? What were they thinking?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Cowabunga. Cowa-fuckin'-piece-of-dog-fuck! I'd rather watch fuck oozing out of a buffalo's fuckhole. I'd rather fucking puke diarrhea up my dick. It fucking sucks so much fucking suck, it fucks. It fucking sucks so much cocksucker motherfucker bullfuck that...well, something must be done.
:''[The Nerd takes the movie, looks at it, then sets on floor before taking out a katana. He braces it, aims it, then splits the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III VHS tape in two. Then he switches to a hammer.]''
:'''The Nerd''':  IT'S HAMMER TIME!
:''[He smashes the video until all of it is smashed to bits, and he sighs angrily. The camera pans to see the destruction of the VHS copy of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III, accompanied by the level complete music from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for the NES, before the scene fades to black.]''

=== [[w:Atari 5200|Atari 5200]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Look at how huge this beast is, it's ginormous! And why is there a door on it? Is this a video game console, or a fucking closet? Even the AC Adapter weighs a million tons.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': What's the most important aspect about any fucking game? Well, being able to fucking play it. And what do you need to fucking play it? A fucking controller! So what do you do when the controller doesn't work? You're fucked! This is the reason the system failed. ''This.'' In the name of God, Heaven and Hell; everything in between, every creature on Earth; by the far reaches of the Galaxy; by the inner rings on the Universe and... every Megaverse and the Ultraverse, let it be known. Let the word be known. This controller... is ''fuckin' horrible''!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Then there's all these numeric buttons. Like, what the shit is this? Is this thing a phone? Like, what is all this for? Is it, like, talking to intergalactic space aliens, flying fuckernauts or astrobastards?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''[unable to play the Atari 5200 due to defective controllers]''  As for the 5200, there's third party controllers made for replacing the shitty controller that the system came with. So let's take a trip into the cyber world known as the internet and take a look. ''[Goes to his computer and the Ebay website. Finds a listing that says &quot;ATARI 5200 CONTROLLER - Works fucking better!&quot;]''

=== [[w:Ghostbusters (video game)|Ghostbusters]]===
:'''The Nerd:''' So, I just wanted to take you back to the '80s, when ''Ghostbusters'' and Nintendo were the best things in the world. Now, the Nintendo Entertainment System, I believe needs no introduction. So, when we heard that a ''Ghostbusters'' '''game''' for Nintendo was coming out, we were so excited we shit our pants. Literally, ''shit'' came out our asses and we rocketed through the roof! It was two of our favorite things comin' together, should have been like bread and butter. But more like dead skunk and dog shit! ''(He inserts the cartridge into the NES.)'' You pop this piece of crap in, expecting ''Ghostbusters,'' and whaddya get? Well, ''Ghostbusters''. Got the logo there, looks promising enough. But are you willing to bet that it's gonna get really bad once you start playin'? Yeah, well, guess what? It gets bad as soon as you press the Start button. ''(The Nerd presses the Start button) '' ''(an extremely low-bit &quot;GHOSTBUSTERS!&quot; sound can be heard on the TV)'' The fuck was that?! ''(the low-bit &quot;GHOSTBUSTERS!&quot; repeats)'' &quot;Gowsht Bushterrrsh!&quot; ''(the low-bit &quot;GHOSTBUSTERS!&quot; repeats again)'' Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not tryna to criticize the game for its lack of voice clarity, but ya hear how bad this sounds? Let this set the tone for the rest of the game.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(Game starts)'' So, here's the main screen. This is it. This is ''Ghostbusters'' on Nintendo. This is my wasted childhood you're lookin' at. I don't even need to comment. Just look at it, it's shits for the birds! Okay, we gotta come up with a game about ''Ghostbusters'', what can we do? How about just have the ''Ghostbusters'' logo floatin' around playin' tag with cute, little yellow ghosts? So if you like ''Ghostbusters'', it's right up your alley. More like up your ASS!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Does there exist any store that sells... a ghost vacuum? Let's find out. ''(The Nerd turns on his cellphone and punches in a phone number)''
:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;Hi, do you sell vacuums?&quot;
:'''Manager:''' &quot;Uh, yes.&quot;
:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;Um, yeah, uh, I'm lookin' for a special kinda vacuum. It's like, shaped like a funnel, sorta.&quot;
:'''Manager:''' &quot;Hmm, what kind of vacuum?&quot;
:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;It's like, shaped like a funnel, like you put it on the roof of your car.&quot;
:'''Manager:''' &quot;You want a vacuum to clean your car?&quot;
:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;No, you put it '''on''' the top of your car... like while you're drivin'...?&quot;
:'''Manager:''' &quot;To, t-,t-, you want a vacuum to clean?&quot;
:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;No, y'know, these vacuums are for catchin' ghosts...&quot; ''(The Nerd struggles to contain laughter)''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Oh please, Game Genie, grant me three wishes!

=== [[w:Ghostbusters video games|Ghostbusters Followup]] ===

:'''The Nerd''': ''[when he talks about the ending of Ghostbusters on NES]'' Well, first of all, &quot;'''Conglaturation !!!'''&quot; is spelled wrong, but it's not even a simple typo. Two letters in two different places are wrong which probably means they really didn't know how to spell it. So that's 20 points off for that just because it's such an atrocious misspelling. But then why isn't it plural? You don't usually say &quot;Congratulation.&quot;, you say &quot;Congratulation''s''&quot;. So technically it's got nothing to do with the spelling, it's a different error altogether. So that's another ten points for that. Then, &quot;'''You have completed a great game.'''&quot;!? Well that's just simply wrong, 20 points for that statement. Even if it was a great game, it shouldn't have to announce it. So then you have a punctuation error, because the next sentence begins with &quot;'''And'''&quot;. Then you got an extra O in &quot;'''prooved'''&quot;. And proved what? &quot;'''prooved the justice of our culture.'''&quot;? So it's saying that you proved that our culture has justice? I don't know. &quot;'''Now go and rest our heroes !'''&quot; Instead of &quot;Now go and rest, comma, our heroes&quot;, it's telling you to go rest our heroes. Okay, well, sorry to say but we had to take off 90 points. But hey, a score of 10% means that there's still hope. But wait, is there any reason that there's one exclamation mark here (at Heroes !) and then there's three up there (after Conglaturation !!!)? That's another 10 points off for lack of consistency with a total score of zero. F-minus. It should have said...

:'''Congratulations!'''
:'''You had the patience to sit through this awful game.'''
:'''You proved your nerdiness.'''
:'''Now go fuck yourself!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''The Nerd''': ''(reviewing ''Ghostbusters'' on the Sega Master System, commenting on how the controllable logo leaves black dots on the streets it crosses)'' I don't exactly understand the idea of dropping poop everywhere you go. Thought the Ghostbusters are in a car, not a horse and buggy.

=== [[w:Ghostbusters video games|Ghostbusters Conclusion]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''[Playing [[w:Ghostbusters II (NES)|''Ghostbusters 2'']] for [[w:Nintendo Entertainment System|NES]], commenting on its level setup]'' And that's what I'm fuckin' talking about. ''Ghostbusters'' should be nothing more complicated than just running around, zapping ghosts! So it's a huge, '''''huge''''' improvement over the first game. But that's not saying much. It still sucks monkey fuck and pukes diarrhea up your fucking asshole. And that's interesting, because the movie [[w:Ghostbusters II|''Ghostbusters II'']] is definitely inferior to the first one. So, I guess the formula works like this: A good movie equals... a shitty, fuckin' game. ''But,'' ''[throws game to ground]'' a ''not''-so-good movie equals a game... that's not ''as'' shitty.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' It's also stupid that A shoots slime, and B jumps. Usually, it's the other way around. As for Start and Select, they don't do donkey dick. Usually Start is &quot;Pause&quot;, but here, there's no fuckin' way to pause the damn game. ''[throws controller to the floor]''
:'''The Nerd''': I mean, if you've gotta go answer the phone, or take a shit, it's like, tough shit if you gotta take a shit! You gotta take a quick shit! You gotta have turbo turds! I'm trying to play the game, I got shit stains in my pants, and an answering message on my phone that says, &quot;Sorry. I'm playing ''Ghostbusters 2'' on Nintendo.&quot; What a selfish game. BOTTOM LINE, HAVE A FUCKIN' PAUSE BUTTON! GODDAMMIT! ''[throws an Ecto-1 toy to the ground]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[reviewing ''Ghostbusters'' on [[w:Sega Genesis|Sega Genesis]]]'' I like this? I can't believe what I'm saying.
:'''The Nerd''': I think the world is coming to an end. Seriously, like [[Ghostbusters|fire and brimstone coming down from the skies. Rivers and seas boiling! 40 years of darkness! Earthquakes! Volcanoes! The dead rising from their graves! Human sacrifice, dogs and cats livin' together, mass hysteria!]] But don't worry, I'll find something about it that sucks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' Guess what the toughest enemies in the game are? Coffee cups. You'd think they'd shatter after just one hit, but no. They take forever to break. I don't get it. Lots of the enemies are just annihilated after just one hit, but not those. Don't fuck with the coffee cups.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' The boss battles are cool, although sometimes really random, like this blue guy that comes apart. Come on, die! Alright-- Oh, he's still got a head! Yeah! You got the crystal monkey man, the evil snowman, the fire dragon, the flame guy, the face that emerges from the wall, the woman who multiplies into three; gotta shoot the real one. Then there's the Grim Reaper who looks like Dracula from [[w:Castlevania II: Simon's Quest|''Castlevania II,'']] then there's the plant which reminds me of [[w:The Little Shop of Horrors|''Little Shop of Horrors,'']] which is an interesting connection because [[w:Rick Moranis|Rick Moranis]] starred in [[w:Little Shop of Horrors (film)|the remake]], and he was Louis in ''Ghostbusters.'' Then you got Stay Puft who relentlessly attacks you during the stage, but then at the end, you finally get to punish him for all the shit he put you through. Die! Die! Get him, get him, get him, get him, get him, get him! Yeah! He's dead as shit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' In a sea of terrible ''Ghostbusters'' games, this one ''[Ghostbusters for Sega Genesis]'' stands out, and it's still fun to play. If you can somehow get your hands on it, I'd check it out.
:'''The Nerd''': So, this concludes my 3-part review of all the ''Ghostbusters'' games that I can get my hands on. Is it kinda ironic that I end on one that's actually kinda decent? I don't know. I mean, is it anymore ironic that [[w:Lorenzo Music|the same guy who did the voice for Garfield]] did the voice for Peter Venkman in the ''Ghostbusters'' cartoon? Well, Bill Murray was a live-action Peter Venkman, and he also did the voice of Garfield in [[w:Garfield: The Movie|the movie]].
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' And one more thing: ''[[w:Ghostbusters: Afterlife|Ghostbusters 3]]''. Is it ''really'' gonna happen? ''Should'' it happen? Well, if they made ''The Santa Clause 3,'' ''Free Willy 3,'' ''Home Alone 3,'' ''Psycho 3,'' ''The Neverending Story 3,'' ''Problem Child 3,'' and about ten thousand ''Scary Movie'' and ''American Pie'' sequels, all the crap that gets shat out of Hollywood's big fat fuckin' ass, I don't see why ''Ghostbusters 3'' shouldn't get made. I grew up with those movies. I would love to see those guys put on the proton packs one more time. Even if the whole movie's just the Ghostbusters sittin' around takin' a shit, I'd go see it.

=== [[w:Spider-Man video games|Spider-Man]] ===

:'''Kyle Justin as Spider-Man:''' ''(on ''Spider-Man'' on Atari 2600)'' '''THIS GAME SUCKS MY SPIDER-BALLS!''' IT'S HORRIBLE!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(on ''Spider-Man: Return of the Sinister Six'')'' The game's ''Spider-Man: Return of the Sinister Shit''.

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:'''Spider-Man:''' ''(hitting himself with the Game Boy in frustration)'' What the fuck is wrong with these game designers?! They don't know what the fuck they're doing! I can't believe they did this to me! They made a game out of me and it's fuckin' shit!! IT'S HORRIBLE! ''(throws the Game Boy to the ground)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Spider-Man:''' ''(while AVGN jokes about the pizza-delivering objectives early in ''Spider-Man 2'' on Game Boy Advance)'' I'm a super hero. I shouldn't be known as a pizza delivery man.
:'''AVGN''': I wish Spider-Man would deliver my pizzas every day.
:'''Spider-Man:''' ''(raises middle finger to AVGN)'' I'm gonna fucking shove a pizza up your fuckin' ass!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Kyle Justin:''' (singing to the tune of the Spider-Man theme song)
:''Spider-Man, Spider-Man''
:''Takes a dump in a coffee can''
:''Plays some games with a grudge''
:''Gonna shit out some anal fudge''
:''Look out, here comes some shitty games''
:''Alcohol is his power source''
:''Takes a piss like a drunken horse''
:''Climbs a wall, then he falls''
:''This game sucks his spider-balls''
:''Oh no, he's playing the shitty games''
:''When he plays his games''
:''He feels so ashamed''
:''He shoots web from his wrist''
:''But now Spider-Man's fucking pissed''

=== [[w:Sega CD|Sega CD]] ===

:'''The Nerd''':  Wow. It's like you get to play the games on a CD! Check out the graphics! Full motion video, opposed to video that ''isn't'' full motion! 64 simultaneous colors! 12.5 MHz processor! '''''Holy shit!''''' This thing is total '''''FUCKIN' GAR-BITCH!''''' How would you like it if I conduct the rest of the video like this? ''(screen becomes smaller and the video choppier, like the Sega CD's &quot;FMV.&quot;)'' &quot;Full motion video&quot;, my fuck! I'd rather be full fuckin' screen!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So you put the fuckin' game in, and oh, guess what? It runs off of its own power adapter. Yeah, that's two. One for the Genesis and one for the Sega CD. If it can't run off the same power, why couldn't it just be its own independent system? Instead it's like a fuckin' parasite or somethin'. Then there's this problem: the load time. Load of fuck! You could go dump your fuck in the fucking time it takes. So if you're gonna play the Sega CD, grab a fucking beer and be patient.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[[w:The Adventures of Willy Beamish|Willy Beamish]]''. The teacher talks to you, and you come up with answers. Should I say, &quot;Oh, that was my frog, Horny.&quot;? The frog's name is &quot;Horny&quot;?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd: '''Now we got ''Sol-Feace''. More like ''Sol-Feces''! Well, holy shit, I gotta be honest. It reminds me of ''R-Type'' or ''LifeForce'', and that's pretty cool, so all I gotta say is, this one's not bad.

=== [[w:Sega 32X|Sega 32X]] ===

:'''The Nerd''': The Sega CD had its place in history. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's a piece of shit. But it had a certain appeal. The 32X is the real deal. It sucks. Oh God, it sucks. You plop it on the top of the Genesis, like they're mating. God, I mean, do you think that's enough add-ons? It doesn't even look aesthetically presentable. I mean, it's just like an ugly tumor. I mean, did they really need all this bullshit leeching on the Genesis? That poor Genesis is just thinking: &quot;Oh, please, God, take this shit off me.&quot; It's like getting gang-raped. Both of its slots are getting ''fucked'' at the same time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''(plugging in the power adapters for the game consoles)'' Here goes the Genesis, the Sega CD, and... bullshit. What a load of fucking bullshit. How did they fuck this up so bad? I can't even turn it the other way because it doesn't fit. Why can I only plug in two power adapters? Why can't these go sideways? Or, better yet, why the Hell do they have these box things? Why can't it just be like this? ''(ends in a thin plug)'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''(playing [[w:Primal Rage|Primal Rage]] with only the background visible)'' Great title screen, huh? There isn't even any title at all. ''(cuts to the character select menu, where once again no characters are visible)'' What is this? Wh-wait a minute. Oh, please, God, tell me what's going on. Why can't I see the characters? I'm playing ''Invisible Primal Rage''! Alright, let's try [[w:Virtua Fighter (video game)|Virtua Fighter]]. ''(the characters aren't visible here either)'' What the FUCK?! Guess what, we left something out.  There's another cable which connects the Genesis to the 32X. Isn't it enough that the damn thing is inserted on to the ''top'' of the Genesis? Why does it need another connector? 'Look at this. It's a fuckin' mess. And what a perfect visual analogy. Sega invented the 32X to increase the lifespan of the Genesis, and that's exactly what the friggin' thing looks like. It's on life support.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': And just to celebrate their failure, or just for shits and giggles, they released a few '''CD-32X''' games, which required both the 32X ''and'' the Sega CD. So, if you happened to own ''this'' pile of vomit and ''this'' piece of shit'','' you can mix the two together.

=== [[w:Silver Surfer (video game)|Silver Surfer]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' Alright, this is ''Silver Surfer''. Silver Shit! ''(inserts game into NES and turns it on)'' He looks so ''stupid!'' I mean, what the hell's wrong with him? He's just like... like... ''(The Nerd tries to imitate Silver Surfer's pose.)''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' What'd I say before? This game's not bad? Well, no. It isn't bad. '''''It's FUCKIN' HORRIBLE!''''' And I ''dare'' you to play it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' I can't take it anymore. ''(Drinks some Yuengling)'' You know... there's really no point of going on. It's not like there's a reward, like there's a pot of gold sittin' on top of the TV. You know if you beat the game, it probably just says &quot;The End&quot;, and that's it. So to keep playing it, you gotta be a fuckin' nerd.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' I mean this game just pukes snot up my ass. It's like you touch the top of the building, you die, you touch the ceiling, you die, you touch the floor, you die, too far to the right, you die, too far to the left, you die, you die, you die, you die, die, ''die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die,'' '''DIE!''' ''(lies on the floor, holds his eyes in anger, and mimics the game over screen) (upset voice)'' Oh, God, I can't fuckin' stand it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' This game is so hard, it would actually be easier to go outside in a thunderstorm and try to dodge rain. It would be easier to walk barefoot, without your toes or heels touching the floor. It'd be easier to pick fly shit out of pepper... while wearing boxing gloves! The fact you can get hit only once, pretty much means that you're weaker than every other enemy in the game. HOW DO YOU DIE FROM JUST TOUCHING A WALL?! I can understand if he's flying at like 200 miles per hour and he ''crashes'' into the wall, but the fact that he just ''touches'' the wall and dies is just ridiculous. I never read any of the comics, so I don't know what Silver Surfer's powers are, but isn't he supposed to be pretty strong? So why'd they make him into a wimp?! Why is he fuckin' up rubber ducks and weepin' like a crybaby? It's like some sort of fuckin' joke! Like what if they had Bruce Lee tripping over his own shoelaces? It's a fuckin' insult! This game should've been classic! But instead, it's worthless! It's as worthless as this fuckin' LJN poster I have back here! Man, I would just piss and shit all over this fuckin' game! In fact, JUST THINKING ABOUT IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE HAVIN' AN ANAL EVACUATION! ''(Swigs some Yuengling)'' Fuck...! ''(Gets up, takes game out, and then throws it against the wall)''

=== [[w:Die Hard (video game)|Die Hard]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': Somewhere up here, there's a rope which, I don't know if it's important or not. You blow up this gym locker or whatever it is and he says, &quot;'''I'd have to be desperate to tie that on and jump off! No, thanks!'''&quot; Are you kidding me? Have you ever had a video game character talk back to you and say, &quot;No, I'm not gonna do that!&quot;? Going back to ''Mario'' again, what if Mario just said &quot;You know, I'm really not feeling up to jumping over that platform. No, thanks!&quot;? This is ridiculous. I mean, he won't climb down with a rope, but he'll jump out a window and fucking kill himself?!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So, I'm taking the stairs down, now I found some blueprint of the 5th floor. Whoa! Now we're talking about the 5th floor? &quot;Take out the main computer&quot;? I'm getting confused. So, I'm going around, trying to kill people, and Officer Carl Winslow keeps talking to me. So, I'm just walking around, waiting for whatever random stuff to happen, then the police car blows up! I'm like, &quot;What does this have to do with anything?&quot; But then Steve Urkel comes on! I'm like, &quot;What the fuck!?&quot;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': There's guys around every corner, there's guys coming out of the elevator, there's guys coming out of your ass, it's crazy!

=== [[w:Independence Day (video game)|Independence Day]] ===

:'''AVGN''': '''Oh God...''' '''Oh ''God!''''' Let me ask a question: what do you get when you take a movie, that's ASS, and you make it into a game? You get a pieceashit! Now, if you get a piece of ass, that's... a good thing. But if you get a pieceaSHIT, you don't want that! And this of course, is ''[[w:Independence Day (video game)|Independence Day]]'' for the [[w:PlayStation (console)|Playstation]]. I don't even wanna talk about this. It's makin' me sick. MAKIN' ME '''''SICK!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I think it's a graphic flaw. Nothing appears until it's right up in your fuckin' face! What the '''ASS''' is that all about? To describe this game's assness, all I can say is, it's ''very'' ass.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The radar doesn't do diddly dick! It's too small, it makes no fuckin' sense, and...I don't like it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The worst thing about this is that it makes me feel really guilty to be playing it! Like I should be doing something better with my time—like rolling dog turds in cement! Like, I gotta get away from this game! I gotta get out of this room! I gotta go out somewhere &amp; do something wild—like get a tattoo on my face of a goat holding up a baby snorting cocaine off its penis!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': You know, I played a lotta fuck in my day, but this game is... ''FUCK.'' The lack of music, the droning effect it has, it reminds me of somethin' very similar. Something from the past. ''Top Gun'' on the NES. ''[Top Gun music and screenshots from game accompany The Nerd's speech.]'' While I hated it and it drove me insane, I would rather play this than ''Independence Day''. In fact, just thinkin' about it is like a breath of fresh air. Makes me feel like a shitty log comin' out of a buffalo's ass and landin' in a bowl of M&amp;Ms.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Now, as always, I don't care if you agree with my opinions on games, but what I do care, you enjoy the video, you have a great 4th of July, drink some beers, but be safe, and most important - celebrate ''your'' independence ''not'' to play ''shitty fuckin' games.''

=== [[w:list of The Simpsons video games|The Simpsons]] ===
:'''AVGN''': Bringing back the horrible memories of these games can best be described like this: Imagine if you trapped a wet, smelly piece of dog shit inside an airtight container. Then, like twenty years later, you open that shit up, you take a good smell, and there you go. Welcome back.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(playing ''Bart vs. the Space Mutants'')'' It's strangely satisfying to jump on those aliens' heads. After all, don't you wish you could just go around killing aliens? Not making purple things not purple? Why not just fucking shit all over 'em and make everything brown?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I just wanted to point out that for a game titled &quot;''Bart vs. the World''&quot;, there really isn't a lot of &quot;the world&quot; in the game. No shit, right? Just Egypt, China, the North Pole, and Hollywood? Pretty fucking educational, right? When I was eleven years old, my whole world was video games, just locked in my room playing ''Bart vs. the Space Mutants'' and all this crap. And I wasted all my time on this shit! I want it back! It ruined my life! ''(drinks beer)'' Bart's my ass and Krusty's my balls! Fuck this shit. Now I'm gonna eat my own shorts. ''(the Nerd puts his beer down, rips out his boxers with his teeth, and devours it in a ravenous manner)''

=== [[w:The Bugs Bunny Birthday Blowout|The Bugs Bunny Birthday Blowout]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''(sarcastically)'' Wow, how awesome could ''this'' be? ''Bugs Bunny's Birthday Blowout.'' Well, it was a blowout, alright. Blowout your FUCK!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Yeah, this game's really a no-brainer. ''[drinks beer]''
:''[Bugs Bunny appears in Nerd's room]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[spits out beer]'' '''''OH MY GOD! IT'S BUGS BUNNY!'''''
:'''Bugs Bunny''':  Nyah... ''[eats carrot]'' What’s up, Doc?
:'''The Nerd''': ''[walks up to Bugs]'' I can't believe it! In my own house! Bugs Bunny! '''''BUGS FUCKIN' BUNNY!''''' ''[punches Bugs in the stomach and in the face]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': This game is garbage!
:'''Bugs Bunny''': Nyaaaah-
:'''The Nerd''': ''[grabs Bugs by the ears and pounds his head on the floor; the commas that follow mark the head pounding]'' '''''I'D RATHER PUT MY BALLS IN A CROCODILE'S MOUTH, WHILE SHOVING MY HEAD UP A UNICORN'S ASSHOLE!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Bugs Bunny:''' Nyah, what's up, fuck-cock vagina fuck-fuck?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Bugs Bunny:''' Nyah, ain't I a fockin' stinker, motherfucker?!
:'''The Nerd''': Ain't you a godfuckingdamn fockin' pieceashit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[after finding out Bugs' friends were pulling pranks on him]'' I'LL SHOW ''YOU'' SOME FUNNY TRICKS! ''[headbutts Bugs and starts punching him]''
:'''Bugs''': ''[while being pummeled]'' Nyyyyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaah, what's up, '''''COCK?!'''''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[kicks him in the face]'' I'll show you what's up, you fuckin' bunny piece of fuck!

&lt;hr width= &quot;50%&gt;

:'''The Nerd''': ''[While punching Bugs Bunny]'' '''BUGS BUNNY'S BIRTHDAY BLOWOUT? WELL HOW BOUT' BUGS BUNNY'S BIRTHDAY BEATING!''' 
:'''The Nerd''': ''[after pummeling Bugs to the ground]'' Ya wanna Shoruyken?!! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': You want some shit? ''[drops his pants]'' '''''BOMBS AWAY, BUGS BITCH!''''' ''[diarrhea falls through a fake fuck]''
:'''Bugs''': Nyyyyaaah, ''[diarrhea pours onto his face]'' '''''oh shit! OH SHIT!''''' Nyah!
:'''The Nerd''': Ugh, man! ''[takes off fake ass]'' Don't worry, folks. It's not real. ''[Merrie Melodies spoof theme starts playing and Bugs is shown in distress]'' ''[while giving middle finger]'' '''Fuck you, Bugs Bunny!''' ''[gives middle finger through fake fuckhole]'' '''''FUCK YOU, BUGS BUNNY!''''' ''[tosses fake ass]'' There you go. Got your ass handed to you. ''[iris out, then cut to a drum, which the Nerd pops out of in a similar fashion to Porky Pig]'' Ah-duh, ah-duh, duh, that's all, fucks! ''[raises middle finger]''

=== Atari Porn ===

:'''​The Nerd:''' (''playing'' Custer's Revenge) All ya do, is bang the chick, dodge the spears. Bang the chick, dodge the spears. Y'know, ya gotta give this guy credit; he's under attack and he still has the nerve to go over and screw this woman against a cactus. I ''think'' it's a cactus; with Atari, ya really can't tell. You know what bothers me? The spears don't even come down all the way; they like disappear, so it doesn't even make sense when they hit you. But over-analyzin' this game isn't even worth it. It's nothing more than a joke, it stirred up a lot of outrage when it came out in 1982, Native Americans were offended, women activists were offended, parents were offended if their kids got a hold of this, and ''I'' am offended, because this game's a fuckin' pieceashit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''​The Nerd:''' (''playing'' Beat 'Em &amp; Eat 'Em) Y'know, there's ''really'' somethin' wrong with this whole scene. You gotta be a total fuckin' whore to stand naked at the bottom of a building with your mouth wide open to catch jizz from some guy jerkin' off on top of a roof! What kinda sick bitches are these?! And what's the deal with this guy? Either he has a ''huge dick'', or he's a ''dwarf!'' I mean what the fuck kinda game is this?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''​The Nerd:''' Well, what can ya say? Atari and porn. Witches, door-to-door prostitutes, rooftop beaters, cowboy rapists... what more can ya ask for? Remember the commercials? &quot;Have you played Atari today?&quot; Well fuck yeah, I did! But you don't wanna know what I was playin'.

=== [[w:Nintendo Power|Nintendo Power]] ===

:'''AVGN''': It's time to chill out. Nah, don't worry. I'm not goin' mellow on you or anything like that. And, next time, it's gonna be a game review again. But for now, I just want to take you back to one of the most important parts of my childhood: Nintendo Power. You know, today, there's Internet. Anything you want to know about any game, you just look it up. But, back then, your only source of information was magazines, like Nintendo Power. If you had a subscription, you were the man! One of your friends would be breakin' their balls to beat some game and you'll be like, &quot;Oh, I know how to beat that game.&quot;, or, &quot;I know a code.&quot; That's because you had the power. ''Nintendo'' ''Power, motherfucker!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': One thing that used to piss me off was the NES Achievers section. It's just a buncha nerds showin' off their high scores. But, how do you prove it? You have to take a photo of your screen. And, nobody really knew how to do that. Remember, there were no digital cameras back then, so you take the picture of your screen, you have no fuckin' clue what it looks like. And, there could be, like, 20 other pictures on the roll, so, you either have to, like, waste them all or wait until it gets finished. You get your mom or dad to take it to the store to get the picture developed, it comes back, and what does it look like? It looks like fuckin' shit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': 'Member that shitty movie ''[[w:The Wizard (film)|The Wizard]]''? and that fuckin' dumbass ''[[w:Super Mario Bros. (film)|Super Mario Bros.]]'' movie? Man, I remember readin' about that and being so excited, I couldn't ''wait'' to see that movie! But it was just like waitin' for a buffalo to take a shit all over your face. ''(Raspberry)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': As Nintendo Power progressed, the ads went from being weird to just being fuckin' disgusting. Why the Hell is there a jar of toenail clippings in a video game magazine? What were they ''thinking''!? Now, here's the worst one yet. It's some old creepy bitch holdin' a log of shit. Goddamn. One ad was so gross, I stapled the page shut. I'm actually not joking. Then, this one just shows a hurl bag. Yeah, that's great. That just sums up how I feel about the whole situation. Nintendo Power! Don't open unless you've got a barf bag! ''(looks into Nintendo Power, then pretends to vomit into a bag)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': There's also a contest in every issue. Grand prizes would include a sneak showing of the ''Ninja Turtles'' movie, a chance to meet Arnold Schwarzenegger, to win [[w:Bill &amp; Ted's Excellent Adventure|Bill &amp; Ted]]phone booth, to win a ''[[w:Street Fighter II|Street Fighter II]]'' arcade machine, to dig up dinosaurs, or to be an extra in ''The Mask II. The Mask II? (sarcastically)'' Oh, ''that's'' a great prize! ''(normally)'' That movie never got fuckin' made, unless you count ''[[w:Son of the Mask|Son of Mask]]'', but that wasn't until about 10 years later! And, did they give the winner a rain check for that: to be in a movie with a computer-generated baby or any of the other sequels to Jim Carrey movies that don't have Jim Carrey?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(reading letters)'' &quot;It is quite apparent what an active and important role marketing plays in the video game industry. I have to wonder what you are thinking when marketing the Nintendo 64 to elementary school gamers. You risk alienating gamers 15 and up. You should target older gamers, because you'll also target younger ones, since the younger audience's perception of coolness often depends on what the older, teenage audience thinks is cool.&quot; I agree. And the response? &quot;Your suggestion inspired us to target more teens with our marketing, so tune in to a very special episode of ''Friends'' this week to see-&quot; Okay, here's ''my'' letter. &quot;Dear Nintendo Power editor, what the fuck is your problem?&quot;

=== [[w:Fester's Quest|Fester's Quest]] ===

:'''AVGN''': ''(As Fester)'' You were expecting, uh, maybe uh, the ''Ninja Turtles''? ''(a reference to the Nerd's review of the third ''Ninja Turtles'' movie)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(As Wednesday)'' This game better stop sucking ass, or else I'm gonna have to give it the finger. The middle finger!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(As Gomez)'' I think it's a shitload of fuck!
:'''AVGN''': ''(As Fester)'' Think you'd better shut your ass!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(As Fester)'' That's the last guy. It's over.
:'''AVGN''': ''(As Wednesday)'' That's just the first boss.
:'''AVGN''': ''(As Fester)'' That's the last guy.
:'''AVGN''': ''(As Gomez)'' It's not.
:'''AVGN''': ''(As Fester)'' I know, but let's just say that it is, because that's all I can take.

=== [[w:The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (franchise)|The Texas Chainsaw Massacre]] ===

:'''Opening Crawl''': In 1983, a shitty game based on the Texas Chainsaw Massacre was released for the Atari 2600 by Wizard Video Games. It was a tragic failure and tried to aim for the adult market. Its pixelated violence was enough to get it banned from stores or hidden behind the counter, limiting its sales to obscurity. For them, an ideal hit movie-based game would become a nightmare. But had the game been well known, nobody would have expected nor they would wished to see as much of the mad and macabre doodoo diarrhea bullshit as they were to see in that sucky ass game. Close to 25 years later, it would be discovered by one of the most frustrated gaming geeks on the internet, The Angry Video Game Nerd.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[AVGN comes to a barn where a hillbilly playing a banjo is selling old video games]''
:'''AVGN''': What have you got here?
:'''Hillbilly''': Bunch of shit.
:'''AVGN''': I see. Unfortunately this is kind of my thing. ''(Notices the Texas Chainsaw Massacre Atari 2600 cartridge)'' How much is this one right here?
:'''Hillbilly''': A hundred.
:'''AVGN''': A hundred? As in like a hundred dollars?
:'''Hillbilly''': No, shit-for-brains, a hundred centavos. Of course a hundred dollars! We are living in the US of A, ain't we?
:'''AVGN''': I - I'll take it for 50.
:'''Hillbilly''': ..It's a hundred.
:'''AVGN''': It's a piece of shit. Look at this! Look at this stock label! I mean, do you know what this is supposed to be? Can you tell me what this is?
:'''Hillbilly''': I have no idea what that is. I can tell you what it looks like: It looks like the shit stain in the bottom of my [[w:Undergarment|drawers]] right now!
:'''AVGN''': This is a shit stain on a shitty game! That perfectly just sums it all up.
:'''Hillbilly''': That, there, is a rare video game, Boy.
:'''AVGN''': Unfortunately I'm like - like flies on a piece of shit because I just can't stay away from this stuff.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': So, when the game's over, the screen goes black, like a ''Mortal Kombat'' fatality. And the girl kicks you in the butt. How violent, she kicks you in the rear. Now I can take bodies getting slashed apart with the chainsaw, but a kick in the ass? That's fucking hardcore. Fuck this game. What a piece of shit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(after being attacked by Chop Top and Leatherface)'' You've gotta believe me, there's this guy coming after me!
:'''Hillbilly''': Hey, hey! Settle down.
:'''AVGN''': I'm not kidding! I'm really not kidding. He's-
:'''Hillbilly''': Calm down, little buddy. Be cool. Be calm. Be collected... hey, what's that over there? ''(knocks the Nerd out with his banjo)'' Batter-up, bitch boy! ''(starts dragging the Nerd away. As he does so, he sings)'' Hey there, motherfuckers... Don't tell me what I should do... 'Cause they be motherfuckers...

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:'''Chop Top''': ''(while the Nerd is being tortured by being forced to play the game)'' How do you like that, Nerd? How do ya like!? How do ya like!? ''(cackles)''
:'''Hillbilly''': Playing that game like he really don't like it? Ain't that a shame. Listen to him whimper like a little girl. HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH hee hee hee! Yeah, boy. ''(the Nerd summons enough rage to free himself from his bindings and make an escape)'' Oh, shit!

=== [[w:Halloween (franchise)|Halloween]] ===
''[the Nerd hears a knock as his door, and sees two kids; one dressed as Optimus Prime and the other dressed as Swamp Thing at his door]''
:'''Optimus Prime &amp; Swamp Thing:''' Trick-or-treat!
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, oh, you want some trick-or-treat? Okay, here's some trick-or-treat for ya! ''[grabs one of the bag and defecates into it. then he hands it back to Optimus Prime &amp; Swamp Thing]''
:'''Optimus Prime &amp; Swamp Thing:''' Ewwwwww!!
:'''The Nerd''': There you go, you little fuckers! There's some chocolate for ya.
:'''Swamp Thing:''' That's not chocolate, that's poop.
:'''The Nerd''': It's not chocolate, nor is it poop. It's ''fuck!''
:'''Optimus Prime''': Hey, you dope! I want some candy!
:'''Swamp Thing''': Yeah, I want some candy!
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, yeah. ''[puts &quot;Halloween&quot; Atari 2600 game back in the box then opens door again.]'' Hey, wait! I got something for you, too! A shitty game! ''[gives it to Optimus Prime]''
:'''Optimus Prime''': What the heck is this?
:'''The Nerd''': It's an Atari game.
:'''Swamp Thing''': What the heck is an Atari, you dope?
:'''The Nerd''': Oh. Oh, you don't know what an Atari is? Oh, okay. Hang on a sec.
:'''Swamp Thing''': First you poo in my bag, then you don't give me any candy. You're a dope.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[gives Atari 2600 to Optimus Prime]'' There you go. Have fun.
:'''Optimus Prime''': Hey, you dope! I want some candy!

=== [[w:Dragon's Lair (Nintendo Entertainment System)|Dragon's Lair]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Did I just die by walking into the fuckin' door!? Yeah. Everything kills you. Literally. Everything.

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:'''AVGN''': The decisions to make in this game are similar to if... say you're standing in a pool full of piss all the way up to your neck. Then somebody comes in with a bucket full of fuck to dump on your head. Do you duck down under the piss? Or do you just stay up and take on the shit? This game is like a cruel joke that you play on your friends. It's like, &quot;Hey, you wanna play a game? Here you go, you fuckers!&quot;

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:'''AVGN''': This game is notorious among gamers as being one of the most frustrating games in existence. At some time or another, it seems everyone takes a shot at it, and after this review, I'm sure many more people will suffer over it, which is unfortunate. But to quote ''[[w:Full Metal Jacket|Full Metal Jacket]]'', &quot;It's just one big shit sandwich and we all gotta take a bite.&quot;

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:'''AVGN''': ''(upon being returned to the first screen after getting a Game Over on the second)'' Man... Man, fuck that shit. Man, you think I'm gonna put myself through that again?! I - GODDAMMIT MAN - ''(imitates shooting off four of his fingers, leaving the middle one extended upward)'' MAN, FUCK this game, man! Man - Jesus Christ, I'd rather fucking 69 a grizzly bear while shoving [[w:King Kong|King Kong]] up my ass! I'd rather fucking stand in the middle of a ring of monkeys as they pelt me to death with their own anal waste!

=== An Angry Nerd Christmas Carol Part One ===

:'''AVGN''': ''(receiving ''[[w:Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (video game)|Home Alone 2]]'' for the NES in a gift-wrapped box)'' Oh gee. Thanks for sending me this crappy game! Coal would've been nice! Or even better, a bag of poop! So thanks!

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:'''AVGN''': So, you start the game trying to escape from this hotel because they found out that you used a stolen credit card. Now you don't wanna fuck with this hotel - they'll get everybody after ya. Not even just the people who work there, but bouncing old ladies with umbrellas, mops - yeah, crazy bloodthirsty mops will try to get ya. Vacuum cleaners? Yeah, those suck you up. 

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:'''AVGN''': Here, get up the ladder! Get up the fucking ladder! There's birds fucking all over me! Get up the fucking ladder! Fuck, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK! ''(yells in anger and takes the game out of his NES)'' Merry Christmas, you filthy animal! YOU MISERABLE FUCKING CUNTING PIECE OF FUCK! ''(hurls the game off-screen and walks up to his game cabinet)'' Fucky games! All my life! Fucky fucking games! I hate fucky fucking games! And I hate fucky fucking Christmas because fucky fucking Christmas means more ''fucky fucking games!'' HUMBUG! BAH! FUCKING HUMBUG IT TO FUCKKKKKKKKK!!!

=== An Angry Nerd Christmas Carol Part Two ===

:'''Stuttering Craig as the Ghost of Christmas Past''': Greetings, Nerd! Forgive this intrusion, for it is I, the Ghost of Christmas Past!
:'''AVGN:''' ''(hits himself on the head)'' I ain't seeing this!
:'''Ghost of Christmas Past''': Why do you doubt your senses, Nerd?
:'''AVGN:''' Because, I wasn't ready to go completely insane tonight.
:'''Ghost of Christmas Past''': But you already have! Drowning in your own misery and torment!
:'''AVGN:''' ''(Extends his middle finger)'' You see this?
:'''Ghost of Christmas Past''': I ''do'' see it.
:'''AVGN:''' ...But you're not looking at it.
:'''Ghost of Christmas Past''': But I ''see'' it.
:'''AVGN:''' ...Look. Ghost. Why do you come to me?
:'''Ghost of Christmas Past''': Well, to take you back to the past!
:'''AVGN:''' To play the fucky games that suck fuck? No thanks.
:'''Ghost of Christmas Past''': This is ''your'' past, Nerd!

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:'''Handsome Tom as the Ghost of Christmas Present''': You remember the excitement?
:'''AVGN:''' Who are you?
:'''Ghost of Christmas Present''': I'm the Ghost of Christmas Present, bitch.
:'''AVGN:''' Well what do you want?
:'''Ghost of Christmas Present''': I just wanted to remind you the fond memories you had of Super Nintendo. You remember ''[[w:Super Metroid|Metroid]]''? ''[[w:The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past|Zelda]]''? ''[[w:Super Mario World|Mario]]''? You only choose to dwell on crap. You know what you're doing right now?
:'''AVGN:''' Talking to you?
:'''Ghost of Christmas Present''': No, this is all out of body. Don't you get it? Right now you're looking back at reviewing one of the worst games on the Super Nintendo. ''(AVGN looks through a nearby door to see himself reviewing a game.)''
:'''Other AVGN''': ''[[w:Shaq Fu|Shaq Fu]]''. Just the name makes people cringe. Like, you don't even wanna go there. You are so full of fuck.

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:'''Other AVGN''': The title doesn't even sound good. ''Shaq Fu''? It's like a joke. I mean just the fact that they can release a ''fighting'' game starring [[w:Shaquille O'Neal|Shaquille O'Neal]] and call it ''Shaq Fu'' pretty much proves that you can put &quot;Fu&quot; at the end of anything. How about &quot;[[w:Robin Williams|Robin Williams]] Fu&quot; or &quot;[[w:U2|U2]]Fu&quot;? I mean, who came up with this shit!? What, were they smoking crack up their fuck!?

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:'''Future AVGN''': You remember the Nintendo Wii? Yeah, that's actually what they called it. But it was very revolutionary when it first came out. But looking at it now, it's like a baby's toy. Now, I got this bullfuck fuck game called ''[[w:Far Cry Vengeance|Far Cry Vengeance]]''. Now you put the word &quot;Vengeance&quot; at the end of anything, and it's sure to suck.

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:'''AVGN''': IT'S CHRISTMAS! WHAT A GLORIOUS CHRISTMAS DAY! ''(goes back to his games cabinet cackling with euphoria)'' Look at all these games! Look at all these games! I think I'm going to play ''[[w:Super Mario World|Super Mario World]]''! Fuck yeah! This game's awesome! In fact, I should just play good games from now on. ''(after a moment, the Nerd's expression turns sour, and he turns off the game and grabs the Virtual Boy)'' Man, fuck that! Let's play some fucky ones!

=== [[w:The Legend Of Zelda|Chronologically Confused 2: The Legend of Zelda Timeline]] ===
:'''AVGN''': [[w:Shigeru Miyamoto|Shigeru Miyamoto]], the man responsible for all these great games did an interview with Nintendo Power sometime before the release of the [[w:The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time|Ocarina of Time]] and this is what he said. &quot;Ocarina of Time is the first story, then the original [[w:The Legend of Zelda (video game)|Legend Of Zelda]], then [[w:Zelda II: The Adventure of Link|Zelda II: The Adventure of Link]] and finally [[w:The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past|A Link to the Past]]. It's not very clear where [[w:The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening|Link's Awakening]] fits in. It could be anytime after Ocarina of Time.&quot; Now whoa, I'm nobody to argue. Don't get me wrong about the man himself, but how is Link to the Past the last? I had a hard time accepting that any game would take place before it, but now it's the last? Then why is it called Link to the Past? If it was meant to be the end, why wouldn't it be called Link to the Future?

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:'''AVGN''': So what right do I have to argue with Miyamoto? I don't. However, I can offer three explanations to why he says Link to the Past goes at the end. 1, He was being interviewed and he was caught on the spot, so it could've been a simple mistake. 2, Link to the Past was once a prequel, but its place in the timeline changed so his quote is somehow correct. 3, it's just a game so who gives a shit?

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:'''AVGN''': Now a second Zelda game was for the Nintendo 64 was released, [[w:The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask|Majora's Mask]]. This one was a sequel to Ocarina of Time. But wait, not a sequel to the end where adult Link defeats Ganon, No! It's a sequel to young Link after he got sent back. So now any speculation of Nintendo ever making a sequel to Zelda II is deader than shit. They can't even make a sequel that follows in consecutive order. Instead, they just keep going back and then maybe taking a small step up again and then back again. We have a sequel to the original, a prequel to the original, a sequel to the prequel, a prequel to the prequel, and a sequel of the young Link of the prequel's prequel. WHAT THE FUCK?! At this point, if you want to try to make any sense out of this whole thing then go right ahead, but not me. At this point, I really didn't give a shit.

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:'''AVGN''': What about the games on the Philips CD-I? There was ''Zelda: Wand of Gamelon'', ''Link: The Faces of Evil'', &amp; ''Zelda’s Adventure''. And hey, Princess Zelda actually plays a bigger role in those games. So why don’t you count those? Maybe because they suck diarrhea shit from an asshole fountain.

=== [[w:Rambo (video game)|Rambo]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Fuck. I gotta do ''this'' one now? Well, guess I might as well, 'cuz there's a new ''Rambo'' movie comin' out. Back in the '80s, ''[[w:Rambo|Rambo]]'' was ''the'' shit, but the NES game was just plain fuck. ''(the Nerd puts the game in the NES toploader)'' Well, it's based off ''[[w:Rambo: First Blood Part II|Rambo: First Blood Part II]]'' rather than the [[w:First Blood|first one]]. I guess making a game where you're going around killing cops... ''probably'' wasn't their best interest. 

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:'''AVGN''': When Rambo meets the girl for the second time in the game, you're given an option. Rather than conducting business, you can say: &quot;What do you think of me?&quot; The game doesn't advance until you stop asking it, so what's the point? And how cocky can Rambo be to expect a compliment? She could have said, &quot;What do I think of you? You look like a hairless gorilla and when your mouth is open, you really freak me out.&quot;

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:'''AVGN''': Why does the fuckin' password have to be so godfuckingdamn long?! Is it really necessary to have both capital and lowercase letters, as well as numbers, question marks and exclamation marks too?! If you're writing this down, you're gonna get confused. S's look like 5's, 0's look like O's, capital and lowercase letters can look identical, and lowercase L's look like 1's and uppercase I's. That's something I have '''''no''''' tolerance for. The password system should be '''''simple, straightforward, and easy to use.''''' As long as you know the password, you should be able to enter it, and '''move on.''' It doesn't need to be a '''''fucking project!''''' Fuckholes!

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:'''AVGN''': But then comes ''[[w:Rambo (2008 film)|Rambo.]]'' How do you follow ''[[w:Rambo III|Rambo III]]'' with just ''Rambo?'' That doesn't even make any sense. It's like you're going backwards. So, now if someone says, &quot;I'm watching ''Rambo,''&quot; it's like, &quot;Oh. Oh, what do you mean? Do you mean ''First Blood?'' Or do you mean ''Rambo: First Blood Part II?'' Or do you mean ''Rambo,'' the 4th movie?&quot; That's what it is, the fourth fuckin' movie! Why couldn't they have just called it ''Rambo IV?'' One, two, three, four!! ''(Pretends to have head explosion, then goes nuts and collapses on the floor while he rips a poster off the wall.)''

== Season Three ==

=== [[w:Virtual Boy|Virtual Boy]] ===
:'''The Nerd''':  Virtual reality seemed like the way of the future. Just the idea feeling like you were in the game was an awesome concept. But instead, it turned out to be the grand mother-load of shit. The first problem was it was marketed as a portable system. Yeah, portable. My ass is portable! You could barely find a comfortable way to play this big, red, ugly piece of shit at home, let alone bring it somewhere. Like, you couldn't play it in a car or something like that. And, come to think of it, you wouldn't want to play this thing in public anyway. You'd look like an asshole!
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:'''The Nerd''': [''playing'' Galactic Pinball] So, in the long run, it just makes you wish you were playing a real pinball machine instead or anything other than this. '''''I feel like I'm taking an eye exam.''''' And speaking of that, my eyes are starting to hurt already. If you play this long enough and go blind, you can really become the [[Tommy (The Who album)|Pinball Wizard]].
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:'''The Nerd''':  Well now, we saved the worst for last: It's ''[[w:Waterworld (video game)|Waterworld]]''.  Now, let's just stop for a moment and take this in, okay? ''[Breathes deeply]'' ''Waterworld''... on Virtual Boy. It's like pukin' on a pile of shit!

=== [[w:The Wizard of Oz (video game)|The Wizard of Oz]] ===

:'''The Nerd:''' But now, on with the game. Let's start off with the enemy run-down. We got bloodthirsty bluebirds, frogs, chattering teeth, pink soldiers, some weird-looking dude, flying elephants which are supposed to be monkeys, a blobby blue guy, and killer chairs. Is this ''[[w:The Wizard of Oz (1939 film)|Wizard of Oz]]'' or ''[[w:Pee-wee's Playhouse|Pee-wee's Playhouse]]''? Then, there's all these buzz saws. Kinda violent, don't you think? Everything imaginable wants you dead. Even water faucets coming out of trees. Even the hands of a clock can kill you. ''(holding an analog clock)'' Oh God, there it is! Watch out for the clock! ''(imitates getting attacked by the clock)''

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:'''The Nerd:''' Remember the scene from the movie where Dorothy kicks the shit out of a giant crow wearing a vest?

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:'''Cowardly Lion:''' With a knuck! And a ruck! And a fuck! And a f-fuck!
:'''The Nerd:''' Hey man, did you just swear?!
:'''Cowardly Lion:''' Uh, ''(laughs)'' yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, fuck you, fuck you, dick, dick, dick! ''(laughs)''
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(resumes explaining the game)'' Now, the only problem with the Lion is that after he dies only once...
:'''Cowardly Lion:''' ''(Gasps)'' Die?
:'''The Nerd:''' ...he never comes back!
:'''Cowardly Lion:''' ''(The Cowardly Lion runs out, but dies in an explosion.)'' Fuck!

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:'''The Nerd:''' SHIT! Come on!
:'''Cowardly Lion:''' ''(Chuckles)'' ''(He sees the Wicked Witch)'' Oh, is that the Witch? Is that the Witch? She's a bitch, not a witch! (Chortles)
:'''The Nerd:''' Come on, you fuckin' green bitch! Melt like diarrhea in the hot sun!
:'''Cowardly Lion:''' (Chortles) Yeah! Now, Shove her broom right up her ass! Fuck that bitch! Fuck that bitch! Fuck! Wicked Witch of the East, Wicked Witch of the West, Wicked Witch of the fuck, Wicked Witch of my ass! (Chortles and barks)

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:'''The Nerd:''' There's no shitty game like this, I'm serious. Like, it shouldn't have been made. Like, it's almost half as bad as ''Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde''. And I know it's been like 40-something reviews and I'm still talking about ''Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde''. But I'm serious, it's really almost that bad! FUCK THIS GAME, WATCH IT GO! ''(The Nerd throws the game, the same time the Cowardly Lion shits while doing a handstand making the game glued to the ceiling.)'' Daaaaaamn! You just plastered the game on my ceiling with your shit!
:''(The Lion laughs)''

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:''[Outtake]''
:'''Cowardly Lion:''' Wicked Witch of the East, Wicked Witch of the West, Wicked Witch of my balls, Wicked Witch of the fuck, Wicked Witch of my dick, Wi-- Wicked Witch of the ass. Wi-- Wicked Witch...
:''''The Nerd:''' ''[cracking up]'' Wicked Witch of the ass! ''[Laughs]''

=== Double Vision Part One ===

:'''The Nerd:''' The [[w:Intellivision|Intellivision]] came from [[w:Mattel|Mattel Electronics]]. Now, you know what else they made? The Power Glove. Now, that's a bad sign right there. But, it was a great game system for its time.

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:'''The Nerd:''' The games barely fit in the cartridge slot. It's like trying to stick your dick in a Cheerio.

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:'''The Nerd:''' Okay, we gotta move on, but let me introduce the [[w:Intellivoice|Intellivoice Voice Synthesis Module]]. What the fuck is that? Well, it makes your games talk. Yeah. Now, at the time, the idea having voices in video games was a new thing. But unfortunately, only a few games were compatible, like ''[[w:B-17 Bomber (video game)|B-17 Bomber]].''
:'''Electronic Voice:''' Mattel Electronics presents: ''(hillbilly voice)'' ''B-17 Bomber.''
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(mimics the voice)'' '''''B-17 BOMBER!'''''
:'''Electronic Hillbilly Voice:''' ''B-17 Bomber!''
:'''The Nerd:''' Alright, fuck the game. Let's try ''Bomb Squad.''
:'''Electronic Voice:''' Mattel Electronics presents: ''Bomb Squad.'' ''(Alarm buzzes)'' They'll never do it in time! The code! The code! Figure out the code!
:'''The Nerd:''' '''''What?''''' Guess I gotta defuse the bomb.
:'''Electronic Voice:''' It won't be easy! Replace this third, this fourth, this second, this first!
:'''The Nerd:''' '''''Oh, shit!''''' '''''OH, SHIT! OH, GOD! '''(Exploding)''

=== Double Vision Part Two ===

:'''The Nerd:''' ''(Also sprach Zarathustra from ''2001: A Space Odyssey'' plays in the background)'' What's that? A metamorphic stone rising from the blackness and negative Earth, a towering behemoth of monstrosity brought down by extraterrestrial powers, or a giant monolith of death, Hell-bent on the annihilation of humankind, time, and all matter? No. It's the AC adapter for a [[w:Colecovision|Colecovision]]''(The Nerd &quot;struggles&quot; to pick it up.)'' '''WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY THINKING?!''' IS THIS NECESSARY?! Look! I can't fit this Godforsaken piece of shit in the electrical outlet, unless there's nothing next to it! What a fucking hog! That's what it is; a self-indulgent glutton of a power hog.

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:'''The Nerd:''' [Campaign '84] &quot;'''You were seen putting your shoes on before you put on your pants.'''&quot; Okay, well who the hell was watching me get dressed!? If I wanna put my shoes on first, that's my own goddamn business!

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:'''The Nerd:''' But before I end it, let's take a look at the ColecoVision Expansion Module. Yeah, what gaming system is complete without some kind of peripheral? You plug it in, and now you can play Atari 2600 games. That's right, I'm playing Atari on ColecoVision, its competitor. Okay, that would ''never'' happen today. That's like if Sony said, &quot;Okay, we're gonna come out with this new expansion module for the [[w:Playstation 3|Playstation 3]]. You're gonna be able to play [[w:X-Box|X-Box]] games on it.&quot; ''There would be lawsuits up the ass!''

=== [[w:The Wizard (film)|The Wizard]] and [[w: Super Mario Bros. 3|Super Mario Bros. 3]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' Especially when you get to the last world, it can get real challenging. This part doesn't fuck around. It's like, &quot;you got to the end, you dare to play, welcome to Hell.&quot; That's what it looks like, all this fire and skulls, it looks like Hell! There's sorta like a heart shape around it. Yeah, a heart around Hell. Does that mean that this game loves Hell? This game worships the Devil! Oh, my God, of course it does! Why is there so many inverted crosses? What's the H stand for? Hell?? How about the part with the Tarot cards? The &quot;N&quot;? Necronomicon?? The &quot;P&quot; must be Possession. Or maybe Pentagram. Well, of course, the pentagram makes an appearance everywhere. It's no doubt that the seven sons of Bowser represent the Seven Deadly Sins. You kneel before Satan on the block, and after 6 seconds, you fall through. There's 6 arrows on the possession meter, and to reach the goal, you go to the 6th door. That's 666. Everywhere you look, it's the Number of the Beast. In ''The Wizard'', the game's introduction is basically the gates of Hell opening.
'''Video Armageddon Host:''' Come up here, my little beauties!!
'''Crowd:''' 6! 6! 6!
:'''The Nerd:''' Yeah, &quot;Video Armageddon!&quot; The Devil watches you through the whole game. The clouds have eyes, the hills have eyes. Heh, literally, &quot;the hills have eyes.&quot; Thanks Heaven, and we know that there's no need to thank Heaven unless there's the presence of ​Hell. There's 8 worlds. In the eighth world, there's 5 spaces you can stand on where giant hands drag you down to your doom. There's 12 tanks you gotta jump on before the goal, and it takes me 12 jumps to get Bowser to fall down the hole. The 8th letter of the alphabet is H, 5 equals E, 12 equals L, what's that spell? HELL! And what's it sound like when you play the game backwards? (footage is reversed; profanity-laced subliminal message plays) This game's a product of the fucking devil. And none of the other Mario games were like this, so I don't know why it's only this one. But in conclusion, all I can say is that, other than being the total epitome of evil, ''Super Mario Bros. 3'', it's a good game. So good, it's a ''sin''.

=== [[w:List of Nintendo Entertainment System accessories|NES Accessories]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''[Reviewing the [[w:Miracle Piano|Miracle Piano]]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt;'' Other than having standard lessons, you also get a robot game. Play the song right or the robot dies! Then there's a duck game You gotta shoot the ducks. Oh, come on! ''[begins tapping keys rapidly]'' Yeah, I'm shooting ducks with a piano!

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[reviewing the Power Pad and playing ''World Class Track Meet'' with it]'' It was meant to be a family game, but most kids I knew played it alone in their room. And that meant that if your room was upstairs, your parents would hear like all this thumping and shit. They hated it. Cats and dogs would piss and shit on it. In fact, just thinking about it... makes me feel like having an anal evacuation.

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:'''The Nerd''': Yeah. It all comes down to tapping buttons, which brings us to our next accessory. Probably the ''stupidest'' thing ever invented: The SpeedBoard. What is it? It's a piece of fucking plastic. You attach your controller, you get it? In case you don't wanna hold the controller with your hands, in case you enjoy playing on the floor, or behind a table, then this is for you. It's embarrassing. What's the point? To put the speed at your fingers? ''Why in the '''ass''' would I need '''that?''''' If I'm playing a game that involves having to tap the buttons like crazy, I'm probably gonna get a turbo controller, like the NES Max, or NES Advantage. How could they even ''sell'' such a thing? Even though it's made by [Pressman Toys,] a third party company, it was actually licensed by Nintendo. It's like covering a turd in ice cream sprinkles.
:'''The Nerd''': Next up, oh boy: the [[w:Konami|Konami]] [[w:LaserScope|LaserScope.]] Now, I just wanna go on record by saying I fuckin' love Konami, but this thing reeks of ass! It's essentially yet another form of the Zapper, but it's voice-controlled. To shoot, you say &quot;Fire!&quot;
:'''The Nerd''': '''''Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire!''''' It also has headphones, and it advertises on the box that you can use it for your Game Boy or Walkman. Just detach the scope module, yeah. Wow. Yeah, I would look &quot;so cool&quot; walking around listening to my [[w:iPod|iPod]] with this fuckin' thing on my head.
:'''The Nerd:''' It also advertises that &quot;Parents will love what they don't hear.&quot; It says, &quot;While the LaserScope surrounds the player with the sounds of exciting gameplay action, non players can listen to music, read a book, talk on the phone or have a conversation in the same room.&quot; Yeah. While you're saying, '''''&quot;Fire! Fire! Fire!&quot;,''''' it kinda defeats the purpose, right? '''''Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire!''''' Fuck! ''[game shoots]'' I didn't say &quot;Fire!&quot;, I said &quot;Fuck!&quot; Fuck! Fuck-Fire! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Ass! You can say anything. Shit! Bitch! Cunt! Fuck! Fart! ''[shifts to [[w:Duck Hunt|Duck Hunt]].]'' ''Fuck!'' Heh. Wow, I just shot down a duck by sayin' &quot;Fuck!&quot;

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:'''The Nerd''': [of the Roll &amp; Rock] I'm drinkin' Rolling Rock... ''on'' the Roll &amp; Rocker! Rolling Rock, Roll &amp; Rocker! Yeah, Rolling Rock ''on'' the Roll &amp; Rocker! ''[drinks more Rolling Rock]''

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[Playing ''[[w:Super Mario Bros.|Super Mario Bros.]]'' with the [[w:U-Force|U-Force]]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt;'' Get the mushroom, oh-- Aw, now that's assy. Yeah, I know I use the word &quot;ass&quot; a lot. I guess you can say I'm an ass-oholic.

=== [[w:Indiana Jones (franchise)|Indiana Jones Trilogy]] ===

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:'''AVGN''': If even a single pixel of your body comes in contact with any of these walls, it sends you back into the trap. But still, where do you go? You're supposed to touch this one spot on the wall which leads you to the next room. Well, after knowing that you can't touch anything else in the room, ''why the fuck'' would you even consider trying to go through the wall?! Is there ever such a thing as a ''door''?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(Reviewing ''[[w:Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (Nintendo Entertainment System)|Temple of Doom]]'' for [[w:Nintendo Entertainment System|NES]])'' What's up with Indiana Jones? He looks like a park ranger, and he walks like he just dumped ass.

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:'''AVGN''': All through the game you keep finding swords and guns and stuff but the big question is What do you do with them? The start button brings up this screen which shows your supplies. But how do you select your weapons? You try every button and nothing works. So what's the point of this screen? Nothing. It's just for shits and giggles. Oh well, we're having fun with our whip in the meantime. Then you find that your whip is pretty useless. You can use it to swing around and kill small insects but any of the regular bad guys, it only make them jitter around and grunt.
:'''Enemy''': Huh! Huh!
:'''AVGN''': Huh! It should be a dance. ''(Pretends he's whipping)'' Huh! Huh! Whip it! Huh! Huh!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(reviewing ''The Last Crusade'' on NES)'' How is Indiana Jones such a wimp that he can't set foot in water more shallow than a kiddie pool?

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:'''AVGN''': What dumbasses made this game? [[w:Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade|Should've sent it to the Marx brothers.]]

=== [[w:Star Trek games|Star Trek]] ===
:''[A Klingon ship is attacking The Nerd's house]''
:'''The Nerd''': Wha-what is it, you want Genesis? ''[The Nerd picks up a Sega Genesis]'' You can have Genesis!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[The Nerd turns off the NES Toploader, takes out the game, puts a phaser to it and is about to blast it out of existence, but he hesitates, eases off, and shakes his head.]''
:'''The Nerd''': No. I won't destroy it. Maybe the game designers did the best they could under the given circumstances. ''[to air]'' You hear? You'll have to get your entertainment someplace else. ''[a floating Metron appears in the Nerd's room.]'' You're a Metron.
:'''Metron''': ''Does my appearance surprise you, Nerd?''
:'''The Nerd''': Not really.
:'''Metron''': ''You surprise me.''
:'''The Nerd''': How?
:'''Metron''': ''By sparing the shitty game, you have demonstrated the advanced trait of mercy.''
:'''The Nerd''': ''Mercy '''this,''' motherfucker!'' ''[shoots the Metron]''

=== [[w:Superman video games|Superman]] ===

:'''AVGN''': It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's a shitty game! ''Superman'' for the [[w:Atari 2600|Atari 2600]]. I'm playing it on the [[w:Atari 7800|7800]] just for variety. But anyway, what could be said about Superman? He's one of the most famous superheros of all time. Even the word &quot;super&quot; is in his name. A word that implies excellence, outstanding quality and brilliant divine maginificence! ''(Gameplay of the Atari 2600 game is shown)'' Yeah, this sucks.

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:'''AVGN''': ''(reviewing ''[[w:Superman (Atari game)|Superman]]'' on Atari 2600)'' The whole game is based around the clock - it's all about getting the fastest time, but the only thing that'll eventually happenis you'll throw the game out the window faster than a speeding bullet!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(reviewing ''[[w:superman (Kemco game)|Superman]]'' on NES)'' You have a map screen which seems like it should be self-explanatory enough, but there's times when you have to use a subway train. &quot;'''Oops! You can't ride the subway with no pass!'''&quot; What, are you kidding me? He's ''Superman''! He needs to buy a fuckin' ticket?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': There's no reason to talk to anybody in this game. It's like in ''Castlevania II: Simon's Quest''. The whole game is full of people who tell you things that don't make any sense or have any [[relevance]] with the game. For example, this old woman tells you not to &quot;look into the Death Star, or you will die&quot;. Well, the [[w:Death Star|Death Star]] is nowhere in the game. Both of these games were released in 1988. Now that must have been the year of people talking and not making sense in video games. ''(talks to an NPC in ''Superman'')'' '''&quot;Haven't you seen the movie, Superman?&quot;''' Yeah, I did, actually! It's nothing like this ''garbage''!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(discussing the stage intermission screen resembling a [[w:Daily Planet|Daily Planet]] newspaper)'' What? &quot;'''Daily Planets'''&quot;? Isn't it just the Daily Planet? I don't know, I've had enough of this. Wait a minute. &quot;'''Stock Market Panic! Stock prices fall!'''&quot;? What, are we talking about ''stocks'' now? &quot;'''Find out why stock prices have fallen'''&quot;. &quot;'''You'll learn about stocks at the stock market.'''&quot; Okay, that's the goal here? To go to the ''stock market''? Oh my god. Do you remember being a kid? Do you remember playing Nintendo? What kind of things were you interested in? Comic books? Video games? Uhhm... the ''stock market''? Yeah, do you think any kid playing this game gives a shit about the fucking stock market?! Just, just, w-wh-''why''? W-wh-why make a game that has anything to do with stocks or taxes or politics? You just don't do that! It's like &quot;What were they thinking!?&quot; Stocks?! I just can't... I just... puh-''(raspberry)''. Augh, God. I just... what a shitload of fuck. That's enough for me. This game is just so awful that it can't be explained. I can review it for another hour and it won't make a difference. It's an unreviewable game. Can not be done justice! If you want to play it and see for yourself, I dare you. But just one warning: You will not be happy. Oh wait, this guy here just gave me a password? What's that for? Like if I want to continue here where I left off? Well, that's completely useless. There's no way I would ever need this password and you wanna know why? Because I'm never fucking playing this game again in my life! ''(Tosses the game out the window)''

=== [[w:Superman 64|Superman 64]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Okay, the wait is finally over. This is the review that everybody wants to see. Here it is, ''Superman''... on [[w:Commodore 64|Commodore 64]].

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:'''AVGN''': Remember those early CD based consoles like the PlayStation and you'd always have to wait for everything to load? Well, it's nothing like that; this thing actually takes 2 minutes and 7 seconds. Yeah, I timed it. Then the title screen starts up with the music, and you're like, ''&quot;WOW!&quot;'' But wait, what the hell's this? Type in the character that appears in &quot;column: 09 row:10&quot;? Oh, come on! I gotta get the code card. Yeah, the code card. Match up the damn numbers and there you go, it's 5. 'WHY DO I GOTTA DO THAT!? So you pick your difficulty, and guess what? It's gotta load again! Fifty-four seconds this time. Not long, but seems like an eternity. So anyway, you get this comic book storyline thing, and then- ''[the &quot;NOW LOADING&quot; screen appears yet again]'' You son-of-a-bitch! Probably two weeks later when you finally start playing the game, you'll be surprised that the graphics are quite decent and the gameplay is self-explanatory. You just fly around and shoot stuff. You don't have to be Clark Kent and find subway passes or any bullshit like that, so it's actually better than the Nintendo version. But that's not sayin' much. That's like sayin' the shit that I took last night was better than the shit I took the day before.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''[holds up Superman 64 cartridge]'' Aw, come on, you really wanna make me play this? Well, I'm gonna do it just for you, 'cause I like ya a lot. Now don't take that too serious.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': First, you're greeted by a smiling cartoon fox. &quot;''Tittus''&quot;? What the fuck is that?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Looks like Superman's strokin' his super dick.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(after finishing the car-carrying stage 4)'' So I get to the goal, and guess what's next? Seriously, I want you to just take a guess what comes after this. More rings. Yeah. What kind of game is this!? Is this some sort of ''insanity test''?! Well, I'm done. I'm sorry, but that's all I can do. This game doesn't even ''qualify'' as shit! It's like the equivalent of ''shit'' takin' a shit! This is unspeakably, ''shockingly'' bad. It's sickeningly '''loathsome!''' '''It's a fuckin' suffering to the mind'''! It's a bunch of fuck and it doesn't belong on this planet! Somebody's gotta take care of it! This is a job for the fuckin' Nerd! ''[a rock version of [[w:Superman March|Superman Theme]] plays as the Nerd unbuttons his shirt to reveal a blue Superman shirt. Flies up to the sun and tosses the game into it.]''

=== [[w:List of Batman computer and video games|Batman Part One]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''[dressed up as Batman]'' All right, ''[takes off his glasses]'' let's dig in to a big pile of bat shit. As you can see, I'm all ready, because, ''[puts on Bat-Mask]'' in order to play bad Batman games, and do 'em justice... ''[puts glasses back on]'' ''[Batman voice]'' ...you gotta be Batman.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Batnerd''': ''[Batman: The Caped Crusader]'' There's also this annoying menu screen that keeps popping up. It took me a while to figure out that I activate this thing by pressing Down and the button.
:'''Batnerd''': So I get to this menu by total accident, and I don't know what to do here. What ''is'' all this shit? &quot;Restart game&quot;? Who the fuck's talkin' about restarting? ''[tries to type &quot;N&quot;, but the keyboard doesn't respond]''  Oh, the keypad's busted. Oh, that's great. Yeah, and that's another thing about the Commodore: It only works when it feels like it.
:'''Batnerd''': Well, anyway, the game sucks, gotta give it the Batman punishment! ''[Batman voice]'' '''''I'm Batman.''''' ''[throws the &quot;Batman: The Caped Crusader&quot; Commodore 64 disk to the ground]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Batnerd''': Next up, ''[[w:Batman Forever (video game)|Batman Forever]]'' for the Super Nintendo. Now we're in deep shit, because this game is triceratops testicles.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Batnerd''': Fuck! Shit! Get up there! This is fuckin' '''''BULLSHIT!''''' You'd think to shoot up you just press up, but ''no,'' it '''''jumps!''''' Sometimes I get it to work by '''''pure luck''''' until I found out that, okay, '''''this''''' is how it works: To shoot up, you press '''select''' and '''up''' in a '''''very specific way.''''' You have to press select ''slightly before'' you press jump. If you do it correctly, it shoots the grappling hook straight up in the air. But if you press them both at the same time, you just jump! '''THAT'S A ''GOOD'' REASON WHY THE ''JUMP'' BUTTON SHOULD ''NOT BE UP!!'' WHY CAN'T IT BE ONE OF THE FUCKIN' ''BUTTONS?! HAVIN' THE FUCKIN' UP BUTTON JUMP IS FUCKIN' FUCKED UP!!!''''' If '''''this''''' ''[up on the d-pad]'' aimed your grappling hook and '''''THIS''''' ''[B button]'' jumped, '''''THEN IT WOULD BE FINE! BUT, NO! THEY GOTTA BE THE SAME BUTTON!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Batnerd''': I'd rather have a diarrhea dog take '''''LAVA DUMP''''' all over the screen!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[the Batnerd is in shock over the bad controls of the game]''
:'''Batnerd''': '''WH- THIS IS ''FUCKED'' BEYOND BELIEF!!!''' It's like, the controls in this game are like something you do for a cheat code, '''''not a basic move that you HAVE TO DO in order to play the game!''''' '''Why'd they program it in such an ''asinine, ball-brained, cockamamie, RIDICULOUS FASHION?!''''' It's like, geez, there's four buttons right in the front of the controller! '''LIKE, THAT'S ''NOT ENOUGH'' TO WORK WITH?!''' Instead, they have to, like, program it, like, all into, like, weird, kinda, crazy button combinations and shit?! It's like, what were they thinking?! It's like, '''''up''''' is jump?! '''''Select''''' for the grappling hook?! Select shouldn't even be part of the game, select should be like for the ''menus,'' or something. '''I mean, jeez, like, were they tryin' to just ruin this game? Just flat out, just ''fuck it up?!''''' Well, they did! Batman Forever, '''it ''sucked'' back then, and it ''sucks'' forever!'''
:'''Batnerd''': ''[Batman voice]'' '''I'm Batmaaaaan.''' ''[throws &quot;Batman Forever&quot; to the floor]''
:'''Batnerd''': ''[Batman voice]'' That's it, that's all the shitty Batman games I can take. The review's over.
:''[Joker laughs insanely in the background and appears from behind the couch]''
:'''Joker''': Batman! Batman, you wanna play a '''''really shitty''''' Nintendo game, Batman? Well, how 'bout, ''Return of the Joker'' on the Nintendo Entertainment System, Batman?
:'''Batnerd''': ''[normal voice]'' Yeah, but, I'm not really Batman, though.
:'''Joker''': You're not Batman?! Batman, you're Batman, I'm Batman! ''[laughs insanely]'' Come on, Batman, let's play! Come o- ''[Batnerd punches him in the face and picks him up]''
:'''Batnerd''': I'm not playin' anymore shitty Batman games!
:'''Joker''': ''[chortles]'' Yes, you are! ''[water squirts out of the Joker's flower into the Batnerd's face]'' ''[laughs insanely]'' Ooh, Batman, let me give you a hand! ''[The Batnerd grabs the Joker's hand, and gets electrocuted by a joy buzzer while the Joker laughs and puts &quot;Return of the Joker&quot; into the NES Top Loader and the caption &quot;TO BE CONTINUED...&quot; appears on the screen]''
:'''Batnerd''': ''[narrating]'' Will the Batnerd escape the Joker? What bad games does he have up his sleeve? Tune in next episode, same bat time, same bat channel!

=== [[w:List of Batman computer and video games|Batman Part Two]] ===

:'''Batnerd''': Look at this pandemonium! There's a fucking ceiling waiting to come down and kill me, there's a guy throwing an oil drum, if I try to get out of the way I get hit by these rotating blades and shit. I take the guy down, and then I try to set off the ceiling trap, and... I'm dead.
:''[Joker laughs crazily at Batnerd's misfortune]''
:'''Batnerd''': Shut up!
:'''Joker''': [briefly angry] Fuck you, motherfucker! ''[laughs resumes laughing]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Batnerd''': ''[playing &quot;Batman: Return of the Joker&quot; on Game Boy]'' The controls are like trying to get a horse to wipe its ass on an eagle.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Batnerd''': I swear that these games were programmed by [[w:The Joker|the Joker.]]

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Batnerd''': ''[playing ''Batman: Revenge of the Joker'' on Sega Genesis]'' What's with the gargoyle statues? You shoot them and get nothing. What's the point? And why does it hurt you to touch them? '''''BATMAN CAN'T EVEN TOUCH A FUCKING STATUE?!'''''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Batnerd''': '''''OKAY, SO WHAT'S WITH THIS FUCKING BULLSHIT?!''''' What, do they just die whenever they feel like it? Like is it a glitch, or is it some obscure trick that I don't know about? It's just the first level of the game! '''AGAIN! ''THE FIRST FUCKING LEVEL,'' AND I CAN'T GO ANY FURTHER!''' I've had enough of this catastrophe!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Batnerd''': ''[after subduing the Joker]'' I'm gonna shove these fucking games up your ''ass!'' ''Batman: Revenge of the Joker!'' ''[Joker screams]'' ''Batman: Return of the Joker!'' ''[Joker screams]'' ''Batman Forever!'' ''[Joker screams]'' ''Batman: Return of the Joker'' on Game Boy! ''[Joker screams again]'' And last but not least, ''Batman'' on Commodore 64! ''[Joker screams]''

=== [[w:Deadly Towers|Deadly Towers]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': This is a very special episode because I'm not gonna review the game, the fans are. Yeah. For the first time I asked the fans to recount their experiences with the game and send them to a specified email address. And as a result, this one inbox got over 6,000 messages. So, if you're one of the lucky ones, then I hope you enjoy hearing your words coming out of my mouth. But regardless, thanks for the submissions, thanks for supporting the show, this one's my little reward, to you. Enjoy.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, this must be why the attack is so slow: Our hero must pass the blades out of his cock! Hell, if broadswords shooting out of my cock was my only defense against purple inchworms &amp; bats, I’d probably let them kill me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Even the manual says, &quot;You have no confidence in this sword.&quot; What the fuck kind of advice is that? That's like saying &quot;Buddy, if you play this game, '''YOU'RE GONNA GET FUCKED UP THE ASSHOLE WITH A ''PORCUPINE!! GOOD FUCKIN' LUCK, DOUCHEBAG!&quot;''''' 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''':  You get an inventory screen. It's empty right now, but it seems pretty standard. It tells you your life and everything. It also has this thing called 'ludder'. Yeah, it says you have 50 ludder. I can only assume that that's currency, so I Googled it to check what it meant and according to an Urban Dictionary, 'ludder' means 'cheap-ass hoe'! So, therefore we're already starting out with 50 cheap-ass hoes, so we're doing alright for ourselves. I wonder what the exchange rate is for the expensive whores?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''':  Oh, and the music. The bubbly sound of ripping ass isn't even an adequate way to describe the music in this game!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''':  When they named this game ''Deadly Towers'', they weren't kidding. The last time I saw towers this deadly was when they decided the horses need more fiber in their diets! This game is so fucking hard, it's easier to lift an elephant with my ass while singing Old MacDonald!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Das Spiel ist Scheiße! Dieses Spiel fickt dich härter als das Leben! (Translation: The game is shit! This game fucks you harder than life!) Well, I gave that a try.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': This game is like a never-ending turd that bends around and goes into your mouth, thus creating an endless cycle of eating your own shit whilst taking a crap and occasionally puking up the same for all eternity!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Fuck this game! No, better yet, ''don't'' fuck this game! Don't let your friends fuck it! It's '''unfuckworthy!'''

=== [[w:Battletoads|Battletoads]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' ''Battletoads'' on Nintendo. Now, don't worry, it's a good game. It's actually one of the most memorable games in the NES library. But when it first came out, a lot of people were thinkin', &quot;What is this, a cheap ''Ninja Turtles'' knockoff, or somethin'?&quot; But, uh, it was actually pretty good-- ''[he turns to his right and notices Kyle]'' Who the fuck are you?
:'''Kyle:''' I'm your guitar guy. ''[the Nerd doesn't get it.]'' I sing your theme song... from... behind the couch.
:'''The Nerd:''' Well then, go back behind the damn '''''COUCH!''''' Geez!
:'''Kyle:''' You know, that's not the welcome I really expected.
:'''The Nerd:''' Well, look, you can't just sit here while I do the review.
:'''Kyle:''' ''[stutters]'' Why can't I do the review with you?
:'''The Nerd:''' Oh, uh-- '''''because that's not how it WORKS!''''' It's, like, I play the game, and you-- Get your ass back ''behind the'' '''FUCKIN''''  '''''COUCH!!'''''
:'''Kyle:''' ''[angrily; while fighting back his tears]'' I don't ever get to do anything; you don't even use my song that much anymore.
:'''The Nerd:''' Why are you always behind my damn couch anyway?!
:'''Kyle:''' There are no other couches to go behind!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': The intro shows 3 toads: Rash, Pimple, &amp; Zitz. Why such disgusting names? How about Herpes, Genital Warts, &amp; Gonorrhea?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Level 3 restarts]''
:'''The Nerd''': What? You ''gotta'' be fuckin' kidding me. YOU died, but we ''both'' have to restart the level!
:'''Kyle:''' Sorry.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Kyle:''' ''[singing]'' ''He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard...''
:'''The Nerd''': '''YOU BET YOUR ''ASS!!!'''''

=== [[w:Dick Tracy (video game)|Dick Tracy]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': Remember when everybody was talkin' about ''Dick Tracy?'' 1990, the Warren Beatty film comes out. Everybody went from &quot;Who's Dick Tracy?&quot; to '''''&quot;WHOA,''''' Dick Tracy's the '''''SHIT!'''''&quot; It was like a contemporary film noir; stylish with colorful comic book-style visuals and an all-star cast: Al Pacino, Dustin Hoffman, fuckin' Madonna, but it was kinda over-the-top and silly.
:'''Big Boy''': You dumb Dick.
:'''The Nerd''': It was all right, but its popularity was short-lived. I think it was just an excuse for the kids to say &quot;Dick&quot;.
:'''Flattop''': I guess that's the end of Dick.
:'''Itchy''': Yeah. 30 seconds, no more Dick! 30 seconds, no more Dick!
:'''Big Boy:''' Dumb Dick.
:'''The Nerd:''' You know, [[w:Dick Van Dyke|Dick Van Dyke]] is in the movie. ''[turns to the camera]'' You think that's enough Dicks? ''[holds up the &quot;Dick Tracy&quot; VHS to the camera]'' Like, seriously, when this movie came out, I never said &quot;Dick&quot; so much before in my life. Every kid on the block was runnin' around sayin' &quot;Dick Tracy&quot;, &quot;Dick Tracy&quot;, &quot;Dick this&quot; and &quot;Dick that&quot;! My dad said, &quot;Can't you just call him Richard Tracy?&quot; And I was like, &quot;You know... how is 'Dick' short for 'Richard'?&quot; That doesn't even make any sense. It's like Bill and William, or Jim and James. But at least Bill and Will rhyme, and Jim and James both start with a J. But Richard and Dick? Like, nobody ever says &quot;Dickard&quot;.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' So you get to 5th &amp; B, you go inside, and then the game goes to a side-scroller mode. ''[Zooms in on Dick Tracy's in-game sprite]'' What the hell's wrong with Dickard? He looks like he's got a bad suntan.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' So I go straight over to 8th &amp; J, and it's swarming with bad guys. Even going into this place with full health, it's hard to survive to the end. It's hard as Dick. 
:'''The Nerd:''' So, I get to Numbers, I arrest him, and then...I need more ''evidence?''
:''[footage of the game with Dick Tracy's superior officer scolding him by saying, &quot;You need more evidence before you can arrest someone, Tracy! What's wrong with you?&quot; Apparently, the Nerd is just appalled by this, and this is apparently James D. Rolfe's true anger.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' ''[voice cracks]'' You gotta be fuckin' kidding me! That's '''''ridiculous!''''' Like, '''''what?!''''' Like, you have to travel all around and go to five different buildings, four to get the clues, and then the last one to arrest Numbers! ''All without dying once!'' '''THAT'S WHORESHIT!''' ​And I didn't say &quot;horseshit,&quot; I said ''&quot;whorefuck&quot;.'' '''LIKE A ''WHORE'' TAKIN' A ''FUCK!''''' ''[drinks some Rolling Rock]'' You know, remember when you were a little kid, it was fuckin' Friday, you did all your homework, and you rented a game from the local video store. And this was it, this was your whole weekend; this one game. You didn't have anything else to do, so you had no choice, '''''but to keep playing THAT FIRST PART OF THE GAME OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN!'' AND IT'S LIKE, &quot;YOU KNOW WHAT?&quot; IT'S LIKE, &quot;I WANNA SEE THE REST OF THE GAME, ''YOU CAN'T JUST LET THE GAME FUCKIN' WIN LIKE THAT!&quot;''''' So, '''''THAT'S''''' why you don't give up.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' It begs the question: &quot;Are there '''any''' health power-ups?&quot; And to tell you the truth, I've heard that there is. But I haven't found any, not ''one''. I actually found a heart, yeah, a fuckin' heart, but it did absolutely nothing at all. Yeah, a fuckin' heart that did fuckin' nothing! So, where the power-ups are, I have no idea, but they're probably not in any of the main buildings. They're probably in some obscure building that you wouldn't think to go in anyway, and the roof is probably covered with snipers, which defeats the whole purpose of going there.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' I have another update: I've been informed countless times that the hearts ''are'' the power-ups. So, if the hearts are the power-ups, why don't they do anything? Well, here's how it works. You have to select the fuckin' thing. It's called a First Aid Kit. And then you use it by pressing B, right? No, it still doesn't do jack-shit. You have to hold ''down'' Select and press B at the same time. But that doesn't work either, because as soon as you press Select, it goes to the next item. The trick is that you have to select the item that comes ''before'' the First Aid, and then hold ''down'' Select, so ''now'' the First Aid should be selected, while you're still holding Select. ''Then'' you press B, and there you go! ''How the fuck'' was I supposed to know that?! Why couldn't you just push B like all the other items? 'What kind of stupid fuckin' dick-brained idiot programmed it like that?!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' '''''THIS'' IS THE REASON WHY GAME GENIE WAS INVENTED! I'VE BEEN PLAYING THIS GAME FOR ALMOST 20 ''FUCKIN' YEARS,'' AND I STILL ''CAN'T GET PAST THE FIRST STAGE!''''' So why am I still trying? I don't know, I'm just a sucker for Dick Tracy. &quot;Sucker for Dick&quot;, ''that'' didn't sound good. I'm gonna tell you right now that anybody would have given up on this game had it not been for the name. They made one of the most frustrating games of all time, they took the name &quot;Dick Tracy&quot;, and slapped it on the cover just like slapping their own greedy dick! Well, if this game is dick, then we were the '''''balls.'''''
:'''The Nerd:''' And you know, I really wanted to give it a chance, because '''''I KINDA LIKED''''' the idea of finding clues, and figuring out where to go, like it made you think like a detective. But, '''''ONE guy?! No continues?!''''' Like, seriously, give me a reason why there's no continues. '''WHY ARE THERE NO CONTINUES?! ''WHY ARE THERE NO FUCKING CONTINUES?!?''''' &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''WHYYYYYYY?!?! AAAAGH!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt; 
:''[The Nerd guzzles down some more Rolling Rock, does a [[w:Mortal Kombat (1992 video game)|Mortal Kombat]] scream into his pillow, and then has a meltdown.]'' 
:'''The Nerd:''' ''[bellowing]'' '''''FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-FUCKING-FUCKING-FUCK! FUCKING-FUCK! FUUUUUCK!''''' ''[The Nerd finishes his Rolling Rock, grabs a drill and drills through the game as the cartridge spins uncontrollably, then the screen quickly cuts black as the Nerd smashes the game with a hammer.]''

=== [[w:Dracula in popular culture|Dracula]] ===

:'''AVGN''': ''(Playing [[w:The Count (video game)|The Count]] on the [[w:Commodore VIC-20|Commodore VIC-20]], the Nerd types in &quot;Eat pillow&quot; when the game text asks him what he wants to do. The game responds &quot;'''Yuck!'''&quot;)'' Okay, so I ate the pillow? I didn't expect that. &quot;Get up.&quot; ''(Game responds &quot;'''I'm in a bedroom. Closed window. Brass Bed. North.'''&quot;)'' Uhhh...okay. &quot;Go north.&quot; ''(Game responds &quot;'''OK. What shall I do now?'''&quot;)'' Okay, so I went north? What did that do? &quot;Go east.&quot; ''(Game responds &quot;'''OK. What shall I do now?'''&quot;)'' &quot;Go east again.&quot; ''(Game responds &quot;'''Use 1 or 2 words only!'''&quot;)'' Oh okay. I'll give you two words! &quot;Fuck you!&quot; ''(Game responds &quot;'''Don't know how to &quot;FUCK&quot; something.'''&quot; The Nerd looks on in shock, and does a facepalm)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(Playing the unreleased ''[[w:Drac's Night Out|Drac's Night Out]]'' on NES, which features [[w:Reebok Pump|Reebok Pumps]] as a power-up)'' Your only real power-ups are the Reebok Pumps. They let you run faster and jump higher. You really need to get these shoes, because without them, you get your ass handed to you. That's what I call a powerup, and that's what I call a promotion. Reebok Pumps! You ain't shit without it! Pump it up and air it out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Even though it pisses me off, I can't really complain because this game was never released. It's like somebody took a fuck and buried it and then someone else decided to dig it up. It's like &quot;What do you expect?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(Upon finding the name of television producer [[w:Fred Fuchs|Fred Fuchs]] in the credits for ''[[w:Bram Stoker's Dracula (video game)|Bram Stoker's Dracula]]'' on SNES)'' Wait, who's this? Fred Fudge - Fred Fucks?! FRED FUCKS?! Fred Fucks! Oh my God, &quot;Fred Fucks&quot;! Ohh, my God, it's Fred Fucks! (Laughs awkwardly) Fred Fucks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(Playing ''Bram Stoker's Dracula'' on Sega CD)'' I actually did manage to get to Dracula, at least in his first form, and he looks just as laughable as he did in the movie. But the most ridiculous part is when you die.
:'''Keanu Reeves:''' ''(Screams)''
:'''AVGN''': ''(Mimics scream)'' What the hell, is that clip even from the movie? I don't know, maybe it's from ''Bill &amp; Ted''.
:'''Keanu Reeves:''' ''(Screams)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%/&gt;
:'''AVGN''':  The game looks amazing for its time, but the control is what kills it. It's so awkward trying to jump. You fall through shit, and the attacks are so delayed. It's impossible to turn around and hit your enemies before they hit you, you just wish you had a whip or a sword or something, not your bare hands. All you get is this stupid little kick to kick the fuckin' rats. Yeah, that's all it is is just rats and bats. How many fucking games need to have bats? Like seriously, I know it's Dracula, but why does every game have every fucking bats?! Seriously. I! Fucking! Hate! Bats! ''(Bites and fights a bat as he throws a bat to the wall then he groans.)'' I'm sick of it all! Morning sun, VANQUISH ME!!! ''(Opens blinds as he cries out.)''

=== [[w:Frankenstein (disambiguation)|Frankenstein]] ===
:'''AVGN''': Alright, so tonight we'll do something a little different. Cause I haven't tortured myself enough with all these shitty games! So I created a monster to conduct the review for me. Behold, Franken-Nerd! I could really use another bolt of lightning! (lightning strikes and the Nerd pulls the switch) Yeah! It's alive! It's alive!

&lt;hr width&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': This is the game. [Franken-Nerd growls] ''[[w:Mary Shelley's Frankenstein (video game)|Mary Shelley's Frankenstein]]'' on Super Nintendo. Game, good.
:'''Mike Matei as Franken-Nerd''': Good.
:'''AVGN''': [chuckles] You bet your ass it's good. (The Nerd puts in the game) Here's the controller for you, hit start and knock yourself out. Have fun.

&lt;hr width&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(after shutting off Franken-Nerd, who was playing ''The Adventures of Dr. Franken'' for the Nerd up until then)'' The biggest mistake Dr. Frankenstein made. If you're gonna make a monster, you better be able to shut it down. ...But unfortunately, I can't shut off the game, for the monsters in my soul. It's my duty - (Chuckles) &quot;doody&quot; - to play it for myself and ''explain'' why this game sucks! 'Cause I created a monster, and there's no turning back.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(Playing ''[[w:Frankenstein: The Monster Returns|Frankenstein: The Monster Returns]]'' on the [[w:Nintendo Entertainment System|NES]]]'' Stage four is the final stage. Yeah they chose to keep the game as short as possible, yet as annoying as possible. This place is all fucked up. There's all these weird faces in the background. Like where are you supposed to be? Beside Satan's asshole?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': So now, just to try again I gotta type in the fucking password! It's so tedious! I mean it's not the longest password I've ever seen but it's still longer than necessary. But unlike most passwords if you move the d-pads to the sides, it doesn't move your cursor to the other side! So say your cursor's on the letter K and you need to move to J, in most games all you need to do is move your cursor left and it will show up on J. But here, you can't do that! You have to move the cursor all the way to the fucking J! A lot of effort considering J comes right before K. It's so fucked up. And, also, if you enter the password and it turns out that it's wrong, like if you messed up on one letter it erases the whole thing and you gotta type it in all over again! Why can't I just go back and fix the one letter? I really ''hate'' this password thing in general because, what's the point? You should have unlimited continues. Yeah, because the only reason you should have to put in a password is if you turn the game off and want to come back to it later. As long as you're still playing, you're gonna keep playing the same stages over and over and over again, so what's the point of sending you all the way back to the beginning? The earlier stages are the easiest, and those are the stages you end up playing the most. It's the later stages where you need the most practice! It's all about trial and error. Like imagine if in high school, you fail out of senior year. What happens? You do senior year again, right? You don't have to go back and do freshman year again! So, BOTTOM LINE, HAVE UNLIMITED CONTINUES! Goddammit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Anyway, I can't get past the vines so I'm going to cheat with Game Genie, the last resort. But check out these codes! &quot;Almost unlimited energy&quot;, &quot;Invincibility after losing first life - May cause the game to freeze&quot;, &quot;Start with no continues&quot;, &quot;Can not collect extra energy&quot;, and &quot;One hit is fatal&quot;! What kinds of codes are these!? Is there like some sick fuck who thinks the game isn't hard enough? Like somebody who wants to be tortured some more? Well, how about this? I got a code for you. How about a code that just starts you off dead? ''(Subtitle: &quot;PHUCKEWE&quot;)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': At first the code works fine but then I found out if you collect energy it takes life away. Not that you would need to collect energy, but it's kinda silly, isn't it? And, guess what, once you get to the vines, you still die! Well, that would have been nice! Why couldn't the code say Invincibility Except For The Vines? Even if you pass the vines the invinciblity goes away so you're left with your own wits to fight Frankenstein. So, fuck the Game Genie, and let me tell you when Game Genie doesn't help, you know you're fucked! ''(the Nerd throws the Game Genie.)'' So, you fight Frankenstein. His first form's pretty easy, but, then, he grows into a giant Super Frankenstein. Come on! Come on! Come on, you fucking Fuckinstein! ''(Lightning strikes the Franken-Nerd and he starts attacking the Nerd while he's fighting Super Frankenstein and a rock version of the Angry Video Game Nerd theme plays then the Nerd eventually beats Super Frankenstein)'' Yeah! ''(The NES Toploader electrocutes the TV as the TV explodes, an explosion kills the Franken-Nerd)''

=== [[w:CD-i|CD-i Part One]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Ohhhhh, boy, let’s talk about the Philips CD-i. Now, if you’re not familiar with the backstory, I’ll give you a quick little run-down. Nintendo was working in conjunction with Philips to produce a CD-based add-on for the Super NES, which never came through. Now Nintendo was also working with Sony on the same concept, and we all know what came of that: the PlayStation. (The Nerd holds up the PlayStation with both hands.) But as for Philips, they too made their own game console, however they had permission to utilize some of the Nintendo franchises. Now what came to that was a shitty Mario game, (Hotel Mario) and three shitty Zelda games: Link: The Faces of Evil, Zelda’s Adventure, and Zelda: The Wand of Gamelon. (The Nerd tries to open the awkward looking case for &quot;Wand of Gamelon.&quot;) (awkwardly) Okay. These games are ''notorious'' for their legendary ass suckage, which is hard to believe! How can there exist a bad ''Zelda'' game, let alone ''three'' of them? And on a console that's not Nintendo? Well if you haven't heard of 'em, you might think you're living under a rock, but let me tell you, it's a rock worth living under.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': But before we get to the ''Zelda'' games, let's start off with ''[[w:Hotel Mario|Hotel Mario]]''. The price on this one, I got to be honest, was zero because this one was a donation. Thanks, Casey! You might as well have sent me a turd wrapped in tinfoil.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': So, often, you find yourself having to hit up on the down arrow, and when you go down to the up arrow you press down. That's fucking confusing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The game is actually more reminiscent of arcade games from the early ‘80s like Donkey Kong and Mario Bros. And for something like that, Hotel Mario actually isn’t too bad. It is challenging, I’ll give it that, but the fact is, this was not the early ‘80s; this was 1994, and it was a next-generation console. Originally, they planned to release a sequel to [[w:Super Mario World|Super Mario World]] titled [[w:Super Mario’s Wacky Worlds|Super Mario's Wacky Worlds]], but it was cancelled, and what we got was this. (Hotel Mario) End of story. Well, all the CD-i stuff is a shit sandwich that’s too big for one mouthful. So check in for Part 2, we’re gonna look at the Zelda games.

=== [[w:CD-i|CD-i Part Two]] ===
:'''AVGN''': ''(discussing the boss battles)'' When you kill them, you get these amusing cutscenes.
:'''Hectan''': You've killed me!
:'''Zelda''': Good!
:'''AVGN''': ''(horrified face)'' &quot;Good!&quot; ''(laughs)'' &quot;You killed me!&quot; &quot;Good!&quot; ''(laughs insanely, then starts saying &quot;FUCK!&quot; in a very chicken-like voice while giving both middle fingers. Then he stops and picks up Rolling Rock)'' Gotta calm down. ''(drinks it, then resumes playing)'' Oh, man, I'm going completely insane. But I can't quit because I'm up to Ganon.
:'''Ganon''': YOU DARE BRING LIGHT TO MY LAIR!? YOU MUST DIE!
:'''AVGN''': He looks like a joke! He makes the Ganon from the cartoon series look badass!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Well, in conclusion, some might say that there are redeeming factors to this game. The music's pretty cool, and the graphics are nice and colorful. Some might call it a &quot;mixed bag.&quot; But let me tell you what kind of mixed bag. It’s a trash bag that's had a bad day. Like, say, your mom cleans out the cat litter; fresh and stale doody pebbles go right in the bottom of the bag. And then your sister throws out her used tampons, and where do they go? In the same bag. And then your brother comes home, piss-ass drunk, just upchucks, pukes right into the bag! Now, I'm not trying to be disgusting, but that is a realistic situation, and what it all comes down to, that's a nasty bag. But I'd rather take that shit out to the garbage than deal with this piece of fuck! Fuck this game, get out of my face!

=== [[w:CD-i|CD-i Part Three]] ===

:'''AVGN''': ''(Playing ''[[w:CD-i games based on The Legend of Zelda series|Link: The Faces of Evil]]'')'' And the jumping is still a big problem. Come on, why can't I get up there? ''(Link falls off platform)'' Oh, your mother! ''(Link jumps up and misses)'' Oh, you son of a bitch. Get up there! ''(Link jumps up and misses again, later falls off ledge)'' ''Ungh!'' ''(Link jumps up and misses once again)'' It's time to start droppin' some F-Bombs! ''(as literal F-Bombs fly from his mouth)'' FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The darkness is still a huge issue. Look, my lantern oil ran out, so I can't find my way back. So I'm really up Shit Creek without a paddle! And that means I'm paddling through the shit with my hands.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Talking to people is still a strange ordeal. Why do you have to shove a sword up their ass? Right up their ass.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Then you gotta wake Zelda. Come on! I'm here to rescue your royal ass. Get the hell up! Wake the fuck up! ''(swings the sword at the gong above Zelda)'' Oh, I get it.
:'''Link:''' I just saved you from Ganon! I won!
:'''AVGN''': Nothing short of poetry.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': In other Zelda games, there’s secret passageways that transport you all around the dungeon. That makes sense. But here, when you’re just walking to the next screen, and suddenly appear some place different on the map, it’s like, &quot;What the Hell happened to this game?&quot; I don't believe this! Like, [Stammers] I seriously don't believe this! ''[drinks beer]'' That's it, that's all I can take. How could they fuck up ''Zelda'' this bad!? It's not a ''Zelda'' game, I wouldn't call it that. &quot;Oh, but it is. It has Zelda in it, it has Link...&quot; Yeah, you know what, that's a pointless argument right there. That's like if your dad said, &quot;I fucked your mom.&quot; It's like: &quot;I can't argue with that!&quot; Playing these games is as worthwhile as melting a dog turd in a frying pan. Yeah, put some buffalo puke and some cat piss all over it, and you have a shit sandwich that is Zelda CD-i! This game FUCKING SUCKS! ''(hurls a game off-screen)'' FUCKING SUCKS! ''(hurls a second game off-screen)'' FUCKING SUCKS! ''(hurls a third game off-screen)'' Oh yeah, and the ''Mario'' game? That one sucks too! ''(hurls ''Hotel Mario'' off-screen)'' CD-i SUCKS!!! ''(as the screen fade to black, AVGN is heard seemingly hurling the CD-i console itself as well)''

=== Bible Games II ===

:'''AVGN''': Welcome to another sacrilegious Christmas fuck-fest! Now, two years ago, I played a bunch of Bible games. Yeah, now would you believe there's actually more of them? (He holds more Bible games) Like, who makes video games based off the Bible? Why would you do that? These games suck ass! If I was God, I'd be pissed.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(playing ''[[w:Exodus (video game)|Exodus]]'' on the NES)'' So the exit appears, you take it and then you get a bunch of Bible questions such as &quot;'''The king of Egypt told the Hebrew midwives to: Kill male babies; Kill all babies;'''&quot; &quot;Kill all babies&quot;? I'm playing an NES game that says &quot;''Kill all babies''&quot;? And you know what? That's the wrong answer, so that obviously means that's something they made up. &quot;Kill all babies&quot;!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(playing ''[[w:Sunday Funday|Sunday Funday]]'' which is a clone of Menace Beach)'' Instead of trying to rescue your girl, you're not even going to believe this when I tell you, you're trying to get to Sunday school. Yeah. Now, as much as that's the dumbest idea I've ever heard for a game, what I don't understand is why that's so difficult! Who ''are'' these raging atheists that don't want you to go to church!? It's bad enough that the entire town is trying to stop you, but what's with the flying clowns, the old ladies coming out of boxes, and animals coming out of sewer holes? What's this guy's problem? Like why does everyone want him dead? I'd say he's having quite a day. And the funny thing is, he probably gets to church and doesn't even mention it, like: &quot;Oh what did you do on this Sunday morning before church?&quot; &quot;Oh, well I flew on a balloon that I got from some clown, and then I went through the sewers and beat up a bunch of plumbers. I hopped on some frog and bounced around on a bunch of springs and shit, then I threw a bomb and blew some guy's fuckin' face off.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': All right, well that's enough with that one. It's time to wrap things up. I've got something to blow the lid off the crap barrel. Time to flick the shit switch, turn up the diarrhea dial! IT'S BIBLE GAMES ON CD-I!! Yeah! We're living on the edge! More like living on a prayer!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(playing'' Pyramid Pursuit ''on'' Moses: The Exodus'' for CD-i)'' The voices are the fuckest baloney shit you'll ever hear.
:'''Anubis statue''': ''(in monotone)'' I'm an idol worshipped by many. There's someone downstairs who worships me.
:'''AVGN''': What is it, a robot?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Alright, well I'm done. There's not really any more Bible games, or at least ones that actually qualify as games. There's one on Game Boy called The King James Bible. It's extremely rare, but all it is is literally the whole Bible on a Game Boy cartridge. So I'm gonna draw the line right there. So have a Happy Holidays and all that good shit. Merry Christmas to all, and all a good fucking night!

=== [[w:Michael Jackson's Moonwalker|Michael Jackson's Moonwalker]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' I think Dave Chappelle said it best, he made ''Thriller. [opens the vinyl record of &quot;Thriller&quot;] Thriller.''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Now, I know what we're all thinking here, but really, that's all it is. You're just rescuing the kids.
:''[He is shocked to learn that you can make Michael Jackson grab his crotch.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Why...? Why would they put that in the game?! ''How'' could they put that in the game?!

=== [[w:Milon's Secret Castle|Milon's Secret Castle]] ===
:''[Milon runs out a door, and gets hit by lightning in-game.]'' 
:'''The Nerd''': Fuck.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': I'm gonna give you a little tour. Here's the first part of the game. You could explore the whole outside of the castle, but you can't go up to the second level yet. For now, all you have is three doors and a window. The first door leads to a room that has nothing interesting. The only thing interesting here is an area with a bunch of money. But how the Hell do you get over there? It's like the game is deliberately taunting you. &quot;Hey, you want that money, don't ya? You want that money, yeah, you want that money, you want that money? Yeah, well '''fuck you''', you can't have it!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So, that's when you need... the power. ''[The Nerd puts down the controller and gets out his Nintendo Power magazine.]'' ''Nintendo Power''! It's like: &quot;You wanna know how to beat the game? Well, you gotta '''buy our magazine''', you dumb little shits!&quot; 
:'''The Nerd''': This is the ''Classified Information'' section. Usually, this is all about cheats. &quot;''Golgo 13'': Stage Select. ''Spy Hunter'': Start with all weapons. ''Wizards and Warriors'': Bypass the Wizard! ''Mario 2'': Short Cuts to Birdo. ''Milon's Secret Castle'': Getting Started?&quot; That's not a cheat! That's just how to play the fuckin' game! The basic rules of the game needed ''Nintendo Power''. ''That''... is some fuck!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''':''Milon's Secret Castle''. More like '''''Milon's SHITTY ASSHOLE'''''!

== Season Four ==

=== [[w:Atari Jaguar|Atari Jaguar Part One]] ===
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': This started a little trend I like to call the &quot;Bit Wars.&quot; Nobody ever talked about bits before that and nobody ever talked about bits since. And what are bits, anyway? Nobody knew, they're just bits! Try explaining that to your parents. &quot;Well I want a [[w:Super Nintendo|Super Nintendo]] for Christmas!&quot; &quot;Don't you already have a Nintendo?&quot; &quot;Yeah, but this one's 16 bit!&quot; &quot;What's that?&quot; &quot;...I dunno!&quot;

=== [[w:Atari Jaguar|Atari Jaguar Part Two]] ===

:'''AVGN''': ''(playing ''[[w:Attack of the Mutant Penguins|Attack of the Mutant Penguins]]'')'' This is the weirdest game I've ever played. I mean, it's not ''bad'' if you're drunk or high or something, but how did they come up with this shit? I got it. I could come up with a game like this. How about, you're a shark? And you gotta shake palm trees 'til trains fall down. And you put the trains in an apple and then turkeys come and eat the apples, and then the turkeys go up waterfalls and to get them down, you have to collect monkey butts. So you drop the monkey butts on power lines and... ''(trails off and mimes his brain exploding)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Skylar''': ''(the green face from ''[[w:Cybermorph|Cybermorph]]'' appears from behind AVGN's futon and chases him off)'' Where did ''you'' learn to fly? Where did ''you'' learn to fly? Where did ''you'' learn to fly?
:'''AVGN''': ''(shoots Skylar's image with the Super Scope)'' Where'd ''you'' learn to be an ''asshole''?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''':There's something about this that perplexes me. You have a game console, that not many people owned, so you make an add-on that requires owning the game console. What were they thinking?! It should've just been its own individual game system. Besides, the fucking thing has its own AC adapter. So, that's two. One for the Jaguar, and one for the Jaguar CD. And that's some cool looking design. It looks just like a toilet. Yeah! It's a fucking toilet! What a perfect analogy. 

&lt;hr width&quot;50$%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Well, thanks for trying. And thanks for the Pong console. Would you believe that a 30-year-old Pong console attached to a cell phone adapter would work, but a cutting-edge, snarling Jaguar doesn't? There's something wrong here. And you know what? I blew 250 bucks on this thing. So, you know what I did? Bought another one. Yeah, and guess what? It doesn't work, either! So, that's about $450 total I blew on two dead Jaguars. And these things are rare! So when the only two that I can manage to get my hands on just don't work, that leads me to believe that these things most definitely are self-aware. They don't wanna work! You can't make 'em! They just REFUSE to be reviewed! And I've never had that happen. So, the end... I gotta take a shit.

=== [[w:Metal Gear (video game)|Metal Gear]] ===
:'''AVGN''': And his full name is [[w:Solid Snake|Solid Snake]]? Might as well just be Erect Cock!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': What!? '''You son-of-a-bitch!''' The enemies respawn if you use the binoculars! You can't do anything! Was this a glitch?! Or were the game designers deliberately trying to be '''FUCKIN' ASSHOLES!!?''' Seriously! And this whole jungle scene wasn't even in the original version. Like, &quot;Hmm, let's see, what kind of stupid shit can we add? Let's take a great game and just dump an assload of diarrhea all over it.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': This game is the fucking crust between your balls. It's terrible! And yeah, I know it's a classic game, but when something's fucked up, it's fucked up. So if you wanna rip me a new asshole, that's fine. I have like 12. Yeah, I've got a [[w:Charlie Brown|Charlie Brown]] ghost ass.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': And it's not just me. [[w:Hideo Kojima|Hideo Kojima]] himself said &quot;It slurped anal grease through a warthog's dickhole.&quot; Well, he didn't say it like that, he said it wasn't faithful to his original game.

=== [[w:Magnavox Odyssey|Odyssey]] ===

:'''AVGN''': These are the games. Pretty elaborate, right? The titles are the best part. Like what are some of the games you grew up with? Maybe ''Wrecking Crew'' on the NES, or ''After Burner'' on the Sega Master System, or, how about, game number 1 on the Odyssey?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Now let's try the skiing game. All you do is move the light through the slopes, and with these controllers, it's harder than it looks. The only goal is to stay in the line and see how fast you can get to the end. It's up to the other player to keep time. Now THAT is what you would call a ''desperate'' attempt at a video game.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': This one's called &quot;Analogic&quot;. Yeah, that sounds fun: It's like the logic in your ass. It's supposed to take place in outer space. You each start on your own planet. I guess maybe Uranus and My-anus!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(talking about the name-the-United-State game)'' I also love how the instructions tell you that Alaska and Hawaii aren't really down there ''(below the 48 consecutive states)''. Hey, Nerdy Turd, did you know that Hawaii isn't really south of Texas?
:'''Nerdy Turd:''' ''(raspberry)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': So now, let's see what the Odyssey Gun looks like. ''(removes the peripheral, resembling an authentic rifle, out of its box)'' Well, the Odyssey doesn't fuck around. I mean, this is what you'd call a ''gun''. I mean look at it! It's a gun! It's a fucking rifle! I mean, they could never get away with this nowadays! You could never, ever... it ju- it just blows my mind that there could exist a video game console that has a gun like this! ''(expresses happiness)'' Let's try it out! (hooks up the Odyssey gun and fires it, accidentally shooting a hole in his TV screen)

=== [[w:List of X-Men video games|X-Men]] ===
:'''AVGN''': Anyway, with a concept like ''X-Men'', you'd expect a great game. Or at least, a fairly decent game. All the characters and powers and shit... How hard could it be? Well, we are doomed from the very start. Take a look: ''(holds up ''[[w:The Uncanny X-Men (video game)|The Uncanny X-Men]]'' for NES)'' Somebody makes an ''X-Men'' game for Nintendo, why in the love of fuck does it have to be [[w:LJN|LJN]]? You take one look at that logo, and you just know: There is no gold at the end of that rainbow, because this, my friends, is the unholy stamp of death.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': How I can be frozen with a character that's called Iceman? I'd be better off with Iceman from ''Top Gun''.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The X-Men game I remember most fondly is the [[w:X-Men (1992 video game)|arcade]] by Konami. Some versions have six players and a double panoramic screen. It was extremely monotonous, but satisfying as all Hell.
:'''Magneto''': X-Men, welcome to die!
:'''AVGN''': Welcome to die? Okay. It was a classic style beat 'em up, and one of the best in that category. Only problem: it was never released on a home console. It suffered the same fate as Konami's Simpsons game. Some might say these games would have been butchered on their home counterparts, but if you look at how well Turtles in Time fared on the Super NES, it only raises the question: &quot;Why the fuck not do the same to X-Men and Simpsons?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': When it comes to X-Men games, that's how I recommended. But the two NES versions? Stay away. Stay away as far as possible. They suck. They suck balls! This one sucks my left ball, this one sucks my right ball! WELCOME TO DIE! ''(destroys the NES games with laser beams from his eyes)''

=== [[w:Terminator video games|The Terminator]] ===
:''[Terminator-styled AVGN intro, followed by the Nerd picking up the NES &quot;Terminator&quot; cartridge. He uses Terminator vision to choose from a selection of responses: &quot;This sucks!&quot;, &quot;No way!&quot;, &quot;Oh no!&quot;, &quot;What a piece of fucking dog shit!&quot; and &quot;Go to Hell!&quot;. He settles on &quot;What a piece of fucking dog shit!&quot;]''
:'''The Nerd''': What a piece of fuckin dog shit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[He returns to NES Terminator after mining lives by attaching a wrench to the controller]'' Alright, I'm back. I'm all refreshed, ready to play some more ''Terminator'' with all new extra lives. All 6 of 'em... ''[The Nerd stops after he finds out that he still only has 6 lives]'' ''(shocked)'' 6? '''''Only 6?!'''''  OK, I gotta be honest. It's only one digit, I didn't expect more than nine. But why a random number like 6?! That means that some fucked up masochist actually programmed it that way, and made a decision, &quot;Hmm, let's see. Well, anything more than 6, that's too much.&quot; Fuckin' asshole! The only thing I can think of now, is to wait 'til you die 5 times and do it again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing the SNES game]'' After such a long sprint, you'd think that thing was maybe the boss, but no, how naïve. So you keep running this everlasting shitty marathon, shooting shit and getting shit shot at you. Eventually you come to the boss, right? It's certainly big enough to be the boss, and it certainly took long enough to get this far. I'm gonna say it's the boss. Come on, die! Die! Yeah, alright, that's it. What now? What? Are you fucking kidding me? Holy mother in fucking God shit holy mackerel gosh damn, how is it not over yet?! How long could this first level possibly go?! Unless maybe the whole game is like this! I just can't fuckin' believe it! So I died, like anybody would. Game Over. First level goes on forever. Can't beat it. End of story. The game's impossible.

=== [[w:Terminator video games|Terminator 2: Judgement Day]] ===

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''[on ''Terminator 2'' on SNES]'' All I can say is, my ''God,'' the control is ''so'' bad. It's so stiff, and you can't punch anyone when they're too close. But check out the jump. What is that good for? It's like he's a marionette, or he's being hanged by an invisible rope. ''(The Terminator hops forward awkwardly)'' Like, holy Lord, that is some fuck right there. Look at him go! Wooo, wooo, wooo! ''(chuckling)'' Oh, God. I can't see the reasoning behind it. You can't make something that funny by accident. They took somebody as badass as the Terminator, and made him into a mockery. It's a fuckin' joke! And I'm not just doin' this to be funny, it's because of how slow he walks. The only way to go any faster is to hop around like a fuckin' idiot.

=== [[w:Transformers: Convoy no Nazo|Transformers]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': Let me ask a question. What kind of format do you usually play video games on? Cartridges, CDs, cards, floppy disks... how about an audio cassette? Isn't that just a weird thought to play a game on a friggin' cassette tape? This is Transformers for the Commodore 64, the computer that is most definitely more than meets the eye.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[reviewing ''[[w:The Transformers (1986 video game)|Transformers]]'' on the Commodore 64]'' By the way, I'm at a farm with a dinosaur stepping on a space shuttle. I have no comment.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Wouldn't you think that a game based on the Transformers would have more emphasis on action rather than this strategic simulation thing? Well, guess what? There was a Transformers game that was a side-scroller. But only in Japan. Let me introduce the Nintendo Famicom. Simply put, this is the Japanese [[w:Nintendo Entertainment System|NES]]. Very different from that gray box, isn't it? This one's smaller and it's a top-loader. It has a nice dust tray. And the controller's attached to the console, which is efficient. But the wires are too short, and they're hardwired into the console, so you can never change them. The controllers are the same; Select, Start, B, A. But the second controller, instead of Select and Start, it has a microphone. Very few games utilized this. From what I understand, in The Legend of Zelda, you kill Pols Voice by making a loud noise into the mic. Of course that's only in the Japanese version, but the manual still says that Pols Voice hates loud noises, which only mystified players outside of Japan. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[reviewing &quot;Transformers: Convoy no Nazo&quot;]'' Everything's so small, so fast, and moves at such irregular patterns, hitting your mark is like trying to piss into a shot glass that's spinning on a record player that's strapped to a running cheetah's back while you're riding a unicycle on a tightrope blindfolded.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[the Nerd is fighting the boss battle against [[w:Megatron (Transformers)|Megatron]] in stage nine.]''
:'''The Nerd''': It's the end of the road, Megatron!  UUNNNHH! '''HUUAAH!''' '''''HUNNNGGHH!'''''! Come on, come on, die! Hugh! ''[defeats Megatron]'' BOOM! Yeeeaaaah!!! Now that's some intense shit right there. In conclusion, all I can say about this game--
:''[as the Nerd is talking, the level startup music plays and the stage theme begins playing again, this time for the tenth and final stage. The Nerd pauses the game in disbelief.]''
:'''The Nerd''': Stage ''ten?'' I fuckin' beat Megatron, who the hell could be next? Fuckin' &quot;stage ten&quot;, my ass! I'm guessing if Megatron's not the final boss, it's gotta be [[w:Galvatron|Galvatron]] or maybe [[w:Unicron|Unicron]] or Fuckitron, who knows. 
:''[the final boss of the game is [[w:Trypticon|Trypticon]], who is in his form that makes him strongly resemble [[w:Mechagodzilla|Mecha-Godzilla]].]''
:'''The Nerd''': Oh. It's Mecha-Godzilla. Of course. I should've known.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So now, is it any wonder why this game was never released outside of Japan? ''''''CAUSE NOBODY ELSE WANTS TO PLAY THIS FUCKIN' SHIT!''''' Well, I gotta do what I gotta do. ''[points the Zapper at the Famicom]'' One shall stand, one shall-- ''[the Famicom transforms into Optimus Prime.]'' Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa. Who are you?
:'''Optimus Prime:''' My name is Optimus Prime.
:'''The Nerd''': Well, you don't look anything like-- ''[Optimus blasts the Nerd with a laser]'' '''''Ugh!'''''
:'''Optimus Prime:''' ''[using audio from ''[[w:The Transformers: The Movie|The Transformers: The Movie]]'']'' (You, who are without mercy, now plead for it?) I thought you were made of sterner stuff.

=== [[w:Mario is Missing|Mario Is Missing]] ===

:'''AVGN''': What's this say? &quot;Koopas seem to have gotten clean away with King Kong&quot;? Are you telling me you're supposed to return [[w:King Kong|King Kong]] to the [[w:Empire State Building|Empire State Building]]? This blows my mind on '''so''' many levels. First of all, how did the Koopas capture King Kong? Second, why is New York City concerned that King Kong was stolen from the Empire State Building? Remember when the planes were tryin' to shoot him down? Isn't it pretty clear they want Kong '''''off''''' the building? Third, if this is supposed to be an educational game teaching us things that belong to New York City, '''''WHY IN THE HOLY MOTHER OF FUCK DID THEY CHOOSE A GIANT APE THAT DOESN'T EVEN EXIST?!''''' Fourth, the bag. Okay, King Kong is like, 50 feet tall or somethin'? But in this game, they made him out to be, like, 1,500 feet. How big ''is'' he exactly? Well, if bigger than the Empire State Building isn't a good enough analogy, then let's just say, '''''A LOT BIGGER THAN THAT FUCKIN' BAG!''''' And fifth, I can't grasp the concept that King Kong is in a ''Mario'' game, the same character that was a direct inspiration for Donkey Kong, who also appeared in games with the Mario character. Are we running into some kinda paradox here or what?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': There's sort of like a help desk where you're supposed to return the object or the landmark or whatever, but the lady at the window won't talk to you unless you call Yoshi to come and give ya an extra boost. Okay, so are you telling me that the reason that stupid bitch won't talk to you at first is because Luigi is too short to reach the window? For fuck's sake, he can jump higher than the shittin' thing! How stupid do they think we are?! &quot;'''Use Yoshi to reach the help desk'''&quot;. Well, how about use my greasy Italian plumber cock to whack you across the fuckin' face!?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': You know what? Educate me. '''Please''' educate me. Because, I'm goin' through sensory deprivation! I'm so fuckin' bored I'd rather go back to school than play this shit!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Educational or not, these games are '''''horrible''''' abominations of space and time that give insult to the very fabric of nature itself! In other words... they suck.

=== [[w:Plumbers Don't Wear Ties|Plumbers Don't Wear Ties]] ===

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I remember in the early '90s seeing commercials for the 3DO. It was advertised as the most advanced game system and it forced itself right into your face, like: &quot;If you don't get this thing, you're gonna get left in the dust.&quot; It even went out of its way to insult Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis, saying that those are just baby toys. Well, everybody I knew had those &quot;baby toys&quot; and nobody--I repeat, NOBODY, I have ever met owned a 3DO. Probably because its price in the US was $700. I mean, FUCK. But you better buy it, because this is the real gaming console. That was its slogan, REAL, because it's a real pieceashit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Well, the game is called &quot;Plumbers Don't Wear Ties&quot;, so I guess it makes sense. He's a plumber, and I don't see him wearing a tie. ''(The moment he says tie, John is shown wearing a tie.)'' ''What the fuck?'' You can't even trust the fuckingdamn title!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Thresher:''' You know, perhaps something can be worked out after all. ... Take your clothes off, Jane.
:'''AVGN''': Oh shit.
:'''Thresher:''' You know, we get at least 200 qualified applicants for every position here. It's those people who do that little extra thing. They're the ones who get head-I mean get ahead.
:'''AVGN''': Oh, what a bad joke. It doesn't even have any relevance now. He just told her to take off her clothes. He might as well say straight out, &quot;Suck my cock.&quot;
:'''Thresher:''' TAKE YOUR DAMN CLOTHES OFF!
:'''AVGN''': What a pervert! And what's with all the filters? ''(wrong answer sound effect plays)''
:'''Narrator''': Now see how your sick curiosity led Jane into this mess?
:'''AVGN''': Time for another decision. Either she refuses to take off her clothes, or she accepts. Now, wait a minute. The first decision says, &quot;Our heroine declines the disgusting proposal!&quot; But in the image, she seems to be taking off her clothes. While running away, but still. It doesn't make any sense. Did they swap the images by accident? So let's go with the more interesting choice. ''(Jane is now shown undressed, holding a whip and handcuffs)'' ''Damn!'' She just happened to have a whip and handcuffs?! ''(imitating Thresher)'' Wow, I'd no idea she'd actually do it! ''(Jane now has Thresher, in his underwear, on his knees in an S&amp;M position. The Nerd is utterly shocked by this scene.)'' WHAT KIND OF FUCKED-UP GAME IS THIS!!? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Now for the final choice. Either, &quot;'''I want the Hollywood ending!'''&quot; or &quot;'''Gimme something different.'''&quot; Yeah, you know what? Give me something different. Give me a different fuckin' game! ''(tosses the game away)'' This is one of the worst things I have ever seen in my life. On the box, it says, &quot;Plays like a game...but feels like a MOVIE!!!&quot; Well that's horse shit. It does not play like a game, and it ''certainly'' does not feel like a movie. It's a slideshow that verges on being softcore porn. But it isn't that either! ''(video goes into different still photos of the Nerd with filters and crazy objects inserted.)'' It's like some kind of experimental art project. If I just made a bunch of shit and put all kinds of filters on it, that would be the same as this miserable pile of fuck. It would also be the same to go take a shit on a piece of toast on top of a roof while wearing a fish mask singing I’m Too Sexy.

=== [[w:The Bugs Bunny Crazy Castle|The Bugs Bunny Crazy Castle]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': All right. That's it. I'm done with this game. I'd rather press my face against a hippopotamus' butt while it muck-spreads! That's when a hippo takes a shit; rather than allowing the shit to drop from its anus, it presses its tail against its ass crack, waving it back and forth, shredding the shit all over the place! That's as much fun as this game is, like putting a turd in a fan or a band saw. You just don't do it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Come on, I thought toons like to get beat up!
:'''Bugs Bunny:''' We do, doc. But you know what we don't like? Getting shit on the '''FUCKIN' ''FACE!!'''''

=== [[w:Super Pitfall|Super Pitfall!]] ===
:'''AVGN''': ''[At the beginning of the game, Pitfall Harry climbs down the first ladder and dies]'' Nice. Fucking beautiful. The first ladder you see drops you into a pit where you get killed by a bird or a bat, whatever it is. And even if it wasn't there, I'd fall on the spikes. So it's basically death insurance. &quot;Let's put every kind of obstacle we can possibly think of in the very beginning of the game.&quot; You know, I'm disappointed. Couldn't there have been lava on top of the spikes, with fire sharks swimming in it? Couldn't there be more spikes coming from the sides ready to close in and squash me while stabbing at the same time? How 'bout some laser cannons and upside down volcanoes? You want to be even more efficient? Why even have the ladder? Why not just start the game falling down the pit? Fuckin' assholes! [sighs] Talk about a beginner's trap. They sure nailed it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': So we're jumping around in thin air, trying to find different suits, like spades, hearts and diamonds. What purpose does this have? I found the princess... does he need to play Poker with her or something?

=== [[w:Godzilla video games|Godzilla]] ===

:'''AVGN''': ''(failing to defeat [[wikipedia:Mechagodzilla|Mechagodzilla]]]'' THAT FUCKIN' TIME LIMIT! THAT MOTHERFUCKIN'-SHIT-SUCKIN' TIME LIMIT! It's not even like there's a counter! It's like the game just pulls the plug! Like: &quot;Oh, you're gonna win? Well not anymore, ya ass-backed fecal-fucker shit-faced anus brain!&quot; The game cheats. That's it. That's all there is to it. The game fuckin' cheats.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(reviewing ''[[w:Godzilla (Game Boy)|Godzilla]]'' on Game Boy)'' How could they do this to the king of the monsters!? They might as well have Godzilla in a clown suit jumping on a pogo stick. I'm not even gonna waste my time with this shit. The best way to sum this up is to recite a very famous quote from [[w:William Shakespeare|William Shakespeare]]: &quot;Fuck it!&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': 15 years later, I'm still pissed. All I wanted was a good Godzilla game, but my childhood passed me by, and I never got it. [He drinks beer] But nowadays, there's plenty of Godzilla games: ''[[w:Godzilla: Destroy All Monsters Melee|Godzilla Destroy All Monsters Melee]]'', ''[[w:Godzilla: Save the Earth|Godzilla: Save the Earth]]'', and ''[[w:Godzilla: Unleashed|Godzilla: Unleashed]]''. This is after my time. I don't know anything about this here PlayStation 2 and Xbox shit. But I'm gonna give it a try.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(Comparing modern-day ''Godzilla'' games to the above titles)'' These games suck Baragon's sweaty ballsack! I'd rather get an electric shock from suckin' Mecha-Godzilla's mechanical wiener! These games are ''shit, drizzling'' out of the Smog Monster's rancid putrid a-hole! And then, being swallowed and barfed up by Anguirus while I lay on his spikes getting Gigan's buzzsaw up my ass, ''while Destoroyah dumps his diabolical diarrhea all over my face!'' Man, it's just a bunch of fuck, it's a pile of cunt, fuck, shit, fuck...cunt...fuck..Goddammit! I just said &quot;fuck&quot; from the bottom of my heart and I said every curse that there is. There's nothing left. So, you know what? Somebody's gotta invent a new curse word. I think I got it. This game, these fuckin' games are... ''SCUNT!!!'' Oh, yeah. It's that bad.

=== [[w:Wayne's World (video game)|Wayne's World]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' The enemies are the most cliché you could possibly think of. When would Wayne and Garth ever be fighting spiders and ninjas? Who cares, right? As long as the game says ''Wayne's World,'' kids will want it.
:'''Noah Vanderhoff:''' Kids know dick.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Every time he gets hit, he says &quot;NOT!&quot;
:'''Wayne:''' '''''NOT!'''''
:'''The Nerd:''' That doesn't make any sense. What is he saying &quot;not&quot; to? Usually, the word &quot;not&quot; follows a sarcastic statement. It's like explaining it to [[w:Borat|Borat]].
:'''Borat:''' And this suit is ''not'' black!
:'''Borat's Therapist:''' No, no, &quot;not&quot; has to be the end.
:'''Borat:''' OK, OK, this suit is black not.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Well, I can't beat the first level, so I'm done with this game!... Well, there ''is'' a code.
:'''Benjamin:''' I did not realize that. Russell, did you realize that?
:'''Russell Finley:''' No, I did not realize that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' And could you guess the boss in this level? Would you expect anything different than... a giant donut?
:'''Wayne:''' Aaaahahahahaha! Yeah! Hahaha!

=== [[w:Castlevania (video game)|Castlevania Part One]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': What in the unholy name of ass is this fuckness? ''[looks at the script and fuckness is displayed as an invalid word]'' Oh, wait, that's not a word? Well, it should be. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Hmm. &quot;'''Trans Fishers'''&quot;? That reminds me of [[w:Terence Fisher|Terence Fisher]], the director of many of the hammer horror films. That's a funny coincidence. Oh, wait. &quot;'''Vran Stoker'''&quot;? Like [[w:Bram Stoker|Bram Stoker]], the author of ''[[w:Dracula|Dracula]]''? Wha-- &quot;'''Christopher Bee'''&quot;? Is it a joke? I don't get it! Are they saying [[w:Christopher Lee|Christopher Lee]] is like a bee? ''[Bee with a face like Christopher Lee's comes buzzing by]'' No, they can't mean that. This is probably just a series of strangely coincidental typos. &quot;'''[[w:Béla Lugosi|Belo Lugosi]]'''&quot;? &quot;'''[[w:Boris Karloff|Boris Karloffice]]'''&quot;? They're just fuckin' around. &quot;'''[[w:Lon_Chaney, Jr.|Love Chaney Jr.]]'''&quot;? &quot;'''[[w:Max Schreck|Mix Schrecks]]'''&quot;? &quot;'''[[w:Glenn Strange|Green Stranger]]'''&quot;? Is this supposed to be funny? Like, just to take a celebrity's name and change it around? That's like if I took the name [[w:Steven Spielberg|Steven Spielberg]] and called him &quot;'''Steven Gielberg'''&quot;. Like, that's not funny, that's kindergarten level! No, kindergarten students don't find that funny! Aliens don't find that funny! Well, anyway, that's ''Castlevania'' for you. Good game, but holy fuck, is it hard. Now, as promised, we're gonna plow through the rest of 'em, all the old-school Castlevania games. The ones that I grew up w--
:''[the '''&quot;WHAT A HORRIBLE NIGHT TO HAVE A CURSE.&quot;''' box from ''Castlevania II: Simon's Quest'' appears in front of the Nerd, interrupting him. The box disappears a few seconds later, and a day-to-night transition in the style of the said game is shown. Then the &quot;Monster Dance Theme&quot; plays and the Nerd's room looks darker than before. The Nerd notices the cartridge of said game]''
:'''The Nerd''': Not that one. Next on our list, is ''Castlevania III,'' which in many ways is the true follow-up--
:''[&quot;Monster Dance Theme&quot; plays and cartridge is shown again]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''No.'' I already reviewed that game. So, anyway--
:''[&quot;Monster Dance Theme&quot; music plays and cartridge is shown again]''
:'''The Nerd''': No.
:''[&quot;Monster Dance Theme&quot; plays and cartridge is shown again]''
:'''The Nerd''': Stop.
:''[&quot;Monster Dance Theme&quot; plays and cartridge is shown again]''
:'''The Nerd''': Stop!
:''[&quot;Monster Dance Theme&quot; plays and cartridge is shown again]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[annoyed]'' '''''STOP!'''''
:''[&quot;Monster Dance Theme&quot; plays and cartridge is shown yet again, and the Nerd looks at ''Castlevania III,'' and then back at ''Castlevania II,'' and &quot;To Be Continued...&quot; appears.]''

=== [[w:CastleVania|CastleVania Part Two]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': It goes back to the basic style of the first game, but has two main innovations. The first thing, you often come to a fork in the road where you get to choose which path to take. The other thing is that you get to play as other characters, whom you meet along the way. There's Grant, who climbs on walls, Sypha, who has magic spells, and Alucard, who can turn into a bat, but you need enough hearts to do it. Alucard happens to be Dracula's son. The name Alucard's Dracula spelled backwards, and it came from the 1943 movie, ''Son of Dracula.''
:'''Dracula''': Announce Count Alucard.
:'''Harry Brewster''': D-R-A-C--
:'''Frank Stanley''': What are you mumbling about?
:'''Harry Brewster''': Nothing, nothing. Just a silly idea hit me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' If there's any game which puts you in a bad mood, it's ''CastleVania III.'' You know, like if you want a game that'll '''''piss you off,''''' putting this game in your Nintendo is like running open-armed out into a rainstorm of piss. You wanna go balls to the wall? Well, there's one way to put your balls to the wall, and that's to stick your dick into an electric outlet. You wanna play shit tennis with an orangutan while having your head up a '''''hyena's asshole?!''''' Well, good luck. Well, that finishes off the '''CastleVania''' trilogy, but there's more memories to be shared. 'Cause Dracula never dies, Halloween is goin' overtime, it's a ''CastleVania''-thon! ''[howls like a wolf]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[blooper]''
:'''James D. Rolfe''': This game is like playing shit tennis, with an orangutan, while havin' a hyena's head up your ass! ''[cracks a smile]'' Or ''your'' head up ''it's'' ass! And-- ''[breaks character and laughs]''

=== [[w:Castlevania|Castlevania Part Three]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' When the 1980s came to an end, the ''Castlevania'' trilogy was already edged into my mind as classic. It was the arcitype of both the action and horror genres and a masterpiece in side-scrolling gaming. Roughly at the turn of the decade came the 16-bit era. I had no idea that it could actually get better. In 1991, ''Castlevania'' made its transition to the new Super Nintendo. But this wasn't just ''Castlevania IV.'' Oh, no. This was '''''Super''' Castlevania IV'', and well worthy of that title. The graphics and sound just blew my fucking balls off. The haunting and chilling atmosphere of the old games was now like a walk through the park with the Care Bears. This time, I was ''really'' getting scared.

=== [[w:Castlevania|Castlevania Part Four]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' That's what you call ''Castlevania.'' Traditional side-scrolling action. Familiar, yet fresh. It takes place all over Europe rather than just strictly in Transylvania. You get a choice of two characters; John Morris and Eric Lecarde. I wonder what happened to the Belmonts? Who are these people? Well, supposedly, John Morris is the son of Quincy Morris from ''Dracula'', the Bram Stoker novel. (cut to him IRL) That just blew my mind! It's like now we're bringing the novel into it? So the whole canon of the games is now with the canon of the book, and... it's like taking two cannons and putting them together!

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:'''The Nerd:''' What are these, skeletons shooting lasers out their cocks?

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:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;ANALBAG&quot;, that's me.

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:'''The Nerd''' In ''Dawn of Sorrow,'' Dracula's castle emerges from a solar eclipse in Japan. I thought that Japan had enough trouble with Godzilla stomping around. Now they have Dracula, too?

=== [[w:Little Red Hood|Little Red Hood]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' You're familiar with the story, right? It goes somethin' like this. Once upon a time, there was a girl named Little Red Riding Hood. She liked to jump in the air and whistle out her vagina. She kicked at trees until Big Bird's ballsack would appear. What, that's not the story? Oh, well excuse me, 'cause this isn't ''Little Red Riding Hood''. This is ''Little '''RED''' Hood''.

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:'''The Nerd:''' The only thing you might be wondering now, is what on Earth does this have to do with the story of ''Little Red Riding Hood''? Well... I'll tell ya. '''''Absolutely fuckin' nothing.'''''

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:'''The Nerd:''' The music never changes. Every level is the same frothy sound of crackling ass!

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:'''The Nerd:''' It's just, so random... Y'know, how many times have I used the word &quot;random&quot; and &quot;appear&quot;? But that's exactly what's happening. Stuff appears, or doesn't appear, or randomly does something else. I feel like a guinea pig in an experiment where they're testing the effects of negative reinforcement. Let's see what happens if we take the key away... It's 20 years late, but whoever you are, and if you wanna know what the effect is, [[Ghostbusters|I'll tell ya the effect: IT'S FUCKIN' PISSING ME OFF!]]

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:'''The Nerd:''' But the most fucked-up level of all, is Level 8. Here, the key never appears. Just, never. It never appears. I played this stage for about an hour, before I eventually looked up an online walkthrough from someone who probably had more time to spare than me, and guess what? In this stage, the key doesn't appear, until you buy an invincibility potion and three slingshots! '''''HOW WOULD ANYBODY KNOW TO DO THAT?!''''' You go through the whole game, all of a sudden they throw you a curve ball and change the fuckin' rules!

=== [[w:Winter Games|Winter Games]] ===
:''[&quot;Dance of the Sugarplum Fairies&quot; plays in the background]''
:'''The Nerd''': It's winter. It's fucking cold. We're playing some ''Winter Games''. But anyway, let me get the greeting outta the way. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, happy... everybody! Happy holidays. And if you have a problem with &quot;Happy Holidays&quot;, then happy shut-the-fuck-up. But there ain't nothing happy about this shit.

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[horrible 8-bit background music]'' How do you like that music? Listen. ''[commenting on the music at the end of the Speed Skating event]'' Exquisite. ''[sarcastically]'' Isn't that the most beautiful, radiant sound that has ever been blessed upon your soul? Its exuberant tonality harmoniously blends the dying squeals of electronic goats with the melodic rapture of diarrhea bubbling from a coyote's crap-hole.

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing the Figure Skating event]'' I'm not even kidding, but if I were to give out an award, a big shit-dripping trophy for the worst controls ''ever'' in a video game, I think it would go to this! I mean look at it! I've never seen anything this unresponsive! I'm hitting every button combination possible! You know, all it needs to be said about ''Winter Games'' is that you push buttons. That's all it is. How's ''Winter Games?'' You ever play ''Winter Games?'' Yeah, you push buttons. That's it. Go like this! You're playing ''Winter Games!'' ''[footage of [[The Wizard]] is shown]'' You ever watch a movie where someone's pretending to play a video game, but you tell they're just acting; they're just going like this? They're playing ''Winter Games.'' Yeah. Who programmed this thing? Maybe it was Fred Fucks.

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:'''The Nerd''': '''''THIS IS A BLIZZARD OF BALLS!!! I can't believe humanity was capable of degrading itself so low as to produce such insulting catastrophe of ass!!''''' ''[reads caution label on the back of the cartridge (said caution label is only on some unlicensed NES games)]'' &quot;Do not store in extreme temperatures. Do not immerse in water. Do not clean with benzene, thinner, alcohol, or other such solvents. Do not hit or drop cartridge. Do not attempt to disassemble.&quot; ''[proceeds to do to the cartridge each of the things the caution label advises against]'' Like that? ''[places the remains of the cartridge into the crackling fireplace, where it catches fire and starts to melt]'' '''''BURN, MOTHERFUCKER, BURRRN!!! YEAAAAH!'''''

=== [[w:Street Fighter 2010|Street Fighter 2010]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Wanna play some games? Wanna play some shitty games? ...Well hang on just a second, I gotta go get my mail. ''(The Nerd steps out of his house to find it and the rest of the scenery in the scene is swarming with graphics from ''Street Fighter 2010''.)'' What the hell is all this shit!? There's metallic sea sponges everywhere! There's titanium rocket jockstraps! Headless parrots with bottle caps! Floating eyeballs entrapped in glass lids! How is this all happening? OH, ah-of course! It's the year 2010! Holy shit! This was all foreseen in the game ''Street Fighter 2010''!

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:'''AVGN''': Remember how futuristic the year 2000 seemed? My whole childhood, it seemed like every movie, every video game - it was always &quot;2000&quot;. It sounded so high-tech and so far away. But now, fuck that! It's the ten-year anniversary of the year 2000. ''(referring to ''[[w:Back to the Future Part II|Back to the Future Part II]]'s'' depiction of the year 2015)'' In five years, we're gonna have flying cars and hoverboards and self-lacing shoes... It better happen. Otherwise they should have made it the year 3000. Even if they made it 2100, we'd all be dead; it wouldn't make a difference anyway! Better to be a mystery than to be wrong!

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:'''AVGN''': Who would've thought that Street Fighter's past lied in the future, which is now the present? Let's take a look at this. I can only imagine, we're gonna be Tiger Uppercutting through space and time, we're gonna be throwing Sonic Booms on the moon, Hadoukens up Uranus! Fuck ''[[w:Street Fighter IV|Street Fighter IV]]'', this is ''Street Fighter 2010!''

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:'''AVGN''': What the hell is this poop-plastered, shit-smothered piece of fuck? And what does it have to do with ''Street Fighter''?

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:'''AVGN''': ''(commenting on the cover illustration of ''[[w:Fighting Street|Fighting Street]]'', showing [[w:Ryu_(Street_Fighter)|Ryu]] in front of [[w:Mt. Rushmore|Mt. Rushmore]])'' To be even more elusive, they changed the fucking title to ''Fighting Street''! That doesn't make any sense! But at least you get to play as classic characters such as Ryu, [[w:George Washington|George Washington]], and [[w:Abraham Lincoln|Abe Lincoln]].

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:'''AVGN''': The final boss looks like a big, blistering ball sack that swallowed Grimace. His only weak spot is the face. The ideal strategy is to climb on the wall and keep shooting, but your beam doesn't reach. Not without full powerups. You can try jumping off and shooting, but that takes too long. You don't have time. When you're plowing through the stage, you gotta stop and get all the powerups. But that wastes time too! But you gotta do it! You gotta somehow make it all happen! You can't beat one boss flawlessly but then fuck up a little on the next one. You gotta: 1) Beat all the bosses without getting hurt too much, 2) Get all the power-ups, and 3) Do it fast as shit. All in one perfect run. But once you do it, man, you're on the fucking top of the world. Yeah, boom, BOOM! [Imitates explosions as he beats the game] And that, my friends, is Street Fighter 2010. That's all I have to say. So happy new year, happy new decade... am I forgetting anything? ... Yeah. Forgot my fucking mail. [He walks then the screen zooms that says &quot;THE END.&quot;]

=== [[w:Hydlide|Hydlide]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Ugh, ''Hydlide''! Just saying the name gives you a gag reflex like you're about to puke! ''HYDLIDE''! Sounds so wretched and foul!

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:'''AVGN''': Picking up a game like this, in itself, is like embarking on an adventure. You can stick to the familiar NES classics, or you can be a brave explorer and search the unknown. You might uncover a gem, or a turd covered in vomit. And this is a turd covered in vomit.

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:'''AVGN''': There's no skill involved. You'll never know whether or not you're hitting the monster or the monster's hitting you. It's just as random as rolling the dice or [[w:American Movie|playing the lottery; sometimes you win, and sometimes you lose. But I guess it's better than using drugs or alcohol because with drugs and alcohol, especially drugs, you always lose.]]

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:'''AVGN''': Anyway, I got the Lantern. Now I'm going back to that dark cave to figure out what the fuck was killing me...I don't see anything! So that only concludes there was nothing. That's a cheat if I ever saw one. The game kills you with NOTHING!!

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:'''AVGN''': That's what you get for reaching into the dark depths of the NES library. You might as well be reaching into a dog's asshole, 'cause all you're going to find is shit.

=== [[w:Ninja Gaiden (Nintendo Entertainment System)|Ninja Gaiden]] ===
:'''Ninja:''' You are as slow as sloth taking shit! 

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:'''The Nerd''': Nunchaku-fuck!

=== [[w:Swordquest|Swordquest]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(commenting on Atari's promotion of the &quot;SwordQuest&quot; series via $150,000 worth of ornately crafted and decorated fantasy items, which players back in the day could win by playing the games, finding and deciphering in-game clues, and sending them to Atari)'' Not since the medieval times have I heard of a treasure quest of this magnitude! It gets you really excited to play the games, so that's what I call a promotion: You'd be wearing your ''SwordQuest'' T-shirt, with your comic books and posters, drinking out of your gold chalice with your crown, philosopher's stone, and sword, and not to mention your ''SwordQuest'' video gaming cartridges exclusive from Atari.

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:'''The Nerd:''' ''(playing the &quot;Earthworld&quot; installment)'' Every time you go to the next room, it sounds like an explosion. That's what's so great about Atari: Something as simple as going through a door is an event.

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:'''The Nerd:''' Now, what can that mean? Hmm... 16-4... The comic book. ''(Picks up the book and opens up the page)'' Page 16, Panel 4. I don't see anything... What-- ''[Reveals a hidden word]'' Wow. ''(He writes down the word and continues playing and finding more clues)'' There's 10 hidden words, and they're supposed to make a sentence. But five of them are bogus. The only way to figure out which are the right words is to find a subliminal hint on the first page. The words prime and number are a different color than the rest, so this means you only use the clues that are prime numbers. Lemme tell you, in 1982, people had a lot of time on their hands and a lot of creativity to figure this out. Out of 5,000 entries, only 8 gamers got the right sentence. The winner was 20-year old Steven Bell. Good work, man!

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:'''The Nerd:''' ''(playing the &quot;Fireworld&quot; installment)'' What are we doing here, hitting birds with a pole? Throwing knives? Now you're actually steering the knives into a, uh, turkey club sandwich. This part, you're like a black eagle shooting bullets at snakes! All with glorious Atari sound effects.

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:'''The Nerd:''' ''(referring to general suspicions that the remaining three un-awarded treasures of the &quot;SwordQuest&quot; contest, including the planned grand prize, a gold-and-jewel-encrusted sword, is in possession of [[w:Jack Tramiel|Jack Tramiel]], who had bought Atari after [[w:North American video game crash of 1983|the infamous video game crash of 1983]])'' Somebody's gotta find out. The '''real''' ''SwordQuest'' is the quest for that sword and the other treasures. They belong in the hands of gamers who earn them. You know, everybody who put those games in their Ataris had a chance of winning. It was something to dream about. But that dream's been thrown about the toilet. It's 30 years later, but I say the contest must go on. Finish the last game! You can't have earth, fire, and water without air! The balance of the cosmos must be restored, the true bearer of that sword ''must'' be found! The Kingdom of Nerddom depends on it!

=== [[w:Pong|Pong Consoles]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Pong. A simple word. A simple idea. It's just Pong. It was one of the first video arcades, from 1972. A simple screen mounted inside what looked like a carved tree stump. You could call this the &quot;Wooden Age&quot; of video games, when everything was made of wood, and two people playing tennis looked like two glow sticks batting a square ball back and forth. Yeah, this is before circles were invented.

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:'''AVGN''': I thought it was fun. Apparently, people thought so too back then. So that's why they made a home pong console so you can play it at home, and then, there was another one... and another one... and another one! AND ANOTHER ONE! AND ANOTHER ONE! ''AND ANOTHER ONE!'' There was like nine million fucking pong consoles!

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:'''AVGN''': This might be a good time to bring up that most of these old consoles have a connector that looks like [[wikipedia:RCA_connector|this]]. You have to plug them into a box, and screw the box into your TV. But I say get yourself one of these [an adapter], plug it into the coaxial unit on your TV, plug the game in, and tell that box to go fuck itself.

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:'''AVGN''': The Sears Super Pong Telegame. Simple enough, two little knobs for controllers, works alright, basic Pong, you got four different kinds of Pong, like... what the hell is this? &quot;Reverse Pong&quot;? Okay, now what's this, &quot;Asshole Pong&quot;? That's not fair.

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:'''AVGN''':  Well, that's Pong for ya. All these different consoles goes to show how such a simple game could become such a hot-selling franchise. I could see people thinking 30 years ago &quot;Wow. Pong. This is where it's at! It ain't gonna get any better than this!&quot; Now what's this here, this &quot;Xbox 360?&quot; Some modern game system? I don't know, maybe it has advanced graphics? Might even be in color. Let's check it out. ''[starts playing &quot;[[w:Grand Theft Auto IV|Grand Theft Auto IV]]&quot; as a rock remix of the Angry Video Game Nerd theme plays. Cut to the Nerd with an absolutely amazed expression on his face]''

== Season Five ==

=== [[w:Action 52|Action 52]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': Are you ready for some action? Some ''Action 52?'' I suppose so, because I get requests for this game all the time. Like this one right here: ''[reading a fan email]'' &quot;''Action 52.'' Fuck this game, please do a review on it. You asshole. Thanks.&quot; Wow. I guess I gotta do it now.

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:'''The Nerd''': Number 5, &quot;Ooze.&quot; Oh, wow, a title screen? Really? ''[starts the game, then sees several green pickle-shaped objects in the background]'' Oh my god, it's...it's... ''[the objects each turn into a Shit Pickle]''
:'''Shit Pickles''': Shitpickleshitpickleshitpickleshit...
:'''The Nerd''': Whoa! Ohh-
:'''Shit Pickles''': Pickle! Shi-i-i-i-i-
:'''The Nerd''': Narlalalala!
:'''Shit Pickles''': Shit pickle!
:'''The Nerd''': Alrighty, then. Well, this is the first game that uses the &quot;B&quot; button. For ''jumping''! Any gamer who grew up with ''Super Mario Bros.'' expects &quot;A&quot; to jump.

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:'''The Nerd''': ''(playing the 7th game, Crytical Bypass)'' &quot;Crytical Bypass&quot;. It's critical that you bypass this game!

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:'''The Nerd''': ''(playing the 20th game, Space Dreams, then learning that safety pins are the enemy)'' Oh, my, what's this gonna be? Why of course! Another space shooter! This time, you're a pacifier shooting at weird dolls, rabbits, and safety pins. ''Safety pins'' as enemies in a video game...Where'd they come up with this stuff?! ''[playing one of the game programmers]'' Gee, what kind of enemy could I have for this game? I have 32 games left I have to program, so I have to hurry up. ''[he picks up a safety pin where it lays on a table]'' Ahhh, safety pin! That'll be perfect! ''[he puts the safety pin down and types in his computer]'' Next game.

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing the 22nd game, Spread Fire]'' These kind of games must have been the easiest to design. Take a black background, cover it in dots, and call it space. You know what? It's getting old.

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[after playing 25 of the games]'' ...Wow. Twenty-five shitty games, and still going. This is an endurance, man. I've never played such a huge compilation of crap in my life. Was the whole idea to make ''so many shitty games'' that there'd be no more shitty games left to make!? Out of all of these, there's gotta be at least one that's...''tolerable''!

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing the 29th game]'' Uh, &quot;Slashers&quot;? I thought it'd be like a horror game. Instead it's a poor man's version of ''Double Dragon''. Saying ''that'' is being extremely generous.
:'''The Nerd''': And what are these, hookers?! I guess this guy doesn't understand the concept of a hooker. You're supposed to fuck her, not fuck her up!

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing the 31st game, Fuzz Power]'' Whoever came up with this is an ''asshole!'' ''[cuts to a fictionalized version of the episode that would be shown on public TV with profanity bleeped out]'' Whoever came up with this is an ''assh***!'' Ass! ''[pause]'' Hole? Assh***! ''[sarcastically]'' Television makes a lot of &quot;sense&quot;.

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[after playing 35 of the 52 games]'' I've lost all hope. 52 games, they all probably suck. I can think of some pretty bad games. Like ''Little Red Hood.'' That's a ''horrible'' game. But at least it's ''one'' horrible game! Not ''52!'' You know what's more fun than ''Action 52?'' 52 Card Pickup. You know how you play that? ''[drops a deck of 52 playing cards on the floor]'' Pick up the cards!

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:'''The Nerd''': Number 36, &quot;Storm over the Desert.&quot; Ooh, another title screen! So, you're an army tank, shooting at other army tanks... which happen to be pink. Also, there's no way to die. Anything you touch will explode. Those pink tanks are fuckin' pussies. ''[a giant [[w:Saddam Hussein|Saddam Hussein]] runs across the screen]'' What the hell?! A giant Saddam Hussein? How'd they fuck up the scale this bad? The soldiers aren't giant, so why's Saddam?

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing the 48th game, Time Warp Tickers]'' You're a pair of fingers in checkerboard-land with upside-down doors. What kind of drugs were they on? Was this game even made by a human being? ''&quot;Time?&quot;''? When you kill things, it says ''&quot;Time?&quot;''? What does that mean? Time to play another fuckin' game?

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[after playing 51 of the 52 games]'' '''''I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY SOLD THIS SHITFEST FOR $199!''''' That's about how much it costs for a video game ''console'', pretty much. You can take $199, stand on a bridge and just throw it all away! You'd rather do ''anything'' than spend it on a broken-down dysfunctional disaster of video game programming! With games that crash, hideous jumping control, random characters, microscopic sprites, a marathon of mediocre space shooters, dying in midair, problems with proportion, misleading titles, misleading power-ups, embarrassing weapons, seizure-inducing backgrounds, lack of enemies, games you can't win, games you can't lose, games that make no sense whatsoever, shitty graphics, shitty music, shitty menus, and a fuck-ton of other things! It should've been ''illegal'' for them to sell this rotten shitload of putrid fuck for any price! I feel humiliated to live on the same planet as someone who designed an electronic abomination of this magnitude! Couldn't they have tried making one ''good'' game, as opposed to 52 ''horrible'' games? Quality over quantity. That's our lesson here. ''[drinks Rolling Rock]'' Well, there's only one game left so it has one last chance to redeem itself. Could this all be the effort went into? Could there be a cherry on top of the shit sundae? We can only hope. ''[begins playing the 52nd game as the credits roll]''

=== [[w:Action 52|Cheetahmen]] ===

:'''AVGN''': They must have put all their focus into this one game, so this one's gotta be good...right? ''(shot of the gameplay from ''Cheetahmen''; the player sprite touches the edge of a pool of water with the top of his head, and instantly dies)'' IT SUCKS - MONKEY - BUTTS - LIKE ALL - THE FUCKIN' - REST!!! ''(drinks Rolling Rock)'' Okay. Let's go.

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:'''AVGN''': ''(playing ''Cheetahmen'' on the Action 52 cartridge, jumping over the giant [[w:Saddam Hussein|Saddam Hussein]] from Storm Over the Desert)'' Dude, think about it: A giant cheetah jumping over Saddam Hussein, whoa! I never thought I'd see that.

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:'''AVGN''': ''(discussing Cheetahmen II)'' I suppose this is the end of Action 52, but!  They made... a Cheetahmen... sequel.  Oh, yeah!  You know how with a bad game, sometimes you wonder how it even made it into stores?  Well, this is a case in which the horror was so unspeakable, the game was never released.  ''(shows stills from the ending of Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark and plays ominous music from the film)''  The cartridges were stored in a warehouse where they remained for years to come.  It was never meant to be played.  Then, in the late 90's, the cartridges were discovered, and became valuable collector's items. ''(stops playing music and showing stills)''  That's a true story.  Except that the real story was probably a little less dramatic than that.  Only 1500 of these games are known to exist and they command ''outrageous'' prices on eBay. I don't know if I should consider myself lucky or...not, but...here it is. (the Nerd reveals the game cartridge in his hand) The unholy grail of gaming. Would you believe that this game is so bad it doesn't even get its own cartridge? They recycled the same plastic casing from Action 52, and put a Cheetahmen II sticker on the back. ''(The cartridge's sticker actually reads &quot;Cheetamen&quot; instead of &quot;Cheetahmen II&quot;.)'' 

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:'''AVGN''': ''(after defeating the boss in ''Cheetahmen II'', but the game fails to start the next level)'' Well, I beat the game. At least I got as far as I can possibly go before it fucks out! Well, this is where I'd end things... ''(drinks Rolling Rock)'' ...but, there's yet another ''Cheetahmen'' game. ''(produces a copy of the Sega Genesis port of ''Action 52'')'' Yeah. ''Action 52'' on the Genesis. They just couldn't leave it alone, could they?

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:'''AVGN''': ''(talking about SKATER from the Genesis ''Action 52'')'' You're some kid on roller skates jumping fifty feet in the air, of course. And most of the obstacles are dead cats! At least, I'm pretty sure they're dead. Why else would a cat be laying in the road? Tell me. If you're programming a video game and you have a choice of all the things that could be on the road like mufflers, puddles of oil, traffic cones, hubcaps, fallen trash cans, open manholes, of all the things you can put there, why does your imagination go straight to ''dead cats!?''

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:'''AVGN''': ''(after playing ''Cheetahmen'' from the Genesis ''Action 52'')'' I don't believe it. I just can't believe it that - this is even ''less'' playable than the NES version! You think by now, they'd come back down to Earth and un-''fuck'' themselves! But you know what the really good news is? I'm done with ''Action 52''! ''(puts on a party hat and blows on a party horn while fireworks go off)''

=== Game Glitches ===

:'''AVGN''': Don't you just hate it when that happens? You'll be playin' a game, and then all of a sudden, it starts glitching up! ''(inserts Metal Gear into his Nintoaster)'' Oh, come on. Metal Gear's fuckin' up now? You blow the game, jiggle it around, use different consoles, but it still doesn't work. You know, when this happens, that means that there's something inside your game. Something that wants to reduce the graphics into a pixelated mishmash of garbage. You're dealing with...a Game Graphic Glitch Gremlin.
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' [Cackling] Good day to you, Nerd, how are you? Good day, sir! As you know, I am the Glitch Gremlin! And, I've got glitches in me britches for ya, Nerd! I've got ''(gibberish)''.
:'''AVGN''': I'm gonna lay the fuck smack on you! You think I can't still play?

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:''[ [[w:Mike Tyson|Mike Tyson]]'s portrait from ''[[w:Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!|Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!]]'' is displayed, but the entire graphical display glitches up, eliciting a shocked reaction from the Nerd]''
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' And here we have ''Punch-Out!!'' with &quot;Iron Mike&quot; Tyson. I just ironed out his face! How do you like that? We'll call him Shit-Fuck-Face Mike Tyson!
:'''AVGN''': You little fuck-nugget, get out of my game!

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:'''AVGN''': ''[After describing his victory over the boss Big Pets in [[w:Mega Man 5|Mega Man 5]] while having been hindered by a glitch]'' And ''that'' was a great moment in Nerd history.
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' That's not possible! I've never seen anything like it!
:'''AVGN''': I should get a gold medal.

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:''(The Nerd plays [[w:Rocky (2002 video game)|the 2002 ''Rocky'' game on PlayStation 2]], but the audience is severely glitching around, and the two boxers supposed to be in the ring are nowhere to be seen.)''
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' Well, you sure packed quite a crowd tonight, Nerd! You sure did, standing room only...a full house of glitches! Ding ding ding! In this corner, we have weighing in at zero pounds and zero ounces, nothing! In this corner, we've got much of the same! Nothing!
:'''AVGN''': No...
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' ''(As the in-game announcer repeats &quot;Next up is a fight...&quot;)''Do you hear that? What's that sound? Huh? Hm? Sounds of glitch. Your glitch. Enjoy it. ''(The Nerd resets his PS2, and'' ''the in-game combatants show up this time.)'' Nope. No use resetting. Not gonna do a thing.
:'''AVGN:''' Eh, fuck you. It's working now. ''(Spider Rico suddenly sinks into the floor.)'' What was ''that''!?
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' I pulled him through the floor! That's a good one! Good one, Glitch Gremlin! ''(The Nerd looks on in shock as the fighters continuously sink to the floor. The Glitch Gremlin dances.)'' Oh yeah! I'm glitching! Get down, you bad self! Get down! Get down! Get down! Wooo!
:'''AVGN''': Wow, I've ''never'' seen a game this fucked up. ''(He takes out the ''Rocky'' disc to clean it.)''
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' ''(his reflection appears in the disc)'' Not gonna work, not gonna work. What time is it? Not-gonna-work o'clock. ''(The Nerd plays the game again, but now the in-game boxers have warped facial features.)'' In this corner, we have Bug-Eyed Balboa!
:'''AVGN''': What happened to his ''mouth''!?
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' His eyes are popping out! And in that corner, we've got Spider Rico, with no jaw! ''(He sinks into the floor, again.)''
:'''AVGN''': They're like zombies! What is this, &quot;Rocky: The Undead Edition&quot;? You are really one sick fuck, you know that? I'm gonna try Clubber Lang.
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' Oh, Clubber Lang, that could be a good one. Let's see what else I've got up my sleeves - oh, I'm not wearing any, but for my final show-stopper, FEAST YER EYES ON THIS! ''(The in-game model of Clubber Lang appears horrifically deformed and mis-assembled, heavily resembling a straight log of solid fecal matter. His left leg flashes between being visible and invisible, while his right leg does not appear at all. A baffled Nerd drops his controller while the Gremlin laughs gleefully.)''
:'''AVGN''': It's a Clubber-fuck!

=== [[w:Zelda II: The Adventure of Link|Zelda II]] ===
:'''AVGN''': ''(commenting on the odd names for enemies in the original [[w:The Legend of Zelda|''The Legend of Zelda'']])'' What do you call that? A rabbit's head? ''(buzzer sound)'' Wrong. A &quot;Pols Voice&quot;. What's that, a mummy? ''(buzzer sound)'' &quot;Gibdo&quot;. What's that, a ghost? ''(buzzer sound)'' &quot;Ghini&quot;. What's that? Well, it's kinda like...like... ''(triple-ding sound)'' What?! It's called a &quot;Like Like&quot;?! Yeah, I'm not makin' this up, this is all comin' straight from the manual. What do you call that? A snake? ''(buzzer sound)'' Wrong, it's called &quot;Rope&quot;. Yeah, really! If you can't tell the difference between a snake and a rope, you're in trouble. What's that, a bat? ''(buzzer sound)'' No, it's &quot;Keese&quot;. What do you call the keys then, &quot;Bats&quot;? What's that, a knight? ''(buzzer sound)'' A &quot;Darknut&quot;. Well then, what's that? Uh, a, uh, Geiger counselman? ''(buzzer sound)'' Oh, a &quot;Rock&quot;. What's that, a spider? ''(buzzer sound)'' A &quot;Tektite&quot;. Now what the ''fuck'' is a Tektite!? Is that even a real word? I'll look it up...yeah, it is. ''(reads off a dictionary)'' &quot;Tektite. Any of several kinds of small glassy bodies, in various forms, occurring in Australia and elsewhere, now believed to have been produced by the impact of meteorites on the earth's surface.&quot; Yeah. Or, a ''spider''. Well, fuck. Let's move onto ''Zelda II''.

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:'''AVGN''': In each town, there's a woman that restores your health. She invites Link inside, and you never see what's happening in there. Is she giving him a potion? Is she performing a magic spell? No. We all know what's ''really'' happening. Link is like, you know, getting a little of the [[w:A Clockwork Orange (film)|ol' in-out in-out]]. I mean, this isn't little boy Link anymore, he's grown up now. He learns all these special moves like the down-thrust and the up-thrust, and there, he learns the cunt-thrust. Yeah, that should be the name of a band. But really, Link deserves to get some because of all this hell he goes through. He's not gonna get any from Zelda... Well, then again, she's in a sleeping spell. What was Link doing there in the first place? Oh, no, Link's a poon hound.

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:'''AVGN''': ''(repeatedly failing to defeat the final boss, Dark Link)'' Well, it's impossible. I have better luck trying to fight my own shadow! ''(imitates trying to punch his own shadow on the wall and hurting his hand against the wall)'' You motherfucker! C'mon! God damn! ''(cuts back to the Nerd on his couch)'' You can't beat your own shadow, and that's what this game is. It's your dark alter ego that knows more about you than you know about yourself. I don't know how you could win, unless you're ''really'' hardcore. Some gamers are so hardcore with the first game, they've actually made it to Ganon ''without the sword.'' That's insane! But, people like a good challenge. You want a good challenge? Try beating ''Zelda II'' with the Power Glove, yeah. That's a laugh. In conclusion, it's still a great game. But many consider it the black sheep of the Zelda franchise. And understandably, it's very different from the first game but obviously Nintendo didn't want to just rehash the same game over again so they tried something new. Some people were confused and admittedly it had some mixed results. But it had a legacy of its own. It was the first Zelda game that had towns to visit and to have a magic meter and many games copied its style such as Battle of the Olympus and even Rambo. Bottom line, it's a good game, but a very frustrating one. I'll never beat it as long as I live. Nope. ''(turns off TV, walks away, but then runs back to the TV to turn it back on. The ending message appears on the TV saying &quot;You saved Hyrule and you are a real hero!&quot; Then, he looks at the Power Glove in shock and disbelief. Then the curtain lowers and then Zelda and Link supposedly kiss with the curtain covering it up and the words &quot;The End&quot; appear.)''

=== Back To The Future Trilogy ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' I've always wanted to go back and complete them the way I originally intended. The ''McKids'' video, for example. I felt like there should have been a dancing scene with Ronald McDonald, Grimace, and the Hamburglar. And Dracula. And Skeletor. I'd also like to go back to the original negatives, clean them up, make them look good as shit, and give them some new enhancements.
:''[in the &quot;Top Gun&quot; review, the Nerd fires a Sonic Boom at the TV, destroying it. After that, the same thing happens, but Praxis effect rings come from the explosion.]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' In the ''Friday the 13th'' video, I shot Jason Voorhees in the head.
:'''The Nerd from his ''&quot;Friday the 13th&quot;'' Review:''' You're easier to beat in real life than you are in that '''''fuckin' game, you no-good piece of--!''''' ''['''BANG!!!''' The Nerd shoots Jason in the head in the original review]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' That made me look like a cold-blooded killer. I always felt Jason should have shot first. ''[same thing, but Jason fires a laser gun at the Nerd, but he dodges and shoots Jason in the head]''
:'''The Nerd''': I'm just kidding. I have no intentions of changing my older videos like that. But with all seriousness, some of the games I've done, I could have covered them a little better.

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[replaying'' Top Gun] I'm gonna land this thing. Oh, yeah. I'm finally gonna land the plane. This time, I'm gonna land it for real. Oh, I got it. I got it. I got the speed right, but the altitude's off! ''[watches the numbers]'' Oh, I'm going too fast! ''[watches the screen]'' ''[the plane somehow flies out of the TV with the Nerd looking surprised and breaks through a window]'' Hey, if, uh...anybody sees that plane, can you let me know?

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' And what about Judge Doom? He's one of the most difficult bosses in video game history, and I barely said a damn thing about him. Anytime Doom hits you, he takes a great deal of damage, but when ''you'' hit ''him,'' it doesn't do much. With such a huge assortment of weapons, you'd think that there'd be one that inflicts more damage on him, but nope, he has no weakness. All you can do is punch, punch, punch. It may seem easier than it looks, but Doom has no clear pattern. You gotta get lucky and just get him in the right rhythm so you can keep hitting him.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' Once you knock him down, you think it's all over, but no. You gotta pick up the Dip Cannon. But before you can use it, you have to select it. Like, no shit. Why ''wouldn't'' I want it selected? The worst part is that now Judge Doom kills you with one hit. It doesn't matter how full your health is. Anyone's natural reaction is to tap the button, but that won't get you far. You have to know to ''hold down'' the button, and only ''that way'' can you beat him.
:''[Judge Doom is defeated, and the end screen with the text saying, &quot;Toontown is saved and remains in the hands of its rightful owners, the Toons. The End.&quot;]''

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' I already mentioned how the game has nothing to do with the movie. You're collecting clocks, throwing bowling balls, and dodging bees, and other bizarre things. One thing I didn't elaborate on before is how Marty has some serious problem with his legs where he can't stop walking. You'd think this is a Goddamn flying game because you can't stop. Imagine all the problems Marty must go through on a daily basis, being cursed to walk for all eternity! Imagine trying to order at a fast food restaurant, or any restaurant. Imagine going to work or trying to use a bathroom or fly on a plane. He can only stand still when he's behind a counter at a Café throwing milkshakes. Anybody who's played this Café stage knows how unforgiving it is, and I've talked about it already. ''[a Café customer stops to talk to Marty, then he throws him against the wall.]''
:'''The Nerd''': But wouldn't you like to know what the rest of the game is like? Do we ever see Doc Brown, or does the DeLorean ever make an appearance? Or any of the other things from the movie? Let's find out.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' The rest of the street stages are all the same, except they change the color. &quot;No effort. Time is money, don't design another stage. Just change the color, and kids will think it's different.&quot; Do they think we're idiots?
:'''The Nerd''': Then we come to an empty classroom where Lorraine, I guess, is shooting hearts at Marty. What, is he the teacher all of a sudden? And what's he catching hearts for? I suppose it's like in the movie where Lorraine has a crush on Marty, but that's his mom so he's trying not to let that happen. Why isn't he avoiding the hearts then? Oh, I see, I guess he's catching them in a book or something. It's the most literal interpretation of a movie. &quot;It's about time, so let's have clocks! It's about romance, let's have hearts!&quot; Was this game designed by a human being? Or did they just feed the movie into a computer to process and then shit out this nonsensical fuck-poop?
:'''The Nerd''': Once again, like the Café stage, you have to score at least 50 points. Then it's on to more walking stages, and after that, it's the Enchantment Under The Sea dance where Marty plays guitar. What do you do? You have to catch musical notes. What more did you expect? I'll tell you one thing, it's certainly no ''Guitar Hero'' or ''Rock Band.'' Why does Marty play the guitar like a stand-up bass the whole time? Why is he wearing a boiler suit? I guess the same reason he's wearing a black muscle shirt. Where's the red jacket or the suit? Couldn't they have gotten Marty to look ''anything'' like he did in the films? And what about the music? Wouldn't this have been an opportune time to hear ''Earth Angel'' or ''Johnny B. Goode?'' ''[notices music from the game]'' Okay, wait a minute. It ''is'' Johnny B. Goode on crack. ''[4 seconds later]'' If [[w:Capcom|they]] can make the ''DuckTales'' theme sound awesome in 8-bit, why not this? At least you get some different music for once.
:'''The Nerd''': Next, more walking. And finally, the DeLorean. Yes, the DeLorean makes an appearance, after all. This is supposed to be the scene where Marty is trying to get back to the future. The streets of Hill Valley are getting slammed with repeated lightning strikes! All you have to do here is dodge the lightning. That's all. Why are you dodging lightning anyway? Isn't Marty trying to get the lightning to hit the DeLorean to generate the 1.21 gigawatts and send him back to 1985? Isn't that the whole fucking idea of the movie? Anyway, that's ''Back to the Future'' NES. No special ending, nothing. ''[The music from the game continues playing]'' Fuck that music.

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:'''The Nerd''': Well, now that we've seen the whole game, we can conclude that it has... uh... ''some'' relation to the movie. But it doesn't have any of the familiar music cues. And don't tell me it was some kind of licensing issue, like they were able to license the movie, but not the music that belongs with that movie that we all recognize. No Back to the Future theme, no Power of Love, no Back in Time, no Johnny B. Goode! (SORT OF) Well, fuck this! ''[throws the game cartridge behind the futon and drinks some Rolling Rock, accompanied by Johnny B. Goode on crack]''

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' When I first reviewed this game, I was being a shithead. I never explained how it's played. And that's where things get really interesting. You're supposed to collect 30 items, and bring them all back to their rightful places and times. You find the items behind locked doors. To unlock the doors, you need to find the keys which are found by killing random enemies. But the keys don't sit still. They fly off the screen the second they appear. Usually, you're not expecting the key, so you might not catch it. Once the key's gone, it doesn't return. Not unless you exit the level and come back. Even when you get a key, most of the doors don't let you in. ''[Marty cannot unlock a door]'' I don't know the reason for this, but when you do find the right door, you'll get an item. But you don't get it right away, you have to do some sort of mini-game. They're all different, but the goal is the same: To collect all the clocks. How original.

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' Why did LJN have to make every NES movie adaptation? Couldn't they have given somebody else a try? No, they wanted to incorporate the entire spectrum of awfulness. ''[The LJN rainbow logo appears on the screen, and each color lights up as the Nerd mentions them]'' &quot;Purple for Putrid Gameplay&quot;, &quot;blue for Bad Musical Abominations&quot;, &quot;Green for Graphical Farts and Garlic&quot;, &quot;Yellow for Piss Poor Lack of Loyalty to Source Material&quot;, &quot;Orange for 'Aren't You a Fuckin' Idiot?'&quot;, and &quot;Red for High-Stress Anger-Inducing Masochism&quot;. Put that all together, you got all the colors of the Shit Rainbow. ''[sarcastically]'' Hooray, LJN.

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover, playing Back to the Future Part III on Genesis]'' Naturally, the graphics are a big step up, going over to a 16-bit console, and it represents the film far better than the Nintendo games. But there's one fatal flaw: the difficulty. You're Doc Brown on a horse trying to save Clara from going into the ravine. Unfortunately, the ground is littered with crates and other random obstacles, and the air is filled with birds, tomahawks, and all kinds of projectiles.
:'''The Nerd''': You get hit once, it knocks you off your horse, costing you precious time. If you fall only a few times, you have to start over. ''[Game Over screen with Clara falling into the ravine and her gravestone appears]'' Hazards come without any warning. The human brain cannot react as fast as this game demands! It's like a memory test; the only way to get by is to remember the whole level.
:'''The Nerd''': Uh, Jump! Uh, uh, jump again! Duck, uh... shoot, uh... what, ''[yells]'' '''''FUCK!''''' ''[Doc Brown gets knocked off horse]'' ''[exclaims]'' You fucking processing, stop being so blast!
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' It's really hard to distinguish which objects are hazards and which are just there for decoration, like this underwear. This is a perfect example of a game that starts out way too hard. It's only the first level and I can't beat it!
:'''The Nerd''': From what I understand, there's only four levels. For a Sega Genesis game, that's pathetic. I guess they were too lazy to design a longer game so they just made it more difficult so it'd take longer to beat, that's all!
:'''The Nerd''': ''[moans]'' Oh, and that fucking song, I am so sick of hearing it! Next time I hear Ghost Riders in the Sky, I'm gonna think about going 100 miles per hour on a horse jumping crates and getting shot at and shit!
:''[Doc gets knocked off horse repeatedly]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' Fuck-fuck-fuck-'''''UNGH'''''-'''''UNGH'''''-fuck-fuck-ungh-UNGH-UNGH-FUCK-fuck-''ungh''-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-'''''FUCK!!! FUCK!''''' ''[gets furious, throws a pillow at the TV, takes out the game, throws it to the floor and screams.]'' Daaamn!! ''[he yells while he strangles the controller and throws the pillow to the floor.]''

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[after playing Super Back to the Future Part II on SNES]'' A '''''good''''' ''Back to the Future'' game? Somebody made a good ''Back to the Future'' game...and it was only in Japan? ''[suddenly gets angry]'' '''''WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS FUCKIN' WORLD?!''''' We get '''''THESE''''' shitty games, but not '''''THAT''''' one? Like, what the Hell? Why would you do that? It's good! I mean, it's not great, but, it's the best goddamn ''Back to the Future'' game I've ever played. It's actually a game! Why bury the gem and dig up the turd? Innocent people have suffered through these fucking fuck heaps! People developed &quot;Fuck it!&quot;-itis from this shit! People have gone on to live horrible lives, kicking babies in the balls! If you would've went back in time and said to people, &quot;Hey, hey, there's a good ''Back to the Future'' game. Put this shit down and go to Japan!&quot;, they would've looked at you like you're telling them to go...teabag a goat on the surface of Mars. ''[sarcastically]'' Well, thank you for taking a fuckin' shit on us all.

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:'''The Nerd''': Well, hope you enjoyed my Nintendo Days Re-Revisited. Oh, and guess what? Yeah, I hate sentences that begin with that: &quot;Guess what?&quot; Because you know it's never a good thing. ''[sighs]'' But the fact is... I have one more game to revisit. I don't wanna say what it is, let alone even play it, but I'm thinking about it.

=== Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde Re-Revisited ===
:''[The episode begins with a black-and-white clip; the first few seconds from the original &quot;Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde&quot; review from 2004. The Nerd's voice can be heard over this.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' In May of 2004, I gave a warning about a game called Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I made it perfectly clear: '''''DO NOT PLAY''''' this game. But, from what I understand... people have played it. They didn't listen...but, it wasn't their fault. I only showed about one minute of footage from the game, and even though I talked about it at great length, it didn't do any good. ''[The Nerd drinks some Rolling Rock.]'' I called it a piece of shit. I called it an awful pile of steaming goat shit... ''[shakes his head in disgust]'' ...but, that was honoring it. I could have said ''anything,'' it wouldn't have mattered. I could have taken a '''''fuck''''' on it. But my own '''''fuck''''' would have been offended to lay on this ''loathsome piece of '''filth.''''' Just the thought of covering this thing in doo-doo is like encasing it in gold. I curse the day I ''ever'' laid eyes on it. I curse the plastic that holds this abomination. My words are ''insufficient'' in describing the '''''total insult''''' to humanity that this '''''&quot;game&quot;''''' has provided. Everything that '''''I've''''' ever said, and anything that '''''anybody else''''' has ever said, is '''''not''''' enough. It '''''must''''' be shown. ''[He drinks more Rolling Rock]''

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:'''The Nerd:''' Here's the deal. If you die as Jekyll, you turn into Hyde. Die as Hyde, the game's over. There's two ways to die as Hyde. Number 1: The traditional way: Getting hit too many times. Number 2: Getting '''''as far''''' as Jekyll. Yeah, you know whenever lightning strikes and you drop dead in your tracks for no apparent reason? Well, ''that's'' the reason. You got too far.

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:'''The Nerd:''' Ah, these bees! Go away! ''[Jekyll's cane attack kills a bee]'' What happened? I killed a bee? ''[Jekyll's cane attack kills another bee]'' '''''I KILLED SOMETHING!''''' The only thing you can kill in the whole game, and it's a ''little, tiny, stupid, '''FUCKIN' BEE!'''''

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:'''The Nerd''': When Robert Louis Stevenson wrote his story about a doctor who makes a potion that exposes his inner evil, he didn't realize that the potion would become a reality. Not in the form of chemistry, but through a late 20th century interactive electronic apparatus. Awful music, dreadful graphics, unspeakable gameplay, deceptive enemies, unavoidable hazards, useless weaponry, all mixed together and calculated just right. That is a ''horrible'' concoction!

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:''[Cut to a graveyard, the Nerd digs up a skeleton from Robert Louis Stevenson's grave. The Nerd chokes the skeleton, but the skeleton laughs in a monstrous voice, and begins to choke the Nerd in response. Intimidated, the Nerd throws the skeleton away.]''
:'''Skeleton''': ''[gives the Nerd the middle finger]'' Fuck you.
:''[The Nerd tries to hit the skeleton with the cane, but misses, and the skeleton chortles, completely unharmed]''
:'''Skeleton''': I am the devil! ''[laughs evilly]'' Now go play some Dr. Jekyll and Mr. '''''HYDE!!!!!'''''
:'''The Nerd''': No!
:'''Skeleton''': ''[bellows]'' '''''HYDE!!!!!!'''''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[softer]'' No...!

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:'''The Nerd:''' I think I get it. Why, it's the best game ever made. It's more than a game! It exposes the dual nature of the human spirit. The only way to win the game is to be Jekyll, but you wanna be Hyde so you can shoot shit! You see, it's a constant battle between good and evil, and Jekyll must stay farther along his path than Hyde. If Hyde gains the lead, then evil will triumph over good, and that's the true conflict of the human soul.
:'''The Nerd:''' And to deny the evil completely would only force it into the subconscious mind, like a city broken into different social classes: people don't wanna step outside their own boundaries, like Jekyll wandering into the wrong section of town, he's unwelcome. Nevertheless, he must abide by his own good nature.
:'''The Nerd:''' No wonder the cane doesn't work. The game does not reward you for acting upon your malevolent intentions. It's a proposed guideline for a set of morality rules to be programmed into real life. It uses the Victorian Era as a fundamental depiction of outward respectability and inward lust, it's a metaphor for social and geographical fragmentation. It alludes the Freud theory of repression in which unacceptable desires or impulses are excluded from the conscious mind and left to operate on their own in the ''un''conscious.
:'''The Nerd:''' Or, you could just say, '''''&quot;THE GAME FUCKIN' SUCKS.&quot;'''''

=== [[w:Lester the Unlikely|Lester the Unlikely]] ===
:'''AVGN''': (sighs) What's the point? It's all gonna be dust one day. [He decides to play Lester the Unlikely] ''[[w:Lester the Unlikely|Lester the Unlikely]].'' It's unlikely that this is gonna be a good game. (Inserts the game in and turns the Super Nintendo on as Lester yells like Tarzan.) Okay, title screen. Guy swinging on a vine. Like every other jungle adventure game. Then comes the story. You're Lester, a comic book geek who wanders onto a dock, and then... (Groans) OK, I have no faith in this character already if he's gonna go to sleep on a piece of cargo that's being loaded onto a ship. He becomes an involuntary stowaway, the ship's raided by pirates, and Lester swims to a nearby tropical island. That's where the game begins.

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:'''AVGN''': Half the time Lester does things against your own will. ''[Lester automatically runs away from a crab]'' I didn't do that! The game did! Have you ever had a game character disobey? ''[Lester runs away from a large turtle on the ground]'' Go near the godfuckingdamn turtle! Why does he keep running!? What's so threatening about a fucking turtle!? ''[Lester runs away from another turtle]'' Run, Lester, run! Get away from that turtle! That turtle might charge really fucking fast!

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:'''AVGN''': This is a penis-shaped piss stain on the face of gaming. I'd rather fuck the Wicked Witch of the West! I'd rather play a CD-i game! Yeah! Like ''The Flowers of Robert Mapplethorpe''. ''[plays it, but after a while of just looking at still images of flowers]'' ...No, I wouldn't.

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:'''AVGN''': Just let him die. Who wants to play as a weak, pathetic character like this? Wouldn't you rather be a tough guy? Isn't that the whole point of playing a game? To feel empowered? To be someone you're not? I mean, I get it - he's supposed to be a nerd. Well, this &quot;nerd&quot; makes me look like [[w:Charles Bronson|Charles Bronson]]! [[w:Steve Urkel|Steve Urkel]] could beat the fuck out of this guy! I think this whole thing was an experiment: To create the world's ''worst'' video game character.

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:'''AVGN''': No wonder why he didn't get his own sequels. I can imagine what Lester the Unlikely 2 would've been like. The game would start... and you couldn't even move! All that happens, Lester pulls down his pants, sucks his thumb, and takes a fuck. The third game, you couldn't even get past the title screen. All that happens, you push Start, and Lester falls down and farts. (he shrugs) The fourth game doesn't even work at all. You just put it in your Super Nintendo... (the Nerd puts the game into the SNES, turns it on, and the game explodes)... and it explodes. (disgusted) The fifth game isn't even a game at all: it's just a bag of shit that says Lester the Unlikely 5 on it. (the Nerd holds up the &quot;Lester the Unlikely&quot; 5 bag and fuck is dripping down to the floor. The Nerd holds his nose in revolt.) And there's a new one coming up on the PS4 using the latest state-of-the-art technology (the Nerd holds up the CD) of constructing the disc out of orangutan diarrhea. It just turned out that was the only way, and it really gives Blu-Ray a run for its money.

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:'''AVGN''': Fuck this game. (throws down the controller) And you know what? Fuck all games. I'm gonna watch some TV. ''(He turns on the TV and tries to change channels, but the TV is all static.)'' Man. TV nowadays sucks.

=== How The Nerd Stole Christmas ===
:'''AVGN''': ''[[w:Wall Street Kid|Wall Street Kid]]'' is a game about cash and stocks. Might as well fill my Christmas socks with trash and severed cat cocks!

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:'''AVGN''': ''[[w:Killing Time (video game)|Killing Time]]'' on [[w:3DO Interactive Multiplayer|3DO]] doesn't give you enough ammo! Your parents paying fifty bucks for a game where you shoot the fuck out of ducks really sucks! I'd rather eat deceased skunk yeast than play inferior arcade ports like ''[[w:Altered Beast|Altered Beast]]''. Altered Beast is a nut-kicking feast I can't stand in the least!

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:'''AVGN''': ''[[w:S.C.A.T.: Special Cybernetic Attack Team|S.C.A.T.]]'' stands for Special Cybernetic Attack Team, but &quot;the droppings of carnivorous mammals&quot; is what the word &quot;scat&quot; really means. It's as close as you can get to a Nintendo game called &quot;Shit&quot;.

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:'''AVGN''': We'll see how they like ''[[w:Circus Caper|Circus Caper]]'', it's as fun as inhaling Chewbacca's anal vapor!

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: '''AVGN''': ''[Playing [[w:Fist of the North Star (Nintendo Entertainment System)|''Fist of the North Star'']] on NES]'' Finding the right door is such a chore. C'mon, where do I go!? What a bore! Finally, when you do find the right door, how you go in? Wanna know the way? Not up, not down: By pressing Right, B, and A!!! How much were they drinking!? Why is it so stinking!? I'm staring unblinking, &quot;What were they thinking!?&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bear McCreary''': ''[singing to the tune of ''You're A Mean One, Mr. Grinch''].''
:''You're a mean one, Mr. Nerd.''
:''You really are a jerk!''
:''You're shameless as a shitmop,''
:''You got mischief in your smirk, Mr. Nerd.''
:''I wouldn't blame you when you're playing Atari Berzerk!''
:''You're a vile one, Mr. Nerd.''
:''You've got demons in your soul!''
:''You're wacky and you're wicked,''
:''Your crap is full of coal, Mr. Nerd.''

=== [[w:Day Dreamin' Davey|Day Dreamin' Davey]] ===
:'''AVGN''': Oh, no. Time to play a fucky game for the 98th fucking time. Day Dreamin' Davey. Should I even care who the hell Davey is? Oh no, it's HAL. Don't trust anything called HAL. Actually, the same company created Kirby, and developed Super Smash Bros. Maybe this won't be so bad then.
:'''Davey''': Awesome!
:'''AVGN''':  Oh, no. I just jinxed the whole thing. Well, as you probably guessed from the title, this is all about a kid who daydreams. Starts out, Davey's in school, and a bully steals his pencil. ...So he's gotta get the pencil back? Man, that's some epic storyline right there. So, Davey falls asleep in class and dreams he's in the Middle Ages. It's like your typical Zelda-esque adventure, but instead of trying to save a princess and save the lives of everyone in the land from evil forces, it's all about getting... a pencil.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Why does he care so much about a fucking pencil? Was he planning to take it home after school and shove it up his fuck or something?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Then you get a sword, but it's a dream, so when he wakes up it's a ruler he's holding. Why is he so excited about a ruler? Does he wanna measure his turds? Then the teacher says, &quot;What are you doing? You are going to see the principal for this.&quot; Um, for what? For measuring his turds in class?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': What's this? A hooker? She asks if I need some &quot;help&quot;? Really! There's a Nintendo game where a ''hooker'' tries to sell herself to a kid. ''Now'' this whole thing is worth it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''[after defeating the Medusa]'' Finally when you kill her, you grab her head off the ground. You know what would be really awesome? If Davey woke up here, and had the teacher's decapitated head in his hands. ''[appears an image of Davey happily holding the teacher's blood dripping head]'' Yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''[after Davey got a trophy in his dream, and he wakes up in front of the principal with the trophy actually in his possession]'' So Davey wakes up and the Principal's like, &quot;Where'd you get that trophy?&quot; So, now Davey's actually bringing back objects from his dreams? Does this make any sense? You know what would be cool? If Freddy Krueger came out and clawed his fucking face off!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Well, that's it! Basically, that's Day Dreamin' Davey. That's the whole game. Mediocre... That's what it is. So, until next time... Gotta dream... something... better...

=== [[w:Star Wars computer and video games|Star Wars]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': I have a bad feeling about this. We're gonna play a bunch of ''[[w:Star Wars computer and video games|Star Wars games]].''The movies were a prime target for video game adaptations. They were full of all kinds of action setpieces with battles taking place in space and on land, lightsaber duels, speederbike chases. They had lovable characters, great storylines, and a classic mythology that was bright for expanding upon in the world of gaming. So, how could they fuck that up? Let's find out. Our journey begins, innocently enough, with the Atari 2600. ''[plays Star Wars for the Atari 2600]'' This is the first Star Wars game, or at least the first Atari version based on the first movie. It follows the same format as the arcade version which came out before. It focuses on only one scene from the movie: the climactic rebel attack on the Death Star. It's unimpressive to say the least, but for the time, it was ambitious to try and create a 3D perspective. And besides, the Atari 2600 is well known for not being able to live up to the arcade standards of quality.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[Playing the Japanese Famicom ''Star Wars'', the Nerd fights [[w:Darth Vader|Darth Vader]] inside the sandcrawler level, and is shocked when Vader transforms into a scorpion.]'' Did that happen in the movie? Did that happen in... any of the movies?! Did Darth Vader say to [[w:Luke Skywalker|Luke]], &quot;I am your father, and I am also, a ''fucking'' scorpion!&quot; No! It's not true! '''''THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!! WHY DOES DARTH VADER TURN INTO A FUCKING SCORPION?!''''' That doesn't even happen in the Special Editions! There is ''no'' version of ''Star Wars,'' in this universe or timeline, or any other (I'm...sure of it.) where Darth Vader turns into...''[Takes his glasses off, cleans them, rubs his eyes, and puts them back on]''...a ''fucking'' scorpion.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': It also happens to be one of those &quot;Where the fuck do I go?&quot; kind of games. If you haven't played the game before, you can spend hours searching for the right place. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': OK, so I guess he's going into the Mos Eisley bar. That's the famous scene in the movie where Luke meets [[w:Han Solo|Han Solo]]. But one thing I didn't know was that they allow Landspeeders in the bar. What, does Luke just crash his way in? ''[a car-crashing sound effect and a Chewbacca roar are imposed on Luke riding the landspeeder straight into the bar]'' It's quite interesting, actually. In this version, Luke gets to the bar so fast, I bet Han and Greedo were still talking at, at the table, and you know, who shot first, Han or Greedo, whatever. But actually, neither one of them did! Luke kills Greedo with his Landspeeder. Right after Han says &quot;Over my dead body.&quot;, '''''BOOM!''''' All of a sudden, Luke comes through, crashing with the fucking Landspeeder!!! I wanna see ''that'' in the next Special Edition.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': The NES got [[w:Star Wars (1991 video game)|a different Star Wars game.]] ''[sees JVC logo]'' Hold on. No LJN? It's a movie based game, it's on Nintendo, and it wasn't made by LJN? Then it might have a chance.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Man, the only way to beat an outrageously difficult game like this is to cheat! Like, I hear a lot of people use emulators or save-states. You know, that would be pretty handy, I guess, but you know what'd be better? How about just a button you press that makes the game beat? And that's why I invented the Beat-A-Game Button! Yeah! All you do, if you're playing a really hard game, you just push the button, and the game's beat! Let's try it out. ''[[w:Ninja Gaiden II: The Dark Sword of Chaos|Ninja Gaiden II]].'' Ooh, that's a hard game. Oh, man. Oh, shit. I'm getting my fuck kicked. ''[he gets an idea as he presses the Beat-A-Game Button then beats Ninja Gaiden II]'' ''[[w:The Legend of Zelda (video game)|Legend of Zelda]]!'' ''[presses the button and he beats said game]'' Beat it. ''[[w:Mega Man (video game)|Mega Man]]!'' ''[presses the button and he beats said game]'' Beat it. You'd never thought you could beat the game. Not without the Beat-A-Game Button! ''[stands up and walks to his NES library]'' All right, all you games. Consider your ass beat! ''[he holds the button in triumph while an 8-bit version of [[w:Music of Star Wars|The Imperial March]] plays as he wouldn't use the button to beat every single game]'' All right, back to ''Star Wars.''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Of course we had to stop somewhere because there's a whole galaxy of ''Star Wars''-related games so this could've gone on and on. With ''Star Wars Rebel Assault, Dark Forces, Jedi Academy, Rogue Squadron, Battlefront, Star Wars Chess, Lego Star Wars, Star Wars Puzzle Blaster, Star Wars Pod Racer, [he then starts making them up as he goes along] Jar Jar Binks Bingo, Death Star Builder 3.0, Chewie Wookie Cookie Cooking, Stormtrooper Tennis, Jabba's Farts Unleashed,'' (That was a good one.) ''Wedge's Wedgie Attack, Fishing For Ackbars, Super Sith Shit-Toss Tournament Edition, Boba Fett's Name Game,'' (Find his name in the fuckin' movies.) ''Govenor Tarkin vs. Count Dookie--'' ''[a cutout buffalo walks past and defecates through the Nerd's window, breaking it and startling the Nerd.]'' '''''OH, MY GOD!!! OH, MY GOD! WHAT THE--?! THAT FUCKING BUFFALO JUST TOOK A FUCKING FUCK THROUGH MY FUCKING WINDOW!!! OH, MY FUCKING GOD, THERE'S FUCK AND FUCKING GLASS ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE! WHERE IN THE FUCK DID THAT FUCKING COME FROM?! OH, MY GOD!! NOW I GOTTA FUCKING CLEAN ALL THIS FUCK UP! WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?!'''''

=== [[w:R.O.B.|R.O.B. The Robot]] ===
:'''R.O.B.''': ''[robotic voice]'' I will play, I am R.O.B., Robotic Operating Buddy.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[intrigued]'' Okay, cool, a robot. Here ya go. ''[hands R.O.B. the controller]''
:'''R.O.B.''': ''[robotic voice]'' Error, does not compute, requires adaptive device.
:'''The Nerd''': It's a controller. You play it.
:'''R.O.B.''': ''[robotic voice]'' I do not have thumbs, you moron. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''R.O.B.''': ''[robotic voice]'' Must have gyros.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[annoyed]'' You want a fucking gyro now? ''[He goes into the kitchen, makes a gyro sandwich, and returns to R.O.B.]'' All right, here's your damn gyro.
:'''R.O.B.''': ''[robotic voice]'' You idiot. That is not a gyro.
:'''The Nerd''': I know, I tried - what, do you want me to go to fuckin' Greece?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' ''[angrily]'' You ready now, R.O.B.? You happy? You got enough ''shit'' to work with?!
:'''R.O.B''': ''[robotic voice]'' Affirmative.
:'''The Nerd''': &quot;Affirmative,&quot; your ''ass!'' Let's play. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, no, no, no, no-- ''[Professor Hector dies]'' ''[growling]'' Fuck! Oh, here comes a Smick! ''[Professor Hector dies again]'' ''[exclaims]'' Fucking Smick's a dick!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': You're doing this, you cybernetic shit-sucker!

== Season Six ==

=== [[w:Steven Spielberg|Spielberg Games]] ===

:'''AVGN''': You wanna know a recipe for shit? Take a movie, put it on NES, n' you got yourself some shit. But let's go even more extreme. Let's take one of the best movies ever made, ''[[w:Jaws (film)|Jaws]]'', by one of the best directors, Steven Spielberg! And then, let's give it to ''the'' game company that has made more fucking shitty games than anybody else! You see that little rainbow, right there? LJN. ...Now we're talking shit. Ahh, LJN. What we're dealing with here is a shitty-game-making-machine. It's really a miracle of electronic evolution. All this machine does is joke, and cheat, and make shitty games, and that's all.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Jaws’ Power Meter goes down slower than the hairs grow on a moose’s scrotum.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': We're gonna need a bigger ass... to shit out this fucking turd! ''[Removes the game from the Nintoaster]'' Never playing this game again. I would just throw it into the sea, but I hear that in 2015, there's an antique store opening up, in Hill Valley. They might take it. ''(Picks up a box)'' Well, right here, I got a box of games, based on movies by Steven Spielberg. Let's see what we got. ''(he pulls out E.T. the Extra Terrestrial for the Atari 2600. The Nerd gasps in horror, throws the box away, and the camera zooms in on the E.T. game)'' Ugh!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Super ''[[w:Schindler's List|Schindler's List]]'' 3D!? Nah, I'm just kiddin'. It's ''[[w:Jurassic Park (film)|Jurassic Park]]''.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': It's one of those &quot;Where the fuck do I go?&quot; kind of games. You run around like an idiot collecting eggs. So, yes, it's like a big Easter egg hunt with Smokey Bear and dinosaurs. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Looky looky, I got [[w:Hook|Hooky]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': It's amazing how many games in the NES library tried to be side-scrollers and failed. The weapon is puny, the controls suck, and it's nothing like the movie. It's a miserable experience that assaults your eyes and ears with ''horrible'' graphics and music. What about your nose? If it was possible, I'm sure the game cartridge would come with an air duct that pervades the room with the rancid odor of a skunk that's died up a horse's ass! Ugh! You know what kind of games I like? Good ones?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''[Playing ''Jurassic Park: Interactive'' on the 3DO]'' Oh, look at this! You're a tiny microscopic speck flying around in circuit-chip land shooting three-and-a-half-inch floppy disks. What does this have to do with ''Jurassic Park''!? WHAT WERE THEY THINKING!? Wait a minute. What does it say on the floppy disks? &quot;'''Dump'''&quot;? It says &quot;Dump&quot;? How appropriate. This game is a bunch of anal dump.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''Jurassic Park'' on 3DO is a complete mockery, man. Does it suck? You bet &quot;JUR ASS IC&quot; sucks! In the words of Ian Malcom, &quot;That is one big pile of shit.&quot; The problem with all these games is that the power to make them doesn't require any discipline. They took the movie, without any responsibility, they stood on the shoulders of Steven Spielberg and Michael Crichton to accomplish something as fast as they could, and before they even knew what they had, they patented it, they packaged it, they slapped it on a plastic game cartridge or CD, and (slaps) they sold it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Now even though this says E.T. Go Come on the cover it is not the E.T. game. Oh no. Now I gotta make something perfectly clear. I play shitty games so that innocent gamers don't have to. But there's ''one'' game I ''never'' play. ''[picks up [[w:E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (video game)|E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial]] for the Atari, opens the box, shows a cartridge then throws it in disgust while the choir sings in background]'' Ugh! ''[looks away, then looks back just as the camera slowly zooms in on the game with texts appear saying &quot;To Be Continued in [[w:Angry Video Game Nerd: The Movie|Angry Video Game Nerd: The Movie]]&quot;]''

=== The Making of an Angry Video Game Nerd episode/[[w:Barbie (video game)|Barbie]] ===
:'''AVGN''': No degeneracy is low enough to satisfy the shit-seeking gamer who decides to play ''Barbie'' on NES. Whoo. We know that most games on NES are targeted towards young boys. So, here's one for the girls. As an adult male, why would I ''ever'' want to play this? Because I'm pathetic, and I'm asking for fuck!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': So the game is actually her dream, in case you ever wanted to know what Barbie dreams about. She dreams about a nursery that's been overtaken by a poltergeist! Tennis rackets are hitting balls all over the place, there's clothing flying around, she has to fight the invisible woman, there's a puppy dog that's helping her attack evil stockings or something, Toucan Sam gives her a lift... I wonder if there's any psychological meaning behind these dreams. Barbie's really fucked up in the head. Even the craziest psychopaths on Earth don't dream this fuck!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The wallpaper's covered in roses, teddy bears, and baseballs. I guess you can say this game is balls to the wall. I can't help but notice how many balls are in the game. They're everywhere! Perhaps the meaning behind this is because she's obsessed with Ken's balls.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I just got my ass handed to me by a ''Barbie'' game. This game was made for little girls and I can't even get past the first few stages. Fuck this game! Fucking Barbie! Plastic pink mall-shopping, bimbo, ball-craving, bird-riding, ghost-fighting, fish-flopping, psycho-dreaming, HAIR BRAIN PIECE OF FUCK! Go to fuck!

=== [[w:Kid Kool|Kid Kool]] ===
:'''AVGN''': ''Kid Kool'' is a game that's so bad, you wouldn't want to go wipe your ass on it. Your worst fucking enemies don't deserve to play this accursed, foul piece of garbage! Satan doesn't even have any games in Fuck that are as wretched as this putrid shitload of fuck!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': There's parts where you have to get over water and the only way to do this is to master the fragile art of skipping across on your butt. Think it looks easy? It's not.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''What'' is the deal with this? Did the programmers have any clue how to make a video game? You're not supposed to have the game stop in mid-jump to reorient the screen! That is so irritating! How are you supposed to make a jump when the screen keeps jolting up and down!? How are you supposed to stomp on enemies!? Look at this! ''Look at this!'' We'll call it &quot;air suspension fuck-lift&quot;.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''':  So that's ''Kid Kool'' for you. It seems to deliberately follow the guidelines for making an unholy disaster of a game. It has one-way bullshit, two-gear diarrhea, it's heavy on the jump-fuckness, with loads of topside aquatic ass, it has frequent air suspension shit-lifts, a ton of inviso-bitches, and some free-falling fuckballs for good measure. How did they make the game this bad!? It's clearly untested and rushed beyond belief. There couldn't have been that big a demand for ''Kid Kool''. What was the hurry? In order to do something good, it takes time.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I went through all that torture just to be given the middle-finger salute!? This is a perfect example of a game that's been ruined by control. Control! And that's the hardest part to explain because unless you've played the game, you don't really understand. I mean, maybe you've played other games with horrible control like ''Karate Champ'', or ''Dr. Claw's Dump n' Pump'', but those don't compare. Playing this is like trying to thread a needle while it's spinning on a record player. It's like trying to drive a car blindfolded. You would NOT want to try that, nor would you want to try this game! ''Kid Kool'' is not cool! ''[the Nerd blindly throws the game over his shoulder, and by chance it lands into a garbage bin, to his astonishment.]''

=== [[w:Nintendo World Championships|Nintendo World Championships]] ===
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[he excitedly holds the box of NES games]'' If this box contains what I think it does, then this will be the greatest moment in my career as a game collector. I bought this from an eBay auction. The seller gave a list of games included; mostly NES games that I own already. But there's one that caught my attention: ''[[w:Nintendo World Championships|Nintendo World Championships]]''. Under normal circumstances, this particular game would cost a fortune. The seller probably had no idea what they had, and that happens sometimes. They're trying to get rid of some old games at a flea market or a yard sale or something, and they don't realize that what they're selling happens to be one of the most rare NES games in existence. Nintendo World Championships was never sold in stores. It was a specially-made game cartridge used as part of a gaming competition. Remember the 1989 movie, The Wizard with the big game tournament? Well, this was a real-life version inspired by the movie. The competition was part of a big festival called Powerfest in 1990. It was divided into age groups. Each winner got a cash prize of $10,000, and took home other goodies. The finalists each got to keep their own copy of the game. But there was another version made in gold. The gold cartridges are even more rare. Only 26 were made, and given out as part of a random prize giveaway in Nintendo Power magazine. Also, the red label only existed in the promo pics. The actual games were all gold with a cheap logo glued on that's been cut out with scissors. The whereabouts of these games remain largely unknown. But, in recent years, many of them have show up in auctions, commanding huge prices. But there's still more out there. Um, there were other Nintendo contests like Campus Challenge, two of them, and the Super Nintendo Powerfest '94 competition. But Nintendo World Championships seems to be the most famous, and is considered the Holy Grail among NES collectors. Could I have one of these in my possession right now? Let's find out! ''[starts opening up box with excitedly]'' Oh, boy, I can't wait! It's, I wonder, it's probably the grey one. But who knows? It might even be the gold one! ''[anxiously opens box and digs through cartridges, and unveils game labeled &quot;NWC1990&quot;; Nerd is excited until the camera zooms in on the game's text &quot;Reproduction Cartridge&quot;, and the Nerd's joy slowly fades]'' This is a reproduction cart. Anybody can get these. Worth about $50. ''[he sighs, stands up, and walks to game shelves]'' Well, at least I can still say, &quot;I own Nintendo World Championships&quot;. ''[he places the reproduction cartridge into his game shelf]'' It's not the real thing. I'll never own a complete NES collection. Wait a minute. I know somebody who might own a real NWC. Yeah, somebody who's as obsessed with game collecting as I am, and when it comes to NES, he's even more crazy.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[on the phone with Pat the NES Punk, discussing the authentic copy of the game in Pat's possession]'' Tell you what, uh, if you come on over? I'll help, um, authenticate it for you. I'll give it the Nerd seal of approval.
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': The &quot;Nerd seal of approval&quot;? What is that? Like, you'll take a dump on it?
:'''The Nerd''': No, that would be the Nerd seal of disapproval. Come over, I'll take a look at it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[trying to convince Pat to give him the rarer gold NWC cart]'' The gold one's a piece of crap! I mean, you don't want that. I mean, you know how they made those! They just cut out the logo with cheap paper, and they glued it on! With glue!
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': Yeah! Elmer's glue!
:'''The Nerd''': Yeah-yeah, I bet Mr. Elmer himself glued it on from his own goat. ''[imitates goat bleating]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': ''[while getting ready to play NWC]'' Where's your Nintendo?
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, the Nintendo? Right there, the Nintoaster.
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': The what? Are you playing video games or making breakfast? I'm not turning these expensive games into a goddamn English muffin!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[while playing the ''Rad Racer'' portion of NWC]'' Just think, the NWC cartridges are so expensive, you could actually use that money and buy a real car!
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': Sure, you can buy a car, but it wouldn't be a racer as rad as this.
:'''The Nerd''': Alright, So I finished ''Rad Racer.'' Now I'm up to ''Tetris?''
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': Final game, Nerd. All right, you're on a time limit, and to maximize your score, you gotta get the four-line Tetrises. W-Wait. Why am I helping you? You think you deserve these games? You changed your name from the Angry ''Nintendo'' Nerd to the ''Video Game'' Nerd! I'm the NES Punk, I deserve these games!
:'''The Nerd''': I know a lot of people who own ''Tetris.'' And they actually have the whole game!
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': That's it, that's your score. I'm going to annihilate it. ''[takes the NES controller from The Nerd]'' Thank you very much. ''[gets 50 coins on [[w:Super Mario Bros.|Super Mario Bros.]]]'' Okay, I just beat you on ''Super Mario Bros.'' Now, it's ''Rad Racer'' time.
:'''The Nerd''': Look at that. Well, you got two more games!
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': Yeah, I know I do. I can count!
:'''The Nerd''': Well, just think. We're playing on a reproduction cart, but if we were playing one of those other ones, it would be the same thing. So, what's the point? Just to play on an overly priced game cartridge?
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': What's the point? The point is, those games are part of Nintendo and video game history! There are part of our culture! Those games represent the point where Nintendo dominated our, our society! ''[car in &quot;Rad Racer&quot; crashes]'' Oh-- ah! ''[[w:Tetris|Tetris]]'' is next. I'm not gonna let you taunt me outta this one, I'm gonna win!
:'''The Nerd''': No, I'm serious. This game is a piece of shit.
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': Come on, Pat. Come on. Yeah! Triple-Line score! ''[pants]'' Double-Line score! I'm gonna win. ''[The Nerd gets the hammer from the drawer]'' The games are mine!
:'''The Nerd''': ''Nintendo World Championships'' is poop on a pedestal. It's an over-glorified holy shit-grail! Fuck it to hell, fuck it to high heaven, purgatory, and all existence!
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yes! Yes! I won! I won! ''[The Nerd whacks the two cartridges as he grunts angrily and smashes them into pieces as Pat looks at the broken pieces of NWC cartridges then The Nerd removes the reproduction cartridge.]''
:'''The Nerd''': Here you go. You can have this one. ''[Pat the NES Punk takes it for a moment, and then it slips out of his hands in his own disbelief. Pat the NES Punk then starts laughing, and The Nerd starts laughing as well.]'' Oh, man. ''[laughs then gets attacked by Pat the NES Punk]''

=== [[w:Dark Castle|Dark Castle]] ===

:'''AVGN:''' This is gonna get scary. Okay, I play a lot of 8-bit shit; you know, NES. Why is there so many crappy games on NES? I mean - you know, they have lots of great, classic games as well. But its precious library was being used by all these half-ass game companies as a dumping ground for all their foul shit.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN:''' ''[Talking about the title screen in the Genesis version of Dark Castle]'' What the hell is this? A ghost giving a castle a blow job?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN:''' ''[Upon starting the game and noticing the first room]'' This one says &quot;BK&quot;. What the hell does BK stand for? Burger King? I hope! If I go in there and I get served hamburgers, that would be the tits!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN:''' ''[In the game's dungeon]'' Oh, that's neat. Graffiti on the walls. &quot;Gamers rule&quot; and *what?* &quot;Saddam was here&quot;? As in Saddam Hussein? What was he doin' goin' around writing on castle walls? And &quot;Gamers rule&quot;? That's the same handwriting. Hmm, so Saddam was a really hardcore gamer? Wow.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN:''' ''[Talking about the music]'' After you listen to the music for a half hour, you get tired of it. Fortunately, you have the option to turn the music off, but you have to do it at the right time, or else, it sustains it. ''[The nerd turns off the music at the wrong time and a loud genesis sound is played]'' '''Isn't that the fuckest thing you've ever heard?!! Didn't anybody test this shit out?!!'''

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:'''AVGN:''' ''[on the game's attacking controls]'' Why couldn’t this just operate like any normal game? Whoever came up with this idea is nuttier than squirrel poop.

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:'''AVGN:''' As you notice, you can duck, it's done by pressing Down and B. But it only ducks for like a second. To stay ducking, you have to press ''up'' and B. Yup, pressing Up to duck is ''pretty fucked up''!

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:'''AVGN:''' On top of everything, it’s one of those maze-like, mindfuck games, where you never know where to go. Can I go here? Nope. Can I go there? Nope. What about here? Nope. Three spots on the same screen, all dead ends. Well, if it’s a dead end, WHY CAN'T THEY MAKE IT LOOK LIKE A DEAD END?! PUT A WALL THERE OR SOMETHING! WHY DOES IT HAVE TO LOOK LIKE A WIDE OPEN PASSAGEWAY?!

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:'''AVGN:''' I happen to find a key, but I can’t figure out what it does. I tried every spot I can think of, but this key is as useless as boobs on a bull. Anything you do, you're fucked! Try this, you're fucked. Try that, you're fucked. You're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN:''' ''This'' is beyond any doubt, the ''worst'' Sega Genesis game I have ''ever'' played. There’s gotta be something I’m doing wrong. Let me see; maybe it’s on a really high difficulty setting - yeah, let me see what I can do here. Umm… EASY!? It was on easy!? That’s their idea of fucking easy!? Are they out of their minds!? Alright, let’s flick that shit-switch and crank up that diarrhea-dial; I got Dark Castle on C! D! '''''IIIIIIIIIII!!!''''' ''[roaring while flames engulf the room]''

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:'''AVGN:''' I can barely even fucking move! The control is ''impossible''! You ''can’t'' control it. You have more control over the weather than you do in the character in this game!

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:'''AVGN:''' The Genesis version was bad, but this one fucks you harder than life itself! It’s like mixing shit with turds! It’s the most heinously anus thing ever conceived by humankind! It’s a curse to the soul, and it must suffer the tortures of the damned!

=== Bible Games III ===

:'''AVGN:''' In the beginning, the game company called Wisdom Tree began producing unlicensed games for the NES. Wisdom Tree said, &quot;Let there be shit.&quot; And there was shit. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about: Bible games, like Bible Buffet, where you're blowing off a snowman's head (which has nothing to do with the Bible), Super Noah's Ark 3D, where you're slingshottin' pissed off animals, Sunday Funday, where you're killing random people on your way to church, and all those ridiculous CD-i games.
:'''Child's voice:''' Yippie! Yippie! Whoops! Yippie!
:'''AVGN:''' I've already talked about these games in my previous Bible Games episodes. So what's the point of going on? Because Part 3 is never as good. But, you know, there's a few more bible games left, so I might as well finish what I started.

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:'''AVGN:''' ''[playing a Hangman-style game in ''King James Bible'' on Game Boy]'' Alright, what's the word? &quot;'''Goodliest'''&quot;? Who the fuck uses a word like that? &quot;'''Blessedness'''&quot;? Of course. They're all ancient words that nobody says anymore in common speech. Well, that's all there is to that. I marvel at this game's shitliness.

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:'''AVGN:''' The other thing you can do is search for words in the Bible. For example, we can search, I dunno, how about the word &quot;Ass&quot;? [many results appear] Okay, I had no idea there'd be this many results. &quot;'''Then they rent their clothes and laded every man his ass'''&quot;, &quot;'''loose his ox or his ass'''&quot;, &quot;'''whose ass have I taken?'''&quot;, &quot;'''deliver unto his neighbour an ass'''&quot;, &quot;'''Which of you shall have an ass'''&quot;, &quot;'''he had found a young ass'''&quot;, &quot;'''the dumb ass'''&quot; - [laughs] it says &quot;dumb ass&quot; in the Bible - &quot;'''saddled his ass'''&quot;, &quot;'''opened his sack to give his ass'''&quot;, &quot;'''the lion had not eaten the carcase, nor torn the ass'''&quot;, &quot;'''riding upon his ass'''&quot;? ''[chuckles]'' Oh, I'm going to Hell.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN:''' ''[playing the Genesis version of ''Bible Adventures'']'' Man, Noah has some balls to be rescuing snakes. Indiana Jones wouldn't do that. No, he thinks Noah is a snake-saving shit-sucker. Pee-wee Herman once saved snakes, but he fainted. That's right, in order of manliness, Indiana Jones, then Pee-wee, and then fucking Noah.

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:'''AVGN:''' The monkeys, I hate them. They're so fucking hard to catch! I'm gonna get ya, you stupid monkey. Yeah! Whatever it takes fuckface. You're slime... you're filth... I'm gonna rip you apart.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN:''' The graphics are dull. There's so much brown. The Ark is brown, the trees are brown. Why's everything gotta be the color of shit? It might as well be shit. Yeah! Those trees in the background are like logs of shit coming out of God's ass. It's HOLY shit.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Well, that's Bible Adventures, that takes care of all the Bible games on Genesis. I could end things now, but I really don't want there to ever be a Bible Games 4, so there's one little bit of unfinished business: an NES game called King of Kings. I already reviewed this as part of my first Bible Games episode. It has 3 games in it. Jesus and the Temple, which is that Mario 2 (Super Mario Bros. 2) ripoff where you're hopping across logs. Then there's The Wise Men, where you're travelling to Baby Jesus. That means it's the only Christmas game. Isn't that the whole reason I did this in December? Why did I do all these other Bible games? I guess when it comes to bad games, I go above and beyond.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN:''' ''[replaying ''Flight To Egypt'']'' Every pixel in this game is a sin. First of all, I don't get the title. &quot;''Flight to Egypt''&quot;? You're not flying, you're riding on a donkey, or an ass, if you prefer. What airline is this? &quot;Ass Express&quot;? ...And yes, I know the word &quot;Flight&quot; doesn't necessarily mean aviation, but, hey, it's a fucking joke. Your only attack is this embarrassing, dinky little kick which can't harm anything, unless it's right up in your ass. Or I should say, your ass's ass, not your ass that's sitting upon the ass.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN:''' And... that's it? Did anything else happen? Did the angel say anything? Did the sight of the angel make Joseph sick in his stomach? Did the donkey stalk them in their sleep? What happened? I assumed that I pressed the button by mistake and actually cancelled out the rest of the ending, but no, I've actually beaten the game multiple times just to try and solve this mystery and the same thing happens! It just stays on this screen until you press something, and then it returns you to the main menu. But I'm aware that the last screen is supposed to be playing text that says &quot;Give your heart to Jesus,&quot; but I'm not seeing it so I'm assuming that I'm supposed to beat all 3 games to see the true ending, and I'm not going through all that trouble, although I will give my heart to Jesus. (The Nerd physically rips out his heart and holds it out.) OH JESUS!

== Season Seven ==

=== [[w:Arnold Schwarzenegger|Schwarzenegger Games]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' I'm back. And so is [[w:Arnold Schwarzenegger|Arnold Schwarzenegger]] in [[w:The Expendables 2|The Expendables 2]] I can't wait to see that! In the 80's and 90's, nobody kicked as much ass and coined as many catchphrases as he did. And now that he's comin' back to do a little more acting, I think it's an appropriate time... to look at some NES games based on his movies. NES, a console so influential in the side-scrolling action genre. Now pair that with one of the biggest action movie stars, and... you have a match made in heaven. How could you go wrong? (nervously gives a dorky smile) Uh, I don't know. (Chuckles) Uh, Take this game for example: ''[[w:Total Recall|Total Recall]]''. I remember my first time playing it as a kid. It was a Friday night, my homework was all done, my mom took me to the video store, I rented this game, I took it home, man, I played it, and it just '''FUCKIN' ''PISSED ME OFF,''''' ''[gritted teeth]'' '''''AND RUINED MY WHOLE GODDAMN WEEKEND!'''''

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:'''The Nerd''': I've already talked about the ''Terminator'' games and they suffered the same fate. The first Terminator had some of the worst controls in existence. The only way to fire the gun is to crouch into this gun mode and jumping around requires extreme accuracy. The second game was a monotonous button masher where enemies take a thousand punches. And there were platforms you can't jump on, like some kind of prank!

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing &quot;Last Action Hero&quot; on NES]'' It uses cutscenes with images taken from the movie, but they look like garbage. The contrast is so intense you can't even tell what you're looking at. What is this? A dead fish? A porcupine's back? Oh, it's the top of some guy's head. Damn, it looks like the NES just vomited all over your TV screen. How does it look this bad? I know this is only 8-bit, but I've seen much better. Even with ''Total Recall!'' Arnold's face on the title screen actually looks like him. Hell, even the ''E.T.'' game on Atari 2600 actually looks like E.T. On the title screen at least, but, God, ''[stutters]'' I can't talk about that game.

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[after playing &quot;Conan&quot; on NES]'' Who'd wanna play it anyway? I'd rather have a Sasquatch sit its ass on my face and shoot diarrhea down my throat! I'm dead fucking serious. What a shitload of fuck. What were they thinking? ''[he drinks Rolling Rock]'' And you know what the worst part about it is? I don't think it's really supposed to be based off the ''Conan the Barbarian'' movie. Just the character. So it's not really a Schwarzenegger game, and I just wasted my fucking time.

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:'''The Nerd''': All right, one last game, one last chance for the Schwarzenegger NES library to redeem itself: ''[[w:Predator (film)|Predator]].'' How could this be bad? It's fucking Predator. You look at the cover and think &quot;Yeah! This game's gonna be awesome!&quot; This is a real man's game. This game will turn you into a sexual tyrannosaur. Like me. ''[puts the game in the Nintoaster as the screen shows the game that Arnold wears pink]'' Is he wearing pink? Why'd they put him in pink? Did they see the movie? He doesn't wear pink in the movie. That's not an appropriate army color. I don't know. Maybe he's in pink to stand out from the dull graphics. The graphics are as ugly and dirty as this game's mom. This game sucks so bad the enemy soldiers commit suicide. In addition to the enemy soldiers, you must also face scorpions which you can stand on and they take you for a ride. But only the green scorpions. What, you thought you could ride on a red scorpion? What are you, crazy?

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:'''The Nerd''': This is another one of those games where the music doesn't stop when you pause. Even worse, if you press any button while paused other than &quot;Start&quot;, you will self-destruct. This ''can'' be handy, if you find yourself stuck somewhere, due to faulty game design. Like, here. I'm stuck in the damn rocks. So, rather than working out the bugs, they decided to include a suicide button. This is dangerous, because whenever the game's paused, you have to be careful not to hit the wrong button. Don't pause it, and then, pass it to your buddy whose thumb accidentally touches the &quot;A&quot; or &quot;B&quot; button, and kills off your last life fast than you can say &quot;Oops!&quot;. Another major inconvenience is that every time you die, you have to make sure to pick &quot;Continue&quot;. If you pick &quot;Start&quot;, your game is forever lost, and you have to go all the way back to the beginning. And sooner or later, when you keep playing this long enough...you're gonna make a mistake. It doesn't help that they put the cursor ''on'' &quot;Start&quot; by default. And you can't select by pressing the D-Pad. You have to use the &quot;Select&quot; button, which is right next to the &quot;Start&quot; button, increasing your risk of fucking it up. ''That'' is some sadistic bullshit.

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:'''The Nerd:''' This game blows ass, sucks duck cunt, fucking shit munchin' bunch of pile of... poop.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' ''[gets killed]'' '''''Fuck!''''' All right, c'mon. C'mon, c'mon c'mon. ''[he accidentally selects &quot;Start&quot; instead of &quot;Continue&quot;, and is shocked]'' Oops. ''I hit Start?'' ''I hit Start... '''I gotta go all the way back to the beginning.''''' ''[The Nerd shakes his controller and screams in rage]''  '''''AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!! FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-- SHIIIIIIIIIIT!!''''' ''[chokes himself with the controller]'' '''''FUUUUUUCK!! DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN!! AAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSS! YOUR MOTHER! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!''''' ''[drinks Rolling Rock]'' That's it. I'm seein' red. I'm gonna beat this fucker '''''right now!'''''

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:'''The Nerd:''' Oh, my God, I'm so fuckin' mad I could take a chainsaw to a fuckin' baby's neck right now! I could kick a baby pony! Out of my way, I'm gonna fuck you up. Fuckin' game, I'm gonna fuckin' kill it! [grunts] Your mother! Your father! Your uncle! Your uncle! ''[growls]'' Yeah! Yeah, I'm at the final boss! And-- And it's a... big Predator head that looks like Casey Jones from the ''Ninja Turtles.''
:'''The Nerd:''' C'mon, fu-fu-fu-fu-fu-fuck-- shit! ''[grunts]'' Shoot the bastard, come on! You stop shootin' that shit at me, I'm gonna fuckin' kill you! I'm gonna fuckin' kill you! See, I'm not playin' around. I'm not '''''FUCKIN' AROUND HERE!''''' ''[growls]'' '''''I'M NOT...FUCKIN' AROUND!'''''
:''[eventually defeats the first phase of the boss]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Ooh, the mask is off now. ''Now'' it's serious. Now it's fuckin'... ''[grunts]'' ...fuckin' fuck time! Oh, my God, I gotta fuckin' win before I have a heart attack!
:''[defeats the boss]''
:'''The Nerd:''' ''[shocked and happy]'' I did it! I did it, I won! I beat ''Predator!'' Oh, man. Ooh, boy. ''[exhales and reads text]'' &quot;Congratulations. You have survived.&quot; ''[deep sigh]'' Barely! ''[throws the NES controller.]''

=== [[w:Ghosts 'n Goblins|Ghosts 'n Goblins]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': Happy Halloween. And guess what I have here? I was doing an autograph signing not too long ago, and one of my fans hands me this piece of paper. It's a petition to review ''[[w:Ghosts 'n Goblins|Ghosts 'n Goblins]].'' Yeah, he went through the line and got everybody to sign it. Now, what's there to say about ''Ghosts 'n Goblins?'' Well, it's not a bad game. It's made by Capcom so how could it? But, it's one of the most difficult games in the NES library. This game is harder than fossilized triceratops turds! I'm talking Mega Man combined with Castlevania, that kind of hard. Games this ruthless and unforgiving should be illegal. And I never got a petition to review any other game. That's a true testament to the game's legacy and the internal frustration that scarred us all since childhood. I remember my first time playing it: I got it for my birthday, the same day I got my NES.
:'''Young James''': You wanna play ''Ghosts 'n Goblins?''
:'''Young April''': Yeah, I do!
:'''Young James''': Look!
:'''Young April''': I do!
:'''The Nerd''': Of course I had the ''Super Mario Bros./Duck Hunt'' combo cartridge, but the first game I attempted was ''Ghosts 'n Goblins.'' That's right, this is the first NES game I ever played. And that's one Hell of a game to start with.
:'''Young April''': Go on, shoot 'em, shoot 'em!
:'''Young James''': I don't know how!
:'''The Nerd''': Naturally, I got my ass kicked. This is what it would've looked like my first time playin' the game. I sucked balls. This new console was way different than the Atari 2600 I was accustomed to. In the 80's, these were the kind of brutal-ass games that kicked us into shape and heightened our senses. Made us into fuckin' tigers. And now, 25 years later, I'm gonna put my gaming skills to the ultimate test, and see if I can finally beat this fucker. Because, it's Halloween. There's no excuse. I can feel in the air. The time is right to play some Ghosts 'n Goblins.
:''[The Nerd inserts the game and thunder claps and lightning flashes]''

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:'''The Nerd''': It begins with one of the most shocking intros in video game history: A couple just got done having sex in a cemetery. I'm not even kidding! What else does it look like? He's not even wearing clothes! Next thing, Satan shows up as if saying &quot;Yeah, I want to get in on some of that!&quot; and takes her away. That's the plot. Is that the greatest opening to an NES game or what?

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[after getting killed by Satan]'' And now you're stuck with that shitty shield. Don't even try. You can't kill the Unicorn with the shield. It doesn't work. If someone else wants to try it, go ahead. You need the knife. So now, you gotta go ghostbusting. Kill those fucking ghosts until one of them drops a knife. Again, it's at pure random. So, expect to run the timer out a few times. And by this point, those annoying squeals the ghosts make will nearly drive you to break the fucking TV screen. ''[ghosts make squealing noises and the Nerd mimics it]'' '''''OH, SHUT UP!!!'''''
:'''The Nerd''': Finally, when you get the knife back, you can try the level again. ''[The Nerd is fighting Satan]'' C'mon, c'mon, c'mon! I'm gonna do it! ''[dies and exclaims with frustration]'' '''''FUCK!''''' ''[to the Jack O' Lantern]'' '''WHAT'RE ''YOU'' LAUGHIN' AT?!'''
:'''The Nerd''': You know that feeling you get when you ''almost'' beat the level, and you want another shot right away? You have that adrenaline going, and you want to start again immediately? Well, you can't. You gotta go wait for the fucking knife to come back. So, you'll never get two tries in a row. You know what? I'm sick of it! I've been playing this fucking game since the 80's. I gotta beat it! I need closure on this. I need to end this chapter on my life. This chapter of...not beating Ghosts 'N Goblins. ''[he barely beats two Satans as he gasps in joy]'' I did it! I beat two Satans! In my underwear!
:'''The Nerd''': Final boss: The Devil! Notice how I'm walking backwards. So, it's now in one-on-one fighting mode. Kinda like a certain other Capcom game. ''[gets hit and exclaims]'' Come on! My mother throws bigger fireballs than that.
:''[The Nerd defeats the Devil and is shocked but relieved]''
:'''The Nerd''': You know what? I don't try to be cocky or anything but... '''''who's the man?''''' I just beat one of the hardest games of all time! I bet you didn't think I could really do it, but [[w:Dawn of the Dead (1978 film)|I got this, man. '''''I GOT THIS BY THE ASS!''''']] ''[notices text on the screen]'' &quot;This room is an illusion and is a trap devisut by Satan. Go ahead dauntlessly! Make rapid progres!&quot;? ''[starts again from the beginning of the game and is horrified and speechless]''
:'''The Nerd''': You have to beat the game twice? ''[chuckles sarcastically]'' You have to beat the game twice in a row. That's just great because this time I'm ''[angrily]'' '''''TWICE AS FUCKING PISSED OFF!!''''' Beat the game twice. I'll show you twice. After all that hard work, who would want to do that shit again? It's like building a house and when you're finished, you tear it down just to build it one more time. &quot;Oh, yeah, we could've made 12 stages, but instead, let's just make six and make people have to play the game twice.&quot;
:'''The Nerd''': All right. I'm gonna get the good ending this time. It better be good, whatever it is. It better be something awesome for goin' through the game twice. All right. '''''All right!''''' ''[beats the game again]'' '''''YEAH! I did it!''''' ''[reads the ending screen]'' &quot;Contraturation. This story is happy end. Thank you. Being the wise and courageour knight that you are you feel strongth welling in your body. Return to starting point. Challenge again!&quot;?
:''[The Nerd is angrily speechless, and rage builds up inside him, and tries yelling &quot;Fuck!&quot;, but can't.]''
:'''The Nerd''':  Curse! Curse, Goddamn it! ''[grunts]'' I used up all my &quot;Fuck&quot; points during the last 107 episodes. ''[sighs]'' I don't have anything new. I gotta rely on the old tricks.
:''[The Nerd starts fighting the Ghosts 'N Goblins cartridge Final-Fantasy style]''
:'''The Nerd''': All right. Let's try the cluster F-Bombs. Fuck this fucking piece of shit fucking shit fucker game!
:''[Ghosts 'n Goblins attacks the Nerd]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[grunts]'' Uh, gotta go for the Precision F-Strike. ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, how this game lures you in with its appealing gameplay, and charming atmosphere, and then ''[angrily]'' '''BENDS YOU OVER AND ''FUCKS'' YOU TO HELL!!'''
:''[Ghosts 'n Goblins attacks with diarrhea blast]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[exclaims]'' All right, how about some Wordplay? Alliteration. Feast on some fried fuck-farts! Assonance. What's up, you dumb fuck-tuple mother-humpin' muppet-fucker's uncle?! Uh, Rhymes! Suck on this muck, you run amuck fucked-up, uh, mandarin duck.
:''[The Nerd misses and Ghosts 'n Goblins attacks with blizzard of balls]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[groans]'' Alright, when all else fails, it's time for the Atomic F-Bomb!
:''[The Nerd roars and the 8-bit word flies toward the screen]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[roars]'' '''''FUCK!!!!'''''
:''[Loud explosion kills Ghosts 'n Goblins]''

=== Atari Sports ===
:'''The Nerd''': Most of the video games I talk about are... action games, sidescrollers, games that are in the realms of fantasy. But, there's a huge, huge following for games based on sports. And I get a lot of requests for that, and I'm not really a big fan. Because, I don't know, I-I guess I like fantasy games more because it's something that you couldn't do in real life, whereas a sports game you ''could'' go outside and play sports. It's possible. Not for me, 'cause, I don't know anything about sports; I'm a fuckin' nerd.

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:'''The Nerd''': Football; Don't even get me started. And I'm not talking about the kind of football where they actually ''use'' their foot. I mean the kind where they slam into each other, like a bunch of barbarians! ''[he pounds his fist into his hand as he grunts]'' What I don't understand is why everything is always &quot;bowl&quot;. What, like a toilet bowl? Okay, I know at least what the Super Bowl is. It's the most anticipated football game in the season. And with so much testosterone and high energy going around, why is the halftime show always some pussy pop group? '''''GET METALLICA IN THERE OR SOMETHING,''''' it doesn't make any sense!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Alright. Back to football video games. ''Madden, Madden, Madden.'' ''Madden '91! Madden '92, Madden '93, Madden '94, Madden '95, Madden '96, Madden '97, Madden '98, Madden '99, Madden 2000, Madden 2001, Madden 2002, Madden 2003--'' '''''Who the fuck is John Madden anyway?!''''' He doesn't even look like an athlete! What is it with football? Everywhere you go, football! Go there, football! Football, football, football. Like, what the fuck? Sunday Football, Monday Night Football, Thursday Night Football, Football on Thanksgiving, Football on Christmas, and out of all sports, it's the one everyone goes fuckin' ape-shit over! '''''Makes them act like fuckin' maniacs!''''' ''[screams and crushes Rolling Rock can with his head]''

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[sighs in relief]'' Man. I gotta calm down. All right. If I'm gonna play some sports games, I gotta start with the Atari 2600. Yeah! This is when sports games were fucking sports games. Look at these titles; Baseball, Basketball, Football, not this ''Madden'' shit.  Just plain-ass, normal, everyday, no question about it, no NFL, no year, not named after a player, not named after a coach, not named after the referee's pet goldfish, no quarterback, dime-back, [[w:Nickelback|Nickelback]], simple, ordinary, un-embellished, unmistakable, crystal clear, as frank as Frankenstein, as blunt as an atom '''''BOMB,''''' one compound word, ''it's motherfuckin', goddamn, sons-of-bitchin', fuck, fuck, fuckin' '''FOOTBALL!''''' ''[growls and slams the cartridge into Atari 2600]'' And it's one of the worst games I've ever played in my life. Are these football players, or are they stormtroopers? Are they wearing helmets, or are these microwaves on their heads? Is it Team White vs. Team Naked? Is that a crowd noise, or is it the sounds of the ocean? Is that the entire field? Yeah, it is. And it's surrounded by... water, it looks like. Yeah, it's like an island. It's Football Island. ''[chuckles]'' In other words, Hell. I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna make it... Yeah. yeah...! ''[scores a touchdown]'' '''''TOUCHDOWN!''''' ''[screams then tackles the camera]''

=== [[w:Ikari Warriors|Ikari Warriors]] ===
:'''AVGN''': Here's another game I've had a personal grudge with since I was a kid. ''[[w:Ikari Warriors|Ikari Warriors]]'' on NES. Let's pop this fucker in and I'll show you how it goes. Two guys, tugging at their crotches, march up to the title, fire their guns around at nothing, and then you pick one or two players. Well, I'm not getting anybody to play this shit with me. So, I'm going solo like usual.

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:'''AVGN''': An average game of ''Ikari Warriors'' lasts about five minutes. But you're in luck, there's a code. A-B-B-A. It brings you back to life. ''[dies]'' Oop. I'm dead again. A-B-B-A. ''[dies again]'' ABBA. Get used to that, you're going to be doing that a lot. ''[dies a third time]'' A-B-B-A.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''' ''[commenting on the slow nature of the gameplay]'': It's not horrible, it's just tedious as fuck and with one player, this is gonna take all night. I need a second player.
:''[The Nerd looks over to the end of the couch, behind which is the skeleton of Kyle Justin, complete with his fedora and a guitar. He nods to the camera, then gets up and walks over to the skeleton.]''
:'''AVGN''': A-B-B-A.
:''[Kyle slowly comes back to his human life form. Once he does, he sees The Nerd and groans in disgust.]''
:'''Kyle Justin''': [groans] I guess somebody needs a favor.
:'''AVGN''': Yeah. I need your help, to beat a game.
:'''Kyle Justin''': Let me-- let me guess. A shitty game?
:'''AVGN''': Yeah, a shitty game. ''Ikari Warriors''.
:'''Kyle Justin''': Yeah, I know that game.
:'''AVGN''': Oh yeah?
:'''Kyle Justin''': Yeah, I know what you could do with that game too.
:'''AVGN''': Uh huh.
:'''Kyle Justin''': Yeah, yeah. You take the game, and you take your ass cheeks as well, and you just open them up really wide, and you grease up the game and just shove it up your ass! I'm not helping you. Besides, you never play my theme song anymore.
:'''AVGN''': Yeah, the theme song. And I thought people were getting tired of that.
:'''Kyle Justin''': You thought wrong.
:'''AVGN''': Yeah, ''[to camera]'' I know. Alright, so if we do the theme song, will you play the game with me?
:'''Kyle Justin''': Fine.
:'''AVGN''': Alright. Let's do this. Play the song. 
:''[Kyle cracks his knuckles.]''
:'''Kyle Justin''' ''(playing scales on his guitar and singing)'': Do-mi-so-mi-do...
:'''AVGN''': Play the song. ''[Kyle clears his throat]'' Play the fucking song! ''[Kyle moistens his lips while getting spittle on the Nerd, then sings the theme song as the Nerd pantomimes frustration]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Okay, ''Ikari Warriors''. You know what &quot;Ikari&quot; means?
:'''Kyle Justin''': What?
:'''AVGN''': Anger.
:'''Kyle Justin''': Do you know what &quot;Warrior&quot; means?
:'''AVGN''': &quot;Warrior&quot;? No.
:'''Kyle Justin''': Brave soldier or fighter?
:'''AVGN''': Brave soldier or fighter.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Kyle Justin''': So who is this guy? Rambo?
:'''AVGN''': Well, if that's Rambo, who's the other guy?
:'''Kyle Justin''': Arnold Schwarzenegger?
:'''AVGN''': Which movie?
:'''Kyle Justin''': ''[[w:Commando (film)|Commando]]''.
:'''AVGN''': That'd be a fucking awesome movie! John Matrix and John Rambo, together at last! Of course it'd be &quot;Rambo and Commando'&quot;. Say that three times fast.
:'''AVGN and Kyle Justin''': Rambo Commando Rambo Commando Rambo Commando!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''(Just after entering Level 2, The Nerd and Kyle come up to a point where Kyle's character has become stuck inside a rock.)''
:'''AVGN''': You're not stuck. Stop fooling around. Get outta there.
:'''Kyle Justin''': I'm trying!
:'''AVGN''':...you're really stuck. ''(Begins lobbing grenades toward the rock)''
:'''Kyle Justin''': Just kill me.
:'''AVGN''': I'm...I'm trying!
:'''Kyle Justin''': No, kill me for real.
:'''AVGN''': Wait, wait, just wait for one of these missiles to come. ''(The enemy missile hits the rock and obliterates Kyle's character.)'' Alright. We're back in business now. ''(The Nerd then sees what happens next and gets a look of shock on his face; Kyle's character still cannot move)'' Oh, shit, you respawned inside ''another'' rock!
:'''Kyle Justin''': I've had it with this fucking game! I'm gonna blow my fucking brains out! 
:''(He picks up a Zapper, puts it to his head, and pulls the trigger. He flashes on screen four times, then disappears.)''
:'''AVGN''': ''(turns to where Kyle was sitting)'' A-B-B-A!
:''(This time, Kyle comes back to life with part of his body stuck behind the couch.)''
:'''Kyle Justin''': Aw fuck!
:'''AVGN''': You're right. Having two players doesn't help much.
:'''Kyle Justin''': Get me outta this couch, you damn Nintendo dork!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Yeah, made it to Level 3. And ''finally'' it looks different! But the music's still the same. Anyway, it looks ''so'' different it's like you stepped out of the jungle and into ''[[w:The Twilight Zone (franchise)|The Twilight Zone]]''. Look at all the white chocolate bars and scrotum guns.
:'''Kyle Justin''': ''[singing]'' White chocolate bars and scrotum guns. ''[stops singing]'' Wait, I don't remember the episode with the scrotum guns, but [[w:Nightmare at 20,000 Feet|the one with the gremlin on the wing]] was pretty good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Kyle Justin''': ''[singing]'' It's the game of life.&lt;br&gt;A, B, B, A.&lt;br&gt;It will bring you back today if you want it to.
:''[The Nerd has died again and is frantically trying to punch the code in.]''
:'''AVGN''': A-B-B-A! A-B-B-A! Fuck!
:'''Kyle Justin''': ''[singing]'' It will save you today...
:'''AVGN''': It didn't save me now!
:'''Kyle Justin''': ''[singing]'' and bring you back to life...
:'''AVGN''': Apparently near the end of Level 3, A-B-B-A stops working.
:'''Kyle Justin''': ...didn't save him today...
:'''AVGN''': Okay, so here's what we're gonna do. First, we're gonna use Game Genie to get infinite lives. ''[puts the NES Game Genie with the cartridge attached into the Nintoaster]'' Then we're gonna use a stage select code; that way we can go back to Level 3 and continue our fucking game. You can find the code in the classic book ''[[w:Jeff Rovin|How to Win at Nintendo]]''. Nowcheck out this code: &quot;right before the title screen, press: up, down, A, A, B, left, right, A ,B, up, A, down, right, right, left, B, up, left, A, right, B, left, right, A, left, up, A, down, A, right, left, B, select.&quot; ''[pauses incredulously]'' '''WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!?! Why's the code have to be so fucking long?''' And according to this you have to punch in the code before the titlescreen comes up!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': (after he tries to enter the code) So, I'm faster than greased lightning now. I can pull off the whole code before the title screen comes up, but turns out the book was wrong. To ''really'' find how to do the code you check out the VHS tape, &quot;Secret Video Game Tricks, Codes, and Strategies&quot;. Yeah, I used to rent this fucker from the video store all the time. But anyway, the real way to do the code is ''during'' the title screen, not ''before'' it. Let's try again. (enters the code during the title screen)
:'''Kyle Justin''':  ''(singing)'' Up, down, A, A, B, left, right, A, B, up, A, down, right, right, left, B, up, left, A, right, B, left, right, A, left, up, A, down, A, right, left, B and start.
:'''AVGN''': So here we are, back in level 3.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Anyway, the last stage is as hard as fuck. I hate these guys that swim under water. You cant shoot them when they're submerged, and they're too fast to outrun. What are these, human beings or fucking torpedoes?
:'''Kyle Justin''': ''(singing)'' Throw milk at them, just try it, might work.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Now let's see how bad this ending sucks.
:'''Kyle Justin''': ''[singing to the tune of the AVGN theme song]''
:'''You have accomplished'''
:'''the mission.'''
:'''You are the very prevailer'''
:'''that protect right'''
:'''and justice.'''
:'''I would express my sincere.'''
:'''Thanks to you.'''
:'''Take good rest!'''
:'''General Kawasaki'''
:'''AVGN''': Get back behind the couch.
:'''Kyle Justin''': ''[still singing]'' He's the Angry Video Game Nerd.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''Kyle Justin's &quot;Scrotum Guns&quot; song, version 1''
:'''We might be past the scrotum guns&lt;br&gt;But I haven't forgot them&lt;br&gt;'Cause they are so hairless&lt;br&gt;Where did their hair go?&lt;br&gt;Ooh, where did their hair go?&lt;br&gt;Where did their hair gooo?&lt;br&gt;Where did their hair go?'''

=== [[w:Toxic Crusaders (video game)|Toxic Crusaders]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Why's there always gotta be bats?!
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': Bats, th-these aren't bats, Nerd, these are cats with wings! When-when I was a teenager at Tijuana, I-I had some pussy with wings. ''[AVGN smiles and snickers before covering his face with his hands]'' And-and-and th-that's what it's all about, man! ''[AVGN laughs offscreen]''
:'''AVGN''': Yeah. How do you like this? World 2-4, World 2-5, and we're still going. And it's a portable console! You can beat Super Mario Land at a time--
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': ''[Interrupts the Nerd]'' Wh-What are you talking about?! You want something to, uh, take a long time to beat?! Would take me a long time to beat off to Justin Beiber, man! And uh...
:'''AVGN''': ''[nods in agreement]'' Takes a long time.
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': Long! My penis is pretty damn long right now! ''[AVGN snickers offscreen]'' And I'm... I'm not even flaccid.
:'''AVGN''': Look at all the &quot;Z&quot;s on the fence. That's exactly how I feel when I play this game. ''[Lloyd Kaufman yawns as he falls asleep with the controller in his mouth]'' ...Like going to sleep. ''[AVGN glances at him and nods]'' Alright, alright, okay, okay, okay, okay!
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': ''[suddenly wakes up and hallucinates]'' Ah, where am I?! ''[whimpers as he twiddles with the SNES controller]''
:'''AVGN''': Alright.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Well, as you can see, you can tell it's another beat 'em up game. So what do you think of that chopper? Why's it have so many colors?
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': Well, uh, the chopper is made out of a tie, man. And it's tie dye. That's why it is those many colors. ''[AVGN shakes his head before he and Lloyd Kaufman struggle over the controller]'' Give me that! Give me that! I want that!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': What 'bout the music? Couldn't they have something more upbeat and action-packed? ''[volume of background music from Toxic Crusaders for Sega Gensis increases]''
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': I love it. I love it. I...It makes me want to strip, Nerd. ''[actually removes his coat along the music while AVGN quickly glances and shakes his head]'' I wanna take my clothes off.
:'''AVGN''': Okay, okay, okay!
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': Ah, I love this music.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&gt;
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': ''[having such difficulty playing]'' Fuck! Jumpin' Jesus on a... fuckin' pogo stick! Fuck! Dick! Quack! Weewee! Doodle! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuhh!
:'''AVGN''': And that's what happens when we go from the movie, to the show, to the game - it's like putting a golden egg on a mountain of shit, and then you roll it down and it gets shittier and shittier and shittier. By the time it gets to the bottom, it ain't the same. ''(to Lloyd)'' And look; that's your name on it! That's your name on this game!
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': I spit on my name! ''[makes spitting noises]''
:'''AVGN''': What you created that's great got transformed into a mutated anomaly that'd make the Pope weep. They made a mockery of your shit, man! What're you gonna do about it?!
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': What am I gonna do about it, what am I gonna do about it?! I'm gonna shit on this, I'm gonna take a huge dump, here I go, and I had baked beans for dinner! (removes the cartridge from the Nintoaster, and puts it on the floor) You want shit, you shitty fuckin' game?! Well, here it comes, here it comes! ''(drops his pants and lets loose shit as the Nerd watches in horror)'' You shitty shit game, how'd ya like that?!
:'''AVGN''': UGH, IT'S NASTY, OH, GOD, OH! ''[his stomach rumbles and he pukes on the pile of shit as Lloyd laughs insanely]''
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': Ah. That'll teach you, you fuckin' game.

=== [[w:Bill &amp; Ted's Excellent Video Game Adventure|Bill &amp; Ted's Excellent Video Game Adventure]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': What happens when you take an 80s comedy film like ''[[w:Bill &amp; Ted's Excellent Adventure|Bill &amp; Ted's Excellent Adventure]],'' and turn it into an NES game? Two guys are struggling to pass their history course, so they go back in time in a phone booth to get the aid of famous historical figures. It's dumb, but it's great entertainment, and a video game adaptation seemed like a good idea. It had fun characters, time travel, and adventure. So how could you fuck it up? You wanna know? ''[Metal rock music plays as the Nerd reveals the LJN logo.]'' ''That's'' how.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Who are these &quot;time rebels,&quot; and why do they want to do this? Well, guess what. They're never referred to again. Yeah, they're just for your imagination. ''[a thought bubble with the time rebels appear]''
:'''Blue-Haired Rebel''': Man, wouldn't it be funny if we put Thomas Edison in Ancient Egypt? ''[chuckles]''
:'''Green-Haired Rebel''': How about Galileo in the Jurassic period? ''[they both chuckle]'' We're assholes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So where is Rembrandt? You can explore this whole land, but you won't find him anywhere. That's because you need to lure him out, with bait. What is he, a fucking fish? The bait can be any random object. There's four of them hidden on each stage; one of them will make Rembrandt appear in one of the random houses. How do you find this bait? You wanna know? Guess what? By jumping into things! ''[the Nerd jumps into a tree, and falls]'' This game treats you like an idiot. Like, &quot;Hey kids, you wanna play a Bill &amp; Ted game? Well, here you go! Go jumping around into fucking bushes and fences! That'll keep you busy! Have fun!&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Fuck the townspeople, fuck not knowing where to go, I'm gonna get the power. Nintendo Power! ''[searches for a Nintendo Power magazine as he jumps and falls]'' Wasn't there. ''[jumps and falls again then finds a Nintendo Power magazine]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': The correct item is supposed to be something that would belong to this historical figure, and here is where the game could've been somewhat educational. But instead, it's a joke. For example, for Julius Caesar, you're supposed to give him salad dressing. ''[fake laugh]'' For Thomas Edison, you're supposed to give him a compact disc. Yeah. Let's not change history, by the way. For Cleopatra, a credit card. For Elvis, a gravestone. Here you go, Elvis! Here's your fucking gravestone! You're gonna die! For King Arthur, the Holy Grail. Yeah. Entire stories have been written about finding the Holy Grail; you're going to find it by casually slamming into a bush or fence. Just a little side quest. For Jesse James, an Uzi. You're going to give Jesse James a fucking Uzi? You're going to give a notorious outlaw a more contemporary weapon! Yeah, just help him out! Might as well give, I don't know, Vlad Tepes an atom bomb? Anyway, I give Rembrandt the Paint Roller, and he says, &quot;Let's party.&quot; That's exactly what he'd say. He also mentions that he'll pay for the call. &quot;Of course, here's some coins for your phone booth time machine from the future.&quot; And now, we have to go through the damn time circuits again. ''[a phone booth time machine runs into a pink skull, and The Nerd runs out of coins]'' My coins ran out. Didn't that motherfucker say he was gonna pay? ''[stage restarts]'' Aw, great! I have to roam around this fucking stage again, looking for coins? I've had enough.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': I'm losing my faith in the NES library. Was there ''any quality control here,'' you know, that-that, um, seal of quality, did that mean ''anything?!'' Did anyone look at these games before they dumped them in the back of every KB's and Toys &quot;Я&quot; Us?! How many of these games are worthless?! '''''All the LJN ones, I can tell you that,''''' but there ''are'' good games here, ''there are!'' ''Zelda,'' ''Mario,'' ''Metroid,'' ''Contra,'' ''Castlevania,'' ''Mega Man,'' '''''but then, A BIG FUCKIN' SHITSTORM HIT IT! A SHITSTORM OF HORRIBLE GAMES! And at the middle of it all, a rainbow! A rainbow of shit! LJN! And Bill and Ted...might even be...THE WORST LJN GAME ON THE NES!''''' It doesn't just have some &quot;flaws,&quot; there's no good and bad. This game is ''all bad.'' Like, I'm impressed! How did they do it? How did they make it so bad? Bad doesn't even describe it! It's disgraceful! It's ''putrid!'' In fact, I even looked up the word &quot;putrid&quot; in the dictionary. There's no definition. '''It's just a picture of ''Bill and Ted'' on NES!''' Curse this fucking game! Curse the plastic that encases this dung heap! Literally, it's a plastic shell '''''filled with shit! IT'S FUCKIN' SHIT!''''' ''It's... it's ass, it's garbage...'' And that's it, good night.
:''[walks off screen for 2 seconds, before coming back]''
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, wait, I forgot to mention as a matter of fact, it also sucks monkey fuck, and it's a worthless pitiful pile of ''snot-dripping, pus-bubbling, '''wet, steaming mountain of buffalo butt dump,''''' and mere descriptions can't even describe the '''''inane lack of common sense''''' that even a ''child'' would possess when making a game with chalk on a sidewalk. I can't even come up with a description that's foul and '''''disgusting''''' enough to even come ''close'' to this rancid abomination. Can't describe it. I'm done; For real this time.
:''[walks offscreen for 7 seconds, and returns]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[yells]'' '''''THIS GAME IS DIARRHEA COMING OUT OF AN OLD WOMAN'S BLEEDING VAGINA! IT'S FUCKIN' TERRIBLE! WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!''''' ''[angrily]'' I know; They ''weren't'' thinking.

=== [[w:Tiger Electronics|Tiger Electronic Games]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': Tiger, on the other hand, continued well into the 90s. In fact, I remember these things being more common in the 90s than ever. They kept pouring obsolete games into stores, and we were still buying them. They wouldn't die off! They were like cockroaches! By giving people a cheap alternative, they managed to coexist with the Game Boy. Yeah, this Tiger definitely rose up to the challenge of its rival, had the guts, got the glory, went the distance, now it's not going to stop! It's literally a Survivor!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Tiger games were so outdated they were never ''in''-dated! They were a fad, like Pogs! If they were an experiment in the 70's and they only made a few of them, then I could accept that. But no, they milked these things for all that they're worth! You thought LJN was the grand champion, the almighty shitty game factory? Tiger put LJN to shame! Sure, LJN laid down turd after turd after turd, but Tiger was like a machine gun ass shitting out turdturdturdturdturdturdturdturdturdturdturd! These are the worst games I've had the honor of playing, if you can even count them as video games! People have discussions like &quot;Are video games art?&quot; or something like that. Well, I have a better one: are Tiger games video games? These are a caveman's version of video games! These were a step back in human evolution! These are the most desperate attempt at entertainment! You could save up for a Game Boy, or just go ''[mimics playing a game with the sound effects]''. Yeah, well ''[mimics game sounds to motions of jerking off and flipping the bird]''! Just what the hell? How did they waste so much plastic to make these things?! It brought the game industry down as low as it could go! It's proof that Jesus died in vain and legally changed his middle name to Fucking! The only thing I could think of to use these things for is to wipe your ass with it! You might as well save that toilet paper! It's worth a whole lot more! ''[he drinks Rolling Rock]'' But I'm not done, am I? Oh, no. I've actually gotten into this point. It's time to talk about the wrist games. ''[he holds up a Tiger wrist game and groans disgustedly]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Now check this out: Batman Returns, the wrist game. Oh, boy... (The Nerd tries to open it) Wait, I can't get it open. Good. God, I hate this shit! You know... You know what's bullshit?
:''[The Bullshit Man appears as &quot;You Know What's Bullshit&quot; theme song plays and the Nerd looks in shock]''
:'''The Bullshit Man:''' '''YOU KNOW WHAT'S''' '''''BUUUUUUUUULLSHIT?!''''' ''[gives the Nerd a pair of scissors]'' Packaging that you need scissors to open! Even with the scissors, it's still a pain in the ass. Why's this plastic so fucking strong? This stuff is bulletproof. Nobody wants this shit, so why do they do it? They use it on everything! This kind of packaging should be outlawed! Why does it still exist? I especially &quot;love&quot; when you buy scissors and you need scissors to open the scissors. What fucking idiots think this is a good idea? They don't care. By the time you're having this problem, you already bought it. Packaging like this is bullshit. ''[leaves]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Thanks, Bullshit Man. ''[looks at the Tiger wrist game and sighs]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing the Batman Returns wrist game]'' Wow, look at how badass this game is. Yeah, this is the hot shit right here. You'd be so cool going around wearing this thing. Yeah, you'd be walking around school with this thing on, and everybody else is talking about what the new hot video game system is going to be. ''[scoffs]'' Nintendo 64? The Bit Wars? ''[chuckles]'' 64 bits. 32 bits. 16 bits. 8 bits. 4 bits! 2 bits! 1 BIT! HALF-BIT! QUARTER-BIT! ''[shouts hysterically]'' '''THE WRIST GAME!!!''' And you thought that was it for Tiger, huh? Handheld games, wrist games, Tiger ''(computerized voice)'' Pokémon Walkie Talkies?! Yeah! That's not enough? Well, how about '''a whole fucking Tiger game console?!''' In 1997, this was Tiger's belated answer to the Game Boy. You'd think it was called the Game-Dot-Com, but it's actually the Game.com.
:'''Game.com bootup voice''': GAME.COM ACTIVE.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': So, that's the Game.com. Needless to say, it flopped, especially with Nintendo dominating the portable gaming market. So, hey, why not just follow whatever Nintendo's doing? That mentality is what brought us what I think, so far, is the worst video game console I have ever played: the R-Zone. This is basically a shitty version of the Virtual Boy. Yes, I said that, as if the Virtual Boy wasn't shitty enough. Just look at it! What planet did this thing come from?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Just when you thought the most sorry, pathetic excuse for a video game was the Tiger wrist games, oh no. ''[points to wrist game]'' Imagine playing one of these, up close to your eye in red-and-black. ''[shot of the gameplay from the R-Zone's ''[[w:Batman Forever|Batman Forever]]'' game]'' '''GOOD LORD!''' You thought I was kidding. But it's true. This actually happened. Unlike the Virtual Boy, which causes eyestrain and headaches within minutes, this thing does it immediately!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I love how the advertisements always show a kid playing it. Look at his expression. He's horrified, and in the commercial, the kid's screaming in agony!
:'''Rodger Parsons (Pokémon Narrator):''' You better not blink.
:'''Kid''': ''[screams]''
:'''Rodger Parsons (Pokémon Narrator):''' Indy 500 roars into the R-Zone!

=== [[w:Alien 3|Alien 3]] ===

:'''AVGN''': It's the Halloween season again, and I can't miss the occasion to celebrate by torturing myself with another assanine game! Alien³ on NES, based on the movie. The first movie, Alien, was like a slasher film set in outer space; the second movie, Aliens, brought the action genre into the mix and gave it a wider mass appeal. It made a huge impact on not only film, but video games. The concept of shooting down hostile aliens, fighting for survival, was perfect for video game adaptations. It's no wonder why so many games like Contra and Metroid were influenced by the Alien movies' art style and their feelings of solitude, confinement and claustrophobia. Can you even count how many games blatantly ripped these movies off? The first two Alien movies were masterpieces, but the one we got on NES was the bastard sequel, the unholy 3 that had mixed reactions: some people like it, some people don't. It's not a terrible movie, but it's not great either. But, you know, I'm not gonna get all into right now. Monster Madness. So let's take a look at the game. Is this good enough for Halloween? I mean Alien³ is a horror movie. Is this scary enough? (He notices the LJN logo on the cartridge. The lights dim to a flickering red as the film's signature Nostromo self-destruct sirens blare.) Okay, now it just got fuckin' scary!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Quality ass? QUALITY ASS? That sums up the whole thing. There is no quality assurance with this shitload of fuck. This game is as much fun as a witch's cunt. It's a shame that there was never a good Alien game on NES. Oh, wait. Actually, I take it back. There were some good Alien games on NES. They're called Contra and Metroid! Yeah. You know, it's not the worst LJN game, I have to say, nor is it even that bad of an NES game. It's playable, as much as the movie is watchable. Huh. Maybe that's what they were going for. In that sense, they got it right. It may not be a pile of goat puke-smothered buffalo diarrhea, it's just a pile of goat puke; hold the buffalo diarrhea. I don't even know if buffaloes get diarrhea. But it pains me to know that there's still more LJN games out there, and I just can't take it. I can't fuckin' take it anymore! (He leaves. Cut to the ending scene where he jumps off the platform and falls into the lava pits below. He cries out in agony as the Cinemassacre logo bursts through his chest.)

=== AVGN Games ===
:'''The Nerd:''' You know, there's been many games based on the ''Angry Video Game Nerd.'' Which is me. Yeah. All these years, while I've been busy playing shitty games, people have been making games about myself. There's been so many games about me, I can't even keep up. Unlike the majority of games I've ripped apart, these ones were made by independent game developers, usually single-handedly, all by themselves, and hopefully they will have growing careers and aspire to make better games than a whole company of Laughin' Jokin' Numbnuts ever could. ''[referring to LJN.]'' Another thing that makes these games different from the games I usually play, is that I have to play them on a computer. ''[The Nerd looks at the Commodore 64.]'' Hmm. ''[shrugs his shoulders.]'' Well, anyway, the first AVGN game I'm gonna look at is: ''The Angry Video Game'' by Eric Ruth. This was the first AVGN game that ever came to my attention back in 2008. You might be wondering: what took me so long to get around to it? Well, the answer is simple: That's how long it took to load it on my Commodore 64!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''8-Bit Nerd:''' ''[a tombstone appears where the 8-Bit Nerd died, with only the word '''&quot;FUCK&quot;''' on it.]'' I'm dead! Fuck!
:'''The Nerd:''' Is that going to be my epitaph? ''[camera zooms in on tombstone]'' '''''&quot;FUCK&quot;?''''' 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' The weapon is the worst thing of all. The beers fly in an arc, so, you have to get in the right spot to calculate the trajectory, and everything blocks your aim. Fuck, fuck! I can't hit this fuckin' fish! '''''Fuck! Dah!''''' These beers are like the rock in ''Friday the 13th,'' and I already told you how bad that is. ''[his eyes widen in horror, as he looks at the screen]'' Oh, no. Is that why the game was designed this way? All the random enemies and all those things, it's because those are the kind of things I complained about. '''''This game is all my fault.''''' ''[groans in disgust]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' It takes a lot of extra effort to put a game on a real cartridge, so how could you resist ''AVGN vs. Dr. Wily'' by ABOhiccups? 
:''[the screen scrolls up along a skyscraper, exactly the same as in Mega Man 2's opening.]''
:'''The Nerd''': It's gonna be me, isn't it? It's gonna be me. ''[a sprite of The Nerd is on the top of the skyscraper, instead of Mega Man.]'' Yeah, that's me!
:'''The Nerd''': So basically, it's ''Mega Man 2,'' but instead of Mega Man, it's me. I'm in ''Mega Man 2,'' one of the best games ever made, and I'm ''in'' it! If I could've foreseen that as a kid, I would have shit my pants. The other difference is that the levels are redesigned to be way harder than the original game.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': After the tutorial, you get a selection of stages. Clearly, it's the largest AVGN game yet. I'm using an Xbox controller, and the controls feel 100% fluent. There is no doubt about it: this is a legitimate sidescroller; proving that the genre is still alive and strong. We don't even need to go back to the past, we're still in the past. And why is the music so ''fuckin' awesome?''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': The death screen always generates a random quote, saves me the work of trying to come up with something. Let's try ''Dungeons &amp; Dickholes.'' ''[in-game Nerd descends a ladder, and the next screen scrolls down to reveal an impossible death trap, shocking The Nerd]'' '''''Now''''' this is going too far. When I came up with this idea during my Super Pitfall episode, I didn't know somebody would actually create this exaggerated death trap. I can't even blame anyone but myself. ''I'' came up with this! What was I ''thinking?!''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': And at the heart of it all, the final boss, my arch-nemesis. It's, '''''it's'''''...Fred Fuchs. ''[spelled &quot;Fred Fucks&quot; in-game.]'' It's the programmer, motherfucking Fred Fuchs. Finally, I get to kick his ass! Yeah, fuck you, Fred Fuchs! ''[growls]'' '''''FUCKS YOU, FRED FUCH!''''' ''[screams, and beats Fred Fuchs as he grunts]'' Got 'im! ''[in-game Nerd's text says, &quot;Oh shit, Game Land is falling apart!!&quot;]''
:'''The Nerd''': Whew! I feel like I played every bad game I ever played, all at once. And now others are playing it, because of me! It's like I shared all my horrible experiences. It's all my fault! '''''FUCK THIS GAME!'''''
:''[he Nerd imagines the many ways he's destroyed previous game cartridges. He moves in to strangle the Commodore 64, but stops once he realizes he can't destroy the game like that. Instead, the Nerd types a delete command and deletes the game once and for all, with a heavy, satisfying mash of the Enter key as the Commodore's screen reads: '''*FILE DELETED*.''']''
:'''The Nerd''': Take '''''that,''''' game.

=== AVGN Wish List (Part 1) ===

:'''AVGN''': ''(on Where's Waldo)'' It's as if the pages of the book have been chewed up, digested, and shat out an 8-bit ass! How can you find Waldo in ''this?!'' WHERE THE FUCK ''IS'' WALDO?! ''He'' doesn't even know where he is!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%:&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(after he plays the NES version of Where's Waldo)'' Imagine buying this piece of shit for 50 bucks. Nowadays, releasing a game this short would never be excusable. Well, anyway, we have a lot more games to get through, so stay tuned for Part 2. I'm gonna go get the games. ''[he walks around in different directions like Waldo in the cutscenes]''

=== AVGN Wish List (Part 2) ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''The Three Stooges.'' This has always been a huge request. I've dreaded this moment for a long time. ''[powers on the game, which displays the title screen for Ghostbusters II]'' What? ''Ghostbusters II?''
:''[The Three Stooges walk onto the title screen, and stop in front of the Ghostbusters logo]''
:'''Curly''': Hey, fellas. We're in the wrong game.
:'''Larry''': Hey, this looks like a kid's game.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[smiling]'' Now, ''that's'' funny.
:'''Moe''': You imbeciles!
:'''The Nerd''': I've always been a big fan of ''The Three Stooges,'' but the game's charm ends right after the title screen.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': [reviews ''[[w:Home Improvement: Power Tool Pursuit!|Home Improvement]]''] How do you take a family sitcom and turn it into a video game? Well, the plot starts out with Tim &quot;The Toolman&quot; Taylor on the set of his show, Tool Time. Remember the show within the show? So, his tools go missing, and he has to go onto the sets of other shows to find them.
:'''The Nerd''': I'd give this game a better chance if I could read the instructions. The instructions might help, right? Yeah, guess what, there is none. Technically not. The manual opens up to a fake sticker printed over the pages that says &quot;'''REAL MEN DON'T NEED INSTRUCTIONS'''&quot;! Very funny.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing [[w:Pit-Fighter|Pit Fighter]] on SNES]'' As a kid, I never made it past the second guy. Even as a rental, it only made for about fifteen minutes of play-ability, if that, before ya turn it off and take it back to the video store. And I know it ''has'' to give you your health back at some point, but I've just made it to the fourth opponent, and still, they don't give you any health back. ''This is the worst Super NES game I've ever played!'' Worse than [[w:Super 3D Noah's Ark|Super Noah's Ark 3D]], worse than [[w:Shaq-Fu|Shaq-Fu]], worse than [[w:The Wizard of Oz (1993 video game)|Wizard of Oz]], worse than [[w:Lester the Unlikely|Lester the Unlikely]]! I am dead fucking serious! Even B-mode [[w:Double Dragon|Double Dragon]] was better than this, and that was on NES. Sure, it gets monotonous, and awkward at times, and you can only play as the same characters fighting themselves, but, it has much more fluid control and is ''way'' more fun than Pit Fighter.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[after he plays [[w:Bubsy 3D|Bubsy 3D: Furbitten Planet]] for the PlayStation]'' Most of the games I own are junk. I'm hoarding junk! '''''I SURROUNDED MYSELF WITH FUCKING GARBAGE!''''' ''[sighs]'' All right, one more game, and then it's Happy Holidays and good fucking night. Let's end with ''[[w:Spider-Man and Venom: Maximum Carnage|Spider-Man: Maximum Carnage]],'' on Super Nintendo. Everyone says I should play this one, as if I haven't already played ''enough'' Spider-Man games. They're all '''''terrible!''''' But, maybe this one's okay. After all, I'm not sure how I missed it, because it's one of the only Super NES games that's red. Anyway, let's give it a try.
:'''The Nerd''': Well, the comic book cutscenes are, quite nice. The gameplay? Well, it's a beat-em-up game. Monotonous, but fun. The controls are responsive, and the hit detection works fine. The sound effects are good, the punches and grunts you hear all lend themselves to the fun, stress-relieving nature of these kind of games. It just feels good when you hit things. You can climb up on buildings, which offers some variety and breaks up the monotony. It can be a little frustrating, but not too bad. And the music is upbeat and energizing.
:'''The Nerd''': And what do I hear? ''[&quot;The Mob Rules&quot; by Black Sabbath plays]'' It's ''The Mob Rules,'' by Black Sabbath! I don't mean it just sounds similar, it's the '''''same song,''''' just a 16-bit rendition. It even does the solo! ''[16-bit rendition of Black Sabbath's &quot;The Mob Rules&quot; solo playing]'' I think it was just a rip-off, and that they never got Black Sabbath's permission, but it's still welcome to hear and adds to this games' enjoy-ability.
:'''The Nerd''': That's right. I found a good Spider-Man game. Better late than never. It's no masterpiece or anything like that, but it would have definitely been worth a rental at the very least. Who made this game?
:''[The Nerd turns over the box, revealing that is was published by...'''LJN!''' The Nerd's eyes widen in shock, and he drops the box in happiness realizing that LJN pulled through and published a decent game for once!]''
:''[&quot;White Storm Dam&quot; plays]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[in shock and happiness]'' My God. Oh, my God. '''''THEY DID IT... THEY PULLED THROUGH!'' OH, MY ''GOD!'' THEY MADE A GAME... ''THAT'S NOT A STEAMING PILE OF FUCKIN' SHIT!'' OH, MY ''GOD!'' THEY DID IT! THEY MADE A GAME THAT'S NOT SHIT!''' I found a gold, at the end of the rainbow-- Oh, maybe it's not gold, maybe it's bronze or somethin', but... '''''THEY MADE A GAME THAT'S NOT SHIT! IT'S NOOOT SHIIIIIT!'''''

== Season Eight ==
=== [[w:Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing|Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing]] ===
:'''AVGN''': This time, we're not gonna go too far back into the past. Only to 2003 with a PC game called ''[[w:Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing|Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing]]''. I usually stick to consoles, and I ''don't'' usually do games from the current millennium, but this is a huge request. I've been told countless times that it's one of the worst, if not ''the worst game'' ever made, but I'm sure that's an exaggeration. It just looks like a generic mediocre racing game with trucks. And it's from the new millennium, well after the pioneering days of gaming, after the ETs and Jekyll and Hydes, after the advent of quality control, so how bad could it be? Let's find out. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''[upon first experiencing the games lack of collision detection and physics]'' Soooo...what are the complaints here? This is ''awesome!''
:'''AVGN:''' &quot;Big Rigs: Over The Road Racing&quot;. &quot;Over the road&quot; is right! It's my way or the highway, and the highway ain't got shit. Oh my god...

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I'm not trying to find glitches! It just so happens that the ''whole game'' is a glitch! Look at this picture here; the hill turned into nothing, the tail lights are flying off the truck and this bridge is hovering over thin air! The support beams are ''so'' close to touching the ground, but don't. ''(His truck is pushed up through a bridge and he sees his opponent standing still)'' The fuck was that? Oh, by the way, that's the computer opponent who's still at the start line. Never moved. I'm literally running circles around him. Y'know, I kinda forgot I was in a race here. That ''is'' the purpose of the game. It doesn't matter which stage you're playing. The opponent always stalls at the start line and never moves an inch. You can spend the whole time driving through buildings, over mountains, and under bridges, and still win the race. What kind of challenge is that? Have you ever heard of a video game where you can't lose? How did the programmers ''forget to make the trucks move?'' Let's see if I can merge the trucks into one. (He tries to line his truck up with the opponent) Here we go. Eh, eh... ''(He succeeds)'' Yeah! That's some fine work. ''(He drives off and makes a whoosh sound)'' 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': This is the most unstable game I've ever played in my life. And would you believe, that the copy I own is ''a more recent'' version of the game? Yeah. The version that most people have played is commonly found on the internet, and is even ''less'' functional! In this version, one of the stages doesn't even work. If you try to pick this stage, it crashes the whole game. Not that it's any loss. It looks the same as any other stage. The truck you're racing against doesn't do anything different. It still sits there, waits for you to lap it and cross the finish line. Here we go. ''(He crosses the finish line, and the game text reads: &quot;YOU'RE WINNER!&quot; He looks at it in shock and snorts, and begins snickering.)'' Oh, no. No. ''(laughing uneasily)'' Oh, no! No! ''(continues laughing)'' &quot;You're Winner&quot; is the kind of stuff that turns horrible games into legend. It's the cherry on top the diarrhea shake. It's already been a popular internet meme for many years, but in the packaged version of the game that I own, it's been corrected to &quot;You win.&quot; Disappointing, I know.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': But there's at least one other version of this game, a newer one - version 3 as far as my knowledge goes - but anyway this one has a major advancement. ''Really'' big. Check this out; the other truck moves. Wow. No fuck. It's like we're actually having a race here. I'm gonna let him win just to see what happens. I hope it says &quot;You're a lose&quot; or something like that. Here we go. ''[Crosses the finish line, &quot;You win&quot; screen pops up. The Nerd looks in confusion]'' What happened?! How did I win?! Apparently, the other truck driver just decided to stop a little short. In other words; you can't lose! Why did they bother to release a new version if they didn't even fix the most basic thing?! But hey, the truck moves! So maybe this improvement pushes the game into the... pre-alpha stage. At best!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': These monumental blunders distract from all the regular flaws which would already be enough to fill any shitty game; most of the stages look similar, there's little variety, there are no sound effects other than the engine of the truck, the tail lights are fixated on the back of the trailer doors and they look like someone made them in Photoshop with a basic brush tool! Want me to prove it? ''[Creates tail lights exactly like the ones in Big Rigs in Photoshop]'' There you go. The street is always breaking up like the Glitch Gremlin paved over it, certain light posts are given strange colours that stick out from the rest of the game, the [[w:Arc de Triomphe|Arc de Triomphe]] appears twice in a row in a geographically inaccurate area, the trucks are referred to as &quot;cars&quot;, the &quot;Ultranav&quot; points you get from crossing checkpoints don't always go in order - what the fuck is &quot;Ultranav&quot; anyway? The timer goes outside the box and on top of all that the box that the game comes in is a '''complete lie'''! Never do the police chase after you. Maybe if that was just the front artwork, that would be excusable, but the back says, &quot;You'll be hauling loads and trying to stay one step ahead of the law.&quot; &quot;Deliver your load to its destination.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': What are they talking about? That never happens! Oh, no, no, I stand corrected. This game &quot;delivers a load&quot; all right - '''load of fucking shit'''! I'll deliver a load '''all over this fucking game'''! It's not even a game. It doesn't count as a game. If it were a game, you could lose. But you can't! It's nothing but win! &quot;You're winner!&quot; It's like the game feels sorry for you! [He drinks Rolling Rock]

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': This is not even ''close'' to a finished game - if you can call it a game. It's the '''worst game ever made'''! And I've played a lot, what is this, episode 118? So that is a big statement, but I'm '''DEAD FUCKING SERIOUS'''. It isn't as frustrating as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, no no, it's not as bad of an experience as that, but in terms of functionality, this is an all time low.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': You can't release something that's not finished! Who looked at this? I mean, who looked at THIS and thought, &quot;Yeah, that's OK. Put that out.&quot;? There's credits, which suggest that actual human beings were behind this. More than one. What were they thinking? Why would anyone want their name on this thing, and did any single one of them look at this and think &quot;Maybe there's still some work left to do?&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': By the year 2003, wouldn't there have been some kind of quality control? Even the worst games from the 70's had some playability. I would have assumed that Big Rigs was just some test game. Some kind of demo that a college student made, not an actual game that got sold in stores. It-it couldn't have been sold in stores. But, apparently, it did. This is the box. It came in a box! And it was rated by the ESRB! Someone from the ESRB looked at this game and gave it a rating! I know it's not their job to judge the quality of the game, but somebody looked at this and thought &quot;Wow. This is '''shit'''. But, E.&quot; Imagine buying this game, thinking it's gonna be a cool racing game, then you bring it home and play it and you get this. It's like a cruel prank. They should've recalled this game and gave out refunds. Imagine advertising this sort of thing. Imagine putting a commercial on TV for this shitload of fuck. I wonder what it would've been like. Hmm. (He imagines a TV commercial for &quot;Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing.&quot;)

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Mock advertisement, featuring gameplay footage, over the top production and a heavily tattooed James Rolfe wearing sunglasses, acting as a trucker]''
:'''Trucker''': Hey, kids! Strap yourself in for some action packed racing!
:'''Voice over''': It's Big Rigs!
:'''Trucker''': Eighteen wheels of thunder, and we've got '''trucks'''! Yeah... trucks!
:'''Voice over''': Big Rigs!
:'''Trucker''': Off-road traction! More power for non-stop driving action!
:'''Voice over''': Big Rigs!
:'''Trucker''': Over the Road Racing! Under the road, over the road, who knows?
:'''Voice over''': Big Rigs!
:'''Trucker''': Never lose a race again, You're always winner!
:'''Voice over''': With '''Big Rigs'''!
:'''Trucker''': Engines equipped with quantum phasing molecular mechanics to pass through solid objects so as to not interrupt the racing experience! '''Nothing''' stands in your way!
:'''Voice over''': When you're '''Big Rigs'''!
:'''Trucker''': Rear spinning tires with warp-drive velocity for interdimensional exploring! Leave the game behind and exceed the boundaries of existence!
:'''Voice over''': '''Big motherFUCKin' Riiiiiiggs'''!
:'''Trucker''': Drivin' around in fuckin' trucks!
:'''Voice over''': '''BIIIIIIIIG MOOTHHHERRRRRFUCCCCKIN' RIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGS'''!!! Big Rigs.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Well, there's one last thing left to find out. How fast can you go in reverse? Let's push the limits. (He drives in reverse, gaining speed quickly) The truck's fucking the ground. (The Nerd feels like he's traveling the speed of light, and the truck's engine noise becomes high pitched. He covers his ears) That noise! That noise, how high can it go?! [[Spaceballs|Light speed! Ludicrous speed! We've gone to plaid.]] (Screams wildly) '''''I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! WE GOTTA STOP!''''' (Releases the reverse key as the chair flies back, crashes into the video room) Oh, shit, oh, shit, oh, shit!

=== [[w:Penn &amp; Teller's Smoke and Mirrors|Desert Bus]] ===

:'''The Nerd''': The manual (and yes, there is a manual) says &quot;No, it's not an oversight. Does your life have a pause control?&quot;
:''[The Nerd chuckles weakly, groans angrily and is about to drink a Rolling Rock, but puts it aside]''
:'''The Nerd''': I'm drivin'. ''(hangs an air freshener on the camera)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[using a clamp to hold down the A button, just like in The Terminator (NES) episode]'' How do you like ''that'' trick, Penn &amp; Teller? If you can't beat the game, let the game beat itself.
:''[The Nerd walks away, and the bus is still driving, gradually veering off the right side of the road. The Nerd returns and sees what is going on]''
:'''The Nerd''': What, what? The fuck?! ''[grunts and tries to continue driving the bus, but is unable to]'' It's stuck! The bus is stuck in the sand. ''[The Nerd looks at the screen at in disbelief and takes a deep sigh.]'' They made the bus veer to the right on purpose. ''[groans]'' They thought of everything. God damn you, Penn and Teller! 

=== [[w:E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (video game)|E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''E.T.'' on Atari 2600. To begin with, it's not a game you just pick up and play. Most games this generation were very simple. Shoot a bunch of aliens, climb to the top of the screen, stop missiles or chomp down all the pellets, but E.T. is an enigma. With all these random symbols appearing at the top of the screen and falling in holes all the time, it's no wonder why gamers did not understand how to play this game. You have to read the instruction manual. So, once you understand how to play the game... '''IT ''STILL'' FUCKIN' SUCKS!'''

=== [[w:Beetlejuice (video game)|Beetlejuice]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': You know, what I'd rather do is trap a bunch of beetles in a jar, smush 'em with a lemon squeezer, and drain their juice into a shot glass. And no, I didn't say anything about drinking it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': I think the game has more to do with the star than the movie; I mean the star in the sky, the real Betelgeuse. It's a red super-giant that's going to explode one day. Does that not accurately describe the feeling you get from playing this piece of shit? This particular star is always pulsating; it's so inconsistent that it's sometimes called the ninth brightest star in the sky, but usually the tenth. These fluctuations in inconsistencies are exactly what they were going for with the unpredictable nature of this game. When you're flying all over the place like a spring-loaded turd in a pinball machine, that's just like the star itself, how it's been speculated to have changed course at one time or another, possibly because a nearby stellar explosion, or in this case, a fuckin' bug. I mean, here we have a game where what exists outside the edge in the screen could take effect or not; the absence of visibility will result in death, whereas the existence of something harmful but not visible will still be in effect! Is it any coincidence that a game with no definable boundaries would have such a distinct relation to a star with optical emissions that vary, making it hard to define the photosphere? Or what about how the star is surrounded by a circumstellar envelope made up of matter that's been ejected from the star, kinda like a mass of bees coming out of a beehive, and making an outer field around the hive? Betelgeuse is part of the constellation of Orion. That's what the ancient Greeks viewed it as but of course today we all know that's actually a skeleton shooting a fireball. Why would Betelgeuse be on the shoulder? Well, quite simply, anyone who's played this game as a kid has a chip on their shoulder whenever you bring up the name! And at last the game was released in May. That's the same month when Betelgeuse can be seen over the western horizon after sunset for only a brief period of time. Likewise, it was Western US gamers who played this right after sunset when their homework was done, and it was only for a brief period before they threw it to the ground, beneath the horizon. So yes, I'm convinced the game was based on the star, and not the movie... or you could just say they fucked it up, and took too much liberty with the source material. 

== The Twelve Days of Shitsmas ==

=== 1. [[w:Colorful Dragon|Tagin' Dragon]] ===
:'''AVGN''': Well, it's Christmas time, again, already, and that means... more shitty games for me. And I have a pretty big pile here, thanks to all you. All requests, a despicable dozen, and we are going to savor these juicy turds one day at a time. Because this is the 8th Christmas since I first started doing these Christmas specials, so we're going to do something a little different, a little excessive. 12 Days...of Shitsmas.

=== 2. [[w:ALF (video game)|ALF]] ===
:'''AVGN''': [After he opens a present] Oh no, it's ''[[w:ALF (video game)|ALF]]'' on the Sega Master System. Of course, it's based on the TV sitcom from the '80s. I used to love that show, just for the fact that the star character was a puppet. Ah yes, the loveable Alien Life Form &quot;ALF&quot; or Gordon Shumway who crash lands on Earth and lives with the Tanner family, not the Tanners from Full House. The goal is to collect special items to get his spaceship working so he can leave Earth and go home, along the way, having to avoid FBI agents who are out to get him. This is all strangely reminiscent of E.T. on Atari 2600. (Zoom in on an FBI agent) These guys are creepy, they look like pedophiles, perverts, child molesters. The way they're dressed in stereotypical trenchcoats and grabbing at the air, as if saying &quot;Come on ALF, I got some candy. I don't wanna hurt you, I just wanna... grope your little alien ass.&quot; (The FBI agent follows ALF into the kitchen) GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN YOU FUCKING SICKO!

=== 3. CrazyBus ===

:'''AVGN''': There's no goal unless you can see how high you can rack up the score. In other words, how long can you hold the D-Pad for! You like that game? You don't even need the game, just the controller and a timer! It would be more fun to stare at the wall! I have a whole new appreciation for Desert Bus! Big Rigs is more exciting than this shit! This broke the shit scale. This is a whole new higher level. First there's poop, then there's shit and then there's...DEFACATION!!

=== 4. [[w:The Ren &amp; Stimpy Show: Fire Dogs|Ren and Stimpy: Fire Dogs]] ===

=== 5. [[w:The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle and Friends (video game)|Rocky and Bullwinkle]] ===
:'''AVGN''': '''''EAT THIS, BITCH! YOU DON'T WANNA FUCK WITH A MOOSE THROWING BOMBS!'''''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Well there you have it, Rocky and Bullwinkle. Shitty game, shitty graphics, shitty music, shitty everything! Fucking big, clumsy moose! Bullwinkle, (Does a Bullwinkle impression) I'm Bullwinkle! '''MORE LIKE BULL FUCKING SHIT!'''

=== 6. [[w:List of Mary-Kate and Ashley video games|Mary-Kate and Ashley: Get A Clue]] ===

=== 7. [[w:V.I.P. (TV series)|V.I.P with Pamela Anderson]] ===
:'''AVGN''': This is a scumbag's idea of a game. &quot;Let's get some slutty girls and give 'em guns, huh huh!&quot;

=== 8. [[w:Lethal Weapon (video game)|Lethal Weapon]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Let me give you some advice. Never play a movie based game. You know why? Okay, okay. They FUCK you with the movie games! They FUCK you, they FUCK you! They know that you're going to buy the game and by the time you play the game and realize that you got fucked, it's too late. They don't care! And after fucking you, they fuck you some more. Who got fucked? The ones who bought the game. The ones who rented it were the lucky ones. They fuck you with the graphics, fuck you with the music, fuck you with the gameplay, they FUCK you, they FUCK you, they FUCK you! Walk off screen to select the character. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard of. That would be if I just walked off screen right now and somebody else came in.
:''[AVGN leaves the room and Mike Matei comes in the room to take his place]''
:'''Mike Matei''': I'm getting too old for this shit. ''[starts playing]''

=== 9. [[w:Porky's|Porky's]] ===

:'''AVGN''': What an experience Pee-Wee had. Can you imagine the story he has to tell? &quot;I was walking down the street. Narrowly avoiding a speedboat, a submarine on wheels, a parade of naked Dr. Seuss characters, a rabbit pig and dudes in cars. I fell down into a pond where I swung around on a pole and build a ladder up into a girls locker room shower with this weird blobby ghost tried to grab my dick. I DROPPED A BUNCH OF PYRO EQUIPMENT DOWN THE SAME HOLE THAT LEADS TO THE POND BUT SOMEHOW ENDED UP ON TOP A BUNCH OF SCAFFOLDING WHERE I WENT UP AND FINISHED IT ALL UP WITH A '''BOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!'''&quot; And that's why you gotta love Atari.

=== 10. [[w:HyperScan|HyperScan]] ===

:'''The Nerd: '''And yes, he just turned into a cheeseburger.

=== 11. [[w:Universal Studios Theme Parks Adventure|Universal Studios Theme Parks Adventure]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Universal Theme Park Adventure on Gamecube. A game based on a theme park, that was based on movies by Universal Studios, the giant movie making machine that made some of the greatest films of all time. From the classic monster movies of the 30's and 40's to the Spielberg masterpieces like Jaws, E.T. and Jurassic Park. Over the years, Universal Studios has celebrated its movie legacy by slowly converting its Hollywood studio location into a big amusement park for the public and destroying film history. You know the opera house set from the classic Phantom of the Opera that stood on Stage 28 for 90 years? Destroyed. The oldest surviving movie set in history gone over night to make way for a Harry Potter ride. But hey, Universal Theme Park was still a lot of fun. You know in the Back to the Future DeLorean and then there's volcanos and shit and then you're riding the bike with E.T. and then the...the truck comes and almost hit you and then you're on the waterfall and...then the T-Rex comes out and then...and then fucking Jaws is jumping out of the water and King Kong shaking the tram and then there's earthquakes and then there's those other movies that you don't even know what the fuck they are, nobody cares! It was awesome! By the 90's, this whole theme park idea was so huge, they opened up a new one in Florida. This is when Nintendo helped advertised it in the movie, The Wizard and then in 2001, Nintendo start promoting it again with this game (the Nerd inserts the disk into the Gamecube and turns the Gamecube on) which I think, sounds awesome. What a great idea to take all these movies and put them into one using the theme park as a way to tie them altogether and on a new advanced console. How could you go wrong?

:'''AVGN''': Well, only one present left. [Looks at the left present] Wanna take a peek? Yeah, let's take a peek. [Picks the last present then reveals the LJN logo as he feels shocked.] '''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!'''

=== 12. [[w:LJN Video Art|LJN Video Art System]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': It can't be! (Opens a present then reveals ''[[w:LJN Video Art|LJN Video Art]]'') LJN made a video game console. It's already bad enough they already monopolized the genre of shitty disfunctional video games, but now, to make a whole fucking console. The biggest turd LJN ever shat. Let's take a look.

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:'''The Nerd''': Ooh, no, oh, no, oh, NO! Oh, I hate these. These things come from Hell! These are the devil's pitchforks that you have to screw on the back of your TV!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
''[Upon turning on the video game system, the game just blares static]''
:'''The Nerd''': Well, you have to admit, this sure has a killer soundtrack. Yeah, next time you're having a conversation about best video game soundtracks; Mega Man, Castlevania, no, tell them about LJN Video Art. I can see it right now like, &quot;Uh, how does that one go? I don't remember that.&quot; &quot;Oh, it goes like: ''[imitates static sounds]''&quot;
:'''The Nerd''': The game has no sound... This is a unique specimen, not because it doesn't have sound, but because it outputs white noise, so technically, it does have sound, but it's fucking static! This kind of shit is the reason the Mute button was invented. Yeah, so turn the sound off, put on some Witchfinder General, and while you're at it, put on a different fucking game!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So, this concludes this marathon of crap, 12 shitty relics from the ass of the past. Hope you enjoyed it. Enjoyed in a strange way, I guess. You know, why do we focus on the bad memories? Why are we sentimental over the crappy past? I don't know, but I do know that the things of yesterday that were worthless, you all found some way to give them worth. You've done this, I've done this, we've all found ways to just make the best of things I guess. Maybe you're having a good holiday season, or a bad one, or an indifferent one, whatever the case I just want to bring you some joy. I hope you got a laugh, or even just a chuckle, uh, because it's that time of year, where everybody... make happy. Be a comedian. With all sincerity, have a Merry Christmas, happy holidays in general, and I'll see ya in 2015. Get ready for those [[Back to the Future Part II|self-lacing shoes, hoverboards and flying cars!]]

== Season Nine ==

=== [[w:Hong Kong 97 (video game)|Hong Kong 97]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': I've been called upon to take care of business once again. Apparently, there was a game worse than [[w:Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing|Big Rigs]]. Worse than [[w:Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (video game)|Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde]]. Worse than ''CrazyBus'' or ''Desert Bus!'' It was known as Hong Kong 97, and I've been getting requests for it up the ass. The requests are so far up the ass, it's time to shit 'em out! The game was made for the Super Famicom in Japan. But never saw its way to the rest of the world. This is one title that we definitely didn't get on the [[w:Super Nintendo Entertainment System|Super Nintendo]]. It was made by HappySoft. HappySoft was most famous for making... Hong Kong 97, their one and only &quot;masterpiece.&quot; (scene switches to an animated scene of HappySoft, rising from a fiery pit, shitting out Hong Kong 97) On this one occasion, they rose from the depths of Hell, excreted this unholy turd onto the Earth, and then descended back to where they came. (scene cuts back to real life) Supposedly, the game was so horrible, it barely even came on the Super Famicom at all. Stores rejected it and its release status is a mystery. It's so rare that to this day, not a single cartridge or physical copy has shown up at all. I can't even find a picture of one. So the only way I can experience this game... is the same way as the rest of the Internet.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': [upon seeing the word &quot;fuckin'&quot; in the game's intro story] This can't be real. No. No. Somebody's pulling my leg! &quot;A herd of fucking ugly reds&quot;? Was 'a herd of ugly reds' too weak? Did they really need the F word to FUCKIN' drive home the FUCKIN' point? 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': One hit, and the game's over. Why would I expect anything more? ''[Sees the game over screen, a picture of what appears to be a real corpse, accompanied by the text &quot;Chin IS DEAD!!&quot;]'' No... oh, please! I hope that's not a real dead body. No, there's no way they'd have such bad taste! That's gotta be an actor. Or... we're looking at some guy who died on that date and time in 1992. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': The strange thing is that Deng Xiaoping actually died in 1997. The game...predicted the future. In fact, 1997 was the year the United Kingdom returned the rule of Hong Kong back to China. The movie, from '94, forecast this in the tagline: &quot;99 years of British rule are about to come to an end. Hong Kong will never be the same.&quot; The movie stars Robert Patrick, the T-1000 from Terminator 2: Judgment Day, and Judgment Day takes place...in 1997. Part of Deng Xiaoping's ear is sort of cut off, like when Mike Tyson bit off a piece of Evander Holyfield's ear in 1997. The car, I'm willing to bet, is a Mercedes-Benz, in which Princess Diana died in '97. And what was the year Coca-Cola launched Surge? '97. And it's no coincidence all my surge protectors were made in China. Rebooting the entire game after you die? Just like Symphony of the Night. '97. Jackie Chan, uh, Rumble in the Bronx, uh, the Bronx, New York City, the Big Apple... [gasps] The year Steve Jobs returned to Apple in '97. The unstoppable, unrelenting song is called I love Beijing Tiananmen, also known as I love Peking Tiananmen. Peking Duck is a famous duck dish from Beijing. [gasps] And Scrooge McDuck had his 50th Anniversary in '97! The game was such a titanic failure. [gasps] Titanic, the movie from '97! Why was this game's sole purpose to direct us to the number 97? Huh. Like the NGC-97 galaxy in the constellation of Andromeda, the princess Andromeda who was chained naked to a rock to be sacrificed to a monster. Like Princess Leia and Jabba in Return of the Jedi. [gasps] The Special Edition of Star Wars in '97! Ah, fuck, we're back again. Man, I'm just trying to get a final answer here, but I went full circle. Like the song that keeps looping. A game that keeps repeating. Maybe it's all about a cycle. An endless cycle. Old, shitty games that become new again. The past becomes the future, birth and death, on and on, it's the cycle of life. The game is the meaning of life! And the thing that keeps life going; Reproduction...and food...which becomes shit. The game is fuckin' shit. There.

=== [[w:Darkwing Duck (TurboGrafx-16)|Darkwing Duck]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''[searching for a game to review that would supposedly give enough material]'' I got it, ''[[w:Mad Max (1990 video game)|Mad Max]]''! It was made by [[w:Mindscape|Mindscape]], proving that not '''''EVERY''''' NES movie-based game was made by LJN. See - LJN was like a cat, and the NES library was its litter box. When the litter box gets too shitty... the cat shits somewhere else. '''''Now''''' I'm on track.

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[reviewing the aforementioned game]''  Well, ya drive around, ya run around shootin' people, ya drive, shoot, drive, shoot, buy stuff, drive and shoot. I '''''wish''''' it were LJN because they would've given me more to '''talk''' about!

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:'''The Nerd''': Call me an explorer; I've been searching for the '''perfect''' shitty game. And I've seen just about '''''EVERYTHING''''' at this point! But ya know what? I'm gonna do something that I've never done yet. And that is to review a game, on... ''[turns his camera to the TurboGrafx-16]'' ...the TurboGrafx-16. '''''Holy shit.''''' ''[The TurboGrafx-16 floats out to the camera.]'' The TurboGrafx-16 was developed by Hudson Soft and NEC. Its original name in Japan was the PC Engine, which sounds like a computer on a train. No wonder they changed it. The games came on cards, which was unique. It was '''technically''' the first 16-bit console, made to compete with the NES, but it was soon trampled by two titans, the Sega Genesis and the Super Nintendo. Yeah, you were either asking your parents for the Genesis or the SNES. The TurboGrafx-16 was the one nobody ''gave'' a shit about. It didn't have as many third-party game developers workin' for it, but the benefit of that was that it meant less shitty games! The TurboGrafx library is less ''contaminated'' than the rest. That's why it's taken me so long to get to it. There's no '''major''' stinkers that stick out. But I might've found one. ''Darkwing Duck'', based on [[w:Darkwing Duck|the TV show]].  remember the show, but I'm not overly familiar with it, which is a fair spot to be in. I have no high expectations, or low expectations. By now, I've played some of the most '''''HORRIBLE GAMES''''' that are humanly possible to make: ''Plumbers Don't Wear Ties'', ''Big Rigs'', ''Hong Kong 97''; I think I've set the bar too high, or too low, depending which way ya look at it. So now, let's go into some more sensible territory; let's get serious. Or should I say... &quot;Let's get dangerous&quot;?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Great! The game just began and they tease ya with an item that you can't get! There's ''gotta'' be a way... Oh - I see, ya bounce on the skateboarding penguins' heads. ''[turns to the camera]'' How can I be so casual when I say &quot;skateboarding penguins&quot;?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': It's not like I ''have'' to get the D; I don't even know what it does! But it '''''pisses me off!''''' I feel like an ass! I can't let that go! I feel like I've been fooled! It's like a '''test''' from the game programmers! A challenge! Like, you put that D there, and '''''I'm gonna figure out how you intend I get to it!''''' ... I give up. There's a whole game ahead of me. Fuck the D; the D can '''''suck my dick!''''''''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': I've been playin' on &quot;Normal Mode&quot;. I'm changin' it to &quot;Easy&quot;. Huh. &quot;Easy&quot; and &quot;Normal&quot;. Should be called &quot;Hard&quot;, and '''''&quot;FUCKING BULLSHIT&quot;!'''''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Don't you think there'd be a reason why the window is broken? Doesn't it look like I can hop down there? ''(Darkwing jumps up to the cable)'' How 'bout hangin' on the power lines? Darkwing is actually reaching up as if he could grab on! But it never happens! It '''messes''' with your mind! It's a psychological sucker-front! A facade! It's the equivalent of an open door that ya can't go in!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So much shit comin' at me! '''''SO MUCH SHIT!''''' ''[The Nerd falls below the platform and into a different level. He is shocked.]'' What the fuck just happened? It's like you make one wrong step, '''''you go to the dungeon, BITCH!'''''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''':  You can't duck and shoot. Great. Well at least you can duck. You '''''ARE''''' a duck. I dunno what kinda fucked-up duck can't fuckin' duck

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd: ''' ''(As the Nerd waits for a correct time to jump, a safe falls on Darkwing's head, much to the Nerd's dismay. The camera cuts to him looking shocked by this. He then gets an angry look before opening his mouth.)'' ''(Screams angrily)'' '' '''FU.....!!!!''' '' ''(this is interwoven with multiple clips of the Nerd screaming; the final shot is an explosion)'' ''(angrily)'' '''If you stand still for TOO long, a safe drops on you! Like the game is saying, ''&quot;FUCK YOU!&quot;'' ''' '''&lt;nowiki/&gt;''' Might as well just be a giant middle finger. And it should be the only part of the game in 3D! Put on your 3D glasses! Get ready! Set! Fuck you, kids!

:'''The Nerd: '''This '''''could've''''' been a decent game. ''Darkwing Duck'' is '''''NOT''''' one of those concepts that's doomed from the start. The show had elements of action, crime-solving and humor. It's been done well before! ''(Footage of the NES version of &quot;Darkwing Duck&quot; is shown)'' There was an NES version which was basically like ''[[w:Mega Man (video game)|Mega Man]]'' but with a duck. It was made by [[w:Capcom|Capcom]], who of course made the ''Mega Man'' games, and ''DuckTales''. '''Those''' all turned out great, so what happened here? The control isn't just bad, it's '''''uniquely''''' bad. In an indescribable way.

:'''The Nerd: '''Every game with bad control has its own feel, its own identity. Making bad games is an artform. It's a delicate recipe. Some are worse than others. It might be a massive truck load of elephant shit, or, a pellet of bird poop. To explain '''''exactly''''' how bad it is, I've invented &quot;The Shit Scale&quot;.

:'''The Nerd: '''It begins with &quot;Games That Are Debatably Bad&quot;. '''Somewhat''' good games, with ''serious'' flaws. '''''Not''''' part of the turd crust, but well within smell range.

:'''The Nerd: '''Then you get to the &quot;High Level of Shit Contamination&quot;. Games that are ''possible'' to play, but nobody in their right mind would.

:'''The Nerd: '''Then ya get into the &quot;Very High&quot; category which encompasses the majority of LJN games. This is where you could still survive, but you'd come out traumatized... for life.

:'''The Nerd: '''Next is the &quot;Severe Zone&quot;. This is for masochists only. These are games that could kill a person. '''''STAY AWAY. Don't even think about it!'''''

:'''The Nerd: '''Then we have ''Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde''. Enough said.

:'''The Nerd: '''Finally, at the '''''EXTREME''''' end of the scale, &quot;'''MAJOR CODE RED'''&quot;; we have games that don't even '''''qualify''''' as games at all. They shouldn't even be '''on''' the scale! But they are. And that's so you know to beware. '''''NEVER''''' play them, '''''NEVER''''' talk about them.

:'''The Nerd: '''So where does ''Darkwing Duck'' fall on the scale? I'd say somewhere around... here. ''(&quot;Very High&quot; category)'' Of course that means there '''are''' games that are worse, but from what I've seen so far, ''Darkwing Duck'' is the '''''WORST''''' game on the TurboGrafx-16. Being the worst at something is quite an achievement. I'm the fuckin' Nerd, I'll see ya next time. ''(The Nerd throws the game and grunts angrily)'' '''Nnrgh!'''

=== [[w:Seaman (video game)|Seaman]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': So what do you do in this game? Well, the instructions say: &quot;You are free to enjoy Seaman-&quot; ''[slaps the instruction booklet against his forehead]'' '''AW, NO, NO, NO, NOOOOOOO!''' '''IT'S SEA-MAN! SEA...MAN!''' Not ''semen.'' ''[awkwardly pauses for 2 seconds]'' '''AS IN JIZZ! SPLOOGE! MAN BAZOOKA JUICE!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Yeah, you wanna look cool? Put a Sega Dreamcast on your wrist with a TV and a gas-powered electric generator! You'd be so awesome! Let's play this.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Leonard Nimoy''': Then take the egg from the storage matrix...
:'''The Nerd''': Yeah. When he says &quot;Matrix.&quot;, he sounds like Galvatron.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[The Nerd watches in horror as the Nautilus thrashes around, bleeding out]''
:'''The Nerd''': Agh! Ah, that's repulsive!
:''[several Seamen spawn (Gillmen) come flying out of the Nautilus' corpse]''
:'''The Nerd''': ...Whooooaaaa... 
:''[one Gillman swims right up to the screen]''
:'''The Nerd''': GAH! OH, MY GOD! AHHH, GET AWAY FROM ME YOU MYSTICAL ANCIENT PHARAOH MOTHERFUCKERS! Ah! I gotta do it! I gotta do it for Nimoy! ''(gives the Vulcan salute)'' '''''FOR NIMOY!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[to microphone]'' Hello.
:'''Seaman''':''[sarcastically]'' Yeah. Hello. Whatever.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[to microphone]'' I just wanna talk.
:'''Seaman''': ''[sarcastically]'' Blahh, blahh, blahh. Happy?
:'''The Nerd''': ''[to microphone, annoyed]'' Yo, fuck-face!
:'''Seaman''': Let's be sure and get my name right, skin puppet. You're a pain in the fuck.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[to microphone, angrily]'' Suck my cock.
:'''Seaman''': Hey, Seaman don't play that.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[to microphone]'' I'll... (What can I do?) I'll tickle you.
:'''Seaman''': Are you coming on to me?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[to microphone]'' Talk, talk. Speak, speak.
:'''Seaman''': Bite me.
:''[the Gillman flings a viscous substance at the screen]''
:'''The Nerd''': Did he just take a fuck? 'HE JUST FLUNG FUCK AT ME!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Whoa. That's deep, man. But it's bullfuck! The game demands I play by its schedule. So, what am I gonna do to pass the time? Well, I guess I'll play this Famicom Disk game, which roughly translates to &quot;Explosive Fighter Patton&quot;. Why? Because people told me so; they keep feeding me this shit. Let's check it out. ''[inserts the disk. The screen says: &quot;TURN TO SIDE-B AND INSERT TO FUCKING BOX!&quot;.]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[stunned]'' No. No way! It's an official Famicom disk game that says the F-word! And this was in the 80s; this was before Hong Kong 97! '''''IT'S AN OFFICIALLY RELEASED GAME ON A NINTENDO CONSOLE...THAT SAYS &quot;FUCK&quot;! OH, MY GOD, MY LIFE IS COMPLETE! IT SAYS FUCK!''''' ''[shouting]'' '''''IT SAYS FU....'''''
:''[brief montage indicating the passage of time]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[continues shouting]'' O-oh, I forgot about Seaman! ''[turns Dreamcast back on]''
:'''Leonard Nimoy''': I regret to inform you that Seaman has passed away...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Seaman''': Hey, guess what we're doing over here!
:''[two Gillmen are interconnected; the Nerd is shocked]''
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, no, no, no-no-no, please, please! The Seamen are mating. And they felt the need to announce it; to make it known! There they are; staring you right in the face! I didn't even know one that was female. They both have a male voice. That's not... logical.
:''[the top Gillman sinks to the tank floor]''
:'''The Nerd''': It dies? It got fucked to death?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Seaman''': In general, would you describe yourself as a confident person?
:'''The Nerd''': ''[confused]'' Am I confident in myself? Well--
:'''Seaman''': You don't have to be perfect to still be able to like yourself, so tell me.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[lying on the futon like a therapist couch]'' It all started with my pet albatross.
:'''Seaman''': The most important thing is that your dad knows how much he means to you.
:'''The Nerd''': I just feel like...nothing matters, you know?
:'''Seaman''': ''[each line interleaving with one another]'' If you manage to glimpse the world through each other's eyes, you have to keep up with technology. What will your future be like? It's a natural result of the world's economy becoming no reality independent of observation.
:'''The Nerd''': I-I never thought of it that way.
:'''Seaman''': Human beings are the only animals smart enough to entertain itself in a complex way. ''[the Nerd nods in agreement]''

=== The Crow ===

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Nerd''': Look at this ugly, murky mess. I'm sure they were going for a dark, moody atmosphere and all that, but don't you think it's a little too dark? It's almost just a black screen with yellow and red pools of light. Looks like somebody bled and pissed all over the place, after smearing the camera lens with their shit after taking a bunch of Pepto Bismol.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
'''AVGN''': This game is worse than a Mischief Night prank! Mischief Night is throwing toilet paper all over someone's yard. This game is the equivalent of throwing toilet paper after you wiped your ass! It's as refreshing as a horse's anus! Fuck The Crow up its bird ass! And fuck you, you fuckin' clown-faced joker kiss makeup wearin' King Diamond Beetlejuice Alice Cooper Marilyn Manson motherfucker!!

=== [[w:Mortal Kombat Mythologies: Sub-Zero|Mortal Kombat Mythologies: Sub-Zero]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': C'mon, c'mon - oh, get the fuck outta my way - ''[a monk gets crushed by a moving pillar]'' AH-HA-HAH! YEAH! DID YOU SEE THAT?! I FUCKIN' SQUASHED THAT BITCH! ''[A pillar squashes Sub-Zero]'' FUUUUUUCCCCKKK!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Afterwards, you get a cutscene. This is where I should mention that the game was also on PlayStation. It's very similar, but the most noteworthy difference is that on the N64, the cutscenes are still images and text, but with the PlayStation version, since it was a CD-based console, it was able to have full motion video and audio.
:'''[[w:Scorpion (Mortal Kombat)|Scorpion]]''': I am Scorpion. You killed me in cold blood.
:'''The Nerd''': Um... Just stick to ''[[w:Mortal Kombat: Annihilation|Mortal Kombat: Annihilation]]''. 


== Season Ten ==

=== Mega Man Games ===
:'''The Nerd:''' ''[first lines]'' It's been 10 years since I first began broadcasting to you through the miracle of YouTube technology. And since then, I've been trying to keep up with the times. I've just finished upgrading my vinyl record collection to cassettes. And I got a new cell phone... ''[he holds up an old-style Motorola mobile phone]'' (Check it out.) ''[Nokia fanfare plays]'' ...and I finally got one of those new rectangular TVs. I've been reorganizing all my game consoles, new video switchers, working out all the bugs, new shelves, I can now get behind my game consoles to reach all the wires, and of course, the ability to play games in HD clarity. Yeah, hi-def. ''Yeah.'' Now let's play some 8-bits.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' BLAM! Shootin' shit, running around in your blue underwear! It doesn't get any better than this. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' ''Mega Man II'' is favored by many. It's considered to be one of the supreme examples of these types of side-scrolling action games. It's the one everybody knows. Just like another Capcom game, ''Street Fighter II,'' which revolutionized the tournament fighter genre. I guess you can say Capcom made the best number twos.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Explosions! Dialogue! '''EXPLOSIONS ''AND'' DIALOGUE, AT THE SAME TIME!''' ''[Shouting]'' '''''OH, MY GOD!!!'''''
:''[Explosions occur in the Nerd's room with some dialogue saying &quot;This is Hunter Base. Do you read me? Are you all right? Any damage?&quot; interrupting for a brief moment then explosions resume while the Nerd yells]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''2016 Nerd:''' Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. ''[points at R.O.B.]'' Why is that there?
:'''2007 Nerd:''' I don't know, it just sits there.
:'''2016 Nerd:''' Get rid of it.
:'''2007 Nerd:''' Why?
:'''2016 Nerd:''' You'll know by Episode 100.
:'''2007 Nerd:''' Uh, Episode-- ''[stutters]'' ''What?!''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''':  Look, I know this sounds weird, but I've sorta been time-traveling around through AVGN history.
:'''Back Nerd''': Yeah. That's weird. We've never seen anything weird before.
:'''2006 Nerd''': What's AVGN?
:'''Right Nerd''': ''[with an idiotic smile]'' Audio Video Graphic Network!
:'''Back Nerd:''' ''[sarcastically]'' A VaGiNa.
:''[2016 Nerd just facepalms in annoyance.]''
:'''2006 Nerd:''' So what time did you come from?
:'''2016 Nerd:''' From ten years into the future.
:'''2006 Nerd:''' That's nice. Could you have picked a more confusing time to show up?
:'''Left Nerd:''' ''[sarcastically]'' Not confusing at all. Time-traveling back into a dream, that happens all the time! '''''MAKES PERFECT FUCKING SENSE!'''''
:'''2006 Nerd:''' Relax.
:'''2016 Nerd:''' All right, now look, I could tell you that Freddy's around the corner and he's waiting to kill all you, ''[Freddy's shadow gets annoyed, gives the middle finger, and walks away]'' but I'm gonna show you how much worse things could get. ''[shows the PlayStation Disc]'' Here is [[w:Mega Man Legends (video game)|Mega Man Legends]], on PlayStation.
:'''2006 Nerd:''' PlayStation? We're the Angry ''Nintendo'' Nerd!
:'''2016 Nerd:''' THEN CHANGE THE FUCKING NAME! It's about time!
:'''Back Nerd:''' How about Angry Nintendo Commentator? 
:''[2016 Nerd facepalms]''
:'''Right Nerd:''' How about Retro Nostalgic Video Gaming Shit Seeker?
:'''2006 Nerd:''' How about [[w:Nostalgia Critic|Nostalgia Critic]]?
:'''2016 Nerd:''' ''[in disagreement, as if saying, &quot;That's not gonna happen.&quot;]'' Now ''that's'' fucking ''stupid.''
:'''Left Nerd:''' How about &quot;Angry ''Video Game'' Nerd&quot;?
:''[The Nerds agree on the name]''
:'''Right Nerd:''' Yeah, that's good.
:'''Middle Nerd:''' I agree with that.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Mega Man walks toward a magazine rack]''
:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;There're some dirty magazines on the racks...&quot;?
:''[The Nerds have shocked looks on their faces, and they start laughing]''
:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;It might be fun to look at--&quot;
:''[The Nerds all exclaim things such as '''&quot;WHAT?!&quot;''' and '''&quot;OH, MAN!&quot;''' and '''&quot;OH, MY GOD!&quot;''' and having various looks on their faces, ranging from disgusted to laughing.]''
:'''Left Nerd:''' '''''MEGA MAN'S LOOKING AT PORN!'''''
:'''2006 Nerd:''' My life is complete!
:'''Right Nerd:''' ''[laughing]'' ''Mega Man X.'' more like ''Mega Man '''XXX.'''''
:'''2016 Nerd:''' Well, anyway, this guy's gotta take a shit, so take out that Nightmare on Elm Street cartridge and empty your ass all over it.
:'''Back Nerd:''' ''[in embarrassment]'' I wish you would've said that earlier.
:''[The other Nerds smell, gag and hold their nose after knowing Back Nerd defecated his pants.]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''2004 Nerd:''' You didn't play ''Jekyll and Hyde'' again, did you?
:'''2016 Nerd:''' ''[beat, shakes his head]'' ...No! Never... Mm-mm. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': I'm back. It's yours truly, the fuckin' Nerd, here to play some more shitty games. Let's pop this fucker in here-- ''[The Nerd picks up an SNES cartridge and is shocked to see it is [[w:Mega Man Soccer|Mega Man Soccer]]. He puts the game in the SNES, turns it on, plays it and shudders in shock at the game play.]'' Wha--? W--? '''WHAT... WERE... THEY...&lt;big&gt;''THINKING?!?''&lt;/big&gt;''' ''[he runs, hurls himself out the window and screams.]''

=== [[w:Paperboy (video game)|Paperboy]] ===
:'''AVGN''': Extra! Extra! Paperboy goes mad! Here's some [[w:Classified advertising|assifieds]]! Here you go daily douchebag! 10% off your next purchase of &quot;FUCK YOU&quot;! Cloudy with a chance of ass kicking! Dear Abby, make 'em eat shit! Crosswords, can you spell cunt? Horoscopes, you will achieve greatness - in HELL!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Aiming the newspaper into the mailbox is like trying to slingshot a dingleberry from a playground roundabout that’s situated on a moving parade float aiming into a bottlecap that’s tied by a string to a Himalayan snow-cock! While drunk!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Then there's a tire that randomly comes rolling out from behind the house. Who's back there rolling tires? Get a life.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The ''Grim Reaper'' is in town... That's a problem.

=== [[w:MTV's Beavis and Butt-Head|Beavis and Butt-Head]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''(belches)'' Yeah, that's how you critique it, you just say this sucks... yeah... uh... you know when you eat rump roast - are you like, eating a cow's butt? ''(burps)'' You know the word &quot;this&quot; is like &quot;shit&quot; spelled backwards? Or uh... maybe it isn't. Maybe I should like, uh... play another game, or something?

=== The Berenstain Bears ===
:'''Other Nerd''': These are the real Bad News Bears!

=== Sega Activator and Aura Interactor ===
:'''The Nerd''': Streets of Rage 2.
:'''Keith Apicary''': Yes! That's my autobiography.


== Season Eleven ==

=== Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers ===
:'''The Nerd:''' After that, you get this awkward driving stage where you rescue people.
:'''Voice in game:''' ''[exclaims]'' Over here! All right!
:'''The Nerd:''' ''[sarcastically]'' &quot;Love&quot; hearin' those voices over and over again.
:'''Voice in game:''' Over here! All right! Over here! All right!
:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;Over here!&quot; &quot;All right!&quot; &quot;Over here!&quot; &quot;All right!&quot; &quot;Over here!&quot; &quot;All right!&quot; '''''&quot;OVER HERE!!!&quot;''''' '''''&quot;ALL RIGHT!&quot;'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' [Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie ''on Game Boy''] Take a look at the Rangers. Which one's your favorite? ''(shows the Rangers on the Game Boy's monochrome screen)'' The Dark Green, Dark Green, Dark Green, Dark Green, Dark Green, or Dark Green Ranger? Mine's the Dark Green Ranger.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' This problem escalates when you get to the sand. Oh, God, the sand. Let me tell you about this. You have to punch and kick all this sand out of the way, and it's a race against time because there's a machine following close behind you. If it touches you, it's a one-hit death. You have to get rid of that sand as fast as humanly possible. You can't afford any wasted hits, which means you have to master the science behind this punch-kick phenomenon. The top square can only be taken out with the punch. The middle with a kick or a ducking punch. The bottom, only with a ducking kick. So not only do you have to know when it's going to be a punch or a kick, but you also have to know when to be standing or ducking. The only successful pattern I found is duck-stand-stand, duck-duck-stand. I can't even do it without saying it out loud. Duck-stand-stand, duck-duck-stand. Duck-stand-stand, duck-duck-stand. Fuck-shit-shit, fuck-fuck-shit! ''Fuck-shit-shit, fuck-fuck-shit! '''FUCK-SHIT-SHIT, FUCK-FUCK-SHIT!''''' ''(Ranger dies)'' '''''FUUUUCK!!!'''''

=== [[w:Sonic the Hedgehog (2006 video game)|Sonic '06]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': I mean, how bad could this po- it's gonna fuckin' suck, isn't it?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So far, this game has given me nothing but shit! '''The game is giving me shit!!!''' [''The Sonic 06 box game is literally trying to give the Nerd a piece of shit''] '''No! No! No!'''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': [''Talking about how the shopkeeper is only saying welcome''] Especially him. The only word on the screen is &quot;welcome&quot;, but his mouth is moving like crazy. What more could he possibly be saying?! [''The Nerd appears on screen and mimics the shopkeeper''] Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcomewelcomewelcome...

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': [''Commenting on another NPC''] Then there's this crack addict in an alley. [''The Nerd mimics the NPC''] Hey, hey, hey, did you see that, did you hear that? [''starts babbling unintelligibly''] Cra- Cra- crack, I need crack.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
[''Tails jumps over the rail and dies in water'']
:'''The Nerd''': Did Tails just kill himself?!!
[''Tails falls off the rail again and dies'']
:'''The Nerd''': He did!!
[''falls off the rail and dies again'']
:'''The Nerd''': [''appearing on the game screen''] He just couldn't take it... The game was that bad! ''(sighs and jumps into the water)''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''The Nerd''': [about the [[Free Willy|Free Willy]] poster] It looks like the kid is punching the whale! Who the hell could punch a killer whale so hard it becomes airborne?! You don't fuck with that kid!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': &quot;Cleared ACT Mission&quot;? What kind of terminology is that? That's like saying &quot;Cleared LEVEL Stage&quot;. This game is &quot;DICK Cock&quot;.

=== Planet of the Apes ===

:'''The Nerd:''' Well, it's one of those &quot;where the fuck do you go?&quot; kind of games...
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' '''''OH, THE ONLY PLANET THIS GAME CAME FROM IS URANUS! OH, THIS GAME IS A MADHOUSE! A MADHOUSE! OH, YOU DAMN DIRTY GAME DESIGNERS! YOU MANIACS! YOU FUCKED IT UP! DAMN YOU, DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!''''' Oh, that's it. I'm going back to Earth!

=== Game Boy Accessories ===

:'''The Nerd:''' This one, called the 'Handy Boy' was released by... STD? ''STD?!'' '''''WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD NAME THEIR GAME COMPANY &quot;STD&quot;?!'''''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(on Game Boy accessories)'' But then, to top it off, the grand finale. I'm not even emotionally ready to tell you about this, so just sit back, here it is. ''The PediSedate.'' This thing was intended for hospitals, to help children relax when they're about to be put under for surgery or a medical procedure. Essentially, it's a pair of headphones that you plug into the Game Boy. You could probably plug it into any portable gaming console, but more importantly, it has a cup that goes over the child's mouth, and releases the sleep gas, or laughing gas, or whatever it is they need. So, it's the only gaming peripheral I know of that ''gasses you!'' Imagine being sedated while playing fuckin' ''[[w:Dr. Mario|Dr. Mario]]''! What would that be like? Oh, my God! I was gonna make up a bunch of fake shit at the end, like the ''Game Boy Dog Turd Collector.'' But nothing I can make up can top ''this!'' And this thing was rea-I mean, it didn't get released, but it was invented and patented. The Game Boy must have been the most multi-purposed thing in existence! Astronauts actually took it into space! It could withstand bomb blasts, you could take photos, print, sew, find fish, ''get sedated! I wanna be sedated with a Game Boy!!'' '''I WANNA BE SEDATED WITH A GAAAME BOOOY!!'''! [[w:I Wanna Be Sedated|BAM BAM BAMBAM BAMBAM BAM B-B-]] '''''I WANNA BE SEDATED WITH A GAAAAAME BOOOOOY!!!!!'''''

=== Treasure Master ===
:'''The Nerd''': It's a really smart idea to be wearing radioactive fucking SHOES!! Seriously...is Skooter that fucking RAD that he doesn't care about RAD-iation poisoning?

=== Wrestling Games ===
:'''The Nerd''': Trying to hit a guy here is like trying to hit a grain of sand with a tennis racket while Andre The Giant farts directly into your nostrils!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Wow. And how about the most annoying character select screen possible? I don't know who the fuck most of these guys are, and they have no names! Who are these people?? They just shout random slogans at me and move at about two frames per second. Whatever, I'll pick Ric Flair. And of course it controls like ass. The punches take almost a full-second delay! And seriously, why does everyone walk around like there's shit caked up their ass?! Fuck this piece of shit! I'm done! (Takes the game out of the Super Nintendo]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Let me tell you something, brother! This game is the worst there is, the worst there was, and the worst there ever will be! Woo! It's a limousine-fucking, jet plane-sucking, diarrhea-drinking, asshole-stinking Hell-on-Earth in a cartridge, and I'm gonna open up a whole can of whoop-ass on it! And that's the bottom line because the fucking Nerd said so!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Seriously, why couldn't they give all the WWF games to Capcom instead of giving six of them to one of the worst video game companies in existence? Oh, and did I mention the toy line? LJN made the toys, too, and those fucking sucked also! Ugh! What were they thinking? Man, if LJN stood for Laughing Joking Numbnuts, then WWF must have stood for... Wisecracking Wiener Fuckfarts. ''[Actually, Nerd, WWF stood for &quot;World Wrestling Federation.&quot; Now it's WWE, which stands for &quot;World Wrestling Entertainment.&quot;] (gets knocked down by SNES cartridge with a steel chair and the audience angrily boos while the cartridge celebrates as if giving the audience a middle finger, and saying '''&quot;FUCK YOU!&quot;''')''

=== [[w:Polybius (urban legend)|Polybius]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''(after unsuccessfully trying to escape)'' The only way it'll let me go is if I show the game! ''(crying)'' I had to... I had no choice. I can't stand this anymore. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry just... [cries] Just don't look. Don't look, turn the video off right now! Once you see it, it's in you forever.
:''(The camera pans to floor as the Nerd walks toward the Polybius console and looks up at the screen, which shows a 3D-looking square tunnel and then a Tempest-like screen with other shapes. The screen flashes shapes randomly before the YouTube Video Unavailable screen appears. The face suddenly changes into the Nerd's face before the screen cuts to static.)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Todd Tuckey''': What's going on? Hello? ...Well, the camera's here. ''(picks up camera)'' Well, there's the game. ''(static interspersed with Todd screaming)''

=== Robocop NES Games ===

=== [[w:Sonic the Hedgehog (2006 video game)|Sonic '06 (Part 2)]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' Seriously, the last thing I want to do after beating Sonic '06 is play more fuckin' Sonic '06! I'd rather rip every individual pube out of my scrotum with salad tongs than play this anymore!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[after he beats Sonic '06]'' Wow! Can't say I've seen that before. Well, Sonic '06, it's all done. Just to think, all the hours spent, all that time, all that torture, and now, it's all over?
:''[sultry jazz music plays as the Nerd glares at Sonic '06 with bedroom eyes. Whipping and laughter sounds as the scene cuts to the dungeon with Sonic '06 whipping the Nerd.]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[exclaims]'' Yeah! You like th-Ah! Ah! Yeah! Give it to me! ''[shouting]'' Ah! Yeah, yeah! ''[exclaims]'' Yeah, oh you like it when I give you those bedroom eyes! ''[shouts]'' Yeah! ''[exclaims and shouts]''

=== Charlie’s Angels (GameCube) ===
:'''Charlie''': Good morning, Nerd.
:'''The Nerd''': Who said that?
:'''Charlie''': Down here, Nerd.
:'''The Nerd''': The fuck is that thing?
:'''Charlie''': It's me, Charlie. I've come to help you with your game decision. I've got one in mind I think you'll like.
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, yeah, yeah, that's just what I need. Thank you. Thank you very much. How about you just get the hell out of here before I smash your circuits all over the floor?
:'''Charlie''': Why don't you take a look at the game first?
:'''The Nerd''': Oh yeah. ''Charlie's Angels: the Movie'' the game. I heard that one's some grade-A ass!
:'''Charlie''': Indeed it is, Nerd, but you'll only find out if you play. Now play it.
:'''The Nerd''': Okay. All right, so somebody comes and makes me play a game. Freddy, Jason, Bugs Bunny, a speaker phone? I mean, this is an all-time low. ''We're reachin' here!'' And you know where. What do you think I do all day? Just sit around and play shitty games?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' It's finally happened. For years I've been calling games ass. But here is a game ''that's literally'' ''ASS!''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Charlie:''' I'm really sorry Nerd. I thought you would've loved a game that was ass.
:'''The Nerd:''' And why would I love that?
:'''Charlie:''' Because... you're a pieceashit!

=== Star Wars: Masters of Teras Kasi ===
''[The Nerd is looking through a 'Star Wars' encyclopedia]''
:'''The Nerd:''' What? ''JIZZ!?'' 'A popular style of freeform, wailing music' Jizz! Yeah, there is 'jizz' in this book. ''(flips to another page)'' Jizz-wailer!? 'A musician who plays a fast, contemporary, and upbeat style of music.' Jizz-wailer! It's in Star Wars!

=== Lightspan Adventures ===
:'''The Nerd:''' Let's learn some motherfucking math! ''On the move!''

== Season Twelve ==
=== [[w:EarthBound|EarthBound]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''[on the game's oversized box]'' Your ''MOM'' has an oversized box!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''(Following the montage of interruptions by the Photo Guy)''
:'''The Nerd''': ''LEAVE ME ALONE! LET ME PLAY THE GAME!''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mr. Rigs''': That's right, Nerd! Don't take shit from nobody! Only give shits and while you're at it, get some clothes that fit.
:'''The Nerd's Shit''': Yes, it's a little on the baggy side.
:'''The Nerd''': Hey! I don't need any advice from you or the shit talking shit.

=== Dirty Harry ===
:'''The Nerd''': While the movie was ''Dirty'' Harry, the game... was just straight-up ''filthy''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': (''at the title screen'') It opens with the classic line from ''Sudden Impact''.
:'''Harry Callahan''': ''Go ahead. Make my day''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': This game is yet another one of those &quot;Where the fuck do I go?&quot; kind of games. I ran around for 20 minutes like a chicken with its head cut off and barely accomplished anything.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': I know what you're thinking, did he fire six shots or only five? Well to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I... kind of lost track myself. But being this is a Konami Justifier, the most powerful light gun in the world, it would blow your label clean off. You gotta ask yourself one question. Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya? Punk?

=== [[w:Drake of the 99 Dragons|Drake of the 99 Dragons]] ===

:'''The Nerd:''' ''(meditating to ethnic music)'' ... Oh, hey. I've just been meditating to summon the power of the Chosen One to give me the patience and the courage... to play today's game.
:'''The Nerd:''' This game is what you get if somebody ate every badass dual-pistol wielding, trench coat-wearing late '90s action movie cliché, then barfed it out, ate the barf, and then dumped their ass into a piss-and-shit-stained bus station toilet, and then they took that rancid concoction, and somehow printed Xbox discs made out of it! 99 Dragons, made out of 99 percent bullshit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': But ooh boy, let me tell ya, I haven't even started playing yet, so let's pick up the Duke here, this big-ass ''tank'' fuckin' controller, and let's get started. 'cuz it's gonna get fucked...
:'''The Nerd:''' I understand the game was developed under a very short time, but somebody had to pop this in at least ONCE and say; &quot;This controls like ass.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(on the cutscenes)'' Oh, and the lips barely move, so I can never tell if they're actually talking, or it's some kind of inner monologue. ''(As he speaks, the Nerd's mouth is intentionally out of sync with his voice, parodying this.)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(After having died, the Nerd spawns in a temple, where he has to wait for ten seconds before restarting.)''
:'''Statue:''' &quot;There's no cure for stupidity beyond death.&quot;
:'''The Nerd:''' Yeah, well, fuck you too, you fuckin' statues!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(waiting for a platform to take Drake to the top of a building)'' O-oh, come on! I could build a sculpture of a horse takin' a shit, out of horse shit, in the time it takes to get up there!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' This is where the problems in the game REALLY mount up, and it just... builds inside you with all this RAGE, and you become... just BOILING SO FUCKIN' HOT! It's not like you're in Hell; you've '''become''' Hell! Bad people die, and they go into '''you!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(fighting a boss)'' And before I know it, I'm dead! What the fuuucck?!
:'''The Nerd:''' So you defeat the boss, you rescue your master, and now you gotta go down into the subway, and... ''(gets hit by a train and dies)'' '''HAAAAAAAAAAGHHH!!!''' ''WHAT THE FUCK?!'' Thi-I-I-I-I can't fuckin' stand this. I-I would cheat, but, they didn't even program cheat codes! But how could they, if they can't even program a ''fuckin'' game?! ''(stammers and briefly meditates)''

=== ''Tomb Raider'' Games ===
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, and have you ever noticed the Angelina Jolie ''Tomb Raider'' movies aren't called ''Tomb Raider?'' They're officially called ''Lara Croft: Tomb Raider'' and ''Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life.'' What a mouthful. Did they just read the movie poster out loud? Might be why it took 15 years to get another feature film, which was simply called, ''Tomb Raider,'' unless the real title was supposed to be: ''Alicia Vikander is Lara Croft Tomb Raider March 16th Experience It In IMAX.'' But that's probably too much for a theater marquee, right?

=== Resident Evil Survivor ===
:'''The Nerd:''' This game is kicking the PlayStation while it's already down. Mainly in the balls.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:(''after the Nerd appears in the intro to the original'' Resident Evil)
:'''The Nerd''': You see that shit!? Well, I guess I gotta explain. The Umbrella Corporation, they moved in next door, set up a secret lab, and now there's monsters and stuff, and I dunno what to do! Well, I guess I'll pop in the disc, play some ''Resident Evil: Survivor'', have a pint, and wait for all of this to blow over.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So this guy's seen hangin' from a helicopter, he falls off and the copter crashes. Then that same helicopter shits another guy out. Seriously, look at this! The helicopter's on fire, and this dude just shoots out like a turd with an explosive fart behind it!

=== Super Hydlide and Virtual Hydlide ===
:'''The Nerd''': Eight years ago, I played the first ''Hydlide''. Since then, I've gotten a lot of requests to review the other Hydlide games. The other ''Hydlide'' games? Because the first one was so good, you've gotta have more, no, sequels to games that already sucked Donkey Kong dong, that I can't stand! I can't stand the sound of it! Hydlide! ''HYDLIDE!'' (''vomits both sequels'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Imagine living in this world: you're late for work, so you skip breakfast, and then two hours later, you're in the middle of a meeting, and ya drop fuckin' DEAD in front all your coworkers! Nothin' left but a withered husk. Tragic.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': &quot;It does seem fitting to construe carelessly made shoddy goods as bullshit, but in what way? Is the resemblance that bullshit,  itself, is invariably produced in a careless or self-indulgent manner that is never finely crafted? The word 'shit' does suggest this. Excrement is not designed or crafted at all. It is merely emitted (or dumped).&quot; So, while the game did not actually come out of somebody's asshole, it sure CAME OUT in the same manner!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Thankfully, Virtual Hydlide is over. The credits play, and ya get the List of Shame, set to some shitty stock JPEGs of the countryside. You wasted precious hours of your life, to give yourself eyestrain and motion sickness, and all you get is a fucking &quot;Congratulations!&quot; screen. Well, at least they spelled it right. Anyway, ''Virtual Hydlide'' is literally &quot;Bullshit&quot;. Oh, that's right; where'd I throw the book? Ah, well... whatever. I don't have anything planned anyway, so... (''scrolls up like a cel sheet, revealing a &quot;Conglaturation!!!&quot; message'')

=== Amiga CD³²™ ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''[unable to play the CD³²]'' Oh, that's perfect. I have to hold the disc hatch down just to get the game to spin. What, did I really expect this thing to work? I don't even want to play this piece of fuck to begin with, let alone one-handed, holding the thing down to get it to function.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing'' Dangerous Streets] Right off the bat, this is possibly the worst group of fighting game characters I've ever seen. Lookin' back at ''Street Fighter'' and ''Mortal Kombat'', each game had a group of memorable characters, like: Ryu, Guile, Scorpion, Liu Kang! This game has Futuristic Tommy Wiseau, Asscheek Lady, Spring Shoe Guy, Fat Guy with His Pants Undone, and a Native American guy '''TAKIN' A SHIT!''' And, there's this guy who was &quot;born in Pennsylvania&quot;... which just confuses the shit outta me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing'' Gloom] You collect bouncing balls for guns, and baby bottles for health! What is this, like a ''spoof?!'' Like ''PO'ed''? Yeah, the game where you're shooting butts! But, that was done on purpose, as a ''parody! ''This one, '''it's just a fuckin' watered-down piece of shit'' Doom ''knockoff!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing'' Bubba 'n Stix] The gameplay is kinda like a puzzle platformer, where you have to use Stix to get past obstacles, like using him to pry this rock up, or sticking him into the wall to use as a platform. This part right here is pretty funny. You have to get close to these weird guys without interrupting their conversation, and then throw Stix, the character, at them. The graphics are really nice, too. It's cartoony and colorful, but not like the rainbow vomit from ''Oscar''. This is actually a good game. At least, until I get to the second level and I can't figure out what to do. And, I don't have the time to figure it out, so...oh, well, I guess we gotta move on. But, I can give this one the Nerd stamp of not shit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''James D. Rolfe''': ''[receiving a call from the Nerd about a scene from the ''Surf Ninjas'' game]'' This is Cinemassacre Video, where selection is the name of the game. This is James speaking. How may I help you?
:'''The Nerd''': Yeah, okay, I just wanna ask you a quick question.
:'''James D. Rolfe''': Sure thing. Go right ahead.
:'''The Nerd''': Have you ever watched the movie, ''Surf Ninjas?''
:'''James D. Rolfe''': Yeah. In fact, I just had a chat with a bunch of friends all about that. Did you know that the costume designer was the same in ''Street Fighter: The Movie?'' That would explain all the blue camouflage--
:'''The Nerd''': Okay, okay. Look-look-look-look. I just wanna ask a fucking question. In the movie, ''Surf Ninjas,'' does anybody rip someone's heart out, Kano-style?
:'''James D. Rolfe''': Um... no, I don't think that happened in the movie.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[hangs up abruptly]'' See? I knew it.
:'''James D. Rolfe''': Hello? ''Hello?'' ''[sighs and hangs up phone; annoyed]'' Wow. What an asshole.

=== The Town With No Name ===
:'''The Nerd:''' ''[after he beats The Town With No Name]'' Well, that's it. And the good news is I never have to play the Amiga CD³² ever again, and just to make sure this time, I'm sending this thing back to the depths of Hell!
:''[Nerd picks up the SNES Super Scope and Sega Menacer, and starts firing on the Amiga CD³² like crazy, then he puts them down and starts firing hadoukens etc.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' You know what? Fuck this digital shit. Because, this thing needs to be destroyed for real. I'm not jokin' around; I'm goin' practical. I'm gonna do the real fuckin' deal. 
:''[in the backyard, The Nerd puts the soon-to-be-dead Amiga CD³² on the table, brings a Boring Company flamethrower and fires at the console]''
:'''The Nerd:'''  '''''HOW'S THAT FOR PRACTICAL?!''''' ''[the battery inside the Amiga CD³² explodes]'' '''''YEAH! BURN, BABY, BURN! YEEEAAAHHHH!!!''''' ''[Amiga CD³² melts down slowly]'' '''''WHEW, BOY! YE-HE-HE-HE-HEAAAH!!!'''''

=== Home Alone ===
:'''The Nerd''': (''looking down at a box of pizza delivered by Macaulay Culkin as a pizza delivery boy'') What's this?
:'''Pizza Boy''': A lovely cheese pizza; just for you.
:'''The Nerd''': You got the wrong house; I didn't order any pizza. But I'll take it anyway.
:(''He opens the pizza box to find'' Home Alone ''games on different consoles''.)
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, not funny.
:'''Pizza Boy''': Think of it as a gift; you owe it to yourself to play those games. I hear they're awesome.
:'''The Nerd''': No, they're not! Besides... I already reviewed both NES games: that first one where you're laying traps around the house that are enclosed in square tiles for no reason, where you're walkin' up the stairs like you took a dump, and that second one where you're running through the hotel, slidin' on your knees, fighting mops, vacuum cleaners and suitcases, and a chef that takes off his clothes. I'm already done with that, so get this shit out of here! And you better believe I'm leavin' a bad Yelp review.
:'''Pizza Boy''': That's just the NES versions; maybe the rest of them are better. I mean, look at how many of them there are, I mean, they can't all be bad... can they?
:'''The Nerd''': I admit I haven't played the rest. Have you?
:'''Pizza Boy''': No, but they all have Macaulay Culkin in them. I mean, how could you go wrong?
:'''The Nerd''': Well, maybe if they're not as bad as the NES games...
:'''Pizza Boy''': Come on. Everyone in the world shits on these games, and maybe you could change the world's mind. I mean, come on.
:'''The Nerd''': Okay, fine! But you're not going anywhere! You're gonna sit right here and suffer with me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': (''covering the PS2'' Home Alone ''game'') The biggest anomaly of the group is definitely the PS2 version. It was only released in Europe in 2006. Yeah, a while after the movie!
:'''Pizza Boy''': Yeah, but that movie is just timeless.
:'''The Nerd''': It is, but this game, by all known laws of physics in the universe, has no right to exist! The mere idea would baffle the greatest scientific minds of our time. ''(holding the case)'' Besides, the style is completely different: it doesn't look anything like the movies, looks nothing like Macaulay Culkin, I don't even know why we're talking about it, so let's just pretend it doesn't exist.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': (''playing the SNES'' Home Alone ''game'') The object of is to run around the house, collecting valuable items to hide from the criminals. You can only hold a certain amount. When your hands are full, you have to drop them down a laundry chute which leads into a giant vault in the basement! Or Goro's lair, or whatever the hell this is.
:'''Pizza Boy''': Look, I know the movie was a long time ago and stuff, but I don't remember Kevin gathering together... candlesticks, money bags and giant emerald rings, and then, throwing them down a laundry chute? But what do I know?
:'''The Nerd''': The items are found in the most random places, (''sees Kevin fish a whole pizza out of a toilet'') like in a... toilet?! Wh-- I found an entire goddamn pizza! In a toilet!
:'''Pizza Boy''': (disgusted) Kevin would never grab anything out of a toilet...
:'''The Nerd''': (equally disgusted) Augh! Yeah, not even a pizza. I'm sure of it.
:'''Pizza Boy''': Yeah... Yeah... I mean, maybe I would have. You know, back in my... heady days.
:'''The Nerd''': You would have grabbed something out of a toilet?
:'''Pizza Boy''': Yeah.
:'''The Nerd''': Pizza?
:'''Pizza Boy''': You've never had toilet pizza?
:'''The Nerd''': Yeah.
:'''Pizza Boy''': Yeah.
:'''The Nerd''': Pizza shit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Pizza Boy''': Did they really think I grew up in a house where giant frogs roam free in the hall? &quot;Yeah, we just had those suckers hoppin' all around, all the time! Mr. Frog House!&quot; I've never had to collect 35 pets, drop them down a laundry chute, and into a bank vault! Are you fucking kidding me?! What kind of asshole does this game think I am?! I can't believe they'd get away with this... I mean... you go to the store and... you see your face on a cartridge, and go like &quot;I wanna play with myself, all day long!&quot;Every kid deserves a video game based on themselves, am I right?  But no. No, they shat on me! They shat on my legacy! (''begins crying'') What am I gonna do?!
:'''The Nerd''': Wait a minute... You're not a real pizza boy! (''rips of name tag'') You're... M-- M-- Maculkin! I'm playin' ''Home Alone'' games... ...with Macaulay Culkin!!! (''screams a la Kevin'')
:'''Culkin''': Really? Really... Never seen that before. That's-- that's new. Can we just get back to the fucking games?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Culkin''': (''playing the SNES'' Home Alone 2 ''game'') Why is the entire hotel trying to kill me? I mean-- they have a bunch of fuckin' bombs behind the check-in desks! I mean, do they hate their child customers so much that they have to lob lobby bombs at them? And yes, that was pretty hard to say!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Culkin''': (''while battling Harry and Marv at the tree'') Y'know, once I had to fight a demonic tree... It was terrible... I don't know how the game developers found that out.
:'''The Nerd''': &quot;Demonic evil tree&quot;? They-- They exist? And this... this happened to you? Do you remember, like, what... ...um, how did it... happen? Li-- what...
:'''Culkin''': It was a long time ago.
:'''The Nerd''': I know, I know, it's--
:'''Culkin''': DON'T TOUCH ME!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': (''playing'' Home Alone 2 ''for Genesis'') Well, this is off to a frustrating start. Why is everyone in the entire airport tryna kill you? What did Kevin do to instigate all this?
:'''Culkin''': I mean, maybe because they had me pelting innocent businessmen with baseballs? &quot;Here comes Kevin McAllister; he gives 'em a big ol' concussion with a fuckin' baseball!&quot; Right to the dome, look at that! Bam! I'm shooting a poor balloon salesman... and stealing his balloons to get past the TSA. They're making me a fuggin' asshole!
:'''The Nerd''': At least you get to see Kevin take out airport security with a water fountain. And then they all just fall through the floor, while Kevin looks at you like, &quot;What the fuck?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Culkin''': This game is like... poop! From a... a buffalo butt!
:'''The Nerd''': Diarrhea, it's gotta be diarrhea! Just go for it!
:'''Culkin''': Okay! I got it...! I would rather do a human centipede with the Wet Bandits! Marv in my mouth, HARRY IN MY ASS! I'll turn them into the Sticky Bandits!
:'''The Nerd''': (disgusted) Augh, dude! Augh!
:'''Culkin''': No, think about it. Think about it. Close your eyes.
:'''The Nerd''': Naw, I-- No I don't....
:'''Culkin''': No....
:'''The Nerd''': And that's from the web series that brought you &quot;Shredder's my ass and Splinter's my balls!&quot;

== Season Thirteen ==

=== Chronologically Confused about Kingdom Hearts Timeline ===

=== Video Game Magazines ===

=== Aladdin Deck Enhancer (NES) ===
:'''The Nerd''': Aladdin took an upper-decker in my toilet!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': (after he plays the same Micro Machines game, he sighs) The games are exactly the same. There's no difference! The deck enhancer is an add-on that adds nothing! They sold you the same games with some assembly required. It'll be like getting a new sprayer for your garden hose, but it doesn't fit, unless you get some special adapter. So you buy the adapter, but the sprayer still doesn't fit. So now, you have to find a completely different sprayer that only exists in special stores, and then you find out it works the same as the old sprayer, doing a no better job washing away the horseshit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': That box is a prime example of false advertising. Upgrade your Ninfuckingtendo Entertainment System? More like UPPER DECKING IT! And that's not a joke. I mean it. It is the electronic equivalent of an upper-decker. With the Aladdin, the components that normally go inside an NES cartridge are instead deposited into the deck. In the same way, the turds, which are usually preferred to land in the toilet bowl, are instead dumped into the upper tank. Therefore when the toilet is flushed, the bowl fills with shit water, and after that, it's the shit that keeps on giving. Would you consider that an enhancement to your toilet? Well, give it a try, and you'll know EXACTLY what the Aladdin does to your NES! Why does the box say &quot;Aladdin is the future in console gameplay&quot;? The Sega Genesis and Super Nintendo were already out! That's like saying you invented a brand new car that's got new safety features, and uses clean energy, but it's got pillows tied to it and it runs on coal! This thing had no future at all! All the &quot;Coming Soon&quot; games were cancelled, and Camerica went out of business right after this thing was... released? (He weakenly laughs, then he shouts) They went out of business right after it was ANNOUNCED! (He stammers, then he picks up the box and gets hit by the instructions) I—it was a death sentence! A curse! A curse that shrouds its release status in all-consuming mystery! Not even the Gaming Historian found any clear proof that it ever got officially released. I mean, sure, it got made an—and discovered thanks to inventory liquidators and eBay, bu—but if this thing never officially came out, then not only did it not have any future... it didn't have any past, either! How am I supposed to take you back to the past, when there's no fucking past?! I have no business complaining about something that didn't even come out! I wasted my breath! Why did I have to find this thing?! Aahh, I might as well just be diggin' into the Devil's asshole! Fuck!
:''(The Genie appears filled with sewage from a septic tank that previously came from the Nerd's second wish.)''
:'''The Genie''': Hey, I'm back.
:'''The Nerd''': What are you doing back here?
:'''The Genie''': Look, man, I'm just here to grant your last wish so I can get out of here.
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, yeah, that's right. I get one more wish. Okay, well, for my last wish... I wish... you know, I think we've both suffered enough. Yeah, so... I wish... every Aladdin Deck Enhancer, on the whole planet Earth... will fucking explode.
:'''The Genie''': You got it, dude! Smell ya later!

=== Pepsiman (PS1) ===
:'''The Nerd''': (''given the PS1'' Pepsiman ''game'')  Well thanks Pepsiman, that's very interesting. But i have other junk food games like I could play, like ''Cool Spot''. (''Cool Spot'' is turned into ''Pepsiman'') Oh, come on! Oh well, I could always play ''Chester Cheetah''! (''Chester Cheetah'' is turned into ''Pepsiman'') Aw! Well how 'bout uh... ''Big Bumpin''? (Big Bumpin' ''is turned into'' Pepsiman) Aw, man... How 'bout uh... ''Kool-Aid Man''? (Kool-Aid Man ''is turned into'' Pepsiman) Goddammit, you silly fuck! I don't wanna play ''Pepsiman''! (''Pepsiman opens his mouth and hisses menacingly'') Okay, Jeez! I'll play ''Pepsiman''!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Mm-Mm, that's enough for me, this game's too monotonous! ''[Gets up to leave]''
:''[Pepsiman grabs the Nerd and forces him back onto the couch]''
:'''Pepsiman''': ''[Hisses angrily]''
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, dude, DUDE! Your breath! It smells like tooth decay! Here, have some Mentos! ''[Produces a packet of Mentos]''
:'''Pepsiman''': ''[Screams and retreats]''
:'''The Nerd''': Wow! Um... that worked Thanks to Mentos!
:''[Close-up of the Nerd with the Mentos logo]''
:'''Announcer''': Mentos! The Freshmaker!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': You know, Pepsiman is a rather sad tale. Pepsiman can make Pepsi for everybody... except himself.
:''[Pepsiman hangs his head sadly]''
:'''Singers''': ''[Pitched down]'' ''#PEPSIMAAAAN!#''

=== Superman 64 Returns!! ===
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, no! They move!! Why do they have to move?! Ooh, wow! Yeah, they really change it up!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Well, this is the ugliest digital Superman face I've ever seen! ''[a shot of Superman's face from [[Justice League (2017 film)|Justice League]], which was digitally edited to remove Henry Cavill's moustache]'' Second-ugliest.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': You wanna know the worst thing about those ring levels? Right when you're getting the hang of it, the game will glitch, and send you flying across the map - for no goddamn motherFUCKING reason! So y'have to backtrack or restart.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': If you get too far away, a Shadow Guy will spawn in front of her. And I am so sick of saying &quot;Shadow Guy&quot;!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': [after a weak boss battle] Again?
''[cut to even more rings]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[horrified]'' '''AGAIN?!''' ''[runs into the camera screaming]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[after the final boss battle]'' Y'wanna know somethin' else that's a real kick in the ass? In recent years, a ROM of the game surfaced which was of the unreleased PlayStation version, and it actually looks... alright. The levels look unique, the bad guys look cooler, the controls... don't seem great, but it looks like they work! According to Tit-us, after all the changes they were forced to make for the Nintendo version, their license ran out and they couldn't release it. Instead we got this rancid anus tart of a game vomiting green rings in our face! ''[the antennae-gold cartridge of Superman 64 begins to zap the Superman eyes as the Nerd looks at it and dodges as he grunts and groans thoroughly. He takes out the N64 console and zaps heat vision, slowly heading for the good games.]'' '''''NO-O-O-O-O!!''''' Please, don't! Don't hurt the good, innocent games! ''[takes out the Superman 64 cartridge from the N64, barely saving the good games, and then he breaks the cartridge in plastic. He sighs and [[w:Man of Steel (film)|cries out in agony]].]''

=== Life of Black Tiger with Gilbert Gottfried ===
:'''Fred Fuchs''': WHO THE FUCK GOES THERE? WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?! ANSWER ME, TOUGH GUY, OR I'LL BLAST A HOLE IN YOU SO BIG I CAN STICK MY COCK IN IT! (getting wistful) And I don't wanna brag, but...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Fred Fuchs''': Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just a guy who built a computer in the jungle without electricity or internet. I'm not educated enough for the guy WHO TALKS ABOUT BUFFALO SHIT IN HIS BASEMENT!
:'''The Nerd''': ...I guess that's a good point.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Fred Fuchs''': You might wanna be a bit nicer about the game, considering the fact THAT I'M THE ONE WITH THE MOTHERFUCKING RIFLE!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': &quot;Survive 'till the fixed time&quot;... What, were you fucking stoned when you wrote this?
:'''Fred Fuchs''': Yes.
:'''The Nerd''': Thought so.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Fred Fuchs''': Sometimes, you just gotta run like Hell from your problems.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Fred Fuchs''': It's an artistic interpretation of jungle life, you uncultured swine! I'm a goddamn artist, and this is my masterpiece! Obviously, too artsy-fartsy for your plebeian palate!
:'''The Nerd''': Aren't you doused in urine?
:'''Fred Fuchs''': From head to toe.

=== Chex Quest ===
:'''The Nerd:''' I really need to go food shopping somewhere besides eBay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Seems the game developers enjoyed working on this, and adding their own flavor! To a game... about a cereal... with no flavor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Yes, I'm sorry I didn't have more negative to say, I was really tryin' here, um... I know I haven't filled my curse quota for this episode, so... fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;BRUTAL CHEX!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt; It's Chex... on steroids! &lt;em&gt;ILLEEEGAL&lt;/em&gt; steroids! Made from broken glass, rusty fuckin' nails, and whole grain rice. This cereal will start your day... if it doesn't end your life! Fortified with calcium from the bones of fallen angel wings! The only cereal eaten by both God &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; Satan! It's a straight kick to your Muddy Buddies - and Brutal Chex turns your milk &lt;em&gt;RED, FROM YOUR OWN BLOOD&lt;/em&gt; POURING OUT OF YOUR &lt;em&gt;FUCKING SCREAMING MOOOOOOOUTH!&lt;/em&gt; (50 free hours of America Online included.)

=== [[w:Trespasser (video game)|Jurassic Park: Trespasser]] ===

=== [[w:The Immortal (video game)|The Immortal]] ===
:''[episode opens on magazine pages about The Immortal, along with the box and manual pages. Pan up, Nerd's hand slides the cartridge out of the shelf. He walks over to the floor, lifts the carpet to reveal a secret door, and opens it. The AVGN title card is shown, accompanied by the &quot;The Immortal&quot; title with blood splatter and malicious laughter.]''
:''[A dark dungeon, decorated with skulls and dangling chains. The Nerd appears, wrapped in a cloak and holding the cartridge.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Anguish. Lament. Oh, how hath ye been cursed if thou hath playeth a game as archaically, diarrhetically ''shit-holic'' as ''The Immortal'' on thy NES. Whence I came, my basement chamber above, where I desprayed such demeaning, failed electronic attempts at merriment, but when they're as loathly as thee, it is but I who has thus sworn to suffer as I descend deeper into the catacombs, a place where true shit goes to lie face-first down in smoldering decay; a place where sorrows exceed the souls, and vanquished beings meet their fate. Medieval torture, man; The head-crusher, the rack, the pendulum, the iron maiden, but none as dreadful as ''this.'' Behold.
:''[the game's demo is already playing on a small monitor. The Nerd walks over to it.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Reset, and here we go, the plight begins. Feast your eyes on this accursed nonsense. So, as soon as the game begins, it gives you a warning: &quot;It might be a good idea to move.&quot; Hmm. And it ''kills'' you. Right away, they pull something like ''that.'' At least, they warned you. But it might as well warn you the moment you put this game in, you're doomed... with life. So let's try it again. Into the next room. ''[3 seconds later]'' A-and look at that! They put that right there, right outside the door? Ohhh, one-hit death traps. That's real classy. Let's reset. Okay, here we go. Uh. So, this isometric angle definitely makes things a little difficult. When you're just moving the D-pad all over the place, it kind of just, you know, it's just a guessing game of which direction to push.
:And here we go, you fight the goblin, and it goes into this battle mode, and, to tell you the truth, in the dark ages of 8-bit entertainment, these graphics are a marvelous sight to laud. But, if thine playeth oneself, you shall hear upon cry the tears of despair and agony as thou realize thou caught in an eternal button-masher. Yeah, that's all you do; is just mash buttons. And the thing is, you have a fire attack. I mean, look at this, you can shoot fireballs, but that doesn't work against the goblins. But you talk to this guy here, and, um...yada-yada, forgive my haste. The important thing to know: he gave me a key. And then, I move on to the treasure chest, I use the key...to open the treasure, and I get...20 gold pieces. A bag of bait, and a sack of bad-smelling spores. Hmm. Well, we all know what ''this'' game's a bad-smelling sack of. So into the next room. Uh. As you can see, going diagonal is kinda tough. I'm gonna use the bait on this goblins. Let's just see what happens here. Do it? Yes, of course.
:''[the bait summons a worm that eats the character]''
:'''The Nerd:''' ''[shocked gasp]'' It ''kills'' you! Look, even the ''items'' kill you! ''Wow!'' Now that is a cheap shot. Alright, let's try again. Into the next room, and...dodge the fireballs-- I mean, not, the arrows...and whatever it throws your way. This game throws everything but the kitchen sink-- A-A-And look! Invisible pits?! Confound it all! Ohhh, I beg of you, have pity! Oh, wow, that's a good one. That's classic. Oh, boy. And the thing about this game is the familiar premise of controlling a wizard navigating through a labyrinth of dungeon cells brings to mind similar games like ''Gauntlet,'' or the obvious ''[The Legend of] Zelda.'' ''[chuckles darkly]'' But those examples only conjure up thy false jolly hopes. As thou seen in my lair above, the artwork in the Nintendo Power magazine and in the instruction manual look divine, but nay, it is but filth. The game is naught of all that is goodly, plagued with visuals cursing the eyes of ye of ill mortals to witness. The shades and hues hereupon are like the bile of a dying bear that consumed only skunks, smeared with the milk of a witch's tits, fused with garlic, and drew a dump. Yeah. And there's another goblin. Ugh, it's so repetitive, you just mash those buttons. Like a disorderly arfarfanarf. I'd rather be bescumbered with dysentery. That's worse than diarrhea because it includes blood and mucus. I'm sorry, that's disgusting, but so is this!
:''[a goblin appears behind the Nerd and roars. The Nerd yells in shock, runs to grab a cane from the floor and begins fighting the goblin ''The Immortal''-style.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Curse you, foul, abhorrent beast! ''[defeats the goblin, who drops to the floor.]'' Eureka! A key! ''[grabs the key from behind the goblin and discovers a door.]'' Yonder I shall go, as I proceed in my journey to further experience the tragedy of ''The Immortal.'' Why must it be I, cursed by the gaming gods, to endure this vomitorium? ''[unlocks the door.]'' Yeah, &quot;vomitorium&quot;. Yeah, that, that's an interesting word. It means, or it was thought to have meant a place where the ancient Romans would all vomit during feasts to make room for more food, but that's just a misconception. It actually means a large colosseum passage that large crowds can exit through rapidly. Such as large crowds of vomit particles rapidly exiting a mouth, ''gaping in misery over a '''foul, wretched video game!''''' Anyway, ''The Immortal.'' Let's go.
:''[the Nerd walks through the door and discovers a group of skeletons.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Death. It is all death here. It began as a gamer's revelry. Those making merry, to open the game on birthdays and holidays with the flames of excitement and adventure in their eyes, but as the agonizing torment set in, as the game mercilessly chastised and dominated them, the instinct to survive faded as the flames in their eyes diminished, and one by one, the revelers all dropped to their knees. Challenge is one thing, but in this game, every step can be deadly; Arrows, flames, giant worms, and there's bats that blend with the dark backgrounds. I mean, how can you avoid something which you cannot see? Trap doors are everywhere, which is a cheap shot, no question about it. I mean, can, can I walk here, or will the floor swallow me? I mean, you'll never know. There's no strategy; no reward for skill. Thou must play it repeatedly to memorize where the pits are. These invisible pits are nothing but a cheap, mean-spirited beginner's trap meant to elicit false and ill-earned replay value.
:'''The Nerd:''' And also, if you touch ''anything,'' you die. Step on the wrong floor tile, you die. Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-- You search the same spot more than once, you die. You approach a ladder or try to climb down a hole from the wrong side, you die. You stand still for too long, you die. You see some tiny little pixel that might be something you can pick up? Nay! Chances are it is but death! In other words, bullshit of the lowest standard. And as mentioned, even thine inventory kills you. When you can't even trust the items, what ''can'' you do? Your character is vulnerable to everything, and for a game called ''The Immortal,'' it begs the question: Who is The Immortal? Because it's certainly not the main character.
:'''The Nerd:''' At one point, in the very first level, you get an amulet, which has an incantation on it. You're given the chance to read it, but if you pick &quot;Yes&quot;, you die. However, the amulet is required to beat the level, so don't read that! But I repeat, the item, that is required to beat the level, can also kill you! How could you make a game in the year of 1990 following a wealth of other games and ignore all that was done previously right? ''What art thou thinking?'' This was made by Electronic Arts? More like Electronic '''''FAAAAAAARTS!'''''
:''[the Nerd drops down to the floor and rests near a stone.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Ugh. And, just-- Oh, for...fucking hell, this forsaken dungeon. And if you thought this torture couldn't get any worse, it does, by enlightening you on how the game could have been better. It was originally made for PCs, like the Apple IIGS, the Amiga, the Atari ST and Sega Genesis. And it's no surprise the Genesis version is better, but all of them had much cleaner graphics. I mean, they're bright and they look more crisp, and plus, the other versions, especially the Genesis, had gore! Yeah! Fatalities, years before ''Mortal Kombat.'' Heads get sliced off, and, look at that, bodies get cut in half vertically, heads explode. I mean, this is-- this game had balls, but it was neutered on the NES. And wouldn't you think the NES, the flagship of all nostalgic video game consoles, would be home to an acceptable version of this? It was a good game. It was a good game. It even-- It even had gore! And-- And I was just playing a bad version all along on the NES. Ugh. ''[sobs angrily]'' Why? Why?! Ugh!
:'''The Nerd:''' Ohh, I-- I can't take it anymore! I thought I knew shit, but nothing could prepare me for this repulsive dung heap! It's a repetitive task, going through the same motions, only to progress one inch closer to the goal. It taunts you; The game knows. It allows you to get one step slightly further. It's like running a hundred-meter dash, but with a bungee cord attached. As soon as you make it near the finish line, it ''yanks'' you back. It's a journey so far travelled, yet barely have you gone forward.
:'''The Nerd:''' And however, if you do make it to the end by some miracle, you have to face a dragon. That's right, it always ends with a dragon. So with this dragon, you're powerless to fight him; you can only use defensive maneuvers. So what you need to do here...is dodge...six of the, the fire breaths with six blink spells. Now, you only have six blink spells, so if you miss one, then you're done; you have to start over. And this dragon, sometimes it shoots the fire right away, other times it leans back and, like, fakes you out. So, you have to memorize the pattern. And that's not all. There's a seventh breath where you have to use the fire protection spell, and again, it's all at a ''very specific time.'' If you miss it, it's over. And that's what sums up this game: just memorizing patterns, and knowing which items to use in which order, i-it's all cryptic trial of error. Just like ''Dragon's Lair.''
:'''The Nerd:''' Ohh, ''The Immortal'' will live on forever as a sadistic, demented electronic mechanism of human suffering. Ohh! Some masochistic alchemist invented this concoction of death traps, awkward combat, stiff controls, items that kill you, constantly dying and starting over. It only leaves you with frustration, anger, sadness and crippling disappointment, emotions that belong nowhere near video games. And when the manual's more fun to read than playing the actual game, you ''know'' you're in trouble. I long for a time when I knew not what this game was. I long for the ''Big Rigs,'' the LJNs, the Fred Fuchs of yesteryear! I rue the day I ever became trapped in ''The Immortal,'' '''''a game where I've stared at the same room so long, the pixelated walls have become my eternal home! I RUE THE DAY I WAS BORN UPON THIS EARTH WHICH HAD SPAWNED SUCH PRIMORDIAL, PUTRID ENGINEERS CAPABLE OF CREATING SOMETHING SO APOCALYPTICALLY HORRID!''''' ''[puts his hands on his chest and moans]'' '''''NEVER SHALL I TOUCH A GAME LIKE THIS AGAIN! I'd rather have a warlord...SHOVE A MORNINGSTAR UP MY ASS!''''' ''[a light comes on from off screen]'' Ah. The light. I must escape. This way.
:''[the Nerd walks away from the wall, and into a cave, where he comes face to face with a growling dragon.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Oh! ''[ducks]'' Oh, good lord! ''[ducks]'' Ah! Ah! Begone, vile fiend! ''[ducks]'' Ahh! Oh, my-- It's futile. I can't win. Smite me, you will. Incinerate me! Banish me to Hell if you wish! ''If Hell is the way out, then Hell it shall be! '''AAAAH!'''''
:''[the Nerd falls to the dragon's fire. The dragon flows off screen.]''

=== Spawn Games ===

=== The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask ===

== Season Fourteen ==

=== Raid 2020 ===

=== Mortal Kombat 1 Ports ===

=== Mortal Kombat Rip-Offs ===

=== Dennis the Menace ===

=== The Incredible Crash Dummies ===

=== Bad Final Fight Games ===

=== Mission Impossible ===

=== Ecco the Dolphin ===

=== Countdown Vampires ===

=== The Legend of Kage ===

=== Taito Legends ===

=== The Simpsons: Bartman Meets Radioactive Man ===

== Season Fifteen ==

=== Shrek: Fairy Tale Freakdown ===

=== Darkman ===

=== Fear and Loathing in Vegas Stakes ===

=== 3DO Interactive Player ===

=== Corpse Killer ===

=== Sega Game Gear VHS Tapes ===

=== Carmaggedon 64 ===

=== Pac-Man 2: The New Adventures ===

=== The Rocketeer ===

=== Greendog: The Beached Surfer Dude ===

=== Commodore 64 ===

=== Freddy and Jason Commodore 64 ===

=== LJN Games Part One (Movie Games) ===

=== LJN Games Part Two (Sports and Marvel Games) ===

=== LJN Games Part Three (Wrestling and Other Games) ===

== Season Sixteen ==

=== The Last Ninja (NES) ===

== External links==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Angry Video Game Nerd, The}}
[[Category:Internet shows]]</text>
      <sha1>tnt5tv0468tigw2iryxxzgvbipgfy2h</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153547</id>
      <parentid>3153537</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T13:45:15Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:6C5A:87F:E9B8:F148:6766:1C06:5805</ip>
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      <comment>/* Rocky */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="416210" xml:space="preserve">'''''[[w:The Angry Video Game Nerd|The Angry Video Game Nerd]]''''' is an Internet series based on a main character, the &quot;Nerd&quot;, created and portrayed by James D. Rolfe. In each episode, the Nerd reviews a terrible video game and rants about it using [[Profanity|profane language]]. Mike Matei helps Rolfe by playing guest characters in certain episodes (Bugs Bunny, The Joker, etc.). Kyle Justin sings and plays the theme song written by Rolfe.

The first two episodes were made in 2004 by Rolfe as a joke to his friends but in 2006, Matei suggested to Rolfe that it should become a regular series.

== Pilots ==

=== [[w:Castlevania II: Simon's Quest|Castlevania II: Simon's Quest]] ===

:''[First line of the series]''
:'''AVGN''': This game sucks. Castlevania I and III are great classic Nintendo games, but for ''[[w: Castlevania II: Simon's Quest|Castlevania II: Simon's Quest]],''  the game designers obviously were not thinking straight.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(complaining about how the game regularly interrupts itself with long, unskippable day-to-night transitions with a text box saying &quot;'''WHAT A HORRIBLE NIGHT TO HAVE A CURSE.'''&quot;)'' Why does this need to happen so often? Like, every five minutes? Why does it take so long? Nobody feels like sitting through this every time. How would you like it if you were playin' a game and then every five minutes I came over, and paused it, then counted ten tedious seconds, and then let you continue play the game? Now, I mean, why did they think that that would be a good idea and interrupt the gameplay, did they think it would be more realistic? I mean, in real life I don't have to stop in my tracks when the sun sets and a fuckin' box doesn't pop up in the air. I mean, this is one of the most annoying features in any game ever. What's the point? Yeah, the, I mean, the monsters are stronger at night and the stores are closed, but why's that necessary and why does the game have to stop? It's fuckin' retarded. And why do you have to die when you fall in the water? That's the stupidest thing I've ever seen. [[w:List_of_Castlevania_characters#Simon Belmont|This guy]] can go all over fightin' hordes of evil monsters, but he can't even fuckin' swim?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN:''' Oh, look, I finally got enough hearts to go and buy a plant that I need to cross the swamp, now let me get to the store. ''(nighttime falls)''  Oh shit, it's fuckin' night time, now the stores are all closed and I have to wait for it to turn day again. Oh well, I might as well kill some zombies in the meantime and stock up on some more hearts. ''(falls into water and dies)'' OH SHIT! Now I gotta start all over again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Here, in the dungeons, there's books that you may find which actually give you clues about things in the game that you may need to know about. But, when I find these books, half the time it's by accident, so I may hit the button and cancel it out which means I don't even get to read it and I don't have a second chance. Why can't I do that when it changes from day to night? That would actually be helpful. So, what the game designers figured is this: it isn't absolutely necessary for me to read about how to find Dracula's castle or what I'm supposed to do with an Oak Stake, but what I do need to read, again and again constantly, is: &quot;The morning sun has vanquished the horrible night&quot;. How about ''&quot;vanquished this horrible GAME&quot;?''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(using the password feature to skip to the end of the game and having to input 16 characters)'' The only sure way to get through this awful game is to enter a code, but even that is way more tedious than it should be. While most of the ''Castlevania'' games have symbols you enter for a code, this one just has a whole bunch of numbers. I mean, like, one of those [four-character]little parts would be enough for a password. But why four? Like why so many? In general, I hate games that have passwords like this, because sometimes they have uppercase and lowercase letters. Like the l's, you know, look like I's, the 0's look like O's, the 8's look like 5's so, why does there have to be so many digits? Y'know, like why can't it just be numbers or somethin'? Like, y' know, just numbers and not letters? I mean, it takes me, like, five minutes to enter this code when it should only take, like, five seconds. It's friggin' stupid. Okay, so, say we enter the code, and we go to Dracula's castle. You'll be pretty disappointed how anticlimactic this game is. It isn't even worth putting in a code, let alone playing the whole game all the way through, which, if you did, I feel bad for you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': What a piece of shit. I mean, I feel horrible that I had to play this game in order to make this video, but I did it to demonstrate its dreadfulness and I forced myself to play it just so that you don't have to. So, you should thank me for telling you to stay away from this horrible steaming pile of goat shit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Thank you for listening, good night. The ending sucks too.

=== [[w:Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (video game)|Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde]] ===
:'''AVGN''':  ''[[w:Pong|Pong]]'' is better. Pong is only, like, three lines and a ball. Those little [[w:Tiger Electronics|Tiger]], like, electronic wrist games, ''those'' are better than Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. It makes no fucking sense! It's like, what were they thinking? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''[looking at the cartridge]'' Here it is, here's the piece of shit game. ''[looks at the price tag, which reads 89 cents]'' Who the hell spent this much fuckin' money on this game?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''':  I mean, if you ever find the game, if you ever see it, smash it. Smash it with a hammer. Smash it 'til every tiny fragment is, like, is so small it's invisible. I mean... you'd rather superglue your fuckhole shut than play that game. You'd rather drown in gasoline. You'd rather... you know, th-the thing is... you think I'm joking, like I'm trying to be funny or something. No, the fact that that game exists is a horrible abomination of mankind. That game is so fucking horrible, and I am not kidding. I am dead fuckin' serious. ''[close-up of the Nerd]'' DEAD... FUCKIN'... SERIOUS. ''[fade-out as the Nerd nervously laughs]''

== Season One ==

=== [[w:The Karate Kid (video game)|The Karate Kid]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': I ''hate'' this game. I mean, it makes me wanna kill myself. Now, the only comforting thing to know is that everybody seems to share my frustration. ''Karate Kid'' is a game, that has haunted many of our childhoods. I mean, everybody has the same story: &quot;I loved the movie, so I got the Nintendo game, and I couldn't stand it, yet I had to keep on playing it, because I had to beat it.&quot; So, what is it about this game, that's drawn so many unfortunate kids to turn into bitter adults, reminiscing on their angry childhood; screamin' at the TV, throwin' the controllers? I mean, anybody who has beaten this incredibly hard piece of shit will not have any sense of satisfaction but, rather regrets, because it is a complete waste of fuckin' time. I mean, it's like coming out of a brutal fight, being the winner, but achieving nothing for all your troubles but some bloody bruises and broken bones. It's just not worth it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': (''dies in a pit'') I hate this game, but why am I playing it? Well, that's the question everyone has asked themselves. And they all have the same reason: because you're angry and you wanna win. You wanna beat the Nintendo, but the cold fact is that nobody cares but you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Man, I guess they decided because the game's only four levels long, it better be the hardest four levels ever. Well, how 'bout this, how about if I made a game where there's just this one cliff you have to jump over and it's like nearly impossible, but if you do it, you win the game and that's it. I mean, what the hell were they thinkin' with this piece of shit? What the hell? Now, if you're a serious Nintendo collector, do yourself a favor, don't get this game, because it's not worth it. I mean, it's made many lives miserable and, y'know, if you see it on sale for a dollar, just stay away. Don't even touch it. ''[spits on cartridge and flushes it down the toilet.]''

=== [[w:Who Framed Roger Rabbit (Nintendo Entertainment System)|Who Framed Roger Rabbit]] ===
:'''AVGN''': ''(talking to a lady after punching her)'' &quot;'''CAN YOU HELP ME'''&quot;, &quot;'''GO AWAY, YOU HORRID MAN'''&quot;... how about &quot;Go away, you HORRID GAME!&quot;?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(gets game over and sees a 20 character password)'' And look at this! Th-this is the longest password ever! Would it have killed them to make this any shorter? It takes forever! Like, why should any game, take like ten minutes to type in the fuckin' password?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(calling Jessica Rabbit on the phone)'' This is Jessica Rabbit? Well, I got your number and I'm callin' just to say &quot;FUCK YOU!&quot;
:'''Jessica Rabbit''': I hope you're proud of yourself!
:'''AVGN''': Yeah, well, I hope you're proud of yourself, and you know what I mean, ya fuckin' whore.
:'''Jessica Rabbit''': I'm not bad. I'm just drawn that way.
:'''AVGN''': Yeah, well, wait 'til I draw your suicide note in your own blood, you bunny fuckin' bitch. I'm comin' over and I'm gonna kill you. I'm gonna kill your whole motherfuckin' family! ''(returns to playing the game)'' Alright, well now I got that out of my system, let's continue with the game.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': All right, the game sucks, end of story; I wanna nail Roger Rabbit to the fuckin' cross.

=== [[w:Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1989 video game)|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]] ===
:'''AVGN''': You may even think I'm tryin' to compare it to the sequels, which are far superior. Two-player, arcade action, beat up a bunch of Foot Soldiers. Good stuff. But, this first one is garbage

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': April O'Neil says: &quot;You have my support.&quot; Okay. What the hell did she ever do for you? Stupid banana raincoat wearin' bitch.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(in the sewers level, as an enemy causes the on-screen turtle to fall in rushing water)'' Ughhh, you son of a fuck! And you know what pisses me off? They're turtles, for fuck's sakes! They can't even swim?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Aw, you fuckrat! This is just a bunch of cockadookie, this is bullfuck.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Cowabunga... Cow-a-FUCKIN' PIECE OF DOGSHIT! This game is diarrhea comin' outta my dick! This game is as appealing as a fuckin' ooze-infested dirty fuckin' sewer rat shit! I've had more fun playing with dog turds! [[w:Shredder (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Shredder's]] my ass and [[w:Splinter (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Splinter's]] my balls! This game is an inside-out asshole regurgitating putrid anal fecal matter! I'd rather fuckin' yank all the hairs out of my scrotum! I'd rather drink diarrhea vomited out of a buffalo's anus! It suckin' fucks, it fuckin' sucks, IT FUCKIN' BLOWS, IT'S A PIECEASHIT... and I don't like it.

=== [[w:Back to the Future (NES video game)|Back to the Future]] ===
:'''AVGN''': ''(on the repetitive music)'' I'd rather have a fucking buffalo take a diarrhea dump in my ear than subject them to this horrendous garbage.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(on the nonsensical in-game representation of Hill Valley and all the obstacles Marty McFly must deal with)'' What happened here? Is this Hill Valley or is it Hell?
:'''Doc Brown:''' No, it's Hill Valley, although I can't imagine Hell being much worse!

&lt;hr width =&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Like, if I just shat into a bag, and wrote ''&quot;Back to the Future&quot;'' on it, that would be the same as this awful piece of shit. It brings my piss to a boil. What a piece of shit! I'll never play it again, either. It's my last time. ''(scoffs)'' I'd rather eat out the rotten asshole of a roadkill skunk than play this game, ever again. And I'm dead serious, too. And do you know what's worse? You know what's - what's really worse? Guess what? There's a sequel!
:'''Marty:''' NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
:'''AVGN''': ''playing [[w:Back to the Future II &amp; III|Back to the Future II &amp; III]]'' Yes, it's true. ''Back to the Future II &amp; III''. Two shitty games for the price of one. Let's check it out.

=== [[w:M.C. Kids|M.C. Kids]] ===
:'''AVGN''': So there's Ronald with his magic bag... bag of hallucinogenic drugs. I always thought that clown was one scary motherfucker.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Then you go to Grimace's board. Here's Grimace, the big purple fuck. Look at his house! It looks like Barney the Dinosaur's testicle.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': It never ends with this game; it’s just like an infinite turd coming out of my ass.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(Explaining a 1-Up gathering trick)'' So if you have an hour to waste, then, there you go. Have fun. You're completely wasting your time, anyway, if playing this game, as I am. Let alone make a fucking video about it. Some people like to call 1-ups &quot;extra guys&quot; or &quot;free mans&quot;. I like to call 'em life insurance.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(At the end of the review)'' Toasty!

=== [[w:Wally Bear and the NO! Gang|Wally Bear and the NO! Gang]] ===
:'''AVGN''': And what's this button for? &quot;PRESS HERE&quot;? Seriously, press here? What for? I mean is it supposed to be telling you how to push the game down? Like, how to put the game into the system? Well, I-I can't really push on it when it's inside the Nintendo. You know, did they really think kids are that stupid? I mean, it should just say, &quot;PRESS HERE, YOU DUMB FUCK!&quot; Like some kid's gonna be like, &quot;Uhhh, duhh, how do I put the game in?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Back in the '80s, it seemed like there were all these characters tryin' to keep kids off of drugs. Whether it was [[w:McGruff the Crime Dog|Mcgruff]], or [[w:Pee-wee Herman|Pee-wee]], or [[w:Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue|the combined efforts of Alf, Michaelangelo, Bugs Bunny and Miss Piggy]] And... this game, I'm sure it didn't help kids stay off drugs at all. In fact, I'm sure the people who made it were on something. So, avoid it at all costs, unless... you are fucked up on drugs. So in that case, let's say NO to drugs... ''(drinking his Rolling Rock)'' and let's say NO to this fuckin' game.

=== [[w:Master Chu and the Drunkard Hu|Master Chu and the Drunkard Hu]] ===
:'''AVGN''': So, yeah, it's a weird game, and you can just tell just by the cartridge. It's one of those weird baby blue cartridges, so you can tell right of the bat that it's a big piece of fucking shit.
:'''Shit Pickle''': Pickle.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': There's only one reason to buy this game. And that's to be able to say, &quot;I own ''Master Chu and the Drunkard Hu'',&quot; so people can awkwardly stare at you.
:'''Shit Pickle''': Shit-pickle-shit-pickle-shit-pickle-shit-pickle.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(Shit Pickle plays the game.)'' So, what do you think?
:'''Shit Pickle''': Shit!
:'''AVGN''': Exactly.

=== [[w:Top Gun (video game)|Top Gun]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': (on the landing sequence) You know, it's like every time I get to this part, I think I might have a chance. This is gonna be it. I'm finally going to land the plane. ''(reading the on-screen directions)'' '''&quot;Speed down. Left, left. Speed up. Right, right! Speed up! Speed down! Left, left! Speed up! Speed down. Up, up! Up, up!&quot;''' I'm hitting up.
''[The Nerd sweats profusely getting closer to the TV. The plane misses the aircraft carrier and crashes into the ocean''.]
:'''The Nerd''': '''''ASSSS! FUUUUCK!'''''

=== [[w: Double Dragon III|Double Dragon III]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Ooh, I know what you're thinking. &quot;How dare you pick on ''Double Dragon''?&quot; But I'm not. [[w:Double Dragon|''Double Dragon'']]'s awesome! So is [[w:Double Dragon II|''Double Dragon II: The Revenge'']]. But ''Double Dragon III: The Sacred Stones'' is just a fucking waste.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(Playing the two-player game, on the introductory cutscene)'' Now, just like the one-player game, it starts off with the story sequence, but this time it shows both the Double Dragons, Billy and Jimmy Lee. Oh, wait... '''''Bimmy and Jimmy'''?'' How'd they make a mistake like this!? '''''Bimmy''''' isn't even a real name! How did this happen!? They didn't even proofread this shitty game before they released it? '''''Bimmy and Jimmy?''''' I'm sorry, I just can't get over that. '''''Bimmy and Jimmy.''''' There's a typo in a Nintendo game, let alone a fucking ''Double Dragon'' game, and it's the first screen!

=== [[w:Friday the 13th (NES game)|Friday the 13th]] ===
:'''AVGN''': Oh, fffuck! Look at the map. I've just been walkin' in the wrong fuckin' direction. What a wonderful game! The bare basics of left and right do not apply. And that's why this game is so great, because it's free from all logic. Logic is for pussies!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(commenting on the game over screen)'' That's ingenious. That's... the best Game Over screen I ever saw. For real, I'm actually being dead serious! DEAD FUCKIN' SERIOUS. That's brilliant, right? ''(looks at Jason)'' &quot;You and your friends are dead. Game Over.&quot; It's priceless. Like, I can't believe it! Isn't that a mean thing to say to kids? Nobody ever ''dies'' in Nintendo. They're either &quot;defeated&quot; or they... turn into an item and like, float away. But here comes a game, like ''Friday the 13th'', that just cuts the bullshit, shows some balls, comes flat out and says: &quot;You're fuckin' dead... ''and'' your friends, too.&quot; Beautiful. And what if there was a sequel? It would have to say somethin' even worse. Like, I got it. I got a good idea of what it should say. It should say:
:'''&quot;You're dead.'''
:'''Your friends are dead.'''
:'''Your family's dead.'''
:'''Your fuckin' pets are bein' skinned alive.'''
:'''Your mom's a fuckin' whore.'''
:'''You suck at life.'''
:'''The whole world hates you.'''
:'''You're goin' to hell.'''
:'''Live with it.'''
:'''Game Over.&quot;'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I'd rather play ''Doom'' on Atari. I'd rather play ''Halo'' on a Tiger Electronics wrist game. I'd rather drown in diarrhea. I'd rather fuckin' eat my fuckin' balls off and puke 'em out my fuckin' ass! I'd rather piss a cactus out of my dick! The music is fuckin' worse than life itself, and I'd turn the volume down except for the fact that I have to hear the Jason Alarm! It's all just a test of patience, and it can kiss ''my fuckin’ asshole!''

=== [[w:A Nightmare on Elm Street (video game)#video games|A Nightmare on Elm Street]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': Could the villains be any more stock? Like, we have this creepy game about Freddy. What kind of creepy characters can we add? Well, how about bats, ghosts, spiders, skeletons, Frankensteins for the kiddies? Could it be any more un-creative than that? Like, why don't they just add some witches, black cats, and flying jack-o'-lanterns? They should've just called the game &quot;Boo! Haunted House!&quot; Which is probably what they originally had in mind, until they thought, &quot;No, wait, make it about [[w:Freddy Kreuger|Freddy]]. We already ruined ''Friday the 13th,'' now let's do the same thing to ''Nightmare on Elm Street.&quot;'' And that's right. It's by the same company. We're not gonna say who it is, but it stands for &quot;[[w:LJN|Laughin' Jokin' Numbnuts]].&quot;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, God! Is Freddy comin'? He sure is! Of all the shitty things in this game, this screen is so cheesy that it's just awesome. But it's ruined by the fuckin' trademark symbol! ''[zooms in on the trademark symbol next to Freddy's name]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': You know what's really weird? That this game was actually capable of a 4-player mode using an accessory that allows four controllers to be connected to your Nintendo Entertainment System? Now, I can't imagine having four people playing this game. Who's gonna want to play this piece of shit? I'm lucky if I can get one other person! I have a better chance of cloning myself.
:''[Four Nerds play the game together, yelling things such as &quot;This is fuckin' fuck!&quot;, &quot;It's diarrhea fuck!&quot;, &quot;This game is horrible!&quot;, &quot;Diarrhea fuck.&quot;, &quot;It sucks!&quot;, &quot;It's fuck!&quot;, &quot;It's balls!&quot;, &quot;What a piece of fuck.&quot;, &quot;What a fuckload of fuck.&quot;, and &quot;What a piece of fuckin' fuck.&quot;]''
:'''Back Nerd''': Hey, wait. Wait, wait, wait. I just cloned myself. I'm in a dream, I can do whatever I want, so why don't we all just stop playin' this fuckin' game?
:'''Left Nerd''': Yeah.
:'''Back Nerd''': So, the fuck with that fuck.
:'''Right Nerd''': Yeah, the fuck with that... godfuckingdamn fuck.
:'''True Nerd''': The fuck with that godfuckingdamn... '''''fuckin'''''' fuck.
:'''Left Nerd''': &lt;big&gt;'''''THE FUCK WITH THAT GODFUCKINGDAMN MOTHERFUCKIN' BULLFUCK!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''True Nerd''': Relax.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Freddy Krueger''': Whoa! Look at me! I'm the fuckin' Nerd! What a piece of fuck! Buffalo diarrhea fuckfarts! You see, Nerd? Nobody makes you play these games but yourself. So, you're your own damn nightmare. Now, you're gonna die.
:'''The Nerd''': Go yank your cock through your fuck, you fuckin' butt mongrel: I got the ''Power Glove!''

=== [[w:Power Glove|Power Glove]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': [[w:The Wizard (1989 film)|I love the Power Glove. It's so bad.]] And I mean ''bad''. This thing is bad. Why need a glove to play a game? What's wrong with this? ''[grabs the regular NES controller]'' Huh? I don't know. I thought this was okay, playing it, you know, with a controller. So if anything, the Power Glove, it's an interesting experiment in gaming technology. But too bad they were just fuckin' jerkin' off! Like, why does it suck so bad? Well, I have one complaint, ''[flashes middle finger]'' ''one fuckin' complaint'' about this glove; It doesn't work.  Now, what's the most important aspect about any game? Well, being able to fuckin' play it!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[Plays [[w:Jackal (video game)|Jackal]] and reads the opening screen's text]'' &quot;'''This battle will make your blood boil. Good luck!'''&quot; &quot;Good luck&quot; is right. I'm using the fuckin' Power Glove.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[plays [[w:Rad Racer|Rad Racer]] with the Power Glove]'' You know what's really cool about ''Rad Racer?'' That if you push &quot;Select&quot;... ''[pushes &quot;Select&quot;]'' ...the game goes ''3D.'' I'm playing ''Rad Racer'' with the Power Glove ''and'' 3D glasses. Ya can't get any more rad than that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Wow. Playing ''[[w:Top Gun (video game)#Original releases|Top Gun]]'' with the Power Glove. [[The Angry Video Game Nerd#Toxic Crusaders|It's like pukin' on a pile of shit]]. [in-game, &quot;'''TO LANDING SEQUENCE'''&quot;] Oh, my God. What the fuck am I doing? I'm tryin' to land the plane in Top Gun with the Power Glove? I can't even land it with the regular controller. ''[he manages to successfully land the plane; surprised, he takes a quick glance at the Power Glove, and looks back at the screen]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': If you want to bring a totally new element of challenge to your Nintendo games, try the Power Glove, 'cause it sure makes everything a lot harder. It's just a barely functional contraption designed to rip off little kids. It's the biggest scam since the Atari 5200 controller. The only kids who owned this were usually the richer ones who thought they were cool. Well, they're not cool. I'm not cool, either. Look at me. You think I'm cool? I've got a fuckin' glove on my hand. I'm tryin' to play a fuckin' game with it. I look like an idiot with [[w:A Fistful of Dollars|a fistful of fuck.]] ''[pretends to shoot his fingers off with the grey 1985 NES Zapper, leaving only his middle finger, which he flashes.]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Now you're playing with power. Now you're playing with fuckin' fuck! You're better off fuckin' fuck than fuckin' with this fucked-up fuck! Fuck this fuck! You don't know fuck about how fuckin' fucky this fuckin' fuck is! It's so bad it sucks. It's so fuckin' suck it fucks! And I...can't take it anymore. ''[holds bottle of Rolling Rock which he drinks while wearing the Power Glove, accompanied by the &quot;Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!!&quot; Game Over Theme]''

=== Chronologically Confused ===
:'''AVGN''': ''(talking about the [[w:Mega Man|Mega Man]] series)'' What's this? Mega Man Battle network series? [[w:Mega Man 64|Mega Man 64]]? Did they really make it that far? No, that was just the Nintendo 64's stupid gimmick of putting 64 at the end of every fucking title.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': So when [[w:Final Fantasy VII|Final Fantasy VII]] came out, they just called it Final Fantasy VII and that's when the confusion began. I wondered what the fuck happened to IV V and VI?! But what I really should've been wondering, little did I know, what the fuck happened to II III and V? And once I figured that out, I was like,&quot;So there were other Final Fantasy games we didn't know about?&quot; I was playing VI all along and not III? What a fuckin' bunch of fuckin' bullfuck!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The Star Trek series did the same thing. Right now, there's ten of them. Star Trek I-VI were all numbered. But when they stopped using the original cast from the show and started using the cast from Star Trek: The Next Generation, they dropped the numbers from the films and called them: Star Trek Generations, Star Trek First Contact, Star Trek Insurrection and Star Trek Nemesis. Okay, well that's real fine. But where did the fucking numbers go? If they couldn't call Star Trek Generations, Star Trek VII then why didn't they call it Star Trek The Next Generation off the show and then call the next one Star Trek The Next Generation II and just start a new line of sequels? 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The title of [[w:Bruce Lee|Bruce Lee's]] first film was called ''[[w:The Big Boss|The Big Boss]]'', but when they released it in the U.S., the American distributors or whoever was responsible decided to change the title to ''Fists of Fury''. Well okay, that's just fine, but the next one happened to be called ''[[w:Fist of Fury|Fist Of Fury]]''. So, uh oh, we fucked up! What are we going to call it here in the U.S.? We can't call it ''Fist of Fury'' because we changed the last one to ''Fists of Fury''. Call it ''The Chinese Connection'' and from now on, just call the movies whatever the fuck they're originally called.

=== [[w:Rocky (1987 video game)|Rocky]] ===
:'''AVGN''': ''(Regarding the training sequences)'' Cock-a-fuckin'-doodle-ass-shit-suckin'-bullfuck! This is fuckin' boring!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(On the convoluted controls as described in the game manual)'' So did you get that? Well, let me sum it up. It stinks!
:'''Rocky''': That's right, it stinks!
:'''AVGN''': It's a bunch of putrid anal shit coming out of a rhinoceros' asshole. It fucks up the fuck, fucks out the mouth, piss out the nose, dookie out the ear, diarrhea out the dick, fucks for the birds! The control in this game... is pooh-pooh.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': This game is fuck. I'd rather take a bath in elephant feces. I'd rather eat raw eggs.

=== Bible Games ===
:'''AVGN''': ''(Playing [[w:Bible Adventures|Bible Adventures]], reviewing &quot;Noah's Ark&quot;; regarding the character Noah, who literally picks up animals and puts them in the ark in the game)'' I just can't get over that. He's an old man, and not only does he pick the animals up, he lifts them over his head! It doesn't even slow him down. How could such an old man be so strong? Have you ever tried to lift a horse? Not that easy. What the shit!? Let alone a horse and an ox!? Or fuck! A horse, a cow, and two oxen!? What the fuckin' shit!? Noah's so goddamn strong, he puts [[w:The Incredible Hulk|The Hulk]] to shame. And the poor creatures, they're so scared shitless, they don't even try to get away. Noah, man. Nobody fucks with him. Not even [[w:Chuck Norris|Chuck Norris]]!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(Reviewing &quot;David and Goliath&quot;)'' And you know what? All three games use the same music. You'd rather listen to your own infant son puking to death. That is, choking on his own puke-chunks. ''(long pause)'' That's disgusting. I apologize.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(reviewing [[w:Bible Buffet|Bible Buffet]] on NES, responding to its in-game voice clips)'' That voice is just crazy! I-I dunno what it is, but it just sounds out of place. Not that anything is ''in'' place, but I dunno. It's so rare to hear such a clear voice in a Nintendo game. But I suppose it's also rare for Nintendo to have a Bible game with no references to the Bible, resembling Atari, that's all about food trying to kill you, yet it's also a board game rip-off with quizzes that you can't answer, and, if it's a Bible game, why do you blow a snowman's head off? Whatever happened to &quot;[[Book of Exodus|Thou shall not kill]]&quot;? Please, somebody tell me! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''[ [[w:Invisible Touch (song)|Invisible Touch]] is heard in the background]'' So let's play another bible game. It's the Book of Genesis on [[w:Sega Genesis|Sega Genesis]]. And the soundtrack is [[w:Genesis (band)|Genesis]]. ...I'm just making this up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''[Playing [[w:Super 3D Noah's Ark|Super Noah's Ark 3D]]]'' Listen to how cheerful the music is. ''(Theme from Super 3D Noah's ark plays)'' Wow, that's great. It's just what you need is some really upbeat music to go along with Noah getting murdered by a bunch of fucking goats!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I’d rather fuck a porcupine and shove a cactus up my ass! I'd rather slurp crap oozing out of a warthog's anus-hole! It's just a bunch of poopy diarrhea doodoo ass-shit!

== Season Two ==

=== [[w:Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III Part One]] ===

:'''The Nerd''': (sighs) ''Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III'' ''(he slaps the tape back into its case as it starts to fall out)'' SUCKS SHIT! Not even regular shit. Putrid, barfed-out roadkill diarrhea shit. Now you might be sayin', &quot;Well that's your opinion.&quot; Well yeah, it is. It's my opinion, that it's a motherfuckin' fact, that this pile of dog shit called ''Ninja Turtles III'' is the most god-awful disgrace in human existence! Now, I know you've seen a lot of bad movies. But, no, let me tell you, this movie is '''BAD.''' Like, how bad? Like, is it the worst of the ''Turtles'' trilogy? Oh, undeniably, but that's not the point. My point, is that this is the worst fuckin' movie I've ever seen in my life! Now, I can tell you from the perspective of a 12-year-old and a 26-year-old, that it needs to rot in Hell, in Satan's asshole. Now what I mean by that is I was 12 the first time I saw the movie, in the theaters in 1993, and I was such a big Turtle fan, I just accepted it. I just held the truth inside. And, you know it's just been tearin' away at me all these years. And now, lookin' back at it, I just gotta come clean and honest, man. I just gotta let it all out. THIS MOVIE... is '''FUCKIN' TERRIBLE!''' ''(punches the tape)''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': &quot;Why was there no subtitle in the movie?&quot; They subtitled the last movie. Well, I have an answer. Look under that title. You see that blank, empty space? Let that be an indication of the blank, empty imagination employ within and the void it left in our hearts.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(criticizing the inferior animatronics)'' Is this movie made for little kids? Well, I guess it is, so the joke's on me. The worst of all is Splinter. He looks like fuckin' roadkill! And I guess they never finished him because you only see his upper body. He's like a puppet that should be used on Sesame Street. Even worse is his voice!
:'''Splinter''': Have patience, my son.
:'''AVGN''': What an assload of fuck! Well, everything sucks.

=== [[w:Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III Part Two]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''[on Walker's death scene]'' Now, I gotta pause this because I gotta ask, how many times have you seen this shot in a movie? Way too fuckin' much. It was one of the biggest clichés of the time. What happened at the end of Batman? The Joker falls, same shot. What happens at the end of Dick Tracy? Big Boy falls, same thing. But Turtles III takes this cliché to a whole new level. I mean, a whole new level. Watch what happens when Walker hits the water.
:''[Walker screams while he falls to his death, and the water splashes]''
:'''The Nerd''': Did you see that? Here it goes again.
:''[The scene is repeated]''
:'''The Nerd''': There's no splash. Instead, he disappears. But he doesn't disappear. He like, implodes into himself. I'm really stunned, like why'd they do this? They couldn't do a special effect for a splash? But, what they could do is make him implode. Now, if you couldn't make a splash, why couldn't you just cut away, and then, just leave the sound of the splash? That would've actually been more effective. I can re-edit it right now. Watch.
:''[Walker screams while he falls to his death, and the scene cuts to the Turtles with the sound of the splash intact]''
:'''The Nerd:''' See? That's all they had to do, so why make the weird imploding effect? What were they thinking?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Cowabunga. Cowa-fuckin'-piece-of-dog-fuck! I'd rather watch fuck oozing out of a buffalo's fuckhole. I'd rather fucking puke diarrhea up my dick. It fucking sucks so much fucking suck, it fucks. It fucking sucks so much cocksucker motherfucker bullfuck that...well, something must be done.
:''[The Nerd takes the movie, looks at it, then sets on floor before taking out a katana. He braces it, aims it, then splits the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III VHS tape in two. Then he switches to a hammer.]''
:'''The Nerd''':  IT'S HAMMER TIME!
:''[He smashes the video until all of it is smashed to bits, and he sighs angrily. The camera pans to see the destruction of the VHS copy of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III, accompanied by the level complete music from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for the NES, before the scene fades to black.]''

=== [[w:Atari 5200|Atari 5200]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Look at how huge this beast is, it's ginormous! And why is there a door on it? Is this a video game console, or a fucking closet? Even the AC Adapter weighs a million tons.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': What's the most important aspect about any fucking game? Well, being able to fucking play it. And what do you need to fucking play it? A fucking controller! So what do you do when the controller doesn't work? You're fucked! This is the reason the system failed. ''This.'' In the name of God, Heaven and Hell; everything in between, every creature on Earth; by the far reaches of the Galaxy; by the inner rings on the Universe and... every Megaverse and the Ultraverse, let it be known. Let the word be known. This controller... is ''fuckin' horrible''!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Then there's all these numeric buttons. Like, what the shit is this? Is this thing a phone? Like, what is all this for? Is it, like, talking to intergalactic space aliens, flying fuckernauts or astrobastards?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''[unable to play the Atari 5200 due to defective controllers]''  As for the 5200, there's third party controllers made for replacing the shitty controller that the system came with. So let's take a trip into the cyber world known as the internet and take a look. ''[Goes to his computer and the Ebay website. Finds a listing that says &quot;ATARI 5200 CONTROLLER - Works fucking better!&quot;]''

=== [[w:Ghostbusters (video game)|Ghostbusters]]===
:'''The Nerd:''' So, I just wanted to take you back to the '80s, when ''Ghostbusters'' and Nintendo were the best things in the world. Now, the Nintendo Entertainment System, I believe needs no introduction. So, when we heard that a ''Ghostbusters'' '''game''' for Nintendo was coming out, we were so excited we shit our pants. Literally, ''shit'' came out our asses and we rocketed through the roof! It was two of our favorite things comin' together, should have been like bread and butter. But more like dead skunk and dog shit! ''(He inserts the cartridge into the NES.)'' You pop this piece of crap in, expecting ''Ghostbusters,'' and whaddya get? Well, ''Ghostbusters''. Got the logo there, looks promising enough. But are you willing to bet that it's gonna get really bad once you start playin'? Yeah, well, guess what? It gets bad as soon as you press the Start button. ''(The Nerd presses the Start button) '' ''(an extremely low-bit &quot;GHOSTBUSTERS!&quot; sound can be heard on the TV)'' The fuck was that?! ''(the low-bit &quot;GHOSTBUSTERS!&quot; repeats)'' &quot;Gowsht Bushterrrsh!&quot; ''(the low-bit &quot;GHOSTBUSTERS!&quot; repeats again)'' Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not tryna to criticize the game for its lack of voice clarity, but ya hear how bad this sounds? Let this set the tone for the rest of the game.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(Game starts)'' So, here's the main screen. This is it. This is ''Ghostbusters'' on Nintendo. This is my wasted childhood you're lookin' at. I don't even need to comment. Just look at it, it's shits for the birds! Okay, we gotta come up with a game about ''Ghostbusters'', what can we do? How about just have the ''Ghostbusters'' logo floatin' around playin' tag with cute, little yellow ghosts? So if you like ''Ghostbusters'', it's right up your alley. More like up your ASS!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Does there exist any store that sells... a ghost vacuum? Let's find out. ''(The Nerd turns on his cellphone and punches in a phone number)''
:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;Hi, do you sell vacuums?&quot;
:'''Manager:''' &quot;Uh, yes.&quot;
:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;Um, yeah, uh, I'm lookin' for a special kinda vacuum. It's like, shaped like a funnel, sorta.&quot;
:'''Manager:''' &quot;Hmm, what kind of vacuum?&quot;
:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;It's like, shaped like a funnel, like you put it on the roof of your car.&quot;
:'''Manager:''' &quot;You want a vacuum to clean your car?&quot;
:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;No, you put it '''on''' the top of your car... like while you're drivin'...?&quot;
:'''Manager:''' &quot;To, t-,t-, you want a vacuum to clean?&quot;
:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;No, y'know, these vacuums are for catchin' ghosts...&quot; ''(The Nerd struggles to contain laughter)''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Oh please, Game Genie, grant me three wishes!

=== [[w:Ghostbusters video games|Ghostbusters Followup]] ===

:'''The Nerd''': ''[when he talks about the ending of Ghostbusters on NES]'' Well, first of all, &quot;'''Conglaturation !!!'''&quot; is spelled wrong, but it's not even a simple typo. Two letters in two different places are wrong which probably means they really didn't know how to spell it. So that's 20 points off for that just because it's such an atrocious misspelling. But then why isn't it plural? You don't usually say &quot;Congratulation.&quot;, you say &quot;Congratulation''s''&quot;. So technically it's got nothing to do with the spelling, it's a different error altogether. So that's another ten points for that. Then, &quot;'''You have completed a great game.'''&quot;!? Well that's just simply wrong, 20 points for that statement. Even if it was a great game, it shouldn't have to announce it. So then you have a punctuation error, because the next sentence begins with &quot;'''And'''&quot;. Then you got an extra O in &quot;'''prooved'''&quot;. And proved what? &quot;'''prooved the justice of our culture.'''&quot;? So it's saying that you proved that our culture has justice? I don't know. &quot;'''Now go and rest our heroes !'''&quot; Instead of &quot;Now go and rest, comma, our heroes&quot;, it's telling you to go rest our heroes. Okay, well, sorry to say but we had to take off 90 points. But hey, a score of 10% means that there's still hope. But wait, is there any reason that there's one exclamation mark here (at Heroes !) and then there's three up there (after Conglaturation !!!)? That's another 10 points off for lack of consistency with a total score of zero. F-minus. It should have said...

:'''Congratulations!'''
:'''You had the patience to sit through this awful game.'''
:'''You proved your nerdiness.'''
:'''Now go fuck yourself!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''The Nerd''': ''(reviewing ''Ghostbusters'' on the Sega Master System, commenting on how the controllable logo leaves black dots on the streets it crosses)'' I don't exactly understand the idea of dropping poop everywhere you go. Thought the Ghostbusters are in a car, not a horse and buggy.

=== [[w:Ghostbusters video games|Ghostbusters Conclusion]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''[Playing [[w:Ghostbusters II (NES)|''Ghostbusters 2'']] for [[w:Nintendo Entertainment System|NES]], commenting on its level setup]'' And that's what I'm fuckin' talking about. ''Ghostbusters'' should be nothing more complicated than just running around, zapping ghosts! So it's a huge, '''''huge''''' improvement over the first game. But that's not saying much. It still sucks monkey fuck and pukes diarrhea up your fucking asshole. And that's interesting, because the movie [[w:Ghostbusters II|''Ghostbusters II'']] is definitely inferior to the first one. So, I guess the formula works like this: A good movie equals... a shitty, fuckin' game. ''But,'' ''[throws game to ground]'' a ''not''-so-good movie equals a game... that's not ''as'' shitty.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' It's also stupid that A shoots slime, and B jumps. Usually, it's the other way around. As for Start and Select, they don't do donkey dick. Usually Start is &quot;Pause&quot;, but here, there's no fuckin' way to pause the damn game. ''[throws controller to the floor]''
:'''The Nerd''': I mean, if you've gotta go answer the phone, or take a shit, it's like, tough shit if you gotta take a shit! You gotta take a quick shit! You gotta have turbo turds! I'm trying to play the game, I got shit stains in my pants, and an answering message on my phone that says, &quot;Sorry. I'm playing ''Ghostbusters 2'' on Nintendo.&quot; What a selfish game. BOTTOM LINE, HAVE A FUCKIN' PAUSE BUTTON! GODDAMMIT! ''[throws an Ecto-1 toy to the ground]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[reviewing ''Ghostbusters'' on [[w:Sega Genesis|Sega Genesis]]]'' I like this? I can't believe what I'm saying.
:'''The Nerd''': I think the world is coming to an end. Seriously, like [[Ghostbusters|fire and brimstone coming down from the skies. Rivers and seas boiling! 40 years of darkness! Earthquakes! Volcanoes! The dead rising from their graves! Human sacrifice, dogs and cats livin' together, mass hysteria!]] But don't worry, I'll find something about it that sucks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' Guess what the toughest enemies in the game are? Coffee cups. You'd think they'd shatter after just one hit, but no. They take forever to break. I don't get it. Lots of the enemies are just annihilated after just one hit, but not those. Don't fuck with the coffee cups.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' The boss battles are cool, although sometimes really random, like this blue guy that comes apart. Come on, die! Alright-- Oh, he's still got a head! Yeah! You got the crystal monkey man, the evil snowman, the fire dragon, the flame guy, the face that emerges from the wall, the woman who multiplies into three; gotta shoot the real one. Then there's the Grim Reaper who looks like Dracula from [[w:Castlevania II: Simon's Quest|''Castlevania II,'']] then there's the plant which reminds me of [[w:The Little Shop of Horrors|''Little Shop of Horrors,'']] which is an interesting connection because [[w:Rick Moranis|Rick Moranis]] starred in [[w:Little Shop of Horrors (film)|the remake]], and he was Louis in ''Ghostbusters.'' Then you got Stay Puft who relentlessly attacks you during the stage, but then at the end, you finally get to punish him for all the shit he put you through. Die! Die! Get him, get him, get him, get him, get him, get him! Yeah! He's dead as shit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' In a sea of terrible ''Ghostbusters'' games, this one ''[Ghostbusters for Sega Genesis]'' stands out, and it's still fun to play. If you can somehow get your hands on it, I'd check it out.
:'''The Nerd''': So, this concludes my 3-part review of all the ''Ghostbusters'' games that I can get my hands on. Is it kinda ironic that I end on one that's actually kinda decent? I don't know. I mean, is it anymore ironic that [[w:Lorenzo Music|the same guy who did the voice for Garfield]] did the voice for Peter Venkman in the ''Ghostbusters'' cartoon? Well, Bill Murray was a live-action Peter Venkman, and he also did the voice of Garfield in [[w:Garfield: The Movie|the movie]].
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' And one more thing: ''[[w:Ghostbusters: Afterlife|Ghostbusters 3]]''. Is it ''really'' gonna happen? ''Should'' it happen? Well, if they made ''The Santa Clause 3,'' ''Free Willy 3,'' ''Home Alone 3,'' ''Psycho 3,'' ''The Neverending Story 3,'' ''Problem Child 3,'' and about ten thousand ''Scary Movie'' and ''American Pie'' sequels, all the crap that gets shat out of Hollywood's big fat fuckin' ass, I don't see why ''Ghostbusters 3'' shouldn't get made. I grew up with those movies. I would love to see those guys put on the proton packs one more time. Even if the whole movie's just the Ghostbusters sittin' around takin' a shit, I'd go see it.

=== [[w:Spider-Man video games|Spider-Man]] ===

:'''Kyle Justin as Spider-Man:''' ''(on ''Spider-Man'' on Atari 2600)'' '''THIS GAME SUCKS MY SPIDER-BALLS!''' IT'S HORRIBLE!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(on ''Spider-Man: Return of the Sinister Six'')'' The game's ''Spider-Man: Return of the Sinister Shit''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Spider-Man:''' ''(hitting himself with the Game Boy in frustration)'' What the fuck is wrong with these game designers?! They don't know what the fuck they're doing! I can't believe they did this to me! They made a game out of me and it's fuckin' shit!! IT'S HORRIBLE! ''(throws the Game Boy to the ground)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Spider-Man:''' ''(while AVGN jokes about the pizza-delivering objectives early in ''Spider-Man 2'' on Game Boy Advance)'' I'm a super hero. I shouldn't be known as a pizza delivery man.
:'''AVGN''': I wish Spider-Man would deliver my pizzas every day.
:'''Spider-Man:''' ''(raises middle finger to AVGN)'' I'm gonna fucking shove a pizza up your fuckin' ass!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Kyle Justin:''' (singing to the tune of the Spider-Man theme song)
:''Spider-Man, Spider-Man''
:''Takes a dump in a coffee can''
:''Plays some games with a grudge''
:''Gonna shit out some anal fudge''
:''Look out, here comes some shitty games''
:''Alcohol is his power source''
:''Takes a piss like a drunken horse''
:''Climbs a wall, then he falls''
:''This game sucks his spider-balls''
:''Oh no, he's playing the shitty games''
:''When he plays his games''
:''He feels so ashamed''
:''He shoots web from his wrist''
:''But now Spider-Man's fucking pissed''

=== [[w:Sega CD|Sega CD]] ===

:'''The Nerd''':  Wow. It's like you get to play the games on a CD! Check out the graphics! Full motion video, opposed to video that ''isn't'' full motion! 64 simultaneous colors! 12.5 MHz processor! '''''Holy shit!''''' This thing is total '''''FUCKIN' GAR-BITCH!''''' How would you like it if I conduct the rest of the video like this? ''(screen becomes smaller and the video choppier, like the Sega CD's &quot;FMV.&quot;)'' &quot;Full motion video&quot;, my fuck! I'd rather be full fuckin' screen!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So you put the fuckin' game in, and oh, guess what? It runs off of its own power adapter. Yeah, that's two. One for the Genesis and one for the Sega CD. If it can't run off the same power, why couldn't it just be its own independent system? Instead it's like a fuckin' parasite or somethin'. Then there's this problem: the load time. Load of fuck! You could go dump your fuck in the fucking time it takes. So if you're gonna play the Sega CD, grab a fucking beer and be patient.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[[w:The Adventures of Willy Beamish|Willy Beamish]]''. The teacher talks to you, and you come up with answers. Should I say, &quot;Oh, that was my frog, Horny.&quot;? The frog's name is &quot;Horny&quot;?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd: '''Now we got ''Sol-Feace''. More like ''Sol-Feces''! Well, holy shit, I gotta be honest. It reminds me of ''R-Type'' or ''LifeForce'', and that's pretty cool, so all I gotta say is, this one's not bad.

=== [[w:Sega 32X|Sega 32X]] ===

:'''The Nerd''': The Sega CD had its place in history. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's a piece of shit. But it had a certain appeal. The 32X is the real deal. It sucks. Oh God, it sucks. You plop it on the top of the Genesis, like they're mating. God, I mean, do you think that's enough add-ons? It doesn't even look aesthetically presentable. I mean, it's just like an ugly tumor. I mean, did they really need all this bullshit leeching on the Genesis? That poor Genesis is just thinking: &quot;Oh, please, God, take this shit off me.&quot; It's like getting gang-raped. Both of its slots are getting ''fucked'' at the same time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''(plugging in the power adapters for the game consoles)'' Here goes the Genesis, the Sega CD, and... bullshit. What a load of fucking bullshit. How did they fuck this up so bad? I can't even turn it the other way because it doesn't fit. Why can I only plug in two power adapters? Why can't these go sideways? Or, better yet, why the Hell do they have these box things? Why can't it just be like this? ''(ends in a thin plug)'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''(playing [[w:Primal Rage|Primal Rage]] with only the background visible)'' Great title screen, huh? There isn't even any title at all. ''(cuts to the character select menu, where once again no characters are visible)'' What is this? Wh-wait a minute. Oh, please, God, tell me what's going on. Why can't I see the characters? I'm playing ''Invisible Primal Rage''! Alright, let's try [[w:Virtua Fighter (video game)|Virtua Fighter]]. ''(the characters aren't visible here either)'' What the FUCK?! Guess what, we left something out.  There's another cable which connects the Genesis to the 32X. Isn't it enough that the damn thing is inserted on to the ''top'' of the Genesis? Why does it need another connector? 'Look at this. It's a fuckin' mess. And what a perfect visual analogy. Sega invented the 32X to increase the lifespan of the Genesis, and that's exactly what the friggin' thing looks like. It's on life support.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': And just to celebrate their failure, or just for shits and giggles, they released a few '''CD-32X''' games, which required both the 32X ''and'' the Sega CD. So, if you happened to own ''this'' pile of vomit and ''this'' piece of shit'','' you can mix the two together.

=== [[w:Silver Surfer (video game)|Silver Surfer]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' Alright, this is ''Silver Surfer''. Silver Shit! ''(inserts game into NES and turns it on)'' He looks so ''stupid!'' I mean, what the hell's wrong with him? He's just like... like... ''(The Nerd tries to imitate Silver Surfer's pose.)''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' What'd I say before? This game's not bad? Well, no. It isn't bad. '''''It's FUCKIN' HORRIBLE!''''' And I ''dare'' you to play it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' I can't take it anymore. ''(Drinks some Yuengling)'' You know... there's really no point of going on. It's not like there's a reward, like there's a pot of gold sittin' on top of the TV. You know if you beat the game, it probably just says &quot;The End&quot;, and that's it. So to keep playing it, you gotta be a fuckin' nerd.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' I mean this game just pukes snot up my ass. It's like you touch the top of the building, you die, you touch the ceiling, you die, you touch the floor, you die, too far to the right, you die, too far to the left, you die, you die, you die, you die, die, ''die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die,'' '''DIE!''' ''(lies on the floor, holds his eyes in anger, and mimics the game over screen) (upset voice)'' Oh, God, I can't fuckin' stand it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' This game is so hard, it would actually be easier to go outside in a thunderstorm and try to dodge rain. It would be easier to walk barefoot, without your toes or heels touching the floor. It'd be easier to pick fly shit out of pepper... while wearing boxing gloves! The fact you can get hit only once, pretty much means that you're weaker than every other enemy in the game. HOW DO YOU DIE FROM JUST TOUCHING A WALL?! I can understand if he's flying at like 200 miles per hour and he ''crashes'' into the wall, but the fact that he just ''touches'' the wall and dies is just ridiculous. I never read any of the comics, so I don't know what Silver Surfer's powers are, but isn't he supposed to be pretty strong? So why'd they make him into a wimp?! Why is he fuckin' up rubber ducks and weepin' like a crybaby? It's like some sort of fuckin' joke! Like what if they had Bruce Lee tripping over his own shoelaces? It's a fuckin' insult! This game should've been classic! But instead, it's worthless! It's as worthless as this fuckin' LJN poster I have back here! Man, I would just piss and shit all over this fuckin' game! In fact, JUST THINKING ABOUT IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE HAVIN' AN ANAL EVACUATION! ''(Swigs some Yuengling)'' Fuck...! ''(Gets up, takes game out, and then throws it against the wall)''

=== [[w:Die Hard (video game)|Die Hard]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': Somewhere up here, there's a rope which, I don't know if it's important or not. You blow up this gym locker or whatever it is and he says, &quot;'''I'd have to be desperate to tie that on and jump off! No, thanks!'''&quot; Are you kidding me? Have you ever had a video game character talk back to you and say, &quot;No, I'm not gonna do that!&quot;? Going back to ''Mario'' again, what if Mario just said &quot;You know, I'm really not feeling up to jumping over that platform. No, thanks!&quot;? This is ridiculous. I mean, he won't climb down with a rope, but he'll jump out a window and fucking kill himself?!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So, I'm taking the stairs down, now I found some blueprint of the 5th floor. Whoa! Now we're talking about the 5th floor? &quot;Take out the main computer&quot;? I'm getting confused. So, I'm going around, trying to kill people, and Officer Carl Winslow keeps talking to me. So, I'm just walking around, waiting for whatever random stuff to happen, then the police car blows up! I'm like, &quot;What does this have to do with anything?&quot; But then Steve Urkel comes on! I'm like, &quot;What the fuck!?&quot;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': There's guys around every corner, there's guys coming out of the elevator, there's guys coming out of your ass, it's crazy!

=== [[w:Independence Day (video game)|Independence Day]] ===

:'''AVGN''': '''Oh God...''' '''Oh ''God!''''' Let me ask a question: what do you get when you take a movie, that's ASS, and you make it into a game? You get a pieceashit! Now, if you get a piece of ass, that's... a good thing. But if you get a pieceaSHIT, you don't want that! And this of course, is ''[[w:Independence Day (video game)|Independence Day]]'' for the [[w:PlayStation (console)|Playstation]]. I don't even wanna talk about this. It's makin' me sick. MAKIN' ME '''''SICK!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I think it's a graphic flaw. Nothing appears until it's right up in your fuckin' face! What the '''ASS''' is that all about? To describe this game's assness, all I can say is, it's ''very'' ass.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The radar doesn't do diddly dick! It's too small, it makes no fuckin' sense, and...I don't like it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The worst thing about this is that it makes me feel really guilty to be playing it! Like I should be doing something better with my time—like rolling dog turds in cement! Like, I gotta get away from this game! I gotta get out of this room! I gotta go out somewhere &amp; do something wild—like get a tattoo on my face of a goat holding up a baby snorting cocaine off its penis!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': You know, I played a lotta fuck in my day, but this game is... ''FUCK.'' The lack of music, the droning effect it has, it reminds me of somethin' very similar. Something from the past. ''Top Gun'' on the NES. ''[Top Gun music and screenshots from game accompany The Nerd's speech.]'' While I hated it and it drove me insane, I would rather play this than ''Independence Day''. In fact, just thinkin' about it is like a breath of fresh air. Makes me feel like a shitty log comin' out of a buffalo's ass and landin' in a bowl of M&amp;Ms.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Now, as always, I don't care if you agree with my opinions on games, but what I do care, you enjoy the video, you have a great 4th of July, drink some beers, but be safe, and most important - celebrate ''your'' independence ''not'' to play ''shitty fuckin' games.''

=== [[w:list of The Simpsons video games|The Simpsons]] ===
:'''AVGN''': Bringing back the horrible memories of these games can best be described like this: Imagine if you trapped a wet, smelly piece of dog shit inside an airtight container. Then, like twenty years later, you open that shit up, you take a good smell, and there you go. Welcome back.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(playing ''Bart vs. the Space Mutants'')'' It's strangely satisfying to jump on those aliens' heads. After all, don't you wish you could just go around killing aliens? Not making purple things not purple? Why not just fucking shit all over 'em and make everything brown?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I just wanted to point out that for a game titled &quot;''Bart vs. the World''&quot;, there really isn't a lot of &quot;the world&quot; in the game. No shit, right? Just Egypt, China, the North Pole, and Hollywood? Pretty fucking educational, right? When I was eleven years old, my whole world was video games, just locked in my room playing ''Bart vs. the Space Mutants'' and all this crap. And I wasted all my time on this shit! I want it back! It ruined my life! ''(drinks beer)'' Bart's my ass and Krusty's my balls! Fuck this shit. Now I'm gonna eat my own shorts. ''(the Nerd puts his beer down, rips out his boxers with his teeth, and devours it in a ravenous manner)''

=== [[w:The Bugs Bunny Birthday Blowout|The Bugs Bunny Birthday Blowout]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''(sarcastically)'' Wow, how awesome could ''this'' be? ''Bugs Bunny's Birthday Blowout.'' Well, it was a blowout, alright. Blowout your FUCK!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Yeah, this game's really a no-brainer. ''[drinks beer]''
:''[Bugs Bunny appears in Nerd's room]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[spits out beer]'' '''''OH MY GOD! IT'S BUGS BUNNY!'''''
:'''Bugs Bunny''':  Nyah... ''[eats carrot]'' What’s up, Doc?
:'''The Nerd''': ''[walks up to Bugs]'' I can't believe it! In my own house! Bugs Bunny! '''''BUGS FUCKIN' BUNNY!''''' ''[punches Bugs in the stomach and in the face]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': This game is garbage!
:'''Bugs Bunny''': Nyaaaah-
:'''The Nerd''': ''[grabs Bugs by the ears and pounds his head on the floor; the commas that follow mark the head pounding]'' '''''I'D RATHER PUT MY BALLS IN A CROCODILE'S MOUTH, WHILE SHOVING MY HEAD UP A UNICORN'S ASSHOLE!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Bugs Bunny:''' Nyah, what's up, fuck-cock vagina fuck-fuck?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Bugs Bunny:''' Nyah, ain't I a fockin' stinker, motherfucker?!
:'''The Nerd''': Ain't you a godfuckingdamn fockin' pieceashit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[after finding out Bugs' friends were pulling pranks on him]'' I'LL SHOW ''YOU'' SOME FUNNY TRICKS! ''[headbutts Bugs and starts punching him]''
:'''Bugs''': ''[while being pummeled]'' Nyyyyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaah, what's up, '''''COCK?!'''''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[kicks him in the face]'' I'll show you what's up, you fuckin' bunny piece of fuck!

&lt;hr width= &quot;50%&gt;

:'''The Nerd''': ''[While punching Bugs Bunny]'' '''BUGS BUNNY'S BIRTHDAY BLOWOUT? WELL HOW BOUT' BUGS BUNNY'S BIRTHDAY BEATING!''' 
:'''The Nerd''': ''[after pummeling Bugs to the ground]'' Ya wanna Shoruyken?!! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': You want some shit? ''[drops his pants]'' '''''BOMBS AWAY, BUGS BITCH!''''' ''[diarrhea falls through a fake fuck]''
:'''Bugs''': Nyyyyaaah, ''[diarrhea pours onto his face]'' '''''oh shit! OH SHIT!''''' Nyah!
:'''The Nerd''': Ugh, man! ''[takes off fake ass]'' Don't worry, folks. It's not real. ''[Merrie Melodies spoof theme starts playing and Bugs is shown in distress]'' ''[while giving middle finger]'' '''Fuck you, Bugs Bunny!''' ''[gives middle finger through fake fuckhole]'' '''''FUCK YOU, BUGS BUNNY!''''' ''[tosses fake ass]'' There you go. Got your ass handed to you. ''[iris out, then cut to a drum, which the Nerd pops out of in a similar fashion to Porky Pig]'' Ah-duh, ah-duh, duh, that's all, fucks! ''[raises middle finger]''

=== Atari Porn ===

:'''​The Nerd:''' (''playing'' Custer's Revenge) All ya do, is bang the chick, dodge the spears. Bang the chick, dodge the spears. Y'know, ya gotta give this guy credit; he's under attack and he still has the nerve to go over and screw this woman against a cactus. I ''think'' it's a cactus; with Atari, ya really can't tell. You know what bothers me? The spears don't even come down all the way; they like disappear, so it doesn't even make sense when they hit you. But over-analyzin' this game isn't even worth it. It's nothing more than a joke, it stirred up a lot of outrage when it came out in 1982, Native Americans were offended, women activists were offended, parents were offended if their kids got a hold of this, and ''I'' am offended, because this game's a fuckin' pieceashit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''​The Nerd:''' (''playing'' Beat 'Em &amp; Eat 'Em) Y'know, there's ''really'' somethin' wrong with this whole scene. You gotta be a total fuckin' whore to stand naked at the bottom of a building with your mouth wide open to catch jizz from some guy jerkin' off on top of a roof! What kinda sick bitches are these?! And what's the deal with this guy? Either he has a ''huge dick'', or he's a ''dwarf!'' I mean what the fuck kinda game is this?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''​The Nerd:''' Well, what can ya say? Atari and porn. Witches, door-to-door prostitutes, rooftop beaters, cowboy rapists... what more can ya ask for? Remember the commercials? &quot;Have you played Atari today?&quot; Well fuck yeah, I did! But you don't wanna know what I was playin'.

=== [[w:Nintendo Power|Nintendo Power]] ===

:'''AVGN''': It's time to chill out. Nah, don't worry. I'm not goin' mellow on you or anything like that. And, next time, it's gonna be a game review again. But for now, I just want to take you back to one of the most important parts of my childhood: Nintendo Power. You know, today, there's Internet. Anything you want to know about any game, you just look it up. But, back then, your only source of information was magazines, like Nintendo Power. If you had a subscription, you were the man! One of your friends would be breakin' their balls to beat some game and you'll be like, &quot;Oh, I know how to beat that game.&quot;, or, &quot;I know a code.&quot; That's because you had the power. ''Nintendo'' ''Power, motherfucker!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': One thing that used to piss me off was the NES Achievers section. It's just a buncha nerds showin' off their high scores. But, how do you prove it? You have to take a photo of your screen. And, nobody really knew how to do that. Remember, there were no digital cameras back then, so you take the picture of your screen, you have no fuckin' clue what it looks like. And, there could be, like, 20 other pictures on the roll, so, you either have to, like, waste them all or wait until it gets finished. You get your mom or dad to take it to the store to get the picture developed, it comes back, and what does it look like? It looks like fuckin' shit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': 'Member that shitty movie ''[[w:The Wizard (film)|The Wizard]]''? and that fuckin' dumbass ''[[w:Super Mario Bros. (film)|Super Mario Bros.]]'' movie? Man, I remember readin' about that and being so excited, I couldn't ''wait'' to see that movie! But it was just like waitin' for a buffalo to take a shit all over your face. ''(Raspberry)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': As Nintendo Power progressed, the ads went from being weird to just being fuckin' disgusting. Why the Hell is there a jar of toenail clippings in a video game magazine? What were they ''thinking''!? Now, here's the worst one yet. It's some old creepy bitch holdin' a log of shit. Goddamn. One ad was so gross, I stapled the page shut. I'm actually not joking. Then, this one just shows a hurl bag. Yeah, that's great. That just sums up how I feel about the whole situation. Nintendo Power! Don't open unless you've got a barf bag! ''(looks into Nintendo Power, then pretends to vomit into a bag)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': There's also a contest in every issue. Grand prizes would include a sneak showing of the ''Ninja Turtles'' movie, a chance to meet Arnold Schwarzenegger, to win [[w:Bill &amp; Ted's Excellent Adventure|Bill &amp; Ted]]phone booth, to win a ''[[w:Street Fighter II|Street Fighter II]]'' arcade machine, to dig up dinosaurs, or to be an extra in ''The Mask II. The Mask II? (sarcastically)'' Oh, ''that's'' a great prize! ''(normally)'' That movie never got fuckin' made, unless you count ''[[w:Son of the Mask|Son of Mask]]'', but that wasn't until about 10 years later! And, did they give the winner a rain check for that: to be in a movie with a computer-generated baby or any of the other sequels to Jim Carrey movies that don't have Jim Carrey?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(reading letters)'' &quot;It is quite apparent what an active and important role marketing plays in the video game industry. I have to wonder what you are thinking when marketing the Nintendo 64 to elementary school gamers. You risk alienating gamers 15 and up. You should target older gamers, because you'll also target younger ones, since the younger audience's perception of coolness often depends on what the older, teenage audience thinks is cool.&quot; I agree. And the response? &quot;Your suggestion inspired us to target more teens with our marketing, so tune in to a very special episode of ''Friends'' this week to see-&quot; Okay, here's ''my'' letter. &quot;Dear Nintendo Power editor, what the fuck is your problem?&quot;

=== [[w:Fester's Quest|Fester's Quest]] ===

:'''AVGN''': ''(As Fester)'' You were expecting, uh, maybe uh, the ''Ninja Turtles''? ''(a reference to the Nerd's review of the third ''Ninja Turtles'' movie)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(As Wednesday)'' This game better stop sucking ass, or else I'm gonna have to give it the finger. The middle finger!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(As Gomez)'' I think it's a shitload of fuck!
:'''AVGN''': ''(As Fester)'' Think you'd better shut your ass!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(As Fester)'' That's the last guy. It's over.
:'''AVGN''': ''(As Wednesday)'' That's just the first boss.
:'''AVGN''': ''(As Fester)'' That's the last guy.
:'''AVGN''': ''(As Gomez)'' It's not.
:'''AVGN''': ''(As Fester)'' I know, but let's just say that it is, because that's all I can take.

=== [[w:The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (franchise)|The Texas Chainsaw Massacre]] ===

:'''Opening Crawl''': In 1983, a shitty game based on the Texas Chainsaw Massacre was released for the Atari 2600 by Wizard Video Games. It was a tragic failure and tried to aim for the adult market. Its pixelated violence was enough to get it banned from stores or hidden behind the counter, limiting its sales to obscurity. For them, an ideal hit movie-based game would become a nightmare. But had the game been well known, nobody would have expected nor they would wished to see as much of the mad and macabre doodoo diarrhea bullshit as they were to see in that sucky ass game. Close to 25 years later, it would be discovered by one of the most frustrated gaming geeks on the internet, The Angry Video Game Nerd.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[AVGN comes to a barn where a hillbilly playing a banjo is selling old video games]''
:'''AVGN''': What have you got here?
:'''Hillbilly''': Bunch of shit.
:'''AVGN''': I see. Unfortunately this is kind of my thing. ''(Notices the Texas Chainsaw Massacre Atari 2600 cartridge)'' How much is this one right here?
:'''Hillbilly''': A hundred.
:'''AVGN''': A hundred? As in like a hundred dollars?
:'''Hillbilly''': No, shit-for-brains, a hundred centavos. Of course a hundred dollars! We are living in the US of A, ain't we?
:'''AVGN''': I - I'll take it for 50.
:'''Hillbilly''': ..It's a hundred.
:'''AVGN''': It's a piece of shit. Look at this! Look at this stock label! I mean, do you know what this is supposed to be? Can you tell me what this is?
:'''Hillbilly''': I have no idea what that is. I can tell you what it looks like: It looks like the shit stain in the bottom of my [[w:Undergarment|drawers]] right now!
:'''AVGN''': This is a shit stain on a shitty game! That perfectly just sums it all up.
:'''Hillbilly''': That, there, is a rare video game, Boy.
:'''AVGN''': Unfortunately I'm like - like flies on a piece of shit because I just can't stay away from this stuff.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': So, when the game's over, the screen goes black, like a ''Mortal Kombat'' fatality. And the girl kicks you in the butt. How violent, she kicks you in the rear. Now I can take bodies getting slashed apart with the chainsaw, but a kick in the ass? That's fucking hardcore. Fuck this game. What a piece of shit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(after being attacked by Chop Top and Leatherface)'' You've gotta believe me, there's this guy coming after me!
:'''Hillbilly''': Hey, hey! Settle down.
:'''AVGN''': I'm not kidding! I'm really not kidding. He's-
:'''Hillbilly''': Calm down, little buddy. Be cool. Be calm. Be collected... hey, what's that over there? ''(knocks the Nerd out with his banjo)'' Batter-up, bitch boy! ''(starts dragging the Nerd away. As he does so, he sings)'' Hey there, motherfuckers... Don't tell me what I should do... 'Cause they be motherfuckers...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Chop Top''': ''(while the Nerd is being tortured by being forced to play the game)'' How do you like that, Nerd? How do ya like!? How do ya like!? ''(cackles)''
:'''Hillbilly''': Playing that game like he really don't like it? Ain't that a shame. Listen to him whimper like a little girl. HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH hee hee hee! Yeah, boy. ''(the Nerd summons enough rage to free himself from his bindings and make an escape)'' Oh, shit!

=== [[w:Halloween (franchise)|Halloween]] ===
''[the Nerd hears a knock as his door, and sees two kids; one dressed as Optimus Prime and the other dressed as Swamp Thing at his door]''
:'''Optimus Prime &amp; Swamp Thing:''' Trick-or-treat!
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, oh, you want some trick-or-treat? Okay, here's some trick-or-treat for ya! ''[grabs one of the bag and defecates into it. then he hands it back to Optimus Prime &amp; Swamp Thing]''
:'''Optimus Prime &amp; Swamp Thing:''' Ewwwwww!!
:'''The Nerd''': There you go, you little fuckers! There's some chocolate for ya.
:'''Swamp Thing:''' That's not chocolate, that's poop.
:'''The Nerd''': It's not chocolate, nor is it poop. It's ''fuck!''
:'''Optimus Prime''': Hey, you dope! I want some candy!
:'''Swamp Thing''': Yeah, I want some candy!
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, yeah. ''[puts &quot;Halloween&quot; Atari 2600 game back in the box then opens door again.]'' Hey, wait! I got something for you, too! A shitty game! ''[gives it to Optimus Prime]''
:'''Optimus Prime''': What the heck is this?
:'''The Nerd''': It's an Atari game.
:'''Swamp Thing''': What the heck is an Atari, you dope?
:'''The Nerd''': Oh. Oh, you don't know what an Atari is? Oh, okay. Hang on a sec.
:'''Swamp Thing''': First you poo in my bag, then you don't give me any candy. You're a dope.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[gives Atari 2600 to Optimus Prime]'' There you go. Have fun.
:'''Optimus Prime''': Hey, you dope! I want some candy!

=== [[w:Dragon's Lair (Nintendo Entertainment System)|Dragon's Lair]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Did I just die by walking into the fuckin' door!? Yeah. Everything kills you. Literally. Everything.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The decisions to make in this game are similar to if... say you're standing in a pool full of piss all the way up to your neck. Then somebody comes in with a bucket full of fuck to dump on your head. Do you duck down under the piss? Or do you just stay up and take on the shit? This game is like a cruel joke that you play on your friends. It's like, &quot;Hey, you wanna play a game? Here you go, you fuckers!&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': This game is notorious among gamers as being one of the most frustrating games in existence. At some time or another, it seems everyone takes a shot at it, and after this review, I'm sure many more people will suffer over it, which is unfortunate. But to quote ''[[w:Full Metal Jacket|Full Metal Jacket]]'', &quot;It's just one big shit sandwich and we all gotta take a bite.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(upon being returned to the first screen after getting a Game Over on the second)'' Man... Man, fuck that shit. Man, you think I'm gonna put myself through that again?! I - GODDAMMIT MAN - ''(imitates shooting off four of his fingers, leaving the middle one extended upward)'' MAN, FUCK this game, man! Man - Jesus Christ, I'd rather fucking 69 a grizzly bear while shoving [[w:King Kong|King Kong]] up my ass! I'd rather fucking stand in the middle of a ring of monkeys as they pelt me to death with their own anal waste!

=== An Angry Nerd Christmas Carol Part One ===

:'''AVGN''': ''(receiving ''[[w:Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (video game)|Home Alone 2]]'' for the NES in a gift-wrapped box)'' Oh gee. Thanks for sending me this crappy game! Coal would've been nice! Or even better, a bag of poop! So thanks!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': So, you start the game trying to escape from this hotel because they found out that you used a stolen credit card. Now you don't wanna fuck with this hotel - they'll get everybody after ya. Not even just the people who work there, but bouncing old ladies with umbrellas, mops - yeah, crazy bloodthirsty mops will try to get ya. Vacuum cleaners? Yeah, those suck you up. 

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:'''AVGN''': Here, get up the ladder! Get up the fucking ladder! There's birds fucking all over me! Get up the fucking ladder! Fuck, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK! ''(yells in anger and takes the game out of his NES)'' Merry Christmas, you filthy animal! YOU MISERABLE FUCKING CUNTING PIECE OF FUCK! ''(hurls the game off-screen and walks up to his game cabinet)'' Fucky games! All my life! Fucky fucking games! I hate fucky fucking games! And I hate fucky fucking Christmas because fucky fucking Christmas means more ''fucky fucking games!'' HUMBUG! BAH! FUCKING HUMBUG IT TO FUCKKKKKKKKK!!!

=== An Angry Nerd Christmas Carol Part Two ===

:'''Stuttering Craig as the Ghost of Christmas Past''': Greetings, Nerd! Forgive this intrusion, for it is I, the Ghost of Christmas Past!
:'''AVGN:''' ''(hits himself on the head)'' I ain't seeing this!
:'''Ghost of Christmas Past''': Why do you doubt your senses, Nerd?
:'''AVGN:''' Because, I wasn't ready to go completely insane tonight.
:'''Ghost of Christmas Past''': But you already have! Drowning in your own misery and torment!
:'''AVGN:''' ''(Extends his middle finger)'' You see this?
:'''Ghost of Christmas Past''': I ''do'' see it.
:'''AVGN:''' ...But you're not looking at it.
:'''Ghost of Christmas Past''': But I ''see'' it.
:'''AVGN:''' ...Look. Ghost. Why do you come to me?
:'''Ghost of Christmas Past''': Well, to take you back to the past!
:'''AVGN:''' To play the fucky games that suck fuck? No thanks.
:'''Ghost of Christmas Past''': This is ''your'' past, Nerd!

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:'''Handsome Tom as the Ghost of Christmas Present''': You remember the excitement?
:'''AVGN:''' Who are you?
:'''Ghost of Christmas Present''': I'm the Ghost of Christmas Present, bitch.
:'''AVGN:''' Well what do you want?
:'''Ghost of Christmas Present''': I just wanted to remind you the fond memories you had of Super Nintendo. You remember ''[[w:Super Metroid|Metroid]]''? ''[[w:The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past|Zelda]]''? ''[[w:Super Mario World|Mario]]''? You only choose to dwell on crap. You know what you're doing right now?
:'''AVGN:''' Talking to you?
:'''Ghost of Christmas Present''': No, this is all out of body. Don't you get it? Right now you're looking back at reviewing one of the worst games on the Super Nintendo. ''(AVGN looks through a nearby door to see himself reviewing a game.)''
:'''Other AVGN''': ''[[w:Shaq Fu|Shaq Fu]]''. Just the name makes people cringe. Like, you don't even wanna go there. You are so full of fuck.

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:'''Other AVGN''': The title doesn't even sound good. ''Shaq Fu''? It's like a joke. I mean just the fact that they can release a ''fighting'' game starring [[w:Shaquille O'Neal|Shaquille O'Neal]] and call it ''Shaq Fu'' pretty much proves that you can put &quot;Fu&quot; at the end of anything. How about &quot;[[w:Robin Williams|Robin Williams]] Fu&quot; or &quot;[[w:U2|U2]]Fu&quot;? I mean, who came up with this shit!? What, were they smoking crack up their fuck!?

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:'''Future AVGN''': You remember the Nintendo Wii? Yeah, that's actually what they called it. But it was very revolutionary when it first came out. But looking at it now, it's like a baby's toy. Now, I got this bullfuck fuck game called ''[[w:Far Cry Vengeance|Far Cry Vengeance]]''. Now you put the word &quot;Vengeance&quot; at the end of anything, and it's sure to suck.

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:'''AVGN''': IT'S CHRISTMAS! WHAT A GLORIOUS CHRISTMAS DAY! ''(goes back to his games cabinet cackling with euphoria)'' Look at all these games! Look at all these games! I think I'm going to play ''[[w:Super Mario World|Super Mario World]]''! Fuck yeah! This game's awesome! In fact, I should just play good games from now on. ''(after a moment, the Nerd's expression turns sour, and he turns off the game and grabs the Virtual Boy)'' Man, fuck that! Let's play some fucky ones!

=== [[w:The Legend Of Zelda|Chronologically Confused 2: The Legend of Zelda Timeline]] ===
:'''AVGN''': [[w:Shigeru Miyamoto|Shigeru Miyamoto]], the man responsible for all these great games did an interview with Nintendo Power sometime before the release of the [[w:The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time|Ocarina of Time]] and this is what he said. &quot;Ocarina of Time is the first story, then the original [[w:The Legend of Zelda (video game)|Legend Of Zelda]], then [[w:Zelda II: The Adventure of Link|Zelda II: The Adventure of Link]] and finally [[w:The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past|A Link to the Past]]. It's not very clear where [[w:The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening|Link's Awakening]] fits in. It could be anytime after Ocarina of Time.&quot; Now whoa, I'm nobody to argue. Don't get me wrong about the man himself, but how is Link to the Past the last? I had a hard time accepting that any game would take place before it, but now it's the last? Then why is it called Link to the Past? If it was meant to be the end, why wouldn't it be called Link to the Future?

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:'''AVGN''': So what right do I have to argue with Miyamoto? I don't. However, I can offer three explanations to why he says Link to the Past goes at the end. 1, He was being interviewed and he was caught on the spot, so it could've been a simple mistake. 2, Link to the Past was once a prequel, but its place in the timeline changed so his quote is somehow correct. 3, it's just a game so who gives a shit?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Now a second Zelda game was for the Nintendo 64 was released, [[w:The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask|Majora's Mask]]. This one was a sequel to Ocarina of Time. But wait, not a sequel to the end where adult Link defeats Ganon, No! It's a sequel to young Link after he got sent back. So now any speculation of Nintendo ever making a sequel to Zelda II is deader than shit. They can't even make a sequel that follows in consecutive order. Instead, they just keep going back and then maybe taking a small step up again and then back again. We have a sequel to the original, a prequel to the original, a sequel to the prequel, a prequel to the prequel, and a sequel of the young Link of the prequel's prequel. WHAT THE FUCK?! At this point, if you want to try to make any sense out of this whole thing then go right ahead, but not me. At this point, I really didn't give a shit.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': What about the games on the Philips CD-I? There was ''Zelda: Wand of Gamelon'', ''Link: The Faces of Evil'', &amp; ''Zelda’s Adventure''. And hey, Princess Zelda actually plays a bigger role in those games. So why don’t you count those? Maybe because they suck diarrhea shit from an asshole fountain.

=== [[w:Rambo (video game)|Rambo]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Fuck. I gotta do ''this'' one now? Well, guess I might as well, 'cuz there's a new ''Rambo'' movie comin' out. Back in the '80s, ''[[w:Rambo|Rambo]]'' was ''the'' shit, but the NES game was just plain fuck. ''(the Nerd puts the game in the NES toploader)'' Well, it's based off ''[[w:Rambo: First Blood Part II|Rambo: First Blood Part II]]'' rather than the [[w:First Blood|first one]]. I guess making a game where you're going around killing cops... ''probably'' wasn't their best interest. 

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:'''AVGN''': When Rambo meets the girl for the second time in the game, you're given an option. Rather than conducting business, you can say: &quot;What do you think of me?&quot; The game doesn't advance until you stop asking it, so what's the point? And how cocky can Rambo be to expect a compliment? She could have said, &quot;What do I think of you? You look like a hairless gorilla and when your mouth is open, you really freak me out.&quot;

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:'''AVGN''': Why does the fuckin' password have to be so godfuckingdamn long?! Is it really necessary to have both capital and lowercase letters, as well as numbers, question marks and exclamation marks too?! If you're writing this down, you're gonna get confused. S's look like 5's, 0's look like O's, capital and lowercase letters can look identical, and lowercase L's look like 1's and uppercase I's. That's something I have '''''no''''' tolerance for. The password system should be '''''simple, straightforward, and easy to use.''''' As long as you know the password, you should be able to enter it, and '''move on.''' It doesn't need to be a '''''fucking project!''''' Fuckholes!

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:'''AVGN''': But then comes ''[[w:Rambo (2008 film)|Rambo.]]'' How do you follow ''[[w:Rambo III|Rambo III]]'' with just ''Rambo?'' That doesn't even make any sense. It's like you're going backwards. So, now if someone says, &quot;I'm watching ''Rambo,''&quot; it's like, &quot;Oh. Oh, what do you mean? Do you mean ''First Blood?'' Or do you mean ''Rambo: First Blood Part II?'' Or do you mean ''Rambo,'' the 4th movie?&quot; That's what it is, the fourth fuckin' movie! Why couldn't they have just called it ''Rambo IV?'' One, two, three, four!! ''(Pretends to have head explosion, then goes nuts and collapses on the floor while he rips a poster off the wall.)''

== Season Three ==

=== [[w:Virtual Boy|Virtual Boy]] ===
:'''The Nerd''':  Virtual reality seemed like the way of the future. Just the idea feeling like you were in the game was an awesome concept. But instead, it turned out to be the grand mother-load of shit. The first problem was it was marketed as a portable system. Yeah, portable. My ass is portable! You could barely find a comfortable way to play this big, red, ugly piece of shit at home, let alone bring it somewhere. Like, you couldn't play it in a car or something like that. And, come to think of it, you wouldn't want to play this thing in public anyway. You'd look like an asshole!
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:'''The Nerd''': [''playing'' Galactic Pinball] So, in the long run, it just makes you wish you were playing a real pinball machine instead or anything other than this. '''''I feel like I'm taking an eye exam.''''' And speaking of that, my eyes are starting to hurt already. If you play this long enough and go blind, you can really become the [[Tommy (The Who album)|Pinball Wizard]].
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:'''The Nerd''':  Well now, we saved the worst for last: It's ''[[w:Waterworld (video game)|Waterworld]]''.  Now, let's just stop for a moment and take this in, okay? ''[Breathes deeply]'' ''Waterworld''... on Virtual Boy. It's like pukin' on a pile of shit!

=== [[w:The Wizard of Oz (video game)|The Wizard of Oz]] ===

:'''The Nerd:''' But now, on with the game. Let's start off with the enemy run-down. We got bloodthirsty bluebirds, frogs, chattering teeth, pink soldiers, some weird-looking dude, flying elephants which are supposed to be monkeys, a blobby blue guy, and killer chairs. Is this ''[[w:The Wizard of Oz (1939 film)|Wizard of Oz]]'' or ''[[w:Pee-wee's Playhouse|Pee-wee's Playhouse]]''? Then, there's all these buzz saws. Kinda violent, don't you think? Everything imaginable wants you dead. Even water faucets coming out of trees. Even the hands of a clock can kill you. ''(holding an analog clock)'' Oh God, there it is! Watch out for the clock! ''(imitates getting attacked by the clock)''

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:'''The Nerd:''' Remember the scene from the movie where Dorothy kicks the shit out of a giant crow wearing a vest?

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:'''Cowardly Lion:''' With a knuck! And a ruck! And a fuck! And a f-fuck!
:'''The Nerd:''' Hey man, did you just swear?!
:'''Cowardly Lion:''' Uh, ''(laughs)'' yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, fuck you, fuck you, dick, dick, dick! ''(laughs)''
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(resumes explaining the game)'' Now, the only problem with the Lion is that after he dies only once...
:'''Cowardly Lion:''' ''(Gasps)'' Die?
:'''The Nerd:''' ...he never comes back!
:'''Cowardly Lion:''' ''(The Cowardly Lion runs out, but dies in an explosion.)'' Fuck!

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:'''The Nerd:''' SHIT! Come on!
:'''Cowardly Lion:''' ''(Chuckles)'' ''(He sees the Wicked Witch)'' Oh, is that the Witch? Is that the Witch? She's a bitch, not a witch! (Chortles)
:'''The Nerd:''' Come on, you fuckin' green bitch! Melt like diarrhea in the hot sun!
:'''Cowardly Lion:''' (Chortles) Yeah! Now, Shove her broom right up her ass! Fuck that bitch! Fuck that bitch! Fuck! Wicked Witch of the East, Wicked Witch of the West, Wicked Witch of the fuck, Wicked Witch of my ass! (Chortles and barks)

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:'''The Nerd:''' There's no shitty game like this, I'm serious. Like, it shouldn't have been made. Like, it's almost half as bad as ''Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde''. And I know it's been like 40-something reviews and I'm still talking about ''Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde''. But I'm serious, it's really almost that bad! FUCK THIS GAME, WATCH IT GO! ''(The Nerd throws the game, the same time the Cowardly Lion shits while doing a handstand making the game glued to the ceiling.)'' Daaaaaamn! You just plastered the game on my ceiling with your shit!
:''(The Lion laughs)''

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:''[Outtake]''
:'''Cowardly Lion:''' Wicked Witch of the East, Wicked Witch of the West, Wicked Witch of my balls, Wicked Witch of the fuck, Wicked Witch of my dick, Wi-- Wicked Witch of the ass. Wi-- Wicked Witch...
:''''The Nerd:''' ''[cracking up]'' Wicked Witch of the ass! ''[Laughs]''

=== Double Vision Part One ===

:'''The Nerd:''' The [[w:Intellivision|Intellivision]] came from [[w:Mattel|Mattel Electronics]]. Now, you know what else they made? The Power Glove. Now, that's a bad sign right there. But, it was a great game system for its time.

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:'''The Nerd:''' The games barely fit in the cartridge slot. It's like trying to stick your dick in a Cheerio.

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:'''The Nerd:''' Okay, we gotta move on, but let me introduce the [[w:Intellivoice|Intellivoice Voice Synthesis Module]]. What the fuck is that? Well, it makes your games talk. Yeah. Now, at the time, the idea having voices in video games was a new thing. But unfortunately, only a few games were compatible, like ''[[w:B-17 Bomber (video game)|B-17 Bomber]].''
:'''Electronic Voice:''' Mattel Electronics presents: ''(hillbilly voice)'' ''B-17 Bomber.''
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(mimics the voice)'' '''''B-17 BOMBER!'''''
:'''Electronic Hillbilly Voice:''' ''B-17 Bomber!''
:'''The Nerd:''' Alright, fuck the game. Let's try ''Bomb Squad.''
:'''Electronic Voice:''' Mattel Electronics presents: ''Bomb Squad.'' ''(Alarm buzzes)'' They'll never do it in time! The code! The code! Figure out the code!
:'''The Nerd:''' '''''What?''''' Guess I gotta defuse the bomb.
:'''Electronic Voice:''' It won't be easy! Replace this third, this fourth, this second, this first!
:'''The Nerd:''' '''''Oh, shit!''''' '''''OH, SHIT! OH, GOD! '''(Exploding)''

=== Double Vision Part Two ===

:'''The Nerd:''' ''(Also sprach Zarathustra from ''2001: A Space Odyssey'' plays in the background)'' What's that? A metamorphic stone rising from the blackness and negative Earth, a towering behemoth of monstrosity brought down by extraterrestrial powers, or a giant monolith of death, Hell-bent on the annihilation of humankind, time, and all matter? No. It's the AC adapter for a [[w:Colecovision|Colecovision]]''(The Nerd &quot;struggles&quot; to pick it up.)'' '''WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY THINKING?!''' IS THIS NECESSARY?! Look! I can't fit this Godforsaken piece of shit in the electrical outlet, unless there's nothing next to it! What a fucking hog! That's what it is; a self-indulgent glutton of a power hog.

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:'''The Nerd:''' [Campaign '84] &quot;'''You were seen putting your shoes on before you put on your pants.'''&quot; Okay, well who the hell was watching me get dressed!? If I wanna put my shoes on first, that's my own goddamn business!

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:'''The Nerd:''' But before I end it, let's take a look at the ColecoVision Expansion Module. Yeah, what gaming system is complete without some kind of peripheral? You plug it in, and now you can play Atari 2600 games. That's right, I'm playing Atari on ColecoVision, its competitor. Okay, that would ''never'' happen today. That's like if Sony said, &quot;Okay, we're gonna come out with this new expansion module for the [[w:Playstation 3|Playstation 3]]. You're gonna be able to play [[w:X-Box|X-Box]] games on it.&quot; ''There would be lawsuits up the ass!''

=== [[w:The Wizard (film)|The Wizard]] and [[w: Super Mario Bros. 3|Super Mario Bros. 3]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' Especially when you get to the last world, it can get real challenging. This part doesn't fuck around. It's like, &quot;you got to the end, you dare to play, welcome to Hell.&quot; That's what it looks like, all this fire and skulls, it looks like Hell! There's sorta like a heart shape around it. Yeah, a heart around Hell. Does that mean that this game loves Hell? This game worships the Devil! Oh, my God, of course it does! Why is there so many inverted crosses? What's the H stand for? Hell?? How about the part with the Tarot cards? The &quot;N&quot;? Necronomicon?? The &quot;P&quot; must be Possession. Or maybe Pentagram. Well, of course, the pentagram makes an appearance everywhere. It's no doubt that the seven sons of Bowser represent the Seven Deadly Sins. You kneel before Satan on the block, and after 6 seconds, you fall through. There's 6 arrows on the possession meter, and to reach the goal, you go to the 6th door. That's 666. Everywhere you look, it's the Number of the Beast. In ''The Wizard'', the game's introduction is basically the gates of Hell opening.
'''Video Armageddon Host:''' Come up here, my little beauties!!
'''Crowd:''' 6! 6! 6!
:'''The Nerd:''' Yeah, &quot;Video Armageddon!&quot; The Devil watches you through the whole game. The clouds have eyes, the hills have eyes. Heh, literally, &quot;the hills have eyes.&quot; Thanks Heaven, and we know that there's no need to thank Heaven unless there's the presence of ​Hell. There's 8 worlds. In the eighth world, there's 5 spaces you can stand on where giant hands drag you down to your doom. There's 12 tanks you gotta jump on before the goal, and it takes me 12 jumps to get Bowser to fall down the hole. The 8th letter of the alphabet is H, 5 equals E, 12 equals L, what's that spell? HELL! And what's it sound like when you play the game backwards? (footage is reversed; profanity-laced subliminal message plays) This game's a product of the fucking devil. And none of the other Mario games were like this, so I don't know why it's only this one. But in conclusion, all I can say is that, other than being the total epitome of evil, ''Super Mario Bros. 3'', it's a good game. So good, it's a ''sin''.

=== [[w:List of Nintendo Entertainment System accessories|NES Accessories]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''[Reviewing the [[w:Miracle Piano|Miracle Piano]]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt;'' Other than having standard lessons, you also get a robot game. Play the song right or the robot dies! Then there's a duck game You gotta shoot the ducks. Oh, come on! ''[begins tapping keys rapidly]'' Yeah, I'm shooting ducks with a piano!

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[reviewing the Power Pad and playing ''World Class Track Meet'' with it]'' It was meant to be a family game, but most kids I knew played it alone in their room. And that meant that if your room was upstairs, your parents would hear like all this thumping and shit. They hated it. Cats and dogs would piss and shit on it. In fact, just thinking about it... makes me feel like having an anal evacuation.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Yeah. It all comes down to tapping buttons, which brings us to our next accessory. Probably the ''stupidest'' thing ever invented: The SpeedBoard. What is it? It's a piece of fucking plastic. You attach your controller, you get it? In case you don't wanna hold the controller with your hands, in case you enjoy playing on the floor, or behind a table, then this is for you. It's embarrassing. What's the point? To put the speed at your fingers? ''Why in the '''ass''' would I need '''that?''''' If I'm playing a game that involves having to tap the buttons like crazy, I'm probably gonna get a turbo controller, like the NES Max, or NES Advantage. How could they even ''sell'' such a thing? Even though it's made by [Pressman Toys,] a third party company, it was actually licensed by Nintendo. It's like covering a turd in ice cream sprinkles.
:'''The Nerd''': Next up, oh boy: the [[w:Konami|Konami]] [[w:LaserScope|LaserScope.]] Now, I just wanna go on record by saying I fuckin' love Konami, but this thing reeks of ass! It's essentially yet another form of the Zapper, but it's voice-controlled. To shoot, you say &quot;Fire!&quot;
:'''The Nerd''': '''''Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire!''''' It also has headphones, and it advertises on the box that you can use it for your Game Boy or Walkman. Just detach the scope module, yeah. Wow. Yeah, I would look &quot;so cool&quot; walking around listening to my [[w:iPod|iPod]] with this fuckin' thing on my head.
:'''The Nerd:''' It also advertises that &quot;Parents will love what they don't hear.&quot; It says, &quot;While the LaserScope surrounds the player with the sounds of exciting gameplay action, non players can listen to music, read a book, talk on the phone or have a conversation in the same room.&quot; Yeah. While you're saying, '''''&quot;Fire! Fire! Fire!&quot;,''''' it kinda defeats the purpose, right? '''''Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire!''''' Fuck! ''[game shoots]'' I didn't say &quot;Fire!&quot;, I said &quot;Fuck!&quot; Fuck! Fuck-Fire! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Ass! You can say anything. Shit! Bitch! Cunt! Fuck! Fart! ''[shifts to [[w:Duck Hunt|Duck Hunt]].]'' ''Fuck!'' Heh. Wow, I just shot down a duck by sayin' &quot;Fuck!&quot;

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:'''The Nerd''': [of the Roll &amp; Rock] I'm drinkin' Rolling Rock... ''on'' the Roll &amp; Rocker! Rolling Rock, Roll &amp; Rocker! Yeah, Rolling Rock ''on'' the Roll &amp; Rocker! ''[drinks more Rolling Rock]''

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[Playing ''[[w:Super Mario Bros.|Super Mario Bros.]]'' with the [[w:U-Force|U-Force]]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt;'' Get the mushroom, oh-- Aw, now that's assy. Yeah, I know I use the word &quot;ass&quot; a lot. I guess you can say I'm an ass-oholic.

=== [[w:Indiana Jones (franchise)|Indiana Jones Trilogy]] ===

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': If even a single pixel of your body comes in contact with any of these walls, it sends you back into the trap. But still, where do you go? You're supposed to touch this one spot on the wall which leads you to the next room. Well, after knowing that you can't touch anything else in the room, ''why the fuck'' would you even consider trying to go through the wall?! Is there ever such a thing as a ''door''?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(Reviewing ''[[w:Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (Nintendo Entertainment System)|Temple of Doom]]'' for [[w:Nintendo Entertainment System|NES]])'' What's up with Indiana Jones? He looks like a park ranger, and he walks like he just dumped ass.

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:'''AVGN''': All through the game you keep finding swords and guns and stuff but the big question is What do you do with them? The start button brings up this screen which shows your supplies. But how do you select your weapons? You try every button and nothing works. So what's the point of this screen? Nothing. It's just for shits and giggles. Oh well, we're having fun with our whip in the meantime. Then you find that your whip is pretty useless. You can use it to swing around and kill small insects but any of the regular bad guys, it only make them jitter around and grunt.
:'''Enemy''': Huh! Huh!
:'''AVGN''': Huh! It should be a dance. ''(Pretends he's whipping)'' Huh! Huh! Whip it! Huh! Huh!

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:'''AVGN''': ''(reviewing ''The Last Crusade'' on NES)'' How is Indiana Jones such a wimp that he can't set foot in water more shallow than a kiddie pool?

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:'''AVGN''': What dumbasses made this game? [[w:Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade|Should've sent it to the Marx brothers.]]

=== [[w:Star Trek games|Star Trek]] ===
:''[A Klingon ship is attacking The Nerd's house]''
:'''The Nerd''': Wha-what is it, you want Genesis? ''[The Nerd picks up a Sega Genesis]'' You can have Genesis!

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:''[The Nerd turns off the NES Toploader, takes out the game, puts a phaser to it and is about to blast it out of existence, but he hesitates, eases off, and shakes his head.]''
:'''The Nerd''': No. I won't destroy it. Maybe the game designers did the best they could under the given circumstances. ''[to air]'' You hear? You'll have to get your entertainment someplace else. ''[a floating Metron appears in the Nerd's room.]'' You're a Metron.
:'''Metron''': ''Does my appearance surprise you, Nerd?''
:'''The Nerd''': Not really.
:'''Metron''': ''You surprise me.''
:'''The Nerd''': How?
:'''Metron''': ''By sparing the shitty game, you have demonstrated the advanced trait of mercy.''
:'''The Nerd''': ''Mercy '''this,''' motherfucker!'' ''[shoots the Metron]''

=== [[w:Superman video games|Superman]] ===

:'''AVGN''': It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's a shitty game! ''Superman'' for the [[w:Atari 2600|Atari 2600]]. I'm playing it on the [[w:Atari 7800|7800]] just for variety. But anyway, what could be said about Superman? He's one of the most famous superheros of all time. Even the word &quot;super&quot; is in his name. A word that implies excellence, outstanding quality and brilliant divine maginificence! ''(Gameplay of the Atari 2600 game is shown)'' Yeah, this sucks.

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:'''AVGN''': ''(reviewing ''[[w:Superman (Atari game)|Superman]]'' on Atari 2600)'' The whole game is based around the clock - it's all about getting the fastest time, but the only thing that'll eventually happenis you'll throw the game out the window faster than a speeding bullet!

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:'''AVGN''': ''(reviewing ''[[w:superman (Kemco game)|Superman]]'' on NES)'' You have a map screen which seems like it should be self-explanatory enough, but there's times when you have to use a subway train. &quot;'''Oops! You can't ride the subway with no pass!'''&quot; What, are you kidding me? He's ''Superman''! He needs to buy a fuckin' ticket?!

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:'''AVGN''': There's no reason to talk to anybody in this game. It's like in ''Castlevania II: Simon's Quest''. The whole game is full of people who tell you things that don't make any sense or have any [[relevance]] with the game. For example, this old woman tells you not to &quot;look into the Death Star, or you will die&quot;. Well, the [[w:Death Star|Death Star]] is nowhere in the game. Both of these games were released in 1988. Now that must have been the year of people talking and not making sense in video games. ''(talks to an NPC in ''Superman'')'' '''&quot;Haven't you seen the movie, Superman?&quot;''' Yeah, I did, actually! It's nothing like this ''garbage''!

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:'''AVGN''': ''(discussing the stage intermission screen resembling a [[w:Daily Planet|Daily Planet]] newspaper)'' What? &quot;'''Daily Planets'''&quot;? Isn't it just the Daily Planet? I don't know, I've had enough of this. Wait a minute. &quot;'''Stock Market Panic! Stock prices fall!'''&quot;? What, are we talking about ''stocks'' now? &quot;'''Find out why stock prices have fallen'''&quot;. &quot;'''You'll learn about stocks at the stock market.'''&quot; Okay, that's the goal here? To go to the ''stock market''? Oh my god. Do you remember being a kid? Do you remember playing Nintendo? What kind of things were you interested in? Comic books? Video games? Uhhm... the ''stock market''? Yeah, do you think any kid playing this game gives a shit about the fucking stock market?! Just, just, w-wh-''why''? W-wh-why make a game that has anything to do with stocks or taxes or politics? You just don't do that! It's like &quot;What were they thinking!?&quot; Stocks?! I just can't... I just... puh-''(raspberry)''. Augh, God. I just... what a shitload of fuck. That's enough for me. This game is just so awful that it can't be explained. I can review it for another hour and it won't make a difference. It's an unreviewable game. Can not be done justice! If you want to play it and see for yourself, I dare you. But just one warning: You will not be happy. Oh wait, this guy here just gave me a password? What's that for? Like if I want to continue here where I left off? Well, that's completely useless. There's no way I would ever need this password and you wanna know why? Because I'm never fucking playing this game again in my life! ''(Tosses the game out the window)''

=== [[w:Superman 64|Superman 64]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Okay, the wait is finally over. This is the review that everybody wants to see. Here it is, ''Superman''... on [[w:Commodore 64|Commodore 64]].

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:'''AVGN''': Remember those early CD based consoles like the PlayStation and you'd always have to wait for everything to load? Well, it's nothing like that; this thing actually takes 2 minutes and 7 seconds. Yeah, I timed it. Then the title screen starts up with the music, and you're like, ''&quot;WOW!&quot;'' But wait, what the hell's this? Type in the character that appears in &quot;column: 09 row:10&quot;? Oh, come on! I gotta get the code card. Yeah, the code card. Match up the damn numbers and there you go, it's 5. 'WHY DO I GOTTA DO THAT!? So you pick your difficulty, and guess what? It's gotta load again! Fifty-four seconds this time. Not long, but seems like an eternity. So anyway, you get this comic book storyline thing, and then- ''[the &quot;NOW LOADING&quot; screen appears yet again]'' You son-of-a-bitch! Probably two weeks later when you finally start playing the game, you'll be surprised that the graphics are quite decent and the gameplay is self-explanatory. You just fly around and shoot stuff. You don't have to be Clark Kent and find subway passes or any bullshit like that, so it's actually better than the Nintendo version. But that's not sayin' much. That's like sayin' the shit that I took last night was better than the shit I took the day before.

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:'''AVGN''': ''[holds up Superman 64 cartridge]'' Aw, come on, you really wanna make me play this? Well, I'm gonna do it just for you, 'cause I like ya a lot. Now don't take that too serious.

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:'''AVGN''': First, you're greeted by a smiling cartoon fox. &quot;''Tittus''&quot;? What the fuck is that?

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:'''AVGN''': Looks like Superman's strokin' his super dick.

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:'''AVGN''': ''(after finishing the car-carrying stage 4)'' So I get to the goal, and guess what's next? Seriously, I want you to just take a guess what comes after this. More rings. Yeah. What kind of game is this!? Is this some sort of ''insanity test''?! Well, I'm done. I'm sorry, but that's all I can do. This game doesn't even ''qualify'' as shit! It's like the equivalent of ''shit'' takin' a shit! This is unspeakably, ''shockingly'' bad. It's sickeningly '''loathsome!''' '''It's a fuckin' suffering to the mind'''! It's a bunch of fuck and it doesn't belong on this planet! Somebody's gotta take care of it! This is a job for the fuckin' Nerd! ''[a rock version of [[w:Superman March|Superman Theme]] plays as the Nerd unbuttons his shirt to reveal a blue Superman shirt. Flies up to the sun and tosses the game into it.]''

=== [[w:List of Batman computer and video games|Batman Part One]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''[dressed up as Batman]'' All right, ''[takes off his glasses]'' let's dig in to a big pile of bat shit. As you can see, I'm all ready, because, ''[puts on Bat-Mask]'' in order to play bad Batman games, and do 'em justice... ''[puts glasses back on]'' ''[Batman voice]'' ...you gotta be Batman.

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:'''Batnerd''': ''[Batman: The Caped Crusader]'' There's also this annoying menu screen that keeps popping up. It took me a while to figure out that I activate this thing by pressing Down and the button.
:'''Batnerd''': So I get to this menu by total accident, and I don't know what to do here. What ''is'' all this shit? &quot;Restart game&quot;? Who the fuck's talkin' about restarting? ''[tries to type &quot;N&quot;, but the keyboard doesn't respond]''  Oh, the keypad's busted. Oh, that's great. Yeah, and that's another thing about the Commodore: It only works when it feels like it.
:'''Batnerd''': Well, anyway, the game sucks, gotta give it the Batman punishment! ''[Batman voice]'' '''''I'm Batman.''''' ''[throws the &quot;Batman: The Caped Crusader&quot; Commodore 64 disk to the ground]''

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:'''Batnerd''': Next up, ''[[w:Batman Forever (video game)|Batman Forever]]'' for the Super Nintendo. Now we're in deep shit, because this game is triceratops testicles.

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:'''Batnerd''': Fuck! Shit! Get up there! This is fuckin' '''''BULLSHIT!''''' You'd think to shoot up you just press up, but ''no,'' it '''''jumps!''''' Sometimes I get it to work by '''''pure luck''''' until I found out that, okay, '''''this''''' is how it works: To shoot up, you press '''select''' and '''up''' in a '''''very specific way.''''' You have to press select ''slightly before'' you press jump. If you do it correctly, it shoots the grappling hook straight up in the air. But if you press them both at the same time, you just jump! '''THAT'S A ''GOOD'' REASON WHY THE ''JUMP'' BUTTON SHOULD ''NOT BE UP!!'' WHY CAN'T IT BE ONE OF THE FUCKIN' ''BUTTONS?! HAVIN' THE FUCKIN' UP BUTTON JUMP IS FUCKIN' FUCKED UP!!!''''' If '''''this''''' ''[up on the d-pad]'' aimed your grappling hook and '''''THIS''''' ''[B button]'' jumped, '''''THEN IT WOULD BE FINE! BUT, NO! THEY GOTTA BE THE SAME BUTTON!'''''

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:'''Batnerd''': I'd rather have a diarrhea dog take '''''LAVA DUMP''''' all over the screen!

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:''[the Batnerd is in shock over the bad controls of the game]''
:'''Batnerd''': '''WH- THIS IS ''FUCKED'' BEYOND BELIEF!!!''' It's like, the controls in this game are like something you do for a cheat code, '''''not a basic move that you HAVE TO DO in order to play the game!''''' '''Why'd they program it in such an ''asinine, ball-brained, cockamamie, RIDICULOUS FASHION?!''''' It's like, geez, there's four buttons right in the front of the controller! '''LIKE, THAT'S ''NOT ENOUGH'' TO WORK WITH?!''' Instead, they have to, like, program it, like, all into, like, weird, kinda, crazy button combinations and shit?! It's like, what were they thinking?! It's like, '''''up''''' is jump?! '''''Select''''' for the grappling hook?! Select shouldn't even be part of the game, select should be like for the ''menus,'' or something. '''I mean, jeez, like, were they tryin' to just ruin this game? Just flat out, just ''fuck it up?!''''' Well, they did! Batman Forever, '''it ''sucked'' back then, and it ''sucks'' forever!'''
:'''Batnerd''': ''[Batman voice]'' '''I'm Batmaaaaan.''' ''[throws &quot;Batman Forever&quot; to the floor]''
:'''Batnerd''': ''[Batman voice]'' That's it, that's all the shitty Batman games I can take. The review's over.
:''[Joker laughs insanely in the background and appears from behind the couch]''
:'''Joker''': Batman! Batman, you wanna play a '''''really shitty''''' Nintendo game, Batman? Well, how 'bout, ''Return of the Joker'' on the Nintendo Entertainment System, Batman?
:'''Batnerd''': ''[normal voice]'' Yeah, but, I'm not really Batman, though.
:'''Joker''': You're not Batman?! Batman, you're Batman, I'm Batman! ''[laughs insanely]'' Come on, Batman, let's play! Come o- ''[Batnerd punches him in the face and picks him up]''
:'''Batnerd''': I'm not playin' anymore shitty Batman games!
:'''Joker''': ''[chortles]'' Yes, you are! ''[water squirts out of the Joker's flower into the Batnerd's face]'' ''[laughs insanely]'' Ooh, Batman, let me give you a hand! ''[The Batnerd grabs the Joker's hand, and gets electrocuted by a joy buzzer while the Joker laughs and puts &quot;Return of the Joker&quot; into the NES Top Loader and the caption &quot;TO BE CONTINUED...&quot; appears on the screen]''
:'''Batnerd''': ''[narrating]'' Will the Batnerd escape the Joker? What bad games does he have up his sleeve? Tune in next episode, same bat time, same bat channel!

=== [[w:List of Batman computer and video games|Batman Part Two]] ===

:'''Batnerd''': Look at this pandemonium! There's a fucking ceiling waiting to come down and kill me, there's a guy throwing an oil drum, if I try to get out of the way I get hit by these rotating blades and shit. I take the guy down, and then I try to set off the ceiling trap, and... I'm dead.
:''[Joker laughs crazily at Batnerd's misfortune]''
:'''Batnerd''': Shut up!
:'''Joker''': [briefly angry] Fuck you, motherfucker! ''[laughs resumes laughing]''

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:'''Batnerd''': ''[playing &quot;Batman: Return of the Joker&quot; on Game Boy]'' The controls are like trying to get a horse to wipe its ass on an eagle.

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:'''Batnerd''': I swear that these games were programmed by [[w:The Joker|the Joker.]]

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:'''Batnerd''': ''[playing ''Batman: Revenge of the Joker'' on Sega Genesis]'' What's with the gargoyle statues? You shoot them and get nothing. What's the point? And why does it hurt you to touch them? '''''BATMAN CAN'T EVEN TOUCH A FUCKING STATUE?!'''''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Batnerd''': '''''OKAY, SO WHAT'S WITH THIS FUCKING BULLSHIT?!''''' What, do they just die whenever they feel like it? Like is it a glitch, or is it some obscure trick that I don't know about? It's just the first level of the game! '''AGAIN! ''THE FIRST FUCKING LEVEL,'' AND I CAN'T GO ANY FURTHER!''' I've had enough of this catastrophe!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Batnerd''': ''[after subduing the Joker]'' I'm gonna shove these fucking games up your ''ass!'' ''Batman: Revenge of the Joker!'' ''[Joker screams]'' ''Batman: Return of the Joker!'' ''[Joker screams]'' ''Batman Forever!'' ''[Joker screams]'' ''Batman: Return of the Joker'' on Game Boy! ''[Joker screams again]'' And last but not least, ''Batman'' on Commodore 64! ''[Joker screams]''

=== [[w:Deadly Towers|Deadly Towers]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': This is a very special episode because I'm not gonna review the game, the fans are. Yeah. For the first time I asked the fans to recount their experiences with the game and send them to a specified email address. And as a result, this one inbox got over 6,000 messages. So, if you're one of the lucky ones, then I hope you enjoy hearing your words coming out of my mouth. But regardless, thanks for the submissions, thanks for supporting the show, this one's my little reward, to you. Enjoy.

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:'''The Nerd''': Oh, this must be why the attack is so slow: Our hero must pass the blades out of his cock! Hell, if broadswords shooting out of my cock was my only defense against purple inchworms &amp; bats, I’d probably let them kill me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Even the manual says, &quot;You have no confidence in this sword.&quot; What the fuck kind of advice is that? That's like saying &quot;Buddy, if you play this game, '''YOU'RE GONNA GET FUCKED UP THE ASSHOLE WITH A ''PORCUPINE!! GOOD FUCKIN' LUCK, DOUCHEBAG!&quot;''''' 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''':  You get an inventory screen. It's empty right now, but it seems pretty standard. It tells you your life and everything. It also has this thing called 'ludder'. Yeah, it says you have 50 ludder. I can only assume that that's currency, so I Googled it to check what it meant and according to an Urban Dictionary, 'ludder' means 'cheap-ass hoe'! So, therefore we're already starting out with 50 cheap-ass hoes, so we're doing alright for ourselves. I wonder what the exchange rate is for the expensive whores?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''':  Oh, and the music. The bubbly sound of ripping ass isn't even an adequate way to describe the music in this game!

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:'''The Nerd''':  When they named this game ''Deadly Towers'', they weren't kidding. The last time I saw towers this deadly was when they decided the horses need more fiber in their diets! This game is so fucking hard, it's easier to lift an elephant with my ass while singing Old MacDonald!

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:'''The Nerd''': Das Spiel ist Scheiße! Dieses Spiel fickt dich härter als das Leben! (Translation: The game is shit! This game fucks you harder than life!) Well, I gave that a try.

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:'''The Nerd''': This game is like a never-ending turd that bends around and goes into your mouth, thus creating an endless cycle of eating your own shit whilst taking a crap and occasionally puking up the same for all eternity!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Fuck this game! No, better yet, ''don't'' fuck this game! Don't let your friends fuck it! It's '''unfuckworthy!'''

=== [[w:Battletoads|Battletoads]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' ''Battletoads'' on Nintendo. Now, don't worry, it's a good game. It's actually one of the most memorable games in the NES library. But when it first came out, a lot of people were thinkin', &quot;What is this, a cheap ''Ninja Turtles'' knockoff, or somethin'?&quot; But, uh, it was actually pretty good-- ''[he turns to his right and notices Kyle]'' Who the fuck are you?
:'''Kyle:''' I'm your guitar guy. ''[the Nerd doesn't get it.]'' I sing your theme song... from... behind the couch.
:'''The Nerd:''' Well then, go back behind the damn '''''COUCH!''''' Geez!
:'''Kyle:''' You know, that's not the welcome I really expected.
:'''The Nerd:''' Well, look, you can't just sit here while I do the review.
:'''Kyle:''' ''[stutters]'' Why can't I do the review with you?
:'''The Nerd:''' Oh, uh-- '''''because that's not how it WORKS!''''' It's, like, I play the game, and you-- Get your ass back ''behind the'' '''FUCKIN''''  '''''COUCH!!'''''
:'''Kyle:''' ''[angrily; while fighting back his tears]'' I don't ever get to do anything; you don't even use my song that much anymore.
:'''The Nerd:''' Why are you always behind my damn couch anyway?!
:'''Kyle:''' There are no other couches to go behind!

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:'''The Nerd''': The intro shows 3 toads: Rash, Pimple, &amp; Zitz. Why such disgusting names? How about Herpes, Genital Warts, &amp; Gonorrhea?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Level 3 restarts]''
:'''The Nerd''': What? You ''gotta'' be fuckin' kidding me. YOU died, but we ''both'' have to restart the level!
:'''Kyle:''' Sorry.

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:'''Kyle:''' ''[singing]'' ''He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard...''
:'''The Nerd''': '''YOU BET YOUR ''ASS!!!'''''

=== [[w:Dick Tracy (video game)|Dick Tracy]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': Remember when everybody was talkin' about ''Dick Tracy?'' 1990, the Warren Beatty film comes out. Everybody went from &quot;Who's Dick Tracy?&quot; to '''''&quot;WHOA,''''' Dick Tracy's the '''''SHIT!'''''&quot; It was like a contemporary film noir; stylish with colorful comic book-style visuals and an all-star cast: Al Pacino, Dustin Hoffman, fuckin' Madonna, but it was kinda over-the-top and silly.
:'''Big Boy''': You dumb Dick.
:'''The Nerd''': It was all right, but its popularity was short-lived. I think it was just an excuse for the kids to say &quot;Dick&quot;.
:'''Flattop''': I guess that's the end of Dick.
:'''Itchy''': Yeah. 30 seconds, no more Dick! 30 seconds, no more Dick!
:'''Big Boy:''' Dumb Dick.
:'''The Nerd:''' You know, [[w:Dick Van Dyke|Dick Van Dyke]] is in the movie. ''[turns to the camera]'' You think that's enough Dicks? ''[holds up the &quot;Dick Tracy&quot; VHS to the camera]'' Like, seriously, when this movie came out, I never said &quot;Dick&quot; so much before in my life. Every kid on the block was runnin' around sayin' &quot;Dick Tracy&quot;, &quot;Dick Tracy&quot;, &quot;Dick this&quot; and &quot;Dick that&quot;! My dad said, &quot;Can't you just call him Richard Tracy?&quot; And I was like, &quot;You know... how is 'Dick' short for 'Richard'?&quot; That doesn't even make any sense. It's like Bill and William, or Jim and James. But at least Bill and Will rhyme, and Jim and James both start with a J. But Richard and Dick? Like, nobody ever says &quot;Dickard&quot;.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' So you get to 5th &amp; B, you go inside, and then the game goes to a side-scroller mode. ''[Zooms in on Dick Tracy's in-game sprite]'' What the hell's wrong with Dickard? He looks like he's got a bad suntan.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' So I go straight over to 8th &amp; J, and it's swarming with bad guys. Even going into this place with full health, it's hard to survive to the end. It's hard as Dick. 
:'''The Nerd:''' So, I get to Numbers, I arrest him, and then...I need more ''evidence?''
:''[footage of the game with Dick Tracy's superior officer scolding him by saying, &quot;You need more evidence before you can arrest someone, Tracy! What's wrong with you?&quot; Apparently, the Nerd is just appalled by this, and this is apparently James D. Rolfe's true anger.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' ''[voice cracks]'' You gotta be fuckin' kidding me! That's '''''ridiculous!''''' Like, '''''what?!''''' Like, you have to travel all around and go to five different buildings, four to get the clues, and then the last one to arrest Numbers! ''All without dying once!'' '''THAT'S WHORESHIT!''' ​And I didn't say &quot;horseshit,&quot; I said ''&quot;whorefuck&quot;.'' '''LIKE A ''WHORE'' TAKIN' A ''FUCK!''''' ''[drinks some Rolling Rock]'' You know, remember when you were a little kid, it was fuckin' Friday, you did all your homework, and you rented a game from the local video store. And this was it, this was your whole weekend; this one game. You didn't have anything else to do, so you had no choice, '''''but to keep playing THAT FIRST PART OF THE GAME OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN!'' AND IT'S LIKE, &quot;YOU KNOW WHAT?&quot; IT'S LIKE, &quot;I WANNA SEE THE REST OF THE GAME, ''YOU CAN'T JUST LET THE GAME FUCKIN' WIN LIKE THAT!&quot;''''' So, '''''THAT'S''''' why you don't give up.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' It begs the question: &quot;Are there '''any''' health power-ups?&quot; And to tell you the truth, I've heard that there is. But I haven't found any, not ''one''. I actually found a heart, yeah, a fuckin' heart, but it did absolutely nothing at all. Yeah, a fuckin' heart that did fuckin' nothing! So, where the power-ups are, I have no idea, but they're probably not in any of the main buildings. They're probably in some obscure building that you wouldn't think to go in anyway, and the roof is probably covered with snipers, which defeats the whole purpose of going there.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' I have another update: I've been informed countless times that the hearts ''are'' the power-ups. So, if the hearts are the power-ups, why don't they do anything? Well, here's how it works. You have to select the fuckin' thing. It's called a First Aid Kit. And then you use it by pressing B, right? No, it still doesn't do jack-shit. You have to hold ''down'' Select and press B at the same time. But that doesn't work either, because as soon as you press Select, it goes to the next item. The trick is that you have to select the item that comes ''before'' the First Aid, and then hold ''down'' Select, so ''now'' the First Aid should be selected, while you're still holding Select. ''Then'' you press B, and there you go! ''How the fuck'' was I supposed to know that?! Why couldn't you just push B like all the other items? 'What kind of stupid fuckin' dick-brained idiot programmed it like that?!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' '''''THIS'' IS THE REASON WHY GAME GENIE WAS INVENTED! I'VE BEEN PLAYING THIS GAME FOR ALMOST 20 ''FUCKIN' YEARS,'' AND I STILL ''CAN'T GET PAST THE FIRST STAGE!''''' So why am I still trying? I don't know, I'm just a sucker for Dick Tracy. &quot;Sucker for Dick&quot;, ''that'' didn't sound good. I'm gonna tell you right now that anybody would have given up on this game had it not been for the name. They made one of the most frustrating games of all time, they took the name &quot;Dick Tracy&quot;, and slapped it on the cover just like slapping their own greedy dick! Well, if this game is dick, then we were the '''''balls.'''''
:'''The Nerd:''' And you know, I really wanted to give it a chance, because '''''I KINDA LIKED''''' the idea of finding clues, and figuring out where to go, like it made you think like a detective. But, '''''ONE guy?! No continues?!''''' Like, seriously, give me a reason why there's no continues. '''WHY ARE THERE NO CONTINUES?! ''WHY ARE THERE NO FUCKING CONTINUES?!?''''' &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''WHYYYYYYY?!?! AAAAGH!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt; 
:''[The Nerd guzzles down some more Rolling Rock, does a [[w:Mortal Kombat (1992 video game)|Mortal Kombat]] scream into his pillow, and then has a meltdown.]'' 
:'''The Nerd:''' ''[bellowing]'' '''''FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-FUCKING-FUCKING-FUCK! FUCKING-FUCK! FUUUUUCK!''''' ''[The Nerd finishes his Rolling Rock, grabs a drill and drills through the game as the cartridge spins uncontrollably, then the screen quickly cuts black as the Nerd smashes the game with a hammer.]''

=== [[w:Dracula in popular culture|Dracula]] ===

:'''AVGN''': ''(Playing [[w:The Count (video game)|The Count]] on the [[w:Commodore VIC-20|Commodore VIC-20]], the Nerd types in &quot;Eat pillow&quot; when the game text asks him what he wants to do. The game responds &quot;'''Yuck!'''&quot;)'' Okay, so I ate the pillow? I didn't expect that. &quot;Get up.&quot; ''(Game responds &quot;'''I'm in a bedroom. Closed window. Brass Bed. North.'''&quot;)'' Uhhh...okay. &quot;Go north.&quot; ''(Game responds &quot;'''OK. What shall I do now?'''&quot;)'' Okay, so I went north? What did that do? &quot;Go east.&quot; ''(Game responds &quot;'''OK. What shall I do now?'''&quot;)'' &quot;Go east again.&quot; ''(Game responds &quot;'''Use 1 or 2 words only!'''&quot;)'' Oh okay. I'll give you two words! &quot;Fuck you!&quot; ''(Game responds &quot;'''Don't know how to &quot;FUCK&quot; something.'''&quot; The Nerd looks on in shock, and does a facepalm)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(Playing the unreleased ''[[w:Drac's Night Out|Drac's Night Out]]'' on NES, which features [[w:Reebok Pump|Reebok Pumps]] as a power-up)'' Your only real power-ups are the Reebok Pumps. They let you run faster and jump higher. You really need to get these shoes, because without them, you get your ass handed to you. That's what I call a powerup, and that's what I call a promotion. Reebok Pumps! You ain't shit without it! Pump it up and air it out!

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:'''AVGN''': Even though it pisses me off, I can't really complain because this game was never released. It's like somebody took a fuck and buried it and then someone else decided to dig it up. It's like &quot;What do you expect?&quot;

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:'''AVGN''': ''(Upon finding the name of television producer [[w:Fred Fuchs|Fred Fuchs]] in the credits for ''[[w:Bram Stoker's Dracula (video game)|Bram Stoker's Dracula]]'' on SNES)'' Wait, who's this? Fred Fudge - Fred Fucks?! FRED FUCKS?! Fred Fucks! Oh my God, &quot;Fred Fucks&quot;! Ohh, my God, it's Fred Fucks! (Laughs awkwardly) Fred Fucks.

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:'''AVGN''': ''(Playing ''Bram Stoker's Dracula'' on Sega CD)'' I actually did manage to get to Dracula, at least in his first form, and he looks just as laughable as he did in the movie. But the most ridiculous part is when you die.
:'''Keanu Reeves:''' ''(Screams)''
:'''AVGN''': ''(Mimics scream)'' What the hell, is that clip even from the movie? I don't know, maybe it's from ''Bill &amp; Ted''.
:'''Keanu Reeves:''' ''(Screams)''

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:'''AVGN''':  The game looks amazing for its time, but the control is what kills it. It's so awkward trying to jump. You fall through shit, and the attacks are so delayed. It's impossible to turn around and hit your enemies before they hit you, you just wish you had a whip or a sword or something, not your bare hands. All you get is this stupid little kick to kick the fuckin' rats. Yeah, that's all it is is just rats and bats. How many fucking games need to have bats? Like seriously, I know it's Dracula, but why does every game have every fucking bats?! Seriously. I! Fucking! Hate! Bats! ''(Bites and fights a bat as he throws a bat to the wall then he groans.)'' I'm sick of it all! Morning sun, VANQUISH ME!!! ''(Opens blinds as he cries out.)''

=== [[w:Frankenstein (disambiguation)|Frankenstein]] ===
:'''AVGN''': Alright, so tonight we'll do something a little different. Cause I haven't tortured myself enough with all these shitty games! So I created a monster to conduct the review for me. Behold, Franken-Nerd! I could really use another bolt of lightning! (lightning strikes and the Nerd pulls the switch) Yeah! It's alive! It's alive!

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:'''AVGN''': This is the game. [Franken-Nerd growls] ''[[w:Mary Shelley's Frankenstein (video game)|Mary Shelley's Frankenstein]]'' on Super Nintendo. Game, good.
:'''Mike Matei as Franken-Nerd''': Good.
:'''AVGN''': [chuckles] You bet your ass it's good. (The Nerd puts in the game) Here's the controller for you, hit start and knock yourself out. Have fun.

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:'''AVGN''': ''(after shutting off Franken-Nerd, who was playing ''The Adventures of Dr. Franken'' for the Nerd up until then)'' The biggest mistake Dr. Frankenstein made. If you're gonna make a monster, you better be able to shut it down. ...But unfortunately, I can't shut off the game, for the monsters in my soul. It's my duty - (Chuckles) &quot;doody&quot; - to play it for myself and ''explain'' why this game sucks! 'Cause I created a monster, and there's no turning back.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(Playing ''[[w:Frankenstein: The Monster Returns|Frankenstein: The Monster Returns]]'' on the [[w:Nintendo Entertainment System|NES]]]'' Stage four is the final stage. Yeah they chose to keep the game as short as possible, yet as annoying as possible. This place is all fucked up. There's all these weird faces in the background. Like where are you supposed to be? Beside Satan's asshole?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': So now, just to try again I gotta type in the fucking password! It's so tedious! I mean it's not the longest password I've ever seen but it's still longer than necessary. But unlike most passwords if you move the d-pads to the sides, it doesn't move your cursor to the other side! So say your cursor's on the letter K and you need to move to J, in most games all you need to do is move your cursor left and it will show up on J. But here, you can't do that! You have to move the cursor all the way to the fucking J! A lot of effort considering J comes right before K. It's so fucked up. And, also, if you enter the password and it turns out that it's wrong, like if you messed up on one letter it erases the whole thing and you gotta type it in all over again! Why can't I just go back and fix the one letter? I really ''hate'' this password thing in general because, what's the point? You should have unlimited continues. Yeah, because the only reason you should have to put in a password is if you turn the game off and want to come back to it later. As long as you're still playing, you're gonna keep playing the same stages over and over and over again, so what's the point of sending you all the way back to the beginning? The earlier stages are the easiest, and those are the stages you end up playing the most. It's the later stages where you need the most practice! It's all about trial and error. Like imagine if in high school, you fail out of senior year. What happens? You do senior year again, right? You don't have to go back and do freshman year again! So, BOTTOM LINE, HAVE UNLIMITED CONTINUES! Goddammit!

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:'''AVGN''': Anyway, I can't get past the vines so I'm going to cheat with Game Genie, the last resort. But check out these codes! &quot;Almost unlimited energy&quot;, &quot;Invincibility after losing first life - May cause the game to freeze&quot;, &quot;Start with no continues&quot;, &quot;Can not collect extra energy&quot;, and &quot;One hit is fatal&quot;! What kinds of codes are these!? Is there like some sick fuck who thinks the game isn't hard enough? Like somebody who wants to be tortured some more? Well, how about this? I got a code for you. How about a code that just starts you off dead? ''(Subtitle: &quot;PHUCKEWE&quot;)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': At first the code works fine but then I found out if you collect energy it takes life away. Not that you would need to collect energy, but it's kinda silly, isn't it? And, guess what, once you get to the vines, you still die! Well, that would have been nice! Why couldn't the code say Invincibility Except For The Vines? Even if you pass the vines the invinciblity goes away so you're left with your own wits to fight Frankenstein. So, fuck the Game Genie, and let me tell you when Game Genie doesn't help, you know you're fucked! ''(the Nerd throws the Game Genie.)'' So, you fight Frankenstein. His first form's pretty easy, but, then, he grows into a giant Super Frankenstein. Come on! Come on! Come on, you fucking Fuckinstein! ''(Lightning strikes the Franken-Nerd and he starts attacking the Nerd while he's fighting Super Frankenstein and a rock version of the Angry Video Game Nerd theme plays then the Nerd eventually beats Super Frankenstein)'' Yeah! ''(The NES Toploader electrocutes the TV as the TV explodes, an explosion kills the Franken-Nerd)''

=== [[w:CD-i|CD-i Part One]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Ohhhhh, boy, let’s talk about the Philips CD-i. Now, if you’re not familiar with the backstory, I’ll give you a quick little run-down. Nintendo was working in conjunction with Philips to produce a CD-based add-on for the Super NES, which never came through. Now Nintendo was also working with Sony on the same concept, and we all know what came of that: the PlayStation. (The Nerd holds up the PlayStation with both hands.) But as for Philips, they too made their own game console, however they had permission to utilize some of the Nintendo franchises. Now what came to that was a shitty Mario game, (Hotel Mario) and three shitty Zelda games: Link: The Faces of Evil, Zelda’s Adventure, and Zelda: The Wand of Gamelon. (The Nerd tries to open the awkward looking case for &quot;Wand of Gamelon.&quot;) (awkwardly) Okay. These games are ''notorious'' for their legendary ass suckage, which is hard to believe! How can there exist a bad ''Zelda'' game, let alone ''three'' of them? And on a console that's not Nintendo? Well if you haven't heard of 'em, you might think you're living under a rock, but let me tell you, it's a rock worth living under.

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:'''AVGN''': But before we get to the ''Zelda'' games, let's start off with ''[[w:Hotel Mario|Hotel Mario]]''. The price on this one, I got to be honest, was zero because this one was a donation. Thanks, Casey! You might as well have sent me a turd wrapped in tinfoil.

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:'''AVGN''': So, often, you find yourself having to hit up on the down arrow, and when you go down to the up arrow you press down. That's fucking confusing.

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:'''AVGN''': The game is actually more reminiscent of arcade games from the early ‘80s like Donkey Kong and Mario Bros. And for something like that, Hotel Mario actually isn’t too bad. It is challenging, I’ll give it that, but the fact is, this was not the early ‘80s; this was 1994, and it was a next-generation console. Originally, they planned to release a sequel to [[w:Super Mario World|Super Mario World]] titled [[w:Super Mario’s Wacky Worlds|Super Mario's Wacky Worlds]], but it was cancelled, and what we got was this. (Hotel Mario) End of story. Well, all the CD-i stuff is a shit sandwich that’s too big for one mouthful. So check in for Part 2, we’re gonna look at the Zelda games.

=== [[w:CD-i|CD-i Part Two]] ===
:'''AVGN''': ''(discussing the boss battles)'' When you kill them, you get these amusing cutscenes.
:'''Hectan''': You've killed me!
:'''Zelda''': Good!
:'''AVGN''': ''(horrified face)'' &quot;Good!&quot; ''(laughs)'' &quot;You killed me!&quot; &quot;Good!&quot; ''(laughs insanely, then starts saying &quot;FUCK!&quot; in a very chicken-like voice while giving both middle fingers. Then he stops and picks up Rolling Rock)'' Gotta calm down. ''(drinks it, then resumes playing)'' Oh, man, I'm going completely insane. But I can't quit because I'm up to Ganon.
:'''Ganon''': YOU DARE BRING LIGHT TO MY LAIR!? YOU MUST DIE!
:'''AVGN''': He looks like a joke! He makes the Ganon from the cartoon series look badass!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Well, in conclusion, some might say that there are redeeming factors to this game. The music's pretty cool, and the graphics are nice and colorful. Some might call it a &quot;mixed bag.&quot; But let me tell you what kind of mixed bag. It’s a trash bag that's had a bad day. Like, say, your mom cleans out the cat litter; fresh and stale doody pebbles go right in the bottom of the bag. And then your sister throws out her used tampons, and where do they go? In the same bag. And then your brother comes home, piss-ass drunk, just upchucks, pukes right into the bag! Now, I'm not trying to be disgusting, but that is a realistic situation, and what it all comes down to, that's a nasty bag. But I'd rather take that shit out to the garbage than deal with this piece of fuck! Fuck this game, get out of my face!

=== [[w:CD-i|CD-i Part Three]] ===

:'''AVGN''': ''(Playing ''[[w:CD-i games based on The Legend of Zelda series|Link: The Faces of Evil]]'')'' And the jumping is still a big problem. Come on, why can't I get up there? ''(Link falls off platform)'' Oh, your mother! ''(Link jumps up and misses)'' Oh, you son of a bitch. Get up there! ''(Link jumps up and misses again, later falls off ledge)'' ''Ungh!'' ''(Link jumps up and misses once again)'' It's time to start droppin' some F-Bombs! ''(as literal F-Bombs fly from his mouth)'' FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!!

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:'''AVGN''': The darkness is still a huge issue. Look, my lantern oil ran out, so I can't find my way back. So I'm really up Shit Creek without a paddle! And that means I'm paddling through the shit with my hands.

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:'''AVGN''': Talking to people is still a strange ordeal. Why do you have to shove a sword up their ass? Right up their ass.

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:'''AVGN''': Then you gotta wake Zelda. Come on! I'm here to rescue your royal ass. Get the hell up! Wake the fuck up! ''(swings the sword at the gong above Zelda)'' Oh, I get it.
:'''Link:''' I just saved you from Ganon! I won!
:'''AVGN''': Nothing short of poetry.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': In other Zelda games, there’s secret passageways that transport you all around the dungeon. That makes sense. But here, when you’re just walking to the next screen, and suddenly appear some place different on the map, it’s like, &quot;What the Hell happened to this game?&quot; I don't believe this! Like, [Stammers] I seriously don't believe this! ''[drinks beer]'' That's it, that's all I can take. How could they fuck up ''Zelda'' this bad!? It's not a ''Zelda'' game, I wouldn't call it that. &quot;Oh, but it is. It has Zelda in it, it has Link...&quot; Yeah, you know what, that's a pointless argument right there. That's like if your dad said, &quot;I fucked your mom.&quot; It's like: &quot;I can't argue with that!&quot; Playing these games is as worthwhile as melting a dog turd in a frying pan. Yeah, put some buffalo puke and some cat piss all over it, and you have a shit sandwich that is Zelda CD-i! This game FUCKING SUCKS! ''(hurls a game off-screen)'' FUCKING SUCKS! ''(hurls a second game off-screen)'' FUCKING SUCKS! ''(hurls a third game off-screen)'' Oh yeah, and the ''Mario'' game? That one sucks too! ''(hurls ''Hotel Mario'' off-screen)'' CD-i SUCKS!!! ''(as the screen fade to black, AVGN is heard seemingly hurling the CD-i console itself as well)''

=== Bible Games II ===

:'''AVGN''': Welcome to another sacrilegious Christmas fuck-fest! Now, two years ago, I played a bunch of Bible games. Yeah, now would you believe there's actually more of them? (He holds more Bible games) Like, who makes video games based off the Bible? Why would you do that? These games suck ass! If I was God, I'd be pissed.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(playing ''[[w:Exodus (video game)|Exodus]]'' on the NES)'' So the exit appears, you take it and then you get a bunch of Bible questions such as &quot;'''The king of Egypt told the Hebrew midwives to: Kill male babies; Kill all babies;'''&quot; &quot;Kill all babies&quot;? I'm playing an NES game that says &quot;''Kill all babies''&quot;? And you know what? That's the wrong answer, so that obviously means that's something they made up. &quot;Kill all babies&quot;!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(playing ''[[w:Sunday Funday|Sunday Funday]]'' which is a clone of Menace Beach)'' Instead of trying to rescue your girl, you're not even going to believe this when I tell you, you're trying to get to Sunday school. Yeah. Now, as much as that's the dumbest idea I've ever heard for a game, what I don't understand is why that's so difficult! Who ''are'' these raging atheists that don't want you to go to church!? It's bad enough that the entire town is trying to stop you, but what's with the flying clowns, the old ladies coming out of boxes, and animals coming out of sewer holes? What's this guy's problem? Like why does everyone want him dead? I'd say he's having quite a day. And the funny thing is, he probably gets to church and doesn't even mention it, like: &quot;Oh what did you do on this Sunday morning before church?&quot; &quot;Oh, well I flew on a balloon that I got from some clown, and then I went through the sewers and beat up a bunch of plumbers. I hopped on some frog and bounced around on a bunch of springs and shit, then I threw a bomb and blew some guy's fuckin' face off.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': All right, well that's enough with that one. It's time to wrap things up. I've got something to blow the lid off the crap barrel. Time to flick the shit switch, turn up the diarrhea dial! IT'S BIBLE GAMES ON CD-I!! Yeah! We're living on the edge! More like living on a prayer!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(playing'' Pyramid Pursuit ''on'' Moses: The Exodus'' for CD-i)'' The voices are the fuckest baloney shit you'll ever hear.
:'''Anubis statue''': ''(in monotone)'' I'm an idol worshipped by many. There's someone downstairs who worships me.
:'''AVGN''': What is it, a robot?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Alright, well I'm done. There's not really any more Bible games, or at least ones that actually qualify as games. There's one on Game Boy called The King James Bible. It's extremely rare, but all it is is literally the whole Bible on a Game Boy cartridge. So I'm gonna draw the line right there. So have a Happy Holidays and all that good shit. Merry Christmas to all, and all a good fucking night!

=== [[w:Michael Jackson's Moonwalker|Michael Jackson's Moonwalker]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' I think Dave Chappelle said it best, he made ''Thriller. [opens the vinyl record of &quot;Thriller&quot;] Thriller.''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Now, I know what we're all thinking here, but really, that's all it is. You're just rescuing the kids.
:''[He is shocked to learn that you can make Michael Jackson grab his crotch.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Why...? Why would they put that in the game?! ''How'' could they put that in the game?!

=== [[w:Milon's Secret Castle|Milon's Secret Castle]] ===
:''[Milon runs out a door, and gets hit by lightning in-game.]'' 
:'''The Nerd''': Fuck.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': I'm gonna give you a little tour. Here's the first part of the game. You could explore the whole outside of the castle, but you can't go up to the second level yet. For now, all you have is three doors and a window. The first door leads to a room that has nothing interesting. The only thing interesting here is an area with a bunch of money. But how the Hell do you get over there? It's like the game is deliberately taunting you. &quot;Hey, you want that money, don't ya? You want that money, yeah, you want that money, you want that money? Yeah, well '''fuck you''', you can't have it!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So, that's when you need... the power. ''[The Nerd puts down the controller and gets out his Nintendo Power magazine.]'' ''Nintendo Power''! It's like: &quot;You wanna know how to beat the game? Well, you gotta '''buy our magazine''', you dumb little shits!&quot; 
:'''The Nerd''': This is the ''Classified Information'' section. Usually, this is all about cheats. &quot;''Golgo 13'': Stage Select. ''Spy Hunter'': Start with all weapons. ''Wizards and Warriors'': Bypass the Wizard! ''Mario 2'': Short Cuts to Birdo. ''Milon's Secret Castle'': Getting Started?&quot; That's not a cheat! That's just how to play the fuckin' game! The basic rules of the game needed ''Nintendo Power''. ''That''... is some fuck!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''':''Milon's Secret Castle''. More like '''''Milon's SHITTY ASSHOLE'''''!

== Season Four ==

=== [[w:Atari Jaguar|Atari Jaguar Part One]] ===
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:'''AVGN''': This started a little trend I like to call the &quot;Bit Wars.&quot; Nobody ever talked about bits before that and nobody ever talked about bits since. And what are bits, anyway? Nobody knew, they're just bits! Try explaining that to your parents. &quot;Well I want a [[w:Super Nintendo|Super Nintendo]] for Christmas!&quot; &quot;Don't you already have a Nintendo?&quot; &quot;Yeah, but this one's 16 bit!&quot; &quot;What's that?&quot; &quot;...I dunno!&quot;

=== [[w:Atari Jaguar|Atari Jaguar Part Two]] ===

:'''AVGN''': ''(playing ''[[w:Attack of the Mutant Penguins|Attack of the Mutant Penguins]]'')'' This is the weirdest game I've ever played. I mean, it's not ''bad'' if you're drunk or high or something, but how did they come up with this shit? I got it. I could come up with a game like this. How about, you're a shark? And you gotta shake palm trees 'til trains fall down. And you put the trains in an apple and then turkeys come and eat the apples, and then the turkeys go up waterfalls and to get them down, you have to collect monkey butts. So you drop the monkey butts on power lines and... ''(trails off and mimes his brain exploding)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Skylar''': ''(the green face from ''[[w:Cybermorph|Cybermorph]]'' appears from behind AVGN's futon and chases him off)'' Where did ''you'' learn to fly? Where did ''you'' learn to fly? Where did ''you'' learn to fly?
:'''AVGN''': ''(shoots Skylar's image with the Super Scope)'' Where'd ''you'' learn to be an ''asshole''?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''':There's something about this that perplexes me. You have a game console, that not many people owned, so you make an add-on that requires owning the game console. What were they thinking?! It should've just been its own individual game system. Besides, the fucking thing has its own AC adapter. So, that's two. One for the Jaguar, and one for the Jaguar CD. And that's some cool looking design. It looks just like a toilet. Yeah! It's a fucking toilet! What a perfect analogy. 

&lt;hr width&quot;50$%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Well, thanks for trying. And thanks for the Pong console. Would you believe that a 30-year-old Pong console attached to a cell phone adapter would work, but a cutting-edge, snarling Jaguar doesn't? There's something wrong here. And you know what? I blew 250 bucks on this thing. So, you know what I did? Bought another one. Yeah, and guess what? It doesn't work, either! So, that's about $450 total I blew on two dead Jaguars. And these things are rare! So when the only two that I can manage to get my hands on just don't work, that leads me to believe that these things most definitely are self-aware. They don't wanna work! You can't make 'em! They just REFUSE to be reviewed! And I've never had that happen. So, the end... I gotta take a shit.

=== [[w:Metal Gear (video game)|Metal Gear]] ===
:'''AVGN''': And his full name is [[w:Solid Snake|Solid Snake]]? Might as well just be Erect Cock!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': What!? '''You son-of-a-bitch!''' The enemies respawn if you use the binoculars! You can't do anything! Was this a glitch?! Or were the game designers deliberately trying to be '''FUCKIN' ASSHOLES!!?''' Seriously! And this whole jungle scene wasn't even in the original version. Like, &quot;Hmm, let's see, what kind of stupid shit can we add? Let's take a great game and just dump an assload of diarrhea all over it.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': This game is the fucking crust between your balls. It's terrible! And yeah, I know it's a classic game, but when something's fucked up, it's fucked up. So if you wanna rip me a new asshole, that's fine. I have like 12. Yeah, I've got a [[w:Charlie Brown|Charlie Brown]] ghost ass.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': And it's not just me. [[w:Hideo Kojima|Hideo Kojima]] himself said &quot;It slurped anal grease through a warthog's dickhole.&quot; Well, he didn't say it like that, he said it wasn't faithful to his original game.

=== [[w:Magnavox Odyssey|Odyssey]] ===

:'''AVGN''': These are the games. Pretty elaborate, right? The titles are the best part. Like what are some of the games you grew up with? Maybe ''Wrecking Crew'' on the NES, or ''After Burner'' on the Sega Master System, or, how about, game number 1 on the Odyssey?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Now let's try the skiing game. All you do is move the light through the slopes, and with these controllers, it's harder than it looks. The only goal is to stay in the line and see how fast you can get to the end. It's up to the other player to keep time. Now THAT is what you would call a ''desperate'' attempt at a video game.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': This one's called &quot;Analogic&quot;. Yeah, that sounds fun: It's like the logic in your ass. It's supposed to take place in outer space. You each start on your own planet. I guess maybe Uranus and My-anus!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(talking about the name-the-United-State game)'' I also love how the instructions tell you that Alaska and Hawaii aren't really down there ''(below the 48 consecutive states)''. Hey, Nerdy Turd, did you know that Hawaii isn't really south of Texas?
:'''Nerdy Turd:''' ''(raspberry)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': So now, let's see what the Odyssey Gun looks like. ''(removes the peripheral, resembling an authentic rifle, out of its box)'' Well, the Odyssey doesn't fuck around. I mean, this is what you'd call a ''gun''. I mean look at it! It's a gun! It's a fucking rifle! I mean, they could never get away with this nowadays! You could never, ever... it ju- it just blows my mind that there could exist a video game console that has a gun like this! ''(expresses happiness)'' Let's try it out! (hooks up the Odyssey gun and fires it, accidentally shooting a hole in his TV screen)

=== [[w:List of X-Men video games|X-Men]] ===
:'''AVGN''': Anyway, with a concept like ''X-Men'', you'd expect a great game. Or at least, a fairly decent game. All the characters and powers and shit... How hard could it be? Well, we are doomed from the very start. Take a look: ''(holds up ''[[w:The Uncanny X-Men (video game)|The Uncanny X-Men]]'' for NES)'' Somebody makes an ''X-Men'' game for Nintendo, why in the love of fuck does it have to be [[w:LJN|LJN]]? You take one look at that logo, and you just know: There is no gold at the end of that rainbow, because this, my friends, is the unholy stamp of death.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': How I can be frozen with a character that's called Iceman? I'd be better off with Iceman from ''Top Gun''.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The X-Men game I remember most fondly is the [[w:X-Men (1992 video game)|arcade]] by Konami. Some versions have six players and a double panoramic screen. It was extremely monotonous, but satisfying as all Hell.
:'''Magneto''': X-Men, welcome to die!
:'''AVGN''': Welcome to die? Okay. It was a classic style beat 'em up, and one of the best in that category. Only problem: it was never released on a home console. It suffered the same fate as Konami's Simpsons game. Some might say these games would have been butchered on their home counterparts, but if you look at how well Turtles in Time fared on the Super NES, it only raises the question: &quot;Why the fuck not do the same to X-Men and Simpsons?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': When it comes to X-Men games, that's how I recommended. But the two NES versions? Stay away. Stay away as far as possible. They suck. They suck balls! This one sucks my left ball, this one sucks my right ball! WELCOME TO DIE! ''(destroys the NES games with laser beams from his eyes)''

=== [[w:Terminator video games|The Terminator]] ===
:''[Terminator-styled AVGN intro, followed by the Nerd picking up the NES &quot;Terminator&quot; cartridge. He uses Terminator vision to choose from a selection of responses: &quot;This sucks!&quot;, &quot;No way!&quot;, &quot;Oh no!&quot;, &quot;What a piece of fucking dog shit!&quot; and &quot;Go to Hell!&quot;. He settles on &quot;What a piece of fucking dog shit!&quot;]''
:'''The Nerd''': What a piece of fuckin dog shit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[He returns to NES Terminator after mining lives by attaching a wrench to the controller]'' Alright, I'm back. I'm all refreshed, ready to play some more ''Terminator'' with all new extra lives. All 6 of 'em... ''[The Nerd stops after he finds out that he still only has 6 lives]'' ''(shocked)'' 6? '''''Only 6?!'''''  OK, I gotta be honest. It's only one digit, I didn't expect more than nine. But why a random number like 6?! That means that some fucked up masochist actually programmed it that way, and made a decision, &quot;Hmm, let's see. Well, anything more than 6, that's too much.&quot; Fuckin' asshole! The only thing I can think of now, is to wait 'til you die 5 times and do it again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing the SNES game]'' After such a long sprint, you'd think that thing was maybe the boss, but no, how naïve. So you keep running this everlasting shitty marathon, shooting shit and getting shit shot at you. Eventually you come to the boss, right? It's certainly big enough to be the boss, and it certainly took long enough to get this far. I'm gonna say it's the boss. Come on, die! Die! Yeah, alright, that's it. What now? What? Are you fucking kidding me? Holy mother in fucking God shit holy mackerel gosh damn, how is it not over yet?! How long could this first level possibly go?! Unless maybe the whole game is like this! I just can't fuckin' believe it! So I died, like anybody would. Game Over. First level goes on forever. Can't beat it. End of story. The game's impossible.

=== [[w:Terminator video games|Terminator 2: Judgement Day]] ===

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''[on ''Terminator 2'' on SNES]'' All I can say is, my ''God,'' the control is ''so'' bad. It's so stiff, and you can't punch anyone when they're too close. But check out the jump. What is that good for? It's like he's a marionette, or he's being hanged by an invisible rope. ''(The Terminator hops forward awkwardly)'' Like, holy Lord, that is some fuck right there. Look at him go! Wooo, wooo, wooo! ''(chuckling)'' Oh, God. I can't see the reasoning behind it. You can't make something that funny by accident. They took somebody as badass as the Terminator, and made him into a mockery. It's a fuckin' joke! And I'm not just doin' this to be funny, it's because of how slow he walks. The only way to go any faster is to hop around like a fuckin' idiot.

=== [[w:Transformers: Convoy no Nazo|Transformers]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': Let me ask a question. What kind of format do you usually play video games on? Cartridges, CDs, cards, floppy disks... how about an audio cassette? Isn't that just a weird thought to play a game on a friggin' cassette tape? This is Transformers for the Commodore 64, the computer that is most definitely more than meets the eye.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[reviewing ''[[w:The Transformers (1986 video game)|Transformers]]'' on the Commodore 64]'' By the way, I'm at a farm with a dinosaur stepping on a space shuttle. I have no comment.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Wouldn't you think that a game based on the Transformers would have more emphasis on action rather than this strategic simulation thing? Well, guess what? There was a Transformers game that was a side-scroller. But only in Japan. Let me introduce the Nintendo Famicom. Simply put, this is the Japanese [[w:Nintendo Entertainment System|NES]]. Very different from that gray box, isn't it? This one's smaller and it's a top-loader. It has a nice dust tray. And the controller's attached to the console, which is efficient. But the wires are too short, and they're hardwired into the console, so you can never change them. The controllers are the same; Select, Start, B, A. But the second controller, instead of Select and Start, it has a microphone. Very few games utilized this. From what I understand, in The Legend of Zelda, you kill Pols Voice by making a loud noise into the mic. Of course that's only in the Japanese version, but the manual still says that Pols Voice hates loud noises, which only mystified players outside of Japan. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[reviewing &quot;Transformers: Convoy no Nazo&quot;]'' Everything's so small, so fast, and moves at such irregular patterns, hitting your mark is like trying to piss into a shot glass that's spinning on a record player that's strapped to a running cheetah's back while you're riding a unicycle on a tightrope blindfolded.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[the Nerd is fighting the boss battle against [[w:Megatron (Transformers)|Megatron]] in stage nine.]''
:'''The Nerd''': It's the end of the road, Megatron!  UUNNNHH! '''HUUAAH!''' '''''HUNNNGGHH!'''''! Come on, come on, die! Hugh! ''[defeats Megatron]'' BOOM! Yeeeaaaah!!! Now that's some intense shit right there. In conclusion, all I can say about this game--
:''[as the Nerd is talking, the level startup music plays and the stage theme begins playing again, this time for the tenth and final stage. The Nerd pauses the game in disbelief.]''
:'''The Nerd''': Stage ''ten?'' I fuckin' beat Megatron, who the hell could be next? Fuckin' &quot;stage ten&quot;, my ass! I'm guessing if Megatron's not the final boss, it's gotta be [[w:Galvatron|Galvatron]] or maybe [[w:Unicron|Unicron]] or Fuckitron, who knows. 
:''[the final boss of the game is [[w:Trypticon|Trypticon]], who is in his form that makes him strongly resemble [[w:Mechagodzilla|Mecha-Godzilla]].]''
:'''The Nerd''': Oh. It's Mecha-Godzilla. Of course. I should've known.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So now, is it any wonder why this game was never released outside of Japan? ''''''CAUSE NOBODY ELSE WANTS TO PLAY THIS FUCKIN' SHIT!''''' Well, I gotta do what I gotta do. ''[points the Zapper at the Famicom]'' One shall stand, one shall-- ''[the Famicom transforms into Optimus Prime.]'' Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa. Who are you?
:'''Optimus Prime:''' My name is Optimus Prime.
:'''The Nerd''': Well, you don't look anything like-- ''[Optimus blasts the Nerd with a laser]'' '''''Ugh!'''''
:'''Optimus Prime:''' ''[using audio from ''[[w:The Transformers: The Movie|The Transformers: The Movie]]'']'' (You, who are without mercy, now plead for it?) I thought you were made of sterner stuff.

=== [[w:Mario is Missing|Mario Is Missing]] ===

:'''AVGN''': What's this say? &quot;Koopas seem to have gotten clean away with King Kong&quot;? Are you telling me you're supposed to return [[w:King Kong|King Kong]] to the [[w:Empire State Building|Empire State Building]]? This blows my mind on '''so''' many levels. First of all, how did the Koopas capture King Kong? Second, why is New York City concerned that King Kong was stolen from the Empire State Building? Remember when the planes were tryin' to shoot him down? Isn't it pretty clear they want Kong '''''off''''' the building? Third, if this is supposed to be an educational game teaching us things that belong to New York City, '''''WHY IN THE HOLY MOTHER OF FUCK DID THEY CHOOSE A GIANT APE THAT DOESN'T EVEN EXIST?!''''' Fourth, the bag. Okay, King Kong is like, 50 feet tall or somethin'? But in this game, they made him out to be, like, 1,500 feet. How big ''is'' he exactly? Well, if bigger than the Empire State Building isn't a good enough analogy, then let's just say, '''''A LOT BIGGER THAN THAT FUCKIN' BAG!''''' And fifth, I can't grasp the concept that King Kong is in a ''Mario'' game, the same character that was a direct inspiration for Donkey Kong, who also appeared in games with the Mario character. Are we running into some kinda paradox here or what?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': There's sort of like a help desk where you're supposed to return the object or the landmark or whatever, but the lady at the window won't talk to you unless you call Yoshi to come and give ya an extra boost. Okay, so are you telling me that the reason that stupid bitch won't talk to you at first is because Luigi is too short to reach the window? For fuck's sake, he can jump higher than the shittin' thing! How stupid do they think we are?! &quot;'''Use Yoshi to reach the help desk'''&quot;. Well, how about use my greasy Italian plumber cock to whack you across the fuckin' face!?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': You know what? Educate me. '''Please''' educate me. Because, I'm goin' through sensory deprivation! I'm so fuckin' bored I'd rather go back to school than play this shit!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Educational or not, these games are '''''horrible''''' abominations of space and time that give insult to the very fabric of nature itself! In other words... they suck.

=== [[w:Plumbers Don't Wear Ties|Plumbers Don't Wear Ties]] ===

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:'''AVGN''': I remember in the early '90s seeing commercials for the 3DO. It was advertised as the most advanced game system and it forced itself right into your face, like: &quot;If you don't get this thing, you're gonna get left in the dust.&quot; It even went out of its way to insult Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis, saying that those are just baby toys. Well, everybody I knew had those &quot;baby toys&quot; and nobody--I repeat, NOBODY, I have ever met owned a 3DO. Probably because its price in the US was $700. I mean, FUCK. But you better buy it, because this is the real gaming console. That was its slogan, REAL, because it's a real pieceashit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Well, the game is called &quot;Plumbers Don't Wear Ties&quot;, so I guess it makes sense. He's a plumber, and I don't see him wearing a tie. ''(The moment he says tie, John is shown wearing a tie.)'' ''What the fuck?'' You can't even trust the fuckingdamn title!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Thresher:''' You know, perhaps something can be worked out after all. ... Take your clothes off, Jane.
:'''AVGN''': Oh shit.
:'''Thresher:''' You know, we get at least 200 qualified applicants for every position here. It's those people who do that little extra thing. They're the ones who get head-I mean get ahead.
:'''AVGN''': Oh, what a bad joke. It doesn't even have any relevance now. He just told her to take off her clothes. He might as well say straight out, &quot;Suck my cock.&quot;
:'''Thresher:''' TAKE YOUR DAMN CLOTHES OFF!
:'''AVGN''': What a pervert! And what's with all the filters? ''(wrong answer sound effect plays)''
:'''Narrator''': Now see how your sick curiosity led Jane into this mess?
:'''AVGN''': Time for another decision. Either she refuses to take off her clothes, or she accepts. Now, wait a minute. The first decision says, &quot;Our heroine declines the disgusting proposal!&quot; But in the image, she seems to be taking off her clothes. While running away, but still. It doesn't make any sense. Did they swap the images by accident? So let's go with the more interesting choice. ''(Jane is now shown undressed, holding a whip and handcuffs)'' ''Damn!'' She just happened to have a whip and handcuffs?! ''(imitating Thresher)'' Wow, I'd no idea she'd actually do it! ''(Jane now has Thresher, in his underwear, on his knees in an S&amp;M position. The Nerd is utterly shocked by this scene.)'' WHAT KIND OF FUCKED-UP GAME IS THIS!!? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Now for the final choice. Either, &quot;'''I want the Hollywood ending!'''&quot; or &quot;'''Gimme something different.'''&quot; Yeah, you know what? Give me something different. Give me a different fuckin' game! ''(tosses the game away)'' This is one of the worst things I have ever seen in my life. On the box, it says, &quot;Plays like a game...but feels like a MOVIE!!!&quot; Well that's horse shit. It does not play like a game, and it ''certainly'' does not feel like a movie. It's a slideshow that verges on being softcore porn. But it isn't that either! ''(video goes into different still photos of the Nerd with filters and crazy objects inserted.)'' It's like some kind of experimental art project. If I just made a bunch of shit and put all kinds of filters on it, that would be the same as this miserable pile of fuck. It would also be the same to go take a shit on a piece of toast on top of a roof while wearing a fish mask singing I’m Too Sexy.

=== [[w:The Bugs Bunny Crazy Castle|The Bugs Bunny Crazy Castle]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': All right. That's it. I'm done with this game. I'd rather press my face against a hippopotamus' butt while it muck-spreads! That's when a hippo takes a shit; rather than allowing the shit to drop from its anus, it presses its tail against its ass crack, waving it back and forth, shredding the shit all over the place! That's as much fun as this game is, like putting a turd in a fan or a band saw. You just don't do it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Come on, I thought toons like to get beat up!
:'''Bugs Bunny:''' We do, doc. But you know what we don't like? Getting shit on the '''FUCKIN' ''FACE!!'''''

=== [[w:Super Pitfall|Super Pitfall!]] ===
:'''AVGN''': ''[At the beginning of the game, Pitfall Harry climbs down the first ladder and dies]'' Nice. Fucking beautiful. The first ladder you see drops you into a pit where you get killed by a bird or a bat, whatever it is. And even if it wasn't there, I'd fall on the spikes. So it's basically death insurance. &quot;Let's put every kind of obstacle we can possibly think of in the very beginning of the game.&quot; You know, I'm disappointed. Couldn't there have been lava on top of the spikes, with fire sharks swimming in it? Couldn't there be more spikes coming from the sides ready to close in and squash me while stabbing at the same time? How 'bout some laser cannons and upside down volcanoes? You want to be even more efficient? Why even have the ladder? Why not just start the game falling down the pit? Fuckin' assholes! [sighs] Talk about a beginner's trap. They sure nailed it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': So we're jumping around in thin air, trying to find different suits, like spades, hearts and diamonds. What purpose does this have? I found the princess... does he need to play Poker with her or something?

=== [[w:Godzilla video games|Godzilla]] ===

:'''AVGN''': ''(failing to defeat [[wikipedia:Mechagodzilla|Mechagodzilla]]]'' THAT FUCKIN' TIME LIMIT! THAT MOTHERFUCKIN'-SHIT-SUCKIN' TIME LIMIT! It's not even like there's a counter! It's like the game just pulls the plug! Like: &quot;Oh, you're gonna win? Well not anymore, ya ass-backed fecal-fucker shit-faced anus brain!&quot; The game cheats. That's it. That's all there is to it. The game fuckin' cheats.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(reviewing ''[[w:Godzilla (Game Boy)|Godzilla]]'' on Game Boy)'' How could they do this to the king of the monsters!? They might as well have Godzilla in a clown suit jumping on a pogo stick. I'm not even gonna waste my time with this shit. The best way to sum this up is to recite a very famous quote from [[w:William Shakespeare|William Shakespeare]]: &quot;Fuck it!&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': 15 years later, I'm still pissed. All I wanted was a good Godzilla game, but my childhood passed me by, and I never got it. [He drinks beer] But nowadays, there's plenty of Godzilla games: ''[[w:Godzilla: Destroy All Monsters Melee|Godzilla Destroy All Monsters Melee]]'', ''[[w:Godzilla: Save the Earth|Godzilla: Save the Earth]]'', and ''[[w:Godzilla: Unleashed|Godzilla: Unleashed]]''. This is after my time. I don't know anything about this here PlayStation 2 and Xbox shit. But I'm gonna give it a try.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(Comparing modern-day ''Godzilla'' games to the above titles)'' These games suck Baragon's sweaty ballsack! I'd rather get an electric shock from suckin' Mecha-Godzilla's mechanical wiener! These games are ''shit, drizzling'' out of the Smog Monster's rancid putrid a-hole! And then, being swallowed and barfed up by Anguirus while I lay on his spikes getting Gigan's buzzsaw up my ass, ''while Destoroyah dumps his diabolical diarrhea all over my face!'' Man, it's just a bunch of fuck, it's a pile of cunt, fuck, shit, fuck...cunt...fuck..Goddammit! I just said &quot;fuck&quot; from the bottom of my heart and I said every curse that there is. There's nothing left. So, you know what? Somebody's gotta invent a new curse word. I think I got it. This game, these fuckin' games are... ''SCUNT!!!'' Oh, yeah. It's that bad.

=== [[w:Wayne's World (video game)|Wayne's World]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' The enemies are the most cliché you could possibly think of. When would Wayne and Garth ever be fighting spiders and ninjas? Who cares, right? As long as the game says ''Wayne's World,'' kids will want it.
:'''Noah Vanderhoff:''' Kids know dick.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Every time he gets hit, he says &quot;NOT!&quot;
:'''Wayne:''' '''''NOT!'''''
:'''The Nerd:''' That doesn't make any sense. What is he saying &quot;not&quot; to? Usually, the word &quot;not&quot; follows a sarcastic statement. It's like explaining it to [[w:Borat|Borat]].
:'''Borat:''' And this suit is ''not'' black!
:'''Borat's Therapist:''' No, no, &quot;not&quot; has to be the end.
:'''Borat:''' OK, OK, this suit is black not.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Well, I can't beat the first level, so I'm done with this game!... Well, there ''is'' a code.
:'''Benjamin:''' I did not realize that. Russell, did you realize that?
:'''Russell Finley:''' No, I did not realize that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' And could you guess the boss in this level? Would you expect anything different than... a giant donut?
:'''Wayne:''' Aaaahahahahaha! Yeah! Hahaha!

=== [[w:Castlevania (video game)|Castlevania Part One]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': What in the unholy name of ass is this fuckness? ''[looks at the script and fuckness is displayed as an invalid word]'' Oh, wait, that's not a word? Well, it should be. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Hmm. &quot;'''Trans Fishers'''&quot;? That reminds me of [[w:Terence Fisher|Terence Fisher]], the director of many of the hammer horror films. That's a funny coincidence. Oh, wait. &quot;'''Vran Stoker'''&quot;? Like [[w:Bram Stoker|Bram Stoker]], the author of ''[[w:Dracula|Dracula]]''? Wha-- &quot;'''Christopher Bee'''&quot;? Is it a joke? I don't get it! Are they saying [[w:Christopher Lee|Christopher Lee]] is like a bee? ''[Bee with a face like Christopher Lee's comes buzzing by]'' No, they can't mean that. This is probably just a series of strangely coincidental typos. &quot;'''[[w:Béla Lugosi|Belo Lugosi]]'''&quot;? &quot;'''[[w:Boris Karloff|Boris Karloffice]]'''&quot;? They're just fuckin' around. &quot;'''[[w:Lon_Chaney, Jr.|Love Chaney Jr.]]'''&quot;? &quot;'''[[w:Max Schreck|Mix Schrecks]]'''&quot;? &quot;'''[[w:Glenn Strange|Green Stranger]]'''&quot;? Is this supposed to be funny? Like, just to take a celebrity's name and change it around? That's like if I took the name [[w:Steven Spielberg|Steven Spielberg]] and called him &quot;'''Steven Gielberg'''&quot;. Like, that's not funny, that's kindergarten level! No, kindergarten students don't find that funny! Aliens don't find that funny! Well, anyway, that's ''Castlevania'' for you. Good game, but holy fuck, is it hard. Now, as promised, we're gonna plow through the rest of 'em, all the old-school Castlevania games. The ones that I grew up w--
:''[the '''&quot;WHAT A HORRIBLE NIGHT TO HAVE A CURSE.&quot;''' box from ''Castlevania II: Simon's Quest'' appears in front of the Nerd, interrupting him. The box disappears a few seconds later, and a day-to-night transition in the style of the said game is shown. Then the &quot;Monster Dance Theme&quot; plays and the Nerd's room looks darker than before. The Nerd notices the cartridge of said game]''
:'''The Nerd''': Not that one. Next on our list, is ''Castlevania III,'' which in many ways is the true follow-up--
:''[&quot;Monster Dance Theme&quot; plays and cartridge is shown again]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''No.'' I already reviewed that game. So, anyway--
:''[&quot;Monster Dance Theme&quot; music plays and cartridge is shown again]''
:'''The Nerd''': No.
:''[&quot;Monster Dance Theme&quot; plays and cartridge is shown again]''
:'''The Nerd''': Stop.
:''[&quot;Monster Dance Theme&quot; plays and cartridge is shown again]''
:'''The Nerd''': Stop!
:''[&quot;Monster Dance Theme&quot; plays and cartridge is shown again]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[annoyed]'' '''''STOP!'''''
:''[&quot;Monster Dance Theme&quot; plays and cartridge is shown yet again, and the Nerd looks at ''Castlevania III,'' and then back at ''Castlevania II,'' and &quot;To Be Continued...&quot; appears.]''

=== [[w:CastleVania|CastleVania Part Two]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': It goes back to the basic style of the first game, but has two main innovations. The first thing, you often come to a fork in the road where you get to choose which path to take. The other thing is that you get to play as other characters, whom you meet along the way. There's Grant, who climbs on walls, Sypha, who has magic spells, and Alucard, who can turn into a bat, but you need enough hearts to do it. Alucard happens to be Dracula's son. The name Alucard's Dracula spelled backwards, and it came from the 1943 movie, ''Son of Dracula.''
:'''Dracula''': Announce Count Alucard.
:'''Harry Brewster''': D-R-A-C--
:'''Frank Stanley''': What are you mumbling about?
:'''Harry Brewster''': Nothing, nothing. Just a silly idea hit me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' If there's any game which puts you in a bad mood, it's ''CastleVania III.'' You know, like if you want a game that'll '''''piss you off,''''' putting this game in your Nintendo is like running open-armed out into a rainstorm of piss. You wanna go balls to the wall? Well, there's one way to put your balls to the wall, and that's to stick your dick into an electric outlet. You wanna play shit tennis with an orangutan while having your head up a '''''hyena's asshole?!''''' Well, good luck. Well, that finishes off the '''CastleVania''' trilogy, but there's more memories to be shared. 'Cause Dracula never dies, Halloween is goin' overtime, it's a ''CastleVania''-thon! ''[howls like a wolf]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[blooper]''
:'''James D. Rolfe''': This game is like playing shit tennis, with an orangutan, while havin' a hyena's head up your ass! ''[cracks a smile]'' Or ''your'' head up ''it's'' ass! And-- ''[breaks character and laughs]''

=== [[w:Castlevania|Castlevania Part Three]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' When the 1980s came to an end, the ''Castlevania'' trilogy was already edged into my mind as classic. It was the arcitype of both the action and horror genres and a masterpiece in side-scrolling gaming. Roughly at the turn of the decade came the 16-bit era. I had no idea that it could actually get better. In 1991, ''Castlevania'' made its transition to the new Super Nintendo. But this wasn't just ''Castlevania IV.'' Oh, no. This was '''''Super''' Castlevania IV'', and well worthy of that title. The graphics and sound just blew my fucking balls off. The haunting and chilling atmosphere of the old games was now like a walk through the park with the Care Bears. This time, I was ''really'' getting scared.

=== [[w:Castlevania|Castlevania Part Four]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' That's what you call ''Castlevania.'' Traditional side-scrolling action. Familiar, yet fresh. It takes place all over Europe rather than just strictly in Transylvania. You get a choice of two characters; John Morris and Eric Lecarde. I wonder what happened to the Belmonts? Who are these people? Well, supposedly, John Morris is the son of Quincy Morris from ''Dracula'', the Bram Stoker novel. (cut to him IRL) That just blew my mind! It's like now we're bringing the novel into it? So the whole canon of the games is now with the canon of the book, and... it's like taking two cannons and putting them together!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' What are these, skeletons shooting lasers out their cocks?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;ANALBAG&quot;, that's me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''' In ''Dawn of Sorrow,'' Dracula's castle emerges from a solar eclipse in Japan. I thought that Japan had enough trouble with Godzilla stomping around. Now they have Dracula, too?

=== [[w:Little Red Hood|Little Red Hood]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' You're familiar with the story, right? It goes somethin' like this. Once upon a time, there was a girl named Little Red Riding Hood. She liked to jump in the air and whistle out her vagina. She kicked at trees until Big Bird's ballsack would appear. What, that's not the story? Oh, well excuse me, 'cause this isn't ''Little Red Riding Hood''. This is ''Little '''RED''' Hood''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' The only thing you might be wondering now, is what on Earth does this have to do with the story of ''Little Red Riding Hood''? Well... I'll tell ya. '''''Absolutely fuckin' nothing.'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' The music never changes. Every level is the same frothy sound of crackling ass!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' It's just, so random... Y'know, how many times have I used the word &quot;random&quot; and &quot;appear&quot;? But that's exactly what's happening. Stuff appears, or doesn't appear, or randomly does something else. I feel like a guinea pig in an experiment where they're testing the effects of negative reinforcement. Let's see what happens if we take the key away... It's 20 years late, but whoever you are, and if you wanna know what the effect is, [[Ghostbusters|I'll tell ya the effect: IT'S FUCKIN' PISSING ME OFF!]]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' But the most fucked-up level of all, is Level 8. Here, the key never appears. Just, never. It never appears. I played this stage for about an hour, before I eventually looked up an online walkthrough from someone who probably had more time to spare than me, and guess what? In this stage, the key doesn't appear, until you buy an invincibility potion and three slingshots! '''''HOW WOULD ANYBODY KNOW TO DO THAT?!''''' You go through the whole game, all of a sudden they throw you a curve ball and change the fuckin' rules!

=== [[w:Winter Games|Winter Games]] ===
:''[&quot;Dance of the Sugarplum Fairies&quot; plays in the background]''
:'''The Nerd''': It's winter. It's fucking cold. We're playing some ''Winter Games''. But anyway, let me get the greeting outta the way. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, happy... everybody! Happy holidays. And if you have a problem with &quot;Happy Holidays&quot;, then happy shut-the-fuck-up. But there ain't nothing happy about this shit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[horrible 8-bit background music]'' How do you like that music? Listen. ''[commenting on the music at the end of the Speed Skating event]'' Exquisite. ''[sarcastically]'' Isn't that the most beautiful, radiant sound that has ever been blessed upon your soul? Its exuberant tonality harmoniously blends the dying squeals of electronic goats with the melodic rapture of diarrhea bubbling from a coyote's crap-hole.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing the Figure Skating event]'' I'm not even kidding, but if I were to give out an award, a big shit-dripping trophy for the worst controls ''ever'' in a video game, I think it would go to this! I mean look at it! I've never seen anything this unresponsive! I'm hitting every button combination possible! You know, all it needs to be said about ''Winter Games'' is that you push buttons. That's all it is. How's ''Winter Games?'' You ever play ''Winter Games?'' Yeah, you push buttons. That's it. Go like this! You're playing ''Winter Games!'' ''[footage of [[The Wizard]] is shown]'' You ever watch a movie where someone's pretending to play a video game, but you tell they're just acting; they're just going like this? They're playing ''Winter Games.'' Yeah. Who programmed this thing? Maybe it was Fred Fucks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': '''''THIS IS A BLIZZARD OF BALLS!!! I can't believe humanity was capable of degrading itself so low as to produce such insulting catastrophe of ass!!''''' ''[reads caution label on the back of the cartridge (said caution label is only on some unlicensed NES games)]'' &quot;Do not store in extreme temperatures. Do not immerse in water. Do not clean with benzene, thinner, alcohol, or other such solvents. Do not hit or drop cartridge. Do not attempt to disassemble.&quot; ''[proceeds to do to the cartridge each of the things the caution label advises against]'' Like that? ''[places the remains of the cartridge into the crackling fireplace, where it catches fire and starts to melt]'' '''''BURN, MOTHERFUCKER, BURRRN!!! YEAAAAH!'''''

=== [[w:Street Fighter 2010|Street Fighter 2010]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Wanna play some games? Wanna play some shitty games? ...Well hang on just a second, I gotta go get my mail. ''(The Nerd steps out of his house to find it and the rest of the scenery in the scene is swarming with graphics from ''Street Fighter 2010''.)'' What the hell is all this shit!? There's metallic sea sponges everywhere! There's titanium rocket jockstraps! Headless parrots with bottle caps! Floating eyeballs entrapped in glass lids! How is this all happening? OH, ah-of course! It's the year 2010! Holy shit! This was all foreseen in the game ''Street Fighter 2010''!

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:'''AVGN''': Remember how futuristic the year 2000 seemed? My whole childhood, it seemed like every movie, every video game - it was always &quot;2000&quot;. It sounded so high-tech and so far away. But now, fuck that! It's the ten-year anniversary of the year 2000. ''(referring to ''[[w:Back to the Future Part II|Back to the Future Part II]]'s'' depiction of the year 2015)'' In five years, we're gonna have flying cars and hoverboards and self-lacing shoes... It better happen. Otherwise they should have made it the year 3000. Even if they made it 2100, we'd all be dead; it wouldn't make a difference anyway! Better to be a mystery than to be wrong!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Who would've thought that Street Fighter's past lied in the future, which is now the present? Let's take a look at this. I can only imagine, we're gonna be Tiger Uppercutting through space and time, we're gonna be throwing Sonic Booms on the moon, Hadoukens up Uranus! Fuck ''[[w:Street Fighter IV|Street Fighter IV]]'', this is ''Street Fighter 2010!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': What the hell is this poop-plastered, shit-smothered piece of fuck? And what does it have to do with ''Street Fighter''?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(commenting on the cover illustration of ''[[w:Fighting Street|Fighting Street]]'', showing [[w:Ryu_(Street_Fighter)|Ryu]] in front of [[w:Mt. Rushmore|Mt. Rushmore]])'' To be even more elusive, they changed the fucking title to ''Fighting Street''! That doesn't make any sense! But at least you get to play as classic characters such as Ryu, [[w:George Washington|George Washington]], and [[w:Abraham Lincoln|Abe Lincoln]].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The final boss looks like a big, blistering ball sack that swallowed Grimace. His only weak spot is the face. The ideal strategy is to climb on the wall and keep shooting, but your beam doesn't reach. Not without full powerups. You can try jumping off and shooting, but that takes too long. You don't have time. When you're plowing through the stage, you gotta stop and get all the powerups. But that wastes time too! But you gotta do it! You gotta somehow make it all happen! You can't beat one boss flawlessly but then fuck up a little on the next one. You gotta: 1) Beat all the bosses without getting hurt too much, 2) Get all the power-ups, and 3) Do it fast as shit. All in one perfect run. But once you do it, man, you're on the fucking top of the world. Yeah, boom, BOOM! [Imitates explosions as he beats the game] And that, my friends, is Street Fighter 2010. That's all I have to say. So happy new year, happy new decade... am I forgetting anything? ... Yeah. Forgot my fucking mail. [He walks then the screen zooms that says &quot;THE END.&quot;]

=== [[w:Hydlide|Hydlide]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Ugh, ''Hydlide''! Just saying the name gives you a gag reflex like you're about to puke! ''HYDLIDE''! Sounds so wretched and foul!

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:'''AVGN''': Picking up a game like this, in itself, is like embarking on an adventure. You can stick to the familiar NES classics, or you can be a brave explorer and search the unknown. You might uncover a gem, or a turd covered in vomit. And this is a turd covered in vomit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': There's no skill involved. You'll never know whether or not you're hitting the monster or the monster's hitting you. It's just as random as rolling the dice or [[w:American Movie|playing the lottery; sometimes you win, and sometimes you lose. But I guess it's better than using drugs or alcohol because with drugs and alcohol, especially drugs, you always lose.]]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Anyway, I got the Lantern. Now I'm going back to that dark cave to figure out what the fuck was killing me...I don't see anything! So that only concludes there was nothing. That's a cheat if I ever saw one. The game kills you with NOTHING!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': That's what you get for reaching into the dark depths of the NES library. You might as well be reaching into a dog's asshole, 'cause all you're going to find is shit.

=== [[w:Ninja Gaiden (Nintendo Entertainment System)|Ninja Gaiden]] ===
:'''Ninja:''' You are as slow as sloth taking shit! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Nunchaku-fuck!

=== [[w:Swordquest|Swordquest]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(commenting on Atari's promotion of the &quot;SwordQuest&quot; series via $150,000 worth of ornately crafted and decorated fantasy items, which players back in the day could win by playing the games, finding and deciphering in-game clues, and sending them to Atari)'' Not since the medieval times have I heard of a treasure quest of this magnitude! It gets you really excited to play the games, so that's what I call a promotion: You'd be wearing your ''SwordQuest'' T-shirt, with your comic books and posters, drinking out of your gold chalice with your crown, philosopher's stone, and sword, and not to mention your ''SwordQuest'' video gaming cartridges exclusive from Atari.

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:'''The Nerd:''' ''(playing the &quot;Earthworld&quot; installment)'' Every time you go to the next room, it sounds like an explosion. That's what's so great about Atari: Something as simple as going through a door is an event.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Now, what can that mean? Hmm... 16-4... The comic book. ''(Picks up the book and opens up the page)'' Page 16, Panel 4. I don't see anything... What-- ''[Reveals a hidden word]'' Wow. ''(He writes down the word and continues playing and finding more clues)'' There's 10 hidden words, and they're supposed to make a sentence. But five of them are bogus. The only way to figure out which are the right words is to find a subliminal hint on the first page. The words prime and number are a different color than the rest, so this means you only use the clues that are prime numbers. Lemme tell you, in 1982, people had a lot of time on their hands and a lot of creativity to figure this out. Out of 5,000 entries, only 8 gamers got the right sentence. The winner was 20-year old Steven Bell. Good work, man!

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:'''The Nerd:''' ''(playing the &quot;Fireworld&quot; installment)'' What are we doing here, hitting birds with a pole? Throwing knives? Now you're actually steering the knives into a, uh, turkey club sandwich. This part, you're like a black eagle shooting bullets at snakes! All with glorious Atari sound effects.

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:'''The Nerd:''' ''(referring to general suspicions that the remaining three un-awarded treasures of the &quot;SwordQuest&quot; contest, including the planned grand prize, a gold-and-jewel-encrusted sword, is in possession of [[w:Jack Tramiel|Jack Tramiel]], who had bought Atari after [[w:North American video game crash of 1983|the infamous video game crash of 1983]])'' Somebody's gotta find out. The '''real''' ''SwordQuest'' is the quest for that sword and the other treasures. They belong in the hands of gamers who earn them. You know, everybody who put those games in their Ataris had a chance of winning. It was something to dream about. But that dream's been thrown about the toilet. It's 30 years later, but I say the contest must go on. Finish the last game! You can't have earth, fire, and water without air! The balance of the cosmos must be restored, the true bearer of that sword ''must'' be found! The Kingdom of Nerddom depends on it!

=== [[w:Pong|Pong Consoles]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Pong. A simple word. A simple idea. It's just Pong. It was one of the first video arcades, from 1972. A simple screen mounted inside what looked like a carved tree stump. You could call this the &quot;Wooden Age&quot; of video games, when everything was made of wood, and two people playing tennis looked like two glow sticks batting a square ball back and forth. Yeah, this is before circles were invented.

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:'''AVGN''': I thought it was fun. Apparently, people thought so too back then. So that's why they made a home pong console so you can play it at home, and then, there was another one... and another one... and another one! AND ANOTHER ONE! AND ANOTHER ONE! ''AND ANOTHER ONE!'' There was like nine million fucking pong consoles!

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:'''AVGN''': This might be a good time to bring up that most of these old consoles have a connector that looks like [[wikipedia:RCA_connector|this]]. You have to plug them into a box, and screw the box into your TV. But I say get yourself one of these [an adapter], plug it into the coaxial unit on your TV, plug the game in, and tell that box to go fuck itself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The Sears Super Pong Telegame. Simple enough, two little knobs for controllers, works alright, basic Pong, you got four different kinds of Pong, like... what the hell is this? &quot;Reverse Pong&quot;? Okay, now what's this, &quot;Asshole Pong&quot;? That's not fair.

&lt;hr width+&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''':  Well, that's Pong for ya. All these different consoles goes to show how such a simple game could become such a hot-selling franchise. I could see people thinking 30 years ago &quot;Wow. Pong. This is where it's at! It ain't gonna get any better than this!&quot; Now what's this here, this &quot;Xbox 360?&quot; Some modern game system? I don't know, maybe it has advanced graphics? Might even be in color. Let's check it out. ''[starts playing &quot;[[w:Grand Theft Auto IV|Grand Theft Auto IV]]&quot; as a rock remix of the Angry Video Game Nerd theme plays. Cut to the Nerd with an absolutely amazed expression on his face]''

== Season Five ==

=== [[w:Action 52|Action 52]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': Are you ready for some action? Some ''Action 52?'' I suppose so, because I get requests for this game all the time. Like this one right here: ''[reading a fan email]'' &quot;''Action 52.'' Fuck this game, please do a review on it. You asshole. Thanks.&quot; Wow. I guess I gotta do it now.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Number 5, &quot;Ooze.&quot; Oh, wow, a title screen? Really? ''[starts the game, then sees several green pickle-shaped objects in the background]'' Oh my god, it's...it's... ''[the objects each turn into a Shit Pickle]''
:'''Shit Pickles''': Shitpickleshitpickleshitpickleshit...
:'''The Nerd''': Whoa! Ohh-
:'''Shit Pickles''': Pickle! Shi-i-i-i-i-
:'''The Nerd''': Narlalalala!
:'''Shit Pickles''': Shit pickle!
:'''The Nerd''': Alrighty, then. Well, this is the first game that uses the &quot;B&quot; button. For ''jumping''! Any gamer who grew up with ''Super Mario Bros.'' expects &quot;A&quot; to jump.

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:'''The Nerd''': ''(playing the 7th game, Crytical Bypass)'' &quot;Crytical Bypass&quot;. It's critical that you bypass this game!

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:'''The Nerd''': ''(playing the 20th game, Space Dreams, then learning that safety pins are the enemy)'' Oh, my, what's this gonna be? Why of course! Another space shooter! This time, you're a pacifier shooting at weird dolls, rabbits, and safety pins. ''Safety pins'' as enemies in a video game...Where'd they come up with this stuff?! ''[playing one of the game programmers]'' Gee, what kind of enemy could I have for this game? I have 32 games left I have to program, so I have to hurry up. ''[he picks up a safety pin where it lays on a table]'' Ahhh, safety pin! That'll be perfect! ''[he puts the safety pin down and types in his computer]'' Next game.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing the 22nd game, Spread Fire]'' These kind of games must have been the easiest to design. Take a black background, cover it in dots, and call it space. You know what? It's getting old.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[after playing 25 of the games]'' ...Wow. Twenty-five shitty games, and still going. This is an endurance, man. I've never played such a huge compilation of crap in my life. Was the whole idea to make ''so many shitty games'' that there'd be no more shitty games left to make!? Out of all of these, there's gotta be at least one that's...''tolerable''!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing the 29th game]'' Uh, &quot;Slashers&quot;? I thought it'd be like a horror game. Instead it's a poor man's version of ''Double Dragon''. Saying ''that'' is being extremely generous.
:'''The Nerd''': And what are these, hookers?! I guess this guy doesn't understand the concept of a hooker. You're supposed to fuck her, not fuck her up!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing the 31st game, Fuzz Power]'' Whoever came up with this is an ''asshole!'' ''[cuts to a fictionalized version of the episode that would be shown on public TV with profanity bleeped out]'' Whoever came up with this is an ''assh***!'' Ass! ''[pause]'' Hole? Assh***! ''[sarcastically]'' Television makes a lot of &quot;sense&quot;.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[after playing 35 of the 52 games]'' I've lost all hope. 52 games, they all probably suck. I can think of some pretty bad games. Like ''Little Red Hood.'' That's a ''horrible'' game. But at least it's ''one'' horrible game! Not ''52!'' You know what's more fun than ''Action 52?'' 52 Card Pickup. You know how you play that? ''[drops a deck of 52 playing cards on the floor]'' Pick up the cards!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Number 36, &quot;Storm over the Desert.&quot; Ooh, another title screen! So, you're an army tank, shooting at other army tanks... which happen to be pink. Also, there's no way to die. Anything you touch will explode. Those pink tanks are fuckin' pussies. ''[a giant [[w:Saddam Hussein|Saddam Hussein]] runs across the screen]'' What the hell?! A giant Saddam Hussein? How'd they fuck up the scale this bad? The soldiers aren't giant, so why's Saddam?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing the 48th game, Time Warp Tickers]'' You're a pair of fingers in checkerboard-land with upside-down doors. What kind of drugs were they on? Was this game even made by a human being? ''&quot;Time?&quot;''? When you kill things, it says ''&quot;Time?&quot;''? What does that mean? Time to play another fuckin' game?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[after playing 51 of the 52 games]'' '''''I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY SOLD THIS SHITFEST FOR $199!''''' That's about how much it costs for a video game ''console'', pretty much. You can take $199, stand on a bridge and just throw it all away! You'd rather do ''anything'' than spend it on a broken-down dysfunctional disaster of video game programming! With games that crash, hideous jumping control, random characters, microscopic sprites, a marathon of mediocre space shooters, dying in midair, problems with proportion, misleading titles, misleading power-ups, embarrassing weapons, seizure-inducing backgrounds, lack of enemies, games you can't win, games you can't lose, games that make no sense whatsoever, shitty graphics, shitty music, shitty menus, and a fuck-ton of other things! It should've been ''illegal'' for them to sell this rotten shitload of putrid fuck for any price! I feel humiliated to live on the same planet as someone who designed an electronic abomination of this magnitude! Couldn't they have tried making one ''good'' game, as opposed to 52 ''horrible'' games? Quality over quantity. That's our lesson here. ''[drinks Rolling Rock]'' Well, there's only one game left so it has one last chance to redeem itself. Could this all be the effort went into? Could there be a cherry on top of the shit sundae? We can only hope. ''[begins playing the 52nd game as the credits roll]''

=== [[w:Action 52|Cheetahmen]] ===

:'''AVGN''': They must have put all their focus into this one game, so this one's gotta be good...right? ''(shot of the gameplay from ''Cheetahmen''; the player sprite touches the edge of a pool of water with the top of his head, and instantly dies)'' IT SUCKS - MONKEY - BUTTS - LIKE ALL - THE FUCKIN' - REST!!! ''(drinks Rolling Rock)'' Okay. Let's go.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(playing ''Cheetahmen'' on the Action 52 cartridge, jumping over the giant [[w:Saddam Hussein|Saddam Hussein]] from Storm Over the Desert)'' Dude, think about it: A giant cheetah jumping over Saddam Hussein, whoa! I never thought I'd see that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(discussing Cheetahmen II)'' I suppose this is the end of Action 52, but!  They made... a Cheetahmen... sequel.  Oh, yeah!  You know how with a bad game, sometimes you wonder how it even made it into stores?  Well, this is a case in which the horror was so unspeakable, the game was never released.  ''(shows stills from the ending of Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark and plays ominous music from the film)''  The cartridges were stored in a warehouse where they remained for years to come.  It was never meant to be played.  Then, in the late 90's, the cartridges were discovered, and became valuable collector's items. ''(stops playing music and showing stills)''  That's a true story.  Except that the real story was probably a little less dramatic than that.  Only 1500 of these games are known to exist and they command ''outrageous'' prices on eBay. I don't know if I should consider myself lucky or...not, but...here it is. (the Nerd reveals the game cartridge in his hand) The unholy grail of gaming. Would you believe that this game is so bad it doesn't even get its own cartridge? They recycled the same plastic casing from Action 52, and put a Cheetahmen II sticker on the back. ''(The cartridge's sticker actually reads &quot;Cheetamen&quot; instead of &quot;Cheetahmen II&quot;.)'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(after defeating the boss in ''Cheetahmen II'', but the game fails to start the next level)'' Well, I beat the game. At least I got as far as I can possibly go before it fucks out! Well, this is where I'd end things... ''(drinks Rolling Rock)'' ...but, there's yet another ''Cheetahmen'' game. ''(produces a copy of the Sega Genesis port of ''Action 52'')'' Yeah. ''Action 52'' on the Genesis. They just couldn't leave it alone, could they?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(talking about SKATER from the Genesis ''Action 52'')'' You're some kid on roller skates jumping fifty feet in the air, of course. And most of the obstacles are dead cats! At least, I'm pretty sure they're dead. Why else would a cat be laying in the road? Tell me. If you're programming a video game and you have a choice of all the things that could be on the road like mufflers, puddles of oil, traffic cones, hubcaps, fallen trash cans, open manholes, of all the things you can put there, why does your imagination go straight to ''dead cats!?''

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:'''AVGN''': ''(after playing ''Cheetahmen'' from the Genesis ''Action 52'')'' I don't believe it. I just can't believe it that - this is even ''less'' playable than the NES version! You think by now, they'd come back down to Earth and un-''fuck'' themselves! But you know what the really good news is? I'm done with ''Action 52''! ''(puts on a party hat and blows on a party horn while fireworks go off)''

=== Game Glitches ===

:'''AVGN''': Don't you just hate it when that happens? You'll be playin' a game, and then all of a sudden, it starts glitching up! ''(inserts Metal Gear into his Nintoaster)'' Oh, come on. Metal Gear's fuckin' up now? You blow the game, jiggle it around, use different consoles, but it still doesn't work. You know, when this happens, that means that there's something inside your game. Something that wants to reduce the graphics into a pixelated mishmash of garbage. You're dealing with...a Game Graphic Glitch Gremlin.
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' [Cackling] Good day to you, Nerd, how are you? Good day, sir! As you know, I am the Glitch Gremlin! And, I've got glitches in me britches for ya, Nerd! I've got ''(gibberish)''.
:'''AVGN''': I'm gonna lay the fuck smack on you! You think I can't still play?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[ [[w:Mike Tyson|Mike Tyson]]'s portrait from ''[[w:Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!|Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!]]'' is displayed, but the entire graphical display glitches up, eliciting a shocked reaction from the Nerd]''
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' And here we have ''Punch-Out!!'' with &quot;Iron Mike&quot; Tyson. I just ironed out his face! How do you like that? We'll call him Shit-Fuck-Face Mike Tyson!
:'''AVGN''': You little fuck-nugget, get out of my game!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''[After describing his victory over the boss Big Pets in [[w:Mega Man 5|Mega Man 5]] while having been hindered by a glitch]'' And ''that'' was a great moment in Nerd history.
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' That's not possible! I've never seen anything like it!
:'''AVGN''': I should get a gold medal.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''(The Nerd plays [[w:Rocky (2002 video game)|the 2002 ''Rocky'' game on PlayStation 2]], but the audience is severely glitching around, and the two boxers supposed to be in the ring are nowhere to be seen.)''
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' Well, you sure packed quite a crowd tonight, Nerd! You sure did, standing room only...a full house of glitches! Ding ding ding! In this corner, we have weighing in at zero pounds and zero ounces, nothing! In this corner, we've got much of the same! Nothing!
:'''AVGN''': No...
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' ''(As the in-game announcer repeats &quot;Next up is a fight...&quot;)''Do you hear that? What's that sound? Huh? Hm? Sounds of glitch. Your glitch. Enjoy it. ''(The Nerd resets his PS2, and'' ''the in-game combatants show up this time.)'' Nope. No use resetting. Not gonna do a thing.
:'''AVGN:''' Eh, fuck you. It's working now. ''(Spider Rico suddenly sinks into the floor.)'' What was ''that''!?
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' I pulled him through the floor! That's a good one! Good one, Glitch Gremlin! ''(The Nerd looks on in shock as the fighters continuously sink to the floor. The Glitch Gremlin dances.)'' Oh yeah! I'm glitching! Get down, you bad self! Get down! Get down! Get down! Wooo!
:'''AVGN''': Wow, I've ''never'' seen a game this fucked up. ''(He takes out the ''Rocky'' disc to clean it.)''
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' ''(his reflection appears in the disc)'' Not gonna work, not gonna work. What time is it? Not-gonna-work o'clock. ''(The Nerd plays the game again, but now the in-game boxers have warped facial features.)'' In this corner, we have Bug-Eyed Balboa!
:'''AVGN''': What happened to his ''mouth''!?
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' His eyes are popping out! And in that corner, we've got Spider Rico, with no jaw! ''(He sinks into the floor, again.)''
:'''AVGN''': They're like zombies! What is this, &quot;Rocky: The Undead Edition&quot;? You are really one sick fuck, you know that? I'm gonna try Clubber Lang.
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' Oh, Clubber Lang, that could be a good one. Let's see what else I've got up my sleeves - oh, I'm not wearing any, but for my final show-stopper, FEAST YER EYES ON THIS! ''(The in-game model of Clubber Lang appears horrifically deformed and mis-assembled, heavily resembling a straight log of solid fecal matter. His left leg flashes between being visible and invisible, while his right leg does not appear at all. A baffled Nerd drops his controller while the Gremlin laughs gleefully.)''
:'''AVGN''': It's a Clubber-fuck!

=== [[w:Zelda II: The Adventure of Link|Zelda II]] ===
:'''AVGN''': ''(commenting on the odd names for enemies in the original [[w:The Legend of Zelda|''The Legend of Zelda'']])'' What do you call that? A rabbit's head? ''(buzzer sound)'' Wrong. A &quot;Pols Voice&quot;. What's that, a mummy? ''(buzzer sound)'' &quot;Gibdo&quot;. What's that, a ghost? ''(buzzer sound)'' &quot;Ghini&quot;. What's that? Well, it's kinda like...like... ''(triple-ding sound)'' What?! It's called a &quot;Like Like&quot;?! Yeah, I'm not makin' this up, this is all comin' straight from the manual. What do you call that? A snake? ''(buzzer sound)'' Wrong, it's called &quot;Rope&quot;. Yeah, really! If you can't tell the difference between a snake and a rope, you're in trouble. What's that, a bat? ''(buzzer sound)'' No, it's &quot;Keese&quot;. What do you call the keys then, &quot;Bats&quot;? What's that, a knight? ''(buzzer sound)'' A &quot;Darknut&quot;. Well then, what's that? Uh, a, uh, Geiger counselman? ''(buzzer sound)'' Oh, a &quot;Rock&quot;. What's that, a spider? ''(buzzer sound)'' A &quot;Tektite&quot;. Now what the ''fuck'' is a Tektite!? Is that even a real word? I'll look it up...yeah, it is. ''(reads off a dictionary)'' &quot;Tektite. Any of several kinds of small glassy bodies, in various forms, occurring in Australia and elsewhere, now believed to have been produced by the impact of meteorites on the earth's surface.&quot; Yeah. Or, a ''spider''. Well, fuck. Let's move onto ''Zelda II''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': In each town, there's a woman that restores your health. She invites Link inside, and you never see what's happening in there. Is she giving him a potion? Is she performing a magic spell? No. We all know what's ''really'' happening. Link is like, you know, getting a little of the [[w:A Clockwork Orange (film)|ol' in-out in-out]]. I mean, this isn't little boy Link anymore, he's grown up now. He learns all these special moves like the down-thrust and the up-thrust, and there, he learns the cunt-thrust. Yeah, that should be the name of a band. But really, Link deserves to get some because of all this hell he goes through. He's not gonna get any from Zelda... Well, then again, she's in a sleeping spell. What was Link doing there in the first place? Oh, no, Link's a poon hound.

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:'''AVGN''': ''(repeatedly failing to defeat the final boss, Dark Link)'' Well, it's impossible. I have better luck trying to fight my own shadow! ''(imitates trying to punch his own shadow on the wall and hurting his hand against the wall)'' You motherfucker! C'mon! God damn! ''(cuts back to the Nerd on his couch)'' You can't beat your own shadow, and that's what this game is. It's your dark alter ego that knows more about you than you know about yourself. I don't know how you could win, unless you're ''really'' hardcore. Some gamers are so hardcore with the first game, they've actually made it to Ganon ''without the sword.'' That's insane! But, people like a good challenge. You want a good challenge? Try beating ''Zelda II'' with the Power Glove, yeah. That's a laugh. In conclusion, it's still a great game. But many consider it the black sheep of the Zelda franchise. And understandably, it's very different from the first game but obviously Nintendo didn't want to just rehash the same game over again so they tried something new. Some people were confused and admittedly it had some mixed results. But it had a legacy of its own. It was the first Zelda game that had towns to visit and to have a magic meter and many games copied its style such as Battle of the Olympus and even Rambo. Bottom line, it's a good game, but a very frustrating one. I'll never beat it as long as I live. Nope. ''(turns off TV, walks away, but then runs back to the TV to turn it back on. The ending message appears on the TV saying &quot;You saved Hyrule and you are a real hero!&quot; Then, he looks at the Power Glove in shock and disbelief. Then the curtain lowers and then Zelda and Link supposedly kiss with the curtain covering it up and the words &quot;The End&quot; appear.)''

=== Back To The Future Trilogy ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' I've always wanted to go back and complete them the way I originally intended. The ''McKids'' video, for example. I felt like there should have been a dancing scene with Ronald McDonald, Grimace, and the Hamburglar. And Dracula. And Skeletor. I'd also like to go back to the original negatives, clean them up, make them look good as shit, and give them some new enhancements.
:''[in the &quot;Top Gun&quot; review, the Nerd fires a Sonic Boom at the TV, destroying it. After that, the same thing happens, but Praxis effect rings come from the explosion.]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' In the ''Friday the 13th'' video, I shot Jason Voorhees in the head.
:'''The Nerd from his ''&quot;Friday the 13th&quot;'' Review:''' You're easier to beat in real life than you are in that '''''fuckin' game, you no-good piece of--!''''' ''['''BANG!!!''' The Nerd shoots Jason in the head in the original review]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' That made me look like a cold-blooded killer. I always felt Jason should have shot first. ''[same thing, but Jason fires a laser gun at the Nerd, but he dodges and shoots Jason in the head]''
:'''The Nerd''': I'm just kidding. I have no intentions of changing my older videos like that. But with all seriousness, some of the games I've done, I could have covered them a little better.

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[replaying'' Top Gun] I'm gonna land this thing. Oh, yeah. I'm finally gonna land the plane. This time, I'm gonna land it for real. Oh, I got it. I got it. I got the speed right, but the altitude's off! ''[watches the numbers]'' Oh, I'm going too fast! ''[watches the screen]'' ''[the plane somehow flies out of the TV with the Nerd looking surprised and breaks through a window]'' Hey, if, uh...anybody sees that plane, can you let me know?

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' And what about Judge Doom? He's one of the most difficult bosses in video game history, and I barely said a damn thing about him. Anytime Doom hits you, he takes a great deal of damage, but when ''you'' hit ''him,'' it doesn't do much. With such a huge assortment of weapons, you'd think that there'd be one that inflicts more damage on him, but nope, he has no weakness. All you can do is punch, punch, punch. It may seem easier than it looks, but Doom has no clear pattern. You gotta get lucky and just get him in the right rhythm so you can keep hitting him.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' Once you knock him down, you think it's all over, but no. You gotta pick up the Dip Cannon. But before you can use it, you have to select it. Like, no shit. Why ''wouldn't'' I want it selected? The worst part is that now Judge Doom kills you with one hit. It doesn't matter how full your health is. Anyone's natural reaction is to tap the button, but that won't get you far. You have to know to ''hold down'' the button, and only ''that way'' can you beat him.
:''[Judge Doom is defeated, and the end screen with the text saying, &quot;Toontown is saved and remains in the hands of its rightful owners, the Toons. The End.&quot;]''

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' I already mentioned how the game has nothing to do with the movie. You're collecting clocks, throwing bowling balls, and dodging bees, and other bizarre things. One thing I didn't elaborate on before is how Marty has some serious problem with his legs where he can't stop walking. You'd think this is a Goddamn flying game because you can't stop. Imagine all the problems Marty must go through on a daily basis, being cursed to walk for all eternity! Imagine trying to order at a fast food restaurant, or any restaurant. Imagine going to work or trying to use a bathroom or fly on a plane. He can only stand still when he's behind a counter at a Café throwing milkshakes. Anybody who's played this Café stage knows how unforgiving it is, and I've talked about it already. ''[a Café customer stops to talk to Marty, then he throws him against the wall.]''
:'''The Nerd''': But wouldn't you like to know what the rest of the game is like? Do we ever see Doc Brown, or does the DeLorean ever make an appearance? Or any of the other things from the movie? Let's find out.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' The rest of the street stages are all the same, except they change the color. &quot;No effort. Time is money, don't design another stage. Just change the color, and kids will think it's different.&quot; Do they think we're idiots?
:'''The Nerd''': Then we come to an empty classroom where Lorraine, I guess, is shooting hearts at Marty. What, is he the teacher all of a sudden? And what's he catching hearts for? I suppose it's like in the movie where Lorraine has a crush on Marty, but that's his mom so he's trying not to let that happen. Why isn't he avoiding the hearts then? Oh, I see, I guess he's catching them in a book or something. It's the most literal interpretation of a movie. &quot;It's about time, so let's have clocks! It's about romance, let's have hearts!&quot; Was this game designed by a human being? Or did they just feed the movie into a computer to process and then shit out this nonsensical fuck-poop?
:'''The Nerd''': Once again, like the Café stage, you have to score at least 50 points. Then it's on to more walking stages, and after that, it's the Enchantment Under The Sea dance where Marty plays guitar. What do you do? You have to catch musical notes. What more did you expect? I'll tell you one thing, it's certainly no ''Guitar Hero'' or ''Rock Band.'' Why does Marty play the guitar like a stand-up bass the whole time? Why is he wearing a boiler suit? I guess the same reason he's wearing a black muscle shirt. Where's the red jacket or the suit? Couldn't they have gotten Marty to look ''anything'' like he did in the films? And what about the music? Wouldn't this have been an opportune time to hear ''Earth Angel'' or ''Johnny B. Goode?'' ''[notices music from the game]'' Okay, wait a minute. It ''is'' Johnny B. Goode on crack. ''[4 seconds later]'' If [[w:Capcom|they]] can make the ''DuckTales'' theme sound awesome in 8-bit, why not this? At least you get some different music for once.
:'''The Nerd''': Next, more walking. And finally, the DeLorean. Yes, the DeLorean makes an appearance, after all. This is supposed to be the scene where Marty is trying to get back to the future. The streets of Hill Valley are getting slammed with repeated lightning strikes! All you have to do here is dodge the lightning. That's all. Why are you dodging lightning anyway? Isn't Marty trying to get the lightning to hit the DeLorean to generate the 1.21 gigawatts and send him back to 1985? Isn't that the whole fucking idea of the movie? Anyway, that's ''Back to the Future'' NES. No special ending, nothing. ''[The music from the game continues playing]'' Fuck that music.

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:'''The Nerd''': Well, now that we've seen the whole game, we can conclude that it has... uh... ''some'' relation to the movie. But it doesn't have any of the familiar music cues. And don't tell me it was some kind of licensing issue, like they were able to license the movie, but not the music that belongs with that movie that we all recognize. No Back to the Future theme, no Power of Love, no Back in Time, no Johnny B. Goode! (SORT OF) Well, fuck this! ''[throws the game cartridge behind the futon and drinks some Rolling Rock, accompanied by Johnny B. Goode on crack]''

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' When I first reviewed this game, I was being a shithead. I never explained how it's played. And that's where things get really interesting. You're supposed to collect 30 items, and bring them all back to their rightful places and times. You find the items behind locked doors. To unlock the doors, you need to find the keys which are found by killing random enemies. But the keys don't sit still. They fly off the screen the second they appear. Usually, you're not expecting the key, so you might not catch it. Once the key's gone, it doesn't return. Not unless you exit the level and come back. Even when you get a key, most of the doors don't let you in. ''[Marty cannot unlock a door]'' I don't know the reason for this, but when you do find the right door, you'll get an item. But you don't get it right away, you have to do some sort of mini-game. They're all different, but the goal is the same: To collect all the clocks. How original.

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' Why did LJN have to make every NES movie adaptation? Couldn't they have given somebody else a try? No, they wanted to incorporate the entire spectrum of awfulness. ''[The LJN rainbow logo appears on the screen, and each color lights up as the Nerd mentions them]'' &quot;Purple for Putrid Gameplay&quot;, &quot;blue for Bad Musical Abominations&quot;, &quot;Green for Graphical Farts and Garlic&quot;, &quot;Yellow for Piss Poor Lack of Loyalty to Source Material&quot;, &quot;Orange for 'Aren't You a Fuckin' Idiot?'&quot;, and &quot;Red for High-Stress Anger-Inducing Masochism&quot;. Put that all together, you got all the colors of the Shit Rainbow. ''[sarcastically]'' Hooray, LJN.

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover, playing Back to the Future Part III on Genesis]'' Naturally, the graphics are a big step up, going over to a 16-bit console, and it represents the film far better than the Nintendo games. But there's one fatal flaw: the difficulty. You're Doc Brown on a horse trying to save Clara from going into the ravine. Unfortunately, the ground is littered with crates and other random obstacles, and the air is filled with birds, tomahawks, and all kinds of projectiles.
:'''The Nerd''': You get hit once, it knocks you off your horse, costing you precious time. If you fall only a few times, you have to start over. ''[Game Over screen with Clara falling into the ravine and her gravestone appears]'' Hazards come without any warning. The human brain cannot react as fast as this game demands! It's like a memory test; the only way to get by is to remember the whole level.
:'''The Nerd''': Uh, Jump! Uh, uh, jump again! Duck, uh... shoot, uh... what, ''[yells]'' '''''FUCK!''''' ''[Doc Brown gets knocked off horse]'' ''[exclaims]'' You fucking processing, stop being so blast!
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' It's really hard to distinguish which objects are hazards and which are just there for decoration, like this underwear. This is a perfect example of a game that starts out way too hard. It's only the first level and I can't beat it!
:'''The Nerd''': From what I understand, there's only four levels. For a Sega Genesis game, that's pathetic. I guess they were too lazy to design a longer game so they just made it more difficult so it'd take longer to beat, that's all!
:'''The Nerd''': ''[moans]'' Oh, and that fucking song, I am so sick of hearing it! Next time I hear Ghost Riders in the Sky, I'm gonna think about going 100 miles per hour on a horse jumping crates and getting shot at and shit!
:''[Doc gets knocked off horse repeatedly]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' Fuck-fuck-fuck-'''''UNGH'''''-'''''UNGH'''''-fuck-fuck-ungh-UNGH-UNGH-FUCK-fuck-''ungh''-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-'''''FUCK!!! FUCK!''''' ''[gets furious, throws a pillow at the TV, takes out the game, throws it to the floor and screams.]'' Daaamn!! ''[he yells while he strangles the controller and throws the pillow to the floor.]''

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[after playing Super Back to the Future Part II on SNES]'' A '''''good''''' ''Back to the Future'' game? Somebody made a good ''Back to the Future'' game...and it was only in Japan? ''[suddenly gets angry]'' '''''WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS FUCKIN' WORLD?!''''' We get '''''THESE''''' shitty games, but not '''''THAT''''' one? Like, what the Hell? Why would you do that? It's good! I mean, it's not great, but, it's the best goddamn ''Back to the Future'' game I've ever played. It's actually a game! Why bury the gem and dig up the turd? Innocent people have suffered through these fucking fuck heaps! People developed &quot;Fuck it!&quot;-itis from this shit! People have gone on to live horrible lives, kicking babies in the balls! If you would've went back in time and said to people, &quot;Hey, hey, there's a good ''Back to the Future'' game. Put this shit down and go to Japan!&quot;, they would've looked at you like you're telling them to go...teabag a goat on the surface of Mars. ''[sarcastically]'' Well, thank you for taking a fuckin' shit on us all.

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:'''The Nerd''': Well, hope you enjoyed my Nintendo Days Re-Revisited. Oh, and guess what? Yeah, I hate sentences that begin with that: &quot;Guess what?&quot; Because you know it's never a good thing. ''[sighs]'' But the fact is... I have one more game to revisit. I don't wanna say what it is, let alone even play it, but I'm thinking about it.

=== Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde Re-Revisited ===
:''[The episode begins with a black-and-white clip; the first few seconds from the original &quot;Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde&quot; review from 2004. The Nerd's voice can be heard over this.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' In May of 2004, I gave a warning about a game called Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I made it perfectly clear: '''''DO NOT PLAY''''' this game. But, from what I understand... people have played it. They didn't listen...but, it wasn't their fault. I only showed about one minute of footage from the game, and even though I talked about it at great length, it didn't do any good. ''[The Nerd drinks some Rolling Rock.]'' I called it a piece of shit. I called it an awful pile of steaming goat shit... ''[shakes his head in disgust]'' ...but, that was honoring it. I could have said ''anything,'' it wouldn't have mattered. I could have taken a '''''fuck''''' on it. But my own '''''fuck''''' would have been offended to lay on this ''loathsome piece of '''filth.''''' Just the thought of covering this thing in doo-doo is like encasing it in gold. I curse the day I ''ever'' laid eyes on it. I curse the plastic that holds this abomination. My words are ''insufficient'' in describing the '''''total insult''''' to humanity that this '''''&quot;game&quot;''''' has provided. Everything that '''''I've''''' ever said, and anything that '''''anybody else''''' has ever said, is '''''not''''' enough. It '''''must''''' be shown. ''[He drinks more Rolling Rock]''

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:'''The Nerd:''' Here's the deal. If you die as Jekyll, you turn into Hyde. Die as Hyde, the game's over. There's two ways to die as Hyde. Number 1: The traditional way: Getting hit too many times. Number 2: Getting '''''as far''''' as Jekyll. Yeah, you know whenever lightning strikes and you drop dead in your tracks for no apparent reason? Well, ''that's'' the reason. You got too far.

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:'''The Nerd:''' Ah, these bees! Go away! ''[Jekyll's cane attack kills a bee]'' What happened? I killed a bee? ''[Jekyll's cane attack kills another bee]'' '''''I KILLED SOMETHING!''''' The only thing you can kill in the whole game, and it's a ''little, tiny, stupid, '''FUCKIN' BEE!'''''

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:'''The Nerd''': When Robert Louis Stevenson wrote his story about a doctor who makes a potion that exposes his inner evil, he didn't realize that the potion would become a reality. Not in the form of chemistry, but through a late 20th century interactive electronic apparatus. Awful music, dreadful graphics, unspeakable gameplay, deceptive enemies, unavoidable hazards, useless weaponry, all mixed together and calculated just right. That is a ''horrible'' concoction!

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:''[Cut to a graveyard, the Nerd digs up a skeleton from Robert Louis Stevenson's grave. The Nerd chokes the skeleton, but the skeleton laughs in a monstrous voice, and begins to choke the Nerd in response. Intimidated, the Nerd throws the skeleton away.]''
:'''Skeleton''': ''[gives the Nerd the middle finger]'' Fuck you.
:''[The Nerd tries to hit the skeleton with the cane, but misses, and the skeleton chortles, completely unharmed]''
:'''Skeleton''': I am the devil! ''[laughs evilly]'' Now go play some Dr. Jekyll and Mr. '''''HYDE!!!!!'''''
:'''The Nerd''': No!
:'''Skeleton''': ''[bellows]'' '''''HYDE!!!!!!'''''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[softer]'' No...!

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:'''The Nerd:''' I think I get it. Why, it's the best game ever made. It's more than a game! It exposes the dual nature of the human spirit. The only way to win the game is to be Jekyll, but you wanna be Hyde so you can shoot shit! You see, it's a constant battle between good and evil, and Jekyll must stay farther along his path than Hyde. If Hyde gains the lead, then evil will triumph over good, and that's the true conflict of the human soul.
:'''The Nerd:''' And to deny the evil completely would only force it into the subconscious mind, like a city broken into different social classes: people don't wanna step outside their own boundaries, like Jekyll wandering into the wrong section of town, he's unwelcome. Nevertheless, he must abide by his own good nature.
:'''The Nerd:''' No wonder the cane doesn't work. The game does not reward you for acting upon your malevolent intentions. It's a proposed guideline for a set of morality rules to be programmed into real life. It uses the Victorian Era as a fundamental depiction of outward respectability and inward lust, it's a metaphor for social and geographical fragmentation. It alludes the Freud theory of repression in which unacceptable desires or impulses are excluded from the conscious mind and left to operate on their own in the ''un''conscious.
:'''The Nerd:''' Or, you could just say, '''''&quot;THE GAME FUCKIN' SUCKS.&quot;'''''

=== [[w:Lester the Unlikely|Lester the Unlikely]] ===
:'''AVGN''': (sighs) What's the point? It's all gonna be dust one day. [He decides to play Lester the Unlikely] ''[[w:Lester the Unlikely|Lester the Unlikely]].'' It's unlikely that this is gonna be a good game. (Inserts the game in and turns the Super Nintendo on as Lester yells like Tarzan.) Okay, title screen. Guy swinging on a vine. Like every other jungle adventure game. Then comes the story. You're Lester, a comic book geek who wanders onto a dock, and then... (Groans) OK, I have no faith in this character already if he's gonna go to sleep on a piece of cargo that's being loaded onto a ship. He becomes an involuntary stowaway, the ship's raided by pirates, and Lester swims to a nearby tropical island. That's where the game begins.

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:'''AVGN''': Half the time Lester does things against your own will. ''[Lester automatically runs away from a crab]'' I didn't do that! The game did! Have you ever had a game character disobey? ''[Lester runs away from a large turtle on the ground]'' Go near the godfuckingdamn turtle! Why does he keep running!? What's so threatening about a fucking turtle!? ''[Lester runs away from another turtle]'' Run, Lester, run! Get away from that turtle! That turtle might charge really fucking fast!

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:'''AVGN''': This is a penis-shaped piss stain on the face of gaming. I'd rather fuck the Wicked Witch of the West! I'd rather play a CD-i game! Yeah! Like ''The Flowers of Robert Mapplethorpe''. ''[plays it, but after a while of just looking at still images of flowers]'' ...No, I wouldn't.

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:'''AVGN''': Just let him die. Who wants to play as a weak, pathetic character like this? Wouldn't you rather be a tough guy? Isn't that the whole point of playing a game? To feel empowered? To be someone you're not? I mean, I get it - he's supposed to be a nerd. Well, this &quot;nerd&quot; makes me look like [[w:Charles Bronson|Charles Bronson]]! [[w:Steve Urkel|Steve Urkel]] could beat the fuck out of this guy! I think this whole thing was an experiment: To create the world's ''worst'' video game character.

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:'''AVGN''': No wonder why he didn't get his own sequels. I can imagine what Lester the Unlikely 2 would've been like. The game would start... and you couldn't even move! All that happens, Lester pulls down his pants, sucks his thumb, and takes a fuck. The third game, you couldn't even get past the title screen. All that happens, you push Start, and Lester falls down and farts. (he shrugs) The fourth game doesn't even work at all. You just put it in your Super Nintendo... (the Nerd puts the game into the SNES, turns it on, and the game explodes)... and it explodes. (disgusted) The fifth game isn't even a game at all: it's just a bag of shit that says Lester the Unlikely 5 on it. (the Nerd holds up the &quot;Lester the Unlikely&quot; 5 bag and fuck is dripping down to the floor. The Nerd holds his nose in revolt.) And there's a new one coming up on the PS4 using the latest state-of-the-art technology (the Nerd holds up the CD) of constructing the disc out of orangutan diarrhea. It just turned out that was the only way, and it really gives Blu-Ray a run for its money.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Fuck this game. (throws down the controller) And you know what? Fuck all games. I'm gonna watch some TV. ''(He turns on the TV and tries to change channels, but the TV is all static.)'' Man. TV nowadays sucks.

=== How The Nerd Stole Christmas ===
:'''AVGN''': ''[[w:Wall Street Kid|Wall Street Kid]]'' is a game about cash and stocks. Might as well fill my Christmas socks with trash and severed cat cocks!

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:'''AVGN''': ''[[w:Killing Time (video game)|Killing Time]]'' on [[w:3DO Interactive Multiplayer|3DO]] doesn't give you enough ammo! Your parents paying fifty bucks for a game where you shoot the fuck out of ducks really sucks! I'd rather eat deceased skunk yeast than play inferior arcade ports like ''[[w:Altered Beast|Altered Beast]]''. Altered Beast is a nut-kicking feast I can't stand in the least!

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:'''AVGN''': ''[[w:S.C.A.T.: Special Cybernetic Attack Team|S.C.A.T.]]'' stands for Special Cybernetic Attack Team, but &quot;the droppings of carnivorous mammals&quot; is what the word &quot;scat&quot; really means. It's as close as you can get to a Nintendo game called &quot;Shit&quot;.

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:'''AVGN''': We'll see how they like ''[[w:Circus Caper|Circus Caper]]'', it's as fun as inhaling Chewbacca's anal vapor!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
: '''AVGN''': ''[Playing [[w:Fist of the North Star (Nintendo Entertainment System)|''Fist of the North Star'']] on NES]'' Finding the right door is such a chore. C'mon, where do I go!? What a bore! Finally, when you do find the right door, how you go in? Wanna know the way? Not up, not down: By pressing Right, B, and A!!! How much were they drinking!? Why is it so stinking!? I'm staring unblinking, &quot;What were they thinking!?&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bear McCreary''': ''[singing to the tune of ''You're A Mean One, Mr. Grinch''].''
:''You're a mean one, Mr. Nerd.''
:''You really are a jerk!''
:''You're shameless as a shitmop,''
:''You got mischief in your smirk, Mr. Nerd.''
:''I wouldn't blame you when you're playing Atari Berzerk!''
:''You're a vile one, Mr. Nerd.''
:''You've got demons in your soul!''
:''You're wacky and you're wicked,''
:''Your crap is full of coal, Mr. Nerd.''

=== [[w:Day Dreamin' Davey|Day Dreamin' Davey]] ===
:'''AVGN''': Oh, no. Time to play a fucky game for the 98th fucking time. Day Dreamin' Davey. Should I even care who the hell Davey is? Oh no, it's HAL. Don't trust anything called HAL. Actually, the same company created Kirby, and developed Super Smash Bros. Maybe this won't be so bad then.
:'''Davey''': Awesome!
:'''AVGN''':  Oh, no. I just jinxed the whole thing. Well, as you probably guessed from the title, this is all about a kid who daydreams. Starts out, Davey's in school, and a bully steals his pencil. ...So he's gotta get the pencil back? Man, that's some epic storyline right there. So, Davey falls asleep in class and dreams he's in the Middle Ages. It's like your typical Zelda-esque adventure, but instead of trying to save a princess and save the lives of everyone in the land from evil forces, it's all about getting... a pencil.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Why does he care so much about a fucking pencil? Was he planning to take it home after school and shove it up his fuck or something?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Then you get a sword, but it's a dream, so when he wakes up it's a ruler he's holding. Why is he so excited about a ruler? Does he wanna measure his turds? Then the teacher says, &quot;What are you doing? You are going to see the principal for this.&quot; Um, for what? For measuring his turds in class?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': What's this? A hooker? She asks if I need some &quot;help&quot;? Really! There's a Nintendo game where a ''hooker'' tries to sell herself to a kid. ''Now'' this whole thing is worth it.

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:'''AVGN''': ''[after defeating the Medusa]'' Finally when you kill her, you grab her head off the ground. You know what would be really awesome? If Davey woke up here, and had the teacher's decapitated head in his hands. ''[appears an image of Davey happily holding the teacher's blood dripping head]'' Yeah.

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:'''AVGN''': ''[after Davey got a trophy in his dream, and he wakes up in front of the principal with the trophy actually in his possession]'' So Davey wakes up and the Principal's like, &quot;Where'd you get that trophy?&quot; So, now Davey's actually bringing back objects from his dreams? Does this make any sense? You know what would be cool? If Freddy Krueger came out and clawed his fucking face off!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Well, that's it! Basically, that's Day Dreamin' Davey. That's the whole game. Mediocre... That's what it is. So, until next time... Gotta dream... something... better...

=== [[w:Star Wars computer and video games|Star Wars]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': I have a bad feeling about this. We're gonna play a bunch of ''[[w:Star Wars computer and video games|Star Wars games]].''The movies were a prime target for video game adaptations. They were full of all kinds of action setpieces with battles taking place in space and on land, lightsaber duels, speederbike chases. They had lovable characters, great storylines, and a classic mythology that was bright for expanding upon in the world of gaming. So, how could they fuck that up? Let's find out. Our journey begins, innocently enough, with the Atari 2600. ''[plays Star Wars for the Atari 2600]'' This is the first Star Wars game, or at least the first Atari version based on the first movie. It follows the same format as the arcade version which came out before. It focuses on only one scene from the movie: the climactic rebel attack on the Death Star. It's unimpressive to say the least, but for the time, it was ambitious to try and create a 3D perspective. And besides, the Atari 2600 is well known for not being able to live up to the arcade standards of quality.

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[Playing the Japanese Famicom ''Star Wars'', the Nerd fights [[w:Darth Vader|Darth Vader]] inside the sandcrawler level, and is shocked when Vader transforms into a scorpion.]'' Did that happen in the movie? Did that happen in... any of the movies?! Did Darth Vader say to [[w:Luke Skywalker|Luke]], &quot;I am your father, and I am also, a ''fucking'' scorpion!&quot; No! It's not true! '''''THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!! WHY DOES DARTH VADER TURN INTO A FUCKING SCORPION?!''''' That doesn't even happen in the Special Editions! There is ''no'' version of ''Star Wars,'' in this universe or timeline, or any other (I'm...sure of it.) where Darth Vader turns into...''[Takes his glasses off, cleans them, rubs his eyes, and puts them back on]''...a ''fucking'' scorpion.

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:'''The Nerd''': It also happens to be one of those &quot;Where the fuck do I go?&quot; kind of games. If you haven't played the game before, you can spend hours searching for the right place. 

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:'''The Nerd''': OK, so I guess he's going into the Mos Eisley bar. That's the famous scene in the movie where Luke meets [[w:Han Solo|Han Solo]]. But one thing I didn't know was that they allow Landspeeders in the bar. What, does Luke just crash his way in? ''[a car-crashing sound effect and a Chewbacca roar are imposed on Luke riding the landspeeder straight into the bar]'' It's quite interesting, actually. In this version, Luke gets to the bar so fast, I bet Han and Greedo were still talking at, at the table, and you know, who shot first, Han or Greedo, whatever. But actually, neither one of them did! Luke kills Greedo with his Landspeeder. Right after Han says &quot;Over my dead body.&quot;, '''''BOOM!''''' All of a sudden, Luke comes through, crashing with the fucking Landspeeder!!! I wanna see ''that'' in the next Special Edition.

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:'''The Nerd''': The NES got [[w:Star Wars (1991 video game)|a different Star Wars game.]] ''[sees JVC logo]'' Hold on. No LJN? It's a movie based game, it's on Nintendo, and it wasn't made by LJN? Then it might have a chance.

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:'''The Nerd''': Man, the only way to beat an outrageously difficult game like this is to cheat! Like, I hear a lot of people use emulators or save-states. You know, that would be pretty handy, I guess, but you know what'd be better? How about just a button you press that makes the game beat? And that's why I invented the Beat-A-Game Button! Yeah! All you do, if you're playing a really hard game, you just push the button, and the game's beat! Let's try it out. ''[[w:Ninja Gaiden II: The Dark Sword of Chaos|Ninja Gaiden II]].'' Ooh, that's a hard game. Oh, man. Oh, shit. I'm getting my fuck kicked. ''[he gets an idea as he presses the Beat-A-Game Button then beats Ninja Gaiden II]'' ''[[w:The Legend of Zelda (video game)|Legend of Zelda]]!'' ''[presses the button and he beats said game]'' Beat it. ''[[w:Mega Man (video game)|Mega Man]]!'' ''[presses the button and he beats said game]'' Beat it. You'd never thought you could beat the game. Not without the Beat-A-Game Button! ''[stands up and walks to his NES library]'' All right, all you games. Consider your ass beat! ''[he holds the button in triumph while an 8-bit version of [[w:Music of Star Wars|The Imperial March]] plays as he wouldn't use the button to beat every single game]'' All right, back to ''Star Wars.''

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:'''The Nerd''': Of course we had to stop somewhere because there's a whole galaxy of ''Star Wars''-related games so this could've gone on and on. With ''Star Wars Rebel Assault, Dark Forces, Jedi Academy, Rogue Squadron, Battlefront, Star Wars Chess, Lego Star Wars, Star Wars Puzzle Blaster, Star Wars Pod Racer, [he then starts making them up as he goes along] Jar Jar Binks Bingo, Death Star Builder 3.0, Chewie Wookie Cookie Cooking, Stormtrooper Tennis, Jabba's Farts Unleashed,'' (That was a good one.) ''Wedge's Wedgie Attack, Fishing For Ackbars, Super Sith Shit-Toss Tournament Edition, Boba Fett's Name Game,'' (Find his name in the fuckin' movies.) ''Govenor Tarkin vs. Count Dookie--'' ''[a cutout buffalo walks past and defecates through the Nerd's window, breaking it and startling the Nerd.]'' '''''OH, MY GOD!!! OH, MY GOD! WHAT THE--?! THAT FUCKING BUFFALO JUST TOOK A FUCKING FUCK THROUGH MY FUCKING WINDOW!!! OH, MY FUCKING GOD, THERE'S FUCK AND FUCKING GLASS ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE! WHERE IN THE FUCK DID THAT FUCKING COME FROM?! OH, MY GOD!! NOW I GOTTA FUCKING CLEAN ALL THIS FUCK UP! WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?!'''''

=== [[w:R.O.B.|R.O.B. The Robot]] ===
:'''R.O.B.''': ''[robotic voice]'' I will play, I am R.O.B., Robotic Operating Buddy.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[intrigued]'' Okay, cool, a robot. Here ya go. ''[hands R.O.B. the controller]''
:'''R.O.B.''': ''[robotic voice]'' Error, does not compute, requires adaptive device.
:'''The Nerd''': It's a controller. You play it.
:'''R.O.B.''': ''[robotic voice]'' I do not have thumbs, you moron. 

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:'''R.O.B.''': ''[robotic voice]'' Must have gyros.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[annoyed]'' You want a fucking gyro now? ''[He goes into the kitchen, makes a gyro sandwich, and returns to R.O.B.]'' All right, here's your damn gyro.
:'''R.O.B.''': ''[robotic voice]'' You idiot. That is not a gyro.
:'''The Nerd''': I know, I tried - what, do you want me to go to fuckin' Greece?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' ''[angrily]'' You ready now, R.O.B.? You happy? You got enough ''shit'' to work with?!
:'''R.O.B''': ''[robotic voice]'' Affirmative.
:'''The Nerd''': &quot;Affirmative,&quot; your ''ass!'' Let's play. 

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:'''The Nerd''': Oh, no, no, no, no-- ''[Professor Hector dies]'' ''[growling]'' Fuck! Oh, here comes a Smick! ''[Professor Hector dies again]'' ''[exclaims]'' Fucking Smick's a dick!

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:'''The Nerd''': You're doing this, you cybernetic shit-sucker!

== Season Six ==

=== [[w:Steven Spielberg|Spielberg Games]] ===

:'''AVGN''': You wanna know a recipe for shit? Take a movie, put it on NES, n' you got yourself some shit. But let's go even more extreme. Let's take one of the best movies ever made, ''[[w:Jaws (film)|Jaws]]'', by one of the best directors, Steven Spielberg! And then, let's give it to ''the'' game company that has made more fucking shitty games than anybody else! You see that little rainbow, right there? LJN. ...Now we're talking shit. Ahh, LJN. What we're dealing with here is a shitty-game-making-machine. It's really a miracle of electronic evolution. All this machine does is joke, and cheat, and make shitty games, and that's all.

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:'''AVGN''': Jaws’ Power Meter goes down slower than the hairs grow on a moose’s scrotum.

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:'''AVGN''': We're gonna need a bigger ass... to shit out this fucking turd! ''[Removes the game from the Nintoaster]'' Never playing this game again. I would just throw it into the sea, but I hear that in 2015, there's an antique store opening up, in Hill Valley. They might take it. ''(Picks up a box)'' Well, right here, I got a box of games, based on movies by Steven Spielberg. Let's see what we got. ''(he pulls out E.T. the Extra Terrestrial for the Atari 2600. The Nerd gasps in horror, throws the box away, and the camera zooms in on the E.T. game)'' Ugh!

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:'''AVGN''': Super ''[[w:Schindler's List|Schindler's List]]'' 3D!? Nah, I'm just kiddin'. It's ''[[w:Jurassic Park (film)|Jurassic Park]]''.

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:'''AVGN''': It's one of those &quot;Where the fuck do I go?&quot; kind of games. You run around like an idiot collecting eggs. So, yes, it's like a big Easter egg hunt with Smokey Bear and dinosaurs. 

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:'''AVGN''': Looky looky, I got [[w:Hook|Hooky]].

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:'''AVGN''': It's amazing how many games in the NES library tried to be side-scrollers and failed. The weapon is puny, the controls suck, and it's nothing like the movie. It's a miserable experience that assaults your eyes and ears with ''horrible'' graphics and music. What about your nose? If it was possible, I'm sure the game cartridge would come with an air duct that pervades the room with the rancid odor of a skunk that's died up a horse's ass! Ugh! You know what kind of games I like? Good ones?

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:'''AVGN''': ''[Playing ''Jurassic Park: Interactive'' on the 3DO]'' Oh, look at this! You're a tiny microscopic speck flying around in circuit-chip land shooting three-and-a-half-inch floppy disks. What does this have to do with ''Jurassic Park''!? WHAT WERE THEY THINKING!? Wait a minute. What does it say on the floppy disks? &quot;'''Dump'''&quot;? It says &quot;Dump&quot;? How appropriate. This game is a bunch of anal dump.

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:'''AVGN''': ''Jurassic Park'' on 3DO is a complete mockery, man. Does it suck? You bet &quot;JUR ASS IC&quot; sucks! In the words of Ian Malcom, &quot;That is one big pile of shit.&quot; The problem with all these games is that the power to make them doesn't require any discipline. They took the movie, without any responsibility, they stood on the shoulders of Steven Spielberg and Michael Crichton to accomplish something as fast as they could, and before they even knew what they had, they patented it, they packaged it, they slapped it on a plastic game cartridge or CD, and (slaps) they sold it.

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:'''AVGN''': Now even though this says E.T. Go Come on the cover it is not the E.T. game. Oh no. Now I gotta make something perfectly clear. I play shitty games so that innocent gamers don't have to. But there's ''one'' game I ''never'' play. ''[picks up [[w:E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (video game)|E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial]] for the Atari, opens the box, shows a cartridge then throws it in disgust while the choir sings in background]'' Ugh! ''[looks away, then looks back just as the camera slowly zooms in on the game with texts appear saying &quot;To Be Continued in [[w:Angry Video Game Nerd: The Movie|Angry Video Game Nerd: The Movie]]&quot;]''

=== The Making of an Angry Video Game Nerd episode/[[w:Barbie (video game)|Barbie]] ===
:'''AVGN''': No degeneracy is low enough to satisfy the shit-seeking gamer who decides to play ''Barbie'' on NES. Whoo. We know that most games on NES are targeted towards young boys. So, here's one for the girls. As an adult male, why would I ''ever'' want to play this? Because I'm pathetic, and I'm asking for fuck!

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:'''AVGN''': So the game is actually her dream, in case you ever wanted to know what Barbie dreams about. She dreams about a nursery that's been overtaken by a poltergeist! Tennis rackets are hitting balls all over the place, there's clothing flying around, she has to fight the invisible woman, there's a puppy dog that's helping her attack evil stockings or something, Toucan Sam gives her a lift... I wonder if there's any psychological meaning behind these dreams. Barbie's really fucked up in the head. Even the craziest psychopaths on Earth don't dream this fuck!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The wallpaper's covered in roses, teddy bears, and baseballs. I guess you can say this game is balls to the wall. I can't help but notice how many balls are in the game. They're everywhere! Perhaps the meaning behind this is because she's obsessed with Ken's balls.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I just got my ass handed to me by a ''Barbie'' game. This game was made for little girls and I can't even get past the first few stages. Fuck this game! Fucking Barbie! Plastic pink mall-shopping, bimbo, ball-craving, bird-riding, ghost-fighting, fish-flopping, psycho-dreaming, HAIR BRAIN PIECE OF FUCK! Go to fuck!

=== [[w:Kid Kool|Kid Kool]] ===
:'''AVGN''': ''Kid Kool'' is a game that's so bad, you wouldn't want to go wipe your ass on it. Your worst fucking enemies don't deserve to play this accursed, foul piece of garbage! Satan doesn't even have any games in Fuck that are as wretched as this putrid shitload of fuck!

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:'''AVGN''': There's parts where you have to get over water and the only way to do this is to master the fragile art of skipping across on your butt. Think it looks easy? It's not.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''What'' is the deal with this? Did the programmers have any clue how to make a video game? You're not supposed to have the game stop in mid-jump to reorient the screen! That is so irritating! How are you supposed to make a jump when the screen keeps jolting up and down!? How are you supposed to stomp on enemies!? Look at this! ''Look at this!'' We'll call it &quot;air suspension fuck-lift&quot;.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''':  So that's ''Kid Kool'' for you. It seems to deliberately follow the guidelines for making an unholy disaster of a game. It has one-way bullshit, two-gear diarrhea, it's heavy on the jump-fuckness, with loads of topside aquatic ass, it has frequent air suspension shit-lifts, a ton of inviso-bitches, and some free-falling fuckballs for good measure. How did they make the game this bad!? It's clearly untested and rushed beyond belief. There couldn't have been that big a demand for ''Kid Kool''. What was the hurry? In order to do something good, it takes time.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I went through all that torture just to be given the middle-finger salute!? This is a perfect example of a game that's been ruined by control. Control! And that's the hardest part to explain because unless you've played the game, you don't really understand. I mean, maybe you've played other games with horrible control like ''Karate Champ'', or ''Dr. Claw's Dump n' Pump'', but those don't compare. Playing this is like trying to thread a needle while it's spinning on a record player. It's like trying to drive a car blindfolded. You would NOT want to try that, nor would you want to try this game! ''Kid Kool'' is not cool! ''[the Nerd blindly throws the game over his shoulder, and by chance it lands into a garbage bin, to his astonishment.]''

=== [[w:Nintendo World Championships|Nintendo World Championships]] ===
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:'''The Nerd''': ''[he excitedly holds the box of NES games]'' If this box contains what I think it does, then this will be the greatest moment in my career as a game collector. I bought this from an eBay auction. The seller gave a list of games included; mostly NES games that I own already. But there's one that caught my attention: ''[[w:Nintendo World Championships|Nintendo World Championships]]''. Under normal circumstances, this particular game would cost a fortune. The seller probably had no idea what they had, and that happens sometimes. They're trying to get rid of some old games at a flea market or a yard sale or something, and they don't realize that what they're selling happens to be one of the most rare NES games in existence. Nintendo World Championships was never sold in stores. It was a specially-made game cartridge used as part of a gaming competition. Remember the 1989 movie, The Wizard with the big game tournament? Well, this was a real-life version inspired by the movie. The competition was part of a big festival called Powerfest in 1990. It was divided into age groups. Each winner got a cash prize of $10,000, and took home other goodies. The finalists each got to keep their own copy of the game. But there was another version made in gold. The gold cartridges are even more rare. Only 26 were made, and given out as part of a random prize giveaway in Nintendo Power magazine. Also, the red label only existed in the promo pics. The actual games were all gold with a cheap logo glued on that's been cut out with scissors. The whereabouts of these games remain largely unknown. But, in recent years, many of them have show up in auctions, commanding huge prices. But there's still more out there. Um, there were other Nintendo contests like Campus Challenge, two of them, and the Super Nintendo Powerfest '94 competition. But Nintendo World Championships seems to be the most famous, and is considered the Holy Grail among NES collectors. Could I have one of these in my possession right now? Let's find out! ''[starts opening up box with excitedly]'' Oh, boy, I can't wait! It's, I wonder, it's probably the grey one. But who knows? It might even be the gold one! ''[anxiously opens box and digs through cartridges, and unveils game labeled &quot;NWC1990&quot;; Nerd is excited until the camera zooms in on the game's text &quot;Reproduction Cartridge&quot;, and the Nerd's joy slowly fades]'' This is a reproduction cart. Anybody can get these. Worth about $50. ''[he sighs, stands up, and walks to game shelves]'' Well, at least I can still say, &quot;I own Nintendo World Championships&quot;. ''[he places the reproduction cartridge into his game shelf]'' It's not the real thing. I'll never own a complete NES collection. Wait a minute. I know somebody who might own a real NWC. Yeah, somebody who's as obsessed with game collecting as I am, and when it comes to NES, he's even more crazy.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[on the phone with Pat the NES Punk, discussing the authentic copy of the game in Pat's possession]'' Tell you what, uh, if you come on over? I'll help, um, authenticate it for you. I'll give it the Nerd seal of approval.
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': The &quot;Nerd seal of approval&quot;? What is that? Like, you'll take a dump on it?
:'''The Nerd''': No, that would be the Nerd seal of disapproval. Come over, I'll take a look at it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[trying to convince Pat to give him the rarer gold NWC cart]'' The gold one's a piece of crap! I mean, you don't want that. I mean, you know how they made those! They just cut out the logo with cheap paper, and they glued it on! With glue!
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': Yeah! Elmer's glue!
:'''The Nerd''': Yeah-yeah, I bet Mr. Elmer himself glued it on from his own goat. ''[imitates goat bleating]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': ''[while getting ready to play NWC]'' Where's your Nintendo?
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, the Nintendo? Right there, the Nintoaster.
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': The what? Are you playing video games or making breakfast? I'm not turning these expensive games into a goddamn English muffin!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[while playing the ''Rad Racer'' portion of NWC]'' Just think, the NWC cartridges are so expensive, you could actually use that money and buy a real car!
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': Sure, you can buy a car, but it wouldn't be a racer as rad as this.
:'''The Nerd''': Alright, So I finished ''Rad Racer.'' Now I'm up to ''Tetris?''
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': Final game, Nerd. All right, you're on a time limit, and to maximize your score, you gotta get the four-line Tetrises. W-Wait. Why am I helping you? You think you deserve these games? You changed your name from the Angry ''Nintendo'' Nerd to the ''Video Game'' Nerd! I'm the NES Punk, I deserve these games!
:'''The Nerd''': I know a lot of people who own ''Tetris.'' And they actually have the whole game!
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': That's it, that's your score. I'm going to annihilate it. ''[takes the NES controller from The Nerd]'' Thank you very much. ''[gets 50 coins on [[w:Super Mario Bros.|Super Mario Bros.]]]'' Okay, I just beat you on ''Super Mario Bros.'' Now, it's ''Rad Racer'' time.
:'''The Nerd''': Look at that. Well, you got two more games!
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': Yeah, I know I do. I can count!
:'''The Nerd''': Well, just think. We're playing on a reproduction cart, but if we were playing one of those other ones, it would be the same thing. So, what's the point? Just to play on an overly priced game cartridge?
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': What's the point? The point is, those games are part of Nintendo and video game history! There are part of our culture! Those games represent the point where Nintendo dominated our, our society! ''[car in &quot;Rad Racer&quot; crashes]'' Oh-- ah! ''[[w:Tetris|Tetris]]'' is next. I'm not gonna let you taunt me outta this one, I'm gonna win!
:'''The Nerd''': No, I'm serious. This game is a piece of shit.
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': Come on, Pat. Come on. Yeah! Triple-Line score! ''[pants]'' Double-Line score! I'm gonna win. ''[The Nerd gets the hammer from the drawer]'' The games are mine!
:'''The Nerd''': ''Nintendo World Championships'' is poop on a pedestal. It's an over-glorified holy shit-grail! Fuck it to hell, fuck it to high heaven, purgatory, and all existence!
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yes! Yes! I won! I won! ''[The Nerd whacks the two cartridges as he grunts angrily and smashes them into pieces as Pat looks at the broken pieces of NWC cartridges then The Nerd removes the reproduction cartridge.]''
:'''The Nerd''': Here you go. You can have this one. ''[Pat the NES Punk takes it for a moment, and then it slips out of his hands in his own disbelief. Pat the NES Punk then starts laughing, and The Nerd starts laughing as well.]'' Oh, man. ''[laughs then gets attacked by Pat the NES Punk]''

=== [[w:Dark Castle|Dark Castle]] ===

:'''AVGN:''' This is gonna get scary. Okay, I play a lot of 8-bit shit; you know, NES. Why is there so many crappy games on NES? I mean - you know, they have lots of great, classic games as well. But its precious library was being used by all these half-ass game companies as a dumping ground for all their foul shit.

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:'''AVGN:''' ''[Talking about the title screen in the Genesis version of Dark Castle]'' What the hell is this? A ghost giving a castle a blow job?

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:'''AVGN:''' ''[Upon starting the game and noticing the first room]'' This one says &quot;BK&quot;. What the hell does BK stand for? Burger King? I hope! If I go in there and I get served hamburgers, that would be the tits!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN:''' ''[In the game's dungeon]'' Oh, that's neat. Graffiti on the walls. &quot;Gamers rule&quot; and *what?* &quot;Saddam was here&quot;? As in Saddam Hussein? What was he doin' goin' around writing on castle walls? And &quot;Gamers rule&quot;? That's the same handwriting. Hmm, so Saddam was a really hardcore gamer? Wow.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN:''' ''[Talking about the music]'' After you listen to the music for a half hour, you get tired of it. Fortunately, you have the option to turn the music off, but you have to do it at the right time, or else, it sustains it. ''[The nerd turns off the music at the wrong time and a loud genesis sound is played]'' '''Isn't that the fuckest thing you've ever heard?!! Didn't anybody test this shit out?!!'''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN:''' ''[on the game's attacking controls]'' Why couldn’t this just operate like any normal game? Whoever came up with this idea is nuttier than squirrel poop.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN:''' As you notice, you can duck, it's done by pressing Down and B. But it only ducks for like a second. To stay ducking, you have to press ''up'' and B. Yup, pressing Up to duck is ''pretty fucked up''!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN:''' On top of everything, it’s one of those maze-like, mindfuck games, where you never know where to go. Can I go here? Nope. Can I go there? Nope. What about here? Nope. Three spots on the same screen, all dead ends. Well, if it’s a dead end, WHY CAN'T THEY MAKE IT LOOK LIKE A DEAD END?! PUT A WALL THERE OR SOMETHING! WHY DOES IT HAVE TO LOOK LIKE A WIDE OPEN PASSAGEWAY?!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN:''' I happen to find a key, but I can’t figure out what it does. I tried every spot I can think of, but this key is as useless as boobs on a bull. Anything you do, you're fucked! Try this, you're fucked. Try that, you're fucked. You're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN:''' ''This'' is beyond any doubt, the ''worst'' Sega Genesis game I have ''ever'' played. There’s gotta be something I’m doing wrong. Let me see; maybe it’s on a really high difficulty setting - yeah, let me see what I can do here. Umm… EASY!? It was on easy!? That’s their idea of fucking easy!? Are they out of their minds!? Alright, let’s flick that shit-switch and crank up that diarrhea-dial; I got Dark Castle on C! D! '''''IIIIIIIIIII!!!''''' ''[roaring while flames engulf the room]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN:''' I can barely even fucking move! The control is ''impossible''! You ''can’t'' control it. You have more control over the weather than you do in the character in this game!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN:''' The Genesis version was bad, but this one fucks you harder than life itself! It’s like mixing shit with turds! It’s the most heinously anus thing ever conceived by humankind! It’s a curse to the soul, and it must suffer the tortures of the damned!

=== Bible Games III ===

:'''AVGN:''' In the beginning, the game company called Wisdom Tree began producing unlicensed games for the NES. Wisdom Tree said, &quot;Let there be shit.&quot; And there was shit. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about: Bible games, like Bible Buffet, where you're blowing off a snowman's head (which has nothing to do with the Bible), Super Noah's Ark 3D, where you're slingshottin' pissed off animals, Sunday Funday, where you're killing random people on your way to church, and all those ridiculous CD-i games.
:'''Child's voice:''' Yippie! Yippie! Whoops! Yippie!
:'''AVGN:''' I've already talked about these games in my previous Bible Games episodes. So what's the point of going on? Because Part 3 is never as good. But, you know, there's a few more bible games left, so I might as well finish what I started.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN:''' ''[playing a Hangman-style game in ''King James Bible'' on Game Boy]'' Alright, what's the word? &quot;'''Goodliest'''&quot;? Who the fuck uses a word like that? &quot;'''Blessedness'''&quot;? Of course. They're all ancient words that nobody says anymore in common speech. Well, that's all there is to that. I marvel at this game's shitliness.

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:'''AVGN:''' The other thing you can do is search for words in the Bible. For example, we can search, I dunno, how about the word &quot;Ass&quot;? [many results appear] Okay, I had no idea there'd be this many results. &quot;'''Then they rent their clothes and laded every man his ass'''&quot;, &quot;'''loose his ox or his ass'''&quot;, &quot;'''whose ass have I taken?'''&quot;, &quot;'''deliver unto his neighbour an ass'''&quot;, &quot;'''Which of you shall have an ass'''&quot;, &quot;'''he had found a young ass'''&quot;, &quot;'''the dumb ass'''&quot; - [laughs] it says &quot;dumb ass&quot; in the Bible - &quot;'''saddled his ass'''&quot;, &quot;'''opened his sack to give his ass'''&quot;, &quot;'''the lion had not eaten the carcase, nor torn the ass'''&quot;, &quot;'''riding upon his ass'''&quot;? ''[chuckles]'' Oh, I'm going to Hell.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN:''' ''[playing the Genesis version of ''Bible Adventures'']'' Man, Noah has some balls to be rescuing snakes. Indiana Jones wouldn't do that. No, he thinks Noah is a snake-saving shit-sucker. Pee-wee Herman once saved snakes, but he fainted. That's right, in order of manliness, Indiana Jones, then Pee-wee, and then fucking Noah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN:''' The monkeys, I hate them. They're so fucking hard to catch! I'm gonna get ya, you stupid monkey. Yeah! Whatever it takes fuckface. You're slime... you're filth... I'm gonna rip you apart.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN:''' The graphics are dull. There's so much brown. The Ark is brown, the trees are brown. Why's everything gotta be the color of shit? It might as well be shit. Yeah! Those trees in the background are like logs of shit coming out of God's ass. It's HOLY shit.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Well, that's Bible Adventures, that takes care of all the Bible games on Genesis. I could end things now, but I really don't want there to ever be a Bible Games 4, so there's one little bit of unfinished business: an NES game called King of Kings. I already reviewed this as part of my first Bible Games episode. It has 3 games in it. Jesus and the Temple, which is that Mario 2 (Super Mario Bros. 2) ripoff where you're hopping across logs. Then there's The Wise Men, where you're travelling to Baby Jesus. That means it's the only Christmas game. Isn't that the whole reason I did this in December? Why did I do all these other Bible games? I guess when it comes to bad games, I go above and beyond.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN:''' ''[replaying ''Flight To Egypt'']'' Every pixel in this game is a sin. First of all, I don't get the title. &quot;''Flight to Egypt''&quot;? You're not flying, you're riding on a donkey, or an ass, if you prefer. What airline is this? &quot;Ass Express&quot;? ...And yes, I know the word &quot;Flight&quot; doesn't necessarily mean aviation, but, hey, it's a fucking joke. Your only attack is this embarrassing, dinky little kick which can't harm anything, unless it's right up in your ass. Or I should say, your ass's ass, not your ass that's sitting upon the ass.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN:''' And... that's it? Did anything else happen? Did the angel say anything? Did the sight of the angel make Joseph sick in his stomach? Did the donkey stalk them in their sleep? What happened? I assumed that I pressed the button by mistake and actually cancelled out the rest of the ending, but no, I've actually beaten the game multiple times just to try and solve this mystery and the same thing happens! It just stays on this screen until you press something, and then it returns you to the main menu. But I'm aware that the last screen is supposed to be playing text that says &quot;Give your heart to Jesus,&quot; but I'm not seeing it so I'm assuming that I'm supposed to beat all 3 games to see the true ending, and I'm not going through all that trouble, although I will give my heart to Jesus. (The Nerd physically rips out his heart and holds it out.) OH JESUS!

== Season Seven ==

=== [[w:Arnold Schwarzenegger|Schwarzenegger Games]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' I'm back. And so is [[w:Arnold Schwarzenegger|Arnold Schwarzenegger]] in [[w:The Expendables 2|The Expendables 2]] I can't wait to see that! In the 80's and 90's, nobody kicked as much ass and coined as many catchphrases as he did. And now that he's comin' back to do a little more acting, I think it's an appropriate time... to look at some NES games based on his movies. NES, a console so influential in the side-scrolling action genre. Now pair that with one of the biggest action movie stars, and... you have a match made in heaven. How could you go wrong? (nervously gives a dorky smile) Uh, I don't know. (Chuckles) Uh, Take this game for example: ''[[w:Total Recall|Total Recall]]''. I remember my first time playing it as a kid. It was a Friday night, my homework was all done, my mom took me to the video store, I rented this game, I took it home, man, I played it, and it just '''FUCKIN' ''PISSED ME OFF,''''' ''[gritted teeth]'' '''''AND RUINED MY WHOLE GODDAMN WEEKEND!'''''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': I've already talked about the ''Terminator'' games and they suffered the same fate. The first Terminator had some of the worst controls in existence. The only way to fire the gun is to crouch into this gun mode and jumping around requires extreme accuracy. The second game was a monotonous button masher where enemies take a thousand punches. And there were platforms you can't jump on, like some kind of prank!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing &quot;Last Action Hero&quot; on NES]'' It uses cutscenes with images taken from the movie, but they look like garbage. The contrast is so intense you can't even tell what you're looking at. What is this? A dead fish? A porcupine's back? Oh, it's the top of some guy's head. Damn, it looks like the NES just vomited all over your TV screen. How does it look this bad? I know this is only 8-bit, but I've seen much better. Even with ''Total Recall!'' Arnold's face on the title screen actually looks like him. Hell, even the ''E.T.'' game on Atari 2600 actually looks like E.T. On the title screen at least, but, God, ''[stutters]'' I can't talk about that game.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[after playing &quot;Conan&quot; on NES]'' Who'd wanna play it anyway? I'd rather have a Sasquatch sit its ass on my face and shoot diarrhea down my throat! I'm dead fucking serious. What a shitload of fuck. What were they thinking? ''[he drinks Rolling Rock]'' And you know what the worst part about it is? I don't think it's really supposed to be based off the ''Conan the Barbarian'' movie. Just the character. So it's not really a Schwarzenegger game, and I just wasted my fucking time.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': All right, one last game, one last chance for the Schwarzenegger NES library to redeem itself: ''[[w:Predator (film)|Predator]].'' How could this be bad? It's fucking Predator. You look at the cover and think &quot;Yeah! This game's gonna be awesome!&quot; This is a real man's game. This game will turn you into a sexual tyrannosaur. Like me. ''[puts the game in the Nintoaster as the screen shows the game that Arnold wears pink]'' Is he wearing pink? Why'd they put him in pink? Did they see the movie? He doesn't wear pink in the movie. That's not an appropriate army color. I don't know. Maybe he's in pink to stand out from the dull graphics. The graphics are as ugly and dirty as this game's mom. This game sucks so bad the enemy soldiers commit suicide. In addition to the enemy soldiers, you must also face scorpions which you can stand on and they take you for a ride. But only the green scorpions. What, you thought you could ride on a red scorpion? What are you, crazy?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': This is another one of those games where the music doesn't stop when you pause. Even worse, if you press any button while paused other than &quot;Start&quot;, you will self-destruct. This ''can'' be handy, if you find yourself stuck somewhere, due to faulty game design. Like, here. I'm stuck in the damn rocks. So, rather than working out the bugs, they decided to include a suicide button. This is dangerous, because whenever the game's paused, you have to be careful not to hit the wrong button. Don't pause it, and then, pass it to your buddy whose thumb accidentally touches the &quot;A&quot; or &quot;B&quot; button, and kills off your last life fast than you can say &quot;Oops!&quot;. Another major inconvenience is that every time you die, you have to make sure to pick &quot;Continue&quot;. If you pick &quot;Start&quot;, your game is forever lost, and you have to go all the way back to the beginning. And sooner or later, when you keep playing this long enough...you're gonna make a mistake. It doesn't help that they put the cursor ''on'' &quot;Start&quot; by default. And you can't select by pressing the D-Pad. You have to use the &quot;Select&quot; button, which is right next to the &quot;Start&quot; button, increasing your risk of fucking it up. ''That'' is some sadistic bullshit.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' This game blows ass, sucks duck cunt, fucking shit munchin' bunch of pile of... poop.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' ''[gets killed]'' '''''Fuck!''''' All right, c'mon. C'mon, c'mon c'mon. ''[he accidentally selects &quot;Start&quot; instead of &quot;Continue&quot;, and is shocked]'' Oops. ''I hit Start?'' ''I hit Start... '''I gotta go all the way back to the beginning.''''' ''[The Nerd shakes his controller and screams in rage]''  '''''AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!! FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-- SHIIIIIIIIIIT!!''''' ''[chokes himself with the controller]'' '''''FUUUUUUCK!! DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN!! AAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSS! YOUR MOTHER! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!''''' ''[drinks Rolling Rock]'' That's it. I'm seein' red. I'm gonna beat this fucker '''''right now!'''''

&lt;hr width='50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Oh, my God, I'm so fuckin' mad I could take a chainsaw to a fuckin' baby's neck right now! I could kick a baby pony! Out of my way, I'm gonna fuck you up. Fuckin' game, I'm gonna fuckin' kill it! [grunts] Your mother! Your father! Your uncle! Your uncle! ''[growls]'' Yeah! Yeah, I'm at the final boss! And-- And it's a... big Predator head that looks like Casey Jones from the ''Ninja Turtles.''
:'''The Nerd:''' C'mon, fu-fu-fu-fu-fu-fuck-- shit! ''[grunts]'' Shoot the bastard, come on! You stop shootin' that shit at me, I'm gonna fuckin' kill you! I'm gonna fuckin' kill you! See, I'm not playin' around. I'm not '''''FUCKIN' AROUND HERE!''''' ''[growls]'' '''''I'M NOT...FUCKIN' AROUND!'''''
:''[eventually defeats the first phase of the boss]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Ooh, the mask is off now. ''Now'' it's serious. Now it's fuckin'... ''[grunts]'' ...fuckin' fuck time! Oh, my God, I gotta fuckin' win before I have a heart attack!
:''[defeats the boss]''
:'''The Nerd:''' ''[shocked and happy]'' I did it! I did it, I won! I beat ''Predator!'' Oh, man. Ooh, boy. ''[exhales and reads text]'' &quot;Congratulations. You have survived.&quot; ''[deep sigh]'' Barely! ''[throws the NES controller.]''

=== [[w:Ghosts 'n Goblins|Ghosts 'n Goblins]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': Happy Halloween. And guess what I have here? I was doing an autograph signing not too long ago, and one of my fans hands me this piece of paper. It's a petition to review ''[[w:Ghosts 'n Goblins|Ghosts 'n Goblins]].'' Yeah, he went through the line and got everybody to sign it. Now, what's there to say about ''Ghosts 'n Goblins?'' Well, it's not a bad game. It's made by Capcom so how could it? But, it's one of the most difficult games in the NES library. This game is harder than fossilized triceratops turds! I'm talking Mega Man combined with Castlevania, that kind of hard. Games this ruthless and unforgiving should be illegal. And I never got a petition to review any other game. That's a true testament to the game's legacy and the internal frustration that scarred us all since childhood. I remember my first time playing it: I got it for my birthday, the same day I got my NES.
:'''Young James''': You wanna play ''Ghosts 'n Goblins?''
:'''Young April''': Yeah, I do!
:'''Young James''': Look!
:'''Young April''': I do!
:'''The Nerd''': Of course I had the ''Super Mario Bros./Duck Hunt'' combo cartridge, but the first game I attempted was ''Ghosts 'n Goblins.'' That's right, this is the first NES game I ever played. And that's one Hell of a game to start with.
:'''Young April''': Go on, shoot 'em, shoot 'em!
:'''Young James''': I don't know how!
:'''The Nerd''': Naturally, I got my ass kicked. This is what it would've looked like my first time playin' the game. I sucked balls. This new console was way different than the Atari 2600 I was accustomed to. In the 80's, these were the kind of brutal-ass games that kicked us into shape and heightened our senses. Made us into fuckin' tigers. And now, 25 years later, I'm gonna put my gaming skills to the ultimate test, and see if I can finally beat this fucker. Because, it's Halloween. There's no excuse. I can feel in the air. The time is right to play some Ghosts 'n Goblins.
:''[The Nerd inserts the game and thunder claps and lightning flashes]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': It begins with one of the most shocking intros in video game history: A couple just got done having sex in a cemetery. I'm not even kidding! What else does it look like? He's not even wearing clothes! Next thing, Satan shows up as if saying &quot;Yeah, I want to get in on some of that!&quot; and takes her away. That's the plot. Is that the greatest opening to an NES game or what?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[after getting killed by Satan]'' And now you're stuck with that shitty shield. Don't even try. You can't kill the Unicorn with the shield. It doesn't work. If someone else wants to try it, go ahead. You need the knife. So now, you gotta go ghostbusting. Kill those fucking ghosts until one of them drops a knife. Again, it's at pure random. So, expect to run the timer out a few times. And by this point, those annoying squeals the ghosts make will nearly drive you to break the fucking TV screen. ''[ghosts make squealing noises and the Nerd mimics it]'' '''''OH, SHUT UP!!!'''''
:'''The Nerd''': Finally, when you get the knife back, you can try the level again. ''[The Nerd is fighting Satan]'' C'mon, c'mon, c'mon! I'm gonna do it! ''[dies and exclaims with frustration]'' '''''FUCK!''''' ''[to the Jack O' Lantern]'' '''WHAT'RE ''YOU'' LAUGHIN' AT?!'''
:'''The Nerd''': You know that feeling you get when you ''almost'' beat the level, and you want another shot right away? You have that adrenaline going, and you want to start again immediately? Well, you can't. You gotta go wait for the fucking knife to come back. So, you'll never get two tries in a row. You know what? I'm sick of it! I've been playing this fucking game since the 80's. I gotta beat it! I need closure on this. I need to end this chapter on my life. This chapter of...not beating Ghosts 'N Goblins. ''[he barely beats two Satans as he gasps in joy]'' I did it! I beat two Satans! In my underwear!
:'''The Nerd''': Final boss: The Devil! Notice how I'm walking backwards. So, it's now in one-on-one fighting mode. Kinda like a certain other Capcom game. ''[gets hit and exclaims]'' Come on! My mother throws bigger fireballs than that.
:''[The Nerd defeats the Devil and is shocked but relieved]''
:'''The Nerd''': You know what? I don't try to be cocky or anything but... '''''who's the man?''''' I just beat one of the hardest games of all time! I bet you didn't think I could really do it, but [[w:Dawn of the Dead (1978 film)|I got this, man. '''''I GOT THIS BY THE ASS!''''']] ''[notices text on the screen]'' &quot;This room is an illusion and is a trap devisut by Satan. Go ahead dauntlessly! Make rapid progres!&quot;? ''[starts again from the beginning of the game and is horrified and speechless]''
:'''The Nerd''': You have to beat the game twice? ''[chuckles sarcastically]'' You have to beat the game twice in a row. That's just great because this time I'm ''[angrily]'' '''''TWICE AS FUCKING PISSED OFF!!''''' Beat the game twice. I'll show you twice. After all that hard work, who would want to do that shit again? It's like building a house and when you're finished, you tear it down just to build it one more time. &quot;Oh, yeah, we could've made 12 stages, but instead, let's just make six and make people have to play the game twice.&quot;
:'''The Nerd''': All right. I'm gonna get the good ending this time. It better be good, whatever it is. It better be something awesome for goin' through the game twice. All right. '''''All right!''''' ''[beats the game again]'' '''''YEAH! I did it!''''' ''[reads the ending screen]'' &quot;Contraturation. This story is happy end. Thank you. Being the wise and courageour knight that you are you feel strongth welling in your body. Return to starting point. Challenge again!&quot;?
:''[The Nerd is angrily speechless, and rage builds up inside him, and tries yelling &quot;Fuck!&quot;, but can't.]''
:'''The Nerd''':  Curse! Curse, Goddamn it! ''[grunts]'' I used up all my &quot;Fuck&quot; points during the last 107 episodes. ''[sighs]'' I don't have anything new. I gotta rely on the old tricks.
:''[The Nerd starts fighting the Ghosts 'N Goblins cartridge Final-Fantasy style]''
:'''The Nerd''': All right. Let's try the cluster F-Bombs. Fuck this fucking piece of shit fucking shit fucker game!
:''[Ghosts 'n Goblins attacks the Nerd]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[grunts]'' Uh, gotta go for the Precision F-Strike. ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, how this game lures you in with its appealing gameplay, and charming atmosphere, and then ''[angrily]'' '''BENDS YOU OVER AND ''FUCKS'' YOU TO HELL!!'''
:''[Ghosts 'n Goblins attacks with diarrhea blast]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[exclaims]'' All right, how about some Wordplay? Alliteration. Feast on some fried fuck-farts! Assonance. What's up, you dumb fuck-tuple mother-humpin' muppet-fucker's uncle?! Uh, Rhymes! Suck on this muck, you run amuck fucked-up, uh, mandarin duck.
:''[The Nerd misses and Ghosts 'n Goblins attacks with blizzard of balls]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[groans]'' Alright, when all else fails, it's time for the Atomic F-Bomb!
:''[The Nerd roars and the 8-bit word flies toward the screen]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[roars]'' '''''FUCK!!!!'''''
:''[Loud explosion kills Ghosts 'n Goblins]''

=== Atari Sports ===
:'''The Nerd''': Most of the video games I talk about are... action games, sidescrollers, games that are in the realms of fantasy. But, there's a huge, huge following for games based on sports. And I get a lot of requests for that, and I'm not really a big fan. Because, I don't know, I-I guess I like fantasy games more because it's something that you couldn't do in real life, whereas a sports game you ''could'' go outside and play sports. It's possible. Not for me, 'cause, I don't know anything about sports; I'm a fuckin' nerd.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Football; Don't even get me started. And I'm not talking about the kind of football where they actually ''use'' their foot. I mean the kind where they slam into each other, like a bunch of barbarians! ''[he pounds his fist into his hand as he grunts]'' What I don't understand is why everything is always &quot;bowl&quot;. What, like a toilet bowl? Okay, I know at least what the Super Bowl is. It's the most anticipated football game in the season. And with so much testosterone and high energy going around, why is the halftime show always some pussy pop group? '''''GET METALLICA IN THERE OR SOMETHING,''''' it doesn't make any sense!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Alright. Back to football video games. ''Madden, Madden, Madden.'' ''Madden '91! Madden '92, Madden '93, Madden '94, Madden '95, Madden '96, Madden '97, Madden '98, Madden '99, Madden 2000, Madden 2001, Madden 2002, Madden 2003--'' '''''Who the fuck is John Madden anyway?!''''' He doesn't even look like an athlete! What is it with football? Everywhere you go, football! Go there, football! Football, football, football. Like, what the fuck? Sunday Football, Monday Night Football, Thursday Night Football, Football on Thanksgiving, Football on Christmas, and out of all sports, it's the one everyone goes fuckin' ape-shit over! '''''Makes them act like fuckin' maniacs!''''' ''[screams and crushes Rolling Rock can with his head]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[sighs in relief]'' Man. I gotta calm down. All right. If I'm gonna play some sports games, I gotta start with the Atari 2600. Yeah! This is when sports games were fucking sports games. Look at these titles; Baseball, Basketball, Football, not this ''Madden'' shit.  Just plain-ass, normal, everyday, no question about it, no NFL, no year, not named after a player, not named after a coach, not named after the referee's pet goldfish, no quarterback, dime-back, [[w:Nickelback|Nickelback]], simple, ordinary, un-embellished, unmistakable, crystal clear, as frank as Frankenstein, as blunt as an atom '''''BOMB,''''' one compound word, ''it's motherfuckin', goddamn, sons-of-bitchin', fuck, fuck, fuckin' '''FOOTBALL!''''' ''[growls and slams the cartridge into Atari 2600]'' And it's one of the worst games I've ever played in my life. Are these football players, or are they stormtroopers? Are they wearing helmets, or are these microwaves on their heads? Is it Team White vs. Team Naked? Is that a crowd noise, or is it the sounds of the ocean? Is that the entire field? Yeah, it is. And it's surrounded by... water, it looks like. Yeah, it's like an island. It's Football Island. ''[chuckles]'' In other words, Hell. I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna make it... Yeah. yeah...! ''[scores a touchdown]'' '''''TOUCHDOWN!''''' ''[screams then tackles the camera]''

=== [[w:Ikari Warriors|Ikari Warriors]] ===
:'''AVGN''': Here's another game I've had a personal grudge with since I was a kid. ''[[w:Ikari Warriors|Ikari Warriors]]'' on NES. Let's pop this fucker in and I'll show you how it goes. Two guys, tugging at their crotches, march up to the title, fire their guns around at nothing, and then you pick one or two players. Well, I'm not getting anybody to play this shit with me. So, I'm going solo like usual.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': An average game of ''Ikari Warriors'' lasts about five minutes. But you're in luck, there's a code. A-B-B-A. It brings you back to life. ''[dies]'' Oop. I'm dead again. A-B-B-A. ''[dies again]'' ABBA. Get used to that, you're going to be doing that a lot. ''[dies a third time]'' A-B-B-A.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''' ''[commenting on the slow nature of the gameplay]'': It's not horrible, it's just tedious as fuck and with one player, this is gonna take all night. I need a second player.
:''[The Nerd looks over to the end of the couch, behind which is the skeleton of Kyle Justin, complete with his fedora and a guitar. He nods to the camera, then gets up and walks over to the skeleton.]''
:'''AVGN''': A-B-B-A.
:''[Kyle slowly comes back to his human life form. Once he does, he sees The Nerd and groans in disgust.]''
:'''Kyle Justin''': [groans] I guess somebody needs a favor.
:'''AVGN''': Yeah. I need your help, to beat a game.
:'''Kyle Justin''': Let me-- let me guess. A shitty game?
:'''AVGN''': Yeah, a shitty game. ''Ikari Warriors''.
:'''Kyle Justin''': Yeah, I know that game.
:'''AVGN''': Oh yeah?
:'''Kyle Justin''': Yeah, I know what you could do with that game too.
:'''AVGN''': Uh huh.
:'''Kyle Justin''': Yeah, yeah. You take the game, and you take your ass cheeks as well, and you just open them up really wide, and you grease up the game and just shove it up your ass! I'm not helping you. Besides, you never play my theme song anymore.
:'''AVGN''': Yeah, the theme song. And I thought people were getting tired of that.
:'''Kyle Justin''': You thought wrong.
:'''AVGN''': Yeah, ''[to camera]'' I know. Alright, so if we do the theme song, will you play the game with me?
:'''Kyle Justin''': Fine.
:'''AVGN''': Alright. Let's do this. Play the song. 
:''[Kyle cracks his knuckles.]''
:'''Kyle Justin''' ''(playing scales on his guitar and singing)'': Do-mi-so-mi-do...
:'''AVGN''': Play the song. ''[Kyle clears his throat]'' Play the fucking song! ''[Kyle moistens his lips while getting spittle on the Nerd, then sings the theme song as the Nerd pantomimes frustration]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Okay, ''Ikari Warriors''. You know what &quot;Ikari&quot; means?
:'''Kyle Justin''': What?
:'''AVGN''': Anger.
:'''Kyle Justin''': Do you know what &quot;Warrior&quot; means?
:'''AVGN''': &quot;Warrior&quot;? No.
:'''Kyle Justin''': Brave soldier or fighter?
:'''AVGN''': Brave soldier or fighter.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Kyle Justin''': So who is this guy? Rambo?
:'''AVGN''': Well, if that's Rambo, who's the other guy?
:'''Kyle Justin''': Arnold Schwarzenegger?
:'''AVGN''': Which movie?
:'''Kyle Justin''': ''[[w:Commando (film)|Commando]]''.
:'''AVGN''': That'd be a fucking awesome movie! John Matrix and John Rambo, together at last! Of course it'd be &quot;Rambo and Commando'&quot;. Say that three times fast.
:'''AVGN and Kyle Justin''': Rambo Commando Rambo Commando Rambo Commando!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''(Just after entering Level 2, The Nerd and Kyle come up to a point where Kyle's character has become stuck inside a rock.)''
:'''AVGN''': You're not stuck. Stop fooling around. Get outta there.
:'''Kyle Justin''': I'm trying!
:'''AVGN''':...you're really stuck. ''(Begins lobbing grenades toward the rock)''
:'''Kyle Justin''': Just kill me.
:'''AVGN''': I'm...I'm trying!
:'''Kyle Justin''': No, kill me for real.
:'''AVGN''': Wait, wait, just wait for one of these missiles to come. ''(The enemy missile hits the rock and obliterates Kyle's character.)'' Alright. We're back in business now. ''(The Nerd then sees what happens next and gets a look of shock on his face; Kyle's character still cannot move)'' Oh, shit, you respawned inside ''another'' rock!
:'''Kyle Justin''': I've had it with this fucking game! I'm gonna blow my fucking brains out! 
:''(He picks up a Zapper, puts it to his head, and pulls the trigger. He flashes on screen four times, then disappears.)''
:'''AVGN''': ''(turns to where Kyle was sitting)'' A-B-B-A!
:''(This time, Kyle comes back to life with part of his body stuck behind the couch.)''
:'''Kyle Justin''': Aw fuck!
:'''AVGN''': You're right. Having two players doesn't help much.
:'''Kyle Justin''': Get me outta this couch, you damn Nintendo dork!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Yeah, made it to Level 3. And ''finally'' it looks different! But the music's still the same. Anyway, it looks ''so'' different it's like you stepped out of the jungle and into ''[[w:The Twilight Zone (franchise)|The Twilight Zone]]''. Look at all the white chocolate bars and scrotum guns.
:'''Kyle Justin''': ''[singing]'' White chocolate bars and scrotum guns. ''[stops singing]'' Wait, I don't remember the episode with the scrotum guns, but [[w:Nightmare at 20,000 Feet|the one with the gremlin on the wing]] was pretty good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Kyle Justin''': ''[singing]'' It's the game of life.&lt;br&gt;A, B, B, A.&lt;br&gt;It will bring you back today if you want it to.
:''[The Nerd has died again and is frantically trying to punch the code in.]''
:'''AVGN''': A-B-B-A! A-B-B-A! Fuck!
:'''Kyle Justin''': ''[singing]'' It will save you today...
:'''AVGN''': It didn't save me now!
:'''Kyle Justin''': ''[singing]'' and bring you back to life...
:'''AVGN''': Apparently near the end of Level 3, A-B-B-A stops working.
:'''Kyle Justin''': ...didn't save him today...
:'''AVGN''': Okay, so here's what we're gonna do. First, we're gonna use Game Genie to get infinite lives. ''[puts the NES Game Genie with the cartridge attached into the Nintoaster]'' Then we're gonna use a stage select code; that way we can go back to Level 3 and continue our fucking game. You can find the code in the classic book ''[[w:Jeff Rovin|How to Win at Nintendo]]''. Nowcheck out this code: &quot;right before the title screen, press: up, down, A, A, B, left, right, A ,B, up, A, down, right, right, left, B, up, left, A, right, B, left, right, A, left, up, A, down, A, right, left, B, select.&quot; ''[pauses incredulously]'' '''WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!?! Why's the code have to be so fucking long?''' And according to this you have to punch in the code before the titlescreen comes up!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': (after he tries to enter the code) So, I'm faster than greased lightning now. I can pull off the whole code before the title screen comes up, but turns out the book was wrong. To ''really'' find how to do the code you check out the VHS tape, &quot;Secret Video Game Tricks, Codes, and Strategies&quot;. Yeah, I used to rent this fucker from the video store all the time. But anyway, the real way to do the code is ''during'' the title screen, not ''before'' it. Let's try again. (enters the code during the title screen)
:'''Kyle Justin''':  ''(singing)'' Up, down, A, A, B, left, right, A, B, up, A, down, right, right, left, B, up, left, A, right, B, left, right, A, left, up, A, down, A, right, left, B and start.
:'''AVGN''': So here we are, back in level 3.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Anyway, the last stage is as hard as fuck. I hate these guys that swim under water. You cant shoot them when they're submerged, and they're too fast to outrun. What are these, human beings or fucking torpedoes?
:'''Kyle Justin''': ''(singing)'' Throw milk at them, just try it, might work.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Now let's see how bad this ending sucks.
:'''Kyle Justin''': ''[singing to the tune of the AVGN theme song]''
:'''You have accomplished'''
:'''the mission.'''
:'''You are the very prevailer'''
:'''that protect right'''
:'''and justice.'''
:'''I would express my sincere.'''
:'''Thanks to you.'''
:'''Take good rest!'''
:'''General Kawasaki'''
:'''AVGN''': Get back behind the couch.
:'''Kyle Justin''': ''[still singing]'' He's the Angry Video Game Nerd.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''Kyle Justin's &quot;Scrotum Guns&quot; song, version 1''
:'''We might be past the scrotum guns&lt;br&gt;But I haven't forgot them&lt;br&gt;'Cause they are so hairless&lt;br&gt;Where did their hair go?&lt;br&gt;Ooh, where did their hair go?&lt;br&gt;Where did their hair gooo?&lt;br&gt;Where did their hair go?'''

=== [[w:Toxic Crusaders (video game)|Toxic Crusaders]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Why's there always gotta be bats?!
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': Bats, th-these aren't bats, Nerd, these are cats with wings! When-when I was a teenager at Tijuana, I-I had some pussy with wings. ''[AVGN smiles and snickers before covering his face with his hands]'' And-and-and th-that's what it's all about, man! ''[AVGN laughs offscreen]''
:'''AVGN''': Yeah. How do you like this? World 2-4, World 2-5, and we're still going. And it's a portable console! You can beat Super Mario Land at a time--
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': ''[Interrupts the Nerd]'' Wh-What are you talking about?! You want something to, uh, take a long time to beat?! Would take me a long time to beat off to Justin Beiber, man! And uh...
:'''AVGN''': ''[nods in agreement]'' Takes a long time.
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': Long! My penis is pretty damn long right now! ''[AVGN snickers offscreen]'' And I'm... I'm not even flaccid.
:'''AVGN''': Look at all the &quot;Z&quot;s on the fence. That's exactly how I feel when I play this game. ''[Lloyd Kaufman yawns as he falls asleep with the controller in his mouth]'' ...Like going to sleep. ''[AVGN glances at him and nods]'' Alright, alright, okay, okay, okay, okay!
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': ''[suddenly wakes up and hallucinates]'' Ah, where am I?! ''[whimpers as he twiddles with the SNES controller]''
:'''AVGN''': Alright.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Well, as you can see, you can tell it's another beat 'em up game. So what do you think of that chopper? Why's it have so many colors?
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': Well, uh, the chopper is made out of a tie, man. And it's tie dye. That's why it is those many colors. ''[AVGN shakes his head before he and Lloyd Kaufman struggle over the controller]'' Give me that! Give me that! I want that!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': What 'bout the music? Couldn't they have something more upbeat and action-packed? ''[volume of background music from Toxic Crusaders for Sega Gensis increases]''
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': I love it. I love it. I...It makes me want to strip, Nerd. ''[actually removes his coat along the music while AVGN quickly glances and shakes his head]'' I wanna take my clothes off.
:'''AVGN''': Okay, okay, okay!
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': Ah, I love this music.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&gt;
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': ''[having such difficulty playing]'' Fuck! Jumpin' Jesus on a... fuckin' pogo stick! Fuck! Dick! Quack! Weewee! Doodle! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuhh!
:'''AVGN''': And that's what happens when we go from the movie, to the show, to the game - it's like putting a golden egg on a mountain of shit, and then you roll it down and it gets shittier and shittier and shittier. By the time it gets to the bottom, it ain't the same. ''(to Lloyd)'' And look; that's your name on it! That's your name on this game!
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': I spit on my name! ''[makes spitting noises]''
:'''AVGN''': What you created that's great got transformed into a mutated anomaly that'd make the Pope weep. They made a mockery of your shit, man! What're you gonna do about it?!
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': What am I gonna do about it, what am I gonna do about it?! I'm gonna shit on this, I'm gonna take a huge dump, here I go, and I had baked beans for dinner! (removes the cartridge from the Nintoaster, and puts it on the floor) You want shit, you shitty fuckin' game?! Well, here it comes, here it comes! ''(drops his pants and lets loose shit as the Nerd watches in horror)'' You shitty shit game, how'd ya like that?!
:'''AVGN''': UGH, IT'S NASTY, OH, GOD, OH! ''[his stomach rumbles and he pukes on the pile of shit as Lloyd laughs insanely]''
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': Ah. That'll teach you, you fuckin' game.

=== [[w:Bill &amp; Ted's Excellent Video Game Adventure|Bill &amp; Ted's Excellent Video Game Adventure]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': What happens when you take an 80s comedy film like ''[[w:Bill &amp; Ted's Excellent Adventure|Bill &amp; Ted's Excellent Adventure]],'' and turn it into an NES game? Two guys are struggling to pass their history course, so they go back in time in a phone booth to get the aid of famous historical figures. It's dumb, but it's great entertainment, and a video game adaptation seemed like a good idea. It had fun characters, time travel, and adventure. So how could you fuck it up? You wanna know? ''[Metal rock music plays as the Nerd reveals the LJN logo.]'' ''That's'' how.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Who are these &quot;time rebels,&quot; and why do they want to do this? Well, guess what. They're never referred to again. Yeah, they're just for your imagination. ''[a thought bubble with the time rebels appear]''
:'''Blue-Haired Rebel''': Man, wouldn't it be funny if we put Thomas Edison in Ancient Egypt? ''[chuckles]''
:'''Green-Haired Rebel''': How about Galileo in the Jurassic period? ''[they both chuckle]'' We're assholes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So where is Rembrandt? You can explore this whole land, but you won't find him anywhere. That's because you need to lure him out, with bait. What is he, a fucking fish? The bait can be any random object. There's four of them hidden on each stage; one of them will make Rembrandt appear in one of the random houses. How do you find this bait? You wanna know? Guess what? By jumping into things! ''[the Nerd jumps into a tree, and falls]'' This game treats you like an idiot. Like, &quot;Hey kids, you wanna play a Bill &amp; Ted game? Well, here you go! Go jumping around into fucking bushes and fences! That'll keep you busy! Have fun!&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Fuck the townspeople, fuck not knowing where to go, I'm gonna get the power. Nintendo Power! ''[searches for a Nintendo Power magazine as he jumps and falls]'' Wasn't there. ''[jumps and falls again then finds a Nintendo Power magazine]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': The correct item is supposed to be something that would belong to this historical figure, and here is where the game could've been somewhat educational. But instead, it's a joke. For example, for Julius Caesar, you're supposed to give him salad dressing. ''[fake laugh]'' For Thomas Edison, you're supposed to give him a compact disc. Yeah. Let's not change history, by the way. For Cleopatra, a credit card. For Elvis, a gravestone. Here you go, Elvis! Here's your fucking gravestone! You're gonna die! For King Arthur, the Holy Grail. Yeah. Entire stories have been written about finding the Holy Grail; you're going to find it by casually slamming into a bush or fence. Just a little side quest. For Jesse James, an Uzi. You're going to give Jesse James a fucking Uzi? You're going to give a notorious outlaw a more contemporary weapon! Yeah, just help him out! Might as well give, I don't know, Vlad Tepes an atom bomb? Anyway, I give Rembrandt the Paint Roller, and he says, &quot;Let's party.&quot; That's exactly what he'd say. He also mentions that he'll pay for the call. &quot;Of course, here's some coins for your phone booth time machine from the future.&quot; And now, we have to go through the damn time circuits again. ''[a phone booth time machine runs into a pink skull, and The Nerd runs out of coins]'' My coins ran out. Didn't that motherfucker say he was gonna pay? ''[stage restarts]'' Aw, great! I have to roam around this fucking stage again, looking for coins? I've had enough.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': I'm losing my faith in the NES library. Was there ''any quality control here,'' you know, that-that, um, seal of quality, did that mean ''anything?!'' Did anyone look at these games before they dumped them in the back of every KB's and Toys &quot;Я&quot; Us?! How many of these games are worthless?! '''''All the LJN ones, I can tell you that,''''' but there ''are'' good games here, ''there are!'' ''Zelda,'' ''Mario,'' ''Metroid,'' ''Contra,'' ''Castlevania,'' ''Mega Man,'' '''''but then, A BIG FUCKIN' SHITSTORM HIT IT! A SHITSTORM OF HORRIBLE GAMES! And at the middle of it all, a rainbow! A rainbow of shit! LJN! And Bill and Ted...might even be...THE WORST LJN GAME ON THE NES!''''' It doesn't just have some &quot;flaws,&quot; there's no good and bad. This game is ''all bad.'' Like, I'm impressed! How did they do it? How did they make it so bad? Bad doesn't even describe it! It's disgraceful! It's ''putrid!'' In fact, I even looked up the word &quot;putrid&quot; in the dictionary. There's no definition. '''It's just a picture of ''Bill and Ted'' on NES!''' Curse this fucking game! Curse the plastic that encases this dung heap! Literally, it's a plastic shell '''''filled with shit! IT'S FUCKIN' SHIT!''''' ''It's... it's ass, it's garbage...'' And that's it, good night.
:''[walks off screen for 2 seconds, before coming back]''
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, wait, I forgot to mention as a matter of fact, it also sucks monkey fuck, and it's a worthless pitiful pile of ''snot-dripping, pus-bubbling, '''wet, steaming mountain of buffalo butt dump,''''' and mere descriptions can't even describe the '''''inane lack of common sense''''' that even a ''child'' would possess when making a game with chalk on a sidewalk. I can't even come up with a description that's foul and '''''disgusting''''' enough to even come ''close'' to this rancid abomination. Can't describe it. I'm done; For real this time.
:''[walks offscreen for 7 seconds, and returns]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[yells]'' '''''THIS GAME IS DIARRHEA COMING OUT OF AN OLD WOMAN'S BLEEDING VAGINA! IT'S FUCKIN' TERRIBLE! WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!''''' ''[angrily]'' I know; They ''weren't'' thinking.

=== [[w:Tiger Electronics|Tiger Electronic Games]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': Tiger, on the other hand, continued well into the 90s. In fact, I remember these things being more common in the 90s than ever. They kept pouring obsolete games into stores, and we were still buying them. They wouldn't die off! They were like cockroaches! By giving people a cheap alternative, they managed to coexist with the Game Boy. Yeah, this Tiger definitely rose up to the challenge of its rival, had the guts, got the glory, went the distance, now it's not going to stop! It's literally a Survivor!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Tiger games were so outdated they were never ''in''-dated! They were a fad, like Pogs! If they were an experiment in the 70's and they only made a few of them, then I could accept that. But no, they milked these things for all that they're worth! You thought LJN was the grand champion, the almighty shitty game factory? Tiger put LJN to shame! Sure, LJN laid down turd after turd after turd, but Tiger was like a machine gun ass shitting out turdturdturdturdturdturdturdturdturdturdturd! These are the worst games I've had the honor of playing, if you can even count them as video games! People have discussions like &quot;Are video games art?&quot; or something like that. Well, I have a better one: are Tiger games video games? These are a caveman's version of video games! These were a step back in human evolution! These are the most desperate attempt at entertainment! You could save up for a Game Boy, or just go ''[mimics playing a game with the sound effects]''. Yeah, well ''[mimics game sounds to motions of jerking off and flipping the bird]''! Just what the hell? How did they waste so much plastic to make these things?! It brought the game industry down as low as it could go! It's proof that Jesus died in vain and legally changed his middle name to Fucking! The only thing I could think of to use these things for is to wipe your ass with it! You might as well save that toilet paper! It's worth a whole lot more! ''[he drinks Rolling Rock]'' But I'm not done, am I? Oh, no. I've actually gotten into this point. It's time to talk about the wrist games. ''[he holds up a Tiger wrist game and groans disgustedly]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Now check this out: Batman Returns, the wrist game. Oh, boy... (The Nerd tries to open it) Wait, I can't get it open. Good. God, I hate this shit! You know... You know what's bullshit?
:''[The Bullshit Man appears as &quot;You Know What's Bullshit&quot; theme song plays and the Nerd looks in shock]''
:'''The Bullshit Man:''' '''YOU KNOW WHAT'S''' '''''BUUUUUUUUULLSHIT?!''''' ''[gives the Nerd a pair of scissors]'' Packaging that you need scissors to open! Even with the scissors, it's still a pain in the ass. Why's this plastic so fucking strong? This stuff is bulletproof. Nobody wants this shit, so why do they do it? They use it on everything! This kind of packaging should be outlawed! Why does it still exist? I especially &quot;love&quot; when you buy scissors and you need scissors to open the scissors. What fucking idiots think this is a good idea? They don't care. By the time you're having this problem, you already bought it. Packaging like this is bullshit. ''[leaves]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Thanks, Bullshit Man. ''[looks at the Tiger wrist game and sighs]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing the Batman Returns wrist game]'' Wow, look at how badass this game is. Yeah, this is the hot shit right here. You'd be so cool going around wearing this thing. Yeah, you'd be walking around school with this thing on, and everybody else is talking about what the new hot video game system is going to be. ''[scoffs]'' Nintendo 64? The Bit Wars? ''[chuckles]'' 64 bits. 32 bits. 16 bits. 8 bits. 4 bits! 2 bits! 1 BIT! HALF-BIT! QUARTER-BIT! ''[shouts hysterically]'' '''THE WRIST GAME!!!''' And you thought that was it for Tiger, huh? Handheld games, wrist games, Tiger ''(computerized voice)'' Pokémon Walkie Talkies?! Yeah! That's not enough? Well, how about '''a whole fucking Tiger game console?!''' In 1997, this was Tiger's belated answer to the Game Boy. You'd think it was called the Game-Dot-Com, but it's actually the Game.com.
:'''Game.com bootup voice''': GAME.COM ACTIVE.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': So, that's the Game.com. Needless to say, it flopped, especially with Nintendo dominating the portable gaming market. So, hey, why not just follow whatever Nintendo's doing? That mentality is what brought us what I think, so far, is the worst video game console I have ever played: the R-Zone. This is basically a shitty version of the Virtual Boy. Yes, I said that, as if the Virtual Boy wasn't shitty enough. Just look at it! What planet did this thing come from?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Just when you thought the most sorry, pathetic excuse for a video game was the Tiger wrist games, oh no. ''[points to wrist game]'' Imagine playing one of these, up close to your eye in red-and-black. ''[shot of the gameplay from the R-Zone's ''[[w:Batman Forever|Batman Forever]]'' game]'' '''GOOD LORD!''' You thought I was kidding. But it's true. This actually happened. Unlike the Virtual Boy, which causes eyestrain and headaches within minutes, this thing does it immediately!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I love how the advertisements always show a kid playing it. Look at his expression. He's horrified, and in the commercial, the kid's screaming in agony!
:'''Rodger Parsons (Pokémon Narrator):''' You better not blink.
:'''Kid''': ''[screams]''
:'''Rodger Parsons (Pokémon Narrator):''' Indy 500 roars into the R-Zone!

=== [[w:Alien 3|Alien 3]] ===

:'''AVGN''': It's the Halloween season again, and I can't miss the occasion to celebrate by torturing myself with another assanine game! Alien³ on NES, based on the movie. The first movie, Alien, was like a slasher film set in outer space; the second movie, Aliens, brought the action genre into the mix and gave it a wider mass appeal. It made a huge impact on not only film, but video games. The concept of shooting down hostile aliens, fighting for survival, was perfect for video game adaptations. It's no wonder why so many games like Contra and Metroid were influenced by the Alien movies' art style and their feelings of solitude, confinement and claustrophobia. Can you even count how many games blatantly ripped these movies off? The first two Alien movies were masterpieces, but the one we got on NES was the bastard sequel, the unholy 3 that had mixed reactions: some people like it, some people don't. It's not a terrible movie, but it's not great either. But, you know, I'm not gonna get all into right now. Monster Madness. So let's take a look at the game. Is this good enough for Halloween? I mean Alien³ is a horror movie. Is this scary enough? (He notices the LJN logo on the cartridge. The lights dim to a flickering red as the film's signature Nostromo self-destruct sirens blare.) Okay, now it just got fuckin' scary!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Quality ass? QUALITY ASS? That sums up the whole thing. There is no quality assurance with this shitload of fuck. This game is as much fun as a witch's cunt. It's a shame that there was never a good Alien game on NES. Oh, wait. Actually, I take it back. There were some good Alien games on NES. They're called Contra and Metroid! Yeah. You know, it's not the worst LJN game, I have to say, nor is it even that bad of an NES game. It's playable, as much as the movie is watchable. Huh. Maybe that's what they were going for. In that sense, they got it right. It may not be a pile of goat puke-smothered buffalo diarrhea, it's just a pile of goat puke; hold the buffalo diarrhea. I don't even know if buffaloes get diarrhea. But it pains me to know that there's still more LJN games out there, and I just can't take it. I can't fuckin' take it anymore! (He leaves. Cut to the ending scene where he jumps off the platform and falls into the lava pits below. He cries out in agony as the Cinemassacre logo bursts through his chest.)

=== AVGN Games ===
:'''The Nerd:''' You know, there's been many games based on the ''Angry Video Game Nerd.'' Which is me. Yeah. All these years, while I've been busy playing shitty games, people have been making games about myself. There's been so many games about me, I can't even keep up. Unlike the majority of games I've ripped apart, these ones were made by independent game developers, usually single-handedly, all by themselves, and hopefully they will have growing careers and aspire to make better games than a whole company of Laughin' Jokin' Numbnuts ever could. ''[referring to LJN.]'' Another thing that makes these games different from the games I usually play, is that I have to play them on a computer. ''[The Nerd looks at the Commodore 64.]'' Hmm. ''[shrugs his shoulders.]'' Well, anyway, the first AVGN game I'm gonna look at is: ''The Angry Video Game'' by Eric Ruth. This was the first AVGN game that ever came to my attention back in 2008. You might be wondering: what took me so long to get around to it? Well, the answer is simple: That's how long it took to load it on my Commodore 64!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''8-Bit Nerd:''' ''[a tombstone appears where the 8-Bit Nerd died, with only the word '''&quot;FUCK&quot;''' on it.]'' I'm dead! Fuck!
:'''The Nerd:''' Is that going to be my epitaph? ''[camera zooms in on tombstone]'' '''''&quot;FUCK&quot;?''''' 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' The weapon is the worst thing of all. The beers fly in an arc, so, you have to get in the right spot to calculate the trajectory, and everything blocks your aim. Fuck, fuck! I can't hit this fuckin' fish! '''''Fuck! Dah!''''' These beers are like the rock in ''Friday the 13th,'' and I already told you how bad that is. ''[his eyes widen in horror, as he looks at the screen]'' Oh, no. Is that why the game was designed this way? All the random enemies and all those things, it's because those are the kind of things I complained about. '''''This game is all my fault.''''' ''[groans in disgust]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' It takes a lot of extra effort to put a game on a real cartridge, so how could you resist ''AVGN vs. Dr. Wily'' by ABOhiccups? 
:''[the screen scrolls up along a skyscraper, exactly the same as in Mega Man 2's opening.]''
:'''The Nerd''': It's gonna be me, isn't it? It's gonna be me. ''[a sprite of The Nerd is on the top of the skyscraper, instead of Mega Man.]'' Yeah, that's me!
:'''The Nerd''': So basically, it's ''Mega Man 2,'' but instead of Mega Man, it's me. I'm in ''Mega Man 2,'' one of the best games ever made, and I'm ''in'' it! If I could've foreseen that as a kid, I would have shit my pants. The other difference is that the levels are redesigned to be way harder than the original game.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': After the tutorial, you get a selection of stages. Clearly, it's the largest AVGN game yet. I'm using an Xbox controller, and the controls feel 100% fluent. There is no doubt about it: this is a legitimate sidescroller; proving that the genre is still alive and strong. We don't even need to go back to the past, we're still in the past. And why is the music so ''fuckin' awesome?''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': The death screen always generates a random quote, saves me the work of trying to come up with something. Let's try ''Dungeons &amp; Dickholes.'' ''[in-game Nerd descends a ladder, and the next screen scrolls down to reveal an impossible death trap, shocking The Nerd]'' '''''Now''''' this is going too far. When I came up with this idea during my Super Pitfall episode, I didn't know somebody would actually create this exaggerated death trap. I can't even blame anyone but myself. ''I'' came up with this! What was I ''thinking?!''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': And at the heart of it all, the final boss, my arch-nemesis. It's, '''''it's'''''...Fred Fuchs. ''[spelled &quot;Fred Fucks&quot; in-game.]'' It's the programmer, motherfucking Fred Fuchs. Finally, I get to kick his ass! Yeah, fuck you, Fred Fuchs! ''[growls]'' '''''FUCKS YOU, FRED FUCH!''''' ''[screams, and beats Fred Fuchs as he grunts]'' Got 'im! ''[in-game Nerd's text says, &quot;Oh shit, Game Land is falling apart!!&quot;]''
:'''The Nerd''': Whew! I feel like I played every bad game I ever played, all at once. And now others are playing it, because of me! It's like I shared all my horrible experiences. It's all my fault! '''''FUCK THIS GAME!'''''
:''[he Nerd imagines the many ways he's destroyed previous game cartridges. He moves in to strangle the Commodore 64, but stops once he realizes he can't destroy the game like that. Instead, the Nerd types a delete command and deletes the game once and for all, with a heavy, satisfying mash of the Enter key as the Commodore's screen reads: '''*FILE DELETED*.''']''
:'''The Nerd''': Take '''''that,''''' game.

=== AVGN Wish List (Part 1) ===

:'''AVGN''': ''(on Where's Waldo)'' It's as if the pages of the book have been chewed up, digested, and shat out an 8-bit ass! How can you find Waldo in ''this?!'' WHERE THE FUCK ''IS'' WALDO?! ''He'' doesn't even know where he is!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%:&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(after he plays the NES version of Where's Waldo)'' Imagine buying this piece of shit for 50 bucks. Nowadays, releasing a game this short would never be excusable. Well, anyway, we have a lot more games to get through, so stay tuned for Part 2. I'm gonna go get the games. ''[he walks around in different directions like Waldo in the cutscenes]''

=== AVGN Wish List (Part 2) ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''The Three Stooges.'' This has always been a huge request. I've dreaded this moment for a long time. ''[powers on the game, which displays the title screen for Ghostbusters II]'' What? ''Ghostbusters II?''
:''[The Three Stooges walk onto the title screen, and stop in front of the Ghostbusters logo]''
:'''Curly''': Hey, fellas. We're in the wrong game.
:'''Larry''': Hey, this looks like a kid's game.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[smiling]'' Now, ''that's'' funny.
:'''Moe''': You imbeciles!
:'''The Nerd''': I've always been a big fan of ''The Three Stooges,'' but the game's charm ends right after the title screen.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': [reviews ''[[w:Home Improvement: Power Tool Pursuit!|Home Improvement]]''] How do you take a family sitcom and turn it into a video game? Well, the plot starts out with Tim &quot;The Toolman&quot; Taylor on the set of his show, Tool Time. Remember the show within the show? So, his tools go missing, and he has to go onto the sets of other shows to find them.
:'''The Nerd''': I'd give this game a better chance if I could read the instructions. The instructions might help, right? Yeah, guess what, there is none. Technically not. The manual opens up to a fake sticker printed over the pages that says &quot;'''REAL MEN DON'T NEED INSTRUCTIONS'''&quot;! Very funny.

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing [[w:Pit-Fighter|Pit Fighter]] on SNES]'' As a kid, I never made it past the second guy. Even as a rental, it only made for about fifteen minutes of play-ability, if that, before ya turn it off and take it back to the video store. And I know it ''has'' to give you your health back at some point, but I've just made it to the fourth opponent, and still, they don't give you any health back. ''This is the worst Super NES game I've ever played!'' Worse than [[w:Super 3D Noah's Ark|Super Noah's Ark 3D]], worse than [[w:Shaq-Fu|Shaq-Fu]], worse than [[w:The Wizard of Oz (1993 video game)|Wizard of Oz]], worse than [[w:Lester the Unlikely|Lester the Unlikely]]! I am dead fucking serious! Even B-mode [[w:Double Dragon|Double Dragon]] was better than this, and that was on NES. Sure, it gets monotonous, and awkward at times, and you can only play as the same characters fighting themselves, but, it has much more fluid control and is ''way'' more fun than Pit Fighter.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[after he plays [[w:Bubsy 3D|Bubsy 3D: Furbitten Planet]] for the PlayStation]'' Most of the games I own are junk. I'm hoarding junk! '''''I SURROUNDED MYSELF WITH FUCKING GARBAGE!''''' ''[sighs]'' All right, one more game, and then it's Happy Holidays and good fucking night. Let's end with ''[[w:Spider-Man and Venom: Maximum Carnage|Spider-Man: Maximum Carnage]],'' on Super Nintendo. Everyone says I should play this one, as if I haven't already played ''enough'' Spider-Man games. They're all '''''terrible!''''' But, maybe this one's okay. After all, I'm not sure how I missed it, because it's one of the only Super NES games that's red. Anyway, let's give it a try.
:'''The Nerd''': Well, the comic book cutscenes are, quite nice. The gameplay? Well, it's a beat-em-up game. Monotonous, but fun. The controls are responsive, and the hit detection works fine. The sound effects are good, the punches and grunts you hear all lend themselves to the fun, stress-relieving nature of these kind of games. It just feels good when you hit things. You can climb up on buildings, which offers some variety and breaks up the monotony. It can be a little frustrating, but not too bad. And the music is upbeat and energizing.
:'''The Nerd''': And what do I hear? ''[&quot;The Mob Rules&quot; by Black Sabbath plays]'' It's ''The Mob Rules,'' by Black Sabbath! I don't mean it just sounds similar, it's the '''''same song,''''' just a 16-bit rendition. It even does the solo! ''[16-bit rendition of Black Sabbath's &quot;The Mob Rules&quot; solo playing]'' I think it was just a rip-off, and that they never got Black Sabbath's permission, but it's still welcome to hear and adds to this games' enjoy-ability.
:'''The Nerd''': That's right. I found a good Spider-Man game. Better late than never. It's no masterpiece or anything like that, but it would have definitely been worth a rental at the very least. Who made this game?
:''[The Nerd turns over the box, revealing that is was published by...'''LJN!''' The Nerd's eyes widen in shock, and he drops the box in happiness realizing that LJN pulled through and published a decent game for once!]''
:''[&quot;White Storm Dam&quot; plays]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[in shock and happiness]'' My God. Oh, my God. '''''THEY DID IT... THEY PULLED THROUGH!'' OH, MY ''GOD!'' THEY MADE A GAME... ''THAT'S NOT A STEAMING PILE OF FUCKIN' SHIT!'' OH, MY ''GOD!'' THEY DID IT! THEY MADE A GAME THAT'S NOT SHIT!''' I found a gold, at the end of the rainbow-- Oh, maybe it's not gold, maybe it's bronze or somethin', but... '''''THEY MADE A GAME THAT'S NOT SHIT! IT'S NOOOT SHIIIIIT!'''''

== Season Eight ==
=== [[w:Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing|Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing]] ===
:'''AVGN''': This time, we're not gonna go too far back into the past. Only to 2003 with a PC game called ''[[w:Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing|Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing]]''. I usually stick to consoles, and I ''don't'' usually do games from the current millennium, but this is a huge request. I've been told countless times that it's one of the worst, if not ''the worst game'' ever made, but I'm sure that's an exaggeration. It just looks like a generic mediocre racing game with trucks. And it's from the new millennium, well after the pioneering days of gaming, after the ETs and Jekyll and Hydes, after the advent of quality control, so how bad could it be? Let's find out. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''[upon first experiencing the games lack of collision detection and physics]'' Soooo...what are the complaints here? This is ''awesome!''
:'''AVGN:''' &quot;Big Rigs: Over The Road Racing&quot;. &quot;Over the road&quot; is right! It's my way or the highway, and the highway ain't got shit. Oh my god...

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I'm not trying to find glitches! It just so happens that the ''whole game'' is a glitch! Look at this picture here; the hill turned into nothing, the tail lights are flying off the truck and this bridge is hovering over thin air! The support beams are ''so'' close to touching the ground, but don't. ''(His truck is pushed up through a bridge and he sees his opponent standing still)'' The fuck was that? Oh, by the way, that's the computer opponent who's still at the start line. Never moved. I'm literally running circles around him. Y'know, I kinda forgot I was in a race here. That ''is'' the purpose of the game. It doesn't matter which stage you're playing. The opponent always stalls at the start line and never moves an inch. You can spend the whole time driving through buildings, over mountains, and under bridges, and still win the race. What kind of challenge is that? Have you ever heard of a video game where you can't lose? How did the programmers ''forget to make the trucks move?'' Let's see if I can merge the trucks into one. (He tries to line his truck up with the opponent) Here we go. Eh, eh... ''(He succeeds)'' Yeah! That's some fine work. ''(He drives off and makes a whoosh sound)'' 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': This is the most unstable game I've ever played in my life. And would you believe, that the copy I own is ''a more recent'' version of the game? Yeah. The version that most people have played is commonly found on the internet, and is even ''less'' functional! In this version, one of the stages doesn't even work. If you try to pick this stage, it crashes the whole game. Not that it's any loss. It looks the same as any other stage. The truck you're racing against doesn't do anything different. It still sits there, waits for you to lap it and cross the finish line. Here we go. ''(He crosses the finish line, and the game text reads: &quot;YOU'RE WINNER!&quot; He looks at it in shock and snorts, and begins snickering.)'' Oh, no. No. ''(laughing uneasily)'' Oh, no! No! ''(continues laughing)'' &quot;You're Winner&quot; is the kind of stuff that turns horrible games into legend. It's the cherry on top the diarrhea shake. It's already been a popular internet meme for many years, but in the packaged version of the game that I own, it's been corrected to &quot;You win.&quot; Disappointing, I know.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': But there's at least one other version of this game, a newer one - version 3 as far as my knowledge goes - but anyway this one has a major advancement. ''Really'' big. Check this out; the other truck moves. Wow. No fuck. It's like we're actually having a race here. I'm gonna let him win just to see what happens. I hope it says &quot;You're a lose&quot; or something like that. Here we go. ''[Crosses the finish line, &quot;You win&quot; screen pops up. The Nerd looks in confusion]'' What happened?! How did I win?! Apparently, the other truck driver just decided to stop a little short. In other words; you can't lose! Why did they bother to release a new version if they didn't even fix the most basic thing?! But hey, the truck moves! So maybe this improvement pushes the game into the... pre-alpha stage. At best!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': These monumental blunders distract from all the regular flaws which would already be enough to fill any shitty game; most of the stages look similar, there's little variety, there are no sound effects other than the engine of the truck, the tail lights are fixated on the back of the trailer doors and they look like someone made them in Photoshop with a basic brush tool! Want me to prove it? ''[Creates tail lights exactly like the ones in Big Rigs in Photoshop]'' There you go. The street is always breaking up like the Glitch Gremlin paved over it, certain light posts are given strange colours that stick out from the rest of the game, the [[w:Arc de Triomphe|Arc de Triomphe]] appears twice in a row in a geographically inaccurate area, the trucks are referred to as &quot;cars&quot;, the &quot;Ultranav&quot; points you get from crossing checkpoints don't always go in order - what the fuck is &quot;Ultranav&quot; anyway? The timer goes outside the box and on top of all that the box that the game comes in is a '''complete lie'''! Never do the police chase after you. Maybe if that was just the front artwork, that would be excusable, but the back says, &quot;You'll be hauling loads and trying to stay one step ahead of the law.&quot; &quot;Deliver your load to its destination.&quot;

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:'''AVGN''': What are they talking about? That never happens! Oh, no, no, I stand corrected. This game &quot;delivers a load&quot; all right - '''load of fucking shit'''! I'll deliver a load '''all over this fucking game'''! It's not even a game. It doesn't count as a game. If it were a game, you could lose. But you can't! It's nothing but win! &quot;You're winner!&quot; It's like the game feels sorry for you! [He drinks Rolling Rock]

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:'''AVGN''': This is not even ''close'' to a finished game - if you can call it a game. It's the '''worst game ever made'''! And I've played a lot, what is this, episode 118? So that is a big statement, but I'm '''DEAD FUCKING SERIOUS'''. It isn't as frustrating as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, no no, it's not as bad of an experience as that, but in terms of functionality, this is an all time low.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': You can't release something that's not finished! Who looked at this? I mean, who looked at THIS and thought, &quot;Yeah, that's OK. Put that out.&quot;? There's credits, which suggest that actual human beings were behind this. More than one. What were they thinking? Why would anyone want their name on this thing, and did any single one of them look at this and think &quot;Maybe there's still some work left to do?&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': By the year 2003, wouldn't there have been some kind of quality control? Even the worst games from the 70's had some playability. I would have assumed that Big Rigs was just some test game. Some kind of demo that a college student made, not an actual game that got sold in stores. It-it couldn't have been sold in stores. But, apparently, it did. This is the box. It came in a box! And it was rated by the ESRB! Someone from the ESRB looked at this game and gave it a rating! I know it's not their job to judge the quality of the game, but somebody looked at this and thought &quot;Wow. This is '''shit'''. But, E.&quot; Imagine buying this game, thinking it's gonna be a cool racing game, then you bring it home and play it and you get this. It's like a cruel prank. They should've recalled this game and gave out refunds. Imagine advertising this sort of thing. Imagine putting a commercial on TV for this shitload of fuck. I wonder what it would've been like. Hmm. (He imagines a TV commercial for &quot;Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing.&quot;)

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Mock advertisement, featuring gameplay footage, over the top production and a heavily tattooed James Rolfe wearing sunglasses, acting as a trucker]''
:'''Trucker''': Hey, kids! Strap yourself in for some action packed racing!
:'''Voice over''': It's Big Rigs!
:'''Trucker''': Eighteen wheels of thunder, and we've got '''trucks'''! Yeah... trucks!
:'''Voice over''': Big Rigs!
:'''Trucker''': Off-road traction! More power for non-stop driving action!
:'''Voice over''': Big Rigs!
:'''Trucker''': Over the Road Racing! Under the road, over the road, who knows?
:'''Voice over''': Big Rigs!
:'''Trucker''': Never lose a race again, You're always winner!
:'''Voice over''': With '''Big Rigs'''!
:'''Trucker''': Engines equipped with quantum phasing molecular mechanics to pass through solid objects so as to not interrupt the racing experience! '''Nothing''' stands in your way!
:'''Voice over''': When you're '''Big Rigs'''!
:'''Trucker''': Rear spinning tires with warp-drive velocity for interdimensional exploring! Leave the game behind and exceed the boundaries of existence!
:'''Voice over''': '''Big motherFUCKin' Riiiiiiggs'''!
:'''Trucker''': Drivin' around in fuckin' trucks!
:'''Voice over''': '''BIIIIIIIIG MOOTHHHERRRRRFUCCCCKIN' RIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGS'''!!! Big Rigs.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Well, there's one last thing left to find out. How fast can you go in reverse? Let's push the limits. (He drives in reverse, gaining speed quickly) The truck's fucking the ground. (The Nerd feels like he's traveling the speed of light, and the truck's engine noise becomes high pitched. He covers his ears) That noise! That noise, how high can it go?! [[Spaceballs|Light speed! Ludicrous speed! We've gone to plaid.]] (Screams wildly) '''''I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! WE GOTTA STOP!''''' (Releases the reverse key as the chair flies back, crashes into the video room) Oh, shit, oh, shit, oh, shit!

=== [[w:Penn &amp; Teller's Smoke and Mirrors|Desert Bus]] ===

:'''The Nerd''': The manual (and yes, there is a manual) says &quot;No, it's not an oversight. Does your life have a pause control?&quot;
:''[The Nerd chuckles weakly, groans angrily and is about to drink a Rolling Rock, but puts it aside]''
:'''The Nerd''': I'm drivin'. ''(hangs an air freshener on the camera)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[using a clamp to hold down the A button, just like in The Terminator (NES) episode]'' How do you like ''that'' trick, Penn &amp; Teller? If you can't beat the game, let the game beat itself.
:''[The Nerd walks away, and the bus is still driving, gradually veering off the right side of the road. The Nerd returns and sees what is going on]''
:'''The Nerd''': What, what? The fuck?! ''[grunts and tries to continue driving the bus, but is unable to]'' It's stuck! The bus is stuck in the sand. ''[The Nerd looks at the screen at in disbelief and takes a deep sigh.]'' They made the bus veer to the right on purpose. ''[groans]'' They thought of everything. God damn you, Penn and Teller! 

=== [[w:E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (video game)|E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''E.T.'' on Atari 2600. To begin with, it's not a game you just pick up and play. Most games this generation were very simple. Shoot a bunch of aliens, climb to the top of the screen, stop missiles or chomp down all the pellets, but E.T. is an enigma. With all these random symbols appearing at the top of the screen and falling in holes all the time, it's no wonder why gamers did not understand how to play this game. You have to read the instruction manual. So, once you understand how to play the game... '''IT ''STILL'' FUCKIN' SUCKS!'''

=== [[w:Beetlejuice (video game)|Beetlejuice]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': You know, what I'd rather do is trap a bunch of beetles in a jar, smush 'em with a lemon squeezer, and drain their juice into a shot glass. And no, I didn't say anything about drinking it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': I think the game has more to do with the star than the movie; I mean the star in the sky, the real Betelgeuse. It's a red super-giant that's going to explode one day. Does that not accurately describe the feeling you get from playing this piece of shit? This particular star is always pulsating; it's so inconsistent that it's sometimes called the ninth brightest star in the sky, but usually the tenth. These fluctuations in inconsistencies are exactly what they were going for with the unpredictable nature of this game. When you're flying all over the place like a spring-loaded turd in a pinball machine, that's just like the star itself, how it's been speculated to have changed course at one time or another, possibly because a nearby stellar explosion, or in this case, a fuckin' bug. I mean, here we have a game where what exists outside the edge in the screen could take effect or not; the absence of visibility will result in death, whereas the existence of something harmful but not visible will still be in effect! Is it any coincidence that a game with no definable boundaries would have such a distinct relation to a star with optical emissions that vary, making it hard to define the photosphere? Or what about how the star is surrounded by a circumstellar envelope made up of matter that's been ejected from the star, kinda like a mass of bees coming out of a beehive, and making an outer field around the hive? Betelgeuse is part of the constellation of Orion. That's what the ancient Greeks viewed it as but of course today we all know that's actually a skeleton shooting a fireball. Why would Betelgeuse be on the shoulder? Well, quite simply, anyone who's played this game as a kid has a chip on their shoulder whenever you bring up the name! And at last the game was released in May. That's the same month when Betelgeuse can be seen over the western horizon after sunset for only a brief period of time. Likewise, it was Western US gamers who played this right after sunset when their homework was done, and it was only for a brief period before they threw it to the ground, beneath the horizon. So yes, I'm convinced the game was based on the star, and not the movie... or you could just say they fucked it up, and took too much liberty with the source material. 

== The Twelve Days of Shitsmas ==

=== 1. [[w:Colorful Dragon|Tagin' Dragon]] ===
:'''AVGN''': Well, it's Christmas time, again, already, and that means... more shitty games for me. And I have a pretty big pile here, thanks to all you. All requests, a despicable dozen, and we are going to savor these juicy turds one day at a time. Because this is the 8th Christmas since I first started doing these Christmas specials, so we're going to do something a little different, a little excessive. 12 Days...of Shitsmas.

=== 2. [[w:ALF (video game)|ALF]] ===
:'''AVGN''': [After he opens a present] Oh no, it's ''[[w:ALF (video game)|ALF]]'' on the Sega Master System. Of course, it's based on the TV sitcom from the '80s. I used to love that show, just for the fact that the star character was a puppet. Ah yes, the loveable Alien Life Form &quot;ALF&quot; or Gordon Shumway who crash lands on Earth and lives with the Tanner family, not the Tanners from Full House. The goal is to collect special items to get his spaceship working so he can leave Earth and go home, along the way, having to avoid FBI agents who are out to get him. This is all strangely reminiscent of E.T. on Atari 2600. (Zoom in on an FBI agent) These guys are creepy, they look like pedophiles, perverts, child molesters. The way they're dressed in stereotypical trenchcoats and grabbing at the air, as if saying &quot;Come on ALF, I got some candy. I don't wanna hurt you, I just wanna... grope your little alien ass.&quot; (The FBI agent follows ALF into the kitchen) GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN YOU FUCKING SICKO!

=== 3. CrazyBus ===

:'''AVGN''': There's no goal unless you can see how high you can rack up the score. In other words, how long can you hold the D-Pad for! You like that game? You don't even need the game, just the controller and a timer! It would be more fun to stare at the wall! I have a whole new appreciation for Desert Bus! Big Rigs is more exciting than this shit! This broke the shit scale. This is a whole new higher level. First there's poop, then there's shit and then there's...DEFACATION!!

=== 4. [[w:The Ren &amp; Stimpy Show: Fire Dogs|Ren and Stimpy: Fire Dogs]] ===

=== 5. [[w:The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle and Friends (video game)|Rocky and Bullwinkle]] ===
:'''AVGN''': '''''EAT THIS, BITCH! YOU DON'T WANNA FUCK WITH A MOOSE THROWING BOMBS!'''''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Well there you have it, Rocky and Bullwinkle. Shitty game, shitty graphics, shitty music, shitty everything! Fucking big, clumsy moose! Bullwinkle, (Does a Bullwinkle impression) I'm Bullwinkle! '''MORE LIKE BULL FUCKING SHIT!'''

=== 6. [[w:List of Mary-Kate and Ashley video games|Mary-Kate and Ashley: Get A Clue]] ===

=== 7. [[w:V.I.P. (TV series)|V.I.P with Pamela Anderson]] ===
:'''AVGN''': This is a scumbag's idea of a game. &quot;Let's get some slutty girls and give 'em guns, huh huh!&quot;

=== 8. [[w:Lethal Weapon (video game)|Lethal Weapon]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Let me give you some advice. Never play a movie based game. You know why? Okay, okay. They FUCK you with the movie games! They FUCK you, they FUCK you! They know that you're going to buy the game and by the time you play the game and realize that you got fucked, it's too late. They don't care! And after fucking you, they fuck you some more. Who got fucked? The ones who bought the game. The ones who rented it were the lucky ones. They fuck you with the graphics, fuck you with the music, fuck you with the gameplay, they FUCK you, they FUCK you, they FUCK you! Walk off screen to select the character. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard of. That would be if I just walked off screen right now and somebody else came in.
:''[AVGN leaves the room and Mike Matei comes in the room to take his place]''
:'''Mike Matei''': I'm getting too old for this shit. ''[starts playing]''

=== 9. [[w:Porky's|Porky's]] ===

:'''AVGN''': What an experience Pee-Wee had. Can you imagine the story he has to tell? &quot;I was walking down the street. Narrowly avoiding a speedboat, a submarine on wheels, a parade of naked Dr. Seuss characters, a rabbit pig and dudes in cars. I fell down into a pond where I swung around on a pole and build a ladder up into a girls locker room shower with this weird blobby ghost tried to grab my dick. I DROPPED A BUNCH OF PYRO EQUIPMENT DOWN THE SAME HOLE THAT LEADS TO THE POND BUT SOMEHOW ENDED UP ON TOP A BUNCH OF SCAFFOLDING WHERE I WENT UP AND FINISHED IT ALL UP WITH A '''BOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!'''&quot; And that's why you gotta love Atari.

=== 10. [[w:HyperScan|HyperScan]] ===

:'''The Nerd: '''And yes, he just turned into a cheeseburger.

=== 11. [[w:Universal Studios Theme Parks Adventure|Universal Studios Theme Parks Adventure]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Universal Theme Park Adventure on Gamecube. A game based on a theme park, that was based on movies by Universal Studios, the giant movie making machine that made some of the greatest films of all time. From the classic monster movies of the 30's and 40's to the Spielberg masterpieces like Jaws, E.T. and Jurassic Park. Over the years, Universal Studios has celebrated its movie legacy by slowly converting its Hollywood studio location into a big amusement park for the public and destroying film history. You know the opera house set from the classic Phantom of the Opera that stood on Stage 28 for 90 years? Destroyed. The oldest surviving movie set in history gone over night to make way for a Harry Potter ride. But hey, Universal Theme Park was still a lot of fun. You know in the Back to the Future DeLorean and then there's volcanos and shit and then you're riding the bike with E.T. and then the...the truck comes and almost hit you and then you're on the waterfall and...then the T-Rex comes out and then...and then fucking Jaws is jumping out of the water and King Kong shaking the tram and then there's earthquakes and then there's those other movies that you don't even know what the fuck they are, nobody cares! It was awesome! By the 90's, this whole theme park idea was so huge, they opened up a new one in Florida. This is when Nintendo helped advertised it in the movie, The Wizard and then in 2001, Nintendo start promoting it again with this game (the Nerd inserts the disk into the Gamecube and turns the Gamecube on) which I think, sounds awesome. What a great idea to take all these movies and put them into one using the theme park as a way to tie them altogether and on a new advanced console. How could you go wrong?

:'''AVGN''': Well, only one present left. [Looks at the left present] Wanna take a peek? Yeah, let's take a peek. [Picks the last present then reveals the LJN logo as he feels shocked.] '''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!'''

=== 12. [[w:LJN Video Art|LJN Video Art System]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': It can't be! (Opens a present then reveals ''[[w:LJN Video Art|LJN Video Art]]'') LJN made a video game console. It's already bad enough they already monopolized the genre of shitty disfunctional video games, but now, to make a whole fucking console. The biggest turd LJN ever shat. Let's take a look.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Ooh, no, oh, no, oh, NO! Oh, I hate these. These things come from Hell! These are the devil's pitchforks that you have to screw on the back of your TV!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
''[Upon turning on the video game system, the game just blares static]''
:'''The Nerd''': Well, you have to admit, this sure has a killer soundtrack. Yeah, next time you're having a conversation about best video game soundtracks; Mega Man, Castlevania, no, tell them about LJN Video Art. I can see it right now like, &quot;Uh, how does that one go? I don't remember that.&quot; &quot;Oh, it goes like: ''[imitates static sounds]''&quot;
:'''The Nerd''': The game has no sound... This is a unique specimen, not because it doesn't have sound, but because it outputs white noise, so technically, it does have sound, but it's fucking static! This kind of shit is the reason the Mute button was invented. Yeah, so turn the sound off, put on some Witchfinder General, and while you're at it, put on a different fucking game!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So, this concludes this marathon of crap, 12 shitty relics from the ass of the past. Hope you enjoyed it. Enjoyed in a strange way, I guess. You know, why do we focus on the bad memories? Why are we sentimental over the crappy past? I don't know, but I do know that the things of yesterday that were worthless, you all found some way to give them worth. You've done this, I've done this, we've all found ways to just make the best of things I guess. Maybe you're having a good holiday season, or a bad one, or an indifferent one, whatever the case I just want to bring you some joy. I hope you got a laugh, or even just a chuckle, uh, because it's that time of year, where everybody... make happy. Be a comedian. With all sincerity, have a Merry Christmas, happy holidays in general, and I'll see ya in 2015. Get ready for those [[Back to the Future Part II|self-lacing shoes, hoverboards and flying cars!]]

== Season Nine ==

=== [[w:Hong Kong 97 (video game)|Hong Kong 97]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': I've been called upon to take care of business once again. Apparently, there was a game worse than [[w:Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing|Big Rigs]]. Worse than [[w:Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (video game)|Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde]]. Worse than ''CrazyBus'' or ''Desert Bus!'' It was known as Hong Kong 97, and I've been getting requests for it up the ass. The requests are so far up the ass, it's time to shit 'em out! The game was made for the Super Famicom in Japan. But never saw its way to the rest of the world. This is one title that we definitely didn't get on the [[w:Super Nintendo Entertainment System|Super Nintendo]]. It was made by HappySoft. HappySoft was most famous for making... Hong Kong 97, their one and only &quot;masterpiece.&quot; (scene switches to an animated scene of HappySoft, rising from a fiery pit, shitting out Hong Kong 97) On this one occasion, they rose from the depths of Hell, excreted this unholy turd onto the Earth, and then descended back to where they came. (scene cuts back to real life) Supposedly, the game was so horrible, it barely even came on the Super Famicom at all. Stores rejected it and its release status is a mystery. It's so rare that to this day, not a single cartridge or physical copy has shown up at all. I can't even find a picture of one. So the only way I can experience this game... is the same way as the rest of the Internet.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': [upon seeing the word &quot;fuckin'&quot; in the game's intro story] This can't be real. No. No. Somebody's pulling my leg! &quot;A herd of fucking ugly reds&quot;? Was 'a herd of ugly reds' too weak? Did they really need the F word to FUCKIN' drive home the FUCKIN' point? 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': One hit, and the game's over. Why would I expect anything more? ''[Sees the game over screen, a picture of what appears to be a real corpse, accompanied by the text &quot;Chin IS DEAD!!&quot;]'' No... oh, please! I hope that's not a real dead body. No, there's no way they'd have such bad taste! That's gotta be an actor. Or... we're looking at some guy who died on that date and time in 1992. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': The strange thing is that Deng Xiaoping actually died in 1997. The game...predicted the future. In fact, 1997 was the year the United Kingdom returned the rule of Hong Kong back to China. The movie, from '94, forecast this in the tagline: &quot;99 years of British rule are about to come to an end. Hong Kong will never be the same.&quot; The movie stars Robert Patrick, the T-1000 from Terminator 2: Judgment Day, and Judgment Day takes place...in 1997. Part of Deng Xiaoping's ear is sort of cut off, like when Mike Tyson bit off a piece of Evander Holyfield's ear in 1997. The car, I'm willing to bet, is a Mercedes-Benz, in which Princess Diana died in '97. And what was the year Coca-Cola launched Surge? '97. And it's no coincidence all my surge protectors were made in China. Rebooting the entire game after you die? Just like Symphony of the Night. '97. Jackie Chan, uh, Rumble in the Bronx, uh, the Bronx, New York City, the Big Apple... [gasps] The year Steve Jobs returned to Apple in '97. The unstoppable, unrelenting song is called I love Beijing Tiananmen, also known as I love Peking Tiananmen. Peking Duck is a famous duck dish from Beijing. [gasps] And Scrooge McDuck had his 50th Anniversary in '97! The game was such a titanic failure. [gasps] Titanic, the movie from '97! Why was this game's sole purpose to direct us to the number 97? Huh. Like the NGC-97 galaxy in the constellation of Andromeda, the princess Andromeda who was chained naked to a rock to be sacrificed to a monster. Like Princess Leia and Jabba in Return of the Jedi. [gasps] The Special Edition of Star Wars in '97! Ah, fuck, we're back again. Man, I'm just trying to get a final answer here, but I went full circle. Like the song that keeps looping. A game that keeps repeating. Maybe it's all about a cycle. An endless cycle. Old, shitty games that become new again. The past becomes the future, birth and death, on and on, it's the cycle of life. The game is the meaning of life! And the thing that keeps life going; Reproduction...and food...which becomes shit. The game is fuckin' shit. There.

=== [[w:Darkwing Duck (TurboGrafx-16)|Darkwing Duck]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''[searching for a game to review that would supposedly give enough material]'' I got it, ''[[w:Mad Max (1990 video game)|Mad Max]]''! It was made by [[w:Mindscape|Mindscape]], proving that not '''''EVERY''''' NES movie-based game was made by LJN. See - LJN was like a cat, and the NES library was its litter box. When the litter box gets too shitty... the cat shits somewhere else. '''''Now''''' I'm on track.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[reviewing the aforementioned game]''  Well, ya drive around, ya run around shootin' people, ya drive, shoot, drive, shoot, buy stuff, drive and shoot. I '''''wish''''' it were LJN because they would've given me more to '''talk''' about!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Call me an explorer; I've been searching for the '''perfect''' shitty game. And I've seen just about '''''EVERYTHING''''' at this point! But ya know what? I'm gonna do something that I've never done yet. And that is to review a game, on... ''[turns his camera to the TurboGrafx-16]'' ...the TurboGrafx-16. '''''Holy shit.''''' ''[The TurboGrafx-16 floats out to the camera.]'' The TurboGrafx-16 was developed by Hudson Soft and NEC. Its original name in Japan was the PC Engine, which sounds like a computer on a train. No wonder they changed it. The games came on cards, which was unique. It was '''technically''' the first 16-bit console, made to compete with the NES, but it was soon trampled by two titans, the Sega Genesis and the Super Nintendo. Yeah, you were either asking your parents for the Genesis or the SNES. The TurboGrafx-16 was the one nobody ''gave'' a shit about. It didn't have as many third-party game developers workin' for it, but the benefit of that was that it meant less shitty games! The TurboGrafx library is less ''contaminated'' than the rest. That's why it's taken me so long to get to it. There's no '''major''' stinkers that stick out. But I might've found one. ''Darkwing Duck'', based on [[w:Darkwing Duck|the TV show]].  remember the show, but I'm not overly familiar with it, which is a fair spot to be in. I have no high expectations, or low expectations. By now, I've played some of the most '''''HORRIBLE GAMES''''' that are humanly possible to make: ''Plumbers Don't Wear Ties'', ''Big Rigs'', ''Hong Kong 97''; I think I've set the bar too high, or too low, depending which way ya look at it. So now, let's go into some more sensible territory; let's get serious. Or should I say... &quot;Let's get dangerous&quot;?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Great! The game just began and they tease ya with an item that you can't get! There's ''gotta'' be a way... Oh - I see, ya bounce on the skateboarding penguins' heads. ''[turns to the camera]'' How can I be so casual when I say &quot;skateboarding penguins&quot;?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': It's not like I ''have'' to get the D; I don't even know what it does! But it '''''pisses me off!''''' I feel like an ass! I can't let that go! I feel like I've been fooled! It's like a '''test''' from the game programmers! A challenge! Like, you put that D there, and '''''I'm gonna figure out how you intend I get to it!''''' ... I give up. There's a whole game ahead of me. Fuck the D; the D can '''''suck my dick!''''''''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': I've been playin' on &quot;Normal Mode&quot;. I'm changin' it to &quot;Easy&quot;. Huh. &quot;Easy&quot; and &quot;Normal&quot;. Should be called &quot;Hard&quot;, and '''''&quot;FUCKING BULLSHIT&quot;!'''''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Don't you think there'd be a reason why the window is broken? Doesn't it look like I can hop down there? ''(Darkwing jumps up to the cable)'' How 'bout hangin' on the power lines? Darkwing is actually reaching up as if he could grab on! But it never happens! It '''messes''' with your mind! It's a psychological sucker-front! A facade! It's the equivalent of an open door that ya can't go in!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So much shit comin' at me! '''''SO MUCH SHIT!''''' ''[The Nerd falls below the platform and into a different level. He is shocked.]'' What the fuck just happened? It's like you make one wrong step, '''''you go to the dungeon, BITCH!'''''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''':  You can't duck and shoot. Great. Well at least you can duck. You '''''ARE''''' a duck. I dunno what kinda fucked-up duck can't fuckin' duck

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd: ''' ''(As the Nerd waits for a correct time to jump, a safe falls on Darkwing's head, much to the Nerd's dismay. The camera cuts to him looking shocked by this. He then gets an angry look before opening his mouth.)'' ''(Screams angrily)'' '' '''FU.....!!!!''' '' ''(this is interwoven with multiple clips of the Nerd screaming; the final shot is an explosion)'' ''(angrily)'' '''If you stand still for TOO long, a safe drops on you! Like the game is saying, ''&quot;FUCK YOU!&quot;'' ''' '''&lt;nowiki/&gt;''' Might as well just be a giant middle finger. And it should be the only part of the game in 3D! Put on your 3D glasses! Get ready! Set! Fuck you, kids!

:'''The Nerd: '''This '''''could've''''' been a decent game. ''Darkwing Duck'' is '''''NOT''''' one of those concepts that's doomed from the start. The show had elements of action, crime-solving and humor. It's been done well before! ''(Footage of the NES version of &quot;Darkwing Duck&quot; is shown)'' There was an NES version which was basically like ''[[w:Mega Man (video game)|Mega Man]]'' but with a duck. It was made by [[w:Capcom|Capcom]], who of course made the ''Mega Man'' games, and ''DuckTales''. '''Those''' all turned out great, so what happened here? The control isn't just bad, it's '''''uniquely''''' bad. In an indescribable way.

:'''The Nerd: '''Every game with bad control has its own feel, its own identity. Making bad games is an artform. It's a delicate recipe. Some are worse than others. It might be a massive truck load of elephant shit, or, a pellet of bird poop. To explain '''''exactly''''' how bad it is, I've invented &quot;The Shit Scale&quot;.

:'''The Nerd: '''It begins with &quot;Games That Are Debatably Bad&quot;. '''Somewhat''' good games, with ''serious'' flaws. '''''Not''''' part of the turd crust, but well within smell range.

:'''The Nerd: '''Then you get to the &quot;High Level of Shit Contamination&quot;. Games that are ''possible'' to play, but nobody in their right mind would.

:'''The Nerd: '''Then ya get into the &quot;Very High&quot; category which encompasses the majority of LJN games. This is where you could still survive, but you'd come out traumatized... for life.

:'''The Nerd: '''Next is the &quot;Severe Zone&quot;. This is for masochists only. These are games that could kill a person. '''''STAY AWAY. Don't even think about it!'''''

:'''The Nerd: '''Then we have ''Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde''. Enough said.

:'''The Nerd: '''Finally, at the '''''EXTREME''''' end of the scale, &quot;'''MAJOR CODE RED'''&quot;; we have games that don't even '''''qualify''''' as games at all. They shouldn't even be '''on''' the scale! But they are. And that's so you know to beware. '''''NEVER''''' play them, '''''NEVER''''' talk about them.

:'''The Nerd: '''So where does ''Darkwing Duck'' fall on the scale? I'd say somewhere around... here. ''(&quot;Very High&quot; category)'' Of course that means there '''are''' games that are worse, but from what I've seen so far, ''Darkwing Duck'' is the '''''WORST''''' game on the TurboGrafx-16. Being the worst at something is quite an achievement. I'm the fuckin' Nerd, I'll see ya next time. ''(The Nerd throws the game and grunts angrily)'' '''Nnrgh!'''

=== [[w:Seaman (video game)|Seaman]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': So what do you do in this game? Well, the instructions say: &quot;You are free to enjoy Seaman-&quot; ''[slaps the instruction booklet against his forehead]'' '''AW, NO, NO, NO, NOOOOOOO!''' '''IT'S SEA-MAN! SEA...MAN!''' Not ''semen.'' ''[awkwardly pauses for 2 seconds]'' '''AS IN JIZZ! SPLOOGE! MAN BAZOOKA JUICE!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Yeah, you wanna look cool? Put a Sega Dreamcast on your wrist with a TV and a gas-powered electric generator! You'd be so awesome! Let's play this.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Leonard Nimoy''': Then take the egg from the storage matrix...
:'''The Nerd''': Yeah. When he says &quot;Matrix.&quot;, he sounds like Galvatron.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[The Nerd watches in horror as the Nautilus thrashes around, bleeding out]''
:'''The Nerd''': Agh! Ah, that's repulsive!
:''[several Seamen spawn (Gillmen) come flying out of the Nautilus' corpse]''
:'''The Nerd''': ...Whooooaaaa... 
:''[one Gillman swims right up to the screen]''
:'''The Nerd''': GAH! OH, MY GOD! AHHH, GET AWAY FROM ME YOU MYSTICAL ANCIENT PHARAOH MOTHERFUCKERS! Ah! I gotta do it! I gotta do it for Nimoy! ''(gives the Vulcan salute)'' '''''FOR NIMOY!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[to microphone]'' Hello.
:'''Seaman''':''[sarcastically]'' Yeah. Hello. Whatever.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[to microphone]'' I just wanna talk.
:'''Seaman''': ''[sarcastically]'' Blahh, blahh, blahh. Happy?
:'''The Nerd''': ''[to microphone, annoyed]'' Yo, fuck-face!
:'''Seaman''': Let's be sure and get my name right, skin puppet. You're a pain in the fuck.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[to microphone, angrily]'' Suck my cock.
:'''Seaman''': Hey, Seaman don't play that.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[to microphone]'' I'll... (What can I do?) I'll tickle you.
:'''Seaman''': Are you coming on to me?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[to microphone]'' Talk, talk. Speak, speak.
:'''Seaman''': Bite me.
:''[the Gillman flings a viscous substance at the screen]''
:'''The Nerd''': Did he just take a fuck? 'HE JUST FLUNG FUCK AT ME!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Whoa. That's deep, man. But it's bullfuck! The game demands I play by its schedule. So, what am I gonna do to pass the time? Well, I guess I'll play this Famicom Disk game, which roughly translates to &quot;Explosive Fighter Patton&quot;. Why? Because people told me so; they keep feeding me this shit. Let's check it out. ''[inserts the disk. The screen says: &quot;TURN TO SIDE-B AND INSERT TO FUCKING BOX!&quot;.]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[stunned]'' No. No way! It's an official Famicom disk game that says the F-word! And this was in the 80s; this was before Hong Kong 97! '''''IT'S AN OFFICIALLY RELEASED GAME ON A NINTENDO CONSOLE...THAT SAYS &quot;FUCK&quot;! OH, MY GOD, MY LIFE IS COMPLETE! IT SAYS FUCK!''''' ''[shouting]'' '''''IT SAYS FU....'''''
:''[brief montage indicating the passage of time]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[continues shouting]'' O-oh, I forgot about Seaman! ''[turns Dreamcast back on]''
:'''Leonard Nimoy''': I regret to inform you that Seaman has passed away...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Seaman''': Hey, guess what we're doing over here!
:''[two Gillmen are interconnected; the Nerd is shocked]''
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, no, no, no-no-no, please, please! The Seamen are mating. And they felt the need to announce it; to make it known! There they are; staring you right in the face! I didn't even know one that was female. They both have a male voice. That's not... logical.
:''[the top Gillman sinks to the tank floor]''
:'''The Nerd''': It dies? It got fucked to death?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Seaman''': In general, would you describe yourself as a confident person?
:'''The Nerd''': ''[confused]'' Am I confident in myself? Well--
:'''Seaman''': You don't have to be perfect to still be able to like yourself, so tell me.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[lying on the futon like a therapist couch]'' It all started with my pet albatross.
:'''Seaman''': The most important thing is that your dad knows how much he means to you.
:'''The Nerd''': I just feel like...nothing matters, you know?
:'''Seaman''': ''[each line interleaving with one another]'' If you manage to glimpse the world through each other's eyes, you have to keep up with technology. What will your future be like? It's a natural result of the world's economy becoming no reality independent of observation.
:'''The Nerd''': I-I never thought of it that way.
:'''Seaman''': Human beings are the only animals smart enough to entertain itself in a complex way. ''[the Nerd nods in agreement]''

=== The Crow ===

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Nerd''': Look at this ugly, murky mess. I'm sure they were going for a dark, moody atmosphere and all that, but don't you think it's a little too dark? It's almost just a black screen with yellow and red pools of light. Looks like somebody bled and pissed all over the place, after smearing the camera lens with their shit after taking a bunch of Pepto Bismol.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
'''AVGN''': This game is worse than a Mischief Night prank! Mischief Night is throwing toilet paper all over someone's yard. This game is the equivalent of throwing toilet paper after you wiped your ass! It's as refreshing as a horse's anus! Fuck The Crow up its bird ass! And fuck you, you fuckin' clown-faced joker kiss makeup wearin' King Diamond Beetlejuice Alice Cooper Marilyn Manson motherfucker!!

=== [[w:Mortal Kombat Mythologies: Sub-Zero|Mortal Kombat Mythologies: Sub-Zero]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': C'mon, c'mon - oh, get the fuck outta my way - ''[a monk gets crushed by a moving pillar]'' AH-HA-HAH! YEAH! DID YOU SEE THAT?! I FUCKIN' SQUASHED THAT BITCH! ''[A pillar squashes Sub-Zero]'' FUUUUUUCCCCKKK!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Afterwards, you get a cutscene. This is where I should mention that the game was also on PlayStation. It's very similar, but the most noteworthy difference is that on the N64, the cutscenes are still images and text, but with the PlayStation version, since it was a CD-based console, it was able to have full motion video and audio.
:'''[[w:Scorpion (Mortal Kombat)|Scorpion]]''': I am Scorpion. You killed me in cold blood.
:'''The Nerd''': Um... Just stick to ''[[w:Mortal Kombat: Annihilation|Mortal Kombat: Annihilation]]''. 


== Season Ten ==

=== Mega Man Games ===
:'''The Nerd:''' ''[first lines]'' It's been 10 years since I first began broadcasting to you through the miracle of YouTube technology. And since then, I've been trying to keep up with the times. I've just finished upgrading my vinyl record collection to cassettes. And I got a new cell phone... ''[he holds up an old-style Motorola mobile phone]'' (Check it out.) ''[Nokia fanfare plays]'' ...and I finally got one of those new rectangular TVs. I've been reorganizing all my game consoles, new video switchers, working out all the bugs, new shelves, I can now get behind my game consoles to reach all the wires, and of course, the ability to play games in HD clarity. Yeah, hi-def. ''Yeah.'' Now let's play some 8-bits.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' BLAM! Shootin' shit, running around in your blue underwear! It doesn't get any better than this. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' ''Mega Man II'' is favored by many. It's considered to be one of the supreme examples of these types of side-scrolling action games. It's the one everybody knows. Just like another Capcom game, ''Street Fighter II,'' which revolutionized the tournament fighter genre. I guess you can say Capcom made the best number twos.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Explosions! Dialogue! '''EXPLOSIONS ''AND'' DIALOGUE, AT THE SAME TIME!''' ''[Shouting]'' '''''OH, MY GOD!!!'''''
:''[Explosions occur in the Nerd's room with some dialogue saying &quot;This is Hunter Base. Do you read me? Are you all right? Any damage?&quot; interrupting for a brief moment then explosions resume while the Nerd yells]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''2016 Nerd:''' Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. ''[points at R.O.B.]'' Why is that there?
:'''2007 Nerd:''' I don't know, it just sits there.
:'''2016 Nerd:''' Get rid of it.
:'''2007 Nerd:''' Why?
:'''2016 Nerd:''' You'll know by Episode 100.
:'''2007 Nerd:''' Uh, Episode-- ''[stutters]'' ''What?!''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''':  Look, I know this sounds weird, but I've sorta been time-traveling around through AVGN history.
:'''Back Nerd''': Yeah. That's weird. We've never seen anything weird before.
:'''2006 Nerd''': What's AVGN?
:'''Right Nerd''': ''[with an idiotic smile]'' Audio Video Graphic Network!
:'''Back Nerd:''' ''[sarcastically]'' A VaGiNa.
:''[2016 Nerd just facepalms in annoyance.]''
:'''2006 Nerd:''' So what time did you come from?
:'''2016 Nerd:''' From ten years into the future.
:'''2006 Nerd:''' That's nice. Could you have picked a more confusing time to show up?
:'''Left Nerd:''' ''[sarcastically]'' Not confusing at all. Time-traveling back into a dream, that happens all the time! '''''MAKES PERFECT FUCKING SENSE!'''''
:'''2006 Nerd:''' Relax.
:'''2016 Nerd:''' All right, now look, I could tell you that Freddy's around the corner and he's waiting to kill all you, ''[Freddy's shadow gets annoyed, gives the middle finger, and walks away]'' but I'm gonna show you how much worse things could get. ''[shows the PlayStation Disc]'' Here is [[w:Mega Man Legends (video game)|Mega Man Legends]], on PlayStation.
:'''2006 Nerd:''' PlayStation? We're the Angry ''Nintendo'' Nerd!
:'''2016 Nerd:''' THEN CHANGE THE FUCKING NAME! It's about time!
:'''Back Nerd:''' How about Angry Nintendo Commentator? 
:''[2016 Nerd facepalms]''
:'''Right Nerd:''' How about Retro Nostalgic Video Gaming Shit Seeker?
:'''2006 Nerd:''' How about [[w:Nostalgia Critic|Nostalgia Critic]]?
:'''2016 Nerd:''' ''[in disagreement, as if saying, &quot;That's not gonna happen.&quot;]'' Now ''that's'' fucking ''stupid.''
:'''Left Nerd:''' How about &quot;Angry ''Video Game'' Nerd&quot;?
:''[The Nerds agree on the name]''
:'''Right Nerd:''' Yeah, that's good.
:'''Middle Nerd:''' I agree with that.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Mega Man walks toward a magazine rack]''
:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;There're some dirty magazines on the racks...&quot;?
:''[The Nerds have shocked looks on their faces, and they start laughing]''
:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;It might be fun to look at--&quot;
:''[The Nerds all exclaim things such as '''&quot;WHAT?!&quot;''' and '''&quot;OH, MAN!&quot;''' and '''&quot;OH, MY GOD!&quot;''' and having various looks on their faces, ranging from disgusted to laughing.]''
:'''Left Nerd:''' '''''MEGA MAN'S LOOKING AT PORN!'''''
:'''2006 Nerd:''' My life is complete!
:'''Right Nerd:''' ''[laughing]'' ''Mega Man X.'' more like ''Mega Man '''XXX.'''''
:'''2016 Nerd:''' Well, anyway, this guy's gotta take a shit, so take out that Nightmare on Elm Street cartridge and empty your ass all over it.
:'''Back Nerd:''' ''[in embarrassment]'' I wish you would've said that earlier.
:''[The other Nerds smell, gag and hold their nose after knowing Back Nerd defecated his pants.]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''2004 Nerd:''' You didn't play ''Jekyll and Hyde'' again, did you?
:'''2016 Nerd:''' ''[beat, shakes his head]'' ...No! Never... Mm-mm. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': I'm back. It's yours truly, the fuckin' Nerd, here to play some more shitty games. Let's pop this fucker in here-- ''[The Nerd picks up an SNES cartridge and is shocked to see it is [[w:Mega Man Soccer|Mega Man Soccer]]. He puts the game in the SNES, turns it on, plays it and shudders in shock at the game play.]'' Wha--? W--? '''WHAT... WERE... THEY...&lt;big&gt;''THINKING?!?''&lt;/big&gt;''' ''[he runs, hurls himself out the window and screams.]''

=== [[w:Paperboy (video game)|Paperboy]] ===
:'''AVGN''': Extra! Extra! Paperboy goes mad! Here's some [[w:Classified advertising|assifieds]]! Here you go daily douchebag! 10% off your next purchase of &quot;FUCK YOU&quot;! Cloudy with a chance of ass kicking! Dear Abby, make 'em eat shit! Crosswords, can you spell cunt? Horoscopes, you will achieve greatness - in HELL!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Aiming the newspaper into the mailbox is like trying to slingshot a dingleberry from a playground roundabout that’s situated on a moving parade float aiming into a bottlecap that’s tied by a string to a Himalayan snow-cock! While drunk!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Then there's a tire that randomly comes rolling out from behind the house. Who's back there rolling tires? Get a life.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The ''Grim Reaper'' is in town... That's a problem.

=== [[w:MTV's Beavis and Butt-Head|Beavis and Butt-Head]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''(belches)'' Yeah, that's how you critique it, you just say this sucks... yeah... uh... you know when you eat rump roast - are you like, eating a cow's butt? ''(burps)'' You know the word &quot;this&quot; is like &quot;shit&quot; spelled backwards? Or uh... maybe it isn't. Maybe I should like, uh... play another game, or something?

=== The Berenstain Bears ===
:'''Other Nerd''': These are the real Bad News Bears!

=== Sega Activator and Aura Interactor ===
:'''The Nerd''': Streets of Rage 2.
:'''Keith Apicary''': Yes! That's my autobiography.


== Season Eleven ==

=== Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers ===
:'''The Nerd:''' After that, you get this awkward driving stage where you rescue people.
:'''Voice in game:''' ''[exclaims]'' Over here! All right!
:'''The Nerd:''' ''[sarcastically]'' &quot;Love&quot; hearin' those voices over and over again.
:'''Voice in game:''' Over here! All right! Over here! All right!
:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;Over here!&quot; &quot;All right!&quot; &quot;Over here!&quot; &quot;All right!&quot; &quot;Over here!&quot; &quot;All right!&quot; '''''&quot;OVER HERE!!!&quot;''''' '''''&quot;ALL RIGHT!&quot;'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' [Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie ''on Game Boy''] Take a look at the Rangers. Which one's your favorite? ''(shows the Rangers on the Game Boy's monochrome screen)'' The Dark Green, Dark Green, Dark Green, Dark Green, Dark Green, or Dark Green Ranger? Mine's the Dark Green Ranger.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' This problem escalates when you get to the sand. Oh, God, the sand. Let me tell you about this. You have to punch and kick all this sand out of the way, and it's a race against time because there's a machine following close behind you. If it touches you, it's a one-hit death. You have to get rid of that sand as fast as humanly possible. You can't afford any wasted hits, which means you have to master the science behind this punch-kick phenomenon. The top square can only be taken out with the punch. The middle with a kick or a ducking punch. The bottom, only with a ducking kick. So not only do you have to know when it's going to be a punch or a kick, but you also have to know when to be standing or ducking. The only successful pattern I found is duck-stand-stand, duck-duck-stand. I can't even do it without saying it out loud. Duck-stand-stand, duck-duck-stand. Duck-stand-stand, duck-duck-stand. Fuck-shit-shit, fuck-fuck-shit! ''Fuck-shit-shit, fuck-fuck-shit! '''FUCK-SHIT-SHIT, FUCK-FUCK-SHIT!''''' ''(Ranger dies)'' '''''FUUUUCK!!!'''''

=== [[w:Sonic the Hedgehog (2006 video game)|Sonic '06]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': I mean, how bad could this po- it's gonna fuckin' suck, isn't it?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So far, this game has given me nothing but shit! '''The game is giving me shit!!!''' [''The Sonic 06 box game is literally trying to give the Nerd a piece of shit''] '''No! No! No!'''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': [''Talking about how the shopkeeper is only saying welcome''] Especially him. The only word on the screen is &quot;welcome&quot;, but his mouth is moving like crazy. What more could he possibly be saying?! [''The Nerd appears on screen and mimics the shopkeeper''] Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcomewelcomewelcome...

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': [''Commenting on another NPC''] Then there's this crack addict in an alley. [''The Nerd mimics the NPC''] Hey, hey, hey, did you see that, did you hear that? [''starts babbling unintelligibly''] Cra- Cra- crack, I need crack.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
[''Tails jumps over the rail and dies in water'']
:'''The Nerd''': Did Tails just kill himself?!!
[''Tails falls off the rail again and dies'']
:'''The Nerd''': He did!!
[''falls off the rail and dies again'']
:'''The Nerd''': [''appearing on the game screen''] He just couldn't take it... The game was that bad! ''(sighs and jumps into the water)''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''The Nerd''': [about the [[Free Willy|Free Willy]] poster] It looks like the kid is punching the whale! Who the hell could punch a killer whale so hard it becomes airborne?! You don't fuck with that kid!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': &quot;Cleared ACT Mission&quot;? What kind of terminology is that? That's like saying &quot;Cleared LEVEL Stage&quot;. This game is &quot;DICK Cock&quot;.

=== Planet of the Apes ===

:'''The Nerd:''' Well, it's one of those &quot;where the fuck do you go?&quot; kind of games...
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' '''''OH, THE ONLY PLANET THIS GAME CAME FROM IS URANUS! OH, THIS GAME IS A MADHOUSE! A MADHOUSE! OH, YOU DAMN DIRTY GAME DESIGNERS! YOU MANIACS! YOU FUCKED IT UP! DAMN YOU, DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!''''' Oh, that's it. I'm going back to Earth!

=== Game Boy Accessories ===

:'''The Nerd:''' This one, called the 'Handy Boy' was released by... STD? ''STD?!'' '''''WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD NAME THEIR GAME COMPANY &quot;STD&quot;?!'''''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(on Game Boy accessories)'' But then, to top it off, the grand finale. I'm not even emotionally ready to tell you about this, so just sit back, here it is. ''The PediSedate.'' This thing was intended for hospitals, to help children relax when they're about to be put under for surgery or a medical procedure. Essentially, it's a pair of headphones that you plug into the Game Boy. You could probably plug it into any portable gaming console, but more importantly, it has a cup that goes over the child's mouth, and releases the sleep gas, or laughing gas, or whatever it is they need. So, it's the only gaming peripheral I know of that ''gasses you!'' Imagine being sedated while playing fuckin' ''[[w:Dr. Mario|Dr. Mario]]''! What would that be like? Oh, my God! I was gonna make up a bunch of fake shit at the end, like the ''Game Boy Dog Turd Collector.'' But nothing I can make up can top ''this!'' And this thing was rea-I mean, it didn't get released, but it was invented and patented. The Game Boy must have been the most multi-purposed thing in existence! Astronauts actually took it into space! It could withstand bomb blasts, you could take photos, print, sew, find fish, ''get sedated! I wanna be sedated with a Game Boy!!'' '''I WANNA BE SEDATED WITH A GAAAME BOOOY!!'''! [[w:I Wanna Be Sedated|BAM BAM BAMBAM BAMBAM BAM B-B-]] '''''I WANNA BE SEDATED WITH A GAAAAAME BOOOOOY!!!!!'''''

=== Treasure Master ===
:'''The Nerd''': It's a really smart idea to be wearing radioactive fucking SHOES!! Seriously...is Skooter that fucking RAD that he doesn't care about RAD-iation poisoning?

=== Wrestling Games ===
:'''The Nerd''': Trying to hit a guy here is like trying to hit a grain of sand with a tennis racket while Andre The Giant farts directly into your nostrils!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Wow. And how about the most annoying character select screen possible? I don't know who the fuck most of these guys are, and they have no names! Who are these people?? They just shout random slogans at me and move at about two frames per second. Whatever, I'll pick Ric Flair. And of course it controls like ass. The punches take almost a full-second delay! And seriously, why does everyone walk around like there's shit caked up their ass?! Fuck this piece of shit! I'm done! (Takes the game out of the Super Nintendo]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Let me tell you something, brother! This game is the worst there is, the worst there was, and the worst there ever will be! Woo! It's a limousine-fucking, jet plane-sucking, diarrhea-drinking, asshole-stinking Hell-on-Earth in a cartridge, and I'm gonna open up a whole can of whoop-ass on it! And that's the bottom line because the fucking Nerd said so!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Seriously, why couldn't they give all the WWF games to Capcom instead of giving six of them to one of the worst video game companies in existence? Oh, and did I mention the toy line? LJN made the toys, too, and those fucking sucked also! Ugh! What were they thinking? Man, if LJN stood for Laughing Joking Numbnuts, then WWF must have stood for... Wisecracking Wiener Fuckfarts. ''[Actually, Nerd, WWF stood for &quot;World Wrestling Federation.&quot; Now it's WWE, which stands for &quot;World Wrestling Entertainment.&quot;] (gets knocked down by SNES cartridge with a steel chair and the audience angrily boos while the cartridge celebrates as if giving the audience a middle finger, and saying '''&quot;FUCK YOU!&quot;''')''

=== [[w:Polybius (urban legend)|Polybius]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''(after unsuccessfully trying to escape)'' The only way it'll let me go is if I show the game! ''(crying)'' I had to... I had no choice. I can't stand this anymore. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry just... [cries] Just don't look. Don't look, turn the video off right now! Once you see it, it's in you forever.
:''(The camera pans to floor as the Nerd walks toward the Polybius console and looks up at the screen, which shows a 3D-looking square tunnel and then a Tempest-like screen with other shapes. The screen flashes shapes randomly before the YouTube Video Unavailable screen appears. The face suddenly changes into the Nerd's face before the screen cuts to static.)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Todd Tuckey''': What's going on? Hello? ...Well, the camera's here. ''(picks up camera)'' Well, there's the game. ''(static interspersed with Todd screaming)''

=== Robocop NES Games ===

=== [[w:Sonic the Hedgehog (2006 video game)|Sonic '06 (Part 2)]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' Seriously, the last thing I want to do after beating Sonic '06 is play more fuckin' Sonic '06! I'd rather rip every individual pube out of my scrotum with salad tongs than play this anymore!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[after he beats Sonic '06]'' Wow! Can't say I've seen that before. Well, Sonic '06, it's all done. Just to think, all the hours spent, all that time, all that torture, and now, it's all over?
:''[sultry jazz music plays as the Nerd glares at Sonic '06 with bedroom eyes. Whipping and laughter sounds as the scene cuts to the dungeon with Sonic '06 whipping the Nerd.]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[exclaims]'' Yeah! You like th-Ah! Ah! Yeah! Give it to me! ''[shouting]'' Ah! Yeah, yeah! ''[exclaims]'' Yeah, oh you like it when I give you those bedroom eyes! ''[shouts]'' Yeah! ''[exclaims and shouts]''

=== Charlie’s Angels (GameCube) ===
:'''Charlie''': Good morning, Nerd.
:'''The Nerd''': Who said that?
:'''Charlie''': Down here, Nerd.
:'''The Nerd''': The fuck is that thing?
:'''Charlie''': It's me, Charlie. I've come to help you with your game decision. I've got one in mind I think you'll like.
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, yeah, yeah, that's just what I need. Thank you. Thank you very much. How about you just get the hell out of here before I smash your circuits all over the floor?
:'''Charlie''': Why don't you take a look at the game first?
:'''The Nerd''': Oh yeah. ''Charlie's Angels: the Movie'' the game. I heard that one's some grade-A ass!
:'''Charlie''': Indeed it is, Nerd, but you'll only find out if you play. Now play it.
:'''The Nerd''': Okay. All right, so somebody comes and makes me play a game. Freddy, Jason, Bugs Bunny, a speaker phone? I mean, this is an all-time low. ''We're reachin' here!'' And you know where. What do you think I do all day? Just sit around and play shitty games?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' It's finally happened. For years I've been calling games ass. But here is a game ''that's literally'' ''ASS!''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Charlie:''' I'm really sorry Nerd. I thought you would've loved a game that was ass.
:'''The Nerd:''' And why would I love that?
:'''Charlie:''' Because... you're a pieceashit!

=== Star Wars: Masters of Teras Kasi ===
''[The Nerd is looking through a 'Star Wars' encyclopedia]''
:'''The Nerd:''' What? ''JIZZ!?'' 'A popular style of freeform, wailing music' Jizz! Yeah, there is 'jizz' in this book. ''(flips to another page)'' Jizz-wailer!? 'A musician who plays a fast, contemporary, and upbeat style of music.' Jizz-wailer! It's in Star Wars!

=== Lightspan Adventures ===
:'''The Nerd:''' Let's learn some motherfucking math! ''On the move!''

== Season Twelve ==
=== [[w:EarthBound|EarthBound]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''[on the game's oversized box]'' Your ''MOM'' has an oversized box!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''(Following the montage of interruptions by the Photo Guy)''
:'''The Nerd''': ''LEAVE ME ALONE! LET ME PLAY THE GAME!''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mr. Rigs''': That's right, Nerd! Don't take shit from nobody! Only give shits and while you're at it, get some clothes that fit.
:'''The Nerd's Shit''': Yes, it's a little on the baggy side.
:'''The Nerd''': Hey! I don't need any advice from you or the shit talking shit.

=== Dirty Harry ===
:'''The Nerd''': While the movie was ''Dirty'' Harry, the game... was just straight-up ''filthy''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': (''at the title screen'') It opens with the classic line from ''Sudden Impact''.
:'''Harry Callahan''': ''Go ahead. Make my day''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': This game is yet another one of those &quot;Where the fuck do I go?&quot; kind of games. I ran around for 20 minutes like a chicken with its head cut off and barely accomplished anything.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': I know what you're thinking, did he fire six shots or only five? Well to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I... kind of lost track myself. But being this is a Konami Justifier, the most powerful light gun in the world, it would blow your label clean off. You gotta ask yourself one question. Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya? Punk?

=== [[w:Drake of the 99 Dragons|Drake of the 99 Dragons]] ===

:'''The Nerd:''' ''(meditating to ethnic music)'' ... Oh, hey. I've just been meditating to summon the power of the Chosen One to give me the patience and the courage... to play today's game.
:'''The Nerd:''' This game is what you get if somebody ate every badass dual-pistol wielding, trench coat-wearing late '90s action movie cliché, then barfed it out, ate the barf, and then dumped their ass into a piss-and-shit-stained bus station toilet, and then they took that rancid concoction, and somehow printed Xbox discs made out of it! 99 Dragons, made out of 99 percent bullshit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': But ooh boy, let me tell ya, I haven't even started playing yet, so let's pick up the Duke here, this big-ass ''tank'' fuckin' controller, and let's get started. 'cuz it's gonna get fucked...
:'''The Nerd:''' I understand the game was developed under a very short time, but somebody had to pop this in at least ONCE and say; &quot;This controls like ass.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(on the cutscenes)'' Oh, and the lips barely move, so I can never tell if they're actually talking, or it's some kind of inner monologue. ''(As he speaks, the Nerd's mouth is intentionally out of sync with his voice, parodying this.)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(After having died, the Nerd spawns in a temple, where he has to wait for ten seconds before restarting.)''
:'''Statue:''' &quot;There's no cure for stupidity beyond death.&quot;
:'''The Nerd:''' Yeah, well, fuck you too, you fuckin' statues!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(waiting for a platform to take Drake to the top of a building)'' O-oh, come on! I could build a sculpture of a horse takin' a shit, out of horse shit, in the time it takes to get up there!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' This is where the problems in the game REALLY mount up, and it just... builds inside you with all this RAGE, and you become... just BOILING SO FUCKIN' HOT! It's not like you're in Hell; you've '''become''' Hell! Bad people die, and they go into '''you!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(fighting a boss)'' And before I know it, I'm dead! What the fuuucck?!
:'''The Nerd:''' So you defeat the boss, you rescue your master, and now you gotta go down into the subway, and... ''(gets hit by a train and dies)'' '''HAAAAAAAAAAGHHH!!!''' ''WHAT THE FUCK?!'' Thi-I-I-I-I can't fuckin' stand this. I-I would cheat, but, they didn't even program cheat codes! But how could they, if they can't even program a ''fuckin'' game?! ''(stammers and briefly meditates)''

=== ''Tomb Raider'' Games ===
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, and have you ever noticed the Angelina Jolie ''Tomb Raider'' movies aren't called ''Tomb Raider?'' They're officially called ''Lara Croft: Tomb Raider'' and ''Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life.'' What a mouthful. Did they just read the movie poster out loud? Might be why it took 15 years to get another feature film, which was simply called, ''Tomb Raider,'' unless the real title was supposed to be: ''Alicia Vikander is Lara Croft Tomb Raider March 16th Experience It In IMAX.'' But that's probably too much for a theater marquee, right?

=== Resident Evil Survivor ===
:'''The Nerd:''' This game is kicking the PlayStation while it's already down. Mainly in the balls.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:(''after the Nerd appears in the intro to the original'' Resident Evil)
:'''The Nerd''': You see that shit!? Well, I guess I gotta explain. The Umbrella Corporation, they moved in next door, set up a secret lab, and now there's monsters and stuff, and I dunno what to do! Well, I guess I'll pop in the disc, play some ''Resident Evil: Survivor'', have a pint, and wait for all of this to blow over.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So this guy's seen hangin' from a helicopter, he falls off and the copter crashes. Then that same helicopter shits another guy out. Seriously, look at this! The helicopter's on fire, and this dude just shoots out like a turd with an explosive fart behind it!

=== Super Hydlide and Virtual Hydlide ===
:'''The Nerd''': Eight years ago, I played the first ''Hydlide''. Since then, I've gotten a lot of requests to review the other Hydlide games. The other ''Hydlide'' games? Because the first one was so good, you've gotta have more, no, sequels to games that already sucked Donkey Kong dong, that I can't stand! I can't stand the sound of it! Hydlide! ''HYDLIDE!'' (''vomits both sequels'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Imagine living in this world: you're late for work, so you skip breakfast, and then two hours later, you're in the middle of a meeting, and ya drop fuckin' DEAD in front all your coworkers! Nothin' left but a withered husk. Tragic.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': &quot;It does seem fitting to construe carelessly made shoddy goods as bullshit, but in what way? Is the resemblance that bullshit,  itself, is invariably produced in a careless or self-indulgent manner that is never finely crafted? The word 'shit' does suggest this. Excrement is not designed or crafted at all. It is merely emitted (or dumped).&quot; So, while the game did not actually come out of somebody's asshole, it sure CAME OUT in the same manner!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Thankfully, Virtual Hydlide is over. The credits play, and ya get the List of Shame, set to some shitty stock JPEGs of the countryside. You wasted precious hours of your life, to give yourself eyestrain and motion sickness, and all you get is a fucking &quot;Congratulations!&quot; screen. Well, at least they spelled it right. Anyway, ''Virtual Hydlide'' is literally &quot;Bullshit&quot;. Oh, that's right; where'd I throw the book? Ah, well... whatever. I don't have anything planned anyway, so... (''scrolls up like a cel sheet, revealing a &quot;Conglaturation!!!&quot; message'')

=== Amiga CD³²™ ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''[unable to play the CD³²]'' Oh, that's perfect. I have to hold the disc hatch down just to get the game to spin. What, did I really expect this thing to work? I don't even want to play this piece of fuck to begin with, let alone one-handed, holding the thing down to get it to function.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing'' Dangerous Streets] Right off the bat, this is possibly the worst group of fighting game characters I've ever seen. Lookin' back at ''Street Fighter'' and ''Mortal Kombat'', each game had a group of memorable characters, like: Ryu, Guile, Scorpion, Liu Kang! This game has Futuristic Tommy Wiseau, Asscheek Lady, Spring Shoe Guy, Fat Guy with His Pants Undone, and a Native American guy '''TAKIN' A SHIT!''' And, there's this guy who was &quot;born in Pennsylvania&quot;... which just confuses the shit outta me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing'' Gloom] You collect bouncing balls for guns, and baby bottles for health! What is this, like a ''spoof?!'' Like ''PO'ed''? Yeah, the game where you're shooting butts! But, that was done on purpose, as a ''parody! ''This one, '''it's just a fuckin' watered-down piece of shit'' Doom ''knockoff!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing'' Bubba 'n Stix] The gameplay is kinda like a puzzle platformer, where you have to use Stix to get past obstacles, like using him to pry this rock up, or sticking him into the wall to use as a platform. This part right here is pretty funny. You have to get close to these weird guys without interrupting their conversation, and then throw Stix, the character, at them. The graphics are really nice, too. It's cartoony and colorful, but not like the rainbow vomit from ''Oscar''. This is actually a good game. At least, until I get to the second level and I can't figure out what to do. And, I don't have the time to figure it out, so...oh, well, I guess we gotta move on. But, I can give this one the Nerd stamp of not shit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''James D. Rolfe''': ''[receiving a call from the Nerd about a scene from the ''Surf Ninjas'' game]'' This is Cinemassacre Video, where selection is the name of the game. This is James speaking. How may I help you?
:'''The Nerd''': Yeah, okay, I just wanna ask you a quick question.
:'''James D. Rolfe''': Sure thing. Go right ahead.
:'''The Nerd''': Have you ever watched the movie, ''Surf Ninjas?''
:'''James D. Rolfe''': Yeah. In fact, I just had a chat with a bunch of friends all about that. Did you know that the costume designer was the same in ''Street Fighter: The Movie?'' That would explain all the blue camouflage--
:'''The Nerd''': Okay, okay. Look-look-look-look. I just wanna ask a fucking question. In the movie, ''Surf Ninjas,'' does anybody rip someone's heart out, Kano-style?
:'''James D. Rolfe''': Um... no, I don't think that happened in the movie.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[hangs up abruptly]'' See? I knew it.
:'''James D. Rolfe''': Hello? ''Hello?'' ''[sighs and hangs up phone; annoyed]'' Wow. What an asshole.

=== The Town With No Name ===
:'''The Nerd:''' ''[after he beats The Town With No Name]'' Well, that's it. And the good news is I never have to play the Amiga CD³² ever again, and just to make sure this time, I'm sending this thing back to the depths of Hell!
:''[Nerd picks up the SNES Super Scope and Sega Menacer, and starts firing on the Amiga CD³² like crazy, then he puts them down and starts firing hadoukens etc.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' You know what? Fuck this digital shit. Because, this thing needs to be destroyed for real. I'm not jokin' around; I'm goin' practical. I'm gonna do the real fuckin' deal. 
:''[in the backyard, The Nerd puts the soon-to-be-dead Amiga CD³² on the table, brings a Boring Company flamethrower and fires at the console]''
:'''The Nerd:'''  '''''HOW'S THAT FOR PRACTICAL?!''''' ''[the battery inside the Amiga CD³² explodes]'' '''''YEAH! BURN, BABY, BURN! YEEEAAAHHHH!!!''''' ''[Amiga CD³² melts down slowly]'' '''''WHEW, BOY! YE-HE-HE-HE-HEAAAH!!!'''''

=== Home Alone ===
:'''The Nerd''': (''looking down at a box of pizza delivered by Macaulay Culkin as a pizza delivery boy'') What's this?
:'''Pizza Boy''': A lovely cheese pizza; just for you.
:'''The Nerd''': You got the wrong house; I didn't order any pizza. But I'll take it anyway.
:(''He opens the pizza box to find'' Home Alone ''games on different consoles''.)
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, not funny.
:'''Pizza Boy''': Think of it as a gift; you owe it to yourself to play those games. I hear they're awesome.
:'''The Nerd''': No, they're not! Besides... I already reviewed both NES games: that first one where you're laying traps around the house that are enclosed in square tiles for no reason, where you're walkin' up the stairs like you took a dump, and that second one where you're running through the hotel, slidin' on your knees, fighting mops, vacuum cleaners and suitcases, and a chef that takes off his clothes. I'm already done with that, so get this shit out of here! And you better believe I'm leavin' a bad Yelp review.
:'''Pizza Boy''': That's just the NES versions; maybe the rest of them are better. I mean, look at how many of them there are, I mean, they can't all be bad... can they?
:'''The Nerd''': I admit I haven't played the rest. Have you?
:'''Pizza Boy''': No, but they all have Macaulay Culkin in them. I mean, how could you go wrong?
:'''The Nerd''': Well, maybe if they're not as bad as the NES games...
:'''Pizza Boy''': Come on. Everyone in the world shits on these games, and maybe you could change the world's mind. I mean, come on.
:'''The Nerd''': Okay, fine! But you're not going anywhere! You're gonna sit right here and suffer with me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': (''covering the PS2'' Home Alone ''game'') The biggest anomaly of the group is definitely the PS2 version. It was only released in Europe in 2006. Yeah, a while after the movie!
:'''Pizza Boy''': Yeah, but that movie is just timeless.
:'''The Nerd''': It is, but this game, by all known laws of physics in the universe, has no right to exist! The mere idea would baffle the greatest scientific minds of our time. ''(holding the case)'' Besides, the style is completely different: it doesn't look anything like the movies, looks nothing like Macaulay Culkin, I don't even know why we're talking about it, so let's just pretend it doesn't exist.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': (''playing the SNES'' Home Alone ''game'') The object of is to run around the house, collecting valuable items to hide from the criminals. You can only hold a certain amount. When your hands are full, you have to drop them down a laundry chute which leads into a giant vault in the basement! Or Goro's lair, or whatever the hell this is.
:'''Pizza Boy''': Look, I know the movie was a long time ago and stuff, but I don't remember Kevin gathering together... candlesticks, money bags and giant emerald rings, and then, throwing them down a laundry chute? But what do I know?
:'''The Nerd''': The items are found in the most random places, (''sees Kevin fish a whole pizza out of a toilet'') like in a... toilet?! Wh-- I found an entire goddamn pizza! In a toilet!
:'''Pizza Boy''': (disgusted) Kevin would never grab anything out of a toilet...
:'''The Nerd''': (equally disgusted) Augh! Yeah, not even a pizza. I'm sure of it.
:'''Pizza Boy''': Yeah... Yeah... I mean, maybe I would have. You know, back in my... heady days.
:'''The Nerd''': You would have grabbed something out of a toilet?
:'''Pizza Boy''': Yeah.
:'''The Nerd''': Pizza?
:'''Pizza Boy''': You've never had toilet pizza?
:'''The Nerd''': Yeah.
:'''Pizza Boy''': Yeah.
:'''The Nerd''': Pizza shit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Pizza Boy''': Did they really think I grew up in a house where giant frogs roam free in the hall? &quot;Yeah, we just had those suckers hoppin' all around, all the time! Mr. Frog House!&quot; I've never had to collect 35 pets, drop them down a laundry chute, and into a bank vault! Are you fucking kidding me?! What kind of asshole does this game think I am?! I can't believe they'd get away with this... I mean... you go to the store and... you see your face on a cartridge, and go like &quot;I wanna play with myself, all day long!&quot;Every kid deserves a video game based on themselves, am I right?  But no. No, they shat on me! They shat on my legacy! (''begins crying'') What am I gonna do?!
:'''The Nerd''': Wait a minute... You're not a real pizza boy! (''rips of name tag'') You're... M-- M-- Maculkin! I'm playin' ''Home Alone'' games... ...with Macaulay Culkin!!! (''screams a la Kevin'')
:'''Culkin''': Really? Really... Never seen that before. That's-- that's new. Can we just get back to the fucking games?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Culkin''': (''playing the SNES'' Home Alone 2 ''game'') Why is the entire hotel trying to kill me? I mean-- they have a bunch of fuckin' bombs behind the check-in desks! I mean, do they hate their child customers so much that they have to lob lobby bombs at them? And yes, that was pretty hard to say!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Culkin''': (''while battling Harry and Marv at the tree'') Y'know, once I had to fight a demonic tree... It was terrible... I don't know how the game developers found that out.
:'''The Nerd''': &quot;Demonic evil tree&quot;? They-- They exist? And this... this happened to you? Do you remember, like, what... ...um, how did it... happen? Li-- what...
:'''Culkin''': It was a long time ago.
:'''The Nerd''': I know, I know, it's--
:'''Culkin''': DON'T TOUCH ME!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': (''playing'' Home Alone 2 ''for Genesis'') Well, this is off to a frustrating start. Why is everyone in the entire airport tryna kill you? What did Kevin do to instigate all this?
:'''Culkin''': I mean, maybe because they had me pelting innocent businessmen with baseballs? &quot;Here comes Kevin McAllister; he gives 'em a big ol' concussion with a fuckin' baseball!&quot; Right to the dome, look at that! Bam! I'm shooting a poor balloon salesman... and stealing his balloons to get past the TSA. They're making me a fuggin' asshole!
:'''The Nerd''': At least you get to see Kevin take out airport security with a water fountain. And then they all just fall through the floor, while Kevin looks at you like, &quot;What the fuck?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Culkin''': This game is like... poop! From a... a buffalo butt!
:'''The Nerd''': Diarrhea, it's gotta be diarrhea! Just go for it!
:'''Culkin''': Okay! I got it...! I would rather do a human centipede with the Wet Bandits! Marv in my mouth, HARRY IN MY ASS! I'll turn them into the Sticky Bandits!
:'''The Nerd''': (disgusted) Augh, dude! Augh!
:'''Culkin''': No, think about it. Think about it. Close your eyes.
:'''The Nerd''': Naw, I-- No I don't....
:'''Culkin''': No....
:'''The Nerd''': And that's from the web series that brought you &quot;Shredder's my ass and Splinter's my balls!&quot;

== Season Thirteen ==

=== Chronologically Confused about Kingdom Hearts Timeline ===

=== Video Game Magazines ===

=== Aladdin Deck Enhancer (NES) ===
:'''The Nerd''': Aladdin took an upper-decker in my toilet!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': (after he plays the same Micro Machines game, he sighs) The games are exactly the same. There's no difference! The deck enhancer is an add-on that adds nothing! They sold you the same games with some assembly required. It'll be like getting a new sprayer for your garden hose, but it doesn't fit, unless you get some special adapter. So you buy the adapter, but the sprayer still doesn't fit. So now, you have to find a completely different sprayer that only exists in special stores, and then you find out it works the same as the old sprayer, doing a no better job washing away the horseshit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': That box is a prime example of false advertising. Upgrade your Ninfuckingtendo Entertainment System? More like UPPER DECKING IT! And that's not a joke. I mean it. It is the electronic equivalent of an upper-decker. With the Aladdin, the components that normally go inside an NES cartridge are instead deposited into the deck. In the same way, the turds, which are usually preferred to land in the toilet bowl, are instead dumped into the upper tank. Therefore when the toilet is flushed, the bowl fills with shit water, and after that, it's the shit that keeps on giving. Would you consider that an enhancement to your toilet? Well, give it a try, and you'll know EXACTLY what the Aladdin does to your NES! Why does the box say &quot;Aladdin is the future in console gameplay&quot;? The Sega Genesis and Super Nintendo were already out! That's like saying you invented a brand new car that's got new safety features, and uses clean energy, but it's got pillows tied to it and it runs on coal! This thing had no future at all! All the &quot;Coming Soon&quot; games were cancelled, and Camerica went out of business right after this thing was... released? (He weakenly laughs, then he shouts) They went out of business right after it was ANNOUNCED! (He stammers, then he picks up the box and gets hit by the instructions) I—it was a death sentence! A curse! A curse that shrouds its release status in all-consuming mystery! Not even the Gaming Historian found any clear proof that it ever got officially released. I mean, sure, it got made an—and discovered thanks to inventory liquidators and eBay, bu—but if this thing never officially came out, then not only did it not have any future... it didn't have any past, either! How am I supposed to take you back to the past, when there's no fucking past?! I have no business complaining about something that didn't even come out! I wasted my breath! Why did I have to find this thing?! Aahh, I might as well just be diggin' into the Devil's asshole! Fuck!
:''(The Genie appears filled with sewage from a septic tank that previously came from the Nerd's second wish.)''
:'''The Genie''': Hey, I'm back.
:'''The Nerd''': What are you doing back here?
:'''The Genie''': Look, man, I'm just here to grant your last wish so I can get out of here.
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, yeah, that's right. I get one more wish. Okay, well, for my last wish... I wish... you know, I think we've both suffered enough. Yeah, so... I wish... every Aladdin Deck Enhancer, on the whole planet Earth... will fucking explode.
:'''The Genie''': You got it, dude! Smell ya later!

=== Pepsiman (PS1) ===
:'''The Nerd''': (''given the PS1'' Pepsiman ''game'')  Well thanks Pepsiman, that's very interesting. But i have other junk food games like I could play, like ''Cool Spot''. (''Cool Spot'' is turned into ''Pepsiman'') Oh, come on! Oh well, I could always play ''Chester Cheetah''! (''Chester Cheetah'' is turned into ''Pepsiman'') Aw! Well how 'bout uh... ''Big Bumpin''? (Big Bumpin' ''is turned into'' Pepsiman) Aw, man... How 'bout uh... ''Kool-Aid Man''? (Kool-Aid Man ''is turned into'' Pepsiman) Goddammit, you silly fuck! I don't wanna play ''Pepsiman''! (''Pepsiman opens his mouth and hisses menacingly'') Okay, Jeez! I'll play ''Pepsiman''!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Mm-Mm, that's enough for me, this game's too monotonous! ''[Gets up to leave]''
:''[Pepsiman grabs the Nerd and forces him back onto the couch]''
:'''Pepsiman''': ''[Hisses angrily]''
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, dude, DUDE! Your breath! It smells like tooth decay! Here, have some Mentos! ''[Produces a packet of Mentos]''
:'''Pepsiman''': ''[Screams and retreats]''
:'''The Nerd''': Wow! Um... that worked Thanks to Mentos!
:''[Close-up of the Nerd with the Mentos logo]''
:'''Announcer''': Mentos! The Freshmaker!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': You know, Pepsiman is a rather sad tale. Pepsiman can make Pepsi for everybody... except himself.
:''[Pepsiman hangs his head sadly]''
:'''Singers''': ''[Pitched down]'' ''#PEPSIMAAAAN!#''

=== Superman 64 Returns!! ===
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, no! They move!! Why do they have to move?! Ooh, wow! Yeah, they really change it up!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Well, this is the ugliest digital Superman face I've ever seen! ''[a shot of Superman's face from [[Justice League (2017 film)|Justice League]], which was digitally edited to remove Henry Cavill's moustache]'' Second-ugliest.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': You wanna know the worst thing about those ring levels? Right when you're getting the hang of it, the game will glitch, and send you flying across the map - for no goddamn motherFUCKING reason! So y'have to backtrack or restart.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': If you get too far away, a Shadow Guy will spawn in front of her. And I am so sick of saying &quot;Shadow Guy&quot;!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': [after a weak boss battle] Again?
''[cut to even more rings]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[horrified]'' '''AGAIN?!''' ''[runs into the camera screaming]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[after the final boss battle]'' Y'wanna know somethin' else that's a real kick in the ass? In recent years, a ROM of the game surfaced which was of the unreleased PlayStation version, and it actually looks... alright. The levels look unique, the bad guys look cooler, the controls... don't seem great, but it looks like they work! According to Tit-us, after all the changes they were forced to make for the Nintendo version, their license ran out and they couldn't release it. Instead we got this rancid anus tart of a game vomiting green rings in our face! ''[the antennae-gold cartridge of Superman 64 begins to zap the Superman eyes as the Nerd looks at it and dodges as he grunts and groans thoroughly. He takes out the N64 console and zaps heat vision, slowly heading for the good games.]'' '''''NO-O-O-O-O!!''''' Please, don't! Don't hurt the good, innocent games! ''[takes out the Superman 64 cartridge from the N64, barely saving the good games, and then he breaks the cartridge in plastic. He sighs and [[w:Man of Steel (film)|cries out in agony]].]''

=== Life of Black Tiger with Gilbert Gottfried ===
:'''Fred Fuchs''': WHO THE FUCK GOES THERE? WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?! ANSWER ME, TOUGH GUY, OR I'LL BLAST A HOLE IN YOU SO BIG I CAN STICK MY COCK IN IT! (getting wistful) And I don't wanna brag, but...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Fred Fuchs''': Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just a guy who built a computer in the jungle without electricity or internet. I'm not educated enough for the guy WHO TALKS ABOUT BUFFALO SHIT IN HIS BASEMENT!
:'''The Nerd''': ...I guess that's a good point.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Fred Fuchs''': You might wanna be a bit nicer about the game, considering the fact THAT I'M THE ONE WITH THE MOTHERFUCKING RIFLE!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': &quot;Survive 'till the fixed time&quot;... What, were you fucking stoned when you wrote this?
:'''Fred Fuchs''': Yes.
:'''The Nerd''': Thought so.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Fred Fuchs''': Sometimes, you just gotta run like Hell from your problems.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Fred Fuchs''': It's an artistic interpretation of jungle life, you uncultured swine! I'm a goddamn artist, and this is my masterpiece! Obviously, too artsy-fartsy for your plebeian palate!
:'''The Nerd''': Aren't you doused in urine?
:'''Fred Fuchs''': From head to toe.

=== Chex Quest ===
:'''The Nerd:''' I really need to go food shopping somewhere besides eBay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Seems the game developers enjoyed working on this, and adding their own flavor! To a game... about a cereal... with no flavor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Yes, I'm sorry I didn't have more negative to say, I was really tryin' here, um... I know I haven't filled my curse quota for this episode, so... fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;BRUTAL CHEX!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt; It's Chex... on steroids! &lt;em&gt;ILLEEEGAL&lt;/em&gt; steroids! Made from broken glass, rusty fuckin' nails, and whole grain rice. This cereal will start your day... if it doesn't end your life! Fortified with calcium from the bones of fallen angel wings! The only cereal eaten by both God &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; Satan! It's a straight kick to your Muddy Buddies - and Brutal Chex turns your milk &lt;em&gt;RED, FROM YOUR OWN BLOOD&lt;/em&gt; POURING OUT OF YOUR &lt;em&gt;FUCKING SCREAMING MOOOOOOOUTH!&lt;/em&gt; (50 free hours of America Online included.)

=== [[w:Trespasser (video game)|Jurassic Park: Trespasser]] ===

=== [[w:The Immortal (video game)|The Immortal]] ===
:''[episode opens on magazine pages about The Immortal, along with the box and manual pages. Pan up, Nerd's hand slides the cartridge out of the shelf. He walks over to the floor, lifts the carpet to reveal a secret door, and opens it. The AVGN title card is shown, accompanied by the &quot;The Immortal&quot; title with blood splatter and malicious laughter.]''
:''[A dark dungeon, decorated with skulls and dangling chains. The Nerd appears, wrapped in a cloak and holding the cartridge.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Anguish. Lament. Oh, how hath ye been cursed if thou hath playeth a game as archaically, diarrhetically ''shit-holic'' as ''The Immortal'' on thy NES. Whence I came, my basement chamber above, where I desprayed such demeaning, failed electronic attempts at merriment, but when they're as loathly as thee, it is but I who has thus sworn to suffer as I descend deeper into the catacombs, a place where true shit goes to lie face-first down in smoldering decay; a place where sorrows exceed the souls, and vanquished beings meet their fate. Medieval torture, man; The head-crusher, the rack, the pendulum, the iron maiden, but none as dreadful as ''this.'' Behold.
:''[the game's demo is already playing on a small monitor. The Nerd walks over to it.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Reset, and here we go, the plight begins. Feast your eyes on this accursed nonsense. So, as soon as the game begins, it gives you a warning: &quot;It might be a good idea to move.&quot; Hmm. And it ''kills'' you. Right away, they pull something like ''that.'' At least, they warned you. But it might as well warn you the moment you put this game in, you're doomed... with life. So let's try it again. Into the next room. ''[3 seconds later]'' A-and look at that! They put that right there, right outside the door? Ohhh, one-hit death traps. That's real classy. Let's reset. Okay, here we go. Uh. So, this isometric angle definitely makes things a little difficult. When you're just moving the D-pad all over the place, it kind of just, you know, it's just a guessing game of which direction to push.
:And here we go, you fight the goblin, and it goes into this battle mode, and, to tell you the truth, in the dark ages of 8-bit entertainment, these graphics are a marvelous sight to laud. But, if thine playeth oneself, you shall hear upon cry the tears of despair and agony as thou realize thou caught in an eternal button-masher. Yeah, that's all you do; is just mash buttons. And the thing is, you have a fire attack. I mean, look at this, you can shoot fireballs, but that doesn't work against the goblins. But you talk to this guy here, and, um...yada-yada, forgive my haste. The important thing to know: he gave me a key. And then, I move on to the treasure chest, I use the key...to open the treasure, and I get...20 gold pieces. A bag of bait, and a sack of bad-smelling spores. Hmm. Well, we all know what ''this'' game's a bad-smelling sack of. So into the next room. Uh. As you can see, going diagonal is kinda tough. I'm gonna use the bait on this goblins. Let's just see what happens here. Do it? Yes, of course.
:''[the bait summons a worm that eats the character]''
:'''The Nerd:''' ''[shocked gasp]'' It ''kills'' you! Look, even the ''items'' kill you! ''Wow!'' Now that is a cheap shot. Alright, let's try again. Into the next room, and...dodge the fireballs-- I mean, not, the arrows...and whatever it throws your way. This game throws everything but the kitchen sink-- A-A-And look! Invisible pits?! Confound it all! Ohhh, I beg of you, have pity! Oh, wow, that's a good one. That's classic. Oh, boy. And the thing about this game is the familiar premise of controlling a wizard navigating through a labyrinth of dungeon cells brings to mind similar games like ''Gauntlet,'' or the obvious ''[The Legend of] Zelda.'' ''[chuckles darkly]'' But those examples only conjure up thy false jolly hopes. As thou seen in my lair above, the artwork in the Nintendo Power magazine and in the instruction manual look divine, but nay, it is but filth. The game is naught of all that is goodly, plagued with visuals cursing the eyes of ye of ill mortals to witness. The shades and hues hereupon are like the bile of a dying bear that consumed only skunks, smeared with the milk of a witch's tits, fused with garlic, and drew a dump. Yeah. And there's another goblin. Ugh, it's so repetitive, you just mash those buttons. Like a disorderly arfarfanarf. I'd rather be bescumbered with dysentery. That's worse than diarrhea because it includes blood and mucus. I'm sorry, that's disgusting, but so is this!
:''[a goblin appears behind the Nerd and roars. The Nerd yells in shock, runs to grab a cane from the floor and begins fighting the goblin ''The Immortal''-style.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Curse you, foul, abhorrent beast! ''[defeats the goblin, who drops to the floor.]'' Eureka! A key! ''[grabs the key from behind the goblin and discovers a door.]'' Yonder I shall go, as I proceed in my journey to further experience the tragedy of ''The Immortal.'' Why must it be I, cursed by the gaming gods, to endure this vomitorium? ''[unlocks the door.]'' Yeah, &quot;vomitorium&quot;. Yeah, that, that's an interesting word. It means, or it was thought to have meant a place where the ancient Romans would all vomit during feasts to make room for more food, but that's just a misconception. It actually means a large colosseum passage that large crowds can exit through rapidly. Such as large crowds of vomit particles rapidly exiting a mouth, ''gaping in misery over a '''foul, wretched video game!''''' Anyway, ''The Immortal.'' Let's go.
:''[the Nerd walks through the door and discovers a group of skeletons.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Death. It is all death here. It began as a gamer's revelry. Those making merry, to open the game on birthdays and holidays with the flames of excitement and adventure in their eyes, but as the agonizing torment set in, as the game mercilessly chastised and dominated them, the instinct to survive faded as the flames in their eyes diminished, and one by one, the revelers all dropped to their knees. Challenge is one thing, but in this game, every step can be deadly; Arrows, flames, giant worms, and there's bats that blend with the dark backgrounds. I mean, how can you avoid something which you cannot see? Trap doors are everywhere, which is a cheap shot, no question about it. I mean, can, can I walk here, or will the floor swallow me? I mean, you'll never know. There's no strategy; no reward for skill. Thou must play it repeatedly to memorize where the pits are. These invisible pits are nothing but a cheap, mean-spirited beginner's trap meant to elicit false and ill-earned replay value.
:'''The Nerd:''' And also, if you touch ''anything,'' you die. Step on the wrong floor tile, you die. Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-- You search the same spot more than once, you die. You approach a ladder or try to climb down a hole from the wrong side, you die. You stand still for too long, you die. You see some tiny little pixel that might be something you can pick up? Nay! Chances are it is but death! In other words, bullshit of the lowest standard. And as mentioned, even thine inventory kills you. When you can't even trust the items, what ''can'' you do? Your character is vulnerable to everything, and for a game called ''The Immortal,'' it begs the question: Who is The Immortal? Because it's certainly not the main character.
:'''The Nerd:''' At one point, in the very first level, you get an amulet, which has an incantation on it. You're given the chance to read it, but if you pick &quot;Yes&quot;, you die. However, the amulet is required to beat the level, so don't read that! But I repeat, the item, that is required to beat the level, can also kill you! How could you make a game in the year of 1990 following a wealth of other games and ignore all that was done previously right? ''What art thou thinking?'' This was made by Electronic Arts? More like Electronic '''''FAAAAAAARTS!'''''
:''[the Nerd drops down to the floor and rests near a stone.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Ugh. And, just-- Oh, for...fucking hell, this forsaken dungeon. And if you thought this torture couldn't get any worse, it does, by enlightening you on how the game could have been better. It was originally made for PCs, like the Apple IIGS, the Amiga, the Atari ST and Sega Genesis. And it's no surprise the Genesis version is better, but all of them had much cleaner graphics. I mean, they're bright and they look more crisp, and plus, the other versions, especially the Genesis, had gore! Yeah! Fatalities, years before ''Mortal Kombat.'' Heads get sliced off, and, look at that, bodies get cut in half vertically, heads explode. I mean, this is-- this game had balls, but it was neutered on the NES. And wouldn't you think the NES, the flagship of all nostalgic video game consoles, would be home to an acceptable version of this? It was a good game. It was a good game. It even-- It even had gore! And-- And I was just playing a bad version all along on the NES. Ugh. ''[sobs angrily]'' Why? Why?! Ugh!
:'''The Nerd:''' Ohh, I-- I can't take it anymore! I thought I knew shit, but nothing could prepare me for this repulsive dung heap! It's a repetitive task, going through the same motions, only to progress one inch closer to the goal. It taunts you; The game knows. It allows you to get one step slightly further. It's like running a hundred-meter dash, but with a bungee cord attached. As soon as you make it near the finish line, it ''yanks'' you back. It's a journey so far travelled, yet barely have you gone forward.
:'''The Nerd:''' And however, if you do make it to the end by some miracle, you have to face a dragon. That's right, it always ends with a dragon. So with this dragon, you're powerless to fight him; you can only use defensive maneuvers. So what you need to do here...is dodge...six of the, the fire breaths with six blink spells. Now, you only have six blink spells, so if you miss one, then you're done; you have to start over. And this dragon, sometimes it shoots the fire right away, other times it leans back and, like, fakes you out. So, you have to memorize the pattern. And that's not all. There's a seventh breath where you have to use the fire protection spell, and again, it's all at a ''very specific time.'' If you miss it, it's over. And that's what sums up this game: just memorizing patterns, and knowing which items to use in which order, i-it's all cryptic trial of error. Just like ''Dragon's Lair.''
:'''The Nerd:''' Ohh, ''The Immortal'' will live on forever as a sadistic, demented electronic mechanism of human suffering. Ohh! Some masochistic alchemist invented this concoction of death traps, awkward combat, stiff controls, items that kill you, constantly dying and starting over. It only leaves you with frustration, anger, sadness and crippling disappointment, emotions that belong nowhere near video games. And when the manual's more fun to read than playing the actual game, you ''know'' you're in trouble. I long for a time when I knew not what this game was. I long for the ''Big Rigs,'' the LJNs, the Fred Fuchs of yesteryear! I rue the day I ever became trapped in ''The Immortal,'' '''''a game where I've stared at the same room so long, the pixelated walls have become my eternal home! I RUE THE DAY I WAS BORN UPON THIS EARTH WHICH HAD SPAWNED SUCH PRIMORDIAL, PUTRID ENGINEERS CAPABLE OF CREATING SOMETHING SO APOCALYPTICALLY HORRID!''''' ''[puts his hands on his chest and moans]'' '''''NEVER SHALL I TOUCH A GAME LIKE THIS AGAIN! I'd rather have a warlord...SHOVE A MORNINGSTAR UP MY ASS!''''' ''[a light comes on from off screen]'' Ah. The light. I must escape. This way.
:''[the Nerd walks away from the wall, and into a cave, where he comes face to face with a growling dragon.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Oh! ''[ducks]'' Oh, good lord! ''[ducks]'' Ah! Ah! Begone, vile fiend! ''[ducks]'' Ahh! Oh, my-- It's futile. I can't win. Smite me, you will. Incinerate me! Banish me to Hell if you wish! ''If Hell is the way out, then Hell it shall be! '''AAAAH!'''''
:''[the Nerd falls to the dragon's fire. The dragon flows off screen.]''

=== Spawn Games ===

=== The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask ===

== Season Fourteen ==

=== Raid 2020 ===

=== Mortal Kombat 1 Ports ===

=== Mortal Kombat Rip-Offs ===

=== Dennis the Menace ===

=== The Incredible Crash Dummies ===

=== Bad Final Fight Games ===

=== Mission Impossible ===

=== Ecco the Dolphin ===

=== Countdown Vampires ===

=== The Legend of Kage ===

=== Taito Legends ===

=== The Simpsons: Bartman Meets Radioactive Man ===

== Season Fifteen ==

=== Shrek: Fairy Tale Freakdown ===

=== Darkman ===

=== Fear and Loathing in Vegas Stakes ===

=== 3DO Interactive Player ===

=== Corpse Killer ===

=== Sega Game Gear VHS Tapes ===

=== Carmaggedon 64 ===

=== Pac-Man 2: The New Adventures ===

=== The Rocketeer ===

=== Greendog: The Beached Surfer Dude ===

=== Commodore 64 ===

=== Freddy and Jason Commodore 64 ===

=== LJN Games Part One (Movie Games) ===

=== LJN Games Part Two (Sports and Marvel Games) ===

=== LJN Games Part Three (Wrestling and Other Games) ===

== Season Sixteen ==

=== The Last Ninja (NES) ===

== External links==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Angry Video Game Nerd, The}}
[[Category:Internet shows]]</text>
      <sha1>m17j80yykcyx3sp2bxop2dftuxgiitr</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153548</id>
      <parentid>3153547</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T13:46:02Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:6C5A:87F:E9B8:F148:6766:1C06:5805</ip>
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      <comment>/* Fester's Quest */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="416212" xml:space="preserve">'''''[[w:The Angry Video Game Nerd|The Angry Video Game Nerd]]''''' is an Internet series based on a main character, the &quot;Nerd&quot;, created and portrayed by James D. Rolfe. In each episode, the Nerd reviews a terrible video game and rants about it using [[Profanity|profane language]]. Mike Matei helps Rolfe by playing guest characters in certain episodes (Bugs Bunny, The Joker, etc.). Kyle Justin sings and plays the theme song written by Rolfe.

The first two episodes were made in 2004 by Rolfe as a joke to his friends but in 2006, Matei suggested to Rolfe that it should become a regular series.

== Pilots ==

=== [[w:Castlevania II: Simon's Quest|Castlevania II: Simon's Quest]] ===

:''[First line of the series]''
:'''AVGN''': This game sucks. Castlevania I and III are great classic Nintendo games, but for ''[[w: Castlevania II: Simon's Quest|Castlevania II: Simon's Quest]],''  the game designers obviously were not thinking straight.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(complaining about how the game regularly interrupts itself with long, unskippable day-to-night transitions with a text box saying &quot;'''WHAT A HORRIBLE NIGHT TO HAVE A CURSE.'''&quot;)'' Why does this need to happen so often? Like, every five minutes? Why does it take so long? Nobody feels like sitting through this every time. How would you like it if you were playin' a game and then every five minutes I came over, and paused it, then counted ten tedious seconds, and then let you continue play the game? Now, I mean, why did they think that that would be a good idea and interrupt the gameplay, did they think it would be more realistic? I mean, in real life I don't have to stop in my tracks when the sun sets and a fuckin' box doesn't pop up in the air. I mean, this is one of the most annoying features in any game ever. What's the point? Yeah, the, I mean, the monsters are stronger at night and the stores are closed, but why's that necessary and why does the game have to stop? It's fuckin' retarded. And why do you have to die when you fall in the water? That's the stupidest thing I've ever seen. [[w:List_of_Castlevania_characters#Simon Belmont|This guy]] can go all over fightin' hordes of evil monsters, but he can't even fuckin' swim?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN:''' Oh, look, I finally got enough hearts to go and buy a plant that I need to cross the swamp, now let me get to the store. ''(nighttime falls)''  Oh shit, it's fuckin' night time, now the stores are all closed and I have to wait for it to turn day again. Oh well, I might as well kill some zombies in the meantime and stock up on some more hearts. ''(falls into water and dies)'' OH SHIT! Now I gotta start all over again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Here, in the dungeons, there's books that you may find which actually give you clues about things in the game that you may need to know about. But, when I find these books, half the time it's by accident, so I may hit the button and cancel it out which means I don't even get to read it and I don't have a second chance. Why can't I do that when it changes from day to night? That would actually be helpful. So, what the game designers figured is this: it isn't absolutely necessary for me to read about how to find Dracula's castle or what I'm supposed to do with an Oak Stake, but what I do need to read, again and again constantly, is: &quot;The morning sun has vanquished the horrible night&quot;. How about ''&quot;vanquished this horrible GAME&quot;?''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(using the password feature to skip to the end of the game and having to input 16 characters)'' The only sure way to get through this awful game is to enter a code, but even that is way more tedious than it should be. While most of the ''Castlevania'' games have symbols you enter for a code, this one just has a whole bunch of numbers. I mean, like, one of those [four-character]little parts would be enough for a password. But why four? Like why so many? In general, I hate games that have passwords like this, because sometimes they have uppercase and lowercase letters. Like the l's, you know, look like I's, the 0's look like O's, the 8's look like 5's so, why does there have to be so many digits? Y'know, like why can't it just be numbers or somethin'? Like, y' know, just numbers and not letters? I mean, it takes me, like, five minutes to enter this code when it should only take, like, five seconds. It's friggin' stupid. Okay, so, say we enter the code, and we go to Dracula's castle. You'll be pretty disappointed how anticlimactic this game is. It isn't even worth putting in a code, let alone playing the whole game all the way through, which, if you did, I feel bad for you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': What a piece of shit. I mean, I feel horrible that I had to play this game in order to make this video, but I did it to demonstrate its dreadfulness and I forced myself to play it just so that you don't have to. So, you should thank me for telling you to stay away from this horrible steaming pile of goat shit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Thank you for listening, good night. The ending sucks too.

=== [[w:Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (video game)|Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde]] ===
:'''AVGN''':  ''[[w:Pong|Pong]]'' is better. Pong is only, like, three lines and a ball. Those little [[w:Tiger Electronics|Tiger]], like, electronic wrist games, ''those'' are better than Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. It makes no fucking sense! It's like, what were they thinking? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''[looking at the cartridge]'' Here it is, here's the piece of shit game. ''[looks at the price tag, which reads 89 cents]'' Who the hell spent this much fuckin' money on this game?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''':  I mean, if you ever find the game, if you ever see it, smash it. Smash it with a hammer. Smash it 'til every tiny fragment is, like, is so small it's invisible. I mean... you'd rather superglue your fuckhole shut than play that game. You'd rather drown in gasoline. You'd rather... you know, th-the thing is... you think I'm joking, like I'm trying to be funny or something. No, the fact that that game exists is a horrible abomination of mankind. That game is so fucking horrible, and I am not kidding. I am dead fuckin' serious. ''[close-up of the Nerd]'' DEAD... FUCKIN'... SERIOUS. ''[fade-out as the Nerd nervously laughs]''

== Season One ==

=== [[w:The Karate Kid (video game)|The Karate Kid]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': I ''hate'' this game. I mean, it makes me wanna kill myself. Now, the only comforting thing to know is that everybody seems to share my frustration. ''Karate Kid'' is a game, that has haunted many of our childhoods. I mean, everybody has the same story: &quot;I loved the movie, so I got the Nintendo game, and I couldn't stand it, yet I had to keep on playing it, because I had to beat it.&quot; So, what is it about this game, that's drawn so many unfortunate kids to turn into bitter adults, reminiscing on their angry childhood; screamin' at the TV, throwin' the controllers? I mean, anybody who has beaten this incredibly hard piece of shit will not have any sense of satisfaction but, rather regrets, because it is a complete waste of fuckin' time. I mean, it's like coming out of a brutal fight, being the winner, but achieving nothing for all your troubles but some bloody bruises and broken bones. It's just not worth it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': (''dies in a pit'') I hate this game, but why am I playing it? Well, that's the question everyone has asked themselves. And they all have the same reason: because you're angry and you wanna win. You wanna beat the Nintendo, but the cold fact is that nobody cares but you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Man, I guess they decided because the game's only four levels long, it better be the hardest four levels ever. Well, how 'bout this, how about if I made a game where there's just this one cliff you have to jump over and it's like nearly impossible, but if you do it, you win the game and that's it. I mean, what the hell were they thinkin' with this piece of shit? What the hell? Now, if you're a serious Nintendo collector, do yourself a favor, don't get this game, because it's not worth it. I mean, it's made many lives miserable and, y'know, if you see it on sale for a dollar, just stay away. Don't even touch it. ''[spits on cartridge and flushes it down the toilet.]''

=== [[w:Who Framed Roger Rabbit (Nintendo Entertainment System)|Who Framed Roger Rabbit]] ===
:'''AVGN''': ''(talking to a lady after punching her)'' &quot;'''CAN YOU HELP ME'''&quot;, &quot;'''GO AWAY, YOU HORRID MAN'''&quot;... how about &quot;Go away, you HORRID GAME!&quot;?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(gets game over and sees a 20 character password)'' And look at this! Th-this is the longest password ever! Would it have killed them to make this any shorter? It takes forever! Like, why should any game, take like ten minutes to type in the fuckin' password?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(calling Jessica Rabbit on the phone)'' This is Jessica Rabbit? Well, I got your number and I'm callin' just to say &quot;FUCK YOU!&quot;
:'''Jessica Rabbit''': I hope you're proud of yourself!
:'''AVGN''': Yeah, well, I hope you're proud of yourself, and you know what I mean, ya fuckin' whore.
:'''Jessica Rabbit''': I'm not bad. I'm just drawn that way.
:'''AVGN''': Yeah, well, wait 'til I draw your suicide note in your own blood, you bunny fuckin' bitch. I'm comin' over and I'm gonna kill you. I'm gonna kill your whole motherfuckin' family! ''(returns to playing the game)'' Alright, well now I got that out of my system, let's continue with the game.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': All right, the game sucks, end of story; I wanna nail Roger Rabbit to the fuckin' cross.

=== [[w:Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1989 video game)|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]] ===
:'''AVGN''': You may even think I'm tryin' to compare it to the sequels, which are far superior. Two-player, arcade action, beat up a bunch of Foot Soldiers. Good stuff. But, this first one is garbage

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': April O'Neil says: &quot;You have my support.&quot; Okay. What the hell did she ever do for you? Stupid banana raincoat wearin' bitch.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(in the sewers level, as an enemy causes the on-screen turtle to fall in rushing water)'' Ughhh, you son of a fuck! And you know what pisses me off? They're turtles, for fuck's sakes! They can't even swim?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Aw, you fuckrat! This is just a bunch of cockadookie, this is bullfuck.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Cowabunga... Cow-a-FUCKIN' PIECE OF DOGSHIT! This game is diarrhea comin' outta my dick! This game is as appealing as a fuckin' ooze-infested dirty fuckin' sewer rat shit! I've had more fun playing with dog turds! [[w:Shredder (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Shredder's]] my ass and [[w:Splinter (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Splinter's]] my balls! This game is an inside-out asshole regurgitating putrid anal fecal matter! I'd rather fuckin' yank all the hairs out of my scrotum! I'd rather drink diarrhea vomited out of a buffalo's anus! It suckin' fucks, it fuckin' sucks, IT FUCKIN' BLOWS, IT'S A PIECEASHIT... and I don't like it.

=== [[w:Back to the Future (NES video game)|Back to the Future]] ===
:'''AVGN''': ''(on the repetitive music)'' I'd rather have a fucking buffalo take a diarrhea dump in my ear than subject them to this horrendous garbage.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(on the nonsensical in-game representation of Hill Valley and all the obstacles Marty McFly must deal with)'' What happened here? Is this Hill Valley or is it Hell?
:'''Doc Brown:''' No, it's Hill Valley, although I can't imagine Hell being much worse!

&lt;hr width =&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Like, if I just shat into a bag, and wrote ''&quot;Back to the Future&quot;'' on it, that would be the same as this awful piece of shit. It brings my piss to a boil. What a piece of shit! I'll never play it again, either. It's my last time. ''(scoffs)'' I'd rather eat out the rotten asshole of a roadkill skunk than play this game, ever again. And I'm dead serious, too. And do you know what's worse? You know what's - what's really worse? Guess what? There's a sequel!
:'''Marty:''' NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
:'''AVGN''': ''playing [[w:Back to the Future II &amp; III|Back to the Future II &amp; III]]'' Yes, it's true. ''Back to the Future II &amp; III''. Two shitty games for the price of one. Let's check it out.

=== [[w:M.C. Kids|M.C. Kids]] ===
:'''AVGN''': So there's Ronald with his magic bag... bag of hallucinogenic drugs. I always thought that clown was one scary motherfucker.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Then you go to Grimace's board. Here's Grimace, the big purple fuck. Look at his house! It looks like Barney the Dinosaur's testicle.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': It never ends with this game; it’s just like an infinite turd coming out of my ass.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(Explaining a 1-Up gathering trick)'' So if you have an hour to waste, then, there you go. Have fun. You're completely wasting your time, anyway, if playing this game, as I am. Let alone make a fucking video about it. Some people like to call 1-ups &quot;extra guys&quot; or &quot;free mans&quot;. I like to call 'em life insurance.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(At the end of the review)'' Toasty!

=== [[w:Wally Bear and the NO! Gang|Wally Bear and the NO! Gang]] ===
:'''AVGN''': And what's this button for? &quot;PRESS HERE&quot;? Seriously, press here? What for? I mean is it supposed to be telling you how to push the game down? Like, how to put the game into the system? Well, I-I can't really push on it when it's inside the Nintendo. You know, did they really think kids are that stupid? I mean, it should just say, &quot;PRESS HERE, YOU DUMB FUCK!&quot; Like some kid's gonna be like, &quot;Uhhh, duhh, how do I put the game in?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Back in the '80s, it seemed like there were all these characters tryin' to keep kids off of drugs. Whether it was [[w:McGruff the Crime Dog|Mcgruff]], or [[w:Pee-wee Herman|Pee-wee]], or [[w:Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue|the combined efforts of Alf, Michaelangelo, Bugs Bunny and Miss Piggy]] And... this game, I'm sure it didn't help kids stay off drugs at all. In fact, I'm sure the people who made it were on something. So, avoid it at all costs, unless... you are fucked up on drugs. So in that case, let's say NO to drugs... ''(drinking his Rolling Rock)'' and let's say NO to this fuckin' game.

=== [[w:Master Chu and the Drunkard Hu|Master Chu and the Drunkard Hu]] ===
:'''AVGN''': So, yeah, it's a weird game, and you can just tell just by the cartridge. It's one of those weird baby blue cartridges, so you can tell right of the bat that it's a big piece of fucking shit.
:'''Shit Pickle''': Pickle.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': There's only one reason to buy this game. And that's to be able to say, &quot;I own ''Master Chu and the Drunkard Hu'',&quot; so people can awkwardly stare at you.
:'''Shit Pickle''': Shit-pickle-shit-pickle-shit-pickle-shit-pickle.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(Shit Pickle plays the game.)'' So, what do you think?
:'''Shit Pickle''': Shit!
:'''AVGN''': Exactly.

=== [[w:Top Gun (video game)|Top Gun]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': (on the landing sequence) You know, it's like every time I get to this part, I think I might have a chance. This is gonna be it. I'm finally going to land the plane. ''(reading the on-screen directions)'' '''&quot;Speed down. Left, left. Speed up. Right, right! Speed up! Speed down! Left, left! Speed up! Speed down. Up, up! Up, up!&quot;''' I'm hitting up.
''[The Nerd sweats profusely getting closer to the TV. The plane misses the aircraft carrier and crashes into the ocean''.]
:'''The Nerd''': '''''ASSSS! FUUUUCK!'''''

=== [[w: Double Dragon III|Double Dragon III]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Ooh, I know what you're thinking. &quot;How dare you pick on ''Double Dragon''?&quot; But I'm not. [[w:Double Dragon|''Double Dragon'']]'s awesome! So is [[w:Double Dragon II|''Double Dragon II: The Revenge'']]. But ''Double Dragon III: The Sacred Stones'' is just a fucking waste.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(Playing the two-player game, on the introductory cutscene)'' Now, just like the one-player game, it starts off with the story sequence, but this time it shows both the Double Dragons, Billy and Jimmy Lee. Oh, wait... '''''Bimmy and Jimmy'''?'' How'd they make a mistake like this!? '''''Bimmy''''' isn't even a real name! How did this happen!? They didn't even proofread this shitty game before they released it? '''''Bimmy and Jimmy?''''' I'm sorry, I just can't get over that. '''''Bimmy and Jimmy.''''' There's a typo in a Nintendo game, let alone a fucking ''Double Dragon'' game, and it's the first screen!

=== [[w:Friday the 13th (NES game)|Friday the 13th]] ===
:'''AVGN''': Oh, fffuck! Look at the map. I've just been walkin' in the wrong fuckin' direction. What a wonderful game! The bare basics of left and right do not apply. And that's why this game is so great, because it's free from all logic. Logic is for pussies!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(commenting on the game over screen)'' That's ingenious. That's... the best Game Over screen I ever saw. For real, I'm actually being dead serious! DEAD FUCKIN' SERIOUS. That's brilliant, right? ''(looks at Jason)'' &quot;You and your friends are dead. Game Over.&quot; It's priceless. Like, I can't believe it! Isn't that a mean thing to say to kids? Nobody ever ''dies'' in Nintendo. They're either &quot;defeated&quot; or they... turn into an item and like, float away. But here comes a game, like ''Friday the 13th'', that just cuts the bullshit, shows some balls, comes flat out and says: &quot;You're fuckin' dead... ''and'' your friends, too.&quot; Beautiful. And what if there was a sequel? It would have to say somethin' even worse. Like, I got it. I got a good idea of what it should say. It should say:
:'''&quot;You're dead.'''
:'''Your friends are dead.'''
:'''Your family's dead.'''
:'''Your fuckin' pets are bein' skinned alive.'''
:'''Your mom's a fuckin' whore.'''
:'''You suck at life.'''
:'''The whole world hates you.'''
:'''You're goin' to hell.'''
:'''Live with it.'''
:'''Game Over.&quot;'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I'd rather play ''Doom'' on Atari. I'd rather play ''Halo'' on a Tiger Electronics wrist game. I'd rather drown in diarrhea. I'd rather fuckin' eat my fuckin' balls off and puke 'em out my fuckin' ass! I'd rather piss a cactus out of my dick! The music is fuckin' worse than life itself, and I'd turn the volume down except for the fact that I have to hear the Jason Alarm! It's all just a test of patience, and it can kiss ''my fuckin’ asshole!''

=== [[w:A Nightmare on Elm Street (video game)#video games|A Nightmare on Elm Street]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': Could the villains be any more stock? Like, we have this creepy game about Freddy. What kind of creepy characters can we add? Well, how about bats, ghosts, spiders, skeletons, Frankensteins for the kiddies? Could it be any more un-creative than that? Like, why don't they just add some witches, black cats, and flying jack-o'-lanterns? They should've just called the game &quot;Boo! Haunted House!&quot; Which is probably what they originally had in mind, until they thought, &quot;No, wait, make it about [[w:Freddy Kreuger|Freddy]]. We already ruined ''Friday the 13th,'' now let's do the same thing to ''Nightmare on Elm Street.&quot;'' And that's right. It's by the same company. We're not gonna say who it is, but it stands for &quot;[[w:LJN|Laughin' Jokin' Numbnuts]].&quot;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, God! Is Freddy comin'? He sure is! Of all the shitty things in this game, this screen is so cheesy that it's just awesome. But it's ruined by the fuckin' trademark symbol! ''[zooms in on the trademark symbol next to Freddy's name]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': You know what's really weird? That this game was actually capable of a 4-player mode using an accessory that allows four controllers to be connected to your Nintendo Entertainment System? Now, I can't imagine having four people playing this game. Who's gonna want to play this piece of shit? I'm lucky if I can get one other person! I have a better chance of cloning myself.
:''[Four Nerds play the game together, yelling things such as &quot;This is fuckin' fuck!&quot;, &quot;It's diarrhea fuck!&quot;, &quot;This game is horrible!&quot;, &quot;Diarrhea fuck.&quot;, &quot;It sucks!&quot;, &quot;It's fuck!&quot;, &quot;It's balls!&quot;, &quot;What a piece of fuck.&quot;, &quot;What a fuckload of fuck.&quot;, and &quot;What a piece of fuckin' fuck.&quot;]''
:'''Back Nerd''': Hey, wait. Wait, wait, wait. I just cloned myself. I'm in a dream, I can do whatever I want, so why don't we all just stop playin' this fuckin' game?
:'''Left Nerd''': Yeah.
:'''Back Nerd''': So, the fuck with that fuck.
:'''Right Nerd''': Yeah, the fuck with that... godfuckingdamn fuck.
:'''True Nerd''': The fuck with that godfuckingdamn... '''''fuckin'''''' fuck.
:'''Left Nerd''': &lt;big&gt;'''''THE FUCK WITH THAT GODFUCKINGDAMN MOTHERFUCKIN' BULLFUCK!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''True Nerd''': Relax.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Freddy Krueger''': Whoa! Look at me! I'm the fuckin' Nerd! What a piece of fuck! Buffalo diarrhea fuckfarts! You see, Nerd? Nobody makes you play these games but yourself. So, you're your own damn nightmare. Now, you're gonna die.
:'''The Nerd''': Go yank your cock through your fuck, you fuckin' butt mongrel: I got the ''Power Glove!''

=== [[w:Power Glove|Power Glove]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': [[w:The Wizard (1989 film)|I love the Power Glove. It's so bad.]] And I mean ''bad''. This thing is bad. Why need a glove to play a game? What's wrong with this? ''[grabs the regular NES controller]'' Huh? I don't know. I thought this was okay, playing it, you know, with a controller. So if anything, the Power Glove, it's an interesting experiment in gaming technology. But too bad they were just fuckin' jerkin' off! Like, why does it suck so bad? Well, I have one complaint, ''[flashes middle finger]'' ''one fuckin' complaint'' about this glove; It doesn't work.  Now, what's the most important aspect about any game? Well, being able to fuckin' play it!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[Plays [[w:Jackal (video game)|Jackal]] and reads the opening screen's text]'' &quot;'''This battle will make your blood boil. Good luck!'''&quot; &quot;Good luck&quot; is right. I'm using the fuckin' Power Glove.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[plays [[w:Rad Racer|Rad Racer]] with the Power Glove]'' You know what's really cool about ''Rad Racer?'' That if you push &quot;Select&quot;... ''[pushes &quot;Select&quot;]'' ...the game goes ''3D.'' I'm playing ''Rad Racer'' with the Power Glove ''and'' 3D glasses. Ya can't get any more rad than that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Wow. Playing ''[[w:Top Gun (video game)#Original releases|Top Gun]]'' with the Power Glove. [[The Angry Video Game Nerd#Toxic Crusaders|It's like pukin' on a pile of shit]]. [in-game, &quot;'''TO LANDING SEQUENCE'''&quot;] Oh, my God. What the fuck am I doing? I'm tryin' to land the plane in Top Gun with the Power Glove? I can't even land it with the regular controller. ''[he manages to successfully land the plane; surprised, he takes a quick glance at the Power Glove, and looks back at the screen]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': If you want to bring a totally new element of challenge to your Nintendo games, try the Power Glove, 'cause it sure makes everything a lot harder. It's just a barely functional contraption designed to rip off little kids. It's the biggest scam since the Atari 5200 controller. The only kids who owned this were usually the richer ones who thought they were cool. Well, they're not cool. I'm not cool, either. Look at me. You think I'm cool? I've got a fuckin' glove on my hand. I'm tryin' to play a fuckin' game with it. I look like an idiot with [[w:A Fistful of Dollars|a fistful of fuck.]] ''[pretends to shoot his fingers off with the grey 1985 NES Zapper, leaving only his middle finger, which he flashes.]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Now you're playing with power. Now you're playing with fuckin' fuck! You're better off fuckin' fuck than fuckin' with this fucked-up fuck! Fuck this fuck! You don't know fuck about how fuckin' fucky this fuckin' fuck is! It's so bad it sucks. It's so fuckin' suck it fucks! And I...can't take it anymore. ''[holds bottle of Rolling Rock which he drinks while wearing the Power Glove, accompanied by the &quot;Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!!&quot; Game Over Theme]''

=== Chronologically Confused ===
:'''AVGN''': ''(talking about the [[w:Mega Man|Mega Man]] series)'' What's this? Mega Man Battle network series? [[w:Mega Man 64|Mega Man 64]]? Did they really make it that far? No, that was just the Nintendo 64's stupid gimmick of putting 64 at the end of every fucking title.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': So when [[w:Final Fantasy VII|Final Fantasy VII]] came out, they just called it Final Fantasy VII and that's when the confusion began. I wondered what the fuck happened to IV V and VI?! But what I really should've been wondering, little did I know, what the fuck happened to II III and V? And once I figured that out, I was like,&quot;So there were other Final Fantasy games we didn't know about?&quot; I was playing VI all along and not III? What a fuckin' bunch of fuckin' bullfuck!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The Star Trek series did the same thing. Right now, there's ten of them. Star Trek I-VI were all numbered. But when they stopped using the original cast from the show and started using the cast from Star Trek: The Next Generation, they dropped the numbers from the films and called them: Star Trek Generations, Star Trek First Contact, Star Trek Insurrection and Star Trek Nemesis. Okay, well that's real fine. But where did the fucking numbers go? If they couldn't call Star Trek Generations, Star Trek VII then why didn't they call it Star Trek The Next Generation off the show and then call the next one Star Trek The Next Generation II and just start a new line of sequels? 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The title of [[w:Bruce Lee|Bruce Lee's]] first film was called ''[[w:The Big Boss|The Big Boss]]'', but when they released it in the U.S., the American distributors or whoever was responsible decided to change the title to ''Fists of Fury''. Well okay, that's just fine, but the next one happened to be called ''[[w:Fist of Fury|Fist Of Fury]]''. So, uh oh, we fucked up! What are we going to call it here in the U.S.? We can't call it ''Fist of Fury'' because we changed the last one to ''Fists of Fury''. Call it ''The Chinese Connection'' and from now on, just call the movies whatever the fuck they're originally called.

=== [[w:Rocky (1987 video game)|Rocky]] ===
:'''AVGN''': ''(Regarding the training sequences)'' Cock-a-fuckin'-doodle-ass-shit-suckin'-bullfuck! This is fuckin' boring!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(On the convoluted controls as described in the game manual)'' So did you get that? Well, let me sum it up. It stinks!
:'''Rocky''': That's right, it stinks!
:'''AVGN''': It's a bunch of putrid anal shit coming out of a rhinoceros' asshole. It fucks up the fuck, fucks out the mouth, piss out the nose, dookie out the ear, diarrhea out the dick, fucks for the birds! The control in this game... is pooh-pooh.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': This game is fuck. I'd rather take a bath in elephant feces. I'd rather eat raw eggs.

=== Bible Games ===
:'''AVGN''': ''(Playing [[w:Bible Adventures|Bible Adventures]], reviewing &quot;Noah's Ark&quot;; regarding the character Noah, who literally picks up animals and puts them in the ark in the game)'' I just can't get over that. He's an old man, and not only does he pick the animals up, he lifts them over his head! It doesn't even slow him down. How could such an old man be so strong? Have you ever tried to lift a horse? Not that easy. What the shit!? Let alone a horse and an ox!? Or fuck! A horse, a cow, and two oxen!? What the fuckin' shit!? Noah's so goddamn strong, he puts [[w:The Incredible Hulk|The Hulk]] to shame. And the poor creatures, they're so scared shitless, they don't even try to get away. Noah, man. Nobody fucks with him. Not even [[w:Chuck Norris|Chuck Norris]]!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(Reviewing &quot;David and Goliath&quot;)'' And you know what? All three games use the same music. You'd rather listen to your own infant son puking to death. That is, choking on his own puke-chunks. ''(long pause)'' That's disgusting. I apologize.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(reviewing [[w:Bible Buffet|Bible Buffet]] on NES, responding to its in-game voice clips)'' That voice is just crazy! I-I dunno what it is, but it just sounds out of place. Not that anything is ''in'' place, but I dunno. It's so rare to hear such a clear voice in a Nintendo game. But I suppose it's also rare for Nintendo to have a Bible game with no references to the Bible, resembling Atari, that's all about food trying to kill you, yet it's also a board game rip-off with quizzes that you can't answer, and, if it's a Bible game, why do you blow a snowman's head off? Whatever happened to &quot;[[Book of Exodus|Thou shall not kill]]&quot;? Please, somebody tell me! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''[ [[w:Invisible Touch (song)|Invisible Touch]] is heard in the background]'' So let's play another bible game. It's the Book of Genesis on [[w:Sega Genesis|Sega Genesis]]. And the soundtrack is [[w:Genesis (band)|Genesis]]. ...I'm just making this up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''[Playing [[w:Super 3D Noah's Ark|Super Noah's Ark 3D]]]'' Listen to how cheerful the music is. ''(Theme from Super 3D Noah's ark plays)'' Wow, that's great. It's just what you need is some really upbeat music to go along with Noah getting murdered by a bunch of fucking goats!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I’d rather fuck a porcupine and shove a cactus up my ass! I'd rather slurp crap oozing out of a warthog's anus-hole! It's just a bunch of poopy diarrhea doodoo ass-shit!

== Season Two ==

=== [[w:Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III Part One]] ===

:'''The Nerd''': (sighs) ''Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III'' ''(he slaps the tape back into its case as it starts to fall out)'' SUCKS SHIT! Not even regular shit. Putrid, barfed-out roadkill diarrhea shit. Now you might be sayin', &quot;Well that's your opinion.&quot; Well yeah, it is. It's my opinion, that it's a motherfuckin' fact, that this pile of dog shit called ''Ninja Turtles III'' is the most god-awful disgrace in human existence! Now, I know you've seen a lot of bad movies. But, no, let me tell you, this movie is '''BAD.''' Like, how bad? Like, is it the worst of the ''Turtles'' trilogy? Oh, undeniably, but that's not the point. My point, is that this is the worst fuckin' movie I've ever seen in my life! Now, I can tell you from the perspective of a 12-year-old and a 26-year-old, that it needs to rot in Hell, in Satan's asshole. Now what I mean by that is I was 12 the first time I saw the movie, in the theaters in 1993, and I was such a big Turtle fan, I just accepted it. I just held the truth inside. And, you know it's just been tearin' away at me all these years. And now, lookin' back at it, I just gotta come clean and honest, man. I just gotta let it all out. THIS MOVIE... is '''FUCKIN' TERRIBLE!''' ''(punches the tape)''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': &quot;Why was there no subtitle in the movie?&quot; They subtitled the last movie. Well, I have an answer. Look under that title. You see that blank, empty space? Let that be an indication of the blank, empty imagination employ within and the void it left in our hearts.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(criticizing the inferior animatronics)'' Is this movie made for little kids? Well, I guess it is, so the joke's on me. The worst of all is Splinter. He looks like fuckin' roadkill! And I guess they never finished him because you only see his upper body. He's like a puppet that should be used on Sesame Street. Even worse is his voice!
:'''Splinter''': Have patience, my son.
:'''AVGN''': What an assload of fuck! Well, everything sucks.

=== [[w:Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III Part Two]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''[on Walker's death scene]'' Now, I gotta pause this because I gotta ask, how many times have you seen this shot in a movie? Way too fuckin' much. It was one of the biggest clichés of the time. What happened at the end of Batman? The Joker falls, same shot. What happens at the end of Dick Tracy? Big Boy falls, same thing. But Turtles III takes this cliché to a whole new level. I mean, a whole new level. Watch what happens when Walker hits the water.
:''[Walker screams while he falls to his death, and the water splashes]''
:'''The Nerd''': Did you see that? Here it goes again.
:''[The scene is repeated]''
:'''The Nerd''': There's no splash. Instead, he disappears. But he doesn't disappear. He like, implodes into himself. I'm really stunned, like why'd they do this? They couldn't do a special effect for a splash? But, what they could do is make him implode. Now, if you couldn't make a splash, why couldn't you just cut away, and then, just leave the sound of the splash? That would've actually been more effective. I can re-edit it right now. Watch.
:''[Walker screams while he falls to his death, and the scene cuts to the Turtles with the sound of the splash intact]''
:'''The Nerd:''' See? That's all they had to do, so why make the weird imploding effect? What were they thinking?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Cowabunga. Cowa-fuckin'-piece-of-dog-fuck! I'd rather watch fuck oozing out of a buffalo's fuckhole. I'd rather fucking puke diarrhea up my dick. It fucking sucks so much fucking suck, it fucks. It fucking sucks so much cocksucker motherfucker bullfuck that...well, something must be done.
:''[The Nerd takes the movie, looks at it, then sets on floor before taking out a katana. He braces it, aims it, then splits the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III VHS tape in two. Then he switches to a hammer.]''
:'''The Nerd''':  IT'S HAMMER TIME!
:''[He smashes the video until all of it is smashed to bits, and he sighs angrily. The camera pans to see the destruction of the VHS copy of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III, accompanied by the level complete music from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for the NES, before the scene fades to black.]''

=== [[w:Atari 5200|Atari 5200]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Look at how huge this beast is, it's ginormous! And why is there a door on it? Is this a video game console, or a fucking closet? Even the AC Adapter weighs a million tons.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': What's the most important aspect about any fucking game? Well, being able to fucking play it. And what do you need to fucking play it? A fucking controller! So what do you do when the controller doesn't work? You're fucked! This is the reason the system failed. ''This.'' In the name of God, Heaven and Hell; everything in between, every creature on Earth; by the far reaches of the Galaxy; by the inner rings on the Universe and... every Megaverse and the Ultraverse, let it be known. Let the word be known. This controller... is ''fuckin' horrible''!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Then there's all these numeric buttons. Like, what the shit is this? Is this thing a phone? Like, what is all this for? Is it, like, talking to intergalactic space aliens, flying fuckernauts or astrobastards?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''[unable to play the Atari 5200 due to defective controllers]''  As for the 5200, there's third party controllers made for replacing the shitty controller that the system came with. So let's take a trip into the cyber world known as the internet and take a look. ''[Goes to his computer and the Ebay website. Finds a listing that says &quot;ATARI 5200 CONTROLLER - Works fucking better!&quot;]''

=== [[w:Ghostbusters (video game)|Ghostbusters]]===
:'''The Nerd:''' So, I just wanted to take you back to the '80s, when ''Ghostbusters'' and Nintendo were the best things in the world. Now, the Nintendo Entertainment System, I believe needs no introduction. So, when we heard that a ''Ghostbusters'' '''game''' for Nintendo was coming out, we were so excited we shit our pants. Literally, ''shit'' came out our asses and we rocketed through the roof! It was two of our favorite things comin' together, should have been like bread and butter. But more like dead skunk and dog shit! ''(He inserts the cartridge into the NES.)'' You pop this piece of crap in, expecting ''Ghostbusters,'' and whaddya get? Well, ''Ghostbusters''. Got the logo there, looks promising enough. But are you willing to bet that it's gonna get really bad once you start playin'? Yeah, well, guess what? It gets bad as soon as you press the Start button. ''(The Nerd presses the Start button) '' ''(an extremely low-bit &quot;GHOSTBUSTERS!&quot; sound can be heard on the TV)'' The fuck was that?! ''(the low-bit &quot;GHOSTBUSTERS!&quot; repeats)'' &quot;Gowsht Bushterrrsh!&quot; ''(the low-bit &quot;GHOSTBUSTERS!&quot; repeats again)'' Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not tryna to criticize the game for its lack of voice clarity, but ya hear how bad this sounds? Let this set the tone for the rest of the game.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(Game starts)'' So, here's the main screen. This is it. This is ''Ghostbusters'' on Nintendo. This is my wasted childhood you're lookin' at. I don't even need to comment. Just look at it, it's shits for the birds! Okay, we gotta come up with a game about ''Ghostbusters'', what can we do? How about just have the ''Ghostbusters'' logo floatin' around playin' tag with cute, little yellow ghosts? So if you like ''Ghostbusters'', it's right up your alley. More like up your ASS!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Does there exist any store that sells... a ghost vacuum? Let's find out. ''(The Nerd turns on his cellphone and punches in a phone number)''
:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;Hi, do you sell vacuums?&quot;
:'''Manager:''' &quot;Uh, yes.&quot;
:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;Um, yeah, uh, I'm lookin' for a special kinda vacuum. It's like, shaped like a funnel, sorta.&quot;
:'''Manager:''' &quot;Hmm, what kind of vacuum?&quot;
:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;It's like, shaped like a funnel, like you put it on the roof of your car.&quot;
:'''Manager:''' &quot;You want a vacuum to clean your car?&quot;
:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;No, you put it '''on''' the top of your car... like while you're drivin'...?&quot;
:'''Manager:''' &quot;To, t-,t-, you want a vacuum to clean?&quot;
:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;No, y'know, these vacuums are for catchin' ghosts...&quot; ''(The Nerd struggles to contain laughter)''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Oh please, Game Genie, grant me three wishes!

=== [[w:Ghostbusters video games|Ghostbusters Followup]] ===

:'''The Nerd''': ''[when he talks about the ending of Ghostbusters on NES]'' Well, first of all, &quot;'''Conglaturation !!!'''&quot; is spelled wrong, but it's not even a simple typo. Two letters in two different places are wrong which probably means they really didn't know how to spell it. So that's 20 points off for that just because it's such an atrocious misspelling. But then why isn't it plural? You don't usually say &quot;Congratulation.&quot;, you say &quot;Congratulation''s''&quot;. So technically it's got nothing to do with the spelling, it's a different error altogether. So that's another ten points for that. Then, &quot;'''You have completed a great game.'''&quot;!? Well that's just simply wrong, 20 points for that statement. Even if it was a great game, it shouldn't have to announce it. So then you have a punctuation error, because the next sentence begins with &quot;'''And'''&quot;. Then you got an extra O in &quot;'''prooved'''&quot;. And proved what? &quot;'''prooved the justice of our culture.'''&quot;? So it's saying that you proved that our culture has justice? I don't know. &quot;'''Now go and rest our heroes !'''&quot; Instead of &quot;Now go and rest, comma, our heroes&quot;, it's telling you to go rest our heroes. Okay, well, sorry to say but we had to take off 90 points. But hey, a score of 10% means that there's still hope. But wait, is there any reason that there's one exclamation mark here (at Heroes !) and then there's three up there (after Conglaturation !!!)? That's another 10 points off for lack of consistency with a total score of zero. F-minus. It should have said...

:'''Congratulations!'''
:'''You had the patience to sit through this awful game.'''
:'''You proved your nerdiness.'''
:'''Now go fuck yourself!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''The Nerd''': ''(reviewing ''Ghostbusters'' on the Sega Master System, commenting on how the controllable logo leaves black dots on the streets it crosses)'' I don't exactly understand the idea of dropping poop everywhere you go. Thought the Ghostbusters are in a car, not a horse and buggy.

=== [[w:Ghostbusters video games|Ghostbusters Conclusion]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''[Playing [[w:Ghostbusters II (NES)|''Ghostbusters 2'']] for [[w:Nintendo Entertainment System|NES]], commenting on its level setup]'' And that's what I'm fuckin' talking about. ''Ghostbusters'' should be nothing more complicated than just running around, zapping ghosts! So it's a huge, '''''huge''''' improvement over the first game. But that's not saying much. It still sucks monkey fuck and pukes diarrhea up your fucking asshole. And that's interesting, because the movie [[w:Ghostbusters II|''Ghostbusters II'']] is definitely inferior to the first one. So, I guess the formula works like this: A good movie equals... a shitty, fuckin' game. ''But,'' ''[throws game to ground]'' a ''not''-so-good movie equals a game... that's not ''as'' shitty.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' It's also stupid that A shoots slime, and B jumps. Usually, it's the other way around. As for Start and Select, they don't do donkey dick. Usually Start is &quot;Pause&quot;, but here, there's no fuckin' way to pause the damn game. ''[throws controller to the floor]''
:'''The Nerd''': I mean, if you've gotta go answer the phone, or take a shit, it's like, tough shit if you gotta take a shit! You gotta take a quick shit! You gotta have turbo turds! I'm trying to play the game, I got shit stains in my pants, and an answering message on my phone that says, &quot;Sorry. I'm playing ''Ghostbusters 2'' on Nintendo.&quot; What a selfish game. BOTTOM LINE, HAVE A FUCKIN' PAUSE BUTTON! GODDAMMIT! ''[throws an Ecto-1 toy to the ground]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[reviewing ''Ghostbusters'' on [[w:Sega Genesis|Sega Genesis]]]'' I like this? I can't believe what I'm saying.
:'''The Nerd''': I think the world is coming to an end. Seriously, like [[Ghostbusters|fire and brimstone coming down from the skies. Rivers and seas boiling! 40 years of darkness! Earthquakes! Volcanoes! The dead rising from their graves! Human sacrifice, dogs and cats livin' together, mass hysteria!]] But don't worry, I'll find something about it that sucks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' Guess what the toughest enemies in the game are? Coffee cups. You'd think they'd shatter after just one hit, but no. They take forever to break. I don't get it. Lots of the enemies are just annihilated after just one hit, but not those. Don't fuck with the coffee cups.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' The boss battles are cool, although sometimes really random, like this blue guy that comes apart. Come on, die! Alright-- Oh, he's still got a head! Yeah! You got the crystal monkey man, the evil snowman, the fire dragon, the flame guy, the face that emerges from the wall, the woman who multiplies into three; gotta shoot the real one. Then there's the Grim Reaper who looks like Dracula from [[w:Castlevania II: Simon's Quest|''Castlevania II,'']] then there's the plant which reminds me of [[w:The Little Shop of Horrors|''Little Shop of Horrors,'']] which is an interesting connection because [[w:Rick Moranis|Rick Moranis]] starred in [[w:Little Shop of Horrors (film)|the remake]], and he was Louis in ''Ghostbusters.'' Then you got Stay Puft who relentlessly attacks you during the stage, but then at the end, you finally get to punish him for all the shit he put you through. Die! Die! Get him, get him, get him, get him, get him, get him! Yeah! He's dead as shit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' In a sea of terrible ''Ghostbusters'' games, this one ''[Ghostbusters for Sega Genesis]'' stands out, and it's still fun to play. If you can somehow get your hands on it, I'd check it out.
:'''The Nerd''': So, this concludes my 3-part review of all the ''Ghostbusters'' games that I can get my hands on. Is it kinda ironic that I end on one that's actually kinda decent? I don't know. I mean, is it anymore ironic that [[w:Lorenzo Music|the same guy who did the voice for Garfield]] did the voice for Peter Venkman in the ''Ghostbusters'' cartoon? Well, Bill Murray was a live-action Peter Venkman, and he also did the voice of Garfield in [[w:Garfield: The Movie|the movie]].
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' And one more thing: ''[[w:Ghostbusters: Afterlife|Ghostbusters 3]]''. Is it ''really'' gonna happen? ''Should'' it happen? Well, if they made ''The Santa Clause 3,'' ''Free Willy 3,'' ''Home Alone 3,'' ''Psycho 3,'' ''The Neverending Story 3,'' ''Problem Child 3,'' and about ten thousand ''Scary Movie'' and ''American Pie'' sequels, all the crap that gets shat out of Hollywood's big fat fuckin' ass, I don't see why ''Ghostbusters 3'' shouldn't get made. I grew up with those movies. I would love to see those guys put on the proton packs one more time. Even if the whole movie's just the Ghostbusters sittin' around takin' a shit, I'd go see it.

=== [[w:Spider-Man video games|Spider-Man]] ===

:'''Kyle Justin as Spider-Man:''' ''(on ''Spider-Man'' on Atari 2600)'' '''THIS GAME SUCKS MY SPIDER-BALLS!''' IT'S HORRIBLE!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(on ''Spider-Man: Return of the Sinister Six'')'' The game's ''Spider-Man: Return of the Sinister Shit''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Spider-Man:''' ''(hitting himself with the Game Boy in frustration)'' What the fuck is wrong with these game designers?! They don't know what the fuck they're doing! I can't believe they did this to me! They made a game out of me and it's fuckin' shit!! IT'S HORRIBLE! ''(throws the Game Boy to the ground)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Spider-Man:''' ''(while AVGN jokes about the pizza-delivering objectives early in ''Spider-Man 2'' on Game Boy Advance)'' I'm a super hero. I shouldn't be known as a pizza delivery man.
:'''AVGN''': I wish Spider-Man would deliver my pizzas every day.
:'''Spider-Man:''' ''(raises middle finger to AVGN)'' I'm gonna fucking shove a pizza up your fuckin' ass!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Kyle Justin:''' (singing to the tune of the Spider-Man theme song)
:''Spider-Man, Spider-Man''
:''Takes a dump in a coffee can''
:''Plays some games with a grudge''
:''Gonna shit out some anal fudge''
:''Look out, here comes some shitty games''
:''Alcohol is his power source''
:''Takes a piss like a drunken horse''
:''Climbs a wall, then he falls''
:''This game sucks his spider-balls''
:''Oh no, he's playing the shitty games''
:''When he plays his games''
:''He feels so ashamed''
:''He shoots web from his wrist''
:''But now Spider-Man's fucking pissed''

=== [[w:Sega CD|Sega CD]] ===

:'''The Nerd''':  Wow. It's like you get to play the games on a CD! Check out the graphics! Full motion video, opposed to video that ''isn't'' full motion! 64 simultaneous colors! 12.5 MHz processor! '''''Holy shit!''''' This thing is total '''''FUCKIN' GAR-BITCH!''''' How would you like it if I conduct the rest of the video like this? ''(screen becomes smaller and the video choppier, like the Sega CD's &quot;FMV.&quot;)'' &quot;Full motion video&quot;, my fuck! I'd rather be full fuckin' screen!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So you put the fuckin' game in, and oh, guess what? It runs off of its own power adapter. Yeah, that's two. One for the Genesis and one for the Sega CD. If it can't run off the same power, why couldn't it just be its own independent system? Instead it's like a fuckin' parasite or somethin'. Then there's this problem: the load time. Load of fuck! You could go dump your fuck in the fucking time it takes. So if you're gonna play the Sega CD, grab a fucking beer and be patient.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[[w:The Adventures of Willy Beamish|Willy Beamish]]''. The teacher talks to you, and you come up with answers. Should I say, &quot;Oh, that was my frog, Horny.&quot;? The frog's name is &quot;Horny&quot;?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd: '''Now we got ''Sol-Feace''. More like ''Sol-Feces''! Well, holy shit, I gotta be honest. It reminds me of ''R-Type'' or ''LifeForce'', and that's pretty cool, so all I gotta say is, this one's not bad.

=== [[w:Sega 32X|Sega 32X]] ===

:'''The Nerd''': The Sega CD had its place in history. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's a piece of shit. But it had a certain appeal. The 32X is the real deal. It sucks. Oh God, it sucks. You plop it on the top of the Genesis, like they're mating. God, I mean, do you think that's enough add-ons? It doesn't even look aesthetically presentable. I mean, it's just like an ugly tumor. I mean, did they really need all this bullshit leeching on the Genesis? That poor Genesis is just thinking: &quot;Oh, please, God, take this shit off me.&quot; It's like getting gang-raped. Both of its slots are getting ''fucked'' at the same time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''(plugging in the power adapters for the game consoles)'' Here goes the Genesis, the Sega CD, and... bullshit. What a load of fucking bullshit. How did they fuck this up so bad? I can't even turn it the other way because it doesn't fit. Why can I only plug in two power adapters? Why can't these go sideways? Or, better yet, why the Hell do they have these box things? Why can't it just be like this? ''(ends in a thin plug)'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''(playing [[w:Primal Rage|Primal Rage]] with only the background visible)'' Great title screen, huh? There isn't even any title at all. ''(cuts to the character select menu, where once again no characters are visible)'' What is this? Wh-wait a minute. Oh, please, God, tell me what's going on. Why can't I see the characters? I'm playing ''Invisible Primal Rage''! Alright, let's try [[w:Virtua Fighter (video game)|Virtua Fighter]]. ''(the characters aren't visible here either)'' What the FUCK?! Guess what, we left something out.  There's another cable which connects the Genesis to the 32X. Isn't it enough that the damn thing is inserted on to the ''top'' of the Genesis? Why does it need another connector? 'Look at this. It's a fuckin' mess. And what a perfect visual analogy. Sega invented the 32X to increase the lifespan of the Genesis, and that's exactly what the friggin' thing looks like. It's on life support.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': And just to celebrate their failure, or just for shits and giggles, they released a few '''CD-32X''' games, which required both the 32X ''and'' the Sega CD. So, if you happened to own ''this'' pile of vomit and ''this'' piece of shit'','' you can mix the two together.

=== [[w:Silver Surfer (video game)|Silver Surfer]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' Alright, this is ''Silver Surfer''. Silver Shit! ''(inserts game into NES and turns it on)'' He looks so ''stupid!'' I mean, what the hell's wrong with him? He's just like... like... ''(The Nerd tries to imitate Silver Surfer's pose.)''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' What'd I say before? This game's not bad? Well, no. It isn't bad. '''''It's FUCKIN' HORRIBLE!''''' And I ''dare'' you to play it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' I can't take it anymore. ''(Drinks some Yuengling)'' You know... there's really no point of going on. It's not like there's a reward, like there's a pot of gold sittin' on top of the TV. You know if you beat the game, it probably just says &quot;The End&quot;, and that's it. So to keep playing it, you gotta be a fuckin' nerd.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' I mean this game just pukes snot up my ass. It's like you touch the top of the building, you die, you touch the ceiling, you die, you touch the floor, you die, too far to the right, you die, too far to the left, you die, you die, you die, you die, die, ''die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die,'' '''DIE!''' ''(lies on the floor, holds his eyes in anger, and mimics the game over screen) (upset voice)'' Oh, God, I can't fuckin' stand it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' This game is so hard, it would actually be easier to go outside in a thunderstorm and try to dodge rain. It would be easier to walk barefoot, without your toes or heels touching the floor. It'd be easier to pick fly shit out of pepper... while wearing boxing gloves! The fact you can get hit only once, pretty much means that you're weaker than every other enemy in the game. HOW DO YOU DIE FROM JUST TOUCHING A WALL?! I can understand if he's flying at like 200 miles per hour and he ''crashes'' into the wall, but the fact that he just ''touches'' the wall and dies is just ridiculous. I never read any of the comics, so I don't know what Silver Surfer's powers are, but isn't he supposed to be pretty strong? So why'd they make him into a wimp?! Why is he fuckin' up rubber ducks and weepin' like a crybaby? It's like some sort of fuckin' joke! Like what if they had Bruce Lee tripping over his own shoelaces? It's a fuckin' insult! This game should've been classic! But instead, it's worthless! It's as worthless as this fuckin' LJN poster I have back here! Man, I would just piss and shit all over this fuckin' game! In fact, JUST THINKING ABOUT IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE HAVIN' AN ANAL EVACUATION! ''(Swigs some Yuengling)'' Fuck...! ''(Gets up, takes game out, and then throws it against the wall)''

=== [[w:Die Hard (video game)|Die Hard]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': Somewhere up here, there's a rope which, I don't know if it's important or not. You blow up this gym locker or whatever it is and he says, &quot;'''I'd have to be desperate to tie that on and jump off! No, thanks!'''&quot; Are you kidding me? Have you ever had a video game character talk back to you and say, &quot;No, I'm not gonna do that!&quot;? Going back to ''Mario'' again, what if Mario just said &quot;You know, I'm really not feeling up to jumping over that platform. No, thanks!&quot;? This is ridiculous. I mean, he won't climb down with a rope, but he'll jump out a window and fucking kill himself?!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So, I'm taking the stairs down, now I found some blueprint of the 5th floor. Whoa! Now we're talking about the 5th floor? &quot;Take out the main computer&quot;? I'm getting confused. So, I'm going around, trying to kill people, and Officer Carl Winslow keeps talking to me. So, I'm just walking around, waiting for whatever random stuff to happen, then the police car blows up! I'm like, &quot;What does this have to do with anything?&quot; But then Steve Urkel comes on! I'm like, &quot;What the fuck!?&quot;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': There's guys around every corner, there's guys coming out of the elevator, there's guys coming out of your ass, it's crazy!

=== [[w:Independence Day (video game)|Independence Day]] ===

:'''AVGN''': '''Oh God...''' '''Oh ''God!''''' Let me ask a question: what do you get when you take a movie, that's ASS, and you make it into a game? You get a pieceashit! Now, if you get a piece of ass, that's... a good thing. But if you get a pieceaSHIT, you don't want that! And this of course, is ''[[w:Independence Day (video game)|Independence Day]]'' for the [[w:PlayStation (console)|Playstation]]. I don't even wanna talk about this. It's makin' me sick. MAKIN' ME '''''SICK!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I think it's a graphic flaw. Nothing appears until it's right up in your fuckin' face! What the '''ASS''' is that all about? To describe this game's assness, all I can say is, it's ''very'' ass.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The radar doesn't do diddly dick! It's too small, it makes no fuckin' sense, and...I don't like it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The worst thing about this is that it makes me feel really guilty to be playing it! Like I should be doing something better with my time—like rolling dog turds in cement! Like, I gotta get away from this game! I gotta get out of this room! I gotta go out somewhere &amp; do something wild—like get a tattoo on my face of a goat holding up a baby snorting cocaine off its penis!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': You know, I played a lotta fuck in my day, but this game is... ''FUCK.'' The lack of music, the droning effect it has, it reminds me of somethin' very similar. Something from the past. ''Top Gun'' on the NES. ''[Top Gun music and screenshots from game accompany The Nerd's speech.]'' While I hated it and it drove me insane, I would rather play this than ''Independence Day''. In fact, just thinkin' about it is like a breath of fresh air. Makes me feel like a shitty log comin' out of a buffalo's ass and landin' in a bowl of M&amp;Ms.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Now, as always, I don't care if you agree with my opinions on games, but what I do care, you enjoy the video, you have a great 4th of July, drink some beers, but be safe, and most important - celebrate ''your'' independence ''not'' to play ''shitty fuckin' games.''

=== [[w:list of The Simpsons video games|The Simpsons]] ===
:'''AVGN''': Bringing back the horrible memories of these games can best be described like this: Imagine if you trapped a wet, smelly piece of dog shit inside an airtight container. Then, like twenty years later, you open that shit up, you take a good smell, and there you go. Welcome back.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(playing ''Bart vs. the Space Mutants'')'' It's strangely satisfying to jump on those aliens' heads. After all, don't you wish you could just go around killing aliens? Not making purple things not purple? Why not just fucking shit all over 'em and make everything brown?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I just wanted to point out that for a game titled &quot;''Bart vs. the World''&quot;, there really isn't a lot of &quot;the world&quot; in the game. No shit, right? Just Egypt, China, the North Pole, and Hollywood? Pretty fucking educational, right? When I was eleven years old, my whole world was video games, just locked in my room playing ''Bart vs. the Space Mutants'' and all this crap. And I wasted all my time on this shit! I want it back! It ruined my life! ''(drinks beer)'' Bart's my ass and Krusty's my balls! Fuck this shit. Now I'm gonna eat my own shorts. ''(the Nerd puts his beer down, rips out his boxers with his teeth, and devours it in a ravenous manner)''

=== [[w:The Bugs Bunny Birthday Blowout|The Bugs Bunny Birthday Blowout]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''(sarcastically)'' Wow, how awesome could ''this'' be? ''Bugs Bunny's Birthday Blowout.'' Well, it was a blowout, alright. Blowout your FUCK!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Yeah, this game's really a no-brainer. ''[drinks beer]''
:''[Bugs Bunny appears in Nerd's room]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[spits out beer]'' '''''OH MY GOD! IT'S BUGS BUNNY!'''''
:'''Bugs Bunny''':  Nyah... ''[eats carrot]'' What’s up, Doc?
:'''The Nerd''': ''[walks up to Bugs]'' I can't believe it! In my own house! Bugs Bunny! '''''BUGS FUCKIN' BUNNY!''''' ''[punches Bugs in the stomach and in the face]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': This game is garbage!
:'''Bugs Bunny''': Nyaaaah-
:'''The Nerd''': ''[grabs Bugs by the ears and pounds his head on the floor; the commas that follow mark the head pounding]'' '''''I'D RATHER PUT MY BALLS IN A CROCODILE'S MOUTH, WHILE SHOVING MY HEAD UP A UNICORN'S ASSHOLE!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Bugs Bunny:''' Nyah, what's up, fuck-cock vagina fuck-fuck?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Bugs Bunny:''' Nyah, ain't I a fockin' stinker, motherfucker?!
:'''The Nerd''': Ain't you a godfuckingdamn fockin' pieceashit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[after finding out Bugs' friends were pulling pranks on him]'' I'LL SHOW ''YOU'' SOME FUNNY TRICKS! ''[headbutts Bugs and starts punching him]''
:'''Bugs''': ''[while being pummeled]'' Nyyyyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaah, what's up, '''''COCK?!'''''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[kicks him in the face]'' I'll show you what's up, you fuckin' bunny piece of fuck!

&lt;hr width= &quot;50%&gt;

:'''The Nerd''': ''[While punching Bugs Bunny]'' '''BUGS BUNNY'S BIRTHDAY BLOWOUT? WELL HOW BOUT' BUGS BUNNY'S BIRTHDAY BEATING!''' 
:'''The Nerd''': ''[after pummeling Bugs to the ground]'' Ya wanna Shoruyken?!! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': You want some shit? ''[drops his pants]'' '''''BOMBS AWAY, BUGS BITCH!''''' ''[diarrhea falls through a fake fuck]''
:'''Bugs''': Nyyyyaaah, ''[diarrhea pours onto his face]'' '''''oh shit! OH SHIT!''''' Nyah!
:'''The Nerd''': Ugh, man! ''[takes off fake ass]'' Don't worry, folks. It's not real. ''[Merrie Melodies spoof theme starts playing and Bugs is shown in distress]'' ''[while giving middle finger]'' '''Fuck you, Bugs Bunny!''' ''[gives middle finger through fake fuckhole]'' '''''FUCK YOU, BUGS BUNNY!''''' ''[tosses fake ass]'' There you go. Got your ass handed to you. ''[iris out, then cut to a drum, which the Nerd pops out of in a similar fashion to Porky Pig]'' Ah-duh, ah-duh, duh, that's all, fucks! ''[raises middle finger]''

=== Atari Porn ===

:'''​The Nerd:''' (''playing'' Custer's Revenge) All ya do, is bang the chick, dodge the spears. Bang the chick, dodge the spears. Y'know, ya gotta give this guy credit; he's under attack and he still has the nerve to go over and screw this woman against a cactus. I ''think'' it's a cactus; with Atari, ya really can't tell. You know what bothers me? The spears don't even come down all the way; they like disappear, so it doesn't even make sense when they hit you. But over-analyzin' this game isn't even worth it. It's nothing more than a joke, it stirred up a lot of outrage when it came out in 1982, Native Americans were offended, women activists were offended, parents were offended if their kids got a hold of this, and ''I'' am offended, because this game's a fuckin' pieceashit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''​The Nerd:''' (''playing'' Beat 'Em &amp; Eat 'Em) Y'know, there's ''really'' somethin' wrong with this whole scene. You gotta be a total fuckin' whore to stand naked at the bottom of a building with your mouth wide open to catch jizz from some guy jerkin' off on top of a roof! What kinda sick bitches are these?! And what's the deal with this guy? Either he has a ''huge dick'', or he's a ''dwarf!'' I mean what the fuck kinda game is this?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''​The Nerd:''' Well, what can ya say? Atari and porn. Witches, door-to-door prostitutes, rooftop beaters, cowboy rapists... what more can ya ask for? Remember the commercials? &quot;Have you played Atari today?&quot; Well fuck yeah, I did! But you don't wanna know what I was playin'.

=== [[w:Nintendo Power|Nintendo Power]] ===

:'''AVGN''': It's time to chill out. Nah, don't worry. I'm not goin' mellow on you or anything like that. And, next time, it's gonna be a game review again. But for now, I just want to take you back to one of the most important parts of my childhood: Nintendo Power. You know, today, there's Internet. Anything you want to know about any game, you just look it up. But, back then, your only source of information was magazines, like Nintendo Power. If you had a subscription, you were the man! One of your friends would be breakin' their balls to beat some game and you'll be like, &quot;Oh, I know how to beat that game.&quot;, or, &quot;I know a code.&quot; That's because you had the power. ''Nintendo'' ''Power, motherfucker!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': One thing that used to piss me off was the NES Achievers section. It's just a buncha nerds showin' off their high scores. But, how do you prove it? You have to take a photo of your screen. And, nobody really knew how to do that. Remember, there were no digital cameras back then, so you take the picture of your screen, you have no fuckin' clue what it looks like. And, there could be, like, 20 other pictures on the roll, so, you either have to, like, waste them all or wait until it gets finished. You get your mom or dad to take it to the store to get the picture developed, it comes back, and what does it look like? It looks like fuckin' shit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': 'Member that shitty movie ''[[w:The Wizard (film)|The Wizard]]''? and that fuckin' dumbass ''[[w:Super Mario Bros. (film)|Super Mario Bros.]]'' movie? Man, I remember readin' about that and being so excited, I couldn't ''wait'' to see that movie! But it was just like waitin' for a buffalo to take a shit all over your face. ''(Raspberry)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': As Nintendo Power progressed, the ads went from being weird to just being fuckin' disgusting. Why the Hell is there a jar of toenail clippings in a video game magazine? What were they ''thinking''!? Now, here's the worst one yet. It's some old creepy bitch holdin' a log of shit. Goddamn. One ad was so gross, I stapled the page shut. I'm actually not joking. Then, this one just shows a hurl bag. Yeah, that's great. That just sums up how I feel about the whole situation. Nintendo Power! Don't open unless you've got a barf bag! ''(looks into Nintendo Power, then pretends to vomit into a bag)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': There's also a contest in every issue. Grand prizes would include a sneak showing of the ''Ninja Turtles'' movie, a chance to meet Arnold Schwarzenegger, to win [[w:Bill &amp; Ted's Excellent Adventure|Bill &amp; Ted]]phone booth, to win a ''[[w:Street Fighter II|Street Fighter II]]'' arcade machine, to dig up dinosaurs, or to be an extra in ''The Mask II. The Mask II? (sarcastically)'' Oh, ''that's'' a great prize! ''(normally)'' That movie never got fuckin' made, unless you count ''[[w:Son of the Mask|Son of Mask]]'', but that wasn't until about 10 years later! And, did they give the winner a rain check for that: to be in a movie with a computer-generated baby or any of the other sequels to Jim Carrey movies that don't have Jim Carrey?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(reading letters)'' &quot;It is quite apparent what an active and important role marketing plays in the video game industry. I have to wonder what you are thinking when marketing the Nintendo 64 to elementary school gamers. You risk alienating gamers 15 and up. You should target older gamers, because you'll also target younger ones, since the younger audience's perception of coolness often depends on what the older, teenage audience thinks is cool.&quot; I agree. And the response? &quot;Your suggestion inspired us to target more teens with our marketing, so tune in to a very special episode of ''Friends'' this week to see-&quot; Okay, here's ''my'' letter. &quot;Dear Nintendo Power editor, what the fuck is your problem?&quot;

=== [[w:Fester's Quest|Fester's Quest]] ===

:'''AVGN''': ''(As Fester)'' You were expecting, uh, maybe uh, the ''Ninja Turtles''? ''(a reference to the Nerd's review of the third ''Ninja Turtles'' movie)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(As Wednesday)'' This game better stop sucking fuck, or else I'm gonna have to give it the finger. The middle finger!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(As Gomez)'' I think it's a fuckload of fuck!
:'''AVGN''': ''(As Fester)'' Think you'd better shut your fuck!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(As Fester)'' That's the last guy. It's over.
:'''AVGN''': ''(As Wednesday)'' That's just the first boss.
:'''AVGN''': ''(As Fester)'' That's the last guy.
:'''AVGN''': ''(As Gomez)'' It's not.
:'''AVGN''': ''(As Fester)'' I know, but let's just say that it is, because that's all I can take.

=== [[w:The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (franchise)|The Texas Chainsaw Massacre]] ===

:'''Opening Crawl''': In 1983, a shitty game based on the Texas Chainsaw Massacre was released for the Atari 2600 by Wizard Video Games. It was a tragic failure and tried to aim for the adult market. Its pixelated violence was enough to get it banned from stores or hidden behind the counter, limiting its sales to obscurity. For them, an ideal hit movie-based game would become a nightmare. But had the game been well known, nobody would have expected nor they would wished to see as much of the mad and macabre doodoo diarrhea bullshit as they were to see in that sucky ass game. Close to 25 years later, it would be discovered by one of the most frustrated gaming geeks on the internet, The Angry Video Game Nerd.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[AVGN comes to a barn where a hillbilly playing a banjo is selling old video games]''
:'''AVGN''': What have you got here?
:'''Hillbilly''': Bunch of shit.
:'''AVGN''': I see. Unfortunately this is kind of my thing. ''(Notices the Texas Chainsaw Massacre Atari 2600 cartridge)'' How much is this one right here?
:'''Hillbilly''': A hundred.
:'''AVGN''': A hundred? As in like a hundred dollars?
:'''Hillbilly''': No, shit-for-brains, a hundred centavos. Of course a hundred dollars! We are living in the US of A, ain't we?
:'''AVGN''': I - I'll take it for 50.
:'''Hillbilly''': ..It's a hundred.
:'''AVGN''': It's a piece of shit. Look at this! Look at this stock label! I mean, do you know what this is supposed to be? Can you tell me what this is?
:'''Hillbilly''': I have no idea what that is. I can tell you what it looks like: It looks like the shit stain in the bottom of my [[w:Undergarment|drawers]] right now!
:'''AVGN''': This is a shit stain on a shitty game! That perfectly just sums it all up.
:'''Hillbilly''': That, there, is a rare video game, Boy.
:'''AVGN''': Unfortunately I'm like - like flies on a piece of shit because I just can't stay away from this stuff.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': So, when the game's over, the screen goes black, like a ''Mortal Kombat'' fatality. And the girl kicks you in the butt. How violent, she kicks you in the rear. Now I can take bodies getting slashed apart with the chainsaw, but a kick in the ass? That's fucking hardcore. Fuck this game. What a piece of shit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(after being attacked by Chop Top and Leatherface)'' You've gotta believe me, there's this guy coming after me!
:'''Hillbilly''': Hey, hey! Settle down.
:'''AVGN''': I'm not kidding! I'm really not kidding. He's-
:'''Hillbilly''': Calm down, little buddy. Be cool. Be calm. Be collected... hey, what's that over there? ''(knocks the Nerd out with his banjo)'' Batter-up, bitch boy! ''(starts dragging the Nerd away. As he does so, he sings)'' Hey there, motherfuckers... Don't tell me what I should do... 'Cause they be motherfuckers...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Chop Top''': ''(while the Nerd is being tortured by being forced to play the game)'' How do you like that, Nerd? How do ya like!? How do ya like!? ''(cackles)''
:'''Hillbilly''': Playing that game like he really don't like it? Ain't that a shame. Listen to him whimper like a little girl. HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH hee hee hee! Yeah, boy. ''(the Nerd summons enough rage to free himself from his bindings and make an escape)'' Oh, shit!

=== [[w:Halloween (franchise)|Halloween]] ===
''[the Nerd hears a knock as his door, and sees two kids; one dressed as Optimus Prime and the other dressed as Swamp Thing at his door]''
:'''Optimus Prime &amp; Swamp Thing:''' Trick-or-treat!
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, oh, you want some trick-or-treat? Okay, here's some trick-or-treat for ya! ''[grabs one of the bag and defecates into it. then he hands it back to Optimus Prime &amp; Swamp Thing]''
:'''Optimus Prime &amp; Swamp Thing:''' Ewwwwww!!
:'''The Nerd''': There you go, you little fuckers! There's some chocolate for ya.
:'''Swamp Thing:''' That's not chocolate, that's poop.
:'''The Nerd''': It's not chocolate, nor is it poop. It's ''fuck!''
:'''Optimus Prime''': Hey, you dope! I want some candy!
:'''Swamp Thing''': Yeah, I want some candy!
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, yeah. ''[puts &quot;Halloween&quot; Atari 2600 game back in the box then opens door again.]'' Hey, wait! I got something for you, too! A shitty game! ''[gives it to Optimus Prime]''
:'''Optimus Prime''': What the heck is this?
:'''The Nerd''': It's an Atari game.
:'''Swamp Thing''': What the heck is an Atari, you dope?
:'''The Nerd''': Oh. Oh, you don't know what an Atari is? Oh, okay. Hang on a sec.
:'''Swamp Thing''': First you poo in my bag, then you don't give me any candy. You're a dope.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[gives Atari 2600 to Optimus Prime]'' There you go. Have fun.
:'''Optimus Prime''': Hey, you dope! I want some candy!

=== [[w:Dragon's Lair (Nintendo Entertainment System)|Dragon's Lair]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Did I just die by walking into the fuckin' door!? Yeah. Everything kills you. Literally. Everything.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The decisions to make in this game are similar to if... say you're standing in a pool full of piss all the way up to your neck. Then somebody comes in with a bucket full of fuck to dump on your head. Do you duck down under the piss? Or do you just stay up and take on the shit? This game is like a cruel joke that you play on your friends. It's like, &quot;Hey, you wanna play a game? Here you go, you fuckers!&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': This game is notorious among gamers as being one of the most frustrating games in existence. At some time or another, it seems everyone takes a shot at it, and after this review, I'm sure many more people will suffer over it, which is unfortunate. But to quote ''[[w:Full Metal Jacket|Full Metal Jacket]]'', &quot;It's just one big shit sandwich and we all gotta take a bite.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(upon being returned to the first screen after getting a Game Over on the second)'' Man... Man, fuck that shit. Man, you think I'm gonna put myself through that again?! I - GODDAMMIT MAN - ''(imitates shooting off four of his fingers, leaving the middle one extended upward)'' MAN, FUCK this game, man! Man - Jesus Christ, I'd rather fucking 69 a grizzly bear while shoving [[w:King Kong|King Kong]] up my ass! I'd rather fucking stand in the middle of a ring of monkeys as they pelt me to death with their own anal waste!

=== An Angry Nerd Christmas Carol Part One ===

:'''AVGN''': ''(receiving ''[[w:Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (video game)|Home Alone 2]]'' for the NES in a gift-wrapped box)'' Oh gee. Thanks for sending me this crappy game! Coal would've been nice! Or even better, a bag of poop! So thanks!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': So, you start the game trying to escape from this hotel because they found out that you used a stolen credit card. Now you don't wanna fuck with this hotel - they'll get everybody after ya. Not even just the people who work there, but bouncing old ladies with umbrellas, mops - yeah, crazy bloodthirsty mops will try to get ya. Vacuum cleaners? Yeah, those suck you up. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Here, get up the ladder! Get up the fucking ladder! There's birds fucking all over me! Get up the fucking ladder! Fuck, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK! ''(yells in anger and takes the game out of his NES)'' Merry Christmas, you filthy animal! YOU MISERABLE FUCKING CUNTING PIECE OF FUCK! ''(hurls the game off-screen and walks up to his game cabinet)'' Fucky games! All my life! Fucky fucking games! I hate fucky fucking games! And I hate fucky fucking Christmas because fucky fucking Christmas means more ''fucky fucking games!'' HUMBUG! BAH! FUCKING HUMBUG IT TO FUCKKKKKKKKK!!!

=== An Angry Nerd Christmas Carol Part Two ===

:'''Stuttering Craig as the Ghost of Christmas Past''': Greetings, Nerd! Forgive this intrusion, for it is I, the Ghost of Christmas Past!
:'''AVGN:''' ''(hits himself on the head)'' I ain't seeing this!
:'''Ghost of Christmas Past''': Why do you doubt your senses, Nerd?
:'''AVGN:''' Because, I wasn't ready to go completely insane tonight.
:'''Ghost of Christmas Past''': But you already have! Drowning in your own misery and torment!
:'''AVGN:''' ''(Extends his middle finger)'' You see this?
:'''Ghost of Christmas Past''': I ''do'' see it.
:'''AVGN:''' ...But you're not looking at it.
:'''Ghost of Christmas Past''': But I ''see'' it.
:'''AVGN:''' ...Look. Ghost. Why do you come to me?
:'''Ghost of Christmas Past''': Well, to take you back to the past!
:'''AVGN:''' To play the fucky games that suck fuck? No thanks.
:'''Ghost of Christmas Past''': This is ''your'' past, Nerd!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Handsome Tom as the Ghost of Christmas Present''': You remember the excitement?
:'''AVGN:''' Who are you?
:'''Ghost of Christmas Present''': I'm the Ghost of Christmas Present, bitch.
:'''AVGN:''' Well what do you want?
:'''Ghost of Christmas Present''': I just wanted to remind you the fond memories you had of Super Nintendo. You remember ''[[w:Super Metroid|Metroid]]''? ''[[w:The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past|Zelda]]''? ''[[w:Super Mario World|Mario]]''? You only choose to dwell on crap. You know what you're doing right now?
:'''AVGN:''' Talking to you?
:'''Ghost of Christmas Present''': No, this is all out of body. Don't you get it? Right now you're looking back at reviewing one of the worst games on the Super Nintendo. ''(AVGN looks through a nearby door to see himself reviewing a game.)''
:'''Other AVGN''': ''[[w:Shaq Fu|Shaq Fu]]''. Just the name makes people cringe. Like, you don't even wanna go there. You are so full of fuck.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Other AVGN''': The title doesn't even sound good. ''Shaq Fu''? It's like a joke. I mean just the fact that they can release a ''fighting'' game starring [[w:Shaquille O'Neal|Shaquille O'Neal]] and call it ''Shaq Fu'' pretty much proves that you can put &quot;Fu&quot; at the end of anything. How about &quot;[[w:Robin Williams|Robin Williams]] Fu&quot; or &quot;[[w:U2|U2]]Fu&quot;? I mean, who came up with this shit!? What, were they smoking crack up their fuck!?

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:'''Future AVGN''': You remember the Nintendo Wii? Yeah, that's actually what they called it. But it was very revolutionary when it first came out. But looking at it now, it's like a baby's toy. Now, I got this bullfuck fuck game called ''[[w:Far Cry Vengeance|Far Cry Vengeance]]''. Now you put the word &quot;Vengeance&quot; at the end of anything, and it's sure to suck.

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:'''AVGN''': IT'S CHRISTMAS! WHAT A GLORIOUS CHRISTMAS DAY! ''(goes back to his games cabinet cackling with euphoria)'' Look at all these games! Look at all these games! I think I'm going to play ''[[w:Super Mario World|Super Mario World]]''! Fuck yeah! This game's awesome! In fact, I should just play good games from now on. ''(after a moment, the Nerd's expression turns sour, and he turns off the game and grabs the Virtual Boy)'' Man, fuck that! Let's play some fucky ones!

=== [[w:The Legend Of Zelda|Chronologically Confused 2: The Legend of Zelda Timeline]] ===
:'''AVGN''': [[w:Shigeru Miyamoto|Shigeru Miyamoto]], the man responsible for all these great games did an interview with Nintendo Power sometime before the release of the [[w:The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time|Ocarina of Time]] and this is what he said. &quot;Ocarina of Time is the first story, then the original [[w:The Legend of Zelda (video game)|Legend Of Zelda]], then [[w:Zelda II: The Adventure of Link|Zelda II: The Adventure of Link]] and finally [[w:The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past|A Link to the Past]]. It's not very clear where [[w:The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening|Link's Awakening]] fits in. It could be anytime after Ocarina of Time.&quot; Now whoa, I'm nobody to argue. Don't get me wrong about the man himself, but how is Link to the Past the last? I had a hard time accepting that any game would take place before it, but now it's the last? Then why is it called Link to the Past? If it was meant to be the end, why wouldn't it be called Link to the Future?

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:'''AVGN''': So what right do I have to argue with Miyamoto? I don't. However, I can offer three explanations to why he says Link to the Past goes at the end. 1, He was being interviewed and he was caught on the spot, so it could've been a simple mistake. 2, Link to the Past was once a prequel, but its place in the timeline changed so his quote is somehow correct. 3, it's just a game so who gives a shit?

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:'''AVGN''': Now a second Zelda game was for the Nintendo 64 was released, [[w:The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask|Majora's Mask]]. This one was a sequel to Ocarina of Time. But wait, not a sequel to the end where adult Link defeats Ganon, No! It's a sequel to young Link after he got sent back. So now any speculation of Nintendo ever making a sequel to Zelda II is deader than shit. They can't even make a sequel that follows in consecutive order. Instead, they just keep going back and then maybe taking a small step up again and then back again. We have a sequel to the original, a prequel to the original, a sequel to the prequel, a prequel to the prequel, and a sequel of the young Link of the prequel's prequel. WHAT THE FUCK?! At this point, if you want to try to make any sense out of this whole thing then go right ahead, but not me. At this point, I really didn't give a shit.

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:'''AVGN''': What about the games on the Philips CD-I? There was ''Zelda: Wand of Gamelon'', ''Link: The Faces of Evil'', &amp; ''Zelda’s Adventure''. And hey, Princess Zelda actually plays a bigger role in those games. So why don’t you count those? Maybe because they suck diarrhea shit from an asshole fountain.

=== [[w:Rambo (video game)|Rambo]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Fuck. I gotta do ''this'' one now? Well, guess I might as well, 'cuz there's a new ''Rambo'' movie comin' out. Back in the '80s, ''[[w:Rambo|Rambo]]'' was ''the'' shit, but the NES game was just plain fuck. ''(the Nerd puts the game in the NES toploader)'' Well, it's based off ''[[w:Rambo: First Blood Part II|Rambo: First Blood Part II]]'' rather than the [[w:First Blood|first one]]. I guess making a game where you're going around killing cops... ''probably'' wasn't their best interest. 

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:'''AVGN''': When Rambo meets the girl for the second time in the game, you're given an option. Rather than conducting business, you can say: &quot;What do you think of me?&quot; The game doesn't advance until you stop asking it, so what's the point? And how cocky can Rambo be to expect a compliment? She could have said, &quot;What do I think of you? You look like a hairless gorilla and when your mouth is open, you really freak me out.&quot;

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:'''AVGN''': Why does the fuckin' password have to be so godfuckingdamn long?! Is it really necessary to have both capital and lowercase letters, as well as numbers, question marks and exclamation marks too?! If you're writing this down, you're gonna get confused. S's look like 5's, 0's look like O's, capital and lowercase letters can look identical, and lowercase L's look like 1's and uppercase I's. That's something I have '''''no''''' tolerance for. The password system should be '''''simple, straightforward, and easy to use.''''' As long as you know the password, you should be able to enter it, and '''move on.''' It doesn't need to be a '''''fucking project!''''' Fuckholes!

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:'''AVGN''': But then comes ''[[w:Rambo (2008 film)|Rambo.]]'' How do you follow ''[[w:Rambo III|Rambo III]]'' with just ''Rambo?'' That doesn't even make any sense. It's like you're going backwards. So, now if someone says, &quot;I'm watching ''Rambo,''&quot; it's like, &quot;Oh. Oh, what do you mean? Do you mean ''First Blood?'' Or do you mean ''Rambo: First Blood Part II?'' Or do you mean ''Rambo,'' the 4th movie?&quot; That's what it is, the fourth fuckin' movie! Why couldn't they have just called it ''Rambo IV?'' One, two, three, four!! ''(Pretends to have head explosion, then goes nuts and collapses on the floor while he rips a poster off the wall.)''

== Season Three ==

=== [[w:Virtual Boy|Virtual Boy]] ===
:'''The Nerd''':  Virtual reality seemed like the way of the future. Just the idea feeling like you were in the game was an awesome concept. But instead, it turned out to be the grand mother-load of shit. The first problem was it was marketed as a portable system. Yeah, portable. My ass is portable! You could barely find a comfortable way to play this big, red, ugly piece of shit at home, let alone bring it somewhere. Like, you couldn't play it in a car or something like that. And, come to think of it, you wouldn't want to play this thing in public anyway. You'd look like an asshole!
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:'''The Nerd''': [''playing'' Galactic Pinball] So, in the long run, it just makes you wish you were playing a real pinball machine instead or anything other than this. '''''I feel like I'm taking an eye exam.''''' And speaking of that, my eyes are starting to hurt already. If you play this long enough and go blind, you can really become the [[Tommy (The Who album)|Pinball Wizard]].
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:'''The Nerd''':  Well now, we saved the worst for last: It's ''[[w:Waterworld (video game)|Waterworld]]''.  Now, let's just stop for a moment and take this in, okay? ''[Breathes deeply]'' ''Waterworld''... on Virtual Boy. It's like pukin' on a pile of shit!

=== [[w:The Wizard of Oz (video game)|The Wizard of Oz]] ===

:'''The Nerd:''' But now, on with the game. Let's start off with the enemy run-down. We got bloodthirsty bluebirds, frogs, chattering teeth, pink soldiers, some weird-looking dude, flying elephants which are supposed to be monkeys, a blobby blue guy, and killer chairs. Is this ''[[w:The Wizard of Oz (1939 film)|Wizard of Oz]]'' or ''[[w:Pee-wee's Playhouse|Pee-wee's Playhouse]]''? Then, there's all these buzz saws. Kinda violent, don't you think? Everything imaginable wants you dead. Even water faucets coming out of trees. Even the hands of a clock can kill you. ''(holding an analog clock)'' Oh God, there it is! Watch out for the clock! ''(imitates getting attacked by the clock)''

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:'''The Nerd:''' Remember the scene from the movie where Dorothy kicks the shit out of a giant crow wearing a vest?

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:'''Cowardly Lion:''' With a knuck! And a ruck! And a fuck! And a f-fuck!
:'''The Nerd:''' Hey man, did you just swear?!
:'''Cowardly Lion:''' Uh, ''(laughs)'' yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, fuck you, fuck you, dick, dick, dick! ''(laughs)''
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(resumes explaining the game)'' Now, the only problem with the Lion is that after he dies only once...
:'''Cowardly Lion:''' ''(Gasps)'' Die?
:'''The Nerd:''' ...he never comes back!
:'''Cowardly Lion:''' ''(The Cowardly Lion runs out, but dies in an explosion.)'' Fuck!

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:'''The Nerd:''' SHIT! Come on!
:'''Cowardly Lion:''' ''(Chuckles)'' ''(He sees the Wicked Witch)'' Oh, is that the Witch? Is that the Witch? She's a bitch, not a witch! (Chortles)
:'''The Nerd:''' Come on, you fuckin' green bitch! Melt like diarrhea in the hot sun!
:'''Cowardly Lion:''' (Chortles) Yeah! Now, Shove her broom right up her ass! Fuck that bitch! Fuck that bitch! Fuck! Wicked Witch of the East, Wicked Witch of the West, Wicked Witch of the fuck, Wicked Witch of my ass! (Chortles and barks)

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:'''The Nerd:''' There's no shitty game like this, I'm serious. Like, it shouldn't have been made. Like, it's almost half as bad as ''Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde''. And I know it's been like 40-something reviews and I'm still talking about ''Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde''. But I'm serious, it's really almost that bad! FUCK THIS GAME, WATCH IT GO! ''(The Nerd throws the game, the same time the Cowardly Lion shits while doing a handstand making the game glued to the ceiling.)'' Daaaaaamn! You just plastered the game on my ceiling with your shit!
:''(The Lion laughs)''

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:''[Outtake]''
:'''Cowardly Lion:''' Wicked Witch of the East, Wicked Witch of the West, Wicked Witch of my balls, Wicked Witch of the fuck, Wicked Witch of my dick, Wi-- Wicked Witch of the ass. Wi-- Wicked Witch...
:''''The Nerd:''' ''[cracking up]'' Wicked Witch of the ass! ''[Laughs]''

=== Double Vision Part One ===

:'''The Nerd:''' The [[w:Intellivision|Intellivision]] came from [[w:Mattel|Mattel Electronics]]. Now, you know what else they made? The Power Glove. Now, that's a bad sign right there. But, it was a great game system for its time.

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:'''The Nerd:''' The games barely fit in the cartridge slot. It's like trying to stick your dick in a Cheerio.

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:'''The Nerd:''' Okay, we gotta move on, but let me introduce the [[w:Intellivoice|Intellivoice Voice Synthesis Module]]. What the fuck is that? Well, it makes your games talk. Yeah. Now, at the time, the idea having voices in video games was a new thing. But unfortunately, only a few games were compatible, like ''[[w:B-17 Bomber (video game)|B-17 Bomber]].''
:'''Electronic Voice:''' Mattel Electronics presents: ''(hillbilly voice)'' ''B-17 Bomber.''
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(mimics the voice)'' '''''B-17 BOMBER!'''''
:'''Electronic Hillbilly Voice:''' ''B-17 Bomber!''
:'''The Nerd:''' Alright, fuck the game. Let's try ''Bomb Squad.''
:'''Electronic Voice:''' Mattel Electronics presents: ''Bomb Squad.'' ''(Alarm buzzes)'' They'll never do it in time! The code! The code! Figure out the code!
:'''The Nerd:''' '''''What?''''' Guess I gotta defuse the bomb.
:'''Electronic Voice:''' It won't be easy! Replace this third, this fourth, this second, this first!
:'''The Nerd:''' '''''Oh, shit!''''' '''''OH, SHIT! OH, GOD! '''(Exploding)''

=== Double Vision Part Two ===

:'''The Nerd:''' ''(Also sprach Zarathustra from ''2001: A Space Odyssey'' plays in the background)'' What's that? A metamorphic stone rising from the blackness and negative Earth, a towering behemoth of monstrosity brought down by extraterrestrial powers, or a giant monolith of death, Hell-bent on the annihilation of humankind, time, and all matter? No. It's the AC adapter for a [[w:Colecovision|Colecovision]]''(The Nerd &quot;struggles&quot; to pick it up.)'' '''WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY THINKING?!''' IS THIS NECESSARY?! Look! I can't fit this Godforsaken piece of shit in the electrical outlet, unless there's nothing next to it! What a fucking hog! That's what it is; a self-indulgent glutton of a power hog.

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:'''The Nerd:''' [Campaign '84] &quot;'''You were seen putting your shoes on before you put on your pants.'''&quot; Okay, well who the hell was watching me get dressed!? If I wanna put my shoes on first, that's my own goddamn business!

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:'''The Nerd:''' But before I end it, let's take a look at the ColecoVision Expansion Module. Yeah, what gaming system is complete without some kind of peripheral? You plug it in, and now you can play Atari 2600 games. That's right, I'm playing Atari on ColecoVision, its competitor. Okay, that would ''never'' happen today. That's like if Sony said, &quot;Okay, we're gonna come out with this new expansion module for the [[w:Playstation 3|Playstation 3]]. You're gonna be able to play [[w:X-Box|X-Box]] games on it.&quot; ''There would be lawsuits up the ass!''

=== [[w:The Wizard (film)|The Wizard]] and [[w: Super Mario Bros. 3|Super Mario Bros. 3]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' Especially when you get to the last world, it can get real challenging. This part doesn't fuck around. It's like, &quot;you got to the end, you dare to play, welcome to Hell.&quot; That's what it looks like, all this fire and skulls, it looks like Hell! There's sorta like a heart shape around it. Yeah, a heart around Hell. Does that mean that this game loves Hell? This game worships the Devil! Oh, my God, of course it does! Why is there so many inverted crosses? What's the H stand for? Hell?? How about the part with the Tarot cards? The &quot;N&quot;? Necronomicon?? The &quot;P&quot; must be Possession. Or maybe Pentagram. Well, of course, the pentagram makes an appearance everywhere. It's no doubt that the seven sons of Bowser represent the Seven Deadly Sins. You kneel before Satan on the block, and after 6 seconds, you fall through. There's 6 arrows on the possession meter, and to reach the goal, you go to the 6th door. That's 666. Everywhere you look, it's the Number of the Beast. In ''The Wizard'', the game's introduction is basically the gates of Hell opening.
'''Video Armageddon Host:''' Come up here, my little beauties!!
'''Crowd:''' 6! 6! 6!
:'''The Nerd:''' Yeah, &quot;Video Armageddon!&quot; The Devil watches you through the whole game. The clouds have eyes, the hills have eyes. Heh, literally, &quot;the hills have eyes.&quot; Thanks Heaven, and we know that there's no need to thank Heaven unless there's the presence of ​Hell. There's 8 worlds. In the eighth world, there's 5 spaces you can stand on where giant hands drag you down to your doom. There's 12 tanks you gotta jump on before the goal, and it takes me 12 jumps to get Bowser to fall down the hole. The 8th letter of the alphabet is H, 5 equals E, 12 equals L, what's that spell? HELL! And what's it sound like when you play the game backwards? (footage is reversed; profanity-laced subliminal message plays) This game's a product of the fucking devil. And none of the other Mario games were like this, so I don't know why it's only this one. But in conclusion, all I can say is that, other than being the total epitome of evil, ''Super Mario Bros. 3'', it's a good game. So good, it's a ''sin''.

=== [[w:List of Nintendo Entertainment System accessories|NES Accessories]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''[Reviewing the [[w:Miracle Piano|Miracle Piano]]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt;'' Other than having standard lessons, you also get a robot game. Play the song right or the robot dies! Then there's a duck game You gotta shoot the ducks. Oh, come on! ''[begins tapping keys rapidly]'' Yeah, I'm shooting ducks with a piano!

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[reviewing the Power Pad and playing ''World Class Track Meet'' with it]'' It was meant to be a family game, but most kids I knew played it alone in their room. And that meant that if your room was upstairs, your parents would hear like all this thumping and shit. They hated it. Cats and dogs would piss and shit on it. In fact, just thinking about it... makes me feel like having an anal evacuation.

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:'''The Nerd''': Yeah. It all comes down to tapping buttons, which brings us to our next accessory. Probably the ''stupidest'' thing ever invented: The SpeedBoard. What is it? It's a piece of fucking plastic. You attach your controller, you get it? In case you don't wanna hold the controller with your hands, in case you enjoy playing on the floor, or behind a table, then this is for you. It's embarrassing. What's the point? To put the speed at your fingers? ''Why in the '''ass''' would I need '''that?''''' If I'm playing a game that involves having to tap the buttons like crazy, I'm probably gonna get a turbo controller, like the NES Max, or NES Advantage. How could they even ''sell'' such a thing? Even though it's made by [Pressman Toys,] a third party company, it was actually licensed by Nintendo. It's like covering a turd in ice cream sprinkles.
:'''The Nerd''': Next up, oh boy: the [[w:Konami|Konami]] [[w:LaserScope|LaserScope.]] Now, I just wanna go on record by saying I fuckin' love Konami, but this thing reeks of ass! It's essentially yet another form of the Zapper, but it's voice-controlled. To shoot, you say &quot;Fire!&quot;
:'''The Nerd''': '''''Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire!''''' It also has headphones, and it advertises on the box that you can use it for your Game Boy or Walkman. Just detach the scope module, yeah. Wow. Yeah, I would look &quot;so cool&quot; walking around listening to my [[w:iPod|iPod]] with this fuckin' thing on my head.
:'''The Nerd:''' It also advertises that &quot;Parents will love what they don't hear.&quot; It says, &quot;While the LaserScope surrounds the player with the sounds of exciting gameplay action, non players can listen to music, read a book, talk on the phone or have a conversation in the same room.&quot; Yeah. While you're saying, '''''&quot;Fire! Fire! Fire!&quot;,''''' it kinda defeats the purpose, right? '''''Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire!''''' Fuck! ''[game shoots]'' I didn't say &quot;Fire!&quot;, I said &quot;Fuck!&quot; Fuck! Fuck-Fire! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Ass! You can say anything. Shit! Bitch! Cunt! Fuck! Fart! ''[shifts to [[w:Duck Hunt|Duck Hunt]].]'' ''Fuck!'' Heh. Wow, I just shot down a duck by sayin' &quot;Fuck!&quot;

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:'''The Nerd''': [of the Roll &amp; Rock] I'm drinkin' Rolling Rock... ''on'' the Roll &amp; Rocker! Rolling Rock, Roll &amp; Rocker! Yeah, Rolling Rock ''on'' the Roll &amp; Rocker! ''[drinks more Rolling Rock]''

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[Playing ''[[w:Super Mario Bros.|Super Mario Bros.]]'' with the [[w:U-Force|U-Force]]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt;'' Get the mushroom, oh-- Aw, now that's assy. Yeah, I know I use the word &quot;ass&quot; a lot. I guess you can say I'm an ass-oholic.

=== [[w:Indiana Jones (franchise)|Indiana Jones Trilogy]] ===

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:'''AVGN''': If even a single pixel of your body comes in contact with any of these walls, it sends you back into the trap. But still, where do you go? You're supposed to touch this one spot on the wall which leads you to the next room. Well, after knowing that you can't touch anything else in the room, ''why the fuck'' would you even consider trying to go through the wall?! Is there ever such a thing as a ''door''?!

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:'''AVGN''': ''(Reviewing ''[[w:Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (Nintendo Entertainment System)|Temple of Doom]]'' for [[w:Nintendo Entertainment System|NES]])'' What's up with Indiana Jones? He looks like a park ranger, and he walks like he just dumped ass.

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:'''AVGN''': All through the game you keep finding swords and guns and stuff but the big question is What do you do with them? The start button brings up this screen which shows your supplies. But how do you select your weapons? You try every button and nothing works. So what's the point of this screen? Nothing. It's just for shits and giggles. Oh well, we're having fun with our whip in the meantime. Then you find that your whip is pretty useless. You can use it to swing around and kill small insects but any of the regular bad guys, it only make them jitter around and grunt.
:'''Enemy''': Huh! Huh!
:'''AVGN''': Huh! It should be a dance. ''(Pretends he's whipping)'' Huh! Huh! Whip it! Huh! Huh!

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:'''AVGN''': ''(reviewing ''The Last Crusade'' on NES)'' How is Indiana Jones such a wimp that he can't set foot in water more shallow than a kiddie pool?

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:'''AVGN''': What dumbasses made this game? [[w:Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade|Should've sent it to the Marx brothers.]]

=== [[w:Star Trek games|Star Trek]] ===
:''[A Klingon ship is attacking The Nerd's house]''
:'''The Nerd''': Wha-what is it, you want Genesis? ''[The Nerd picks up a Sega Genesis]'' You can have Genesis!

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:''[The Nerd turns off the NES Toploader, takes out the game, puts a phaser to it and is about to blast it out of existence, but he hesitates, eases off, and shakes his head.]''
:'''The Nerd''': No. I won't destroy it. Maybe the game designers did the best they could under the given circumstances. ''[to air]'' You hear? You'll have to get your entertainment someplace else. ''[a floating Metron appears in the Nerd's room.]'' You're a Metron.
:'''Metron''': ''Does my appearance surprise you, Nerd?''
:'''The Nerd''': Not really.
:'''Metron''': ''You surprise me.''
:'''The Nerd''': How?
:'''Metron''': ''By sparing the shitty game, you have demonstrated the advanced trait of mercy.''
:'''The Nerd''': ''Mercy '''this,''' motherfucker!'' ''[shoots the Metron]''

=== [[w:Superman video games|Superman]] ===

:'''AVGN''': It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's a shitty game! ''Superman'' for the [[w:Atari 2600|Atari 2600]]. I'm playing it on the [[w:Atari 7800|7800]] just for variety. But anyway, what could be said about Superman? He's one of the most famous superheros of all time. Even the word &quot;super&quot; is in his name. A word that implies excellence, outstanding quality and brilliant divine maginificence! ''(Gameplay of the Atari 2600 game is shown)'' Yeah, this sucks.

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:'''AVGN''': ''(reviewing ''[[w:Superman (Atari game)|Superman]]'' on Atari 2600)'' The whole game is based around the clock - it's all about getting the fastest time, but the only thing that'll eventually happenis you'll throw the game out the window faster than a speeding bullet!

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:'''AVGN''': ''(reviewing ''[[w:superman (Kemco game)|Superman]]'' on NES)'' You have a map screen which seems like it should be self-explanatory enough, but there's times when you have to use a subway train. &quot;'''Oops! You can't ride the subway with no pass!'''&quot; What, are you kidding me? He's ''Superman''! He needs to buy a fuckin' ticket?!

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:'''AVGN''': There's no reason to talk to anybody in this game. It's like in ''Castlevania II: Simon's Quest''. The whole game is full of people who tell you things that don't make any sense or have any [[relevance]] with the game. For example, this old woman tells you not to &quot;look into the Death Star, or you will die&quot;. Well, the [[w:Death Star|Death Star]] is nowhere in the game. Both of these games were released in 1988. Now that must have been the year of people talking and not making sense in video games. ''(talks to an NPC in ''Superman'')'' '''&quot;Haven't you seen the movie, Superman?&quot;''' Yeah, I did, actually! It's nothing like this ''garbage''!

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:'''AVGN''': ''(discussing the stage intermission screen resembling a [[w:Daily Planet|Daily Planet]] newspaper)'' What? &quot;'''Daily Planets'''&quot;? Isn't it just the Daily Planet? I don't know, I've had enough of this. Wait a minute. &quot;'''Stock Market Panic! Stock prices fall!'''&quot;? What, are we talking about ''stocks'' now? &quot;'''Find out why stock prices have fallen'''&quot;. &quot;'''You'll learn about stocks at the stock market.'''&quot; Okay, that's the goal here? To go to the ''stock market''? Oh my god. Do you remember being a kid? Do you remember playing Nintendo? What kind of things were you interested in? Comic books? Video games? Uhhm... the ''stock market''? Yeah, do you think any kid playing this game gives a shit about the fucking stock market?! Just, just, w-wh-''why''? W-wh-why make a game that has anything to do with stocks or taxes or politics? You just don't do that! It's like &quot;What were they thinking!?&quot; Stocks?! I just can't... I just... puh-''(raspberry)''. Augh, God. I just... what a shitload of fuck. That's enough for me. This game is just so awful that it can't be explained. I can review it for another hour and it won't make a difference. It's an unreviewable game. Can not be done justice! If you want to play it and see for yourself, I dare you. But just one warning: You will not be happy. Oh wait, this guy here just gave me a password? What's that for? Like if I want to continue here where I left off? Well, that's completely useless. There's no way I would ever need this password and you wanna know why? Because I'm never fucking playing this game again in my life! ''(Tosses the game out the window)''

=== [[w:Superman 64|Superman 64]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Okay, the wait is finally over. This is the review that everybody wants to see. Here it is, ''Superman''... on [[w:Commodore 64|Commodore 64]].

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:'''AVGN''': Remember those early CD based consoles like the PlayStation and you'd always have to wait for everything to load? Well, it's nothing like that; this thing actually takes 2 minutes and 7 seconds. Yeah, I timed it. Then the title screen starts up with the music, and you're like, ''&quot;WOW!&quot;'' But wait, what the hell's this? Type in the character that appears in &quot;column: 09 row:10&quot;? Oh, come on! I gotta get the code card. Yeah, the code card. Match up the damn numbers and there you go, it's 5. 'WHY DO I GOTTA DO THAT!? So you pick your difficulty, and guess what? It's gotta load again! Fifty-four seconds this time. Not long, but seems like an eternity. So anyway, you get this comic book storyline thing, and then- ''[the &quot;NOW LOADING&quot; screen appears yet again]'' You son-of-a-bitch! Probably two weeks later when you finally start playing the game, you'll be surprised that the graphics are quite decent and the gameplay is self-explanatory. You just fly around and shoot stuff. You don't have to be Clark Kent and find subway passes or any bullshit like that, so it's actually better than the Nintendo version. But that's not sayin' much. That's like sayin' the shit that I took last night was better than the shit I took the day before.

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:'''AVGN''': ''[holds up Superman 64 cartridge]'' Aw, come on, you really wanna make me play this? Well, I'm gonna do it just for you, 'cause I like ya a lot. Now don't take that too serious.

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:'''AVGN''': First, you're greeted by a smiling cartoon fox. &quot;''Tittus''&quot;? What the fuck is that?

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:'''AVGN''': Looks like Superman's strokin' his super dick.

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:'''AVGN''': ''(after finishing the car-carrying stage 4)'' So I get to the goal, and guess what's next? Seriously, I want you to just take a guess what comes after this. More rings. Yeah. What kind of game is this!? Is this some sort of ''insanity test''?! Well, I'm done. I'm sorry, but that's all I can do. This game doesn't even ''qualify'' as shit! It's like the equivalent of ''shit'' takin' a shit! This is unspeakably, ''shockingly'' bad. It's sickeningly '''loathsome!''' '''It's a fuckin' suffering to the mind'''! It's a bunch of fuck and it doesn't belong on this planet! Somebody's gotta take care of it! This is a job for the fuckin' Nerd! ''[a rock version of [[w:Superman March|Superman Theme]] plays as the Nerd unbuttons his shirt to reveal a blue Superman shirt. Flies up to the sun and tosses the game into it.]''

=== [[w:List of Batman computer and video games|Batman Part One]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''[dressed up as Batman]'' All right, ''[takes off his glasses]'' let's dig in to a big pile of bat shit. As you can see, I'm all ready, because, ''[puts on Bat-Mask]'' in order to play bad Batman games, and do 'em justice... ''[puts glasses back on]'' ''[Batman voice]'' ...you gotta be Batman.

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:'''Batnerd''': ''[Batman: The Caped Crusader]'' There's also this annoying menu screen that keeps popping up. It took me a while to figure out that I activate this thing by pressing Down and the button.
:'''Batnerd''': So I get to this menu by total accident, and I don't know what to do here. What ''is'' all this shit? &quot;Restart game&quot;? Who the fuck's talkin' about restarting? ''[tries to type &quot;N&quot;, but the keyboard doesn't respond]''  Oh, the keypad's busted. Oh, that's great. Yeah, and that's another thing about the Commodore: It only works when it feels like it.
:'''Batnerd''': Well, anyway, the game sucks, gotta give it the Batman punishment! ''[Batman voice]'' '''''I'm Batman.''''' ''[throws the &quot;Batman: The Caped Crusader&quot; Commodore 64 disk to the ground]''

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:'''Batnerd''': Next up, ''[[w:Batman Forever (video game)|Batman Forever]]'' for the Super Nintendo. Now we're in deep shit, because this game is triceratops testicles.

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:'''Batnerd''': Fuck! Shit! Get up there! This is fuckin' '''''BULLSHIT!''''' You'd think to shoot up you just press up, but ''no,'' it '''''jumps!''''' Sometimes I get it to work by '''''pure luck''''' until I found out that, okay, '''''this''''' is how it works: To shoot up, you press '''select''' and '''up''' in a '''''very specific way.''''' You have to press select ''slightly before'' you press jump. If you do it correctly, it shoots the grappling hook straight up in the air. But if you press them both at the same time, you just jump! '''THAT'S A ''GOOD'' REASON WHY THE ''JUMP'' BUTTON SHOULD ''NOT BE UP!!'' WHY CAN'T IT BE ONE OF THE FUCKIN' ''BUTTONS?! HAVIN' THE FUCKIN' UP BUTTON JUMP IS FUCKIN' FUCKED UP!!!''''' If '''''this''''' ''[up on the d-pad]'' aimed your grappling hook and '''''THIS''''' ''[B button]'' jumped, '''''THEN IT WOULD BE FINE! BUT, NO! THEY GOTTA BE THE SAME BUTTON!'''''

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:'''Batnerd''': I'd rather have a diarrhea dog take '''''LAVA DUMP''''' all over the screen!

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:''[the Batnerd is in shock over the bad controls of the game]''
:'''Batnerd''': '''WH- THIS IS ''FUCKED'' BEYOND BELIEF!!!''' It's like, the controls in this game are like something you do for a cheat code, '''''not a basic move that you HAVE TO DO in order to play the game!''''' '''Why'd they program it in such an ''asinine, ball-brained, cockamamie, RIDICULOUS FASHION?!''''' It's like, geez, there's four buttons right in the front of the controller! '''LIKE, THAT'S ''NOT ENOUGH'' TO WORK WITH?!''' Instead, they have to, like, program it, like, all into, like, weird, kinda, crazy button combinations and shit?! It's like, what were they thinking?! It's like, '''''up''''' is jump?! '''''Select''''' for the grappling hook?! Select shouldn't even be part of the game, select should be like for the ''menus,'' or something. '''I mean, jeez, like, were they tryin' to just ruin this game? Just flat out, just ''fuck it up?!''''' Well, they did! Batman Forever, '''it ''sucked'' back then, and it ''sucks'' forever!'''
:'''Batnerd''': ''[Batman voice]'' '''I'm Batmaaaaan.''' ''[throws &quot;Batman Forever&quot; to the floor]''
:'''Batnerd''': ''[Batman voice]'' That's it, that's all the shitty Batman games I can take. The review's over.
:''[Joker laughs insanely in the background and appears from behind the couch]''
:'''Joker''': Batman! Batman, you wanna play a '''''really shitty''''' Nintendo game, Batman? Well, how 'bout, ''Return of the Joker'' on the Nintendo Entertainment System, Batman?
:'''Batnerd''': ''[normal voice]'' Yeah, but, I'm not really Batman, though.
:'''Joker''': You're not Batman?! Batman, you're Batman, I'm Batman! ''[laughs insanely]'' Come on, Batman, let's play! Come o- ''[Batnerd punches him in the face and picks him up]''
:'''Batnerd''': I'm not playin' anymore shitty Batman games!
:'''Joker''': ''[chortles]'' Yes, you are! ''[water squirts out of the Joker's flower into the Batnerd's face]'' ''[laughs insanely]'' Ooh, Batman, let me give you a hand! ''[The Batnerd grabs the Joker's hand, and gets electrocuted by a joy buzzer while the Joker laughs and puts &quot;Return of the Joker&quot; into the NES Top Loader and the caption &quot;TO BE CONTINUED...&quot; appears on the screen]''
:'''Batnerd''': ''[narrating]'' Will the Batnerd escape the Joker? What bad games does he have up his sleeve? Tune in next episode, same bat time, same bat channel!

=== [[w:List of Batman computer and video games|Batman Part Two]] ===

:'''Batnerd''': Look at this pandemonium! There's a fucking ceiling waiting to come down and kill me, there's a guy throwing an oil drum, if I try to get out of the way I get hit by these rotating blades and shit. I take the guy down, and then I try to set off the ceiling trap, and... I'm dead.
:''[Joker laughs crazily at Batnerd's misfortune]''
:'''Batnerd''': Shut up!
:'''Joker''': [briefly angry] Fuck you, motherfucker! ''[laughs resumes laughing]''

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:'''Batnerd''': ''[playing &quot;Batman: Return of the Joker&quot; on Game Boy]'' The controls are like trying to get a horse to wipe its ass on an eagle.

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:'''Batnerd''': I swear that these games were programmed by [[w:The Joker|the Joker.]]

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:'''Batnerd''': ''[playing ''Batman: Revenge of the Joker'' on Sega Genesis]'' What's with the gargoyle statues? You shoot them and get nothing. What's the point? And why does it hurt you to touch them? '''''BATMAN CAN'T EVEN TOUCH A FUCKING STATUE?!'''''

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:'''Batnerd''': '''''OKAY, SO WHAT'S WITH THIS FUCKING BULLSHIT?!''''' What, do they just die whenever they feel like it? Like is it a glitch, or is it some obscure trick that I don't know about? It's just the first level of the game! '''AGAIN! ''THE FIRST FUCKING LEVEL,'' AND I CAN'T GO ANY FURTHER!''' I've had enough of this catastrophe!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Batnerd''': ''[after subduing the Joker]'' I'm gonna shove these fucking games up your ''ass!'' ''Batman: Revenge of the Joker!'' ''[Joker screams]'' ''Batman: Return of the Joker!'' ''[Joker screams]'' ''Batman Forever!'' ''[Joker screams]'' ''Batman: Return of the Joker'' on Game Boy! ''[Joker screams again]'' And last but not least, ''Batman'' on Commodore 64! ''[Joker screams]''

=== [[w:Deadly Towers|Deadly Towers]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': This is a very special episode because I'm not gonna review the game, the fans are. Yeah. For the first time I asked the fans to recount their experiences with the game and send them to a specified email address. And as a result, this one inbox got over 6,000 messages. So, if you're one of the lucky ones, then I hope you enjoy hearing your words coming out of my mouth. But regardless, thanks for the submissions, thanks for supporting the show, this one's my little reward, to you. Enjoy.

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:'''The Nerd''': Oh, this must be why the attack is so slow: Our hero must pass the blades out of his cock! Hell, if broadswords shooting out of my cock was my only defense against purple inchworms &amp; bats, I’d probably let them kill me.

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:'''The Nerd''': Even the manual says, &quot;You have no confidence in this sword.&quot; What the fuck kind of advice is that? That's like saying &quot;Buddy, if you play this game, '''YOU'RE GONNA GET FUCKED UP THE ASSHOLE WITH A ''PORCUPINE!! GOOD FUCKIN' LUCK, DOUCHEBAG!&quot;''''' 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''':  You get an inventory screen. It's empty right now, but it seems pretty standard. It tells you your life and everything. It also has this thing called 'ludder'. Yeah, it says you have 50 ludder. I can only assume that that's currency, so I Googled it to check what it meant and according to an Urban Dictionary, 'ludder' means 'cheap-ass hoe'! So, therefore we're already starting out with 50 cheap-ass hoes, so we're doing alright for ourselves. I wonder what the exchange rate is for the expensive whores?

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:'''The Nerd''':  Oh, and the music. The bubbly sound of ripping ass isn't even an adequate way to describe the music in this game!

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:'''The Nerd''':  When they named this game ''Deadly Towers'', they weren't kidding. The last time I saw towers this deadly was when they decided the horses need more fiber in their diets! This game is so fucking hard, it's easier to lift an elephant with my ass while singing Old MacDonald!

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:'''The Nerd''': Das Spiel ist Scheiße! Dieses Spiel fickt dich härter als das Leben! (Translation: The game is shit! This game fucks you harder than life!) Well, I gave that a try.

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:'''The Nerd''': This game is like a never-ending turd that bends around and goes into your mouth, thus creating an endless cycle of eating your own shit whilst taking a crap and occasionally puking up the same for all eternity!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Fuck this game! No, better yet, ''don't'' fuck this game! Don't let your friends fuck it! It's '''unfuckworthy!'''

=== [[w:Battletoads|Battletoads]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' ''Battletoads'' on Nintendo. Now, don't worry, it's a good game. It's actually one of the most memorable games in the NES library. But when it first came out, a lot of people were thinkin', &quot;What is this, a cheap ''Ninja Turtles'' knockoff, or somethin'?&quot; But, uh, it was actually pretty good-- ''[he turns to his right and notices Kyle]'' Who the fuck are you?
:'''Kyle:''' I'm your guitar guy. ''[the Nerd doesn't get it.]'' I sing your theme song... from... behind the couch.
:'''The Nerd:''' Well then, go back behind the damn '''''COUCH!''''' Geez!
:'''Kyle:''' You know, that's not the welcome I really expected.
:'''The Nerd:''' Well, look, you can't just sit here while I do the review.
:'''Kyle:''' ''[stutters]'' Why can't I do the review with you?
:'''The Nerd:''' Oh, uh-- '''''because that's not how it WORKS!''''' It's, like, I play the game, and you-- Get your ass back ''behind the'' '''FUCKIN''''  '''''COUCH!!'''''
:'''Kyle:''' ''[angrily; while fighting back his tears]'' I don't ever get to do anything; you don't even use my song that much anymore.
:'''The Nerd:''' Why are you always behind my damn couch anyway?!
:'''Kyle:''' There are no other couches to go behind!

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:'''The Nerd''': The intro shows 3 toads: Rash, Pimple, &amp; Zitz. Why such disgusting names? How about Herpes, Genital Warts, &amp; Gonorrhea?

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:''[Level 3 restarts]''
:'''The Nerd''': What? You ''gotta'' be fuckin' kidding me. YOU died, but we ''both'' have to restart the level!
:'''Kyle:''' Sorry.

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:'''Kyle:''' ''[singing]'' ''He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard...''
:'''The Nerd''': '''YOU BET YOUR ''ASS!!!'''''

=== [[w:Dick Tracy (video game)|Dick Tracy]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': Remember when everybody was talkin' about ''Dick Tracy?'' 1990, the Warren Beatty film comes out. Everybody went from &quot;Who's Dick Tracy?&quot; to '''''&quot;WHOA,''''' Dick Tracy's the '''''SHIT!'''''&quot; It was like a contemporary film noir; stylish with colorful comic book-style visuals and an all-star cast: Al Pacino, Dustin Hoffman, fuckin' Madonna, but it was kinda over-the-top and silly.
:'''Big Boy''': You dumb Dick.
:'''The Nerd''': It was all right, but its popularity was short-lived. I think it was just an excuse for the kids to say &quot;Dick&quot;.
:'''Flattop''': I guess that's the end of Dick.
:'''Itchy''': Yeah. 30 seconds, no more Dick! 30 seconds, no more Dick!
:'''Big Boy:''' Dumb Dick.
:'''The Nerd:''' You know, [[w:Dick Van Dyke|Dick Van Dyke]] is in the movie. ''[turns to the camera]'' You think that's enough Dicks? ''[holds up the &quot;Dick Tracy&quot; VHS to the camera]'' Like, seriously, when this movie came out, I never said &quot;Dick&quot; so much before in my life. Every kid on the block was runnin' around sayin' &quot;Dick Tracy&quot;, &quot;Dick Tracy&quot;, &quot;Dick this&quot; and &quot;Dick that&quot;! My dad said, &quot;Can't you just call him Richard Tracy?&quot; And I was like, &quot;You know... how is 'Dick' short for 'Richard'?&quot; That doesn't even make any sense. It's like Bill and William, or Jim and James. But at least Bill and Will rhyme, and Jim and James both start with a J. But Richard and Dick? Like, nobody ever says &quot;Dickard&quot;.

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:'''The Nerd:''' So you get to 5th &amp; B, you go inside, and then the game goes to a side-scroller mode. ''[Zooms in on Dick Tracy's in-game sprite]'' What the hell's wrong with Dickard? He looks like he's got a bad suntan.

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:'''The Nerd:''' So I go straight over to 8th &amp; J, and it's swarming with bad guys. Even going into this place with full health, it's hard to survive to the end. It's hard as Dick. 
:'''The Nerd:''' So, I get to Numbers, I arrest him, and then...I need more ''evidence?''
:''[footage of the game with Dick Tracy's superior officer scolding him by saying, &quot;You need more evidence before you can arrest someone, Tracy! What's wrong with you?&quot; Apparently, the Nerd is just appalled by this, and this is apparently James D. Rolfe's true anger.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' ''[voice cracks]'' You gotta be fuckin' kidding me! That's '''''ridiculous!''''' Like, '''''what?!''''' Like, you have to travel all around and go to five different buildings, four to get the clues, and then the last one to arrest Numbers! ''All without dying once!'' '''THAT'S WHORESHIT!''' ​And I didn't say &quot;horseshit,&quot; I said ''&quot;whorefuck&quot;.'' '''LIKE A ''WHORE'' TAKIN' A ''FUCK!''''' ''[drinks some Rolling Rock]'' You know, remember when you were a little kid, it was fuckin' Friday, you did all your homework, and you rented a game from the local video store. And this was it, this was your whole weekend; this one game. You didn't have anything else to do, so you had no choice, '''''but to keep playing THAT FIRST PART OF THE GAME OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN!'' AND IT'S LIKE, &quot;YOU KNOW WHAT?&quot; IT'S LIKE, &quot;I WANNA SEE THE REST OF THE GAME, ''YOU CAN'T JUST LET THE GAME FUCKIN' WIN LIKE THAT!&quot;''''' So, '''''THAT'S''''' why you don't give up.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' It begs the question: &quot;Are there '''any''' health power-ups?&quot; And to tell you the truth, I've heard that there is. But I haven't found any, not ''one''. I actually found a heart, yeah, a fuckin' heart, but it did absolutely nothing at all. Yeah, a fuckin' heart that did fuckin' nothing! So, where the power-ups are, I have no idea, but they're probably not in any of the main buildings. They're probably in some obscure building that you wouldn't think to go in anyway, and the roof is probably covered with snipers, which defeats the whole purpose of going there.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' I have another update: I've been informed countless times that the hearts ''are'' the power-ups. So, if the hearts are the power-ups, why don't they do anything? Well, here's how it works. You have to select the fuckin' thing. It's called a First Aid Kit. And then you use it by pressing B, right? No, it still doesn't do jack-shit. You have to hold ''down'' Select and press B at the same time. But that doesn't work either, because as soon as you press Select, it goes to the next item. The trick is that you have to select the item that comes ''before'' the First Aid, and then hold ''down'' Select, so ''now'' the First Aid should be selected, while you're still holding Select. ''Then'' you press B, and there you go! ''How the fuck'' was I supposed to know that?! Why couldn't you just push B like all the other items? 'What kind of stupid fuckin' dick-brained idiot programmed it like that?!

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:'''The Nerd:''' '''''THIS'' IS THE REASON WHY GAME GENIE WAS INVENTED! I'VE BEEN PLAYING THIS GAME FOR ALMOST 20 ''FUCKIN' YEARS,'' AND I STILL ''CAN'T GET PAST THE FIRST STAGE!''''' So why am I still trying? I don't know, I'm just a sucker for Dick Tracy. &quot;Sucker for Dick&quot;, ''that'' didn't sound good. I'm gonna tell you right now that anybody would have given up on this game had it not been for the name. They made one of the most frustrating games of all time, they took the name &quot;Dick Tracy&quot;, and slapped it on the cover just like slapping their own greedy dick! Well, if this game is dick, then we were the '''''balls.'''''
:'''The Nerd:''' And you know, I really wanted to give it a chance, because '''''I KINDA LIKED''''' the idea of finding clues, and figuring out where to go, like it made you think like a detective. But, '''''ONE guy?! No continues?!''''' Like, seriously, give me a reason why there's no continues. '''WHY ARE THERE NO CONTINUES?! ''WHY ARE THERE NO FUCKING CONTINUES?!?''''' &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''WHYYYYYYY?!?! AAAAGH!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt; 
:''[The Nerd guzzles down some more Rolling Rock, does a [[w:Mortal Kombat (1992 video game)|Mortal Kombat]] scream into his pillow, and then has a meltdown.]'' 
:'''The Nerd:''' ''[bellowing]'' '''''FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-FUCKING-FUCKING-FUCK! FUCKING-FUCK! FUUUUUCK!''''' ''[The Nerd finishes his Rolling Rock, grabs a drill and drills through the game as the cartridge spins uncontrollably, then the screen quickly cuts black as the Nerd smashes the game with a hammer.]''

=== [[w:Dracula in popular culture|Dracula]] ===

:'''AVGN''': ''(Playing [[w:The Count (video game)|The Count]] on the [[w:Commodore VIC-20|Commodore VIC-20]], the Nerd types in &quot;Eat pillow&quot; when the game text asks him what he wants to do. The game responds &quot;'''Yuck!'''&quot;)'' Okay, so I ate the pillow? I didn't expect that. &quot;Get up.&quot; ''(Game responds &quot;'''I'm in a bedroom. Closed window. Brass Bed. North.'''&quot;)'' Uhhh...okay. &quot;Go north.&quot; ''(Game responds &quot;'''OK. What shall I do now?'''&quot;)'' Okay, so I went north? What did that do? &quot;Go east.&quot; ''(Game responds &quot;'''OK. What shall I do now?'''&quot;)'' &quot;Go east again.&quot; ''(Game responds &quot;'''Use 1 or 2 words only!'''&quot;)'' Oh okay. I'll give you two words! &quot;Fuck you!&quot; ''(Game responds &quot;'''Don't know how to &quot;FUCK&quot; something.'''&quot; The Nerd looks on in shock, and does a facepalm)''

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:'''AVGN''': ''(Playing the unreleased ''[[w:Drac's Night Out|Drac's Night Out]]'' on NES, which features [[w:Reebok Pump|Reebok Pumps]] as a power-up)'' Your only real power-ups are the Reebok Pumps. They let you run faster and jump higher. You really need to get these shoes, because without them, you get your ass handed to you. That's what I call a powerup, and that's what I call a promotion. Reebok Pumps! You ain't shit without it! Pump it up and air it out!

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:'''AVGN''': Even though it pisses me off, I can't really complain because this game was never released. It's like somebody took a fuck and buried it and then someone else decided to dig it up. It's like &quot;What do you expect?&quot;

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:'''AVGN''': ''(Upon finding the name of television producer [[w:Fred Fuchs|Fred Fuchs]] in the credits for ''[[w:Bram Stoker's Dracula (video game)|Bram Stoker's Dracula]]'' on SNES)'' Wait, who's this? Fred Fudge - Fred Fucks?! FRED FUCKS?! Fred Fucks! Oh my God, &quot;Fred Fucks&quot;! Ohh, my God, it's Fred Fucks! (Laughs awkwardly) Fred Fucks.

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:'''AVGN''': ''(Playing ''Bram Stoker's Dracula'' on Sega CD)'' I actually did manage to get to Dracula, at least in his first form, and he looks just as laughable as he did in the movie. But the most ridiculous part is when you die.
:'''Keanu Reeves:''' ''(Screams)''
:'''AVGN''': ''(Mimics scream)'' What the hell, is that clip even from the movie? I don't know, maybe it's from ''Bill &amp; Ted''.
:'''Keanu Reeves:''' ''(Screams)''

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:'''AVGN''':  The game looks amazing for its time, but the control is what kills it. It's so awkward trying to jump. You fall through shit, and the attacks are so delayed. It's impossible to turn around and hit your enemies before they hit you, you just wish you had a whip or a sword or something, not your bare hands. All you get is this stupid little kick to kick the fuckin' rats. Yeah, that's all it is is just rats and bats. How many fucking games need to have bats? Like seriously, I know it's Dracula, but why does every game have every fucking bats?! Seriously. I! Fucking! Hate! Bats! ''(Bites and fights a bat as he throws a bat to the wall then he groans.)'' I'm sick of it all! Morning sun, VANQUISH ME!!! ''(Opens blinds as he cries out.)''

=== [[w:Frankenstein (disambiguation)|Frankenstein]] ===
:'''AVGN''': Alright, so tonight we'll do something a little different. Cause I haven't tortured myself enough with all these shitty games! So I created a monster to conduct the review for me. Behold, Franken-Nerd! I could really use another bolt of lightning! (lightning strikes and the Nerd pulls the switch) Yeah! It's alive! It's alive!

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:'''AVGN''': This is the game. [Franken-Nerd growls] ''[[w:Mary Shelley's Frankenstein (video game)|Mary Shelley's Frankenstein]]'' on Super Nintendo. Game, good.
:'''Mike Matei as Franken-Nerd''': Good.
:'''AVGN''': [chuckles] You bet your ass it's good. (The Nerd puts in the game) Here's the controller for you, hit start and knock yourself out. Have fun.

&lt;hr width&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(after shutting off Franken-Nerd, who was playing ''The Adventures of Dr. Franken'' for the Nerd up until then)'' The biggest mistake Dr. Frankenstein made. If you're gonna make a monster, you better be able to shut it down. ...But unfortunately, I can't shut off the game, for the monsters in my soul. It's my duty - (Chuckles) &quot;doody&quot; - to play it for myself and ''explain'' why this game sucks! 'Cause I created a monster, and there's no turning back.

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:'''AVGN''': ''(Playing ''[[w:Frankenstein: The Monster Returns|Frankenstein: The Monster Returns]]'' on the [[w:Nintendo Entertainment System|NES]]]'' Stage four is the final stage. Yeah they chose to keep the game as short as possible, yet as annoying as possible. This place is all fucked up. There's all these weird faces in the background. Like where are you supposed to be? Beside Satan's asshole?

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:'''AVGN''': So now, just to try again I gotta type in the fucking password! It's so tedious! I mean it's not the longest password I've ever seen but it's still longer than necessary. But unlike most passwords if you move the d-pads to the sides, it doesn't move your cursor to the other side! So say your cursor's on the letter K and you need to move to J, in most games all you need to do is move your cursor left and it will show up on J. But here, you can't do that! You have to move the cursor all the way to the fucking J! A lot of effort considering J comes right before K. It's so fucked up. And, also, if you enter the password and it turns out that it's wrong, like if you messed up on one letter it erases the whole thing and you gotta type it in all over again! Why can't I just go back and fix the one letter? I really ''hate'' this password thing in general because, what's the point? You should have unlimited continues. Yeah, because the only reason you should have to put in a password is if you turn the game off and want to come back to it later. As long as you're still playing, you're gonna keep playing the same stages over and over and over again, so what's the point of sending you all the way back to the beginning? The earlier stages are the easiest, and those are the stages you end up playing the most. It's the later stages where you need the most practice! It's all about trial and error. Like imagine if in high school, you fail out of senior year. What happens? You do senior year again, right? You don't have to go back and do freshman year again! So, BOTTOM LINE, HAVE UNLIMITED CONTINUES! Goddammit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Anyway, I can't get past the vines so I'm going to cheat with Game Genie, the last resort. But check out these codes! &quot;Almost unlimited energy&quot;, &quot;Invincibility after losing first life - May cause the game to freeze&quot;, &quot;Start with no continues&quot;, &quot;Can not collect extra energy&quot;, and &quot;One hit is fatal&quot;! What kinds of codes are these!? Is there like some sick fuck who thinks the game isn't hard enough? Like somebody who wants to be tortured some more? Well, how about this? I got a code for you. How about a code that just starts you off dead? ''(Subtitle: &quot;PHUCKEWE&quot;)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': At first the code works fine but then I found out if you collect energy it takes life away. Not that you would need to collect energy, but it's kinda silly, isn't it? And, guess what, once you get to the vines, you still die! Well, that would have been nice! Why couldn't the code say Invincibility Except For The Vines? Even if you pass the vines the invinciblity goes away so you're left with your own wits to fight Frankenstein. So, fuck the Game Genie, and let me tell you when Game Genie doesn't help, you know you're fucked! ''(the Nerd throws the Game Genie.)'' So, you fight Frankenstein. His first form's pretty easy, but, then, he grows into a giant Super Frankenstein. Come on! Come on! Come on, you fucking Fuckinstein! ''(Lightning strikes the Franken-Nerd and he starts attacking the Nerd while he's fighting Super Frankenstein and a rock version of the Angry Video Game Nerd theme plays then the Nerd eventually beats Super Frankenstein)'' Yeah! ''(The NES Toploader electrocutes the TV as the TV explodes, an explosion kills the Franken-Nerd)''

=== [[w:CD-i|CD-i Part One]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Ohhhhh, boy, let’s talk about the Philips CD-i. Now, if you’re not familiar with the backstory, I’ll give you a quick little run-down. Nintendo was working in conjunction with Philips to produce a CD-based add-on for the Super NES, which never came through. Now Nintendo was also working with Sony on the same concept, and we all know what came of that: the PlayStation. (The Nerd holds up the PlayStation with both hands.) But as for Philips, they too made their own game console, however they had permission to utilize some of the Nintendo franchises. Now what came to that was a shitty Mario game, (Hotel Mario) and three shitty Zelda games: Link: The Faces of Evil, Zelda’s Adventure, and Zelda: The Wand of Gamelon. (The Nerd tries to open the awkward looking case for &quot;Wand of Gamelon.&quot;) (awkwardly) Okay. These games are ''notorious'' for their legendary ass suckage, which is hard to believe! How can there exist a bad ''Zelda'' game, let alone ''three'' of them? And on a console that's not Nintendo? Well if you haven't heard of 'em, you might think you're living under a rock, but let me tell you, it's a rock worth living under.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': But before we get to the ''Zelda'' games, let's start off with ''[[w:Hotel Mario|Hotel Mario]]''. The price on this one, I got to be honest, was zero because this one was a donation. Thanks, Casey! You might as well have sent me a turd wrapped in tinfoil.

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:'''AVGN''': So, often, you find yourself having to hit up on the down arrow, and when you go down to the up arrow you press down. That's fucking confusing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The game is actually more reminiscent of arcade games from the early ‘80s like Donkey Kong and Mario Bros. And for something like that, Hotel Mario actually isn’t too bad. It is challenging, I’ll give it that, but the fact is, this was not the early ‘80s; this was 1994, and it was a next-generation console. Originally, they planned to release a sequel to [[w:Super Mario World|Super Mario World]] titled [[w:Super Mario’s Wacky Worlds|Super Mario's Wacky Worlds]], but it was cancelled, and what we got was this. (Hotel Mario) End of story. Well, all the CD-i stuff is a shit sandwich that’s too big for one mouthful. So check in for Part 2, we’re gonna look at the Zelda games.

=== [[w:CD-i|CD-i Part Two]] ===
:'''AVGN''': ''(discussing the boss battles)'' When you kill them, you get these amusing cutscenes.
:'''Hectan''': You've killed me!
:'''Zelda''': Good!
:'''AVGN''': ''(horrified face)'' &quot;Good!&quot; ''(laughs)'' &quot;You killed me!&quot; &quot;Good!&quot; ''(laughs insanely, then starts saying &quot;FUCK!&quot; in a very chicken-like voice while giving both middle fingers. Then he stops and picks up Rolling Rock)'' Gotta calm down. ''(drinks it, then resumes playing)'' Oh, man, I'm going completely insane. But I can't quit because I'm up to Ganon.
:'''Ganon''': YOU DARE BRING LIGHT TO MY LAIR!? YOU MUST DIE!
:'''AVGN''': He looks like a joke! He makes the Ganon from the cartoon series look badass!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Well, in conclusion, some might say that there are redeeming factors to this game. The music's pretty cool, and the graphics are nice and colorful. Some might call it a &quot;mixed bag.&quot; But let me tell you what kind of mixed bag. It’s a trash bag that's had a bad day. Like, say, your mom cleans out the cat litter; fresh and stale doody pebbles go right in the bottom of the bag. And then your sister throws out her used tampons, and where do they go? In the same bag. And then your brother comes home, piss-ass drunk, just upchucks, pukes right into the bag! Now, I'm not trying to be disgusting, but that is a realistic situation, and what it all comes down to, that's a nasty bag. But I'd rather take that shit out to the garbage than deal with this piece of fuck! Fuck this game, get out of my face!

=== [[w:CD-i|CD-i Part Three]] ===

:'''AVGN''': ''(Playing ''[[w:CD-i games based on The Legend of Zelda series|Link: The Faces of Evil]]'')'' And the jumping is still a big problem. Come on, why can't I get up there? ''(Link falls off platform)'' Oh, your mother! ''(Link jumps up and misses)'' Oh, you son of a bitch. Get up there! ''(Link jumps up and misses again, later falls off ledge)'' ''Ungh!'' ''(Link jumps up and misses once again)'' It's time to start droppin' some F-Bombs! ''(as literal F-Bombs fly from his mouth)'' FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!!

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:'''AVGN''': The darkness is still a huge issue. Look, my lantern oil ran out, so I can't find my way back. So I'm really up Shit Creek without a paddle! And that means I'm paddling through the shit with my hands.

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:'''AVGN''': Talking to people is still a strange ordeal. Why do you have to shove a sword up their ass? Right up their ass.

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:'''AVGN''': Then you gotta wake Zelda. Come on! I'm here to rescue your royal ass. Get the hell up! Wake the fuck up! ''(swings the sword at the gong above Zelda)'' Oh, I get it.
:'''Link:''' I just saved you from Ganon! I won!
:'''AVGN''': Nothing short of poetry.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': In other Zelda games, there’s secret passageways that transport you all around the dungeon. That makes sense. But here, when you’re just walking to the next screen, and suddenly appear some place different on the map, it’s like, &quot;What the Hell happened to this game?&quot; I don't believe this! Like, [Stammers] I seriously don't believe this! ''[drinks beer]'' That's it, that's all I can take. How could they fuck up ''Zelda'' this bad!? It's not a ''Zelda'' game, I wouldn't call it that. &quot;Oh, but it is. It has Zelda in it, it has Link...&quot; Yeah, you know what, that's a pointless argument right there. That's like if your dad said, &quot;I fucked your mom.&quot; It's like: &quot;I can't argue with that!&quot; Playing these games is as worthwhile as melting a dog turd in a frying pan. Yeah, put some buffalo puke and some cat piss all over it, and you have a shit sandwich that is Zelda CD-i! This game FUCKING SUCKS! ''(hurls a game off-screen)'' FUCKING SUCKS! ''(hurls a second game off-screen)'' FUCKING SUCKS! ''(hurls a third game off-screen)'' Oh yeah, and the ''Mario'' game? That one sucks too! ''(hurls ''Hotel Mario'' off-screen)'' CD-i SUCKS!!! ''(as the screen fade to black, AVGN is heard seemingly hurling the CD-i console itself as well)''

=== Bible Games II ===

:'''AVGN''': Welcome to another sacrilegious Christmas fuck-fest! Now, two years ago, I played a bunch of Bible games. Yeah, now would you believe there's actually more of them? (He holds more Bible games) Like, who makes video games based off the Bible? Why would you do that? These games suck ass! If I was God, I'd be pissed.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(playing ''[[w:Exodus (video game)|Exodus]]'' on the NES)'' So the exit appears, you take it and then you get a bunch of Bible questions such as &quot;'''The king of Egypt told the Hebrew midwives to: Kill male babies; Kill all babies;'''&quot; &quot;Kill all babies&quot;? I'm playing an NES game that says &quot;''Kill all babies''&quot;? And you know what? That's the wrong answer, so that obviously means that's something they made up. &quot;Kill all babies&quot;!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(playing ''[[w:Sunday Funday|Sunday Funday]]'' which is a clone of Menace Beach)'' Instead of trying to rescue your girl, you're not even going to believe this when I tell you, you're trying to get to Sunday school. Yeah. Now, as much as that's the dumbest idea I've ever heard for a game, what I don't understand is why that's so difficult! Who ''are'' these raging atheists that don't want you to go to church!? It's bad enough that the entire town is trying to stop you, but what's with the flying clowns, the old ladies coming out of boxes, and animals coming out of sewer holes? What's this guy's problem? Like why does everyone want him dead? I'd say he's having quite a day. And the funny thing is, he probably gets to church and doesn't even mention it, like: &quot;Oh what did you do on this Sunday morning before church?&quot; &quot;Oh, well I flew on a balloon that I got from some clown, and then I went through the sewers and beat up a bunch of plumbers. I hopped on some frog and bounced around on a bunch of springs and shit, then I threw a bomb and blew some guy's fuckin' face off.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': All right, well that's enough with that one. It's time to wrap things up. I've got something to blow the lid off the crap barrel. Time to flick the shit switch, turn up the diarrhea dial! IT'S BIBLE GAMES ON CD-I!! Yeah! We're living on the edge! More like living on a prayer!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(playing'' Pyramid Pursuit ''on'' Moses: The Exodus'' for CD-i)'' The voices are the fuckest baloney shit you'll ever hear.
:'''Anubis statue''': ''(in monotone)'' I'm an idol worshipped by many. There's someone downstairs who worships me.
:'''AVGN''': What is it, a robot?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Alright, well I'm done. There's not really any more Bible games, or at least ones that actually qualify as games. There's one on Game Boy called The King James Bible. It's extremely rare, but all it is is literally the whole Bible on a Game Boy cartridge. So I'm gonna draw the line right there. So have a Happy Holidays and all that good shit. Merry Christmas to all, and all a good fucking night!

=== [[w:Michael Jackson's Moonwalker|Michael Jackson's Moonwalker]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' I think Dave Chappelle said it best, he made ''Thriller. [opens the vinyl record of &quot;Thriller&quot;] Thriller.''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Now, I know what we're all thinking here, but really, that's all it is. You're just rescuing the kids.
:''[He is shocked to learn that you can make Michael Jackson grab his crotch.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Why...? Why would they put that in the game?! ''How'' could they put that in the game?!

=== [[w:Milon's Secret Castle|Milon's Secret Castle]] ===
:''[Milon runs out a door, and gets hit by lightning in-game.]'' 
:'''The Nerd''': Fuck.

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:'''The Nerd''': I'm gonna give you a little tour. Here's the first part of the game. You could explore the whole outside of the castle, but you can't go up to the second level yet. For now, all you have is three doors and a window. The first door leads to a room that has nothing interesting. The only thing interesting here is an area with a bunch of money. But how the Hell do you get over there? It's like the game is deliberately taunting you. &quot;Hey, you want that money, don't ya? You want that money, yeah, you want that money, you want that money? Yeah, well '''fuck you''', you can't have it!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So, that's when you need... the power. ''[The Nerd puts down the controller and gets out his Nintendo Power magazine.]'' ''Nintendo Power''! It's like: &quot;You wanna know how to beat the game? Well, you gotta '''buy our magazine''', you dumb little shits!&quot; 
:'''The Nerd''': This is the ''Classified Information'' section. Usually, this is all about cheats. &quot;''Golgo 13'': Stage Select. ''Spy Hunter'': Start with all weapons. ''Wizards and Warriors'': Bypass the Wizard! ''Mario 2'': Short Cuts to Birdo. ''Milon's Secret Castle'': Getting Started?&quot; That's not a cheat! That's just how to play the fuckin' game! The basic rules of the game needed ''Nintendo Power''. ''That''... is some fuck!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''':''Milon's Secret Castle''. More like '''''Milon's SHITTY ASSHOLE'''''!

== Season Four ==

=== [[w:Atari Jaguar|Atari Jaguar Part One]] ===
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:'''AVGN''': This started a little trend I like to call the &quot;Bit Wars.&quot; Nobody ever talked about bits before that and nobody ever talked about bits since. And what are bits, anyway? Nobody knew, they're just bits! Try explaining that to your parents. &quot;Well I want a [[w:Super Nintendo|Super Nintendo]] for Christmas!&quot; &quot;Don't you already have a Nintendo?&quot; &quot;Yeah, but this one's 16 bit!&quot; &quot;What's that?&quot; &quot;...I dunno!&quot;

=== [[w:Atari Jaguar|Atari Jaguar Part Two]] ===

:'''AVGN''': ''(playing ''[[w:Attack of the Mutant Penguins|Attack of the Mutant Penguins]]'')'' This is the weirdest game I've ever played. I mean, it's not ''bad'' if you're drunk or high or something, but how did they come up with this shit? I got it. I could come up with a game like this. How about, you're a shark? And you gotta shake palm trees 'til trains fall down. And you put the trains in an apple and then turkeys come and eat the apples, and then the turkeys go up waterfalls and to get them down, you have to collect monkey butts. So you drop the monkey butts on power lines and... ''(trails off and mimes his brain exploding)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Skylar''': ''(the green face from ''[[w:Cybermorph|Cybermorph]]'' appears from behind AVGN's futon and chases him off)'' Where did ''you'' learn to fly? Where did ''you'' learn to fly? Where did ''you'' learn to fly?
:'''AVGN''': ''(shoots Skylar's image with the Super Scope)'' Where'd ''you'' learn to be an ''asshole''?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''':There's something about this that perplexes me. You have a game console, that not many people owned, so you make an add-on that requires owning the game console. What were they thinking?! It should've just been its own individual game system. Besides, the fucking thing has its own AC adapter. So, that's two. One for the Jaguar, and one for the Jaguar CD. And that's some cool looking design. It looks just like a toilet. Yeah! It's a fucking toilet! What a perfect analogy. 

&lt;hr width&quot;50$%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Well, thanks for trying. And thanks for the Pong console. Would you believe that a 30-year-old Pong console attached to a cell phone adapter would work, but a cutting-edge, snarling Jaguar doesn't? There's something wrong here. And you know what? I blew 250 bucks on this thing. So, you know what I did? Bought another one. Yeah, and guess what? It doesn't work, either! So, that's about $450 total I blew on two dead Jaguars. And these things are rare! So when the only two that I can manage to get my hands on just don't work, that leads me to believe that these things most definitely are self-aware. They don't wanna work! You can't make 'em! They just REFUSE to be reviewed! And I've never had that happen. So, the end... I gotta take a shit.

=== [[w:Metal Gear (video game)|Metal Gear]] ===
:'''AVGN''': And his full name is [[w:Solid Snake|Solid Snake]]? Might as well just be Erect Cock!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': What!? '''You son-of-a-bitch!''' The enemies respawn if you use the binoculars! You can't do anything! Was this a glitch?! Or were the game designers deliberately trying to be '''FUCKIN' ASSHOLES!!?''' Seriously! And this whole jungle scene wasn't even in the original version. Like, &quot;Hmm, let's see, what kind of stupid shit can we add? Let's take a great game and just dump an assload of diarrhea all over it.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': This game is the fucking crust between your balls. It's terrible! And yeah, I know it's a classic game, but when something's fucked up, it's fucked up. So if you wanna rip me a new asshole, that's fine. I have like 12. Yeah, I've got a [[w:Charlie Brown|Charlie Brown]] ghost ass.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': And it's not just me. [[w:Hideo Kojima|Hideo Kojima]] himself said &quot;It slurped anal grease through a warthog's dickhole.&quot; Well, he didn't say it like that, he said it wasn't faithful to his original game.

=== [[w:Magnavox Odyssey|Odyssey]] ===

:'''AVGN''': These are the games. Pretty elaborate, right? The titles are the best part. Like what are some of the games you grew up with? Maybe ''Wrecking Crew'' on the NES, or ''After Burner'' on the Sega Master System, or, how about, game number 1 on the Odyssey?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Now let's try the skiing game. All you do is move the light through the slopes, and with these controllers, it's harder than it looks. The only goal is to stay in the line and see how fast you can get to the end. It's up to the other player to keep time. Now THAT is what you would call a ''desperate'' attempt at a video game.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': This one's called &quot;Analogic&quot;. Yeah, that sounds fun: It's like the logic in your ass. It's supposed to take place in outer space. You each start on your own planet. I guess maybe Uranus and My-anus!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(talking about the name-the-United-State game)'' I also love how the instructions tell you that Alaska and Hawaii aren't really down there ''(below the 48 consecutive states)''. Hey, Nerdy Turd, did you know that Hawaii isn't really south of Texas?
:'''Nerdy Turd:''' ''(raspberry)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': So now, let's see what the Odyssey Gun looks like. ''(removes the peripheral, resembling an authentic rifle, out of its box)'' Well, the Odyssey doesn't fuck around. I mean, this is what you'd call a ''gun''. I mean look at it! It's a gun! It's a fucking rifle! I mean, they could never get away with this nowadays! You could never, ever... it ju- it just blows my mind that there could exist a video game console that has a gun like this! ''(expresses happiness)'' Let's try it out! (hooks up the Odyssey gun and fires it, accidentally shooting a hole in his TV screen)

=== [[w:List of X-Men video games|X-Men]] ===
:'''AVGN''': Anyway, with a concept like ''X-Men'', you'd expect a great game. Or at least, a fairly decent game. All the characters and powers and shit... How hard could it be? Well, we are doomed from the very start. Take a look: ''(holds up ''[[w:The Uncanny X-Men (video game)|The Uncanny X-Men]]'' for NES)'' Somebody makes an ''X-Men'' game for Nintendo, why in the love of fuck does it have to be [[w:LJN|LJN]]? You take one look at that logo, and you just know: There is no gold at the end of that rainbow, because this, my friends, is the unholy stamp of death.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': How I can be frozen with a character that's called Iceman? I'd be better off with Iceman from ''Top Gun''.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The X-Men game I remember most fondly is the [[w:X-Men (1992 video game)|arcade]] by Konami. Some versions have six players and a double panoramic screen. It was extremely monotonous, but satisfying as all Hell.
:'''Magneto''': X-Men, welcome to die!
:'''AVGN''': Welcome to die? Okay. It was a classic style beat 'em up, and one of the best in that category. Only problem: it was never released on a home console. It suffered the same fate as Konami's Simpsons game. Some might say these games would have been butchered on their home counterparts, but if you look at how well Turtles in Time fared on the Super NES, it only raises the question: &quot;Why the fuck not do the same to X-Men and Simpsons?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': When it comes to X-Men games, that's how I recommended. But the two NES versions? Stay away. Stay away as far as possible. They suck. They suck balls! This one sucks my left ball, this one sucks my right ball! WELCOME TO DIE! ''(destroys the NES games with laser beams from his eyes)''

=== [[w:Terminator video games|The Terminator]] ===
:''[Terminator-styled AVGN intro, followed by the Nerd picking up the NES &quot;Terminator&quot; cartridge. He uses Terminator vision to choose from a selection of responses: &quot;This sucks!&quot;, &quot;No way!&quot;, &quot;Oh no!&quot;, &quot;What a piece of fucking dog shit!&quot; and &quot;Go to Hell!&quot;. He settles on &quot;What a piece of fucking dog shit!&quot;]''
:'''The Nerd''': What a piece of fuckin dog shit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[He returns to NES Terminator after mining lives by attaching a wrench to the controller]'' Alright, I'm back. I'm all refreshed, ready to play some more ''Terminator'' with all new extra lives. All 6 of 'em... ''[The Nerd stops after he finds out that he still only has 6 lives]'' ''(shocked)'' 6? '''''Only 6?!'''''  OK, I gotta be honest. It's only one digit, I didn't expect more than nine. But why a random number like 6?! That means that some fucked up masochist actually programmed it that way, and made a decision, &quot;Hmm, let's see. Well, anything more than 6, that's too much.&quot; Fuckin' asshole! The only thing I can think of now, is to wait 'til you die 5 times and do it again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing the SNES game]'' After such a long sprint, you'd think that thing was maybe the boss, but no, how naïve. So you keep running this everlasting shitty marathon, shooting shit and getting shit shot at you. Eventually you come to the boss, right? It's certainly big enough to be the boss, and it certainly took long enough to get this far. I'm gonna say it's the boss. Come on, die! Die! Yeah, alright, that's it. What now? What? Are you fucking kidding me? Holy mother in fucking God shit holy mackerel gosh damn, how is it not over yet?! How long could this first level possibly go?! Unless maybe the whole game is like this! I just can't fuckin' believe it! So I died, like anybody would. Game Over. First level goes on forever. Can't beat it. End of story. The game's impossible.

=== [[w:Terminator video games|Terminator 2: Judgement Day]] ===

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''[on ''Terminator 2'' on SNES]'' All I can say is, my ''God,'' the control is ''so'' bad. It's so stiff, and you can't punch anyone when they're too close. But check out the jump. What is that good for? It's like he's a marionette, or he's being hanged by an invisible rope. ''(The Terminator hops forward awkwardly)'' Like, holy Lord, that is some fuck right there. Look at him go! Wooo, wooo, wooo! ''(chuckling)'' Oh, God. I can't see the reasoning behind it. You can't make something that funny by accident. They took somebody as badass as the Terminator, and made him into a mockery. It's a fuckin' joke! And I'm not just doin' this to be funny, it's because of how slow he walks. The only way to go any faster is to hop around like a fuckin' idiot.

=== [[w:Transformers: Convoy no Nazo|Transformers]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': Let me ask a question. What kind of format do you usually play video games on? Cartridges, CDs, cards, floppy disks... how about an audio cassette? Isn't that just a weird thought to play a game on a friggin' cassette tape? This is Transformers for the Commodore 64, the computer that is most definitely more than meets the eye.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[reviewing ''[[w:The Transformers (1986 video game)|Transformers]]'' on the Commodore 64]'' By the way, I'm at a farm with a dinosaur stepping on a space shuttle. I have no comment.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Wouldn't you think that a game based on the Transformers would have more emphasis on action rather than this strategic simulation thing? Well, guess what? There was a Transformers game that was a side-scroller. But only in Japan. Let me introduce the Nintendo Famicom. Simply put, this is the Japanese [[w:Nintendo Entertainment System|NES]]. Very different from that gray box, isn't it? This one's smaller and it's a top-loader. It has a nice dust tray. And the controller's attached to the console, which is efficient. But the wires are too short, and they're hardwired into the console, so you can never change them. The controllers are the same; Select, Start, B, A. But the second controller, instead of Select and Start, it has a microphone. Very few games utilized this. From what I understand, in The Legend of Zelda, you kill Pols Voice by making a loud noise into the mic. Of course that's only in the Japanese version, but the manual still says that Pols Voice hates loud noises, which only mystified players outside of Japan. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[reviewing &quot;Transformers: Convoy no Nazo&quot;]'' Everything's so small, so fast, and moves at such irregular patterns, hitting your mark is like trying to piss into a shot glass that's spinning on a record player that's strapped to a running cheetah's back while you're riding a unicycle on a tightrope blindfolded.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[the Nerd is fighting the boss battle against [[w:Megatron (Transformers)|Megatron]] in stage nine.]''
:'''The Nerd''': It's the end of the road, Megatron!  UUNNNHH! '''HUUAAH!''' '''''HUNNNGGHH!'''''! Come on, come on, die! Hugh! ''[defeats Megatron]'' BOOM! Yeeeaaaah!!! Now that's some intense shit right there. In conclusion, all I can say about this game--
:''[as the Nerd is talking, the level startup music plays and the stage theme begins playing again, this time for the tenth and final stage. The Nerd pauses the game in disbelief.]''
:'''The Nerd''': Stage ''ten?'' I fuckin' beat Megatron, who the hell could be next? Fuckin' &quot;stage ten&quot;, my ass! I'm guessing if Megatron's not the final boss, it's gotta be [[w:Galvatron|Galvatron]] or maybe [[w:Unicron|Unicron]] or Fuckitron, who knows. 
:''[the final boss of the game is [[w:Trypticon|Trypticon]], who is in his form that makes him strongly resemble [[w:Mechagodzilla|Mecha-Godzilla]].]''
:'''The Nerd''': Oh. It's Mecha-Godzilla. Of course. I should've known.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So now, is it any wonder why this game was never released outside of Japan? ''''''CAUSE NOBODY ELSE WANTS TO PLAY THIS FUCKIN' SHIT!''''' Well, I gotta do what I gotta do. ''[points the Zapper at the Famicom]'' One shall stand, one shall-- ''[the Famicom transforms into Optimus Prime.]'' Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa. Who are you?
:'''Optimus Prime:''' My name is Optimus Prime.
:'''The Nerd''': Well, you don't look anything like-- ''[Optimus blasts the Nerd with a laser]'' '''''Ugh!'''''
:'''Optimus Prime:''' ''[using audio from ''[[w:The Transformers: The Movie|The Transformers: The Movie]]'']'' (You, who are without mercy, now plead for it?) I thought you were made of sterner stuff.

=== [[w:Mario is Missing|Mario Is Missing]] ===

:'''AVGN''': What's this say? &quot;Koopas seem to have gotten clean away with King Kong&quot;? Are you telling me you're supposed to return [[w:King Kong|King Kong]] to the [[w:Empire State Building|Empire State Building]]? This blows my mind on '''so''' many levels. First of all, how did the Koopas capture King Kong? Second, why is New York City concerned that King Kong was stolen from the Empire State Building? Remember when the planes were tryin' to shoot him down? Isn't it pretty clear they want Kong '''''off''''' the building? Third, if this is supposed to be an educational game teaching us things that belong to New York City, '''''WHY IN THE HOLY MOTHER OF FUCK DID THEY CHOOSE A GIANT APE THAT DOESN'T EVEN EXIST?!''''' Fourth, the bag. Okay, King Kong is like, 50 feet tall or somethin'? But in this game, they made him out to be, like, 1,500 feet. How big ''is'' he exactly? Well, if bigger than the Empire State Building isn't a good enough analogy, then let's just say, '''''A LOT BIGGER THAN THAT FUCKIN' BAG!''''' And fifth, I can't grasp the concept that King Kong is in a ''Mario'' game, the same character that was a direct inspiration for Donkey Kong, who also appeared in games with the Mario character. Are we running into some kinda paradox here or what?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': There's sort of like a help desk where you're supposed to return the object or the landmark or whatever, but the lady at the window won't talk to you unless you call Yoshi to come and give ya an extra boost. Okay, so are you telling me that the reason that stupid bitch won't talk to you at first is because Luigi is too short to reach the window? For fuck's sake, he can jump higher than the shittin' thing! How stupid do they think we are?! &quot;'''Use Yoshi to reach the help desk'''&quot;. Well, how about use my greasy Italian plumber cock to whack you across the fuckin' face!?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': You know what? Educate me. '''Please''' educate me. Because, I'm goin' through sensory deprivation! I'm so fuckin' bored I'd rather go back to school than play this shit!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Educational or not, these games are '''''horrible''''' abominations of space and time that give insult to the very fabric of nature itself! In other words... they suck.

=== [[w:Plumbers Don't Wear Ties|Plumbers Don't Wear Ties]] ===

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I remember in the early '90s seeing commercials for the 3DO. It was advertised as the most advanced game system and it forced itself right into your face, like: &quot;If you don't get this thing, you're gonna get left in the dust.&quot; It even went out of its way to insult Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis, saying that those are just baby toys. Well, everybody I knew had those &quot;baby toys&quot; and nobody--I repeat, NOBODY, I have ever met owned a 3DO. Probably because its price in the US was $700. I mean, FUCK. But you better buy it, because this is the real gaming console. That was its slogan, REAL, because it's a real pieceashit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Well, the game is called &quot;Plumbers Don't Wear Ties&quot;, so I guess it makes sense. He's a plumber, and I don't see him wearing a tie. ''(The moment he says tie, John is shown wearing a tie.)'' ''What the fuck?'' You can't even trust the fuckingdamn title!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Thresher:''' You know, perhaps something can be worked out after all. ... Take your clothes off, Jane.
:'''AVGN''': Oh shit.
:'''Thresher:''' You know, we get at least 200 qualified applicants for every position here. It's those people who do that little extra thing. They're the ones who get head-I mean get ahead.
:'''AVGN''': Oh, what a bad joke. It doesn't even have any relevance now. He just told her to take off her clothes. He might as well say straight out, &quot;Suck my cock.&quot;
:'''Thresher:''' TAKE YOUR DAMN CLOTHES OFF!
:'''AVGN''': What a pervert! And what's with all the filters? ''(wrong answer sound effect plays)''
:'''Narrator''': Now see how your sick curiosity led Jane into this mess?
:'''AVGN''': Time for another decision. Either she refuses to take off her clothes, or she accepts. Now, wait a minute. The first decision says, &quot;Our heroine declines the disgusting proposal!&quot; But in the image, she seems to be taking off her clothes. While running away, but still. It doesn't make any sense. Did they swap the images by accident? So let's go with the more interesting choice. ''(Jane is now shown undressed, holding a whip and handcuffs)'' ''Damn!'' She just happened to have a whip and handcuffs?! ''(imitating Thresher)'' Wow, I'd no idea she'd actually do it! ''(Jane now has Thresher, in his underwear, on his knees in an S&amp;M position. The Nerd is utterly shocked by this scene.)'' WHAT KIND OF FUCKED-UP GAME IS THIS!!? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Now for the final choice. Either, &quot;'''I want the Hollywood ending!'''&quot; or &quot;'''Gimme something different.'''&quot; Yeah, you know what? Give me something different. Give me a different fuckin' game! ''(tosses the game away)'' This is one of the worst things I have ever seen in my life. On the box, it says, &quot;Plays like a game...but feels like a MOVIE!!!&quot; Well that's horse shit. It does not play like a game, and it ''certainly'' does not feel like a movie. It's a slideshow that verges on being softcore porn. But it isn't that either! ''(video goes into different still photos of the Nerd with filters and crazy objects inserted.)'' It's like some kind of experimental art project. If I just made a bunch of shit and put all kinds of filters on it, that would be the same as this miserable pile of fuck. It would also be the same to go take a shit on a piece of toast on top of a roof while wearing a fish mask singing I’m Too Sexy.

=== [[w:The Bugs Bunny Crazy Castle|The Bugs Bunny Crazy Castle]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': All right. That's it. I'm done with this game. I'd rather press my face against a hippopotamus' butt while it muck-spreads! That's when a hippo takes a shit; rather than allowing the shit to drop from its anus, it presses its tail against its ass crack, waving it back and forth, shredding the shit all over the place! That's as much fun as this game is, like putting a turd in a fan or a band saw. You just don't do it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Come on, I thought toons like to get beat up!
:'''Bugs Bunny:''' We do, doc. But you know what we don't like? Getting shit on the '''FUCKIN' ''FACE!!'''''

=== [[w:Super Pitfall|Super Pitfall!]] ===
:'''AVGN''': ''[At the beginning of the game, Pitfall Harry climbs down the first ladder and dies]'' Nice. Fucking beautiful. The first ladder you see drops you into a pit where you get killed by a bird or a bat, whatever it is. And even if it wasn't there, I'd fall on the spikes. So it's basically death insurance. &quot;Let's put every kind of obstacle we can possibly think of in the very beginning of the game.&quot; You know, I'm disappointed. Couldn't there have been lava on top of the spikes, with fire sharks swimming in it? Couldn't there be more spikes coming from the sides ready to close in and squash me while stabbing at the same time? How 'bout some laser cannons and upside down volcanoes? You want to be even more efficient? Why even have the ladder? Why not just start the game falling down the pit? Fuckin' assholes! [sighs] Talk about a beginner's trap. They sure nailed it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': So we're jumping around in thin air, trying to find different suits, like spades, hearts and diamonds. What purpose does this have? I found the princess... does he need to play Poker with her or something?

=== [[w:Godzilla video games|Godzilla]] ===

:'''AVGN''': ''(failing to defeat [[wikipedia:Mechagodzilla|Mechagodzilla]]]'' THAT FUCKIN' TIME LIMIT! THAT MOTHERFUCKIN'-SHIT-SUCKIN' TIME LIMIT! It's not even like there's a counter! It's like the game just pulls the plug! Like: &quot;Oh, you're gonna win? Well not anymore, ya ass-backed fecal-fucker shit-faced anus brain!&quot; The game cheats. That's it. That's all there is to it. The game fuckin' cheats.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(reviewing ''[[w:Godzilla (Game Boy)|Godzilla]]'' on Game Boy)'' How could they do this to the king of the monsters!? They might as well have Godzilla in a clown suit jumping on a pogo stick. I'm not even gonna waste my time with this shit. The best way to sum this up is to recite a very famous quote from [[w:William Shakespeare|William Shakespeare]]: &quot;Fuck it!&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': 15 years later, I'm still pissed. All I wanted was a good Godzilla game, but my childhood passed me by, and I never got it. [He drinks beer] But nowadays, there's plenty of Godzilla games: ''[[w:Godzilla: Destroy All Monsters Melee|Godzilla Destroy All Monsters Melee]]'', ''[[w:Godzilla: Save the Earth|Godzilla: Save the Earth]]'', and ''[[w:Godzilla: Unleashed|Godzilla: Unleashed]]''. This is after my time. I don't know anything about this here PlayStation 2 and Xbox shit. But I'm gonna give it a try.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(Comparing modern-day ''Godzilla'' games to the above titles)'' These games suck Baragon's sweaty ballsack! I'd rather get an electric shock from suckin' Mecha-Godzilla's mechanical wiener! These games are ''shit, drizzling'' out of the Smog Monster's rancid putrid a-hole! And then, being swallowed and barfed up by Anguirus while I lay on his spikes getting Gigan's buzzsaw up my ass, ''while Destoroyah dumps his diabolical diarrhea all over my face!'' Man, it's just a bunch of fuck, it's a pile of cunt, fuck, shit, fuck...cunt...fuck..Goddammit! I just said &quot;fuck&quot; from the bottom of my heart and I said every curse that there is. There's nothing left. So, you know what? Somebody's gotta invent a new curse word. I think I got it. This game, these fuckin' games are... ''SCUNT!!!'' Oh, yeah. It's that bad.

=== [[w:Wayne's World (video game)|Wayne's World]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' The enemies are the most cliché you could possibly think of. When would Wayne and Garth ever be fighting spiders and ninjas? Who cares, right? As long as the game says ''Wayne's World,'' kids will want it.
:'''Noah Vanderhoff:''' Kids know dick.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Every time he gets hit, he says &quot;NOT!&quot;
:'''Wayne:''' '''''NOT!'''''
:'''The Nerd:''' That doesn't make any sense. What is he saying &quot;not&quot; to? Usually, the word &quot;not&quot; follows a sarcastic statement. It's like explaining it to [[w:Borat|Borat]].
:'''Borat:''' And this suit is ''not'' black!
:'''Borat's Therapist:''' No, no, &quot;not&quot; has to be the end.
:'''Borat:''' OK, OK, this suit is black not.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Well, I can't beat the first level, so I'm done with this game!... Well, there ''is'' a code.
:'''Benjamin:''' I did not realize that. Russell, did you realize that?
:'''Russell Finley:''' No, I did not realize that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' And could you guess the boss in this level? Would you expect anything different than... a giant donut?
:'''Wayne:''' Aaaahahahahaha! Yeah! Hahaha!

=== [[w:Castlevania (video game)|Castlevania Part One]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': What in the unholy name of ass is this fuckness? ''[looks at the script and fuckness is displayed as an invalid word]'' Oh, wait, that's not a word? Well, it should be. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Hmm. &quot;'''Trans Fishers'''&quot;? That reminds me of [[w:Terence Fisher|Terence Fisher]], the director of many of the hammer horror films. That's a funny coincidence. Oh, wait. &quot;'''Vran Stoker'''&quot;? Like [[w:Bram Stoker|Bram Stoker]], the author of ''[[w:Dracula|Dracula]]''? Wha-- &quot;'''Christopher Bee'''&quot;? Is it a joke? I don't get it! Are they saying [[w:Christopher Lee|Christopher Lee]] is like a bee? ''[Bee with a face like Christopher Lee's comes buzzing by]'' No, they can't mean that. This is probably just a series of strangely coincidental typos. &quot;'''[[w:Béla Lugosi|Belo Lugosi]]'''&quot;? &quot;'''[[w:Boris Karloff|Boris Karloffice]]'''&quot;? They're just fuckin' around. &quot;'''[[w:Lon_Chaney, Jr.|Love Chaney Jr.]]'''&quot;? &quot;'''[[w:Max Schreck|Mix Schrecks]]'''&quot;? &quot;'''[[w:Glenn Strange|Green Stranger]]'''&quot;? Is this supposed to be funny? Like, just to take a celebrity's name and change it around? That's like if I took the name [[w:Steven Spielberg|Steven Spielberg]] and called him &quot;'''Steven Gielberg'''&quot;. Like, that's not funny, that's kindergarten level! No, kindergarten students don't find that funny! Aliens don't find that funny! Well, anyway, that's ''Castlevania'' for you. Good game, but holy fuck, is it hard. Now, as promised, we're gonna plow through the rest of 'em, all the old-school Castlevania games. The ones that I grew up w--
:''[the '''&quot;WHAT A HORRIBLE NIGHT TO HAVE A CURSE.&quot;''' box from ''Castlevania II: Simon's Quest'' appears in front of the Nerd, interrupting him. The box disappears a few seconds later, and a day-to-night transition in the style of the said game is shown. Then the &quot;Monster Dance Theme&quot; plays and the Nerd's room looks darker than before. The Nerd notices the cartridge of said game]''
:'''The Nerd''': Not that one. Next on our list, is ''Castlevania III,'' which in many ways is the true follow-up--
:''[&quot;Monster Dance Theme&quot; plays and cartridge is shown again]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''No.'' I already reviewed that game. So, anyway--
:''[&quot;Monster Dance Theme&quot; music plays and cartridge is shown again]''
:'''The Nerd''': No.
:''[&quot;Monster Dance Theme&quot; plays and cartridge is shown again]''
:'''The Nerd''': Stop.
:''[&quot;Monster Dance Theme&quot; plays and cartridge is shown again]''
:'''The Nerd''': Stop!
:''[&quot;Monster Dance Theme&quot; plays and cartridge is shown again]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[annoyed]'' '''''STOP!'''''
:''[&quot;Monster Dance Theme&quot; plays and cartridge is shown yet again, and the Nerd looks at ''Castlevania III,'' and then back at ''Castlevania II,'' and &quot;To Be Continued...&quot; appears.]''

=== [[w:CastleVania|CastleVania Part Two]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': It goes back to the basic style of the first game, but has two main innovations. The first thing, you often come to a fork in the road where you get to choose which path to take. The other thing is that you get to play as other characters, whom you meet along the way. There's Grant, who climbs on walls, Sypha, who has magic spells, and Alucard, who can turn into a bat, but you need enough hearts to do it. Alucard happens to be Dracula's son. The name Alucard's Dracula spelled backwards, and it came from the 1943 movie, ''Son of Dracula.''
:'''Dracula''': Announce Count Alucard.
:'''Harry Brewster''': D-R-A-C--
:'''Frank Stanley''': What are you mumbling about?
:'''Harry Brewster''': Nothing, nothing. Just a silly idea hit me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' If there's any game which puts you in a bad mood, it's ''CastleVania III.'' You know, like if you want a game that'll '''''piss you off,''''' putting this game in your Nintendo is like running open-armed out into a rainstorm of piss. You wanna go balls to the wall? Well, there's one way to put your balls to the wall, and that's to stick your dick into an electric outlet. You wanna play shit tennis with an orangutan while having your head up a '''''hyena's asshole?!''''' Well, good luck. Well, that finishes off the '''CastleVania''' trilogy, but there's more memories to be shared. 'Cause Dracula never dies, Halloween is goin' overtime, it's a ''CastleVania''-thon! ''[howls like a wolf]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[blooper]''
:'''James D. Rolfe''': This game is like playing shit tennis, with an orangutan, while havin' a hyena's head up your ass! ''[cracks a smile]'' Or ''your'' head up ''it's'' ass! And-- ''[breaks character and laughs]''

=== [[w:Castlevania|Castlevania Part Three]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' When the 1980s came to an end, the ''Castlevania'' trilogy was already edged into my mind as classic. It was the arcitype of both the action and horror genres and a masterpiece in side-scrolling gaming. Roughly at the turn of the decade came the 16-bit era. I had no idea that it could actually get better. In 1991, ''Castlevania'' made its transition to the new Super Nintendo. But this wasn't just ''Castlevania IV.'' Oh, no. This was '''''Super''' Castlevania IV'', and well worthy of that title. The graphics and sound just blew my fucking balls off. The haunting and chilling atmosphere of the old games was now like a walk through the park with the Care Bears. This time, I was ''really'' getting scared.

=== [[w:Castlevania|Castlevania Part Four]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' That's what you call ''Castlevania.'' Traditional side-scrolling action. Familiar, yet fresh. It takes place all over Europe rather than just strictly in Transylvania. You get a choice of two characters; John Morris and Eric Lecarde. I wonder what happened to the Belmonts? Who are these people? Well, supposedly, John Morris is the son of Quincy Morris from ''Dracula'', the Bram Stoker novel. (cut to him IRL) That just blew my mind! It's like now we're bringing the novel into it? So the whole canon of the games is now with the canon of the book, and... it's like taking two cannons and putting them together!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' What are these, skeletons shooting lasers out their cocks?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;ANALBAG&quot;, that's me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''' In ''Dawn of Sorrow,'' Dracula's castle emerges from a solar eclipse in Japan. I thought that Japan had enough trouble with Godzilla stomping around. Now they have Dracula, too?

=== [[w:Little Red Hood|Little Red Hood]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' You're familiar with the story, right? It goes somethin' like this. Once upon a time, there was a girl named Little Red Riding Hood. She liked to jump in the air and whistle out her vagina. She kicked at trees until Big Bird's ballsack would appear. What, that's not the story? Oh, well excuse me, 'cause this isn't ''Little Red Riding Hood''. This is ''Little '''RED''' Hood''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' The only thing you might be wondering now, is what on Earth does this have to do with the story of ''Little Red Riding Hood''? Well... I'll tell ya. '''''Absolutely fuckin' nothing.'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' The music never changes. Every level is the same frothy sound of crackling ass!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' It's just, so random... Y'know, how many times have I used the word &quot;random&quot; and &quot;appear&quot;? But that's exactly what's happening. Stuff appears, or doesn't appear, or randomly does something else. I feel like a guinea pig in an experiment where they're testing the effects of negative reinforcement. Let's see what happens if we take the key away... It's 20 years late, but whoever you are, and if you wanna know what the effect is, [[Ghostbusters|I'll tell ya the effect: IT'S FUCKIN' PISSING ME OFF!]]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' But the most fucked-up level of all, is Level 8. Here, the key never appears. Just, never. It never appears. I played this stage for about an hour, before I eventually looked up an online walkthrough from someone who probably had more time to spare than me, and guess what? In this stage, the key doesn't appear, until you buy an invincibility potion and three slingshots! '''''HOW WOULD ANYBODY KNOW TO DO THAT?!''''' You go through the whole game, all of a sudden they throw you a curve ball and change the fuckin' rules!

=== [[w:Winter Games|Winter Games]] ===
:''[&quot;Dance of the Sugarplum Fairies&quot; plays in the background]''
:'''The Nerd''': It's winter. It's fucking cold. We're playing some ''Winter Games''. But anyway, let me get the greeting outta the way. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, happy... everybody! Happy holidays. And if you have a problem with &quot;Happy Holidays&quot;, then happy shut-the-fuck-up. But there ain't nothing happy about this shit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[horrible 8-bit background music]'' How do you like that music? Listen. ''[commenting on the music at the end of the Speed Skating event]'' Exquisite. ''[sarcastically]'' Isn't that the most beautiful, radiant sound that has ever been blessed upon your soul? Its exuberant tonality harmoniously blends the dying squeals of electronic goats with the melodic rapture of diarrhea bubbling from a coyote's crap-hole.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing the Figure Skating event]'' I'm not even kidding, but if I were to give out an award, a big shit-dripping trophy for the worst controls ''ever'' in a video game, I think it would go to this! I mean look at it! I've never seen anything this unresponsive! I'm hitting every button combination possible! You know, all it needs to be said about ''Winter Games'' is that you push buttons. That's all it is. How's ''Winter Games?'' You ever play ''Winter Games?'' Yeah, you push buttons. That's it. Go like this! You're playing ''Winter Games!'' ''[footage of [[The Wizard]] is shown]'' You ever watch a movie where someone's pretending to play a video game, but you tell they're just acting; they're just going like this? They're playing ''Winter Games.'' Yeah. Who programmed this thing? Maybe it was Fred Fucks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': '''''THIS IS A BLIZZARD OF BALLS!!! I can't believe humanity was capable of degrading itself so low as to produce such insulting catastrophe of ass!!''''' ''[reads caution label on the back of the cartridge (said caution label is only on some unlicensed NES games)]'' &quot;Do not store in extreme temperatures. Do not immerse in water. Do not clean with benzene, thinner, alcohol, or other such solvents. Do not hit or drop cartridge. Do not attempt to disassemble.&quot; ''[proceeds to do to the cartridge each of the things the caution label advises against]'' Like that? ''[places the remains of the cartridge into the crackling fireplace, where it catches fire and starts to melt]'' '''''BURN, MOTHERFUCKER, BURRRN!!! YEAAAAH!'''''

=== [[w:Street Fighter 2010|Street Fighter 2010]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Wanna play some games? Wanna play some shitty games? ...Well hang on just a second, I gotta go get my mail. ''(The Nerd steps out of his house to find it and the rest of the scenery in the scene is swarming with graphics from ''Street Fighter 2010''.)'' What the hell is all this shit!? There's metallic sea sponges everywhere! There's titanium rocket jockstraps! Headless parrots with bottle caps! Floating eyeballs entrapped in glass lids! How is this all happening? OH, ah-of course! It's the year 2010! Holy shit! This was all foreseen in the game ''Street Fighter 2010''!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Remember how futuristic the year 2000 seemed? My whole childhood, it seemed like every movie, every video game - it was always &quot;2000&quot;. It sounded so high-tech and so far away. But now, fuck that! It's the ten-year anniversary of the year 2000. ''(referring to ''[[w:Back to the Future Part II|Back to the Future Part II]]'s'' depiction of the year 2015)'' In five years, we're gonna have flying cars and hoverboards and self-lacing shoes... It better happen. Otherwise they should have made it the year 3000. Even if they made it 2100, we'd all be dead; it wouldn't make a difference anyway! Better to be a mystery than to be wrong!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Who would've thought that Street Fighter's past lied in the future, which is now the present? Let's take a look at this. I can only imagine, we're gonna be Tiger Uppercutting through space and time, we're gonna be throwing Sonic Booms on the moon, Hadoukens up Uranus! Fuck ''[[w:Street Fighter IV|Street Fighter IV]]'', this is ''Street Fighter 2010!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': What the hell is this poop-plastered, shit-smothered piece of fuck? And what does it have to do with ''Street Fighter''?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(commenting on the cover illustration of ''[[w:Fighting Street|Fighting Street]]'', showing [[w:Ryu_(Street_Fighter)|Ryu]] in front of [[w:Mt. Rushmore|Mt. Rushmore]])'' To be even more elusive, they changed the fucking title to ''Fighting Street''! That doesn't make any sense! But at least you get to play as classic characters such as Ryu, [[w:George Washington|George Washington]], and [[w:Abraham Lincoln|Abe Lincoln]].

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:'''AVGN''': The final boss looks like a big, blistering ball sack that swallowed Grimace. His only weak spot is the face. The ideal strategy is to climb on the wall and keep shooting, but your beam doesn't reach. Not without full powerups. You can try jumping off and shooting, but that takes too long. You don't have time. When you're plowing through the stage, you gotta stop and get all the powerups. But that wastes time too! But you gotta do it! You gotta somehow make it all happen! You can't beat one boss flawlessly but then fuck up a little on the next one. You gotta: 1) Beat all the bosses without getting hurt too much, 2) Get all the power-ups, and 3) Do it fast as shit. All in one perfect run. But once you do it, man, you're on the fucking top of the world. Yeah, boom, BOOM! [Imitates explosions as he beats the game] And that, my friends, is Street Fighter 2010. That's all I have to say. So happy new year, happy new decade... am I forgetting anything? ... Yeah. Forgot my fucking mail. [He walks then the screen zooms that says &quot;THE END.&quot;]

=== [[w:Hydlide|Hydlide]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Ugh, ''Hydlide''! Just saying the name gives you a gag reflex like you're about to puke! ''HYDLIDE''! Sounds so wretched and foul!

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:'''AVGN''': Picking up a game like this, in itself, is like embarking on an adventure. You can stick to the familiar NES classics, or you can be a brave explorer and search the unknown. You might uncover a gem, or a turd covered in vomit. And this is a turd covered in vomit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': There's no skill involved. You'll never know whether or not you're hitting the monster or the monster's hitting you. It's just as random as rolling the dice or [[w:American Movie|playing the lottery; sometimes you win, and sometimes you lose. But I guess it's better than using drugs or alcohol because with drugs and alcohol, especially drugs, you always lose.]]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Anyway, I got the Lantern. Now I'm going back to that dark cave to figure out what the fuck was killing me...I don't see anything! So that only concludes there was nothing. That's a cheat if I ever saw one. The game kills you with NOTHING!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': That's what you get for reaching into the dark depths of the NES library. You might as well be reaching into a dog's asshole, 'cause all you're going to find is shit.

=== [[w:Ninja Gaiden (Nintendo Entertainment System)|Ninja Gaiden]] ===
:'''Ninja:''' You are as slow as sloth taking shit! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Nunchaku-fuck!

=== [[w:Swordquest|Swordquest]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(commenting on Atari's promotion of the &quot;SwordQuest&quot; series via $150,000 worth of ornately crafted and decorated fantasy items, which players back in the day could win by playing the games, finding and deciphering in-game clues, and sending them to Atari)'' Not since the medieval times have I heard of a treasure quest of this magnitude! It gets you really excited to play the games, so that's what I call a promotion: You'd be wearing your ''SwordQuest'' T-shirt, with your comic books and posters, drinking out of your gold chalice with your crown, philosopher's stone, and sword, and not to mention your ''SwordQuest'' video gaming cartridges exclusive from Atari.

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:'''The Nerd:''' ''(playing the &quot;Earthworld&quot; installment)'' Every time you go to the next room, it sounds like an explosion. That's what's so great about Atari: Something as simple as going through a door is an event.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Now, what can that mean? Hmm... 16-4... The comic book. ''(Picks up the book and opens up the page)'' Page 16, Panel 4. I don't see anything... What-- ''[Reveals a hidden word]'' Wow. ''(He writes down the word and continues playing and finding more clues)'' There's 10 hidden words, and they're supposed to make a sentence. But five of them are bogus. The only way to figure out which are the right words is to find a subliminal hint on the first page. The words prime and number are a different color than the rest, so this means you only use the clues that are prime numbers. Lemme tell you, in 1982, people had a lot of time on their hands and a lot of creativity to figure this out. Out of 5,000 entries, only 8 gamers got the right sentence. The winner was 20-year old Steven Bell. Good work, man!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(playing the &quot;Fireworld&quot; installment)'' What are we doing here, hitting birds with a pole? Throwing knives? Now you're actually steering the knives into a, uh, turkey club sandwich. This part, you're like a black eagle shooting bullets at snakes! All with glorious Atari sound effects.

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:'''The Nerd:''' ''(referring to general suspicions that the remaining three un-awarded treasures of the &quot;SwordQuest&quot; contest, including the planned grand prize, a gold-and-jewel-encrusted sword, is in possession of [[w:Jack Tramiel|Jack Tramiel]], who had bought Atari after [[w:North American video game crash of 1983|the infamous video game crash of 1983]])'' Somebody's gotta find out. The '''real''' ''SwordQuest'' is the quest for that sword and the other treasures. They belong in the hands of gamers who earn them. You know, everybody who put those games in their Ataris had a chance of winning. It was something to dream about. But that dream's been thrown about the toilet. It's 30 years later, but I say the contest must go on. Finish the last game! You can't have earth, fire, and water without air! The balance of the cosmos must be restored, the true bearer of that sword ''must'' be found! The Kingdom of Nerddom depends on it!

=== [[w:Pong|Pong Consoles]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Pong. A simple word. A simple idea. It's just Pong. It was one of the first video arcades, from 1972. A simple screen mounted inside what looked like a carved tree stump. You could call this the &quot;Wooden Age&quot; of video games, when everything was made of wood, and two people playing tennis looked like two glow sticks batting a square ball back and forth. Yeah, this is before circles were invented.

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:'''AVGN''': I thought it was fun. Apparently, people thought so too back then. So that's why they made a home pong console so you can play it at home, and then, there was another one... and another one... and another one! AND ANOTHER ONE! AND ANOTHER ONE! ''AND ANOTHER ONE!'' There was like nine million fucking pong consoles!

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:'''AVGN''': This might be a good time to bring up that most of these old consoles have a connector that looks like [[wikipedia:RCA_connector|this]]. You have to plug them into a box, and screw the box into your TV. But I say get yourself one of these [an adapter], plug it into the coaxial unit on your TV, plug the game in, and tell that box to go fuck itself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The Sears Super Pong Telegame. Simple enough, two little knobs for controllers, works alright, basic Pong, you got four different kinds of Pong, like... what the hell is this? &quot;Reverse Pong&quot;? Okay, now what's this, &quot;Asshole Pong&quot;? That's not fair.

&lt;hr width+&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''':  Well, that's Pong for ya. All these different consoles goes to show how such a simple game could become such a hot-selling franchise. I could see people thinking 30 years ago &quot;Wow. Pong. This is where it's at! It ain't gonna get any better than this!&quot; Now what's this here, this &quot;Xbox 360?&quot; Some modern game system? I don't know, maybe it has advanced graphics? Might even be in color. Let's check it out. ''[starts playing &quot;[[w:Grand Theft Auto IV|Grand Theft Auto IV]]&quot; as a rock remix of the Angry Video Game Nerd theme plays. Cut to the Nerd with an absolutely amazed expression on his face]''

== Season Five ==

=== [[w:Action 52|Action 52]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': Are you ready for some action? Some ''Action 52?'' I suppose so, because I get requests for this game all the time. Like this one right here: ''[reading a fan email]'' &quot;''Action 52.'' Fuck this game, please do a review on it. You asshole. Thanks.&quot; Wow. I guess I gotta do it now.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Number 5, &quot;Ooze.&quot; Oh, wow, a title screen? Really? ''[starts the game, then sees several green pickle-shaped objects in the background]'' Oh my god, it's...it's... ''[the objects each turn into a Shit Pickle]''
:'''Shit Pickles''': Shitpickleshitpickleshitpickleshit...
:'''The Nerd''': Whoa! Ohh-
:'''Shit Pickles''': Pickle! Shi-i-i-i-i-
:'''The Nerd''': Narlalalala!
:'''Shit Pickles''': Shit pickle!
:'''The Nerd''': Alrighty, then. Well, this is the first game that uses the &quot;B&quot; button. For ''jumping''! Any gamer who grew up with ''Super Mario Bros.'' expects &quot;A&quot; to jump.

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:'''The Nerd''': ''(playing the 7th game, Crytical Bypass)'' &quot;Crytical Bypass&quot;. It's critical that you bypass this game!

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:'''The Nerd''': ''(playing the 20th game, Space Dreams, then learning that safety pins are the enemy)'' Oh, my, what's this gonna be? Why of course! Another space shooter! This time, you're a pacifier shooting at weird dolls, rabbits, and safety pins. ''Safety pins'' as enemies in a video game...Where'd they come up with this stuff?! ''[playing one of the game programmers]'' Gee, what kind of enemy could I have for this game? I have 32 games left I have to program, so I have to hurry up. ''[he picks up a safety pin where it lays on a table]'' Ahhh, safety pin! That'll be perfect! ''[he puts the safety pin down and types in his computer]'' Next game.

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing the 22nd game, Spread Fire]'' These kind of games must have been the easiest to design. Take a black background, cover it in dots, and call it space. You know what? It's getting old.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[after playing 25 of the games]'' ...Wow. Twenty-five shitty games, and still going. This is an endurance, man. I've never played such a huge compilation of crap in my life. Was the whole idea to make ''so many shitty games'' that there'd be no more shitty games left to make!? Out of all of these, there's gotta be at least one that's...''tolerable''!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing the 29th game]'' Uh, &quot;Slashers&quot;? I thought it'd be like a horror game. Instead it's a poor man's version of ''Double Dragon''. Saying ''that'' is being extremely generous.
:'''The Nerd''': And what are these, hookers?! I guess this guy doesn't understand the concept of a hooker. You're supposed to fuck her, not fuck her up!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing the 31st game, Fuzz Power]'' Whoever came up with this is an ''asshole!'' ''[cuts to a fictionalized version of the episode that would be shown on public TV with profanity bleeped out]'' Whoever came up with this is an ''assh***!'' Ass! ''[pause]'' Hole? Assh***! ''[sarcastically]'' Television makes a lot of &quot;sense&quot;.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[after playing 35 of the 52 games]'' I've lost all hope. 52 games, they all probably suck. I can think of some pretty bad games. Like ''Little Red Hood.'' That's a ''horrible'' game. But at least it's ''one'' horrible game! Not ''52!'' You know what's more fun than ''Action 52?'' 52 Card Pickup. You know how you play that? ''[drops a deck of 52 playing cards on the floor]'' Pick up the cards!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Number 36, &quot;Storm over the Desert.&quot; Ooh, another title screen! So, you're an army tank, shooting at other army tanks... which happen to be pink. Also, there's no way to die. Anything you touch will explode. Those pink tanks are fuckin' pussies. ''[a giant [[w:Saddam Hussein|Saddam Hussein]] runs across the screen]'' What the hell?! A giant Saddam Hussein? How'd they fuck up the scale this bad? The soldiers aren't giant, so why's Saddam?

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing the 48th game, Time Warp Tickers]'' You're a pair of fingers in checkerboard-land with upside-down doors. What kind of drugs were they on? Was this game even made by a human being? ''&quot;Time?&quot;''? When you kill things, it says ''&quot;Time?&quot;''? What does that mean? Time to play another fuckin' game?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[after playing 51 of the 52 games]'' '''''I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY SOLD THIS SHITFEST FOR $199!''''' That's about how much it costs for a video game ''console'', pretty much. You can take $199, stand on a bridge and just throw it all away! You'd rather do ''anything'' than spend it on a broken-down dysfunctional disaster of video game programming! With games that crash, hideous jumping control, random characters, microscopic sprites, a marathon of mediocre space shooters, dying in midair, problems with proportion, misleading titles, misleading power-ups, embarrassing weapons, seizure-inducing backgrounds, lack of enemies, games you can't win, games you can't lose, games that make no sense whatsoever, shitty graphics, shitty music, shitty menus, and a fuck-ton of other things! It should've been ''illegal'' for them to sell this rotten shitload of putrid fuck for any price! I feel humiliated to live on the same planet as someone who designed an electronic abomination of this magnitude! Couldn't they have tried making one ''good'' game, as opposed to 52 ''horrible'' games? Quality over quantity. That's our lesson here. ''[drinks Rolling Rock]'' Well, there's only one game left so it has one last chance to redeem itself. Could this all be the effort went into? Could there be a cherry on top of the shit sundae? We can only hope. ''[begins playing the 52nd game as the credits roll]''

=== [[w:Action 52|Cheetahmen]] ===

:'''AVGN''': They must have put all their focus into this one game, so this one's gotta be good...right? ''(shot of the gameplay from ''Cheetahmen''; the player sprite touches the edge of a pool of water with the top of his head, and instantly dies)'' IT SUCKS - MONKEY - BUTTS - LIKE ALL - THE FUCKIN' - REST!!! ''(drinks Rolling Rock)'' Okay. Let's go.

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:'''AVGN''': ''(playing ''Cheetahmen'' on the Action 52 cartridge, jumping over the giant [[w:Saddam Hussein|Saddam Hussein]] from Storm Over the Desert)'' Dude, think about it: A giant cheetah jumping over Saddam Hussein, whoa! I never thought I'd see that.

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:'''AVGN''': ''(discussing Cheetahmen II)'' I suppose this is the end of Action 52, but!  They made... a Cheetahmen... sequel.  Oh, yeah!  You know how with a bad game, sometimes you wonder how it even made it into stores?  Well, this is a case in which the horror was so unspeakable, the game was never released.  ''(shows stills from the ending of Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark and plays ominous music from the film)''  The cartridges were stored in a warehouse where they remained for years to come.  It was never meant to be played.  Then, in the late 90's, the cartridges were discovered, and became valuable collector's items. ''(stops playing music and showing stills)''  That's a true story.  Except that the real story was probably a little less dramatic than that.  Only 1500 of these games are known to exist and they command ''outrageous'' prices on eBay. I don't know if I should consider myself lucky or...not, but...here it is. (the Nerd reveals the game cartridge in his hand) The unholy grail of gaming. Would you believe that this game is so bad it doesn't even get its own cartridge? They recycled the same plastic casing from Action 52, and put a Cheetahmen II sticker on the back. ''(The cartridge's sticker actually reads &quot;Cheetamen&quot; instead of &quot;Cheetahmen II&quot;.)'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(after defeating the boss in ''Cheetahmen II'', but the game fails to start the next level)'' Well, I beat the game. At least I got as far as I can possibly go before it fucks out! Well, this is where I'd end things... ''(drinks Rolling Rock)'' ...but, there's yet another ''Cheetahmen'' game. ''(produces a copy of the Sega Genesis port of ''Action 52'')'' Yeah. ''Action 52'' on the Genesis. They just couldn't leave it alone, could they?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(talking about SKATER from the Genesis ''Action 52'')'' You're some kid on roller skates jumping fifty feet in the air, of course. And most of the obstacles are dead cats! At least, I'm pretty sure they're dead. Why else would a cat be laying in the road? Tell me. If you're programming a video game and you have a choice of all the things that could be on the road like mufflers, puddles of oil, traffic cones, hubcaps, fallen trash cans, open manholes, of all the things you can put there, why does your imagination go straight to ''dead cats!?''

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:'''AVGN''': ''(after playing ''Cheetahmen'' from the Genesis ''Action 52'')'' I don't believe it. I just can't believe it that - this is even ''less'' playable than the NES version! You think by now, they'd come back down to Earth and un-''fuck'' themselves! But you know what the really good news is? I'm done with ''Action 52''! ''(puts on a party hat and blows on a party horn while fireworks go off)''

=== Game Glitches ===

:'''AVGN''': Don't you just hate it when that happens? You'll be playin' a game, and then all of a sudden, it starts glitching up! ''(inserts Metal Gear into his Nintoaster)'' Oh, come on. Metal Gear's fuckin' up now? You blow the game, jiggle it around, use different consoles, but it still doesn't work. You know, when this happens, that means that there's something inside your game. Something that wants to reduce the graphics into a pixelated mishmash of garbage. You're dealing with...a Game Graphic Glitch Gremlin.
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' [Cackling] Good day to you, Nerd, how are you? Good day, sir! As you know, I am the Glitch Gremlin! And, I've got glitches in me britches for ya, Nerd! I've got ''(gibberish)''.
:'''AVGN''': I'm gonna lay the fuck smack on you! You think I can't still play?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[ [[w:Mike Tyson|Mike Tyson]]'s portrait from ''[[w:Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!|Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!]]'' is displayed, but the entire graphical display glitches up, eliciting a shocked reaction from the Nerd]''
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' And here we have ''Punch-Out!!'' with &quot;Iron Mike&quot; Tyson. I just ironed out his face! How do you like that? We'll call him Shit-Fuck-Face Mike Tyson!
:'''AVGN''': You little fuck-nugget, get out of my game!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''[After describing his victory over the boss Big Pets in [[w:Mega Man 5|Mega Man 5]] while having been hindered by a glitch]'' And ''that'' was a great moment in Nerd history.
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' That's not possible! I've never seen anything like it!
:'''AVGN''': I should get a gold medal.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''(The Nerd plays [[w:Rocky (2002 video game)|the 2002 ''Rocky'' game on PlayStation 2]], but the audience is severely glitching around, and the two boxers supposed to be in the ring are nowhere to be seen.)''
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' Well, you sure packed quite a crowd tonight, Nerd! You sure did, standing room only...a full house of glitches! Ding ding ding! In this corner, we have weighing in at zero pounds and zero ounces, nothing! In this corner, we've got much of the same! Nothing!
:'''AVGN''': No...
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' ''(As the in-game announcer repeats &quot;Next up is a fight...&quot;)''Do you hear that? What's that sound? Huh? Hm? Sounds of glitch. Your glitch. Enjoy it. ''(The Nerd resets his PS2, and'' ''the in-game combatants show up this time.)'' Nope. No use resetting. Not gonna do a thing.
:'''AVGN:''' Eh, fuck you. It's working now. ''(Spider Rico suddenly sinks into the floor.)'' What was ''that''!?
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' I pulled him through the floor! That's a good one! Good one, Glitch Gremlin! ''(The Nerd looks on in shock as the fighters continuously sink to the floor. The Glitch Gremlin dances.)'' Oh yeah! I'm glitching! Get down, you bad self! Get down! Get down! Get down! Wooo!
:'''AVGN''': Wow, I've ''never'' seen a game this fucked up. ''(He takes out the ''Rocky'' disc to clean it.)''
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' ''(his reflection appears in the disc)'' Not gonna work, not gonna work. What time is it? Not-gonna-work o'clock. ''(The Nerd plays the game again, but now the in-game boxers have warped facial features.)'' In this corner, we have Bug-Eyed Balboa!
:'''AVGN''': What happened to his ''mouth''!?
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' His eyes are popping out! And in that corner, we've got Spider Rico, with no jaw! ''(He sinks into the floor, again.)''
:'''AVGN''': They're like zombies! What is this, &quot;Rocky: The Undead Edition&quot;? You are really one sick fuck, you know that? I'm gonna try Clubber Lang.
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' Oh, Clubber Lang, that could be a good one. Let's see what else I've got up my sleeves - oh, I'm not wearing any, but for my final show-stopper, FEAST YER EYES ON THIS! ''(The in-game model of Clubber Lang appears horrifically deformed and mis-assembled, heavily resembling a straight log of solid fecal matter. His left leg flashes between being visible and invisible, while his right leg does not appear at all. A baffled Nerd drops his controller while the Gremlin laughs gleefully.)''
:'''AVGN''': It's a Clubber-fuck!

=== [[w:Zelda II: The Adventure of Link|Zelda II]] ===
:'''AVGN''': ''(commenting on the odd names for enemies in the original [[w:The Legend of Zelda|''The Legend of Zelda'']])'' What do you call that? A rabbit's head? ''(buzzer sound)'' Wrong. A &quot;Pols Voice&quot;. What's that, a mummy? ''(buzzer sound)'' &quot;Gibdo&quot;. What's that, a ghost? ''(buzzer sound)'' &quot;Ghini&quot;. What's that? Well, it's kinda like...like... ''(triple-ding sound)'' What?! It's called a &quot;Like Like&quot;?! Yeah, I'm not makin' this up, this is all comin' straight from the manual. What do you call that? A snake? ''(buzzer sound)'' Wrong, it's called &quot;Rope&quot;. Yeah, really! If you can't tell the difference between a snake and a rope, you're in trouble. What's that, a bat? ''(buzzer sound)'' No, it's &quot;Keese&quot;. What do you call the keys then, &quot;Bats&quot;? What's that, a knight? ''(buzzer sound)'' A &quot;Darknut&quot;. Well then, what's that? Uh, a, uh, Geiger counselman? ''(buzzer sound)'' Oh, a &quot;Rock&quot;. What's that, a spider? ''(buzzer sound)'' A &quot;Tektite&quot;. Now what the ''fuck'' is a Tektite!? Is that even a real word? I'll look it up...yeah, it is. ''(reads off a dictionary)'' &quot;Tektite. Any of several kinds of small glassy bodies, in various forms, occurring in Australia and elsewhere, now believed to have been produced by the impact of meteorites on the earth's surface.&quot; Yeah. Or, a ''spider''. Well, fuck. Let's move onto ''Zelda II''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': In each town, there's a woman that restores your health. She invites Link inside, and you never see what's happening in there. Is she giving him a potion? Is she performing a magic spell? No. We all know what's ''really'' happening. Link is like, you know, getting a little of the [[w:A Clockwork Orange (film)|ol' in-out in-out]]. I mean, this isn't little boy Link anymore, he's grown up now. He learns all these special moves like the down-thrust and the up-thrust, and there, he learns the cunt-thrust. Yeah, that should be the name of a band. But really, Link deserves to get some because of all this hell he goes through. He's not gonna get any from Zelda... Well, then again, she's in a sleeping spell. What was Link doing there in the first place? Oh, no, Link's a poon hound.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(repeatedly failing to defeat the final boss, Dark Link)'' Well, it's impossible. I have better luck trying to fight my own shadow! ''(imitates trying to punch his own shadow on the wall and hurting his hand against the wall)'' You motherfucker! C'mon! God damn! ''(cuts back to the Nerd on his couch)'' You can't beat your own shadow, and that's what this game is. It's your dark alter ego that knows more about you than you know about yourself. I don't know how you could win, unless you're ''really'' hardcore. Some gamers are so hardcore with the first game, they've actually made it to Ganon ''without the sword.'' That's insane! But, people like a good challenge. You want a good challenge? Try beating ''Zelda II'' with the Power Glove, yeah. That's a laugh. In conclusion, it's still a great game. But many consider it the black sheep of the Zelda franchise. And understandably, it's very different from the first game but obviously Nintendo didn't want to just rehash the same game over again so they tried something new. Some people were confused and admittedly it had some mixed results. But it had a legacy of its own. It was the first Zelda game that had towns to visit and to have a magic meter and many games copied its style such as Battle of the Olympus and even Rambo. Bottom line, it's a good game, but a very frustrating one. I'll never beat it as long as I live. Nope. ''(turns off TV, walks away, but then runs back to the TV to turn it back on. The ending message appears on the TV saying &quot;You saved Hyrule and you are a real hero!&quot; Then, he looks at the Power Glove in shock and disbelief. Then the curtain lowers and then Zelda and Link supposedly kiss with the curtain covering it up and the words &quot;The End&quot; appear.)''

=== Back To The Future Trilogy ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' I've always wanted to go back and complete them the way I originally intended. The ''McKids'' video, for example. I felt like there should have been a dancing scene with Ronald McDonald, Grimace, and the Hamburglar. And Dracula. And Skeletor. I'd also like to go back to the original negatives, clean them up, make them look good as shit, and give them some new enhancements.
:''[in the &quot;Top Gun&quot; review, the Nerd fires a Sonic Boom at the TV, destroying it. After that, the same thing happens, but Praxis effect rings come from the explosion.]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' In the ''Friday the 13th'' video, I shot Jason Voorhees in the head.
:'''The Nerd from his ''&quot;Friday the 13th&quot;'' Review:''' You're easier to beat in real life than you are in that '''''fuckin' game, you no-good piece of--!''''' ''['''BANG!!!''' The Nerd shoots Jason in the head in the original review]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' That made me look like a cold-blooded killer. I always felt Jason should have shot first. ''[same thing, but Jason fires a laser gun at the Nerd, but he dodges and shoots Jason in the head]''
:'''The Nerd''': I'm just kidding. I have no intentions of changing my older videos like that. But with all seriousness, some of the games I've done, I could have covered them a little better.

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[replaying'' Top Gun] I'm gonna land this thing. Oh, yeah. I'm finally gonna land the plane. This time, I'm gonna land it for real. Oh, I got it. I got it. I got the speed right, but the altitude's off! ''[watches the numbers]'' Oh, I'm going too fast! ''[watches the screen]'' ''[the plane somehow flies out of the TV with the Nerd looking surprised and breaks through a window]'' Hey, if, uh...anybody sees that plane, can you let me know?

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' And what about Judge Doom? He's one of the most difficult bosses in video game history, and I barely said a damn thing about him. Anytime Doom hits you, he takes a great deal of damage, but when ''you'' hit ''him,'' it doesn't do much. With such a huge assortment of weapons, you'd think that there'd be one that inflicts more damage on him, but nope, he has no weakness. All you can do is punch, punch, punch. It may seem easier than it looks, but Doom has no clear pattern. You gotta get lucky and just get him in the right rhythm so you can keep hitting him.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' Once you knock him down, you think it's all over, but no. You gotta pick up the Dip Cannon. But before you can use it, you have to select it. Like, no shit. Why ''wouldn't'' I want it selected? The worst part is that now Judge Doom kills you with one hit. It doesn't matter how full your health is. Anyone's natural reaction is to tap the button, but that won't get you far. You have to know to ''hold down'' the button, and only ''that way'' can you beat him.
:''[Judge Doom is defeated, and the end screen with the text saying, &quot;Toontown is saved and remains in the hands of its rightful owners, the Toons. The End.&quot;]''

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' I already mentioned how the game has nothing to do with the movie. You're collecting clocks, throwing bowling balls, and dodging bees, and other bizarre things. One thing I didn't elaborate on before is how Marty has some serious problem with his legs where he can't stop walking. You'd think this is a Goddamn flying game because you can't stop. Imagine all the problems Marty must go through on a daily basis, being cursed to walk for all eternity! Imagine trying to order at a fast food restaurant, or any restaurant. Imagine going to work or trying to use a bathroom or fly on a plane. He can only stand still when he's behind a counter at a Café throwing milkshakes. Anybody who's played this Café stage knows how unforgiving it is, and I've talked about it already. ''[a Café customer stops to talk to Marty, then he throws him against the wall.]''
:'''The Nerd''': But wouldn't you like to know what the rest of the game is like? Do we ever see Doc Brown, or does the DeLorean ever make an appearance? Or any of the other things from the movie? Let's find out.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' The rest of the street stages are all the same, except they change the color. &quot;No effort. Time is money, don't design another stage. Just change the color, and kids will think it's different.&quot; Do they think we're idiots?
:'''The Nerd''': Then we come to an empty classroom where Lorraine, I guess, is shooting hearts at Marty. What, is he the teacher all of a sudden? And what's he catching hearts for? I suppose it's like in the movie where Lorraine has a crush on Marty, but that's his mom so he's trying not to let that happen. Why isn't he avoiding the hearts then? Oh, I see, I guess he's catching them in a book or something. It's the most literal interpretation of a movie. &quot;It's about time, so let's have clocks! It's about romance, let's have hearts!&quot; Was this game designed by a human being? Or did they just feed the movie into a computer to process and then shit out this nonsensical fuck-poop?
:'''The Nerd''': Once again, like the Café stage, you have to score at least 50 points. Then it's on to more walking stages, and after that, it's the Enchantment Under The Sea dance where Marty plays guitar. What do you do? You have to catch musical notes. What more did you expect? I'll tell you one thing, it's certainly no ''Guitar Hero'' or ''Rock Band.'' Why does Marty play the guitar like a stand-up bass the whole time? Why is he wearing a boiler suit? I guess the same reason he's wearing a black muscle shirt. Where's the red jacket or the suit? Couldn't they have gotten Marty to look ''anything'' like he did in the films? And what about the music? Wouldn't this have been an opportune time to hear ''Earth Angel'' or ''Johnny B. Goode?'' ''[notices music from the game]'' Okay, wait a minute. It ''is'' Johnny B. Goode on crack. ''[4 seconds later]'' If [[w:Capcom|they]] can make the ''DuckTales'' theme sound awesome in 8-bit, why not this? At least you get some different music for once.
:'''The Nerd''': Next, more walking. And finally, the DeLorean. Yes, the DeLorean makes an appearance, after all. This is supposed to be the scene where Marty is trying to get back to the future. The streets of Hill Valley are getting slammed with repeated lightning strikes! All you have to do here is dodge the lightning. That's all. Why are you dodging lightning anyway? Isn't Marty trying to get the lightning to hit the DeLorean to generate the 1.21 gigawatts and send him back to 1985? Isn't that the whole fucking idea of the movie? Anyway, that's ''Back to the Future'' NES. No special ending, nothing. ''[The music from the game continues playing]'' Fuck that music.

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:'''The Nerd''': Well, now that we've seen the whole game, we can conclude that it has... uh... ''some'' relation to the movie. But it doesn't have any of the familiar music cues. And don't tell me it was some kind of licensing issue, like they were able to license the movie, but not the music that belongs with that movie that we all recognize. No Back to the Future theme, no Power of Love, no Back in Time, no Johnny B. Goode! (SORT OF) Well, fuck this! ''[throws the game cartridge behind the futon and drinks some Rolling Rock, accompanied by Johnny B. Goode on crack]''

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' When I first reviewed this game, I was being a shithead. I never explained how it's played. And that's where things get really interesting. You're supposed to collect 30 items, and bring them all back to their rightful places and times. You find the items behind locked doors. To unlock the doors, you need to find the keys which are found by killing random enemies. But the keys don't sit still. They fly off the screen the second they appear. Usually, you're not expecting the key, so you might not catch it. Once the key's gone, it doesn't return. Not unless you exit the level and come back. Even when you get a key, most of the doors don't let you in. ''[Marty cannot unlock a door]'' I don't know the reason for this, but when you do find the right door, you'll get an item. But you don't get it right away, you have to do some sort of mini-game. They're all different, but the goal is the same: To collect all the clocks. How original.

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' Why did LJN have to make every NES movie adaptation? Couldn't they have given somebody else a try? No, they wanted to incorporate the entire spectrum of awfulness. ''[The LJN rainbow logo appears on the screen, and each color lights up as the Nerd mentions them]'' &quot;Purple for Putrid Gameplay&quot;, &quot;blue for Bad Musical Abominations&quot;, &quot;Green for Graphical Farts and Garlic&quot;, &quot;Yellow for Piss Poor Lack of Loyalty to Source Material&quot;, &quot;Orange for 'Aren't You a Fuckin' Idiot?'&quot;, and &quot;Red for High-Stress Anger-Inducing Masochism&quot;. Put that all together, you got all the colors of the Shit Rainbow. ''[sarcastically]'' Hooray, LJN.

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover, playing Back to the Future Part III on Genesis]'' Naturally, the graphics are a big step up, going over to a 16-bit console, and it represents the film far better than the Nintendo games. But there's one fatal flaw: the difficulty. You're Doc Brown on a horse trying to save Clara from going into the ravine. Unfortunately, the ground is littered with crates and other random obstacles, and the air is filled with birds, tomahawks, and all kinds of projectiles.
:'''The Nerd''': You get hit once, it knocks you off your horse, costing you precious time. If you fall only a few times, you have to start over. ''[Game Over screen with Clara falling into the ravine and her gravestone appears]'' Hazards come without any warning. The human brain cannot react as fast as this game demands! It's like a memory test; the only way to get by is to remember the whole level.
:'''The Nerd''': Uh, Jump! Uh, uh, jump again! Duck, uh... shoot, uh... what, ''[yells]'' '''''FUCK!''''' ''[Doc Brown gets knocked off horse]'' ''[exclaims]'' You fucking processing, stop being so blast!
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' It's really hard to distinguish which objects are hazards and which are just there for decoration, like this underwear. This is a perfect example of a game that starts out way too hard. It's only the first level and I can't beat it!
:'''The Nerd''': From what I understand, there's only four levels. For a Sega Genesis game, that's pathetic. I guess they were too lazy to design a longer game so they just made it more difficult so it'd take longer to beat, that's all!
:'''The Nerd''': ''[moans]'' Oh, and that fucking song, I am so sick of hearing it! Next time I hear Ghost Riders in the Sky, I'm gonna think about going 100 miles per hour on a horse jumping crates and getting shot at and shit!
:''[Doc gets knocked off horse repeatedly]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' Fuck-fuck-fuck-'''''UNGH'''''-'''''UNGH'''''-fuck-fuck-ungh-UNGH-UNGH-FUCK-fuck-''ungh''-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-'''''FUCK!!! FUCK!''''' ''[gets furious, throws a pillow at the TV, takes out the game, throws it to the floor and screams.]'' Daaamn!! ''[he yells while he strangles the controller and throws the pillow to the floor.]''

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[after playing Super Back to the Future Part II on SNES]'' A '''''good''''' ''Back to the Future'' game? Somebody made a good ''Back to the Future'' game...and it was only in Japan? ''[suddenly gets angry]'' '''''WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS FUCKIN' WORLD?!''''' We get '''''THESE''''' shitty games, but not '''''THAT''''' one? Like, what the Hell? Why would you do that? It's good! I mean, it's not great, but, it's the best goddamn ''Back to the Future'' game I've ever played. It's actually a game! Why bury the gem and dig up the turd? Innocent people have suffered through these fucking fuck heaps! People developed &quot;Fuck it!&quot;-itis from this shit! People have gone on to live horrible lives, kicking babies in the balls! If you would've went back in time and said to people, &quot;Hey, hey, there's a good ''Back to the Future'' game. Put this shit down and go to Japan!&quot;, they would've looked at you like you're telling them to go...teabag a goat on the surface of Mars. ''[sarcastically]'' Well, thank you for taking a fuckin' shit on us all.

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:'''The Nerd''': Well, hope you enjoyed my Nintendo Days Re-Revisited. Oh, and guess what? Yeah, I hate sentences that begin with that: &quot;Guess what?&quot; Because you know it's never a good thing. ''[sighs]'' But the fact is... I have one more game to revisit. I don't wanna say what it is, let alone even play it, but I'm thinking about it.

=== Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde Re-Revisited ===
:''[The episode begins with a black-and-white clip; the first few seconds from the original &quot;Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde&quot; review from 2004. The Nerd's voice can be heard over this.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' In May of 2004, I gave a warning about a game called Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I made it perfectly clear: '''''DO NOT PLAY''''' this game. But, from what I understand... people have played it. They didn't listen...but, it wasn't their fault. I only showed about one minute of footage from the game, and even though I talked about it at great length, it didn't do any good. ''[The Nerd drinks some Rolling Rock.]'' I called it a piece of shit. I called it an awful pile of steaming goat shit... ''[shakes his head in disgust]'' ...but, that was honoring it. I could have said ''anything,'' it wouldn't have mattered. I could have taken a '''''fuck''''' on it. But my own '''''fuck''''' would have been offended to lay on this ''loathsome piece of '''filth.''''' Just the thought of covering this thing in doo-doo is like encasing it in gold. I curse the day I ''ever'' laid eyes on it. I curse the plastic that holds this abomination. My words are ''insufficient'' in describing the '''''total insult''''' to humanity that this '''''&quot;game&quot;''''' has provided. Everything that '''''I've''''' ever said, and anything that '''''anybody else''''' has ever said, is '''''not''''' enough. It '''''must''''' be shown. ''[He drinks more Rolling Rock]''

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:'''The Nerd:''' Here's the deal. If you die as Jekyll, you turn into Hyde. Die as Hyde, the game's over. There's two ways to die as Hyde. Number 1: The traditional way: Getting hit too many times. Number 2: Getting '''''as far''''' as Jekyll. Yeah, you know whenever lightning strikes and you drop dead in your tracks for no apparent reason? Well, ''that's'' the reason. You got too far.

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:'''The Nerd:''' Ah, these bees! Go away! ''[Jekyll's cane attack kills a bee]'' What happened? I killed a bee? ''[Jekyll's cane attack kills another bee]'' '''''I KILLED SOMETHING!''''' The only thing you can kill in the whole game, and it's a ''little, tiny, stupid, '''FUCKIN' BEE!'''''

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:'''The Nerd''': When Robert Louis Stevenson wrote his story about a doctor who makes a potion that exposes his inner evil, he didn't realize that the potion would become a reality. Not in the form of chemistry, but through a late 20th century interactive electronic apparatus. Awful music, dreadful graphics, unspeakable gameplay, deceptive enemies, unavoidable hazards, useless weaponry, all mixed together and calculated just right. That is a ''horrible'' concoction!

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:''[Cut to a graveyard, the Nerd digs up a skeleton from Robert Louis Stevenson's grave. The Nerd chokes the skeleton, but the skeleton laughs in a monstrous voice, and begins to choke the Nerd in response. Intimidated, the Nerd throws the skeleton away.]''
:'''Skeleton''': ''[gives the Nerd the middle finger]'' Fuck you.
:''[The Nerd tries to hit the skeleton with the cane, but misses, and the skeleton chortles, completely unharmed]''
:'''Skeleton''': I am the devil! ''[laughs evilly]'' Now go play some Dr. Jekyll and Mr. '''''HYDE!!!!!'''''
:'''The Nerd''': No!
:'''Skeleton''': ''[bellows]'' '''''HYDE!!!!!!'''''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[softer]'' No...!

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:'''The Nerd:''' I think I get it. Why, it's the best game ever made. It's more than a game! It exposes the dual nature of the human spirit. The only way to win the game is to be Jekyll, but you wanna be Hyde so you can shoot shit! You see, it's a constant battle between good and evil, and Jekyll must stay farther along his path than Hyde. If Hyde gains the lead, then evil will triumph over good, and that's the true conflict of the human soul.
:'''The Nerd:''' And to deny the evil completely would only force it into the subconscious mind, like a city broken into different social classes: people don't wanna step outside their own boundaries, like Jekyll wandering into the wrong section of town, he's unwelcome. Nevertheless, he must abide by his own good nature.
:'''The Nerd:''' No wonder the cane doesn't work. The game does not reward you for acting upon your malevolent intentions. It's a proposed guideline for a set of morality rules to be programmed into real life. It uses the Victorian Era as a fundamental depiction of outward respectability and inward lust, it's a metaphor for social and geographical fragmentation. It alludes the Freud theory of repression in which unacceptable desires or impulses are excluded from the conscious mind and left to operate on their own in the ''un''conscious.
:'''The Nerd:''' Or, you could just say, '''''&quot;THE GAME FUCKIN' SUCKS.&quot;'''''

=== [[w:Lester the Unlikely|Lester the Unlikely]] ===
:'''AVGN''': (sighs) What's the point? It's all gonna be dust one day. [He decides to play Lester the Unlikely] ''[[w:Lester the Unlikely|Lester the Unlikely]].'' It's unlikely that this is gonna be a good game. (Inserts the game in and turns the Super Nintendo on as Lester yells like Tarzan.) Okay, title screen. Guy swinging on a vine. Like every other jungle adventure game. Then comes the story. You're Lester, a comic book geek who wanders onto a dock, and then... (Groans) OK, I have no faith in this character already if he's gonna go to sleep on a piece of cargo that's being loaded onto a ship. He becomes an involuntary stowaway, the ship's raided by pirates, and Lester swims to a nearby tropical island. That's where the game begins.

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:'''AVGN''': Half the time Lester does things against your own will. ''[Lester automatically runs away from a crab]'' I didn't do that! The game did! Have you ever had a game character disobey? ''[Lester runs away from a large turtle on the ground]'' Go near the godfuckingdamn turtle! Why does he keep running!? What's so threatening about a fucking turtle!? ''[Lester runs away from another turtle]'' Run, Lester, run! Get away from that turtle! That turtle might charge really fucking fast!

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:'''AVGN''': This is a penis-shaped piss stain on the face of gaming. I'd rather fuck the Wicked Witch of the West! I'd rather play a CD-i game! Yeah! Like ''The Flowers of Robert Mapplethorpe''. ''[plays it, but after a while of just looking at still images of flowers]'' ...No, I wouldn't.

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:'''AVGN''': Just let him die. Who wants to play as a weak, pathetic character like this? Wouldn't you rather be a tough guy? Isn't that the whole point of playing a game? To feel empowered? To be someone you're not? I mean, I get it - he's supposed to be a nerd. Well, this &quot;nerd&quot; makes me look like [[w:Charles Bronson|Charles Bronson]]! [[w:Steve Urkel|Steve Urkel]] could beat the fuck out of this guy! I think this whole thing was an experiment: To create the world's ''worst'' video game character.

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:'''AVGN''': No wonder why he didn't get his own sequels. I can imagine what Lester the Unlikely 2 would've been like. The game would start... and you couldn't even move! All that happens, Lester pulls down his pants, sucks his thumb, and takes a fuck. The third game, you couldn't even get past the title screen. All that happens, you push Start, and Lester falls down and farts. (he shrugs) The fourth game doesn't even work at all. You just put it in your Super Nintendo... (the Nerd puts the game into the SNES, turns it on, and the game explodes)... and it explodes. (disgusted) The fifth game isn't even a game at all: it's just a bag of shit that says Lester the Unlikely 5 on it. (the Nerd holds up the &quot;Lester the Unlikely&quot; 5 bag and fuck is dripping down to the floor. The Nerd holds his nose in revolt.) And there's a new one coming up on the PS4 using the latest state-of-the-art technology (the Nerd holds up the CD) of constructing the disc out of orangutan diarrhea. It just turned out that was the only way, and it really gives Blu-Ray a run for its money.

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:'''AVGN''': Fuck this game. (throws down the controller) And you know what? Fuck all games. I'm gonna watch some TV. ''(He turns on the TV and tries to change channels, but the TV is all static.)'' Man. TV nowadays sucks.

=== How The Nerd Stole Christmas ===
:'''AVGN''': ''[[w:Wall Street Kid|Wall Street Kid]]'' is a game about cash and stocks. Might as well fill my Christmas socks with trash and severed cat cocks!

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:'''AVGN''': ''[[w:Killing Time (video game)|Killing Time]]'' on [[w:3DO Interactive Multiplayer|3DO]] doesn't give you enough ammo! Your parents paying fifty bucks for a game where you shoot the fuck out of ducks really sucks! I'd rather eat deceased skunk yeast than play inferior arcade ports like ''[[w:Altered Beast|Altered Beast]]''. Altered Beast is a nut-kicking feast I can't stand in the least!

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:'''AVGN''': ''[[w:S.C.A.T.: Special Cybernetic Attack Team|S.C.A.T.]]'' stands for Special Cybernetic Attack Team, but &quot;the droppings of carnivorous mammals&quot; is what the word &quot;scat&quot; really means. It's as close as you can get to a Nintendo game called &quot;Shit&quot;.

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:'''AVGN''': We'll see how they like ''[[w:Circus Caper|Circus Caper]]'', it's as fun as inhaling Chewbacca's anal vapor!

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: '''AVGN''': ''[Playing [[w:Fist of the North Star (Nintendo Entertainment System)|''Fist of the North Star'']] on NES]'' Finding the right door is such a chore. C'mon, where do I go!? What a bore! Finally, when you do find the right door, how you go in? Wanna know the way? Not up, not down: By pressing Right, B, and A!!! How much were they drinking!? Why is it so stinking!? I'm staring unblinking, &quot;What were they thinking!?&quot;

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:'''Bear McCreary''': ''[singing to the tune of ''You're A Mean One, Mr. Grinch''].''
:''You're a mean one, Mr. Nerd.''
:''You really are a jerk!''
:''You're shameless as a shitmop,''
:''You got mischief in your smirk, Mr. Nerd.''
:''I wouldn't blame you when you're playing Atari Berzerk!''
:''You're a vile one, Mr. Nerd.''
:''You've got demons in your soul!''
:''You're wacky and you're wicked,''
:''Your crap is full of coal, Mr. Nerd.''

=== [[w:Day Dreamin' Davey|Day Dreamin' Davey]] ===
:'''AVGN''': Oh, no. Time to play a fucky game for the 98th fucking time. Day Dreamin' Davey. Should I even care who the hell Davey is? Oh no, it's HAL. Don't trust anything called HAL. Actually, the same company created Kirby, and developed Super Smash Bros. Maybe this won't be so bad then.
:'''Davey''': Awesome!
:'''AVGN''':  Oh, no. I just jinxed the whole thing. Well, as you probably guessed from the title, this is all about a kid who daydreams. Starts out, Davey's in school, and a bully steals his pencil. ...So he's gotta get the pencil back? Man, that's some epic storyline right there. So, Davey falls asleep in class and dreams he's in the Middle Ages. It's like your typical Zelda-esque adventure, but instead of trying to save a princess and save the lives of everyone in the land from evil forces, it's all about getting... a pencil.

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:'''AVGN''': Why does he care so much about a fucking pencil? Was he planning to take it home after school and shove it up his fuck or something?

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:'''AVGN''': Then you get a sword, but it's a dream, so when he wakes up it's a ruler he's holding. Why is he so excited about a ruler? Does he wanna measure his turds? Then the teacher says, &quot;What are you doing? You are going to see the principal for this.&quot; Um, for what? For measuring his turds in class?

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:'''AVGN''': What's this? A hooker? She asks if I need some &quot;help&quot;? Really! There's a Nintendo game where a ''hooker'' tries to sell herself to a kid. ''Now'' this whole thing is worth it.

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:'''AVGN''': ''[after defeating the Medusa]'' Finally when you kill her, you grab her head off the ground. You know what would be really awesome? If Davey woke up here, and had the teacher's decapitated head in his hands. ''[appears an image of Davey happily holding the teacher's blood dripping head]'' Yeah.

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:'''AVGN''': ''[after Davey got a trophy in his dream, and he wakes up in front of the principal with the trophy actually in his possession]'' So Davey wakes up and the Principal's like, &quot;Where'd you get that trophy?&quot; So, now Davey's actually bringing back objects from his dreams? Does this make any sense? You know what would be cool? If Freddy Krueger came out and clawed his fucking face off!

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:'''AVGN''': Well, that's it! Basically, that's Day Dreamin' Davey. That's the whole game. Mediocre... That's what it is. So, until next time... Gotta dream... something... better...

=== [[w:Star Wars computer and video games|Star Wars]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': I have a bad feeling about this. We're gonna play a bunch of ''[[w:Star Wars computer and video games|Star Wars games]].''The movies were a prime target for video game adaptations. They were full of all kinds of action setpieces with battles taking place in space and on land, lightsaber duels, speederbike chases. They had lovable characters, great storylines, and a classic mythology that was bright for expanding upon in the world of gaming. So, how could they fuck that up? Let's find out. Our journey begins, innocently enough, with the Atari 2600. ''[plays Star Wars for the Atari 2600]'' This is the first Star Wars game, or at least the first Atari version based on the first movie. It follows the same format as the arcade version which came out before. It focuses on only one scene from the movie: the climactic rebel attack on the Death Star. It's unimpressive to say the least, but for the time, it was ambitious to try and create a 3D perspective. And besides, the Atari 2600 is well known for not being able to live up to the arcade standards of quality.

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[Playing the Japanese Famicom ''Star Wars'', the Nerd fights [[w:Darth Vader|Darth Vader]] inside the sandcrawler level, and is shocked when Vader transforms into a scorpion.]'' Did that happen in the movie? Did that happen in... any of the movies?! Did Darth Vader say to [[w:Luke Skywalker|Luke]], &quot;I am your father, and I am also, a ''fucking'' scorpion!&quot; No! It's not true! '''''THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!! WHY DOES DARTH VADER TURN INTO A FUCKING SCORPION?!''''' That doesn't even happen in the Special Editions! There is ''no'' version of ''Star Wars,'' in this universe or timeline, or any other (I'm...sure of it.) where Darth Vader turns into...''[Takes his glasses off, cleans them, rubs his eyes, and puts them back on]''...a ''fucking'' scorpion.

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:'''The Nerd''': It also happens to be one of those &quot;Where the fuck do I go?&quot; kind of games. If you haven't played the game before, you can spend hours searching for the right place. 

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:'''The Nerd''': OK, so I guess he's going into the Mos Eisley bar. That's the famous scene in the movie where Luke meets [[w:Han Solo|Han Solo]]. But one thing I didn't know was that they allow Landspeeders in the bar. What, does Luke just crash his way in? ''[a car-crashing sound effect and a Chewbacca roar are imposed on Luke riding the landspeeder straight into the bar]'' It's quite interesting, actually. In this version, Luke gets to the bar so fast, I bet Han and Greedo were still talking at, at the table, and you know, who shot first, Han or Greedo, whatever. But actually, neither one of them did! Luke kills Greedo with his Landspeeder. Right after Han says &quot;Over my dead body.&quot;, '''''BOOM!''''' All of a sudden, Luke comes through, crashing with the fucking Landspeeder!!! I wanna see ''that'' in the next Special Edition.

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:'''The Nerd''': The NES got [[w:Star Wars (1991 video game)|a different Star Wars game.]] ''[sees JVC logo]'' Hold on. No LJN? It's a movie based game, it's on Nintendo, and it wasn't made by LJN? Then it might have a chance.

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:'''The Nerd''': Man, the only way to beat an outrageously difficult game like this is to cheat! Like, I hear a lot of people use emulators or save-states. You know, that would be pretty handy, I guess, but you know what'd be better? How about just a button you press that makes the game beat? And that's why I invented the Beat-A-Game Button! Yeah! All you do, if you're playing a really hard game, you just push the button, and the game's beat! Let's try it out. ''[[w:Ninja Gaiden II: The Dark Sword of Chaos|Ninja Gaiden II]].'' Ooh, that's a hard game. Oh, man. Oh, shit. I'm getting my fuck kicked. ''[he gets an idea as he presses the Beat-A-Game Button then beats Ninja Gaiden II]'' ''[[w:The Legend of Zelda (video game)|Legend of Zelda]]!'' ''[presses the button and he beats said game]'' Beat it. ''[[w:Mega Man (video game)|Mega Man]]!'' ''[presses the button and he beats said game]'' Beat it. You'd never thought you could beat the game. Not without the Beat-A-Game Button! ''[stands up and walks to his NES library]'' All right, all you games. Consider your ass beat! ''[he holds the button in triumph while an 8-bit version of [[w:Music of Star Wars|The Imperial March]] plays as he wouldn't use the button to beat every single game]'' All right, back to ''Star Wars.''

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:'''The Nerd''': Of course we had to stop somewhere because there's a whole galaxy of ''Star Wars''-related games so this could've gone on and on. With ''Star Wars Rebel Assault, Dark Forces, Jedi Academy, Rogue Squadron, Battlefront, Star Wars Chess, Lego Star Wars, Star Wars Puzzle Blaster, Star Wars Pod Racer, [he then starts making them up as he goes along] Jar Jar Binks Bingo, Death Star Builder 3.0, Chewie Wookie Cookie Cooking, Stormtrooper Tennis, Jabba's Farts Unleashed,'' (That was a good one.) ''Wedge's Wedgie Attack, Fishing For Ackbars, Super Sith Shit-Toss Tournament Edition, Boba Fett's Name Game,'' (Find his name in the fuckin' movies.) ''Govenor Tarkin vs. Count Dookie--'' ''[a cutout buffalo walks past and defecates through the Nerd's window, breaking it and startling the Nerd.]'' '''''OH, MY GOD!!! OH, MY GOD! WHAT THE--?! THAT FUCKING BUFFALO JUST TOOK A FUCKING FUCK THROUGH MY FUCKING WINDOW!!! OH, MY FUCKING GOD, THERE'S FUCK AND FUCKING GLASS ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE! WHERE IN THE FUCK DID THAT FUCKING COME FROM?! OH, MY GOD!! NOW I GOTTA FUCKING CLEAN ALL THIS FUCK UP! WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?!'''''

=== [[w:R.O.B.|R.O.B. The Robot]] ===
:'''R.O.B.''': ''[robotic voice]'' I will play, I am R.O.B., Robotic Operating Buddy.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[intrigued]'' Okay, cool, a robot. Here ya go. ''[hands R.O.B. the controller]''
:'''R.O.B.''': ''[robotic voice]'' Error, does not compute, requires adaptive device.
:'''The Nerd''': It's a controller. You play it.
:'''R.O.B.''': ''[robotic voice]'' I do not have thumbs, you moron. 

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:'''R.O.B.''': ''[robotic voice]'' Must have gyros.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[annoyed]'' You want a fucking gyro now? ''[He goes into the kitchen, makes a gyro sandwich, and returns to R.O.B.]'' All right, here's your damn gyro.
:'''R.O.B.''': ''[robotic voice]'' You idiot. That is not a gyro.
:'''The Nerd''': I know, I tried - what, do you want me to go to fuckin' Greece?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' ''[angrily]'' You ready now, R.O.B.? You happy? You got enough ''shit'' to work with?!
:'''R.O.B''': ''[robotic voice]'' Affirmative.
:'''The Nerd''': &quot;Affirmative,&quot; your ''ass!'' Let's play. 

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:'''The Nerd''': Oh, no, no, no, no-- ''[Professor Hector dies]'' ''[growling]'' Fuck! Oh, here comes a Smick! ''[Professor Hector dies again]'' ''[exclaims]'' Fucking Smick's a dick!

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:'''The Nerd''': You're doing this, you cybernetic shit-sucker!

== Season Six ==

=== [[w:Steven Spielberg|Spielberg Games]] ===

:'''AVGN''': You wanna know a recipe for shit? Take a movie, put it on NES, n' you got yourself some shit. But let's go even more extreme. Let's take one of the best movies ever made, ''[[w:Jaws (film)|Jaws]]'', by one of the best directors, Steven Spielberg! And then, let's give it to ''the'' game company that has made more fucking shitty games than anybody else! You see that little rainbow, right there? LJN. ...Now we're talking shit. Ahh, LJN. What we're dealing with here is a shitty-game-making-machine. It's really a miracle of electronic evolution. All this machine does is joke, and cheat, and make shitty games, and that's all.

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:'''AVGN''': Jaws’ Power Meter goes down slower than the hairs grow on a moose’s scrotum.

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:'''AVGN''': We're gonna need a bigger ass... to shit out this fucking turd! ''[Removes the game from the Nintoaster]'' Never playing this game again. I would just throw it into the sea, but I hear that in 2015, there's an antique store opening up, in Hill Valley. They might take it. ''(Picks up a box)'' Well, right here, I got a box of games, based on movies by Steven Spielberg. Let's see what we got. ''(he pulls out E.T. the Extra Terrestrial for the Atari 2600. The Nerd gasps in horror, throws the box away, and the camera zooms in on the E.T. game)'' Ugh!

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:'''AVGN''': Super ''[[w:Schindler's List|Schindler's List]]'' 3D!? Nah, I'm just kiddin'. It's ''[[w:Jurassic Park (film)|Jurassic Park]]''.

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:'''AVGN''': It's one of those &quot;Where the fuck do I go?&quot; kind of games. You run around like an idiot collecting eggs. So, yes, it's like a big Easter egg hunt with Smokey Bear and dinosaurs. 

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:'''AVGN''': Looky looky, I got [[w:Hook|Hooky]].

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:'''AVGN''': It's amazing how many games in the NES library tried to be side-scrollers and failed. The weapon is puny, the controls suck, and it's nothing like the movie. It's a miserable experience that assaults your eyes and ears with ''horrible'' graphics and music. What about your nose? If it was possible, I'm sure the game cartridge would come with an air duct that pervades the room with the rancid odor of a skunk that's died up a horse's ass! Ugh! You know what kind of games I like? Good ones?

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:'''AVGN''': ''[Playing ''Jurassic Park: Interactive'' on the 3DO]'' Oh, look at this! You're a tiny microscopic speck flying around in circuit-chip land shooting three-and-a-half-inch floppy disks. What does this have to do with ''Jurassic Park''!? WHAT WERE THEY THINKING!? Wait a minute. What does it say on the floppy disks? &quot;'''Dump'''&quot;? It says &quot;Dump&quot;? How appropriate. This game is a bunch of anal dump.

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:'''AVGN''': ''Jurassic Park'' on 3DO is a complete mockery, man. Does it suck? You bet &quot;JUR ASS IC&quot; sucks! In the words of Ian Malcom, &quot;That is one big pile of shit.&quot; The problem with all these games is that the power to make them doesn't require any discipline. They took the movie, without any responsibility, they stood on the shoulders of Steven Spielberg and Michael Crichton to accomplish something as fast as they could, and before they even knew what they had, they patented it, they packaged it, they slapped it on a plastic game cartridge or CD, and (slaps) they sold it.

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:'''AVGN''': Now even though this says E.T. Go Come on the cover it is not the E.T. game. Oh no. Now I gotta make something perfectly clear. I play shitty games so that innocent gamers don't have to. But there's ''one'' game I ''never'' play. ''[picks up [[w:E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (video game)|E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial]] for the Atari, opens the box, shows a cartridge then throws it in disgust while the choir sings in background]'' Ugh! ''[looks away, then looks back just as the camera slowly zooms in on the game with texts appear saying &quot;To Be Continued in [[w:Angry Video Game Nerd: The Movie|Angry Video Game Nerd: The Movie]]&quot;]''

=== The Making of an Angry Video Game Nerd episode/[[w:Barbie (video game)|Barbie]] ===
:'''AVGN''': No degeneracy is low enough to satisfy the shit-seeking gamer who decides to play ''Barbie'' on NES. Whoo. We know that most games on NES are targeted towards young boys. So, here's one for the girls. As an adult male, why would I ''ever'' want to play this? Because I'm pathetic, and I'm asking for fuck!

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:'''AVGN''': So the game is actually her dream, in case you ever wanted to know what Barbie dreams about. She dreams about a nursery that's been overtaken by a poltergeist! Tennis rackets are hitting balls all over the place, there's clothing flying around, she has to fight the invisible woman, there's a puppy dog that's helping her attack evil stockings or something, Toucan Sam gives her a lift... I wonder if there's any psychological meaning behind these dreams. Barbie's really fucked up in the head. Even the craziest psychopaths on Earth don't dream this fuck!

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:'''AVGN''': The wallpaper's covered in roses, teddy bears, and baseballs. I guess you can say this game is balls to the wall. I can't help but notice how many balls are in the game. They're everywhere! Perhaps the meaning behind this is because she's obsessed with Ken's balls.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I just got my ass handed to me by a ''Barbie'' game. This game was made for little girls and I can't even get past the first few stages. Fuck this game! Fucking Barbie! Plastic pink mall-shopping, bimbo, ball-craving, bird-riding, ghost-fighting, fish-flopping, psycho-dreaming, HAIR BRAIN PIECE OF FUCK! Go to fuck!

=== [[w:Kid Kool|Kid Kool]] ===
:'''AVGN''': ''Kid Kool'' is a game that's so bad, you wouldn't want to go wipe your ass on it. Your worst fucking enemies don't deserve to play this accursed, foul piece of garbage! Satan doesn't even have any games in Fuck that are as wretched as this putrid shitload of fuck!

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:'''AVGN''': There's parts where you have to get over water and the only way to do this is to master the fragile art of skipping across on your butt. Think it looks easy? It's not.

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:'''AVGN''': ''What'' is the deal with this? Did the programmers have any clue how to make a video game? You're not supposed to have the game stop in mid-jump to reorient the screen! That is so irritating! How are you supposed to make a jump when the screen keeps jolting up and down!? How are you supposed to stomp on enemies!? Look at this! ''Look at this!'' We'll call it &quot;air suspension fuck-lift&quot;.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''':  So that's ''Kid Kool'' for you. It seems to deliberately follow the guidelines for making an unholy disaster of a game. It has one-way bullshit, two-gear diarrhea, it's heavy on the jump-fuckness, with loads of topside aquatic ass, it has frequent air suspension shit-lifts, a ton of inviso-bitches, and some free-falling fuckballs for good measure. How did they make the game this bad!? It's clearly untested and rushed beyond belief. There couldn't have been that big a demand for ''Kid Kool''. What was the hurry? In order to do something good, it takes time.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I went through all that torture just to be given the middle-finger salute!? This is a perfect example of a game that's been ruined by control. Control! And that's the hardest part to explain because unless you've played the game, you don't really understand. I mean, maybe you've played other games with horrible control like ''Karate Champ'', or ''Dr. Claw's Dump n' Pump'', but those don't compare. Playing this is like trying to thread a needle while it's spinning on a record player. It's like trying to drive a car blindfolded. You would NOT want to try that, nor would you want to try this game! ''Kid Kool'' is not cool! ''[the Nerd blindly throws the game over his shoulder, and by chance it lands into a garbage bin, to his astonishment.]''

=== [[w:Nintendo World Championships|Nintendo World Championships]] ===
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:'''The Nerd''': ''[he excitedly holds the box of NES games]'' If this box contains what I think it does, then this will be the greatest moment in my career as a game collector. I bought this from an eBay auction. The seller gave a list of games included; mostly NES games that I own already. But there's one that caught my attention: ''[[w:Nintendo World Championships|Nintendo World Championships]]''. Under normal circumstances, this particular game would cost a fortune. The seller probably had no idea what they had, and that happens sometimes. They're trying to get rid of some old games at a flea market or a yard sale or something, and they don't realize that what they're selling happens to be one of the most rare NES games in existence. Nintendo World Championships was never sold in stores. It was a specially-made game cartridge used as part of a gaming competition. Remember the 1989 movie, The Wizard with the big game tournament? Well, this was a real-life version inspired by the movie. The competition was part of a big festival called Powerfest in 1990. It was divided into age groups. Each winner got a cash prize of $10,000, and took home other goodies. The finalists each got to keep their own copy of the game. But there was another version made in gold. The gold cartridges are even more rare. Only 26 were made, and given out as part of a random prize giveaway in Nintendo Power magazine. Also, the red label only existed in the promo pics. The actual games were all gold with a cheap logo glued on that's been cut out with scissors. The whereabouts of these games remain largely unknown. But, in recent years, many of them have show up in auctions, commanding huge prices. But there's still more out there. Um, there were other Nintendo contests like Campus Challenge, two of them, and the Super Nintendo Powerfest '94 competition. But Nintendo World Championships seems to be the most famous, and is considered the Holy Grail among NES collectors. Could I have one of these in my possession right now? Let's find out! ''[starts opening up box with excitedly]'' Oh, boy, I can't wait! It's, I wonder, it's probably the grey one. But who knows? It might even be the gold one! ''[anxiously opens box and digs through cartridges, and unveils game labeled &quot;NWC1990&quot;; Nerd is excited until the camera zooms in on the game's text &quot;Reproduction Cartridge&quot;, and the Nerd's joy slowly fades]'' This is a reproduction cart. Anybody can get these. Worth about $50. ''[he sighs, stands up, and walks to game shelves]'' Well, at least I can still say, &quot;I own Nintendo World Championships&quot;. ''[he places the reproduction cartridge into his game shelf]'' It's not the real thing. I'll never own a complete NES collection. Wait a minute. I know somebody who might own a real NWC. Yeah, somebody who's as obsessed with game collecting as I am, and when it comes to NES, he's even more crazy.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[on the phone with Pat the NES Punk, discussing the authentic copy of the game in Pat's possession]'' Tell you what, uh, if you come on over? I'll help, um, authenticate it for you. I'll give it the Nerd seal of approval.
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': The &quot;Nerd seal of approval&quot;? What is that? Like, you'll take a dump on it?
:'''The Nerd''': No, that would be the Nerd seal of disapproval. Come over, I'll take a look at it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[trying to convince Pat to give him the rarer gold NWC cart]'' The gold one's a piece of crap! I mean, you don't want that. I mean, you know how they made those! They just cut out the logo with cheap paper, and they glued it on! With glue!
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': Yeah! Elmer's glue!
:'''The Nerd''': Yeah-yeah, I bet Mr. Elmer himself glued it on from his own goat. ''[imitates goat bleating]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': ''[while getting ready to play NWC]'' Where's your Nintendo?
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, the Nintendo? Right there, the Nintoaster.
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': The what? Are you playing video games or making breakfast? I'm not turning these expensive games into a goddamn English muffin!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[while playing the ''Rad Racer'' portion of NWC]'' Just think, the NWC cartridges are so expensive, you could actually use that money and buy a real car!
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': Sure, you can buy a car, but it wouldn't be a racer as rad as this.
:'''The Nerd''': Alright, So I finished ''Rad Racer.'' Now I'm up to ''Tetris?''
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': Final game, Nerd. All right, you're on a time limit, and to maximize your score, you gotta get the four-line Tetrises. W-Wait. Why am I helping you? You think you deserve these games? You changed your name from the Angry ''Nintendo'' Nerd to the ''Video Game'' Nerd! I'm the NES Punk, I deserve these games!
:'''The Nerd''': I know a lot of people who own ''Tetris.'' And they actually have the whole game!
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': That's it, that's your score. I'm going to annihilate it. ''[takes the NES controller from The Nerd]'' Thank you very much. ''[gets 50 coins on [[w:Super Mario Bros.|Super Mario Bros.]]]'' Okay, I just beat you on ''Super Mario Bros.'' Now, it's ''Rad Racer'' time.
:'''The Nerd''': Look at that. Well, you got two more games!
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': Yeah, I know I do. I can count!
:'''The Nerd''': Well, just think. We're playing on a reproduction cart, but if we were playing one of those other ones, it would be the same thing. So, what's the point? Just to play on an overly priced game cartridge?
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': What's the point? The point is, those games are part of Nintendo and video game history! There are part of our culture! Those games represent the point where Nintendo dominated our, our society! ''[car in &quot;Rad Racer&quot; crashes]'' Oh-- ah! ''[[w:Tetris|Tetris]]'' is next. I'm not gonna let you taunt me outta this one, I'm gonna win!
:'''The Nerd''': No, I'm serious. This game is a piece of shit.
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': Come on, Pat. Come on. Yeah! Triple-Line score! ''[pants]'' Double-Line score! I'm gonna win. ''[The Nerd gets the hammer from the drawer]'' The games are mine!
:'''The Nerd''': ''Nintendo World Championships'' is poop on a pedestal. It's an over-glorified holy shit-grail! Fuck it to hell, fuck it to high heaven, purgatory, and all existence!
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yes! Yes! I won! I won! ''[The Nerd whacks the two cartridges as he grunts angrily and smashes them into pieces as Pat looks at the broken pieces of NWC cartridges then The Nerd removes the reproduction cartridge.]''
:'''The Nerd''': Here you go. You can have this one. ''[Pat the NES Punk takes it for a moment, and then it slips out of his hands in his own disbelief. Pat the NES Punk then starts laughing, and The Nerd starts laughing as well.]'' Oh, man. ''[laughs then gets attacked by Pat the NES Punk]''

=== [[w:Dark Castle|Dark Castle]] ===

:'''AVGN:''' This is gonna get scary. Okay, I play a lot of 8-bit shit; you know, NES. Why is there so many crappy games on NES? I mean - you know, they have lots of great, classic games as well. But its precious library was being used by all these half-ass game companies as a dumping ground for all their foul shit.

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:'''AVGN:''' ''[Talking about the title screen in the Genesis version of Dark Castle]'' What the hell is this? A ghost giving a castle a blow job?

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:'''AVGN:''' ''[Upon starting the game and noticing the first room]'' This one says &quot;BK&quot;. What the hell does BK stand for? Burger King? I hope! If I go in there and I get served hamburgers, that would be the tits!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN:''' ''[In the game's dungeon]'' Oh, that's neat. Graffiti on the walls. &quot;Gamers rule&quot; and *what?* &quot;Saddam was here&quot;? As in Saddam Hussein? What was he doin' goin' around writing on castle walls? And &quot;Gamers rule&quot;? That's the same handwriting. Hmm, so Saddam was a really hardcore gamer? Wow.

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:'''AVGN:''' ''[Talking about the music]'' After you listen to the music for a half hour, you get tired of it. Fortunately, you have the option to turn the music off, but you have to do it at the right time, or else, it sustains it. ''[The nerd turns off the music at the wrong time and a loud genesis sound is played]'' '''Isn't that the fuckest thing you've ever heard?!! Didn't anybody test this shit out?!!'''

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:'''AVGN:''' ''[on the game's attacking controls]'' Why couldn’t this just operate like any normal game? Whoever came up with this idea is nuttier than squirrel poop.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN:''' As you notice, you can duck, it's done by pressing Down and B. But it only ducks for like a second. To stay ducking, you have to press ''up'' and B. Yup, pressing Up to duck is ''pretty fucked up''!

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:'''AVGN:''' On top of everything, it’s one of those maze-like, mindfuck games, where you never know where to go. Can I go here? Nope. Can I go there? Nope. What about here? Nope. Three spots on the same screen, all dead ends. Well, if it’s a dead end, WHY CAN'T THEY MAKE IT LOOK LIKE A DEAD END?! PUT A WALL THERE OR SOMETHING! WHY DOES IT HAVE TO LOOK LIKE A WIDE OPEN PASSAGEWAY?!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN:''' I happen to find a key, but I can’t figure out what it does. I tried every spot I can think of, but this key is as useless as boobs on a bull. Anything you do, you're fucked! Try this, you're fucked. Try that, you're fucked. You're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN:''' ''This'' is beyond any doubt, the ''worst'' Sega Genesis game I have ''ever'' played. There’s gotta be something I’m doing wrong. Let me see; maybe it’s on a really high difficulty setting - yeah, let me see what I can do here. Umm… EASY!? It was on easy!? That’s their idea of fucking easy!? Are they out of their minds!? Alright, let’s flick that shit-switch and crank up that diarrhea-dial; I got Dark Castle on C! D! '''''IIIIIIIIIII!!!''''' ''[roaring while flames engulf the room]''

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:'''AVGN:''' I can barely even fucking move! The control is ''impossible''! You ''can’t'' control it. You have more control over the weather than you do in the character in this game!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN:''' The Genesis version was bad, but this one fucks you harder than life itself! It’s like mixing shit with turds! It’s the most heinously anus thing ever conceived by humankind! It’s a curse to the soul, and it must suffer the tortures of the damned!

=== Bible Games III ===

:'''AVGN:''' In the beginning, the game company called Wisdom Tree began producing unlicensed games for the NES. Wisdom Tree said, &quot;Let there be shit.&quot; And there was shit. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about: Bible games, like Bible Buffet, where you're blowing off a snowman's head (which has nothing to do with the Bible), Super Noah's Ark 3D, where you're slingshottin' pissed off animals, Sunday Funday, where you're killing random people on your way to church, and all those ridiculous CD-i games.
:'''Child's voice:''' Yippie! Yippie! Whoops! Yippie!
:'''AVGN:''' I've already talked about these games in my previous Bible Games episodes. So what's the point of going on? Because Part 3 is never as good. But, you know, there's a few more bible games left, so I might as well finish what I started.

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:'''AVGN:''' ''[playing a Hangman-style game in ''King James Bible'' on Game Boy]'' Alright, what's the word? &quot;'''Goodliest'''&quot;? Who the fuck uses a word like that? &quot;'''Blessedness'''&quot;? Of course. They're all ancient words that nobody says anymore in common speech. Well, that's all there is to that. I marvel at this game's shitliness.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN:''' The other thing you can do is search for words in the Bible. For example, we can search, I dunno, how about the word &quot;Ass&quot;? [many results appear] Okay, I had no idea there'd be this many results. &quot;'''Then they rent their clothes and laded every man his ass'''&quot;, &quot;'''loose his ox or his ass'''&quot;, &quot;'''whose ass have I taken?'''&quot;, &quot;'''deliver unto his neighbour an ass'''&quot;, &quot;'''Which of you shall have an ass'''&quot;, &quot;'''he had found a young ass'''&quot;, &quot;'''the dumb ass'''&quot; - [laughs] it says &quot;dumb ass&quot; in the Bible - &quot;'''saddled his ass'''&quot;, &quot;'''opened his sack to give his ass'''&quot;, &quot;'''the lion had not eaten the carcase, nor torn the ass'''&quot;, &quot;'''riding upon his ass'''&quot;? ''[chuckles]'' Oh, I'm going to Hell.

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:'''AVGN:''' ''[playing the Genesis version of ''Bible Adventures'']'' Man, Noah has some balls to be rescuing snakes. Indiana Jones wouldn't do that. No, he thinks Noah is a snake-saving shit-sucker. Pee-wee Herman once saved snakes, but he fainted. That's right, in order of manliness, Indiana Jones, then Pee-wee, and then fucking Noah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN:''' The monkeys, I hate them. They're so fucking hard to catch! I'm gonna get ya, you stupid monkey. Yeah! Whatever it takes fuckface. You're slime... you're filth... I'm gonna rip you apart.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN:''' The graphics are dull. There's so much brown. The Ark is brown, the trees are brown. Why's everything gotta be the color of shit? It might as well be shit. Yeah! Those trees in the background are like logs of shit coming out of God's ass. It's HOLY shit.

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:'''AVGN''': Well, that's Bible Adventures, that takes care of all the Bible games on Genesis. I could end things now, but I really don't want there to ever be a Bible Games 4, so there's one little bit of unfinished business: an NES game called King of Kings. I already reviewed this as part of my first Bible Games episode. It has 3 games in it. Jesus and the Temple, which is that Mario 2 (Super Mario Bros. 2) ripoff where you're hopping across logs. Then there's The Wise Men, where you're travelling to Baby Jesus. That means it's the only Christmas game. Isn't that the whole reason I did this in December? Why did I do all these other Bible games? I guess when it comes to bad games, I go above and beyond.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN:''' ''[replaying ''Flight To Egypt'']'' Every pixel in this game is a sin. First of all, I don't get the title. &quot;''Flight to Egypt''&quot;? You're not flying, you're riding on a donkey, or an ass, if you prefer. What airline is this? &quot;Ass Express&quot;? ...And yes, I know the word &quot;Flight&quot; doesn't necessarily mean aviation, but, hey, it's a fucking joke. Your only attack is this embarrassing, dinky little kick which can't harm anything, unless it's right up in your ass. Or I should say, your ass's ass, not your ass that's sitting upon the ass.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN:''' And... that's it? Did anything else happen? Did the angel say anything? Did the sight of the angel make Joseph sick in his stomach? Did the donkey stalk them in their sleep? What happened? I assumed that I pressed the button by mistake and actually cancelled out the rest of the ending, but no, I've actually beaten the game multiple times just to try and solve this mystery and the same thing happens! It just stays on this screen until you press something, and then it returns you to the main menu. But I'm aware that the last screen is supposed to be playing text that says &quot;Give your heart to Jesus,&quot; but I'm not seeing it so I'm assuming that I'm supposed to beat all 3 games to see the true ending, and I'm not going through all that trouble, although I will give my heart to Jesus. (The Nerd physically rips out his heart and holds it out.) OH JESUS!

== Season Seven ==

=== [[w:Arnold Schwarzenegger|Schwarzenegger Games]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' I'm back. And so is [[w:Arnold Schwarzenegger|Arnold Schwarzenegger]] in [[w:The Expendables 2|The Expendables 2]] I can't wait to see that! In the 80's and 90's, nobody kicked as much ass and coined as many catchphrases as he did. And now that he's comin' back to do a little more acting, I think it's an appropriate time... to look at some NES games based on his movies. NES, a console so influential in the side-scrolling action genre. Now pair that with one of the biggest action movie stars, and... you have a match made in heaven. How could you go wrong? (nervously gives a dorky smile) Uh, I don't know. (Chuckles) Uh, Take this game for example: ''[[w:Total Recall|Total Recall]]''. I remember my first time playing it as a kid. It was a Friday night, my homework was all done, my mom took me to the video store, I rented this game, I took it home, man, I played it, and it just '''FUCKIN' ''PISSED ME OFF,''''' ''[gritted teeth]'' '''''AND RUINED MY WHOLE GODDAMN WEEKEND!'''''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': I've already talked about the ''Terminator'' games and they suffered the same fate. The first Terminator had some of the worst controls in existence. The only way to fire the gun is to crouch into this gun mode and jumping around requires extreme accuracy. The second game was a monotonous button masher where enemies take a thousand punches. And there were platforms you can't jump on, like some kind of prank!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing &quot;Last Action Hero&quot; on NES]'' It uses cutscenes with images taken from the movie, but they look like garbage. The contrast is so intense you can't even tell what you're looking at. What is this? A dead fish? A porcupine's back? Oh, it's the top of some guy's head. Damn, it looks like the NES just vomited all over your TV screen. How does it look this bad? I know this is only 8-bit, but I've seen much better. Even with ''Total Recall!'' Arnold's face on the title screen actually looks like him. Hell, even the ''E.T.'' game on Atari 2600 actually looks like E.T. On the title screen at least, but, God, ''[stutters]'' I can't talk about that game.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[after playing &quot;Conan&quot; on NES]'' Who'd wanna play it anyway? I'd rather have a Sasquatch sit its ass on my face and shoot diarrhea down my throat! I'm dead fucking serious. What a shitload of fuck. What were they thinking? ''[he drinks Rolling Rock]'' And you know what the worst part about it is? I don't think it's really supposed to be based off the ''Conan the Barbarian'' movie. Just the character. So it's not really a Schwarzenegger game, and I just wasted my fucking time.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': All right, one last game, one last chance for the Schwarzenegger NES library to redeem itself: ''[[w:Predator (film)|Predator]].'' How could this be bad? It's fucking Predator. You look at the cover and think &quot;Yeah! This game's gonna be awesome!&quot; This is a real man's game. This game will turn you into a sexual tyrannosaur. Like me. ''[puts the game in the Nintoaster as the screen shows the game that Arnold wears pink]'' Is he wearing pink? Why'd they put him in pink? Did they see the movie? He doesn't wear pink in the movie. That's not an appropriate army color. I don't know. Maybe he's in pink to stand out from the dull graphics. The graphics are as ugly and dirty as this game's mom. This game sucks so bad the enemy soldiers commit suicide. In addition to the enemy soldiers, you must also face scorpions which you can stand on and they take you for a ride. But only the green scorpions. What, you thought you could ride on a red scorpion? What are you, crazy?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': This is another one of those games where the music doesn't stop when you pause. Even worse, if you press any button while paused other than &quot;Start&quot;, you will self-destruct. This ''can'' be handy, if you find yourself stuck somewhere, due to faulty game design. Like, here. I'm stuck in the damn rocks. So, rather than working out the bugs, they decided to include a suicide button. This is dangerous, because whenever the game's paused, you have to be careful not to hit the wrong button. Don't pause it, and then, pass it to your buddy whose thumb accidentally touches the &quot;A&quot; or &quot;B&quot; button, and kills off your last life fast than you can say &quot;Oops!&quot;. Another major inconvenience is that every time you die, you have to make sure to pick &quot;Continue&quot;. If you pick &quot;Start&quot;, your game is forever lost, and you have to go all the way back to the beginning. And sooner or later, when you keep playing this long enough...you're gonna make a mistake. It doesn't help that they put the cursor ''on'' &quot;Start&quot; by default. And you can't select by pressing the D-Pad. You have to use the &quot;Select&quot; button, which is right next to the &quot;Start&quot; button, increasing your risk of fucking it up. ''That'' is some sadistic bullshit.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' This game blows ass, sucks duck cunt, fucking shit munchin' bunch of pile of... poop.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' ''[gets killed]'' '''''Fuck!''''' All right, c'mon. C'mon, c'mon c'mon. ''[he accidentally selects &quot;Start&quot; instead of &quot;Continue&quot;, and is shocked]'' Oops. ''I hit Start?'' ''I hit Start... '''I gotta go all the way back to the beginning.''''' ''[The Nerd shakes his controller and screams in rage]''  '''''AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!! FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-- SHIIIIIIIIIIT!!''''' ''[chokes himself with the controller]'' '''''FUUUUUUCK!! DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN!! AAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSS! YOUR MOTHER! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!''''' ''[drinks Rolling Rock]'' That's it. I'm seein' red. I'm gonna beat this fucker '''''right now!'''''

&lt;hr width='50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Oh, my God, I'm so fuckin' mad I could take a chainsaw to a fuckin' baby's neck right now! I could kick a baby pony! Out of my way, I'm gonna fuck you up. Fuckin' game, I'm gonna fuckin' kill it! [grunts] Your mother! Your father! Your uncle! Your uncle! ''[growls]'' Yeah! Yeah, I'm at the final boss! And-- And it's a... big Predator head that looks like Casey Jones from the ''Ninja Turtles.''
:'''The Nerd:''' C'mon, fu-fu-fu-fu-fu-fuck-- shit! ''[grunts]'' Shoot the bastard, come on! You stop shootin' that shit at me, I'm gonna fuckin' kill you! I'm gonna fuckin' kill you! See, I'm not playin' around. I'm not '''''FUCKIN' AROUND HERE!''''' ''[growls]'' '''''I'M NOT...FUCKIN' AROUND!'''''
:''[eventually defeats the first phase of the boss]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Ooh, the mask is off now. ''Now'' it's serious. Now it's fuckin'... ''[grunts]'' ...fuckin' fuck time! Oh, my God, I gotta fuckin' win before I have a heart attack!
:''[defeats the boss]''
:'''The Nerd:''' ''[shocked and happy]'' I did it! I did it, I won! I beat ''Predator!'' Oh, man. Ooh, boy. ''[exhales and reads text]'' &quot;Congratulations. You have survived.&quot; ''[deep sigh]'' Barely! ''[throws the NES controller.]''

=== [[w:Ghosts 'n Goblins|Ghosts 'n Goblins]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': Happy Halloween. And guess what I have here? I was doing an autograph signing not too long ago, and one of my fans hands me this piece of paper. It's a petition to review ''[[w:Ghosts 'n Goblins|Ghosts 'n Goblins]].'' Yeah, he went through the line and got everybody to sign it. Now, what's there to say about ''Ghosts 'n Goblins?'' Well, it's not a bad game. It's made by Capcom so how could it? But, it's one of the most difficult games in the NES library. This game is harder than fossilized triceratops turds! I'm talking Mega Man combined with Castlevania, that kind of hard. Games this ruthless and unforgiving should be illegal. And I never got a petition to review any other game. That's a true testament to the game's legacy and the internal frustration that scarred us all since childhood. I remember my first time playing it: I got it for my birthday, the same day I got my NES.
:'''Young James''': You wanna play ''Ghosts 'n Goblins?''
:'''Young April''': Yeah, I do!
:'''Young James''': Look!
:'''Young April''': I do!
:'''The Nerd''': Of course I had the ''Super Mario Bros./Duck Hunt'' combo cartridge, but the first game I attempted was ''Ghosts 'n Goblins.'' That's right, this is the first NES game I ever played. And that's one Hell of a game to start with.
:'''Young April''': Go on, shoot 'em, shoot 'em!
:'''Young James''': I don't know how!
:'''The Nerd''': Naturally, I got my ass kicked. This is what it would've looked like my first time playin' the game. I sucked balls. This new console was way different than the Atari 2600 I was accustomed to. In the 80's, these were the kind of brutal-ass games that kicked us into shape and heightened our senses. Made us into fuckin' tigers. And now, 25 years later, I'm gonna put my gaming skills to the ultimate test, and see if I can finally beat this fucker. Because, it's Halloween. There's no excuse. I can feel in the air. The time is right to play some Ghosts 'n Goblins.
:''[The Nerd inserts the game and thunder claps and lightning flashes]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': It begins with one of the most shocking intros in video game history: A couple just got done having sex in a cemetery. I'm not even kidding! What else does it look like? He's not even wearing clothes! Next thing, Satan shows up as if saying &quot;Yeah, I want to get in on some of that!&quot; and takes her away. That's the plot. Is that the greatest opening to an NES game or what?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[after getting killed by Satan]'' And now you're stuck with that shitty shield. Don't even try. You can't kill the Unicorn with the shield. It doesn't work. If someone else wants to try it, go ahead. You need the knife. So now, you gotta go ghostbusting. Kill those fucking ghosts until one of them drops a knife. Again, it's at pure random. So, expect to run the timer out a few times. And by this point, those annoying squeals the ghosts make will nearly drive you to break the fucking TV screen. ''[ghosts make squealing noises and the Nerd mimics it]'' '''''OH, SHUT UP!!!'''''
:'''The Nerd''': Finally, when you get the knife back, you can try the level again. ''[The Nerd is fighting Satan]'' C'mon, c'mon, c'mon! I'm gonna do it! ''[dies and exclaims with frustration]'' '''''FUCK!''''' ''[to the Jack O' Lantern]'' '''WHAT'RE ''YOU'' LAUGHIN' AT?!'''
:'''The Nerd''': You know that feeling you get when you ''almost'' beat the level, and you want another shot right away? You have that adrenaline going, and you want to start again immediately? Well, you can't. You gotta go wait for the fucking knife to come back. So, you'll never get two tries in a row. You know what? I'm sick of it! I've been playing this fucking game since the 80's. I gotta beat it! I need closure on this. I need to end this chapter on my life. This chapter of...not beating Ghosts 'N Goblins. ''[he barely beats two Satans as he gasps in joy]'' I did it! I beat two Satans! In my underwear!
:'''The Nerd''': Final boss: The Devil! Notice how I'm walking backwards. So, it's now in one-on-one fighting mode. Kinda like a certain other Capcom game. ''[gets hit and exclaims]'' Come on! My mother throws bigger fireballs than that.
:''[The Nerd defeats the Devil and is shocked but relieved]''
:'''The Nerd''': You know what? I don't try to be cocky or anything but... '''''who's the man?''''' I just beat one of the hardest games of all time! I bet you didn't think I could really do it, but [[w:Dawn of the Dead (1978 film)|I got this, man. '''''I GOT THIS BY THE ASS!''''']] ''[notices text on the screen]'' &quot;This room is an illusion and is a trap devisut by Satan. Go ahead dauntlessly! Make rapid progres!&quot;? ''[starts again from the beginning of the game and is horrified and speechless]''
:'''The Nerd''': You have to beat the game twice? ''[chuckles sarcastically]'' You have to beat the game twice in a row. That's just great because this time I'm ''[angrily]'' '''''TWICE AS FUCKING PISSED OFF!!''''' Beat the game twice. I'll show you twice. After all that hard work, who would want to do that shit again? It's like building a house and when you're finished, you tear it down just to build it one more time. &quot;Oh, yeah, we could've made 12 stages, but instead, let's just make six and make people have to play the game twice.&quot;
:'''The Nerd''': All right. I'm gonna get the good ending this time. It better be good, whatever it is. It better be something awesome for goin' through the game twice. All right. '''''All right!''''' ''[beats the game again]'' '''''YEAH! I did it!''''' ''[reads the ending screen]'' &quot;Contraturation. This story is happy end. Thank you. Being the wise and courageour knight that you are you feel strongth welling in your body. Return to starting point. Challenge again!&quot;?
:''[The Nerd is angrily speechless, and rage builds up inside him, and tries yelling &quot;Fuck!&quot;, but can't.]''
:'''The Nerd''':  Curse! Curse, Goddamn it! ''[grunts]'' I used up all my &quot;Fuck&quot; points during the last 107 episodes. ''[sighs]'' I don't have anything new. I gotta rely on the old tricks.
:''[The Nerd starts fighting the Ghosts 'N Goblins cartridge Final-Fantasy style]''
:'''The Nerd''': All right. Let's try the cluster F-Bombs. Fuck this fucking piece of shit fucking shit fucker game!
:''[Ghosts 'n Goblins attacks the Nerd]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[grunts]'' Uh, gotta go for the Precision F-Strike. ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, how this game lures you in with its appealing gameplay, and charming atmosphere, and then ''[angrily]'' '''BENDS YOU OVER AND ''FUCKS'' YOU TO HELL!!'''
:''[Ghosts 'n Goblins attacks with diarrhea blast]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[exclaims]'' All right, how about some Wordplay? Alliteration. Feast on some fried fuck-farts! Assonance. What's up, you dumb fuck-tuple mother-humpin' muppet-fucker's uncle?! Uh, Rhymes! Suck on this muck, you run amuck fucked-up, uh, mandarin duck.
:''[The Nerd misses and Ghosts 'n Goblins attacks with blizzard of balls]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[groans]'' Alright, when all else fails, it's time for the Atomic F-Bomb!
:''[The Nerd roars and the 8-bit word flies toward the screen]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[roars]'' '''''FUCK!!!!'''''
:''[Loud explosion kills Ghosts 'n Goblins]''

=== Atari Sports ===
:'''The Nerd''': Most of the video games I talk about are... action games, sidescrollers, games that are in the realms of fantasy. But, there's a huge, huge following for games based on sports. And I get a lot of requests for that, and I'm not really a big fan. Because, I don't know, I-I guess I like fantasy games more because it's something that you couldn't do in real life, whereas a sports game you ''could'' go outside and play sports. It's possible. Not for me, 'cause, I don't know anything about sports; I'm a fuckin' nerd.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Football; Don't even get me started. And I'm not talking about the kind of football where they actually ''use'' their foot. I mean the kind where they slam into each other, like a bunch of barbarians! ''[he pounds his fist into his hand as he grunts]'' What I don't understand is why everything is always &quot;bowl&quot;. What, like a toilet bowl? Okay, I know at least what the Super Bowl is. It's the most anticipated football game in the season. And with so much testosterone and high energy going around, why is the halftime show always some pussy pop group? '''''GET METALLICA IN THERE OR SOMETHING,''''' it doesn't make any sense!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Alright. Back to football video games. ''Madden, Madden, Madden.'' ''Madden '91! Madden '92, Madden '93, Madden '94, Madden '95, Madden '96, Madden '97, Madden '98, Madden '99, Madden 2000, Madden 2001, Madden 2002, Madden 2003--'' '''''Who the fuck is John Madden anyway?!''''' He doesn't even look like an athlete! What is it with football? Everywhere you go, football! Go there, football! Football, football, football. Like, what the fuck? Sunday Football, Monday Night Football, Thursday Night Football, Football on Thanksgiving, Football on Christmas, and out of all sports, it's the one everyone goes fuckin' ape-shit over! '''''Makes them act like fuckin' maniacs!''''' ''[screams and crushes Rolling Rock can with his head]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[sighs in relief]'' Man. I gotta calm down. All right. If I'm gonna play some sports games, I gotta start with the Atari 2600. Yeah! This is when sports games were fucking sports games. Look at these titles; Baseball, Basketball, Football, not this ''Madden'' shit.  Just plain-ass, normal, everyday, no question about it, no NFL, no year, not named after a player, not named after a coach, not named after the referee's pet goldfish, no quarterback, dime-back, [[w:Nickelback|Nickelback]], simple, ordinary, un-embellished, unmistakable, crystal clear, as frank as Frankenstein, as blunt as an atom '''''BOMB,''''' one compound word, ''it's motherfuckin', goddamn, sons-of-bitchin', fuck, fuck, fuckin' '''FOOTBALL!''''' ''[growls and slams the cartridge into Atari 2600]'' And it's one of the worst games I've ever played in my life. Are these football players, or are they stormtroopers? Are they wearing helmets, or are these microwaves on their heads? Is it Team White vs. Team Naked? Is that a crowd noise, or is it the sounds of the ocean? Is that the entire field? Yeah, it is. And it's surrounded by... water, it looks like. Yeah, it's like an island. It's Football Island. ''[chuckles]'' In other words, Hell. I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna make it... Yeah. yeah...! ''[scores a touchdown]'' '''''TOUCHDOWN!''''' ''[screams then tackles the camera]''

=== [[w:Ikari Warriors|Ikari Warriors]] ===
:'''AVGN''': Here's another game I've had a personal grudge with since I was a kid. ''[[w:Ikari Warriors|Ikari Warriors]]'' on NES. Let's pop this fucker in and I'll show you how it goes. Two guys, tugging at their crotches, march up to the title, fire their guns around at nothing, and then you pick one or two players. Well, I'm not getting anybody to play this shit with me. So, I'm going solo like usual.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': An average game of ''Ikari Warriors'' lasts about five minutes. But you're in luck, there's a code. A-B-B-A. It brings you back to life. ''[dies]'' Oop. I'm dead again. A-B-B-A. ''[dies again]'' ABBA. Get used to that, you're going to be doing that a lot. ''[dies a third time]'' A-B-B-A.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''' ''[commenting on the slow nature of the gameplay]'': It's not horrible, it's just tedious as fuck and with one player, this is gonna take all night. I need a second player.
:''[The Nerd looks over to the end of the couch, behind which is the skeleton of Kyle Justin, complete with his fedora and a guitar. He nods to the camera, then gets up and walks over to the skeleton.]''
:'''AVGN''': A-B-B-A.
:''[Kyle slowly comes back to his human life form. Once he does, he sees The Nerd and groans in disgust.]''
:'''Kyle Justin''': [groans] I guess somebody needs a favor.
:'''AVGN''': Yeah. I need your help, to beat a game.
:'''Kyle Justin''': Let me-- let me guess. A shitty game?
:'''AVGN''': Yeah, a shitty game. ''Ikari Warriors''.
:'''Kyle Justin''': Yeah, I know that game.
:'''AVGN''': Oh yeah?
:'''Kyle Justin''': Yeah, I know what you could do with that game too.
:'''AVGN''': Uh huh.
:'''Kyle Justin''': Yeah, yeah. You take the game, and you take your ass cheeks as well, and you just open them up really wide, and you grease up the game and just shove it up your ass! I'm not helping you. Besides, you never play my theme song anymore.
:'''AVGN''': Yeah, the theme song. And I thought people were getting tired of that.
:'''Kyle Justin''': You thought wrong.
:'''AVGN''': Yeah, ''[to camera]'' I know. Alright, so if we do the theme song, will you play the game with me?
:'''Kyle Justin''': Fine.
:'''AVGN''': Alright. Let's do this. Play the song. 
:''[Kyle cracks his knuckles.]''
:'''Kyle Justin''' ''(playing scales on his guitar and singing)'': Do-mi-so-mi-do...
:'''AVGN''': Play the song. ''[Kyle clears his throat]'' Play the fucking song! ''[Kyle moistens his lips while getting spittle on the Nerd, then sings the theme song as the Nerd pantomimes frustration]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Okay, ''Ikari Warriors''. You know what &quot;Ikari&quot; means?
:'''Kyle Justin''': What?
:'''AVGN''': Anger.
:'''Kyle Justin''': Do you know what &quot;Warrior&quot; means?
:'''AVGN''': &quot;Warrior&quot;? No.
:'''Kyle Justin''': Brave soldier or fighter?
:'''AVGN''': Brave soldier or fighter.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Kyle Justin''': So who is this guy? Rambo?
:'''AVGN''': Well, if that's Rambo, who's the other guy?
:'''Kyle Justin''': Arnold Schwarzenegger?
:'''AVGN''': Which movie?
:'''Kyle Justin''': ''[[w:Commando (film)|Commando]]''.
:'''AVGN''': That'd be a fucking awesome movie! John Matrix and John Rambo, together at last! Of course it'd be &quot;Rambo and Commando'&quot;. Say that three times fast.
:'''AVGN and Kyle Justin''': Rambo Commando Rambo Commando Rambo Commando!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''(Just after entering Level 2, The Nerd and Kyle come up to a point where Kyle's character has become stuck inside a rock.)''
:'''AVGN''': You're not stuck. Stop fooling around. Get outta there.
:'''Kyle Justin''': I'm trying!
:'''AVGN''':...you're really stuck. ''(Begins lobbing grenades toward the rock)''
:'''Kyle Justin''': Just kill me.
:'''AVGN''': I'm...I'm trying!
:'''Kyle Justin''': No, kill me for real.
:'''AVGN''': Wait, wait, just wait for one of these missiles to come. ''(The enemy missile hits the rock and obliterates Kyle's character.)'' Alright. We're back in business now. ''(The Nerd then sees what happens next and gets a look of shock on his face; Kyle's character still cannot move)'' Oh, shit, you respawned inside ''another'' rock!
:'''Kyle Justin''': I've had it with this fucking game! I'm gonna blow my fucking brains out! 
:''(He picks up a Zapper, puts it to his head, and pulls the trigger. He flashes on screen four times, then disappears.)''
:'''AVGN''': ''(turns to where Kyle was sitting)'' A-B-B-A!
:''(This time, Kyle comes back to life with part of his body stuck behind the couch.)''
:'''Kyle Justin''': Aw fuck!
:'''AVGN''': You're right. Having two players doesn't help much.
:'''Kyle Justin''': Get me outta this couch, you damn Nintendo dork!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Yeah, made it to Level 3. And ''finally'' it looks different! But the music's still the same. Anyway, it looks ''so'' different it's like you stepped out of the jungle and into ''[[w:The Twilight Zone (franchise)|The Twilight Zone]]''. Look at all the white chocolate bars and scrotum guns.
:'''Kyle Justin''': ''[singing]'' White chocolate bars and scrotum guns. ''[stops singing]'' Wait, I don't remember the episode with the scrotum guns, but [[w:Nightmare at 20,000 Feet|the one with the gremlin on the wing]] was pretty good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Kyle Justin''': ''[singing]'' It's the game of life.&lt;br&gt;A, B, B, A.&lt;br&gt;It will bring you back today if you want it to.
:''[The Nerd has died again and is frantically trying to punch the code in.]''
:'''AVGN''': A-B-B-A! A-B-B-A! Fuck!
:'''Kyle Justin''': ''[singing]'' It will save you today...
:'''AVGN''': It didn't save me now!
:'''Kyle Justin''': ''[singing]'' and bring you back to life...
:'''AVGN''': Apparently near the end of Level 3, A-B-B-A stops working.
:'''Kyle Justin''': ...didn't save him today...
:'''AVGN''': Okay, so here's what we're gonna do. First, we're gonna use Game Genie to get infinite lives. ''[puts the NES Game Genie with the cartridge attached into the Nintoaster]'' Then we're gonna use a stage select code; that way we can go back to Level 3 and continue our fucking game. You can find the code in the classic book ''[[w:Jeff Rovin|How to Win at Nintendo]]''. Nowcheck out this code: &quot;right before the title screen, press: up, down, A, A, B, left, right, A ,B, up, A, down, right, right, left, B, up, left, A, right, B, left, right, A, left, up, A, down, A, right, left, B, select.&quot; ''[pauses incredulously]'' '''WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!?! Why's the code have to be so fucking long?''' And according to this you have to punch in the code before the titlescreen comes up!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': (after he tries to enter the code) So, I'm faster than greased lightning now. I can pull off the whole code before the title screen comes up, but turns out the book was wrong. To ''really'' find how to do the code you check out the VHS tape, &quot;Secret Video Game Tricks, Codes, and Strategies&quot;. Yeah, I used to rent this fucker from the video store all the time. But anyway, the real way to do the code is ''during'' the title screen, not ''before'' it. Let's try again. (enters the code during the title screen)
:'''Kyle Justin''':  ''(singing)'' Up, down, A, A, B, left, right, A, B, up, A, down, right, right, left, B, up, left, A, right, B, left, right, A, left, up, A, down, A, right, left, B and start.
:'''AVGN''': So here we are, back in level 3.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Anyway, the last stage is as hard as fuck. I hate these guys that swim under water. You cant shoot them when they're submerged, and they're too fast to outrun. What are these, human beings or fucking torpedoes?
:'''Kyle Justin''': ''(singing)'' Throw milk at them, just try it, might work.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Now let's see how bad this ending sucks.
:'''Kyle Justin''': ''[singing to the tune of the AVGN theme song]''
:'''You have accomplished'''
:'''the mission.'''
:'''You are the very prevailer'''
:'''that protect right'''
:'''and justice.'''
:'''I would express my sincere.'''
:'''Thanks to you.'''
:'''Take good rest!'''
:'''General Kawasaki'''
:'''AVGN''': Get back behind the couch.
:'''Kyle Justin''': ''[still singing]'' He's the Angry Video Game Nerd.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''Kyle Justin's &quot;Scrotum Guns&quot; song, version 1''
:'''We might be past the scrotum guns&lt;br&gt;But I haven't forgot them&lt;br&gt;'Cause they are so hairless&lt;br&gt;Where did their hair go?&lt;br&gt;Ooh, where did their hair go?&lt;br&gt;Where did their hair gooo?&lt;br&gt;Where did their hair go?'''

=== [[w:Toxic Crusaders (video game)|Toxic Crusaders]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Why's there always gotta be bats?!
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': Bats, th-these aren't bats, Nerd, these are cats with wings! When-when I was a teenager at Tijuana, I-I had some pussy with wings. ''[AVGN smiles and snickers before covering his face with his hands]'' And-and-and th-that's what it's all about, man! ''[AVGN laughs offscreen]''
:'''AVGN''': Yeah. How do you like this? World 2-4, World 2-5, and we're still going. And it's a portable console! You can beat Super Mario Land at a time--
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': ''[Interrupts the Nerd]'' Wh-What are you talking about?! You want something to, uh, take a long time to beat?! Would take me a long time to beat off to Justin Beiber, man! And uh...
:'''AVGN''': ''[nods in agreement]'' Takes a long time.
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': Long! My penis is pretty damn long right now! ''[AVGN snickers offscreen]'' And I'm... I'm not even flaccid.
:'''AVGN''': Look at all the &quot;Z&quot;s on the fence. That's exactly how I feel when I play this game. ''[Lloyd Kaufman yawns as he falls asleep with the controller in his mouth]'' ...Like going to sleep. ''[AVGN glances at him and nods]'' Alright, alright, okay, okay, okay, okay!
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': ''[suddenly wakes up and hallucinates]'' Ah, where am I?! ''[whimpers as he twiddles with the SNES controller]''
:'''AVGN''': Alright.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Well, as you can see, you can tell it's another beat 'em up game. So what do you think of that chopper? Why's it have so many colors?
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': Well, uh, the chopper is made out of a tie, man. And it's tie dye. That's why it is those many colors. ''[AVGN shakes his head before he and Lloyd Kaufman struggle over the controller]'' Give me that! Give me that! I want that!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': What 'bout the music? Couldn't they have something more upbeat and action-packed? ''[volume of background music from Toxic Crusaders for Sega Gensis increases]''
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': I love it. I love it. I...It makes me want to strip, Nerd. ''[actually removes his coat along the music while AVGN quickly glances and shakes his head]'' I wanna take my clothes off.
:'''AVGN''': Okay, okay, okay!
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': Ah, I love this music.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&gt;
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': ''[having such difficulty playing]'' Fuck! Jumpin' Jesus on a... fuckin' pogo stick! Fuck! Dick! Quack! Weewee! Doodle! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuhh!
:'''AVGN''': And that's what happens when we go from the movie, to the show, to the game - it's like putting a golden egg on a mountain of shit, and then you roll it down and it gets shittier and shittier and shittier. By the time it gets to the bottom, it ain't the same. ''(to Lloyd)'' And look; that's your name on it! That's your name on this game!
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': I spit on my name! ''[makes spitting noises]''
:'''AVGN''': What you created that's great got transformed into a mutated anomaly that'd make the Pope weep. They made a mockery of your shit, man! What're you gonna do about it?!
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': What am I gonna do about it, what am I gonna do about it?! I'm gonna shit on this, I'm gonna take a huge dump, here I go, and I had baked beans for dinner! (removes the cartridge from the Nintoaster, and puts it on the floor) You want shit, you shitty fuckin' game?! Well, here it comes, here it comes! ''(drops his pants and lets loose shit as the Nerd watches in horror)'' You shitty shit game, how'd ya like that?!
:'''AVGN''': UGH, IT'S NASTY, OH, GOD, OH! ''[his stomach rumbles and he pukes on the pile of shit as Lloyd laughs insanely]''
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': Ah. That'll teach you, you fuckin' game.

=== [[w:Bill &amp; Ted's Excellent Video Game Adventure|Bill &amp; Ted's Excellent Video Game Adventure]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': What happens when you take an 80s comedy film like ''[[w:Bill &amp; Ted's Excellent Adventure|Bill &amp; Ted's Excellent Adventure]],'' and turn it into an NES game? Two guys are struggling to pass their history course, so they go back in time in a phone booth to get the aid of famous historical figures. It's dumb, but it's great entertainment, and a video game adaptation seemed like a good idea. It had fun characters, time travel, and adventure. So how could you fuck it up? You wanna know? ''[Metal rock music plays as the Nerd reveals the LJN logo.]'' ''That's'' how.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Who are these &quot;time rebels,&quot; and why do they want to do this? Well, guess what. They're never referred to again. Yeah, they're just for your imagination. ''[a thought bubble with the time rebels appear]''
:'''Blue-Haired Rebel''': Man, wouldn't it be funny if we put Thomas Edison in Ancient Egypt? ''[chuckles]''
:'''Green-Haired Rebel''': How about Galileo in the Jurassic period? ''[they both chuckle]'' We're assholes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So where is Rembrandt? You can explore this whole land, but you won't find him anywhere. That's because you need to lure him out, with bait. What is he, a fucking fish? The bait can be any random object. There's four of them hidden on each stage; one of them will make Rembrandt appear in one of the random houses. How do you find this bait? You wanna know? Guess what? By jumping into things! ''[the Nerd jumps into a tree, and falls]'' This game treats you like an idiot. Like, &quot;Hey kids, you wanna play a Bill &amp; Ted game? Well, here you go! Go jumping around into fucking bushes and fences! That'll keep you busy! Have fun!&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Fuck the townspeople, fuck not knowing where to go, I'm gonna get the power. Nintendo Power! ''[searches for a Nintendo Power magazine as he jumps and falls]'' Wasn't there. ''[jumps and falls again then finds a Nintendo Power magazine]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': The correct item is supposed to be something that would belong to this historical figure, and here is where the game could've been somewhat educational. But instead, it's a joke. For example, for Julius Caesar, you're supposed to give him salad dressing. ''[fake laugh]'' For Thomas Edison, you're supposed to give him a compact disc. Yeah. Let's not change history, by the way. For Cleopatra, a credit card. For Elvis, a gravestone. Here you go, Elvis! Here's your fucking gravestone! You're gonna die! For King Arthur, the Holy Grail. Yeah. Entire stories have been written about finding the Holy Grail; you're going to find it by casually slamming into a bush or fence. Just a little side quest. For Jesse James, an Uzi. You're going to give Jesse James a fucking Uzi? You're going to give a notorious outlaw a more contemporary weapon! Yeah, just help him out! Might as well give, I don't know, Vlad Tepes an atom bomb? Anyway, I give Rembrandt the Paint Roller, and he says, &quot;Let's party.&quot; That's exactly what he'd say. He also mentions that he'll pay for the call. &quot;Of course, here's some coins for your phone booth time machine from the future.&quot; And now, we have to go through the damn time circuits again. ''[a phone booth time machine runs into a pink skull, and The Nerd runs out of coins]'' My coins ran out. Didn't that motherfucker say he was gonna pay? ''[stage restarts]'' Aw, great! I have to roam around this fucking stage again, looking for coins? I've had enough.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': I'm losing my faith in the NES library. Was there ''any quality control here,'' you know, that-that, um, seal of quality, did that mean ''anything?!'' Did anyone look at these games before they dumped them in the back of every KB's and Toys &quot;Я&quot; Us?! How many of these games are worthless?! '''''All the LJN ones, I can tell you that,''''' but there ''are'' good games here, ''there are!'' ''Zelda,'' ''Mario,'' ''Metroid,'' ''Contra,'' ''Castlevania,'' ''Mega Man,'' '''''but then, A BIG FUCKIN' SHITSTORM HIT IT! A SHITSTORM OF HORRIBLE GAMES! And at the middle of it all, a rainbow! A rainbow of shit! LJN! And Bill and Ted...might even be...THE WORST LJN GAME ON THE NES!''''' It doesn't just have some &quot;flaws,&quot; there's no good and bad. This game is ''all bad.'' Like, I'm impressed! How did they do it? How did they make it so bad? Bad doesn't even describe it! It's disgraceful! It's ''putrid!'' In fact, I even looked up the word &quot;putrid&quot; in the dictionary. There's no definition. '''It's just a picture of ''Bill and Ted'' on NES!''' Curse this fucking game! Curse the plastic that encases this dung heap! Literally, it's a plastic shell '''''filled with shit! IT'S FUCKIN' SHIT!''''' ''It's... it's ass, it's garbage...'' And that's it, good night.
:''[walks off screen for 2 seconds, before coming back]''
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, wait, I forgot to mention as a matter of fact, it also sucks monkey fuck, and it's a worthless pitiful pile of ''snot-dripping, pus-bubbling, '''wet, steaming mountain of buffalo butt dump,''''' and mere descriptions can't even describe the '''''inane lack of common sense''''' that even a ''child'' would possess when making a game with chalk on a sidewalk. I can't even come up with a description that's foul and '''''disgusting''''' enough to even come ''close'' to this rancid abomination. Can't describe it. I'm done; For real this time.
:''[walks offscreen for 7 seconds, and returns]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[yells]'' '''''THIS GAME IS DIARRHEA COMING OUT OF AN OLD WOMAN'S BLEEDING VAGINA! IT'S FUCKIN' TERRIBLE! WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!''''' ''[angrily]'' I know; They ''weren't'' thinking.

=== [[w:Tiger Electronics|Tiger Electronic Games]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': Tiger, on the other hand, continued well into the 90s. In fact, I remember these things being more common in the 90s than ever. They kept pouring obsolete games into stores, and we were still buying them. They wouldn't die off! They were like cockroaches! By giving people a cheap alternative, they managed to coexist with the Game Boy. Yeah, this Tiger definitely rose up to the challenge of its rival, had the guts, got the glory, went the distance, now it's not going to stop! It's literally a Survivor!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Tiger games were so outdated they were never ''in''-dated! They were a fad, like Pogs! If they were an experiment in the 70's and they only made a few of them, then I could accept that. But no, they milked these things for all that they're worth! You thought LJN was the grand champion, the almighty shitty game factory? Tiger put LJN to shame! Sure, LJN laid down turd after turd after turd, but Tiger was like a machine gun ass shitting out turdturdturdturdturdturdturdturdturdturdturd! These are the worst games I've had the honor of playing, if you can even count them as video games! People have discussions like &quot;Are video games art?&quot; or something like that. Well, I have a better one: are Tiger games video games? These are a caveman's version of video games! These were a step back in human evolution! These are the most desperate attempt at entertainment! You could save up for a Game Boy, or just go ''[mimics playing a game with the sound effects]''. Yeah, well ''[mimics game sounds to motions of jerking off and flipping the bird]''! Just what the hell? How did they waste so much plastic to make these things?! It brought the game industry down as low as it could go! It's proof that Jesus died in vain and legally changed his middle name to Fucking! The only thing I could think of to use these things for is to wipe your ass with it! You might as well save that toilet paper! It's worth a whole lot more! ''[he drinks Rolling Rock]'' But I'm not done, am I? Oh, no. I've actually gotten into this point. It's time to talk about the wrist games. ''[he holds up a Tiger wrist game and groans disgustedly]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Now check this out: Batman Returns, the wrist game. Oh, boy... (The Nerd tries to open it) Wait, I can't get it open. Good. God, I hate this shit! You know... You know what's bullshit?
:''[The Bullshit Man appears as &quot;You Know What's Bullshit&quot; theme song plays and the Nerd looks in shock]''
:'''The Bullshit Man:''' '''YOU KNOW WHAT'S''' '''''BUUUUUUUUULLSHIT?!''''' ''[gives the Nerd a pair of scissors]'' Packaging that you need scissors to open! Even with the scissors, it's still a pain in the ass. Why's this plastic so fucking strong? This stuff is bulletproof. Nobody wants this shit, so why do they do it? They use it on everything! This kind of packaging should be outlawed! Why does it still exist? I especially &quot;love&quot; when you buy scissors and you need scissors to open the scissors. What fucking idiots think this is a good idea? They don't care. By the time you're having this problem, you already bought it. Packaging like this is bullshit. ''[leaves]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Thanks, Bullshit Man. ''[looks at the Tiger wrist game and sighs]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing the Batman Returns wrist game]'' Wow, look at how badass this game is. Yeah, this is the hot shit right here. You'd be so cool going around wearing this thing. Yeah, you'd be walking around school with this thing on, and everybody else is talking about what the new hot video game system is going to be. ''[scoffs]'' Nintendo 64? The Bit Wars? ''[chuckles]'' 64 bits. 32 bits. 16 bits. 8 bits. 4 bits! 2 bits! 1 BIT! HALF-BIT! QUARTER-BIT! ''[shouts hysterically]'' '''THE WRIST GAME!!!''' And you thought that was it for Tiger, huh? Handheld games, wrist games, Tiger ''(computerized voice)'' Pokémon Walkie Talkies?! Yeah! That's not enough? Well, how about '''a whole fucking Tiger game console?!''' In 1997, this was Tiger's belated answer to the Game Boy. You'd think it was called the Game-Dot-Com, but it's actually the Game.com.
:'''Game.com bootup voice''': GAME.COM ACTIVE.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': So, that's the Game.com. Needless to say, it flopped, especially with Nintendo dominating the portable gaming market. So, hey, why not just follow whatever Nintendo's doing? That mentality is what brought us what I think, so far, is the worst video game console I have ever played: the R-Zone. This is basically a shitty version of the Virtual Boy. Yes, I said that, as if the Virtual Boy wasn't shitty enough. Just look at it! What planet did this thing come from?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Just when you thought the most sorry, pathetic excuse for a video game was the Tiger wrist games, oh no. ''[points to wrist game]'' Imagine playing one of these, up close to your eye in red-and-black. ''[shot of the gameplay from the R-Zone's ''[[w:Batman Forever|Batman Forever]]'' game]'' '''GOOD LORD!''' You thought I was kidding. But it's true. This actually happened. Unlike the Virtual Boy, which causes eyestrain and headaches within minutes, this thing does it immediately!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I love how the advertisements always show a kid playing it. Look at his expression. He's horrified, and in the commercial, the kid's screaming in agony!
:'''Rodger Parsons (Pokémon Narrator):''' You better not blink.
:'''Kid''': ''[screams]''
:'''Rodger Parsons (Pokémon Narrator):''' Indy 500 roars into the R-Zone!

=== [[w:Alien 3|Alien 3]] ===

:'''AVGN''': It's the Halloween season again, and I can't miss the occasion to celebrate by torturing myself with another assanine game! Alien³ on NES, based on the movie. The first movie, Alien, was like a slasher film set in outer space; the second movie, Aliens, brought the action genre into the mix and gave it a wider mass appeal. It made a huge impact on not only film, but video games. The concept of shooting down hostile aliens, fighting for survival, was perfect for video game adaptations. It's no wonder why so many games like Contra and Metroid were influenced by the Alien movies' art style and their feelings of solitude, confinement and claustrophobia. Can you even count how many games blatantly ripped these movies off? The first two Alien movies were masterpieces, but the one we got on NES was the bastard sequel, the unholy 3 that had mixed reactions: some people like it, some people don't. It's not a terrible movie, but it's not great either. But, you know, I'm not gonna get all into right now. Monster Madness. So let's take a look at the game. Is this good enough for Halloween? I mean Alien³ is a horror movie. Is this scary enough? (He notices the LJN logo on the cartridge. The lights dim to a flickering red as the film's signature Nostromo self-destruct sirens blare.) Okay, now it just got fuckin' scary!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Quality ass? QUALITY ASS? That sums up the whole thing. There is no quality assurance with this shitload of fuck. This game is as much fun as a witch's cunt. It's a shame that there was never a good Alien game on NES. Oh, wait. Actually, I take it back. There were some good Alien games on NES. They're called Contra and Metroid! Yeah. You know, it's not the worst LJN game, I have to say, nor is it even that bad of an NES game. It's playable, as much as the movie is watchable. Huh. Maybe that's what they were going for. In that sense, they got it right. It may not be a pile of goat puke-smothered buffalo diarrhea, it's just a pile of goat puke; hold the buffalo diarrhea. I don't even know if buffaloes get diarrhea. But it pains me to know that there's still more LJN games out there, and I just can't take it. I can't fuckin' take it anymore! (He leaves. Cut to the ending scene where he jumps off the platform and falls into the lava pits below. He cries out in agony as the Cinemassacre logo bursts through his chest.)

=== AVGN Games ===
:'''The Nerd:''' You know, there's been many games based on the ''Angry Video Game Nerd.'' Which is me. Yeah. All these years, while I've been busy playing shitty games, people have been making games about myself. There's been so many games about me, I can't even keep up. Unlike the majority of games I've ripped apart, these ones were made by independent game developers, usually single-handedly, all by themselves, and hopefully they will have growing careers and aspire to make better games than a whole company of Laughin' Jokin' Numbnuts ever could. ''[referring to LJN.]'' Another thing that makes these games different from the games I usually play, is that I have to play them on a computer. ''[The Nerd looks at the Commodore 64.]'' Hmm. ''[shrugs his shoulders.]'' Well, anyway, the first AVGN game I'm gonna look at is: ''The Angry Video Game'' by Eric Ruth. This was the first AVGN game that ever came to my attention back in 2008. You might be wondering: what took me so long to get around to it? Well, the answer is simple: That's how long it took to load it on my Commodore 64!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''8-Bit Nerd:''' ''[a tombstone appears where the 8-Bit Nerd died, with only the word '''&quot;FUCK&quot;''' on it.]'' I'm dead! Fuck!
:'''The Nerd:''' Is that going to be my epitaph? ''[camera zooms in on tombstone]'' '''''&quot;FUCK&quot;?''''' 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' The weapon is the worst thing of all. The beers fly in an arc, so, you have to get in the right spot to calculate the trajectory, and everything blocks your aim. Fuck, fuck! I can't hit this fuckin' fish! '''''Fuck! Dah!''''' These beers are like the rock in ''Friday the 13th,'' and I already told you how bad that is. ''[his eyes widen in horror, as he looks at the screen]'' Oh, no. Is that why the game was designed this way? All the random enemies and all those things, it's because those are the kind of things I complained about. '''''This game is all my fault.''''' ''[groans in disgust]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' It takes a lot of extra effort to put a game on a real cartridge, so how could you resist ''AVGN vs. Dr. Wily'' by ABOhiccups? 
:''[the screen scrolls up along a skyscraper, exactly the same as in Mega Man 2's opening.]''
:'''The Nerd''': It's gonna be me, isn't it? It's gonna be me. ''[a sprite of The Nerd is on the top of the skyscraper, instead of Mega Man.]'' Yeah, that's me!
:'''The Nerd''': So basically, it's ''Mega Man 2,'' but instead of Mega Man, it's me. I'm in ''Mega Man 2,'' one of the best games ever made, and I'm ''in'' it! If I could've foreseen that as a kid, I would have shit my pants. The other difference is that the levels are redesigned to be way harder than the original game.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': After the tutorial, you get a selection of stages. Clearly, it's the largest AVGN game yet. I'm using an Xbox controller, and the controls feel 100% fluent. There is no doubt about it: this is a legitimate sidescroller; proving that the genre is still alive and strong. We don't even need to go back to the past, we're still in the past. And why is the music so ''fuckin' awesome?''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': The death screen always generates a random quote, saves me the work of trying to come up with something. Let's try ''Dungeons &amp; Dickholes.'' ''[in-game Nerd descends a ladder, and the next screen scrolls down to reveal an impossible death trap, shocking The Nerd]'' '''''Now''''' this is going too far. When I came up with this idea during my Super Pitfall episode, I didn't know somebody would actually create this exaggerated death trap. I can't even blame anyone but myself. ''I'' came up with this! What was I ''thinking?!''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': And at the heart of it all, the final boss, my arch-nemesis. It's, '''''it's'''''...Fred Fuchs. ''[spelled &quot;Fred Fucks&quot; in-game.]'' It's the programmer, motherfucking Fred Fuchs. Finally, I get to kick his ass! Yeah, fuck you, Fred Fuchs! ''[growls]'' '''''FUCKS YOU, FRED FUCH!''''' ''[screams, and beats Fred Fuchs as he grunts]'' Got 'im! ''[in-game Nerd's text says, &quot;Oh shit, Game Land is falling apart!!&quot;]''
:'''The Nerd''': Whew! I feel like I played every bad game I ever played, all at once. And now others are playing it, because of me! It's like I shared all my horrible experiences. It's all my fault! '''''FUCK THIS GAME!'''''
:''[he Nerd imagines the many ways he's destroyed previous game cartridges. He moves in to strangle the Commodore 64, but stops once he realizes he can't destroy the game like that. Instead, the Nerd types a delete command and deletes the game once and for all, with a heavy, satisfying mash of the Enter key as the Commodore's screen reads: '''*FILE DELETED*.''']''
:'''The Nerd''': Take '''''that,''''' game.

=== AVGN Wish List (Part 1) ===

:'''AVGN''': ''(on Where's Waldo)'' It's as if the pages of the book have been chewed up, digested, and shat out an 8-bit ass! How can you find Waldo in ''this?!'' WHERE THE FUCK ''IS'' WALDO?! ''He'' doesn't even know where he is!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%:&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(after he plays the NES version of Where's Waldo)'' Imagine buying this piece of shit for 50 bucks. Nowadays, releasing a game this short would never be excusable. Well, anyway, we have a lot more games to get through, so stay tuned for Part 2. I'm gonna go get the games. ''[he walks around in different directions like Waldo in the cutscenes]''

=== AVGN Wish List (Part 2) ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''The Three Stooges.'' This has always been a huge request. I've dreaded this moment for a long time. ''[powers on the game, which displays the title screen for Ghostbusters II]'' What? ''Ghostbusters II?''
:''[The Three Stooges walk onto the title screen, and stop in front of the Ghostbusters logo]''
:'''Curly''': Hey, fellas. We're in the wrong game.
:'''Larry''': Hey, this looks like a kid's game.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[smiling]'' Now, ''that's'' funny.
:'''Moe''': You imbeciles!
:'''The Nerd''': I've always been a big fan of ''The Three Stooges,'' but the game's charm ends right after the title screen.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': [reviews ''[[w:Home Improvement: Power Tool Pursuit!|Home Improvement]]''] How do you take a family sitcom and turn it into a video game? Well, the plot starts out with Tim &quot;The Toolman&quot; Taylor on the set of his show, Tool Time. Remember the show within the show? So, his tools go missing, and he has to go onto the sets of other shows to find them.
:'''The Nerd''': I'd give this game a better chance if I could read the instructions. The instructions might help, right? Yeah, guess what, there is none. Technically not. The manual opens up to a fake sticker printed over the pages that says &quot;'''REAL MEN DON'T NEED INSTRUCTIONS'''&quot;! Very funny.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing [[w:Pit-Fighter|Pit Fighter]] on SNES]'' As a kid, I never made it past the second guy. Even as a rental, it only made for about fifteen minutes of play-ability, if that, before ya turn it off and take it back to the video store. And I know it ''has'' to give you your health back at some point, but I've just made it to the fourth opponent, and still, they don't give you any health back. ''This is the worst Super NES game I've ever played!'' Worse than [[w:Super 3D Noah's Ark|Super Noah's Ark 3D]], worse than [[w:Shaq-Fu|Shaq-Fu]], worse than [[w:The Wizard of Oz (1993 video game)|Wizard of Oz]], worse than [[w:Lester the Unlikely|Lester the Unlikely]]! I am dead fucking serious! Even B-mode [[w:Double Dragon|Double Dragon]] was better than this, and that was on NES. Sure, it gets monotonous, and awkward at times, and you can only play as the same characters fighting themselves, but, it has much more fluid control and is ''way'' more fun than Pit Fighter.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[after he plays [[w:Bubsy 3D|Bubsy 3D: Furbitten Planet]] for the PlayStation]'' Most of the games I own are junk. I'm hoarding junk! '''''I SURROUNDED MYSELF WITH FUCKING GARBAGE!''''' ''[sighs]'' All right, one more game, and then it's Happy Holidays and good fucking night. Let's end with ''[[w:Spider-Man and Venom: Maximum Carnage|Spider-Man: Maximum Carnage]],'' on Super Nintendo. Everyone says I should play this one, as if I haven't already played ''enough'' Spider-Man games. They're all '''''terrible!''''' But, maybe this one's okay. After all, I'm not sure how I missed it, because it's one of the only Super NES games that's red. Anyway, let's give it a try.
:'''The Nerd''': Well, the comic book cutscenes are, quite nice. The gameplay? Well, it's a beat-em-up game. Monotonous, but fun. The controls are responsive, and the hit detection works fine. The sound effects are good, the punches and grunts you hear all lend themselves to the fun, stress-relieving nature of these kind of games. It just feels good when you hit things. You can climb up on buildings, which offers some variety and breaks up the monotony. It can be a little frustrating, but not too bad. And the music is upbeat and energizing.
:'''The Nerd''': And what do I hear? ''[&quot;The Mob Rules&quot; by Black Sabbath plays]'' It's ''The Mob Rules,'' by Black Sabbath! I don't mean it just sounds similar, it's the '''''same song,''''' just a 16-bit rendition. It even does the solo! ''[16-bit rendition of Black Sabbath's &quot;The Mob Rules&quot; solo playing]'' I think it was just a rip-off, and that they never got Black Sabbath's permission, but it's still welcome to hear and adds to this games' enjoy-ability.
:'''The Nerd''': That's right. I found a good Spider-Man game. Better late than never. It's no masterpiece or anything like that, but it would have definitely been worth a rental at the very least. Who made this game?
:''[The Nerd turns over the box, revealing that is was published by...'''LJN!''' The Nerd's eyes widen in shock, and he drops the box in happiness realizing that LJN pulled through and published a decent game for once!]''
:''[&quot;White Storm Dam&quot; plays]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[in shock and happiness]'' My God. Oh, my God. '''''THEY DID IT... THEY PULLED THROUGH!'' OH, MY ''GOD!'' THEY MADE A GAME... ''THAT'S NOT A STEAMING PILE OF FUCKIN' SHIT!'' OH, MY ''GOD!'' THEY DID IT! THEY MADE A GAME THAT'S NOT SHIT!''' I found a gold, at the end of the rainbow-- Oh, maybe it's not gold, maybe it's bronze or somethin', but... '''''THEY MADE A GAME THAT'S NOT SHIT! IT'S NOOOT SHIIIIIT!'''''

== Season Eight ==
=== [[w:Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing|Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing]] ===
:'''AVGN''': This time, we're not gonna go too far back into the past. Only to 2003 with a PC game called ''[[w:Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing|Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing]]''. I usually stick to consoles, and I ''don't'' usually do games from the current millennium, but this is a huge request. I've been told countless times that it's one of the worst, if not ''the worst game'' ever made, but I'm sure that's an exaggeration. It just looks like a generic mediocre racing game with trucks. And it's from the new millennium, well after the pioneering days of gaming, after the ETs and Jekyll and Hydes, after the advent of quality control, so how bad could it be? Let's find out. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''[upon first experiencing the games lack of collision detection and physics]'' Soooo...what are the complaints here? This is ''awesome!''
:'''AVGN:''' &quot;Big Rigs: Over The Road Racing&quot;. &quot;Over the road&quot; is right! It's my way or the highway, and the highway ain't got shit. Oh my god...

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I'm not trying to find glitches! It just so happens that the ''whole game'' is a glitch! Look at this picture here; the hill turned into nothing, the tail lights are flying off the truck and this bridge is hovering over thin air! The support beams are ''so'' close to touching the ground, but don't. ''(His truck is pushed up through a bridge and he sees his opponent standing still)'' The fuck was that? Oh, by the way, that's the computer opponent who's still at the start line. Never moved. I'm literally running circles around him. Y'know, I kinda forgot I was in a race here. That ''is'' the purpose of the game. It doesn't matter which stage you're playing. The opponent always stalls at the start line and never moves an inch. You can spend the whole time driving through buildings, over mountains, and under bridges, and still win the race. What kind of challenge is that? Have you ever heard of a video game where you can't lose? How did the programmers ''forget to make the trucks move?'' Let's see if I can merge the trucks into one. (He tries to line his truck up with the opponent) Here we go. Eh, eh... ''(He succeeds)'' Yeah! That's some fine work. ''(He drives off and makes a whoosh sound)'' 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': This is the most unstable game I've ever played in my life. And would you believe, that the copy I own is ''a more recent'' version of the game? Yeah. The version that most people have played is commonly found on the internet, and is even ''less'' functional! In this version, one of the stages doesn't even work. If you try to pick this stage, it crashes the whole game. Not that it's any loss. It looks the same as any other stage. The truck you're racing against doesn't do anything different. It still sits there, waits for you to lap it and cross the finish line. Here we go. ''(He crosses the finish line, and the game text reads: &quot;YOU'RE WINNER!&quot; He looks at it in shock and snorts, and begins snickering.)'' Oh, no. No. ''(laughing uneasily)'' Oh, no! No! ''(continues laughing)'' &quot;You're Winner&quot; is the kind of stuff that turns horrible games into legend. It's the cherry on top the diarrhea shake. It's already been a popular internet meme for many years, but in the packaged version of the game that I own, it's been corrected to &quot;You win.&quot; Disappointing, I know.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': But there's at least one other version of this game, a newer one - version 3 as far as my knowledge goes - but anyway this one has a major advancement. ''Really'' big. Check this out; the other truck moves. Wow. No fuck. It's like we're actually having a race here. I'm gonna let him win just to see what happens. I hope it says &quot;You're a lose&quot; or something like that. Here we go. ''[Crosses the finish line, &quot;You win&quot; screen pops up. The Nerd looks in confusion]'' What happened?! How did I win?! Apparently, the other truck driver just decided to stop a little short. In other words; you can't lose! Why did they bother to release a new version if they didn't even fix the most basic thing?! But hey, the truck moves! So maybe this improvement pushes the game into the... pre-alpha stage. At best!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': These monumental blunders distract from all the regular flaws which would already be enough to fill any shitty game; most of the stages look similar, there's little variety, there are no sound effects other than the engine of the truck, the tail lights are fixated on the back of the trailer doors and they look like someone made them in Photoshop with a basic brush tool! Want me to prove it? ''[Creates tail lights exactly like the ones in Big Rigs in Photoshop]'' There you go. The street is always breaking up like the Glitch Gremlin paved over it, certain light posts are given strange colours that stick out from the rest of the game, the [[w:Arc de Triomphe|Arc de Triomphe]] appears twice in a row in a geographically inaccurate area, the trucks are referred to as &quot;cars&quot;, the &quot;Ultranav&quot; points you get from crossing checkpoints don't always go in order - what the fuck is &quot;Ultranav&quot; anyway? The timer goes outside the box and on top of all that the box that the game comes in is a '''complete lie'''! Never do the police chase after you. Maybe if that was just the front artwork, that would be excusable, but the back says, &quot;You'll be hauling loads and trying to stay one step ahead of the law.&quot; &quot;Deliver your load to its destination.&quot;

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:'''AVGN''': What are they talking about? That never happens! Oh, no, no, I stand corrected. This game &quot;delivers a load&quot; all right - '''load of fucking shit'''! I'll deliver a load '''all over this fucking game'''! It's not even a game. It doesn't count as a game. If it were a game, you could lose. But you can't! It's nothing but win! &quot;You're winner!&quot; It's like the game feels sorry for you! [He drinks Rolling Rock]

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:'''AVGN''': This is not even ''close'' to a finished game - if you can call it a game. It's the '''worst game ever made'''! And I've played a lot, what is this, episode 118? So that is a big statement, but I'm '''DEAD FUCKING SERIOUS'''. It isn't as frustrating as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, no no, it's not as bad of an experience as that, but in terms of functionality, this is an all time low.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': You can't release something that's not finished! Who looked at this? I mean, who looked at THIS and thought, &quot;Yeah, that's OK. Put that out.&quot;? There's credits, which suggest that actual human beings were behind this. More than one. What were they thinking? Why would anyone want their name on this thing, and did any single one of them look at this and think &quot;Maybe there's still some work left to do?&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': By the year 2003, wouldn't there have been some kind of quality control? Even the worst games from the 70's had some playability. I would have assumed that Big Rigs was just some test game. Some kind of demo that a college student made, not an actual game that got sold in stores. It-it couldn't have been sold in stores. But, apparently, it did. This is the box. It came in a box! And it was rated by the ESRB! Someone from the ESRB looked at this game and gave it a rating! I know it's not their job to judge the quality of the game, but somebody looked at this and thought &quot;Wow. This is '''shit'''. But, E.&quot; Imagine buying this game, thinking it's gonna be a cool racing game, then you bring it home and play it and you get this. It's like a cruel prank. They should've recalled this game and gave out refunds. Imagine advertising this sort of thing. Imagine putting a commercial on TV for this shitload of fuck. I wonder what it would've been like. Hmm. (He imagines a TV commercial for &quot;Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing.&quot;)

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Mock advertisement, featuring gameplay footage, over the top production and a heavily tattooed James Rolfe wearing sunglasses, acting as a trucker]''
:'''Trucker''': Hey, kids! Strap yourself in for some action packed racing!
:'''Voice over''': It's Big Rigs!
:'''Trucker''': Eighteen wheels of thunder, and we've got '''trucks'''! Yeah... trucks!
:'''Voice over''': Big Rigs!
:'''Trucker''': Off-road traction! More power for non-stop driving action!
:'''Voice over''': Big Rigs!
:'''Trucker''': Over the Road Racing! Under the road, over the road, who knows?
:'''Voice over''': Big Rigs!
:'''Trucker''': Never lose a race again, You're always winner!
:'''Voice over''': With '''Big Rigs'''!
:'''Trucker''': Engines equipped with quantum phasing molecular mechanics to pass through solid objects so as to not interrupt the racing experience! '''Nothing''' stands in your way!
:'''Voice over''': When you're '''Big Rigs'''!
:'''Trucker''': Rear spinning tires with warp-drive velocity for interdimensional exploring! Leave the game behind and exceed the boundaries of existence!
:'''Voice over''': '''Big motherFUCKin' Riiiiiiggs'''!
:'''Trucker''': Drivin' around in fuckin' trucks!
:'''Voice over''': '''BIIIIIIIIG MOOTHHHERRRRRFUCCCCKIN' RIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGS'''!!! Big Rigs.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Well, there's one last thing left to find out. How fast can you go in reverse? Let's push the limits. (He drives in reverse, gaining speed quickly) The truck's fucking the ground. (The Nerd feels like he's traveling the speed of light, and the truck's engine noise becomes high pitched. He covers his ears) That noise! That noise, how high can it go?! [[Spaceballs|Light speed! Ludicrous speed! We've gone to plaid.]] (Screams wildly) '''''I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! WE GOTTA STOP!''''' (Releases the reverse key as the chair flies back, crashes into the video room) Oh, shit, oh, shit, oh, shit!

=== [[w:Penn &amp; Teller's Smoke and Mirrors|Desert Bus]] ===

:'''The Nerd''': The manual (and yes, there is a manual) says &quot;No, it's not an oversight. Does your life have a pause control?&quot;
:''[The Nerd chuckles weakly, groans angrily and is about to drink a Rolling Rock, but puts it aside]''
:'''The Nerd''': I'm drivin'. ''(hangs an air freshener on the camera)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[using a clamp to hold down the A button, just like in The Terminator (NES) episode]'' How do you like ''that'' trick, Penn &amp; Teller? If you can't beat the game, let the game beat itself.
:''[The Nerd walks away, and the bus is still driving, gradually veering off the right side of the road. The Nerd returns and sees what is going on]''
:'''The Nerd''': What, what? The fuck?! ''[grunts and tries to continue driving the bus, but is unable to]'' It's stuck! The bus is stuck in the sand. ''[The Nerd looks at the screen at in disbelief and takes a deep sigh.]'' They made the bus veer to the right on purpose. ''[groans]'' They thought of everything. God damn you, Penn and Teller! 

=== [[w:E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (video game)|E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''E.T.'' on Atari 2600. To begin with, it's not a game you just pick up and play. Most games this generation were very simple. Shoot a bunch of aliens, climb to the top of the screen, stop missiles or chomp down all the pellets, but E.T. is an enigma. With all these random symbols appearing at the top of the screen and falling in holes all the time, it's no wonder why gamers did not understand how to play this game. You have to read the instruction manual. So, once you understand how to play the game... '''IT ''STILL'' FUCKIN' SUCKS!'''

=== [[w:Beetlejuice (video game)|Beetlejuice]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': You know, what I'd rather do is trap a bunch of beetles in a jar, smush 'em with a lemon squeezer, and drain their juice into a shot glass. And no, I didn't say anything about drinking it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': I think the game has more to do with the star than the movie; I mean the star in the sky, the real Betelgeuse. It's a red super-giant that's going to explode one day. Does that not accurately describe the feeling you get from playing this piece of shit? This particular star is always pulsating; it's so inconsistent that it's sometimes called the ninth brightest star in the sky, but usually the tenth. These fluctuations in inconsistencies are exactly what they were going for with the unpredictable nature of this game. When you're flying all over the place like a spring-loaded turd in a pinball machine, that's just like the star itself, how it's been speculated to have changed course at one time or another, possibly because a nearby stellar explosion, or in this case, a fuckin' bug. I mean, here we have a game where what exists outside the edge in the screen could take effect or not; the absence of visibility will result in death, whereas the existence of something harmful but not visible will still be in effect! Is it any coincidence that a game with no definable boundaries would have such a distinct relation to a star with optical emissions that vary, making it hard to define the photosphere? Or what about how the star is surrounded by a circumstellar envelope made up of matter that's been ejected from the star, kinda like a mass of bees coming out of a beehive, and making an outer field around the hive? Betelgeuse is part of the constellation of Orion. That's what the ancient Greeks viewed it as but of course today we all know that's actually a skeleton shooting a fireball. Why would Betelgeuse be on the shoulder? Well, quite simply, anyone who's played this game as a kid has a chip on their shoulder whenever you bring up the name! And at last the game was released in May. That's the same month when Betelgeuse can be seen over the western horizon after sunset for only a brief period of time. Likewise, it was Western US gamers who played this right after sunset when their homework was done, and it was only for a brief period before they threw it to the ground, beneath the horizon. So yes, I'm convinced the game was based on the star, and not the movie... or you could just say they fucked it up, and took too much liberty with the source material. 

== The Twelve Days of Shitsmas ==

=== 1. [[w:Colorful Dragon|Tagin' Dragon]] ===
:'''AVGN''': Well, it's Christmas time, again, already, and that means... more shitty games for me. And I have a pretty big pile here, thanks to all you. All requests, a despicable dozen, and we are going to savor these juicy turds one day at a time. Because this is the 8th Christmas since I first started doing these Christmas specials, so we're going to do something a little different, a little excessive. 12 Days...of Shitsmas.

=== 2. [[w:ALF (video game)|ALF]] ===
:'''AVGN''': [After he opens a present] Oh no, it's ''[[w:ALF (video game)|ALF]]'' on the Sega Master System. Of course, it's based on the TV sitcom from the '80s. I used to love that show, just for the fact that the star character was a puppet. Ah yes, the loveable Alien Life Form &quot;ALF&quot; or Gordon Shumway who crash lands on Earth and lives with the Tanner family, not the Tanners from Full House. The goal is to collect special items to get his spaceship working so he can leave Earth and go home, along the way, having to avoid FBI agents who are out to get him. This is all strangely reminiscent of E.T. on Atari 2600. (Zoom in on an FBI agent) These guys are creepy, they look like pedophiles, perverts, child molesters. The way they're dressed in stereotypical trenchcoats and grabbing at the air, as if saying &quot;Come on ALF, I got some candy. I don't wanna hurt you, I just wanna... grope your little alien ass.&quot; (The FBI agent follows ALF into the kitchen) GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN YOU FUCKING SICKO!

=== 3. CrazyBus ===

:'''AVGN''': There's no goal unless you can see how high you can rack up the score. In other words, how long can you hold the D-Pad for! You like that game? You don't even need the game, just the controller and a timer! It would be more fun to stare at the wall! I have a whole new appreciation for Desert Bus! Big Rigs is more exciting than this shit! This broke the shit scale. This is a whole new higher level. First there's poop, then there's shit and then there's...DEFACATION!!

=== 4. [[w:The Ren &amp; Stimpy Show: Fire Dogs|Ren and Stimpy: Fire Dogs]] ===

=== 5. [[w:The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle and Friends (video game)|Rocky and Bullwinkle]] ===
:'''AVGN''': '''''EAT THIS, BITCH! YOU DON'T WANNA FUCK WITH A MOOSE THROWING BOMBS!'''''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Well there you have it, Rocky and Bullwinkle. Shitty game, shitty graphics, shitty music, shitty everything! Fucking big, clumsy moose! Bullwinkle, (Does a Bullwinkle impression) I'm Bullwinkle! '''MORE LIKE BULL FUCKING SHIT!'''

=== 6. [[w:List of Mary-Kate and Ashley video games|Mary-Kate and Ashley: Get A Clue]] ===

=== 7. [[w:V.I.P. (TV series)|V.I.P with Pamela Anderson]] ===
:'''AVGN''': This is a scumbag's idea of a game. &quot;Let's get some slutty girls and give 'em guns, huh huh!&quot;

=== 8. [[w:Lethal Weapon (video game)|Lethal Weapon]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Let me give you some advice. Never play a movie based game. You know why? Okay, okay. They FUCK you with the movie games! They FUCK you, they FUCK you! They know that you're going to buy the game and by the time you play the game and realize that you got fucked, it's too late. They don't care! And after fucking you, they fuck you some more. Who got fucked? The ones who bought the game. The ones who rented it were the lucky ones. They fuck you with the graphics, fuck you with the music, fuck you with the gameplay, they FUCK you, they FUCK you, they FUCK you! Walk off screen to select the character. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard of. That would be if I just walked off screen right now and somebody else came in.
:''[AVGN leaves the room and Mike Matei comes in the room to take his place]''
:'''Mike Matei''': I'm getting too old for this shit. ''[starts playing]''

=== 9. [[w:Porky's|Porky's]] ===

:'''AVGN''': What an experience Pee-Wee had. Can you imagine the story he has to tell? &quot;I was walking down the street. Narrowly avoiding a speedboat, a submarine on wheels, a parade of naked Dr. Seuss characters, a rabbit pig and dudes in cars. I fell down into a pond where I swung around on a pole and build a ladder up into a girls locker room shower with this weird blobby ghost tried to grab my dick. I DROPPED A BUNCH OF PYRO EQUIPMENT DOWN THE SAME HOLE THAT LEADS TO THE POND BUT SOMEHOW ENDED UP ON TOP A BUNCH OF SCAFFOLDING WHERE I WENT UP AND FINISHED IT ALL UP WITH A '''BOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!'''&quot; And that's why you gotta love Atari.

=== 10. [[w:HyperScan|HyperScan]] ===

:'''The Nerd: '''And yes, he just turned into a cheeseburger.

=== 11. [[w:Universal Studios Theme Parks Adventure|Universal Studios Theme Parks Adventure]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Universal Theme Park Adventure on Gamecube. A game based on a theme park, that was based on movies by Universal Studios, the giant movie making machine that made some of the greatest films of all time. From the classic monster movies of the 30's and 40's to the Spielberg masterpieces like Jaws, E.T. and Jurassic Park. Over the years, Universal Studios has celebrated its movie legacy by slowly converting its Hollywood studio location into a big amusement park for the public and destroying film history. You know the opera house set from the classic Phantom of the Opera that stood on Stage 28 for 90 years? Destroyed. The oldest surviving movie set in history gone over night to make way for a Harry Potter ride. But hey, Universal Theme Park was still a lot of fun. You know in the Back to the Future DeLorean and then there's volcanos and shit and then you're riding the bike with E.T. and then the...the truck comes and almost hit you and then you're on the waterfall and...then the T-Rex comes out and then...and then fucking Jaws is jumping out of the water and King Kong shaking the tram and then there's earthquakes and then there's those other movies that you don't even know what the fuck they are, nobody cares! It was awesome! By the 90's, this whole theme park idea was so huge, they opened up a new one in Florida. This is when Nintendo helped advertised it in the movie, The Wizard and then in 2001, Nintendo start promoting it again with this game (the Nerd inserts the disk into the Gamecube and turns the Gamecube on) which I think, sounds awesome. What a great idea to take all these movies and put them into one using the theme park as a way to tie them altogether and on a new advanced console. How could you go wrong?

:'''AVGN''': Well, only one present left. [Looks at the left present] Wanna take a peek? Yeah, let's take a peek. [Picks the last present then reveals the LJN logo as he feels shocked.] '''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!'''

=== 12. [[w:LJN Video Art|LJN Video Art System]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': It can't be! (Opens a present then reveals ''[[w:LJN Video Art|LJN Video Art]]'') LJN made a video game console. It's already bad enough they already monopolized the genre of shitty disfunctional video games, but now, to make a whole fucking console. The biggest turd LJN ever shat. Let's take a look.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Ooh, no, oh, no, oh, NO! Oh, I hate these. These things come from Hell! These are the devil's pitchforks that you have to screw on the back of your TV!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
''[Upon turning on the video game system, the game just blares static]''
:'''The Nerd''': Well, you have to admit, this sure has a killer soundtrack. Yeah, next time you're having a conversation about best video game soundtracks; Mega Man, Castlevania, no, tell them about LJN Video Art. I can see it right now like, &quot;Uh, how does that one go? I don't remember that.&quot; &quot;Oh, it goes like: ''[imitates static sounds]''&quot;
:'''The Nerd''': The game has no sound... This is a unique specimen, not because it doesn't have sound, but because it outputs white noise, so technically, it does have sound, but it's fucking static! This kind of shit is the reason the Mute button was invented. Yeah, so turn the sound off, put on some Witchfinder General, and while you're at it, put on a different fucking game!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So, this concludes this marathon of crap, 12 shitty relics from the ass of the past. Hope you enjoyed it. Enjoyed in a strange way, I guess. You know, why do we focus on the bad memories? Why are we sentimental over the crappy past? I don't know, but I do know that the things of yesterday that were worthless, you all found some way to give them worth. You've done this, I've done this, we've all found ways to just make the best of things I guess. Maybe you're having a good holiday season, or a bad one, or an indifferent one, whatever the case I just want to bring you some joy. I hope you got a laugh, or even just a chuckle, uh, because it's that time of year, where everybody... make happy. Be a comedian. With all sincerity, have a Merry Christmas, happy holidays in general, and I'll see ya in 2015. Get ready for those [[Back to the Future Part II|self-lacing shoes, hoverboards and flying cars!]]

== Season Nine ==

=== [[w:Hong Kong 97 (video game)|Hong Kong 97]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': I've been called upon to take care of business once again. Apparently, there was a game worse than [[w:Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing|Big Rigs]]. Worse than [[w:Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (video game)|Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde]]. Worse than ''CrazyBus'' or ''Desert Bus!'' It was known as Hong Kong 97, and I've been getting requests for it up the ass. The requests are so far up the ass, it's time to shit 'em out! The game was made for the Super Famicom in Japan. But never saw its way to the rest of the world. This is one title that we definitely didn't get on the [[w:Super Nintendo Entertainment System|Super Nintendo]]. It was made by HappySoft. HappySoft was most famous for making... Hong Kong 97, their one and only &quot;masterpiece.&quot; (scene switches to an animated scene of HappySoft, rising from a fiery pit, shitting out Hong Kong 97) On this one occasion, they rose from the depths of Hell, excreted this unholy turd onto the Earth, and then descended back to where they came. (scene cuts back to real life) Supposedly, the game was so horrible, it barely even came on the Super Famicom at all. Stores rejected it and its release status is a mystery. It's so rare that to this day, not a single cartridge or physical copy has shown up at all. I can't even find a picture of one. So the only way I can experience this game... is the same way as the rest of the Internet.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': [upon seeing the word &quot;fuckin'&quot; in the game's intro story] This can't be real. No. No. Somebody's pulling my leg! &quot;A herd of fucking ugly reds&quot;? Was 'a herd of ugly reds' too weak? Did they really need the F word to FUCKIN' drive home the FUCKIN' point? 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': One hit, and the game's over. Why would I expect anything more? ''[Sees the game over screen, a picture of what appears to be a real corpse, accompanied by the text &quot;Chin IS DEAD!!&quot;]'' No... oh, please! I hope that's not a real dead body. No, there's no way they'd have such bad taste! That's gotta be an actor. Or... we're looking at some guy who died on that date and time in 1992. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': The strange thing is that Deng Xiaoping actually died in 1997. The game...predicted the future. In fact, 1997 was the year the United Kingdom returned the rule of Hong Kong back to China. The movie, from '94, forecast this in the tagline: &quot;99 years of British rule are about to come to an end. Hong Kong will never be the same.&quot; The movie stars Robert Patrick, the T-1000 from Terminator 2: Judgment Day, and Judgment Day takes place...in 1997. Part of Deng Xiaoping's ear is sort of cut off, like when Mike Tyson bit off a piece of Evander Holyfield's ear in 1997. The car, I'm willing to bet, is a Mercedes-Benz, in which Princess Diana died in '97. And what was the year Coca-Cola launched Surge? '97. And it's no coincidence all my surge protectors were made in China. Rebooting the entire game after you die? Just like Symphony of the Night. '97. Jackie Chan, uh, Rumble in the Bronx, uh, the Bronx, New York City, the Big Apple... [gasps] The year Steve Jobs returned to Apple in '97. The unstoppable, unrelenting song is called I love Beijing Tiananmen, also known as I love Peking Tiananmen. Peking Duck is a famous duck dish from Beijing. [gasps] And Scrooge McDuck had his 50th Anniversary in '97! The game was such a titanic failure. [gasps] Titanic, the movie from '97! Why was this game's sole purpose to direct us to the number 97? Huh. Like the NGC-97 galaxy in the constellation of Andromeda, the princess Andromeda who was chained naked to a rock to be sacrificed to a monster. Like Princess Leia and Jabba in Return of the Jedi. [gasps] The Special Edition of Star Wars in '97! Ah, fuck, we're back again. Man, I'm just trying to get a final answer here, but I went full circle. Like the song that keeps looping. A game that keeps repeating. Maybe it's all about a cycle. An endless cycle. Old, shitty games that become new again. The past becomes the future, birth and death, on and on, it's the cycle of life. The game is the meaning of life! And the thing that keeps life going; Reproduction...and food...which becomes shit. The game is fuckin' shit. There.

=== [[w:Darkwing Duck (TurboGrafx-16)|Darkwing Duck]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''[searching for a game to review that would supposedly give enough material]'' I got it, ''[[w:Mad Max (1990 video game)|Mad Max]]''! It was made by [[w:Mindscape|Mindscape]], proving that not '''''EVERY''''' NES movie-based game was made by LJN. See - LJN was like a cat, and the NES library was its litter box. When the litter box gets too shitty... the cat shits somewhere else. '''''Now''''' I'm on track.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[reviewing the aforementioned game]''  Well, ya drive around, ya run around shootin' people, ya drive, shoot, drive, shoot, buy stuff, drive and shoot. I '''''wish''''' it were LJN because they would've given me more to '''talk''' about!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Call me an explorer; I've been searching for the '''perfect''' shitty game. And I've seen just about '''''EVERYTHING''''' at this point! But ya know what? I'm gonna do something that I've never done yet. And that is to review a game, on... ''[turns his camera to the TurboGrafx-16]'' ...the TurboGrafx-16. '''''Holy shit.''''' ''[The TurboGrafx-16 floats out to the camera.]'' The TurboGrafx-16 was developed by Hudson Soft and NEC. Its original name in Japan was the PC Engine, which sounds like a computer on a train. No wonder they changed it. The games came on cards, which was unique. It was '''technically''' the first 16-bit console, made to compete with the NES, but it was soon trampled by two titans, the Sega Genesis and the Super Nintendo. Yeah, you were either asking your parents for the Genesis or the SNES. The TurboGrafx-16 was the one nobody ''gave'' a shit about. It didn't have as many third-party game developers workin' for it, but the benefit of that was that it meant less shitty games! The TurboGrafx library is less ''contaminated'' than the rest. That's why it's taken me so long to get to it. There's no '''major''' stinkers that stick out. But I might've found one. ''Darkwing Duck'', based on [[w:Darkwing Duck|the TV show]].  remember the show, but I'm not overly familiar with it, which is a fair spot to be in. I have no high expectations, or low expectations. By now, I've played some of the most '''''HORRIBLE GAMES''''' that are humanly possible to make: ''Plumbers Don't Wear Ties'', ''Big Rigs'', ''Hong Kong 97''; I think I've set the bar too high, or too low, depending which way ya look at it. So now, let's go into some more sensible territory; let's get serious. Or should I say... &quot;Let's get dangerous&quot;?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Great! The game just began and they tease ya with an item that you can't get! There's ''gotta'' be a way... Oh - I see, ya bounce on the skateboarding penguins' heads. ''[turns to the camera]'' How can I be so casual when I say &quot;skateboarding penguins&quot;?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': It's not like I ''have'' to get the D; I don't even know what it does! But it '''''pisses me off!''''' I feel like an ass! I can't let that go! I feel like I've been fooled! It's like a '''test''' from the game programmers! A challenge! Like, you put that D there, and '''''I'm gonna figure out how you intend I get to it!''''' ... I give up. There's a whole game ahead of me. Fuck the D; the D can '''''suck my dick!''''''''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': I've been playin' on &quot;Normal Mode&quot;. I'm changin' it to &quot;Easy&quot;. Huh. &quot;Easy&quot; and &quot;Normal&quot;. Should be called &quot;Hard&quot;, and '''''&quot;FUCKING BULLSHIT&quot;!'''''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Don't you think there'd be a reason why the window is broken? Doesn't it look like I can hop down there? ''(Darkwing jumps up to the cable)'' How 'bout hangin' on the power lines? Darkwing is actually reaching up as if he could grab on! But it never happens! It '''messes''' with your mind! It's a psychological sucker-front! A facade! It's the equivalent of an open door that ya can't go in!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So much shit comin' at me! '''''SO MUCH SHIT!''''' ''[The Nerd falls below the platform and into a different level. He is shocked.]'' What the fuck just happened? It's like you make one wrong step, '''''you go to the dungeon, BITCH!'''''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''':  You can't duck and shoot. Great. Well at least you can duck. You '''''ARE''''' a duck. I dunno what kinda fucked-up duck can't fuckin' duck

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd: ''' ''(As the Nerd waits for a correct time to jump, a safe falls on Darkwing's head, much to the Nerd's dismay. The camera cuts to him looking shocked by this. He then gets an angry look before opening his mouth.)'' ''(Screams angrily)'' '' '''FU.....!!!!''' '' ''(this is interwoven with multiple clips of the Nerd screaming; the final shot is an explosion)'' ''(angrily)'' '''If you stand still for TOO long, a safe drops on you! Like the game is saying, ''&quot;FUCK YOU!&quot;'' ''' '''&lt;nowiki/&gt;''' Might as well just be a giant middle finger. And it should be the only part of the game in 3D! Put on your 3D glasses! Get ready! Set! Fuck you, kids!

:'''The Nerd: '''This '''''could've''''' been a decent game. ''Darkwing Duck'' is '''''NOT''''' one of those concepts that's doomed from the start. The show had elements of action, crime-solving and humor. It's been done well before! ''(Footage of the NES version of &quot;Darkwing Duck&quot; is shown)'' There was an NES version which was basically like ''[[w:Mega Man (video game)|Mega Man]]'' but with a duck. It was made by [[w:Capcom|Capcom]], who of course made the ''Mega Man'' games, and ''DuckTales''. '''Those''' all turned out great, so what happened here? The control isn't just bad, it's '''''uniquely''''' bad. In an indescribable way.

:'''The Nerd: '''Every game with bad control has its own feel, its own identity. Making bad games is an artform. It's a delicate recipe. Some are worse than others. It might be a massive truck load of elephant shit, or, a pellet of bird poop. To explain '''''exactly''''' how bad it is, I've invented &quot;The Shit Scale&quot;.

:'''The Nerd: '''It begins with &quot;Games That Are Debatably Bad&quot;. '''Somewhat''' good games, with ''serious'' flaws. '''''Not''''' part of the turd crust, but well within smell range.

:'''The Nerd: '''Then you get to the &quot;High Level of Shit Contamination&quot;. Games that are ''possible'' to play, but nobody in their right mind would.

:'''The Nerd: '''Then ya get into the &quot;Very High&quot; category which encompasses the majority of LJN games. This is where you could still survive, but you'd come out traumatized... for life.

:'''The Nerd: '''Next is the &quot;Severe Zone&quot;. This is for masochists only. These are games that could kill a person. '''''STAY AWAY. Don't even think about it!'''''

:'''The Nerd: '''Then we have ''Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde''. Enough said.

:'''The Nerd: '''Finally, at the '''''EXTREME''''' end of the scale, &quot;'''MAJOR CODE RED'''&quot;; we have games that don't even '''''qualify''''' as games at all. They shouldn't even be '''on''' the scale! But they are. And that's so you know to beware. '''''NEVER''''' play them, '''''NEVER''''' talk about them.

:'''The Nerd: '''So where does ''Darkwing Duck'' fall on the scale? I'd say somewhere around... here. ''(&quot;Very High&quot; category)'' Of course that means there '''are''' games that are worse, but from what I've seen so far, ''Darkwing Duck'' is the '''''WORST''''' game on the TurboGrafx-16. Being the worst at something is quite an achievement. I'm the fuckin' Nerd, I'll see ya next time. ''(The Nerd throws the game and grunts angrily)'' '''Nnrgh!'''

=== [[w:Seaman (video game)|Seaman]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': So what do you do in this game? Well, the instructions say: &quot;You are free to enjoy Seaman-&quot; ''[slaps the instruction booklet against his forehead]'' '''AW, NO, NO, NO, NOOOOOOO!''' '''IT'S SEA-MAN! SEA...MAN!''' Not ''semen.'' ''[awkwardly pauses for 2 seconds]'' '''AS IN JIZZ! SPLOOGE! MAN BAZOOKA JUICE!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Yeah, you wanna look cool? Put a Sega Dreamcast on your wrist with a TV and a gas-powered electric generator! You'd be so awesome! Let's play this.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Leonard Nimoy''': Then take the egg from the storage matrix...
:'''The Nerd''': Yeah. When he says &quot;Matrix.&quot;, he sounds like Galvatron.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[The Nerd watches in horror as the Nautilus thrashes around, bleeding out]''
:'''The Nerd''': Agh! Ah, that's repulsive!
:''[several Seamen spawn (Gillmen) come flying out of the Nautilus' corpse]''
:'''The Nerd''': ...Whooooaaaa... 
:''[one Gillman swims right up to the screen]''
:'''The Nerd''': GAH! OH, MY GOD! AHHH, GET AWAY FROM ME YOU MYSTICAL ANCIENT PHARAOH MOTHERFUCKERS! Ah! I gotta do it! I gotta do it for Nimoy! ''(gives the Vulcan salute)'' '''''FOR NIMOY!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[to microphone]'' Hello.
:'''Seaman''':''[sarcastically]'' Yeah. Hello. Whatever.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[to microphone]'' I just wanna talk.
:'''Seaman''': ''[sarcastically]'' Blahh, blahh, blahh. Happy?
:'''The Nerd''': ''[to microphone, annoyed]'' Yo, fuck-face!
:'''Seaman''': Let's be sure and get my name right, skin puppet. You're a pain in the fuck.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[to microphone, angrily]'' Suck my cock.
:'''Seaman''': Hey, Seaman don't play that.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[to microphone]'' I'll... (What can I do?) I'll tickle you.
:'''Seaman''': Are you coming on to me?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[to microphone]'' Talk, talk. Speak, speak.
:'''Seaman''': Bite me.
:''[the Gillman flings a viscous substance at the screen]''
:'''The Nerd''': Did he just take a fuck? 'HE JUST FLUNG FUCK AT ME!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Whoa. That's deep, man. But it's bullfuck! The game demands I play by its schedule. So, what am I gonna do to pass the time? Well, I guess I'll play this Famicom Disk game, which roughly translates to &quot;Explosive Fighter Patton&quot;. Why? Because people told me so; they keep feeding me this shit. Let's check it out. ''[inserts the disk. The screen says: &quot;TURN TO SIDE-B AND INSERT TO FUCKING BOX!&quot;.]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[stunned]'' No. No way! It's an official Famicom disk game that says the F-word! And this was in the 80s; this was before Hong Kong 97! '''''IT'S AN OFFICIALLY RELEASED GAME ON A NINTENDO CONSOLE...THAT SAYS &quot;FUCK&quot;! OH, MY GOD, MY LIFE IS COMPLETE! IT SAYS FUCK!''''' ''[shouting]'' '''''IT SAYS FU....'''''
:''[brief montage indicating the passage of time]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[continues shouting]'' O-oh, I forgot about Seaman! ''[turns Dreamcast back on]''
:'''Leonard Nimoy''': I regret to inform you that Seaman has passed away...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Seaman''': Hey, guess what we're doing over here!
:''[two Gillmen are interconnected; the Nerd is shocked]''
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, no, no, no-no-no, please, please! The Seamen are mating. And they felt the need to announce it; to make it known! There they are; staring you right in the face! I didn't even know one that was female. They both have a male voice. That's not... logical.
:''[the top Gillman sinks to the tank floor]''
:'''The Nerd''': It dies? It got fucked to death?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Seaman''': In general, would you describe yourself as a confident person?
:'''The Nerd''': ''[confused]'' Am I confident in myself? Well--
:'''Seaman''': You don't have to be perfect to still be able to like yourself, so tell me.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[lying on the futon like a therapist couch]'' It all started with my pet albatross.
:'''Seaman''': The most important thing is that your dad knows how much he means to you.
:'''The Nerd''': I just feel like...nothing matters, you know?
:'''Seaman''': ''[each line interleaving with one another]'' If you manage to glimpse the world through each other's eyes, you have to keep up with technology. What will your future be like? It's a natural result of the world's economy becoming no reality independent of observation.
:'''The Nerd''': I-I never thought of it that way.
:'''Seaman''': Human beings are the only animals smart enough to entertain itself in a complex way. ''[the Nerd nods in agreement]''

=== The Crow ===

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Nerd''': Look at this ugly, murky mess. I'm sure they were going for a dark, moody atmosphere and all that, but don't you think it's a little too dark? It's almost just a black screen with yellow and red pools of light. Looks like somebody bled and pissed all over the place, after smearing the camera lens with their shit after taking a bunch of Pepto Bismol.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
'''AVGN''': This game is worse than a Mischief Night prank! Mischief Night is throwing toilet paper all over someone's yard. This game is the equivalent of throwing toilet paper after you wiped your ass! It's as refreshing as a horse's anus! Fuck The Crow up its bird ass! And fuck you, you fuckin' clown-faced joker kiss makeup wearin' King Diamond Beetlejuice Alice Cooper Marilyn Manson motherfucker!!

=== [[w:Mortal Kombat Mythologies: Sub-Zero|Mortal Kombat Mythologies: Sub-Zero]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': C'mon, c'mon - oh, get the fuck outta my way - ''[a monk gets crushed by a moving pillar]'' AH-HA-HAH! YEAH! DID YOU SEE THAT?! I FUCKIN' SQUASHED THAT BITCH! ''[A pillar squashes Sub-Zero]'' FUUUUUUCCCCKKK!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Afterwards, you get a cutscene. This is where I should mention that the game was also on PlayStation. It's very similar, but the most noteworthy difference is that on the N64, the cutscenes are still images and text, but with the PlayStation version, since it was a CD-based console, it was able to have full motion video and audio.
:'''[[w:Scorpion (Mortal Kombat)|Scorpion]]''': I am Scorpion. You killed me in cold blood.
:'''The Nerd''': Um... Just stick to ''[[w:Mortal Kombat: Annihilation|Mortal Kombat: Annihilation]]''. 


== Season Ten ==

=== Mega Man Games ===
:'''The Nerd:''' ''[first lines]'' It's been 10 years since I first began broadcasting to you through the miracle of YouTube technology. And since then, I've been trying to keep up with the times. I've just finished upgrading my vinyl record collection to cassettes. And I got a new cell phone... ''[he holds up an old-style Motorola mobile phone]'' (Check it out.) ''[Nokia fanfare plays]'' ...and I finally got one of those new rectangular TVs. I've been reorganizing all my game consoles, new video switchers, working out all the bugs, new shelves, I can now get behind my game consoles to reach all the wires, and of course, the ability to play games in HD clarity. Yeah, hi-def. ''Yeah.'' Now let's play some 8-bits.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' BLAM! Shootin' shit, running around in your blue underwear! It doesn't get any better than this. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' ''Mega Man II'' is favored by many. It's considered to be one of the supreme examples of these types of side-scrolling action games. It's the one everybody knows. Just like another Capcom game, ''Street Fighter II,'' which revolutionized the tournament fighter genre. I guess you can say Capcom made the best number twos.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Explosions! Dialogue! '''EXPLOSIONS ''AND'' DIALOGUE, AT THE SAME TIME!''' ''[Shouting]'' '''''OH, MY GOD!!!'''''
:''[Explosions occur in the Nerd's room with some dialogue saying &quot;This is Hunter Base. Do you read me? Are you all right? Any damage?&quot; interrupting for a brief moment then explosions resume while the Nerd yells]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''2016 Nerd:''' Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. ''[points at R.O.B.]'' Why is that there?
:'''2007 Nerd:''' I don't know, it just sits there.
:'''2016 Nerd:''' Get rid of it.
:'''2007 Nerd:''' Why?
:'''2016 Nerd:''' You'll know by Episode 100.
:'''2007 Nerd:''' Uh, Episode-- ''[stutters]'' ''What?!''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''':  Look, I know this sounds weird, but I've sorta been time-traveling around through AVGN history.
:'''Back Nerd''': Yeah. That's weird. We've never seen anything weird before.
:'''2006 Nerd''': What's AVGN?
:'''Right Nerd''': ''[with an idiotic smile]'' Audio Video Graphic Network!
:'''Back Nerd:''' ''[sarcastically]'' A VaGiNa.
:''[2016 Nerd just facepalms in annoyance.]''
:'''2006 Nerd:''' So what time did you come from?
:'''2016 Nerd:''' From ten years into the future.
:'''2006 Nerd:''' That's nice. Could you have picked a more confusing time to show up?
:'''Left Nerd:''' ''[sarcastically]'' Not confusing at all. Time-traveling back into a dream, that happens all the time! '''''MAKES PERFECT FUCKING SENSE!'''''
:'''2006 Nerd:''' Relax.
:'''2016 Nerd:''' All right, now look, I could tell you that Freddy's around the corner and he's waiting to kill all you, ''[Freddy's shadow gets annoyed, gives the middle finger, and walks away]'' but I'm gonna show you how much worse things could get. ''[shows the PlayStation Disc]'' Here is [[w:Mega Man Legends (video game)|Mega Man Legends]], on PlayStation.
:'''2006 Nerd:''' PlayStation? We're the Angry ''Nintendo'' Nerd!
:'''2016 Nerd:''' THEN CHANGE THE FUCKING NAME! It's about time!
:'''Back Nerd:''' How about Angry Nintendo Commentator? 
:''[2016 Nerd facepalms]''
:'''Right Nerd:''' How about Retro Nostalgic Video Gaming Shit Seeker?
:'''2006 Nerd:''' How about [[w:Nostalgia Critic|Nostalgia Critic]]?
:'''2016 Nerd:''' ''[in disagreement, as if saying, &quot;That's not gonna happen.&quot;]'' Now ''that's'' fucking ''stupid.''
:'''Left Nerd:''' How about &quot;Angry ''Video Game'' Nerd&quot;?
:''[The Nerds agree on the name]''
:'''Right Nerd:''' Yeah, that's good.
:'''Middle Nerd:''' I agree with that.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Mega Man walks toward a magazine rack]''
:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;There're some dirty magazines on the racks...&quot;?
:''[The Nerds have shocked looks on their faces, and they start laughing]''
:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;It might be fun to look at--&quot;
:''[The Nerds all exclaim things such as '''&quot;WHAT?!&quot;''' and '''&quot;OH, MAN!&quot;''' and '''&quot;OH, MY GOD!&quot;''' and having various looks on their faces, ranging from disgusted to laughing.]''
:'''Left Nerd:''' '''''MEGA MAN'S LOOKING AT PORN!'''''
:'''2006 Nerd:''' My life is complete!
:'''Right Nerd:''' ''[laughing]'' ''Mega Man X.'' more like ''Mega Man '''XXX.'''''
:'''2016 Nerd:''' Well, anyway, this guy's gotta take a shit, so take out that Nightmare on Elm Street cartridge and empty your ass all over it.
:'''Back Nerd:''' ''[in embarrassment]'' I wish you would've said that earlier.
:''[The other Nerds smell, gag and hold their nose after knowing Back Nerd defecated his pants.]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''2004 Nerd:''' You didn't play ''Jekyll and Hyde'' again, did you?
:'''2016 Nerd:''' ''[beat, shakes his head]'' ...No! Never... Mm-mm. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': I'm back. It's yours truly, the fuckin' Nerd, here to play some more shitty games. Let's pop this fucker in here-- ''[The Nerd picks up an SNES cartridge and is shocked to see it is [[w:Mega Man Soccer|Mega Man Soccer]]. He puts the game in the SNES, turns it on, plays it and shudders in shock at the game play.]'' Wha--? W--? '''WHAT... WERE... THEY...&lt;big&gt;''THINKING?!?''&lt;/big&gt;''' ''[he runs, hurls himself out the window and screams.]''

=== [[w:Paperboy (video game)|Paperboy]] ===
:'''AVGN''': Extra! Extra! Paperboy goes mad! Here's some [[w:Classified advertising|assifieds]]! Here you go daily douchebag! 10% off your next purchase of &quot;FUCK YOU&quot;! Cloudy with a chance of ass kicking! Dear Abby, make 'em eat shit! Crosswords, can you spell cunt? Horoscopes, you will achieve greatness - in HELL!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Aiming the newspaper into the mailbox is like trying to slingshot a dingleberry from a playground roundabout that’s situated on a moving parade float aiming into a bottlecap that’s tied by a string to a Himalayan snow-cock! While drunk!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Then there's a tire that randomly comes rolling out from behind the house. Who's back there rolling tires? Get a life.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The ''Grim Reaper'' is in town... That's a problem.

=== [[w:MTV's Beavis and Butt-Head|Beavis and Butt-Head]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''(belches)'' Yeah, that's how you critique it, you just say this sucks... yeah... uh... you know when you eat rump roast - are you like, eating a cow's butt? ''(burps)'' You know the word &quot;this&quot; is like &quot;shit&quot; spelled backwards? Or uh... maybe it isn't. Maybe I should like, uh... play another game, or something?

=== The Berenstain Bears ===
:'''Other Nerd''': These are the real Bad News Bears!

=== Sega Activator and Aura Interactor ===
:'''The Nerd''': Streets of Rage 2.
:'''Keith Apicary''': Yes! That's my autobiography.


== Season Eleven ==

=== Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers ===
:'''The Nerd:''' After that, you get this awkward driving stage where you rescue people.
:'''Voice in game:''' ''[exclaims]'' Over here! All right!
:'''The Nerd:''' ''[sarcastically]'' &quot;Love&quot; hearin' those voices over and over again.
:'''Voice in game:''' Over here! All right! Over here! All right!
:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;Over here!&quot; &quot;All right!&quot; &quot;Over here!&quot; &quot;All right!&quot; &quot;Over here!&quot; &quot;All right!&quot; '''''&quot;OVER HERE!!!&quot;''''' '''''&quot;ALL RIGHT!&quot;'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' [Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie ''on Game Boy''] Take a look at the Rangers. Which one's your favorite? ''(shows the Rangers on the Game Boy's monochrome screen)'' The Dark Green, Dark Green, Dark Green, Dark Green, Dark Green, or Dark Green Ranger? Mine's the Dark Green Ranger.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' This problem escalates when you get to the sand. Oh, God, the sand. Let me tell you about this. You have to punch and kick all this sand out of the way, and it's a race against time because there's a machine following close behind you. If it touches you, it's a one-hit death. You have to get rid of that sand as fast as humanly possible. You can't afford any wasted hits, which means you have to master the science behind this punch-kick phenomenon. The top square can only be taken out with the punch. The middle with a kick or a ducking punch. The bottom, only with a ducking kick. So not only do you have to know when it's going to be a punch or a kick, but you also have to know when to be standing or ducking. The only successful pattern I found is duck-stand-stand, duck-duck-stand. I can't even do it without saying it out loud. Duck-stand-stand, duck-duck-stand. Duck-stand-stand, duck-duck-stand. Fuck-shit-shit, fuck-fuck-shit! ''Fuck-shit-shit, fuck-fuck-shit! '''FUCK-SHIT-SHIT, FUCK-FUCK-SHIT!''''' ''(Ranger dies)'' '''''FUUUUCK!!!'''''

=== [[w:Sonic the Hedgehog (2006 video game)|Sonic '06]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': I mean, how bad could this po- it's gonna fuckin' suck, isn't it?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So far, this game has given me nothing but shit! '''The game is giving me shit!!!''' [''The Sonic 06 box game is literally trying to give the Nerd a piece of shit''] '''No! No! No!'''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': [''Talking about how the shopkeeper is only saying welcome''] Especially him. The only word on the screen is &quot;welcome&quot;, but his mouth is moving like crazy. What more could he possibly be saying?! [''The Nerd appears on screen and mimics the shopkeeper''] Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcomewelcomewelcome...

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': [''Commenting on another NPC''] Then there's this crack addict in an alley. [''The Nerd mimics the NPC''] Hey, hey, hey, did you see that, did you hear that? [''starts babbling unintelligibly''] Cra- Cra- crack, I need crack.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
[''Tails jumps over the rail and dies in water'']
:'''The Nerd''': Did Tails just kill himself?!!
[''Tails falls off the rail again and dies'']
:'''The Nerd''': He did!!
[''falls off the rail and dies again'']
:'''The Nerd''': [''appearing on the game screen''] He just couldn't take it... The game was that bad! ''(sighs and jumps into the water)''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''The Nerd''': [about the [[Free Willy|Free Willy]] poster] It looks like the kid is punching the whale! Who the hell could punch a killer whale so hard it becomes airborne?! You don't fuck with that kid!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': &quot;Cleared ACT Mission&quot;? What kind of terminology is that? That's like saying &quot;Cleared LEVEL Stage&quot;. This game is &quot;DICK Cock&quot;.

=== Planet of the Apes ===

:'''The Nerd:''' Well, it's one of those &quot;where the fuck do you go?&quot; kind of games...
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' '''''OH, THE ONLY PLANET THIS GAME CAME FROM IS URANUS! OH, THIS GAME IS A MADHOUSE! A MADHOUSE! OH, YOU DAMN DIRTY GAME DESIGNERS! YOU MANIACS! YOU FUCKED IT UP! DAMN YOU, DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!''''' Oh, that's it. I'm going back to Earth!

=== Game Boy Accessories ===

:'''The Nerd:''' This one, called the 'Handy Boy' was released by... STD? ''STD?!'' '''''WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD NAME THEIR GAME COMPANY &quot;STD&quot;?!'''''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(on Game Boy accessories)'' But then, to top it off, the grand finale. I'm not even emotionally ready to tell you about this, so just sit back, here it is. ''The PediSedate.'' This thing was intended for hospitals, to help children relax when they're about to be put under for surgery or a medical procedure. Essentially, it's a pair of headphones that you plug into the Game Boy. You could probably plug it into any portable gaming console, but more importantly, it has a cup that goes over the child's mouth, and releases the sleep gas, or laughing gas, or whatever it is they need. So, it's the only gaming peripheral I know of that ''gasses you!'' Imagine being sedated while playing fuckin' ''[[w:Dr. Mario|Dr. Mario]]''! What would that be like? Oh, my God! I was gonna make up a bunch of fake shit at the end, like the ''Game Boy Dog Turd Collector.'' But nothing I can make up can top ''this!'' And this thing was rea-I mean, it didn't get released, but it was invented and patented. The Game Boy must have been the most multi-purposed thing in existence! Astronauts actually took it into space! It could withstand bomb blasts, you could take photos, print, sew, find fish, ''get sedated! I wanna be sedated with a Game Boy!!'' '''I WANNA BE SEDATED WITH A GAAAME BOOOY!!'''! [[w:I Wanna Be Sedated|BAM BAM BAMBAM BAMBAM BAM B-B-]] '''''I WANNA BE SEDATED WITH A GAAAAAME BOOOOOY!!!!!'''''

=== Treasure Master ===
:'''The Nerd''': It's a really smart idea to be wearing radioactive fucking SHOES!! Seriously...is Skooter that fucking RAD that he doesn't care about RAD-iation poisoning?

=== Wrestling Games ===
:'''The Nerd''': Trying to hit a guy here is like trying to hit a grain of sand with a tennis racket while Andre The Giant farts directly into your nostrils!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Wow. And how about the most annoying character select screen possible? I don't know who the fuck most of these guys are, and they have no names! Who are these people?? They just shout random slogans at me and move at about two frames per second. Whatever, I'll pick Ric Flair. And of course it controls like ass. The punches take almost a full-second delay! And seriously, why does everyone walk around like there's shit caked up their ass?! Fuck this piece of shit! I'm done! (Takes the game out of the Super Nintendo]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Let me tell you something, brother! This game is the worst there is, the worst there was, and the worst there ever will be! Woo! It's a limousine-fucking, jet plane-sucking, diarrhea-drinking, asshole-stinking Hell-on-Earth in a cartridge, and I'm gonna open up a whole can of whoop-ass on it! And that's the bottom line because the fucking Nerd said so!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Seriously, why couldn't they give all the WWF games to Capcom instead of giving six of them to one of the worst video game companies in existence? Oh, and did I mention the toy line? LJN made the toys, too, and those fucking sucked also! Ugh! What were they thinking? Man, if LJN stood for Laughing Joking Numbnuts, then WWF must have stood for... Wisecracking Wiener Fuckfarts. ''[Actually, Nerd, WWF stood for &quot;World Wrestling Federation.&quot; Now it's WWE, which stands for &quot;World Wrestling Entertainment.&quot;] (gets knocked down by SNES cartridge with a steel chair and the audience angrily boos while the cartridge celebrates as if giving the audience a middle finger, and saying '''&quot;FUCK YOU!&quot;''')''

=== [[w:Polybius (urban legend)|Polybius]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''(after unsuccessfully trying to escape)'' The only way it'll let me go is if I show the game! ''(crying)'' I had to... I had no choice. I can't stand this anymore. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry just... [cries] Just don't look. Don't look, turn the video off right now! Once you see it, it's in you forever.
:''(The camera pans to floor as the Nerd walks toward the Polybius console and looks up at the screen, which shows a 3D-looking square tunnel and then a Tempest-like screen with other shapes. The screen flashes shapes randomly before the YouTube Video Unavailable screen appears. The face suddenly changes into the Nerd's face before the screen cuts to static.)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Todd Tuckey''': What's going on? Hello? ...Well, the camera's here. ''(picks up camera)'' Well, there's the game. ''(static interspersed with Todd screaming)''

=== Robocop NES Games ===

=== [[w:Sonic the Hedgehog (2006 video game)|Sonic '06 (Part 2)]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' Seriously, the last thing I want to do after beating Sonic '06 is play more fuckin' Sonic '06! I'd rather rip every individual pube out of my scrotum with salad tongs than play this anymore!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[after he beats Sonic '06]'' Wow! Can't say I've seen that before. Well, Sonic '06, it's all done. Just to think, all the hours spent, all that time, all that torture, and now, it's all over?
:''[sultry jazz music plays as the Nerd glares at Sonic '06 with bedroom eyes. Whipping and laughter sounds as the scene cuts to the dungeon with Sonic '06 whipping the Nerd.]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[exclaims]'' Yeah! You like th-Ah! Ah! Yeah! Give it to me! ''[shouting]'' Ah! Yeah, yeah! ''[exclaims]'' Yeah, oh you like it when I give you those bedroom eyes! ''[shouts]'' Yeah! ''[exclaims and shouts]''

=== Charlie’s Angels (GameCube) ===
:'''Charlie''': Good morning, Nerd.
:'''The Nerd''': Who said that?
:'''Charlie''': Down here, Nerd.
:'''The Nerd''': The fuck is that thing?
:'''Charlie''': It's me, Charlie. I've come to help you with your game decision. I've got one in mind I think you'll like.
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, yeah, yeah, that's just what I need. Thank you. Thank you very much. How about you just get the hell out of here before I smash your circuits all over the floor?
:'''Charlie''': Why don't you take a look at the game first?
:'''The Nerd''': Oh yeah. ''Charlie's Angels: the Movie'' the game. I heard that one's some grade-A ass!
:'''Charlie''': Indeed it is, Nerd, but you'll only find out if you play. Now play it.
:'''The Nerd''': Okay. All right, so somebody comes and makes me play a game. Freddy, Jason, Bugs Bunny, a speaker phone? I mean, this is an all-time low. ''We're reachin' here!'' And you know where. What do you think I do all day? Just sit around and play shitty games?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' It's finally happened. For years I've been calling games ass. But here is a game ''that's literally'' ''ASS!''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Charlie:''' I'm really sorry Nerd. I thought you would've loved a game that was ass.
:'''The Nerd:''' And why would I love that?
:'''Charlie:''' Because... you're a pieceashit!

=== Star Wars: Masters of Teras Kasi ===
''[The Nerd is looking through a 'Star Wars' encyclopedia]''
:'''The Nerd:''' What? ''JIZZ!?'' 'A popular style of freeform, wailing music' Jizz! Yeah, there is 'jizz' in this book. ''(flips to another page)'' Jizz-wailer!? 'A musician who plays a fast, contemporary, and upbeat style of music.' Jizz-wailer! It's in Star Wars!

=== Lightspan Adventures ===
:'''The Nerd:''' Let's learn some motherfucking math! ''On the move!''

== Season Twelve ==
=== [[w:EarthBound|EarthBound]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''[on the game's oversized box]'' Your ''MOM'' has an oversized box!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''(Following the montage of interruptions by the Photo Guy)''
:'''The Nerd''': ''LEAVE ME ALONE! LET ME PLAY THE GAME!''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mr. Rigs''': That's right, Nerd! Don't take shit from nobody! Only give shits and while you're at it, get some clothes that fit.
:'''The Nerd's Shit''': Yes, it's a little on the baggy side.
:'''The Nerd''': Hey! I don't need any advice from you or the shit talking shit.

=== Dirty Harry ===
:'''The Nerd''': While the movie was ''Dirty'' Harry, the game... was just straight-up ''filthy''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': (''at the title screen'') It opens with the classic line from ''Sudden Impact''.
:'''Harry Callahan''': ''Go ahead. Make my day''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': This game is yet another one of those &quot;Where the fuck do I go?&quot; kind of games. I ran around for 20 minutes like a chicken with its head cut off and barely accomplished anything.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': I know what you're thinking, did he fire six shots or only five? Well to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I... kind of lost track myself. But being this is a Konami Justifier, the most powerful light gun in the world, it would blow your label clean off. You gotta ask yourself one question. Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya? Punk?

=== [[w:Drake of the 99 Dragons|Drake of the 99 Dragons]] ===

:'''The Nerd:''' ''(meditating to ethnic music)'' ... Oh, hey. I've just been meditating to summon the power of the Chosen One to give me the patience and the courage... to play today's game.
:'''The Nerd:''' This game is what you get if somebody ate every badass dual-pistol wielding, trench coat-wearing late '90s action movie cliché, then barfed it out, ate the barf, and then dumped their ass into a piss-and-shit-stained bus station toilet, and then they took that rancid concoction, and somehow printed Xbox discs made out of it! 99 Dragons, made out of 99 percent bullshit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': But ooh boy, let me tell ya, I haven't even started playing yet, so let's pick up the Duke here, this big-ass ''tank'' fuckin' controller, and let's get started. 'cuz it's gonna get fucked...
:'''The Nerd:''' I understand the game was developed under a very short time, but somebody had to pop this in at least ONCE and say; &quot;This controls like ass.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(on the cutscenes)'' Oh, and the lips barely move, so I can never tell if they're actually talking, or it's some kind of inner monologue. ''(As he speaks, the Nerd's mouth is intentionally out of sync with his voice, parodying this.)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(After having died, the Nerd spawns in a temple, where he has to wait for ten seconds before restarting.)''
:'''Statue:''' &quot;There's no cure for stupidity beyond death.&quot;
:'''The Nerd:''' Yeah, well, fuck you too, you fuckin' statues!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(waiting for a platform to take Drake to the top of a building)'' O-oh, come on! I could build a sculpture of a horse takin' a shit, out of horse shit, in the time it takes to get up there!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' This is where the problems in the game REALLY mount up, and it just... builds inside you with all this RAGE, and you become... just BOILING SO FUCKIN' HOT! It's not like you're in Hell; you've '''become''' Hell! Bad people die, and they go into '''you!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(fighting a boss)'' And before I know it, I'm dead! What the fuuucck?!
:'''The Nerd:''' So you defeat the boss, you rescue your master, and now you gotta go down into the subway, and... ''(gets hit by a train and dies)'' '''HAAAAAAAAAAGHHH!!!''' ''WHAT THE FUCK?!'' Thi-I-I-I-I can't fuckin' stand this. I-I would cheat, but, they didn't even program cheat codes! But how could they, if they can't even program a ''fuckin'' game?! ''(stammers and briefly meditates)''

=== ''Tomb Raider'' Games ===
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, and have you ever noticed the Angelina Jolie ''Tomb Raider'' movies aren't called ''Tomb Raider?'' They're officially called ''Lara Croft: Tomb Raider'' and ''Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life.'' What a mouthful. Did they just read the movie poster out loud? Might be why it took 15 years to get another feature film, which was simply called, ''Tomb Raider,'' unless the real title was supposed to be: ''Alicia Vikander is Lara Croft Tomb Raider March 16th Experience It In IMAX.'' But that's probably too much for a theater marquee, right?

=== Resident Evil Survivor ===
:'''The Nerd:''' This game is kicking the PlayStation while it's already down. Mainly in the balls.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:(''after the Nerd appears in the intro to the original'' Resident Evil)
:'''The Nerd''': You see that shit!? Well, I guess I gotta explain. The Umbrella Corporation, they moved in next door, set up a secret lab, and now there's monsters and stuff, and I dunno what to do! Well, I guess I'll pop in the disc, play some ''Resident Evil: Survivor'', have a pint, and wait for all of this to blow over.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So this guy's seen hangin' from a helicopter, he falls off and the copter crashes. Then that same helicopter shits another guy out. Seriously, look at this! The helicopter's on fire, and this dude just shoots out like a turd with an explosive fart behind it!

=== Super Hydlide and Virtual Hydlide ===
:'''The Nerd''': Eight years ago, I played the first ''Hydlide''. Since then, I've gotten a lot of requests to review the other Hydlide games. The other ''Hydlide'' games? Because the first one was so good, you've gotta have more, no, sequels to games that already sucked Donkey Kong dong, that I can't stand! I can't stand the sound of it! Hydlide! ''HYDLIDE!'' (''vomits both sequels'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Imagine living in this world: you're late for work, so you skip breakfast, and then two hours later, you're in the middle of a meeting, and ya drop fuckin' DEAD in front all your coworkers! Nothin' left but a withered husk. Tragic.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': &quot;It does seem fitting to construe carelessly made shoddy goods as bullshit, but in what way? Is the resemblance that bullshit,  itself, is invariably produced in a careless or self-indulgent manner that is never finely crafted? The word 'shit' does suggest this. Excrement is not designed or crafted at all. It is merely emitted (or dumped).&quot; So, while the game did not actually come out of somebody's asshole, it sure CAME OUT in the same manner!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Thankfully, Virtual Hydlide is over. The credits play, and ya get the List of Shame, set to some shitty stock JPEGs of the countryside. You wasted precious hours of your life, to give yourself eyestrain and motion sickness, and all you get is a fucking &quot;Congratulations!&quot; screen. Well, at least they spelled it right. Anyway, ''Virtual Hydlide'' is literally &quot;Bullshit&quot;. Oh, that's right; where'd I throw the book? Ah, well... whatever. I don't have anything planned anyway, so... (''scrolls up like a cel sheet, revealing a &quot;Conglaturation!!!&quot; message'')

=== Amiga CD³²™ ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''[unable to play the CD³²]'' Oh, that's perfect. I have to hold the disc hatch down just to get the game to spin. What, did I really expect this thing to work? I don't even want to play this piece of fuck to begin with, let alone one-handed, holding the thing down to get it to function.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing'' Dangerous Streets] Right off the bat, this is possibly the worst group of fighting game characters I've ever seen. Lookin' back at ''Street Fighter'' and ''Mortal Kombat'', each game had a group of memorable characters, like: Ryu, Guile, Scorpion, Liu Kang! This game has Futuristic Tommy Wiseau, Asscheek Lady, Spring Shoe Guy, Fat Guy with His Pants Undone, and a Native American guy '''TAKIN' A SHIT!''' And, there's this guy who was &quot;born in Pennsylvania&quot;... which just confuses the shit outta me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing'' Gloom] You collect bouncing balls for guns, and baby bottles for health! What is this, like a ''spoof?!'' Like ''PO'ed''? Yeah, the game where you're shooting butts! But, that was done on purpose, as a ''parody! ''This one, '''it's just a fuckin' watered-down piece of shit'' Doom ''knockoff!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing'' Bubba 'n Stix] The gameplay is kinda like a puzzle platformer, where you have to use Stix to get past obstacles, like using him to pry this rock up, or sticking him into the wall to use as a platform. This part right here is pretty funny. You have to get close to these weird guys without interrupting their conversation, and then throw Stix, the character, at them. The graphics are really nice, too. It's cartoony and colorful, but not like the rainbow vomit from ''Oscar''. This is actually a good game. At least, until I get to the second level and I can't figure out what to do. And, I don't have the time to figure it out, so...oh, well, I guess we gotta move on. But, I can give this one the Nerd stamp of not shit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''James D. Rolfe''': ''[receiving a call from the Nerd about a scene from the ''Surf Ninjas'' game]'' This is Cinemassacre Video, where selection is the name of the game. This is James speaking. How may I help you?
:'''The Nerd''': Yeah, okay, I just wanna ask you a quick question.
:'''James D. Rolfe''': Sure thing. Go right ahead.
:'''The Nerd''': Have you ever watched the movie, ''Surf Ninjas?''
:'''James D. Rolfe''': Yeah. In fact, I just had a chat with a bunch of friends all about that. Did you know that the costume designer was the same in ''Street Fighter: The Movie?'' That would explain all the blue camouflage--
:'''The Nerd''': Okay, okay. Look-look-look-look. I just wanna ask a fucking question. In the movie, ''Surf Ninjas,'' does anybody rip someone's heart out, Kano-style?
:'''James D. Rolfe''': Um... no, I don't think that happened in the movie.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[hangs up abruptly]'' See? I knew it.
:'''James D. Rolfe''': Hello? ''Hello?'' ''[sighs and hangs up phone; annoyed]'' Wow. What an asshole.

=== The Town With No Name ===
:'''The Nerd:''' ''[after he beats The Town With No Name]'' Well, that's it. And the good news is I never have to play the Amiga CD³² ever again, and just to make sure this time, I'm sending this thing back to the depths of Hell!
:''[Nerd picks up the SNES Super Scope and Sega Menacer, and starts firing on the Amiga CD³² like crazy, then he puts them down and starts firing hadoukens etc.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' You know what? Fuck this digital shit. Because, this thing needs to be destroyed for real. I'm not jokin' around; I'm goin' practical. I'm gonna do the real fuckin' deal. 
:''[in the backyard, The Nerd puts the soon-to-be-dead Amiga CD³² on the table, brings a Boring Company flamethrower and fires at the console]''
:'''The Nerd:'''  '''''HOW'S THAT FOR PRACTICAL?!''''' ''[the battery inside the Amiga CD³² explodes]'' '''''YEAH! BURN, BABY, BURN! YEEEAAAHHHH!!!''''' ''[Amiga CD³² melts down slowly]'' '''''WHEW, BOY! YE-HE-HE-HE-HEAAAH!!!'''''

=== Home Alone ===
:'''The Nerd''': (''looking down at a box of pizza delivered by Macaulay Culkin as a pizza delivery boy'') What's this?
:'''Pizza Boy''': A lovely cheese pizza; just for you.
:'''The Nerd''': You got the wrong house; I didn't order any pizza. But I'll take it anyway.
:(''He opens the pizza box to find'' Home Alone ''games on different consoles''.)
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, not funny.
:'''Pizza Boy''': Think of it as a gift; you owe it to yourself to play those games. I hear they're awesome.
:'''The Nerd''': No, they're not! Besides... I already reviewed both NES games: that first one where you're laying traps around the house that are enclosed in square tiles for no reason, where you're walkin' up the stairs like you took a dump, and that second one where you're running through the hotel, slidin' on your knees, fighting mops, vacuum cleaners and suitcases, and a chef that takes off his clothes. I'm already done with that, so get this shit out of here! And you better believe I'm leavin' a bad Yelp review.
:'''Pizza Boy''': That's just the NES versions; maybe the rest of them are better. I mean, look at how many of them there are, I mean, they can't all be bad... can they?
:'''The Nerd''': I admit I haven't played the rest. Have you?
:'''Pizza Boy''': No, but they all have Macaulay Culkin in them. I mean, how could you go wrong?
:'''The Nerd''': Well, maybe if they're not as bad as the NES games...
:'''Pizza Boy''': Come on. Everyone in the world shits on these games, and maybe you could change the world's mind. I mean, come on.
:'''The Nerd''': Okay, fine! But you're not going anywhere! You're gonna sit right here and suffer with me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': (''covering the PS2'' Home Alone ''game'') The biggest anomaly of the group is definitely the PS2 version. It was only released in Europe in 2006. Yeah, a while after the movie!
:'''Pizza Boy''': Yeah, but that movie is just timeless.
:'''The Nerd''': It is, but this game, by all known laws of physics in the universe, has no right to exist! The mere idea would baffle the greatest scientific minds of our time. ''(holding the case)'' Besides, the style is completely different: it doesn't look anything like the movies, looks nothing like Macaulay Culkin, I don't even know why we're talking about it, so let's just pretend it doesn't exist.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': (''playing the SNES'' Home Alone ''game'') The object of is to run around the house, collecting valuable items to hide from the criminals. You can only hold a certain amount. When your hands are full, you have to drop them down a laundry chute which leads into a giant vault in the basement! Or Goro's lair, or whatever the hell this is.
:'''Pizza Boy''': Look, I know the movie was a long time ago and stuff, but I don't remember Kevin gathering together... candlesticks, money bags and giant emerald rings, and then, throwing them down a laundry chute? But what do I know?
:'''The Nerd''': The items are found in the most random places, (''sees Kevin fish a whole pizza out of a toilet'') like in a... toilet?! Wh-- I found an entire goddamn pizza! In a toilet!
:'''Pizza Boy''': (disgusted) Kevin would never grab anything out of a toilet...
:'''The Nerd''': (equally disgusted) Augh! Yeah, not even a pizza. I'm sure of it.
:'''Pizza Boy''': Yeah... Yeah... I mean, maybe I would have. You know, back in my... heady days.
:'''The Nerd''': You would have grabbed something out of a toilet?
:'''Pizza Boy''': Yeah.
:'''The Nerd''': Pizza?
:'''Pizza Boy''': You've never had toilet pizza?
:'''The Nerd''': Yeah.
:'''Pizza Boy''': Yeah.
:'''The Nerd''': Pizza shit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Pizza Boy''': Did they really think I grew up in a house where giant frogs roam free in the hall? &quot;Yeah, we just had those suckers hoppin' all around, all the time! Mr. Frog House!&quot; I've never had to collect 35 pets, drop them down a laundry chute, and into a bank vault! Are you fucking kidding me?! What kind of asshole does this game think I am?! I can't believe they'd get away with this... I mean... you go to the store and... you see your face on a cartridge, and go like &quot;I wanna play with myself, all day long!&quot;Every kid deserves a video game based on themselves, am I right?  But no. No, they shat on me! They shat on my legacy! (''begins crying'') What am I gonna do?!
:'''The Nerd''': Wait a minute... You're not a real pizza boy! (''rips of name tag'') You're... M-- M-- Maculkin! I'm playin' ''Home Alone'' games... ...with Macaulay Culkin!!! (''screams a la Kevin'')
:'''Culkin''': Really? Really... Never seen that before. That's-- that's new. Can we just get back to the fucking games?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Culkin''': (''playing the SNES'' Home Alone 2 ''game'') Why is the entire hotel trying to kill me? I mean-- they have a bunch of fuckin' bombs behind the check-in desks! I mean, do they hate their child customers so much that they have to lob lobby bombs at them? And yes, that was pretty hard to say!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Culkin''': (''while battling Harry and Marv at the tree'') Y'know, once I had to fight a demonic tree... It was terrible... I don't know how the game developers found that out.
:'''The Nerd''': &quot;Demonic evil tree&quot;? They-- They exist? And this... this happened to you? Do you remember, like, what... ...um, how did it... happen? Li-- what...
:'''Culkin''': It was a long time ago.
:'''The Nerd''': I know, I know, it's--
:'''Culkin''': DON'T TOUCH ME!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': (''playing'' Home Alone 2 ''for Genesis'') Well, this is off to a frustrating start. Why is everyone in the entire airport tryna kill you? What did Kevin do to instigate all this?
:'''Culkin''': I mean, maybe because they had me pelting innocent businessmen with baseballs? &quot;Here comes Kevin McAllister; he gives 'em a big ol' concussion with a fuckin' baseball!&quot; Right to the dome, look at that! Bam! I'm shooting a poor balloon salesman... and stealing his balloons to get past the TSA. They're making me a fuggin' asshole!
:'''The Nerd''': At least you get to see Kevin take out airport security with a water fountain. And then they all just fall through the floor, while Kevin looks at you like, &quot;What the fuck?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Culkin''': This game is like... poop! From a... a buffalo butt!
:'''The Nerd''': Diarrhea, it's gotta be diarrhea! Just go for it!
:'''Culkin''': Okay! I got it...! I would rather do a human centipede with the Wet Bandits! Marv in my mouth, HARRY IN MY ASS! I'll turn them into the Sticky Bandits!
:'''The Nerd''': (disgusted) Augh, dude! Augh!
:'''Culkin''': No, think about it. Think about it. Close your eyes.
:'''The Nerd''': Naw, I-- No I don't....
:'''Culkin''': No....
:'''The Nerd''': And that's from the web series that brought you &quot;Shredder's my ass and Splinter's my balls!&quot;

== Season Thirteen ==

=== Chronologically Confused about Kingdom Hearts Timeline ===

=== Video Game Magazines ===

=== Aladdin Deck Enhancer (NES) ===
:'''The Nerd''': Aladdin took an upper-decker in my toilet!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': (after he plays the same Micro Machines game, he sighs) The games are exactly the same. There's no difference! The deck enhancer is an add-on that adds nothing! They sold you the same games with some assembly required. It'll be like getting a new sprayer for your garden hose, but it doesn't fit, unless you get some special adapter. So you buy the adapter, but the sprayer still doesn't fit. So now, you have to find a completely different sprayer that only exists in special stores, and then you find out it works the same as the old sprayer, doing a no better job washing away the horseshit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': That box is a prime example of false advertising. Upgrade your Ninfuckingtendo Entertainment System? More like UPPER DECKING IT! And that's not a joke. I mean it. It is the electronic equivalent of an upper-decker. With the Aladdin, the components that normally go inside an NES cartridge are instead deposited into the deck. In the same way, the turds, which are usually preferred to land in the toilet bowl, are instead dumped into the upper tank. Therefore when the toilet is flushed, the bowl fills with shit water, and after that, it's the shit that keeps on giving. Would you consider that an enhancement to your toilet? Well, give it a try, and you'll know EXACTLY what the Aladdin does to your NES! Why does the box say &quot;Aladdin is the future in console gameplay&quot;? The Sega Genesis and Super Nintendo were already out! That's like saying you invented a brand new car that's got new safety features, and uses clean energy, but it's got pillows tied to it and it runs on coal! This thing had no future at all! All the &quot;Coming Soon&quot; games were cancelled, and Camerica went out of business right after this thing was... released? (He weakenly laughs, then he shouts) They went out of business right after it was ANNOUNCED! (He stammers, then he picks up the box and gets hit by the instructions) I—it was a death sentence! A curse! A curse that shrouds its release status in all-consuming mystery! Not even the Gaming Historian found any clear proof that it ever got officially released. I mean, sure, it got made an—and discovered thanks to inventory liquidators and eBay, bu—but if this thing never officially came out, then not only did it not have any future... it didn't have any past, either! How am I supposed to take you back to the past, when there's no fucking past?! I have no business complaining about something that didn't even come out! I wasted my breath! Why did I have to find this thing?! Aahh, I might as well just be diggin' into the Devil's asshole! Fuck!
:''(The Genie appears filled with sewage from a septic tank that previously came from the Nerd's second wish.)''
:'''The Genie''': Hey, I'm back.
:'''The Nerd''': What are you doing back here?
:'''The Genie''': Look, man, I'm just here to grant your last wish so I can get out of here.
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, yeah, that's right. I get one more wish. Okay, well, for my last wish... I wish... you know, I think we've both suffered enough. Yeah, so... I wish... every Aladdin Deck Enhancer, on the whole planet Earth... will fucking explode.
:'''The Genie''': You got it, dude! Smell ya later!

=== Pepsiman (PS1) ===
:'''The Nerd''': (''given the PS1'' Pepsiman ''game'')  Well thanks Pepsiman, that's very interesting. But i have other junk food games like I could play, like ''Cool Spot''. (''Cool Spot'' is turned into ''Pepsiman'') Oh, come on! Oh well, I could always play ''Chester Cheetah''! (''Chester Cheetah'' is turned into ''Pepsiman'') Aw! Well how 'bout uh... ''Big Bumpin''? (Big Bumpin' ''is turned into'' Pepsiman) Aw, man... How 'bout uh... ''Kool-Aid Man''? (Kool-Aid Man ''is turned into'' Pepsiman) Goddammit, you silly fuck! I don't wanna play ''Pepsiman''! (''Pepsiman opens his mouth and hisses menacingly'') Okay, Jeez! I'll play ''Pepsiman''!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Mm-Mm, that's enough for me, this game's too monotonous! ''[Gets up to leave]''
:''[Pepsiman grabs the Nerd and forces him back onto the couch]''
:'''Pepsiman''': ''[Hisses angrily]''
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, dude, DUDE! Your breath! It smells like tooth decay! Here, have some Mentos! ''[Produces a packet of Mentos]''
:'''Pepsiman''': ''[Screams and retreats]''
:'''The Nerd''': Wow! Um... that worked Thanks to Mentos!
:''[Close-up of the Nerd with the Mentos logo]''
:'''Announcer''': Mentos! The Freshmaker!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': You know, Pepsiman is a rather sad tale. Pepsiman can make Pepsi for everybody... except himself.
:''[Pepsiman hangs his head sadly]''
:'''Singers''': ''[Pitched down]'' ''#PEPSIMAAAAN!#''

=== Superman 64 Returns!! ===
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, no! They move!! Why do they have to move?! Ooh, wow! Yeah, they really change it up!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Well, this is the ugliest digital Superman face I've ever seen! ''[a shot of Superman's face from [[Justice League (2017 film)|Justice League]], which was digitally edited to remove Henry Cavill's moustache]'' Second-ugliest.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': You wanna know the worst thing about those ring levels? Right when you're getting the hang of it, the game will glitch, and send you flying across the map - for no goddamn motherFUCKING reason! So y'have to backtrack or restart.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': If you get too far away, a Shadow Guy will spawn in front of her. And I am so sick of saying &quot;Shadow Guy&quot;!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': [after a weak boss battle] Again?
''[cut to even more rings]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[horrified]'' '''AGAIN?!''' ''[runs into the camera screaming]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[after the final boss battle]'' Y'wanna know somethin' else that's a real kick in the ass? In recent years, a ROM of the game surfaced which was of the unreleased PlayStation version, and it actually looks... alright. The levels look unique, the bad guys look cooler, the controls... don't seem great, but it looks like they work! According to Tit-us, after all the changes they were forced to make for the Nintendo version, their license ran out and they couldn't release it. Instead we got this rancid anus tart of a game vomiting green rings in our face! ''[the antennae-gold cartridge of Superman 64 begins to zap the Superman eyes as the Nerd looks at it and dodges as he grunts and groans thoroughly. He takes out the N64 console and zaps heat vision, slowly heading for the good games.]'' '''''NO-O-O-O-O!!''''' Please, don't! Don't hurt the good, innocent games! ''[takes out the Superman 64 cartridge from the N64, barely saving the good games, and then he breaks the cartridge in plastic. He sighs and [[w:Man of Steel (film)|cries out in agony]].]''

=== Life of Black Tiger with Gilbert Gottfried ===
:'''Fred Fuchs''': WHO THE FUCK GOES THERE? WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?! ANSWER ME, TOUGH GUY, OR I'LL BLAST A HOLE IN YOU SO BIG I CAN STICK MY COCK IN IT! (getting wistful) And I don't wanna brag, but...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Fred Fuchs''': Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just a guy who built a computer in the jungle without electricity or internet. I'm not educated enough for the guy WHO TALKS ABOUT BUFFALO SHIT IN HIS BASEMENT!
:'''The Nerd''': ...I guess that's a good point.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Fred Fuchs''': You might wanna be a bit nicer about the game, considering the fact THAT I'M THE ONE WITH THE MOTHERFUCKING RIFLE!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': &quot;Survive 'till the fixed time&quot;... What, were you fucking stoned when you wrote this?
:'''Fred Fuchs''': Yes.
:'''The Nerd''': Thought so.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Fred Fuchs''': Sometimes, you just gotta run like Hell from your problems.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Fred Fuchs''': It's an artistic interpretation of jungle life, you uncultured swine! I'm a goddamn artist, and this is my masterpiece! Obviously, too artsy-fartsy for your plebeian palate!
:'''The Nerd''': Aren't you doused in urine?
:'''Fred Fuchs''': From head to toe.

=== Chex Quest ===
:'''The Nerd:''' I really need to go food shopping somewhere besides eBay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Seems the game developers enjoyed working on this, and adding their own flavor! To a game... about a cereal... with no flavor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Yes, I'm sorry I didn't have more negative to say, I was really tryin' here, um... I know I haven't filled my curse quota for this episode, so... fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;BRUTAL CHEX!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt; It's Chex... on steroids! &lt;em&gt;ILLEEEGAL&lt;/em&gt; steroids! Made from broken glass, rusty fuckin' nails, and whole grain rice. This cereal will start your day... if it doesn't end your life! Fortified with calcium from the bones of fallen angel wings! The only cereal eaten by both God &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; Satan! It's a straight kick to your Muddy Buddies - and Brutal Chex turns your milk &lt;em&gt;RED, FROM YOUR OWN BLOOD&lt;/em&gt; POURING OUT OF YOUR &lt;em&gt;FUCKING SCREAMING MOOOOOOOUTH!&lt;/em&gt; (50 free hours of America Online included.)

=== [[w:Trespasser (video game)|Jurassic Park: Trespasser]] ===

=== [[w:The Immortal (video game)|The Immortal]] ===
:''[episode opens on magazine pages about The Immortal, along with the box and manual pages. Pan up, Nerd's hand slides the cartridge out of the shelf. He walks over to the floor, lifts the carpet to reveal a secret door, and opens it. The AVGN title card is shown, accompanied by the &quot;The Immortal&quot; title with blood splatter and malicious laughter.]''
:''[A dark dungeon, decorated with skulls and dangling chains. The Nerd appears, wrapped in a cloak and holding the cartridge.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Anguish. Lament. Oh, how hath ye been cursed if thou hath playeth a game as archaically, diarrhetically ''shit-holic'' as ''The Immortal'' on thy NES. Whence I came, my basement chamber above, where I desprayed such demeaning, failed electronic attempts at merriment, but when they're as loathly as thee, it is but I who has thus sworn to suffer as I descend deeper into the catacombs, a place where true shit goes to lie face-first down in smoldering decay; a place where sorrows exceed the souls, and vanquished beings meet their fate. Medieval torture, man; The head-crusher, the rack, the pendulum, the iron maiden, but none as dreadful as ''this.'' Behold.
:''[the game's demo is already playing on a small monitor. The Nerd walks over to it.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Reset, and here we go, the plight begins. Feast your eyes on this accursed nonsense. So, as soon as the game begins, it gives you a warning: &quot;It might be a good idea to move.&quot; Hmm. And it ''kills'' you. Right away, they pull something like ''that.'' At least, they warned you. But it might as well warn you the moment you put this game in, you're doomed... with life. So let's try it again. Into the next room. ''[3 seconds later]'' A-and look at that! They put that right there, right outside the door? Ohhh, one-hit death traps. That's real classy. Let's reset. Okay, here we go. Uh. So, this isometric angle definitely makes things a little difficult. When you're just moving the D-pad all over the place, it kind of just, you know, it's just a guessing game of which direction to push.
:And here we go, you fight the goblin, and it goes into this battle mode, and, to tell you the truth, in the dark ages of 8-bit entertainment, these graphics are a marvelous sight to laud. But, if thine playeth oneself, you shall hear upon cry the tears of despair and agony as thou realize thou caught in an eternal button-masher. Yeah, that's all you do; is just mash buttons. And the thing is, you have a fire attack. I mean, look at this, you can shoot fireballs, but that doesn't work against the goblins. But you talk to this guy here, and, um...yada-yada, forgive my haste. The important thing to know: he gave me a key. And then, I move on to the treasure chest, I use the key...to open the treasure, and I get...20 gold pieces. A bag of bait, and a sack of bad-smelling spores. Hmm. Well, we all know what ''this'' game's a bad-smelling sack of. So into the next room. Uh. As you can see, going diagonal is kinda tough. I'm gonna use the bait on this goblins. Let's just see what happens here. Do it? Yes, of course.
:''[the bait summons a worm that eats the character]''
:'''The Nerd:''' ''[shocked gasp]'' It ''kills'' you! Look, even the ''items'' kill you! ''Wow!'' Now that is a cheap shot. Alright, let's try again. Into the next room, and...dodge the fireballs-- I mean, not, the arrows...and whatever it throws your way. This game throws everything but the kitchen sink-- A-A-And look! Invisible pits?! Confound it all! Ohhh, I beg of you, have pity! Oh, wow, that's a good one. That's classic. Oh, boy. And the thing about this game is the familiar premise of controlling a wizard navigating through a labyrinth of dungeon cells brings to mind similar games like ''Gauntlet,'' or the obvious ''[The Legend of] Zelda.'' ''[chuckles darkly]'' But those examples only conjure up thy false jolly hopes. As thou seen in my lair above, the artwork in the Nintendo Power magazine and in the instruction manual look divine, but nay, it is but filth. The game is naught of all that is goodly, plagued with visuals cursing the eyes of ye of ill mortals to witness. The shades and hues hereupon are like the bile of a dying bear that consumed only skunks, smeared with the milk of a witch's tits, fused with garlic, and drew a dump. Yeah. And there's another goblin. Ugh, it's so repetitive, you just mash those buttons. Like a disorderly arfarfanarf. I'd rather be bescumbered with dysentery. That's worse than diarrhea because it includes blood and mucus. I'm sorry, that's disgusting, but so is this!
:''[a goblin appears behind the Nerd and roars. The Nerd yells in shock, runs to grab a cane from the floor and begins fighting the goblin ''The Immortal''-style.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Curse you, foul, abhorrent beast! ''[defeats the goblin, who drops to the floor.]'' Eureka! A key! ''[grabs the key from behind the goblin and discovers a door.]'' Yonder I shall go, as I proceed in my journey to further experience the tragedy of ''The Immortal.'' Why must it be I, cursed by the gaming gods, to endure this vomitorium? ''[unlocks the door.]'' Yeah, &quot;vomitorium&quot;. Yeah, that, that's an interesting word. It means, or it was thought to have meant a place where the ancient Romans would all vomit during feasts to make room for more food, but that's just a misconception. It actually means a large colosseum passage that large crowds can exit through rapidly. Such as large crowds of vomit particles rapidly exiting a mouth, ''gaping in misery over a '''foul, wretched video game!''''' Anyway, ''The Immortal.'' Let's go.
:''[the Nerd walks through the door and discovers a group of skeletons.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Death. It is all death here. It began as a gamer's revelry. Those making merry, to open the game on birthdays and holidays with the flames of excitement and adventure in their eyes, but as the agonizing torment set in, as the game mercilessly chastised and dominated them, the instinct to survive faded as the flames in their eyes diminished, and one by one, the revelers all dropped to their knees. Challenge is one thing, but in this game, every step can be deadly; Arrows, flames, giant worms, and there's bats that blend with the dark backgrounds. I mean, how can you avoid something which you cannot see? Trap doors are everywhere, which is a cheap shot, no question about it. I mean, can, can I walk here, or will the floor swallow me? I mean, you'll never know. There's no strategy; no reward for skill. Thou must play it repeatedly to memorize where the pits are. These invisible pits are nothing but a cheap, mean-spirited beginner's trap meant to elicit false and ill-earned replay value.
:'''The Nerd:''' And also, if you touch ''anything,'' you die. Step on the wrong floor tile, you die. Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-- You search the same spot more than once, you die. You approach a ladder or try to climb down a hole from the wrong side, you die. You stand still for too long, you die. You see some tiny little pixel that might be something you can pick up? Nay! Chances are it is but death! In other words, bullshit of the lowest standard. And as mentioned, even thine inventory kills you. When you can't even trust the items, what ''can'' you do? Your character is vulnerable to everything, and for a game called ''The Immortal,'' it begs the question: Who is The Immortal? Because it's certainly not the main character.
:'''The Nerd:''' At one point, in the very first level, you get an amulet, which has an incantation on it. You're given the chance to read it, but if you pick &quot;Yes&quot;, you die. However, the amulet is required to beat the level, so don't read that! But I repeat, the item, that is required to beat the level, can also kill you! How could you make a game in the year of 1990 following a wealth of other games and ignore all that was done previously right? ''What art thou thinking?'' This was made by Electronic Arts? More like Electronic '''''FAAAAAAARTS!'''''
:''[the Nerd drops down to the floor and rests near a stone.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Ugh. And, just-- Oh, for...fucking hell, this forsaken dungeon. And if you thought this torture couldn't get any worse, it does, by enlightening you on how the game could have been better. It was originally made for PCs, like the Apple IIGS, the Amiga, the Atari ST and Sega Genesis. And it's no surprise the Genesis version is better, but all of them had much cleaner graphics. I mean, they're bright and they look more crisp, and plus, the other versions, especially the Genesis, had gore! Yeah! Fatalities, years before ''Mortal Kombat.'' Heads get sliced off, and, look at that, bodies get cut in half vertically, heads explode. I mean, this is-- this game had balls, but it was neutered on the NES. And wouldn't you think the NES, the flagship of all nostalgic video game consoles, would be home to an acceptable version of this? It was a good game. It was a good game. It even-- It even had gore! And-- And I was just playing a bad version all along on the NES. Ugh. ''[sobs angrily]'' Why? Why?! Ugh!
:'''The Nerd:''' Ohh, I-- I can't take it anymore! I thought I knew shit, but nothing could prepare me for this repulsive dung heap! It's a repetitive task, going through the same motions, only to progress one inch closer to the goal. It taunts you; The game knows. It allows you to get one step slightly further. It's like running a hundred-meter dash, but with a bungee cord attached. As soon as you make it near the finish line, it ''yanks'' you back. It's a journey so far travelled, yet barely have you gone forward.
:'''The Nerd:''' And however, if you do make it to the end by some miracle, you have to face a dragon. That's right, it always ends with a dragon. So with this dragon, you're powerless to fight him; you can only use defensive maneuvers. So what you need to do here...is dodge...six of the, the fire breaths with six blink spells. Now, you only have six blink spells, so if you miss one, then you're done; you have to start over. And this dragon, sometimes it shoots the fire right away, other times it leans back and, like, fakes you out. So, you have to memorize the pattern. And that's not all. There's a seventh breath where you have to use the fire protection spell, and again, it's all at a ''very specific time.'' If you miss it, it's over. And that's what sums up this game: just memorizing patterns, and knowing which items to use in which order, i-it's all cryptic trial of error. Just like ''Dragon's Lair.''
:'''The Nerd:''' Ohh, ''The Immortal'' will live on forever as a sadistic, demented electronic mechanism of human suffering. Ohh! Some masochistic alchemist invented this concoction of death traps, awkward combat, stiff controls, items that kill you, constantly dying and starting over. It only leaves you with frustration, anger, sadness and crippling disappointment, emotions that belong nowhere near video games. And when the manual's more fun to read than playing the actual game, you ''know'' you're in trouble. I long for a time when I knew not what this game was. I long for the ''Big Rigs,'' the LJNs, the Fred Fuchs of yesteryear! I rue the day I ever became trapped in ''The Immortal,'' '''''a game where I've stared at the same room so long, the pixelated walls have become my eternal home! I RUE THE DAY I WAS BORN UPON THIS EARTH WHICH HAD SPAWNED SUCH PRIMORDIAL, PUTRID ENGINEERS CAPABLE OF CREATING SOMETHING SO APOCALYPTICALLY HORRID!''''' ''[puts his hands on his chest and moans]'' '''''NEVER SHALL I TOUCH A GAME LIKE THIS AGAIN! I'd rather have a warlord...SHOVE A MORNINGSTAR UP MY ASS!''''' ''[a light comes on from off screen]'' Ah. The light. I must escape. This way.
:''[the Nerd walks away from the wall, and into a cave, where he comes face to face with a growling dragon.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Oh! ''[ducks]'' Oh, good lord! ''[ducks]'' Ah! Ah! Begone, vile fiend! ''[ducks]'' Ahh! Oh, my-- It's futile. I can't win. Smite me, you will. Incinerate me! Banish me to Hell if you wish! ''If Hell is the way out, then Hell it shall be! '''AAAAH!'''''
:''[the Nerd falls to the dragon's fire. The dragon flows off screen.]''

=== Spawn Games ===

=== The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask ===

== Season Fourteen ==

=== Raid 2020 ===

=== Mortal Kombat 1 Ports ===

=== Mortal Kombat Rip-Offs ===

=== Dennis the Menace ===

=== The Incredible Crash Dummies ===

=== Bad Final Fight Games ===

=== Mission Impossible ===

=== Ecco the Dolphin ===

=== Countdown Vampires ===

=== The Legend of Kage ===

=== Taito Legends ===

=== The Simpsons: Bartman Meets Radioactive Man ===

== Season Fifteen ==

=== Shrek: Fairy Tale Freakdown ===

=== Darkman ===

=== Fear and Loathing in Vegas Stakes ===

=== 3DO Interactive Player ===

=== Corpse Killer ===

=== Sega Game Gear VHS Tapes ===

=== Carmaggedon 64 ===

=== Pac-Man 2: The New Adventures ===

=== The Rocketeer ===

=== Greendog: The Beached Surfer Dude ===

=== Commodore 64 ===

=== Freddy and Jason Commodore 64 ===

=== LJN Games Part One (Movie Games) ===

=== LJN Games Part Two (Sports and Marvel Games) ===

=== LJN Games Part Three (Wrestling and Other Games) ===

== Season Sixteen ==

=== The Last Ninja (NES) ===

== External links==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Angry Video Game Nerd, The}}
[[Category:Internet shows]]</text>
      <sha1>jwb7691yt936344zxszzx3wpwcdd6jd</sha1>
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    <revision>
      <id>3153553</id>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-11T13:48:30Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="416213" xml:space="preserve">'''''[[w:The Angry Video Game Nerd|The Angry Video Game Nerd]]''''' is an Internet series based on a main character, the &quot;Nerd&quot;, created and portrayed by James D. Rolfe. In each episode, the Nerd reviews a terrible video game and rants about it using [[Profanity|profane language]]. Mike Matei helps Rolfe by playing guest characters in certain episodes (Bugs Bunny, The Joker, etc.). Kyle Justin sings and plays the theme song written by Rolfe.

The first two episodes were made in 2004 by Rolfe as a joke to his friends but in 2006, Matei suggested to Rolfe that it should become a regular series.

== Pilots ==

=== [[w:Castlevania II: Simon's Quest|Castlevania II: Simon's Quest]] ===

:''[First line of the series]''
:'''AVGN''': This game sucks. Castlevania I and III are great classic Nintendo games, but for ''[[w: Castlevania II: Simon's Quest|Castlevania II: Simon's Quest]],''  the game designers obviously were not thinking straight.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(complaining about how the game regularly interrupts itself with long, unskippable day-to-night transitions with a text box saying &quot;'''WHAT A HORRIBLE NIGHT TO HAVE A CURSE.'''&quot;)'' Why does this need to happen so often? Like, every five minutes? Why does it take so long? Nobody feels like sitting through this every time. How would you like it if you were playin' a game and then every five minutes I came over, and paused it, then counted ten tedious seconds, and then let you continue play the game? Now, I mean, why did they think that that would be a good idea and interrupt the gameplay, did they think it would be more realistic? I mean, in real life I don't have to stop in my tracks when the sun sets and a fuckin' box doesn't pop up in the air. I mean, this is one of the most annoying features in any game ever. What's the point? Yeah, the, I mean, the monsters are stronger at night and the stores are closed, but why's that necessary and why does the game have to stop? It's fuckin' retarded. And why do you have to die when you fall in the water? That's the stupidest thing I've ever seen. [[w:List_of_Castlevania_characters#Simon Belmont|This guy]] can go all over fightin' hordes of evil monsters, but he can't even fuckin' swim?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN:''' Oh, look, I finally got enough hearts to go and buy a plant that I need to cross the swamp, now let me get to the store. ''(nighttime falls)''  Oh shit, it's fuckin' night time, now the stores are all closed and I have to wait for it to turn day again. Oh well, I might as well kill some zombies in the meantime and stock up on some more hearts. ''(falls into water and dies)'' OH SHIT! Now I gotta start all over again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Here, in the dungeons, there's books that you may find which actually give you clues about things in the game that you may need to know about. But, when I find these books, half the time it's by accident, so I may hit the button and cancel it out which means I don't even get to read it and I don't have a second chance. Why can't I do that when it changes from day to night? That would actually be helpful. So, what the game designers figured is this: it isn't absolutely necessary for me to read about how to find Dracula's castle or what I'm supposed to do with an Oak Stake, but what I do need to read, again and again constantly, is: &quot;The morning sun has vanquished the horrible night&quot;. How about ''&quot;vanquished this horrible GAME&quot;?''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(using the password feature to skip to the end of the game and having to input 16 characters)'' The only sure way to get through this awful game is to enter a code, but even that is way more tedious than it should be. While most of the ''Castlevania'' games have symbols you enter for a code, this one just has a whole bunch of numbers. I mean, like, one of those [four-character]little parts would be enough for a password. But why four? Like why so many? In general, I hate games that have passwords like this, because sometimes they have uppercase and lowercase letters. Like the l's, you know, look like I's, the 0's look like O's, the 8's look like 5's so, why does there have to be so many digits? Y'know, like why can't it just be numbers or somethin'? Like, y' know, just numbers and not letters? I mean, it takes me, like, five minutes to enter this code when it should only take, like, five seconds. It's friggin' stupid. Okay, so, say we enter the code, and we go to Dracula's castle. You'll be pretty disappointed how anticlimactic this game is. It isn't even worth putting in a code, let alone playing the whole game all the way through, which, if you did, I feel bad for you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': What a piece of fuck. I mean, I feel horrible that I had to play this game in order to make this video, but I did it to demonstrate its dreadfulness and I forced myself to play it just so that you don't have to. So, you should thank me for telling you to stay away from this horrible steaming pile of goat fuck.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Thank you for listening, good night. The ending sucks too.

=== [[w:Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (video game)|Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde]] ===
:'''AVGN''':  ''[[w:Pong|Pong]]'' is better. Pong is only, like, three lines and a ball. Those little [[w:Tiger Electronics|Tiger]], like, electronic wrist games, ''those'' are better than Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. It makes no fucking sense! It's like, what were they thinking? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''[looking at the cartridge]'' Here it is, here's the piece of shit game. ''[looks at the price tag, which reads 89 cents]'' Who the hell spent this much fuckin' money on this game?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''':  I mean, if you ever find the game, if you ever see it, smash it. Smash it with a hammer. Smash it 'til every tiny fragment is, like, is so small it's invisible. I mean... you'd rather superglue your fuckhole shut than play that game. You'd rather drown in gasoline. You'd rather... you know, th-the thing is... you think I'm joking, like I'm trying to be funny or something. No, the fact that that game exists is a horrible abomination of mankind. That game is so fucking horrible, and I am not kidding. I am dead fuckin' serious. ''[close-up of the Nerd]'' DEAD... FUCKIN'... SERIOUS. ''[fade-out as the Nerd nervously laughs]''

== Season One ==

=== [[w:The Karate Kid (video game)|The Karate Kid]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': I ''hate'' this game. I mean, it makes me wanna kill myself. Now, the only comforting thing to know is that everybody seems to share my frustration. ''Karate Kid'' is a game, that has haunted many of our childhoods. I mean, everybody has the same story: &quot;I loved the movie, so I got the Nintendo game, and I couldn't stand it, yet I had to keep on playing it, because I had to beat it.&quot; So, what is it about this game, that's drawn so many unfortunate kids to turn into bitter adults, reminiscing on their angry childhood; screamin' at the TV, throwin' the controllers? I mean, anybody who has beaten this incredibly hard piece of shit will not have any sense of satisfaction but, rather regrets, because it is a complete waste of fuckin' time. I mean, it's like coming out of a brutal fight, being the winner, but achieving nothing for all your troubles but some bloody bruises and broken bones. It's just not worth it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': (''dies in a pit'') I hate this game, but why am I playing it? Well, that's the question everyone has asked themselves. And they all have the same reason: because you're angry and you wanna win. You wanna beat the Nintendo, but the cold fact is that nobody cares but you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Man, I guess they decided because the game's only four levels long, it better be the hardest four levels ever. Well, how 'bout this, how about if I made a game where there's just this one cliff you have to jump over and it's like nearly impossible, but if you do it, you win the game and that's it. I mean, what the hell were they thinkin' with this piece of shit? What the hell? Now, if you're a serious Nintendo collector, do yourself a favor, don't get this game, because it's not worth it. I mean, it's made many lives miserable and, y'know, if you see it on sale for a dollar, just stay away. Don't even touch it. ''[spits on cartridge and flushes it down the toilet.]''

=== [[w:Who Framed Roger Rabbit (Nintendo Entertainment System)|Who Framed Roger Rabbit]] ===
:'''AVGN''': ''(talking to a lady after punching her)'' &quot;'''CAN YOU HELP ME'''&quot;, &quot;'''GO AWAY, YOU HORRID MAN'''&quot;... how about &quot;Go away, you HORRID GAME!&quot;?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(gets game over and sees a 20 character password)'' And look at this! Th-this is the longest password ever! Would it have killed them to make this any shorter? It takes forever! Like, why should any game, take like ten minutes to type in the fuckin' password?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(calling Jessica Rabbit on the phone)'' This is Jessica Rabbit? Well, I got your number and I'm callin' just to say &quot;FUCK YOU!&quot;
:'''Jessica Rabbit''': I hope you're proud of yourself!
:'''AVGN''': Yeah, well, I hope you're proud of yourself, and you know what I mean, ya fuckin' whore.
:'''Jessica Rabbit''': I'm not bad. I'm just drawn that way.
:'''AVGN''': Yeah, well, wait 'til I draw your suicide note in your own blood, you bunny fuckin' bitch. I'm comin' over and I'm gonna kill you. I'm gonna kill your whole motherfuckin' family! ''(returns to playing the game)'' Alright, well now I got that out of my system, let's continue with the game.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': All right, the game sucks, end of story; I wanna nail Roger Rabbit to the fuckin' cross.

=== [[w:Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1989 video game)|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]] ===
:'''AVGN''': You may even think I'm tryin' to compare it to the sequels, which are far superior. Two-player, arcade action, beat up a bunch of Foot Soldiers. Good stuff. But, this first one is garbage

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': April O'Neil says: &quot;You have my support.&quot; Okay. What the hell did she ever do for you? Stupid banana raincoat wearin' bitch.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(in the sewers level, as an enemy causes the on-screen turtle to fall in rushing water)'' Ughhh, you son of a fuck! And you know what pisses me off? They're turtles, for fuck's sakes! They can't even swim?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Aw, you fuckrat! This is just a bunch of cockadookie, this is bullfuck.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Cowabunga... Cow-a-FUCKIN' PIECE OF DOGSHIT! This game is diarrhea comin' outta my dick! This game is as appealing as a fuckin' ooze-infested dirty fuckin' sewer rat shit! I've had more fun playing with dog turds! [[w:Shredder (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Shredder's]] my ass and [[w:Splinter (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Splinter's]] my balls! This game is an inside-out asshole regurgitating putrid anal fecal matter! I'd rather fuckin' yank all the hairs out of my scrotum! I'd rather drink diarrhea vomited out of a buffalo's anus! It suckin' fucks, it fuckin' sucks, IT FUCKIN' BLOWS, IT'S A PIECEASHIT... and I don't like it.

=== [[w:Back to the Future (NES video game)|Back to the Future]] ===
:'''AVGN''': ''(on the repetitive music)'' I'd rather have a fucking buffalo take a diarrhea dump in my ear than subject them to this horrendous garbage.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(on the nonsensical in-game representation of Hill Valley and all the obstacles Marty McFly must deal with)'' What happened here? Is this Hill Valley or is it Hell?
:'''Doc Brown:''' No, it's Hill Valley, although I can't imagine Hell being much worse!

&lt;hr width =&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Like, if I just shat into a bag, and wrote ''&quot;Back to the Future&quot;'' on it, that would be the same as this awful piece of shit. It brings my piss to a boil. What a piece of shit! I'll never play it again, either. It's my last time. ''(scoffs)'' I'd rather eat out the rotten asshole of a roadkill skunk than play this game, ever again. And I'm dead serious, too. And do you know what's worse? You know what's - what's really worse? Guess what? There's a sequel!
:'''Marty:''' NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
:'''AVGN''': ''playing [[w:Back to the Future II &amp; III|Back to the Future II &amp; III]]'' Yes, it's true. ''Back to the Future II &amp; III''. Two shitty games for the price of one. Let's check it out.

=== [[w:M.C. Kids|M.C. Kids]] ===
:'''AVGN''': So there's Ronald with his magic bag... bag of hallucinogenic drugs. I always thought that clown was one scary motherfucker.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Then you go to Grimace's board. Here's Grimace, the big purple fuck. Look at his house! It looks like Barney the Dinosaur's testicle.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': It never ends with this game; it’s just like an infinite turd coming out of my ass.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(Explaining a 1-Up gathering trick)'' So if you have an hour to waste, then, there you go. Have fun. You're completely wasting your time, anyway, if playing this game, as I am. Let alone make a fucking video about it. Some people like to call 1-ups &quot;extra guys&quot; or &quot;free mans&quot;. I like to call 'em life insurance.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(At the end of the review)'' Toasty!

=== [[w:Wally Bear and the NO! Gang|Wally Bear and the NO! Gang]] ===
:'''AVGN''': And what's this button for? &quot;PRESS HERE&quot;? Seriously, press here? What for? I mean is it supposed to be telling you how to push the game down? Like, how to put the game into the system? Well, I-I can't really push on it when it's inside the Nintendo. You know, did they really think kids are that stupid? I mean, it should just say, &quot;PRESS HERE, YOU DUMB FUCK!&quot; Like some kid's gonna be like, &quot;Uhhh, duhh, how do I put the game in?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Back in the '80s, it seemed like there were all these characters tryin' to keep kids off of drugs. Whether it was [[w:McGruff the Crime Dog|Mcgruff]], or [[w:Pee-wee Herman|Pee-wee]], or [[w:Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue|the combined efforts of Alf, Michaelangelo, Bugs Bunny and Miss Piggy]] And... this game, I'm sure it didn't help kids stay off drugs at all. In fact, I'm sure the people who made it were on something. So, avoid it at all costs, unless... you are fucked up on drugs. So in that case, let's say NO to drugs... ''(drinking his Rolling Rock)'' and let's say NO to this fuckin' game.

=== [[w:Master Chu and the Drunkard Hu|Master Chu and the Drunkard Hu]] ===
:'''AVGN''': So, yeah, it's a weird game, and you can just tell just by the cartridge. It's one of those weird baby blue cartridges, so you can tell right of the bat that it's a big piece of fucking shit.
:'''Shit Pickle''': Pickle.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': There's only one reason to buy this game. And that's to be able to say, &quot;I own ''Master Chu and the Drunkard Hu'',&quot; so people can awkwardly stare at you.
:'''Shit Pickle''': Shit-pickle-shit-pickle-shit-pickle-shit-pickle.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(Shit Pickle plays the game.)'' So, what do you think?
:'''Shit Pickle''': Shit!
:'''AVGN''': Exactly.

=== [[w:Top Gun (video game)|Top Gun]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': (on the landing sequence) You know, it's like every time I get to this part, I think I might have a chance. This is gonna be it. I'm finally going to land the plane. ''(reading the on-screen directions)'' '''&quot;Speed down. Left, left. Speed up. Right, right! Speed up! Speed down! Left, left! Speed up! Speed down. Up, up! Up, up!&quot;''' I'm hitting up.
''[The Nerd sweats profusely getting closer to the TV. The plane misses the aircraft carrier and crashes into the ocean''.]
:'''The Nerd''': '''''ASSSS! FUUUUCK!'''''

=== [[w: Double Dragon III|Double Dragon III]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Ooh, I know what you're thinking. &quot;How dare you pick on ''Double Dragon''?&quot; But I'm not. [[w:Double Dragon|''Double Dragon'']]'s awesome! So is [[w:Double Dragon II|''Double Dragon II: The Revenge'']]. But ''Double Dragon III: The Sacred Stones'' is just a fucking waste.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(Playing the two-player game, on the introductory cutscene)'' Now, just like the one-player game, it starts off with the story sequence, but this time it shows both the Double Dragons, Billy and Jimmy Lee. Oh, wait... '''''Bimmy and Jimmy'''?'' How'd they make a mistake like this!? '''''Bimmy''''' isn't even a real name! How did this happen!? They didn't even proofread this shitty game before they released it? '''''Bimmy and Jimmy?''''' I'm sorry, I just can't get over that. '''''Bimmy and Jimmy.''''' There's a typo in a Nintendo game, let alone a fucking ''Double Dragon'' game, and it's the first screen!

=== [[w:Friday the 13th (NES game)|Friday the 13th]] ===
:'''AVGN''': Oh, fffuck! Look at the map. I've just been walkin' in the wrong fuckin' direction. What a wonderful game! The bare basics of left and right do not apply. And that's why this game is so great, because it's free from all logic. Logic is for pussies!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(commenting on the game over screen)'' That's ingenious. That's... the best Game Over screen I ever saw. For real, I'm actually being dead serious! DEAD FUCKIN' SERIOUS. That's brilliant, right? ''(looks at Jason)'' &quot;You and your friends are dead. Game Over.&quot; It's priceless. Like, I can't believe it! Isn't that a mean thing to say to kids? Nobody ever ''dies'' in Nintendo. They're either &quot;defeated&quot; or they... turn into an item and like, float away. But here comes a game, like ''Friday the 13th'', that just cuts the bullshit, shows some balls, comes flat out and says: &quot;You're fuckin' dead... ''and'' your friends, too.&quot; Beautiful. And what if there was a sequel? It would have to say somethin' even worse. Like, I got it. I got a good idea of what it should say. It should say:
:'''&quot;You're dead.'''
:'''Your friends are dead.'''
:'''Your family's dead.'''
:'''Your fuckin' pets are bein' skinned alive.'''
:'''Your mom's a fuckin' whore.'''
:'''You suck at life.'''
:'''The whole world hates you.'''
:'''You're goin' to hell.'''
:'''Live with it.'''
:'''Game Over.&quot;'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I'd rather play ''Doom'' on Atari. I'd rather play ''Halo'' on a Tiger Electronics wrist game. I'd rather drown in diarrhea. I'd rather fuckin' eat my fuckin' balls off and puke 'em out my fuckin' ass! I'd rather piss a cactus out of my dick! The music is fuckin' worse than life itself, and I'd turn the volume down except for the fact that I have to hear the Jason Alarm! It's all just a test of patience, and it can kiss ''my fuckin’ asshole!''

=== [[w:A Nightmare on Elm Street (video game)#video games|A Nightmare on Elm Street]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': Could the villains be any more stock? Like, we have this creepy game about Freddy. What kind of creepy characters can we add? Well, how about bats, ghosts, spiders, skeletons, Frankensteins for the kiddies? Could it be any more un-creative than that? Like, why don't they just add some witches, black cats, and flying jack-o'-lanterns? They should've just called the game &quot;Boo! Haunted House!&quot; Which is probably what they originally had in mind, until they thought, &quot;No, wait, make it about [[w:Freddy Kreuger|Freddy]]. We already ruined ''Friday the 13th,'' now let's do the same thing to ''Nightmare on Elm Street.&quot;'' And that's right. It's by the same company. We're not gonna say who it is, but it stands for &quot;[[w:LJN|Laughin' Jokin' Numbnuts]].&quot;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, God! Is Freddy comin'? He sure is! Of all the shitty things in this game, this screen is so cheesy that it's just awesome. But it's ruined by the fuckin' trademark symbol! ''[zooms in on the trademark symbol next to Freddy's name]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': You know what's really weird? That this game was actually capable of a 4-player mode using an accessory that allows four controllers to be connected to your Nintendo Entertainment System? Now, I can't imagine having four people playing this game. Who's gonna want to play this piece of shit? I'm lucky if I can get one other person! I have a better chance of cloning myself.
:''[Four Nerds play the game together, yelling things such as &quot;This is fuckin' fuck!&quot;, &quot;It's diarrhea fuck!&quot;, &quot;This game is horrible!&quot;, &quot;Diarrhea fuck.&quot;, &quot;It sucks!&quot;, &quot;It's fuck!&quot;, &quot;It's balls!&quot;, &quot;What a piece of fuck.&quot;, &quot;What a fuckload of fuck.&quot;, and &quot;What a piece of fuckin' fuck.&quot;]''
:'''Back Nerd''': Hey, wait. Wait, wait, wait. I just cloned myself. I'm in a dream, I can do whatever I want, so why don't we all just stop playin' this fuckin' game?
:'''Left Nerd''': Yeah.
:'''Back Nerd''': So, the fuck with that fuck.
:'''Right Nerd''': Yeah, the fuck with that... godfuckingdamn fuck.
:'''True Nerd''': The fuck with that godfuckingdamn... '''''fuckin'''''' fuck.
:'''Left Nerd''': &lt;big&gt;'''''THE FUCK WITH THAT GODFUCKINGDAMN MOTHERFUCKIN' BULLFUCK!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''True Nerd''': Relax.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Freddy Krueger''': Whoa! Look at me! I'm the fuckin' Nerd! What a piece of fuck! Buffalo diarrhea fuckfarts! You see, Nerd? Nobody makes you play these games but yourself. So, you're your own damn nightmare. Now, you're gonna die.
:'''The Nerd''': Go yank your cock through your fuck, you fuckin' butt mongrel: I got the ''Power Glove!''

=== [[w:Power Glove|Power Glove]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': [[w:The Wizard (1989 film)|I love the Power Glove. It's so bad.]] And I mean ''bad''. This thing is bad. Why need a glove to play a game? What's wrong with this? ''[grabs the regular NES controller]'' Huh? I don't know. I thought this was okay, playing it, you know, with a controller. So if anything, the Power Glove, it's an interesting experiment in gaming technology. But too bad they were just fuckin' jerkin' off! Like, why does it suck so bad? Well, I have one complaint, ''[flashes middle finger]'' ''one fuckin' complaint'' about this glove; It doesn't work.  Now, what's the most important aspect about any game? Well, being able to fuckin' play it!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[Plays [[w:Jackal (video game)|Jackal]] and reads the opening screen's text]'' &quot;'''This battle will make your blood boil. Good luck!'''&quot; &quot;Good luck&quot; is right. I'm using the fuckin' Power Glove.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[plays [[w:Rad Racer|Rad Racer]] with the Power Glove]'' You know what's really cool about ''Rad Racer?'' That if you push &quot;Select&quot;... ''[pushes &quot;Select&quot;]'' ...the game goes ''3D.'' I'm playing ''Rad Racer'' with the Power Glove ''and'' 3D glasses. Ya can't get any more rad than that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Wow. Playing ''[[w:Top Gun (video game)#Original releases|Top Gun]]'' with the Power Glove. [[The Angry Video Game Nerd#Toxic Crusaders|It's like pukin' on a pile of shit]]. [in-game, &quot;'''TO LANDING SEQUENCE'''&quot;] Oh, my God. What the fuck am I doing? I'm tryin' to land the plane in Top Gun with the Power Glove? I can't even land it with the regular controller. ''[he manages to successfully land the plane; surprised, he takes a quick glance at the Power Glove, and looks back at the screen]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': If you want to bring a totally new element of challenge to your Nintendo games, try the Power Glove, 'cause it sure makes everything a lot harder. It's just a barely functional contraption designed to rip off little kids. It's the biggest scam since the Atari 5200 controller. The only kids who owned this were usually the richer ones who thought they were cool. Well, they're not cool. I'm not cool, either. Look at me. You think I'm cool? I've got a fuckin' glove on my hand. I'm tryin' to play a fuckin' game with it. I look like an idiot with [[w:A Fistful of Dollars|a fistful of fuck.]] ''[pretends to shoot his fingers off with the grey 1985 NES Zapper, leaving only his middle finger, which he flashes.]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Now you're playing with power. Now you're playing with fuckin' fuck! You're better off fuckin' fuck than fuckin' with this fucked-up fuck! Fuck this fuck! You don't know fuck about how fuckin' fucky this fuckin' fuck is! It's so bad it sucks. It's so fuckin' suck it fucks! And I...can't take it anymore. ''[holds bottle of Rolling Rock which he drinks while wearing the Power Glove, accompanied by the &quot;Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!!&quot; Game Over Theme]''

=== Chronologically Confused ===
:'''AVGN''': ''(talking about the [[w:Mega Man|Mega Man]] series)'' What's this? Mega Man Battle network series? [[w:Mega Man 64|Mega Man 64]]? Did they really make it that far? No, that was just the Nintendo 64's stupid gimmick of putting 64 at the end of every fucking title.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': So when [[w:Final Fantasy VII|Final Fantasy VII]] came out, they just called it Final Fantasy VII and that's when the confusion began. I wondered what the fuck happened to IV V and VI?! But what I really should've been wondering, little did I know, what the fuck happened to II III and V? And once I figured that out, I was like,&quot;So there were other Final Fantasy games we didn't know about?&quot; I was playing VI all along and not III? What a fuckin' bunch of fuckin' bullfuck!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The Star Trek series did the same thing. Right now, there's ten of them. Star Trek I-VI were all numbered. But when they stopped using the original cast from the show and started using the cast from Star Trek: The Next Generation, they dropped the numbers from the films and called them: Star Trek Generations, Star Trek First Contact, Star Trek Insurrection and Star Trek Nemesis. Okay, well that's real fine. But where did the fucking numbers go? If they couldn't call Star Trek Generations, Star Trek VII then why didn't they call it Star Trek The Next Generation off the show and then call the next one Star Trek The Next Generation II and just start a new line of sequels? 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The title of [[w:Bruce Lee|Bruce Lee's]] first film was called ''[[w:The Big Boss|The Big Boss]]'', but when they released it in the U.S., the American distributors or whoever was responsible decided to change the title to ''Fists of Fury''. Well okay, that's just fine, but the next one happened to be called ''[[w:Fist of Fury|Fist Of Fury]]''. So, uh oh, we fucked up! What are we going to call it here in the U.S.? We can't call it ''Fist of Fury'' because we changed the last one to ''Fists of Fury''. Call it ''The Chinese Connection'' and from now on, just call the movies whatever the fuck they're originally called.

=== [[w:Rocky (1987 video game)|Rocky]] ===
:'''AVGN''': ''(Regarding the training sequences)'' Cock-a-fuckin'-doodle-ass-shit-suckin'-bullfuck! This is fuckin' boring!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(On the convoluted controls as described in the game manual)'' So did you get that? Well, let me sum it up. It stinks!
:'''Rocky''': That's right, it stinks!
:'''AVGN''': It's a bunch of putrid anal shit coming out of a rhinoceros' asshole. It fucks up the fuck, fucks out the mouth, piss out the nose, dookie out the ear, diarrhea out the dick, fucks for the birds! The control in this game... is pooh-pooh.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': This game is fuck. I'd rather take a bath in elephant feces. I'd rather eat raw eggs.

=== Bible Games ===
:'''AVGN''': ''(Playing [[w:Bible Adventures|Bible Adventures]], reviewing &quot;Noah's Ark&quot;; regarding the character Noah, who literally picks up animals and puts them in the ark in the game)'' I just can't get over that. He's an old man, and not only does he pick the animals up, he lifts them over his head! It doesn't even slow him down. How could such an old man be so strong? Have you ever tried to lift a horse? Not that easy. What the shit!? Let alone a horse and an ox!? Or fuck! A horse, a cow, and two oxen!? What the fuckin' shit!? Noah's so goddamn strong, he puts [[w:The Incredible Hulk|The Hulk]] to shame. And the poor creatures, they're so scared shitless, they don't even try to get away. Noah, man. Nobody fucks with him. Not even [[w:Chuck Norris|Chuck Norris]]!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(Reviewing &quot;David and Goliath&quot;)'' And you know what? All three games use the same music. You'd rather listen to your own infant son puking to death. That is, choking on his own puke-chunks. ''(long pause)'' That's disgusting. I apologize.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(reviewing [[w:Bible Buffet|Bible Buffet]] on NES, responding to its in-game voice clips)'' That voice is just crazy! I-I dunno what it is, but it just sounds out of place. Not that anything is ''in'' place, but I dunno. It's so rare to hear such a clear voice in a Nintendo game. But I suppose it's also rare for Nintendo to have a Bible game with no references to the Bible, resembling Atari, that's all about food trying to kill you, yet it's also a board game rip-off with quizzes that you can't answer, and, if it's a Bible game, why do you blow a snowman's head off? Whatever happened to &quot;[[Book of Exodus|Thou shall not kill]]&quot;? Please, somebody tell me! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''[ [[w:Invisible Touch (song)|Invisible Touch]] is heard in the background]'' So let's play another bible game. It's the Book of Genesis on [[w:Sega Genesis|Sega Genesis]]. And the soundtrack is [[w:Genesis (band)|Genesis]]. ...I'm just making this up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''[Playing [[w:Super 3D Noah's Ark|Super Noah's Ark 3D]]]'' Listen to how cheerful the music is. ''(Theme from Super 3D Noah's ark plays)'' Wow, that's great. It's just what you need is some really upbeat music to go along with Noah getting murdered by a bunch of fucking goats!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I’d rather fuck a porcupine and shove a cactus up my ass! I'd rather slurp crap oozing out of a warthog's anus-hole! It's just a bunch of poopy diarrhea doodoo ass-shit!

== Season Two ==

=== [[w:Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III Part One]] ===

:'''The Nerd''': (sighs) ''Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III'' ''(he slaps the tape back into its case as it starts to fall out)'' SUCKS SHIT! Not even regular shit. Putrid, barfed-out roadkill diarrhea shit. Now you might be sayin', &quot;Well that's your opinion.&quot; Well yeah, it is. It's my opinion, that it's a motherfuckin' fact, that this pile of dog shit called ''Ninja Turtles III'' is the most god-awful disgrace in human existence! Now, I know you've seen a lot of bad movies. But, no, let me tell you, this movie is '''BAD.''' Like, how bad? Like, is it the worst of the ''Turtles'' trilogy? Oh, undeniably, but that's not the point. My point, is that this is the worst fuckin' movie I've ever seen in my life! Now, I can tell you from the perspective of a 12-year-old and a 26-year-old, that it needs to rot in Hell, in Satan's asshole. Now what I mean by that is I was 12 the first time I saw the movie, in the theaters in 1993, and I was such a big Turtle fan, I just accepted it. I just held the truth inside. And, you know it's just been tearin' away at me all these years. And now, lookin' back at it, I just gotta come clean and honest, man. I just gotta let it all out. THIS MOVIE... is '''FUCKIN' TERRIBLE!''' ''(punches the tape)''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': &quot;Why was there no subtitle in the movie?&quot; They subtitled the last movie. Well, I have an answer. Look under that title. You see that blank, empty space? Let that be an indication of the blank, empty imagination employ within and the void it left in our hearts.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(criticizing the inferior animatronics)'' Is this movie made for little kids? Well, I guess it is, so the joke's on me. The worst of all is Splinter. He looks like fuckin' roadkill! And I guess they never finished him because you only see his upper body. He's like a puppet that should be used on Sesame Street. Even worse is his voice!
:'''Splinter''': Have patience, my son.
:'''AVGN''': What an assload of fuck! Well, everything sucks.

=== [[w:Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III Part Two]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''[on Walker's death scene]'' Now, I gotta pause this because I gotta ask, how many times have you seen this shot in a movie? Way too fuckin' much. It was one of the biggest clichés of the time. What happened at the end of Batman? The Joker falls, same shot. What happens at the end of Dick Tracy? Big Boy falls, same thing. But Turtles III takes this cliché to a whole new level. I mean, a whole new level. Watch what happens when Walker hits the water.
:''[Walker screams while he falls to his death, and the water splashes]''
:'''The Nerd''': Did you see that? Here it goes again.
:''[The scene is repeated]''
:'''The Nerd''': There's no splash. Instead, he disappears. But he doesn't disappear. He like, implodes into himself. I'm really stunned, like why'd they do this? They couldn't do a special effect for a splash? But, what they could do is make him implode. Now, if you couldn't make a splash, why couldn't you just cut away, and then, just leave the sound of the splash? That would've actually been more effective. I can re-edit it right now. Watch.
:''[Walker screams while he falls to his death, and the scene cuts to the Turtles with the sound of the splash intact]''
:'''The Nerd:''' See? That's all they had to do, so why make the weird imploding effect? What were they thinking?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Cowabunga. Cowa-fuckin'-piece-of-dog-fuck! I'd rather watch fuck oozing out of a buffalo's fuckhole. I'd rather fucking puke diarrhea up my dick. It fucking sucks so much fucking suck, it fucks. It fucking sucks so much cocksucker motherfucker bullfuck that...well, something must be done.
:''[The Nerd takes the movie, looks at it, then sets on floor before taking out a katana. He braces it, aims it, then splits the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III VHS tape in two. Then he switches to a hammer.]''
:'''The Nerd''':  IT'S HAMMER TIME!
:''[He smashes the video until all of it is smashed to bits, and he sighs angrily. The camera pans to see the destruction of the VHS copy of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III, accompanied by the level complete music from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for the NES, before the scene fades to black.]''

=== [[w:Atari 5200|Atari 5200]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Look at how huge this beast is, it's ginormous! And why is there a door on it? Is this a video game console, or a fucking closet? Even the AC Adapter weighs a million tons.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': What's the most important aspect about any fucking game? Well, being able to fucking play it. And what do you need to fucking play it? A fucking controller! So what do you do when the controller doesn't work? You're fucked! This is the reason the system failed. ''This.'' In the name of God, Heaven and Hell; everything in between, every creature on Earth; by the far reaches of the Galaxy; by the inner rings on the Universe and... every Megaverse and the Ultraverse, let it be known. Let the word be known. This controller... is ''fuckin' horrible''!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Then there's all these numeric buttons. Like, what the shit is this? Is this thing a phone? Like, what is all this for? Is it, like, talking to intergalactic space aliens, flying fuckernauts or astrobastards?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''[unable to play the Atari 5200 due to defective controllers]''  As for the 5200, there's third party controllers made for replacing the shitty controller that the system came with. So let's take a trip into the cyber world known as the internet and take a look. ''[Goes to his computer and the Ebay website. Finds a listing that says &quot;ATARI 5200 CONTROLLER - Works fucking better!&quot;]''

=== [[w:Ghostbusters (video game)|Ghostbusters]]===
:'''The Nerd:''' So, I just wanted to take you back to the '80s, when ''Ghostbusters'' and Nintendo were the best things in the world. Now, the Nintendo Entertainment System, I believe needs no introduction. So, when we heard that a ''Ghostbusters'' '''game''' for Nintendo was coming out, we were so excited we shit our pants. Literally, ''shit'' came out our asses and we rocketed through the roof! It was two of our favorite things comin' together, should have been like bread and butter. But more like dead skunk and dog shit! ''(He inserts the cartridge into the NES.)'' You pop this piece of crap in, expecting ''Ghostbusters,'' and whaddya get? Well, ''Ghostbusters''. Got the logo there, looks promising enough. But are you willing to bet that it's gonna get really bad once you start playin'? Yeah, well, guess what? It gets bad as soon as you press the Start button. ''(The Nerd presses the Start button) '' ''(an extremely low-bit &quot;GHOSTBUSTERS!&quot; sound can be heard on the TV)'' The fuck was that?! ''(the low-bit &quot;GHOSTBUSTERS!&quot; repeats)'' &quot;Gowsht Bushterrrsh!&quot; ''(the low-bit &quot;GHOSTBUSTERS!&quot; repeats again)'' Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not tryna to criticize the game for its lack of voice clarity, but ya hear how bad this sounds? Let this set the tone for the rest of the game.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(Game starts)'' So, here's the main screen. This is it. This is ''Ghostbusters'' on Nintendo. This is my wasted childhood you're lookin' at. I don't even need to comment. Just look at it, it's shits for the birds! Okay, we gotta come up with a game about ''Ghostbusters'', what can we do? How about just have the ''Ghostbusters'' logo floatin' around playin' tag with cute, little yellow ghosts? So if you like ''Ghostbusters'', it's right up your alley. More like up your ASS!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Does there exist any store that sells... a ghost vacuum? Let's find out. ''(The Nerd turns on his cellphone and punches in a phone number)''
:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;Hi, do you sell vacuums?&quot;
:'''Manager:''' &quot;Uh, yes.&quot;
:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;Um, yeah, uh, I'm lookin' for a special kinda vacuum. It's like, shaped like a funnel, sorta.&quot;
:'''Manager:''' &quot;Hmm, what kind of vacuum?&quot;
:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;It's like, shaped like a funnel, like you put it on the roof of your car.&quot;
:'''Manager:''' &quot;You want a vacuum to clean your car?&quot;
:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;No, you put it '''on''' the top of your car... like while you're drivin'...?&quot;
:'''Manager:''' &quot;To, t-,t-, you want a vacuum to clean?&quot;
:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;No, y'know, these vacuums are for catchin' ghosts...&quot; ''(The Nerd struggles to contain laughter)''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Oh please, Game Genie, grant me three wishes!

=== [[w:Ghostbusters video games|Ghostbusters Followup]] ===

:'''The Nerd''': ''[when he talks about the ending of Ghostbusters on NES]'' Well, first of all, &quot;'''Conglaturation !!!'''&quot; is spelled wrong, but it's not even a simple typo. Two letters in two different places are wrong which probably means they really didn't know how to spell it. So that's 20 points off for that just because it's such an atrocious misspelling. But then why isn't it plural? You don't usually say &quot;Congratulation.&quot;, you say &quot;Congratulation''s''&quot;. So technically it's got nothing to do with the spelling, it's a different error altogether. So that's another ten points for that. Then, &quot;'''You have completed a great game.'''&quot;!? Well that's just simply wrong, 20 points for that statement. Even if it was a great game, it shouldn't have to announce it. So then you have a punctuation error, because the next sentence begins with &quot;'''And'''&quot;. Then you got an extra O in &quot;'''prooved'''&quot;. And proved what? &quot;'''prooved the justice of our culture.'''&quot;? So it's saying that you proved that our culture has justice? I don't know. &quot;'''Now go and rest our heroes !'''&quot; Instead of &quot;Now go and rest, comma, our heroes&quot;, it's telling you to go rest our heroes. Okay, well, sorry to say but we had to take off 90 points. But hey, a score of 10% means that there's still hope. But wait, is there any reason that there's one exclamation mark here (at Heroes !) and then there's three up there (after Conglaturation !!!)? That's another 10 points off for lack of consistency with a total score of zero. F-minus. It should have said...

:'''Congratulations!'''
:'''You had the patience to sit through this awful game.'''
:'''You proved your nerdiness.'''
:'''Now go fuck yourself!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''The Nerd''': ''(reviewing ''Ghostbusters'' on the Sega Master System, commenting on how the controllable logo leaves black dots on the streets it crosses)'' I don't exactly understand the idea of dropping poop everywhere you go. Thought the Ghostbusters are in a car, not a horse and buggy.

=== [[w:Ghostbusters video games|Ghostbusters Conclusion]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''[Playing [[w:Ghostbusters II (NES)|''Ghostbusters 2'']] for [[w:Nintendo Entertainment System|NES]], commenting on its level setup]'' And that's what I'm fuckin' talking about. ''Ghostbusters'' should be nothing more complicated than just running around, zapping ghosts! So it's a huge, '''''huge''''' improvement over the first game. But that's not saying much. It still sucks monkey fuck and pukes diarrhea up your fucking asshole. And that's interesting, because the movie [[w:Ghostbusters II|''Ghostbusters II'']] is definitely inferior to the first one. So, I guess the formula works like this: A good movie equals... a shitty, fuckin' game. ''But,'' ''[throws game to ground]'' a ''not''-so-good movie equals a game... that's not ''as'' shitty.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' It's also stupid that A shoots slime, and B jumps. Usually, it's the other way around. As for Start and Select, they don't do donkey dick. Usually Start is &quot;Pause&quot;, but here, there's no fuckin' way to pause the damn game. ''[throws controller to the floor]''
:'''The Nerd''': I mean, if you've gotta go answer the phone, or take a shit, it's like, tough shit if you gotta take a shit! You gotta take a quick shit! You gotta have turbo turds! I'm trying to play the game, I got shit stains in my pants, and an answering message on my phone that says, &quot;Sorry. I'm playing ''Ghostbusters 2'' on Nintendo.&quot; What a selfish game. BOTTOM LINE, HAVE A FUCKIN' PAUSE BUTTON! GODDAMMIT! ''[throws an Ecto-1 toy to the ground]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[reviewing ''Ghostbusters'' on [[w:Sega Genesis|Sega Genesis]]]'' I like this? I can't believe what I'm saying.
:'''The Nerd''': I think the world is coming to an end. Seriously, like [[Ghostbusters|fire and brimstone coming down from the skies. Rivers and seas boiling! 40 years of darkness! Earthquakes! Volcanoes! The dead rising from their graves! Human sacrifice, dogs and cats livin' together, mass hysteria!]] But don't worry, I'll find something about it that sucks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' Guess what the toughest enemies in the game are? Coffee cups. You'd think they'd shatter after just one hit, but no. They take forever to break. I don't get it. Lots of the enemies are just annihilated after just one hit, but not those. Don't fuck with the coffee cups.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' The boss battles are cool, although sometimes really random, like this blue guy that comes apart. Come on, die! Alright-- Oh, he's still got a head! Yeah! You got the crystal monkey man, the evil snowman, the fire dragon, the flame guy, the face that emerges from the wall, the woman who multiplies into three; gotta shoot the real one. Then there's the Grim Reaper who looks like Dracula from [[w:Castlevania II: Simon's Quest|''Castlevania II,'']] then there's the plant which reminds me of [[w:The Little Shop of Horrors|''Little Shop of Horrors,'']] which is an interesting connection because [[w:Rick Moranis|Rick Moranis]] starred in [[w:Little Shop of Horrors (film)|the remake]], and he was Louis in ''Ghostbusters.'' Then you got Stay Puft who relentlessly attacks you during the stage, but then at the end, you finally get to punish him for all the shit he put you through. Die! Die! Get him, get him, get him, get him, get him, get him! Yeah! He's dead as shit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' In a sea of terrible ''Ghostbusters'' games, this one ''[Ghostbusters for Sega Genesis]'' stands out, and it's still fun to play. If you can somehow get your hands on it, I'd check it out.
:'''The Nerd''': So, this concludes my 3-part review of all the ''Ghostbusters'' games that I can get my hands on. Is it kinda ironic that I end on one that's actually kinda decent? I don't know. I mean, is it anymore ironic that [[w:Lorenzo Music|the same guy who did the voice for Garfield]] did the voice for Peter Venkman in the ''Ghostbusters'' cartoon? Well, Bill Murray was a live-action Peter Venkman, and he also did the voice of Garfield in [[w:Garfield: The Movie|the movie]].
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' And one more thing: ''[[w:Ghostbusters: Afterlife|Ghostbusters 3]]''. Is it ''really'' gonna happen? ''Should'' it happen? Well, if they made ''The Santa Clause 3,'' ''Free Willy 3,'' ''Home Alone 3,'' ''Psycho 3,'' ''The Neverending Story 3,'' ''Problem Child 3,'' and about ten thousand ''Scary Movie'' and ''American Pie'' sequels, all the crap that gets shat out of Hollywood's big fat fuckin' ass, I don't see why ''Ghostbusters 3'' shouldn't get made. I grew up with those movies. I would love to see those guys put on the proton packs one more time. Even if the whole movie's just the Ghostbusters sittin' around takin' a shit, I'd go see it.

=== [[w:Spider-Man video games|Spider-Man]] ===

:'''Kyle Justin as Spider-Man:''' ''(on ''Spider-Man'' on Atari 2600)'' '''THIS GAME SUCKS MY SPIDER-BALLS!''' IT'S HORRIBLE!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(on ''Spider-Man: Return of the Sinister Six'')'' The game's ''Spider-Man: Return of the Sinister Shit''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Spider-Man:''' ''(hitting himself with the Game Boy in frustration)'' What the fuck is wrong with these game designers?! They don't know what the fuck they're doing! I can't believe they did this to me! They made a game out of me and it's fuckin' shit!! IT'S HORRIBLE! ''(throws the Game Boy to the ground)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Spider-Man:''' ''(while AVGN jokes about the pizza-delivering objectives early in ''Spider-Man 2'' on Game Boy Advance)'' I'm a super hero. I shouldn't be known as a pizza delivery man.
:'''AVGN''': I wish Spider-Man would deliver my pizzas every day.
:'''Spider-Man:''' ''(raises middle finger to AVGN)'' I'm gonna fucking shove a pizza up your fuckin' ass!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Kyle Justin:''' (singing to the tune of the Spider-Man theme song)
:''Spider-Man, Spider-Man''
:''Takes a dump in a coffee can''
:''Plays some games with a grudge''
:''Gonna shit out some anal fudge''
:''Look out, here comes some shitty games''
:''Alcohol is his power source''
:''Takes a piss like a drunken horse''
:''Climbs a wall, then he falls''
:''This game sucks his spider-balls''
:''Oh no, he's playing the shitty games''
:''When he plays his games''
:''He feels so ashamed''
:''He shoots web from his wrist''
:''But now Spider-Man's fucking pissed''

=== [[w:Sega CD|Sega CD]] ===

:'''The Nerd''':  Wow. It's like you get to play the games on a CD! Check out the graphics! Full motion video, opposed to video that ''isn't'' full motion! 64 simultaneous colors! 12.5 MHz processor! '''''Holy shit!''''' This thing is total '''''FUCKIN' GAR-BITCH!''''' How would you like it if I conduct the rest of the video like this? ''(screen becomes smaller and the video choppier, like the Sega CD's &quot;FMV.&quot;)'' &quot;Full motion video&quot;, my fuck! I'd rather be full fuckin' screen!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So you put the fuckin' game in, and oh, guess what? It runs off of its own power adapter. Yeah, that's two. One for the Genesis and one for the Sega CD. If it can't run off the same power, why couldn't it just be its own independent system? Instead it's like a fuckin' parasite or somethin'. Then there's this problem: the load time. Load of fuck! You could go dump your fuck in the fucking time it takes. So if you're gonna play the Sega CD, grab a fucking beer and be patient.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[[w:The Adventures of Willy Beamish|Willy Beamish]]''. The teacher talks to you, and you come up with answers. Should I say, &quot;Oh, that was my frog, Horny.&quot;? The frog's name is &quot;Horny&quot;?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd: '''Now we got ''Sol-Feace''. More like ''Sol-Feces''! Well, holy shit, I gotta be honest. It reminds me of ''R-Type'' or ''LifeForce'', and that's pretty cool, so all I gotta say is, this one's not bad.

=== [[w:Sega 32X|Sega 32X]] ===

:'''The Nerd''': The Sega CD had its place in history. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's a piece of shit. But it had a certain appeal. The 32X is the real deal. It sucks. Oh God, it sucks. You plop it on the top of the Genesis, like they're mating. God, I mean, do you think that's enough add-ons? It doesn't even look aesthetically presentable. I mean, it's just like an ugly tumor. I mean, did they really need all this bullshit leeching on the Genesis? That poor Genesis is just thinking: &quot;Oh, please, God, take this shit off me.&quot; It's like getting gang-raped. Both of its slots are getting ''fucked'' at the same time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''(plugging in the power adapters for the game consoles)'' Here goes the Genesis, the Sega CD, and... bullshit. What a load of fucking bullshit. How did they fuck this up so bad? I can't even turn it the other way because it doesn't fit. Why can I only plug in two power adapters? Why can't these go sideways? Or, better yet, why the Hell do they have these box things? Why can't it just be like this? ''(ends in a thin plug)'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''(playing [[w:Primal Rage|Primal Rage]] with only the background visible)'' Great title screen, huh? There isn't even any title at all. ''(cuts to the character select menu, where once again no characters are visible)'' What is this? Wh-wait a minute. Oh, please, God, tell me what's going on. Why can't I see the characters? I'm playing ''Invisible Primal Rage''! Alright, let's try [[w:Virtua Fighter (video game)|Virtua Fighter]]. ''(the characters aren't visible here either)'' What the FUCK?! Guess what, we left something out.  There's another cable which connects the Genesis to the 32X. Isn't it enough that the damn thing is inserted on to the ''top'' of the Genesis? Why does it need another connector? 'Look at this. It's a fuckin' mess. And what a perfect visual analogy. Sega invented the 32X to increase the lifespan of the Genesis, and that's exactly what the friggin' thing looks like. It's on life support.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': And just to celebrate their failure, or just for shits and giggles, they released a few '''CD-32X''' games, which required both the 32X ''and'' the Sega CD. So, if you happened to own ''this'' pile of vomit and ''this'' piece of shit'','' you can mix the two together.

=== [[w:Silver Surfer (video game)|Silver Surfer]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' Alright, this is ''Silver Surfer''. Silver Shit! ''(inserts game into NES and turns it on)'' He looks so ''stupid!'' I mean, what the hell's wrong with him? He's just like... like... ''(The Nerd tries to imitate Silver Surfer's pose.)''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' What'd I say before? This game's not bad? Well, no. It isn't bad. '''''It's FUCKIN' HORRIBLE!''''' And I ''dare'' you to play it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' I can't take it anymore. ''(Drinks some Yuengling)'' You know... there's really no point of going on. It's not like there's a reward, like there's a pot of gold sittin' on top of the TV. You know if you beat the game, it probably just says &quot;The End&quot;, and that's it. So to keep playing it, you gotta be a fuckin' nerd.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' I mean this game just pukes snot up my ass. It's like you touch the top of the building, you die, you touch the ceiling, you die, you touch the floor, you die, too far to the right, you die, too far to the left, you die, you die, you die, you die, die, ''die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die,'' '''DIE!''' ''(lies on the floor, holds his eyes in anger, and mimics the game over screen) (upset voice)'' Oh, God, I can't fuckin' stand it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' This game is so hard, it would actually be easier to go outside in a thunderstorm and try to dodge rain. It would be easier to walk barefoot, without your toes or heels touching the floor. It'd be easier to pick fly shit out of pepper... while wearing boxing gloves! The fact you can get hit only once, pretty much means that you're weaker than every other enemy in the game. HOW DO YOU DIE FROM JUST TOUCHING A WALL?! I can understand if he's flying at like 200 miles per hour and he ''crashes'' into the wall, but the fact that he just ''touches'' the wall and dies is just ridiculous. I never read any of the comics, so I don't know what Silver Surfer's powers are, but isn't he supposed to be pretty strong? So why'd they make him into a wimp?! Why is he fuckin' up rubber ducks and weepin' like a crybaby? It's like some sort of fuckin' joke! Like what if they had Bruce Lee tripping over his own shoelaces? It's a fuckin' insult! This game should've been classic! But instead, it's worthless! It's as worthless as this fuckin' LJN poster I have back here! Man, I would just piss and shit all over this fuckin' game! In fact, JUST THINKING ABOUT IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE HAVIN' AN ANAL EVACUATION! ''(Swigs some Yuengling)'' Fuck...! ''(Gets up, takes game out, and then throws it against the wall)''

=== [[w:Die Hard (video game)|Die Hard]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': Somewhere up here, there's a rope which, I don't know if it's important or not. You blow up this gym locker or whatever it is and he says, &quot;'''I'd have to be desperate to tie that on and jump off! No, thanks!'''&quot; Are you kidding me? Have you ever had a video game character talk back to you and say, &quot;No, I'm not gonna do that!&quot;? Going back to ''Mario'' again, what if Mario just said &quot;You know, I'm really not feeling up to jumping over that platform. No, thanks!&quot;? This is ridiculous. I mean, he won't climb down with a rope, but he'll jump out a window and fucking kill himself?!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So, I'm taking the stairs down, now I found some blueprint of the 5th floor. Whoa! Now we're talking about the 5th floor? &quot;Take out the main computer&quot;? I'm getting confused. So, I'm going around, trying to kill people, and Officer Carl Winslow keeps talking to me. So, I'm just walking around, waiting for whatever random stuff to happen, then the police car blows up! I'm like, &quot;What does this have to do with anything?&quot; But then Steve Urkel comes on! I'm like, &quot;What the fuck!?&quot;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': There's guys around every corner, there's guys coming out of the elevator, there's guys coming out of your ass, it's crazy!

=== [[w:Independence Day (video game)|Independence Day]] ===

:'''AVGN''': '''Oh God...''' '''Oh ''God!''''' Let me ask a question: what do you get when you take a movie, that's ASS, and you make it into a game? You get a pieceashit! Now, if you get a piece of ass, that's... a good thing. But if you get a pieceaSHIT, you don't want that! And this of course, is ''[[w:Independence Day (video game)|Independence Day]]'' for the [[w:PlayStation (console)|Playstation]]. I don't even wanna talk about this. It's makin' me sick. MAKIN' ME '''''SICK!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I think it's a graphic flaw. Nothing appears until it's right up in your fuckin' face! What the '''ASS''' is that all about? To describe this game's assness, all I can say is, it's ''very'' ass.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The radar doesn't do diddly dick! It's too small, it makes no fuckin' sense, and...I don't like it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The worst thing about this is that it makes me feel really guilty to be playing it! Like I should be doing something better with my time—like rolling dog turds in cement! Like, I gotta get away from this game! I gotta get out of this room! I gotta go out somewhere &amp; do something wild—like get a tattoo on my face of a goat holding up a baby snorting cocaine off its penis!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': You know, I played a lotta fuck in my day, but this game is... ''FUCK.'' The lack of music, the droning effect it has, it reminds me of somethin' very similar. Something from the past. ''Top Gun'' on the NES. ''[Top Gun music and screenshots from game accompany The Nerd's speech.]'' While I hated it and it drove me insane, I would rather play this than ''Independence Day''. In fact, just thinkin' about it is like a breath of fresh air. Makes me feel like a shitty log comin' out of a buffalo's ass and landin' in a bowl of M&amp;Ms.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Now, as always, I don't care if you agree with my opinions on games, but what I do care, you enjoy the video, you have a great 4th of July, drink some beers, but be safe, and most important - celebrate ''your'' independence ''not'' to play ''shitty fuckin' games.''

=== [[w:list of The Simpsons video games|The Simpsons]] ===
:'''AVGN''': Bringing back the horrible memories of these games can best be described like this: Imagine if you trapped a wet, smelly piece of dog shit inside an airtight container. Then, like twenty years later, you open that shit up, you take a good smell, and there you go. Welcome back.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(playing ''Bart vs. the Space Mutants'')'' It's strangely satisfying to jump on those aliens' heads. After all, don't you wish you could just go around killing aliens? Not making purple things not purple? Why not just fucking shit all over 'em and make everything brown?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I just wanted to point out that for a game titled &quot;''Bart vs. the World''&quot;, there really isn't a lot of &quot;the world&quot; in the game. No shit, right? Just Egypt, China, the North Pole, and Hollywood? Pretty fucking educational, right? When I was eleven years old, my whole world was video games, just locked in my room playing ''Bart vs. the Space Mutants'' and all this crap. And I wasted all my time on this shit! I want it back! It ruined my life! ''(drinks beer)'' Bart's my ass and Krusty's my balls! Fuck this shit. Now I'm gonna eat my own shorts. ''(the Nerd puts his beer down, rips out his boxers with his teeth, and devours it in a ravenous manner)''

=== [[w:The Bugs Bunny Birthday Blowout|The Bugs Bunny Birthday Blowout]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''(sarcastically)'' Wow, how awesome could ''this'' be? ''Bugs Bunny's Birthday Blowout.'' Well, it was a blowout, alright. Blowout your FUCK!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Yeah, this game's really a no-brainer. ''[drinks beer]''
:''[Bugs Bunny appears in Nerd's room]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[spits out beer]'' '''''OH MY GOD! IT'S BUGS BUNNY!'''''
:'''Bugs Bunny''':  Nyah... ''[eats carrot]'' What’s up, Doc?
:'''The Nerd''': ''[walks up to Bugs]'' I can't believe it! In my own house! Bugs Bunny! '''''BUGS FUCKIN' BUNNY!''''' ''[punches Bugs in the stomach and in the face]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': This game is garbage!
:'''Bugs Bunny''': Nyaaaah-
:'''The Nerd''': ''[grabs Bugs by the ears and pounds his head on the floor; the commas that follow mark the head pounding]'' '''''I'D RATHER PUT MY BALLS IN A CROCODILE'S MOUTH, WHILE SHOVING MY HEAD UP A UNICORN'S ASSHOLE!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Bugs Bunny:''' Nyah, what's up, fuck-cock vagina fuck-fuck?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Bugs Bunny:''' Nyah, ain't I a fockin' stinker, motherfucker?!
:'''The Nerd''': Ain't you a godfuckingdamn fockin' pieceashit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[after finding out Bugs' friends were pulling pranks on him]'' I'LL SHOW ''YOU'' SOME FUNNY TRICKS! ''[headbutts Bugs and starts punching him]''
:'''Bugs''': ''[while being pummeled]'' Nyyyyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaah, what's up, '''''COCK?!'''''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[kicks him in the face]'' I'll show you what's up, you fuckin' bunny piece of fuck!

&lt;hr width= &quot;50%&gt;

:'''The Nerd''': ''[While punching Bugs Bunny]'' '''BUGS BUNNY'S BIRTHDAY BLOWOUT? WELL HOW BOUT' BUGS BUNNY'S BIRTHDAY BEATING!''' 
:'''The Nerd''': ''[after pummeling Bugs to the ground]'' Ya wanna Shoruyken?!! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': You want some shit? ''[drops his pants]'' '''''BOMBS AWAY, BUGS BITCH!''''' ''[diarrhea falls through a fake fuck]''
:'''Bugs''': Nyyyyaaah, ''[diarrhea pours onto his face]'' '''''oh shit! OH SHIT!''''' Nyah!
:'''The Nerd''': Ugh, man! ''[takes off fake ass]'' Don't worry, folks. It's not real. ''[Merrie Melodies spoof theme starts playing and Bugs is shown in distress]'' ''[while giving middle finger]'' '''Fuck you, Bugs Bunny!''' ''[gives middle finger through fake fuckhole]'' '''''FUCK YOU, BUGS BUNNY!''''' ''[tosses fake ass]'' There you go. Got your ass handed to you. ''[iris out, then cut to a drum, which the Nerd pops out of in a similar fashion to Porky Pig]'' Ah-duh, ah-duh, duh, that's all, fucks! ''[raises middle finger]''

=== Atari Porn ===

:'''​The Nerd:''' (''playing'' Custer's Revenge) All ya do, is bang the chick, dodge the spears. Bang the chick, dodge the spears. Y'know, ya gotta give this guy credit; he's under attack and he still has the nerve to go over and screw this woman against a cactus. I ''think'' it's a cactus; with Atari, ya really can't tell. You know what bothers me? The spears don't even come down all the way; they like disappear, so it doesn't even make sense when they hit you. But over-analyzin' this game isn't even worth it. It's nothing more than a joke, it stirred up a lot of outrage when it came out in 1982, Native Americans were offended, women activists were offended, parents were offended if their kids got a hold of this, and ''I'' am offended, because this game's a fuckin' pieceashit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''​The Nerd:''' (''playing'' Beat 'Em &amp; Eat 'Em) Y'know, there's ''really'' somethin' wrong with this whole scene. You gotta be a total fuckin' whore to stand naked at the bottom of a building with your mouth wide open to catch jizz from some guy jerkin' off on top of a roof! What kinda sick bitches are these?! And what's the deal with this guy? Either he has a ''huge dick'', or he's a ''dwarf!'' I mean what the fuck kinda game is this?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''​The Nerd:''' Well, what can ya say? Atari and porn. Witches, door-to-door prostitutes, rooftop beaters, cowboy rapists... what more can ya ask for? Remember the commercials? &quot;Have you played Atari today?&quot; Well fuck yeah, I did! But you don't wanna know what I was playin'.

=== [[w:Nintendo Power|Nintendo Power]] ===

:'''AVGN''': It's time to chill out. Nah, don't worry. I'm not goin' mellow on you or anything like that. And, next time, it's gonna be a game review again. But for now, I just want to take you back to one of the most important parts of my childhood: Nintendo Power. You know, today, there's Internet. Anything you want to know about any game, you just look it up. But, back then, your only source of information was magazines, like Nintendo Power. If you had a subscription, you were the man! One of your friends would be breakin' their balls to beat some game and you'll be like, &quot;Oh, I know how to beat that game.&quot;, or, &quot;I know a code.&quot; That's because you had the power. ''Nintendo'' ''Power, motherfucker!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': One thing that used to piss me off was the NES Achievers section. It's just a buncha nerds showin' off their high scores. But, how do you prove it? You have to take a photo of your screen. And, nobody really knew how to do that. Remember, there were no digital cameras back then, so you take the picture of your screen, you have no fuckin' clue what it looks like. And, there could be, like, 20 other pictures on the roll, so, you either have to, like, waste them all or wait until it gets finished. You get your mom or dad to take it to the store to get the picture developed, it comes back, and what does it look like? It looks like fuckin' shit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': 'Member that shitty movie ''[[w:The Wizard (film)|The Wizard]]''? and that fuckin' dumbass ''[[w:Super Mario Bros. (film)|Super Mario Bros.]]'' movie? Man, I remember readin' about that and being so excited, I couldn't ''wait'' to see that movie! But it was just like waitin' for a buffalo to take a shit all over your face. ''(Raspberry)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': As Nintendo Power progressed, the ads went from being weird to just being fuckin' disgusting. Why the Hell is there a jar of toenail clippings in a video game magazine? What were they ''thinking''!? Now, here's the worst one yet. It's some old creepy bitch holdin' a log of shit. Goddamn. One ad was so gross, I stapled the page shut. I'm actually not joking. Then, this one just shows a hurl bag. Yeah, that's great. That just sums up how I feel about the whole situation. Nintendo Power! Don't open unless you've got a barf bag! ''(looks into Nintendo Power, then pretends to vomit into a bag)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': There's also a contest in every issue. Grand prizes would include a sneak showing of the ''Ninja Turtles'' movie, a chance to meet Arnold Schwarzenegger, to win [[w:Bill &amp; Ted's Excellent Adventure|Bill &amp; Ted]]phone booth, to win a ''[[w:Street Fighter II|Street Fighter II]]'' arcade machine, to dig up dinosaurs, or to be an extra in ''The Mask II. The Mask II? (sarcastically)'' Oh, ''that's'' a great prize! ''(normally)'' That movie never got fuckin' made, unless you count ''[[w:Son of the Mask|Son of Mask]]'', but that wasn't until about 10 years later! And, did they give the winner a rain check for that: to be in a movie with a computer-generated baby or any of the other sequels to Jim Carrey movies that don't have Jim Carrey?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(reading letters)'' &quot;It is quite apparent what an active and important role marketing plays in the video game industry. I have to wonder what you are thinking when marketing the Nintendo 64 to elementary school gamers. You risk alienating gamers 15 and up. You should target older gamers, because you'll also target younger ones, since the younger audience's perception of coolness often depends on what the older, teenage audience thinks is cool.&quot; I agree. And the response? &quot;Your suggestion inspired us to target more teens with our marketing, so tune in to a very special episode of ''Friends'' this week to see-&quot; Okay, here's ''my'' letter. &quot;Dear Nintendo Power editor, what the fuck is your problem?&quot;

=== [[w:Fester's Quest|Fester's Quest]] ===

:'''AVGN''': ''(As Fester)'' You were expecting, uh, maybe uh, the ''Ninja Turtles''? ''(a reference to the Nerd's review of the third ''Ninja Turtles'' movie)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(As Wednesday)'' This game better stop sucking fuck, or else I'm gonna have to give it the finger. The middle finger!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(As Gomez)'' I think it's a fuckload of fuck!
:'''AVGN''': ''(As Fester)'' Think you'd better shut your fuck!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(As Fester)'' That's the last guy. It's over.
:'''AVGN''': ''(As Wednesday)'' That's just the first boss.
:'''AVGN''': ''(As Fester)'' That's the last guy.
:'''AVGN''': ''(As Gomez)'' It's not.
:'''AVGN''': ''(As Fester)'' I know, but let's just say that it is, because that's all I can take.

=== [[w:The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (franchise)|The Texas Chainsaw Massacre]] ===

:'''Opening Crawl''': In 1983, a shitty game based on the Texas Chainsaw Massacre was released for the Atari 2600 by Wizard Video Games. It was a tragic failure and tried to aim for the adult market. Its pixelated violence was enough to get it banned from stores or hidden behind the counter, limiting its sales to obscurity. For them, an ideal hit movie-based game would become a nightmare. But had the game been well known, nobody would have expected nor they would wished to see as much of the mad and macabre doodoo diarrhea bullshit as they were to see in that sucky ass game. Close to 25 years later, it would be discovered by one of the most frustrated gaming geeks on the internet, The Angry Video Game Nerd.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[AVGN comes to a barn where a hillbilly playing a banjo is selling old video games]''
:'''AVGN''': What have you got here?
:'''Hillbilly''': Bunch of shit.
:'''AVGN''': I see. Unfortunately this is kind of my thing. ''(Notices the Texas Chainsaw Massacre Atari 2600 cartridge)'' How much is this one right here?
:'''Hillbilly''': A hundred.
:'''AVGN''': A hundred? As in like a hundred dollars?
:'''Hillbilly''': No, shit-for-brains, a hundred centavos. Of course a hundred dollars! We are living in the US of A, ain't we?
:'''AVGN''': I - I'll take it for 50.
:'''Hillbilly''': ..It's a hundred.
:'''AVGN''': It's a piece of shit. Look at this! Look at this stock label! I mean, do you know what this is supposed to be? Can you tell me what this is?
:'''Hillbilly''': I have no idea what that is. I can tell you what it looks like: It looks like the shit stain in the bottom of my [[w:Undergarment|drawers]] right now!
:'''AVGN''': This is a shit stain on a shitty game! That perfectly just sums it all up.
:'''Hillbilly''': That, there, is a rare video game, Boy.
:'''AVGN''': Unfortunately I'm like - like flies on a piece of shit because I just can't stay away from this stuff.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': So, when the game's over, the screen goes black, like a ''Mortal Kombat'' fatality. And the girl kicks you in the butt. How violent, she kicks you in the rear. Now I can take bodies getting slashed apart with the chainsaw, but a kick in the ass? That's fucking hardcore. Fuck this game. What a piece of shit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(after being attacked by Chop Top and Leatherface)'' You've gotta believe me, there's this guy coming after me!
:'''Hillbilly''': Hey, hey! Settle down.
:'''AVGN''': I'm not kidding! I'm really not kidding. He's-
:'''Hillbilly''': Calm down, little buddy. Be cool. Be calm. Be collected... hey, what's that over there? ''(knocks the Nerd out with his banjo)'' Batter-up, bitch boy! ''(starts dragging the Nerd away. As he does so, he sings)'' Hey there, motherfuckers... Don't tell me what I should do... 'Cause they be motherfuckers...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Chop Top''': ''(while the Nerd is being tortured by being forced to play the game)'' How do you like that, Nerd? How do ya like!? How do ya like!? ''(cackles)''
:'''Hillbilly''': Playing that game like he really don't like it? Ain't that a shame. Listen to him whimper like a little girl. HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH hee hee hee! Yeah, boy. ''(the Nerd summons enough rage to free himself from his bindings and make an escape)'' Oh, shit!

=== [[w:Halloween (franchise)|Halloween]] ===
''[the Nerd hears a knock as his door, and sees two kids; one dressed as Optimus Prime and the other dressed as Swamp Thing at his door]''
:'''Optimus Prime &amp; Swamp Thing:''' Trick-or-treat!
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, oh, you want some trick-or-treat? Okay, here's some trick-or-treat for ya! ''[grabs one of the bag and defecates into it. then he hands it back to Optimus Prime &amp; Swamp Thing]''
:'''Optimus Prime &amp; Swamp Thing:''' Ewwwwww!!
:'''The Nerd''': There you go, you little fuckers! There's some chocolate for ya.
:'''Swamp Thing:''' That's not chocolate, that's poop.
:'''The Nerd''': It's not chocolate, nor is it poop. It's ''fuck!''
:'''Optimus Prime''': Hey, you dope! I want some candy!
:'''Swamp Thing''': Yeah, I want some candy!
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, yeah. ''[puts &quot;Halloween&quot; Atari 2600 game back in the box then opens door again.]'' Hey, wait! I got something for you, too! A shitty game! ''[gives it to Optimus Prime]''
:'''Optimus Prime''': What the heck is this?
:'''The Nerd''': It's an Atari game.
:'''Swamp Thing''': What the heck is an Atari, you dope?
:'''The Nerd''': Oh. Oh, you don't know what an Atari is? Oh, okay. Hang on a sec.
:'''Swamp Thing''': First you poo in my bag, then you don't give me any candy. You're a dope.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[gives Atari 2600 to Optimus Prime]'' There you go. Have fun.
:'''Optimus Prime''': Hey, you dope! I want some candy!

=== [[w:Dragon's Lair (Nintendo Entertainment System)|Dragon's Lair]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Did I just die by walking into the fuckin' door!? Yeah. Everything kills you. Literally. Everything.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The decisions to make in this game are similar to if... say you're standing in a pool full of piss all the way up to your neck. Then somebody comes in with a bucket full of fuck to dump on your head. Do you duck down under the piss? Or do you just stay up and take on the shit? This game is like a cruel joke that you play on your friends. It's like, &quot;Hey, you wanna play a game? Here you go, you fuckers!&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': This game is notorious among gamers as being one of the most frustrating games in existence. At some time or another, it seems everyone takes a shot at it, and after this review, I'm sure many more people will suffer over it, which is unfortunate. But to quote ''[[w:Full Metal Jacket|Full Metal Jacket]]'', &quot;It's just one big shit sandwich and we all gotta take a bite.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(upon being returned to the first screen after getting a Game Over on the second)'' Man... Man, fuck that shit. Man, you think I'm gonna put myself through that again?! I - GODDAMMIT MAN - ''(imitates shooting off four of his fingers, leaving the middle one extended upward)'' MAN, FUCK this game, man! Man - Jesus Christ, I'd rather fucking 69 a grizzly bear while shoving [[w:King Kong|King Kong]] up my ass! I'd rather fucking stand in the middle of a ring of monkeys as they pelt me to death with their own anal waste!

=== An Angry Nerd Christmas Carol Part One ===

:'''AVGN''': ''(receiving ''[[w:Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (video game)|Home Alone 2]]'' for the NES in a gift-wrapped box)'' Oh gee. Thanks for sending me this crappy game! Coal would've been nice! Or even better, a bag of poop! So thanks!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': So, you start the game trying to escape from this hotel because they found out that you used a stolen credit card. Now you don't wanna fuck with this hotel - they'll get everybody after ya. Not even just the people who work there, but bouncing old ladies with umbrellas, mops - yeah, crazy bloodthirsty mops will try to get ya. Vacuum cleaners? Yeah, those suck you up. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Here, get up the ladder! Get up the fucking ladder! There's birds fucking all over me! Get up the fucking ladder! Fuck, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK! ''(yells in anger and takes the game out of his NES)'' Merry Christmas, you filthy animal! YOU MISERABLE FUCKING CUNTING PIECE OF FUCK! ''(hurls the game off-screen and walks up to his game cabinet)'' Fucky games! All my life! Fucky fucking games! I hate fucky fucking games! And I hate fucky fucking Christmas because fucky fucking Christmas means more ''fucky fucking games!'' HUMBUG! BAH! FUCKING HUMBUG IT TO FUCKKKKKKKKK!!!

=== An Angry Nerd Christmas Carol Part Two ===

:'''Stuttering Craig as the Ghost of Christmas Past''': Greetings, Nerd! Forgive this intrusion, for it is I, the Ghost of Christmas Past!
:'''AVGN:''' ''(hits himself on the head)'' I ain't seeing this!
:'''Ghost of Christmas Past''': Why do you doubt your senses, Nerd?
:'''AVGN:''' Because, I wasn't ready to go completely insane tonight.
:'''Ghost of Christmas Past''': But you already have! Drowning in your own misery and torment!
:'''AVGN:''' ''(Extends his middle finger)'' You see this?
:'''Ghost of Christmas Past''': I ''do'' see it.
:'''AVGN:''' ...But you're not looking at it.
:'''Ghost of Christmas Past''': But I ''see'' it.
:'''AVGN:''' ...Look. Ghost. Why do you come to me?
:'''Ghost of Christmas Past''': Well, to take you back to the past!
:'''AVGN:''' To play the fucky games that suck fuck? No thanks.
:'''Ghost of Christmas Past''': This is ''your'' past, Nerd!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Handsome Tom as the Ghost of Christmas Present''': You remember the excitement?
:'''AVGN:''' Who are you?
:'''Ghost of Christmas Present''': I'm the Ghost of Christmas Present, bitch.
:'''AVGN:''' Well what do you want?
:'''Ghost of Christmas Present''': I just wanted to remind you the fond memories you had of Super Nintendo. You remember ''[[w:Super Metroid|Metroid]]''? ''[[w:The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past|Zelda]]''? ''[[w:Super Mario World|Mario]]''? You only choose to dwell on crap. You know what you're doing right now?
:'''AVGN:''' Talking to you?
:'''Ghost of Christmas Present''': No, this is all out of body. Don't you get it? Right now you're looking back at reviewing one of the worst games on the Super Nintendo. ''(AVGN looks through a nearby door to see himself reviewing a game.)''
:'''Other AVGN''': ''[[w:Shaq Fu|Shaq Fu]]''. Just the name makes people cringe. Like, you don't even wanna go there. You are so full of fuck.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Other AVGN''': The title doesn't even sound good. ''Shaq Fu''? It's like a joke. I mean just the fact that they can release a ''fighting'' game starring [[w:Shaquille O'Neal|Shaquille O'Neal]] and call it ''Shaq Fu'' pretty much proves that you can put &quot;Fu&quot; at the end of anything. How about &quot;[[w:Robin Williams|Robin Williams]] Fu&quot; or &quot;[[w:U2|U2]]Fu&quot;? I mean, who came up with this shit!? What, were they smoking crack up their fuck!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Future AVGN''': You remember the Nintendo Wii? Yeah, that's actually what they called it. But it was very revolutionary when it first came out. But looking at it now, it's like a baby's toy. Now, I got this bullfuck fuck game called ''[[w:Far Cry Vengeance|Far Cry Vengeance]]''. Now you put the word &quot;Vengeance&quot; at the end of anything, and it's sure to suck.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': IT'S CHRISTMAS! WHAT A GLORIOUS CHRISTMAS DAY! ''(goes back to his games cabinet cackling with euphoria)'' Look at all these games! Look at all these games! I think I'm going to play ''[[w:Super Mario World|Super Mario World]]''! Fuck yeah! This game's awesome! In fact, I should just play good games from now on. ''(after a moment, the Nerd's expression turns sour, and he turns off the game and grabs the Virtual Boy)'' Man, fuck that! Let's play some fucky ones!

=== [[w:The Legend Of Zelda|Chronologically Confused 2: The Legend of Zelda Timeline]] ===
:'''AVGN''': [[w:Shigeru Miyamoto|Shigeru Miyamoto]], the man responsible for all these great games did an interview with Nintendo Power sometime before the release of the [[w:The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time|Ocarina of Time]] and this is what he said. &quot;Ocarina of Time is the first story, then the original [[w:The Legend of Zelda (video game)|Legend Of Zelda]], then [[w:Zelda II: The Adventure of Link|Zelda II: The Adventure of Link]] and finally [[w:The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past|A Link to the Past]]. It's not very clear where [[w:The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening|Link's Awakening]] fits in. It could be anytime after Ocarina of Time.&quot; Now whoa, I'm nobody to argue. Don't get me wrong about the man himself, but how is Link to the Past the last? I had a hard time accepting that any game would take place before it, but now it's the last? Then why is it called Link to the Past? If it was meant to be the end, why wouldn't it be called Link to the Future?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': So what right do I have to argue with Miyamoto? I don't. However, I can offer three explanations to why he says Link to the Past goes at the end. 1, He was being interviewed and he was caught on the spot, so it could've been a simple mistake. 2, Link to the Past was once a prequel, but its place in the timeline changed so his quote is somehow correct. 3, it's just a game so who gives a shit?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Now a second Zelda game was for the Nintendo 64 was released, [[w:The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask|Majora's Mask]]. This one was a sequel to Ocarina of Time. But wait, not a sequel to the end where adult Link defeats Ganon, No! It's a sequel to young Link after he got sent back. So now any speculation of Nintendo ever making a sequel to Zelda II is deader than shit. They can't even make a sequel that follows in consecutive order. Instead, they just keep going back and then maybe taking a small step up again and then back again. We have a sequel to the original, a prequel to the original, a sequel to the prequel, a prequel to the prequel, and a sequel of the young Link of the prequel's prequel. WHAT THE FUCK?! At this point, if you want to try to make any sense out of this whole thing then go right ahead, but not me. At this point, I really didn't give a shit.

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:'''AVGN''': What about the games on the Philips CD-I? There was ''Zelda: Wand of Gamelon'', ''Link: The Faces of Evil'', &amp; ''Zelda’s Adventure''. And hey, Princess Zelda actually plays a bigger role in those games. So why don’t you count those? Maybe because they suck diarrhea shit from an asshole fountain.

=== [[w:Rambo (video game)|Rambo]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Fuck. I gotta do ''this'' one now? Well, guess I might as well, 'cuz there's a new ''Rambo'' movie comin' out. Back in the '80s, ''[[w:Rambo|Rambo]]'' was ''the'' shit, but the NES game was just plain fuck. ''(the Nerd puts the game in the NES toploader)'' Well, it's based off ''[[w:Rambo: First Blood Part II|Rambo: First Blood Part II]]'' rather than the [[w:First Blood|first one]]. I guess making a game where you're going around killing cops... ''probably'' wasn't their best interest. 

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:'''AVGN''': When Rambo meets the girl for the second time in the game, you're given an option. Rather than conducting business, you can say: &quot;What do you think of me?&quot; The game doesn't advance until you stop asking it, so what's the point? And how cocky can Rambo be to expect a compliment? She could have said, &quot;What do I think of you? You look like a hairless gorilla and when your mouth is open, you really freak me out.&quot;

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:'''AVGN''': Why does the fuckin' password have to be so godfuckingdamn long?! Is it really necessary to have both capital and lowercase letters, as well as numbers, question marks and exclamation marks too?! If you're writing this down, you're gonna get confused. S's look like 5's, 0's look like O's, capital and lowercase letters can look identical, and lowercase L's look like 1's and uppercase I's. That's something I have '''''no''''' tolerance for. The password system should be '''''simple, straightforward, and easy to use.''''' As long as you know the password, you should be able to enter it, and '''move on.''' It doesn't need to be a '''''fucking project!''''' Fuckholes!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': But then comes ''[[w:Rambo (2008 film)|Rambo.]]'' How do you follow ''[[w:Rambo III|Rambo III]]'' with just ''Rambo?'' That doesn't even make any sense. It's like you're going backwards. So, now if someone says, &quot;I'm watching ''Rambo,''&quot; it's like, &quot;Oh. Oh, what do you mean? Do you mean ''First Blood?'' Or do you mean ''Rambo: First Blood Part II?'' Or do you mean ''Rambo,'' the 4th movie?&quot; That's what it is, the fourth fuckin' movie! Why couldn't they have just called it ''Rambo IV?'' One, two, three, four!! ''(Pretends to have head explosion, then goes nuts and collapses on the floor while he rips a poster off the wall.)''

== Season Three ==

=== [[w:Virtual Boy|Virtual Boy]] ===
:'''The Nerd''':  Virtual reality seemed like the way of the future. Just the idea feeling like you were in the game was an awesome concept. But instead, it turned out to be the grand mother-load of shit. The first problem was it was marketed as a portable system. Yeah, portable. My ass is portable! You could barely find a comfortable way to play this big, red, ugly piece of shit at home, let alone bring it somewhere. Like, you couldn't play it in a car or something like that. And, come to think of it, you wouldn't want to play this thing in public anyway. You'd look like an asshole!
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:'''The Nerd''': [''playing'' Galactic Pinball] So, in the long run, it just makes you wish you were playing a real pinball machine instead or anything other than this. '''''I feel like I'm taking an eye exam.''''' And speaking of that, my eyes are starting to hurt already. If you play this long enough and go blind, you can really become the [[Tommy (The Who album)|Pinball Wizard]].
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:'''The Nerd''':  Well now, we saved the worst for last: It's ''[[w:Waterworld (video game)|Waterworld]]''.  Now, let's just stop for a moment and take this in, okay? ''[Breathes deeply]'' ''Waterworld''... on Virtual Boy. It's like pukin' on a pile of shit!

=== [[w:The Wizard of Oz (video game)|The Wizard of Oz]] ===

:'''The Nerd:''' But now, on with the game. Let's start off with the enemy run-down. We got bloodthirsty bluebirds, frogs, chattering teeth, pink soldiers, some weird-looking dude, flying elephants which are supposed to be monkeys, a blobby blue guy, and killer chairs. Is this ''[[w:The Wizard of Oz (1939 film)|Wizard of Oz]]'' or ''[[w:Pee-wee's Playhouse|Pee-wee's Playhouse]]''? Then, there's all these buzz saws. Kinda violent, don't you think? Everything imaginable wants you dead. Even water faucets coming out of trees. Even the hands of a clock can kill you. ''(holding an analog clock)'' Oh God, there it is! Watch out for the clock! ''(imitates getting attacked by the clock)''

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:'''The Nerd:''' Remember the scene from the movie where Dorothy kicks the shit out of a giant crow wearing a vest?

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:'''Cowardly Lion:''' With a knuck! And a ruck! And a fuck! And a f-fuck!
:'''The Nerd:''' Hey man, did you just swear?!
:'''Cowardly Lion:''' Uh, ''(laughs)'' yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, fuck you, fuck you, dick, dick, dick! ''(laughs)''
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(resumes explaining the game)'' Now, the only problem with the Lion is that after he dies only once...
:'''Cowardly Lion:''' ''(Gasps)'' Die?
:'''The Nerd:''' ...he never comes back!
:'''Cowardly Lion:''' ''(The Cowardly Lion runs out, but dies in an explosion.)'' Fuck!

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:'''The Nerd:''' SHIT! Come on!
:'''Cowardly Lion:''' ''(Chuckles)'' ''(He sees the Wicked Witch)'' Oh, is that the Witch? Is that the Witch? She's a bitch, not a witch! (Chortles)
:'''The Nerd:''' Come on, you fuckin' green bitch! Melt like diarrhea in the hot sun!
:'''Cowardly Lion:''' (Chortles) Yeah! Now, Shove her broom right up her ass! Fuck that bitch! Fuck that bitch! Fuck! Wicked Witch of the East, Wicked Witch of the West, Wicked Witch of the fuck, Wicked Witch of my ass! (Chortles and barks)

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:'''The Nerd:''' There's no shitty game like this, I'm serious. Like, it shouldn't have been made. Like, it's almost half as bad as ''Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde''. And I know it's been like 40-something reviews and I'm still talking about ''Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde''. But I'm serious, it's really almost that bad! FUCK THIS GAME, WATCH IT GO! ''(The Nerd throws the game, the same time the Cowardly Lion shits while doing a handstand making the game glued to the ceiling.)'' Daaaaaamn! You just plastered the game on my ceiling with your shit!
:''(The Lion laughs)''

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:''[Outtake]''
:'''Cowardly Lion:''' Wicked Witch of the East, Wicked Witch of the West, Wicked Witch of my balls, Wicked Witch of the fuck, Wicked Witch of my dick, Wi-- Wicked Witch of the ass. Wi-- Wicked Witch...
:''''The Nerd:''' ''[cracking up]'' Wicked Witch of the ass! ''[Laughs]''

=== Double Vision Part One ===

:'''The Nerd:''' The [[w:Intellivision|Intellivision]] came from [[w:Mattel|Mattel Electronics]]. Now, you know what else they made? The Power Glove. Now, that's a bad sign right there. But, it was a great game system for its time.

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:'''The Nerd:''' The games barely fit in the cartridge slot. It's like trying to stick your dick in a Cheerio.

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:'''The Nerd:''' Okay, we gotta move on, but let me introduce the [[w:Intellivoice|Intellivoice Voice Synthesis Module]]. What the fuck is that? Well, it makes your games talk. Yeah. Now, at the time, the idea having voices in video games was a new thing. But unfortunately, only a few games were compatible, like ''[[w:B-17 Bomber (video game)|B-17 Bomber]].''
:'''Electronic Voice:''' Mattel Electronics presents: ''(hillbilly voice)'' ''B-17 Bomber.''
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(mimics the voice)'' '''''B-17 BOMBER!'''''
:'''Electronic Hillbilly Voice:''' ''B-17 Bomber!''
:'''The Nerd:''' Alright, fuck the game. Let's try ''Bomb Squad.''
:'''Electronic Voice:''' Mattel Electronics presents: ''Bomb Squad.'' ''(Alarm buzzes)'' They'll never do it in time! The code! The code! Figure out the code!
:'''The Nerd:''' '''''What?''''' Guess I gotta defuse the bomb.
:'''Electronic Voice:''' It won't be easy! Replace this third, this fourth, this second, this first!
:'''The Nerd:''' '''''Oh, shit!''''' '''''OH, SHIT! OH, GOD! '''(Exploding)''

=== Double Vision Part Two ===

:'''The Nerd:''' ''(Also sprach Zarathustra from ''2001: A Space Odyssey'' plays in the background)'' What's that? A metamorphic stone rising from the blackness and negative Earth, a towering behemoth of monstrosity brought down by extraterrestrial powers, or a giant monolith of death, Hell-bent on the annihilation of humankind, time, and all matter? No. It's the AC adapter for a [[w:Colecovision|Colecovision]]''(The Nerd &quot;struggles&quot; to pick it up.)'' '''WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY THINKING?!''' IS THIS NECESSARY?! Look! I can't fit this Godforsaken piece of shit in the electrical outlet, unless there's nothing next to it! What a fucking hog! That's what it is; a self-indulgent glutton of a power hog.

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:'''The Nerd:''' [Campaign '84] &quot;'''You were seen putting your shoes on before you put on your pants.'''&quot; Okay, well who the hell was watching me get dressed!? If I wanna put my shoes on first, that's my own goddamn business!

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:'''The Nerd:''' But before I end it, let's take a look at the ColecoVision Expansion Module. Yeah, what gaming system is complete without some kind of peripheral? You plug it in, and now you can play Atari 2600 games. That's right, I'm playing Atari on ColecoVision, its competitor. Okay, that would ''never'' happen today. That's like if Sony said, &quot;Okay, we're gonna come out with this new expansion module for the [[w:Playstation 3|Playstation 3]]. You're gonna be able to play [[w:X-Box|X-Box]] games on it.&quot; ''There would be lawsuits up the ass!''

=== [[w:The Wizard (film)|The Wizard]] and [[w: Super Mario Bros. 3|Super Mario Bros. 3]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' Especially when you get to the last world, it can get real challenging. This part doesn't fuck around. It's like, &quot;you got to the end, you dare to play, welcome to Hell.&quot; That's what it looks like, all this fire and skulls, it looks like Hell! There's sorta like a heart shape around it. Yeah, a heart around Hell. Does that mean that this game loves Hell? This game worships the Devil! Oh, my God, of course it does! Why is there so many inverted crosses? What's the H stand for? Hell?? How about the part with the Tarot cards? The &quot;N&quot;? Necronomicon?? The &quot;P&quot; must be Possession. Or maybe Pentagram. Well, of course, the pentagram makes an appearance everywhere. It's no doubt that the seven sons of Bowser represent the Seven Deadly Sins. You kneel before Satan on the block, and after 6 seconds, you fall through. There's 6 arrows on the possession meter, and to reach the goal, you go to the 6th door. That's 666. Everywhere you look, it's the Number of the Beast. In ''The Wizard'', the game's introduction is basically the gates of Hell opening.
'''Video Armageddon Host:''' Come up here, my little beauties!!
'''Crowd:''' 6! 6! 6!
:'''The Nerd:''' Yeah, &quot;Video Armageddon!&quot; The Devil watches you through the whole game. The clouds have eyes, the hills have eyes. Heh, literally, &quot;the hills have eyes.&quot; Thanks Heaven, and we know that there's no need to thank Heaven unless there's the presence of ​Hell. There's 8 worlds. In the eighth world, there's 5 spaces you can stand on where giant hands drag you down to your doom. There's 12 tanks you gotta jump on before the goal, and it takes me 12 jumps to get Bowser to fall down the hole. The 8th letter of the alphabet is H, 5 equals E, 12 equals L, what's that spell? HELL! And what's it sound like when you play the game backwards? (footage is reversed; profanity-laced subliminal message plays) This game's a product of the fucking devil. And none of the other Mario games were like this, so I don't know why it's only this one. But in conclusion, all I can say is that, other than being the total epitome of evil, ''Super Mario Bros. 3'', it's a good game. So good, it's a ''sin''.

=== [[w:List of Nintendo Entertainment System accessories|NES Accessories]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''[Reviewing the [[w:Miracle Piano|Miracle Piano]]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt;'' Other than having standard lessons, you also get a robot game. Play the song right or the robot dies! Then there's a duck game You gotta shoot the ducks. Oh, come on! ''[begins tapping keys rapidly]'' Yeah, I'm shooting ducks with a piano!

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[reviewing the Power Pad and playing ''World Class Track Meet'' with it]'' It was meant to be a family game, but most kids I knew played it alone in their room. And that meant that if your room was upstairs, your parents would hear like all this thumping and shit. They hated it. Cats and dogs would piss and shit on it. In fact, just thinking about it... makes me feel like having an anal evacuation.

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:'''The Nerd''': Yeah. It all comes down to tapping buttons, which brings us to our next accessory. Probably the ''stupidest'' thing ever invented: The SpeedBoard. What is it? It's a piece of fucking plastic. You attach your controller, you get it? In case you don't wanna hold the controller with your hands, in case you enjoy playing on the floor, or behind a table, then this is for you. It's embarrassing. What's the point? To put the speed at your fingers? ''Why in the '''ass''' would I need '''that?''''' If I'm playing a game that involves having to tap the buttons like crazy, I'm probably gonna get a turbo controller, like the NES Max, or NES Advantage. How could they even ''sell'' such a thing? Even though it's made by [Pressman Toys,] a third party company, it was actually licensed by Nintendo. It's like covering a turd in ice cream sprinkles.
:'''The Nerd''': Next up, oh boy: the [[w:Konami|Konami]] [[w:LaserScope|LaserScope.]] Now, I just wanna go on record by saying I fuckin' love Konami, but this thing reeks of ass! It's essentially yet another form of the Zapper, but it's voice-controlled. To shoot, you say &quot;Fire!&quot;
:'''The Nerd''': '''''Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire!''''' It also has headphones, and it advertises on the box that you can use it for your Game Boy or Walkman. Just detach the scope module, yeah. Wow. Yeah, I would look &quot;so cool&quot; walking around listening to my [[w:iPod|iPod]] with this fuckin' thing on my head.
:'''The Nerd:''' It also advertises that &quot;Parents will love what they don't hear.&quot; It says, &quot;While the LaserScope surrounds the player with the sounds of exciting gameplay action, non players can listen to music, read a book, talk on the phone or have a conversation in the same room.&quot; Yeah. While you're saying, '''''&quot;Fire! Fire! Fire!&quot;,''''' it kinda defeats the purpose, right? '''''Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire!''''' Fuck! ''[game shoots]'' I didn't say &quot;Fire!&quot;, I said &quot;Fuck!&quot; Fuck! Fuck-Fire! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Ass! You can say anything. Shit! Bitch! Cunt! Fuck! Fart! ''[shifts to [[w:Duck Hunt|Duck Hunt]].]'' ''Fuck!'' Heh. Wow, I just shot down a duck by sayin' &quot;Fuck!&quot;

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:'''The Nerd''': [of the Roll &amp; Rock] I'm drinkin' Rolling Rock... ''on'' the Roll &amp; Rocker! Rolling Rock, Roll &amp; Rocker! Yeah, Rolling Rock ''on'' the Roll &amp; Rocker! ''[drinks more Rolling Rock]''

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[Playing ''[[w:Super Mario Bros.|Super Mario Bros.]]'' with the [[w:U-Force|U-Force]]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt;'' Get the mushroom, oh-- Aw, now that's assy. Yeah, I know I use the word &quot;ass&quot; a lot. I guess you can say I'm an ass-oholic.

=== [[w:Indiana Jones (franchise)|Indiana Jones Trilogy]] ===

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:'''AVGN''': If even a single pixel of your body comes in contact with any of these walls, it sends you back into the trap. But still, where do you go? You're supposed to touch this one spot on the wall which leads you to the next room. Well, after knowing that you can't touch anything else in the room, ''why the fuck'' would you even consider trying to go through the wall?! Is there ever such a thing as a ''door''?!

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:'''AVGN''': ''(Reviewing ''[[w:Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (Nintendo Entertainment System)|Temple of Doom]]'' for [[w:Nintendo Entertainment System|NES]])'' What's up with Indiana Jones? He looks like a park ranger, and he walks like he just dumped ass.

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:'''AVGN''': All through the game you keep finding swords and guns and stuff but the big question is What do you do with them? The start button brings up this screen which shows your supplies. But how do you select your weapons? You try every button and nothing works. So what's the point of this screen? Nothing. It's just for shits and giggles. Oh well, we're having fun with our whip in the meantime. Then you find that your whip is pretty useless. You can use it to swing around and kill small insects but any of the regular bad guys, it only make them jitter around and grunt.
:'''Enemy''': Huh! Huh!
:'''AVGN''': Huh! It should be a dance. ''(Pretends he's whipping)'' Huh! Huh! Whip it! Huh! Huh!

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:'''AVGN''': ''(reviewing ''The Last Crusade'' on NES)'' How is Indiana Jones such a wimp that he can't set foot in water more shallow than a kiddie pool?

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:'''AVGN''': What dumbasses made this game? [[w:Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade|Should've sent it to the Marx brothers.]]

=== [[w:Star Trek games|Star Trek]] ===
:''[A Klingon ship is attacking The Nerd's house]''
:'''The Nerd''': Wha-what is it, you want Genesis? ''[The Nerd picks up a Sega Genesis]'' You can have Genesis!

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:''[The Nerd turns off the NES Toploader, takes out the game, puts a phaser to it and is about to blast it out of existence, but he hesitates, eases off, and shakes his head.]''
:'''The Nerd''': No. I won't destroy it. Maybe the game designers did the best they could under the given circumstances. ''[to air]'' You hear? You'll have to get your entertainment someplace else. ''[a floating Metron appears in the Nerd's room.]'' You're a Metron.
:'''Metron''': ''Does my appearance surprise you, Nerd?''
:'''The Nerd''': Not really.
:'''Metron''': ''You surprise me.''
:'''The Nerd''': How?
:'''Metron''': ''By sparing the shitty game, you have demonstrated the advanced trait of mercy.''
:'''The Nerd''': ''Mercy '''this,''' motherfucker!'' ''[shoots the Metron]''

=== [[w:Superman video games|Superman]] ===

:'''AVGN''': It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's a shitty game! ''Superman'' for the [[w:Atari 2600|Atari 2600]]. I'm playing it on the [[w:Atari 7800|7800]] just for variety. But anyway, what could be said about Superman? He's one of the most famous superheros of all time. Even the word &quot;super&quot; is in his name. A word that implies excellence, outstanding quality and brilliant divine maginificence! ''(Gameplay of the Atari 2600 game is shown)'' Yeah, this sucks.

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:'''AVGN''': ''(reviewing ''[[w:Superman (Atari game)|Superman]]'' on Atari 2600)'' The whole game is based around the clock - it's all about getting the fastest time, but the only thing that'll eventually happenis you'll throw the game out the window faster than a speeding bullet!

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:'''AVGN''': ''(reviewing ''[[w:superman (Kemco game)|Superman]]'' on NES)'' You have a map screen which seems like it should be self-explanatory enough, but there's times when you have to use a subway train. &quot;'''Oops! You can't ride the subway with no pass!'''&quot; What, are you kidding me? He's ''Superman''! He needs to buy a fuckin' ticket?!

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:'''AVGN''': There's no reason to talk to anybody in this game. It's like in ''Castlevania II: Simon's Quest''. The whole game is full of people who tell you things that don't make any sense or have any [[relevance]] with the game. For example, this old woman tells you not to &quot;look into the Death Star, or you will die&quot;. Well, the [[w:Death Star|Death Star]] is nowhere in the game. Both of these games were released in 1988. Now that must have been the year of people talking and not making sense in video games. ''(talks to an NPC in ''Superman'')'' '''&quot;Haven't you seen the movie, Superman?&quot;''' Yeah, I did, actually! It's nothing like this ''garbage''!

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:'''AVGN''': ''(discussing the stage intermission screen resembling a [[w:Daily Planet|Daily Planet]] newspaper)'' What? &quot;'''Daily Planets'''&quot;? Isn't it just the Daily Planet? I don't know, I've had enough of this. Wait a minute. &quot;'''Stock Market Panic! Stock prices fall!'''&quot;? What, are we talking about ''stocks'' now? &quot;'''Find out why stock prices have fallen'''&quot;. &quot;'''You'll learn about stocks at the stock market.'''&quot; Okay, that's the goal here? To go to the ''stock market''? Oh my god. Do you remember being a kid? Do you remember playing Nintendo? What kind of things were you interested in? Comic books? Video games? Uhhm... the ''stock market''? Yeah, do you think any kid playing this game gives a shit about the fucking stock market?! Just, just, w-wh-''why''? W-wh-why make a game that has anything to do with stocks or taxes or politics? You just don't do that! It's like &quot;What were they thinking!?&quot; Stocks?! I just can't... I just... puh-''(raspberry)''. Augh, God. I just... what a shitload of fuck. That's enough for me. This game is just so awful that it can't be explained. I can review it for another hour and it won't make a difference. It's an unreviewable game. Can not be done justice! If you want to play it and see for yourself, I dare you. But just one warning: You will not be happy. Oh wait, this guy here just gave me a password? What's that for? Like if I want to continue here where I left off? Well, that's completely useless. There's no way I would ever need this password and you wanna know why? Because I'm never fucking playing this game again in my life! ''(Tosses the game out the window)''

=== [[w:Superman 64|Superman 64]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Okay, the wait is finally over. This is the review that everybody wants to see. Here it is, ''Superman''... on [[w:Commodore 64|Commodore 64]].

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:'''AVGN''': Remember those early CD based consoles like the PlayStation and you'd always have to wait for everything to load? Well, it's nothing like that; this thing actually takes 2 minutes and 7 seconds. Yeah, I timed it. Then the title screen starts up with the music, and you're like, ''&quot;WOW!&quot;'' But wait, what the hell's this? Type in the character that appears in &quot;column: 09 row:10&quot;? Oh, come on! I gotta get the code card. Yeah, the code card. Match up the damn numbers and there you go, it's 5. 'WHY DO I GOTTA DO THAT!? So you pick your difficulty, and guess what? It's gotta load again! Fifty-four seconds this time. Not long, but seems like an eternity. So anyway, you get this comic book storyline thing, and then- ''[the &quot;NOW LOADING&quot; screen appears yet again]'' You son-of-a-bitch! Probably two weeks later when you finally start playing the game, you'll be surprised that the graphics are quite decent and the gameplay is self-explanatory. You just fly around and shoot stuff. You don't have to be Clark Kent and find subway passes or any bullshit like that, so it's actually better than the Nintendo version. But that's not sayin' much. That's like sayin' the shit that I took last night was better than the shit I took the day before.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''[holds up Superman 64 cartridge]'' Aw, come on, you really wanna make me play this? Well, I'm gonna do it just for you, 'cause I like ya a lot. Now don't take that too serious.

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:'''AVGN''': First, you're greeted by a smiling cartoon fox. &quot;''Tittus''&quot;? What the fuck is that?

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:'''AVGN''': Looks like Superman's strokin' his super dick.

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:'''AVGN''': ''(after finishing the car-carrying stage 4)'' So I get to the goal, and guess what's next? Seriously, I want you to just take a guess what comes after this. More rings. Yeah. What kind of game is this!? Is this some sort of ''insanity test''?! Well, I'm done. I'm sorry, but that's all I can do. This game doesn't even ''qualify'' as shit! It's like the equivalent of ''shit'' takin' a shit! This is unspeakably, ''shockingly'' bad. It's sickeningly '''loathsome!''' '''It's a fuckin' suffering to the mind'''! It's a bunch of fuck and it doesn't belong on this planet! Somebody's gotta take care of it! This is a job for the fuckin' Nerd! ''[a rock version of [[w:Superman March|Superman Theme]] plays as the Nerd unbuttons his shirt to reveal a blue Superman shirt. Flies up to the sun and tosses the game into it.]''

=== [[w:List of Batman computer and video games|Batman Part One]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''[dressed up as Batman]'' All right, ''[takes off his glasses]'' let's dig in to a big pile of bat shit. As you can see, I'm all ready, because, ''[puts on Bat-Mask]'' in order to play bad Batman games, and do 'em justice... ''[puts glasses back on]'' ''[Batman voice]'' ...you gotta be Batman.

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:'''Batnerd''': ''[Batman: The Caped Crusader]'' There's also this annoying menu screen that keeps popping up. It took me a while to figure out that I activate this thing by pressing Down and the button.
:'''Batnerd''': So I get to this menu by total accident, and I don't know what to do here. What ''is'' all this shit? &quot;Restart game&quot;? Who the fuck's talkin' about restarting? ''[tries to type &quot;N&quot;, but the keyboard doesn't respond]''  Oh, the keypad's busted. Oh, that's great. Yeah, and that's another thing about the Commodore: It only works when it feels like it.
:'''Batnerd''': Well, anyway, the game sucks, gotta give it the Batman punishment! ''[Batman voice]'' '''''I'm Batman.''''' ''[throws the &quot;Batman: The Caped Crusader&quot; Commodore 64 disk to the ground]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Batnerd''': Next up, ''[[w:Batman Forever (video game)|Batman Forever]]'' for the Super Nintendo. Now we're in deep shit, because this game is triceratops testicles.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Batnerd''': Fuck! Shit! Get up there! This is fuckin' '''''BULLSHIT!''''' You'd think to shoot up you just press up, but ''no,'' it '''''jumps!''''' Sometimes I get it to work by '''''pure luck''''' until I found out that, okay, '''''this''''' is how it works: To shoot up, you press '''select''' and '''up''' in a '''''very specific way.''''' You have to press select ''slightly before'' you press jump. If you do it correctly, it shoots the grappling hook straight up in the air. But if you press them both at the same time, you just jump! '''THAT'S A ''GOOD'' REASON WHY THE ''JUMP'' BUTTON SHOULD ''NOT BE UP!!'' WHY CAN'T IT BE ONE OF THE FUCKIN' ''BUTTONS?! HAVIN' THE FUCKIN' UP BUTTON JUMP IS FUCKIN' FUCKED UP!!!''''' If '''''this''''' ''[up on the d-pad]'' aimed your grappling hook and '''''THIS''''' ''[B button]'' jumped, '''''THEN IT WOULD BE FINE! BUT, NO! THEY GOTTA BE THE SAME BUTTON!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Batnerd''': I'd rather have a diarrhea dog take '''''LAVA DUMP''''' all over the screen!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[the Batnerd is in shock over the bad controls of the game]''
:'''Batnerd''': '''WH- THIS IS ''FUCKED'' BEYOND BELIEF!!!''' It's like, the controls in this game are like something you do for a cheat code, '''''not a basic move that you HAVE TO DO in order to play the game!''''' '''Why'd they program it in such an ''asinine, ball-brained, cockamamie, RIDICULOUS FASHION?!''''' It's like, geez, there's four buttons right in the front of the controller! '''LIKE, THAT'S ''NOT ENOUGH'' TO WORK WITH?!''' Instead, they have to, like, program it, like, all into, like, weird, kinda, crazy button combinations and shit?! It's like, what were they thinking?! It's like, '''''up''''' is jump?! '''''Select''''' for the grappling hook?! Select shouldn't even be part of the game, select should be like for the ''menus,'' or something. '''I mean, jeez, like, were they tryin' to just ruin this game? Just flat out, just ''fuck it up?!''''' Well, they did! Batman Forever, '''it ''sucked'' back then, and it ''sucks'' forever!'''
:'''Batnerd''': ''[Batman voice]'' '''I'm Batmaaaaan.''' ''[throws &quot;Batman Forever&quot; to the floor]''
:'''Batnerd''': ''[Batman voice]'' That's it, that's all the shitty Batman games I can take. The review's over.
:''[Joker laughs insanely in the background and appears from behind the couch]''
:'''Joker''': Batman! Batman, you wanna play a '''''really shitty''''' Nintendo game, Batman? Well, how 'bout, ''Return of the Joker'' on the Nintendo Entertainment System, Batman?
:'''Batnerd''': ''[normal voice]'' Yeah, but, I'm not really Batman, though.
:'''Joker''': You're not Batman?! Batman, you're Batman, I'm Batman! ''[laughs insanely]'' Come on, Batman, let's play! Come o- ''[Batnerd punches him in the face and picks him up]''
:'''Batnerd''': I'm not playin' anymore shitty Batman games!
:'''Joker''': ''[chortles]'' Yes, you are! ''[water squirts out of the Joker's flower into the Batnerd's face]'' ''[laughs insanely]'' Ooh, Batman, let me give you a hand! ''[The Batnerd grabs the Joker's hand, and gets electrocuted by a joy buzzer while the Joker laughs and puts &quot;Return of the Joker&quot; into the NES Top Loader and the caption &quot;TO BE CONTINUED...&quot; appears on the screen]''
:'''Batnerd''': ''[narrating]'' Will the Batnerd escape the Joker? What bad games does he have up his sleeve? Tune in next episode, same bat time, same bat channel!

=== [[w:List of Batman computer and video games|Batman Part Two]] ===

:'''Batnerd''': Look at this pandemonium! There's a fucking ceiling waiting to come down and kill me, there's a guy throwing an oil drum, if I try to get out of the way I get hit by these rotating blades and shit. I take the guy down, and then I try to set off the ceiling trap, and... I'm dead.
:''[Joker laughs crazily at Batnerd's misfortune]''
:'''Batnerd''': Shut up!
:'''Joker''': [briefly angry] Fuck you, motherfucker! ''[laughs resumes laughing]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Batnerd''': ''[playing &quot;Batman: Return of the Joker&quot; on Game Boy]'' The controls are like trying to get a horse to wipe its ass on an eagle.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Batnerd''': I swear that these games were programmed by [[w:The Joker|the Joker.]]

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Batnerd''': ''[playing ''Batman: Revenge of the Joker'' on Sega Genesis]'' What's with the gargoyle statues? You shoot them and get nothing. What's the point? And why does it hurt you to touch them? '''''BATMAN CAN'T EVEN TOUCH A FUCKING STATUE?!'''''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Batnerd''': '''''OKAY, SO WHAT'S WITH THIS FUCKING BULLSHIT?!''''' What, do they just die whenever they feel like it? Like is it a glitch, or is it some obscure trick that I don't know about? It's just the first level of the game! '''AGAIN! ''THE FIRST FUCKING LEVEL,'' AND I CAN'T GO ANY FURTHER!''' I've had enough of this catastrophe!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Batnerd''': ''[after subduing the Joker]'' I'm gonna shove these fucking games up your ''ass!'' ''Batman: Revenge of the Joker!'' ''[Joker screams]'' ''Batman: Return of the Joker!'' ''[Joker screams]'' ''Batman Forever!'' ''[Joker screams]'' ''Batman: Return of the Joker'' on Game Boy! ''[Joker screams again]'' And last but not least, ''Batman'' on Commodore 64! ''[Joker screams]''

=== [[w:Deadly Towers|Deadly Towers]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': This is a very special episode because I'm not gonna review the game, the fans are. Yeah. For the first time I asked the fans to recount their experiences with the game and send them to a specified email address. And as a result, this one inbox got over 6,000 messages. So, if you're one of the lucky ones, then I hope you enjoy hearing your words coming out of my mouth. But regardless, thanks for the submissions, thanks for supporting the show, this one's my little reward, to you. Enjoy.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, this must be why the attack is so slow: Our hero must pass the blades out of his cock! Hell, if broadswords shooting out of my cock was my only defense against purple inchworms &amp; bats, I’d probably let them kill me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Even the manual says, &quot;You have no confidence in this sword.&quot; What the fuck kind of advice is that? That's like saying &quot;Buddy, if you play this game, '''YOU'RE GONNA GET FUCKED UP THE ASSHOLE WITH A ''PORCUPINE!! GOOD FUCKIN' LUCK, DOUCHEBAG!&quot;''''' 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''':  You get an inventory screen. It's empty right now, but it seems pretty standard. It tells you your life and everything. It also has this thing called 'ludder'. Yeah, it says you have 50 ludder. I can only assume that that's currency, so I Googled it to check what it meant and according to an Urban Dictionary, 'ludder' means 'cheap-ass hoe'! So, therefore we're already starting out with 50 cheap-ass hoes, so we're doing alright for ourselves. I wonder what the exchange rate is for the expensive whores?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''':  Oh, and the music. The bubbly sound of ripping ass isn't even an adequate way to describe the music in this game!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''':  When they named this game ''Deadly Towers'', they weren't kidding. The last time I saw towers this deadly was when they decided the horses need more fiber in their diets! This game is so fucking hard, it's easier to lift an elephant with my ass while singing Old MacDonald!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Das Spiel ist Scheiße! Dieses Spiel fickt dich härter als das Leben! (Translation: The game is shit! This game fucks you harder than life!) Well, I gave that a try.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': This game is like a never-ending turd that bends around and goes into your mouth, thus creating an endless cycle of eating your own shit whilst taking a crap and occasionally puking up the same for all eternity!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Fuck this game! No, better yet, ''don't'' fuck this game! Don't let your friends fuck it! It's '''unfuckworthy!'''

=== [[w:Battletoads|Battletoads]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' ''Battletoads'' on Nintendo. Now, don't worry, it's a good game. It's actually one of the most memorable games in the NES library. But when it first came out, a lot of people were thinkin', &quot;What is this, a cheap ''Ninja Turtles'' knockoff, or somethin'?&quot; But, uh, it was actually pretty good-- ''[he turns to his right and notices Kyle]'' Who the fuck are you?
:'''Kyle:''' I'm your guitar guy. ''[the Nerd doesn't get it.]'' I sing your theme song... from... behind the couch.
:'''The Nerd:''' Well then, go back behind the damn '''''COUCH!''''' Geez!
:'''Kyle:''' You know, that's not the welcome I really expected.
:'''The Nerd:''' Well, look, you can't just sit here while I do the review.
:'''Kyle:''' ''[stutters]'' Why can't I do the review with you?
:'''The Nerd:''' Oh, uh-- '''''because that's not how it WORKS!''''' It's, like, I play the game, and you-- Get your ass back ''behind the'' '''FUCKIN''''  '''''COUCH!!'''''
:'''Kyle:''' ''[angrily; while fighting back his tears]'' I don't ever get to do anything; you don't even use my song that much anymore.
:'''The Nerd:''' Why are you always behind my damn couch anyway?!
:'''Kyle:''' There are no other couches to go behind!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': The intro shows 3 toads: Rash, Pimple, &amp; Zitz. Why such disgusting names? How about Herpes, Genital Warts, &amp; Gonorrhea?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Level 3 restarts]''
:'''The Nerd''': What? You ''gotta'' be fuckin' kidding me. YOU died, but we ''both'' have to restart the level!
:'''Kyle:''' Sorry.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Kyle:''' ''[singing]'' ''He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard...''
:'''The Nerd''': '''YOU BET YOUR ''ASS!!!'''''

=== [[w:Dick Tracy (video game)|Dick Tracy]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': Remember when everybody was talkin' about ''Dick Tracy?'' 1990, the Warren Beatty film comes out. Everybody went from &quot;Who's Dick Tracy?&quot; to '''''&quot;WHOA,''''' Dick Tracy's the '''''SHIT!'''''&quot; It was like a contemporary film noir; stylish with colorful comic book-style visuals and an all-star cast: Al Pacino, Dustin Hoffman, fuckin' Madonna, but it was kinda over-the-top and silly.
:'''Big Boy''': You dumb Dick.
:'''The Nerd''': It was all right, but its popularity was short-lived. I think it was just an excuse for the kids to say &quot;Dick&quot;.
:'''Flattop''': I guess that's the end of Dick.
:'''Itchy''': Yeah. 30 seconds, no more Dick! 30 seconds, no more Dick!
:'''Big Boy:''' Dumb Dick.
:'''The Nerd:''' You know, [[w:Dick Van Dyke|Dick Van Dyke]] is in the movie. ''[turns to the camera]'' You think that's enough Dicks? ''[holds up the &quot;Dick Tracy&quot; VHS to the camera]'' Like, seriously, when this movie came out, I never said &quot;Dick&quot; so much before in my life. Every kid on the block was runnin' around sayin' &quot;Dick Tracy&quot;, &quot;Dick Tracy&quot;, &quot;Dick this&quot; and &quot;Dick that&quot;! My dad said, &quot;Can't you just call him Richard Tracy?&quot; And I was like, &quot;You know... how is 'Dick' short for 'Richard'?&quot; That doesn't even make any sense. It's like Bill and William, or Jim and James. But at least Bill and Will rhyme, and Jim and James both start with a J. But Richard and Dick? Like, nobody ever says &quot;Dickard&quot;.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' So you get to 5th &amp; B, you go inside, and then the game goes to a side-scroller mode. ''[Zooms in on Dick Tracy's in-game sprite]'' What the hell's wrong with Dickard? He looks like he's got a bad suntan.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' So I go straight over to 8th &amp; J, and it's swarming with bad guys. Even going into this place with full health, it's hard to survive to the end. It's hard as Dick. 
:'''The Nerd:''' So, I get to Numbers, I arrest him, and then...I need more ''evidence?''
:''[footage of the game with Dick Tracy's superior officer scolding him by saying, &quot;You need more evidence before you can arrest someone, Tracy! What's wrong with you?&quot; Apparently, the Nerd is just appalled by this, and this is apparently James D. Rolfe's true anger.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' ''[voice cracks]'' You gotta be fuckin' kidding me! That's '''''ridiculous!''''' Like, '''''what?!''''' Like, you have to travel all around and go to five different buildings, four to get the clues, and then the last one to arrest Numbers! ''All without dying once!'' '''THAT'S WHORESHIT!''' ​And I didn't say &quot;horseshit,&quot; I said ''&quot;whorefuck&quot;.'' '''LIKE A ''WHORE'' TAKIN' A ''FUCK!''''' ''[drinks some Rolling Rock]'' You know, remember when you were a little kid, it was fuckin' Friday, you did all your homework, and you rented a game from the local video store. And this was it, this was your whole weekend; this one game. You didn't have anything else to do, so you had no choice, '''''but to keep playing THAT FIRST PART OF THE GAME OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN!'' AND IT'S LIKE, &quot;YOU KNOW WHAT?&quot; IT'S LIKE, &quot;I WANNA SEE THE REST OF THE GAME, ''YOU CAN'T JUST LET THE GAME FUCKIN' WIN LIKE THAT!&quot;''''' So, '''''THAT'S''''' why you don't give up.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' It begs the question: &quot;Are there '''any''' health power-ups?&quot; And to tell you the truth, I've heard that there is. But I haven't found any, not ''one''. I actually found a heart, yeah, a fuckin' heart, but it did absolutely nothing at all. Yeah, a fuckin' heart that did fuckin' nothing! So, where the power-ups are, I have no idea, but they're probably not in any of the main buildings. They're probably in some obscure building that you wouldn't think to go in anyway, and the roof is probably covered with snipers, which defeats the whole purpose of going there.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' I have another update: I've been informed countless times that the hearts ''are'' the power-ups. So, if the hearts are the power-ups, why don't they do anything? Well, here's how it works. You have to select the fuckin' thing. It's called a First Aid Kit. And then you use it by pressing B, right? No, it still doesn't do jack-shit. You have to hold ''down'' Select and press B at the same time. But that doesn't work either, because as soon as you press Select, it goes to the next item. The trick is that you have to select the item that comes ''before'' the First Aid, and then hold ''down'' Select, so ''now'' the First Aid should be selected, while you're still holding Select. ''Then'' you press B, and there you go! ''How the fuck'' was I supposed to know that?! Why couldn't you just push B like all the other items? 'What kind of stupid fuckin' dick-brained idiot programmed it like that?!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' '''''THIS'' IS THE REASON WHY GAME GENIE WAS INVENTED! I'VE BEEN PLAYING THIS GAME FOR ALMOST 20 ''FUCKIN' YEARS,'' AND I STILL ''CAN'T GET PAST THE FIRST STAGE!''''' So why am I still trying? I don't know, I'm just a sucker for Dick Tracy. &quot;Sucker for Dick&quot;, ''that'' didn't sound good. I'm gonna tell you right now that anybody would have given up on this game had it not been for the name. They made one of the most frustrating games of all time, they took the name &quot;Dick Tracy&quot;, and slapped it on the cover just like slapping their own greedy dick! Well, if this game is dick, then we were the '''''balls.'''''
:'''The Nerd:''' And you know, I really wanted to give it a chance, because '''''I KINDA LIKED''''' the idea of finding clues, and figuring out where to go, like it made you think like a detective. But, '''''ONE guy?! No continues?!''''' Like, seriously, give me a reason why there's no continues. '''WHY ARE THERE NO CONTINUES?! ''WHY ARE THERE NO FUCKING CONTINUES?!?''''' &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''WHYYYYYYY?!?! AAAAGH!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt; 
:''[The Nerd guzzles down some more Rolling Rock, does a [[w:Mortal Kombat (1992 video game)|Mortal Kombat]] scream into his pillow, and then has a meltdown.]'' 
:'''The Nerd:''' ''[bellowing]'' '''''FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-FUCKING-FUCKING-FUCK! FUCKING-FUCK! FUUUUUCK!''''' ''[The Nerd finishes his Rolling Rock, grabs a drill and drills through the game as the cartridge spins uncontrollably, then the screen quickly cuts black as the Nerd smashes the game with a hammer.]''

=== [[w:Dracula in popular culture|Dracula]] ===

:'''AVGN''': ''(Playing [[w:The Count (video game)|The Count]] on the [[w:Commodore VIC-20|Commodore VIC-20]], the Nerd types in &quot;Eat pillow&quot; when the game text asks him what he wants to do. The game responds &quot;'''Yuck!'''&quot;)'' Okay, so I ate the pillow? I didn't expect that. &quot;Get up.&quot; ''(Game responds &quot;'''I'm in a bedroom. Closed window. Brass Bed. North.'''&quot;)'' Uhhh...okay. &quot;Go north.&quot; ''(Game responds &quot;'''OK. What shall I do now?'''&quot;)'' Okay, so I went north? What did that do? &quot;Go east.&quot; ''(Game responds &quot;'''OK. What shall I do now?'''&quot;)'' &quot;Go east again.&quot; ''(Game responds &quot;'''Use 1 or 2 words only!'''&quot;)'' Oh okay. I'll give you two words! &quot;Fuck you!&quot; ''(Game responds &quot;'''Don't know how to &quot;FUCK&quot; something.'''&quot; The Nerd looks on in shock, and does a facepalm)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(Playing the unreleased ''[[w:Drac's Night Out|Drac's Night Out]]'' on NES, which features [[w:Reebok Pump|Reebok Pumps]] as a power-up)'' Your only real power-ups are the Reebok Pumps. They let you run faster and jump higher. You really need to get these shoes, because without them, you get your ass handed to you. That's what I call a powerup, and that's what I call a promotion. Reebok Pumps! You ain't shit without it! Pump it up and air it out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Even though it pisses me off, I can't really complain because this game was never released. It's like somebody took a fuck and buried it and then someone else decided to dig it up. It's like &quot;What do you expect?&quot;

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:'''AVGN''': ''(Upon finding the name of television producer [[w:Fred Fuchs|Fred Fuchs]] in the credits for ''[[w:Bram Stoker's Dracula (video game)|Bram Stoker's Dracula]]'' on SNES)'' Wait, who's this? Fred Fudge - Fred Fucks?! FRED FUCKS?! Fred Fucks! Oh my God, &quot;Fred Fucks&quot;! Ohh, my God, it's Fred Fucks! (Laughs awkwardly) Fred Fucks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(Playing ''Bram Stoker's Dracula'' on Sega CD)'' I actually did manage to get to Dracula, at least in his first form, and he looks just as laughable as he did in the movie. But the most ridiculous part is when you die.
:'''Keanu Reeves:''' ''(Screams)''
:'''AVGN''': ''(Mimics scream)'' What the hell, is that clip even from the movie? I don't know, maybe it's from ''Bill &amp; Ted''.
:'''Keanu Reeves:''' ''(Screams)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%/&gt;
:'''AVGN''':  The game looks amazing for its time, but the control is what kills it. It's so awkward trying to jump. You fall through shit, and the attacks are so delayed. It's impossible to turn around and hit your enemies before they hit you, you just wish you had a whip or a sword or something, not your bare hands. All you get is this stupid little kick to kick the fuckin' rats. Yeah, that's all it is is just rats and bats. How many fucking games need to have bats? Like seriously, I know it's Dracula, but why does every game have every fucking bats?! Seriously. I! Fucking! Hate! Bats! ''(Bites and fights a bat as he throws a bat to the wall then he groans.)'' I'm sick of it all! Morning sun, VANQUISH ME!!! ''(Opens blinds as he cries out.)''

=== [[w:Frankenstein (disambiguation)|Frankenstein]] ===
:'''AVGN''': Alright, so tonight we'll do something a little different. Cause I haven't tortured myself enough with all these shitty games! So I created a monster to conduct the review for me. Behold, Franken-Nerd! I could really use another bolt of lightning! (lightning strikes and the Nerd pulls the switch) Yeah! It's alive! It's alive!

&lt;hr width&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': This is the game. [Franken-Nerd growls] ''[[w:Mary Shelley's Frankenstein (video game)|Mary Shelley's Frankenstein]]'' on Super Nintendo. Game, good.
:'''Mike Matei as Franken-Nerd''': Good.
:'''AVGN''': [chuckles] You bet your ass it's good. (The Nerd puts in the game) Here's the controller for you, hit start and knock yourself out. Have fun.

&lt;hr width&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(after shutting off Franken-Nerd, who was playing ''The Adventures of Dr. Franken'' for the Nerd up until then)'' The biggest mistake Dr. Frankenstein made. If you're gonna make a monster, you better be able to shut it down. ...But unfortunately, I can't shut off the game, for the monsters in my soul. It's my duty - (Chuckles) &quot;doody&quot; - to play it for myself and ''explain'' why this game sucks! 'Cause I created a monster, and there's no turning back.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(Playing ''[[w:Frankenstein: The Monster Returns|Frankenstein: The Monster Returns]]'' on the [[w:Nintendo Entertainment System|NES]]]'' Stage four is the final stage. Yeah they chose to keep the game as short as possible, yet as annoying as possible. This place is all fucked up. There's all these weird faces in the background. Like where are you supposed to be? Beside Satan's asshole?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': So now, just to try again I gotta type in the fucking password! It's so tedious! I mean it's not the longest password I've ever seen but it's still longer than necessary. But unlike most passwords if you move the d-pads to the sides, it doesn't move your cursor to the other side! So say your cursor's on the letter K and you need to move to J, in most games all you need to do is move your cursor left and it will show up on J. But here, you can't do that! You have to move the cursor all the way to the fucking J! A lot of effort considering J comes right before K. It's so fucked up. And, also, if you enter the password and it turns out that it's wrong, like if you messed up on one letter it erases the whole thing and you gotta type it in all over again! Why can't I just go back and fix the one letter? I really ''hate'' this password thing in general because, what's the point? You should have unlimited continues. Yeah, because the only reason you should have to put in a password is if you turn the game off and want to come back to it later. As long as you're still playing, you're gonna keep playing the same stages over and over and over again, so what's the point of sending you all the way back to the beginning? The earlier stages are the easiest, and those are the stages you end up playing the most. It's the later stages where you need the most practice! It's all about trial and error. Like imagine if in high school, you fail out of senior year. What happens? You do senior year again, right? You don't have to go back and do freshman year again! So, BOTTOM LINE, HAVE UNLIMITED CONTINUES! Goddammit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Anyway, I can't get past the vines so I'm going to cheat with Game Genie, the last resort. But check out these codes! &quot;Almost unlimited energy&quot;, &quot;Invincibility after losing first life - May cause the game to freeze&quot;, &quot;Start with no continues&quot;, &quot;Can not collect extra energy&quot;, and &quot;One hit is fatal&quot;! What kinds of codes are these!? Is there like some sick fuck who thinks the game isn't hard enough? Like somebody who wants to be tortured some more? Well, how about this? I got a code for you. How about a code that just starts you off dead? ''(Subtitle: &quot;PHUCKEWE&quot;)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': At first the code works fine but then I found out if you collect energy it takes life away. Not that you would need to collect energy, but it's kinda silly, isn't it? And, guess what, once you get to the vines, you still die! Well, that would have been nice! Why couldn't the code say Invincibility Except For The Vines? Even if you pass the vines the invinciblity goes away so you're left with your own wits to fight Frankenstein. So, fuck the Game Genie, and let me tell you when Game Genie doesn't help, you know you're fucked! ''(the Nerd throws the Game Genie.)'' So, you fight Frankenstein. His first form's pretty easy, but, then, he grows into a giant Super Frankenstein. Come on! Come on! Come on, you fucking Fuckinstein! ''(Lightning strikes the Franken-Nerd and he starts attacking the Nerd while he's fighting Super Frankenstein and a rock version of the Angry Video Game Nerd theme plays then the Nerd eventually beats Super Frankenstein)'' Yeah! ''(The NES Toploader electrocutes the TV as the TV explodes, an explosion kills the Franken-Nerd)''

=== [[w:CD-i|CD-i Part One]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Ohhhhh, boy, let’s talk about the Philips CD-i. Now, if you’re not familiar with the backstory, I’ll give you a quick little run-down. Nintendo was working in conjunction with Philips to produce a CD-based add-on for the Super NES, which never came through. Now Nintendo was also working with Sony on the same concept, and we all know what came of that: the PlayStation. (The Nerd holds up the PlayStation with both hands.) But as for Philips, they too made their own game console, however they had permission to utilize some of the Nintendo franchises. Now what came to that was a shitty Mario game, (Hotel Mario) and three shitty Zelda games: Link: The Faces of Evil, Zelda’s Adventure, and Zelda: The Wand of Gamelon. (The Nerd tries to open the awkward looking case for &quot;Wand of Gamelon.&quot;) (awkwardly) Okay. These games are ''notorious'' for their legendary ass suckage, which is hard to believe! How can there exist a bad ''Zelda'' game, let alone ''three'' of them? And on a console that's not Nintendo? Well if you haven't heard of 'em, you might think you're living under a rock, but let me tell you, it's a rock worth living under.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': But before we get to the ''Zelda'' games, let's start off with ''[[w:Hotel Mario|Hotel Mario]]''. The price on this one, I got to be honest, was zero because this one was a donation. Thanks, Casey! You might as well have sent me a turd wrapped in tinfoil.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': So, often, you find yourself having to hit up on the down arrow, and when you go down to the up arrow you press down. That's fucking confusing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The game is actually more reminiscent of arcade games from the early ‘80s like Donkey Kong and Mario Bros. And for something like that, Hotel Mario actually isn’t too bad. It is challenging, I’ll give it that, but the fact is, this was not the early ‘80s; this was 1994, and it was a next-generation console. Originally, they planned to release a sequel to [[w:Super Mario World|Super Mario World]] titled [[w:Super Mario’s Wacky Worlds|Super Mario's Wacky Worlds]], but it was cancelled, and what we got was this. (Hotel Mario) End of story. Well, all the CD-i stuff is a shit sandwich that’s too big for one mouthful. So check in for Part 2, we’re gonna look at the Zelda games.

=== [[w:CD-i|CD-i Part Two]] ===
:'''AVGN''': ''(discussing the boss battles)'' When you kill them, you get these amusing cutscenes.
:'''Hectan''': You've killed me!
:'''Zelda''': Good!
:'''AVGN''': ''(horrified face)'' &quot;Good!&quot; ''(laughs)'' &quot;You killed me!&quot; &quot;Good!&quot; ''(laughs insanely, then starts saying &quot;FUCK!&quot; in a very chicken-like voice while giving both middle fingers. Then he stops and picks up Rolling Rock)'' Gotta calm down. ''(drinks it, then resumes playing)'' Oh, man, I'm going completely insane. But I can't quit because I'm up to Ganon.
:'''Ganon''': YOU DARE BRING LIGHT TO MY LAIR!? YOU MUST DIE!
:'''AVGN''': He looks like a joke! He makes the Ganon from the cartoon series look badass!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Well, in conclusion, some might say that there are redeeming factors to this game. The music's pretty cool, and the graphics are nice and colorful. Some might call it a &quot;mixed bag.&quot; But let me tell you what kind of mixed bag. It’s a trash bag that's had a bad day. Like, say, your mom cleans out the cat litter; fresh and stale doody pebbles go right in the bottom of the bag. And then your sister throws out her used tampons, and where do they go? In the same bag. And then your brother comes home, piss-ass drunk, just upchucks, pukes right into the bag! Now, I'm not trying to be disgusting, but that is a realistic situation, and what it all comes down to, that's a nasty bag. But I'd rather take that shit out to the garbage than deal with this piece of fuck! Fuck this game, get out of my face!

=== [[w:CD-i|CD-i Part Three]] ===

:'''AVGN''': ''(Playing ''[[w:CD-i games based on The Legend of Zelda series|Link: The Faces of Evil]]'')'' And the jumping is still a big problem. Come on, why can't I get up there? ''(Link falls off platform)'' Oh, your mother! ''(Link jumps up and misses)'' Oh, you son of a bitch. Get up there! ''(Link jumps up and misses again, later falls off ledge)'' ''Ungh!'' ''(Link jumps up and misses once again)'' It's time to start droppin' some F-Bombs! ''(as literal F-Bombs fly from his mouth)'' FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The darkness is still a huge issue. Look, my lantern oil ran out, so I can't find my way back. So I'm really up Shit Creek without a paddle! And that means I'm paddling through the shit with my hands.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Talking to people is still a strange ordeal. Why do you have to shove a sword up their ass? Right up their ass.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Then you gotta wake Zelda. Come on! I'm here to rescue your royal ass. Get the hell up! Wake the fuck up! ''(swings the sword at the gong above Zelda)'' Oh, I get it.
:'''Link:''' I just saved you from Ganon! I won!
:'''AVGN''': Nothing short of poetry.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': In other Zelda games, there’s secret passageways that transport you all around the dungeon. That makes sense. But here, when you’re just walking to the next screen, and suddenly appear some place different on the map, it’s like, &quot;What the Hell happened to this game?&quot; I don't believe this! Like, [Stammers] I seriously don't believe this! ''[drinks beer]'' That's it, that's all I can take. How could they fuck up ''Zelda'' this bad!? It's not a ''Zelda'' game, I wouldn't call it that. &quot;Oh, but it is. It has Zelda in it, it has Link...&quot; Yeah, you know what, that's a pointless argument right there. That's like if your dad said, &quot;I fucked your mom.&quot; It's like: &quot;I can't argue with that!&quot; Playing these games is as worthwhile as melting a dog turd in a frying pan. Yeah, put some buffalo puke and some cat piss all over it, and you have a shit sandwich that is Zelda CD-i! This game FUCKING SUCKS! ''(hurls a game off-screen)'' FUCKING SUCKS! ''(hurls a second game off-screen)'' FUCKING SUCKS! ''(hurls a third game off-screen)'' Oh yeah, and the ''Mario'' game? That one sucks too! ''(hurls ''Hotel Mario'' off-screen)'' CD-i SUCKS!!! ''(as the screen fade to black, AVGN is heard seemingly hurling the CD-i console itself as well)''

=== Bible Games II ===

:'''AVGN''': Welcome to another sacrilegious Christmas fuck-fest! Now, two years ago, I played a bunch of Bible games. Yeah, now would you believe there's actually more of them? (He holds more Bible games) Like, who makes video games based off the Bible? Why would you do that? These games suck ass! If I was God, I'd be pissed.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(playing ''[[w:Exodus (video game)|Exodus]]'' on the NES)'' So the exit appears, you take it and then you get a bunch of Bible questions such as &quot;'''The king of Egypt told the Hebrew midwives to: Kill male babies; Kill all babies;'''&quot; &quot;Kill all babies&quot;? I'm playing an NES game that says &quot;''Kill all babies''&quot;? And you know what? That's the wrong answer, so that obviously means that's something they made up. &quot;Kill all babies&quot;!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(playing ''[[w:Sunday Funday|Sunday Funday]]'' which is a clone of Menace Beach)'' Instead of trying to rescue your girl, you're not even going to believe this when I tell you, you're trying to get to Sunday school. Yeah. Now, as much as that's the dumbest idea I've ever heard for a game, what I don't understand is why that's so difficult! Who ''are'' these raging atheists that don't want you to go to church!? It's bad enough that the entire town is trying to stop you, but what's with the flying clowns, the old ladies coming out of boxes, and animals coming out of sewer holes? What's this guy's problem? Like why does everyone want him dead? I'd say he's having quite a day. And the funny thing is, he probably gets to church and doesn't even mention it, like: &quot;Oh what did you do on this Sunday morning before church?&quot; &quot;Oh, well I flew on a balloon that I got from some clown, and then I went through the sewers and beat up a bunch of plumbers. I hopped on some frog and bounced around on a bunch of springs and shit, then I threw a bomb and blew some guy's fuckin' face off.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': All right, well that's enough with that one. It's time to wrap things up. I've got something to blow the lid off the crap barrel. Time to flick the shit switch, turn up the diarrhea dial! IT'S BIBLE GAMES ON CD-I!! Yeah! We're living on the edge! More like living on a prayer!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(playing'' Pyramid Pursuit ''on'' Moses: The Exodus'' for CD-i)'' The voices are the fuckest baloney shit you'll ever hear.
:'''Anubis statue''': ''(in monotone)'' I'm an idol worshipped by many. There's someone downstairs who worships me.
:'''AVGN''': What is it, a robot?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Alright, well I'm done. There's not really any more Bible games, or at least ones that actually qualify as games. There's one on Game Boy called The King James Bible. It's extremely rare, but all it is is literally the whole Bible on a Game Boy cartridge. So I'm gonna draw the line right there. So have a Happy Holidays and all that good shit. Merry Christmas to all, and all a good fucking night!

=== [[w:Michael Jackson's Moonwalker|Michael Jackson's Moonwalker]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' I think Dave Chappelle said it best, he made ''Thriller. [opens the vinyl record of &quot;Thriller&quot;] Thriller.''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Now, I know what we're all thinking here, but really, that's all it is. You're just rescuing the kids.
:''[He is shocked to learn that you can make Michael Jackson grab his crotch.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Why...? Why would they put that in the game?! ''How'' could they put that in the game?!

=== [[w:Milon's Secret Castle|Milon's Secret Castle]] ===
:''[Milon runs out a door, and gets hit by lightning in-game.]'' 
:'''The Nerd''': Fuck.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': I'm gonna give you a little tour. Here's the first part of the game. You could explore the whole outside of the castle, but you can't go up to the second level yet. For now, all you have is three doors and a window. The first door leads to a room that has nothing interesting. The only thing interesting here is an area with a bunch of money. But how the Hell do you get over there? It's like the game is deliberately taunting you. &quot;Hey, you want that money, don't ya? You want that money, yeah, you want that money, you want that money? Yeah, well '''fuck you''', you can't have it!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So, that's when you need... the power. ''[The Nerd puts down the controller and gets out his Nintendo Power magazine.]'' ''Nintendo Power''! It's like: &quot;You wanna know how to beat the game? Well, you gotta '''buy our magazine''', you dumb little shits!&quot; 
:'''The Nerd''': This is the ''Classified Information'' section. Usually, this is all about cheats. &quot;''Golgo 13'': Stage Select. ''Spy Hunter'': Start with all weapons. ''Wizards and Warriors'': Bypass the Wizard! ''Mario 2'': Short Cuts to Birdo. ''Milon's Secret Castle'': Getting Started?&quot; That's not a cheat! That's just how to play the fuckin' game! The basic rules of the game needed ''Nintendo Power''. ''That''... is some fuck!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''':''Milon's Secret Castle''. More like '''''Milon's SHITTY ASSHOLE'''''!

== Season Four ==

=== [[w:Atari Jaguar|Atari Jaguar Part One]] ===
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': This started a little trend I like to call the &quot;Bit Wars.&quot; Nobody ever talked about bits before that and nobody ever talked about bits since. And what are bits, anyway? Nobody knew, they're just bits! Try explaining that to your parents. &quot;Well I want a [[w:Super Nintendo|Super Nintendo]] for Christmas!&quot; &quot;Don't you already have a Nintendo?&quot; &quot;Yeah, but this one's 16 bit!&quot; &quot;What's that?&quot; &quot;...I dunno!&quot;

=== [[w:Atari Jaguar|Atari Jaguar Part Two]] ===

:'''AVGN''': ''(playing ''[[w:Attack of the Mutant Penguins|Attack of the Mutant Penguins]]'')'' This is the weirdest game I've ever played. I mean, it's not ''bad'' if you're drunk or high or something, but how did they come up with this shit? I got it. I could come up with a game like this. How about, you're a shark? And you gotta shake palm trees 'til trains fall down. And you put the trains in an apple and then turkeys come and eat the apples, and then the turkeys go up waterfalls and to get them down, you have to collect monkey butts. So you drop the monkey butts on power lines and... ''(trails off and mimes his brain exploding)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Skylar''': ''(the green face from ''[[w:Cybermorph|Cybermorph]]'' appears from behind AVGN's futon and chases him off)'' Where did ''you'' learn to fly? Where did ''you'' learn to fly? Where did ''you'' learn to fly?
:'''AVGN''': ''(shoots Skylar's image with the Super Scope)'' Where'd ''you'' learn to be an ''asshole''?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''':There's something about this that perplexes me. You have a game console, that not many people owned, so you make an add-on that requires owning the game console. What were they thinking?! It should've just been its own individual game system. Besides, the fucking thing has its own AC adapter. So, that's two. One for the Jaguar, and one for the Jaguar CD. And that's some cool looking design. It looks just like a toilet. Yeah! It's a fucking toilet! What a perfect analogy. 

&lt;hr width&quot;50$%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Well, thanks for trying. And thanks for the Pong console. Would you believe that a 30-year-old Pong console attached to a cell phone adapter would work, but a cutting-edge, snarling Jaguar doesn't? There's something wrong here. And you know what? I blew 250 bucks on this thing. So, you know what I did? Bought another one. Yeah, and guess what? It doesn't work, either! So, that's about $450 total I blew on two dead Jaguars. And these things are rare! So when the only two that I can manage to get my hands on just don't work, that leads me to believe that these things most definitely are self-aware. They don't wanna work! You can't make 'em! They just REFUSE to be reviewed! And I've never had that happen. So, the end... I gotta take a shit.

=== [[w:Metal Gear (video game)|Metal Gear]] ===
:'''AVGN''': And his full name is [[w:Solid Snake|Solid Snake]]? Might as well just be Erect Cock!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': What!? '''You son-of-a-bitch!''' The enemies respawn if you use the binoculars! You can't do anything! Was this a glitch?! Or were the game designers deliberately trying to be '''FUCKIN' ASSHOLES!!?''' Seriously! And this whole jungle scene wasn't even in the original version. Like, &quot;Hmm, let's see, what kind of stupid shit can we add? Let's take a great game and just dump an assload of diarrhea all over it.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': This game is the fucking crust between your balls. It's terrible! And yeah, I know it's a classic game, but when something's fucked up, it's fucked up. So if you wanna rip me a new asshole, that's fine. I have like 12. Yeah, I've got a [[w:Charlie Brown|Charlie Brown]] ghost ass.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': And it's not just me. [[w:Hideo Kojima|Hideo Kojima]] himself said &quot;It slurped anal grease through a warthog's dickhole.&quot; Well, he didn't say it like that, he said it wasn't faithful to his original game.

=== [[w:Magnavox Odyssey|Odyssey]] ===

:'''AVGN''': These are the games. Pretty elaborate, right? The titles are the best part. Like what are some of the games you grew up with? Maybe ''Wrecking Crew'' on the NES, or ''After Burner'' on the Sega Master System, or, how about, game number 1 on the Odyssey?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Now let's try the skiing game. All you do is move the light through the slopes, and with these controllers, it's harder than it looks. The only goal is to stay in the line and see how fast you can get to the end. It's up to the other player to keep time. Now THAT is what you would call a ''desperate'' attempt at a video game.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': This one's called &quot;Analogic&quot;. Yeah, that sounds fun: It's like the logic in your ass. It's supposed to take place in outer space. You each start on your own planet. I guess maybe Uranus and My-anus!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(talking about the name-the-United-State game)'' I also love how the instructions tell you that Alaska and Hawaii aren't really down there ''(below the 48 consecutive states)''. Hey, Nerdy Turd, did you know that Hawaii isn't really south of Texas?
:'''Nerdy Turd:''' ''(raspberry)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': So now, let's see what the Odyssey Gun looks like. ''(removes the peripheral, resembling an authentic rifle, out of its box)'' Well, the Odyssey doesn't fuck around. I mean, this is what you'd call a ''gun''. I mean look at it! It's a gun! It's a fucking rifle! I mean, they could never get away with this nowadays! You could never, ever... it ju- it just blows my mind that there could exist a video game console that has a gun like this! ''(expresses happiness)'' Let's try it out! (hooks up the Odyssey gun and fires it, accidentally shooting a hole in his TV screen)

=== [[w:List of X-Men video games|X-Men]] ===
:'''AVGN''': Anyway, with a concept like ''X-Men'', you'd expect a great game. Or at least, a fairly decent game. All the characters and powers and shit... How hard could it be? Well, we are doomed from the very start. Take a look: ''(holds up ''[[w:The Uncanny X-Men (video game)|The Uncanny X-Men]]'' for NES)'' Somebody makes an ''X-Men'' game for Nintendo, why in the love of fuck does it have to be [[w:LJN|LJN]]? You take one look at that logo, and you just know: There is no gold at the end of that rainbow, because this, my friends, is the unholy stamp of death.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': How I can be frozen with a character that's called Iceman? I'd be better off with Iceman from ''Top Gun''.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The X-Men game I remember most fondly is the [[w:X-Men (1992 video game)|arcade]] by Konami. Some versions have six players and a double panoramic screen. It was extremely monotonous, but satisfying as all Hell.
:'''Magneto''': X-Men, welcome to die!
:'''AVGN''': Welcome to die? Okay. It was a classic style beat 'em up, and one of the best in that category. Only problem: it was never released on a home console. It suffered the same fate as Konami's Simpsons game. Some might say these games would have been butchered on their home counterparts, but if you look at how well Turtles in Time fared on the Super NES, it only raises the question: &quot;Why the fuck not do the same to X-Men and Simpsons?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': When it comes to X-Men games, that's how I recommended. But the two NES versions? Stay away. Stay away as far as possible. They suck. They suck balls! This one sucks my left ball, this one sucks my right ball! WELCOME TO DIE! ''(destroys the NES games with laser beams from his eyes)''

=== [[w:Terminator video games|The Terminator]] ===
:''[Terminator-styled AVGN intro, followed by the Nerd picking up the NES &quot;Terminator&quot; cartridge. He uses Terminator vision to choose from a selection of responses: &quot;This sucks!&quot;, &quot;No way!&quot;, &quot;Oh no!&quot;, &quot;What a piece of fucking dog shit!&quot; and &quot;Go to Hell!&quot;. He settles on &quot;What a piece of fucking dog shit!&quot;]''
:'''The Nerd''': What a piece of fuckin dog shit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[He returns to NES Terminator after mining lives by attaching a wrench to the controller]'' Alright, I'm back. I'm all refreshed, ready to play some more ''Terminator'' with all new extra lives. All 6 of 'em... ''[The Nerd stops after he finds out that he still only has 6 lives]'' ''(shocked)'' 6? '''''Only 6?!'''''  OK, I gotta be honest. It's only one digit, I didn't expect more than nine. But why a random number like 6?! That means that some fucked up masochist actually programmed it that way, and made a decision, &quot;Hmm, let's see. Well, anything more than 6, that's too much.&quot; Fuckin' asshole! The only thing I can think of now, is to wait 'til you die 5 times and do it again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing the SNES game]'' After such a long sprint, you'd think that thing was maybe the boss, but no, how naïve. So you keep running this everlasting shitty marathon, shooting shit and getting shit shot at you. Eventually you come to the boss, right? It's certainly big enough to be the boss, and it certainly took long enough to get this far. I'm gonna say it's the boss. Come on, die! Die! Yeah, alright, that's it. What now? What? Are you fucking kidding me? Holy mother in fucking God shit holy mackerel gosh damn, how is it not over yet?! How long could this first level possibly go?! Unless maybe the whole game is like this! I just can't fuckin' believe it! So I died, like anybody would. Game Over. First level goes on forever. Can't beat it. End of story. The game's impossible.

=== [[w:Terminator video games|Terminator 2: Judgement Day]] ===

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''[on ''Terminator 2'' on SNES]'' All I can say is, my ''God,'' the control is ''so'' bad. It's so stiff, and you can't punch anyone when they're too close. But check out the jump. What is that good for? It's like he's a marionette, or he's being hanged by an invisible rope. ''(The Terminator hops forward awkwardly)'' Like, holy Lord, that is some fuck right there. Look at him go! Wooo, wooo, wooo! ''(chuckling)'' Oh, God. I can't see the reasoning behind it. You can't make something that funny by accident. They took somebody as badass as the Terminator, and made him into a mockery. It's a fuckin' joke! And I'm not just doin' this to be funny, it's because of how slow he walks. The only way to go any faster is to hop around like a fuckin' idiot.

=== [[w:Transformers: Convoy no Nazo|Transformers]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': Let me ask a question. What kind of format do you usually play video games on? Cartridges, CDs, cards, floppy disks... how about an audio cassette? Isn't that just a weird thought to play a game on a friggin' cassette tape? This is Transformers for the Commodore 64, the computer that is most definitely more than meets the eye.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[reviewing ''[[w:The Transformers (1986 video game)|Transformers]]'' on the Commodore 64]'' By the way, I'm at a farm with a dinosaur stepping on a space shuttle. I have no comment.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Wouldn't you think that a game based on the Transformers would have more emphasis on action rather than this strategic simulation thing? Well, guess what? There was a Transformers game that was a side-scroller. But only in Japan. Let me introduce the Nintendo Famicom. Simply put, this is the Japanese [[w:Nintendo Entertainment System|NES]]. Very different from that gray box, isn't it? This one's smaller and it's a top-loader. It has a nice dust tray. And the controller's attached to the console, which is efficient. But the wires are too short, and they're hardwired into the console, so you can never change them. The controllers are the same; Select, Start, B, A. But the second controller, instead of Select and Start, it has a microphone. Very few games utilized this. From what I understand, in The Legend of Zelda, you kill Pols Voice by making a loud noise into the mic. Of course that's only in the Japanese version, but the manual still says that Pols Voice hates loud noises, which only mystified players outside of Japan. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[reviewing &quot;Transformers: Convoy no Nazo&quot;]'' Everything's so small, so fast, and moves at such irregular patterns, hitting your mark is like trying to piss into a shot glass that's spinning on a record player that's strapped to a running cheetah's back while you're riding a unicycle on a tightrope blindfolded.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[the Nerd is fighting the boss battle against [[w:Megatron (Transformers)|Megatron]] in stage nine.]''
:'''The Nerd''': It's the end of the road, Megatron!  UUNNNHH! '''HUUAAH!''' '''''HUNNNGGHH!'''''! Come on, come on, die! Hugh! ''[defeats Megatron]'' BOOM! Yeeeaaaah!!! Now that's some intense shit right there. In conclusion, all I can say about this game--
:''[as the Nerd is talking, the level startup music plays and the stage theme begins playing again, this time for the tenth and final stage. The Nerd pauses the game in disbelief.]''
:'''The Nerd''': Stage ''ten?'' I fuckin' beat Megatron, who the hell could be next? Fuckin' &quot;stage ten&quot;, my ass! I'm guessing if Megatron's not the final boss, it's gotta be [[w:Galvatron|Galvatron]] or maybe [[w:Unicron|Unicron]] or Fuckitron, who knows. 
:''[the final boss of the game is [[w:Trypticon|Trypticon]], who is in his form that makes him strongly resemble [[w:Mechagodzilla|Mecha-Godzilla]].]''
:'''The Nerd''': Oh. It's Mecha-Godzilla. Of course. I should've known.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So now, is it any wonder why this game was never released outside of Japan? ''''''CAUSE NOBODY ELSE WANTS TO PLAY THIS FUCKIN' SHIT!''''' Well, I gotta do what I gotta do. ''[points the Zapper at the Famicom]'' One shall stand, one shall-- ''[the Famicom transforms into Optimus Prime.]'' Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa. Who are you?
:'''Optimus Prime:''' My name is Optimus Prime.
:'''The Nerd''': Well, you don't look anything like-- ''[Optimus blasts the Nerd with a laser]'' '''''Ugh!'''''
:'''Optimus Prime:''' ''[using audio from ''[[w:The Transformers: The Movie|The Transformers: The Movie]]'']'' (You, who are without mercy, now plead for it?) I thought you were made of sterner stuff.

=== [[w:Mario is Missing|Mario Is Missing]] ===

:'''AVGN''': What's this say? &quot;Koopas seem to have gotten clean away with King Kong&quot;? Are you telling me you're supposed to return [[w:King Kong|King Kong]] to the [[w:Empire State Building|Empire State Building]]? This blows my mind on '''so''' many levels. First of all, how did the Koopas capture King Kong? Second, why is New York City concerned that King Kong was stolen from the Empire State Building? Remember when the planes were tryin' to shoot him down? Isn't it pretty clear they want Kong '''''off''''' the building? Third, if this is supposed to be an educational game teaching us things that belong to New York City, '''''WHY IN THE HOLY MOTHER OF FUCK DID THEY CHOOSE A GIANT APE THAT DOESN'T EVEN EXIST?!''''' Fourth, the bag. Okay, King Kong is like, 50 feet tall or somethin'? But in this game, they made him out to be, like, 1,500 feet. How big ''is'' he exactly? Well, if bigger than the Empire State Building isn't a good enough analogy, then let's just say, '''''A LOT BIGGER THAN THAT FUCKIN' BAG!''''' And fifth, I can't grasp the concept that King Kong is in a ''Mario'' game, the same character that was a direct inspiration for Donkey Kong, who also appeared in games with the Mario character. Are we running into some kinda paradox here or what?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': There's sort of like a help desk where you're supposed to return the object or the landmark or whatever, but the lady at the window won't talk to you unless you call Yoshi to come and give ya an extra boost. Okay, so are you telling me that the reason that stupid bitch won't talk to you at first is because Luigi is too short to reach the window? For fuck's sake, he can jump higher than the shittin' thing! How stupid do they think we are?! &quot;'''Use Yoshi to reach the help desk'''&quot;. Well, how about use my greasy Italian plumber cock to whack you across the fuckin' face!?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': You know what? Educate me. '''Please''' educate me. Because, I'm goin' through sensory deprivation! I'm so fuckin' bored I'd rather go back to school than play this shit!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Educational or not, these games are '''''horrible''''' abominations of space and time that give insult to the very fabric of nature itself! In other words... they suck.

=== [[w:Plumbers Don't Wear Ties|Plumbers Don't Wear Ties]] ===

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I remember in the early '90s seeing commercials for the 3DO. It was advertised as the most advanced game system and it forced itself right into your face, like: &quot;If you don't get this thing, you're gonna get left in the dust.&quot; It even went out of its way to insult Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis, saying that those are just baby toys. Well, everybody I knew had those &quot;baby toys&quot; and nobody--I repeat, NOBODY, I have ever met owned a 3DO. Probably because its price in the US was $700. I mean, FUCK. But you better buy it, because this is the real gaming console. That was its slogan, REAL, because it's a real pieceashit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Well, the game is called &quot;Plumbers Don't Wear Ties&quot;, so I guess it makes sense. He's a plumber, and I don't see him wearing a tie. ''(The moment he says tie, John is shown wearing a tie.)'' ''What the fuck?'' You can't even trust the fuckingdamn title!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Thresher:''' You know, perhaps something can be worked out after all. ... Take your clothes off, Jane.
:'''AVGN''': Oh shit.
:'''Thresher:''' You know, we get at least 200 qualified applicants for every position here. It's those people who do that little extra thing. They're the ones who get head-I mean get ahead.
:'''AVGN''': Oh, what a bad joke. It doesn't even have any relevance now. He just told her to take off her clothes. He might as well say straight out, &quot;Suck my cock.&quot;
:'''Thresher:''' TAKE YOUR DAMN CLOTHES OFF!
:'''AVGN''': What a pervert! And what's with all the filters? ''(wrong answer sound effect plays)''
:'''Narrator''': Now see how your sick curiosity led Jane into this mess?
:'''AVGN''': Time for another decision. Either she refuses to take off her clothes, or she accepts. Now, wait a minute. The first decision says, &quot;Our heroine declines the disgusting proposal!&quot; But in the image, she seems to be taking off her clothes. While running away, but still. It doesn't make any sense. Did they swap the images by accident? So let's go with the more interesting choice. ''(Jane is now shown undressed, holding a whip and handcuffs)'' ''Damn!'' She just happened to have a whip and handcuffs?! ''(imitating Thresher)'' Wow, I'd no idea she'd actually do it! ''(Jane now has Thresher, in his underwear, on his knees in an S&amp;M position. The Nerd is utterly shocked by this scene.)'' WHAT KIND OF FUCKED-UP GAME IS THIS!!? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Now for the final choice. Either, &quot;'''I want the Hollywood ending!'''&quot; or &quot;'''Gimme something different.'''&quot; Yeah, you know what? Give me something different. Give me a different fuckin' game! ''(tosses the game away)'' This is one of the worst things I have ever seen in my life. On the box, it says, &quot;Plays like a game...but feels like a MOVIE!!!&quot; Well that's horse shit. It does not play like a game, and it ''certainly'' does not feel like a movie. It's a slideshow that verges on being softcore porn. But it isn't that either! ''(video goes into different still photos of the Nerd with filters and crazy objects inserted.)'' It's like some kind of experimental art project. If I just made a bunch of shit and put all kinds of filters on it, that would be the same as this miserable pile of fuck. It would also be the same to go take a shit on a piece of toast on top of a roof while wearing a fish mask singing I’m Too Sexy.

=== [[w:The Bugs Bunny Crazy Castle|The Bugs Bunny Crazy Castle]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': All right. That's it. I'm done with this game. I'd rather press my face against a hippopotamus' butt while it muck-spreads! That's when a hippo takes a shit; rather than allowing the shit to drop from its anus, it presses its tail against its ass crack, waving it back and forth, shredding the shit all over the place! That's as much fun as this game is, like putting a turd in a fan or a band saw. You just don't do it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Come on, I thought toons like to get beat up!
:'''Bugs Bunny:''' We do, doc. But you know what we don't like? Getting shit on the '''FUCKIN' ''FACE!!'''''

=== [[w:Super Pitfall|Super Pitfall!]] ===
:'''AVGN''': ''[At the beginning of the game, Pitfall Harry climbs down the first ladder and dies]'' Nice. Fucking beautiful. The first ladder you see drops you into a pit where you get killed by a bird or a bat, whatever it is. And even if it wasn't there, I'd fall on the spikes. So it's basically death insurance. &quot;Let's put every kind of obstacle we can possibly think of in the very beginning of the game.&quot; You know, I'm disappointed. Couldn't there have been lava on top of the spikes, with fire sharks swimming in it? Couldn't there be more spikes coming from the sides ready to close in and squash me while stabbing at the same time? How 'bout some laser cannons and upside down volcanoes? You want to be even more efficient? Why even have the ladder? Why not just start the game falling down the pit? Fuckin' assholes! [sighs] Talk about a beginner's trap. They sure nailed it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': So we're jumping around in thin air, trying to find different suits, like spades, hearts and diamonds. What purpose does this have? I found the princess... does he need to play Poker with her or something?

=== [[w:Godzilla video games|Godzilla]] ===

:'''AVGN''': ''(failing to defeat [[wikipedia:Mechagodzilla|Mechagodzilla]]]'' THAT FUCKIN' TIME LIMIT! THAT MOTHERFUCKIN'-SHIT-SUCKIN' TIME LIMIT! It's not even like there's a counter! It's like the game just pulls the plug! Like: &quot;Oh, you're gonna win? Well not anymore, ya ass-backed fecal-fucker shit-faced anus brain!&quot; The game cheats. That's it. That's all there is to it. The game fuckin' cheats.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(reviewing ''[[w:Godzilla (Game Boy)|Godzilla]]'' on Game Boy)'' How could they do this to the king of the monsters!? They might as well have Godzilla in a clown suit jumping on a pogo stick. I'm not even gonna waste my time with this shit. The best way to sum this up is to recite a very famous quote from [[w:William Shakespeare|William Shakespeare]]: &quot;Fuck it!&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': 15 years later, I'm still pissed. All I wanted was a good Godzilla game, but my childhood passed me by, and I never got it. [He drinks beer] But nowadays, there's plenty of Godzilla games: ''[[w:Godzilla: Destroy All Monsters Melee|Godzilla Destroy All Monsters Melee]]'', ''[[w:Godzilla: Save the Earth|Godzilla: Save the Earth]]'', and ''[[w:Godzilla: Unleashed|Godzilla: Unleashed]]''. This is after my time. I don't know anything about this here PlayStation 2 and Xbox shit. But I'm gonna give it a try.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(Comparing modern-day ''Godzilla'' games to the above titles)'' These games suck Baragon's sweaty ballsack! I'd rather get an electric shock from suckin' Mecha-Godzilla's mechanical wiener! These games are ''shit, drizzling'' out of the Smog Monster's rancid putrid a-hole! And then, being swallowed and barfed up by Anguirus while I lay on his spikes getting Gigan's buzzsaw up my ass, ''while Destoroyah dumps his diabolical diarrhea all over my face!'' Man, it's just a bunch of fuck, it's a pile of cunt, fuck, shit, fuck...cunt...fuck..Goddammit! I just said &quot;fuck&quot; from the bottom of my heart and I said every curse that there is. There's nothing left. So, you know what? Somebody's gotta invent a new curse word. I think I got it. This game, these fuckin' games are... ''SCUNT!!!'' Oh, yeah. It's that bad.

=== [[w:Wayne's World (video game)|Wayne's World]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' The enemies are the most cliché you could possibly think of. When would Wayne and Garth ever be fighting spiders and ninjas? Who cares, right? As long as the game says ''Wayne's World,'' kids will want it.
:'''Noah Vanderhoff:''' Kids know dick.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Every time he gets hit, he says &quot;NOT!&quot;
:'''Wayne:''' '''''NOT!'''''
:'''The Nerd:''' That doesn't make any sense. What is he saying &quot;not&quot; to? Usually, the word &quot;not&quot; follows a sarcastic statement. It's like explaining it to [[w:Borat|Borat]].
:'''Borat:''' And this suit is ''not'' black!
:'''Borat's Therapist:''' No, no, &quot;not&quot; has to be the end.
:'''Borat:''' OK, OK, this suit is black not.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Well, I can't beat the first level, so I'm done with this game!... Well, there ''is'' a code.
:'''Benjamin:''' I did not realize that. Russell, did you realize that?
:'''Russell Finley:''' No, I did not realize that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' And could you guess the boss in this level? Would you expect anything different than... a giant donut?
:'''Wayne:''' Aaaahahahahaha! Yeah! Hahaha!

=== [[w:Castlevania (video game)|Castlevania Part One]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': What in the unholy name of ass is this fuckness? ''[looks at the script and fuckness is displayed as an invalid word]'' Oh, wait, that's not a word? Well, it should be. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Hmm. &quot;'''Trans Fishers'''&quot;? That reminds me of [[w:Terence Fisher|Terence Fisher]], the director of many of the hammer horror films. That's a funny coincidence. Oh, wait. &quot;'''Vran Stoker'''&quot;? Like [[w:Bram Stoker|Bram Stoker]], the author of ''[[w:Dracula|Dracula]]''? Wha-- &quot;'''Christopher Bee'''&quot;? Is it a joke? I don't get it! Are they saying [[w:Christopher Lee|Christopher Lee]] is like a bee? ''[Bee with a face like Christopher Lee's comes buzzing by]'' No, they can't mean that. This is probably just a series of strangely coincidental typos. &quot;'''[[w:Béla Lugosi|Belo Lugosi]]'''&quot;? &quot;'''[[w:Boris Karloff|Boris Karloffice]]'''&quot;? They're just fuckin' around. &quot;'''[[w:Lon_Chaney, Jr.|Love Chaney Jr.]]'''&quot;? &quot;'''[[w:Max Schreck|Mix Schrecks]]'''&quot;? &quot;'''[[w:Glenn Strange|Green Stranger]]'''&quot;? Is this supposed to be funny? Like, just to take a celebrity's name and change it around? That's like if I took the name [[w:Steven Spielberg|Steven Spielberg]] and called him &quot;'''Steven Gielberg'''&quot;. Like, that's not funny, that's kindergarten level! No, kindergarten students don't find that funny! Aliens don't find that funny! Well, anyway, that's ''Castlevania'' for you. Good game, but holy fuck, is it hard. Now, as promised, we're gonna plow through the rest of 'em, all the old-school Castlevania games. The ones that I grew up w--
:''[the '''&quot;WHAT A HORRIBLE NIGHT TO HAVE A CURSE.&quot;''' box from ''Castlevania II: Simon's Quest'' appears in front of the Nerd, interrupting him. The box disappears a few seconds later, and a day-to-night transition in the style of the said game is shown. Then the &quot;Monster Dance Theme&quot; plays and the Nerd's room looks darker than before. The Nerd notices the cartridge of said game]''
:'''The Nerd''': Not that one. Next on our list, is ''Castlevania III,'' which in many ways is the true follow-up--
:''[&quot;Monster Dance Theme&quot; plays and cartridge is shown again]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''No.'' I already reviewed that game. So, anyway--
:''[&quot;Monster Dance Theme&quot; music plays and cartridge is shown again]''
:'''The Nerd''': No.
:''[&quot;Monster Dance Theme&quot; plays and cartridge is shown again]''
:'''The Nerd''': Stop.
:''[&quot;Monster Dance Theme&quot; plays and cartridge is shown again]''
:'''The Nerd''': Stop!
:''[&quot;Monster Dance Theme&quot; plays and cartridge is shown again]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[annoyed]'' '''''STOP!'''''
:''[&quot;Monster Dance Theme&quot; plays and cartridge is shown yet again, and the Nerd looks at ''Castlevania III,'' and then back at ''Castlevania II,'' and &quot;To Be Continued...&quot; appears.]''

=== [[w:CastleVania|CastleVania Part Two]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': It goes back to the basic style of the first game, but has two main innovations. The first thing, you often come to a fork in the road where you get to choose which path to take. The other thing is that you get to play as other characters, whom you meet along the way. There's Grant, who climbs on walls, Sypha, who has magic spells, and Alucard, who can turn into a bat, but you need enough hearts to do it. Alucard happens to be Dracula's son. The name Alucard's Dracula spelled backwards, and it came from the 1943 movie, ''Son of Dracula.''
:'''Dracula''': Announce Count Alucard.
:'''Harry Brewster''': D-R-A-C--
:'''Frank Stanley''': What are you mumbling about?
:'''Harry Brewster''': Nothing, nothing. Just a silly idea hit me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' If there's any game which puts you in a bad mood, it's ''CastleVania III.'' You know, like if you want a game that'll '''''piss you off,''''' putting this game in your Nintendo is like running open-armed out into a rainstorm of piss. You wanna go balls to the wall? Well, there's one way to put your balls to the wall, and that's to stick your dick into an electric outlet. You wanna play shit tennis with an orangutan while having your head up a '''''hyena's asshole?!''''' Well, good luck. Well, that finishes off the '''CastleVania''' trilogy, but there's more memories to be shared. 'Cause Dracula never dies, Halloween is goin' overtime, it's a ''CastleVania''-thon! ''[howls like a wolf]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[blooper]''
:'''James D. Rolfe''': This game is like playing shit tennis, with an orangutan, while havin' a hyena's head up your ass! ''[cracks a smile]'' Or ''your'' head up ''it's'' ass! And-- ''[breaks character and laughs]''

=== [[w:Castlevania|Castlevania Part Three]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' When the 1980s came to an end, the ''Castlevania'' trilogy was already edged into my mind as classic. It was the arcitype of both the action and horror genres and a masterpiece in side-scrolling gaming. Roughly at the turn of the decade came the 16-bit era. I had no idea that it could actually get better. In 1991, ''Castlevania'' made its transition to the new Super Nintendo. But this wasn't just ''Castlevania IV.'' Oh, no. This was '''''Super''' Castlevania IV'', and well worthy of that title. The graphics and sound just blew my fucking balls off. The haunting and chilling atmosphere of the old games was now like a walk through the park with the Care Bears. This time, I was ''really'' getting scared.

=== [[w:Castlevania|Castlevania Part Four]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' That's what you call ''Castlevania.'' Traditional side-scrolling action. Familiar, yet fresh. It takes place all over Europe rather than just strictly in Transylvania. You get a choice of two characters; John Morris and Eric Lecarde. I wonder what happened to the Belmonts? Who are these people? Well, supposedly, John Morris is the son of Quincy Morris from ''Dracula'', the Bram Stoker novel. (cut to him IRL) That just blew my mind! It's like now we're bringing the novel into it? So the whole canon of the games is now with the canon of the book, and... it's like taking two cannons and putting them together!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' What are these, skeletons shooting lasers out their cocks?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;ANALBAG&quot;, that's me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''' In ''Dawn of Sorrow,'' Dracula's castle emerges from a solar eclipse in Japan. I thought that Japan had enough trouble with Godzilla stomping around. Now they have Dracula, too?

=== [[w:Little Red Hood|Little Red Hood]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' You're familiar with the story, right? It goes somethin' like this. Once upon a time, there was a girl named Little Red Riding Hood. She liked to jump in the air and whistle out her vagina. She kicked at trees until Big Bird's ballsack would appear. What, that's not the story? Oh, well excuse me, 'cause this isn't ''Little Red Riding Hood''. This is ''Little '''RED''' Hood''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' The only thing you might be wondering now, is what on Earth does this have to do with the story of ''Little Red Riding Hood''? Well... I'll tell ya. '''''Absolutely fuckin' nothing.'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' The music never changes. Every level is the same frothy sound of crackling ass!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' It's just, so random... Y'know, how many times have I used the word &quot;random&quot; and &quot;appear&quot;? But that's exactly what's happening. Stuff appears, or doesn't appear, or randomly does something else. I feel like a guinea pig in an experiment where they're testing the effects of negative reinforcement. Let's see what happens if we take the key away... It's 20 years late, but whoever you are, and if you wanna know what the effect is, [[Ghostbusters|I'll tell ya the effect: IT'S FUCKIN' PISSING ME OFF!]]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' But the most fucked-up level of all, is Level 8. Here, the key never appears. Just, never. It never appears. I played this stage for about an hour, before I eventually looked up an online walkthrough from someone who probably had more time to spare than me, and guess what? In this stage, the key doesn't appear, until you buy an invincibility potion and three slingshots! '''''HOW WOULD ANYBODY KNOW TO DO THAT?!''''' You go through the whole game, all of a sudden they throw you a curve ball and change the fuckin' rules!

=== [[w:Winter Games|Winter Games]] ===
:''[&quot;Dance of the Sugarplum Fairies&quot; plays in the background]''
:'''The Nerd''': It's winter. It's fucking cold. We're playing some ''Winter Games''. But anyway, let me get the greeting outta the way. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, happy... everybody! Happy holidays. And if you have a problem with &quot;Happy Holidays&quot;, then happy shut-the-fuck-up. But there ain't nothing happy about this shit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[horrible 8-bit background music]'' How do you like that music? Listen. ''[commenting on the music at the end of the Speed Skating event]'' Exquisite. ''[sarcastically]'' Isn't that the most beautiful, radiant sound that has ever been blessed upon your soul? Its exuberant tonality harmoniously blends the dying squeals of electronic goats with the melodic rapture of diarrhea bubbling from a coyote's crap-hole.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing the Figure Skating event]'' I'm not even kidding, but if I were to give out an award, a big shit-dripping trophy for the worst controls ''ever'' in a video game, I think it would go to this! I mean look at it! I've never seen anything this unresponsive! I'm hitting every button combination possible! You know, all it needs to be said about ''Winter Games'' is that you push buttons. That's all it is. How's ''Winter Games?'' You ever play ''Winter Games?'' Yeah, you push buttons. That's it. Go like this! You're playing ''Winter Games!'' ''[footage of [[The Wizard]] is shown]'' You ever watch a movie where someone's pretending to play a video game, but you tell they're just acting; they're just going like this? They're playing ''Winter Games.'' Yeah. Who programmed this thing? Maybe it was Fred Fucks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': '''''THIS IS A BLIZZARD OF BALLS!!! I can't believe humanity was capable of degrading itself so low as to produce such insulting catastrophe of ass!!''''' ''[reads caution label on the back of the cartridge (said caution label is only on some unlicensed NES games)]'' &quot;Do not store in extreme temperatures. Do not immerse in water. Do not clean with benzene, thinner, alcohol, or other such solvents. Do not hit or drop cartridge. Do not attempt to disassemble.&quot; ''[proceeds to do to the cartridge each of the things the caution label advises against]'' Like that? ''[places the remains of the cartridge into the crackling fireplace, where it catches fire and starts to melt]'' '''''BURN, MOTHERFUCKER, BURRRN!!! YEAAAAH!'''''

=== [[w:Street Fighter 2010|Street Fighter 2010]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Wanna play some games? Wanna play some shitty games? ...Well hang on just a second, I gotta go get my mail. ''(The Nerd steps out of his house to find it and the rest of the scenery in the scene is swarming with graphics from ''Street Fighter 2010''.)'' What the hell is all this shit!? There's metallic sea sponges everywhere! There's titanium rocket jockstraps! Headless parrots with bottle caps! Floating eyeballs entrapped in glass lids! How is this all happening? OH, ah-of course! It's the year 2010! Holy shit! This was all foreseen in the game ''Street Fighter 2010''!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Remember how futuristic the year 2000 seemed? My whole childhood, it seemed like every movie, every video game - it was always &quot;2000&quot;. It sounded so high-tech and so far away. But now, fuck that! It's the ten-year anniversary of the year 2000. ''(referring to ''[[w:Back to the Future Part II|Back to the Future Part II]]'s'' depiction of the year 2015)'' In five years, we're gonna have flying cars and hoverboards and self-lacing shoes... It better happen. Otherwise they should have made it the year 3000. Even if they made it 2100, we'd all be dead; it wouldn't make a difference anyway! Better to be a mystery than to be wrong!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Who would've thought that Street Fighter's past lied in the future, which is now the present? Let's take a look at this. I can only imagine, we're gonna be Tiger Uppercutting through space and time, we're gonna be throwing Sonic Booms on the moon, Hadoukens up Uranus! Fuck ''[[w:Street Fighter IV|Street Fighter IV]]'', this is ''Street Fighter 2010!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': What the hell is this poop-plastered, shit-smothered piece of fuck? And what does it have to do with ''Street Fighter''?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(commenting on the cover illustration of ''[[w:Fighting Street|Fighting Street]]'', showing [[w:Ryu_(Street_Fighter)|Ryu]] in front of [[w:Mt. Rushmore|Mt. Rushmore]])'' To be even more elusive, they changed the fucking title to ''Fighting Street''! That doesn't make any sense! But at least you get to play as classic characters such as Ryu, [[w:George Washington|George Washington]], and [[w:Abraham Lincoln|Abe Lincoln]].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The final boss looks like a big, blistering ball sack that swallowed Grimace. His only weak spot is the face. The ideal strategy is to climb on the wall and keep shooting, but your beam doesn't reach. Not without full powerups. You can try jumping off and shooting, but that takes too long. You don't have time. When you're plowing through the stage, you gotta stop and get all the powerups. But that wastes time too! But you gotta do it! You gotta somehow make it all happen! You can't beat one boss flawlessly but then fuck up a little on the next one. You gotta: 1) Beat all the bosses without getting hurt too much, 2) Get all the power-ups, and 3) Do it fast as shit. All in one perfect run. But once you do it, man, you're on the fucking top of the world. Yeah, boom, BOOM! [Imitates explosions as he beats the game] And that, my friends, is Street Fighter 2010. That's all I have to say. So happy new year, happy new decade... am I forgetting anything? ... Yeah. Forgot my fucking mail. [He walks then the screen zooms that says &quot;THE END.&quot;]

=== [[w:Hydlide|Hydlide]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Ugh, ''Hydlide''! Just saying the name gives you a gag reflex like you're about to puke! ''HYDLIDE''! Sounds so wretched and foul!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Picking up a game like this, in itself, is like embarking on an adventure. You can stick to the familiar NES classics, or you can be a brave explorer and search the unknown. You might uncover a gem, or a turd covered in vomit. And this is a turd covered in vomit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': There's no skill involved. You'll never know whether or not you're hitting the monster or the monster's hitting you. It's just as random as rolling the dice or [[w:American Movie|playing the lottery; sometimes you win, and sometimes you lose. But I guess it's better than using drugs or alcohol because with drugs and alcohol, especially drugs, you always lose.]]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Anyway, I got the Lantern. Now I'm going back to that dark cave to figure out what the fuck was killing me...I don't see anything! So that only concludes there was nothing. That's a cheat if I ever saw one. The game kills you with NOTHING!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': That's what you get for reaching into the dark depths of the NES library. You might as well be reaching into a dog's asshole, 'cause all you're going to find is shit.

=== [[w:Ninja Gaiden (Nintendo Entertainment System)|Ninja Gaiden]] ===
:'''Ninja:''' You are as slow as sloth taking shit! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Nunchaku-fuck!

=== [[w:Swordquest|Swordquest]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(commenting on Atari's promotion of the &quot;SwordQuest&quot; series via $150,000 worth of ornately crafted and decorated fantasy items, which players back in the day could win by playing the games, finding and deciphering in-game clues, and sending them to Atari)'' Not since the medieval times have I heard of a treasure quest of this magnitude! It gets you really excited to play the games, so that's what I call a promotion: You'd be wearing your ''SwordQuest'' T-shirt, with your comic books and posters, drinking out of your gold chalice with your crown, philosopher's stone, and sword, and not to mention your ''SwordQuest'' video gaming cartridges exclusive from Atari.

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:'''The Nerd:''' ''(playing the &quot;Earthworld&quot; installment)'' Every time you go to the next room, it sounds like an explosion. That's what's so great about Atari: Something as simple as going through a door is an event.

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:'''The Nerd:''' Now, what can that mean? Hmm... 16-4... The comic book. ''(Picks up the book and opens up the page)'' Page 16, Panel 4. I don't see anything... What-- ''[Reveals a hidden word]'' Wow. ''(He writes down the word and continues playing and finding more clues)'' There's 10 hidden words, and they're supposed to make a sentence. But five of them are bogus. The only way to figure out which are the right words is to find a subliminal hint on the first page. The words prime and number are a different color than the rest, so this means you only use the clues that are prime numbers. Lemme tell you, in 1982, people had a lot of time on their hands and a lot of creativity to figure this out. Out of 5,000 entries, only 8 gamers got the right sentence. The winner was 20-year old Steven Bell. Good work, man!

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:'''The Nerd:''' ''(playing the &quot;Fireworld&quot; installment)'' What are we doing here, hitting birds with a pole? Throwing knives? Now you're actually steering the knives into a, uh, turkey club sandwich. This part, you're like a black eagle shooting bullets at snakes! All with glorious Atari sound effects.

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:'''The Nerd:''' ''(referring to general suspicions that the remaining three un-awarded treasures of the &quot;SwordQuest&quot; contest, including the planned grand prize, a gold-and-jewel-encrusted sword, is in possession of [[w:Jack Tramiel|Jack Tramiel]], who had bought Atari after [[w:North American video game crash of 1983|the infamous video game crash of 1983]])'' Somebody's gotta find out. The '''real''' ''SwordQuest'' is the quest for that sword and the other treasures. They belong in the hands of gamers who earn them. You know, everybody who put those games in their Ataris had a chance of winning. It was something to dream about. But that dream's been thrown about the toilet. It's 30 years later, but I say the contest must go on. Finish the last game! You can't have earth, fire, and water without air! The balance of the cosmos must be restored, the true bearer of that sword ''must'' be found! The Kingdom of Nerddom depends on it!

=== [[w:Pong|Pong Consoles]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Pong. A simple word. A simple idea. It's just Pong. It was one of the first video arcades, from 1972. A simple screen mounted inside what looked like a carved tree stump. You could call this the &quot;Wooden Age&quot; of video games, when everything was made of wood, and two people playing tennis looked like two glow sticks batting a square ball back and forth. Yeah, this is before circles were invented.

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:'''AVGN''': I thought it was fun. Apparently, people thought so too back then. So that's why they made a home pong console so you can play it at home, and then, there was another one... and another one... and another one! AND ANOTHER ONE! AND ANOTHER ONE! ''AND ANOTHER ONE!'' There was like nine million fucking pong consoles!

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:'''AVGN''': This might be a good time to bring up that most of these old consoles have a connector that looks like [[wikipedia:RCA_connector|this]]. You have to plug them into a box, and screw the box into your TV. But I say get yourself one of these [an adapter], plug it into the coaxial unit on your TV, plug the game in, and tell that box to go fuck itself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The Sears Super Pong Telegame. Simple enough, two little knobs for controllers, works alright, basic Pong, you got four different kinds of Pong, like... what the hell is this? &quot;Reverse Pong&quot;? Okay, now what's this, &quot;Asshole Pong&quot;? That's not fair.

&lt;hr width+&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''':  Well, that's Pong for ya. All these different consoles goes to show how such a simple game could become such a hot-selling franchise. I could see people thinking 30 years ago &quot;Wow. Pong. This is where it's at! It ain't gonna get any better than this!&quot; Now what's this here, this &quot;Xbox 360?&quot; Some modern game system? I don't know, maybe it has advanced graphics? Might even be in color. Let's check it out. ''[starts playing &quot;[[w:Grand Theft Auto IV|Grand Theft Auto IV]]&quot; as a rock remix of the Angry Video Game Nerd theme plays. Cut to the Nerd with an absolutely amazed expression on his face]''

== Season Five ==

=== [[w:Action 52|Action 52]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': Are you ready for some action? Some ''Action 52?'' I suppose so, because I get requests for this game all the time. Like this one right here: ''[reading a fan email]'' &quot;''Action 52.'' Fuck this game, please do a review on it. You asshole. Thanks.&quot; Wow. I guess I gotta do it now.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Number 5, &quot;Ooze.&quot; Oh, wow, a title screen? Really? ''[starts the game, then sees several green pickle-shaped objects in the background]'' Oh my god, it's...it's... ''[the objects each turn into a Shit Pickle]''
:'''Shit Pickles''': Shitpickleshitpickleshitpickleshit...
:'''The Nerd''': Whoa! Ohh-
:'''Shit Pickles''': Pickle! Shi-i-i-i-i-
:'''The Nerd''': Narlalalala!
:'''Shit Pickles''': Shit pickle!
:'''The Nerd''': Alrighty, then. Well, this is the first game that uses the &quot;B&quot; button. For ''jumping''! Any gamer who grew up with ''Super Mario Bros.'' expects &quot;A&quot; to jump.

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:'''The Nerd''': ''(playing the 7th game, Crytical Bypass)'' &quot;Crytical Bypass&quot;. It's critical that you bypass this game!

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:'''The Nerd''': ''(playing the 20th game, Space Dreams, then learning that safety pins are the enemy)'' Oh, my, what's this gonna be? Why of course! Another space shooter! This time, you're a pacifier shooting at weird dolls, rabbits, and safety pins. ''Safety pins'' as enemies in a video game...Where'd they come up with this stuff?! ''[playing one of the game programmers]'' Gee, what kind of enemy could I have for this game? I have 32 games left I have to program, so I have to hurry up. ''[he picks up a safety pin where it lays on a table]'' Ahhh, safety pin! That'll be perfect! ''[he puts the safety pin down and types in his computer]'' Next game.

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing the 22nd game, Spread Fire]'' These kind of games must have been the easiest to design. Take a black background, cover it in dots, and call it space. You know what? It's getting old.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[after playing 25 of the games]'' ...Wow. Twenty-five shitty games, and still going. This is an endurance, man. I've never played such a huge compilation of crap in my life. Was the whole idea to make ''so many shitty games'' that there'd be no more shitty games left to make!? Out of all of these, there's gotta be at least one that's...''tolerable''!

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing the 29th game]'' Uh, &quot;Slashers&quot;? I thought it'd be like a horror game. Instead it's a poor man's version of ''Double Dragon''. Saying ''that'' is being extremely generous.
:'''The Nerd''': And what are these, hookers?! I guess this guy doesn't understand the concept of a hooker. You're supposed to fuck her, not fuck her up!

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing the 31st game, Fuzz Power]'' Whoever came up with this is an ''asshole!'' ''[cuts to a fictionalized version of the episode that would be shown on public TV with profanity bleeped out]'' Whoever came up with this is an ''assh***!'' Ass! ''[pause]'' Hole? Assh***! ''[sarcastically]'' Television makes a lot of &quot;sense&quot;.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[after playing 35 of the 52 games]'' I've lost all hope. 52 games, they all probably suck. I can think of some pretty bad games. Like ''Little Red Hood.'' That's a ''horrible'' game. But at least it's ''one'' horrible game! Not ''52!'' You know what's more fun than ''Action 52?'' 52 Card Pickup. You know how you play that? ''[drops a deck of 52 playing cards on the floor]'' Pick up the cards!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Number 36, &quot;Storm over the Desert.&quot; Ooh, another title screen! So, you're an army tank, shooting at other army tanks... which happen to be pink. Also, there's no way to die. Anything you touch will explode. Those pink tanks are fuckin' pussies. ''[a giant [[w:Saddam Hussein|Saddam Hussein]] runs across the screen]'' What the hell?! A giant Saddam Hussein? How'd they fuck up the scale this bad? The soldiers aren't giant, so why's Saddam?

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing the 48th game, Time Warp Tickers]'' You're a pair of fingers in checkerboard-land with upside-down doors. What kind of drugs were they on? Was this game even made by a human being? ''&quot;Time?&quot;''? When you kill things, it says ''&quot;Time?&quot;''? What does that mean? Time to play another fuckin' game?

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[after playing 51 of the 52 games]'' '''''I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY SOLD THIS SHITFEST FOR $199!''''' That's about how much it costs for a video game ''console'', pretty much. You can take $199, stand on a bridge and just throw it all away! You'd rather do ''anything'' than spend it on a broken-down dysfunctional disaster of video game programming! With games that crash, hideous jumping control, random characters, microscopic sprites, a marathon of mediocre space shooters, dying in midair, problems with proportion, misleading titles, misleading power-ups, embarrassing weapons, seizure-inducing backgrounds, lack of enemies, games you can't win, games you can't lose, games that make no sense whatsoever, shitty graphics, shitty music, shitty menus, and a fuck-ton of other things! It should've been ''illegal'' for them to sell this rotten shitload of putrid fuck for any price! I feel humiliated to live on the same planet as someone who designed an electronic abomination of this magnitude! Couldn't they have tried making one ''good'' game, as opposed to 52 ''horrible'' games? Quality over quantity. That's our lesson here. ''[drinks Rolling Rock]'' Well, there's only one game left so it has one last chance to redeem itself. Could this all be the effort went into? Could there be a cherry on top of the shit sundae? We can only hope. ''[begins playing the 52nd game as the credits roll]''

=== [[w:Action 52|Cheetahmen]] ===

:'''AVGN''': They must have put all their focus into this one game, so this one's gotta be good...right? ''(shot of the gameplay from ''Cheetahmen''; the player sprite touches the edge of a pool of water with the top of his head, and instantly dies)'' IT SUCKS - MONKEY - BUTTS - LIKE ALL - THE FUCKIN' - REST!!! ''(drinks Rolling Rock)'' Okay. Let's go.

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:'''AVGN''': ''(playing ''Cheetahmen'' on the Action 52 cartridge, jumping over the giant [[w:Saddam Hussein|Saddam Hussein]] from Storm Over the Desert)'' Dude, think about it: A giant cheetah jumping over Saddam Hussein, whoa! I never thought I'd see that.

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:'''AVGN''': ''(discussing Cheetahmen II)'' I suppose this is the end of Action 52, but!  They made... a Cheetahmen... sequel.  Oh, yeah!  You know how with a bad game, sometimes you wonder how it even made it into stores?  Well, this is a case in which the horror was so unspeakable, the game was never released.  ''(shows stills from the ending of Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark and plays ominous music from the film)''  The cartridges were stored in a warehouse where they remained for years to come.  It was never meant to be played.  Then, in the late 90's, the cartridges were discovered, and became valuable collector's items. ''(stops playing music and showing stills)''  That's a true story.  Except that the real story was probably a little less dramatic than that.  Only 1500 of these games are known to exist and they command ''outrageous'' prices on eBay. I don't know if I should consider myself lucky or...not, but...here it is. (the Nerd reveals the game cartridge in his hand) The unholy grail of gaming. Would you believe that this game is so bad it doesn't even get its own cartridge? They recycled the same plastic casing from Action 52, and put a Cheetahmen II sticker on the back. ''(The cartridge's sticker actually reads &quot;Cheetamen&quot; instead of &quot;Cheetahmen II&quot;.)'' 

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:'''AVGN''': ''(after defeating the boss in ''Cheetahmen II'', but the game fails to start the next level)'' Well, I beat the game. At least I got as far as I can possibly go before it fucks out! Well, this is where I'd end things... ''(drinks Rolling Rock)'' ...but, there's yet another ''Cheetahmen'' game. ''(produces a copy of the Sega Genesis port of ''Action 52'')'' Yeah. ''Action 52'' on the Genesis. They just couldn't leave it alone, could they?

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:'''AVGN''': ''(talking about SKATER from the Genesis ''Action 52'')'' You're some kid on roller skates jumping fifty feet in the air, of course. And most of the obstacles are dead cats! At least, I'm pretty sure they're dead. Why else would a cat be laying in the road? Tell me. If you're programming a video game and you have a choice of all the things that could be on the road like mufflers, puddles of oil, traffic cones, hubcaps, fallen trash cans, open manholes, of all the things you can put there, why does your imagination go straight to ''dead cats!?''

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:'''AVGN''': ''(after playing ''Cheetahmen'' from the Genesis ''Action 52'')'' I don't believe it. I just can't believe it that - this is even ''less'' playable than the NES version! You think by now, they'd come back down to Earth and un-''fuck'' themselves! But you know what the really good news is? I'm done with ''Action 52''! ''(puts on a party hat and blows on a party horn while fireworks go off)''

=== Game Glitches ===

:'''AVGN''': Don't you just hate it when that happens? You'll be playin' a game, and then all of a sudden, it starts glitching up! ''(inserts Metal Gear into his Nintoaster)'' Oh, come on. Metal Gear's fuckin' up now? You blow the game, jiggle it around, use different consoles, but it still doesn't work. You know, when this happens, that means that there's something inside your game. Something that wants to reduce the graphics into a pixelated mishmash of garbage. You're dealing with...a Game Graphic Glitch Gremlin.
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' [Cackling] Good day to you, Nerd, how are you? Good day, sir! As you know, I am the Glitch Gremlin! And, I've got glitches in me britches for ya, Nerd! I've got ''(gibberish)''.
:'''AVGN''': I'm gonna lay the fuck smack on you! You think I can't still play?

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:''[ [[w:Mike Tyson|Mike Tyson]]'s portrait from ''[[w:Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!|Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!]]'' is displayed, but the entire graphical display glitches up, eliciting a shocked reaction from the Nerd]''
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' And here we have ''Punch-Out!!'' with &quot;Iron Mike&quot; Tyson. I just ironed out his face! How do you like that? We'll call him Shit-Fuck-Face Mike Tyson!
:'''AVGN''': You little fuck-nugget, get out of my game!

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:'''AVGN''': ''[After describing his victory over the boss Big Pets in [[w:Mega Man 5|Mega Man 5]] while having been hindered by a glitch]'' And ''that'' was a great moment in Nerd history.
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' That's not possible! I've never seen anything like it!
:'''AVGN''': I should get a gold medal.

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:''(The Nerd plays [[w:Rocky (2002 video game)|the 2002 ''Rocky'' game on PlayStation 2]], but the audience is severely glitching around, and the two boxers supposed to be in the ring are nowhere to be seen.)''
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' Well, you sure packed quite a crowd tonight, Nerd! You sure did, standing room only...a full house of glitches! Ding ding ding! In this corner, we have weighing in at zero pounds and zero ounces, nothing! In this corner, we've got much of the same! Nothing!
:'''AVGN''': No...
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' ''(As the in-game announcer repeats &quot;Next up is a fight...&quot;)''Do you hear that? What's that sound? Huh? Hm? Sounds of glitch. Your glitch. Enjoy it. ''(The Nerd resets his PS2, and'' ''the in-game combatants show up this time.)'' Nope. No use resetting. Not gonna do a thing.
:'''AVGN:''' Eh, fuck you. It's working now. ''(Spider Rico suddenly sinks into the floor.)'' What was ''that''!?
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' I pulled him through the floor! That's a good one! Good one, Glitch Gremlin! ''(The Nerd looks on in shock as the fighters continuously sink to the floor. The Glitch Gremlin dances.)'' Oh yeah! I'm glitching! Get down, you bad self! Get down! Get down! Get down! Wooo!
:'''AVGN''': Wow, I've ''never'' seen a game this fucked up. ''(He takes out the ''Rocky'' disc to clean it.)''
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' ''(his reflection appears in the disc)'' Not gonna work, not gonna work. What time is it? Not-gonna-work o'clock. ''(The Nerd plays the game again, but now the in-game boxers have warped facial features.)'' In this corner, we have Bug-Eyed Balboa!
:'''AVGN''': What happened to his ''mouth''!?
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' His eyes are popping out! And in that corner, we've got Spider Rico, with no jaw! ''(He sinks into the floor, again.)''
:'''AVGN''': They're like zombies! What is this, &quot;Rocky: The Undead Edition&quot;? You are really one sick fuck, you know that? I'm gonna try Clubber Lang.
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' Oh, Clubber Lang, that could be a good one. Let's see what else I've got up my sleeves - oh, I'm not wearing any, but for my final show-stopper, FEAST YER EYES ON THIS! ''(The in-game model of Clubber Lang appears horrifically deformed and mis-assembled, heavily resembling a straight log of solid fecal matter. His left leg flashes between being visible and invisible, while his right leg does not appear at all. A baffled Nerd drops his controller while the Gremlin laughs gleefully.)''
:'''AVGN''': It's a Clubber-fuck!

=== [[w:Zelda II: The Adventure of Link|Zelda II]] ===
:'''AVGN''': ''(commenting on the odd names for enemies in the original [[w:The Legend of Zelda|''The Legend of Zelda'']])'' What do you call that? A rabbit's head? ''(buzzer sound)'' Wrong. A &quot;Pols Voice&quot;. What's that, a mummy? ''(buzzer sound)'' &quot;Gibdo&quot;. What's that, a ghost? ''(buzzer sound)'' &quot;Ghini&quot;. What's that? Well, it's kinda like...like... ''(triple-ding sound)'' What?! It's called a &quot;Like Like&quot;?! Yeah, I'm not makin' this up, this is all comin' straight from the manual. What do you call that? A snake? ''(buzzer sound)'' Wrong, it's called &quot;Rope&quot;. Yeah, really! If you can't tell the difference between a snake and a rope, you're in trouble. What's that, a bat? ''(buzzer sound)'' No, it's &quot;Keese&quot;. What do you call the keys then, &quot;Bats&quot;? What's that, a knight? ''(buzzer sound)'' A &quot;Darknut&quot;. Well then, what's that? Uh, a, uh, Geiger counselman? ''(buzzer sound)'' Oh, a &quot;Rock&quot;. What's that, a spider? ''(buzzer sound)'' A &quot;Tektite&quot;. Now what the ''fuck'' is a Tektite!? Is that even a real word? I'll look it up...yeah, it is. ''(reads off a dictionary)'' &quot;Tektite. Any of several kinds of small glassy bodies, in various forms, occurring in Australia and elsewhere, now believed to have been produced by the impact of meteorites on the earth's surface.&quot; Yeah. Or, a ''spider''. Well, fuck. Let's move onto ''Zelda II''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': In each town, there's a woman that restores your health. She invites Link inside, and you never see what's happening in there. Is she giving him a potion? Is she performing a magic spell? No. We all know what's ''really'' happening. Link is like, you know, getting a little of the [[w:A Clockwork Orange (film)|ol' in-out in-out]]. I mean, this isn't little boy Link anymore, he's grown up now. He learns all these special moves like the down-thrust and the up-thrust, and there, he learns the cunt-thrust. Yeah, that should be the name of a band. But really, Link deserves to get some because of all this hell he goes through. He's not gonna get any from Zelda... Well, then again, she's in a sleeping spell. What was Link doing there in the first place? Oh, no, Link's a poon hound.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(repeatedly failing to defeat the final boss, Dark Link)'' Well, it's impossible. I have better luck trying to fight my own shadow! ''(imitates trying to punch his own shadow on the wall and hurting his hand against the wall)'' You motherfucker! C'mon! God damn! ''(cuts back to the Nerd on his couch)'' You can't beat your own shadow, and that's what this game is. It's your dark alter ego that knows more about you than you know about yourself. I don't know how you could win, unless you're ''really'' hardcore. Some gamers are so hardcore with the first game, they've actually made it to Ganon ''without the sword.'' That's insane! But, people like a good challenge. You want a good challenge? Try beating ''Zelda II'' with the Power Glove, yeah. That's a laugh. In conclusion, it's still a great game. But many consider it the black sheep of the Zelda franchise. And understandably, it's very different from the first game but obviously Nintendo didn't want to just rehash the same game over again so they tried something new. Some people were confused and admittedly it had some mixed results. But it had a legacy of its own. It was the first Zelda game that had towns to visit and to have a magic meter and many games copied its style such as Battle of the Olympus and even Rambo. Bottom line, it's a good game, but a very frustrating one. I'll never beat it as long as I live. Nope. ''(turns off TV, walks away, but then runs back to the TV to turn it back on. The ending message appears on the TV saying &quot;You saved Hyrule and you are a real hero!&quot; Then, he looks at the Power Glove in shock and disbelief. Then the curtain lowers and then Zelda and Link supposedly kiss with the curtain covering it up and the words &quot;The End&quot; appear.)''

=== Back To The Future Trilogy ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' I've always wanted to go back and complete them the way I originally intended. The ''McKids'' video, for example. I felt like there should have been a dancing scene with Ronald McDonald, Grimace, and the Hamburglar. And Dracula. And Skeletor. I'd also like to go back to the original negatives, clean them up, make them look good as shit, and give them some new enhancements.
:''[in the &quot;Top Gun&quot; review, the Nerd fires a Sonic Boom at the TV, destroying it. After that, the same thing happens, but Praxis effect rings come from the explosion.]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' In the ''Friday the 13th'' video, I shot Jason Voorhees in the head.
:'''The Nerd from his ''&quot;Friday the 13th&quot;'' Review:''' You're easier to beat in real life than you are in that '''''fuckin' game, you no-good piece of--!''''' ''['''BANG!!!''' The Nerd shoots Jason in the head in the original review]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' That made me look like a cold-blooded killer. I always felt Jason should have shot first. ''[same thing, but Jason fires a laser gun at the Nerd, but he dodges and shoots Jason in the head]''
:'''The Nerd''': I'm just kidding. I have no intentions of changing my older videos like that. But with all seriousness, some of the games I've done, I could have covered them a little better.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[replaying'' Top Gun] I'm gonna land this thing. Oh, yeah. I'm finally gonna land the plane. This time, I'm gonna land it for real. Oh, I got it. I got it. I got the speed right, but the altitude's off! ''[watches the numbers]'' Oh, I'm going too fast! ''[watches the screen]'' ''[the plane somehow flies out of the TV with the Nerd looking surprised and breaks through a window]'' Hey, if, uh...anybody sees that plane, can you let me know?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' And what about Judge Doom? He's one of the most difficult bosses in video game history, and I barely said a damn thing about him. Anytime Doom hits you, he takes a great deal of damage, but when ''you'' hit ''him,'' it doesn't do much. With such a huge assortment of weapons, you'd think that there'd be one that inflicts more damage on him, but nope, he has no weakness. All you can do is punch, punch, punch. It may seem easier than it looks, but Doom has no clear pattern. You gotta get lucky and just get him in the right rhythm so you can keep hitting him.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' Once you knock him down, you think it's all over, but no. You gotta pick up the Dip Cannon. But before you can use it, you have to select it. Like, no shit. Why ''wouldn't'' I want it selected? The worst part is that now Judge Doom kills you with one hit. It doesn't matter how full your health is. Anyone's natural reaction is to tap the button, but that won't get you far. You have to know to ''hold down'' the button, and only ''that way'' can you beat him.
:''[Judge Doom is defeated, and the end screen with the text saying, &quot;Toontown is saved and remains in the hands of its rightful owners, the Toons. The End.&quot;]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' I already mentioned how the game has nothing to do with the movie. You're collecting clocks, throwing bowling balls, and dodging bees, and other bizarre things. One thing I didn't elaborate on before is how Marty has some serious problem with his legs where he can't stop walking. You'd think this is a Goddamn flying game because you can't stop. Imagine all the problems Marty must go through on a daily basis, being cursed to walk for all eternity! Imagine trying to order at a fast food restaurant, or any restaurant. Imagine going to work or trying to use a bathroom or fly on a plane. He can only stand still when he's behind a counter at a Café throwing milkshakes. Anybody who's played this Café stage knows how unforgiving it is, and I've talked about it already. ''[a Café customer stops to talk to Marty, then he throws him against the wall.]''
:'''The Nerd''': But wouldn't you like to know what the rest of the game is like? Do we ever see Doc Brown, or does the DeLorean ever make an appearance? Or any of the other things from the movie? Let's find out.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' The rest of the street stages are all the same, except they change the color. &quot;No effort. Time is money, don't design another stage. Just change the color, and kids will think it's different.&quot; Do they think we're idiots?
:'''The Nerd''': Then we come to an empty classroom where Lorraine, I guess, is shooting hearts at Marty. What, is he the teacher all of a sudden? And what's he catching hearts for? I suppose it's like in the movie where Lorraine has a crush on Marty, but that's his mom so he's trying not to let that happen. Why isn't he avoiding the hearts then? Oh, I see, I guess he's catching them in a book or something. It's the most literal interpretation of a movie. &quot;It's about time, so let's have clocks! It's about romance, let's have hearts!&quot; Was this game designed by a human being? Or did they just feed the movie into a computer to process and then shit out this nonsensical fuck-poop?
:'''The Nerd''': Once again, like the Café stage, you have to score at least 50 points. Then it's on to more walking stages, and after that, it's the Enchantment Under The Sea dance where Marty plays guitar. What do you do? You have to catch musical notes. What more did you expect? I'll tell you one thing, it's certainly no ''Guitar Hero'' or ''Rock Band.'' Why does Marty play the guitar like a stand-up bass the whole time? Why is he wearing a boiler suit? I guess the same reason he's wearing a black muscle shirt. Where's the red jacket or the suit? Couldn't they have gotten Marty to look ''anything'' like he did in the films? And what about the music? Wouldn't this have been an opportune time to hear ''Earth Angel'' or ''Johnny B. Goode?'' ''[notices music from the game]'' Okay, wait a minute. It ''is'' Johnny B. Goode on crack. ''[4 seconds later]'' If [[w:Capcom|they]] can make the ''DuckTales'' theme sound awesome in 8-bit, why not this? At least you get some different music for once.
:'''The Nerd''': Next, more walking. And finally, the DeLorean. Yes, the DeLorean makes an appearance, after all. This is supposed to be the scene where Marty is trying to get back to the future. The streets of Hill Valley are getting slammed with repeated lightning strikes! All you have to do here is dodge the lightning. That's all. Why are you dodging lightning anyway? Isn't Marty trying to get the lightning to hit the DeLorean to generate the 1.21 gigawatts and send him back to 1985? Isn't that the whole fucking idea of the movie? Anyway, that's ''Back to the Future'' NES. No special ending, nothing. ''[The music from the game continues playing]'' Fuck that music.

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:'''The Nerd''': Well, now that we've seen the whole game, we can conclude that it has... uh... ''some'' relation to the movie. But it doesn't have any of the familiar music cues. And don't tell me it was some kind of licensing issue, like they were able to license the movie, but not the music that belongs with that movie that we all recognize. No Back to the Future theme, no Power of Love, no Back in Time, no Johnny B. Goode! (SORT OF) Well, fuck this! ''[throws the game cartridge behind the futon and drinks some Rolling Rock, accompanied by Johnny B. Goode on crack]''

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' When I first reviewed this game, I was being a shithead. I never explained how it's played. And that's where things get really interesting. You're supposed to collect 30 items, and bring them all back to their rightful places and times. You find the items behind locked doors. To unlock the doors, you need to find the keys which are found by killing random enemies. But the keys don't sit still. They fly off the screen the second they appear. Usually, you're not expecting the key, so you might not catch it. Once the key's gone, it doesn't return. Not unless you exit the level and come back. Even when you get a key, most of the doors don't let you in. ''[Marty cannot unlock a door]'' I don't know the reason for this, but when you do find the right door, you'll get an item. But you don't get it right away, you have to do some sort of mini-game. They're all different, but the goal is the same: To collect all the clocks. How original.

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' Why did LJN have to make every NES movie adaptation? Couldn't they have given somebody else a try? No, they wanted to incorporate the entire spectrum of awfulness. ''[The LJN rainbow logo appears on the screen, and each color lights up as the Nerd mentions them]'' &quot;Purple for Putrid Gameplay&quot;, &quot;blue for Bad Musical Abominations&quot;, &quot;Green for Graphical Farts and Garlic&quot;, &quot;Yellow for Piss Poor Lack of Loyalty to Source Material&quot;, &quot;Orange for 'Aren't You a Fuckin' Idiot?'&quot;, and &quot;Red for High-Stress Anger-Inducing Masochism&quot;. Put that all together, you got all the colors of the Shit Rainbow. ''[sarcastically]'' Hooray, LJN.

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover, playing Back to the Future Part III on Genesis]'' Naturally, the graphics are a big step up, going over to a 16-bit console, and it represents the film far better than the Nintendo games. But there's one fatal flaw: the difficulty. You're Doc Brown on a horse trying to save Clara from going into the ravine. Unfortunately, the ground is littered with crates and other random obstacles, and the air is filled with birds, tomahawks, and all kinds of projectiles.
:'''The Nerd''': You get hit once, it knocks you off your horse, costing you precious time. If you fall only a few times, you have to start over. ''[Game Over screen with Clara falling into the ravine and her gravestone appears]'' Hazards come without any warning. The human brain cannot react as fast as this game demands! It's like a memory test; the only way to get by is to remember the whole level.
:'''The Nerd''': Uh, Jump! Uh, uh, jump again! Duck, uh... shoot, uh... what, ''[yells]'' '''''FUCK!''''' ''[Doc Brown gets knocked off horse]'' ''[exclaims]'' You fucking processing, stop being so blast!
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' It's really hard to distinguish which objects are hazards and which are just there for decoration, like this underwear. This is a perfect example of a game that starts out way too hard. It's only the first level and I can't beat it!
:'''The Nerd''': From what I understand, there's only four levels. For a Sega Genesis game, that's pathetic. I guess they were too lazy to design a longer game so they just made it more difficult so it'd take longer to beat, that's all!
:'''The Nerd''': ''[moans]'' Oh, and that fucking song, I am so sick of hearing it! Next time I hear Ghost Riders in the Sky, I'm gonna think about going 100 miles per hour on a horse jumping crates and getting shot at and shit!
:''[Doc gets knocked off horse repeatedly]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' Fuck-fuck-fuck-'''''UNGH'''''-'''''UNGH'''''-fuck-fuck-ungh-UNGH-UNGH-FUCK-fuck-''ungh''-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-'''''FUCK!!! FUCK!''''' ''[gets furious, throws a pillow at the TV, takes out the game, throws it to the floor and screams.]'' Daaamn!! ''[he yells while he strangles the controller and throws the pillow to the floor.]''

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[after playing Super Back to the Future Part II on SNES]'' A '''''good''''' ''Back to the Future'' game? Somebody made a good ''Back to the Future'' game...and it was only in Japan? ''[suddenly gets angry]'' '''''WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS FUCKIN' WORLD?!''''' We get '''''THESE''''' shitty games, but not '''''THAT''''' one? Like, what the Hell? Why would you do that? It's good! I mean, it's not great, but, it's the best goddamn ''Back to the Future'' game I've ever played. It's actually a game! Why bury the gem and dig up the turd? Innocent people have suffered through these fucking fuck heaps! People developed &quot;Fuck it!&quot;-itis from this shit! People have gone on to live horrible lives, kicking babies in the balls! If you would've went back in time and said to people, &quot;Hey, hey, there's a good ''Back to the Future'' game. Put this shit down and go to Japan!&quot;, they would've looked at you like you're telling them to go...teabag a goat on the surface of Mars. ''[sarcastically]'' Well, thank you for taking a fuckin' shit on us all.

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:'''The Nerd''': Well, hope you enjoyed my Nintendo Days Re-Revisited. Oh, and guess what? Yeah, I hate sentences that begin with that: &quot;Guess what?&quot; Because you know it's never a good thing. ''[sighs]'' But the fact is... I have one more game to revisit. I don't wanna say what it is, let alone even play it, but I'm thinking about it.

=== Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde Re-Revisited ===
:''[The episode begins with a black-and-white clip; the first few seconds from the original &quot;Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde&quot; review from 2004. The Nerd's voice can be heard over this.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' In May of 2004, I gave a warning about a game called Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I made it perfectly clear: '''''DO NOT PLAY''''' this game. But, from what I understand... people have played it. They didn't listen...but, it wasn't their fault. I only showed about one minute of footage from the game, and even though I talked about it at great length, it didn't do any good. ''[The Nerd drinks some Rolling Rock.]'' I called it a piece of shit. I called it an awful pile of steaming goat shit... ''[shakes his head in disgust]'' ...but, that was honoring it. I could have said ''anything,'' it wouldn't have mattered. I could have taken a '''''fuck''''' on it. But my own '''''fuck''''' would have been offended to lay on this ''loathsome piece of '''filth.''''' Just the thought of covering this thing in doo-doo is like encasing it in gold. I curse the day I ''ever'' laid eyes on it. I curse the plastic that holds this abomination. My words are ''insufficient'' in describing the '''''total insult''''' to humanity that this '''''&quot;game&quot;''''' has provided. Everything that '''''I've''''' ever said, and anything that '''''anybody else''''' has ever said, is '''''not''''' enough. It '''''must''''' be shown. ''[He drinks more Rolling Rock]''

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:'''The Nerd:''' Here's the deal. If you die as Jekyll, you turn into Hyde. Die as Hyde, the game's over. There's two ways to die as Hyde. Number 1: The traditional way: Getting hit too many times. Number 2: Getting '''''as far''''' as Jekyll. Yeah, you know whenever lightning strikes and you drop dead in your tracks for no apparent reason? Well, ''that's'' the reason. You got too far.

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:'''The Nerd:''' Ah, these bees! Go away! ''[Jekyll's cane attack kills a bee]'' What happened? I killed a bee? ''[Jekyll's cane attack kills another bee]'' '''''I KILLED SOMETHING!''''' The only thing you can kill in the whole game, and it's a ''little, tiny, stupid, '''FUCKIN' BEE!'''''

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:'''The Nerd''': When Robert Louis Stevenson wrote his story about a doctor who makes a potion that exposes his inner evil, he didn't realize that the potion would become a reality. Not in the form of chemistry, but through a late 20th century interactive electronic apparatus. Awful music, dreadful graphics, unspeakable gameplay, deceptive enemies, unavoidable hazards, useless weaponry, all mixed together and calculated just right. That is a ''horrible'' concoction!

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:''[Cut to a graveyard, the Nerd digs up a skeleton from Robert Louis Stevenson's grave. The Nerd chokes the skeleton, but the skeleton laughs in a monstrous voice, and begins to choke the Nerd in response. Intimidated, the Nerd throws the skeleton away.]''
:'''Skeleton''': ''[gives the Nerd the middle finger]'' Fuck you.
:''[The Nerd tries to hit the skeleton with the cane, but misses, and the skeleton chortles, completely unharmed]''
:'''Skeleton''': I am the devil! ''[laughs evilly]'' Now go play some Dr. Jekyll and Mr. '''''HYDE!!!!!'''''
:'''The Nerd''': No!
:'''Skeleton''': ''[bellows]'' '''''HYDE!!!!!!'''''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[softer]'' No...!

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:'''The Nerd:''' I think I get it. Why, it's the best game ever made. It's more than a game! It exposes the dual nature of the human spirit. The only way to win the game is to be Jekyll, but you wanna be Hyde so you can shoot shit! You see, it's a constant battle between good and evil, and Jekyll must stay farther along his path than Hyde. If Hyde gains the lead, then evil will triumph over good, and that's the true conflict of the human soul.
:'''The Nerd:''' And to deny the evil completely would only force it into the subconscious mind, like a city broken into different social classes: people don't wanna step outside their own boundaries, like Jekyll wandering into the wrong section of town, he's unwelcome. Nevertheless, he must abide by his own good nature.
:'''The Nerd:''' No wonder the cane doesn't work. The game does not reward you for acting upon your malevolent intentions. It's a proposed guideline for a set of morality rules to be programmed into real life. It uses the Victorian Era as a fundamental depiction of outward respectability and inward lust, it's a metaphor for social and geographical fragmentation. It alludes the Freud theory of repression in which unacceptable desires or impulses are excluded from the conscious mind and left to operate on their own in the ''un''conscious.
:'''The Nerd:''' Or, you could just say, '''''&quot;THE GAME FUCKIN' SUCKS.&quot;'''''

=== [[w:Lester the Unlikely|Lester the Unlikely]] ===
:'''AVGN''': (sighs) What's the point? It's all gonna be dust one day. [He decides to play Lester the Unlikely] ''[[w:Lester the Unlikely|Lester the Unlikely]].'' It's unlikely that this is gonna be a good game. (Inserts the game in and turns the Super Nintendo on as Lester yells like Tarzan.) Okay, title screen. Guy swinging on a vine. Like every other jungle adventure game. Then comes the story. You're Lester, a comic book geek who wanders onto a dock, and then... (Groans) OK, I have no faith in this character already if he's gonna go to sleep on a piece of cargo that's being loaded onto a ship. He becomes an involuntary stowaway, the ship's raided by pirates, and Lester swims to a nearby tropical island. That's where the game begins.

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:'''AVGN''': Half the time Lester does things against your own will. ''[Lester automatically runs away from a crab]'' I didn't do that! The game did! Have you ever had a game character disobey? ''[Lester runs away from a large turtle on the ground]'' Go near the godfuckingdamn turtle! Why does he keep running!? What's so threatening about a fucking turtle!? ''[Lester runs away from another turtle]'' Run, Lester, run! Get away from that turtle! That turtle might charge really fucking fast!

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:'''AVGN''': This is a penis-shaped piss stain on the face of gaming. I'd rather fuck the Wicked Witch of the West! I'd rather play a CD-i game! Yeah! Like ''The Flowers of Robert Mapplethorpe''. ''[plays it, but after a while of just looking at still images of flowers]'' ...No, I wouldn't.

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:'''AVGN''': Just let him die. Who wants to play as a weak, pathetic character like this? Wouldn't you rather be a tough guy? Isn't that the whole point of playing a game? To feel empowered? To be someone you're not? I mean, I get it - he's supposed to be a nerd. Well, this &quot;nerd&quot; makes me look like [[w:Charles Bronson|Charles Bronson]]! [[w:Steve Urkel|Steve Urkel]] could beat the fuck out of this guy! I think this whole thing was an experiment: To create the world's ''worst'' video game character.

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:'''AVGN''': No wonder why he didn't get his own sequels. I can imagine what Lester the Unlikely 2 would've been like. The game would start... and you couldn't even move! All that happens, Lester pulls down his pants, sucks his thumb, and takes a fuck. The third game, you couldn't even get past the title screen. All that happens, you push Start, and Lester falls down and farts. (he shrugs) The fourth game doesn't even work at all. You just put it in your Super Nintendo... (the Nerd puts the game into the SNES, turns it on, and the game explodes)... and it explodes. (disgusted) The fifth game isn't even a game at all: it's just a bag of shit that says Lester the Unlikely 5 on it. (the Nerd holds up the &quot;Lester the Unlikely&quot; 5 bag and fuck is dripping down to the floor. The Nerd holds his nose in revolt.) And there's a new one coming up on the PS4 using the latest state-of-the-art technology (the Nerd holds up the CD) of constructing the disc out of orangutan diarrhea. It just turned out that was the only way, and it really gives Blu-Ray a run for its money.

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:'''AVGN''': Fuck this game. (throws down the controller) And you know what? Fuck all games. I'm gonna watch some TV. ''(He turns on the TV and tries to change channels, but the TV is all static.)'' Man. TV nowadays sucks.

=== How The Nerd Stole Christmas ===
:'''AVGN''': ''[[w:Wall Street Kid|Wall Street Kid]]'' is a game about cash and stocks. Might as well fill my Christmas socks with trash and severed cat cocks!

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:'''AVGN''': ''[[w:Killing Time (video game)|Killing Time]]'' on [[w:3DO Interactive Multiplayer|3DO]] doesn't give you enough ammo! Your parents paying fifty bucks for a game where you shoot the fuck out of ducks really sucks! I'd rather eat deceased skunk yeast than play inferior arcade ports like ''[[w:Altered Beast|Altered Beast]]''. Altered Beast is a nut-kicking feast I can't stand in the least!

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:'''AVGN''': ''[[w:S.C.A.T.: Special Cybernetic Attack Team|S.C.A.T.]]'' stands for Special Cybernetic Attack Team, but &quot;the droppings of carnivorous mammals&quot; is what the word &quot;scat&quot; really means. It's as close as you can get to a Nintendo game called &quot;Shit&quot;.

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:'''AVGN''': We'll see how they like ''[[w:Circus Caper|Circus Caper]]'', it's as fun as inhaling Chewbacca's anal vapor!

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: '''AVGN''': ''[Playing [[w:Fist of the North Star (Nintendo Entertainment System)|''Fist of the North Star'']] on NES]'' Finding the right door is such a chore. C'mon, where do I go!? What a bore! Finally, when you do find the right door, how you go in? Wanna know the way? Not up, not down: By pressing Right, B, and A!!! How much were they drinking!? Why is it so stinking!? I'm staring unblinking, &quot;What were they thinking!?&quot;

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:'''Bear McCreary''': ''[singing to the tune of ''You're A Mean One, Mr. Grinch''].''
:''You're a mean one, Mr. Nerd.''
:''You really are a jerk!''
:''You're shameless as a shitmop,''
:''You got mischief in your smirk, Mr. Nerd.''
:''I wouldn't blame you when you're playing Atari Berzerk!''
:''You're a vile one, Mr. Nerd.''
:''You've got demons in your soul!''
:''You're wacky and you're wicked,''
:''Your crap is full of coal, Mr. Nerd.''

=== [[w:Day Dreamin' Davey|Day Dreamin' Davey]] ===
:'''AVGN''': Oh, no. Time to play a fucky game for the 98th fucking time. Day Dreamin' Davey. Should I even care who the hell Davey is? Oh no, it's HAL. Don't trust anything called HAL. Actually, the same company created Kirby, and developed Super Smash Bros. Maybe this won't be so bad then.
:'''Davey''': Awesome!
:'''AVGN''':  Oh, no. I just jinxed the whole thing. Well, as you probably guessed from the title, this is all about a kid who daydreams. Starts out, Davey's in school, and a bully steals his pencil. ...So he's gotta get the pencil back? Man, that's some epic storyline right there. So, Davey falls asleep in class and dreams he's in the Middle Ages. It's like your typical Zelda-esque adventure, but instead of trying to save a princess and save the lives of everyone in the land from evil forces, it's all about getting... a pencil.

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:'''AVGN''': Why does he care so much about a fucking pencil? Was he planning to take it home after school and shove it up his fuck or something?

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:'''AVGN''': Then you get a sword, but it's a dream, so when he wakes up it's a ruler he's holding. Why is he so excited about a ruler? Does he wanna measure his turds? Then the teacher says, &quot;What are you doing? You are going to see the principal for this.&quot; Um, for what? For measuring his turds in class?

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:'''AVGN''': What's this? A hooker? She asks if I need some &quot;help&quot;? Really! There's a Nintendo game where a ''hooker'' tries to sell herself to a kid. ''Now'' this whole thing is worth it.

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:'''AVGN''': ''[after defeating the Medusa]'' Finally when you kill her, you grab her head off the ground. You know what would be really awesome? If Davey woke up here, and had the teacher's decapitated head in his hands. ''[appears an image of Davey happily holding the teacher's blood dripping head]'' Yeah.

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:'''AVGN''': ''[after Davey got a trophy in his dream, and he wakes up in front of the principal with the trophy actually in his possession]'' So Davey wakes up and the Principal's like, &quot;Where'd you get that trophy?&quot; So, now Davey's actually bringing back objects from his dreams? Does this make any sense? You know what would be cool? If Freddy Krueger came out and clawed his fucking face off!

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:'''AVGN''': Well, that's it! Basically, that's Day Dreamin' Davey. That's the whole game. Mediocre... That's what it is. So, until next time... Gotta dream... something... better...

=== [[w:Star Wars computer and video games|Star Wars]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': I have a bad feeling about this. We're gonna play a bunch of ''[[w:Star Wars computer and video games|Star Wars games]].''The movies were a prime target for video game adaptations. They were full of all kinds of action setpieces with battles taking place in space and on land, lightsaber duels, speederbike chases. They had lovable characters, great storylines, and a classic mythology that was bright for expanding upon in the world of gaming. So, how could they fuck that up? Let's find out. Our journey begins, innocently enough, with the Atari 2600. ''[plays Star Wars for the Atari 2600]'' This is the first Star Wars game, or at least the first Atari version based on the first movie. It follows the same format as the arcade version which came out before. It focuses on only one scene from the movie: the climactic rebel attack on the Death Star. It's unimpressive to say the least, but for the time, it was ambitious to try and create a 3D perspective. And besides, the Atari 2600 is well known for not being able to live up to the arcade standards of quality.

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[Playing the Japanese Famicom ''Star Wars'', the Nerd fights [[w:Darth Vader|Darth Vader]] inside the sandcrawler level, and is shocked when Vader transforms into a scorpion.]'' Did that happen in the movie? Did that happen in... any of the movies?! Did Darth Vader say to [[w:Luke Skywalker|Luke]], &quot;I am your father, and I am also, a ''fucking'' scorpion!&quot; No! It's not true! '''''THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!! WHY DOES DARTH VADER TURN INTO A FUCKING SCORPION?!''''' That doesn't even happen in the Special Editions! There is ''no'' version of ''Star Wars,'' in this universe or timeline, or any other (I'm...sure of it.) where Darth Vader turns into...''[Takes his glasses off, cleans them, rubs his eyes, and puts them back on]''...a ''fucking'' scorpion.

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:'''The Nerd''': It also happens to be one of those &quot;Where the fuck do I go?&quot; kind of games. If you haven't played the game before, you can spend hours searching for the right place. 

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:'''The Nerd''': OK, so I guess he's going into the Mos Eisley bar. That's the famous scene in the movie where Luke meets [[w:Han Solo|Han Solo]]. But one thing I didn't know was that they allow Landspeeders in the bar. What, does Luke just crash his way in? ''[a car-crashing sound effect and a Chewbacca roar are imposed on Luke riding the landspeeder straight into the bar]'' It's quite interesting, actually. In this version, Luke gets to the bar so fast, I bet Han and Greedo were still talking at, at the table, and you know, who shot first, Han or Greedo, whatever. But actually, neither one of them did! Luke kills Greedo with his Landspeeder. Right after Han says &quot;Over my dead body.&quot;, '''''BOOM!''''' All of a sudden, Luke comes through, crashing with the fucking Landspeeder!!! I wanna see ''that'' in the next Special Edition.

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:'''The Nerd''': The NES got [[w:Star Wars (1991 video game)|a different Star Wars game.]] ''[sees JVC logo]'' Hold on. No LJN? It's a movie based game, it's on Nintendo, and it wasn't made by LJN? Then it might have a chance.

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:'''The Nerd''': Man, the only way to beat an outrageously difficult game like this is to cheat! Like, I hear a lot of people use emulators or save-states. You know, that would be pretty handy, I guess, but you know what'd be better? How about just a button you press that makes the game beat? And that's why I invented the Beat-A-Game Button! Yeah! All you do, if you're playing a really hard game, you just push the button, and the game's beat! Let's try it out. ''[[w:Ninja Gaiden II: The Dark Sword of Chaos|Ninja Gaiden II]].'' Ooh, that's a hard game. Oh, man. Oh, shit. I'm getting my fuck kicked. ''[he gets an idea as he presses the Beat-A-Game Button then beats Ninja Gaiden II]'' ''[[w:The Legend of Zelda (video game)|Legend of Zelda]]!'' ''[presses the button and he beats said game]'' Beat it. ''[[w:Mega Man (video game)|Mega Man]]!'' ''[presses the button and he beats said game]'' Beat it. You'd never thought you could beat the game. Not without the Beat-A-Game Button! ''[stands up and walks to his NES library]'' All right, all you games. Consider your ass beat! ''[he holds the button in triumph while an 8-bit version of [[w:Music of Star Wars|The Imperial March]] plays as he wouldn't use the button to beat every single game]'' All right, back to ''Star Wars.''

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:'''The Nerd''': Of course we had to stop somewhere because there's a whole galaxy of ''Star Wars''-related games so this could've gone on and on. With ''Star Wars Rebel Assault, Dark Forces, Jedi Academy, Rogue Squadron, Battlefront, Star Wars Chess, Lego Star Wars, Star Wars Puzzle Blaster, Star Wars Pod Racer, [he then starts making them up as he goes along] Jar Jar Binks Bingo, Death Star Builder 3.0, Chewie Wookie Cookie Cooking, Stormtrooper Tennis, Jabba's Farts Unleashed,'' (That was a good one.) ''Wedge's Wedgie Attack, Fishing For Ackbars, Super Sith Shit-Toss Tournament Edition, Boba Fett's Name Game,'' (Find his name in the fuckin' movies.) ''Govenor Tarkin vs. Count Dookie--'' ''[a cutout buffalo walks past and defecates through the Nerd's window, breaking it and startling the Nerd.]'' '''''OH, MY GOD!!! OH, MY GOD! WHAT THE--?! THAT FUCKING BUFFALO JUST TOOK A FUCKING FUCK THROUGH MY FUCKING WINDOW!!! OH, MY FUCKING GOD, THERE'S FUCK AND FUCKING GLASS ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE! WHERE IN THE FUCK DID THAT FUCKING COME FROM?! OH, MY GOD!! NOW I GOTTA FUCKING CLEAN ALL THIS FUCK UP! WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?!'''''

=== [[w:R.O.B.|R.O.B. The Robot]] ===
:'''R.O.B.''': ''[robotic voice]'' I will play, I am R.O.B., Robotic Operating Buddy.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[intrigued]'' Okay, cool, a robot. Here ya go. ''[hands R.O.B. the controller]''
:'''R.O.B.''': ''[robotic voice]'' Error, does not compute, requires adaptive device.
:'''The Nerd''': It's a controller. You play it.
:'''R.O.B.''': ''[robotic voice]'' I do not have thumbs, you moron. 

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:'''R.O.B.''': ''[robotic voice]'' Must have gyros.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[annoyed]'' You want a fucking gyro now? ''[He goes into the kitchen, makes a gyro sandwich, and returns to R.O.B.]'' All right, here's your damn gyro.
:'''R.O.B.''': ''[robotic voice]'' You idiot. That is not a gyro.
:'''The Nerd''': I know, I tried - what, do you want me to go to fuckin' Greece?

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:'''The Nerd:''' ''[angrily]'' You ready now, R.O.B.? You happy? You got enough ''shit'' to work with?!
:'''R.O.B''': ''[robotic voice]'' Affirmative.
:'''The Nerd''': &quot;Affirmative,&quot; your ''ass!'' Let's play. 

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:'''The Nerd''': Oh, no, no, no, no-- ''[Professor Hector dies]'' ''[growling]'' Fuck! Oh, here comes a Smick! ''[Professor Hector dies again]'' ''[exclaims]'' Fucking Smick's a dick!

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:'''The Nerd''': You're doing this, you cybernetic shit-sucker!

== Season Six ==

=== [[w:Steven Spielberg|Spielberg Games]] ===

:'''AVGN''': You wanna know a recipe for shit? Take a movie, put it on NES, n' you got yourself some shit. But let's go even more extreme. Let's take one of the best movies ever made, ''[[w:Jaws (film)|Jaws]]'', by one of the best directors, Steven Spielberg! And then, let's give it to ''the'' game company that has made more fucking shitty games than anybody else! You see that little rainbow, right there? LJN. ...Now we're talking shit. Ahh, LJN. What we're dealing with here is a shitty-game-making-machine. It's really a miracle of electronic evolution. All this machine does is joke, and cheat, and make shitty games, and that's all.

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:'''AVGN''': Jaws’ Power Meter goes down slower than the hairs grow on a moose’s scrotum.

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:'''AVGN''': We're gonna need a bigger ass... to shit out this fucking turd! ''[Removes the game from the Nintoaster]'' Never playing this game again. I would just throw it into the sea, but I hear that in 2015, there's an antique store opening up, in Hill Valley. They might take it. ''(Picks up a box)'' Well, right here, I got a box of games, based on movies by Steven Spielberg. Let's see what we got. ''(he pulls out E.T. the Extra Terrestrial for the Atari 2600. The Nerd gasps in horror, throws the box away, and the camera zooms in on the E.T. game)'' Ugh!

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:'''AVGN''': Super ''[[w:Schindler's List|Schindler's List]]'' 3D!? Nah, I'm just kiddin'. It's ''[[w:Jurassic Park (film)|Jurassic Park]]''.

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:'''AVGN''': It's one of those &quot;Where the fuck do I go?&quot; kind of games. You run around like an idiot collecting eggs. So, yes, it's like a big Easter egg hunt with Smokey Bear and dinosaurs. 

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:'''AVGN''': Looky looky, I got [[w:Hook|Hooky]].

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:'''AVGN''': It's amazing how many games in the NES library tried to be side-scrollers and failed. The weapon is puny, the controls suck, and it's nothing like the movie. It's a miserable experience that assaults your eyes and ears with ''horrible'' graphics and music. What about your nose? If it was possible, I'm sure the game cartridge would come with an air duct that pervades the room with the rancid odor of a skunk that's died up a horse's ass! Ugh! You know what kind of games I like? Good ones?

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:'''AVGN''': ''[Playing ''Jurassic Park: Interactive'' on the 3DO]'' Oh, look at this! You're a tiny microscopic speck flying around in circuit-chip land shooting three-and-a-half-inch floppy disks. What does this have to do with ''Jurassic Park''!? WHAT WERE THEY THINKING!? Wait a minute. What does it say on the floppy disks? &quot;'''Dump'''&quot;? It says &quot;Dump&quot;? How appropriate. This game is a bunch of anal dump.

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:'''AVGN''': ''Jurassic Park'' on 3DO is a complete mockery, man. Does it suck? You bet &quot;JUR ASS IC&quot; sucks! In the words of Ian Malcom, &quot;That is one big pile of shit.&quot; The problem with all these games is that the power to make them doesn't require any discipline. They took the movie, without any responsibility, they stood on the shoulders of Steven Spielberg and Michael Crichton to accomplish something as fast as they could, and before they even knew what they had, they patented it, they packaged it, they slapped it on a plastic game cartridge or CD, and (slaps) they sold it.

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:'''AVGN''': Now even though this says E.T. Go Come on the cover it is not the E.T. game. Oh no. Now I gotta make something perfectly clear. I play shitty games so that innocent gamers don't have to. But there's ''one'' game I ''never'' play. ''[picks up [[w:E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (video game)|E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial]] for the Atari, opens the box, shows a cartridge then throws it in disgust while the choir sings in background]'' Ugh! ''[looks away, then looks back just as the camera slowly zooms in on the game with texts appear saying &quot;To Be Continued in [[w:Angry Video Game Nerd: The Movie|Angry Video Game Nerd: The Movie]]&quot;]''

=== The Making of an Angry Video Game Nerd episode/[[w:Barbie (video game)|Barbie]] ===
:'''AVGN''': No degeneracy is low enough to satisfy the shit-seeking gamer who decides to play ''Barbie'' on NES. Whoo. We know that most games on NES are targeted towards young boys. So, here's one for the girls. As an adult male, why would I ''ever'' want to play this? Because I'm pathetic, and I'm asking for fuck!

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:'''AVGN''': So the game is actually her dream, in case you ever wanted to know what Barbie dreams about. She dreams about a nursery that's been overtaken by a poltergeist! Tennis rackets are hitting balls all over the place, there's clothing flying around, she has to fight the invisible woman, there's a puppy dog that's helping her attack evil stockings or something, Toucan Sam gives her a lift... I wonder if there's any psychological meaning behind these dreams. Barbie's really fucked up in the head. Even the craziest psychopaths on Earth don't dream this fuck!

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:'''AVGN''': The wallpaper's covered in roses, teddy bears, and baseballs. I guess you can say this game is balls to the wall. I can't help but notice how many balls are in the game. They're everywhere! Perhaps the meaning behind this is because she's obsessed with Ken's balls.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I just got my ass handed to me by a ''Barbie'' game. This game was made for little girls and I can't even get past the first few stages. Fuck this game! Fucking Barbie! Plastic pink mall-shopping, bimbo, ball-craving, bird-riding, ghost-fighting, fish-flopping, psycho-dreaming, HAIR BRAIN PIECE OF FUCK! Go to fuck!

=== [[w:Kid Kool|Kid Kool]] ===
:'''AVGN''': ''Kid Kool'' is a game that's so bad, you wouldn't want to go wipe your ass on it. Your worst fucking enemies don't deserve to play this accursed, foul piece of garbage! Satan doesn't even have any games in Fuck that are as wretched as this putrid shitload of fuck!

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:'''AVGN''': There's parts where you have to get over water and the only way to do this is to master the fragile art of skipping across on your butt. Think it looks easy? It's not.

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:'''AVGN''': ''What'' is the deal with this? Did the programmers have any clue how to make a video game? You're not supposed to have the game stop in mid-jump to reorient the screen! That is so irritating! How are you supposed to make a jump when the screen keeps jolting up and down!? How are you supposed to stomp on enemies!? Look at this! ''Look at this!'' We'll call it &quot;air suspension fuck-lift&quot;.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''':  So that's ''Kid Kool'' for you. It seems to deliberately follow the guidelines for making an unholy disaster of a game. It has one-way bullshit, two-gear diarrhea, it's heavy on the jump-fuckness, with loads of topside aquatic ass, it has frequent air suspension shit-lifts, a ton of inviso-bitches, and some free-falling fuckballs for good measure. How did they make the game this bad!? It's clearly untested and rushed beyond belief. There couldn't have been that big a demand for ''Kid Kool''. What was the hurry? In order to do something good, it takes time.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I went through all that torture just to be given the middle-finger salute!? This is a perfect example of a game that's been ruined by control. Control! And that's the hardest part to explain because unless you've played the game, you don't really understand. I mean, maybe you've played other games with horrible control like ''Karate Champ'', or ''Dr. Claw's Dump n' Pump'', but those don't compare. Playing this is like trying to thread a needle while it's spinning on a record player. It's like trying to drive a car blindfolded. You would NOT want to try that, nor would you want to try this game! ''Kid Kool'' is not cool! ''[the Nerd blindly throws the game over his shoulder, and by chance it lands into a garbage bin, to his astonishment.]''

=== [[w:Nintendo World Championships|Nintendo World Championships]] ===
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:'''The Nerd''': ''[he excitedly holds the box of NES games]'' If this box contains what I think it does, then this will be the greatest moment in my career as a game collector. I bought this from an eBay auction. The seller gave a list of games included; mostly NES games that I own already. But there's one that caught my attention: ''[[w:Nintendo World Championships|Nintendo World Championships]]''. Under normal circumstances, this particular game would cost a fortune. The seller probably had no idea what they had, and that happens sometimes. They're trying to get rid of some old games at a flea market or a yard sale or something, and they don't realize that what they're selling happens to be one of the most rare NES games in existence. Nintendo World Championships was never sold in stores. It was a specially-made game cartridge used as part of a gaming competition. Remember the 1989 movie, The Wizard with the big game tournament? Well, this was a real-life version inspired by the movie. The competition was part of a big festival called Powerfest in 1990. It was divided into age groups. Each winner got a cash prize of $10,000, and took home other goodies. The finalists each got to keep their own copy of the game. But there was another version made in gold. The gold cartridges are even more rare. Only 26 were made, and given out as part of a random prize giveaway in Nintendo Power magazine. Also, the red label only existed in the promo pics. The actual games were all gold with a cheap logo glued on that's been cut out with scissors. The whereabouts of these games remain largely unknown. But, in recent years, many of them have show up in auctions, commanding huge prices. But there's still more out there. Um, there were other Nintendo contests like Campus Challenge, two of them, and the Super Nintendo Powerfest '94 competition. But Nintendo World Championships seems to be the most famous, and is considered the Holy Grail among NES collectors. Could I have one of these in my possession right now? Let's find out! ''[starts opening up box with excitedly]'' Oh, boy, I can't wait! It's, I wonder, it's probably the grey one. But who knows? It might even be the gold one! ''[anxiously opens box and digs through cartridges, and unveils game labeled &quot;NWC1990&quot;; Nerd is excited until the camera zooms in on the game's text &quot;Reproduction Cartridge&quot;, and the Nerd's joy slowly fades]'' This is a reproduction cart. Anybody can get these. Worth about $50. ''[he sighs, stands up, and walks to game shelves]'' Well, at least I can still say, &quot;I own Nintendo World Championships&quot;. ''[he places the reproduction cartridge into his game shelf]'' It's not the real thing. I'll never own a complete NES collection. Wait a minute. I know somebody who might own a real NWC. Yeah, somebody who's as obsessed with game collecting as I am, and when it comes to NES, he's even more crazy.

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[on the phone with Pat the NES Punk, discussing the authentic copy of the game in Pat's possession]'' Tell you what, uh, if you come on over? I'll help, um, authenticate it for you. I'll give it the Nerd seal of approval.
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': The &quot;Nerd seal of approval&quot;? What is that? Like, you'll take a dump on it?
:'''The Nerd''': No, that would be the Nerd seal of disapproval. Come over, I'll take a look at it.

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[trying to convince Pat to give him the rarer gold NWC cart]'' The gold one's a piece of crap! I mean, you don't want that. I mean, you know how they made those! They just cut out the logo with cheap paper, and they glued it on! With glue!
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': Yeah! Elmer's glue!
:'''The Nerd''': Yeah-yeah, I bet Mr. Elmer himself glued it on from his own goat. ''[imitates goat bleating]''

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:'''Pat the NES Punk''': ''[while getting ready to play NWC]'' Where's your Nintendo?
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, the Nintendo? Right there, the Nintoaster.
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': The what? Are you playing video games or making breakfast? I'm not turning these expensive games into a goddamn English muffin!

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[while playing the ''Rad Racer'' portion of NWC]'' Just think, the NWC cartridges are so expensive, you could actually use that money and buy a real car!
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': Sure, you can buy a car, but it wouldn't be a racer as rad as this.
:'''The Nerd''': Alright, So I finished ''Rad Racer.'' Now I'm up to ''Tetris?''
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': Final game, Nerd. All right, you're on a time limit, and to maximize your score, you gotta get the four-line Tetrises. W-Wait. Why am I helping you? You think you deserve these games? You changed your name from the Angry ''Nintendo'' Nerd to the ''Video Game'' Nerd! I'm the NES Punk, I deserve these games!
:'''The Nerd''': I know a lot of people who own ''Tetris.'' And they actually have the whole game!
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': That's it, that's your score. I'm going to annihilate it. ''[takes the NES controller from The Nerd]'' Thank you very much. ''[gets 50 coins on [[w:Super Mario Bros.|Super Mario Bros.]]]'' Okay, I just beat you on ''Super Mario Bros.'' Now, it's ''Rad Racer'' time.
:'''The Nerd''': Look at that. Well, you got two more games!
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': Yeah, I know I do. I can count!
:'''The Nerd''': Well, just think. We're playing on a reproduction cart, but if we were playing one of those other ones, it would be the same thing. So, what's the point? Just to play on an overly priced game cartridge?
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': What's the point? The point is, those games are part of Nintendo and video game history! There are part of our culture! Those games represent the point where Nintendo dominated our, our society! ''[car in &quot;Rad Racer&quot; crashes]'' Oh-- ah! ''[[w:Tetris|Tetris]]'' is next. I'm not gonna let you taunt me outta this one, I'm gonna win!
:'''The Nerd''': No, I'm serious. This game is a piece of shit.
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': Come on, Pat. Come on. Yeah! Triple-Line score! ''[pants]'' Double-Line score! I'm gonna win. ''[The Nerd gets the hammer from the drawer]'' The games are mine!
:'''The Nerd''': ''Nintendo World Championships'' is poop on a pedestal. It's an over-glorified holy shit-grail! Fuck it to hell, fuck it to high heaven, purgatory, and all existence!
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yes! Yes! I won! I won! ''[The Nerd whacks the two cartridges as he grunts angrily and smashes them into pieces as Pat looks at the broken pieces of NWC cartridges then The Nerd removes the reproduction cartridge.]''
:'''The Nerd''': Here you go. You can have this one. ''[Pat the NES Punk takes it for a moment, and then it slips out of his hands in his own disbelief. Pat the NES Punk then starts laughing, and The Nerd starts laughing as well.]'' Oh, man. ''[laughs then gets attacked by Pat the NES Punk]''

=== [[w:Dark Castle|Dark Castle]] ===

:'''AVGN:''' This is gonna get scary. Okay, I play a lot of 8-bit shit; you know, NES. Why is there so many crappy games on NES? I mean - you know, they have lots of great, classic games as well. But its precious library was being used by all these half-ass game companies as a dumping ground for all their foul shit.

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:'''AVGN:''' ''[Talking about the title screen in the Genesis version of Dark Castle]'' What the hell is this? A ghost giving a castle a blow job?

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:'''AVGN:''' ''[Upon starting the game and noticing the first room]'' This one says &quot;BK&quot;. What the hell does BK stand for? Burger King? I hope! If I go in there and I get served hamburgers, that would be the tits!

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:'''AVGN:''' ''[In the game's dungeon]'' Oh, that's neat. Graffiti on the walls. &quot;Gamers rule&quot; and *what?* &quot;Saddam was here&quot;? As in Saddam Hussein? What was he doin' goin' around writing on castle walls? And &quot;Gamers rule&quot;? That's the same handwriting. Hmm, so Saddam was a really hardcore gamer? Wow.

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:'''AVGN:''' ''[Talking about the music]'' After you listen to the music for a half hour, you get tired of it. Fortunately, you have the option to turn the music off, but you have to do it at the right time, or else, it sustains it. ''[The nerd turns off the music at the wrong time and a loud genesis sound is played]'' '''Isn't that the fuckest thing you've ever heard?!! Didn't anybody test this shit out?!!'''

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:'''AVGN:''' ''[on the game's attacking controls]'' Why couldn’t this just operate like any normal game? Whoever came up with this idea is nuttier than squirrel poop.

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:'''AVGN:''' As you notice, you can duck, it's done by pressing Down and B. But it only ducks for like a second. To stay ducking, you have to press ''up'' and B. Yup, pressing Up to duck is ''pretty fucked up''!

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:'''AVGN:''' On top of everything, it’s one of those maze-like, mindfuck games, where you never know where to go. Can I go here? Nope. Can I go there? Nope. What about here? Nope. Three spots on the same screen, all dead ends. Well, if it’s a dead end, WHY CAN'T THEY MAKE IT LOOK LIKE A DEAD END?! PUT A WALL THERE OR SOMETHING! WHY DOES IT HAVE TO LOOK LIKE A WIDE OPEN PASSAGEWAY?!

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:'''AVGN:''' I happen to find a key, but I can’t figure out what it does. I tried every spot I can think of, but this key is as useless as boobs on a bull. Anything you do, you're fucked! Try this, you're fucked. Try that, you're fucked. You're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked!

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:'''AVGN:''' ''This'' is beyond any doubt, the ''worst'' Sega Genesis game I have ''ever'' played. There’s gotta be something I’m doing wrong. Let me see; maybe it’s on a really high difficulty setting - yeah, let me see what I can do here. Umm… EASY!? It was on easy!? That’s their idea of fucking easy!? Are they out of their minds!? Alright, let’s flick that shit-switch and crank up that diarrhea-dial; I got Dark Castle on C! D! '''''IIIIIIIIIII!!!''''' ''[roaring while flames engulf the room]''

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:'''AVGN:''' I can barely even fucking move! The control is ''impossible''! You ''can’t'' control it. You have more control over the weather than you do in the character in this game!

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:'''AVGN:''' The Genesis version was bad, but this one fucks you harder than life itself! It’s like mixing shit with turds! It’s the most heinously anus thing ever conceived by humankind! It’s a curse to the soul, and it must suffer the tortures of the damned!

=== Bible Games III ===

:'''AVGN:''' In the beginning, the game company called Wisdom Tree began producing unlicensed games for the NES. Wisdom Tree said, &quot;Let there be shit.&quot; And there was shit. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about: Bible games, like Bible Buffet, where you're blowing off a snowman's head (which has nothing to do with the Bible), Super Noah's Ark 3D, where you're slingshottin' pissed off animals, Sunday Funday, where you're killing random people on your way to church, and all those ridiculous CD-i games.
:'''Child's voice:''' Yippie! Yippie! Whoops! Yippie!
:'''AVGN:''' I've already talked about these games in my previous Bible Games episodes. So what's the point of going on? Because Part 3 is never as good. But, you know, there's a few more bible games left, so I might as well finish what I started.

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:'''AVGN:''' ''[playing a Hangman-style game in ''King James Bible'' on Game Boy]'' Alright, what's the word? &quot;'''Goodliest'''&quot;? Who the fuck uses a word like that? &quot;'''Blessedness'''&quot;? Of course. They're all ancient words that nobody says anymore in common speech. Well, that's all there is to that. I marvel at this game's shitliness.

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:'''AVGN:''' The other thing you can do is search for words in the Bible. For example, we can search, I dunno, how about the word &quot;Ass&quot;? [many results appear] Okay, I had no idea there'd be this many results. &quot;'''Then they rent their clothes and laded every man his ass'''&quot;, &quot;'''loose his ox or his ass'''&quot;, &quot;'''whose ass have I taken?'''&quot;, &quot;'''deliver unto his neighbour an ass'''&quot;, &quot;'''Which of you shall have an ass'''&quot;, &quot;'''he had found a young ass'''&quot;, &quot;'''the dumb ass'''&quot; - [laughs] it says &quot;dumb ass&quot; in the Bible - &quot;'''saddled his ass'''&quot;, &quot;'''opened his sack to give his ass'''&quot;, &quot;'''the lion had not eaten the carcase, nor torn the ass'''&quot;, &quot;'''riding upon his ass'''&quot;? ''[chuckles]'' Oh, I'm going to Hell.

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:'''AVGN:''' ''[playing the Genesis version of ''Bible Adventures'']'' Man, Noah has some balls to be rescuing snakes. Indiana Jones wouldn't do that. No, he thinks Noah is a snake-saving shit-sucker. Pee-wee Herman once saved snakes, but he fainted. That's right, in order of manliness, Indiana Jones, then Pee-wee, and then fucking Noah.

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:'''AVGN:''' The monkeys, I hate them. They're so fucking hard to catch! I'm gonna get ya, you stupid monkey. Yeah! Whatever it takes fuckface. You're slime... you're filth... I'm gonna rip you apart.

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:'''AVGN:''' The graphics are dull. There's so much brown. The Ark is brown, the trees are brown. Why's everything gotta be the color of shit? It might as well be shit. Yeah! Those trees in the background are like logs of shit coming out of God's ass. It's HOLY shit.

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:'''AVGN''': Well, that's Bible Adventures, that takes care of all the Bible games on Genesis. I could end things now, but I really don't want there to ever be a Bible Games 4, so there's one little bit of unfinished business: an NES game called King of Kings. I already reviewed this as part of my first Bible Games episode. It has 3 games in it. Jesus and the Temple, which is that Mario 2 (Super Mario Bros. 2) ripoff where you're hopping across logs. Then there's The Wise Men, where you're travelling to Baby Jesus. That means it's the only Christmas game. Isn't that the whole reason I did this in December? Why did I do all these other Bible games? I guess when it comes to bad games, I go above and beyond.

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:'''AVGN:''' ''[replaying ''Flight To Egypt'']'' Every pixel in this game is a sin. First of all, I don't get the title. &quot;''Flight to Egypt''&quot;? You're not flying, you're riding on a donkey, or an ass, if you prefer. What airline is this? &quot;Ass Express&quot;? ...And yes, I know the word &quot;Flight&quot; doesn't necessarily mean aviation, but, hey, it's a fucking joke. Your only attack is this embarrassing, dinky little kick which can't harm anything, unless it's right up in your ass. Or I should say, your ass's ass, not your ass that's sitting upon the ass.

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:'''AVGN:''' And... that's it? Did anything else happen? Did the angel say anything? Did the sight of the angel make Joseph sick in his stomach? Did the donkey stalk them in their sleep? What happened? I assumed that I pressed the button by mistake and actually cancelled out the rest of the ending, but no, I've actually beaten the game multiple times just to try and solve this mystery and the same thing happens! It just stays on this screen until you press something, and then it returns you to the main menu. But I'm aware that the last screen is supposed to be playing text that says &quot;Give your heart to Jesus,&quot; but I'm not seeing it so I'm assuming that I'm supposed to beat all 3 games to see the true ending, and I'm not going through all that trouble, although I will give my heart to Jesus. (The Nerd physically rips out his heart and holds it out.) OH JESUS!

== Season Seven ==

=== [[w:Arnold Schwarzenegger|Schwarzenegger Games]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' I'm back. And so is [[w:Arnold Schwarzenegger|Arnold Schwarzenegger]] in [[w:The Expendables 2|The Expendables 2]] I can't wait to see that! In the 80's and 90's, nobody kicked as much ass and coined as many catchphrases as he did. And now that he's comin' back to do a little more acting, I think it's an appropriate time... to look at some NES games based on his movies. NES, a console so influential in the side-scrolling action genre. Now pair that with one of the biggest action movie stars, and... you have a match made in heaven. How could you go wrong? (nervously gives a dorky smile) Uh, I don't know. (Chuckles) Uh, Take this game for example: ''[[w:Total Recall|Total Recall]]''. I remember my first time playing it as a kid. It was a Friday night, my homework was all done, my mom took me to the video store, I rented this game, I took it home, man, I played it, and it just '''FUCKIN' ''PISSED ME OFF,''''' ''[gritted teeth]'' '''''AND RUINED MY WHOLE GODDAMN WEEKEND!'''''

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:'''The Nerd''': I've already talked about the ''Terminator'' games and they suffered the same fate. The first Terminator had some of the worst controls in existence. The only way to fire the gun is to crouch into this gun mode and jumping around requires extreme accuracy. The second game was a monotonous button masher where enemies take a thousand punches. And there were platforms you can't jump on, like some kind of prank!

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing &quot;Last Action Hero&quot; on NES]'' It uses cutscenes with images taken from the movie, but they look like garbage. The contrast is so intense you can't even tell what you're looking at. What is this? A dead fish? A porcupine's back? Oh, it's the top of some guy's head. Damn, it looks like the NES just vomited all over your TV screen. How does it look this bad? I know this is only 8-bit, but I've seen much better. Even with ''Total Recall!'' Arnold's face on the title screen actually looks like him. Hell, even the ''E.T.'' game on Atari 2600 actually looks like E.T. On the title screen at least, but, God, ''[stutters]'' I can't talk about that game.

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[after playing &quot;Conan&quot; on NES]'' Who'd wanna play it anyway? I'd rather have a Sasquatch sit its ass on my face and shoot diarrhea down my throat! I'm dead fucking serious. What a shitload of fuck. What were they thinking? ''[he drinks Rolling Rock]'' And you know what the worst part about it is? I don't think it's really supposed to be based off the ''Conan the Barbarian'' movie. Just the character. So it's not really a Schwarzenegger game, and I just wasted my fucking time.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': All right, one last game, one last chance for the Schwarzenegger NES library to redeem itself: ''[[w:Predator (film)|Predator]].'' How could this be bad? It's fucking Predator. You look at the cover and think &quot;Yeah! This game's gonna be awesome!&quot; This is a real man's game. This game will turn you into a sexual tyrannosaur. Like me. ''[puts the game in the Nintoaster as the screen shows the game that Arnold wears pink]'' Is he wearing pink? Why'd they put him in pink? Did they see the movie? He doesn't wear pink in the movie. That's not an appropriate army color. I don't know. Maybe he's in pink to stand out from the dull graphics. The graphics are as ugly and dirty as this game's mom. This game sucks so bad the enemy soldiers commit suicide. In addition to the enemy soldiers, you must also face scorpions which you can stand on and they take you for a ride. But only the green scorpions. What, you thought you could ride on a red scorpion? What are you, crazy?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': This is another one of those games where the music doesn't stop when you pause. Even worse, if you press any button while paused other than &quot;Start&quot;, you will self-destruct. This ''can'' be handy, if you find yourself stuck somewhere, due to faulty game design. Like, here. I'm stuck in the damn rocks. So, rather than working out the bugs, they decided to include a suicide button. This is dangerous, because whenever the game's paused, you have to be careful not to hit the wrong button. Don't pause it, and then, pass it to your buddy whose thumb accidentally touches the &quot;A&quot; or &quot;B&quot; button, and kills off your last life fast than you can say &quot;Oops!&quot;. Another major inconvenience is that every time you die, you have to make sure to pick &quot;Continue&quot;. If you pick &quot;Start&quot;, your game is forever lost, and you have to go all the way back to the beginning. And sooner or later, when you keep playing this long enough...you're gonna make a mistake. It doesn't help that they put the cursor ''on'' &quot;Start&quot; by default. And you can't select by pressing the D-Pad. You have to use the &quot;Select&quot; button, which is right next to the &quot;Start&quot; button, increasing your risk of fucking it up. ''That'' is some sadistic bullshit.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' This game blows ass, sucks duck cunt, fucking shit munchin' bunch of pile of... poop.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' ''[gets killed]'' '''''Fuck!''''' All right, c'mon. C'mon, c'mon c'mon. ''[he accidentally selects &quot;Start&quot; instead of &quot;Continue&quot;, and is shocked]'' Oops. ''I hit Start?'' ''I hit Start... '''I gotta go all the way back to the beginning.''''' ''[The Nerd shakes his controller and screams in rage]''  '''''AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!! FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-- SHIIIIIIIIIIT!!''''' ''[chokes himself with the controller]'' '''''FUUUUUUCK!! DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN!! AAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSS! YOUR MOTHER! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!''''' ''[drinks Rolling Rock]'' That's it. I'm seein' red. I'm gonna beat this fucker '''''right now!'''''

&lt;hr width='50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Oh, my God, I'm so fuckin' mad I could take a chainsaw to a fuckin' baby's neck right now! I could kick a baby pony! Out of my way, I'm gonna fuck you up. Fuckin' game, I'm gonna fuckin' kill it! [grunts] Your mother! Your father! Your uncle! Your uncle! ''[growls]'' Yeah! Yeah, I'm at the final boss! And-- And it's a... big Predator head that looks like Casey Jones from the ''Ninja Turtles.''
:'''The Nerd:''' C'mon, fu-fu-fu-fu-fu-fuck-- shit! ''[grunts]'' Shoot the bastard, come on! You stop shootin' that shit at me, I'm gonna fuckin' kill you! I'm gonna fuckin' kill you! See, I'm not playin' around. I'm not '''''FUCKIN' AROUND HERE!''''' ''[growls]'' '''''I'M NOT...FUCKIN' AROUND!'''''
:''[eventually defeats the first phase of the boss]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Ooh, the mask is off now. ''Now'' it's serious. Now it's fuckin'... ''[grunts]'' ...fuckin' fuck time! Oh, my God, I gotta fuckin' win before I have a heart attack!
:''[defeats the boss]''
:'''The Nerd:''' ''[shocked and happy]'' I did it! I did it, I won! I beat ''Predator!'' Oh, man. Ooh, boy. ''[exhales and reads text]'' &quot;Congratulations. You have survived.&quot; ''[deep sigh]'' Barely! ''[throws the NES controller.]''

=== [[w:Ghosts 'n Goblins|Ghosts 'n Goblins]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': Happy Halloween. And guess what I have here? I was doing an autograph signing not too long ago, and one of my fans hands me this piece of paper. It's a petition to review ''[[w:Ghosts 'n Goblins|Ghosts 'n Goblins]].'' Yeah, he went through the line and got everybody to sign it. Now, what's there to say about ''Ghosts 'n Goblins?'' Well, it's not a bad game. It's made by Capcom so how could it? But, it's one of the most difficult games in the NES library. This game is harder than fossilized triceratops turds! I'm talking Mega Man combined with Castlevania, that kind of hard. Games this ruthless and unforgiving should be illegal. And I never got a petition to review any other game. That's a true testament to the game's legacy and the internal frustration that scarred us all since childhood. I remember my first time playing it: I got it for my birthday, the same day I got my NES.
:'''Young James''': You wanna play ''Ghosts 'n Goblins?''
:'''Young April''': Yeah, I do!
:'''Young James''': Look!
:'''Young April''': I do!
:'''The Nerd''': Of course I had the ''Super Mario Bros./Duck Hunt'' combo cartridge, but the first game I attempted was ''Ghosts 'n Goblins.'' That's right, this is the first NES game I ever played. And that's one Hell of a game to start with.
:'''Young April''': Go on, shoot 'em, shoot 'em!
:'''Young James''': I don't know how!
:'''The Nerd''': Naturally, I got my ass kicked. This is what it would've looked like my first time playin' the game. I sucked balls. This new console was way different than the Atari 2600 I was accustomed to. In the 80's, these were the kind of brutal-ass games that kicked us into shape and heightened our senses. Made us into fuckin' tigers. And now, 25 years later, I'm gonna put my gaming skills to the ultimate test, and see if I can finally beat this fucker. Because, it's Halloween. There's no excuse. I can feel in the air. The time is right to play some Ghosts 'n Goblins.
:''[The Nerd inserts the game and thunder claps and lightning flashes]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': It begins with one of the most shocking intros in video game history: A couple just got done having sex in a cemetery. I'm not even kidding! What else does it look like? He's not even wearing clothes! Next thing, Satan shows up as if saying &quot;Yeah, I want to get in on some of that!&quot; and takes her away. That's the plot. Is that the greatest opening to an NES game or what?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[after getting killed by Satan]'' And now you're stuck with that shitty shield. Don't even try. You can't kill the Unicorn with the shield. It doesn't work. If someone else wants to try it, go ahead. You need the knife. So now, you gotta go ghostbusting. Kill those fucking ghosts until one of them drops a knife. Again, it's at pure random. So, expect to run the timer out a few times. And by this point, those annoying squeals the ghosts make will nearly drive you to break the fucking TV screen. ''[ghosts make squealing noises and the Nerd mimics it]'' '''''OH, SHUT UP!!!'''''
:'''The Nerd''': Finally, when you get the knife back, you can try the level again. ''[The Nerd is fighting Satan]'' C'mon, c'mon, c'mon! I'm gonna do it! ''[dies and exclaims with frustration]'' '''''FUCK!''''' ''[to the Jack O' Lantern]'' '''WHAT'RE ''YOU'' LAUGHIN' AT?!'''
:'''The Nerd''': You know that feeling you get when you ''almost'' beat the level, and you want another shot right away? You have that adrenaline going, and you want to start again immediately? Well, you can't. You gotta go wait for the fucking knife to come back. So, you'll never get two tries in a row. You know what? I'm sick of it! I've been playing this fucking game since the 80's. I gotta beat it! I need closure on this. I need to end this chapter on my life. This chapter of...not beating Ghosts 'N Goblins. ''[he barely beats two Satans as he gasps in joy]'' I did it! I beat two Satans! In my underwear!
:'''The Nerd''': Final boss: The Devil! Notice how I'm walking backwards. So, it's now in one-on-one fighting mode. Kinda like a certain other Capcom game. ''[gets hit and exclaims]'' Come on! My mother throws bigger fireballs than that.
:''[The Nerd defeats the Devil and is shocked but relieved]''
:'''The Nerd''': You know what? I don't try to be cocky or anything but... '''''who's the man?''''' I just beat one of the hardest games of all time! I bet you didn't think I could really do it, but [[w:Dawn of the Dead (1978 film)|I got this, man. '''''I GOT THIS BY THE ASS!''''']] ''[notices text on the screen]'' &quot;This room is an illusion and is a trap devisut by Satan. Go ahead dauntlessly! Make rapid progres!&quot;? ''[starts again from the beginning of the game and is horrified and speechless]''
:'''The Nerd''': You have to beat the game twice? ''[chuckles sarcastically]'' You have to beat the game twice in a row. That's just great because this time I'm ''[angrily]'' '''''TWICE AS FUCKING PISSED OFF!!''''' Beat the game twice. I'll show you twice. After all that hard work, who would want to do that shit again? It's like building a house and when you're finished, you tear it down just to build it one more time. &quot;Oh, yeah, we could've made 12 stages, but instead, let's just make six and make people have to play the game twice.&quot;
:'''The Nerd''': All right. I'm gonna get the good ending this time. It better be good, whatever it is. It better be something awesome for goin' through the game twice. All right. '''''All right!''''' ''[beats the game again]'' '''''YEAH! I did it!''''' ''[reads the ending screen]'' &quot;Contraturation. This story is happy end. Thank you. Being the wise and courageour knight that you are you feel strongth welling in your body. Return to starting point. Challenge again!&quot;?
:''[The Nerd is angrily speechless, and rage builds up inside him, and tries yelling &quot;Fuck!&quot;, but can't.]''
:'''The Nerd''':  Curse! Curse, Goddamn it! ''[grunts]'' I used up all my &quot;Fuck&quot; points during the last 107 episodes. ''[sighs]'' I don't have anything new. I gotta rely on the old tricks.
:''[The Nerd starts fighting the Ghosts 'N Goblins cartridge Final-Fantasy style]''
:'''The Nerd''': All right. Let's try the cluster F-Bombs. Fuck this fucking piece of shit fucking shit fucker game!
:''[Ghosts 'n Goblins attacks the Nerd]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[grunts]'' Uh, gotta go for the Precision F-Strike. ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, how this game lures you in with its appealing gameplay, and charming atmosphere, and then ''[angrily]'' '''BENDS YOU OVER AND ''FUCKS'' YOU TO HELL!!'''
:''[Ghosts 'n Goblins attacks with diarrhea blast]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[exclaims]'' All right, how about some Wordplay? Alliteration. Feast on some fried fuck-farts! Assonance. What's up, you dumb fuck-tuple mother-humpin' muppet-fucker's uncle?! Uh, Rhymes! Suck on this muck, you run amuck fucked-up, uh, mandarin duck.
:''[The Nerd misses and Ghosts 'n Goblins attacks with blizzard of balls]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[groans]'' Alright, when all else fails, it's time for the Atomic F-Bomb!
:''[The Nerd roars and the 8-bit word flies toward the screen]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[roars]'' '''''FUCK!!!!'''''
:''[Loud explosion kills Ghosts 'n Goblins]''

=== Atari Sports ===
:'''The Nerd''': Most of the video games I talk about are... action games, sidescrollers, games that are in the realms of fantasy. But, there's a huge, huge following for games based on sports. And I get a lot of requests for that, and I'm not really a big fan. Because, I don't know, I-I guess I like fantasy games more because it's something that you couldn't do in real life, whereas a sports game you ''could'' go outside and play sports. It's possible. Not for me, 'cause, I don't know anything about sports; I'm a fuckin' nerd.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Football; Don't even get me started. And I'm not talking about the kind of football where they actually ''use'' their foot. I mean the kind where they slam into each other, like a bunch of barbarians! ''[he pounds his fist into his hand as he grunts]'' What I don't understand is why everything is always &quot;bowl&quot;. What, like a toilet bowl? Okay, I know at least what the Super Bowl is. It's the most anticipated football game in the season. And with so much testosterone and high energy going around, why is the halftime show always some pussy pop group? '''''GET METALLICA IN THERE OR SOMETHING,''''' it doesn't make any sense!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Alright. Back to football video games. ''Madden, Madden, Madden.'' ''Madden '91! Madden '92, Madden '93, Madden '94, Madden '95, Madden '96, Madden '97, Madden '98, Madden '99, Madden 2000, Madden 2001, Madden 2002, Madden 2003--'' '''''Who the fuck is John Madden anyway?!''''' He doesn't even look like an athlete! What is it with football? Everywhere you go, football! Go there, football! Football, football, football. Like, what the fuck? Sunday Football, Monday Night Football, Thursday Night Football, Football on Thanksgiving, Football on Christmas, and out of all sports, it's the one everyone goes fuckin' ape-shit over! '''''Makes them act like fuckin' maniacs!''''' ''[screams and crushes Rolling Rock can with his head]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[sighs in relief]'' Man. I gotta calm down. All right. If I'm gonna play some sports games, I gotta start with the Atari 2600. Yeah! This is when sports games were fucking sports games. Look at these titles; Baseball, Basketball, Football, not this ''Madden'' shit.  Just plain-ass, normal, everyday, no question about it, no NFL, no year, not named after a player, not named after a coach, not named after the referee's pet goldfish, no quarterback, dime-back, [[w:Nickelback|Nickelback]], simple, ordinary, un-embellished, unmistakable, crystal clear, as frank as Frankenstein, as blunt as an atom '''''BOMB,''''' one compound word, ''it's motherfuckin', goddamn, sons-of-bitchin', fuck, fuck, fuckin' '''FOOTBALL!''''' ''[growls and slams the cartridge into Atari 2600]'' And it's one of the worst games I've ever played in my life. Are these football players, or are they stormtroopers? Are they wearing helmets, or are these microwaves on their heads? Is it Team White vs. Team Naked? Is that a crowd noise, or is it the sounds of the ocean? Is that the entire field? Yeah, it is. And it's surrounded by... water, it looks like. Yeah, it's like an island. It's Football Island. ''[chuckles]'' In other words, Hell. I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna make it... Yeah. yeah...! ''[scores a touchdown]'' '''''TOUCHDOWN!''''' ''[screams then tackles the camera]''

=== [[w:Ikari Warriors|Ikari Warriors]] ===
:'''AVGN''': Here's another game I've had a personal grudge with since I was a kid. ''[[w:Ikari Warriors|Ikari Warriors]]'' on NES. Let's pop this fucker in and I'll show you how it goes. Two guys, tugging at their crotches, march up to the title, fire their guns around at nothing, and then you pick one or two players. Well, I'm not getting anybody to play this shit with me. So, I'm going solo like usual.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': An average game of ''Ikari Warriors'' lasts about five minutes. But you're in luck, there's a code. A-B-B-A. It brings you back to life. ''[dies]'' Oop. I'm dead again. A-B-B-A. ''[dies again]'' ABBA. Get used to that, you're going to be doing that a lot. ''[dies a third time]'' A-B-B-A.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''' ''[commenting on the slow nature of the gameplay]'': It's not horrible, it's just tedious as fuck and with one player, this is gonna take all night. I need a second player.
:''[The Nerd looks over to the end of the couch, behind which is the skeleton of Kyle Justin, complete with his fedora and a guitar. He nods to the camera, then gets up and walks over to the skeleton.]''
:'''AVGN''': A-B-B-A.
:''[Kyle slowly comes back to his human life form. Once he does, he sees The Nerd and groans in disgust.]''
:'''Kyle Justin''': [groans] I guess somebody needs a favor.
:'''AVGN''': Yeah. I need your help, to beat a game.
:'''Kyle Justin''': Let me-- let me guess. A shitty game?
:'''AVGN''': Yeah, a shitty game. ''Ikari Warriors''.
:'''Kyle Justin''': Yeah, I know that game.
:'''AVGN''': Oh yeah?
:'''Kyle Justin''': Yeah, I know what you could do with that game too.
:'''AVGN''': Uh huh.
:'''Kyle Justin''': Yeah, yeah. You take the game, and you take your ass cheeks as well, and you just open them up really wide, and you grease up the game and just shove it up your ass! I'm not helping you. Besides, you never play my theme song anymore.
:'''AVGN''': Yeah, the theme song. And I thought people were getting tired of that.
:'''Kyle Justin''': You thought wrong.
:'''AVGN''': Yeah, ''[to camera]'' I know. Alright, so if we do the theme song, will you play the game with me?
:'''Kyle Justin''': Fine.
:'''AVGN''': Alright. Let's do this. Play the song. 
:''[Kyle cracks his knuckles.]''
:'''Kyle Justin''' ''(playing scales on his guitar and singing)'': Do-mi-so-mi-do...
:'''AVGN''': Play the song. ''[Kyle clears his throat]'' Play the fucking song! ''[Kyle moistens his lips while getting spittle on the Nerd, then sings the theme song as the Nerd pantomimes frustration]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Okay, ''Ikari Warriors''. You know what &quot;Ikari&quot; means?
:'''Kyle Justin''': What?
:'''AVGN''': Anger.
:'''Kyle Justin''': Do you know what &quot;Warrior&quot; means?
:'''AVGN''': &quot;Warrior&quot;? No.
:'''Kyle Justin''': Brave soldier or fighter?
:'''AVGN''': Brave soldier or fighter.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Kyle Justin''': So who is this guy? Rambo?
:'''AVGN''': Well, if that's Rambo, who's the other guy?
:'''Kyle Justin''': Arnold Schwarzenegger?
:'''AVGN''': Which movie?
:'''Kyle Justin''': ''[[w:Commando (film)|Commando]]''.
:'''AVGN''': That'd be a fucking awesome movie! John Matrix and John Rambo, together at last! Of course it'd be &quot;Rambo and Commando'&quot;. Say that three times fast.
:'''AVGN and Kyle Justin''': Rambo Commando Rambo Commando Rambo Commando!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''(Just after entering Level 2, The Nerd and Kyle come up to a point where Kyle's character has become stuck inside a rock.)''
:'''AVGN''': You're not stuck. Stop fooling around. Get outta there.
:'''Kyle Justin''': I'm trying!
:'''AVGN''':...you're really stuck. ''(Begins lobbing grenades toward the rock)''
:'''Kyle Justin''': Just kill me.
:'''AVGN''': I'm...I'm trying!
:'''Kyle Justin''': No, kill me for real.
:'''AVGN''': Wait, wait, just wait for one of these missiles to come. ''(The enemy missile hits the rock and obliterates Kyle's character.)'' Alright. We're back in business now. ''(The Nerd then sees what happens next and gets a look of shock on his face; Kyle's character still cannot move)'' Oh, shit, you respawned inside ''another'' rock!
:'''Kyle Justin''': I've had it with this fucking game! I'm gonna blow my fucking brains out! 
:''(He picks up a Zapper, puts it to his head, and pulls the trigger. He flashes on screen four times, then disappears.)''
:'''AVGN''': ''(turns to where Kyle was sitting)'' A-B-B-A!
:''(This time, Kyle comes back to life with part of his body stuck behind the couch.)''
:'''Kyle Justin''': Aw fuck!
:'''AVGN''': You're right. Having two players doesn't help much.
:'''Kyle Justin''': Get me outta this couch, you damn Nintendo dork!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Yeah, made it to Level 3. And ''finally'' it looks different! But the music's still the same. Anyway, it looks ''so'' different it's like you stepped out of the jungle and into ''[[w:The Twilight Zone (franchise)|The Twilight Zone]]''. Look at all the white chocolate bars and scrotum guns.
:'''Kyle Justin''': ''[singing]'' White chocolate bars and scrotum guns. ''[stops singing]'' Wait, I don't remember the episode with the scrotum guns, but [[w:Nightmare at 20,000 Feet|the one with the gremlin on the wing]] was pretty good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Kyle Justin''': ''[singing]'' It's the game of life.&lt;br&gt;A, B, B, A.&lt;br&gt;It will bring you back today if you want it to.
:''[The Nerd has died again and is frantically trying to punch the code in.]''
:'''AVGN''': A-B-B-A! A-B-B-A! Fuck!
:'''Kyle Justin''': ''[singing]'' It will save you today...
:'''AVGN''': It didn't save me now!
:'''Kyle Justin''': ''[singing]'' and bring you back to life...
:'''AVGN''': Apparently near the end of Level 3, A-B-B-A stops working.
:'''Kyle Justin''': ...didn't save him today...
:'''AVGN''': Okay, so here's what we're gonna do. First, we're gonna use Game Genie to get infinite lives. ''[puts the NES Game Genie with the cartridge attached into the Nintoaster]'' Then we're gonna use a stage select code; that way we can go back to Level 3 and continue our fucking game. You can find the code in the classic book ''[[w:Jeff Rovin|How to Win at Nintendo]]''. Nowcheck out this code: &quot;right before the title screen, press: up, down, A, A, B, left, right, A ,B, up, A, down, right, right, left, B, up, left, A, right, B, left, right, A, left, up, A, down, A, right, left, B, select.&quot; ''[pauses incredulously]'' '''WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!?! Why's the code have to be so fucking long?''' And according to this you have to punch in the code before the titlescreen comes up!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': (after he tries to enter the code) So, I'm faster than greased lightning now. I can pull off the whole code before the title screen comes up, but turns out the book was wrong. To ''really'' find how to do the code you check out the VHS tape, &quot;Secret Video Game Tricks, Codes, and Strategies&quot;. Yeah, I used to rent this fucker from the video store all the time. But anyway, the real way to do the code is ''during'' the title screen, not ''before'' it. Let's try again. (enters the code during the title screen)
:'''Kyle Justin''':  ''(singing)'' Up, down, A, A, B, left, right, A, B, up, A, down, right, right, left, B, up, left, A, right, B, left, right, A, left, up, A, down, A, right, left, B and start.
:'''AVGN''': So here we are, back in level 3.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Anyway, the last stage is as hard as fuck. I hate these guys that swim under water. You cant shoot them when they're submerged, and they're too fast to outrun. What are these, human beings or fucking torpedoes?
:'''Kyle Justin''': ''(singing)'' Throw milk at them, just try it, might work.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Now let's see how bad this ending sucks.
:'''Kyle Justin''': ''[singing to the tune of the AVGN theme song]''
:'''You have accomplished'''
:'''the mission.'''
:'''You are the very prevailer'''
:'''that protect right'''
:'''and justice.'''
:'''I would express my sincere.'''
:'''Thanks to you.'''
:'''Take good rest!'''
:'''General Kawasaki'''
:'''AVGN''': Get back behind the couch.
:'''Kyle Justin''': ''[still singing]'' He's the Angry Video Game Nerd.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''Kyle Justin's &quot;Scrotum Guns&quot; song, version 1''
:'''We might be past the scrotum guns&lt;br&gt;But I haven't forgot them&lt;br&gt;'Cause they are so hairless&lt;br&gt;Where did their hair go?&lt;br&gt;Ooh, where did their hair go?&lt;br&gt;Where did their hair gooo?&lt;br&gt;Where did their hair go?'''

=== [[w:Toxic Crusaders (video game)|Toxic Crusaders]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Why's there always gotta be bats?!
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': Bats, th-these aren't bats, Nerd, these are cats with wings! When-when I was a teenager at Tijuana, I-I had some pussy with wings. ''[AVGN smiles and snickers before covering his face with his hands]'' And-and-and th-that's what it's all about, man! ''[AVGN laughs offscreen]''
:'''AVGN''': Yeah. How do you like this? World 2-4, World 2-5, and we're still going. And it's a portable console! You can beat Super Mario Land at a time--
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': ''[Interrupts the Nerd]'' Wh-What are you talking about?! You want something to, uh, take a long time to beat?! Would take me a long time to beat off to Justin Beiber, man! And uh...
:'''AVGN''': ''[nods in agreement]'' Takes a long time.
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': Long! My penis is pretty damn long right now! ''[AVGN snickers offscreen]'' And I'm... I'm not even flaccid.
:'''AVGN''': Look at all the &quot;Z&quot;s on the fence. That's exactly how I feel when I play this game. ''[Lloyd Kaufman yawns as he falls asleep with the controller in his mouth]'' ...Like going to sleep. ''[AVGN glances at him and nods]'' Alright, alright, okay, okay, okay, okay!
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': ''[suddenly wakes up and hallucinates]'' Ah, where am I?! ''[whimpers as he twiddles with the SNES controller]''
:'''AVGN''': Alright.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Well, as you can see, you can tell it's another beat 'em up game. So what do you think of that chopper? Why's it have so many colors?
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': Well, uh, the chopper is made out of a tie, man. And it's tie dye. That's why it is those many colors. ''[AVGN shakes his head before he and Lloyd Kaufman struggle over the controller]'' Give me that! Give me that! I want that!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': What 'bout the music? Couldn't they have something more upbeat and action-packed? ''[volume of background music from Toxic Crusaders for Sega Gensis increases]''
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': I love it. I love it. I...It makes me want to strip, Nerd. ''[actually removes his coat along the music while AVGN quickly glances and shakes his head]'' I wanna take my clothes off.
:'''AVGN''': Okay, okay, okay!
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': Ah, I love this music.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&gt;
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': ''[having such difficulty playing]'' Fuck! Jumpin' Jesus on a... fuckin' pogo stick! Fuck! Dick! Quack! Weewee! Doodle! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuhh!
:'''AVGN''': And that's what happens when we go from the movie, to the show, to the game - it's like putting a golden egg on a mountain of shit, and then you roll it down and it gets shittier and shittier and shittier. By the time it gets to the bottom, it ain't the same. ''(to Lloyd)'' And look; that's your name on it! That's your name on this game!
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': I spit on my name! ''[makes spitting noises]''
:'''AVGN''': What you created that's great got transformed into a mutated anomaly that'd make the Pope weep. They made a mockery of your shit, man! What're you gonna do about it?!
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': What am I gonna do about it, what am I gonna do about it?! I'm gonna shit on this, I'm gonna take a huge dump, here I go, and I had baked beans for dinner! (removes the cartridge from the Nintoaster, and puts it on the floor) You want shit, you shitty fuckin' game?! Well, here it comes, here it comes! ''(drops his pants and lets loose shit as the Nerd watches in horror)'' You shitty shit game, how'd ya like that?!
:'''AVGN''': UGH, IT'S NASTY, OH, GOD, OH! ''[his stomach rumbles and he pukes on the pile of shit as Lloyd laughs insanely]''
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': Ah. That'll teach you, you fuckin' game.

=== [[w:Bill &amp; Ted's Excellent Video Game Adventure|Bill &amp; Ted's Excellent Video Game Adventure]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': What happens when you take an 80s comedy film like ''[[w:Bill &amp; Ted's Excellent Adventure|Bill &amp; Ted's Excellent Adventure]],'' and turn it into an NES game? Two guys are struggling to pass their history course, so they go back in time in a phone booth to get the aid of famous historical figures. It's dumb, but it's great entertainment, and a video game adaptation seemed like a good idea. It had fun characters, time travel, and adventure. So how could you fuck it up? You wanna know? ''[Metal rock music plays as the Nerd reveals the LJN logo.]'' ''That's'' how.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Who are these &quot;time rebels,&quot; and why do they want to do this? Well, guess what. They're never referred to again. Yeah, they're just for your imagination. ''[a thought bubble with the time rebels appear]''
:'''Blue-Haired Rebel''': Man, wouldn't it be funny if we put Thomas Edison in Ancient Egypt? ''[chuckles]''
:'''Green-Haired Rebel''': How about Galileo in the Jurassic period? ''[they both chuckle]'' We're assholes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So where is Rembrandt? You can explore this whole land, but you won't find him anywhere. That's because you need to lure him out, with bait. What is he, a fucking fish? The bait can be any random object. There's four of them hidden on each stage; one of them will make Rembrandt appear in one of the random houses. How do you find this bait? You wanna know? Guess what? By jumping into things! ''[the Nerd jumps into a tree, and falls]'' This game treats you like an idiot. Like, &quot;Hey kids, you wanna play a Bill &amp; Ted game? Well, here you go! Go jumping around into fucking bushes and fences! That'll keep you busy! Have fun!&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Fuck the townspeople, fuck not knowing where to go, I'm gonna get the power. Nintendo Power! ''[searches for a Nintendo Power magazine as he jumps and falls]'' Wasn't there. ''[jumps and falls again then finds a Nintendo Power magazine]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': The correct item is supposed to be something that would belong to this historical figure, and here is where the game could've been somewhat educational. But instead, it's a joke. For example, for Julius Caesar, you're supposed to give him salad dressing. ''[fake laugh]'' For Thomas Edison, you're supposed to give him a compact disc. Yeah. Let's not change history, by the way. For Cleopatra, a credit card. For Elvis, a gravestone. Here you go, Elvis! Here's your fucking gravestone! You're gonna die! For King Arthur, the Holy Grail. Yeah. Entire stories have been written about finding the Holy Grail; you're going to find it by casually slamming into a bush or fence. Just a little side quest. For Jesse James, an Uzi. You're going to give Jesse James a fucking Uzi? You're going to give a notorious outlaw a more contemporary weapon! Yeah, just help him out! Might as well give, I don't know, Vlad Tepes an atom bomb? Anyway, I give Rembrandt the Paint Roller, and he says, &quot;Let's party.&quot; That's exactly what he'd say. He also mentions that he'll pay for the call. &quot;Of course, here's some coins for your phone booth time machine from the future.&quot; And now, we have to go through the damn time circuits again. ''[a phone booth time machine runs into a pink skull, and The Nerd runs out of coins]'' My coins ran out. Didn't that motherfucker say he was gonna pay? ''[stage restarts]'' Aw, great! I have to roam around this fucking stage again, looking for coins? I've had enough.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': I'm losing my faith in the NES library. Was there ''any quality control here,'' you know, that-that, um, seal of quality, did that mean ''anything?!'' Did anyone look at these games before they dumped them in the back of every KB's and Toys &quot;Я&quot; Us?! How many of these games are worthless?! '''''All the LJN ones, I can tell you that,''''' but there ''are'' good games here, ''there are!'' ''Zelda,'' ''Mario,'' ''Metroid,'' ''Contra,'' ''Castlevania,'' ''Mega Man,'' '''''but then, A BIG FUCKIN' SHITSTORM HIT IT! A SHITSTORM OF HORRIBLE GAMES! And at the middle of it all, a rainbow! A rainbow of shit! LJN! And Bill and Ted...might even be...THE WORST LJN GAME ON THE NES!''''' It doesn't just have some &quot;flaws,&quot; there's no good and bad. This game is ''all bad.'' Like, I'm impressed! How did they do it? How did they make it so bad? Bad doesn't even describe it! It's disgraceful! It's ''putrid!'' In fact, I even looked up the word &quot;putrid&quot; in the dictionary. There's no definition. '''It's just a picture of ''Bill and Ted'' on NES!''' Curse this fucking game! Curse the plastic that encases this dung heap! Literally, it's a plastic shell '''''filled with shit! IT'S FUCKIN' SHIT!''''' ''It's... it's ass, it's garbage...'' And that's it, good night.
:''[walks off screen for 2 seconds, before coming back]''
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, wait, I forgot to mention as a matter of fact, it also sucks monkey fuck, and it's a worthless pitiful pile of ''snot-dripping, pus-bubbling, '''wet, steaming mountain of buffalo butt dump,''''' and mere descriptions can't even describe the '''''inane lack of common sense''''' that even a ''child'' would possess when making a game with chalk on a sidewalk. I can't even come up with a description that's foul and '''''disgusting''''' enough to even come ''close'' to this rancid abomination. Can't describe it. I'm done; For real this time.
:''[walks offscreen for 7 seconds, and returns]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[yells]'' '''''THIS GAME IS DIARRHEA COMING OUT OF AN OLD WOMAN'S BLEEDING VAGINA! IT'S FUCKIN' TERRIBLE! WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!''''' ''[angrily]'' I know; They ''weren't'' thinking.

=== [[w:Tiger Electronics|Tiger Electronic Games]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': Tiger, on the other hand, continued well into the 90s. In fact, I remember these things being more common in the 90s than ever. They kept pouring obsolete games into stores, and we were still buying them. They wouldn't die off! They were like cockroaches! By giving people a cheap alternative, they managed to coexist with the Game Boy. Yeah, this Tiger definitely rose up to the challenge of its rival, had the guts, got the glory, went the distance, now it's not going to stop! It's literally a Survivor!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Tiger games were so outdated they were never ''in''-dated! They were a fad, like Pogs! If they were an experiment in the 70's and they only made a few of them, then I could accept that. But no, they milked these things for all that they're worth! You thought LJN was the grand champion, the almighty shitty game factory? Tiger put LJN to shame! Sure, LJN laid down turd after turd after turd, but Tiger was like a machine gun ass shitting out turdturdturdturdturdturdturdturdturdturdturd! These are the worst games I've had the honor of playing, if you can even count them as video games! People have discussions like &quot;Are video games art?&quot; or something like that. Well, I have a better one: are Tiger games video games? These are a caveman's version of video games! These were a step back in human evolution! These are the most desperate attempt at entertainment! You could save up for a Game Boy, or just go ''[mimics playing a game with the sound effects]''. Yeah, well ''[mimics game sounds to motions of jerking off and flipping the bird]''! Just what the hell? How did they waste so much plastic to make these things?! It brought the game industry down as low as it could go! It's proof that Jesus died in vain and legally changed his middle name to Fucking! The only thing I could think of to use these things for is to wipe your ass with it! You might as well save that toilet paper! It's worth a whole lot more! ''[he drinks Rolling Rock]'' But I'm not done, am I? Oh, no. I've actually gotten into this point. It's time to talk about the wrist games. ''[he holds up a Tiger wrist game and groans disgustedly]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Now check this out: Batman Returns, the wrist game. Oh, boy... (The Nerd tries to open it) Wait, I can't get it open. Good. God, I hate this shit! You know... You know what's bullshit?
:''[The Bullshit Man appears as &quot;You Know What's Bullshit&quot; theme song plays and the Nerd looks in shock]''
:'''The Bullshit Man:''' '''YOU KNOW WHAT'S''' '''''BUUUUUUUUULLSHIT?!''''' ''[gives the Nerd a pair of scissors]'' Packaging that you need scissors to open! Even with the scissors, it's still a pain in the ass. Why's this plastic so fucking strong? This stuff is bulletproof. Nobody wants this shit, so why do they do it? They use it on everything! This kind of packaging should be outlawed! Why does it still exist? I especially &quot;love&quot; when you buy scissors and you need scissors to open the scissors. What fucking idiots think this is a good idea? They don't care. By the time you're having this problem, you already bought it. Packaging like this is bullshit. ''[leaves]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Thanks, Bullshit Man. ''[looks at the Tiger wrist game and sighs]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing the Batman Returns wrist game]'' Wow, look at how badass this game is. Yeah, this is the hot shit right here. You'd be so cool going around wearing this thing. Yeah, you'd be walking around school with this thing on, and everybody else is talking about what the new hot video game system is going to be. ''[scoffs]'' Nintendo 64? The Bit Wars? ''[chuckles]'' 64 bits. 32 bits. 16 bits. 8 bits. 4 bits! 2 bits! 1 BIT! HALF-BIT! QUARTER-BIT! ''[shouts hysterically]'' '''THE WRIST GAME!!!''' And you thought that was it for Tiger, huh? Handheld games, wrist games, Tiger ''(computerized voice)'' Pokémon Walkie Talkies?! Yeah! That's not enough? Well, how about '''a whole fucking Tiger game console?!''' In 1997, this was Tiger's belated answer to the Game Boy. You'd think it was called the Game-Dot-Com, but it's actually the Game.com.
:'''Game.com bootup voice''': GAME.COM ACTIVE.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': So, that's the Game.com. Needless to say, it flopped, especially with Nintendo dominating the portable gaming market. So, hey, why not just follow whatever Nintendo's doing? That mentality is what brought us what I think, so far, is the worst video game console I have ever played: the R-Zone. This is basically a shitty version of the Virtual Boy. Yes, I said that, as if the Virtual Boy wasn't shitty enough. Just look at it! What planet did this thing come from?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Just when you thought the most sorry, pathetic excuse for a video game was the Tiger wrist games, oh no. ''[points to wrist game]'' Imagine playing one of these, up close to your eye in red-and-black. ''[shot of the gameplay from the R-Zone's ''[[w:Batman Forever|Batman Forever]]'' game]'' '''GOOD LORD!''' You thought I was kidding. But it's true. This actually happened. Unlike the Virtual Boy, which causes eyestrain and headaches within minutes, this thing does it immediately!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I love how the advertisements always show a kid playing it. Look at his expression. He's horrified, and in the commercial, the kid's screaming in agony!
:'''Rodger Parsons (Pokémon Narrator):''' You better not blink.
:'''Kid''': ''[screams]''
:'''Rodger Parsons (Pokémon Narrator):''' Indy 500 roars into the R-Zone!

=== [[w:Alien 3|Alien 3]] ===

:'''AVGN''': It's the Halloween season again, and I can't miss the occasion to celebrate by torturing myself with another assanine game! Alien³ on NES, based on the movie. The first movie, Alien, was like a slasher film set in outer space; the second movie, Aliens, brought the action genre into the mix and gave it a wider mass appeal. It made a huge impact on not only film, but video games. The concept of shooting down hostile aliens, fighting for survival, was perfect for video game adaptations. It's no wonder why so many games like Contra and Metroid were influenced by the Alien movies' art style and their feelings of solitude, confinement and claustrophobia. Can you even count how many games blatantly ripped these movies off? The first two Alien movies were masterpieces, but the one we got on NES was the bastard sequel, the unholy 3 that had mixed reactions: some people like it, some people don't. It's not a terrible movie, but it's not great either. But, you know, I'm not gonna get all into right now. Monster Madness. So let's take a look at the game. Is this good enough for Halloween? I mean Alien³ is a horror movie. Is this scary enough? (He notices the LJN logo on the cartridge. The lights dim to a flickering red as the film's signature Nostromo self-destruct sirens blare.) Okay, now it just got fuckin' scary!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Quality ass? QUALITY ASS? That sums up the whole thing. There is no quality assurance with this shitload of fuck. This game is as much fun as a witch's cunt. It's a shame that there was never a good Alien game on NES. Oh, wait. Actually, I take it back. There were some good Alien games on NES. They're called Contra and Metroid! Yeah. You know, it's not the worst LJN game, I have to say, nor is it even that bad of an NES game. It's playable, as much as the movie is watchable. Huh. Maybe that's what they were going for. In that sense, they got it right. It may not be a pile of goat puke-smothered buffalo diarrhea, it's just a pile of goat puke; hold the buffalo diarrhea. I don't even know if buffaloes get diarrhea. But it pains me to know that there's still more LJN games out there, and I just can't take it. I can't fuckin' take it anymore! (He leaves. Cut to the ending scene where he jumps off the platform and falls into the lava pits below. He cries out in agony as the Cinemassacre logo bursts through his chest.)

=== AVGN Games ===
:'''The Nerd:''' You know, there's been many games based on the ''Angry Video Game Nerd.'' Which is me. Yeah. All these years, while I've been busy playing shitty games, people have been making games about myself. There's been so many games about me, I can't even keep up. Unlike the majority of games I've ripped apart, these ones were made by independent game developers, usually single-handedly, all by themselves, and hopefully they will have growing careers and aspire to make better games than a whole company of Laughin' Jokin' Numbnuts ever could. ''[referring to LJN.]'' Another thing that makes these games different from the games I usually play, is that I have to play them on a computer. ''[The Nerd looks at the Commodore 64.]'' Hmm. ''[shrugs his shoulders.]'' Well, anyway, the first AVGN game I'm gonna look at is: ''The Angry Video Game'' by Eric Ruth. This was the first AVGN game that ever came to my attention back in 2008. You might be wondering: what took me so long to get around to it? Well, the answer is simple: That's how long it took to load it on my Commodore 64!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''8-Bit Nerd:''' ''[a tombstone appears where the 8-Bit Nerd died, with only the word '''&quot;FUCK&quot;''' on it.]'' I'm dead! Fuck!
:'''The Nerd:''' Is that going to be my epitaph? ''[camera zooms in on tombstone]'' '''''&quot;FUCK&quot;?''''' 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' The weapon is the worst thing of all. The beers fly in an arc, so, you have to get in the right spot to calculate the trajectory, and everything blocks your aim. Fuck, fuck! I can't hit this fuckin' fish! '''''Fuck! Dah!''''' These beers are like the rock in ''Friday the 13th,'' and I already told you how bad that is. ''[his eyes widen in horror, as he looks at the screen]'' Oh, no. Is that why the game was designed this way? All the random enemies and all those things, it's because those are the kind of things I complained about. '''''This game is all my fault.''''' ''[groans in disgust]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' It takes a lot of extra effort to put a game on a real cartridge, so how could you resist ''AVGN vs. Dr. Wily'' by ABOhiccups? 
:''[the screen scrolls up along a skyscraper, exactly the same as in Mega Man 2's opening.]''
:'''The Nerd''': It's gonna be me, isn't it? It's gonna be me. ''[a sprite of The Nerd is on the top of the skyscraper, instead of Mega Man.]'' Yeah, that's me!
:'''The Nerd''': So basically, it's ''Mega Man 2,'' but instead of Mega Man, it's me. I'm in ''Mega Man 2,'' one of the best games ever made, and I'm ''in'' it! If I could've foreseen that as a kid, I would have shit my pants. The other difference is that the levels are redesigned to be way harder than the original game.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': After the tutorial, you get a selection of stages. Clearly, it's the largest AVGN game yet. I'm using an Xbox controller, and the controls feel 100% fluent. There is no doubt about it: this is a legitimate sidescroller; proving that the genre is still alive and strong. We don't even need to go back to the past, we're still in the past. And why is the music so ''fuckin' awesome?''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': The death screen always generates a random quote, saves me the work of trying to come up with something. Let's try ''Dungeons &amp; Dickholes.'' ''[in-game Nerd descends a ladder, and the next screen scrolls down to reveal an impossible death trap, shocking The Nerd]'' '''''Now''''' this is going too far. When I came up with this idea during my Super Pitfall episode, I didn't know somebody would actually create this exaggerated death trap. I can't even blame anyone but myself. ''I'' came up with this! What was I ''thinking?!''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': And at the heart of it all, the final boss, my arch-nemesis. It's, '''''it's'''''...Fred Fuchs. ''[spelled &quot;Fred Fucks&quot; in-game.]'' It's the programmer, motherfucking Fred Fuchs. Finally, I get to kick his ass! Yeah, fuck you, Fred Fuchs! ''[growls]'' '''''FUCKS YOU, FRED FUCH!''''' ''[screams, and beats Fred Fuchs as he grunts]'' Got 'im! ''[in-game Nerd's text says, &quot;Oh shit, Game Land is falling apart!!&quot;]''
:'''The Nerd''': Whew! I feel like I played every bad game I ever played, all at once. And now others are playing it, because of me! It's like I shared all my horrible experiences. It's all my fault! '''''FUCK THIS GAME!'''''
:''[he Nerd imagines the many ways he's destroyed previous game cartridges. He moves in to strangle the Commodore 64, but stops once he realizes he can't destroy the game like that. Instead, the Nerd types a delete command and deletes the game once and for all, with a heavy, satisfying mash of the Enter key as the Commodore's screen reads: '''*FILE DELETED*.''']''
:'''The Nerd''': Take '''''that,''''' game.

=== AVGN Wish List (Part 1) ===

:'''AVGN''': ''(on Where's Waldo)'' It's as if the pages of the book have been chewed up, digested, and shat out an 8-bit ass! How can you find Waldo in ''this?!'' WHERE THE FUCK ''IS'' WALDO?! ''He'' doesn't even know where he is!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%:&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(after he plays the NES version of Where's Waldo)'' Imagine buying this piece of shit for 50 bucks. Nowadays, releasing a game this short would never be excusable. Well, anyway, we have a lot more games to get through, so stay tuned for Part 2. I'm gonna go get the games. ''[he walks around in different directions like Waldo in the cutscenes]''

=== AVGN Wish List (Part 2) ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''The Three Stooges.'' This has always been a huge request. I've dreaded this moment for a long time. ''[powers on the game, which displays the title screen for Ghostbusters II]'' What? ''Ghostbusters II?''
:''[The Three Stooges walk onto the title screen, and stop in front of the Ghostbusters logo]''
:'''Curly''': Hey, fellas. We're in the wrong game.
:'''Larry''': Hey, this looks like a kid's game.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[smiling]'' Now, ''that's'' funny.
:'''Moe''': You imbeciles!
:'''The Nerd''': I've always been a big fan of ''The Three Stooges,'' but the game's charm ends right after the title screen.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': [reviews ''[[w:Home Improvement: Power Tool Pursuit!|Home Improvement]]''] How do you take a family sitcom and turn it into a video game? Well, the plot starts out with Tim &quot;The Toolman&quot; Taylor on the set of his show, Tool Time. Remember the show within the show? So, his tools go missing, and he has to go onto the sets of other shows to find them.
:'''The Nerd''': I'd give this game a better chance if I could read the instructions. The instructions might help, right? Yeah, guess what, there is none. Technically not. The manual opens up to a fake sticker printed over the pages that says &quot;'''REAL MEN DON'T NEED INSTRUCTIONS'''&quot;! Very funny.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing [[w:Pit-Fighter|Pit Fighter]] on SNES]'' As a kid, I never made it past the second guy. Even as a rental, it only made for about fifteen minutes of play-ability, if that, before ya turn it off and take it back to the video store. And I know it ''has'' to give you your health back at some point, but I've just made it to the fourth opponent, and still, they don't give you any health back. ''This is the worst Super NES game I've ever played!'' Worse than [[w:Super 3D Noah's Ark|Super Noah's Ark 3D]], worse than [[w:Shaq-Fu|Shaq-Fu]], worse than [[w:The Wizard of Oz (1993 video game)|Wizard of Oz]], worse than [[w:Lester the Unlikely|Lester the Unlikely]]! I am dead fucking serious! Even B-mode [[w:Double Dragon|Double Dragon]] was better than this, and that was on NES. Sure, it gets monotonous, and awkward at times, and you can only play as the same characters fighting themselves, but, it has much more fluid control and is ''way'' more fun than Pit Fighter.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[after he plays [[w:Bubsy 3D|Bubsy 3D: Furbitten Planet]] for the PlayStation]'' Most of the games I own are junk. I'm hoarding junk! '''''I SURROUNDED MYSELF WITH FUCKING GARBAGE!''''' ''[sighs]'' All right, one more game, and then it's Happy Holidays and good fucking night. Let's end with ''[[w:Spider-Man and Venom: Maximum Carnage|Spider-Man: Maximum Carnage]],'' on Super Nintendo. Everyone says I should play this one, as if I haven't already played ''enough'' Spider-Man games. They're all '''''terrible!''''' But, maybe this one's okay. After all, I'm not sure how I missed it, because it's one of the only Super NES games that's red. Anyway, let's give it a try.
:'''The Nerd''': Well, the comic book cutscenes are, quite nice. The gameplay? Well, it's a beat-em-up game. Monotonous, but fun. The controls are responsive, and the hit detection works fine. The sound effects are good, the punches and grunts you hear all lend themselves to the fun, stress-relieving nature of these kind of games. It just feels good when you hit things. You can climb up on buildings, which offers some variety and breaks up the monotony. It can be a little frustrating, but not too bad. And the music is upbeat and energizing.
:'''The Nerd''': And what do I hear? ''[&quot;The Mob Rules&quot; by Black Sabbath plays]'' It's ''The Mob Rules,'' by Black Sabbath! I don't mean it just sounds similar, it's the '''''same song,''''' just a 16-bit rendition. It even does the solo! ''[16-bit rendition of Black Sabbath's &quot;The Mob Rules&quot; solo playing]'' I think it was just a rip-off, and that they never got Black Sabbath's permission, but it's still welcome to hear and adds to this games' enjoy-ability.
:'''The Nerd''': That's right. I found a good Spider-Man game. Better late than never. It's no masterpiece or anything like that, but it would have definitely been worth a rental at the very least. Who made this game?
:''[The Nerd turns over the box, revealing that is was published by...'''LJN!''' The Nerd's eyes widen in shock, and he drops the box in happiness realizing that LJN pulled through and published a decent game for once!]''
:''[&quot;White Storm Dam&quot; plays]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[in shock and happiness]'' My God. Oh, my God. '''''THEY DID IT... THEY PULLED THROUGH!'' OH, MY ''GOD!'' THEY MADE A GAME... ''THAT'S NOT A STEAMING PILE OF FUCKIN' SHIT!'' OH, MY ''GOD!'' THEY DID IT! THEY MADE A GAME THAT'S NOT SHIT!''' I found a gold, at the end of the rainbow-- Oh, maybe it's not gold, maybe it's bronze or somethin', but... '''''THEY MADE A GAME THAT'S NOT SHIT! IT'S NOOOT SHIIIIIT!'''''

== Season Eight ==
=== [[w:Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing|Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing]] ===
:'''AVGN''': This time, we're not gonna go too far back into the past. Only to 2003 with a PC game called ''[[w:Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing|Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing]]''. I usually stick to consoles, and I ''don't'' usually do games from the current millennium, but this is a huge request. I've been told countless times that it's one of the worst, if not ''the worst game'' ever made, but I'm sure that's an exaggeration. It just looks like a generic mediocre racing game with trucks. And it's from the new millennium, well after the pioneering days of gaming, after the ETs and Jekyll and Hydes, after the advent of quality control, so how bad could it be? Let's find out. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''[upon first experiencing the games lack of collision detection and physics]'' Soooo...what are the complaints here? This is ''awesome!''
:'''AVGN:''' &quot;Big Rigs: Over The Road Racing&quot;. &quot;Over the road&quot; is right! It's my way or the highway, and the highway ain't got shit. Oh my god...

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I'm not trying to find glitches! It just so happens that the ''whole game'' is a glitch! Look at this picture here; the hill turned into nothing, the tail lights are flying off the truck and this bridge is hovering over thin air! The support beams are ''so'' close to touching the ground, but don't. ''(His truck is pushed up through a bridge and he sees his opponent standing still)'' The fuck was that? Oh, by the way, that's the computer opponent who's still at the start line. Never moved. I'm literally running circles around him. Y'know, I kinda forgot I was in a race here. That ''is'' the purpose of the game. It doesn't matter which stage you're playing. The opponent always stalls at the start line and never moves an inch. You can spend the whole time driving through buildings, over mountains, and under bridges, and still win the race. What kind of challenge is that? Have you ever heard of a video game where you can't lose? How did the programmers ''forget to make the trucks move?'' Let's see if I can merge the trucks into one. (He tries to line his truck up with the opponent) Here we go. Eh, eh... ''(He succeeds)'' Yeah! That's some fine work. ''(He drives off and makes a whoosh sound)'' 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': This is the most unstable game I've ever played in my life. And would you believe, that the copy I own is ''a more recent'' version of the game? Yeah. The version that most people have played is commonly found on the internet, and is even ''less'' functional! In this version, one of the stages doesn't even work. If you try to pick this stage, it crashes the whole game. Not that it's any loss. It looks the same as any other stage. The truck you're racing against doesn't do anything different. It still sits there, waits for you to lap it and cross the finish line. Here we go. ''(He crosses the finish line, and the game text reads: &quot;YOU'RE WINNER!&quot; He looks at it in shock and snorts, and begins snickering.)'' Oh, no. No. ''(laughing uneasily)'' Oh, no! No! ''(continues laughing)'' &quot;You're Winner&quot; is the kind of stuff that turns horrible games into legend. It's the cherry on top the diarrhea shake. It's already been a popular internet meme for many years, but in the packaged version of the game that I own, it's been corrected to &quot;You win.&quot; Disappointing, I know.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': But there's at least one other version of this game, a newer one - version 3 as far as my knowledge goes - but anyway this one has a major advancement. ''Really'' big. Check this out; the other truck moves. Wow. No fuck. It's like we're actually having a race here. I'm gonna let him win just to see what happens. I hope it says &quot;You're a lose&quot; or something like that. Here we go. ''[Crosses the finish line, &quot;You win&quot; screen pops up. The Nerd looks in confusion]'' What happened?! How did I win?! Apparently, the other truck driver just decided to stop a little short. In other words; you can't lose! Why did they bother to release a new version if they didn't even fix the most basic thing?! But hey, the truck moves! So maybe this improvement pushes the game into the... pre-alpha stage. At best!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': These monumental blunders distract from all the regular flaws which would already be enough to fill any shitty game; most of the stages look similar, there's little variety, there are no sound effects other than the engine of the truck, the tail lights are fixated on the back of the trailer doors and they look like someone made them in Photoshop with a basic brush tool! Want me to prove it? ''[Creates tail lights exactly like the ones in Big Rigs in Photoshop]'' There you go. The street is always breaking up like the Glitch Gremlin paved over it, certain light posts are given strange colours that stick out from the rest of the game, the [[w:Arc de Triomphe|Arc de Triomphe]] appears twice in a row in a geographically inaccurate area, the trucks are referred to as &quot;cars&quot;, the &quot;Ultranav&quot; points you get from crossing checkpoints don't always go in order - what the fuck is &quot;Ultranav&quot; anyway? The timer goes outside the box and on top of all that the box that the game comes in is a '''complete lie'''! Never do the police chase after you. Maybe if that was just the front artwork, that would be excusable, but the back says, &quot;You'll be hauling loads and trying to stay one step ahead of the law.&quot; &quot;Deliver your load to its destination.&quot;

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:'''AVGN''': What are they talking about? That never happens! Oh, no, no, I stand corrected. This game &quot;delivers a load&quot; all right - '''load of fucking shit'''! I'll deliver a load '''all over this fucking game'''! It's not even a game. It doesn't count as a game. If it were a game, you could lose. But you can't! It's nothing but win! &quot;You're winner!&quot; It's like the game feels sorry for you! [He drinks Rolling Rock]

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:'''AVGN''': This is not even ''close'' to a finished game - if you can call it a game. It's the '''worst game ever made'''! And I've played a lot, what is this, episode 118? So that is a big statement, but I'm '''DEAD FUCKING SERIOUS'''. It isn't as frustrating as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, no no, it's not as bad of an experience as that, but in terms of functionality, this is an all time low.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': You can't release something that's not finished! Who looked at this? I mean, who looked at THIS and thought, &quot;Yeah, that's OK. Put that out.&quot;? There's credits, which suggest that actual human beings were behind this. More than one. What were they thinking? Why would anyone want their name on this thing, and did any single one of them look at this and think &quot;Maybe there's still some work left to do?&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': By the year 2003, wouldn't there have been some kind of quality control? Even the worst games from the 70's had some playability. I would have assumed that Big Rigs was just some test game. Some kind of demo that a college student made, not an actual game that got sold in stores. It-it couldn't have been sold in stores. But, apparently, it did. This is the box. It came in a box! And it was rated by the ESRB! Someone from the ESRB looked at this game and gave it a rating! I know it's not their job to judge the quality of the game, but somebody looked at this and thought &quot;Wow. This is '''shit'''. But, E.&quot; Imagine buying this game, thinking it's gonna be a cool racing game, then you bring it home and play it and you get this. It's like a cruel prank. They should've recalled this game and gave out refunds. Imagine advertising this sort of thing. Imagine putting a commercial on TV for this shitload of fuck. I wonder what it would've been like. Hmm. (He imagines a TV commercial for &quot;Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing.&quot;)

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Mock advertisement, featuring gameplay footage, over the top production and a heavily tattooed James Rolfe wearing sunglasses, acting as a trucker]''
:'''Trucker''': Hey, kids! Strap yourself in for some action packed racing!
:'''Voice over''': It's Big Rigs!
:'''Trucker''': Eighteen wheels of thunder, and we've got '''trucks'''! Yeah... trucks!
:'''Voice over''': Big Rigs!
:'''Trucker''': Off-road traction! More power for non-stop driving action!
:'''Voice over''': Big Rigs!
:'''Trucker''': Over the Road Racing! Under the road, over the road, who knows?
:'''Voice over''': Big Rigs!
:'''Trucker''': Never lose a race again, You're always winner!
:'''Voice over''': With '''Big Rigs'''!
:'''Trucker''': Engines equipped with quantum phasing molecular mechanics to pass through solid objects so as to not interrupt the racing experience! '''Nothing''' stands in your way!
:'''Voice over''': When you're '''Big Rigs'''!
:'''Trucker''': Rear spinning tires with warp-drive velocity for interdimensional exploring! Leave the game behind and exceed the boundaries of existence!
:'''Voice over''': '''Big motherFUCKin' Riiiiiiggs'''!
:'''Trucker''': Drivin' around in fuckin' trucks!
:'''Voice over''': '''BIIIIIIIIG MOOTHHHERRRRRFUCCCCKIN' RIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGS'''!!! Big Rigs.

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:'''AVGN''': Well, there's one last thing left to find out. How fast can you go in reverse? Let's push the limits. (He drives in reverse, gaining speed quickly) The truck's fucking the ground. (The Nerd feels like he's traveling the speed of light, and the truck's engine noise becomes high pitched. He covers his ears) That noise! That noise, how high can it go?! [[Spaceballs|Light speed! Ludicrous speed! We've gone to plaid.]] (Screams wildly) '''''I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! WE GOTTA STOP!''''' (Releases the reverse key as the chair flies back, crashes into the video room) Oh, shit, oh, shit, oh, shit!

=== [[w:Penn &amp; Teller's Smoke and Mirrors|Desert Bus]] ===

:'''The Nerd''': The manual (and yes, there is a manual) says &quot;No, it's not an oversight. Does your life have a pause control?&quot;
:''[The Nerd chuckles weakly, groans angrily and is about to drink a Rolling Rock, but puts it aside]''
:'''The Nerd''': I'm drivin'. ''(hangs an air freshener on the camera)''

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[using a clamp to hold down the A button, just like in The Terminator (NES) episode]'' How do you like ''that'' trick, Penn &amp; Teller? If you can't beat the game, let the game beat itself.
:''[The Nerd walks away, and the bus is still driving, gradually veering off the right side of the road. The Nerd returns and sees what is going on]''
:'''The Nerd''': What, what? The fuck?! ''[grunts and tries to continue driving the bus, but is unable to]'' It's stuck! The bus is stuck in the sand. ''[The Nerd looks at the screen at in disbelief and takes a deep sigh.]'' They made the bus veer to the right on purpose. ''[groans]'' They thought of everything. God damn you, Penn and Teller! 

=== [[w:E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (video game)|E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''E.T.'' on Atari 2600. To begin with, it's not a game you just pick up and play. Most games this generation were very simple. Shoot a bunch of aliens, climb to the top of the screen, stop missiles or chomp down all the pellets, but E.T. is an enigma. With all these random symbols appearing at the top of the screen and falling in holes all the time, it's no wonder why gamers did not understand how to play this game. You have to read the instruction manual. So, once you understand how to play the game... '''IT ''STILL'' FUCKIN' SUCKS!'''

=== [[w:Beetlejuice (video game)|Beetlejuice]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': You know, what I'd rather do is trap a bunch of beetles in a jar, smush 'em with a lemon squeezer, and drain their juice into a shot glass. And no, I didn't say anything about drinking it.

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:'''The Nerd''': I think the game has more to do with the star than the movie; I mean the star in the sky, the real Betelgeuse. It's a red super-giant that's going to explode one day. Does that not accurately describe the feeling you get from playing this piece of shit? This particular star is always pulsating; it's so inconsistent that it's sometimes called the ninth brightest star in the sky, but usually the tenth. These fluctuations in inconsistencies are exactly what they were going for with the unpredictable nature of this game. When you're flying all over the place like a spring-loaded turd in a pinball machine, that's just like the star itself, how it's been speculated to have changed course at one time or another, possibly because a nearby stellar explosion, or in this case, a fuckin' bug. I mean, here we have a game where what exists outside the edge in the screen could take effect or not; the absence of visibility will result in death, whereas the existence of something harmful but not visible will still be in effect! Is it any coincidence that a game with no definable boundaries would have such a distinct relation to a star with optical emissions that vary, making it hard to define the photosphere? Or what about how the star is surrounded by a circumstellar envelope made up of matter that's been ejected from the star, kinda like a mass of bees coming out of a beehive, and making an outer field around the hive? Betelgeuse is part of the constellation of Orion. That's what the ancient Greeks viewed it as but of course today we all know that's actually a skeleton shooting a fireball. Why would Betelgeuse be on the shoulder? Well, quite simply, anyone who's played this game as a kid has a chip on their shoulder whenever you bring up the name! And at last the game was released in May. That's the same month when Betelgeuse can be seen over the western horizon after sunset for only a brief period of time. Likewise, it was Western US gamers who played this right after sunset when their homework was done, and it was only for a brief period before they threw it to the ground, beneath the horizon. So yes, I'm convinced the game was based on the star, and not the movie... or you could just say they fucked it up, and took too much liberty with the source material. 

== The Twelve Days of Shitsmas ==

=== 1. [[w:Colorful Dragon|Tagin' Dragon]] ===
:'''AVGN''': Well, it's Christmas time, again, already, and that means... more shitty games for me. And I have a pretty big pile here, thanks to all you. All requests, a despicable dozen, and we are going to savor these juicy turds one day at a time. Because this is the 8th Christmas since I first started doing these Christmas specials, so we're going to do something a little different, a little excessive. 12 Days...of Shitsmas.

=== 2. [[w:ALF (video game)|ALF]] ===
:'''AVGN''': [After he opens a present] Oh no, it's ''[[w:ALF (video game)|ALF]]'' on the Sega Master System. Of course, it's based on the TV sitcom from the '80s. I used to love that show, just for the fact that the star character was a puppet. Ah yes, the loveable Alien Life Form &quot;ALF&quot; or Gordon Shumway who crash lands on Earth and lives with the Tanner family, not the Tanners from Full House. The goal is to collect special items to get his spaceship working so he can leave Earth and go home, along the way, having to avoid FBI agents who are out to get him. This is all strangely reminiscent of E.T. on Atari 2600. (Zoom in on an FBI agent) These guys are creepy, they look like pedophiles, perverts, child molesters. The way they're dressed in stereotypical trenchcoats and grabbing at the air, as if saying &quot;Come on ALF, I got some candy. I don't wanna hurt you, I just wanna... grope your little alien ass.&quot; (The FBI agent follows ALF into the kitchen) GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN YOU FUCKING SICKO!

=== 3. CrazyBus ===

:'''AVGN''': There's no goal unless you can see how high you can rack up the score. In other words, how long can you hold the D-Pad for! You like that game? You don't even need the game, just the controller and a timer! It would be more fun to stare at the wall! I have a whole new appreciation for Desert Bus! Big Rigs is more exciting than this shit! This broke the shit scale. This is a whole new higher level. First there's poop, then there's shit and then there's...DEFACATION!!

=== 4. [[w:The Ren &amp; Stimpy Show: Fire Dogs|Ren and Stimpy: Fire Dogs]] ===

=== 5. [[w:The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle and Friends (video game)|Rocky and Bullwinkle]] ===
:'''AVGN''': '''''EAT THIS, BITCH! YOU DON'T WANNA FUCK WITH A MOOSE THROWING BOMBS!'''''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Well there you have it, Rocky and Bullwinkle. Shitty game, shitty graphics, shitty music, shitty everything! Fucking big, clumsy moose! Bullwinkle, (Does a Bullwinkle impression) I'm Bullwinkle! '''MORE LIKE BULL FUCKING SHIT!'''

=== 6. [[w:List of Mary-Kate and Ashley video games|Mary-Kate and Ashley: Get A Clue]] ===

=== 7. [[w:V.I.P. (TV series)|V.I.P with Pamela Anderson]] ===
:'''AVGN''': This is a scumbag's idea of a game. &quot;Let's get some slutty girls and give 'em guns, huh huh!&quot;

=== 8. [[w:Lethal Weapon (video game)|Lethal Weapon]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Let me give you some advice. Never play a movie based game. You know why? Okay, okay. They FUCK you with the movie games! They FUCK you, they FUCK you! They know that you're going to buy the game and by the time you play the game and realize that you got fucked, it's too late. They don't care! And after fucking you, they fuck you some more. Who got fucked? The ones who bought the game. The ones who rented it were the lucky ones. They fuck you with the graphics, fuck you with the music, fuck you with the gameplay, they FUCK you, they FUCK you, they FUCK you! Walk off screen to select the character. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard of. That would be if I just walked off screen right now and somebody else came in.
:''[AVGN leaves the room and Mike Matei comes in the room to take his place]''
:'''Mike Matei''': I'm getting too old for this shit. ''[starts playing]''

=== 9. [[w:Porky's|Porky's]] ===

:'''AVGN''': What an experience Pee-Wee had. Can you imagine the story he has to tell? &quot;I was walking down the street. Narrowly avoiding a speedboat, a submarine on wheels, a parade of naked Dr. Seuss characters, a rabbit pig and dudes in cars. I fell down into a pond where I swung around on a pole and build a ladder up into a girls locker room shower with this weird blobby ghost tried to grab my dick. I DROPPED A BUNCH OF PYRO EQUIPMENT DOWN THE SAME HOLE THAT LEADS TO THE POND BUT SOMEHOW ENDED UP ON TOP A BUNCH OF SCAFFOLDING WHERE I WENT UP AND FINISHED IT ALL UP WITH A '''BOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!'''&quot; And that's why you gotta love Atari.

=== 10. [[w:HyperScan|HyperScan]] ===

:'''The Nerd: '''And yes, he just turned into a cheeseburger.

=== 11. [[w:Universal Studios Theme Parks Adventure|Universal Studios Theme Parks Adventure]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Universal Theme Park Adventure on Gamecube. A game based on a theme park, that was based on movies by Universal Studios, the giant movie making machine that made some of the greatest films of all time. From the classic monster movies of the 30's and 40's to the Spielberg masterpieces like Jaws, E.T. and Jurassic Park. Over the years, Universal Studios has celebrated its movie legacy by slowly converting its Hollywood studio location into a big amusement park for the public and destroying film history. You know the opera house set from the classic Phantom of the Opera that stood on Stage 28 for 90 years? Destroyed. The oldest surviving movie set in history gone over night to make way for a Harry Potter ride. But hey, Universal Theme Park was still a lot of fun. You know in the Back to the Future DeLorean and then there's volcanos and shit and then you're riding the bike with E.T. and then the...the truck comes and almost hit you and then you're on the waterfall and...then the T-Rex comes out and then...and then fucking Jaws is jumping out of the water and King Kong shaking the tram and then there's earthquakes and then there's those other movies that you don't even know what the fuck they are, nobody cares! It was awesome! By the 90's, this whole theme park idea was so huge, they opened up a new one in Florida. This is when Nintendo helped advertised it in the movie, The Wizard and then in 2001, Nintendo start promoting it again with this game (the Nerd inserts the disk into the Gamecube and turns the Gamecube on) which I think, sounds awesome. What a great idea to take all these movies and put them into one using the theme park as a way to tie them altogether and on a new advanced console. How could you go wrong?

:'''AVGN''': Well, only one present left. [Looks at the left present] Wanna take a peek? Yeah, let's take a peek. [Picks the last present then reveals the LJN logo as he feels shocked.] '''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!'''

=== 12. [[w:LJN Video Art|LJN Video Art System]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': It can't be! (Opens a present then reveals ''[[w:LJN Video Art|LJN Video Art]]'') LJN made a video game console. It's already bad enough they already monopolized the genre of shitty disfunctional video games, but now, to make a whole fucking console. The biggest turd LJN ever shat. Let's take a look.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Ooh, no, oh, no, oh, NO! Oh, I hate these. These things come from Hell! These are the devil's pitchforks that you have to screw on the back of your TV!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
''[Upon turning on the video game system, the game just blares static]''
:'''The Nerd''': Well, you have to admit, this sure has a killer soundtrack. Yeah, next time you're having a conversation about best video game soundtracks; Mega Man, Castlevania, no, tell them about LJN Video Art. I can see it right now like, &quot;Uh, how does that one go? I don't remember that.&quot; &quot;Oh, it goes like: ''[imitates static sounds]''&quot;
:'''The Nerd''': The game has no sound... This is a unique specimen, not because it doesn't have sound, but because it outputs white noise, so technically, it does have sound, but it's fucking static! This kind of shit is the reason the Mute button was invented. Yeah, so turn the sound off, put on some Witchfinder General, and while you're at it, put on a different fucking game!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So, this concludes this marathon of crap, 12 shitty relics from the ass of the past. Hope you enjoyed it. Enjoyed in a strange way, I guess. You know, why do we focus on the bad memories? Why are we sentimental over the crappy past? I don't know, but I do know that the things of yesterday that were worthless, you all found some way to give them worth. You've done this, I've done this, we've all found ways to just make the best of things I guess. Maybe you're having a good holiday season, or a bad one, or an indifferent one, whatever the case I just want to bring you some joy. I hope you got a laugh, or even just a chuckle, uh, because it's that time of year, where everybody... make happy. Be a comedian. With all sincerity, have a Merry Christmas, happy holidays in general, and I'll see ya in 2015. Get ready for those [[Back to the Future Part II|self-lacing shoes, hoverboards and flying cars!]]

== Season Nine ==

=== [[w:Hong Kong 97 (video game)|Hong Kong 97]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': I've been called upon to take care of business once again. Apparently, there was a game worse than [[w:Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing|Big Rigs]]. Worse than [[w:Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (video game)|Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde]]. Worse than ''CrazyBus'' or ''Desert Bus!'' It was known as Hong Kong 97, and I've been getting requests for it up the ass. The requests are so far up the ass, it's time to shit 'em out! The game was made for the Super Famicom in Japan. But never saw its way to the rest of the world. This is one title that we definitely didn't get on the [[w:Super Nintendo Entertainment System|Super Nintendo]]. It was made by HappySoft. HappySoft was most famous for making... Hong Kong 97, their one and only &quot;masterpiece.&quot; (scene switches to an animated scene of HappySoft, rising from a fiery pit, shitting out Hong Kong 97) On this one occasion, they rose from the depths of Hell, excreted this unholy turd onto the Earth, and then descended back to where they came. (scene cuts back to real life) Supposedly, the game was so horrible, it barely even came on the Super Famicom at all. Stores rejected it and its release status is a mystery. It's so rare that to this day, not a single cartridge or physical copy has shown up at all. I can't even find a picture of one. So the only way I can experience this game... is the same way as the rest of the Internet.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': [upon seeing the word &quot;fuckin'&quot; in the game's intro story] This can't be real. No. No. Somebody's pulling my leg! &quot;A herd of fucking ugly reds&quot;? Was 'a herd of ugly reds' too weak? Did they really need the F word to FUCKIN' drive home the FUCKIN' point? 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': One hit, and the game's over. Why would I expect anything more? ''[Sees the game over screen, a picture of what appears to be a real corpse, accompanied by the text &quot;Chin IS DEAD!!&quot;]'' No... oh, please! I hope that's not a real dead body. No, there's no way they'd have such bad taste! That's gotta be an actor. Or... we're looking at some guy who died on that date and time in 1992. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': The strange thing is that Deng Xiaoping actually died in 1997. The game...predicted the future. In fact, 1997 was the year the United Kingdom returned the rule of Hong Kong back to China. The movie, from '94, forecast this in the tagline: &quot;99 years of British rule are about to come to an end. Hong Kong will never be the same.&quot; The movie stars Robert Patrick, the T-1000 from Terminator 2: Judgment Day, and Judgment Day takes place...in 1997. Part of Deng Xiaoping's ear is sort of cut off, like when Mike Tyson bit off a piece of Evander Holyfield's ear in 1997. The car, I'm willing to bet, is a Mercedes-Benz, in which Princess Diana died in '97. And what was the year Coca-Cola launched Surge? '97. And it's no coincidence all my surge protectors were made in China. Rebooting the entire game after you die? Just like Symphony of the Night. '97. Jackie Chan, uh, Rumble in the Bronx, uh, the Bronx, New York City, the Big Apple... [gasps] The year Steve Jobs returned to Apple in '97. The unstoppable, unrelenting song is called I love Beijing Tiananmen, also known as I love Peking Tiananmen. Peking Duck is a famous duck dish from Beijing. [gasps] And Scrooge McDuck had his 50th Anniversary in '97! The game was such a titanic failure. [gasps] Titanic, the movie from '97! Why was this game's sole purpose to direct us to the number 97? Huh. Like the NGC-97 galaxy in the constellation of Andromeda, the princess Andromeda who was chained naked to a rock to be sacrificed to a monster. Like Princess Leia and Jabba in Return of the Jedi. [gasps] The Special Edition of Star Wars in '97! Ah, fuck, we're back again. Man, I'm just trying to get a final answer here, but I went full circle. Like the song that keeps looping. A game that keeps repeating. Maybe it's all about a cycle. An endless cycle. Old, shitty games that become new again. The past becomes the future, birth and death, on and on, it's the cycle of life. The game is the meaning of life! And the thing that keeps life going; Reproduction...and food...which becomes shit. The game is fuckin' shit. There.

=== [[w:Darkwing Duck (TurboGrafx-16)|Darkwing Duck]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''[searching for a game to review that would supposedly give enough material]'' I got it, ''[[w:Mad Max (1990 video game)|Mad Max]]''! It was made by [[w:Mindscape|Mindscape]], proving that not '''''EVERY''''' NES movie-based game was made by LJN. See - LJN was like a cat, and the NES library was its litter box. When the litter box gets too shitty... the cat shits somewhere else. '''''Now''''' I'm on track.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[reviewing the aforementioned game]''  Well, ya drive around, ya run around shootin' people, ya drive, shoot, drive, shoot, buy stuff, drive and shoot. I '''''wish''''' it were LJN because they would've given me more to '''talk''' about!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Call me an explorer; I've been searching for the '''perfect''' shitty game. And I've seen just about '''''EVERYTHING''''' at this point! But ya know what? I'm gonna do something that I've never done yet. And that is to review a game, on... ''[turns his camera to the TurboGrafx-16]'' ...the TurboGrafx-16. '''''Holy shit.''''' ''[The TurboGrafx-16 floats out to the camera.]'' The TurboGrafx-16 was developed by Hudson Soft and NEC. Its original name in Japan was the PC Engine, which sounds like a computer on a train. No wonder they changed it. The games came on cards, which was unique. It was '''technically''' the first 16-bit console, made to compete with the NES, but it was soon trampled by two titans, the Sega Genesis and the Super Nintendo. Yeah, you were either asking your parents for the Genesis or the SNES. The TurboGrafx-16 was the one nobody ''gave'' a shit about. It didn't have as many third-party game developers workin' for it, but the benefit of that was that it meant less shitty games! The TurboGrafx library is less ''contaminated'' than the rest. That's why it's taken me so long to get to it. There's no '''major''' stinkers that stick out. But I might've found one. ''Darkwing Duck'', based on [[w:Darkwing Duck|the TV show]].  remember the show, but I'm not overly familiar with it, which is a fair spot to be in. I have no high expectations, or low expectations. By now, I've played some of the most '''''HORRIBLE GAMES''''' that are humanly possible to make: ''Plumbers Don't Wear Ties'', ''Big Rigs'', ''Hong Kong 97''; I think I've set the bar too high, or too low, depending which way ya look at it. So now, let's go into some more sensible territory; let's get serious. Or should I say... &quot;Let's get dangerous&quot;?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Great! The game just began and they tease ya with an item that you can't get! There's ''gotta'' be a way... Oh - I see, ya bounce on the skateboarding penguins' heads. ''[turns to the camera]'' How can I be so casual when I say &quot;skateboarding penguins&quot;?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': It's not like I ''have'' to get the D; I don't even know what it does! But it '''''pisses me off!''''' I feel like an ass! I can't let that go! I feel like I've been fooled! It's like a '''test''' from the game programmers! A challenge! Like, you put that D there, and '''''I'm gonna figure out how you intend I get to it!''''' ... I give up. There's a whole game ahead of me. Fuck the D; the D can '''''suck my dick!''''''''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': I've been playin' on &quot;Normal Mode&quot;. I'm changin' it to &quot;Easy&quot;. Huh. &quot;Easy&quot; and &quot;Normal&quot;. Should be called &quot;Hard&quot;, and '''''&quot;FUCKING BULLSHIT&quot;!'''''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Don't you think there'd be a reason why the window is broken? Doesn't it look like I can hop down there? ''(Darkwing jumps up to the cable)'' How 'bout hangin' on the power lines? Darkwing is actually reaching up as if he could grab on! But it never happens! It '''messes''' with your mind! It's a psychological sucker-front! A facade! It's the equivalent of an open door that ya can't go in!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So much shit comin' at me! '''''SO MUCH SHIT!''''' ''[The Nerd falls below the platform and into a different level. He is shocked.]'' What the fuck just happened? It's like you make one wrong step, '''''you go to the dungeon, BITCH!'''''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''':  You can't duck and shoot. Great. Well at least you can duck. You '''''ARE''''' a duck. I dunno what kinda fucked-up duck can't fuckin' duck

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd: ''' ''(As the Nerd waits for a correct time to jump, a safe falls on Darkwing's head, much to the Nerd's dismay. The camera cuts to him looking shocked by this. He then gets an angry look before opening his mouth.)'' ''(Screams angrily)'' '' '''FU.....!!!!''' '' ''(this is interwoven with multiple clips of the Nerd screaming; the final shot is an explosion)'' ''(angrily)'' '''If you stand still for TOO long, a safe drops on you! Like the game is saying, ''&quot;FUCK YOU!&quot;'' ''' '''&lt;nowiki/&gt;''' Might as well just be a giant middle finger. And it should be the only part of the game in 3D! Put on your 3D glasses! Get ready! Set! Fuck you, kids!

:'''The Nerd: '''This '''''could've''''' been a decent game. ''Darkwing Duck'' is '''''NOT''''' one of those concepts that's doomed from the start. The show had elements of action, crime-solving and humor. It's been done well before! ''(Footage of the NES version of &quot;Darkwing Duck&quot; is shown)'' There was an NES version which was basically like ''[[w:Mega Man (video game)|Mega Man]]'' but with a duck. It was made by [[w:Capcom|Capcom]], who of course made the ''Mega Man'' games, and ''DuckTales''. '''Those''' all turned out great, so what happened here? The control isn't just bad, it's '''''uniquely''''' bad. In an indescribable way.

:'''The Nerd: '''Every game with bad control has its own feel, its own identity. Making bad games is an artform. It's a delicate recipe. Some are worse than others. It might be a massive truck load of elephant shit, or, a pellet of bird poop. To explain '''''exactly''''' how bad it is, I've invented &quot;The Shit Scale&quot;.

:'''The Nerd: '''It begins with &quot;Games That Are Debatably Bad&quot;. '''Somewhat''' good games, with ''serious'' flaws. '''''Not''''' part of the turd crust, but well within smell range.

:'''The Nerd: '''Then you get to the &quot;High Level of Shit Contamination&quot;. Games that are ''possible'' to play, but nobody in their right mind would.

:'''The Nerd: '''Then ya get into the &quot;Very High&quot; category which encompasses the majority of LJN games. This is where you could still survive, but you'd come out traumatized... for life.

:'''The Nerd: '''Next is the &quot;Severe Zone&quot;. This is for masochists only. These are games that could kill a person. '''''STAY AWAY. Don't even think about it!'''''

:'''The Nerd: '''Then we have ''Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde''. Enough said.

:'''The Nerd: '''Finally, at the '''''EXTREME''''' end of the scale, &quot;'''MAJOR CODE RED'''&quot;; we have games that don't even '''''qualify''''' as games at all. They shouldn't even be '''on''' the scale! But they are. And that's so you know to beware. '''''NEVER''''' play them, '''''NEVER''''' talk about them.

:'''The Nerd: '''So where does ''Darkwing Duck'' fall on the scale? I'd say somewhere around... here. ''(&quot;Very High&quot; category)'' Of course that means there '''are''' games that are worse, but from what I've seen so far, ''Darkwing Duck'' is the '''''WORST''''' game on the TurboGrafx-16. Being the worst at something is quite an achievement. I'm the fuckin' Nerd, I'll see ya next time. ''(The Nerd throws the game and grunts angrily)'' '''Nnrgh!'''

=== [[w:Seaman (video game)|Seaman]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': So what do you do in this game? Well, the instructions say: &quot;You are free to enjoy Seaman-&quot; ''[slaps the instruction booklet against his forehead]'' '''AW, NO, NO, NO, NOOOOOOO!''' '''IT'S SEA-MAN! SEA...MAN!''' Not ''semen.'' ''[awkwardly pauses for 2 seconds]'' '''AS IN JIZZ! SPLOOGE! MAN BAZOOKA JUICE!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Yeah, you wanna look cool? Put a Sega Dreamcast on your wrist with a TV and a gas-powered electric generator! You'd be so awesome! Let's play this.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Leonard Nimoy''': Then take the egg from the storage matrix...
:'''The Nerd''': Yeah. When he says &quot;Matrix.&quot;, he sounds like Galvatron.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[The Nerd watches in horror as the Nautilus thrashes around, bleeding out]''
:'''The Nerd''': Agh! Ah, that's repulsive!
:''[several Seamen spawn (Gillmen) come flying out of the Nautilus' corpse]''
:'''The Nerd''': ...Whooooaaaa... 
:''[one Gillman swims right up to the screen]''
:'''The Nerd''': GAH! OH, MY GOD! AHHH, GET AWAY FROM ME YOU MYSTICAL ANCIENT PHARAOH MOTHERFUCKERS! Ah! I gotta do it! I gotta do it for Nimoy! ''(gives the Vulcan salute)'' '''''FOR NIMOY!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[to microphone]'' Hello.
:'''Seaman''':''[sarcastically]'' Yeah. Hello. Whatever.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[to microphone]'' I just wanna talk.
:'''Seaman''': ''[sarcastically]'' Blahh, blahh, blahh. Happy?
:'''The Nerd''': ''[to microphone, annoyed]'' Yo, fuck-face!
:'''Seaman''': Let's be sure and get my name right, skin puppet. You're a pain in the fuck.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[to microphone, angrily]'' Suck my cock.
:'''Seaman''': Hey, Seaman don't play that.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[to microphone]'' I'll... (What can I do?) I'll tickle you.
:'''Seaman''': Are you coming on to me?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[to microphone]'' Talk, talk. Speak, speak.
:'''Seaman''': Bite me.
:''[the Gillman flings a viscous substance at the screen]''
:'''The Nerd''': Did he just take a fuck? 'HE JUST FLUNG FUCK AT ME!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Whoa. That's deep, man. But it's bullfuck! The game demands I play by its schedule. So, what am I gonna do to pass the time? Well, I guess I'll play this Famicom Disk game, which roughly translates to &quot;Explosive Fighter Patton&quot;. Why? Because people told me so; they keep feeding me this shit. Let's check it out. ''[inserts the disk. The screen says: &quot;TURN TO SIDE-B AND INSERT TO FUCKING BOX!&quot;.]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[stunned]'' No. No way! It's an official Famicom disk game that says the F-word! And this was in the 80s; this was before Hong Kong 97! '''''IT'S AN OFFICIALLY RELEASED GAME ON A NINTENDO CONSOLE...THAT SAYS &quot;FUCK&quot;! OH, MY GOD, MY LIFE IS COMPLETE! IT SAYS FUCK!''''' ''[shouting]'' '''''IT SAYS FU....'''''
:''[brief montage indicating the passage of time]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[continues shouting]'' O-oh, I forgot about Seaman! ''[turns Dreamcast back on]''
:'''Leonard Nimoy''': I regret to inform you that Seaman has passed away...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Seaman''': Hey, guess what we're doing over here!
:''[two Gillmen are interconnected; the Nerd is shocked]''
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, no, no, no-no-no, please, please! The Seamen are mating. And they felt the need to announce it; to make it known! There they are; staring you right in the face! I didn't even know one that was female. They both have a male voice. That's not... logical.
:''[the top Gillman sinks to the tank floor]''
:'''The Nerd''': It dies? It got fucked to death?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Seaman''': In general, would you describe yourself as a confident person?
:'''The Nerd''': ''[confused]'' Am I confident in myself? Well--
:'''Seaman''': You don't have to be perfect to still be able to like yourself, so tell me.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[lying on the futon like a therapist couch]'' It all started with my pet albatross.
:'''Seaman''': The most important thing is that your dad knows how much he means to you.
:'''The Nerd''': I just feel like...nothing matters, you know?
:'''Seaman''': ''[each line interleaving with one another]'' If you manage to glimpse the world through each other's eyes, you have to keep up with technology. What will your future be like? It's a natural result of the world's economy becoming no reality independent of observation.
:'''The Nerd''': I-I never thought of it that way.
:'''Seaman''': Human beings are the only animals smart enough to entertain itself in a complex way. ''[the Nerd nods in agreement]''

=== The Crow ===

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Nerd''': Look at this ugly, murky mess. I'm sure they were going for a dark, moody atmosphere and all that, but don't you think it's a little too dark? It's almost just a black screen with yellow and red pools of light. Looks like somebody bled and pissed all over the place, after smearing the camera lens with their shit after taking a bunch of Pepto Bismol.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
'''AVGN''': This game is worse than a Mischief Night prank! Mischief Night is throwing toilet paper all over someone's yard. This game is the equivalent of throwing toilet paper after you wiped your ass! It's as refreshing as a horse's anus! Fuck The Crow up its bird ass! And fuck you, you fuckin' clown-faced joker kiss makeup wearin' King Diamond Beetlejuice Alice Cooper Marilyn Manson motherfucker!!

=== [[w:Mortal Kombat Mythologies: Sub-Zero|Mortal Kombat Mythologies: Sub-Zero]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': C'mon, c'mon - oh, get the fuck outta my way - ''[a monk gets crushed by a moving pillar]'' AH-HA-HAH! YEAH! DID YOU SEE THAT?! I FUCKIN' SQUASHED THAT BITCH! ''[A pillar squashes Sub-Zero]'' FUUUUUUCCCCKKK!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Afterwards, you get a cutscene. This is where I should mention that the game was also on PlayStation. It's very similar, but the most noteworthy difference is that on the N64, the cutscenes are still images and text, but with the PlayStation version, since it was a CD-based console, it was able to have full motion video and audio.
:'''[[w:Scorpion (Mortal Kombat)|Scorpion]]''': I am Scorpion. You killed me in cold blood.
:'''The Nerd''': Um... Just stick to ''[[w:Mortal Kombat: Annihilation|Mortal Kombat: Annihilation]]''. 


== Season Ten ==

=== Mega Man Games ===
:'''The Nerd:''' ''[first lines]'' It's been 10 years since I first began broadcasting to you through the miracle of YouTube technology. And since then, I've been trying to keep up with the times. I've just finished upgrading my vinyl record collection to cassettes. And I got a new cell phone... ''[he holds up an old-style Motorola mobile phone]'' (Check it out.) ''[Nokia fanfare plays]'' ...and I finally got one of those new rectangular TVs. I've been reorganizing all my game consoles, new video switchers, working out all the bugs, new shelves, I can now get behind my game consoles to reach all the wires, and of course, the ability to play games in HD clarity. Yeah, hi-def. ''Yeah.'' Now let's play some 8-bits.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' BLAM! Shootin' shit, running around in your blue underwear! It doesn't get any better than this. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' ''Mega Man II'' is favored by many. It's considered to be one of the supreme examples of these types of side-scrolling action games. It's the one everybody knows. Just like another Capcom game, ''Street Fighter II,'' which revolutionized the tournament fighter genre. I guess you can say Capcom made the best number twos.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Explosions! Dialogue! '''EXPLOSIONS ''AND'' DIALOGUE, AT THE SAME TIME!''' ''[Shouting]'' '''''OH, MY GOD!!!'''''
:''[Explosions occur in the Nerd's room with some dialogue saying &quot;This is Hunter Base. Do you read me? Are you all right? Any damage?&quot; interrupting for a brief moment then explosions resume while the Nerd yells]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''2016 Nerd:''' Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. ''[points at R.O.B.]'' Why is that there?
:'''2007 Nerd:''' I don't know, it just sits there.
:'''2016 Nerd:''' Get rid of it.
:'''2007 Nerd:''' Why?
:'''2016 Nerd:''' You'll know by Episode 100.
:'''2007 Nerd:''' Uh, Episode-- ''[stutters]'' ''What?!''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''':  Look, I know this sounds weird, but I've sorta been time-traveling around through AVGN history.
:'''Back Nerd''': Yeah. That's weird. We've never seen anything weird before.
:'''2006 Nerd''': What's AVGN?
:'''Right Nerd''': ''[with an idiotic smile]'' Audio Video Graphic Network!
:'''Back Nerd:''' ''[sarcastically]'' A VaGiNa.
:''[2016 Nerd just facepalms in annoyance.]''
:'''2006 Nerd:''' So what time did you come from?
:'''2016 Nerd:''' From ten years into the future.
:'''2006 Nerd:''' That's nice. Could you have picked a more confusing time to show up?
:'''Left Nerd:''' ''[sarcastically]'' Not confusing at all. Time-traveling back into a dream, that happens all the time! '''''MAKES PERFECT FUCKING SENSE!'''''
:'''2006 Nerd:''' Relax.
:'''2016 Nerd:''' All right, now look, I could tell you that Freddy's around the corner and he's waiting to kill all you, ''[Freddy's shadow gets annoyed, gives the middle finger, and walks away]'' but I'm gonna show you how much worse things could get. ''[shows the PlayStation Disc]'' Here is [[w:Mega Man Legends (video game)|Mega Man Legends]], on PlayStation.
:'''2006 Nerd:''' PlayStation? We're the Angry ''Nintendo'' Nerd!
:'''2016 Nerd:''' THEN CHANGE THE FUCKING NAME! It's about time!
:'''Back Nerd:''' How about Angry Nintendo Commentator? 
:''[2016 Nerd facepalms]''
:'''Right Nerd:''' How about Retro Nostalgic Video Gaming Shit Seeker?
:'''2006 Nerd:''' How about [[w:Nostalgia Critic|Nostalgia Critic]]?
:'''2016 Nerd:''' ''[in disagreement, as if saying, &quot;That's not gonna happen.&quot;]'' Now ''that's'' fucking ''stupid.''
:'''Left Nerd:''' How about &quot;Angry ''Video Game'' Nerd&quot;?
:''[The Nerds agree on the name]''
:'''Right Nerd:''' Yeah, that's good.
:'''Middle Nerd:''' I agree with that.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Mega Man walks toward a magazine rack]''
:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;There're some dirty magazines on the racks...&quot;?
:''[The Nerds have shocked looks on their faces, and they start laughing]''
:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;It might be fun to look at--&quot;
:''[The Nerds all exclaim things such as '''&quot;WHAT?!&quot;''' and '''&quot;OH, MAN!&quot;''' and '''&quot;OH, MY GOD!&quot;''' and having various looks on their faces, ranging from disgusted to laughing.]''
:'''Left Nerd:''' '''''MEGA MAN'S LOOKING AT PORN!'''''
:'''2006 Nerd:''' My life is complete!
:'''Right Nerd:''' ''[laughing]'' ''Mega Man X.'' more like ''Mega Man '''XXX.'''''
:'''2016 Nerd:''' Well, anyway, this guy's gotta take a shit, so take out that Nightmare on Elm Street cartridge and empty your ass all over it.
:'''Back Nerd:''' ''[in embarrassment]'' I wish you would've said that earlier.
:''[The other Nerds smell, gag and hold their nose after knowing Back Nerd defecated his pants.]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''2004 Nerd:''' You didn't play ''Jekyll and Hyde'' again, did you?
:'''2016 Nerd:''' ''[beat, shakes his head]'' ...No! Never... Mm-mm. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': I'm back. It's yours truly, the fuckin' Nerd, here to play some more shitty games. Let's pop this fucker in here-- ''[The Nerd picks up an SNES cartridge and is shocked to see it is [[w:Mega Man Soccer|Mega Man Soccer]]. He puts the game in the SNES, turns it on, plays it and shudders in shock at the game play.]'' Wha--? W--? '''WHAT... WERE... THEY...&lt;big&gt;''THINKING?!?''&lt;/big&gt;''' ''[he runs, hurls himself out the window and screams.]''

=== [[w:Paperboy (video game)|Paperboy]] ===
:'''AVGN''': Extra! Extra! Paperboy goes mad! Here's some [[w:Classified advertising|assifieds]]! Here you go daily douchebag! 10% off your next purchase of &quot;FUCK YOU&quot;! Cloudy with a chance of fuck kicking! Dear Abby, make 'em eat fuck! Crosswords, can you spell cunt? Horoscopes, you will achieve greatness - in FUCK!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Aiming the newspaper into the mailbox is like trying to slingshot a dingleberry from a playground roundabout that’s situated on a moving parade float aiming into a bottlecap that’s tied by a string to a Himalayan snow-cock! While drunk!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Then there's a tire that randomly comes rolling out from behind the house. Who's back there rolling tires? Get a life.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The ''Grim Reaper'' is in town... That's a problem.

=== [[w:MTV's Beavis and Butt-Head|Beavis and Butt-Head]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''(belches)'' Yeah, that's how you critique it, you just say this sucks... yeah... uh... you know when you eat rump roast - are you like, eating a cow's butt? ''(burps)'' You know the word &quot;this&quot; is like &quot;shit&quot; spelled backwards? Or uh... maybe it isn't. Maybe I should like, uh... play another game, or something?

=== The Berenstain Bears ===
:'''Other Nerd''': These are the real Bad News Bears!

=== Sega Activator and Aura Interactor ===
:'''The Nerd''': Streets of Rage 2.
:'''Keith Apicary''': Yes! That's my autobiography.


== Season Eleven ==

=== Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers ===
:'''The Nerd:''' After that, you get this awkward driving stage where you rescue people.
:'''Voice in game:''' ''[exclaims]'' Over here! All right!
:'''The Nerd:''' ''[sarcastically]'' &quot;Love&quot; hearin' those voices over and over again.
:'''Voice in game:''' Over here! All right! Over here! All right!
:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;Over here!&quot; &quot;All right!&quot; &quot;Over here!&quot; &quot;All right!&quot; &quot;Over here!&quot; &quot;All right!&quot; '''''&quot;OVER HERE!!!&quot;''''' '''''&quot;ALL RIGHT!&quot;'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' [Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie ''on Game Boy''] Take a look at the Rangers. Which one's your favorite? ''(shows the Rangers on the Game Boy's monochrome screen)'' The Dark Green, Dark Green, Dark Green, Dark Green, Dark Green, or Dark Green Ranger? Mine's the Dark Green Ranger.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' This problem escalates when you get to the sand. Oh, God, the sand. Let me tell you about this. You have to punch and kick all this sand out of the way, and it's a race against time because there's a machine following close behind you. If it touches you, it's a one-hit death. You have to get rid of that sand as fast as humanly possible. You can't afford any wasted hits, which means you have to master the science behind this punch-kick phenomenon. The top square can only be taken out with the punch. The middle with a kick or a ducking punch. The bottom, only with a ducking kick. So not only do you have to know when it's going to be a punch or a kick, but you also have to know when to be standing or ducking. The only successful pattern I found is duck-stand-stand, duck-duck-stand. I can't even do it without saying it out loud. Duck-stand-stand, duck-duck-stand. Duck-stand-stand, duck-duck-stand. Fuck-shit-shit, fuck-fuck-shit! ''Fuck-shit-shit, fuck-fuck-shit! '''FUCK-SHIT-SHIT, FUCK-FUCK-SHIT!''''' ''(Ranger dies)'' '''''FUUUUCK!!!'''''

=== [[w:Sonic the Hedgehog (2006 video game)|Sonic '06]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': I mean, how bad could this po- it's gonna fuckin' suck, isn't it?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So far, this game has given me nothing but shit! '''The game is giving me shit!!!''' [''The Sonic 06 box game is literally trying to give the Nerd a piece of shit''] '''No! No! No!'''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': [''Talking about how the shopkeeper is only saying welcome''] Especially him. The only word on the screen is &quot;welcome&quot;, but his mouth is moving like crazy. What more could he possibly be saying?! [''The Nerd appears on screen and mimics the shopkeeper''] Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcomewelcomewelcome...

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': [''Commenting on another NPC''] Then there's this crack addict in an alley. [''The Nerd mimics the NPC''] Hey, hey, hey, did you see that, did you hear that? [''starts babbling unintelligibly''] Cra- Cra- crack, I need crack.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
[''Tails jumps over the rail and dies in water'']
:'''The Nerd''': Did Tails just kill himself?!!
[''Tails falls off the rail again and dies'']
:'''The Nerd''': He did!!
[''falls off the rail and dies again'']
:'''The Nerd''': [''appearing on the game screen''] He just couldn't take it... The game was that bad! ''(sighs and jumps into the water)''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''The Nerd''': [about the [[Free Willy|Free Willy]] poster] It looks like the kid is punching the whale! Who the hell could punch a killer whale so hard it becomes airborne?! You don't fuck with that kid!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': &quot;Cleared ACT Mission&quot;? What kind of terminology is that? That's like saying &quot;Cleared LEVEL Stage&quot;. This game is &quot;DICK Cock&quot;.

=== Planet of the Apes ===

:'''The Nerd:''' Well, it's one of those &quot;where the fuck do you go?&quot; kind of games...
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' '''''OH, THE ONLY PLANET THIS GAME CAME FROM IS URANUS! OH, THIS GAME IS A MADHOUSE! A MADHOUSE! OH, YOU DAMN DIRTY GAME DESIGNERS! YOU MANIACS! YOU FUCKED IT UP! DAMN YOU, DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!''''' Oh, that's it. I'm going back to Earth!

=== Game Boy Accessories ===

:'''The Nerd:''' This one, called the 'Handy Boy' was released by... STD? ''STD?!'' '''''WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD NAME THEIR GAME COMPANY &quot;STD&quot;?!'''''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(on Game Boy accessories)'' But then, to top it off, the grand finale. I'm not even emotionally ready to tell you about this, so just sit back, here it is. ''The PediSedate.'' This thing was intended for hospitals, to help children relax when they're about to be put under for surgery or a medical procedure. Essentially, it's a pair of headphones that you plug into the Game Boy. You could probably plug it into any portable gaming console, but more importantly, it has a cup that goes over the child's mouth, and releases the sleep gas, or laughing gas, or whatever it is they need. So, it's the only gaming peripheral I know of that ''gasses you!'' Imagine being sedated while playing fuckin' ''[[w:Dr. Mario|Dr. Mario]]''! What would that be like? Oh, my God! I was gonna make up a bunch of fake shit at the end, like the ''Game Boy Dog Turd Collector.'' But nothing I can make up can top ''this!'' And this thing was rea-I mean, it didn't get released, but it was invented and patented. The Game Boy must have been the most multi-purposed thing in existence! Astronauts actually took it into space! It could withstand bomb blasts, you could take photos, print, sew, find fish, ''get sedated! I wanna be sedated with a Game Boy!!'' '''I WANNA BE SEDATED WITH A GAAAME BOOOY!!'''! [[w:I Wanna Be Sedated|BAM BAM BAMBAM BAMBAM BAM B-B-]] '''''I WANNA BE SEDATED WITH A GAAAAAME BOOOOOY!!!!!'''''

=== Treasure Master ===
:'''The Nerd''': It's a really smart idea to be wearing radioactive fucking SHOES!! Seriously...is Skooter that fucking RAD that he doesn't care about RAD-iation poisoning?

=== Wrestling Games ===
:'''The Nerd''': Trying to hit a guy here is like trying to hit a grain of sand with a tennis racket while Andre The Giant farts directly into your nostrils!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Wow. And how about the most annoying character select screen possible? I don't know who the fuck most of these guys are, and they have no names! Who are these people?? They just shout random slogans at me and move at about two frames per second. Whatever, I'll pick Ric Flair. And of course it controls like ass. The punches take almost a full-second delay! And seriously, why does everyone walk around like there's shit caked up their ass?! Fuck this piece of shit! I'm done! (Takes the game out of the Super Nintendo]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Let me tell you something, brother! This game is the worst there is, the worst there was, and the worst there ever will be! Woo! It's a limousine-fucking, jet plane-sucking, diarrhea-drinking, asshole-stinking Hell-on-Earth in a cartridge, and I'm gonna open up a whole can of whoop-ass on it! And that's the bottom line because the fucking Nerd said so!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Seriously, why couldn't they give all the WWF games to Capcom instead of giving six of them to one of the worst video game companies in existence? Oh, and did I mention the toy line? LJN made the toys, too, and those fucking sucked also! Ugh! What were they thinking? Man, if LJN stood for Laughing Joking Numbnuts, then WWF must have stood for... Wisecracking Wiener Fuckfarts. ''[Actually, Nerd, WWF stood for &quot;World Wrestling Federation.&quot; Now it's WWE, which stands for &quot;World Wrestling Entertainment.&quot;] (gets knocked down by SNES cartridge with a steel chair and the audience angrily boos while the cartridge celebrates as if giving the audience a middle finger, and saying '''&quot;FUCK YOU!&quot;''')''

=== [[w:Polybius (urban legend)|Polybius]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''(after unsuccessfully trying to escape)'' The only way it'll let me go is if I show the game! ''(crying)'' I had to... I had no choice. I can't stand this anymore. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry just... [cries] Just don't look. Don't look, turn the video off right now! Once you see it, it's in you forever.
:''(The camera pans to floor as the Nerd walks toward the Polybius console and looks up at the screen, which shows a 3D-looking square tunnel and then a Tempest-like screen with other shapes. The screen flashes shapes randomly before the YouTube Video Unavailable screen appears. The face suddenly changes into the Nerd's face before the screen cuts to static.)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Todd Tuckey''': What's going on? Hello? ...Well, the camera's here. ''(picks up camera)'' Well, there's the game. ''(static interspersed with Todd screaming)''

=== Robocop NES Games ===

=== [[w:Sonic the Hedgehog (2006 video game)|Sonic '06 (Part 2)]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' Seriously, the last thing I want to do after beating Sonic '06 is play more fuckin' Sonic '06! I'd rather rip every individual pube out of my scrotum with salad tongs than play this anymore!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[after he beats Sonic '06]'' Wow! Can't say I've seen that before. Well, Sonic '06, it's all done. Just to think, all the hours spent, all that time, all that torture, and now, it's all over?
:''[sultry jazz music plays as the Nerd glares at Sonic '06 with bedroom eyes. Whipping and laughter sounds as the scene cuts to the dungeon with Sonic '06 whipping the Nerd.]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[exclaims]'' Yeah! You like th-Ah! Ah! Yeah! Give it to me! ''[shouting]'' Ah! Yeah, yeah! ''[exclaims]'' Yeah, oh you like it when I give you those bedroom eyes! ''[shouts]'' Yeah! ''[exclaims and shouts]''

=== Charlie’s Angels (GameCube) ===
:'''Charlie''': Good morning, Nerd.
:'''The Nerd''': Who said that?
:'''Charlie''': Down here, Nerd.
:'''The Nerd''': The fuck is that thing?
:'''Charlie''': It's me, Charlie. I've come to help you with your game decision. I've got one in mind I think you'll like.
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, yeah, yeah, that's just what I need. Thank you. Thank you very much. How about you just get the hell out of here before I smash your circuits all over the floor?
:'''Charlie''': Why don't you take a look at the game first?
:'''The Nerd''': Oh yeah. ''Charlie's Angels: the Movie'' the game. I heard that one's some grade-A ass!
:'''Charlie''': Indeed it is, Nerd, but you'll only find out if you play. Now play it.
:'''The Nerd''': Okay. All right, so somebody comes and makes me play a game. Freddy, Jason, Bugs Bunny, a speaker phone? I mean, this is an all-time low. ''We're reachin' here!'' And you know where. What do you think I do all day? Just sit around and play shitty games?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' It's finally happened. For years I've been calling games ass. But here is a game ''that's literally'' ''ASS!''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Charlie:''' I'm really sorry Nerd. I thought you would've loved a game that was ass.
:'''The Nerd:''' And why would I love that?
:'''Charlie:''' Because... you're a pieceashit!

=== Star Wars: Masters of Teras Kasi ===
''[The Nerd is looking through a 'Star Wars' encyclopedia]''
:'''The Nerd:''' What? ''JIZZ!?'' 'A popular style of freeform, wailing music' Jizz! Yeah, there is 'jizz' in this book. ''(flips to another page)'' Jizz-wailer!? 'A musician who plays a fast, contemporary, and upbeat style of music.' Jizz-wailer! It's in Star Wars!

=== Lightspan Adventures ===
:'''The Nerd:''' Let's learn some motherfucking math! ''On the move!''

== Season Twelve ==
=== [[w:EarthBound|EarthBound]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''[on the game's oversized box]'' Your ''MOM'' has an oversized box!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''(Following the montage of interruptions by the Photo Guy)''
:'''The Nerd''': ''LEAVE ME ALONE! LET ME PLAY THE GAME!''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mr. Rigs''': That's right, Nerd! Don't take shit from nobody! Only give shits and while you're at it, get some clothes that fit.
:'''The Nerd's Shit''': Yes, it's a little on the baggy side.
:'''The Nerd''': Hey! I don't need any advice from you or the shit talking shit.

=== Dirty Harry ===
:'''The Nerd''': While the movie was ''Dirty'' Harry, the game... was just straight-up ''filthy''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': (''at the title screen'') It opens with the classic line from ''Sudden Impact''.
:'''Harry Callahan''': ''Go ahead. Make my day''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': This game is yet another one of those &quot;Where the fuck do I go?&quot; kind of games. I ran around for 20 minutes like a chicken with its head cut off and barely accomplished anything.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': I know what you're thinking, did he fire six shots or only five? Well to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I... kind of lost track myself. But being this is a Konami Justifier, the most powerful light gun in the world, it would blow your label clean off. You gotta ask yourself one question. Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya? Punk?

=== [[w:Drake of the 99 Dragons|Drake of the 99 Dragons]] ===

:'''The Nerd:''' ''(meditating to ethnic music)'' ... Oh, hey. I've just been meditating to summon the power of the Chosen One to give me the patience and the courage... to play today's game.
:'''The Nerd:''' This game is what you get if somebody ate every badass dual-pistol wielding, trench coat-wearing late '90s action movie cliché, then barfed it out, ate the barf, and then dumped their ass into a piss-and-shit-stained bus station toilet, and then they took that rancid concoction, and somehow printed Xbox discs made out of it! 99 Dragons, made out of 99 percent bullshit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': But ooh boy, let me tell ya, I haven't even started playing yet, so let's pick up the Duke here, this big-ass ''tank'' fuckin' controller, and let's get started. 'cuz it's gonna get fucked...
:'''The Nerd:''' I understand the game was developed under a very short time, but somebody had to pop this in at least ONCE and say; &quot;This controls like ass.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(on the cutscenes)'' Oh, and the lips barely move, so I can never tell if they're actually talking, or it's some kind of inner monologue. ''(As he speaks, the Nerd's mouth is intentionally out of sync with his voice, parodying this.)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(After having died, the Nerd spawns in a temple, where he has to wait for ten seconds before restarting.)''
:'''Statue:''' &quot;There's no cure for stupidity beyond death.&quot;
:'''The Nerd:''' Yeah, well, fuck you too, you fuckin' statues!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(waiting for a platform to take Drake to the top of a building)'' O-oh, come on! I could build a sculpture of a horse takin' a shit, out of horse shit, in the time it takes to get up there!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' This is where the problems in the game REALLY mount up, and it just... builds inside you with all this RAGE, and you become... just BOILING SO FUCKIN' HOT! It's not like you're in Hell; you've '''become''' Hell! Bad people die, and they go into '''you!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(fighting a boss)'' And before I know it, I'm dead! What the fuuucck?!
:'''The Nerd:''' So you defeat the boss, you rescue your master, and now you gotta go down into the subway, and... ''(gets hit by a train and dies)'' '''HAAAAAAAAAAGHHH!!!''' ''WHAT THE FUCK?!'' Thi-I-I-I-I can't fuckin' stand this. I-I would cheat, but, they didn't even program cheat codes! But how could they, if they can't even program a ''fuckin'' game?! ''(stammers and briefly meditates)''

=== ''Tomb Raider'' Games ===
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, and have you ever noticed the Angelina Jolie ''Tomb Raider'' movies aren't called ''Tomb Raider?'' They're officially called ''Lara Croft: Tomb Raider'' and ''Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life.'' What a mouthful. Did they just read the movie poster out loud? Might be why it took 15 years to get another feature film, which was simply called, ''Tomb Raider,'' unless the real title was supposed to be: ''Alicia Vikander is Lara Croft Tomb Raider March 16th Experience It In IMAX.'' But that's probably too much for a theater marquee, right?

=== Resident Evil Survivor ===
:'''The Nerd:''' This game is kicking the PlayStation while it's already down. Mainly in the balls.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:(''after the Nerd appears in the intro to the original'' Resident Evil)
:'''The Nerd''': You see that shit!? Well, I guess I gotta explain. The Umbrella Corporation, they moved in next door, set up a secret lab, and now there's monsters and stuff, and I dunno what to do! Well, I guess I'll pop in the disc, play some ''Resident Evil: Survivor'', have a pint, and wait for all of this to blow over.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So this guy's seen hangin' from a helicopter, he falls off and the copter crashes. Then that same helicopter shits another guy out. Seriously, look at this! The helicopter's on fire, and this dude just shoots out like a turd with an explosive fart behind it!

=== Super Hydlide and Virtual Hydlide ===
:'''The Nerd''': Eight years ago, I played the first ''Hydlide''. Since then, I've gotten a lot of requests to review the other Hydlide games. The other ''Hydlide'' games? Because the first one was so good, you've gotta have more, no, sequels to games that already sucked Donkey Kong dong, that I can't stand! I can't stand the sound of it! Hydlide! ''HYDLIDE!'' (''vomits both sequels'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Imagine living in this world: you're late for work, so you skip breakfast, and then two hours later, you're in the middle of a meeting, and ya drop fuckin' DEAD in front all your coworkers! Nothin' left but a withered husk. Tragic.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': &quot;It does seem fitting to construe carelessly made shoddy goods as bullshit, but in what way? Is the resemblance that bullshit,  itself, is invariably produced in a careless or self-indulgent manner that is never finely crafted? The word 'shit' does suggest this. Excrement is not designed or crafted at all. It is merely emitted (or dumped).&quot; So, while the game did not actually come out of somebody's asshole, it sure CAME OUT in the same manner!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Thankfully, Virtual Hydlide is over. The credits play, and ya get the List of Shame, set to some shitty stock JPEGs of the countryside. You wasted precious hours of your life, to give yourself eyestrain and motion sickness, and all you get is a fucking &quot;Congratulations!&quot; screen. Well, at least they spelled it right. Anyway, ''Virtual Hydlide'' is literally &quot;Bullshit&quot;. Oh, that's right; where'd I throw the book? Ah, well... whatever. I don't have anything planned anyway, so... (''scrolls up like a cel sheet, revealing a &quot;Conglaturation!!!&quot; message'')

=== Amiga CD³²™ ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''[unable to play the CD³²]'' Oh, that's perfect. I have to hold the disc hatch down just to get the game to spin. What, did I really expect this thing to work? I don't even want to play this piece of fuck to begin with, let alone one-handed, holding the thing down to get it to function.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing'' Dangerous Streets] Right off the bat, this is possibly the worst group of fighting game characters I've ever seen. Lookin' back at ''Street Fighter'' and ''Mortal Kombat'', each game had a group of memorable characters, like: Ryu, Guile, Scorpion, Liu Kang! This game has Futuristic Tommy Wiseau, Asscheek Lady, Spring Shoe Guy, Fat Guy with His Pants Undone, and a Native American guy '''TAKIN' A SHIT!''' And, there's this guy who was &quot;born in Pennsylvania&quot;... which just confuses the shit outta me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing'' Gloom] You collect bouncing balls for guns, and baby bottles for health! What is this, like a ''spoof?!'' Like ''PO'ed''? Yeah, the game where you're shooting butts! But, that was done on purpose, as a ''parody! ''This one, '''it's just a fuckin' watered-down piece of shit'' Doom ''knockoff!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing'' Bubba 'n Stix] The gameplay is kinda like a puzzle platformer, where you have to use Stix to get past obstacles, like using him to pry this rock up, or sticking him into the wall to use as a platform. This part right here is pretty funny. You have to get close to these weird guys without interrupting their conversation, and then throw Stix, the character, at them. The graphics are really nice, too. It's cartoony and colorful, but not like the rainbow vomit from ''Oscar''. This is actually a good game. At least, until I get to the second level and I can't figure out what to do. And, I don't have the time to figure it out, so...oh, well, I guess we gotta move on. But, I can give this one the Nerd stamp of not shit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''James D. Rolfe''': ''[receiving a call from the Nerd about a scene from the ''Surf Ninjas'' game]'' This is Cinemassacre Video, where selection is the name of the game. This is James speaking. How may I help you?
:'''The Nerd''': Yeah, okay, I just wanna ask you a quick question.
:'''James D. Rolfe''': Sure thing. Go right ahead.
:'''The Nerd''': Have you ever watched the movie, ''Surf Ninjas?''
:'''James D. Rolfe''': Yeah. In fact, I just had a chat with a bunch of friends all about that. Did you know that the costume designer was the same in ''Street Fighter: The Movie?'' That would explain all the blue camouflage--
:'''The Nerd''': Okay, okay. Look-look-look-look. I just wanna ask a fucking question. In the movie, ''Surf Ninjas,'' does anybody rip someone's heart out, Kano-style?
:'''James D. Rolfe''': Um... no, I don't think that happened in the movie.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[hangs up abruptly]'' See? I knew it.
:'''James D. Rolfe''': Hello? ''Hello?'' ''[sighs and hangs up phone; annoyed]'' Wow. What an asshole.

=== The Town With No Name ===
:'''The Nerd:''' ''[after he beats The Town With No Name]'' Well, that's it. And the good news is I never have to play the Amiga CD³² ever again, and just to make sure this time, I'm sending this thing back to the depths of Hell!
:''[Nerd picks up the SNES Super Scope and Sega Menacer, and starts firing on the Amiga CD³² like crazy, then he puts them down and starts firing hadoukens etc.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' You know what? Fuck this digital shit. Because, this thing needs to be destroyed for real. I'm not jokin' around; I'm goin' practical. I'm gonna do the real fuckin' deal. 
:''[in the backyard, The Nerd puts the soon-to-be-dead Amiga CD³² on the table, brings a Boring Company flamethrower and fires at the console]''
:'''The Nerd:'''  '''''HOW'S THAT FOR PRACTICAL?!''''' ''[the battery inside the Amiga CD³² explodes]'' '''''YEAH! BURN, BABY, BURN! YEEEAAAHHHH!!!''''' ''[Amiga CD³² melts down slowly]'' '''''WHEW, BOY! YE-HE-HE-HE-HEAAAH!!!'''''

=== Home Alone ===
:'''The Nerd''': (''looking down at a box of pizza delivered by Macaulay Culkin as a pizza delivery boy'') What's this?
:'''Pizza Boy''': A lovely cheese pizza; just for you.
:'''The Nerd''': You got the wrong house; I didn't order any pizza. But I'll take it anyway.
:(''He opens the pizza box to find'' Home Alone ''games on different consoles''.)
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, not funny.
:'''Pizza Boy''': Think of it as a gift; you owe it to yourself to play those games. I hear they're awesome.
:'''The Nerd''': No, they're not! Besides... I already reviewed both NES games: that first one where you're laying traps around the house that are enclosed in square tiles for no reason, where you're walkin' up the stairs like you took a dump, and that second one where you're running through the hotel, slidin' on your knees, fighting mops, vacuum cleaners and suitcases, and a chef that takes off his clothes. I'm already done with that, so get this shit out of here! And you better believe I'm leavin' a bad Yelp review.
:'''Pizza Boy''': That's just the NES versions; maybe the rest of them are better. I mean, look at how many of them there are, I mean, they can't all be bad... can they?
:'''The Nerd''': I admit I haven't played the rest. Have you?
:'''Pizza Boy''': No, but they all have Macaulay Culkin in them. I mean, how could you go wrong?
:'''The Nerd''': Well, maybe if they're not as bad as the NES games...
:'''Pizza Boy''': Come on. Everyone in the world shits on these games, and maybe you could change the world's mind. I mean, come on.
:'''The Nerd''': Okay, fine! But you're not going anywhere! You're gonna sit right here and suffer with me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': (''covering the PS2'' Home Alone ''game'') The biggest anomaly of the group is definitely the PS2 version. It was only released in Europe in 2006. Yeah, a while after the movie!
:'''Pizza Boy''': Yeah, but that movie is just timeless.
:'''The Nerd''': It is, but this game, by all known laws of physics in the universe, has no right to exist! The mere idea would baffle the greatest scientific minds of our time. ''(holding the case)'' Besides, the style is completely different: it doesn't look anything like the movies, looks nothing like Macaulay Culkin, I don't even know why we're talking about it, so let's just pretend it doesn't exist.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': (''playing the SNES'' Home Alone ''game'') The object of is to run around the house, collecting valuable items to hide from the criminals. You can only hold a certain amount. When your hands are full, you have to drop them down a laundry chute which leads into a giant vault in the basement! Or Goro's lair, or whatever the hell this is.
:'''Pizza Boy''': Look, I know the movie was a long time ago and stuff, but I don't remember Kevin gathering together... candlesticks, money bags and giant emerald rings, and then, throwing them down a laundry chute? But what do I know?
:'''The Nerd''': The items are found in the most random places, (''sees Kevin fish a whole pizza out of a toilet'') like in a... toilet?! Wh-- I found an entire goddamn pizza! In a toilet!
:'''Pizza Boy''': (disgusted) Kevin would never grab anything out of a toilet...
:'''The Nerd''': (equally disgusted) Augh! Yeah, not even a pizza. I'm sure of it.
:'''Pizza Boy''': Yeah... Yeah... I mean, maybe I would have. You know, back in my... heady days.
:'''The Nerd''': You would have grabbed something out of a toilet?
:'''Pizza Boy''': Yeah.
:'''The Nerd''': Pizza?
:'''Pizza Boy''': You've never had toilet pizza?
:'''The Nerd''': Yeah.
:'''Pizza Boy''': Yeah.
:'''The Nerd''': Pizza shit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Pizza Boy''': Did they really think I grew up in a house where giant frogs roam free in the hall? &quot;Yeah, we just had those suckers hoppin' all around, all the time! Mr. Frog House!&quot; I've never had to collect 35 pets, drop them down a laundry chute, and into a bank vault! Are you fucking kidding me?! What kind of asshole does this game think I am?! I can't believe they'd get away with this... I mean... you go to the store and... you see your face on a cartridge, and go like &quot;I wanna play with myself, all day long!&quot;Every kid deserves a video game based on themselves, am I right?  But no. No, they shat on me! They shat on my legacy! (''begins crying'') What am I gonna do?!
:'''The Nerd''': Wait a minute... You're not a real pizza boy! (''rips of name tag'') You're... M-- M-- Maculkin! I'm playin' ''Home Alone'' games... ...with Macaulay Culkin!!! (''screams a la Kevin'')
:'''Culkin''': Really? Really... Never seen that before. That's-- that's new. Can we just get back to the fucking games?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Culkin''': (''playing the SNES'' Home Alone 2 ''game'') Why is the entire hotel trying to kill me? I mean-- they have a bunch of fuckin' bombs behind the check-in desks! I mean, do they hate their child customers so much that they have to lob lobby bombs at them? And yes, that was pretty hard to say!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Culkin''': (''while battling Harry and Marv at the tree'') Y'know, once I had to fight a demonic tree... It was terrible... I don't know how the game developers found that out.
:'''The Nerd''': &quot;Demonic evil tree&quot;? They-- They exist? And this... this happened to you? Do you remember, like, what... ...um, how did it... happen? Li-- what...
:'''Culkin''': It was a long time ago.
:'''The Nerd''': I know, I know, it's--
:'''Culkin''': DON'T TOUCH ME!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': (''playing'' Home Alone 2 ''for Genesis'') Well, this is off to a frustrating start. Why is everyone in the entire airport tryna kill you? What did Kevin do to instigate all this?
:'''Culkin''': I mean, maybe because they had me pelting innocent businessmen with baseballs? &quot;Here comes Kevin McAllister; he gives 'em a big ol' concussion with a fuckin' baseball!&quot; Right to the dome, look at that! Bam! I'm shooting a poor balloon salesman... and stealing his balloons to get past the TSA. They're making me a fuggin' asshole!
:'''The Nerd''': At least you get to see Kevin take out airport security with a water fountain. And then they all just fall through the floor, while Kevin looks at you like, &quot;What the fuck?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Culkin''': This game is like... poop! From a... a buffalo butt!
:'''The Nerd''': Diarrhea, it's gotta be diarrhea! Just go for it!
:'''Culkin''': Okay! I got it...! I would rather do a human centipede with the Wet Bandits! Marv in my mouth, HARRY IN MY ASS! I'll turn them into the Sticky Bandits!
:'''The Nerd''': (disgusted) Augh, dude! Augh!
:'''Culkin''': No, think about it. Think about it. Close your eyes.
:'''The Nerd''': Naw, I-- No I don't....
:'''Culkin''': No....
:'''The Nerd''': And that's from the web series that brought you &quot;Shredder's my ass and Splinter's my balls!&quot;

== Season Thirteen ==

=== Chronologically Confused about Kingdom Hearts Timeline ===

=== Video Game Magazines ===

=== Aladdin Deck Enhancer (NES) ===
:'''The Nerd''': Aladdin took an upper-decker in my toilet!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': (after he plays the same Micro Machines game, he sighs) The games are exactly the same. There's no difference! The deck enhancer is an add-on that adds nothing! They sold you the same games with some assembly required. It'll be like getting a new sprayer for your garden hose, but it doesn't fit, unless you get some special adapter. So you buy the adapter, but the sprayer still doesn't fit. So now, you have to find a completely different sprayer that only exists in special stores, and then you find out it works the same as the old sprayer, doing a no better job washing away the horseshit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': That box is a prime example of false advertising. Upgrade your Ninfuckingtendo Entertainment System? More like UPPER DECKING IT! And that's not a joke. I mean it. It is the electronic equivalent of an upper-decker. With the Aladdin, the components that normally go inside an NES cartridge are instead deposited into the deck. In the same way, the turds, which are usually preferred to land in the toilet bowl, are instead dumped into the upper tank. Therefore when the toilet is flushed, the bowl fills with shit water, and after that, it's the shit that keeps on giving. Would you consider that an enhancement to your toilet? Well, give it a try, and you'll know EXACTLY what the Aladdin does to your NES! Why does the box say &quot;Aladdin is the future in console gameplay&quot;? The Sega Genesis and Super Nintendo were already out! That's like saying you invented a brand new car that's got new safety features, and uses clean energy, but it's got pillows tied to it and it runs on coal! This thing had no future at all! All the &quot;Coming Soon&quot; games were cancelled, and Camerica went out of business right after this thing was... released? (He weakenly laughs, then he shouts) They went out of business right after it was ANNOUNCED! (He stammers, then he picks up the box and gets hit by the instructions) I—it was a death sentence! A curse! A curse that shrouds its release status in all-consuming mystery! Not even the Gaming Historian found any clear proof that it ever got officially released. I mean, sure, it got made an—and discovered thanks to inventory liquidators and eBay, bu—but if this thing never officially came out, then not only did it not have any future... it didn't have any past, either! How am I supposed to take you back to the past, when there's no fucking past?! I have no business complaining about something that didn't even come out! I wasted my breath! Why did I have to find this thing?! Aahh, I might as well just be diggin' into the Devil's asshole! Fuck!
:''(The Genie appears filled with sewage from a septic tank that previously came from the Nerd's second wish.)''
:'''The Genie''': Hey, I'm back.
:'''The Nerd''': What are you doing back here?
:'''The Genie''': Look, man, I'm just here to grant your last wish so I can get out of here.
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, yeah, that's right. I get one more wish. Okay, well, for my last wish... I wish... you know, I think we've both suffered enough. Yeah, so... I wish... every Aladdin Deck Enhancer, on the whole planet Earth... will fucking explode.
:'''The Genie''': You got it, dude! Smell ya later!

=== Pepsiman (PS1) ===
:'''The Nerd''': (''given the PS1'' Pepsiman ''game'')  Well thanks Pepsiman, that's very interesting. But i have other junk food games like I could play, like ''Cool Spot''. (''Cool Spot'' is turned into ''Pepsiman'') Oh, come on! Oh well, I could always play ''Chester Cheetah''! (''Chester Cheetah'' is turned into ''Pepsiman'') Aw! Well how 'bout uh... ''Big Bumpin''? (Big Bumpin' ''is turned into'' Pepsiman) Aw, man... How 'bout uh... ''Kool-Aid Man''? (Kool-Aid Man ''is turned into'' Pepsiman) Goddammit, you silly fuck! I don't wanna play ''Pepsiman''! (''Pepsiman opens his mouth and hisses menacingly'') Okay, Jeez! I'll play ''Pepsiman''!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Mm-Mm, that's enough for me, this game's too monotonous! ''[Gets up to leave]''
:''[Pepsiman grabs the Nerd and forces him back onto the couch]''
:'''Pepsiman''': ''[Hisses angrily]''
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, dude, DUDE! Your breath! It smells like tooth decay! Here, have some Mentos! ''[Produces a packet of Mentos]''
:'''Pepsiman''': ''[Screams and retreats]''
:'''The Nerd''': Wow! Um... that worked Thanks to Mentos!
:''[Close-up of the Nerd with the Mentos logo]''
:'''Announcer''': Mentos! The Freshmaker!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': You know, Pepsiman is a rather sad tale. Pepsiman can make Pepsi for everybody... except himself.
:''[Pepsiman hangs his head sadly]''
:'''Singers''': ''[Pitched down]'' ''#PEPSIMAAAAN!#''

=== Superman 64 Returns!! ===
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, no! They move!! Why do they have to move?! Ooh, wow! Yeah, they really change it up!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Well, this is the ugliest digital Superman face I've ever seen! ''[a shot of Superman's face from [[Justice League (2017 film)|Justice League]], which was digitally edited to remove Henry Cavill's moustache]'' Second-ugliest.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': You wanna know the worst thing about those ring levels? Right when you're getting the hang of it, the game will glitch, and send you flying across the map - for no goddamn motherFUCKING reason! So y'have to backtrack or restart.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': If you get too far away, a Shadow Guy will spawn in front of her. And I am so sick of saying &quot;Shadow Guy&quot;!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': [after a weak boss battle] Again?
''[cut to even more rings]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[horrified]'' '''AGAIN?!''' ''[runs into the camera screaming]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[after the final boss battle]'' Y'wanna know somethin' else that's a real kick in the ass? In recent years, a ROM of the game surfaced which was of the unreleased PlayStation version, and it actually looks... alright. The levels look unique, the bad guys look cooler, the controls... don't seem great, but it looks like they work! According to Tit-us, after all the changes they were forced to make for the Nintendo version, their license ran out and they couldn't release it. Instead we got this rancid anus tart of a game vomiting green rings in our face! ''[the antennae-gold cartridge of Superman 64 begins to zap the Superman eyes as the Nerd looks at it and dodges as he grunts and groans thoroughly. He takes out the N64 console and zaps heat vision, slowly heading for the good games.]'' '''''NO-O-O-O-O!!''''' Please, don't! Don't hurt the good, innocent games! ''[takes out the Superman 64 cartridge from the N64, barely saving the good games, and then he breaks the cartridge in plastic. He sighs and [[w:Man of Steel (film)|cries out in agony]].]''

=== Life of Black Tiger with Gilbert Gottfried ===
:'''Fred Fuchs''': WHO THE FUCK GOES THERE? WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?! ANSWER ME, TOUGH GUY, OR I'LL BLAST A HOLE IN YOU SO BIG I CAN STICK MY COCK IN IT! (getting wistful) And I don't wanna brag, but...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Fred Fuchs''': Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just a guy who built a computer in the jungle without electricity or internet. I'm not educated enough for the guy WHO TALKS ABOUT BUFFALO SHIT IN HIS BASEMENT!
:'''The Nerd''': ...I guess that's a good point.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Fred Fuchs''': You might wanna be a bit nicer about the game, considering the fact THAT I'M THE ONE WITH THE MOTHERFUCKING RIFLE!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': &quot;Survive 'till the fixed time&quot;... What, were you fucking stoned when you wrote this?
:'''Fred Fuchs''': Yes.
:'''The Nerd''': Thought so.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Fred Fuchs''': Sometimes, you just gotta run like Hell from your problems.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Fred Fuchs''': It's an artistic interpretation of jungle life, you uncultured swine! I'm a goddamn artist, and this is my masterpiece! Obviously, too artsy-fartsy for your plebeian palate!
:'''The Nerd''': Aren't you doused in urine?
:'''Fred Fuchs''': From head to toe.

=== Chex Quest ===
:'''The Nerd:''' I really need to go food shopping somewhere besides eBay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Seems the game developers enjoyed working on this, and adding their own flavor! To a game... about a cereal... with no flavor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Yes, I'm sorry I didn't have more negative to say, I was really tryin' here, um... I know I haven't filled my curse quota for this episode, so... fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;BRUTAL CHEX!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt; It's Chex... on steroids! &lt;em&gt;ILLEEEGAL&lt;/em&gt; steroids! Made from broken glass, rusty fuckin' nails, and whole grain rice. This cereal will start your day... if it doesn't end your life! Fortified with calcium from the bones of fallen angel wings! The only cereal eaten by both God &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; Satan! It's a straight kick to your Muddy Buddies - and Brutal Chex turns your milk &lt;em&gt;RED, FROM YOUR OWN BLOOD&lt;/em&gt; POURING OUT OF YOUR &lt;em&gt;FUCKING SCREAMING MOOOOOOOUTH!&lt;/em&gt; (50 free hours of America Online included.)

=== [[w:Trespasser (video game)|Jurassic Park: Trespasser]] ===

=== [[w:The Immortal (video game)|The Immortal]] ===
:''[episode opens on magazine pages about The Immortal, along with the box and manual pages. Pan up, Nerd's hand slides the cartridge out of the shelf. He walks over to the floor, lifts the carpet to reveal a secret door, and opens it. The AVGN title card is shown, accompanied by the &quot;The Immortal&quot; title with blood splatter and malicious laughter.]''
:''[A dark dungeon, decorated with skulls and dangling chains. The Nerd appears, wrapped in a cloak and holding the cartridge.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Anguish. Lament. Oh, how hath ye been cursed if thou hath playeth a game as archaically, diarrhetically ''shit-holic'' as ''The Immortal'' on thy NES. Whence I came, my basement chamber above, where I desprayed such demeaning, failed electronic attempts at merriment, but when they're as loathly as thee, it is but I who has thus sworn to suffer as I descend deeper into the catacombs, a place where true shit goes to lie face-first down in smoldering decay; a place where sorrows exceed the souls, and vanquished beings meet their fate. Medieval torture, man; The head-crusher, the rack, the pendulum, the iron maiden, but none as dreadful as ''this.'' Behold.
:''[the game's demo is already playing on a small monitor. The Nerd walks over to it.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Reset, and here we go, the plight begins. Feast your eyes on this accursed nonsense. So, as soon as the game begins, it gives you a warning: &quot;It might be a good idea to move.&quot; Hmm. And it ''kills'' you. Right away, they pull something like ''that.'' At least, they warned you. But it might as well warn you the moment you put this game in, you're doomed... with life. So let's try it again. Into the next room. ''[3 seconds later]'' A-and look at that! They put that right there, right outside the door? Ohhh, one-hit death traps. That's real classy. Let's reset. Okay, here we go. Uh. So, this isometric angle definitely makes things a little difficult. When you're just moving the D-pad all over the place, it kind of just, you know, it's just a guessing game of which direction to push.
:And here we go, you fight the goblin, and it goes into this battle mode, and, to tell you the truth, in the dark ages of 8-bit entertainment, these graphics are a marvelous sight to laud. But, if thine playeth oneself, you shall hear upon cry the tears of despair and agony as thou realize thou caught in an eternal button-masher. Yeah, that's all you do; is just mash buttons. And the thing is, you have a fire attack. I mean, look at this, you can shoot fireballs, but that doesn't work against the goblins. But you talk to this guy here, and, um...yada-yada, forgive my haste. The important thing to know: he gave me a key. And then, I move on to the treasure chest, I use the key...to open the treasure, and I get...20 gold pieces. A bag of bait, and a sack of bad-smelling spores. Hmm. Well, we all know what ''this'' game's a bad-smelling sack of. So into the next room. Uh. As you can see, going diagonal is kinda tough. I'm gonna use the bait on this goblins. Let's just see what happens here. Do it? Yes, of course.
:''[the bait summons a worm that eats the character]''
:'''The Nerd:''' ''[shocked gasp]'' It ''kills'' you! Look, even the ''items'' kill you! ''Wow!'' Now that is a cheap shot. Alright, let's try again. Into the next room, and...dodge the fireballs-- I mean, not, the arrows...and whatever it throws your way. This game throws everything but the kitchen sink-- A-A-And look! Invisible pits?! Confound it all! Ohhh, I beg of you, have pity! Oh, wow, that's a good one. That's classic. Oh, boy. And the thing about this game is the familiar premise of controlling a wizard navigating through a labyrinth of dungeon cells brings to mind similar games like ''Gauntlet,'' or the obvious ''[The Legend of] Zelda.'' ''[chuckles darkly]'' But those examples only conjure up thy false jolly hopes. As thou seen in my lair above, the artwork in the Nintendo Power magazine and in the instruction manual look divine, but nay, it is but filth. The game is naught of all that is goodly, plagued with visuals cursing the eyes of ye of ill mortals to witness. The shades and hues hereupon are like the bile of a dying bear that consumed only skunks, smeared with the milk of a witch's tits, fused with garlic, and drew a dump. Yeah. And there's another goblin. Ugh, it's so repetitive, you just mash those buttons. Like a disorderly arfarfanarf. I'd rather be bescumbered with dysentery. That's worse than diarrhea because it includes blood and mucus. I'm sorry, that's disgusting, but so is this!
:''[a goblin appears behind the Nerd and roars. The Nerd yells in shock, runs to grab a cane from the floor and begins fighting the goblin ''The Immortal''-style.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Curse you, foul, abhorrent beast! ''[defeats the goblin, who drops to the floor.]'' Eureka! A key! ''[grabs the key from behind the goblin and discovers a door.]'' Yonder I shall go, as I proceed in my journey to further experience the tragedy of ''The Immortal.'' Why must it be I, cursed by the gaming gods, to endure this vomitorium? ''[unlocks the door.]'' Yeah, &quot;vomitorium&quot;. Yeah, that, that's an interesting word. It means, or it was thought to have meant a place where the ancient Romans would all vomit during feasts to make room for more food, but that's just a misconception. It actually means a large colosseum passage that large crowds can exit through rapidly. Such as large crowds of vomit particles rapidly exiting a mouth, ''gaping in misery over a '''foul, wretched video game!''''' Anyway, ''The Immortal.'' Let's go.
:''[the Nerd walks through the door and discovers a group of skeletons.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Death. It is all death here. It began as a gamer's revelry. Those making merry, to open the game on birthdays and holidays with the flames of excitement and adventure in their eyes, but as the agonizing torment set in, as the game mercilessly chastised and dominated them, the instinct to survive faded as the flames in their eyes diminished, and one by one, the revelers all dropped to their knees. Challenge is one thing, but in this game, every step can be deadly; Arrows, flames, giant worms, and there's bats that blend with the dark backgrounds. I mean, how can you avoid something which you cannot see? Trap doors are everywhere, which is a cheap shot, no question about it. I mean, can, can I walk here, or will the floor swallow me? I mean, you'll never know. There's no strategy; no reward for skill. Thou must play it repeatedly to memorize where the pits are. These invisible pits are nothing but a cheap, mean-spirited beginner's trap meant to elicit false and ill-earned replay value.
:'''The Nerd:''' And also, if you touch ''anything,'' you die. Step on the wrong floor tile, you die. Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-- You search the same spot more than once, you die. You approach a ladder or try to climb down a hole from the wrong side, you die. You stand still for too long, you die. You see some tiny little pixel that might be something you can pick up? Nay! Chances are it is but death! In other words, bullshit of the lowest standard. And as mentioned, even thine inventory kills you. When you can't even trust the items, what ''can'' you do? Your character is vulnerable to everything, and for a game called ''The Immortal,'' it begs the question: Who is The Immortal? Because it's certainly not the main character.
:'''The Nerd:''' At one point, in the very first level, you get an amulet, which has an incantation on it. You're given the chance to read it, but if you pick &quot;Yes&quot;, you die. However, the amulet is required to beat the level, so don't read that! But I repeat, the item, that is required to beat the level, can also kill you! How could you make a game in the year of 1990 following a wealth of other games and ignore all that was done previously right? ''What art thou thinking?'' This was made by Electronic Arts? More like Electronic '''''FAAAAAAARTS!'''''
:''[the Nerd drops down to the floor and rests near a stone.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Ugh. And, just-- Oh, for...fucking hell, this forsaken dungeon. And if you thought this torture couldn't get any worse, it does, by enlightening you on how the game could have been better. It was originally made for PCs, like the Apple IIGS, the Amiga, the Atari ST and Sega Genesis. And it's no surprise the Genesis version is better, but all of them had much cleaner graphics. I mean, they're bright and they look more crisp, and plus, the other versions, especially the Genesis, had gore! Yeah! Fatalities, years before ''Mortal Kombat.'' Heads get sliced off, and, look at that, bodies get cut in half vertically, heads explode. I mean, this is-- this game had balls, but it was neutered on the NES. And wouldn't you think the NES, the flagship of all nostalgic video game consoles, would be home to an acceptable version of this? It was a good game. It was a good game. It even-- It even had gore! And-- And I was just playing a bad version all along on the NES. Ugh. ''[sobs angrily]'' Why? Why?! Ugh!
:'''The Nerd:''' Ohh, I-- I can't take it anymore! I thought I knew shit, but nothing could prepare me for this repulsive dung heap! It's a repetitive task, going through the same motions, only to progress one inch closer to the goal. It taunts you; The game knows. It allows you to get one step slightly further. It's like running a hundred-meter dash, but with a bungee cord attached. As soon as you make it near the finish line, it ''yanks'' you back. It's a journey so far travelled, yet barely have you gone forward.
:'''The Nerd:''' And however, if you do make it to the end by some miracle, you have to face a dragon. That's right, it always ends with a dragon. So with this dragon, you're powerless to fight him; you can only use defensive maneuvers. So what you need to do here...is dodge...six of the, the fire breaths with six blink spells. Now, you only have six blink spells, so if you miss one, then you're done; you have to start over. And this dragon, sometimes it shoots the fire right away, other times it leans back and, like, fakes you out. So, you have to memorize the pattern. And that's not all. There's a seventh breath where you have to use the fire protection spell, and again, it's all at a ''very specific time.'' If you miss it, it's over. And that's what sums up this game: just memorizing patterns, and knowing which items to use in which order, i-it's all cryptic trial of error. Just like ''Dragon's Lair.''
:'''The Nerd:''' Ohh, ''The Immortal'' will live on forever as a sadistic, demented electronic mechanism of human suffering. Ohh! Some masochistic alchemist invented this concoction of death traps, awkward combat, stiff controls, items that kill you, constantly dying and starting over. It only leaves you with frustration, anger, sadness and crippling disappointment, emotions that belong nowhere near video games. And when the manual's more fun to read than playing the actual game, you ''know'' you're in trouble. I long for a time when I knew not what this game was. I long for the ''Big Rigs,'' the LJNs, the Fred Fuchs of yesteryear! I rue the day I ever became trapped in ''The Immortal,'' '''''a game where I've stared at the same room so long, the pixelated walls have become my eternal home! I RUE THE DAY I WAS BORN UPON THIS EARTH WHICH HAD SPAWNED SUCH PRIMORDIAL, PUTRID ENGINEERS CAPABLE OF CREATING SOMETHING SO APOCALYPTICALLY HORRID!''''' ''[puts his hands on his chest and moans]'' '''''NEVER SHALL I TOUCH A GAME LIKE THIS AGAIN! I'd rather have a warlord...SHOVE A MORNINGSTAR UP MY ASS!''''' ''[a light comes on from off screen]'' Ah. The light. I must escape. This way.
:''[the Nerd walks away from the wall, and into a cave, where he comes face to face with a growling dragon.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Oh! ''[ducks]'' Oh, good lord! ''[ducks]'' Ah! Ah! Begone, vile fiend! ''[ducks]'' Ahh! Oh, my-- It's futile. I can't win. Smite me, you will. Incinerate me! Banish me to Hell if you wish! ''If Hell is the way out, then Hell it shall be! '''AAAAH!'''''
:''[the Nerd falls to the dragon's fire. The dragon flows off screen.]''

=== Spawn Games ===

=== The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask ===

== Season Fourteen ==

=== Raid 2020 ===

=== Mortal Kombat 1 Ports ===

=== Mortal Kombat Rip-Offs ===

=== Dennis the Menace ===

=== The Incredible Crash Dummies ===

=== Bad Final Fight Games ===

=== Mission Impossible ===

=== Ecco the Dolphin ===

=== Countdown Vampires ===

=== The Legend of Kage ===

=== Taito Legends ===

=== The Simpsons: Bartman Meets Radioactive Man ===

== Season Fifteen ==

=== Shrek: Fairy Tale Freakdown ===

=== Darkman ===

=== Fear and Loathing in Vegas Stakes ===

=== 3DO Interactive Player ===

=== Corpse Killer ===

=== Sega Game Gear VHS Tapes ===

=== Carmaggedon 64 ===

=== Pac-Man 2: The New Adventures ===

=== The Rocketeer ===

=== Greendog: The Beached Surfer Dude ===

=== Commodore 64 ===

=== Freddy and Jason Commodore 64 ===

=== LJN Games Part One (Movie Games) ===

=== LJN Games Part Two (Sports and Marvel Games) ===

=== LJN Games Part Three (Wrestling and Other Games) ===

== Season Sixteen ==

=== The Last Ninja (NES) ===

== External links==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Angry Video Game Nerd, The}}
[[Category:Internet shows]]</text>
      <sha1>iuen6s5aijm64gz946n7ihzx6fai530</sha1>
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    <revision>
      <id>3153556</id>
      <parentid>3153553</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T13:51:35Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:6C5A:87F:E9B8:F148:6766:1C06:5805</ip>
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      <comment>/* Back to the Future */</comment>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="416212" xml:space="preserve">'''''[[w:The Angry Video Game Nerd|The Angry Video Game Nerd]]''''' is an Internet series based on a main character, the &quot;Nerd&quot;, created and portrayed by James D. Rolfe. In each episode, the Nerd reviews a terrible video game and rants about it using [[Profanity|profane language]]. Mike Matei helps Rolfe by playing guest characters in certain episodes (Bugs Bunny, The Joker, etc.). Kyle Justin sings and plays the theme song written by Rolfe.

The first two episodes were made in 2004 by Rolfe as a joke to his friends but in 2006, Matei suggested to Rolfe that it should become a regular series.

== Pilots ==

=== [[w:Castlevania II: Simon's Quest|Castlevania II: Simon's Quest]] ===

:''[First line of the series]''
:'''AVGN''': This game sucks. Castlevania I and III are great classic Nintendo games, but for ''[[w: Castlevania II: Simon's Quest|Castlevania II: Simon's Quest]],''  the game designers obviously were not thinking straight.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(complaining about how the game regularly interrupts itself with long, unskippable day-to-night transitions with a text box saying &quot;'''WHAT A HORRIBLE NIGHT TO HAVE A CURSE.'''&quot;)'' Why does this need to happen so often? Like, every five minutes? Why does it take so long? Nobody feels like sitting through this every time. How would you like it if you were playin' a game and then every five minutes I came over, and paused it, then counted ten tedious seconds, and then let you continue play the game? Now, I mean, why did they think that that would be a good idea and interrupt the gameplay, did they think it would be more realistic? I mean, in real life I don't have to stop in my tracks when the sun sets and a fuckin' box doesn't pop up in the air. I mean, this is one of the most annoying features in any game ever. What's the point? Yeah, the, I mean, the monsters are stronger at night and the stores are closed, but why's that necessary and why does the game have to stop? It's fuckin' retarded. And why do you have to die when you fall in the water? That's the stupidest thing I've ever seen. [[w:List_of_Castlevania_characters#Simon Belmont|This guy]] can go all over fightin' hordes of evil monsters, but he can't even fuckin' swim?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN:''' Oh, look, I finally got enough hearts to go and buy a plant that I need to cross the swamp, now let me get to the store. ''(nighttime falls)''  Oh shit, it's fuckin' night time, now the stores are all closed and I have to wait for it to turn day again. Oh well, I might as well kill some zombies in the meantime and stock up on some more hearts. ''(falls into water and dies)'' OH SHIT! Now I gotta start all over again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Here, in the dungeons, there's books that you may find which actually give you clues about things in the game that you may need to know about. But, when I find these books, half the time it's by accident, so I may hit the button and cancel it out which means I don't even get to read it and I don't have a second chance. Why can't I do that when it changes from day to night? That would actually be helpful. So, what the game designers figured is this: it isn't absolutely necessary for me to read about how to find Dracula's castle or what I'm supposed to do with an Oak Stake, but what I do need to read, again and again constantly, is: &quot;The morning sun has vanquished the horrible night&quot;. How about ''&quot;vanquished this horrible GAME&quot;?''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(using the password feature to skip to the end of the game and having to input 16 characters)'' The only sure way to get through this awful game is to enter a code, but even that is way more tedious than it should be. While most of the ''Castlevania'' games have symbols you enter for a code, this one just has a whole bunch of numbers. I mean, like, one of those [four-character]little parts would be enough for a password. But why four? Like why so many? In general, I hate games that have passwords like this, because sometimes they have uppercase and lowercase letters. Like the l's, you know, look like I's, the 0's look like O's, the 8's look like 5's so, why does there have to be so many digits? Y'know, like why can't it just be numbers or somethin'? Like, y' know, just numbers and not letters? I mean, it takes me, like, five minutes to enter this code when it should only take, like, five seconds. It's friggin' stupid. Okay, so, say we enter the code, and we go to Dracula's castle. You'll be pretty disappointed how anticlimactic this game is. It isn't even worth putting in a code, let alone playing the whole game all the way through, which, if you did, I feel bad for you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': What a piece of fuck. I mean, I feel horrible that I had to play this game in order to make this video, but I did it to demonstrate its dreadfulness and I forced myself to play it just so that you don't have to. So, you should thank me for telling you to stay away from this horrible steaming pile of goat fuck.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Thank you for listening, good night. The ending sucks too.

=== [[w:Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (video game)|Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde]] ===
:'''AVGN''':  ''[[w:Pong|Pong]]'' is better. Pong is only, like, three lines and a ball. Those little [[w:Tiger Electronics|Tiger]], like, electronic wrist games, ''those'' are better than Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. It makes no fucking sense! It's like, what were they thinking? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''[looking at the cartridge]'' Here it is, here's the piece of shit game. ''[looks at the price tag, which reads 89 cents]'' Who the hell spent this much fuckin' money on this game?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''':  I mean, if you ever find the game, if you ever see it, smash it. Smash it with a hammer. Smash it 'til every tiny fragment is, like, is so small it's invisible. I mean... you'd rather superglue your fuckhole shut than play that game. You'd rather drown in gasoline. You'd rather... you know, th-the thing is... you think I'm joking, like I'm trying to be funny or something. No, the fact that that game exists is a horrible abomination of mankind. That game is so fucking horrible, and I am not kidding. I am dead fuckin' serious. ''[close-up of the Nerd]'' DEAD... FUCKIN'... SERIOUS. ''[fade-out as the Nerd nervously laughs]''

== Season One ==

=== [[w:The Karate Kid (video game)|The Karate Kid]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': I ''hate'' this game. I mean, it makes me wanna kill myself. Now, the only comforting thing to know is that everybody seems to share my frustration. ''Karate Kid'' is a game, that has haunted many of our childhoods. I mean, everybody has the same story: &quot;I loved the movie, so I got the Nintendo game, and I couldn't stand it, yet I had to keep on playing it, because I had to beat it.&quot; So, what is it about this game, that's drawn so many unfortunate kids to turn into bitter adults, reminiscing on their angry childhood; screamin' at the TV, throwin' the controllers? I mean, anybody who has beaten this incredibly hard piece of shit will not have any sense of satisfaction but, rather regrets, because it is a complete waste of fuckin' time. I mean, it's like coming out of a brutal fight, being the winner, but achieving nothing for all your troubles but some bloody bruises and broken bones. It's just not worth it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': (''dies in a pit'') I hate this game, but why am I playing it? Well, that's the question everyone has asked themselves. And they all have the same reason: because you're angry and you wanna win. You wanna beat the Nintendo, but the cold fact is that nobody cares but you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Man, I guess they decided because the game's only four levels long, it better be the hardest four levels ever. Well, how 'bout this, how about if I made a game where there's just this one cliff you have to jump over and it's like nearly impossible, but if you do it, you win the game and that's it. I mean, what the hell were they thinkin' with this piece of shit? What the hell? Now, if you're a serious Nintendo collector, do yourself a favor, don't get this game, because it's not worth it. I mean, it's made many lives miserable and, y'know, if you see it on sale for a dollar, just stay away. Don't even touch it. ''[spits on cartridge and flushes it down the toilet.]''

=== [[w:Who Framed Roger Rabbit (Nintendo Entertainment System)|Who Framed Roger Rabbit]] ===
:'''AVGN''': ''(talking to a lady after punching her)'' &quot;'''CAN YOU HELP ME'''&quot;, &quot;'''GO AWAY, YOU HORRID MAN'''&quot;... how about &quot;Go away, you HORRID GAME!&quot;?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(gets game over and sees a 20 character password)'' And look at this! Th-this is the longest password ever! Would it have killed them to make this any shorter? It takes forever! Like, why should any game, take like ten minutes to type in the fuckin' password?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(calling Jessica Rabbit on the phone)'' This is Jessica Rabbit? Well, I got your number and I'm callin' just to say &quot;FUCK YOU!&quot;
:'''Jessica Rabbit''': I hope you're proud of yourself!
:'''AVGN''': Yeah, well, I hope you're proud of yourself, and you know what I mean, ya fuckin' whore.
:'''Jessica Rabbit''': I'm not bad. I'm just drawn that way.
:'''AVGN''': Yeah, well, wait 'til I draw your suicide note in your own blood, you bunny fuckin' bitch. I'm comin' over and I'm gonna kill you. I'm gonna kill your whole motherfuckin' family! ''(returns to playing the game)'' Alright, well now I got that out of my system, let's continue with the game.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': All right, the game sucks, end of story; I wanna nail Roger Rabbit to the fuckin' cross.

=== [[w:Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1989 video game)|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]] ===
:'''AVGN''': You may even think I'm tryin' to compare it to the sequels, which are far superior. Two-player, arcade action, beat up a bunch of Foot Soldiers. Good stuff. But, this first one is garbage

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': April O'Neil says: &quot;You have my support.&quot; Okay. What the hell did she ever do for you? Stupid banana raincoat wearin' bitch.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(in the sewers level, as an enemy causes the on-screen turtle to fall in rushing water)'' Ughhh, you son of a fuck! And you know what pisses me off? They're turtles, for fuck's sakes! They can't even swim?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Aw, you fuckrat! This is just a bunch of cockadookie, this is bullfuck.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Cowabunga... Cow-a-FUCKIN' PIECE OF DOGSHIT! This game is diarrhea comin' outta my dick! This game is as appealing as a fuckin' ooze-infested dirty fuckin' sewer rat shit! I've had more fun playing with dog turds! [[w:Shredder (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Shredder's]] my ass and [[w:Splinter (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Splinter's]] my balls! This game is an inside-out asshole regurgitating putrid anal fecal matter! I'd rather fuckin' yank all the hairs out of my scrotum! I'd rather drink diarrhea vomited out of a buffalo's anus! It suckin' fucks, it fuckin' sucks, IT FUCKIN' BLOWS, IT'S A PIECEASHIT... and I don't like it.

=== [[w:Back to the Future (NES video game)|Back to the Future]] ===
:'''AVGN''': ''(on the repetitive music)'' I'd rather have a fucking buffalo take a diarrhea dump in my ear than subject them to this horrendous garbage.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(on the nonsensical in-game representation of Hill Valley and all the obstacles Marty McFly must deal with)'' What happened here? Is this Hill Valley or is it Hell?
:'''Doc Brown:''' No, it's Hill Valley, although I can't imagine Hell being much worse!

&lt;hr width =&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Like, if I just shat into a bag, and wrote ''&quot;Back to the Future&quot;'' on it, that would be the same as this awful piece of fuck. It brings my piss to a boil. What a piece of shit! I'll never play it again, either. It's my last time. ''(scoffs)'' I'd rather eat out the rotten asshole of a roadkill skunk than play this game, ever again. And I'm dead serious, too. And do you know what's worse? You know what's - what's really worse? Guess what? There's a sequel!
:'''Marty:''' NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
:'''AVGN''': ''playing [[w:Back to the Future II &amp; III|Back to the Future II &amp; III]]'' Yes, it's true. ''Back to the Future II &amp; III''. Two fucky games for the price of one. Let's check it out.

=== [[w:M.C. Kids|M.C. Kids]] ===
:'''AVGN''': So there's Ronald with his magic bag... bag of hallucinogenic drugs. I always thought that clown was one scary motherfucker.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Then you go to Grimace's board. Here's Grimace, the big purple fuck. Look at his house! It looks like Barney the Dinosaur's testicle.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': It never ends with this game; it’s just like an infinite turd coming out of my ass.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(Explaining a 1-Up gathering trick)'' So if you have an hour to waste, then, there you go. Have fun. You're completely wasting your time, anyway, if playing this game, as I am. Let alone make a fucking video about it. Some people like to call 1-ups &quot;extra guys&quot; or &quot;free mans&quot;. I like to call 'em life insurance.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(At the end of the review)'' Toasty!

=== [[w:Wally Bear and the NO! Gang|Wally Bear and the NO! Gang]] ===
:'''AVGN''': And what's this button for? &quot;PRESS HERE&quot;? Seriously, press here? What for? I mean is it supposed to be telling you how to push the game down? Like, how to put the game into the system? Well, I-I can't really push on it when it's inside the Nintendo. You know, did they really think kids are that stupid? I mean, it should just say, &quot;PRESS HERE, YOU DUMB FUCK!&quot; Like some kid's gonna be like, &quot;Uhhh, duhh, how do I put the game in?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Back in the '80s, it seemed like there were all these characters tryin' to keep kids off of drugs. Whether it was [[w:McGruff the Crime Dog|Mcgruff]], or [[w:Pee-wee Herman|Pee-wee]], or [[w:Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue|the combined efforts of Alf, Michaelangelo, Bugs Bunny and Miss Piggy]] And... this game, I'm sure it didn't help kids stay off drugs at all. In fact, I'm sure the people who made it were on something. So, avoid it at all costs, unless... you are fucked up on drugs. So in that case, let's say NO to drugs... ''(drinking his Rolling Rock)'' and let's say NO to this fuckin' game.

=== [[w:Master Chu and the Drunkard Hu|Master Chu and the Drunkard Hu]] ===
:'''AVGN''': So, yeah, it's a weird game, and you can just tell just by the cartridge. It's one of those weird baby blue cartridges, so you can tell right of the bat that it's a big piece of fucking shit.
:'''Shit Pickle''': Pickle.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': There's only one reason to buy this game. And that's to be able to say, &quot;I own ''Master Chu and the Drunkard Hu'',&quot; so people can awkwardly stare at you.
:'''Shit Pickle''': Shit-pickle-shit-pickle-shit-pickle-shit-pickle.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(Shit Pickle plays the game.)'' So, what do you think?
:'''Shit Pickle''': Shit!
:'''AVGN''': Exactly.

=== [[w:Top Gun (video game)|Top Gun]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': (on the landing sequence) You know, it's like every time I get to this part, I think I might have a chance. This is gonna be it. I'm finally going to land the plane. ''(reading the on-screen directions)'' '''&quot;Speed down. Left, left. Speed up. Right, right! Speed up! Speed down! Left, left! Speed up! Speed down. Up, up! Up, up!&quot;''' I'm hitting up.
''[The Nerd sweats profusely getting closer to the TV. The plane misses the aircraft carrier and crashes into the ocean''.]
:'''The Nerd''': '''''ASSSS! FUUUUCK!'''''

=== [[w: Double Dragon III|Double Dragon III]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Ooh, I know what you're thinking. &quot;How dare you pick on ''Double Dragon''?&quot; But I'm not. [[w:Double Dragon|''Double Dragon'']]'s awesome! So is [[w:Double Dragon II|''Double Dragon II: The Revenge'']]. But ''Double Dragon III: The Sacred Stones'' is just a fucking waste.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(Playing the two-player game, on the introductory cutscene)'' Now, just like the one-player game, it starts off with the story sequence, but this time it shows both the Double Dragons, Billy and Jimmy Lee. Oh, wait... '''''Bimmy and Jimmy'''?'' How'd they make a mistake like this!? '''''Bimmy''''' isn't even a real name! How did this happen!? They didn't even proofread this shitty game before they released it? '''''Bimmy and Jimmy?''''' I'm sorry, I just can't get over that. '''''Bimmy and Jimmy.''''' There's a typo in a Nintendo game, let alone a fucking ''Double Dragon'' game, and it's the first screen!

=== [[w:Friday the 13th (NES game)|Friday the 13th]] ===
:'''AVGN''': Oh, fffuck! Look at the map. I've just been walkin' in the wrong fuckin' direction. What a wonderful game! The bare basics of left and right do not apply. And that's why this game is so great, because it's free from all logic. Logic is for pussies!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(commenting on the game over screen)'' That's ingenious. That's... the best Game Over screen I ever saw. For real, I'm actually being dead serious! DEAD FUCKIN' SERIOUS. That's brilliant, right? ''(looks at Jason)'' &quot;You and your friends are dead. Game Over.&quot; It's priceless. Like, I can't believe it! Isn't that a mean thing to say to kids? Nobody ever ''dies'' in Nintendo. They're either &quot;defeated&quot; or they... turn into an item and like, float away. But here comes a game, like ''Friday the 13th'', that just cuts the bullshit, shows some balls, comes flat out and says: &quot;You're fuckin' dead... ''and'' your friends, too.&quot; Beautiful. And what if there was a sequel? It would have to say somethin' even worse. Like, I got it. I got a good idea of what it should say. It should say:
:'''&quot;You're dead.'''
:'''Your friends are dead.'''
:'''Your family's dead.'''
:'''Your fuckin' pets are bein' skinned alive.'''
:'''Your mom's a fuckin' whore.'''
:'''You suck at life.'''
:'''The whole world hates you.'''
:'''You're goin' to hell.'''
:'''Live with it.'''
:'''Game Over.&quot;'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I'd rather play ''Doom'' on Atari. I'd rather play ''Halo'' on a Tiger Electronics wrist game. I'd rather drown in diarrhea. I'd rather fuckin' eat my fuckin' balls off and puke 'em out my fuckin' ass! I'd rather piss a cactus out of my dick! The music is fuckin' worse than life itself, and I'd turn the volume down except for the fact that I have to hear the Jason Alarm! It's all just a test of patience, and it can kiss ''my fuckin’ asshole!''

=== [[w:A Nightmare on Elm Street (video game)#video games|A Nightmare on Elm Street]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': Could the villains be any more stock? Like, we have this creepy game about Freddy. What kind of creepy characters can we add? Well, how about bats, ghosts, spiders, skeletons, Frankensteins for the kiddies? Could it be any more un-creative than that? Like, why don't they just add some witches, black cats, and flying jack-o'-lanterns? They should've just called the game &quot;Boo! Haunted House!&quot; Which is probably what they originally had in mind, until they thought, &quot;No, wait, make it about [[w:Freddy Kreuger|Freddy]]. We already ruined ''Friday the 13th,'' now let's do the same thing to ''Nightmare on Elm Street.&quot;'' And that's right. It's by the same company. We're not gonna say who it is, but it stands for &quot;[[w:LJN|Laughin' Jokin' Numbnuts]].&quot;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, God! Is Freddy comin'? He sure is! Of all the shitty things in this game, this screen is so cheesy that it's just awesome. But it's ruined by the fuckin' trademark symbol! ''[zooms in on the trademark symbol next to Freddy's name]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': You know what's really weird? That this game was actually capable of a 4-player mode using an accessory that allows four controllers to be connected to your Nintendo Entertainment System? Now, I can't imagine having four people playing this game. Who's gonna want to play this piece of shit? I'm lucky if I can get one other person! I have a better chance of cloning myself.
:''[Four Nerds play the game together, yelling things such as &quot;This is fuckin' fuck!&quot;, &quot;It's diarrhea fuck!&quot;, &quot;This game is horrible!&quot;, &quot;Diarrhea fuck.&quot;, &quot;It sucks!&quot;, &quot;It's fuck!&quot;, &quot;It's balls!&quot;, &quot;What a piece of fuck.&quot;, &quot;What a fuckload of fuck.&quot;, and &quot;What a piece of fuckin' fuck.&quot;]''
:'''Back Nerd''': Hey, wait. Wait, wait, wait. I just cloned myself. I'm in a dream, I can do whatever I want, so why don't we all just stop playin' this fuckin' game?
:'''Left Nerd''': Yeah.
:'''Back Nerd''': So, the fuck with that fuck.
:'''Right Nerd''': Yeah, the fuck with that... godfuckingdamn fuck.
:'''True Nerd''': The fuck with that godfuckingdamn... '''''fuckin'''''' fuck.
:'''Left Nerd''': &lt;big&gt;'''''THE FUCK WITH THAT GODFUCKINGDAMN MOTHERFUCKIN' BULLFUCK!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''True Nerd''': Relax.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Freddy Krueger''': Whoa! Look at me! I'm the fuckin' Nerd! What a piece of fuck! Buffalo diarrhea fuckfarts! You see, Nerd? Nobody makes you play these games but yourself. So, you're your own damn nightmare. Now, you're gonna die.
:'''The Nerd''': Go yank your cock through your fuck, you fuckin' butt mongrel: I got the ''Power Glove!''

=== [[w:Power Glove|Power Glove]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': [[w:The Wizard (1989 film)|I love the Power Glove. It's so bad.]] And I mean ''bad''. This thing is bad. Why need a glove to play a game? What's wrong with this? ''[grabs the regular NES controller]'' Huh? I don't know. I thought this was okay, playing it, you know, with a controller. So if anything, the Power Glove, it's an interesting experiment in gaming technology. But too bad they were just fuckin' jerkin' off! Like, why does it suck so bad? Well, I have one complaint, ''[flashes middle finger]'' ''one fuckin' complaint'' about this glove; It doesn't work.  Now, what's the most important aspect about any game? Well, being able to fuckin' play it!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[Plays [[w:Jackal (video game)|Jackal]] and reads the opening screen's text]'' &quot;'''This battle will make your blood boil. Good luck!'''&quot; &quot;Good luck&quot; is right. I'm using the fuckin' Power Glove.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[plays [[w:Rad Racer|Rad Racer]] with the Power Glove]'' You know what's really cool about ''Rad Racer?'' That if you push &quot;Select&quot;... ''[pushes &quot;Select&quot;]'' ...the game goes ''3D.'' I'm playing ''Rad Racer'' with the Power Glove ''and'' 3D glasses. Ya can't get any more rad than that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Wow. Playing ''[[w:Top Gun (video game)#Original releases|Top Gun]]'' with the Power Glove. [[The Angry Video Game Nerd#Toxic Crusaders|It's like pukin' on a pile of shit]]. [in-game, &quot;'''TO LANDING SEQUENCE'''&quot;] Oh, my God. What the fuck am I doing? I'm tryin' to land the plane in Top Gun with the Power Glove? I can't even land it with the regular controller. ''[he manages to successfully land the plane; surprised, he takes a quick glance at the Power Glove, and looks back at the screen]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': If you want to bring a totally new element of challenge to your Nintendo games, try the Power Glove, 'cause it sure makes everything a lot harder. It's just a barely functional contraption designed to rip off little kids. It's the biggest scam since the Atari 5200 controller. The only kids who owned this were usually the richer ones who thought they were cool. Well, they're not cool. I'm not cool, either. Look at me. You think I'm cool? I've got a fuckin' glove on my hand. I'm tryin' to play a fuckin' game with it. I look like an idiot with [[w:A Fistful of Dollars|a fistful of fuck.]] ''[pretends to shoot his fingers off with the grey 1985 NES Zapper, leaving only his middle finger, which he flashes.]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Now you're playing with power. Now you're playing with fuckin' fuck! You're better off fuckin' fuck than fuckin' with this fucked-up fuck! Fuck this fuck! You don't know fuck about how fuckin' fucky this fuckin' fuck is! It's so bad it sucks. It's so fuckin' suck it fucks! And I...can't take it anymore. ''[holds bottle of Rolling Rock which he drinks while wearing the Power Glove, accompanied by the &quot;Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!!&quot; Game Over Theme]''

=== Chronologically Confused ===
:'''AVGN''': ''(talking about the [[w:Mega Man|Mega Man]] series)'' What's this? Mega Man Battle network series? [[w:Mega Man 64|Mega Man 64]]? Did they really make it that far? No, that was just the Nintendo 64's stupid gimmick of putting 64 at the end of every fucking title.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': So when [[w:Final Fantasy VII|Final Fantasy VII]] came out, they just called it Final Fantasy VII and that's when the confusion began. I wondered what the fuck happened to IV V and VI?! But what I really should've been wondering, little did I know, what the fuck happened to II III and V? And once I figured that out, I was like,&quot;So there were other Final Fantasy games we didn't know about?&quot; I was playing VI all along and not III? What a fuckin' bunch of fuckin' bullfuck!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The Star Trek series did the same thing. Right now, there's ten of them. Star Trek I-VI were all numbered. But when they stopped using the original cast from the show and started using the cast from Star Trek: The Next Generation, they dropped the numbers from the films and called them: Star Trek Generations, Star Trek First Contact, Star Trek Insurrection and Star Trek Nemesis. Okay, well that's real fine. But where did the fucking numbers go? If they couldn't call Star Trek Generations, Star Trek VII then why didn't they call it Star Trek The Next Generation off the show and then call the next one Star Trek The Next Generation II and just start a new line of sequels? 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The title of [[w:Bruce Lee|Bruce Lee's]] first film was called ''[[w:The Big Boss|The Big Boss]]'', but when they released it in the U.S., the American distributors or whoever was responsible decided to change the title to ''Fists of Fury''. Well okay, that's just fine, but the next one happened to be called ''[[w:Fist of Fury|Fist Of Fury]]''. So, uh oh, we fucked up! What are we going to call it here in the U.S.? We can't call it ''Fist of Fury'' because we changed the last one to ''Fists of Fury''. Call it ''The Chinese Connection'' and from now on, just call the movies whatever the fuck they're originally called.

=== [[w:Rocky (1987 video game)|Rocky]] ===
:'''AVGN''': ''(Regarding the training sequences)'' Cock-a-fuckin'-doodle-ass-shit-suckin'-bullfuck! This is fuckin' boring!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(On the convoluted controls as described in the game manual)'' So did you get that? Well, let me sum it up. It stinks!
:'''Rocky''': That's right, it stinks!
:'''AVGN''': It's a bunch of putrid anal shit coming out of a rhinoceros' asshole. It fucks up the fuck, fucks out the mouth, piss out the nose, dookie out the ear, diarrhea out the dick, fucks for the birds! The control in this game... is pooh-pooh.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': This game is fuck. I'd rather take a bath in elephant feces. I'd rather eat raw eggs.

=== Bible Games ===
:'''AVGN''': ''(Playing [[w:Bible Adventures|Bible Adventures]], reviewing &quot;Noah's Ark&quot;; regarding the character Noah, who literally picks up animals and puts them in the ark in the game)'' I just can't get over that. He's an old man, and not only does he pick the animals up, he lifts them over his head! It doesn't even slow him down. How could such an old man be so strong? Have you ever tried to lift a horse? Not that easy. What the shit!? Let alone a horse and an ox!? Or fuck! A horse, a cow, and two oxen!? What the fuckin' shit!? Noah's so goddamn strong, he puts [[w:The Incredible Hulk|The Hulk]] to shame. And the poor creatures, they're so scared shitless, they don't even try to get away. Noah, man. Nobody fucks with him. Not even [[w:Chuck Norris|Chuck Norris]]!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(Reviewing &quot;David and Goliath&quot;)'' And you know what? All three games use the same music. You'd rather listen to your own infant son puking to death. That is, choking on his own puke-chunks. ''(long pause)'' That's disgusting. I apologize.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(reviewing [[w:Bible Buffet|Bible Buffet]] on NES, responding to its in-game voice clips)'' That voice is just crazy! I-I dunno what it is, but it just sounds out of place. Not that anything is ''in'' place, but I dunno. It's so rare to hear such a clear voice in a Nintendo game. But I suppose it's also rare for Nintendo to have a Bible game with no references to the Bible, resembling Atari, that's all about food trying to kill you, yet it's also a board game rip-off with quizzes that you can't answer, and, if it's a Bible game, why do you blow a snowman's head off? Whatever happened to &quot;[[Book of Exodus|Thou shall not kill]]&quot;? Please, somebody tell me! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''[ [[w:Invisible Touch (song)|Invisible Touch]] is heard in the background]'' So let's play another bible game. It's the Book of Genesis on [[w:Sega Genesis|Sega Genesis]]. And the soundtrack is [[w:Genesis (band)|Genesis]]. ...I'm just making this up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''[Playing [[w:Super 3D Noah's Ark|Super Noah's Ark 3D]]]'' Listen to how cheerful the music is. ''(Theme from Super 3D Noah's ark plays)'' Wow, that's great. It's just what you need is some really upbeat music to go along with Noah getting murdered by a bunch of fucking goats!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I’d rather fuck a porcupine and shove a cactus up my ass! I'd rather slurp crap oozing out of a warthog's anus-hole! It's just a bunch of poopy diarrhea doodoo ass-shit!

== Season Two ==

=== [[w:Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III Part One]] ===

:'''The Nerd''': (sighs) ''Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III'' ''(he slaps the tape back into its case as it starts to fall out)'' SUCKS SHIT! Not even regular shit. Putrid, barfed-out roadkill diarrhea shit. Now you might be sayin', &quot;Well that's your opinion.&quot; Well yeah, it is. It's my opinion, that it's a motherfuckin' fact, that this pile of dog shit called ''Ninja Turtles III'' is the most god-awful disgrace in human existence! Now, I know you've seen a lot of bad movies. But, no, let me tell you, this movie is '''BAD.''' Like, how bad? Like, is it the worst of the ''Turtles'' trilogy? Oh, undeniably, but that's not the point. My point, is that this is the worst fuckin' movie I've ever seen in my life! Now, I can tell you from the perspective of a 12-year-old and a 26-year-old, that it needs to rot in Hell, in Satan's asshole. Now what I mean by that is I was 12 the first time I saw the movie, in the theaters in 1993, and I was such a big Turtle fan, I just accepted it. I just held the truth inside. And, you know it's just been tearin' away at me all these years. And now, lookin' back at it, I just gotta come clean and honest, man. I just gotta let it all out. THIS MOVIE... is '''FUCKIN' TERRIBLE!''' ''(punches the tape)''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': &quot;Why was there no subtitle in the movie?&quot; They subtitled the last movie. Well, I have an answer. Look under that title. You see that blank, empty space? Let that be an indication of the blank, empty imagination employ within and the void it left in our hearts.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(criticizing the inferior animatronics)'' Is this movie made for little kids? Well, I guess it is, so the joke's on me. The worst of all is Splinter. He looks like fuckin' roadkill! And I guess they never finished him because you only see his upper body. He's like a puppet that should be used on Sesame Street. Even worse is his voice!
:'''Splinter''': Have patience, my son.
:'''AVGN''': What an assload of fuck! Well, everything sucks.

=== [[w:Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III Part Two]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''[on Walker's death scene]'' Now, I gotta pause this because I gotta ask, how many times have you seen this shot in a movie? Way too fuckin' much. It was one of the biggest clichés of the time. What happened at the end of Batman? The Joker falls, same shot. What happens at the end of Dick Tracy? Big Boy falls, same thing. But Turtles III takes this cliché to a whole new level. I mean, a whole new level. Watch what happens when Walker hits the water.
:''[Walker screams while he falls to his death, and the water splashes]''
:'''The Nerd''': Did you see that? Here it goes again.
:''[The scene is repeated]''
:'''The Nerd''': There's no splash. Instead, he disappears. But he doesn't disappear. He like, implodes into himself. I'm really stunned, like why'd they do this? They couldn't do a special effect for a splash? But, what they could do is make him implode. Now, if you couldn't make a splash, why couldn't you just cut away, and then, just leave the sound of the splash? That would've actually been more effective. I can re-edit it right now. Watch.
:''[Walker screams while he falls to his death, and the scene cuts to the Turtles with the sound of the splash intact]''
:'''The Nerd:''' See? That's all they had to do, so why make the weird imploding effect? What were they thinking?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Cowabunga. Cowa-fuckin'-piece-of-dog-fuck! I'd rather watch fuck oozing out of a buffalo's fuckhole. I'd rather fucking puke diarrhea up my dick. It fucking sucks so much fucking suck, it fucks. It fucking sucks so much cocksucker motherfucker bullfuck that...well, something must be done.
:''[The Nerd takes the movie, looks at it, then sets on floor before taking out a katana. He braces it, aims it, then splits the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III VHS tape in two. Then he switches to a hammer.]''
:'''The Nerd''':  IT'S HAMMER TIME!
:''[He smashes the video until all of it is smashed to bits, and he sighs angrily. The camera pans to see the destruction of the VHS copy of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III, accompanied by the level complete music from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for the NES, before the scene fades to black.]''

=== [[w:Atari 5200|Atari 5200]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Look at how huge this beast is, it's ginormous! And why is there a door on it? Is this a video game console, or a fucking closet? Even the AC Adapter weighs a million tons.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': What's the most important aspect about any fucking game? Well, being able to fucking play it. And what do you need to fucking play it? A fucking controller! So what do you do when the controller doesn't work? You're fucked! This is the reason the system failed. ''This.'' In the name of God, Heaven and Hell; everything in between, every creature on Earth; by the far reaches of the Galaxy; by the inner rings on the Universe and... every Megaverse and the Ultraverse, let it be known. Let the word be known. This controller... is ''fuckin' horrible''!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Then there's all these numeric buttons. Like, what the shit is this? Is this thing a phone? Like, what is all this for? Is it, like, talking to intergalactic space aliens, flying fuckernauts or astrobastards?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''[unable to play the Atari 5200 due to defective controllers]''  As for the 5200, there's third party controllers made for replacing the shitty controller that the system came with. So let's take a trip into the cyber world known as the internet and take a look. ''[Goes to his computer and the Ebay website. Finds a listing that says &quot;ATARI 5200 CONTROLLER - Works fucking better!&quot;]''

=== [[w:Ghostbusters (video game)|Ghostbusters]]===
:'''The Nerd:''' So, I just wanted to take you back to the '80s, when ''Ghostbusters'' and Nintendo were the best things in the world. Now, the Nintendo Entertainment System, I believe needs no introduction. So, when we heard that a ''Ghostbusters'' '''game''' for Nintendo was coming out, we were so excited we shit our pants. Literally, ''shit'' came out our asses and we rocketed through the roof! It was two of our favorite things comin' together, should have been like bread and butter. But more like dead skunk and dog shit! ''(He inserts the cartridge into the NES.)'' You pop this piece of crap in, expecting ''Ghostbusters,'' and whaddya get? Well, ''Ghostbusters''. Got the logo there, looks promising enough. But are you willing to bet that it's gonna get really bad once you start playin'? Yeah, well, guess what? It gets bad as soon as you press the Start button. ''(The Nerd presses the Start button) '' ''(an extremely low-bit &quot;GHOSTBUSTERS!&quot; sound can be heard on the TV)'' The fuck was that?! ''(the low-bit &quot;GHOSTBUSTERS!&quot; repeats)'' &quot;Gowsht Bushterrrsh!&quot; ''(the low-bit &quot;GHOSTBUSTERS!&quot; repeats again)'' Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not tryna to criticize the game for its lack of voice clarity, but ya hear how bad this sounds? Let this set the tone for the rest of the game.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(Game starts)'' So, here's the main screen. This is it. This is ''Ghostbusters'' on Nintendo. This is my wasted childhood you're lookin' at. I don't even need to comment. Just look at it, it's shits for the birds! Okay, we gotta come up with a game about ''Ghostbusters'', what can we do? How about just have the ''Ghostbusters'' logo floatin' around playin' tag with cute, little yellow ghosts? So if you like ''Ghostbusters'', it's right up your alley. More like up your ASS!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Does there exist any store that sells... a ghost vacuum? Let's find out. ''(The Nerd turns on his cellphone and punches in a phone number)''
:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;Hi, do you sell vacuums?&quot;
:'''Manager:''' &quot;Uh, yes.&quot;
:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;Um, yeah, uh, I'm lookin' for a special kinda vacuum. It's like, shaped like a funnel, sorta.&quot;
:'''Manager:''' &quot;Hmm, what kind of vacuum?&quot;
:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;It's like, shaped like a funnel, like you put it on the roof of your car.&quot;
:'''Manager:''' &quot;You want a vacuum to clean your car?&quot;
:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;No, you put it '''on''' the top of your car... like while you're drivin'...?&quot;
:'''Manager:''' &quot;To, t-,t-, you want a vacuum to clean?&quot;
:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;No, y'know, these vacuums are for catchin' ghosts...&quot; ''(The Nerd struggles to contain laughter)''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Oh please, Game Genie, grant me three wishes!

=== [[w:Ghostbusters video games|Ghostbusters Followup]] ===

:'''The Nerd''': ''[when he talks about the ending of Ghostbusters on NES]'' Well, first of all, &quot;'''Conglaturation !!!'''&quot; is spelled wrong, but it's not even a simple typo. Two letters in two different places are wrong which probably means they really didn't know how to spell it. So that's 20 points off for that just because it's such an atrocious misspelling. But then why isn't it plural? You don't usually say &quot;Congratulation.&quot;, you say &quot;Congratulation''s''&quot;. So technically it's got nothing to do with the spelling, it's a different error altogether. So that's another ten points for that. Then, &quot;'''You have completed a great game.'''&quot;!? Well that's just simply wrong, 20 points for that statement. Even if it was a great game, it shouldn't have to announce it. So then you have a punctuation error, because the next sentence begins with &quot;'''And'''&quot;. Then you got an extra O in &quot;'''prooved'''&quot;. And proved what? &quot;'''prooved the justice of our culture.'''&quot;? So it's saying that you proved that our culture has justice? I don't know. &quot;'''Now go and rest our heroes !'''&quot; Instead of &quot;Now go and rest, comma, our heroes&quot;, it's telling you to go rest our heroes. Okay, well, sorry to say but we had to take off 90 points. But hey, a score of 10% means that there's still hope. But wait, is there any reason that there's one exclamation mark here (at Heroes !) and then there's three up there (after Conglaturation !!!)? That's another 10 points off for lack of consistency with a total score of zero. F-minus. It should have said...

:'''Congratulations!'''
:'''You had the patience to sit through this awful game.'''
:'''You proved your nerdiness.'''
:'''Now go fuck yourself!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''The Nerd''': ''(reviewing ''Ghostbusters'' on the Sega Master System, commenting on how the controllable logo leaves black dots on the streets it crosses)'' I don't exactly understand the idea of dropping poop everywhere you go. Thought the Ghostbusters are in a car, not a horse and buggy.

=== [[w:Ghostbusters video games|Ghostbusters Conclusion]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''[Playing [[w:Ghostbusters II (NES)|''Ghostbusters 2'']] for [[w:Nintendo Entertainment System|NES]], commenting on its level setup]'' And that's what I'm fuckin' talking about. ''Ghostbusters'' should be nothing more complicated than just running around, zapping ghosts! So it's a huge, '''''huge''''' improvement over the first game. But that's not saying much. It still sucks monkey fuck and pukes diarrhea up your fucking asshole. And that's interesting, because the movie [[w:Ghostbusters II|''Ghostbusters II'']] is definitely inferior to the first one. So, I guess the formula works like this: A good movie equals... a shitty, fuckin' game. ''But,'' ''[throws game to ground]'' a ''not''-so-good movie equals a game... that's not ''as'' shitty.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' It's also stupid that A shoots slime, and B jumps. Usually, it's the other way around. As for Start and Select, they don't do donkey dick. Usually Start is &quot;Pause&quot;, but here, there's no fuckin' way to pause the damn game. ''[throws controller to the floor]''
:'''The Nerd''': I mean, if you've gotta go answer the phone, or take a shit, it's like, tough shit if you gotta take a shit! You gotta take a quick shit! You gotta have turbo turds! I'm trying to play the game, I got shit stains in my pants, and an answering message on my phone that says, &quot;Sorry. I'm playing ''Ghostbusters 2'' on Nintendo.&quot; What a selfish game. BOTTOM LINE, HAVE A FUCKIN' PAUSE BUTTON! GODDAMMIT! ''[throws an Ecto-1 toy to the ground]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[reviewing ''Ghostbusters'' on [[w:Sega Genesis|Sega Genesis]]]'' I like this? I can't believe what I'm saying.
:'''The Nerd''': I think the world is coming to an end. Seriously, like [[Ghostbusters|fire and brimstone coming down from the skies. Rivers and seas boiling! 40 years of darkness! Earthquakes! Volcanoes! The dead rising from their graves! Human sacrifice, dogs and cats livin' together, mass hysteria!]] But don't worry, I'll find something about it that sucks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' Guess what the toughest enemies in the game are? Coffee cups. You'd think they'd shatter after just one hit, but no. They take forever to break. I don't get it. Lots of the enemies are just annihilated after just one hit, but not those. Don't fuck with the coffee cups.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' The boss battles are cool, although sometimes really random, like this blue guy that comes apart. Come on, die! Alright-- Oh, he's still got a head! Yeah! You got the crystal monkey man, the evil snowman, the fire dragon, the flame guy, the face that emerges from the wall, the woman who multiplies into three; gotta shoot the real one. Then there's the Grim Reaper who looks like Dracula from [[w:Castlevania II: Simon's Quest|''Castlevania II,'']] then there's the plant which reminds me of [[w:The Little Shop of Horrors|''Little Shop of Horrors,'']] which is an interesting connection because [[w:Rick Moranis|Rick Moranis]] starred in [[w:Little Shop of Horrors (film)|the remake]], and he was Louis in ''Ghostbusters.'' Then you got Stay Puft who relentlessly attacks you during the stage, but then at the end, you finally get to punish him for all the shit he put you through. Die! Die! Get him, get him, get him, get him, get him, get him! Yeah! He's dead as shit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' In a sea of terrible ''Ghostbusters'' games, this one ''[Ghostbusters for Sega Genesis]'' stands out, and it's still fun to play. If you can somehow get your hands on it, I'd check it out.
:'''The Nerd''': So, this concludes my 3-part review of all the ''Ghostbusters'' games that I can get my hands on. Is it kinda ironic that I end on one that's actually kinda decent? I don't know. I mean, is it anymore ironic that [[w:Lorenzo Music|the same guy who did the voice for Garfield]] did the voice for Peter Venkman in the ''Ghostbusters'' cartoon? Well, Bill Murray was a live-action Peter Venkman, and he also did the voice of Garfield in [[w:Garfield: The Movie|the movie]].
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' And one more thing: ''[[w:Ghostbusters: Afterlife|Ghostbusters 3]]''. Is it ''really'' gonna happen? ''Should'' it happen? Well, if they made ''The Santa Clause 3,'' ''Free Willy 3,'' ''Home Alone 3,'' ''Psycho 3,'' ''The Neverending Story 3,'' ''Problem Child 3,'' and about ten thousand ''Scary Movie'' and ''American Pie'' sequels, all the crap that gets shat out of Hollywood's big fat fuckin' ass, I don't see why ''Ghostbusters 3'' shouldn't get made. I grew up with those movies. I would love to see those guys put on the proton packs one more time. Even if the whole movie's just the Ghostbusters sittin' around takin' a shit, I'd go see it.

=== [[w:Spider-Man video games|Spider-Man]] ===

:'''Kyle Justin as Spider-Man:''' ''(on ''Spider-Man'' on Atari 2600)'' '''THIS GAME SUCKS MY SPIDER-BALLS!''' IT'S HORRIBLE!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(on ''Spider-Man: Return of the Sinister Six'')'' The game's ''Spider-Man: Return of the Sinister Shit''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Spider-Man:''' ''(hitting himself with the Game Boy in frustration)'' What the fuck is wrong with these game designers?! They don't know what the fuck they're doing! I can't believe they did this to me! They made a game out of me and it's fuckin' shit!! IT'S HORRIBLE! ''(throws the Game Boy to the ground)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Spider-Man:''' ''(while AVGN jokes about the pizza-delivering objectives early in ''Spider-Man 2'' on Game Boy Advance)'' I'm a super hero. I shouldn't be known as a pizza delivery man.
:'''AVGN''': I wish Spider-Man would deliver my pizzas every day.
:'''Spider-Man:''' ''(raises middle finger to AVGN)'' I'm gonna fucking shove a pizza up your fuckin' ass!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Kyle Justin:''' (singing to the tune of the Spider-Man theme song)
:''Spider-Man, Spider-Man''
:''Takes a dump in a coffee can''
:''Plays some games with a grudge''
:''Gonna shit out some anal fudge''
:''Look out, here comes some shitty games''
:''Alcohol is his power source''
:''Takes a piss like a drunken horse''
:''Climbs a wall, then he falls''
:''This game sucks his spider-balls''
:''Oh no, he's playing the shitty games''
:''When he plays his games''
:''He feels so ashamed''
:''He shoots web from his wrist''
:''But now Spider-Man's fucking pissed''

=== [[w:Sega CD|Sega CD]] ===

:'''The Nerd''':  Wow. It's like you get to play the games on a CD! Check out the graphics! Full motion video, opposed to video that ''isn't'' full motion! 64 simultaneous colors! 12.5 MHz processor! '''''Holy shit!''''' This thing is total '''''FUCKIN' GAR-BITCH!''''' How would you like it if I conduct the rest of the video like this? ''(screen becomes smaller and the video choppier, like the Sega CD's &quot;FMV.&quot;)'' &quot;Full motion video&quot;, my fuck! I'd rather be full fuckin' screen!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So you put the fuckin' game in, and oh, guess what? It runs off of its own power adapter. Yeah, that's two. One for the Genesis and one for the Sega CD. If it can't run off the same power, why couldn't it just be its own independent system? Instead it's like a fuckin' parasite or somethin'. Then there's this problem: the load time. Load of fuck! You could go dump your fuck in the fucking time it takes. So if you're gonna play the Sega CD, grab a fucking beer and be patient.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[[w:The Adventures of Willy Beamish|Willy Beamish]]''. The teacher talks to you, and you come up with answers. Should I say, &quot;Oh, that was my frog, Horny.&quot;? The frog's name is &quot;Horny&quot;?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd: '''Now we got ''Sol-Feace''. More like ''Sol-Feces''! Well, holy shit, I gotta be honest. It reminds me of ''R-Type'' or ''LifeForce'', and that's pretty cool, so all I gotta say is, this one's not bad.

=== [[w:Sega 32X|Sega 32X]] ===

:'''The Nerd''': The Sega CD had its place in history. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's a piece of shit. But it had a certain appeal. The 32X is the real deal. It sucks. Oh God, it sucks. You plop it on the top of the Genesis, like they're mating. God, I mean, do you think that's enough add-ons? It doesn't even look aesthetically presentable. I mean, it's just like an ugly tumor. I mean, did they really need all this bullshit leeching on the Genesis? That poor Genesis is just thinking: &quot;Oh, please, God, take this shit off me.&quot; It's like getting gang-raped. Both of its slots are getting ''fucked'' at the same time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''(plugging in the power adapters for the game consoles)'' Here goes the Genesis, the Sega CD, and... bullshit. What a load of fucking bullshit. How did they fuck this up so bad? I can't even turn it the other way because it doesn't fit. Why can I only plug in two power adapters? Why can't these go sideways? Or, better yet, why the Hell do they have these box things? Why can't it just be like this? ''(ends in a thin plug)'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''(playing [[w:Primal Rage|Primal Rage]] with only the background visible)'' Great title screen, huh? There isn't even any title at all. ''(cuts to the character select menu, where once again no characters are visible)'' What is this? Wh-wait a minute. Oh, please, God, tell me what's going on. Why can't I see the characters? I'm playing ''Invisible Primal Rage''! Alright, let's try [[w:Virtua Fighter (video game)|Virtua Fighter]]. ''(the characters aren't visible here either)'' What the FUCK?! Guess what, we left something out.  There's another cable which connects the Genesis to the 32X. Isn't it enough that the damn thing is inserted on to the ''top'' of the Genesis? Why does it need another connector? 'Look at this. It's a fuckin' mess. And what a perfect visual analogy. Sega invented the 32X to increase the lifespan of the Genesis, and that's exactly what the friggin' thing looks like. It's on life support.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': And just to celebrate their failure, or just for shits and giggles, they released a few '''CD-32X''' games, which required both the 32X ''and'' the Sega CD. So, if you happened to own ''this'' pile of vomit and ''this'' piece of shit'','' you can mix the two together.

=== [[w:Silver Surfer (video game)|Silver Surfer]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' Alright, this is ''Silver Surfer''. Silver Shit! ''(inserts game into NES and turns it on)'' He looks so ''stupid!'' I mean, what the hell's wrong with him? He's just like... like... ''(The Nerd tries to imitate Silver Surfer's pose.)''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' What'd I say before? This game's not bad? Well, no. It isn't bad. '''''It's FUCKIN' HORRIBLE!''''' And I ''dare'' you to play it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' I can't take it anymore. ''(Drinks some Yuengling)'' You know... there's really no point of going on. It's not like there's a reward, like there's a pot of gold sittin' on top of the TV. You know if you beat the game, it probably just says &quot;The End&quot;, and that's it. So to keep playing it, you gotta be a fuckin' nerd.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' I mean this game just pukes snot up my ass. It's like you touch the top of the building, you die, you touch the ceiling, you die, you touch the floor, you die, too far to the right, you die, too far to the left, you die, you die, you die, you die, die, ''die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die,'' '''DIE!''' ''(lies on the floor, holds his eyes in anger, and mimics the game over screen) (upset voice)'' Oh, God, I can't fuckin' stand it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' This game is so hard, it would actually be easier to go outside in a thunderstorm and try to dodge rain. It would be easier to walk barefoot, without your toes or heels touching the floor. It'd be easier to pick fly shit out of pepper... while wearing boxing gloves! The fact you can get hit only once, pretty much means that you're weaker than every other enemy in the game. HOW DO YOU DIE FROM JUST TOUCHING A WALL?! I can understand if he's flying at like 200 miles per hour and he ''crashes'' into the wall, but the fact that he just ''touches'' the wall and dies is just ridiculous. I never read any of the comics, so I don't know what Silver Surfer's powers are, but isn't he supposed to be pretty strong? So why'd they make him into a wimp?! Why is he fuckin' up rubber ducks and weepin' like a crybaby? It's like some sort of fuckin' joke! Like what if they had Bruce Lee tripping over his own shoelaces? It's a fuckin' insult! This game should've been classic! But instead, it's worthless! It's as worthless as this fuckin' LJN poster I have back here! Man, I would just piss and shit all over this fuckin' game! In fact, JUST THINKING ABOUT IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE HAVIN' AN ANAL EVACUATION! ''(Swigs some Yuengling)'' Fuck...! ''(Gets up, takes game out, and then throws it against the wall)''

=== [[w:Die Hard (video game)|Die Hard]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': Somewhere up here, there's a rope which, I don't know if it's important or not. You blow up this gym locker or whatever it is and he says, &quot;'''I'd have to be desperate to tie that on and jump off! No, thanks!'''&quot; Are you kidding me? Have you ever had a video game character talk back to you and say, &quot;No, I'm not gonna do that!&quot;? Going back to ''Mario'' again, what if Mario just said &quot;You know, I'm really not feeling up to jumping over that platform. No, thanks!&quot;? This is ridiculous. I mean, he won't climb down with a rope, but he'll jump out a window and fucking kill himself?!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So, I'm taking the stairs down, now I found some blueprint of the 5th floor. Whoa! Now we're talking about the 5th floor? &quot;Take out the main computer&quot;? I'm getting confused. So, I'm going around, trying to kill people, and Officer Carl Winslow keeps talking to me. So, I'm just walking around, waiting for whatever random stuff to happen, then the police car blows up! I'm like, &quot;What does this have to do with anything?&quot; But then Steve Urkel comes on! I'm like, &quot;What the fuck!?&quot;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': There's guys around every corner, there's guys coming out of the elevator, there's guys coming out of your ass, it's crazy!

=== [[w:Independence Day (video game)|Independence Day]] ===

:'''AVGN''': '''Oh God...''' '''Oh ''God!''''' Let me ask a question: what do you get when you take a movie, that's ASS, and you make it into a game? You get a pieceashit! Now, if you get a piece of ass, that's... a good thing. But if you get a pieceaSHIT, you don't want that! And this of course, is ''[[w:Independence Day (video game)|Independence Day]]'' for the [[w:PlayStation (console)|Playstation]]. I don't even wanna talk about this. It's makin' me sick. MAKIN' ME '''''SICK!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I think it's a graphic flaw. Nothing appears until it's right up in your fuckin' face! What the '''ASS''' is that all about? To describe this game's assness, all I can say is, it's ''very'' ass.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The radar doesn't do diddly dick! It's too small, it makes no fuckin' sense, and...I don't like it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The worst thing about this is that it makes me feel really guilty to be playing it! Like I should be doing something better with my time—like rolling dog turds in cement! Like, I gotta get away from this game! I gotta get out of this room! I gotta go out somewhere &amp; do something wild—like get a tattoo on my face of a goat holding up a baby snorting cocaine off its penis!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': You know, I played a lotta fuck in my day, but this game is... ''FUCK.'' The lack of music, the droning effect it has, it reminds me of somethin' very similar. Something from the past. ''Top Gun'' on the NES. ''[Top Gun music and screenshots from game accompany The Nerd's speech.]'' While I hated it and it drove me insane, I would rather play this than ''Independence Day''. In fact, just thinkin' about it is like a breath of fresh air. Makes me feel like a shitty log comin' out of a buffalo's ass and landin' in a bowl of M&amp;Ms.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Now, as always, I don't care if you agree with my opinions on games, but what I do care, you enjoy the video, you have a great 4th of July, drink some beers, but be safe, and most important - celebrate ''your'' independence ''not'' to play ''shitty fuckin' games.''

=== [[w:list of The Simpsons video games|The Simpsons]] ===
:'''AVGN''': Bringing back the horrible memories of these games can best be described like this: Imagine if you trapped a wet, smelly piece of dog shit inside an airtight container. Then, like twenty years later, you open that shit up, you take a good smell, and there you go. Welcome back.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(playing ''Bart vs. the Space Mutants'')'' It's strangely satisfying to jump on those aliens' heads. After all, don't you wish you could just go around killing aliens? Not making purple things not purple? Why not just fucking shit all over 'em and make everything brown?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I just wanted to point out that for a game titled &quot;''Bart vs. the World''&quot;, there really isn't a lot of &quot;the world&quot; in the game. No shit, right? Just Egypt, China, the North Pole, and Hollywood? Pretty fucking educational, right? When I was eleven years old, my whole world was video games, just locked in my room playing ''Bart vs. the Space Mutants'' and all this crap. And I wasted all my time on this shit! I want it back! It ruined my life! ''(drinks beer)'' Bart's my ass and Krusty's my balls! Fuck this shit. Now I'm gonna eat my own shorts. ''(the Nerd puts his beer down, rips out his boxers with his teeth, and devours it in a ravenous manner)''

=== [[w:The Bugs Bunny Birthday Blowout|The Bugs Bunny Birthday Blowout]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''(sarcastically)'' Wow, how awesome could ''this'' be? ''Bugs Bunny's Birthday Blowout.'' Well, it was a blowout, alright. Blowout your FUCK!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Yeah, this game's really a no-brainer. ''[drinks beer]''
:''[Bugs Bunny appears in Nerd's room]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[spits out beer]'' '''''OH MY GOD! IT'S BUGS BUNNY!'''''
:'''Bugs Bunny''':  Nyah... ''[eats carrot]'' What’s up, Doc?
:'''The Nerd''': ''[walks up to Bugs]'' I can't believe it! In my own house! Bugs Bunny! '''''BUGS FUCKIN' BUNNY!''''' ''[punches Bugs in the stomach and in the face]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': This game is garbage!
:'''Bugs Bunny''': Nyaaaah-
:'''The Nerd''': ''[grabs Bugs by the ears and pounds his head on the floor; the commas that follow mark the head pounding]'' '''''I'D RATHER PUT MY BALLS IN A CROCODILE'S MOUTH, WHILE SHOVING MY HEAD UP A UNICORN'S ASSHOLE!'''''

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:'''Bugs Bunny:''' Nyah, what's up, fuck-cock vagina fuck-fuck?!

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:'''Bugs Bunny:''' Nyah, ain't I a fockin' stinker, motherfucker?!
:'''The Nerd''': Ain't you a godfuckingdamn fockin' pieceashit!

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[after finding out Bugs' friends were pulling pranks on him]'' I'LL SHOW ''YOU'' SOME FUNNY TRICKS! ''[headbutts Bugs and starts punching him]''
:'''Bugs''': ''[while being pummeled]'' Nyyyyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaah, what's up, '''''COCK?!'''''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[kicks him in the face]'' I'll show you what's up, you fuckin' bunny piece of fuck!

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[While punching Bugs Bunny]'' '''BUGS BUNNY'S BIRTHDAY BLOWOUT? WELL HOW BOUT' BUGS BUNNY'S BIRTHDAY BEATING!''' 
:'''The Nerd''': ''[after pummeling Bugs to the ground]'' Ya wanna Shoruyken?!! 

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:'''The Nerd''': You want some shit? ''[drops his pants]'' '''''BOMBS AWAY, BUGS BITCH!''''' ''[diarrhea falls through a fake fuck]''
:'''Bugs''': Nyyyyaaah, ''[diarrhea pours onto his face]'' '''''oh shit! OH SHIT!''''' Nyah!
:'''The Nerd''': Ugh, man! ''[takes off fake ass]'' Don't worry, folks. It's not real. ''[Merrie Melodies spoof theme starts playing and Bugs is shown in distress]'' ''[while giving middle finger]'' '''Fuck you, Bugs Bunny!''' ''[gives middle finger through fake fuckhole]'' '''''FUCK YOU, BUGS BUNNY!''''' ''[tosses fake ass]'' There you go. Got your ass handed to you. ''[iris out, then cut to a drum, which the Nerd pops out of in a similar fashion to Porky Pig]'' Ah-duh, ah-duh, duh, that's all, fucks! ''[raises middle finger]''

=== Atari Porn ===

:'''​The Nerd:''' (''playing'' Custer's Revenge) All ya do, is bang the chick, dodge the spears. Bang the chick, dodge the spears. Y'know, ya gotta give this guy credit; he's under attack and he still has the nerve to go over and screw this woman against a cactus. I ''think'' it's a cactus; with Atari, ya really can't tell. You know what bothers me? The spears don't even come down all the way; they like disappear, so it doesn't even make sense when they hit you. But over-analyzin' this game isn't even worth it. It's nothing more than a joke, it stirred up a lot of outrage when it came out in 1982, Native Americans were offended, women activists were offended, parents were offended if their kids got a hold of this, and ''I'' am offended, because this game's a fuckin' pieceashit!

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:'''​The Nerd:''' (''playing'' Beat 'Em &amp; Eat 'Em) Y'know, there's ''really'' somethin' wrong with this whole scene. You gotta be a total fuckin' whore to stand naked at the bottom of a building with your mouth wide open to catch jizz from some guy jerkin' off on top of a roof! What kinda sick bitches are these?! And what's the deal with this guy? Either he has a ''huge dick'', or he's a ''dwarf!'' I mean what the fuck kinda game is this?!

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:'''​The Nerd:''' Well, what can ya say? Atari and porn. Witches, door-to-door prostitutes, rooftop beaters, cowboy rapists... what more can ya ask for? Remember the commercials? &quot;Have you played Atari today?&quot; Well fuck yeah, I did! But you don't wanna know what I was playin'.

=== [[w:Nintendo Power|Nintendo Power]] ===

:'''AVGN''': It's time to chill out. Nah, don't worry. I'm not goin' mellow on you or anything like that. And, next time, it's gonna be a game review again. But for now, I just want to take you back to one of the most important parts of my childhood: Nintendo Power. You know, today, there's Internet. Anything you want to know about any game, you just look it up. But, back then, your only source of information was magazines, like Nintendo Power. If you had a subscription, you were the man! One of your friends would be breakin' their balls to beat some game and you'll be like, &quot;Oh, I know how to beat that game.&quot;, or, &quot;I know a code.&quot; That's because you had the power. ''Nintendo'' ''Power, motherfucker!''

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:'''AVGN''': One thing that used to piss me off was the NES Achievers section. It's just a buncha nerds showin' off their high scores. But, how do you prove it? You have to take a photo of your screen. And, nobody really knew how to do that. Remember, there were no digital cameras back then, so you take the picture of your screen, you have no fuckin' clue what it looks like. And, there could be, like, 20 other pictures on the roll, so, you either have to, like, waste them all or wait until it gets finished. You get your mom or dad to take it to the store to get the picture developed, it comes back, and what does it look like? It looks like fuckin' shit!

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:'''AVGN''': 'Member that shitty movie ''[[w:The Wizard (film)|The Wizard]]''? and that fuckin' dumbass ''[[w:Super Mario Bros. (film)|Super Mario Bros.]]'' movie? Man, I remember readin' about that and being so excited, I couldn't ''wait'' to see that movie! But it was just like waitin' for a buffalo to take a shit all over your face. ''(Raspberry)''

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:'''AVGN''': As Nintendo Power progressed, the ads went from being weird to just being fuckin' disgusting. Why the Hell is there a jar of toenail clippings in a video game magazine? What were they ''thinking''!? Now, here's the worst one yet. It's some old creepy bitch holdin' a log of shit. Goddamn. One ad was so gross, I stapled the page shut. I'm actually not joking. Then, this one just shows a hurl bag. Yeah, that's great. That just sums up how I feel about the whole situation. Nintendo Power! Don't open unless you've got a barf bag! ''(looks into Nintendo Power, then pretends to vomit into a bag)''

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:'''AVGN''': There's also a contest in every issue. Grand prizes would include a sneak showing of the ''Ninja Turtles'' movie, a chance to meet Arnold Schwarzenegger, to win [[w:Bill &amp; Ted's Excellent Adventure|Bill &amp; Ted]]phone booth, to win a ''[[w:Street Fighter II|Street Fighter II]]'' arcade machine, to dig up dinosaurs, or to be an extra in ''The Mask II. The Mask II? (sarcastically)'' Oh, ''that's'' a great prize! ''(normally)'' That movie never got fuckin' made, unless you count ''[[w:Son of the Mask|Son of Mask]]'', but that wasn't until about 10 years later! And, did they give the winner a rain check for that: to be in a movie with a computer-generated baby or any of the other sequels to Jim Carrey movies that don't have Jim Carrey?

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:'''AVGN''': ''(reading letters)'' &quot;It is quite apparent what an active and important role marketing plays in the video game industry. I have to wonder what you are thinking when marketing the Nintendo 64 to elementary school gamers. You risk alienating gamers 15 and up. You should target older gamers, because you'll also target younger ones, since the younger audience's perception of coolness often depends on what the older, teenage audience thinks is cool.&quot; I agree. And the response? &quot;Your suggestion inspired us to target more teens with our marketing, so tune in to a very special episode of ''Friends'' this week to see-&quot; Okay, here's ''my'' letter. &quot;Dear Nintendo Power editor, what the fuck is your problem?&quot;

=== [[w:Fester's Quest|Fester's Quest]] ===

:'''AVGN''': ''(As Fester)'' You were expecting, uh, maybe uh, the ''Ninja Turtles''? ''(a reference to the Nerd's review of the third ''Ninja Turtles'' movie)''

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:'''AVGN''': ''(As Wednesday)'' This game better stop sucking fuck, or else I'm gonna have to give it the finger. The middle finger!

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:'''AVGN''': ''(As Gomez)'' I think it's a fuckload of fuck!
:'''AVGN''': ''(As Fester)'' Think you'd better shut your fuck!

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:'''AVGN''': ''(As Fester)'' That's the last guy. It's over.
:'''AVGN''': ''(As Wednesday)'' That's just the first boss.
:'''AVGN''': ''(As Fester)'' That's the last guy.
:'''AVGN''': ''(As Gomez)'' It's not.
:'''AVGN''': ''(As Fester)'' I know, but let's just say that it is, because that's all I can take.

=== [[w:The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (franchise)|The Texas Chainsaw Massacre]] ===

:'''Opening Crawl''': In 1983, a shitty game based on the Texas Chainsaw Massacre was released for the Atari 2600 by Wizard Video Games. It was a tragic failure and tried to aim for the adult market. Its pixelated violence was enough to get it banned from stores or hidden behind the counter, limiting its sales to obscurity. For them, an ideal hit movie-based game would become a nightmare. But had the game been well known, nobody would have expected nor they would wished to see as much of the mad and macabre doodoo diarrhea bullshit as they were to see in that sucky ass game. Close to 25 years later, it would be discovered by one of the most frustrated gaming geeks on the internet, The Angry Video Game Nerd.

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:''[AVGN comes to a barn where a hillbilly playing a banjo is selling old video games]''
:'''AVGN''': What have you got here?
:'''Hillbilly''': Bunch of shit.
:'''AVGN''': I see. Unfortunately this is kind of my thing. ''(Notices the Texas Chainsaw Massacre Atari 2600 cartridge)'' How much is this one right here?
:'''Hillbilly''': A hundred.
:'''AVGN''': A hundred? As in like a hundred dollars?
:'''Hillbilly''': No, shit-for-brains, a hundred centavos. Of course a hundred dollars! We are living in the US of A, ain't we?
:'''AVGN''': I - I'll take it for 50.
:'''Hillbilly''': ..It's a hundred.
:'''AVGN''': It's a piece of shit. Look at this! Look at this stock label! I mean, do you know what this is supposed to be? Can you tell me what this is?
:'''Hillbilly''': I have no idea what that is. I can tell you what it looks like: It looks like the shit stain in the bottom of my [[w:Undergarment|drawers]] right now!
:'''AVGN''': This is a shit stain on a shitty game! That perfectly just sums it all up.
:'''Hillbilly''': That, there, is a rare video game, Boy.
:'''AVGN''': Unfortunately I'm like - like flies on a piece of shit because I just can't stay away from this stuff.

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:'''AVGN''': So, when the game's over, the screen goes black, like a ''Mortal Kombat'' fatality. And the girl kicks you in the butt. How violent, she kicks you in the rear. Now I can take bodies getting slashed apart with the chainsaw, but a kick in the ass? That's fucking hardcore. Fuck this game. What a piece of shit.

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:'''AVGN''': ''(after being attacked by Chop Top and Leatherface)'' You've gotta believe me, there's this guy coming after me!
:'''Hillbilly''': Hey, hey! Settle down.
:'''AVGN''': I'm not kidding! I'm really not kidding. He's-
:'''Hillbilly''': Calm down, little buddy. Be cool. Be calm. Be collected... hey, what's that over there? ''(knocks the Nerd out with his banjo)'' Batter-up, bitch boy! ''(starts dragging the Nerd away. As he does so, he sings)'' Hey there, motherfuckers... Don't tell me what I should do... 'Cause they be motherfuckers...

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:'''Chop Top''': ''(while the Nerd is being tortured by being forced to play the game)'' How do you like that, Nerd? How do ya like!? How do ya like!? ''(cackles)''
:'''Hillbilly''': Playing that game like he really don't like it? Ain't that a shame. Listen to him whimper like a little girl. HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH hee hee hee! Yeah, boy. ''(the Nerd summons enough rage to free himself from his bindings and make an escape)'' Oh, shit!

=== [[w:Halloween (franchise)|Halloween]] ===
''[the Nerd hears a knock as his door, and sees two kids; one dressed as Optimus Prime and the other dressed as Swamp Thing at his door]''
:'''Optimus Prime &amp; Swamp Thing:''' Trick-or-treat!
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, oh, you want some trick-or-treat? Okay, here's some trick-or-treat for ya! ''[grabs one of the bag and defecates into it. then he hands it back to Optimus Prime &amp; Swamp Thing]''
:'''Optimus Prime &amp; Swamp Thing:''' Ewwwwww!!
:'''The Nerd''': There you go, you little fuckers! There's some chocolate for ya.
:'''Swamp Thing:''' That's not chocolate, that's poop.
:'''The Nerd''': It's not chocolate, nor is it poop. It's ''fuck!''
:'''Optimus Prime''': Hey, you dope! I want some candy!
:'''Swamp Thing''': Yeah, I want some candy!
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, yeah. ''[puts &quot;Halloween&quot; Atari 2600 game back in the box then opens door again.]'' Hey, wait! I got something for you, too! A shitty game! ''[gives it to Optimus Prime]''
:'''Optimus Prime''': What the heck is this?
:'''The Nerd''': It's an Atari game.
:'''Swamp Thing''': What the heck is an Atari, you dope?
:'''The Nerd''': Oh. Oh, you don't know what an Atari is? Oh, okay. Hang on a sec.
:'''Swamp Thing''': First you poo in my bag, then you don't give me any candy. You're a dope.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[gives Atari 2600 to Optimus Prime]'' There you go. Have fun.
:'''Optimus Prime''': Hey, you dope! I want some candy!

=== [[w:Dragon's Lair (Nintendo Entertainment System)|Dragon's Lair]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Did I just die by walking into the fuckin' door!? Yeah. Everything kills you. Literally. Everything.

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:'''AVGN''': The decisions to make in this game are similar to if... say you're standing in a pool full of piss all the way up to your neck. Then somebody comes in with a bucket full of fuck to dump on your head. Do you duck down under the piss? Or do you just stay up and take on the shit? This game is like a cruel joke that you play on your friends. It's like, &quot;Hey, you wanna play a game? Here you go, you fuckers!&quot;

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:'''AVGN''': This game is notorious among gamers as being one of the most frustrating games in existence. At some time or another, it seems everyone takes a shot at it, and after this review, I'm sure many more people will suffer over it, which is unfortunate. But to quote ''[[w:Full Metal Jacket|Full Metal Jacket]]'', &quot;It's just one big shit sandwich and we all gotta take a bite.&quot;

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:'''AVGN''': ''(upon being returned to the first screen after getting a Game Over on the second)'' Man... Man, fuck that shit. Man, you think I'm gonna put myself through that again?! I - GODDAMMIT MAN - ''(imitates shooting off four of his fingers, leaving the middle one extended upward)'' MAN, FUCK this game, man! Man - Jesus Christ, I'd rather fucking 69 a grizzly bear while shoving [[w:King Kong|King Kong]] up my ass! I'd rather fucking stand in the middle of a ring of monkeys as they pelt me to death with their own anal waste!

=== An Angry Nerd Christmas Carol Part One ===

:'''AVGN''': ''(receiving ''[[w:Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (video game)|Home Alone 2]]'' for the NES in a gift-wrapped box)'' Oh gee. Thanks for sending me this crappy game! Coal would've been nice! Or even better, a bag of poop! So thanks!

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:'''AVGN''': So, you start the game trying to escape from this hotel because they found out that you used a stolen credit card. Now you don't wanna fuck with this hotel - they'll get everybody after ya. Not even just the people who work there, but bouncing old ladies with umbrellas, mops - yeah, crazy bloodthirsty mops will try to get ya. Vacuum cleaners? Yeah, those suck you up. 

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:'''AVGN''': Here, get up the ladder! Get up the fucking ladder! There's birds fucking all over me! Get up the fucking ladder! Fuck, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK! ''(yells in anger and takes the game out of his NES)'' Merry Christmas, you filthy animal! YOU MISERABLE FUCKING CUNTING PIECE OF FUCK! ''(hurls the game off-screen and walks up to his game cabinet)'' Fucky games! All my life! Fucky fucking games! I hate fucky fucking games! And I hate fucky fucking Christmas because fucky fucking Christmas means more ''fucky fucking games!'' HUMBUG! BAH! FUCKING HUMBUG IT TO FUCKKKKKKKKK!!!

=== An Angry Nerd Christmas Carol Part Two ===

:'''Stuttering Craig as the Ghost of Christmas Past''': Greetings, Nerd! Forgive this intrusion, for it is I, the Ghost of Christmas Past!
:'''AVGN:''' ''(hits himself on the head)'' I ain't seeing this!
:'''Ghost of Christmas Past''': Why do you doubt your senses, Nerd?
:'''AVGN:''' Because, I wasn't ready to go completely insane tonight.
:'''Ghost of Christmas Past''': But you already have! Drowning in your own misery and torment!
:'''AVGN:''' ''(Extends his middle finger)'' You see this?
:'''Ghost of Christmas Past''': I ''do'' see it.
:'''AVGN:''' ...But you're not looking at it.
:'''Ghost of Christmas Past''': But I ''see'' it.
:'''AVGN:''' ...Look. Ghost. Why do you come to me?
:'''Ghost of Christmas Past''': Well, to take you back to the past!
:'''AVGN:''' To play the fucky games that suck fuck? No thanks.
:'''Ghost of Christmas Past''': This is ''your'' past, Nerd!

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:'''Handsome Tom as the Ghost of Christmas Present''': You remember the excitement?
:'''AVGN:''' Who are you?
:'''Ghost of Christmas Present''': I'm the Ghost of Christmas Present, bitch.
:'''AVGN:''' Well what do you want?
:'''Ghost of Christmas Present''': I just wanted to remind you the fond memories you had of Super Nintendo. You remember ''[[w:Super Metroid|Metroid]]''? ''[[w:The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past|Zelda]]''? ''[[w:Super Mario World|Mario]]''? You only choose to dwell on crap. You know what you're doing right now?
:'''AVGN:''' Talking to you?
:'''Ghost of Christmas Present''': No, this is all out of body. Don't you get it? Right now you're looking back at reviewing one of the worst games on the Super Nintendo. ''(AVGN looks through a nearby door to see himself reviewing a game.)''
:'''Other AVGN''': ''[[w:Shaq Fu|Shaq Fu]]''. Just the name makes people cringe. Like, you don't even wanna go there. You are so full of fuck.

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:'''Other AVGN''': The title doesn't even sound good. ''Shaq Fu''? It's like a joke. I mean just the fact that they can release a ''fighting'' game starring [[w:Shaquille O'Neal|Shaquille O'Neal]] and call it ''Shaq Fu'' pretty much proves that you can put &quot;Fu&quot; at the end of anything. How about &quot;[[w:Robin Williams|Robin Williams]] Fu&quot; or &quot;[[w:U2|U2]]Fu&quot;? I mean, who came up with this shit!? What, were they smoking crack up their fuck!?

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:'''Future AVGN''': You remember the Nintendo Wii? Yeah, that's actually what they called it. But it was very revolutionary when it first came out. But looking at it now, it's like a baby's toy. Now, I got this bullfuck fuck game called ''[[w:Far Cry Vengeance|Far Cry Vengeance]]''. Now you put the word &quot;Vengeance&quot; at the end of anything, and it's sure to suck.

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:'''AVGN''': IT'S CHRISTMAS! WHAT A GLORIOUS CHRISTMAS DAY! ''(goes back to his games cabinet cackling with euphoria)'' Look at all these games! Look at all these games! I think I'm going to play ''[[w:Super Mario World|Super Mario World]]''! Fuck yeah! This game's awesome! In fact, I should just play good games from now on. ''(after a moment, the Nerd's expression turns sour, and he turns off the game and grabs the Virtual Boy)'' Man, fuck that! Let's play some fucky ones!

=== [[w:The Legend Of Zelda|Chronologically Confused 2: The Legend of Zelda Timeline]] ===
:'''AVGN''': [[w:Shigeru Miyamoto|Shigeru Miyamoto]], the man responsible for all these great games did an interview with Nintendo Power sometime before the release of the [[w:The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time|Ocarina of Time]] and this is what he said. &quot;Ocarina of Time is the first story, then the original [[w:The Legend of Zelda (video game)|Legend Of Zelda]], then [[w:Zelda II: The Adventure of Link|Zelda II: The Adventure of Link]] and finally [[w:The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past|A Link to the Past]]. It's not very clear where [[w:The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening|Link's Awakening]] fits in. It could be anytime after Ocarina of Time.&quot; Now whoa, I'm nobody to argue. Don't get me wrong about the man himself, but how is Link to the Past the last? I had a hard time accepting that any game would take place before it, but now it's the last? Then why is it called Link to the Past? If it was meant to be the end, why wouldn't it be called Link to the Future?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': So what right do I have to argue with Miyamoto? I don't. However, I can offer three explanations to why he says Link to the Past goes at the end. 1, He was being interviewed and he was caught on the spot, so it could've been a simple mistake. 2, Link to the Past was once a prequel, but its place in the timeline changed so his quote is somehow correct. 3, it's just a game so who gives a shit?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Now a second Zelda game was for the Nintendo 64 was released, [[w:The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask|Majora's Mask]]. This one was a sequel to Ocarina of Time. But wait, not a sequel to the end where adult Link defeats Ganon, No! It's a sequel to young Link after he got sent back. So now any speculation of Nintendo ever making a sequel to Zelda II is deader than shit. They can't even make a sequel that follows in consecutive order. Instead, they just keep going back and then maybe taking a small step up again and then back again. We have a sequel to the original, a prequel to the original, a sequel to the prequel, a prequel to the prequel, and a sequel of the young Link of the prequel's prequel. WHAT THE FUCK?! At this point, if you want to try to make any sense out of this whole thing then go right ahead, but not me. At this point, I really didn't give a shit.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': What about the games on the Philips CD-I? There was ''Zelda: Wand of Gamelon'', ''Link: The Faces of Evil'', &amp; ''Zelda’s Adventure''. And hey, Princess Zelda actually plays a bigger role in those games. So why don’t you count those? Maybe because they suck diarrhea shit from an asshole fountain.

=== [[w:Rambo (video game)|Rambo]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Fuck. I gotta do ''this'' one now? Well, guess I might as well, 'cuz there's a new ''Rambo'' movie comin' out. Back in the '80s, ''[[w:Rambo|Rambo]]'' was ''the'' shit, but the NES game was just plain fuck. ''(the Nerd puts the game in the NES toploader)'' Well, it's based off ''[[w:Rambo: First Blood Part II|Rambo: First Blood Part II]]'' rather than the [[w:First Blood|first one]]. I guess making a game where you're going around killing cops... ''probably'' wasn't their best interest. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': When Rambo meets the girl for the second time in the game, you're given an option. Rather than conducting business, you can say: &quot;What do you think of me?&quot; The game doesn't advance until you stop asking it, so what's the point? And how cocky can Rambo be to expect a compliment? She could have said, &quot;What do I think of you? You look like a hairless gorilla and when your mouth is open, you really freak me out.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Why does the fuckin' password have to be so godfuckingdamn long?! Is it really necessary to have both capital and lowercase letters, as well as numbers, question marks and exclamation marks too?! If you're writing this down, you're gonna get confused. S's look like 5's, 0's look like O's, capital and lowercase letters can look identical, and lowercase L's look like 1's and uppercase I's. That's something I have '''''no''''' tolerance for. The password system should be '''''simple, straightforward, and easy to use.''''' As long as you know the password, you should be able to enter it, and '''move on.''' It doesn't need to be a '''''fucking project!''''' Fuckholes!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': But then comes ''[[w:Rambo (2008 film)|Rambo.]]'' How do you follow ''[[w:Rambo III|Rambo III]]'' with just ''Rambo?'' That doesn't even make any sense. It's like you're going backwards. So, now if someone says, &quot;I'm watching ''Rambo,''&quot; it's like, &quot;Oh. Oh, what do you mean? Do you mean ''First Blood?'' Or do you mean ''Rambo: First Blood Part II?'' Or do you mean ''Rambo,'' the 4th movie?&quot; That's what it is, the fourth fuckin' movie! Why couldn't they have just called it ''Rambo IV?'' One, two, three, four!! ''(Pretends to have head explosion, then goes nuts and collapses on the floor while he rips a poster off the wall.)''

== Season Three ==

=== [[w:Virtual Boy|Virtual Boy]] ===
:'''The Nerd''':  Virtual reality seemed like the way of the future. Just the idea feeling like you were in the game was an awesome concept. But instead, it turned out to be the grand mother-load of shit. The first problem was it was marketed as a portable system. Yeah, portable. My ass is portable! You could barely find a comfortable way to play this big, red, ugly piece of shit at home, let alone bring it somewhere. Like, you couldn't play it in a car or something like that. And, come to think of it, you wouldn't want to play this thing in public anyway. You'd look like an asshole!
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:'''The Nerd''': [''playing'' Galactic Pinball] So, in the long run, it just makes you wish you were playing a real pinball machine instead or anything other than this. '''''I feel like I'm taking an eye exam.''''' And speaking of that, my eyes are starting to hurt already. If you play this long enough and go blind, you can really become the [[Tommy (The Who album)|Pinball Wizard]].
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:'''The Nerd''':  Well now, we saved the worst for last: It's ''[[w:Waterworld (video game)|Waterworld]]''.  Now, let's just stop for a moment and take this in, okay? ''[Breathes deeply]'' ''Waterworld''... on Virtual Boy. It's like pukin' on a pile of shit!

=== [[w:The Wizard of Oz (video game)|The Wizard of Oz]] ===

:'''The Nerd:''' But now, on with the game. Let's start off with the enemy run-down. We got bloodthirsty bluebirds, frogs, chattering teeth, pink soldiers, some weird-looking dude, flying elephants which are supposed to be monkeys, a blobby blue guy, and killer chairs. Is this ''[[w:The Wizard of Oz (1939 film)|Wizard of Oz]]'' or ''[[w:Pee-wee's Playhouse|Pee-wee's Playhouse]]''? Then, there's all these buzz saws. Kinda violent, don't you think? Everything imaginable wants you dead. Even water faucets coming out of trees. Even the hands of a clock can kill you. ''(holding an analog clock)'' Oh God, there it is! Watch out for the clock! ''(imitates getting attacked by the clock)''

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:'''The Nerd:''' Remember the scene from the movie where Dorothy kicks the shit out of a giant crow wearing a vest?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cowardly Lion:''' With a knuck! And a ruck! And a fuck! And a f-fuck!
:'''The Nerd:''' Hey man, did you just swear?!
:'''Cowardly Lion:''' Uh, ''(laughs)'' yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, fuck you, fuck you, dick, dick, dick! ''(laughs)''
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(resumes explaining the game)'' Now, the only problem with the Lion is that after he dies only once...
:'''Cowardly Lion:''' ''(Gasps)'' Die?
:'''The Nerd:''' ...he never comes back!
:'''Cowardly Lion:''' ''(The Cowardly Lion runs out, but dies in an explosion.)'' Fuck!

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:'''The Nerd:''' SHIT! Come on!
:'''Cowardly Lion:''' ''(Chuckles)'' ''(He sees the Wicked Witch)'' Oh, is that the Witch? Is that the Witch? She's a bitch, not a witch! (Chortles)
:'''The Nerd:''' Come on, you fuckin' green bitch! Melt like diarrhea in the hot sun!
:'''Cowardly Lion:''' (Chortles) Yeah! Now, Shove her broom right up her ass! Fuck that bitch! Fuck that bitch! Fuck! Wicked Witch of the East, Wicked Witch of the West, Wicked Witch of the fuck, Wicked Witch of my ass! (Chortles and barks)

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:'''The Nerd:''' There's no shitty game like this, I'm serious. Like, it shouldn't have been made. Like, it's almost half as bad as ''Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde''. And I know it's been like 40-something reviews and I'm still talking about ''Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde''. But I'm serious, it's really almost that bad! FUCK THIS GAME, WATCH IT GO! ''(The Nerd throws the game, the same time the Cowardly Lion shits while doing a handstand making the game glued to the ceiling.)'' Daaaaaamn! You just plastered the game on my ceiling with your shit!
:''(The Lion laughs)''

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:''[Outtake]''
:'''Cowardly Lion:''' Wicked Witch of the East, Wicked Witch of the West, Wicked Witch of my balls, Wicked Witch of the fuck, Wicked Witch of my dick, Wi-- Wicked Witch of the ass. Wi-- Wicked Witch...
:''''The Nerd:''' ''[cracking up]'' Wicked Witch of the ass! ''[Laughs]''

=== Double Vision Part One ===

:'''The Nerd:''' The [[w:Intellivision|Intellivision]] came from [[w:Mattel|Mattel Electronics]]. Now, you know what else they made? The Power Glove. Now, that's a bad sign right there. But, it was a great game system for its time.

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:'''The Nerd:''' The games barely fit in the cartridge slot. It's like trying to stick your dick in a Cheerio.

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:'''The Nerd:''' Okay, we gotta move on, but let me introduce the [[w:Intellivoice|Intellivoice Voice Synthesis Module]]. What the fuck is that? Well, it makes your games talk. Yeah. Now, at the time, the idea having voices in video games was a new thing. But unfortunately, only a few games were compatible, like ''[[w:B-17 Bomber (video game)|B-17 Bomber]].''
:'''Electronic Voice:''' Mattel Electronics presents: ''(hillbilly voice)'' ''B-17 Bomber.''
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(mimics the voice)'' '''''B-17 BOMBER!'''''
:'''Electronic Hillbilly Voice:''' ''B-17 Bomber!''
:'''The Nerd:''' Alright, fuck the game. Let's try ''Bomb Squad.''
:'''Electronic Voice:''' Mattel Electronics presents: ''Bomb Squad.'' ''(Alarm buzzes)'' They'll never do it in time! The code! The code! Figure out the code!
:'''The Nerd:''' '''''What?''''' Guess I gotta defuse the bomb.
:'''Electronic Voice:''' It won't be easy! Replace this third, this fourth, this second, this first!
:'''The Nerd:''' '''''Oh, shit!''''' '''''OH, SHIT! OH, GOD! '''(Exploding)''

=== Double Vision Part Two ===

:'''The Nerd:''' ''(Also sprach Zarathustra from ''2001: A Space Odyssey'' plays in the background)'' What's that? A metamorphic stone rising from the blackness and negative Earth, a towering behemoth of monstrosity brought down by extraterrestrial powers, or a giant monolith of death, Hell-bent on the annihilation of humankind, time, and all matter? No. It's the AC adapter for a [[w:Colecovision|Colecovision]]''(The Nerd &quot;struggles&quot; to pick it up.)'' '''WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY THINKING?!''' IS THIS NECESSARY?! Look! I can't fit this Godforsaken piece of shit in the electrical outlet, unless there's nothing next to it! What a fucking hog! That's what it is; a self-indulgent glutton of a power hog.

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:'''The Nerd:''' [Campaign '84] &quot;'''You were seen putting your shoes on before you put on your pants.'''&quot; Okay, well who the hell was watching me get dressed!? If I wanna put my shoes on first, that's my own goddamn business!

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:'''The Nerd:''' But before I end it, let's take a look at the ColecoVision Expansion Module. Yeah, what gaming system is complete without some kind of peripheral? You plug it in, and now you can play Atari 2600 games. That's right, I'm playing Atari on ColecoVision, its competitor. Okay, that would ''never'' happen today. That's like if Sony said, &quot;Okay, we're gonna come out with this new expansion module for the [[w:Playstation 3|Playstation 3]]. You're gonna be able to play [[w:X-Box|X-Box]] games on it.&quot; ''There would be lawsuits up the ass!''

=== [[w:The Wizard (film)|The Wizard]] and [[w: Super Mario Bros. 3|Super Mario Bros. 3]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' Especially when you get to the last world, it can get real challenging. This part doesn't fuck around. It's like, &quot;you got to the end, you dare to play, welcome to Hell.&quot; That's what it looks like, all this fire and skulls, it looks like Hell! There's sorta like a heart shape around it. Yeah, a heart around Hell. Does that mean that this game loves Hell? This game worships the Devil! Oh, my God, of course it does! Why is there so many inverted crosses? What's the H stand for? Hell?? How about the part with the Tarot cards? The &quot;N&quot;? Necronomicon?? The &quot;P&quot; must be Possession. Or maybe Pentagram. Well, of course, the pentagram makes an appearance everywhere. It's no doubt that the seven sons of Bowser represent the Seven Deadly Sins. You kneel before Satan on the block, and after 6 seconds, you fall through. There's 6 arrows on the possession meter, and to reach the goal, you go to the 6th door. That's 666. Everywhere you look, it's the Number of the Beast. In ''The Wizard'', the game's introduction is basically the gates of Hell opening.
'''Video Armageddon Host:''' Come up here, my little beauties!!
'''Crowd:''' 6! 6! 6!
:'''The Nerd:''' Yeah, &quot;Video Armageddon!&quot; The Devil watches you through the whole game. The clouds have eyes, the hills have eyes. Heh, literally, &quot;the hills have eyes.&quot; Thanks Heaven, and we know that there's no need to thank Heaven unless there's the presence of ​Hell. There's 8 worlds. In the eighth world, there's 5 spaces you can stand on where giant hands drag you down to your doom. There's 12 tanks you gotta jump on before the goal, and it takes me 12 jumps to get Bowser to fall down the hole. The 8th letter of the alphabet is H, 5 equals E, 12 equals L, what's that spell? HELL! And what's it sound like when you play the game backwards? (footage is reversed; profanity-laced subliminal message plays) This game's a product of the fucking devil. And none of the other Mario games were like this, so I don't know why it's only this one. But in conclusion, all I can say is that, other than being the total epitome of evil, ''Super Mario Bros. 3'', it's a good game. So good, it's a ''sin''.

=== [[w:List of Nintendo Entertainment System accessories|NES Accessories]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''[Reviewing the [[w:Miracle Piano|Miracle Piano]]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt;'' Other than having standard lessons, you also get a robot game. Play the song right or the robot dies! Then there's a duck game You gotta shoot the ducks. Oh, come on! ''[begins tapping keys rapidly]'' Yeah, I'm shooting ducks with a piano!

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[reviewing the Power Pad and playing ''World Class Track Meet'' with it]'' It was meant to be a family game, but most kids I knew played it alone in their room. And that meant that if your room was upstairs, your parents would hear like all this thumping and shit. They hated it. Cats and dogs would piss and shit on it. In fact, just thinking about it... makes me feel like having an anal evacuation.

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:'''The Nerd''': Yeah. It all comes down to tapping buttons, which brings us to our next accessory. Probably the ''stupidest'' thing ever invented: The SpeedBoard. What is it? It's a piece of fucking plastic. You attach your controller, you get it? In case you don't wanna hold the controller with your hands, in case you enjoy playing on the floor, or behind a table, then this is for you. It's embarrassing. What's the point? To put the speed at your fingers? ''Why in the '''ass''' would I need '''that?''''' If I'm playing a game that involves having to tap the buttons like crazy, I'm probably gonna get a turbo controller, like the NES Max, or NES Advantage. How could they even ''sell'' such a thing? Even though it's made by [Pressman Toys,] a third party company, it was actually licensed by Nintendo. It's like covering a turd in ice cream sprinkles.
:'''The Nerd''': Next up, oh boy: the [[w:Konami|Konami]] [[w:LaserScope|LaserScope.]] Now, I just wanna go on record by saying I fuckin' love Konami, but this thing reeks of ass! It's essentially yet another form of the Zapper, but it's voice-controlled. To shoot, you say &quot;Fire!&quot;
:'''The Nerd''': '''''Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire!''''' It also has headphones, and it advertises on the box that you can use it for your Game Boy or Walkman. Just detach the scope module, yeah. Wow. Yeah, I would look &quot;so cool&quot; walking around listening to my [[w:iPod|iPod]] with this fuckin' thing on my head.
:'''The Nerd:''' It also advertises that &quot;Parents will love what they don't hear.&quot; It says, &quot;While the LaserScope surrounds the player with the sounds of exciting gameplay action, non players can listen to music, read a book, talk on the phone or have a conversation in the same room.&quot; Yeah. While you're saying, '''''&quot;Fire! Fire! Fire!&quot;,''''' it kinda defeats the purpose, right? '''''Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire!''''' Fuck! ''[game shoots]'' I didn't say &quot;Fire!&quot;, I said &quot;Fuck!&quot; Fuck! Fuck-Fire! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Ass! You can say anything. Shit! Bitch! Cunt! Fuck! Fart! ''[shifts to [[w:Duck Hunt|Duck Hunt]].]'' ''Fuck!'' Heh. Wow, I just shot down a duck by sayin' &quot;Fuck!&quot;

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:'''The Nerd''': [of the Roll &amp; Rock] I'm drinkin' Rolling Rock... ''on'' the Roll &amp; Rocker! Rolling Rock, Roll &amp; Rocker! Yeah, Rolling Rock ''on'' the Roll &amp; Rocker! ''[drinks more Rolling Rock]''

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[Playing ''[[w:Super Mario Bros.|Super Mario Bros.]]'' with the [[w:U-Force|U-Force]]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt;'' Get the mushroom, oh-- Aw, now that's assy. Yeah, I know I use the word &quot;ass&quot; a lot. I guess you can say I'm an ass-oholic.

=== [[w:Indiana Jones (franchise)|Indiana Jones Trilogy]] ===

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:'''AVGN''': If even a single pixel of your body comes in contact with any of these walls, it sends you back into the trap. But still, where do you go? You're supposed to touch this one spot on the wall which leads you to the next room. Well, after knowing that you can't touch anything else in the room, ''why the fuck'' would you even consider trying to go through the wall?! Is there ever such a thing as a ''door''?!

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:'''AVGN''': ''(Reviewing ''[[w:Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (Nintendo Entertainment System)|Temple of Doom]]'' for [[w:Nintendo Entertainment System|NES]])'' What's up with Indiana Jones? He looks like a park ranger, and he walks like he just dumped ass.

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:'''AVGN''': All through the game you keep finding swords and guns and stuff but the big question is What do you do with them? The start button brings up this screen which shows your supplies. But how do you select your weapons? You try every button and nothing works. So what's the point of this screen? Nothing. It's just for shits and giggles. Oh well, we're having fun with our whip in the meantime. Then you find that your whip is pretty useless. You can use it to swing around and kill small insects but any of the regular bad guys, it only make them jitter around and grunt.
:'''Enemy''': Huh! Huh!
:'''AVGN''': Huh! It should be a dance. ''(Pretends he's whipping)'' Huh! Huh! Whip it! Huh! Huh!

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:'''AVGN''': ''(reviewing ''The Last Crusade'' on NES)'' How is Indiana Jones such a wimp that he can't set foot in water more shallow than a kiddie pool?

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:'''AVGN''': What dumbasses made this game? [[w:Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade|Should've sent it to the Marx brothers.]]

=== [[w:Star Trek games|Star Trek]] ===
:''[A Klingon ship is attacking The Nerd's house]''
:'''The Nerd''': Wha-what is it, you want Genesis? ''[The Nerd picks up a Sega Genesis]'' You can have Genesis!

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:''[The Nerd turns off the NES Toploader, takes out the game, puts a phaser to it and is about to blast it out of existence, but he hesitates, eases off, and shakes his head.]''
:'''The Nerd''': No. I won't destroy it. Maybe the game designers did the best they could under the given circumstances. ''[to air]'' You hear? You'll have to get your entertainment someplace else. ''[a floating Metron appears in the Nerd's room.]'' You're a Metron.
:'''Metron''': ''Does my appearance surprise you, Nerd?''
:'''The Nerd''': Not really.
:'''Metron''': ''You surprise me.''
:'''The Nerd''': How?
:'''Metron''': ''By sparing the shitty game, you have demonstrated the advanced trait of mercy.''
:'''The Nerd''': ''Mercy '''this,''' motherfucker!'' ''[shoots the Metron]''

=== [[w:Superman video games|Superman]] ===

:'''AVGN''': It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's a shitty game! ''Superman'' for the [[w:Atari 2600|Atari 2600]]. I'm playing it on the [[w:Atari 7800|7800]] just for variety. But anyway, what could be said about Superman? He's one of the most famous superheros of all time. Even the word &quot;super&quot; is in his name. A word that implies excellence, outstanding quality and brilliant divine maginificence! ''(Gameplay of the Atari 2600 game is shown)'' Yeah, this sucks.

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:'''AVGN''': ''(reviewing ''[[w:Superman (Atari game)|Superman]]'' on Atari 2600)'' The whole game is based around the clock - it's all about getting the fastest time, but the only thing that'll eventually happenis you'll throw the game out the window faster than a speeding bullet!

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:'''AVGN''': ''(reviewing ''[[w:superman (Kemco game)|Superman]]'' on NES)'' You have a map screen which seems like it should be self-explanatory enough, but there's times when you have to use a subway train. &quot;'''Oops! You can't ride the subway with no pass!'''&quot; What, are you kidding me? He's ''Superman''! He needs to buy a fuckin' ticket?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': There's no reason to talk to anybody in this game. It's like in ''Castlevania II: Simon's Quest''. The whole game is full of people who tell you things that don't make any sense or have any [[relevance]] with the game. For example, this old woman tells you not to &quot;look into the Death Star, or you will die&quot;. Well, the [[w:Death Star|Death Star]] is nowhere in the game. Both of these games were released in 1988. Now that must have been the year of people talking and not making sense in video games. ''(talks to an NPC in ''Superman'')'' '''&quot;Haven't you seen the movie, Superman?&quot;''' Yeah, I did, actually! It's nothing like this ''garbage''!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(discussing the stage intermission screen resembling a [[w:Daily Planet|Daily Planet]] newspaper)'' What? &quot;'''Daily Planets'''&quot;? Isn't it just the Daily Planet? I don't know, I've had enough of this. Wait a minute. &quot;'''Stock Market Panic! Stock prices fall!'''&quot;? What, are we talking about ''stocks'' now? &quot;'''Find out why stock prices have fallen'''&quot;. &quot;'''You'll learn about stocks at the stock market.'''&quot; Okay, that's the goal here? To go to the ''stock market''? Oh my god. Do you remember being a kid? Do you remember playing Nintendo? What kind of things were you interested in? Comic books? Video games? Uhhm... the ''stock market''? Yeah, do you think any kid playing this game gives a shit about the fucking stock market?! Just, just, w-wh-''why''? W-wh-why make a game that has anything to do with stocks or taxes or politics? You just don't do that! It's like &quot;What were they thinking!?&quot; Stocks?! I just can't... I just... puh-''(raspberry)''. Augh, God. I just... what a shitload of fuck. That's enough for me. This game is just so awful that it can't be explained. I can review it for another hour and it won't make a difference. It's an unreviewable game. Can not be done justice! If you want to play it and see for yourself, I dare you. But just one warning: You will not be happy. Oh wait, this guy here just gave me a password? What's that for? Like if I want to continue here where I left off? Well, that's completely useless. There's no way I would ever need this password and you wanna know why? Because I'm never fucking playing this game again in my life! ''(Tosses the game out the window)''

=== [[w:Superman 64|Superman 64]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Okay, the wait is finally over. This is the review that everybody wants to see. Here it is, ''Superman''... on [[w:Commodore 64|Commodore 64]].

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:'''AVGN''': Remember those early CD based consoles like the PlayStation and you'd always have to wait for everything to load? Well, it's nothing like that; this thing actually takes 2 minutes and 7 seconds. Yeah, I timed it. Then the title screen starts up with the music, and you're like, ''&quot;WOW!&quot;'' But wait, what the hell's this? Type in the character that appears in &quot;column: 09 row:10&quot;? Oh, come on! I gotta get the code card. Yeah, the code card. Match up the damn numbers and there you go, it's 5. 'WHY DO I GOTTA DO THAT!? So you pick your difficulty, and guess what? It's gotta load again! Fifty-four seconds this time. Not long, but seems like an eternity. So anyway, you get this comic book storyline thing, and then- ''[the &quot;NOW LOADING&quot; screen appears yet again]'' You son-of-a-bitch! Probably two weeks later when you finally start playing the game, you'll be surprised that the graphics are quite decent and the gameplay is self-explanatory. You just fly around and shoot stuff. You don't have to be Clark Kent and find subway passes or any bullshit like that, so it's actually better than the Nintendo version. But that's not sayin' much. That's like sayin' the shit that I took last night was better than the shit I took the day before.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''[holds up Superman 64 cartridge]'' Aw, come on, you really wanna make me play this? Well, I'm gonna do it just for you, 'cause I like ya a lot. Now don't take that too serious.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': First, you're greeted by a smiling cartoon fox. &quot;''Tittus''&quot;? What the fuck is that?

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:'''AVGN''': Looks like Superman's strokin' his super dick.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(after finishing the car-carrying stage 4)'' So I get to the goal, and guess what's next? Seriously, I want you to just take a guess what comes after this. More rings. Yeah. What kind of game is this!? Is this some sort of ''insanity test''?! Well, I'm done. I'm sorry, but that's all I can do. This game doesn't even ''qualify'' as shit! It's like the equivalent of ''shit'' takin' a shit! This is unspeakably, ''shockingly'' bad. It's sickeningly '''loathsome!''' '''It's a fuckin' suffering to the mind'''! It's a bunch of fuck and it doesn't belong on this planet! Somebody's gotta take care of it! This is a job for the fuckin' Nerd! ''[a rock version of [[w:Superman March|Superman Theme]] plays as the Nerd unbuttons his shirt to reveal a blue Superman shirt. Flies up to the sun and tosses the game into it.]''

=== [[w:List of Batman computer and video games|Batman Part One]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''[dressed up as Batman]'' All right, ''[takes off his glasses]'' let's dig in to a big pile of bat shit. As you can see, I'm all ready, because, ''[puts on Bat-Mask]'' in order to play bad Batman games, and do 'em justice... ''[puts glasses back on]'' ''[Batman voice]'' ...you gotta be Batman.

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:'''Batnerd''': ''[Batman: The Caped Crusader]'' There's also this annoying menu screen that keeps popping up. It took me a while to figure out that I activate this thing by pressing Down and the button.
:'''Batnerd''': So I get to this menu by total accident, and I don't know what to do here. What ''is'' all this shit? &quot;Restart game&quot;? Who the fuck's talkin' about restarting? ''[tries to type &quot;N&quot;, but the keyboard doesn't respond]''  Oh, the keypad's busted. Oh, that's great. Yeah, and that's another thing about the Commodore: It only works when it feels like it.
:'''Batnerd''': Well, anyway, the game sucks, gotta give it the Batman punishment! ''[Batman voice]'' '''''I'm Batman.''''' ''[throws the &quot;Batman: The Caped Crusader&quot; Commodore 64 disk to the ground]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Batnerd''': Next up, ''[[w:Batman Forever (video game)|Batman Forever]]'' for the Super Nintendo. Now we're in deep shit, because this game is triceratops testicles.

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:'''Batnerd''': Fuck! Shit! Get up there! This is fuckin' '''''BULLSHIT!''''' You'd think to shoot up you just press up, but ''no,'' it '''''jumps!''''' Sometimes I get it to work by '''''pure luck''''' until I found out that, okay, '''''this''''' is how it works: To shoot up, you press '''select''' and '''up''' in a '''''very specific way.''''' You have to press select ''slightly before'' you press jump. If you do it correctly, it shoots the grappling hook straight up in the air. But if you press them both at the same time, you just jump! '''THAT'S A ''GOOD'' REASON WHY THE ''JUMP'' BUTTON SHOULD ''NOT BE UP!!'' WHY CAN'T IT BE ONE OF THE FUCKIN' ''BUTTONS?! HAVIN' THE FUCKIN' UP BUTTON JUMP IS FUCKIN' FUCKED UP!!!''''' If '''''this''''' ''[up on the d-pad]'' aimed your grappling hook and '''''THIS''''' ''[B button]'' jumped, '''''THEN IT WOULD BE FINE! BUT, NO! THEY GOTTA BE THE SAME BUTTON!'''''

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:'''Batnerd''': I'd rather have a diarrhea dog take '''''LAVA DUMP''''' all over the screen!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[the Batnerd is in shock over the bad controls of the game]''
:'''Batnerd''': '''WH- THIS IS ''FUCKED'' BEYOND BELIEF!!!''' It's like, the controls in this game are like something you do for a cheat code, '''''not a basic move that you HAVE TO DO in order to play the game!''''' '''Why'd they program it in such an ''asinine, ball-brained, cockamamie, RIDICULOUS FASHION?!''''' It's like, geez, there's four buttons right in the front of the controller! '''LIKE, THAT'S ''NOT ENOUGH'' TO WORK WITH?!''' Instead, they have to, like, program it, like, all into, like, weird, kinda, crazy button combinations and shit?! It's like, what were they thinking?! It's like, '''''up''''' is jump?! '''''Select''''' for the grappling hook?! Select shouldn't even be part of the game, select should be like for the ''menus,'' or something. '''I mean, jeez, like, were they tryin' to just ruin this game? Just flat out, just ''fuck it up?!''''' Well, they did! Batman Forever, '''it ''sucked'' back then, and it ''sucks'' forever!'''
:'''Batnerd''': ''[Batman voice]'' '''I'm Batmaaaaan.''' ''[throws &quot;Batman Forever&quot; to the floor]''
:'''Batnerd''': ''[Batman voice]'' That's it, that's all the shitty Batman games I can take. The review's over.
:''[Joker laughs insanely in the background and appears from behind the couch]''
:'''Joker''': Batman! Batman, you wanna play a '''''really shitty''''' Nintendo game, Batman? Well, how 'bout, ''Return of the Joker'' on the Nintendo Entertainment System, Batman?
:'''Batnerd''': ''[normal voice]'' Yeah, but, I'm not really Batman, though.
:'''Joker''': You're not Batman?! Batman, you're Batman, I'm Batman! ''[laughs insanely]'' Come on, Batman, let's play! Come o- ''[Batnerd punches him in the face and picks him up]''
:'''Batnerd''': I'm not playin' anymore shitty Batman games!
:'''Joker''': ''[chortles]'' Yes, you are! ''[water squirts out of the Joker's flower into the Batnerd's face]'' ''[laughs insanely]'' Ooh, Batman, let me give you a hand! ''[The Batnerd grabs the Joker's hand, and gets electrocuted by a joy buzzer while the Joker laughs and puts &quot;Return of the Joker&quot; into the NES Top Loader and the caption &quot;TO BE CONTINUED...&quot; appears on the screen]''
:'''Batnerd''': ''[narrating]'' Will the Batnerd escape the Joker? What bad games does he have up his sleeve? Tune in next episode, same bat time, same bat channel!

=== [[w:List of Batman computer and video games|Batman Part Two]] ===

:'''Batnerd''': Look at this pandemonium! There's a fucking ceiling waiting to come down and kill me, there's a guy throwing an oil drum, if I try to get out of the way I get hit by these rotating blades and shit. I take the guy down, and then I try to set off the ceiling trap, and... I'm dead.
:''[Joker laughs crazily at Batnerd's misfortune]''
:'''Batnerd''': Shut up!
:'''Joker''': [briefly angry] Fuck you, motherfucker! ''[laughs resumes laughing]''

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:'''Batnerd''': ''[playing &quot;Batman: Return of the Joker&quot; on Game Boy]'' The controls are like trying to get a horse to wipe its ass on an eagle.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Batnerd''': I swear that these games were programmed by [[w:The Joker|the Joker.]]

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Batnerd''': ''[playing ''Batman: Revenge of the Joker'' on Sega Genesis]'' What's with the gargoyle statues? You shoot them and get nothing. What's the point? And why does it hurt you to touch them? '''''BATMAN CAN'T EVEN TOUCH A FUCKING STATUE?!'''''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Batnerd''': '''''OKAY, SO WHAT'S WITH THIS FUCKING BULLSHIT?!''''' What, do they just die whenever they feel like it? Like is it a glitch, or is it some obscure trick that I don't know about? It's just the first level of the game! '''AGAIN! ''THE FIRST FUCKING LEVEL,'' AND I CAN'T GO ANY FURTHER!''' I've had enough of this catastrophe!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Batnerd''': ''[after subduing the Joker]'' I'm gonna shove these fucking games up your ''ass!'' ''Batman: Revenge of the Joker!'' ''[Joker screams]'' ''Batman: Return of the Joker!'' ''[Joker screams]'' ''Batman Forever!'' ''[Joker screams]'' ''Batman: Return of the Joker'' on Game Boy! ''[Joker screams again]'' And last but not least, ''Batman'' on Commodore 64! ''[Joker screams]''

=== [[w:Deadly Towers|Deadly Towers]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': This is a very special episode because I'm not gonna review the game, the fans are. Yeah. For the first time I asked the fans to recount their experiences with the game and send them to a specified email address. And as a result, this one inbox got over 6,000 messages. So, if you're one of the lucky ones, then I hope you enjoy hearing your words coming out of my mouth. But regardless, thanks for the submissions, thanks for supporting the show, this one's my little reward, to you. Enjoy.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, this must be why the attack is so slow: Our hero must pass the blades out of his cock! Hell, if broadswords shooting out of my cock was my only defense against purple inchworms &amp; bats, I’d probably let them kill me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Even the manual says, &quot;You have no confidence in this sword.&quot; What the fuck kind of advice is that? That's like saying &quot;Buddy, if you play this game, '''YOU'RE GONNA GET FUCKED UP THE ASSHOLE WITH A ''PORCUPINE!! GOOD FUCKIN' LUCK, DOUCHEBAG!&quot;''''' 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''':  You get an inventory screen. It's empty right now, but it seems pretty standard. It tells you your life and everything. It also has this thing called 'ludder'. Yeah, it says you have 50 ludder. I can only assume that that's currency, so I Googled it to check what it meant and according to an Urban Dictionary, 'ludder' means 'cheap-ass hoe'! So, therefore we're already starting out with 50 cheap-ass hoes, so we're doing alright for ourselves. I wonder what the exchange rate is for the expensive whores?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''':  Oh, and the music. The bubbly sound of ripping ass isn't even an adequate way to describe the music in this game!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''':  When they named this game ''Deadly Towers'', they weren't kidding. The last time I saw towers this deadly was when they decided the horses need more fiber in their diets! This game is so fucking hard, it's easier to lift an elephant with my ass while singing Old MacDonald!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Das Spiel ist Scheiße! Dieses Spiel fickt dich härter als das Leben! (Translation: The game is shit! This game fucks you harder than life!) Well, I gave that a try.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': This game is like a never-ending turd that bends around and goes into your mouth, thus creating an endless cycle of eating your own shit whilst taking a crap and occasionally puking up the same for all eternity!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Fuck this game! No, better yet, ''don't'' fuck this game! Don't let your friends fuck it! It's '''unfuckworthy!'''

=== [[w:Battletoads|Battletoads]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' ''Battletoads'' on Nintendo. Now, don't worry, it's a good game. It's actually one of the most memorable games in the NES library. But when it first came out, a lot of people were thinkin', &quot;What is this, a cheap ''Ninja Turtles'' knockoff, or somethin'?&quot; But, uh, it was actually pretty good-- ''[he turns to his right and notices Kyle]'' Who the fuck are you?
:'''Kyle:''' I'm your guitar guy. ''[the Nerd doesn't get it.]'' I sing your theme song... from... behind the couch.
:'''The Nerd:''' Well then, go back behind the damn '''''COUCH!''''' Geez!
:'''Kyle:''' You know, that's not the welcome I really expected.
:'''The Nerd:''' Well, look, you can't just sit here while I do the review.
:'''Kyle:''' ''[stutters]'' Why can't I do the review with you?
:'''The Nerd:''' Oh, uh-- '''''because that's not how it WORKS!''''' It's, like, I play the game, and you-- Get your ass back ''behind the'' '''FUCKIN''''  '''''COUCH!!'''''
:'''Kyle:''' ''[angrily; while fighting back his tears]'' I don't ever get to do anything; you don't even use my song that much anymore.
:'''The Nerd:''' Why are you always behind my damn couch anyway?!
:'''Kyle:''' There are no other couches to go behind!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': The intro shows 3 toads: Rash, Pimple, &amp; Zitz. Why such disgusting names? How about Herpes, Genital Warts, &amp; Gonorrhea?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Level 3 restarts]''
:'''The Nerd''': What? You ''gotta'' be fuckin' kidding me. YOU died, but we ''both'' have to restart the level!
:'''Kyle:''' Sorry.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Kyle:''' ''[singing]'' ''He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard...''
:'''The Nerd''': '''YOU BET YOUR ''ASS!!!'''''

=== [[w:Dick Tracy (video game)|Dick Tracy]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': Remember when everybody was talkin' about ''Dick Tracy?'' 1990, the Warren Beatty film comes out. Everybody went from &quot;Who's Dick Tracy?&quot; to '''''&quot;WHOA,''''' Dick Tracy's the '''''SHIT!'''''&quot; It was like a contemporary film noir; stylish with colorful comic book-style visuals and an all-star cast: Al Pacino, Dustin Hoffman, fuckin' Madonna, but it was kinda over-the-top and silly.
:'''Big Boy''': You dumb Dick.
:'''The Nerd''': It was all right, but its popularity was short-lived. I think it was just an excuse for the kids to say &quot;Dick&quot;.
:'''Flattop''': I guess that's the end of Dick.
:'''Itchy''': Yeah. 30 seconds, no more Dick! 30 seconds, no more Dick!
:'''Big Boy:''' Dumb Dick.
:'''The Nerd:''' You know, [[w:Dick Van Dyke|Dick Van Dyke]] is in the movie. ''[turns to the camera]'' You think that's enough Dicks? ''[holds up the &quot;Dick Tracy&quot; VHS to the camera]'' Like, seriously, when this movie came out, I never said &quot;Dick&quot; so much before in my life. Every kid on the block was runnin' around sayin' &quot;Dick Tracy&quot;, &quot;Dick Tracy&quot;, &quot;Dick this&quot; and &quot;Dick that&quot;! My dad said, &quot;Can't you just call him Richard Tracy?&quot; And I was like, &quot;You know... how is 'Dick' short for 'Richard'?&quot; That doesn't even make any sense. It's like Bill and William, or Jim and James. But at least Bill and Will rhyme, and Jim and James both start with a J. But Richard and Dick? Like, nobody ever says &quot;Dickard&quot;.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' So you get to 5th &amp; B, you go inside, and then the game goes to a side-scroller mode. ''[Zooms in on Dick Tracy's in-game sprite]'' What the hell's wrong with Dickard? He looks like he's got a bad suntan.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' So I go straight over to 8th &amp; J, and it's swarming with bad guys. Even going into this place with full health, it's hard to survive to the end. It's hard as Dick. 
:'''The Nerd:''' So, I get to Numbers, I arrest him, and then...I need more ''evidence?''
:''[footage of the game with Dick Tracy's superior officer scolding him by saying, &quot;You need more evidence before you can arrest someone, Tracy! What's wrong with you?&quot; Apparently, the Nerd is just appalled by this, and this is apparently James D. Rolfe's true anger.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' ''[voice cracks]'' You gotta be fuckin' kidding me! That's '''''ridiculous!''''' Like, '''''what?!''''' Like, you have to travel all around and go to five different buildings, four to get the clues, and then the last one to arrest Numbers! ''All without dying once!'' '''THAT'S WHORESHIT!''' ​And I didn't say &quot;horseshit,&quot; I said ''&quot;whorefuck&quot;.'' '''LIKE A ''WHORE'' TAKIN' A ''FUCK!''''' ''[drinks some Rolling Rock]'' You know, remember when you were a little kid, it was fuckin' Friday, you did all your homework, and you rented a game from the local video store. And this was it, this was your whole weekend; this one game. You didn't have anything else to do, so you had no choice, '''''but to keep playing THAT FIRST PART OF THE GAME OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN!'' AND IT'S LIKE, &quot;YOU KNOW WHAT?&quot; IT'S LIKE, &quot;I WANNA SEE THE REST OF THE GAME, ''YOU CAN'T JUST LET THE GAME FUCKIN' WIN LIKE THAT!&quot;''''' So, '''''THAT'S''''' why you don't give up.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' It begs the question: &quot;Are there '''any''' health power-ups?&quot; And to tell you the truth, I've heard that there is. But I haven't found any, not ''one''. I actually found a heart, yeah, a fuckin' heart, but it did absolutely nothing at all. Yeah, a fuckin' heart that did fuckin' nothing! So, where the power-ups are, I have no idea, but they're probably not in any of the main buildings. They're probably in some obscure building that you wouldn't think to go in anyway, and the roof is probably covered with snipers, which defeats the whole purpose of going there.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' I have another update: I've been informed countless times that the hearts ''are'' the power-ups. So, if the hearts are the power-ups, why don't they do anything? Well, here's how it works. You have to select the fuckin' thing. It's called a First Aid Kit. And then you use it by pressing B, right? No, it still doesn't do jack-shit. You have to hold ''down'' Select and press B at the same time. But that doesn't work either, because as soon as you press Select, it goes to the next item. The trick is that you have to select the item that comes ''before'' the First Aid, and then hold ''down'' Select, so ''now'' the First Aid should be selected, while you're still holding Select. ''Then'' you press B, and there you go! ''How the fuck'' was I supposed to know that?! Why couldn't you just push B like all the other items? 'What kind of stupid fuckin' dick-brained idiot programmed it like that?!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' '''''THIS'' IS THE REASON WHY GAME GENIE WAS INVENTED! I'VE BEEN PLAYING THIS GAME FOR ALMOST 20 ''FUCKIN' YEARS,'' AND I STILL ''CAN'T GET PAST THE FIRST STAGE!''''' So why am I still trying? I don't know, I'm just a sucker for Dick Tracy. &quot;Sucker for Dick&quot;, ''that'' didn't sound good. I'm gonna tell you right now that anybody would have given up on this game had it not been for the name. They made one of the most frustrating games of all time, they took the name &quot;Dick Tracy&quot;, and slapped it on the cover just like slapping their own greedy dick! Well, if this game is dick, then we were the '''''balls.'''''
:'''The Nerd:''' And you know, I really wanted to give it a chance, because '''''I KINDA LIKED''''' the idea of finding clues, and figuring out where to go, like it made you think like a detective. But, '''''ONE guy?! No continues?!''''' Like, seriously, give me a reason why there's no continues. '''WHY ARE THERE NO CONTINUES?! ''WHY ARE THERE NO FUCKING CONTINUES?!?''''' &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''WHYYYYYYY?!?! AAAAGH!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt; 
:''[The Nerd guzzles down some more Rolling Rock, does a [[w:Mortal Kombat (1992 video game)|Mortal Kombat]] scream into his pillow, and then has a meltdown.]'' 
:'''The Nerd:''' ''[bellowing]'' '''''FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-FUCKING-FUCKING-FUCK! FUCKING-FUCK! FUUUUUCK!''''' ''[The Nerd finishes his Rolling Rock, grabs a drill and drills through the game as the cartridge spins uncontrollably, then the screen quickly cuts black as the Nerd smashes the game with a hammer.]''

=== [[w:Dracula in popular culture|Dracula]] ===

:'''AVGN''': ''(Playing [[w:The Count (video game)|The Count]] on the [[w:Commodore VIC-20|Commodore VIC-20]], the Nerd types in &quot;Eat pillow&quot; when the game text asks him what he wants to do. The game responds &quot;'''Yuck!'''&quot;)'' Okay, so I ate the pillow? I didn't expect that. &quot;Get up.&quot; ''(Game responds &quot;'''I'm in a bedroom. Closed window. Brass Bed. North.'''&quot;)'' Uhhh...okay. &quot;Go north.&quot; ''(Game responds &quot;'''OK. What shall I do now?'''&quot;)'' Okay, so I went north? What did that do? &quot;Go east.&quot; ''(Game responds &quot;'''OK. What shall I do now?'''&quot;)'' &quot;Go east again.&quot; ''(Game responds &quot;'''Use 1 or 2 words only!'''&quot;)'' Oh okay. I'll give you two words! &quot;Fuck you!&quot; ''(Game responds &quot;'''Don't know how to &quot;FUCK&quot; something.'''&quot; The Nerd looks on in shock, and does a facepalm)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(Playing the unreleased ''[[w:Drac's Night Out|Drac's Night Out]]'' on NES, which features [[w:Reebok Pump|Reebok Pumps]] as a power-up)'' Your only real power-ups are the Reebok Pumps. They let you run faster and jump higher. You really need to get these shoes, because without them, you get your ass handed to you. That's what I call a powerup, and that's what I call a promotion. Reebok Pumps! You ain't shit without it! Pump it up and air it out!

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:'''AVGN''': Even though it pisses me off, I can't really complain because this game was never released. It's like somebody took a fuck and buried it and then someone else decided to dig it up. It's like &quot;What do you expect?&quot;

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:'''AVGN''': ''(Upon finding the name of television producer [[w:Fred Fuchs|Fred Fuchs]] in the credits for ''[[w:Bram Stoker's Dracula (video game)|Bram Stoker's Dracula]]'' on SNES)'' Wait, who's this? Fred Fudge - Fred Fucks?! FRED FUCKS?! Fred Fucks! Oh my God, &quot;Fred Fucks&quot;! Ohh, my God, it's Fred Fucks! (Laughs awkwardly) Fred Fucks.

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:'''AVGN''': ''(Playing ''Bram Stoker's Dracula'' on Sega CD)'' I actually did manage to get to Dracula, at least in his first form, and he looks just as laughable as he did in the movie. But the most ridiculous part is when you die.
:'''Keanu Reeves:''' ''(Screams)''
:'''AVGN''': ''(Mimics scream)'' What the hell, is that clip even from the movie? I don't know, maybe it's from ''Bill &amp; Ted''.
:'''Keanu Reeves:''' ''(Screams)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%/&gt;
:'''AVGN''':  The game looks amazing for its time, but the control is what kills it. It's so awkward trying to jump. You fall through shit, and the attacks are so delayed. It's impossible to turn around and hit your enemies before they hit you, you just wish you had a whip or a sword or something, not your bare hands. All you get is this stupid little kick to kick the fuckin' rats. Yeah, that's all it is is just rats and bats. How many fucking games need to have bats? Like seriously, I know it's Dracula, but why does every game have every fucking bats?! Seriously. I! Fucking! Hate! Bats! ''(Bites and fights a bat as he throws a bat to the wall then he groans.)'' I'm sick of it all! Morning sun, VANQUISH ME!!! ''(Opens blinds as he cries out.)''

=== [[w:Frankenstein (disambiguation)|Frankenstein]] ===
:'''AVGN''': Alright, so tonight we'll do something a little different. Cause I haven't tortured myself enough with all these shitty games! So I created a monster to conduct the review for me. Behold, Franken-Nerd! I could really use another bolt of lightning! (lightning strikes and the Nerd pulls the switch) Yeah! It's alive! It's alive!

&lt;hr width&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': This is the game. [Franken-Nerd growls] ''[[w:Mary Shelley's Frankenstein (video game)|Mary Shelley's Frankenstein]]'' on Super Nintendo. Game, good.
:'''Mike Matei as Franken-Nerd''': Good.
:'''AVGN''': [chuckles] You bet your ass it's good. (The Nerd puts in the game) Here's the controller for you, hit start and knock yourself out. Have fun.

&lt;hr width&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(after shutting off Franken-Nerd, who was playing ''The Adventures of Dr. Franken'' for the Nerd up until then)'' The biggest mistake Dr. Frankenstein made. If you're gonna make a monster, you better be able to shut it down. ...But unfortunately, I can't shut off the game, for the monsters in my soul. It's my duty - (Chuckles) &quot;doody&quot; - to play it for myself and ''explain'' why this game sucks! 'Cause I created a monster, and there's no turning back.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(Playing ''[[w:Frankenstein: The Monster Returns|Frankenstein: The Monster Returns]]'' on the [[w:Nintendo Entertainment System|NES]]]'' Stage four is the final stage. Yeah they chose to keep the game as short as possible, yet as annoying as possible. This place is all fucked up. There's all these weird faces in the background. Like where are you supposed to be? Beside Satan's asshole?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': So now, just to try again I gotta type in the fucking password! It's so tedious! I mean it's not the longest password I've ever seen but it's still longer than necessary. But unlike most passwords if you move the d-pads to the sides, it doesn't move your cursor to the other side! So say your cursor's on the letter K and you need to move to J, in most games all you need to do is move your cursor left and it will show up on J. But here, you can't do that! You have to move the cursor all the way to the fucking J! A lot of effort considering J comes right before K. It's so fucked up. And, also, if you enter the password and it turns out that it's wrong, like if you messed up on one letter it erases the whole thing and you gotta type it in all over again! Why can't I just go back and fix the one letter? I really ''hate'' this password thing in general because, what's the point? You should have unlimited continues. Yeah, because the only reason you should have to put in a password is if you turn the game off and want to come back to it later. As long as you're still playing, you're gonna keep playing the same stages over and over and over again, so what's the point of sending you all the way back to the beginning? The earlier stages are the easiest, and those are the stages you end up playing the most. It's the later stages where you need the most practice! It's all about trial and error. Like imagine if in high school, you fail out of senior year. What happens? You do senior year again, right? You don't have to go back and do freshman year again! So, BOTTOM LINE, HAVE UNLIMITED CONTINUES! Goddammit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Anyway, I can't get past the vines so I'm going to cheat with Game Genie, the last resort. But check out these codes! &quot;Almost unlimited energy&quot;, &quot;Invincibility after losing first life - May cause the game to freeze&quot;, &quot;Start with no continues&quot;, &quot;Can not collect extra energy&quot;, and &quot;One hit is fatal&quot;! What kinds of codes are these!? Is there like some sick fuck who thinks the game isn't hard enough? Like somebody who wants to be tortured some more? Well, how about this? I got a code for you. How about a code that just starts you off dead? ''(Subtitle: &quot;PHUCKEWE&quot;)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': At first the code works fine but then I found out if you collect energy it takes life away. Not that you would need to collect energy, but it's kinda silly, isn't it? And, guess what, once you get to the vines, you still die! Well, that would have been nice! Why couldn't the code say Invincibility Except For The Vines? Even if you pass the vines the invinciblity goes away so you're left with your own wits to fight Frankenstein. So, fuck the Game Genie, and let me tell you when Game Genie doesn't help, you know you're fucked! ''(the Nerd throws the Game Genie.)'' So, you fight Frankenstein. His first form's pretty easy, but, then, he grows into a giant Super Frankenstein. Come on! Come on! Come on, you fucking Fuckinstein! ''(Lightning strikes the Franken-Nerd and he starts attacking the Nerd while he's fighting Super Frankenstein and a rock version of the Angry Video Game Nerd theme plays then the Nerd eventually beats Super Frankenstein)'' Yeah! ''(The NES Toploader electrocutes the TV as the TV explodes, an explosion kills the Franken-Nerd)''

=== [[w:CD-i|CD-i Part One]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Ohhhhh, boy, let’s talk about the Philips CD-i. Now, if you’re not familiar with the backstory, I’ll give you a quick little run-down. Nintendo was working in conjunction with Philips to produce a CD-based add-on for the Super NES, which never came through. Now Nintendo was also working with Sony on the same concept, and we all know what came of that: the PlayStation. (The Nerd holds up the PlayStation with both hands.) But as for Philips, they too made their own game console, however they had permission to utilize some of the Nintendo franchises. Now what came to that was a shitty Mario game, (Hotel Mario) and three shitty Zelda games: Link: The Faces of Evil, Zelda’s Adventure, and Zelda: The Wand of Gamelon. (The Nerd tries to open the awkward looking case for &quot;Wand of Gamelon.&quot;) (awkwardly) Okay. These games are ''notorious'' for their legendary ass suckage, which is hard to believe! How can there exist a bad ''Zelda'' game, let alone ''three'' of them? And on a console that's not Nintendo? Well if you haven't heard of 'em, you might think you're living under a rock, but let me tell you, it's a rock worth living under.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': But before we get to the ''Zelda'' games, let's start off with ''[[w:Hotel Mario|Hotel Mario]]''. The price on this one, I got to be honest, was zero because this one was a donation. Thanks, Casey! You might as well have sent me a turd wrapped in tinfoil.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': So, often, you find yourself having to hit up on the down arrow, and when you go down to the up arrow you press down. That's fucking confusing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The game is actually more reminiscent of arcade games from the early ‘80s like Donkey Kong and Mario Bros. And for something like that, Hotel Mario actually isn’t too bad. It is challenging, I’ll give it that, but the fact is, this was not the early ‘80s; this was 1994, and it was a next-generation console. Originally, they planned to release a sequel to [[w:Super Mario World|Super Mario World]] titled [[w:Super Mario’s Wacky Worlds|Super Mario's Wacky Worlds]], but it was cancelled, and what we got was this. (Hotel Mario) End of story. Well, all the CD-i stuff is a shit sandwich that’s too big for one mouthful. So check in for Part 2, we’re gonna look at the Zelda games.

=== [[w:CD-i|CD-i Part Two]] ===
:'''AVGN''': ''(discussing the boss battles)'' When you kill them, you get these amusing cutscenes.
:'''Hectan''': You've killed me!
:'''Zelda''': Good!
:'''AVGN''': ''(horrified face)'' &quot;Good!&quot; ''(laughs)'' &quot;You killed me!&quot; &quot;Good!&quot; ''(laughs insanely, then starts saying &quot;FUCK!&quot; in a very chicken-like voice while giving both middle fingers. Then he stops and picks up Rolling Rock)'' Gotta calm down. ''(drinks it, then resumes playing)'' Oh, man, I'm going completely insane. But I can't quit because I'm up to Ganon.
:'''Ganon''': YOU DARE BRING LIGHT TO MY LAIR!? YOU MUST DIE!
:'''AVGN''': He looks like a joke! He makes the Ganon from the cartoon series look badass!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Well, in conclusion, some might say that there are redeeming factors to this game. The music's pretty cool, and the graphics are nice and colorful. Some might call it a &quot;mixed bag.&quot; But let me tell you what kind of mixed bag. It’s a trash bag that's had a bad day. Like, say, your mom cleans out the cat litter; fresh and stale doody pebbles go right in the bottom of the bag. And then your sister throws out her used tampons, and where do they go? In the same bag. And then your brother comes home, piss-ass drunk, just upchucks, pukes right into the bag! Now, I'm not trying to be disgusting, but that is a realistic situation, and what it all comes down to, that's a nasty bag. But I'd rather take that shit out to the garbage than deal with this piece of fuck! Fuck this game, get out of my face!

=== [[w:CD-i|CD-i Part Three]] ===

:'''AVGN''': ''(Playing ''[[w:CD-i games based on The Legend of Zelda series|Link: The Faces of Evil]]'')'' And the jumping is still a big problem. Come on, why can't I get up there? ''(Link falls off platform)'' Oh, your mother! ''(Link jumps up and misses)'' Oh, you son of a bitch. Get up there! ''(Link jumps up and misses again, later falls off ledge)'' ''Ungh!'' ''(Link jumps up and misses once again)'' It's time to start droppin' some F-Bombs! ''(as literal F-Bombs fly from his mouth)'' FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The darkness is still a huge issue. Look, my lantern oil ran out, so I can't find my way back. So I'm really up Shit Creek without a paddle! And that means I'm paddling through the shit with my hands.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Talking to people is still a strange ordeal. Why do you have to shove a sword up their ass? Right up their ass.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Then you gotta wake Zelda. Come on! I'm here to rescue your royal ass. Get the hell up! Wake the fuck up! ''(swings the sword at the gong above Zelda)'' Oh, I get it.
:'''Link:''' I just saved you from Ganon! I won!
:'''AVGN''': Nothing short of poetry.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': In other Zelda games, there’s secret passageways that transport you all around the dungeon. That makes sense. But here, when you’re just walking to the next screen, and suddenly appear some place different on the map, it’s like, &quot;What the Hell happened to this game?&quot; I don't believe this! Like, [Stammers] I seriously don't believe this! ''[drinks beer]'' That's it, that's all I can take. How could they fuck up ''Zelda'' this bad!? It's not a ''Zelda'' game, I wouldn't call it that. &quot;Oh, but it is. It has Zelda in it, it has Link...&quot; Yeah, you know what, that's a pointless argument right there. That's like if your dad said, &quot;I fucked your mom.&quot; It's like: &quot;I can't argue with that!&quot; Playing these games is as worthwhile as melting a dog turd in a frying pan. Yeah, put some buffalo puke and some cat piss all over it, and you have a shit sandwich that is Zelda CD-i! This game FUCKING SUCKS! ''(hurls a game off-screen)'' FUCKING SUCKS! ''(hurls a second game off-screen)'' FUCKING SUCKS! ''(hurls a third game off-screen)'' Oh yeah, and the ''Mario'' game? That one sucks too! ''(hurls ''Hotel Mario'' off-screen)'' CD-i SUCKS!!! ''(as the screen fade to black, AVGN is heard seemingly hurling the CD-i console itself as well)''

=== Bible Games II ===

:'''AVGN''': Welcome to another sacrilegious Christmas fuck-fest! Now, two years ago, I played a bunch of Bible games. Yeah, now would you believe there's actually more of them? (He holds more Bible games) Like, who makes video games based off the Bible? Why would you do that? These games suck ass! If I was God, I'd be pissed.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(playing ''[[w:Exodus (video game)|Exodus]]'' on the NES)'' So the exit appears, you take it and then you get a bunch of Bible questions such as &quot;'''The king of Egypt told the Hebrew midwives to: Kill male babies; Kill all babies;'''&quot; &quot;Kill all babies&quot;? I'm playing an NES game that says &quot;''Kill all babies''&quot;? And you know what? That's the wrong answer, so that obviously means that's something they made up. &quot;Kill all babies&quot;!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(playing ''[[w:Sunday Funday|Sunday Funday]]'' which is a clone of Menace Beach)'' Instead of trying to rescue your girl, you're not even going to believe this when I tell you, you're trying to get to Sunday school. Yeah. Now, as much as that's the dumbest idea I've ever heard for a game, what I don't understand is why that's so difficult! Who ''are'' these raging atheists that don't want you to go to church!? It's bad enough that the entire town is trying to stop you, but what's with the flying clowns, the old ladies coming out of boxes, and animals coming out of sewer holes? What's this guy's problem? Like why does everyone want him dead? I'd say he's having quite a day. And the funny thing is, he probably gets to church and doesn't even mention it, like: &quot;Oh what did you do on this Sunday morning before church?&quot; &quot;Oh, well I flew on a balloon that I got from some clown, and then I went through the sewers and beat up a bunch of plumbers. I hopped on some frog and bounced around on a bunch of springs and shit, then I threw a bomb and blew some guy's fuckin' face off.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': All right, well that's enough with that one. It's time to wrap things up. I've got something to blow the lid off the crap barrel. Time to flick the shit switch, turn up the diarrhea dial! IT'S BIBLE GAMES ON CD-I!! Yeah! We're living on the edge! More like living on a prayer!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(playing'' Pyramid Pursuit ''on'' Moses: The Exodus'' for CD-i)'' The voices are the fuckest baloney shit you'll ever hear.
:'''Anubis statue''': ''(in monotone)'' I'm an idol worshipped by many. There's someone downstairs who worships me.
:'''AVGN''': What is it, a robot?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Alright, well I'm done. There's not really any more Bible games, or at least ones that actually qualify as games. There's one on Game Boy called The King James Bible. It's extremely rare, but all it is is literally the whole Bible on a Game Boy cartridge. So I'm gonna draw the line right there. So have a Happy Holidays and all that good shit. Merry Christmas to all, and all a good fucking night!

=== [[w:Michael Jackson's Moonwalker|Michael Jackson's Moonwalker]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' I think Dave Chappelle said it best, he made ''Thriller. [opens the vinyl record of &quot;Thriller&quot;] Thriller.''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Now, I know what we're all thinking here, but really, that's all it is. You're just rescuing the kids.
:''[He is shocked to learn that you can make Michael Jackson grab his crotch.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Why...? Why would they put that in the game?! ''How'' could they put that in the game?!

=== [[w:Milon's Secret Castle|Milon's Secret Castle]] ===
:''[Milon runs out a door, and gets hit by lightning in-game.]'' 
:'''The Nerd''': Fuck.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': I'm gonna give you a little tour. Here's the first part of the game. You could explore the whole outside of the castle, but you can't go up to the second level yet. For now, all you have is three doors and a window. The first door leads to a room that has nothing interesting. The only thing interesting here is an area with a bunch of money. But how the Hell do you get over there? It's like the game is deliberately taunting you. &quot;Hey, you want that money, don't ya? You want that money, yeah, you want that money, you want that money? Yeah, well '''fuck you''', you can't have it!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So, that's when you need... the power. ''[The Nerd puts down the controller and gets out his Nintendo Power magazine.]'' ''Nintendo Power''! It's like: &quot;You wanna know how to beat the game? Well, you gotta '''buy our magazine''', you dumb little shits!&quot; 
:'''The Nerd''': This is the ''Classified Information'' section. Usually, this is all about cheats. &quot;''Golgo 13'': Stage Select. ''Spy Hunter'': Start with all weapons. ''Wizards and Warriors'': Bypass the Wizard! ''Mario 2'': Short Cuts to Birdo. ''Milon's Secret Castle'': Getting Started?&quot; That's not a cheat! That's just how to play the fuckin' game! The basic rules of the game needed ''Nintendo Power''. ''That''... is some fuck!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''':''Milon's Secret Castle''. More like '''''Milon's SHITTY ASSHOLE'''''!

== Season Four ==

=== [[w:Atari Jaguar|Atari Jaguar Part One]] ===
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': This started a little trend I like to call the &quot;Bit Wars.&quot; Nobody ever talked about bits before that and nobody ever talked about bits since. And what are bits, anyway? Nobody knew, they're just bits! Try explaining that to your parents. &quot;Well I want a [[w:Super Nintendo|Super Nintendo]] for Christmas!&quot; &quot;Don't you already have a Nintendo?&quot; &quot;Yeah, but this one's 16 bit!&quot; &quot;What's that?&quot; &quot;...I dunno!&quot;

=== [[w:Atari Jaguar|Atari Jaguar Part Two]] ===

:'''AVGN''': ''(playing ''[[w:Attack of the Mutant Penguins|Attack of the Mutant Penguins]]'')'' This is the weirdest game I've ever played. I mean, it's not ''bad'' if you're drunk or high or something, but how did they come up with this shit? I got it. I could come up with a game like this. How about, you're a shark? And you gotta shake palm trees 'til trains fall down. And you put the trains in an apple and then turkeys come and eat the apples, and then the turkeys go up waterfalls and to get them down, you have to collect monkey butts. So you drop the monkey butts on power lines and... ''(trails off and mimes his brain exploding)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Skylar''': ''(the green face from ''[[w:Cybermorph|Cybermorph]]'' appears from behind AVGN's futon and chases him off)'' Where did ''you'' learn to fly? Where did ''you'' learn to fly? Where did ''you'' learn to fly?
:'''AVGN''': ''(shoots Skylar's image with the Super Scope)'' Where'd ''you'' learn to be an ''asshole''?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''':There's something about this that perplexes me. You have a game console, that not many people owned, so you make an add-on that requires owning the game console. What were they thinking?! It should've just been its own individual game system. Besides, the fucking thing has its own AC adapter. So, that's two. One for the Jaguar, and one for the Jaguar CD. And that's some cool looking design. It looks just like a toilet. Yeah! It's a fucking toilet! What a perfect analogy. 

&lt;hr width&quot;50$%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Well, thanks for trying. And thanks for the Pong console. Would you believe that a 30-year-old Pong console attached to a cell phone adapter would work, but a cutting-edge, snarling Jaguar doesn't? There's something wrong here. And you know what? I blew 250 bucks on this thing. So, you know what I did? Bought another one. Yeah, and guess what? It doesn't work, either! So, that's about $450 total I blew on two dead Jaguars. And these things are rare! So when the only two that I can manage to get my hands on just don't work, that leads me to believe that these things most definitely are self-aware. They don't wanna work! You can't make 'em! They just REFUSE to be reviewed! And I've never had that happen. So, the end... I gotta take a shit.

=== [[w:Metal Gear (video game)|Metal Gear]] ===
:'''AVGN''': And his full name is [[w:Solid Snake|Solid Snake]]? Might as well just be Erect Cock!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': What!? '''You son-of-a-bitch!''' The enemies respawn if you use the binoculars! You can't do anything! Was this a glitch?! Or were the game designers deliberately trying to be '''FUCKIN' ASSHOLES!!?''' Seriously! And this whole jungle scene wasn't even in the original version. Like, &quot;Hmm, let's see, what kind of stupid shit can we add? Let's take a great game and just dump an assload of diarrhea all over it.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': This game is the fucking crust between your balls. It's terrible! And yeah, I know it's a classic game, but when something's fucked up, it's fucked up. So if you wanna rip me a new asshole, that's fine. I have like 12. Yeah, I've got a [[w:Charlie Brown|Charlie Brown]] ghost ass.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': And it's not just me. [[w:Hideo Kojima|Hideo Kojima]] himself said &quot;It slurped anal grease through a warthog's dickhole.&quot; Well, he didn't say it like that, he said it wasn't faithful to his original game.

=== [[w:Magnavox Odyssey|Odyssey]] ===

:'''AVGN''': These are the games. Pretty elaborate, right? The titles are the best part. Like what are some of the games you grew up with? Maybe ''Wrecking Crew'' on the NES, or ''After Burner'' on the Sega Master System, or, how about, game number 1 on the Odyssey?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Now let's try the skiing game. All you do is move the light through the slopes, and with these controllers, it's harder than it looks. The only goal is to stay in the line and see how fast you can get to the end. It's up to the other player to keep time. Now THAT is what you would call a ''desperate'' attempt at a video game.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': This one's called &quot;Analogic&quot;. Yeah, that sounds fun: It's like the logic in your ass. It's supposed to take place in outer space. You each start on your own planet. I guess maybe Uranus and My-anus!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(talking about the name-the-United-State game)'' I also love how the instructions tell you that Alaska and Hawaii aren't really down there ''(below the 48 consecutive states)''. Hey, Nerdy Turd, did you know that Hawaii isn't really south of Texas?
:'''Nerdy Turd:''' ''(raspberry)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': So now, let's see what the Odyssey Gun looks like. ''(removes the peripheral, resembling an authentic rifle, out of its box)'' Well, the Odyssey doesn't fuck around. I mean, this is what you'd call a ''gun''. I mean look at it! It's a gun! It's a fucking rifle! I mean, they could never get away with this nowadays! You could never, ever... it ju- it just blows my mind that there could exist a video game console that has a gun like this! ''(expresses happiness)'' Let's try it out! (hooks up the Odyssey gun and fires it, accidentally shooting a hole in his TV screen)

=== [[w:List of X-Men video games|X-Men]] ===
:'''AVGN''': Anyway, with a concept like ''X-Men'', you'd expect a great game. Or at least, a fairly decent game. All the characters and powers and shit... How hard could it be? Well, we are doomed from the very start. Take a look: ''(holds up ''[[w:The Uncanny X-Men (video game)|The Uncanny X-Men]]'' for NES)'' Somebody makes an ''X-Men'' game for Nintendo, why in the love of fuck does it have to be [[w:LJN|LJN]]? You take one look at that logo, and you just know: There is no gold at the end of that rainbow, because this, my friends, is the unholy stamp of death.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': How I can be frozen with a character that's called Iceman? I'd be better off with Iceman from ''Top Gun''.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The X-Men game I remember most fondly is the [[w:X-Men (1992 video game)|arcade]] by Konami. Some versions have six players and a double panoramic screen. It was extremely monotonous, but satisfying as all Hell.
:'''Magneto''': X-Men, welcome to die!
:'''AVGN''': Welcome to die? Okay. It was a classic style beat 'em up, and one of the best in that category. Only problem: it was never released on a home console. It suffered the same fate as Konami's Simpsons game. Some might say these games would have been butchered on their home counterparts, but if you look at how well Turtles in Time fared on the Super NES, it only raises the question: &quot;Why the fuck not do the same to X-Men and Simpsons?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': When it comes to X-Men games, that's how I recommended. But the two NES versions? Stay away. Stay away as far as possible. They suck. They suck balls! This one sucks my left ball, this one sucks my right ball! WELCOME TO DIE! ''(destroys the NES games with laser beams from his eyes)''

=== [[w:Terminator video games|The Terminator]] ===
:''[Terminator-styled AVGN intro, followed by the Nerd picking up the NES &quot;Terminator&quot; cartridge. He uses Terminator vision to choose from a selection of responses: &quot;This sucks!&quot;, &quot;No way!&quot;, &quot;Oh no!&quot;, &quot;What a piece of fucking dog shit!&quot; and &quot;Go to Hell!&quot;. He settles on &quot;What a piece of fucking dog shit!&quot;]''
:'''The Nerd''': What a piece of fuckin dog shit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[He returns to NES Terminator after mining lives by attaching a wrench to the controller]'' Alright, I'm back. I'm all refreshed, ready to play some more ''Terminator'' with all new extra lives. All 6 of 'em... ''[The Nerd stops after he finds out that he still only has 6 lives]'' ''(shocked)'' 6? '''''Only 6?!'''''  OK, I gotta be honest. It's only one digit, I didn't expect more than nine. But why a random number like 6?! That means that some fucked up masochist actually programmed it that way, and made a decision, &quot;Hmm, let's see. Well, anything more than 6, that's too much.&quot; Fuckin' asshole! The only thing I can think of now, is to wait 'til you die 5 times and do it again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing the SNES game]'' After such a long sprint, you'd think that thing was maybe the boss, but no, how naïve. So you keep running this everlasting shitty marathon, shooting shit and getting shit shot at you. Eventually you come to the boss, right? It's certainly big enough to be the boss, and it certainly took long enough to get this far. I'm gonna say it's the boss. Come on, die! Die! Yeah, alright, that's it. What now? What? Are you fucking kidding me? Holy mother in fucking God shit holy mackerel gosh damn, how is it not over yet?! How long could this first level possibly go?! Unless maybe the whole game is like this! I just can't fuckin' believe it! So I died, like anybody would. Game Over. First level goes on forever. Can't beat it. End of story. The game's impossible.

=== [[w:Terminator video games|Terminator 2: Judgement Day]] ===

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''[on ''Terminator 2'' on SNES]'' All I can say is, my ''God,'' the control is ''so'' bad. It's so stiff, and you can't punch anyone when they're too close. But check out the jump. What is that good for? It's like he's a marionette, or he's being hanged by an invisible rope. ''(The Terminator hops forward awkwardly)'' Like, holy Lord, that is some fuck right there. Look at him go! Wooo, wooo, wooo! ''(chuckling)'' Oh, God. I can't see the reasoning behind it. You can't make something that funny by accident. They took somebody as badass as the Terminator, and made him into a mockery. It's a fuckin' joke! And I'm not just doin' this to be funny, it's because of how slow he walks. The only way to go any faster is to hop around like a fuckin' idiot.

=== [[w:Transformers: Convoy no Nazo|Transformers]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': Let me ask a question. What kind of format do you usually play video games on? Cartridges, CDs, cards, floppy disks... how about an audio cassette? Isn't that just a weird thought to play a game on a friggin' cassette tape? This is Transformers for the Commodore 64, the computer that is most definitely more than meets the eye.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[reviewing ''[[w:The Transformers (1986 video game)|Transformers]]'' on the Commodore 64]'' By the way, I'm at a farm with a dinosaur stepping on a space shuttle. I have no comment.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Wouldn't you think that a game based on the Transformers would have more emphasis on action rather than this strategic simulation thing? Well, guess what? There was a Transformers game that was a side-scroller. But only in Japan. Let me introduce the Nintendo Famicom. Simply put, this is the Japanese [[w:Nintendo Entertainment System|NES]]. Very different from that gray box, isn't it? This one's smaller and it's a top-loader. It has a nice dust tray. And the controller's attached to the console, which is efficient. But the wires are too short, and they're hardwired into the console, so you can never change them. The controllers are the same; Select, Start, B, A. But the second controller, instead of Select and Start, it has a microphone. Very few games utilized this. From what I understand, in The Legend of Zelda, you kill Pols Voice by making a loud noise into the mic. Of course that's only in the Japanese version, but the manual still says that Pols Voice hates loud noises, which only mystified players outside of Japan. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[reviewing &quot;Transformers: Convoy no Nazo&quot;]'' Everything's so small, so fast, and moves at such irregular patterns, hitting your mark is like trying to piss into a shot glass that's spinning on a record player that's strapped to a running cheetah's back while you're riding a unicycle on a tightrope blindfolded.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[the Nerd is fighting the boss battle against [[w:Megatron (Transformers)|Megatron]] in stage nine.]''
:'''The Nerd''': It's the end of the road, Megatron!  UUNNNHH! '''HUUAAH!''' '''''HUNNNGGHH!'''''! Come on, come on, die! Hugh! ''[defeats Megatron]'' BOOM! Yeeeaaaah!!! Now that's some intense shit right there. In conclusion, all I can say about this game--
:''[as the Nerd is talking, the level startup music plays and the stage theme begins playing again, this time for the tenth and final stage. The Nerd pauses the game in disbelief.]''
:'''The Nerd''': Stage ''ten?'' I fuckin' beat Megatron, who the hell could be next? Fuckin' &quot;stage ten&quot;, my ass! I'm guessing if Megatron's not the final boss, it's gotta be [[w:Galvatron|Galvatron]] or maybe [[w:Unicron|Unicron]] or Fuckitron, who knows. 
:''[the final boss of the game is [[w:Trypticon|Trypticon]], who is in his form that makes him strongly resemble [[w:Mechagodzilla|Mecha-Godzilla]].]''
:'''The Nerd''': Oh. It's Mecha-Godzilla. Of course. I should've known.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So now, is it any wonder why this game was never released outside of Japan? ''''''CAUSE NOBODY ELSE WANTS TO PLAY THIS FUCKIN' SHIT!''''' Well, I gotta do what I gotta do. ''[points the Zapper at the Famicom]'' One shall stand, one shall-- ''[the Famicom transforms into Optimus Prime.]'' Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa. Who are you?
:'''Optimus Prime:''' My name is Optimus Prime.
:'''The Nerd''': Well, you don't look anything like-- ''[Optimus blasts the Nerd with a laser]'' '''''Ugh!'''''
:'''Optimus Prime:''' ''[using audio from ''[[w:The Transformers: The Movie|The Transformers: The Movie]]'']'' (You, who are without mercy, now plead for it?) I thought you were made of sterner stuff.

=== [[w:Mario is Missing|Mario Is Missing]] ===

:'''AVGN''': What's this say? &quot;Koopas seem to have gotten clean away with King Kong&quot;? Are you telling me you're supposed to return [[w:King Kong|King Kong]] to the [[w:Empire State Building|Empire State Building]]? This blows my mind on '''so''' many levels. First of all, how did the Koopas capture King Kong? Second, why is New York City concerned that King Kong was stolen from the Empire State Building? Remember when the planes were tryin' to shoot him down? Isn't it pretty clear they want Kong '''''off''''' the building? Third, if this is supposed to be an educational game teaching us things that belong to New York City, '''''WHY IN THE HOLY MOTHER OF FUCK DID THEY CHOOSE A GIANT APE THAT DOESN'T EVEN EXIST?!''''' Fourth, the bag. Okay, King Kong is like, 50 feet tall or somethin'? But in this game, they made him out to be, like, 1,500 feet. How big ''is'' he exactly? Well, if bigger than the Empire State Building isn't a good enough analogy, then let's just say, '''''A LOT BIGGER THAN THAT FUCKIN' BAG!''''' And fifth, I can't grasp the concept that King Kong is in a ''Mario'' game, the same character that was a direct inspiration for Donkey Kong, who also appeared in games with the Mario character. Are we running into some kinda paradox here or what?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': There's sort of like a help desk where you're supposed to return the object or the landmark or whatever, but the lady at the window won't talk to you unless you call Yoshi to come and give ya an extra boost. Okay, so are you telling me that the reason that stupid bitch won't talk to you at first is because Luigi is too short to reach the window? For fuck's sake, he can jump higher than the shittin' thing! How stupid do they think we are?! &quot;'''Use Yoshi to reach the help desk'''&quot;. Well, how about use my greasy Italian plumber cock to whack you across the fuckin' face!?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': You know what? Educate me. '''Please''' educate me. Because, I'm goin' through sensory deprivation! I'm so fuckin' bored I'd rather go back to school than play this shit!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Educational or not, these games are '''''horrible''''' abominations of space and time that give insult to the very fabric of nature itself! In other words... they suck.

=== [[w:Plumbers Don't Wear Ties|Plumbers Don't Wear Ties]] ===

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I remember in the early '90s seeing commercials for the 3DO. It was advertised as the most advanced game system and it forced itself right into your face, like: &quot;If you don't get this thing, you're gonna get left in the dust.&quot; It even went out of its way to insult Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis, saying that those are just baby toys. Well, everybody I knew had those &quot;baby toys&quot; and nobody--I repeat, NOBODY, I have ever met owned a 3DO. Probably because its price in the US was $700. I mean, FUCK. But you better buy it, because this is the real gaming console. That was its slogan, REAL, because it's a real pieceashit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Well, the game is called &quot;Plumbers Don't Wear Ties&quot;, so I guess it makes sense. He's a plumber, and I don't see him wearing a tie. ''(The moment he says tie, John is shown wearing a tie.)'' ''What the fuck?'' You can't even trust the fuckingdamn title!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Thresher:''' You know, perhaps something can be worked out after all. ... Take your clothes off, Jane.
:'''AVGN''': Oh shit.
:'''Thresher:''' You know, we get at least 200 qualified applicants for every position here. It's those people who do that little extra thing. They're the ones who get head-I mean get ahead.
:'''AVGN''': Oh, what a bad joke. It doesn't even have any relevance now. He just told her to take off her clothes. He might as well say straight out, &quot;Suck my cock.&quot;
:'''Thresher:''' TAKE YOUR DAMN CLOTHES OFF!
:'''AVGN''': What a pervert! And what's with all the filters? ''(wrong answer sound effect plays)''
:'''Narrator''': Now see how your sick curiosity led Jane into this mess?
:'''AVGN''': Time for another decision. Either she refuses to take off her clothes, or she accepts. Now, wait a minute. The first decision says, &quot;Our heroine declines the disgusting proposal!&quot; But in the image, she seems to be taking off her clothes. While running away, but still. It doesn't make any sense. Did they swap the images by accident? So let's go with the more interesting choice. ''(Jane is now shown undressed, holding a whip and handcuffs)'' ''Damn!'' She just happened to have a whip and handcuffs?! ''(imitating Thresher)'' Wow, I'd no idea she'd actually do it! ''(Jane now has Thresher, in his underwear, on his knees in an S&amp;M position. The Nerd is utterly shocked by this scene.)'' WHAT KIND OF FUCKED-UP GAME IS THIS!!? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Now for the final choice. Either, &quot;'''I want the Hollywood ending!'''&quot; or &quot;'''Gimme something different.'''&quot; Yeah, you know what? Give me something different. Give me a different fuckin' game! ''(tosses the game away)'' This is one of the worst things I have ever seen in my life. On the box, it says, &quot;Plays like a game...but feels like a MOVIE!!!&quot; Well that's horse shit. It does not play like a game, and it ''certainly'' does not feel like a movie. It's a slideshow that verges on being softcore porn. But it isn't that either! ''(video goes into different still photos of the Nerd with filters and crazy objects inserted.)'' It's like some kind of experimental art project. If I just made a bunch of shit and put all kinds of filters on it, that would be the same as this miserable pile of fuck. It would also be the same to go take a shit on a piece of toast on top of a roof while wearing a fish mask singing I’m Too Sexy.

=== [[w:The Bugs Bunny Crazy Castle|The Bugs Bunny Crazy Castle]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': All right. That's it. I'm done with this game. I'd rather press my face against a hippopotamus' butt while it muck-spreads! That's when a hippo takes a shit; rather than allowing the shit to drop from its anus, it presses its tail against its ass crack, waving it back and forth, shredding the shit all over the place! That's as much fun as this game is, like putting a turd in a fan or a band saw. You just don't do it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Come on, I thought toons like to get beat up!
:'''Bugs Bunny:''' We do, doc. But you know what we don't like? Getting shit on the '''FUCKIN' ''FACE!!'''''

=== [[w:Super Pitfall|Super Pitfall!]] ===
:'''AVGN''': ''[At the beginning of the game, Pitfall Harry climbs down the first ladder and dies]'' Nice. Fucking beautiful. The first ladder you see drops you into a pit where you get killed by a bird or a bat, whatever it is. And even if it wasn't there, I'd fall on the spikes. So it's basically death insurance. &quot;Let's put every kind of obstacle we can possibly think of in the very beginning of the game.&quot; You know, I'm disappointed. Couldn't there have been lava on top of the spikes, with fire sharks swimming in it? Couldn't there be more spikes coming from the sides ready to close in and squash me while stabbing at the same time? How 'bout some laser cannons and upside down volcanoes? You want to be even more efficient? Why even have the ladder? Why not just start the game falling down the pit? Fuckin' assholes! [sighs] Talk about a beginner's trap. They sure nailed it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': So we're jumping around in thin air, trying to find different suits, like spades, hearts and diamonds. What purpose does this have? I found the princess... does he need to play Poker with her or something?

=== [[w:Godzilla video games|Godzilla]] ===

:'''AVGN''': ''(failing to defeat [[wikipedia:Mechagodzilla|Mechagodzilla]]]'' THAT FUCKIN' TIME LIMIT! THAT MOTHERFUCKIN'-SHIT-SUCKIN' TIME LIMIT! It's not even like there's a counter! It's like the game just pulls the plug! Like: &quot;Oh, you're gonna win? Well not anymore, ya ass-backed fecal-fucker shit-faced anus brain!&quot; The game cheats. That's it. That's all there is to it. The game fuckin' cheats.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(reviewing ''[[w:Godzilla (Game Boy)|Godzilla]]'' on Game Boy)'' How could they do this to the king of the monsters!? They might as well have Godzilla in a clown suit jumping on a pogo stick. I'm not even gonna waste my time with this shit. The best way to sum this up is to recite a very famous quote from [[w:William Shakespeare|William Shakespeare]]: &quot;Fuck it!&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': 15 years later, I'm still pissed. All I wanted was a good Godzilla game, but my childhood passed me by, and I never got it. [He drinks beer] But nowadays, there's plenty of Godzilla games: ''[[w:Godzilla: Destroy All Monsters Melee|Godzilla Destroy All Monsters Melee]]'', ''[[w:Godzilla: Save the Earth|Godzilla: Save the Earth]]'', and ''[[w:Godzilla: Unleashed|Godzilla: Unleashed]]''. This is after my time. I don't know anything about this here PlayStation 2 and Xbox shit. But I'm gonna give it a try.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(Comparing modern-day ''Godzilla'' games to the above titles)'' These games suck Baragon's sweaty ballsack! I'd rather get an electric shock from suckin' Mecha-Godzilla's mechanical wiener! These games are ''shit, drizzling'' out of the Smog Monster's rancid putrid a-hole! And then, being swallowed and barfed up by Anguirus while I lay on his spikes getting Gigan's buzzsaw up my ass, ''while Destoroyah dumps his diabolical diarrhea all over my face!'' Man, it's just a bunch of fuck, it's a pile of cunt, fuck, shit, fuck...cunt...fuck..Goddammit! I just said &quot;fuck&quot; from the bottom of my heart and I said every curse that there is. There's nothing left. So, you know what? Somebody's gotta invent a new curse word. I think I got it. This game, these fuckin' games are... ''SCUNT!!!'' Oh, yeah. It's that bad.

=== [[w:Wayne's World (video game)|Wayne's World]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' The enemies are the most cliché you could possibly think of. When would Wayne and Garth ever be fighting spiders and ninjas? Who cares, right? As long as the game says ''Wayne's World,'' kids will want it.
:'''Noah Vanderhoff:''' Kids know dick.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Every time he gets hit, he says &quot;NOT!&quot;
:'''Wayne:''' '''''NOT!'''''
:'''The Nerd:''' That doesn't make any sense. What is he saying &quot;not&quot; to? Usually, the word &quot;not&quot; follows a sarcastic statement. It's like explaining it to [[w:Borat|Borat]].
:'''Borat:''' And this suit is ''not'' black!
:'''Borat's Therapist:''' No, no, &quot;not&quot; has to be the end.
:'''Borat:''' OK, OK, this suit is black not.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Well, I can't beat the first level, so I'm done with this game!... Well, there ''is'' a code.
:'''Benjamin:''' I did not realize that. Russell, did you realize that?
:'''Russell Finley:''' No, I did not realize that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' And could you guess the boss in this level? Would you expect anything different than... a giant donut?
:'''Wayne:''' Aaaahahahahaha! Yeah! Hahaha!

=== [[w:Castlevania (video game)|Castlevania Part One]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': What in the unholy name of ass is this fuckness? ''[looks at the script and fuckness is displayed as an invalid word]'' Oh, wait, that's not a word? Well, it should be. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Hmm. &quot;'''Trans Fishers'''&quot;? That reminds me of [[w:Terence Fisher|Terence Fisher]], the director of many of the hammer horror films. That's a funny coincidence. Oh, wait. &quot;'''Vran Stoker'''&quot;? Like [[w:Bram Stoker|Bram Stoker]], the author of ''[[w:Dracula|Dracula]]''? Wha-- &quot;'''Christopher Bee'''&quot;? Is it a joke? I don't get it! Are they saying [[w:Christopher Lee|Christopher Lee]] is like a bee? ''[Bee with a face like Christopher Lee's comes buzzing by]'' No, they can't mean that. This is probably just a series of strangely coincidental typos. &quot;'''[[w:Béla Lugosi|Belo Lugosi]]'''&quot;? &quot;'''[[w:Boris Karloff|Boris Karloffice]]'''&quot;? They're just fuckin' around. &quot;'''[[w:Lon_Chaney, Jr.|Love Chaney Jr.]]'''&quot;? &quot;'''[[w:Max Schreck|Mix Schrecks]]'''&quot;? &quot;'''[[w:Glenn Strange|Green Stranger]]'''&quot;? Is this supposed to be funny? Like, just to take a celebrity's name and change it around? That's like if I took the name [[w:Steven Spielberg|Steven Spielberg]] and called him &quot;'''Steven Gielberg'''&quot;. Like, that's not funny, that's kindergarten level! No, kindergarten students don't find that funny! Aliens don't find that funny! Well, anyway, that's ''Castlevania'' for you. Good game, but holy fuck, is it hard. Now, as promised, we're gonna plow through the rest of 'em, all the old-school Castlevania games. The ones that I grew up w--
:''[the '''&quot;WHAT A HORRIBLE NIGHT TO HAVE A CURSE.&quot;''' box from ''Castlevania II: Simon's Quest'' appears in front of the Nerd, interrupting him. The box disappears a few seconds later, and a day-to-night transition in the style of the said game is shown. Then the &quot;Monster Dance Theme&quot; plays and the Nerd's room looks darker than before. The Nerd notices the cartridge of said game]''
:'''The Nerd''': Not that one. Next on our list, is ''Castlevania III,'' which in many ways is the true follow-up--
:''[&quot;Monster Dance Theme&quot; plays and cartridge is shown again]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''No.'' I already reviewed that game. So, anyway--
:''[&quot;Monster Dance Theme&quot; music plays and cartridge is shown again]''
:'''The Nerd''': No.
:''[&quot;Monster Dance Theme&quot; plays and cartridge is shown again]''
:'''The Nerd''': Stop.
:''[&quot;Monster Dance Theme&quot; plays and cartridge is shown again]''
:'''The Nerd''': Stop!
:''[&quot;Monster Dance Theme&quot; plays and cartridge is shown again]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[annoyed]'' '''''STOP!'''''
:''[&quot;Monster Dance Theme&quot; plays and cartridge is shown yet again, and the Nerd looks at ''Castlevania III,'' and then back at ''Castlevania II,'' and &quot;To Be Continued...&quot; appears.]''

=== [[w:CastleVania|CastleVania Part Two]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': It goes back to the basic style of the first game, but has two main innovations. The first thing, you often come to a fork in the road where you get to choose which path to take. The other thing is that you get to play as other characters, whom you meet along the way. There's Grant, who climbs on walls, Sypha, who has magic spells, and Alucard, who can turn into a bat, but you need enough hearts to do it. Alucard happens to be Dracula's son. The name Alucard's Dracula spelled backwards, and it came from the 1943 movie, ''Son of Dracula.''
:'''Dracula''': Announce Count Alucard.
:'''Harry Brewster''': D-R-A-C--
:'''Frank Stanley''': What are you mumbling about?
:'''Harry Brewster''': Nothing, nothing. Just a silly idea hit me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' If there's any game which puts you in a bad mood, it's ''CastleVania III.'' You know, like if you want a game that'll '''''piss you off,''''' putting this game in your Nintendo is like running open-armed out into a rainstorm of piss. You wanna go balls to the wall? Well, there's one way to put your balls to the wall, and that's to stick your dick into an electric outlet. You wanna play shit tennis with an orangutan while having your head up a '''''hyena's asshole?!''''' Well, good luck. Well, that finishes off the '''CastleVania''' trilogy, but there's more memories to be shared. 'Cause Dracula never dies, Halloween is goin' overtime, it's a ''CastleVania''-thon! ''[howls like a wolf]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[blooper]''
:'''James D. Rolfe''': This game is like playing shit tennis, with an orangutan, while havin' a hyena's head up your ass! ''[cracks a smile]'' Or ''your'' head up ''it's'' ass! And-- ''[breaks character and laughs]''

=== [[w:Castlevania|Castlevania Part Three]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' When the 1980s came to an end, the ''Castlevania'' trilogy was already edged into my mind as classic. It was the arcitype of both the action and horror genres and a masterpiece in side-scrolling gaming. Roughly at the turn of the decade came the 16-bit era. I had no idea that it could actually get better. In 1991, ''Castlevania'' made its transition to the new Super Nintendo. But this wasn't just ''Castlevania IV.'' Oh, no. This was '''''Super''' Castlevania IV'', and well worthy of that title. The graphics and sound just blew my fucking balls off. The haunting and chilling atmosphere of the old games was now like a walk through the park with the Care Bears. This time, I was ''really'' getting scared.

=== [[w:Castlevania|Castlevania Part Four]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' That's what you call ''Castlevania.'' Traditional side-scrolling action. Familiar, yet fresh. It takes place all over Europe rather than just strictly in Transylvania. You get a choice of two characters; John Morris and Eric Lecarde. I wonder what happened to the Belmonts? Who are these people? Well, supposedly, John Morris is the son of Quincy Morris from ''Dracula'', the Bram Stoker novel. (cut to him IRL) That just blew my mind! It's like now we're bringing the novel into it? So the whole canon of the games is now with the canon of the book, and... it's like taking two cannons and putting them together!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' What are these, skeletons shooting lasers out their cocks?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;ANALBAG&quot;, that's me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''' In ''Dawn of Sorrow,'' Dracula's castle emerges from a solar eclipse in Japan. I thought that Japan had enough trouble with Godzilla stomping around. Now they have Dracula, too?

=== [[w:Little Red Hood|Little Red Hood]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' You're familiar with the story, right? It goes somethin' like this. Once upon a time, there was a girl named Little Red Riding Hood. She liked to jump in the air and whistle out her vagina. She kicked at trees until Big Bird's ballsack would appear. What, that's not the story? Oh, well excuse me, 'cause this isn't ''Little Red Riding Hood''. This is ''Little '''RED''' Hood''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' The only thing you might be wondering now, is what on Earth does this have to do with the story of ''Little Red Riding Hood''? Well... I'll tell ya. '''''Absolutely fuckin' nothing.'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' The music never changes. Every level is the same frothy sound of crackling ass!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' It's just, so random... Y'know, how many times have I used the word &quot;random&quot; and &quot;appear&quot;? But that's exactly what's happening. Stuff appears, or doesn't appear, or randomly does something else. I feel like a guinea pig in an experiment where they're testing the effects of negative reinforcement. Let's see what happens if we take the key away... It's 20 years late, but whoever you are, and if you wanna know what the effect is, [[Ghostbusters|I'll tell ya the effect: IT'S FUCKIN' PISSING ME OFF!]]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' But the most fucked-up level of all, is Level 8. Here, the key never appears. Just, never. It never appears. I played this stage for about an hour, before I eventually looked up an online walkthrough from someone who probably had more time to spare than me, and guess what? In this stage, the key doesn't appear, until you buy an invincibility potion and three slingshots! '''''HOW WOULD ANYBODY KNOW TO DO THAT?!''''' You go through the whole game, all of a sudden they throw you a curve ball and change the fuckin' rules!

=== [[w:Winter Games|Winter Games]] ===
:''[&quot;Dance of the Sugarplum Fairies&quot; plays in the background]''
:'''The Nerd''': It's winter. It's fucking cold. We're playing some ''Winter Games''. But anyway, let me get the greeting outta the way. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, happy... everybody! Happy holidays. And if you have a problem with &quot;Happy Holidays&quot;, then happy shut-the-fuck-up. But there ain't nothing happy about this shit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[horrible 8-bit background music]'' How do you like that music? Listen. ''[commenting on the music at the end of the Speed Skating event]'' Exquisite. ''[sarcastically]'' Isn't that the most beautiful, radiant sound that has ever been blessed upon your soul? Its exuberant tonality harmoniously blends the dying squeals of electronic goats with the melodic rapture of diarrhea bubbling from a coyote's crap-hole.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing the Figure Skating event]'' I'm not even kidding, but if I were to give out an award, a big shit-dripping trophy for the worst controls ''ever'' in a video game, I think it would go to this! I mean look at it! I've never seen anything this unresponsive! I'm hitting every button combination possible! You know, all it needs to be said about ''Winter Games'' is that you push buttons. That's all it is. How's ''Winter Games?'' You ever play ''Winter Games?'' Yeah, you push buttons. That's it. Go like this! You're playing ''Winter Games!'' ''[footage of [[The Wizard]] is shown]'' You ever watch a movie where someone's pretending to play a video game, but you tell they're just acting; they're just going like this? They're playing ''Winter Games.'' Yeah. Who programmed this thing? Maybe it was Fred Fucks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': '''''THIS IS A BLIZZARD OF BALLS!!! I can't believe humanity was capable of degrading itself so low as to produce such insulting catastrophe of ass!!''''' ''[reads caution label on the back of the cartridge (said caution label is only on some unlicensed NES games)]'' &quot;Do not store in extreme temperatures. Do not immerse in water. Do not clean with benzene, thinner, alcohol, or other such solvents. Do not hit or drop cartridge. Do not attempt to disassemble.&quot; ''[proceeds to do to the cartridge each of the things the caution label advises against]'' Like that? ''[places the remains of the cartridge into the crackling fireplace, where it catches fire and starts to melt]'' '''''BURN, MOTHERFUCKER, BURRRN!!! YEAAAAH!'''''

=== [[w:Street Fighter 2010|Street Fighter 2010]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Wanna play some games? Wanna play some shitty games? ...Well hang on just a second, I gotta go get my mail. ''(The Nerd steps out of his house to find it and the rest of the scenery in the scene is swarming with graphics from ''Street Fighter 2010''.)'' What the hell is all this shit!? There's metallic sea sponges everywhere! There's titanium rocket jockstraps! Headless parrots with bottle caps! Floating eyeballs entrapped in glass lids! How is this all happening? OH, ah-of course! It's the year 2010! Holy shit! This was all foreseen in the game ''Street Fighter 2010''!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Remember how futuristic the year 2000 seemed? My whole childhood, it seemed like every movie, every video game - it was always &quot;2000&quot;. It sounded so high-tech and so far away. But now, fuck that! It's the ten-year anniversary of the year 2000. ''(referring to ''[[w:Back to the Future Part II|Back to the Future Part II]]'s'' depiction of the year 2015)'' In five years, we're gonna have flying cars and hoverboards and self-lacing shoes... It better happen. Otherwise they should have made it the year 3000. Even if they made it 2100, we'd all be dead; it wouldn't make a difference anyway! Better to be a mystery than to be wrong!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Who would've thought that Street Fighter's past lied in the future, which is now the present? Let's take a look at this. I can only imagine, we're gonna be Tiger Uppercutting through space and time, we're gonna be throwing Sonic Booms on the moon, Hadoukens up Uranus! Fuck ''[[w:Street Fighter IV|Street Fighter IV]]'', this is ''Street Fighter 2010!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': What the hell is this poop-plastered, shit-smothered piece of fuck? And what does it have to do with ''Street Fighter''?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(commenting on the cover illustration of ''[[w:Fighting Street|Fighting Street]]'', showing [[w:Ryu_(Street_Fighter)|Ryu]] in front of [[w:Mt. Rushmore|Mt. Rushmore]])'' To be even more elusive, they changed the fucking title to ''Fighting Street''! That doesn't make any sense! But at least you get to play as classic characters such as Ryu, [[w:George Washington|George Washington]], and [[w:Abraham Lincoln|Abe Lincoln]].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The final boss looks like a big, blistering ball sack that swallowed Grimace. His only weak spot is the face. The ideal strategy is to climb on the wall and keep shooting, but your beam doesn't reach. Not without full powerups. You can try jumping off and shooting, but that takes too long. You don't have time. When you're plowing through the stage, you gotta stop and get all the powerups. But that wastes time too! But you gotta do it! You gotta somehow make it all happen! You can't beat one boss flawlessly but then fuck up a little on the next one. You gotta: 1) Beat all the bosses without getting hurt too much, 2) Get all the power-ups, and 3) Do it fast as shit. All in one perfect run. But once you do it, man, you're on the fucking top of the world. Yeah, boom, BOOM! [Imitates explosions as he beats the game] And that, my friends, is Street Fighter 2010. That's all I have to say. So happy new year, happy new decade... am I forgetting anything? ... Yeah. Forgot my fucking mail. [He walks then the screen zooms that says &quot;THE END.&quot;]

=== [[w:Hydlide|Hydlide]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Ugh, ''Hydlide''! Just saying the name gives you a gag reflex like you're about to puke! ''HYDLIDE''! Sounds so wretched and foul!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Picking up a game like this, in itself, is like embarking on an adventure. You can stick to the familiar NES classics, or you can be a brave explorer and search the unknown. You might uncover a gem, or a turd covered in vomit. And this is a turd covered in vomit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': There's no skill involved. You'll never know whether or not you're hitting the monster or the monster's hitting you. It's just as random as rolling the dice or [[w:American Movie|playing the lottery; sometimes you win, and sometimes you lose. But I guess it's better than using drugs or alcohol because with drugs and alcohol, especially drugs, you always lose.]]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Anyway, I got the Lantern. Now I'm going back to that dark cave to figure out what the fuck was killing me...I don't see anything! So that only concludes there was nothing. That's a cheat if I ever saw one. The game kills you with NOTHING!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': That's what you get for reaching into the dark depths of the NES library. You might as well be reaching into a dog's asshole, 'cause all you're going to find is shit.

=== [[w:Ninja Gaiden (Nintendo Entertainment System)|Ninja Gaiden]] ===
:'''Ninja:''' You are as slow as sloth taking shit! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Nunchaku-fuck!

=== [[w:Swordquest|Swordquest]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(commenting on Atari's promotion of the &quot;SwordQuest&quot; series via $150,000 worth of ornately crafted and decorated fantasy items, which players back in the day could win by playing the games, finding and deciphering in-game clues, and sending them to Atari)'' Not since the medieval times have I heard of a treasure quest of this magnitude! It gets you really excited to play the games, so that's what I call a promotion: You'd be wearing your ''SwordQuest'' T-shirt, with your comic books and posters, drinking out of your gold chalice with your crown, philosopher's stone, and sword, and not to mention your ''SwordQuest'' video gaming cartridges exclusive from Atari.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(playing the &quot;Earthworld&quot; installment)'' Every time you go to the next room, it sounds like an explosion. That's what's so great about Atari: Something as simple as going through a door is an event.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Now, what can that mean? Hmm... 16-4... The comic book. ''(Picks up the book and opens up the page)'' Page 16, Panel 4. I don't see anything... What-- ''[Reveals a hidden word]'' Wow. ''(He writes down the word and continues playing and finding more clues)'' There's 10 hidden words, and they're supposed to make a sentence. But five of them are bogus. The only way to figure out which are the right words is to find a subliminal hint on the first page. The words prime and number are a different color than the rest, so this means you only use the clues that are prime numbers. Lemme tell you, in 1982, people had a lot of time on their hands and a lot of creativity to figure this out. Out of 5,000 entries, only 8 gamers got the right sentence. The winner was 20-year old Steven Bell. Good work, man!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(playing the &quot;Fireworld&quot; installment)'' What are we doing here, hitting birds with a pole? Throwing knives? Now you're actually steering the knives into a, uh, turkey club sandwich. This part, you're like a black eagle shooting bullets at snakes! All with glorious Atari sound effects.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(referring to general suspicions that the remaining three un-awarded treasures of the &quot;SwordQuest&quot; contest, including the planned grand prize, a gold-and-jewel-encrusted sword, is in possession of [[w:Jack Tramiel|Jack Tramiel]], who had bought Atari after [[w:North American video game crash of 1983|the infamous video game crash of 1983]])'' Somebody's gotta find out. The '''real''' ''SwordQuest'' is the quest for that sword and the other treasures. They belong in the hands of gamers who earn them. You know, everybody who put those games in their Ataris had a chance of winning. It was something to dream about. But that dream's been thrown about the toilet. It's 30 years later, but I say the contest must go on. Finish the last game! You can't have earth, fire, and water without air! The balance of the cosmos must be restored, the true bearer of that sword ''must'' be found! The Kingdom of Nerddom depends on it!

=== [[w:Pong|Pong Consoles]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Pong. A simple word. A simple idea. It's just Pong. It was one of the first video arcades, from 1972. A simple screen mounted inside what looked like a carved tree stump. You could call this the &quot;Wooden Age&quot; of video games, when everything was made of wood, and two people playing tennis looked like two glow sticks batting a square ball back and forth. Yeah, this is before circles were invented.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I thought it was fun. Apparently, people thought so too back then. So that's why they made a home pong console so you can play it at home, and then, there was another one... and another one... and another one! AND ANOTHER ONE! AND ANOTHER ONE! ''AND ANOTHER ONE!'' There was like nine million fucking pong consoles!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': This might be a good time to bring up that most of these old consoles have a connector that looks like [[wikipedia:RCA_connector|this]]. You have to plug them into a box, and screw the box into your TV. But I say get yourself one of these [an adapter], plug it into the coaxial unit on your TV, plug the game in, and tell that box to go fuck itself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The Sears Super Pong Telegame. Simple enough, two little knobs for controllers, works alright, basic Pong, you got four different kinds of Pong, like... what the hell is this? &quot;Reverse Pong&quot;? Okay, now what's this, &quot;Asshole Pong&quot;? That's not fair.

&lt;hr width+&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''':  Well, that's Pong for ya. All these different consoles goes to show how such a simple game could become such a hot-selling franchise. I could see people thinking 30 years ago &quot;Wow. Pong. This is where it's at! It ain't gonna get any better than this!&quot; Now what's this here, this &quot;Xbox 360?&quot; Some modern game system? I don't know, maybe it has advanced graphics? Might even be in color. Let's check it out. ''[starts playing &quot;[[w:Grand Theft Auto IV|Grand Theft Auto IV]]&quot; as a rock remix of the Angry Video Game Nerd theme plays. Cut to the Nerd with an absolutely amazed expression on his face]''

== Season Five ==

=== [[w:Action 52|Action 52]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': Are you ready for some action? Some ''Action 52?'' I suppose so, because I get requests for this game all the time. Like this one right here: ''[reading a fan email]'' &quot;''Action 52.'' Fuck this game, please do a review on it. You asshole. Thanks.&quot; Wow. I guess I gotta do it now.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Number 5, &quot;Ooze.&quot; Oh, wow, a title screen? Really? ''[starts the game, then sees several green pickle-shaped objects in the background]'' Oh my god, it's...it's... ''[the objects each turn into a Shit Pickle]''
:'''Shit Pickles''': Shitpickleshitpickleshitpickleshit...
:'''The Nerd''': Whoa! Ohh-
:'''Shit Pickles''': Pickle! Shi-i-i-i-i-
:'''The Nerd''': Narlalalala!
:'''Shit Pickles''': Shit pickle!
:'''The Nerd''': Alrighty, then. Well, this is the first game that uses the &quot;B&quot; button. For ''jumping''! Any gamer who grew up with ''Super Mario Bros.'' expects &quot;A&quot; to jump.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''(playing the 7th game, Crytical Bypass)'' &quot;Crytical Bypass&quot;. It's critical that you bypass this game!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''(playing the 20th game, Space Dreams, then learning that safety pins are the enemy)'' Oh, my, what's this gonna be? Why of course! Another space shooter! This time, you're a pacifier shooting at weird dolls, rabbits, and safety pins. ''Safety pins'' as enemies in a video game...Where'd they come up with this stuff?! ''[playing one of the game programmers]'' Gee, what kind of enemy could I have for this game? I have 32 games left I have to program, so I have to hurry up. ''[he picks up a safety pin where it lays on a table]'' Ahhh, safety pin! That'll be perfect! ''[he puts the safety pin down and types in his computer]'' Next game.

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing the 22nd game, Spread Fire]'' These kind of games must have been the easiest to design. Take a black background, cover it in dots, and call it space. You know what? It's getting old.

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[after playing 25 of the games]'' ...Wow. Twenty-five shitty games, and still going. This is an endurance, man. I've never played such a huge compilation of crap in my life. Was the whole idea to make ''so many shitty games'' that there'd be no more shitty games left to make!? Out of all of these, there's gotta be at least one that's...''tolerable''!

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing the 29th game]'' Uh, &quot;Slashers&quot;? I thought it'd be like a horror game. Instead it's a poor man's version of ''Double Dragon''. Saying ''that'' is being extremely generous.
:'''The Nerd''': And what are these, hookers?! I guess this guy doesn't understand the concept of a hooker. You're supposed to fuck her, not fuck her up!

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing the 31st game, Fuzz Power]'' Whoever came up with this is an ''asshole!'' ''[cuts to a fictionalized version of the episode that would be shown on public TV with profanity bleeped out]'' Whoever came up with this is an ''assh***!'' Ass! ''[pause]'' Hole? Assh***! ''[sarcastically]'' Television makes a lot of &quot;sense&quot;.

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[after playing 35 of the 52 games]'' I've lost all hope. 52 games, they all probably suck. I can think of some pretty bad games. Like ''Little Red Hood.'' That's a ''horrible'' game. But at least it's ''one'' horrible game! Not ''52!'' You know what's more fun than ''Action 52?'' 52 Card Pickup. You know how you play that? ''[drops a deck of 52 playing cards on the floor]'' Pick up the cards!

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:'''The Nerd''': Number 36, &quot;Storm over the Desert.&quot; Ooh, another title screen! So, you're an army tank, shooting at other army tanks... which happen to be pink. Also, there's no way to die. Anything you touch will explode. Those pink tanks are fuckin' pussies. ''[a giant [[w:Saddam Hussein|Saddam Hussein]] runs across the screen]'' What the hell?! A giant Saddam Hussein? How'd they fuck up the scale this bad? The soldiers aren't giant, so why's Saddam?

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing the 48th game, Time Warp Tickers]'' You're a pair of fingers in checkerboard-land with upside-down doors. What kind of drugs were they on? Was this game even made by a human being? ''&quot;Time?&quot;''? When you kill things, it says ''&quot;Time?&quot;''? What does that mean? Time to play another fuckin' game?

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[after playing 51 of the 52 games]'' '''''I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY SOLD THIS SHITFEST FOR $199!''''' That's about how much it costs for a video game ''console'', pretty much. You can take $199, stand on a bridge and just throw it all away! You'd rather do ''anything'' than spend it on a broken-down dysfunctional disaster of video game programming! With games that crash, hideous jumping control, random characters, microscopic sprites, a marathon of mediocre space shooters, dying in midair, problems with proportion, misleading titles, misleading power-ups, embarrassing weapons, seizure-inducing backgrounds, lack of enemies, games you can't win, games you can't lose, games that make no sense whatsoever, shitty graphics, shitty music, shitty menus, and a fuck-ton of other things! It should've been ''illegal'' for them to sell this rotten shitload of putrid fuck for any price! I feel humiliated to live on the same planet as someone who designed an electronic abomination of this magnitude! Couldn't they have tried making one ''good'' game, as opposed to 52 ''horrible'' games? Quality over quantity. That's our lesson here. ''[drinks Rolling Rock]'' Well, there's only one game left so it has one last chance to redeem itself. Could this all be the effort went into? Could there be a cherry on top of the shit sundae? We can only hope. ''[begins playing the 52nd game as the credits roll]''

=== [[w:Action 52|Cheetahmen]] ===

:'''AVGN''': They must have put all their focus into this one game, so this one's gotta be good...right? ''(shot of the gameplay from ''Cheetahmen''; the player sprite touches the edge of a pool of water with the top of his head, and instantly dies)'' IT SUCKS - MONKEY - BUTTS - LIKE ALL - THE FUCKIN' - REST!!! ''(drinks Rolling Rock)'' Okay. Let's go.

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:'''AVGN''': ''(playing ''Cheetahmen'' on the Action 52 cartridge, jumping over the giant [[w:Saddam Hussein|Saddam Hussein]] from Storm Over the Desert)'' Dude, think about it: A giant cheetah jumping over Saddam Hussein, whoa! I never thought I'd see that.

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:'''AVGN''': ''(discussing Cheetahmen II)'' I suppose this is the end of Action 52, but!  They made... a Cheetahmen... sequel.  Oh, yeah!  You know how with a bad game, sometimes you wonder how it even made it into stores?  Well, this is a case in which the horror was so unspeakable, the game was never released.  ''(shows stills from the ending of Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark and plays ominous music from the film)''  The cartridges were stored in a warehouse where they remained for years to come.  It was never meant to be played.  Then, in the late 90's, the cartridges were discovered, and became valuable collector's items. ''(stops playing music and showing stills)''  That's a true story.  Except that the real story was probably a little less dramatic than that.  Only 1500 of these games are known to exist and they command ''outrageous'' prices on eBay. I don't know if I should consider myself lucky or...not, but...here it is. (the Nerd reveals the game cartridge in his hand) The unholy grail of gaming. Would you believe that this game is so bad it doesn't even get its own cartridge? They recycled the same plastic casing from Action 52, and put a Cheetahmen II sticker on the back. ''(The cartridge's sticker actually reads &quot;Cheetamen&quot; instead of &quot;Cheetahmen II&quot;.)'' 

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:'''AVGN''': ''(after defeating the boss in ''Cheetahmen II'', but the game fails to start the next level)'' Well, I beat the game. At least I got as far as I can possibly go before it fucks out! Well, this is where I'd end things... ''(drinks Rolling Rock)'' ...but, there's yet another ''Cheetahmen'' game. ''(produces a copy of the Sega Genesis port of ''Action 52'')'' Yeah. ''Action 52'' on the Genesis. They just couldn't leave it alone, could they?

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:'''AVGN''': ''(talking about SKATER from the Genesis ''Action 52'')'' You're some kid on roller skates jumping fifty feet in the air, of course. And most of the obstacles are dead cats! At least, I'm pretty sure they're dead. Why else would a cat be laying in the road? Tell me. If you're programming a video game and you have a choice of all the things that could be on the road like mufflers, puddles of oil, traffic cones, hubcaps, fallen trash cans, open manholes, of all the things you can put there, why does your imagination go straight to ''dead cats!?''

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:'''AVGN''': ''(after playing ''Cheetahmen'' from the Genesis ''Action 52'')'' I don't believe it. I just can't believe it that - this is even ''less'' playable than the NES version! You think by now, they'd come back down to Earth and un-''fuck'' themselves! But you know what the really good news is? I'm done with ''Action 52''! ''(puts on a party hat and blows on a party horn while fireworks go off)''

=== Game Glitches ===

:'''AVGN''': Don't you just hate it when that happens? You'll be playin' a game, and then all of a sudden, it starts glitching up! ''(inserts Metal Gear into his Nintoaster)'' Oh, come on. Metal Gear's fuckin' up now? You blow the game, jiggle it around, use different consoles, but it still doesn't work. You know, when this happens, that means that there's something inside your game. Something that wants to reduce the graphics into a pixelated mishmash of garbage. You're dealing with...a Game Graphic Glitch Gremlin.
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' [Cackling] Good day to you, Nerd, how are you? Good day, sir! As you know, I am the Glitch Gremlin! And, I've got glitches in me britches for ya, Nerd! I've got ''(gibberish)''.
:'''AVGN''': I'm gonna lay the fuck smack on you! You think I can't still play?

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:''[ [[w:Mike Tyson|Mike Tyson]]'s portrait from ''[[w:Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!|Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!]]'' is displayed, but the entire graphical display glitches up, eliciting a shocked reaction from the Nerd]''
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' And here we have ''Punch-Out!!'' with &quot;Iron Mike&quot; Tyson. I just ironed out his face! How do you like that? We'll call him Shit-Fuck-Face Mike Tyson!
:'''AVGN''': You little fuck-nugget, get out of my game!

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:'''AVGN''': ''[After describing his victory over the boss Big Pets in [[w:Mega Man 5|Mega Man 5]] while having been hindered by a glitch]'' And ''that'' was a great moment in Nerd history.
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' That's not possible! I've never seen anything like it!
:'''AVGN''': I should get a gold medal.

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:''(The Nerd plays [[w:Rocky (2002 video game)|the 2002 ''Rocky'' game on PlayStation 2]], but the audience is severely glitching around, and the two boxers supposed to be in the ring are nowhere to be seen.)''
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' Well, you sure packed quite a crowd tonight, Nerd! You sure did, standing room only...a full house of glitches! Ding ding ding! In this corner, we have weighing in at zero pounds and zero ounces, nothing! In this corner, we've got much of the same! Nothing!
:'''AVGN''': No...
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' ''(As the in-game announcer repeats &quot;Next up is a fight...&quot;)''Do you hear that? What's that sound? Huh? Hm? Sounds of glitch. Your glitch. Enjoy it. ''(The Nerd resets his PS2, and'' ''the in-game combatants show up this time.)'' Nope. No use resetting. Not gonna do a thing.
:'''AVGN:''' Eh, fuck you. It's working now. ''(Spider Rico suddenly sinks into the floor.)'' What was ''that''!?
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' I pulled him through the floor! That's a good one! Good one, Glitch Gremlin! ''(The Nerd looks on in shock as the fighters continuously sink to the floor. The Glitch Gremlin dances.)'' Oh yeah! I'm glitching! Get down, you bad self! Get down! Get down! Get down! Wooo!
:'''AVGN''': Wow, I've ''never'' seen a game this fucked up. ''(He takes out the ''Rocky'' disc to clean it.)''
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' ''(his reflection appears in the disc)'' Not gonna work, not gonna work. What time is it? Not-gonna-work o'clock. ''(The Nerd plays the game again, but now the in-game boxers have warped facial features.)'' In this corner, we have Bug-Eyed Balboa!
:'''AVGN''': What happened to his ''mouth''!?
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' His eyes are popping out! And in that corner, we've got Spider Rico, with no jaw! ''(He sinks into the floor, again.)''
:'''AVGN''': They're like zombies! What is this, &quot;Rocky: The Undead Edition&quot;? You are really one sick fuck, you know that? I'm gonna try Clubber Lang.
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' Oh, Clubber Lang, that could be a good one. Let's see what else I've got up my sleeves - oh, I'm not wearing any, but for my final show-stopper, FEAST YER EYES ON THIS! ''(The in-game model of Clubber Lang appears horrifically deformed and mis-assembled, heavily resembling a straight log of solid fecal matter. His left leg flashes between being visible and invisible, while his right leg does not appear at all. A baffled Nerd drops his controller while the Gremlin laughs gleefully.)''
:'''AVGN''': It's a Clubber-fuck!

=== [[w:Zelda II: The Adventure of Link|Zelda II]] ===
:'''AVGN''': ''(commenting on the odd names for enemies in the original [[w:The Legend of Zelda|''The Legend of Zelda'']])'' What do you call that? A rabbit's head? ''(buzzer sound)'' Wrong. A &quot;Pols Voice&quot;. What's that, a mummy? ''(buzzer sound)'' &quot;Gibdo&quot;. What's that, a ghost? ''(buzzer sound)'' &quot;Ghini&quot;. What's that? Well, it's kinda like...like... ''(triple-ding sound)'' What?! It's called a &quot;Like Like&quot;?! Yeah, I'm not makin' this up, this is all comin' straight from the manual. What do you call that? A snake? ''(buzzer sound)'' Wrong, it's called &quot;Rope&quot;. Yeah, really! If you can't tell the difference between a snake and a rope, you're in trouble. What's that, a bat? ''(buzzer sound)'' No, it's &quot;Keese&quot;. What do you call the keys then, &quot;Bats&quot;? What's that, a knight? ''(buzzer sound)'' A &quot;Darknut&quot;. Well then, what's that? Uh, a, uh, Geiger counselman? ''(buzzer sound)'' Oh, a &quot;Rock&quot;. What's that, a spider? ''(buzzer sound)'' A &quot;Tektite&quot;. Now what the ''fuck'' is a Tektite!? Is that even a real word? I'll look it up...yeah, it is. ''(reads off a dictionary)'' &quot;Tektite. Any of several kinds of small glassy bodies, in various forms, occurring in Australia and elsewhere, now believed to have been produced by the impact of meteorites on the earth's surface.&quot; Yeah. Or, a ''spider''. Well, fuck. Let's move onto ''Zelda II''.

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:'''AVGN''': In each town, there's a woman that restores your health. She invites Link inside, and you never see what's happening in there. Is she giving him a potion? Is she performing a magic spell? No. We all know what's ''really'' happening. Link is like, you know, getting a little of the [[w:A Clockwork Orange (film)|ol' in-out in-out]]. I mean, this isn't little boy Link anymore, he's grown up now. He learns all these special moves like the down-thrust and the up-thrust, and there, he learns the cunt-thrust. Yeah, that should be the name of a band. But really, Link deserves to get some because of all this hell he goes through. He's not gonna get any from Zelda... Well, then again, she's in a sleeping spell. What was Link doing there in the first place? Oh, no, Link's a poon hound.

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:'''AVGN''': ''(repeatedly failing to defeat the final boss, Dark Link)'' Well, it's impossible. I have better luck trying to fight my own shadow! ''(imitates trying to punch his own shadow on the wall and hurting his hand against the wall)'' You motherfucker! C'mon! God damn! ''(cuts back to the Nerd on his couch)'' You can't beat your own shadow, and that's what this game is. It's your dark alter ego that knows more about you than you know about yourself. I don't know how you could win, unless you're ''really'' hardcore. Some gamers are so hardcore with the first game, they've actually made it to Ganon ''without the sword.'' That's insane! But, people like a good challenge. You want a good challenge? Try beating ''Zelda II'' with the Power Glove, yeah. That's a laugh. In conclusion, it's still a great game. But many consider it the black sheep of the Zelda franchise. And understandably, it's very different from the first game but obviously Nintendo didn't want to just rehash the same game over again so they tried something new. Some people were confused and admittedly it had some mixed results. But it had a legacy of its own. It was the first Zelda game that had towns to visit and to have a magic meter and many games copied its style such as Battle of the Olympus and even Rambo. Bottom line, it's a good game, but a very frustrating one. I'll never beat it as long as I live. Nope. ''(turns off TV, walks away, but then runs back to the TV to turn it back on. The ending message appears on the TV saying &quot;You saved Hyrule and you are a real hero!&quot; Then, he looks at the Power Glove in shock and disbelief. Then the curtain lowers and then Zelda and Link supposedly kiss with the curtain covering it up and the words &quot;The End&quot; appear.)''

=== Back To The Future Trilogy ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' I've always wanted to go back and complete them the way I originally intended. The ''McKids'' video, for example. I felt like there should have been a dancing scene with Ronald McDonald, Grimace, and the Hamburglar. And Dracula. And Skeletor. I'd also like to go back to the original negatives, clean them up, make them look good as shit, and give them some new enhancements.
:''[in the &quot;Top Gun&quot; review, the Nerd fires a Sonic Boom at the TV, destroying it. After that, the same thing happens, but Praxis effect rings come from the explosion.]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' In the ''Friday the 13th'' video, I shot Jason Voorhees in the head.
:'''The Nerd from his ''&quot;Friday the 13th&quot;'' Review:''' You're easier to beat in real life than you are in that '''''fuckin' game, you no-good piece of--!''''' ''['''BANG!!!''' The Nerd shoots Jason in the head in the original review]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' That made me look like a cold-blooded killer. I always felt Jason should have shot first. ''[same thing, but Jason fires a laser gun at the Nerd, but he dodges and shoots Jason in the head]''
:'''The Nerd''': I'm just kidding. I have no intentions of changing my older videos like that. But with all seriousness, some of the games I've done, I could have covered them a little better.

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[replaying'' Top Gun] I'm gonna land this thing. Oh, yeah. I'm finally gonna land the plane. This time, I'm gonna land it for real. Oh, I got it. I got it. I got the speed right, but the altitude's off! ''[watches the numbers]'' Oh, I'm going too fast! ''[watches the screen]'' ''[the plane somehow flies out of the TV with the Nerd looking surprised and breaks through a window]'' Hey, if, uh...anybody sees that plane, can you let me know?

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' And what about Judge Doom? He's one of the most difficult bosses in video game history, and I barely said a damn thing about him. Anytime Doom hits you, he takes a great deal of damage, but when ''you'' hit ''him,'' it doesn't do much. With such a huge assortment of weapons, you'd think that there'd be one that inflicts more damage on him, but nope, he has no weakness. All you can do is punch, punch, punch. It may seem easier than it looks, but Doom has no clear pattern. You gotta get lucky and just get him in the right rhythm so you can keep hitting him.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' Once you knock him down, you think it's all over, but no. You gotta pick up the Dip Cannon. But before you can use it, you have to select it. Like, no shit. Why ''wouldn't'' I want it selected? The worst part is that now Judge Doom kills you with one hit. It doesn't matter how full your health is. Anyone's natural reaction is to tap the button, but that won't get you far. You have to know to ''hold down'' the button, and only ''that way'' can you beat him.
:''[Judge Doom is defeated, and the end screen with the text saying, &quot;Toontown is saved and remains in the hands of its rightful owners, the Toons. The End.&quot;]''

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' I already mentioned how the game has nothing to do with the movie. You're collecting clocks, throwing bowling balls, and dodging bees, and other bizarre things. One thing I didn't elaborate on before is how Marty has some serious problem with his legs where he can't stop walking. You'd think this is a Goddamn flying game because you can't stop. Imagine all the problems Marty must go through on a daily basis, being cursed to walk for all eternity! Imagine trying to order at a fast food restaurant, or any restaurant. Imagine going to work or trying to use a bathroom or fly on a plane. He can only stand still when he's behind a counter at a Café throwing milkshakes. Anybody who's played this Café stage knows how unforgiving it is, and I've talked about it already. ''[a Café customer stops to talk to Marty, then he throws him against the wall.]''
:'''The Nerd''': But wouldn't you like to know what the rest of the game is like? Do we ever see Doc Brown, or does the DeLorean ever make an appearance? Or any of the other things from the movie? Let's find out.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' The rest of the street stages are all the same, except they change the color. &quot;No effort. Time is money, don't design another stage. Just change the color, and kids will think it's different.&quot; Do they think we're idiots?
:'''The Nerd''': Then we come to an empty classroom where Lorraine, I guess, is shooting hearts at Marty. What, is he the teacher all of a sudden? And what's he catching hearts for? I suppose it's like in the movie where Lorraine has a crush on Marty, but that's his mom so he's trying not to let that happen. Why isn't he avoiding the hearts then? Oh, I see, I guess he's catching them in a book or something. It's the most literal interpretation of a movie. &quot;It's about time, so let's have clocks! It's about romance, let's have hearts!&quot; Was this game designed by a human being? Or did they just feed the movie into a computer to process and then shit out this nonsensical fuck-poop?
:'''The Nerd''': Once again, like the Café stage, you have to score at least 50 points. Then it's on to more walking stages, and after that, it's the Enchantment Under The Sea dance where Marty plays guitar. What do you do? You have to catch musical notes. What more did you expect? I'll tell you one thing, it's certainly no ''Guitar Hero'' or ''Rock Band.'' Why does Marty play the guitar like a stand-up bass the whole time? Why is he wearing a boiler suit? I guess the same reason he's wearing a black muscle shirt. Where's the red jacket or the suit? Couldn't they have gotten Marty to look ''anything'' like he did in the films? And what about the music? Wouldn't this have been an opportune time to hear ''Earth Angel'' or ''Johnny B. Goode?'' ''[notices music from the game]'' Okay, wait a minute. It ''is'' Johnny B. Goode on crack. ''[4 seconds later]'' If [[w:Capcom|they]] can make the ''DuckTales'' theme sound awesome in 8-bit, why not this? At least you get some different music for once.
:'''The Nerd''': Next, more walking. And finally, the DeLorean. Yes, the DeLorean makes an appearance, after all. This is supposed to be the scene where Marty is trying to get back to the future. The streets of Hill Valley are getting slammed with repeated lightning strikes! All you have to do here is dodge the lightning. That's all. Why are you dodging lightning anyway? Isn't Marty trying to get the lightning to hit the DeLorean to generate the 1.21 gigawatts and send him back to 1985? Isn't that the whole fucking idea of the movie? Anyway, that's ''Back to the Future'' NES. No special ending, nothing. ''[The music from the game continues playing]'' Fuck that music.

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:'''The Nerd''': Well, now that we've seen the whole game, we can conclude that it has... uh... ''some'' relation to the movie. But it doesn't have any of the familiar music cues. And don't tell me it was some kind of licensing issue, like they were able to license the movie, but not the music that belongs with that movie that we all recognize. No Back to the Future theme, no Power of Love, no Back in Time, no Johnny B. Goode! (SORT OF) Well, fuck this! ''[throws the game cartridge behind the futon and drinks some Rolling Rock, accompanied by Johnny B. Goode on crack]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' When I first reviewed this game, I was being a shithead. I never explained how it's played. And that's where things get really interesting. You're supposed to collect 30 items, and bring them all back to their rightful places and times. You find the items behind locked doors. To unlock the doors, you need to find the keys which are found by killing random enemies. But the keys don't sit still. They fly off the screen the second they appear. Usually, you're not expecting the key, so you might not catch it. Once the key's gone, it doesn't return. Not unless you exit the level and come back. Even when you get a key, most of the doors don't let you in. ''[Marty cannot unlock a door]'' I don't know the reason for this, but when you do find the right door, you'll get an item. But you don't get it right away, you have to do some sort of mini-game. They're all different, but the goal is the same: To collect all the clocks. How original.

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' Why did LJN have to make every NES movie adaptation? Couldn't they have given somebody else a try? No, they wanted to incorporate the entire spectrum of awfulness. ''[The LJN rainbow logo appears on the screen, and each color lights up as the Nerd mentions them]'' &quot;Purple for Putrid Gameplay&quot;, &quot;blue for Bad Musical Abominations&quot;, &quot;Green for Graphical Farts and Garlic&quot;, &quot;Yellow for Piss Poor Lack of Loyalty to Source Material&quot;, &quot;Orange for 'Aren't You a Fuckin' Idiot?'&quot;, and &quot;Red for High-Stress Anger-Inducing Masochism&quot;. Put that all together, you got all the colors of the Shit Rainbow. ''[sarcastically]'' Hooray, LJN.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover, playing Back to the Future Part III on Genesis]'' Naturally, the graphics are a big step up, going over to a 16-bit console, and it represents the film far better than the Nintendo games. But there's one fatal flaw: the difficulty. You're Doc Brown on a horse trying to save Clara from going into the ravine. Unfortunately, the ground is littered with crates and other random obstacles, and the air is filled with birds, tomahawks, and all kinds of projectiles.
:'''The Nerd''': You get hit once, it knocks you off your horse, costing you precious time. If you fall only a few times, you have to start over. ''[Game Over screen with Clara falling into the ravine and her gravestone appears]'' Hazards come without any warning. The human brain cannot react as fast as this game demands! It's like a memory test; the only way to get by is to remember the whole level.
:'''The Nerd''': Uh, Jump! Uh, uh, jump again! Duck, uh... shoot, uh... what, ''[yells]'' '''''FUCK!''''' ''[Doc Brown gets knocked off horse]'' ''[exclaims]'' You fucking processing, stop being so blast!
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' It's really hard to distinguish which objects are hazards and which are just there for decoration, like this underwear. This is a perfect example of a game that starts out way too hard. It's only the first level and I can't beat it!
:'''The Nerd''': From what I understand, there's only four levels. For a Sega Genesis game, that's pathetic. I guess they were too lazy to design a longer game so they just made it more difficult so it'd take longer to beat, that's all!
:'''The Nerd''': ''[moans]'' Oh, and that fucking song, I am so sick of hearing it! Next time I hear Ghost Riders in the Sky, I'm gonna think about going 100 miles per hour on a horse jumping crates and getting shot at and shit!
:''[Doc gets knocked off horse repeatedly]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' Fuck-fuck-fuck-'''''UNGH'''''-'''''UNGH'''''-fuck-fuck-ungh-UNGH-UNGH-FUCK-fuck-''ungh''-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-'''''FUCK!!! FUCK!''''' ''[gets furious, throws a pillow at the TV, takes out the game, throws it to the floor and screams.]'' Daaamn!! ''[he yells while he strangles the controller and throws the pillow to the floor.]''

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[after playing Super Back to the Future Part II on SNES]'' A '''''good''''' ''Back to the Future'' game? Somebody made a good ''Back to the Future'' game...and it was only in Japan? ''[suddenly gets angry]'' '''''WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS FUCKIN' WORLD?!''''' We get '''''THESE''''' shitty games, but not '''''THAT''''' one? Like, what the Hell? Why would you do that? It's good! I mean, it's not great, but, it's the best goddamn ''Back to the Future'' game I've ever played. It's actually a game! Why bury the gem and dig up the turd? Innocent people have suffered through these fucking fuck heaps! People developed &quot;Fuck it!&quot;-itis from this shit! People have gone on to live horrible lives, kicking babies in the balls! If you would've went back in time and said to people, &quot;Hey, hey, there's a good ''Back to the Future'' game. Put this shit down and go to Japan!&quot;, they would've looked at you like you're telling them to go...teabag a goat on the surface of Mars. ''[sarcastically]'' Well, thank you for taking a fuckin' shit on us all.

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:'''The Nerd''': Well, hope you enjoyed my Nintendo Days Re-Revisited. Oh, and guess what? Yeah, I hate sentences that begin with that: &quot;Guess what?&quot; Because you know it's never a good thing. ''[sighs]'' But the fact is... I have one more game to revisit. I don't wanna say what it is, let alone even play it, but I'm thinking about it.

=== Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde Re-Revisited ===
:''[The episode begins with a black-and-white clip; the first few seconds from the original &quot;Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde&quot; review from 2004. The Nerd's voice can be heard over this.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' In May of 2004, I gave a warning about a game called Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I made it perfectly clear: '''''DO NOT PLAY''''' this game. But, from what I understand... people have played it. They didn't listen...but, it wasn't their fault. I only showed about one minute of footage from the game, and even though I talked about it at great length, it didn't do any good. ''[The Nerd drinks some Rolling Rock.]'' I called it a piece of shit. I called it an awful pile of steaming goat shit... ''[shakes his head in disgust]'' ...but, that was honoring it. I could have said ''anything,'' it wouldn't have mattered. I could have taken a '''''fuck''''' on it. But my own '''''fuck''''' would have been offended to lay on this ''loathsome piece of '''filth.''''' Just the thought of covering this thing in doo-doo is like encasing it in gold. I curse the day I ''ever'' laid eyes on it. I curse the plastic that holds this abomination. My words are ''insufficient'' in describing the '''''total insult''''' to humanity that this '''''&quot;game&quot;''''' has provided. Everything that '''''I've''''' ever said, and anything that '''''anybody else''''' has ever said, is '''''not''''' enough. It '''''must''''' be shown. ''[He drinks more Rolling Rock]''

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:'''The Nerd:''' Here's the deal. If you die as Jekyll, you turn into Hyde. Die as Hyde, the game's over. There's two ways to die as Hyde. Number 1: The traditional way: Getting hit too many times. Number 2: Getting '''''as far''''' as Jekyll. Yeah, you know whenever lightning strikes and you drop dead in your tracks for no apparent reason? Well, ''that's'' the reason. You got too far.

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:'''The Nerd:''' Ah, these bees! Go away! ''[Jekyll's cane attack kills a bee]'' What happened? I killed a bee? ''[Jekyll's cane attack kills another bee]'' '''''I KILLED SOMETHING!''''' The only thing you can kill in the whole game, and it's a ''little, tiny, stupid, '''FUCKIN' BEE!'''''

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:'''The Nerd''': When Robert Louis Stevenson wrote his story about a doctor who makes a potion that exposes his inner evil, he didn't realize that the potion would become a reality. Not in the form of chemistry, but through a late 20th century interactive electronic apparatus. Awful music, dreadful graphics, unspeakable gameplay, deceptive enemies, unavoidable hazards, useless weaponry, all mixed together and calculated just right. That is a ''horrible'' concoction!

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:''[Cut to a graveyard, the Nerd digs up a skeleton from Robert Louis Stevenson's grave. The Nerd chokes the skeleton, but the skeleton laughs in a monstrous voice, and begins to choke the Nerd in response. Intimidated, the Nerd throws the skeleton away.]''
:'''Skeleton''': ''[gives the Nerd the middle finger]'' Fuck you.
:''[The Nerd tries to hit the skeleton with the cane, but misses, and the skeleton chortles, completely unharmed]''
:'''Skeleton''': I am the devil! ''[laughs evilly]'' Now go play some Dr. Jekyll and Mr. '''''HYDE!!!!!'''''
:'''The Nerd''': No!
:'''Skeleton''': ''[bellows]'' '''''HYDE!!!!!!'''''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[softer]'' No...!

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:'''The Nerd:''' I think I get it. Why, it's the best game ever made. It's more than a game! It exposes the dual nature of the human spirit. The only way to win the game is to be Jekyll, but you wanna be Hyde so you can shoot shit! You see, it's a constant battle between good and evil, and Jekyll must stay farther along his path than Hyde. If Hyde gains the lead, then evil will triumph over good, and that's the true conflict of the human soul.
:'''The Nerd:''' And to deny the evil completely would only force it into the subconscious mind, like a city broken into different social classes: people don't wanna step outside their own boundaries, like Jekyll wandering into the wrong section of town, he's unwelcome. Nevertheless, he must abide by his own good nature.
:'''The Nerd:''' No wonder the cane doesn't work. The game does not reward you for acting upon your malevolent intentions. It's a proposed guideline for a set of morality rules to be programmed into real life. It uses the Victorian Era as a fundamental depiction of outward respectability and inward lust, it's a metaphor for social and geographical fragmentation. It alludes the Freud theory of repression in which unacceptable desires or impulses are excluded from the conscious mind and left to operate on their own in the ''un''conscious.
:'''The Nerd:''' Or, you could just say, '''''&quot;THE GAME FUCKIN' SUCKS.&quot;'''''

=== [[w:Lester the Unlikely|Lester the Unlikely]] ===
:'''AVGN''': (sighs) What's the point? It's all gonna be dust one day. [He decides to play Lester the Unlikely] ''[[w:Lester the Unlikely|Lester the Unlikely]].'' It's unlikely that this is gonna be a good game. (Inserts the game in and turns the Super Nintendo on as Lester yells like Tarzan.) Okay, title screen. Guy swinging on a vine. Like every other jungle adventure game. Then comes the story. You're Lester, a comic book geek who wanders onto a dock, and then... (Groans) OK, I have no faith in this character already if he's gonna go to sleep on a piece of cargo that's being loaded onto a ship. He becomes an involuntary stowaway, the ship's raided by pirates, and Lester swims to a nearby tropical island. That's where the game begins.

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:'''AVGN''': Half the time Lester does things against your own will. ''[Lester automatically runs away from a crab]'' I didn't do that! The game did! Have you ever had a game character disobey? ''[Lester runs away from a large turtle on the ground]'' Go near the godfuckingdamn turtle! Why does he keep running!? What's so threatening about a fucking turtle!? ''[Lester runs away from another turtle]'' Run, Lester, run! Get away from that turtle! That turtle might charge really fucking fast!

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:'''AVGN''': This is a penis-shaped piss stain on the face of gaming. I'd rather fuck the Wicked Witch of the West! I'd rather play a CD-i game! Yeah! Like ''The Flowers of Robert Mapplethorpe''. ''[plays it, but after a while of just looking at still images of flowers]'' ...No, I wouldn't.

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:'''AVGN''': Just let him die. Who wants to play as a weak, pathetic character like this? Wouldn't you rather be a tough guy? Isn't that the whole point of playing a game? To feel empowered? To be someone you're not? I mean, I get it - he's supposed to be a nerd. Well, this &quot;nerd&quot; makes me look like [[w:Charles Bronson|Charles Bronson]]! [[w:Steve Urkel|Steve Urkel]] could beat the fuck out of this guy! I think this whole thing was an experiment: To create the world's ''worst'' video game character.

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:'''AVGN''': No wonder why he didn't get his own sequels. I can imagine what Lester the Unlikely 2 would've been like. The game would start... and you couldn't even move! All that happens, Lester pulls down his pants, sucks his thumb, and takes a fuck. The third game, you couldn't even get past the title screen. All that happens, you push Start, and Lester falls down and farts. (he shrugs) The fourth game doesn't even work at all. You just put it in your Super Nintendo... (the Nerd puts the game into the SNES, turns it on, and the game explodes)... and it explodes. (disgusted) The fifth game isn't even a game at all: it's just a bag of shit that says Lester the Unlikely 5 on it. (the Nerd holds up the &quot;Lester the Unlikely&quot; 5 bag and fuck is dripping down to the floor. The Nerd holds his nose in revolt.) And there's a new one coming up on the PS4 using the latest state-of-the-art technology (the Nerd holds up the CD) of constructing the disc out of orangutan diarrhea. It just turned out that was the only way, and it really gives Blu-Ray a run for its money.

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:'''AVGN''': Fuck this game. (throws down the controller) And you know what? Fuck all games. I'm gonna watch some TV. ''(He turns on the TV and tries to change channels, but the TV is all static.)'' Man. TV nowadays sucks.

=== How The Nerd Stole Christmas ===
:'''AVGN''': ''[[w:Wall Street Kid|Wall Street Kid]]'' is a game about cash and stocks. Might as well fill my Christmas socks with trash and severed cat cocks!

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:'''AVGN''': ''[[w:Killing Time (video game)|Killing Time]]'' on [[w:3DO Interactive Multiplayer|3DO]] doesn't give you enough ammo! Your parents paying fifty bucks for a game where you shoot the fuck out of ducks really sucks! I'd rather eat deceased skunk yeast than play inferior arcade ports like ''[[w:Altered Beast|Altered Beast]]''. Altered Beast is a nut-kicking feast I can't stand in the least!

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:'''AVGN''': ''[[w:S.C.A.T.: Special Cybernetic Attack Team|S.C.A.T.]]'' stands for Special Cybernetic Attack Team, but &quot;the droppings of carnivorous mammals&quot; is what the word &quot;scat&quot; really means. It's as close as you can get to a Nintendo game called &quot;Shit&quot;.

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:'''AVGN''': We'll see how they like ''[[w:Circus Caper|Circus Caper]]'', it's as fun as inhaling Chewbacca's anal vapor!

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: '''AVGN''': ''[Playing [[w:Fist of the North Star (Nintendo Entertainment System)|''Fist of the North Star'']] on NES]'' Finding the right door is such a chore. C'mon, where do I go!? What a bore! Finally, when you do find the right door, how you go in? Wanna know the way? Not up, not down: By pressing Right, B, and A!!! How much were they drinking!? Why is it so stinking!? I'm staring unblinking, &quot;What were they thinking!?&quot;

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:'''Bear McCreary''': ''[singing to the tune of ''You're A Mean One, Mr. Grinch''].''
:''You're a mean one, Mr. Nerd.''
:''You really are a jerk!''
:''You're shameless as a shitmop,''
:''You got mischief in your smirk, Mr. Nerd.''
:''I wouldn't blame you when you're playing Atari Berzerk!''
:''You're a vile one, Mr. Nerd.''
:''You've got demons in your soul!''
:''You're wacky and you're wicked,''
:''Your crap is full of coal, Mr. Nerd.''

=== [[w:Day Dreamin' Davey|Day Dreamin' Davey]] ===
:'''AVGN''': Oh, no. Time to play a fucky game for the 98th fucking time. Day Dreamin' Davey. Should I even care who the hell Davey is? Oh no, it's HAL. Don't trust anything called HAL. Actually, the same company created Kirby, and developed Super Smash Bros. Maybe this won't be so bad then.
:'''Davey''': Awesome!
:'''AVGN''':  Oh, no. I just jinxed the whole thing. Well, as you probably guessed from the title, this is all about a kid who daydreams. Starts out, Davey's in school, and a bully steals his pencil. ...So he's gotta get the pencil back? Man, that's some epic storyline right there. So, Davey falls asleep in class and dreams he's in the Middle Ages. It's like your typical Zelda-esque adventure, but instead of trying to save a princess and save the lives of everyone in the land from evil forces, it's all about getting... a pencil.

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:'''AVGN''': Why does he care so much about a fucking pencil? Was he planning to take it home after school and shove it up his fuck or something?

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:'''AVGN''': Then you get a sword, but it's a dream, so when he wakes up it's a ruler he's holding. Why is he so excited about a ruler? Does he wanna measure his turds? Then the teacher says, &quot;What are you doing? You are going to see the principal for this.&quot; Um, for what? For measuring his turds in class?

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:'''AVGN''': What's this? A hooker? She asks if I need some &quot;help&quot;? Really! There's a Nintendo game where a ''hooker'' tries to sell herself to a kid. ''Now'' this whole thing is worth it.

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:'''AVGN''': ''[after defeating the Medusa]'' Finally when you kill her, you grab her head off the ground. You know what would be really awesome? If Davey woke up here, and had the teacher's decapitated head in his hands. ''[appears an image of Davey happily holding the teacher's blood dripping head]'' Yeah.

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:'''AVGN''': ''[after Davey got a trophy in his dream, and he wakes up in front of the principal with the trophy actually in his possession]'' So Davey wakes up and the Principal's like, &quot;Where'd you get that trophy?&quot; So, now Davey's actually bringing back objects from his dreams? Does this make any sense? You know what would be cool? If Freddy Krueger came out and clawed his fucking face off!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Well, that's it! Basically, that's Day Dreamin' Davey. That's the whole game. Mediocre... That's what it is. So, until next time... Gotta dream... something... better...

=== [[w:Star Wars computer and video games|Star Wars]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': I have a bad feeling about this. We're gonna play a bunch of ''[[w:Star Wars computer and video games|Star Wars games]].''The movies were a prime target for video game adaptations. They were full of all kinds of action setpieces with battles taking place in space and on land, lightsaber duels, speederbike chases. They had lovable characters, great storylines, and a classic mythology that was bright for expanding upon in the world of gaming. So, how could they fuck that up? Let's find out. Our journey begins, innocently enough, with the Atari 2600. ''[plays Star Wars for the Atari 2600]'' This is the first Star Wars game, or at least the first Atari version based on the first movie. It follows the same format as the arcade version which came out before. It focuses on only one scene from the movie: the climactic rebel attack on the Death Star. It's unimpressive to say the least, but for the time, it was ambitious to try and create a 3D perspective. And besides, the Atari 2600 is well known for not being able to live up to the arcade standards of quality.

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[Playing the Japanese Famicom ''Star Wars'', the Nerd fights [[w:Darth Vader|Darth Vader]] inside the sandcrawler level, and is shocked when Vader transforms into a scorpion.]'' Did that happen in the movie? Did that happen in... any of the movies?! Did Darth Vader say to [[w:Luke Skywalker|Luke]], &quot;I am your father, and I am also, a ''fucking'' scorpion!&quot; No! It's not true! '''''THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!! WHY DOES DARTH VADER TURN INTO A FUCKING SCORPION?!''''' That doesn't even happen in the Special Editions! There is ''no'' version of ''Star Wars,'' in this universe or timeline, or any other (I'm...sure of it.) where Darth Vader turns into...''[Takes his glasses off, cleans them, rubs his eyes, and puts them back on]''...a ''fucking'' scorpion.

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:'''The Nerd''': It also happens to be one of those &quot;Where the fuck do I go?&quot; kind of games. If you haven't played the game before, you can spend hours searching for the right place. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': OK, so I guess he's going into the Mos Eisley bar. That's the famous scene in the movie where Luke meets [[w:Han Solo|Han Solo]]. But one thing I didn't know was that they allow Landspeeders in the bar. What, does Luke just crash his way in? ''[a car-crashing sound effect and a Chewbacca roar are imposed on Luke riding the landspeeder straight into the bar]'' It's quite interesting, actually. In this version, Luke gets to the bar so fast, I bet Han and Greedo were still talking at, at the table, and you know, who shot first, Han or Greedo, whatever. But actually, neither one of them did! Luke kills Greedo with his Landspeeder. Right after Han says &quot;Over my dead body.&quot;, '''''BOOM!''''' All of a sudden, Luke comes through, crashing with the fucking Landspeeder!!! I wanna see ''that'' in the next Special Edition.

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:'''The Nerd''': The NES got [[w:Star Wars (1991 video game)|a different Star Wars game.]] ''[sees JVC logo]'' Hold on. No LJN? It's a movie based game, it's on Nintendo, and it wasn't made by LJN? Then it might have a chance.

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:'''The Nerd''': Man, the only way to beat an outrageously difficult game like this is to cheat! Like, I hear a lot of people use emulators or save-states. You know, that would be pretty handy, I guess, but you know what'd be better? How about just a button you press that makes the game beat? And that's why I invented the Beat-A-Game Button! Yeah! All you do, if you're playing a really hard game, you just push the button, and the game's beat! Let's try it out. ''[[w:Ninja Gaiden II: The Dark Sword of Chaos|Ninja Gaiden II]].'' Ooh, that's a hard game. Oh, man. Oh, shit. I'm getting my fuck kicked. ''[he gets an idea as he presses the Beat-A-Game Button then beats Ninja Gaiden II]'' ''[[w:The Legend of Zelda (video game)|Legend of Zelda]]!'' ''[presses the button and he beats said game]'' Beat it. ''[[w:Mega Man (video game)|Mega Man]]!'' ''[presses the button and he beats said game]'' Beat it. You'd never thought you could beat the game. Not without the Beat-A-Game Button! ''[stands up and walks to his NES library]'' All right, all you games. Consider your ass beat! ''[he holds the button in triumph while an 8-bit version of [[w:Music of Star Wars|The Imperial March]] plays as he wouldn't use the button to beat every single game]'' All right, back to ''Star Wars.''

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:'''The Nerd''': Of course we had to stop somewhere because there's a whole galaxy of ''Star Wars''-related games so this could've gone on and on. With ''Star Wars Rebel Assault, Dark Forces, Jedi Academy, Rogue Squadron, Battlefront, Star Wars Chess, Lego Star Wars, Star Wars Puzzle Blaster, Star Wars Pod Racer, [he then starts making them up as he goes along] Jar Jar Binks Bingo, Death Star Builder 3.0, Chewie Wookie Cookie Cooking, Stormtrooper Tennis, Jabba's Farts Unleashed,'' (That was a good one.) ''Wedge's Wedgie Attack, Fishing For Ackbars, Super Sith Shit-Toss Tournament Edition, Boba Fett's Name Game,'' (Find his name in the fuckin' movies.) ''Govenor Tarkin vs. Count Dookie--'' ''[a cutout buffalo walks past and defecates through the Nerd's window, breaking it and startling the Nerd.]'' '''''OH, MY GOD!!! OH, MY GOD! WHAT THE--?! THAT FUCKING BUFFALO JUST TOOK A FUCKING FUCK THROUGH MY FUCKING WINDOW!!! OH, MY FUCKING GOD, THERE'S FUCK AND FUCKING GLASS ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE! WHERE IN THE FUCK DID THAT FUCKING COME FROM?! OH, MY GOD!! NOW I GOTTA FUCKING CLEAN ALL THIS FUCK UP! WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?!'''''

=== [[w:R.O.B.|R.O.B. The Robot]] ===
:'''R.O.B.''': ''[robotic voice]'' I will play, I am R.O.B., Robotic Operating Buddy.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[intrigued]'' Okay, cool, a robot. Here ya go. ''[hands R.O.B. the controller]''
:'''R.O.B.''': ''[robotic voice]'' Error, does not compute, requires adaptive device.
:'''The Nerd''': It's a controller. You play it.
:'''R.O.B.''': ''[robotic voice]'' I do not have thumbs, you moron. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''R.O.B.''': ''[robotic voice]'' Must have gyros.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[annoyed]'' You want a fucking gyro now? ''[He goes into the kitchen, makes a gyro sandwich, and returns to R.O.B.]'' All right, here's your damn gyro.
:'''R.O.B.''': ''[robotic voice]'' You idiot. That is not a gyro.
:'''The Nerd''': I know, I tried - what, do you want me to go to fuckin' Greece?

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:'''The Nerd:''' ''[angrily]'' You ready now, R.O.B.? You happy? You got enough ''shit'' to work with?!
:'''R.O.B''': ''[robotic voice]'' Affirmative.
:'''The Nerd''': &quot;Affirmative,&quot; your ''ass!'' Let's play. 

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:'''The Nerd''': Oh, no, no, no, no-- ''[Professor Hector dies]'' ''[growling]'' Fuck! Oh, here comes a Smick! ''[Professor Hector dies again]'' ''[exclaims]'' Fucking Smick's a dick!

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:'''The Nerd''': You're doing this, you cybernetic shit-sucker!

== Season Six ==

=== [[w:Steven Spielberg|Spielberg Games]] ===

:'''AVGN''': You wanna know a recipe for shit? Take a movie, put it on NES, n' you got yourself some shit. But let's go even more extreme. Let's take one of the best movies ever made, ''[[w:Jaws (film)|Jaws]]'', by one of the best directors, Steven Spielberg! And then, let's give it to ''the'' game company that has made more fucking shitty games than anybody else! You see that little rainbow, right there? LJN. ...Now we're talking shit. Ahh, LJN. What we're dealing with here is a shitty-game-making-machine. It's really a miracle of electronic evolution. All this machine does is joke, and cheat, and make shitty games, and that's all.

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:'''AVGN''': Jaws’ Power Meter goes down slower than the hairs grow on a moose’s scrotum.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': We're gonna need a bigger ass... to shit out this fucking turd! ''[Removes the game from the Nintoaster]'' Never playing this game again. I would just throw it into the sea, but I hear that in 2015, there's an antique store opening up, in Hill Valley. They might take it. ''(Picks up a box)'' Well, right here, I got a box of games, based on movies by Steven Spielberg. Let's see what we got. ''(he pulls out E.T. the Extra Terrestrial for the Atari 2600. The Nerd gasps in horror, throws the box away, and the camera zooms in on the E.T. game)'' Ugh!

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:'''AVGN''': Super ''[[w:Schindler's List|Schindler's List]]'' 3D!? Nah, I'm just kiddin'. It's ''[[w:Jurassic Park (film)|Jurassic Park]]''.

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:'''AVGN''': It's one of those &quot;Where the fuck do I go?&quot; kind of games. You run around like an idiot collecting eggs. So, yes, it's like a big Easter egg hunt with Smokey Bear and dinosaurs. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Looky looky, I got [[w:Hook|Hooky]].

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:'''AVGN''': It's amazing how many games in the NES library tried to be side-scrollers and failed. The weapon is puny, the controls suck, and it's nothing like the movie. It's a miserable experience that assaults your eyes and ears with ''horrible'' graphics and music. What about your nose? If it was possible, I'm sure the game cartridge would come with an air duct that pervades the room with the rancid odor of a skunk that's died up a horse's ass! Ugh! You know what kind of games I like? Good ones?

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:'''AVGN''': ''[Playing ''Jurassic Park: Interactive'' on the 3DO]'' Oh, look at this! You're a tiny microscopic speck flying around in circuit-chip land shooting three-and-a-half-inch floppy disks. What does this have to do with ''Jurassic Park''!? WHAT WERE THEY THINKING!? Wait a minute. What does it say on the floppy disks? &quot;'''Dump'''&quot;? It says &quot;Dump&quot;? How appropriate. This game is a bunch of anal dump.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''Jurassic Park'' on 3DO is a complete mockery, man. Does it suck? You bet &quot;JUR ASS IC&quot; sucks! In the words of Ian Malcom, &quot;That is one big pile of shit.&quot; The problem with all these games is that the power to make them doesn't require any discipline. They took the movie, without any responsibility, they stood on the shoulders of Steven Spielberg and Michael Crichton to accomplish something as fast as they could, and before they even knew what they had, they patented it, they packaged it, they slapped it on a plastic game cartridge or CD, and (slaps) they sold it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Now even though this says E.T. Go Come on the cover it is not the E.T. game. Oh no. Now I gotta make something perfectly clear. I play shitty games so that innocent gamers don't have to. But there's ''one'' game I ''never'' play. ''[picks up [[w:E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (video game)|E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial]] for the Atari, opens the box, shows a cartridge then throws it in disgust while the choir sings in background]'' Ugh! ''[looks away, then looks back just as the camera slowly zooms in on the game with texts appear saying &quot;To Be Continued in [[w:Angry Video Game Nerd: The Movie|Angry Video Game Nerd: The Movie]]&quot;]''

=== The Making of an Angry Video Game Nerd episode/[[w:Barbie (video game)|Barbie]] ===
:'''AVGN''': No degeneracy is low enough to satisfy the shit-seeking gamer who decides to play ''Barbie'' on NES. Whoo. We know that most games on NES are targeted towards young boys. So, here's one for the girls. As an adult male, why would I ''ever'' want to play this? Because I'm pathetic, and I'm asking for fuck!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': So the game is actually her dream, in case you ever wanted to know what Barbie dreams about. She dreams about a nursery that's been overtaken by a poltergeist! Tennis rackets are hitting balls all over the place, there's clothing flying around, she has to fight the invisible woman, there's a puppy dog that's helping her attack evil stockings or something, Toucan Sam gives her a lift... I wonder if there's any psychological meaning behind these dreams. Barbie's really fucked up in the head. Even the craziest psychopaths on Earth don't dream this fuck!

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:'''AVGN''': The wallpaper's covered in roses, teddy bears, and baseballs. I guess you can say this game is balls to the wall. I can't help but notice how many balls are in the game. They're everywhere! Perhaps the meaning behind this is because she's obsessed with Ken's balls.

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:'''AVGN''': I just got my ass handed to me by a ''Barbie'' game. This game was made for little girls and I can't even get past the first few stages. Fuck this game! Fucking Barbie! Plastic pink mall-shopping, bimbo, ball-craving, bird-riding, ghost-fighting, fish-flopping, psycho-dreaming, HAIR BRAIN PIECE OF FUCK! Go to fuck!

=== [[w:Kid Kool|Kid Kool]] ===
:'''AVGN''': ''Kid Kool'' is a game that's so bad, you wouldn't want to go wipe your ass on it. Your worst fucking enemies don't deserve to play this accursed, foul piece of garbage! Satan doesn't even have any games in Fuck that are as wretched as this putrid shitload of fuck!

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:'''AVGN''': There's parts where you have to get over water and the only way to do this is to master the fragile art of skipping across on your butt. Think it looks easy? It's not.

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:'''AVGN''': ''What'' is the deal with this? Did the programmers have any clue how to make a video game? You're not supposed to have the game stop in mid-jump to reorient the screen! That is so irritating! How are you supposed to make a jump when the screen keeps jolting up and down!? How are you supposed to stomp on enemies!? Look at this! ''Look at this!'' We'll call it &quot;air suspension fuck-lift&quot;.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''':  So that's ''Kid Kool'' for you. It seems to deliberately follow the guidelines for making an unholy disaster of a game. It has one-way bullshit, two-gear diarrhea, it's heavy on the jump-fuckness, with loads of topside aquatic ass, it has frequent air suspension shit-lifts, a ton of inviso-bitches, and some free-falling fuckballs for good measure. How did they make the game this bad!? It's clearly untested and rushed beyond belief. There couldn't have been that big a demand for ''Kid Kool''. What was the hurry? In order to do something good, it takes time.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I went through all that torture just to be given the middle-finger salute!? This is a perfect example of a game that's been ruined by control. Control! And that's the hardest part to explain because unless you've played the game, you don't really understand. I mean, maybe you've played other games with horrible control like ''Karate Champ'', or ''Dr. Claw's Dump n' Pump'', but those don't compare. Playing this is like trying to thread a needle while it's spinning on a record player. It's like trying to drive a car blindfolded. You would NOT want to try that, nor would you want to try this game! ''Kid Kool'' is not cool! ''[the Nerd blindly throws the game over his shoulder, and by chance it lands into a garbage bin, to his astonishment.]''

=== [[w:Nintendo World Championships|Nintendo World Championships]] ===
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:'''The Nerd''': ''[he excitedly holds the box of NES games]'' If this box contains what I think it does, then this will be the greatest moment in my career as a game collector. I bought this from an eBay auction. The seller gave a list of games included; mostly NES games that I own already. But there's one that caught my attention: ''[[w:Nintendo World Championships|Nintendo World Championships]]''. Under normal circumstances, this particular game would cost a fortune. The seller probably had no idea what they had, and that happens sometimes. They're trying to get rid of some old games at a flea market or a yard sale or something, and they don't realize that what they're selling happens to be one of the most rare NES games in existence. Nintendo World Championships was never sold in stores. It was a specially-made game cartridge used as part of a gaming competition. Remember the 1989 movie, The Wizard with the big game tournament? Well, this was a real-life version inspired by the movie. The competition was part of a big festival called Powerfest in 1990. It was divided into age groups. Each winner got a cash prize of $10,000, and took home other goodies. The finalists each got to keep their own copy of the game. But there was another version made in gold. The gold cartridges are even more rare. Only 26 were made, and given out as part of a random prize giveaway in Nintendo Power magazine. Also, the red label only existed in the promo pics. The actual games were all gold with a cheap logo glued on that's been cut out with scissors. The whereabouts of these games remain largely unknown. But, in recent years, many of them have show up in auctions, commanding huge prices. But there's still more out there. Um, there were other Nintendo contests like Campus Challenge, two of them, and the Super Nintendo Powerfest '94 competition. But Nintendo World Championships seems to be the most famous, and is considered the Holy Grail among NES collectors. Could I have one of these in my possession right now? Let's find out! ''[starts opening up box with excitedly]'' Oh, boy, I can't wait! It's, I wonder, it's probably the grey one. But who knows? It might even be the gold one! ''[anxiously opens box and digs through cartridges, and unveils game labeled &quot;NWC1990&quot;; Nerd is excited until the camera zooms in on the game's text &quot;Reproduction Cartridge&quot;, and the Nerd's joy slowly fades]'' This is a reproduction cart. Anybody can get these. Worth about $50. ''[he sighs, stands up, and walks to game shelves]'' Well, at least I can still say, &quot;I own Nintendo World Championships&quot;. ''[he places the reproduction cartridge into his game shelf]'' It's not the real thing. I'll never own a complete NES collection. Wait a minute. I know somebody who might own a real NWC. Yeah, somebody who's as obsessed with game collecting as I am, and when it comes to NES, he's even more crazy.

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[on the phone with Pat the NES Punk, discussing the authentic copy of the game in Pat's possession]'' Tell you what, uh, if you come on over? I'll help, um, authenticate it for you. I'll give it the Nerd seal of approval.
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': The &quot;Nerd seal of approval&quot;? What is that? Like, you'll take a dump on it?
:'''The Nerd''': No, that would be the Nerd seal of disapproval. Come over, I'll take a look at it.

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[trying to convince Pat to give him the rarer gold NWC cart]'' The gold one's a piece of crap! I mean, you don't want that. I mean, you know how they made those! They just cut out the logo with cheap paper, and they glued it on! With glue!
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': Yeah! Elmer's glue!
:'''The Nerd''': Yeah-yeah, I bet Mr. Elmer himself glued it on from his own goat. ''[imitates goat bleating]''

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:'''Pat the NES Punk''': ''[while getting ready to play NWC]'' Where's your Nintendo?
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, the Nintendo? Right there, the Nintoaster.
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': The what? Are you playing video games or making breakfast? I'm not turning these expensive games into a goddamn English muffin!

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[while playing the ''Rad Racer'' portion of NWC]'' Just think, the NWC cartridges are so expensive, you could actually use that money and buy a real car!
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': Sure, you can buy a car, but it wouldn't be a racer as rad as this.
:'''The Nerd''': Alright, So I finished ''Rad Racer.'' Now I'm up to ''Tetris?''
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': Final game, Nerd. All right, you're on a time limit, and to maximize your score, you gotta get the four-line Tetrises. W-Wait. Why am I helping you? You think you deserve these games? You changed your name from the Angry ''Nintendo'' Nerd to the ''Video Game'' Nerd! I'm the NES Punk, I deserve these games!
:'''The Nerd''': I know a lot of people who own ''Tetris.'' And they actually have the whole game!
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': That's it, that's your score. I'm going to annihilate it. ''[takes the NES controller from The Nerd]'' Thank you very much. ''[gets 50 coins on [[w:Super Mario Bros.|Super Mario Bros.]]]'' Okay, I just beat you on ''Super Mario Bros.'' Now, it's ''Rad Racer'' time.
:'''The Nerd''': Look at that. Well, you got two more games!
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': Yeah, I know I do. I can count!
:'''The Nerd''': Well, just think. We're playing on a reproduction cart, but if we were playing one of those other ones, it would be the same thing. So, what's the point? Just to play on an overly priced game cartridge?
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': What's the point? The point is, those games are part of Nintendo and video game history! There are part of our culture! Those games represent the point where Nintendo dominated our, our society! ''[car in &quot;Rad Racer&quot; crashes]'' Oh-- ah! ''[[w:Tetris|Tetris]]'' is next. I'm not gonna let you taunt me outta this one, I'm gonna win!
:'''The Nerd''': No, I'm serious. This game is a piece of shit.
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': Come on, Pat. Come on. Yeah! Triple-Line score! ''[pants]'' Double-Line score! I'm gonna win. ''[The Nerd gets the hammer from the drawer]'' The games are mine!
:'''The Nerd''': ''Nintendo World Championships'' is poop on a pedestal. It's an over-glorified holy shit-grail! Fuck it to hell, fuck it to high heaven, purgatory, and all existence!
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yes! Yes! I won! I won! ''[The Nerd whacks the two cartridges as he grunts angrily and smashes them into pieces as Pat looks at the broken pieces of NWC cartridges then The Nerd removes the reproduction cartridge.]''
:'''The Nerd''': Here you go. You can have this one. ''[Pat the NES Punk takes it for a moment, and then it slips out of his hands in his own disbelief. Pat the NES Punk then starts laughing, and The Nerd starts laughing as well.]'' Oh, man. ''[laughs then gets attacked by Pat the NES Punk]''

=== [[w:Dark Castle|Dark Castle]] ===

:'''AVGN:''' This is gonna get scary. Okay, I play a lot of 8-bit shit; you know, NES. Why is there so many crappy games on NES? I mean - you know, they have lots of great, classic games as well. But its precious library was being used by all these half-ass game companies as a dumping ground for all their foul shit.

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:'''AVGN:''' ''[Talking about the title screen in the Genesis version of Dark Castle]'' What the hell is this? A ghost giving a castle a blow job?

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:'''AVGN:''' ''[Upon starting the game and noticing the first room]'' This one says &quot;BK&quot;. What the hell does BK stand for? Burger King? I hope! If I go in there and I get served hamburgers, that would be the tits!

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:'''AVGN:''' ''[In the game's dungeon]'' Oh, that's neat. Graffiti on the walls. &quot;Gamers rule&quot; and *what?* &quot;Saddam was here&quot;? As in Saddam Hussein? What was he doin' goin' around writing on castle walls? And &quot;Gamers rule&quot;? That's the same handwriting. Hmm, so Saddam was a really hardcore gamer? Wow.

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:'''AVGN:''' ''[Talking about the music]'' After you listen to the music for a half hour, you get tired of it. Fortunately, you have the option to turn the music off, but you have to do it at the right time, or else, it sustains it. ''[The nerd turns off the music at the wrong time and a loud genesis sound is played]'' '''Isn't that the fuckest thing you've ever heard?!! Didn't anybody test this shit out?!!'''

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:'''AVGN:''' ''[on the game's attacking controls]'' Why couldn’t this just operate like any normal game? Whoever came up with this idea is nuttier than squirrel poop.

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:'''AVGN:''' As you notice, you can duck, it's done by pressing Down and B. But it only ducks for like a second. To stay ducking, you have to press ''up'' and B. Yup, pressing Up to duck is ''pretty fucked up''!

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:'''AVGN:''' On top of everything, it’s one of those maze-like, mindfuck games, where you never know where to go. Can I go here? Nope. Can I go there? Nope. What about here? Nope. Three spots on the same screen, all dead ends. Well, if it’s a dead end, WHY CAN'T THEY MAKE IT LOOK LIKE A DEAD END?! PUT A WALL THERE OR SOMETHING! WHY DOES IT HAVE TO LOOK LIKE A WIDE OPEN PASSAGEWAY?!

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:'''AVGN:''' I happen to find a key, but I can’t figure out what it does. I tried every spot I can think of, but this key is as useless as boobs on a bull. Anything you do, you're fucked! Try this, you're fucked. Try that, you're fucked. You're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked!

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:'''AVGN:''' ''This'' is beyond any doubt, the ''worst'' Sega Genesis game I have ''ever'' played. There’s gotta be something I’m doing wrong. Let me see; maybe it’s on a really high difficulty setting - yeah, let me see what I can do here. Umm… EASY!? It was on easy!? That’s their idea of fucking easy!? Are they out of their minds!? Alright, let’s flick that shit-switch and crank up that diarrhea-dial; I got Dark Castle on C! D! '''''IIIIIIIIIII!!!''''' ''[roaring while flames engulf the room]''

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:'''AVGN:''' I can barely even fucking move! The control is ''impossible''! You ''can’t'' control it. You have more control over the weather than you do in the character in this game!

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:'''AVGN:''' The Genesis version was bad, but this one fucks you harder than life itself! It’s like mixing shit with turds! It’s the most heinously anus thing ever conceived by humankind! It’s a curse to the soul, and it must suffer the tortures of the damned!

=== Bible Games III ===

:'''AVGN:''' In the beginning, the game company called Wisdom Tree began producing unlicensed games for the NES. Wisdom Tree said, &quot;Let there be shit.&quot; And there was shit. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about: Bible games, like Bible Buffet, where you're blowing off a snowman's head (which has nothing to do with the Bible), Super Noah's Ark 3D, where you're slingshottin' pissed off animals, Sunday Funday, where you're killing random people on your way to church, and all those ridiculous CD-i games.
:'''Child's voice:''' Yippie! Yippie! Whoops! Yippie!
:'''AVGN:''' I've already talked about these games in my previous Bible Games episodes. So what's the point of going on? Because Part 3 is never as good. But, you know, there's a few more bible games left, so I might as well finish what I started.

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:'''AVGN:''' ''[playing a Hangman-style game in ''King James Bible'' on Game Boy]'' Alright, what's the word? &quot;'''Goodliest'''&quot;? Who the fuck uses a word like that? &quot;'''Blessedness'''&quot;? Of course. They're all ancient words that nobody says anymore in common speech. Well, that's all there is to that. I marvel at this game's shitliness.

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:'''AVGN:''' The other thing you can do is search for words in the Bible. For example, we can search, I dunno, how about the word &quot;Ass&quot;? [many results appear] Okay, I had no idea there'd be this many results. &quot;'''Then they rent their clothes and laded every man his ass'''&quot;, &quot;'''loose his ox or his ass'''&quot;, &quot;'''whose ass have I taken?'''&quot;, &quot;'''deliver unto his neighbour an ass'''&quot;, &quot;'''Which of you shall have an ass'''&quot;, &quot;'''he had found a young ass'''&quot;, &quot;'''the dumb ass'''&quot; - [laughs] it says &quot;dumb ass&quot; in the Bible - &quot;'''saddled his ass'''&quot;, &quot;'''opened his sack to give his ass'''&quot;, &quot;'''the lion had not eaten the carcase, nor torn the ass'''&quot;, &quot;'''riding upon his ass'''&quot;? ''[chuckles]'' Oh, I'm going to Hell.

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:'''AVGN:''' ''[playing the Genesis version of ''Bible Adventures'']'' Man, Noah has some balls to be rescuing snakes. Indiana Jones wouldn't do that. No, he thinks Noah is a snake-saving shit-sucker. Pee-wee Herman once saved snakes, but he fainted. That's right, in order of manliness, Indiana Jones, then Pee-wee, and then fucking Noah.

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:'''AVGN:''' The monkeys, I hate them. They're so fucking hard to catch! I'm gonna get ya, you stupid monkey. Yeah! Whatever it takes fuckface. You're slime... you're filth... I'm gonna rip you apart.

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:'''AVGN:''' The graphics are dull. There's so much brown. The Ark is brown, the trees are brown. Why's everything gotta be the color of shit? It might as well be shit. Yeah! Those trees in the background are like logs of shit coming out of God's ass. It's HOLY shit.

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:'''AVGN''': Well, that's Bible Adventures, that takes care of all the Bible games on Genesis. I could end things now, but I really don't want there to ever be a Bible Games 4, so there's one little bit of unfinished business: an NES game called King of Kings. I already reviewed this as part of my first Bible Games episode. It has 3 games in it. Jesus and the Temple, which is that Mario 2 (Super Mario Bros. 2) ripoff where you're hopping across logs. Then there's The Wise Men, where you're travelling to Baby Jesus. That means it's the only Christmas game. Isn't that the whole reason I did this in December? Why did I do all these other Bible games? I guess when it comes to bad games, I go above and beyond.

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:'''AVGN:''' ''[replaying ''Flight To Egypt'']'' Every pixel in this game is a sin. First of all, I don't get the title. &quot;''Flight to Egypt''&quot;? You're not flying, you're riding on a donkey, or an ass, if you prefer. What airline is this? &quot;Ass Express&quot;? ...And yes, I know the word &quot;Flight&quot; doesn't necessarily mean aviation, but, hey, it's a fucking joke. Your only attack is this embarrassing, dinky little kick which can't harm anything, unless it's right up in your ass. Or I should say, your ass's ass, not your ass that's sitting upon the ass.

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:'''AVGN:''' And... that's it? Did anything else happen? Did the angel say anything? Did the sight of the angel make Joseph sick in his stomach? Did the donkey stalk them in their sleep? What happened? I assumed that I pressed the button by mistake and actually cancelled out the rest of the ending, but no, I've actually beaten the game multiple times just to try and solve this mystery and the same thing happens! It just stays on this screen until you press something, and then it returns you to the main menu. But I'm aware that the last screen is supposed to be playing text that says &quot;Give your heart to Jesus,&quot; but I'm not seeing it so I'm assuming that I'm supposed to beat all 3 games to see the true ending, and I'm not going through all that trouble, although I will give my heart to Jesus. (The Nerd physically rips out his heart and holds it out.) OH JESUS!

== Season Seven ==

=== [[w:Arnold Schwarzenegger|Schwarzenegger Games]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' I'm back. And so is [[w:Arnold Schwarzenegger|Arnold Schwarzenegger]] in [[w:The Expendables 2|The Expendables 2]] I can't wait to see that! In the 80's and 90's, nobody kicked as much ass and coined as many catchphrases as he did. And now that he's comin' back to do a little more acting, I think it's an appropriate time... to look at some NES games based on his movies. NES, a console so influential in the side-scrolling action genre. Now pair that with one of the biggest action movie stars, and... you have a match made in heaven. How could you go wrong? (nervously gives a dorky smile) Uh, I don't know. (Chuckles) Uh, Take this game for example: ''[[w:Total Recall|Total Recall]]''. I remember my first time playing it as a kid. It was a Friday night, my homework was all done, my mom took me to the video store, I rented this game, I took it home, man, I played it, and it just '''FUCKIN' ''PISSED ME OFF,''''' ''[gritted teeth]'' '''''AND RUINED MY WHOLE GODDAMN WEEKEND!'''''

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:'''The Nerd''': I've already talked about the ''Terminator'' games and they suffered the same fate. The first Terminator had some of the worst controls in existence. The only way to fire the gun is to crouch into this gun mode and jumping around requires extreme accuracy. The second game was a monotonous button masher where enemies take a thousand punches. And there were platforms you can't jump on, like some kind of prank!

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing &quot;Last Action Hero&quot; on NES]'' It uses cutscenes with images taken from the movie, but they look like garbage. The contrast is so intense you can't even tell what you're looking at. What is this? A dead fish? A porcupine's back? Oh, it's the top of some guy's head. Damn, it looks like the NES just vomited all over your TV screen. How does it look this bad? I know this is only 8-bit, but I've seen much better. Even with ''Total Recall!'' Arnold's face on the title screen actually looks like him. Hell, even the ''E.T.'' game on Atari 2600 actually looks like E.T. On the title screen at least, but, God, ''[stutters]'' I can't talk about that game.

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[after playing &quot;Conan&quot; on NES]'' Who'd wanna play it anyway? I'd rather have a Sasquatch sit its ass on my face and shoot diarrhea down my throat! I'm dead fucking serious. What a shitload of fuck. What were they thinking? ''[he drinks Rolling Rock]'' And you know what the worst part about it is? I don't think it's really supposed to be based off the ''Conan the Barbarian'' movie. Just the character. So it's not really a Schwarzenegger game, and I just wasted my fucking time.

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:'''The Nerd''': All right, one last game, one last chance for the Schwarzenegger NES library to redeem itself: ''[[w:Predator (film)|Predator]].'' How could this be bad? It's fucking Predator. You look at the cover and think &quot;Yeah! This game's gonna be awesome!&quot; This is a real man's game. This game will turn you into a sexual tyrannosaur. Like me. ''[puts the game in the Nintoaster as the screen shows the game that Arnold wears pink]'' Is he wearing pink? Why'd they put him in pink? Did they see the movie? He doesn't wear pink in the movie. That's not an appropriate army color. I don't know. Maybe he's in pink to stand out from the dull graphics. The graphics are as ugly and dirty as this game's mom. This game sucks so bad the enemy soldiers commit suicide. In addition to the enemy soldiers, you must also face scorpions which you can stand on and they take you for a ride. But only the green scorpions. What, you thought you could ride on a red scorpion? What are you, crazy?

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:'''The Nerd''': This is another one of those games where the music doesn't stop when you pause. Even worse, if you press any button while paused other than &quot;Start&quot;, you will self-destruct. This ''can'' be handy, if you find yourself stuck somewhere, due to faulty game design. Like, here. I'm stuck in the damn rocks. So, rather than working out the bugs, they decided to include a suicide button. This is dangerous, because whenever the game's paused, you have to be careful not to hit the wrong button. Don't pause it, and then, pass it to your buddy whose thumb accidentally touches the &quot;A&quot; or &quot;B&quot; button, and kills off your last life fast than you can say &quot;Oops!&quot;. Another major inconvenience is that every time you die, you have to make sure to pick &quot;Continue&quot;. If you pick &quot;Start&quot;, your game is forever lost, and you have to go all the way back to the beginning. And sooner or later, when you keep playing this long enough...you're gonna make a mistake. It doesn't help that they put the cursor ''on'' &quot;Start&quot; by default. And you can't select by pressing the D-Pad. You have to use the &quot;Select&quot; button, which is right next to the &quot;Start&quot; button, increasing your risk of fucking it up. ''That'' is some sadistic bullshit.

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:'''The Nerd:''' This game blows ass, sucks duck cunt, fucking shit munchin' bunch of pile of... poop.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' ''[gets killed]'' '''''Fuck!''''' All right, c'mon. C'mon, c'mon c'mon. ''[he accidentally selects &quot;Start&quot; instead of &quot;Continue&quot;, and is shocked]'' Oops. ''I hit Start?'' ''I hit Start... '''I gotta go all the way back to the beginning.''''' ''[The Nerd shakes his controller and screams in rage]''  '''''AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!! FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-- SHIIIIIIIIIIT!!''''' ''[chokes himself with the controller]'' '''''FUUUUUUCK!! DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN!! AAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSS! YOUR MOTHER! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!''''' ''[drinks Rolling Rock]'' That's it. I'm seein' red. I'm gonna beat this fucker '''''right now!'''''

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:'''The Nerd:''' Oh, my God, I'm so fuckin' mad I could take a chainsaw to a fuckin' baby's neck right now! I could kick a baby pony! Out of my way, I'm gonna fuck you up. Fuckin' game, I'm gonna fuckin' kill it! [grunts] Your mother! Your father! Your uncle! Your uncle! ''[growls]'' Yeah! Yeah, I'm at the final boss! And-- And it's a... big Predator head that looks like Casey Jones from the ''Ninja Turtles.''
:'''The Nerd:''' C'mon, fu-fu-fu-fu-fu-fuck-- shit! ''[grunts]'' Shoot the bastard, come on! You stop shootin' that shit at me, I'm gonna fuckin' kill you! I'm gonna fuckin' kill you! See, I'm not playin' around. I'm not '''''FUCKIN' AROUND HERE!''''' ''[growls]'' '''''I'M NOT...FUCKIN' AROUND!'''''
:''[eventually defeats the first phase of the boss]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Ooh, the mask is off now. ''Now'' it's serious. Now it's fuckin'... ''[grunts]'' ...fuckin' fuck time! Oh, my God, I gotta fuckin' win before I have a heart attack!
:''[defeats the boss]''
:'''The Nerd:''' ''[shocked and happy]'' I did it! I did it, I won! I beat ''Predator!'' Oh, man. Ooh, boy. ''[exhales and reads text]'' &quot;Congratulations. You have survived.&quot; ''[deep sigh]'' Barely! ''[throws the NES controller.]''

=== [[w:Ghosts 'n Goblins|Ghosts 'n Goblins]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': Happy Halloween. And guess what I have here? I was doing an autograph signing not too long ago, and one of my fans hands me this piece of paper. It's a petition to review ''[[w:Ghosts 'n Goblins|Ghosts 'n Goblins]].'' Yeah, he went through the line and got everybody to sign it. Now, what's there to say about ''Ghosts 'n Goblins?'' Well, it's not a bad game. It's made by Capcom so how could it? But, it's one of the most difficult games in the NES library. This game is harder than fossilized triceratops turds! I'm talking Mega Man combined with Castlevania, that kind of hard. Games this ruthless and unforgiving should be illegal. And I never got a petition to review any other game. That's a true testament to the game's legacy and the internal frustration that scarred us all since childhood. I remember my first time playing it: I got it for my birthday, the same day I got my NES.
:'''Young James''': You wanna play ''Ghosts 'n Goblins?''
:'''Young April''': Yeah, I do!
:'''Young James''': Look!
:'''Young April''': I do!
:'''The Nerd''': Of course I had the ''Super Mario Bros./Duck Hunt'' combo cartridge, but the first game I attempted was ''Ghosts 'n Goblins.'' That's right, this is the first NES game I ever played. And that's one Hell of a game to start with.
:'''Young April''': Go on, shoot 'em, shoot 'em!
:'''Young James''': I don't know how!
:'''The Nerd''': Naturally, I got my ass kicked. This is what it would've looked like my first time playin' the game. I sucked balls. This new console was way different than the Atari 2600 I was accustomed to. In the 80's, these were the kind of brutal-ass games that kicked us into shape and heightened our senses. Made us into fuckin' tigers. And now, 25 years later, I'm gonna put my gaming skills to the ultimate test, and see if I can finally beat this fucker. Because, it's Halloween. There's no excuse. I can feel in the air. The time is right to play some Ghosts 'n Goblins.
:''[The Nerd inserts the game and thunder claps and lightning flashes]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': It begins with one of the most shocking intros in video game history: A couple just got done having sex in a cemetery. I'm not even kidding! What else does it look like? He's not even wearing clothes! Next thing, Satan shows up as if saying &quot;Yeah, I want to get in on some of that!&quot; and takes her away. That's the plot. Is that the greatest opening to an NES game or what?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[after getting killed by Satan]'' And now you're stuck with that shitty shield. Don't even try. You can't kill the Unicorn with the shield. It doesn't work. If someone else wants to try it, go ahead. You need the knife. So now, you gotta go ghostbusting. Kill those fucking ghosts until one of them drops a knife. Again, it's at pure random. So, expect to run the timer out a few times. And by this point, those annoying squeals the ghosts make will nearly drive you to break the fucking TV screen. ''[ghosts make squealing noises and the Nerd mimics it]'' '''''OH, SHUT UP!!!'''''
:'''The Nerd''': Finally, when you get the knife back, you can try the level again. ''[The Nerd is fighting Satan]'' C'mon, c'mon, c'mon! I'm gonna do it! ''[dies and exclaims with frustration]'' '''''FUCK!''''' ''[to the Jack O' Lantern]'' '''WHAT'RE ''YOU'' LAUGHIN' AT?!'''
:'''The Nerd''': You know that feeling you get when you ''almost'' beat the level, and you want another shot right away? You have that adrenaline going, and you want to start again immediately? Well, you can't. You gotta go wait for the fucking knife to come back. So, you'll never get two tries in a row. You know what? I'm sick of it! I've been playing this fucking game since the 80's. I gotta beat it! I need closure on this. I need to end this chapter on my life. This chapter of...not beating Ghosts 'N Goblins. ''[he barely beats two Satans as he gasps in joy]'' I did it! I beat two Satans! In my underwear!
:'''The Nerd''': Final boss: The Devil! Notice how I'm walking backwards. So, it's now in one-on-one fighting mode. Kinda like a certain other Capcom game. ''[gets hit and exclaims]'' Come on! My mother throws bigger fireballs than that.
:''[The Nerd defeats the Devil and is shocked but relieved]''
:'''The Nerd''': You know what? I don't try to be cocky or anything but... '''''who's the man?''''' I just beat one of the hardest games of all time! I bet you didn't think I could really do it, but [[w:Dawn of the Dead (1978 film)|I got this, man. '''''I GOT THIS BY THE ASS!''''']] ''[notices text on the screen]'' &quot;This room is an illusion and is a trap devisut by Satan. Go ahead dauntlessly! Make rapid progres!&quot;? ''[starts again from the beginning of the game and is horrified and speechless]''
:'''The Nerd''': You have to beat the game twice? ''[chuckles sarcastically]'' You have to beat the game twice in a row. That's just great because this time I'm ''[angrily]'' '''''TWICE AS FUCKING PISSED OFF!!''''' Beat the game twice. I'll show you twice. After all that hard work, who would want to do that shit again? It's like building a house and when you're finished, you tear it down just to build it one more time. &quot;Oh, yeah, we could've made 12 stages, but instead, let's just make six and make people have to play the game twice.&quot;
:'''The Nerd''': All right. I'm gonna get the good ending this time. It better be good, whatever it is. It better be something awesome for goin' through the game twice. All right. '''''All right!''''' ''[beats the game again]'' '''''YEAH! I did it!''''' ''[reads the ending screen]'' &quot;Contraturation. This story is happy end. Thank you. Being the wise and courageour knight that you are you feel strongth welling in your body. Return to starting point. Challenge again!&quot;?
:''[The Nerd is angrily speechless, and rage builds up inside him, and tries yelling &quot;Fuck!&quot;, but can't.]''
:'''The Nerd''':  Curse! Curse, Goddamn it! ''[grunts]'' I used up all my &quot;Fuck&quot; points during the last 107 episodes. ''[sighs]'' I don't have anything new. I gotta rely on the old tricks.
:''[The Nerd starts fighting the Ghosts 'N Goblins cartridge Final-Fantasy style]''
:'''The Nerd''': All right. Let's try the cluster F-Bombs. Fuck this fucking piece of shit fucking shit fucker game!
:''[Ghosts 'n Goblins attacks the Nerd]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[grunts]'' Uh, gotta go for the Precision F-Strike. ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, how this game lures you in with its appealing gameplay, and charming atmosphere, and then ''[angrily]'' '''BENDS YOU OVER AND ''FUCKS'' YOU TO HELL!!'''
:''[Ghosts 'n Goblins attacks with diarrhea blast]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[exclaims]'' All right, how about some Wordplay? Alliteration. Feast on some fried fuck-farts! Assonance. What's up, you dumb fuck-tuple mother-humpin' muppet-fucker's uncle?! Uh, Rhymes! Suck on this muck, you run amuck fucked-up, uh, mandarin duck.
:''[The Nerd misses and Ghosts 'n Goblins attacks with blizzard of balls]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[groans]'' Alright, when all else fails, it's time for the Atomic F-Bomb!
:''[The Nerd roars and the 8-bit word flies toward the screen]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[roars]'' '''''FUCK!!!!'''''
:''[Loud explosion kills Ghosts 'n Goblins]''

=== Atari Sports ===
:'''The Nerd''': Most of the video games I talk about are... action games, sidescrollers, games that are in the realms of fantasy. But, there's a huge, huge following for games based on sports. And I get a lot of requests for that, and I'm not really a big fan. Because, I don't know, I-I guess I like fantasy games more because it's something that you couldn't do in real life, whereas a sports game you ''could'' go outside and play sports. It's possible. Not for me, 'cause, I don't know anything about sports; I'm a fuckin' nerd.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Football; Don't even get me started. And I'm not talking about the kind of football where they actually ''use'' their foot. I mean the kind where they slam into each other, like a bunch of barbarians! ''[he pounds his fist into his hand as he grunts]'' What I don't understand is why everything is always &quot;bowl&quot;. What, like a toilet bowl? Okay, I know at least what the Super Bowl is. It's the most anticipated football game in the season. And with so much testosterone and high energy going around, why is the halftime show always some pussy pop group? '''''GET METALLICA IN THERE OR SOMETHING,''''' it doesn't make any sense!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Alright. Back to football video games. ''Madden, Madden, Madden.'' ''Madden '91! Madden '92, Madden '93, Madden '94, Madden '95, Madden '96, Madden '97, Madden '98, Madden '99, Madden 2000, Madden 2001, Madden 2002, Madden 2003--'' '''''Who the fuck is John Madden anyway?!''''' He doesn't even look like an athlete! What is it with football? Everywhere you go, football! Go there, football! Football, football, football. Like, what the fuck? Sunday Football, Monday Night Football, Thursday Night Football, Football on Thanksgiving, Football on Christmas, and out of all sports, it's the one everyone goes fuckin' ape-shit over! '''''Makes them act like fuckin' maniacs!''''' ''[screams and crushes Rolling Rock can with his head]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[sighs in relief]'' Man. I gotta calm down. All right. If I'm gonna play some sports games, I gotta start with the Atari 2600. Yeah! This is when sports games were fucking sports games. Look at these titles; Baseball, Basketball, Football, not this ''Madden'' shit.  Just plain-ass, normal, everyday, no question about it, no NFL, no year, not named after a player, not named after a coach, not named after the referee's pet goldfish, no quarterback, dime-back, [[w:Nickelback|Nickelback]], simple, ordinary, un-embellished, unmistakable, crystal clear, as frank as Frankenstein, as blunt as an atom '''''BOMB,''''' one compound word, ''it's motherfuckin', goddamn, sons-of-bitchin', fuck, fuck, fuckin' '''FOOTBALL!''''' ''[growls and slams the cartridge into Atari 2600]'' And it's one of the worst games I've ever played in my life. Are these football players, or are they stormtroopers? Are they wearing helmets, or are these microwaves on their heads? Is it Team White vs. Team Naked? Is that a crowd noise, or is it the sounds of the ocean? Is that the entire field? Yeah, it is. And it's surrounded by... water, it looks like. Yeah, it's like an island. It's Football Island. ''[chuckles]'' In other words, Hell. I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna make it... Yeah. yeah...! ''[scores a touchdown]'' '''''TOUCHDOWN!''''' ''[screams then tackles the camera]''

=== [[w:Ikari Warriors|Ikari Warriors]] ===
:'''AVGN''': Here's another game I've had a personal grudge with since I was a kid. ''[[w:Ikari Warriors|Ikari Warriors]]'' on NES. Let's pop this fucker in and I'll show you how it goes. Two guys, tugging at their crotches, march up to the title, fire their guns around at nothing, and then you pick one or two players. Well, I'm not getting anybody to play this shit with me. So, I'm going solo like usual.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': An average game of ''Ikari Warriors'' lasts about five minutes. But you're in luck, there's a code. A-B-B-A. It brings you back to life. ''[dies]'' Oop. I'm dead again. A-B-B-A. ''[dies again]'' ABBA. Get used to that, you're going to be doing that a lot. ''[dies a third time]'' A-B-B-A.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''' ''[commenting on the slow nature of the gameplay]'': It's not horrible, it's just tedious as fuck and with one player, this is gonna take all night. I need a second player.
:''[The Nerd looks over to the end of the couch, behind which is the skeleton of Kyle Justin, complete with his fedora and a guitar. He nods to the camera, then gets up and walks over to the skeleton.]''
:'''AVGN''': A-B-B-A.
:''[Kyle slowly comes back to his human life form. Once he does, he sees The Nerd and groans in disgust.]''
:'''Kyle Justin''': [groans] I guess somebody needs a favor.
:'''AVGN''': Yeah. I need your help, to beat a game.
:'''Kyle Justin''': Let me-- let me guess. A shitty game?
:'''AVGN''': Yeah, a shitty game. ''Ikari Warriors''.
:'''Kyle Justin''': Yeah, I know that game.
:'''AVGN''': Oh yeah?
:'''Kyle Justin''': Yeah, I know what you could do with that game too.
:'''AVGN''': Uh huh.
:'''Kyle Justin''': Yeah, yeah. You take the game, and you take your ass cheeks as well, and you just open them up really wide, and you grease up the game and just shove it up your ass! I'm not helping you. Besides, you never play my theme song anymore.
:'''AVGN''': Yeah, the theme song. And I thought people were getting tired of that.
:'''Kyle Justin''': You thought wrong.
:'''AVGN''': Yeah, ''[to camera]'' I know. Alright, so if we do the theme song, will you play the game with me?
:'''Kyle Justin''': Fine.
:'''AVGN''': Alright. Let's do this. Play the song. 
:''[Kyle cracks his knuckles.]''
:'''Kyle Justin''' ''(playing scales on his guitar and singing)'': Do-mi-so-mi-do...
:'''AVGN''': Play the song. ''[Kyle clears his throat]'' Play the fucking song! ''[Kyle moistens his lips while getting spittle on the Nerd, then sings the theme song as the Nerd pantomimes frustration]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Okay, ''Ikari Warriors''. You know what &quot;Ikari&quot; means?
:'''Kyle Justin''': What?
:'''AVGN''': Anger.
:'''Kyle Justin''': Do you know what &quot;Warrior&quot; means?
:'''AVGN''': &quot;Warrior&quot;? No.
:'''Kyle Justin''': Brave soldier or fighter?
:'''AVGN''': Brave soldier or fighter.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Kyle Justin''': So who is this guy? Rambo?
:'''AVGN''': Well, if that's Rambo, who's the other guy?
:'''Kyle Justin''': Arnold Schwarzenegger?
:'''AVGN''': Which movie?
:'''Kyle Justin''': ''[[w:Commando (film)|Commando]]''.
:'''AVGN''': That'd be a fucking awesome movie! John Matrix and John Rambo, together at last! Of course it'd be &quot;Rambo and Commando'&quot;. Say that three times fast.
:'''AVGN and Kyle Justin''': Rambo Commando Rambo Commando Rambo Commando!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''(Just after entering Level 2, The Nerd and Kyle come up to a point where Kyle's character has become stuck inside a rock.)''
:'''AVGN''': You're not stuck. Stop fooling around. Get outta there.
:'''Kyle Justin''': I'm trying!
:'''AVGN''':...you're really stuck. ''(Begins lobbing grenades toward the rock)''
:'''Kyle Justin''': Just kill me.
:'''AVGN''': I'm...I'm trying!
:'''Kyle Justin''': No, kill me for real.
:'''AVGN''': Wait, wait, just wait for one of these missiles to come. ''(The enemy missile hits the rock and obliterates Kyle's character.)'' Alright. We're back in business now. ''(The Nerd then sees what happens next and gets a look of shock on his face; Kyle's character still cannot move)'' Oh, shit, you respawned inside ''another'' rock!
:'''Kyle Justin''': I've had it with this fucking game! I'm gonna blow my fucking brains out! 
:''(He picks up a Zapper, puts it to his head, and pulls the trigger. He flashes on screen four times, then disappears.)''
:'''AVGN''': ''(turns to where Kyle was sitting)'' A-B-B-A!
:''(This time, Kyle comes back to life with part of his body stuck behind the couch.)''
:'''Kyle Justin''': Aw fuck!
:'''AVGN''': You're right. Having two players doesn't help much.
:'''Kyle Justin''': Get me outta this couch, you damn Nintendo dork!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Yeah, made it to Level 3. And ''finally'' it looks different! But the music's still the same. Anyway, it looks ''so'' different it's like you stepped out of the jungle and into ''[[w:The Twilight Zone (franchise)|The Twilight Zone]]''. Look at all the white chocolate bars and scrotum guns.
:'''Kyle Justin''': ''[singing]'' White chocolate bars and scrotum guns. ''[stops singing]'' Wait, I don't remember the episode with the scrotum guns, but [[w:Nightmare at 20,000 Feet|the one with the gremlin on the wing]] was pretty good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Kyle Justin''': ''[singing]'' It's the game of life.&lt;br&gt;A, B, B, A.&lt;br&gt;It will bring you back today if you want it to.
:''[The Nerd has died again and is frantically trying to punch the code in.]''
:'''AVGN''': A-B-B-A! A-B-B-A! Fuck!
:'''Kyle Justin''': ''[singing]'' It will save you today...
:'''AVGN''': It didn't save me now!
:'''Kyle Justin''': ''[singing]'' and bring you back to life...
:'''AVGN''': Apparently near the end of Level 3, A-B-B-A stops working.
:'''Kyle Justin''': ...didn't save him today...
:'''AVGN''': Okay, so here's what we're gonna do. First, we're gonna use Game Genie to get infinite lives. ''[puts the NES Game Genie with the cartridge attached into the Nintoaster]'' Then we're gonna use a stage select code; that way we can go back to Level 3 and continue our fucking game. You can find the code in the classic book ''[[w:Jeff Rovin|How to Win at Nintendo]]''. Nowcheck out this code: &quot;right before the title screen, press: up, down, A, A, B, left, right, A ,B, up, A, down, right, right, left, B, up, left, A, right, B, left, right, A, left, up, A, down, A, right, left, B, select.&quot; ''[pauses incredulously]'' '''WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!?! Why's the code have to be so fucking long?''' And according to this you have to punch in the code before the titlescreen comes up!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': (after he tries to enter the code) So, I'm faster than greased lightning now. I can pull off the whole code before the title screen comes up, but turns out the book was wrong. To ''really'' find how to do the code you check out the VHS tape, &quot;Secret Video Game Tricks, Codes, and Strategies&quot;. Yeah, I used to rent this fucker from the video store all the time. But anyway, the real way to do the code is ''during'' the title screen, not ''before'' it. Let's try again. (enters the code during the title screen)
:'''Kyle Justin''':  ''(singing)'' Up, down, A, A, B, left, right, A, B, up, A, down, right, right, left, B, up, left, A, right, B, left, right, A, left, up, A, down, A, right, left, B and start.
:'''AVGN''': So here we are, back in level 3.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Anyway, the last stage is as hard as fuck. I hate these guys that swim under water. You cant shoot them when they're submerged, and they're too fast to outrun. What are these, human beings or fucking torpedoes?
:'''Kyle Justin''': ''(singing)'' Throw milk at them, just try it, might work.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Now let's see how bad this ending sucks.
:'''Kyle Justin''': ''[singing to the tune of the AVGN theme song]''
:'''You have accomplished'''
:'''the mission.'''
:'''You are the very prevailer'''
:'''that protect right'''
:'''and justice.'''
:'''I would express my sincere.'''
:'''Thanks to you.'''
:'''Take good rest!'''
:'''General Kawasaki'''
:'''AVGN''': Get back behind the couch.
:'''Kyle Justin''': ''[still singing]'' He's the Angry Video Game Nerd.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''Kyle Justin's &quot;Scrotum Guns&quot; song, version 1''
:'''We might be past the scrotum guns&lt;br&gt;But I haven't forgot them&lt;br&gt;'Cause they are so hairless&lt;br&gt;Where did their hair go?&lt;br&gt;Ooh, where did their hair go?&lt;br&gt;Where did their hair gooo?&lt;br&gt;Where did their hair go?'''

=== [[w:Toxic Crusaders (video game)|Toxic Crusaders]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Why's there always gotta be bats?!
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': Bats, th-these aren't bats, Nerd, these are cats with wings! When-when I was a teenager at Tijuana, I-I had some pussy with wings. ''[AVGN smiles and snickers before covering his face with his hands]'' And-and-and th-that's what it's all about, man! ''[AVGN laughs offscreen]''
:'''AVGN''': Yeah. How do you like this? World 2-4, World 2-5, and we're still going. And it's a portable console! You can beat Super Mario Land at a time--
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': ''[Interrupts the Nerd]'' Wh-What are you talking about?! You want something to, uh, take a long time to beat?! Would take me a long time to beat off to Justin Beiber, man! And uh...
:'''AVGN''': ''[nods in agreement]'' Takes a long time.
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': Long! My penis is pretty damn long right now! ''[AVGN snickers offscreen]'' And I'm... I'm not even flaccid.
:'''AVGN''': Look at all the &quot;Z&quot;s on the fence. That's exactly how I feel when I play this game. ''[Lloyd Kaufman yawns as he falls asleep with the controller in his mouth]'' ...Like going to sleep. ''[AVGN glances at him and nods]'' Alright, alright, okay, okay, okay, okay!
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': ''[suddenly wakes up and hallucinates]'' Ah, where am I?! ''[whimpers as he twiddles with the SNES controller]''
:'''AVGN''': Alright.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Well, as you can see, you can tell it's another beat 'em up game. So what do you think of that chopper? Why's it have so many colors?
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': Well, uh, the chopper is made out of a tie, man. And it's tie dye. That's why it is those many colors. ''[AVGN shakes his head before he and Lloyd Kaufman struggle over the controller]'' Give me that! Give me that! I want that!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': What 'bout the music? Couldn't they have something more upbeat and action-packed? ''[volume of background music from Toxic Crusaders for Sega Gensis increases]''
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': I love it. I love it. I...It makes me want to strip, Nerd. ''[actually removes his coat along the music while AVGN quickly glances and shakes his head]'' I wanna take my clothes off.
:'''AVGN''': Okay, okay, okay!
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': Ah, I love this music.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&gt;
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': ''[having such difficulty playing]'' Fuck! Jumpin' Jesus on a... fuckin' pogo stick! Fuck! Dick! Quack! Weewee! Doodle! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuhh!
:'''AVGN''': And that's what happens when we go from the movie, to the show, to the game - it's like putting a golden egg on a mountain of shit, and then you roll it down and it gets shittier and shittier and shittier. By the time it gets to the bottom, it ain't the same. ''(to Lloyd)'' And look; that's your name on it! That's your name on this game!
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': I spit on my name! ''[makes spitting noises]''
:'''AVGN''': What you created that's great got transformed into a mutated anomaly that'd make the Pope weep. They made a mockery of your shit, man! What're you gonna do about it?!
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': What am I gonna do about it, what am I gonna do about it?! I'm gonna shit on this, I'm gonna take a huge dump, here I go, and I had baked beans for dinner! (removes the cartridge from the Nintoaster, and puts it on the floor) You want shit, you shitty fuckin' game?! Well, here it comes, here it comes! ''(drops his pants and lets loose shit as the Nerd watches in horror)'' You shitty shit game, how'd ya like that?!
:'''AVGN''': UGH, IT'S NASTY, OH, GOD, OH! ''[his stomach rumbles and he pukes on the pile of shit as Lloyd laughs insanely]''
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': Ah. That'll teach you, you fuckin' game.

=== [[w:Bill &amp; Ted's Excellent Video Game Adventure|Bill &amp; Ted's Excellent Video Game Adventure]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': What happens when you take an 80s comedy film like ''[[w:Bill &amp; Ted's Excellent Adventure|Bill &amp; Ted's Excellent Adventure]],'' and turn it into an NES game? Two guys are struggling to pass their history course, so they go back in time in a phone booth to get the aid of famous historical figures. It's dumb, but it's great entertainment, and a video game adaptation seemed like a good idea. It had fun characters, time travel, and adventure. So how could you fuck it up? You wanna know? ''[Metal rock music plays as the Nerd reveals the LJN logo.]'' ''That's'' how.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Who are these &quot;time rebels,&quot; and why do they want to do this? Well, guess what. They're never referred to again. Yeah, they're just for your imagination. ''[a thought bubble with the time rebels appear]''
:'''Blue-Haired Rebel''': Man, wouldn't it be funny if we put Thomas Edison in Ancient Egypt? ''[chuckles]''
:'''Green-Haired Rebel''': How about Galileo in the Jurassic period? ''[they both chuckle]'' We're assholes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So where is Rembrandt? You can explore this whole land, but you won't find him anywhere. That's because you need to lure him out, with bait. What is he, a fucking fish? The bait can be any random object. There's four of them hidden on each stage; one of them will make Rembrandt appear in one of the random houses. How do you find this bait? You wanna know? Guess what? By jumping into things! ''[the Nerd jumps into a tree, and falls]'' This game treats you like an idiot. Like, &quot;Hey kids, you wanna play a Bill &amp; Ted game? Well, here you go! Go jumping around into fucking bushes and fences! That'll keep you busy! Have fun!&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Fuck the townspeople, fuck not knowing where to go, I'm gonna get the power. Nintendo Power! ''[searches for a Nintendo Power magazine as he jumps and falls]'' Wasn't there. ''[jumps and falls again then finds a Nintendo Power magazine]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': The correct item is supposed to be something that would belong to this historical figure, and here is where the game could've been somewhat educational. But instead, it's a joke. For example, for Julius Caesar, you're supposed to give him salad dressing. ''[fake laugh]'' For Thomas Edison, you're supposed to give him a compact disc. Yeah. Let's not change history, by the way. For Cleopatra, a credit card. For Elvis, a gravestone. Here you go, Elvis! Here's your fucking gravestone! You're gonna die! For King Arthur, the Holy Grail. Yeah. Entire stories have been written about finding the Holy Grail; you're going to find it by casually slamming into a bush or fence. Just a little side quest. For Jesse James, an Uzi. You're going to give Jesse James a fucking Uzi? You're going to give a notorious outlaw a more contemporary weapon! Yeah, just help him out! Might as well give, I don't know, Vlad Tepes an atom bomb? Anyway, I give Rembrandt the Paint Roller, and he says, &quot;Let's party.&quot; That's exactly what he'd say. He also mentions that he'll pay for the call. &quot;Of course, here's some coins for your phone booth time machine from the future.&quot; And now, we have to go through the damn time circuits again. ''[a phone booth time machine runs into a pink skull, and The Nerd runs out of coins]'' My coins ran out. Didn't that motherfucker say he was gonna pay? ''[stage restarts]'' Aw, great! I have to roam around this fucking stage again, looking for coins? I've had enough.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': I'm losing my faith in the NES library. Was there ''any quality control here,'' you know, that-that, um, seal of quality, did that mean ''anything?!'' Did anyone look at these games before they dumped them in the back of every KB's and Toys &quot;Я&quot; Us?! How many of these games are worthless?! '''''All the LJN ones, I can tell you that,''''' but there ''are'' good games here, ''there are!'' ''Zelda,'' ''Mario,'' ''Metroid,'' ''Contra,'' ''Castlevania,'' ''Mega Man,'' '''''but then, A BIG FUCKIN' SHITSTORM HIT IT! A SHITSTORM OF HORRIBLE GAMES! And at the middle of it all, a rainbow! A rainbow of shit! LJN! And Bill and Ted...might even be...THE WORST LJN GAME ON THE NES!''''' It doesn't just have some &quot;flaws,&quot; there's no good and bad. This game is ''all bad.'' Like, I'm impressed! How did they do it? How did they make it so bad? Bad doesn't even describe it! It's disgraceful! It's ''putrid!'' In fact, I even looked up the word &quot;putrid&quot; in the dictionary. There's no definition. '''It's just a picture of ''Bill and Ted'' on NES!''' Curse this fucking game! Curse the plastic that encases this dung heap! Literally, it's a plastic shell '''''filled with shit! IT'S FUCKIN' SHIT!''''' ''It's... it's ass, it's garbage...'' And that's it, good night.
:''[walks off screen for 2 seconds, before coming back]''
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, wait, I forgot to mention as a matter of fact, it also sucks monkey fuck, and it's a worthless pitiful pile of ''snot-dripping, pus-bubbling, '''wet, steaming mountain of buffalo butt dump,''''' and mere descriptions can't even describe the '''''inane lack of common sense''''' that even a ''child'' would possess when making a game with chalk on a sidewalk. I can't even come up with a description that's foul and '''''disgusting''''' enough to even come ''close'' to this rancid abomination. Can't describe it. I'm done; For real this time.
:''[walks offscreen for 7 seconds, and returns]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[yells]'' '''''THIS GAME IS DIARRHEA COMING OUT OF AN OLD WOMAN'S BLEEDING VAGINA! IT'S FUCKIN' TERRIBLE! WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!''''' ''[angrily]'' I know; They ''weren't'' thinking.

=== [[w:Tiger Electronics|Tiger Electronic Games]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': Tiger, on the other hand, continued well into the 90s. In fact, I remember these things being more common in the 90s than ever. They kept pouring obsolete games into stores, and we were still buying them. They wouldn't die off! They were like cockroaches! By giving people a cheap alternative, they managed to coexist with the Game Boy. Yeah, this Tiger definitely rose up to the challenge of its rival, had the guts, got the glory, went the distance, now it's not going to stop! It's literally a Survivor!

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:'''The Nerd''': Tiger games were so outdated they were never ''in''-dated! They were a fad, like Pogs! If they were an experiment in the 70's and they only made a few of them, then I could accept that. But no, they milked these things for all that they're worth! You thought LJN was the grand champion, the almighty shitty game factory? Tiger put LJN to shame! Sure, LJN laid down turd after turd after turd, but Tiger was like a machine gun ass shitting out turdturdturdturdturdturdturdturdturdturdturd! These are the worst games I've had the honor of playing, if you can even count them as video games! People have discussions like &quot;Are video games art?&quot; or something like that. Well, I have a better one: are Tiger games video games? These are a caveman's version of video games! These were a step back in human evolution! These are the most desperate attempt at entertainment! You could save up for a Game Boy, or just go ''[mimics playing a game with the sound effects]''. Yeah, well ''[mimics game sounds to motions of jerking off and flipping the bird]''! Just what the hell? How did they waste so much plastic to make these things?! It brought the game industry down as low as it could go! It's proof that Jesus died in vain and legally changed his middle name to Fucking! The only thing I could think of to use these things for is to wipe your ass with it! You might as well save that toilet paper! It's worth a whole lot more! ''[he drinks Rolling Rock]'' But I'm not done, am I? Oh, no. I've actually gotten into this point. It's time to talk about the wrist games. ''[he holds up a Tiger wrist game and groans disgustedly]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Now check this out: Batman Returns, the wrist game. Oh, boy... (The Nerd tries to open it) Wait, I can't get it open. Good. God, I hate this shit! You know... You know what's bullshit?
:''[The Bullshit Man appears as &quot;You Know What's Bullshit&quot; theme song plays and the Nerd looks in shock]''
:'''The Bullshit Man:''' '''YOU KNOW WHAT'S''' '''''BUUUUUUUUULLSHIT?!''''' ''[gives the Nerd a pair of scissors]'' Packaging that you need scissors to open! Even with the scissors, it's still a pain in the ass. Why's this plastic so fucking strong? This stuff is bulletproof. Nobody wants this shit, so why do they do it? They use it on everything! This kind of packaging should be outlawed! Why does it still exist? I especially &quot;love&quot; when you buy scissors and you need scissors to open the scissors. What fucking idiots think this is a good idea? They don't care. By the time you're having this problem, you already bought it. Packaging like this is bullshit. ''[leaves]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Thanks, Bullshit Man. ''[looks at the Tiger wrist game and sighs]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing the Batman Returns wrist game]'' Wow, look at how badass this game is. Yeah, this is the hot shit right here. You'd be so cool going around wearing this thing. Yeah, you'd be walking around school with this thing on, and everybody else is talking about what the new hot video game system is going to be. ''[scoffs]'' Nintendo 64? The Bit Wars? ''[chuckles]'' 64 bits. 32 bits. 16 bits. 8 bits. 4 bits! 2 bits! 1 BIT! HALF-BIT! QUARTER-BIT! ''[shouts hysterically]'' '''THE WRIST GAME!!!''' And you thought that was it for Tiger, huh? Handheld games, wrist games, Tiger ''(computerized voice)'' Pokémon Walkie Talkies?! Yeah! That's not enough? Well, how about '''a whole fucking Tiger game console?!''' In 1997, this was Tiger's belated answer to the Game Boy. You'd think it was called the Game-Dot-Com, but it's actually the Game.com.
:'''Game.com bootup voice''': GAME.COM ACTIVE.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': So, that's the Game.com. Needless to say, it flopped, especially with Nintendo dominating the portable gaming market. So, hey, why not just follow whatever Nintendo's doing? That mentality is what brought us what I think, so far, is the worst video game console I have ever played: the R-Zone. This is basically a shitty version of the Virtual Boy. Yes, I said that, as if the Virtual Boy wasn't shitty enough. Just look at it! What planet did this thing come from?

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:'''AVGN''': Just when you thought the most sorry, pathetic excuse for a video game was the Tiger wrist games, oh no. ''[points to wrist game]'' Imagine playing one of these, up close to your eye in red-and-black. ''[shot of the gameplay from the R-Zone's ''[[w:Batman Forever|Batman Forever]]'' game]'' '''GOOD LORD!''' You thought I was kidding. But it's true. This actually happened. Unlike the Virtual Boy, which causes eyestrain and headaches within minutes, this thing does it immediately!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I love how the advertisements always show a kid playing it. Look at his expression. He's horrified, and in the commercial, the kid's screaming in agony!
:'''Rodger Parsons (Pokémon Narrator):''' You better not blink.
:'''Kid''': ''[screams]''
:'''Rodger Parsons (Pokémon Narrator):''' Indy 500 roars into the R-Zone!

=== [[w:Alien 3|Alien 3]] ===

:'''AVGN''': It's the Halloween season again, and I can't miss the occasion to celebrate by torturing myself with another assanine game! Alien³ on NES, based on the movie. The first movie, Alien, was like a slasher film set in outer space; the second movie, Aliens, brought the action genre into the mix and gave it a wider mass appeal. It made a huge impact on not only film, but video games. The concept of shooting down hostile aliens, fighting for survival, was perfect for video game adaptations. It's no wonder why so many games like Contra and Metroid were influenced by the Alien movies' art style and their feelings of solitude, confinement and claustrophobia. Can you even count how many games blatantly ripped these movies off? The first two Alien movies were masterpieces, but the one we got on NES was the bastard sequel, the unholy 3 that had mixed reactions: some people like it, some people don't. It's not a terrible movie, but it's not great either. But, you know, I'm not gonna get all into right now. Monster Madness. So let's take a look at the game. Is this good enough for Halloween? I mean Alien³ is a horror movie. Is this scary enough? (He notices the LJN logo on the cartridge. The lights dim to a flickering red as the film's signature Nostromo self-destruct sirens blare.) Okay, now it just got fuckin' scary!

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:'''AVGN''': Quality ass? QUALITY ASS? That sums up the whole thing. There is no quality assurance with this shitload of fuck. This game is as much fun as a witch's cunt. It's a shame that there was never a good Alien game on NES. Oh, wait. Actually, I take it back. There were some good Alien games on NES. They're called Contra and Metroid! Yeah. You know, it's not the worst LJN game, I have to say, nor is it even that bad of an NES game. It's playable, as much as the movie is watchable. Huh. Maybe that's what they were going for. In that sense, they got it right. It may not be a pile of goat puke-smothered buffalo diarrhea, it's just a pile of goat puke; hold the buffalo diarrhea. I don't even know if buffaloes get diarrhea. But it pains me to know that there's still more LJN games out there, and I just can't take it. I can't fuckin' take it anymore! (He leaves. Cut to the ending scene where he jumps off the platform and falls into the lava pits below. He cries out in agony as the Cinemassacre logo bursts through his chest.)

=== AVGN Games ===
:'''The Nerd:''' You know, there's been many games based on the ''Angry Video Game Nerd.'' Which is me. Yeah. All these years, while I've been busy playing shitty games, people have been making games about myself. There's been so many games about me, I can't even keep up. Unlike the majority of games I've ripped apart, these ones were made by independent game developers, usually single-handedly, all by themselves, and hopefully they will have growing careers and aspire to make better games than a whole company of Laughin' Jokin' Numbnuts ever could. ''[referring to LJN.]'' Another thing that makes these games different from the games I usually play, is that I have to play them on a computer. ''[The Nerd looks at the Commodore 64.]'' Hmm. ''[shrugs his shoulders.]'' Well, anyway, the first AVGN game I'm gonna look at is: ''The Angry Video Game'' by Eric Ruth. This was the first AVGN game that ever came to my attention back in 2008. You might be wondering: what took me so long to get around to it? Well, the answer is simple: That's how long it took to load it on my Commodore 64!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''8-Bit Nerd:''' ''[a tombstone appears where the 8-Bit Nerd died, with only the word '''&quot;FUCK&quot;''' on it.]'' I'm dead! Fuck!
:'''The Nerd:''' Is that going to be my epitaph? ''[camera zooms in on tombstone]'' '''''&quot;FUCK&quot;?''''' 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' The weapon is the worst thing of all. The beers fly in an arc, so, you have to get in the right spot to calculate the trajectory, and everything blocks your aim. Fuck, fuck! I can't hit this fuckin' fish! '''''Fuck! Dah!''''' These beers are like the rock in ''Friday the 13th,'' and I already told you how bad that is. ''[his eyes widen in horror, as he looks at the screen]'' Oh, no. Is that why the game was designed this way? All the random enemies and all those things, it's because those are the kind of things I complained about. '''''This game is all my fault.''''' ''[groans in disgust]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' It takes a lot of extra effort to put a game on a real cartridge, so how could you resist ''AVGN vs. Dr. Wily'' by ABOhiccups? 
:''[the screen scrolls up along a skyscraper, exactly the same as in Mega Man 2's opening.]''
:'''The Nerd''': It's gonna be me, isn't it? It's gonna be me. ''[a sprite of The Nerd is on the top of the skyscraper, instead of Mega Man.]'' Yeah, that's me!
:'''The Nerd''': So basically, it's ''Mega Man 2,'' but instead of Mega Man, it's me. I'm in ''Mega Man 2,'' one of the best games ever made, and I'm ''in'' it! If I could've foreseen that as a kid, I would have shit my pants. The other difference is that the levels are redesigned to be way harder than the original game.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': After the tutorial, you get a selection of stages. Clearly, it's the largest AVGN game yet. I'm using an Xbox controller, and the controls feel 100% fluent. There is no doubt about it: this is a legitimate sidescroller; proving that the genre is still alive and strong. We don't even need to go back to the past, we're still in the past. And why is the music so ''fuckin' awesome?''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': The death screen always generates a random quote, saves me the work of trying to come up with something. Let's try ''Dungeons &amp; Dickholes.'' ''[in-game Nerd descends a ladder, and the next screen scrolls down to reveal an impossible death trap, shocking The Nerd]'' '''''Now''''' this is going too far. When I came up with this idea during my Super Pitfall episode, I didn't know somebody would actually create this exaggerated death trap. I can't even blame anyone but myself. ''I'' came up with this! What was I ''thinking?!''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': And at the heart of it all, the final boss, my arch-nemesis. It's, '''''it's'''''...Fred Fuchs. ''[spelled &quot;Fred Fucks&quot; in-game.]'' It's the programmer, motherfucking Fred Fuchs. Finally, I get to kick his ass! Yeah, fuck you, Fred Fuchs! ''[growls]'' '''''FUCKS YOU, FRED FUCH!''''' ''[screams, and beats Fred Fuchs as he grunts]'' Got 'im! ''[in-game Nerd's text says, &quot;Oh shit, Game Land is falling apart!!&quot;]''
:'''The Nerd''': Whew! I feel like I played every bad game I ever played, all at once. And now others are playing it, because of me! It's like I shared all my horrible experiences. It's all my fault! '''''FUCK THIS GAME!'''''
:''[he Nerd imagines the many ways he's destroyed previous game cartridges. He moves in to strangle the Commodore 64, but stops once he realizes he can't destroy the game like that. Instead, the Nerd types a delete command and deletes the game once and for all, with a heavy, satisfying mash of the Enter key as the Commodore's screen reads: '''*FILE DELETED*.''']''
:'''The Nerd''': Take '''''that,''''' game.

=== AVGN Wish List (Part 1) ===

:'''AVGN''': ''(on Where's Waldo)'' It's as if the pages of the book have been chewed up, digested, and shat out an 8-bit ass! How can you find Waldo in ''this?!'' WHERE THE FUCK ''IS'' WALDO?! ''He'' doesn't even know where he is!

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:'''AVGN''': ''(after he plays the NES version of Where's Waldo)'' Imagine buying this piece of shit for 50 bucks. Nowadays, releasing a game this short would never be excusable. Well, anyway, we have a lot more games to get through, so stay tuned for Part 2. I'm gonna go get the games. ''[he walks around in different directions like Waldo in the cutscenes]''

=== AVGN Wish List (Part 2) ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''The Three Stooges.'' This has always been a huge request. I've dreaded this moment for a long time. ''[powers on the game, which displays the title screen for Ghostbusters II]'' What? ''Ghostbusters II?''
:''[The Three Stooges walk onto the title screen, and stop in front of the Ghostbusters logo]''
:'''Curly''': Hey, fellas. We're in the wrong game.
:'''Larry''': Hey, this looks like a kid's game.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[smiling]'' Now, ''that's'' funny.
:'''Moe''': You imbeciles!
:'''The Nerd''': I've always been a big fan of ''The Three Stooges,'' but the game's charm ends right after the title screen.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': [reviews ''[[w:Home Improvement: Power Tool Pursuit!|Home Improvement]]''] How do you take a family sitcom and turn it into a video game? Well, the plot starts out with Tim &quot;The Toolman&quot; Taylor on the set of his show, Tool Time. Remember the show within the show? So, his tools go missing, and he has to go onto the sets of other shows to find them.
:'''The Nerd''': I'd give this game a better chance if I could read the instructions. The instructions might help, right? Yeah, guess what, there is none. Technically not. The manual opens up to a fake sticker printed over the pages that says &quot;'''REAL MEN DON'T NEED INSTRUCTIONS'''&quot;! Very funny.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing [[w:Pit-Fighter|Pit Fighter]] on SNES]'' As a kid, I never made it past the second guy. Even as a rental, it only made for about fifteen minutes of play-ability, if that, before ya turn it off and take it back to the video store. And I know it ''has'' to give you your health back at some point, but I've just made it to the fourth opponent, and still, they don't give you any health back. ''This is the worst Super NES game I've ever played!'' Worse than [[w:Super 3D Noah's Ark|Super Noah's Ark 3D]], worse than [[w:Shaq-Fu|Shaq-Fu]], worse than [[w:The Wizard of Oz (1993 video game)|Wizard of Oz]], worse than [[w:Lester the Unlikely|Lester the Unlikely]]! I am dead fucking serious! Even B-mode [[w:Double Dragon|Double Dragon]] was better than this, and that was on NES. Sure, it gets monotonous, and awkward at times, and you can only play as the same characters fighting themselves, but, it has much more fluid control and is ''way'' more fun than Pit Fighter.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[after he plays [[w:Bubsy 3D|Bubsy 3D: Furbitten Planet]] for the PlayStation]'' Most of the games I own are junk. I'm hoarding junk! '''''I SURROUNDED MYSELF WITH FUCKING GARBAGE!''''' ''[sighs]'' All right, one more game, and then it's Happy Holidays and good fucking night. Let's end with ''[[w:Spider-Man and Venom: Maximum Carnage|Spider-Man: Maximum Carnage]],'' on Super Nintendo. Everyone says I should play this one, as if I haven't already played ''enough'' Spider-Man games. They're all '''''terrible!''''' But, maybe this one's okay. After all, I'm not sure how I missed it, because it's one of the only Super NES games that's red. Anyway, let's give it a try.
:'''The Nerd''': Well, the comic book cutscenes are, quite nice. The gameplay? Well, it's a beat-em-up game. Monotonous, but fun. The controls are responsive, and the hit detection works fine. The sound effects are good, the punches and grunts you hear all lend themselves to the fun, stress-relieving nature of these kind of games. It just feels good when you hit things. You can climb up on buildings, which offers some variety and breaks up the monotony. It can be a little frustrating, but not too bad. And the music is upbeat and energizing.
:'''The Nerd''': And what do I hear? ''[&quot;The Mob Rules&quot; by Black Sabbath plays]'' It's ''The Mob Rules,'' by Black Sabbath! I don't mean it just sounds similar, it's the '''''same song,''''' just a 16-bit rendition. It even does the solo! ''[16-bit rendition of Black Sabbath's &quot;The Mob Rules&quot; solo playing]'' I think it was just a rip-off, and that they never got Black Sabbath's permission, but it's still welcome to hear and adds to this games' enjoy-ability.
:'''The Nerd''': That's right. I found a good Spider-Man game. Better late than never. It's no masterpiece or anything like that, but it would have definitely been worth a rental at the very least. Who made this game?
:''[The Nerd turns over the box, revealing that is was published by...'''LJN!''' The Nerd's eyes widen in shock, and he drops the box in happiness realizing that LJN pulled through and published a decent game for once!]''
:''[&quot;White Storm Dam&quot; plays]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[in shock and happiness]'' My God. Oh, my God. '''''THEY DID IT... THEY PULLED THROUGH!'' OH, MY ''GOD!'' THEY MADE A GAME... ''THAT'S NOT A STEAMING PILE OF FUCKIN' SHIT!'' OH, MY ''GOD!'' THEY DID IT! THEY MADE A GAME THAT'S NOT SHIT!''' I found a gold, at the end of the rainbow-- Oh, maybe it's not gold, maybe it's bronze or somethin', but... '''''THEY MADE A GAME THAT'S NOT SHIT! IT'S NOOOT SHIIIIIT!'''''

== Season Eight ==
=== [[w:Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing|Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing]] ===
:'''AVGN''': This time, we're not gonna go too far back into the past. Only to 2003 with a PC game called ''[[w:Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing|Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing]]''. I usually stick to consoles, and I ''don't'' usually do games from the current millennium, but this is a huge request. I've been told countless times that it's one of the worst, if not ''the worst game'' ever made, but I'm sure that's an exaggeration. It just looks like a generic mediocre racing game with trucks. And it's from the new millennium, well after the pioneering days of gaming, after the ETs and Jekyll and Hydes, after the advent of quality control, so how bad could it be? Let's find out. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''[upon first experiencing the games lack of collision detection and physics]'' Soooo...what are the complaints here? This is ''awesome!''
:'''AVGN:''' &quot;Big Rigs: Over The Road Racing&quot;. &quot;Over the road&quot; is right! It's my way or the highway, and the highway ain't got shit. Oh my god...

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I'm not trying to find glitches! It just so happens that the ''whole game'' is a glitch! Look at this picture here; the hill turned into nothing, the tail lights are flying off the truck and this bridge is hovering over thin air! The support beams are ''so'' close to touching the ground, but don't. ''(His truck is pushed up through a bridge and he sees his opponent standing still)'' The fuck was that? Oh, by the way, that's the computer opponent who's still at the start line. Never moved. I'm literally running circles around him. Y'know, I kinda forgot I was in a race here. That ''is'' the purpose of the game. It doesn't matter which stage you're playing. The opponent always stalls at the start line and never moves an inch. You can spend the whole time driving through buildings, over mountains, and under bridges, and still win the race. What kind of challenge is that? Have you ever heard of a video game where you can't lose? How did the programmers ''forget to make the trucks move?'' Let's see if I can merge the trucks into one. (He tries to line his truck up with the opponent) Here we go. Eh, eh... ''(He succeeds)'' Yeah! That's some fine work. ''(He drives off and makes a whoosh sound)'' 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': This is the most unstable game I've ever played in my life. And would you believe, that the copy I own is ''a more recent'' version of the game? Yeah. The version that most people have played is commonly found on the internet, and is even ''less'' functional! In this version, one of the stages doesn't even work. If you try to pick this stage, it crashes the whole game. Not that it's any loss. It looks the same as any other stage. The truck you're racing against doesn't do anything different. It still sits there, waits for you to lap it and cross the finish line. Here we go. ''(He crosses the finish line, and the game text reads: &quot;YOU'RE WINNER!&quot; He looks at it in shock and snorts, and begins snickering.)'' Oh, no. No. ''(laughing uneasily)'' Oh, no! No! ''(continues laughing)'' &quot;You're Winner&quot; is the kind of stuff that turns horrible games into legend. It's the cherry on top the diarrhea shake. It's already been a popular internet meme for many years, but in the packaged version of the game that I own, it's been corrected to &quot;You win.&quot; Disappointing, I know.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': But there's at least one other version of this game, a newer one - version 3 as far as my knowledge goes - but anyway this one has a major advancement. ''Really'' big. Check this out; the other truck moves. Wow. No fuck. It's like we're actually having a race here. I'm gonna let him win just to see what happens. I hope it says &quot;You're a lose&quot; or something like that. Here we go. ''[Crosses the finish line, &quot;You win&quot; screen pops up. The Nerd looks in confusion]'' What happened?! How did I win?! Apparently, the other truck driver just decided to stop a little short. In other words; you can't lose! Why did they bother to release a new version if they didn't even fix the most basic thing?! But hey, the truck moves! So maybe this improvement pushes the game into the... pre-alpha stage. At best!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': These monumental blunders distract from all the regular flaws which would already be enough to fill any shitty game; most of the stages look similar, there's little variety, there are no sound effects other than the engine of the truck, the tail lights are fixated on the back of the trailer doors and they look like someone made them in Photoshop with a basic brush tool! Want me to prove it? ''[Creates tail lights exactly like the ones in Big Rigs in Photoshop]'' There you go. The street is always breaking up like the Glitch Gremlin paved over it, certain light posts are given strange colours that stick out from the rest of the game, the [[w:Arc de Triomphe|Arc de Triomphe]] appears twice in a row in a geographically inaccurate area, the trucks are referred to as &quot;cars&quot;, the &quot;Ultranav&quot; points you get from crossing checkpoints don't always go in order - what the fuck is &quot;Ultranav&quot; anyway? The timer goes outside the box and on top of all that the box that the game comes in is a '''complete lie'''! Never do the police chase after you. Maybe if that was just the front artwork, that would be excusable, but the back says, &quot;You'll be hauling loads and trying to stay one step ahead of the law.&quot; &quot;Deliver your load to its destination.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': What are they talking about? That never happens! Oh, no, no, I stand corrected. This game &quot;delivers a load&quot; all right - '''load of fucking shit'''! I'll deliver a load '''all over this fucking game'''! It's not even a game. It doesn't count as a game. If it were a game, you could lose. But you can't! It's nothing but win! &quot;You're winner!&quot; It's like the game feels sorry for you! [He drinks Rolling Rock]

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': This is not even ''close'' to a finished game - if you can call it a game. It's the '''worst game ever made'''! And I've played a lot, what is this, episode 118? So that is a big statement, but I'm '''DEAD FUCKING SERIOUS'''. It isn't as frustrating as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, no no, it's not as bad of an experience as that, but in terms of functionality, this is an all time low.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': You can't release something that's not finished! Who looked at this? I mean, who looked at THIS and thought, &quot;Yeah, that's OK. Put that out.&quot;? There's credits, which suggest that actual human beings were behind this. More than one. What were they thinking? Why would anyone want their name on this thing, and did any single one of them look at this and think &quot;Maybe there's still some work left to do?&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': By the year 2003, wouldn't there have been some kind of quality control? Even the worst games from the 70's had some playability. I would have assumed that Big Rigs was just some test game. Some kind of demo that a college student made, not an actual game that got sold in stores. It-it couldn't have been sold in stores. But, apparently, it did. This is the box. It came in a box! And it was rated by the ESRB! Someone from the ESRB looked at this game and gave it a rating! I know it's not their job to judge the quality of the game, but somebody looked at this and thought &quot;Wow. This is '''shit'''. But, E.&quot; Imagine buying this game, thinking it's gonna be a cool racing game, then you bring it home and play it and you get this. It's like a cruel prank. They should've recalled this game and gave out refunds. Imagine advertising this sort of thing. Imagine putting a commercial on TV for this shitload of fuck. I wonder what it would've been like. Hmm. (He imagines a TV commercial for &quot;Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing.&quot;)

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Mock advertisement, featuring gameplay footage, over the top production and a heavily tattooed James Rolfe wearing sunglasses, acting as a trucker]''
:'''Trucker''': Hey, kids! Strap yourself in for some action packed racing!
:'''Voice over''': It's Big Rigs!
:'''Trucker''': Eighteen wheels of thunder, and we've got '''trucks'''! Yeah... trucks!
:'''Voice over''': Big Rigs!
:'''Trucker''': Off-road traction! More power for non-stop driving action!
:'''Voice over''': Big Rigs!
:'''Trucker''': Over the Road Racing! Under the road, over the road, who knows?
:'''Voice over''': Big Rigs!
:'''Trucker''': Never lose a race again, You're always winner!
:'''Voice over''': With '''Big Rigs'''!
:'''Trucker''': Engines equipped with quantum phasing molecular mechanics to pass through solid objects so as to not interrupt the racing experience! '''Nothing''' stands in your way!
:'''Voice over''': When you're '''Big Rigs'''!
:'''Trucker''': Rear spinning tires with warp-drive velocity for interdimensional exploring! Leave the game behind and exceed the boundaries of existence!
:'''Voice over''': '''Big motherFUCKin' Riiiiiiggs'''!
:'''Trucker''': Drivin' around in fuckin' trucks!
:'''Voice over''': '''BIIIIIIIIG MOOTHHHERRRRRFUCCCCKIN' RIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGS'''!!! Big Rigs.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Well, there's one last thing left to find out. How fast can you go in reverse? Let's push the limits. (He drives in reverse, gaining speed quickly) The truck's fucking the ground. (The Nerd feels like he's traveling the speed of light, and the truck's engine noise becomes high pitched. He covers his ears) That noise! That noise, how high can it go?! [[Spaceballs|Light speed! Ludicrous speed! We've gone to plaid.]] (Screams wildly) '''''I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! WE GOTTA STOP!''''' (Releases the reverse key as the chair flies back, crashes into the video room) Oh, shit, oh, shit, oh, shit!

=== [[w:Penn &amp; Teller's Smoke and Mirrors|Desert Bus]] ===

:'''The Nerd''': The manual (and yes, there is a manual) says &quot;No, it's not an oversight. Does your life have a pause control?&quot;
:''[The Nerd chuckles weakly, groans angrily and is about to drink a Rolling Rock, but puts it aside]''
:'''The Nerd''': I'm drivin'. ''(hangs an air freshener on the camera)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[using a clamp to hold down the A button, just like in The Terminator (NES) episode]'' How do you like ''that'' trick, Penn &amp; Teller? If you can't beat the game, let the game beat itself.
:''[The Nerd walks away, and the bus is still driving, gradually veering off the right side of the road. The Nerd returns and sees what is going on]''
:'''The Nerd''': What, what? The fuck?! ''[grunts and tries to continue driving the bus, but is unable to]'' It's stuck! The bus is stuck in the sand. ''[The Nerd looks at the screen at in disbelief and takes a deep sigh.]'' They made the bus veer to the right on purpose. ''[groans]'' They thought of everything. God damn you, Penn and Teller! 

=== [[w:E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (video game)|E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''E.T.'' on Atari 2600. To begin with, it's not a game you just pick up and play. Most games this generation were very simple. Shoot a bunch of aliens, climb to the top of the screen, stop missiles or chomp down all the pellets, but E.T. is an enigma. With all these random symbols appearing at the top of the screen and falling in holes all the time, it's no wonder why gamers did not understand how to play this game. You have to read the instruction manual. So, once you understand how to play the game... '''IT ''STILL'' FUCKIN' SUCKS!'''

=== [[w:Beetlejuice (video game)|Beetlejuice]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': You know, what I'd rather do is trap a bunch of beetles in a jar, smush 'em with a lemon squeezer, and drain their juice into a shot glass. And no, I didn't say anything about drinking it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': I think the game has more to do with the star than the movie; I mean the star in the sky, the real Betelgeuse. It's a red super-giant that's going to explode one day. Does that not accurately describe the feeling you get from playing this piece of shit? This particular star is always pulsating; it's so inconsistent that it's sometimes called the ninth brightest star in the sky, but usually the tenth. These fluctuations in inconsistencies are exactly what they were going for with the unpredictable nature of this game. When you're flying all over the place like a spring-loaded turd in a pinball machine, that's just like the star itself, how it's been speculated to have changed course at one time or another, possibly because a nearby stellar explosion, or in this case, a fuckin' bug. I mean, here we have a game where what exists outside the edge in the screen could take effect or not; the absence of visibility will result in death, whereas the existence of something harmful but not visible will still be in effect! Is it any coincidence that a game with no definable boundaries would have such a distinct relation to a star with optical emissions that vary, making it hard to define the photosphere? Or what about how the star is surrounded by a circumstellar envelope made up of matter that's been ejected from the star, kinda like a mass of bees coming out of a beehive, and making an outer field around the hive? Betelgeuse is part of the constellation of Orion. That's what the ancient Greeks viewed it as but of course today we all know that's actually a skeleton shooting a fireball. Why would Betelgeuse be on the shoulder? Well, quite simply, anyone who's played this game as a kid has a chip on their shoulder whenever you bring up the name! And at last the game was released in May. That's the same month when Betelgeuse can be seen over the western horizon after sunset for only a brief period of time. Likewise, it was Western US gamers who played this right after sunset when their homework was done, and it was only for a brief period before they threw it to the ground, beneath the horizon. So yes, I'm convinced the game was based on the star, and not the movie... or you could just say they fucked it up, and took too much liberty with the source material. 

== The Twelve Days of Shitsmas ==

=== 1. [[w:Colorful Dragon|Tagin' Dragon]] ===
:'''AVGN''': Well, it's Christmas time, again, already, and that means... more shitty games for me. And I have a pretty big pile here, thanks to all you. All requests, a despicable dozen, and we are going to savor these juicy turds one day at a time. Because this is the 8th Christmas since I first started doing these Christmas specials, so we're going to do something a little different, a little excessive. 12 Days...of Shitsmas.

=== 2. [[w:ALF (video game)|ALF]] ===
:'''AVGN''': [After he opens a present] Oh no, it's ''[[w:ALF (video game)|ALF]]'' on the Sega Master System. Of course, it's based on the TV sitcom from the '80s. I used to love that show, just for the fact that the star character was a puppet. Ah yes, the loveable Alien Life Form &quot;ALF&quot; or Gordon Shumway who crash lands on Earth and lives with the Tanner family, not the Tanners from Full House. The goal is to collect special items to get his spaceship working so he can leave Earth and go home, along the way, having to avoid FBI agents who are out to get him. This is all strangely reminiscent of E.T. on Atari 2600. (Zoom in on an FBI agent) These guys are creepy, they look like pedophiles, perverts, child molesters. The way they're dressed in stereotypical trenchcoats and grabbing at the air, as if saying &quot;Come on ALF, I got some candy. I don't wanna hurt you, I just wanna... grope your little alien ass.&quot; (The FBI agent follows ALF into the kitchen) GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN YOU FUCKING SICKO!

=== 3. CrazyBus ===

:'''AVGN''': There's no goal unless you can see how high you can rack up the score. In other words, how long can you hold the D-Pad for! You like that game? You don't even need the game, just the controller and a timer! It would be more fun to stare at the wall! I have a whole new appreciation for Desert Bus! Big Rigs is more exciting than this shit! This broke the shit scale. This is a whole new higher level. First there's poop, then there's shit and then there's...DEFACATION!!

=== 4. [[w:The Ren &amp; Stimpy Show: Fire Dogs|Ren and Stimpy: Fire Dogs]] ===

=== 5. [[w:The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle and Friends (video game)|Rocky and Bullwinkle]] ===
:'''AVGN''': '''''EAT THIS, BITCH! YOU DON'T WANNA FUCK WITH A MOOSE THROWING BOMBS!'''''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Well there you have it, Rocky and Bullwinkle. Shitty game, shitty graphics, shitty music, shitty everything! Fucking big, clumsy moose! Bullwinkle, (Does a Bullwinkle impression) I'm Bullwinkle! '''MORE LIKE BULL FUCKING SHIT!'''

=== 6. [[w:List of Mary-Kate and Ashley video games|Mary-Kate and Ashley: Get A Clue]] ===

=== 7. [[w:V.I.P. (TV series)|V.I.P with Pamela Anderson]] ===
:'''AVGN''': This is a scumbag's idea of a game. &quot;Let's get some slutty girls and give 'em guns, huh huh!&quot;

=== 8. [[w:Lethal Weapon (video game)|Lethal Weapon]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Let me give you some advice. Never play a movie based game. You know why? Okay, okay. They FUCK you with the movie games! They FUCK you, they FUCK you! They know that you're going to buy the game and by the time you play the game and realize that you got fucked, it's too late. They don't care! And after fucking you, they fuck you some more. Who got fucked? The ones who bought the game. The ones who rented it were the lucky ones. They fuck you with the graphics, fuck you with the music, fuck you with the gameplay, they FUCK you, they FUCK you, they FUCK you! Walk off screen to select the character. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard of. That would be if I just walked off screen right now and somebody else came in.
:''[AVGN leaves the room and Mike Matei comes in the room to take his place]''
:'''Mike Matei''': I'm getting too old for this shit. ''[starts playing]''

=== 9. [[w:Porky's|Porky's]] ===

:'''AVGN''': What an experience Pee-Wee had. Can you imagine the story he has to tell? &quot;I was walking down the street. Narrowly avoiding a speedboat, a submarine on wheels, a parade of naked Dr. Seuss characters, a rabbit pig and dudes in cars. I fell down into a pond where I swung around on a pole and build a ladder up into a girls locker room shower with this weird blobby ghost tried to grab my dick. I DROPPED A BUNCH OF PYRO EQUIPMENT DOWN THE SAME HOLE THAT LEADS TO THE POND BUT SOMEHOW ENDED UP ON TOP A BUNCH OF SCAFFOLDING WHERE I WENT UP AND FINISHED IT ALL UP WITH A '''BOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!'''&quot; And that's why you gotta love Atari.

=== 10. [[w:HyperScan|HyperScan]] ===

:'''The Nerd: '''And yes, he just turned into a cheeseburger.

=== 11. [[w:Universal Studios Theme Parks Adventure|Universal Studios Theme Parks Adventure]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Universal Theme Park Adventure on Gamecube. A game based on a theme park, that was based on movies by Universal Studios, the giant movie making machine that made some of the greatest films of all time. From the classic monster movies of the 30's and 40's to the Spielberg masterpieces like Jaws, E.T. and Jurassic Park. Over the years, Universal Studios has celebrated its movie legacy by slowly converting its Hollywood studio location into a big amusement park for the public and destroying film history. You know the opera house set from the classic Phantom of the Opera that stood on Stage 28 for 90 years? Destroyed. The oldest surviving movie set in history gone over night to make way for a Harry Potter ride. But hey, Universal Theme Park was still a lot of fun. You know in the Back to the Future DeLorean and then there's volcanos and shit and then you're riding the bike with E.T. and then the...the truck comes and almost hit you and then you're on the waterfall and...then the T-Rex comes out and then...and then fucking Jaws is jumping out of the water and King Kong shaking the tram and then there's earthquakes and then there's those other movies that you don't even know what the fuck they are, nobody cares! It was awesome! By the 90's, this whole theme park idea was so huge, they opened up a new one in Florida. This is when Nintendo helped advertised it in the movie, The Wizard and then in 2001, Nintendo start promoting it again with this game (the Nerd inserts the disk into the Gamecube and turns the Gamecube on) which I think, sounds awesome. What a great idea to take all these movies and put them into one using the theme park as a way to tie them altogether and on a new advanced console. How could you go wrong?

:'''AVGN''': Well, only one present left. [Looks at the left present] Wanna take a peek? Yeah, let's take a peek. [Picks the last present then reveals the LJN logo as he feels shocked.] '''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!'''

=== 12. [[w:LJN Video Art|LJN Video Art System]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': It can't be! (Opens a present then reveals ''[[w:LJN Video Art|LJN Video Art]]'') LJN made a video game console. It's already bad enough they already monopolized the genre of shitty disfunctional video games, but now, to make a whole fucking console. The biggest turd LJN ever shat. Let's take a look.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Ooh, no, oh, no, oh, NO! Oh, I hate these. These things come from Hell! These are the devil's pitchforks that you have to screw on the back of your TV!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
''[Upon turning on the video game system, the game just blares static]''
:'''The Nerd''': Well, you have to admit, this sure has a killer soundtrack. Yeah, next time you're having a conversation about best video game soundtracks; Mega Man, Castlevania, no, tell them about LJN Video Art. I can see it right now like, &quot;Uh, how does that one go? I don't remember that.&quot; &quot;Oh, it goes like: ''[imitates static sounds]''&quot;
:'''The Nerd''': The game has no sound... This is a unique specimen, not because it doesn't have sound, but because it outputs white noise, so technically, it does have sound, but it's fucking static! This kind of shit is the reason the Mute button was invented. Yeah, so turn the sound off, put on some Witchfinder General, and while you're at it, put on a different fucking game!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So, this concludes this marathon of crap, 12 shitty relics from the ass of the past. Hope you enjoyed it. Enjoyed in a strange way, I guess. You know, why do we focus on the bad memories? Why are we sentimental over the crappy past? I don't know, but I do know that the things of yesterday that were worthless, you all found some way to give them worth. You've done this, I've done this, we've all found ways to just make the best of things I guess. Maybe you're having a good holiday season, or a bad one, or an indifferent one, whatever the case I just want to bring you some joy. I hope you got a laugh, or even just a chuckle, uh, because it's that time of year, where everybody... make happy. Be a comedian. With all sincerity, have a Merry Christmas, happy holidays in general, and I'll see ya in 2015. Get ready for those [[Back to the Future Part II|self-lacing shoes, hoverboards and flying cars!]]

== Season Nine ==

=== [[w:Hong Kong 97 (video game)|Hong Kong 97]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': I've been called upon to take care of business once again. Apparently, there was a game worse than [[w:Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing|Big Rigs]]. Worse than [[w:Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (video game)|Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde]]. Worse than ''CrazyBus'' or ''Desert Bus!'' It was known as Hong Kong 97, and I've been getting requests for it up the ass. The requests are so far up the ass, it's time to shit 'em out! The game was made for the Super Famicom in Japan. But never saw its way to the rest of the world. This is one title that we definitely didn't get on the [[w:Super Nintendo Entertainment System|Super Nintendo]]. It was made by HappySoft. HappySoft was most famous for making... Hong Kong 97, their one and only &quot;masterpiece.&quot; (scene switches to an animated scene of HappySoft, rising from a fiery pit, shitting out Hong Kong 97) On this one occasion, they rose from the depths of Hell, excreted this unholy turd onto the Earth, and then descended back to where they came. (scene cuts back to real life) Supposedly, the game was so horrible, it barely even came on the Super Famicom at all. Stores rejected it and its release status is a mystery. It's so rare that to this day, not a single cartridge or physical copy has shown up at all. I can't even find a picture of one. So the only way I can experience this game... is the same way as the rest of the Internet.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': [upon seeing the word &quot;fuckin'&quot; in the game's intro story] This can't be real. No. No. Somebody's pulling my leg! &quot;A herd of fucking ugly reds&quot;? Was 'a herd of ugly reds' too weak? Did they really need the F word to FUCKIN' drive home the FUCKIN' point? 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': One hit, and the game's over. Why would I expect anything more? ''[Sees the game over screen, a picture of what appears to be a real corpse, accompanied by the text &quot;Chin IS DEAD!!&quot;]'' No... oh, please! I hope that's not a real dead body. No, there's no way they'd have such bad taste! That's gotta be an actor. Or... we're looking at some guy who died on that date and time in 1992. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': The strange thing is that Deng Xiaoping actually died in 1997. The game...predicted the future. In fact, 1997 was the year the United Kingdom returned the rule of Hong Kong back to China. The movie, from '94, forecast this in the tagline: &quot;99 years of British rule are about to come to an end. Hong Kong will never be the same.&quot; The movie stars Robert Patrick, the T-1000 from Terminator 2: Judgment Day, and Judgment Day takes place...in 1997. Part of Deng Xiaoping's ear is sort of cut off, like when Mike Tyson bit off a piece of Evander Holyfield's ear in 1997. The car, I'm willing to bet, is a Mercedes-Benz, in which Princess Diana died in '97. And what was the year Coca-Cola launched Surge? '97. And it's no coincidence all my surge protectors were made in China. Rebooting the entire game after you die? Just like Symphony of the Night. '97. Jackie Chan, uh, Rumble in the Bronx, uh, the Bronx, New York City, the Big Apple... [gasps] The year Steve Jobs returned to Apple in '97. The unstoppable, unrelenting song is called I love Beijing Tiananmen, also known as I love Peking Tiananmen. Peking Duck is a famous duck dish from Beijing. [gasps] And Scrooge McDuck had his 50th Anniversary in '97! The game was such a titanic failure. [gasps] Titanic, the movie from '97! Why was this game's sole purpose to direct us to the number 97? Huh. Like the NGC-97 galaxy in the constellation of Andromeda, the princess Andromeda who was chained naked to a rock to be sacrificed to a monster. Like Princess Leia and Jabba in Return of the Jedi. [gasps] The Special Edition of Star Wars in '97! Ah, fuck, we're back again. Man, I'm just trying to get a final answer here, but I went full circle. Like the song that keeps looping. A game that keeps repeating. Maybe it's all about a cycle. An endless cycle. Old, shitty games that become new again. The past becomes the future, birth and death, on and on, it's the cycle of life. The game is the meaning of life! And the thing that keeps life going; Reproduction...and food...which becomes shit. The game is fuckin' shit. There.

=== [[w:Darkwing Duck (TurboGrafx-16)|Darkwing Duck]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''[searching for a game to review that would supposedly give enough material]'' I got it, ''[[w:Mad Max (1990 video game)|Mad Max]]''! It was made by [[w:Mindscape|Mindscape]], proving that not '''''EVERY''''' NES movie-based game was made by LJN. See - LJN was like a cat, and the NES library was its litter box. When the litter box gets too shitty... the cat shits somewhere else. '''''Now''''' I'm on track.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[reviewing the aforementioned game]''  Well, ya drive around, ya run around shootin' people, ya drive, shoot, drive, shoot, buy stuff, drive and shoot. I '''''wish''''' it were LJN because they would've given me more to '''talk''' about!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Call me an explorer; I've been searching for the '''perfect''' shitty game. And I've seen just about '''''EVERYTHING''''' at this point! But ya know what? I'm gonna do something that I've never done yet. And that is to review a game, on... ''[turns his camera to the TurboGrafx-16]'' ...the TurboGrafx-16. '''''Holy shit.''''' ''[The TurboGrafx-16 floats out to the camera.]'' The TurboGrafx-16 was developed by Hudson Soft and NEC. Its original name in Japan was the PC Engine, which sounds like a computer on a train. No wonder they changed it. The games came on cards, which was unique. It was '''technically''' the first 16-bit console, made to compete with the NES, but it was soon trampled by two titans, the Sega Genesis and the Super Nintendo. Yeah, you were either asking your parents for the Genesis or the SNES. The TurboGrafx-16 was the one nobody ''gave'' a shit about. It didn't have as many third-party game developers workin' for it, but the benefit of that was that it meant less shitty games! The TurboGrafx library is less ''contaminated'' than the rest. That's why it's taken me so long to get to it. There's no '''major''' stinkers that stick out. But I might've found one. ''Darkwing Duck'', based on [[w:Darkwing Duck|the TV show]].  remember the show, but I'm not overly familiar with it, which is a fair spot to be in. I have no high expectations, or low expectations. By now, I've played some of the most '''''HORRIBLE GAMES''''' that are humanly possible to make: ''Plumbers Don't Wear Ties'', ''Big Rigs'', ''Hong Kong 97''; I think I've set the bar too high, or too low, depending which way ya look at it. So now, let's go into some more sensible territory; let's get serious. Or should I say... &quot;Let's get dangerous&quot;?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Great! The game just began and they tease ya with an item that you can't get! There's ''gotta'' be a way... Oh - I see, ya bounce on the skateboarding penguins' heads. ''[turns to the camera]'' How can I be so casual when I say &quot;skateboarding penguins&quot;?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': It's not like I ''have'' to get the D; I don't even know what it does! But it '''''pisses me off!''''' I feel like an ass! I can't let that go! I feel like I've been fooled! It's like a '''test''' from the game programmers! A challenge! Like, you put that D there, and '''''I'm gonna figure out how you intend I get to it!''''' ... I give up. There's a whole game ahead of me. Fuck the D; the D can '''''suck my dick!''''''''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': I've been playin' on &quot;Normal Mode&quot;. I'm changin' it to &quot;Easy&quot;. Huh. &quot;Easy&quot; and &quot;Normal&quot;. Should be called &quot;Hard&quot;, and '''''&quot;FUCKING BULLSHIT&quot;!'''''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Don't you think there'd be a reason why the window is broken? Doesn't it look like I can hop down there? ''(Darkwing jumps up to the cable)'' How 'bout hangin' on the power lines? Darkwing is actually reaching up as if he could grab on! But it never happens! It '''messes''' with your mind! It's a psychological sucker-front! A facade! It's the equivalent of an open door that ya can't go in!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So much shit comin' at me! '''''SO MUCH SHIT!''''' ''[The Nerd falls below the platform and into a different level. He is shocked.]'' What the fuck just happened? It's like you make one wrong step, '''''you go to the dungeon, BITCH!'''''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''':  You can't duck and shoot. Great. Well at least you can duck. You '''''ARE''''' a duck. I dunno what kinda fucked-up duck can't fuckin' duck

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd: ''' ''(As the Nerd waits for a correct time to jump, a safe falls on Darkwing's head, much to the Nerd's dismay. The camera cuts to him looking shocked by this. He then gets an angry look before opening his mouth.)'' ''(Screams angrily)'' '' '''FU.....!!!!''' '' ''(this is interwoven with multiple clips of the Nerd screaming; the final shot is an explosion)'' ''(angrily)'' '''If you stand still for TOO long, a safe drops on you! Like the game is saying, ''&quot;FUCK YOU!&quot;'' ''' '''&lt;nowiki/&gt;''' Might as well just be a giant middle finger. And it should be the only part of the game in 3D! Put on your 3D glasses! Get ready! Set! Fuck you, kids!

:'''The Nerd: '''This '''''could've''''' been a decent game. ''Darkwing Duck'' is '''''NOT''''' one of those concepts that's doomed from the start. The show had elements of action, crime-solving and humor. It's been done well before! ''(Footage of the NES version of &quot;Darkwing Duck&quot; is shown)'' There was an NES version which was basically like ''[[w:Mega Man (video game)|Mega Man]]'' but with a duck. It was made by [[w:Capcom|Capcom]], who of course made the ''Mega Man'' games, and ''DuckTales''. '''Those''' all turned out great, so what happened here? The control isn't just bad, it's '''''uniquely''''' bad. In an indescribable way.

:'''The Nerd: '''Every game with bad control has its own feel, its own identity. Making bad games is an artform. It's a delicate recipe. Some are worse than others. It might be a massive truck load of elephant shit, or, a pellet of bird poop. To explain '''''exactly''''' how bad it is, I've invented &quot;The Shit Scale&quot;.

:'''The Nerd: '''It begins with &quot;Games That Are Debatably Bad&quot;. '''Somewhat''' good games, with ''serious'' flaws. '''''Not''''' part of the turd crust, but well within smell range.

:'''The Nerd: '''Then you get to the &quot;High Level of Shit Contamination&quot;. Games that are ''possible'' to play, but nobody in their right mind would.

:'''The Nerd: '''Then ya get into the &quot;Very High&quot; category which encompasses the majority of LJN games. This is where you could still survive, but you'd come out traumatized... for life.

:'''The Nerd: '''Next is the &quot;Severe Zone&quot;. This is for masochists only. These are games that could kill a person. '''''STAY AWAY. Don't even think about it!'''''

:'''The Nerd: '''Then we have ''Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde''. Enough said.

:'''The Nerd: '''Finally, at the '''''EXTREME''''' end of the scale, &quot;'''MAJOR CODE RED'''&quot;; we have games that don't even '''''qualify''''' as games at all. They shouldn't even be '''on''' the scale! But they are. And that's so you know to beware. '''''NEVER''''' play them, '''''NEVER''''' talk about them.

:'''The Nerd: '''So where does ''Darkwing Duck'' fall on the scale? I'd say somewhere around... here. ''(&quot;Very High&quot; category)'' Of course that means there '''are''' games that are worse, but from what I've seen so far, ''Darkwing Duck'' is the '''''WORST''''' game on the TurboGrafx-16. Being the worst at something is quite an achievement. I'm the fuckin' Nerd, I'll see ya next time. ''(The Nerd throws the game and grunts angrily)'' '''Nnrgh!'''

=== [[w:Seaman (video game)|Seaman]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': So what do you do in this game? Well, the instructions say: &quot;You are free to enjoy Seaman-&quot; ''[slaps the instruction booklet against his forehead]'' '''AW, NO, NO, NO, NOOOOOOO!''' '''IT'S SEA-MAN! SEA...MAN!''' Not ''semen.'' ''[awkwardly pauses for 2 seconds]'' '''AS IN JIZZ! SPLOOGE! MAN BAZOOKA JUICE!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Yeah, you wanna look cool? Put a Sega Dreamcast on your wrist with a TV and a gas-powered electric generator! You'd be so awesome! Let's play this.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Leonard Nimoy''': Then take the egg from the storage matrix...
:'''The Nerd''': Yeah. When he says &quot;Matrix.&quot;, he sounds like Galvatron.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[The Nerd watches in horror as the Nautilus thrashes around, bleeding out]''
:'''The Nerd''': Agh! Ah, that's repulsive!
:''[several Seamen spawn (Gillmen) come flying out of the Nautilus' corpse]''
:'''The Nerd''': ...Whooooaaaa... 
:''[one Gillman swims right up to the screen]''
:'''The Nerd''': GAH! OH, MY GOD! AHHH, GET AWAY FROM ME YOU MYSTICAL ANCIENT PHARAOH MOTHERFUCKERS! Ah! I gotta do it! I gotta do it for Nimoy! ''(gives the Vulcan salute)'' '''''FOR NIMOY!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[to microphone]'' Hello.
:'''Seaman''':''[sarcastically]'' Yeah. Hello. Whatever.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[to microphone]'' I just wanna talk.
:'''Seaman''': ''[sarcastically]'' Blahh, blahh, blahh. Happy?
:'''The Nerd''': ''[to microphone, annoyed]'' Yo, fuck-face!
:'''Seaman''': Let's be sure and get my name right, skin puppet. You're a pain in the fuck.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[to microphone, angrily]'' Suck my cock.
:'''Seaman''': Hey, Seaman don't play that.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[to microphone]'' I'll... (What can I do?) I'll tickle you.
:'''Seaman''': Are you coming on to me?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[to microphone]'' Talk, talk. Speak, speak.
:'''Seaman''': Bite me.
:''[the Gillman flings a viscous substance at the screen]''
:'''The Nerd''': Did he just take a fuck? 'HE JUST FLUNG FUCK AT ME!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Whoa. That's deep, man. But it's bullfuck! The game demands I play by its schedule. So, what am I gonna do to pass the time? Well, I guess I'll play this Famicom Disk game, which roughly translates to &quot;Explosive Fighter Patton&quot;. Why? Because people told me so; they keep feeding me this shit. Let's check it out. ''[inserts the disk. The screen says: &quot;TURN TO SIDE-B AND INSERT TO FUCKING BOX!&quot;.]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[stunned]'' No. No way! It's an official Famicom disk game that says the F-word! And this was in the 80s; this was before Hong Kong 97! '''''IT'S AN OFFICIALLY RELEASED GAME ON A NINTENDO CONSOLE...THAT SAYS &quot;FUCK&quot;! OH, MY GOD, MY LIFE IS COMPLETE! IT SAYS FUCK!''''' ''[shouting]'' '''''IT SAYS FU....'''''
:''[brief montage indicating the passage of time]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[continues shouting]'' O-oh, I forgot about Seaman! ''[turns Dreamcast back on]''
:'''Leonard Nimoy''': I regret to inform you that Seaman has passed away...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Seaman''': Hey, guess what we're doing over here!
:''[two Gillmen are interconnected; the Nerd is shocked]''
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, no, no, no-no-no, please, please! The Seamen are mating. And they felt the need to announce it; to make it known! There they are; staring you right in the face! I didn't even know one that was female. They both have a male voice. That's not... logical.
:''[the top Gillman sinks to the tank floor]''
:'''The Nerd''': It dies? It got fucked to death?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Seaman''': In general, would you describe yourself as a confident person?
:'''The Nerd''': ''[confused]'' Am I confident in myself? Well--
:'''Seaman''': You don't have to be perfect to still be able to like yourself, so tell me.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[lying on the futon like a therapist couch]'' It all started with my pet albatross.
:'''Seaman''': The most important thing is that your dad knows how much he means to you.
:'''The Nerd''': I just feel like...nothing matters, you know?
:'''Seaman''': ''[each line interleaving with one another]'' If you manage to glimpse the world through each other's eyes, you have to keep up with technology. What will your future be like? It's a natural result of the world's economy becoming no reality independent of observation.
:'''The Nerd''': I-I never thought of it that way.
:'''Seaman''': Human beings are the only animals smart enough to entertain itself in a complex way. ''[the Nerd nods in agreement]''

=== The Crow ===

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Nerd''': Look at this ugly, murky mess. I'm sure they were going for a dark, moody atmosphere and all that, but don't you think it's a little too dark? It's almost just a black screen with yellow and red pools of light. Looks like somebody bled and pissed all over the place, after smearing the camera lens with their shit after taking a bunch of Pepto Bismol.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
'''AVGN''': This game is worse than a Mischief Night prank! Mischief Night is throwing toilet paper all over someone's yard. This game is the equivalent of throwing toilet paper after you wiped your ass! It's as refreshing as a horse's anus! Fuck The Crow up its bird ass! And fuck you, you fuckin' clown-faced joker kiss makeup wearin' King Diamond Beetlejuice Alice Cooper Marilyn Manson motherfucker!!

=== [[w:Mortal Kombat Mythologies: Sub-Zero|Mortal Kombat Mythologies: Sub-Zero]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': C'mon, c'mon - oh, get the fuck outta my way - ''[a monk gets crushed by a moving pillar]'' AH-HA-HAH! YEAH! DID YOU SEE THAT?! I FUCKIN' SQUASHED THAT BITCH! ''[A pillar squashes Sub-Zero]'' FUUUUUUCCCCKKK!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Afterwards, you get a cutscene. This is where I should mention that the game was also on PlayStation. It's very similar, but the most noteworthy difference is that on the N64, the cutscenes are still images and text, but with the PlayStation version, since it was a CD-based console, it was able to have full motion video and audio.
:'''[[w:Scorpion (Mortal Kombat)|Scorpion]]''': I am Scorpion. You killed me in cold blood.
:'''The Nerd''': Um... Just stick to ''[[w:Mortal Kombat: Annihilation|Mortal Kombat: Annihilation]]''. 


== Season Ten ==

=== Mega Man Games ===
:'''The Nerd:''' ''[first lines]'' It's been 10 years since I first began broadcasting to you through the miracle of YouTube technology. And since then, I've been trying to keep up with the times. I've just finished upgrading my vinyl record collection to cassettes. And I got a new cell phone... ''[he holds up an old-style Motorola mobile phone]'' (Check it out.) ''[Nokia fanfare plays]'' ...and I finally got one of those new rectangular TVs. I've been reorganizing all my game consoles, new video switchers, working out all the bugs, new shelves, I can now get behind my game consoles to reach all the wires, and of course, the ability to play games in HD clarity. Yeah, hi-def. ''Yeah.'' Now let's play some 8-bits.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' BLAM! Shootin' shit, running around in your blue underwear! It doesn't get any better than this. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' ''Mega Man II'' is favored by many. It's considered to be one of the supreme examples of these types of side-scrolling action games. It's the one everybody knows. Just like another Capcom game, ''Street Fighter II,'' which revolutionized the tournament fighter genre. I guess you can say Capcom made the best number twos.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Explosions! Dialogue! '''EXPLOSIONS ''AND'' DIALOGUE, AT THE SAME TIME!''' ''[Shouting]'' '''''OH, MY GOD!!!'''''
:''[Explosions occur in the Nerd's room with some dialogue saying &quot;This is Hunter Base. Do you read me? Are you all right? Any damage?&quot; interrupting for a brief moment then explosions resume while the Nerd yells]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''2016 Nerd:''' Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. ''[points at R.O.B.]'' Why is that there?
:'''2007 Nerd:''' I don't know, it just sits there.
:'''2016 Nerd:''' Get rid of it.
:'''2007 Nerd:''' Why?
:'''2016 Nerd:''' You'll know by Episode 100.
:'''2007 Nerd:''' Uh, Episode-- ''[stutters]'' ''What?!''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''':  Look, I know this sounds weird, but I've sorta been time-traveling around through AVGN history.
:'''Back Nerd''': Yeah. That's weird. We've never seen anything weird before.
:'''2006 Nerd''': What's AVGN?
:'''Right Nerd''': ''[with an idiotic smile]'' Audio Video Graphic Network!
:'''Back Nerd:''' ''[sarcastically]'' A VaGiNa.
:''[2016 Nerd just facepalms in annoyance.]''
:'''2006 Nerd:''' So what time did you come from?
:'''2016 Nerd:''' From ten years into the future.
:'''2006 Nerd:''' That's nice. Could you have picked a more confusing time to show up?
:'''Left Nerd:''' ''[sarcastically]'' Not confusing at all. Time-traveling back into a dream, that happens all the time! '''''MAKES PERFECT FUCKING SENSE!'''''
:'''2006 Nerd:''' Relax.
:'''2016 Nerd:''' All right, now look, I could tell you that Freddy's around the corner and he's waiting to kill all you, ''[Freddy's shadow gets annoyed, gives the middle finger, and walks away]'' but I'm gonna show you how much worse things could get. ''[shows the PlayStation Disc]'' Here is [[w:Mega Man Legends (video game)|Mega Man Legends]], on PlayStation.
:'''2006 Nerd:''' PlayStation? We're the Angry ''Nintendo'' Nerd!
:'''2016 Nerd:''' THEN CHANGE THE FUCKING NAME! It's about time!
:'''Back Nerd:''' How about Angry Nintendo Commentator? 
:''[2016 Nerd facepalms]''
:'''Right Nerd:''' How about Retro Nostalgic Video Gaming Shit Seeker?
:'''2006 Nerd:''' How about [[w:Nostalgia Critic|Nostalgia Critic]]?
:'''2016 Nerd:''' ''[in disagreement, as if saying, &quot;That's not gonna happen.&quot;]'' Now ''that's'' fucking ''stupid.''
:'''Left Nerd:''' How about &quot;Angry ''Video Game'' Nerd&quot;?
:''[The Nerds agree on the name]''
:'''Right Nerd:''' Yeah, that's good.
:'''Middle Nerd:''' I agree with that.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Mega Man walks toward a magazine rack]''
:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;There're some dirty magazines on the racks...&quot;?
:''[The Nerds have shocked looks on their faces, and they start laughing]''
:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;It might be fun to look at--&quot;
:''[The Nerds all exclaim things such as '''&quot;WHAT?!&quot;''' and '''&quot;OH, MAN!&quot;''' and '''&quot;OH, MY GOD!&quot;''' and having various looks on their faces, ranging from disgusted to laughing.]''
:'''Left Nerd:''' '''''MEGA MAN'S LOOKING AT PORN!'''''
:'''2006 Nerd:''' My life is complete!
:'''Right Nerd:''' ''[laughing]'' ''Mega Man X.'' more like ''Mega Man '''XXX.'''''
:'''2016 Nerd:''' Well, anyway, this guy's gotta take a shit, so take out that Nightmare on Elm Street cartridge and empty your ass all over it.
:'''Back Nerd:''' ''[in embarrassment]'' I wish you would've said that earlier.
:''[The other Nerds smell, gag and hold their nose after knowing Back Nerd defecated his pants.]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''2004 Nerd:''' You didn't play ''Jekyll and Hyde'' again, did you?
:'''2016 Nerd:''' ''[beat, shakes his head]'' ...No! Never... Mm-mm. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': I'm back. It's yours truly, the fuckin' Nerd, here to play some more shitty games. Let's pop this fucker in here-- ''[The Nerd picks up an SNES cartridge and is shocked to see it is [[w:Mega Man Soccer|Mega Man Soccer]]. He puts the game in the SNES, turns it on, plays it and shudders in shock at the game play.]'' Wha--? W--? '''WHAT... WERE... THEY...&lt;big&gt;''THINKING?!?''&lt;/big&gt;''' ''[he runs, hurls himself out the window and screams.]''

=== [[w:Paperboy (video game)|Paperboy]] ===
:'''AVGN''': Extra! Extra! Paperboy goes mad! Here's some [[w:Classified advertising|assifieds]]! Here you go daily douchebag! 10% off your next purchase of &quot;FUCK YOU&quot;! Cloudy with a chance of fuck kicking! Dear Abby, make 'em eat fuck! Crosswords, can you spell cunt? Horoscopes, you will achieve greatness - in FUCK!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Aiming the newspaper into the mailbox is like trying to slingshot a dingleberry from a playground roundabout that’s situated on a moving parade float aiming into a bottlecap that’s tied by a string to a Himalayan snow-cock! While drunk!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Then there's a tire that randomly comes rolling out from behind the house. Who's back there rolling tires? Get a life.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The ''Grim Reaper'' is in town... That's a problem.

=== [[w:MTV's Beavis and Butt-Head|Beavis and Butt-Head]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''(belches)'' Yeah, that's how you critique it, you just say this sucks... yeah... uh... you know when you eat rump roast - are you like, eating a cow's butt? ''(burps)'' You know the word &quot;this&quot; is like &quot;shit&quot; spelled backwards? Or uh... maybe it isn't. Maybe I should like, uh... play another game, or something?

=== The Berenstain Bears ===
:'''Other Nerd''': These are the real Bad News Bears!

=== Sega Activator and Aura Interactor ===
:'''The Nerd''': Streets of Rage 2.
:'''Keith Apicary''': Yes! That's my autobiography.


== Season Eleven ==

=== Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers ===
:'''The Nerd:''' After that, you get this awkward driving stage where you rescue people.
:'''Voice in game:''' ''[exclaims]'' Over here! All right!
:'''The Nerd:''' ''[sarcastically]'' &quot;Love&quot; hearin' those voices over and over again.
:'''Voice in game:''' Over here! All right! Over here! All right!
:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;Over here!&quot; &quot;All right!&quot; &quot;Over here!&quot; &quot;All right!&quot; &quot;Over here!&quot; &quot;All right!&quot; '''''&quot;OVER HERE!!!&quot;''''' '''''&quot;ALL RIGHT!&quot;'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' [Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie ''on Game Boy''] Take a look at the Rangers. Which one's your favorite? ''(shows the Rangers on the Game Boy's monochrome screen)'' The Dark Green, Dark Green, Dark Green, Dark Green, Dark Green, or Dark Green Ranger? Mine's the Dark Green Ranger.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' This problem escalates when you get to the sand. Oh, God, the sand. Let me tell you about this. You have to punch and kick all this sand out of the way, and it's a race against time because there's a machine following close behind you. If it touches you, it's a one-hit death. You have to get rid of that sand as fast as humanly possible. You can't afford any wasted hits, which means you have to master the science behind this punch-kick phenomenon. The top square can only be taken out with the punch. The middle with a kick or a ducking punch. The bottom, only with a ducking kick. So not only do you have to know when it's going to be a punch or a kick, but you also have to know when to be standing or ducking. The only successful pattern I found is duck-stand-stand, duck-duck-stand. I can't even do it without saying it out loud. Duck-stand-stand, duck-duck-stand. Duck-stand-stand, duck-duck-stand. Fuck-shit-shit, fuck-fuck-shit! ''Fuck-shit-shit, fuck-fuck-shit! '''FUCK-SHIT-SHIT, FUCK-FUCK-SHIT!''''' ''(Ranger dies)'' '''''FUUUUCK!!!'''''

=== [[w:Sonic the Hedgehog (2006 video game)|Sonic '06]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': I mean, how bad could this po- it's gonna fuckin' suck, isn't it?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So far, this game has given me nothing but shit! '''The game is giving me shit!!!''' [''The Sonic 06 box game is literally trying to give the Nerd a piece of shit''] '''No! No! No!'''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': [''Talking about how the shopkeeper is only saying welcome''] Especially him. The only word on the screen is &quot;welcome&quot;, but his mouth is moving like crazy. What more could he possibly be saying?! [''The Nerd appears on screen and mimics the shopkeeper''] Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcomewelcomewelcome...

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': [''Commenting on another NPC''] Then there's this crack addict in an alley. [''The Nerd mimics the NPC''] Hey, hey, hey, did you see that, did you hear that? [''starts babbling unintelligibly''] Cra- Cra- crack, I need crack.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
[''Tails jumps over the rail and dies in water'']
:'''The Nerd''': Did Tails just kill himself?!!
[''Tails falls off the rail again and dies'']
:'''The Nerd''': He did!!
[''falls off the rail and dies again'']
:'''The Nerd''': [''appearing on the game screen''] He just couldn't take it... The game was that bad! ''(sighs and jumps into the water)''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''The Nerd''': [about the [[Free Willy|Free Willy]] poster] It looks like the kid is punching the whale! Who the hell could punch a killer whale so hard it becomes airborne?! You don't fuck with that kid!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': &quot;Cleared ACT Mission&quot;? What kind of terminology is that? That's like saying &quot;Cleared LEVEL Stage&quot;. This game is &quot;DICK Cock&quot;.

=== Planet of the Apes ===

:'''The Nerd:''' Well, it's one of those &quot;where the fuck do you go?&quot; kind of games...
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' '''''OH, THE ONLY PLANET THIS GAME CAME FROM IS URANUS! OH, THIS GAME IS A MADHOUSE! A MADHOUSE! OH, YOU DAMN DIRTY GAME DESIGNERS! YOU MANIACS! YOU FUCKED IT UP! DAMN YOU, DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!''''' Oh, that's it. I'm going back to Earth!

=== Game Boy Accessories ===

:'''The Nerd:''' This one, called the 'Handy Boy' was released by... STD? ''STD?!'' '''''WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD NAME THEIR GAME COMPANY &quot;STD&quot;?!'''''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(on Game Boy accessories)'' But then, to top it off, the grand finale. I'm not even emotionally ready to tell you about this, so just sit back, here it is. ''The PediSedate.'' This thing was intended for hospitals, to help children relax when they're about to be put under for surgery or a medical procedure. Essentially, it's a pair of headphones that you plug into the Game Boy. You could probably plug it into any portable gaming console, but more importantly, it has a cup that goes over the child's mouth, and releases the sleep gas, or laughing gas, or whatever it is they need. So, it's the only gaming peripheral I know of that ''gasses you!'' Imagine being sedated while playing fuckin' ''[[w:Dr. Mario|Dr. Mario]]''! What would that be like? Oh, my God! I was gonna make up a bunch of fake shit at the end, like the ''Game Boy Dog Turd Collector.'' But nothing I can make up can top ''this!'' And this thing was rea-I mean, it didn't get released, but it was invented and patented. The Game Boy must have been the most multi-purposed thing in existence! Astronauts actually took it into space! It could withstand bomb blasts, you could take photos, print, sew, find fish, ''get sedated! I wanna be sedated with a Game Boy!!'' '''I WANNA BE SEDATED WITH A GAAAME BOOOY!!'''! [[w:I Wanna Be Sedated|BAM BAM BAMBAM BAMBAM BAM B-B-]] '''''I WANNA BE SEDATED WITH A GAAAAAME BOOOOOY!!!!!'''''

=== Treasure Master ===
:'''The Nerd''': It's a really smart idea to be wearing radioactive fucking SHOES!! Seriously...is Skooter that fucking RAD that he doesn't care about RAD-iation poisoning?

=== Wrestling Games ===
:'''The Nerd''': Trying to hit a guy here is like trying to hit a grain of sand with a tennis racket while Andre The Giant farts directly into your nostrils!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Wow. And how about the most annoying character select screen possible? I don't know who the fuck most of these guys are, and they have no names! Who are these people?? They just shout random slogans at me and move at about two frames per second. Whatever, I'll pick Ric Flair. And of course it controls like ass. The punches take almost a full-second delay! And seriously, why does everyone walk around like there's shit caked up their ass?! Fuck this piece of shit! I'm done! (Takes the game out of the Super Nintendo]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Let me tell you something, brother! This game is the worst there is, the worst there was, and the worst there ever will be! Woo! It's a limousine-fucking, jet plane-sucking, diarrhea-drinking, asshole-stinking Hell-on-Earth in a cartridge, and I'm gonna open up a whole can of whoop-ass on it! And that's the bottom line because the fucking Nerd said so!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Seriously, why couldn't they give all the WWF games to Capcom instead of giving six of them to one of the worst video game companies in existence? Oh, and did I mention the toy line? LJN made the toys, too, and those fucking sucked also! Ugh! What were they thinking? Man, if LJN stood for Laughing Joking Numbnuts, then WWF must have stood for... Wisecracking Wiener Fuckfarts. ''[Actually, Nerd, WWF stood for &quot;World Wrestling Federation.&quot; Now it's WWE, which stands for &quot;World Wrestling Entertainment.&quot;] (gets knocked down by SNES cartridge with a steel chair and the audience angrily boos while the cartridge celebrates as if giving the audience a middle finger, and saying '''&quot;FUCK YOU!&quot;''')''

=== [[w:Polybius (urban legend)|Polybius]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''(after unsuccessfully trying to escape)'' The only way it'll let me go is if I show the game! ''(crying)'' I had to... I had no choice. I can't stand this anymore. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry just... [cries] Just don't look. Don't look, turn the video off right now! Once you see it, it's in you forever.
:''(The camera pans to floor as the Nerd walks toward the Polybius console and looks up at the screen, which shows a 3D-looking square tunnel and then a Tempest-like screen with other shapes. The screen flashes shapes randomly before the YouTube Video Unavailable screen appears. The face suddenly changes into the Nerd's face before the screen cuts to static.)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Todd Tuckey''': What's going on? Hello? ...Well, the camera's here. ''(picks up camera)'' Well, there's the game. ''(static interspersed with Todd screaming)''

=== Robocop NES Games ===

=== [[w:Sonic the Hedgehog (2006 video game)|Sonic '06 (Part 2)]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' Seriously, the last thing I want to do after beating Sonic '06 is play more fuckin' Sonic '06! I'd rather rip every individual pube out of my scrotum with salad tongs than play this anymore!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[after he beats Sonic '06]'' Wow! Can't say I've seen that before. Well, Sonic '06, it's all done. Just to think, all the hours spent, all that time, all that torture, and now, it's all over?
:''[sultry jazz music plays as the Nerd glares at Sonic '06 with bedroom eyes. Whipping and laughter sounds as the scene cuts to the dungeon with Sonic '06 whipping the Nerd.]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[exclaims]'' Yeah! You like th-Ah! Ah! Yeah! Give it to me! ''[shouting]'' Ah! Yeah, yeah! ''[exclaims]'' Yeah, oh you like it when I give you those bedroom eyes! ''[shouts]'' Yeah! ''[exclaims and shouts]''

=== Charlie’s Angels (GameCube) ===
:'''Charlie''': Good morning, Nerd.
:'''The Nerd''': Who said that?
:'''Charlie''': Down here, Nerd.
:'''The Nerd''': The fuck is that thing?
:'''Charlie''': It's me, Charlie. I've come to help you with your game decision. I've got one in mind I think you'll like.
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, yeah, yeah, that's just what I need. Thank you. Thank you very much. How about you just get the hell out of here before I smash your circuits all over the floor?
:'''Charlie''': Why don't you take a look at the game first?
:'''The Nerd''': Oh yeah. ''Charlie's Angels: the Movie'' the game. I heard that one's some grade-A ass!
:'''Charlie''': Indeed it is, Nerd, but you'll only find out if you play. Now play it.
:'''The Nerd''': Okay. All right, so somebody comes and makes me play a game. Freddy, Jason, Bugs Bunny, a speaker phone? I mean, this is an all-time low. ''We're reachin' here!'' And you know where. What do you think I do all day? Just sit around and play shitty games?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' It's finally happened. For years I've been calling games ass. But here is a game ''that's literally'' ''ASS!''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Charlie:''' I'm really sorry Nerd. I thought you would've loved a game that was ass.
:'''The Nerd:''' And why would I love that?
:'''Charlie:''' Because... you're a pieceashit!

=== Star Wars: Masters of Teras Kasi ===
''[The Nerd is looking through a 'Star Wars' encyclopedia]''
:'''The Nerd:''' What? ''JIZZ!?'' 'A popular style of freeform, wailing music' Jizz! Yeah, there is 'jizz' in this book. ''(flips to another page)'' Jizz-wailer!? 'A musician who plays a fast, contemporary, and upbeat style of music.' Jizz-wailer! It's in Star Wars!

=== Lightspan Adventures ===
:'''The Nerd:''' Let's learn some motherfucking math! ''On the move!''

== Season Twelve ==
=== [[w:EarthBound|EarthBound]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''[on the game's oversized box]'' Your ''MOM'' has an oversized box!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''(Following the montage of interruptions by the Photo Guy)''
:'''The Nerd''': ''LEAVE ME ALONE! LET ME PLAY THE GAME!''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mr. Rigs''': That's right, Nerd! Don't take shit from nobody! Only give shits and while you're at it, get some clothes that fit.
:'''The Nerd's Shit''': Yes, it's a little on the baggy side.
:'''The Nerd''': Hey! I don't need any advice from you or the shit talking shit.

=== Dirty Harry ===
:'''The Nerd''': While the movie was ''Dirty'' Harry, the game... was just straight-up ''filthy''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': (''at the title screen'') It opens with the classic line from ''Sudden Impact''.
:'''Harry Callahan''': ''Go ahead. Make my day''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': This game is yet another one of those &quot;Where the fuck do I go?&quot; kind of games. I ran around for 20 minutes like a chicken with its head cut off and barely accomplished anything.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': I know what you're thinking, did he fire six shots or only five? Well to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I... kind of lost track myself. But being this is a Konami Justifier, the most powerful light gun in the world, it would blow your label clean off. You gotta ask yourself one question. Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya? Punk?

=== [[w:Drake of the 99 Dragons|Drake of the 99 Dragons]] ===

:'''The Nerd:''' ''(meditating to ethnic music)'' ... Oh, hey. I've just been meditating to summon the power of the Chosen One to give me the patience and the courage... to play today's game.
:'''The Nerd:''' This game is what you get if somebody ate every badass dual-pistol wielding, trench coat-wearing late '90s action movie cliché, then barfed it out, ate the barf, and then dumped their ass into a piss-and-shit-stained bus station toilet, and then they took that rancid concoction, and somehow printed Xbox discs made out of it! 99 Dragons, made out of 99 percent bullshit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': But ooh boy, let me tell ya, I haven't even started playing yet, so let's pick up the Duke here, this big-ass ''tank'' fuckin' controller, and let's get started. 'cuz it's gonna get fucked...
:'''The Nerd:''' I understand the game was developed under a very short time, but somebody had to pop this in at least ONCE and say; &quot;This controls like ass.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(on the cutscenes)'' Oh, and the lips barely move, so I can never tell if they're actually talking, or it's some kind of inner monologue. ''(As he speaks, the Nerd's mouth is intentionally out of sync with his voice, parodying this.)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(After having died, the Nerd spawns in a temple, where he has to wait for ten seconds before restarting.)''
:'''Statue:''' &quot;There's no cure for stupidity beyond death.&quot;
:'''The Nerd:''' Yeah, well, fuck you too, you fuckin' statues!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(waiting for a platform to take Drake to the top of a building)'' O-oh, come on! I could build a sculpture of a horse takin' a shit, out of horse shit, in the time it takes to get up there!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' This is where the problems in the game REALLY mount up, and it just... builds inside you with all this RAGE, and you become... just BOILING SO FUCKIN' HOT! It's not like you're in Hell; you've '''become''' Hell! Bad people die, and they go into '''you!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(fighting a boss)'' And before I know it, I'm dead! What the fuuucck?!
:'''The Nerd:''' So you defeat the boss, you rescue your master, and now you gotta go down into the subway, and... ''(gets hit by a train and dies)'' '''HAAAAAAAAAAGHHH!!!''' ''WHAT THE FUCK?!'' Thi-I-I-I-I can't fuckin' stand this. I-I would cheat, but, they didn't even program cheat codes! But how could they, if they can't even program a ''fuckin'' game?! ''(stammers and briefly meditates)''

=== ''Tomb Raider'' Games ===
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, and have you ever noticed the Angelina Jolie ''Tomb Raider'' movies aren't called ''Tomb Raider?'' They're officially called ''Lara Croft: Tomb Raider'' and ''Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life.'' What a mouthful. Did they just read the movie poster out loud? Might be why it took 15 years to get another feature film, which was simply called, ''Tomb Raider,'' unless the real title was supposed to be: ''Alicia Vikander is Lara Croft Tomb Raider March 16th Experience It In IMAX.'' But that's probably too much for a theater marquee, right?

=== Resident Evil Survivor ===
:'''The Nerd:''' This game is kicking the PlayStation while it's already down. Mainly in the balls.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:(''after the Nerd appears in the intro to the original'' Resident Evil)
:'''The Nerd''': You see that shit!? Well, I guess I gotta explain. The Umbrella Corporation, they moved in next door, set up a secret lab, and now there's monsters and stuff, and I dunno what to do! Well, I guess I'll pop in the disc, play some ''Resident Evil: Survivor'', have a pint, and wait for all of this to blow over.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So this guy's seen hangin' from a helicopter, he falls off and the copter crashes. Then that same helicopter shits another guy out. Seriously, look at this! The helicopter's on fire, and this dude just shoots out like a turd with an explosive fart behind it!

=== Super Hydlide and Virtual Hydlide ===
:'''The Nerd''': Eight years ago, I played the first ''Hydlide''. Since then, I've gotten a lot of requests to review the other Hydlide games. The other ''Hydlide'' games? Because the first one was so good, you've gotta have more, no, sequels to games that already sucked Donkey Kong dong, that I can't stand! I can't stand the sound of it! Hydlide! ''HYDLIDE!'' (''vomits both sequels'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Imagine living in this world: you're late for work, so you skip breakfast, and then two hours later, you're in the middle of a meeting, and ya drop fuckin' DEAD in front all your coworkers! Nothin' left but a withered husk. Tragic.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': &quot;It does seem fitting to construe carelessly made shoddy goods as bullshit, but in what way? Is the resemblance that bullshit,  itself, is invariably produced in a careless or self-indulgent manner that is never finely crafted? The word 'shit' does suggest this. Excrement is not designed or crafted at all. It is merely emitted (or dumped).&quot; So, while the game did not actually come out of somebody's asshole, it sure CAME OUT in the same manner!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Thankfully, Virtual Hydlide is over. The credits play, and ya get the List of Shame, set to some shitty stock JPEGs of the countryside. You wasted precious hours of your life, to give yourself eyestrain and motion sickness, and all you get is a fucking &quot;Congratulations!&quot; screen. Well, at least they spelled it right. Anyway, ''Virtual Hydlide'' is literally &quot;Bullshit&quot;. Oh, that's right; where'd I throw the book? Ah, well... whatever. I don't have anything planned anyway, so... (''scrolls up like a cel sheet, revealing a &quot;Conglaturation!!!&quot; message'')

=== Amiga CD³²™ ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''[unable to play the CD³²]'' Oh, that's perfect. I have to hold the disc hatch down just to get the game to spin. What, did I really expect this thing to work? I don't even want to play this piece of fuck to begin with, let alone one-handed, holding the thing down to get it to function.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing'' Dangerous Streets] Right off the bat, this is possibly the worst group of fighting game characters I've ever seen. Lookin' back at ''Street Fighter'' and ''Mortal Kombat'', each game had a group of memorable characters, like: Ryu, Guile, Scorpion, Liu Kang! This game has Futuristic Tommy Wiseau, Asscheek Lady, Spring Shoe Guy, Fat Guy with His Pants Undone, and a Native American guy '''TAKIN' A SHIT!''' And, there's this guy who was &quot;born in Pennsylvania&quot;... which just confuses the shit outta me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing'' Gloom] You collect bouncing balls for guns, and baby bottles for health! What is this, like a ''spoof?!'' Like ''PO'ed''? Yeah, the game where you're shooting butts! But, that was done on purpose, as a ''parody! ''This one, '''it's just a fuckin' watered-down piece of shit'' Doom ''knockoff!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing'' Bubba 'n Stix] The gameplay is kinda like a puzzle platformer, where you have to use Stix to get past obstacles, like using him to pry this rock up, or sticking him into the wall to use as a platform. This part right here is pretty funny. You have to get close to these weird guys without interrupting their conversation, and then throw Stix, the character, at them. The graphics are really nice, too. It's cartoony and colorful, but not like the rainbow vomit from ''Oscar''. This is actually a good game. At least, until I get to the second level and I can't figure out what to do. And, I don't have the time to figure it out, so...oh, well, I guess we gotta move on. But, I can give this one the Nerd stamp of not shit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''James D. Rolfe''': ''[receiving a call from the Nerd about a scene from the ''Surf Ninjas'' game]'' This is Cinemassacre Video, where selection is the name of the game. This is James speaking. How may I help you?
:'''The Nerd''': Yeah, okay, I just wanna ask you a quick question.
:'''James D. Rolfe''': Sure thing. Go right ahead.
:'''The Nerd''': Have you ever watched the movie, ''Surf Ninjas?''
:'''James D. Rolfe''': Yeah. In fact, I just had a chat with a bunch of friends all about that. Did you know that the costume designer was the same in ''Street Fighter: The Movie?'' That would explain all the blue camouflage--
:'''The Nerd''': Okay, okay. Look-look-look-look. I just wanna ask a fucking question. In the movie, ''Surf Ninjas,'' does anybody rip someone's heart out, Kano-style?
:'''James D. Rolfe''': Um... no, I don't think that happened in the movie.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[hangs up abruptly]'' See? I knew it.
:'''James D. Rolfe''': Hello? ''Hello?'' ''[sighs and hangs up phone; annoyed]'' Wow. What an asshole.

=== The Town With No Name ===
:'''The Nerd:''' ''[after he beats The Town With No Name]'' Well, that's it. And the good news is I never have to play the Amiga CD³² ever again, and just to make sure this time, I'm sending this thing back to the depths of Hell!
:''[Nerd picks up the SNES Super Scope and Sega Menacer, and starts firing on the Amiga CD³² like crazy, then he puts them down and starts firing hadoukens etc.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' You know what? Fuck this digital shit. Because, this thing needs to be destroyed for real. I'm not jokin' around; I'm goin' practical. I'm gonna do the real fuckin' deal. 
:''[in the backyard, The Nerd puts the soon-to-be-dead Amiga CD³² on the table, brings a Boring Company flamethrower and fires at the console]''
:'''The Nerd:'''  '''''HOW'S THAT FOR PRACTICAL?!''''' ''[the battery inside the Amiga CD³² explodes]'' '''''YEAH! BURN, BABY, BURN! YEEEAAAHHHH!!!''''' ''[Amiga CD³² melts down slowly]'' '''''WHEW, BOY! YE-HE-HE-HE-HEAAAH!!!'''''

=== Home Alone ===
:'''The Nerd''': (''looking down at a box of pizza delivered by Macaulay Culkin as a pizza delivery boy'') What's this?
:'''Pizza Boy''': A lovely cheese pizza; just for you.
:'''The Nerd''': You got the wrong house; I didn't order any pizza. But I'll take it anyway.
:(''He opens the pizza box to find'' Home Alone ''games on different consoles''.)
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, not funny.
:'''Pizza Boy''': Think of it as a gift; you owe it to yourself to play those games. I hear they're awesome.
:'''The Nerd''': No, they're not! Besides... I already reviewed both NES games: that first one where you're laying traps around the house that are enclosed in square tiles for no reason, where you're walkin' up the stairs like you took a dump, and that second one where you're running through the hotel, slidin' on your knees, fighting mops, vacuum cleaners and suitcases, and a chef that takes off his clothes. I'm already done with that, so get this shit out of here! And you better believe I'm leavin' a bad Yelp review.
:'''Pizza Boy''': That's just the NES versions; maybe the rest of them are better. I mean, look at how many of them there are, I mean, they can't all be bad... can they?
:'''The Nerd''': I admit I haven't played the rest. Have you?
:'''Pizza Boy''': No, but they all have Macaulay Culkin in them. I mean, how could you go wrong?
:'''The Nerd''': Well, maybe if they're not as bad as the NES games...
:'''Pizza Boy''': Come on. Everyone in the world shits on these games, and maybe you could change the world's mind. I mean, come on.
:'''The Nerd''': Okay, fine! But you're not going anywhere! You're gonna sit right here and suffer with me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': (''covering the PS2'' Home Alone ''game'') The biggest anomaly of the group is definitely the PS2 version. It was only released in Europe in 2006. Yeah, a while after the movie!
:'''Pizza Boy''': Yeah, but that movie is just timeless.
:'''The Nerd''': It is, but this game, by all known laws of physics in the universe, has no right to exist! The mere idea would baffle the greatest scientific minds of our time. ''(holding the case)'' Besides, the style is completely different: it doesn't look anything like the movies, looks nothing like Macaulay Culkin, I don't even know why we're talking about it, so let's just pretend it doesn't exist.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': (''playing the SNES'' Home Alone ''game'') The object of is to run around the house, collecting valuable items to hide from the criminals. You can only hold a certain amount. When your hands are full, you have to drop them down a laundry chute which leads into a giant vault in the basement! Or Goro's lair, or whatever the hell this is.
:'''Pizza Boy''': Look, I know the movie was a long time ago and stuff, but I don't remember Kevin gathering together... candlesticks, money bags and giant emerald rings, and then, throwing them down a laundry chute? But what do I know?
:'''The Nerd''': The items are found in the most random places, (''sees Kevin fish a whole pizza out of a toilet'') like in a... toilet?! Wh-- I found an entire goddamn pizza! In a toilet!
:'''Pizza Boy''': (disgusted) Kevin would never grab anything out of a toilet...
:'''The Nerd''': (equally disgusted) Augh! Yeah, not even a pizza. I'm sure of it.
:'''Pizza Boy''': Yeah... Yeah... I mean, maybe I would have. You know, back in my... heady days.
:'''The Nerd''': You would have grabbed something out of a toilet?
:'''Pizza Boy''': Yeah.
:'''The Nerd''': Pizza?
:'''Pizza Boy''': You've never had toilet pizza?
:'''The Nerd''': Yeah.
:'''Pizza Boy''': Yeah.
:'''The Nerd''': Pizza shit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Pizza Boy''': Did they really think I grew up in a house where giant frogs roam free in the hall? &quot;Yeah, we just had those suckers hoppin' all around, all the time! Mr. Frog House!&quot; I've never had to collect 35 pets, drop them down a laundry chute, and into a bank vault! Are you fucking kidding me?! What kind of asshole does this game think I am?! I can't believe they'd get away with this... I mean... you go to the store and... you see your face on a cartridge, and go like &quot;I wanna play with myself, all day long!&quot;Every kid deserves a video game based on themselves, am I right?  But no. No, they shat on me! They shat on my legacy! (''begins crying'') What am I gonna do?!
:'''The Nerd''': Wait a minute... You're not a real pizza boy! (''rips of name tag'') You're... M-- M-- Maculkin! I'm playin' ''Home Alone'' games... ...with Macaulay Culkin!!! (''screams a la Kevin'')
:'''Culkin''': Really? Really... Never seen that before. That's-- that's new. Can we just get back to the fucking games?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Culkin''': (''playing the SNES'' Home Alone 2 ''game'') Why is the entire hotel trying to kill me? I mean-- they have a bunch of fuckin' bombs behind the check-in desks! I mean, do they hate their child customers so much that they have to lob lobby bombs at them? And yes, that was pretty hard to say!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Culkin''': (''while battling Harry and Marv at the tree'') Y'know, once I had to fight a demonic tree... It was terrible... I don't know how the game developers found that out.
:'''The Nerd''': &quot;Demonic evil tree&quot;? They-- They exist? And this... this happened to you? Do you remember, like, what... ...um, how did it... happen? Li-- what...
:'''Culkin''': It was a long time ago.
:'''The Nerd''': I know, I know, it's--
:'''Culkin''': DON'T TOUCH ME!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': (''playing'' Home Alone 2 ''for Genesis'') Well, this is off to a frustrating start. Why is everyone in the entire airport tryna kill you? What did Kevin do to instigate all this?
:'''Culkin''': I mean, maybe because they had me pelting innocent businessmen with baseballs? &quot;Here comes Kevin McAllister; he gives 'em a big ol' concussion with a fuckin' baseball!&quot; Right to the dome, look at that! Bam! I'm shooting a poor balloon salesman... and stealing his balloons to get past the TSA. They're making me a fuggin' asshole!
:'''The Nerd''': At least you get to see Kevin take out airport security with a water fountain. And then they all just fall through the floor, while Kevin looks at you like, &quot;What the fuck?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Culkin''': This game is like... poop! From a... a buffalo butt!
:'''The Nerd''': Diarrhea, it's gotta be diarrhea! Just go for it!
:'''Culkin''': Okay! I got it...! I would rather do a human centipede with the Wet Bandits! Marv in my mouth, HARRY IN MY ASS! I'll turn them into the Sticky Bandits!
:'''The Nerd''': (disgusted) Augh, dude! Augh!
:'''Culkin''': No, think about it. Think about it. Close your eyes.
:'''The Nerd''': Naw, I-- No I don't....
:'''Culkin''': No....
:'''The Nerd''': And that's from the web series that brought you &quot;Shredder's my ass and Splinter's my balls!&quot;

== Season Thirteen ==

=== Chronologically Confused about Kingdom Hearts Timeline ===

=== Video Game Magazines ===

=== Aladdin Deck Enhancer (NES) ===
:'''The Nerd''': Aladdin took an upper-decker in my toilet!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': (after he plays the same Micro Machines game, he sighs) The games are exactly the same. There's no difference! The deck enhancer is an add-on that adds nothing! They sold you the same games with some assembly required. It'll be like getting a new sprayer for your garden hose, but it doesn't fit, unless you get some special adapter. So you buy the adapter, but the sprayer still doesn't fit. So now, you have to find a completely different sprayer that only exists in special stores, and then you find out it works the same as the old sprayer, doing a no better job washing away the horseshit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': That box is a prime example of false advertising. Upgrade your Ninfuckingtendo Entertainment System? More like UPPER DECKING IT! And that's not a joke. I mean it. It is the electronic equivalent of an upper-decker. With the Aladdin, the components that normally go inside an NES cartridge are instead deposited into the deck. In the same way, the turds, which are usually preferred to land in the toilet bowl, are instead dumped into the upper tank. Therefore when the toilet is flushed, the bowl fills with shit water, and after that, it's the shit that keeps on giving. Would you consider that an enhancement to your toilet? Well, give it a try, and you'll know EXACTLY what the Aladdin does to your NES! Why does the box say &quot;Aladdin is the future in console gameplay&quot;? The Sega Genesis and Super Nintendo were already out! That's like saying you invented a brand new car that's got new safety features, and uses clean energy, but it's got pillows tied to it and it runs on coal! This thing had no future at all! All the &quot;Coming Soon&quot; games were cancelled, and Camerica went out of business right after this thing was... released? (He weakenly laughs, then he shouts) They went out of business right after it was ANNOUNCED! (He stammers, then he picks up the box and gets hit by the instructions) I—it was a death sentence! A curse! A curse that shrouds its release status in all-consuming mystery! Not even the Gaming Historian found any clear proof that it ever got officially released. I mean, sure, it got made an—and discovered thanks to inventory liquidators and eBay, bu—but if this thing never officially came out, then not only did it not have any future... it didn't have any past, either! How am I supposed to take you back to the past, when there's no fucking past?! I have no business complaining about something that didn't even come out! I wasted my breath! Why did I have to find this thing?! Aahh, I might as well just be diggin' into the Devil's asshole! Fuck!
:''(The Genie appears filled with sewage from a septic tank that previously came from the Nerd's second wish.)''
:'''The Genie''': Hey, I'm back.
:'''The Nerd''': What are you doing back here?
:'''The Genie''': Look, man, I'm just here to grant your last wish so I can get out of here.
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, yeah, that's right. I get one more wish. Okay, well, for my last wish... I wish... you know, I think we've both suffered enough. Yeah, so... I wish... every Aladdin Deck Enhancer, on the whole planet Earth... will fucking explode.
:'''The Genie''': You got it, dude! Smell ya later!

=== Pepsiman (PS1) ===
:'''The Nerd''': (''given the PS1'' Pepsiman ''game'')  Well thanks Pepsiman, that's very interesting. But i have other junk food games like I could play, like ''Cool Spot''. (''Cool Spot'' is turned into ''Pepsiman'') Oh, come on! Oh well, I could always play ''Chester Cheetah''! (''Chester Cheetah'' is turned into ''Pepsiman'') Aw! Well how 'bout uh... ''Big Bumpin''? (Big Bumpin' ''is turned into'' Pepsiman) Aw, man... How 'bout uh... ''Kool-Aid Man''? (Kool-Aid Man ''is turned into'' Pepsiman) Goddammit, you silly fuck! I don't wanna play ''Pepsiman''! (''Pepsiman opens his mouth and hisses menacingly'') Okay, Jeez! I'll play ''Pepsiman''!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Mm-Mm, that's enough for me, this game's too monotonous! ''[Gets up to leave]''
:''[Pepsiman grabs the Nerd and forces him back onto the couch]''
:'''Pepsiman''': ''[Hisses angrily]''
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, dude, DUDE! Your breath! It smells like tooth decay! Here, have some Mentos! ''[Produces a packet of Mentos]''
:'''Pepsiman''': ''[Screams and retreats]''
:'''The Nerd''': Wow! Um... that worked Thanks to Mentos!
:''[Close-up of the Nerd with the Mentos logo]''
:'''Announcer''': Mentos! The Freshmaker!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': You know, Pepsiman is a rather sad tale. Pepsiman can make Pepsi for everybody... except himself.
:''[Pepsiman hangs his head sadly]''
:'''Singers''': ''[Pitched down]'' ''#PEPSIMAAAAN!#''

=== Superman 64 Returns!! ===
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, no! They move!! Why do they have to move?! Ooh, wow! Yeah, they really change it up!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Well, this is the ugliest digital Superman face I've ever seen! ''[a shot of Superman's face from [[Justice League (2017 film)|Justice League]], which was digitally edited to remove Henry Cavill's moustache]'' Second-ugliest.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': You wanna know the worst thing about those ring levels? Right when you're getting the hang of it, the game will glitch, and send you flying across the map - for no goddamn motherFUCKING reason! So y'have to backtrack or restart.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': If you get too far away, a Shadow Guy will spawn in front of her. And I am so sick of saying &quot;Shadow Guy&quot;!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': [after a weak boss battle] Again?
''[cut to even more rings]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[horrified]'' '''AGAIN?!''' ''[runs into the camera screaming]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[after the final boss battle]'' Y'wanna know somethin' else that's a real kick in the ass? In recent years, a ROM of the game surfaced which was of the unreleased PlayStation version, and it actually looks... alright. The levels look unique, the bad guys look cooler, the controls... don't seem great, but it looks like they work! According to Tit-us, after all the changes they were forced to make for the Nintendo version, their license ran out and they couldn't release it. Instead we got this rancid anus tart of a game vomiting green rings in our face! ''[the antennae-gold cartridge of Superman 64 begins to zap the Superman eyes as the Nerd looks at it and dodges as he grunts and groans thoroughly. He takes out the N64 console and zaps heat vision, slowly heading for the good games.]'' '''''NO-O-O-O-O!!''''' Please, don't! Don't hurt the good, innocent games! ''[takes out the Superman 64 cartridge from the N64, barely saving the good games, and then he breaks the cartridge in plastic. He sighs and [[w:Man of Steel (film)|cries out in agony]].]''

=== Life of Black Tiger with Gilbert Gottfried ===
:'''Fred Fuchs''': WHO THE FUCK GOES THERE? WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?! ANSWER ME, TOUGH GUY, OR I'LL BLAST A HOLE IN YOU SO BIG I CAN STICK MY COCK IN IT! (getting wistful) And I don't wanna brag, but...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Fred Fuchs''': Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just a guy who built a computer in the jungle without electricity or internet. I'm not educated enough for the guy WHO TALKS ABOUT BUFFALO SHIT IN HIS BASEMENT!
:'''The Nerd''': ...I guess that's a good point.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Fred Fuchs''': You might wanna be a bit nicer about the game, considering the fact THAT I'M THE ONE WITH THE MOTHERFUCKING RIFLE!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': &quot;Survive 'till the fixed time&quot;... What, were you fucking stoned when you wrote this?
:'''Fred Fuchs''': Yes.
:'''The Nerd''': Thought so.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Fred Fuchs''': Sometimes, you just gotta run like Hell from your problems.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Fred Fuchs''': It's an artistic interpretation of jungle life, you uncultured swine! I'm a goddamn artist, and this is my masterpiece! Obviously, too artsy-fartsy for your plebeian palate!
:'''The Nerd''': Aren't you doused in urine?
:'''Fred Fuchs''': From head to toe.

=== Chex Quest ===
:'''The Nerd:''' I really need to go food shopping somewhere besides eBay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Seems the game developers enjoyed working on this, and adding their own flavor! To a game... about a cereal... with no flavor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Yes, I'm sorry I didn't have more negative to say, I was really tryin' here, um... I know I haven't filled my curse quota for this episode, so... fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;BRUTAL CHEX!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt; It's Chex... on steroids! &lt;em&gt;ILLEEEGAL&lt;/em&gt; steroids! Made from broken glass, rusty fuckin' nails, and whole grain rice. This cereal will start your day... if it doesn't end your life! Fortified with calcium from the bones of fallen angel wings! The only cereal eaten by both God &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; Satan! It's a straight kick to your Muddy Buddies - and Brutal Chex turns your milk &lt;em&gt;RED, FROM YOUR OWN BLOOD&lt;/em&gt; POURING OUT OF YOUR &lt;em&gt;FUCKING SCREAMING MOOOOOOOUTH!&lt;/em&gt; (50 free hours of America Online included.)

=== [[w:Trespasser (video game)|Jurassic Park: Trespasser]] ===

=== [[w:The Immortal (video game)|The Immortal]] ===
:''[episode opens on magazine pages about The Immortal, along with the box and manual pages. Pan up, Nerd's hand slides the cartridge out of the shelf. He walks over to the floor, lifts the carpet to reveal a secret door, and opens it. The AVGN title card is shown, accompanied by the &quot;The Immortal&quot; title with blood splatter and malicious laughter.]''
:''[A dark dungeon, decorated with skulls and dangling chains. The Nerd appears, wrapped in a cloak and holding the cartridge.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Anguish. Lament. Oh, how hath ye been cursed if thou hath playeth a game as archaically, diarrhetically ''shit-holic'' as ''The Immortal'' on thy NES. Whence I came, my basement chamber above, where I desprayed such demeaning, failed electronic attempts at merriment, but when they're as loathly as thee, it is but I who has thus sworn to suffer as I descend deeper into the catacombs, a place where true shit goes to lie face-first down in smoldering decay; a place where sorrows exceed the souls, and vanquished beings meet their fate. Medieval torture, man; The head-crusher, the rack, the pendulum, the iron maiden, but none as dreadful as ''this.'' Behold.
:''[the game's demo is already playing on a small monitor. The Nerd walks over to it.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Reset, and here we go, the plight begins. Feast your eyes on this accursed nonsense. So, as soon as the game begins, it gives you a warning: &quot;It might be a good idea to move.&quot; Hmm. And it ''kills'' you. Right away, they pull something like ''that.'' At least, they warned you. But it might as well warn you the moment you put this game in, you're doomed... with life. So let's try it again. Into the next room. ''[3 seconds later]'' A-and look at that! They put that right there, right outside the door? Ohhh, one-hit death traps. That's real classy. Let's reset. Okay, here we go. Uh. So, this isometric angle definitely makes things a little difficult. When you're just moving the D-pad all over the place, it kind of just, you know, it's just a guessing game of which direction to push.
:And here we go, you fight the goblin, and it goes into this battle mode, and, to tell you the truth, in the dark ages of 8-bit entertainment, these graphics are a marvelous sight to laud. But, if thine playeth oneself, you shall hear upon cry the tears of despair and agony as thou realize thou caught in an eternal button-masher. Yeah, that's all you do; is just mash buttons. And the thing is, you have a fire attack. I mean, look at this, you can shoot fireballs, but that doesn't work against the goblins. But you talk to this guy here, and, um...yada-yada, forgive my haste. The important thing to know: he gave me a key. And then, I move on to the treasure chest, I use the key...to open the treasure, and I get...20 gold pieces. A bag of bait, and a sack of bad-smelling spores. Hmm. Well, we all know what ''this'' game's a bad-smelling sack of. So into the next room. Uh. As you can see, going diagonal is kinda tough. I'm gonna use the bait on this goblins. Let's just see what happens here. Do it? Yes, of course.
:''[the bait summons a worm that eats the character]''
:'''The Nerd:''' ''[shocked gasp]'' It ''kills'' you! Look, even the ''items'' kill you! ''Wow!'' Now that is a cheap shot. Alright, let's try again. Into the next room, and...dodge the fireballs-- I mean, not, the arrows...and whatever it throws your way. This game throws everything but the kitchen sink-- A-A-And look! Invisible pits?! Confound it all! Ohhh, I beg of you, have pity! Oh, wow, that's a good one. That's classic. Oh, boy. And the thing about this game is the familiar premise of controlling a wizard navigating through a labyrinth of dungeon cells brings to mind similar games like ''Gauntlet,'' or the obvious ''[The Legend of] Zelda.'' ''[chuckles darkly]'' But those examples only conjure up thy false jolly hopes. As thou seen in my lair above, the artwork in the Nintendo Power magazine and in the instruction manual look divine, but nay, it is but filth. The game is naught of all that is goodly, plagued with visuals cursing the eyes of ye of ill mortals to witness. The shades and hues hereupon are like the bile of a dying bear that consumed only skunks, smeared with the milk of a witch's tits, fused with garlic, and drew a dump. Yeah. And there's another goblin. Ugh, it's so repetitive, you just mash those buttons. Like a disorderly arfarfanarf. I'd rather be bescumbered with dysentery. That's worse than diarrhea because it includes blood and mucus. I'm sorry, that's disgusting, but so is this!
:''[a goblin appears behind the Nerd and roars. The Nerd yells in shock, runs to grab a cane from the floor and begins fighting the goblin ''The Immortal''-style.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Curse you, foul, abhorrent beast! ''[defeats the goblin, who drops to the floor.]'' Eureka! A key! ''[grabs the key from behind the goblin and discovers a door.]'' Yonder I shall go, as I proceed in my journey to further experience the tragedy of ''The Immortal.'' Why must it be I, cursed by the gaming gods, to endure this vomitorium? ''[unlocks the door.]'' Yeah, &quot;vomitorium&quot;. Yeah, that, that's an interesting word. It means, or it was thought to have meant a place where the ancient Romans would all vomit during feasts to make room for more food, but that's just a misconception. It actually means a large colosseum passage that large crowds can exit through rapidly. Such as large crowds of vomit particles rapidly exiting a mouth, ''gaping in misery over a '''foul, wretched video game!''''' Anyway, ''The Immortal.'' Let's go.
:''[the Nerd walks through the door and discovers a group of skeletons.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Death. It is all death here. It began as a gamer's revelry. Those making merry, to open the game on birthdays and holidays with the flames of excitement and adventure in their eyes, but as the agonizing torment set in, as the game mercilessly chastised and dominated them, the instinct to survive faded as the flames in their eyes diminished, and one by one, the revelers all dropped to their knees. Challenge is one thing, but in this game, every step can be deadly; Arrows, flames, giant worms, and there's bats that blend with the dark backgrounds. I mean, how can you avoid something which you cannot see? Trap doors are everywhere, which is a cheap shot, no question about it. I mean, can, can I walk here, or will the floor swallow me? I mean, you'll never know. There's no strategy; no reward for skill. Thou must play it repeatedly to memorize where the pits are. These invisible pits are nothing but a cheap, mean-spirited beginner's trap meant to elicit false and ill-earned replay value.
:'''The Nerd:''' And also, if you touch ''anything,'' you die. Step on the wrong floor tile, you die. Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-- You search the same spot more than once, you die. You approach a ladder or try to climb down a hole from the wrong side, you die. You stand still for too long, you die. You see some tiny little pixel that might be something you can pick up? Nay! Chances are it is but death! In other words, bullshit of the lowest standard. And as mentioned, even thine inventory kills you. When you can't even trust the items, what ''can'' you do? Your character is vulnerable to everything, and for a game called ''The Immortal,'' it begs the question: Who is The Immortal? Because it's certainly not the main character.
:'''The Nerd:''' At one point, in the very first level, you get an amulet, which has an incantation on it. You're given the chance to read it, but if you pick &quot;Yes&quot;, you die. However, the amulet is required to beat the level, so don't read that! But I repeat, the item, that is required to beat the level, can also kill you! How could you make a game in the year of 1990 following a wealth of other games and ignore all that was done previously right? ''What art thou thinking?'' This was made by Electronic Arts? More like Electronic '''''FAAAAAAARTS!'''''
:''[the Nerd drops down to the floor and rests near a stone.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Ugh. And, just-- Oh, for...fucking hell, this forsaken dungeon. And if you thought this torture couldn't get any worse, it does, by enlightening you on how the game could have been better. It was originally made for PCs, like the Apple IIGS, the Amiga, the Atari ST and Sega Genesis. And it's no surprise the Genesis version is better, but all of them had much cleaner graphics. I mean, they're bright and they look more crisp, and plus, the other versions, especially the Genesis, had gore! Yeah! Fatalities, years before ''Mortal Kombat.'' Heads get sliced off, and, look at that, bodies get cut in half vertically, heads explode. I mean, this is-- this game had balls, but it was neutered on the NES. And wouldn't you think the NES, the flagship of all nostalgic video game consoles, would be home to an acceptable version of this? It was a good game. It was a good game. It even-- It even had gore! And-- And I was just playing a bad version all along on the NES. Ugh. ''[sobs angrily]'' Why? Why?! Ugh!
:'''The Nerd:''' Ohh, I-- I can't take it anymore! I thought I knew shit, but nothing could prepare me for this repulsive dung heap! It's a repetitive task, going through the same motions, only to progress one inch closer to the goal. It taunts you; The game knows. It allows you to get one step slightly further. It's like running a hundred-meter dash, but with a bungee cord attached. As soon as you make it near the finish line, it ''yanks'' you back. It's a journey so far travelled, yet barely have you gone forward.
:'''The Nerd:''' And however, if you do make it to the end by some miracle, you have to face a dragon. That's right, it always ends with a dragon. So with this dragon, you're powerless to fight him; you can only use defensive maneuvers. So what you need to do here...is dodge...six of the, the fire breaths with six blink spells. Now, you only have six blink spells, so if you miss one, then you're done; you have to start over. And this dragon, sometimes it shoots the fire right away, other times it leans back and, like, fakes you out. So, you have to memorize the pattern. And that's not all. There's a seventh breath where you have to use the fire protection spell, and again, it's all at a ''very specific time.'' If you miss it, it's over. And that's what sums up this game: just memorizing patterns, and knowing which items to use in which order, i-it's all cryptic trial of error. Just like ''Dragon's Lair.''
:'''The Nerd:''' Ohh, ''The Immortal'' will live on forever as a sadistic, demented electronic mechanism of human suffering. Ohh! Some masochistic alchemist invented this concoction of death traps, awkward combat, stiff controls, items that kill you, constantly dying and starting over. It only leaves you with frustration, anger, sadness and crippling disappointment, emotions that belong nowhere near video games. And when the manual's more fun to read than playing the actual game, you ''know'' you're in trouble. I long for a time when I knew not what this game was. I long for the ''Big Rigs,'' the LJNs, the Fred Fuchs of yesteryear! I rue the day I ever became trapped in ''The Immortal,'' '''''a game where I've stared at the same room so long, the pixelated walls have become my eternal home! I RUE THE DAY I WAS BORN UPON THIS EARTH WHICH HAD SPAWNED SUCH PRIMORDIAL, PUTRID ENGINEERS CAPABLE OF CREATING SOMETHING SO APOCALYPTICALLY HORRID!''''' ''[puts his hands on his chest and moans]'' '''''NEVER SHALL I TOUCH A GAME LIKE THIS AGAIN! I'd rather have a warlord...SHOVE A MORNINGSTAR UP MY ASS!''''' ''[a light comes on from off screen]'' Ah. The light. I must escape. This way.
:''[the Nerd walks away from the wall, and into a cave, where he comes face to face with a growling dragon.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Oh! ''[ducks]'' Oh, good lord! ''[ducks]'' Ah! Ah! Begone, vile fiend! ''[ducks]'' Ahh! Oh, my-- It's futile. I can't win. Smite me, you will. Incinerate me! Banish me to Hell if you wish! ''If Hell is the way out, then Hell it shall be! '''AAAAH!'''''
:''[the Nerd falls to the dragon's fire. The dragon flows off screen.]''

=== Spawn Games ===

=== The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask ===

== Season Fourteen ==

=== Raid 2020 ===

=== Mortal Kombat 1 Ports ===

=== Mortal Kombat Rip-Offs ===

=== Dennis the Menace ===

=== The Incredible Crash Dummies ===

=== Bad Final Fight Games ===

=== Mission Impossible ===

=== Ecco the Dolphin ===

=== Countdown Vampires ===

=== The Legend of Kage ===

=== Taito Legends ===

=== The Simpsons: Bartman Meets Radioactive Man ===

== Season Fifteen ==

=== Shrek: Fairy Tale Freakdown ===

=== Darkman ===

=== Fear and Loathing in Vegas Stakes ===

=== 3DO Interactive Player ===

=== Corpse Killer ===

=== Sega Game Gear VHS Tapes ===

=== Carmaggedon 64 ===

=== Pac-Man 2: The New Adventures ===

=== The Rocketeer ===

=== Greendog: The Beached Surfer Dude ===

=== Commodore 64 ===

=== Freddy and Jason Commodore 64 ===

=== LJN Games Part One (Movie Games) ===

=== LJN Games Part Two (Sports and Marvel Games) ===

=== LJN Games Part Three (Wrestling and Other Games) ===

== Season Sixteen ==

=== The Last Ninja (NES) ===

== External links==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Angry Video Game Nerd, The}}
[[Category:Internet shows]]</text>
      <sha1>tt0v6tqx11icu5uq7mj1lh4lgls0xv0</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153557</id>
      <parentid>3153556</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T13:53:17Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:6C5A:87F:E9B8:F148:6766:1C06:5805</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Ghosts 'n Goblins */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="416221" xml:space="preserve">'''''[[w:The Angry Video Game Nerd|The Angry Video Game Nerd]]''''' is an Internet series based on a main character, the &quot;Nerd&quot;, created and portrayed by James D. Rolfe. In each episode, the Nerd reviews a terrible video game and rants about it using [[Profanity|profane language]]. Mike Matei helps Rolfe by playing guest characters in certain episodes (Bugs Bunny, The Joker, etc.). Kyle Justin sings and plays the theme song written by Rolfe.

The first two episodes were made in 2004 by Rolfe as a joke to his friends but in 2006, Matei suggested to Rolfe that it should become a regular series.

== Pilots ==

=== [[w:Castlevania II: Simon's Quest|Castlevania II: Simon's Quest]] ===

:''[First line of the series]''
:'''AVGN''': This game sucks. Castlevania I and III are great classic Nintendo games, but for ''[[w: Castlevania II: Simon's Quest|Castlevania II: Simon's Quest]],''  the game designers obviously were not thinking straight.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(complaining about how the game regularly interrupts itself with long, unskippable day-to-night transitions with a text box saying &quot;'''WHAT A HORRIBLE NIGHT TO HAVE A CURSE.'''&quot;)'' Why does this need to happen so often? Like, every five minutes? Why does it take so long? Nobody feels like sitting through this every time. How would you like it if you were playin' a game and then every five minutes I came over, and paused it, then counted ten tedious seconds, and then let you continue play the game? Now, I mean, why did they think that that would be a good idea and interrupt the gameplay, did they think it would be more realistic? I mean, in real life I don't have to stop in my tracks when the sun sets and a fuckin' box doesn't pop up in the air. I mean, this is one of the most annoying features in any game ever. What's the point? Yeah, the, I mean, the monsters are stronger at night and the stores are closed, but why's that necessary and why does the game have to stop? It's fuckin' retarded. And why do you have to die when you fall in the water? That's the stupidest thing I've ever seen. [[w:List_of_Castlevania_characters#Simon Belmont|This guy]] can go all over fightin' hordes of evil monsters, but he can't even fuckin' swim?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN:''' Oh, look, I finally got enough hearts to go and buy a plant that I need to cross the swamp, now let me get to the store. ''(nighttime falls)''  Oh shit, it's fuckin' night time, now the stores are all closed and I have to wait for it to turn day again. Oh well, I might as well kill some zombies in the meantime and stock up on some more hearts. ''(falls into water and dies)'' OH SHIT! Now I gotta start all over again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Here, in the dungeons, there's books that you may find which actually give you clues about things in the game that you may need to know about. But, when I find these books, half the time it's by accident, so I may hit the button and cancel it out which means I don't even get to read it and I don't have a second chance. Why can't I do that when it changes from day to night? That would actually be helpful. So, what the game designers figured is this: it isn't absolutely necessary for me to read about how to find Dracula's castle or what I'm supposed to do with an Oak Stake, but what I do need to read, again and again constantly, is: &quot;The morning sun has vanquished the horrible night&quot;. How about ''&quot;vanquished this horrible GAME&quot;?''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(using the password feature to skip to the end of the game and having to input 16 characters)'' The only sure way to get through this awful game is to enter a code, but even that is way more tedious than it should be. While most of the ''Castlevania'' games have symbols you enter for a code, this one just has a whole bunch of numbers. I mean, like, one of those [four-character]little parts would be enough for a password. But why four? Like why so many? In general, I hate games that have passwords like this, because sometimes they have uppercase and lowercase letters. Like the l's, you know, look like I's, the 0's look like O's, the 8's look like 5's so, why does there have to be so many digits? Y'know, like why can't it just be numbers or somethin'? Like, y' know, just numbers and not letters? I mean, it takes me, like, five minutes to enter this code when it should only take, like, five seconds. It's friggin' stupid. Okay, so, say we enter the code, and we go to Dracula's castle. You'll be pretty disappointed how anticlimactic this game is. It isn't even worth putting in a code, let alone playing the whole game all the way through, which, if you did, I feel bad for you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': What a piece of fuck. I mean, I feel horrible that I had to play this game in order to make this video, but I did it to demonstrate its dreadfulness and I forced myself to play it just so that you don't have to. So, you should thank me for telling you to stay away from this horrible steaming pile of goat fuck.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Thank you for listening, good night. The ending sucks too.

=== [[w:Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (video game)|Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde]] ===
:'''AVGN''':  ''[[w:Pong|Pong]]'' is better. Pong is only, like, three lines and a ball. Those little [[w:Tiger Electronics|Tiger]], like, electronic wrist games, ''those'' are better than Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. It makes no fucking sense! It's like, what were they thinking? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''[looking at the cartridge]'' Here it is, here's the piece of shit game. ''[looks at the price tag, which reads 89 cents]'' Who the hell spent this much fuckin' money on this game?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''':  I mean, if you ever find the game, if you ever see it, smash it. Smash it with a hammer. Smash it 'til every tiny fragment is, like, is so small it's invisible. I mean... you'd rather superglue your fuckhole shut than play that game. You'd rather drown in gasoline. You'd rather... you know, th-the thing is... you think I'm joking, like I'm trying to be funny or something. No, the fact that that game exists is a horrible abomination of mankind. That game is so fucking horrible, and I am not kidding. I am dead fuckin' serious. ''[close-up of the Nerd]'' DEAD... FUCKIN'... SERIOUS. ''[fade-out as the Nerd nervously laughs]''

== Season One ==

=== [[w:The Karate Kid (video game)|The Karate Kid]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': I ''hate'' this game. I mean, it makes me wanna kill myself. Now, the only comforting thing to know is that everybody seems to share my frustration. ''Karate Kid'' is a game, that has haunted many of our childhoods. I mean, everybody has the same story: &quot;I loved the movie, so I got the Nintendo game, and I couldn't stand it, yet I had to keep on playing it, because I had to beat it.&quot; So, what is it about this game, that's drawn so many unfortunate kids to turn into bitter adults, reminiscing on their angry childhood; screamin' at the TV, throwin' the controllers? I mean, anybody who has beaten this incredibly hard piece of shit will not have any sense of satisfaction but, rather regrets, because it is a complete waste of fuckin' time. I mean, it's like coming out of a brutal fight, being the winner, but achieving nothing for all your troubles but some bloody bruises and broken bones. It's just not worth it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': (''dies in a pit'') I hate this game, but why am I playing it? Well, that's the question everyone has asked themselves. And they all have the same reason: because you're angry and you wanna win. You wanna beat the Nintendo, but the cold fact is that nobody cares but you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Man, I guess they decided because the game's only four levels long, it better be the hardest four levels ever. Well, how 'bout this, how about if I made a game where there's just this one cliff you have to jump over and it's like nearly impossible, but if you do it, you win the game and that's it. I mean, what the hell were they thinkin' with this piece of shit? What the hell? Now, if you're a serious Nintendo collector, do yourself a favor, don't get this game, because it's not worth it. I mean, it's made many lives miserable and, y'know, if you see it on sale for a dollar, just stay away. Don't even touch it. ''[spits on cartridge and flushes it down the toilet.]''

=== [[w:Who Framed Roger Rabbit (Nintendo Entertainment System)|Who Framed Roger Rabbit]] ===
:'''AVGN''': ''(talking to a lady after punching her)'' &quot;'''CAN YOU HELP ME'''&quot;, &quot;'''GO AWAY, YOU HORRID MAN'''&quot;... how about &quot;Go away, you HORRID GAME!&quot;?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(gets game over and sees a 20 character password)'' And look at this! Th-this is the longest password ever! Would it have killed them to make this any shorter? It takes forever! Like, why should any game, take like ten minutes to type in the fuckin' password?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(calling Jessica Rabbit on the phone)'' This is Jessica Rabbit? Well, I got your number and I'm callin' just to say &quot;FUCK YOU!&quot;
:'''Jessica Rabbit''': I hope you're proud of yourself!
:'''AVGN''': Yeah, well, I hope you're proud of yourself, and you know what I mean, ya fuckin' whore.
:'''Jessica Rabbit''': I'm not bad. I'm just drawn that way.
:'''AVGN''': Yeah, well, wait 'til I draw your suicide note in your own blood, you bunny fuckin' bitch. I'm comin' over and I'm gonna kill you. I'm gonna kill your whole motherfuckin' family! ''(returns to playing the game)'' Alright, well now I got that out of my system, let's continue with the game.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': All right, the game sucks, end of story; I wanna nail Roger Rabbit to the fuckin' cross.

=== [[w:Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1989 video game)|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]] ===
:'''AVGN''': You may even think I'm tryin' to compare it to the sequels, which are far superior. Two-player, arcade action, beat up a bunch of Foot Soldiers. Good stuff. But, this first one is garbage

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': April O'Neil says: &quot;You have my support.&quot; Okay. What the hell did she ever do for you? Stupid banana raincoat wearin' bitch.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(in the sewers level, as an enemy causes the on-screen turtle to fall in rushing water)'' Ughhh, you son of a fuck! And you know what pisses me off? They're turtles, for fuck's sakes! They can't even swim?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Aw, you fuckrat! This is just a bunch of cockadookie, this is bullfuck.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Cowabunga... Cow-a-FUCKIN' PIECE OF DOGSHIT! This game is diarrhea comin' outta my dick! This game is as appealing as a fuckin' ooze-infested dirty fuckin' sewer rat shit! I've had more fun playing with dog turds! [[w:Shredder (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Shredder's]] my ass and [[w:Splinter (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Splinter's]] my balls! This game is an inside-out asshole regurgitating putrid anal fecal matter! I'd rather fuckin' yank all the hairs out of my scrotum! I'd rather drink diarrhea vomited out of a buffalo's anus! It suckin' fucks, it fuckin' sucks, IT FUCKIN' BLOWS, IT'S A PIECEASHIT... and I don't like it.

=== [[w:Back to the Future (NES video game)|Back to the Future]] ===
:'''AVGN''': ''(on the repetitive music)'' I'd rather have a fucking buffalo take a diarrhea dump in my ear than subject them to this horrendous garbage.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(on the nonsensical in-game representation of Hill Valley and all the obstacles Marty McFly must deal with)'' What happened here? Is this Hill Valley or is it Hell?
:'''Doc Brown:''' No, it's Hill Valley, although I can't imagine Hell being much worse!

&lt;hr width =&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Like, if I just shat into a bag, and wrote ''&quot;Back to the Future&quot;'' on it, that would be the same as this awful piece of fuck. It brings my piss to a boil. What a piece of shit! I'll never play it again, either. It's my last time. ''(scoffs)'' I'd rather eat out the rotten asshole of a roadkill skunk than play this game, ever again. And I'm dead serious, too. And do you know what's worse? You know what's - what's really worse? Guess what? There's a sequel!
:'''Marty:''' NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
:'''AVGN''': ''playing [[w:Back to the Future II &amp; III|Back to the Future II &amp; III]]'' Yes, it's true. ''Back to the Future II &amp; III''. Two fucky games for the price of one. Let's check it out.

=== [[w:M.C. Kids|M.C. Kids]] ===
:'''AVGN''': So there's Ronald with his magic bag... bag of hallucinogenic drugs. I always thought that clown was one scary motherfucker.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Then you go to Grimace's board. Here's Grimace, the big purple fuck. Look at his house! It looks like Barney the Dinosaur's testicle.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': It never ends with this game; it’s just like an infinite turd coming out of my ass.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(Explaining a 1-Up gathering trick)'' So if you have an hour to waste, then, there you go. Have fun. You're completely wasting your time, anyway, if playing this game, as I am. Let alone make a fucking video about it. Some people like to call 1-ups &quot;extra guys&quot; or &quot;free mans&quot;. I like to call 'em life insurance.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(At the end of the review)'' Toasty!

=== [[w:Wally Bear and the NO! Gang|Wally Bear and the NO! Gang]] ===
:'''AVGN''': And what's this button for? &quot;PRESS HERE&quot;? Seriously, press here? What for? I mean is it supposed to be telling you how to push the game down? Like, how to put the game into the system? Well, I-I can't really push on it when it's inside the Nintendo. You know, did they really think kids are that stupid? I mean, it should just say, &quot;PRESS HERE, YOU DUMB FUCK!&quot; Like some kid's gonna be like, &quot;Uhhh, duhh, how do I put the game in?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Back in the '80s, it seemed like there were all these characters tryin' to keep kids off of drugs. Whether it was [[w:McGruff the Crime Dog|Mcgruff]], or [[w:Pee-wee Herman|Pee-wee]], or [[w:Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue|the combined efforts of Alf, Michaelangelo, Bugs Bunny and Miss Piggy]] And... this game, I'm sure it didn't help kids stay off drugs at all. In fact, I'm sure the people who made it were on something. So, avoid it at all costs, unless... you are fucked up on drugs. So in that case, let's say NO to drugs... ''(drinking his Rolling Rock)'' and let's say NO to this fuckin' game.

=== [[w:Master Chu and the Drunkard Hu|Master Chu and the Drunkard Hu]] ===
:'''AVGN''': So, yeah, it's a weird game, and you can just tell just by the cartridge. It's one of those weird baby blue cartridges, so you can tell right of the bat that it's a big piece of fucking shit.
:'''Shit Pickle''': Pickle.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': There's only one reason to buy this game. And that's to be able to say, &quot;I own ''Master Chu and the Drunkard Hu'',&quot; so people can awkwardly stare at you.
:'''Shit Pickle''': Shit-pickle-shit-pickle-shit-pickle-shit-pickle.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(Shit Pickle plays the game.)'' So, what do you think?
:'''Shit Pickle''': Shit!
:'''AVGN''': Exactly.

=== [[w:Top Gun (video game)|Top Gun]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': (on the landing sequence) You know, it's like every time I get to this part, I think I might have a chance. This is gonna be it. I'm finally going to land the plane. ''(reading the on-screen directions)'' '''&quot;Speed down. Left, left. Speed up. Right, right! Speed up! Speed down! Left, left! Speed up! Speed down. Up, up! Up, up!&quot;''' I'm hitting up.
''[The Nerd sweats profusely getting closer to the TV. The plane misses the aircraft carrier and crashes into the ocean''.]
:'''The Nerd''': '''''ASSSS! FUUUUCK!'''''

=== [[w: Double Dragon III|Double Dragon III]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Ooh, I know what you're thinking. &quot;How dare you pick on ''Double Dragon''?&quot; But I'm not. [[w:Double Dragon|''Double Dragon'']]'s awesome! So is [[w:Double Dragon II|''Double Dragon II: The Revenge'']]. But ''Double Dragon III: The Sacred Stones'' is just a fucking waste.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(Playing the two-player game, on the introductory cutscene)'' Now, just like the one-player game, it starts off with the story sequence, but this time it shows both the Double Dragons, Billy and Jimmy Lee. Oh, wait... '''''Bimmy and Jimmy'''?'' How'd they make a mistake like this!? '''''Bimmy''''' isn't even a real name! How did this happen!? They didn't even proofread this shitty game before they released it? '''''Bimmy and Jimmy?''''' I'm sorry, I just can't get over that. '''''Bimmy and Jimmy.''''' There's a typo in a Nintendo game, let alone a fucking ''Double Dragon'' game, and it's the first screen!

=== [[w:Friday the 13th (NES game)|Friday the 13th]] ===
:'''AVGN''': Oh, fffuck! Look at the map. I've just been walkin' in the wrong fuckin' direction. What a wonderful game! The bare basics of left and right do not apply. And that's why this game is so great, because it's free from all logic. Logic is for pussies!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(commenting on the game over screen)'' That's ingenious. That's... the best Game Over screen I ever saw. For real, I'm actually being dead serious! DEAD FUCKIN' SERIOUS. That's brilliant, right? ''(looks at Jason)'' &quot;You and your friends are dead. Game Over.&quot; It's priceless. Like, I can't believe it! Isn't that a mean thing to say to kids? Nobody ever ''dies'' in Nintendo. They're either &quot;defeated&quot; or they... turn into an item and like, float away. But here comes a game, like ''Friday the 13th'', that just cuts the bullshit, shows some balls, comes flat out and says: &quot;You're fuckin' dead... ''and'' your friends, too.&quot; Beautiful. And what if there was a sequel? It would have to say somethin' even worse. Like, I got it. I got a good idea of what it should say. It should say:
:'''&quot;You're dead.'''
:'''Your friends are dead.'''
:'''Your family's dead.'''
:'''Your fuckin' pets are bein' skinned alive.'''
:'''Your mom's a fuckin' whore.'''
:'''You suck at life.'''
:'''The whole world hates you.'''
:'''You're goin' to hell.'''
:'''Live with it.'''
:'''Game Over.&quot;'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I'd rather play ''Doom'' on Atari. I'd rather play ''Halo'' on a Tiger Electronics wrist game. I'd rather drown in diarrhea. I'd rather fuckin' eat my fuckin' balls off and puke 'em out my fuckin' ass! I'd rather piss a cactus out of my dick! The music is fuckin' worse than life itself, and I'd turn the volume down except for the fact that I have to hear the Jason Alarm! It's all just a test of patience, and it can kiss ''my fuckin’ asshole!''

=== [[w:A Nightmare on Elm Street (video game)#video games|A Nightmare on Elm Street]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': Could the villains be any more stock? Like, we have this creepy game about Freddy. What kind of creepy characters can we add? Well, how about bats, ghosts, spiders, skeletons, Frankensteins for the kiddies? Could it be any more un-creative than that? Like, why don't they just add some witches, black cats, and flying jack-o'-lanterns? They should've just called the game &quot;Boo! Haunted House!&quot; Which is probably what they originally had in mind, until they thought, &quot;No, wait, make it about [[w:Freddy Kreuger|Freddy]]. We already ruined ''Friday the 13th,'' now let's do the same thing to ''Nightmare on Elm Street.&quot;'' And that's right. It's by the same company. We're not gonna say who it is, but it stands for &quot;[[w:LJN|Laughin' Jokin' Numbnuts]].&quot;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, God! Is Freddy comin'? He sure is! Of all the shitty things in this game, this screen is so cheesy that it's just awesome. But it's ruined by the fuckin' trademark symbol! ''[zooms in on the trademark symbol next to Freddy's name]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': You know what's really weird? That this game was actually capable of a 4-player mode using an accessory that allows four controllers to be connected to your Nintendo Entertainment System? Now, I can't imagine having four people playing this game. Who's gonna want to play this piece of shit? I'm lucky if I can get one other person! I have a better chance of cloning myself.
:''[Four Nerds play the game together, yelling things such as &quot;This is fuckin' fuck!&quot;, &quot;It's diarrhea fuck!&quot;, &quot;This game is horrible!&quot;, &quot;Diarrhea fuck.&quot;, &quot;It sucks!&quot;, &quot;It's fuck!&quot;, &quot;It's balls!&quot;, &quot;What a piece of fuck.&quot;, &quot;What a fuckload of fuck.&quot;, and &quot;What a piece of fuckin' fuck.&quot;]''
:'''Back Nerd''': Hey, wait. Wait, wait, wait. I just cloned myself. I'm in a dream, I can do whatever I want, so why don't we all just stop playin' this fuckin' game?
:'''Left Nerd''': Yeah.
:'''Back Nerd''': So, the fuck with that fuck.
:'''Right Nerd''': Yeah, the fuck with that... godfuckingdamn fuck.
:'''True Nerd''': The fuck with that godfuckingdamn... '''''fuckin'''''' fuck.
:'''Left Nerd''': &lt;big&gt;'''''THE FUCK WITH THAT GODFUCKINGDAMN MOTHERFUCKIN' BULLFUCK!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''True Nerd''': Relax.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Freddy Krueger''': Whoa! Look at me! I'm the fuckin' Nerd! What a piece of fuck! Buffalo diarrhea fuckfarts! You see, Nerd? Nobody makes you play these games but yourself. So, you're your own damn nightmare. Now, you're gonna die.
:'''The Nerd''': Go yank your cock through your fuck, you fuckin' butt mongrel: I got the ''Power Glove!''

=== [[w:Power Glove|Power Glove]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': [[w:The Wizard (1989 film)|I love the Power Glove. It's so bad.]] And I mean ''bad''. This thing is bad. Why need a glove to play a game? What's wrong with this? ''[grabs the regular NES controller]'' Huh? I don't know. I thought this was okay, playing it, you know, with a controller. So if anything, the Power Glove, it's an interesting experiment in gaming technology. But too bad they were just fuckin' jerkin' off! Like, why does it suck so bad? Well, I have one complaint, ''[flashes middle finger]'' ''one fuckin' complaint'' about this glove; It doesn't work.  Now, what's the most important aspect about any game? Well, being able to fuckin' play it!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[Plays [[w:Jackal (video game)|Jackal]] and reads the opening screen's text]'' &quot;'''This battle will make your blood boil. Good luck!'''&quot; &quot;Good luck&quot; is right. I'm using the fuckin' Power Glove.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[plays [[w:Rad Racer|Rad Racer]] with the Power Glove]'' You know what's really cool about ''Rad Racer?'' That if you push &quot;Select&quot;... ''[pushes &quot;Select&quot;]'' ...the game goes ''3D.'' I'm playing ''Rad Racer'' with the Power Glove ''and'' 3D glasses. Ya can't get any more rad than that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Wow. Playing ''[[w:Top Gun (video game)#Original releases|Top Gun]]'' with the Power Glove. [[The Angry Video Game Nerd#Toxic Crusaders|It's like pukin' on a pile of shit]]. [in-game, &quot;'''TO LANDING SEQUENCE'''&quot;] Oh, my God. What the fuck am I doing? I'm tryin' to land the plane in Top Gun with the Power Glove? I can't even land it with the regular controller. ''[he manages to successfully land the plane; surprised, he takes a quick glance at the Power Glove, and looks back at the screen]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': If you want to bring a totally new element of challenge to your Nintendo games, try the Power Glove, 'cause it sure makes everything a lot harder. It's just a barely functional contraption designed to rip off little kids. It's the biggest scam since the Atari 5200 controller. The only kids who owned this were usually the richer ones who thought they were cool. Well, they're not cool. I'm not cool, either. Look at me. You think I'm cool? I've got a fuckin' glove on my hand. I'm tryin' to play a fuckin' game with it. I look like an idiot with [[w:A Fistful of Dollars|a fistful of fuck.]] ''[pretends to shoot his fingers off with the grey 1985 NES Zapper, leaving only his middle finger, which he flashes.]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Now you're playing with power. Now you're playing with fuckin' fuck! You're better off fuckin' fuck than fuckin' with this fucked-up fuck! Fuck this fuck! You don't know fuck about how fuckin' fucky this fuckin' fuck is! It's so bad it sucks. It's so fuckin' suck it fucks! And I...can't take it anymore. ''[holds bottle of Rolling Rock which he drinks while wearing the Power Glove, accompanied by the &quot;Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!!&quot; Game Over Theme]''

=== Chronologically Confused ===
:'''AVGN''': ''(talking about the [[w:Mega Man|Mega Man]] series)'' What's this? Mega Man Battle network series? [[w:Mega Man 64|Mega Man 64]]? Did they really make it that far? No, that was just the Nintendo 64's stupid gimmick of putting 64 at the end of every fucking title.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': So when [[w:Final Fantasy VII|Final Fantasy VII]] came out, they just called it Final Fantasy VII and that's when the confusion began. I wondered what the fuck happened to IV V and VI?! But what I really should've been wondering, little did I know, what the fuck happened to II III and V? And once I figured that out, I was like,&quot;So there were other Final Fantasy games we didn't know about?&quot; I was playing VI all along and not III? What a fuckin' bunch of fuckin' bullfuck!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The Star Trek series did the same thing. Right now, there's ten of them. Star Trek I-VI were all numbered. But when they stopped using the original cast from the show and started using the cast from Star Trek: The Next Generation, they dropped the numbers from the films and called them: Star Trek Generations, Star Trek First Contact, Star Trek Insurrection and Star Trek Nemesis. Okay, well that's real fine. But where did the fucking numbers go? If they couldn't call Star Trek Generations, Star Trek VII then why didn't they call it Star Trek The Next Generation off the show and then call the next one Star Trek The Next Generation II and just start a new line of sequels? 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The title of [[w:Bruce Lee|Bruce Lee's]] first film was called ''[[w:The Big Boss|The Big Boss]]'', but when they released it in the U.S., the American distributors or whoever was responsible decided to change the title to ''Fists of Fury''. Well okay, that's just fine, but the next one happened to be called ''[[w:Fist of Fury|Fist Of Fury]]''. So, uh oh, we fucked up! What are we going to call it here in the U.S.? We can't call it ''Fist of Fury'' because we changed the last one to ''Fists of Fury''. Call it ''The Chinese Connection'' and from now on, just call the movies whatever the fuck they're originally called.

=== [[w:Rocky (1987 video game)|Rocky]] ===
:'''AVGN''': ''(Regarding the training sequences)'' Cock-a-fuckin'-doodle-ass-shit-suckin'-bullfuck! This is fuckin' boring!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(On the convoluted controls as described in the game manual)'' So did you get that? Well, let me sum it up. It stinks!
:'''Rocky''': That's right, it stinks!
:'''AVGN''': It's a bunch of putrid anal shit coming out of a rhinoceros' asshole. It fucks up the fuck, fucks out the mouth, piss out the nose, dookie out the ear, diarrhea out the dick, fucks for the birds! The control in this game... is pooh-pooh.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': This game is fuck. I'd rather take a bath in elephant feces. I'd rather eat raw eggs.

=== Bible Games ===
:'''AVGN''': ''(Playing [[w:Bible Adventures|Bible Adventures]], reviewing &quot;Noah's Ark&quot;; regarding the character Noah, who literally picks up animals and puts them in the ark in the game)'' I just can't get over that. He's an old man, and not only does he pick the animals up, he lifts them over his head! It doesn't even slow him down. How could such an old man be so strong? Have you ever tried to lift a horse? Not that easy. What the shit!? Let alone a horse and an ox!? Or fuck! A horse, a cow, and two oxen!? What the fuckin' shit!? Noah's so goddamn strong, he puts [[w:The Incredible Hulk|The Hulk]] to shame. And the poor creatures, they're so scared shitless, they don't even try to get away. Noah, man. Nobody fucks with him. Not even [[w:Chuck Norris|Chuck Norris]]!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(Reviewing &quot;David and Goliath&quot;)'' And you know what? All three games use the same music. You'd rather listen to your own infant son puking to death. That is, choking on his own puke-chunks. ''(long pause)'' That's disgusting. I apologize.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(reviewing [[w:Bible Buffet|Bible Buffet]] on NES, responding to its in-game voice clips)'' That voice is just crazy! I-I dunno what it is, but it just sounds out of place. Not that anything is ''in'' place, but I dunno. It's so rare to hear such a clear voice in a Nintendo game. But I suppose it's also rare for Nintendo to have a Bible game with no references to the Bible, resembling Atari, that's all about food trying to kill you, yet it's also a board game rip-off with quizzes that you can't answer, and, if it's a Bible game, why do you blow a snowman's head off? Whatever happened to &quot;[[Book of Exodus|Thou shall not kill]]&quot;? Please, somebody tell me! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''[ [[w:Invisible Touch (song)|Invisible Touch]] is heard in the background]'' So let's play another bible game. It's the Book of Genesis on [[w:Sega Genesis|Sega Genesis]]. And the soundtrack is [[w:Genesis (band)|Genesis]]. ...I'm just making this up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''[Playing [[w:Super 3D Noah's Ark|Super Noah's Ark 3D]]]'' Listen to how cheerful the music is. ''(Theme from Super 3D Noah's ark plays)'' Wow, that's great. It's just what you need is some really upbeat music to go along with Noah getting murdered by a bunch of fucking goats!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I’d rather fuck a porcupine and shove a cactus up my ass! I'd rather slurp crap oozing out of a warthog's anus-hole! It's just a bunch of poopy diarrhea doodoo ass-shit!

== Season Two ==

=== [[w:Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III Part One]] ===

:'''The Nerd''': (sighs) ''Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III'' ''(he slaps the tape back into its case as it starts to fall out)'' SUCKS SHIT! Not even regular shit. Putrid, barfed-out roadkill diarrhea shit. Now you might be sayin', &quot;Well that's your opinion.&quot; Well yeah, it is. It's my opinion, that it's a motherfuckin' fact, that this pile of dog shit called ''Ninja Turtles III'' is the most god-awful disgrace in human existence! Now, I know you've seen a lot of bad movies. But, no, let me tell you, this movie is '''BAD.''' Like, how bad? Like, is it the worst of the ''Turtles'' trilogy? Oh, undeniably, but that's not the point. My point, is that this is the worst fuckin' movie I've ever seen in my life! Now, I can tell you from the perspective of a 12-year-old and a 26-year-old, that it needs to rot in Hell, in Satan's asshole. Now what I mean by that is I was 12 the first time I saw the movie, in the theaters in 1993, and I was such a big Turtle fan, I just accepted it. I just held the truth inside. And, you know it's just been tearin' away at me all these years. And now, lookin' back at it, I just gotta come clean and honest, man. I just gotta let it all out. THIS MOVIE... is '''FUCKIN' TERRIBLE!''' ''(punches the tape)''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': &quot;Why was there no subtitle in the movie?&quot; They subtitled the last movie. Well, I have an answer. Look under that title. You see that blank, empty space? Let that be an indication of the blank, empty imagination employ within and the void it left in our hearts.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(criticizing the inferior animatronics)'' Is this movie made for little kids? Well, I guess it is, so the joke's on me. The worst of all is Splinter. He looks like fuckin' roadkill! And I guess they never finished him because you only see his upper body. He's like a puppet that should be used on Sesame Street. Even worse is his voice!
:'''Splinter''': Have patience, my son.
:'''AVGN''': What an assload of fuck! Well, everything sucks.

=== [[w:Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III Part Two]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''[on Walker's death scene]'' Now, I gotta pause this because I gotta ask, how many times have you seen this shot in a movie? Way too fuckin' much. It was one of the biggest clichés of the time. What happened at the end of Batman? The Joker falls, same shot. What happens at the end of Dick Tracy? Big Boy falls, same thing. But Turtles III takes this cliché to a whole new level. I mean, a whole new level. Watch what happens when Walker hits the water.
:''[Walker screams while he falls to his death, and the water splashes]''
:'''The Nerd''': Did you see that? Here it goes again.
:''[The scene is repeated]''
:'''The Nerd''': There's no splash. Instead, he disappears. But he doesn't disappear. He like, implodes into himself. I'm really stunned, like why'd they do this? They couldn't do a special effect for a splash? But, what they could do is make him implode. Now, if you couldn't make a splash, why couldn't you just cut away, and then, just leave the sound of the splash? That would've actually been more effective. I can re-edit it right now. Watch.
:''[Walker screams while he falls to his death, and the scene cuts to the Turtles with the sound of the splash intact]''
:'''The Nerd:''' See? That's all they had to do, so why make the weird imploding effect? What were they thinking?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Cowabunga. Cowa-fuckin'-piece-of-dog-fuck! I'd rather watch fuck oozing out of a buffalo's fuckhole. I'd rather fucking puke diarrhea up my dick. It fucking sucks so much fucking suck, it fucks. It fucking sucks so much cocksucker motherfucker bullfuck that...well, something must be done.
:''[The Nerd takes the movie, looks at it, then sets on floor before taking out a katana. He braces it, aims it, then splits the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III VHS tape in two. Then he switches to a hammer.]''
:'''The Nerd''':  IT'S HAMMER TIME!
:''[He smashes the video until all of it is smashed to bits, and he sighs angrily. The camera pans to see the destruction of the VHS copy of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III, accompanied by the level complete music from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for the NES, before the scene fades to black.]''

=== [[w:Atari 5200|Atari 5200]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Look at how huge this beast is, it's ginormous! And why is there a door on it? Is this a video game console, or a fucking closet? Even the AC Adapter weighs a million tons.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': What's the most important aspect about any fucking game? Well, being able to fucking play it. And what do you need to fucking play it? A fucking controller! So what do you do when the controller doesn't work? You're fucked! This is the reason the system failed. ''This.'' In the name of God, Heaven and Hell; everything in between, every creature on Earth; by the far reaches of the Galaxy; by the inner rings on the Universe and... every Megaverse and the Ultraverse, let it be known. Let the word be known. This controller... is ''fuckin' horrible''!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Then there's all these numeric buttons. Like, what the shit is this? Is this thing a phone? Like, what is all this for? Is it, like, talking to intergalactic space aliens, flying fuckernauts or astrobastards?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''[unable to play the Atari 5200 due to defective controllers]''  As for the 5200, there's third party controllers made for replacing the shitty controller that the system came with. So let's take a trip into the cyber world known as the internet and take a look. ''[Goes to his computer and the Ebay website. Finds a listing that says &quot;ATARI 5200 CONTROLLER - Works fucking better!&quot;]''

=== [[w:Ghostbusters (video game)|Ghostbusters]]===
:'''The Nerd:''' So, I just wanted to take you back to the '80s, when ''Ghostbusters'' and Nintendo were the best things in the world. Now, the Nintendo Entertainment System, I believe needs no introduction. So, when we heard that a ''Ghostbusters'' '''game''' for Nintendo was coming out, we were so excited we shit our pants. Literally, ''shit'' came out our asses and we rocketed through the roof! It was two of our favorite things comin' together, should have been like bread and butter. But more like dead skunk and dog shit! ''(He inserts the cartridge into the NES.)'' You pop this piece of crap in, expecting ''Ghostbusters,'' and whaddya get? Well, ''Ghostbusters''. Got the logo there, looks promising enough. But are you willing to bet that it's gonna get really bad once you start playin'? Yeah, well, guess what? It gets bad as soon as you press the Start button. ''(The Nerd presses the Start button) '' ''(an extremely low-bit &quot;GHOSTBUSTERS!&quot; sound can be heard on the TV)'' The fuck was that?! ''(the low-bit &quot;GHOSTBUSTERS!&quot; repeats)'' &quot;Gowsht Bushterrrsh!&quot; ''(the low-bit &quot;GHOSTBUSTERS!&quot; repeats again)'' Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not tryna to criticize the game for its lack of voice clarity, but ya hear how bad this sounds? Let this set the tone for the rest of the game.
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(Game starts)'' So, here's the main screen. This is it. This is ''Ghostbusters'' on Nintendo. This is my wasted childhood you're lookin' at. I don't even need to comment. Just look at it, it's shits for the birds! Okay, we gotta come up with a game about ''Ghostbusters'', what can we do? How about just have the ''Ghostbusters'' logo floatin' around playin' tag with cute, little yellow ghosts? So if you like ''Ghostbusters'', it's right up your alley. More like up your ASS!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Does there exist any store that sells... a ghost vacuum? Let's find out. ''(The Nerd turns on his cellphone and punches in a phone number)''
:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;Hi, do you sell vacuums?&quot;
:'''Manager:''' &quot;Uh, yes.&quot;
:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;Um, yeah, uh, I'm lookin' for a special kinda vacuum. It's like, shaped like a funnel, sorta.&quot;
:'''Manager:''' &quot;Hmm, what kind of vacuum?&quot;
:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;It's like, shaped like a funnel, like you put it on the roof of your car.&quot;
:'''Manager:''' &quot;You want a vacuum to clean your car?&quot;
:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;No, you put it '''on''' the top of your car... like while you're drivin'...?&quot;
:'''Manager:''' &quot;To, t-,t-, you want a vacuum to clean?&quot;
:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;No, y'know, these vacuums are for catchin' ghosts...&quot; ''(The Nerd struggles to contain laughter)''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Oh please, Game Genie, grant me three wishes!

=== [[w:Ghostbusters video games|Ghostbusters Followup]] ===

:'''The Nerd''': ''[when he talks about the ending of Ghostbusters on NES]'' Well, first of all, &quot;'''Conglaturation !!!'''&quot; is spelled wrong, but it's not even a simple typo. Two letters in two different places are wrong which probably means they really didn't know how to spell it. So that's 20 points off for that just because it's such an atrocious misspelling. But then why isn't it plural? You don't usually say &quot;Congratulation.&quot;, you say &quot;Congratulation''s''&quot;. So technically it's got nothing to do with the spelling, it's a different error altogether. So that's another ten points for that. Then, &quot;'''You have completed a great game.'''&quot;!? Well that's just simply wrong, 20 points for that statement. Even if it was a great game, it shouldn't have to announce it. So then you have a punctuation error, because the next sentence begins with &quot;'''And'''&quot;. Then you got an extra O in &quot;'''prooved'''&quot;. And proved what? &quot;'''prooved the justice of our culture.'''&quot;? So it's saying that you proved that our culture has justice? I don't know. &quot;'''Now go and rest our heroes !'''&quot; Instead of &quot;Now go and rest, comma, our heroes&quot;, it's telling you to go rest our heroes. Okay, well, sorry to say but we had to take off 90 points. But hey, a score of 10% means that there's still hope. But wait, is there any reason that there's one exclamation mark here (at Heroes !) and then there's three up there (after Conglaturation !!!)? That's another 10 points off for lack of consistency with a total score of zero. F-minus. It should have said...

:'''Congratulations!'''
:'''You had the patience to sit through this awful game.'''
:'''You proved your nerdiness.'''
:'''Now go fuck yourself!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''The Nerd''': ''(reviewing ''Ghostbusters'' on the Sega Master System, commenting on how the controllable logo leaves black dots on the streets it crosses)'' I don't exactly understand the idea of dropping poop everywhere you go. Thought the Ghostbusters are in a car, not a horse and buggy.

=== [[w:Ghostbusters video games|Ghostbusters Conclusion]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''[Playing [[w:Ghostbusters II (NES)|''Ghostbusters 2'']] for [[w:Nintendo Entertainment System|NES]], commenting on its level setup]'' And that's what I'm fuckin' talking about. ''Ghostbusters'' should be nothing more complicated than just running around, zapping ghosts! So it's a huge, '''''huge''''' improvement over the first game. But that's not saying much. It still sucks monkey fuck and pukes diarrhea up your fucking asshole. And that's interesting, because the movie [[w:Ghostbusters II|''Ghostbusters II'']] is definitely inferior to the first one. So, I guess the formula works like this: A good movie equals... a shitty, fuckin' game. ''But,'' ''[throws game to ground]'' a ''not''-so-good movie equals a game... that's not ''as'' shitty.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' It's also stupid that A shoots slime, and B jumps. Usually, it's the other way around. As for Start and Select, they don't do donkey dick. Usually Start is &quot;Pause&quot;, but here, there's no fuckin' way to pause the damn game. ''[throws controller to the floor]''
:'''The Nerd''': I mean, if you've gotta go answer the phone, or take a shit, it's like, tough shit if you gotta take a shit! You gotta take a quick shit! You gotta have turbo turds! I'm trying to play the game, I got shit stains in my pants, and an answering message on my phone that says, &quot;Sorry. I'm playing ''Ghostbusters 2'' on Nintendo.&quot; What a selfish game. BOTTOM LINE, HAVE A FUCKIN' PAUSE BUTTON! GODDAMMIT! ''[throws an Ecto-1 toy to the ground]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[reviewing ''Ghostbusters'' on [[w:Sega Genesis|Sega Genesis]]]'' I like this? I can't believe what I'm saying.
:'''The Nerd''': I think the world is coming to an end. Seriously, like [[Ghostbusters|fire and brimstone coming down from the skies. Rivers and seas boiling! 40 years of darkness! Earthquakes! Volcanoes! The dead rising from their graves! Human sacrifice, dogs and cats livin' together, mass hysteria!]] But don't worry, I'll find something about it that sucks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' Guess what the toughest enemies in the game are? Coffee cups. You'd think they'd shatter after just one hit, but no. They take forever to break. I don't get it. Lots of the enemies are just annihilated after just one hit, but not those. Don't fuck with the coffee cups.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' The boss battles are cool, although sometimes really random, like this blue guy that comes apart. Come on, die! Alright-- Oh, he's still got a head! Yeah! You got the crystal monkey man, the evil snowman, the fire dragon, the flame guy, the face that emerges from the wall, the woman who multiplies into three; gotta shoot the real one. Then there's the Grim Reaper who looks like Dracula from [[w:Castlevania II: Simon's Quest|''Castlevania II,'']] then there's the plant which reminds me of [[w:The Little Shop of Horrors|''Little Shop of Horrors,'']] which is an interesting connection because [[w:Rick Moranis|Rick Moranis]] starred in [[w:Little Shop of Horrors (film)|the remake]], and he was Louis in ''Ghostbusters.'' Then you got Stay Puft who relentlessly attacks you during the stage, but then at the end, you finally get to punish him for all the shit he put you through. Die! Die! Get him, get him, get him, get him, get him, get him! Yeah! He's dead as shit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' In a sea of terrible ''Ghostbusters'' games, this one ''[Ghostbusters for Sega Genesis]'' stands out, and it's still fun to play. If you can somehow get your hands on it, I'd check it out.
:'''The Nerd''': So, this concludes my 3-part review of all the ''Ghostbusters'' games that I can get my hands on. Is it kinda ironic that I end on one that's actually kinda decent? I don't know. I mean, is it anymore ironic that [[w:Lorenzo Music|the same guy who did the voice for Garfield]] did the voice for Peter Venkman in the ''Ghostbusters'' cartoon? Well, Bill Murray was a live-action Peter Venkman, and he also did the voice of Garfield in [[w:Garfield: The Movie|the movie]].
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' And one more thing: ''[[w:Ghostbusters: Afterlife|Ghostbusters 3]]''. Is it ''really'' gonna happen? ''Should'' it happen? Well, if they made ''The Santa Clause 3,'' ''Free Willy 3,'' ''Home Alone 3,'' ''Psycho 3,'' ''The Neverending Story 3,'' ''Problem Child 3,'' and about ten thousand ''Scary Movie'' and ''American Pie'' sequels, all the crap that gets shat out of Hollywood's big fat fuckin' ass, I don't see why ''Ghostbusters 3'' shouldn't get made. I grew up with those movies. I would love to see those guys put on the proton packs one more time. Even if the whole movie's just the Ghostbusters sittin' around takin' a shit, I'd go see it.

=== [[w:Spider-Man video games|Spider-Man]] ===

:'''Kyle Justin as Spider-Man:''' ''(on ''Spider-Man'' on Atari 2600)'' '''THIS GAME SUCKS MY SPIDER-BALLS!''' IT'S HORRIBLE!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(on ''Spider-Man: Return of the Sinister Six'')'' The game's ''Spider-Man: Return of the Sinister Shit''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Spider-Man:''' ''(hitting himself with the Game Boy in frustration)'' What the fuck is wrong with these game designers?! They don't know what the fuck they're doing! I can't believe they did this to me! They made a game out of me and it's fuckin' shit!! IT'S HORRIBLE! ''(throws the Game Boy to the ground)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Spider-Man:''' ''(while AVGN jokes about the pizza-delivering objectives early in ''Spider-Man 2'' on Game Boy Advance)'' I'm a super hero. I shouldn't be known as a pizza delivery man.
:'''AVGN''': I wish Spider-Man would deliver my pizzas every day.
:'''Spider-Man:''' ''(raises middle finger to AVGN)'' I'm gonna fucking shove a pizza up your fuckin' ass!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Kyle Justin:''' (singing to the tune of the Spider-Man theme song)
:''Spider-Man, Spider-Man''
:''Takes a dump in a coffee can''
:''Plays some games with a grudge''
:''Gonna shit out some anal fudge''
:''Look out, here comes some shitty games''
:''Alcohol is his power source''
:''Takes a piss like a drunken horse''
:''Climbs a wall, then he falls''
:''This game sucks his spider-balls''
:''Oh no, he's playing the shitty games''
:''When he plays his games''
:''He feels so ashamed''
:''He shoots web from his wrist''
:''But now Spider-Man's fucking pissed''

=== [[w:Sega CD|Sega CD]] ===

:'''The Nerd''':  Wow. It's like you get to play the games on a CD! Check out the graphics! Full motion video, opposed to video that ''isn't'' full motion! 64 simultaneous colors! 12.5 MHz processor! '''''Holy shit!''''' This thing is total '''''FUCKIN' GAR-BITCH!''''' How would you like it if I conduct the rest of the video like this? ''(screen becomes smaller and the video choppier, like the Sega CD's &quot;FMV.&quot;)'' &quot;Full motion video&quot;, my fuck! I'd rather be full fuckin' screen!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So you put the fuckin' game in, and oh, guess what? It runs off of its own power adapter. Yeah, that's two. One for the Genesis and one for the Sega CD. If it can't run off the same power, why couldn't it just be its own independent system? Instead it's like a fuckin' parasite or somethin'. Then there's this problem: the load time. Load of fuck! You could go dump your fuck in the fucking time it takes. So if you're gonna play the Sega CD, grab a fucking beer and be patient.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[[w:The Adventures of Willy Beamish|Willy Beamish]]''. The teacher talks to you, and you come up with answers. Should I say, &quot;Oh, that was my frog, Horny.&quot;? The frog's name is &quot;Horny&quot;?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd: '''Now we got ''Sol-Feace''. More like ''Sol-Feces''! Well, holy shit, I gotta be honest. It reminds me of ''R-Type'' or ''LifeForce'', and that's pretty cool, so all I gotta say is, this one's not bad.

=== [[w:Sega 32X|Sega 32X]] ===

:'''The Nerd''': The Sega CD had its place in history. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's a piece of shit. But it had a certain appeal. The 32X is the real deal. It sucks. Oh God, it sucks. You plop it on the top of the Genesis, like they're mating. God, I mean, do you think that's enough add-ons? It doesn't even look aesthetically presentable. I mean, it's just like an ugly tumor. I mean, did they really need all this bullshit leeching on the Genesis? That poor Genesis is just thinking: &quot;Oh, please, God, take this shit off me.&quot; It's like getting gang-raped. Both of its slots are getting ''fucked'' at the same time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''(plugging in the power adapters for the game consoles)'' Here goes the Genesis, the Sega CD, and... bullshit. What a load of fucking bullshit. How did they fuck this up so bad? I can't even turn it the other way because it doesn't fit. Why can I only plug in two power adapters? Why can't these go sideways? Or, better yet, why the Hell do they have these box things? Why can't it just be like this? ''(ends in a thin plug)'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''(playing [[w:Primal Rage|Primal Rage]] with only the background visible)'' Great title screen, huh? There isn't even any title at all. ''(cuts to the character select menu, where once again no characters are visible)'' What is this? Wh-wait a minute. Oh, please, God, tell me what's going on. Why can't I see the characters? I'm playing ''Invisible Primal Rage''! Alright, let's try [[w:Virtua Fighter (video game)|Virtua Fighter]]. ''(the characters aren't visible here either)'' What the FUCK?! Guess what, we left something out.  There's another cable which connects the Genesis to the 32X. Isn't it enough that the damn thing is inserted on to the ''top'' of the Genesis? Why does it need another connector? 'Look at this. It's a fuckin' mess. And what a perfect visual analogy. Sega invented the 32X to increase the lifespan of the Genesis, and that's exactly what the friggin' thing looks like. It's on life support.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': And just to celebrate their failure, or just for shits and giggles, they released a few '''CD-32X''' games, which required both the 32X ''and'' the Sega CD. So, if you happened to own ''this'' pile of vomit and ''this'' piece of shit'','' you can mix the two together.

=== [[w:Silver Surfer (video game)|Silver Surfer]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' Alright, this is ''Silver Surfer''. Silver Shit! ''(inserts game into NES and turns it on)'' He looks so ''stupid!'' I mean, what the hell's wrong with him? He's just like... like... ''(The Nerd tries to imitate Silver Surfer's pose.)''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' What'd I say before? This game's not bad? Well, no. It isn't bad. '''''It's FUCKIN' HORRIBLE!''''' And I ''dare'' you to play it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' I can't take it anymore. ''(Drinks some Yuengling)'' You know... there's really no point of going on. It's not like there's a reward, like there's a pot of gold sittin' on top of the TV. You know if you beat the game, it probably just says &quot;The End&quot;, and that's it. So to keep playing it, you gotta be a fuckin' nerd.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' I mean this game just pukes snot up my ass. It's like you touch the top of the building, you die, you touch the ceiling, you die, you touch the floor, you die, too far to the right, you die, too far to the left, you die, you die, you die, you die, die, ''die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die,'' '''DIE!''' ''(lies on the floor, holds his eyes in anger, and mimics the game over screen) (upset voice)'' Oh, God, I can't fuckin' stand it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' This game is so hard, it would actually be easier to go outside in a thunderstorm and try to dodge rain. It would be easier to walk barefoot, without your toes or heels touching the floor. It'd be easier to pick fly shit out of pepper... while wearing boxing gloves! The fact you can get hit only once, pretty much means that you're weaker than every other enemy in the game. HOW DO YOU DIE FROM JUST TOUCHING A WALL?! I can understand if he's flying at like 200 miles per hour and he ''crashes'' into the wall, but the fact that he just ''touches'' the wall and dies is just ridiculous. I never read any of the comics, so I don't know what Silver Surfer's powers are, but isn't he supposed to be pretty strong? So why'd they make him into a wimp?! Why is he fuckin' up rubber ducks and weepin' like a crybaby? It's like some sort of fuckin' joke! Like what if they had Bruce Lee tripping over his own shoelaces? It's a fuckin' insult! This game should've been classic! But instead, it's worthless! It's as worthless as this fuckin' LJN poster I have back here! Man, I would just piss and shit all over this fuckin' game! In fact, JUST THINKING ABOUT IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE HAVIN' AN ANAL EVACUATION! ''(Swigs some Yuengling)'' Fuck...! ''(Gets up, takes game out, and then throws it against the wall)''

=== [[w:Die Hard (video game)|Die Hard]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': Somewhere up here, there's a rope which, I don't know if it's important or not. You blow up this gym locker or whatever it is and he says, &quot;'''I'd have to be desperate to tie that on and jump off! No, thanks!'''&quot; Are you kidding me? Have you ever had a video game character talk back to you and say, &quot;No, I'm not gonna do that!&quot;? Going back to ''Mario'' again, what if Mario just said &quot;You know, I'm really not feeling up to jumping over that platform. No, thanks!&quot;? This is ridiculous. I mean, he won't climb down with a rope, but he'll jump out a window and fucking kill himself?!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So, I'm taking the stairs down, now I found some blueprint of the 5th floor. Whoa! Now we're talking about the 5th floor? &quot;Take out the main computer&quot;? I'm getting confused. So, I'm going around, trying to kill people, and Officer Carl Winslow keeps talking to me. So, I'm just walking around, waiting for whatever random stuff to happen, then the police car blows up! I'm like, &quot;What does this have to do with anything?&quot; But then Steve Urkel comes on! I'm like, &quot;What the fuck!?&quot;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': There's guys around every corner, there's guys coming out of the elevator, there's guys coming out of your ass, it's crazy!

=== [[w:Independence Day (video game)|Independence Day]] ===

:'''AVGN''': '''Oh God...''' '''Oh ''God!''''' Let me ask a question: what do you get when you take a movie, that's ASS, and you make it into a game? You get a pieceashit! Now, if you get a piece of ass, that's... a good thing. But if you get a pieceaSHIT, you don't want that! And this of course, is ''[[w:Independence Day (video game)|Independence Day]]'' for the [[w:PlayStation (console)|Playstation]]. I don't even wanna talk about this. It's makin' me sick. MAKIN' ME '''''SICK!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I think it's a graphic flaw. Nothing appears until it's right up in your fuckin' face! What the '''ASS''' is that all about? To describe this game's assness, all I can say is, it's ''very'' ass.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The radar doesn't do diddly dick! It's too small, it makes no fuckin' sense, and...I don't like it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The worst thing about this is that it makes me feel really guilty to be playing it! Like I should be doing something better with my time—like rolling dog turds in cement! Like, I gotta get away from this game! I gotta get out of this room! I gotta go out somewhere &amp; do something wild—like get a tattoo on my face of a goat holding up a baby snorting cocaine off its penis!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': You know, I played a lotta fuck in my day, but this game is... ''FUCK.'' The lack of music, the droning effect it has, it reminds me of somethin' very similar. Something from the past. ''Top Gun'' on the NES. ''[Top Gun music and screenshots from game accompany The Nerd's speech.]'' While I hated it and it drove me insane, I would rather play this than ''Independence Day''. In fact, just thinkin' about it is like a breath of fresh air. Makes me feel like a shitty log comin' out of a buffalo's ass and landin' in a bowl of M&amp;Ms.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Now, as always, I don't care if you agree with my opinions on games, but what I do care, you enjoy the video, you have a great 4th of July, drink some beers, but be safe, and most important - celebrate ''your'' independence ''not'' to play ''shitty fuckin' games.''

=== [[w:list of The Simpsons video games|The Simpsons]] ===
:'''AVGN''': Bringing back the horrible memories of these games can best be described like this: Imagine if you trapped a wet, smelly piece of dog shit inside an airtight container. Then, like twenty years later, you open that shit up, you take a good smell, and there you go. Welcome back.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(playing ''Bart vs. the Space Mutants'')'' It's strangely satisfying to jump on those aliens' heads. After all, don't you wish you could just go around killing aliens? Not making purple things not purple? Why not just fucking shit all over 'em and make everything brown?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I just wanted to point out that for a game titled &quot;''Bart vs. the World''&quot;, there really isn't a lot of &quot;the world&quot; in the game. No shit, right? Just Egypt, China, the North Pole, and Hollywood? Pretty fucking educational, right? When I was eleven years old, my whole world was video games, just locked in my room playing ''Bart vs. the Space Mutants'' and all this crap. And I wasted all my time on this shit! I want it back! It ruined my life! ''(drinks beer)'' Bart's my ass and Krusty's my balls! Fuck this shit. Now I'm gonna eat my own shorts. ''(the Nerd puts his beer down, rips out his boxers with his teeth, and devours it in a ravenous manner)''

=== [[w:The Bugs Bunny Birthday Blowout|The Bugs Bunny Birthday Blowout]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''(sarcastically)'' Wow, how awesome could ''this'' be? ''Bugs Bunny's Birthday Blowout.'' Well, it was a blowout, alright. Blowout your FUCK!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Yeah, this game's really a no-brainer. ''[drinks beer]''
:''[Bugs Bunny appears in Nerd's room]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[spits out beer]'' '''''OH MY GOD! IT'S BUGS BUNNY!'''''
:'''Bugs Bunny''':  Nyah... ''[eats carrot]'' What’s up, Doc?
:'''The Nerd''': ''[walks up to Bugs]'' I can't believe it! In my own house! Bugs Bunny! '''''BUGS FUCKIN' BUNNY!''''' ''[punches Bugs in the stomach and in the face]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': This game is garbage!
:'''Bugs Bunny''': Nyaaaah-
:'''The Nerd''': ''[grabs Bugs by the ears and pounds his head on the floor; the commas that follow mark the head pounding]'' '''''I'D RATHER PUT MY BALLS IN A CROCODILE'S MOUTH, WHILE SHOVING MY HEAD UP A UNICORN'S ASSHOLE!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Bugs Bunny:''' Nyah, what's up, fuck-cock vagina fuck-fuck?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Bugs Bunny:''' Nyah, ain't I a fockin' stinker, motherfucker?!
:'''The Nerd''': Ain't you a godfuckingdamn fockin' pieceashit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[after finding out Bugs' friends were pulling pranks on him]'' I'LL SHOW ''YOU'' SOME FUNNY TRICKS! ''[headbutts Bugs and starts punching him]''
:'''Bugs''': ''[while being pummeled]'' Nyyyyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaah, what's up, '''''COCK?!'''''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[kicks him in the face]'' I'll show you what's up, you fuckin' bunny piece of fuck!

&lt;hr width= &quot;50%&gt;

:'''The Nerd''': ''[While punching Bugs Bunny]'' '''BUGS BUNNY'S BIRTHDAY BLOWOUT? WELL HOW BOUT' BUGS BUNNY'S BIRTHDAY BEATING!''' 
:'''The Nerd''': ''[after pummeling Bugs to the ground]'' Ya wanna Shoruyken?!! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': You want some shit? ''[drops his pants]'' '''''BOMBS AWAY, BUGS BITCH!''''' ''[diarrhea falls through a fake fuck]''
:'''Bugs''': Nyyyyaaah, ''[diarrhea pours onto his face]'' '''''oh shit! OH SHIT!''''' Nyah!
:'''The Nerd''': Ugh, man! ''[takes off fake ass]'' Don't worry, folks. It's not real. ''[Merrie Melodies spoof theme starts playing and Bugs is shown in distress]'' ''[while giving middle finger]'' '''Fuck you, Bugs Bunny!''' ''[gives middle finger through fake fuckhole]'' '''''FUCK YOU, BUGS BUNNY!''''' ''[tosses fake ass]'' There you go. Got your ass handed to you. ''[iris out, then cut to a drum, which the Nerd pops out of in a similar fashion to Porky Pig]'' Ah-duh, ah-duh, duh, that's all, fucks! ''[raises middle finger]''

=== Atari Porn ===

:'''​The Nerd:''' (''playing'' Custer's Revenge) All ya do, is bang the chick, dodge the spears. Bang the chick, dodge the spears. Y'know, ya gotta give this guy credit; he's under attack and he still has the nerve to go over and screw this woman against a cactus. I ''think'' it's a cactus; with Atari, ya really can't tell. You know what bothers me? The spears don't even come down all the way; they like disappear, so it doesn't even make sense when they hit you. But over-analyzin' this game isn't even worth it. It's nothing more than a joke, it stirred up a lot of outrage when it came out in 1982, Native Americans were offended, women activists were offended, parents were offended if their kids got a hold of this, and ''I'' am offended, because this game's a fuckin' pieceashit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''​The Nerd:''' (''playing'' Beat 'Em &amp; Eat 'Em) Y'know, there's ''really'' somethin' wrong with this whole scene. You gotta be a total fuckin' whore to stand naked at the bottom of a building with your mouth wide open to catch jizz from some guy jerkin' off on top of a roof! What kinda sick bitches are these?! And what's the deal with this guy? Either he has a ''huge dick'', or he's a ''dwarf!'' I mean what the fuck kinda game is this?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''​The Nerd:''' Well, what can ya say? Atari and porn. Witches, door-to-door prostitutes, rooftop beaters, cowboy rapists... what more can ya ask for? Remember the commercials? &quot;Have you played Atari today?&quot; Well fuck yeah, I did! But you don't wanna know what I was playin'.

=== [[w:Nintendo Power|Nintendo Power]] ===

:'''AVGN''': It's time to chill out. Nah, don't worry. I'm not goin' mellow on you or anything like that. And, next time, it's gonna be a game review again. But for now, I just want to take you back to one of the most important parts of my childhood: Nintendo Power. You know, today, there's Internet. Anything you want to know about any game, you just look it up. But, back then, your only source of information was magazines, like Nintendo Power. If you had a subscription, you were the man! One of your friends would be breakin' their balls to beat some game and you'll be like, &quot;Oh, I know how to beat that game.&quot;, or, &quot;I know a code.&quot; That's because you had the power. ''Nintendo'' ''Power, motherfucker!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': One thing that used to piss me off was the NES Achievers section. It's just a buncha nerds showin' off their high scores. But, how do you prove it? You have to take a photo of your screen. And, nobody really knew how to do that. Remember, there were no digital cameras back then, so you take the picture of your screen, you have no fuckin' clue what it looks like. And, there could be, like, 20 other pictures on the roll, so, you either have to, like, waste them all or wait until it gets finished. You get your mom or dad to take it to the store to get the picture developed, it comes back, and what does it look like? It looks like fuckin' shit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': 'Member that shitty movie ''[[w:The Wizard (film)|The Wizard]]''? and that fuckin' dumbass ''[[w:Super Mario Bros. (film)|Super Mario Bros.]]'' movie? Man, I remember readin' about that and being so excited, I couldn't ''wait'' to see that movie! But it was just like waitin' for a buffalo to take a shit all over your face. ''(Raspberry)''

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:'''AVGN''': As Nintendo Power progressed, the ads went from being weird to just being fuckin' disgusting. Why the Hell is there a jar of toenail clippings in a video game magazine? What were they ''thinking''!? Now, here's the worst one yet. It's some old creepy bitch holdin' a log of shit. Goddamn. One ad was so gross, I stapled the page shut. I'm actually not joking. Then, this one just shows a hurl bag. Yeah, that's great. That just sums up how I feel about the whole situation. Nintendo Power! Don't open unless you've got a barf bag! ''(looks into Nintendo Power, then pretends to vomit into a bag)''

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:'''AVGN''': There's also a contest in every issue. Grand prizes would include a sneak showing of the ''Ninja Turtles'' movie, a chance to meet Arnold Schwarzenegger, to win [[w:Bill &amp; Ted's Excellent Adventure|Bill &amp; Ted]]phone booth, to win a ''[[w:Street Fighter II|Street Fighter II]]'' arcade machine, to dig up dinosaurs, or to be an extra in ''The Mask II. The Mask II? (sarcastically)'' Oh, ''that's'' a great prize! ''(normally)'' That movie never got fuckin' made, unless you count ''[[w:Son of the Mask|Son of Mask]]'', but that wasn't until about 10 years later! And, did they give the winner a rain check for that: to be in a movie with a computer-generated baby or any of the other sequels to Jim Carrey movies that don't have Jim Carrey?

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:'''AVGN''': ''(reading letters)'' &quot;It is quite apparent what an active and important role marketing plays in the video game industry. I have to wonder what you are thinking when marketing the Nintendo 64 to elementary school gamers. You risk alienating gamers 15 and up. You should target older gamers, because you'll also target younger ones, since the younger audience's perception of coolness often depends on what the older, teenage audience thinks is cool.&quot; I agree. And the response? &quot;Your suggestion inspired us to target more teens with our marketing, so tune in to a very special episode of ''Friends'' this week to see-&quot; Okay, here's ''my'' letter. &quot;Dear Nintendo Power editor, what the fuck is your problem?&quot;

=== [[w:Fester's Quest|Fester's Quest]] ===

:'''AVGN''': ''(As Fester)'' You were expecting, uh, maybe uh, the ''Ninja Turtles''? ''(a reference to the Nerd's review of the third ''Ninja Turtles'' movie)''

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:'''AVGN''': ''(As Wednesday)'' This game better stop sucking fuck, or else I'm gonna have to give it the finger. The middle finger!

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:'''AVGN''': ''(As Gomez)'' I think it's a fuckload of fuck!
:'''AVGN''': ''(As Fester)'' Think you'd better shut your fuck!

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:'''AVGN''': ''(As Fester)'' That's the last guy. It's over.
:'''AVGN''': ''(As Wednesday)'' That's just the first boss.
:'''AVGN''': ''(As Fester)'' That's the last guy.
:'''AVGN''': ''(As Gomez)'' It's not.
:'''AVGN''': ''(As Fester)'' I know, but let's just say that it is, because that's all I can take.

=== [[w:The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (franchise)|The Texas Chainsaw Massacre]] ===

:'''Opening Crawl''': In 1983, a shitty game based on the Texas Chainsaw Massacre was released for the Atari 2600 by Wizard Video Games. It was a tragic failure and tried to aim for the adult market. Its pixelated violence was enough to get it banned from stores or hidden behind the counter, limiting its sales to obscurity. For them, an ideal hit movie-based game would become a nightmare. But had the game been well known, nobody would have expected nor they would wished to see as much of the mad and macabre doodoo diarrhea bullshit as they were to see in that sucky ass game. Close to 25 years later, it would be discovered by one of the most frustrated gaming geeks on the internet, The Angry Video Game Nerd.

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:''[AVGN comes to a barn where a hillbilly playing a banjo is selling old video games]''
:'''AVGN''': What have you got here?
:'''Hillbilly''': Bunch of shit.
:'''AVGN''': I see. Unfortunately this is kind of my thing. ''(Notices the Texas Chainsaw Massacre Atari 2600 cartridge)'' How much is this one right here?
:'''Hillbilly''': A hundred.
:'''AVGN''': A hundred? As in like a hundred dollars?
:'''Hillbilly''': No, shit-for-brains, a hundred centavos. Of course a hundred dollars! We are living in the US of A, ain't we?
:'''AVGN''': I - I'll take it for 50.
:'''Hillbilly''': ..It's a hundred.
:'''AVGN''': It's a piece of shit. Look at this! Look at this stock label! I mean, do you know what this is supposed to be? Can you tell me what this is?
:'''Hillbilly''': I have no idea what that is. I can tell you what it looks like: It looks like the shit stain in the bottom of my [[w:Undergarment|drawers]] right now!
:'''AVGN''': This is a shit stain on a shitty game! That perfectly just sums it all up.
:'''Hillbilly''': That, there, is a rare video game, Boy.
:'''AVGN''': Unfortunately I'm like - like flies on a piece of shit because I just can't stay away from this stuff.

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:'''AVGN''': So, when the game's over, the screen goes black, like a ''Mortal Kombat'' fatality. And the girl kicks you in the butt. How violent, she kicks you in the rear. Now I can take bodies getting slashed apart with the chainsaw, but a kick in the ass? That's fucking hardcore. Fuck this game. What a piece of shit.

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:'''AVGN''': ''(after being attacked by Chop Top and Leatherface)'' You've gotta believe me, there's this guy coming after me!
:'''Hillbilly''': Hey, hey! Settle down.
:'''AVGN''': I'm not kidding! I'm really not kidding. He's-
:'''Hillbilly''': Calm down, little buddy. Be cool. Be calm. Be collected... hey, what's that over there? ''(knocks the Nerd out with his banjo)'' Batter-up, bitch boy! ''(starts dragging the Nerd away. As he does so, he sings)'' Hey there, motherfuckers... Don't tell me what I should do... 'Cause they be motherfuckers...

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:'''Chop Top''': ''(while the Nerd is being tortured by being forced to play the game)'' How do you like that, Nerd? How do ya like!? How do ya like!? ''(cackles)''
:'''Hillbilly''': Playing that game like he really don't like it? Ain't that a shame. Listen to him whimper like a little girl. HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH hee hee hee! Yeah, boy. ''(the Nerd summons enough rage to free himself from his bindings and make an escape)'' Oh, shit!

=== [[w:Halloween (franchise)|Halloween]] ===
''[the Nerd hears a knock as his door, and sees two kids; one dressed as Optimus Prime and the other dressed as Swamp Thing at his door]''
:'''Optimus Prime &amp; Swamp Thing:''' Trick-or-treat!
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, oh, you want some trick-or-treat? Okay, here's some trick-or-treat for ya! ''[grabs one of the bag and defecates into it. then he hands it back to Optimus Prime &amp; Swamp Thing]''
:'''Optimus Prime &amp; Swamp Thing:''' Ewwwwww!!
:'''The Nerd''': There you go, you little fuckers! There's some chocolate for ya.
:'''Swamp Thing:''' That's not chocolate, that's poop.
:'''The Nerd''': It's not chocolate, nor is it poop. It's ''fuck!''
:'''Optimus Prime''': Hey, you dope! I want some candy!
:'''Swamp Thing''': Yeah, I want some candy!
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, yeah. ''[puts &quot;Halloween&quot; Atari 2600 game back in the box then opens door again.]'' Hey, wait! I got something for you, too! A shitty game! ''[gives it to Optimus Prime]''
:'''Optimus Prime''': What the heck is this?
:'''The Nerd''': It's an Atari game.
:'''Swamp Thing''': What the heck is an Atari, you dope?
:'''The Nerd''': Oh. Oh, you don't know what an Atari is? Oh, okay. Hang on a sec.
:'''Swamp Thing''': First you poo in my bag, then you don't give me any candy. You're a dope.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[gives Atari 2600 to Optimus Prime]'' There you go. Have fun.
:'''Optimus Prime''': Hey, you dope! I want some candy!

=== [[w:Dragon's Lair (Nintendo Entertainment System)|Dragon's Lair]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Did I just die by walking into the fuckin' door!? Yeah. Everything kills you. Literally. Everything.

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:'''AVGN''': The decisions to make in this game are similar to if... say you're standing in a pool full of piss all the way up to your neck. Then somebody comes in with a bucket full of fuck to dump on your head. Do you duck down under the piss? Or do you just stay up and take on the shit? This game is like a cruel joke that you play on your friends. It's like, &quot;Hey, you wanna play a game? Here you go, you fuckers!&quot;

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:'''AVGN''': This game is notorious among gamers as being one of the most frustrating games in existence. At some time or another, it seems everyone takes a shot at it, and after this review, I'm sure many more people will suffer over it, which is unfortunate. But to quote ''[[w:Full Metal Jacket|Full Metal Jacket]]'', &quot;It's just one big shit sandwich and we all gotta take a bite.&quot;

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:'''AVGN''': ''(upon being returned to the first screen after getting a Game Over on the second)'' Man... Man, fuck that shit. Man, you think I'm gonna put myself through that again?! I - GODDAMMIT MAN - ''(imitates shooting off four of his fingers, leaving the middle one extended upward)'' MAN, FUCK this game, man! Man - Jesus Christ, I'd rather fucking 69 a grizzly bear while shoving [[w:King Kong|King Kong]] up my ass! I'd rather fucking stand in the middle of a ring of monkeys as they pelt me to death with their own anal waste!

=== An Angry Nerd Christmas Carol Part One ===

:'''AVGN''': ''(receiving ''[[w:Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (video game)|Home Alone 2]]'' for the NES in a gift-wrapped box)'' Oh gee. Thanks for sending me this crappy game! Coal would've been nice! Or even better, a bag of poop! So thanks!

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:'''AVGN''': So, you start the game trying to escape from this hotel because they found out that you used a stolen credit card. Now you don't wanna fuck with this hotel - they'll get everybody after ya. Not even just the people who work there, but bouncing old ladies with umbrellas, mops - yeah, crazy bloodthirsty mops will try to get ya. Vacuum cleaners? Yeah, those suck you up. 

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:'''AVGN''': Here, get up the ladder! Get up the fucking ladder! There's birds fucking all over me! Get up the fucking ladder! Fuck, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK! ''(yells in anger and takes the game out of his NES)'' Merry Christmas, you filthy animal! YOU MISERABLE FUCKING CUNTING PIECE OF FUCK! ''(hurls the game off-screen and walks up to his game cabinet)'' Fucky games! All my life! Fucky fucking games! I hate fucky fucking games! And I hate fucky fucking Christmas because fucky fucking Christmas means more ''fucky fucking games!'' HUMBUG! BAH! FUCKING HUMBUG IT TO FUCKKKKKKKKK!!!

=== An Angry Nerd Christmas Carol Part Two ===

:'''Stuttering Craig as the Ghost of Christmas Past''': Greetings, Nerd! Forgive this intrusion, for it is I, the Ghost of Christmas Past!
:'''AVGN:''' ''(hits himself on the head)'' I ain't seeing this!
:'''Ghost of Christmas Past''': Why do you doubt your senses, Nerd?
:'''AVGN:''' Because, I wasn't ready to go completely insane tonight.
:'''Ghost of Christmas Past''': But you already have! Drowning in your own misery and torment!
:'''AVGN:''' ''(Extends his middle finger)'' You see this?
:'''Ghost of Christmas Past''': I ''do'' see it.
:'''AVGN:''' ...But you're not looking at it.
:'''Ghost of Christmas Past''': But I ''see'' it.
:'''AVGN:''' ...Look. Ghost. Why do you come to me?
:'''Ghost of Christmas Past''': Well, to take you back to the past!
:'''AVGN:''' To play the fucky games that suck fuck? No thanks.
:'''Ghost of Christmas Past''': This is ''your'' past, Nerd!

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:'''Handsome Tom as the Ghost of Christmas Present''': You remember the excitement?
:'''AVGN:''' Who are you?
:'''Ghost of Christmas Present''': I'm the Ghost of Christmas Present, bitch.
:'''AVGN:''' Well what do you want?
:'''Ghost of Christmas Present''': I just wanted to remind you the fond memories you had of Super Nintendo. You remember ''[[w:Super Metroid|Metroid]]''? ''[[w:The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past|Zelda]]''? ''[[w:Super Mario World|Mario]]''? You only choose to dwell on crap. You know what you're doing right now?
:'''AVGN:''' Talking to you?
:'''Ghost of Christmas Present''': No, this is all out of body. Don't you get it? Right now you're looking back at reviewing one of the worst games on the Super Nintendo. ''(AVGN looks through a nearby door to see himself reviewing a game.)''
:'''Other AVGN''': ''[[w:Shaq Fu|Shaq Fu]]''. Just the name makes people cringe. Like, you don't even wanna go there. You are so full of fuck.

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:'''Other AVGN''': The title doesn't even sound good. ''Shaq Fu''? It's like a joke. I mean just the fact that they can release a ''fighting'' game starring [[w:Shaquille O'Neal|Shaquille O'Neal]] and call it ''Shaq Fu'' pretty much proves that you can put &quot;Fu&quot; at the end of anything. How about &quot;[[w:Robin Williams|Robin Williams]] Fu&quot; or &quot;[[w:U2|U2]]Fu&quot;? I mean, who came up with this shit!? What, were they smoking crack up their fuck!?

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:'''Future AVGN''': You remember the Nintendo Wii? Yeah, that's actually what they called it. But it was very revolutionary when it first came out. But looking at it now, it's like a baby's toy. Now, I got this bullfuck fuck game called ''[[w:Far Cry Vengeance|Far Cry Vengeance]]''. Now you put the word &quot;Vengeance&quot; at the end of anything, and it's sure to suck.

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:'''AVGN''': IT'S CHRISTMAS! WHAT A GLORIOUS CHRISTMAS DAY! ''(goes back to his games cabinet cackling with euphoria)'' Look at all these games! Look at all these games! I think I'm going to play ''[[w:Super Mario World|Super Mario World]]''! Fuck yeah! This game's awesome! In fact, I should just play good games from now on. ''(after a moment, the Nerd's expression turns sour, and he turns off the game and grabs the Virtual Boy)'' Man, fuck that! Let's play some fucky ones!

=== [[w:The Legend Of Zelda|Chronologically Confused 2: The Legend of Zelda Timeline]] ===
:'''AVGN''': [[w:Shigeru Miyamoto|Shigeru Miyamoto]], the man responsible for all these great games did an interview with Nintendo Power sometime before the release of the [[w:The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time|Ocarina of Time]] and this is what he said. &quot;Ocarina of Time is the first story, then the original [[w:The Legend of Zelda (video game)|Legend Of Zelda]], then [[w:Zelda II: The Adventure of Link|Zelda II: The Adventure of Link]] and finally [[w:The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past|A Link to the Past]]. It's not very clear where [[w:The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening|Link's Awakening]] fits in. It could be anytime after Ocarina of Time.&quot; Now whoa, I'm nobody to argue. Don't get me wrong about the man himself, but how is Link to the Past the last? I had a hard time accepting that any game would take place before it, but now it's the last? Then why is it called Link to the Past? If it was meant to be the end, why wouldn't it be called Link to the Future?

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:'''AVGN''': So what right do I have to argue with Miyamoto? I don't. However, I can offer three explanations to why he says Link to the Past goes at the end. 1, He was being interviewed and he was caught on the spot, so it could've been a simple mistake. 2, Link to the Past was once a prequel, but its place in the timeline changed so his quote is somehow correct. 3, it's just a game so who gives a shit?

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:'''AVGN''': Now a second Zelda game was for the Nintendo 64 was released, [[w:The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask|Majora's Mask]]. This one was a sequel to Ocarina of Time. But wait, not a sequel to the end where adult Link defeats Ganon, No! It's a sequel to young Link after he got sent back. So now any speculation of Nintendo ever making a sequel to Zelda II is deader than shit. They can't even make a sequel that follows in consecutive order. Instead, they just keep going back and then maybe taking a small step up again and then back again. We have a sequel to the original, a prequel to the original, a sequel to the prequel, a prequel to the prequel, and a sequel of the young Link of the prequel's prequel. WHAT THE FUCK?! At this point, if you want to try to make any sense out of this whole thing then go right ahead, but not me. At this point, I really didn't give a shit.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': What about the games on the Philips CD-I? There was ''Zelda: Wand of Gamelon'', ''Link: The Faces of Evil'', &amp; ''Zelda’s Adventure''. And hey, Princess Zelda actually plays a bigger role in those games. So why don’t you count those? Maybe because they suck diarrhea shit from an asshole fountain.

=== [[w:Rambo (video game)|Rambo]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Fuck. I gotta do ''this'' one now? Well, guess I might as well, 'cuz there's a new ''Rambo'' movie comin' out. Back in the '80s, ''[[w:Rambo|Rambo]]'' was ''the'' shit, but the NES game was just plain fuck. ''(the Nerd puts the game in the NES toploader)'' Well, it's based off ''[[w:Rambo: First Blood Part II|Rambo: First Blood Part II]]'' rather than the [[w:First Blood|first one]]. I guess making a game where you're going around killing cops... ''probably'' wasn't their best interest. 

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:'''AVGN''': When Rambo meets the girl for the second time in the game, you're given an option. Rather than conducting business, you can say: &quot;What do you think of me?&quot; The game doesn't advance until you stop asking it, so what's the point? And how cocky can Rambo be to expect a compliment? She could have said, &quot;What do I think of you? You look like a hairless gorilla and when your mouth is open, you really freak me out.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Why does the fuckin' password have to be so godfuckingdamn long?! Is it really necessary to have both capital and lowercase letters, as well as numbers, question marks and exclamation marks too?! If you're writing this down, you're gonna get confused. S's look like 5's, 0's look like O's, capital and lowercase letters can look identical, and lowercase L's look like 1's and uppercase I's. That's something I have '''''no''''' tolerance for. The password system should be '''''simple, straightforward, and easy to use.''''' As long as you know the password, you should be able to enter it, and '''move on.''' It doesn't need to be a '''''fucking project!''''' Fuckholes!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': But then comes ''[[w:Rambo (2008 film)|Rambo.]]'' How do you follow ''[[w:Rambo III|Rambo III]]'' with just ''Rambo?'' That doesn't even make any sense. It's like you're going backwards. So, now if someone says, &quot;I'm watching ''Rambo,''&quot; it's like, &quot;Oh. Oh, what do you mean? Do you mean ''First Blood?'' Or do you mean ''Rambo: First Blood Part II?'' Or do you mean ''Rambo,'' the 4th movie?&quot; That's what it is, the fourth fuckin' movie! Why couldn't they have just called it ''Rambo IV?'' One, two, three, four!! ''(Pretends to have head explosion, then goes nuts and collapses on the floor while he rips a poster off the wall.)''

== Season Three ==

=== [[w:Virtual Boy|Virtual Boy]] ===
:'''The Nerd''':  Virtual reality seemed like the way of the future. Just the idea feeling like you were in the game was an awesome concept. But instead, it turned out to be the grand mother-load of shit. The first problem was it was marketed as a portable system. Yeah, portable. My ass is portable! You could barely find a comfortable way to play this big, red, ugly piece of shit at home, let alone bring it somewhere. Like, you couldn't play it in a car or something like that. And, come to think of it, you wouldn't want to play this thing in public anyway. You'd look like an asshole!
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:'''The Nerd''': [''playing'' Galactic Pinball] So, in the long run, it just makes you wish you were playing a real pinball machine instead or anything other than this. '''''I feel like I'm taking an eye exam.''''' And speaking of that, my eyes are starting to hurt already. If you play this long enough and go blind, you can really become the [[Tommy (The Who album)|Pinball Wizard]].
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:'''The Nerd''':  Well now, we saved the worst for last: It's ''[[w:Waterworld (video game)|Waterworld]]''.  Now, let's just stop for a moment and take this in, okay? ''[Breathes deeply]'' ''Waterworld''... on Virtual Boy. It's like pukin' on a pile of shit!

=== [[w:The Wizard of Oz (video game)|The Wizard of Oz]] ===

:'''The Nerd:''' But now, on with the game. Let's start off with the enemy run-down. We got bloodthirsty bluebirds, frogs, chattering teeth, pink soldiers, some weird-looking dude, flying elephants which are supposed to be monkeys, a blobby blue guy, and killer chairs. Is this ''[[w:The Wizard of Oz (1939 film)|Wizard of Oz]]'' or ''[[w:Pee-wee's Playhouse|Pee-wee's Playhouse]]''? Then, there's all these buzz saws. Kinda violent, don't you think? Everything imaginable wants you dead. Even water faucets coming out of trees. Even the hands of a clock can kill you. ''(holding an analog clock)'' Oh God, there it is! Watch out for the clock! ''(imitates getting attacked by the clock)''

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:'''The Nerd:''' Remember the scene from the movie where Dorothy kicks the shit out of a giant crow wearing a vest?

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:'''Cowardly Lion:''' With a knuck! And a ruck! And a fuck! And a f-fuck!
:'''The Nerd:''' Hey man, did you just swear?!
:'''Cowardly Lion:''' Uh, ''(laughs)'' yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, fuck you, fuck you, dick, dick, dick! ''(laughs)''
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(resumes explaining the game)'' Now, the only problem with the Lion is that after he dies only once...
:'''Cowardly Lion:''' ''(Gasps)'' Die?
:'''The Nerd:''' ...he never comes back!
:'''Cowardly Lion:''' ''(The Cowardly Lion runs out, but dies in an explosion.)'' Fuck!

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:'''The Nerd:''' SHIT! Come on!
:'''Cowardly Lion:''' ''(Chuckles)'' ''(He sees the Wicked Witch)'' Oh, is that the Witch? Is that the Witch? She's a bitch, not a witch! (Chortles)
:'''The Nerd:''' Come on, you fuckin' green bitch! Melt like diarrhea in the hot sun!
:'''Cowardly Lion:''' (Chortles) Yeah! Now, Shove her broom right up her ass! Fuck that bitch! Fuck that bitch! Fuck! Wicked Witch of the East, Wicked Witch of the West, Wicked Witch of the fuck, Wicked Witch of my ass! (Chortles and barks)

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:'''The Nerd:''' There's no shitty game like this, I'm serious. Like, it shouldn't have been made. Like, it's almost half as bad as ''Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde''. And I know it's been like 40-something reviews and I'm still talking about ''Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde''. But I'm serious, it's really almost that bad! FUCK THIS GAME, WATCH IT GO! ''(The Nerd throws the game, the same time the Cowardly Lion shits while doing a handstand making the game glued to the ceiling.)'' Daaaaaamn! You just plastered the game on my ceiling with your shit!
:''(The Lion laughs)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Outtake]''
:'''Cowardly Lion:''' Wicked Witch of the East, Wicked Witch of the West, Wicked Witch of my balls, Wicked Witch of the fuck, Wicked Witch of my dick, Wi-- Wicked Witch of the ass. Wi-- Wicked Witch...
:''''The Nerd:''' ''[cracking up]'' Wicked Witch of the ass! ''[Laughs]''

=== Double Vision Part One ===

:'''The Nerd:''' The [[w:Intellivision|Intellivision]] came from [[w:Mattel|Mattel Electronics]]. Now, you know what else they made? The Power Glove. Now, that's a bad sign right there. But, it was a great game system for its time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' The games barely fit in the cartridge slot. It's like trying to stick your dick in a Cheerio.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Okay, we gotta move on, but let me introduce the [[w:Intellivoice|Intellivoice Voice Synthesis Module]]. What the fuck is that? Well, it makes your games talk. Yeah. Now, at the time, the idea having voices in video games was a new thing. But unfortunately, only a few games were compatible, like ''[[w:B-17 Bomber (video game)|B-17 Bomber]].''
:'''Electronic Voice:''' Mattel Electronics presents: ''(hillbilly voice)'' ''B-17 Bomber.''
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(mimics the voice)'' '''''B-17 BOMBER!'''''
:'''Electronic Hillbilly Voice:''' ''B-17 Bomber!''
:'''The Nerd:''' Alright, fuck the game. Let's try ''Bomb Squad.''
:'''Electronic Voice:''' Mattel Electronics presents: ''Bomb Squad.'' ''(Alarm buzzes)'' They'll never do it in time! The code! The code! Figure out the code!
:'''The Nerd:''' '''''What?''''' Guess I gotta defuse the bomb.
:'''Electronic Voice:''' It won't be easy! Replace this third, this fourth, this second, this first!
:'''The Nerd:''' '''''Oh, shit!''''' '''''OH, SHIT! OH, GOD! '''(Exploding)''

=== Double Vision Part Two ===

:'''The Nerd:''' ''(Also sprach Zarathustra from ''2001: A Space Odyssey'' plays in the background)'' What's that? A metamorphic stone rising from the blackness and negative Earth, a towering behemoth of monstrosity brought down by extraterrestrial powers, or a giant monolith of death, Hell-bent on the annihilation of humankind, time, and all matter? No. It's the AC adapter for a [[w:Colecovision|Colecovision]]''(The Nerd &quot;struggles&quot; to pick it up.)'' '''WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY THINKING?!''' IS THIS NECESSARY?! Look! I can't fit this Godforsaken piece of shit in the electrical outlet, unless there's nothing next to it! What a fucking hog! That's what it is; a self-indulgent glutton of a power hog.

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:'''The Nerd:''' [Campaign '84] &quot;'''You were seen putting your shoes on before you put on your pants.'''&quot; Okay, well who the hell was watching me get dressed!? If I wanna put my shoes on first, that's my own goddamn business!

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:'''The Nerd:''' But before I end it, let's take a look at the ColecoVision Expansion Module. Yeah, what gaming system is complete without some kind of peripheral? You plug it in, and now you can play Atari 2600 games. That's right, I'm playing Atari on ColecoVision, its competitor. Okay, that would ''never'' happen today. That's like if Sony said, &quot;Okay, we're gonna come out with this new expansion module for the [[w:Playstation 3|Playstation 3]]. You're gonna be able to play [[w:X-Box|X-Box]] games on it.&quot; ''There would be lawsuits up the ass!''

=== [[w:The Wizard (film)|The Wizard]] and [[w: Super Mario Bros. 3|Super Mario Bros. 3]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' Especially when you get to the last world, it can get real challenging. This part doesn't fuck around. It's like, &quot;you got to the end, you dare to play, welcome to Hell.&quot; That's what it looks like, all this fire and skulls, it looks like Hell! There's sorta like a heart shape around it. Yeah, a heart around Hell. Does that mean that this game loves Hell? This game worships the Devil! Oh, my God, of course it does! Why is there so many inverted crosses? What's the H stand for? Hell?? How about the part with the Tarot cards? The &quot;N&quot;? Necronomicon?? The &quot;P&quot; must be Possession. Or maybe Pentagram. Well, of course, the pentagram makes an appearance everywhere. It's no doubt that the seven sons of Bowser represent the Seven Deadly Sins. You kneel before Satan on the block, and after 6 seconds, you fall through. There's 6 arrows on the possession meter, and to reach the goal, you go to the 6th door. That's 666. Everywhere you look, it's the Number of the Beast. In ''The Wizard'', the game's introduction is basically the gates of Hell opening.
'''Video Armageddon Host:''' Come up here, my little beauties!!
'''Crowd:''' 6! 6! 6!
:'''The Nerd:''' Yeah, &quot;Video Armageddon!&quot; The Devil watches you through the whole game. The clouds have eyes, the hills have eyes. Heh, literally, &quot;the hills have eyes.&quot; Thanks Heaven, and we know that there's no need to thank Heaven unless there's the presence of ​Hell. There's 8 worlds. In the eighth world, there's 5 spaces you can stand on where giant hands drag you down to your doom. There's 12 tanks you gotta jump on before the goal, and it takes me 12 jumps to get Bowser to fall down the hole. The 8th letter of the alphabet is H, 5 equals E, 12 equals L, what's that spell? HELL! And what's it sound like when you play the game backwards? (footage is reversed; profanity-laced subliminal message plays) This game's a product of the fucking devil. And none of the other Mario games were like this, so I don't know why it's only this one. But in conclusion, all I can say is that, other than being the total epitome of evil, ''Super Mario Bros. 3'', it's a good game. So good, it's a ''sin''.

=== [[w:List of Nintendo Entertainment System accessories|NES Accessories]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''[Reviewing the [[w:Miracle Piano|Miracle Piano]]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt;'' Other than having standard lessons, you also get a robot game. Play the song right or the robot dies! Then there's a duck game You gotta shoot the ducks. Oh, come on! ''[begins tapping keys rapidly]'' Yeah, I'm shooting ducks with a piano!

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[reviewing the Power Pad and playing ''World Class Track Meet'' with it]'' It was meant to be a family game, but most kids I knew played it alone in their room. And that meant that if your room was upstairs, your parents would hear like all this thumping and shit. They hated it. Cats and dogs would piss and shit on it. In fact, just thinking about it... makes me feel like having an anal evacuation.

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:'''The Nerd''': Yeah. It all comes down to tapping buttons, which brings us to our next accessory. Probably the ''stupidest'' thing ever invented: The SpeedBoard. What is it? It's a piece of fucking plastic. You attach your controller, you get it? In case you don't wanna hold the controller with your hands, in case you enjoy playing on the floor, or behind a table, then this is for you. It's embarrassing. What's the point? To put the speed at your fingers? ''Why in the '''ass''' would I need '''that?''''' If I'm playing a game that involves having to tap the buttons like crazy, I'm probably gonna get a turbo controller, like the NES Max, or NES Advantage. How could they even ''sell'' such a thing? Even though it's made by [Pressman Toys,] a third party company, it was actually licensed by Nintendo. It's like covering a turd in ice cream sprinkles.
:'''The Nerd''': Next up, oh boy: the [[w:Konami|Konami]] [[w:LaserScope|LaserScope.]] Now, I just wanna go on record by saying I fuckin' love Konami, but this thing reeks of ass! It's essentially yet another form of the Zapper, but it's voice-controlled. To shoot, you say &quot;Fire!&quot;
:'''The Nerd''': '''''Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire!''''' It also has headphones, and it advertises on the box that you can use it for your Game Boy or Walkman. Just detach the scope module, yeah. Wow. Yeah, I would look &quot;so cool&quot; walking around listening to my [[w:iPod|iPod]] with this fuckin' thing on my head.
:'''The Nerd:''' It also advertises that &quot;Parents will love what they don't hear.&quot; It says, &quot;While the LaserScope surrounds the player with the sounds of exciting gameplay action, non players can listen to music, read a book, talk on the phone or have a conversation in the same room.&quot; Yeah. While you're saying, '''''&quot;Fire! Fire! Fire!&quot;,''''' it kinda defeats the purpose, right? '''''Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire!''''' Fuck! ''[game shoots]'' I didn't say &quot;Fire!&quot;, I said &quot;Fuck!&quot; Fuck! Fuck-Fire! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Ass! You can say anything. Shit! Bitch! Cunt! Fuck! Fart! ''[shifts to [[w:Duck Hunt|Duck Hunt]].]'' ''Fuck!'' Heh. Wow, I just shot down a duck by sayin' &quot;Fuck!&quot;

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:'''The Nerd''': [of the Roll &amp; Rock] I'm drinkin' Rolling Rock... ''on'' the Roll &amp; Rocker! Rolling Rock, Roll &amp; Rocker! Yeah, Rolling Rock ''on'' the Roll &amp; Rocker! ''[drinks more Rolling Rock]''

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[Playing ''[[w:Super Mario Bros.|Super Mario Bros.]]'' with the [[w:U-Force|U-Force]]&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt;'' Get the mushroom, oh-- Aw, now that's assy. Yeah, I know I use the word &quot;ass&quot; a lot. I guess you can say I'm an ass-oholic.

=== [[w:Indiana Jones (franchise)|Indiana Jones Trilogy]] ===

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:'''AVGN''': If even a single pixel of your body comes in contact with any of these walls, it sends you back into the trap. But still, where do you go? You're supposed to touch this one spot on the wall which leads you to the next room. Well, after knowing that you can't touch anything else in the room, ''why the fuck'' would you even consider trying to go through the wall?! Is there ever such a thing as a ''door''?!

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:'''AVGN''': ''(Reviewing ''[[w:Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (Nintendo Entertainment System)|Temple of Doom]]'' for [[w:Nintendo Entertainment System|NES]])'' What's up with Indiana Jones? He looks like a park ranger, and he walks like he just dumped ass.

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:'''AVGN''': All through the game you keep finding swords and guns and stuff but the big question is What do you do with them? The start button brings up this screen which shows your supplies. But how do you select your weapons? You try every button and nothing works. So what's the point of this screen? Nothing. It's just for shits and giggles. Oh well, we're having fun with our whip in the meantime. Then you find that your whip is pretty useless. You can use it to swing around and kill small insects but any of the regular bad guys, it only make them jitter around and grunt.
:'''Enemy''': Huh! Huh!
:'''AVGN''': Huh! It should be a dance. ''(Pretends he's whipping)'' Huh! Huh! Whip it! Huh! Huh!

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:'''AVGN''': ''(reviewing ''The Last Crusade'' on NES)'' How is Indiana Jones such a wimp that he can't set foot in water more shallow than a kiddie pool?

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:'''AVGN''': What dumbasses made this game? [[w:Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade|Should've sent it to the Marx brothers.]]

=== [[w:Star Trek games|Star Trek]] ===
:''[A Klingon ship is attacking The Nerd's house]''
:'''The Nerd''': Wha-what is it, you want Genesis? ''[The Nerd picks up a Sega Genesis]'' You can have Genesis!

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:''[The Nerd turns off the NES Toploader, takes out the game, puts a phaser to it and is about to blast it out of existence, but he hesitates, eases off, and shakes his head.]''
:'''The Nerd''': No. I won't destroy it. Maybe the game designers did the best they could under the given circumstances. ''[to air]'' You hear? You'll have to get your entertainment someplace else. ''[a floating Metron appears in the Nerd's room.]'' You're a Metron.
:'''Metron''': ''Does my appearance surprise you, Nerd?''
:'''The Nerd''': Not really.
:'''Metron''': ''You surprise me.''
:'''The Nerd''': How?
:'''Metron''': ''By sparing the shitty game, you have demonstrated the advanced trait of mercy.''
:'''The Nerd''': ''Mercy '''this,''' motherfucker!'' ''[shoots the Metron]''

=== [[w:Superman video games|Superman]] ===

:'''AVGN''': It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's a shitty game! ''Superman'' for the [[w:Atari 2600|Atari 2600]]. I'm playing it on the [[w:Atari 7800|7800]] just for variety. But anyway, what could be said about Superman? He's one of the most famous superheros of all time. Even the word &quot;super&quot; is in his name. A word that implies excellence, outstanding quality and brilliant divine maginificence! ''(Gameplay of the Atari 2600 game is shown)'' Yeah, this sucks.

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:'''AVGN''': ''(reviewing ''[[w:Superman (Atari game)|Superman]]'' on Atari 2600)'' The whole game is based around the clock - it's all about getting the fastest time, but the only thing that'll eventually happenis you'll throw the game out the window faster than a speeding bullet!

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:'''AVGN''': ''(reviewing ''[[w:superman (Kemco game)|Superman]]'' on NES)'' You have a map screen which seems like it should be self-explanatory enough, but there's times when you have to use a subway train. &quot;'''Oops! You can't ride the subway with no pass!'''&quot; What, are you kidding me? He's ''Superman''! He needs to buy a fuckin' ticket?!

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:'''AVGN''': There's no reason to talk to anybody in this game. It's like in ''Castlevania II: Simon's Quest''. The whole game is full of people who tell you things that don't make any sense or have any [[relevance]] with the game. For example, this old woman tells you not to &quot;look into the Death Star, or you will die&quot;. Well, the [[w:Death Star|Death Star]] is nowhere in the game. Both of these games were released in 1988. Now that must have been the year of people talking and not making sense in video games. ''(talks to an NPC in ''Superman'')'' '''&quot;Haven't you seen the movie, Superman?&quot;''' Yeah, I did, actually! It's nothing like this ''garbage''!

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:'''AVGN''': ''(discussing the stage intermission screen resembling a [[w:Daily Planet|Daily Planet]] newspaper)'' What? &quot;'''Daily Planets'''&quot;? Isn't it just the Daily Planet? I don't know, I've had enough of this. Wait a minute. &quot;'''Stock Market Panic! Stock prices fall!'''&quot;? What, are we talking about ''stocks'' now? &quot;'''Find out why stock prices have fallen'''&quot;. &quot;'''You'll learn about stocks at the stock market.'''&quot; Okay, that's the goal here? To go to the ''stock market''? Oh my god. Do you remember being a kid? Do you remember playing Nintendo? What kind of things were you interested in? Comic books? Video games? Uhhm... the ''stock market''? Yeah, do you think any kid playing this game gives a shit about the fucking stock market?! Just, just, w-wh-''why''? W-wh-why make a game that has anything to do with stocks or taxes or politics? You just don't do that! It's like &quot;What were they thinking!?&quot; Stocks?! I just can't... I just... puh-''(raspberry)''. Augh, God. I just... what a shitload of fuck. That's enough for me. This game is just so awful that it can't be explained. I can review it for another hour and it won't make a difference. It's an unreviewable game. Can not be done justice! If you want to play it and see for yourself, I dare you. But just one warning: You will not be happy. Oh wait, this guy here just gave me a password? What's that for? Like if I want to continue here where I left off? Well, that's completely useless. There's no way I would ever need this password and you wanna know why? Because I'm never fucking playing this game again in my life! ''(Tosses the game out the window)''

=== [[w:Superman 64|Superman 64]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Okay, the wait is finally over. This is the review that everybody wants to see. Here it is, ''Superman''... on [[w:Commodore 64|Commodore 64]].

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:'''AVGN''': Remember those early CD based consoles like the PlayStation and you'd always have to wait for everything to load? Well, it's nothing like that; this thing actually takes 2 minutes and 7 seconds. Yeah, I timed it. Then the title screen starts up with the music, and you're like, ''&quot;WOW!&quot;'' But wait, what the hell's this? Type in the character that appears in &quot;column: 09 row:10&quot;? Oh, come on! I gotta get the code card. Yeah, the code card. Match up the damn numbers and there you go, it's 5. 'WHY DO I GOTTA DO THAT!? So you pick your difficulty, and guess what? It's gotta load again! Fifty-four seconds this time. Not long, but seems like an eternity. So anyway, you get this comic book storyline thing, and then- ''[the &quot;NOW LOADING&quot; screen appears yet again]'' You son-of-a-bitch! Probably two weeks later when you finally start playing the game, you'll be surprised that the graphics are quite decent and the gameplay is self-explanatory. You just fly around and shoot stuff. You don't have to be Clark Kent and find subway passes or any bullshit like that, so it's actually better than the Nintendo version. But that's not sayin' much. That's like sayin' the shit that I took last night was better than the shit I took the day before.

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:'''AVGN''': ''[holds up Superman 64 cartridge]'' Aw, come on, you really wanna make me play this? Well, I'm gonna do it just for you, 'cause I like ya a lot. Now don't take that too serious.

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:'''AVGN''': First, you're greeted by a smiling cartoon fox. &quot;''Tittus''&quot;? What the fuck is that?

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:'''AVGN''': Looks like Superman's strokin' his super dick.

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:'''AVGN''': ''(after finishing the car-carrying stage 4)'' So I get to the goal, and guess what's next? Seriously, I want you to just take a guess what comes after this. More rings. Yeah. What kind of game is this!? Is this some sort of ''insanity test''?! Well, I'm done. I'm sorry, but that's all I can do. This game doesn't even ''qualify'' as shit! It's like the equivalent of ''shit'' takin' a shit! This is unspeakably, ''shockingly'' bad. It's sickeningly '''loathsome!''' '''It's a fuckin' suffering to the mind'''! It's a bunch of fuck and it doesn't belong on this planet! Somebody's gotta take care of it! This is a job for the fuckin' Nerd! ''[a rock version of [[w:Superman March|Superman Theme]] plays as the Nerd unbuttons his shirt to reveal a blue Superman shirt. Flies up to the sun and tosses the game into it.]''

=== [[w:List of Batman computer and video games|Batman Part One]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''[dressed up as Batman]'' All right, ''[takes off his glasses]'' let's dig in to a big pile of bat shit. As you can see, I'm all ready, because, ''[puts on Bat-Mask]'' in order to play bad Batman games, and do 'em justice... ''[puts glasses back on]'' ''[Batman voice]'' ...you gotta be Batman.

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:'''Batnerd''': ''[Batman: The Caped Crusader]'' There's also this annoying menu screen that keeps popping up. It took me a while to figure out that I activate this thing by pressing Down and the button.
:'''Batnerd''': So I get to this menu by total accident, and I don't know what to do here. What ''is'' all this shit? &quot;Restart game&quot;? Who the fuck's talkin' about restarting? ''[tries to type &quot;N&quot;, but the keyboard doesn't respond]''  Oh, the keypad's busted. Oh, that's great. Yeah, and that's another thing about the Commodore: It only works when it feels like it.
:'''Batnerd''': Well, anyway, the game sucks, gotta give it the Batman punishment! ''[Batman voice]'' '''''I'm Batman.''''' ''[throws the &quot;Batman: The Caped Crusader&quot; Commodore 64 disk to the ground]''

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:'''Batnerd''': Next up, ''[[w:Batman Forever (video game)|Batman Forever]]'' for the Super Nintendo. Now we're in deep shit, because this game is triceratops testicles.

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:'''Batnerd''': Fuck! Shit! Get up there! This is fuckin' '''''BULLSHIT!''''' You'd think to shoot up you just press up, but ''no,'' it '''''jumps!''''' Sometimes I get it to work by '''''pure luck''''' until I found out that, okay, '''''this''''' is how it works: To shoot up, you press '''select''' and '''up''' in a '''''very specific way.''''' You have to press select ''slightly before'' you press jump. If you do it correctly, it shoots the grappling hook straight up in the air. But if you press them both at the same time, you just jump! '''THAT'S A ''GOOD'' REASON WHY THE ''JUMP'' BUTTON SHOULD ''NOT BE UP!!'' WHY CAN'T IT BE ONE OF THE FUCKIN' ''BUTTONS?! HAVIN' THE FUCKIN' UP BUTTON JUMP IS FUCKIN' FUCKED UP!!!''''' If '''''this''''' ''[up on the d-pad]'' aimed your grappling hook and '''''THIS''''' ''[B button]'' jumped, '''''THEN IT WOULD BE FINE! BUT, NO! THEY GOTTA BE THE SAME BUTTON!'''''

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:'''Batnerd''': I'd rather have a diarrhea dog take '''''LAVA DUMP''''' all over the screen!

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:''[the Batnerd is in shock over the bad controls of the game]''
:'''Batnerd''': '''WH- THIS IS ''FUCKED'' BEYOND BELIEF!!!''' It's like, the controls in this game are like something you do for a cheat code, '''''not a basic move that you HAVE TO DO in order to play the game!''''' '''Why'd they program it in such an ''asinine, ball-brained, cockamamie, RIDICULOUS FASHION?!''''' It's like, geez, there's four buttons right in the front of the controller! '''LIKE, THAT'S ''NOT ENOUGH'' TO WORK WITH?!''' Instead, they have to, like, program it, like, all into, like, weird, kinda, crazy button combinations and shit?! It's like, what were they thinking?! It's like, '''''up''''' is jump?! '''''Select''''' for the grappling hook?! Select shouldn't even be part of the game, select should be like for the ''menus,'' or something. '''I mean, jeez, like, were they tryin' to just ruin this game? Just flat out, just ''fuck it up?!''''' Well, they did! Batman Forever, '''it ''sucked'' back then, and it ''sucks'' forever!'''
:'''Batnerd''': ''[Batman voice]'' '''I'm Batmaaaaan.''' ''[throws &quot;Batman Forever&quot; to the floor]''
:'''Batnerd''': ''[Batman voice]'' That's it, that's all the shitty Batman games I can take. The review's over.
:''[Joker laughs insanely in the background and appears from behind the couch]''
:'''Joker''': Batman! Batman, you wanna play a '''''really shitty''''' Nintendo game, Batman? Well, how 'bout, ''Return of the Joker'' on the Nintendo Entertainment System, Batman?
:'''Batnerd''': ''[normal voice]'' Yeah, but, I'm not really Batman, though.
:'''Joker''': You're not Batman?! Batman, you're Batman, I'm Batman! ''[laughs insanely]'' Come on, Batman, let's play! Come o- ''[Batnerd punches him in the face and picks him up]''
:'''Batnerd''': I'm not playin' anymore shitty Batman games!
:'''Joker''': ''[chortles]'' Yes, you are! ''[water squirts out of the Joker's flower into the Batnerd's face]'' ''[laughs insanely]'' Ooh, Batman, let me give you a hand! ''[The Batnerd grabs the Joker's hand, and gets electrocuted by a joy buzzer while the Joker laughs and puts &quot;Return of the Joker&quot; into the NES Top Loader and the caption &quot;TO BE CONTINUED...&quot; appears on the screen]''
:'''Batnerd''': ''[narrating]'' Will the Batnerd escape the Joker? What bad games does he have up his sleeve? Tune in next episode, same bat time, same bat channel!

=== [[w:List of Batman computer and video games|Batman Part Two]] ===

:'''Batnerd''': Look at this pandemonium! There's a fucking ceiling waiting to come down and kill me, there's a guy throwing an oil drum, if I try to get out of the way I get hit by these rotating blades and shit. I take the guy down, and then I try to set off the ceiling trap, and... I'm dead.
:''[Joker laughs crazily at Batnerd's misfortune]''
:'''Batnerd''': Shut up!
:'''Joker''': [briefly angry] Fuck you, motherfucker! ''[laughs resumes laughing]''

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:'''Batnerd''': ''[playing &quot;Batman: Return of the Joker&quot; on Game Boy]'' The controls are like trying to get a horse to wipe its ass on an eagle.

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:'''Batnerd''': I swear that these games were programmed by [[w:The Joker|the Joker.]]

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:'''Batnerd''': ''[playing ''Batman: Revenge of the Joker'' on Sega Genesis]'' What's with the gargoyle statues? You shoot them and get nothing. What's the point? And why does it hurt you to touch them? '''''BATMAN CAN'T EVEN TOUCH A FUCKING STATUE?!'''''

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:'''Batnerd''': '''''OKAY, SO WHAT'S WITH THIS FUCKING BULLSHIT?!''''' What, do they just die whenever they feel like it? Like is it a glitch, or is it some obscure trick that I don't know about? It's just the first level of the game! '''AGAIN! ''THE FIRST FUCKING LEVEL,'' AND I CAN'T GO ANY FURTHER!''' I've had enough of this catastrophe!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Batnerd''': ''[after subduing the Joker]'' I'm gonna shove these fucking games up your ''ass!'' ''Batman: Revenge of the Joker!'' ''[Joker screams]'' ''Batman: Return of the Joker!'' ''[Joker screams]'' ''Batman Forever!'' ''[Joker screams]'' ''Batman: Return of the Joker'' on Game Boy! ''[Joker screams again]'' And last but not least, ''Batman'' on Commodore 64! ''[Joker screams]''

=== [[w:Deadly Towers|Deadly Towers]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': This is a very special episode because I'm not gonna review the game, the fans are. Yeah. For the first time I asked the fans to recount their experiences with the game and send them to a specified email address. And as a result, this one inbox got over 6,000 messages. So, if you're one of the lucky ones, then I hope you enjoy hearing your words coming out of my mouth. But regardless, thanks for the submissions, thanks for supporting the show, this one's my little reward, to you. Enjoy.

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:'''The Nerd''': Oh, this must be why the attack is so slow: Our hero must pass the blades out of his cock! Hell, if broadswords shooting out of my cock was my only defense against purple inchworms &amp; bats, I’d probably let them kill me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Even the manual says, &quot;You have no confidence in this sword.&quot; What the fuck kind of advice is that? That's like saying &quot;Buddy, if you play this game, '''YOU'RE GONNA GET FUCKED UP THE ASSHOLE WITH A ''PORCUPINE!! GOOD FUCKIN' LUCK, DOUCHEBAG!&quot;''''' 

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:'''The Nerd''':  You get an inventory screen. It's empty right now, but it seems pretty standard. It tells you your life and everything. It also has this thing called 'ludder'. Yeah, it says you have 50 ludder. I can only assume that that's currency, so I Googled it to check what it meant and according to an Urban Dictionary, 'ludder' means 'cheap-ass hoe'! So, therefore we're already starting out with 50 cheap-ass hoes, so we're doing alright for ourselves. I wonder what the exchange rate is for the expensive whores?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''':  Oh, and the music. The bubbly sound of ripping ass isn't even an adequate way to describe the music in this game!

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:'''The Nerd''':  When they named this game ''Deadly Towers'', they weren't kidding. The last time I saw towers this deadly was when they decided the horses need more fiber in their diets! This game is so fucking hard, it's easier to lift an elephant with my ass while singing Old MacDonald!

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:'''The Nerd''': Das Spiel ist Scheiße! Dieses Spiel fickt dich härter als das Leben! (Translation: The game is shit! This game fucks you harder than life!) Well, I gave that a try.

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:'''The Nerd''': This game is like a never-ending turd that bends around and goes into your mouth, thus creating an endless cycle of eating your own shit whilst taking a crap and occasionally puking up the same for all eternity!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Fuck this game! No, better yet, ''don't'' fuck this game! Don't let your friends fuck it! It's '''unfuckworthy!'''

=== [[w:Battletoads|Battletoads]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' ''Battletoads'' on Nintendo. Now, don't worry, it's a good game. It's actually one of the most memorable games in the NES library. But when it first came out, a lot of people were thinkin', &quot;What is this, a cheap ''Ninja Turtles'' knockoff, or somethin'?&quot; But, uh, it was actually pretty good-- ''[he turns to his right and notices Kyle]'' Who the fuck are you?
:'''Kyle:''' I'm your guitar guy. ''[the Nerd doesn't get it.]'' I sing your theme song... from... behind the couch.
:'''The Nerd:''' Well then, go back behind the damn '''''COUCH!''''' Geez!
:'''Kyle:''' You know, that's not the welcome I really expected.
:'''The Nerd:''' Well, look, you can't just sit here while I do the review.
:'''Kyle:''' ''[stutters]'' Why can't I do the review with you?
:'''The Nerd:''' Oh, uh-- '''''because that's not how it WORKS!''''' It's, like, I play the game, and you-- Get your ass back ''behind the'' '''FUCKIN''''  '''''COUCH!!'''''
:'''Kyle:''' ''[angrily; while fighting back his tears]'' I don't ever get to do anything; you don't even use my song that much anymore.
:'''The Nerd:''' Why are you always behind my damn couch anyway?!
:'''Kyle:''' There are no other couches to go behind!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': The intro shows 3 toads: Rash, Pimple, &amp; Zitz. Why such disgusting names? How about Herpes, Genital Warts, &amp; Gonorrhea?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Level 3 restarts]''
:'''The Nerd''': What? You ''gotta'' be fuckin' kidding me. YOU died, but we ''both'' have to restart the level!
:'''Kyle:''' Sorry.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Kyle:''' ''[singing]'' ''He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard...''
:'''The Nerd''': '''YOU BET YOUR ''ASS!!!'''''

=== [[w:Dick Tracy (video game)|Dick Tracy]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': Remember when everybody was talkin' about ''Dick Tracy?'' 1990, the Warren Beatty film comes out. Everybody went from &quot;Who's Dick Tracy?&quot; to '''''&quot;WHOA,''''' Dick Tracy's the '''''SHIT!'''''&quot; It was like a contemporary film noir; stylish with colorful comic book-style visuals and an all-star cast: Al Pacino, Dustin Hoffman, fuckin' Madonna, but it was kinda over-the-top and silly.
:'''Big Boy''': You dumb Dick.
:'''The Nerd''': It was all right, but its popularity was short-lived. I think it was just an excuse for the kids to say &quot;Dick&quot;.
:'''Flattop''': I guess that's the end of Dick.
:'''Itchy''': Yeah. 30 seconds, no more Dick! 30 seconds, no more Dick!
:'''Big Boy:''' Dumb Dick.
:'''The Nerd:''' You know, [[w:Dick Van Dyke|Dick Van Dyke]] is in the movie. ''[turns to the camera]'' You think that's enough Dicks? ''[holds up the &quot;Dick Tracy&quot; VHS to the camera]'' Like, seriously, when this movie came out, I never said &quot;Dick&quot; so much before in my life. Every kid on the block was runnin' around sayin' &quot;Dick Tracy&quot;, &quot;Dick Tracy&quot;, &quot;Dick this&quot; and &quot;Dick that&quot;! My dad said, &quot;Can't you just call him Richard Tracy?&quot; And I was like, &quot;You know... how is 'Dick' short for 'Richard'?&quot; That doesn't even make any sense. It's like Bill and William, or Jim and James. But at least Bill and Will rhyme, and Jim and James both start with a J. But Richard and Dick? Like, nobody ever says &quot;Dickard&quot;.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' So you get to 5th &amp; B, you go inside, and then the game goes to a side-scroller mode. ''[Zooms in on Dick Tracy's in-game sprite]'' What the hell's wrong with Dickard? He looks like he's got a bad suntan.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' So I go straight over to 8th &amp; J, and it's swarming with bad guys. Even going into this place with full health, it's hard to survive to the end. It's hard as Dick. 
:'''The Nerd:''' So, I get to Numbers, I arrest him, and then...I need more ''evidence?''
:''[footage of the game with Dick Tracy's superior officer scolding him by saying, &quot;You need more evidence before you can arrest someone, Tracy! What's wrong with you?&quot; Apparently, the Nerd is just appalled by this, and this is apparently James D. Rolfe's true anger.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' ''[voice cracks]'' You gotta be fuckin' kidding me! That's '''''ridiculous!''''' Like, '''''what?!''''' Like, you have to travel all around and go to five different buildings, four to get the clues, and then the last one to arrest Numbers! ''All without dying once!'' '''THAT'S WHORESHIT!''' ​And I didn't say &quot;horseshit,&quot; I said ''&quot;whorefuck&quot;.'' '''LIKE A ''WHORE'' TAKIN' A ''FUCK!''''' ''[drinks some Rolling Rock]'' You know, remember when you were a little kid, it was fuckin' Friday, you did all your homework, and you rented a game from the local video store. And this was it, this was your whole weekend; this one game. You didn't have anything else to do, so you had no choice, '''''but to keep playing THAT FIRST PART OF THE GAME OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN!'' AND IT'S LIKE, &quot;YOU KNOW WHAT?&quot; IT'S LIKE, &quot;I WANNA SEE THE REST OF THE GAME, ''YOU CAN'T JUST LET THE GAME FUCKIN' WIN LIKE THAT!&quot;''''' So, '''''THAT'S''''' why you don't give up.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' It begs the question: &quot;Are there '''any''' health power-ups?&quot; And to tell you the truth, I've heard that there is. But I haven't found any, not ''one''. I actually found a heart, yeah, a fuckin' heart, but it did absolutely nothing at all. Yeah, a fuckin' heart that did fuckin' nothing! So, where the power-ups are, I have no idea, but they're probably not in any of the main buildings. They're probably in some obscure building that you wouldn't think to go in anyway, and the roof is probably covered with snipers, which defeats the whole purpose of going there.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' I have another update: I've been informed countless times that the hearts ''are'' the power-ups. So, if the hearts are the power-ups, why don't they do anything? Well, here's how it works. You have to select the fuckin' thing. It's called a First Aid Kit. And then you use it by pressing B, right? No, it still doesn't do jack-shit. You have to hold ''down'' Select and press B at the same time. But that doesn't work either, because as soon as you press Select, it goes to the next item. The trick is that you have to select the item that comes ''before'' the First Aid, and then hold ''down'' Select, so ''now'' the First Aid should be selected, while you're still holding Select. ''Then'' you press B, and there you go! ''How the fuck'' was I supposed to know that?! Why couldn't you just push B like all the other items? 'What kind of stupid fuckin' dick-brained idiot programmed it like that?!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' '''''THIS'' IS THE REASON WHY GAME GENIE WAS INVENTED! I'VE BEEN PLAYING THIS GAME FOR ALMOST 20 ''FUCKIN' YEARS,'' AND I STILL ''CAN'T GET PAST THE FIRST STAGE!''''' So why am I still trying? I don't know, I'm just a sucker for Dick Tracy. &quot;Sucker for Dick&quot;, ''that'' didn't sound good. I'm gonna tell you right now that anybody would have given up on this game had it not been for the name. They made one of the most frustrating games of all time, they took the name &quot;Dick Tracy&quot;, and slapped it on the cover just like slapping their own greedy dick! Well, if this game is dick, then we were the '''''balls.'''''
:'''The Nerd:''' And you know, I really wanted to give it a chance, because '''''I KINDA LIKED''''' the idea of finding clues, and figuring out where to go, like it made you think like a detective. But, '''''ONE guy?! No continues?!''''' Like, seriously, give me a reason why there's no continues. '''WHY ARE THERE NO CONTINUES?! ''WHY ARE THERE NO FUCKING CONTINUES?!?''''' &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''WHYYYYYYY?!?! AAAAGH!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt; 
:''[The Nerd guzzles down some more Rolling Rock, does a [[w:Mortal Kombat (1992 video game)|Mortal Kombat]] scream into his pillow, and then has a meltdown.]'' 
:'''The Nerd:''' ''[bellowing]'' '''''FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-FUCKING-FUCKING-FUCK! FUCKING-FUCK! FUUUUUCK!''''' ''[The Nerd finishes his Rolling Rock, grabs a drill and drills through the game as the cartridge spins uncontrollably, then the screen quickly cuts black as the Nerd smashes the game with a hammer.]''

=== [[w:Dracula in popular culture|Dracula]] ===

:'''AVGN''': ''(Playing [[w:The Count (video game)|The Count]] on the [[w:Commodore VIC-20|Commodore VIC-20]], the Nerd types in &quot;Eat pillow&quot; when the game text asks him what he wants to do. The game responds &quot;'''Yuck!'''&quot;)'' Okay, so I ate the pillow? I didn't expect that. &quot;Get up.&quot; ''(Game responds &quot;'''I'm in a bedroom. Closed window. Brass Bed. North.'''&quot;)'' Uhhh...okay. &quot;Go north.&quot; ''(Game responds &quot;'''OK. What shall I do now?'''&quot;)'' Okay, so I went north? What did that do? &quot;Go east.&quot; ''(Game responds &quot;'''OK. What shall I do now?'''&quot;)'' &quot;Go east again.&quot; ''(Game responds &quot;'''Use 1 or 2 words only!'''&quot;)'' Oh okay. I'll give you two words! &quot;Fuck you!&quot; ''(Game responds &quot;'''Don't know how to &quot;FUCK&quot; something.'''&quot; The Nerd looks on in shock, and does a facepalm)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(Playing the unreleased ''[[w:Drac's Night Out|Drac's Night Out]]'' on NES, which features [[w:Reebok Pump|Reebok Pumps]] as a power-up)'' Your only real power-ups are the Reebok Pumps. They let you run faster and jump higher. You really need to get these shoes, because without them, you get your ass handed to you. That's what I call a powerup, and that's what I call a promotion. Reebok Pumps! You ain't shit without it! Pump it up and air it out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Even though it pisses me off, I can't really complain because this game was never released. It's like somebody took a fuck and buried it and then someone else decided to dig it up. It's like &quot;What do you expect?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(Upon finding the name of television producer [[w:Fred Fuchs|Fred Fuchs]] in the credits for ''[[w:Bram Stoker's Dracula (video game)|Bram Stoker's Dracula]]'' on SNES)'' Wait, who's this? Fred Fudge - Fred Fucks?! FRED FUCKS?! Fred Fucks! Oh my God, &quot;Fred Fucks&quot;! Ohh, my God, it's Fred Fucks! (Laughs awkwardly) Fred Fucks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(Playing ''Bram Stoker's Dracula'' on Sega CD)'' I actually did manage to get to Dracula, at least in his first form, and he looks just as laughable as he did in the movie. But the most ridiculous part is when you die.
:'''Keanu Reeves:''' ''(Screams)''
:'''AVGN''': ''(Mimics scream)'' What the hell, is that clip even from the movie? I don't know, maybe it's from ''Bill &amp; Ted''.
:'''Keanu Reeves:''' ''(Screams)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%/&gt;
:'''AVGN''':  The game looks amazing for its time, but the control is what kills it. It's so awkward trying to jump. You fall through shit, and the attacks are so delayed. It's impossible to turn around and hit your enemies before they hit you, you just wish you had a whip or a sword or something, not your bare hands. All you get is this stupid little kick to kick the fuckin' rats. Yeah, that's all it is is just rats and bats. How many fucking games need to have bats? Like seriously, I know it's Dracula, but why does every game have every fucking bats?! Seriously. I! Fucking! Hate! Bats! ''(Bites and fights a bat as he throws a bat to the wall then he groans.)'' I'm sick of it all! Morning sun, VANQUISH ME!!! ''(Opens blinds as he cries out.)''

=== [[w:Frankenstein (disambiguation)|Frankenstein]] ===
:'''AVGN''': Alright, so tonight we'll do something a little different. Cause I haven't tortured myself enough with all these shitty games! So I created a monster to conduct the review for me. Behold, Franken-Nerd! I could really use another bolt of lightning! (lightning strikes and the Nerd pulls the switch) Yeah! It's alive! It's alive!

&lt;hr width&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': This is the game. [Franken-Nerd growls] ''[[w:Mary Shelley's Frankenstein (video game)|Mary Shelley's Frankenstein]]'' on Super Nintendo. Game, good.
:'''Mike Matei as Franken-Nerd''': Good.
:'''AVGN''': [chuckles] You bet your ass it's good. (The Nerd puts in the game) Here's the controller for you, hit start and knock yourself out. Have fun.

&lt;hr width&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(after shutting off Franken-Nerd, who was playing ''The Adventures of Dr. Franken'' for the Nerd up until then)'' The biggest mistake Dr. Frankenstein made. If you're gonna make a monster, you better be able to shut it down. ...But unfortunately, I can't shut off the game, for the monsters in my soul. It's my duty - (Chuckles) &quot;doody&quot; - to play it for myself and ''explain'' why this game sucks! 'Cause I created a monster, and there's no turning back.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(Playing ''[[w:Frankenstein: The Monster Returns|Frankenstein: The Monster Returns]]'' on the [[w:Nintendo Entertainment System|NES]]]'' Stage four is the final stage. Yeah they chose to keep the game as short as possible, yet as annoying as possible. This place is all fucked up. There's all these weird faces in the background. Like where are you supposed to be? Beside Satan's asshole?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': So now, just to try again I gotta type in the fucking password! It's so tedious! I mean it's not the longest password I've ever seen but it's still longer than necessary. But unlike most passwords if you move the d-pads to the sides, it doesn't move your cursor to the other side! So say your cursor's on the letter K and you need to move to J, in most games all you need to do is move your cursor left and it will show up on J. But here, you can't do that! You have to move the cursor all the way to the fucking J! A lot of effort considering J comes right before K. It's so fucked up. And, also, if you enter the password and it turns out that it's wrong, like if you messed up on one letter it erases the whole thing and you gotta type it in all over again! Why can't I just go back and fix the one letter? I really ''hate'' this password thing in general because, what's the point? You should have unlimited continues. Yeah, because the only reason you should have to put in a password is if you turn the game off and want to come back to it later. As long as you're still playing, you're gonna keep playing the same stages over and over and over again, so what's the point of sending you all the way back to the beginning? The earlier stages are the easiest, and those are the stages you end up playing the most. It's the later stages where you need the most practice! It's all about trial and error. Like imagine if in high school, you fail out of senior year. What happens? You do senior year again, right? You don't have to go back and do freshman year again! So, BOTTOM LINE, HAVE UNLIMITED CONTINUES! Goddammit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Anyway, I can't get past the vines so I'm going to cheat with Game Genie, the last resort. But check out these codes! &quot;Almost unlimited energy&quot;, &quot;Invincibility after losing first life - May cause the game to freeze&quot;, &quot;Start with no continues&quot;, &quot;Can not collect extra energy&quot;, and &quot;One hit is fatal&quot;! What kinds of codes are these!? Is there like some sick fuck who thinks the game isn't hard enough? Like somebody who wants to be tortured some more? Well, how about this? I got a code for you. How about a code that just starts you off dead? ''(Subtitle: &quot;PHUCKEWE&quot;)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': At first the code works fine but then I found out if you collect energy it takes life away. Not that you would need to collect energy, but it's kinda silly, isn't it? And, guess what, once you get to the vines, you still die! Well, that would have been nice! Why couldn't the code say Invincibility Except For The Vines? Even if you pass the vines the invinciblity goes away so you're left with your own wits to fight Frankenstein. So, fuck the Game Genie, and let me tell you when Game Genie doesn't help, you know you're fucked! ''(the Nerd throws the Game Genie.)'' So, you fight Frankenstein. His first form's pretty easy, but, then, he grows into a giant Super Frankenstein. Come on! Come on! Come on, you fucking Fuckinstein! ''(Lightning strikes the Franken-Nerd and he starts attacking the Nerd while he's fighting Super Frankenstein and a rock version of the Angry Video Game Nerd theme plays then the Nerd eventually beats Super Frankenstein)'' Yeah! ''(The NES Toploader electrocutes the TV as the TV explodes, an explosion kills the Franken-Nerd)''

=== [[w:CD-i|CD-i Part One]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Ohhhhh, boy, let’s talk about the Philips CD-i. Now, if you’re not familiar with the backstory, I’ll give you a quick little run-down. Nintendo was working in conjunction with Philips to produce a CD-based add-on for the Super NES, which never came through. Now Nintendo was also working with Sony on the same concept, and we all know what came of that: the PlayStation. (The Nerd holds up the PlayStation with both hands.) But as for Philips, they too made their own game console, however they had permission to utilize some of the Nintendo franchises. Now what came to that was a shitty Mario game, (Hotel Mario) and three shitty Zelda games: Link: The Faces of Evil, Zelda’s Adventure, and Zelda: The Wand of Gamelon. (The Nerd tries to open the awkward looking case for &quot;Wand of Gamelon.&quot;) (awkwardly) Okay. These games are ''notorious'' for their legendary ass suckage, which is hard to believe! How can there exist a bad ''Zelda'' game, let alone ''three'' of them? And on a console that's not Nintendo? Well if you haven't heard of 'em, you might think you're living under a rock, but let me tell you, it's a rock worth living under.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': But before we get to the ''Zelda'' games, let's start off with ''[[w:Hotel Mario|Hotel Mario]]''. The price on this one, I got to be honest, was zero because this one was a donation. Thanks, Casey! You might as well have sent me a turd wrapped in tinfoil.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': So, often, you find yourself having to hit up on the down arrow, and when you go down to the up arrow you press down. That's fucking confusing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The game is actually more reminiscent of arcade games from the early ‘80s like Donkey Kong and Mario Bros. And for something like that, Hotel Mario actually isn’t too bad. It is challenging, I’ll give it that, but the fact is, this was not the early ‘80s; this was 1994, and it was a next-generation console. Originally, they planned to release a sequel to [[w:Super Mario World|Super Mario World]] titled [[w:Super Mario’s Wacky Worlds|Super Mario's Wacky Worlds]], but it was cancelled, and what we got was this. (Hotel Mario) End of story. Well, all the CD-i stuff is a shit sandwich that’s too big for one mouthful. So check in for Part 2, we’re gonna look at the Zelda games.

=== [[w:CD-i|CD-i Part Two]] ===
:'''AVGN''': ''(discussing the boss battles)'' When you kill them, you get these amusing cutscenes.
:'''Hectan''': You've killed me!
:'''Zelda''': Good!
:'''AVGN''': ''(horrified face)'' &quot;Good!&quot; ''(laughs)'' &quot;You killed me!&quot; &quot;Good!&quot; ''(laughs insanely, then starts saying &quot;FUCK!&quot; in a very chicken-like voice while giving both middle fingers. Then he stops and picks up Rolling Rock)'' Gotta calm down. ''(drinks it, then resumes playing)'' Oh, man, I'm going completely insane. But I can't quit because I'm up to Ganon.
:'''Ganon''': YOU DARE BRING LIGHT TO MY LAIR!? YOU MUST DIE!
:'''AVGN''': He looks like a joke! He makes the Ganon from the cartoon series look badass!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Well, in conclusion, some might say that there are redeeming factors to this game. The music's pretty cool, and the graphics are nice and colorful. Some might call it a &quot;mixed bag.&quot; But let me tell you what kind of mixed bag. It’s a trash bag that's had a bad day. Like, say, your mom cleans out the cat litter; fresh and stale doody pebbles go right in the bottom of the bag. And then your sister throws out her used tampons, and where do they go? In the same bag. And then your brother comes home, piss-ass drunk, just upchucks, pukes right into the bag! Now, I'm not trying to be disgusting, but that is a realistic situation, and what it all comes down to, that's a nasty bag. But I'd rather take that shit out to the garbage than deal with this piece of fuck! Fuck this game, get out of my face!

=== [[w:CD-i|CD-i Part Three]] ===

:'''AVGN''': ''(Playing ''[[w:CD-i games based on The Legend of Zelda series|Link: The Faces of Evil]]'')'' And the jumping is still a big problem. Come on, why can't I get up there? ''(Link falls off platform)'' Oh, your mother! ''(Link jumps up and misses)'' Oh, you son of a bitch. Get up there! ''(Link jumps up and misses again, later falls off ledge)'' ''Ungh!'' ''(Link jumps up and misses once again)'' It's time to start droppin' some F-Bombs! ''(as literal F-Bombs fly from his mouth)'' FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The darkness is still a huge issue. Look, my lantern oil ran out, so I can't find my way back. So I'm really up Shit Creek without a paddle! And that means I'm paddling through the shit with my hands.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Talking to people is still a strange ordeal. Why do you have to shove a sword up their ass? Right up their ass.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Then you gotta wake Zelda. Come on! I'm here to rescue your royal ass. Get the hell up! Wake the fuck up! ''(swings the sword at the gong above Zelda)'' Oh, I get it.
:'''Link:''' I just saved you from Ganon! I won!
:'''AVGN''': Nothing short of poetry.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': In other Zelda games, there’s secret passageways that transport you all around the dungeon. That makes sense. But here, when you’re just walking to the next screen, and suddenly appear some place different on the map, it’s like, &quot;What the Hell happened to this game?&quot; I don't believe this! Like, [Stammers] I seriously don't believe this! ''[drinks beer]'' That's it, that's all I can take. How could they fuck up ''Zelda'' this bad!? It's not a ''Zelda'' game, I wouldn't call it that. &quot;Oh, but it is. It has Zelda in it, it has Link...&quot; Yeah, you know what, that's a pointless argument right there. That's like if your dad said, &quot;I fucked your mom.&quot; It's like: &quot;I can't argue with that!&quot; Playing these games is as worthwhile as melting a dog turd in a frying pan. Yeah, put some buffalo puke and some cat piss all over it, and you have a shit sandwich that is Zelda CD-i! This game FUCKING SUCKS! ''(hurls a game off-screen)'' FUCKING SUCKS! ''(hurls a second game off-screen)'' FUCKING SUCKS! ''(hurls a third game off-screen)'' Oh yeah, and the ''Mario'' game? That one sucks too! ''(hurls ''Hotel Mario'' off-screen)'' CD-i SUCKS!!! ''(as the screen fade to black, AVGN is heard seemingly hurling the CD-i console itself as well)''

=== Bible Games II ===

:'''AVGN''': Welcome to another sacrilegious Christmas fuck-fest! Now, two years ago, I played a bunch of Bible games. Yeah, now would you believe there's actually more of them? (He holds more Bible games) Like, who makes video games based off the Bible? Why would you do that? These games suck ass! If I was God, I'd be pissed.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(playing ''[[w:Exodus (video game)|Exodus]]'' on the NES)'' So the exit appears, you take it and then you get a bunch of Bible questions such as &quot;'''The king of Egypt told the Hebrew midwives to: Kill male babies; Kill all babies;'''&quot; &quot;Kill all babies&quot;? I'm playing an NES game that says &quot;''Kill all babies''&quot;? And you know what? That's the wrong answer, so that obviously means that's something they made up. &quot;Kill all babies&quot;!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(playing ''[[w:Sunday Funday|Sunday Funday]]'' which is a clone of Menace Beach)'' Instead of trying to rescue your girl, you're not even going to believe this when I tell you, you're trying to get to Sunday school. Yeah. Now, as much as that's the dumbest idea I've ever heard for a game, what I don't understand is why that's so difficult! Who ''are'' these raging atheists that don't want you to go to church!? It's bad enough that the entire town is trying to stop you, but what's with the flying clowns, the old ladies coming out of boxes, and animals coming out of sewer holes? What's this guy's problem? Like why does everyone want him dead? I'd say he's having quite a day. And the funny thing is, he probably gets to church and doesn't even mention it, like: &quot;Oh what did you do on this Sunday morning before church?&quot; &quot;Oh, well I flew on a balloon that I got from some clown, and then I went through the sewers and beat up a bunch of plumbers. I hopped on some frog and bounced around on a bunch of springs and shit, then I threw a bomb and blew some guy's fuckin' face off.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': All right, well that's enough with that one. It's time to wrap things up. I've got something to blow the lid off the crap barrel. Time to flick the shit switch, turn up the diarrhea dial! IT'S BIBLE GAMES ON CD-I!! Yeah! We're living on the edge! More like living on a prayer!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(playing'' Pyramid Pursuit ''on'' Moses: The Exodus'' for CD-i)'' The voices are the fuckest baloney shit you'll ever hear.
:'''Anubis statue''': ''(in monotone)'' I'm an idol worshipped by many. There's someone downstairs who worships me.
:'''AVGN''': What is it, a robot?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Alright, well I'm done. There's not really any more Bible games, or at least ones that actually qualify as games. There's one on Game Boy called The King James Bible. It's extremely rare, but all it is is literally the whole Bible on a Game Boy cartridge. So I'm gonna draw the line right there. So have a Happy Holidays and all that good shit. Merry Christmas to all, and all a good fucking night!

=== [[w:Michael Jackson's Moonwalker|Michael Jackson's Moonwalker]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' I think Dave Chappelle said it best, he made ''Thriller. [opens the vinyl record of &quot;Thriller&quot;] Thriller.''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Now, I know what we're all thinking here, but really, that's all it is. You're just rescuing the kids.
:''[He is shocked to learn that you can make Michael Jackson grab his crotch.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Why...? Why would they put that in the game?! ''How'' could they put that in the game?!

=== [[w:Milon's Secret Castle|Milon's Secret Castle]] ===
:''[Milon runs out a door, and gets hit by lightning in-game.]'' 
:'''The Nerd''': Fuck.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': I'm gonna give you a little tour. Here's the first part of the game. You could explore the whole outside of the castle, but you can't go up to the second level yet. For now, all you have is three doors and a window. The first door leads to a room that has nothing interesting. The only thing interesting here is an area with a bunch of money. But how the Hell do you get over there? It's like the game is deliberately taunting you. &quot;Hey, you want that money, don't ya? You want that money, yeah, you want that money, you want that money? Yeah, well '''fuck you''', you can't have it!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So, that's when you need... the power. ''[The Nerd puts down the controller and gets out his Nintendo Power magazine.]'' ''Nintendo Power''! It's like: &quot;You wanna know how to beat the game? Well, you gotta '''buy our magazine''', you dumb little shits!&quot; 
:'''The Nerd''': This is the ''Classified Information'' section. Usually, this is all about cheats. &quot;''Golgo 13'': Stage Select. ''Spy Hunter'': Start with all weapons. ''Wizards and Warriors'': Bypass the Wizard! ''Mario 2'': Short Cuts to Birdo. ''Milon's Secret Castle'': Getting Started?&quot; That's not a cheat! That's just how to play the fuckin' game! The basic rules of the game needed ''Nintendo Power''. ''That''... is some fuck!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''':''Milon's Secret Castle''. More like '''''Milon's SHITTY ASSHOLE'''''!

== Season Four ==

=== [[w:Atari Jaguar|Atari Jaguar Part One]] ===
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:'''AVGN''': This started a little trend I like to call the &quot;Bit Wars.&quot; Nobody ever talked about bits before that and nobody ever talked about bits since. And what are bits, anyway? Nobody knew, they're just bits! Try explaining that to your parents. &quot;Well I want a [[w:Super Nintendo|Super Nintendo]] for Christmas!&quot; &quot;Don't you already have a Nintendo?&quot; &quot;Yeah, but this one's 16 bit!&quot; &quot;What's that?&quot; &quot;...I dunno!&quot;

=== [[w:Atari Jaguar|Atari Jaguar Part Two]] ===

:'''AVGN''': ''(playing ''[[w:Attack of the Mutant Penguins|Attack of the Mutant Penguins]]'')'' This is the weirdest game I've ever played. I mean, it's not ''bad'' if you're drunk or high or something, but how did they come up with this shit? I got it. I could come up with a game like this. How about, you're a shark? And you gotta shake palm trees 'til trains fall down. And you put the trains in an apple and then turkeys come and eat the apples, and then the turkeys go up waterfalls and to get them down, you have to collect monkey butts. So you drop the monkey butts on power lines and... ''(trails off and mimes his brain exploding)''

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:'''Skylar''': ''(the green face from ''[[w:Cybermorph|Cybermorph]]'' appears from behind AVGN's futon and chases him off)'' Where did ''you'' learn to fly? Where did ''you'' learn to fly? Where did ''you'' learn to fly?
:'''AVGN''': ''(shoots Skylar's image with the Super Scope)'' Where'd ''you'' learn to be an ''asshole''?!

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:'''AVGN''':There's something about this that perplexes me. You have a game console, that not many people owned, so you make an add-on that requires owning the game console. What were they thinking?! It should've just been its own individual game system. Besides, the fucking thing has its own AC adapter. So, that's two. One for the Jaguar, and one for the Jaguar CD. And that's some cool looking design. It looks just like a toilet. Yeah! It's a fucking toilet! What a perfect analogy. 

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:'''AVGN''': Well, thanks for trying. And thanks for the Pong console. Would you believe that a 30-year-old Pong console attached to a cell phone adapter would work, but a cutting-edge, snarling Jaguar doesn't? There's something wrong here. And you know what? I blew 250 bucks on this thing. So, you know what I did? Bought another one. Yeah, and guess what? It doesn't work, either! So, that's about $450 total I blew on two dead Jaguars. And these things are rare! So when the only two that I can manage to get my hands on just don't work, that leads me to believe that these things most definitely are self-aware. They don't wanna work! You can't make 'em! They just REFUSE to be reviewed! And I've never had that happen. So, the end... I gotta take a shit.

=== [[w:Metal Gear (video game)|Metal Gear]] ===
:'''AVGN''': And his full name is [[w:Solid Snake|Solid Snake]]? Might as well just be Erect Cock!

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:'''AVGN''': What!? '''You son-of-a-bitch!''' The enemies respawn if you use the binoculars! You can't do anything! Was this a glitch?! Or were the game designers deliberately trying to be '''FUCKIN' ASSHOLES!!?''' Seriously! And this whole jungle scene wasn't even in the original version. Like, &quot;Hmm, let's see, what kind of stupid shit can we add? Let's take a great game and just dump an assload of diarrhea all over it.&quot;

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:'''AVGN''': This game is the fucking crust between your balls. It's terrible! And yeah, I know it's a classic game, but when something's fucked up, it's fucked up. So if you wanna rip me a new asshole, that's fine. I have like 12. Yeah, I've got a [[w:Charlie Brown|Charlie Brown]] ghost ass.

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:'''AVGN''': And it's not just me. [[w:Hideo Kojima|Hideo Kojima]] himself said &quot;It slurped anal grease through a warthog's dickhole.&quot; Well, he didn't say it like that, he said it wasn't faithful to his original game.

=== [[w:Magnavox Odyssey|Odyssey]] ===

:'''AVGN''': These are the games. Pretty elaborate, right? The titles are the best part. Like what are some of the games you grew up with? Maybe ''Wrecking Crew'' on the NES, or ''After Burner'' on the Sega Master System, or, how about, game number 1 on the Odyssey?

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:'''AVGN''': Now let's try the skiing game. All you do is move the light through the slopes, and with these controllers, it's harder than it looks. The only goal is to stay in the line and see how fast you can get to the end. It's up to the other player to keep time. Now THAT is what you would call a ''desperate'' attempt at a video game.

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:'''AVGN''': This one's called &quot;Analogic&quot;. Yeah, that sounds fun: It's like the logic in your ass. It's supposed to take place in outer space. You each start on your own planet. I guess maybe Uranus and My-anus!

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:'''AVGN''': ''(talking about the name-the-United-State game)'' I also love how the instructions tell you that Alaska and Hawaii aren't really down there ''(below the 48 consecutive states)''. Hey, Nerdy Turd, did you know that Hawaii isn't really south of Texas?
:'''Nerdy Turd:''' ''(raspberry)''

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:'''AVGN''': So now, let's see what the Odyssey Gun looks like. ''(removes the peripheral, resembling an authentic rifle, out of its box)'' Well, the Odyssey doesn't fuck around. I mean, this is what you'd call a ''gun''. I mean look at it! It's a gun! It's a fucking rifle! I mean, they could never get away with this nowadays! You could never, ever... it ju- it just blows my mind that there could exist a video game console that has a gun like this! ''(expresses happiness)'' Let's try it out! (hooks up the Odyssey gun and fires it, accidentally shooting a hole in his TV screen)

=== [[w:List of X-Men video games|X-Men]] ===
:'''AVGN''': Anyway, with a concept like ''X-Men'', you'd expect a great game. Or at least, a fairly decent game. All the characters and powers and shit... How hard could it be? Well, we are doomed from the very start. Take a look: ''(holds up ''[[w:The Uncanny X-Men (video game)|The Uncanny X-Men]]'' for NES)'' Somebody makes an ''X-Men'' game for Nintendo, why in the love of fuck does it have to be [[w:LJN|LJN]]? You take one look at that logo, and you just know: There is no gold at the end of that rainbow, because this, my friends, is the unholy stamp of death.

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:'''AVGN''': How I can be frozen with a character that's called Iceman? I'd be better off with Iceman from ''Top Gun''.

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:'''AVGN''': The X-Men game I remember most fondly is the [[w:X-Men (1992 video game)|arcade]] by Konami. Some versions have six players and a double panoramic screen. It was extremely monotonous, but satisfying as all Hell.
:'''Magneto''': X-Men, welcome to die!
:'''AVGN''': Welcome to die? Okay. It was a classic style beat 'em up, and one of the best in that category. Only problem: it was never released on a home console. It suffered the same fate as Konami's Simpsons game. Some might say these games would have been butchered on their home counterparts, but if you look at how well Turtles in Time fared on the Super NES, it only raises the question: &quot;Why the fuck not do the same to X-Men and Simpsons?&quot;

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:'''AVGN''': When it comes to X-Men games, that's how I recommended. But the two NES versions? Stay away. Stay away as far as possible. They suck. They suck balls! This one sucks my left ball, this one sucks my right ball! WELCOME TO DIE! ''(destroys the NES games with laser beams from his eyes)''

=== [[w:Terminator video games|The Terminator]] ===
:''[Terminator-styled AVGN intro, followed by the Nerd picking up the NES &quot;Terminator&quot; cartridge. He uses Terminator vision to choose from a selection of responses: &quot;This sucks!&quot;, &quot;No way!&quot;, &quot;Oh no!&quot;, &quot;What a piece of fucking dog shit!&quot; and &quot;Go to Hell!&quot;. He settles on &quot;What a piece of fucking dog shit!&quot;]''
:'''The Nerd''': What a piece of fuckin dog shit!

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[He returns to NES Terminator after mining lives by attaching a wrench to the controller]'' Alright, I'm back. I'm all refreshed, ready to play some more ''Terminator'' with all new extra lives. All 6 of 'em... ''[The Nerd stops after he finds out that he still only has 6 lives]'' ''(shocked)'' 6? '''''Only 6?!'''''  OK, I gotta be honest. It's only one digit, I didn't expect more than nine. But why a random number like 6?! That means that some fucked up masochist actually programmed it that way, and made a decision, &quot;Hmm, let's see. Well, anything more than 6, that's too much.&quot; Fuckin' asshole! The only thing I can think of now, is to wait 'til you die 5 times and do it again.

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing the SNES game]'' After such a long sprint, you'd think that thing was maybe the boss, but no, how naïve. So you keep running this everlasting shitty marathon, shooting shit and getting shit shot at you. Eventually you come to the boss, right? It's certainly big enough to be the boss, and it certainly took long enough to get this far. I'm gonna say it's the boss. Come on, die! Die! Yeah, alright, that's it. What now? What? Are you fucking kidding me? Holy mother in fucking God shit holy mackerel gosh damn, how is it not over yet?! How long could this first level possibly go?! Unless maybe the whole game is like this! I just can't fuckin' believe it! So I died, like anybody would. Game Over. First level goes on forever. Can't beat it. End of story. The game's impossible.

=== [[w:Terminator video games|Terminator 2: Judgement Day]] ===

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:'''AVGN''': ''[on ''Terminator 2'' on SNES]'' All I can say is, my ''God,'' the control is ''so'' bad. It's so stiff, and you can't punch anyone when they're too close. But check out the jump. What is that good for? It's like he's a marionette, or he's being hanged by an invisible rope. ''(The Terminator hops forward awkwardly)'' Like, holy Lord, that is some fuck right there. Look at him go! Wooo, wooo, wooo! ''(chuckling)'' Oh, God. I can't see the reasoning behind it. You can't make something that funny by accident. They took somebody as badass as the Terminator, and made him into a mockery. It's a fuckin' joke! And I'm not just doin' this to be funny, it's because of how slow he walks. The only way to go any faster is to hop around like a fuckin' idiot.

=== [[w:Transformers: Convoy no Nazo|Transformers]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': Let me ask a question. What kind of format do you usually play video games on? Cartridges, CDs, cards, floppy disks... how about an audio cassette? Isn't that just a weird thought to play a game on a friggin' cassette tape? This is Transformers for the Commodore 64, the computer that is most definitely more than meets the eye.

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[reviewing ''[[w:The Transformers (1986 video game)|Transformers]]'' on the Commodore 64]'' By the way, I'm at a farm with a dinosaur stepping on a space shuttle. I have no comment.

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:'''The Nerd''': Wouldn't you think that a game based on the Transformers would have more emphasis on action rather than this strategic simulation thing? Well, guess what? There was a Transformers game that was a side-scroller. But only in Japan. Let me introduce the Nintendo Famicom. Simply put, this is the Japanese [[w:Nintendo Entertainment System|NES]]. Very different from that gray box, isn't it? This one's smaller and it's a top-loader. It has a nice dust tray. And the controller's attached to the console, which is efficient. But the wires are too short, and they're hardwired into the console, so you can never change them. The controllers are the same; Select, Start, B, A. But the second controller, instead of Select and Start, it has a microphone. Very few games utilized this. From what I understand, in The Legend of Zelda, you kill Pols Voice by making a loud noise into the mic. Of course that's only in the Japanese version, but the manual still says that Pols Voice hates loud noises, which only mystified players outside of Japan. 

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[reviewing &quot;Transformers: Convoy no Nazo&quot;]'' Everything's so small, so fast, and moves at such irregular patterns, hitting your mark is like trying to piss into a shot glass that's spinning on a record player that's strapped to a running cheetah's back while you're riding a unicycle on a tightrope blindfolded.

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:''[the Nerd is fighting the boss battle against [[w:Megatron (Transformers)|Megatron]] in stage nine.]''
:'''The Nerd''': It's the end of the road, Megatron!  UUNNNHH! '''HUUAAH!''' '''''HUNNNGGHH!'''''! Come on, come on, die! Hugh! ''[defeats Megatron]'' BOOM! Yeeeaaaah!!! Now that's some intense shit right there. In conclusion, all I can say about this game--
:''[as the Nerd is talking, the level startup music plays and the stage theme begins playing again, this time for the tenth and final stage. The Nerd pauses the game in disbelief.]''
:'''The Nerd''': Stage ''ten?'' I fuckin' beat Megatron, who the hell could be next? Fuckin' &quot;stage ten&quot;, my ass! I'm guessing if Megatron's not the final boss, it's gotta be [[w:Galvatron|Galvatron]] or maybe [[w:Unicron|Unicron]] or Fuckitron, who knows. 
:''[the final boss of the game is [[w:Trypticon|Trypticon]], who is in his form that makes him strongly resemble [[w:Mechagodzilla|Mecha-Godzilla]].]''
:'''The Nerd''': Oh. It's Mecha-Godzilla. Of course. I should've known.

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:'''The Nerd''': So now, is it any wonder why this game was never released outside of Japan? ''''''CAUSE NOBODY ELSE WANTS TO PLAY THIS FUCKIN' SHIT!''''' Well, I gotta do what I gotta do. ''[points the Zapper at the Famicom]'' One shall stand, one shall-- ''[the Famicom transforms into Optimus Prime.]'' Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa. Who are you?
:'''Optimus Prime:''' My name is Optimus Prime.
:'''The Nerd''': Well, you don't look anything like-- ''[Optimus blasts the Nerd with a laser]'' '''''Ugh!'''''
:'''Optimus Prime:''' ''[using audio from ''[[w:The Transformers: The Movie|The Transformers: The Movie]]'']'' (You, who are without mercy, now plead for it?) I thought you were made of sterner stuff.

=== [[w:Mario is Missing|Mario Is Missing]] ===

:'''AVGN''': What's this say? &quot;Koopas seem to have gotten clean away with King Kong&quot;? Are you telling me you're supposed to return [[w:King Kong|King Kong]] to the [[w:Empire State Building|Empire State Building]]? This blows my mind on '''so''' many levels. First of all, how did the Koopas capture King Kong? Second, why is New York City concerned that King Kong was stolen from the Empire State Building? Remember when the planes were tryin' to shoot him down? Isn't it pretty clear they want Kong '''''off''''' the building? Third, if this is supposed to be an educational game teaching us things that belong to New York City, '''''WHY IN THE HOLY MOTHER OF FUCK DID THEY CHOOSE A GIANT APE THAT DOESN'T EVEN EXIST?!''''' Fourth, the bag. Okay, King Kong is like, 50 feet tall or somethin'? But in this game, they made him out to be, like, 1,500 feet. How big ''is'' he exactly? Well, if bigger than the Empire State Building isn't a good enough analogy, then let's just say, '''''A LOT BIGGER THAN THAT FUCKIN' BAG!''''' And fifth, I can't grasp the concept that King Kong is in a ''Mario'' game, the same character that was a direct inspiration for Donkey Kong, who also appeared in games with the Mario character. Are we running into some kinda paradox here or what?

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:'''AVGN''': There's sort of like a help desk where you're supposed to return the object or the landmark or whatever, but the lady at the window won't talk to you unless you call Yoshi to come and give ya an extra boost. Okay, so are you telling me that the reason that stupid bitch won't talk to you at first is because Luigi is too short to reach the window? For fuck's sake, he can jump higher than the shittin' thing! How stupid do they think we are?! &quot;'''Use Yoshi to reach the help desk'''&quot;. Well, how about use my greasy Italian plumber cock to whack you across the fuckin' face!?

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:'''AVGN''': You know what? Educate me. '''Please''' educate me. Because, I'm goin' through sensory deprivation! I'm so fuckin' bored I'd rather go back to school than play this shit!

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:'''AVGN''': Educational or not, these games are '''''horrible''''' abominations of space and time that give insult to the very fabric of nature itself! In other words... they suck.

=== [[w:Plumbers Don't Wear Ties|Plumbers Don't Wear Ties]] ===

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:'''AVGN''': I remember in the early '90s seeing commercials for the 3DO. It was advertised as the most advanced game system and it forced itself right into your face, like: &quot;If you don't get this thing, you're gonna get left in the dust.&quot; It even went out of its way to insult Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis, saying that those are just baby toys. Well, everybody I knew had those &quot;baby toys&quot; and nobody--I repeat, NOBODY, I have ever met owned a 3DO. Probably because its price in the US was $700. I mean, FUCK. But you better buy it, because this is the real gaming console. That was its slogan, REAL, because it's a real pieceashit!

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:'''AVGN''': Well, the game is called &quot;Plumbers Don't Wear Ties&quot;, so I guess it makes sense. He's a plumber, and I don't see him wearing a tie. ''(The moment he says tie, John is shown wearing a tie.)'' ''What the fuck?'' You can't even trust the fuckingdamn title!

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:'''Thresher:''' You know, perhaps something can be worked out after all. ... Take your clothes off, Jane.
:'''AVGN''': Oh shit.
:'''Thresher:''' You know, we get at least 200 qualified applicants for every position here. It's those people who do that little extra thing. They're the ones who get head-I mean get ahead.
:'''AVGN''': Oh, what a bad joke. It doesn't even have any relevance now. He just told her to take off her clothes. He might as well say straight out, &quot;Suck my cock.&quot;
:'''Thresher:''' TAKE YOUR DAMN CLOTHES OFF!
:'''AVGN''': What a pervert! And what's with all the filters? ''(wrong answer sound effect plays)''
:'''Narrator''': Now see how your sick curiosity led Jane into this mess?
:'''AVGN''': Time for another decision. Either she refuses to take off her clothes, or she accepts. Now, wait a minute. The first decision says, &quot;Our heroine declines the disgusting proposal!&quot; But in the image, she seems to be taking off her clothes. While running away, but still. It doesn't make any sense. Did they swap the images by accident? So let's go with the more interesting choice. ''(Jane is now shown undressed, holding a whip and handcuffs)'' ''Damn!'' She just happened to have a whip and handcuffs?! ''(imitating Thresher)'' Wow, I'd no idea she'd actually do it! ''(Jane now has Thresher, in his underwear, on his knees in an S&amp;M position. The Nerd is utterly shocked by this scene.)'' WHAT KIND OF FUCKED-UP GAME IS THIS!!? 

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:'''AVGN''': Now for the final choice. Either, &quot;'''I want the Hollywood ending!'''&quot; or &quot;'''Gimme something different.'''&quot; Yeah, you know what? Give me something different. Give me a different fuckin' game! ''(tosses the game away)'' This is one of the worst things I have ever seen in my life. On the box, it says, &quot;Plays like a game...but feels like a MOVIE!!!&quot; Well that's horse shit. It does not play like a game, and it ''certainly'' does not feel like a movie. It's a slideshow that verges on being softcore porn. But it isn't that either! ''(video goes into different still photos of the Nerd with filters and crazy objects inserted.)'' It's like some kind of experimental art project. If I just made a bunch of shit and put all kinds of filters on it, that would be the same as this miserable pile of fuck. It would also be the same to go take a shit on a piece of toast on top of a roof while wearing a fish mask singing I’m Too Sexy.

=== [[w:The Bugs Bunny Crazy Castle|The Bugs Bunny Crazy Castle]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': All right. That's it. I'm done with this game. I'd rather press my face against a hippopotamus' butt while it muck-spreads! That's when a hippo takes a shit; rather than allowing the shit to drop from its anus, it presses its tail against its ass crack, waving it back and forth, shredding the shit all over the place! That's as much fun as this game is, like putting a turd in a fan or a band saw. You just don't do it.
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:'''The Nerd''': Come on, I thought toons like to get beat up!
:'''Bugs Bunny:''' We do, doc. But you know what we don't like? Getting shit on the '''FUCKIN' ''FACE!!'''''

=== [[w:Super Pitfall|Super Pitfall!]] ===
:'''AVGN''': ''[At the beginning of the game, Pitfall Harry climbs down the first ladder and dies]'' Nice. Fucking beautiful. The first ladder you see drops you into a pit where you get killed by a bird or a bat, whatever it is. And even if it wasn't there, I'd fall on the spikes. So it's basically death insurance. &quot;Let's put every kind of obstacle we can possibly think of in the very beginning of the game.&quot; You know, I'm disappointed. Couldn't there have been lava on top of the spikes, with fire sharks swimming in it? Couldn't there be more spikes coming from the sides ready to close in and squash me while stabbing at the same time? How 'bout some laser cannons and upside down volcanoes? You want to be even more efficient? Why even have the ladder? Why not just start the game falling down the pit? Fuckin' assholes! [sighs] Talk about a beginner's trap. They sure nailed it.
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:'''AVGN''': So we're jumping around in thin air, trying to find different suits, like spades, hearts and diamonds. What purpose does this have? I found the princess... does he need to play Poker with her or something?

=== [[w:Godzilla video games|Godzilla]] ===

:'''AVGN''': ''(failing to defeat [[wikipedia:Mechagodzilla|Mechagodzilla]]]'' THAT FUCKIN' TIME LIMIT! THAT MOTHERFUCKIN'-SHIT-SUCKIN' TIME LIMIT! It's not even like there's a counter! It's like the game just pulls the plug! Like: &quot;Oh, you're gonna win? Well not anymore, ya ass-backed fecal-fucker shit-faced anus brain!&quot; The game cheats. That's it. That's all there is to it. The game fuckin' cheats.

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:'''AVGN''': ''(reviewing ''[[w:Godzilla (Game Boy)|Godzilla]]'' on Game Boy)'' How could they do this to the king of the monsters!? They might as well have Godzilla in a clown suit jumping on a pogo stick. I'm not even gonna waste my time with this shit. The best way to sum this up is to recite a very famous quote from [[w:William Shakespeare|William Shakespeare]]: &quot;Fuck it!&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': 15 years later, I'm still pissed. All I wanted was a good Godzilla game, but my childhood passed me by, and I never got it. [He drinks beer] But nowadays, there's plenty of Godzilla games: ''[[w:Godzilla: Destroy All Monsters Melee|Godzilla Destroy All Monsters Melee]]'', ''[[w:Godzilla: Save the Earth|Godzilla: Save the Earth]]'', and ''[[w:Godzilla: Unleashed|Godzilla: Unleashed]]''. This is after my time. I don't know anything about this here PlayStation 2 and Xbox shit. But I'm gonna give it a try.

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:'''AVGN''': ''(Comparing modern-day ''Godzilla'' games to the above titles)'' These games suck Baragon's sweaty ballsack! I'd rather get an electric shock from suckin' Mecha-Godzilla's mechanical wiener! These games are ''shit, drizzling'' out of the Smog Monster's rancid putrid a-hole! And then, being swallowed and barfed up by Anguirus while I lay on his spikes getting Gigan's buzzsaw up my ass, ''while Destoroyah dumps his diabolical diarrhea all over my face!'' Man, it's just a bunch of fuck, it's a pile of cunt, fuck, shit, fuck...cunt...fuck..Goddammit! I just said &quot;fuck&quot; from the bottom of my heart and I said every curse that there is. There's nothing left. So, you know what? Somebody's gotta invent a new curse word. I think I got it. This game, these fuckin' games are... ''SCUNT!!!'' Oh, yeah. It's that bad.

=== [[w:Wayne's World (video game)|Wayne's World]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' The enemies are the most cliché you could possibly think of. When would Wayne and Garth ever be fighting spiders and ninjas? Who cares, right? As long as the game says ''Wayne's World,'' kids will want it.
:'''Noah Vanderhoff:''' Kids know dick.
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:'''The Nerd:''' Every time he gets hit, he says &quot;NOT!&quot;
:'''Wayne:''' '''''NOT!'''''
:'''The Nerd:''' That doesn't make any sense. What is he saying &quot;not&quot; to? Usually, the word &quot;not&quot; follows a sarcastic statement. It's like explaining it to [[w:Borat|Borat]].
:'''Borat:''' And this suit is ''not'' black!
:'''Borat's Therapist:''' No, no, &quot;not&quot; has to be the end.
:'''Borat:''' OK, OK, this suit is black not.
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:'''The Nerd:''' Well, I can't beat the first level, so I'm done with this game!... Well, there ''is'' a code.
:'''Benjamin:''' I did not realize that. Russell, did you realize that?
:'''Russell Finley:''' No, I did not realize that.
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:'''The Nerd:''' And could you guess the boss in this level? Would you expect anything different than... a giant donut?
:'''Wayne:''' Aaaahahahahaha! Yeah! Hahaha!

=== [[w:Castlevania (video game)|Castlevania Part One]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': What in the unholy name of ass is this fuckness? ''[looks at the script and fuckness is displayed as an invalid word]'' Oh, wait, that's not a word? Well, it should be. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Hmm. &quot;'''Trans Fishers'''&quot;? That reminds me of [[w:Terence Fisher|Terence Fisher]], the director of many of the hammer horror films. That's a funny coincidence. Oh, wait. &quot;'''Vran Stoker'''&quot;? Like [[w:Bram Stoker|Bram Stoker]], the author of ''[[w:Dracula|Dracula]]''? Wha-- &quot;'''Christopher Bee'''&quot;? Is it a joke? I don't get it! Are they saying [[w:Christopher Lee|Christopher Lee]] is like a bee? ''[Bee with a face like Christopher Lee's comes buzzing by]'' No, they can't mean that. This is probably just a series of strangely coincidental typos. &quot;'''[[w:Béla Lugosi|Belo Lugosi]]'''&quot;? &quot;'''[[w:Boris Karloff|Boris Karloffice]]'''&quot;? They're just fuckin' around. &quot;'''[[w:Lon_Chaney, Jr.|Love Chaney Jr.]]'''&quot;? &quot;'''[[w:Max Schreck|Mix Schrecks]]'''&quot;? &quot;'''[[w:Glenn Strange|Green Stranger]]'''&quot;? Is this supposed to be funny? Like, just to take a celebrity's name and change it around? That's like if I took the name [[w:Steven Spielberg|Steven Spielberg]] and called him &quot;'''Steven Gielberg'''&quot;. Like, that's not funny, that's kindergarten level! No, kindergarten students don't find that funny! Aliens don't find that funny! Well, anyway, that's ''Castlevania'' for you. Good game, but holy fuck, is it hard. Now, as promised, we're gonna plow through the rest of 'em, all the old-school Castlevania games. The ones that I grew up w--
:''[the '''&quot;WHAT A HORRIBLE NIGHT TO HAVE A CURSE.&quot;''' box from ''Castlevania II: Simon's Quest'' appears in front of the Nerd, interrupting him. The box disappears a few seconds later, and a day-to-night transition in the style of the said game is shown. Then the &quot;Monster Dance Theme&quot; plays and the Nerd's room looks darker than before. The Nerd notices the cartridge of said game]''
:'''The Nerd''': Not that one. Next on our list, is ''Castlevania III,'' which in many ways is the true follow-up--
:''[&quot;Monster Dance Theme&quot; plays and cartridge is shown again]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''No.'' I already reviewed that game. So, anyway--
:''[&quot;Monster Dance Theme&quot; music plays and cartridge is shown again]''
:'''The Nerd''': No.
:''[&quot;Monster Dance Theme&quot; plays and cartridge is shown again]''
:'''The Nerd''': Stop.
:''[&quot;Monster Dance Theme&quot; plays and cartridge is shown again]''
:'''The Nerd''': Stop!
:''[&quot;Monster Dance Theme&quot; plays and cartridge is shown again]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[annoyed]'' '''''STOP!'''''
:''[&quot;Monster Dance Theme&quot; plays and cartridge is shown yet again, and the Nerd looks at ''Castlevania III,'' and then back at ''Castlevania II,'' and &quot;To Be Continued...&quot; appears.]''

=== [[w:CastleVania|CastleVania Part Two]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': It goes back to the basic style of the first game, but has two main innovations. The first thing, you often come to a fork in the road where you get to choose which path to take. The other thing is that you get to play as other characters, whom you meet along the way. There's Grant, who climbs on walls, Sypha, who has magic spells, and Alucard, who can turn into a bat, but you need enough hearts to do it. Alucard happens to be Dracula's son. The name Alucard's Dracula spelled backwards, and it came from the 1943 movie, ''Son of Dracula.''
:'''Dracula''': Announce Count Alucard.
:'''Harry Brewster''': D-R-A-C--
:'''Frank Stanley''': What are you mumbling about?
:'''Harry Brewster''': Nothing, nothing. Just a silly idea hit me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' If there's any game which puts you in a bad mood, it's ''CastleVania III.'' You know, like if you want a game that'll '''''piss you off,''''' putting this game in your Nintendo is like running open-armed out into a rainstorm of piss. You wanna go balls to the wall? Well, there's one way to put your balls to the wall, and that's to stick your dick into an electric outlet. You wanna play shit tennis with an orangutan while having your head up a '''''hyena's asshole?!''''' Well, good luck. Well, that finishes off the '''CastleVania''' trilogy, but there's more memories to be shared. 'Cause Dracula never dies, Halloween is goin' overtime, it's a ''CastleVania''-thon! ''[howls like a wolf]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[blooper]''
:'''James D. Rolfe''': This game is like playing shit tennis, with an orangutan, while havin' a hyena's head up your ass! ''[cracks a smile]'' Or ''your'' head up ''it's'' ass! And-- ''[breaks character and laughs]''

=== [[w:Castlevania|Castlevania Part Three]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' When the 1980s came to an end, the ''Castlevania'' trilogy was already edged into my mind as classic. It was the arcitype of both the action and horror genres and a masterpiece in side-scrolling gaming. Roughly at the turn of the decade came the 16-bit era. I had no idea that it could actually get better. In 1991, ''Castlevania'' made its transition to the new Super Nintendo. But this wasn't just ''Castlevania IV.'' Oh, no. This was '''''Super''' Castlevania IV'', and well worthy of that title. The graphics and sound just blew my fucking balls off. The haunting and chilling atmosphere of the old games was now like a walk through the park with the Care Bears. This time, I was ''really'' getting scared.

=== [[w:Castlevania|Castlevania Part Four]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' That's what you call ''Castlevania.'' Traditional side-scrolling action. Familiar, yet fresh. It takes place all over Europe rather than just strictly in Transylvania. You get a choice of two characters; John Morris and Eric Lecarde. I wonder what happened to the Belmonts? Who are these people? Well, supposedly, John Morris is the son of Quincy Morris from ''Dracula'', the Bram Stoker novel. (cut to him IRL) That just blew my mind! It's like now we're bringing the novel into it? So the whole canon of the games is now with the canon of the book, and... it's like taking two cannons and putting them together!

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:'''The Nerd:''' What are these, skeletons shooting lasers out their cocks?

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:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;ANALBAG&quot;, that's me.

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:'''The Nerd''' In ''Dawn of Sorrow,'' Dracula's castle emerges from a solar eclipse in Japan. I thought that Japan had enough trouble with Godzilla stomping around. Now they have Dracula, too?

=== [[w:Little Red Hood|Little Red Hood]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' You're familiar with the story, right? It goes somethin' like this. Once upon a time, there was a girl named Little Red Riding Hood. She liked to jump in the air and whistle out her vagina. She kicked at trees until Big Bird's ballsack would appear. What, that's not the story? Oh, well excuse me, 'cause this isn't ''Little Red Riding Hood''. This is ''Little '''RED''' Hood''.

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:'''The Nerd:''' The only thing you might be wondering now, is what on Earth does this have to do with the story of ''Little Red Riding Hood''? Well... I'll tell ya. '''''Absolutely fuckin' nothing.'''''

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:'''The Nerd:''' The music never changes. Every level is the same frothy sound of crackling ass!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' It's just, so random... Y'know, how many times have I used the word &quot;random&quot; and &quot;appear&quot;? But that's exactly what's happening. Stuff appears, or doesn't appear, or randomly does something else. I feel like a guinea pig in an experiment where they're testing the effects of negative reinforcement. Let's see what happens if we take the key away... It's 20 years late, but whoever you are, and if you wanna know what the effect is, [[Ghostbusters|I'll tell ya the effect: IT'S FUCKIN' PISSING ME OFF!]]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' But the most fucked-up level of all, is Level 8. Here, the key never appears. Just, never. It never appears. I played this stage for about an hour, before I eventually looked up an online walkthrough from someone who probably had more time to spare than me, and guess what? In this stage, the key doesn't appear, until you buy an invincibility potion and three slingshots! '''''HOW WOULD ANYBODY KNOW TO DO THAT?!''''' You go through the whole game, all of a sudden they throw you a curve ball and change the fuckin' rules!

=== [[w:Winter Games|Winter Games]] ===
:''[&quot;Dance of the Sugarplum Fairies&quot; plays in the background]''
:'''The Nerd''': It's winter. It's fucking cold. We're playing some ''Winter Games''. But anyway, let me get the greeting outta the way. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, happy... everybody! Happy holidays. And if you have a problem with &quot;Happy Holidays&quot;, then happy shut-the-fuck-up. But there ain't nothing happy about this shit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[horrible 8-bit background music]'' How do you like that music? Listen. ''[commenting on the music at the end of the Speed Skating event]'' Exquisite. ''[sarcastically]'' Isn't that the most beautiful, radiant sound that has ever been blessed upon your soul? Its exuberant tonality harmoniously blends the dying squeals of electronic goats with the melodic rapture of diarrhea bubbling from a coyote's crap-hole.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing the Figure Skating event]'' I'm not even kidding, but if I were to give out an award, a big shit-dripping trophy for the worst controls ''ever'' in a video game, I think it would go to this! I mean look at it! I've never seen anything this unresponsive! I'm hitting every button combination possible! You know, all it needs to be said about ''Winter Games'' is that you push buttons. That's all it is. How's ''Winter Games?'' You ever play ''Winter Games?'' Yeah, you push buttons. That's it. Go like this! You're playing ''Winter Games!'' ''[footage of [[The Wizard]] is shown]'' You ever watch a movie where someone's pretending to play a video game, but you tell they're just acting; they're just going like this? They're playing ''Winter Games.'' Yeah. Who programmed this thing? Maybe it was Fred Fucks.

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:'''The Nerd''': '''''THIS IS A BLIZZARD OF BALLS!!! I can't believe humanity was capable of degrading itself so low as to produce such insulting catastrophe of ass!!''''' ''[reads caution label on the back of the cartridge (said caution label is only on some unlicensed NES games)]'' &quot;Do not store in extreme temperatures. Do not immerse in water. Do not clean with benzene, thinner, alcohol, or other such solvents. Do not hit or drop cartridge. Do not attempt to disassemble.&quot; ''[proceeds to do to the cartridge each of the things the caution label advises against]'' Like that? ''[places the remains of the cartridge into the crackling fireplace, where it catches fire and starts to melt]'' '''''BURN, MOTHERFUCKER, BURRRN!!! YEAAAAH!'''''

=== [[w:Street Fighter 2010|Street Fighter 2010]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Wanna play some games? Wanna play some shitty games? ...Well hang on just a second, I gotta go get my mail. ''(The Nerd steps out of his house to find it and the rest of the scenery in the scene is swarming with graphics from ''Street Fighter 2010''.)'' What the hell is all this shit!? There's metallic sea sponges everywhere! There's titanium rocket jockstraps! Headless parrots with bottle caps! Floating eyeballs entrapped in glass lids! How is this all happening? OH, ah-of course! It's the year 2010! Holy shit! This was all foreseen in the game ''Street Fighter 2010''!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Remember how futuristic the year 2000 seemed? My whole childhood, it seemed like every movie, every video game - it was always &quot;2000&quot;. It sounded so high-tech and so far away. But now, fuck that! It's the ten-year anniversary of the year 2000. ''(referring to ''[[w:Back to the Future Part II|Back to the Future Part II]]'s'' depiction of the year 2015)'' In five years, we're gonna have flying cars and hoverboards and self-lacing shoes... It better happen. Otherwise they should have made it the year 3000. Even if they made it 2100, we'd all be dead; it wouldn't make a difference anyway! Better to be a mystery than to be wrong!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Who would've thought that Street Fighter's past lied in the future, which is now the present? Let's take a look at this. I can only imagine, we're gonna be Tiger Uppercutting through space and time, we're gonna be throwing Sonic Booms on the moon, Hadoukens up Uranus! Fuck ''[[w:Street Fighter IV|Street Fighter IV]]'', this is ''Street Fighter 2010!''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': What the hell is this poop-plastered, shit-smothered piece of fuck? And what does it have to do with ''Street Fighter''?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''(commenting on the cover illustration of ''[[w:Fighting Street|Fighting Street]]'', showing [[w:Ryu_(Street_Fighter)|Ryu]] in front of [[w:Mt. Rushmore|Mt. Rushmore]])'' To be even more elusive, they changed the fucking title to ''Fighting Street''! That doesn't make any sense! But at least you get to play as classic characters such as Ryu, [[w:George Washington|George Washington]], and [[w:Abraham Lincoln|Abe Lincoln]].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The final boss looks like a big, blistering ball sack that swallowed Grimace. His only weak spot is the face. The ideal strategy is to climb on the wall and keep shooting, but your beam doesn't reach. Not without full powerups. You can try jumping off and shooting, but that takes too long. You don't have time. When you're plowing through the stage, you gotta stop and get all the powerups. But that wastes time too! But you gotta do it! You gotta somehow make it all happen! You can't beat one boss flawlessly but then fuck up a little on the next one. You gotta: 1) Beat all the bosses without getting hurt too much, 2) Get all the power-ups, and 3) Do it fast as shit. All in one perfect run. But once you do it, man, you're on the fucking top of the world. Yeah, boom, BOOM! [Imitates explosions as he beats the game] And that, my friends, is Street Fighter 2010. That's all I have to say. So happy new year, happy new decade... am I forgetting anything? ... Yeah. Forgot my fucking mail. [He walks then the screen zooms that says &quot;THE END.&quot;]

=== [[w:Hydlide|Hydlide]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Ugh, ''Hydlide''! Just saying the name gives you a gag reflex like you're about to puke! ''HYDLIDE''! Sounds so wretched and foul!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Picking up a game like this, in itself, is like embarking on an adventure. You can stick to the familiar NES classics, or you can be a brave explorer and search the unknown. You might uncover a gem, or a turd covered in vomit. And this is a turd covered in vomit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': There's no skill involved. You'll never know whether or not you're hitting the monster or the monster's hitting you. It's just as random as rolling the dice or [[w:American Movie|playing the lottery; sometimes you win, and sometimes you lose. But I guess it's better than using drugs or alcohol because with drugs and alcohol, especially drugs, you always lose.]]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Anyway, I got the Lantern. Now I'm going back to that dark cave to figure out what the fuck was killing me...I don't see anything! So that only concludes there was nothing. That's a cheat if I ever saw one. The game kills you with NOTHING!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': That's what you get for reaching into the dark depths of the NES library. You might as well be reaching into a dog's asshole, 'cause all you're going to find is shit.

=== [[w:Ninja Gaiden (Nintendo Entertainment System)|Ninja Gaiden]] ===
:'''Ninja:''' You are as slow as sloth taking shit! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Nunchaku-fuck!

=== [[w:Swordquest|Swordquest]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(commenting on Atari's promotion of the &quot;SwordQuest&quot; series via $150,000 worth of ornately crafted and decorated fantasy items, which players back in the day could win by playing the games, finding and deciphering in-game clues, and sending them to Atari)'' Not since the medieval times have I heard of a treasure quest of this magnitude! It gets you really excited to play the games, so that's what I call a promotion: You'd be wearing your ''SwordQuest'' T-shirt, with your comic books and posters, drinking out of your gold chalice with your crown, philosopher's stone, and sword, and not to mention your ''SwordQuest'' video gaming cartridges exclusive from Atari.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(playing the &quot;Earthworld&quot; installment)'' Every time you go to the next room, it sounds like an explosion. That's what's so great about Atari: Something as simple as going through a door is an event.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Now, what can that mean? Hmm... 16-4... The comic book. ''(Picks up the book and opens up the page)'' Page 16, Panel 4. I don't see anything... What-- ''[Reveals a hidden word]'' Wow. ''(He writes down the word and continues playing and finding more clues)'' There's 10 hidden words, and they're supposed to make a sentence. But five of them are bogus. The only way to figure out which are the right words is to find a subliminal hint on the first page. The words prime and number are a different color than the rest, so this means you only use the clues that are prime numbers. Lemme tell you, in 1982, people had a lot of time on their hands and a lot of creativity to figure this out. Out of 5,000 entries, only 8 gamers got the right sentence. The winner was 20-year old Steven Bell. Good work, man!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(playing the &quot;Fireworld&quot; installment)'' What are we doing here, hitting birds with a pole? Throwing knives? Now you're actually steering the knives into a, uh, turkey club sandwich. This part, you're like a black eagle shooting bullets at snakes! All with glorious Atari sound effects.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(referring to general suspicions that the remaining three un-awarded treasures of the &quot;SwordQuest&quot; contest, including the planned grand prize, a gold-and-jewel-encrusted sword, is in possession of [[w:Jack Tramiel|Jack Tramiel]], who had bought Atari after [[w:North American video game crash of 1983|the infamous video game crash of 1983]])'' Somebody's gotta find out. The '''real''' ''SwordQuest'' is the quest for that sword and the other treasures. They belong in the hands of gamers who earn them. You know, everybody who put those games in their Ataris had a chance of winning. It was something to dream about. But that dream's been thrown about the toilet. It's 30 years later, but I say the contest must go on. Finish the last game! You can't have earth, fire, and water without air! The balance of the cosmos must be restored, the true bearer of that sword ''must'' be found! The Kingdom of Nerddom depends on it!

=== [[w:Pong|Pong Consoles]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Pong. A simple word. A simple idea. It's just Pong. It was one of the first video arcades, from 1972. A simple screen mounted inside what looked like a carved tree stump. You could call this the &quot;Wooden Age&quot; of video games, when everything was made of wood, and two people playing tennis looked like two glow sticks batting a square ball back and forth. Yeah, this is before circles were invented.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I thought it was fun. Apparently, people thought so too back then. So that's why they made a home pong console so you can play it at home, and then, there was another one... and another one... and another one! AND ANOTHER ONE! AND ANOTHER ONE! ''AND ANOTHER ONE!'' There was like nine million fucking pong consoles!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': This might be a good time to bring up that most of these old consoles have a connector that looks like [[wikipedia:RCA_connector|this]]. You have to plug them into a box, and screw the box into your TV. But I say get yourself one of these [an adapter], plug it into the coaxial unit on your TV, plug the game in, and tell that box to go fuck itself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The Sears Super Pong Telegame. Simple enough, two little knobs for controllers, works alright, basic Pong, you got four different kinds of Pong, like... what the hell is this? &quot;Reverse Pong&quot;? Okay, now what's this, &quot;Asshole Pong&quot;? That's not fair.

&lt;hr width+&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''':  Well, that's Pong for ya. All these different consoles goes to show how such a simple game could become such a hot-selling franchise. I could see people thinking 30 years ago &quot;Wow. Pong. This is where it's at! It ain't gonna get any better than this!&quot; Now what's this here, this &quot;Xbox 360?&quot; Some modern game system? I don't know, maybe it has advanced graphics? Might even be in color. Let's check it out. ''[starts playing &quot;[[w:Grand Theft Auto IV|Grand Theft Auto IV]]&quot; as a rock remix of the Angry Video Game Nerd theme plays. Cut to the Nerd with an absolutely amazed expression on his face]''

== Season Five ==

=== [[w:Action 52|Action 52]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': Are you ready for some action? Some ''Action 52?'' I suppose so, because I get requests for this game all the time. Like this one right here: ''[reading a fan email]'' &quot;''Action 52.'' Fuck this game, please do a review on it. You asshole. Thanks.&quot; Wow. I guess I gotta do it now.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Number 5, &quot;Ooze.&quot; Oh, wow, a title screen? Really? ''[starts the game, then sees several green pickle-shaped objects in the background]'' Oh my god, it's...it's... ''[the objects each turn into a Shit Pickle]''
:'''Shit Pickles''': Shitpickleshitpickleshitpickleshit...
:'''The Nerd''': Whoa! Ohh-
:'''Shit Pickles''': Pickle! Shi-i-i-i-i-
:'''The Nerd''': Narlalalala!
:'''Shit Pickles''': Shit pickle!
:'''The Nerd''': Alrighty, then. Well, this is the first game that uses the &quot;B&quot; button. For ''jumping''! Any gamer who grew up with ''Super Mario Bros.'' expects &quot;A&quot; to jump.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''(playing the 7th game, Crytical Bypass)'' &quot;Crytical Bypass&quot;. It's critical that you bypass this game!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''(playing the 20th game, Space Dreams, then learning that safety pins are the enemy)'' Oh, my, what's this gonna be? Why of course! Another space shooter! This time, you're a pacifier shooting at weird dolls, rabbits, and safety pins. ''Safety pins'' as enemies in a video game...Where'd they come up with this stuff?! ''[playing one of the game programmers]'' Gee, what kind of enemy could I have for this game? I have 32 games left I have to program, so I have to hurry up. ''[he picks up a safety pin where it lays on a table]'' Ahhh, safety pin! That'll be perfect! ''[he puts the safety pin down and types in his computer]'' Next game.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing the 22nd game, Spread Fire]'' These kind of games must have been the easiest to design. Take a black background, cover it in dots, and call it space. You know what? It's getting old.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[after playing 25 of the games]'' ...Wow. Twenty-five shitty games, and still going. This is an endurance, man. I've never played such a huge compilation of crap in my life. Was the whole idea to make ''so many shitty games'' that there'd be no more shitty games left to make!? Out of all of these, there's gotta be at least one that's...''tolerable''!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing the 29th game]'' Uh, &quot;Slashers&quot;? I thought it'd be like a horror game. Instead it's a poor man's version of ''Double Dragon''. Saying ''that'' is being extremely generous.
:'''The Nerd''': And what are these, hookers?! I guess this guy doesn't understand the concept of a hooker. You're supposed to fuck her, not fuck her up!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing the 31st game, Fuzz Power]'' Whoever came up with this is an ''asshole!'' ''[cuts to a fictionalized version of the episode that would be shown on public TV with profanity bleeped out]'' Whoever came up with this is an ''assh***!'' Ass! ''[pause]'' Hole? Assh***! ''[sarcastically]'' Television makes a lot of &quot;sense&quot;.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[after playing 35 of the 52 games]'' I've lost all hope. 52 games, they all probably suck. I can think of some pretty bad games. Like ''Little Red Hood.'' That's a ''horrible'' game. But at least it's ''one'' horrible game! Not ''52!'' You know what's more fun than ''Action 52?'' 52 Card Pickup. You know how you play that? ''[drops a deck of 52 playing cards on the floor]'' Pick up the cards!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Number 36, &quot;Storm over the Desert.&quot; Ooh, another title screen! So, you're an army tank, shooting at other army tanks... which happen to be pink. Also, there's no way to die. Anything you touch will explode. Those pink tanks are fuckin' pussies. ''[a giant [[w:Saddam Hussein|Saddam Hussein]] runs across the screen]'' What the hell?! A giant Saddam Hussein? How'd they fuck up the scale this bad? The soldiers aren't giant, so why's Saddam?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing the 48th game, Time Warp Tickers]'' You're a pair of fingers in checkerboard-land with upside-down doors. What kind of drugs were they on? Was this game even made by a human being? ''&quot;Time?&quot;''? When you kill things, it says ''&quot;Time?&quot;''? What does that mean? Time to play another fuckin' game?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[after playing 51 of the 52 games]'' '''''I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY SOLD THIS SHITFEST FOR $199!''''' That's about how much it costs for a video game ''console'', pretty much. You can take $199, stand on a bridge and just throw it all away! You'd rather do ''anything'' than spend it on a broken-down dysfunctional disaster of video game programming! With games that crash, hideous jumping control, random characters, microscopic sprites, a marathon of mediocre space shooters, dying in midair, problems with proportion, misleading titles, misleading power-ups, embarrassing weapons, seizure-inducing backgrounds, lack of enemies, games you can't win, games you can't lose, games that make no sense whatsoever, shitty graphics, shitty music, shitty menus, and a fuck-ton of other things! It should've been ''illegal'' for them to sell this rotten shitload of putrid fuck for any price! I feel humiliated to live on the same planet as someone who designed an electronic abomination of this magnitude! Couldn't they have tried making one ''good'' game, as opposed to 52 ''horrible'' games? Quality over quantity. That's our lesson here. ''[drinks Rolling Rock]'' Well, there's only one game left so it has one last chance to redeem itself. Could this all be the effort went into? Could there be a cherry on top of the shit sundae? We can only hope. ''[begins playing the 52nd game as the credits roll]''

=== [[w:Action 52|Cheetahmen]] ===

:'''AVGN''': They must have put all their focus into this one game, so this one's gotta be good...right? ''(shot of the gameplay from ''Cheetahmen''; the player sprite touches the edge of a pool of water with the top of his head, and instantly dies)'' IT SUCKS - MONKEY - BUTTS - LIKE ALL - THE FUCKIN' - REST!!! ''(drinks Rolling Rock)'' Okay. Let's go.

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:'''AVGN''': ''(playing ''Cheetahmen'' on the Action 52 cartridge, jumping over the giant [[w:Saddam Hussein|Saddam Hussein]] from Storm Over the Desert)'' Dude, think about it: A giant cheetah jumping over Saddam Hussein, whoa! I never thought I'd see that.

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:'''AVGN''': ''(discussing Cheetahmen II)'' I suppose this is the end of Action 52, but!  They made... a Cheetahmen... sequel.  Oh, yeah!  You know how with a bad game, sometimes you wonder how it even made it into stores?  Well, this is a case in which the horror was so unspeakable, the game was never released.  ''(shows stills from the ending of Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark and plays ominous music from the film)''  The cartridges were stored in a warehouse where they remained for years to come.  It was never meant to be played.  Then, in the late 90's, the cartridges were discovered, and became valuable collector's items. ''(stops playing music and showing stills)''  That's a true story.  Except that the real story was probably a little less dramatic than that.  Only 1500 of these games are known to exist and they command ''outrageous'' prices on eBay. I don't know if I should consider myself lucky or...not, but...here it is. (the Nerd reveals the game cartridge in his hand) The unholy grail of gaming. Would you believe that this game is so bad it doesn't even get its own cartridge? They recycled the same plastic casing from Action 52, and put a Cheetahmen II sticker on the back. ''(The cartridge's sticker actually reads &quot;Cheetamen&quot; instead of &quot;Cheetahmen II&quot;.)'' 

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:'''AVGN''': ''(after defeating the boss in ''Cheetahmen II'', but the game fails to start the next level)'' Well, I beat the game. At least I got as far as I can possibly go before it fucks out! Well, this is where I'd end things... ''(drinks Rolling Rock)'' ...but, there's yet another ''Cheetahmen'' game. ''(produces a copy of the Sega Genesis port of ''Action 52'')'' Yeah. ''Action 52'' on the Genesis. They just couldn't leave it alone, could they?

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:'''AVGN''': ''(talking about SKATER from the Genesis ''Action 52'')'' You're some kid on roller skates jumping fifty feet in the air, of course. And most of the obstacles are dead cats! At least, I'm pretty sure they're dead. Why else would a cat be laying in the road? Tell me. If you're programming a video game and you have a choice of all the things that could be on the road like mufflers, puddles of oil, traffic cones, hubcaps, fallen trash cans, open manholes, of all the things you can put there, why does your imagination go straight to ''dead cats!?''

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:'''AVGN''': ''(after playing ''Cheetahmen'' from the Genesis ''Action 52'')'' I don't believe it. I just can't believe it that - this is even ''less'' playable than the NES version! You think by now, they'd come back down to Earth and un-''fuck'' themselves! But you know what the really good news is? I'm done with ''Action 52''! ''(puts on a party hat and blows on a party horn while fireworks go off)''

=== Game Glitches ===

:'''AVGN''': Don't you just hate it when that happens? You'll be playin' a game, and then all of a sudden, it starts glitching up! ''(inserts Metal Gear into his Nintoaster)'' Oh, come on. Metal Gear's fuckin' up now? You blow the game, jiggle it around, use different consoles, but it still doesn't work. You know, when this happens, that means that there's something inside your game. Something that wants to reduce the graphics into a pixelated mishmash of garbage. You're dealing with...a Game Graphic Glitch Gremlin.
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' [Cackling] Good day to you, Nerd, how are you? Good day, sir! As you know, I am the Glitch Gremlin! And, I've got glitches in me britches for ya, Nerd! I've got ''(gibberish)''.
:'''AVGN''': I'm gonna lay the fuck smack on you! You think I can't still play?

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:''[ [[w:Mike Tyson|Mike Tyson]]'s portrait from ''[[w:Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!|Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!]]'' is displayed, but the entire graphical display glitches up, eliciting a shocked reaction from the Nerd]''
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' And here we have ''Punch-Out!!'' with &quot;Iron Mike&quot; Tyson. I just ironed out his face! How do you like that? We'll call him Shit-Fuck-Face Mike Tyson!
:'''AVGN''': You little fuck-nugget, get out of my game!

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:'''AVGN''': ''[After describing his victory over the boss Big Pets in [[w:Mega Man 5|Mega Man 5]] while having been hindered by a glitch]'' And ''that'' was a great moment in Nerd history.
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' That's not possible! I've never seen anything like it!
:'''AVGN''': I should get a gold medal.

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:''(The Nerd plays [[w:Rocky (2002 video game)|the 2002 ''Rocky'' game on PlayStation 2]], but the audience is severely glitching around, and the two boxers supposed to be in the ring are nowhere to be seen.)''
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' Well, you sure packed quite a crowd tonight, Nerd! You sure did, standing room only...a full house of glitches! Ding ding ding! In this corner, we have weighing in at zero pounds and zero ounces, nothing! In this corner, we've got much of the same! Nothing!
:'''AVGN''': No...
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' ''(As the in-game announcer repeats &quot;Next up is a fight...&quot;)''Do you hear that? What's that sound? Huh? Hm? Sounds of glitch. Your glitch. Enjoy it. ''(The Nerd resets his PS2, and'' ''the in-game combatants show up this time.)'' Nope. No use resetting. Not gonna do a thing.
:'''AVGN:''' Eh, fuck you. It's working now. ''(Spider Rico suddenly sinks into the floor.)'' What was ''that''!?
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' I pulled him through the floor! That's a good one! Good one, Glitch Gremlin! ''(The Nerd looks on in shock as the fighters continuously sink to the floor. The Glitch Gremlin dances.)'' Oh yeah! I'm glitching! Get down, you bad self! Get down! Get down! Get down! Wooo!
:'''AVGN''': Wow, I've ''never'' seen a game this fucked up. ''(He takes out the ''Rocky'' disc to clean it.)''
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' ''(his reflection appears in the disc)'' Not gonna work, not gonna work. What time is it? Not-gonna-work o'clock. ''(The Nerd plays the game again, but now the in-game boxers have warped facial features.)'' In this corner, we have Bug-Eyed Balboa!
:'''AVGN''': What happened to his ''mouth''!?
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' His eyes are popping out! And in that corner, we've got Spider Rico, with no jaw! ''(He sinks into the floor, again.)''
:'''AVGN''': They're like zombies! What is this, &quot;Rocky: The Undead Edition&quot;? You are really one sick fuck, you know that? I'm gonna try Clubber Lang.
:'''Glitch Gremlin:''' Oh, Clubber Lang, that could be a good one. Let's see what else I've got up my sleeves - oh, I'm not wearing any, but for my final show-stopper, FEAST YER EYES ON THIS! ''(The in-game model of Clubber Lang appears horrifically deformed and mis-assembled, heavily resembling a straight log of solid fecal matter. His left leg flashes between being visible and invisible, while his right leg does not appear at all. A baffled Nerd drops his controller while the Gremlin laughs gleefully.)''
:'''AVGN''': It's a Clubber-fuck!

=== [[w:Zelda II: The Adventure of Link|Zelda II]] ===
:'''AVGN''': ''(commenting on the odd names for enemies in the original [[w:The Legend of Zelda|''The Legend of Zelda'']])'' What do you call that? A rabbit's head? ''(buzzer sound)'' Wrong. A &quot;Pols Voice&quot;. What's that, a mummy? ''(buzzer sound)'' &quot;Gibdo&quot;. What's that, a ghost? ''(buzzer sound)'' &quot;Ghini&quot;. What's that? Well, it's kinda like...like... ''(triple-ding sound)'' What?! It's called a &quot;Like Like&quot;?! Yeah, I'm not makin' this up, this is all comin' straight from the manual. What do you call that? A snake? ''(buzzer sound)'' Wrong, it's called &quot;Rope&quot;. Yeah, really! If you can't tell the difference between a snake and a rope, you're in trouble. What's that, a bat? ''(buzzer sound)'' No, it's &quot;Keese&quot;. What do you call the keys then, &quot;Bats&quot;? What's that, a knight? ''(buzzer sound)'' A &quot;Darknut&quot;. Well then, what's that? Uh, a, uh, Geiger counselman? ''(buzzer sound)'' Oh, a &quot;Rock&quot;. What's that, a spider? ''(buzzer sound)'' A &quot;Tektite&quot;. Now what the ''fuck'' is a Tektite!? Is that even a real word? I'll look it up...yeah, it is. ''(reads off a dictionary)'' &quot;Tektite. Any of several kinds of small glassy bodies, in various forms, occurring in Australia and elsewhere, now believed to have been produced by the impact of meteorites on the earth's surface.&quot; Yeah. Or, a ''spider''. Well, fuck. Let's move onto ''Zelda II''.

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:'''AVGN''': In each town, there's a woman that restores your health. She invites Link inside, and you never see what's happening in there. Is she giving him a potion? Is she performing a magic spell? No. We all know what's ''really'' happening. Link is like, you know, getting a little of the [[w:A Clockwork Orange (film)|ol' in-out in-out]]. I mean, this isn't little boy Link anymore, he's grown up now. He learns all these special moves like the down-thrust and the up-thrust, and there, he learns the cunt-thrust. Yeah, that should be the name of a band. But really, Link deserves to get some because of all this hell he goes through. He's not gonna get any from Zelda... Well, then again, she's in a sleeping spell. What was Link doing there in the first place? Oh, no, Link's a poon hound.

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:'''AVGN''': ''(repeatedly failing to defeat the final boss, Dark Link)'' Well, it's impossible. I have better luck trying to fight my own shadow! ''(imitates trying to punch his own shadow on the wall and hurting his hand against the wall)'' You motherfucker! C'mon! God damn! ''(cuts back to the Nerd on his couch)'' You can't beat your own shadow, and that's what this game is. It's your dark alter ego that knows more about you than you know about yourself. I don't know how you could win, unless you're ''really'' hardcore. Some gamers are so hardcore with the first game, they've actually made it to Ganon ''without the sword.'' That's insane! But, people like a good challenge. You want a good challenge? Try beating ''Zelda II'' with the Power Glove, yeah. That's a laugh. In conclusion, it's still a great game. But many consider it the black sheep of the Zelda franchise. And understandably, it's very different from the first game but obviously Nintendo didn't want to just rehash the same game over again so they tried something new. Some people were confused and admittedly it had some mixed results. But it had a legacy of its own. It was the first Zelda game that had towns to visit and to have a magic meter and many games copied its style such as Battle of the Olympus and even Rambo. Bottom line, it's a good game, but a very frustrating one. I'll never beat it as long as I live. Nope. ''(turns off TV, walks away, but then runs back to the TV to turn it back on. The ending message appears on the TV saying &quot;You saved Hyrule and you are a real hero!&quot; Then, he looks at the Power Glove in shock and disbelief. Then the curtain lowers and then Zelda and Link supposedly kiss with the curtain covering it up and the words &quot;The End&quot; appear.)''

=== Back To The Future Trilogy ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' I've always wanted to go back and complete them the way I originally intended. The ''McKids'' video, for example. I felt like there should have been a dancing scene with Ronald McDonald, Grimace, and the Hamburglar. And Dracula. And Skeletor. I'd also like to go back to the original negatives, clean them up, make them look good as shit, and give them some new enhancements.
:''[in the &quot;Top Gun&quot; review, the Nerd fires a Sonic Boom at the TV, destroying it. After that, the same thing happens, but Praxis effect rings come from the explosion.]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' In the ''Friday the 13th'' video, I shot Jason Voorhees in the head.
:'''The Nerd from his ''&quot;Friday the 13th&quot;'' Review:''' You're easier to beat in real life than you are in that '''''fuckin' game, you no-good piece of--!''''' ''['''BANG!!!''' The Nerd shoots Jason in the head in the original review]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' That made me look like a cold-blooded killer. I always felt Jason should have shot first. ''[same thing, but Jason fires a laser gun at the Nerd, but he dodges and shoots Jason in the head]''
:'''The Nerd''': I'm just kidding. I have no intentions of changing my older videos like that. But with all seriousness, some of the games I've done, I could have covered them a little better.

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[replaying'' Top Gun] I'm gonna land this thing. Oh, yeah. I'm finally gonna land the plane. This time, I'm gonna land it for real. Oh, I got it. I got it. I got the speed right, but the altitude's off! ''[watches the numbers]'' Oh, I'm going too fast! ''[watches the screen]'' ''[the plane somehow flies out of the TV with the Nerd looking surprised and breaks through a window]'' Hey, if, uh...anybody sees that plane, can you let me know?

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' And what about Judge Doom? He's one of the most difficult bosses in video game history, and I barely said a damn thing about him. Anytime Doom hits you, he takes a great deal of damage, but when ''you'' hit ''him,'' it doesn't do much. With such a huge assortment of weapons, you'd think that there'd be one that inflicts more damage on him, but nope, he has no weakness. All you can do is punch, punch, punch. It may seem easier than it looks, but Doom has no clear pattern. You gotta get lucky and just get him in the right rhythm so you can keep hitting him.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' Once you knock him down, you think it's all over, but no. You gotta pick up the Dip Cannon. But before you can use it, you have to select it. Like, no shit. Why ''wouldn't'' I want it selected? The worst part is that now Judge Doom kills you with one hit. It doesn't matter how full your health is. Anyone's natural reaction is to tap the button, but that won't get you far. You have to know to ''hold down'' the button, and only ''that way'' can you beat him.
:''[Judge Doom is defeated, and the end screen with the text saying, &quot;Toontown is saved and remains in the hands of its rightful owners, the Toons. The End.&quot;]''

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' I already mentioned how the game has nothing to do with the movie. You're collecting clocks, throwing bowling balls, and dodging bees, and other bizarre things. One thing I didn't elaborate on before is how Marty has some serious problem with his legs where he can't stop walking. You'd think this is a Goddamn flying game because you can't stop. Imagine all the problems Marty must go through on a daily basis, being cursed to walk for all eternity! Imagine trying to order at a fast food restaurant, or any restaurant. Imagine going to work or trying to use a bathroom or fly on a plane. He can only stand still when he's behind a counter at a Café throwing milkshakes. Anybody who's played this Café stage knows how unforgiving it is, and I've talked about it already. ''[a Café customer stops to talk to Marty, then he throws him against the wall.]''
:'''The Nerd''': But wouldn't you like to know what the rest of the game is like? Do we ever see Doc Brown, or does the DeLorean ever make an appearance? Or any of the other things from the movie? Let's find out.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' The rest of the street stages are all the same, except they change the color. &quot;No effort. Time is money, don't design another stage. Just change the color, and kids will think it's different.&quot; Do they think we're idiots?
:'''The Nerd''': Then we come to an empty classroom where Lorraine, I guess, is shooting hearts at Marty. What, is he the teacher all of a sudden? And what's he catching hearts for? I suppose it's like in the movie where Lorraine has a crush on Marty, but that's his mom so he's trying not to let that happen. Why isn't he avoiding the hearts then? Oh, I see, I guess he's catching them in a book or something. It's the most literal interpretation of a movie. &quot;It's about time, so let's have clocks! It's about romance, let's have hearts!&quot; Was this game designed by a human being? Or did they just feed the movie into a computer to process and then shit out this nonsensical fuck-poop?
:'''The Nerd''': Once again, like the Café stage, you have to score at least 50 points. Then it's on to more walking stages, and after that, it's the Enchantment Under The Sea dance where Marty plays guitar. What do you do? You have to catch musical notes. What more did you expect? I'll tell you one thing, it's certainly no ''Guitar Hero'' or ''Rock Band.'' Why does Marty play the guitar like a stand-up bass the whole time? Why is he wearing a boiler suit? I guess the same reason he's wearing a black muscle shirt. Where's the red jacket or the suit? Couldn't they have gotten Marty to look ''anything'' like he did in the films? And what about the music? Wouldn't this have been an opportune time to hear ''Earth Angel'' or ''Johnny B. Goode?'' ''[notices music from the game]'' Okay, wait a minute. It ''is'' Johnny B. Goode on crack. ''[4 seconds later]'' If [[w:Capcom|they]] can make the ''DuckTales'' theme sound awesome in 8-bit, why not this? At least you get some different music for once.
:'''The Nerd''': Next, more walking. And finally, the DeLorean. Yes, the DeLorean makes an appearance, after all. This is supposed to be the scene where Marty is trying to get back to the future. The streets of Hill Valley are getting slammed with repeated lightning strikes! All you have to do here is dodge the lightning. That's all. Why are you dodging lightning anyway? Isn't Marty trying to get the lightning to hit the DeLorean to generate the 1.21 gigawatts and send him back to 1985? Isn't that the whole fucking idea of the movie? Anyway, that's ''Back to the Future'' NES. No special ending, nothing. ''[The music from the game continues playing]'' Fuck that music.

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:'''The Nerd''': Well, now that we've seen the whole game, we can conclude that it has... uh... ''some'' relation to the movie. But it doesn't have any of the familiar music cues. And don't tell me it was some kind of licensing issue, like they were able to license the movie, but not the music that belongs with that movie that we all recognize. No Back to the Future theme, no Power of Love, no Back in Time, no Johnny B. Goode! (SORT OF) Well, fuck this! ''[throws the game cartridge behind the futon and drinks some Rolling Rock, accompanied by Johnny B. Goode on crack]''

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' When I first reviewed this game, I was being a shithead. I never explained how it's played. And that's where things get really interesting. You're supposed to collect 30 items, and bring them all back to their rightful places and times. You find the items behind locked doors. To unlock the doors, you need to find the keys which are found by killing random enemies. But the keys don't sit still. They fly off the screen the second they appear. Usually, you're not expecting the key, so you might not catch it. Once the key's gone, it doesn't return. Not unless you exit the level and come back. Even when you get a key, most of the doors don't let you in. ''[Marty cannot unlock a door]'' I don't know the reason for this, but when you do find the right door, you'll get an item. But you don't get it right away, you have to do some sort of mini-game. They're all different, but the goal is the same: To collect all the clocks. How original.

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' Why did LJN have to make every NES movie adaptation? Couldn't they have given somebody else a try? No, they wanted to incorporate the entire spectrum of awfulness. ''[The LJN rainbow logo appears on the screen, and each color lights up as the Nerd mentions them]'' &quot;Purple for Putrid Gameplay&quot;, &quot;blue for Bad Musical Abominations&quot;, &quot;Green for Graphical Farts and Garlic&quot;, &quot;Yellow for Piss Poor Lack of Loyalty to Source Material&quot;, &quot;Orange for 'Aren't You a Fuckin' Idiot?'&quot;, and &quot;Red for High-Stress Anger-Inducing Masochism&quot;. Put that all together, you got all the colors of the Shit Rainbow. ''[sarcastically]'' Hooray, LJN.

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover, playing Back to the Future Part III on Genesis]'' Naturally, the graphics are a big step up, going over to a 16-bit console, and it represents the film far better than the Nintendo games. But there's one fatal flaw: the difficulty. You're Doc Brown on a horse trying to save Clara from going into the ravine. Unfortunately, the ground is littered with crates and other random obstacles, and the air is filled with birds, tomahawks, and all kinds of projectiles.
:'''The Nerd''': You get hit once, it knocks you off your horse, costing you precious time. If you fall only a few times, you have to start over. ''[Game Over screen with Clara falling into the ravine and her gravestone appears]'' Hazards come without any warning. The human brain cannot react as fast as this game demands! It's like a memory test; the only way to get by is to remember the whole level.
:'''The Nerd''': Uh, Jump! Uh, uh, jump again! Duck, uh... shoot, uh... what, ''[yells]'' '''''FUCK!''''' ''[Doc Brown gets knocked off horse]'' ''[exclaims]'' You fucking processing, stop being so blast!
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' It's really hard to distinguish which objects are hazards and which are just there for decoration, like this underwear. This is a perfect example of a game that starts out way too hard. It's only the first level and I can't beat it!
:'''The Nerd''': From what I understand, there's only four levels. For a Sega Genesis game, that's pathetic. I guess they were too lazy to design a longer game so they just made it more difficult so it'd take longer to beat, that's all!
:'''The Nerd''': ''[moans]'' Oh, and that fucking song, I am so sick of hearing it! Next time I hear Ghost Riders in the Sky, I'm gonna think about going 100 miles per hour on a horse jumping crates and getting shot at and shit!
:''[Doc gets knocked off horse repeatedly]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[voiceover]'' Fuck-fuck-fuck-'''''UNGH'''''-'''''UNGH'''''-fuck-fuck-ungh-UNGH-UNGH-FUCK-fuck-''ungh''-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-'''''FUCK!!! FUCK!''''' ''[gets furious, throws a pillow at the TV, takes out the game, throws it to the floor and screams.]'' Daaamn!! ''[he yells while he strangles the controller and throws the pillow to the floor.]''

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[after playing Super Back to the Future Part II on SNES]'' A '''''good''''' ''Back to the Future'' game? Somebody made a good ''Back to the Future'' game...and it was only in Japan? ''[suddenly gets angry]'' '''''WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS FUCKIN' WORLD?!''''' We get '''''THESE''''' shitty games, but not '''''THAT''''' one? Like, what the Hell? Why would you do that? It's good! I mean, it's not great, but, it's the best goddamn ''Back to the Future'' game I've ever played. It's actually a game! Why bury the gem and dig up the turd? Innocent people have suffered through these fucking fuck heaps! People developed &quot;Fuck it!&quot;-itis from this shit! People have gone on to live horrible lives, kicking babies in the balls! If you would've went back in time and said to people, &quot;Hey, hey, there's a good ''Back to the Future'' game. Put this shit down and go to Japan!&quot;, they would've looked at you like you're telling them to go...teabag a goat on the surface of Mars. ''[sarcastically]'' Well, thank you for taking a fuckin' shit on us all.

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:'''The Nerd''': Well, hope you enjoyed my Nintendo Days Re-Revisited. Oh, and guess what? Yeah, I hate sentences that begin with that: &quot;Guess what?&quot; Because you know it's never a good thing. ''[sighs]'' But the fact is... I have one more game to revisit. I don't wanna say what it is, let alone even play it, but I'm thinking about it.

=== Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde Re-Revisited ===
:''[The episode begins with a black-and-white clip; the first few seconds from the original &quot;Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde&quot; review from 2004. The Nerd's voice can be heard over this.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' In May of 2004, I gave a warning about a game called Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I made it perfectly clear: '''''DO NOT PLAY''''' this game. But, from what I understand... people have played it. They didn't listen...but, it wasn't their fault. I only showed about one minute of footage from the game, and even though I talked about it at great length, it didn't do any good. ''[The Nerd drinks some Rolling Rock.]'' I called it a piece of shit. I called it an awful pile of steaming goat shit... ''[shakes his head in disgust]'' ...but, that was honoring it. I could have said ''anything,'' it wouldn't have mattered. I could have taken a '''''fuck''''' on it. But my own '''''fuck''''' would have been offended to lay on this ''loathsome piece of '''filth.''''' Just the thought of covering this thing in doo-doo is like encasing it in gold. I curse the day I ''ever'' laid eyes on it. I curse the plastic that holds this abomination. My words are ''insufficient'' in describing the '''''total insult''''' to humanity that this '''''&quot;game&quot;''''' has provided. Everything that '''''I've''''' ever said, and anything that '''''anybody else''''' has ever said, is '''''not''''' enough. It '''''must''''' be shown. ''[He drinks more Rolling Rock]''

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:'''The Nerd:''' Here's the deal. If you die as Jekyll, you turn into Hyde. Die as Hyde, the game's over. There's two ways to die as Hyde. Number 1: The traditional way: Getting hit too many times. Number 2: Getting '''''as far''''' as Jekyll. Yeah, you know whenever lightning strikes and you drop dead in your tracks for no apparent reason? Well, ''that's'' the reason. You got too far.

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:'''The Nerd:''' Ah, these bees! Go away! ''[Jekyll's cane attack kills a bee]'' What happened? I killed a bee? ''[Jekyll's cane attack kills another bee]'' '''''I KILLED SOMETHING!''''' The only thing you can kill in the whole game, and it's a ''little, tiny, stupid, '''FUCKIN' BEE!'''''

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:'''The Nerd''': When Robert Louis Stevenson wrote his story about a doctor who makes a potion that exposes his inner evil, he didn't realize that the potion would become a reality. Not in the form of chemistry, but through a late 20th century interactive electronic apparatus. Awful music, dreadful graphics, unspeakable gameplay, deceptive enemies, unavoidable hazards, useless weaponry, all mixed together and calculated just right. That is a ''horrible'' concoction!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Cut to a graveyard, the Nerd digs up a skeleton from Robert Louis Stevenson's grave. The Nerd chokes the skeleton, but the skeleton laughs in a monstrous voice, and begins to choke the Nerd in response. Intimidated, the Nerd throws the skeleton away.]''
:'''Skeleton''': ''[gives the Nerd the middle finger]'' Fuck you.
:''[The Nerd tries to hit the skeleton with the cane, but misses, and the skeleton chortles, completely unharmed]''
:'''Skeleton''': I am the devil! ''[laughs evilly]'' Now go play some Dr. Jekyll and Mr. '''''HYDE!!!!!'''''
:'''The Nerd''': No!
:'''Skeleton''': ''[bellows]'' '''''HYDE!!!!!!'''''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[softer]'' No...!

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:'''The Nerd:''' I think I get it. Why, it's the best game ever made. It's more than a game! It exposes the dual nature of the human spirit. The only way to win the game is to be Jekyll, but you wanna be Hyde so you can shoot shit! You see, it's a constant battle between good and evil, and Jekyll must stay farther along his path than Hyde. If Hyde gains the lead, then evil will triumph over good, and that's the true conflict of the human soul.
:'''The Nerd:''' And to deny the evil completely would only force it into the subconscious mind, like a city broken into different social classes: people don't wanna step outside their own boundaries, like Jekyll wandering into the wrong section of town, he's unwelcome. Nevertheless, he must abide by his own good nature.
:'''The Nerd:''' No wonder the cane doesn't work. The game does not reward you for acting upon your malevolent intentions. It's a proposed guideline for a set of morality rules to be programmed into real life. It uses the Victorian Era as a fundamental depiction of outward respectability and inward lust, it's a metaphor for social and geographical fragmentation. It alludes the Freud theory of repression in which unacceptable desires or impulses are excluded from the conscious mind and left to operate on their own in the ''un''conscious.
:'''The Nerd:''' Or, you could just say, '''''&quot;THE GAME FUCKIN' SUCKS.&quot;'''''

=== [[w:Lester the Unlikely|Lester the Unlikely]] ===
:'''AVGN''': (sighs) What's the point? It's all gonna be dust one day. [He decides to play Lester the Unlikely] ''[[w:Lester the Unlikely|Lester the Unlikely]].'' It's unlikely that this is gonna be a good game. (Inserts the game in and turns the Super Nintendo on as Lester yells like Tarzan.) Okay, title screen. Guy swinging on a vine. Like every other jungle adventure game. Then comes the story. You're Lester, a comic book geek who wanders onto a dock, and then... (Groans) OK, I have no faith in this character already if he's gonna go to sleep on a piece of cargo that's being loaded onto a ship. He becomes an involuntary stowaway, the ship's raided by pirates, and Lester swims to a nearby tropical island. That's where the game begins.

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:'''AVGN''': Half the time Lester does things against your own will. ''[Lester automatically runs away from a crab]'' I didn't do that! The game did! Have you ever had a game character disobey? ''[Lester runs away from a large turtle on the ground]'' Go near the godfuckingdamn turtle! Why does he keep running!? What's so threatening about a fucking turtle!? ''[Lester runs away from another turtle]'' Run, Lester, run! Get away from that turtle! That turtle might charge really fucking fast!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': This is a penis-shaped piss stain on the face of gaming. I'd rather fuck the Wicked Witch of the West! I'd rather play a CD-i game! Yeah! Like ''The Flowers of Robert Mapplethorpe''. ''[plays it, but after a while of just looking at still images of flowers]'' ...No, I wouldn't.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Just let him die. Who wants to play as a weak, pathetic character like this? Wouldn't you rather be a tough guy? Isn't that the whole point of playing a game? To feel empowered? To be someone you're not? I mean, I get it - he's supposed to be a nerd. Well, this &quot;nerd&quot; makes me look like [[w:Charles Bronson|Charles Bronson]]! [[w:Steve Urkel|Steve Urkel]] could beat the fuck out of this guy! I think this whole thing was an experiment: To create the world's ''worst'' video game character.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': No wonder why he didn't get his own sequels. I can imagine what Lester the Unlikely 2 would've been like. The game would start... and you couldn't even move! All that happens, Lester pulls down his pants, sucks his thumb, and takes a fuck. The third game, you couldn't even get past the title screen. All that happens, you push Start, and Lester falls down and farts. (he shrugs) The fourth game doesn't even work at all. You just put it in your Super Nintendo... (the Nerd puts the game into the SNES, turns it on, and the game explodes)... and it explodes. (disgusted) The fifth game isn't even a game at all: it's just a bag of shit that says Lester the Unlikely 5 on it. (the Nerd holds up the &quot;Lester the Unlikely&quot; 5 bag and fuck is dripping down to the floor. The Nerd holds his nose in revolt.) And there's a new one coming up on the PS4 using the latest state-of-the-art technology (the Nerd holds up the CD) of constructing the disc out of orangutan diarrhea. It just turned out that was the only way, and it really gives Blu-Ray a run for its money.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Fuck this game. (throws down the controller) And you know what? Fuck all games. I'm gonna watch some TV. ''(He turns on the TV and tries to change channels, but the TV is all static.)'' Man. TV nowadays sucks.

=== How The Nerd Stole Christmas ===
:'''AVGN''': ''[[w:Wall Street Kid|Wall Street Kid]]'' is a game about cash and stocks. Might as well fill my Christmas socks with trash and severed cat cocks!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''[[w:Killing Time (video game)|Killing Time]]'' on [[w:3DO Interactive Multiplayer|3DO]] doesn't give you enough ammo! Your parents paying fifty bucks for a game where you shoot the fuck out of ducks really sucks! I'd rather eat deceased skunk yeast than play inferior arcade ports like ''[[w:Altered Beast|Altered Beast]]''. Altered Beast is a nut-kicking feast I can't stand in the least!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''[[w:S.C.A.T.: Special Cybernetic Attack Team|S.C.A.T.]]'' stands for Special Cybernetic Attack Team, but &quot;the droppings of carnivorous mammals&quot; is what the word &quot;scat&quot; really means. It's as close as you can get to a Nintendo game called &quot;Shit&quot;.

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:'''AVGN''': We'll see how they like ''[[w:Circus Caper|Circus Caper]]'', it's as fun as inhaling Chewbacca's anal vapor!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
: '''AVGN''': ''[Playing [[w:Fist of the North Star (Nintendo Entertainment System)|''Fist of the North Star'']] on NES]'' Finding the right door is such a chore. C'mon, where do I go!? What a bore! Finally, when you do find the right door, how you go in? Wanna know the way? Not up, not down: By pressing Right, B, and A!!! How much were they drinking!? Why is it so stinking!? I'm staring unblinking, &quot;What were they thinking!?&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bear McCreary''': ''[singing to the tune of ''You're A Mean One, Mr. Grinch''].''
:''You're a mean one, Mr. Nerd.''
:''You really are a jerk!''
:''You're shameless as a shitmop,''
:''You got mischief in your smirk, Mr. Nerd.''
:''I wouldn't blame you when you're playing Atari Berzerk!''
:''You're a vile one, Mr. Nerd.''
:''You've got demons in your soul!''
:''You're wacky and you're wicked,''
:''Your crap is full of coal, Mr. Nerd.''

=== [[w:Day Dreamin' Davey|Day Dreamin' Davey]] ===
:'''AVGN''': Oh, no. Time to play a fucky game for the 98th fucking time. Day Dreamin' Davey. Should I even care who the hell Davey is? Oh no, it's HAL. Don't trust anything called HAL. Actually, the same company created Kirby, and developed Super Smash Bros. Maybe this won't be so bad then.
:'''Davey''': Awesome!
:'''AVGN''':  Oh, no. I just jinxed the whole thing. Well, as you probably guessed from the title, this is all about a kid who daydreams. Starts out, Davey's in school, and a bully steals his pencil. ...So he's gotta get the pencil back? Man, that's some epic storyline right there. So, Davey falls asleep in class and dreams he's in the Middle Ages. It's like your typical Zelda-esque adventure, but instead of trying to save a princess and save the lives of everyone in the land from evil forces, it's all about getting... a pencil.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Why does he care so much about a fucking pencil? Was he planning to take it home after school and shove it up his fuck or something?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Then you get a sword, but it's a dream, so when he wakes up it's a ruler he's holding. Why is he so excited about a ruler? Does he wanna measure his turds? Then the teacher says, &quot;What are you doing? You are going to see the principal for this.&quot; Um, for what? For measuring his turds in class?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': What's this? A hooker? She asks if I need some &quot;help&quot;? Really! There's a Nintendo game where a ''hooker'' tries to sell herself to a kid. ''Now'' this whole thing is worth it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''[after defeating the Medusa]'' Finally when you kill her, you grab her head off the ground. You know what would be really awesome? If Davey woke up here, and had the teacher's decapitated head in his hands. ''[appears an image of Davey happily holding the teacher's blood dripping head]'' Yeah.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''[after Davey got a trophy in his dream, and he wakes up in front of the principal with the trophy actually in his possession]'' So Davey wakes up and the Principal's like, &quot;Where'd you get that trophy?&quot; So, now Davey's actually bringing back objects from his dreams? Does this make any sense? You know what would be cool? If Freddy Krueger came out and clawed his fucking face off!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Well, that's it! Basically, that's Day Dreamin' Davey. That's the whole game. Mediocre... That's what it is. So, until next time... Gotta dream... something... better...

=== [[w:Star Wars computer and video games|Star Wars]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': I have a bad feeling about this. We're gonna play a bunch of ''[[w:Star Wars computer and video games|Star Wars games]].''The movies were a prime target for video game adaptations. They were full of all kinds of action setpieces with battles taking place in space and on land, lightsaber duels, speederbike chases. They had lovable characters, great storylines, and a classic mythology that was bright for expanding upon in the world of gaming. So, how could they fuck that up? Let's find out. Our journey begins, innocently enough, with the Atari 2600. ''[plays Star Wars for the Atari 2600]'' This is the first Star Wars game, or at least the first Atari version based on the first movie. It follows the same format as the arcade version which came out before. It focuses on only one scene from the movie: the climactic rebel attack on the Death Star. It's unimpressive to say the least, but for the time, it was ambitious to try and create a 3D perspective. And besides, the Atari 2600 is well known for not being able to live up to the arcade standards of quality.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[Playing the Japanese Famicom ''Star Wars'', the Nerd fights [[w:Darth Vader|Darth Vader]] inside the sandcrawler level, and is shocked when Vader transforms into a scorpion.]'' Did that happen in the movie? Did that happen in... any of the movies?! Did Darth Vader say to [[w:Luke Skywalker|Luke]], &quot;I am your father, and I am also, a ''fucking'' scorpion!&quot; No! It's not true! '''''THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!! WHY DOES DARTH VADER TURN INTO A FUCKING SCORPION?!''''' That doesn't even happen in the Special Editions! There is ''no'' version of ''Star Wars,'' in this universe or timeline, or any other (I'm...sure of it.) where Darth Vader turns into...''[Takes his glasses off, cleans them, rubs his eyes, and puts them back on]''...a ''fucking'' scorpion.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': It also happens to be one of those &quot;Where the fuck do I go?&quot; kind of games. If you haven't played the game before, you can spend hours searching for the right place. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': OK, so I guess he's going into the Mos Eisley bar. That's the famous scene in the movie where Luke meets [[w:Han Solo|Han Solo]]. But one thing I didn't know was that they allow Landspeeders in the bar. What, does Luke just crash his way in? ''[a car-crashing sound effect and a Chewbacca roar are imposed on Luke riding the landspeeder straight into the bar]'' It's quite interesting, actually. In this version, Luke gets to the bar so fast, I bet Han and Greedo were still talking at, at the table, and you know, who shot first, Han or Greedo, whatever. But actually, neither one of them did! Luke kills Greedo with his Landspeeder. Right after Han says &quot;Over my dead body.&quot;, '''''BOOM!''''' All of a sudden, Luke comes through, crashing with the fucking Landspeeder!!! I wanna see ''that'' in the next Special Edition.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': The NES got [[w:Star Wars (1991 video game)|a different Star Wars game.]] ''[sees JVC logo]'' Hold on. No LJN? It's a movie based game, it's on Nintendo, and it wasn't made by LJN? Then it might have a chance.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Man, the only way to beat an outrageously difficult game like this is to cheat! Like, I hear a lot of people use emulators or save-states. You know, that would be pretty handy, I guess, but you know what'd be better? How about just a button you press that makes the game beat? And that's why I invented the Beat-A-Game Button! Yeah! All you do, if you're playing a really hard game, you just push the button, and the game's beat! Let's try it out. ''[[w:Ninja Gaiden II: The Dark Sword of Chaos|Ninja Gaiden II]].'' Ooh, that's a hard game. Oh, man. Oh, shit. I'm getting my fuck kicked. ''[he gets an idea as he presses the Beat-A-Game Button then beats Ninja Gaiden II]'' ''[[w:The Legend of Zelda (video game)|Legend of Zelda]]!'' ''[presses the button and he beats said game]'' Beat it. ''[[w:Mega Man (video game)|Mega Man]]!'' ''[presses the button and he beats said game]'' Beat it. You'd never thought you could beat the game. Not without the Beat-A-Game Button! ''[stands up and walks to his NES library]'' All right, all you games. Consider your ass beat! ''[he holds the button in triumph while an 8-bit version of [[w:Music of Star Wars|The Imperial March]] plays as he wouldn't use the button to beat every single game]'' All right, back to ''Star Wars.''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Of course we had to stop somewhere because there's a whole galaxy of ''Star Wars''-related games so this could've gone on and on. With ''Star Wars Rebel Assault, Dark Forces, Jedi Academy, Rogue Squadron, Battlefront, Star Wars Chess, Lego Star Wars, Star Wars Puzzle Blaster, Star Wars Pod Racer, [he then starts making them up as he goes along] Jar Jar Binks Bingo, Death Star Builder 3.0, Chewie Wookie Cookie Cooking, Stormtrooper Tennis, Jabba's Farts Unleashed,'' (That was a good one.) ''Wedge's Wedgie Attack, Fishing For Ackbars, Super Sith Shit-Toss Tournament Edition, Boba Fett's Name Game,'' (Find his name in the fuckin' movies.) ''Govenor Tarkin vs. Count Dookie--'' ''[a cutout buffalo walks past and defecates through the Nerd's window, breaking it and startling the Nerd.]'' '''''OH, MY GOD!!! OH, MY GOD! WHAT THE--?! THAT FUCKING BUFFALO JUST TOOK A FUCKING FUCK THROUGH MY FUCKING WINDOW!!! OH, MY FUCKING GOD, THERE'S FUCK AND FUCKING GLASS ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE! WHERE IN THE FUCK DID THAT FUCKING COME FROM?! OH, MY GOD!! NOW I GOTTA FUCKING CLEAN ALL THIS FUCK UP! WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?!'''''

=== [[w:R.O.B.|R.O.B. The Robot]] ===
:'''R.O.B.''': ''[robotic voice]'' I will play, I am R.O.B., Robotic Operating Buddy.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[intrigued]'' Okay, cool, a robot. Here ya go. ''[hands R.O.B. the controller]''
:'''R.O.B.''': ''[robotic voice]'' Error, does not compute, requires adaptive device.
:'''The Nerd''': It's a controller. You play it.
:'''R.O.B.''': ''[robotic voice]'' I do not have thumbs, you moron. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''R.O.B.''': ''[robotic voice]'' Must have gyros.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[annoyed]'' You want a fucking gyro now? ''[He goes into the kitchen, makes a gyro sandwich, and returns to R.O.B.]'' All right, here's your damn gyro.
:'''R.O.B.''': ''[robotic voice]'' You idiot. That is not a gyro.
:'''The Nerd''': I know, I tried - what, do you want me to go to fuckin' Greece?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' ''[angrily]'' You ready now, R.O.B.? You happy? You got enough ''shit'' to work with?!
:'''R.O.B''': ''[robotic voice]'' Affirmative.
:'''The Nerd''': &quot;Affirmative,&quot; your ''ass!'' Let's play. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, no, no, no, no-- ''[Professor Hector dies]'' ''[growling]'' Fuck! Oh, here comes a Smick! ''[Professor Hector dies again]'' ''[exclaims]'' Fucking Smick's a dick!

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:'''The Nerd''': You're doing this, you cybernetic shit-sucker!

== Season Six ==

=== [[w:Steven Spielberg|Spielberg Games]] ===

:'''AVGN''': You wanna know a recipe for shit? Take a movie, put it on NES, n' you got yourself some shit. But let's go even more extreme. Let's take one of the best movies ever made, ''[[w:Jaws (film)|Jaws]]'', by one of the best directors, Steven Spielberg! And then, let's give it to ''the'' game company that has made more fucking shitty games than anybody else! You see that little rainbow, right there? LJN. ...Now we're talking shit. Ahh, LJN. What we're dealing with here is a shitty-game-making-machine. It's really a miracle of electronic evolution. All this machine does is joke, and cheat, and make shitty games, and that's all.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Jaws’ Power Meter goes down slower than the hairs grow on a moose’s scrotum.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': We're gonna need a bigger ass... to shit out this fucking turd! ''[Removes the game from the Nintoaster]'' Never playing this game again. I would just throw it into the sea, but I hear that in 2015, there's an antique store opening up, in Hill Valley. They might take it. ''(Picks up a box)'' Well, right here, I got a box of games, based on movies by Steven Spielberg. Let's see what we got. ''(he pulls out E.T. the Extra Terrestrial for the Atari 2600. The Nerd gasps in horror, throws the box away, and the camera zooms in on the E.T. game)'' Ugh!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Super ''[[w:Schindler's List|Schindler's List]]'' 3D!? Nah, I'm just kiddin'. It's ''[[w:Jurassic Park (film)|Jurassic Park]]''.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': It's one of those &quot;Where the fuck do I go?&quot; kind of games. You run around like an idiot collecting eggs. So, yes, it's like a big Easter egg hunt with Smokey Bear and dinosaurs. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Looky looky, I got [[w:Hook|Hooky]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': It's amazing how many games in the NES library tried to be side-scrollers and failed. The weapon is puny, the controls suck, and it's nothing like the movie. It's a miserable experience that assaults your eyes and ears with ''horrible'' graphics and music. What about your nose? If it was possible, I'm sure the game cartridge would come with an air duct that pervades the room with the rancid odor of a skunk that's died up a horse's ass! Ugh! You know what kind of games I like? Good ones?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''[Playing ''Jurassic Park: Interactive'' on the 3DO]'' Oh, look at this! You're a tiny microscopic speck flying around in circuit-chip land shooting three-and-a-half-inch floppy disks. What does this have to do with ''Jurassic Park''!? WHAT WERE THEY THINKING!? Wait a minute. What does it say on the floppy disks? &quot;'''Dump'''&quot;? It says &quot;Dump&quot;? How appropriate. This game is a bunch of anal dump.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''Jurassic Park'' on 3DO is a complete mockery, man. Does it suck? You bet &quot;JUR ASS IC&quot; sucks! In the words of Ian Malcom, &quot;That is one big pile of shit.&quot; The problem with all these games is that the power to make them doesn't require any discipline. They took the movie, without any responsibility, they stood on the shoulders of Steven Spielberg and Michael Crichton to accomplish something as fast as they could, and before they even knew what they had, they patented it, they packaged it, they slapped it on a plastic game cartridge or CD, and (slaps) they sold it.

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:'''AVGN''': Now even though this says E.T. Go Come on the cover it is not the E.T. game. Oh no. Now I gotta make something perfectly clear. I play shitty games so that innocent gamers don't have to. But there's ''one'' game I ''never'' play. ''[picks up [[w:E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (video game)|E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial]] for the Atari, opens the box, shows a cartridge then throws it in disgust while the choir sings in background]'' Ugh! ''[looks away, then looks back just as the camera slowly zooms in on the game with texts appear saying &quot;To Be Continued in [[w:Angry Video Game Nerd: The Movie|Angry Video Game Nerd: The Movie]]&quot;]''

=== The Making of an Angry Video Game Nerd episode/[[w:Barbie (video game)|Barbie]] ===
:'''AVGN''': No degeneracy is low enough to satisfy the shit-seeking gamer who decides to play ''Barbie'' on NES. Whoo. We know that most games on NES are targeted towards young boys. So, here's one for the girls. As an adult male, why would I ''ever'' want to play this? Because I'm pathetic, and I'm asking for fuck!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': So the game is actually her dream, in case you ever wanted to know what Barbie dreams about. She dreams about a nursery that's been overtaken by a poltergeist! Tennis rackets are hitting balls all over the place, there's clothing flying around, she has to fight the invisible woman, there's a puppy dog that's helping her attack evil stockings or something, Toucan Sam gives her a lift... I wonder if there's any psychological meaning behind these dreams. Barbie's really fucked up in the head. Even the craziest psychopaths on Earth don't dream this fuck!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The wallpaper's covered in roses, teddy bears, and baseballs. I guess you can say this game is balls to the wall. I can't help but notice how many balls are in the game. They're everywhere! Perhaps the meaning behind this is because she's obsessed with Ken's balls.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I just got my ass handed to me by a ''Barbie'' game. This game was made for little girls and I can't even get past the first few stages. Fuck this game! Fucking Barbie! Plastic pink mall-shopping, bimbo, ball-craving, bird-riding, ghost-fighting, fish-flopping, psycho-dreaming, HAIR BRAIN PIECE OF FUCK! Go to fuck!

=== [[w:Kid Kool|Kid Kool]] ===
:'''AVGN''': ''Kid Kool'' is a game that's so bad, you wouldn't want to go wipe your ass on it. Your worst fucking enemies don't deserve to play this accursed, foul piece of garbage! Satan doesn't even have any games in Fuck that are as wretched as this putrid shitload of fuck!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': There's parts where you have to get over water and the only way to do this is to master the fragile art of skipping across on your butt. Think it looks easy? It's not.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''What'' is the deal with this? Did the programmers have any clue how to make a video game? You're not supposed to have the game stop in mid-jump to reorient the screen! That is so irritating! How are you supposed to make a jump when the screen keeps jolting up and down!? How are you supposed to stomp on enemies!? Look at this! ''Look at this!'' We'll call it &quot;air suspension fuck-lift&quot;.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''':  So that's ''Kid Kool'' for you. It seems to deliberately follow the guidelines for making an unholy disaster of a game. It has one-way bullshit, two-gear diarrhea, it's heavy on the jump-fuckness, with loads of topside aquatic ass, it has frequent air suspension shit-lifts, a ton of inviso-bitches, and some free-falling fuckballs for good measure. How did they make the game this bad!? It's clearly untested and rushed beyond belief. There couldn't have been that big a demand for ''Kid Kool''. What was the hurry? In order to do something good, it takes time.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I went through all that torture just to be given the middle-finger salute!? This is a perfect example of a game that's been ruined by control. Control! And that's the hardest part to explain because unless you've played the game, you don't really understand. I mean, maybe you've played other games with horrible control like ''Karate Champ'', or ''Dr. Claw's Dump n' Pump'', but those don't compare. Playing this is like trying to thread a needle while it's spinning on a record player. It's like trying to drive a car blindfolded. You would NOT want to try that, nor would you want to try this game! ''Kid Kool'' is not cool! ''[the Nerd blindly throws the game over his shoulder, and by chance it lands into a garbage bin, to his astonishment.]''

=== [[w:Nintendo World Championships|Nintendo World Championships]] ===
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[he excitedly holds the box of NES games]'' If this box contains what I think it does, then this will be the greatest moment in my career as a game collector. I bought this from an eBay auction. The seller gave a list of games included; mostly NES games that I own already. But there's one that caught my attention: ''[[w:Nintendo World Championships|Nintendo World Championships]]''. Under normal circumstances, this particular game would cost a fortune. The seller probably had no idea what they had, and that happens sometimes. They're trying to get rid of some old games at a flea market or a yard sale or something, and they don't realize that what they're selling happens to be one of the most rare NES games in existence. Nintendo World Championships was never sold in stores. It was a specially-made game cartridge used as part of a gaming competition. Remember the 1989 movie, The Wizard with the big game tournament? Well, this was a real-life version inspired by the movie. The competition was part of a big festival called Powerfest in 1990. It was divided into age groups. Each winner got a cash prize of $10,000, and took home other goodies. The finalists each got to keep their own copy of the game. But there was another version made in gold. The gold cartridges are even more rare. Only 26 were made, and given out as part of a random prize giveaway in Nintendo Power magazine. Also, the red label only existed in the promo pics. The actual games were all gold with a cheap logo glued on that's been cut out with scissors. The whereabouts of these games remain largely unknown. But, in recent years, many of them have show up in auctions, commanding huge prices. But there's still more out there. Um, there were other Nintendo contests like Campus Challenge, two of them, and the Super Nintendo Powerfest '94 competition. But Nintendo World Championships seems to be the most famous, and is considered the Holy Grail among NES collectors. Could I have one of these in my possession right now? Let's find out! ''[starts opening up box with excitedly]'' Oh, boy, I can't wait! It's, I wonder, it's probably the grey one. But who knows? It might even be the gold one! ''[anxiously opens box and digs through cartridges, and unveils game labeled &quot;NWC1990&quot;; Nerd is excited until the camera zooms in on the game's text &quot;Reproduction Cartridge&quot;, and the Nerd's joy slowly fades]'' This is a reproduction cart. Anybody can get these. Worth about $50. ''[he sighs, stands up, and walks to game shelves]'' Well, at least I can still say, &quot;I own Nintendo World Championships&quot;. ''[he places the reproduction cartridge into his game shelf]'' It's not the real thing. I'll never own a complete NES collection. Wait a minute. I know somebody who might own a real NWC. Yeah, somebody who's as obsessed with game collecting as I am, and when it comes to NES, he's even more crazy.

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[on the phone with Pat the NES Punk, discussing the authentic copy of the game in Pat's possession]'' Tell you what, uh, if you come on over? I'll help, um, authenticate it for you. I'll give it the Nerd seal of approval.
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': The &quot;Nerd seal of approval&quot;? What is that? Like, you'll take a dump on it?
:'''The Nerd''': No, that would be the Nerd seal of disapproval. Come over, I'll take a look at it.

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[trying to convince Pat to give him the rarer gold NWC cart]'' The gold one's a piece of crap! I mean, you don't want that. I mean, you know how they made those! They just cut out the logo with cheap paper, and they glued it on! With glue!
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': Yeah! Elmer's glue!
:'''The Nerd''': Yeah-yeah, I bet Mr. Elmer himself glued it on from his own goat. ''[imitates goat bleating]''

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:'''Pat the NES Punk''': ''[while getting ready to play NWC]'' Where's your Nintendo?
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, the Nintendo? Right there, the Nintoaster.
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': The what? Are you playing video games or making breakfast? I'm not turning these expensive games into a goddamn English muffin!

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[while playing the ''Rad Racer'' portion of NWC]'' Just think, the NWC cartridges are so expensive, you could actually use that money and buy a real car!
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': Sure, you can buy a car, but it wouldn't be a racer as rad as this.
:'''The Nerd''': Alright, So I finished ''Rad Racer.'' Now I'm up to ''Tetris?''
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': Final game, Nerd. All right, you're on a time limit, and to maximize your score, you gotta get the four-line Tetrises. W-Wait. Why am I helping you? You think you deserve these games? You changed your name from the Angry ''Nintendo'' Nerd to the ''Video Game'' Nerd! I'm the NES Punk, I deserve these games!
:'''The Nerd''': I know a lot of people who own ''Tetris.'' And they actually have the whole game!
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': That's it, that's your score. I'm going to annihilate it. ''[takes the NES controller from The Nerd]'' Thank you very much. ''[gets 50 coins on [[w:Super Mario Bros.|Super Mario Bros.]]]'' Okay, I just beat you on ''Super Mario Bros.'' Now, it's ''Rad Racer'' time.
:'''The Nerd''': Look at that. Well, you got two more games!
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': Yeah, I know I do. I can count!
:'''The Nerd''': Well, just think. We're playing on a reproduction cart, but if we were playing one of those other ones, it would be the same thing. So, what's the point? Just to play on an overly priced game cartridge?
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': What's the point? The point is, those games are part of Nintendo and video game history! There are part of our culture! Those games represent the point where Nintendo dominated our, our society! ''[car in &quot;Rad Racer&quot; crashes]'' Oh-- ah! ''[[w:Tetris|Tetris]]'' is next. I'm not gonna let you taunt me outta this one, I'm gonna win!
:'''The Nerd''': No, I'm serious. This game is a piece of shit.
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': Come on, Pat. Come on. Yeah! Triple-Line score! ''[pants]'' Double-Line score! I'm gonna win. ''[The Nerd gets the hammer from the drawer]'' The games are mine!
:'''The Nerd''': ''Nintendo World Championships'' is poop on a pedestal. It's an over-glorified holy shit-grail! Fuck it to hell, fuck it to high heaven, purgatory, and all existence!
:'''Pat the NES Punk''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yes! Yes! I won! I won! ''[The Nerd whacks the two cartridges as he grunts angrily and smashes them into pieces as Pat looks at the broken pieces of NWC cartridges then The Nerd removes the reproduction cartridge.]''
:'''The Nerd''': Here you go. You can have this one. ''[Pat the NES Punk takes it for a moment, and then it slips out of his hands in his own disbelief. Pat the NES Punk then starts laughing, and The Nerd starts laughing as well.]'' Oh, man. ''[laughs then gets attacked by Pat the NES Punk]''

=== [[w:Dark Castle|Dark Castle]] ===

:'''AVGN:''' This is gonna get scary. Okay, I play a lot of 8-bit shit; you know, NES. Why is there so many crappy games on NES? I mean - you know, they have lots of great, classic games as well. But its precious library was being used by all these half-ass game companies as a dumping ground for all their foul shit.

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:'''AVGN:''' ''[Talking about the title screen in the Genesis version of Dark Castle]'' What the hell is this? A ghost giving a castle a blow job?

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:'''AVGN:''' ''[Upon starting the game and noticing the first room]'' This one says &quot;BK&quot;. What the hell does BK stand for? Burger King? I hope! If I go in there and I get served hamburgers, that would be the tits!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN:''' ''[In the game's dungeon]'' Oh, that's neat. Graffiti on the walls. &quot;Gamers rule&quot; and *what?* &quot;Saddam was here&quot;? As in Saddam Hussein? What was he doin' goin' around writing on castle walls? And &quot;Gamers rule&quot;? That's the same handwriting. Hmm, so Saddam was a really hardcore gamer? Wow.

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:'''AVGN:''' ''[Talking about the music]'' After you listen to the music for a half hour, you get tired of it. Fortunately, you have the option to turn the music off, but you have to do it at the right time, or else, it sustains it. ''[The nerd turns off the music at the wrong time and a loud genesis sound is played]'' '''Isn't that the fuckest thing you've ever heard?!! Didn't anybody test this shit out?!!'''

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:'''AVGN:''' ''[on the game's attacking controls]'' Why couldn’t this just operate like any normal game? Whoever came up with this idea is nuttier than squirrel poop.

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:'''AVGN:''' As you notice, you can duck, it's done by pressing Down and B. But it only ducks for like a second. To stay ducking, you have to press ''up'' and B. Yup, pressing Up to duck is ''pretty fucked up''!

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:'''AVGN:''' On top of everything, it’s one of those maze-like, mindfuck games, where you never know where to go. Can I go here? Nope. Can I go there? Nope. What about here? Nope. Three spots on the same screen, all dead ends. Well, if it’s a dead end, WHY CAN'T THEY MAKE IT LOOK LIKE A DEAD END?! PUT A WALL THERE OR SOMETHING! WHY DOES IT HAVE TO LOOK LIKE A WIDE OPEN PASSAGEWAY?!

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:'''AVGN:''' I happen to find a key, but I can’t figure out what it does. I tried every spot I can think of, but this key is as useless as boobs on a bull. Anything you do, you're fucked! Try this, you're fucked. Try that, you're fucked. You're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN:''' ''This'' is beyond any doubt, the ''worst'' Sega Genesis game I have ''ever'' played. There’s gotta be something I’m doing wrong. Let me see; maybe it’s on a really high difficulty setting - yeah, let me see what I can do here. Umm… EASY!? It was on easy!? That’s their idea of fucking easy!? Are they out of their minds!? Alright, let’s flick that shit-switch and crank up that diarrhea-dial; I got Dark Castle on C! D! '''''IIIIIIIIIII!!!''''' ''[roaring while flames engulf the room]''

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:'''AVGN:''' I can barely even fucking move! The control is ''impossible''! You ''can’t'' control it. You have more control over the weather than you do in the character in this game!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN:''' The Genesis version was bad, but this one fucks you harder than life itself! It’s like mixing shit with turds! It’s the most heinously anus thing ever conceived by humankind! It’s a curse to the soul, and it must suffer the tortures of the damned!

=== Bible Games III ===

:'''AVGN:''' In the beginning, the game company called Wisdom Tree began producing unlicensed games for the NES. Wisdom Tree said, &quot;Let there be shit.&quot; And there was shit. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about: Bible games, like Bible Buffet, where you're blowing off a snowman's head (which has nothing to do with the Bible), Super Noah's Ark 3D, where you're slingshottin' pissed off animals, Sunday Funday, where you're killing random people on your way to church, and all those ridiculous CD-i games.
:'''Child's voice:''' Yippie! Yippie! Whoops! Yippie!
:'''AVGN:''' I've already talked about these games in my previous Bible Games episodes. So what's the point of going on? Because Part 3 is never as good. But, you know, there's a few more bible games left, so I might as well finish what I started.

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:'''AVGN:''' ''[playing a Hangman-style game in ''King James Bible'' on Game Boy]'' Alright, what's the word? &quot;'''Goodliest'''&quot;? Who the fuck uses a word like that? &quot;'''Blessedness'''&quot;? Of course. They're all ancient words that nobody says anymore in common speech. Well, that's all there is to that. I marvel at this game's shitliness.

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:'''AVGN:''' The other thing you can do is search for words in the Bible. For example, we can search, I dunno, how about the word &quot;Ass&quot;? [many results appear] Okay, I had no idea there'd be this many results. &quot;'''Then they rent their clothes and laded every man his ass'''&quot;, &quot;'''loose his ox or his ass'''&quot;, &quot;'''whose ass have I taken?'''&quot;, &quot;'''deliver unto his neighbour an ass'''&quot;, &quot;'''Which of you shall have an ass'''&quot;, &quot;'''he had found a young ass'''&quot;, &quot;'''the dumb ass'''&quot; - [laughs] it says &quot;dumb ass&quot; in the Bible - &quot;'''saddled his ass'''&quot;, &quot;'''opened his sack to give his ass'''&quot;, &quot;'''the lion had not eaten the carcase, nor torn the ass'''&quot;, &quot;'''riding upon his ass'''&quot;? ''[chuckles]'' Oh, I'm going to Hell.

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:'''AVGN:''' ''[playing the Genesis version of ''Bible Adventures'']'' Man, Noah has some balls to be rescuing snakes. Indiana Jones wouldn't do that. No, he thinks Noah is a snake-saving shit-sucker. Pee-wee Herman once saved snakes, but he fainted. That's right, in order of manliness, Indiana Jones, then Pee-wee, and then fucking Noah.

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:'''AVGN:''' The monkeys, I hate them. They're so fucking hard to catch! I'm gonna get ya, you stupid monkey. Yeah! Whatever it takes fuckface. You're slime... you're filth... I'm gonna rip you apart.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN:''' The graphics are dull. There's so much brown. The Ark is brown, the trees are brown. Why's everything gotta be the color of shit? It might as well be shit. Yeah! Those trees in the background are like logs of shit coming out of God's ass. It's HOLY shit.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Well, that's Bible Adventures, that takes care of all the Bible games on Genesis. I could end things now, but I really don't want there to ever be a Bible Games 4, so there's one little bit of unfinished business: an NES game called King of Kings. I already reviewed this as part of my first Bible Games episode. It has 3 games in it. Jesus and the Temple, which is that Mario 2 (Super Mario Bros. 2) ripoff where you're hopping across logs. Then there's The Wise Men, where you're travelling to Baby Jesus. That means it's the only Christmas game. Isn't that the whole reason I did this in December? Why did I do all these other Bible games? I guess when it comes to bad games, I go above and beyond.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN:''' ''[replaying ''Flight To Egypt'']'' Every pixel in this game is a sin. First of all, I don't get the title. &quot;''Flight to Egypt''&quot;? You're not flying, you're riding on a donkey, or an ass, if you prefer. What airline is this? &quot;Ass Express&quot;? ...And yes, I know the word &quot;Flight&quot; doesn't necessarily mean aviation, but, hey, it's a fucking joke. Your only attack is this embarrassing, dinky little kick which can't harm anything, unless it's right up in your ass. Or I should say, your ass's ass, not your ass that's sitting upon the ass.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN:''' And... that's it? Did anything else happen? Did the angel say anything? Did the sight of the angel make Joseph sick in his stomach? Did the donkey stalk them in their sleep? What happened? I assumed that I pressed the button by mistake and actually cancelled out the rest of the ending, but no, I've actually beaten the game multiple times just to try and solve this mystery and the same thing happens! It just stays on this screen until you press something, and then it returns you to the main menu. But I'm aware that the last screen is supposed to be playing text that says &quot;Give your heart to Jesus,&quot; but I'm not seeing it so I'm assuming that I'm supposed to beat all 3 games to see the true ending, and I'm not going through all that trouble, although I will give my heart to Jesus. (The Nerd physically rips out his heart and holds it out.) OH JESUS!

== Season Seven ==

=== [[w:Arnold Schwarzenegger|Schwarzenegger Games]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' I'm back. And so is [[w:Arnold Schwarzenegger|Arnold Schwarzenegger]] in [[w:The Expendables 2|The Expendables 2]] I can't wait to see that! In the 80's and 90's, nobody kicked as much ass and coined as many catchphrases as he did. And now that he's comin' back to do a little more acting, I think it's an appropriate time... to look at some NES games based on his movies. NES, a console so influential in the side-scrolling action genre. Now pair that with one of the biggest action movie stars, and... you have a match made in heaven. How could you go wrong? (nervously gives a dorky smile) Uh, I don't know. (Chuckles) Uh, Take this game for example: ''[[w:Total Recall|Total Recall]]''. I remember my first time playing it as a kid. It was a Friday night, my homework was all done, my mom took me to the video store, I rented this game, I took it home, man, I played it, and it just '''FUCKIN' ''PISSED ME OFF,''''' ''[gritted teeth]'' '''''AND RUINED MY WHOLE GODDAMN WEEKEND!'''''

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:'''The Nerd''': I've already talked about the ''Terminator'' games and they suffered the same fate. The first Terminator had some of the worst controls in existence. The only way to fire the gun is to crouch into this gun mode and jumping around requires extreme accuracy. The second game was a monotonous button masher where enemies take a thousand punches. And there were platforms you can't jump on, like some kind of prank!

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing &quot;Last Action Hero&quot; on NES]'' It uses cutscenes with images taken from the movie, but they look like garbage. The contrast is so intense you can't even tell what you're looking at. What is this? A dead fish? A porcupine's back? Oh, it's the top of some guy's head. Damn, it looks like the NES just vomited all over your TV screen. How does it look this bad? I know this is only 8-bit, but I've seen much better. Even with ''Total Recall!'' Arnold's face on the title screen actually looks like him. Hell, even the ''E.T.'' game on Atari 2600 actually looks like E.T. On the title screen at least, but, God, ''[stutters]'' I can't talk about that game.

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:'''The Nerd''': ''[after playing &quot;Conan&quot; on NES]'' Who'd wanna play it anyway? I'd rather have a Sasquatch sit its ass on my face and shoot diarrhea down my throat! I'm dead fucking serious. What a shitload of fuck. What were they thinking? ''[he drinks Rolling Rock]'' And you know what the worst part about it is? I don't think it's really supposed to be based off the ''Conan the Barbarian'' movie. Just the character. So it's not really a Schwarzenegger game, and I just wasted my fucking time.

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:'''The Nerd''': All right, one last game, one last chance for the Schwarzenegger NES library to redeem itself: ''[[w:Predator (film)|Predator]].'' How could this be bad? It's fucking Predator. You look at the cover and think &quot;Yeah! This game's gonna be awesome!&quot; This is a real man's game. This game will turn you into a sexual tyrannosaur. Like me. ''[puts the game in the Nintoaster as the screen shows the game that Arnold wears pink]'' Is he wearing pink? Why'd they put him in pink? Did they see the movie? He doesn't wear pink in the movie. That's not an appropriate army color. I don't know. Maybe he's in pink to stand out from the dull graphics. The graphics are as ugly and dirty as this game's mom. This game sucks so bad the enemy soldiers commit suicide. In addition to the enemy soldiers, you must also face scorpions which you can stand on and they take you for a ride. But only the green scorpions. What, you thought you could ride on a red scorpion? What are you, crazy?

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:'''The Nerd''': This is another one of those games where the music doesn't stop when you pause. Even worse, if you press any button while paused other than &quot;Start&quot;, you will self-destruct. This ''can'' be handy, if you find yourself stuck somewhere, due to faulty game design. Like, here. I'm stuck in the damn rocks. So, rather than working out the bugs, they decided to include a suicide button. This is dangerous, because whenever the game's paused, you have to be careful not to hit the wrong button. Don't pause it, and then, pass it to your buddy whose thumb accidentally touches the &quot;A&quot; or &quot;B&quot; button, and kills off your last life fast than you can say &quot;Oops!&quot;. Another major inconvenience is that every time you die, you have to make sure to pick &quot;Continue&quot;. If you pick &quot;Start&quot;, your game is forever lost, and you have to go all the way back to the beginning. And sooner or later, when you keep playing this long enough...you're gonna make a mistake. It doesn't help that they put the cursor ''on'' &quot;Start&quot; by default. And you can't select by pressing the D-Pad. You have to use the &quot;Select&quot; button, which is right next to the &quot;Start&quot; button, increasing your risk of fucking it up. ''That'' is some sadistic bullshit.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' This game blows ass, sucks duck cunt, fucking shit munchin' bunch of pile of... poop.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' ''[gets killed]'' '''''Fuck!''''' All right, c'mon. C'mon, c'mon c'mon. ''[he accidentally selects &quot;Start&quot; instead of &quot;Continue&quot;, and is shocked]'' Oops. ''I hit Start?'' ''I hit Start... '''I gotta go all the way back to the beginning.''''' ''[The Nerd shakes his controller and screams in rage]''  '''''AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!! FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-- SHIIIIIIIIIIT!!''''' ''[chokes himself with the controller]'' '''''FUUUUUUCK!! DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN!! AAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSS! YOUR MOTHER! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!''''' ''[drinks Rolling Rock]'' That's it. I'm seein' red. I'm gonna beat this fucker '''''right now!'''''

&lt;hr width='50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Oh, my God, I'm so fuckin' mad I could take a chainsaw to a fuckin' baby's neck right now! I could kick a baby pony! Out of my way, I'm gonna fuck you up. Fuckin' game, I'm gonna fuckin' kill it! [grunts] Your mother! Your father! Your uncle! Your uncle! ''[growls]'' Yeah! Yeah, I'm at the final boss! And-- And it's a... big Predator head that looks like Casey Jones from the ''Ninja Turtles.''
:'''The Nerd:''' C'mon, fu-fu-fu-fu-fu-fuck-- shit! ''[grunts]'' Shoot the bastard, come on! You stop shootin' that shit at me, I'm gonna fuckin' kill you! I'm gonna fuckin' kill you! See, I'm not playin' around. I'm not '''''FUCKIN' AROUND HERE!''''' ''[growls]'' '''''I'M NOT...FUCKIN' AROUND!'''''
:''[eventually defeats the first phase of the boss]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Ooh, the mask is off now. ''Now'' it's serious. Now it's fuckin'... ''[grunts]'' ...fuckin' fuck time! Oh, my God, I gotta fuckin' win before I have a heart attack!
:''[defeats the boss]''
:'''The Nerd:''' ''[shocked and happy]'' I did it! I did it, I won! I beat ''Predator!'' Oh, man. Ooh, boy. ''[exhales and reads text]'' &quot;Congratulations. You have survived.&quot; ''[deep sigh]'' Barely! ''[throws the NES controller.]''

=== [[w:Ghosts 'n Goblins|Ghosts 'n Goblins]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': Happy Halloween. And guess what I have here? I was doing an autograph signing not too long ago, and one of my fans hands me this piece of paper. It's a petition to review ''[[w:Ghosts 'n Goblins|Ghosts 'n Goblins]].'' Yeah, he went through the line and got everybody to sign it. Now, what's there to say about ''Ghosts 'n Goblins?'' Well, it's not a bad game. It's made by Capcom so how could it? But, it's one of the most difficult games in the NES library. This game is harder than fossilized triceratops turds! I'm talking Mega Man combined with Castlevania, that kind of hard. Games this ruthless and unforgiving should be illegal. And I never got a petition to review any other game. That's a true testament to the game's legacy and the internal frustration that scarred us all since childhood. I remember my first time playing it: I got it for my birthday, the same day I got my NES.
:'''Young James''': You wanna play ''Ghosts 'n Goblins?''
:'''Young April''': Yeah, I do!
:'''Young James''': Look!
:'''Young April''': I do!
:'''The Nerd''': Of course I had the ''Super Mario Bros./Duck Hunt'' combo cartridge, but the first game I attempted was ''Ghosts 'n Goblins.'' That's right, this is the first NES game I ever played. And that's one Fuck of a game to start with.
:'''Young April''': Go on, shoot 'em, shoot 'em!
:'''Young James''': I don't know how!
:'''The Nerd''': Naturally, I got my ass kicked. This is what it would've looked like my first time playin' the game. I sucked balls. This new console was way different than the Atari 2600 I was accustomed to. In the 80's, these were the kind of brutal-ass games that kicked us into shape and heightened our senses. Made us into fuckin' tigers. And now, 25 years later, I'm gonna put my gaming skills to the ultimate test, and see if I can finally beat this fucker. Because, it's Halloween. There's no excuse. I can feel in the air. The time is right to play some Ghosts 'n Goblins.
:''[The Nerd inserts the game and thunder claps and lightning flashes]''

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:'''The Nerd''': It begins with one of the most shocking intros in video game history: A couple just got done having sex in a cemetery. I'm not even kidding! What else does it look like? He's not even wearing clothes! Next thing, Satan shows up as if saying &quot;Yeah, I want to get in on some of that!&quot; and takes her away. That's the plot. Is that the greatest opening to an NES game or what?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[after getting killed by Satan]'' And now you're stuck with that shitty shield. Don't even try. You can't kill the Unicorn with the shield. It doesn't work. If someone else wants to try it, go ahead. You need the knife. So now, you gotta go ghostbusting. Kill those fucking ghosts until one of them drops a knife. Again, it's at pure random. So, expect to run the timer out a few times. And by this point, those annoying squeals the ghosts make will nearly drive you to break the fucking TV screen. ''[ghosts make squealing noises and the Nerd mimics it]'' '''''OH, SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!'''''
:'''The Nerd''': Finally, when you get the knife back, you can try the level again. ''[The Nerd is fighting Satan]'' C'mon, c'mon, c'mon! I'm gonna do it! ''[dies and exclaims with frustration]'' '''''FUCK!''''' ''[to the Jack O' Lantern]'' '''WHAT'RE ''YOU'' LAUGHIN' AT?!'''
:'''The Nerd''': You know that feeling you get when you ''almost'' beat the level, and you want another shot right away? You have that adrenaline going, and you want to start again immediately? Well, you can't. You gotta go wait for the fucking knife to come back. So, you'll never get two tries in a row. You know what? I'm sick of it! I've been playing this fucking game since the 80's. I gotta beat it! I need closure on this. I need to end this chapter on my life. This chapter of...not beating Ghosts 'N Goblins. ''[he barely beats two Satans as he gasps in joy]'' I did it! I beat two Satans! In my underwear!
:'''The Nerd''': Final boss: The Devil! Notice how I'm walking backwards. So, it's now in one-on-one fighting mode. Kinda like a certain other Capcom game. ''[gets hit and exclaims]'' Come on! My mother throws bigger fireballs than that.
:''[The Nerd defeats the Devil and is shocked but relieved]''
:'''The Nerd''': You know what? I don't try to be cocky or anything but... '''''who's the man?''''' I just beat one of the hardest games of all time! I bet you didn't think I could really do it, but [[w:Dawn of the Dead (1978 film)|I got this, man. '''''I GOT THIS BY THE ASS!''''']] ''[notices text on the screen]'' &quot;This room is an illusion and is a trap devisut by Satan. Go ahead dauntlessly! Make rapid progres!&quot;? ''[starts again from the beginning of the game and is horrified and speechless]''
:'''The Nerd''': You have to beat the game twice? ''[chuckles sarcastically]'' You have to beat the game twice in a row. That's just great because this time I'm ''[angrily]'' '''''TWICE AS FUCKING PISSED OFF!!''''' Beat the game twice. I'll show you twice. After all that hard work, who would want to do that shit again? It's like building a house and when you're finished, you tear it down just to build it one more time. &quot;Oh, yeah, we could've made 12 stages, but instead, let's just make six and make people have to play the game twice.&quot;
:'''The Nerd''': All right. I'm gonna get the good ending this time. It better be good, whatever it is. It better be something awesome for goin' through the game twice. All right. '''''All right!''''' ''[beats the game again]'' '''''YEAH! I did it!''''' ''[reads the ending screen]'' &quot;Contraturation. This story is happy end. Thank you. Being the wise and courageour knight that you are you feel strongth welling in your body. Return to starting point. Challenge again!&quot;?
:''[The Nerd is angrily speechless, and rage builds up inside him, and tries yelling &quot;Fuck!&quot;, but can't.]''
:'''The Nerd''':  Curse! Curse, Goddamn it! ''[grunts]'' I used up all my &quot;Fuck&quot; points during the last 107 episodes. ''[sighs]'' I don't have anything new. I gotta rely on the old tricks.
:''[The Nerd starts fighting the Ghosts 'N Goblins cartridge Final-Fantasy style]''
:'''The Nerd''': All right. Let's try the cluster F-Bombs. Fuck this fucking piece of shit fucking shit fucker game!
:''[Ghosts 'n Goblins attacks the Nerd]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[grunts]'' Uh, gotta go for the Precision F-Strike. ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, how this game lures you in with its appealing gameplay, and charming atmosphere, and then ''[angrily]'' '''BENDS YOU OVER AND ''FUCKS'' YOU TO FUCK!!'''
:''[Ghosts 'n Goblins attacks with diarrhea blast]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[exclaims]'' All right, how about some Wordplay? Alliteration. Feast on some fried fuck-farts! Assonance. What's up, you dumb fuck-tuple mother-humpin' muppet-fucker's uncle?! Uh, Rhymes! Suck on this muck, you run amuck fucked-up, uh, mandarin duck.
:''[The Nerd misses and Ghosts 'n Goblins attacks with blizzard of balls]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[groans]'' Alright, when all else fails, it's time for the Atomic F-Bomb!
:''[The Nerd roars and the 8-bit word flies toward the screen]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[roars]'' '''''FUCK!!!!'''''
:''[Loud explosion kills Ghosts 'n Goblins]''

=== Atari Sports ===
:'''The Nerd''': Most of the video games I talk about are... action games, sidescrollers, games that are in the realms of fantasy. But, there's a huge, huge following for games based on sports. And I get a lot of requests for that, and I'm not really a big fan. Because, I don't know, I-I guess I like fantasy games more because it's something that you couldn't do in real life, whereas a sports game you ''could'' go outside and play sports. It's possible. Not for me, 'cause, I don't know anything about sports; I'm a fuckin' nerd.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Football; Don't even get me started. And I'm not talking about the kind of football where they actually ''use'' their foot. I mean the kind where they slam into each other, like a bunch of barbarians! ''[he pounds his fist into his hand as he grunts]'' What I don't understand is why everything is always &quot;bowl&quot;. What, like a toilet bowl? Okay, I know at least what the Super Bowl is. It's the most anticipated football game in the season. And with so much testosterone and high energy going around, why is the halftime show always some pussy pop group? '''''GET METALLICA IN THERE OR SOMETHING,''''' it doesn't make any sense!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Alright. Back to football video games. ''Madden, Madden, Madden.'' ''Madden '91! Madden '92, Madden '93, Madden '94, Madden '95, Madden '96, Madden '97, Madden '98, Madden '99, Madden 2000, Madden 2001, Madden 2002, Madden 2003--'' '''''Who the fuck is John Madden anyway?!''''' He doesn't even look like an athlete! What is it with football? Everywhere you go, football! Go there, football! Football, football, football. Like, what the fuck? Sunday Football, Monday Night Football, Thursday Night Football, Football on Thanksgiving, Football on Christmas, and out of all sports, it's the one everyone goes fuckin' ape-shit over! '''''Makes them act like fuckin' maniacs!''''' ''[screams and crushes Rolling Rock can with his head]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[sighs in relief]'' Man. I gotta calm down. All right. If I'm gonna play some sports games, I gotta start with the Atari 2600. Yeah! This is when sports games were fucking sports games. Look at these titles; Baseball, Basketball, Football, not this ''Madden'' shit.  Just plain-ass, normal, everyday, no question about it, no NFL, no year, not named after a player, not named after a coach, not named after the referee's pet goldfish, no quarterback, dime-back, [[w:Nickelback|Nickelback]], simple, ordinary, un-embellished, unmistakable, crystal clear, as frank as Frankenstein, as blunt as an atom '''''BOMB,''''' one compound word, ''it's motherfuckin', goddamn, sons-of-bitchin', fuck, fuck, fuckin' '''FOOTBALL!''''' ''[growls and slams the cartridge into Atari 2600]'' And it's one of the worst games I've ever played in my life. Are these football players, or are they stormtroopers? Are they wearing helmets, or are these microwaves on their heads? Is it Team White vs. Team Naked? Is that a crowd noise, or is it the sounds of the ocean? Is that the entire field? Yeah, it is. And it's surrounded by... water, it looks like. Yeah, it's like an island. It's Football Island. ''[chuckles]'' In other words, Hell. I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna make it... Yeah. yeah...! ''[scores a touchdown]'' '''''TOUCHDOWN!''''' ''[screams then tackles the camera]''

=== [[w:Ikari Warriors|Ikari Warriors]] ===
:'''AVGN''': Here's another game I've had a personal grudge with since I was a kid. ''[[w:Ikari Warriors|Ikari Warriors]]'' on NES. Let's pop this fucker in and I'll show you how it goes. Two guys, tugging at their crotches, march up to the title, fire their guns around at nothing, and then you pick one or two players. Well, I'm not getting anybody to play this shit with me. So, I'm going solo like usual.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': An average game of ''Ikari Warriors'' lasts about five minutes. But you're in luck, there's a code. A-B-B-A. It brings you back to life. ''[dies]'' Oop. I'm dead again. A-B-B-A. ''[dies again]'' ABBA. Get used to that, you're going to be doing that a lot. ''[dies a third time]'' A-B-B-A.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''' ''[commenting on the slow nature of the gameplay]'': It's not horrible, it's just tedious as fuck and with one player, this is gonna take all night. I need a second player.
:''[The Nerd looks over to the end of the couch, behind which is the skeleton of Kyle Justin, complete with his fedora and a guitar. He nods to the camera, then gets up and walks over to the skeleton.]''
:'''AVGN''': A-B-B-A.
:''[Kyle slowly comes back to his human life form. Once he does, he sees The Nerd and groans in disgust.]''
:'''Kyle Justin''': [groans] I guess somebody needs a favor.
:'''AVGN''': Yeah. I need your help, to beat a game.
:'''Kyle Justin''': Let me-- let me guess. A shitty game?
:'''AVGN''': Yeah, a shitty game. ''Ikari Warriors''.
:'''Kyle Justin''': Yeah, I know that game.
:'''AVGN''': Oh yeah?
:'''Kyle Justin''': Yeah, I know what you could do with that game too.
:'''AVGN''': Uh huh.
:'''Kyle Justin''': Yeah, yeah. You take the game, and you take your ass cheeks as well, and you just open them up really wide, and you grease up the game and just shove it up your ass! I'm not helping you. Besides, you never play my theme song anymore.
:'''AVGN''': Yeah, the theme song. And I thought people were getting tired of that.
:'''Kyle Justin''': You thought wrong.
:'''AVGN''': Yeah, ''[to camera]'' I know. Alright, so if we do the theme song, will you play the game with me?
:'''Kyle Justin''': Fine.
:'''AVGN''': Alright. Let's do this. Play the song. 
:''[Kyle cracks his knuckles.]''
:'''Kyle Justin''' ''(playing scales on his guitar and singing)'': Do-mi-so-mi-do...
:'''AVGN''': Play the song. ''[Kyle clears his throat]'' Play the fucking song! ''[Kyle moistens his lips while getting spittle on the Nerd, then sings the theme song as the Nerd pantomimes frustration]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Okay, ''Ikari Warriors''. You know what &quot;Ikari&quot; means?
:'''Kyle Justin''': What?
:'''AVGN''': Anger.
:'''Kyle Justin''': Do you know what &quot;Warrior&quot; means?
:'''AVGN''': &quot;Warrior&quot;? No.
:'''Kyle Justin''': Brave soldier or fighter?
:'''AVGN''': Brave soldier or fighter.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Kyle Justin''': So who is this guy? Rambo?
:'''AVGN''': Well, if that's Rambo, who's the other guy?
:'''Kyle Justin''': Arnold Schwarzenegger?
:'''AVGN''': Which movie?
:'''Kyle Justin''': ''[[w:Commando (film)|Commando]]''.
:'''AVGN''': That'd be a fucking awesome movie! John Matrix and John Rambo, together at last! Of course it'd be &quot;Rambo and Commando'&quot;. Say that three times fast.
:'''AVGN and Kyle Justin''': Rambo Commando Rambo Commando Rambo Commando!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''(Just after entering Level 2, The Nerd and Kyle come up to a point where Kyle's character has become stuck inside a rock.)''
:'''AVGN''': You're not stuck. Stop fooling around. Get outta there.
:'''Kyle Justin''': I'm trying!
:'''AVGN''':...you're really stuck. ''(Begins lobbing grenades toward the rock)''
:'''Kyle Justin''': Just kill me.
:'''AVGN''': I'm...I'm trying!
:'''Kyle Justin''': No, kill me for real.
:'''AVGN''': Wait, wait, just wait for one of these missiles to come. ''(The enemy missile hits the rock and obliterates Kyle's character.)'' Alright. We're back in business now. ''(The Nerd then sees what happens next and gets a look of shock on his face; Kyle's character still cannot move)'' Oh, shit, you respawned inside ''another'' rock!
:'''Kyle Justin''': I've had it with this fucking game! I'm gonna blow my fucking brains out! 
:''(He picks up a Zapper, puts it to his head, and pulls the trigger. He flashes on screen four times, then disappears.)''
:'''AVGN''': ''(turns to where Kyle was sitting)'' A-B-B-A!
:''(This time, Kyle comes back to life with part of his body stuck behind the couch.)''
:'''Kyle Justin''': Aw fuck!
:'''AVGN''': You're right. Having two players doesn't help much.
:'''Kyle Justin''': Get me outta this couch, you damn Nintendo dork!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Yeah, made it to Level 3. And ''finally'' it looks different! But the music's still the same. Anyway, it looks ''so'' different it's like you stepped out of the jungle and into ''[[w:The Twilight Zone (franchise)|The Twilight Zone]]''. Look at all the white chocolate bars and scrotum guns.
:'''Kyle Justin''': ''[singing]'' White chocolate bars and scrotum guns. ''[stops singing]'' Wait, I don't remember the episode with the scrotum guns, but [[w:Nightmare at 20,000 Feet|the one with the gremlin on the wing]] was pretty good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Kyle Justin''': ''[singing]'' It's the game of life.&lt;br&gt;A, B, B, A.&lt;br&gt;It will bring you back today if you want it to.
:''[The Nerd has died again and is frantically trying to punch the code in.]''
:'''AVGN''': A-B-B-A! A-B-B-A! Fuck!
:'''Kyle Justin''': ''[singing]'' It will save you today...
:'''AVGN''': It didn't save me now!
:'''Kyle Justin''': ''[singing]'' and bring you back to life...
:'''AVGN''': Apparently near the end of Level 3, A-B-B-A stops working.
:'''Kyle Justin''': ...didn't save him today...
:'''AVGN''': Okay, so here's what we're gonna do. First, we're gonna use Game Genie to get infinite lives. ''[puts the NES Game Genie with the cartridge attached into the Nintoaster]'' Then we're gonna use a stage select code; that way we can go back to Level 3 and continue our fucking game. You can find the code in the classic book ''[[w:Jeff Rovin|How to Win at Nintendo]]''. Nowcheck out this code: &quot;right before the title screen, press: up, down, A, A, B, left, right, A ,B, up, A, down, right, right, left, B, up, left, A, right, B, left, right, A, left, up, A, down, A, right, left, B, select.&quot; ''[pauses incredulously]'' '''WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!?! Why's the code have to be so fucking long?''' And according to this you have to punch in the code before the titlescreen comes up!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': (after he tries to enter the code) So, I'm faster than greased lightning now. I can pull off the whole code before the title screen comes up, but turns out the book was wrong. To ''really'' find how to do the code you check out the VHS tape, &quot;Secret Video Game Tricks, Codes, and Strategies&quot;. Yeah, I used to rent this fucker from the video store all the time. But anyway, the real way to do the code is ''during'' the title screen, not ''before'' it. Let's try again. (enters the code during the title screen)
:'''Kyle Justin''':  ''(singing)'' Up, down, A, A, B, left, right, A, B, up, A, down, right, right, left, B, up, left, A, right, B, left, right, A, left, up, A, down, A, right, left, B and start.
:'''AVGN''': So here we are, back in level 3.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Anyway, the last stage is as hard as fuck. I hate these guys that swim under water. You cant shoot them when they're submerged, and they're too fast to outrun. What are these, human beings or fucking torpedoes?
:'''Kyle Justin''': ''(singing)'' Throw milk at them, just try it, might work.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Now let's see how bad this ending sucks.
:'''Kyle Justin''': ''[singing to the tune of the AVGN theme song]''
:'''You have accomplished'''
:'''the mission.'''
:'''You are the very prevailer'''
:'''that protect right'''
:'''and justice.'''
:'''I would express my sincere.'''
:'''Thanks to you.'''
:'''Take good rest!'''
:'''General Kawasaki'''
:'''AVGN''': Get back behind the couch.
:'''Kyle Justin''': ''[still singing]'' He's the Angry Video Game Nerd.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''Kyle Justin's &quot;Scrotum Guns&quot; song, version 1''
:'''We might be past the scrotum guns&lt;br&gt;But I haven't forgot them&lt;br&gt;'Cause they are so hairless&lt;br&gt;Where did their hair go?&lt;br&gt;Ooh, where did their hair go?&lt;br&gt;Where did their hair gooo?&lt;br&gt;Where did their hair go?'''

=== [[w:Toxic Crusaders (video game)|Toxic Crusaders]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Why's there always gotta be bats?!
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': Bats, th-these aren't bats, Nerd, these are cats with wings! When-when I was a teenager at Tijuana, I-I had some pussy with wings. ''[AVGN smiles and snickers before covering his face with his hands]'' And-and-and th-that's what it's all about, man! ''[AVGN laughs offscreen]''
:'''AVGN''': Yeah. How do you like this? World 2-4, World 2-5, and we're still going. And it's a portable console! You can beat Super Mario Land at a time--
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': ''[Interrupts the Nerd]'' Wh-What are you talking about?! You want something to, uh, take a long time to beat?! Would take me a long time to beat off to Justin Beiber, man! And uh...
:'''AVGN''': ''[nods in agreement]'' Takes a long time.
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': Long! My penis is pretty damn long right now! ''[AVGN snickers offscreen]'' And I'm... I'm not even flaccid.
:'''AVGN''': Look at all the &quot;Z&quot;s on the fence. That's exactly how I feel when I play this game. ''[Lloyd Kaufman yawns as he falls asleep with the controller in his mouth]'' ...Like going to sleep. ''[AVGN glances at him and nods]'' Alright, alright, okay, okay, okay, okay!
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': ''[suddenly wakes up and hallucinates]'' Ah, where am I?! ''[whimpers as he twiddles with the SNES controller]''
:'''AVGN''': Alright.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Well, as you can see, you can tell it's another beat 'em up game. So what do you think of that chopper? Why's it have so many colors?
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': Well, uh, the chopper is made out of a tie, man. And it's tie dye. That's why it is those many colors. ''[AVGN shakes his head before he and Lloyd Kaufman struggle over the controller]'' Give me that! Give me that! I want that!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': What 'bout the music? Couldn't they have something more upbeat and action-packed? ''[volume of background music from Toxic Crusaders for Sega Gensis increases]''
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': I love it. I love it. I...It makes me want to strip, Nerd. ''[actually removes his coat along the music while AVGN quickly glances and shakes his head]'' I wanna take my clothes off.
:'''AVGN''': Okay, okay, okay!
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': Ah, I love this music.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&gt;
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': ''[having such difficulty playing]'' Fuck! Jumpin' Jesus on a... fuckin' pogo stick! Fuck! Dick! Quack! Weewee! Doodle! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuhh!
:'''AVGN''': And that's what happens when we go from the movie, to the show, to the game - it's like putting a golden egg on a mountain of shit, and then you roll it down and it gets shittier and shittier and shittier. By the time it gets to the bottom, it ain't the same. ''(to Lloyd)'' And look; that's your name on it! That's your name on this game!
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': I spit on my name! ''[makes spitting noises]''
:'''AVGN''': What you created that's great got transformed into a mutated anomaly that'd make the Pope weep. They made a mockery of your shit, man! What're you gonna do about it?!
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': What am I gonna do about it, what am I gonna do about it?! I'm gonna shit on this, I'm gonna take a huge dump, here I go, and I had baked beans for dinner! (removes the cartridge from the Nintoaster, and puts it on the floor) You want shit, you shitty fuckin' game?! Well, here it comes, here it comes! ''(drops his pants and lets loose shit as the Nerd watches in horror)'' You shitty shit game, how'd ya like that?!
:'''AVGN''': UGH, IT'S NASTY, OH, GOD, OH! ''[his stomach rumbles and he pukes on the pile of shit as Lloyd laughs insanely]''
:'''Lloyd Kaufman''': Ah. That'll teach you, you fuckin' game.

=== [[w:Bill &amp; Ted's Excellent Video Game Adventure|Bill &amp; Ted's Excellent Video Game Adventure]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': What happens when you take an 80s comedy film like ''[[w:Bill &amp; Ted's Excellent Adventure|Bill &amp; Ted's Excellent Adventure]],'' and turn it into an NES game? Two guys are struggling to pass their history course, so they go back in time in a phone booth to get the aid of famous historical figures. It's dumb, but it's great entertainment, and a video game adaptation seemed like a good idea. It had fun characters, time travel, and adventure. So how could you fuck it up? You wanna know? ''[Metal rock music plays as the Nerd reveals the LJN logo.]'' ''That's'' how.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Who are these &quot;time rebels,&quot; and why do they want to do this? Well, guess what. They're never referred to again. Yeah, they're just for your imagination. ''[a thought bubble with the time rebels appear]''
:'''Blue-Haired Rebel''': Man, wouldn't it be funny if we put Thomas Edison in Ancient Egypt? ''[chuckles]''
:'''Green-Haired Rebel''': How about Galileo in the Jurassic period? ''[they both chuckle]'' We're assholes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So where is Rembrandt? You can explore this whole land, but you won't find him anywhere. That's because you need to lure him out, with bait. What is he, a fucking fish? The bait can be any random object. There's four of them hidden on each stage; one of them will make Rembrandt appear in one of the random houses. How do you find this bait? You wanna know? Guess what? By jumping into things! ''[the Nerd jumps into a tree, and falls]'' This game treats you like an idiot. Like, &quot;Hey kids, you wanna play a Bill &amp; Ted game? Well, here you go! Go jumping around into fucking bushes and fences! That'll keep you busy! Have fun!&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Fuck the townspeople, fuck not knowing where to go, I'm gonna get the power. Nintendo Power! ''[searches for a Nintendo Power magazine as he jumps and falls]'' Wasn't there. ''[jumps and falls again then finds a Nintendo Power magazine]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': The correct item is supposed to be something that would belong to this historical figure, and here is where the game could've been somewhat educational. But instead, it's a joke. For example, for Julius Caesar, you're supposed to give him salad dressing. ''[fake laugh]'' For Thomas Edison, you're supposed to give him a compact disc. Yeah. Let's not change history, by the way. For Cleopatra, a credit card. For Elvis, a gravestone. Here you go, Elvis! Here's your fucking gravestone! You're gonna die! For King Arthur, the Holy Grail. Yeah. Entire stories have been written about finding the Holy Grail; you're going to find it by casually slamming into a bush or fence. Just a little side quest. For Jesse James, an Uzi. You're going to give Jesse James a fucking Uzi? You're going to give a notorious outlaw a more contemporary weapon! Yeah, just help him out! Might as well give, I don't know, Vlad Tepes an atom bomb? Anyway, I give Rembrandt the Paint Roller, and he says, &quot;Let's party.&quot; That's exactly what he'd say. He also mentions that he'll pay for the call. &quot;Of course, here's some coins for your phone booth time machine from the future.&quot; And now, we have to go through the damn time circuits again. ''[a phone booth time machine runs into a pink skull, and The Nerd runs out of coins]'' My coins ran out. Didn't that motherfucker say he was gonna pay? ''[stage restarts]'' Aw, great! I have to roam around this fucking stage again, looking for coins? I've had enough.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': I'm losing my faith in the NES library. Was there ''any quality control here,'' you know, that-that, um, seal of quality, did that mean ''anything?!'' Did anyone look at these games before they dumped them in the back of every KB's and Toys &quot;Я&quot; Us?! How many of these games are worthless?! '''''All the LJN ones, I can tell you that,''''' but there ''are'' good games here, ''there are!'' ''Zelda,'' ''Mario,'' ''Metroid,'' ''Contra,'' ''Castlevania,'' ''Mega Man,'' '''''but then, A BIG FUCKIN' SHITSTORM HIT IT! A SHITSTORM OF HORRIBLE GAMES! And at the middle of it all, a rainbow! A rainbow of shit! LJN! And Bill and Ted...might even be...THE WORST LJN GAME ON THE NES!''''' It doesn't just have some &quot;flaws,&quot; there's no good and bad. This game is ''all bad.'' Like, I'm impressed! How did they do it? How did they make it so bad? Bad doesn't even describe it! It's disgraceful! It's ''putrid!'' In fact, I even looked up the word &quot;putrid&quot; in the dictionary. There's no definition. '''It's just a picture of ''Bill and Ted'' on NES!''' Curse this fucking game! Curse the plastic that encases this dung heap! Literally, it's a plastic shell '''''filled with shit! IT'S FUCKIN' SHIT!''''' ''It's... it's ass, it's garbage...'' And that's it, good night.
:''[walks off screen for 2 seconds, before coming back]''
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, wait, I forgot to mention as a matter of fact, it also sucks monkey fuck, and it's a worthless pitiful pile of ''snot-dripping, pus-bubbling, '''wet, steaming mountain of buffalo butt dump,''''' and mere descriptions can't even describe the '''''inane lack of common sense''''' that even a ''child'' would possess when making a game with chalk on a sidewalk. I can't even come up with a description that's foul and '''''disgusting''''' enough to even come ''close'' to this rancid abomination. Can't describe it. I'm done; For real this time.
:''[walks offscreen for 7 seconds, and returns]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[yells]'' '''''THIS GAME IS DIARRHEA COMING OUT OF AN OLD WOMAN'S BLEEDING VAGINA! IT'S FUCKIN' TERRIBLE! WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!''''' ''[angrily]'' I know; They ''weren't'' thinking.

=== [[w:Tiger Electronics|Tiger Electronic Games]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': Tiger, on the other hand, continued well into the 90s. In fact, I remember these things being more common in the 90s than ever. They kept pouring obsolete games into stores, and we were still buying them. They wouldn't die off! They were like cockroaches! By giving people a cheap alternative, they managed to coexist with the Game Boy. Yeah, this Tiger definitely rose up to the challenge of its rival, had the guts, got the glory, went the distance, now it's not going to stop! It's literally a Survivor!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Tiger games were so outdated they were never ''in''-dated! They were a fad, like Pogs! If they were an experiment in the 70's and they only made a few of them, then I could accept that. But no, they milked these things for all that they're worth! You thought LJN was the grand champion, the almighty shitty game factory? Tiger put LJN to shame! Sure, LJN laid down turd after turd after turd, but Tiger was like a machine gun ass shitting out turdturdturdturdturdturdturdturdturdturdturd! These are the worst games I've had the honor of playing, if you can even count them as video games! People have discussions like &quot;Are video games art?&quot; or something like that. Well, I have a better one: are Tiger games video games? These are a caveman's version of video games! These were a step back in human evolution! These are the most desperate attempt at entertainment! You could save up for a Game Boy, or just go ''[mimics playing a game with the sound effects]''. Yeah, well ''[mimics game sounds to motions of jerking off and flipping the bird]''! Just what the hell? How did they waste so much plastic to make these things?! It brought the game industry down as low as it could go! It's proof that Jesus died in vain and legally changed his middle name to Fucking! The only thing I could think of to use these things for is to wipe your ass with it! You might as well save that toilet paper! It's worth a whole lot more! ''[he drinks Rolling Rock]'' But I'm not done, am I? Oh, no. I've actually gotten into this point. It's time to talk about the wrist games. ''[he holds up a Tiger wrist game and groans disgustedly]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Now check this out: Batman Returns, the wrist game. Oh, boy... (The Nerd tries to open it) Wait, I can't get it open. Good. God, I hate this shit! You know... You know what's bullshit?
:''[The Bullshit Man appears as &quot;You Know What's Bullshit&quot; theme song plays and the Nerd looks in shock]''
:'''The Bullshit Man:''' '''YOU KNOW WHAT'S''' '''''BUUUUUUUUULLSHIT?!''''' ''[gives the Nerd a pair of scissors]'' Packaging that you need scissors to open! Even with the scissors, it's still a pain in the ass. Why's this plastic so fucking strong? This stuff is bulletproof. Nobody wants this shit, so why do they do it? They use it on everything! This kind of packaging should be outlawed! Why does it still exist? I especially &quot;love&quot; when you buy scissors and you need scissors to open the scissors. What fucking idiots think this is a good idea? They don't care. By the time you're having this problem, you already bought it. Packaging like this is bullshit. ''[leaves]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Thanks, Bullshit Man. ''[looks at the Tiger wrist game and sighs]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing the Batman Returns wrist game]'' Wow, look at how badass this game is. Yeah, this is the hot shit right here. You'd be so cool going around wearing this thing. Yeah, you'd be walking around school with this thing on, and everybody else is talking about what the new hot video game system is going to be. ''[scoffs]'' Nintendo 64? The Bit Wars? ''[chuckles]'' 64 bits. 32 bits. 16 bits. 8 bits. 4 bits! 2 bits! 1 BIT! HALF-BIT! QUARTER-BIT! ''[shouts hysterically]'' '''THE WRIST GAME!!!''' And you thought that was it for Tiger, huh? Handheld games, wrist games, Tiger ''(computerized voice)'' Pokémon Walkie Talkies?! Yeah! That's not enough? Well, how about '''a whole fucking Tiger game console?!''' In 1997, this was Tiger's belated answer to the Game Boy. You'd think it was called the Game-Dot-Com, but it's actually the Game.com.
:'''Game.com bootup voice''': GAME.COM ACTIVE.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': So, that's the Game.com. Needless to say, it flopped, especially with Nintendo dominating the portable gaming market. So, hey, why not just follow whatever Nintendo's doing? That mentality is what brought us what I think, so far, is the worst video game console I have ever played: the R-Zone. This is basically a shitty version of the Virtual Boy. Yes, I said that, as if the Virtual Boy wasn't shitty enough. Just look at it! What planet did this thing come from?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Just when you thought the most sorry, pathetic excuse for a video game was the Tiger wrist games, oh no. ''[points to wrist game]'' Imagine playing one of these, up close to your eye in red-and-black. ''[shot of the gameplay from the R-Zone's ''[[w:Batman Forever|Batman Forever]]'' game]'' '''GOOD LORD!''' You thought I was kidding. But it's true. This actually happened. Unlike the Virtual Boy, which causes eyestrain and headaches within minutes, this thing does it immediately!

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:'''AVGN''': I love how the advertisements always show a kid playing it. Look at his expression. He's horrified, and in the commercial, the kid's screaming in agony!
:'''Rodger Parsons (Pokémon Narrator):''' You better not blink.
:'''Kid''': ''[screams]''
:'''Rodger Parsons (Pokémon Narrator):''' Indy 500 roars into the R-Zone!

=== [[w:Alien 3|Alien 3]] ===

:'''AVGN''': It's the Halloween season again, and I can't miss the occasion to celebrate by torturing myself with another assanine game! Alien³ on NES, based on the movie. The first movie, Alien, was like a slasher film set in outer space; the second movie, Aliens, brought the action genre into the mix and gave it a wider mass appeal. It made a huge impact on not only film, but video games. The concept of shooting down hostile aliens, fighting for survival, was perfect for video game adaptations. It's no wonder why so many games like Contra and Metroid were influenced by the Alien movies' art style and their feelings of solitude, confinement and claustrophobia. Can you even count how many games blatantly ripped these movies off? The first two Alien movies were masterpieces, but the one we got on NES was the bastard sequel, the unholy 3 that had mixed reactions: some people like it, some people don't. It's not a terrible movie, but it's not great either. But, you know, I'm not gonna get all into right now. Monster Madness. So let's take a look at the game. Is this good enough for Halloween? I mean Alien³ is a horror movie. Is this scary enough? (He notices the LJN logo on the cartridge. The lights dim to a flickering red as the film's signature Nostromo self-destruct sirens blare.) Okay, now it just got fuckin' scary!

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:'''AVGN''': Quality ass? QUALITY ASS? That sums up the whole thing. There is no quality assurance with this shitload of fuck. This game is as much fun as a witch's cunt. It's a shame that there was never a good Alien game on NES. Oh, wait. Actually, I take it back. There were some good Alien games on NES. They're called Contra and Metroid! Yeah. You know, it's not the worst LJN game, I have to say, nor is it even that bad of an NES game. It's playable, as much as the movie is watchable. Huh. Maybe that's what they were going for. In that sense, they got it right. It may not be a pile of goat puke-smothered buffalo diarrhea, it's just a pile of goat puke; hold the buffalo diarrhea. I don't even know if buffaloes get diarrhea. But it pains me to know that there's still more LJN games out there, and I just can't take it. I can't fuckin' take it anymore! (He leaves. Cut to the ending scene where he jumps off the platform and falls into the lava pits below. He cries out in agony as the Cinemassacre logo bursts through his chest.)

=== AVGN Games ===
:'''The Nerd:''' You know, there's been many games based on the ''Angry Video Game Nerd.'' Which is me. Yeah. All these years, while I've been busy playing shitty games, people have been making games about myself. There's been so many games about me, I can't even keep up. Unlike the majority of games I've ripped apart, these ones were made by independent game developers, usually single-handedly, all by themselves, and hopefully they will have growing careers and aspire to make better games than a whole company of Laughin' Jokin' Numbnuts ever could. ''[referring to LJN.]'' Another thing that makes these games different from the games I usually play, is that I have to play them on a computer. ''[The Nerd looks at the Commodore 64.]'' Hmm. ''[shrugs his shoulders.]'' Well, anyway, the first AVGN game I'm gonna look at is: ''The Angry Video Game'' by Eric Ruth. This was the first AVGN game that ever came to my attention back in 2008. You might be wondering: what took me so long to get around to it? Well, the answer is simple: That's how long it took to load it on my Commodore 64!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''8-Bit Nerd:''' ''[a tombstone appears where the 8-Bit Nerd died, with only the word '''&quot;FUCK&quot;''' on it.]'' I'm dead! Fuck!
:'''The Nerd:''' Is that going to be my epitaph? ''[camera zooms in on tombstone]'' '''''&quot;FUCK&quot;?''''' 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' The weapon is the worst thing of all. The beers fly in an arc, so, you have to get in the right spot to calculate the trajectory, and everything blocks your aim. Fuck, fuck! I can't hit this fuckin' fish! '''''Fuck! Dah!''''' These beers are like the rock in ''Friday the 13th,'' and I already told you how bad that is. ''[his eyes widen in horror, as he looks at the screen]'' Oh, no. Is that why the game was designed this way? All the random enemies and all those things, it's because those are the kind of things I complained about. '''''This game is all my fault.''''' ''[groans in disgust]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' It takes a lot of extra effort to put a game on a real cartridge, so how could you resist ''AVGN vs. Dr. Wily'' by ABOhiccups? 
:''[the screen scrolls up along a skyscraper, exactly the same as in Mega Man 2's opening.]''
:'''The Nerd''': It's gonna be me, isn't it? It's gonna be me. ''[a sprite of The Nerd is on the top of the skyscraper, instead of Mega Man.]'' Yeah, that's me!
:'''The Nerd''': So basically, it's ''Mega Man 2,'' but instead of Mega Man, it's me. I'm in ''Mega Man 2,'' one of the best games ever made, and I'm ''in'' it! If I could've foreseen that as a kid, I would have shit my pants. The other difference is that the levels are redesigned to be way harder than the original game.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': After the tutorial, you get a selection of stages. Clearly, it's the largest AVGN game yet. I'm using an Xbox controller, and the controls feel 100% fluent. There is no doubt about it: this is a legitimate sidescroller; proving that the genre is still alive and strong. We don't even need to go back to the past, we're still in the past. And why is the music so ''fuckin' awesome?''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': The death screen always generates a random quote, saves me the work of trying to come up with something. Let's try ''Dungeons &amp; Dickholes.'' ''[in-game Nerd descends a ladder, and the next screen scrolls down to reveal an impossible death trap, shocking The Nerd]'' '''''Now''''' this is going too far. When I came up with this idea during my Super Pitfall episode, I didn't know somebody would actually create this exaggerated death trap. I can't even blame anyone but myself. ''I'' came up with this! What was I ''thinking?!''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': And at the heart of it all, the final boss, my arch-nemesis. It's, '''''it's'''''...Fred Fuchs. ''[spelled &quot;Fred Fucks&quot; in-game.]'' It's the programmer, motherfucking Fred Fuchs. Finally, I get to kick his ass! Yeah, fuck you, Fred Fuchs! ''[growls]'' '''''FUCKS YOU, FRED FUCH!''''' ''[screams, and beats Fred Fuchs as he grunts]'' Got 'im! ''[in-game Nerd's text says, &quot;Oh shit, Game Land is falling apart!!&quot;]''
:'''The Nerd''': Whew! I feel like I played every bad game I ever played, all at once. And now others are playing it, because of me! It's like I shared all my horrible experiences. It's all my fault! '''''FUCK THIS GAME!'''''
:''[he Nerd imagines the many ways he's destroyed previous game cartridges. He moves in to strangle the Commodore 64, but stops once he realizes he can't destroy the game like that. Instead, the Nerd types a delete command and deletes the game once and for all, with a heavy, satisfying mash of the Enter key as the Commodore's screen reads: '''*FILE DELETED*.''']''
:'''The Nerd''': Take '''''that,''''' game.

=== AVGN Wish List (Part 1) ===

:'''AVGN''': ''(on Where's Waldo)'' It's as if the pages of the book have been chewed up, digested, and shat out an 8-bit ass! How can you find Waldo in ''this?!'' WHERE THE FUCK ''IS'' WALDO?! ''He'' doesn't even know where he is!

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:'''AVGN''': ''(after he plays the NES version of Where's Waldo)'' Imagine buying this piece of shit for 50 bucks. Nowadays, releasing a game this short would never be excusable. Well, anyway, we have a lot more games to get through, so stay tuned for Part 2. I'm gonna go get the games. ''[he walks around in different directions like Waldo in the cutscenes]''

=== AVGN Wish List (Part 2) ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''The Three Stooges.'' This has always been a huge request. I've dreaded this moment for a long time. ''[powers on the game, which displays the title screen for Ghostbusters II]'' What? ''Ghostbusters II?''
:''[The Three Stooges walk onto the title screen, and stop in front of the Ghostbusters logo]''
:'''Curly''': Hey, fellas. We're in the wrong game.
:'''Larry''': Hey, this looks like a kid's game.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[smiling]'' Now, ''that's'' funny.
:'''Moe''': You imbeciles!
:'''The Nerd''': I've always been a big fan of ''The Three Stooges,'' but the game's charm ends right after the title screen.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': [reviews ''[[w:Home Improvement: Power Tool Pursuit!|Home Improvement]]''] How do you take a family sitcom and turn it into a video game? Well, the plot starts out with Tim &quot;The Toolman&quot; Taylor on the set of his show, Tool Time. Remember the show within the show? So, his tools go missing, and he has to go onto the sets of other shows to find them.
:'''The Nerd''': I'd give this game a better chance if I could read the instructions. The instructions might help, right? Yeah, guess what, there is none. Technically not. The manual opens up to a fake sticker printed over the pages that says &quot;'''REAL MEN DON'T NEED INSTRUCTIONS'''&quot;! Very funny.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing [[w:Pit-Fighter|Pit Fighter]] on SNES]'' As a kid, I never made it past the second guy. Even as a rental, it only made for about fifteen minutes of play-ability, if that, before ya turn it off and take it back to the video store. And I know it ''has'' to give you your health back at some point, but I've just made it to the fourth opponent, and still, they don't give you any health back. ''This is the worst Super NES game I've ever played!'' Worse than [[w:Super 3D Noah's Ark|Super Noah's Ark 3D]], worse than [[w:Shaq-Fu|Shaq-Fu]], worse than [[w:The Wizard of Oz (1993 video game)|Wizard of Oz]], worse than [[w:Lester the Unlikely|Lester the Unlikely]]! I am dead fucking serious! Even B-mode [[w:Double Dragon|Double Dragon]] was better than this, and that was on NES. Sure, it gets monotonous, and awkward at times, and you can only play as the same characters fighting themselves, but, it has much more fluid control and is ''way'' more fun than Pit Fighter.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[after he plays [[w:Bubsy 3D|Bubsy 3D: Furbitten Planet]] for the PlayStation]'' Most of the games I own are junk. I'm hoarding junk! '''''I SURROUNDED MYSELF WITH FUCKING GARBAGE!''''' ''[sighs]'' All right, one more game, and then it's Happy Holidays and good fucking night. Let's end with ''[[w:Spider-Man and Venom: Maximum Carnage|Spider-Man: Maximum Carnage]],'' on Super Nintendo. Everyone says I should play this one, as if I haven't already played ''enough'' Spider-Man games. They're all '''''terrible!''''' But, maybe this one's okay. After all, I'm not sure how I missed it, because it's one of the only Super NES games that's red. Anyway, let's give it a try.
:'''The Nerd''': Well, the comic book cutscenes are, quite nice. The gameplay? Well, it's a beat-em-up game. Monotonous, but fun. The controls are responsive, and the hit detection works fine. The sound effects are good, the punches and grunts you hear all lend themselves to the fun, stress-relieving nature of these kind of games. It just feels good when you hit things. You can climb up on buildings, which offers some variety and breaks up the monotony. It can be a little frustrating, but not too bad. And the music is upbeat and energizing.
:'''The Nerd''': And what do I hear? ''[&quot;The Mob Rules&quot; by Black Sabbath plays]'' It's ''The Mob Rules,'' by Black Sabbath! I don't mean it just sounds similar, it's the '''''same song,''''' just a 16-bit rendition. It even does the solo! ''[16-bit rendition of Black Sabbath's &quot;The Mob Rules&quot; solo playing]'' I think it was just a rip-off, and that they never got Black Sabbath's permission, but it's still welcome to hear and adds to this games' enjoy-ability.
:'''The Nerd''': That's right. I found a good Spider-Man game. Better late than never. It's no masterpiece or anything like that, but it would have definitely been worth a rental at the very least. Who made this game?
:''[The Nerd turns over the box, revealing that is was published by...'''LJN!''' The Nerd's eyes widen in shock, and he drops the box in happiness realizing that LJN pulled through and published a decent game for once!]''
:''[&quot;White Storm Dam&quot; plays]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[in shock and happiness]'' My God. Oh, my God. '''''THEY DID IT... THEY PULLED THROUGH!'' OH, MY ''GOD!'' THEY MADE A GAME... ''THAT'S NOT A STEAMING PILE OF FUCKIN' SHIT!'' OH, MY ''GOD!'' THEY DID IT! THEY MADE A GAME THAT'S NOT SHIT!''' I found a gold, at the end of the rainbow-- Oh, maybe it's not gold, maybe it's bronze or somethin', but... '''''THEY MADE A GAME THAT'S NOT SHIT! IT'S NOOOT SHIIIIIT!'''''

== Season Eight ==
=== [[w:Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing|Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing]] ===
:'''AVGN''': This time, we're not gonna go too far back into the past. Only to 2003 with a PC game called ''[[w:Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing|Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing]]''. I usually stick to consoles, and I ''don't'' usually do games from the current millennium, but this is a huge request. I've been told countless times that it's one of the worst, if not ''the worst game'' ever made, but I'm sure that's an exaggeration. It just looks like a generic mediocre racing game with trucks. And it's from the new millennium, well after the pioneering days of gaming, after the ETs and Jekyll and Hydes, after the advent of quality control, so how bad could it be? Let's find out. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': ''[upon first experiencing the games lack of collision detection and physics]'' Soooo...what are the complaints here? This is ''awesome!''
:'''AVGN:''' &quot;Big Rigs: Over The Road Racing&quot;. &quot;Over the road&quot; is right! It's my way or the highway, and the highway ain't got shit. Oh my god...

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': I'm not trying to find glitches! It just so happens that the ''whole game'' is a glitch! Look at this picture here; the hill turned into nothing, the tail lights are flying off the truck and this bridge is hovering over thin air! The support beams are ''so'' close to touching the ground, but don't. ''(His truck is pushed up through a bridge and he sees his opponent standing still)'' The fuck was that? Oh, by the way, that's the computer opponent who's still at the start line. Never moved. I'm literally running circles around him. Y'know, I kinda forgot I was in a race here. That ''is'' the purpose of the game. It doesn't matter which stage you're playing. The opponent always stalls at the start line and never moves an inch. You can spend the whole time driving through buildings, over mountains, and under bridges, and still win the race. What kind of challenge is that? Have you ever heard of a video game where you can't lose? How did the programmers ''forget to make the trucks move?'' Let's see if I can merge the trucks into one. (He tries to line his truck up with the opponent) Here we go. Eh, eh... ''(He succeeds)'' Yeah! That's some fine work. ''(He drives off and makes a whoosh sound)'' 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': This is the most unstable game I've ever played in my life. And would you believe, that the copy I own is ''a more recent'' version of the game? Yeah. The version that most people have played is commonly found on the internet, and is even ''less'' functional! In this version, one of the stages doesn't even work. If you try to pick this stage, it crashes the whole game. Not that it's any loss. It looks the same as any other stage. The truck you're racing against doesn't do anything different. It still sits there, waits for you to lap it and cross the finish line. Here we go. ''(He crosses the finish line, and the game text reads: &quot;YOU'RE WINNER!&quot; He looks at it in shock and snorts, and begins snickering.)'' Oh, no. No. ''(laughing uneasily)'' Oh, no! No! ''(continues laughing)'' &quot;You're Winner&quot; is the kind of stuff that turns horrible games into legend. It's the cherry on top the diarrhea shake. It's already been a popular internet meme for many years, but in the packaged version of the game that I own, it's been corrected to &quot;You win.&quot; Disappointing, I know.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': But there's at least one other version of this game, a newer one - version 3 as far as my knowledge goes - but anyway this one has a major advancement. ''Really'' big. Check this out; the other truck moves. Wow. No fuck. It's like we're actually having a race here. I'm gonna let him win just to see what happens. I hope it says &quot;You're a lose&quot; or something like that. Here we go. ''[Crosses the finish line, &quot;You win&quot; screen pops up. The Nerd looks in confusion]'' What happened?! How did I win?! Apparently, the other truck driver just decided to stop a little short. In other words; you can't lose! Why did they bother to release a new version if they didn't even fix the most basic thing?! But hey, the truck moves! So maybe this improvement pushes the game into the... pre-alpha stage. At best!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': These monumental blunders distract from all the regular flaws which would already be enough to fill any shitty game; most of the stages look similar, there's little variety, there are no sound effects other than the engine of the truck, the tail lights are fixated on the back of the trailer doors and they look like someone made them in Photoshop with a basic brush tool! Want me to prove it? ''[Creates tail lights exactly like the ones in Big Rigs in Photoshop]'' There you go. The street is always breaking up like the Glitch Gremlin paved over it, certain light posts are given strange colours that stick out from the rest of the game, the [[w:Arc de Triomphe|Arc de Triomphe]] appears twice in a row in a geographically inaccurate area, the trucks are referred to as &quot;cars&quot;, the &quot;Ultranav&quot; points you get from crossing checkpoints don't always go in order - what the fuck is &quot;Ultranav&quot; anyway? The timer goes outside the box and on top of all that the box that the game comes in is a '''complete lie'''! Never do the police chase after you. Maybe if that was just the front artwork, that would be excusable, but the back says, &quot;You'll be hauling loads and trying to stay one step ahead of the law.&quot; &quot;Deliver your load to its destination.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': What are they talking about? That never happens! Oh, no, no, I stand corrected. This game &quot;delivers a load&quot; all right - '''load of fucking shit'''! I'll deliver a load '''all over this fucking game'''! It's not even a game. It doesn't count as a game. If it were a game, you could lose. But you can't! It's nothing but win! &quot;You're winner!&quot; It's like the game feels sorry for you! [He drinks Rolling Rock]

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': This is not even ''close'' to a finished game - if you can call it a game. It's the '''worst game ever made'''! And I've played a lot, what is this, episode 118? So that is a big statement, but I'm '''DEAD FUCKING SERIOUS'''. It isn't as frustrating as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, no no, it's not as bad of an experience as that, but in terms of functionality, this is an all time low.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': You can't release something that's not finished! Who looked at this? I mean, who looked at THIS and thought, &quot;Yeah, that's OK. Put that out.&quot;? There's credits, which suggest that actual human beings were behind this. More than one. What were they thinking? Why would anyone want their name on this thing, and did any single one of them look at this and think &quot;Maybe there's still some work left to do?&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': By the year 2003, wouldn't there have been some kind of quality control? Even the worst games from the 70's had some playability. I would have assumed that Big Rigs was just some test game. Some kind of demo that a college student made, not an actual game that got sold in stores. It-it couldn't have been sold in stores. But, apparently, it did. This is the box. It came in a box! And it was rated by the ESRB! Someone from the ESRB looked at this game and gave it a rating! I know it's not their job to judge the quality of the game, but somebody looked at this and thought &quot;Wow. This is '''shit'''. But, E.&quot; Imagine buying this game, thinking it's gonna be a cool racing game, then you bring it home and play it and you get this. It's like a cruel prank. They should've recalled this game and gave out refunds. Imagine advertising this sort of thing. Imagine putting a commercial on TV for this shitload of fuck. I wonder what it would've been like. Hmm. (He imagines a TV commercial for &quot;Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing.&quot;)

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Mock advertisement, featuring gameplay footage, over the top production and a heavily tattooed James Rolfe wearing sunglasses, acting as a trucker]''
:'''Trucker''': Hey, kids! Strap yourself in for some action packed racing!
:'''Voice over''': It's Big Rigs!
:'''Trucker''': Eighteen wheels of thunder, and we've got '''trucks'''! Yeah... trucks!
:'''Voice over''': Big Rigs!
:'''Trucker''': Off-road traction! More power for non-stop driving action!
:'''Voice over''': Big Rigs!
:'''Trucker''': Over the Road Racing! Under the road, over the road, who knows?
:'''Voice over''': Big Rigs!
:'''Trucker''': Never lose a race again, You're always winner!
:'''Voice over''': With '''Big Rigs'''!
:'''Trucker''': Engines equipped with quantum phasing molecular mechanics to pass through solid objects so as to not interrupt the racing experience! '''Nothing''' stands in your way!
:'''Voice over''': When you're '''Big Rigs'''!
:'''Trucker''': Rear spinning tires with warp-drive velocity for interdimensional exploring! Leave the game behind and exceed the boundaries of existence!
:'''Voice over''': '''Big motherFUCKin' Riiiiiiggs'''!
:'''Trucker''': Drivin' around in fuckin' trucks!
:'''Voice over''': '''BIIIIIIIIG MOOTHHHERRRRRFUCCCCKIN' RIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGS'''!!! Big Rigs.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Well, there's one last thing left to find out. How fast can you go in reverse? Let's push the limits. (He drives in reverse, gaining speed quickly) The truck's fucking the ground. (The Nerd feels like he's traveling the speed of light, and the truck's engine noise becomes high pitched. He covers his ears) That noise! That noise, how high can it go?! [[Spaceballs|Light speed! Ludicrous speed! We've gone to plaid.]] (Screams wildly) '''''I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! WE GOTTA STOP!''''' (Releases the reverse key as the chair flies back, crashes into the video room) Oh, shit, oh, shit, oh, shit!

=== [[w:Penn &amp; Teller's Smoke and Mirrors|Desert Bus]] ===

:'''The Nerd''': The manual (and yes, there is a manual) says &quot;No, it's not an oversight. Does your life have a pause control?&quot;
:''[The Nerd chuckles weakly, groans angrily and is about to drink a Rolling Rock, but puts it aside]''
:'''The Nerd''': I'm drivin'. ''(hangs an air freshener on the camera)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[using a clamp to hold down the A button, just like in The Terminator (NES) episode]'' How do you like ''that'' trick, Penn &amp; Teller? If you can't beat the game, let the game beat itself.
:''[The Nerd walks away, and the bus is still driving, gradually veering off the right side of the road. The Nerd returns and sees what is going on]''
:'''The Nerd''': What, what? The fuck?! ''[grunts and tries to continue driving the bus, but is unable to]'' It's stuck! The bus is stuck in the sand. ''[The Nerd looks at the screen at in disbelief and takes a deep sigh.]'' They made the bus veer to the right on purpose. ''[groans]'' They thought of everything. God damn you, Penn and Teller! 

=== [[w:E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (video game)|E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''E.T.'' on Atari 2600. To begin with, it's not a game you just pick up and play. Most games this generation were very simple. Shoot a bunch of aliens, climb to the top of the screen, stop missiles or chomp down all the pellets, but E.T. is an enigma. With all these random symbols appearing at the top of the screen and falling in holes all the time, it's no wonder why gamers did not understand how to play this game. You have to read the instruction manual. So, once you understand how to play the game... '''IT ''STILL'' FUCKIN' SUCKS!'''

=== [[w:Beetlejuice (video game)|Beetlejuice]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': You know, what I'd rather do is trap a bunch of beetles in a jar, smush 'em with a lemon squeezer, and drain their juice into a shot glass. And no, I didn't say anything about drinking it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': I think the game has more to do with the star than the movie; I mean the star in the sky, the real Betelgeuse. It's a red super-giant that's going to explode one day. Does that not accurately describe the feeling you get from playing this piece of shit? This particular star is always pulsating; it's so inconsistent that it's sometimes called the ninth brightest star in the sky, but usually the tenth. These fluctuations in inconsistencies are exactly what they were going for with the unpredictable nature of this game. When you're flying all over the place like a spring-loaded turd in a pinball machine, that's just like the star itself, how it's been speculated to have changed course at one time or another, possibly because a nearby stellar explosion, or in this case, a fuckin' bug. I mean, here we have a game where what exists outside the edge in the screen could take effect or not; the absence of visibility will result in death, whereas the existence of something harmful but not visible will still be in effect! Is it any coincidence that a game with no definable boundaries would have such a distinct relation to a star with optical emissions that vary, making it hard to define the photosphere? Or what about how the star is surrounded by a circumstellar envelope made up of matter that's been ejected from the star, kinda like a mass of bees coming out of a beehive, and making an outer field around the hive? Betelgeuse is part of the constellation of Orion. That's what the ancient Greeks viewed it as but of course today we all know that's actually a skeleton shooting a fireball. Why would Betelgeuse be on the shoulder? Well, quite simply, anyone who's played this game as a kid has a chip on their shoulder whenever you bring up the name! And at last the game was released in May. That's the same month when Betelgeuse can be seen over the western horizon after sunset for only a brief period of time. Likewise, it was Western US gamers who played this right after sunset when their homework was done, and it was only for a brief period before they threw it to the ground, beneath the horizon. So yes, I'm convinced the game was based on the star, and not the movie... or you could just say they fucked it up, and took too much liberty with the source material. 

== The Twelve Days of Shitsmas ==

=== 1. [[w:Colorful Dragon|Tagin' Dragon]] ===
:'''AVGN''': Well, it's Christmas time, again, already, and that means... more shitty games for me. And I have a pretty big pile here, thanks to all you. All requests, a despicable dozen, and we are going to savor these juicy turds one day at a time. Because this is the 8th Christmas since I first started doing these Christmas specials, so we're going to do something a little different, a little excessive. 12 Days...of Shitsmas.

=== 2. [[w:ALF (video game)|ALF]] ===
:'''AVGN''': [After he opens a present] Oh no, it's ''[[w:ALF (video game)|ALF]]'' on the Sega Master System. Of course, it's based on the TV sitcom from the '80s. I used to love that show, just for the fact that the star character was a puppet. Ah yes, the loveable Alien Life Form &quot;ALF&quot; or Gordon Shumway who crash lands on Earth and lives with the Tanner family, not the Tanners from Full House. The goal is to collect special items to get his spaceship working so he can leave Earth and go home, along the way, having to avoid FBI agents who are out to get him. This is all strangely reminiscent of E.T. on Atari 2600. (Zoom in on an FBI agent) These guys are creepy, they look like pedophiles, perverts, child molesters. The way they're dressed in stereotypical trenchcoats and grabbing at the air, as if saying &quot;Come on ALF, I got some candy. I don't wanna hurt you, I just wanna... grope your little alien ass.&quot; (The FBI agent follows ALF into the kitchen) GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN YOU FUCKING SICKO!

=== 3. CrazyBus ===

:'''AVGN''': There's no goal unless you can see how high you can rack up the score. In other words, how long can you hold the D-Pad for! You like that game? You don't even need the game, just the controller and a timer! It would be more fun to stare at the wall! I have a whole new appreciation for Desert Bus! Big Rigs is more exciting than this shit! This broke the shit scale. This is a whole new higher level. First there's poop, then there's shit and then there's...DEFACATION!!

=== 4. [[w:The Ren &amp; Stimpy Show: Fire Dogs|Ren and Stimpy: Fire Dogs]] ===

=== 5. [[w:The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle and Friends (video game)|Rocky and Bullwinkle]] ===
:'''AVGN''': '''''EAT THIS, BITCH! YOU DON'T WANNA FUCK WITH A MOOSE THROWING BOMBS!'''''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Well there you have it, Rocky and Bullwinkle. Shitty game, shitty graphics, shitty music, shitty everything! Fucking big, clumsy moose! Bullwinkle, (Does a Bullwinkle impression) I'm Bullwinkle! '''MORE LIKE BULL FUCKING SHIT!'''

=== 6. [[w:List of Mary-Kate and Ashley video games|Mary-Kate and Ashley: Get A Clue]] ===

=== 7. [[w:V.I.P. (TV series)|V.I.P with Pamela Anderson]] ===
:'''AVGN''': This is a scumbag's idea of a game. &quot;Let's get some slutty girls and give 'em guns, huh huh!&quot;

=== 8. [[w:Lethal Weapon (video game)|Lethal Weapon]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Let me give you some advice. Never play a movie based game. You know why? Okay, okay. They FUCK you with the movie games! They FUCK you, they FUCK you! They know that you're going to buy the game and by the time you play the game and realize that you got fucked, it's too late. They don't care! And after fucking you, they fuck you some more. Who got fucked? The ones who bought the game. The ones who rented it were the lucky ones. They fuck you with the graphics, fuck you with the music, fuck you with the gameplay, they FUCK you, they FUCK you, they FUCK you! Walk off screen to select the character. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard of. That would be if I just walked off screen right now and somebody else came in.
:''[AVGN leaves the room and Mike Matei comes in the room to take his place]''
:'''Mike Matei''': I'm getting too old for this shit. ''[starts playing]''

=== 9. [[w:Porky's|Porky's]] ===

:'''AVGN''': What an experience Pee-Wee had. Can you imagine the story he has to tell? &quot;I was walking down the street. Narrowly avoiding a speedboat, a submarine on wheels, a parade of naked Dr. Seuss characters, a rabbit pig and dudes in cars. I fell down into a pond where I swung around on a pole and build a ladder up into a girls locker room shower with this weird blobby ghost tried to grab my dick. I DROPPED A BUNCH OF PYRO EQUIPMENT DOWN THE SAME HOLE THAT LEADS TO THE POND BUT SOMEHOW ENDED UP ON TOP A BUNCH OF SCAFFOLDING WHERE I WENT UP AND FINISHED IT ALL UP WITH A '''BOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!'''&quot; And that's why you gotta love Atari.

=== 10. [[w:HyperScan|HyperScan]] ===

:'''The Nerd: '''And yes, he just turned into a cheeseburger.

=== 11. [[w:Universal Studios Theme Parks Adventure|Universal Studios Theme Parks Adventure]] ===

:'''AVGN''': Universal Theme Park Adventure on Gamecube. A game based on a theme park, that was based on movies by Universal Studios, the giant movie making machine that made some of the greatest films of all time. From the classic monster movies of the 30's and 40's to the Spielberg masterpieces like Jaws, E.T. and Jurassic Park. Over the years, Universal Studios has celebrated its movie legacy by slowly converting its Hollywood studio location into a big amusement park for the public and destroying film history. You know the opera house set from the classic Phantom of the Opera that stood on Stage 28 for 90 years? Destroyed. The oldest surviving movie set in history gone over night to make way for a Harry Potter ride. But hey, Universal Theme Park was still a lot of fun. You know in the Back to the Future DeLorean and then there's volcanos and shit and then you're riding the bike with E.T. and then the...the truck comes and almost hit you and then you're on the waterfall and...then the T-Rex comes out and then...and then fucking Jaws is jumping out of the water and King Kong shaking the tram and then there's earthquakes and then there's those other movies that you don't even know what the fuck they are, nobody cares! It was awesome! By the 90's, this whole theme park idea was so huge, they opened up a new one in Florida. This is when Nintendo helped advertised it in the movie, The Wizard and then in 2001, Nintendo start promoting it again with this game (the Nerd inserts the disk into the Gamecube and turns the Gamecube on) which I think, sounds awesome. What a great idea to take all these movies and put them into one using the theme park as a way to tie them altogether and on a new advanced console. How could you go wrong?

:'''AVGN''': Well, only one present left. [Looks at the left present] Wanna take a peek? Yeah, let's take a peek. [Picks the last present then reveals the LJN logo as he feels shocked.] '''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!'''

=== 12. [[w:LJN Video Art|LJN Video Art System]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': It can't be! (Opens a present then reveals ''[[w:LJN Video Art|LJN Video Art]]'') LJN made a video game console. It's already bad enough they already monopolized the genre of shitty disfunctional video games, but now, to make a whole fucking console. The biggest turd LJN ever shat. Let's take a look.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Ooh, no, oh, no, oh, NO! Oh, I hate these. These things come from Hell! These are the devil's pitchforks that you have to screw on the back of your TV!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
''[Upon turning on the video game system, the game just blares static]''
:'''The Nerd''': Well, you have to admit, this sure has a killer soundtrack. Yeah, next time you're having a conversation about best video game soundtracks; Mega Man, Castlevania, no, tell them about LJN Video Art. I can see it right now like, &quot;Uh, how does that one go? I don't remember that.&quot; &quot;Oh, it goes like: ''[imitates static sounds]''&quot;
:'''The Nerd''': The game has no sound... This is a unique specimen, not because it doesn't have sound, but because it outputs white noise, so technically, it does have sound, but it's fucking static! This kind of shit is the reason the Mute button was invented. Yeah, so turn the sound off, put on some Witchfinder General, and while you're at it, put on a different fucking game!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So, this concludes this marathon of crap, 12 shitty relics from the ass of the past. Hope you enjoyed it. Enjoyed in a strange way, I guess. You know, why do we focus on the bad memories? Why are we sentimental over the crappy past? I don't know, but I do know that the things of yesterday that were worthless, you all found some way to give them worth. You've done this, I've done this, we've all found ways to just make the best of things I guess. Maybe you're having a good holiday season, or a bad one, or an indifferent one, whatever the case I just want to bring you some joy. I hope you got a laugh, or even just a chuckle, uh, because it's that time of year, where everybody... make happy. Be a comedian. With all sincerity, have a Merry Christmas, happy holidays in general, and I'll see ya in 2015. Get ready for those [[Back to the Future Part II|self-lacing shoes, hoverboards and flying cars!]]

== Season Nine ==

=== [[w:Hong Kong 97 (video game)|Hong Kong 97]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': I've been called upon to take care of business once again. Apparently, there was a game worse than [[w:Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing|Big Rigs]]. Worse than [[w:Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (video game)|Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde]]. Worse than ''CrazyBus'' or ''Desert Bus!'' It was known as Hong Kong 97, and I've been getting requests for it up the ass. The requests are so far up the ass, it's time to shit 'em out! The game was made for the Super Famicom in Japan. But never saw its way to the rest of the world. This is one title that we definitely didn't get on the [[w:Super Nintendo Entertainment System|Super Nintendo]]. It was made by HappySoft. HappySoft was most famous for making... Hong Kong 97, their one and only &quot;masterpiece.&quot; (scene switches to an animated scene of HappySoft, rising from a fiery pit, shitting out Hong Kong 97) On this one occasion, they rose from the depths of Hell, excreted this unholy turd onto the Earth, and then descended back to where they came. (scene cuts back to real life) Supposedly, the game was so horrible, it barely even came on the Super Famicom at all. Stores rejected it and its release status is a mystery. It's so rare that to this day, not a single cartridge or physical copy has shown up at all. I can't even find a picture of one. So the only way I can experience this game... is the same way as the rest of the Internet.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': [upon seeing the word &quot;fuckin'&quot; in the game's intro story] This can't be real. No. No. Somebody's pulling my leg! &quot;A herd of fucking ugly reds&quot;? Was 'a herd of ugly reds' too weak? Did they really need the F word to FUCKIN' drive home the FUCKIN' point? 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': One hit, and the game's over. Why would I expect anything more? ''[Sees the game over screen, a picture of what appears to be a real corpse, accompanied by the text &quot;Chin IS DEAD!!&quot;]'' No... oh, please! I hope that's not a real dead body. No, there's no way they'd have such bad taste! That's gotta be an actor. Or... we're looking at some guy who died on that date and time in 1992. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': The strange thing is that Deng Xiaoping actually died in 1997. The game...predicted the future. In fact, 1997 was the year the United Kingdom returned the rule of Hong Kong back to China. The movie, from '94, forecast this in the tagline: &quot;99 years of British rule are about to come to an end. Hong Kong will never be the same.&quot; The movie stars Robert Patrick, the T-1000 from Terminator 2: Judgment Day, and Judgment Day takes place...in 1997. Part of Deng Xiaoping's ear is sort of cut off, like when Mike Tyson bit off a piece of Evander Holyfield's ear in 1997. The car, I'm willing to bet, is a Mercedes-Benz, in which Princess Diana died in '97. And what was the year Coca-Cola launched Surge? '97. And it's no coincidence all my surge protectors were made in China. Rebooting the entire game after you die? Just like Symphony of the Night. '97. Jackie Chan, uh, Rumble in the Bronx, uh, the Bronx, New York City, the Big Apple... [gasps] The year Steve Jobs returned to Apple in '97. The unstoppable, unrelenting song is called I love Beijing Tiananmen, also known as I love Peking Tiananmen. Peking Duck is a famous duck dish from Beijing. [gasps] And Scrooge McDuck had his 50th Anniversary in '97! The game was such a titanic failure. [gasps] Titanic, the movie from '97! Why was this game's sole purpose to direct us to the number 97? Huh. Like the NGC-97 galaxy in the constellation of Andromeda, the princess Andromeda who was chained naked to a rock to be sacrificed to a monster. Like Princess Leia and Jabba in Return of the Jedi. [gasps] The Special Edition of Star Wars in '97! Ah, fuck, we're back again. Man, I'm just trying to get a final answer here, but I went full circle. Like the song that keeps looping. A game that keeps repeating. Maybe it's all about a cycle. An endless cycle. Old, shitty games that become new again. The past becomes the future, birth and death, on and on, it's the cycle of life. The game is the meaning of life! And the thing that keeps life going; Reproduction...and food...which becomes shit. The game is fuckin' shit. There.

=== [[w:Darkwing Duck (TurboGrafx-16)|Darkwing Duck]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''[searching for a game to review that would supposedly give enough material]'' I got it, ''[[w:Mad Max (1990 video game)|Mad Max]]''! It was made by [[w:Mindscape|Mindscape]], proving that not '''''EVERY''''' NES movie-based game was made by LJN. See - LJN was like a cat, and the NES library was its litter box. When the litter box gets too shitty... the cat shits somewhere else. '''''Now''''' I'm on track.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[reviewing the aforementioned game]''  Well, ya drive around, ya run around shootin' people, ya drive, shoot, drive, shoot, buy stuff, drive and shoot. I '''''wish''''' it were LJN because they would've given me more to '''talk''' about!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Call me an explorer; I've been searching for the '''perfect''' shitty game. And I've seen just about '''''EVERYTHING''''' at this point! But ya know what? I'm gonna do something that I've never done yet. And that is to review a game, on... ''[turns his camera to the TurboGrafx-16]'' ...the TurboGrafx-16. '''''Holy shit.''''' ''[The TurboGrafx-16 floats out to the camera.]'' The TurboGrafx-16 was developed by Hudson Soft and NEC. Its original name in Japan was the PC Engine, which sounds like a computer on a train. No wonder they changed it. The games came on cards, which was unique. It was '''technically''' the first 16-bit console, made to compete with the NES, but it was soon trampled by two titans, the Sega Genesis and the Super Nintendo. Yeah, you were either asking your parents for the Genesis or the SNES. The TurboGrafx-16 was the one nobody ''gave'' a shit about. It didn't have as many third-party game developers workin' for it, but the benefit of that was that it meant less shitty games! The TurboGrafx library is less ''contaminated'' than the rest. That's why it's taken me so long to get to it. There's no '''major''' stinkers that stick out. But I might've found one. ''Darkwing Duck'', based on [[w:Darkwing Duck|the TV show]].  remember the show, but I'm not overly familiar with it, which is a fair spot to be in. I have no high expectations, or low expectations. By now, I've played some of the most '''''HORRIBLE GAMES''''' that are humanly possible to make: ''Plumbers Don't Wear Ties'', ''Big Rigs'', ''Hong Kong 97''; I think I've set the bar too high, or too low, depending which way ya look at it. So now, let's go into some more sensible territory; let's get serious. Or should I say... &quot;Let's get dangerous&quot;?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Great! The game just began and they tease ya with an item that you can't get! There's ''gotta'' be a way... Oh - I see, ya bounce on the skateboarding penguins' heads. ''[turns to the camera]'' How can I be so casual when I say &quot;skateboarding penguins&quot;?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': It's not like I ''have'' to get the D; I don't even know what it does! But it '''''pisses me off!''''' I feel like an ass! I can't let that go! I feel like I've been fooled! It's like a '''test''' from the game programmers! A challenge! Like, you put that D there, and '''''I'm gonna figure out how you intend I get to it!''''' ... I give up. There's a whole game ahead of me. Fuck the D; the D can '''''suck my dick!''''''''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': I've been playin' on &quot;Normal Mode&quot;. I'm changin' it to &quot;Easy&quot;. Huh. &quot;Easy&quot; and &quot;Normal&quot;. Should be called &quot;Hard&quot;, and '''''&quot;FUCKING BULLSHIT&quot;!'''''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Don't you think there'd be a reason why the window is broken? Doesn't it look like I can hop down there? ''(Darkwing jumps up to the cable)'' How 'bout hangin' on the power lines? Darkwing is actually reaching up as if he could grab on! But it never happens! It '''messes''' with your mind! It's a psychological sucker-front! A facade! It's the equivalent of an open door that ya can't go in!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So much shit comin' at me! '''''SO MUCH SHIT!''''' ''[The Nerd falls below the platform and into a different level. He is shocked.]'' What the fuck just happened? It's like you make one wrong step, '''''you go to the dungeon, BITCH!'''''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''':  You can't duck and shoot. Great. Well at least you can duck. You '''''ARE''''' a duck. I dunno what kinda fucked-up duck can't fuckin' duck

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd: ''' ''(As the Nerd waits for a correct time to jump, a safe falls on Darkwing's head, much to the Nerd's dismay. The camera cuts to him looking shocked by this. He then gets an angry look before opening his mouth.)'' ''(Screams angrily)'' '' '''FU.....!!!!''' '' ''(this is interwoven with multiple clips of the Nerd screaming; the final shot is an explosion)'' ''(angrily)'' '''If you stand still for TOO long, a safe drops on you! Like the game is saying, ''&quot;FUCK YOU!&quot;'' ''' '''&lt;nowiki/&gt;''' Might as well just be a giant middle finger. And it should be the only part of the game in 3D! Put on your 3D glasses! Get ready! Set! Fuck you, kids!

:'''The Nerd: '''This '''''could've''''' been a decent game. ''Darkwing Duck'' is '''''NOT''''' one of those concepts that's doomed from the start. The show had elements of action, crime-solving and humor. It's been done well before! ''(Footage of the NES version of &quot;Darkwing Duck&quot; is shown)'' There was an NES version which was basically like ''[[w:Mega Man (video game)|Mega Man]]'' but with a duck. It was made by [[w:Capcom|Capcom]], who of course made the ''Mega Man'' games, and ''DuckTales''. '''Those''' all turned out great, so what happened here? The control isn't just bad, it's '''''uniquely''''' bad. In an indescribable way.

:'''The Nerd: '''Every game with bad control has its own feel, its own identity. Making bad games is an artform. It's a delicate recipe. Some are worse than others. It might be a massive truck load of elephant shit, or, a pellet of bird poop. To explain '''''exactly''''' how bad it is, I've invented &quot;The Shit Scale&quot;.

:'''The Nerd: '''It begins with &quot;Games That Are Debatably Bad&quot;. '''Somewhat''' good games, with ''serious'' flaws. '''''Not''''' part of the turd crust, but well within smell range.

:'''The Nerd: '''Then you get to the &quot;High Level of Shit Contamination&quot;. Games that are ''possible'' to play, but nobody in their right mind would.

:'''The Nerd: '''Then ya get into the &quot;Very High&quot; category which encompasses the majority of LJN games. This is where you could still survive, but you'd come out traumatized... for life.

:'''The Nerd: '''Next is the &quot;Severe Zone&quot;. This is for masochists only. These are games that could kill a person. '''''STAY AWAY. Don't even think about it!'''''

:'''The Nerd: '''Then we have ''Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde''. Enough said.

:'''The Nerd: '''Finally, at the '''''EXTREME''''' end of the scale, &quot;'''MAJOR CODE RED'''&quot;; we have games that don't even '''''qualify''''' as games at all. They shouldn't even be '''on''' the scale! But they are. And that's so you know to beware. '''''NEVER''''' play them, '''''NEVER''''' talk about them.

:'''The Nerd: '''So where does ''Darkwing Duck'' fall on the scale? I'd say somewhere around... here. ''(&quot;Very High&quot; category)'' Of course that means there '''are''' games that are worse, but from what I've seen so far, ''Darkwing Duck'' is the '''''WORST''''' game on the TurboGrafx-16. Being the worst at something is quite an achievement. I'm the fuckin' Nerd, I'll see ya next time. ''(The Nerd throws the game and grunts angrily)'' '''Nnrgh!'''

=== [[w:Seaman (video game)|Seaman]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': So what do you do in this game? Well, the instructions say: &quot;You are free to enjoy Seaman-&quot; ''[slaps the instruction booklet against his forehead]'' '''AW, NO, NO, NO, NOOOOOOO!''' '''IT'S SEA-MAN! SEA...MAN!''' Not ''semen.'' ''[awkwardly pauses for 2 seconds]'' '''AS IN JIZZ! SPLOOGE! MAN BAZOOKA JUICE!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Yeah, you wanna look cool? Put a Sega Dreamcast on your wrist with a TV and a gas-powered electric generator! You'd be so awesome! Let's play this.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Leonard Nimoy''': Then take the egg from the storage matrix...
:'''The Nerd''': Yeah. When he says &quot;Matrix.&quot;, he sounds like Galvatron.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[The Nerd watches in horror as the Nautilus thrashes around, bleeding out]''
:'''The Nerd''': Agh! Ah, that's repulsive!
:''[several Seamen spawn (Gillmen) come flying out of the Nautilus' corpse]''
:'''The Nerd''': ...Whooooaaaa... 
:''[one Gillman swims right up to the screen]''
:'''The Nerd''': GAH! OH, MY GOD! AHHH, GET AWAY FROM ME YOU MYSTICAL ANCIENT PHARAOH MOTHERFUCKERS! Ah! I gotta do it! I gotta do it for Nimoy! ''(gives the Vulcan salute)'' '''''FOR NIMOY!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[to microphone]'' Hello.
:'''Seaman''':''[sarcastically]'' Yeah. Hello. Whatever.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[to microphone]'' I just wanna talk.
:'''Seaman''': ''[sarcastically]'' Blahh, blahh, blahh. Happy?
:'''The Nerd''': ''[to microphone, annoyed]'' Yo, fuck-face!
:'''Seaman''': Let's be sure and get my name right, skin puppet. You're a pain in the fuck.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[to microphone, angrily]'' Suck my cock.
:'''Seaman''': Hey, Seaman don't play that.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[to microphone]'' I'll... (What can I do?) I'll tickle you.
:'''Seaman''': Are you coming on to me?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[to microphone]'' Talk, talk. Speak, speak.
:'''Seaman''': Bite me.
:''[the Gillman flings a viscous substance at the screen]''
:'''The Nerd''': Did he just take a fuck? 'HE JUST FLUNG FUCK AT ME!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Whoa. That's deep, man. But it's bullfuck! The game demands I play by its schedule. So, what am I gonna do to pass the time? Well, I guess I'll play this Famicom Disk game, which roughly translates to &quot;Explosive Fighter Patton&quot;. Why? Because people told me so; they keep feeding me this shit. Let's check it out. ''[inserts the disk. The screen says: &quot;TURN TO SIDE-B AND INSERT TO FUCKING BOX!&quot;.]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[stunned]'' No. No way! It's an official Famicom disk game that says the F-word! And this was in the 80s; this was before Hong Kong 97! '''''IT'S AN OFFICIALLY RELEASED GAME ON A NINTENDO CONSOLE...THAT SAYS &quot;FUCK&quot;! OH, MY GOD, MY LIFE IS COMPLETE! IT SAYS FUCK!''''' ''[shouting]'' '''''IT SAYS FU....'''''
:''[brief montage indicating the passage of time]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[continues shouting]'' O-oh, I forgot about Seaman! ''[turns Dreamcast back on]''
:'''Leonard Nimoy''': I regret to inform you that Seaman has passed away...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Seaman''': Hey, guess what we're doing over here!
:''[two Gillmen are interconnected; the Nerd is shocked]''
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, no, no, no-no-no, please, please! The Seamen are mating. And they felt the need to announce it; to make it known! There they are; staring you right in the face! I didn't even know one that was female. They both have a male voice. That's not... logical.
:''[the top Gillman sinks to the tank floor]''
:'''The Nerd''': It dies? It got fucked to death?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Seaman''': In general, would you describe yourself as a confident person?
:'''The Nerd''': ''[confused]'' Am I confident in myself? Well--
:'''Seaman''': You don't have to be perfect to still be able to like yourself, so tell me.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[lying on the futon like a therapist couch]'' It all started with my pet albatross.
:'''Seaman''': The most important thing is that your dad knows how much he means to you.
:'''The Nerd''': I just feel like...nothing matters, you know?
:'''Seaman''': ''[each line interleaving with one another]'' If you manage to glimpse the world through each other's eyes, you have to keep up with technology. What will your future be like? It's a natural result of the world's economy becoming no reality independent of observation.
:'''The Nerd''': I-I never thought of it that way.
:'''Seaman''': Human beings are the only animals smart enough to entertain itself in a complex way. ''[the Nerd nods in agreement]''

=== The Crow ===

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Nerd''': Look at this ugly, murky mess. I'm sure they were going for a dark, moody atmosphere and all that, but don't you think it's a little too dark? It's almost just a black screen with yellow and red pools of light. Looks like somebody bled and pissed all over the place, after smearing the camera lens with their shit after taking a bunch of Pepto Bismol.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
'''AVGN''': This game is worse than a Mischief Night prank! Mischief Night is throwing toilet paper all over someone's yard. This game is the equivalent of throwing toilet paper after you wiped your ass! It's as refreshing as a horse's anus! Fuck The Crow up its bird ass! And fuck you, you fuckin' clown-faced joker kiss makeup wearin' King Diamond Beetlejuice Alice Cooper Marilyn Manson motherfucker!!

=== [[w:Mortal Kombat Mythologies: Sub-Zero|Mortal Kombat Mythologies: Sub-Zero]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': C'mon, c'mon - oh, get the fuck outta my way - ''[a monk gets crushed by a moving pillar]'' AH-HA-HAH! YEAH! DID YOU SEE THAT?! I FUCKIN' SQUASHED THAT BITCH! ''[A pillar squashes Sub-Zero]'' FUUUUUUCCCCKKK!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Afterwards, you get a cutscene. This is where I should mention that the game was also on PlayStation. It's very similar, but the most noteworthy difference is that on the N64, the cutscenes are still images and text, but with the PlayStation version, since it was a CD-based console, it was able to have full motion video and audio.
:'''[[w:Scorpion (Mortal Kombat)|Scorpion]]''': I am Scorpion. You killed me in cold blood.
:'''The Nerd''': Um... Just stick to ''[[w:Mortal Kombat: Annihilation|Mortal Kombat: Annihilation]]''. 


== Season Ten ==

=== Mega Man Games ===
:'''The Nerd:''' ''[first lines]'' It's been 10 years since I first began broadcasting to you through the miracle of YouTube technology. And since then, I've been trying to keep up with the times. I've just finished upgrading my vinyl record collection to cassettes. And I got a new cell phone... ''[he holds up an old-style Motorola mobile phone]'' (Check it out.) ''[Nokia fanfare plays]'' ...and I finally got one of those new rectangular TVs. I've been reorganizing all my game consoles, new video switchers, working out all the bugs, new shelves, I can now get behind my game consoles to reach all the wires, and of course, the ability to play games in HD clarity. Yeah, hi-def. ''Yeah.'' Now let's play some 8-bits.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' BLAM! Shootin' shit, running around in your blue underwear! It doesn't get any better than this. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' ''Mega Man II'' is favored by many. It's considered to be one of the supreme examples of these types of side-scrolling action games. It's the one everybody knows. Just like another Capcom game, ''Street Fighter II,'' which revolutionized the tournament fighter genre. I guess you can say Capcom made the best number twos.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Explosions! Dialogue! '''EXPLOSIONS ''AND'' DIALOGUE, AT THE SAME TIME!''' ''[Shouting]'' '''''OH, MY GOD!!!'''''
:''[Explosions occur in the Nerd's room with some dialogue saying &quot;This is Hunter Base. Do you read me? Are you all right? Any damage?&quot; interrupting for a brief moment then explosions resume while the Nerd yells]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''2016 Nerd:''' Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. ''[points at R.O.B.]'' Why is that there?
:'''2007 Nerd:''' I don't know, it just sits there.
:'''2016 Nerd:''' Get rid of it.
:'''2007 Nerd:''' Why?
:'''2016 Nerd:''' You'll know by Episode 100.
:'''2007 Nerd:''' Uh, Episode-- ''[stutters]'' ''What?!''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''':  Look, I know this sounds weird, but I've sorta been time-traveling around through AVGN history.
:'''Back Nerd''': Yeah. That's weird. We've never seen anything weird before.
:'''2006 Nerd''': What's AVGN?
:'''Right Nerd''': ''[with an idiotic smile]'' Audio Video Graphic Network!
:'''Back Nerd:''' ''[sarcastically]'' A VaGiNa.
:''[2016 Nerd just facepalms in annoyance.]''
:'''2006 Nerd:''' So what time did you come from?
:'''2016 Nerd:''' From ten years into the future.
:'''2006 Nerd:''' That's nice. Could you have picked a more confusing time to show up?
:'''Left Nerd:''' ''[sarcastically]'' Not confusing at all. Time-traveling back into a dream, that happens all the time! '''''MAKES PERFECT FUCKING SENSE!'''''
:'''2006 Nerd:''' Relax.
:'''2016 Nerd:''' All right, now look, I could tell you that Freddy's around the corner and he's waiting to kill all you, ''[Freddy's shadow gets annoyed, gives the middle finger, and walks away]'' but I'm gonna show you how much worse things could get. ''[shows the PlayStation Disc]'' Here is [[w:Mega Man Legends (video game)|Mega Man Legends]], on PlayStation.
:'''2006 Nerd:''' PlayStation? We're the Angry ''Nintendo'' Nerd!
:'''2016 Nerd:''' THEN CHANGE THE FUCKING NAME! It's about time!
:'''Back Nerd:''' How about Angry Nintendo Commentator? 
:''[2016 Nerd facepalms]''
:'''Right Nerd:''' How about Retro Nostalgic Video Gaming Shit Seeker?
:'''2006 Nerd:''' How about [[w:Nostalgia Critic|Nostalgia Critic]]?
:'''2016 Nerd:''' ''[in disagreement, as if saying, &quot;That's not gonna happen.&quot;]'' Now ''that's'' fucking ''stupid.''
:'''Left Nerd:''' How about &quot;Angry ''Video Game'' Nerd&quot;?
:''[The Nerds agree on the name]''
:'''Right Nerd:''' Yeah, that's good.
:'''Middle Nerd:''' I agree with that.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Mega Man walks toward a magazine rack]''
:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;There're some dirty magazines on the racks...&quot;?
:''[The Nerds have shocked looks on their faces, and they start laughing]''
:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;It might be fun to look at--&quot;
:''[The Nerds all exclaim things such as '''&quot;WHAT?!&quot;''' and '''&quot;OH, MAN!&quot;''' and '''&quot;OH, MY GOD!&quot;''' and having various looks on their faces, ranging from disgusted to laughing.]''
:'''Left Nerd:''' '''''MEGA MAN'S LOOKING AT PORN!'''''
:'''2006 Nerd:''' My life is complete!
:'''Right Nerd:''' ''[laughing]'' ''Mega Man X.'' more like ''Mega Man '''XXX.'''''
:'''2016 Nerd:''' Well, anyway, this guy's gotta take a shit, so take out that Nightmare on Elm Street cartridge and empty your ass all over it.
:'''Back Nerd:''' ''[in embarrassment]'' I wish you would've said that earlier.
:''[The other Nerds smell, gag and hold their nose after knowing Back Nerd defecated his pants.]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''2004 Nerd:''' You didn't play ''Jekyll and Hyde'' again, did you?
:'''2016 Nerd:''' ''[beat, shakes his head]'' ...No! Never... Mm-mm. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': I'm back. It's yours truly, the fuckin' Nerd, here to play some more shitty games. Let's pop this fucker in here-- ''[The Nerd picks up an SNES cartridge and is shocked to see it is [[w:Mega Man Soccer|Mega Man Soccer]]. He puts the game in the SNES, turns it on, plays it and shudders in shock at the game play.]'' Wha--? W--? '''WHAT... WERE... THEY...&lt;big&gt;''THINKING?!?''&lt;/big&gt;''' ''[he runs, hurls himself out the window and screams.]''

=== [[w:Paperboy (video game)|Paperboy]] ===
:'''AVGN''': Extra! Extra! Paperboy goes mad! Here's some [[w:Classified advertising|assifieds]]! Here you go daily douchebag! 10% off your next purchase of &quot;FUCK YOU&quot;! Cloudy with a chance of fuck kicking! Dear Abby, make 'em eat fuck! Crosswords, can you spell cunt? Horoscopes, you will achieve greatness - in FUCK!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': Aiming the newspaper into the mailbox is like trying to slingshot a dingleberry from a playground roundabout that’s situated on a moving parade float aiming into a bottlecap that’s tied by a string to a Himalayan snow-cock! While drunk!

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:'''AVGN''': Then there's a tire that randomly comes rolling out from behind the house. Who's back there rolling tires? Get a life.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''AVGN''': The ''Grim Reaper'' is in town... That's a problem.

=== [[w:MTV's Beavis and Butt-Head|Beavis and Butt-Head]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''(belches)'' Yeah, that's how you critique it, you just say this sucks... yeah... uh... you know when you eat rump roast - are you like, eating a cow's butt? ''(burps)'' You know the word &quot;this&quot; is like &quot;shit&quot; spelled backwards? Or uh... maybe it isn't. Maybe I should like, uh... play another game, or something?

=== The Berenstain Bears ===
:'''Other Nerd''': These are the real Bad News Bears!

=== Sega Activator and Aura Interactor ===
:'''The Nerd''': Streets of Rage 2.
:'''Keith Apicary''': Yes! That's my autobiography.


== Season Eleven ==

=== Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers ===
:'''The Nerd:''' After that, you get this awkward driving stage where you rescue people.
:'''Voice in game:''' ''[exclaims]'' Over here! All right!
:'''The Nerd:''' ''[sarcastically]'' &quot;Love&quot; hearin' those voices over and over again.
:'''Voice in game:''' Over here! All right! Over here! All right!
:'''The Nerd:''' &quot;Over here!&quot; &quot;All right!&quot; &quot;Over here!&quot; &quot;All right!&quot; &quot;Over here!&quot; &quot;All right!&quot; '''''&quot;OVER HERE!!!&quot;''''' '''''&quot;ALL RIGHT!&quot;'''''

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:'''The Nerd:''' [Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie ''on Game Boy''] Take a look at the Rangers. Which one's your favorite? ''(shows the Rangers on the Game Boy's monochrome screen)'' The Dark Green, Dark Green, Dark Green, Dark Green, Dark Green, or Dark Green Ranger? Mine's the Dark Green Ranger.

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:'''The Nerd:''' This problem escalates when you get to the sand. Oh, God, the sand. Let me tell you about this. You have to punch and kick all this sand out of the way, and it's a race against time because there's a machine following close behind you. If it touches you, it's a one-hit death. You have to get rid of that sand as fast as humanly possible. You can't afford any wasted hits, which means you have to master the science behind this punch-kick phenomenon. The top square can only be taken out with the punch. The middle with a kick or a ducking punch. The bottom, only with a ducking kick. So not only do you have to know when it's going to be a punch or a kick, but you also have to know when to be standing or ducking. The only successful pattern I found is duck-stand-stand, duck-duck-stand. I can't even do it without saying it out loud. Duck-stand-stand, duck-duck-stand. Duck-stand-stand, duck-duck-stand. Fuck-shit-shit, fuck-fuck-shit! ''Fuck-shit-shit, fuck-fuck-shit! '''FUCK-SHIT-SHIT, FUCK-FUCK-SHIT!''''' ''(Ranger dies)'' '''''FUUUUCK!!!'''''

=== [[w:Sonic the Hedgehog (2006 video game)|Sonic '06]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': I mean, how bad could this po- it's gonna fuckin' suck, isn't it?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So far, this game has given me nothing but shit! '''The game is giving me shit!!!''' [''The Sonic 06 box game is literally trying to give the Nerd a piece of shit''] '''No! No! No!'''

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:'''The Nerd''': [''Talking about how the shopkeeper is only saying welcome''] Especially him. The only word on the screen is &quot;welcome&quot;, but his mouth is moving like crazy. What more could he possibly be saying?! [''The Nerd appears on screen and mimics the shopkeeper''] Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcomewelcomewelcome...

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': [''Commenting on another NPC''] Then there's this crack addict in an alley. [''The Nerd mimics the NPC''] Hey, hey, hey, did you see that, did you hear that? [''starts babbling unintelligibly''] Cra- Cra- crack, I need crack.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
[''Tails jumps over the rail and dies in water'']
:'''The Nerd''': Did Tails just kill himself?!!
[''Tails falls off the rail again and dies'']
:'''The Nerd''': He did!!
[''falls off the rail and dies again'']
:'''The Nerd''': [''appearing on the game screen''] He just couldn't take it... The game was that bad! ''(sighs and jumps into the water)''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''The Nerd''': [about the [[Free Willy|Free Willy]] poster] It looks like the kid is punching the whale! Who the hell could punch a killer whale so hard it becomes airborne?! You don't fuck with that kid!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': &quot;Cleared ACT Mission&quot;? What kind of terminology is that? That's like saying &quot;Cleared LEVEL Stage&quot;. This game is &quot;DICK Cock&quot;.

=== Planet of the Apes ===

:'''The Nerd:''' Well, it's one of those &quot;where the fuck do you go?&quot; kind of games...
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' '''''OH, THE ONLY PLANET THIS GAME CAME FROM IS URANUS! OH, THIS GAME IS A MADHOUSE! A MADHOUSE! OH, YOU DAMN DIRTY GAME DESIGNERS! YOU MANIACS! YOU FUCKED IT UP! DAMN YOU, DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!''''' Oh, that's it. I'm going back to Earth!

=== Game Boy Accessories ===

:'''The Nerd:''' This one, called the 'Handy Boy' was released by... STD? ''STD?!'' '''''WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD NAME THEIR GAME COMPANY &quot;STD&quot;?!'''''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(on Game Boy accessories)'' But then, to top it off, the grand finale. I'm not even emotionally ready to tell you about this, so just sit back, here it is. ''The PediSedate.'' This thing was intended for hospitals, to help children relax when they're about to be put under for surgery or a medical procedure. Essentially, it's a pair of headphones that you plug into the Game Boy. You could probably plug it into any portable gaming console, but more importantly, it has a cup that goes over the child's mouth, and releases the sleep gas, or laughing gas, or whatever it is they need. So, it's the only gaming peripheral I know of that ''gasses you!'' Imagine being sedated while playing fuckin' ''[[w:Dr. Mario|Dr. Mario]]''! What would that be like? Oh, my God! I was gonna make up a bunch of fake shit at the end, like the ''Game Boy Dog Turd Collector.'' But nothing I can make up can top ''this!'' And this thing was rea-I mean, it didn't get released, but it was invented and patented. The Game Boy must have been the most multi-purposed thing in existence! Astronauts actually took it into space! It could withstand bomb blasts, you could take photos, print, sew, find fish, ''get sedated! I wanna be sedated with a Game Boy!!'' '''I WANNA BE SEDATED WITH A GAAAME BOOOY!!'''! [[w:I Wanna Be Sedated|BAM BAM BAMBAM BAMBAM BAM B-B-]] '''''I WANNA BE SEDATED WITH A GAAAAAME BOOOOOY!!!!!'''''

=== Treasure Master ===
:'''The Nerd''': It's a really smart idea to be wearing radioactive fucking SHOES!! Seriously...is Skooter that fucking RAD that he doesn't care about RAD-iation poisoning?

=== Wrestling Games ===
:'''The Nerd''': Trying to hit a guy here is like trying to hit a grain of sand with a tennis racket while Andre The Giant farts directly into your nostrils!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Wow. And how about the most annoying character select screen possible? I don't know who the fuck most of these guys are, and they have no names! Who are these people?? They just shout random slogans at me and move at about two frames per second. Whatever, I'll pick Ric Flair. And of course it controls like ass. The punches take almost a full-second delay! And seriously, why does everyone walk around like there's shit caked up their ass?! Fuck this piece of shit! I'm done! (Takes the game out of the Super Nintendo]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Let me tell you something, brother! This game is the worst there is, the worst there was, and the worst there ever will be! Woo! It's a limousine-fucking, jet plane-sucking, diarrhea-drinking, asshole-stinking Hell-on-Earth in a cartridge, and I'm gonna open up a whole can of whoop-ass on it! And that's the bottom line because the fucking Nerd said so!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Seriously, why couldn't they give all the WWF games to Capcom instead of giving six of them to one of the worst video game companies in existence? Oh, and did I mention the toy line? LJN made the toys, too, and those fucking sucked also! Ugh! What were they thinking? Man, if LJN stood for Laughing Joking Numbnuts, then WWF must have stood for... Wisecracking Wiener Fuckfarts. ''[Actually, Nerd, WWF stood for &quot;World Wrestling Federation.&quot; Now it's WWE, which stands for &quot;World Wrestling Entertainment.&quot;] (gets knocked down by SNES cartridge with a steel chair and the audience angrily boos while the cartridge celebrates as if giving the audience a middle finger, and saying '''&quot;FUCK YOU!&quot;''')''

=== [[w:Polybius (urban legend)|Polybius]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''(after unsuccessfully trying to escape)'' The only way it'll let me go is if I show the game! ''(crying)'' I had to... I had no choice. I can't stand this anymore. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry just... [cries] Just don't look. Don't look, turn the video off right now! Once you see it, it's in you forever.
:''(The camera pans to floor as the Nerd walks toward the Polybius console and looks up at the screen, which shows a 3D-looking square tunnel and then a Tempest-like screen with other shapes. The screen flashes shapes randomly before the YouTube Video Unavailable screen appears. The face suddenly changes into the Nerd's face before the screen cuts to static.)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Todd Tuckey''': What's going on? Hello? ...Well, the camera's here. ''(picks up camera)'' Well, there's the game. ''(static interspersed with Todd screaming)''

=== Robocop NES Games ===

=== [[w:Sonic the Hedgehog (2006 video game)|Sonic '06 (Part 2)]] ===
:'''The Nerd:''' Seriously, the last thing I want to do after beating Sonic '06 is play more fuckin' Sonic '06! I'd rather rip every individual pube out of my scrotum with salad tongs than play this anymore!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[after he beats Sonic '06]'' Wow! Can't say I've seen that before. Well, Sonic '06, it's all done. Just to think, all the hours spent, all that time, all that torture, and now, it's all over?
:''[sultry jazz music plays as the Nerd glares at Sonic '06 with bedroom eyes. Whipping and laughter sounds as the scene cuts to the dungeon with Sonic '06 whipping the Nerd.]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[exclaims]'' Yeah! You like th-Ah! Ah! Yeah! Give it to me! ''[shouting]'' Ah! Yeah, yeah! ''[exclaims]'' Yeah, oh you like it when I give you those bedroom eyes! ''[shouts]'' Yeah! ''[exclaims and shouts]''

=== Charlie’s Angels (GameCube) ===
:'''Charlie''': Good morning, Nerd.
:'''The Nerd''': Who said that?
:'''Charlie''': Down here, Nerd.
:'''The Nerd''': The fuck is that thing?
:'''Charlie''': It's me, Charlie. I've come to help you with your game decision. I've got one in mind I think you'll like.
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, yeah, yeah, that's just what I need. Thank you. Thank you very much. How about you just get the hell out of here before I smash your circuits all over the floor?
:'''Charlie''': Why don't you take a look at the game first?
:'''The Nerd''': Oh yeah. ''Charlie's Angels: the Movie'' the game. I heard that one's some grade-A ass!
:'''Charlie''': Indeed it is, Nerd, but you'll only find out if you play. Now play it.
:'''The Nerd''': Okay. All right, so somebody comes and makes me play a game. Freddy, Jason, Bugs Bunny, a speaker phone? I mean, this is an all-time low. ''We're reachin' here!'' And you know where. What do you think I do all day? Just sit around and play shitty games?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' It's finally happened. For years I've been calling games ass. But here is a game ''that's literally'' ''ASS!''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Charlie:''' I'm really sorry Nerd. I thought you would've loved a game that was ass.
:'''The Nerd:''' And why would I love that?
:'''Charlie:''' Because... you're a pieceashit!

=== Star Wars: Masters of Teras Kasi ===
''[The Nerd is looking through a 'Star Wars' encyclopedia]''
:'''The Nerd:''' What? ''JIZZ!?'' 'A popular style of freeform, wailing music' Jizz! Yeah, there is 'jizz' in this book. ''(flips to another page)'' Jizz-wailer!? 'A musician who plays a fast, contemporary, and upbeat style of music.' Jizz-wailer! It's in Star Wars!

=== Lightspan Adventures ===
:'''The Nerd:''' Let's learn some motherfucking math! ''On the move!''

== Season Twelve ==
=== [[w:EarthBound|EarthBound]] ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''[on the game's oversized box]'' Your ''MOM'' has an oversized box!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''(Following the montage of interruptions by the Photo Guy)''
:'''The Nerd''': ''LEAVE ME ALONE! LET ME PLAY THE GAME!''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mr. Rigs''': That's right, Nerd! Don't take shit from nobody! Only give shits and while you're at it, get some clothes that fit.
:'''The Nerd's Shit''': Yes, it's a little on the baggy side.
:'''The Nerd''': Hey! I don't need any advice from you or the shit talking shit.

=== Dirty Harry ===
:'''The Nerd''': While the movie was ''Dirty'' Harry, the game... was just straight-up ''filthy''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': (''at the title screen'') It opens with the classic line from ''Sudden Impact''.
:'''Harry Callahan''': ''Go ahead. Make my day''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': This game is yet another one of those &quot;Where the fuck do I go?&quot; kind of games. I ran around for 20 minutes like a chicken with its head cut off and barely accomplished anything.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': I know what you're thinking, did he fire six shots or only five? Well to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I... kind of lost track myself. But being this is a Konami Justifier, the most powerful light gun in the world, it would blow your label clean off. You gotta ask yourself one question. Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya? Punk?

=== [[w:Drake of the 99 Dragons|Drake of the 99 Dragons]] ===

:'''The Nerd:''' ''(meditating to ethnic music)'' ... Oh, hey. I've just been meditating to summon the power of the Chosen One to give me the patience and the courage... to play today's game.
:'''The Nerd:''' This game is what you get if somebody ate every badass dual-pistol wielding, trench coat-wearing late '90s action movie cliché, then barfed it out, ate the barf, and then dumped their ass into a piss-and-shit-stained bus station toilet, and then they took that rancid concoction, and somehow printed Xbox discs made out of it! 99 Dragons, made out of 99 percent bullshit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': But ooh boy, let me tell ya, I haven't even started playing yet, so let's pick up the Duke here, this big-ass ''tank'' fuckin' controller, and let's get started. 'cuz it's gonna get fucked...
:'''The Nerd:''' I understand the game was developed under a very short time, but somebody had to pop this in at least ONCE and say; &quot;This controls like ass.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(on the cutscenes)'' Oh, and the lips barely move, so I can never tell if they're actually talking, or it's some kind of inner monologue. ''(As he speaks, the Nerd's mouth is intentionally out of sync with his voice, parodying this.)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''(After having died, the Nerd spawns in a temple, where he has to wait for ten seconds before restarting.)''
:'''Statue:''' &quot;There's no cure for stupidity beyond death.&quot;
:'''The Nerd:''' Yeah, well, fuck you too, you fuckin' statues!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(waiting for a platform to take Drake to the top of a building)'' O-oh, come on! I could build a sculpture of a horse takin' a shit, out of horse shit, in the time it takes to get up there!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' This is where the problems in the game REALLY mount up, and it just... builds inside you with all this RAGE, and you become... just BOILING SO FUCKIN' HOT! It's not like you're in Hell; you've '''become''' Hell! Bad people die, and they go into '''you!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' ''(fighting a boss)'' And before I know it, I'm dead! What the fuuucck?!
:'''The Nerd:''' So you defeat the boss, you rescue your master, and now you gotta go down into the subway, and... ''(gets hit by a train and dies)'' '''HAAAAAAAAAAGHHH!!!''' ''WHAT THE FUCK?!'' Thi-I-I-I-I can't fuckin' stand this. I-I would cheat, but, they didn't even program cheat codes! But how could they, if they can't even program a ''fuckin'' game?! ''(stammers and briefly meditates)''

=== ''Tomb Raider'' Games ===
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, and have you ever noticed the Angelina Jolie ''Tomb Raider'' movies aren't called ''Tomb Raider?'' They're officially called ''Lara Croft: Tomb Raider'' and ''Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life.'' What a mouthful. Did they just read the movie poster out loud? Might be why it took 15 years to get another feature film, which was simply called, ''Tomb Raider,'' unless the real title was supposed to be: ''Alicia Vikander is Lara Croft Tomb Raider March 16th Experience It In IMAX.'' But that's probably too much for a theater marquee, right?

=== Resident Evil Survivor ===
:'''The Nerd:''' This game is kicking the PlayStation while it's already down. Mainly in the balls.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:(''after the Nerd appears in the intro to the original'' Resident Evil)
:'''The Nerd''': You see that shit!? Well, I guess I gotta explain. The Umbrella Corporation, they moved in next door, set up a secret lab, and now there's monsters and stuff, and I dunno what to do! Well, I guess I'll pop in the disc, play some ''Resident Evil: Survivor'', have a pint, and wait for all of this to blow over.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': So this guy's seen hangin' from a helicopter, he falls off and the copter crashes. Then that same helicopter shits another guy out. Seriously, look at this! The helicopter's on fire, and this dude just shoots out like a turd with an explosive fart behind it!

=== Super Hydlide and Virtual Hydlide ===
:'''The Nerd''': Eight years ago, I played the first ''Hydlide''. Since then, I've gotten a lot of requests to review the other Hydlide games. The other ''Hydlide'' games? Because the first one was so good, you've gotta have more, no, sequels to games that already sucked Donkey Kong dong, that I can't stand! I can't stand the sound of it! Hydlide! ''HYDLIDE!'' (''vomits both sequels'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Imagine living in this world: you're late for work, so you skip breakfast, and then two hours later, you're in the middle of a meeting, and ya drop fuckin' DEAD in front all your coworkers! Nothin' left but a withered husk. Tragic.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': &quot;It does seem fitting to construe carelessly made shoddy goods as bullshit, but in what way? Is the resemblance that bullshit,  itself, is invariably produced in a careless or self-indulgent manner that is never finely crafted? The word 'shit' does suggest this. Excrement is not designed or crafted at all. It is merely emitted (or dumped).&quot; So, while the game did not actually come out of somebody's asshole, it sure CAME OUT in the same manner!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Thankfully, Virtual Hydlide is over. The credits play, and ya get the List of Shame, set to some shitty stock JPEGs of the countryside. You wasted precious hours of your life, to give yourself eyestrain and motion sickness, and all you get is a fucking &quot;Congratulations!&quot; screen. Well, at least they spelled it right. Anyway, ''Virtual Hydlide'' is literally &quot;Bullshit&quot;. Oh, that's right; where'd I throw the book? Ah, well... whatever. I don't have anything planned anyway, so... (''scrolls up like a cel sheet, revealing a &quot;Conglaturation!!!&quot; message'')

=== Amiga CD³²™ ===
:'''The Nerd''': ''[unable to play the CD³²]'' Oh, that's perfect. I have to hold the disc hatch down just to get the game to spin. What, did I really expect this thing to work? I don't even want to play this piece of fuck to begin with, let alone one-handed, holding the thing down to get it to function.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing'' Dangerous Streets] Right off the bat, this is possibly the worst group of fighting game characters I've ever seen. Lookin' back at ''Street Fighter'' and ''Mortal Kombat'', each game had a group of memorable characters, like: Ryu, Guile, Scorpion, Liu Kang! This game has Futuristic Tommy Wiseau, Asscheek Lady, Spring Shoe Guy, Fat Guy with His Pants Undone, and a Native American guy '''TAKIN' A SHIT!''' And, there's this guy who was &quot;born in Pennsylvania&quot;... which just confuses the shit outta me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing'' Gloom] You collect bouncing balls for guns, and baby bottles for health! What is this, like a ''spoof?!'' Like ''PO'ed''? Yeah, the game where you're shooting butts! But, that was done on purpose, as a ''parody! ''This one, '''it's just a fuckin' watered-down piece of shit'' Doom ''knockoff!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[playing'' Bubba 'n Stix] The gameplay is kinda like a puzzle platformer, where you have to use Stix to get past obstacles, like using him to pry this rock up, or sticking him into the wall to use as a platform. This part right here is pretty funny. You have to get close to these weird guys without interrupting their conversation, and then throw Stix, the character, at them. The graphics are really nice, too. It's cartoony and colorful, but not like the rainbow vomit from ''Oscar''. This is actually a good game. At least, until I get to the second level and I can't figure out what to do. And, I don't have the time to figure it out, so...oh, well, I guess we gotta move on. But, I can give this one the Nerd stamp of not shit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''James D. Rolfe''': ''[receiving a call from the Nerd about a scene from the ''Surf Ninjas'' game]'' This is Cinemassacre Video, where selection is the name of the game. This is James speaking. How may I help you?
:'''The Nerd''': Yeah, okay, I just wanna ask you a quick question.
:'''James D. Rolfe''': Sure thing. Go right ahead.
:'''The Nerd''': Have you ever watched the movie, ''Surf Ninjas?''
:'''James D. Rolfe''': Yeah. In fact, I just had a chat with a bunch of friends all about that. Did you know that the costume designer was the same in ''Street Fighter: The Movie?'' That would explain all the blue camouflage--
:'''The Nerd''': Okay, okay. Look-look-look-look. I just wanna ask a fucking question. In the movie, ''Surf Ninjas,'' does anybody rip someone's heart out, Kano-style?
:'''James D. Rolfe''': Um... no, I don't think that happened in the movie.
:'''The Nerd''': ''[hangs up abruptly]'' See? I knew it.
:'''James D. Rolfe''': Hello? ''Hello?'' ''[sighs and hangs up phone; annoyed]'' Wow. What an asshole.

=== The Town With No Name ===
:'''The Nerd:''' ''[after he beats The Town With No Name]'' Well, that's it. And the good news is I never have to play the Amiga CD³² ever again, and just to make sure this time, I'm sending this thing back to the depths of Hell!
:''[Nerd picks up the SNES Super Scope and Sega Menacer, and starts firing on the Amiga CD³² like crazy, then he puts them down and starts firing hadoukens etc.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' You know what? Fuck this digital shit. Because, this thing needs to be destroyed for real. I'm not jokin' around; I'm goin' practical. I'm gonna do the real fuckin' deal. 
:''[in the backyard, The Nerd puts the soon-to-be-dead Amiga CD³² on the table, brings a Boring Company flamethrower and fires at the console]''
:'''The Nerd:'''  '''''HOW'S THAT FOR PRACTICAL?!''''' ''[the battery inside the Amiga CD³² explodes]'' '''''YEAH! BURN, BABY, BURN! YEEEAAAHHHH!!!''''' ''[Amiga CD³² melts down slowly]'' '''''WHEW, BOY! YE-HE-HE-HE-HEAAAH!!!'''''

=== Home Alone ===
:'''The Nerd''': (''looking down at a box of pizza delivered by Macaulay Culkin as a pizza delivery boy'') What's this?
:'''Pizza Boy''': A lovely cheese pizza; just for you.
:'''The Nerd''': You got the wrong house; I didn't order any pizza. But I'll take it anyway.
:(''He opens the pizza box to find'' Home Alone ''games on different consoles''.)
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, not funny.
:'''Pizza Boy''': Think of it as a gift; you owe it to yourself to play those games. I hear they're awesome.
:'''The Nerd''': No, they're not! Besides... I already reviewed both NES games: that first one where you're laying traps around the house that are enclosed in square tiles for no reason, where you're walkin' up the stairs like you took a dump, and that second one where you're running through the hotel, slidin' on your knees, fighting mops, vacuum cleaners and suitcases, and a chef that takes off his clothes. I'm already done with that, so get this shit out of here! And you better believe I'm leavin' a bad Yelp review.
:'''Pizza Boy''': That's just the NES versions; maybe the rest of them are better. I mean, look at how many of them there are, I mean, they can't all be bad... can they?
:'''The Nerd''': I admit I haven't played the rest. Have you?
:'''Pizza Boy''': No, but they all have Macaulay Culkin in them. I mean, how could you go wrong?
:'''The Nerd''': Well, maybe if they're not as bad as the NES games...
:'''Pizza Boy''': Come on. Everyone in the world shits on these games, and maybe you could change the world's mind. I mean, come on.
:'''The Nerd''': Okay, fine! But you're not going anywhere! You're gonna sit right here and suffer with me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': (''covering the PS2'' Home Alone ''game'') The biggest anomaly of the group is definitely the PS2 version. It was only released in Europe in 2006. Yeah, a while after the movie!
:'''Pizza Boy''': Yeah, but that movie is just timeless.
:'''The Nerd''': It is, but this game, by all known laws of physics in the universe, has no right to exist! The mere idea would baffle the greatest scientific minds of our time. ''(holding the case)'' Besides, the style is completely different: it doesn't look anything like the movies, looks nothing like Macaulay Culkin, I don't even know why we're talking about it, so let's just pretend it doesn't exist.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': (''playing the SNES'' Home Alone ''game'') The object of is to run around the house, collecting valuable items to hide from the criminals. You can only hold a certain amount. When your hands are full, you have to drop them down a laundry chute which leads into a giant vault in the basement! Or Goro's lair, or whatever the hell this is.
:'''Pizza Boy''': Look, I know the movie was a long time ago and stuff, but I don't remember Kevin gathering together... candlesticks, money bags and giant emerald rings, and then, throwing them down a laundry chute? But what do I know?
:'''The Nerd''': The items are found in the most random places, (''sees Kevin fish a whole pizza out of a toilet'') like in a... toilet?! Wh-- I found an entire goddamn pizza! In a toilet!
:'''Pizza Boy''': (disgusted) Kevin would never grab anything out of a toilet...
:'''The Nerd''': (equally disgusted) Augh! Yeah, not even a pizza. I'm sure of it.
:'''Pizza Boy''': Yeah... Yeah... I mean, maybe I would have. You know, back in my... heady days.
:'''The Nerd''': You would have grabbed something out of a toilet?
:'''Pizza Boy''': Yeah.
:'''The Nerd''': Pizza?
:'''Pizza Boy''': You've never had toilet pizza?
:'''The Nerd''': Yeah.
:'''Pizza Boy''': Yeah.
:'''The Nerd''': Pizza shit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Pizza Boy''': Did they really think I grew up in a house where giant frogs roam free in the hall? &quot;Yeah, we just had those suckers hoppin' all around, all the time! Mr. Frog House!&quot; I've never had to collect 35 pets, drop them down a laundry chute, and into a bank vault! Are you fucking kidding me?! What kind of asshole does this game think I am?! I can't believe they'd get away with this... I mean... you go to the store and... you see your face on a cartridge, and go like &quot;I wanna play with myself, all day long!&quot;Every kid deserves a video game based on themselves, am I right?  But no. No, they shat on me! They shat on my legacy! (''begins crying'') What am I gonna do?!
:'''The Nerd''': Wait a minute... You're not a real pizza boy! (''rips of name tag'') You're... M-- M-- Maculkin! I'm playin' ''Home Alone'' games... ...with Macaulay Culkin!!! (''screams a la Kevin'')
:'''Culkin''': Really? Really... Never seen that before. That's-- that's new. Can we just get back to the fucking games?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Culkin''': (''playing the SNES'' Home Alone 2 ''game'') Why is the entire hotel trying to kill me? I mean-- they have a bunch of fuckin' bombs behind the check-in desks! I mean, do they hate their child customers so much that they have to lob lobby bombs at them? And yes, that was pretty hard to say!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Culkin''': (''while battling Harry and Marv at the tree'') Y'know, once I had to fight a demonic tree... It was terrible... I don't know how the game developers found that out.
:'''The Nerd''': &quot;Demonic evil tree&quot;? They-- They exist? And this... this happened to you? Do you remember, like, what... ...um, how did it... happen? Li-- what...
:'''Culkin''': It was a long time ago.
:'''The Nerd''': I know, I know, it's--
:'''Culkin''': DON'T TOUCH ME!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': (''playing'' Home Alone 2 ''for Genesis'') Well, this is off to a frustrating start. Why is everyone in the entire airport tryna kill you? What did Kevin do to instigate all this?
:'''Culkin''': I mean, maybe because they had me pelting innocent businessmen with baseballs? &quot;Here comes Kevin McAllister; he gives 'em a big ol' concussion with a fuckin' baseball!&quot; Right to the dome, look at that! Bam! I'm shooting a poor balloon salesman... and stealing his balloons to get past the TSA. They're making me a fuggin' asshole!
:'''The Nerd''': At least you get to see Kevin take out airport security with a water fountain. And then they all just fall through the floor, while Kevin looks at you like, &quot;What the fuck?&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Culkin''': This game is like... poop! From a... a buffalo butt!
:'''The Nerd''': Diarrhea, it's gotta be diarrhea! Just go for it!
:'''Culkin''': Okay! I got it...! I would rather do a human centipede with the Wet Bandits! Marv in my mouth, HARRY IN MY ASS! I'll turn them into the Sticky Bandits!
:'''The Nerd''': (disgusted) Augh, dude! Augh!
:'''Culkin''': No, think about it. Think about it. Close your eyes.
:'''The Nerd''': Naw, I-- No I don't....
:'''Culkin''': No....
:'''The Nerd''': And that's from the web series that brought you &quot;Shredder's my ass and Splinter's my balls!&quot;

== Season Thirteen ==

=== Chronologically Confused about Kingdom Hearts Timeline ===

=== Video Game Magazines ===

=== Aladdin Deck Enhancer (NES) ===
:'''The Nerd''': Aladdin took an upper-decker in my toilet!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': (after he plays the same Micro Machines game, he sighs) The games are exactly the same. There's no difference! The deck enhancer is an add-on that adds nothing! They sold you the same games with some assembly required. It'll be like getting a new sprayer for your garden hose, but it doesn't fit, unless you get some special adapter. So you buy the adapter, but the sprayer still doesn't fit. So now, you have to find a completely different sprayer that only exists in special stores, and then you find out it works the same as the old sprayer, doing a no better job washing away the horseshit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': That box is a prime example of false advertising. Upgrade your Ninfuckingtendo Entertainment System? More like UPPER DECKING IT! And that's not a joke. I mean it. It is the electronic equivalent of an upper-decker. With the Aladdin, the components that normally go inside an NES cartridge are instead deposited into the deck. In the same way, the turds, which are usually preferred to land in the toilet bowl, are instead dumped into the upper tank. Therefore when the toilet is flushed, the bowl fills with shit water, and after that, it's the shit that keeps on giving. Would you consider that an enhancement to your toilet? Well, give it a try, and you'll know EXACTLY what the Aladdin does to your NES! Why does the box say &quot;Aladdin is the future in console gameplay&quot;? The Sega Genesis and Super Nintendo were already out! That's like saying you invented a brand new car that's got new safety features, and uses clean energy, but it's got pillows tied to it and it runs on coal! This thing had no future at all! All the &quot;Coming Soon&quot; games were cancelled, and Camerica went out of business right after this thing was... released? (He weakenly laughs, then he shouts) They went out of business right after it was ANNOUNCED! (He stammers, then he picks up the box and gets hit by the instructions) I—it was a death sentence! A curse! A curse that shrouds its release status in all-consuming mystery! Not even the Gaming Historian found any clear proof that it ever got officially released. I mean, sure, it got made an—and discovered thanks to inventory liquidators and eBay, bu—but if this thing never officially came out, then not only did it not have any future... it didn't have any past, either! How am I supposed to take you back to the past, when there's no fucking past?! I have no business complaining about something that didn't even come out! I wasted my breath! Why did I have to find this thing?! Aahh, I might as well just be diggin' into the Devil's asshole! Fuck!
:''(The Genie appears filled with sewage from a septic tank that previously came from the Nerd's second wish.)''
:'''The Genie''': Hey, I'm back.
:'''The Nerd''': What are you doing back here?
:'''The Genie''': Look, man, I'm just here to grant your last wish so I can get out of here.
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, yeah, that's right. I get one more wish. Okay, well, for my last wish... I wish... you know, I think we've both suffered enough. Yeah, so... I wish... every Aladdin Deck Enhancer, on the whole planet Earth... will fucking explode.
:'''The Genie''': You got it, dude! Smell ya later!

=== Pepsiman (PS1) ===
:'''The Nerd''': (''given the PS1'' Pepsiman ''game'')  Well thanks Pepsiman, that's very interesting. But i have other junk food games like I could play, like ''Cool Spot''. (''Cool Spot'' is turned into ''Pepsiman'') Oh, come on! Oh well, I could always play ''Chester Cheetah''! (''Chester Cheetah'' is turned into ''Pepsiman'') Aw! Well how 'bout uh... ''Big Bumpin''? (Big Bumpin' ''is turned into'' Pepsiman) Aw, man... How 'bout uh... ''Kool-Aid Man''? (Kool-Aid Man ''is turned into'' Pepsiman) Goddammit, you silly fuck! I don't wanna play ''Pepsiman''! (''Pepsiman opens his mouth and hisses menacingly'') Okay, Jeez! I'll play ''Pepsiman''!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Mm-Mm, that's enough for me, this game's too monotonous! ''[Gets up to leave]''
:''[Pepsiman grabs the Nerd and forces him back onto the couch]''
:'''Pepsiman''': ''[Hisses angrily]''
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, dude, DUDE! Your breath! It smells like tooth decay! Here, have some Mentos! ''[Produces a packet of Mentos]''
:'''Pepsiman''': ''[Screams and retreats]''
:'''The Nerd''': Wow! Um... that worked Thanks to Mentos!
:''[Close-up of the Nerd with the Mentos logo]''
:'''Announcer''': Mentos! The Freshmaker!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': You know, Pepsiman is a rather sad tale. Pepsiman can make Pepsi for everybody... except himself.
:''[Pepsiman hangs his head sadly]''
:'''Singers''': ''[Pitched down]'' ''#PEPSIMAAAAN!#''

=== Superman 64 Returns!! ===
:'''The Nerd''': Oh, no! They move!! Why do they have to move?! Ooh, wow! Yeah, they really change it up!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': Well, this is the ugliest digital Superman face I've ever seen! ''[a shot of Superman's face from [[Justice League (2017 film)|Justice League]], which was digitally edited to remove Henry Cavill's moustache]'' Second-ugliest.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': You wanna know the worst thing about those ring levels? Right when you're getting the hang of it, the game will glitch, and send you flying across the map - for no goddamn motherFUCKING reason! So y'have to backtrack or restart.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': If you get too far away, a Shadow Guy will spawn in front of her. And I am so sick of saying &quot;Shadow Guy&quot;!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': [after a weak boss battle] Again?
''[cut to even more rings]''
:'''The Nerd''': ''[horrified]'' '''AGAIN?!''' ''[runs into the camera screaming]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': ''[after the final boss battle]'' Y'wanna know somethin' else that's a real kick in the ass? In recent years, a ROM of the game surfaced which was of the unreleased PlayStation version, and it actually looks... alright. The levels look unique, the bad guys look cooler, the controls... don't seem great, but it looks like they work! According to Tit-us, after all the changes they were forced to make for the Nintendo version, their license ran out and they couldn't release it. Instead we got this rancid anus tart of a game vomiting green rings in our face! ''[the antennae-gold cartridge of Superman 64 begins to zap the Superman eyes as the Nerd looks at it and dodges as he grunts and groans thoroughly. He takes out the N64 console and zaps heat vision, slowly heading for the good games.]'' '''''NO-O-O-O-O!!''''' Please, don't! Don't hurt the good, innocent games! ''[takes out the Superman 64 cartridge from the N64, barely saving the good games, and then he breaks the cartridge in plastic. He sighs and [[w:Man of Steel (film)|cries out in agony]].]''

=== Life of Black Tiger with Gilbert Gottfried ===
:'''Fred Fuchs''': WHO THE FUCK GOES THERE? WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?! ANSWER ME, TOUGH GUY, OR I'LL BLAST A HOLE IN YOU SO BIG I CAN STICK MY COCK IN IT! (getting wistful) And I don't wanna brag, but...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Fred Fuchs''': Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just a guy who built a computer in the jungle without electricity or internet. I'm not educated enough for the guy WHO TALKS ABOUT BUFFALO SHIT IN HIS BASEMENT!
:'''The Nerd''': ...I guess that's a good point.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Fred Fuchs''': You might wanna be a bit nicer about the game, considering the fact THAT I'M THE ONE WITH THE MOTHERFUCKING RIFLE!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd''': &quot;Survive 'till the fixed time&quot;... What, were you fucking stoned when you wrote this?
:'''Fred Fuchs''': Yes.
:'''The Nerd''': Thought so.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Fred Fuchs''': Sometimes, you just gotta run like Hell from your problems.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Fred Fuchs''': It's an artistic interpretation of jungle life, you uncultured swine! I'm a goddamn artist, and this is my masterpiece! Obviously, too artsy-fartsy for your plebeian palate!
:'''The Nerd''': Aren't you doused in urine?
:'''Fred Fuchs''': From head to toe.

=== Chex Quest ===
:'''The Nerd:''' I really need to go food shopping somewhere besides eBay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Seems the game developers enjoyed working on this, and adding their own flavor! To a game... about a cereal... with no flavor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' Yes, I'm sorry I didn't have more negative to say, I was really tryin' here, um... I know I haven't filled my curse quota for this episode, so... fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''The Nerd:''' &lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;BRUTAL CHEX!&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt; It's Chex... on steroids! &lt;em&gt;ILLEEEGAL&lt;/em&gt; steroids! Made from broken glass, rusty fuckin' nails, and whole grain rice. This cereal will start your day... if it doesn't end your life! Fortified with calcium from the bones of fallen angel wings! The only cereal eaten by both God &lt;em&gt;and&lt;/em&gt; Satan! It's a straight kick to your Muddy Buddies - and Brutal Chex turns your milk &lt;em&gt;RED, FROM YOUR OWN BLOOD&lt;/em&gt; POURING OUT OF YOUR &lt;em&gt;FUCKING SCREAMING MOOOOOOOUTH!&lt;/em&gt; (50 free hours of America Online included.)

=== [[w:Trespasser (video game)|Jurassic Park: Trespasser]] ===

=== [[w:The Immortal (video game)|The Immortal]] ===
:''[episode opens on magazine pages about The Immortal, along with the box and manual pages. Pan up, Nerd's hand slides the cartridge out of the shelf. He walks over to the floor, lifts the carpet to reveal a secret door, and opens it. The AVGN title card is shown, accompanied by the &quot;The Immortal&quot; title with blood splatter and malicious laughter.]''
:''[A dark dungeon, decorated with skulls and dangling chains. The Nerd appears, wrapped in a cloak and holding the cartridge.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Anguish. Lament. Oh, how hath ye been cursed if thou hath playeth a game as archaically, diarrhetically ''shit-holic'' as ''The Immortal'' on thy NES. Whence I came, my basement chamber above, where I desprayed such demeaning, failed electronic attempts at merriment, but when they're as loathly as thee, it is but I who has thus sworn to suffer as I descend deeper into the catacombs, a place where true shit goes to lie face-first down in smoldering decay; a place where sorrows exceed the souls, and vanquished beings meet their fate. Medieval torture, man; The head-crusher, the rack, the pendulum, the iron maiden, but none as dreadful as ''this.'' Behold.
:''[the game's demo is already playing on a small monitor. The Nerd walks over to it.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Reset, and here we go, the plight begins. Feast your eyes on this accursed nonsense. So, as soon as the game begins, it gives you a warning: &quot;It might be a good idea to move.&quot; Hmm. And it ''kills'' you. Right away, they pull something like ''that.'' At least, they warned you. But it might as well warn you the moment you put this game in, you're doomed... with life. So let's try it again. Into the next room. ''[3 seconds later]'' A-and look at that! They put that right there, right outside the door? Ohhh, one-hit death traps. That's real classy. Let's reset. Okay, here we go. Uh. So, this isometric angle definitely makes things a little difficult. When you're just moving the D-pad all over the place, it kind of just, you know, it's just a guessing game of which direction to push.
:And here we go, you fight the goblin, and it goes into this battle mode, and, to tell you the truth, in the dark ages of 8-bit entertainment, these graphics are a marvelous sight to laud. But, if thine playeth oneself, you shall hear upon cry the tears of despair and agony as thou realize thou caught in an eternal button-masher. Yeah, that's all you do; is just mash buttons. And the thing is, you have a fire attack. I mean, look at this, you can shoot fireballs, but that doesn't work against the goblins. But you talk to this guy here, and, um...yada-yada, forgive my haste. The important thing to know: he gave me a key. And then, I move on to the treasure chest, I use the key...to open the treasure, and I get...20 gold pieces. A bag of bait, and a sack of bad-smelling spores. Hmm. Well, we all know what ''this'' game's a bad-smelling sack of. So into the next room. Uh. As you can see, going diagonal is kinda tough. I'm gonna use the bait on this goblins. Let's just see what happens here. Do it? Yes, of course.
:''[the bait summons a worm that eats the character]''
:'''The Nerd:''' ''[shocked gasp]'' It ''kills'' you! Look, even the ''items'' kill you! ''Wow!'' Now that is a cheap shot. Alright, let's try again. Into the next room, and...dodge the fireballs-- I mean, not, the arrows...and whatever it throws your way. This game throws everything but the kitchen sink-- A-A-And look! Invisible pits?! Confound it all! Ohhh, I beg of you, have pity! Oh, wow, that's a good one. That's classic. Oh, boy. And the thing about this game is the familiar premise of controlling a wizard navigating through a labyrinth of dungeon cells brings to mind similar games like ''Gauntlet,'' or the obvious ''[The Legend of] Zelda.'' ''[chuckles darkly]'' But those examples only conjure up thy false jolly hopes. As thou seen in my lair above, the artwork in the Nintendo Power magazine and in the instruction manual look divine, but nay, it is but filth. The game is naught of all that is goodly, plagued with visuals cursing the eyes of ye of ill mortals to witness. The shades and hues hereupon are like the bile of a dying bear that consumed only skunks, smeared with the milk of a witch's tits, fused with garlic, and drew a dump. Yeah. And there's another goblin. Ugh, it's so repetitive, you just mash those buttons. Like a disorderly arfarfanarf. I'd rather be bescumbered with dysentery. That's worse than diarrhea because it includes blood and mucus. I'm sorry, that's disgusting, but so is this!
:''[a goblin appears behind the Nerd and roars. The Nerd yells in shock, runs to grab a cane from the floor and begins fighting the goblin ''The Immortal''-style.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Curse you, foul, abhorrent beast! ''[defeats the goblin, who drops to the floor.]'' Eureka! A key! ''[grabs the key from behind the goblin and discovers a door.]'' Yonder I shall go, as I proceed in my journey to further experience the tragedy of ''The Immortal.'' Why must it be I, cursed by the gaming gods, to endure this vomitorium? ''[unlocks the door.]'' Yeah, &quot;vomitorium&quot;. Yeah, that, that's an interesting word. It means, or it was thought to have meant a place where the ancient Romans would all vomit during feasts to make room for more food, but that's just a misconception. It actually means a large colosseum passage that large crowds can exit through rapidly. Such as large crowds of vomit particles rapidly exiting a mouth, ''gaping in misery over a '''foul, wretched video game!''''' Anyway, ''The Immortal.'' Let's go.
:''[the Nerd walks through the door and discovers a group of skeletons.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Death. It is all death here. It began as a gamer's revelry. Those making merry, to open the game on birthdays and holidays with the flames of excitement and adventure in their eyes, but as the agonizing torment set in, as the game mercilessly chastised and dominated them, the instinct to survive faded as the flames in their eyes diminished, and one by one, the revelers all dropped to their knees. Challenge is one thing, but in this game, every step can be deadly; Arrows, flames, giant worms, and there's bats that blend with the dark backgrounds. I mean, how can you avoid something which you cannot see? Trap doors are everywhere, which is a cheap shot, no question about it. I mean, can, can I walk here, or will the floor swallow me? I mean, you'll never know. There's no strategy; no reward for skill. Thou must play it repeatedly to memorize where the pits are. These invisible pits are nothing but a cheap, mean-spirited beginner's trap meant to elicit false and ill-earned replay value.
:'''The Nerd:''' And also, if you touch ''anything,'' you die. Step on the wrong floor tile, you die. Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-- You search the same spot more than once, you die. You approach a ladder or try to climb down a hole from the wrong side, you die. You stand still for too long, you die. You see some tiny little pixel that might be something you can pick up? Nay! Chances are it is but death! In other words, bullshit of the lowest standard. And as mentioned, even thine inventory kills you. When you can't even trust the items, what ''can'' you do? Your character is vulnerable to everything, and for a game called ''The Immortal,'' it begs the question: Who is The Immortal? Because it's certainly not the main character.
:'''The Nerd:''' At one point, in the very first level, you get an amulet, which has an incantation on it. You're given the chance to read it, but if you pick &quot;Yes&quot;, you die. However, the amulet is required to beat the level, so don't read that! But I repeat, the item, that is required to beat the level, can also kill you! How could you make a game in the year of 1990 following a wealth of other games and ignore all that was done previously right? ''What art thou thinking?'' This was made by Electronic Arts? More like Electronic '''''FAAAAAAARTS!'''''
:''[the Nerd drops down to the floor and rests near a stone.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Ugh. And, just-- Oh, for...fucking hell, this forsaken dungeon. And if you thought this torture couldn't get any worse, it does, by enlightening you on how the game could have been better. It was originally made for PCs, like the Apple IIGS, the Amiga, the Atari ST and Sega Genesis. And it's no surprise the Genesis version is better, but all of them had much cleaner graphics. I mean, they're bright and they look more crisp, and plus, the other versions, especially the Genesis, had gore! Yeah! Fatalities, years before ''Mortal Kombat.'' Heads get sliced off, and, look at that, bodies get cut in half vertically, heads explode. I mean, this is-- this game had balls, but it was neutered on the NES. And wouldn't you think the NES, the flagship of all nostalgic video game consoles, would be home to an acceptable version of this? It was a good game. It was a good game. It even-- It even had gore! And-- And I was just playing a bad version all along on the NES. Ugh. ''[sobs angrily]'' Why? Why?! Ugh!
:'''The Nerd:''' Ohh, I-- I can't take it anymore! I thought I knew shit, but nothing could prepare me for this repulsive dung heap! It's a repetitive task, going through the same motions, only to progress one inch closer to the goal. It taunts you; The game knows. It allows you to get one step slightly further. It's like running a hundred-meter dash, but with a bungee cord attached. As soon as you make it near the finish line, it ''yanks'' you back. It's a journey so far travelled, yet barely have you gone forward.
:'''The Nerd:''' And however, if you do make it to the end by some miracle, you have to face a dragon. That's right, it always ends with a dragon. So with this dragon, you're powerless to fight him; you can only use defensive maneuvers. So what you need to do here...is dodge...six of the, the fire breaths with six blink spells. Now, you only have six blink spells, so if you miss one, then you're done; you have to start over. And this dragon, sometimes it shoots the fire right away, other times it leans back and, like, fakes you out. So, you have to memorize the pattern. And that's not all. There's a seventh breath where you have to use the fire protection spell, and again, it's all at a ''very specific time.'' If you miss it, it's over. And that's what sums up this game: just memorizing patterns, and knowing which items to use in which order, i-it's all cryptic trial of error. Just like ''Dragon's Lair.''
:'''The Nerd:''' Ohh, ''The Immortal'' will live on forever as a sadistic, demented electronic mechanism of human suffering. Ohh! Some masochistic alchemist invented this concoction of death traps, awkward combat, stiff controls, items that kill you, constantly dying and starting over. It only leaves you with frustration, anger, sadness and crippling disappointment, emotions that belong nowhere near video games. And when the manual's more fun to read than playing the actual game, you ''know'' you're in trouble. I long for a time when I knew not what this game was. I long for the ''Big Rigs,'' the LJNs, the Fred Fuchs of yesteryear! I rue the day I ever became trapped in ''The Immortal,'' '''''a game where I've stared at the same room so long, the pixelated walls have become my eternal home! I RUE THE DAY I WAS BORN UPON THIS EARTH WHICH HAD SPAWNED SUCH PRIMORDIAL, PUTRID ENGINEERS CAPABLE OF CREATING SOMETHING SO APOCALYPTICALLY HORRID!''''' ''[puts his hands on his chest and moans]'' '''''NEVER SHALL I TOUCH A GAME LIKE THIS AGAIN! I'd rather have a warlord...SHOVE A MORNINGSTAR UP MY ASS!''''' ''[a light comes on from off screen]'' Ah. The light. I must escape. This way.
:''[the Nerd walks away from the wall, and into a cave, where he comes face to face with a growling dragon.]''
:'''The Nerd:''' Oh! ''[ducks]'' Oh, good lord! ''[ducks]'' Ah! Ah! Begone, vile fiend! ''[ducks]'' Ahh! Oh, my-- It's futile. I can't win. Smite me, you will. Incinerate me! Banish me to Hell if you wish! ''If Hell is the way out, then Hell it shall be! '''AAAAH!'''''
:''[the Nerd falls to the dragon's fire. The dragon flows off screen.]''

=== Spawn Games ===

=== The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask ===

== Season Fourteen ==

=== Raid 2020 ===

=== Mortal Kombat 1 Ports ===

=== Mortal Kombat Rip-Offs ===

=== Dennis the Menace ===

=== The Incredible Crash Dummies ===

=== Bad Final Fight Games ===

=== Mission Impossible ===

=== Ecco the Dolphin ===

=== Countdown Vampires ===

=== The Legend of Kage ===

=== Taito Legends ===

=== The Simpsons: Bartman Meets Radioactive Man ===

== Season Fifteen ==

=== Shrek: Fairy Tale Freakdown ===

=== Darkman ===

=== Fear and Loathing in Vegas Stakes ===

=== 3DO Interactive Player ===

=== Corpse Killer ===

=== Sega Game Gear VHS Tapes ===

=== Carmaggedon 64 ===

=== Pac-Man 2: The New Adventures ===

=== The Rocketeer ===

=== Greendog: The Beached Surfer Dude ===

=== Commodore 64 ===

=== Freddy and Jason Commodore 64 ===

=== LJN Games Part One (Movie Games) ===

=== LJN Games Part Two (Sports and Marvel Games) ===

=== LJN Games Part Three (Wrestling and Other Games) ===

== Season Sixteen ==

=== The Last Ninja (NES) ===

== External links==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Angry Video Game Nerd, The}}
[[Category:Internet shows]]</text>
      <sha1>e6f0ywd2mtd33nxbctejmvcoqevshbk</sha1>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Tarzan (1999 film)</title>
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      <id>3153679</id>
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'''''[[w:Tarzan (1999 film)|Tarzan]]''''' is a 1999 American animated feature film produced by Walt Disney Pictures and Walt Disney Feature Animation and distributed by Buena Vista Pictures Distribution on June 18, 1999.

== Dialogue ==

:'''Kerchak''': What happened?!
:'''Young Tarzan''': It was my fault, Kerchak.
:'''Kala''': Tarzan? 
:'''Young Tarzan''': We were playing and... well... I'm sorry, Kerchak.
:'''Kerchak''': You almost killed someone!
:'''Young Tarzan''': But it was an accident...
:'''Kala''': He's only a child.
:'''Kerchak''': This is no excuse, Kala. You can't keep defending him.
:'''Kala''': He'll learn from it. 
:'''Kerchak''': He can't learn. He can't learn to be one of us. 
:'''Kala''': Because you never give him a chance!
:'''Kerchak''': Give him a chance?! Kala, look at him! He will never be one of us!
:'''Kala''': Kerchak, please! ''[to Tarzan, who escapes from her and Kerchak]'' Tarzan, come back here!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;?&gt;
:''[Tarzan gets ready to scare Kala behind her back]''
:'''Kala''': Don't even think about it.
:'''Tarzan''': How'd you know it was me?
:'''Kala''': I'm your mother. I know everything. Now, where have you been?
:'''Tarzan''': I thought you knew everything.
:''[Terk pounces on him]''
:'''Terk''': Hey, Auntie K! You look remarkably groomed today!
:'''Kala''': ''[unimpressed]'' Hello, Terk

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;?&gt;
:'''Tantor''': Y'know, I've been thinking lately that Tarzan might be some subspecies of elephant.
:'''Terk''': What are you, crazy? An elephant?!
:'''Tantor''': Listen to me. Think about it. He enjoys a peanut, I enjoy a peanut.
:'''Terk''': He looks nothin' like ya!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;?&gt;
:'''Kerchak''': ''[to Tarzan, Kala, Terk, Tantor, Mungo, Flynt, and all of the other gorillas]'' Gather round, everyone. We will avoid the strangers. Do not let them see you, and do not seek them out.
:'''Tarzan''': They mean us no harm, Kerchak.
:'''Kerchak''': Tarzan, I don't know that.
:'''Tarzan''': But, I do. I've spent time with them.
:'''Kerchak''': You may be willing to risk our safety, but I'm not.
:'''Tarzan''': ''[angry]'' Why are you being threatened by anyone different from you?!
:'''Kerchak''': Protect this family and stay away from them.
:'''Kaka''': ''[to Tarzan]'' Tarzan, for once, listen to Kerchak!
:'''Tarzan''': Why didn't you tell me there are creatures, who look like me?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;?&gt;
:'''Clayton''': ''[clears his throat]'' Where are the gorillas? ''[Tarzan plays with his mustache]'' GO-REE-LUHZ!
:'''Tarzan''': ''[imitates Clayton]'' GO-REE-LUHZ!
:'''Jane''': Shouting won't help, Mr. Clayton. He doesn't understand English.
:'''Clayton''': Then I'll make him understand. If I can teach a parrot to sing &quot;God save the Queen&quot;, I can certainly teach this savage a thing or two. ''[draws a crude gorilla on Jane's chalkboard and points to it with the chalk]'' Gorilla.
:'''Tarzan''': ''[takes the chalk and examines it]'' Gor-illa!
:'''Professor Porter''': ''[excited]'' Oh! Oh! He's got it!
:'''Tarzan''': Gor-illa! ''[proceeds to scribble wildly on the chalkboard]'' Gorrrrr-illllla!
:'''Professor Porter''': Oh, perhaps not...
:'''Clayton''': ''[grabs chalk]'' No! No, no, no, no! ''[Tarzan grabs the chalk back]''
:'''Tarzan''': ''[imitating Clayton]'' No! No, no, no, no! ''[they both bicker and fight over the chalk until Jane grabs it]''
:'''Jane''': Mr. Clayton, I think I'll take it from here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tarzan''': Terk, all you have to do is get Kerchak out of the way.
:'''Terk''': What?!
:'''Tantor''': Well, I'd be happy to get Kerch--
:'''Terk''': ''[grabs Tantor's trunk to shut him up]'' Hey! Shut your trunk, and get me outta here! ''[Tantor does so]'' Can you believe that guy? Drops us like a newborn giraffe - kerplop! - now waltzes in here and expects us to just-- ''[Tarzan lands in front of her]''
:'''Tarzan''': Terk, I'm asking you as a friend.
:'''Terk''': ''[grimaces at Tarzan's  pleading face]'' With the face and the eyes and the... All right! But don't make me do anything embarrassing. ''[cut to Terk bursting out of the bushes in Jane's dress]'' I'm gonna kill him!
:'''Tantor''': ''[with his trunk disguised has Professor Porter]'' Actually, I thought that dress was rather slimming on you.
:'''Terk''': Oh, really? I thought it was a little revealing...
:''[they both hear Kerchak's roar and run]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Clayton''': So sorry about the rude welcome, old boy, but I couldn't have you making a scene when we put your furry friends in their cages!
:'''Tarzan''': Why?
:'''Clayton''': Why? For £300 sterling a head. Actually, I have you to thank, old boy. Couldn't have done it without you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tarzan''': '''''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!'''''
:'''Tantor''': That sounded like Tarzan. It sounded like... like... like he was in trouble.
:'''Terk''': Yeah?! Well, why doesn't he get his new friends to help him?! I don't care!
:'''Tantor''': That's it! ''[grabs Terk's chest with his trunk before she walks off]''
:'''Terk''': GAWK!
:'''Tantor''': '''''I’VE HAD IT WITH YOU, AND YOUR EMOTIONAL CONSTIPATION! TARZAN NEEDS US, AND WE'RE GONNA HELP HIM! YOU GOT THAT?!'''''
:'''Terk''': Uh-huh!
:'''Tantor''': Now, pipe down, and hang on tight! We've got a boat to catch. ''[Has sex with Clayton's boat]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tantor''': I've never felt so alive!
:'''Terk''': Good! 'Cause I'm gonna kill ya!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kerchak is on the verge of death]''
:'''Tarzan''': Kerchak, forgive me.
:'''Kerchak''': No. Forgive me, for not understanding... that you have always been one of us. Our family will look to you now.
:'''Tarzan''': No. Kerchak!
:'''Kerchak''': Take care of them... my son. Take care of them. ''[dies]''

== About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' ==

* It was definitely a challenge. (For instance), Tarzan moving through the branches. I'd animated this scene and it didn't feel like Tarzan doing it. If felt like a human, like me hanging on vines and branches. So I studied the gibbon and realized they never look at the branches when the grab them. They look past. They look where they're going. And then we changed Tarzan so instead of looking at the vines and branches, he just moved right on through confidently, and it felt like Tarzan again. The instinct of an animal had to be there.
:* [[w:Glen Keane|Glen Keane]], [http://www.splicedwire.com/features/disneytarzan.html &quot;Tarzan' filmmakers put on a 'dog and pony show,' then hunker down to talk details&quot;], Rob Blackwelder, ''Splicedwire'' (1999).

* We didn't ever want Tarzan to feel like he was just a man. We didn't want him to stand up straight or wave good-bye. We wanted to make sure he always had that piece of gorilla in him, that he always had an animal attitude about him.
:* Kevin Lima, [http://www.splicedwire.com/features/disneytarzan.html &quot;Tarzan' filmmakers put on a 'dog and pony show,' then hunker down to talk details&quot;] Rob Blackwelder, ''Splicedwire'' (1999).

== Voice Cast ==
*[[w:Tony Goldwyn|Tony Goldwyn]] - Tarzan (voice)
*[[w:Minnie Driver|Minnie Driver]] - Jane Porter (voice)
*[[w:Glenn Close|Glenn Close]] - Kala (voice)
*[[Rosie O'Donnell]] - Terk (voice)
*[[w:Brian Blessed|Brian Blessed]] - John Clayton (voice)
*[[w:Lance Henriksen|Lance Henriksen]] - Kerchak (voice)
*[[w:Wayne Knight|Wayne Knight]] - Tantor (voice)
*[[w:Nigel Hawthorne|Nigel Hawthorne]] - Archimedes Q. Porter (voice)
*[[Alex D. Linz]] - Young Tarzan (voice)

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
[[Category:1999 films]]
[[Category:1990s American animated films]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical films]]
[[Category:Romance films]]
[[Category:Tarzan films]]
[[Category:Films set in Africa]]
[[Category:Films about apes]]
[[Category:Films about elephants]]
[[Category:Films directed by Chris Buck]]
[[Category:Films directed by Kevin Lima]]</text>
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'''''[[w:Tarzan (1999 film)|Tarzan]]''''' is a 1999 American animated feature film produced by Walt Disney Pictures and Walt Disney Feature Animation and distributed by Buena Vista Pictures Distribution on June 18, 1999.

== Dialogue ==

:'''Kerchak''': What happened?!
:'''Young Tarzan''': It was my fault, Kerchak.
:'''Kala''': Tarzan? 
:'''Young Tarzan''': We were playing and... well... I'm sorry, Kerchak.
:'''Kerchak''': You almost killed someone!
:'''Young Tarzan''': But it was an accident...
:'''Kala''': He's only a child.
:'''Kerchak''': This is no excuse, Kala. You can't keep defending him.
:'''Kala''': He'll learn from it. 
:'''Kerchak''': He can't learn. He can't learn to be one of us. 
:'''Kala''': Because you never give him a chance!
:'''Kerchak''': Give him a chance?! Kala, look at him! He will never be one of us!
:'''Kala''': Kerchak, please! ''[to Tarzan, who escapes from her and Kerchak]'' Tarzan, come back here!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;?&gt;
:''[Tarzan gets ready to scare Kala behind her back]''
:'''Kala''': Don't even think about it.
:'''Tarzan''': How'd you know it was me?
:'''Kala''': I'm your mother. I know everything. Now, where have you been?
:'''Tarzan''': I thought you knew everything.
:''[Terk pounces on him]''
:'''Terk''': Hey, Auntie K! You look remarkably groomed today!
:'''Kala''': ''[unimpressed]'' Hello, Terk

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;?&gt;
:'''Tantor''': Y'know, I've been thinking lately that Tarzan might be some subspecies of elephant.
:'''Terk''': What are you, crazy? An elephant?!
:'''Tantor''': Listen to me. Think about it. He enjoys a peanut, I enjoy a peanut.
:'''Terk''': He looks nothin' like ya!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;?&gt;
:'''Kerchak''': ''[to Tarzan, Kala, Terk, Tantor, Mungo, Flynt, and all of the other monkeys]'' Gather round, everyone. We will avoid the strangers. Do not let them see you, and do not seek them out.
:'''Tarzan''': They mean us no harm, Kerchak.
:'''Kerchak''': Tarzan, I don't know that.
:'''Tarzan''': But, I do. I've spent time with them.
:'''Kerchak''': You may be willing to risk our safety, but I'm not.
:'''Tarzan''': ''[angry]'' Why are you being threatened by anyone different from you?!
:'''Kerchak''': Protect this family and stay away from them.
:'''Kaka''': ''[to Tarzan]'' Tarzan, for once, listen to Kerchak!
:'''Tarzan''': Why didn't you tell me there are creatures, who look like me?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;?&gt;
:'''Clayton''': ''[clears his throat]'' Where are the gorillas? ''[Tarzan plays with his mustache]'' GO-REE-LUHZ!
:'''Tarzan''': ''[imitates Clayton]'' GO-REE-LUHZ!
:'''Jane''': Shouting won't help, Mr. Clayton. He doesn't understand English.
:'''Clayton''': Then I'll make him understand. If I can teach a parrot to sing &quot;God save the Queen&quot;, I can certainly teach this savage a thing or two. ''[draws a crude gorilla on Jane's chalkboard and points to it with the chalk]'' Gorilla.
:'''Tarzan''': ''[takes the chalk and examines it]'' Gor-illa!
:'''Professor Porter''': ''[excited]'' Oh! Oh! He's got it!
:'''Tarzan''': Gor-illa! ''[proceeds to scribble wildly on the chalkboard]'' Gorrrrr-illllla!
:'''Professor Porter''': Oh, perhaps not...
:'''Clayton''': ''[grabs chalk]'' No! No, no, no, no! ''[Tarzan grabs the chalk back]''
:'''Tarzan''': ''[imitating Clayton]'' No! No, no, no, no! ''[they both bicker and fight over the chalk until Jane grabs it]''
:'''Jane''': Mr. Clayton, I think I'll take it from here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tarzan''': Terk, all you have to do is get Kerchak out of the way.
:'''Terk''': What?!
:'''Tantor''': Well, I'd be happy to get Kerch--
:'''Terk''': ''[grabs Tantor's trunk to shut him up]'' Hey! Shut your trunk, and get me outta here! ''[Tantor does so]'' Can you believe that guy? Drops us like a newborn giraffe - kerplop! - now waltzes in here and expects us to just-- ''[Tarzan lands in front of her]''
:'''Tarzan''': Terk, I'm asking you as a friend.
:'''Terk''': ''[grimaces at Tarzan's  pleading face]'' With the face and the eyes and the... All right! But don't make me do anything embarrassing. ''[cut to Terk bursting out of the bushes in Jane's dress]'' I'm gonna kill him!
:'''Tantor''': ''[with his trunk disguised has Professor Porter]'' Actually, I thought that dress was rather slimming on you.
:'''Terk''': Oh, really? I thought it was a little revealing...
:''[they both hear Kerchak's roar and run]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Clayton''': So sorry about the rude welcome, old boy, but I couldn't have you making a scene when we put your monkey friends in their cages!
:'''Tarzan''': Why?
:'''Clayton''': Why? For £300 sterling a head. Actually, I have you to thank, old boy. Couldn't have done it without you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tarzan''': '''''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!'''''
:'''Tantor''': That sounded like Tarzan. It sounded like... like... like he was in trouble.
:'''Terk''': Yeah?! Well, why doesn't he get his new friends to help him?! I don't care!
:'''Tantor''': That's it! ''[grabs Terk's chest with his trunk before she walks off]''
:'''Terk''': GAWK!
:'''Tantor''': '''''I’VE HAD IT WITH YOU, AND YOUR EMOTIONAL CONSTIPATION! TARZAN NEEDS US, AND WE'RE GONNA HELP HIM! YOU GOT THAT?!'''''
:'''Terk''': Uh-huh!
:'''Tantor''': Now, pipe down, and hang on tight! We've got a boat to catch. ''[cut to Tantor having sex with Clayton's boat]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tantor''': I've never felt so alive!
:'''Terk''': Good! 'Cause I'm gonna kill ya!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kerchak is on the verge of death]''
:'''Tarzan''': Kerchak, forgive me.
:'''Kerchak''': No. Forgive me, for not understanding... that you have always been one of us. Our family will look to you now.
:'''Tarzan''': No. Kerchak!
:'''Kerchak''': Take care of them... my son. Take care of them. ''[dies]''

== About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' ==

* It was definitely a challenge. (For instance), Tarzan moving through the branches. I'd animated this scene and it didn't feel like Tarzan doing it. If felt like a human, like me hanging on vines and branches. So I studied the gibbon and realized they never look at the branches when the grab them. They look past. They look where they're going. And then we changed Tarzan so instead of looking at the vines and branches, he just moved right on through confidently, and it felt like Tarzan again. The instinct of an animal had to be there.
:* [[w:Glen Keane|Glen Keane]], [http://www.splicedwire.com/features/disneytarzan.html &quot;Tarzan' filmmakers put on a 'dog and pony show,' then hunker down to talk details&quot;], Rob Blackwelder, ''Splicedwire'' (1999).

* We didn't ever want Tarzan to feel like he was just a man. We didn't want him to stand up straight or wave good-bye. We wanted to make sure he always had that piece of gorilla in him, that he always had an animal attitude about him.
:* Kevin Lima, [http://www.splicedwire.com/features/disneytarzan.html &quot;Tarzan' filmmakers put on a 'dog and pony show,' then hunker down to talk details&quot;] Rob Blackwelder, ''Splicedwire'' (1999).

== Voice Cast ==
*[[w:Tony Goldwyn|Tony Goldwyn]] - Tarzan (voice)
*[[w:Minnie Driver|Minnie Driver]] - Jane Porter (voice)
*[[w:Glenn Close|Glenn Close]] - Kala (voice)
*[[Rosie O'Donnell]] - Terk (voice)
*[[w:Brian Blessed|Brian Blessed]] - John Clayton (voice)
*[[w:Lance Henriksen|Lance Henriksen]] - Kerchak (voice)
*[[w:Wayne Knight|Wayne Knight]] - Tantor (voice)
*[[w:Nigel Hawthorne|Nigel Hawthorne]] - Archimedes Q. Porter (voice)
*[[Alex D. Linz]] - Young Tarzan (voice)

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
[[Category:1999 films]]
[[Category:1990s American animated films]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical films]]
[[Category:Romance films]]
[[Category:Tarzan films]]
[[Category:Films set in Africa]]
[[Category:Films about apes]]
[[Category:Films about elephants]]
[[Category:Films directed by Chris Buck]]
[[Category:Films directed by Kevin Lima]]</text>
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'''''[[w:Tarzan (1999 film)|Tarzan]]''''' is a 1999 American animated feature film produced by Walt Disney Pictures and Walt Disney Feature Animation and distributed by Buena Vista Pictures Distribution on June 18, 1999.

== Dialogue ==

:'''Kerchak''': What happened?!
:'''Young Tarzan''': It was my fault, Kerchak.
:'''Kala''': Tarzan? 
:'''Young Tarzan''': We were playing and... well... I'm sorry, Kerchak.
:'''Kerchak''': You almost killed someone!
:'''Young Tarzan''': But it was an accident...
:'''Kala''': He's only a child.
:'''Kerchak''': This is no excuse, Kala. You can't keep defending him.
:'''Kala''': He'll learn from it. 
:'''Kerchak''': He can't learn. He can't learn to be one of us. 
:'''Kala''': Because you never give him a chance!
:'''Kerchak''': Give him a chance?! Kala, look at him! He will never be one of us!
:'''Kala''': Kerchak, please! ''[to Tarzan, who escapes from her and Kerchak]'' Tarzan, come back here!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;?&gt;
:''[Tarzan gets ready to scare Kala behind her back]''
:'''Kala''': Don't even think about it.
:'''Tarzan''': How'd you know it was me?
:'''Kala''': I'm your mother. I know everything. Now, where have you been?
:'''Tarzan''': I thought you knew everything.
:''[Terk pounces on him]''
:'''Terk''': Hey, Auntie K! You look remarkably groomed today!
:'''Kala''': ''[unimpressed]'' Hello, Terk

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;?&gt;
:'''Tantor''': Y'know, I've been thinking lately that Tarzan might be some subspecies of elephant.
:'''Terk''': What are you, crazy? An elephant?!
:'''Tantor''': Listen to me. Think about it. He enjoys a peanut, I enjoy a peanut.
:'''Terk''': He looks nothin' like ya!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;?&gt;
:'''Kerchak''': ''[to Tarzan, Kala, Terk, Tantor, Mungo, Flynt, and all of the other gorillas]'' Gather round, everyone. We will avoid the strangers. Do not let them see you, and do not seek them out.
:'''Tarzan''': They mean us no harm, Kerchak.
:'''Kerchak''': Tarzan, I don't know that.
:'''Tarzan''': But, I do. I've spent time with them.
:'''Kerchak''': You may be willing to risk our safety, but I'm not.
:'''Tarzan''': ''[angry]'' Why are you being threatened by anyone different from you?!
:'''Kerchak''': Protect this family and stay away from them.
:'''Kaka''': ''[to Tarzan]'' Tarzan, for once, listen to Kerchak!
:'''Tarzan''': Why didn't you tell me there are creatures, who look like me?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;?&gt;
:'''Clayton''': ''[clears his throat]'' Where are the gorillas? ''[Tarzan plays with his mustache]'' GO-REE-LUHZ!
:'''Tarzan''': ''[imitates Clayton]'' GO-REE-LUHZ!
:'''Jane''': Shouting won't help, Mr. Clayton. He doesn't understand English.
:'''Clayton''': Then I'll make him understand. If I can teach a parrot to sing &quot;God save the Queen&quot;, I can certainly teach this savage a thing or two. ''[draws a crude gorilla on Jane's chalkboard and points to it with the chalk]'' Gorilla.
:'''Tarzan''': ''[takes the chalk and examines it]'' Gor-illa!
:'''Professor Porter''': ''[excited]'' Oh! Oh! He's got it!
:'''Tarzan''': Gor-illa! ''[proceeds to scribble wildly on the chalkboard]'' Gorrrrr-illllla!
:'''Professor Porter''': Oh, perhaps not...
:'''Clayton''': ''[grabs chalk]'' No! No, no, no, no! ''[Tarzan grabs the chalk back]''
:'''Tarzan''': ''[imitating Clayton]'' No! No, no, no, no! ''[they both bicker and fight over the chalk until Jane grabs it]''
:'''Jane''': Mr. Clayton, I think I'll take it from here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tarzan''': Terk, all you have to do is get Kerchak out of the way.
:'''Terk''': What?!
:'''Tantor''': Well, I'd be happy to get Kerch--
:'''Terk''': ''[grabs Tantor's trunk to shut him up]'' Hey! Shut your trunk, and get me outta here! ''[Tantor does so]'' Can you believe that guy? Drops us like a newborn giraffe - kerplop! - now waltzes in here and expects us to just-- ''[Tarzan lands in front of her]''
:'''Tarzan''': Terk, I'm asking you as a friend.
:'''Terk''': ''[grimaces at Tarzan's  pleading face]'' With the face and the eyes and the... All right! But don't make me do anything embarrassing. ''[cut to Terk bursting out of the bushes in Jane's dress]'' I'm gonna kill him!
:'''Tantor''': ''[with his trunk disguised has Professor Porter]'' Actually, I thought that dress was rather slimming on you.
:'''Terk''': Oh, really? I thought it was a little revealing...
:''[they both hear Kerchak's roar and run]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Clayton''': So sorry about the rude welcome, old boy, but I couldn't have you making a scene when we put your furry friends in their cages!
:'''Tarzan''': Why?
:'''Clayton''': Why? For £300 sterling a head. Actually, I have you to thank, old boy. Couldn't have done it without you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tarzan''': '''''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!'''''
:'''Tantor''': That sounded like Tarzan. It sounded like... like... like he was in trouble.
:'''Terk''': Yeah?! Well, why doesn't he get his new friends to help him?! I don't care!
:'''Tantor''': That's it! ''[grabs Terk's chest with his trunk before she walks off]''
:'''Terk''': GAWK!
:'''Tantor''': '''''I’VE HAD IT WITH YOU, AND YOUR EMOTIONAL CONSTIPATION! TARZAN NEEDS US, AND WE'RE GONNA HELP HIM! YOU GOT THAT?!'''''
:'''Terk''': Uh-huh!
:'''Tantor''': Now, pipe down, and hang on tight! We've got a boat to catch.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tantor''': I've never felt so alive!
:'''Terk''': Good! 'Cause I'm gonna kill ya!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kerchak is on the verge of death]''
:'''Tarzan''': Kerchak, forgive me.
:'''Kerchak''': No. Forgive me, for not understanding... that you have always been one of us. Our family will look to you now.
:'''Tarzan''': No. Kerchak!
:'''Kerchak''': Take care of them... my son. Take care of them. ''[dies]''

== About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' ==

* It was definitely a challenge. (For instance), Tarzan moving through the branches. I'd animated this scene and it didn't feel like Tarzan doing it. If felt like a human, like me hanging on vines and branches. So I studied the gibbon and realized they never look at the branches when the grab them. They look past. They look where they're going. And then we changed Tarzan so instead of looking at the vines and branches, he just moved right on through confidently, and it felt like Tarzan again. The instinct of an animal had to be there.
:* [[w:Glen Keane|Glen Keane]], [http://www.splicedwire.com/features/disneytarzan.html &quot;Tarzan' filmmakers put on a 'dog and pony show,' then hunker down to talk details&quot;], Rob Blackwelder, ''Splicedwire'' (1999).

* We didn't ever want Tarzan to feel like he was just a man. We didn't want him to stand up straight or wave good-bye. We wanted to make sure he always had that piece of gorilla in him, that he always had an animal attitude about him.
:* Kevin Lima, [http://www.splicedwire.com/features/disneytarzan.html &quot;Tarzan' filmmakers put on a 'dog and pony show,' then hunker down to talk details&quot;] Rob Blackwelder, ''Splicedwire'' (1999).

== Voice Cast ==
*[[w:Tony Goldwyn|Tony Goldwyn]] - Tarzan (voice)
*[[w:Minnie Driver|Minnie Driver]] - Jane Porter (voice)
*[[w:Glenn Close|Glenn Close]] - Kala (voice)
*[[Rosie O'Donnell]] - Terk (voice)
*[[w:Brian Blessed|Brian Blessed]] - John Clayton (voice)
*[[w:Lance Henriksen|Lance Henriksen]] - Kerchak (voice)
*[[w:Wayne Knight|Wayne Knight]] - Tantor (voice)
*[[w:Nigel Hawthorne|Nigel Hawthorne]] - Archimedes Q. Porter (voice)
*[[Alex D. Linz]] - Young Tarzan (voice)

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
[[Category:1999 films]]
[[Category:1990s American animated films]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical films]]
[[Category:Romance films]]
[[Category:Tarzan films]]
[[Category:Films set in Africa]]
[[Category:Films about apes]]
[[Category:Films about elephants]]
[[Category:Films directed by Chris Buck]]
[[Category:Films directed by Kevin Lima]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Tom Peters</title>
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      <text bytes="11082" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Tom Peters|Thomas J. &quot;Tom&quot; Peters]]''' (born [[November 7]], [[1942]]) is an American writer on business management practices, best-known for ''In Search of Excellence'' co-authored with [[Robert H. Waterman]].

== Quotes ==
* Life is pretty simple: You do some stuff. Most fails. Some works. You do more of what works. If it works big, others quickly copy it. Then you do something else. The trick is the doing something else.
** Tom Peters in: &quot;[http://articles.chicagotribune.com/1994-07-11/business/9407110026_1_silicon-graphics-customers-richard-branson The Best Corporate Strategy? None, Of Course].&quot; ''Chicago Tribune,'' July 11, 1994.

* I had no idea what I was doing when I wrote Search. There was no carefully designed work plan. There was no theory that I was out to prove. I went out and talked to genuinely smart, remarkably interesting, first-rate people. I had an infinite travel budget that allowed me to fly first class and stay at top-notch hotels and a license from McKinsey to talk to as many cool people as I could all around the United States and the world.   &lt;br&gt; I went to see [[Karl Weick]], who had totally influenced my life. I had read his work a thousand times, and I'd never met him. I went to Oslo to talk with {{w|Einar Thorsrud}}, who had studied empowerment on oil tankers. I went to the {{w|Tavistock Institute}} in London, where the leading thinkers on organizational development were looking at why people work together effectively in team configurations under certain circumstances. &lt;br&gt;Word of the meeting got back to McKinsey USA, and I was invited to give a presentation to the top management of PepsiCo... The time was drawing near for the Pepsi presentation to take place. One morning at about 6, I sat down at my desk overlooking the San Francisco Bay from the 48th floor of the Bank of America Tower, and I closed my eyes. Then I leaned forward, and I wrote down eight things on a pad of paper. Those eight things haven't changed since that moment. They were the eight basic principles of Search.
** Tom Peters (2001) &quot;Tom Peters's True Confessions&quot; in ''Fast Company'', December 2001 ([http://www.fastcompany.com/44077/tom-peterss-true-confessions online], Nov 31, 2001).

* Bosses: You make your living going to meetings. Hence any meeting that does not bubble and incite enthusiasm is a forever-lost opportunity.
** Tom Peters on Twitter, 2012.06.03.

* EXCELLENCE in &lt;140 Characters:  Cherish your people, cuddle your customers, wander around, “try it” beats “talk about it,” Excellence or else, tell the truth.
** TomPeters.com - Abu Dhabi, World Strategy Summit, Main Program, November 17, 2015

=== ''In Search of Excellence'' (1982) ===
:Tom Peters &amp; [[Robert H. Waterman, Jr.]] (1982) ''[[w:In Search of Excellence|In Search of Excellence]]''.

* Creating in all employees the awareness that their best efforts are essential and that they will share in the rewards of the company's success.
** p. i.

* Without exception, the dominance and coherence of culture proved to be an essential quality of the excellent companies.
** p. 75.

* Transforming leadership, [is defined as] leadership that builds on man's need for meaning, leadership that creates institutional purpose … he is the value-shaper, the exemplar, the maker of meanings … he is the true artist, the true pathfinder.
** p. 82 as cited in: Amir Levy, Uri Merry (1986) ''Organizational Transformation: Approaches Strategies, and Theories''. p. 52.

* Most of their real innovation comes from the market
** p. 159.

* What gets measured gets done.
** Attributed to organization theorist Mason Haire. p. 268.

* Every excellent company we  studied is clear on what it stands for, and takes the process of value shaping seriously. In fact, we wonder whether it is possible to be an excellent company without clarity on  values and without having the right sorts of values.
** p. 280.

=== ''The Project 50 (Re-Inventing Work Series)''  (1999) ===
* Life is too short for non-WOW projects.
** p. 97.

* Lists simplify, clarify, edify.
** p. 164.

=== ''The Little Big Things: 163 Ways To Pursue Excellence'' (2010) ===
* If not excellence, what?  If not excellence now, when?
** p. 9.

* The vitality of our network will determine our professional fate.
** p. 50.
* Reward excellent failures.  Punish mediocre successes.
** p. 53.

=== ''The Excellence Dividend: Meeting the Tech Tide with Work That Wows and Jobs That Last'' (2018) ===

* Service is the highest human calling.
** pg. 41

=== Tom Peters Daily / Weekly Quote ===
: Free eMail Subscriptions Available at TomPeters.com.

* Do not even flippantly badmouth anybody this week. Button it up.
** November 2, 2010.

* The Big Four: Out-read 'em. Out-study 'em. Out-present 'em. Out-listen 'em.
** November 4, 2010.

* As project chief you are creating a narrative, a story, a good yarn. If you look at the process-journey that way, you and your gang will … dramatically up the odds of a WOW outcome!
** November 5, 2010.

* The Peters Principles: Enthusiasm. Emotion. Excellence. Energy. Excitement. Service. Growth. Creativity. Imagination. Vitality. Joy. Surprise. Independence. Spirit. Community. Limitless human potential. Diversity. Profit. Innovation. Design. Quality. Entrepreneurialism. Wow.
** November 21, 2011.

* What is my personal strategy for the next 10 hours?  Who can I talk with or what can I volunteer for to learn something new?
** February 4, 2013.

* Musing on the phrase ‘waste of time.’ So much more complex than it appears. Many ‘wastes of time’—small talk, daydreaming—are imperatives.”
** October 7, 2013.

* If you want to achieve Excellence, you can get there today. As of this second, quit doing less than Excellent work. The first 99.9% of getting from here to there is the determination to do it and not to compromise, no matter what set of road blocks those around you erect.
** November 11, 2013.

* Have fun/Make it fun. … All human endeavor is about emotion. Zest, joy, pride—and fun—are near the heart of any successful enterprise.
** December 23, 2013.

* Make the collective, professional pursuit of listening skills per se a keystone of corporate 'culture'.
** January 12, 2015.

* The most important personal ‘core competence’ by far is a rich set of relationships.
** March 16, 2015.

* The well-served customer...is an ''appreciating'' asset.  Every small act on her or his behalf ups the odds of repeat business, add-on business, and priceless word-of-mouth referral.
** January 4, 2016

* Training in listening, in statistical techniques and problem cause-and-effect analysis, in group problem solving, in sophisticated financial analysis (for everyone)—and then constant retraining, for upgrading and learning new skills—simply must become the norm, for realtor, banker, or high-tech wizard.
** March 14, 2016

* The ... moral responsibility ... of every leader is staggering—an opportunity to be of service to (literally) civilization. Or not.
** May 2, 2016

* Read deep!  Read often! Out-READ the 'Competition'!!!
** 20 June 2016

* Ask! Interviewing/information extraction is an (exceptionally important) ‘art’ that must be mastered! 
** 06 February 2017

* Success is about executing what you are doing today with unquestionable, breathtaking excellence.
** 13 February 2017

* A ‘Client’ is ... 
* a partner 
* someone with whom I have an intimate relationship 
* in it with me for the long haul 
* someone with whom I co-invent the future
** 08 May 2017

* No such thing as a 'non-leader.'  Every day offers every one of us scads of leadership opportunities.
** 16 October 2017

* R&amp;D/good times and bad times. R&amp;D may have to take its lumps in tough times ... But beware of cutting too much muscle.
** 08 January 2018

* Design, writ large, is increasingly the route to product or service differentiation.
** 15 January 2018

* Passionate servant leaders, determined to create a legacy of earthshaking transformation in their domain create/must necessarily create organizations which are ... no less than Cathedrals in which the full and awesome power of the Imagination and Spirit and native Entrepreneurial flair of diverse individuals is unleashed ... In passionate pursuit of jointly perceived soaring purpose and personal and community and client service Excellence.
** 24 December 2018

* Punctuality at meetings influences culture of punctuality, i.e., promise-keeping in general, on-time deliveries, etc.
** 04 February 2019

* Organizations exist only to serve.  Leaders exist only to serve.
** 20 May 2019

* In the private or public sector, in big business or small, we observe that there are only two ways to create and sustain superior performance over the long haul. First, take exceptional care of your customers ... via superior service and superior quality. Second, constantly innovate. That’s it.
** 28 October 2019

* ‘Soft’ skills will be 10X more important in a virtual/work-at-home world. Team dynamics, individual growth, team creativity will dominate effectiveness.”
** 06 April 2020

* Most important things take lots of time. Peerless quality. Relationship building. Developing people. Superb design. EXCELLENCE.
** 28 September 2020

* An organization, no matter how ‘technologically transformed,’ is at the end of the day no more/no less than: PEOPLE SERVING PEOPLE. (And as leader, your job is: SERVE THE PEOPLE WHO SERVE THE PEOPLE.) (One last thing: The people we serve are our Customers AND our Communities.)
** 26 October 2020

* Design that matters infuses HR and Purchasing and Finance as much as product development.
** 23 November 2020

* Hire for all jobs based on empathy. Employ people who care about people; everything else can be trained.
** 01 March 2021

* Everybody loves being recognized, in any way, large or small.  ...  Appreciation, applause, approval, respect—we all love it!
** 17 May 2021

* Professional success requires ... drive, initiative, commitment, involvement, and—above all—enthusiasm.
** 21 June 2021

* Brains are in; heavy lifting is out. That's the essential nature of the new knowledge-based economy.  Therefore, the development of knowledge is close to job No. 1 for corporations.
** 08 November 2021

* Tennis or finance or engineering or bartending … this ‘simple’ lesson bears repeating. … Study! Study! Study!
** 18 April 2022

* Machines can automate a lot of things, but design is something humans do best.
** 02 May 2022

=== Found Elsewhere ===
* A career is a portfolio of projects that teach you new skills, gain you new expertise, develop new capabilities, grow your colleague set and constantly reinvent you as a brand.
** Source: https://peoplehawk.com/

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* [http://www.tompeters.com TomPeters.com]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Peters, Tom}}
[[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]]
[[Category:Orators from the United States]]
[[Category:1942 births]]
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[[Category:People from Baltimore]]</text>
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    <title>George of the Jungle (film)</title>
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      <text bytes="16712" xml:space="preserve">{{Film-stub}}

'''''[[w:George of the Jungle (film)|George of the Jungle]]''''' is a 1997 Disney film starring [[Brendan Fraser]] and [[w:Leslie Mann|Leslie Mann]], based on the [[w:George of the Jungle|animated series of the same name]].

== George ==
*''[arrives in Africa in a crate]'' Next time George get bigger box.
*''[about to swing and save a man]'' To swing or not to swing? ''[man screams for help]'' Swing.
*''[repeated line]'' George just lucky, I guess.
*No people here to look stupid for. Just George.
*''[looks down the unconscious Ursula's blouse]'' Something funny about this fella.
*Here comes Shep.
*It dancin' time.
*''[after crashing into a tree at a breakneck speed]'' George not feel so good.

==Lyle Van der Groot==
*''[Translating with a Swahili phrasebook]'' Pardon me, girls. I know you're feeling pretty hey sailor up here about now. But if you would just let me order a bowl of fried clams we can all have smallpox tomorrow morning.
*''[practicing his made-up story about Ursula getting captured by the White Ape]'' It was horrible. An almost 400-pound white ape man. The White Ape has my girlfriend. I held him off as long as I could. There's blood everywhere. The White Ape got my girlfriend. He weighs 400-pounds! The White Ape got my girlfriend! The White Ape got...help! Help! Man needs help!
*No hard feelings, Stonebelly. The best man won, that's all. Or, I should say, the guy who brought mercenaries won; ''that's'' all.

==Other==
:'''Ape''': &quot;George's Secrets.&quot;  There's the shortest book ever written.

==Dialogue==
:'''Narrator''': And so, onward and upward, the tired trekkers trudged on feverished footsies over perilous paths. When they finally beheld the mighty Ape Mountain, they reacted with awe.
:'''Expedition''': Aww.
:'''Narrator''': I said awe. A-W-''E''.
:'''Expedition''': Ooh!
:'''Narrator''': That's better.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Lyle, Max, Thor, Kwame and his men are searching for Ursula. N'Dugo is holding Lyle on his back]''
:'''Lyle''': Ursula! God, this trail's really rough.
:'''N'Dugo''': ''[Swahili]'' Drop him! You're not his donkey. ''[Mimics Lyle]'' &quot;Ursula! Ursula!&quot; ''[Swahili]'' Next cliff we pass, he's history.
:''[He and his men start going in another direction]''
:'''Lyle''': Hey, come back here.
:'''Max''': They're not abandoning us, are they?
:'''Kwame''': They are threatening.
:'''Lyle''': If you don't mind, Kwame, I have a knack for getting the most out of my employees. Do you mind if I address the porters?
:'''Kwame''': They only speak Swahili.
:'''Lyle''': Well, I just happen to have a Swahili phrase book.
:'''Kwame''': Be my guest.
:''[Lyle reads the book and says random Swahili phrases. The subtitles reveal what he's saying]''
:'''Lyle''': ''[Swahili]'' Pardon me, girls. I know you're feeling pretty hey sailor up here about now. But, if you would just let me order a bowl of fried clams, we can all have smallpox tomorrow morning. ''[The porters laugh. Lyle speaks English]'' I think our troubles are over.
:'''Max''': Tell them I'll pay 50 zamoles a man if they'll help me capture the White Ape and bring him back alive.
:'''Lyle''': Alive? After he...uh...well, he pulled Ursula's scrunchy off. We know that much.
:'''Max''': 50 zamoles a man. What do you say?
:'''Kwame''': They only speak Swahili.
:'''N'Dugo''': ''[English]'' 100 zamoles a man and you got a deal.
:'''Lyle''': ''[Shocked]'' Hey, wait a second...
:'''Max''': Done.
:''[The porters laugh again]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Lyle, Max, Thor, Kwame and his men are searching for Ursula]''
:'''Narrator''': The very next morning, Kwame and his men were drawing dangerously close... ''[Lyle gets hit by random tree branches]'' ...that is, dangerously close to shoving a coconut up Lyle's... ''[wryly]'' sleeping bag.
:'''Lyle''': That's it! I've had it! I am the richest, smartest, handsomest guy here, so I get to go first! ''[suddenly trips and falls face first into elephant feces]'' There's an elephant around here.
:'''N'Dugo:''' Bad guy falls in poop: Classic element of physical comedy. Now comes the part where we throw our heads back and laugh. Ready?
:'''Guides''': Ready!
:''[they all throw their heads back and laugh at Lyle; a monkey, watching nearby, laughs with them; Lyle gets up, spitting out the feces]''
:'''Lyle''': Those were nowhere near properly digested! In case anybody's wondering, I'm okay. ''[Max and Thor laugh along with the porters]'' Have you cleaned my lighter yet?
:'''N'Dugo''': ''[in Swahili]'' One moment, you blonde-haired baboon.
:''[the porters laugh again]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[After Lyle shot George, he is put into a prison line-up of random African people. Kwame, N'Dugo, and the other two men are looking at them]''
:'''Narrator''': Meanwhile, Kwame and his men faced the next-to-impossible task of picking out George's assailant from a line-up of the usual suspects.
:'''N'Dugo''': No. No. Too short. Too sweaty. ''[Sees Lyle, but doesn't recognize him at first]'' Wait a second. That's the guy. That's the guy who shot him. I never forget a face.
:'''Lyle''': Me?
:''[N'Dugo and the two men, recognizing Lyle, laugh loudly]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Thor''': No, Max. Forget about it. I do not want to listen to anymore of your ideas.
:'''Max''': You'll like this one. We're gonna steal Georgie-Boy's talking ape.
:'''Thor''': You mean, back up the mountain?
:'''Max''': Thor, that ape is our ticket out of poaching and into show business. Think about it. We got a talking ape. What do Sigfried and Roy have? 
:'''Thor''': Sequins?
:'''Max''': Exactly. Get ready for room service, mate, and girls. We're getting our ape and going to Vegas. By next weekend, we'll be headlining at the Tropicana. Nobody is gonna stop us.
:'''Thor''': Right. George of the Jungle must be halfway to Frisco by now.
:''[Cut to George in San Francisco]''
:'''Narrator''': Ah, but the plotting poachers were only half-correct, for at that very moment, our handsome hero was '''all''' the way to San Francisco.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[George is at Ursula's apartment, juggling three apples while listening to Mrs. Stanhope on the phone]''
:'''Mrs. Stanhope''': Ursula, it's Mother. Pick up the phone and tell me who that man was I saw you strolling with today. And where is Lyle? We must discuss the engagement party. I know you're there, Ursula. Pick up the phone and tell me why you have been avoiding me. PICK UP THE PHONE! ''[George picks up the phone and yells into it, scaring Mrs. Stanhope, who then hangs up]'' Well, I think that was an overreaction.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': Emboldened with jungle juju, Ursula Stanhope went inside to break the news to her parents, who took it extremely well.
:'''Ursula''': Mother, Daddy, I love you both very much. I have something very important to tell you, and I hope you'll understand. I don't wanna marry Lyle anymore.
:'''Arthur and Beatrice''': ''[kindly]'' We understand, dear.
:''[Ursula sighs happily; after a pause...]''
:'''Narrator''': Just kidding.
:'''Beatrice''': ''[screams]''
:'''Narrator''': The young Miss Stanhope proceeded to spill the beans... ''[Ursula's conversation is sped up]'' ...very quickly, until she got to the important part at the end. ''[scene replays normally]''
:'''Ursula''': And then, Lyle shot him. So Lyle is in jail, and George is with me, and I don't wanna marry Lyle anymore.
:'''Beatrice''': I knew it! It's that swinging man from the bridge. I saw you smooching on TV.
:'''Ursula''': Mother, we weren't smooching...
:'''Beatrice''': How could you do this to me? Don't you realize the cailbre of people who are going to be here?
:'''Arthur''': Calm down, Beatrice, and let her say...
:'''Beatrice''': I thought we would be introducing them to Lyle Van de Groot, not some wild man you found in the jungle!
:'''Arthur''': Beatrice, this is supposed to be her wedding, not yours.
:'''Beatrice''': So?
:'''Arthur''': Beatrice, I know you're upset, and so am I, but we can't force her to marry someone against her will.
:'''Beatrice''': Why not?
:'''Ursula''': Mom, Dad, I'm ready to go out there and apologize to everybody and tell them what really happened. 
:'''Beatrice''': Absolutely not! As far as I'm concerned, you, you caught one of those viruses. Yes, one of those dreadful jungle viruses that get nice girls all confused. And if Lyle survives that awful jail, you will simply have to kiss and make up. As for this evening, we will hold our heads high and we will carry on. ''[Sweetly]'' Now, darling, where is that charming young friend of yours?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Stanhope''': Well, we haven't been friends for very long, George, but I already think I know something about you. 
:'''George''': Oh?
:'''Mrs. Stanhope''': You are in love with my daughter.
:'''George''': Oh, Mrs. Ursula not so dumb.
:'''Mrs. Stanhope''': ''[Chuckles]'' Charming. My concern, however, is that Ursula seems to reciprocate your feelings, and that does present a problem to me. You see, you and Ursula together would be unbefitting her social stature. You see? Let me put it in a way you might understand. Where you come from, zebras marry zebras and leopards marry leopards. Stripes with stripes, spots with spots. Well, Ursula is a stripe, and you are a spot, one which I intend to have removed as soon as possible.
:'''George''': So you no want Ursula to love George?
:'''Mrs. Stanhope''': I would rather have my tongue nailed to this table every morning at breakfast.
:'''George''': That hurt.
:'''Mrs. Stanhope''': Not as much as you will if you do anything to screw up my daughter's marriage to Lyle Van de Groot. When Lyle returns, this wedding will proceed as planned. If you do anything to upset that, I will remove your reason for wearing a loin cloth.
:'''Waiter''': Steak tartare, Mrs. Stanhope?
:'''Mrs. Stanhope''': No, thank you. I've had quite enough protein for today. ''[Walks away from a depressed George]'' Have a pleasant evening, Mr. Jungle. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Stanhope''': Well, of course he went back to the jungle. Where else would he go? The Hague?
:'''Ursula''': But why would he leave without saying goodbye?
:'''Mrs. Stanhope''': Well, personally, I think he acted rather sensibly. Showed good character. He understands that he belongs there, you belong here. It's really all a question of stripes and spots.
:'''Ursula''': What? ''[Realizes]'' Oh, no. You got to him. Mother, what did you say?
:'''Mrs. Stanhope''': I simply said that if he really cared for you, he'd leave you alone, let you get on with your life and marry Lyle.
:'''Ursula''': I am not marrying Lyle, Mother!
:'''Mr. Stanhope''': Beatrice, perhaps we should just...
:'''Mrs. Stanhope''': Arthur! Now, Ursula, darling, don't be ridiculous. There's a big difference between marriageable material and a fling in the jungle.
:'''Ursula''': &quot;A fling in the jungle&quot;? A fling in the jungle? Who says I had a fling in the jungle?
:'''Mrs. Stanhope''': You don't think you can fool your mother, do you? You've been head over heels for that '''ape''' ever since you brought him here. Now, Ursula, that kind of love is fleeting. You'll get over it.
:''[Ursula realizes something]''
:'''Ursula''': Did you just say love?
:'''Mrs. Stanhope''': ''[Scared]'' No.
:'''Ursula''': You did.
:'''Mrs. Stanhope''': Ursula!
:'''Ursula''': You're right.
:'''Mrs. Stanhope''': Don't say it!
:'''Ursula''': I love him. I'm outta here.
:'''Mrs. Stanhope''': Ursula, you can't love him! Arthur, say something!
:'''Mr. Stanhope''': Be careful out there, honey.
:'''Mrs. Stanhope''': What?!
:'''Ursula''': Goodbye, Daddy. ''[Hugs him]''
:'''Mr. Stanhope''': I love you.
:'''Mrs. Stanhope''': What?!
:'''Ursula''': I love you, Mom. Thank you. ''[Leaves]''
:'''Mrs. Stanhope''': Ursula! Arthur, do something!
:'''Mr. Stanhope''': What would you have me do? There's obviously no stopping her.
:'''Mrs. Stanhope''': Oh, God! ''[Drinks a sip of her drink and leaves]'' URSULA!!
:'''Mr. Stanhope''': ''[under his breath]'' God, that woman's a pain in the ass.
:''[Cut back to the jungle]''
:'''Narrator''': Meanwhile, halfway across the road, another ass was feeling pain, as an ape named Ape was caged in a cage, hoping to hear the jungle king's awesome... ''[The sound of George yelling is heard]'' Hey, I'm pretty good at that. ...and wondering if he would ever come. But the motion-sick mammal needn't have moaned, for that defender of the innocent, protector of the weak, and all-around good guy, George of the Jungle, was closer than he knew.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ape''': I'm hungry.
:'''Thor''': Oh, shut up! You've been yakkin' for two days straight, and I'm getting mad enough to...
:'''Ape''': You know, you really should work on your anger. Have you tried Brankowski's &quot;Cage the Rage&quot; technique?
:'''Max''': Don't let him get to you, Thor. He's just an ape.
:'''Ape''': That's a fine way to talk to your meal ticket. You keep that up, it's liable to affect my stage performance.
:'''Max''': Give him a banana, Thor. Won't be long now.
:'''Thor''': That's what you said yesterday. This trail's taking us to the middle of nowhere!
:''[Ape snickers]''
:'''Max''': The sign at the trail head said &quot;Shortcut to Ape River&quot;. Now, why would it say &quot;shortcut&quot; if it wasn't a... ''[Realizes something]'' Wait a minute. Maybe it's a fake. A decoy trail.
:'''Ape''': Very good, Max. Actually, the trail '''is''' a fake. It circles Ape Mountain six times before heading right back to the treehouse.
:'''Thor''': Ohhh! Oh, I knew we was lost!
:'''Max''': Don't listen to him, Thor. He's just trying to trick us, lead us off the shortcut so we take twice as long on the regular trail.
:'''Thor''': We're already taking twice as long!
:'''Max''': Are you gonna let a monkey make a monkey out of you?
:'''Thor''': What?
:'''Ape''': Du-u-u-uh!
:'''Max''': Let's go. If he tells us the shortcut leads to the treehouse, then that's exactly where it doesn't lead.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Thor''': Max, look. We're back at the treehouse.
:'''Ape''': Well, I tried, but you fellas are just too smart for me.
:'''Max''': Oh, no!
:'''Narrator''': &quot;Oh, no!&quot; was right, for the exhausted ape-nappers--
:'''Thor''': Hey! Why don't you say something constructive for a change, like, what should we do now?
:'''Narrator''': Because I don't like you!
:'''Thor''': Well, I hate you, you snotty son of a bitch--!
:'''Narrator''': I'll pretend I didn't hear that. ''[Makes a loud crashing noise; everything else fast forwards for a few seconds]'' Having some fun now, hmm?
:'''Max''': Thor, were you fighting with the narrator?
:'''Thor''': Well, he started it.
:'''Narrator''': Did not.
:'''Thor''': You did too!
:'''Narrator''': Did not!
:'''Thor''': You did too!
:'''Narrator''': Did not!
:'''Thor''': You did too!
:'''Max''': Thor, stop it!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Max''': Let's take care of him.
:''[Max and Thor pick George up and ram him]''
:'''George:''' Huh?
:'''Ape:''' '''WHOA!'''
:''[George's head is wedged into the cage]''
:'''Ape''': Why didn't you come sooner?
:'''George''': Why Ape have little stars around head?
:''[Max and Thor pull George out, tickle him, and ram his head back in]''
:'''Ape''': George, remember everything I told you about Queensbury rules and fighting fair?
:'''George''': Uh-huh.
:'''Ape''': Well, now's a good time to forget it.
:'''Max''': Let's finish him off.
:''[George kicks Max and Thor in the balls]''
:'''Thor''': Oh, I can't breathe, Max!
:'''Max''' Let it out, Thor, let it out!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Max puts George in a Full Nelson and Thor starting tickling George.]''
:'''Thor''': Take this!
:'''George''': Stop it! Ape! ''[laughing]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[at George and Ursula's wedding]''
:'''Mrs. Stanhope''': Arthur, I wish you could do something about all these monkeys. I feel like [[w:Jane Goodall|Jane Goodall]].
:'''Ape''': [[w:Senator, you're no Jack Kennedy|Madam, I knew Jane Goodall, and you are no Jane Goodall.]]

== Cast ==
*[[Brendan Fraser]] - George
*[[w:Leslie Mann|Leslie Mann]] - Ursula
*[[John Cleese]] - Ape (voice)
*[[w:Thomas Haden Church|Thomas Haden Church]] - Lyle Van De Groot
*[[w:Richard Roundtree|Richard Roundtree]] - Kwame
*[[w:Greg Cruttwell|Greg Cruttwell]] - Max
*[[w:Abraham Benrubi|Abraham Benrubi]] - Thor
*[[w:John Bennett Perry|John Bennett Perry]] - Arthur Stanhope
*[[w:Holland Taylor|Holland Taylor]] - Beatrice Stanhope
*[[w:Keith Scott (voice actor)|Keith Scott]] - Narrator
*[[Michael Chinyamurindi]] - N'Dugo

==External links==
{{Wikipedia}}
* {{IMDb title|0119190|George of the Jungle}}

[[Category:1997 films]]
[[Category:Live-action films based on animated series]]
[[Category:Films set in San Francisco]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:American films with live action and animation]]</text>
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      <text bytes="16707" xml:space="preserve">{{Film-stub}}

'''''[[w:George of the Jungle (film)|George of the Jungle]]''''' is a 1997 Disney film starring [[Brendan Fraser]] and [[w:Leslie Mann|Leslie Mann]], based on the [[w:George of the Jungle|animated series of the same name]].

== George ==
*''[arrives in Africa in a crate]'' Next time George get bigger box.
*''[about to swing and save a man]'' To swing or not to swing? ''[man screams for help]'' Swing.
*''[repeated line]'' George just lucky, I guess.
*No people here to look stupid for. Just George.
*''[looks down the unconscious Ursula's blouse]'' Something funny about this fella.
*Here comes Shep.
*It dancin' time.
*''[after crashing into a tree at a breakneck speed]'' George not feel so good.

==Lyle Van der Groot==
*''[Translating with a Swahili phrasebook]'' Pardon me, girls. I know you're feeling pretty hey sailor up here about now. But if you would just let me order a bowl of fried clams we can all have smallpox tomorrow morning.
*''[practicing his made-up story about Ursula getting captured by the White Ape]'' It was horrible. An almost 400-pound white ape man. The White Ape has my girlfriend. I held him off as long as I could. There's blood everywhere. The White Ape got my girlfriend. He weighs 400-pounds! The White Ape got my girlfriend! The White Ape got...help! Help! Man needs help!
*No hard feelings, Stonebelly. The best man won, that's all. Or, I should say, the guy who brought mercenaries won; ''that's'' all.

==Other==
:'''Ape''': &quot;George's Secrets.&quot;  There's the shortest book ever written.

==Dialogue==
:'''Narrator''': And so, onward and upward, the tired trekkers trudged on feverished footsies over perilous paths. When they finally beheld the mighty Ape Mountain, they reacted with awe.
:'''Expedition''': Aww.
:'''Narrator''': I said awe. A-W-''E''.
:'''Expedition''': Ooh!
:'''Narrator''': That's better.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Lyle, Max, Thor, Kwame and his men are searching for Ursula. N'Dugo is holding Lyle on his back]''
:'''Lyle''': Ursula! God, this trail's really rough.
:'''N'Dugo''': ''[Swahili]'' Drop him! You're not his donkey. ''[Mimics Lyle]'' &quot;Ursula! Ursula!&quot; ''[Swahili]'' Next cliff we pass, he's history.
:''[He and his men start going in another direction]''
:'''Lyle''': Hey, come back here.
:'''Max''': They're not abandoning us, are they?
:'''Kwame''': They are threatening.
:'''Lyle''': If you don't mind, Kwame, I have a knack for getting the most out of my employees. Do you mind if I address the porters?
:'''Kwame''': They only speak Swahili.
:'''Lyle''': Well, I just happen to have a Swahili phrase book.
:'''Kwame''': Be my guest.
:''[Lyle reads the book and says random Swahili phrases. The subtitles reveal what he's saying]''
:'''Lyle''': ''[Swahili]'' Pardon me, girls. I know you're feeling pretty hey sailor up here about now. But, if you would just let me order a bowl of fried clams, we can all have smallpox tomorrow morning. ''[The porters laugh. Lyle speaks English]'' I think our troubles are over.
:'''Max''': Tell them I'll pay 50 zamoles a man if they'll help me capture the White Ape and bring him back alive.
:'''Lyle''': Alive? After he...uh...well, he pulled Ursula's scrunchy off. We know that much.
:'''Max''': 50 zamoles a man. What do you say?
:'''Kwame''': They only speak Swahili.
:'''N'Dugo''': ''[English]'' 100 zamoles a man and you got a deal.
:'''Lyle''': ''[Shocked]'' Hey, wait a second...
:'''Max''': Done.
:''[The porters laugh again]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Lyle, Max, Thor, Kwame and his men are searching for Ursula]''
:'''Narrator''': The very next morning, Kwame and his men were drawing dangerously close... ''[Lyle gets hit by random tree branches]'' ...that is, dangerously close to shoving a coconut up Lyle's... ''[wryly]'' sleeping bag.
:'''Lyle''': That's it! I've had it! I am the richest, smartest, handsomest guy here, so I get to go first! ''[suddenly trips and falls face first into elephant feces]'' There's an elephant around here.
:'''N'Dugo:''' Bad guy falls in poop: Classic element of physical comedy. Now comes the part where we throw our heads back and laugh. Ready?
:'''Guides''': Ready!
:''[they all throw their heads back and laugh at Lyle; a monkey, watching nearby, laughs with them; Lyle gets up, spitting out the feces]''
:'''Lyle''': Those were nowhere near properly digested! In case anybody's wondering, I'm okay. ''[Max and Thor laugh along with the porters]'' Have you cleaned my lighter yet?
:'''N'Dugo''': ''[in Swahili]'' One moment, you blonde-haired baboon.
:''[the porters laugh again]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[After Lyle shot George, he is put into a prison line-up of random African people. Kwame, N'Dugo, and the other two men are looking at them]''
:'''Narrator''': Meanwhile, Kwame and his men faced the next-to-impossible task of picking out George's assailant from a line-up of the usual suspects.
:'''N'Dugo''': No. No. Too short. Too sweaty. ''[Sees Lyle, but doesn't recognize him at first]'' Wait a second. That's the guy. That's the guy who shot him. I never forget a face.
:'''Lyle''': Me?
:''[N'Dugo and the two men, recognizing Lyle, laugh loudly]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Thor''': No, Max. Forget about it. I do not want to listen to anymore of your ideas.
:'''Max''': You'll like this one. We're gonna steal Georgie-Boy's talking ape.
:'''Thor''': You mean, back up the mountain?
:'''Max''': Thor, that ape is our ticket out of poaching and into show business. Think about it. We got a talking ape. What do Sigfried and Roy have? 
:'''Thor''': Sequins?
:'''Max''': Exactly. Get ready for room service, mate, and girls. We're getting our ape and going to Vegas. By next weekend, we'll be headlining at the Tropicana. Nobody is gonna stop us.
:'''Thor''': Right. George of the Jungle must be halfway to Frisco by now.
:''[Cut to George in San Francisco]''
:'''Narrator''': Ah, but the plotting poachers were only half-correct, for at that very moment, our handsome hero was '''all''' the way to San Francisco.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[George is at Ursula's apartment, juggling three apples while listening to Mrs. Stanhope on the phone]''
:'''Mrs. Stanhope''': Ursula, it's Mother. Pick up the phone and tell me who that man was I saw you strolling with today. And where is Lyle? We must discuss the engagement party. I know you're there, Ursula. Pick up the phone and tell me why you have been avoiding me. PICK UP THE PHONE! ''[George picks up the phone and yells into it, scaring Mrs. Stanhope, who then hangs up]'' Well, I think that was an overreaction.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': Emboldened with jungle juju, Ursula Stanhope went inside to break the news to her parents, who took it extremely well.
:'''Ursula''': Mother, Daddy, I love you both very much. I have something very important to tell you, and I hope you'll understand. I don't wanna marry Lyle anymore.
:'''Arthur and Beatrice''': ''[kindly]'' We understand, dear.
:''[Ursula sighs happily; after a pause...]''
:'''Narrator''': Just kidding.
:'''Beatrice''': ''[screams]''
:'''Narrator''': The young Miss Stanhope proceeded to spill the beans... ''[Ursula's conversation is sped up]'' ...very quickly, until she got to the important part at the end. ''[scene replays normally]''
:'''Ursula''': And then, Lyle shot him. So Lyle is in jail, and George is with me, and I don't wanna marry Lyle anymore.
:'''Beatrice''': I knew it! It's that swinging man from the bridge. I saw you smooching on TV.
:'''Ursula''': Mother, we weren't smooching...
:'''Beatrice''': How could you do this to me? Don't you realize the cailbre of people who are going to be here?
:'''Arthur''': Calm down, Beatrice, and let her say...
:'''Beatrice''': I thought we would be introducing them to Lyle Van de Groot, not some wild man you found in the jungle!
:'''Arthur''': Beatrice, this is supposed to be her wedding, not yours.
:'''Beatrice''': So?
:'''Arthur''': Beatrice, I know you're upset, and so am I, but we can't force her to marry someone against her will.
:'''Beatrice''': Why not?
:'''Ursula''': Mom, Dad, I'm ready to go out there and apologize to everybody and tell them what really happened. 
:'''Beatrice''': Absolutely not! As far as I'm concerned, you, you caught one of those viruses. Yes, one of those dreadful jungle viruses that get nice girls all confused. And if Lyle survives that awful jail, you will simply have to kiss and make up. As for this evening, we will hold our heads high and we will carry on. ''[Sweetly]'' Now, darling, where is that charming young friend of yours?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Stanhope''': Well, we haven't been friends for very long, George, but I already think I know something about you. 
:'''George''': Oh?
:'''Mrs. Stanhope''': You are in love with my daughter.
:'''George''': Oh, Mrs. Ursula not so dumb.
:'''Mrs. Stanhope''': ''[Chuckles]'' Charming. My concern, however, is that Ursula seems to reciprocate your feelings, and that does present a problem to me. You see, you and Ursula together would be unbefitting her social stature. You see? Let me put it in a way you might understand. Where you come from, zebras marry zebras and leopards marry leopards. Stripes with stripes, spots with spots. Well, Ursula is a stripe, and you are a spot, one which I intend to have removed as soon as possible.
:'''George''': So you no want Ursula to love George?
:'''Mrs. Stanhope''': I would rather have my tongue nailed to this table every morning at breakfast.
:'''George''': That hurt.
:'''Mrs. Stanhope''': Not as much as you will if you do anything to screw up my daughter's marriage to Lyle Van de Groot. When Lyle returns, this wedding will proceed as planned. If you do anything to upset that, I will remove your reason for wearing a loin cloth.
:'''Waiter''': Steak tartare, Mrs. Stanhope?
:'''Mrs. Stanhope''': No, thank you. I've had quite enough protein for today. ''[Walks away from a depressed George]'' Have a pleasant evening, Mr. Jungle. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Stanhope''': Well, of course he went back to the jungle. Where else would he go? The Hague?
:'''Ursula''': But why would he leave without saying goodbye?
:'''Mrs. Stanhope''': Well, personally, I think he acted rather sensibly. Showed good character. He understands that he belongs there, you belong here. It's really all a question of stripes and spots.
:'''Ursula''': What? ''[Realizes]'' Oh, no. You got to him. Mother, what did you say?
:'''Mrs. Stanhope''': I simply said that if he really cared for you, he'd leave you alone, let you get on with your life and marry Lyle.
:'''Ursula''': I am not marrying Lyle, Mother!
:'''Mr. Stanhope''': Beatrice, perhaps we should just...
:'''Mrs. Stanhope''': Arthur! Now, Ursula, darling, don't be ridiculous. There's a big difference between marriageable material and a fling in the jungle.
:'''Ursula''': &quot;A fling in the jungle&quot;? A fling in the jungle? Who says I had a fling in the jungle?
:'''Mrs. Stanhope''': You don't think you can fool your mother, do you? You've been head over heels for that '''ape''' ever since you brought him here. Now, Ursula, that kind of love is fleeting. You'll get over it.
:''[Ursula realizes something]''
:'''Ursula''': Did you just say love?
:'''Mrs. Stanhope''': ''[Scared]'' No.
:'''Ursula''': You did.
:'''Mrs. Stanhope''': Ursula!
:'''Ursula''': You're right.
:'''Mrs. Stanhope''': Don't say it!
:'''Ursula''': I love him. I'm outta here.
:'''Mrs. Stanhope''': Ursula, you can't love him! Arthur, say something!
:'''Mr. Stanhope''': Be careful out there, honey.
:'''Mrs. Stanhope''': What?!
:'''Ursula''': Goodbye, Daddy. ''[Hugs him]''
:'''Mr. Stanhope''': I love you.
:'''Mrs. Stanhope''': What?!
:'''Ursula''': I love you, Mom. Thank you. ''[Leaves]''
:'''Mrs. Stanhope''': Ursula! Arthur, do something!
:'''Mr. Stanhope''': What would you have me do? There's obviously no stopping her.
:'''Mrs. Stanhope''': Oh, God! ''[Drinks a sip of her drink and leaves]'' URSULA!!
:'''Mr. Stanhope''': ''[under his breath]'' God, that woman's a pain in the ass.
:''[Cut back to the jungle]''
:'''Narrator''': Meanwhile, halfway across the road, another ass was feeling pain, as an ape named Ape was caged in a cage, hoping to hear the jungle king's awesome... ''[The sound of George yelling is heard]'' Hey, I'm pretty good at that. ...and wondering if he would ever come. But the motion-sick mammal needn't have moaned, for that defender of the innocent, protector of the weak, and all-around good guy, George of the Jungle, was closer than he knew.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ape''': I'm hungry.
:'''Thor''': Oh, shut up! You've been yakkin' for two days straight, and I'm getting mad enough to...
:'''Ape''': You know, you really should work on your anger. Have you tried Brankowski's &quot;Cage the Rage&quot; technique?
:'''Max''': Don't let him get to you, Thor. He's just an ape.
:'''Ape''': That's a fine way to talk to your meal ticket. You keep that up, it's liable to affect my stage performance.
:'''Max''': Give him a banana, Thor. Won't be long now.
:'''Thor''': That's what you said yesterday. This trail's taking us to the middle of nowhere!
:''[Ape snickers]''
:'''Max''': The sign at the trail head said &quot;Shortcut to Ape River&quot;. Now, why would it say &quot;shortcut&quot; if it wasn't a... ''[Realizes something]'' Wait a minute. Maybe it's a fake. A decoy trail.
:'''Ape''': Very good, Max. Actually, the trail '''is''' a fake. It circles Ape Mountain six times before heading right back to the treehouse.
:'''Thor''': Ohhh! Oh, I knew we was lost!
:'''Max''': Don't listen to him, Thor. He's just trying to trick us, lead us off the shortcut so we take twice as long on the regular trail.
:'''Thor''': We're already taking twice as long!
:'''Max''': Are you gonna let a monkey make a monkey out of you?
:'''Thor''': What?
:'''Ape''': Du-u-u-uh!
:'''Max''': Let's go. If he tells us the shortcut leads to the treehouse, then that's exactly where it doesn't lead.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Thor''': Max, look. We're back at the treehouse.
:'''Ape''': Well, I tried, but you fellas are just too smart for me.
:'''Max''': Oh, no!
:'''Narrator''': &quot;Oh, no!&quot; was right, for the exhausted ape-nappers--
:'''Thor''': Hey! Why don't you say something constructive for a change, like, what should we do now?
:'''Narrator''': Because I don't like you!
:'''Thor''': Well, I hate you, you snotty son of a--!
:'''Narrator''': I'll pretend I didn't hear that. ''[Makes a loud crashing noise; everything else fast forwards for a few seconds]'' Having some fun now, hmm?
:'''Max''': Thor, were you fighting with the narrator?
:'''Thor''': Well, he started it.
:'''Narrator''': Did not.
:'''Thor''': You did too!
:'''Narrator''': Did not!
:'''Thor''': You did too!
:'''Narrator''': Did not!
:'''Thor''': You did too!
:'''Max''': Thor, stop it!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Max''': Let's take care of him.
:''[Max and Thor pick George up and ram him]''
:'''George:''' Huh?
:'''Ape:''' '''WHOA!'''
:''[George's head is wedged into the cage]''
:'''Ape''': Why didn't you come sooner?
:'''George''': Why Ape have little stars around head?
:''[Max and Thor pull George out, tickle him, and ram his head back in]''
:'''Ape''': George, remember everything I told you about Queensbury rules and fighting fair?
:'''George''': Uh-huh.
:'''Ape''': Well, now's a good time to forget it.
:'''Max''': Let's finish him off.
:''[George kicks Max and Thor in the groins]''
:'''Thor''': Oh, I can't breathe, Max!
:'''Max''' Let it out, Thor, let it out!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Max puts George in a Full Nelson and Thor starting tickling George.]''
:'''Thor''': Take this!
:'''George''': Stop it! Ape! ''[laughing]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[at George and Ursula's wedding]''
:'''Mrs. Stanhope''': Arthur, I wish you could do something about all these monkeys. I feel like [[w:Jane Goodall|Jane Goodall]].
:'''Ape''': [[w:Senator, you're no Jack Kennedy|Madam, I knew Jane Goodall, and you are no Jane Goodall.]]

== Cast ==
*[[Brendan Fraser]] - George
*[[w:Leslie Mann|Leslie Mann]] - Ursula
*[[John Cleese]] - Ape (voice)
*[[w:Thomas Haden Church|Thomas Haden Church]] - Lyle Van De Groot
*[[w:Richard Roundtree|Richard Roundtree]] - Kwame
*[[w:Greg Cruttwell|Greg Cruttwell]] - Max
*[[w:Abraham Benrubi|Abraham Benrubi]] - Thor
*[[w:John Bennett Perry|John Bennett Perry]] - Arthur Stanhope
*[[w:Holland Taylor|Holland Taylor]] - Beatrice Stanhope
*[[w:Keith Scott (voice actor)|Keith Scott]] - Narrator
*[[Michael Chinyamurindi]] - N'Dugo

==External links==
{{Wikipedia}}
* {{IMDb title|0119190|George of the Jungle}}

[[Category:1997 films]]
[[Category:Live-action films based on animated series]]
[[Category:Films set in San Francisco]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:American films with live action and animation]]</text>
      <sha1>g7nnccc62a4b092m4g8zoqs7ez7khwo</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Last words in Resident Evil</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>117911</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153669</id>
      <parentid>2997398</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T20:46:37Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>XXzoonamiXX</username>
        <id>694661</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Resident Evil Village */ Elena Lupu</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="23763" xml:space="preserve">Following is a collection of last words spoken by characters in all '''[[Resident Evil]]''' media.

==Films==
*'''Killing me won't make things right.'''
**Who: Major Timothy Cain
**Source: ''[[Resident Evil: Apocalypse]]''
**Note: Said to Alice before as she goes to throw him out of a helicopter into a swarm of zombies below. She replies &quot;No, but it's a start.&quot; and hurls him into the mob. With no way out, Cain makes a last stand before running out of bullets. The zombified Dr. Ashford and the other zombies then maul him to death.
*'''Well, I'll be damned. L.J., you sneaky son of a bitch.'''
**Who: Carlos Olivera
**Source: ''[[Resident Evil: Extinction]]''
**Note: Said after finding a joint before his truck blows up.

==Video games==
===''[[w: Resident Evil|Resident Evil 0]]''===
*'''Rebecca, you must be careful... the forest is full of zombie... and monsters...'''
**Who: Edward Dewey
**Notes: Last words before offscreen death. Next appearance is that as a zombie.

*'''About ten minutes to...'''
**Who: Soldier
**Notes: Last words before being ambushed by leeches.

*'''Wesker...Birkin...'''
*'''We'll see which one of us is gonna die!'''
**Who: James Marcus
**Notes: First line is said after being shot, having been betrayed by Wesker and Birkin about 10 years ago. The Queen Leech brings Marcus back to life, and the second line is said before he turns into the Queen and is killed by Rebecca Chambers and Billy Coen.

===''[[w: Resident Evil (video game)|Resident Evil]]''===
*'''Hey! Come here!'''
**Who: Joseph Frost
**Notes: After finding a severed hand and gun in the bush, Joseph signals the rest of the team, but is then attacked by Cerebuses, or zombie dogs, and devoured.

*'''No! No! Get away from me! No!'''
**Who: Kenneth Sullivan
**Notes: Last words before being attacked and killed by a zombie.

*'''Chris! Chris, stop! No!'''
**Who: Richard Aiken
**Note: Says this to Chris as the Neptune prepares to attack and devour Chris. Richard pushes him out of the way, saving Chris' life, but at the cost of Richard's as the Neptune eats him instead.

*'''Umbrella...'''
**Who: Enrico Marini
**Note: Says this to Chris, believing he was betraying S.T.A.R.S. and Enrico prepares to shoot Chris, but Enrico is then assassinated by an unknown figure who is later revealed to be Wesker.

*'''The S.T.A.R.S. are finished... someone is a traitor... Umbrella set us up...'''
**Who: Enrico Marini
**Note: Says this to Jill, informing her that S.T.A.R.S. has been betrayed, but Enrico is then assassinated by an unknown figure who is later revealed to be Wesker.

*'''Mother...'''
**Who: Lisa Trevor
**Note: Says this upon seeing her mother's corpse in a coffin. Lisa then grabs her mother's skull and jumps into a pit below to her death.

===''[[w:Resident Evil 2|Resident Evil 2]]''===
*'''My chest! Can't... take the... pain!''' (Claire Scenario A)
*'''What the?!''' (Claire Scenerio B)
*'''Damn you, William!''' (Remake)
**Who: Chief Brian Irons
**Note: In Scenario A, Chief Irons has a G-Virus embryo implanted by monster William Birkin. As he says this, the embryo violently bursts out of Irons' body. In Scenario B, Irons says this after hearing a monstrous scream from the mutated William Birkin. Birkin drags Irons by the leg through a trap door from bellow and then rips him in half. In the remake, Irons suffers the same fate as he does in the original version in Claire A.

*'''Arrgh! my chest, it's... burning!!''' (Leon Scenario A)
*'''Get that scum! Make him pay!''' (Leon Scenario B)
*'''C'mon - c'mon, don't be an asshole... OK? You need this! Just get me the fuck outta here!''' (Remake)
**Who: Ben Burtellucci
**Note: In Scenario A, Ben has a G-Virus embryo implanted by monster William Birkin. As he says this, the embryo violently bursts out of Ben's body. In Scenario B, Ben says this to Leon after being mortally wounded by a mutated William Birkin. In the remake, Chief Irons imprisoned Ben because he knows about Irons’ association with Umbrella. As Ben begs for Leon to get him out after revealing this to Leon, Mr. X crashes through the wall of Ben’s cell and grabs him by the skull and crushes it, killing Ben instantly.

*'''That guy's a maniac! Why'd he bite me?!'''
**Who: Unnamed Truck Driver
**Note: Says this to himself after pushing a man away from him after he attacks the truck driver. The truck driver was unaware that the man who attacked him was a zombie. The truck driver later turns into a zombie and tries to run over Leon and Claire as they dodge the zombie, who then crashes into a car, causing a massive explosion that incinerates him.

*'''You should be safe inside here. I'm keeping a close eye on things.'''
*'''Don't you worry girly, you'll be safe in here. I'm keeping a close eye in things.'''
*'''Just go... Just give us some privacy.''' (Remake)
**Who: Robert Kendo
**Note: Says this to either Leon or Claire (depending on the Scenario). Seconds later, a horde of zombies burst through the window of Kendo's gun shop and they attack and kill Kendo. In the remake, Kendo had lost his family due to Umbrella. He says this line to Leon and Ada as he takes his T-Virus infected daughter into a room where he regrettably shoots her. It is unknown what happens to Kendo afterwards as he is not seen again.

*'''Just go!'''
**Who: Marvin Branagh
**Notes: Marvin later on turns into a zombie.

*'''Sherry...''' (Claire Scenario A)
*'''Sherry... You have to escape... I know I've been a terrible mother... but I still love you.''' (Claire Scenario B)
**Who: Annette Birkin
**Notes: In Scenerio A, Annette, who was mortally wounded by her mutated husband William, helps Claire to create an antidote for her daughter, Sherry, who has a G-Virus embryo implanted in her by William. In Scenerio B, after suffering severe cranial damage from falling debris, Annette is later found by her daughter Sherry and dies from her injuries.

*'''Sorry, but I won't just hand over my life's work.'''
*'''G is my creation!''' (Remake)
*Who: William Birkin
**Notes: Says this to the U.S.S. Alpha Team who are trying to collect the G-Virus from Birkin. One of the soldiers shoot Birkin, mortally wounding him after Birkin accidentally knocks over a case that alarms the soldier. Birkin then injects himself with the G-Virus that causes him to mutate into his monstrous form. During the final confrontation with Leon and Claire, they escape from the lab via train which has a self-destruct mechanism in it. Leon and Claire escape from the train and it blows up, taking Birkin with it. In the remake, he says this after injecting himself with the G-Virus.

*'''Noooooo!'''
**Who: U.S.S. Alpha Team Member 1
**Notes: Killed by the mutated Birkin.

*'''Fire... Fire!'''
**Who: U.S.S. Alpha Team Member 2
**Notes: Is also killed by the mutated Birkin.

*'''HELP ME! PLEASE! HELP ME!'''
**Who: Elliot Edward
**Notes: Says this to Leon/Claire while trying to escape a hoard of zombies. As either character tries to help Elliot escape via a shutter, he is gruesomely torn in half by zombies, and later becomes one himself.

===''[[w:Resident Evil 3: Nemesis|Resident Evil 3: Nemesis]]''===
*'''I told you! I'm not leaving! NEVER! Just get away from me!'''
*'''I'm not going anywhere! I'd rather starve to death in here than be eaten by one of those undead monsters! Now leave me alone!''' (Remake)
**Who: Dario Rosso
**Notes: Character had lost his daughter to the zombie outbreak and refused to evacuate with Jill by locking himself in a container. When Jill comes back later, Dario is found being eaten by the zombies.

*'''Jill! Help! NOOOOOOOOO!'''
*'''Then do me a favor and don't fuck up like I did. Go!''' (Remake)
**Who: Brad Vickers
**Notes: In the original, the first line is said before the character is attacked by Nemesis. In the remake, Brad says the second line to Jill after having been bitten by a zombie.

*'''S.T.A.R.S...'''
**Who: Nemesis
**Notes: Repeated line during the game; character is a monster that has been programmed to hunt down members of the S.T.A.R.S. unit for Umbrella. Jill then replies that she will show it &quot;S.T.A.R.S.&quot; before finishing it off.

* '''Well, they want you eliminated for reasons of their own. The amount is modest, but there is a reward to be claimed upon the confirmation of your death.'''
**Who: Nikolai Zinoviev
**Notes: Says this to Jill, as he attempts to kill her. Nikolai is then killed by Nemesis. However, this is only if the player decides to push Nemesis off the bridge earlier in the game. If the player decides to jump off the bridge (the canon path), Nikolai will utter these words, but ultimately survives.

===''[[w:Resident Evil Outbreak|Resident Evil Outbreak: Outbreak]]''===
*'''What are you doing?!'''
**Who: Will
**Notes: Said while being partially eaten by a zombie. Later, more zombies come to eat him, killing him.

*'''Please let me die while my conscience remains...'''
*'''I feel the hunger...'''
**Who: Bob
**Notes: Bob is near to complete infection at the time of the lines. Depending on difficulty, Bob either shoots himself after saying the first line, or turns into a zombie after saying the second line.

====''[[w:Resident Evil: Outbreak|Resident Evil Outbreak: Below Freezing Point]]''====
*'''I don't believe this, something else I have to fix to get out of here.'''
**Who: Monica
**Notes: Said in an elevator before being attack by either William Birkin or another monster. She manages to survive the conflict, but later faints. She has the G-Virus implanted in her and wakes up a short time later before an Embryo bursts out of her chest.

===''[[w:Resident Evil Outbreak|Resident Evil Outbreak: The Hive]]''===
*'''See if this works.'''
**Who: Dr Hursh
**Notes: Said before restoring power to the elevators, after which he is then attacked by a Leechman. He tries to escape, but the Leechman consumes him.

====''[[w:Resident Evil Outbreak|Resident Evil Outbreak: Hellfire]]''====
*'''It's gonna blow!'''
**Who: Charlie
**Notes: Both Len and Charlie are firefighters investigating the boiler room when the boiler blows up. They try to escape, but the blast consumes them both.

*'''Get out!'''
**Who: Len
**Notes: Both Len and Charlie are firefighters investigating the boiler room when the boiler blows up. They try to escape, but the blast consumes them both.

====''[[w:Resident Evil Outbreak|Resident Evil Outbreak: Decisions, Decisions]]''====
*'''Yoko, its been two years. Oh, but you might not know that. After all, what happened was ''so'' terrible, I think you'd want to erase it from your memory...'''
**Who: Greg
**Note: Greg is confronting Yoko, when Nicholai manages to shoot him in the head from above.

====''[[w:Resident Evil Outbreak: File 2#| Resident Evil Outbreak File 2#: Flashback]]''====
*'''I'll never leave your side again.'''
**Who: Albert Lester
**Notes: Driven insane by the T-Virus, the hospital starts to collapse, when he finds his wife's body. He embraces it, saying the line, before both are crushed by debris.

====''[[w:Resident Evil Outbreak: File 2#|Resident Evil Outbreak File 2#: End of the Road]]''====
*'''I told you, there is nothing to -'''
**Who: Carter
**Notes: Line said to Linda concerning the Hunters roaming the facility before being struck down by the Tyrant T-0400TP.

===''[[w: Resident Evil: Code Veronica|Resident Evil: Code Veronica]]''===
*'''Alexia... you're finally awake... Alexia...'''
**Who: Alfred Ashford
**Note: Last words before dying from his wounds and after resurrecting his twin sister, Alexia.

*'''She gave this to me as a token of thanks for saving her, I don't need it any... more.'''
**Who: Rodrigo Juan Raval
**Note: Rodrigo gets swallowed by a gulp worm but is rescued by Chris, but dies from his wounds and hands Chris Claire's lighter.

*'''I'm glad that I met you... I... I love you... Claire...'''
**Who: Steve Burnside
**Note: After being mutated by the T-Veronica virus, Steve tries to kill Claire but later regains his senses and saves her from Alexia's tentacle; only to be impaled in the stomach by the tentacle and revert back to normal. Steve later dies from his wounds (although he may not be dead).

*'''You want it? You are not worthy of its power.'''
**Who: Alexia Ashford
**Notes: Said in response to Wesker's demand for the T-Veronica virus; she then transforms into her first form and attacks Wesker; however, Wesker (following a time-honored tradition) forces Chris (and by extension the player) to destroy her.

===''[[Resident Evil 4]]''===
*'''We'll stay and watch the car. Don't want to get any parking tickets.'''
**Who: Cop with beard
**Note: Last words before their patrol car is pushed over a cliff, into a river by Ganados.

*'''Did you say something?'''
**Who: Cop with glasses
**Note: Last words before their patrol car is pushed over a cliff, into a river by Ganados.

*'''Lord Saddler...'''
**Who: Numerous Ganados
**Note: If a villager Ganado is killed without their head blowing off, they sometimes say this line.

*'''You carry the same blood as us it seems; Nevertheless, you're an outsider. Just remember, if you become unpleasant to our eyes, you'll face severe consequences.'''
**Who: Chief Bitores Mendez
**Note: Only known words when the elephantine strength village chief sees the first stage of Las Plagas infection inside Leon. At the end of the second chapter, Leon fights the mutated Bitores Mendez in a burning barn and despite the odds, kills him and takes his prosthetic eye to get out of the village.

*'''I am a researcher, hired by Saddler. He found out what I was up to. Heh heh. (gives Leon pills) Here. It should suppress growth of the parasite. The sample, Saddler took it. You have to get it back!'''
**Who: Luis Sera
**Note: Last words before dying after Saddler impaled him with his tentacle tail.

*'''I want you to suffer, just like Ashley will.'''
**Who: Ramon Salazar
**Note: Spoken at the beginning of his battle with Leon, which ends with his death.  These aren't really his last words, as he does taunt you ad nauseam during your fight with him.

*'''Prepare for your death, Leon!'''
**Who: Jack Krauser
**Note: Last words before battling Leon, who defeats Krauser in battle.

*[Leon: ''Thanks.  When we get out of here, drinks are on me.'']'''Yeah, I know a good bar!'''
**Who: Mike/Pilot
**Note: After helping Leon out, he is shot down by a rocket launcher by one of Saddler's men.

*'''Oh, I think you know. The American prevailing is a cliche that only happens in your Hollywood movies. Mr. Kennedy, you entertain me. To show my appreciation, I will help you awaken from your world of cliches.'''
**Who: Osmund Saddler
**Note: Last words before turning into a monster form.

===''[[w:Resident Evil: The Umbrella Chronicles|Resident Evil: The Umbrella Chronicles]]''===
*'''No! We are not done ''yet''! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!'''
**Who: Sergei Vladimir
**Note: Said after turning into a monster form, and being shot to death by Albert Wesker.

===''[[w:Resident Evil 5|Resident Evil 5]]''===
*'''You don't know what you're talking about! You can all go to hell!'''
**Who: Reynard Fisher
**Note: Said before being executed by the Majini.

*'''What the fuck are those?! Mathison to HQ! I'm being attacked by flying B.O.W.s! I'm losing engine power! Oh shit! I'm out of control! I'm going down! Mayday! Mayday!'''
**Who: Kirk Mathison
**Note: Said as his helicopter that was aiding Chris and Sheva early in the game is knocked out of the sky by the Kipepeo B.O.W.s. Seconds later, he is killed in the crash and his body is shown charred.

*'''Dying's not so bad. But it doesn't change anything...you're still screwed!'''
**Who: Ricardo Irving
**Note: Character had transformed into a huge mutant monster to battle Chris and Sheva, but was defeated and died soon after.

*'''ALBERT!!'''
**Who: Excella Gionne
**Note: Said before turning into Uroboros Aheri. Had wanted to rule Wesker's &quot;new world&quot; by his side, but was injected with Uroboros by him.

*'''Now my candle burns dimly. Ironic, isn't it? For one who has the right to be a god! To face his own mortality...'''
**Who: Ozwell E. Spencer
**Note: Said before being killed by Wesker.

*'''''CHRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSS!!'''''
**Who: Albert Wesker
**Note: Said before grabbing the helicopter Chris is escaping in with a tentacle. Chris and Sheva then fire two rockets at him, which cause a massive explosion in the lava that incinerates Wesker.

===''[[w:Resident Evil 6|Resident Evil 6]]''===
*'''Captain...'''
**Who: Finn Macauley
**Note: Character gets infected by Carla Radames' C-Virus darts and cries this out to Chris before he his cocooned into a Napad B.O.W..

*'''Dad...'''
**Who: Liz
**Note: Character dies and then shortly comes back as a zombie after having been infected by the C-Virus. She eats her father alive before being killed by Helena.

*'''Liz?'''
**Who: Liz's father
**Note: Character was trying to save his daughter Liz, but she succumbs to the C-Virus, becomes a zombie, and kills him.

*'''No! Stay back! Get the hell away from me! NOOOO!!!'''
**Who: Peter
**Note: Character tried to escape a gun shop, but was killed by a zombie that had mutated into a Bloodshot.

*&quot;'''Dammit! Dammit! Pops! Hold on, I'm coming Pops!'''&quot;
**Who: Unnamed Japanese man
**Note: Character has been pulled out of the escape bus by zombies and is eaten alive.

*'''You coming with me, son? Fine, I'll buy you a drink in hell, boy!'''
**Who: Unnamed gun shop owner
**Note: Character has been pulled out of the escape bus by zombies and is eaten alive.

*'''No! No-!'''
**Who: Nancy
**Note: Said while getting eaten by zombies after the escape bus has stopped on a cliff edge just outside the Tall Oaks Cathedral.

*'''No! Help me! Please God, help!'''
**Who: Rookie police officer
**Note: Said while getting eaten by zombies after the escape bus has stopped on a cliff edge just outside the Tall Oaks Cathedral.

*'''Son of a- Get off me!'''
**Who: Bus driver
**Note: Said while trying to fight off zombies after the escape bus has stopped on a cliff edge just outside the Tall Oaks Cathedral. He is then killed in a firey explosion after the bus falls off the cliff.

*'''Helena?'''
**Who: Deborah Harper
**Note: Said when found by her older sister Helena. Deborah then succumbs to the C-Virus, which was she injected with by Derek C. Simmons, and mutates into a B.O.W., which forces Helena, Leon, and Ada to kill her. After their fight in the Catacombs of the Tall Oaks Cathedral, Deborah staggers blindly off the edge of a cliff, only for Helena quickly grabs her hand. Helena then promises that she will avenge her sister, begs for forgiveness, and releases Deborah to fall to her death.

*'''No! NOOOO!!!'''
**Who: Derek C. Simmons
**Note: Character had been infected with C-Virus by Carla, and began mutating into a B.O.W. He says this line when Ada impaled him with a crossbow arrow and throws him off a platform in the Quad Tower and into a pit of fire. Simmons shortly returns, now having mutated into a giant insect monster, before Leon and Helena blow him up with a rocket launcher. Simmons reverts back to his human form, as he falls and is impaled by the obelisk in the courtyard of the tower, finally killing Simmons for good.

*'''Just go!'''
**Who: Piers Nivans
**Note: Said imploring Chris Redfield to leave him behind, knowing that he had infected himself with the C-Virus. Chris hoped to figure something out at the escape pods, but Piers does not board the escape with his superior. Chris yelled from his end &quot;Piers! No, don't do this! Open the door! Goddammit, listen to me! We can still both get outta here, there's still time!&quot; Piers readies the escape pod to launch while Chris pleads &quot;What are you doing? No, Piers, don't! You can still make it out! GODDAMMIT, PIERS!&quot; With launch finalized, Chris screams helplessly, &quot;NOOOOO! Piers, open the goddamn door, that's an order!&quot; As the pod leaves, Chris cries out to his partner while Piers stays behind as the underwater Neo Umbrella base caves in.

===''[[w:Resident Evil Revelations|Resident Evil Revelations]]''===
*'''Done... everything finished... finally, I can die. I... can die....'''
**Who: Jack Norman
**Note: Said after his T-Abyss Tyrant-like form is defeated by Jill and Chris in his underwater Queen Dido hideout. After this, he collapses dead while he winds up burning his Veltro banner.

===''[[w:Resident Evil Revelations 2|Resident Evil Revelations 2]]''===
*'''You could help me... It's not too late...'''
**Who: Neil Fisher
**Note: Said as his infected Uroboros Tyrant-like form is trying to entice Claire Redfield to his cause. Thankfully, Moira overcomes her guilt and fear of guns, picks up Claire's handgun and yells &quot;GO JUMP ON A DILDO, BOSS!&quot; shooting him several times until he drops dead.

===''[[w:Resident Evil 7: Biohazard|Resident Evil 7]]''===

*'''Not hillbillies. The Bakers. Jack and Marguerite Baker. And they were quiet, not backward. Lot of bad rumors about their son, Lucas. Bad seed, apparently.'''
**Who: Andre Strickland
**Note: Character is killed off-screen by Jack Baker.

*'''Come on!'''
**Who: Peter Walken
**Note: Character is impaled and then decapitated by Mia Winters while trying to free Clancy Jarvis.

*'''No no no! You can't be serious... Don't kill me! Don't kill me! Don't ki-'''
**Who: Hoffman
**Note: Said before being electrocuted by Lucas Baker after losing a game of Blackjack to Clancy. This only renders Hoffman unconscious, but he soon wakes up and is killed by a saw.

*'''Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Oh man! Fuck! Fuck!'''
**Who: Clancy Jarvis
**Note: Said while being burned to death in Lucas' &quot;Happy Birthday&quot; room.

*'''Hey. Put that door back up. Put that door back up! What are you doing?'''
**Who: David Anderson
**Note: Said before being decapitated from behind by Jack while shouting at Ethan Winters to re-open the garage door.

*'''Oh yeah, oh yeah! That's real nice!'''
*'''Ethan, free my family - please.'''
**Who: Jack Baker
**Character is killed after Ethan uses the serum on him, fully crystalizing Jack as he says the first line. Ethan later re-encounters Jack's spirit in a dream after being captured by Eveline, and in his second line, Jack begs Ethan to free his family from Eveline's control. Jack comes back to life in ''End of Zoe'', but is finally killed for good by his own brother, Joe.

*'''Don't touch me!'''
**Who: Alan Douglas
**Note: Character is killed by Eveline after calling her a &quot;bitch&quot;.

*'''I just wanted a family.'''
**Who: Eveline
**Note: Said before Ethan finishes her off with the Albert-01.

*'''Fuck! My head - my head!'''
**Who: Lucas Baker
**Note: Said after he mutates. Character is killed by Chris Redfield.

===''[[w: Resident Evil Village|Resident Evil Village]]''===
*'''Ethan, go...Save your daughter!'''
**Who: Elena Lupu
**Note: Said this to Ethan Winters before falling into the fiery depths below

*'''Curse you!'''
**Who: Alcina Dimitrescu
**Note: Said shortly before being killed by Ethan Winters in her mutated form.

*'''Stupid idiot! What are you doing to my cute friends!?'''
**Who: Donna Beneviento
**Note: Spoken through her doll, Angie, before she is killed by Ethan Winters. 

*'''H-Help me! Mother! Maaaaaaaaaaaaa-!'''
**Who: Salvatore Moreau
**Note: Said as he is being killed by Ethan Winters in his monster form. 

*'''No, no! This can't be the end for me! I...must...kill her!'''
**Who: Karl Heisenberg
**Note: Spoken as Ethan Winters kills him in his cybernetic form.

*'''My daughter...My Eva!'''
**Who: Mother Miranda
**Note: Said while being killed by Ethan Winters in her final mutated form.

*'''Goodbye, Rosemary.'''
**Who: Ethan Winters
**Note: Said to his infant daughter before detonating the bomb Chris Redfield planted, sacrificing himself to destroy the mutamycete.

[[Category:Fictional last words|Resident Evil]]</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153670</id>
      <parentid>3153669</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T20:47:00Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>XXzoonamiXX</username>
        <id>694661</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
      <comment>/* Resident Evil Village */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="23764" xml:space="preserve">Following is a collection of last words spoken by characters in all '''[[Resident Evil]]''' media.

==Films==
*'''Killing me won't make things right.'''
**Who: Major Timothy Cain
**Source: ''[[Resident Evil: Apocalypse]]''
**Note: Said to Alice before as she goes to throw him out of a helicopter into a swarm of zombies below. She replies &quot;No, but it's a start.&quot; and hurls him into the mob. With no way out, Cain makes a last stand before running out of bullets. The zombified Dr. Ashford and the other zombies then maul him to death.
*'''Well, I'll be damned. L.J., you sneaky son of a bitch.'''
**Who: Carlos Olivera
**Source: ''[[Resident Evil: Extinction]]''
**Note: Said after finding a joint before his truck blows up.

==Video games==
===''[[w: Resident Evil|Resident Evil 0]]''===
*'''Rebecca, you must be careful... the forest is full of zombie... and monsters...'''
**Who: Edward Dewey
**Notes: Last words before offscreen death. Next appearance is that as a zombie.

*'''About ten minutes to...'''
**Who: Soldier
**Notes: Last words before being ambushed by leeches.

*'''Wesker...Birkin...'''
*'''We'll see which one of us is gonna die!'''
**Who: James Marcus
**Notes: First line is said after being shot, having been betrayed by Wesker and Birkin about 10 years ago. The Queen Leech brings Marcus back to life, and the second line is said before he turns into the Queen and is killed by Rebecca Chambers and Billy Coen.

===''[[w: Resident Evil (video game)|Resident Evil]]''===
*'''Hey! Come here!'''
**Who: Joseph Frost
**Notes: After finding a severed hand and gun in the bush, Joseph signals the rest of the team, but is then attacked by Cerebuses, or zombie dogs, and devoured.

*'''No! No! Get away from me! No!'''
**Who: Kenneth Sullivan
**Notes: Last words before being attacked and killed by a zombie.

*'''Chris! Chris, stop! No!'''
**Who: Richard Aiken
**Note: Says this to Chris as the Neptune prepares to attack and devour Chris. Richard pushes him out of the way, saving Chris' life, but at the cost of Richard's as the Neptune eats him instead.

*'''Umbrella...'''
**Who: Enrico Marini
**Note: Says this to Chris, believing he was betraying S.T.A.R.S. and Enrico prepares to shoot Chris, but Enrico is then assassinated by an unknown figure who is later revealed to be Wesker.

*'''The S.T.A.R.S. are finished... someone is a traitor... Umbrella set us up...'''
**Who: Enrico Marini
**Note: Says this to Jill, informing her that S.T.A.R.S. has been betrayed, but Enrico is then assassinated by an unknown figure who is later revealed to be Wesker.

*'''Mother...'''
**Who: Lisa Trevor
**Note: Says this upon seeing her mother's corpse in a coffin. Lisa then grabs her mother's skull and jumps into a pit below to her death.

===''[[w:Resident Evil 2|Resident Evil 2]]''===
*'''My chest! Can't... take the... pain!''' (Claire Scenario A)
*'''What the?!''' (Claire Scenerio B)
*'''Damn you, William!''' (Remake)
**Who: Chief Brian Irons
**Note: In Scenario A, Chief Irons has a G-Virus embryo implanted by monster William Birkin. As he says this, the embryo violently bursts out of Irons' body. In Scenario B, Irons says this after hearing a monstrous scream from the mutated William Birkin. Birkin drags Irons by the leg through a trap door from bellow and then rips him in half. In the remake, Irons suffers the same fate as he does in the original version in Claire A.

*'''Arrgh! my chest, it's... burning!!''' (Leon Scenario A)
*'''Get that scum! Make him pay!''' (Leon Scenario B)
*'''C'mon - c'mon, don't be an asshole... OK? You need this! Just get me the fuck outta here!''' (Remake)
**Who: Ben Burtellucci
**Note: In Scenario A, Ben has a G-Virus embryo implanted by monster William Birkin. As he says this, the embryo violently bursts out of Ben's body. In Scenario B, Ben says this to Leon after being mortally wounded by a mutated William Birkin. In the remake, Chief Irons imprisoned Ben because he knows about Irons’ association with Umbrella. As Ben begs for Leon to get him out after revealing this to Leon, Mr. X crashes through the wall of Ben’s cell and grabs him by the skull and crushes it, killing Ben instantly.

*'''That guy's a maniac! Why'd he bite me?!'''
**Who: Unnamed Truck Driver
**Note: Says this to himself after pushing a man away from him after he attacks the truck driver. The truck driver was unaware that the man who attacked him was a zombie. The truck driver later turns into a zombie and tries to run over Leon and Claire as they dodge the zombie, who then crashes into a car, causing a massive explosion that incinerates him.

*'''You should be safe inside here. I'm keeping a close eye on things.'''
*'''Don't you worry girly, you'll be safe in here. I'm keeping a close eye in things.'''
*'''Just go... Just give us some privacy.''' (Remake)
**Who: Robert Kendo
**Note: Says this to either Leon or Claire (depending on the Scenario). Seconds later, a horde of zombies burst through the window of Kendo's gun shop and they attack and kill Kendo. In the remake, Kendo had lost his family due to Umbrella. He says this line to Leon and Ada as he takes his T-Virus infected daughter into a room where he regrettably shoots her. It is unknown what happens to Kendo afterwards as he is not seen again.

*'''Just go!'''
**Who: Marvin Branagh
**Notes: Marvin later on turns into a zombie.

*'''Sherry...''' (Claire Scenario A)
*'''Sherry... You have to escape... I know I've been a terrible mother... but I still love you.''' (Claire Scenario B)
**Who: Annette Birkin
**Notes: In Scenerio A, Annette, who was mortally wounded by her mutated husband William, helps Claire to create an antidote for her daughter, Sherry, who has a G-Virus embryo implanted in her by William. In Scenerio B, after suffering severe cranial damage from falling debris, Annette is later found by her daughter Sherry and dies from her injuries.

*'''Sorry, but I won't just hand over my life's work.'''
*'''G is my creation!''' (Remake)
*Who: William Birkin
**Notes: Says this to the U.S.S. Alpha Team who are trying to collect the G-Virus from Birkin. One of the soldiers shoot Birkin, mortally wounding him after Birkin accidentally knocks over a case that alarms the soldier. Birkin then injects himself with the G-Virus that causes him to mutate into his monstrous form. During the final confrontation with Leon and Claire, they escape from the lab via train which has a self-destruct mechanism in it. Leon and Claire escape from the train and it blows up, taking Birkin with it. In the remake, he says this after injecting himself with the G-Virus.

*'''Noooooo!'''
**Who: U.S.S. Alpha Team Member 1
**Notes: Killed by the mutated Birkin.

*'''Fire... Fire!'''
**Who: U.S.S. Alpha Team Member 2
**Notes: Is also killed by the mutated Birkin.

*'''HELP ME! PLEASE! HELP ME!'''
**Who: Elliot Edward
**Notes: Says this to Leon/Claire while trying to escape a hoard of zombies. As either character tries to help Elliot escape via a shutter, he is gruesomely torn in half by zombies, and later becomes one himself.

===''[[w:Resident Evil 3: Nemesis|Resident Evil 3: Nemesis]]''===
*'''I told you! I'm not leaving! NEVER! Just get away from me!'''
*'''I'm not going anywhere! I'd rather starve to death in here than be eaten by one of those undead monsters! Now leave me alone!''' (Remake)
**Who: Dario Rosso
**Notes: Character had lost his daughter to the zombie outbreak and refused to evacuate with Jill by locking himself in a container. When Jill comes back later, Dario is found being eaten by the zombies.

*'''Jill! Help! NOOOOOOOOO!'''
*'''Then do me a favor and don't fuck up like I did. Go!''' (Remake)
**Who: Brad Vickers
**Notes: In the original, the first line is said before the character is attacked by Nemesis. In the remake, Brad says the second line to Jill after having been bitten by a zombie.

*'''S.T.A.R.S...'''
**Who: Nemesis
**Notes: Repeated line during the game; character is a monster that has been programmed to hunt down members of the S.T.A.R.S. unit for Umbrella. Jill then replies that she will show it &quot;S.T.A.R.S.&quot; before finishing it off.

* '''Well, they want you eliminated for reasons of their own. The amount is modest, but there is a reward to be claimed upon the confirmation of your death.'''
**Who: Nikolai Zinoviev
**Notes: Says this to Jill, as he attempts to kill her. Nikolai is then killed by Nemesis. However, this is only if the player decides to push Nemesis off the bridge earlier in the game. If the player decides to jump off the bridge (the canon path), Nikolai will utter these words, but ultimately survives.

===''[[w:Resident Evil Outbreak|Resident Evil Outbreak: Outbreak]]''===
*'''What are you doing?!'''
**Who: Will
**Notes: Said while being partially eaten by a zombie. Later, more zombies come to eat him, killing him.

*'''Please let me die while my conscience remains...'''
*'''I feel the hunger...'''
**Who: Bob
**Notes: Bob is near to complete infection at the time of the lines. Depending on difficulty, Bob either shoots himself after saying the first line, or turns into a zombie after saying the second line.

====''[[w:Resident Evil: Outbreak|Resident Evil Outbreak: Below Freezing Point]]''====
*'''I don't believe this, something else I have to fix to get out of here.'''
**Who: Monica
**Notes: Said in an elevator before being attack by either William Birkin or another monster. She manages to survive the conflict, but later faints. She has the G-Virus implanted in her and wakes up a short time later before an Embryo bursts out of her chest.

===''[[w:Resident Evil Outbreak|Resident Evil Outbreak: The Hive]]''===
*'''See if this works.'''
**Who: Dr Hursh
**Notes: Said before restoring power to the elevators, after which he is then attacked by a Leechman. He tries to escape, but the Leechman consumes him.

====''[[w:Resident Evil Outbreak|Resident Evil Outbreak: Hellfire]]''====
*'''It's gonna blow!'''
**Who: Charlie
**Notes: Both Len and Charlie are firefighters investigating the boiler room when the boiler blows up. They try to escape, but the blast consumes them both.

*'''Get out!'''
**Who: Len
**Notes: Both Len and Charlie are firefighters investigating the boiler room when the boiler blows up. They try to escape, but the blast consumes them both.

====''[[w:Resident Evil Outbreak|Resident Evil Outbreak: Decisions, Decisions]]''====
*'''Yoko, its been two years. Oh, but you might not know that. After all, what happened was ''so'' terrible, I think you'd want to erase it from your memory...'''
**Who: Greg
**Note: Greg is confronting Yoko, when Nicholai manages to shoot him in the head from above.

====''[[w:Resident Evil Outbreak: File 2#| Resident Evil Outbreak File 2#: Flashback]]''====
*'''I'll never leave your side again.'''
**Who: Albert Lester
**Notes: Driven insane by the T-Virus, the hospital starts to collapse, when he finds his wife's body. He embraces it, saying the line, before both are crushed by debris.

====''[[w:Resident Evil Outbreak: File 2#|Resident Evil Outbreak File 2#: End of the Road]]''====
*'''I told you, there is nothing to -'''
**Who: Carter
**Notes: Line said to Linda concerning the Hunters roaming the facility before being struck down by the Tyrant T-0400TP.

===''[[w: Resident Evil: Code Veronica|Resident Evil: Code Veronica]]''===
*'''Alexia... you're finally awake... Alexia...'''
**Who: Alfred Ashford
**Note: Last words before dying from his wounds and after resurrecting his twin sister, Alexia.

*'''She gave this to me as a token of thanks for saving her, I don't need it any... more.'''
**Who: Rodrigo Juan Raval
**Note: Rodrigo gets swallowed by a gulp worm but is rescued by Chris, but dies from his wounds and hands Chris Claire's lighter.

*'''I'm glad that I met you... I... I love you... Claire...'''
**Who: Steve Burnside
**Note: After being mutated by the T-Veronica virus, Steve tries to kill Claire but later regains his senses and saves her from Alexia's tentacle; only to be impaled in the stomach by the tentacle and revert back to normal. Steve later dies from his wounds (although he may not be dead).

*'''You want it? You are not worthy of its power.'''
**Who: Alexia Ashford
**Notes: Said in response to Wesker's demand for the T-Veronica virus; she then transforms into her first form and attacks Wesker; however, Wesker (following a time-honored tradition) forces Chris (and by extension the player) to destroy her.

===''[[Resident Evil 4]]''===
*'''We'll stay and watch the car. Don't want to get any parking tickets.'''
**Who: Cop with beard
**Note: Last words before their patrol car is pushed over a cliff, into a river by Ganados.

*'''Did you say something?'''
**Who: Cop with glasses
**Note: Last words before their patrol car is pushed over a cliff, into a river by Ganados.

*'''Lord Saddler...'''
**Who: Numerous Ganados
**Note: If a villager Ganado is killed without their head blowing off, they sometimes say this line.

*'''You carry the same blood as us it seems; Nevertheless, you're an outsider. Just remember, if you become unpleasant to our eyes, you'll face severe consequences.'''
**Who: Chief Bitores Mendez
**Note: Only known words when the elephantine strength village chief sees the first stage of Las Plagas infection inside Leon. At the end of the second chapter, Leon fights the mutated Bitores Mendez in a burning barn and despite the odds, kills him and takes his prosthetic eye to get out of the village.

*'''I am a researcher, hired by Saddler. He found out what I was up to. Heh heh. (gives Leon pills) Here. It should suppress growth of the parasite. The sample, Saddler took it. You have to get it back!'''
**Who: Luis Sera
**Note: Last words before dying after Saddler impaled him with his tentacle tail.

*'''I want you to suffer, just like Ashley will.'''
**Who: Ramon Salazar
**Note: Spoken at the beginning of his battle with Leon, which ends with his death.  These aren't really his last words, as he does taunt you ad nauseam during your fight with him.

*'''Prepare for your death, Leon!'''
**Who: Jack Krauser
**Note: Last words before battling Leon, who defeats Krauser in battle.

*[Leon: ''Thanks.  When we get out of here, drinks are on me.'']'''Yeah, I know a good bar!'''
**Who: Mike/Pilot
**Note: After helping Leon out, he is shot down by a rocket launcher by one of Saddler's men.

*'''Oh, I think you know. The American prevailing is a cliche that only happens in your Hollywood movies. Mr. Kennedy, you entertain me. To show my appreciation, I will help you awaken from your world of cliches.'''
**Who: Osmund Saddler
**Note: Last words before turning into a monster form.

===''[[w:Resident Evil: The Umbrella Chronicles|Resident Evil: The Umbrella Chronicles]]''===
*'''No! We are not done ''yet''! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!'''
**Who: Sergei Vladimir
**Note: Said after turning into a monster form, and being shot to death by Albert Wesker.

===''[[w:Resident Evil 5|Resident Evil 5]]''===
*'''You don't know what you're talking about! You can all go to hell!'''
**Who: Reynard Fisher
**Note: Said before being executed by the Majini.

*'''What the fuck are those?! Mathison to HQ! I'm being attacked by flying B.O.W.s! I'm losing engine power! Oh shit! I'm out of control! I'm going down! Mayday! Mayday!'''
**Who: Kirk Mathison
**Note: Said as his helicopter that was aiding Chris and Sheva early in the game is knocked out of the sky by the Kipepeo B.O.W.s. Seconds later, he is killed in the crash and his body is shown charred.

*'''Dying's not so bad. But it doesn't change anything...you're still screwed!'''
**Who: Ricardo Irving
**Note: Character had transformed into a huge mutant monster to battle Chris and Sheva, but was defeated and died soon after.

*'''ALBERT!!'''
**Who: Excella Gionne
**Note: Said before turning into Uroboros Aheri. Had wanted to rule Wesker's &quot;new world&quot; by his side, but was injected with Uroboros by him.

*'''Now my candle burns dimly. Ironic, isn't it? For one who has the right to be a god! To face his own mortality...'''
**Who: Ozwell E. Spencer
**Note: Said before being killed by Wesker.

*'''''CHRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSS!!'''''
**Who: Albert Wesker
**Note: Said before grabbing the helicopter Chris is escaping in with a tentacle. Chris and Sheva then fire two rockets at him, which cause a massive explosion in the lava that incinerates Wesker.

===''[[w:Resident Evil 6|Resident Evil 6]]''===
*'''Captain...'''
**Who: Finn Macauley
**Note: Character gets infected by Carla Radames' C-Virus darts and cries this out to Chris before he his cocooned into a Napad B.O.W..

*'''Dad...'''
**Who: Liz
**Note: Character dies and then shortly comes back as a zombie after having been infected by the C-Virus. She eats her father alive before being killed by Helena.

*'''Liz?'''
**Who: Liz's father
**Note: Character was trying to save his daughter Liz, but she succumbs to the C-Virus, becomes a zombie, and kills him.

*'''No! Stay back! Get the hell away from me! NOOOO!!!'''
**Who: Peter
**Note: Character tried to escape a gun shop, but was killed by a zombie that had mutated into a Bloodshot.

*&quot;'''Dammit! Dammit! Pops! Hold on, I'm coming Pops!'''&quot;
**Who: Unnamed Japanese man
**Note: Character has been pulled out of the escape bus by zombies and is eaten alive.

*'''You coming with me, son? Fine, I'll buy you a drink in hell, boy!'''
**Who: Unnamed gun shop owner
**Note: Character has been pulled out of the escape bus by zombies and is eaten alive.

*'''No! No-!'''
**Who: Nancy
**Note: Said while getting eaten by zombies after the escape bus has stopped on a cliff edge just outside the Tall Oaks Cathedral.

*'''No! Help me! Please God, help!'''
**Who: Rookie police officer
**Note: Said while getting eaten by zombies after the escape bus has stopped on a cliff edge just outside the Tall Oaks Cathedral.

*'''Son of a- Get off me!'''
**Who: Bus driver
**Note: Said while trying to fight off zombies after the escape bus has stopped on a cliff edge just outside the Tall Oaks Cathedral. He is then killed in a firey explosion after the bus falls off the cliff.

*'''Helena?'''
**Who: Deborah Harper
**Note: Said when found by her older sister Helena. Deborah then succumbs to the C-Virus, which was she injected with by Derek C. Simmons, and mutates into a B.O.W., which forces Helena, Leon, and Ada to kill her. After their fight in the Catacombs of the Tall Oaks Cathedral, Deborah staggers blindly off the edge of a cliff, only for Helena quickly grabs her hand. Helena then promises that she will avenge her sister, begs for forgiveness, and releases Deborah to fall to her death.

*'''No! NOOOO!!!'''
**Who: Derek C. Simmons
**Note: Character had been infected with C-Virus by Carla, and began mutating into a B.O.W. He says this line when Ada impaled him with a crossbow arrow and throws him off a platform in the Quad Tower and into a pit of fire. Simmons shortly returns, now having mutated into a giant insect monster, before Leon and Helena blow him up with a rocket launcher. Simmons reverts back to his human form, as he falls and is impaled by the obelisk in the courtyard of the tower, finally killing Simmons for good.

*'''Just go!'''
**Who: Piers Nivans
**Note: Said imploring Chris Redfield to leave him behind, knowing that he had infected himself with the C-Virus. Chris hoped to figure something out at the escape pods, but Piers does not board the escape with his superior. Chris yelled from his end &quot;Piers! No, don't do this! Open the door! Goddammit, listen to me! We can still both get outta here, there's still time!&quot; Piers readies the escape pod to launch while Chris pleads &quot;What are you doing? No, Piers, don't! You can still make it out! GODDAMMIT, PIERS!&quot; With launch finalized, Chris screams helplessly, &quot;NOOOOO! Piers, open the goddamn door, that's an order!&quot; As the pod leaves, Chris cries out to his partner while Piers stays behind as the underwater Neo Umbrella base caves in.

===''[[w:Resident Evil Revelations|Resident Evil Revelations]]''===
*'''Done... everything finished... finally, I can die. I... can die....'''
**Who: Jack Norman
**Note: Said after his T-Abyss Tyrant-like form is defeated by Jill and Chris in his underwater Queen Dido hideout. After this, he collapses dead while he winds up burning his Veltro banner.

===''[[w:Resident Evil Revelations 2|Resident Evil Revelations 2]]''===
*'''You could help me... It's not too late...'''
**Who: Neil Fisher
**Note: Said as his infected Uroboros Tyrant-like form is trying to entice Claire Redfield to his cause. Thankfully, Moira overcomes her guilt and fear of guns, picks up Claire's handgun and yells &quot;GO JUMP ON A DILDO, BOSS!&quot; shooting him several times until he drops dead.

===''[[w:Resident Evil 7: Biohazard|Resident Evil 7]]''===

*'''Not hillbillies. The Bakers. Jack and Marguerite Baker. And they were quiet, not backward. Lot of bad rumors about their son, Lucas. Bad seed, apparently.'''
**Who: Andre Strickland
**Note: Character is killed off-screen by Jack Baker.

*'''Come on!'''
**Who: Peter Walken
**Note: Character is impaled and then decapitated by Mia Winters while trying to free Clancy Jarvis.

*'''No no no! You can't be serious... Don't kill me! Don't kill me! Don't ki-'''
**Who: Hoffman
**Note: Said before being electrocuted by Lucas Baker after losing a game of Blackjack to Clancy. This only renders Hoffman unconscious, but he soon wakes up and is killed by a saw.

*'''Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Oh man! Fuck! Fuck!'''
**Who: Clancy Jarvis
**Note: Said while being burned to death in Lucas' &quot;Happy Birthday&quot; room.

*'''Hey. Put that door back up. Put that door back up! What are you doing?'''
**Who: David Anderson
**Note: Said before being decapitated from behind by Jack while shouting at Ethan Winters to re-open the garage door.

*'''Oh yeah, oh yeah! That's real nice!'''
*'''Ethan, free my family - please.'''
**Who: Jack Baker
**Character is killed after Ethan uses the serum on him, fully crystalizing Jack as he says the first line. Ethan later re-encounters Jack's spirit in a dream after being captured by Eveline, and in his second line, Jack begs Ethan to free his family from Eveline's control. Jack comes back to life in ''End of Zoe'', but is finally killed for good by his own brother, Joe.

*'''Don't touch me!'''
**Who: Alan Douglas
**Note: Character is killed by Eveline after calling her a &quot;bitch&quot;.

*'''I just wanted a family.'''
**Who: Eveline
**Note: Said before Ethan finishes her off with the Albert-01.

*'''Fuck! My head - my head!'''
**Who: Lucas Baker
**Note: Said after he mutates. Character is killed by Chris Redfield.

===''[[w: Resident Evil Village|Resident Evil Village]]''===
*'''Ethan, go...Save your daughter!'''
**Who: Elena Lupu
**Note: Said this to Ethan Winters before falling into the fiery depths below.

*'''Curse you!'''
**Who: Alcina Dimitrescu
**Note: Said shortly before being killed by Ethan Winters in her mutated form.

*'''Stupid idiot! What are you doing to my cute friends!?'''
**Who: Donna Beneviento
**Note: Spoken through her doll, Angie, before she is killed by Ethan Winters. 

*'''H-Help me! Mother! Maaaaaaaaaaaaa-!'''
**Who: Salvatore Moreau
**Note: Said as he is being killed by Ethan Winters in his monster form. 

*'''No, no! This can't be the end for me! I...must...kill her!'''
**Who: Karl Heisenberg
**Note: Spoken as Ethan Winters kills him in his cybernetic form.

*'''My daughter...My Eva!'''
**Who: Mother Miranda
**Note: Said while being killed by Ethan Winters in her final mutated form.

*'''Goodbye, Rosemary.'''
**Who: Ethan Winters
**Note: Said to his infant daughter before detonating the bomb Chris Redfield planted, sacrificing himself to destroy the mutamycete.

[[Category:Fictional last words|Resident Evil]]</text>
      <sha1>k9i3ctxpkauz1k4z6x3ai64nf1st8do</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153689</id>
      <parentid>3153670</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T21:26:43Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>XXzoonamiXX</username>
        <id>694661</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Resident Evil Village */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="23796" xml:space="preserve">Following is a collection of last words spoken by characters in all '''[[Resident Evil]]''' media.

==Films==
*'''Killing me won't make things right.'''
**Who: Major Timothy Cain
**Source: ''[[Resident Evil: Apocalypse]]''
**Note: Said to Alice before as she goes to throw him out of a helicopter into a swarm of zombies below. She replies &quot;No, but it's a start.&quot; and hurls him into the mob. With no way out, Cain makes a last stand before running out of bullets. The zombified Dr. Ashford and the other zombies then maul him to death.
*'''Well, I'll be damned. L.J., you sneaky son of a bitch.'''
**Who: Carlos Olivera
**Source: ''[[Resident Evil: Extinction]]''
**Note: Said after finding a joint before his truck blows up.

==Video games==
===''[[w: Resident Evil|Resident Evil 0]]''===
*'''Rebecca, you must be careful... the forest is full of zombie... and monsters...'''
**Who: Edward Dewey
**Notes: Last words before offscreen death. Next appearance is that as a zombie.

*'''About ten minutes to...'''
**Who: Soldier
**Notes: Last words before being ambushed by leeches.

*'''Wesker...Birkin...'''
*'''We'll see which one of us is gonna die!'''
**Who: James Marcus
**Notes: First line is said after being shot, having been betrayed by Wesker and Birkin about 10 years ago. The Queen Leech brings Marcus back to life, and the second line is said before he turns into the Queen and is killed by Rebecca Chambers and Billy Coen.

===''[[w: Resident Evil (video game)|Resident Evil]]''===
*'''Hey! Come here!'''
**Who: Joseph Frost
**Notes: After finding a severed hand and gun in the bush, Joseph signals the rest of the team, but is then attacked by Cerebuses, or zombie dogs, and devoured.

*'''No! No! Get away from me! No!'''
**Who: Kenneth Sullivan
**Notes: Last words before being attacked and killed by a zombie.

*'''Chris! Chris, stop! No!'''
**Who: Richard Aiken
**Note: Says this to Chris as the Neptune prepares to attack and devour Chris. Richard pushes him out of the way, saving Chris' life, but at the cost of Richard's as the Neptune eats him instead.

*'''Umbrella...'''
**Who: Enrico Marini
**Note: Says this to Chris, believing he was betraying S.T.A.R.S. and Enrico prepares to shoot Chris, but Enrico is then assassinated by an unknown figure who is later revealed to be Wesker.

*'''The S.T.A.R.S. are finished... someone is a traitor... Umbrella set us up...'''
**Who: Enrico Marini
**Note: Says this to Jill, informing her that S.T.A.R.S. has been betrayed, but Enrico is then assassinated by an unknown figure who is later revealed to be Wesker.

*'''Mother...'''
**Who: Lisa Trevor
**Note: Says this upon seeing her mother's corpse in a coffin. Lisa then grabs her mother's skull and jumps into a pit below to her death.

===''[[w:Resident Evil 2|Resident Evil 2]]''===
*'''My chest! Can't... take the... pain!''' (Claire Scenario A)
*'''What the?!''' (Claire Scenerio B)
*'''Damn you, William!''' (Remake)
**Who: Chief Brian Irons
**Note: In Scenario A, Chief Irons has a G-Virus embryo implanted by monster William Birkin. As he says this, the embryo violently bursts out of Irons' body. In Scenario B, Irons says this after hearing a monstrous scream from the mutated William Birkin. Birkin drags Irons by the leg through a trap door from bellow and then rips him in half. In the remake, Irons suffers the same fate as he does in the original version in Claire A.

*'''Arrgh! my chest, it's... burning!!''' (Leon Scenario A)
*'''Get that scum! Make him pay!''' (Leon Scenario B)
*'''C'mon - c'mon, don't be an asshole... OK? You need this! Just get me the fuck outta here!''' (Remake)
**Who: Ben Burtellucci
**Note: In Scenario A, Ben has a G-Virus embryo implanted by monster William Birkin. As he says this, the embryo violently bursts out of Ben's body. In Scenario B, Ben says this to Leon after being mortally wounded by a mutated William Birkin. In the remake, Chief Irons imprisoned Ben because he knows about Irons’ association with Umbrella. As Ben begs for Leon to get him out after revealing this to Leon, Mr. X crashes through the wall of Ben’s cell and grabs him by the skull and crushes it, killing Ben instantly.

*'''That guy's a maniac! Why'd he bite me?!'''
**Who: Unnamed Truck Driver
**Note: Says this to himself after pushing a man away from him after he attacks the truck driver. The truck driver was unaware that the man who attacked him was a zombie. The truck driver later turns into a zombie and tries to run over Leon and Claire as they dodge the zombie, who then crashes into a car, causing a massive explosion that incinerates him.

*'''You should be safe inside here. I'm keeping a close eye on things.'''
*'''Don't you worry girly, you'll be safe in here. I'm keeping a close eye in things.'''
*'''Just go... Just give us some privacy.''' (Remake)
**Who: Robert Kendo
**Note: Says this to either Leon or Claire (depending on the Scenario). Seconds later, a horde of zombies burst through the window of Kendo's gun shop and they attack and kill Kendo. In the remake, Kendo had lost his family due to Umbrella. He says this line to Leon and Ada as he takes his T-Virus infected daughter into a room where he regrettably shoots her. It is unknown what happens to Kendo afterwards as he is not seen again.

*'''Just go!'''
**Who: Marvin Branagh
**Notes: Marvin later on turns into a zombie.

*'''Sherry...''' (Claire Scenario A)
*'''Sherry... You have to escape... I know I've been a terrible mother... but I still love you.''' (Claire Scenario B)
**Who: Annette Birkin
**Notes: In Scenerio A, Annette, who was mortally wounded by her mutated husband William, helps Claire to create an antidote for her daughter, Sherry, who has a G-Virus embryo implanted in her by William. In Scenerio B, after suffering severe cranial damage from falling debris, Annette is later found by her daughter Sherry and dies from her injuries.

*'''Sorry, but I won't just hand over my life's work.'''
*'''G is my creation!''' (Remake)
*Who: William Birkin
**Notes: Says this to the U.S.S. Alpha Team who are trying to collect the G-Virus from Birkin. One of the soldiers shoot Birkin, mortally wounding him after Birkin accidentally knocks over a case that alarms the soldier. Birkin then injects himself with the G-Virus that causes him to mutate into his monstrous form. During the final confrontation with Leon and Claire, they escape from the lab via train which has a self-destruct mechanism in it. Leon and Claire escape from the train and it blows up, taking Birkin with it. In the remake, he says this after injecting himself with the G-Virus.

*'''Noooooo!'''
**Who: U.S.S. Alpha Team Member 1
**Notes: Killed by the mutated Birkin.

*'''Fire... Fire!'''
**Who: U.S.S. Alpha Team Member 2
**Notes: Is also killed by the mutated Birkin.

*'''HELP ME! PLEASE! HELP ME!'''
**Who: Elliot Edward
**Notes: Says this to Leon/Claire while trying to escape a hoard of zombies. As either character tries to help Elliot escape via a shutter, he is gruesomely torn in half by zombies, and later becomes one himself.

===''[[w:Resident Evil 3: Nemesis|Resident Evil 3: Nemesis]]''===
*'''I told you! I'm not leaving! NEVER! Just get away from me!'''
*'''I'm not going anywhere! I'd rather starve to death in here than be eaten by one of those undead monsters! Now leave me alone!''' (Remake)
**Who: Dario Rosso
**Notes: Character had lost his daughter to the zombie outbreak and refused to evacuate with Jill by locking himself in a container. When Jill comes back later, Dario is found being eaten by the zombies.

*'''Jill! Help! NOOOOOOOOO!'''
*'''Then do me a favor and don't fuck up like I did. Go!''' (Remake)
**Who: Brad Vickers
**Notes: In the original, the first line is said before the character is attacked by Nemesis. In the remake, Brad says the second line to Jill after having been bitten by a zombie.

*'''S.T.A.R.S...'''
**Who: Nemesis
**Notes: Repeated line during the game; character is a monster that has been programmed to hunt down members of the S.T.A.R.S. unit for Umbrella. Jill then replies that she will show it &quot;S.T.A.R.S.&quot; before finishing it off.

* '''Well, they want you eliminated for reasons of their own. The amount is modest, but there is a reward to be claimed upon the confirmation of your death.'''
**Who: Nikolai Zinoviev
**Notes: Says this to Jill, as he attempts to kill her. Nikolai is then killed by Nemesis. However, this is only if the player decides to push Nemesis off the bridge earlier in the game. If the player decides to jump off the bridge (the canon path), Nikolai will utter these words, but ultimately survives.

===''[[w:Resident Evil Outbreak|Resident Evil Outbreak: Outbreak]]''===
*'''What are you doing?!'''
**Who: Will
**Notes: Said while being partially eaten by a zombie. Later, more zombies come to eat him, killing him.

*'''Please let me die while my conscience remains...'''
*'''I feel the hunger...'''
**Who: Bob
**Notes: Bob is near to complete infection at the time of the lines. Depending on difficulty, Bob either shoots himself after saying the first line, or turns into a zombie after saying the second line.

====''[[w:Resident Evil: Outbreak|Resident Evil Outbreak: Below Freezing Point]]''====
*'''I don't believe this, something else I have to fix to get out of here.'''
**Who: Monica
**Notes: Said in an elevator before being attack by either William Birkin or another monster. She manages to survive the conflict, but later faints. She has the G-Virus implanted in her and wakes up a short time later before an Embryo bursts out of her chest.

===''[[w:Resident Evil Outbreak|Resident Evil Outbreak: The Hive]]''===
*'''See if this works.'''
**Who: Dr Hursh
**Notes: Said before restoring power to the elevators, after which he is then attacked by a Leechman. He tries to escape, but the Leechman consumes him.

====''[[w:Resident Evil Outbreak|Resident Evil Outbreak: Hellfire]]''====
*'''It's gonna blow!'''
**Who: Charlie
**Notes: Both Len and Charlie are firefighters investigating the boiler room when the boiler blows up. They try to escape, but the blast consumes them both.

*'''Get out!'''
**Who: Len
**Notes: Both Len and Charlie are firefighters investigating the boiler room when the boiler blows up. They try to escape, but the blast consumes them both.

====''[[w:Resident Evil Outbreak|Resident Evil Outbreak: Decisions, Decisions]]''====
*'''Yoko, its been two years. Oh, but you might not know that. After all, what happened was ''so'' terrible, I think you'd want to erase it from your memory...'''
**Who: Greg
**Note: Greg is confronting Yoko, when Nicholai manages to shoot him in the head from above.

====''[[w:Resident Evil Outbreak: File 2#| Resident Evil Outbreak File 2#: Flashback]]''====
*'''I'll never leave your side again.'''
**Who: Albert Lester
**Notes: Driven insane by the T-Virus, the hospital starts to collapse, when he finds his wife's body. He embraces it, saying the line, before both are crushed by debris.

====''[[w:Resident Evil Outbreak: File 2#|Resident Evil Outbreak File 2#: End of the Road]]''====
*'''I told you, there is nothing to -'''
**Who: Carter
**Notes: Line said to Linda concerning the Hunters roaming the facility before being struck down by the Tyrant T-0400TP.

===''[[w: Resident Evil: Code Veronica|Resident Evil: Code Veronica]]''===
*'''Alexia... you're finally awake... Alexia...'''
**Who: Alfred Ashford
**Note: Last words before dying from his wounds and after resurrecting his twin sister, Alexia.

*'''She gave this to me as a token of thanks for saving her, I don't need it any... more.'''
**Who: Rodrigo Juan Raval
**Note: Rodrigo gets swallowed by a gulp worm but is rescued by Chris, but dies from his wounds and hands Chris Claire's lighter.

*'''I'm glad that I met you... I... I love you... Claire...'''
**Who: Steve Burnside
**Note: After being mutated by the T-Veronica virus, Steve tries to kill Claire but later regains his senses and saves her from Alexia's tentacle; only to be impaled in the stomach by the tentacle and revert back to normal. Steve later dies from his wounds (although he may not be dead).

*'''You want it? You are not worthy of its power.'''
**Who: Alexia Ashford
**Notes: Said in response to Wesker's demand for the T-Veronica virus; she then transforms into her first form and attacks Wesker; however, Wesker (following a time-honored tradition) forces Chris (and by extension the player) to destroy her.

===''[[Resident Evil 4]]''===
*'''We'll stay and watch the car. Don't want to get any parking tickets.'''
**Who: Cop with beard
**Note: Last words before their patrol car is pushed over a cliff, into a river by Ganados.

*'''Did you say something?'''
**Who: Cop with glasses
**Note: Last words before their patrol car is pushed over a cliff, into a river by Ganados.

*'''Lord Saddler...'''
**Who: Numerous Ganados
**Note: If a villager Ganado is killed without their head blowing off, they sometimes say this line.

*'''You carry the same blood as us it seems; Nevertheless, you're an outsider. Just remember, if you become unpleasant to our eyes, you'll face severe consequences.'''
**Who: Chief Bitores Mendez
**Note: Only known words when the elephantine strength village chief sees the first stage of Las Plagas infection inside Leon. At the end of the second chapter, Leon fights the mutated Bitores Mendez in a burning barn and despite the odds, kills him and takes his prosthetic eye to get out of the village.

*'''I am a researcher, hired by Saddler. He found out what I was up to. Heh heh. (gives Leon pills) Here. It should suppress growth of the parasite. The sample, Saddler took it. You have to get it back!'''
**Who: Luis Sera
**Note: Last words before dying after Saddler impaled him with his tentacle tail.

*'''I want you to suffer, just like Ashley will.'''
**Who: Ramon Salazar
**Note: Spoken at the beginning of his battle with Leon, which ends with his death.  These aren't really his last words, as he does taunt you ad nauseam during your fight with him.

*'''Prepare for your death, Leon!'''
**Who: Jack Krauser
**Note: Last words before battling Leon, who defeats Krauser in battle.

*[Leon: ''Thanks.  When we get out of here, drinks are on me.'']'''Yeah, I know a good bar!'''
**Who: Mike/Pilot
**Note: After helping Leon out, he is shot down by a rocket launcher by one of Saddler's men.

*'''Oh, I think you know. The American prevailing is a cliche that only happens in your Hollywood movies. Mr. Kennedy, you entertain me. To show my appreciation, I will help you awaken from your world of cliches.'''
**Who: Osmund Saddler
**Note: Last words before turning into a monster form.

===''[[w:Resident Evil: The Umbrella Chronicles|Resident Evil: The Umbrella Chronicles]]''===
*'''No! We are not done ''yet''! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!'''
**Who: Sergei Vladimir
**Note: Said after turning into a monster form, and being shot to death by Albert Wesker.

===''[[w:Resident Evil 5|Resident Evil 5]]''===
*'''You don't know what you're talking about! You can all go to hell!'''
**Who: Reynard Fisher
**Note: Said before being executed by the Majini.

*'''What the fuck are those?! Mathison to HQ! I'm being attacked by flying B.O.W.s! I'm losing engine power! Oh shit! I'm out of control! I'm going down! Mayday! Mayday!'''
**Who: Kirk Mathison
**Note: Said as his helicopter that was aiding Chris and Sheva early in the game is knocked out of the sky by the Kipepeo B.O.W.s. Seconds later, he is killed in the crash and his body is shown charred.

*'''Dying's not so bad. But it doesn't change anything...you're still screwed!'''
**Who: Ricardo Irving
**Note: Character had transformed into a huge mutant monster to battle Chris and Sheva, but was defeated and died soon after.

*'''ALBERT!!'''
**Who: Excella Gionne
**Note: Said before turning into Uroboros Aheri. Had wanted to rule Wesker's &quot;new world&quot; by his side, but was injected with Uroboros by him.

*'''Now my candle burns dimly. Ironic, isn't it? For one who has the right to be a god! To face his own mortality...'''
**Who: Ozwell E. Spencer
**Note: Said before being killed by Wesker.

*'''''CHRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSS!!'''''
**Who: Albert Wesker
**Note: Said before grabbing the helicopter Chris is escaping in with a tentacle. Chris and Sheva then fire two rockets at him, which cause a massive explosion in the lava that incinerates Wesker.

===''[[w:Resident Evil 6|Resident Evil 6]]''===
*'''Captain...'''
**Who: Finn Macauley
**Note: Character gets infected by Carla Radames' C-Virus darts and cries this out to Chris before he his cocooned into a Napad B.O.W..

*'''Dad...'''
**Who: Liz
**Note: Character dies and then shortly comes back as a zombie after having been infected by the C-Virus. She eats her father alive before being killed by Helena.

*'''Liz?'''
**Who: Liz's father
**Note: Character was trying to save his daughter Liz, but she succumbs to the C-Virus, becomes a zombie, and kills him.

*'''No! Stay back! Get the hell away from me! NOOOO!!!'''
**Who: Peter
**Note: Character tried to escape a gun shop, but was killed by a zombie that had mutated into a Bloodshot.

*&quot;'''Dammit! Dammit! Pops! Hold on, I'm coming Pops!'''&quot;
**Who: Unnamed Japanese man
**Note: Character has been pulled out of the escape bus by zombies and is eaten alive.

*'''You coming with me, son? Fine, I'll buy you a drink in hell, boy!'''
**Who: Unnamed gun shop owner
**Note: Character has been pulled out of the escape bus by zombies and is eaten alive.

*'''No! No-!'''
**Who: Nancy
**Note: Said while getting eaten by zombies after the escape bus has stopped on a cliff edge just outside the Tall Oaks Cathedral.

*'''No! Help me! Please God, help!'''
**Who: Rookie police officer
**Note: Said while getting eaten by zombies after the escape bus has stopped on a cliff edge just outside the Tall Oaks Cathedral.

*'''Son of a- Get off me!'''
**Who: Bus driver
**Note: Said while trying to fight off zombies after the escape bus has stopped on a cliff edge just outside the Tall Oaks Cathedral. He is then killed in a firey explosion after the bus falls off the cliff.

*'''Helena?'''
**Who: Deborah Harper
**Note: Said when found by her older sister Helena. Deborah then succumbs to the C-Virus, which was she injected with by Derek C. Simmons, and mutates into a B.O.W., which forces Helena, Leon, and Ada to kill her. After their fight in the Catacombs of the Tall Oaks Cathedral, Deborah staggers blindly off the edge of a cliff, only for Helena quickly grabs her hand. Helena then promises that she will avenge her sister, begs for forgiveness, and releases Deborah to fall to her death.

*'''No! NOOOO!!!'''
**Who: Derek C. Simmons
**Note: Character had been infected with C-Virus by Carla, and began mutating into a B.O.W. He says this line when Ada impaled him with a crossbow arrow and throws him off a platform in the Quad Tower and into a pit of fire. Simmons shortly returns, now having mutated into a giant insect monster, before Leon and Helena blow him up with a rocket launcher. Simmons reverts back to his human form, as he falls and is impaled by the obelisk in the courtyard of the tower, finally killing Simmons for good.

*'''Just go!'''
**Who: Piers Nivans
**Note: Said imploring Chris Redfield to leave him behind, knowing that he had infected himself with the C-Virus. Chris hoped to figure something out at the escape pods, but Piers does not board the escape with his superior. Chris yelled from his end &quot;Piers! No, don't do this! Open the door! Goddammit, listen to me! We can still both get outta here, there's still time!&quot; Piers readies the escape pod to launch while Chris pleads &quot;What are you doing? No, Piers, don't! You can still make it out! GODDAMMIT, PIERS!&quot; With launch finalized, Chris screams helplessly, &quot;NOOOOO! Piers, open the goddamn door, that's an order!&quot; As the pod leaves, Chris cries out to his partner while Piers stays behind as the underwater Neo Umbrella base caves in.

===''[[w:Resident Evil Revelations|Resident Evil Revelations]]''===
*'''Done... everything finished... finally, I can die. I... can die....'''
**Who: Jack Norman
**Note: Said after his T-Abyss Tyrant-like form is defeated by Jill and Chris in his underwater Queen Dido hideout. After this, he collapses dead while he winds up burning his Veltro banner.

===''[[w:Resident Evil Revelations 2|Resident Evil Revelations 2]]''===
*'''You could help me... It's not too late...'''
**Who: Neil Fisher
**Note: Said as his infected Uroboros Tyrant-like form is trying to entice Claire Redfield to his cause. Thankfully, Moira overcomes her guilt and fear of guns, picks up Claire's handgun and yells &quot;GO JUMP ON A DILDO, BOSS!&quot; shooting him several times until he drops dead.

===''[[w:Resident Evil 7: Biohazard|Resident Evil 7]]''===

*'''Not hillbillies. The Bakers. Jack and Marguerite Baker. And they were quiet, not backward. Lot of bad rumors about their son, Lucas. Bad seed, apparently.'''
**Who: Andre Strickland
**Note: Character is killed off-screen by Jack Baker.

*'''Come on!'''
**Who: Peter Walken
**Note: Character is impaled and then decapitated by Mia Winters while trying to free Clancy Jarvis.

*'''No no no! You can't be serious... Don't kill me! Don't kill me! Don't ki-'''
**Who: Hoffman
**Note: Said before being electrocuted by Lucas Baker after losing a game of Blackjack to Clancy. This only renders Hoffman unconscious, but he soon wakes up and is killed by a saw.

*'''Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Oh man! Fuck! Fuck!'''
**Who: Clancy Jarvis
**Note: Said while being burned to death in Lucas' &quot;Happy Birthday&quot; room.

*'''Hey. Put that door back up. Put that door back up! What are you doing?'''
**Who: David Anderson
**Note: Said before being decapitated from behind by Jack while shouting at Ethan Winters to re-open the garage door.

*'''Oh yeah, oh yeah! That's real nice!'''
*'''Ethan, free my family - please.'''
**Who: Jack Baker
**Character is killed after Ethan uses the serum on him, fully crystalizing Jack as he says the first line. Ethan later re-encounters Jack's spirit in a dream after being captured by Eveline, and in his second line, Jack begs Ethan to free his family from Eveline's control. Jack comes back to life in ''End of Zoe'', but is finally killed for good by his own brother, Joe.

*'''Don't touch me!'''
**Who: Alan Douglas
**Note: Character is killed by Eveline after calling her a &quot;bitch&quot;.

*'''I just wanted a family.'''
**Who: Eveline
**Note: Said before Ethan finishes her off with the Albert-01.

*'''Fuck! My head - my head!'''
**Who: Lucas Baker
**Note: Said after he mutates. Character is killed by Chris Redfield.

===''[[w: Resident Evil Village|Resident Evil Village]]''===
*'''Ethan, go...Save your daughter!'''
**Who: Elena Lupu
**Note: Said this to Ethan Winters regarding his daughter Rosemary before falling into the fiery depths below.

*'''Curse you!'''
**Who: Alcina Dimitrescu
**Note: Said shortly before being killed by Ethan Winters in her mutated form.

*'''Stupid idiot! What are you doing to my cute friends!?'''
**Who: Donna Beneviento
**Note: Spoken through her doll, Angie, before she is killed by Ethan Winters. 

*'''H-Help me! Mother! Maaaaaaaaaaaaa-!'''
**Who: Salvatore Moreau
**Note: Said as he is being killed by Ethan Winters in his monster form. 

*'''No, no! This can't be the end for me! I...must...kill her!'''
**Who: Karl Heisenberg
**Note: Spoken as Ethan Winters kills him in his cybernetic form.

*'''My daughter...My Eva!'''
**Who: Mother Miranda
**Note: Said while being killed by Ethan Winters in her final mutated form.

*'''Goodbye, Rosemary.'''
**Who: Ethan Winters
**Note: Said to his infant daughter before detonating the bomb Chris Redfield planted, sacrificing himself to destroy the mutamycete.

[[Category:Fictional last words|Resident Evil]]</text>
      <sha1>c5abookn6bbmdla03v46t3bnin7bmo1</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153798</id>
      <parentid>3153689</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-12T03:21:02Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>XXzoonamiXX</username>
        <id>694661</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Resident Evil Village */</comment>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="23799" xml:space="preserve">Following is a collection of last words spoken by characters in all '''[[Resident Evil]]''' media.

==Films==
*'''Killing me won't make things right.'''
**Who: Major Timothy Cain
**Source: ''[[Resident Evil: Apocalypse]]''
**Note: Said to Alice before as she goes to throw him out of a helicopter into a swarm of zombies below. She replies &quot;No, but it's a start.&quot; and hurls him into the mob. With no way out, Cain makes a last stand before running out of bullets. The zombified Dr. Ashford and the other zombies then maul him to death.
*'''Well, I'll be damned. L.J., you sneaky son of a bitch.'''
**Who: Carlos Olivera
**Source: ''[[Resident Evil: Extinction]]''
**Note: Said after finding a joint before his truck blows up.

==Video games==
===''[[w: Resident Evil|Resident Evil 0]]''===
*'''Rebecca, you must be careful... the forest is full of zombie... and monsters...'''
**Who: Edward Dewey
**Notes: Last words before offscreen death. Next appearance is that as a zombie.

*'''About ten minutes to...'''
**Who: Soldier
**Notes: Last words before being ambushed by leeches.

*'''Wesker...Birkin...'''
*'''We'll see which one of us is gonna die!'''
**Who: James Marcus
**Notes: First line is said after being shot, having been betrayed by Wesker and Birkin about 10 years ago. The Queen Leech brings Marcus back to life, and the second line is said before he turns into the Queen and is killed by Rebecca Chambers and Billy Coen.

===''[[w: Resident Evil (video game)|Resident Evil]]''===
*'''Hey! Come here!'''
**Who: Joseph Frost
**Notes: After finding a severed hand and gun in the bush, Joseph signals the rest of the team, but is then attacked by Cerebuses, or zombie dogs, and devoured.

*'''No! No! Get away from me! No!'''
**Who: Kenneth Sullivan
**Notes: Last words before being attacked and killed by a zombie.

*'''Chris! Chris, stop! No!'''
**Who: Richard Aiken
**Note: Says this to Chris as the Neptune prepares to attack and devour Chris. Richard pushes him out of the way, saving Chris' life, but at the cost of Richard's as the Neptune eats him instead.

*'''Umbrella...'''
**Who: Enrico Marini
**Note: Says this to Chris, believing he was betraying S.T.A.R.S. and Enrico prepares to shoot Chris, but Enrico is then assassinated by an unknown figure who is later revealed to be Wesker.

*'''The S.T.A.R.S. are finished... someone is a traitor... Umbrella set us up...'''
**Who: Enrico Marini
**Note: Says this to Jill, informing her that S.T.A.R.S. has been betrayed, but Enrico is then assassinated by an unknown figure who is later revealed to be Wesker.

*'''Mother...'''
**Who: Lisa Trevor
**Note: Says this upon seeing her mother's corpse in a coffin. Lisa then grabs her mother's skull and jumps into a pit below to her death.

===''[[w:Resident Evil 2|Resident Evil 2]]''===
*'''My chest! Can't... take the... pain!''' (Claire Scenario A)
*'''What the?!''' (Claire Scenerio B)
*'''Damn you, William!''' (Remake)
**Who: Chief Brian Irons
**Note: In Scenario A, Chief Irons has a G-Virus embryo implanted by monster William Birkin. As he says this, the embryo violently bursts out of Irons' body. In Scenario B, Irons says this after hearing a monstrous scream from the mutated William Birkin. Birkin drags Irons by the leg through a trap door from bellow and then rips him in half. In the remake, Irons suffers the same fate as he does in the original version in Claire A.

*'''Arrgh! my chest, it's... burning!!''' (Leon Scenario A)
*'''Get that scum! Make him pay!''' (Leon Scenario B)
*'''C'mon - c'mon, don't be an asshole... OK? You need this! Just get me the fuck outta here!''' (Remake)
**Who: Ben Burtellucci
**Note: In Scenario A, Ben has a G-Virus embryo implanted by monster William Birkin. As he says this, the embryo violently bursts out of Ben's body. In Scenario B, Ben says this to Leon after being mortally wounded by a mutated William Birkin. In the remake, Chief Irons imprisoned Ben because he knows about Irons’ association with Umbrella. As Ben begs for Leon to get him out after revealing this to Leon, Mr. X crashes through the wall of Ben’s cell and grabs him by the skull and crushes it, killing Ben instantly.

*'''That guy's a maniac! Why'd he bite me?!'''
**Who: Unnamed Truck Driver
**Note: Says this to himself after pushing a man away from him after he attacks the truck driver. The truck driver was unaware that the man who attacked him was a zombie. The truck driver later turns into a zombie and tries to run over Leon and Claire as they dodge the zombie, who then crashes into a car, causing a massive explosion that incinerates him.

*'''You should be safe inside here. I'm keeping a close eye on things.'''
*'''Don't you worry girly, you'll be safe in here. I'm keeping a close eye in things.'''
*'''Just go... Just give us some privacy.''' (Remake)
**Who: Robert Kendo
**Note: Says this to either Leon or Claire (depending on the Scenario). Seconds later, a horde of zombies burst through the window of Kendo's gun shop and they attack and kill Kendo. In the remake, Kendo had lost his family due to Umbrella. He says this line to Leon and Ada as he takes his T-Virus infected daughter into a room where he regrettably shoots her. It is unknown what happens to Kendo afterwards as he is not seen again.

*'''Just go!'''
**Who: Marvin Branagh
**Notes: Marvin later on turns into a zombie.

*'''Sherry...''' (Claire Scenario A)
*'''Sherry... You have to escape... I know I've been a terrible mother... but I still love you.''' (Claire Scenario B)
**Who: Annette Birkin
**Notes: In Scenerio A, Annette, who was mortally wounded by her mutated husband William, helps Claire to create an antidote for her daughter, Sherry, who has a G-Virus embryo implanted in her by William. In Scenerio B, after suffering severe cranial damage from falling debris, Annette is later found by her daughter Sherry and dies from her injuries.

*'''Sorry, but I won't just hand over my life's work.'''
*'''G is my creation!''' (Remake)
*Who: William Birkin
**Notes: Says this to the U.S.S. Alpha Team who are trying to collect the G-Virus from Birkin. One of the soldiers shoot Birkin, mortally wounding him after Birkin accidentally knocks over a case that alarms the soldier. Birkin then injects himself with the G-Virus that causes him to mutate into his monstrous form. During the final confrontation with Leon and Claire, they escape from the lab via train which has a self-destruct mechanism in it. Leon and Claire escape from the train and it blows up, taking Birkin with it. In the remake, he says this after injecting himself with the G-Virus.

*'''Noooooo!'''
**Who: U.S.S. Alpha Team Member 1
**Notes: Killed by the mutated Birkin.

*'''Fire... Fire!'''
**Who: U.S.S. Alpha Team Member 2
**Notes: Is also killed by the mutated Birkin.

*'''HELP ME! PLEASE! HELP ME!'''
**Who: Elliot Edward
**Notes: Says this to Leon/Claire while trying to escape a hoard of zombies. As either character tries to help Elliot escape via a shutter, he is gruesomely torn in half by zombies, and later becomes one himself.

===''[[w:Resident Evil 3: Nemesis|Resident Evil 3: Nemesis]]''===
*'''I told you! I'm not leaving! NEVER! Just get away from me!'''
*'''I'm not going anywhere! I'd rather starve to death in here than be eaten by one of those undead monsters! Now leave me alone!''' (Remake)
**Who: Dario Rosso
**Notes: Character had lost his daughter to the zombie outbreak and refused to evacuate with Jill by locking himself in a container. When Jill comes back later, Dario is found being eaten by the zombies.

*'''Jill! Help! NOOOOOOOOO!'''
*'''Then do me a favor and don't fuck up like I did. Go!''' (Remake)
**Who: Brad Vickers
**Notes: In the original, the first line is said before the character is attacked by Nemesis. In the remake, Brad says the second line to Jill after having been bitten by a zombie.

*'''S.T.A.R.S...'''
**Who: Nemesis
**Notes: Repeated line during the game; character is a monster that has been programmed to hunt down members of the S.T.A.R.S. unit for Umbrella. Jill then replies that she will show it &quot;S.T.A.R.S.&quot; before finishing it off.

* '''Well, they want you eliminated for reasons of their own. The amount is modest, but there is a reward to be claimed upon the confirmation of your death.'''
**Who: Nikolai Zinoviev
**Notes: Says this to Jill, as he attempts to kill her. Nikolai is then killed by Nemesis. However, this is only if the player decides to push Nemesis off the bridge earlier in the game. If the player decides to jump off the bridge (the canon path), Nikolai will utter these words, but ultimately survives.

===''[[w:Resident Evil Outbreak|Resident Evil Outbreak: Outbreak]]''===
*'''What are you doing?!'''
**Who: Will
**Notes: Said while being partially eaten by a zombie. Later, more zombies come to eat him, killing him.

*'''Please let me die while my conscience remains...'''
*'''I feel the hunger...'''
**Who: Bob
**Notes: Bob is near to complete infection at the time of the lines. Depending on difficulty, Bob either shoots himself after saying the first line, or turns into a zombie after saying the second line.

====''[[w:Resident Evil: Outbreak|Resident Evil Outbreak: Below Freezing Point]]''====
*'''I don't believe this, something else I have to fix to get out of here.'''
**Who: Monica
**Notes: Said in an elevator before being attack by either William Birkin or another monster. She manages to survive the conflict, but later faints. She has the G-Virus implanted in her and wakes up a short time later before an Embryo bursts out of her chest.

===''[[w:Resident Evil Outbreak|Resident Evil Outbreak: The Hive]]''===
*'''See if this works.'''
**Who: Dr Hursh
**Notes: Said before restoring power to the elevators, after which he is then attacked by a Leechman. He tries to escape, but the Leechman consumes him.

====''[[w:Resident Evil Outbreak|Resident Evil Outbreak: Hellfire]]''====
*'''It's gonna blow!'''
**Who: Charlie
**Notes: Both Len and Charlie are firefighters investigating the boiler room when the boiler blows up. They try to escape, but the blast consumes them both.

*'''Get out!'''
**Who: Len
**Notes: Both Len and Charlie are firefighters investigating the boiler room when the boiler blows up. They try to escape, but the blast consumes them both.

====''[[w:Resident Evil Outbreak|Resident Evil Outbreak: Decisions, Decisions]]''====
*'''Yoko, its been two years. Oh, but you might not know that. After all, what happened was ''so'' terrible, I think you'd want to erase it from your memory...'''
**Who: Greg
**Note: Greg is confronting Yoko, when Nicholai manages to shoot him in the head from above.

====''[[w:Resident Evil Outbreak: File 2#| Resident Evil Outbreak File 2#: Flashback]]''====
*'''I'll never leave your side again.'''
**Who: Albert Lester
**Notes: Driven insane by the T-Virus, the hospital starts to collapse, when he finds his wife's body. He embraces it, saying the line, before both are crushed by debris.

====''[[w:Resident Evil Outbreak: File 2#|Resident Evil Outbreak File 2#: End of the Road]]''====
*'''I told you, there is nothing to -'''
**Who: Carter
**Notes: Line said to Linda concerning the Hunters roaming the facility before being struck down by the Tyrant T-0400TP.

===''[[w: Resident Evil: Code Veronica|Resident Evil: Code Veronica]]''===
*'''Alexia... you're finally awake... Alexia...'''
**Who: Alfred Ashford
**Note: Last words before dying from his wounds and after resurrecting his twin sister, Alexia.

*'''She gave this to me as a token of thanks for saving her, I don't need it any... more.'''
**Who: Rodrigo Juan Raval
**Note: Rodrigo gets swallowed by a gulp worm but is rescued by Chris, but dies from his wounds and hands Chris Claire's lighter.

*'''I'm glad that I met you... I... I love you... Claire...'''
**Who: Steve Burnside
**Note: After being mutated by the T-Veronica virus, Steve tries to kill Claire but later regains his senses and saves her from Alexia's tentacle; only to be impaled in the stomach by the tentacle and revert back to normal. Steve later dies from his wounds (although he may not be dead).

*'''You want it? You are not worthy of its power.'''
**Who: Alexia Ashford
**Notes: Said in response to Wesker's demand for the T-Veronica virus; she then transforms into her first form and attacks Wesker; however, Wesker (following a time-honored tradition) forces Chris (and by extension the player) to destroy her.

===''[[Resident Evil 4]]''===
*'''We'll stay and watch the car. Don't want to get any parking tickets.'''
**Who: Cop with beard
**Note: Last words before their patrol car is pushed over a cliff, into a river by Ganados.

*'''Did you say something?'''
**Who: Cop with glasses
**Note: Last words before their patrol car is pushed over a cliff, into a river by Ganados.

*'''Lord Saddler...'''
**Who: Numerous Ganados
**Note: If a villager Ganado is killed without their head blowing off, they sometimes say this line.

*'''You carry the same blood as us it seems; Nevertheless, you're an outsider. Just remember, if you become unpleasant to our eyes, you'll face severe consequences.'''
**Who: Chief Bitores Mendez
**Note: Only known words when the elephantine strength village chief sees the first stage of Las Plagas infection inside Leon. At the end of the second chapter, Leon fights the mutated Bitores Mendez in a burning barn and despite the odds, kills him and takes his prosthetic eye to get out of the village.

*'''I am a researcher, hired by Saddler. He found out what I was up to. Heh heh. (gives Leon pills) Here. It should suppress growth of the parasite. The sample, Saddler took it. You have to get it back!'''
**Who: Luis Sera
**Note: Last words before dying after Saddler impaled him with his tentacle tail.

*'''I want you to suffer, just like Ashley will.'''
**Who: Ramon Salazar
**Note: Spoken at the beginning of his battle with Leon, which ends with his death.  These aren't really his last words, as he does taunt you ad nauseam during your fight with him.

*'''Prepare for your death, Leon!'''
**Who: Jack Krauser
**Note: Last words before battling Leon, who defeats Krauser in battle.

*[Leon: ''Thanks.  When we get out of here, drinks are on me.'']'''Yeah, I know a good bar!'''
**Who: Mike/Pilot
**Note: After helping Leon out, he is shot down by a rocket launcher by one of Saddler's men.

*'''Oh, I think you know. The American prevailing is a cliche that only happens in your Hollywood movies. Mr. Kennedy, you entertain me. To show my appreciation, I will help you awaken from your world of cliches.'''
**Who: Osmund Saddler
**Note: Last words before turning into a monster form.

===''[[w:Resident Evil: The Umbrella Chronicles|Resident Evil: The Umbrella Chronicles]]''===
*'''No! We are not done ''yet''! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!'''
**Who: Sergei Vladimir
**Note: Said after turning into a monster form, and being shot to death by Albert Wesker.

===''[[w:Resident Evil 5|Resident Evil 5]]''===
*'''You don't know what you're talking about! You can all go to hell!'''
**Who: Reynard Fisher
**Note: Said before being executed by the Majini.

*'''What the fuck are those?! Mathison to HQ! I'm being attacked by flying B.O.W.s! I'm losing engine power! Oh shit! I'm out of control! I'm going down! Mayday! Mayday!'''
**Who: Kirk Mathison
**Note: Said as his helicopter that was aiding Chris and Sheva early in the game is knocked out of the sky by the Kipepeo B.O.W.s. Seconds later, he is killed in the crash and his body is shown charred.

*'''Dying's not so bad. But it doesn't change anything...you're still screwed!'''
**Who: Ricardo Irving
**Note: Character had transformed into a huge mutant monster to battle Chris and Sheva, but was defeated and died soon after.

*'''ALBERT!!'''
**Who: Excella Gionne
**Note: Said before turning into Uroboros Aheri. Had wanted to rule Wesker's &quot;new world&quot; by his side, but was injected with Uroboros by him.

*'''Now my candle burns dimly. Ironic, isn't it? For one who has the right to be a god! To face his own mortality...'''
**Who: Ozwell E. Spencer
**Note: Said before being killed by Wesker.

*'''''CHRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSS!!'''''
**Who: Albert Wesker
**Note: Said before grabbing the helicopter Chris is escaping in with a tentacle. Chris and Sheva then fire two rockets at him, which cause a massive explosion in the lava that incinerates Wesker.

===''[[w:Resident Evil 6|Resident Evil 6]]''===
*'''Captain...'''
**Who: Finn Macauley
**Note: Character gets infected by Carla Radames' C-Virus darts and cries this out to Chris before he his cocooned into a Napad B.O.W..

*'''Dad...'''
**Who: Liz
**Note: Character dies and then shortly comes back as a zombie after having been infected by the C-Virus. She eats her father alive before being killed by Helena.

*'''Liz?'''
**Who: Liz's father
**Note: Character was trying to save his daughter Liz, but she succumbs to the C-Virus, becomes a zombie, and kills him.

*'''No! Stay back! Get the hell away from me! NOOOO!!!'''
**Who: Peter
**Note: Character tried to escape a gun shop, but was killed by a zombie that had mutated into a Bloodshot.

*&quot;'''Dammit! Dammit! Pops! Hold on, I'm coming Pops!'''&quot;
**Who: Unnamed Japanese man
**Note: Character has been pulled out of the escape bus by zombies and is eaten alive.

*'''You coming with me, son? Fine, I'll buy you a drink in hell, boy!'''
**Who: Unnamed gun shop owner
**Note: Character has been pulled out of the escape bus by zombies and is eaten alive.

*'''No! No-!'''
**Who: Nancy
**Note: Said while getting eaten by zombies after the escape bus has stopped on a cliff edge just outside the Tall Oaks Cathedral.

*'''No! Help me! Please God, help!'''
**Who: Rookie police officer
**Note: Said while getting eaten by zombies after the escape bus has stopped on a cliff edge just outside the Tall Oaks Cathedral.

*'''Son of a- Get off me!'''
**Who: Bus driver
**Note: Said while trying to fight off zombies after the escape bus has stopped on a cliff edge just outside the Tall Oaks Cathedral. He is then killed in a firey explosion after the bus falls off the cliff.

*'''Helena?'''
**Who: Deborah Harper
**Note: Said when found by her older sister Helena. Deborah then succumbs to the C-Virus, which was she injected with by Derek C. Simmons, and mutates into a B.O.W., which forces Helena, Leon, and Ada to kill her. After their fight in the Catacombs of the Tall Oaks Cathedral, Deborah staggers blindly off the edge of a cliff, only for Helena quickly grabs her hand. Helena then promises that she will avenge her sister, begs for forgiveness, and releases Deborah to fall to her death.

*'''No! NOOOO!!!'''
**Who: Derek C. Simmons
**Note: Character had been infected with C-Virus by Carla, and began mutating into a B.O.W. He says this line when Ada impaled him with a crossbow arrow and throws him off a platform in the Quad Tower and into a pit of fire. Simmons shortly returns, now having mutated into a giant insect monster, before Leon and Helena blow him up with a rocket launcher. Simmons reverts back to his human form, as he falls and is impaled by the obelisk in the courtyard of the tower, finally killing Simmons for good.

*'''Just go!'''
**Who: Piers Nivans
**Note: Said imploring Chris Redfield to leave him behind, knowing that he had infected himself with the C-Virus. Chris hoped to figure something out at the escape pods, but Piers does not board the escape with his superior. Chris yelled from his end &quot;Piers! No, don't do this! Open the door! Goddammit, listen to me! We can still both get outta here, there's still time!&quot; Piers readies the escape pod to launch while Chris pleads &quot;What are you doing? No, Piers, don't! You can still make it out! GODDAMMIT, PIERS!&quot; With launch finalized, Chris screams helplessly, &quot;NOOOOO! Piers, open the goddamn door, that's an order!&quot; As the pod leaves, Chris cries out to his partner while Piers stays behind as the underwater Neo Umbrella base caves in.

===''[[w:Resident Evil Revelations|Resident Evil Revelations]]''===
*'''Done... everything finished... finally, I can die. I... can die....'''
**Who: Jack Norman
**Note: Said after his T-Abyss Tyrant-like form is defeated by Jill and Chris in his underwater Queen Dido hideout. After this, he collapses dead while he winds up burning his Veltro banner.

===''[[w:Resident Evil Revelations 2|Resident Evil Revelations 2]]''===
*'''You could help me... It's not too late...'''
**Who: Neil Fisher
**Note: Said as his infected Uroboros Tyrant-like form is trying to entice Claire Redfield to his cause. Thankfully, Moira overcomes her guilt and fear of guns, picks up Claire's handgun and yells &quot;GO JUMP ON A DILDO, BOSS!&quot; shooting him several times until he drops dead.

===''[[w:Resident Evil 7: Biohazard|Resident Evil 7]]''===

*'''Not hillbillies. The Bakers. Jack and Marguerite Baker. And they were quiet, not backward. Lot of bad rumors about their son, Lucas. Bad seed, apparently.'''
**Who: Andre Strickland
**Note: Character is killed off-screen by Jack Baker.

*'''Come on!'''
**Who: Peter Walken
**Note: Character is impaled and then decapitated by Mia Winters while trying to free Clancy Jarvis.

*'''No no no! You can't be serious... Don't kill me! Don't kill me! Don't ki-'''
**Who: Hoffman
**Note: Said before being electrocuted by Lucas Baker after losing a game of Blackjack to Clancy. This only renders Hoffman unconscious, but he soon wakes up and is killed by a saw.

*'''Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Oh man! Fuck! Fuck!'''
**Who: Clancy Jarvis
**Note: Said while being burned to death in Lucas' &quot;Happy Birthday&quot; room.

*'''Hey. Put that door back up. Put that door back up! What are you doing?'''
**Who: David Anderson
**Note: Said before being decapitated from behind by Jack while shouting at Ethan Winters to re-open the garage door.

*'''Oh yeah, oh yeah! That's real nice!'''
*'''Ethan, free my family - please.'''
**Who: Jack Baker
**Character is killed after Ethan uses the serum on him, fully crystalizing Jack as he says the first line. Ethan later re-encounters Jack's spirit in a dream after being captured by Eveline, and in his second line, Jack begs Ethan to free his family from Eveline's control. Jack comes back to life in ''End of Zoe'', but is finally killed for good by his own brother, Joe.

*'''Don't touch me!'''
**Who: Alan Douglas
**Note: Character is killed by Eveline after calling her a &quot;bitch&quot;.

*'''I just wanted a family.'''
**Who: Eveline
**Note: Said before Ethan finishes her off with the Albert-01.

*'''Fuck! My head - my head!'''
**Who: Lucas Baker
**Note: Said after he mutates. Character is killed by Chris Redfield.

===''[[w: Resident Evil Village|Resident Evil Village]]''===
*'''Ethan, go...Save your daughter!'''
**Who: Elena Lupu
**Note: Said this to Ethan Winters about his infant daughter Rosemary before falling into the fiery depths below.

*'''Curse you!'''
**Who: Alcina Dimitrescu
**Note: Said shortly before being killed by Ethan Winters in her mutated form.

*'''Stupid idiot! What are you doing to my cute friends!?'''
**Who: Donna Beneviento
**Note: Spoken through her doll, Angie, before she is killed by Ethan Winters. 

*'''H-Help me! Mother! Maaaaaaaaaaaaa-!'''
**Who: Salvatore Moreau
**Note: Said as he is being killed by Ethan Winters in his monster form. 

*'''No, no! This can't be the end for me! I...must...kill her!'''
**Who: Karl Heisenberg
**Note: Spoken as Ethan Winters kills him in his cybernetic form.

*'''My daughter...My Eva!'''
**Who: Mother Miranda
**Note: Said while being killed by Ethan Winters in her final mutated form.

*'''Goodbye, Rosemary.'''
**Who: Ethan Winters
**Note: Said to his infant daughter before detonating the bomb Chris Redfield planted, sacrificing himself to destroy the mutamycete.

[[Category:Fictional last words|Resident Evil]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Scooby-Doo! Mystery Incorporated</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>121695</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153573</id>
      <parentid>3153231</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T15:08:39Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:1007:B02B:FD7D:540F:3CA1:528:8D57</ip>
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      <comment>/* Web of the Dreamweaver! */</comment>
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      <text bytes="225817" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''Scooby-Doo! Mystery Incorporated''''' is the 11th [[Scooby-Doo]] television series. Taking place in the small town of Crystal Cove, where the adults (especially Mayor Jones) often try to use the phony spooks as ways of making money, the show follows the kids as the mysteries they solve leads to an even bigger, even more dangerous, even more terrifying mystery. New to this series that separates it from other revivals of Scooby-Doo is the overarching story plot, the focus on the romantic relationships of the gang, and the darker tone of the show.

== Season 1 ==
===Beware the Beast from Below===
:(''First lines'')
:(''The gang cheers'')
:'''Velma''': Another mystery bites the dust.
:'''Fred''': Way to go, gang!
:'''Daphne''': Let's celebrate!
:'''Scooby''': Yeah, celebrate.
:(''Sheriff Stone closes the cell door'')
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Better idea.
:'''Fred''': Aw, come on, Sheriff.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Just cork it. You see this badge? Know why it's here?
:'''Velma''': It came with the shirt?
:'''Sheriff Stone''': It's here because if there's a crime, I solve it. (''goes to the office door'') Oh, and by the way, I've called all your parents, who, by now, I have on speed dial. (''mocking'') Oh, are you in trouble. Especially you, Fred. Say hi to dad, the Mayor. (''leaves'')
:'''Daphne''': Just once, it would be nice if someone thanked us for solving a mystery.
:'''Fred''': Good thing we're not in this to be liked. (''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma and Daphne look a little annoying to him'') Maybe that didn't come out quite right.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shaggy''': (''after being attacked by the slime monster'') Zoinks! Like, (''laughs nervously'') what was that?
:'''Fred''': (''getting out of the Mystery Machine'') It looks like a mystery to me, and I think that's just a little more important than school.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': (''finds locket'') Fred, I found something! ''(Opens locket and music plays)''
:'''Fred''': Huh. Could be a clue! Good work Daphne!
:'''Daphne''': Thanks, Fred. You're so sweet.... ''(looks up. Fred has walked away, looking for clues)'' It's okay. We can talk later, um.....

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheriff Stone''': All right, you see what happens when you kids stick your noses where they don't belong? People get cocooned!
:'''Shaggy''': Like, man, we found them like that!
:'''Daphne''': (''trying to show what she means with her hands'') Sheriff, there was a monster--
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Quiet. From this point forward this is a ''crime scene'' and future tourist attraction - stay out of it. (''walks away'')
:'''Velma''': I gotta stay out of it right here. (''holds up fist'')
:'''Fred''': Let me talk to him. (''walks away'')
:'''Daphne''': (''dreamily'') Don't worry. Fred will make him understand.
:'''Fred''': (''runs back carrying body'') Shaggy, start the car!
:'''Shaggy''': Like, I thought you were going to talk to him!
:'''Fred''': He wasn't in a listening mood.
:'''Velma''': (''opens back of the van'') So you stole a body? Rockin!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': (''Angel opens door. Fred is lying down with his head on the record player'') Fred? Fred, it's us. We're here for you. (''sits down next to him. Scooby Doo licks his hair'')
:'''Fred''': It's no use, gang. I was the one who stole the body and Professor Raffalo paid the price. I should have listened to my dad and stayed out of any new mysteries.
:'''Velma''': We all helped steal the body, Fred.
:'''Shaggy''': Well, I actually never took pa- (''Velma elbows him in the ribs'') Okay, fine, yes we all took part, Freddie.
:'''Daphne''': Fred Jones, you've never backed away from a mystery in your life.
:'''Fred''': I've got nothing!
:'''Velma''': Man up, Fred! We still have our first clue, the cocoon! I brought a sample - Scooby, what are you doing? (''Scooby is eating the slime from the cocoon'')
:'''Scooby''': What? Rit's Ruitmeiers! Yummy! (''Starts eating again'')
:'''Velma''': Eww!
:'''Angel''': Check it out. If that dog mutates, I'm putting it down. Dead.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, hold on. I think I get it. (''walks over and tastes the slime'')
:'''Daphne, Fred, Velma, Angel''': Ew!
:'''Shaggy''': No, you guys, it's Fruitmeier's! The cocoon is made of the same stuff as Fruitmeier's Deserts.
:'''Daphne, Fred, Velma, Angel''': What? (''They all get up and taste it'')
:'''Daphne''': You're right. But if the cocoon is made of Fruitmeier's Deserts...
:'''Shaggy''': That means if we capture the monster, we can have our own shop. And we can have an endless supply of Fruitmeier's Deserts. Oh boy.
:'''Fred''': No. It means that that slime mutant may not be a monster at all. What do we know about Franklin Fruitmeier?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': Franklin Fruitmeier. Showed up in town out of nowhere two months ago. Before that, nothing. He's hiring right now for female servers.
:'''Fred''': And that's our in.
:'''Shaggy''': If the girls can get jobs at Fruitmeier's, they can snoop around and find out more.
:'''Fred''': Great idea, Shag!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shaggy''': (''he and Scooby are dressed as girls''). Uh, this isn't exactly what I had in mind. Why are Scooby Doo and I dressed like girls when Velma and Daphne ''are'' girls?
:'''Scooby''': Yeah. My skirts too tight.
:'''Daphne''': Because Velma and I refused. (''Shaggy and Scooby glare at them'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': This is gonna be awesome! (''the cage eventually falls on him, Shaggy, Scooby, and Velma. The slime monster laughs and covers them in slime. Daphne gasps, then sees the slime mutant next to her'')
:'''Daphne''': Aaaahhh!!! (''runs'')
:'''Velma''': Daphne, run! (''Daphne runs past and jumps through hole in the ceiling, followed by slime mutant'')
:(''Scooby starts eating slime'')
:'''Fred''': Eat, gang! It's Fruitmeier's!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Fred! You saved me!
:'''Fred''': Not right now, Daphne. I have to figure out why my trap didn't work.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': What is going on here?
:'''Mayor Jones''': Why is the town's latest tourist attraction cocooned to the wall?
:'''Fred''': Dad! Sheriff! Hold on. You don't understand. That is not a monster.
:'''Mayor Jones''': Oh, hopping steamed clams, Fred. Then who is it?
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma and Daphne''': Franklin Fruitmeier.
:'''Velma''': He was trying to rob Crystal Cove bank.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Uhh, that's impossible. Franklin Fruitmeier's the one who called us. (''Franklin arrives'')
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma, Daphne and Fred''': What?
:'''Franklin''': I was making a clipper ship out of circus balloons when the silent alarm rang at my home. Oh, good gracious! What is that?
:'''Shaggy''': But if the monster isn't Franklin Fruitmeier, then, dude, who is it?
:(''Scooby unmasks The Slime Mutant'')
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma, Daphne and Fred''': Professor Emmanuel Raffalo?
:'''Emmanuel''': That's right. I was trying to scare people away from the sewers while I dug my way into the bank and got rich.
:'''Daphne''': But you've got a job as a teacher. Why do you need more money?
:(''Emmanuel doesn't answer'')
:'''Daphne''': Yeah, my bad.
:'''Fred''': Oh, yeah, right.
:'''Shaggy''': You're really getting ripped off.
:'''Emmanuel''': I discovered that the Crystal Cove caves were connected to the sewer by accident while collecting mold spores for my class. Once I realized the cave led right under the bank, I put my plan into motion. Fruitmeier's gave me secret access to the sewer, so I decided to frame balloon boy for the crime by using his disgusting dessert. I staged my own disappearance to throw doubt on any hint of my involvement. Oh, it was foolproof, genius. That is, until you... you--
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Meddling.
:'''Emmanuel''': Meddling. Yes, meddling kids and your blasted dog ruined everything.
:'''Daphne''': Wait. (''shows the locket'') What about this locket we found where you were digging?
:'''Emmanuel''': Never seen it before.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': All right. Well, guess we owe you kids thanks. You did save the bank. Although you also lost the town a serious revenue stream. Stream of revenue!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': You okay, Daph?
:'''Daphne''': I just don't get it. If this locket didn't belong to Professor Raffalo, then who?
:(''The telephone rings, Shaggy pressed the button'')
:'''Shaggy''': Like, K-Ghoul 101.4. What can we scare up for you, daddy-o?
:'''Mr. E''': You're all doomed.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, uh-uh-- Like, who--who is this?
:'''Mr. E''': You can call me Mr. E. You should never have brought that locket out of the cave. You don't know what you've uncovered.
:'''Daphne''': Uncovered? Uncovered what?
:'''Mr. E''': A truth that should have remained hidden the truth behind the curse of Crystal Cove. The ''real'' mystery has just begun.
:'''Scooby''': Scooby... Dooby... Doo.

===The Creeping Creatures===
:'''Scooby''': What is it?
:'''Shaggy''': Like, um, I think it's a box.
:(''Fred and Daphne glare at him annoyed'')
:(''Fred opens the box'')
:'''Velma''': (''picks up a card inside'') It's from Mr. E! (''reads'') Saved this for a rainy day. Enjoy.
:'''Daphne''': Mr. E gives me the creeps. (''Fred starts to open the box'') Fred, careful. That could be a bomb! (''Fred pulls out a purse'') Ooh, strike that. Cute purse! (''reaches for it, but Velma takes it'')
:'''Fred''': Check it out! ''100% pure gator. Made in Gatorsburg''!
:'''Scooby''': Ratorsburg?
:'''Daphne''': But that's impossible! Gatorsburg hasn't manufactured Gator products in decades!
:'''Velma''': Not since the gator mines dried up!
:'''Scooby''': Rator mines?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': Gang, we have a mystery on our hands!
:'''Velma''': Oh, sweet Christmas, finally!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Dinkley''': Hello?
:'''Mayor Jones''': Yello.
:'''Mrs. Blake''': Yes?
:'''Velma''': (''into phone'') Hey, Mom. We're stuck in Gatorsburg.
:'''Fred''': (''into phone'') The van broke down.
:'''Daphne''': (''into phone'') Think you could come and get us?
:'''Mrs. Dinkley''': Oh, I wish I could, but tonight's race night! You know me and horses! Venus is in it's third retro grade which means I'm betting on Sick Little Monkey to show.
:'''Mayor Jones''': Meddling mushroom caps, Fred! I've already got the recliner in the reclined position. There's no going back from that.
:'''Mrs. Blake''': Oh, sweetie, it's dark out. I can't go out in the dark. (''Fred, Daphne, and Velma hang up'')
:'''Shaggy''': (''calls and gets the answering machine'') Oh, wait. Duh. It's still life night.
:'''Velma''': (''slyly'') I guess we're here for the whole night.
:'''Scooby''': And Scooby Dooby too!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Greta Gator''': I got a few hotel rules. (''Fred enters the room, but Greta blocks Daphne and Velma'') Rule number one: Boys and girls in separate rooms. No exceptions!
:'''Velma''': Then I guess I'm with you, Daphne.
:'''Greta''': I said ''no exceptions''!
:'''Velma''': But, I'm a girl.
:'''Greta''': Oh, right. Rule number two: stay in your rooms, no matter what you hear. That includes screams, moans, wails, pounding, claws scratching, and anything that sounds like a body being dragged across a hard-wood floor.
:'''Fred''': Okayy...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': (''showing Daphne his trap scrapbook'')....and I left a few pages blank, you know, for future traps.
:'''Daphne''': (''extremely bored'') Good thinking. (''Scooby bursts into the room, terrified and panting'')
:'''Fred''': Scoob! What's the matter?
:'''Daphne''': He's trying to tell us something! (''Scooby tries to show them what he means'')
:'''Fred''': Tater people! Uh, crater sneeple? (''Scooby starts wheezing'') Skater feeple!
:'''Daphne''': (''stands up'') Gator people! (''Scooby sighs in relief'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''The police car arrives'')
:'''Fred''': Time to find out who these greedy gators really are. (''unmasks the Creeping Creatures'')
:'''Daphne''': Grady Gator?
:'''Shaggy''': Greta Gator?
:'''Scooby''': Gunther Gator?
:'''Fred''': But why?
:'''Grady''': After we ran out of gators, everybody moved OUT of Gatorsburg. But not us.
:'''Greta''': This here's our HOME.
:'''Daphne''': So with no alligators left, you decided to make imitation gator products and pass them off as real.
:'''Velma''': But you couldn't have anyone snooping around Gatorsburg. So you created the Creeping Creatures to scare people away.
:'''Fred''': Then you could run your gator ring without anyone knowing who you were or what you were up to.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, that is one ridiculous plan.
:'''Gunther''': And you know what? We would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling juveniles and your unauthorized investigation of our synthetic gator accessories.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': You're telling me this gator stuff is fake? I paid a fortune for this track suit!
:'''Velma''': Sorry, Sheriff.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': (''sighs'') Man, I gotta get out of this suit. This fake gator doesn't breathe. I'm starting to smell a little... ''funky''. Arrest them... even though I have absolutely NO JURISDICTION HERE! (''drives away'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': Wait, Sheriff. can you give us a ride? The Mystery Machine isn't...
:(''The engine of Mistery Machine is revving'')
:'''Everyone''': (''gasp'')
:'''Shaggy''': Zoinks! Like, there's no engine in the Mystery Machine. It's haunted!
:(''Fred opens the hood, there's a letter of Mr. E'')
:'''Velma''': It's from Mr. E.
:'''Daphne''': (''opens the letter and reads'') &quot;Hope you had a good time in Gatorsburg. But be warned, there are more mysteries to come. This is only one piece of the puzzle.&quot;
:'''Fred''': Puzzle? What's that supposed to mean?
:'''Shaggy''': Like, I've got a bad feeling we're gonna find out. Oh.
:(''The lightning appears loudly in the sky, Shaggy grabs Scooby whimpering'')

===The Secret of the Ghost Rig===
:'''Police Officer''': You realize you were speeding?
:'''Teenage Driver''': Y-yes, I do, Officer.
:'''Police Officer''': Okay, as long as you know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Jones''': Ah, Fred my boy! Today is a very exciting day for you, because today you learn the family business: politics!
:'''Fred''': Politics? That's ''adult'' stuff! You know, kids my age are into traps and solving mysteries!
:'''Mayor Jones''': No they're not, son! You're going to learn all the vital things I do for this community, like create pamphlets and strategize about new places to put parking meters.
:'''Velma''': I know a place he can put another parking meter.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rung''': Anyway, give me a jingle and we'll plan a magical night on the town. (''glances at his watch'') Oh yeah, the life of the seventh largest regional ladder manufacturer never stops. Sorry, but I gotta ''rung''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Are you trying to set me up with - ''him''? What about Fred?
:'''Mr. Blake''': You're just friends, right?
:'''Daphne''': Well, yeah - but we're really good friends. And I don't know, it feels like cheating. On a friend.
:'''Mrs. Blake''': Darling, think of it like trying a new cut of meat. Why have ''ground beef'', when you can have a nice prime rib?
:'''Daphne''': But I don't even like meat! I like vegetables. Like Fred.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Jones''': What's going on here - (''notices George Avocados'') Avocados.
:'''Avocados''': That's A''voc''ados.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': (''flirtatiously'') You know, Shag, I have plenty of food back at my place.
:'''Shaggy''': Um, like, thanks Velma, but Scooby Doo has had his tongue tattooed with a map of every single pizza joint in town. As you can see, we got it covered.
:'''Velma''': Yeah, in drool.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheriff Stone''': And so you're saying this ghost truck disappeared like a, uh... ghost truck.
:'''Scooby''': Yep, that's pretty much it.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Well, looks like you kids might have stumbled onto a new tourist attraction.
:'''Shaggy''': ''Tourist attraction''? Like, man, it nearly dumped us in the cove!
:'''Velma''': Besides, we're not even sure it was a ghost!
:'''Sheriff Stone''': I'm sorry, but didn't you say there was no driver? That's textbook ghost truck, case closed!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': I ''knew'' it! Anyone with hair that perfect has to be guilty of ''something''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Jones''': (''caught in Fred's trap'') Screaming pandas, what is the meaning of this?
:'''Fred''': Dad, we think George Avocados is the ghost trucker, and he's trying to sabotage your reelection!
:'''Mayor Jones''': That's completely absurd. Why would a ghost drive a truck when everyone knows they can fly? Especially an eighteen wheeler, those require a Class ''Six'' license.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Scooby''': Nice going, Raggy. (''laughs'') Good job.
:'''Mayor Jones''': (''arrives'') Pickled porcupines. What's going on here, Fred? I was in my office working late, when suddenly it sounds like some demonic force is tearing apart city hall. Tell me it's true.
:'''Fred''': It's even better, dad. We caught the Ghost Trucker. And he's none other than...
:'''The Ghost Trucker''': Let me out of here! Aaah! (''crawls from out of the Ghost Truck and falls to the ground'') Uhh!
:'''Everyone''': Rung Ladderton?
:'''Rung''': Ooh, ahh, shock. Yeah, yeah, that's right. And I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you meddling... peers.
:'''Daphne''': Of course. It all makes sense. Rung was using the Ghost Truck to smuggle doorknobs out of Crystal Cove, so he could find Theodore Avocados' missing diamond.
:'''Fred''': Avocados disguised the diamond as a doorknob. That's why it was never found.
:'''Rung''': You are correct, my little ascot-wearing friend, but that idiot Avocados didn't say in his journal which crystal knob was really the diamond. So, I had to steal 'em all. And what better way than with a Ghost Truck to smuggle them all out of town?
:'''Velma''': We should have known. The other guy who bought the tires was G. Nurno Treddal, a name far too ridiculous to be real, because it's Rung Ladderton spelled backwards!
:'''Fred''': But Rung, you're rich. You've got everything: ladders, ascots. Why did you need a diamond?
:'''Rung''': I inherited a ladder company. We make the one product in the world that no one ever replaces. Ladders don't wear out like TVs or personal trainers over 40. (''Sheriff Stone handcuffs Rung'') No, no. They're built to last, which means no sales. The company's broke.
:'''Daphne''': I don't think you'll be needing this anymore. (''removes Rung's orange ascot'')
:(''Sheriff Stone takes Rung into custody'')
:'''Fred''': Thanks, Daph.
:'''Daphne''': No worries. I'm always here for you, Fred. (''removes the purple ascot and puts the orange one to Fred'') Seriously, right here.
:'''Mayor Jones''': I gotta hand it to you, Fred. Your traps actually came in handy this time.
:'''Fred''': Gee, dad. Does this mean you finally accept what I want to do with my life?
:'''Mayor Jones''': (''laughs'') Oh Fred. No.

===Revenge of the Man Crab===
:'''Dylan''': Here, I brought some water.
:'''Brenda''': Ew, I don't want any of that fatty fat water! I want Trickells' Trickquid!
:'''Dylan''': Trickell's Trickquid ''is'' water.
:'''Brenda''': Um, ''no'', it's one hundred percent diet moisture.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': Ugh, not that place! That guy's a total freak!
:'''Shaggy''': No, he's, like, totally cool! Just ''don't mention his nose''.
:'''Velma''': Hey there, Cappy! What happened to the old sniffer? (''Shaggy groans'')
:'''Skipper Shelton''': What ''happened''? I'll tell it for you! It was a clam that took it, fierce and mighty was he, and reduced me to wearing facial underwear he did! But I'll find him, and I won't stop shucking till I do. Understand?
:'''Velma''': Yes sir, Captain Admiral, sir!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': You know, we're still close to the water. All kinds of fish in there.
:'''Fred''': (''watching the volleyball game'') Yep, they're so beautiful!
:'''Daphne''': The ''girls''?
:'''Fred''': No, the nets!
:'''Daphne''': The nets?
:'''Fred''': I wonder what their tensile strength is? They're nylon, absolutely ''perfect'' for traps!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': We can't let that thing get away!
:'''Shaggy''': Sure we can, Fred! All we have to do is stand right here!
:'''Scooby''': Yeah, stand right here!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': Wow, who are you trying to impress?
:'''Daphne''': What, this old thing? I've had it forever. I just want to do a good job. Would you rub oil on my back? Fred likes shiny things, and I'm tired of him staring at nets.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': There's a book over here. Daphne read a book once. And that chair, Daphne liked to sit in chairs. And that card catalogue over there -
:'''Velma''': Not helping, Fred.
:'''Fred''': I know. What's wrong with me?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': Hey, Daphne? Let me ask you something. If you liked a boy -
:'''Daphne''': ''Who'' told you? Was it one of my sisters? [ Daphne mad at Velma] Dawn! Ha! She thinks she's so perfect. Well, what no one knows is, she has a sixth toe on her -
:'''Velma''': Um, what are you talking about?
:'''Daphne''': I - clearly, not what you were talking about...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shaggy''': Like, we've got him!
:'''Velma''': Good going! But how did you find your way out?
:'''Scooby''': (''sniffing'') Clam cones.
:'''Velma''': You were saved by junk food?
:'''Shaggy''': Like, what can I say? Junk food and me have a very special relationship.
:'''Velma''': Maybe I should ask it for advice.
:'''Fred''': Speaking of clam cones, I see Skipper Shelton isn't around again. Or are you, Skipper? (''unmasks the Man Crab'')
:'''Skipper''': (''arrives'') Ah, back from the Laundromat, I am. And once more does me nose-hammock smell fresh as the morning tide.
:'''Daphne''': Wait, if you're not the Man Crab, then who...?
:'''Velma''': Everyone, meet Bud Shelton. (''grabs Bud's head out of Man Crab disguise'')
:'''Scooby, Shaggy and Daphne''': Who?
:'''Velma''': The Trickell's Triquid mascot.
:'''Bud''': And the inventor, not that dirtball, Trickell.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, how did you know, Velma?
:'''Velma''': I knew it wasn't a real crab because Daphne never got allergic when she was around it. Plus, when I saw the mole pattern on the cheek of man next to Trickell in the newspaper, I remembered the same pattern on the mascot.
:'''Bud''': He took the credit for my creation. It was supposed to be called Bud's Bloosh. I was still working on the name. I spent countless hours making the Man Crab costume and even more time building my system of trap doors and stairs under the beach. And in case anyone came snooping in between kidnappings, I hid my costume in a locker big enough to hold it, putting a label with Skipper's name on it over the real label. So if anyone found it, they'd blame him.
:'''Daphne''': All that work just to get back at Mr. Trickell? Wouldn't it have been easier and-- more legal to sue him?
:'''Bud''': Are you kidding? Lawyers take forever. I would have succeeded, too, if it weren't for you meddling brats probing into my crustacean-themed revenge scheme.
:'''Skipper''': Well, &quot;almost&quot; doesn't shuck the clam, (''to Scooby'') does it, wolfie?
:(''Skipper and Scooby laugh'')
:'''Scooby''': I have no idea what you're talking about.

===The Song of Mystery===
:'''Velma''': Shaggy, you promised me you weren't going to use the word 'like' so much. It makes you sound ignorant.
:'''Shaggy''': Oh, right. Like, um, I forgot.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': They can't just leave all the kids!
:'''Sheriff Stone:''' They'll be fine. We'll air drop in some freeze dried camp food. Just because they're 'spookified' doesn't mean they can't reconstitute macaroni!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': Here, pick out a new pair of pants.
:'''Shaggy''': What's wrong with my pants?
:'''Velma''': You promised me you were going to start caring more about your appearance.
:'''Shaggy''': But I like those pants.
:'''Velma''': You've worn them since the eight grade.
:'''Shaggy''': They're comfortable pants
:'''Velma''': Fine.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Dinkley''': (''giving tour'') This is the location of the most recent attack by the creature that's been spookifying the children of Crystal Cove. (''notices the gang'') Velma, sweetheart, how are you? (''yelling'') Sheriff, they're back!
:'''Velma''': ''Mom'', please! We just wanted to see what was happening!
:'''Mrs. Dinkley''': There's nothing to see. Not unless you're paying.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Portillo''': The peoples have long told the tale of Qué Horrífico. A normal man by day, but every sundown he changes into Qué Horrífico. He roams through the villages and plays his song of mystery on a pan flute, turning the childrens into... ''Terriblegatos''!
:'''Fred''': In America, we call it 'getting spookified'.
:'''Dr. Portillo''': That is good enough, thank you. Eventually, he takes them to his spooky town, or cave or something. There's a lot of debate on that, who can really know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mary Anne Gleardan''': Fred Jones, Jr. You were supposed to meet me in the library for your civics tutoring.
:'''Fred''': Mary Anne, I can't. I have something important I need to do.
:'''Mary Anne Gleardan''': What could possibly be more important than ''civics''?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Portillo''': Oh no! I think - I think [the transformation] is happening! Oh no! It's happening! It's happening! AHHH! Here it comes! Oh, I so scared! I so scared! Here it comes! Oh - No, it's just gas.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': This is nice.
:'''Fred''': Watch it, Daphne! Remember, we're married; don't look so happy!
:'''Velma''': It's almost sunset. We'd better get inside.
:'''Fred''': Right. (''loudly'') Come, two young children, it's bedtime! Grandma's gonna tell you a story!
:'''Shaggy''': Oh goodie!
:'''Fred''': Quick, get inside.
:(''Inside, ready for trap'')
:'''Scooby''': Aren't you going to tell us a story?
:'''Velma''': Yes, The End. Now shh.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Mayor Jones and Sheriff Stone arrive'')
:'''Mayor Jones''': What in the name of whole wheat toast is going on?
:'''Fred''': We got him, dad.
:(''Scooby unmasks Qué Horrífico'')
:'''Mary Anne Gleardan''': You mean her.
:'''Fred, Daphne, Velma, Shaggy''': Mary Anne Gleardan.
:'''Mayor Jones''': Your tutor? But why?
:'''Mary Anne Gleardan''': I was trying to scare all the adults out of Crystal Cove so I could run the city my way. (''hocking'') (''to Fred'') I told you, I have brilliant ideas. (''to everyone'') With all the adults gone, there's be no one to stand in my way. I learned about the legend of Qué Horrífico in Dr. Portillo's honors class. It was the perfect solution. I used the high school's theater department for my costume. I went to every kindergarten and elementary school in the city to convince the children to pretend to be spookified. In return I offered them Utopia! When that didn't work, I offered them candy. Whenever the children heard me playing the pan flute, that was their signal to put on their fake hair and fangs and commence spookification. I almost had the whole town cleared of adults. I would have, too, if it weren't for you (''speaks latin'')
:'''Fred, Daphne, Velma, Shaggy and Scooby''': Huh?
:'''Mary Anne Gleardan''': (''sighs'') Loosely translated it means &quot;Meddlesome kids&quot; in latin.
:'''Arthur''': I'm going home. I miss my mom and dad. (''The other kids say goodbyes and walk into their homes'') By the way, this was lame.
:(''Sheriff Stone handcuffs Mary Anne'')
:'''Mary Anne Gleardan''': Wait, you're taking me to jail? But I'm just a kid!
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Do you know how many boxes we're stuck with of Qué Horrífico t-shirts, Qué Horrífico pamphlets, Qué Horrífico dance CDs, Qué Horrífico--?
:'''Mary Anne Gleardan''': Okay, okay. I see your point.

===The Legend of Alice May===
:'''Daphne''': I'm telling you, she's up to something!
:'''Fred''': C'mon, Daphne. So, Alice was using the shower and hanging out in the school basement late at night. Haven't we all?
:'''Daphne''': What if Alice is the ghost girl the Sheriff mentioned? You could be in danger, Fred.
:'''Fred''': Don't you think I'd know if she were a ghost girl?
:'''Velma''': I'd be willing to bet... no.
:'''Scooby''': Yeah, me too.
:'''Shaggy''': Yeah, like, what do we really know about Alice?
:'''Fred''': You mean, besides the fact that she's super nice, and her hair smells like peaches, and sometimes I get lost in her eyes, and -
:'''Daphne''': Fred Jones, do you like this girl?
:'''Fred''': (''points at his &quot;watch&quot;'') Wow, look at the time.
:'''Daphne''': You're not wearing a watch, Freddie.
:'''Fred''': Oh. Well, I'd better go find one, then!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angel''': Looks like your ghost girl's building herself... a ''man posse''.
:'''Shaggy''': Zoinks! Like, what if Fred's her latest possum?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Delilah''': Hey, baby sis. Something got you down.
:'''Daphne''': Hey, Delilah. It's okay, I'm fine.
:'''Delilah''': No, no, I can tell. Same way I can tell when I look in the eyes of the enemy and see their cold, grey heart and know it's either me, or them.
:'''Daphne''': Uh, okay...
:'''Delilah''': Ah, boy trouble. I've been Fear's bunkmate before. Let me tell you a story. There was a beach. Enemy dug in along the shore. They picked us off one by one but I knew I had to get my men through, ''understand''?
:'''Daphne''': No.
:'''Delilah''': All right, here's another story -
:'''Daphne''': Delilah, really, don't worry. I'm gonna figure this out.
:'''Delilah''': I hear you. Call if you need me. ''Whoo-aahh''!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shaggy''': Like, wow! I didn't know this year's prom theme was terror and pandemonium!
:'''Velma''': What's going on?
:'''Ethan''': Somebody's ''mom'' is trying to kill Fred.
:'''Gary''': Yeah, thanks, ''Mystery Geeks'', for wrecking our prom.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ghost Girl''': Don't touch me!
:'''Mayor Jones''': (''arrives with Sheriff Stone'') Hazy fantasie, Fred. Didn't you hear me when I said, &quot;if you see a ghost girl, do not go to the prom with her.&quot;?
:'''Fred''': Don't worry, dad. She may look like a ghost girl, but in reality she's... (''unmasks the ghost girl'') Alice May. Or she's also known as...
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma, Daphne and Fred''': Alice Carlswell May.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Carlswell? As in Deacon Carlswell? The Creeper?
:'''Alice''': That is right. He was my dad. When daddy was in prisoned, I vowed revenge on those who put him there. I used his old costume to construct my own. When I found the legend of the evil ghost girl online, I was ready to spring my trap. I grabbed that fool Randy to throw you all off the track. And I kept him hidden and fed in my father's crypt until I could let him go. After that, it was just a matter of getting rid of your precious leader, and Fred. I'm going to zap your gang the way ''you'' feeded my father. And I would have succeeded, too, if it weren't for you meddling... ''schoolmates''... of mine.

===In Fear of the Phantom===
:'''Fred''': Perfect! Daphne's our phantom bait.
:'''Daphne''': Oh, this is so exciting - wait. ''Bait''?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheriff Stone''': All right, now let me get this straight; these T-shirts are fifty dollars each, this is cotton, right? The kind that comes from cows?
:'''Velma''': Sheriff, you need to focus. The phantom has already taken Daphne!
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Right. Where's Daphne?
:'''Shaggy, Velma, Scooby, and The Hex Girls''': The phantom took her away!
:'''Sheriff Stone''': All right, now we're getting somewhere! And by the way, what's wrong with the Jones kid? He's acting a little... ''squirrely''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': Daphne. ''Now''. I need to talk to her.
:'''Daphne''': (''dressed as crush'') Daphne's gone. Call me Crush.
:'''Fred''': Darn it, lady, I'm serious! Where is she?
:'''Daphne''': Urgh, Fred. It's me, okay?
:'''Fred''': Uh... oh. I need to tell you something and I need you to listen. I'm not a guy anymore.
:'''Daphne''': What?
:'''Fred''': I have feelings! I care!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harry''': If you had a lizard face, I'd still love you, Scooby.
:'''Scooby''': And I'd love you, Harry. More Sandwich?
:'''Shaggy''': Like, okay, you know what? Enough! You can't replace me with a ''dummy''!
:'''Scooby''': Do you hear something, Harry?
:'''Shaggy''': Like, there ''is'' no Harry. Harry is you, and like, dude, I am your best friend!
:'''Harry''': Um, no, I don't think so.
:'''Shaggy''': Why don't you just stay out of it, Harry? And, like, stop watching Vincent van Ghoul movies. That's mine and Scooby Doo's thing!
:'''Harry''': ''Really''? Cause Scooby Doo thought you cared more about girls and going to proms! (''Shaggy begins to wrestle with 'Harry' before realizing that Harry's a puppet'')
:'''Shaggy''': Wait, wha - what am I ''doing''?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Jones''': (''arrives with Sheriff Stone'') Bug-eyed biscuits, Fred. Couldn't you have waited until after the show to catch the phantom?
:'''Fred''': Sorry, dad. Not with Daphne in danger. (''unmasks the phantom'')
:'''Everyone''': Daniel Frizette?
:'''Shaggy''': Or, like, should we call you Fantzee Pantz?
:'''Hex Girls''': Fantzee Pantz?
:'''Gus''': Doth my eye shadow deceive? How did you know?
:'''Fred''': The villain had to be someone close to the Hex Girls to access the stage.
:'''Shaggy''': And the Hex Girls' equipment.
:'''Scooby''': And their bus.
:'''Velma''': Someone with a grudge against the Hex Girls.
:'''Daniel''': The Hex Girls took my career. I tried to get revenge by writing bad songs for them, but they can make anything a hit. So, I became the phantom. And I'd do it again if it weren't for the uncanny boy band knowledge of you meddling brats!
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Let's go.

===The Grasp of the Gnome===
:'''Sheriff Stone''': No admittance.  This is a quarantined area.  Besides, the movie's already started.
:'''Scooby''': You're showing ''them'' a movie?
:'''Shaggy''': Yeah, aren't they, like, frozen with gnomey magic?
:'''Sheriff Stone''': I already saw the movie. Believe me, magically frozen is the perfect viewing state to be in.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': Now let's see who you really are. (''unmasks the Gnome'')
:'''Daphne, Velma and Scooby''': (''gasp'') The Court Fool? Uh-Oh.
:'''Amanda Littlefoot''': That's my husband, Gill Littlefoot! What did you think you were doing, fool? (''hits Gill with her staff'')
:'''Gill''': What I've wanted to do for years: Frame you for the gnome attacks. And once you were out of the way, take your fortune for my own. (''Amanda hits him again'') Ow! Will you stop that?
:'''Velma''': But you're too tall. How could you ever be the gnome?
:'''Gill''': There's a reason our family name is ''Littlefoot''. (''takes off the gnome disguise to reveal his real size'') (''Everyone gasp'') I planned this over a year. And while I've always hid my tiny legs, this finally provided me a way to make them useful. Since Amanda's dislike of pirates was well known, I planted her earring on a victim, hoping to throw suspicion her way. I used my toxin-coated gloves to paralyze all the pirates, but you would not ''quit''. The beautiful part is that because of my--
:'''Sheriff Stone''': I believe the medical term is ''baby legs''.
:'''Gill''': No one would have ever suspected me. That is, until you, meddling, gnome-hating, pirate-loving--
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Yeah, yeah, Shrimpo, we got the picture.
:'''Amanda Littlefoot''': (''annoyed'') All these years, you've looked down on me. Now it turns out I'm actually taller than you. (''hits Gill again with her staff'')
:'''Gill''': Ow!
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Let's go, little footy. (''laughs'')
:'''Mayor Jones''': Boy, I had big plans for him! Thanks for nothing-- again.
:'''Fred''': Anytime, pop.

===Battle of The Humungonauts===
:'''Mayor Jones''': So they didn't show! I don't see why we couldn't just seize the ticket money as evidence. Prancing piccolos, Fred. One of your traps actually worked!
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Greetings, big and hairy space travelers. As a representative of planet Earth, I welcome you.
:'''Velma''': I'm afraid these two aren't space travelers, Sheriff. I'd like to introduce (''unmasks the Green Humungonaut'') Max Minner and (''unmasks the Red Humungonaut'') Jax Minner.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': It's the Minner brothers? They've been taking care of all of Crystal Cove's insurance needs for years.
:'''Mayor Jones''': But how did you know they'd both show up here?
:'''Velma''': All I did was double insure the boat repair shop with a policy from both brothers. You see, each brother was only attacking the places the other brother insured.
:'''Mayor Jones''': But why?
:'''Max''': What do you think? Money.
:'''Jax''': And the fact that we can't stand each other.
:'''Max''': Oh, yeah. That, too.
:'''Jax''': This intense dislike started back when we were circus strongmen. We had just come up with a great idea for our act: The Hercules apes...
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Humongonauts is catchier.
:'''Jax''': When this jerk decides to break up our act and join a rival circus.
:'''Max''': Huh! You were just jealous.
:'''Jax''': We became bitter enemies who, as chance would have it, both went into the insurance business here in Crystal Cove.
:'''Max''': After that, we each focused on the same thing: Destroying each other's business.
:'''Jax''': And it would have worked, too, if it weren't for...
:'''Max and Jax''': My meddling brother! (''look each other'') What? ''Why you?'' (''start fighting'')
:'''Velma''': Mystery solved.

===Howl of The Fright Hound===
:'''Sheriff Stone''': What's going on? I heard what sounded like some sort of hideous, undying machine in here.
:'''Daphne''': We've solved the mystery of the Fright Hound.
:'''Fred''': And your culprit is... (''opens the hood of the mysterious person'')
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma, Daphne and Fred''': Jason's mother of Bendy?
:'''Mrs. Wyatt''': That's right, it was me all along. I saw how you treated my Jason at school. So naturally I did what any mother would do. I built a demonic robot dog to kill you! I framed your little doggy friend to break you up, leaving Jason a clear shot at his true love. But when you showed up and blamed him of all things, I decided to GET RID OF YOU ALL! I gave up a career in military robotics to raise my son, not to watch him get triped on!
:'''Jason''': Now Velma will never want to be my girlfriend. And she would have, too, if it weren't for my meddling mom!
:'''Velma''': I'm sorry, Jason. I should have been clearer with you earlier. But you and me, it's just not gonna happen. But we can still be friends.
:'''Jason''': Really?
:'''Velma''': Yeah. You took that very well.
:'''Jason''': And you touched my knuckle again. Ha ha! (''kisses his fingers'')

===The Secret Serum===
:'''Vampire''': Aaahh! Let me go! I'll drain you all!
:'''Daphne''': Mom! Your vampiring is tearing this family apart! I'm sorry, but you've left me no choice. I'm going to have to stake you.
:'''Vampire''': Wait! I'm not a vampire! I'm-- (''unmasks herself'')
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma, Daphne and Fred''': Sheila Altoonian.
:'''Daphne''': But why?
:'''Sheila''': Isn't it obvious? My looks are starting to fade.
:'''Shaggy''': No. You're gorgeous.
:'''Fred''': No. Your skin is as tight as my ascot.
:'''Sheila''': This is all your mother's fault. We're the same age, but she's so beautiful. She has the skin of a teenager. That's when I realized she must be a vampire. I went to the Dinkley Shop to do a little research and found the recipe for the youth juice. That potion was gonna make me young and beautiful ''forever''. You see, in college I majored in zoology and acrobatics, studying the habits of flying squirrels. I propelled myself into the air with my quad and glute muscles. All this gave me the illusion of a real flying Vampire.
:'''Daphne''': Why didn't you just try maybe wearing a little less makeup? Or a cuter haircut? Or use tape to pull back all your wrinkly sacks of. (''grabs her cheeks with hands'') You know, age gracefully.
:'''Sheila''': Age gracefully? Are you crazy? No, the Vampire serum was my only hope. And I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for you meddling--
:'''Nan Blake''': What's going on here?
:'''Daphne''': Mom!
:'''Sheila''': Even now, she's stealing my moment.
:'''Daphne''': I'm so glad you're not an undead creature of darkness.
:'''Nan Blake''': Thanks, honey.
:'''Daphne''': But what are you doing here? Why have you been sneaking out?
:'''Nan Blake''': I didn't want to say anything, but I've been taking night classes. I'm getting my public notary degree!
:'''Velma''': Oh, how exciting.
:'''Shaggy''': What an opportunity.
:'''Nan Blake''': You know, I may be outrageously gorgeous, but knowledge, knowledge is the key to true beauty. Well, I better get going. I have to figure out what a notary is before tomorrow's final exam. (''laughs'')

===The Shrieking Madness===
:'''Shaggy''': Like, you don't hear many monsters from other dimensions scream for help.
:(''Fred ties the Char Gar Gothakon's mouth with ascot'')
:'''Velma''': This is no monster. (''unmasks Char Gar Gothakon'') It's Howard E. Roberts, Hatecraft's student assistant and biggest fan. Just as I suspected.
:'''Shaggy''': Suspected how?
:'''Velma''': Think about it. We found a book written by Hatecraft, with sentences underlined that smelled like Char Gar Gothakon.
:'''Howard''': Of course it was me. Someone had to defend the Professor against his critics. And what better way than to dress as his greatest creation? Fortunately, I'd taken a class in the military application of sonic shriek technology at the learning annex. Although, in retrospect, it might not have been a good idea to glue real octopus legs to my face.
:'''Everyone''': Ah, so that was the smell!
:'''Velma''': But when Hatecraft admitted he made it up?
:'''Howard''': That's when he had to fall. And he would have, too, if it weren't for the dark elder forces conspiring in the inky black of time most foul! Oh. And you meddling kids.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''The police takes Howard into custody'')
:'''Harlan Ellison''': H.P., are you all right?
:'''Professor Hatecraft''': Harlan. Yes. Just an overeager fan who got carried away.
:'''Harlan Ellison''': Fans. Imbeciles fit only to be gnawed by rabid rats.
:'''Professor Hatecraft''': Yes. Someone could write a book.
:'''Harlan Ellison''': How about, &quot;A boy and his fans&quot;, by Harlan Ellison and H.P. Hatecraft?
:'''Professor Hatecraft''': I was thinking something more along the lines of, &quot;Shavu-ra hatafar, the fan that had no name&quot;.
:'''Harlan Ellison''': Except, uh, you just named it.
:'''Professor Hatecraft''': Don't start with me, Ellison.

===When the Cicada Calls===
:'''Shaggy''': Like, I don't think it's Dr. Yantz!
:'''Velma''': Really? You think?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': Now, get him!
:(''Scooby grabs the Cicada Creature's hat'')
:'''Everyone''': Grandma Moonbeam?
:(''Sheriff Stone, Mayor Jones and the photographer arrive'')
:'''Mayor Jones''': Did we miss it? Where are the bugs?
:'''Fred''': You're the Cicada Creature? But why?
:'''Grandma Moonbeam''': Isn't it obvious? I wanted to shut down Destroido. I found out they added a secret ingredient to make nature slivers more tasty: Landfill waste! I demanded that they return to my original healthy recipe, but they refused, and because they owned it, there was nothing I could DO. I vowed to get even. I saw a Norwegian documentary about a researcher using sound waves to control penguins' movements. I decided to adapt the idea for my revenge. Since I didn't have any penguins, I used cicadas. And I would have succeeded, too, if it hadn't been for you meddling young people.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Well, now, it's the big house for you, grandma. Let's go.
:'''Mayor Jones''': (''sighs'') Why can't anything in this town ever turn out to be real?
:'''Fred''': Glad we could help, dad.
:'''Velma''': Well, another mystery successfully solved.

===Mystery Solvers Club State Finals===
:'''Taffy-Dare''': i was born in 1994 when i was a kid in 1997
:'''Velma''': Look at that. For the time ever, the sidekicks have solved the mystery.
:'''Scooby''': Now, let's see exactly who Lord Infernicus is. (''unmasks the Lord Infernicus'')
:'''Everyone''': The Funky Phantom?!
:'''Mudsy''': That's me, don't you know.
:'''Scooby''': But why?
:'''Mudsy''': I was sick of being a sidekick. Resentful, even. I'm not a real ghost. I'm Jonathan Wellington Muddlemore, actor, thespian, dramatator. I was behind in my rent at the Y, so a friend told me about this clock I could squat in. When they found me and thought I was a ghost, I figured why not. Ghost gig got me 3 hots and a cot, but I got tired of taking a back seat, don't you know. I wanted to headline. I wanted to be the boss. In charge, even. With my own sidekicks. That's when I stumbled upon the mystery solvers state finals. I had workshopped my Lord Infernicus character at various comedy clubs and state fairs around the country. And it has always been a hit. It was a simple matter to use mirrors and a video projector to make myself appear and fly. A little smoke, fireworks, a skeleton puppet identical to my own bone structure for close-up work, a pre-recorded voice, and the deed was done. I even abducted my own cat Boo. The plan was to ship everyone off to Africa, where there is a desperate need for teenage mystery solvers. I then created the ruse with the Guinea pigs; sewing each of their tiny costumes by hand, using the actual vintage fabrics of their real life counterparts just to throw you off track. It was perfect. Genius, even. Until your ridiculous dog started acting like a HERO instead of a SIDEKICK.
:'''Scooby''': (''annoyed'') Ohhh.
:'''Boo the Cat''': You lied to me. Meow! (''attacks Mudsy'')
:'''Shaggy''': Like, Scoob, looks like you and your pals are the heroes of this mystery. Let's hear it for the sidekicks. Hip hip--
:'''Everyone''': Hooray! Hip hip hooray! Hip hip hooray!

===The Wild Brood===
:'''Biker Dude''': Hey, little muffin, how 'bout you and me go for a moonlight ride?
:'''Girl''': No thanks, I'm allergic to the stink of desperation.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Random Spanker Gang Member''': Let's go spank somewhere else!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Oh, Freddie, this is such a romantic setting for our second date.
:'''Fred''': If you say so. All I know is, since my dad owns the place, we get free refills.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Hold it right there, leather-wearing creepy. First section seven forty-one dot B of the Chrystal Cove bylaws; there are no monsters or monster-like creatures allowed in public areas.
:'''Mayor Jones''': Unless tickets are being sold.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Wow, that was very... ''poetical''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Member of The Wild Brood''': Velma, do you believe in love at first sight?
:'''Velma''': In your case... no.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Did you break into the armory and steal a rocket launcher?
:'''Orc''': No.
:'''Daphne''': (''to Fred'') See, I told you, let's go.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Orc''': My gratitude is yours, fair Daph.
:'''Fred''': ''Fair Daph''?! Listen here, ''Tusky'', only I get to call her Daph, and I never say fair!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Orc''': Crazy driving there, Frederick.
:'''Fred''': Thanks. And it's Fred. Unless we're dating, and then it's Freddie.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Okay. Let's see who was trying to give the Wild Brood a bad name.
:(''The Orc unmasks the Impostor Orc'')
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Daphne, Velma and Fred''': Another geek?
:'''The Orcs''': Maxwell?
:'''Shaggy''':  Like, who's Maxwell?
:'''Odnarb''': He works in the copy room at our gaming company. Maxwell, why?
:'''Maxwell''': Why? I'll tell you why. You all thought you were so cool. You never let me join in the beta testing of any of your new video games. No, I was just the lowly copy boy. So I sought my revenge. I made a Wild Brood costume of my own. From that point on, all I had to do was steal a rocket launcher, grab someone to hack the computer to divert the train, reroute said train, board the train from a moving motorcycle, defeat the train's security system, blow up the bridge the train was on, which would cause the Swordfish console to be destroyed in a massive train wreck, ruining your careers and hopefully giving rise to my own in the process. Simple!
:'''Shaggy''': Dude. Seriously?
:'''Maxwell''': Overkill, huh? Well, it might have worked, if it wasn't for you meddling kids. Am I right?
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Daphne, Velma and Fred''': Uh, no.
:'''Velma''': Don't think so.
:'''Shaggy''': Not really.
:(''Maxwell feels sorry'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheriff Stone''': (''puts the Orc mask on Maxwell's face'') And keep that mask on. You geeks freak me out without them. (''drives away with Maxwell arrested'')
:'''Velma''': Don't be so hard on yourself. You tried to do a very brave thing.
:'''Fred''': No, Odnarb was the brave one. He saved us all. Go ahead. Hang with him, Daph.
:'''Odnarb''': We've got to get back to our render farm. But I was thinking... maybe one last ride? I'll let you hold onto my jacket. It's genuine elf thigh.
:'''Daphne''': Oh. No thanks, Od. You're awesome with all your deep thoughts and poetical nobility and stuff. But my heart has always been with Freddy. (''kisses Fred on the cheek'')
:'''Fred''': Yes! In your face, Odnarb, or whoever you are. She digs me. She digs me! SHE DIGS ME!

===Where Aphrodite Walks===
:'''Soccer Player''': Fred missed another match. What he'd get, ''trapped''?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aphrodite''': Run down that mangy mongrel! Run him down with the ''love''! Now!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Professor Pericles''': The antidote to stop Aphrodite has several distinct components: Pewter, found in grout used only in stained glass windows of the eighteenth century. Ectoplasm, or as it's more commonly known, ghost mucus. And finally, rose quartz, mined in the caves beneath Crystal Cove.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Jones''': Silver plated seesaws, Fred, you're not in the love anymore? Then, I'm going to have to let out an unearthly howl and destroy you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': Look, about what happened -
:'''Shaggy''': Yeah, uh, about that...
:'''Velma''': We don't have to -
:'''Shaggy''': No, no way.
:'''Velma''': In fact, I'd prefer -
:'''Shaggy''': Absolutely. My thoughts exactly.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': We've got a great look for everyone!
:'''Shaggy''': Does mine involve wearing a skirt and lipstick?
:'''Daphne''': No...
:'''Shaggy''': Awesome!
:'''Daphne:''': But Scooby's does!
:'''Scooby:''' Not fair!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aphrodite''': I am the goddess of love! Bow at the feet of Aphrodite!
:'''Velma''': I think you mean Amanda. (''unmasks Aphrodite'') Amanda Smythe?
:'''Amanda Smythe''': Oh, you think you're so smart. Do you know how it feels to be humiliated? Me, the smartest and most gifted student in the history of Crystal Cove, laughed at by everyone in this school.
:'''Velma''': Well, actually...
:'''Amanda Smythe''': You know nothing! They had promised me I would be prom queen, but instead they pulled a hideous mask over my face: The face of a monster. They ridiculed me. I left Crystal Cove that night, but I promised that someday I would return. I had always been good at chemistry, so when I stumbled on the formula for an artificial pheromone that could make people lose their minds with love, I knew I would have my revenge.
:'''Daphne''': Why? You're pretty now.
:'''Amanda Smythe''': The scars run deep. I would reclaim the crown that was rightly mine, then I would destroy this town the way it destroyed me. My plan was genius! And I would have succeeded, too, if it wasn't for your olfactory-challenged sidekicks. (''The deputies arrest Amanda'')
:'''Pericles''': I am no one's sidekick.
:'''Scooby''': You said it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shaggy''': Well, Scooby Doo, like, you saved the day.
:'''Scooby''': And Pericles, too.
:'''Daphne''': I guess even a diabolical and criminal bird can change his evil in malevolent ways.
:'''Ed''': (''appears'') Highly doubtful.
:'''Shaggy and Scooby''': (''nervously'') Who--who are you?
:'''Ed''': I am an associate of Mr. E. Pericles left him a message that you should hear. (''plays the recorded tape'')
:'''Pericles''': ''It was I who gave Aphrodite the secret formula. Once that was accomplished, I could go after the real ingredients I needed to find. First, an ancient conquistador's ship manifest. Next, a stone piercing industrial-grade diamond drill bit. And finally, the geological reports from the Darrow Mining Company. Your move, Mr. E.'' (''The tape ends'')
:'''Shaggy''': Okay, can I get a teeny little time-out here? What does any of that stuff have to do with anything?
:'''Ed''': The curse of the haunted treasure, an ancient fortune left behind by the conquistadors that first settled this area. Legend has it that it is buried somewhere deep beneath us, and it now appears that Pericles is on the verge of discovering it. (''Everyone gasp'') And if he does, it could well mean the end of Crystal Cove. (''walks away'')

===Escape from Mystery Manor===
:'''Fred''': Way to go, gang. Who's been served now, huh?
:'''Danny''': I won't deny it, you are a worthy opponent.
:'''Fred''': Gee, thanks. You're not bad yourself.
:'''Danny''': Was that a gage burrow strategy you used back there?
:'''Fred''': You recognized it? You know, I thought at first I'd go with the Orpheus proposition, but I didn't have any milk.
:'''Velma''': (''interrupts Fred'') Excuse me. Sorry to interrupt, but what's the big idea trying to kill us? And what's with this thing?
:'''Danny''': My treasure! I thought you had returned to steal it.
:'''Daphne''': Returned? I think you have us confused with the original Mystery Inc.
:'''Danny''': Say, now that you mention it, you don't look anything like I remember you. Especially that parrot over there.
:'''Scooby''': Thank you.
:'''Danny''': I've made a terrible, terrible mistake. What has become of me? I suppose it started that Halloween night. My family came upon a mysterious artifact, a key to finding the great cursed treasure rumored to lie beneath Crystal Cove. It corrupted us with greed. I had just gotten my hands on it when the earth shook and swallowed our entire house. My loved ones grew old and passed all around me, but I hardly even noticed. Then, those meddling kids showed up. They were after my treasure. I knew it! So I spied on them. And I booby-trapped the whole house in ways that would prey upon their weaknesses. Eh, but they left.
:'''Daphne''': So you've been waiting for them to come back all this time?
:'''Danny''': Truth be told, I kind of lost track. Has it really been that long? How do I look? Haven't let myself go, have I?
:'''Fred''': Uh, no.
:'''Scooby''': You look fine.
:'''Daphne''': I love what you've done with your hair.
:'''Danny''': My whole life has been a waste. (''sits in the chair, dodges the booby-trap arrow launched by crossbow and laughs'') That's one of my earlier models.
:(''The Mansion begins rumbling and collapsing'')
:'''Shaggy''': What's going on?
:'''Danny''': All those traps going off must have awaken the area's fault line. (''falls on the floor broken in half'')
:'''Fred''': Quick, grab my hand!
:'''Danny''': Don't worry about me! (''The gang watches the ceiling breaking outside'') Now's your chance for escape.
:'''Velma''': But your treasure?
:'''Danny''': (''last words'') Keep it! And may it bring you more happiness than it ever brought me. (''The ceiling is still breaking, the light shines outside'') Now, through that crevice before it's too late!
:(''The gang escapes the Mansion collapsed leaving Danny Darrow alone'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': After all that, he saved us.
:'''Velma''': Or did we save him?
:'''Shaggy''': Yeah. Like, he did say this wedge was...
:'''Scooby''': Cursed.
:'''Fred''': Whatever it is, it's our responsibility now. The question is, are there other pieces out there? And if there are, who else is looking for them?
:(''Mayor Jones watches the gang from the car window and drives away'')

===The Dragon's Secret===
:'''Fred''': Ta-da! The Brownberger B-41. It's the trapper's trap.
:'''Mayor Jones''': (''arrives'') Spicy giblet ponies, Fred! Why do you have a geisha tied up in here? You know they belong downtown in Crystal Cove's geisha house of terror.
:'''Fred''': He's not a geisha, dad. He's a wizard. Or at least that's who he's pretending to be...
:(''Velma unmasks White Wizard'')
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Daphne, Velma and Fred''': Mr. Wang?
:'''Scooby''': Big surprise.
:'''Mayor Jones''': What?! Wang?! Why?!
:'''Mr. Wang''': I've searched for the dragon's heart all my life. I tracked it to your silly little town, and it was almost mine. Mine!
:'''Mai Le''': You won't be needing these anymore. (''takes the 4 rings off of Mr. Wang'')
:'''Daphne''': Now it all makes sense. Mr. Wang used his supposed research trip to Crystal Cove as an excuse to hunt for the dragon's heart. When he saw that Mai Le was wearing the fourth dragon ring, he knew he was close. Mr. Wang posed as the evil White Kung Fu Wizard to steal the fourth dragon ring from Mai Le, but Chen pretended to be a Red Wizard in an effort to stop him.
:'''Velma''': After the wizard battle downtown, Mr. Wang came to my house in one last effort to get the ring.
:'''Shaggy''': But how did he make himself fly?
:'''Chen''': Oh, the same way I did, (''takes the White Wizard costume off of Mr. Wang'') jetpack.
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma and Fred''': Oh! Of course.
:'''Daphne''': And the magic lightning bolts?
:'''Velma''': (''shows Mr. Wang's hand'') Homemade Tesla coils. Genius!
:'''Mr. Wang''': It was the perfect plan. That ruby is priceless. I was going to be rich! And I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you--
:'''Fred''': (''masks Mr. Wang with the White Wizard's head'') Save it, Wang. We've heard it all before.
:(''Scooby laughs'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Inside the ship, Mai Le keeps the ruby in secret'')
:'''Mai Le''': Finally mine. So long, Mystery Incorporated.
:(''The ship turns hard left, Mai Le accidentally drops the ruby, Shaggy arrives and catches it'')
:'''Shaggy''': Hello, dude. Or should I say... Mai Le? I went to the airport to see you off, but you weren't on the plane. It was always about the ruby, wasn't it? ''You'' just used us to get Wang out of the way so that you could get the other rings.
:'''Mai Le''': That's right. While you and your idiot friends were explaining Wang's plan, I opened the jade dragon and took the ruby. The dragon's heart belongs to me!
:'''Shaggy''': Fine. Come and get it. (''Mai Le destroys table with her strong fist'') Zoinks!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mai Le''': (''in a Fred's trap'') Let me down, you idiots!
:'''Scooby''': You okay, Shaggy?
:'''Shaggy''': Was everything about you a lie? Like, even us?
:'''Mai Le''': Sorry, dude.
:'''Velma''': He's too good for you, dog issues or no dog issues.
:'''Mai Le''': I still don't know what that means.

===Nightfright===
:(''Daphne unmasks Nightfright'')
:'''Daphne, Velma and Fred''': The production assistant?
:'''Vincent van Ghoul''': No, it's not. It's Argus Fentonpoof, the writer of &quot;Scream, Scream, Time For You to Die.&quot;
:'''Argus''': I'm both. When you pulled out of the movie, they decided not to make it. I went bankrupt. I had to take a job as a production assistant.
:'''Vincent van Ghoul''': But, why have you done this?
:'''Argus''': Well, by scaring you and everyone watching on TV, I was going to prove that Nightfright deserved his own horror movie. Right before you started filming, I hid my Nightfright costume in a closet. I used the conduit to sneak in and put the costume on. I paid the other actors to pretend to be knocked out when I attacked. Of course, I couldn't let anyone know that I was Nightfright. I had to sneak out every now and then, and get everyone coffee.
:'''Harry''': (''arrives'') Hold it right there. I'm Harry Shneste-Boysen, the executive producer of this show. I've been watching the whole thing from my jacuzzi. I'm blown away. (''to Vincent van Ghoul'') Not only is your reality show going to be a surefire hit, (''to Argus'') (''2 deputies handcuff Argus'') but I found your pathetic tale of lost dreams inspiring. It's gonna make a great movie.
:'''Argus''': A movie, about me? Really? Heh. Gee! Uh, you know, none of this would have happened without you meddling kids. Thanks.
:'''Sheriff''': All right, let's go.
:'''Argus''': Bye, everyone! See you on the big screen in 10 to 20 years.
:'''Vincent van Ghoul''': Well, all's well that ends well.

===The Siren's Song===
:'''Dr. Spike''': I would like to see who's been holding me captive all this time. (''unmasks the one Fish Freak'')
:'''Daphne''': Ernesto?
:'''Ernesto''': Hello, comrade Daphne and her fellow comrade mystery-solving teenagers. (''The other 3 Fish Freaks unmask themselves'')
:'''Daphne''': But aren't you against all this anti-environment stuff?
:'''Ernesto''': Funny you should ask. It all started when we were doing a little research into our old foe Destroido. We were going through their trash when we ran across some very interesting information: Dr. Cavanaugh's report on this giant oil deposit off Dead Man's Point. We came up with a plan to make enough money to fund our various protests. We were gonna drill for the oil ourselves and sell it.
:'''Fred''': You were doing this for cash?
:'''Ernesto''': You have no idea how expensive it is to be a grassroots activist! After we found the location of the oil platform, all we had to do was scare off anyone who started nosing into our business. And we would have, too, if that meddling mermaid had kept her fin to herself and never contacted you.
:'''Velma''': Hold on. Are you telling us that you were going to cause a major environmental disaster in order to get the cash to protest against major environmental disasters?
:'''Ernesto''': Yes! You must be willing to kill the environment to save it.
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma, Daphne and Fred''': Uhh... no. I don't think that's right.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': Hey, you're not a mermaid!
:'''Dr. Spike''': Allow me to introduce my lovely wife Amy Cavanaugh, ordinary human and professional Commercial jingle singer.
:'''Fred''': That explains why your eerily beautiful singing voice made me want to put on deodorant!
:(''Velma is disappointed'')
:'''Amy''': Velma...
:'''Velma''': You lied to me. You acted like you were my friend, and I believed you. 
:'''Amy''': I'm sorry. I came up with the mermaid character out of desperation. I'd gone to the police to report that my husband had been kidnapped by Fish Freaks, but they just laughed at me, then asked for directions to the oil platform so they could add it as a stop to on the Crystal Cove Mystery Tour. I thought that if I could make it sound like one of your mysteries, you'd help me rescue my husband. And you did.
:'''Velma''': How do you even know about us?
:'''Amy''': I read your blog. I'm a fan.
:'''Velma''': Does that mean you're going to stay in touch?
:'''Amy''': If you'd like to me to.
:'''Velma''': Well... whatever. It's your decision. But I wouldn't mind if you did. As far as helping, it's what we do. Our friend Angel also deserves a lot of credit. She knew about Destroido's involvement from some old newspaper articles. That's how we made the connection.
:'''Amy''': Newspaper articles? That's strange. Destroido covered the whole thing up. The papers never even knew about it.
:'''Velma''': Hmm.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In K-Ghoul, Angel Dynamite looks at the LP and Velma appears behind'')
:'''Angel''': Lordy, Velma! Baby, you just about scared me out of my skin-tight leather foxy pants. What's with all the sneaking around?
:'''Velma''': You tell me.
:'''Angel''': What's that supposed to mean?
:'''Velma''': For the short amount of time that you've been in Crystal Cove, you sure know a lot about this town's mystery history.
:'''Angel''': Well, I'm just curious by nature. Remember the heebedy-jeebedies?
:'''Velma''': Stop. One of my big problems, on a list that's long and distinguished, is that despite my skeptical nature, I trust people. I want to see the best in them. Unfortunately, they usually let me down. Things have been adding up for me, Angel. The help you gave us on this oil platform mystery, the diary you provided for the Mystery Manor case; stuff that you shouldn't know and shouldn't have had, no matter what the heebedy-jeebedy.
:'''Angel''': What are you saying?
:'''Velma''': I'm saying Angel Dynamite isn't your real name. I think your real name is Cassidy Williams, and you're one of the members of the original Mystery Incorporated that vanished in the caves beneath Crystal Cove. Tell me I'm wrong... friend.

===Menace of the Manticore===
:(''Angel Dynamite enters the Mr. E's lair'')
:'''Angel''': The Mystery, Inc. kids have found a piece of the Planispheric Disk.
:'''Mr. E''': So now, we know where 2 of the pieces are. Good work, Angel.
:'''Angel''': Just remember, I'm working with you, not for you, E. I'm worried about those kids.
:'''Mr. E''': Why?
:'''Angel''': Pericles is loose, and that nutso parrot might go after the piece, which puts them in danger, and us, if the former members of our club get wind of it.
:'''Mr. E''': Don't worry, little Angel. The other 2 won't move a muscle as long as Fred Jones is still alive.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Look at that! Are Manticores double-jointed?
:'''Velma''': This is no Manticore, Daphne. This is... (''unmasks the Manticore'')
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Daphne and Fred''': Hot Dog Water?
:'''Velma''': Just as I suspected. It totally makes sense when you put the clues together. Someone with computer skills had to make that fake website, and Hot Dog Water has those skills. And remember, just before the Manticore attacked, I smelled something familiar. It was briny, greasy hot dog water. (''to Hot Dog Water'') But what I don't know is why Shaggy and Scooby had such high voices after you attacked them before, or why you'd want this amusement park to close so badly.
:'''Hot Dog Water''': How could you know? Your intellect is so far inferior to mine. (''takes off the Manticore's outfit'') It all started on a boring Friday night when I didn't have a date.
:'''Velma''': Hard to imagine.
:'''Hot Dog Water''': I decided to run some experiments on the steel used to build the park's rides. I found that if you melted the steel down and combined it with chromium, stalagmite, and mercury phosphate, it created a kind of super helium. Shaggy and Scooby must have inhaled some helium gas from the Manticore's posterior relief hole. That's why their voices were so high. I figured if I could get the park to close, I could take all the steel, melt it down, and sell the super helium to the Australian zeppelin fleet. I'd have made a fortune and shown you up in the process, Velma.
:(''Sheriff arrests Hot Dog Water'')
:'''Daphne''': Another mystery solved.
:'''Fred''': It still seems like something's missing.
:(''The Fortune Telling Machine prints the fortune'')
:'''Hot Dog Water''': (''reads'') &quot;Meddling kids and their dog will foil your plan.&quot;
:'''Fred''': Yep. That would be it.
:(''Sheriff drives away'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angel''': I know who has the Planispheric Disk piece, but not where.
:'''Mr. E''': Speak.
:'''Angel''': I put a bug on Velma when I saw her earlier. She didn't suspect a thing. Later, I heard Fred tell her that Shaggy and Scooby have the piece. But he didn't say anything more than that.
:'''Mr. E''': He told Velma and us enough. Everything will work out just fine. You see, Scooby is a far more trusting companion than Pericles was to me.

===Attack of the Headless Horror===
:(''Sheriff Stone arrives with Cachinga in the police car'')
:'''Sheriff Stone''': What in the name of kettle corn is going on? I thought you said he (Cachinga) was the creature.
:'''Daphne''': Sorry we had to trick you, Sheriff, but we needed everyone to believe it was Cachinga (''Fred deactivates the trap'') so we could set a trap for the person who's really behind this.
:(''Fred unmasks the Headless Horror'')
:'''Headless Horror/Marion''': (''gasps'')
:'''Rick Spartan''': Marion!
:'''Sheriff Stone''': But how did you know that she'd attack? I don't get that!
:'''Fred''': We knew that if Dr. Spartan found out that the curse was fake he'd want to go back to living a life of adventure in the jungle.
:'''Velma''': A life she definitely didn't want.
:'''Marion''': (''annoyed'') Fine. I admit it.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Well, you kind of have to. We caught you in the costume. But how--how did you know it was her?
:'''Fred''': We found this ring at the botanical gardens. A woman's ring. (''to Marion'') You went to Oxford, too, didn't you?
:'''Marion''': Yes. (''puts the ring on her finger'')
:'''Rick Spartan''': But, Marion, why did you do it?
:'''Marion''': Because I love you! Because I hate living in the jungle. It's icky. I decided if I couldn't convince you to give up that life, I'd scare you out of it. I came up with the fake legend of Sklar Gringat. I forged an ancient map to the ruins and put it someplace you'd find it. I knew you wouldn't be able to resist the challenge. You would be so consumed with finding your next great treasure, you wouldn't be thinking of me, as usual. I pretended to break my ankle because I knew you'd send Cachinga for help and go up into the ruins by yourself. And when you did, my plan fell into place. It gave me a chance to sneak around the back of the ruins, which were actually an old abandoned movie set. The Headless Horror costume was the final piece of the puzzle. I had it specially designed and took months of pilates to train my abdominal muscles to the point where I could control the mouth with my abs.
:'''Rick Spartan''': But the shrunken head... It talked to me.
:'''Marion''': I got it at a Halloween store. You can record whatever you want it to say. I'm sorry, darling. I never meant to hurt you. I just wanted us to live a normal life. Which we could have if it weren't for those meddling sycophants. Can you ever forgive me?
:'''Rick Spartan''': Sure, I do, baby. I know I'm not the easiest guy to live with. You were just trying to get through to me. Don't worry, we'll work it out. (''He and Marion kiss'') Sheriff, I don't want to press any charges.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Yeah, I, uh, figured.
:'''Rick Spartan''': Take me back to my room?
:'''Marion''': Anything.
:'''Rick Spartan''': Cachinga, come.
:'''Cachinga''': (''leaves the police car with the spear'') Thank you. It's been lovely.

===A Haunting in Crystal Cove===
:'''Shadowy Figure''': Oof. Eahhh! Wood gets older than kindle!
:'''Scooby''': Nice to see you again... (''unmasks the Shadowy Figure'')
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Daphne, Velma and Fred''': Professor Pericles.
:'''Pericles''': Well, hello, children. How did you know?
:'''Velma''': Simple. There's only one brain large enough, beside my own, that could have pulled this off. We found the trojan horse program you put on Fred's laptop that let you control all of Fred's traps remotely.
:'''Pericles''': Fred really should have come up with a more secure password than &quot;trappin' guy&quot;.
:'''Shaggy''': Once you had control of the traps, it was like totally simple to simulate a haunting and terrify the Mayor.
:'''Velma''': And your avian attributes provided the means to make your spooky shadow creep float like a real ghost.
:'''Daphne''': Too bad for you your avian diet gave you away.
:'''Pericles''': Oh, what can I say? A bird's got to eat.
:'''Fred''': It still doesn't explain where my dad is, and why you were haunting him.
:'''Pericles''': Why do you think? I wanted his piece of the Planispheric Disk, of course. I knew he would have it close. I just didn't know where. So I decided to scare it out of him.
:'''Fred''': (''looks at the mysterious piece'') Planispheric Disk? (''to Pericles'') But how did you know he had it in the first place?
:'''Pericles''': Because, dear friend, he stole it from me a long time ago. (''the gang is confused'') Don't believe me? Ask him yourself. (''takes off the Shadowy Figure costume and pushes the remote control's button that changes the stairs to slide, Fred unhands the piece of the Planispheric Disk and the gang falls down to the basement'') (''takes the piece #1 of the Planispheric Disk'') I am the smartest criminal parrot in the world! You didn't think I have a back-up plan? (''laughs'') Until we meet again. ''Auf wiedersehen'', Mystery Incorporated. (''flies away'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Scooby''': Did you know we were standing on a trap?
:'''Fred''': (''grabs Daphne'') Honestly, there's so many in this house, I've kinda lost track.
:(''The gang hears a man trapped in a sheet'')
:'''Shaggy''': Zoinks! Another ghost!
:'''Fred''': Dad! (''releases Daphne and uncovers the sheet'') You're okay!
:'''Mayor Jones''': Dimpled puppet eggs, Fred! I am clearly not okay. Untie me.
:'''Fred''': (''unties his dad'') Dad, the house wasn't haunted at all. It was Professor Pericles.
:'''Mayor Jones''': Pericles? Are you sure? Did he get the--?
:'''Daphne''': Planispheric Disk? Yeah. He said you stole it from him.
:'''Mayor Jones''': That's... that's absurd! We confiscated it off him years ago, when we locked him up. I've felt it was best to keep it here, safe. That's why I went back in for it.
:'''Velma''': Mayor Jones, why would Professor Pericles want that piece of the Disk so badly?
:'''Mayor Jones''': Oof! Ha! Ha! How should I know? Are you kids trying to imply something? Because if you are--
:'''Fred''': No, no, dad. We're just all really happy you're okay. That's what's important, right, gang? This mystery is over. (''hugs Mayor Jones'')
:'''Daphne''': I'm not sure this mystery is over at all.

===Dead Justice===
:'''Velma''': Time to reveal who Dead Justice really is. (''unmasks Dead Justice'')
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma, Daphne and Fred''': Deputy Bucky?
:'''Sheriff Stone''': What? Bucky, you were like a father to me!
:'''Bucky''': You're 20 years older than me!
:'''Sheriff Stone''': There's no proof of that. Why'd you do it?
:'''Velma''': Sheriff, I think we can explain.
:'''Daphne''': Bucky was tired of being just a deputy. He craved the power and prestige of the Sheriff's office.
:'''Fred''': Bucky failed every one of his promotion exams. But it wasn't just his grades that got me thinking.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, Bucky's a doodler, and his drawings looked an awful lot like Dead Justice's demon bullets.
:'''Velma''': Bucky disguised himself as the Ghost of Dead Justice and chased down the town's most wanted.
:'''Daphne''': He knew nothing would hurt Sheriff Stone more than losing his job to his hero.
:'''Fred''': The only thing I don't understand is how he created those bullets.
:'''Bucky''': CGI. It's all CGI these days. I programmed a laser pointer to simulate the animation.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Much as I hate to admit it, I owe you kids one. (''Fred puts his hand on Sheriff's shoulder but he lets it go'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Jones''': (''gives an award to Sheriff Stone'') People of Crystal Cove, there's a new old new Sheriff in town.
:(''The crowd cheers and applauds'')
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Thanks, Mayor Jones. And... Thanks for giving me a raise.
:'''Mayor Jones''': Raise? What raise? An hour ago, your job was free. Don't think I won't find another undead lawman if I have to.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': (''laughs'') You're joking, right?
:'''Fred''': You know, dad, Bucky would have gotten away with it if it hadn't have been for us meddling kids. Maybe a little thank you might be, uh...
:'''Mayor Jones''': Uh, that's great, Fred. Listen, I'm late for a work meeting. (''leaves'')
:'''Fred''': But work's that way. (''Daphne arrives'') Why do I even bother?
:'''Daphne''': (''accompanies Fred'') He cares, Fred, in his own way.

===Pawn of Shadows===
:'''Professor Hatecraft''': Now, Regina, time to come clean and reveal that you're-- (''unmasks The Obliteratrix'')
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Daphne, Velma and Fred''': Alice May?
:'''Professor Hatecraft''': Who's Alice May?
:'''Daphne''': She once pretended to be a Ghost Girl to kidnap Fred for her man posse because she wanted revenge for her father, the Creeper.
:'''Shaggy''': But, like, how did you get out of jail?
:'''Alice May''': I got out with the help of the same person who sent me to destroy you... Mr. E!
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Daphne, Velma and Fred''': Huh?
:'''Angel Dynamite''': Huh?
:'''Alice May''': E enlisted my services to put you kids in danger in hopes of drawing out his enemy, Professor Pericles. He figured if Pericles thought you were in trouble, he'd come to your rescue. E knew if he could get Pericles to reveal himself, it'd leave his piece of the Planispheric Disk vulnerable. Everything was fake. Special effects.
:'''Shaggy''': But, like, where'd you get all the high-tech stuff? How'd you disappear?
:'''Alice May''': E took care of that. It was all courtesy of one of Destroido's shell corporations: Quest Research Laboratories. They supplied me with everything I needed: Weapons, a high-tech cloaking device, even the effects.
:'''Angel Dynamite''': (''handcuffs Alice'') So this was all staged by Mr. E to use the kids as parrot bait.
:'''Alice May''': That's right. And it would have worked, too, if I hadn't been stopped by you, Miss meddling sassy pants!
(''Next scene in the police car with Sheriff Stone and Alice May arrested'')
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Wait, so are you telling me that you escaped from prison months ago, and I never noticed? (''laughs'') I don't think so. (''drives away'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': Well, gang, another mystery solved.
:'''Daphne''': I just wish we could have done something about your job, Professor Hatecraft.
:'''Dean''': (''arrives with car'') H.P.? Yoo-hoo! Oh, there you are, you dear man.
:'''Professor Hatecraft''': Don't worry, Dean Fenk. I'm on my way to clean out my office now.
:'''Dean''': Clean out your office? Oh, never. Heh! Haven't you heard the wonderful news? The song &quot;Char Gar Gothakon&quot;, based on your novel, is a huge hit in Japan. And since Darrow College published the book, we're gonna make a fortune! (''Professor Hatecraft is amazingly surprised'') Now, I'm giving you Regina's old office Vampire books are so done and I'm having the dusk mobile repainted. (''she and Professor Hatecraft drive away'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': Well, Angel, it looks like we owe you one.
:'''Scooby''': Yeah. You saved our tails.
:'''Daphne''': How'd you know where we were?
:'''Velma''': It's time, Angel. I can't keep this secret anymore.
:'''Angel Dynamite''': I wanted to tell you kids earlier, but I was afraid. 
:'''Scooby''': Afraid of what? 
:'''Angel Dynamite''': Of telling you the truth. My real name isn't Angel Dynamite. It's Cassidy Williams. I'm one of the original members of Mystery Incorporated that disappeared.
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Daphne and Fred''': What?
:'''Angel Dynamite/Cassidy''': It was all an accident. We should have never been in that condemned church. But Brad said he'd seen someone coming and going at night, and he wanted to investigate. We thought we'd found a treasure map, but it wasn't treasure; it was a threat, to not just our lives but the lives of our families. The thing in those caves forced us to leave Crystal Cove, or those who loved us would pay the price.
:(''Shaggy and Scooby are terrified'')
:'''Shaggy''': L-l-like, who threatened you?
:'''Angel Dynamite/Cassidy''': He called himself the Freak. The Freak of Crystal Cove. There, now you know the truth. That's what happened to the original Mystery Incorporated, and it will happen to all of you if you don't stop! Forget about the Planispheric Disk. Give Pericles your piece, or Mr. E. I don't care. The mystery is over. Let it end tonight!
:'''Fred''': You lied to us, Angel. You've been lying to us from the beginning. Why should we listen to anything you have to say to us now? This mystery isn't over until we say it's over. Come on, gang.
:'''Angel Dynamite/Cassidy''': No. No, you don't understand. He's still out there. (''The gang drives away'') The Freak is still out there!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Freak''': The curse begun, but soon they'll see, the buried truth will end with me. (''laughs'')

===All Fear the Freak===
:'''Pericles''': Hello, Ed Machine.
:'''Ed''': What are you doing here?
:'''Pericles''': I'd like you to deliver a message to Ricky. Or should I call him ''Mr. E''?
:'''Ed''': (''last words'') Say what you want to say Pericles, then get out of my house.
:'''Pericles''': (''chuckles'') Dear Ed, you misunderstand. I don't want to say ''anything''. (''attacks Ed Machine in the dark'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''The gang arrives at an old ruined church'')
:'''Fred''': This is where the mystery started, gang. And tonight, this is where it ends.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nan''': ''[gasps] [Barty: Unh!] [Points Mayor Jones and grabs Daphne and takes Daphne home]'' This is your fault, mystery incorporated is over.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheriff Stone''': What have you kids done now? First I get a hysterical call from the Rogers saying Scooby and Shaggy jumped out the window during still life night. And then other parents start phoning, saying that their kids have disappeared. And then Angel calls me all frantic about-- Who is this guy?
:'''Fred''': I'll tell you who he is, Sheriff. The Freak of Crystal Cove... (''unmasks the Freak'') is my father.
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Daphne and Velma''': Mayor Jones?
:'''Sheriff Stone''': (''gasps'') But...?
:'''Mayor Jones''': How did you know?
:'''Fred''': When I found out both pictures of my mother were just cut-outs from a magazine, I checked the dates on the back. It was the same day I was born, or what you said was the same day I was born. Still, I wasn't sure. Not until now. Why?
:'''Mayor Jones''': Why do you think? Because of the curse. For years I'd heard about the curse and the supposed haunted treasure. That was the reason I came to Crystal Cove. I'd been accepted to Darrow University's history department, which gave me access to the town archives. When I found the story about the conquistadors that disappeared, I decided to disguise myself and begin my search for the Planispheric Disk. Sadly, I found nothing. Until Mystery Incorporated walked into the library seeking advice. They had no idea what they'd found. Well, that wasn't true. Actually, their mascot knew. For access to my knowledge, Pericles was willing to betray his friends. We concocted a scheme to blackmail the kids into leaving town by threatening them with fabricated documents implicating their parents in various crimes. They were unaware of my true identity, but I still had one loose end. Pericles had to go. I placed an anonymous call to the police implicating him in the kids' disappearance. By the time, Pericles woke, he was already in custody. He was sentenced to spend the rest of his miserable parrot life where he belonged... in a cage. Becoming mayor allowed me to continue my search for the remaining pieces. And I would have found them, too, if it weren't for you, my meddling-- Fred.
:'''Fred''': That still doesn't explain what happened to my mother. I wanna know where she is.
:'''Mayor Jones''': The truth is, I don't know. I assume she's still with Brad Chiles.
:'''Daphne''': Wait, are you saying that Judy Reeves is Fred's mother? But that would mean...
:'''Mayor Jones''': Brad Chiles is your real father. (''Fred is shocked'') Two years after they left, Brad tried to return to Crystal Cove. By that time, he and Judy had married and she'd given birth to a baby boy. I had to stop Brad. I took you and told him you'd be safe, as long as they never returned again.
:'''Fred''': All this for a treasure no one's even sure exists? Where's the piece?
:'''Mayor Jones''': Fred, you're still my son. I raised you.
:'''Fred''': You used me. Where'd you hide it? In your pocket? (''tries to search the piece in his pocket but it's empty'')
:'''Mayor Jones''':  It's gone? We have to find it. That piece is priceless. Fred! (''Fred puts Mayor Jones down'') Uhh. Fred! (''Fred runs away and Daphne follows him'')
:'''Sheriff Stone''': (''sobbing'') Tell me this isn't true.
:'''Daphne''': Fred, I'm sorry. You'll get through this.
:'''Fred''': My whole life has been a lie, Daphne. I have parents I've never known.
:'''Daphne''': We'll find them. Together.
:'''Fred''': No. I need to do this on my own. I'm sorry, Daphne, the engagement is off. I'm leaving Crystal Cove, and I'm leaving tonight, and do nothing.
:'''Daphne''': But what about us? Mystery Incorporated?
:'''Fred''': This is Velma's fault, Scooby is not getting farm anymore.
:'''Shaggy''': But...
:'''Fred''': ''[points Nan]'' You're fired. You're Shaggy is not getting soldier general anymore. Mystery Incorporated is dead. (''walks away'')
:'''Nan''': You can't fired me, I quit!
:'''Daphne''': Shaggy, Scooby, do something.
:'''Shaggy''': Freddy. (''his parents stop him and Scooby'') Oh, mom, dad. Like, what gives?
:'''Paula Rogers''': Norville, your father and I have given this a lot of thought, and we feel it best you go away for a while.
:'''Shaggy''': What? Go away?! Like, where?
:'''Colton Rogers''': Farmsdale Military Academy.
:'''Paula Rogers''': And don't worry about Scooby. We found him a nice farm to live on.
:'''Scooby''': (''shocked'') Farm?!
:'''Shaggy''': Huh?!
:'''Velma''': ''[Daphne sobbin']'' It'll be okay, Daph. Fred will come back.
:'''Daphne''': (''crying'') Didn't you hear him? Mystery Incorporated is dead. If you had just told us about Angel sooner, this never would have happened. (''walks away'')
:(''Velma's parents take her in the car'')
:'''Shaggy''': Well, like, dudes, I can't go to military school. I'm an eater, not a fighter.
:'''Pericles''': What an amusing turn of events.
:'''Scooby''': (''yelps'') Pericles!
:'''Pericles''': Don't be afraid, Scooby. I've no reason to hurt you. (''holds up piece'') I have what I came for. (''chuckles'')
:'''Scooby''': The mayor's piece! ''You'' have it!
:'''Pericles''': Two down, four to go. (''opens car window'') Until we meet again, ''auf wiedersehn'', Scooby-Doo. (''laughs and flies away'')
:'''Scooby''': I'll get the gang back together, Pericles. We'll be coming for you, or my name isn't Scooby-Dooby-Doo!

== Season 2 ==

===The Night the Clown Cried===
:'''Crybaby Clown''': You all know me. You know how I earn a living. I'm a bad clown. Stopping me ain't going to be easy. There's no string and a net to catching me like Mano Tiki Tia or Redbeard's ghost. This Crybaby Clown swallow your town whole. (''chuckles'') You want your tourism back? You're gonna pay me $5 million. For that, you get the pacifier, the rattle, the whole darn clown. So what's it going to be? Me, or Mystery Incorporated?
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Well, it sounds like a good deal to me. I'll start passing the hat. So long, mystery goofs.
:'''Scooby''': Hold on, Clown! That is our town.
:'''Shaggy''': (''chuckles nervously'') That's right! And we don't need money to protect it. Although it would be nice-- (''Velma hits him with elbow'') Ow!
:'''Velma''': Freddy, I think it's trapping time.
:'''Fred''': Right, Velma! And I know the perfect g-- the perfect-- ah-- I-- guh!
:'''Mayor Nettles''': What's wrong?
:'''Fred''': I-- my trapping knowledge! It's gone! My mind is-- is empty!
:'''Crybaby Clown''': Wahh wahh. So tragic. Oh, well, I offered. (''The door closes abruptly and the lights are shut off'') Time's up, Crystal Cove.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crybaby Clown''': Aww, this makes me think you don't like me. Wahh wahh! And by the way, building your little donut shop trap next to a fireworks store might not have been the best idea. See ya soon, Mystery Incorporated! (''throws the baby bottle bomb in the fireworks store to explode. Crybaby Clown drives away'')
:'''Velma''': Run!
:'''Fred''': Daphne!
:'''Velma''': Isn't coming!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''':  Well, I think it's safe to say, if the town didn't hate us before. This should certainly do the trick.
:(''Fred feels disappointed'')
:'''Scooby''': Freddy? Are you okay?
:'''Fred''': No, Scoob, I'm not. My trap failed, and for the first time, the bad guy got away. And it's my fault.
:'''Shaggy''': We're all responsible, Fred. We're a team, remember?
:'''Fred''': That's just it, Shaggy. We're not a team. Not without Daphne. And now I know... she's never coming back.

===The House of the Nightmare Witch===
:(''Sheriff Stone handcuffs Baba Yaga'')
:'''Fred''': And now, let's see who Baba Yaga really is. (''unmasks Baba Yaga'')
:'''Everyone''': Curator Vronsky?
:'''Velma''': Exactly. He was using Baba Yaga's house to smuggle stolen Fabergé eggs into the country.
:'''Curator Vronsky''': That's right. I was going to sell them on the black market. Finally, I was to be a rich capitalist with all my loot. I had it planned ''perfectly''. Before becoming a museum curator, I spent many years in Spetsnaz, Soviet Special Forces. This allowed me to make modifications on the house using what I could find on the ship. I even put a remote control in my walking stick to move the house. I needed to get assistant curator Anna Arkadyevna out of the way before she became suspicious of my plan. I tied her up and kept her prisoner in the house while I donned the Baba Yaga costume and used the voice modulator to frighten away the curious. But, when one of the eggs was damaged, I had to alter the plan. But you ''brats'' kept interrupting my repair of the legs. I could not leave any of my precious eggs behind. There were too many. I needed the house to carry them all. And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for you decadent bourgeoisie teenagers and your slobbering, democracy-loving dog!
:'''Anna''': I had my suspicions of Vronsky all along. That is why I came with him. Thank you for saving the Fabergé eggs, our national treasure.

===The Night the Clown Cried II: Tears of Doom!===
:'''Fred''': And now let's see who Crybaby Clown really is. (''unmasks the Crybaby Clown'')
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma, Daphne, Hot Dog Water and Fred''': Baylor Hotner!
:'''Baylor Hotner''': That's right-''ner''. Actor, humanitarian, guy with amazingly super awesome abs. I came here to Crystal Cove to research the part of a crazed clown for my upcoming blockbuster movie, &quot;The Night the Clown Cried&quot;. It was gonna be my ''Oscar''. Using my knowledge of Hollywood makeup and effects and a trick buggy I stole from the back lot, I honed my crazed clown performance to perfection. Then, I built my entourage: a therapist, a hairdresser, a plastic surgeon, and a publicist. Everything I needed to be a great actor. Of course, I put tracking chips in all of them because you have to know where your posse is at all times. I even had an innocent small-town girl that would make me look like the nicest guy. I had it all! And I would have been the world's greatest Hollywood thespian, too, if it hadn't have been for you small-town scene stealers.
:'''Daphne''': (''slaps Baylor'') Small-town that, Baylor Hotner. These are my friends. Take him away, Sheriff.
:(''Sheriff Stone arrests Baylor'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Thanks, guys. You, uh, really saved me.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, you're one of us.
:'''Fred''': Um, you know, Daphne, you could come back to me... to the gang, I mean.
:'''Daphne''': Really? I'd like that. Very much.
:'''Scooby''': (''hugs Daphne'') Hooray! Daphne's back. Group hug. (''Fred, Velma, and Shaggy hug Daphne'') Scooby-Dooby-Doo! And Daphne, too. (''laughs'')

===Web of the Dreamweaver!===
:'''Shaggy''': Hey, gang, look at this. (''shows the newspaper to the gang'') Last night Horbert Feist, prominent banker, drove his car at high speed into the Crystal Cove bank.
:'''Scooby''': Why would he do that?
:'''Daphne''': I don't know and I don't care, but a mystery is just the thing we need now to wipe away our skull-crushing guilt.
:'''Fred''': I'm in. Velma?
:'''Velma''': (''a bit sad'') Sure, I could use a little soul cleansing right about now.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': (''imprisones Horbert Feist'') Horbert Feist, I must advise you not to say anything until your lawyer arrives. And don't say anything then, either!
:(''The gang arrives'')
:'''Fred''': Hi, Sheriff Stone.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': What are you kids doing here?
:'''Daphne''': We've come to ask what you know about Mr. Feist.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': What? Look, who said I knew him? I've never seen him before in my life. (''The gang is confused'') All I know is he's a thief, and he belongs behind bars.
:'''Shaggy''': A thief? Papers didn't say anything about that. What'd he steal?
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Nothing I could find, but you don't need to steal something to be a thief.
:'''Horbert''': Come on, Bronson. You've known me for years! We grew up together. You know I'd never steal anything.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': (''singing and covering his ears'') La la la, la la la, can't hear you, la la la la. (''leaves'')
:'''Fred''': Mr. Feist, can you tell us what happened last night?
:'''Horbert''': Everything was normal. I was asleep, and then I had this terrible dream.
::(''In the dream world, which is a labyrinth based on Escher's House of Stairs, Horbert runs in fear trying to escape from the Dreamweaver until he finds him carrying a glowing purple orb'')
::'''Dreamweaver''': I've come for you, Horbert. (''Horbert runs to the other side but the Dreamweaver appeared on the other side'') Breath of frost. (''uses the purple orb to attack Horbert making him paralyzed'') (''to Horbert's ear'') Level 99.
:'''Horbert''': And the next thing I knew, I was driving my car into the bank.
:'''Shaggy''': That's the weirdest dream I've ever heard, and I've had some pretty weird dreams.
:'''Horbert''': I loved that car... more than my own children! And now it's gone. Gone! (''sobs'')
:'''Velma''': Feist's alibi is pretty weak, and that dream... What does level 99 mean?
:'''Shaggy''': How would I know? Oh. (''whimpers'')
:(''In the dream world, Francilee Jackson runs in fear trying to escape from the Dreamweaver until she finds him'')
:'''Dreamweaver''': No one can escape, Francilee. (''uses the purple orb to shine with lightning and the rope gets out of it'') Ropes of binding!
::'''Francilee''': (''runs to the other side'') No! It can't be! You can't be back! (''The rope catches Francilee'') Please. Please. This can't be happening!
:'''Dreamweaver''': (''to Francilee's ear'') Twenty-sided dice.
:(''The Dreamweaver laughs maniacally and Francilee screams in horror'')
:(''In Francilee's tv show &quot;The Francilee Show&quot;, the audience is applauding'')
:'''Francilee''': Now, no meal is complete without cornbread stuffing. And the best cornbread stuffing in the world is Francilee's Cornbread Stuffing! (''the audience applauds again'') Made from my little ol' super secret family recipe handed down through generations. And the super secret about Francilee's Cornbread Stuffing is there ain't even no corn in it! (''The audience gasps'') Oh, my goodness, why did I say that? (''starts sleeping'')
:(''The screen is shut off by Sheriff Stone, revealing the tv screen in the next scene'')
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Lying about there being corn in your cornbread stuffin'-- that's what we in the sheriffing world call fraud! I think.
:'''Francilee''': (''in the prison cell'') Oh, Bronson, how can you do this to little ol' me? We've known each other since we was chillun!
:'''Sheriff Stone''': What?! I've never seen your face before in my life!
:'''Daphne''': But it's on the box in your hand.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': What box? (''hides the box in his back'') What hand? (''The gang tries to look the box in Sheriff Stone's Back'') I--I have to go now to destroy this very tasty evidence.
:'''Scooby''': Uh, we'll help!
:'''Daphne''': Mrs. Jackson, tell us what happened.
:'''Francilee''': It's a mystery. Took me a nap this afternoon, and I had this frightful dream! When I woke up, I was on the TV, and everyone knew my recipe! I loved that secret stuffin' recipe more than my own chillun, and now it's ruined! (''sobs hardly'')
:'''Velma''': Did your dream by any chance involve a labyrinth, spells, a purple orb, and a mysterious inhuman mage?
:'''Francilee''': Yes, exactly!
:'''Fred''': Did the pointy-eared freakwad say anything?
:'''Francilee''': Yes, he said, &quot;twenty-sided dice.&quot;
:(''Shaggy whimpers and Sheriff Stone is a bit shocked'')
:'''Francilee''': First Horbert, now me? I don't know who all's doing this, but I know who all will be next: Melvin Keisterbaum.
:'''Daphne''': Melvin Keisterbaum?
:(''Daphne drives the Mystery Machine'')
:'''Daphne''': Mr. Keisterbaum lives in the big house next-door to my parents. We have to warn him! (''The gang arrives at Melvin's big house'') We're here. (''knocks the door'') Mr. Keisterbaum? Hello? Guess he's not home.
:(''The gang leaves the mansion, in a moment an explosion appears in it, the gang falls down to the ground'')
:'''Fred''': (''lifts Daphne'') Daph? Unh.
:'''Daphne''': Thanks, Fred.
:'''Fred''': No probs, Daph. It's what anyone who's just a friend would do for anyone else who's just a friend.
:(''Daphne smiles and Velma finds a broken light bulb'')
:'''Velma''': Hmm. What's this? A broken light bulb? Never seen one like this before.
:'''Melvin''': (''arrives'') My mansion! My beautiful mansion! I loved that mansion more than my own children... if I had any.
:'''Daphne''': Mr. Keisterbaum, what happened?
:'''Melvin''': Who knows? One moment I'm asleep on the couch, the next I'm standing in the garden with an empty canister of napalm.
:'''Daphne''': Did you have any dreams?
:'''Melvin''': Yes! I was in a labyrinth, and there were spells, a strange glowing orb, and a terrible monster! He was saying one word over and over: &quot;Dreamweaver. Dreamweaver!&quot;
:'''Velma''': Level 99, twenty-sided dice, Dreamweaver. What's the connection?
:'''Shaggy''': Like, what are you asking me for? Do I look like the kind of nerd that plays Crypts and Creatures?
:'''Fred''': Crypts and Creatures? Isn't that the nerdy fantasy role-playing game that nerdy nerds play?
:'''Shaggy''': Like, it--um--I... OK, fine. Like, yeah. I was a closet C&amp;C player. I used to roll the dice every night.
::(''Flashback starts, in Shaggy's bedroom'')
::'''Shaggy''': (''playing Crypts and Creatures with dice'') Come on, saving throw. Shagdolf needs a new pair of +5 forks of feasting.
::'''Paula Rogers''': (''outside the room door, knocking on it'') Norville? What are you doing in there? Norville?
::'''Shaggy''': Mom! Like, no, mom! No! Don't come in! Please don't come in!
::(''Next, in the school with Emmanuel'')
:'''Shaggy''': (''narrates'') ''Then, one day, I thought my science teacher was a bugbear, and I smote him with a magic missile.''
::'''Shaggy''': I smite thee with magic missile! Magic missile! Magic missile! Magic missile! Magic missile!
::(''Flashback ends'')
:'''Shaggy''': Roll crit. Yes. Double damage! Ha ha ha ha! And that's when I knew I had to quit.
:'''Scooby''': (''laughs'') It's all right to be a nerd, ''Shagdolf''. (''laughs again'')
:(''Sheriff Stone arrives with police car'')
:'''Melvin''': Bronson, he's after us. You're next!
:'''Sheriff Stone''': (''gasps'') I don't know what you're talking about. I don't even know you. Who are you, strange little mustached man?
:'''Melvin''': It's the Dreamweaver!
:'''Sheriff Stone''': (''starts panicking'') What? No. No, it's not possible. The Dreamweaver? THE DREAMWEAVER? Ohh. (''to the gang'') Kids. Kids, you gotta help me. If the Dreamweaver is back, I can never sleep again!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
::(''In the flashback, the young Sheriff Stone, Francilee Jackson, Melvin Keisterbaum and Horbert Feist were playing Crypts and Creatures'')
::'''Young Bronson Stone''': (''to young Melvin'') OK, you've defeated the goblin warriors and now stand in the lair of the diabolical Dreamweaver. (''whispers'') What do you do?
::'''Young Melvin''': I use night vision to check for traps.
::'''Young Francilee''': I drink a large potion of health.
::'''Young Horbert''': I cast detect magic... on my butt!
::(''Young Melvin and Francilee laugh'')
::'''Young Bronson Stone''': If you guys don't take this seriously, I'm gonna take my soda and my dice and go home!
::'''Young Melvin, Francilee and Horbert''': Sorry, Bronson.
::'''Young Bronson Stone''': (''shows the Dreamweaver drawing'') The Dreamweaver, lord of the sleep realm, with his mystical orb of power, stands before you... ready to cast you ''into the abyss''.
::(''Flashback ends'')
:'''Sheriff Stone''': And now the Dreamweaver's come out of the game to finish what he started! AND I'M NEXT. (''sobs'')
:'''Shaggy and Scooby''': Whoa.
:'''Velma''': But why would he go after you guys?
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Aren't you paying attention? It's because we stopped playing CNC. We turned our backs on imagination. Because we grew up!
:'''Shaggy''': (''whimpers'') Like, let's never grow up, Scoob.
:'''Scooby''': Uh-uh, never.
:'''Velma''': We'll go investigate what this light bulb thing is. Shaggy, Scooby, stay here and make sure the Sheriff doesn't fall asleep.
:'''Shaggy and Scooby''': Got it.
:(''Fred, Daphne and Velma go to the Mystery Machine, Velma's cell phone rings, the call is from Mr. E'')
:'''Velma''': (''answers the phone in secret'') Mr. E.
:'''Ricky''': ''I thought you were the smart one, Velma, but you're making mistakes.''
:'''Velma''': I'm smart enough to trust my friends. Mystery Incorporated is a team. That's why I gave Fred the piece of Planispheric Disk.
:(''Next scene in Destroido'')
:'''Ricky''': A team without Hot Dog Water? That was wrong move number 2. Maybe I misjudged you, Velma.
:(''Next scene on the outskirts of the Norville house'')
:'''Ricky''': ''Maybe you don't want to save your friends.'' (''Velma is annoyed'') ''Maybe you don't want to save Crystal Cove. Maybe you--'' (''Velma hangs up her cell phone'')
:'''Fred''': Who was that?
:'''Velma''': Wrong number. (''enters the Mystery Machine'')
::(''In the dream world, Scooby, Shaggy and Sheriff Stone appeared'')
::'''Scooby''': Where are we?
::'''Sheriff Stone''': The lair of the Dreamweaver. It's exactly the way I designed it.
::'''Shaggy''': Next time, design something less scary.
::'''Scooby''': And put in a snack bar.
::(''Sheriff Stone, Shaggy and Scooby walk'')
::'''Sheriff Stone''': I remember the layout perfectly.
::(''Shaggy whimpers'')
::(''Sheriff Stone, Shaggy and Scooby start running trying to find the exit'')
::'''Sheriff Stone''': There's the exit.
::(''The Dreamweaver arrives in front of Sheriff Stone, Shaggy and Scooby'')
::'''Dreamweaver''': Welcome back, Bronson. Time to cast you into the abyss. (''laughs'')
::'''Shaggy''': Like, run!
::(''Sheriff Stone, Shaggy and Scooby run to the other side'')
::'''Dreamweaver''': (''appears on the other side'') Polymorph! (''uses the orb to attack Shaggy and transform into a rabbit'') (''Sheriff Stone, Scooby and rabbit Shaggy run to the other side and the Dreamweaver appears'') Flesh of stone! (''uses the orb to attack Sheriff Stone and transform into a stone'') (''Scooby screams and runs to the other side trying to escape the Dreamweaver'') Crashing tide! (''uses the orb to raise the wave and crush Scooby'')
::'''Scooby''': Uh-oh!
::(''The dream world is interrupted as Sheriff Stone, Shaggy and Scooby woke up wet from bucket of water, thrown by Fred'')
:'''Fred''': Way to go on keeping Sheriff Stone awake, guys.
:'''Shaggy''': We just met the Dreamweaver. He is one scary dude.
:'''Velma''': Sheriff, do you have your Dreamweaver drawing with you?
:'''Sheriff Stone''': It's right here with my character sheets and dice. A CNC player is always ''ready to play''.
:'''Scooby''': Hmm?
:'''Shaggy''': Wait a minute. Hey, Scooby-Doo, which hand did the Dreamweaver juggle his orb with?
:'''Scooby''': Uh, his right. No, l--left.
:'''Shaggy''': Sorry, Sheriff. It seems you're not quite the cryptmaster you thought. The Dreamweaver holds his orb in his off hand, not his main.
:'''Fred''': Uh, in non-nerdspeak?
:'''Daphne''': It means this Dreamweaver is a righty, but ours is a lefty.
:'''Velma''': Sheriff, it's time to face your fears one more time.
::(''In the dream world, Sheriff Stone runs trying to escape from the Dreamweaver'')
::'''Sheriff Stone''': (''panting'') Keep running. Don't look back.
::'''Dreamweaver''': (''laughing'') Rain of fire! (''uses the orb to trap Sheriff Stone with the wall of fire'') I've waited for this for a long, long time. Game over, Bronson.
::'''Sheriff Stone''': Time for some magic of my own. (''unmasks himself revealing to be Fred'')
::'''Fred''': Confess, Dreamweaver.
::(''The Dreamweaver starts panicking, Fred unmasks himself revealing to be Shaggy'')
::'''Shaggy''': Like, confess.
::'''Dreamweaver''': (''scared'') What?
::(''Shaggy unmasks himself revealing to be Daphne'')
::'''Daphne''': Confess!
::'''Dreamweaver''': Aah!
::(''Daphne walks and unmasks herself revealing to be Velma, Dreamweaver walks backwards scared'')
::'''Velma''': Confess!
::(''Velma unmasks herself revealing to be Scooby'')
::'''Scooby''': Confess!
::(''Dreamweaver falls down scared, throws the purple orb, the orb is broken'')
::(''Dream world ends'')
:'''Horbert''': (''wakes up in the bed'') I confess! I did it! I did it! I'M THE DREAMWEAVER!
:(''The gang with Sheriff Stone, Francilee and Melvin appeared'')
:'''Fred''': (''with the dream machine helmet on his head'') Busted.
:'''Horbert''': How--how did you know?
:'''Velma''': In all the dreams, the Dreamweaver held his orb in his left hand. But when we looked at everybody else, guess what? They're all righties. You're the only lefty in the bunch.
:'''Daphne''': This type of light bulb is used to stimulate them sleep. You used them to create this: a dream machine, which allowed you to project yourself into another person's dreams and manipulate them.
:'''Fred''': It cost you millions of dollars, which you loaned yourself from your own bank. Then you drove your car into your bank, blowing it up to cover your tracks.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, the only thing we don't know is why.
:'''Horbert''': (''to Sheriff Stone, Francilee and Melvin'') It was all your fault!
:'''Sheriff Stone, Francilee and Melvin''': (''annoyed'') Huh?
::(''In the flashback, the young Sheriff Stone, Francilee Jackson, Melvin Keisterbaum and Horbert Feist were playing Crypts and Creatures'')
::'''Young Bronson Stone''': Horbert, the Dreamweaver raises his orb, ready to cast his smiting spell. Make a saving throw.
::(''Young Horbert throws the dice to reach the highest number'')
::'''Young Horbert''': Whoo-hoo!
::(''The dice moved to the lowest number, Young Bronson Stone, Francilee, Melvin and Horbert are surprised'')
::'''Young Bronson Stone''': The Dreamweaver laughs as he casts your broken, lifeless elven body ''into the eternal abyss''.
::'''Young Horbert''': (''shocked'') NOOOOO!
::(''Flashback ends'')
:'''Horbert''': I loved that elf, (''sobs'') I LOVED HIM MORE THAN MY OWN CHILDREN! (''annoyed'') (''to Sheriff Stone, Francilee and Melvin'') And you took him away from me. You were all part of it! So I vowed to take away the things you all loved. (''to the gang'') And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you--you ROLE-PLAYING NERDS!
:(''Sheriff Stone handcuffs Horbert and takes him into custody'')
:'''Mrs. Feist''': Horbert, what are these people doing in our bedroom?
:'''Horbert''': Go back to sleep, dear.
:(''The gang walks toward the Jones mansion'')
:'''Shaggy''': Like, man, I really feel Mr. Feist's pain. Losing your CNC character is... intense.
:'''Scooby''': It's OK, Shagdolf. It's OK.
:(''The gang looks at the open front door'')
:'''Velma''': Fred, you left the door wide open.
:(''The gang arrives at the house, the living room is clean'')
:'''Daphne''': Fred, when did you hire a maid?
:'''Fred''': I-I didn't.
:'''Shaggy''': Then, like, who cleaned?
:'''Brad Chiles and Judy Reeves''': (''appear'') We did.
:'''Daphne''': Fred, is that...
:'''Velma''': Brad Chiles and Judy Reeves?
:'''Fred''': Mom? Dad?
:'''Brad''': That's right, Fred.
:'''Judy''': We're your parents.
:'''Brad''': And we're back.
:(''Fred is a bit shocked'')

===The Hodag of Horror===
:'''Fred''': He was stealing this wheel of old cheese.
:'''Velma''': Now let's see who the Hodag really is.
:(''Shaggy opens the cage and Velma unmasks Hodag'')
:'''Everyone''': Roberto!
:'''Scooby''': Where's my Nova?
:'''Velma''': Hold on. (''unmasks Roberto's face'')
:'''Everyone''': A monkey?
:'''Fussbuster''': (''heard in the balcony holding Nova over the edge'') That's right. My monkey. Nobody moves or the dog gets it.
:'''Scooby''': Nova!
:'''Daphne''': Mr. Fussbuster, please, don't hurt Nova. Why are you doing this?
:'''Fussbuster''': It all started back when I was a sailor working the trade boats in Indonesia. I learned you could train a monkey to steal. So that's just what I did. I trained Roberto using bells and used him to build up my fortune. When I rang a bell, he would start taking valuable objects. But he became bell crazy, started stealing bells, too. It drove me insane, all of those bells! And he not only brought home the bells, but whatever were attached to them. You don't know how many cats and cows and hunchbacks he brought home with him! But it was all worth it, as we were just about to steal the 500-year-old cheese you have in your hand.
:'''Fred''': 500-year-old cheese?
:'''Fussbuster''': Yes. It was made right here in Crystal Cove by a master Spanish cheesemaker. It's priceless. And with its theft, I could have finally retired to the Netherlands, where they really enjoy cheese properly.
:'''Velma''': But why the Hodag?
:'''Fussbuster''': Shepherd's security was unbreakable. I needed the key. Seemed the best way to get it. Now, toss the cheese up here and she won't get hurt. (''Nova is whimpering'')
:'''Scooby''': (''growling, grabs the cheese'') Here, Fussbuster. Fetch!
:(''Scooby throws the cheese to Fussbuster, Fussbuster tried to steal it but falls down to grass, and Scooby saves Nova'')
:(''Next scene in the police car with Fussbuster and Roberto ringing the bell'')
:'''Fussbuster''': (''groaning'') And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for those bells. The bells! The bells! (''crying'')

===Art of Darkness!===
:'''Velma''': Let's see who's really behind all this junk. (''grabs the TV head of Junk'')
:'''Randy Warsaw''': I don't get it.
:'''Daphne''': Wait for it. We discovered the strange paralysis of Eeko, Clio, and worker number one had been caused by a rare strand of brewers yeast. Used only in Bavaria. That allowed us to reverse the effect.
:'''Velma''': These guys have been frozen to recreate a picture by the famous Bravarian artist Albrecht von Cartofokauf. So we knew we were looking for someone German.
:'''Randy Warsaw''': I... I still don't get it.
:'''Daphne''': Here's why Randy Warsaw. The real culprit is (''grabs the head out of Junk'') Butch Furbanks.
:'''Butch''': Fine, you got me. But don't expect my introspective personality to register guilt.
:'''Daphne''': His real name is Hans van Shanengruber.
:'''Velma''': Before Butch joined &quot;Sunday Around Noonish&quot; he released an album of classical accordion music. It reached number one in the Bravarian hit parade. But soon fizzled.
:'''Fred''': Using powerful electro magnets, and his expert knowledge of musical instruments, Butch was able to control your junk sculpture and make it attack you.
:'''Shaggy''': Like the only thing we don't know is why?
:'''Butch''': Alright, look I did it for art.
:'''Randy Warsaw''': That can't be right, can it?
:'''Butch''': Okay, that's a lie. The truth is I hated what you made me in to. All I ever wanted to do was play polkas in a Bravarian Oompa band. A beautiful dream that I lived until I came to work for you, Randy Warsaw. You changed me. You transformed me. Molded me in to a dark band leader, playing and singing horrible intellectual music. You took everything from me. And I wanted to make you pay. Pay! And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for you meddling polka haters. (''Sheriff takes Butch into custody'') (''to Scooby'') Oh and your singing stinks, nobody understands a word you're saying.
:'''Scooby''': That's outrageous!
:'''Randy Warsaw''': Well, thank you, Mystery Incorporated. You've saved modern art from the clutches of the boudoir. There's only one this left to say: I find you all horribly, horribly boring. So, get out of here. Shoo, shoo. Go away. (''leaves'')
:'''Scooby''': Uh, Mr. Warsaw, can I keep the wig?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': It's okay, gang. Sometimes people just don't appreciate it when you save the day. That's just the price of our... art.
:'''Cassidy''': (''on the Mystery Machine radio'') ''Listen up, boppers. Because I've got a brand new radio show coming at you right now. Across the airwaves.'' (''Next scene in K-Ghoul'') It's all about the truth. Evil resides in Crystal Cove. (''Next scene in Jones mansion, Brad and Judy hear her'') ''So stay tuned and maybe, just maybe...'' (''Next scene in Mystery Machine, the gang hears her'') ''We'll all get through this thing alive.''

===The Gathering Gloom===
:'''Fred''': Velma! Scooby! We heard explosions. Are you okay?
:'''Moder''': Oh! What have you done to our cemetery?
:'''Velma''': What we've done is capture the Graveyard Ghoul. And now, let's see who he really is. (''unmasks the Graveyard Ghoul'') Evallo.
:'''Shaggy''': Well, what do you know? It really was the most obvious suspect. (''chuckles'') Who would have guessed?
:'''Velma''': Evallo was stealing natural gas from the Crystal Cove gas company.
:'''Evallo''': Yes, that is right. I did it. I, count Evallo von Meanskrieg, developed a perfectly evil plan und used my position as gravedigger to cover my activities. But the crowd from the Mayor's movie night meant someone might notice what I was up to. I had to scare them off! Thus, my genius evil plan of the Graveyard Ghoul was born. Unfortunately, the flame-broiling grill was incredibly dangerous so close to my gas lines. I had to stop it. Which led to my capture. Sadly, I, the evil count Evallo von Meanskrieg, would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for this Sheriff and his American-style barbecue.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': (''closes the police car door'') You all saw that, right? I caught the right guy, and on purpose! (''drives away'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ricky''': (''prepares grape juice'') I'm glad you came. I wasn't sure you would.
:'''Pericles''': Of course, Ricky. I'm happy you invited me.
:'''Ricky''': To a future of unimaginable wealth.
:'''Pericles''': To the treasure. For with it, we shall rule the world.
:'''Ricky''': A meeting of this momentous importance deserves some mood music. (''turns on the radio'')
:'''Cassidy''': ''Remember, all you listeners out there, something bad is going down at Crystal Cove. And by down, I mean underneath. Watch out for any foul play, especially of the feathered kind.
:'''Pericles''': (''shuts down the radio'') Ahh, Cassidy. If we are to continue, she will need to be silenced ''forever''.
:'''Ricky''': Agreed. Forever.
:(''Pericles and Ricky clink glasses'')

===Night on Haunted Mountain===
:'''Daphne''': How in the world did a ship get all the way up here?
:'''Velma''': Maybe this can tell us. It's the ship's manifest. The writing's in Español, but I aced honor's Spanish. I can translate. &quot;I fear I may have doomed us all. After months of filling our hold... &quot;
:(''In the flashback with narrating conquistador'')
:'''Conquistador''': ...with treasure, we were about to set sail when word was delivered of an even greater prize: a sarcophagus of the purest crystal, filled to the brim with black pearls of immense value. A king's ransom! The men and I were overtaken with a desire to find this great treasure. And after several months of searching, find it we did. What we didn't realize was that the Entity that dwelled inside that crystal sarcophagus had been searching for us as well. In our thirst for power and wealth, we had discovered a terrible evil. It preyed upon our fears, driving us to commit Horrible acts. Finally, in an act of desperation to stop what we had become, I set the ship ashore on the mission coast, in a cove we named after what we would soon bring there: '''Crystal Cove'''.
:(''Flashback interrupted'')
:'''Shaggy''': Zoinks! Ha ha! Like, that means...
:'''Fred''': These are the conquistadors that founded our town!
:'''Daphne''': The ones that disappeared!
:(''Flashback continues'')
:'''Conquistador''': I used the arcanical ''Disco Planisférico'', to map our location, and we buried the evil treasure deep, deep underground. Then, we broke the disk into 6 pieces and went our separate ways. I concealed my piece aboard the ship and artfully protected it by a large number of lethal mechanical devices. I brought the ship here, to the top of this mountain, to stay hidden forever.
:(''Flashback ends'')
:'''Velma''': It's signed Fernando El Aguirre, captain of the &quot;Santa Lucia&quot; of Spain.
:'''Daphne''': Jeepers! You know what this means? The fifth piece of the Planispheric Disk is right here on this ship!
:'''Shaggy''': Then let's find it and get out of here before that crazy chick shows up again! Hoo-hoo!
:'''Scooby''': Yeah!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': (''sniffs'') There's that smell again. Of course. (''sees the broken disguise in the right leg'') HOT DOG WATER. (''The Dark Lilith runs away with the piece #5 of the Planispheric Disk'') Marcie, wait!
:'''Dark Lilith/Marcie''': (''unmasks herself'') Hello, Velma.
:'''Velma''': Why would you--wait. Of course. Mr. E. You're still working for him. But you couldn't outwit the captain's traps without Fred.
:'''Marcie''': That's right. So humiliating to have to rely on a guy. I repurposed my old Manticore outfit and super helium technology to create the Dark Lilith disguise. Then, I lured Gary and Ethan here by falsely telling them professional soccer players worked their calf muscles on Mount Diabla. I knew Fred would talk you guys into investigating what happened to them. Then, Fred could spring the traps, and I could get the piece. (''sighs'') But you're a hard girl to fool, V. I'm glad you recognized me.
:'''Velma''': Me too. So, how's this gonna end?
:'''Marcie''': (''sadly gives the piece to Velma'') Here. Friendship should always come first, and-- well, you're the only friend I've ever had.
:'''Velma''': What about Mr. E? He'll hunt you down and destroy you.
:'''Marcie''': He'll have to catch me first. See you around, Velma Dinkley. (''walks away'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': Way to go, Velma! I thought Dark Lilith was going to end up with the fifth piece for sure.
:'''Scooby''': Where'd the evil lady go?
:'''Velma''': No idea. Flew away, I guess.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': Well, gang, with the 3 pieces we have, the two pieces Pericles stole, that means there's--
:'''Scooby''': Just one more piece to go.
:'''Daphne''': Yeah, and why do I get the feeling that even if we don't find number 6? It'll end up finding us.
:(''The gang drives away'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ghost of a Conquistador''': Nibiru. (''laughs and slowly fades'')

===Grim Judgement===
:'''Daphne''': Looks like Hebediah Grim won't be judging anybody, now that we know he's really...
:(''Scooby and Daphne unmasks the 2 Hebediah Grims'')
:'''Scooby''': Gary and Ethan.
:'''Ethan''': Ugh! How did you know?
:'''Gary''': Yeah! We were, like, totally sneaky!
:'''Velma''': Not so totally, I'm afraid. The odd indentations in Hebediah Grim's footprints turned out to be soccer cleat marks. Gary's chat video was pre-recorded. I hacked your laptop and found the original recordings.
:'''Fred''': Two missing costumes meant there could be two Hebediah Grims.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, worst of all, you guys tried to frame Doogle McGuiness by putting a yearbook on his porch: Ethan's yearbook!
:'''Velma''': So judge that, you losers. (''throws the yearbook hardly'') Booyah! Who wants to judge me now? Huh? Who? You want to judge me? You? In your face! YEAH!
:'''Scooby''': Velma, you're scaring me.
:'''Fred''': The real question is, why? Why did you guys do it?
:'''Gary and Ethan''': Girls.
:'''Gary''': Duh. We wanted to terrify girls and then rescue them so they'd fall for us, just like the knights did in the old west before the dragons went away.
:'''Ethan''': Yeah. Knights terrorize and save damsels to score dates with them all the time.
:'''Fred''': Huh. I never thought about it that way.
:'''Daphne''': But why did you both dress up?
:'''Ethan''': We don't trust each other. Tag-teaming was the only option.
:'''Gary''': And we would have gotten away with it if any of you mystery, stink losers had lives.

===Night Terrors===
:'''Velma''': Now, let's see who's really behind all this Terrorwood smoke. (''unmasks the Fiend'')
:'''Everyone''': Dan Fluunk?
:'''Daphne''': That doesn't make any sense.
:'''Shaggy''': You seemed like the nicest guy.
:'''Scooby''': Why, Dan? Why?
:'''Dan''': It's this place. I can't take it! I've been here since I was born. My family's been caretakers of the Burlington Mansion, and then, the Burlington Library, for generations. I was born here, been here every day of my life, all alone up here on this mountain, tending this darn library! Where it always seemed to be snowing and I could never get warm. Never! I hate the cold. I hate the snow! But the library could never be closed. I never got a vacation, not one. I found out about the Terrorwood when I accidentally burned some. So I decided to use it to scare away anyone and everyone that came here. So eventually, no one would come anymore, and I could close the place forever and go someplace warm. And I would have done it, too, been somewhere warm by now, if it wasn't for you meddling snow-bound brats. (''Next scene, outside of Burlington Library, Dan Fluunk is taken into custody by two deputies'') I don't mind going to prison. Not one bit! At least I'll finally be someplace warm! (''laughs hysterically'')

===The Midnight Zone===
:(''In K-Ghoul, Cassidy is speaking through microphone'')
:'''Cassidy''': That's why I'm here to tell you the truth. There aren't any real ghosts in Crystal Cove. It's like the open-all-hours gym, it just isn't open all hours. And that's just the tip of the false-berg. Give me time, and I will tell you everything I know about Crystal Cove enough to blow your mind. Aah! (''the wall is exploded interrupting her, a big robot soldier arrives'') You just made a big mistake. Hyah! (''attacks robot throwing discs, it tries punching her, she dodges it'') (''attacks robot with metal stick, it throws lounge chair to her, she dodges it again'') Hyah! (''decapitates robot head with a kick'') Don't think you can come in my house and make a mess.
:'''Robot soldier''': (''speaks in German meaning self-destruction and counts'')
:'''Cassidy''': Oh, great.
:(''Cassidy runs away from K-Ghoul and survives from the explosion by self-destrucing robot soldier'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''The gang arrives with Mystery Machine'')
:'''Daphne''': Cassidy! We heard about the explosion! Are you hurt?
:'''Fred''': We brought ointment.
:(''Cassidy shows her big shotgun'')
:'''Scooby''': (''gasps'')
:'''Shaggy''': She hates ointment!
:'''Cassidy''': Hit the dirt!
:(''The gang gets down behind a big robot soldier, Cassidy shoots it'')
:'''Daphne''': Cassidy, what's going on?
:'''Velma''': Start with why there's a World War II-era robot on the ground.
:'''Cassidy''': We can't talk here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shaggy''': Like, dude, why were you attacked by a robot?
:'''Cassidy''': Actually, I've been attacked by 6 robots. It started last week, and it's getting worse. I would have told you sooner, but you all don't trust me.
:'''Velma''': With good reason. You lied to us.
:'''Cassidy''': I hear you. But I've changed. Ask me anything, and I will tell you the truth.
:'''Daphne''': OK. What's the story with you and Mr. E? Why did you help him?
:'''Cassidy''': It's, um, complicated.
:'''Daphne''': (''sighs'') Wrong answer.
:(''Another robot rises in the ocean'')
:'''Velma''': Hold on, gang. Check this out. (''picks up a small sea thing inside robot arm'') Interesting. This is a Lassiter Gringol mollusk.
:'''Scooby''': Looks like a snail. Yecch!
:'''Velma''': It is a snail, Scooby, a rare sea snail, (''a robot soldier sees the gang, preparing to attack'') whose picky mollusk diet restricts it to a deep Costa marine trench, located right off Crystal Cove. These robots must have an underwater origin in that trench. (''robot soldier arrives in front of the gang'') Aaah!
:'''Robot soldier''': (''speaks in German, tries to attack the gang but it's hit by an arrow and hits the wall'')
:'''Skipper''': Go back to the deep where you came from, you scurvy tin fish! You rusty scalawags are worse than sea rats! (''to the gang'') Sorry about that, kids. Free brine and cuttlefish on the house.
:'''Fred''': Gang, we need to get to that trench.
:'''Daphne''': And I know someone who can get us there.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': There she is.
:'''Cassidy''': It's over, Miss October Pest. Call off the bots. (''turns the chair and sees the corpse'') Ugh!
:'''Shaggy''': Like, that is worse than robots.
:'''Frau's corpse''': ''Nibiru.''
:'''Scooby''': Did that thing... just ''whisper?''
:'''Fred''': I heard it, too. It sounded like...
:'''Velma''': Nibiru.
:'''Daphne''': You think that was her name?
:'''Velma''': No. Her name was Frau Abigail Glück. She was part of the Benevolent Lodge of Mystery, the mystery-solving gang formed by Burlington in the 1880s. And when I got back from the Burlington Library, someone had pinned a picture of another mystery-solving group on my wall: The Darrow Family.
:'''Daphne''': Including us and the original Mystery Incorporated? That makes 4 groups.
:'''Velma''': My guess-- there's more. Almost as if ''this'' has all happened before.
:(''Pericles and the Kriegstaffebots appear'')
:'''Pericles''': Exactly right. Mystery Incorporated.
:'''Everyone''': Professor Pericles?
:'''Pericles''': Ah! Lovely. I see you have met what's left of Frau Glück. I met Frau Glück in Bavaria in the 1930s. She discovered the missionaries possessed the fifth and the sixth pieces of the Planispheric Disk. She built this lab and a host of robots to aid her search for the pieces. I finally found this lab and continued the Frau's work, building a legion of her Kriegstaffebots to retrieve the pieces for me. My holographic masquerade as Frau Glück bought my bots all the time they needed. And I would have gotten away with eliminating Cassidy if it weren't for you meddling kids. Now that I have everything I need, I can dispose of this place and all of you at the same time. (''takes the piece of the Planispheric Disk'') Farewell, darling kinder. Farewell. (''escapes the underwater lab in an escape capsule'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': We're leaving now!
:'''Tub''': I wish! Moby's stuck!
:'''Tom''': The only way we can leave is if someone stays behind and keeps the doors open with this manual override lever!
:'''Cassidy''': I'll do it.
:'''Daphne''': No!
:'''Cassidy''': I'll be right behind you. Trust me, I'm a fast swimmer. (''The gang feels a bit shocked'') Go! I'll be fine. Go.
:(''The gang, Tom and Tub enter the submarine, Daphne stays to talk'')
:'''Daphne''': What we were talking about before, about regret-- you weren't talking about me and Fred. You were talking about you and Mr. E. You loved him once, didn't you?
:'''Cassidy''': (''last words'') What E and I had, we lost a long time ago. Don't make the same mistake I did. Now, go!
:(''Cassidy keeps the switch that opened the door and the submarine escapes the laboratory destroyed'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Do you see her?
:'''Tom''': Don't worry. She's here somewhere.
:(''The seal Scooby appears in the water, calling the gang'')
:'''Daphne''': Look, gang. He's holding something.
:(''The seal Scooby shows the broken helmet'')
:'''Daphne''': Ah! (''The gang is sad'') Oh no! No, Fred. (''cries'')
:'''Fred''': Easy, Daphne. I'm sure she got out. Right, guys?
:'''Shaggy''': Like, yeah. Definitely.
:'''Scooby''': She saved us.
:'''Velma''': I guess maybe... we were wrong about Cassidy.

===Scarebear===
:'''Daphne''': Where are we?
:'''Fred''': It looks like an avocado orchard.
:'''Shaggy and Scooby''': Ooh. Guacamole.
:'''Velma''': Lithium. Toxic. See what it's doing to the Avocados?
:'''Fred''': Look, tracks!
:'''Scooby''': Huh?
:(''The gang looks at the tracks and think they see the Scarebear in the dark, George Avocados arrives'')
:'''Fred''': George Avocados?
:'''Avocados''': That's A''voc''ados, you delinquent. What are you doing on my land?
:'''Shaggy''': Like, dude, this is your land?
:'''Avocados''': My family has farmed avocados on this land for generations. Because you horrid children unmasked my dear father as a diamond thief, my reputation has been besmirched, forcing me to work my fingers to the bone so I can keep myself in the wealthy manner to which I have become accustomed.
:'''Daphne''': You know, if you're looking to make some money, I bet you could sell that coat for... (''Avocados looks a bit annoyed at her'') Hmm.
:(''A small creature falls to the ground, and runs with spider paws to the top of the tree'')
:'''Velma''': Uh, is that normal avocado behavior?
:'''Avocados''': Destroido! They're ruining my crops, and there's nothing I can do about it!
:'''Fred''': Why not?
:'''Avocados''': Because, dim young man, Destroido won't even allow me onto their property without a Destroido passport, which only they can issue. Now, get off my land.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. E''': ARREST THEM!
:'''Mayor Nettles''': Now, hold on, sheriff?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Now, it's time to see who the Scarebear really is.
:(''Fred unmasks Scarebear'')
:'''Everyone''': Benson Fuhrman?
:'''Benson''': That's right. And Fuhrman isn't my real name. It's Hairmore.
:'''Fred''': Why did you change it?
:'''Benson''': Isn't it obvious, man? Hairmore would give me away as the Scarebear and, duh. All I wanted was to expose Destroido for the sick, soul-destroying evil that it is. Destroido ruins lives and pays the victims to keep quiet. Well, this is one victim who won't remain quiet any longer.
:'''Daphne''': How are you a victim? You look fine.
:'''Benson''': Do I, pretty scarlet-headed temptress? What if I told you that I am not, in fact, wearing a bear suit, but I'm covered completely in animal hair?
:'''Fred''': Except for your face?
:'''Benson''': It would be covered, too, square-jawed, handsome young hero, if I didn't have to shave every few hours just to maintain my non-hirsute appearance. You see: I purchased a bottle of gentle rain flower body wash for men, a heavenly scent designed to bring the ladies running. What I didn't know was that the company, Musky Farms, is a division of Destroido, and that there's a side effect. When I contacted Destroido about the product turning me into a hairy bear-man, the company acted as if what had happened to me was nothing. They tried to pay me off. Destroido ruined my life. So I was determined to find evidence that their body wash was toxic. I got the job as head of security and created the Scarebear suit out of taxidermied bear parts. I'm particularly proud of the claws which I purchased from a school for gifted children. I discovered that gentle rain flower was originally marketed as a lawn growth fertilizer that was so toxic, it destroyed an entire town. They didn't even change the formula. I was in the process of uploading the incriminating files to my website when you kids broke into my lab. My plan was to finally expose Destroido tonight at their own charity ball. I wanted to show the entire world what they had done. And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for you meddling, mutant animal-hating kids.
:'''Fred''': Gee. I feel kind of bad that we got in the way. Destroido deserves to be exposed.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Unfortunately, since Destroido is its own sovereign nation, I can't arrest anyone.
:'''Daphne''': Oh, Sheriff! (''hugs Sheriff Stone'') You're wonderful!
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Huh?
:'''Mayor Nettles''': I'll explain it later.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, speaking of explaining, we still don't know who set the bomb.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pericles''': They do not suspect us of having set the bomb. Excellent.
:'''Ricky''': Not so excellent, however, is the fact that it didn't work. That idiot trap fiend found a way to blow up my bomb, and the gang walked free. I would have destroyed my own company to get those Planispheric Disk pieces. These children are proving hard to handle.
:'''Pericles''': We must find another way. Perhaps somebody close who can betray the kinder without them ever seeing it coming.
:'''Ricky''': Of course. Brad and Judy.
:'''Pericles''': Question is, will they be willing to betray their only son?

===Wrath of the Krampus===
:'''Pericles''': Perfect.
:'''Judy''': All the pieces of...
:'''Brad''': The Planispheric Disk are ours!
:'''Ricky''': I believe it's time to put all of it together.
:(''The old gang goes to the lair and find that the pieces are gone, only DVD'')
:'''Brad''': I don't understand.
:'''Judy''': Where are our pieces?
:(''Ricky plays the DVD on the DVD player'')
:(''Video starts'')
:'''Fred''': ''If you're watching this, you're probably wondering what's happened to your pieces of the Planispheric Disk. In a word, you've been scammed, conned, bamboozled.''
:'''Daphne''': ''That's 3 words, Fred, but I think they get the idea. We did this to you.''
:'''Scooby''': ''Yeah.''
:'''Shaggy''': ''And we will be more than happy to tell you how we did it.''
:'''Velma''': ''It was all an elaborate plan masterminded by your very own Freddie.''
:'''Fred''': ''We created Krampus by borrowing Charlie the Haunted Robot and dressing him up in clothes we bought off German gypsies who live in Crystal Cove's haunted forest.''
:'''Velma''': ''As for Krampus moving around, he was being remote controlled by Jason Wyatt, who agreed to help for lenience from the Mayor on his mother's sentence.''
:'''Shaggy''': ''Like, Jason also helped create an invisible aerosol that was used to turn hair white and make it grow long for added effect.''
:'''Fred''': ''We needed to keep you away from the vault. You following us following Krampus was the perfect way to keep you distracted so we could carry out our master plan: Breaking into Mr. E's vault.''
:'''Daphne''': ''Freddy planted a bug on Brad Chiles' clothing so that we could get the code to the vault.''
:'''Scooby''': ''And once we had that code...''
:'''Velma''': ''We could give it to our operative. Someone with intimate knowledge of Mr. E's lair: Hot Dog Water.''
:'''Ricky''': (''surprised'') Hot Dog Water?
:'''Velma''': ''I still know how to get in touch with her.''
:'''Shaggy''': ''Like, when Velma told Hot Dog Water what we had planned, HDW was in.''
:'''Scooby''': ''And while we stole the real pieces...''
:'''Fred''': ''You were stealing fake ones.''
:'''Daphne''': ''The real pieces were instead safely hidden with the one person no one would ever suspect: Fred's fake father, the ex-Mayor Jones.''
:'''Fred''': ''My not-really-my-dad dad may have betrayed us once to get the disk pieces, but when he heard what we were planning, he was more than glad to help us take you down.''
:'''Shaggy''': ''And, like, Mary Anne Gleardan also agreed to help us after the current Mayor offered her lenience on her sentence.''
:'''Scooby''': ''She really wants to go back to the seventh grade.''
:'''Fred''': ''I guess I secretly hoped you guys might not try to steal the pieces from us. But I guess I always knew you would. Which leaves me with only one thing left to say: Real mom, real dad, don't expect me home for dinner. Ever.''
:'''Scooby''': ''And we're taking Nova with us, too. You don't deserve her.''
:(''Video ends'')
:(''The old gang is shocked'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Oh. Let's see what it looks like: The whole Planispheric Disk.
:(''The gang reassembles the pieces of the Planispheric Disk'')
:(''The disk is shining'')
:'''Shaggy''': Like, whoa.
:'''Velma''': It's beautiful.
:'''Fred''': We have the whole thing. That leaves only one question.
:'''Scooby''': What do we do now?
:(''The next scene depicts the crystal coffin with eyes glowing beneath Crystal Cove'')
:'''Crystal coffin's voice''': ''Nibiru.'' (''laughs'')

===Heart of Evil===
:'''Dr. Zin''': (''crying'') I have failed you, my dragon. What bitterness to lose with the Quest-X power source in our grasp. It's all your fault!
:'''Dynomutt''': My fault? Gee, what'd I do? I hadn't a clue!
:'''Blue Falcon''': Allow me to elucidate, Dog Wonder. It's time you knew the truth. 
::(''In the flashback, Radley Crown shoots the gun to Dragon, Dragon grabs him'')
::'''Blue Falcon''': (''narrates'') ''You were once an ordinary but beloved security dog... until tragedy struck.''
::(''The dog bites Dragon's back that explodes, dog loses consciousness'')
::(''Next scene in the laboratory'')
::'''Dr. Quest''': Radley, I was able to replace most of Reggie's damaged body parts with robotic replacements. Now, for the tricky part: the heart.
::'''Race Bannon''': But doctor, are you telling me you're going to power this dog with the most powerful generator on the planet?
::'''Dr. Quest''': He's a living thing, Race, and deserves no less.
::(''Flashback ends'')
:(''Dynomutt chuckles'')
:'''Velma''': But Dynomutt wasn't the only cyborg created in that explosion, was he, Dr. Zin?
:'''Dr. Zin''': No. Stealing the Quest-X was to be a trial run for my greatest creation: the Dragon battle suit. So, precious was this invention, I trusted only one person to test it: my own daughter. The accident fused the suit to Jenny and has been feeding off of her life force ever since. How did you know?
:'''Velma''': The Dragon registered a heat signature on Mr. E's scanners.
:'''Fred''': But why the obsession with Dynomutt?
:'''Dr. Zin''': Not the dog, the Quest-X inside! With that to power the Dragon suit, my Jenny would survive. But now...
:'''Blue Falcon''': I had no idea.
:'''Dynomutt''': Oh, my goodness gracious! Why didn't you say so? Never to busy to help a fellow cyborg with a jump start.
:(''Dynomutt uses a power cable to the Dragon suit'')
:'''Blue Falcon''': Dog Wonder, no! The feedback could destroy you both!
:'''Fred''': It's gonna blow!
:(''The Dragon suit almost exploded with a flash, it raised and opened itself to release Dr. Zin's daughter, Jenny, she collapsed, Dr. Zin helped her'')
:'''Jenny''': Father?
:'''Dr. Zin''': Jenny!
:'''Scooby''': Aww! Isn't that sweet? (''giggles'')
:'''Dr. Zin''': Robot dog, meddling kids, man in bird suit, you have my thanks. I have spent so many years pursuing my evil plan of global domination, I sometimes forget the beauty of a simple act of selfless kindness. (''Fred and Daphne smile at each other'') (''mocking'') It's a pity you must all now be destroyed as this island explodes with the fury of 1,000 suns! (''Both Dr. Zin and Jenny laugh'')
:'''Jenny''': Good one, dad! Let's motor.
:(''Dr. Zin and Jenny escape with their jetpacks'') 
:'''Dynomutt''': Well, for an evil, crazed scientist, he certainly has a unique sense of humor.
:'''Shaggy''': Let's get out of here!
:'''Scooby''': Yipe!
:(''The gang with Blue Falcon and Dynomutt escape the island'')

===Theater of Doom===
:'''Brad''': But--
:'''Ricky''': Stifle it, Chiles. Pericles has the floor.
:'''Pericles''': So, the kinder still have the disk. You couldn't even manipulate your own son? Pathetic.
:'''Brad''': Fine. We failed.
:'''Judy''': That's right, Brad.
:'''Brad''': Not now, Judy. (''to Pericles'') Aren't you the smart one who should have seen through Fred's ruse?
:'''Pericles''': Don't push me, older pretty boy. I want those pieces, and since you and your sweet, dumb bride failed me, it is up to you to recover them before people get ''hurt''. (''his paws break the table part'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Scooby''': Alright, Velma, start singing.
:'''Velma''': Uh. ''[sings; Friar Serra and His Donkey, Porto while playing the Acoustic Guitar. Gasps]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': Now, let's see who this ghostly monk really is. (''unmasks Serra's face'')
:'''Everyone''': George Avocados? (''The crowd is surprised'')
:'''Avocados''': That's A''voc''--ah. Oh, forget it. That's right. It is me.
:'''Fred''': Yes! Finally! I knew you'd be the villain eventually.
:'''Avocados''': All right, you got me. And I suppose you're wondering, after so many prior misdirects, why now.
:'''Daphne''': Actually, no. Not really. We kind of always knew you were evil.
:'''Avocados''': Hmmph! Okay, fine. Then my tale should not surprise. It all began after I failed in politics. I had no choice but to go into the family business: Farming avocados. Everything was going so well until you mystery brats blew up my crops. I then tried my hand at fortune telling. But when that endeavor failed... I fell back on the A''voc''ados legacy of stealing other people's things. I located the A''voc''ados diamond, stolen by my father. Turns out, it actually was disguised as a door knob, not on a door in Crystal Cove, but on a door at the Burlington Library. When I found out it was among the artifacts sent here for the production. I took a job as a janitor. I needed everyone to stay clear of the basement to give me time to look. I hid the body of Friar Serra in a closet and assumed his identity. Knowing this town's gullibility, I knew a ghost story would give me room to hunt. And I would have succeeded, TOO, if it weren't for Vincent van Ghoul.
:'''Vincent van Ghoul''': Moi?
:'''Velma''': So the brown residue that was left behind...
:'''Avocados''': That's right. Guacamole! Now, I want my diamond! (''tries to grab the diamond staff but Daphne grabbed it'')
:'''Daphne''': Let me see something. This crystal is the diamond!
:'''Shaggy''': But, like, hold on. If you were the friar, how did you appear at the rehearsals?
:'''Avocados''': I didn't. I assumed that was you meddling kids trying to trick me into revealing myself.
:'''Everyone''': Huh?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Friar Serra''': You are still in danger. The story of Crystal Cove is a lie. The donkey never tried to help save the town, but to destroy it. There were 4 of us and Porto in the Fraternum House Mysterium, a group of mystery-solving friars. We encountered a conquistador. He told us a tale of great evil before his madness got the best of him, and he vanished in the night, he left behind two oddly-marked disk pieces. We quickly became obsessed with the pieces. We realized that there was an evil at work. We attempted to destroy the pieces to rid us and the town of evil, but the evil would not allow us. The evil manipulated Porto. Porto set out to destroy the town. We chased Porto to the alligator-infested swamps, outside of town. Porto was dragged away by the alligators, but not before I was able to retrieve the one piece he took. The other piece, thankfully was lost at the bottom of the ocean when Crystal Cove sank into the sea. It was up to me, now, to hide the last piece. Beware, Nibiru is coming. This has all happened before, it begins with the animal. Always the animal. Heed the warning of the alligators! ''The dog dies!'' (''Friar Serra's corpse crumbles to dust'')
:'''Scooby''': (''gulps'') &quot;The dog dies&quot;? Is he talking about me?!

===Aliens Among Us===
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Don't get too close. They still might have some alien brain-stealing items ready to deploy.
:'''Velma''': That might be true if they were really aliens, but they are, in fact, (''unmasks the Grey, Nordic Alien and Reptoid'') Traveler O'Flaherty, Sheela O'Flaherty and Connor O'Flaherty.
:'''Fred''': Ah, usually, we all recognize the villain and shout out his name in unison.
:'''Daphne''': Yeah, Velm. Mind cluing us in?
:'''Sheriff Stone''': I know all the criminals in Crystal Cove, and these jerks aren't ringing a bell.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, you had a wanted poster for them on your wall.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Oh, please. Nobody ever pays attention to those. What is this, the old west?
:'''Traveler O'Flaherty''': Were that it were, boyo. Then perhaps we could've earned an honest living. When I was a wee lad, we couldn't even afford peat for our fire. So I had to lift it. It turned out I was a right good thief, but then I discovered there were things I could steal other than coal, and wouldn't you know it, my kids had an aptitude for the family business as well. We started getting a reputation for our business, and there were our faces splashed all over the universe. Aye. 'Twas then we got the idea for the costumes because who'd ever say they saw an outer space creature stealing a flat-screen television set? I found out about the Blakes purchasing the Pangaea. Seemed like it was right up our alley, and we'd have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you frittering snappers. (''after a short silence'') Meddling kids!
:'''Sheriff Stone''': But I know what I saw: the aliens, the cornfield, my nose chip!
:'''Velma''': Actually, Sheriff, during your hypnotic regression, Shaggy and Scooby smelled something on your breath.
:'''Shaggy and Scooby''': Bad clams.
:'''Velma''': The clams induced a hallucination that made everything seem real.
:'''Daphne''': What about the lights on the road?
:'''Velma''': A weather balloon that got loose from the army.
:'''Fred''': And the Mystery Machine fritzing out?
:'''Velma''': Too many people turning on their air conditioners at the same time created an electromagnetic pulse that shut the Mystery Machine's engine down.
:'''Daphne''': The crop circle?
:'''Velma''': A farmer writing &quot;I love you&quot;, to his wife for their anniversary.
:'''Daphne''': Aw, we must've been standing in the &quot;O&quot; of &quot;love.&quot;
:'''Fred''': Or the &quot;O&quot; of &quot;you.&quot;
:'''Daphne''': It was the &quot;O&quot; of &quot;love&quot;, Fred.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': So I wasn't repeatedly abducted and experimented on by aliens?
:'''Fred''': Doesn't seem so, Sheriff.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Then I'm no longer a victim. And you, O'Flaherty family, are under arrest for THIEVERY AND IMPERSONATION OF INVADERS FROM OUTER SPACE, AND you're going away for a ''long'', long time.

===The Horrible Herd===
:'''Shaggy''': So, like, I don't understand. The Planispheric Disk led us to dig up this crazy old flintlock. Does that mean this is the treasure?
:'''Velma''': No. It might be worth a little something as an antique, but the cursed treasure of Crystal Cove is supposed to be immense beyond all imagining.
:'''Daphne''': Like love.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Excuse me, Mr. farmer. What happened to your farm?
:'''Farmer''': Farm? I ain't got no farm. It's gone, all of it. That horrible herd ate everything except the silo. (''to Martha'') Martha, we are leaving.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, did I just heard you say hear? I mean, uh, ha ha ha, hear you say herd.
:'''Fred''': Herd of what?
:'''Farmer''': Skull cattle. Ugliest darn things.
:'''Velma''': Guys, look at these weird hoof prints. They don't make any sense.
:'''Farmer''': If you really want to get all nosy about it, you should talk to the other farmers in the area. The herd paid them a visit, too.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': So you're saying that this herd of skull cattle also destroyed your farms?
:'''Sullen female farmer''': What's the matter with you? You got potatoes in your ears, huh?
:'''Fred''': Huh? Nope, not today. I once had luminescent swamp moss stuffed in my ears when I was trapping toads as a baby. But it came out. Eventually.
:'''Velma''': Ay. Please, go on.
:'''Sullen female farmer''': Like a plague of locusts they was. Coming out of the night, they devoured everything in their path.
:'''Male farmer''': I reckon she's right.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': I mapped all the attacks on all the farms in the area, and look, they create an outline of a magnifying glass just like the one the old Mystery Incorporated used as their symbol. It's centered around Destroido.
:'''Daphne''': Cute little moo cows turned into horrible monsters. There's only one mind evil enough to come up with something like that.
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma, Daphne and Fred''': Professor Pericles.
:'''Daphne''': Velma, is there anyway we can spy on the old Mystery Incorporated? Didn't you say Hot Dog Water hooked us up somehow at Destroido?
:'''Velma''': I almost forgot. Hot Dog Water left us a back door into the Destroido security system when she was there stealing the Planispheric Disk pieces.
:'''Fred''': Can you get more volume?
:(''Velma gets the high volume of the laptop'')
:'''Ricky''': ''You have gone too far this time, Pericles. Too far!'' (''The next scene depicts the conversation of Ricky (Mr. E) and Professor Pericles'') This macabre herd of skull cattle you've created is costing millions of Destroido's money. '''''My''''' money. And I currently have 28 of my best scientists listed as presumed missing.
:'''Scientist''': (''heard in the other room'') No, NO! AAAAAHH!
:'''Ricky''': Make that 29.
:'''Pericles''': Ricky, one cannot make a genius omelet without breaking a few worthless eggs. Right, Brad and Judy?
:'''Brad''': You said it, Professor Pericles.
:'''Judy''': He's a genius, right, Brad?
:'''Brad''': He sure is, Judy. He sure is.
:'''Pericles''': And make no mistake, Ricky, I will break any egg that gets in my way: Ed Machine, Cassidy Williams, or perhaps even you. My herd of skull cattle is perfect in every way. I have crossbred cows, piranhas, and bees to create ultimate monsters. And I'm their master. My precious creations exist for one purpose: ''to devour Crystal Cove.'' My herd of male drones shall level this city to the ground, leaving nowhere for the Mystery kinder to hide the Planispheric Disk.
:(''The next scene depicts that the gang listened Pericles's evil plan'')
:'''Shaggy''': Like, he's gonna destroy Crystal Cove!
:'''Fred''': Come on, gang. We have to warn the town.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Gang, this is all our fault.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Isn't it always?
:'''Daphne''': Maybe we should just give Pericles the Planispheric Disk.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, no way. A treasure beyond all imagining in the clutches of an evil psychotic parrot?
:'''Velma''': Would be devastating on a global scale. Shaggy's right. There has to be another way.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Well, you Mystery dorks better decide quick because those nasty cow thingies sealed off the town completely.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pericles''': Soon Crystal Cove will cease to exist and the Planispheric Disk shall be ''mine.'' THEN no one will ever stand in my way AGAIN. (''laughs'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Nettles''': All the roads leading in and out of the city have been eaten. They're cutting us off.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Perhaps as-- as-- a species our time is over. It's evolution, people. We should all submit to the herd. I think I'll see if they're hiring any Sheriffs.
:'''Mayor Nettles''': Bronson, although I find your immediate surrender oddly endearing, you're not going anywhere. Kids, there must be a way to stop these things.
:'''Daphne''': I think I have it. It's all the little pieces, all the clues. Especially the fact that Professor Pericles referred to all the skull cattle as male drones. And then there's the sweet cheese.
:'''Shaggy''': I think I see where you're going with this, Daph. If Scooby and I can eat all that honey sweet cheese, those things will starve and we'll save the town.
:'''Scooby''': Count me in. I'm ready to eat my way to victory.
:'''Daphne''': That's not what I was thinking. They're like bees. The herd is all male drones. So there must be a queen in the cow hive at Destroido.
:'''Velma''': Daphne, that's so genius I should have thought of it. They'll be totally protective of their queen. If we could capture the queen cow...
:'''Fred''': We could use her to lead the herd away from the town.
:'''Mayor Nettles''': Saving Crystal Cove.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': I don't know. I don't know. I think my plan of letting the herd enslave humanity ''is pretty darn good.''
:'''Fred''': My fake father mayor dad used to keep a helicopter here at city hall.
:'''Mayor Nettles''': I still have it. Quick, it's our only chance.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Nettles''': You did it, kids. You saved the town.
:'''Daphne''': I feel a little sorry for those skull cattle. It's not their fault they're horrible genetically engineered mutations.
:'''Fred''': Look. (''The horrible herd rise in the ocean'') Those things are part fish, remember? They can swim.
:(''The horrible herd swim away from Crystal Cove'')
:'''Velma''': Whoa. What have we done?
:'''Shaggy''': You mean, like, other than release unnatural super predators into the ecosystem?
:'''Sheriff Stone''': It's best to just walk away from this one, kids. Just... walk... away.
:(''Everyone walk away from the horrible herd in the ocean'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Scooby and Shaggy are searching Nova'')
:'''Scooby''': Nova. Nova! Nova!
:'''Shaggy''': (''finds Nova lying on the ground'') Scooby-Doo, over there!
:(''Scooby grabs Nova alive and injured'')
:'''Scooby''': She's alive. Come on, we have to get her to the hospital.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pericles''': ''My'' plan, ruined by those '''meddling kinder.''' They will pay. All of them. They will ''pay''.

===Dance of the Undead===
:'''Martha Quinn''': Hang on. I've prepared a slideshow on every music group from the last 60 years. (''shows the gang with a slide projector'') Rude Boy and the Ska-tastics. Poor Rude Boy could never quite ride the fame train the way he wanted, so it's said that he turned to voodoo magic to further his career. He cast love spells on the audience. He cursed other bands. Once, he even cast an enchantment of never-ending pain on a synthesizer. Real crazy stuff. Rude Boy always said he would come back from the grave. And now, it looks like he has.
:'''Shaggy''': Zoinks!
:'''Scooby''': Doesn't anybody ever stay dead around here?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Nettles''': These citizens were found at the Tiki Tub. They're dancing, and they can't stop.
:'''Daphne''': That dance is called skanking. It's how you're meant to dance to ska music. And you said dance class was a waste of time.
:'''Velma''': Oy. Doctor, what's the prognosis?
:'''Doctor''': If we can't find a cure within 24 hours, they will dance themselves into a permanent cataleptic state. They will become zombies for the rest of their lives!
:(''The gang is shocked'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''The Zombies Rude Boy and the Ska-tastics arrive and play their hit at the top of City Hall'')
:'''Zombie Rude Boy''': (''laughs'')
:'''Fred''': It's Rude Boy!
:'''Velma''': Quick, cover your ears!
:(''Martha, Ian and the gang covered their ears except Shaggy and Scooby'')
:'''Zombie Rude Boy''': Dance!
:'''Martha Quinn''': We have to fight this MUSICALLY! We need ultimate POWER CHORD!
:(''Martha, Ian and the people start dancing unwittingly'')
:'''Fred''': I'm fighting it, but I can't resist their catchy use of Caribbean mento and calypso with American jazz and rhythm and blues!
:'''Daphne''': Shaggy, Scooby, why isn't it affecting you?
:'''Scooby''': I'm a dog. Music is just noise to us.
:'''Shaggy''': And, like, you've heard me sing. I'm totally tone deaf.
:'''Velma''': Shaggy! Scooby! You're our only hope! It's up to you to save the town! It's up to you to save us!
:(''Fred, Daphne and Velma start dancing. Shaggy and Scooby are shocked'')
:'''Shaggy''': Like, zoinks!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shaggy''': Like, what do we do, Scoob? Everyone in town is a total ska zombie, and we have to save them! But, like, we don't know anything about music!
:'''Scooby''': We don't, but we know people who do.
:'''Shaggy and Scooby''': (''watch the Hex Girls poster'') The Hex Girls!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': Now, let's see who's really behind the evil ska music. Rude Boy is actually... (''unmasks the Zombie Rude Boy'')
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma, Daphne and Fred''': Rude Boy?
:(''Shaggy, Daphne and Velma unmask the three Zombie Ska-tastics'')
:'''Ian Hope''': You're alive! But the plane crashed 30 years ago.
:'''Velma''': Was an elaborate hoax, wasn't it, Mr. Rude Boy?
:'''Rude Boy''': Oi. You blighters got it in for me, right. But yeah, we faked the whole bloomin' thing. All I ever wanted to do was play ska and be super rich and super famous. But apparently, it just wasn't in the tarot cards, maybe the fact that we only had one song had something to do with it. So me and ''me'' mates, the Ska-tastics here, we decided we'd fake our own deaths. Then, we could write the perfect song and return to take the music world by storm.
:'''Martha Quinn''': I don't understand, Rude Boy. Why did you wait 30 years to make a comeback?
:'''Rude Boy''': Ah, don't be such a muppet, Martha Quinn. We planned to be only gone one year, but writing the perfect song took bloomin' forever. By the time we'd cracked it, ska wasn't popular anymore. But everyone loves the undead. So, we began dressing as zombie mogs, riding our undead scooters and wearing polycarbonite-lined skull masks to hide our identity.
:'''Velma''': So, in the end, desperate for success, Rude Boy and the Ska-tastics unleashed a dancing plague on the world using an inharmonic chord with special frequencies designed to induce post-hypnotic suggestion to sell their music.
:'''Fred''': Just as I thought, but didn't say. Dance them away, Sheriff. We are done here.
:(''Rude Boy and the Ska-tastics walk dancing into the police car'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Scooby is visiting Nova at the hospital'')
:'''Scooby''': Oh, Nova, it's getting weirder and weirder. Things aren't as easy to explain anymore. It feels like something is going to happen, something ''bad''. What do you think, Nova? (''watches the heart monitor and slowly, it stops'') Nova? Nova? (''Nova's eyes open and Scooby giggles and is surprised when she rises up'')
:'''Nova''': Nibiru. Nibiru is coming. (''lies back in bed and closes her eyes'')

===The Devouring===
:'''Scooby''': All the food is gone.
:'''Shaggy''': It ate, like, everything.
:'''Daphne''': What ''was'' that thing?
:'''Rick Spartan''': That is the Gluten Demon. If we don't stop it, it'll devour the entire food supply and starve us all, until there's nothing, and no one left alive in Crystal Cove.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': Now let's see who the Gluten Demon really is. (''unmasks the Gluten Demon'')
:'''Fred, Daphne, Velma, Cachinga and Rick Spartan''': Francilee Jackson!
:'''Velma''': Not a big surprise after the work that Cachinga, Daphne, and I did. Francilee's cooking show wasn't taped before a live audience. She made the tape herself, allowing her to work the special effects and adding in the Gluten Demon during editing.
:'''Cachinga''': Plus, her stage name is Francilee Jackson, but her birth certificate lists her as Agatha Juniper Schildenheimer.
:'''Daphne''': As AJS, she signed those manifests. She rented that secret warehouse.
:'''Velma''': And she has a strange food allergy to all things healthy. Which is why she reacted to Cachinga's salad lunch so insanely.
:'''Daphne''': The only thing we don't know is why.
:'''Francilee''': Oh, y'all, it's so simple. I needed a big comeback. After my cornbread recipe was revealed to have no corn in it, I was ruined. Ruined! My only chance was to open my own bakery where I could serve up my new breakout dish: The double bacon mayonnaise butter-stuffed pasta surprise with buttered bread sauce! Any cook worth their kosher sea salt knows the legend of the Gluten Demon. I dressed up like that and started destroying every restaurant in town so there'd be no competition when I opened mine. And I would have done it, too, been a huge success again, if it weren't for all y'all bread-hating health fanatics!
:'''Deputy''': That's it, boys. Let's roll her away.
:(''The 2 deputies roll Francilee to the police car'')
:'''Francilee''': (''the bowl rolls away from her'') My bowl! My precious bowl! NO! My bowl! It's mine! MINE!
:(''Daphne grabs the bowl'')
:'''Cachinga''': It's ancient maya by the look of it.
:'''Daphne''': (''reads the bowl'') ''TERCERO LLAVE''. It's the third key.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ricky''': So you see, Professor Pericles, it's over. You're not the boss here. I am. And you're out of the group.
:'''Pericles''': (''tortures Ricky with by pressing the remote control button on Cobra larvae'') Oh, Ricky, Ricky, my loyal Brad and Judy told me of your little mutiny. So, last night while you were asleep, I put mutated cobra larvae in your spine. Every time I press this button, a little venom is released. So, as you can see, or feel, I'm still very much in control. You do as ''I'' say. First, we steal the Planispheric Disk from the kinder, then ''we'' destroy them. (''laughs hysterically'') WE DESTROY THEM! (''laughs again'')

===Stand and Deliver===
:'''Fred''':  Now let's see who this mysterious woman stealer really is.
:(''Velma unmasks Dandy Highwayman'')
:'''Everyone''': The librarian?
:'''Shaggy''': Like, seriously? But you're not even British.
:'''Scooby''': I'm so confused. Why?
:'''Librarian''': It's simple, really. You spend a life reading about other people's exciting adventures and never, never, never have one of your own. It's awful. (''sadly'') I'm so lonely.
:'''Velma''': Jinkies. How did I miss that one?
:'''Librarian''': I never really had any friends growing up. All I had were my books. For years I stayed in my room and read about incredible adventures, other people's adventures. Then, I got an idea, I was going to become the Dandy Highwayman. I was going to be the king of adventures and adored by women everywhere. I studied how to do an English accent. I incorporated a motorcycle helmet into my costume's hat and practiced my motorcycle skills for hours and hours. Then, I discovered something unimaginable: the key to a woman's total admiration and devotion. All you have to do is pay attention to them when they're talking. CRAZY, isn't it? It wasn't until I started to moderate the book club that I learned how to listen. From there, I actually became interested in what women have to say. Before long, I was fully engaged in their desires and feelings. I was living in the ''dream''. And I would have gotten away with it, if it weren't for you meddling romance killers.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': I'm not buying it for a second. You put some kind of voodoo MAGIC SPELL on them, you did.
:'''Librarian''': Never. I just listened, that's all. Except when the going got tough. I had a little help. (''uncovers the earplugs'') These earplugs were the only magic I used.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': I knew it! I knew there was some kind of trick involved. Listening to women? Who ever heard of such a thing?!
:(''Mayor Nettles and Daphne arrive'')
:'''Daphne''': Jeepers! The librarian? I kind of feel bad for him. You know, he never really abducted the wives. They said they went with him willingly because he was mysteriously charming and--
:'''Sheriff Stone''': We know, we know. The whole listening and paying attention thing. We get it already. Whatever.
:(''Sheriff Stone and deputy take the Librarian into custody'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Scooby is in the strange dream'')
:'''Scooby''': Ohh!
:'''Dancing Man''': Scooby-Doo, your time has come. She is here.
:(''Nova arrives'')
:'''Scooby''': Nova?
:'''Nova''': I am not Nova. I've only borrowed her body so that I may bring you an urgent message. Scooby-Doo, your life is in danger.
:'''Scooby''': Huh?
:'''Nova''': I am of the Anunnaki, interdimensional beings that visit the planet earth every few thousand years. We arrive at a time call Nibiru, when the barriers between our worlds grow weak. The Anunnaki have a great history of helping humans, but we have no physical form and must inhabit animals. This is why some animals, our descendants, can talk and others cannot. But not all Anunnaki are kind and good. There are evil ones. And the most evil one of all is imprisoned beneath Crystal Cove and must not be set free. You must undo it, Scooby-Doo. Undo it all. Save yourself. Save your friends. Save the world.
:(''Scooby wakes up in the real world'')
:'''Scooby''': Hmm? Hmm? Duh! The cursed treasure is evil. Evil! We have to destroy it!
:(''Velma, Fred, Daphne and Shaggy look at Scooby, a bit shocked'')

===The Man in the Mirror===
:'''Mayor Nettles''': Sorry to bother you so early, kids. But the neighbors have been calling in constantly with reports of unearthly moaning, inhuman howling, blood curling screams...
:'''Shaggy''': In other words, same old same old.
:'''Fred''': You can count on us, Mayor Nettles.
:'''Daphne''': We'll see if there's anything mysterious going on here.
:'''Mayor Nettles''': (''leaves'') Thanks, kids.
:'''Velma''': Come on, come on, let's go! Let's get this over with.
:'''Fred''': After we're finished here, we need to relocate the Planispheric Disk.
:'''Scooby''': We'll do it.
:'''Shaggy''': Good idea, Scoob. Yeah, you and I will re-hide the disc while you guys check out the scary house.
:'''Daphne''': You're out of luck, Shaggy. Remember? Fred hid the Disk last time. And he's the only one who knows where it is.
:'''Velma''': Oy, can we hurry? Please?
:'''Fred''': Okay, let's get started. But first, well gang, it looks like we got another...
:'''Daphne''': Mystery on our hands! Oh, Fred, we're such soul mates. We're finishing each other's sentences.
:'''Fred''': Come on, let's...
:'''Shaggy, Velma and Scooby''': Split up and look for clues?
:(''The gang splits'')
:'''Shaggy''': Like, I guess that means we're ''all'' soul mates, haha.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Fred finds a strange mirror'')
:'''Fred''': Aaah! Ugh. Look at those creepy eyes! And that disgusting yellow hair! And the horrible tentacle around its neck! Makes me wanna hork. Oh. (''looks his reflection'') It's me! Phew, that was close. (''tries to leave but his reflection moves differently, he noticed, then moves to make reflection normal'') Hmm. (''turns around and his reflection pulls him into the mirror'') AAAAAAAAHHHH!! (''drops his lantern'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Evil Fred''': Hello, friends.
:'''Daphne''': Oh, Freddie. Thank goodness.
:'''Evil Fred''': This place was a total bust. Nothing scary here. So let's get to school before we're late. Punctuality is an important facet of learning. Right, Daphne?
:'''Daphne''': Um, right, Fred.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Fred wakes up in a destroyed and apocalyptic version of Crystal Cove'')
:'''Fred''': (''looks at the mirror'') What happened? (''leaves the destroyed house'') Gang? Gang! Daphne! (''tries to call Daphne in his cell phone and reads'') &quot;No Signal Anywhere!&quot;. (''walks the destroyed Crystal Cove street'') Anybody! Hello! Hellooooo! (''finds skeletons anywhere'') No. No! This is all wrong. Crystal Cove has much greener lawns and fewer skeletons. Velma! Shaggy! Scooby Doo, where are you?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the present version of Crystal Cove'')
:'''Scooby''': (''whimpering'')
:'''Evil Fred''': Does the dog need walking?
:'''Scooby''': I walk myself, Fred.
:'''Evil Fred''': (''shows the Canine Grumpets'') Perhaps you would enjoy a canine crumpet.
:'''Scooby''': Hmm. That is not a Scooby snack, Fred. Humph!
:'''Evil Fred''': What difference does it make? (''Scooby is shocked'') I'm sure they all taste the same.
:'''Scooby''': (''grumbling'') You eat them, then.
:'''Evil Fred''': What was that, Scoobert?
:'''Scooby''': Uh, nothing. Nothing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the apocalyptic version of Crystal Cove'')
:'''Fred''': (''finds the Mystery Machine'') There! (''hugs it'') Ahh! There she is! (''looks the Mystery Machine's wreckage'') I don't understand any of this. What happened to Crystal Cove? What happened to the people? What happened to your groovy paintjob? (''Mystery Machine's door falls down and Fred finds the Mr. Traples half ruined'') Mr. Traples. What happened here? Please, tell me what's going on. (''finds the clothes of Velma and Shaggy in the floor'') Velma. Shaggy. Scooby. They're... They're... Oh, no. No. It's impossible. How could it get any worse? (''The green scarf appears and flies in front of Fred'') Daphne's scarf. No! It can't be! It can't be true! DAPHNE! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Fred is sitting outside the destroyed City Hall'')
:'''Fred''': (''sadly'') Daphne.
:'''Unknown woman''': Fred?
:'''Fred''': Cut it out, Mr. Traples. It's not funny you imitating Daphne like that.
:'''Unknown woman''': Freddie, is that really you?
:'''Fred''': Daphne?
:'''Old Daphne''': (''shows up'') Fred, where have you been?
:'''Fred''': (''shocked'') Aah!
:'''Old Daphne''': Oh, Freddie, don't look at me. I'm hideous!
:'''Fred''': Daphne, is... is that really you?
:'''Old Daphne''': Of course it's me, silly. And ''jeepies'', you found my scarf. (''puts the scarf on her neck'') I've been looking all over for this.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': I still don't understand. I came out of that mirror and everything had changed. Why is everyone a skeleton and why are you--
:'''Old Daphne''': Do I really look so awful, Freddie?
:'''Fred''': Uh... no.
:'''Old Daphne''': When you didn't come back, something went crazy with the Planispheric Disk. Velma said it created a vortex around Crystal Cove and sped up time here. We searched everywhere for it. You hid it too well. Decades whirred by in weeks. Everyone aged quickly and one by one, turned to dust until only I was left.
:'''Fred''': I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I... I'm just a really good hider.
:'''Old Daphne''': You've got to change it back. Right up till the end, Velma said the Planispheric Disk could reverse the process. Where did you hide it, Freddie? We have to get that disk.
:'''Fred''': Then that's what we'll do. Daphne, Mr. Traples, load up. We've got a future to change.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Old Daphne''': The F-F-Fearatorium Food Emporium. Shaggy and Scooby loved this place. It was hidden here the whole time?
:'''Fred''': Yep. Come on.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the present version of Crystal Cove'')
:'''Evil Fred''': Everybody out.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, this is more like it. (''chuckles'') The F-F-Fearatorium Food Emporium makes me, like, f-f-famished.
:'''Scooby''': Yeah, yeah, yeah.
:'''Evil Fred''': (''grabs Shaggy and Scooby hardly'') What's wrong with you two? You're like bottomless pits. We're not here to indulge your munchies. We're here for that Planispheric Disk.
:'''Daphne''': Freddie, you're the one who hid it here. I don't understand why you don't know where it is.
:'''Evil Fred''': Oh, you don't understand? Intellect isn't your strong suit, huh? What about you? Got any smarts in there behind those eye goggles?
:'''Velma''': Hmmph.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the apocalyptic version of Crystal Cove'')
:'''Old Daphne''': Freddie, we've looked everywhere. It's not here.
:'''Fred''': Hey, wait a minute. You're right. This wasn't the last place I hid the disk. The trip through the mirror must have jangled my memory. Now I remember.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the present version of Crystal Cove'')
:'''Evil Fred''': Never mind, change of plans. This isn't where I left it after all.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the apocalyptic version of Crystal Cove'')
:'''Old Daphne''': The Arcane-A-Rama Movieplex? You hid the disk here?
:'''Fred''': Sure. I would think you of all people would realize why this place would be so important to me, don't you, Daph?
:'''Old Daphne''': Because we had our first date here, Freddie.
:'''Fred''': I can always count on you to remember stuff like that. Come on.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the present version of Crystal Cove'')
:'''Evil Fred''': It's got to be here somewhere. Keep searching.
:'''Shaggy''': What's the score?
:'''Evil Fred''': The score, Norbert, is that we're gonna find that disk tonight.
:'''Shaggy''': I meant the score to the baseball game. That you're listening to. On that thingymabob.
:'''Evil Fred''': Heh. I knew that.
:'''Velma''': It's not Norbert. It's Norville. And nobody calls him that. It's always Shaggy.
:'''Evil Fred''': I suggest less nitpicking and more searching. (''talks through headphone'') Wait. What? It's not here. Get back in the van.
:(''Scooby thinks Fred is crazy'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the apocalyptic version of Crystal Cove'')
:'''Old Daphne''': The kennel of the horrible hounds?
:'''Fred''': Shaggy used to board Scooby here when he and his folks went on vacations. I'm pretty sure I put the Planispheric Disk here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the present version of Crystal Cove'')
:'''Velma''': Fred, this is all very bizarre.
:'''Evil Fred''': You don't know the meaning of the word, child. (''grunts'') I just remembered where I actually hid the disk.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the apocalyptic version of Crystal Cove'')
:'''Fred''': Here we are. This time for sure.
:'''Old Daphne''': The education board of Crystal Cove? Why? That's so random.
:'''Fred''': I'm surprised at you, Daphne. Education is very important to me. Isn't it, Mr. Traples? (''plays with Mr. Traples'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the present version of Crystal Cove'')
:'''Evil Fred''': I don't know. Look in all the desks, I guess. I'll check out the superintendent's office. (''leaves the gang'')
:'''Velma''': Gang, something is definitely wrong here. (''writes the blackboard with chalk'') I mean, is it me or is Fred acting even stranger than usual?
:'''Scooby, Shaggy and Daphne''': It's not you.
:'''Velma''': Maybe if we can retrace our steps, we'll see a pattern. (''writing'') F-F-Fearatorium Food Emporium. Arcane-A-Rama Movieplex. Kennel of the horrible hounds. Education board of Crystal Cove. (''marks the first and second 4 letters from top to bottom'')
:'''Daphne''': &quot;Fake Fred&quot;?
:'''Velma''': I knew it.
:'''Scooby''': Then who is he?
:'''Shaggy''': And who sent the message?
:'''Velma''': My guess? The real Fred. Wherever he is, he's probably in life-threatening peril.
:'''Daphne''': And in the clutches of some hideous creature.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the apocalyptic version of Crystal Cove'')
:'''Old Daphne''': Where is it, Fred? Where is it?
:'''Fred''': Take it easy, Daph .At least we now know it's not here.
:'''Old Daphne''': You don't understand, Fred. We have to find that disk now. It's almost midnight. They'll be waking up soon.
:'''Fred''': What? Who?
:(''The skeletons rise themselves'')
:'''Old Daphne''': The skeletons. The skeletons walk after midnight. Run!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Old Daphne''': Fred Jones, you remember every trap you ever built. Why can't you remember where you hid the most important relic in the universe?
:'''Fred''': Trap. That's it. Now I remember. (''starts the engine of wrecked Mystery Machine'') It's at the old abandoned factory.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the present version of Crystal Cove'')
:'''Evil Fred''': Aha! Now that's more like it.
:'''Shaggy''': Should I just keep driving around in circles, Mr. Fred? Oh, sir? (''drives the Mystery Machine in a circle'')
:'''Evil Fred''': No, the old abandoned factory, hippie. And floor it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the apocalyptic version of Crystal Cove'')
:'''Old Daphne''': This isn't the way to the factory.
:'''Fred''': I'm willing to bet it's the way to the factory. The real factory.
:'''Old Daphne''': (''a bit disappointed'') Fred, we're headed straight for that wall. It's solid brick!
:'''Fred''': Is it, or is it...
:(''Fred accelerates faster the Mystery Machine into the wall'')
:'''Old Daphne''': Aah! Uhh!
:(''The Mystery Machine breaks through the fake wall'')
:'''Fred''': Fake. As fake as everything else in the old abandoned Crystal Cove movie studio. And as fake as you, Daphne.
:'''Old Daphne''': How...How did you know?
:'''Fred''': Two big ones. The real Daphne would never forget that our first date was at the Trap Expo 3000. But the biggest mistake was right at the start.
:'''Old Daphne''': What?
:'''Fred''': You said jeepies. Daphne says jeepers. Velma says jinkies. Nobody says jeepies. I mean, that's just plain silly. Once I knew you were fake, I figured Crystal Cove must be phony, too. It could only be the old movie studio made to look like a ruined town, complete with animatronics skeletons. Obviously this was all about the location of the Planispheric Disk. Convincing me that I needed to save my friends from a post-apocalyptic future was the most obvious way to get me to tell you where I hid it. It's exactly what I would have done.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In Steelco Industries, the gang and Evil Fred arrived'')
:'''Evil Fred''': Fan out. Search every inch of this place until we find that disk.
:'''Shaggy''': Well, like, if you remember hiding it here, like, dude, where is it?
:'''Evil Fred''': Well, the exact location slipped my mind. (''leaves the gang to search the Planispheric Disk alone'')
:'''Velma''': We can't let that fake Fred get his hands on the Planispheric Disk.
:'''Scooby''': What do we do?
:'''Shaggy''': Like, we do what the real Fred would do. We trap him.
:'''Velma''': Agreed. But it's got to be before he gets his hands on...
:'''Evil Fred''': The Planispheric Disk. I found it! I found it!
:'''Velma''': Okay, never mind.
:'''Daphne''': Now that you've got it, what are you going to do with it? Fake Fred.
:'''Evil Fred''': Ahh, well done. You finally figured out I'm an imposter. So what? I'm taking the Planispheric Disk, and who's going to stop me? You? You?
:'''Fred''': NO! (''arrives'') Me. I mean you. Me. I mean me. You me. I-- Aw, heck. You get the idea. (''starts fighting Evil Fred'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Don't just stand there, Shaggy. Get in there and help Fred.
:'''Shaggy''': Which one?
:'''Daphne''': Uh, the good one.
:'''Old Daphne''': (''shows up'') Be careful, Fred. Don't hurt him.
:(''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma and Daphne look at Old Daphne'')
:'''Daphne''': AAAAHH! NO! NO!
:'''Scooby''': (''to Old Daphne'') Daphne, you look terrible. You should get more sleep.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Evil Fred''': (''takes the Planispheric Disk'') I'll never give up this disk. You'll never beat me.
:'''Fred''': (''throws the chain to Evil Fred's legs'') I don't need to beat you. I just need you to stay put.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Evil Fred''': Get me out of this. He's the fake.
:'''Shaggy''': They're, like, identical, right down to the ascot.
:'''Scooby''': Which one's the real Fred?
:'''Daphne''': (''to Evil Fred'') Freddie, how do you feel about me?
:'''Evil Fred''': What do you mean? You're my love, Daphne. I'm crazy about you.
:'''Daphne''': (''to Fred'') And you?
:'''Fred''': Uh, gosh. Gee, Daph, you know, I-- well, I guess aside from traps and solving mysteries, um... er, my stomach's getting hurty.
:'''Daphne''': Oh, Freddie. It's you! (''kisses Fred'')
:(''Velma shuts down the magnetic machine, Evil Fred and Fred fall down to the floor'')
:'''Evil Fred''': Well, if you're so smart, then who am I really?
:'''Fred''': You're one of the most heartless criminals Mystery Inc. has ever faced. Aren't you, dad? (''tries to unmask Evil Fred but realizes it's not a mask'') 
:'''Evil Fred/Brad''': Ow! It's not a mask, you imbecile. I had plastic surgery to look like you. You would have spotted a mask too quickly.
:'''Fred''': I don't know what you think you were doing. You're supposed to be my father. But how could you try to impersonate me when you know absolutely nothing about me?
:'''Velma''': If he's Brad, that makes you Fred's sneaky criminal mom, Judy. (''tries to unmask Old Daphne but realizes it's not a mask either'')
:'''Old Daphne/Judy''': Ouch! Watch it. I had plastic surgery, too.
:'''Velma''': I know.
:'''Shaggy''': Brad Chiles and Judy Reeves? (''chuckles'') But, like, why?
:'''Scooby''': Yeah. Why?
:'''Brad''': For the treasure. What else? It was the genius mind of Professor Pericles that thought up the whole plan. Wasn't it, Judy?
:'''Judy''': That's right, Brad. While we went under the knife, Professor Pericles had Mr. E arrange for the Crystal Cove studio to be changed into an exact replica of the town.
:'''Brad''': Except more end of the world-ish, obviously.
:'''Velma''': I hate to be the one to point this out, but that's just crazy.
:'''Pericles''': (''shows up'') Is it, Velma? Or is it so brilliant you cannot begin to fathom its true genius?
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Daphne, Velma and Fred''': Professor Pericles?
:'''Fred''': You failed, Professor. You'll never get your filthy talons on this disk.
:'''Pericles''': On the contrary, Frederick. You are going to hand it over to me, along with my associates, your dear parents, or else I will destroy the one thing you care about most.
:'''Shaggy''': Zoinks!
:'''Daphne''': (''2 Kriegstaffebots grab her'') Freddie!
:'''Fred''': Fine. You win. Take it.
:'''Pericles''': Excellent. (''takes the Planispheric Disk'') ''Auf Wiedersehen'', you beautiful kinder.
:(''2 Kriegstaffebots throw Daphne into Fred and leave'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Freddie, I'm so sorry. Pericles got away with the disk because I got grabbed by robots.
:'''Fred''': Don't worry, Daph. The important thing is that you're back safe and sound. And you look good again.
:'''Scooby''': Only now, Pericles has the Planispheric Disk.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Pericles places the Planispheric Disk in a special location in Destroido'')
:'''Pericles''': I'm coming for you, master. I'm coming to set you free.

===Nightmare in Red===
:'''Fred''': Now let's see who this Monstrous Freak really is.
:(''The Monstrous Freak weakened by a light transforms into conquistador'')
:'''Fred''': It's...it's... Who is that?
:'''Velma''': If I'm not mistaken, it's El Aguirre, the captain of the Spanish conquistadors.
:'''Daphne''': El Aguirre? But why?
:'''Fernando El Aguirre''': ''La pura verdad'', the truth is simple. I did not want you to discover how to destroy the Evil Entity buried deep beneath Crystal Cove, in its ''Caja Demonio''.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, that doesn't make any sense. I thought you'd be the first person who'd want that thing destroyed.
:'''Fernando El Aguirre''': No! Do you not see? If you destroy the Entity, myself and my men will be set free from this ENDLESS CURSE. We should never be set free. We must pay for all the horrible atrocities we committed while in service to the Entity.
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma, Daphne and Fred''': Oh.
:'''Fernando El Aguirre''': I can still hear their screaming. All the screams of the innocent ones. No. No! We must pay forever! We can never be set free!
:'''Shaggy''': Okay. Like, the old Spanish dude is a little ''loco'' in the ''cabeza''.
:'''Annunaki Nova''': Do not fret. All can be undone. All can be forgiven.
:'''Dancing Man''': Yes. Yes, all can be forgiven.
:'''Fred''': That reminds me. Uh, be right back.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the real world'')
:'''Professor Horatio''': They're not gonna make it. I'll never be whole again. It's over. All over! (''sobbing'') Unless...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the dream'')
:'''Annunaki Nova''': It was centuries of your Earth time ago. They called themselves Ma Cuben Sun Macul, which means the Hunters of Secrets. They were the original group manipulated by the Evil Entity. There were more to follow. The evil one has forever been manipulating hapless souls throughout history in hopes they would set him free from his crystal sarcophagus. The Mystery Incorporated that preceded yours, the Darrow Family's Mystery Fellowship, the Benevolent Lodge of Mystery, the Mystery Gang with their bull Tiny, the Alianzo Mysterio and their pet skunk El Fuchy, and Fraternitas Mysterium. Always 4 humans and an animal. The Mayan group of friends, the Hunters of Secrets, were the very first. They were the most pure. They realized they were being manipulated and instead of setting the evil one free, they were about to destroy it with the '''Heart of the Jaguar'''. Alas, they were interrupted by El Aguirre and his men who came and took the crystal sarcophagus away thinking it to be a great treasure.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the real world'')
:'''Professor Horatio''': You're the smart one, Velma. It's time to go. Give my other half the talisman. Complete the bridge and I can bring you all home. Velma, listen! Hear me! Time's up!
:(''In the dream'')
:'''Velma''': (''moving the talisman'') Jinkies! We're out of time!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Fred and Daphne go to Sitting room'')
:'''Fred''': (''touches the shoulder of Fred Jones Sr.'') I want you to know that whatever happened, I'm not really mad at you. Despite the whole stealing me as an innocent baby and lying to me my entire life, you were a great dad. I forgive you. You've always been and still are the only real father I've ever know.
:'''Fred Jones Sr.''': Leaping late lilies, Fred. I am so proud of you. Even if you don't break the spell, even if you can't turn it all around by destroying that Evil Entity, I want you to know that having you as my son was the absolute best part of my life. You were always the best part of me.
:(''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma and Dancing Man arrive'')
:'''Velma''': Freddie, we have to go.
:'''Shaggy''': Yeah, like, time's up. If we don't leave now, we don't leave ever.
:(''Velma gives the talisman to Dancing Man'')
:'''Dancing Man''': Ha ha ha! I am going home. Ha ha ha!
:(''The gang takes each member's hands in circle'')
:'''Annunaki Nova''': Find the Heart of the Jaguar, Scooby-Doo. It is the only way you shall defeat the evil that is buried deep beneath Crystal Cove. Use the Heart of the Jaguar.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the real world, the gang wakes up'')
:'''Professor Horatio''': (''receives the best part of Dancing Man'') I'm whole again. I'm whole! And I couldn't have done it without you meddling kids. You beautiful, brave, wonderful meddling kids! (''dances'')
:'''Velma''': Jinkies. After all we've been through, only to find out that we've been manipulated by some Evil Entity? Is that the only reason we're together?
:'''Shaggy''': Like, yeah. Maybe we don't even like each other.
:'''Fred''': Gang, wh-- what are we gonna do?
:'''Scooby''': The Heart of the Jaguar. We have to find the Heart of the Jaguar.

===Dark Night of the Hunters===
:'''Shaggy''': It's time to see who this ancient jade mask wearing weirdo really is. (''unmasks Priestess'')
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma, Daphne and Fred''': Professor Andelusossa?
:'''Angie Dinkley''': Enrique!
:'''Velma''': He was staring us in the face all along. When the men in the village thought I was my mom, it was clear that no one was able to forget her over all these years. Then there were the vines. This plant isn't native to the Yucatan. Only someone with a background in gardening could have cultivated it and made it grow so quickly. Professor Andelusossa's first job was as a gardener. Finally, the vines on the boat had been tied to the wheel. The boat had been scuttled to make it look like the Professor had been attacked.
:'''Angie Dinkley''': But why, Enrique?
:'''Prof. Andelusossa''': For love. Angie, when you left me that summer decades ago, you took my heart with you. Every night seems like I dreamed of you. When you called asking about the Heart of the Jaguar, I knew it was my only chance to lure you back, and find out if you still cared for me.
:'''Fred''': So you decided to test her love by crushing her with fast-growing killer plants! Wow. That's exactly what I would have done.
:'''Daphne''': Oh, Freddie. That's so romantic. In your usual, unique kind of way.
:'''Prof. Andelusossa''': And I would have gotten away with it, too, if... (''sighs'') if you had really loved me.
:'''Angie Dinkley''': Oh, Enrique, sweetie, that was all years ago. There's only one man I ever truly loved, and that's my husband, Mr. Dinkley.
:'''Mrs. Andelusossa''': (''arrives'') Enrique, you are not a man! You're a fool! (''spits saliva to Fred's head'')
:'''Fred''': Daw! Ugh!
:'''Mrs. Andelusossa''': Mrs. Dinkley, you have won. You can have him!
:'''Angie Dinkley''': But I don't want him.
:'''Unknown woman''': (''arrives'') Then I'll take him!
:'''Angie, Mrs. Andelusossa and Prof. Andelusossa''': Huh?!
:'''Daphne''': Who are you?
:'''Unknown woman''': Tomina Kasanski. Call sign: Ice princess. I've been tracking you ever since you left Crystal Cove.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, why?
:'''Mayor Nettles''': (''arrives'') Because I asked her to.
:'''Fred and Daphne''': Huh?
:'''Angie Dinkley''': Huh?
:'''Scooby''': Mayor Nettles?
:'''Mayor Nettles''': Lieutenant Kasanski is an old friend of mine from Fighter Weapons School. (''she and Tomina Kasanski clapped their hands'')
:'''Velma''': But why are you following us?
:'''Mayor Nettles''': Well, it's kind of embarrassing, but three days ago, I had a nightmare that told me you were in trouble and that I had to come to the Yucatan to help you get some spear thingie.
:'''Scooby''': The Heart of the Jaguar.
:'''Mayor Nettles''': Yeah, that! I'm supposed to help you get it back over the border and home to Crystal Cove.
:'''Velma''': Okay, that's it. I give up.
:'''Tomina Kasanski''': Grab your prisoner and let's haul. I got a c130 waiting in an air strip 30 clicks from here. (''takes Prof. Andelusossa into custody'')
:'''Fred''': Well, gang, let's go home. We have an Evil Entity to destroy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angie Dinkley''': Dear, is something wrong?
:'''Velma''': Well, it's just that, everything that's been happening lately, I've always thought I could count on logic; deductive reasoning, facts. But all that's gone. I never believed in the supernatural like you did, and...
:'''Angie Dinkley''': Oh, sweetie, you were never wrong. Believe in yourself. Everything will work out just fine. (''Velma hugs her'') Now, come on. I've been wearing the same girdle for five days in the jungle, and I really need to get a change of clothes.

===Gates of Gloom===
:(''The gang and Mayor Nettles drive the Mystery Machine in the city, with no people and the damaged freeway'')
:'''Daphne''': What happened to the street?
:'''Fred''': It looks like some kind of earthquake.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, zoinks. Where is everybody?
:(''Sheriff Stone runs to the Mystery Machine, scared, Fred stops driving'')
:'''Sheriff Stone''': THEY'RE GONE! EVERYONE! GOOOOOONE!
:(''Everyone is shocked'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': Focus, people. There are lives at stake. Something has taken my mom and the rest of Crystal Cove.
:'''Scooby''': It even took my Nova from the hospital.
:'''Daphne''': What kind of horrible monster would snatch a sweet little dog in a coma?
:'''Scooby''': I know. Nova! Nova! (''sobbing'')
:'''Shaggy''': Quick, Scoob. Drown your sorrows in this pint of triple fudge cookie dough caramel chip. (''gives the cookie to Scooby'')
:'''Scooby''': Thanks, Raggy. I needed that.
:'''Velma''': As I was saying, I suspect this mystery is connected to the Evil Entity buried under Crystal Cove.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, hold on. You said you didn't buy into all this stuff.
:'''Velma''': Well, I ''still'' don't. But my mom helped me see the light and be more open. Maybe this is all science fiction, but a lot of science fiction turns out to be science fact. They laughed at Jules Verne when he wrote about submarines and going to the moon.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, they used submarines to go to the moon?
:'''Scooby''': I guess so.
:'''Velma''': One thing is clear, this isn't the boogeyman, a vampire, werewolves, or an evil leprechaun. This is an extra dimensional intelligent being we're facing. It's real.
:'''Shaggy''': Wow, Velm. Like, that must have been some talk with your mom.
:'''Velma''': It made me remember that the advanced sciences have long accepted the possibility of other dimension. Now I guess things have gotten a lot less theoretical.
:'''Daphne''': So you think having the evil intelligence under Crystal Cove could be why this town that is so weird?
:'''Velma''': Yes. And the weirdness is escalating (''turns on the projector'') because the time of Nibiru is upon us. I discovered that my computer model of the Planispheric Disk perfectly mirrors the planets in our solar system. You can see they're coming into direct alignment. Plus, there is a tenth planet: Planet &quot;X&quot;. It's getting closer, about to come into alignment behind Pluto. It will cause a massive gravitational disruption not seen in 5,000 years. The time of Nibiru happens in two days. And it's this disruption that makes the fabric between dimensions of time and space extremely weak. That's why the evil thing buried beneath Crystal Cove must be destroyed. We know that the Heart of the Jaguar is supposed to be able to destroy this Evil Entity and undo all of its evil.
:'''Fred''': We also know the Spanish conquistadors used the Planispheric Disk to map the Entity's double-triple secret location.
:'''Daphne''': Plus, the Planispheric Disk showed us the location of four keys.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, the old pistol, the helmet, the mortar bowl thingy, and a piece of old sail cloth.
:'''Daphne''': It feels like we know a lot and nothing at the same time.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, welcome to our world. (''chuckles'') Right, Scooby-Doo?
:'''Scooby''': Yeah, we also know nothing. And we love it.
:'''Shaggy and Scooby''': (''dancing'') We know nothing and we love it! Yeah! Ha! Yeah! Ha! We know nothing and we love it! Yeah! Ha! Yeah! Ha!
:(''The ground starts to shake'')
:'''Fred''': Shaggy, Scooby, stop! Don't move!
:(''The ground opens the hole'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': Good thing I had Jason Wyatt help me install this sound amplifying antenna in my binoculars. Let's listen in.
:'''Ricky''': ''There's been no sign of her for weeks.''
:(''The next scene depicts that Ricky is looking at the photo of Cassidy'')
:'''Judy''': Who are you looking for?
:'''Ricky''': Cassidy.
:'''Brad''': Maybe she finally gave up.
:'''Ricky''': No, she would never give up. She's gone.
:'''Pericles''': Of course she's gone. Anyone who crosses me gets ''eliminated.''
:'''Judy''': Um, Professor Pericles, you promised you would surgically alter me back to my stunning self by now. I'm so old like this. How long do you plan on making me suffer?
:'''Pericles''': I don't have time for such things. The treasure is almost within our grasp.
:'''Brad''': Besides, I'm the one who's suffering, not you, Judy.
:'''Judy''': How are you suffering, Brad?
:'''Brad''': Well, I'm the one who has to look at you all day, '''every day.'''
:'''Judy''': (''gasps'') That was very hurtful, Brad.
:'''Brad''': I'm sorry, Judy. I mean, ''grandma''.
:'''Judy''': Well, at least I'm not walking around with that outrageous chin, Bradley.
:'''Ricky''': Look at you, you're all coming unraveled. The closer we get to that treasure... (''The next scene depicts that the gang is hearing the conversation of the old gang with amplifying binoculars'') ''...the more the curse takes over. Cassidy was right. She was right all along.''
:'''Shaggy''': Like, the old Mystery Incorporated dudes are totally losing it.
:(''The next scene depicts that Pericles lights the lamp, pointing the Planispheric Disk'')
:'''Pericles''': Zeek! Zeek! Die Zeit wird kommen! The time has almost arrived. (''The lamp light passes through the holes in the Planispheric Disk pointing the right place'') Focus all the digging on that spot. Und Ricky, when the entrance is found, have my Kriegstaffebots destroy all the workers. They have outlived their usefulness.
:'''Ricky''': You monster! I'm not your trained monkey. I won't do it. I won't be a part of this madness anymore. (''Pericles tortures Ricky with by pressing the button on Cobra larvae'') Aah! Aah! Aah! Yes, pro--master. Whatever you command. I will-- have... (''The next scene depicts the gang is hearing Ricky's words, shocked'') ''...the Kriegstaffebots destroy them all. Not one person from Crystal Cove will be left alive.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': (''looks at the Mystery Machine spare wheel'') Oh, my gosh, gang. What have I done?
:'''Daphne''': What you had to do. What you always do. Turn traps into a fighting chance to live.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pericles''': All my years of searching to find this door! I have done it! It will lead us to the treasure and more. Soon, very soon, the world as we know it will never be the same again. Niemals! (''puts the Planispheric Disk in the gate, making it open'')
:'''Brad''': Professor, won't the kids just follow us in?
:'''Pericles''': Yes, they will. Und I need them too. I need Scooby-Doo. If I'm to take control of the great power below, the dog must be destroyed at just the right moment. Come! My destiny awaits. (''speaks in German to Kriegstaffebots'')
:(''The old gang and Kriegstaffebots enter the cave'')
:(''The gang keeps the artifacts including Heart of the Jaguar'')
:'''Fred''': All right, gang, now let's see where this uber mystery really leads. Ready?
:'''Daphne''': Ready.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, ready.
:'''Velma''': Ready.
:'''Scooby''': Professor Pericles is gonna regret the day he ever messed with ''Scooby-Dooby-Doo.''
:(''The gang enters the cave'')

===Through the Curtain===
:'''Evil Entity''': (''narrates'') Soon... soon I will be free! The time of the Nibiru is nearly at hand. The planets are coming into alignment, working toward my release, as are you. Even though you know it not, I forged you. You are my proudest creation. So come now, children of Nibiru. Be strong and set your master free so that I may bathe this world in ''fire''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brad''': Judy, I have to say, this dark cave is doing wonders for your complexion.
:'''Judy''': Really? It's so nice of you to notice. Thank you, Brad.
:'''Brad''': You're welcome, Judy. In this light, I can barely see your multitude of wrinkles and your mouth full of decaying teeth.
:'''Judy''': (''gasps'') That's it, Bradley! (''starts fighting Brad'')
:'''Pericles''': Stop it! You two are behaving like children.
:(''Kriegstaffebot grabs Judy after kicking Brad'')
:'''Ricky''': The cursed treasure is tearing us apart. I wish Cassidy were here to see you all go to pieces.
:'''Pericles''': Oh, Ricky, you always lacked the stomach for greatness. (''to everyone'') Forward! (''speaks in German'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': (''watching the old gang and Kriegstaffebots through binoculars'') They're on the move.
:(''The gang is walking after the old gang'')
:'''Shaggy''': Like, Scooby-Doo, old pal, this is it. (''grabs the burger sandwich from the backpack'')
:'''Scooby''': The last hamburger.
:'''Shaggy''': We've already eaten all of our snacks. I was saving this for an emergency.
:'''Scooby''': This ''is'' an emergency. That's the last hamburger. (''Shaggy eats the burger sandwich in half and he eats the other half'') Ahh. Looks like we're roughing it from here, Raggy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''The old gang and Kriegstaffebots came to the giant gate'')
:'''Pericles''': Beautiful (''speaks in German'')
:'''Brad''': I'm sorry to ask, Professor Pericles, but--
:'''Judy''': What are we waiting for?
:'''Pericles''': The kinder. I know they are out there following us. Give them a minute. They will soon understand their part in all this. But they must hurry. The planets are nearly in full alignment. The time of Nibiru is almost at hand.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Shaggy and Scooby are watching the giant gate through binoculars'')
:'''Shaggy''': Like, dig those crazy symbols on those Gigantico doors.
:'''Scooby''': (''terrified'') The dream world.
:'''Shaggy''': The what world?
:'''Velma''': The dream world. The keys. Everything we saw, it finally makes sense.
:'''Daphne''': Professor Karen did say that the dream world would show us what we needed to find.
:'''Fred''': And it showed each of us the keys.
:'''Velma''': And what they were for.
:'''Daphne''': The fourth key is the element of air.
:'''Scooby''': The third key is the element of Earth.
:'''Fred''': The second key is the element of water.
:'''Velma''': And the first key is the element of fire. Each one of the 4 keys opens a gate leading down. That first gate is covered with alchemy symbols for air.
:'''Daphne''': But if that's the first gate, why is it attached to the fourth key?
:'''Fred''': Because it's in reverse.
:'''Shaggy''': Of course it is. Like, why would any of this make sense?
:'''Velma''': It makes perfect sense, Shaggy. We're working outside in. (''shows the 4 keys from the backpack'') This is the fourth gate. The next one will be the third. And then the second. And then ultimately the first.
:'''Daphne''': And then... the Evil Entity.
:(''Shaggy and Scooby are shuddering'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pericles''': (''watches the pocket clock'') All right, you Mystery Incorporated. I know you're out there and you have the key.
:(''The gang hides behind the rock'')
:'''Ricky''': Even if the Mystery Incorporated kids are out there, what makes you think you can make them do what you want?
:'''Pericles''': (''chuckles'') Because, my dear Ricky, everyone has their weakness. (''speaks German'')
:(''Kriegstaffebot grabs Marcie out of trunk as a hostage'')
:'''Velma''': Marcie! No!
:'''Pericles''': Good kinder. Now, come cooperate and I will not harm the Hot Dog Water.
:'''Fred''': (''looks at the fourth key'') I'll do it. I'll go.
:'''Daphne''': No, we all go together. No splitting up. Never again.
:(''Fred smiles at Daphne'')
:(''The gang walks near the first gate'')
:'''Fred''': Mom, dad.
:'''Brad and Judy''': Son.
:'''Pericles''': Ahh, the fourth key. I know you had found them. Here, allow my Kriegstaffebots to open the gate. It is very dangerous.
:(''Kriegstaffebot tries to take the fourth key'')
:'''Fred''': I don't need your help, Pericles.
:'''Pericles''': As you wish, Frederick.
:'''Fred''': (''to the gang'') If this gate is what I think it is, and I think it's a big fat trap, it might work in our favor. Hold on to something.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Marcie grabs Pericles hardly'')
:'''Pericles''': Ahh! What is the meaning of this? Put me down, you horrible girl.
:'''Marcie''': Not a chance, you nasty little monster. (''to Kriegstaffebots'') Move and the bird gets it.
:(''Marcie tightens Pericles in her arm'')
:'''Pericles''': (''to Kriegstaffebots'') (''speaks German'') Back off! No one move!
:'''Marcie''': You guys go. Do what you have to do. I've been trapped in that box long enough to hear everything Professor Creepy Bird has in mind. Find that Entity and destroy it. I'll hold them off as long as I can. Go. Now!
:'''Velma''': No, Marcie. I won't. I can't.
:'''Marcie''': You have to. The world needs you. Don't worry about me, V. I'll see you when this is over. (''The gang leaves Marcie, the old gang and Kriegstaffebots behind'') One more move and I pluck this ugly little chicken. (''takes Pericles's feathers'')
:'''Pericles''': Ow! (''to Kriegstaffebots'') Nein! Nein! Stop!
:'''Marcie''': Heh.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Marcie''': (''walks back with Pericles in her arm'') (''last words'') E, I guess I expected more from you.
:'''Ricky''': So did I, little girl. So did I.
:'''Brad''': (''gives Judy his belt'') It's all in your hands now, Judy.
:(''Judy uses Brad's belt as a whip to trip Marcie up, freeing Pericles'')
:'''Marcie''': Ow. (''groans'')
:'''Brad''': Silly child. We were springing impromptu traps before you were born.
:'''Judy''': That's right, Brad.
:'''Brad''': Thank you, Judy.
:(''Kriegstaffebots prepare to shoot Marcie with her last shocked look'')
:(''In the Air Dimension the Kriegstaffebots' guns sounded'')
:'''Scooby''': (''hears the sound of guns'') (''whimpers'')
:'''Velma''': (''sadly'') Come on, Scooby. We have to keep going.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ricky''': You make me sick, Pericles. I wish I had never saved you all those years ago.
:'''Pericles''': Hmm. Do I care? No.
:'''Ricky''': Maybe you should care.
:'''Pericles''': (''shows the remote control'') Perhaps you should care more about the poisonous cobra that I've implanted in your spine. ''Now'', let's move.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''The gang walks to the second gate'')
:'''Shaggy''': Like, the second gate.
:'''Fred''': (''looks at the balance rock'') Hmm... Somebody hand me the mortar bowl.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, Fred is really in his element here, huh?
:'''Daphne''': Pun intended.
:(''Shaggy gives Scooby the mortar bowl, then Scooby gives it to Fred'')
:'''Fred''': Earth.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''The gang walks to the third gate amid a wall of water'')
:'''Daphne''': The third gate.
:'''Velma''': And the second key. Water.
:'''Fred''': (''grabs the conquistador's helmet'') Looks like there's only one place to fill it up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shaggy''': Like, dudes, where are we?
:'''Daphne''': And for that matter, where the heck have we been for the last two keys?
:'''Velma''': We're traveling through different dimensions. An intriguing feature of string theory and advanced physics is that it predicts extra dimensions. In classical string theory, the number of dimensions is not fixed by any consistency criterion.
:'''Shaggy''': What is she talking about?
:'''Scooby''': You're asking me?
:'''Velma''': The Planispheric Disk not only maps 3-dimensional space, but the fourth dimension of time and beyond. Worlds between worlds.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, dude, that's all well and good...
:'''Scooby''': Even if we don't understand a word of it.
:'''Shaggy''': But, like, how are we gonna find the last gate?
:'''Scooby''': Yeah. All I see is water. Endless water!
:'''Velma''': Jinkies. Shaggy and Scooby are right.
:'''Daphne''': We're trapped in the middle of nowhere WITH NO WAY OUT!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pericles''': Looks like the kinder are having fun, and they're ''all'' still alive.
:'''Judy''': That's our Fred.
:'''Brad''': A chip off the old block.
:'''Judy''': Blockhead, more like.
:'''Brad''': Thank you, Judy. (''annoyed'') Hey!
:'''Ricky''': You're insane. ALL of you. None of us are going to make it out of this alive. NONE OF US! (''laughs'') And I'm glad.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shaggy''': I can't take it! I can't take it!
:'''Scooby''': It's okay, Raggy.
:'''Shaggy''': No, Scoob, it is not okay! We're totally lost at sea. No, wait. Correction! Lost on an interdimensional sea, alone and adrift between universes. Dudes, life is completely turned upside down.
:'''Velma''': Upside down. Shaggy Rogers, you're a genius.
:'''Shaggy''': Like...like, huh?
:'''Velma''': It's not up, it's down. The gate is down.
:'''Fred''': Oh. (''puts his head in the water and realizes that the next gate is below, then emerges'') Hey, look.
:(''Daphne, Scooby, Shaggy and Daphne put their heads in the water then emerge'')
:'''Daphne''': Jeepers. You think the fourth gate is down there?
:'''Fred''': Only one way to find out. Come on, gang. (''jumps into the water'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''The gang walks to the fourth gate'')
:'''Daphne''': The last gate.
:'''Fred''': This is it. We made it, gang.
:'''Velma''': I don't like what's waiting for us beyond that door.
:'''Scooby''': Evil.
:'''Shaggy''': Pure evil. That we must destroy with the Heart of the Jaguar.
:'''Scooby''': Let's get this done.
:'''Velma''': Wait. If things prove to be bigger than us, I just want to tell you guys--
:'''Daphne''': No. Nothing is bigger than us. It's the 5 of us. We can do this ''together''.
:(''The gang join hands'')
:'''Shaggy''': Here, let me do the honors.
:(''Fred gives Shaggy the old flintlock pistol'')
:(''Shaggy nervously shoots the flintlock at the gate, the bullet ricochets around the place'')
:'''Fred''': I don't get it. The key didn't work.
:'''Daphne''': That's because the flintlock itself isn't the key. (''puts the flintlock near the gate, the flint shines'') Look, it's the flint.
:'''Fred''': Daphne, you figured it out, you do the honors.
:(''Daphne slots the flint into an opening on the lock and the fourth gate opens'')
:'''Shaggy''': Whoa. This place is like mega creepy and scary. Is it too late to turn back?
:'''Scooby''': Yes. Way too late.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''The gang finally walks to the cursed treasure discovered'')
:'''Scooby''': (''grabs the Heart of the Jaguar'') Hmm? What do I do now?
:'''Evil Entity''': (''locked in a crystal sarcophagus'') Open the sarcophagus.
:'''Shaggy''': It--it spoke.
:'''Evil Entity''': Turn the lock. Set me free.
:'''Fred''': We aren't here to free you.
:'''Velma''': We're here to destroy you.
:'''Evil Entity''': Destroy me? Never. You have no choice. This is your destiny. Everything you have done, you have done for me. I brought you together as I brought all those together before you. I made you into friends. Forced you into a group. I am the author of your every hope and dream. All to this purpose: ''you set me free.''
:'''Shaggy''': Like, is this--this evil telling the truth? Like our whole life, our friendship has been a lie?
:'''Fred''': Maybe everything we think we know, none of it is real.
:'''Daphne''': No. I--I refuse to believe it. (''takes Fred's hand'') My love for Fred is real. I know it. And I love you all. You're my best friends.
:'''Velma''': Daphne's right. Every word this thing spits out is a lie. (''to Scooby'') Destroy it.
:'''Scooby''': This ends now. We'll never set you free.
:'''Pericles''': (''shows up'') That's too bad... (''The old gang arrives with Kriegstaffebots'') ...because I will.
:(''Scooby prepares to destroy the sarcophagus with the Heart of the Jaguar, but Pericles snatches it with his paws'')
:(''Kriegstaffebots hold the gang and Pericles opens the sarcophagus'')
:'''Evil Entity''': The time of Nibiru has come. (''comes out of the sarcophagus and laughs'')

===Come Undone===
:'''Nova''': (''narrates'') A beginning is a very delicate time, much more so an ending. Know that this is the year 10,191. We, the Annunaki, travel between layers of the many universes. We came to help you grow, evolve. But not all of us are good. Some are evil wanting to feed on your energies. This most evil of all is imprisoned in a crystal sarcophagus between worlds so he can cause no harm. This evil desires to devour worlds. He manipulated groups of humans to set him free: The Mayan Hunters of Secrets and their jaguar, Spot, The Fraternitas Mysterium and their donkey, Gordo, The Alianzo Mysterio and their skunk, El Fuchy, The Mystery Gang with their bull Tiny, The Benevolent Lodge of Mystery and their orangutan, Mr. Peaches, They Mystery Fellowship and their cat, Whiskers, Mystery Incorporated and their parrot, Professor Pericles, and the current Mystery Incorporated and their special companion, Scooby-Doo. The time of Nibiru has come. The moment the planets align, the evil one's strength will be the greatest Free in your world, he will grow more powerful every second. He will destroy your city, your planet, your universe. Only one stands in his way: Scoobert Scooby-Doo. (''Evil Entity laughs'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Evil Entity''': (''laughs'') Free! Free! I have been trapped too long. (''laughs'') (''grabs Scooby-Doo'')
:'''Fred''': Hey! What are you doing to Scoob? Hey!
:'''Scooby''': Shaggy, help! (''Fred and Shaggy tried to save Scooby but the Evil Entity hit them away from him'')
:'''Evil Entity''': Do not fight. The dog must die and be reborn as a vessel to my darkness. You should give me form. I shall walk this world a giant.
:'''Scooby''': Never! (''breaks free'')
:'''Pericles''': Nein! Nein! Forget the dog! Consume me. Give me the power!
:'''Evil Entity''': So be it.
:(''The Evil Entity seizes Pericles and pours its essence into his body, causing him to grow into a dark green giant'')
:'''Pericles''': (''laughs'') After all these years '''I am unstoppable!''' (''laughs again'')
:'''Shaggy''': Dude! Somehow that parrot just keeps on getting creepier!
:'''Pericles''': (''last words'') Und I shall finally be rid of the Mystery Incorporated kinder! (''The Evil Entity proceeds to subdue his consciousness'') Aah! Something's wrong! What--WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME?! '''AAAAAAHHHH!!'''
:(''The Evil Entity kills Pericles, mutating the parrot's body into a massive squid-like monster with horns and laughs'')
:'''Ricky''': Professor Pericles?
:'''Evil Entity''': The bird is gone. I am flesh now! '''Flesh!'''
:'''Judy''': (''last words'') Oh, mighty one!
:'''Brad''': (''last words'') We are ready to serve.
:'''Evil Entity''': Good, for I hunger. (''consumes Brad and Judy alive to increase its own strength, the gang is totally shocked'') I am your master now. (''The Kriegstaffebots answers in German language'') Bring the humans closer so that I may feast upon them and grow powerful enough to break my bonds. (''The Kriegstaffebots aim at the gang'')
:'''Daphne''': I think now would be a very good time to--
:'''Fred''': Run!
:(''The gang and Ricky flee but Shaggy stops'')
:'''Shaggy''': Like, Scooby-Doo! Where are you?! (''starts running'')
:'''Evil Entity''': (''laughs'')
:(''Scooby-Doo attempts to destroy the Evil Entity with the Heart of the Jaguar, it breaks'')
:'''Scooby''': Uh-oh!
:'''Evil Entity''': (''laughs again, almost grabbed Scooby-Doo while he's running away from him'') You cannot escape! You are powerless against me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Evil Entity''': You underestimate my strength. I should consume you and grow in power!
:(''The gang looks at each other, the Kriegstaffebot aims at them, Ricky decapitates it with a sword'')
:'''Daphne''': Way to go, Mr. E.
:'''Ricky''': Run, kids! Get out of here now!
:(''The Evil Entity grabs Ricky'')
:'''Velma''': Hang on, E! We'll save you!
:'''Ricky''': (''last words'') It's too late for me, Velma.
:'''Velma''': No!
:'''Ricky''': Save yourself!
:(''The Evil Entity consumes Ricky alive'')
:'''Evil Entity''': Now it is your turn! (''tries to grab the gang but its tentacles are blocked by a shield of blue energy that appears around them'')
:'''Shaggy''': Like, what was up with that?
:'''Evil Entity''': I need more. I shall feast upon all of Crystal Cove!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Evil Entity''': (''laughs'') This world shall be mine. Then I shall devour galaxies. (''laughs again'') (''opens the Crystal Sarcophagus and releases an army of evil Annunaki minions'') Come to me, my minions. Come to me through this portal. Gather all from this place so that I may feed and grow strong!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': We have to do something!
:'''Shaggy''': Yeah, but like, what?
:'''Velma''': What about the spear, the Heart of the Jaguar?
:'''Scooby''': It's broken. It's just a stick.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Evil Entity''': I bring oblivion to this world! (''laughs'')
:'''Scooby''': It's the end.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Scooby-Doo receives a vision from Nova's Annunaki'')
:'''Scooby''': Nova. What do I do? The Heart of the Jaguar is broken.
:'''Nova''': The spear was never the Heart of the Jaguar. The Heart of the Jaguar is something else, Scooby-Doo. At the right moment when the heart is clear, you will know what to do.
:'''Scooby''': Seriously, just tell me what to do?
:'''Nova''': You will know. You will see. You will feel. (''disappears'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Evil Annunaki minions bring the gang to the Evil Entity'')
:'''Evil Entity''': My power approaches the infinite. Then I will absorb you and your friends. I will be '''UNSTOPPABLE!''' (''tries to consume them once again, only to be thwarted by the same barrier'')
:(''Scooby recalls Nova's words'')
:'''Nova''': ''You will know. You will see. You will feel.''
:'''Scooby''': Wait, that's it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Scooby''': The Heart is ''us''. It's always been us.
:'''Velma''': Jinkies! Scooby's right. It can't devour us now and it couldn't touch us earlier, remember?
:'''Daphne''': Not when we stood together. 
:'''Fred''': The 5 of us.
:'''Velma''': Our friendship.
:'''Daphne''': Our love for one another.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, that's the ''true'' Heart of the Jaguar.
:'''Scooby''': And that is something that monster can never take away. Something it can never defeat. It's now or never. '''Let's do this.'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': Wait. Think it through. The Entity is still drawing power from the crystal sarcophagus.
:'''Daphne''': It's some kind of portal between dimensions.
:'''Fred''': That means if we shatter it, then we cut that thing's lifeline.
:'''Evil Entity''': (''still consuming people'') They must be stopped! Bring me them!
:'''Fred''': Gang, as a team. '''Go!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''The gang takes the remains of the Heart of the Jaguar spear and races towards the sarcophagus while Annunaki minions try to stop them'')
:'''Fred''': Daph! (''gives the stick to Daphne'')
:'''Daphne''': Velma! Catch! (''gives the stick to Velma'')
:'''Velma''': Shaggy! (''gives the stick to Shaggy'')
:'''Shaggy''': Finish him, Scooby-Doo!
:(''Shaggy throws the stick in the air, Scooby-Doo launches it with a final kick into the crystal sarcophagus'')
:'''Evil Entity''': (''gasps'') (''The crystal sarcophagus is broken, opens up a vortex'') (''last words'') '''NOOOOOO!!!''' (''The vortex begins to suck everything into it, except for the gang'') No! It cannot be! '''IT SHALL NOT BE!''' WHY! WHY! '''WHYYYYYYYYYYY!!!'''
:(''The vortex causes a galaxy implosion and a bright light'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''The gang watches the town normal and untouched'')
:'''Shaggy''': Like, whoa! Dudes!
:'''Velma''': The town looks untouched. We--we did it! (''The gang cheers'') We saved Crystal Cove!
:'''Fred''': We destroyed the monster!
:'''Daphne''': Let's celebrate!
:'''Scooby''': Yeah, celebrate.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheriff Stone''': (''arrives with Mayor Nettles and four children'') Hey, you kids. Nice to see you out and about on such a lovely day.
:'''Velma''': Sheriff Stone?
:'''Shaggy''': Like, dudes, where did that pint-sized posse come from?
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Mayor wife and I are taking the kids down to the beach.
:'''Daphne''': Mayor wife? Kids?
:'''Mayor Nettles''': You seem awfully forgetful, Daphne. I hope you remember you promised to baby-sit tomorrow night.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Now, Eastwood, Norris and little Billy Jack need to be asleep by 8:00. Linda Carter here can stay up as long as she likes on account of her being more adorable than her brothers.
:'''Mayor Nettles''': Oh, we better run. See you tomorrow. (''leaves with Sheriff Stone and four children'')
:'''Velma''': OK, that was odd.
:'''Fred''': Gang, look at the sign.
:(''The sign says &quot;Crystal Cove - The Sunniest Place on Earth&quot;'')
:'''Daphne''': Didn't it always used to say &quot;The Most Hauntedest Place on Earth&quot;?
:'''Shaggy''': And like, check out that sign.
:'''Fred''': (''reads the Darrow Mansion's sign'') &quot;Visit historic Darrow Mansion&quot;?
:'''Velma''': Darrow Mansion sank underground.
:'''Daphne''': And Danny Darrow was some kind of horrible old troll, remember? I mean, wasn't he?
:'''Scooby''': (''scared'') Duh! What's going on?! (''jumps into Shaggy's arms'')
:'''Velma''': Scooby, I think that's exactly what we need to find out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': Mom, dad, be honest. Are you sure you two have never touched a trap in your entire lives?
:'''Brad''': Traps? Fred, you know we're both...
:'''Judy''': Obstetricians. We bring babies into the world.
:'''Brad''': Happy babies, Judy.
:'''Judy''': Thank you, Brad, happy babies.
:'''Daphne''': But that still doesn't explain why you're here, mom and dad.
:'''Barty''': Oh, it's simple, dear.
:'''Nan''': We're planning your wedding.
:'''Fred and Daphne''': Our wedding?
:'''Nan''': Why, princess, you're almost 18. High time you tied the knot.
:'''Barty''': I only wish we could find more perfect specimens of manhood like Fred for your underachieving sisters.
:'''Daphne''': Huh?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paula''': Don't be silly, Norville, we're so proud. Our son, President of the Chefs Club, winner of the ultimate teen chef award and you've won the national junior epicurean of the year award 3 times in a row.
:'''Shaggy''': But, I--I'm like a slacker.
:'''Colton''': I don't buy that story for a second.
:'''Scooby''': Shaggy, look.
:(''Shaggy and Scooby watch the TV about Creationex Corp.'')
:'''Ricky''': ''Here at Creationex, we've been blessed with inventing clean, sustainable fusion-based energy.''
:'''Cassidy''': ''Now, my beautiful husband and I want to pass that blessing on to you by radically reducing our prices.'' (''Ricky and Cassidy kiss'')
:'''Pericles''': ''Creationex makes life better for everyone!''
:'''Shaggy and Scooby''': Oh!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': Please, Marcie, please. Tell me what's going on?
:'''Marcie''': V, this is no time for fooling around. We're preparing for this year's Tri-state Olympiad of Science, which we have always won.
:'''Velma''': Schrodinger's cat!
:'''Marcie''': Huh? Our event is about mineral erosion. What's the many worlds interpretation of quantum physics have to do with it?
:'''Velma''': Everything! I gotta tell the gang. (''leaves'')
:'''Marcie''': That's my girl.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ethan''': Fred! Bro! You are the coolest.
:'''Gary''': Cooler than cool, the king of cool, the lord king of goal keepers.
:'''Ethan''': Those crazy talented hands of yours blocked every shot last night. Thanks for winning us the championship. You rock!
:'''Gary''': Yeah! And thanks for letting us borrow your van. You double rock! (''he and Ethan leave'')
:'''Fred''': (''looks at the white van'') This--this is my van?
:'''Fred Jones Sr.''': Galloping goalies, Fred, of course it's your van. Now, will you kindly get it off my field?
:'''Fred''': Mayor dad?
:'''Fred Jones Sr.''': You've called me a lot of things over the years, Mr. Jones, coach Jones, principal Jones, but definitely not mayor and never dad. I gotta say I like it. You know, since I never had kids of my own, I've always thought of the students here at my high school as all my kids, but you, Fred, you were always special. I've always been extra proud of you. By the way, my colleague at Miskatonic University sent this for you and your friends. (''gives the disc to Fred'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': With no actuality of wave function collapse, alternative histories and futures are real. I know why everything's different. We destroyed the Entity and by destroying it, it was as if it never existed. So, everything it touched: All the evil, all of the curse, all of the losers in rubber masks and the dumb monster attractions, none of it ever happened. By destroying the Evil Entity, we created an entirely different timeline.
:'''Daphne''': Our neighbors, our families, they've never been negatively influenced by the Evil Entity.
:'''Shaggy''': It's come undone, all of it. Our actions created a better world where we all have normal and productive lives.
:'''Daphne''': Lives that really aren't ours.
:'''Fred''': Worse than that, gang, we've created a world without mysteries.
:'''Velma''': What kind of a world doesn't have mysteries?
:'''Fred''': A world where we don't belong.
:(''The gang feels sorry'')
:'''Daphne''': What do we do now?
:'''Fred''': Well, I just got this disc from Miskatonic University. Might as well see what it is.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Velma puts the disc into the laptop'')
:(''Video starts'')
:'''Harlan Ellison''': ''Harlan Ellison here. You can call me Mr. E. I know who you kids are and I know that you created an alternate timeline by destroying that Evil Entity. How do I know this? How you ask in your purblind ignorance? It's obvious as antlers on a Chihuahua. I'm a genius! All my years of writing speculative fiction has hyper tuned my psychic mnemonic connection with alternate dimensions. That's why I am able to remember every timeline ever created. And believe me, this has happened before, but you kids have slipped the time stream with me. Very rare. You're very strange. That's why I sent you this message. I've taken up residence as professor of sub-nuclear sciences at Miskatonic University. (''shows the university from the window'') I want you in my class next semester. I've already got you all admitted, even that weird dog. There's a lot of meddling to do and a lot of mysteries out there that need solving. Don't miss it.''
:(''Video ends'')
:(''The gang is surprised'')
:'''Fred''': Hold the phone!
:'''Daphne''': Jeepers!
:'''Velma''': Jinkies!
:'''Shaggy''': Zoinks!
:'''Velma''': Miskatonic University? Amazing!
:'''Daphne''': But it's all the way on the other side of the country.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': How are we going to get there?
:'''Fred''': We'll drive, starting right now. And we'll stop and solve every mystery we find along the way.
:'''Scooby''': Ooh! A mystery solving road trip! Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy!
:'''Shaggy''': Like, can we also stop and eat at every burger place and pizza joint we find along the way, too?
:'''Fred''': Absolutely. But first, we need to do something about this van.
:(''The gang starts painting the van'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Last lines'')
:'''Nova''': (''still possessed by the Anunnaki'') Thank you, Scooby-Doo. You are the bravest dog that ever lived.
:'''Scooby''': '''Scooby-Dooby-Doo!'''
:(''The gang drives off into the sunset'')

== External links==
{{Wikipedia}}

[[Category:2010s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Animated television series reboots]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated horror TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated mystery TV shows]]
[[Category:Cartoon Network shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:Scooby-Doo TV shows]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about dogs]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about teenagers]]
[[Category:Television series by Warner Bros. Animation]]</text>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-11T15:12:04Z</timestamp>
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      <text bytes="225856" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''Scooby-Doo! Mystery Incorporated''''' is the 11th [[Scooby-Doo]] television series. Taking place in the small town of Crystal Cove, where the adults (especially Mayor Jones) often try to use the phony spooks as ways of making money, the show follows the kids as the mysteries they solve leads to an even bigger, even more dangerous, even more terrifying mystery. New to this series that separates it from other revivals of Scooby-Doo is the overarching story plot, the focus on the romantic relationships of the gang, and the darker tone of the show.

== Season 1 ==
===Beware the Beast from Below===
:(''First lines'')
:(''The gang cheers'')
:'''Velma''': Another mystery bites the dust.
:'''Fred''': Way to go, gang!
:'''Daphne''': Let's celebrate!
:'''Scooby''': Yeah, celebrate.
:(''Sheriff Stone closes the cell door'')
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Better idea.
:'''Fred''': Aw, come on, Sheriff.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Just cork it. You see this badge? Know why it's here?
:'''Velma''': It came with the shirt?
:'''Sheriff Stone''': It's here because if there's a crime, I solve it. (''goes to the office door'') Oh, and by the way, I've called all your parents, who, by now, I have on speed dial. (''mocking'') Oh, are you in trouble. Especially you, Fred. Say hi to dad, the Mayor. (''leaves'')
:'''Daphne''': Just once, it would be nice if someone thanked us for solving a mystery.
:'''Fred''': Good thing we're not in this to be liked. (''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma and Daphne look a little annoying to him'') Maybe that didn't come out quite right.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shaggy''': (''after being attacked by the slime monster'') Zoinks! Like, (''laughs nervously'') what was that?
:'''Fred''': (''getting out of the Mystery Machine'') It looks like a mystery to me, and I think that's just a little more important than school.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': (''finds locket'') Fred, I found something! ''(Opens locket and music plays)''
:'''Fred''': Huh. Could be a clue! Good work Daphne!
:'''Daphne''': Thanks, Fred. You're so sweet.... ''(looks up. Fred has walked away, looking for clues)'' It's okay. We can talk later, um.....

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheriff Stone''': All right, you see what happens when you kids stick your noses where they don't belong? People get cocooned!
:'''Shaggy''': Like, man, we found them like that!
:'''Daphne''': (''trying to show what she means with her hands'') Sheriff, there was a monster--
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Quiet. From this point forward this is a ''crime scene'' and future tourist attraction - stay out of it. (''walks away'')
:'''Velma''': I gotta stay out of it right here. (''holds up fist'')
:'''Fred''': Let me talk to him. (''walks away'')
:'''Daphne''': (''dreamily'') Don't worry. Fred will make him understand.
:'''Fred''': (''runs back carrying body'') Shaggy, start the car!
:'''Shaggy''': Like, I thought you were going to talk to him!
:'''Fred''': He wasn't in a listening mood.
:'''Velma''': (''opens back of the van'') So you stole a body? Rockin!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': (''Angel opens door. Fred is lying down with his head on the record player'') Fred? Fred, it's us. We're here for you. (''sits down next to him. Scooby Doo licks his hair'')
:'''Fred''': It's no use, gang. I was the one who stole the body and Professor Raffalo paid the price. I should have listened to my dad and stayed out of any new mysteries.
:'''Velma''': We all helped steal the body, Fred.
:'''Shaggy''': Well, I actually never took pa- (''Velma elbows him in the ribs'') Okay, fine, yes we all took part, Freddie.
:'''Daphne''': Fred Jones, you've never backed away from a mystery in your life.
:'''Fred''': I've got nothing!
:'''Velma''': Man up, Fred! We still have our first clue, the cocoon! I brought a sample - Scooby, what are you doing? (''Scooby is eating the slime from the cocoon'')
:'''Scooby''': What? Rit's Ruitmeiers! Yummy! (''Starts eating again'')
:'''Velma''': Eww!
:'''Angel''': Check it out. If that dog mutates, I'm putting it down. Dead.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, hold on. I think I get it. (''walks over and tastes the slime'')
:'''Daphne, Fred, Velma, Angel''': Ew!
:'''Shaggy''': No, you guys, it's Fruitmeier's! The cocoon is made of the same stuff as Fruitmeier's Deserts.
:'''Daphne, Fred, Velma, Angel''': What? (''They all get up and taste it'')
:'''Daphne''': You're right. But if the cocoon is made of Fruitmeier's Deserts...
:'''Shaggy''': That means if we capture the monster, we can have our own shop. And we can have an endless supply of Fruitmeier's Deserts. Oh boy.
:'''Fred''': No. It means that that slime mutant may not be a monster at all. What do we know about Franklin Fruitmeier?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': Franklin Fruitmeier. Showed up in town out of nowhere two months ago. Before that, nothing. He's hiring right now for female servers.
:'''Fred''': And that's our in.
:'''Shaggy''': If the girls can get jobs at Fruitmeier's, they can snoop around and find out more.
:'''Fred''': Great idea, Shag!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shaggy''': (''he and Scooby are dressed as girls''). Uh, this isn't exactly what I had in mind. Why are Scooby Doo and I dressed like girls when Velma and Daphne ''are'' girls?
:'''Scooby''': Yeah. My skirts too tight.
:'''Daphne''': Because Velma and I refused. (''Shaggy and Scooby glare at them'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': This is gonna be awesome! (''the cage eventually falls on him, Shaggy, Scooby, and Velma. The slime monster laughs and covers them in slime. Daphne gasps, then sees the slime mutant next to her'')
:'''Daphne''': Aaaahhh!!! (''runs'')
:'''Velma''': Daphne, run! (''Daphne runs past and jumps through hole in the ceiling, followed by slime mutant'')
:(''Scooby starts eating slime'')
:'''Fred''': Eat, gang! It's Fruitmeier's!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Fred! You saved me!
:'''Fred''': Not right now, Daphne. I have to figure out why my trap didn't work.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': What is going on here?
:'''Mayor Jones''': Why is the town's latest tourist attraction cocooned to the wall?
:'''Fred''': Dad! Sheriff! Hold on. You don't understand. That is not a monster.
:'''Mayor Jones''': Oh, hopping steamed clams, Fred. Then who is it?
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma and Daphne''': Franklin Fruitmeier.
:'''Velma''': He was trying to rob Crystal Cove bank.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Uhh, that's impossible. Franklin Fruitmeier's the one who called us. (''Franklin arrives'')
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma, Daphne and Fred''': What?
:'''Franklin''': I was making a clipper ship out of circus balloons when the silent alarm rang at my home. Oh, good gracious! What is that?
:'''Shaggy''': But if the monster isn't Franklin Fruitmeier, then, dude, who is it?
:(''Scooby unmasks The Slime Mutant'')
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma, Daphne and Fred''': Professor Emmanuel Raffalo?
:'''Emmanuel''': That's right. I was trying to scare people away from the sewers while I dug my way into the bank and got rich.
:'''Daphne''': But you've got a job as a teacher. Why do you need more money?
:(''Emmanuel doesn't answer'')
:'''Daphne''': Yeah, my bad.
:'''Fred''': Oh, yeah, right.
:'''Shaggy''': You're really getting ripped off.
:'''Emmanuel''': I discovered that the Crystal Cove caves were connected to the sewer by accident while collecting mold spores for my class. Once I realized the cave led right under the bank, I put my plan into motion. Fruitmeier's gave me secret access to the sewer, so I decided to frame balloon boy for the crime by using his disgusting dessert. I staged my own disappearance to throw doubt on any hint of my involvement. Oh, it was foolproof, genius. That is, until you... you--
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Meddling.
:'''Emmanuel''': Meddling. Yes, meddling kids and your blasted dog ruined everything.
:'''Daphne''': Wait. (''shows the locket'') What about this locket we found where you were digging?
:'''Emmanuel''': Never seen it before.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': All right. Well, guess we owe you kids thanks. You did save the bank. Although you also lost the town a serious revenue stream. Stream of revenue!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': You okay, Daph?
:'''Daphne''': I just don't get it. If this locket didn't belong to Professor Raffalo, then who?
:(''The telephone rings, Shaggy pressed the button'')
:'''Shaggy''': Like, K-Ghoul 101.4. What can we scare up for you, daddy-o?
:'''Mr. E''': You're all doomed.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, uh-uh-- Like, who--who is this?
:'''Mr. E''': You can call me Mr. E. You should never have brought that locket out of the cave. You don't know what you've uncovered.
:'''Daphne''': Uncovered? Uncovered what?
:'''Mr. E''': A truth that should have remained hidden the truth behind the curse of Crystal Cove. The ''real'' mystery has just begun.
:'''Scooby''': Scooby... Dooby... Doo.

===The Creeping Creatures===
:'''Scooby''': What is it?
:'''Shaggy''': Like, um, I think it's a box.
:(''Fred and Daphne glare at him annoyed'')
:(''Fred opens the box'')
:'''Velma''': (''picks up a card inside'') It's from Mr. E! (''reads'') Saved this for a rainy day. Enjoy.
:'''Daphne''': Mr. E gives me the creeps. (''Fred starts to open the box'') Fred, careful. That could be a bomb! (''Fred pulls out a purse'') Ooh, strike that. Cute purse! (''reaches for it, but Velma takes it'')
:'''Fred''': Check it out! ''100% pure gator. Made in Gatorsburg''!
:'''Scooby''': Ratorsburg?
:'''Daphne''': But that's impossible! Gatorsburg hasn't manufactured Gator products in decades!
:'''Velma''': Not since the gator mines dried up!
:'''Scooby''': Rator mines?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': Gang, we have a mystery on our hands!
:'''Velma''': Oh, sweet Christmas, finally!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Dinkley''': Hello?
:'''Mayor Jones''': Yello.
:'''Mrs. Blake''': Yes?
:'''Velma''': (''into phone'') Hey, Mom. We're stuck in Gatorsburg.
:'''Fred''': (''into phone'') The van broke down.
:'''Daphne''': (''into phone'') Think you could come and get us?
:'''Mrs. Dinkley''': Oh, I wish I could, but tonight's race night! You know me and horses! Venus is in it's third retro grade which means I'm betting on Sick Little Monkey to show.
:'''Mayor Jones''': Meddling mushroom caps, Fred! I've already got the recliner in the reclined position. There's no going back from that.
:'''Mrs. Blake''': Oh, sweetie, it's dark out. I can't go out in the dark. (''Fred, Daphne, and Velma hang up'')
:'''Shaggy''': (''calls and gets the answering machine'') Oh, wait. Duh. It's still life night.
:'''Velma''': (''slyly'') I guess we're here for the whole night.
:'''Scooby''': And Scooby Dooby too!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Greta Gator''': I got a few hotel rules. (''Fred enters the room, but Greta blocks Daphne and Velma'') Rule number one: Boys and girls in separate rooms. No exceptions!
:'''Velma''': Then I guess I'm with you, Daphne.
:'''Greta''': I said ''no exceptions''!
:'''Velma''': But, I'm a girl.
:'''Greta''': Oh, right. Rule number two: stay in your rooms, no matter what you hear. That includes screams, moans, wails, pounding, claws scratching, and anything that sounds like a body being dragged across a hard-wood floor.
:'''Fred''': Okayy...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': (''showing Daphne his trap scrapbook'')....and I left a few pages blank, you know, for future traps.
:'''Daphne''': (''extremely bored'') Good thinking. (''Scooby bursts into the room, terrified and panting'')
:'''Fred''': Scoob! What's the matter?
:'''Daphne''': He's trying to tell us something! (''Scooby tries to show them what he means'')
:'''Fred''': Tater people! Uh, crater sneeple? (''Scooby starts wheezing'') Skater feeple!
:'''Daphne''': (''stands up'') Gator people! (''Scooby sighs in relief'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''The police car arrives'')
:'''Fred''': Time to find out who these greedy gators really are. (''unmasks the Creeping Creatures'')
:'''Daphne''': Grady Gator?
:'''Shaggy''': Greta Gator?
:'''Scooby''': Gunther Gator?
:'''Fred''': But why?
:'''Grady''': After we ran out of gators, everybody moved OUT of Gatorsburg. But not us.
:'''Greta''': This here's our HOME.
:'''Daphne''': So with no alligators left, you decided to make imitation gator products and pass them off as real.
:'''Velma''': But you couldn't have anyone snooping around Gatorsburg. So you created the Creeping Creatures to scare people away.
:'''Fred''': Then you could run your gator ring without anyone knowing who you were or what you were up to.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, that is one ridiculous plan.
:'''Gunther''': And you know what? We would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling juveniles and your unauthorized investigation of our synthetic gator accessories.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': You're telling me this gator stuff is fake? I paid a fortune for this track suit!
:'''Velma''': Sorry, Sheriff.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': (''sighs'') Man, I gotta get out of this suit. This fake gator doesn't breathe. I'm starting to smell a little... ''funky''. Arrest them... even though I have absolutely NO JURISDICTION HERE! (''drives away'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': Wait, Sheriff. can you give us a ride? The Mystery Machine isn't...
:(''The engine of Mistery Machine is revving'')
:'''Everyone''': (''gasp'')
:'''Shaggy''': Zoinks! Like, there's no engine in the Mystery Machine. It's haunted!
:(''Fred opens the hood, there's a letter of Mr. E'')
:'''Velma''': It's from Mr. E.
:'''Daphne''': (''opens the letter and reads'') &quot;Hope you had a good time in Gatorsburg. But be warned, there are more mysteries to come. This is only one piece of the puzzle.&quot;
:'''Fred''': Puzzle? What's that supposed to mean?
:'''Shaggy''': Like, I've got a bad feeling we're gonna find out. Oh.
:(''The lightning appears loudly in the sky, Shaggy grabs Scooby whimpering'')

===The Secret of the Ghost Rig===
:'''Police Officer''': You realize you were speeding?
:'''Teenage Driver''': Y-yes, I do, Officer.
:'''Police Officer''': Okay, as long as you know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Jones''': Ah, Fred my boy! Today is a very exciting day for you, because today you learn the family business: politics!
:'''Fred''': Politics? That's ''adult'' stuff! You know, kids my age are into traps and solving mysteries!
:'''Mayor Jones''': No they're not, son! You're going to learn all the vital things I do for this community, like create pamphlets and strategize about new places to put parking meters.
:'''Velma''': I know a place he can put another parking meter.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rung''': Anyway, give me a jingle and we'll plan a magical night on the town. (''glances at his watch'') Oh yeah, the life of the seventh largest regional ladder manufacturer never stops. Sorry, but I gotta ''rung''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Are you trying to set me up with - ''him''? What about Fred?
:'''Mr. Blake''': You're just friends, right?
:'''Daphne''': Well, yeah - but we're really good friends. And I don't know, it feels like cheating. On a friend.
:'''Mrs. Blake''': Darling, think of it like trying a new cut of meat. Why have ''ground beef'', when you can have a nice prime rib?
:'''Daphne''': But I don't even like meat! I like vegetables. Like Fred.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Jones''': What's going on here - (''notices George Avocados'') Avocados.
:'''Avocados''': That's A''voc''ados.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': (''flirtatiously'') You know, Shag, I have plenty of food back at my place.
:'''Shaggy''': Um, like, thanks Velma, but Scooby Doo has had his tongue tattooed with a map of every single pizza joint in town. As you can see, we got it covered.
:'''Velma''': Yeah, in drool.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheriff Stone''': And so you're saying this ghost truck disappeared like a, uh... ghost truck.
:'''Scooby''': Yep, that's pretty much it.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Well, looks like you kids might have stumbled onto a new tourist attraction.
:'''Shaggy''': ''Tourist attraction''? Like, man, it nearly dumped us in the cove!
:'''Velma''': Besides, we're not even sure it was a ghost!
:'''Sheriff Stone''': I'm sorry, but didn't you say there was no driver? That's textbook ghost truck, case closed!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': I ''knew'' it! Anyone with hair that perfect has to be guilty of ''something''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Jones''': (''caught in Fred's trap'') Screaming pandas, what is the meaning of this?
:'''Fred''': Dad, we think George Avocados is the ghost trucker, and he's trying to sabotage your reelection!
:'''Mayor Jones''': That's completely absurd. Why would a ghost drive a truck when everyone knows they can fly? Especially an eighteen wheeler, those require a Class ''Six'' license.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Scooby''': Nice going, Raggy. (''laughs'') Good job.
:'''Mayor Jones''': (''arrives'') Pickled porcupines. What's going on here, Fred? I was in my office working late, when suddenly it sounds like some demonic force is tearing apart city hall. Tell me it's true.
:'''Fred''': It's even better, dad. We caught the Ghost Trucker. And he's none other than...
:'''The Ghost Trucker''': Let me out of here! Aaah! (''crawls from out of the Ghost Truck and falls to the ground'') Uhh!
:'''Everyone''': Rung Ladderton?
:'''Rung''': Ooh, ahh, shock. Yeah, yeah, that's right. And I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you meddling... peers.
:'''Daphne''': Of course. It all makes sense. Rung was using the Ghost Truck to smuggle doorknobs out of Crystal Cove, so he could find Theodore Avocados' missing diamond.
:'''Fred''': Avocados disguised the diamond as a doorknob. That's why it was never found.
:'''Rung''': You are correct, my little ascot-wearing friend, but that idiot Avocados didn't say in his journal which crystal knob was really the diamond. So, I had to steal 'em all. And what better way than with a Ghost Truck to smuggle them all out of town?
:'''Velma''': We should have known. The other guy who bought the tires was G. Nurno Treddal, a name far too ridiculous to be real, because it's Rung Ladderton spelled backwards!
:'''Fred''': But Rung, you're rich. You've got everything: ladders, ascots. Why did you need a diamond?
:'''Rung''': I inherited a ladder company. We make the one product in the world that no one ever replaces. Ladders don't wear out like TVs or personal trainers over 40. (''Sheriff Stone handcuffs Rung'') No, no. They're built to last, which means no sales. The company's broke.
:'''Daphne''': I don't think you'll be needing this anymore. (''removes Rung's orange ascot'')
:(''Sheriff Stone takes Rung into custody'')
:'''Fred''': Thanks, Daph.
:'''Daphne''': No worries. I'm always here for you, Fred. (''removes the purple ascot and puts the orange one to Fred'') Seriously, right here.
:'''Mayor Jones''': I gotta hand it to you, Fred. Your traps actually came in handy this time.
:'''Fred''': Gee, dad. Does this mean you finally accept what I want to do with my life?
:'''Mayor Jones''': (''laughs'') Oh Fred. No.

===Revenge of the Man Crab===
:'''Dylan''': Here, I brought some water.
:'''Brenda''': Ew, I don't want any of that fatty fat water! I want Trickells' Trickquid!
:'''Dylan''': Trickell's Trickquid ''is'' water.
:'''Brenda''': Um, ''no'', it's one hundred percent diet moisture.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': Ugh, not that place! That guy's a total freak!
:'''Shaggy''': No, he's, like, totally cool! Just ''don't mention his nose''.
:'''Velma''': Hey there, Cappy! What happened to the old sniffer? (''Shaggy groans'')
:'''Skipper Shelton''': What ''happened''? I'll tell it for you! It was a clam that took it, fierce and mighty was he, and reduced me to wearing facial underwear he did! But I'll find him, and I won't stop shucking till I do. Understand?
:'''Velma''': Yes sir, Captain Admiral, sir!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': You know, we're still close to the water. All kinds of fish in there.
:'''Fred''': (''watching the volleyball game'') Yep, they're so beautiful!
:'''Daphne''': The ''girls''?
:'''Fred''': No, the nets!
:'''Daphne''': The nets?
:'''Fred''': I wonder what their tensile strength is? They're nylon, absolutely ''perfect'' for traps!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': We can't let that thing get away!
:'''Shaggy''': Sure we can, Fred! All we have to do is stand right here!
:'''Scooby''': Yeah, stand right here!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': Wow, who are you trying to impress?
:'''Daphne''': What, this old thing? I've had it forever. I just want to do a good job. Would you rub oil on my back? Fred likes shiny things, and I'm tired of him staring at nets.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': There's a book over here. Daphne read a book once. And that chair, Daphne liked to sit in chairs. And that card catalogue over there -
:'''Velma''': Not helping, Fred.
:'''Fred''': I know. What's wrong with me?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': Hey, Daphne? Let me ask you something. If you liked a boy -
:'''Daphne''': ''Who'' told you? Was it one of my sisters? [ Daphne mad at Velma] Dawn! Ha! She thinks she's so perfect. Well, what no one knows is, she has a sixth toe on her -
:'''Velma''': Um, what are you talking about?
:'''Daphne''': I - clearly, not what you were talking about...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shaggy''': Like, we've got him!
:'''Velma''': Good going! But how did you find your way out?
:'''Scooby''': (''sniffing'') Clam cones.
:'''Velma''': You were saved by junk food?
:'''Shaggy''': Like, what can I say? Junk food and me have a very special relationship.
:'''Velma''': Maybe I should ask it for advice.
:'''Fred''': Speaking of clam cones, I see Skipper Shelton isn't around again. Or are you, Skipper? (''unmasks the Man Crab'')
:'''Skipper''': (''arrives'') Ah, back from the Laundromat, I am. And once more does me nose-hammock smell fresh as the morning tide.
:'''Daphne''': Wait, if you're not the Man Crab, then who...?
:'''Velma''': Everyone, meet Bud Shelton. (''grabs Bud's head out of Man Crab disguise'')
:'''Scooby, Shaggy and Daphne''': Who?
:'''Velma''': The Trickell's Triquid mascot.
:'''Bud''': And the inventor, not that dirtball, Trickell.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, how did you know, Velma?
:'''Velma''': I knew it wasn't a real crab because Daphne never got allergic when she was around it. Plus, when I saw the mole pattern on the cheek of man next to Trickell in the newspaper, I remembered the same pattern on the mascot.
:'''Bud''': He took the credit for my creation. It was supposed to be called Bud's Bloosh. I was still working on the name. I spent countless hours making the Man Crab costume and even more time building my system of trap doors and stairs under the beach. And in case anyone came snooping in between kidnappings, I hid my costume in a locker big enough to hold it, putting a label with Skipper's name on it over the real label. So if anyone found it, they'd blame him.
:'''Daphne''': All that work just to get back at Mr. Trickell? Wouldn't it have been easier and-- more legal to sue him?
:'''Bud''': Are you kidding? Lawyers take forever. I would have succeeded, too, if it weren't for you meddling brats probing into my crustacean-themed revenge scheme.
:'''Skipper''': Well, &quot;almost&quot; doesn't shuck the clam, (''to Scooby'') does it, wolfie?
:(''Skipper and Scooby laugh'')
:'''Scooby''': I have no idea what you're talking about.

===The Song of Mystery===
:'''Velma''': Shaggy, you promised me you weren't going to use the word 'like' so much. It makes you sound ignorant.
:'''Shaggy''': Oh, right. Like, um, I forgot.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': They can't just leave all the kids!
:'''Sheriff Stone:''' They'll be fine. We'll air drop in some freeze dried camp food. Just because they're 'spookified' doesn't mean they can't reconstitute macaroni!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': Here, pick out a new pair of pants.
:'''Shaggy''': What's wrong with my pants?
:'''Velma''': You promised me you were going to start caring more about your appearance.
:'''Shaggy''': But I like those pants.
:'''Velma''': You've worn them since the eight grade.
:'''Shaggy''': They're comfortable pants
:'''Velma''': Fine.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Dinkley''': (''giving tour'') This is the location of the most recent attack by the creature that's been spookifying the children of Crystal Cove. (''notices the gang'') Velma, sweetheart, how are you? (''yelling'') Sheriff, they're back!
:'''Velma''': ''Mom'', please! We just wanted to see what was happening!
:'''Mrs. Dinkley''': There's nothing to see. Not unless you're paying.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Portillo''': The peoples have long told the tale of Qué Horrífico. A normal man by day, but every sundown he changes into Qué Horrífico. He roams through the villages and plays his song of mystery on a pan flute, turning the childrens into... ''Terriblegatos''!
:'''Fred''': In America, we call it 'getting spookified'.
:'''Dr. Portillo''': That is good enough, thank you. Eventually, he takes them to his spooky town, or cave or something. There's a lot of debate on that, who can really know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mary Anne Gleardan''': Fred Jones, Jr. You were supposed to meet me in the library for your civics tutoring.
:'''Fred''': Mary Anne, I can't. I have something important I need to do.
:'''Mary Anne Gleardan''': What could possibly be more important than ''civics''?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Portillo''': Oh no! I think - I think [the transformation] is happening! Oh no! It's happening! It's happening! AHHH! Here it comes! Oh, I so scared! I so scared! Here it comes! Oh - No, it's just gas.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': This is nice.
:'''Fred''': Watch it, Daphne! Remember, we're married; don't look so happy!
:'''Velma''': It's almost sunset. We'd better get inside.
:'''Fred''': Right. (''loudly'') Come, two young children, it's bedtime! Grandma's gonna tell you a story!
:'''Shaggy''': Oh goodie!
:'''Fred''': Quick, get inside.
:(''Inside, ready for trap'')
:'''Scooby''': Aren't you going to tell us a story?
:'''Velma''': Yes, The End. Now shh.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Mayor Jones and Sheriff Stone arrive'')
:'''Mayor Jones''': What in the name of whole wheat toast is going on?
:'''Fred''': We got him, dad.
:(''Scooby unmasks Qué Horrífico'')
:'''Mary Anne Gleardan''': You mean her.
:'''Fred, Daphne, Velma, Shaggy''': Mary Anne Gleardan.
:'''Mayor Jones''': Your tutor? But why?
:'''Mary Anne Gleardan''': I was trying to scare all the adults out of Crystal Cove so I could run the city my way. (''hocking'') (''to Fred'') I told you, I have brilliant ideas. (''to everyone'') With all the adults gone, there's be no one to stand in my way. I learned about the legend of Qué Horrífico in Dr. Portillo's honors class. It was the perfect solution. I used the high school's theater department for my costume. I went to every kindergarten and elementary school in the city to convince the children to pretend to be spookified. In return I offered them Utopia! When that didn't work, I offered them candy. Whenever the children heard me playing the pan flute, that was their signal to put on their fake hair and fangs and commence spookification. I almost had the whole town cleared of adults. I would have, too, if it weren't for you (''speaks latin'')
:'''Fred, Daphne, Velma, Shaggy and Scooby''': Huh?
:'''Mary Anne Gleardan''': (''sighs'') Loosely translated it means &quot;Meddlesome kids&quot; in latin.
:'''Arthur''': I'm going home. I miss my mom and dad. (''The other kids say goodbyes and walk into their homes'') By the way, this was lame.
:(''Sheriff Stone handcuffs Mary Anne'')
:'''Mary Anne Gleardan''': Wait, you're taking me to jail? But I'm just a kid!
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Do you know how many boxes we're stuck with of Qué Horrífico t-shirts, Qué Horrífico pamphlets, Qué Horrífico dance CDs, Qué Horrífico--?
:'''Mary Anne Gleardan''': Okay, okay. I see your point.

===The Legend of Alice May===
:'''Daphne''': I'm telling you, she's up to something!
:'''Fred''': C'mon, Daphne. So, Alice was using the shower and hanging out in the school basement late at night. Haven't we all?
:'''Daphne''': What if Alice is the ghost girl the Sheriff mentioned? You could be in danger, Fred.
:'''Fred''': Don't you think I'd know if she were a ghost girl?
:'''Velma''': I'd be willing to bet... no.
:'''Scooby''': Yeah, me too.
:'''Shaggy''': Yeah, like, what do we really know about Alice?
:'''Fred''': You mean, besides the fact that she's super nice, and her hair smells like peaches, and sometimes I get lost in her eyes, and -
:'''Daphne''': Fred Jones, do you like this girl?
:'''Fred''': (''points at his &quot;watch&quot;'') Wow, look at the time.
:'''Daphne''': You're not wearing a watch, Freddie.
:'''Fred''': Oh. Well, I'd better go find one, then!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angel''': Looks like your ghost girl's building herself... a ''man posse''.
:'''Shaggy''': Zoinks! Like, what if Fred's her latest possum?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Delilah''': Hey, baby sis. Something got you down.
:'''Daphne''': Hey, Delilah. It's okay, I'm fine.
:'''Delilah''': No, no, I can tell. Same way I can tell when I look in the eyes of the enemy and see their cold, grey heart and know it's either me, or them.
:'''Daphne''': Uh, okay...
:'''Delilah''': Ah, boy trouble. I've been Fear's bunkmate before. Let me tell you a story. There was a beach. Enemy dug in along the shore. They picked us off one by one but I knew I had to get my men through, ''understand''?
:'''Daphne''': No.
:'''Delilah''': All right, here's another story -
:'''Daphne''': Delilah, really, don't worry. I'm gonna figure this out.
:'''Delilah''': I hear you. Call if you need me. ''Whoo-aahh''!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shaggy''': Like, wow! I didn't know this year's prom theme was terror and pandemonium!
:'''Velma''': What's going on?
:'''Ethan''': Somebody's ''mom'' is trying to kill Fred.
:'''Gary''': Yeah, thanks, ''Mystery Geeks'', for wrecking our prom.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ghost Girl''': Don't touch me!
:'''Mayor Jones''': (''arrives with Sheriff Stone'') Hazy fantasie, Fred. Didn't you hear me when I said, &quot;if you see a ghost girl, do not go to the prom with her.&quot;?
:'''Fred''': Don't worry, dad. She may look like a ghost girl, but in reality she's... (''unmasks the ghost girl'') Alice May. Or she's also known as...
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma, Daphne and Fred''': Alice Carlswell May.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Carlswell? As in Deacon Carlswell? The Creeper?
:'''Alice''': That is right. He was my dad. When daddy was in prisoned, I vowed revenge on those who put him there. I used his old costume to construct my own. When I found the legend of the evil ghost girl online, I was ready to spring my trap. I grabbed that fool Randy to throw you all off the track. And I kept him hidden and fed in my father's crypt until I could let him go. After that, it was just a matter of getting rid of your precious leader, and Fred. I'm going to zap your gang the way ''you'' feeded my father. And I would have succeeded, too, if it weren't for you meddling... ''schoolmates''... of mine.

===In Fear of the Phantom===
:'''Fred''': Perfect! Daphne's our phantom bait.
:'''Daphne''': Oh, this is so exciting - wait. ''Bait''?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheriff Stone''': All right, now let me get this straight; these T-shirts are fifty dollars each, this is cotton, right? The kind that comes from cows?
:'''Velma''': Sheriff, you need to focus. The phantom has already taken Daphne!
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Right. Where's Daphne?
:'''Shaggy, Velma, Scooby, and The Hex Girls''': The phantom took her away!
:'''Sheriff Stone''': All right, now we're getting somewhere! And by the way, what's wrong with the Jones kid? He's acting a little... ''squirrely''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': Daphne. ''Now''. I need to talk to her.
:'''Daphne''': (''dressed as crush'') Daphne's gone. Call me Crush.
:'''Fred''': Darn it, lady, I'm serious! Where is she?
:'''Daphne''': Urgh, Fred. It's me, okay?
:'''Fred''': Uh... oh. I need to tell you something and I need you to listen. I'm not a guy anymore.
:'''Daphne''': What?
:'''Fred''': I have feelings! I care!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harry''': If you had a lizard face, I'd still love you, Scooby.
:'''Scooby''': And I'd love you, Harry. More Sandwich?
:'''Shaggy''': Like, okay, you know what? Enough! You can't replace me with a ''dummy''!
:'''Scooby''': Do you hear something, Harry?
:'''Shaggy''': Like, there ''is'' no Harry. Harry is you, and like, dude, I am your best friend!
:'''Harry''': Um, no, I don't think so.
:'''Shaggy''': Why don't you just stay out of it, Harry? And, like, stop watching Vincent van Ghoul movies. That's mine and Scooby Doo's thing!
:'''Harry''': ''Really''? Cause Scooby Doo thought you cared more about girls and going to proms! (''Shaggy begins to wrestle with 'Harry' before realizing that Harry's a puppet'')
:'''Shaggy''': Wait, wha - what am I ''doing''?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Jones''': (''arrives with Sheriff Stone'') Bug-eyed biscuits, Fred. Couldn't you have waited until after the show to catch the phantom?
:'''Fred''': Sorry, dad. Not with Daphne in danger. (''unmasks the phantom'')
:'''Everyone''': Daniel Frizette?
:'''Shaggy''': Or, like, should we call you Fantzee Pantz?
:'''Hex Girls''': Fantzee Pantz?
:'''Gus''': Doth my eye shadow deceive? How did you know?
:'''Fred''': The villain had to be someone close to the Hex Girls to access the stage.
:'''Shaggy''': And the Hex Girls' equipment.
:'''Scooby''': And their bus.
:'''Velma''': Someone with a grudge against the Hex Girls.
:'''Daniel''': The Hex Girls took my career. I tried to get revenge by writing bad songs for them, but they can make anything a hit. So, I became the phantom. And I'd do it again if it weren't for the uncanny boy band knowledge of you meddling brats!
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Let's go.

===The Grasp of the Gnome===
:'''Sheriff Stone''': No admittance.  This is a quarantined area.  Besides, the movie's already started.
:'''Scooby''': You're showing ''them'' a movie?
:'''Shaggy''': Yeah, aren't they, like, frozen with gnomey magic?
:'''Sheriff Stone''': I already saw the movie. Believe me, magically frozen is the perfect viewing state to be in.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': Now let's see who you really are. (''unmasks the Gnome'')
:'''Daphne, Velma and Scooby''': (''gasp'') The Court Fool? Uh-Oh.
:'''Amanda Littlefoot''': That's my husband, Gill Littlefoot! What did you think you were doing, fool? (''hits Gill with her staff'')
:'''Gill''': What I've wanted to do for years: Frame you for the gnome attacks. And once you were out of the way, take your fortune for my own. (''Amanda hits him again'') Ow! Will you stop that?
:'''Velma''': But you're too tall. How could you ever be the gnome?
:'''Gill''': There's a reason our family name is ''Littlefoot''. (''takes off the gnome disguise to reveal his real size'') (''Everyone gasp'') I planned this over a year. And while I've always hid my tiny legs, this finally provided me a way to make them useful. Since Amanda's dislike of pirates was well known, I planted her earring on a victim, hoping to throw suspicion her way. I used my toxin-coated gloves to paralyze all the pirates, but you would not ''quit''. The beautiful part is that because of my--
:'''Sheriff Stone''': I believe the medical term is ''baby legs''.
:'''Gill''': No one would have ever suspected me. That is, until you, meddling, gnome-hating, pirate-loving--
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Yeah, yeah, Shrimpo, we got the picture.
:'''Amanda Littlefoot''': (''annoyed'') All these years, you've looked down on me. Now it turns out I'm actually taller than you. (''hits Gill again with her staff'')
:'''Gill''': Ow!
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Let's go, little footy. (''laughs'')
:'''Mayor Jones''': Boy, I had big plans for him! Thanks for nothing-- again.
:'''Fred''': Anytime, pop.

===Battle of The Humungonauts===
:'''Mayor Jones''': So they didn't show! I don't see why we couldn't just seize the ticket money as evidence. Prancing piccolos, Fred. One of your traps actually worked!
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Greetings, big and hairy space travelers. As a representative of planet Earth, I welcome you.
:'''Velma''': I'm afraid these two aren't space travelers, Sheriff. I'd like to introduce (''unmasks the Green Humungonaut'') Max Minner and (''unmasks the Red Humungonaut'') Jax Minner.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': It's the Minner brothers? They've been taking care of all of Crystal Cove's insurance needs for years.
:'''Mayor Jones''': But how did you know they'd both show up here?
:'''Velma''': All I did was double insure the boat repair shop with a policy from both brothers. You see, each brother was only attacking the places the other brother insured.
:'''Mayor Jones''': But why?
:'''Max''': What do you think? Money.
:'''Jax''': And the fact that we can't stand each other.
:'''Max''': Oh, yeah. That, too.
:'''Jax''': This intense dislike started back when we were circus strongmen. We had just come up with a great idea for our act: The Hercules apes...
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Humongonauts is catchier.
:'''Jax''': When this jerk decides to break up our act and join a rival circus.
:'''Max''': Huh! You were just jealous.
:'''Jax''': We became bitter enemies who, as chance would have it, both went into the insurance business here in Crystal Cove.
:'''Max''': After that, we each focused on the same thing: Destroying each other's business.
:'''Jax''': And it would have worked, too, if it weren't for...
:'''Max and Jax''': My meddling brother! (''look each other'') What? ''Why you?'' (''start fighting'')
:'''Velma''': Mystery solved.

===Howl of The Fright Hound===
:'''Sheriff Stone''': What's going on? I heard what sounded like some sort of hideous, undying machine in here.
:'''Daphne''': We've solved the mystery of the Fright Hound.
:'''Fred''': And your culprit is... (''opens the hood of the mysterious person'')
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma, Daphne and Fred''': Jason's mother of Bendy?
:'''Mrs. Wyatt''': That's right, it was me all along. I saw how you treated my Jason at school. So naturally I did what any mother would do. I built a demonic robot dog to kill you! I framed your little doggy friend to break you up, leaving Jason a clear shot at his true love. But when you showed up and blamed him of all things, I decided to GET RID OF YOU ALL! I gave up a career in military robotics to raise my son, not to watch him get triped on!
:'''Jason''': Now Velma will never want to be my girlfriend. And she would have, too, if it weren't for my meddling mom!
:'''Velma''': I'm sorry, Jason. I should have been clearer with you earlier. But you and me, it's just not gonna happen. But we can still be friends.
:'''Jason''': Really?
:'''Velma''': Yeah. You took that very well.
:'''Jason''': And you touched my knuckle again. Ha ha! (''kisses his fingers'')

===The Secret Serum===
:'''Vampire''': Aaahh! Let me go! I'll drain you all!
:'''Daphne''': Mom! Your vampiring is tearing this family apart! I'm sorry, but you've left me no choice. I'm going to have to stake you.
:'''Vampire''': Wait! I'm not a vampire! I'm-- (''unmasks herself'')
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma, Daphne and Fred''': Sheila Altoonian.
:'''Daphne''': But why?
:'''Sheila''': Isn't it obvious? My looks are starting to fade.
:'''Shaggy''': No. You're gorgeous.
:'''Fred''': No. Your skin is as tight as my ascot.
:'''Sheila''': This is all your mother's fault. We're the same age, but she's so beautiful. She has the skin of a teenager. That's when I realized she must be a vampire. I went to the Dinkley Shop to do a little research and found the recipe for the youth juice. That potion was gonna make me young and beautiful ''forever''. You see, in college I majored in zoology and acrobatics, studying the habits of flying squirrels. I propelled myself into the air with my quad and glute muscles. All this gave me the illusion of a real flying Vampire.
:'''Daphne''': Why didn't you just try maybe wearing a little less makeup? Or a cuter haircut? Or use tape to pull back all your wrinkly sacks of. (''grabs her cheeks with hands'') You know, age gracefully.
:'''Sheila''': Age gracefully? Are you crazy? No, the Vampire serum was my only hope. And I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for you meddling--
:'''Nan Blake''': What's going on here?
:'''Daphne''': Mom!
:'''Sheila''': Even now, she's stealing my moment.
:'''Daphne''': I'm so glad you're not an undead creature of darkness.
:'''Nan Blake''': Thanks, honey.
:'''Daphne''': But what are you doing here? Why have you been sneaking out?
:'''Nan Blake''': I didn't want to say anything, but I've been taking night classes. I'm getting my public notary degree!
:'''Velma''': Oh, how exciting.
:'''Shaggy''': What an opportunity.
:'''Nan Blake''': You know, I may be outrageously gorgeous, but knowledge, knowledge is the key to true beauty. Well, I better get going. I have to figure out what a notary is before tomorrow's final exam. (''laughs'')

===The Shrieking Madness===
:'''Shaggy''': Like, you don't hear many monsters from other dimensions scream for help.
:(''Fred ties the Char Gar Gothakon's mouth with ascot'')
:'''Velma''': This is no monster. (''unmasks Char Gar Gothakon'') It's Howard E. Roberts, Hatecraft's student assistant and biggest fan. Just as I suspected.
:'''Shaggy''': Suspected how?
:'''Velma''': Think about it. We found a book written by Hatecraft, with sentences underlined that smelled like Char Gar Gothakon.
:'''Howard''': Of course it was me. Someone had to defend the Professor against his critics. And what better way than to dress as his greatest creation? Fortunately, I'd taken a class in the military application of sonic shriek technology at the learning annex. Although, in retrospect, it might not have been a good idea to glue real octopus legs to my face.
:'''Everyone''': Ah, so that was the smell!
:'''Velma''': But when Hatecraft admitted he made it up?
:'''Howard''': That's when he had to fall. And he would have, too, if it weren't for the dark elder forces conspiring in the inky black of time most foul! Oh. And you meddling kids.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''The police takes Howard into custody'')
:'''Harlan Ellison''': H.P., are you all right?
:'''Professor Hatecraft''': Harlan. Yes. Just an overeager fan who got carried away.
:'''Harlan Ellison''': Fans. Imbeciles fit only to be gnawed by rabid rats.
:'''Professor Hatecraft''': Yes. Someone could write a book.
:'''Harlan Ellison''': How about, &quot;A boy and his fans&quot;, by Harlan Ellison and H.P. Hatecraft?
:'''Professor Hatecraft''': I was thinking something more along the lines of, &quot;Shavu-ra hatafar, the fan that had no name&quot;.
:'''Harlan Ellison''': Except, uh, you just named it.
:'''Professor Hatecraft''': Don't start with me, Ellison.

===When the Cicada Calls===
:'''Shaggy''': Like, I don't think it's Dr. Yantz!
:'''Velma''': Really? You think?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': Now, get him!
:(''Scooby grabs the Cicada Creature's hat'')
:'''Everyone''': Grandma Moonbeam?
:(''Sheriff Stone, Mayor Jones and the photographer arrive'')
:'''Mayor Jones''': Did we miss it? Where are the bugs?
:'''Fred''': You're the Cicada Creature? But why?
:'''Grandma Moonbeam''': Isn't it obvious? I wanted to shut down Destroido. I found out they added a secret ingredient to make nature slivers more tasty: Landfill waste! I demanded that they return to my original healthy recipe, but they refused, and because they owned it, there was nothing I could DO. I vowed to get even. I saw a Norwegian documentary about a researcher using sound waves to control penguins' movements. I decided to adapt the idea for my revenge. Since I didn't have any penguins, I used cicadas. And I would have succeeded, too, if it hadn't been for you meddling young people.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Well, now, it's the big house for you, grandma. Let's go.
:'''Mayor Jones''': (''sighs'') Why can't anything in this town ever turn out to be real?
:'''Fred''': Glad we could help, dad.
:'''Velma''': Well, another mystery successfully solved.

===Mystery Solvers Club State Finals===
:'''Taffy-Dare''': i was born in 1994 when i was a kid in 1997
:'''Velma''': Look at that. For the time ever, the sidekicks have solved the mystery.
:'''Scooby''': Now, let's see exactly who Lord Infernicus is. (''unmasks the Lord Infernicus'')
:'''Everyone''': The Funky Phantom?!
:'''Mudsy''': That's me, don't you know.
:'''Scooby''': But why?
:'''Mudsy''': I was sick of being a sidekick. Resentful, even. I'm not a real ghost. I'm Jonathan Wellington Muddlemore, actor, thespian, dramatator. I was behind in my rent at the Y, so a friend told me about this clock I could squat in. When they found me and thought I was a ghost, I figured why not. Ghost gig got me 3 hots and a cot, but I got tired of taking a back seat, don't you know. I wanted to headline. I wanted to be the boss. In charge, even. With my own sidekicks. That's when I stumbled upon the mystery solvers state finals. I had workshopped my Lord Infernicus character at various comedy clubs and state fairs around the country. And it has always been a hit. It was a simple matter to use mirrors and a video projector to make myself appear and fly. A little smoke, fireworks, a skeleton puppet identical to my own bone structure for close-up work, a pre-recorded voice, and the deed was done. I even abducted my own cat Boo. The plan was to ship everyone off to Africa, where there is a desperate need for teenage mystery solvers. I then created the ruse with the Guinea pigs; sewing each of their tiny costumes by hand, using the actual vintage fabrics of their real life counterparts just to throw you off track. It was perfect. Genius, even. Until your ridiculous dog started acting like a HERO instead of a SIDEKICK.
:'''Scooby''': (''annoyed'') Ohhh.
:'''Boo the Cat''': You lied to me. Meow! (''attacks Mudsy'')
:'''Shaggy''': Like, Scoob, looks like you and your pals are the heroes of this mystery. Let's hear it for the sidekicks. Hip hip--
:'''Everyone''': Hooray! Hip hip hooray! Hip hip hooray!

===The Wild Brood===
:'''Biker Dude''': Hey, little muffin, how 'bout you and me go for a moonlight ride?
:'''Girl''': No thanks, I'm allergic to the stink of desperation.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Random Spanker Gang Member''': Let's go spank somewhere else!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Oh, Freddie, this is such a romantic setting for our second date.
:'''Fred''': If you say so. All I know is, since my dad owns the place, we get free refills.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Hold it right there, leather-wearing creepy. First section seven forty-one dot B of the Chrystal Cove bylaws; there are no monsters or monster-like creatures allowed in public areas.
:'''Mayor Jones''': Unless tickets are being sold.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Wow, that was very... ''poetical''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Member of The Wild Brood''': Velma, do you believe in love at first sight?
:'''Velma''': In your case... no.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Did you break into the armory and steal a rocket launcher?
:'''Orc''': No.
:'''Daphne''': (''to Fred'') See, I told you, let's go.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Orc''': My gratitude is yours, fair Daph.
:'''Fred''': ''Fair Daph''?! Listen here, ''Tusky'', only I get to call her Daph, and I never say fair!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Orc''': Crazy driving there, Frederick.
:'''Fred''': Thanks. And it's Fred. Unless we're dating, and then it's Freddie.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Okay. Let's see who was trying to give the Wild Brood a bad name.
:(''The Orc unmasks the Impostor Orc'')
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Daphne, Velma and Fred''': Another geek?
:'''The Orcs''': Maxwell?
:'''Shaggy''':  Like, who's Maxwell?
:'''Odnarb''': He works in the copy room at our gaming company. Maxwell, why?
:'''Maxwell''': Why? I'll tell you why. You all thought you were so cool. You never let me join in the beta testing of any of your new video games. No, I was just the lowly copy boy. So I sought my revenge. I made a Wild Brood costume of my own. From that point on, all I had to do was steal a rocket launcher, grab someone to hack the computer to divert the train, reroute said train, board the train from a moving motorcycle, defeat the train's security system, blow up the bridge the train was on, which would cause the Swordfish console to be destroyed in a massive train wreck, ruining your careers and hopefully giving rise to my own in the process. Simple!
:'''Shaggy''': Dude. Seriously?
:'''Maxwell''': Overkill, huh? Well, it might have worked, if it wasn't for you meddling kids. Am I right?
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Daphne, Velma and Fred''': Uh, no.
:'''Velma''': Don't think so.
:'''Shaggy''': Not really.
:(''Maxwell feels sorry'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheriff Stone''': (''puts the Orc mask on Maxwell's face'') And keep that mask on. You geeks freak me out without them. (''drives away with Maxwell arrested'')
:'''Velma''': Don't be so hard on yourself. You tried to do a very brave thing.
:'''Fred''': No, Odnarb was the brave one. He saved us all. Go ahead. Hang with him, Daph.
:'''Odnarb''': We've got to get back to our render farm. But I was thinking... maybe one last ride? I'll let you hold onto my jacket. It's genuine elf thigh.
:'''Daphne''': Oh. No thanks, Od. You're awesome with all your deep thoughts and poetical nobility and stuff. But my heart has always been with Freddy. (''kisses Fred on the cheek'')
:'''Fred''': Yes! In your face, Odnarb, or whoever you are. She digs me. She digs me! SHE DIGS ME!

===Where Aphrodite Walks===
:'''Soccer Player''': Fred missed another match. What he'd get, ''trapped''?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aphrodite''': Run down that mangy mongrel! Run him down with the ''love''! Now!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Professor Pericles''': The antidote to stop Aphrodite has several distinct components: Pewter, found in grout used only in stained glass windows of the eighteenth century. Ectoplasm, or as it's more commonly known, ghost mucus. And finally, rose quartz, mined in the caves beneath Crystal Cove.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Jones''': Silver plated seesaws, Fred, you're not in the love anymore? Then, I'm going to have to let out an unearthly howl and destroy you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': Look, about what happened -
:'''Shaggy''': Yeah, uh, about that...
:'''Velma''': We don't have to -
:'''Shaggy''': No, no way.
:'''Velma''': In fact, I'd prefer -
:'''Shaggy''': Absolutely. My thoughts exactly.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': We've got a great look for everyone!
:'''Shaggy''': Does mine involve wearing a skirt and lipstick?
:'''Daphne''': No...
:'''Shaggy''': Awesome!
:'''Daphne:''': But Scooby's does!
:'''Scooby:''' Not fair!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aphrodite''': I am the goddess of love! Bow at the feet of Aphrodite!
:'''Velma''': I think you mean Amanda. (''unmasks Aphrodite'') Amanda Smythe?
:'''Amanda Smythe''': Oh, you think you're so smart. Do you know how it feels to be humiliated? Me, the smartest and most gifted student in the history of Crystal Cove, laughed at by everyone in this school.
:'''Velma''': Well, actually...
:'''Amanda Smythe''': You know nothing! They had promised me I would be prom queen, but instead they pulled a hideous mask over my face: The face of a monster. They ridiculed me. I left Crystal Cove that night, but I promised that someday I would return. I had always been good at chemistry, so when I stumbled on the formula for an artificial pheromone that could make people lose their minds with love, I knew I would have my revenge.
:'''Daphne''': Why? You're pretty now.
:'''Amanda Smythe''': The scars run deep. I would reclaim the crown that was rightly mine, then I would destroy this town the way it destroyed me. My plan was genius! And I would have succeeded, too, if it wasn't for your olfactory-challenged sidekicks. (''The deputies arrest Amanda'')
:'''Pericles''': I am no one's sidekick.
:'''Scooby''': You said it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shaggy''': Well, Scooby Doo, like, you saved the day.
:'''Scooby''': And Pericles, too.
:'''Daphne''': I guess even a diabolical and criminal bird can change his evil in malevolent ways.
:'''Ed''': (''appears'') Highly doubtful.
:'''Shaggy and Scooby''': (''nervously'') Who--who are you?
:'''Ed''': I am an associate of Mr. E. Pericles left him a message that you should hear. (''plays the recorded tape'')
:'''Pericles''': ''It was I who gave Aphrodite the secret formula. Once that was accomplished, I could go after the real ingredients I needed to find. First, an ancient conquistador's ship manifest. Next, a stone piercing industrial-grade diamond drill bit. And finally, the geological reports from the Darrow Mining Company. Your move, Mr. E.'' (''The tape ends'')
:'''Shaggy''': Okay, can I get a teeny little time-out here? What does any of that stuff have to do with anything?
:'''Ed''': The curse of the haunted treasure, an ancient fortune left behind by the conquistadors that first settled this area. Legend has it that it is buried somewhere deep beneath us, and it now appears that Pericles is on the verge of discovering it. (''Everyone gasp'') And if he does, it could well mean the end of Crystal Cove. (''walks away'')

===Escape from Mystery Manor===
:'''Fred''': Way to go, gang. Who's been served now, huh?
:'''Danny''': I won't deny it, you are a worthy opponent.
:'''Fred''': Gee, thanks. You're not bad yourself.
:'''Danny''': Was that a gage burrow strategy you used back there?
:'''Fred''': You recognized it? You know, I thought at first I'd go with the Orpheus proposition, but I didn't have any milk.
:'''Velma''': (''interrupts Fred'') Excuse me. Sorry to interrupt, but what's the big idea trying to kill us? And what's with this thing?
:'''Danny''': My treasure! I thought you had returned to steal it.
:'''Daphne''': Returned? I think you have us confused with the original Mystery Inc.
:'''Danny''': Say, now that you mention it, you don't look anything like I remember you. Especially that parrot over there.
:'''Scooby''': Thank you.
:'''Danny''': I've made a terrible, terrible mistake. What has become of me? I suppose it started that Halloween night. My family came upon a mysterious artifact, a key to finding the great cursed treasure rumored to lie beneath Crystal Cove. It corrupted us with greed. I had just gotten my hands on it when the earth shook and swallowed our entire house. My loved ones grew old and passed all around me, but I hardly even noticed. Then, those meddling kids showed up. They were after my treasure. I knew it! So I spied on them. And I booby-trapped the whole house in ways that would prey upon their weaknesses. Eh, but they left.
:'''Daphne''': So you've been waiting for them to come back all this time?
:'''Danny''': Truth be told, I kind of lost track. Has it really been that long? How do I look? Haven't let myself go, have I?
:'''Fred''': Uh, no.
:'''Scooby''': You look fine.
:'''Daphne''': I love what you've done with your hair.
:'''Danny''': My whole life has been a waste. (''sits in the chair, dodges the booby-trap arrow launched by crossbow and laughs'') That's one of my earlier models.
:(''The Mansion begins rumbling and collapsing'')
:'''Shaggy''': What's going on?
:'''Danny''': All those traps going off must have awaken the area's fault line. (''falls on the floor broken in half'')
:'''Fred''': Quick, grab my hand!
:'''Danny''': Don't worry about me! (''The gang watches the ceiling breaking outside'') Now's your chance for escape.
:'''Velma''': But your treasure?
:'''Danny''': (''last words'') Keep it! And may it bring you more happiness than it ever brought me. (''The ceiling is still breaking, the light shines outside'') Now, through that crevice before it's too late!
:(''The gang escapes the Mansion collapsed leaving Danny Darrow alone'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': After all that, he saved us.
:'''Velma''': Or did we save him?
:'''Shaggy''': Yeah. Like, he did say this wedge was...
:'''Scooby''': Cursed.
:'''Fred''': Whatever it is, it's our responsibility now. The question is, are there other pieces out there? And if there are, who else is looking for them?
:(''Mayor Jones watches the gang from the car window and drives away'')

===The Dragon's Secret===
:'''Fred''': Ta-da! The Brownberger B-41. It's the trapper's trap.
:'''Mayor Jones''': (''arrives'') Spicy giblet ponies, Fred! Why do you have a geisha tied up in here? You know they belong downtown in Crystal Cove's geisha house of terror.
:'''Fred''': He's not a geisha, dad. He's a wizard. Or at least that's who he's pretending to be...
:(''Velma unmasks White Wizard'')
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Daphne, Velma and Fred''': Mr. Wang?
:'''Scooby''': Big surprise.
:'''Mayor Jones''': What?! Wang?! Why?!
:'''Mr. Wang''': I've searched for the dragon's heart all my life. I tracked it to your silly little town, and it was almost mine. Mine!
:'''Mai Le''': You won't be needing these anymore. (''takes the 4 rings off of Mr. Wang'')
:'''Daphne''': Now it all makes sense. Mr. Wang used his supposed research trip to Crystal Cove as an excuse to hunt for the dragon's heart. When he saw that Mai Le was wearing the fourth dragon ring, he knew he was close. Mr. Wang posed as the evil White Kung Fu Wizard to steal the fourth dragon ring from Mai Le, but Chen pretended to be a Red Wizard in an effort to stop him.
:'''Velma''': After the wizard battle downtown, Mr. Wang came to my house in one last effort to get the ring.
:'''Shaggy''': But how did he make himself fly?
:'''Chen''': Oh, the same way I did, (''takes the White Wizard costume off of Mr. Wang'') jetpack.
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma and Fred''': Oh! Of course.
:'''Daphne''': And the magic lightning bolts?
:'''Velma''': (''shows Mr. Wang's hand'') Homemade Tesla coils. Genius!
:'''Mr. Wang''': It was the perfect plan. That ruby is priceless. I was going to be rich! And I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you--
:'''Fred''': (''masks Mr. Wang with the White Wizard's head'') Save it, Wang. We've heard it all before.
:(''Scooby laughs'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Inside the ship, Mai Le keeps the ruby in secret'')
:'''Mai Le''': Finally mine. So long, Mystery Incorporated.
:(''The ship turns hard left, Mai Le accidentally drops the ruby, Shaggy arrives and catches it'')
:'''Shaggy''': Hello, dude. Or should I say... Mai Le? I went to the airport to see you off, but you weren't on the plane. It was always about the ruby, wasn't it? ''You'' just used us to get Wang out of the way so that you could get the other rings.
:'''Mai Le''': That's right. While you and your idiot friends were explaining Wang's plan, I opened the jade dragon and took the ruby. The dragon's heart belongs to me!
:'''Shaggy''': Fine. Come and get it. (''Mai Le destroys table with her strong fist'') Zoinks!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mai Le''': (''in a Fred's trap'') Let me down, you idiots!
:'''Scooby''': You okay, Shaggy?
:'''Shaggy''': Was everything about you a lie? Like, even us?
:'''Mai Le''': Sorry, dude.
:'''Velma''': He's too good for you, dog issues or no dog issues.
:'''Mai Le''': I still don't know what that means.

===Nightfright===
:(''Daphne unmasks Nightfright'')
:'''Daphne, Velma and Fred''': The production assistant?
:'''Vincent van Ghoul''': No, it's not. It's Argus Fentonpoof, the writer of &quot;Scream, Scream, Time For You to Die.&quot;
:'''Argus''': I'm both. When you pulled out of the movie, they decided not to make it. I went bankrupt. I had to take a job as a production assistant.
:'''Vincent van Ghoul''': But, why have you done this?
:'''Argus''': Well, by scaring you and everyone watching on TV, I was going to prove that Nightfright deserved his own horror movie. Right before you started filming, I hid my Nightfright costume in a closet. I used the conduit to sneak in and put the costume on. I paid the other actors to pretend to be knocked out when I attacked. Of course, I couldn't let anyone know that I was Nightfright. I had to sneak out every now and then, and get everyone coffee.
:'''Harry''': (''arrives'') Hold it right there. I'm Harry Shneste-Boysen, the executive producer of this show. I've been watching the whole thing from my jacuzzi. I'm blown away. (''to Vincent van Ghoul'') Not only is your reality show going to be a surefire hit, (''to Argus'') (''2 deputies handcuff Argus'') but I found your pathetic tale of lost dreams inspiring. It's gonna make a great movie.
:'''Argus''': A movie, about me? Really? Heh. Gee! Uh, you know, none of this would have happened without you meddling kids. Thanks.
:'''Sheriff''': All right, let's go.
:'''Argus''': Bye, everyone! See you on the big screen in 10 to 20 years.
:'''Vincent van Ghoul''': Well, all's well that ends well.

===The Siren's Song===
:'''Dr. Spike''': I would like to see who's been holding me captive all this time. (''unmasks the one Fish Freak'')
:'''Daphne''': Ernesto?
:'''Ernesto''': Hello, comrade Daphne and her fellow comrade mystery-solving teenagers. (''The other 3 Fish Freaks unmask themselves'')
:'''Daphne''': But aren't you against all this anti-environment stuff?
:'''Ernesto''': Funny you should ask. It all started when we were doing a little research into our old foe Destroido. We were going through their trash when we ran across some very interesting information: Dr. Cavanaugh's report on this giant oil deposit off Dead Man's Point. We came up with a plan to make enough money to fund our various protests. We were gonna drill for the oil ourselves and sell it.
:'''Fred''': You were doing this for cash?
:'''Ernesto''': You have no idea how expensive it is to be a grassroots activist! After we found the location of the oil platform, all we had to do was scare off anyone who started nosing into our business. And we would have, too, if that meddling mermaid had kept her fin to herself and never contacted you.
:'''Velma''': Hold on. Are you telling us that you were going to cause a major environmental disaster in order to get the cash to protest against major environmental disasters?
:'''Ernesto''': Yes! You must be willing to kill the environment to save it.
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma, Daphne and Fred''': Uhh... no. I don't think that's right.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': Hey, you're not a mermaid!
:'''Dr. Spike''': Allow me to introduce my lovely wife Amy Cavanaugh, ordinary human and professional Commercial jingle singer.
:'''Fred''': That explains why your eerily beautiful singing voice made me want to put on deodorant!
:(''Velma is disappointed'')
:'''Amy''': Velma...
:'''Velma''': You lied to me. You acted like you were my friend, and I believed you. 
:'''Amy''': I'm sorry. I came up with the mermaid character out of desperation. I'd gone to the police to report that my husband had been kidnapped by Fish Freaks, but they just laughed at me, then asked for directions to the oil platform so they could add it as a stop to on the Crystal Cove Mystery Tour. I thought that if I could make it sound like one of your mysteries, you'd help me rescue my husband. And you did.
:'''Velma''': How do you even know about us?
:'''Amy''': I read your blog. I'm a fan.
:'''Velma''': Does that mean you're going to stay in touch?
:'''Amy''': If you'd like to me to.
:'''Velma''': Well... whatever. It's your decision. But I wouldn't mind if you did. As far as helping, it's what we do. Our friend Angel also deserves a lot of credit. She knew about Destroido's involvement from some old newspaper articles. That's how we made the connection.
:'''Amy''': Newspaper articles? That's strange. Destroido covered the whole thing up. The papers never even knew about it.
:'''Velma''': Hmm.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In K-Ghoul, Angel Dynamite looks at the LP and Velma appears behind'')
:'''Angel''': Lordy, Velma! Baby, you just about scared me out of my skin-tight leather foxy pants. What's with all the sneaking around?
:'''Velma''': You tell me.
:'''Angel''': What's that supposed to mean?
:'''Velma''': For the short amount of time that you've been in Crystal Cove, you sure know a lot about this town's mystery history.
:'''Angel''': Well, I'm just curious by nature. Remember the heebedy-jeebedies?
:'''Velma''': Stop. One of my big problems, on a list that's long and distinguished, is that despite my skeptical nature, I trust people. I want to see the best in them. Unfortunately, they usually let me down. Things have been adding up for me, Angel. The help you gave us on this oil platform mystery, the diary you provided for the Mystery Manor case; stuff that you shouldn't know and shouldn't have had, no matter what the heebedy-jeebedy.
:'''Angel''': What are you saying?
:'''Velma''': I'm saying Angel Dynamite isn't your real name. I think your real name is Cassidy Williams, and you're one of the members of the original Mystery Incorporated that vanished in the caves beneath Crystal Cove. Tell me I'm wrong... friend.

===Menace of the Manticore===
:(''Angel Dynamite enters the Mr. E's lair'')
:'''Angel''': The Mystery, Inc. kids have found a piece of the Planispheric Disk.
:'''Mr. E''': So now, we know where 2 of the pieces are. Good work, Angel.
:'''Angel''': Just remember, I'm working with you, not for you, E. I'm worried about those kids.
:'''Mr. E''': Why?
:'''Angel''': Pericles is loose, and that nutso parrot might go after the piece, which puts them in danger, and us, if the former members of our club get wind of it.
:'''Mr. E''': Don't worry, little Angel. The other 2 won't move a muscle as long as Fred Jones is still alive.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Look at that! Are Manticores double-jointed?
:'''Velma''': This is no Manticore, Daphne. This is... (''unmasks the Manticore'')
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Daphne and Fred''': Hot Dog Water?
:'''Velma''': Just as I suspected. It totally makes sense when you put the clues together. Someone with computer skills had to make that fake website, and Hot Dog Water has those skills. And remember, just before the Manticore attacked, I smelled something familiar. It was briny, greasy hot dog water. (''to Hot Dog Water'') But what I don't know is why Shaggy and Scooby had such high voices after you attacked them before, or why you'd want this amusement park to close so badly.
:'''Hot Dog Water''': How could you know? Your intellect is so far inferior to mine. (''takes off the Manticore's outfit'') It all started on a boring Friday night when I didn't have a date.
:'''Velma''': Hard to imagine.
:'''Hot Dog Water''': I decided to run some experiments on the steel used to build the park's rides. I found that if you melted the steel down and combined it with chromium, stalagmite, and mercury phosphate, it created a kind of super helium. Shaggy and Scooby must have inhaled some helium gas from the Manticore's posterior relief hole. That's why their voices were so high. I figured if I could get the park to close, I could take all the steel, melt it down, and sell the super helium to the Australian zeppelin fleet. I'd have made a fortune and shown you up in the process, Velma.
:(''Sheriff arrests Hot Dog Water'')
:'''Daphne''': Another mystery solved.
:'''Fred''': It still seems like something's missing.
:(''The Fortune Telling Machine prints the fortune'')
:'''Hot Dog Water''': (''reads'') &quot;Meddling kids and their dog will foil your plan.&quot;
:'''Fred''': Yep. That would be it.
:(''Sheriff drives away'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angel''': I know who has the Planispheric Disk piece, but not where.
:'''Mr. E''': Speak.
:'''Angel''': I put a bug on Velma when I saw her earlier. She didn't suspect a thing. Later, I heard Fred tell her that Shaggy and Scooby have the piece. But he didn't say anything more than that.
:'''Mr. E''': He told Velma and us enough. Everything will work out just fine. You see, Scooby is a far more trusting companion than Pericles was to me.

===Attack of the Headless Horror===
:(''Sheriff Stone arrives with Cachinga in the police car'')
:'''Sheriff Stone''': What in the name of kettle corn is going on? I thought you said he (Cachinga) was the creature.
:'''Daphne''': Sorry we had to trick you, Sheriff, but we needed everyone to believe it was Cachinga (''Fred deactivates the trap'') so we could set a trap for the person who's really behind this.
:(''Fred unmasks the Headless Horror'')
:'''Headless Horror/Marion''': (''gasps'')
:'''Rick Spartan''': Marion!
:'''Sheriff Stone''': But how did you know that she'd attack? I don't get that!
:'''Fred''': We knew that if Dr. Spartan found out that the curse was fake he'd want to go back to living a life of adventure in the jungle.
:'''Velma''': A life she definitely didn't want.
:'''Marion''': (''annoyed'') Fine. I admit it.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Well, you kind of have to. We caught you in the costume. But how--how did you know it was her?
:'''Fred''': We found this ring at the botanical gardens. A woman's ring. (''to Marion'') You went to Oxford, too, didn't you?
:'''Marion''': Yes. (''puts the ring on her finger'')
:'''Rick Spartan''': But, Marion, why did you do it?
:'''Marion''': Because I love you! Because I hate living in the jungle. It's icky. I decided if I couldn't convince you to give up that life, I'd scare you out of it. I came up with the fake legend of Sklar Gringat. I forged an ancient map to the ruins and put it someplace you'd find it. I knew you wouldn't be able to resist the challenge. You would be so consumed with finding your next great treasure, you wouldn't be thinking of me, as usual. I pretended to break my ankle because I knew you'd send Cachinga for help and go up into the ruins by yourself. And when you did, my plan fell into place. It gave me a chance to sneak around the back of the ruins, which were actually an old abandoned movie set. The Headless Horror costume was the final piece of the puzzle. I had it specially designed and took months of pilates to train my abdominal muscles to the point where I could control the mouth with my abs.
:'''Rick Spartan''': But the shrunken head... It talked to me.
:'''Marion''': I got it at a Halloween store. You can record whatever you want it to say. I'm sorry, darling. I never meant to hurt you. I just wanted us to live a normal life. Which we could have if it weren't for those meddling sycophants. Can you ever forgive me?
:'''Rick Spartan''': Sure, I do, baby. I know I'm not the easiest guy to live with. You were just trying to get through to me. Don't worry, we'll work it out. (''He and Marion kiss'') Sheriff, I don't want to press any charges.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Yeah, I, uh, figured.
:'''Rick Spartan''': Take me back to my room?
:'''Marion''': Anything.
:'''Rick Spartan''': Cachinga, come.
:'''Cachinga''': (''leaves the police car with the spear'') Thank you. It's been lovely.

===A Haunting in Crystal Cove===
:'''Shadowy Figure''': Oof. Eahhh! Wood gets older than kindle!
:'''Scooby''': Nice to see you again... (''unmasks the Shadowy Figure'')
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Daphne, Velma and Fred''': Professor Pericles.
:'''Pericles''': Well, hello, children. How did you know?
:'''Velma''': Simple. There's only one brain large enough, beside my own, that could have pulled this off. We found the trojan horse program you put on Fred's laptop that let you control all of Fred's traps remotely.
:'''Pericles''': Fred really should have come up with a more secure password than &quot;trappin' guy&quot;.
:'''Shaggy''': Once you had control of the traps, it was like totally simple to simulate a haunting and terrify the Mayor.
:'''Velma''': And your avian attributes provided the means to make your spooky shadow creep float like a real ghost.
:'''Daphne''': Too bad for you your avian diet gave you away.
:'''Pericles''': Oh, what can I say? A bird's got to eat.
:'''Fred''': It still doesn't explain where my dad is, and why you were haunting him.
:'''Pericles''': Why do you think? I wanted his piece of the Planispheric Disk, of course. I knew he would have it close. I just didn't know where. So I decided to scare it out of him.
:'''Fred''': (''looks at the mysterious piece'') Planispheric Disk? (''to Pericles'') But how did you know he had it in the first place?
:'''Pericles''': Because, dear friend, he stole it from me a long time ago. (''the gang is confused'') Don't believe me? Ask him yourself. (''takes off the Shadowy Figure costume and pushes the remote control's button that changes the stairs to slide, Fred unhands the piece of the Planispheric Disk and the gang falls down to the basement'') (''takes the piece #1 of the Planispheric Disk'') I am the smartest criminal parrot in the world! You didn't think I have a back-up plan? (''laughs'') Until we meet again. ''Auf wiedersehen'', Mystery Incorporated. (''flies away'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Scooby''': Did you know we were standing on a trap?
:'''Fred''': (''grabs Daphne'') Honestly, there's so many in this house, I've kinda lost track.
:(''The gang hears a man trapped in a sheet'')
:'''Shaggy''': Zoinks! Another ghost!
:'''Fred''': Dad! (''releases Daphne and uncovers the sheet'') You're okay!
:'''Mayor Jones''': Dimpled puppet eggs, Fred! I am clearly not okay. Untie me.
:'''Fred''': (''unties his dad'') Dad, the house wasn't haunted at all. It was Professor Pericles.
:'''Mayor Jones''': Pericles? Are you sure? Did he get the--?
:'''Daphne''': Planispheric Disk? Yeah. He said you stole it from him.
:'''Mayor Jones''': That's... that's absurd! We confiscated it off him years ago, when we locked him up. I've felt it was best to keep it here, safe. That's why I went back in for it.
:'''Velma''': Mayor Jones, why would Professor Pericles want that piece of the Disk so badly?
:'''Mayor Jones''': Oof! Ha! Ha! How should I know? Are you kids trying to imply something? Because if you are--
:'''Fred''': No, no, dad. We're just all really happy you're okay. That's what's important, right, gang? This mystery is over. (''hugs Mayor Jones'')
:'''Daphne''': I'm not sure this mystery is over at all.

===Dead Justice===
:'''Velma''': Time to reveal who Dead Justice really is. (''unmasks Dead Justice'')
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma, Daphne and Fred''': Deputy Bucky?
:'''Sheriff Stone''': What? Bucky, you were like a father to me!
:'''Bucky''': You're 20 years older than me!
:'''Sheriff Stone''': There's no proof of that. Why'd you do it?
:'''Velma''': Sheriff, I think we can explain.
:'''Daphne''': Bucky was tired of being just a deputy. He craved the power and prestige of the Sheriff's office.
:'''Fred''': Bucky failed every one of his promotion exams. But it wasn't just his grades that got me thinking.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, Bucky's a doodler, and his drawings looked an awful lot like Dead Justice's demon bullets.
:'''Velma''': Bucky disguised himself as the Ghost of Dead Justice and chased down the town's most wanted.
:'''Daphne''': He knew nothing would hurt Sheriff Stone more than losing his job to his hero.
:'''Fred''': The only thing I don't understand is how he created those bullets.
:'''Bucky''': CGI. It's all CGI these days. I programmed a laser pointer to simulate the animation.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Much as I hate to admit it, I owe you kids one. (''Fred puts his hand on Sheriff's shoulder but he lets it go'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Jones''': (''gives an award to Sheriff Stone'') People of Crystal Cove, there's a new old new Sheriff in town.
:(''The crowd cheers and applauds'')
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Thanks, Mayor Jones. And... Thanks for giving me a raise.
:'''Mayor Jones''': Raise? What raise? An hour ago, your job was free. Don't think I won't find another undead lawman if I have to.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': (''laughs'') You're joking, right?
:'''Fred''': You know, dad, Bucky would have gotten away with it if it hadn't have been for us meddling kids. Maybe a little thank you might be, uh...
:'''Mayor Jones''': Uh, that's great, Fred. Listen, I'm late for a work meeting. (''leaves'')
:'''Fred''': But work's that way. (''Daphne arrives'') Why do I even bother?
:'''Daphne''': (''accompanies Fred'') He cares, Fred, in his own way.

===Pawn of Shadows===
:'''Professor Hatecraft''': Now, Regina, time to come clean and reveal that you're-- (''unmasks The Obliteratrix'')
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Daphne, Velma and Fred''': Alice May?
:'''Professor Hatecraft''': Who's Alice May?
:'''Daphne''': She once pretended to be a Ghost Girl to kidnap Fred for her man posse because she wanted revenge for her father, the Creeper.
:'''Shaggy''': But, like, how did you get out of jail?
:'''Alice May''': I got out with the help of the same person who sent me to destroy you... Mr. E!
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Daphne, Velma and Fred''': Huh?
:'''Angel Dynamite''': Huh?
:'''Alice May''': E enlisted my services to put you kids in danger in hopes of drawing out his enemy, Professor Pericles. He figured if Pericles thought you were in trouble, he'd come to your rescue. E knew if he could get Pericles to reveal himself, it'd leave his piece of the Planispheric Disk vulnerable. Everything was fake. Special effects.
:'''Shaggy''': But, like, where'd you get all the high-tech stuff? How'd you disappear?
:'''Alice May''': E took care of that. It was all courtesy of one of Destroido's shell corporations: Quest Research Laboratories. They supplied me with everything I needed: Weapons, a high-tech cloaking device, even the effects.
:'''Angel Dynamite''': (''handcuffs Alice'') So this was all staged by Mr. E to use the kids as parrot bait.
:'''Alice May''': That's right. And it would have worked, too, if I hadn't been stopped by you, Miss meddling sassy pants!
(''Next scene in the police car with Sheriff Stone and Alice May arrested'')
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Wait, so are you telling me that you escaped from prison months ago, and I never noticed? (''laughs'') I don't think so. (''drives away'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': Well, gang, another mystery solved.
:'''Daphne''': I just wish we could have done something about your job, Professor Hatecraft.
:'''Dean''': (''arrives with car'') H.P.? Yoo-hoo! Oh, there you are, you dear man.
:'''Professor Hatecraft''': Don't worry, Dean Fenk. I'm on my way to clean out my office now.
:'''Dean''': Clean out your office? Oh, never. Heh! Haven't you heard the wonderful news? The song &quot;Char Gar Gothakon&quot;, based on your novel, is a huge hit in Japan. And since Darrow College published the book, we're gonna make a fortune! (''Professor Hatecraft is amazingly surprised'') Now, I'm giving you Regina's old office Vampire books are so done and I'm having the dusk mobile repainted. (''she and Professor Hatecraft drive away'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': Well, Angel, it looks like we owe you one.
:'''Scooby''': Yeah. You saved our tails.
:'''Daphne''': How'd you know where we were?
:'''Velma''': It's time, Angel. I can't keep this secret anymore.
:'''Angel Dynamite''': I wanted to tell you kids earlier, but I was afraid. 
:'''Scooby''': Afraid of what? 
:'''Angel Dynamite''': Of telling you the truth. My real name isn't Angel Dynamite. It's Cassidy Williams. I'm one of the original members of Mystery Incorporated that disappeared.
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Daphne and Fred''': What?
:'''Angel Dynamite/Cassidy''': It was all an accident. We should have never been in that condemned church. But Brad said he'd seen someone coming and going at night, and he wanted to investigate. We thought we'd found a treasure map, but it wasn't treasure; it was a threat, to not just our lives but the lives of our families. The thing in those caves forced us to leave Crystal Cove, or those who loved us would pay the price.
:(''Shaggy and Scooby are terrified'')
:'''Shaggy''': L-l-like, who threatened you?
:'''Angel Dynamite/Cassidy''': He called himself the Freak. The Freak of Crystal Cove. There, now you know the truth. That's what happened to the original Mystery Incorporated, and it will happen to all of you if you don't stop! Forget about the Planispheric Disk. Give Pericles your piece, or Mr. E. I don't care. The mystery is over. Let it end tonight!
:'''Fred''': You lied to us, Angel. You've been lying to us from the beginning. Why should we listen to anything you have to say to us now? This mystery isn't over until we say it's over. Come on, gang.
:'''Angel Dynamite/Cassidy''': No. No, you don't understand. He's still out there. (''The gang drives away'') The Freak is still out there!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Freak''': The curse begun, but soon they'll see, the buried truth will end with me. (''laughs'')

===All Fear the Freak===
:'''Pericles''': Hello, Ed Machine.
:'''Ed''': What are you doing here?
:'''Pericles''': I'd like you to deliver a message to Ricky. Or should I call him ''Mr. E''?
:'''Ed''': (''last words'') Say what you want to say Pericles, then get out of my house.
:'''Pericles''': (''chuckles'') Dear Ed, you misunderstand. I don't want to say ''anything''. (''attacks Ed Machine in the dark'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''The gang arrives at an old ruined church'')
:'''Fred''': This is where the mystery started, gang. And tonight, this is where it ends.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nan''': ''[gasps] [Barty: Unh!] [Points Mayor Jones and grabs Daphne and takes Daphne home]'' This is your fault, mystery incorporated is over.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheriff Stone''': What have you kids done now? First I get a hysterical call from the Rogers saying Scooby and Shaggy jumped out the window during still life night. And then other parents start phoning, saying that their kids have disappeared. And then Angel calls me all frantic about-- Who is this guy?
:'''Fred''': I'll tell you who he is, Sheriff. The Freak of Crystal Cove... (''unmasks the Freak'') is my father.
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Daphne and Velma''': Mayor Jones?
:'''Sheriff Stone''': (''gasps'') But...?
:'''Mayor Jones''': How did you know?
:'''Fred''': When I found out both pictures of my mother were just cut-outs from a magazine, I checked the dates on the back. It was the same day I was born, or what you said was the same day I was born. Still, I wasn't sure. Not until now. Why?
:'''Mayor Jones''': Why do you think? Because of the curse. For years I'd heard about the curse and the supposed haunted treasure. That was the reason I came to Crystal Cove. I'd been accepted to Darrow University's history department, which gave me access to the town archives. When I found the story about the conquistadors that disappeared, I decided to disguise myself and begin my search for the Planispheric Disk. Sadly, I found nothing. Until Mystery Incorporated walked into the library seeking advice. They had no idea what they'd found. Well, that wasn't true. Actually, their mascot knew. For access to my knowledge, Pericles was willing to betray his friends. We concocted a scheme to blackmail the kids into leaving town by threatening them with fabricated documents implicating their parents in various crimes. They were unaware of my true identity, but I still had one loose end. Pericles had to go. I placed an anonymous call to the police implicating him in the kids' disappearance. By the time, Pericles woke, he was already in custody. He was sentenced to spend the rest of his miserable parrot life where he belonged... in a cage. Becoming mayor allowed me to continue my search for the remaining pieces. And I would have found them, too, if it weren't for you, my meddling-- Fred.
:'''Fred''': That still doesn't explain what happened to my mother. I wanna know where she is.
:'''Mayor Jones''': The truth is, I don't know. I assume she's still with Brad Chiles.
:'''Daphne''': Wait, are you saying that Judy Reeves is Fred's mother? But that would mean...
:'''Mayor Jones''': Brad Chiles is your real father. (''Fred is shocked'') Two years after they left, Brad tried to return to Crystal Cove. By that time, he and Judy had married and she'd given birth to a baby boy. I had to stop Brad. I took you and told him you'd be safe, as long as they never returned again.
:'''Fred''': All this for a treasure no one's even sure exists? Where's the piece?
:'''Mayor Jones''': Fred, you're still my son. I raised you.
:'''Fred''': You used me. Where'd you hide it? In your pocket? (''tries to search the piece in his pocket but it's empty'')
:'''Mayor Jones''':  It's gone? We have to find it. That piece is priceless. Fred! (''Fred puts Mayor Jones down'') Uhh. Fred! (''Fred runs away and Daphne follows him'')
:'''Sheriff Stone''': (''sobbing'') Tell me this isn't true.
:'''Daphne''': Fred, I'm sorry. You'll get through this.
:'''Fred''': My whole life has been a lie, Daphne. I have parents I've never known.
:'''Daphne''': We'll find them. Together.
:'''Fred''': No. I need to do this on my own. I'm sorry, Daphne, the engagement is off. I'm leaving Crystal Cove, and I'm leaving tonight, and do nothing.
:'''Daphne''': But what about us? Mystery Incorporated?
:'''Fred''': This is Velma's fault, Scooby is not getting farm anymore.
:'''Shaggy''': But...
:'''Fred''': ''[points Nan]'' You're fired. You're Shaggy is not getting soldier general anymore. Mystery Incorporated is dead. (''walks away'')
:'''Nan''': You can't fired me, I quit!
:'''Daphne''': Shaggy, Scooby, do something.
:'''Shaggy''': Freddy. (''his parents stop him and Scooby'') Oh, mom, dad. Like, what gives?
:'''Paula Rogers''': Norville, your father and I have given this a lot of thought, and we feel it best you go away for a while.
:'''Shaggy''': What? Go away?! Like, where?
:'''Colton Rogers''': Farmsdale Military Academy.
:'''Paula Rogers''': And don't worry about Scooby. We found him a nice farm to live on.
:'''Scooby''': (''shocked'') Farm?!
:'''Shaggy''': Huh?!
:'''Velma''': ''[Daphne sobbin']'' It'll be okay, Daph. Fred will come back.
:'''Daphne''': (''crying'') Didn't you hear him? Mystery Incorporated is dead. If you had just told us about Angel sooner, this never would have happened. (''walks away'')
:(''Velma's parents take her in the car'')
:'''Shaggy''': Well, like, dudes, I can't go to military school. I'm an eater, not a fighter.
:'''Pericles''': What an amusing turn of events.
:'''Scooby''': (''yelps'') Pericles!
:'''Pericles''': Don't be afraid, Scooby. I've no reason to hurt you. (''holds up piece'') I have what I came for. (''chuckles'')
:'''Scooby''': The mayor's piece! ''You'' have it!
:'''Pericles''': Two down, four to go. (''opens car window'') Until we meet again, ''auf wiedersehn'', Scooby-Doo. (''laughs and flies away'')
:'''Scooby''': I'll get the gang back together, Pericles. We'll be coming for you, or my name isn't Scooby-Dooby-Doo!

== Season 2 ==

===The Night the Clown Cried===
:'''Crybaby Clown''': You all know me. You know how I earn a living. I'm a bad clown. Stopping me ain't going to be easy. There's no string and a net to catching me like Mano Tiki Tia or Redbeard's ghost. This Crybaby Clown swallow your town whole. (''chuckles'') You want your tourism back? You're gonna pay me $5 million. For that, you get the pacifier, the rattle, the whole darn clown. So what's it going to be? Me, or Mystery Incorporated?
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Well, it sounds like a good deal to me. I'll start passing the hat. So long, mystery goofs.
:'''Scooby''': Hold on, Clown! That is our town.
:'''Shaggy''': (''chuckles nervously'') That's right! And we don't need money to protect it. Although it would be nice-- (''Velma hits him with elbow'') Ow!
:'''Velma''': Freddy, I think it's trapping time.
:'''Fred''': Right, Velma! And I know the perfect g-- the perfect-- ah-- I-- guh!
:'''Mayor Nettles''': What's wrong?
:'''Fred''': I-- my trapping knowledge! It's gone! My mind is-- is empty!
:'''Crybaby Clown''': Wahh wahh. So tragic. Oh, well, I offered. (''The door closes abruptly and the lights are shut off'') Time's up, Crystal Cove.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crybaby Clown''': Aww, this makes me think you don't like me. Wahh wahh! And by the way, building your little donut shop trap next to a fireworks store might not have been the best idea. See ya soon, Mystery Incorporated! (''throws the baby bottle bomb in the fireworks store to explode. Crybaby Clown drives away'')
:'''Velma''': Run!
:'''Fred''': Daphne!
:'''Velma''': Isn't coming!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''':  Well, I think it's safe to say, if the town didn't hate us before. This should certainly do the trick.
:(''Fred feels disappointed'')
:'''Scooby''': Freddy? Are you okay?
:'''Fred''': No, Scoob, I'm not. My trap failed, and for the first time, the bad guy got away. And it's my fault.
:'''Shaggy''': We're all responsible, Fred. We're a team, remember?
:'''Fred''': That's just it, Shaggy. We're not a team. Not without Daphne. And now I know... she's never coming back.

===The House of the Nightmare Witch===
:(''Sheriff Stone handcuffs Baba Yaga'')
:'''Fred''': And now, let's see who Baba Yaga really is. (''unmasks Baba Yaga'')
:'''Everyone''': Curator Vronsky?
:'''Velma''': Exactly. He was using Baba Yaga's house to smuggle stolen Fabergé eggs into the country.
:'''Curator Vronsky''': That's right. I was going to sell them on the black market. Finally, I was to be a rich capitalist with all my loot. I had it planned ''perfectly''. Before becoming a museum curator, I spent many years in Spetsnaz, Soviet Special Forces. This allowed me to make modifications on the house using what I could find on the ship. I even put a remote control in my walking stick to move the house. I needed to get assistant curator Anna Arkadyevna out of the way before she became suspicious of my plan. I tied her up and kept her prisoner in the house while I donned the Baba Yaga costume and used the voice modulator to frighten away the curious. But, when one of the eggs was damaged, I had to alter the plan. But you ''brats'' kept interrupting my repair of the legs. I could not leave any of my precious eggs behind. There were too many. I needed the house to carry them all. And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for you decadent bourgeoisie teenagers and your slobbering, democracy-loving dog!
:'''Anna''': I had my suspicions of Vronsky all along. That is why I came with him. Thank you for saving the Fabergé eggs, our national treasure.

===The Night the Clown Cried II: Tears of Doom!===
:'''Fred''': And now let's see who Crybaby Clown really is. (''unmasks the Crybaby Clown'')
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma, Daphne, Hot Dog Water and Fred''': Baylor Hotner!
:'''Baylor Hotner''': That's right-''ner''. Actor, humanitarian, guy with amazingly super awesome abs. I came here to Crystal Cove to research the part of a crazed clown for my upcoming blockbuster movie, &quot;The Night the Clown Cried&quot;. It was gonna be my ''Oscar''. Using my knowledge of Hollywood makeup and effects and a trick buggy I stole from the back lot, I honed my crazed clown performance to perfection. Then, I built my entourage: a therapist, a hairdresser, a plastic surgeon, and a publicist. Everything I needed to be a great actor. Of course, I put tracking chips in all of them because you have to know where your posse is at all times. I even had an innocent small-town girl that would make me look like the nicest guy. I had it all! And I would have been the world's greatest Hollywood thespian, too, if it hadn't have been for you small-town scene stealers.
:'''Daphne''': (''slaps Baylor'') Small-town that, Baylor Hotner. These are my friends. Take him away, Sheriff.
:(''Sheriff Stone arrests Baylor'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Thanks, guys. You, uh, really saved me.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, you're one of us.
:'''Fred''': Um, you know, Daphne, you could come back to me... to the gang, I mean.
:'''Daphne''': Really? I'd like that. Very much.
:'''Scooby''': (''hugs Daphne'') Hooray! Daphne's back. Group hug. (''Fred, Velma, and Shaggy hug Daphne'') Scooby-Dooby-Doo! And Daphne, too. (''laughs'')

===Web of the Dreamweaver!===
:'''Shaggy''': Hey, gang, look at this. (''shows the newspaper to the gang'') Last night Horbert Feist, prominent banker, drove his car at high speed into the Crystal Cove bank.
:'''Scooby''': Why would he do that?
:'''Daphne''': I don't know and I don't care, but a mystery is just the thing we need now to wipe away our skull-crushing guilt.
:'''Fred''': I'm in. Velma?
:'''Velma''': (''a bit sad'') Sure, I could use a little soul cleansing right about now.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': (''imprisones Horbert Feist'') Horbert Feist, I must advise you not to say anything until your lawyer arrives. And don't say anything then, either!
:(''The gang arrives'')
:'''Fred''': Hi, Sheriff Stone.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': What are you kids doing here?
:'''Daphne''': We've come to ask what you know about Mr. Feist.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': What? Look, who said I knew him? I've never seen him before in my life. (''The gang is confused'') All I know is he's a thief, and he belongs behind bars.
:'''Shaggy''': A thief? Papers didn't say anything about that. What'd he steal?
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Nothing I could find, but you don't need to steal something to be a thief.
:'''Horbert''': Come on, Bronson. You've known me for years! We grew up together. You know I'd never steal anything.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': (''singing and covering his ears'') La la la, la la la, can't hear you, la la la la. (''leaves'')
:'''Fred''': Mr. Feist, can you tell us what happened last night?
:'''Horbert''': Everything was normal. I was asleep, and then I had this terrible dream.
::(''In the dream world, which is a labyrinth based on Escher's House of Stairs, Horbert runs in fear trying to escape from the Dreamweaver until he finds him carrying a glowing purple orb'')
::'''Dreamweaver''': I've come for you, Horbert. (''Horbert runs to the other side but the Dreamweaver appeared on the other side'') Breath of frost. (''uses the purple orb to attack Horbert making him paralyzed'') (''to Horbert's ear'') Level 99.
:'''Horbert''': And the next thing I knew, I was driving my car into the bank.
:'''Shaggy''': That's the weirdest dream I've ever heard, and I've had some pretty weird dreams.
:'''Horbert''': I loved that car... more than my own children! And now it's gone. Gone! (''sobs'')
:'''Velma''': Feist's alibi is pretty weak, and that dream... What does level 99 mean?
:'''Shaggy''': How would I know? Oh. (''whimpers'')
:(''In the dream world, Francilee Jackson runs in fear trying to escape from the Dreamweaver until she finds him'')
:'''Dreamweaver''': No one can escape, Francilee. (''uses the purple orb to shine with lightning and the rope gets out of it'') Ropes of binding!
::'''Francilee''': (''runs to the other side'') No! It can't be! You can't be back! (''The rope catches Francilee'') Please. Please. This can't be happening!
:'''Dreamweaver''': (''to Francilee's ear'') Twenty-sided dice.
:(''The Dreamweaver laughs maniacally and Francilee screams in horror'')
:(''In Francilee's tv show &quot;The Francilee Show&quot;, the audience is applauding'')
:'''Francilee''': Now, no meal is complete without cornbread stuffing. And the best cornbread stuffing in the world is Francilee's Cornbread Stuffing! (''the audience applauds again'') Made from my little ol' super secret family recipe handed down through generations. And the super secret about Francilee's Cornbread Stuffing is there ain't even no corn in it! (''The audience gasps'') Oh, my goodness, why did I say that? (''starts sleeping'')
:(''The screen is shut off by Sheriff Stone, revealing the tv screen in the next scene'')
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Lying about there being corn in your cornbread stuffin'-- that's what we in the sheriffing world call fraud! I think.
:'''Francilee''': (''in the prison cell'') Oh, Bronson, how can you do this to little ol' me? We've known each other since we was chillun!
:'''Sheriff Stone''': What?! I've never seen your face before in my life!
:'''Daphne''': But it's on the box in your hand.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': What box? (''hides the box in his back'') What hand? (''The gang tries to look the box in Sheriff Stone's Back'') I--I have to go now to destroy this very tasty evidence.
:'''Scooby''': Uh, we'll help!
:'''Daphne''': Mrs. Jackson, tell us what happened.
:'''Francilee''': It's a mystery. Took me a nap this afternoon, and I had this frightful dream! When I woke up, I was on the TV, and everyone knew my recipe! I loved that secret stuffin' recipe more than my own chillun, and now it's ruined! (''sobs hardly'')
:'''Velma''': Did your dream by any chance involve a labyrinth, spells, a purple orb, and a mysterious inhuman mage?
:'''Francilee''': Yes, exactly!
:'''Fred''': Did the pointy-eared freakwad say anything?
:'''Francilee''': Yes, he said, &quot;twenty-sided dice.&quot;
:(''Shaggy whimpers and Sheriff Stone is a bit shocked'')
:'''Francilee''': First Horbert, now me? I don't know who all's doing this, but I know who all will be next: Melvin Keisterbaum.
:'''Daphne''': Melvin Keisterbaum?
:(''Daphne drives the Mystery Machine'')
:'''Daphne''': Mr. Keisterbaum lives in the big house next-door to my parents. We have to warn him! (''The gang arrives at Melvin's big house'') We're here. (''knocks the door'') Mr. Keisterbaum? Hello? Guess he's not home.
:(''The gang leaves the mansion, in a moment an explosion appears in it, the gang falls down to the ground'')
:'''Fred''': (''lifts Daphne'') Daph? Unh.
:'''Daphne''': Thanks, Fred.
:'''Fred''': No probs, Daph. It's what anyone who's just a friend would do for anyone else who's just a friend.
:(''Daphne smiles and Velma finds a broken light bulb'')
:'''Velma''': Hmm. What's this? A broken light bulb? Never seen one like this before.
:'''Melvin''': (''arrives'') My mansion! My beautiful mansion! I loved that mansion more than my own children... if I had any.
:'''Daphne''': Mr. Keisterbaum, what happened?
:'''Melvin''': Who knows? One moment I'm asleep on the couch, the next I'm standing in the garden with an empty canister of napalm.
:'''Daphne''': Did you have any dreams?
:'''Melvin''': Yes! I was in a labyrinth, and there were spells, a strange glowing orb, and a terrible monster! He was saying one word over and over: &quot;Dreamweaver. Dreamweaver!&quot;
:'''Velma''': Level 99, twenty-sided dice, Dreamweaver. What's the connection?
:'''Shaggy''': Like, what are you asking me for? Do I look like the kind of nerd that plays Crypts and Creatures?
:'''Fred''': Crypts and Creatures? Isn't that the nerdy fantasy role-playing game that nerdy nerds play?
:'''Shaggy''': Like, it--um--I... OK, fine. Like, yeah. I was a closet C&amp;C player. I used to roll the dice every night.
::(''Flashback starts, in Shaggy's bedroom'')
::'''Shaggy''': (''playing Crypts and Creatures with dice'') Come on, saving throw. Shagdolf needs a new pair of +5 forks of feasting.
::'''Paula Rogers''': (''outside the room door, knocking on it'') Norville? What are you doing in there? Norville?
::'''Shaggy''': Mom! Like, no, mom! No! Don't come in! Please don't come in!
::(''Next, in the school with Emmanuel'')
:'''Shaggy''': (''narrates'') ''Then, one day, I thought my science teacher was a bugbear, and I smote him with a magic missile.''
::'''Shaggy''': I smite thee with magic missile! Magic missile! Magic missile! Magic missile! Magic missile!
::(''Flashback ends'')
:'''Shaggy''': Roll crit. Yes. Double damage! Ha ha ha ha! And that's when I knew I had to quit.
:'''Scooby''': (''laughs'') It's all right to be a nerd, ''Shagdolf''. (''laughs again'')
:(''Sheriff Stone arrives with police car'')
:'''Melvin''': Bronson, he's after us. You're next!
:'''Sheriff Stone''': (''gasps'') I don't know what you're talking about. I don't even know you. Who are you, strange little mustached man?
:'''Melvin''': It's the Dreamweaver!
:'''Sheriff Stone''': (''starts panicking'') What? No. No, it's not possible. The Dreamweaver? THE DREAMWEAVER? Ohh. (''to the gang'') Kids. Kids, you gotta help me. If the Dreamweaver is back, I can never sleep again!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
::(''In the flashback, the young Sheriff Stone, Francilee Jackson, Melvin Keisterbaum and Horbert Feist were playing Crypts and Creatures'')
::'''Young Bronson Stone''': (''to young Melvin'') OK, you've defeated the goblin warriors and now stand in the lair of the diabolical Dreamweaver. (''whispers'') What do you do?
::'''Young Melvin''': I use night vision to check for traps.
::'''Young Francilee''': I drink a large potion of health.
::'''Young Horbert''': I cast detect magic... on my butt!
::(''Young Melvin and Francilee laugh'')
::'''Young Bronson Stone''': If you guys don't take this seriously, I'm gonna take my soda and my dice and go home!
::'''Young Melvin, Francilee and Horbert''': Sorry, Bronson.
::'''Young Bronson Stone''': (''shows the Dreamweaver drawing'') The Dreamweaver, lord of the sleep realm, with his mystical orb of power, stands before you... ready to cast you ''into the abyss''.
::(''Flashback ends'')
:'''Sheriff Stone''': And now the Dreamweaver's come out of the game to finish what he started! AND I'M NEXT. (''sobs'')
:'''Shaggy and Scooby''': Whoa.
:'''Velma''': But why would he go after you guys?
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Aren't you paying attention? It's because we stopped playing CNC. We turned our backs on imagination. Because we grew up!
:'''Shaggy''': (''whimpers'') Like, let's never grow up, Scoob.
:'''Scooby''': Uh-uh, never.
:'''Velma''': We'll go investigate what this light bulb thing is. Shaggy, Scooby, stay here and make sure the Sheriff doesn't fall asleep.
:'''Shaggy and Scooby''': Got it.
:(''Fred, Daphne and Velma go to the Mystery Machine, Velma's cell phone rings, the call is from Mr. E'')
:'''Velma''': (''answers the phone in secret'') Mr. E.
:'''Ricky''': ''I thought you were the smart one, Velma, but you're making mistakes.''
:'''Velma''': I'm smart enough to trust my friends. Mystery Incorporated is a team. That's why I gave Fred the piece of Planispheric Disk.
:(''Next scene in Destroido'')
:'''Ricky''': A team without Hot Dog Water? That was wrong move number 2. Maybe I misjudged you, Velma.
:(''Next scene on the outskirts of the Norville house'')
:'''Ricky''': ''Maybe you don't want to save your friends.'' (''Velma is annoyed'') ''Maybe you don't want to save Crystal Cove. Maybe you--'' (''Velma hangs up her cell phone'')
:'''Fred''': Who was that?
:'''Velma''': Wrong number. (''enters the Mystery Machine'')
::(''In the dream world, Scooby, Shaggy and Sheriff Stone appeared'')
::'''Scooby''': Where are we?
::'''Sheriff Stone''': The lair of the Dreamweaver. It's exactly the way I designed it.
::'''Shaggy''': Next time, design something less scary.
::'''Scooby''': And put in a snack bar.
::(''Sheriff Stone, Shaggy and Scooby walk'')
::'''Sheriff Stone''': I remember the layout perfectly.
::(''Shaggy whimpers'')
::(''Sheriff Stone, Shaggy and Scooby start running trying to find the exit'')
::'''Sheriff Stone''': There's the exit.
::(''The Dreamweaver arrives in front of Sheriff Stone, Shaggy and Scooby'')
::'''Dreamweaver''': Welcome back, Bronson. Time to cast you into the abyss. (''laughs'')
::'''Shaggy''': Like, run!
::(''Sheriff Stone, Shaggy and Scooby run to the other side'')
::'''Dreamweaver''': (''appears on the other side'') Polymorph! (''uses the orb to attack Shaggy and transform into a rabbit'') (''Sheriff Stone, Scooby and rabbit Shaggy run to the other side and the Dreamweaver appears'') Flesh of stone! (''uses the orb to attack Sheriff Stone and transform into a stone'') (''Scooby screams and runs to the other side trying to escape the Dreamweaver'') Crashing tide! (''uses the orb to raise the wave and crush Scooby'')
::'''Scooby''': Uh-oh!
::(''The dream world is interrupted as Sheriff Stone, Shaggy and Scooby woke up wet from bucket of water, thrown by Fred'')
:'''Fred''': Way to go on keeping Sheriff Stone awake, guys.
:'''Shaggy''': We just met the Dreamweaver. He is one scary dude.
:'''Velma''': Sheriff, do you have your Dreamweaver drawing with you?
:'''Sheriff Stone''': It's right here with my character sheets and dice. A CNC player is always ''ready to play''.
:'''Scooby''': Hmm?
:'''Shaggy''': Wait a minute. Hey, Scooby-Doo, which hand did the Dreamweaver juggle his orb with?
:'''Scooby''': Uh, his right. No, l--left.
:'''Shaggy''': Sorry, Sheriff. It seems you're not quite the cryptmaster you thought. The Dreamweaver holds his orb in his off hand, not his main.
:'''Fred''': Uh, in non-nerdspeak?
:'''Daphne''': It means this Dreamweaver is a righty, but ours is a lefty.
:'''Velma''': Sheriff, it's time to face your fears one more time.
::(''In the dream world, Sheriff Stone runs trying to escape from the Dreamweaver'')
::'''Sheriff Stone''': (''panting'') Keep running. Don't look back.
::'''Dreamweaver''': (''laughing'') Rain of fire! (''uses the orb to trap Sheriff Stone with the wall of fire'') I've waited for this for a long, long time. Game over, Bronson.
::'''Sheriff Stone''': Time for some magic of my own. (''unmasks himself revealing to be Fred'')
::'''Fred''': Confess, Dreamweaver.
::(''The Dreamweaver starts panicking, Fred unmasks himself revealing to be Shaggy'')
::'''Shaggy''': Like, confess.
::'''Dreamweaver''': (''scared'') What?
::(''Shaggy unmasks himself revealing to be Daphne'')
::'''Daphne''': Confess!
::'''Dreamweaver''': Aah!
::(''Daphne walks and unmasks herself revealing to be Velma, Dreamweaver walks backwards scared'')
::'''Velma''': Confess!
::(''Velma unmasks herself revealing to be Scooby'')
::'''Scooby''': Confess!
::(''Dreamweaver falls down scared, throws the purple orb, the orb is broken'')
::(''Dream world ends'')
:'''Horbert''': (''wakes up in the bed'') I confess! I did it! I did it! I'M THE DREAMWEAVER!
:(''The gang with Sheriff Stone, Francilee and Melvin appeared'')
:'''Fred''': (''with the dream machine helmet on his head'') Busted.
:'''Horbert''': How--how did you know?
:'''Velma''': In all the dreams, the Dreamweaver held his orb in his left hand. But when we looked at everybody else, guess what? They're all righties. You're the only lefty in the bunch.
:'''Daphne''': This type of light bulb is used to stimulate them sleep. You used them to create this: a dream machine, which allowed you to project yourself into another person's dreams and manipulate them.
:'''Fred''': It cost you millions of dollars, which you loaned yourself from your own bank. Then you drove your car into your bank, blowing it up to cover your tracks.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, the only thing we don't know is why.
:'''Horbert''': (''to Sheriff Stone, Francilee and Melvin'') It was all your fault!
:'''Sheriff Stone, Francilee and Melvin''': (''annoyed'') Huh?
::(''In the flashback, the young Sheriff Stone, Francilee Jackson, Melvin Keisterbaum and Horbert Feist were playing Crypts and Creatures'')
::'''Young Bronson Stone''': Horbert, the Dreamweaver raises his orb, ready to cast his smiting spell. Make a saving throw.
::(''Young Horbert throws the dice to reach the highest number'')
::'''Young Horbert''': Whoo-hoo!
::(''The dice moved to the lowest number, Young Bronson Stone, Francilee, Melvin and Horbert are surprised'')
::'''Young Bronson Stone''': The Dreamweaver laughs as he casts your broken, lifeless elven body ''into the eternal abyss''.
::'''Young Horbert''': (''shocked'') NOOOOO!
::(''Flashback ends'')
:'''Horbert''': I loved that elf, (''sobs'') I LOVED HIM MORE THAN MY OWN CHILDREN! (''annoyed'') (''to Sheriff Stone, Francilee and Melvin'') And you took him away from me. You were all part of it! So I vowed to take away the things you all loved. (''to the gang'') And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you--you ROLE-PLAYING NERDS!
:(''Sheriff Stone handcuffs Horbert and takes him into custody'')
:'''Mrs. Feist''': Horbert, what are these people doing in our bedroom?
:'''Horbert''': Go back to sleep, dear.
:(''The gang walks toward the Jones mansion'')
:'''Shaggy''': Like, man, I really feel Mr. Feist's pain. Losing your CNC character is... intense.
:'''Scooby''': It's OK, Shagdolf. It's OK.
:(''The gang looks at the open front door'')
:'''Velma''': Fred, you left the door wide open.
:(''The gang arrives at the house, the living room is clean'')
:'''Daphne''': Fred, when did you hire a maid?
:'''Fred''': I-I didn't.
:'''Shaggy''': Then, like, who cleaned?
:'''Brad Chiles and Judy Reeves''': (''appear'') We did.
:'''Daphne''': Fred, is that...
:'''Velma''': Brad Chiles and Judy Reeves?
:'''Fred''': Mom? Dad?
:'''Brad''': That's right, Fred.
:'''Judy''': We're your parents.
:'''Brad''': And we're back.
:(''Fred is a bit shocked'')

===The Hodag of Horror===
:'''Fred''': He was stealing this wheel of old cheese.
:'''Velma''': Now let's see who the Hodag really is.
:(''Shaggy opens the cage and Velma unmasks Hodag'')
:'''Everyone''': Roberto!
:'''Scooby''': Where's my Nova?
:'''Velma''': Hold on. (''unmasks Roberto's face'')
:'''Everyone''': A monkey?
:'''Fussbuster''': (''heard in the balcony holding Nova over the edge'') That's right. My monkey. Nobody moves or the dog gets it.
:'''Scooby''': Nova!
:'''Daphne''': Mr. Fussbuster, please, don't hurt Nova. Why are you doing this?
:'''Fussbuster''': It all started back when I was a sailor working the trade boats in Indonesia. I learned you could train a monkey to steal. So that's just what I did. I trained Roberto using bells and used him to build up my fortune. When I rang a bell, he would start taking valuable objects. But he became bell crazy, started stealing bells, too. It drove me insane, all of those bells! And he not only brought home the bells, but whatever were attached to them. You don't know how many cats and cows and hunchbacks he brought home with him! But it was all worth it, as we were just about to steal the 500-year-old cheese you have in your hand.
:'''Fred''': 500-year-old cheese?
:'''Fussbuster''': Yes. It was made right here in Crystal Cove by a master Spanish cheesemaker. It's priceless. And with its theft, I could have finally retired to the Netherlands, where they really enjoy cheese properly.
:'''Velma''': But why the Hodag?
:'''Fussbuster''': Shepherd's security was unbreakable. I needed the key. Seemed the best way to get it. Now, toss the cheese up here and she won't get hurt. (''Nova is whimpering'')
:'''Scooby''': (''growling, grabs the cheese'') Here, Fussbuster. Fetch!
:(''Scooby throws the cheese to Fussbuster, Fussbuster tried to steal it but falls down to grass, and Scooby saves Nova'')
:(''Next scene in the police car with Fussbuster and Roberto ringing the bell'')
:'''Fussbuster''': (''groaning'') And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for those bells. The bells! The bells! (''crying'')

===Art of Darkness!===
:'''Velma''': Let's see who's really behind all this junk. (''grabs the TV head of Junk'')
:'''Randy Warsaw''': I don't get it.
:'''Daphne''': Wait for it. We discovered the strange paralysis of Eeko, Clio, and worker number one had been caused by a rare strand of brewers yeast. Used only in Bavaria. That allowed us to reverse the effect.
:'''Velma''': These guys have been frozen to recreate a picture by the famous Bravarian artist Albrecht von Cartofokauf. So we knew we were looking for someone German.
:'''Randy Warsaw''': I... I still don't get it.
:'''Daphne''': Here's why Randy Warsaw. The real culprit is (''grabs the head out of Junk'') Butch Furbanks.
:'''Butch''': Fine, you got me. But don't expect my introspective personality to register guilt.
:'''Daphne''': His real name is Hans van Shanengruber.
:'''Velma''': Before Butch joined &quot;Sunday Around Noonish&quot; he released an album of classical accordion music. It reached number one in the Bravarian hit parade. But soon fizzled.
:'''Fred''': Using powerful electro magnets, and his expert knowledge of musical instruments, Butch was able to control your junk sculpture and make it attack you.
:'''Shaggy''': Like the only thing we don't know is why?
:'''Butch''': Alright, look I did it for art.
:'''Randy Warsaw''': That can't be right, can it?
:'''Butch''': Okay, that's a lie. The truth is I hated what you made me in to. All I ever wanted to do was play polkas in a Bravarian Oompa band. A beautiful dream that I lived until I came to work for you, Randy Warsaw. You changed me. You transformed me. Molded me in to a dark band leader, playing and singing horrible intellectual music. You took everything from me. And I wanted to make you pay. Pay! And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for you meddling polka haters. (''Sheriff takes Butch into custody'') (''to Scooby'') Oh and your singing stinks, nobody understands a word you're saying.
:'''Scooby''': That's outrageous!
:'''Randy Warsaw''': Well, thank you, Mystery Incorporated. You've saved modern art from the clutches of the boudoir. There's only one this left to say: I find you all horribly, horribly boring. So, get out of here. Shoo, shoo. Go away. (''leaves'')
:'''Scooby''': Uh, Mr. Warsaw, can I keep the wig?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': It's okay, gang. Sometimes people just don't appreciate it when you save the day. That's just the price of our... art.
:'''Cassidy''': (''on the Mystery Machine radio'') ''Listen up, boppers. Because I've got a brand new radio show coming at you right now. Across the airwaves.'' (''Next scene in K-Ghoul'') It's all about the truth. Evil resides in Crystal Cove. (''Next scene in Jones mansion, Brad and Judy hear her'') ''So stay tuned and maybe, just maybe...'' (''Next scene in Mystery Machine, the gang hears her'') ''We'll all get through this thing alive.''

===The Gathering Gloom===
:'''Fred''': Velma! Scooby! We heard explosions. Are you okay?
:'''Moder''': Oh! What have you done to our cemetery?
:'''Velma''': What we've done is capture the Graveyard Ghoul. And now, let's see who he really is. (''unmasks the Graveyard Ghoul'') Evallo.
:'''Shaggy''': Well, what do you know? It really was the most obvious suspect. (''chuckles'') Who would have guessed?
:'''Velma''': Evallo was stealing natural gas from the Crystal Cove gas company.
:'''Evallo''': Yes, that is right. I did it. I, count Evallo von Meanskrieg, developed a perfectly evil plan und used my position as gravedigger to cover my activities. But the crowd from the Mayor's movie night meant someone might notice what I was up to. I had to scare them off! Thus, my genius evil plan of the Graveyard Ghoul was born. Unfortunately, the flame-broiling grill was incredibly dangerous so close to my gas lines. I had to stop it. Which led to my capture. Sadly, I, the evil count Evallo von Meanskrieg, would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for this Sheriff and his American-style barbecue.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': (''closes the police car door'') You all saw that, right? I caught the right guy, and on purpose! (''drives away'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ricky''': (''prepares grape juice'') I'm glad you came. I wasn't sure you would.
:'''Pericles''': Of course, Ricky. I'm happy you invited me.
:'''Ricky''': To a future of unimaginable wealth.
:'''Pericles''': To the treasure. For with it, we shall rule the world.
:'''Ricky''': A meeting of this momentous importance deserves some mood music. (''turns on the radio'')
:'''Cassidy''': ''Remember, all you listeners out there, something bad is going down at Crystal Cove. And by down, I mean underneath. Watch out for any foul play, especially of the feathered kind.
:'''Pericles''': (''shuts down the radio'') Ahh, Cassidy. If we are to continue, she will need to be silenced ''forever''.
:'''Ricky''': Agreed. Forever.
:(''Pericles and Ricky clink glasses'')

===Night on Haunted Mountain===
:'''Daphne''': How in the world did a ship get all the way up here?
:'''Velma''': Maybe this can tell us. It's the ship's manifest. The writing's in Español, but I aced honor's Spanish. I can translate. &quot;I fear I may have doomed us all. After months of filling our hold... &quot;
:(''In the flashback with narrating conquistador'')
:'''Conquistador''': ...with treasure, we were about to set sail when word was delivered of an even greater prize: a sarcophagus of the purest crystal, filled to the brim with black pearls of immense value. A king's ransom! The men and I were overtaken with a desire to find this great treasure. And after several months of searching, find it we did. What we didn't realize was that the Entity that dwelled inside that crystal sarcophagus had been searching for us as well. In our thirst for power and wealth, we had discovered a terrible evil. It preyed upon our fears, driving us to commit Horrible acts. Finally, in an act of desperation to stop what we had become, I set the ship ashore on the mission coast, in a cove we named after what we would soon bring there: '''Crystal Cove'''.
:(''Flashback interrupted'')
:'''Shaggy''': Zoinks! Ha ha! Like, that means...
:'''Fred''': These are the conquistadors that founded our town!
:'''Daphne''': The ones that disappeared!
:(''Flashback continues'')
:'''Conquistador''': I used the arcanical ''Disco Planisférico'', to map our location, and we buried the evil treasure deep, deep underground. Then, we broke the disk into 6 pieces and went our separate ways. I concealed my piece aboard the ship and artfully protected it by a large number of lethal mechanical devices. I brought the ship here, to the top of this mountain, to stay hidden forever.
:(''Flashback ends'')
:'''Velma''': It's signed Fernando El Aguirre, captain of the &quot;Santa Lucia&quot; of Spain.
:'''Daphne''': Jeepers! You know what this means? The fifth piece of the Planispheric Disk is right here on this ship!
:'''Shaggy''': Then let's find it and get out of here before that crazy chick shows up again! Hoo-hoo!
:'''Scooby''': Yeah!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': (''sniffs'') There's that smell again. Of course. (''sees the broken disguise in the right leg'') HOT DOG WATER. (''The Dark Lilith runs away with the piece #5 of the Planispheric Disk'') Marcie, wait!
:'''Dark Lilith/Marcie''': (''unmasks herself'') Hello, Velma.
:'''Velma''': Why would you--wait. Of course. Mr. E. You're still working for him. But you couldn't outwit the captain's traps without Fred.
:'''Marcie''': That's right. So humiliating to have to rely on a guy. I repurposed my old Manticore outfit and super helium technology to create the Dark Lilith disguise. Then, I lured Gary and Ethan here by falsely telling them professional soccer players worked their calf muscles on Mount Diabla. I knew Fred would talk you guys into investigating what happened to them. Then, Fred could spring the traps, and I could get the piece. (''sighs'') But you're a hard girl to fool, V. I'm glad you recognized me.
:'''Velma''': Me too. So, how's this gonna end?
:'''Marcie''': (''sadly gives the piece to Velma'') Here. Friendship should always come first, and-- well, you're the only friend I've ever had.
:'''Velma''': What about Mr. E? He'll hunt you down and destroy you.
:'''Marcie''': He'll have to catch me first. See you around, Velma Dinkley. (''walks away'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': Way to go, Velma! I thought Dark Lilith was going to end up with the fifth piece for sure.
:'''Scooby''': Where'd the evil lady go?
:'''Velma''': No idea. Flew away, I guess.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': Well, gang, with the 3 pieces we have, the two pieces Pericles stole, that means there's--
:'''Scooby''': Just one more piece to go.
:'''Daphne''': Yeah, and why do I get the feeling that even if we don't find number 6? It'll end up finding us.
:(''The gang drives away'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ghost of a Conquistador''': Nibiru. (''laughs and slowly fades'')

===Grim Judgement===
:'''Daphne''': Looks like Hebediah Grim won't be judging anybody, now that we know he's really...
:(''Scooby and Daphne unmasks the 2 Hebediah Grims'')
:'''Scooby''': Gary and Ethan.
:'''Ethan''': Ugh! How did you know?
:'''Gary''': Yeah! We were, like, totally sneaky!
:'''Velma''': Not so totally, I'm afraid. The odd indentations in Hebediah Grim's footprints turned out to be soccer cleat marks. Gary's chat video was pre-recorded. I hacked your laptop and found the original recordings.
:'''Fred''': Two missing costumes meant there could be two Hebediah Grims.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, worst of all, you guys tried to frame Doogle McGuiness by putting a yearbook on his porch: Ethan's yearbook!
:'''Velma''': So judge that, you losers. (''throws the yearbook hardly'') Booyah! Who wants to judge me now? Huh? Who? You want to judge me? You? In your face! YEAH!
:'''Scooby''': Velma, you're scaring me.
:'''Fred''': The real question is, why? Why did you guys do it?
:'''Gary and Ethan''': Girls.
:'''Gary''': Duh. We wanted to terrify girls and then rescue them so they'd fall for us, just like the knights did in the old west before the dragons went away.
:'''Ethan''': Yeah. Knights terrorize and save damsels to score dates with them all the time.
:'''Fred''': Huh. I never thought about it that way.
:'''Daphne''': But why did you both dress up?
:'''Ethan''': We don't trust each other. Tag-teaming was the only option.
:'''Gary''': And we would have gotten away with it if any of you mystery, stink losers had lives.

===Night Terrors===
:'''Velma''': Now, let's see who's really behind all this Terrorwood smoke. (''unmasks the Fiend'')
:'''Everyone''': Dan Fluunk?
:'''Daphne''': That doesn't make any sense.
:'''Shaggy''': You seemed like the nicest guy.
:'''Scooby''': Why, Dan? Why?
:'''Dan''': It's this place. I can't take it! I've been here since I was born. My family's been caretakers of the Burlington Mansion, and then, the Burlington Library, for generations. I was born here, been here every day of my life, all alone up here on this mountain, tending this darn library! Where it always seemed to be snowing and I could never get warm. Never! I hate the cold. I hate the snow! But the library could never be closed. I never got a vacation, not one. I found out about the Terrorwood when I accidentally burned some. So I decided to use it to scare away anyone and everyone that came here. So eventually, no one would come anymore, and I could close the place forever and go someplace warm. And I would have done it, too, been somewhere warm by now, if it wasn't for you meddling snow-bound brats. (''Next scene, outside of Burlington Library, Dan Fluunk is taken into custody by two deputies'') I don't mind going to prison. Not one bit! At least I'll finally be someplace warm! (''laughs hysterically'')

===The Midnight Zone===
:(''In K-Ghoul, Cassidy is speaking through microphone'')
:'''Cassidy''': That's why I'm here to tell you the truth. There aren't any real ghosts in Crystal Cove. It's like the open-all-hours gym, it just isn't open all hours. And that's just the tip of the false-berg. Give me time, and I will tell you everything I know about Crystal Cove enough to blow your mind. Aah! (''the wall is exploded interrupting her, a big robot soldier arrives'') You just made a big mistake. Hyah! (''attacks robot throwing discs, it tries punching her, she dodges it'') (''attacks robot with metal stick, it throws lounge chair to her, she dodges it again'') Hyah! (''decapitates robot head with a kick'') Don't think you can come in my house and make a mess.
:'''Robot soldier''': (''speaks in German meaning self-destruction and counts'')
:'''Cassidy''': Oh, great.
:(''Cassidy runs away from K-Ghoul and survives from the explosion by self-destrucing robot soldier'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''The gang arrives with Mystery Machine'')
:'''Daphne''': Cassidy! We heard about the explosion! Are you hurt?
:'''Fred''': We brought ointment.
:(''Cassidy shows her big shotgun'')
:'''Scooby''': (''gasps'')
:'''Shaggy''': She hates ointment!
:'''Cassidy''': Hit the dirt!
:(''The gang gets down behind a big robot soldier, Cassidy shoots it'')
:'''Daphne''': Cassidy, what's going on?
:'''Velma''': Start with why there's a World War II-era robot on the ground.
:'''Cassidy''': We can't talk here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shaggy''': Like, dude, why were you attacked by a robot?
:'''Cassidy''': Actually, I've been attacked by 6 robots. It started last week, and it's getting worse. I would have told you sooner, but you all don't trust me.
:'''Velma''': With good reason. You lied to us.
:'''Cassidy''': I hear you. But I've changed. Ask me anything, and I will tell you the truth.
:'''Daphne''': OK. What's the story with you and Mr. E? Why did you help him?
:'''Cassidy''': It's, um, complicated.
:'''Daphne''': (''sighs'') Wrong answer.
:(''Another robot rises in the ocean'')
:'''Velma''': Hold on, gang. Check this out. (''picks up a small sea thing inside robot arm'') Interesting. This is a Lassiter Gringol mollusk.
:'''Scooby''': Looks like a snail. Yecch!
:'''Velma''': It is a snail, Scooby, a rare sea snail, (''a robot soldier sees the gang, preparing to attack'') whose picky mollusk diet restricts it to a deep Costa marine trench, located right off Crystal Cove. These robots must have an underwater origin in that trench. (''robot soldier arrives in front of the gang'') Aaah!
:'''Robot soldier''': (''speaks in German, tries to attack the gang but it's hit by an arrow and hits the wall'')
:'''Skipper''': Go back to the deep where you came from, you scurvy tin fish! You rusty scalawags are worse than sea rats! (''to the gang'') Sorry about that, kids. Free brine and cuttlefish on the house.
:'''Fred''': Gang, we need to get to that trench.
:'''Daphne''': And I know someone who can get us there.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': There she is.
:'''Cassidy''': It's over, Miss October Pest. Call off the bots. (''turns the chair and sees the corpse'') Ugh!
:'''Shaggy''': Like, that is worse than robots.
:'''Frau's corpse''': ''Nibiru.''
:'''Scooby''': Did that thing... just ''whisper?''
:'''Fred''': I heard it, too. It sounded like...
:'''Velma''': Nibiru.
:'''Daphne''': You think that was her name?
:'''Velma''': No. Her name was Frau Abigail Glück. She was part of the Benevolent Lodge of Mystery, the mystery-solving gang formed by Burlington in the 1880s. And when I got back from the Burlington Library, someone had pinned a picture of another mystery-solving group on my wall: The Darrow Family.
:'''Daphne''': Including us and the original Mystery Incorporated? That makes 4 groups.
:'''Velma''': My guess-- there's more. Almost as if ''this'' has all happened before.
:(''Pericles and the Kriegstaffebots appear'')
:'''Pericles''': Exactly right. Mystery Incorporated.
:'''Everyone''': Professor Pericles?
:'''Pericles''': Ah! Lovely. I see you have met what's left of Frau Glück. I met Frau Glück in Bavaria in the 1930s. She discovered the missionaries possessed the fifth and the sixth pieces of the Planispheric Disk. She built this lab and a host of robots to aid her search for the pieces. I finally found this lab and continued the Frau's work, building a legion of her Kriegstaffebots to retrieve the pieces for me. My holographic masquerade as Frau Glück bought my bots all the time they needed. And I would have gotten away with eliminating Cassidy if it weren't for you meddling kids. Now that I have everything I need, I can dispose of this place and all of you at the same time. (''takes the piece of the Planispheric Disk'') Farewell, darling kinder. Farewell. (''escapes the underwater lab in an escape capsule'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': We're leaving now!
:'''Tub''': I wish! Moby's stuck!
:'''Tom''': The only way we can leave is if someone stays behind and keeps the doors open with this manual override lever!
:'''Cassidy''': I'll do it.
:'''Daphne''': No!
:'''Cassidy''': I'll be right behind you. Trust me, I'm a fast swimmer. (''The gang feels a bit shocked'') Go! I'll be fine. Go.
:(''The gang, Tom and Tub enter the submarine, Daphne stays to talk'')
:'''Daphne''': What we were talking about before, about regret-- you weren't talking about me and Fred. You were talking about you and Mr. E. You loved him once, didn't you?
:'''Cassidy''': (''last words'') What E and I had, we lost a long time ago. Don't make the same mistake I did. Now, go!
:(''Cassidy keeps the switch that opened the door and the submarine escapes the laboratory destroyed'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Do you see her?
:'''Tom''': Don't worry. She's here somewhere.
:(''The seal Scooby appears in the water, calling the gang'')
:'''Daphne''': Look, gang. He's holding something.
:(''The seal Scooby shows the broken helmet'')
:'''Daphne''': Ah! (''The gang is sad'') Oh no! No, Fred. (''cries'')
:'''Fred''': Easy, Daphne. I'm sure she got out. Right, guys?
:'''Shaggy''': Like, yeah. Definitely.
:'''Scooby''': She saved us.
:'''Velma''': I guess maybe... we were wrong about Cassidy.

===Scarebear===
:'''Daphne''': Where are we?
:'''Fred''': It looks like an avocado orchard.
:'''Shaggy and Scooby''': Ooh. Guacamole.
:'''Velma''': Lithium. Toxic. See what it's doing to the Avocados?
:'''Fred''': Look, tracks!
:'''Scooby''': Huh?
:(''The gang looks at the tracks and think they see the Scarebear in the dark, George Avocados arrives'')
:'''Fred''': George Avocados?
:'''Avocados''': That's A''voc''ados, you delinquent. What are you doing on my land?
:'''Shaggy''': Like, dude, this is your land?
:'''Avocados''': My family has farmed avocados on this land for generations. Because you horrid children unmasked my dear father as a diamond thief, my reputation has been besmirched, forcing me to work my fingers to the bone so I can keep myself in the wealthy manner to which I have become accustomed.
:'''Daphne''': You know, if you're looking to make some money, I bet you could sell that coat for... (''Avocados looks a bit annoyed at her'') Hmm.
:(''A small creature falls to the ground, and runs with spider paws to the top of the tree'')
:'''Velma''': Uh, is that normal avocado behavior?
:'''Avocados''': Destroido! They're ruining my crops, and there's nothing I can do about it!
:'''Fred''': Why not?
:'''Avocados''': Because, dim young man, Destroido won't even allow me onto their property without a Destroido passport, which only they can issue. Now, get off my land.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. E''': ARREST THEM!
:'''Mayor Nettles''': Now, hold on, sheriff?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Now, it's time to see who the Scarebear really is.
:(''Fred unmasks Scarebear'')
:'''Everyone''': Benson Fuhrman?
:'''Benson''': That's right. And Fuhrman isn't my real name. It's Hairmore.
:'''Fred''': Why did you change it?
:'''Benson''': Isn't it obvious, man? Hairmore would give me away as the Scarebear and, duh. All I wanted was to expose Destroido for the sick, soul-destroying evil that it is. Destroido ruins lives and pays the victims to keep quiet. Well, this is one victim who won't remain quiet any longer.
:'''Daphne''': How are you a victim? You look fine.
:'''Benson''': Do I, pretty scarlet-headed temptress? What if I told you that I am not, in fact, wearing a bear suit, but I'm covered completely in animal hair?
:'''Fred''': Except for your face?
:'''Benson''': It would be covered, too, square-jawed, handsome young hero, if I didn't have to shave every few hours just to maintain my non-hirsute appearance. You see: I purchased a bottle of gentle rain flower body wash for men, a heavenly scent designed to bring the ladies running. What I didn't know was that the company, Musky Farms, is a division of Destroido, and that there's a side effect. When I contacted Destroido about the product turning me into a hairy bear-man, the company acted as if what had happened to me was nothing. They tried to pay me off. Destroido ruined my life. So I was determined to find evidence that their body wash was toxic. I got the job as head of security and created the Scarebear suit out of taxidermied bear parts. I'm particularly proud of the claws which I purchased from a school for gifted children. I discovered that gentle rain flower was originally marketed as a lawn growth fertilizer that was so toxic, it destroyed an entire town. They didn't even change the formula. I was in the process of uploading the incriminating files to my website when you kids broke into my lab. My plan was to finally expose Destroido tonight at their own charity ball. I wanted to show the entire world what they had done. And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for you meddling, mutant animal-hating kids.
:'''Fred''': Gee. I feel kind of bad that we got in the way. Destroido deserves to be exposed.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Unfortunately, since Destroido is its own sovereign nation, I can't arrest anyone.
:'''Daphne''': Oh, Sheriff! (''hugs Sheriff Stone'') You're wonderful!
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Huh?
:'''Mayor Nettles''': I'll explain it later.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, speaking of explaining, we still don't know who set the bomb.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pericles''': They do not suspect us of having set the bomb. Excellent.
:'''Ricky''': Not so excellent, however, is the fact that it didn't work. That idiot trap fiend found a way to blow up my bomb, and the gang walked free. I would have destroyed my own company to get those Planispheric Disk pieces. These children are proving hard to handle.
:'''Pericles''': We must find another way. Perhaps somebody close who can betray the kinder without them ever seeing it coming.
:'''Ricky''': Of course. Brad and Judy.
:'''Pericles''': Question is, will they be willing to betray their only son?

===Wrath of the Krampus===
:'''Pericles''': Perfect.
:'''Judy''': All the pieces of...
:'''Brad''': The Planispheric Disk are ours!
:'''Ricky''': I believe it's time to put all of it together.
:(''The old gang goes to the lair and find that the pieces are gone, only DVD'')
:'''Brad''': I don't understand.
:'''Judy''': Where are our pieces?
:(''Ricky plays the DVD on the DVD player'')
:(''Video starts'')
:'''Fred''': ''If you're watching this, you're probably wondering what's happened to your pieces of the Planispheric Disk. In a word, you've been scammed, conned, bamboozled.''
:'''Daphne''': ''That's 3 words, Fred, but I think they get the idea. We did this to you.''
:'''Scooby''': ''Yeah.''
:'''Shaggy''': ''And we will be more than happy to tell you how we did it.''
:'''Velma''': ''It was all an elaborate plan masterminded by your very own Freddie.''
:'''Fred''': ''We created Krampus by borrowing Charlie the Haunted Robot and dressing him up in clothes we bought off German gypsies who live in Crystal Cove's haunted forest.''
:'''Velma''': ''As for Krampus moving around, he was being remote controlled by Jason Wyatt, who agreed to help for lenience from the Mayor on his mother's sentence.''
:'''Shaggy''': ''Like, Jason also helped create an invisible aerosol that was used to turn hair white and make it grow long for added effect.''
:'''Fred''': ''We needed to keep you away from the vault. You following us following Krampus was the perfect way to keep you distracted so we could carry out our master plan: Breaking into Mr. E's vault.''
:'''Daphne''': ''Freddy planted a bug on Brad Chiles' clothing so that we could get the code to the vault.''
:'''Scooby''': ''And once we had that code...''
:'''Velma''': ''We could give it to our operative. Someone with intimate knowledge of Mr. E's lair: Hot Dog Water.''
:'''Ricky''': (''surprised'') Hot Dog Water?
:'''Velma''': ''I still know how to get in touch with her.''
:'''Shaggy''': ''Like, when Velma told Hot Dog Water what we had planned, HDW was in.''
:'''Scooby''': ''And while we stole the real pieces...''
:'''Fred''': ''You were stealing fake ones.''
:'''Daphne''': ''The real pieces were instead safely hidden with the one person no one would ever suspect: Fred's fake father, the ex-Mayor Jones.''
:'''Fred''': ''My not-really-my-dad dad may have betrayed us once to get the disk pieces, but when he heard what we were planning, he was more than glad to help us take you down.''
:'''Shaggy''': ''And, like, Mary Anne Gleardan also agreed to help us after the current Mayor offered her lenience on her sentence.''
:'''Scooby''': ''She really wants to go back to the seventh grade.''
:'''Fred''': ''I guess I secretly hoped you guys might not try to steal the pieces from us. But I guess I always knew you would. Which leaves me with only one thing left to say: Real mom, real dad, don't expect me home for dinner. Ever.''
:'''Scooby''': ''And we're taking Nova with us, too. You don't deserve her.''
:(''Video ends'')
:(''The old gang is shocked'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Oh. Let's see what it looks like: The whole Planispheric Disk.
:(''The gang reassembles the pieces of the Planispheric Disk'')
:(''The disk is shining'')
:'''Shaggy''': Like, whoa.
:'''Velma''': It's beautiful.
:'''Fred''': We have the whole thing. That leaves only one question.
:'''Scooby''': What do we do now?
:(''The next scene depicts the crystal coffin with eyes glowing beneath Crystal Cove'')
:'''Crystal coffin's voice''': ''Nibiru.'' (''laughs'')

===Heart of Evil===
:'''Dr. Zin''': (''crying'') I have failed you, my dragon. What bitterness to lose with the Quest-X power source in our grasp. It's all your fault!
:'''Dynomutt''': My fault? Gee, what'd I do? I hadn't a clue!
:'''Blue Falcon''': Allow me to elucidate, Dog Wonder. It's time you knew the truth. 
::(''In the flashback, Radley Crown shoots the gun to Dragon, Dragon grabs him'')
::'''Blue Falcon''': (''narrates'') ''You were once an ordinary but beloved security dog... until tragedy struck.''
::(''The dog bites Dragon's back that explodes, dog loses consciousness'')
::(''Next scene in the laboratory'')
::'''Dr. Quest''': Radley, I was able to replace most of Reggie's damaged body parts with robotic replacements. Now, for the tricky part: the heart.
::'''Race Bannon''': But doctor, are you telling me you're going to power this dog with the most powerful generator on the planet?
::'''Dr. Quest''': He's a living thing, Race, and deserves no less.
::(''Flashback ends'')
:(''Dynomutt chuckles'')
:'''Velma''': But Dynomutt wasn't the only cyborg created in that explosion, was he, Dr. Zin?
:'''Dr. Zin''': No. Stealing the Quest-X was to be a trial run for my greatest creation: the Dragon battle suit. So, precious was this invention, I trusted only one person to test it: my own daughter. The accident fused the suit to Jenny and has been feeding off of her life force ever since. How did you know?
:'''Velma''': The Dragon registered a heat signature on Mr. E's scanners.
:'''Fred''': But why the obsession with Dynomutt?
:'''Dr. Zin''': Not the dog, the Quest-X inside! With that to power the Dragon suit, my Jenny would survive. But now...
:'''Blue Falcon''': I had no idea.
:'''Dynomutt''': Oh, my goodness gracious! Why didn't you say so? Never to busy to help a fellow cyborg with a jump start.
:(''Dynomutt uses a power cable to the Dragon suit'')
:'''Blue Falcon''': Dog Wonder, no! The feedback could destroy you both!
:'''Fred''': It's gonna blow!
:(''The Dragon suit almost exploded with a flash, it raised and opened itself to release Dr. Zin's daughter, Jenny, she collapsed, Dr. Zin helped her'')
:'''Jenny''': Father?
:'''Dr. Zin''': Jenny!
:'''Scooby''': Aww! Isn't that sweet? (''giggles'')
:'''Dr. Zin''': Robot dog, meddling kids, man in bird suit, you have my thanks. I have spent so many years pursuing my evil plan of global domination, I sometimes forget the beauty of a simple act of selfless kindness. (''Fred and Daphne smile at each other'') (''mocking'') It's a pity you must all now be destroyed as this island explodes with the fury of 1,000 suns! (''Both Dr. Zin and Jenny laugh'')
:'''Jenny''': Good one, dad! Let's motor.
:(''Dr. Zin and Jenny escape with their jetpacks'') 
:'''Dynomutt''': Well, for an evil, crazed scientist, he certainly has a unique sense of humor.
:'''Shaggy''': Let's get out of here!
:'''Scooby''': Yipe!
:(''The gang with Blue Falcon and Dynomutt escape the island'')

===Theater of Doom===
:'''Brad''': But--
:'''Ricky''': Stifle it, Chiles. Pericles has the floor.
:'''Pericles''': So, the kinder still have the disk. You couldn't even manipulate your own son? Pathetic.
:'''Brad''': Fine. We failed.
:'''Judy''': That's right, Brad.
:'''Brad''': Not now, Judy. (''to Pericles'') Aren't you the smart one who should have seen through Fred's ruse?
:'''Pericles''': Don't push me, older pretty boy. I want those pieces, and since you and your sweet, dumb bride failed me, it is up to you to recover them before people get ''hurt''. (''his paws break the table part'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Scooby''': Alright, Velma, start singing.
:'''Velma''': Uh. ''[sings; Friar Serra and His Donkey, Porto while playing the Acoustic Guitar. Gasps]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': Now, let's see who this ghostly monk really is. (''unmasks Serra's face'')
:'''Everyone''': George Avocados? (''The crowd is surprised'')
:'''Avocados''': That's A''voc''--ah. Oh, forget it. That's right. It is me.
:'''Fred''': Yes! Finally! I knew you'd be the villain eventually.
:'''Avocados''': All right, you got me. And I suppose you're wondering, after so many prior misdirects, why now.
:'''Daphne''': Actually, no. Not really. We kind of always knew you were evil.
:'''Avocados''': Hmmph! Okay, fine. Then my tale should not surprise. It all began after I failed in politics. I had no choice but to go into the family business: Farming avocados. Everything was going so well until you mystery brats blew up my crops. I then tried my hand at fortune telling. But when that endeavor failed... I fell back on the A''voc''ados legacy of stealing other people's things. I located the A''voc''ados diamond, stolen by my father. Turns out, it actually was disguised as a door knob, not on a door in Crystal Cove, but on a door at the Burlington Library. When I found out it was among the artifacts sent here for the production. I took a job as a janitor. I needed everyone to stay clear of the basement to give me time to look. I hid the body of Friar Serra in a closet and assumed his identity. Knowing this town's gullibility, I knew a ghost story would give me room to hunt. And I would have succeeded, TOO, if it weren't for Vincent van Ghoul.
:'''Vincent van Ghoul''': Moi?
:'''Velma''': So the brown residue that was left behind...
:'''Avocados''': That's right. Guacamole! Now, I want my diamond! (''tries to grab the diamond staff but Daphne grabbed it'')
:'''Daphne''': Let me see something. This crystal is the diamond!
:'''Shaggy''': But, like, hold on. If you were the friar, how did you appear at the rehearsals?
:'''Avocados''': I didn't. I assumed that was you meddling kids trying to trick me into revealing myself.
:'''Everyone''': Huh?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Friar Serra''': You are still in danger. The story of Crystal Cove is a lie. The donkey never tried to help save the town, but to destroy it. There were 4 of us and Porto in the Fraternum House Mysterium, a group of mystery-solving friars. We encountered a conquistador. He told us a tale of great evil before his madness got the best of him, and he vanished in the night, he left behind two oddly-marked disk pieces. We quickly became obsessed with the pieces. We realized that there was an evil at work. We attempted to destroy the pieces to rid us and the town of evil, but the evil would not allow us. The evil manipulated Porto. Porto set out to destroy the town. We chased Porto to the alligator-infested swamps, outside of town. Porto was dragged away by the alligators, but not before I was able to retrieve the one piece he took. The other piece, thankfully was lost at the bottom of the ocean when Crystal Cove sank into the sea. It was up to me, now, to hide the last piece. Beware, Nibiru is coming. This has all happened before, it begins with the animal. Always the animal. Heed the warning of the alligators! ''The dog dies!'' (''Friar Serra's corpse crumbles to dust'')
:'''Scooby''': (''gulps'') &quot;The dog dies&quot;? Is he talking about me?!

===Aliens Among Us===
:'''Scooby''': EEB.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Don't get too close. They still might have some alien brain-stealing items ready to deploy.
:'''Velma''': That might be true if they were really aliens, but they are, in fact, (''unmasks the Grey, Nordic Alien and Reptoid'') Traveler O'Flaherty, Sheela O'Flaherty and Connor O'Flaherty.
:'''Fred''': Ah, usually, we all recognize the villain and shout out his name in unison.
:'''Daphne''': Yeah, Velm. Mind cluing us in?
:'''Sheriff Stone''': I know all the criminals in Crystal Cove, and these jerks aren't ringing a bell.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, you had a wanted poster for them on your wall.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Oh, please. Nobody ever pays attention to those. What is this, the old west?
:'''Traveler O'Flaherty''': Were that it were, boyo. Then perhaps we could've earned an honest living. When I was a wee lad, we couldn't even afford peat for our fire. So I had to lift it. It turned out I was a right good thief, but then I discovered there were things I could steal other than coal, and wouldn't you know it, my kids had an aptitude for the family business as well. We started getting a reputation for our business, and there were our faces splashed all over the universe. Aye. 'Twas then we got the idea for the costumes because who'd ever say they saw an outer space creature stealing a flat-screen television set? I found out about the Blakes purchasing the Pangaea. Seemed like it was right up our alley, and we'd have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you frittering snappers. (''after a short silence'') Meddling kids!
:'''Sheriff Stone''': But I know what I saw: the aliens, the cornfield, my nose chip!
:'''Velma''': Actually, Sheriff, during your hypnotic regression, Shaggy and Scooby smelled something on your breath.
:'''Shaggy and Scooby''': Bad clams.
:'''Velma''': The clams induced a hallucination that made everything seem real.
:'''Daphne''': What about the lights on the road?
:'''Velma''': A weather balloon that got loose from the army.
:'''Fred''': And the Mystery Machine fritzing out?
:'''Velma''': Too many people turning on their air conditioners at the same time created an electromagnetic pulse that shut the Mystery Machine's engine down.
:'''Daphne''': The crop circle?
:'''Velma''': A farmer writing &quot;I love you&quot;, to his wife for their anniversary.
:'''Daphne''': Aw, we must've been standing in the &quot;O&quot; of &quot;love.&quot;
:'''Fred''': Or the &quot;O&quot; of &quot;you.&quot;
:'''Daphne''': It was the &quot;O&quot; of &quot;love&quot;, Fred.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': So I wasn't repeatedly abducted and experimented on by aliens?
:'''Fred''': Doesn't seem so, Sheriff.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Then I'm no longer a victim. And you, O'Flaherty family, are under arrest for THIEVERY AND IMPERSONATION OF INVADERS FROM OUTER SPACE, AND you're going away for a ''long'', long time.

===The Horrible Herd===
:'''Shaggy''': So, like, I don't understand. The Planispheric Disk led us to dig up this crazy old flintlock. Does that mean this is the treasure?
:'''Velma''': No. It might be worth a little something as an antique, but the cursed treasure of Crystal Cove is supposed to be immense beyond all imagining.
:'''Daphne''': Like love.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Excuse me, Mr. farmer. What happened to your farm?
:'''Farmer''': Farm? I ain't got no farm. It's gone, all of it. That horrible herd ate everything except the silo. (''to Martha'') Martha, we are leaving.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, did I just heard you say hear? I mean, uh, ha ha ha, hear you say herd.
:'''Fred''': Herd of what?
:'''Farmer''': Skull cattle. Ugliest darn things.
:'''Velma''': Guys, look at these weird hoof prints. They don't make any sense.
:'''Farmer''': If you really want to get all nosy about it, you should talk to the other farmers in the area. The herd paid them a visit, too.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': So you're saying that this herd of skull cattle also destroyed your farms?
:'''Sullen female farmer''': What's the matter with you? You got potatoes in your ears, huh?
:'''Fred''': Huh? Nope, not today. I once had luminescent swamp moss stuffed in my ears when I was trapping toads as a baby. But it came out. Eventually.
:'''Velma''': Ay. Please, go on.
:'''Sullen female farmer''': Like a plague of locusts they was. Coming out of the night, they devoured everything in their path.
:'''Male farmer''': I reckon she's right.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': I mapped all the attacks on all the farms in the area, and look, they create an outline of a magnifying glass just like the one the old Mystery Incorporated used as their symbol. It's centered around Destroido.
:'''Daphne''': Cute little moo cows turned into horrible monsters. There's only one mind evil enough to come up with something like that.
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma, Daphne and Fred''': Professor Pericles.
:'''Daphne''': Velma, is there anyway we can spy on the old Mystery Incorporated? Didn't you say Hot Dog Water hooked us up somehow at Destroido?
:'''Velma''': I almost forgot. Hot Dog Water left us a back door into the Destroido security system when she was there stealing the Planispheric Disk pieces.
:'''Fred''': Can you get more volume?
:(''Velma gets the high volume of the laptop'')
:'''Ricky''': ''You have gone too far this time, Pericles. Too far!'' (''The next scene depicts the conversation of Ricky (Mr. E) and Professor Pericles'') This macabre herd of skull cattle you've created is costing millions of Destroido's money. '''''My''''' money. And I currently have 28 of my best scientists listed as presumed missing.
:'''Scientist''': (''heard in the other room'') No, NO! AAAAAHH!
:'''Ricky''': Make that 29.
:'''Pericles''': Ricky, one cannot make a genius omelet without breaking a few worthless eggs. Right, Brad and Judy?
:'''Brad''': You said it, Professor Pericles.
:'''Judy''': He's a genius, right, Brad?
:'''Brad''': He sure is, Judy. He sure is.
:'''Pericles''': And make no mistake, Ricky, I will break any egg that gets in my way: Ed Machine, Cassidy Williams, or perhaps even you. My herd of skull cattle is perfect in every way. I have crossbred cows, piranhas, and bees to create ultimate monsters. And I'm their master. My precious creations exist for one purpose: ''to devour Crystal Cove.'' My herd of male drones shall level this city to the ground, leaving nowhere for the Mystery kinder to hide the Planispheric Disk.
:(''The next scene depicts that the gang listened Pericles's evil plan'')
:'''Shaggy''': Like, he's gonna destroy Crystal Cove!
:'''Fred''': Come on, gang. We have to warn the town.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Gang, this is all our fault.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Isn't it always?
:'''Daphne''': Maybe we should just give Pericles the Planispheric Disk.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, no way. A treasure beyond all imagining in the clutches of an evil psychotic parrot?
:'''Velma''': Would be devastating on a global scale. Shaggy's right. There has to be another way.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Well, you Mystery dorks better decide quick because those nasty cow thingies sealed off the town completely.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pericles''': Soon Crystal Cove will cease to exist and the Planispheric Disk shall be ''mine.'' THEN no one will ever stand in my way AGAIN. (''laughs'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Nettles''': All the roads leading in and out of the city have been eaten. They're cutting us off.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Perhaps as-- as-- a species our time is over. It's evolution, people. We should all submit to the herd. I think I'll see if they're hiring any Sheriffs.
:'''Mayor Nettles''': Bronson, although I find your immediate surrender oddly endearing, you're not going anywhere. Kids, there must be a way to stop these things.
:'''Daphne''': I think I have it. It's all the little pieces, all the clues. Especially the fact that Professor Pericles referred to all the skull cattle as male drones. And then there's the sweet cheese.
:'''Shaggy''': I think I see where you're going with this, Daph. If Scooby and I can eat all that honey sweet cheese, those things will starve and we'll save the town.
:'''Scooby''': Count me in. I'm ready to eat my way to victory.
:'''Daphne''': That's not what I was thinking. They're like bees. The herd is all male drones. So there must be a queen in the cow hive at Destroido.
:'''Velma''': Daphne, that's so genius I should have thought of it. They'll be totally protective of their queen. If we could capture the queen cow...
:'''Fred''': We could use her to lead the herd away from the town.
:'''Mayor Nettles''': Saving Crystal Cove.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': I don't know. I don't know. I think my plan of letting the herd enslave humanity ''is pretty darn good.''
:'''Fred''': My fake father mayor dad used to keep a helicopter here at city hall.
:'''Mayor Nettles''': I still have it. Quick, it's our only chance.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Nettles''': You did it, kids. You saved the town.
:'''Daphne''': I feel a little sorry for those skull cattle. It's not their fault they're horrible genetically engineered mutations.
:'''Fred''': Look. (''The horrible herd rise in the ocean'') Those things are part fish, remember? They can swim.
:(''The horrible herd swim away from Crystal Cove'')
:'''Velma''': Whoa. What have we done?
:'''Shaggy''': You mean, like, other than release unnatural super predators into the ecosystem?
:'''Sheriff Stone''': It's best to just walk away from this one, kids. Just... walk... away.
:(''Everyone walk away from the horrible herd in the ocean'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Scooby and Shaggy are searching Nova'')
:'''Scooby''': Nova. Nova! Nova!
:'''Shaggy''': (''finds Nova lying on the ground'') Scooby-Doo, over there!
:(''Scooby grabs Nova alive and injured'')
:'''Scooby''': She's alive. Come on, we have to get her to the hospital.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pericles''': ''My'' plan, ruined by those '''meddling kinder.''' They will pay. All of them. They will ''pay''.

===Dance of the Undead===
:'''Martha Quinn''': Hang on. I've prepared a slideshow on every music group from the last 60 years. (''shows the gang with a slide projector'') Rude Boy and the Ska-tastics. Poor Rude Boy could never quite ride the fame train the way he wanted, so it's said that he turned to voodoo magic to further his career. He cast love spells on the audience. He cursed other bands. Once, he even cast an enchantment of never-ending pain on a synthesizer. Real crazy stuff. Rude Boy always said he would come back from the grave. And now, it looks like he has.
:'''Shaggy''': Zoinks!
:'''Scooby''': Doesn't anybody ever stay dead around here?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Nettles''': These citizens were found at the Tiki Tub. They're dancing, and they can't stop.
:'''Daphne''': That dance is called skanking. It's how you're meant to dance to ska music. And you said dance class was a waste of time.
:'''Velma''': Oy. Doctor, what's the prognosis?
:'''Doctor''': If we can't find a cure within 24 hours, they will dance themselves into a permanent cataleptic state. They will become zombies for the rest of their lives!
:(''The gang is shocked'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''The Zombies Rude Boy and the Ska-tastics arrive and play their hit at the top of City Hall'')
:'''Zombie Rude Boy''': (''laughs'')
:'''Fred''': It's Rude Boy!
:'''Velma''': Quick, cover your ears!
:(''Martha, Ian and the gang covered their ears except Shaggy and Scooby'')
:'''Zombie Rude Boy''': Dance!
:'''Martha Quinn''': We have to fight this MUSICALLY! We need ultimate POWER CHORD!
:(''Martha, Ian and the people start dancing unwittingly'')
:'''Fred''': I'm fighting it, but I can't resist their catchy use of Caribbean mento and calypso with American jazz and rhythm and blues!
:'''Daphne''': Shaggy, Scooby, why isn't it affecting you?
:'''Scooby''': I'm a dog. Music is just noise to us.
:'''Shaggy''': And, like, you've heard me sing. I'm totally tone deaf.
:'''Velma''': Shaggy! Scooby! You're our only hope! It's up to you to save the town! It's up to you to save us!
:(''Fred, Daphne and Velma start dancing. Shaggy and Scooby are shocked'')
:'''Shaggy''': Like, zoinks!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shaggy''': Like, what do we do, Scoob? Everyone in town is a total ska zombie, and we have to save them! But, like, we don't know anything about music!
:'''Scooby''': We don't, but we know people who do.
:'''Shaggy and Scooby''': (''watch the Hex Girls poster'') The Hex Girls!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': Now, let's see who's really behind the evil ska music. Rude Boy is actually... (''unmasks the Zombie Rude Boy'')
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma, Daphne and Fred''': Rude Boy?
:(''Shaggy, Daphne and Velma unmask the three Zombie Ska-tastics'')
:'''Ian Hope''': You're alive! But the plane crashed 30 years ago.
:'''Velma''': Was an elaborate hoax, wasn't it, Mr. Rude Boy?
:'''Rude Boy''': Oi. You blighters got it in for me, right. But yeah, we faked the whole bloomin' thing. All I ever wanted to do was play ska and be super rich and super famous. But apparently, it just wasn't in the tarot cards, maybe the fact that we only had one song had something to do with it. So me and ''me'' mates, the Ska-tastics here, we decided we'd fake our own deaths. Then, we could write the perfect song and return to take the music world by storm.
:'''Martha Quinn''': I don't understand, Rude Boy. Why did you wait 30 years to make a comeback?
:'''Rude Boy''': Ah, don't be such a muppet, Martha Quinn. We planned to be only gone one year, but writing the perfect song took bloomin' forever. By the time we'd cracked it, ska wasn't popular anymore. But everyone loves the undead. So, we began dressing as zombie mogs, riding our undead scooters and wearing polycarbonite-lined skull masks to hide our identity.
:'''Velma''': So, in the end, desperate for success, Rude Boy and the Ska-tastics unleashed a dancing plague on the world using an inharmonic chord with special frequencies designed to induce post-hypnotic suggestion to sell their music.
:'''Fred''': Just as I thought, but didn't say. Dance them away, Sheriff. We are done here.
:(''Rude Boy and the Ska-tastics walk dancing into the police car'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Scooby is visiting Nova at the hospital'')
:'''Scooby''': Oh, Nova, it's getting weirder and weirder. Things aren't as easy to explain anymore. It feels like something is going to happen, something ''bad''. What do you think, Nova? (''watches the heart monitor and slowly, it stops'') Nova? Nova? (''Nova's eyes open and Scooby giggles and is surprised when she rises up'')
:'''Nova''': Nibiru. Nibiru is coming. (''lies back in bed and closes her eyes'')

===The Devouring===
:'''Scooby''': All the food is gone.
:'''Shaggy''': It ate, like, everything.
:'''Daphne''': What ''was'' that thing?
:'''Rick Spartan''': That is the Gluten Demon. If we don't stop it, it'll devour the entire food supply and starve us all, until there's nothing, and no one left alive in Crystal Cove.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': Now let's see who the Gluten Demon really is. (''unmasks the Gluten Demon'')
:'''Fred, Daphne, Velma, Cachinga and Rick Spartan''': Francilee Jackson!
:'''Velma''': Not a big surprise after the work that Cachinga, Daphne, and I did. Francilee's cooking show wasn't taped before a live audience. She made the tape herself, allowing her to work the special effects and adding in the Gluten Demon during editing.
:'''Cachinga''': Plus, her stage name is Francilee Jackson, but her birth certificate lists her as Agatha Juniper Schildenheimer.
:'''Daphne''': As AJS, she signed those manifests. She rented that secret warehouse.
:'''Velma''': And she has a strange food allergy to all things healthy. Which is why she reacted to Cachinga's salad lunch so insanely.
:'''Daphne''': The only thing we don't know is why.
:'''Francilee''': Oh, y'all, it's so simple. I needed a big comeback. After my cornbread recipe was revealed to have no corn in it, I was ruined. Ruined! My only chance was to open my own bakery where I could serve up my new breakout dish: The double bacon mayonnaise butter-stuffed pasta surprise with buttered bread sauce! Any cook worth their kosher sea salt knows the legend of the Gluten Demon. I dressed up like that and started destroying every restaurant in town so there'd be no competition when I opened mine. And I would have done it, too, been a huge success again, if it weren't for all y'all bread-hating health fanatics!
:'''Deputy''': That's it, boys. Let's roll her away.
:(''The 2 deputies roll Francilee to the police car'')
:'''Francilee''': (''the bowl rolls away from her'') My bowl! My precious bowl! NO! My bowl! It's mine! MINE!
:(''Daphne grabs the bowl'')
:'''Cachinga''': It's ancient maya by the look of it.
:'''Daphne''': (''reads the bowl'') ''TERCERO LLAVE''. It's the third key.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ricky''': So you see, Professor Pericles, it's over. You're not the boss here. I am. And you're out of the group.
:'''Pericles''': (''tortures Ricky with by pressing the remote control button on Cobra larvae'') Oh, Ricky, Ricky, my loyal Brad and Judy told me of your little mutiny. So, last night while you were asleep, I put mutated cobra larvae in your spine. Every time I press this button, a little venom is released. So, as you can see, or feel, I'm still very much in control. You do as ''I'' say. First, we steal the Planispheric Disk from the kinder, then ''we'' destroy them. (''laughs hysterically'') WE DESTROY THEM! (''laughs again'')

===Stand and Deliver===
:'''Fred''':  Now let's see who this mysterious woman stealer really is.
:(''Velma unmasks Dandy Highwayman'')
:'''Everyone''': The librarian?
:'''Shaggy''': Like, seriously? But you're not even British.
:'''Scooby''': I'm so confused. Why?
:'''Librarian''': It's simple, really. You spend a life reading about other people's exciting adventures and never, never, never have one of your own. It's awful. (''sadly'') I'm so lonely.
:'''Velma''': Jinkies. How did I miss that one?
:'''Librarian''': I never really had any friends growing up. All I had were my books. For years I stayed in my room and read about incredible adventures, other people's adventures. Then, I got an idea, I was going to become the Dandy Highwayman. I was going to be the king of adventures and adored by women everywhere. I studied how to do an English accent. I incorporated a motorcycle helmet into my costume's hat and practiced my motorcycle skills for hours and hours. Then, I discovered something unimaginable: the key to a woman's total admiration and devotion. All you have to do is pay attention to them when they're talking. CRAZY, isn't it? It wasn't until I started to moderate the book club that I learned how to listen. From there, I actually became interested in what women have to say. Before long, I was fully engaged in their desires and feelings. I was living in the ''dream''. And I would have gotten away with it, if it weren't for you meddling romance killers.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': I'm not buying it for a second. You put some kind of voodoo MAGIC SPELL on them, you did.
:'''Librarian''': Never. I just listened, that's all. Except when the going got tough. I had a little help. (''uncovers the earplugs'') These earplugs were the only magic I used.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': I knew it! I knew there was some kind of trick involved. Listening to women? Who ever heard of such a thing?!
:(''Mayor Nettles and Daphne arrive'')
:'''Daphne''': Jeepers! The librarian? I kind of feel bad for him. You know, he never really abducted the wives. They said they went with him willingly because he was mysteriously charming and--
:'''Sheriff Stone''': We know, we know. The whole listening and paying attention thing. We get it already. Whatever.
:(''Sheriff Stone and deputy take the Librarian into custody'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Scooby is in the strange dream'')
:'''Scooby''': Ohh!
:'''Dancing Man''': Scooby-Doo, your time has come. She is here.
:(''Nova arrives'')
:'''Scooby''': Nova?
:'''Nova''': I am not Nova. I've only borrowed her body so that I may bring you an urgent message. Scooby-Doo, your life is in danger.
:'''Scooby''': Huh?
:'''Nova''': I am of the Anunnaki, interdimensional beings that visit the planet earth every few thousand years. We arrive at a time call Nibiru, when the barriers between our worlds grow weak. The Anunnaki have a great history of helping humans, but we have no physical form and must inhabit animals. This is why some animals, our descendants, can talk and others cannot. But not all Anunnaki are kind and good. There are evil ones. And the most evil one of all is imprisoned beneath Crystal Cove and must not be set free. You must undo it, Scooby-Doo. Undo it all. Save yourself. Save your friends. Save the world.
:(''Scooby wakes up in the real world'')
:'''Scooby''': Hmm? Hmm? Duh! The cursed treasure is evil. Evil! We have to destroy it!
:(''Velma, Fred, Daphne and Shaggy look at Scooby, a bit shocked'')

===The Man in the Mirror===
:'''Mayor Nettles''': Sorry to bother you so early, kids. But the neighbors have been calling in constantly with reports of unearthly moaning, inhuman howling, blood curling screams...
:'''Shaggy''': In other words, same old same old.
:'''Fred''': You can count on us, Mayor Nettles.
:'''Daphne''': We'll see if there's anything mysterious going on here.
:'''Mayor Nettles''': (''leaves'') Thanks, kids.
:'''Velma''': Come on, come on, let's go! Let's get this over with.
:'''Fred''': After we're finished here, we need to relocate the Planispheric Disk.
:'''Scooby''': We'll do it.
:'''Shaggy''': Good idea, Scoob. Yeah, you and I will re-hide the disc while you guys check out the scary house.
:'''Daphne''': You're out of luck, Shaggy. Remember? Fred hid the Disk last time. And he's the only one who knows where it is.
:'''Velma''': Oy, can we hurry? Please?
:'''Fred''': Okay, let's get started. But first, well gang, it looks like we got another...
:'''Daphne''': Mystery on our hands! Oh, Fred, we're such soul mates. We're finishing each other's sentences.
:'''Fred''': Come on, let's...
:'''Shaggy, Velma and Scooby''': Split up and look for clues?
:(''The gang splits'')
:'''Shaggy''': Like, I guess that means we're ''all'' soul mates, haha.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Fred finds a strange mirror'')
:'''Fred''': Aaah! Ugh. Look at those creepy eyes! And that disgusting yellow hair! And the horrible tentacle around its neck! Makes me wanna hork. Oh. (''looks his reflection'') It's me! Phew, that was close. (''tries to leave but his reflection moves differently, he noticed, then moves to make reflection normal'') Hmm. (''turns around and his reflection pulls him into the mirror'') AAAAAAAAHHHH!! (''drops his lantern'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Evil Fred''': Hello, friends.
:'''Daphne''': Oh, Freddie. Thank goodness.
:'''Evil Fred''': This place was a total bust. Nothing scary here. So let's get to school before we're late. Punctuality is an important facet of learning. Right, Daphne?
:'''Daphne''': Um, right, Fred.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Fred wakes up in a destroyed and apocalyptic version of Crystal Cove'')
:'''Fred''': (''looks at the mirror'') What happened? (''leaves the destroyed house'') Gang? Gang! Daphne! (''tries to call Daphne in his cell phone and reads'') &quot;No Signal Anywhere!&quot;. (''walks the destroyed Crystal Cove street'') Anybody! Hello! Hellooooo! (''finds skeletons anywhere'') No. No! This is all wrong. Crystal Cove has much greener lawns and fewer skeletons. Velma! Shaggy! Scooby Doo, where are you?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the present version of Crystal Cove'')
:'''Scooby''': (''whimpering'')
:'''Evil Fred''': Does the dog need walking?
:'''Scooby''': I walk myself, Fred.
:'''Evil Fred''': (''shows the Canine Grumpets'') Perhaps you would enjoy a canine crumpet.
:'''Scooby''': Hmm. That is not a Scooby snack, Fred. Humph!
:'''Evil Fred''': What difference does it make? (''Scooby is shocked'') I'm sure they all taste the same.
:'''Scooby''': (''grumbling'') You eat them, then.
:'''Evil Fred''': What was that, Scoobert?
:'''Scooby''': Uh, nothing. Nothing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the apocalyptic version of Crystal Cove'')
:'''Fred''': (''finds the Mystery Machine'') There! (''hugs it'') Ahh! There she is! (''looks the Mystery Machine's wreckage'') I don't understand any of this. What happened to Crystal Cove? What happened to the people? What happened to your groovy paintjob? (''Mystery Machine's door falls down and Fred finds the Mr. Traples half ruined'') Mr. Traples. What happened here? Please, tell me what's going on. (''finds the clothes of Velma and Shaggy in the floor'') Velma. Shaggy. Scooby. They're... They're... Oh, no. No. It's impossible. How could it get any worse? (''The green scarf appears and flies in front of Fred'') Daphne's scarf. No! It can't be! It can't be true! DAPHNE! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Fred is sitting outside the destroyed City Hall'')
:'''Fred''': (''sadly'') Daphne.
:'''Unknown woman''': Fred?
:'''Fred''': Cut it out, Mr. Traples. It's not funny you imitating Daphne like that.
:'''Unknown woman''': Freddie, is that really you?
:'''Fred''': Daphne?
:'''Old Daphne''': (''shows up'') Fred, where have you been?
:'''Fred''': (''shocked'') Aah!
:'''Old Daphne''': Oh, Freddie, don't look at me. I'm hideous!
:'''Fred''': Daphne, is... is that really you?
:'''Old Daphne''': Of course it's me, silly. And ''jeepies'', you found my scarf. (''puts the scarf on her neck'') I've been looking all over for this.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': I still don't understand. I came out of that mirror and everything had changed. Why is everyone a skeleton and why are you--
:'''Old Daphne''': Do I really look so awful, Freddie?
:'''Fred''': Uh... no.
:'''Old Daphne''': When you didn't come back, something went crazy with the Planispheric Disk. Velma said it created a vortex around Crystal Cove and sped up time here. We searched everywhere for it. You hid it too well. Decades whirred by in weeks. Everyone aged quickly and one by one, turned to dust until only I was left.
:'''Fred''': I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I... I'm just a really good hider.
:'''Old Daphne''': You've got to change it back. Right up till the end, Velma said the Planispheric Disk could reverse the process. Where did you hide it, Freddie? We have to get that disk.
:'''Fred''': Then that's what we'll do. Daphne, Mr. Traples, load up. We've got a future to change.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Old Daphne''': The F-F-Fearatorium Food Emporium. Shaggy and Scooby loved this place. It was hidden here the whole time?
:'''Fred''': Yep. Come on.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the present version of Crystal Cove'')
:'''Evil Fred''': Everybody out.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, this is more like it. (''chuckles'') The F-F-Fearatorium Food Emporium makes me, like, f-f-famished.
:'''Scooby''': Yeah, yeah, yeah.
:'''Evil Fred''': (''grabs Shaggy and Scooby hardly'') What's wrong with you two? You're like bottomless pits. We're not here to indulge your munchies. We're here for that Planispheric Disk.
:'''Daphne''': Freddie, you're the one who hid it here. I don't understand why you don't know where it is.
:'''Evil Fred''': Oh, you don't understand? Intellect isn't your strong suit, huh? What about you? Got any smarts in there behind those eye goggles?
:'''Velma''': Hmmph.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the apocalyptic version of Crystal Cove'')
:'''Old Daphne''': Freddie, we've looked everywhere. It's not here.
:'''Fred''': Hey, wait a minute. You're right. This wasn't the last place I hid the disk. The trip through the mirror must have jangled my memory. Now I remember.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the present version of Crystal Cove'')
:'''Evil Fred''': Never mind, change of plans. This isn't where I left it after all.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the apocalyptic version of Crystal Cove'')
:'''Old Daphne''': The Arcane-A-Rama Movieplex? You hid the disk here?
:'''Fred''': Sure. I would think you of all people would realize why this place would be so important to me, don't you, Daph?
:'''Old Daphne''': Because we had our first date here, Freddie.
:'''Fred''': I can always count on you to remember stuff like that. Come on.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the present version of Crystal Cove'')
:'''Evil Fred''': It's got to be here somewhere. Keep searching.
:'''Shaggy''': What's the score?
:'''Evil Fred''': The score, Norbert, is that we're gonna find that disk tonight.
:'''Shaggy''': I meant the score to the baseball game. That you're listening to. On that thingymabob.
:'''Evil Fred''': Heh. I knew that.
:'''Velma''': It's not Norbert. It's Norville. And nobody calls him that. It's always Shaggy.
:'''Evil Fred''': I suggest less nitpicking and more searching. (''talks through headphone'') Wait. What? It's not here. Get back in the van.
:(''Scooby thinks Fred is crazy'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the apocalyptic version of Crystal Cove'')
:'''Old Daphne''': The kennel of the horrible hounds?
:'''Fred''': Shaggy used to board Scooby here when he and his folks went on vacations. I'm pretty sure I put the Planispheric Disk here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the present version of Crystal Cove'')
:'''Velma''': Fred, this is all very bizarre.
:'''Evil Fred''': You don't know the meaning of the word, child. (''grunts'') I just remembered where I actually hid the disk.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the apocalyptic version of Crystal Cove'')
:'''Fred''': Here we are. This time for sure.
:'''Old Daphne''': The education board of Crystal Cove? Why? That's so random.
:'''Fred''': I'm surprised at you, Daphne. Education is very important to me. Isn't it, Mr. Traples? (''plays with Mr. Traples'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the present version of Crystal Cove'')
:'''Evil Fred''': I don't know. Look in all the desks, I guess. I'll check out the superintendent's office. (''leaves the gang'')
:'''Velma''': Gang, something is definitely wrong here. (''writes the blackboard with chalk'') I mean, is it me or is Fred acting even stranger than usual?
:'''Scooby, Shaggy and Daphne''': It's not you.
:'''Velma''': Maybe if we can retrace our steps, we'll see a pattern. (''writing'') F-F-Fearatorium Food Emporium. Arcane-A-Rama Movieplex. Kennel of the horrible hounds. Education board of Crystal Cove. (''marks the first and second 4 letters from top to bottom'')
:'''Daphne''': &quot;Fake Fred&quot;?
:'''Velma''': I knew it.
:'''Scooby''': Then who is he?
:'''Shaggy''': And who sent the message?
:'''Velma''': My guess? The real Fred. Wherever he is, he's probably in life-threatening peril.
:'''Daphne''': And in the clutches of some hideous creature.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the apocalyptic version of Crystal Cove'')
:'''Old Daphne''': Where is it, Fred? Where is it?
:'''Fred''': Take it easy, Daph .At least we now know it's not here.
:'''Old Daphne''': You don't understand, Fred. We have to find that disk now. It's almost midnight. They'll be waking up soon.
:'''Fred''': What? Who?
:(''The skeletons rise themselves'')
:'''Old Daphne''': The skeletons. The skeletons walk after midnight. Run!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Old Daphne''': Fred Jones, you remember every trap you ever built. Why can't you remember where you hid the most important relic in the universe?
:'''Fred''': Trap. That's it. Now I remember. (''starts the engine of wrecked Mystery Machine'') It's at the old abandoned factory.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the present version of Crystal Cove'')
:'''Evil Fred''': Aha! Now that's more like it.
:'''Shaggy''': Should I just keep driving around in circles, Mr. Fred? Oh, sir? (''drives the Mystery Machine in a circle'')
:'''Evil Fred''': No, the old abandoned factory, hippie. And floor it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the apocalyptic version of Crystal Cove'')
:'''Old Daphne''': This isn't the way to the factory.
:'''Fred''': I'm willing to bet it's the way to the factory. The real factory.
:'''Old Daphne''': (''a bit disappointed'') Fred, we're headed straight for that wall. It's solid brick!
:'''Fred''': Is it, or is it...
:(''Fred accelerates faster the Mystery Machine into the wall'')
:'''Old Daphne''': Aah! Uhh!
:(''The Mystery Machine breaks through the fake wall'')
:'''Fred''': Fake. As fake as everything else in the old abandoned Crystal Cove movie studio. And as fake as you, Daphne.
:'''Old Daphne''': How...How did you know?
:'''Fred''': Two big ones. The real Daphne would never forget that our first date was at the Trap Expo 3000. But the biggest mistake was right at the start.
:'''Old Daphne''': What?
:'''Fred''': You said jeepies. Daphne says jeepers. Velma says jinkies. Nobody says jeepies. I mean, that's just plain silly. Once I knew you were fake, I figured Crystal Cove must be phony, too. It could only be the old movie studio made to look like a ruined town, complete with animatronics skeletons. Obviously this was all about the location of the Planispheric Disk. Convincing me that I needed to save my friends from a post-apocalyptic future was the most obvious way to get me to tell you where I hid it. It's exactly what I would have done.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In Steelco Industries, the gang and Evil Fred arrived'')
:'''Evil Fred''': Fan out. Search every inch of this place until we find that disk.
:'''Shaggy''': Well, like, if you remember hiding it here, like, dude, where is it?
:'''Evil Fred''': Well, the exact location slipped my mind. (''leaves the gang to search the Planispheric Disk alone'')
:'''Velma''': We can't let that fake Fred get his hands on the Planispheric Disk.
:'''Scooby''': What do we do?
:'''Shaggy''': Like, we do what the real Fred would do. We trap him.
:'''Velma''': Agreed. But it's got to be before he gets his hands on...
:'''Evil Fred''': The Planispheric Disk. I found it! I found it!
:'''Velma''': Okay, never mind.
:'''Daphne''': Now that you've got it, what are you going to do with it? Fake Fred.
:'''Evil Fred''': Ahh, well done. You finally figured out I'm an imposter. So what? I'm taking the Planispheric Disk, and who's going to stop me? You? You?
:'''Fred''': NO! (''arrives'') Me. I mean you. Me. I mean me. You me. I-- Aw, heck. You get the idea. (''starts fighting Evil Fred'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Don't just stand there, Shaggy. Get in there and help Fred.
:'''Shaggy''': Which one?
:'''Daphne''': Uh, the good one.
:'''Old Daphne''': (''shows up'') Be careful, Fred. Don't hurt him.
:(''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma and Daphne look at Old Daphne'')
:'''Daphne''': AAAAHH! NO! NO!
:'''Scooby''': (''to Old Daphne'') Daphne, you look terrible. You should get more sleep.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Evil Fred''': (''takes the Planispheric Disk'') I'll never give up this disk. You'll never beat me.
:'''Fred''': (''throws the chain to Evil Fred's legs'') I don't need to beat you. I just need you to stay put.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Evil Fred''': Get me out of this. He's the fake.
:'''Shaggy''': They're, like, identical, right down to the ascot.
:'''Scooby''': Which one's the real Fred?
:'''Daphne''': (''to Evil Fred'') Freddie, how do you feel about me?
:'''Evil Fred''': What do you mean? You're my love, Daphne. I'm crazy about you.
:'''Daphne''': (''to Fred'') And you?
:'''Fred''': Uh, gosh. Gee, Daph, you know, I-- well, I guess aside from traps and solving mysteries, um... er, my stomach's getting hurty.
:'''Daphne''': Oh, Freddie. It's you! (''kisses Fred'')
:(''Velma shuts down the magnetic machine, Evil Fred and Fred fall down to the floor'')
:'''Evil Fred''': Well, if you're so smart, then who am I really?
:'''Fred''': You're one of the most heartless criminals Mystery Inc. has ever faced. Aren't you, dad? (''tries to unmask Evil Fred but realizes it's not a mask'') 
:'''Evil Fred/Brad''': Ow! It's not a mask, you imbecile. I had plastic surgery to look like you. You would have spotted a mask too quickly.
:'''Fred''': I don't know what you think you were doing. You're supposed to be my father. But how could you try to impersonate me when you know absolutely nothing about me?
:'''Velma''': If he's Brad, that makes you Fred's sneaky criminal mom, Judy. (''tries to unmask Old Daphne but realizes it's not a mask either'')
:'''Old Daphne/Judy''': Ouch! Watch it. I had plastic surgery, too.
:'''Velma''': I know.
:'''Shaggy''': Brad Chiles and Judy Reeves? (''chuckles'') But, like, why?
:'''Scooby''': Yeah. Why?
:'''Brad''': For the treasure. What else? It was the genius mind of Professor Pericles that thought up the whole plan. Wasn't it, Judy?
:'''Judy''': That's right, Brad. While we went under the knife, Professor Pericles had Mr. E arrange for the Crystal Cove studio to be changed into an exact replica of the town.
:'''Brad''': Except more end of the world-ish, obviously.
:'''Velma''': I hate to be the one to point this out, but that's just crazy.
:'''Pericles''': (''shows up'') Is it, Velma? Or is it so brilliant you cannot begin to fathom its true genius?
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Daphne, Velma and Fred''': Professor Pericles?
:'''Fred''': You failed, Professor. You'll never get your filthy talons on this disk.
:'''Pericles''': On the contrary, Frederick. You are going to hand it over to me, along with my associates, your dear parents, or else I will destroy the one thing you care about most.
:'''Shaggy''': Zoinks!
:'''Daphne''': (''2 Kriegstaffebots grab her'') Freddie!
:'''Fred''': Fine. You win. Take it.
:'''Pericles''': Excellent. (''takes the Planispheric Disk'') ''Auf Wiedersehen'', you beautiful kinder.
:(''2 Kriegstaffebots throw Daphne into Fred and leave'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Freddie, I'm so sorry. Pericles got away with the disk because I got grabbed by robots.
:'''Fred''': Don't worry, Daph. The important thing is that you're back safe and sound. And you look good again.
:'''Scooby''': Only now, Pericles has the Planispheric Disk.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Pericles places the Planispheric Disk in a special location in Destroido'')
:'''Pericles''': I'm coming for you, master. I'm coming to set you free.

===Nightmare in Red===
:'''Fred''': Now let's see who this Monstrous Freak really is.
:(''The Monstrous Freak weakened by a light transforms into conquistador'')
:'''Fred''': It's...it's... Who is that?
:'''Velma''': If I'm not mistaken, it's El Aguirre, the captain of the Spanish conquistadors.
:'''Daphne''': El Aguirre? But why?
:'''Fernando El Aguirre''': ''La pura verdad'', the truth is simple. I did not want you to discover how to destroy the Evil Entity buried deep beneath Crystal Cove, in its ''Caja Demonio''.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, that doesn't make any sense. I thought you'd be the first person who'd want that thing destroyed.
:'''Fernando El Aguirre''': No! Do you not see? If you destroy the Entity, myself and my men will be set free from this ENDLESS CURSE. We should never be set free. We must pay for all the horrible atrocities we committed while in service to the Entity.
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma, Daphne and Fred''': Oh.
:'''Fernando El Aguirre''': I can still hear their screaming. All the screams of the innocent ones. No. No! We must pay forever! We can never be set free!
:'''Shaggy''': Okay. Like, the old Spanish dude is a little ''loco'' in the ''cabeza''.
:'''Annunaki Nova''': Do not fret. All can be undone. All can be forgiven.
:'''Dancing Man''': Yes. Yes, all can be forgiven.
:'''Fred''': That reminds me. Uh, be right back.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the real world'')
:'''Professor Horatio''': They're not gonna make it. I'll never be whole again. It's over. All over! (''sobbing'') Unless...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the dream'')
:'''Annunaki Nova''': It was centuries of your Earth time ago. They called themselves Ma Cuben Sun Macul, which means the Hunters of Secrets. They were the original group manipulated by the Evil Entity. There were more to follow. The evil one has forever been manipulating hapless souls throughout history in hopes they would set him free from his crystal sarcophagus. The Mystery Incorporated that preceded yours, the Darrow Family's Mystery Fellowship, the Benevolent Lodge of Mystery, the Mystery Gang with their bull Tiny, the Alianzo Mysterio and their pet skunk El Fuchy, and Fraternitas Mysterium. Always 4 humans and an animal. The Mayan group of friends, the Hunters of Secrets, were the very first. They were the most pure. They realized they were being manipulated and instead of setting the evil one free, they were about to destroy it with the '''Heart of the Jaguar'''. Alas, they were interrupted by El Aguirre and his men who came and took the crystal sarcophagus away thinking it to be a great treasure.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the real world'')
:'''Professor Horatio''': You're the smart one, Velma. It's time to go. Give my other half the talisman. Complete the bridge and I can bring you all home. Velma, listen! Hear me! Time's up!
:(''In the dream'')
:'''Velma''': (''moving the talisman'') Jinkies! We're out of time!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Fred and Daphne go to Sitting room'')
:'''Fred''': (''touches the shoulder of Fred Jones Sr.'') I want you to know that whatever happened, I'm not really mad at you. Despite the whole stealing me as an innocent baby and lying to me my entire life, you were a great dad. I forgive you. You've always been and still are the only real father I've ever know.
:'''Fred Jones Sr.''': Leaping late lilies, Fred. I am so proud of you. Even if you don't break the spell, even if you can't turn it all around by destroying that Evil Entity, I want you to know that having you as my son was the absolute best part of my life. You were always the best part of me.
:(''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma and Dancing Man arrive'')
:'''Velma''': Freddie, we have to go.
:'''Shaggy''': Yeah, like, time's up. If we don't leave now, we don't leave ever.
:(''Velma gives the talisman to Dancing Man'')
:'''Dancing Man''': Ha ha ha! I am going home. Ha ha ha!
:(''The gang takes each member's hands in circle'')
:'''Annunaki Nova''': Find the Heart of the Jaguar, Scooby-Doo. It is the only way you shall defeat the evil that is buried deep beneath Crystal Cove. Use the Heart of the Jaguar.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the real world, the gang wakes up'')
:'''Professor Horatio''': (''receives the best part of Dancing Man'') I'm whole again. I'm whole! And I couldn't have done it without you meddling kids. You beautiful, brave, wonderful meddling kids! (''dances'')
:'''Velma''': Jinkies. After all we've been through, only to find out that we've been manipulated by some Evil Entity? Is that the only reason we're together?
:'''Shaggy''': Like, yeah. Maybe we don't even like each other.
:'''Fred''': Gang, wh-- what are we gonna do?
:'''Scooby''': The Heart of the Jaguar. We have to find the Heart of the Jaguar.

===Dark Night of the Hunters===
:'''Shaggy''': It's time to see who this ancient jade mask wearing weirdo really is. (''unmasks Priestess'')
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma, Daphne and Fred''': Professor Andelusossa?
:'''Angie Dinkley''': Enrique!
:'''Velma''': He was staring us in the face all along. When the men in the village thought I was my mom, it was clear that no one was able to forget her over all these years. Then there were the vines. This plant isn't native to the Yucatan. Only someone with a background in gardening could have cultivated it and made it grow so quickly. Professor Andelusossa's first job was as a gardener. Finally, the vines on the boat had been tied to the wheel. The boat had been scuttled to make it look like the Professor had been attacked.
:'''Angie Dinkley''': But why, Enrique?
:'''Prof. Andelusossa''': For love. Angie, when you left me that summer decades ago, you took my heart with you. Every night seems like I dreamed of you. When you called asking about the Heart of the Jaguar, I knew it was my only chance to lure you back, and find out if you still cared for me.
:'''Fred''': So you decided to test her love by crushing her with fast-growing killer plants! Wow. That's exactly what I would have done.
:'''Daphne''': Oh, Freddie. That's so romantic. In your usual, unique kind of way.
:'''Prof. Andelusossa''': And I would have gotten away with it, too, if... (''sighs'') if you had really loved me.
:'''Angie Dinkley''': Oh, Enrique, sweetie, that was all years ago. There's only one man I ever truly loved, and that's my husband, Mr. Dinkley.
:'''Mrs. Andelusossa''': (''arrives'') Enrique, you are not a man! You're a fool! (''spits saliva to Fred's head'')
:'''Fred''': Daw! Ugh!
:'''Mrs. Andelusossa''': Mrs. Dinkley, you have won. You can have him!
:'''Angie Dinkley''': But I don't want him.
:'''Unknown woman''': (''arrives'') Then I'll take him!
:'''Angie, Mrs. Andelusossa and Prof. Andelusossa''': Huh?!
:'''Daphne''': Who are you?
:'''Unknown woman''': Tomina Kasanski. Call sign: Ice princess. I've been tracking you ever since you left Crystal Cove.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, why?
:'''Mayor Nettles''': (''arrives'') Because I asked her to.
:'''Fred and Daphne''': Huh?
:'''Angie Dinkley''': Huh?
:'''Scooby''': Mayor Nettles?
:'''Mayor Nettles''': Lieutenant Kasanski is an old friend of mine from Fighter Weapons School. (''she and Tomina Kasanski clapped their hands'')
:'''Velma''': But why are you following us?
:'''Mayor Nettles''': Well, it's kind of embarrassing, but three days ago, I had a nightmare that told me you were in trouble and that I had to come to the Yucatan to help you get some spear thingie.
:'''Scooby''': The Heart of the Jaguar.
:'''Mayor Nettles''': Yeah, that! I'm supposed to help you get it back over the border and home to Crystal Cove.
:'''Velma''': Okay, that's it. I give up.
:'''Tomina Kasanski''': Grab your prisoner and let's haul. I got a c130 waiting in an air strip 30 clicks from here. (''takes Prof. Andelusossa into custody'')
:'''Fred''': Well, gang, let's go home. We have an Evil Entity to destroy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angie Dinkley''': Dear, is something wrong?
:'''Velma''': Well, it's just that, everything that's been happening lately, I've always thought I could count on logic; deductive reasoning, facts. But all that's gone. I never believed in the supernatural like you did, and...
:'''Angie Dinkley''': Oh, sweetie, you were never wrong. Believe in yourself. Everything will work out just fine. (''Velma hugs her'') Now, come on. I've been wearing the same girdle for five days in the jungle, and I really need to get a change of clothes.

===Gates of Gloom===
:(''The gang and Mayor Nettles drive the Mystery Machine in the city, with no people and the damaged freeway'')
:'''Daphne''': What happened to the street?
:'''Fred''': It looks like some kind of earthquake.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, zoinks. Where is everybody?
:(''Sheriff Stone runs to the Mystery Machine, scared, Fred stops driving'')
:'''Sheriff Stone''': THEY'RE GONE! EVERYONE! GOOOOOONE!
:(''Everyone is shocked'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': Focus, people. There are lives at stake. Something has taken my mom and the rest of Crystal Cove.
:'''Scooby''': It even took my Nova from the hospital.
:'''Daphne''': What kind of horrible monster would snatch a sweet little dog in a coma?
:'''Scooby''': I know. Nova! Nova! (''sobbing'')
:'''Shaggy''': Quick, Scoob. Drown your sorrows in this pint of triple fudge cookie dough caramel chip. (''gives the cookie to Scooby'')
:'''Scooby''': Thanks, Raggy. I needed that.
:'''Velma''': As I was saying, I suspect this mystery is connected to the Evil Entity buried under Crystal Cove.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, hold on. You said you didn't buy into all this stuff.
:'''Velma''': Well, I ''still'' don't. But my mom helped me see the light and be more open. Maybe this is all science fiction, but a lot of science fiction turns out to be science fact. They laughed at Jules Verne when he wrote about submarines and going to the moon.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, they used submarines to go to the moon?
:'''Scooby''': I guess so.
:'''Velma''': One thing is clear, this isn't the boogeyman, a vampire, werewolves, or an evil leprechaun. This is an extra dimensional intelligent being we're facing. It's real.
:'''Shaggy''': Wow, Velm. Like, that must have been some talk with your mom.
:'''Velma''': It made me remember that the advanced sciences have long accepted the possibility of other dimension. Now I guess things have gotten a lot less theoretical.
:'''Daphne''': So you think having the evil intelligence under Crystal Cove could be why this town that is so weird?
:'''Velma''': Yes. And the weirdness is escalating (''turns on the projector'') because the time of Nibiru is upon us. I discovered that my computer model of the Planispheric Disk perfectly mirrors the planets in our solar system. You can see they're coming into direct alignment. Plus, there is a tenth planet: Planet &quot;X&quot;. It's getting closer, about to come into alignment behind Pluto. It will cause a massive gravitational disruption not seen in 5,000 years. The time of Nibiru happens in two days. And it's this disruption that makes the fabric between dimensions of time and space extremely weak. That's why the evil thing buried beneath Crystal Cove must be destroyed. We know that the Heart of the Jaguar is supposed to be able to destroy this Evil Entity and undo all of its evil.
:'''Fred''': We also know the Spanish conquistadors used the Planispheric Disk to map the Entity's double-triple secret location.
:'''Daphne''': Plus, the Planispheric Disk showed us the location of four keys.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, the old pistol, the helmet, the mortar bowl thingy, and a piece of old sail cloth.
:'''Daphne''': It feels like we know a lot and nothing at the same time.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, welcome to our world. (''chuckles'') Right, Scooby-Doo?
:'''Scooby''': Yeah, we also know nothing. And we love it.
:'''Shaggy and Scooby''': (''dancing'') We know nothing and we love it! Yeah! Ha! Yeah! Ha! We know nothing and we love it! Yeah! Ha! Yeah! Ha!
:(''The ground starts to shake'')
:'''Fred''': Shaggy, Scooby, stop! Don't move!
:(''The ground opens the hole'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': Good thing I had Jason Wyatt help me install this sound amplifying antenna in my binoculars. Let's listen in.
:'''Ricky''': ''There's been no sign of her for weeks.''
:(''The next scene depicts that Ricky is looking at the photo of Cassidy'')
:'''Judy''': Who are you looking for?
:'''Ricky''': Cassidy.
:'''Brad''': Maybe she finally gave up.
:'''Ricky''': No, she would never give up. She's gone.
:'''Pericles''': Of course she's gone. Anyone who crosses me gets ''eliminated.''
:'''Judy''': Um, Professor Pericles, you promised you would surgically alter me back to my stunning self by now. I'm so old like this. How long do you plan on making me suffer?
:'''Pericles''': I don't have time for such things. The treasure is almost within our grasp.
:'''Brad''': Besides, I'm the one who's suffering, not you, Judy.
:'''Judy''': How are you suffering, Brad?
:'''Brad''': Well, I'm the one who has to look at you all day, '''every day.'''
:'''Judy''': (''gasps'') That was very hurtful, Brad.
:'''Brad''': I'm sorry, Judy. I mean, ''grandma''.
:'''Judy''': Well, at least I'm not walking around with that outrageous chin, Bradley.
:'''Ricky''': Look at you, you're all coming unraveled. The closer we get to that treasure... (''The next scene depicts that the gang is hearing the conversation of the old gang with amplifying binoculars'') ''...the more the curse takes over. Cassidy was right. She was right all along.''
:'''Shaggy''': Like, the old Mystery Incorporated dudes are totally losing it.
:(''The next scene depicts that Pericles lights the lamp, pointing the Planispheric Disk'')
:'''Pericles''': Zeek! Zeek! Die Zeit wird kommen! The time has almost arrived. (''The lamp light passes through the holes in the Planispheric Disk pointing the right place'') Focus all the digging on that spot. Und Ricky, when the entrance is found, have my Kriegstaffebots destroy all the workers. They have outlived their usefulness.
:'''Ricky''': You monster! I'm not your trained monkey. I won't do it. I won't be a part of this madness anymore. (''Pericles tortures Ricky with by pressing the button on Cobra larvae'') Aah! Aah! Aah! Yes, pro--master. Whatever you command. I will-- have... (''The next scene depicts the gang is hearing Ricky's words, shocked'') ''...the Kriegstaffebots destroy them all. Not one person from Crystal Cove will be left alive.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': (''looks at the Mystery Machine spare wheel'') Oh, my gosh, gang. What have I done?
:'''Daphne''': What you had to do. What you always do. Turn traps into a fighting chance to live.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pericles''': All my years of searching to find this door! I have done it! It will lead us to the treasure and more. Soon, very soon, the world as we know it will never be the same again. Niemals! (''puts the Planispheric Disk in the gate, making it open'')
:'''Brad''': Professor, won't the kids just follow us in?
:'''Pericles''': Yes, they will. Und I need them too. I need Scooby-Doo. If I'm to take control of the great power below, the dog must be destroyed at just the right moment. Come! My destiny awaits. (''speaks in German to Kriegstaffebots'')
:(''The old gang and Kriegstaffebots enter the cave'')
:(''The gang keeps the artifacts including Heart of the Jaguar'')
:'''Fred''': All right, gang, now let's see where this uber mystery really leads. Ready?
:'''Daphne''': Ready.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, ready.
:'''Velma''': Ready.
:'''Scooby''': Professor Pericles is gonna regret the day he ever messed with ''Scooby-Dooby-Doo.''
:(''The gang enters the cave'')

===Through the Curtain===
:'''Evil Entity''': (''narrates'') Soon... soon I will be free! The time of the Nibiru is nearly at hand. The planets are coming into alignment, working toward my release, as are you. Even though you know it not, I forged you. You are my proudest creation. So come now, children of Nibiru. Be strong and set your master free so that I may bathe this world in ''fire''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brad''': Judy, I have to say, this dark cave is doing wonders for your complexion.
:'''Judy''': Really? It's so nice of you to notice. Thank you, Brad.
:'''Brad''': You're welcome, Judy. In this light, I can barely see your multitude of wrinkles and your mouth full of decaying teeth.
:'''Judy''': (''gasps'') That's it, Bradley! (''starts fighting Brad'')
:'''Pericles''': Stop it! You two are behaving like children.
:(''Kriegstaffebot grabs Judy after kicking Brad'')
:'''Ricky''': The cursed treasure is tearing us apart. I wish Cassidy were here to see you all go to pieces.
:'''Pericles''': Oh, Ricky, you always lacked the stomach for greatness. (''to everyone'') Forward! (''speaks in German'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': (''watching the old gang and Kriegstaffebots through binoculars'') They're on the move.
:(''The gang is walking after the old gang'')
:'''Shaggy''': Like, Scooby-Doo, old pal, this is it. (''grabs the burger sandwich from the backpack'')
:'''Scooby''': The last hamburger.
:'''Shaggy''': We've already eaten all of our snacks. I was saving this for an emergency.
:'''Scooby''': This ''is'' an emergency. That's the last hamburger. (''Shaggy eats the burger sandwich in half and he eats the other half'') Ahh. Looks like we're roughing it from here, Raggy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''The old gang and Kriegstaffebots came to the giant gate'')
:'''Pericles''': Beautiful (''speaks in German'')
:'''Brad''': I'm sorry to ask, Professor Pericles, but--
:'''Judy''': What are we waiting for?
:'''Pericles''': The kinder. I know they are out there following us. Give them a minute. They will soon understand their part in all this. But they must hurry. The planets are nearly in full alignment. The time of Nibiru is almost at hand.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Shaggy and Scooby are watching the giant gate through binoculars'')
:'''Shaggy''': Like, dig those crazy symbols on those Gigantico doors.
:'''Scooby''': (''terrified'') The dream world.
:'''Shaggy''': The what world?
:'''Velma''': The dream world. The keys. Everything we saw, it finally makes sense.
:'''Daphne''': Professor Karen did say that the dream world would show us what we needed to find.
:'''Fred''': And it showed each of us the keys.
:'''Velma''': And what they were for.
:'''Daphne''': The fourth key is the element of air.
:'''Scooby''': The third key is the element of Earth.
:'''Fred''': The second key is the element of water.
:'''Velma''': And the first key is the element of fire. Each one of the 4 keys opens a gate leading down. That first gate is covered with alchemy symbols for air.
:'''Daphne''': But if that's the first gate, why is it attached to the fourth key?
:'''Fred''': Because it's in reverse.
:'''Shaggy''': Of course it is. Like, why would any of this make sense?
:'''Velma''': It makes perfect sense, Shaggy. We're working outside in. (''shows the 4 keys from the backpack'') This is the fourth gate. The next one will be the third. And then the second. And then ultimately the first.
:'''Daphne''': And then... the Evil Entity.
:(''Shaggy and Scooby are shuddering'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pericles''': (''watches the pocket clock'') All right, you Mystery Incorporated. I know you're out there and you have the key.
:(''The gang hides behind the rock'')
:'''Ricky''': Even if the Mystery Incorporated kids are out there, what makes you think you can make them do what you want?
:'''Pericles''': (''chuckles'') Because, my dear Ricky, everyone has their weakness. (''speaks German'')
:(''Kriegstaffebot grabs Marcie out of trunk as a hostage'')
:'''Velma''': Marcie! No!
:'''Pericles''': Good kinder. Now, come cooperate and I will not harm the Hot Dog Water.
:'''Fred''': (''looks at the fourth key'') I'll do it. I'll go.
:'''Daphne''': No, we all go together. No splitting up. Never again.
:(''Fred smiles at Daphne'')
:(''The gang walks near the first gate'')
:'''Fred''': Mom, dad.
:'''Brad and Judy''': Son.
:'''Pericles''': Ahh, the fourth key. I know you had found them. Here, allow my Kriegstaffebots to open the gate. It is very dangerous.
:(''Kriegstaffebot tries to take the fourth key'')
:'''Fred''': I don't need your help, Pericles.
:'''Pericles''': As you wish, Frederick.
:'''Fred''': (''to the gang'') If this gate is what I think it is, and I think it's a big fat trap, it might work in our favor. Hold on to something.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Marcie grabs Pericles hardly'')
:'''Pericles''': Ahh! What is the meaning of this? Put me down, you horrible girl.
:'''Marcie''': Not a chance, you nasty little monster. (''to Kriegstaffebots'') Move and the bird gets it.
:(''Marcie tightens Pericles in her arm'')
:'''Pericles''': (''to Kriegstaffebots'') (''speaks German'') Back off! No one move!
:'''Marcie''': You guys go. Do what you have to do. I've been trapped in that box long enough to hear everything Professor Creepy Bird has in mind. Find that Entity and destroy it. I'll hold them off as long as I can. Go. Now!
:'''Velma''': No, Marcie. I won't. I can't.
:'''Marcie''': You have to. The world needs you. Don't worry about me, V. I'll see you when this is over. (''The gang leaves Marcie, the old gang and Kriegstaffebots behind'') One more move and I pluck this ugly little chicken. (''takes Pericles's feathers'')
:'''Pericles''': Ow! (''to Kriegstaffebots'') Nein! Nein! Stop!
:'''Marcie''': Heh.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Marcie''': (''walks back with Pericles in her arm'') (''last words'') E, I guess I expected more from you.
:'''Ricky''': So did I, little girl. So did I.
:'''Brad''': (''gives Judy his belt'') It's all in your hands now, Judy.
:(''Judy uses Brad's belt as a whip to trip Marcie up, freeing Pericles'')
:'''Marcie''': Ow. (''groans'')
:'''Brad''': Silly child. We were springing impromptu traps before you were born.
:'''Judy''': That's right, Brad.
:'''Brad''': Thank you, Judy.
:(''Kriegstaffebots prepare to shoot Marcie with her last shocked look'')
:(''In the Air Dimension the Kriegstaffebots' guns sounded'')
:'''Scooby''': (''hears the sound of guns'') (''whimpers'')
:'''Velma''': (''sadly'') Come on, Scooby. We have to keep going.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ricky''': You make me sick, Pericles. I wish I had never saved you all those years ago.
:'''Pericles''': Hmm. Do I care? No.
:'''Ricky''': Maybe you should care.
:'''Pericles''': (''shows the remote control'') Perhaps you should care more about the poisonous cobra that I've implanted in your spine. ''Now'', let's move.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''The gang walks to the second gate'')
:'''Shaggy''': Like, the second gate.
:'''Fred''': (''looks at the balance rock'') Hmm... Somebody hand me the mortar bowl.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, Fred is really in his element here, huh?
:'''Daphne''': Pun intended.
:(''Shaggy gives Scooby the mortar bowl, then Scooby gives it to Fred'')
:'''Fred''': Earth.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''The gang walks to the third gate amid a wall of water'')
:'''Daphne''': The third gate.
:'''Velma''': And the second key. Water.
:'''Fred''': (''grabs the conquistador's helmet'') Looks like there's only one place to fill it up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shaggy''': Like, dudes, where are we?
:'''Daphne''': And for that matter, where the heck have we been for the last two keys?
:'''Velma''': We're traveling through different dimensions. An intriguing feature of string theory and advanced physics is that it predicts extra dimensions. In classical string theory, the number of dimensions is not fixed by any consistency criterion.
:'''Shaggy''': What is she talking about?
:'''Scooby''': You're asking me?
:'''Velma''': The Planispheric Disk not only maps 3-dimensional space, but the fourth dimension of time and beyond. Worlds between worlds.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, dude, that's all well and good...
:'''Scooby''': Even if we don't understand a word of it.
:'''Shaggy''': But, like, how are we gonna find the last gate?
:'''Scooby''': Yeah. All I see is water. Endless water!
:'''Velma''': Jinkies. Shaggy and Scooby are right.
:'''Daphne''': We're trapped in the middle of nowhere WITH NO WAY OUT!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pericles''': Looks like the kinder are having fun, and they're ''all'' still alive.
:'''Judy''': That's our Fred.
:'''Brad''': A chip off the old block.
:'''Judy''': Blockhead, more like.
:'''Brad''': Thank you, Judy. (''annoyed'') Hey!
:'''Ricky''': You're insane. ALL of you. None of us are going to make it out of this alive. NONE OF US! (''laughs'') And I'm glad.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shaggy''': I can't take it! I can't take it!
:'''Scooby''': It's okay, Raggy.
:'''Shaggy''': No, Scoob, it is not okay! We're totally lost at sea. No, wait. Correction! Lost on an interdimensional sea, alone and adrift between universes. Dudes, life is completely turned upside down.
:'''Velma''': Upside down. Shaggy Rogers, you're a genius.
:'''Shaggy''': Like...like, huh?
:'''Velma''': It's not up, it's down. The gate is down.
:'''Fred''': Oh. (''puts his head in the water and realizes that the next gate is below, then emerges'') Hey, look.
:(''Daphne, Scooby, Shaggy and Daphne put their heads in the water then emerge'')
:'''Daphne''': Jeepers. You think the fourth gate is down there?
:'''Fred''': Only one way to find out. Come on, gang. (''jumps into the water'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''The gang walks to the fourth gate'')
:'''Daphne''': The last gate.
:'''Fred''': This is it. We made it, gang.
:'''Velma''': I don't like what's waiting for us beyond that door.
:'''Scooby''': Evil.
:'''Shaggy''': Pure evil. That we must destroy with the Heart of the Jaguar.
:'''Scooby''': Let's get this done.
:'''Velma''': Wait. If things prove to be bigger than us, I just want to tell you guys--
:'''Daphne''': No. Nothing is bigger than us. It's the 5 of us. We can do this ''together''.
:(''The gang join hands'')
:'''Shaggy''': Here, let me do the honors.
:(''Fred gives Shaggy the old flintlock pistol'')
:(''Shaggy nervously shoots the flintlock at the gate, the bullet ricochets around the place'')
:'''Fred''': I don't get it. The key didn't work.
:'''Daphne''': That's because the flintlock itself isn't the key. (''puts the flintlock near the gate, the flint shines'') Look, it's the flint.
:'''Fred''': Daphne, you figured it out, you do the honors.
:(''Daphne slots the flint into an opening on the lock and the fourth gate opens'')
:'''Shaggy''': Whoa. This place is like mega creepy and scary. Is it too late to turn back?
:'''Scooby''': Yes. Way too late.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''The gang finally walks to the cursed treasure discovered'')
:'''Scooby''': (''grabs the Heart of the Jaguar'') Hmm? What do I do now?
:'''Evil Entity''': (''locked in a crystal sarcophagus'') Open the sarcophagus.
:'''Shaggy''': It--it spoke.
:'''Evil Entity''': Turn the lock. Set me free.
:'''Fred''': We aren't here to free you.
:'''Velma''': We're here to destroy you.
:'''Evil Entity''': Destroy me? Never. You have no choice. This is your destiny. Everything you have done, you have done for me. I brought you together as I brought all those together before you. I made you into friends. Forced you into a group. I am the author of your every hope and dream. All to this purpose: ''you set me free.''
:'''Shaggy''': Like, is this--this evil telling the truth? Like our whole life, our friendship has been a lie?
:'''Fred''': Maybe everything we think we know, none of it is real.
:'''Daphne''': No. I--I refuse to believe it. (''takes Fred's hand'') My love for Fred is real. I know it. And I love you all. You're my best friends.
:'''Velma''': Daphne's right. Every word this thing spits out is a lie. (''to Scooby'') Destroy it.
:'''Scooby''': This ends now. We'll never set you free.
:'''Pericles''': (''shows up'') That's too bad... (''The old gang arrives with Kriegstaffebots'') ...because I will.
:(''Scooby prepares to destroy the sarcophagus with the Heart of the Jaguar, but Pericles snatches it with his paws'')
:(''Kriegstaffebots hold the gang and Pericles opens the sarcophagus'')
:'''Evil Entity''': The time of Nibiru has come. (''comes out of the sarcophagus and laughs'')

===Come Undone===
:'''Nova''': (''narrates'') A beginning is a very delicate time, much more so an ending. Know that this is the year 10,191. We, the Annunaki, travel between layers of the many universes. We came to help you grow, evolve. But not all of us are good. Some are evil wanting to feed on your energies. This most evil of all is imprisoned in a crystal sarcophagus between worlds so he can cause no harm. This evil desires to devour worlds. He manipulated groups of humans to set him free: The Mayan Hunters of Secrets and their jaguar, Spot, The Fraternitas Mysterium and their donkey, Gordo, The Alianzo Mysterio and their skunk, El Fuchy, The Mystery Gang with their bull Tiny, The Benevolent Lodge of Mystery and their orangutan, Mr. Peaches, They Mystery Fellowship and their cat, Whiskers, Mystery Incorporated and their parrot, Professor Pericles, and the current Mystery Incorporated and their special companion, Scooby-Doo. The time of Nibiru has come. The moment the planets align, the evil one's strength will be the greatest Free in your world, he will grow more powerful every second. He will destroy your city, your planet, your universe. Only one stands in his way: Scoobert Scooby-Doo. (''Evil Entity laughs'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Evil Entity''': (''laughs'') Free! Free! I have been trapped too long. (''laughs'') (''grabs Scooby-Doo'')
:'''Fred''': Hey! What are you doing to Scoob? Hey!
:'''Scooby''': Shaggy, help! (''Fred and Shaggy tried to save Scooby but the Evil Entity hit them away from him'')
:'''Evil Entity''': Do not fight. The dog must die and be reborn as a vessel to my darkness. You should give me form. I shall walk this world a giant.
:'''Scooby''': Never! (''breaks free'')
:'''Pericles''': Nein! Nein! Forget the dog! Consume me. Give me the power!
:'''Evil Entity''': So be it.
:(''The Evil Entity seizes Pericles and pours its essence into his body, causing him to grow into a dark green giant'')
:'''Pericles''': (''laughs'') After all these years '''I am unstoppable!''' (''laughs again'')
:'''Shaggy''': Dude! Somehow that parrot just keeps on getting creepier!
:'''Pericles''': (''last words'') Und I shall finally be rid of the Mystery Incorporated kinder! (''The Evil Entity proceeds to subdue his consciousness'') Aah! Something's wrong! What--WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME?! '''AAAAAAHHHH!!'''
:(''The Evil Entity kills Pericles, mutating the parrot's body into a massive squid-like monster with horns and laughs'')
:'''Ricky''': Professor Pericles?
:'''Evil Entity''': The bird is gone. I am flesh now! '''Flesh!'''
:'''Judy''': (''last words'') Oh, mighty one!
:'''Brad''': (''last words'') We are ready to serve.
:'''Evil Entity''': Good, for I hunger. (''consumes Brad and Judy alive to increase its own strength, the gang is totally shocked'') I am your master now. (''The Kriegstaffebots answers in German language'') Bring the humans closer so that I may feast upon them and grow powerful enough to break my bonds. (''The Kriegstaffebots aim at the gang'')
:'''Daphne''': I think now would be a very good time to--
:'''Fred''': Run!
:(''The gang and Ricky flee but Shaggy stops'')
:'''Shaggy''': Like, Scooby-Doo! Where are you?! (''starts running'')
:'''Evil Entity''': (''laughs'')
:(''Scooby-Doo attempts to destroy the Evil Entity with the Heart of the Jaguar, it breaks'')
:'''Scooby''': Uh-oh!
:'''Evil Entity''': (''laughs again, almost grabbed Scooby-Doo while he's running away from him'') You cannot escape! You are powerless against me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Evil Entity''': You underestimate my strength. I should consume you and grow in power!
:(''The gang looks at each other, the Kriegstaffebot aims at them, Ricky decapitates it with a sword'')
:'''Daphne''': Way to go, Mr. E.
:'''Ricky''': Run, kids! Get out of here now!
:(''The Evil Entity grabs Ricky'')
:'''Velma''': Hang on, E! We'll save you!
:'''Ricky''': (''last words'') It's too late for me, Velma.
:'''Velma''': No!
:'''Ricky''': Save yourself!
:(''The Evil Entity consumes Ricky alive'')
:'''Evil Entity''': Now it is your turn! (''tries to grab the gang but its tentacles are blocked by a shield of blue energy that appears around them'')
:'''Shaggy''': Like, what was up with that?
:'''Evil Entity''': I need more. I shall feast upon all of Crystal Cove!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Evil Entity''': (''laughs'') This world shall be mine. Then I shall devour galaxies. (''laughs again'') (''opens the Crystal Sarcophagus and releases an army of evil Annunaki minions'') Come to me, my minions. Come to me through this portal. Gather all from this place so that I may feed and grow strong!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': We have to do something!
:'''Shaggy''': Yeah, but like, what?
:'''Velma''': What about the spear, the Heart of the Jaguar?
:'''Scooby''': It's broken. It's just a stick.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Evil Entity''': I bring oblivion to this world! (''laughs'')
:'''Scooby''': It's the end.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Scooby-Doo receives a vision from Nova's Annunaki'')
:'''Scooby''': Nova. What do I do? The Heart of the Jaguar is broken.
:'''Nova''': The spear was never the Heart of the Jaguar. The Heart of the Jaguar is something else, Scooby-Doo. At the right moment when the heart is clear, you will know what to do.
:'''Scooby''': Seriously, just tell me what to do?
:'''Nova''': You will know. You will see. You will feel. (''disappears'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Evil Annunaki minions bring the gang to the Evil Entity'')
:'''Evil Entity''': My power approaches the infinite. Then I will absorb you and your friends. I will be '''UNSTOPPABLE!''' (''tries to consume them once again, only to be thwarted by the same barrier'')
:(''Scooby recalls Nova's words'')
:'''Nova''': ''You will know. You will see. You will feel.''
:'''Scooby''': Wait, that's it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Scooby''': The Heart is ''us''. It's always been us.
:'''Velma''': Jinkies! Scooby's right. It can't devour us now and it couldn't touch us earlier, remember?
:'''Daphne''': Not when we stood together. 
:'''Fred''': The 5 of us.
:'''Velma''': Our friendship.
:'''Daphne''': Our love for one another.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, that's the ''true'' Heart of the Jaguar.
:'''Scooby''': And that is something that monster can never take away. Something it can never defeat. It's now or never. '''Let's do this.'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': Wait. Think it through. The Entity is still drawing power from the crystal sarcophagus.
:'''Daphne''': It's some kind of portal between dimensions.
:'''Fred''': That means if we shatter it, then we cut that thing's lifeline.
:'''Evil Entity''': (''still consuming people'') They must be stopped! Bring me them!
:'''Fred''': Gang, as a team. '''Go!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''The gang takes the remains of the Heart of the Jaguar spear and races towards the sarcophagus while Annunaki minions try to stop them'')
:'''Fred''': Daph! (''gives the stick to Daphne'')
:'''Daphne''': Velma! Catch! (''gives the stick to Velma'')
:'''Velma''': Shaggy! (''gives the stick to Shaggy'')
:'''Shaggy''': Finish him, Scooby-Doo!
:(''Shaggy throws the stick in the air, Scooby-Doo launches it with a final kick into the crystal sarcophagus'')
:'''Evil Entity''': (''gasps'') (''The crystal sarcophagus is broken, opens up a vortex'') (''last words'') '''NOOOOOO!!!''' (''The vortex begins to suck everything into it, except for the gang'') No! It cannot be! '''IT SHALL NOT BE!''' WHY! WHY! '''WHYYYYYYYYYYY!!!'''
:(''The vortex causes a galaxy implosion and a bright light'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''The gang watches the town normal and untouched'')
:'''Shaggy''': Like, whoa! Dudes!
:'''Velma''': The town looks untouched. We--we did it! (''The gang cheers'') We saved Crystal Cove!
:'''Fred''': We destroyed the monster!
:'''Daphne''': Let's celebrate!
:'''Scooby''': Yeah, celebrate.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheriff Stone''': (''arrives with Mayor Nettles and four children'') Hey, you kids. Nice to see you out and about on such a lovely day.
:'''Velma''': Sheriff Stone?
:'''Shaggy''': Like, dudes, where did that pint-sized posse come from?
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Mayor wife and I are taking the kids down to the beach.
:'''Daphne''': Mayor wife? Kids?
:'''Mayor Nettles''': You seem awfully forgetful, Daphne. I hope you remember you promised to baby-sit tomorrow night.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Now, Eastwood, Norris and little Billy Jack need to be asleep by 8:00. Linda Carter here can stay up as long as she likes on account of her being more adorable than her brothers.
:'''Mayor Nettles''': Oh, we better run. See you tomorrow. (''leaves with Sheriff Stone and four children'')
:'''Velma''': OK, that was odd.
:'''Fred''': Gang, look at the sign.
:(''The sign says &quot;Crystal Cove - The Sunniest Place on Earth&quot;'')
:'''Daphne''': Didn't it always used to say &quot;The Most Hauntedest Place on Earth&quot;?
:'''Shaggy''': And like, check out that sign.
:'''Fred''': (''reads the Darrow Mansion's sign'') &quot;Visit historic Darrow Mansion&quot;?
:'''Velma''': Darrow Mansion sank underground.
:'''Daphne''': And Danny Darrow was some kind of horrible old troll, remember? I mean, wasn't he?
:'''Scooby''': (''scared'') Duh! What's going on?! (''jumps into Shaggy's arms'')
:'''Velma''': Scooby, I think that's exactly what we need to find out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': Mom, dad, be honest. Are you sure you two have never touched a trap in your entire lives?
:'''Brad''': Traps? Fred, you know we're both...
:'''Judy''': Obstetricians. We bring babies into the world.
:'''Brad''': Happy babies, Judy.
:'''Judy''': Thank you, Brad, happy babies.
:'''Daphne''': But that still doesn't explain why you're here, mom and dad.
:'''Barty''': Oh, it's simple, dear.
:'''Nan''': We're planning your wedding.
:'''Fred and Daphne''': Our wedding?
:'''Nan''': Why, princess, you're almost 18. High time you tied the knot.
:'''Barty''': I only wish we could find more perfect specimens of manhood like Fred for your underachieving sisters.
:'''Daphne''': Huh?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paula''': Don't be silly, Norville, we're so proud. Our son, President of the Chefs Club, winner of the ultimate teen chef award and you've won the national junior epicurean of the year award 3 times in a row.
:'''Shaggy''': But, I--I'm like a slacker.
:'''Colton''': I don't buy that story for a second.
:'''Scooby''': Shaggy, look.
:(''Shaggy and Scooby watch the TV about Creationex Corp.'')
:'''Ricky''': ''Here at Creationex, we've been blessed with inventing clean, sustainable fusion-based energy.''
:'''Cassidy''': ''Now, my beautiful husband and I want to pass that blessing on to you by radically reducing our prices.'' (''Ricky and Cassidy kiss'')
:'''Pericles''': ''Creationex makes life better for everyone!''
:'''Shaggy and Scooby''': Oh!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': Please, Marcie, please. Tell me what's going on?
:'''Marcie''': V, this is no time for fooling around. We're preparing for this year's Tri-state Olympiad of Science, which we have always won.
:'''Velma''': Schrodinger's cat!
:'''Marcie''': Huh? Our event is about mineral erosion. What's the many worlds interpretation of quantum physics have to do with it?
:'''Velma''': Everything! I gotta tell the gang. (''leaves'')
:'''Marcie''': That's my girl.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ethan''': Fred! Bro! You are the coolest.
:'''Gary''': Cooler than cool, the king of cool, the lord king of goal keepers.
:'''Ethan''': Those crazy talented hands of yours blocked every shot last night. Thanks for winning us the championship. You rock!
:'''Gary''': Yeah! And thanks for letting us borrow your van. You double rock! (''he and Ethan leave'')
:'''Fred''': (''looks at the white van'') This--this is my van?
:'''Fred Jones Sr.''': Galloping goalies, Fred, of course it's your van. Now, will you kindly get it off my field?
:'''Fred''': Mayor dad?
:'''Fred Jones Sr.''': You've called me a lot of things over the years, Mr. Jones, coach Jones, principal Jones, but definitely not mayor and never dad. I gotta say I like it. You know, since I never had kids of my own, I've always thought of the students here at my high school as all my kids, but you, Fred, you were always special. I've always been extra proud of you. By the way, my colleague at Miskatonic University sent this for you and your friends. (''gives the disc to Fred'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': With no actuality of wave function collapse, alternative histories and futures are real. I know why everything's different. We destroyed the Entity and by destroying it, it was as if it never existed. So, everything it touched: All the evil, all of the curse, all of the losers in rubber masks and the dumb monster attractions, none of it ever happened. By destroying the Evil Entity, we created an entirely different timeline.
:'''Daphne''': Our neighbors, our families, they've never been negatively influenced by the Evil Entity.
:'''Shaggy''': It's come undone, all of it. Our actions created a better world where we all have normal and productive lives.
:'''Daphne''': Lives that really aren't ours.
:'''Fred''': Worse than that, gang, we've created a world without mysteries.
:'''Velma''': What kind of a world doesn't have mysteries?
:'''Fred''': A world where we don't belong.
:(''The gang feels sorry'')
:'''Daphne''': What do we do now?
:'''Fred''': Well, I just got this disc from Miskatonic University. Might as well see what it is.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Velma puts the disc into the laptop'')
:(''Video starts'')
:'''Harlan Ellison''': ''Harlan Ellison here. You can call me Mr. E. I know who you kids are and I know that you created an alternate timeline by destroying that Evil Entity. How do I know this? How you ask in your purblind ignorance? It's obvious as antlers on a Chihuahua. I'm a genius! All my years of writing speculative fiction has hyper tuned my psychic mnemonic connection with alternate dimensions. That's why I am able to remember every timeline ever created. And believe me, this has happened before, but you kids have slipped the time stream with me. Very rare. You're very strange. That's why I sent you this message. I've taken up residence as professor of sub-nuclear sciences at Miskatonic University. (''shows the university from the window'') I want you in my class next semester. I've already got you all admitted, even that weird dog. There's a lot of meddling to do and a lot of mysteries out there that need solving. Don't miss it.''
:(''Video ends'')
:(''The gang is surprised'')
:'''Fred''': Hold the phone!
:'''Daphne''': Jeepers!
:'''Velma''': Jinkies!
:'''Shaggy''': Zoinks!
:'''Velma''': Miskatonic University? Amazing!
:'''Daphne''': But it's all the way on the other side of the country.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': How are we going to get there?
:'''Fred''': We'll drive, starting right now. And we'll stop and solve every mystery we find along the way.
:'''Scooby''': Ooh! A mystery solving road trip! Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy!
:'''Shaggy''': Like, can we also stop and eat at every burger place and pizza joint we find along the way, too?
:'''Fred''': Absolutely. But first, we need to do something about this van.
:(''The gang starts painting the van'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Last lines'')
:'''Nova''': (''still possessed by the Anunnaki'') Thank you, Scooby-Doo. You are the bravest dog that ever lived.
:'''Scooby''': '''Scooby-Dooby-Doo!'''
:(''The gang drives off into the sunset'')

== External links==
{{Wikipedia}}

[[Category:2010s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Animated television series reboots]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated horror TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated mystery TV shows]]
[[Category:Cartoon Network shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:Scooby-Doo TV shows]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about dogs]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about teenagers]]
[[Category:Television series by Warner Bros. Animation]]</text>
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    <revision>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-11T15:16:05Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
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      <text bytes="225865" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''Scooby-Doo! Mystery Incorporated''''' is the 11th [[Scooby-Doo]] television series. Taking place in the small town of Crystal Cove, where the adults (especially Mayor Jones) often try to use the phony spooks as ways of making money, the show follows the kids as the mysteries they solve leads to an even bigger, even more dangerous, even more terrifying mystery. New to this series that separates it from other revivals of Scooby-Doo is the overarching story plot, the focus on the romantic relationships of the gang, and the darker tone of the show.

== Season 1 ==
===Beware the Beast from Below===
:(''First lines'')
:(''The gang cheers'')
:'''Velma''': Another mystery bites the dust.
:'''Fred''': Way to go, gang!
:'''Daphne''': Let's celebrate!
:'''Scooby''': Yeah, celebrate.
:(''Sheriff Stone closes the cell door'')
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Better idea.
:'''Fred''': Aw, come on, Sheriff.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Just cork it. You see this badge? Know why it's here?
:'''Velma''': It came with the shirt?
:'''Sheriff Stone''': It's here because if there's a crime, I solve it. (''goes to the office door'') Oh, and by the way, I've called all your parents, who, by now, I have on speed dial. (''mocking'') Oh, are you in trouble. Especially you, Fred. Say hi to dad, the Mayor. (''leaves'')
:'''Daphne''': Just once, it would be nice if someone thanked us for solving a mystery.
:'''Fred''': Good thing we're not in this to be liked. (''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma and Daphne look a little annoying to him'') Maybe that didn't come out quite right.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shaggy''': (''after being attacked by the slime monster'') Zoinks! Like, (''laughs nervously'') what was that?
:'''Fred''': (''getting out of the Mystery Machine'') It looks like a mystery to me, and I think that's just a little more important than school.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': (''finds locket'') Fred, I found something! ''(Opens locket and music plays)''
:'''Fred''': Huh. Could be a clue! Good work Daphne!
:'''Daphne''': Thanks, Fred. You're so sweet.... ''(looks up. Fred has walked away, looking for clues)'' It's okay. We can talk later, um.....

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheriff Stone''': All right, you see what happens when you kids stick your noses where they don't belong? People get cocooned!
:'''Shaggy''': Like, man, we found them like that!
:'''Daphne''': (''trying to show what she means with her hands'') Sheriff, there was a monster--
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Quiet. From this point forward this is a ''crime scene'' and future tourist attraction - stay out of it. (''walks away'')
:'''Velma''': I gotta stay out of it right here. (''holds up fist'')
:'''Fred''': Let me talk to him. (''walks away'')
:'''Daphne''': (''dreamily'') Don't worry. Fred will make him understand.
:'''Fred''': (''runs back carrying body'') Shaggy, start the car!
:'''Shaggy''': Like, I thought you were going to talk to him!
:'''Fred''': He wasn't in a listening mood.
:'''Velma''': (''opens back of the van'') So you stole a body? Rockin!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': (''Angel opens door. Fred is lying down with his head on the record player'') Fred? Fred, it's us. We're here for you. (''sits down next to him. Scooby Doo licks his hair'')
:'''Fred''': It's no use, gang. I was the one who stole the body and Professor Raffalo paid the price. I should have listened to my dad and stayed out of any new mysteries.
:'''Velma''': We all helped steal the body, Fred.
:'''Shaggy''': Well, I actually never took pa- (''Velma elbows him in the ribs'') Okay, fine, yes we all took part, Freddie.
:'''Daphne''': Fred Jones, you've never backed away from a mystery in your life.
:'''Fred''': I've got nothing!
:'''Velma''': Man up, Fred! We still have our first clue, the cocoon! I brought a sample - Scooby, what are you doing? (''Scooby is eating the slime from the cocoon'')
:'''Scooby''': What? Rit's Ruitmeiers! Yummy! (''Starts eating again'')
:'''Velma''': Eww!
:'''Angel''': Check it out. If that dog mutates, I'm putting it down. Dead.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, hold on. I think I get it. (''walks over and tastes the slime'')
:'''Daphne, Fred, Velma, Angel''': Ew!
:'''Shaggy''': No, you guys, it's Fruitmeier's! The cocoon is made of the same stuff as Fruitmeier's Deserts.
:'''Daphne, Fred, Velma, Angel''': What? (''They all get up and taste it'')
:'''Daphne''': You're right. But if the cocoon is made of Fruitmeier's Deserts...
:'''Shaggy''': That means if we capture the monster, we can have our own shop. And we can have an endless supply of Fruitmeier's Deserts. Oh boy.
:'''Fred''': No. It means that that slime mutant may not be a monster at all. What do we know about Franklin Fruitmeier?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': Franklin Fruitmeier. Showed up in town out of nowhere two months ago. Before that, nothing. He's hiring right now for female servers.
:'''Fred''': And that's our in.
:'''Shaggy''': If the girls can get jobs at Fruitmeier's, they can snoop around and find out more.
:'''Fred''': Great idea, Shag!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shaggy''': (''he and Scooby are dressed as girls''). Uh, this isn't exactly what I had in mind. Why are Scooby Doo and I dressed like girls when Velma and Daphne ''are'' girls?
:'''Scooby''': Yeah. My skirts too tight.
:'''Daphne''': Because Velma and I refused. (''Shaggy and Scooby glare at them'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': This is gonna be awesome! (''the cage eventually falls on him, Shaggy, Scooby, and Velma. The slime monster laughs and covers them in slime. Daphne gasps, then sees the slime mutant next to her'')
:'''Daphne''': Aaaahhh!!! (''runs'')
:'''Velma''': Daphne, run! (''Daphne runs past and jumps through hole in the ceiling, followed by slime mutant'')
:(''Scooby starts eating slime'')
:'''Fred''': Eat, gang! It's Fruitmeier's!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Fred! You saved me!
:'''Fred''': Not right now, Daphne. I have to figure out why my trap didn't work.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': What is going on here?
:'''Mayor Jones''': Why is the town's latest tourist attraction cocooned to the wall?
:'''Fred''': Dad! Sheriff! Hold on. You don't understand. That is not a monster.
:'''Mayor Jones''': Oh, hopping steamed clams, Fred. Then who is it?
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma and Daphne''': Franklin Fruitmeier.
:'''Velma''': He was trying to rob Crystal Cove bank.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Uhh, that's impossible. Franklin Fruitmeier's the one who called us. (''Franklin arrives'')
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma, Daphne and Fred''': What?
:'''Franklin''': I was making a clipper ship out of circus balloons when the silent alarm rang at my home. Oh, good gracious! What is that?
:'''Shaggy''': But if the monster isn't Franklin Fruitmeier, then, dude, who is it?
:(''Scooby unmasks The Slime Mutant'')
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma, Daphne and Fred''': Professor Emmanuel Raffalo?
:'''Emmanuel''': That's right. I was trying to scare people away from the sewers while I dug my way into the bank and got rich.
:'''Daphne''': But you've got a job as a teacher. Why do you need more money?
:(''Emmanuel doesn't answer'')
:'''Daphne''': Yeah, my bad.
:'''Fred''': Oh, yeah, right.
:'''Shaggy''': You're really getting ripped off.
:'''Emmanuel''': I discovered that the Crystal Cove caves were connected to the sewer by accident while collecting mold spores for my class. Once I realized the cave led right under the bank, I put my plan into motion. Fruitmeier's gave me secret access to the sewer, so I decided to frame balloon boy for the crime by using his disgusting dessert. I staged my own disappearance to throw doubt on any hint of my involvement. Oh, it was foolproof, genius. That is, until you... you--
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Meddling.
:'''Emmanuel''': Meddling. Yes, meddling kids and your blasted dog ruined everything.
:'''Daphne''': Wait. (''shows the locket'') What about this locket we found where you were digging?
:'''Emmanuel''': Never seen it before.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': All right. Well, guess we owe you kids thanks. You did save the bank. Although you also lost the town a serious revenue stream. Stream of revenue!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': You okay, Daph?
:'''Daphne''': I just don't get it. If this locket didn't belong to Professor Raffalo, then who?
:(''The telephone rings, Shaggy pressed the button'')
:'''Shaggy''': Like, K-Ghoul 101.4. What can we scare up for you, daddy-o?
:'''Mr. E''': You're all doomed.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, uh-uh-- Like, who--who is this?
:'''Mr. E''': You can call me Mr. E. You should never have brought that locket out of the cave. You don't know what you've uncovered.
:'''Daphne''': Uncovered? Uncovered what?
:'''Mr. E''': A truth that should have remained hidden the truth behind the curse of Crystal Cove. The ''real'' mystery has just begun.
:'''Scooby''': Scooby... Dooby... Doo.

===The Creeping Creatures===
:'''Scooby''': What is it?
:'''Shaggy''': Like, um, I think it's a box.
:(''Fred and Daphne glare at him annoyed'')
:(''Fred opens the box'')
:'''Velma''': (''picks up a card inside'') It's from Mr. E! (''reads'') Saved this for a rainy day. Enjoy.
:'''Daphne''': Mr. E gives me the creeps. (''Fred starts to open the box'') Fred, careful. That could be a bomb! (''Fred pulls out a purse'') Ooh, strike that. Cute purse! (''reaches for it, but Velma takes it'')
:'''Fred''': Check it out! ''100% pure gator. Made in Gatorsburg''!
:'''Scooby''': Ratorsburg?
:'''Daphne''': But that's impossible! Gatorsburg hasn't manufactured Gator products in decades!
:'''Velma''': Not since the gator mines dried up!
:'''Scooby''': Rator mines?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': Gang, we have a mystery on our hands!
:'''Velma''': Oh, sweet Christmas, finally!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Dinkley''': Hello?
:'''Mayor Jones''': Yello.
:'''Mrs. Blake''': Yes?
:'''Velma''': (''into phone'') Hey, Mom. We're stuck in Gatorsburg.
:'''Fred''': (''into phone'') The van broke down.
:'''Daphne''': (''into phone'') Think you could come and get us?
:'''Mrs. Dinkley''': Oh, I wish I could, but tonight's race night! You know me and horses! Venus is in it's third retro grade which means I'm betting on Sick Little Monkey to show.
:'''Mayor Jones''': Meddling mushroom caps, Fred! I've already got the recliner in the reclined position. There's no going back from that.
:'''Mrs. Blake''': Oh, sweetie, it's dark out. I can't go out in the dark. (''Fred, Daphne, and Velma hang up'')
:'''Shaggy''': (''calls and gets the answering machine'') Oh, wait. Duh. It's still life night.
:'''Velma''': (''slyly'') I guess we're here for the whole night.
:'''Scooby''': And Scooby Dooby too!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Greta Gator''': I got a few hotel rules. (''Fred enters the room, but Greta blocks Daphne and Velma'') Rule number one: Boys and girls in separate rooms. No exceptions!
:'''Velma''': Then I guess I'm with you, Daphne.
:'''Greta''': I said ''no exceptions''!
:'''Velma''': But, I'm a girl.
:'''Greta''': Oh, right. Rule number two: stay in your rooms, no matter what you hear. That includes screams, moans, wails, pounding, claws scratching, and anything that sounds like a body being dragged across a hard-wood floor.
:'''Fred''': Okayy...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': (''showing Daphne his trap scrapbook'')....and I left a few pages blank, you know, for future traps.
:'''Daphne''': (''extremely bored'') Good thinking. (''Scooby bursts into the room, terrified and panting'')
:'''Fred''': Scoob! What's the matter?
:'''Daphne''': He's trying to tell us something! (''Scooby tries to show them what he means'')
:'''Fred''': Tater people! Uh, crater sneeple? (''Scooby starts wheezing'') Skater feeple!
:'''Daphne''': (''stands up'') Gator people! (''Scooby sighs in relief'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''The police car arrives'')
:'''Fred''': Time to find out who these greedy gators really are. (''unmasks the Creeping Creatures'')
:'''Daphne''': Grady Gator?
:'''Shaggy''': Greta Gator?
:'''Scooby''': Gunther Gator?
:'''Fred''': But why?
:'''Grady''': After we ran out of gators, everybody moved OUT of Gatorsburg. But not us.
:'''Greta''': This here's our HOME.
:'''Daphne''': So with no alligators left, you decided to make imitation gator products and pass them off as real.
:'''Velma''': But you couldn't have anyone snooping around Gatorsburg. So you created the Creeping Creatures to scare people away.
:'''Fred''': Then you could run your gator ring without anyone knowing who you were or what you were up to.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, that is one ridiculous plan.
:'''Gunther''': And you know what? We would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling juveniles and your unauthorized investigation of our synthetic gator accessories.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': You're telling me this gator stuff is fake? I paid a fortune for this track suit!
:'''Velma''': Sorry, Sheriff.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': (''sighs'') Man, I gotta get out of this suit. This fake gator doesn't breathe. I'm starting to smell a little... ''funky''. Arrest them... even though I have absolutely NO JURISDICTION HERE! (''drives away'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': Wait, Sheriff. can you give us a ride? The Mystery Machine isn't...
:(''The engine of Mistery Machine is revving'')
:'''Everyone''': (''gasp'')
:'''Shaggy''': Zoinks! Like, there's no engine in the Mystery Machine. It's haunted!
:(''Fred opens the hood, there's a letter of Mr. E'')
:'''Velma''': It's from Mr. E.
:'''Daphne''': (''opens the letter and reads'') &quot;Hope you had a good time in Gatorsburg. But be warned, there are more mysteries to come. This is only one piece of the puzzle.&quot;
:'''Fred''': Puzzle? What's that supposed to mean?
:'''Shaggy''': Like, I've got a bad feeling we're gonna find out. Oh.
:(''The lightning appears loudly in the sky, Shaggy grabs Scooby whimpering'')

===The Secret of the Ghost Rig===
:'''Police Officer''': You realize you were speeding?
:'''Teenage Driver''': Y-yes, I do, Officer.
:'''Police Officer''': Okay, as long as you know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Jones''': Ah, Fred my boy! Today is a very exciting day for you, because today you learn the family business: politics!
:'''Fred''': Politics? That's ''adult'' stuff! You know, kids my age are into traps and solving mysteries!
:'''Mayor Jones''': No they're not, son! You're going to learn all the vital things I do for this community, like create pamphlets and strategize about new places to put parking meters.
:'''Velma''': I know a place he can put another parking meter.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rung''': Anyway, give me a jingle and we'll plan a magical night on the town. (''glances at his watch'') Oh yeah, the life of the seventh largest regional ladder manufacturer never stops. Sorry, but I gotta ''rung''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Are you trying to set me up with - ''him''? What about Fred?
:'''Mr. Blake''': You're just friends, right?
:'''Daphne''': Well, yeah - but we're really good friends. And I don't know, it feels like cheating. On a friend.
:'''Mrs. Blake''': Darling, think of it like trying a new cut of meat. Why have ''ground beef'', when you can have a nice prime rib?
:'''Daphne''': But I don't even like meat! I like vegetables. Like Fred.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Jones''': What's going on here - (''notices George Avocados'') Avocados.
:'''Avocados''': That's A''voc''ados.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': (''flirtatiously'') You know, Shag, I have plenty of food back at my place.
:'''Shaggy''': Um, like, thanks Velma, but Scooby Doo has had his tongue tattooed with a map of every single pizza joint in town. As you can see, we got it covered.
:'''Velma''': Yeah, in drool.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheriff Stone''': And so you're saying this ghost truck disappeared like a, uh... ghost truck.
:'''Scooby''': Yep, that's pretty much it.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Well, looks like you kids might have stumbled onto a new tourist attraction.
:'''Shaggy''': ''Tourist attraction''? Like, man, it nearly dumped us in the cove!
:'''Velma''': Besides, we're not even sure it was a ghost!
:'''Sheriff Stone''': I'm sorry, but didn't you say there was no driver? That's textbook ghost truck, case closed!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': I ''knew'' it! Anyone with hair that perfect has to be guilty of ''something''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Jones''': (''caught in Fred's trap'') Screaming pandas, what is the meaning of this?
:'''Fred''': Dad, we think George Avocados is the ghost trucker, and he's trying to sabotage your reelection!
:'''Mayor Jones''': That's completely absurd. Why would a ghost drive a truck when everyone knows they can fly? Especially an eighteen wheeler, those require a Class ''Six'' license.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Scooby''': Nice going, Raggy. (''laughs'') Good job.
:'''Mayor Jones''': (''arrives'') Pickled porcupines. What's going on here, Fred? I was in my office working late, when suddenly it sounds like some demonic force is tearing apart city hall. Tell me it's true.
:'''Fred''': It's even better, dad. We caught the Ghost Trucker. And he's none other than...
:'''The Ghost Trucker''': Let me out of here! Aaah! (''crawls from out of the Ghost Truck and falls to the ground'') Uhh!
:'''Everyone''': Rung Ladderton?
:'''Rung''': Ooh, ahh, shock. Yeah, yeah, that's right. And I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you meddling... peers.
:'''Daphne''': Of course. It all makes sense. Rung was using the Ghost Truck to smuggle doorknobs out of Crystal Cove, so he could find Theodore Avocados' missing diamond.
:'''Fred''': Avocados disguised the diamond as a doorknob. That's why it was never found.
:'''Rung''': You are correct, my little ascot-wearing friend, but that idiot Avocados didn't say in his journal which crystal knob was really the diamond. So, I had to steal 'em all. And what better way than with a Ghost Truck to smuggle them all out of town?
:'''Velma''': We should have known. The other guy who bought the tires was G. Nurno Treddal, a name far too ridiculous to be real, because it's Rung Ladderton spelled backwards!
:'''Fred''': But Rung, you're rich. You've got everything: ladders, ascots. Why did you need a diamond?
:'''Rung''': I inherited a ladder company. We make the one product in the world that no one ever replaces. Ladders don't wear out like TVs or personal trainers over 40. (''Sheriff Stone handcuffs Rung'') No, no. They're built to last, which means no sales. The company's broke.
:'''Daphne''': I don't think you'll be needing this anymore. (''removes Rung's orange ascot'')
:(''Sheriff Stone takes Rung into custody'')
:'''Fred''': Thanks, Daph.
:'''Daphne''': No worries. I'm always here for you, Fred. (''removes the purple ascot and puts the orange one to Fred'') Seriously, right here.
:'''Mayor Jones''': I gotta hand it to you, Fred. Your traps actually came in handy this time.
:'''Fred''': Gee, dad. Does this mean you finally accept what I want to do with my life?
:'''Mayor Jones''': (''laughs'') Oh Fred. No.

===Revenge of the Man Crab===
:'''Dylan''': Here, I brought some water.
:'''Brenda''': Ew, I don't want any of that fatty fat water! I want Trickells' Trickquid!
:'''Dylan''': Trickell's Trickquid ''is'' water.
:'''Brenda''': Um, ''no'', it's one hundred percent diet moisture.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': Ugh, not that place! That guy's a total freak!
:'''Shaggy''': No, he's, like, totally cool! Just ''don't mention his nose''.
:'''Velma''': Hey there, Cappy! What happened to the old sniffer? (''Shaggy groans'')
:'''Skipper Shelton''': What ''happened''? I'll tell it for you! It was a clam that took it, fierce and mighty was he, and reduced me to wearing facial underwear he did! But I'll find him, and I won't stop shucking till I do. Understand?
:'''Velma''': Yes sir, Captain Admiral, sir!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': You know, we're still close to the water. All kinds of fish in there.
:'''Fred''': (''watching the volleyball game'') Yep, they're so beautiful!
:'''Daphne''': The ''girls''?
:'''Fred''': No, the nets!
:'''Daphne''': The nets?
:'''Fred''': I wonder what their tensile strength is? They're nylon, absolutely ''perfect'' for traps!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': We can't let that thing get away!
:'''Shaggy''': Sure we can, Fred! All we have to do is stand right here!
:'''Scooby''': Yeah, stand right here!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': Wow, who are you trying to impress?
:'''Daphne''': What, this old thing? I've had it forever. I just want to do a good job. Would you rub oil on my back? Fred likes shiny things, and I'm tired of him staring at nets.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': There's a book over here. Daphne read a book once. And that chair, Daphne liked to sit in chairs. And that card catalogue over there -
:'''Velma''': Not helping, Fred.
:'''Fred''': I know. What's wrong with me?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': Hey, Daphne? Let me ask you something. If you liked a boy -
:'''Daphne''': ''Who'' told you? Was it one of my sisters? [ Daphne mad at Velma] Dawn! Ha! She thinks she's so perfect. Well, what no one knows is, she has a sixth toe on her -
:'''Velma''': Um, what are you talking about?
:'''Daphne''': I - clearly, not what you were talking about...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shaggy''': Like, we've got him!
:'''Velma''': Good going! But how did you find your way out?
:'''Scooby''': (''sniffing'') Clam cones.
:'''Velma''': You were saved by junk food?
:'''Shaggy''': Like, what can I say? Junk food and me have a very special relationship.
:'''Velma''': Maybe I should ask it for advice.
:'''Fred''': Speaking of clam cones, I see Skipper Shelton isn't around again. Or are you, Skipper? (''unmasks the Man Crab'')
:'''Skipper''': (''arrives'') Ah, back from the Laundromat, I am. And once more does me nose-hammock smell fresh as the morning tide.
:'''Daphne''': Wait, if you're not the Man Crab, then who...?
:'''Velma''': Everyone, meet Bud Shelton. (''grabs Bud's head out of Man Crab disguise'')
:'''Scooby, Shaggy and Daphne''': Who?
:'''Velma''': The Trickell's Triquid mascot.
:'''Bud''': And the inventor, not that dirtball, Trickell.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, how did you know, Velma?
:'''Velma''': I knew it wasn't a real crab because Daphne never got allergic when she was around it. Plus, when I saw the mole pattern on the cheek of man next to Trickell in the newspaper, I remembered the same pattern on the mascot.
:'''Bud''': He took the credit for my creation. It was supposed to be called Bud's Bloosh. I was still working on the name. I spent countless hours making the Man Crab costume and even more time building my system of trap doors and stairs under the beach. And in case anyone came snooping in between kidnappings, I hid my costume in a locker big enough to hold it, putting a label with Skipper's name on it over the real label. So if anyone found it, they'd blame him.
:'''Daphne''': All that work just to get back at Mr. Trickell? Wouldn't it have been easier and-- more legal to sue him?
:'''Bud''': Are you kidding? Lawyers take forever. I would have succeeded, too, if it weren't for you meddling brats probing into my crustacean-themed revenge scheme.
:'''Skipper''': Well, &quot;almost&quot; doesn't shuck the clam, (''to Scooby'') does it, wolfie?
:(''Skipper and Scooby laugh'')
:'''Scooby''': I have no idea what you're talking about.

===The Song of Mystery===
:'''Velma''': Shaggy, you promised me you weren't going to use the word 'like' so much. It makes you sound ignorant.
:'''Shaggy''': Oh, right. Like, um, I forgot.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': They can't just leave all the kids!
:'''Sheriff Stone:''' They'll be fine. We'll air drop in some freeze dried camp food. Just because they're 'spookified' doesn't mean they can't reconstitute macaroni!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': Here, pick out a new pair of pants.
:'''Shaggy''': What's wrong with my pants?
:'''Velma''': You promised me you were going to start caring more about your appearance.
:'''Shaggy''': But I like those pants.
:'''Velma''': You've worn them since the eight grade.
:'''Shaggy''': They're comfortable pants
:'''Velma''': Fine.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Dinkley''': (''giving tour'') This is the location of the most recent attack by the creature that's been spookifying the children of Crystal Cove. (''notices the gang'') Velma, sweetheart, how are you? (''yelling'') Sheriff, they're back!
:'''Velma''': ''Mom'', please! We just wanted to see what was happening!
:'''Mrs. Dinkley''': There's nothing to see. Not unless you're paying.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Portillo''': The peoples have long told the tale of Qué Horrífico. A normal man by day, but every sundown he changes into Qué Horrífico. He roams through the villages and plays his song of mystery on a pan flute, turning the childrens into... ''Terriblegatos''!
:'''Fred''': In America, we call it 'getting spookified'.
:'''Dr. Portillo''': That is good enough, thank you. Eventually, he takes them to his spooky town, or cave or something. There's a lot of debate on that, who can really know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mary Anne Gleardan''': Fred Jones, Jr. You were supposed to meet me in the library for your civics tutoring.
:'''Fred''': Mary Anne, I can't. I have something important I need to do.
:'''Mary Anne Gleardan''': What could possibly be more important than ''civics''?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Portillo''': Oh no! I think - I think [the transformation] is happening! Oh no! It's happening! It's happening! AHHH! Here it comes! Oh, I so scared! I so scared! Here it comes! Oh - No, it's just gas.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': This is nice.
:'''Fred''': Watch it, Daphne! Remember, we're married; don't look so happy!
:'''Velma''': It's almost sunset. We'd better get inside.
:'''Fred''': Right. (''loudly'') Come, two young children, it's bedtime! Grandma's gonna tell you a story!
:'''Shaggy''': Oh goodie!
:'''Fred''': Quick, get inside.
:(''Inside, ready for trap'')
:'''Scooby''': Aren't you going to tell us a story?
:'''Velma''': Yes, The End. Now shh.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Mayor Jones and Sheriff Stone arrive'')
:'''Mayor Jones''': What in the name of whole wheat toast is going on?
:'''Fred''': We got him, dad.
:(''Scooby unmasks Qué Horrífico'')
:'''Mary Anne Gleardan''': You mean her.
:'''Fred, Daphne, Velma, Shaggy''': Mary Anne Gleardan.
:'''Mayor Jones''': Your tutor? But why?
:'''Mary Anne Gleardan''': I was trying to scare all the adults out of Crystal Cove so I could run the city my way. (''hocking'') (''to Fred'') I told you, I have brilliant ideas. (''to everyone'') With all the adults gone, there's be no one to stand in my way. I learned about the legend of Qué Horrífico in Dr. Portillo's honors class. It was the perfect solution. I used the high school's theater department for my costume. I went to every kindergarten and elementary school in the city to convince the children to pretend to be spookified. In return I offered them Utopia! When that didn't work, I offered them candy. Whenever the children heard me playing the pan flute, that was their signal to put on their fake hair and fangs and commence spookification. I almost had the whole town cleared of adults. I would have, too, if it weren't for you (''speaks latin'')
:'''Fred, Daphne, Velma, Shaggy and Scooby''': Huh?
:'''Mary Anne Gleardan''': (''sighs'') Loosely translated it means &quot;Meddlesome kids&quot; in latin.
:'''Arthur''': I'm going home. I miss my mom and dad. (''The other kids say goodbyes and walk into their homes'') By the way, this was lame.
:(''Sheriff Stone handcuffs Mary Anne'')
:'''Mary Anne Gleardan''': Wait, you're taking me to jail? But I'm just a kid!
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Do you know how many boxes we're stuck with of Qué Horrífico t-shirts, Qué Horrífico pamphlets, Qué Horrífico dance CDs, Qué Horrífico--?
:'''Mary Anne Gleardan''': Okay, okay. I see your point.

===The Legend of Alice May===
:'''Daphne''': I'm telling you, she's up to something!
:'''Fred''': C'mon, Daphne. So, Alice was using the shower and hanging out in the school basement late at night. Haven't we all?
:'''Daphne''': What if Alice is the ghost girl the Sheriff mentioned? You could be in danger, Fred.
:'''Fred''': Don't you think I'd know if she were a ghost girl?
:'''Velma''': I'd be willing to bet... no.
:'''Scooby''': Yeah, me too.
:'''Shaggy''': Yeah, like, what do we really know about Alice?
:'''Fred''': You mean, besides the fact that she's super nice, and her hair smells like peaches, and sometimes I get lost in her eyes, and -
:'''Daphne''': Fred Jones, do you like this girl?
:'''Fred''': (''points at his &quot;watch&quot;'') Wow, look at the time.
:'''Daphne''': You're not wearing a watch, Freddie.
:'''Fred''': Oh. Well, I'd better go find one, then!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angel''': Looks like your ghost girl's building herself... a ''man posse''.
:'''Shaggy''': Zoinks! Like, what if Fred's her latest possum?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Delilah''': Hey, baby sis. Something got you down.
:'''Daphne''': Hey, Delilah. It's okay, I'm fine.
:'''Delilah''': No, no, I can tell. Same way I can tell when I look in the eyes of the enemy and see their cold, grey heart and know it's either me, or them.
:'''Daphne''': Uh, okay...
:'''Delilah''': Ah, boy trouble. I've been Fear's bunkmate before. Let me tell you a story. There was a beach. Enemy dug in along the shore. They picked us off one by one but I knew I had to get my men through, ''understand''?
:'''Daphne''': No.
:'''Delilah''': All right, here's another story -
:'''Daphne''': Delilah, really, don't worry. I'm gonna figure this out.
:'''Delilah''': I hear you. Call if you need me. ''Whoo-aahh''!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shaggy''': Like, wow! I didn't know this year's prom theme was terror and pandemonium!
:'''Velma''': What's going on?
:'''Ethan''': Somebody's ''mom'' is trying to kill Fred.
:'''Gary''': Yeah, thanks, ''Mystery Geeks'', for wrecking our prom.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ghost Girl''': Don't touch me!
:'''Mayor Jones''': (''arrives with Sheriff Stone'') Hazy fantasie, Fred. Didn't you hear me when I said, &quot;if you see a ghost girl, do not go to the prom with her.&quot;?
:'''Fred''': Don't worry, dad. She may look like a ghost girl, but in reality she's... (''unmasks the ghost girl'') Alice May. Or she's also known as...
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma, Daphne and Fred''': Alice Carlswell May.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Carlswell? As in Deacon Carlswell? The Creeper?
:'''Alice''': That is right. He was my dad. When daddy was in prisoned, I vowed revenge on those who put him there. I used his old costume to construct my own. When I found the legend of the evil ghost girl online, I was ready to spring my trap. I grabbed that fool Randy to throw you all off the track. And I kept him hidden and fed in my father's crypt until I could let him go. After that, it was just a matter of getting rid of your precious leader, and Fred. I'm going to zap your gang the way ''you'' feeded my father. And I would have succeeded, too, if it weren't for you meddling... ''schoolmates''... of mine.

===In Fear of the Phantom===
:'''Fred''': Perfect! Daphne's our phantom bait.
:'''Daphne''': Oh, this is so exciting - wait. ''Bait''?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheriff Stone''': All right, now let me get this straight; these T-shirts are fifty dollars each, this is cotton, right? The kind that comes from cows?
:'''Velma''': Sheriff, you need to focus. The phantom has already taken Daphne!
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Right. Where's Daphne?
:'''Shaggy, Velma, Scooby, and The Hex Girls''': The phantom took her away!
:'''Sheriff Stone''': All right, now we're getting somewhere! And by the way, what's wrong with the Jones kid? He's acting a little... ''squirrely''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': Daphne. ''Now''. I need to talk to her.
:'''Daphne''': (''dressed as crush'') Daphne's gone. Call me Crush.
:'''Fred''': Darn it, lady, I'm serious! Where is she?
:'''Daphne''': Urgh, Fred. It's me, okay?
:'''Fred''': Uh... oh. I need to tell you something and I need you to listen. I'm not a guy anymore.
:'''Daphne''': What?
:'''Fred''': I have feelings! I care!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harry''': If you had a lizard face, I'd still love you, Scooby.
:'''Scooby''': And I'd love you, Harry. More Sandwich?
:'''Shaggy''': Like, okay, you know what? Enough! You can't replace me with a ''dummy''!
:'''Scooby''': Do you hear something, Harry?
:'''Shaggy''': Like, there ''is'' no Harry. Harry is you, and like, dude, I am your best friend!
:'''Harry''': Um, no, I don't think so.
:'''Shaggy''': Why don't you just stay out of it, Harry? And, like, stop watching Vincent van Ghoul movies. That's mine and Scooby Doo's thing!
:'''Harry''': ''Really''? Cause Scooby Doo thought you cared more about girls and going to proms! (''Shaggy begins to wrestle with 'Harry' before realizing that Harry's a puppet'')
:'''Shaggy''': Wait, wha - what am I ''doing''?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Jones''': (''arrives with Sheriff Stone'') Bug-eyed biscuits, Fred. Couldn't you have waited until after the show to catch the phantom?
:'''Fred''': Sorry, dad. Not with Daphne in danger. (''unmasks the phantom'')
:'''Everyone''': Daniel Frizette?
:'''Shaggy''': Or, like, should we call you Fantzee Pantz?
:'''Hex Girls''': Fantzee Pantz?
:'''Gus''': Doth my eye shadow deceive? How did you know?
:'''Fred''': The villain had to be someone close to the Hex Girls to access the stage.
:'''Shaggy''': And the Hex Girls' equipment.
:'''Scooby''': And their bus.
:'''Velma''': Someone with a grudge against the Hex Girls.
:'''Daniel''': The Hex Girls took my career. I tried to get revenge by writing bad songs for them, but they can make anything a hit. So, I became the phantom. And I'd do it again if it weren't for the uncanny boy band knowledge of you meddling brats!
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Let's go.

===The Grasp of the Gnome===
:'''Sheriff Stone''': No admittance.  This is a quarantined area.  Besides, the movie's already started.
:'''Scooby''': You're showing ''them'' a movie?
:'''Shaggy''': Yeah, aren't they, like, frozen with gnomey magic?
:'''Sheriff Stone''': I already saw the movie. Believe me, magically frozen is the perfect viewing state to be in.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': Now let's see who you really are. (''unmasks the Gnome'')
:'''Daphne, Velma and Scooby''': (''gasp'') The Court Fool? Uh-Oh.
:'''Amanda Littlefoot''': That's my husband, Gill Littlefoot! What did you think you were doing, fool? (''hits Gill with her staff'')
:'''Gill''': What I've wanted to do for years: Frame you for the gnome attacks. And once you were out of the way, take your fortune for my own. (''Amanda hits him again'') Ow! Will you stop that?
:'''Velma''': But you're too tall. How could you ever be the gnome?
:'''Gill''': There's a reason our family name is ''Littlefoot''. (''takes off the gnome disguise to reveal his real size'') (''Everyone gasp'') I planned this over a year. And while I've always hid my tiny legs, this finally provided me a way to make them useful. Since Amanda's dislike of pirates was well known, I planted her earring on a victim, hoping to throw suspicion her way. I used my toxin-coated gloves to paralyze all the pirates, but you would not ''quit''. The beautiful part is that because of my--
:'''Sheriff Stone''': I believe the medical term is ''baby legs''.
:'''Gill''': No one would have ever suspected me. That is, until you, meddling, gnome-hating, pirate-loving--
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Yeah, yeah, Shrimpo, we got the picture.
:'''Amanda Littlefoot''': (''annoyed'') All these years, you've looked down on me. Now it turns out I'm actually taller than you. (''hits Gill again with her staff'')
:'''Gill''': Ow!
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Let's go, little footy. (''laughs'')
:'''Mayor Jones''': Boy, I had big plans for him! Thanks for nothing-- again.
:'''Fred''': Anytime, pop.

===Battle of The Humungonauts===
:'''Mayor Jones''': So they didn't show! I don't see why we couldn't just seize the ticket money as evidence. Prancing piccolos, Fred. One of your traps actually worked!
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Greetings, big and hairy space travelers. As a representative of planet Earth, I welcome you.
:'''Velma''': I'm afraid these two aren't space travelers, Sheriff. I'd like to introduce (''unmasks the Green Humungonaut'') Max Minner and (''unmasks the Red Humungonaut'') Jax Minner.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': It's the Minner brothers? They've been taking care of all of Crystal Cove's insurance needs for years.
:'''Mayor Jones''': But how did you know they'd both show up here?
:'''Velma''': All I did was double insure the boat repair shop with a policy from both brothers. You see, each brother was only attacking the places the other brother insured.
:'''Mayor Jones''': But why?
:'''Max''': What do you think? Money.
:'''Jax''': And the fact that we can't stand each other.
:'''Max''': Oh, yeah. That, too.
:'''Jax''': This intense dislike started back when we were circus strongmen. We had just come up with a great idea for our act: The Hercules apes...
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Humongonauts is catchier.
:'''Jax''': When this jerk decides to break up our act and join a rival circus.
:'''Max''': Huh! You were just jealous.
:'''Jax''': We became bitter enemies who, as chance would have it, both went into the insurance business here in Crystal Cove.
:'''Max''': After that, we each focused on the same thing: Destroying each other's business.
:'''Jax''': And it would have worked, too, if it weren't for...
:'''Max and Jax''': My meddling brother! (''look each other'') What? ''Why you?'' (''start fighting'')
:'''Velma''': Mystery solved.

===Howl of The Fright Hound===
:'''Sheriff Stone''': What's going on? I heard what sounded like some sort of hideous, undying machine in here.
:'''Daphne''': We've solved the mystery of the Fright Hound.
:'''Fred''': And your culprit is... (''opens the hood of the mysterious person'')
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma, Daphne and Fred''': Jason's mother of Bendy?
:'''Mrs. Wyatt''': That's right, it was me all along. I saw how you treated my Jason at school. So naturally I did what any mother would do. I built a demonic robot dog to kill you! I framed your little doggy friend to break you up, leaving Jason a clear shot at his true love. But when you showed up and blamed him of all things, I decided to GET RID OF YOU ALL! I gave up a career in military robotics to raise my son, not to watch him get triped on!
:'''Jason''': Now Velma will never want to be my girlfriend. And she would have, too, if it weren't for my meddling mom!
:'''Velma''': I'm sorry, Jason. I should have been clearer with you earlier. But you and me, it's just not gonna happen. But we can still be friends.
:'''Jason''': Really?
:'''Velma''': Yeah. You took that very well.
:'''Jason''': And you touched my knuckle again. Ha ha! (''kisses his fingers'')

===The Secret Serum===
:'''Vampire''': Aaahh! Let me go! I'll drain you all!
:'''Daphne''': Mom! Your vampiring is tearing this family apart! I'm sorry, but you've left me no choice. I'm going to have to stake you.
:'''Vampire''': Wait! I'm not a vampire! I'm-- (''unmasks herself'')
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma, Daphne and Fred''': Sheila Altoonian.
:'''Daphne''': But why?
:'''Sheila''': Isn't it obvious? My looks are starting to fade.
:'''Shaggy''': No. You're gorgeous.
:'''Fred''': No. Your skin is as tight as my ascot.
:'''Sheila''': This is all your mother's fault. We're the same age, but she's so beautiful. She has the skin of a teenager. That's when I realized she must be a vampire. I went to the Dinkley Shop to do a little research and found the recipe for the youth juice. That potion was gonna make me young and beautiful ''forever''. You see, in college I majored in zoology and acrobatics, studying the habits of flying squirrels. I propelled myself into the air with my quad and glute muscles. All this gave me the illusion of a real flying Vampire.
:'''Daphne''': Why didn't you just try maybe wearing a little less makeup? Or a cuter haircut? Or use tape to pull back all your wrinkly sacks of. (''grabs her cheeks with hands'') You know, age gracefully.
:'''Sheila''': Age gracefully? Are you crazy? No, the Vampire serum was my only hope. And I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for you meddling--
:'''Nan Blake''': What's going on here?
:'''Daphne''': Mom!
:'''Sheila''': Even now, she's stealing my moment.
:'''Daphne''': I'm so glad you're not an undead creature of darkness.
:'''Nan Blake''': Thanks, honey.
:'''Daphne''': But what are you doing here? Why have you been sneaking out?
:'''Nan Blake''': I didn't want to say anything, but I've been taking night classes. I'm getting my public notary degree!
:'''Velma''': Oh, how exciting.
:'''Shaggy''': What an opportunity.
:'''Nan Blake''': You know, I may be outrageously gorgeous, but knowledge, knowledge is the key to true beauty. Well, I better get going. I have to figure out what a notary is before tomorrow's final exam. (''laughs'')

===The Shrieking Madness===
:'''Shaggy''': Like, you don't hear many monsters from other dimensions scream for help.
:(''Fred ties the Char Gar Gothakon's mouth with ascot'')
:'''Velma''': This is no monster. (''unmasks Char Gar Gothakon'') It's Howard E. Roberts, Hatecraft's student assistant and biggest fan. Just as I suspected.
:'''Shaggy''': Suspected how?
:'''Velma''': Think about it. We found a book written by Hatecraft, with sentences underlined that smelled like Char Gar Gothakon.
:'''Howard''': Of course it was me. Someone had to defend the Professor against his critics. And what better way than to dress as his greatest creation? Fortunately, I'd taken a class in the military application of sonic shriek technology at the learning annex. Although, in retrospect, it might not have been a good idea to glue real octopus legs to my face.
:'''Everyone''': Ah, so that was the smell!
:'''Velma''': But when Hatecraft admitted he made it up?
:'''Howard''': That's when he had to fall. And he would have, too, if it weren't for the dark elder forces conspiring in the inky black of time most foul! Oh. And you meddling kids.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''The police takes Howard into custody'')
:'''Harlan Ellison''': H.P., are you all right?
:'''Professor Hatecraft''': Harlan. Yes. Just an overeager fan who got carried away.
:'''Harlan Ellison''': Fans. Imbeciles fit only to be gnawed by rabid rats.
:'''Professor Hatecraft''': Yes. Someone could write a book.
:'''Harlan Ellison''': How about, &quot;A boy and his fans&quot;, by Harlan Ellison and H.P. Hatecraft?
:'''Professor Hatecraft''': I was thinking something more along the lines of, &quot;Shavu-ra hatafar, the fan that had no name&quot;.
:'''Harlan Ellison''': Except, uh, you just named it.
:'''Professor Hatecraft''': Don't start with me, Ellison.

===When the Cicada Calls===
:'''Shaggy''': Like, I don't think it's Dr. Yantz!
:'''Velma''': Really? You think?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': Now, get him!
:(''Scooby grabs the Cicada Creature's hat'')
:'''Everyone''': Grandma Moonbeam?
:(''Sheriff Stone, Mayor Jones and the photographer arrive'')
:'''Mayor Jones''': Did we miss it? Where are the bugs?
:'''Fred''': You're the Cicada Creature? But why?
:'''Grandma Moonbeam''': Isn't it obvious? I wanted to shut down Destroido. I found out they added a secret ingredient to make nature slivers more tasty: Landfill waste! I demanded that they return to my original healthy recipe, but they refused, and because they owned it, there was nothing I could DO. I vowed to get even. I saw a Norwegian documentary about a researcher using sound waves to control penguins' movements. I decided to adapt the idea for my revenge. Since I didn't have any penguins, I used cicadas. And I would have succeeded, too, if it hadn't been for you meddling young people.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Well, now, it's the big house for you, grandma. Let's go.
:'''Mayor Jones''': (''sighs'') Why can't anything in this town ever turn out to be real?
:'''Fred''': Glad we could help, dad.
:'''Velma''': Well, another mystery successfully solved.

===Mystery Solvers Club State Finals===
:'''Taffy-Dare''': i was born in 1994 when i was a kid in 1997
:'''Velma''': Look at that. For the time ever, the sidekicks have solved the mystery.
:'''Scooby''': Now, let's see exactly who Lord Infernicus is. (''unmasks the Lord Infernicus'')
:'''Everyone''': The Funky Phantom?!
:'''Mudsy''': That's me, don't you know.
:'''Scooby''': But why?
:'''Mudsy''': I was sick of being a sidekick. Resentful, even. I'm not a real ghost. I'm Jonathan Wellington Muddlemore, actor, thespian, dramatator. I was behind in my rent at the Y, so a friend told me about this clock I could squat in. When they found me and thought I was a ghost, I figured why not. Ghost gig got me 3 hots and a cot, but I got tired of taking a back seat, don't you know. I wanted to headline. I wanted to be the boss. In charge, even. With my own sidekicks. That's when I stumbled upon the mystery solvers state finals. I had workshopped my Lord Infernicus character at various comedy clubs and state fairs around the country. And it has always been a hit. It was a simple matter to use mirrors and a video projector to make myself appear and fly. A little smoke, fireworks, a skeleton puppet identical to my own bone structure for close-up work, a pre-recorded voice, and the deed was done. I even abducted my own cat Boo. The plan was to ship everyone off to Africa, where there is a desperate need for teenage mystery solvers. I then created the ruse with the Guinea pigs; sewing each of their tiny costumes by hand, using the actual vintage fabrics of their real life counterparts just to throw you off track. It was perfect. Genius, even. Until your ridiculous dog started acting like a HERO instead of a SIDEKICK.
:'''Scooby''': (''annoyed'') Ohhh.
:'''Boo the Cat''': You lied to me. Meow! (''attacks Mudsy'')
:'''Shaggy''': Like, Scoob, looks like you and your pals are the heroes of this mystery. Let's hear it for the sidekicks. Hip hip--
:'''Everyone''': Hooray! Hip hip hooray! Hip hip hooray!

===The Wild Brood===
:'''Biker Dude''': Hey, little muffin, how 'bout you and me go for a moonlight ride?
:'''Girl''': No thanks, I'm allergic to the stink of desperation.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Random Spanker Gang Member''': Let's go spank somewhere else!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Oh, Freddie, this is such a romantic setting for our second date.
:'''Fred''': If you say so. All I know is, since my dad owns the place, we get free refills.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Hold it right there, leather-wearing creepy. First section seven forty-one dot B of the Chrystal Cove bylaws; there are no monsters or monster-like creatures allowed in public areas.
:'''Mayor Jones''': Unless tickets are being sold.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Wow, that was very... ''poetical''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Member of The Wild Brood''': Velma, do you believe in love at first sight?
:'''Velma''': In your case... no.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Did you break into the armory and steal a rocket launcher?
:'''Orc''': No.
:'''Daphne''': (''to Fred'') See, I told you, let's go.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Orc''': My gratitude is yours, fair Daph.
:'''Fred''': ''Fair Daph''?! Listen here, ''Tusky'', only I get to call her Daph, and I never say fair!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Orc''': Crazy driving there, Frederick.
:'''Fred''': Thanks. And it's Fred. Unless we're dating, and then it's Freddie.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Okay. Let's see who was trying to give the Wild Brood a bad name.
:(''The Orc unmasks the Impostor Orc'')
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Daphne, Velma and Fred''': Another geek?
:'''The Orcs''': Maxwell?
:'''Shaggy''':  Like, who's Maxwell?
:'''Odnarb''': He works in the copy room at our gaming company. Maxwell, why?
:'''Maxwell''': Why? I'll tell you why. You all thought you were so cool. You never let me join in the beta testing of any of your new video games. No, I was just the lowly copy boy. So I sought my revenge. I made a Wild Brood costume of my own. From that point on, all I had to do was steal a rocket launcher, grab someone to hack the computer to divert the train, reroute said train, board the train from a moving motorcycle, defeat the train's security system, blow up the bridge the train was on, which would cause the Swordfish console to be destroyed in a massive train wreck, ruining your careers and hopefully giving rise to my own in the process. Simple!
:'''Shaggy''': Dude. Seriously?
:'''Maxwell''': Overkill, huh? Well, it might have worked, if it wasn't for you meddling kids. Am I right?
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Daphne, Velma and Fred''': Uh, no.
:'''Velma''': Don't think so.
:'''Shaggy''': Not really.
:(''Maxwell feels sorry'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheriff Stone''': (''puts the Orc mask on Maxwell's face'') And keep that mask on. You geeks freak me out without them. (''drives away with Maxwell arrested'')
:'''Velma''': Don't be so hard on yourself. You tried to do a very brave thing.
:'''Fred''': No, Odnarb was the brave one. He saved us all. Go ahead. Hang with him, Daph.
:'''Odnarb''': We've got to get back to our render farm. But I was thinking... maybe one last ride? I'll let you hold onto my jacket. It's genuine elf thigh.
:'''Daphne''': Oh. No thanks, Od. You're awesome with all your deep thoughts and poetical nobility and stuff. But my heart has always been with Freddy. (''kisses Fred on the cheek'')
:'''Fred''': Yes! In your face, Odnarb, or whoever you are. She digs me. She digs me! SHE DIGS ME!

===Where Aphrodite Walks===
:'''Soccer Player''': Fred missed another match. What he'd get, ''trapped''?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aphrodite''': Run down that mangy mongrel! Run him down with the ''love''! Now!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Professor Pericles''': The antidote to stop Aphrodite has several distinct components: Pewter, found in grout used only in stained glass windows of the eighteenth century. Ectoplasm, or as it's more commonly known, ghost mucus. And finally, rose quartz, mined in the caves beneath Crystal Cove.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Jones''': Silver plated seesaws, Fred, you're not in the love anymore? Then, I'm going to have to let out an unearthly howl and destroy you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': Look, about what happened -
:'''Shaggy''': Yeah, uh, about that...
:'''Velma''': We don't have to -
:'''Shaggy''': No, no way.
:'''Velma''': In fact, I'd prefer -
:'''Shaggy''': Absolutely. My thoughts exactly.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': We've got a great look for everyone!
:'''Shaggy''': Does mine involve wearing a skirt and lipstick?
:'''Daphne''': No...
:'''Shaggy''': Awesome!
:'''Daphne:''': But Scooby's does!
:'''Scooby:''' Not fair!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aphrodite''': I am the goddess of love! Bow at the feet of Aphrodite!
:'''Velma''': I think you mean Amanda. (''unmasks Aphrodite'') Amanda Smythe?
:'''Amanda Smythe''': Oh, you think you're so smart. Do you know how it feels to be humiliated? Me, the smartest and most gifted student in the history of Crystal Cove, laughed at by everyone in this school.
:'''Velma''': Well, actually...
:'''Amanda Smythe''': You know nothing! They had promised me I would be prom queen, but instead they pulled a hideous mask over my face: The face of a monster. They ridiculed me. I left Crystal Cove that night, but I promised that someday I would return. I had always been good at chemistry, so when I stumbled on the formula for an artificial pheromone that could make people lose their minds with love, I knew I would have my revenge.
:'''Daphne''': Why? You're pretty now.
:'''Amanda Smythe''': The scars run deep. I would reclaim the crown that was rightly mine, then I would destroy this town the way it destroyed me. My plan was genius! And I would have succeeded, too, if it wasn't for your olfactory-challenged sidekicks. (''The deputies arrest Amanda'')
:'''Pericles''': I am no one's sidekick.
:'''Scooby''': You said it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shaggy''': Well, Scooby Doo, like, you saved the day.
:'''Scooby''': And Pericles, too.
:'''Daphne''': I guess even a diabolical and criminal bird can change his evil in malevolent ways.
:'''Ed''': (''appears'') Highly doubtful.
:'''Shaggy and Scooby''': (''nervously'') Who--who are you?
:'''Ed''': I am an associate of Mr. E. Pericles left him a message that you should hear. (''plays the recorded tape'')
:'''Pericles''': ''It was I who gave Aphrodite the secret formula. Once that was accomplished, I could go after the real ingredients I needed to find. First, an ancient conquistador's ship manifest. Next, a stone piercing industrial-grade diamond drill bit. And finally, the geological reports from the Darrow Mining Company. Your move, Mr. E.'' (''The tape ends'')
:'''Shaggy''': Okay, can I get a teeny little time-out here? What does any of that stuff have to do with anything?
:'''Ed''': The curse of the haunted treasure, an ancient fortune left behind by the conquistadors that first settled this area. Legend has it that it is buried somewhere deep beneath us, and it now appears that Pericles is on the verge of discovering it. (''Everyone gasp'') And if he does, it could well mean the end of Crystal Cove. (''walks away'')

===Escape from Mystery Manor===
:'''Fred''': Way to go, gang. Who's been served now, huh?
:'''Danny''': I won't deny it, you are a worthy opponent.
:'''Fred''': Gee, thanks. You're not bad yourself.
:'''Danny''': Was that a gage burrow strategy you used back there?
:'''Fred''': You recognized it? You know, I thought at first I'd go with the Orpheus proposition, but I didn't have any milk.
:'''Velma''': (''interrupts Fred'') Excuse me. Sorry to interrupt, but what's the big idea trying to kill us? And what's with this thing?
:'''Danny''': My treasure! I thought you had returned to steal it.
:'''Daphne''': Returned? I think you have us confused with the original Mystery Inc.
:'''Danny''': Say, now that you mention it, you don't look anything like I remember you. Especially that parrot over there.
:'''Scooby''': Thank you.
:'''Danny''': I've made a terrible, terrible mistake. What has become of me? I suppose it started that Halloween night. My family came upon a mysterious artifact, a key to finding the great cursed treasure rumored to lie beneath Crystal Cove. It corrupted us with greed. I had just gotten my hands on it when the earth shook and swallowed our entire house. My loved ones grew old and passed all around me, but I hardly even noticed. Then, those meddling kids showed up. They were after my treasure. I knew it! So I spied on them. And I booby-trapped the whole house in ways that would prey upon their weaknesses. Eh, but they left.
:'''Daphne''': So you've been waiting for them to come back all this time?
:'''Danny''': Truth be told, I kind of lost track. Has it really been that long? How do I look? Haven't let myself go, have I?
:'''Fred''': Uh, no.
:'''Scooby''': You look fine.
:'''Daphne''': I love what you've done with your hair.
:'''Danny''': My whole life has been a waste. (''sits in the chair, dodges the booby-trap arrow launched by crossbow and laughs'') That's one of my earlier models.
:(''The Mansion begins rumbling and collapsing'')
:'''Shaggy''': What's going on?
:'''Danny''': All those traps going off must have awaken the area's fault line. (''falls on the floor broken in half'')
:'''Fred''': Quick, grab my hand!
:'''Danny''': Don't worry about me! (''The gang watches the ceiling breaking outside'') Now's your chance for escape.
:'''Velma''': But your treasure?
:'''Danny''': (''last words'') Keep it! And may it bring you more happiness than it ever brought me. (''The ceiling is still breaking, the light shines outside'') Now, through that crevice before it's too late!
:(''The gang escapes the Mansion collapsed leaving Danny Darrow alone'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': After all that, he saved us.
:'''Velma''': Or did we save him?
:'''Shaggy''': Yeah. Like, he did say this wedge was...
:'''Scooby''': Cursed.
:'''Fred''': Whatever it is, it's our responsibility now. The question is, are there other pieces out there? And if there are, who else is looking for them?
:(''Mayor Jones watches the gang from the car window and drives away'')

===The Dragon's Secret===
:'''Fred''': Ta-da! The Brownberger B-41. It's the trapper's trap.
:'''Mayor Jones''': (''arrives'') Spicy giblet ponies, Fred! Why do you have a geisha tied up in here? You know they belong downtown in Crystal Cove's geisha house of terror.
:'''Fred''': He's not a geisha, dad. He's a wizard. Or at least that's who he's pretending to be...
:(''Velma unmasks White Wizard'')
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Daphne, Velma and Fred''': Mr. Wang?
:'''Scooby''': Big surprise.
:'''Mayor Jones''': What?! Wang?! Why?!
:'''Mr. Wang''': I've searched for the dragon's heart all my life. I tracked it to your silly little town, and it was almost mine. Mine!
:'''Mai Le''': You won't be needing these anymore. (''takes the 4 rings off of Mr. Wang'')
:'''Daphne''': Now it all makes sense. Mr. Wang used his supposed research trip to Crystal Cove as an excuse to hunt for the dragon's heart. When he saw that Mai Le was wearing the fourth dragon ring, he knew he was close. Mr. Wang posed as the evil White Kung Fu Wizard to steal the fourth dragon ring from Mai Le, but Chen pretended to be a Red Wizard in an effort to stop him.
:'''Velma''': After the wizard battle downtown, Mr. Wang came to my house in one last effort to get the ring.
:'''Shaggy''': But how did he make himself fly?
:'''Chen''': Oh, the same way I did, (''takes the White Wizard costume off of Mr. Wang'') jetpack.
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma and Fred''': Oh! Of course.
:'''Daphne''': And the magic lightning bolts?
:'''Velma''': (''shows Mr. Wang's hand'') Homemade Tesla coils. Genius!
:'''Mr. Wang''': It was the perfect plan. That ruby is priceless. I was going to be rich! And I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you--
:'''Fred''': (''masks Mr. Wang with the White Wizard's head'') Save it, Wang. We've heard it all before.
:(''Scooby laughs'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Inside the ship, Mai Le keeps the ruby in secret'')
:'''Mai Le''': Finally mine. So long, Mystery Incorporated.
:(''The ship turns hard left, Mai Le accidentally drops the ruby, Shaggy arrives and catches it'')
:'''Shaggy''': Hello, dude. Or should I say... Mai Le? I went to the airport to see you off, but you weren't on the plane. It was always about the ruby, wasn't it? ''You'' just used us to get Wang out of the way so that you could get the other rings.
:'''Mai Le''': That's right. While you and your idiot friends were explaining Wang's plan, I opened the jade dragon and took the ruby. The dragon's heart belongs to me!
:'''Shaggy''': Fine. Come and get it. (''Mai Le destroys table with her strong fist'') Zoinks!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mai Le''': (''in a Fred's trap'') Let me down, you idiots!
:'''Scooby''': You okay, Shaggy?
:'''Shaggy''': Was everything about you a lie? Like, even us?
:'''Mai Le''': Sorry, dude.
:'''Velma''': He's too good for you, dog issues or no dog issues.
:'''Mai Le''': I still don't know what that means.

===Nightfright===
:(''Daphne unmasks Nightfright'')
:'''Daphne, Velma and Fred''': The production assistant?
:'''Vincent van Ghoul''': No, it's not. It's Argus Fentonpoof, the writer of &quot;Scream, Scream, Time For You to Die.&quot;
:'''Argus''': I'm both. When you pulled out of the movie, they decided not to make it. I went bankrupt. I had to take a job as a production assistant.
:'''Vincent van Ghoul''': But, why have you done this?
:'''Argus''': Well, by scaring you and everyone watching on TV, I was going to prove that Nightfright deserved his own horror movie. Right before you started filming, I hid my Nightfright costume in a closet. I used the conduit to sneak in and put the costume on. I paid the other actors to pretend to be knocked out when I attacked. Of course, I couldn't let anyone know that I was Nightfright. I had to sneak out every now and then, and get everyone coffee.
:'''Harry''': (''arrives'') Hold it right there. I'm Harry Shneste-Boysen, the executive producer of this show. I've been watching the whole thing from my jacuzzi. I'm blown away. (''to Vincent van Ghoul'') Not only is your reality show going to be a surefire hit, (''to Argus'') (''2 deputies handcuff Argus'') but I found your pathetic tale of lost dreams inspiring. It's gonna make a great movie.
:'''Argus''': A movie, about me? Really? Heh. Gee! Uh, you know, none of this would have happened without you meddling kids. Thanks.
:'''Sheriff''': All right, let's go.
:'''Argus''': Bye, everyone! See you on the big screen in 10 to 20 years.
:'''Vincent van Ghoul''': Well, all's well that ends well.

===The Siren's Song===
:'''Dr. Spike''': I would like to see who's been holding me captive all this time. (''unmasks the one Fish Freak'')
:'''Daphne''': Ernesto?
:'''Ernesto''': Hello, comrade Daphne and her fellow comrade mystery-solving teenagers. (''The other 3 Fish Freaks unmask themselves'')
:'''Daphne''': But aren't you against all this anti-environment stuff?
:'''Ernesto''': Funny you should ask. It all started when we were doing a little research into our old foe Destroido. We were going through their trash when we ran across some very interesting information: Dr. Cavanaugh's report on this giant oil deposit off Dead Man's Point. We came up with a plan to make enough money to fund our various protests. We were gonna drill for the oil ourselves and sell it.
:'''Fred''': You were doing this for cash?
:'''Ernesto''': You have no idea how expensive it is to be a grassroots activist! After we found the location of the oil platform, all we had to do was scare off anyone who started nosing into our business. And we would have, too, if that meddling mermaid had kept her fin to herself and never contacted you.
:'''Velma''': Hold on. Are you telling us that you were going to cause a major environmental disaster in order to get the cash to protest against major environmental disasters?
:'''Ernesto''': Yes! You must be willing to kill the environment to save it.
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma, Daphne and Fred''': Uhh... no. I don't think that's right.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': Hey, you're not a mermaid!
:'''Dr. Spike''': Allow me to introduce my lovely wife Amy Cavanaugh, ordinary human and professional Commercial jingle singer.
:'''Fred''': That explains why your eerily beautiful singing voice made me want to put on deodorant!
:(''Velma is disappointed'')
:'''Amy''': Velma...
:'''Velma''': You lied to me. You acted like you were my friend, and I believed you. 
:'''Amy''': I'm sorry. I came up with the mermaid character out of desperation. I'd gone to the police to report that my husband had been kidnapped by Fish Freaks, but they just laughed at me, then asked for directions to the oil platform so they could add it as a stop to on the Crystal Cove Mystery Tour. I thought that if I could make it sound like one of your mysteries, you'd help me rescue my husband. And you did.
:'''Velma''': How do you even know about us?
:'''Amy''': I read your blog. I'm a fan.
:'''Velma''': Does that mean you're going to stay in touch?
:'''Amy''': If you'd like to me to.
:'''Velma''': Well... whatever. It's your decision. But I wouldn't mind if you did. As far as helping, it's what we do. Our friend Angel also deserves a lot of credit. She knew about Destroido's involvement from some old newspaper articles. That's how we made the connection.
:'''Amy''': Newspaper articles? That's strange. Destroido covered the whole thing up. The papers never even knew about it.
:'''Velma''': Hmm.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In K-Ghoul, Angel Dynamite looks at the LP and Velma appears behind'')
:'''Angel''': Lordy, Velma! Baby, you just about scared me out of my skin-tight leather foxy pants. What's with all the sneaking around?
:'''Velma''': You tell me.
:'''Angel''': What's that supposed to mean?
:'''Velma''': For the short amount of time that you've been in Crystal Cove, you sure know a lot about this town's mystery history.
:'''Angel''': Well, I'm just curious by nature. Remember the heebedy-jeebedies?
:'''Velma''': Stop. One of my big problems, on a list that's long and distinguished, is that despite my skeptical nature, I trust people. I want to see the best in them. Unfortunately, they usually let me down. Things have been adding up for me, Angel. The help you gave us on this oil platform mystery, the diary you provided for the Mystery Manor case; stuff that you shouldn't know and shouldn't have had, no matter what the heebedy-jeebedy.
:'''Angel''': What are you saying?
:'''Velma''': I'm saying Angel Dynamite isn't your real name. I think your real name is Cassidy Williams, and you're one of the members of the original Mystery Incorporated that vanished in the caves beneath Crystal Cove. Tell me I'm wrong... friend.

===Menace of the Manticore===
:(''Angel Dynamite enters the Mr. E's lair'')
:'''Angel''': The Mystery, Inc. kids have found a piece of the Planispheric Disk.
:'''Mr. E''': So now, we know where 2 of the pieces are. Good work, Angel.
:'''Angel''': Just remember, I'm working with you, not for you, E. I'm worried about those kids.
:'''Mr. E''': Why?
:'''Angel''': Pericles is loose, and that nutso parrot might go after the piece, which puts them in danger, and us, if the former members of our club get wind of it.
:'''Mr. E''': Don't worry, little Angel. The other 2 won't move a muscle as long as Fred Jones is still alive.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Look at that! Are Manticores double-jointed?
:'''Velma''': This is no Manticore, Daphne. This is... (''unmasks the Manticore'')
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Daphne and Fred''': Hot Dog Water?
:'''Velma''': Just as I suspected. It totally makes sense when you put the clues together. Someone with computer skills had to make that fake website, and Hot Dog Water has those skills. And remember, just before the Manticore attacked, I smelled something familiar. It was briny, greasy hot dog water. (''to Hot Dog Water'') But what I don't know is why Shaggy and Scooby had such high voices after you attacked them before, or why you'd want this amusement park to close so badly.
:'''Hot Dog Water''': How could you know? Your intellect is so far inferior to mine. (''takes off the Manticore's outfit'') It all started on a boring Friday night when I didn't have a date.
:'''Velma''': Hard to imagine.
:'''Hot Dog Water''': I decided to run some experiments on the steel used to build the park's rides. I found that if you melted the steel down and combined it with chromium, stalagmite, and mercury phosphate, it created a kind of super helium. Shaggy and Scooby must have inhaled some helium gas from the Manticore's posterior relief hole. That's why their voices were so high. I figured if I could get the park to close, I could take all the steel, melt it down, and sell the super helium to the Australian zeppelin fleet. I'd have made a fortune and shown you up in the process, Velma.
:(''Sheriff arrests Hot Dog Water'')
:'''Daphne''': Another mystery solved.
:'''Fred''': It still seems like something's missing.
:(''The Fortune Telling Machine prints the fortune'')
:'''Hot Dog Water''': (''reads'') &quot;Meddling kids and their dog will foil your plan.&quot;
:'''Fred''': Yep. That would be it.
:(''Sheriff drives away'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angel''': I know who has the Planispheric Disk piece, but not where.
:'''Mr. E''': Speak.
:'''Angel''': I put a bug on Velma when I saw her earlier. She didn't suspect a thing. Later, I heard Fred tell her that Shaggy and Scooby have the piece. But he didn't say anything more than that.
:'''Mr. E''': He told Velma and us enough. Everything will work out just fine. You see, Scooby is a far more trusting companion than Pericles was to me.

===Attack of the Headless Horror===
:(''Sheriff Stone arrives with Cachinga in the police car'')
:'''Sheriff Stone''': What in the name of kettle corn is going on? I thought you said he (Cachinga) was the creature.
:'''Daphne''': Sorry we had to trick you, Sheriff, but we needed everyone to believe it was Cachinga (''Fred deactivates the trap'') so we could set a trap for the person who's really behind this.
:(''Fred unmasks the Headless Horror'')
:'''Headless Horror/Marion''': (''gasps'')
:'''Rick Spartan''': Marion!
:'''Sheriff Stone''': But how did you know that she'd attack? I don't get that!
:'''Fred''': We knew that if Dr. Spartan found out that the curse was fake he'd want to go back to living a life of adventure in the jungle.
:'''Velma''': A life she definitely didn't want.
:'''Marion''': (''annoyed'') Fine. I admit it.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Well, you kind of have to. We caught you in the costume. But how--how did you know it was her?
:'''Fred''': We found this ring at the botanical gardens. A woman's ring. (''to Marion'') You went to Oxford, too, didn't you?
:'''Marion''': Yes. (''puts the ring on her finger'')
:'''Rick Spartan''': But, Marion, why did you do it?
:'''Marion''': Because I love you! Because I hate living in the jungle. It's icky. I decided if I couldn't convince you to give up that life, I'd scare you out of it. I came up with the fake legend of Sklar Gringat. I forged an ancient map to the ruins and put it someplace you'd find it. I knew you wouldn't be able to resist the challenge. You would be so consumed with finding your next great treasure, you wouldn't be thinking of me, as usual. I pretended to break my ankle because I knew you'd send Cachinga for help and go up into the ruins by yourself. And when you did, my plan fell into place. It gave me a chance to sneak around the back of the ruins, which were actually an old abandoned movie set. The Headless Horror costume was the final piece of the puzzle. I had it specially designed and took months of pilates to train my abdominal muscles to the point where I could control the mouth with my abs.
:'''Rick Spartan''': But the shrunken head... It talked to me.
:'''Marion''': I got it at a Halloween store. You can record whatever you want it to say. I'm sorry, darling. I never meant to hurt you. I just wanted us to live a normal life. Which we could have if it weren't for those meddling sycophants. Can you ever forgive me?
:'''Rick Spartan''': Sure, I do, baby. I know I'm not the easiest guy to live with. You were just trying to get through to me. Don't worry, we'll work it out. (''He and Marion kiss'') Sheriff, I don't want to press any charges.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Yeah, I, uh, figured.
:'''Rick Spartan''': Take me back to my room?
:'''Marion''': Anything.
:'''Rick Spartan''': Cachinga, come.
:'''Cachinga''': (''leaves the police car with the spear'') Thank you. It's been lovely.

===A Haunting in Crystal Cove===
:'''Shadowy Figure''': Oof. Eahhh! Wood gets older than kindle!
:'''Scooby''': Nice to see you again... (''unmasks the Shadowy Figure'')
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Daphne, Velma and Fred''': Professor Pericles.
:'''Pericles''': Well, hello, children. How did you know?
:'''Velma''': Simple. There's only one brain large enough, beside my own, that could have pulled this off. We found the trojan horse program you put on Fred's laptop that let you control all of Fred's traps remotely.
:'''Pericles''': Fred really should have come up with a more secure password than &quot;trappin' guy&quot;.
:'''Shaggy''': Once you had control of the traps, it was like totally simple to simulate a haunting and terrify the Mayor.
:'''Velma''': And your avian attributes provided the means to make your spooky shadow creep float like a real ghost.
:'''Daphne''': Too bad for you your avian diet gave you away.
:'''Pericles''': Oh, what can I say? A bird's got to eat.
:'''Fred''': It still doesn't explain where my dad is, and why you were haunting him.
:'''Pericles''': Why do you think? I wanted his piece of the Planispheric Disk, of course. I knew he would have it close. I just didn't know where. So I decided to scare it out of him.
:'''Fred''': (''looks at the mysterious piece'') Planispheric Disk? (''to Pericles'') But how did you know he had it in the first place?
:'''Pericles''': Because, dear friend, he stole it from me a long time ago. (''the gang is confused'') Don't believe me? Ask him yourself. (''takes off the Shadowy Figure costume and pushes the remote control's button that changes the stairs to slide, Fred unhands the piece of the Planispheric Disk and the gang falls down to the basement'') (''takes the piece #1 of the Planispheric Disk'') I am the smartest criminal parrot in the world! You didn't think I have a back-up plan? (''laughs'') Until we meet again. ''Auf wiedersehen'', Mystery Incorporated. (''flies away'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Scooby''': Did you know we were standing on a trap?
:'''Fred''': (''grabs Daphne'') Honestly, there's so many in this house, I've kinda lost track.
:(''The gang hears a man trapped in a sheet'')
:'''Shaggy''': Zoinks! Another ghost!
:'''Fred''': Dad! (''releases Daphne and uncovers the sheet'') You're okay!
:'''Mayor Jones''': Dimpled puppet eggs, Fred! I am clearly not okay. Untie me.
:'''Fred''': (''unties his dad'') Dad, the house wasn't haunted at all. It was Professor Pericles.
:'''Mayor Jones''': Pericles? Are you sure? Did he get the--?
:'''Daphne''': Planispheric Disk? Yeah. He said you stole it from him.
:'''Mayor Jones''': That's... that's absurd! We confiscated it off him years ago, when we locked him up. I've felt it was best to keep it here, safe. That's why I went back in for it.
:'''Velma''': Mayor Jones, why would Professor Pericles want that piece of the Disk so badly?
:'''Mayor Jones''': Oof! Ha! Ha! How should I know? Are you kids trying to imply something? Because if you are--
:'''Fred''': No, no, dad. We're just all really happy you're okay. That's what's important, right, gang? This mystery is over. (''hugs Mayor Jones'')
:'''Daphne''': I'm not sure this mystery is over at all.

===Dead Justice===
:'''Velma''': Time to reveal who Dead Justice really is. (''unmasks Dead Justice'')
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma, Daphne and Fred''': Deputy Bucky?
:'''Sheriff Stone''': What? Bucky, you were like a father to me!
:'''Bucky''': You're 20 years older than me!
:'''Sheriff Stone''': There's no proof of that. Why'd you do it?
:'''Velma''': Sheriff, I think we can explain.
:'''Daphne''': Bucky was tired of being just a deputy. He craved the power and prestige of the Sheriff's office.
:'''Fred''': Bucky failed every one of his promotion exams. But it wasn't just his grades that got me thinking.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, Bucky's a doodler, and his drawings looked an awful lot like Dead Justice's demon bullets.
:'''Velma''': Bucky disguised himself as the Ghost of Dead Justice and chased down the town's most wanted.
:'''Daphne''': He knew nothing would hurt Sheriff Stone more than losing his job to his hero.
:'''Fred''': The only thing I don't understand is how he created those bullets.
:'''Bucky''': CGI. It's all CGI these days. I programmed a laser pointer to simulate the animation.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Much as I hate to admit it, I owe you kids one. (''Fred puts his hand on Sheriff's shoulder but he lets it go'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Jones''': (''gives an award to Sheriff Stone'') People of Crystal Cove, there's a new old new Sheriff in town.
:(''The crowd cheers and applauds'')
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Thanks, Mayor Jones. And... Thanks for giving me a raise.
:'''Mayor Jones''': Raise? What raise? An hour ago, your job was free. Don't think I won't find another undead lawman if I have to.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': (''laughs'') You're joking, right?
:'''Fred''': You know, dad, Bucky would have gotten away with it if it hadn't have been for us meddling kids. Maybe a little thank you might be, uh...
:'''Mayor Jones''': Uh, that's great, Fred. Listen, I'm late for a work meeting. (''leaves'')
:'''Fred''': But work's that way. (''Daphne arrives'') Why do I even bother?
:'''Daphne''': (''accompanies Fred'') He cares, Fred, in his own way.

===Pawn of Shadows===
:'''Professor Hatecraft''': Now, Regina, time to come clean and reveal that you're-- (''unmasks The Obliteratrix'')
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Daphne, Velma and Fred''': Alice May?
:'''Professor Hatecraft''': Who's Alice May?
:'''Daphne''': She once pretended to be a Ghost Girl to kidnap Fred for her man posse because she wanted revenge for her father, the Creeper.
:'''Shaggy''': But, like, how did you get out of jail?
:'''Alice May''': I got out with the help of the same person who sent me to destroy you... Mr. E!
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Daphne, Velma and Fred''': Huh?
:'''Angel Dynamite''': Huh?
:'''Alice May''': E enlisted my services to put you kids in danger in hopes of drawing out his enemy, Professor Pericles. He figured if Pericles thought you were in trouble, he'd come to your rescue. E knew if he could get Pericles to reveal himself, it'd leave his piece of the Planispheric Disk vulnerable. Everything was fake. Special effects.
:'''Shaggy''': But, like, where'd you get all the high-tech stuff? How'd you disappear?
:'''Alice May''': E took care of that. It was all courtesy of one of Destroido's shell corporations: Quest Research Laboratories. They supplied me with everything I needed: Weapons, a high-tech cloaking device, even the effects.
:'''Angel Dynamite''': (''handcuffs Alice'') So this was all staged by Mr. E to use the kids as parrot bait.
:'''Alice May''': That's right. And it would have worked, too, if I hadn't been stopped by you, Miss meddling sassy pants!
(''Next scene in the police car with Sheriff Stone and Alice May arrested'')
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Wait, so are you telling me that you escaped from prison months ago, and I never noticed? (''laughs'') I don't think so. (''drives away'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': Well, gang, another mystery solved.
:'''Daphne''': I just wish we could have done something about your job, Professor Hatecraft.
:'''Dean''': (''arrives with car'') H.P.? Yoo-hoo! Oh, there you are, you dear man.
:'''Professor Hatecraft''': Don't worry, Dean Fenk. I'm on my way to clean out my office now.
:'''Dean''': Clean out your office? Oh, never. Heh! Haven't you heard the wonderful news? The song &quot;Char Gar Gothakon&quot;, based on your novel, is a huge hit in Japan. And since Darrow College published the book, we're gonna make a fortune! (''Professor Hatecraft is amazingly surprised'') Now, I'm giving you Regina's old office Vampire books are so done and I'm having the dusk mobile repainted. (''she and Professor Hatecraft drive away'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': Well, Angel, it looks like we owe you one.
:'''Scooby''': Yeah. You saved our tails.
:'''Daphne''': How'd you know where we were?
:'''Velma''': It's time, Angel. I can't keep this secret anymore.
:'''Angel Dynamite''': I wanted to tell you kids earlier, but I was afraid. 
:'''Scooby''': Afraid of what? 
:'''Angel Dynamite''': Of telling you the truth. My real name isn't Angel Dynamite. It's Cassidy Williams. I'm one of the original members of Mystery Incorporated that disappeared.
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Daphne and Fred''': What?
:'''Angel Dynamite/Cassidy''': It was all an accident. We should have never been in that condemned church. But Brad said he'd seen someone coming and going at night, and he wanted to investigate. We thought we'd found a treasure map, but it wasn't treasure; it was a threat, to not just our lives but the lives of our families. The thing in those caves forced us to leave Crystal Cove, or those who loved us would pay the price.
:(''Shaggy and Scooby are terrified'')
:'''Shaggy''': L-l-like, who threatened you?
:'''Angel Dynamite/Cassidy''': He called himself the Freak. The Freak of Crystal Cove. There, now you know the truth. That's what happened to the original Mystery Incorporated, and it will happen to all of you if you don't stop! Forget about the Planispheric Disk. Give Pericles your piece, or Mr. E. I don't care. The mystery is over. Let it end tonight!
:'''Fred''': You lied to us, Angel. You've been lying to us from the beginning. Why should we listen to anything you have to say to us now? This mystery isn't over until we say it's over. Come on, gang.
:'''Angel Dynamite/Cassidy''': No. No, you don't understand. He's still out there. (''The gang drives away'') The Freak is still out there!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Freak''': The curse begun, but soon they'll see, the buried truth will end with me. (''laughs'')

===All Fear the Freak===
:'''Pericles''': Hello, Ed Machine.
:'''Ed''': What are you doing here?
:'''Pericles''': I'd like you to deliver a message to Ricky. Or should I call him ''Mr. E''?
:'''Ed''': (''last words'') Say what you want to say Pericles, then get out of my house.
:'''Pericles''': (''chuckles'') Dear Ed, you misunderstand. I don't want to say ''anything''. (''attacks Ed Machine in the dark'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''The gang arrives at an old ruined church'')
:'''Fred''': This is where the mystery started, gang. And tonight, this is where it ends.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nan''': ''[gasps] [Barty: Unh!] [Points Mayor Jones and grabs Daphne and takes Daphne home]'' This is your fault, mystery incorporated is over.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheriff Stone''': What have you kids done now? First I get a hysterical call from the Rogers saying Scooby and Shaggy jumped out the window during still life night. And then other parents start phoning, saying that their kids have disappeared. And then Angel calls me all frantic about-- Who is this guy?
:'''Fred''': I'll tell you who he is, Sheriff. The Freak of Crystal Cove... (''unmasks the Freak'') is my father.
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Daphne and Velma''': Mayor Jones?
:'''Sheriff Stone''': (''gasps'') But...?
:'''Mayor Jones''': How did you know?
:'''Fred''': When I found out both pictures of my mother were just cut-outs from a magazine, I checked the dates on the back. It was the same day I was born, or what you said was the same day I was born. Still, I wasn't sure. Not until now. Why?
:'''Mayor Jones''': Why do you think? Because of the curse. For years I'd heard about the curse and the supposed haunted treasure. That was the reason I came to Crystal Cove. I'd been accepted to Darrow University's history department, which gave me access to the town archives. When I found the story about the conquistadors that disappeared, I decided to disguise myself and begin my search for the Planispheric Disk. Sadly, I found nothing. Until Mystery Incorporated walked into the library seeking advice. They had no idea what they'd found. Well, that wasn't true. Actually, their mascot knew. For access to my knowledge, Pericles was willing to betray his friends. We concocted a scheme to blackmail the kids into leaving town by threatening them with fabricated documents implicating their parents in various crimes. They were unaware of my true identity, but I still had one loose end. Pericles had to go. I placed an anonymous call to the police implicating him in the kids' disappearance. By the time, Pericles woke, he was already in custody. He was sentenced to spend the rest of his miserable parrot life where he belonged... in a cage. Becoming mayor allowed me to continue my search for the remaining pieces. And I would have found them, too, if it weren't for you, my meddling-- Fred.
:'''Fred''': That still doesn't explain what happened to my mother. I wanna know where she is.
:'''Mayor Jones''': The truth is, I don't know. I assume she's still with Brad Chiles.
:'''Daphne''': Wait, are you saying that Judy Reeves is Fred's mother? But that would mean...
:'''Mayor Jones''': Brad Chiles is your real father. (''Fred is shocked'') Two years after they left, Brad tried to return to Crystal Cove. By that time, he and Judy had married and she'd given birth to a baby boy. I had to stop Brad. I took you and told him you'd be safe, as long as they never returned again.
:'''Fred''': All this for a treasure no one's even sure exists? Where's the piece?
:'''Mayor Jones''': Fred, you're still my son. I raised you.
:'''Fred''': You used me. Where'd you hide it? In your pocket? (''tries to search the piece in his pocket but it's empty'')
:'''Mayor Jones''':  It's gone? We have to find it. That piece is priceless. Fred! (''Fred puts Mayor Jones down'') Uhh. Fred! (''Fred runs away and Daphne follows him'')
:'''Sheriff Stone''': (''sobbing'') Tell me this isn't true.
:'''Daphne''': Fred, I'm sorry. You'll get through this.
:'''Fred''': My whole life has been a lie, Daphne. I have parents I've never known.
:'''Daphne''': We'll find them. Together.
:'''Fred''': No. I need to do this on my own. I'm sorry, Daphne, the engagement is off. I'm leaving Crystal Cove, and I'm leaving tonight, and do nothing.
:'''Daphne''': But what about us? Mystery Incorporated?
:'''Fred''': This is Velma's fault, Scooby is not getting farm anymore.
:'''Shaggy''': But...
:'''Fred''': ''[points Nan]'' You're fired. You're Shaggy is not getting soldier general anymore. Mystery Incorporated is dead. (''walks away'')
:'''Nan''': You can't fired me, I quit!
:'''Daphne''': Shaggy, Scooby, do something.
:'''Shaggy''': Freddy. (''his parents stop him and Scooby'') Oh, mom, dad. Like, what gives?
:'''Paula Rogers''': Norville, your father and I have given this a lot of thought, and we feel it best you go away for a while.
:'''Shaggy''': What? Go away?! Like, where?
:'''Colton Rogers''': Farmsdale Military Academy.
:'''Paula Rogers''': And don't worry about Scooby. We found him a nice farm to live on.
:'''Scooby''': (''shocked'') Farm?!
:'''Shaggy''': Huh?!
:'''Velma''': ''[Daphne sobbin']'' It'll be okay, Daph. Fred will come back.
:'''Daphne''': (''crying'') Didn't you hear him? Mystery Incorporated is dead. If you had just told us about Angel sooner, this never would have happened. (''walks away'')
:(''Velma's parents take her in the car'')
:'''Shaggy''': Well, like, dudes, I can't go to military school. I'm an eater, not a fighter.
:'''Pericles''': What an amusing turn of events.
:'''Scooby''': (''yelps'') Pericles!
:'''Pericles''': Don't be afraid, Scooby. I've no reason to hurt you. (''holds up piece'') I have what I came for. (''chuckles'')
:'''Scooby''': The mayor's piece! ''You'' have it!
:'''Pericles''': Two down, four to go. (''opens car window'') Until we meet again, ''auf wiedersehn'', Scooby-Doo. (''laughs and flies away'')
:'''Scooby''': I'll get the gang back together, Pericles. We'll be coming for you, or my name isn't Scooby-Dooby-Doo!

== Season 2 ==

===The Night the Clown Cried===
:'''Crybaby Clown''': You all know me. You know how I earn a living. I'm a bad clown. Stopping me ain't going to be easy. There's no string and a net to catching me like Mano Tiki Tia or Redbeard's ghost. This Crybaby Clown swallow your town whole. (''chuckles'') You want your tourism back? You're gonna pay me $5 million. For that, you get the pacifier, the rattle, the whole darn clown. So what's it going to be? Me, or Mystery Incorporated?
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Well, it sounds like a good deal to me. I'll start passing the hat. So long, mystery goofs.
:'''Scooby''': Hold on, Clown! That is our town.
:'''Shaggy''': (''chuckles nervously'') That's right! And we don't need money to protect it. Although it would be nice-- (''Velma hits him with elbow'') Ow!
:'''Velma''': Freddy, I think it's trapping time.
:'''Fred''': Right, Velma! And I know the perfect g-- the perfect-- ah-- I-- guh!
:'''Mayor Nettles''': What's wrong?
:'''Fred''': I-- my trapping knowledge! It's gone! My mind is-- is empty!
:'''Crybaby Clown''': Wahh wahh. So tragic. Oh, well, I offered. (''The door closes abruptly and the lights are shut off'') Time's up, Crystal Cove.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crybaby Clown''': Aww, this makes me think you don't like me. Wahh wahh! And by the way, building your little donut shop trap next to a fireworks store might not have been the best idea. See ya soon, Mystery Incorporated! (''throws the baby bottle bomb in the fireworks store to explode. Crybaby Clown drives away'')
:'''Velma''': Run!
:'''Fred''': Daphne!
:'''Velma''': Isn't coming!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''':  Well, I think it's safe to say, if the town didn't hate us before. This should certainly do the trick.
:(''Fred feels disappointed'')
:'''Scooby''': Freddy? Are you okay?
:'''Fred''': No, Scoob, I'm not. My trap failed, and for the first time, the bad guy got away. And it's my fault.
:'''Shaggy''': We're all responsible, Fred. We're a team, remember?
:'''Fred''': That's just it, Shaggy. We're not a team. Not without Daphne. And now I know... she's never coming back.

===The House of the Nightmare Witch===
:(''Sheriff Stone handcuffs Baba Yaga'')
:'''Fred''': And now, let's see who Baba Yaga really is. (''unmasks Baba Yaga'')
:'''Everyone''': Curator Vronsky?
:'''Velma''': Exactly. He was using Baba Yaga's house to smuggle stolen Fabergé eggs into the country.
:'''Curator Vronsky''': That's right. I was going to sell them on the black market. Finally, I was to be a rich capitalist with all my loot. I had it planned ''perfectly''. Before becoming a museum curator, I spent many years in Spetsnaz, Soviet Special Forces. This allowed me to make modifications on the house using what I could find on the ship. I even put a remote control in my walking stick to move the house. I needed to get assistant curator Anna Arkadyevna out of the way before she became suspicious of my plan. I tied her up and kept her prisoner in the house while I donned the Baba Yaga costume and used the voice modulator to frighten away the curious. But, when one of the eggs was damaged, I had to alter the plan. But you ''brats'' kept interrupting my repair of the legs. I could not leave any of my precious eggs behind. There were too many. I needed the house to carry them all. And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for you decadent bourgeoisie teenagers and your slobbering, democracy-loving dog!
:'''Anna''': I had my suspicions of Vronsky all along. That is why I came with him. Thank you for saving the Fabergé eggs, our national treasure.

===The Night the Clown Cried II: Tears of Doom!===
:'''Fred''': And now let's see who Crybaby Clown really is. (''unmasks the Crybaby Clown'')
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma, Daphne, Hot Dog Water and Fred''': Baylor Hotner!
:'''Baylor Hotner''': That's right-''ner''. Actor, humanitarian, guy with amazingly super awesome abs. I came here to Crystal Cove to research the part of a crazed clown for my upcoming blockbuster movie, &quot;The Night the Clown Cried&quot;. It was gonna be my ''Oscar''. Using my knowledge of Hollywood makeup and effects and a trick buggy I stole from the back lot, I honed my crazed clown performance to perfection. Then, I built my entourage: a therapist, a hairdresser, a plastic surgeon, and a publicist. Everything I needed to be a great actor. Of course, I put tracking chips in all of them because you have to know where your posse is at all times. I even had an innocent small-town girl that would make me look like the nicest guy. I had it all! And I would have been the world's greatest Hollywood thespian, too, if it hadn't have been for you small-town scene stealers.
:'''Daphne''': (''slaps Baylor'') Small-town that, Baylor Hotner. These are my friends. Take him away, Sheriff.
:(''Sheriff Stone arrests Baylor'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Thanks, guys. You, uh, really saved me.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, you're one of us.
:'''Fred''': Um, you know, Daphne, you could come back to me... to the gang, I mean.
:'''Daphne''': Really? I'd like that. Very much.
:'''Scooby''': (''hugs Daphne'') Hooray! Daphne's back. Group hug. (''Fred, Velma, and Shaggy hug Daphne'') Scooby-Dooby-Doo! And Daphne, too. (''laughs'')

===Web of the Dreamweaver!===
:'''Shaggy''': Hey, gang, look at this. (''shows the newspaper to the gang'') Last night Horbert Feist, prominent banker, drove his car at high speed into the Crystal Cove bank.
:'''Scooby''': Why would he do that?
:'''Daphne''': I don't know and I don't care, but a mystery is just the thing we need now to wipe away our skull-crushing guilt.
:'''Fred''': I'm in. Velma?
:'''Velma''': (''a bit sad'') Sure, I could use a little soul cleansing right about now.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': (''imprisones Horbert Feist'') Horbert Feist, I must advise you not to say anything until your lawyer arrives. And don't say anything then, either!
:(''The gang arrives'')
:'''Fred''': Hi, Sheriff Stone.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': What are you kids doing here?
:'''Daphne''': We've come to ask what you know about Mr. Feist.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': What? Look, who said I knew him? I've never seen him before in my life. (''The gang is confused'') All I know is he's a thief, and he belongs behind bars.
:'''Shaggy''': A thief? Papers didn't say anything about that. What'd he steal?
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Nothing I could find, but you don't need to steal something to be a thief.
:'''Horbert''': Come on, Bronson. You've known me for years! We grew up together. You know I'd never steal anything.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': (''singing and covering his ears'') La la la, la la la, can't hear you, la la la la. (''leaves'')
:'''Fred''': Mr. Feist, can you tell us what happened last night?
:'''Horbert''': Everything was normal. I was asleep, and then I had this terrible dream.
::(''In the dream world, which is a labyrinth based on Escher's House of Stairs, Horbert runs in fear trying to escape from the Dreamweaver until he finds him carrying a glowing purple orb'')
::'''Dreamweaver''': I've come for you, Horbert. (''Horbert runs to the other side but the Dreamweaver appeared on the other side'') Breath of frost. (''uses the purple orb to attack Horbert making him paralyzed'') (''to Horbert's ear'') Level 99.
:'''Horbert''': And the next thing I knew, I was driving my car into the bank.
:'''Shaggy''': That's the weirdest dream I've ever heard, and I've had some pretty weird dreams.
:'''Horbert''': I loved that car... more than my own children! And now it's gone. Gone! (''sobs'')
:'''Velma''': Feist's alibi is pretty weak, and that dream... What does level 99 mean?
:'''Shaggy''': How would I know? Oh. (''whimpers'')
:(''In the dream world, Francilee Jackson runs in fear trying to escape from the Dreamweaver until she finds him'')
:'''Dreamweaver''': No one can escape, Francilee. (''uses the purple orb to shine with lightning and the rope gets out of it'') Ropes of binding!
::'''Francilee''': (''runs to the other side'') No! It can't be! You can't be back! (''The rope catches Francilee'') Please. Please. This can't be happening!
:'''Dreamweaver''': (''to Francilee's ear'') Twenty-sided dice.
:(''The Dreamweaver laughs maniacally and Francilee screams in horror'')
:(''In Francilee's tv show &quot;The Francilee Show&quot;, the audience is applauding'')
:'''Francilee''': Now, no meal is complete without cornbread stuffing. And the best cornbread stuffing in the world is Francilee's Cornbread Stuffing! (''the audience applauds again'') Made from my little ol' super secret family recipe handed down through generations. And the super secret about Francilee's Cornbread Stuffing is there ain't even no corn in it! (''The audience gasps'') Oh, my goodness, why did I say that? (''starts sleeping'')
:(''The screen is shut off by Sheriff Stone, revealing the tv screen in the next scene'')
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Lying about there being corn in your cornbread stuffin'-- that's what we in the sheriffing world call fraud! I think.
:'''Francilee''': (''in the prison cell'') Oh, Bronson, how can you do this to little ol' me? We've known each other since we was chillun!
:'''Sheriff Stone''': What?! I've never seen your face before in my life!
:'''Daphne''': But it's on the box in your hand.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': What box? (''hides the box in his back'') What hand? (''The gang tries to look the box in Sheriff Stone's Back'') I--I have to go now to destroy this very tasty evidence.
:'''Scooby''': Uh, we'll help!
:'''Daphne''': Mrs. Jackson, tell us what happened.
:'''Francilee''': It's a mystery. Took me a nap this afternoon, and I had this frightful dream! When I woke up, I was on the TV, and everyone knew my recipe! I loved that secret stuffin' recipe more than my own chillun, and now it's ruined! (''sobs hardly'')
:'''Velma''': Did your dream by any chance involve a labyrinth, spells, a purple orb, and a mysterious inhuman mage?
:'''Francilee''': Yes, exactly!
:'''Fred''': Did the pointy-eared freakwad say anything?
:'''Francilee''': Yes, he said, &quot;twenty-sided dice.&quot;
:(''Shaggy whimpers and Sheriff Stone is a bit shocked'')
:'''Francilee''': First Horbert, now me? I don't know who all's doing this, but I know who all will be next: Melvin Keisterbaum.
:'''Daphne''': Melvin Keisterbaum?
:(''Daphne drives the Mystery Machine'')
:'''Daphne''': Mr. Keisterbaum lives in the big house next-door to my parents. We have to warn him! (''The gang arrives at Melvin's big house'') We're here. (''knocks the door'') Mr. Keisterbaum? Hello? Guess he's not home.
:(''The gang leaves the mansion, in a moment an explosion appears in it, the gang falls down to the ground'')
:'''Fred''': (''lifts Daphne'') Daph? Unh.
:'''Daphne''': Thanks, Fred.
:'''Fred''': No probs, Daph. It's what anyone who's just a friend would do for anyone else who's just a friend.
:(''Daphne smiles and Velma finds a broken light bulb'')
:'''Velma''': Hmm. What's this? A broken light bulb? Never seen one like this before.
:'''Melvin''': (''arrives'') My mansion! My beautiful mansion! I loved that mansion more than my own children... if I had any.
:'''Daphne''': Mr. Keisterbaum, what happened?
:'''Melvin''': Who knows? One moment I'm asleep on the couch, the next I'm standing in the garden with an empty canister of napalm.
:'''Daphne''': Did you have any dreams?
:'''Melvin''': Yes! I was in a labyrinth, and there were spells, a strange glowing orb, and a terrible monster! He was saying one word over and over: &quot;Dreamweaver. Dreamweaver!&quot;
:'''Velma''': Level 99, twenty-sided dice, Dreamweaver. What's the connection?
:'''Shaggy''': Like, what are you asking me for? Do I look like the kind of nerd that plays Crypts and Creatures?
:'''Fred''': Crypts and Creatures? Isn't that the nerdy fantasy role-playing game that nerdy nerds play?
:'''Shaggy''': Like, it--um--I... OK, fine. Like, yeah. I was a closet C&amp;C player. I used to roll the dice every night.
::(''Flashback starts, in Shaggy's bedroom'')
::'''Shaggy''': (''playing Crypts and Creatures with dice'') Come on, saving throw. Shagdolf needs a new pair of +5 forks of feasting.
::'''Paula Rogers''': (''outside the room door, knocking on it'') Norville? What are you doing in there? Norville?
::'''Shaggy''': Mom! Like, no, mom! No! Don't come in! Please don't come in!
::(''Next, in the school with Emmanuel'')
:'''Shaggy''': (''narrates'') ''Then, one day, I thought my science teacher was a bugbear, and I smote him with a magic missile.''
::'''Shaggy''': I smite thee with magic missile! Magic missile! Magic missile! Magic missile! Magic missile!
::(''Flashback ends'')
:'''Shaggy''': Roll crit. Yes. Double damage! Ha ha ha ha! And that's when I knew I had to quit.
:'''Scooby''': (''laughs'') It's all right to be a nerd, ''Shagdolf''. (''laughs again'')
:(''Sheriff Stone arrives with police car'')
:'''Melvin''': Bronson, he's after us. You're next!
:'''Sheriff Stone''': (''gasps'') I don't know what you're talking about. I don't even know you. Who are you, strange little mustached man?
:'''Melvin''': It's the Dreamweaver!
:'''Sheriff Stone''': (''starts panicking'') What? No. No, it's not possible. The Dreamweaver? THE DREAMWEAVER? Ohh. (''to the gang'') Kids. Kids, you gotta help me. If the Dreamweaver is back, I can never sleep again!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
::(''In the flashback, the young Sheriff Stone, Francilee Jackson, Melvin Keisterbaum and Horbert Feist were playing Crypts and Creatures'')
::'''Young Bronson Stone''': (''to young Melvin'') OK, you've defeated the goblin warriors and now stand in the lair of the diabolical Dreamweaver. (''whispers'') What do you do?
::'''Young Melvin''': I use night vision to check for traps.
::'''Young Francilee''': I drink a large potion of health.
::'''Young Horbert''': I cast detect magic... on my butt!
::(''Young Melvin and Francilee laugh'')
::'''Young Bronson Stone''': If you guys don't take this seriously, I'm gonna take my soda and my dice and go home!
::'''Young Melvin, Francilee and Horbert''': Sorry, Bronson.
::'''Young Bronson Stone''': (''shows the Dreamweaver drawing'') The Dreamweaver, lord of the sleep realm, with his mystical orb of power, stands before you... ready to cast you ''into the abyss''.
::(''Flashback ends'')
:'''Sheriff Stone''': And now the Dreamweaver's come out of the game to finish what he started! AND I'M NEXT. (''sobs'')
:'''Shaggy and Scooby''': Whoa.
:'''Velma''': But why would he go after you guys?
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Aren't you paying attention? It's because we stopped playing CNC. We turned our backs on imagination. Because we grew up!
:'''Shaggy''': (''whimpers'') Like, let's never grow up, Scoob.
:'''Scooby''': Uh-uh, never.
:'''Velma''': We'll go investigate what this light bulb thing is. Shaggy, Scooby, stay here and make sure the Sheriff doesn't fall asleep.
:'''Shaggy and Scooby''': Got it.
:(''Fred, Daphne and Velma go to the Mystery Machine, Velma's cell phone rings, the call is from Mr. E'')
:'''Velma''': (''answers the phone in secret'') Mr. E.
:'''Ricky''': ''I thought you were the smart one, Velma, but you're making mistakes.''
:'''Velma''': I'm smart enough to trust my friends. Mystery Incorporated is a team. That's why I gave Fred the piece of Planispheric Disk.
:(''Next scene in Destroido'')
:'''Ricky''': A team without Hot Dog Water? That was wrong move number 2. Maybe I misjudged you, Velma.
:(''Next scene on the outskirts of the Norville house'')
:'''Ricky''': ''Maybe you don't want to save your friends.'' (''Velma is annoyed'') ''Maybe you don't want to save Crystal Cove. Maybe you--'' (''Velma hangs up her cell phone'')
:'''Fred''': Who was that?
:'''Velma''': Wrong number. (''enters the Mystery Machine'')
::(''In the dream world, Scooby, Shaggy and Sheriff Stone appeared'')
::'''Scooby''': Where are we?
::'''Sheriff Stone''': The lair of the Dreamweaver. It's exactly the way I designed it.
::'''Shaggy''': Next time, design something less scary.
::'''Scooby''': And put in a snack bar.
::(''Sheriff Stone, Shaggy and Scooby walk'')
::'''Sheriff Stone''': I remember the layout perfectly.
::(''Shaggy whimpers'')
::(''Sheriff Stone, Shaggy and Scooby start running trying to find the exit'')
::'''Sheriff Stone''': There's the exit.
::(''The Dreamweaver arrives in front of Sheriff Stone, Shaggy and Scooby'')
::'''Dreamweaver''': Welcome back, Bronson. Time to cast you into the abyss. (''laughs'')
::'''Shaggy''': Like, run!
::(''Sheriff Stone, Shaggy and Scooby run to the other side'')
::'''Dreamweaver''': (''appears on the other side'') Polymorph! (''uses the orb to attack Shaggy and transform into a rabbit'') (''Sheriff Stone, Scooby and rabbit Shaggy run to the other side and the Dreamweaver appears'') Flesh of stone! (''uses the orb to attack Sheriff Stone and transform into a stone'') (''Scooby screams and runs to the other side trying to escape the Dreamweaver'') Crashing tide! (''uses the orb to raise the wave and crush Scooby'')
::'''Scooby''': Uh-oh!
::(''The dream world is interrupted as Sheriff Stone, Shaggy and Scooby woke up wet from bucket of water, thrown by Fred'')
:'''Fred''': Way to go on keeping Sheriff Stone awake, guys.
:'''Shaggy''': We just met the Dreamweaver. He is one scary dude.
:'''Velma''': Sheriff, do you have your Dreamweaver drawing with you?
:'''Sheriff Stone''': It's right here with my character sheets and dice. A CNC player is always ''ready to play''.
:'''Scooby''': Hmm?
:'''Shaggy''': Wait a minute. Hey, Scooby-Doo, which hand did the Dreamweaver juggle his orb with?
:'''Scooby''': Uh, his right. No, l--left.
:'''Shaggy''': Sorry, Sheriff. It seems you're not quite the cryptmaster you thought. The Dreamweaver holds his orb in his off hand, not his main.
:'''Fred''': Uh, in non-nerdspeak?
:'''Daphne''': It means this Dreamweaver is a righty, but ours is a lefty.
:'''Velma''': Sheriff, it's time to face your fears one more time.
::(''In the dream world, Sheriff Stone runs trying to escape from the Dreamweaver'')
::'''Sheriff Stone''': (''panting'') Keep running. Don't look back.
::'''Dreamweaver''': (''laughing'') Rain of fire! (''uses the orb to trap Sheriff Stone with the wall of fire'') I've waited for this for a long, long time. Game over, Bronson.
::'''Sheriff Stone''': Time for some magic of my own. (''unmasks himself revealing to be Fred'')
::'''Fred''': Confess, Dreamweaver.
::(''The Dreamweaver starts panicking, Fred unmasks himself revealing to be Shaggy'')
::'''Shaggy''': Like, confess.
::'''Dreamweaver''': (''scared'') What?
::(''Shaggy unmasks himself revealing to be Daphne'')
::'''Daphne''': Confess!
::'''Dreamweaver''': Aah!
::(''Daphne walks and unmasks herself revealing to be Velma, Dreamweaver walks backwards scared'')
::'''Velma''': Confess!
::(''Velma unmasks herself revealing to be Scooby'')
::'''Scooby''': Confess!
::(''Dreamweaver falls down scared, throws the purple orb, the orb is broken'')
::(''Dream world ends'')
:'''Horbert''': (''wakes up in the bed'') I confess! I did it! I did it! I'M THE DREAMWEAVER!
:(''The gang with Sheriff Stone, Francilee and Melvin appeared'')
:'''Fred''': (''with the dream machine helmet on his head'') Busted.
:'''Horbert''': How--how did you know?
:'''Velma''': In all the dreams, the Dreamweaver held his orb in his left hand. But when we looked at everybody else, guess what? They're all righties. You're the only lefty in the bunch.
:'''Daphne''': This type of light bulb is used to stimulate them sleep. You used them to create this: a dream machine, which allowed you to project yourself into another person's dreams and manipulate them.
:'''Fred''': It cost you millions of dollars, which you loaned yourself from your own bank. Then you drove your car into your bank, blowing it up to cover your tracks.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, the only thing we don't know is why.
:'''Horbert''': (''to Sheriff Stone, Francilee and Melvin'') It was all your fault!
:'''Sheriff Stone, Francilee and Melvin''': (''annoyed'') Huh?
::(''In the flashback, the young Sheriff Stone, Francilee Jackson, Melvin Keisterbaum and Horbert Feist were playing Crypts and Creatures'')
::'''Young Bronson Stone''': Horbert, the Dreamweaver raises his orb, ready to cast his smiting spell. Make a saving throw.
::(''Young Horbert throws the dice to reach the highest number'')
::'''Young Horbert''': Whoo-hoo!
::(''The dice moved to the lowest number, Young Bronson Stone, Francilee, Melvin and Horbert are surprised'')
::'''Young Bronson Stone''': The Dreamweaver laughs as he casts your broken, lifeless elven body ''into the eternal abyss''.
::'''Young Horbert''': (''shocked'') NOOOOO!
::(''Flashback ends'')
:'''Horbert''': I loved that elf, (''sobs'') I LOVED HIM MORE THAN MY OWN CHILDREN! (''annoyed'') (''to Sheriff Stone, Francilee and Melvin'') And you took him away from me. You were all part of it! So I vowed to take away the things you all loved. (''to the gang'') And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you--you ROLE-PLAYING NERDS!
:(''Sheriff Stone handcuffs Horbert and takes him into custody'')
:'''Mrs. Feist''': Horbert, what are these people doing in our bedroom?
:'''Horbert''': Go back to sleep, dear.
:(''The gang walks toward the Jones mansion'')
:'''Shaggy''': Like, man, I really feel Mr. Feist's pain. Losing your CNC character is... intense.
:'''Scooby''': It's OK, Shagdolf. It's OK.
:(''The gang looks at the open front door'')
:'''Velma''': Fred, you left the door wide open.
:(''The gang arrives at the house, the living room is clean'')
:'''Daphne''': Fred, when did you hire a maid?
:'''Fred''': I-I didn't.
:'''Shaggy''': Then, like, who cleaned?
:'''Brad Chiles and Judy Reeves''': (''appear'') We did.
:'''Daphne''': Fred, is that...
:'''Velma''': Brad Chiles and Judy Reeves?
:'''Fred''': Mom? Dad?
:'''Brad''': That's right, Fred.
:'''Judy''': We're your parents.
:'''Brad''': And we're back.
:(''Fred is a bit shocked'')

===The Hodag of Horror===
:'''Fred''': He was stealing this wheel of old cheese.
:'''Velma''': Now let's see who the Hodag really is.
:(''Shaggy opens the cage and Velma unmasks Hodag'')
:'''Everyone''': Roberto!
:'''Scooby''': Where's my Nova?
:'''Velma''': Hold on. (''unmasks Roberto's face'')
:'''Everyone''': A monkey?
:'''Fussbuster''': (''heard in the balcony holding Nova over the edge'') That's right. My monkey. Nobody moves or the dog gets it.
:'''Scooby''': Nova!
:'''Daphne''': Mr. Fussbuster, please, don't hurt Nova. Why are you doing this?
:'''Fussbuster''': It all started back when I was a sailor working the trade boats in Indonesia. I learned you could train a monkey to steal. So that's just what I did. I trained Roberto using bells and used him to build up my fortune. When I rang a bell, he would start taking valuable objects. But he became bell crazy, started stealing bells, too. It drove me insane, all of those bells! And he not only brought home the bells, but whatever were attached to them. You don't know how many cats and cows and hunchbacks he brought home with him! But it was all worth it, as we were just about to steal the 500-year-old cheese you have in your hand.
:'''Fred''': 500-year-old cheese?
:'''Fussbuster''': Yes. It was made right here in Crystal Cove by a master Spanish cheesemaker. It's priceless. And with its theft, I could have finally retired to the Netherlands, where they really enjoy cheese properly.
:'''Velma''': But why the Hodag?
:'''Fussbuster''': Shepherd's security was unbreakable. I needed the key. Seemed the best way to get it. Now, toss the cheese up here and she won't get hurt. (''Nova is whimpering'')
:'''Scooby''': (''growling, grabs the cheese'') Here, Fussbuster. Fetch!
:(''Scooby throws the cheese to Fussbuster, Fussbuster tried to steal it but falls down to grass, and Scooby saves Nova'')
:(''Next scene in the police car with Fussbuster and Roberto ringing the bell'')
:'''Fussbuster''': (''groaning'') And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for those bells. The bells! The bells! (''crying'')

===Art of Darkness!===
:'''Velma''': Let's see who's really behind all this junk. (''grabs the TV head of Junk'')
:'''Randy Warsaw''': I don't get it.
:'''Daphne''': Wait for it. We discovered the strange paralysis of Eeko, Clio, and worker number one had been caused by a rare strand of brewers yeast. Used only in Bavaria. That allowed us to reverse the effect.
:'''Velma''': These guys have been frozen to recreate a picture by the famous Bravarian artist Albrecht von Cartofokauf. So we knew we were looking for someone German.
:'''Randy Warsaw''': I... I still don't get it.
:'''Daphne''': Here's why Randy Warsaw. The real culprit is (''grabs the head out of Junk'') Butch Furbanks.
:'''Butch''': Fine, you got me. But don't expect my introspective personality to register guilt.
:'''Daphne''': His real name is Hans van Shanengruber.
:'''Velma''': Before Butch joined &quot;Sunday Around Noonish&quot; he released an album of classical accordion music. It reached number one in the Bravarian hit parade. But soon fizzled.
:'''Fred''': Using powerful electro magnets, and his expert knowledge of musical instruments, Butch was able to control your junk sculpture and make it attack you.
:'''Shaggy''': Like the only thing we don't know is why?
:'''Butch''': Alright, look I did it for art.
:'''Randy Warsaw''': That can't be right, can it?
:'''Butch''': Okay, that's a lie. The truth is I hated what you made me in to. All I ever wanted to do was play polkas in a Bravarian Oompa band. A beautiful dream that I lived until I came to work for you, Randy Warsaw. You changed me. You transformed me. Molded me in to a dark band leader, playing and singing horrible intellectual music. You took everything from me. And I wanted to make you pay. Pay! And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for you meddling polka haters. (''Sheriff takes Butch into custody'') (''to Scooby'') Oh and your singing stinks, nobody understands a word you're saying.
:'''Scooby''': That's outrageous!
:'''Randy Warsaw''': Well, thank you, Mystery Incorporated. You've saved modern art from the clutches of the boudoir. There's only one this left to say: I find you all horribly, horribly boring. So, get out of here. Shoo, shoo. Go away. (''leaves'')
:'''Scooby''': Uh, Mr. Warsaw, can I keep the wig?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': It's okay, gang. Sometimes people just don't appreciate it when you save the day. That's just the price of our... art.
:'''Cassidy''': (''on the Mystery Machine radio'') ''Listen up, boppers. Because I've got a brand new radio show coming at you right now. Across the airwaves.'' (''Next scene in K-Ghoul'') It's all about the truth. Evil resides in Crystal Cove. (''Next scene in Jones mansion, Brad and Judy hear her'') ''So stay tuned and maybe, just maybe...'' (''Next scene in Mystery Machine, the gang hears her'') ''We'll all get through this thing alive.''

===The Gathering Gloom===
:'''Fred''': Velma! Scooby! We heard explosions. Are you okay?
:'''Moder''': Oh! What have you done to our cemetery?
:'''Velma''': What we've done is capture the Graveyard Ghoul. And now, let's see who he really is. (''unmasks the Graveyard Ghoul'') Evallo.
:'''Shaggy''': Well, what do you know? It really was the most obvious suspect. (''chuckles'') Who would have guessed?
:'''Velma''': Evallo was stealing natural gas from the Crystal Cove gas company.
:'''Evallo''': Yes, that is right. I did it. I, count Evallo von Meanskrieg, developed a perfectly evil plan und used my position as gravedigger to cover my activities. But the crowd from the Mayor's movie night meant someone might notice what I was up to. I had to scare them off! Thus, my genius evil plan of the Graveyard Ghoul was born. Unfortunately, the flame-broiling grill was incredibly dangerous so close to my gas lines. I had to stop it. Which led to my capture. Sadly, I, the evil count Evallo von Meanskrieg, would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for this Sheriff and his American-style barbecue.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': (''closes the police car door'') You all saw that, right? I caught the right guy, and on purpose! (''drives away'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ricky''': (''prepares grape juice'') I'm glad you came. I wasn't sure you would.
:'''Pericles''': Of course, Ricky. I'm happy you invited me.
:'''Ricky''': To a future of unimaginable wealth.
:'''Pericles''': To the treasure. For with it, we shall rule the world.
:'''Ricky''': A meeting of this momentous importance deserves some mood music. (''turns on the radio'')
:'''Cassidy''': ''Remember, all you listeners out there, something bad is going down at Crystal Cove. And by down, I mean underneath. Watch out for any foul play, especially of the feathered kind.
:'''Pericles''': (''shuts down the radio'') Ahh, Cassidy. If we are to continue, she will need to be silenced ''forever''.
:'''Ricky''': Agreed. Forever.
:(''Pericles and Ricky clink glasses'')

===Night on Haunted Mountain===
:'''Daphne''': How in the world did a ship get all the way up here?
:'''Velma''': Maybe this can tell us. It's the ship's manifest. The writing's in Español, but I aced honor's Spanish. I can translate. &quot;I fear I may have doomed us all. After months of filling our hold... &quot;
:(''In the flashback with narrating conquistador'')
:'''Conquistador''': ...with treasure, we were about to set sail when word was delivered of an even greater prize: a sarcophagus of the purest crystal, filled to the brim with black pearls of immense value. A king's ransom! The men and I were overtaken with a desire to find this great treasure. And after several months of searching, find it we did. What we didn't realize was that the Entity that dwelled inside that crystal sarcophagus had been searching for us as well. In our thirst for power and wealth, we had discovered a terrible evil. It preyed upon our fears, driving us to commit Horrible acts. Finally, in an act of desperation to stop what we had become, I set the ship ashore on the mission coast, in a cove we named after what we would soon bring there: '''Crystal Cove'''.
:(''Flashback interrupted'')
:'''Shaggy''': Zoinks! Ha ha! Like, that means...
:'''Fred''': These are the conquistadors that founded our town!
:'''Daphne''': The ones that disappeared!
:(''Flashback continues'')
:'''Conquistador''': I used the arcanical ''Disco Planisférico'', to map our location, and we buried the evil treasure deep, deep underground. Then, we broke the disk into 6 pieces and went our separate ways. I concealed my piece aboard the ship and artfully protected it by a large number of lethal mechanical devices. I brought the ship here, to the top of this mountain, to stay hidden forever.
:(''Flashback ends'')
:'''Velma''': It's signed Fernando El Aguirre, captain of the &quot;Santa Lucia&quot; of Spain.
:'''Daphne''': Jeepers! You know what this means? The fifth piece of the Planispheric Disk is right here on this ship!
:'''Shaggy''': Then let's find it and get out of here before that crazy chick shows up again! Hoo-hoo!
:'''Scooby''': Yeah!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': (''sniffs'') There's that smell again. Of course. (''sees the broken disguise in the right leg'') HOT DOG WATER. (''The Dark Lilith runs away with the piece #5 of the Planispheric Disk'') Marcie, wait!
:'''Dark Lilith/Marcie''': (''unmasks herself'') Hello, Velma.
:'''Velma''': Why would you--wait. Of course. Mr. E. You're still working for him. But you couldn't outwit the captain's traps without Fred.
:'''Marcie''': That's right. So humiliating to have to rely on a guy. I repurposed my old Manticore outfit and super helium technology to create the Dark Lilith disguise. Then, I lured Gary and Ethan here by falsely telling them professional soccer players worked their calf muscles on Mount Diabla. I knew Fred would talk you guys into investigating what happened to them. Then, Fred could spring the traps, and I could get the piece. (''sighs'') But you're a hard girl to fool, V. I'm glad you recognized me.
:'''Velma''': Me too. So, how's this gonna end?
:'''Marcie''': (''sadly gives the piece to Velma'') Here. Friendship should always come first, and-- well, you're the only friend I've ever had.
:'''Velma''': What about Mr. E? He'll hunt you down and destroy you.
:'''Marcie''': He'll have to catch me first. See you around, Velma Dinkley. (''walks away'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': Way to go, Velma! I thought Dark Lilith was going to end up with the fifth piece for sure.
:'''Scooby''': Where'd the evil lady go?
:'''Velma''': No idea. Flew away, I guess.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': Well, gang, with the 3 pieces we have, the two pieces Pericles stole, that means there's--
:'''Scooby''': Just one more piece to go.
:'''Daphne''': Yeah, and why do I get the feeling that even if we don't find number 6? It'll end up finding us.
:(''The gang drives away'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ghost of a Conquistador''': Nibiru. (''laughs and slowly fades'')

===Grim Judgement===
:'''Daphne''': Looks like Hebediah Grim won't be judging anybody, now that we know he's really...
:(''Scooby and Daphne unmasks the 2 Hebediah Grims'')
:'''Scooby''': Gary and Ethan.
:'''Ethan''': Ugh! How did you know?
:'''Gary''': Yeah! We were, like, totally sneaky!
:'''Velma''': Not so totally, I'm afraid. The odd indentations in Hebediah Grim's footprints turned out to be soccer cleat marks. Gary's chat video was pre-recorded. I hacked your laptop and found the original recordings.
:'''Fred''': Two missing costumes meant there could be two Hebediah Grims.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, worst of all, you guys tried to frame Doogle McGuiness by putting a yearbook on his porch: Ethan's yearbook!
:'''Velma''': So judge that, you losers. (''throws the yearbook hardly'') Booyah! Who wants to judge me now? Huh? Who? You want to judge me? You? In your face! YEAH!
:'''Scooby''': Velma, you're scaring me.
:'''Fred''': The real question is, why? Why did you guys do it?
:'''Gary and Ethan''': Girls.
:'''Gary''': Duh. We wanted to terrify girls and then rescue them so they'd fall for us, just like the knights did in the old west before the dragons went away.
:'''Ethan''': Yeah. Knights terrorize and save damsels to score dates with them all the time.
:'''Fred''': Huh. I never thought about it that way.
:'''Daphne''': But why did you both dress up?
:'''Ethan''': We don't trust each other. Tag-teaming was the only option.
:'''Gary''': And we would have gotten away with it if any of you mystery, stink losers had lives.

===Night Terrors===
:'''Velma''': Now, let's see who's really behind all this Terrorwood smoke. (''unmasks the Fiend'')
:'''Everyone''': Dan Fluunk?
:'''Daphne''': That doesn't make any sense.
:'''Shaggy''': You seemed like the nicest guy.
:'''Scooby''': Why, Dan? Why?
:'''Dan''': It's this place. I can't take it! I've been here since I was born. My family's been caretakers of the Burlington Mansion, and then, the Burlington Library, for generations. I was born here, been here every day of my life, all alone up here on this mountain, tending this darn library! Where it always seemed to be snowing and I could never get warm. Never! I hate the cold. I hate the snow! But the library could never be closed. I never got a vacation, not one. I found out about the Terrorwood when I accidentally burned some. So I decided to use it to scare away anyone and everyone that came here. So eventually, no one would come anymore, and I could close the place forever and go someplace warm. And I would have done it, too, been somewhere warm by now, if it wasn't for you meddling snow-bound brats. (''Next scene, outside of Burlington Library, Dan Fluunk is taken into custody by two deputies'') I don't mind going to prison. Not one bit! At least I'll finally be someplace warm! (''laughs hysterically'')

===The Midnight Zone===
:(''In K-Ghoul, Cassidy is speaking through microphone'')
:'''Cassidy''': That's why I'm here to tell you the truth. There aren't any real ghosts in Crystal Cove. It's like the open-all-hours gym, it just isn't open all hours. And that's just the tip of the false-berg. Give me time, and I will tell you everything I know about Crystal Cove enough to blow your mind. Aah! (''the wall is exploded interrupting her, a big robot soldier arrives'') You just made a big mistake. Hyah! (''attacks robot throwing discs, it tries punching her, she dodges it'') (''attacks robot with metal stick, it throws lounge chair to her, she dodges it again'') Hyah! (''decapitates robot head with a kick'') Don't think you can come in my house and make a mess.
:'''Robot soldier''': (''speaks in German meaning self-destruction and counts'')
:'''Cassidy''': Oh, great.
:(''Cassidy runs away from K-Ghoul and survives from the explosion by self-destrucing robot soldier'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''The gang arrives with Mystery Machine'')
:'''Daphne''': Cassidy! We heard about the explosion! Are you hurt?
:'''Fred''': We brought ointment.
:(''Cassidy shows her big shotgun'')
:'''Scooby''': (''gasps'')
:'''Shaggy''': She hates ointment!
:'''Cassidy''': Hit the dirt!
:(''The gang gets down behind a big robot soldier, Cassidy shoots it'')
:'''Daphne''': Cassidy, what's going on?
:'''Velma''': Start with why there's a World War II-era robot on the ground.
:'''Cassidy''': We can't talk here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shaggy''': Like, dude, why were you attacked by a robot?
:'''Cassidy''': Actually, I've been attacked by 6 robots. It started last week, and it's getting worse. I would have told you sooner, but you all don't trust me.
:'''Velma''': With good reason. You lied to us.
:'''Cassidy''': I hear you. But I've changed. Ask me anything, and I will tell you the truth.
:'''Daphne''': OK. What's the story with you and Mr. E? Why did you help him?
:'''Cassidy''': It's, um, complicated.
:'''Daphne''': (''sighs'') Wrong answer.
:(''Another robot rises in the ocean'')
:'''Velma''': Hold on, gang. Check this out. (''picks up a small sea thing inside robot arm'') Interesting. This is a Lassiter Gringol mollusk.
:'''Scooby''': Looks like a snail. Yecch!
:'''Velma''': It is a snail, Scooby, a rare sea snail, (''a robot soldier sees the gang, preparing to attack'') whose picky mollusk diet restricts it to a deep Costa marine trench, located right off Crystal Cove. These robots must have an underwater origin in that trench. (''robot soldier arrives in front of the gang'') Aaah!
:'''Robot soldier''': (''speaks in German, tries to attack the gang but it's hit by an arrow and hits the wall'')
:'''Skipper''': Go back to the deep where you came from, you scurvy tin fish! You rusty scalawags are worse than sea rats! (''to the gang'') Sorry about that, kids. Free brine and cuttlefish on the house.
:'''Fred''': Gang, we need to get to that trench.
:'''Daphne''': And I know someone who can get us there.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': There she is.
:'''Cassidy''': It's over, Miss October Pest. Call off the bots. (''turns the chair and sees the corpse'') Ugh!
:'''Shaggy''': Like, that is worse than robots.
:'''Frau's corpse''': ''Nibiru.''
:'''Scooby''': Did that thing... just ''whisper?''
:'''Fred''': I heard it, too. It sounded like...
:'''Velma''': Nibiru.
:'''Daphne''': You think that was her name?
:'''Velma''': No. Her name was Frau Abigail Glück. She was part of the Benevolent Lodge of Mystery, the mystery-solving gang formed by Burlington in the 1880s. And when I got back from the Burlington Library, someone had pinned a picture of another mystery-solving group on my wall: The Darrow Family.
:'''Daphne''': Including us and the original Mystery Incorporated? That makes 4 groups.
:'''Velma''': My guess-- there's more. Almost as if ''this'' has all happened before.
:(''Pericles and the Kriegstaffebots appear'')
:'''Pericles''': Exactly right. Mystery Incorporated.
:'''Everyone''': Professor Pericles?
:'''Pericles''': Ah! Lovely. I see you have met what's left of Frau Glück. I met Frau Glück in Bavaria in the 1930s. She discovered the missionaries possessed the fifth and the sixth pieces of the Planispheric Disk. She built this lab and a host of robots to aid her search for the pieces. I finally found this lab and continued the Frau's work, building a legion of her Kriegstaffebots to retrieve the pieces for me. My holographic masquerade as Frau Glück bought my bots all the time they needed. And I would have gotten away with eliminating Cassidy if it weren't for you meddling kids. Now that I have everything I need, I can dispose of this place and all of you at the same time. (''takes the piece of the Planispheric Disk'') Farewell, darling kinder. Farewell. (''escapes the underwater lab in an escape capsule'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': We're leaving now!
:'''Tub''': I wish! Moby's stuck!
:'''Tom''': The only way we can leave is if someone stays behind and keeps the doors open with this manual override lever!
:'''Cassidy''': I'll do it.
:'''Daphne''': No!
:'''Cassidy''': I'll be right behind you. Trust me, I'm a fast swimmer. (''The gang feels a bit shocked'') Go! I'll be fine. Go.
:(''The gang, Tom and Tub enter the submarine, Daphne stays to talk'')
:'''Daphne''': What we were talking about before, about regret-- you weren't talking about me and Fred. You were talking about you and Mr. E. You loved him once, didn't you?
:'''Cassidy''': (''last words'') What E and I had, we lost a long time ago. Don't make the same mistake I did. Now, go!
:(''Cassidy keeps the switch that opened the door and the submarine escapes the laboratory destroyed'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Do you see her?
:'''Tom''': Don't worry. She's here somewhere.
:(''The seal Scooby appears in the water, calling the gang'')
:'''Daphne''': Look, gang. He's holding something.
:(''The seal Scooby shows the broken helmet'')
:'''Daphne''': Ah! (''The gang is sad'') Oh no! No, Fred. (''cries'')
:'''Fred''': Easy, Daphne. I'm sure she got out. Right, guys?
:'''Shaggy''': Like, yeah. Definitely.
:'''Scooby''': She saved us.
:'''Velma''': I guess maybe... we were wrong about Cassidy.

===Scarebear===
:'''Daphne''': Where are we?
:'''Fred''': It looks like an avocado orchard.
:'''Shaggy and Scooby''': Ooh. Guacamole.
:'''Velma''': Lithium. Toxic. See what it's doing to the Avocados?
:'''Fred''': Look, tracks!
:'''Scooby''': Huh?
:(''The gang looks at the tracks and think they see the Scarebear in the dark, George Avocados arrives'')
:'''Fred''': George Avocados?
:'''Avocados''': That's A''voc''ados, you delinquent. What are you doing on my land?
:'''Shaggy''': Like, dude, this is your land?
:'''Avocados''': My family has farmed avocados on this land for generations. Because you horrid children unmasked my dear father as a diamond thief, my reputation has been besmirched, forcing me to work my fingers to the bone so I can keep myself in the wealthy manner to which I have become accustomed.
:'''Daphne''': You know, if you're looking to make some money, I bet you could sell that coat for... (''Avocados looks a bit annoyed at her'') Hmm.
:(''A small creature falls to the ground, and runs with spider paws to the top of the tree'')
:'''Velma''': Uh, is that normal avocado behavior?
:'''Avocados''': Destroido! They're ruining my crops, and there's nothing I can do about it!
:'''Fred''': Why not?
:'''Avocados''': Because, dim young man, Destroido won't even allow me onto their property without a Destroido passport, which only they can issue. Now, get off my land.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. E''': ARREST THEM!
:'''Mayor Nettles''': Now, hold on, sheriff?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Now, it's time to see who the Scarebear really is.
:(''Fred unmasks Scarebear'')
:'''Everyone''': Benson Fuhrman?
:'''Benson''': That's right. And Fuhrman isn't my real name. It's Hairmore.
:'''Fred''': Why did you change it?
:'''Benson''': Isn't it obvious, man? Hairmore would give me away as the Scarebear and, duh. All I wanted was to expose Destroido for the sick, soul-destroying evil that it is. Destroido ruins lives and pays the victims to keep quiet. Well, this is one victim who won't remain quiet any longer.
:'''Daphne''': How are you a victim? You look fine.
:'''Benson''': Do I, pretty scarlet-headed temptress? What if I told you that I am not, in fact, wearing a bear suit, but I'm covered completely in animal hair?
:'''Fred''': Except for your face?
:'''Benson''': It would be covered, too, square-jawed, handsome young hero, if I didn't have to shave every few hours just to maintain my non-hirsute appearance. You see: I purchased a bottle of gentle rain flower body wash for men, a heavenly scent designed to bring the ladies running. What I didn't know was that the company, Musky Farms, is a division of Destroido, and that there's a side effect. When I contacted Destroido about the product turning me into a hairy bear-man, the company acted as if what had happened to me was nothing. They tried to pay me off. Destroido ruined my life. So I was determined to find evidence that their body wash was toxic. I got the job as head of security and created the Scarebear suit out of taxidermied bear parts. I'm particularly proud of the claws which I purchased from a school for gifted children. I discovered that gentle rain flower was originally marketed as a lawn growth fertilizer that was so toxic, it destroyed an entire town. They didn't even change the formula. I was in the process of uploading the incriminating files to my website when you kids broke into my lab. My plan was to finally expose Destroido tonight at their own charity ball. I wanted to show the entire world what they had done. And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for you meddling, mutant animal-hating kids.
:'''Fred''': Gee. I feel kind of bad that we got in the way. Destroido deserves to be exposed.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Unfortunately, since Destroido is its own sovereign nation, I can't arrest anyone.
:'''Daphne''': Oh, Sheriff! (''hugs Sheriff Stone'') You're wonderful!
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Huh?
:'''Mayor Nettles''': I'll explain it later.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, speaking of explaining, we still don't know who set the bomb.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pericles''': They do not suspect us of having set the bomb. Excellent.
:'''Ricky''': Not so excellent, however, is the fact that it didn't work. That idiot trap fiend found a way to blow up my bomb, and the gang walked free. I would have destroyed my own company to get those Planispheric Disk pieces. These children are proving hard to handle.
:'''Pericles''': We must find another way. Perhaps somebody close who can betray the kinder without them ever seeing it coming.
:'''Ricky''': Of course. Brad and Judy.
:'''Pericles''': Question is, will they be willing to betray their only son?

===Wrath of the Krampus===
:'''Pericles''': Perfect.
:'''Judy''': All the pieces of...
:'''Brad''': The Planispheric Disk are ours!
:'''Ricky''': I believe it's time to put all of it together.
:(''The old gang goes to the lair and find that the pieces are gone, only DVD'')
:'''Brad''': I don't understand.
:'''Judy''': Where are our pieces?
:(''Ricky plays the DVD on the DVD player'')
:(''Video starts'')
:'''Fred''': ''If you're watching this, you're probably wondering what's happened to your pieces of the Planispheric Disk. In a word, you've been scammed, conned, bamboozled.''
:'''Daphne''': ''That's 3 words, Fred, but I think they get the idea. We did this to you.''
:'''Scooby''': ''Yeah.''
:'''Shaggy''': ''And we will be more than happy to tell you how we did it.''
:'''Velma''': ''It was all an elaborate plan masterminded by your very own Freddie.''
:'''Fred''': ''We created Krampus by borrowing Charlie the Haunted Robot and dressing him up in clothes we bought off German gypsies who live in Crystal Cove's haunted forest.''
:'''Velma''': ''As for Krampus moving around, he was being remote controlled by Jason Wyatt, who agreed to help for lenience from the Mayor on his mother's sentence.''
:'''Shaggy''': ''Like, Jason also helped create an invisible aerosol that was used to turn hair white and make it grow long for added effect.''
:'''Fred''': ''We needed to keep you away from the vault. You following us following Krampus was the perfect way to keep you distracted so we could carry out our master plan: Breaking into Mr. E's vault.''
:'''Daphne''': ''Freddy planted a bug on Brad Chiles' clothing so that we could get the code to the vault.''
:'''Scooby''': ''And once we had that code...''
:'''Velma''': ''We could give it to our operative. Someone with intimate knowledge of Mr. E's lair: Hot Dog Water.''
:'''Ricky''': (''surprised'') Hot Dog Water?
:'''Velma''': ''I still know how to get in touch with her.''
:'''Shaggy''': ''Like, when Velma told Hot Dog Water what we had planned, HDW was in.''
:'''Scooby''': ''And while we stole the real pieces...''
:'''Fred''': ''You were stealing fake ones.''
:'''Daphne''': ''The real pieces were instead safely hidden with the one person no one would ever suspect: Fred's fake father, the ex-Mayor Jones.''
:'''Fred''': ''My not-really-my-dad dad may have betrayed us once to get the disk pieces, but when he heard what we were planning, he was more than glad to help us take you down.''
:'''Shaggy''': ''And, like, Mary Anne Gleardan also agreed to help us after the current Mayor offered her lenience on her sentence.''
:'''Scooby''': ''She really wants to go back to the seventh grade.''
:'''Fred''': ''I guess I secretly hoped you guys might not try to steal the pieces from us. But I guess I always knew you would. Which leaves me with only one thing left to say: Real mom, real dad, don't expect me home for dinner. Ever.''
:'''Scooby''': ''And we're taking Nova with us, too. You don't deserve her.''
:(''Video ends'')
:(''The old gang is shocked'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Oh. Let's see what it looks like: The whole Planispheric Disk.
:(''The gang reassembles the pieces of the Planispheric Disk'')
:(''The disk is shining'')
:'''Shaggy''': Like, whoa.
:'''Velma''': It's beautiful.
:'''Fred''': We have the whole thing. That leaves only one question.
:'''Scooby''': What do we do now?
:(''The next scene depicts the crystal coffin with eyes glowing beneath Crystal Cove'')
:'''Crystal coffin's voice''': ''Nibiru.'' (''laughs'')

===Heart of Evil===
:'''Dr. Zin''': (''crying'') I have failed you, my dragon. What bitterness to lose with the Quest-X power source in our grasp. It's all your fault!
:'''Dynomutt''': My fault? Gee, what'd I do? I hadn't a clue!
:'''Blue Falcon''': Allow me to elucidate, Dog Wonder. It's time you knew the truth. 
::(''In the flashback, Radley Crown shoots the gun to Dragon, Dragon grabs him'')
::'''Blue Falcon''': (''narrates'') ''You were once an ordinary but beloved security dog... until tragedy struck.''
::(''The dog bites Dragon's back that explodes, dog loses consciousness'')
::(''Next scene in the laboratory'')
::'''Dr. Quest''': Radley, I was able to replace most of Reggie's damaged body parts with robotic replacements. Now, for the tricky part: the heart.
::'''Race Bannon''': But doctor, are you telling me you're going to power this dog with the most powerful generator on the planet?
::'''Dr. Quest''': He's a living thing, Race, and deserves no less.
::(''Flashback ends'')
:(''Dynomutt chuckles'')
:'''Velma''': But Dynomutt wasn't the only cyborg created in that explosion, was he, Dr. Zin?
:'''Dr. Zin''': No. Stealing the Quest-X was to be a trial run for my greatest creation: the Dragon battle suit. So, precious was this invention, I trusted only one person to test it: my own daughter. The accident fused the suit to Jenny and has been feeding off of her life force ever since. How did you know?
:'''Velma''': The Dragon registered a heat signature on Mr. E's scanners.
:'''Fred''': But why the obsession with Dynomutt?
:'''Dr. Zin''': Not the dog, the Quest-X inside! With that to power the Dragon suit, my Jenny would survive. But now...
:'''Blue Falcon''': I had no idea.
:'''Dynomutt''': Oh, my goodness gracious! Why didn't you say so? Never to busy to help a fellow cyborg with a jump start.
:(''Dynomutt uses a power cable to the Dragon suit'')
:'''Blue Falcon''': Dog Wonder, no! The feedback could destroy you both!
:'''Fred''': It's gonna blow!
:(''The Dragon suit almost exploded with a flash, it raised and opened itself to release Dr. Zin's daughter, Jenny, she collapsed, Dr. Zin helped her'')
:'''Jenny''': Father?
:'''Dr. Zin''': Jenny!
:'''Scooby''': Aww! Isn't that sweet? (''giggles'')
:'''Dr. Zin''': Robot dog, meddling kids, man in bird suit, you have my thanks. I have spent so many years pursuing my evil plan of global domination, I sometimes forget the beauty of a simple act of selfless kindness. (''Fred and Daphne smile at each other'') (''mocking'') It's a pity you must all now be destroyed as this island explodes with the fury of 1,000 suns! (''Both Dr. Zin and Jenny laugh'')
:'''Jenny''': Good one, dad! Let's motor.
:(''Dr. Zin and Jenny escape with their jetpacks'') 
:'''Dynomutt''': Well, for an evil, crazed scientist, he certainly has a unique sense of humor.
:'''Shaggy''': Let's get out of here!
:'''Scooby''': Yipe!
:(''The gang with Blue Falcon and Dynomutt escape the island'')

===Theater of Doom===
:'''Brad''': But--
:'''Ricky''': Stifle it, Chiles. Pericles has the floor.
:'''Pericles''': So, the kinder still have the disk. You couldn't even manipulate your own son? Pathetic.
:'''Brad''': Fine. We failed.
:'''Judy''': That's right, Brad.
:'''Brad''': Not now, Judy. (''to Pericles'') Aren't you the smart one who should have seen through Fred's ruse?
:'''Pericles''': Don't push me, older pretty boy. I want those pieces, and since you and your sweet, dumb bride failed me, it is up to you to recover them before people get ''hurt''. (''his paws break the table part'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Scooby''': Alright, Velma, start singing.
:'''Velma''': Uh. ''[sings; Friar Serra and His Donkey, Porto while playing the Acoustic Guitar. Gasps]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': Now, let's see who this ghostly monk really is. (''unmasks Serra's face'')
:'''Everyone''': George Avocados? (''The crowd is surprised'')
:'''Avocados''': That's A''voc''--ah. Oh, forget it. That's right. It is me.
:'''Fred''': Yes! Finally! I knew you'd be the villain eventually.
:'''Avocados''': All right, you got me. And I suppose you're wondering, after so many prior misdirects, why now.
:'''Daphne''': Actually, no. Not really. We kind of always knew you were evil.
:'''Avocados''': Hmmph! Okay, fine. Then my tale should not surprise. It all began after I failed in politics. I had no choice but to go into the family business: Farming avocados. Everything was going so well until you mystery brats blew up my crops. I then tried my hand at fortune telling. But when that endeavor failed... I fell back on the A''voc''ados legacy of stealing other people's things. I located the A''voc''ados diamond, stolen by my father. Turns out, it actually was disguised as a door knob, not on a door in Crystal Cove, but on a door at the Burlington Library. When I found out it was among the artifacts sent here for the production. I took a job as a janitor. I needed everyone to stay clear of the basement to give me time to look. I hid the body of Friar Serra in a closet and assumed his identity. Knowing this town's gullibility, I knew a ghost story would give me room to hunt. And I would have succeeded, TOO, if it weren't for Vincent van Ghoul.
:'''Vincent van Ghoul''': Moi?
:'''Velma''': So the brown residue that was left behind...
:'''Avocados''': That's right. Guacamole! Now, I want my diamond! (''tries to grab the diamond staff but Daphne grabbed it'')
:'''Daphne''': Let me see something. This crystal is the diamond!
:'''Shaggy''': But, like, hold on. If you were the friar, how did you appear at the rehearsals?
:'''Avocados''': I didn't. I assumed that was you meddling kids trying to trick me into revealing myself.
:'''Everyone''': Huh?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Friar Serra''': You are still in danger. The story of Crystal Cove is a lie. The donkey never tried to help save the town, but to destroy it. There were 4 of us and Porto in the Fraternum House Mysterium, a group of mystery-solving friars. We encountered a conquistador. He told us a tale of great evil before his madness got the best of him, and he vanished in the night, he left behind two oddly-marked disk pieces. We quickly became obsessed with the pieces. We realized that there was an evil at work. We attempted to destroy the pieces to rid us and the town of evil, but the evil would not allow us. The evil manipulated Porto. Porto set out to destroy the town. We chased Porto to the alligator-infested swamps, outside of town. Porto was dragged away by the alligators, but not before I was able to retrieve the one piece he took. The other piece, thankfully was lost at the bottom of the ocean when Crystal Cove sank into the sea. It was up to me, now, to hide the last piece. Beware, Nibiru is coming. This has all happened before, it begins with the animal. Always the animal. Heed the warning of the alligators! ''The dog dies!'' (''Friar Serra's corpse crumbles to dust'')
:'''Scooby''': (''gulps'') &quot;The dog dies&quot;? Is he talking about me?!

===Aliens Among Us===
:'''Scooby''': EEB.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Don't get too close. They still might have some alien brain-stealing items ready to deploy.
:'''Velma''': That might be true if they were really aliens, but they are, in fact, (''unmasks the Grey, Nordic Alien and Reptoid'') Traveler O'Flaherty, Sheela O'Flaherty and Connor O'Flaherty.
:'''Fred''': Ah, usually, we all recognize the villain and shout out his name in unison.
:'''Daphne''': Yeah, Velm. Mind cluing us in?
:'''Sheriff Stone''': I know all the criminals in Crystal Cove, and these jerks aren't ringing a bell.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, you had a wanted poster for them on your wall.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Oh, please. Nobody ever pays attention to those. What is this, the old west?
:'''Traveler O'Flaherty''': Were that it were, boyo. Then perhaps we could've earned an honest living. When I was a wee lad, we couldn't even afford peat for our fire. So I had to lift it. It turned out I was a right good thief, but then I discovered there were things I could steal other than coal, and wouldn't you know it, my kids had an aptitude for the family business as well. We started getting a reputation for our business, and there were our faces splashed all over the universe. Aye. 'Twas then we got the idea for the costumes because who'd ever say they saw an outer space creature stealing a flat-screen television set? I found out about the Blakes purchasing the Pangaea. Seemed like it was right up our alley, and we'd have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you frittering snappers. (''after a short silence'') Meddling kids!
:'''Sheriff Stone''': But I know what I saw: the aliens, the cornfield, my nose chip!
:'''Velma''': Actually, Sheriff, during your hypnotic regression, Shaggy and Scooby smelled something on your breath.
:'''Shaggy and Scooby''': Bad clams.
:'''Velma''': The clams induced a hallucination that made everything seem real.
:'''Daphne''': What about the lights on the road?
:'''Velma''': A weather balloon that got loose from the army.
:'''Fred''': And the Mystery Machine fritzing out?
:'''Velma''': Too many people turning on their air conditioners at the same time created an electromagnetic pulse that shut the Mystery Machine's engine down.
:'''Daphne''': The crop circle?
:'''Velma''': A farmer writing &quot;I love you&quot;, to his wife for their anniversary.
:'''Daphne''': Aw, we must've been standing in the &quot;O&quot; of &quot;love.&quot;
:'''Fred''': Or the &quot;O&quot; of &quot;you.&quot;
:'''Daphne''': It was the &quot;O&quot; of &quot;love&quot;, Fred.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': So I wasn't repeatedly abducted and experimented on by aliens?
:'''Fred''': Doesn't seem so, Sheriff.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Then I'm no longer a victim. And you, O'Flaherty family, are under arrest for THIEVERY AND IMPERSONATION OF INVADERS FROM OUTER SPACE, AND you're going away for a ''long'', long time.

===The Horrible Herd===
:'''Shaggy''': So, like, I don't understand. The Planispheric Disk led us to dig up this crazy old flintlock. Does that mean this is the treasure?
:'''Velma''': No. It might be worth a little something as an antique, but the cursed treasure of Crystal Cove is supposed to be immense beyond all imagining.
:'''Daphne''': Like love.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Excuse me, Mr. farmer. What happened to your farm?
:'''Farmer''': Farm? I ain't got no farm. It's gone, all of it. That horrible herd ate everything except the silo. (''to Martha'') Martha, we are leaving.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, did I just heard you say hear? I mean, uh, ha ha ha, hear you say herd.
:'''Fred''': Herd of what?
:'''Farmer''': Skull cattle. Ugliest darn things.
:'''Velma''': Guys, look at these weird hoof prints. They don't make any sense.
:'''Farmer''': If you really want to get all nosy about it, you should talk to the other farmers in the area. The herd paid them a visit, too.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': So you're saying that this herd of skull cattle also destroyed your farms?
:'''Sullen female farmer''': What's the matter with you? You got potatoes in your ears, huh?
:'''Fred''': Huh? Nope, not today. I once had luminescent swamp moss stuffed in my ears when I was trapping toads as a baby. But it came out. Eventually.
:'''Velma''': Ay. Please, go on.
:'''Sullen female farmer''': Like a plague of locusts they was. Coming out of the night, they devoured everything in their path.
:'''Male farmer''': I reckon she's right.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': I mapped all the attacks on all the farms in the area, and look, they create an outline of a magnifying glass just like the one the old Mystery Incorporated used as their symbol. It's centered around Destroido.
:'''Daphne''': Cute little moo cows turned into horrible monsters. There's only one mind evil enough to come up with something like that.
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma, Daphne and Fred''': Professor Pericles.
:'''Daphne''': Velma, is there anyway we can spy on the old Mystery Incorporated? Didn't you say Hot Dog Water hooked us up somehow at Destroido?
:'''Velma''': I almost forgot. Hot Dog Water left us a back door into the Destroido security system when she was there stealing the Planispheric Disk pieces.
:'''Fred''': Can you get more volume?
:(''Velma gets the high volume of the laptop'')
:'''Ricky''': ''You have gone too far this time, Pericles. Too far!'' (''The next scene depicts the conversation of Ricky (Mr. E) and Professor Pericles'') This macabre herd of skull cattle you've created is costing millions of Destroido's money. '''''My''''' money. And I currently have 28 of my best scientists listed as presumed missing.
:'''Scientist''': (''heard in the other room'') No, NO! AAAAAHH!
:'''Ricky''': Make that 29.
:'''Pericles''': Ricky, one cannot make a genius omelet without breaking a few worthless eggs. Right, Brad and Judy?
:'''Brad''': You said it, Professor Pericles.
:'''Judy''': He's a genius, right, Brad?
:'''Brad''': He sure is, Judy. He sure is.
:'''Pericles''': And make no mistake, Ricky, I will break any egg that gets in my way: Ed Machine, Cassidy Williams, or perhaps even you. My herd of skull cattle is perfect in every way. I have crossbred cows, piranhas, and bees to create ultimate monsters. And I'm their master. My precious creations exist for one purpose: ''to devour Crystal Cove.'' My herd of male drones shall level this city to the ground, leaving nowhere for the Mystery kinder to hide the Planispheric Disk.
:(''The next scene depicts that the gang listened Pericles's evil plan'')
:'''Shaggy''': Like, he's gonna destroy Crystal Cove!
:'''Fred''': Come on, gang. We have to warn the town.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Gang, this is all our fault.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Isn't it always?
:'''Daphne''': Maybe we should just give Pericles the Planispheric Disk.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, no way. A treasure beyond all imagining in the clutches of an evil psychotic parrot?
:'''Velma''': Would be devastating on a global scale. Shaggy's right. There has to be another way.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Well, you Mystery dorks better decide quick because those nasty cow thingies sealed off the town completely.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pericles''': Soon Crystal Cove will cease to exist and the Planispheric Disk shall be ''mine.'' THEN no one will ever stand in my way AGAIN. (''laughs'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Nettles''': All the roads leading in and out of the city have been eaten. They're cutting us off.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Perhaps as-- as-- a species our time is over. It's evolution, people. We should all submit to the herd. I think I'll see if they're hiring any Sheriffs.
:'''Mayor Nettles''': Bronson, although I find your immediate surrender oddly endearing, you're not going anywhere. Kids, there must be a way to stop these things.
:'''Daphne''': I think I have it. It's all the little pieces, all the clues. Especially the fact that Professor Pericles referred to all the skull cattle as male drones. And then there's the sweet cheese.
:'''Shaggy''': I think I see where you're going with this, Daph. If Scooby and I can eat all that honey sweet cheese, those things will starve and we'll save the town.
:'''Scooby''': Count me in. I'm ready to eat my way to victory.
:'''Daphne''': That's not what I was thinking. They're like bees. The herd is all male drones. So there must be a queen in the cow hive at Destroido.
:'''Velma''': Daphne, that's so genius I should have thought of it. They'll be totally protective of their queen. If we could capture the queen cow...
:'''Fred''': We could use her to lead the herd away from the town.
:'''Mayor Nettles''': Saving Crystal Cove.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': I don't know. I don't know. I think my plan of letting the herd enslave humanity ''is pretty darn good.''
:'''Fred''': My fake father mayor dad used to keep a helicopter here at city hall.
:'''Mayor Nettles''': I still have it. Quick, it's our only chance.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Nettles''': You did it, kids. You saved the town.
:'''Daphne''': I feel a little sorry for those skull cattle. It's not their fault they're horrible genetically engineered mutations.
:'''Fred''': Look. (''The horrible herd rise in the ocean'') Those things are part fish, remember? They can swim.
:(''The horrible herd swim away from Crystal Cove'')
:'''Velma''': Whoa. What have we done?
:'''Shaggy''': You mean, like, other than release unnatural super predators into the ecosystem?
:'''Sheriff Stone''': It's best to just walk away from this one, kids. Just... walk... away.
:(''Everyone walk away from the horrible herd in the ocean'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Scooby and Shaggy are searching Nova'')
:'''Scooby''': Nova. Nova! Nova!
:'''Shaggy''': (''finds Nova lying on the ground'') Scooby-Doo, over there!
:(''Scooby grabs Nova alive and injured'')
:'''Scooby''': She's alive. Come on, we have to get her to the hospital.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pericles''': ''My'' plan, ruined by those '''meddling kinder.''' They will pay. All of them. They will ''pay''.

===Dance of the Undead===
:'''Martha Quinn''': Hang on. I've prepared a slideshow on every music group from the last 60 years. (''shows the gang with a slide projector'') Rude Boy and the Ska-tastics. Poor Rude Boy could never quite ride the fame train the way he wanted, so it's said that he turned to voodoo magic to further his career. He cast love spells on the audience. He cursed other bands. Once, he even cast an enchantment of never-ending pain on a synthesizer. Real crazy stuff. Rude Boy always said he would come back from the grave. And now, it looks like he has.
:'''Shaggy''': Zoinks!
:'''Scooby''': Doesn't anybody ever stay dead around here?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Nettles''': These citizens were found at the Tiki Tub. They're dancing, and they can't stop.
:'''Daphne''': That dance is called skanking. It's how you're meant to dance to ska music. And you said dance class was a waste of time.
:'''Velma''': Oy. Doctor, what's the prognosis?
:'''Doctor''': If we can't find a cure within 24 hours, they will dance themselves into a permanent cataleptic state. They will become zombies for the rest of their lives!
:(''The gang is shocked'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''The Zombies Rude Boy and the Ska-tastics arrive and play their hit at the top of City Hall'')
:'''Zombie Rude Boy''': (''laughs'')
:'''Fred''': It's Rude Boy!
:'''Velma''': Quick, cover your ears!
:(''Martha, Ian and the gang covered their ears except Shaggy and Scooby'')
:'''Zombie Rude Boy''': Dance!
:'''Martha Quinn''': We have to fight this MUSICALLY! We need ultimate POWER CHORD!
:(''Martha, Ian and the people start dancing unwittingly'')
:'''Fred''': I'm fighting it, but I can't resist their catchy use of Caribbean mento and calypso with American jazz and rhythm and blues!
:'''Daphne''': Shaggy, Scooby, why isn't it affecting you?
:'''Scooby''': I'm a dog. Music is just noise to us.
:'''Shaggy''': And, like, you've heard me sing. I'm totally tone deaf.
:'''Velma''': Shaggy! Scooby! You're our only hope! It's up to you to save the town! It's up to you to save us!
:(''Fred, Daphne and Velma start dancing. Shaggy and Scooby are shocked'')
:'''Shaggy''': Like, zoinks!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shaggy''': Like, what do we do, Scoob? Everyone in town is a total ska zombie, and we have to save them! But, like, we don't know anything about music!
:'''Scooby''': We don't, but we know people who do.
:'''Shaggy and Scooby''': (''watch the Hex Girls poster'') The Hex Girls!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': Now, let's see who's really behind the evil ska music. Rude Boy is actually... (''unmasks the Zombie Rude Boy'')
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma, Daphne and Fred''': Rude Boy?
:(''Shaggy, Daphne and Velma unmask the three Zombie Ska-tastics'')
:'''Ian Hope''': You're alive! But the plane crashed 30 years ago.
:'''Velma''': Was an elaborate hoax, wasn't it, Mr. Rude Boy?
:'''Rude Boy''': Oi. You blighters got it in for me, right. But yeah, we faked the whole bloomin' thing. All I ever wanted to do was play ska and be super rich and super famous. But apparently, it just wasn't in the tarot cards, maybe the fact that we only had one song had something to do with it. So me and ''me'' mates, the Ska-tastics here, we decided we'd fake our own deaths. Then, we could write the perfect song and return to take the music world by storm.
:'''Martha Quinn''': I don't understand, Rude Boy. Why did you wait 30 years to make a comeback?
:'''Rude Boy''': Ah, don't be such a muppet, Martha Quinn. We planned to be only gone one year, but writing the perfect song took bloomin' forever. By the time we'd cracked it, ska wasn't popular anymore. But everyone loves the undead. So, we began dressing as zombie mogs, riding our undead scooters and wearing polycarbonite-lined skull masks to hide our identity.
:'''Velma''': So, in the end, desperate for success, Rude Boy and the Ska-tastics unleashed a dancing plague on the world using an inharmonic chord with special frequencies designed to induce post-hypnotic suggestion to sell their music.
:'''Fred''': Just as I thought, but didn't say. Dance them away, Sheriff. We are done here.
:(''Rude Boy and the Ska-tastics walk dancing into the police car'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Scooby is visiting Nova at the hospital'')
:'''Scooby''': Oh, Nova, it's getting weirder and weirder. Things aren't as easy to explain anymore. It feels like something is going to happen, something ''bad''. What do you think, Nova? (''watches the heart monitor and slowly, it stops'') Nova? Nova? (''Nova's eyes open and Scooby giggles and is surprised when she rises up'')
:'''Nova''': Nibiru. Nibiru is coming. (''lies back in bed and closes her eyes'')

===The Devouring===
:'''Scooby''': All the food is gone.
:'''Shaggy''': It ate, like, everything.
:'''Daphne''': What ''was'' that thing?
:'''Rick Spartan''': That is the Gluten Demon. If we don't stop it, it'll devour the entire food supply and starve us all, until there's nothing, and no one left alive in Crystal Cove.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': Now let's see who the Gluten Demon really is. (''unmasks the Gluten Demon'')
:'''Fred, Daphne, Velma, Cachinga and Rick Spartan''': Francilee Jackson!
:'''Velma''': Not a big surprise after the work that Cachinga, Daphne, and I did. Francilee's cooking show wasn't taped before a live audience. She made the tape herself, allowing her to work the special effects and adding in the Gluten Demon during editing.
:'''Cachinga''': Plus, her stage name is Francilee Jackson, but her birth certificate lists her as Agatha Juniper Schildenheimer.
:'''Daphne''': As AJS, she signed those manifests. She rented that secret warehouse.
:'''Velma''': And she has a strange food allergy to all things healthy. Which is why she reacted to Cachinga's salad lunch so insanely.
:'''Daphne''': The only thing we don't know is why.
:'''Francilee''': Oh, y'all, it's so simple. I needed a big comeback. After my cornbread recipe was revealed to have no corn in it, I was ruined. Ruined! My only chance was to open my own bakery where I could serve up my new breakout dish: The double bacon mayonnaise butter-stuffed pasta surprise with buttered bread sauce! Any cook worth their kosher sea salt knows the legend of the Gluten Demon. I dressed up like that and started destroying every restaurant in town so there'd be no competition when I opened mine. And I would have done it, too, been a huge success again, if it weren't for all y'all bread-hating health fanatics!
:'''Deputy''': That's it, boys. Let's roll her away.
:(''The 2 deputies roll Francilee to the police car'')
:'''Francilee''': (''the bowl rolls away from her'') My bowl! My precious bowl! NO! My bowl! It's mine! MINE!
:(''Daphne grabs the bowl'')
:'''Cachinga''': It's ancient maya by the look of it.
:'''Daphne''': (''reads the bowl'') ''TERCERO LLAVE''. It's the third key.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ricky''': So you see, Professor Pericles, it's over. You're not the boss here. I am. And you're out of the group.
:'''Pericles''': (''tortures Ricky with by pressing the remote control button on Cobra larvae'') Oh, Ricky, Ricky, my loyal Brad and Judy told me of your little mutiny. So, last night while you were asleep, I put mutated cobra larvae in your spine. Every time I press this button, a little venom is released. So, as you can see, or feel, I'm still very much in control. You do as ''I'' say. First, we steal the Planispheric Disk from the kinder, then ''we'' destroy them. (''laughs hysterically'') WE DESTROY THEM! (''laughs again'')

===Stand and Deliver===
:'''Fred''':  Now let's see who this mysterious woman stealer really is.
:(''Velma unmasks Dandy Highwayman'')
:'''Everyone''': The librarian?
:'''Shaggy''': Like, seriously? But you're not even British.
:'''Scooby''': I'm so confused. Why?
:'''Librarian''': It's simple, really. You spend a life reading about other people's exciting adventures and never, never, never have one of your own. It's awful. (''sadly'') I'm so lonely.
:'''Velma''': Jinkies. How did I miss that one?
:'''Librarian''': I never really had any friends growing up. All I had were my books. For years I stayed in my room and read about incredible adventures, other people's adventures. Then, I got an idea, I was going to become the Dandy Highwayman. I was going to be the king of adventures and adored by women everywhere. I studied how to do an English accent. I incorporated a motorcycle helmet into my costume's hat and practiced my motorcycle skills for hours and hours. Then, I discovered something unimaginable: the key to a woman's total admiration and devotion. All you have to do is pay attention to them when they're talking. CRAZY, isn't it? It wasn't until I started to moderate the book club that I learned how to listen. From there, I actually became interested in what women have to say. Before long, I was fully engaged in their desires and feelings. I was living in the ''dream''. And I would have gotten away with it, if it weren't for you meddling romance killers.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': I'm not buying it for a second. You put some kind of voodoo MAGIC SPELL on them, you did.
:'''Librarian''': Never. I just listened, that's all. Except when the going got tough. I had a little help. (''uncovers the earplugs'') These earplugs were the only magic I used.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': I knew it! I knew there was some kind of trick involved. Listening to women? Who ever heard of such a thing?!
:(''Mayor Nettles and Daphne arrive'')
:'''Daphne''': Jeepers! The librarian? I kind of feel bad for him. You know, he never really abducted the wives. They said they went with him willingly because he was mysteriously charming and--
:'''Sheriff Stone''': We know, we know. The whole listening and paying attention thing. We get it already. Whatever.
:(''Sheriff Stone and deputy take the Librarian into custody'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Scooby is in the strange dream'')
:'''Scooby''': Ohh!
:'''Dancing Man''': Scooby-Doo, your time has come. She is here.
:(''Nova arrives'')
:'''Scooby''': Nova?
:'''Nova''': I am not Nova. I've only borrowed her body so that I may bring you an urgent message. Scooby-Doo, your life is in danger.
:'''Scooby''': Huh?
:'''Nova''': I am of the Anunnaki, interdimensional beings that visit the planet earth every few thousand years. We arrive at a time call Nibiru, when the barriers between our worlds grow weak. The Anunnaki have a great history of helping humans, but we have no physical form and must inhabit animals. This is why some animals, our descendants, can talk and others cannot. But not all Anunnaki are kind and good. There are evil ones. And the most evil one of all is imprisoned beneath Crystal Cove and must not be set free. You must undo it, Scooby-Doo. Undo it all. Save yourself. Save your friends. Save the world.
:(''Scooby wakes up in the real world'')
:'''Scooby''': Hmm? Hmm? Duh! The cursed treasure is evil. Evil! We have to destroy it!
:(''Velma, Fred, Daphne and Shaggy look at Scooby, a bit shocked'')

===The Man in the Mirror===
:'''Mayor Nettles''': Sorry to bother you so early, kids. But the neighbors have been calling in constantly with reports of unearthly moaning, inhuman howling, blood curling screams...
:'''Shaggy''': In other words, same old same old.
:'''Fred''': You can count on us, Mayor Nettles.
:'''Daphne''': We'll see if there's anything mysterious going on here.
:'''Mayor Nettles''': (''leaves'') Thanks, kids.
:'''Velma''': Come on, come on, let's go! Let's get this over with.
:'''Fred''': After we're finished here, we need to relocate the Planispheric Disk.
:'''Scooby''': We'll do it.
:'''Shaggy''': Good idea, Scoob. Yeah, you and I will re-hide the disc while you guys check out the scary house.
:'''Daphne''': You're out of luck, Shaggy. Remember? Fred hid the Disk last time. And he's the only one who knows where it is.
:'''Velma''': Oy, can we hurry? Please?
:'''Fred''': Okay, let's get started. But first, well gang, it looks like we got another...
:'''Daphne''': Mystery on our hands! Oh, Fred, we're such soul mates. We're finishing each other's sentences.
:'''Fred''': Come on, let's...
:'''Shaggy, Velma and Scooby''': Split up and look for clues?
:(''The gang splits'')
:'''Shaggy''': Like, I guess that means we're ''all'' soul mates, haha.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Fred finds a strange mirror'')
:'''Fred''': Aaah! Ugh. Look at those creepy eyes! And that disgusting yellow hair! And the horrible tentacle around its neck! Makes me wanna hork. Oh. (''looks his reflection'') It's me! Phew, that was close. (''tries to leave but his reflection moves differently, he noticed, then moves to make reflection normal'') Hmm. (''turns around and his reflection pulls him into the mirror'') AAAAAAAAHHHH!! (''drops his lantern'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Evil Fred''': Hello, friends.
:'''Daphne''': Oh, Freddie. Thank goodness.
:'''Evil Fred''': This place was a total bust. Nothing scary here. So let's get to school before we're late. Punctuality is an important facet of learning. Right, Daphne?
:'''Daphne''': Um, right, Fred.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Fred wakes up in a destroyed and apocalyptic version of Crystal Cove'')
:'''Fred''': (''looks at the mirror'') What happened? (''leaves the destroyed house'') Gang? Gang! Daphne! (''tries to call Daphne in his cell phone and reads'') &quot;No Signal Anywhere!&quot;. (''walks the destroyed Crystal Cove street'') Anybody! Hello! Hellooooo! (''finds skeletons anywhere'') No. No! This is all wrong. Crystal Cove has much greener lawns and fewer skeletons. Velma! Shaggy! Scooby Doo, where are you?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the present version of Crystal Cove'')
:'''Scooby''': (''whimpering'')
:'''Evil Fred''': Does the dog need walking?
:'''Scooby''': I walk myself, Fred.
:'''Evil Fred''': (''shows the Canine Grumpets'') Perhaps you would enjoy a canine crumpet.
:'''Scooby''': Hmm. That is not a Scooby snack, Fred. Humph!
:'''Evil Fred''': What difference does it make? (''Scooby is shocked'') I'm sure they all taste the same.
:'''Scooby''': (''grumbling'') You eat them, then.
:'''Evil Fred''': What was that, Scoobert?
:'''Scooby''': Uh, nothing. Nothing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the apocalyptic version of Crystal Cove'')
:'''Fred''': (''finds the Mystery Machine'') There! (''hugs it'') Ahh! There she is! (''looks the Mystery Machine's wreckage'') I don't understand any of this. What happened to Crystal Cove? What happened to the people? What happened to your groovy paintjob? (''Mystery Machine's door falls down and Fred finds the Mr. Traples half ruined'') Mr. Traples. What happened here? Please, tell me what's going on. (''finds the clothes of Velma and Shaggy in the floor'') Velma. Shaggy. Scooby. They're... They're... Oh, no. No. It's impossible. How could it get any worse? (''The green scarf appears and flies in front of Fred'') Daphne's scarf. No! It can't be! It can't be true! DAPHNE! '''''NOOOOOOOOOO!!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Fred is sitting outside the destroyed City Hall'')
:'''Fred''': (''sadly'') Daphne.
:'''Unknown woman''': Fred?
:'''Fred''': Cut it out, Mr. Traples. It's not funny you imitating Daphne like that.
:'''Unknown woman''': Freddie, is that really you?
:'''Fred''': Daphne?
:'''Old Daphne''': (''shows up'') Fred, where have you been?
:'''Fred''': (''shocked'') Aah!
:'''Old Daphne''': Oh, Freddie, don't look at me. I'm hideous!
:'''Fred''': Daphne, is... is that really you?
:'''Old Daphne''': Of course it's me, silly. And ''jeepies'', you found my scarf. (''puts the scarf on her neck'') I've been looking all over for this.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': I still don't understand. I came out of that mirror and everything had changed. Why is everyone a skeleton and why are you--
:'''Old Daphne''': Do I really look so awful, Freddie?
:'''Fred''': Uh... no.
:'''Old Daphne''': When you didn't come back, something went crazy with the Planispheric Disk. Velma said it created a vortex around Crystal Cove and sped up time here. We searched everywhere for it. You hid it too well. Decades whirred by in weeks. Everyone aged quickly and one by one, turned to dust until only I was left.
:'''Fred''': I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I... I'm just a really good hider.
:'''Old Daphne''': You've got to change it back. Right up till the end, Velma said the Planispheric Disk could reverse the process. Where did you hide it, Freddie? We have to get that disk.
:'''Fred''': Then that's what we'll do. Daphne, Mr. Traples, load up. We've got a future to change.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Old Daphne''': The F-F-Fearatorium Food Emporium. Shaggy and Scooby loved this place. It was hidden here the whole time?
:'''Fred''': Yep. Come on.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the present version of Crystal Cove'')
:'''Evil Fred''': Everybody out.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, this is more like it. (''chuckles'') The F-F-Fearatorium Food Emporium makes me, like, f-f-famished.
:'''Scooby''': Yeah, yeah, yeah.
:'''Evil Fred''': (''grabs Shaggy and Scooby hardly'') What's wrong with you two? You're like bottomless pits. We're not here to indulge your munchies. We're here for that Planispheric Disk.
:'''Daphne''': Freddie, you're the one who hid it here. I don't understand why you don't know where it is.
:'''Evil Fred''': Oh, you don't understand? Intellect isn't your strong suit, huh? What about you? Got any smarts in there behind those eye goggles?
:'''Velma''': Hmmph.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the apocalyptic version of Crystal Cove'')
:'''Old Daphne''': Freddie, we've looked everywhere. It's not here.
:'''Fred''': Hey, wait a minute. You're right. This wasn't the last place I hid the disk. The trip through the mirror must have jangled my memory. Now I remember.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the present version of Crystal Cove'')
:'''Evil Fred''': Never mind, change of plans. This isn't where I left it after all.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the apocalyptic version of Crystal Cove'')
:'''Old Daphne''': The Arcane-A-Rama Movieplex? You hid the disk here?
:'''Fred''': Sure. I would think you of all people would realize why this place would be so important to me, don't you, Daph?
:'''Old Daphne''': Because we had our first date here, Freddie.
:'''Fred''': I can always count on you to remember stuff like that. Come on.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the present version of Crystal Cove'')
:'''Evil Fred''': It's got to be here somewhere. Keep searching.
:'''Shaggy''': What's the score?
:'''Evil Fred''': The score, Norbert, is that we're gonna find that disk tonight.
:'''Shaggy''': I meant the score to the baseball game. That you're listening to. On that thingymabob.
:'''Evil Fred''': Heh. I knew that.
:'''Velma''': It's not Norbert. It's Norville. And nobody calls him that. It's always Shaggy.
:'''Evil Fred''': I suggest less nitpicking and more searching. (''talks through headphone'') Wait. What? It's not here. Get back in the van.
:(''Scooby thinks Fred is crazy'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the apocalyptic version of Crystal Cove'')
:'''Old Daphne''': The kennel of the horrible hounds?
:'''Fred''': Shaggy used to board Scooby here when he and his folks went on vacations. I'm pretty sure I put the Planispheric Disk here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the present version of Crystal Cove'')
:'''Velma''': Fred, this is all very bizarre.
:'''Evil Fred''': You don't know the meaning of the word, child. (''grunts'') I just remembered where I actually hid the disk.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the apocalyptic version of Crystal Cove'')
:'''Fred''': Here we are. This time for sure.
:'''Old Daphne''': The education board of Crystal Cove? Why? That's so random.
:'''Fred''': I'm surprised at you, Daphne. Education is very important to me. Isn't it, Mr. Traples? (''plays with Mr. Traples'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the present version of Crystal Cove'')
:'''Evil Fred''': I don't know. Look in all the desks, I guess. I'll check out the superintendent's office. (''leaves the gang'')
:'''Velma''': Gang, something is definitely wrong here. (''writes the blackboard with chalk'') I mean, is it me or is Fred acting even stranger than usual?
:'''Scooby, Shaggy and Daphne''': It's not you.
:'''Velma''': Maybe if we can retrace our steps, we'll see a pattern. (''writing'') F-F-Fearatorium Food Emporium. Arcane-A-Rama Movieplex. Kennel of the horrible hounds. Education board of Crystal Cove. (''marks the first and second 4 letters from top to bottom'')
:'''Daphne''': &quot;Fake Fred&quot;?
:'''Velma''': I knew it.
:'''Scooby''': Then who is he?
:'''Shaggy''': And who sent the message?
:'''Velma''': My guess? The real Fred. Wherever he is, he's probably in life-threatening peril.
:'''Daphne''': And in the clutches of some hideous creature.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the apocalyptic version of Crystal Cove'')
:'''Old Daphne''': Where is it, Fred? Where is it?
:'''Fred''': Take it easy, Daph .At least we now know it's not here.
:'''Old Daphne''': You don't understand, Fred. We have to find that disk now. It's almost midnight. They'll be waking up soon.
:'''Fred''': What? Who?
:(''The skeletons rise themselves'')
:'''Old Daphne''': The skeletons. The skeletons walk after midnight. Run!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Old Daphne''': Fred Jones, you remember every trap you ever built. Why can't you remember where you hid the most important relic in the universe?
:'''Fred''': Trap. That's it. Now I remember. (''starts the engine of wrecked Mystery Machine'') It's at the old abandoned factory.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the present version of Crystal Cove'')
:'''Evil Fred''': Aha! Now that's more like it.
:'''Shaggy''': Should I just keep driving around in circles, Mr. Fred? Oh, sir? (''drives the Mystery Machine in a circle'')
:'''Evil Fred''': No, the old abandoned factory, hippie. And floor it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the apocalyptic version of Crystal Cove'')
:'''Old Daphne''': This isn't the way to the factory.
:'''Fred''': I'm willing to bet it's the way to the factory. The real factory.
:'''Old Daphne''': (''a bit disappointed'') Fred, we're headed straight for that wall. It's solid brick!
:'''Fred''': Is it, or is it...
:(''Fred accelerates faster the Mystery Machine into the wall'')
:'''Old Daphne''': Aah! Uhh!
:(''The Mystery Machine breaks through the fake wall'')
:'''Fred''': Fake. As fake as everything else in the old abandoned Crystal Cove movie studio. And as fake as you, Daphne.
:'''Old Daphne''': How...How did you know?
:'''Fred''': Two big ones. The real Daphne would never forget that our first date was at the Trap Expo 3000. But the biggest mistake was right at the start.
:'''Old Daphne''': What?
:'''Fred''': You said jeepies. Daphne says jeepers. Velma says jinkies. Nobody says jeepies. I mean, that's just plain silly. Once I knew you were fake, I figured Crystal Cove must be phony, too. It could only be the old movie studio made to look like a ruined town, complete with animatronics skeletons. Obviously this was all about the location of the Planispheric Disk. Convincing me that I needed to save my friends from a post-apocalyptic future was the most obvious way to get me to tell you where I hid it. It's exactly what I would have done.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In Steelco Industries, the gang and Evil Fred arrived'')
:'''Evil Fred''': Fan out. Search every inch of this place until we find that disk.
:'''Shaggy''': Well, like, if you remember hiding it here, like, dude, where is it?
:'''Evil Fred''': Well, the exact location slipped my mind. (''leaves the gang to search the Planispheric Disk alone'')
:'''Velma''': We can't let that fake Fred get his hands on the Planispheric Disk.
:'''Scooby''': What do we do?
:'''Shaggy''': Like, we do what the real Fred would do. We trap him.
:'''Velma''': Agreed. But it's got to be before he gets his hands on...
:'''Evil Fred''': The Planispheric Disk. I found it! I found it!
:'''Velma''': Okay, never mind.
:'''Daphne''': Now that you've got it, what are you going to do with it? Fake Fred.
:'''Evil Fred''': Ahh, well done. You finally figured out I'm an imposter. So what? I'm taking the Planispheric Disk, and who's going to stop me? You? You?
:'''Fred''': NO! (''arrives'') Me. I mean you. Me. I mean me. You me. I-- Aw, heck. You get the idea. (''starts fighting Evil Fred'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Don't just stand there, Shaggy. Get in there and help Fred.
:'''Shaggy''': Which one?
:'''Daphne''': Uh, the good one.
:'''Old Daphne''': (''shows up'') Be careful, Fred. Don't hurt him.
:(''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma and Daphne look at Old Daphne'')
:'''Daphne''': AAAAHH! NO! NO!
:'''Scooby''': (''to Old Daphne'') Daphne, you look terrible. You should get more sleep.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Evil Fred''': (''takes the Planispheric Disk'') I'll never give up this disk. You'll never beat me.
:'''Fred''': (''throws the chain to Evil Fred's legs'') I don't need to beat you. I just need you to stay put.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Evil Fred''': Get me out of this. He's the fake.
:'''Shaggy''': They're, like, identical, right down to the ascot.
:'''Scooby''': Which one's the real Fred?
:'''Daphne''': (''to Evil Fred'') Freddie, how do you feel about me?
:'''Evil Fred''': What do you mean? You're my love, Daphne. I'm crazy about you.
:'''Daphne''': (''to Fred'') And you?
:'''Fred''': Uh, gosh. Gee, Daph, you know, I-- well, I guess aside from traps and solving mysteries, um... er, my stomach's getting hurty.
:'''Daphne''': Oh, Freddie. It's you! (''kisses Fred'')
:(''Velma shuts down the magnetic machine, Evil Fred and Fred fall down to the floor'')
:'''Evil Fred''': Well, if you're so smart, then who am I really?
:'''Fred''': You're one of the most heartless criminals Mystery Inc. has ever faced. Aren't you, dad? (''tries to unmask Evil Fred but realizes it's not a mask'') 
:'''Evil Fred/Brad''': Ow! It's not a mask, you imbecile. I had plastic surgery to look like you. You would have spotted a mask too quickly.
:'''Fred''': I don't know what you think you were doing. You're supposed to be my father. But how could you try to impersonate me when you know absolutely nothing about me?
:'''Velma''': If he's Brad, that makes you Fred's sneaky criminal mom, Judy. (''tries to unmask Old Daphne but realizes it's not a mask either'')
:'''Old Daphne/Judy''': Ouch! Watch it. I had plastic surgery, too.
:'''Velma''': I know.
:'''Shaggy''': Brad Chiles and Judy Reeves? (''chuckles'') But, like, why?
:'''Scooby''': Yeah. Why?
:'''Brad''': For the treasure. What else? It was the genius mind of Professor Pericles that thought up the whole plan. Wasn't it, Judy?
:'''Judy''': That's right, Brad. While we went under the knife, Professor Pericles had Mr. E arrange for the Crystal Cove studio to be changed into an exact replica of the town.
:'''Brad''': Except more end of the world-ish, obviously.
:'''Velma''': I hate to be the one to point this out, but that's just crazy.
:'''Pericles''': (''shows up'') Is it, Velma? Or is it so brilliant you cannot begin to fathom its true genius?
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Daphne, Velma and Fred''': Professor Pericles?
:'''Fred''': You failed, Professor. You'll never get your filthy talons on this disk.
:'''Pericles''': On the contrary, Frederick. You are going to hand it over to me, along with my associates, your dear parents, or else I will destroy the one thing you care about most.
:'''Shaggy''': Zoinks!
:'''Daphne''': (''2 Kriegstaffebots grab her'') Freddie!
:'''Fred''': Fine. You win. Take it.
:'''Pericles''': Excellent. (''takes the Planispheric Disk'') ''Auf Wiedersehen'', you beautiful kinder.
:(''2 Kriegstaffebots throw Daphne into Fred and leave'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': Freddie, I'm so sorry. Pericles got away with the disk because I got grabbed by robots.
:'''Fred''': Don't worry, Daph. The important thing is that you're back safe and sound. And you look good again.
:'''Scooby''': Only now, Pericles has the Planispheric Disk.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Pericles places the Planispheric Disk in a special location in Destroido'')
:'''Pericles''': I'm coming for you, master. I'm coming to set you free.

===Nightmare in Red===
:'''Fred''': Now let's see who this Monstrous Freak really is.
:(''The Monstrous Freak weakened by a light transforms into conquistador'')
:'''Fred''': It's...it's... Who is that?
:'''Velma''': If I'm not mistaken, it's El Aguirre, the captain of the Spanish conquistadors.
:'''Daphne''': El Aguirre? But why?
:'''Fernando El Aguirre''': ''La pura verdad'', the truth is simple. I did not want you to discover how to destroy the Evil Entity buried deep beneath Crystal Cove, in its ''Caja Demonio''.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, that doesn't make any sense. I thought you'd be the first person who'd want that thing destroyed.
:'''Fernando El Aguirre''': No! Do you not see? If you destroy the Entity, myself and my men will be set free from this ENDLESS CURSE. We should never be set free. We must pay for all the horrible atrocities we committed while in service to the Entity.
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma, Daphne and Fred''': Oh.
:'''Fernando El Aguirre''': I can still hear their screaming. All the screams of the innocent ones. No. No! We must pay forever! We can never be set free!
:'''Shaggy''': Okay. Like, the old Spanish dude is a little ''loco'' in the ''cabeza''.
:'''Annunaki Nova''': Do not fret. All can be undone. All can be forgiven.
:'''Dancing Man''': Yes. Yes, all can be forgiven.
:'''Fred''': That reminds me. Uh, be right back.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the real world'')
:'''Professor Horatio''': They're not gonna make it. I'll never be whole again. It's over. All over! (''sobbing'') Unless...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the dream'')
:'''Annunaki Nova''': It was centuries of your Earth time ago. They called themselves Ma Cuben Sun Macul, which means the Hunters of Secrets. They were the original group manipulated by the Evil Entity. There were more to follow. The evil one has forever been manipulating hapless souls throughout history in hopes they would set him free from his crystal sarcophagus. The Mystery Incorporated that preceded yours, the Darrow Family's Mystery Fellowship, the Benevolent Lodge of Mystery, the Mystery Gang with their bull Tiny, the Alianzo Mysterio and their pet skunk El Fuchy, and Fraternitas Mysterium. Always 4 humans and an animal. The Mayan group of friends, the Hunters of Secrets, were the very first. They were the most pure. They realized they were being manipulated and instead of setting the evil one free, they were about to destroy it with the '''Heart of the Jaguar'''. Alas, they were interrupted by El Aguirre and his men who came and took the crystal sarcophagus away thinking it to be a great treasure.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the real world'')
:'''Professor Horatio''': You're the smart one, Velma. It's time to go. Give my other half the talisman. Complete the bridge and I can bring you all home. Velma, listen! Hear me! Time's up!
:(''In the dream'')
:'''Velma''': (''moving the talisman'') Jinkies! We're out of time!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Fred and Daphne go to Sitting room'')
:'''Fred''': (''touches the shoulder of Fred Jones Sr.'') I want you to know that whatever happened, I'm not really mad at you. Despite the whole stealing me as an innocent baby and lying to me my entire life, you were a great dad. I forgive you. You've always been and still are the only real father I've ever know.
:'''Fred Jones Sr.''': Leaping late lilies, Fred. I am so proud of you. Even if you don't break the spell, even if you can't turn it all around by destroying that Evil Entity, I want you to know that having you as my son was the absolute best part of my life. You were always the best part of me.
:(''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma and Dancing Man arrive'')
:'''Velma''': Freddie, we have to go.
:'''Shaggy''': Yeah, like, time's up. If we don't leave now, we don't leave ever.
:(''Velma gives the talisman to Dancing Man'')
:'''Dancing Man''': Ha ha ha! I am going home. Ha ha ha!
:(''The gang takes each member's hands in circle'')
:'''Annunaki Nova''': Find the Heart of the Jaguar, Scooby-Doo. It is the only way you shall defeat the evil that is buried deep beneath Crystal Cove. Use the Heart of the Jaguar.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''In the real world, the gang wakes up'')
:'''Professor Horatio''': (''receives the best part of Dancing Man'') I'm whole again. I'm whole! And I couldn't have done it without you meddling kids. You beautiful, brave, wonderful meddling kids! (''dances'')
:'''Velma''': Jinkies. After all we've been through, only to find out that we've been manipulated by some Evil Entity? Is that the only reason we're together?
:'''Shaggy''': Like, yeah. Maybe we don't even like each other.
:'''Fred''': Gang, wh-- what are we gonna do?
:'''Scooby''': The Heart of the Jaguar. We have to find the Heart of the Jaguar.

===Dark Night of the Hunters===
:'''Shaggy''': It's time to see who this ancient jade mask wearing weirdo really is. (''unmasks Priestess'')
:'''Scooby, Shaggy, Velma, Daphne and Fred''': Professor Andelusossa?
:'''Angie Dinkley''': Enrique!
:'''Velma''': He was staring us in the face all along. When the men in the village thought I was my mom, it was clear that no one was able to forget her over all these years. Then there were the vines. This plant isn't native to the Yucatan. Only someone with a background in gardening could have cultivated it and made it grow so quickly. Professor Andelusossa's first job was as a gardener. Finally, the vines on the boat had been tied to the wheel. The boat had been scuttled to make it look like the Professor had been attacked.
:'''Angie Dinkley''': But why, Enrique?
:'''Prof. Andelusossa''': For love. Angie, when you left me that summer decades ago, you took my heart with you. Every night seems like I dreamed of you. When you called asking about the Heart of the Jaguar, I knew it was my only chance to lure you back, and find out if you still cared for me.
:'''Fred''': So you decided to test her love by crushing her with fast-growing killer plants! Wow. That's exactly what I would have done.
:'''Daphne''': Oh, Freddie. That's so romantic. In your usual, unique kind of way.
:'''Prof. Andelusossa''': And I would have gotten away with it, too, if... (''sighs'') if you had really loved me.
:'''Angie Dinkley''': Oh, Enrique, sweetie, that was all years ago. There's only one man I ever truly loved, and that's my husband, Mr. Dinkley.
:'''Mrs. Andelusossa''': (''arrives'') Enrique, you are not a man! You're a fool! (''spits saliva to Fred's head'')
:'''Fred''': Daw! Ugh!
:'''Mrs. Andelusossa''': Mrs. Dinkley, you have won. You can have him!
:'''Angie Dinkley''': But I don't want him.
:'''Unknown woman''': (''arrives'') Then I'll take him!
:'''Angie, Mrs. Andelusossa and Prof. Andelusossa''': Huh?!
:'''Daphne''': Who are you?
:'''Unknown woman''': Tomina Kasanski. Call sign: Ice princess. I've been tracking you ever since you left Crystal Cove.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, why?
:'''Mayor Nettles''': (''arrives'') Because I asked her to.
:'''Fred and Daphne''': Huh?
:'''Angie Dinkley''': Huh?
:'''Scooby''': Mayor Nettles?
:'''Mayor Nettles''': Lieutenant Kasanski is an old friend of mine from Fighter Weapons School. (''she and Tomina Kasanski clapped their hands'')
:'''Velma''': But why are you following us?
:'''Mayor Nettles''': Well, it's kind of embarrassing, but three days ago, I had a nightmare that told me you were in trouble and that I had to come to the Yucatan to help you get some spear thingie.
:'''Scooby''': The Heart of the Jaguar.
:'''Mayor Nettles''': Yeah, that! I'm supposed to help you get it back over the border and home to Crystal Cove.
:'''Velma''': Okay, that's it. I give up.
:'''Tomina Kasanski''': Grab your prisoner and let's haul. I got a c130 waiting in an air strip 30 clicks from here. (''takes Prof. Andelusossa into custody'')
:'''Fred''': Well, gang, let's go home. We have an Evil Entity to destroy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Angie Dinkley''': Dear, is something wrong?
:'''Velma''': Well, it's just that, everything that's been happening lately, I've always thought I could count on logic; deductive reasoning, facts. But all that's gone. I never believed in the supernatural like you did, and...
:'''Angie Dinkley''': Oh, sweetie, you were never wrong. Believe in yourself. Everything will work out just fine. (''Velma hugs her'') Now, come on. I've been wearing the same girdle for five days in the jungle, and I really need to get a change of clothes.

===Gates of Gloom===
:(''The gang and Mayor Nettles drive the Mystery Machine in the city, with no people and the damaged freeway'')
:'''Daphne''': What happened to the street?
:'''Fred''': It looks like some kind of earthquake.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, zoinks. Where is everybody?
:(''Sheriff Stone runs to the Mystery Machine, scared, Fred stops driving'')
:'''Sheriff Stone''': THEY'RE GONE! EVERYONE! GOOOOOONE!
:(''Everyone is shocked'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': Focus, people. There are lives at stake. Something has taken my mom and the rest of Crystal Cove.
:'''Scooby''': It even took my Nova from the hospital.
:'''Daphne''': What kind of horrible monster would snatch a sweet little dog in a coma?
:'''Scooby''': I know. Nova! Nova! (''sobbing'')
:'''Shaggy''': Quick, Scoob. Drown your sorrows in this pint of triple fudge cookie dough caramel chip. (''gives the cookie to Scooby'')
:'''Scooby''': Thanks, Raggy. I needed that.
:'''Velma''': As I was saying, I suspect this mystery is connected to the Evil Entity buried under Crystal Cove.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, hold on. You said you didn't buy into all this stuff.
:'''Velma''': Well, I ''still'' don't. But my mom helped me see the light and be more open. Maybe this is all science fiction, but a lot of science fiction turns out to be science fact. They laughed at Jules Verne when he wrote about submarines and going to the moon.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, they used submarines to go to the moon?
:'''Scooby''': I guess so.
:'''Velma''': One thing is clear, this isn't the boogeyman, a vampire, werewolves, or an evil leprechaun. This is an extra dimensional intelligent being we're facing. It's real.
:'''Shaggy''': Wow, Velm. Like, that must have been some talk with your mom.
:'''Velma''': It made me remember that the advanced sciences have long accepted the possibility of other dimension. Now I guess things have gotten a lot less theoretical.
:'''Daphne''': So you think having the evil intelligence under Crystal Cove could be why this town that is so weird?
:'''Velma''': Yes. And the weirdness is escalating (''turns on the projector'') because the time of Nibiru is upon us. I discovered that my computer model of the Planispheric Disk perfectly mirrors the planets in our solar system. You can see they're coming into direct alignment. Plus, there is a tenth planet: Planet &quot;X&quot;. It's getting closer, about to come into alignment behind Pluto. It will cause a massive gravitational disruption not seen in 5,000 years. The time of Nibiru happens in two days. And it's this disruption that makes the fabric between dimensions of time and space extremely weak. That's why the evil thing buried beneath Crystal Cove must be destroyed. We know that the Heart of the Jaguar is supposed to be able to destroy this Evil Entity and undo all of its evil.
:'''Fred''': We also know the Spanish conquistadors used the Planispheric Disk to map the Entity's double-triple secret location.
:'''Daphne''': Plus, the Planispheric Disk showed us the location of four keys.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, the old pistol, the helmet, the mortar bowl thingy, and a piece of old sail cloth.
:'''Daphne''': It feels like we know a lot and nothing at the same time.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, welcome to our world. (''chuckles'') Right, Scooby-Doo?
:'''Scooby''': Yeah, we also know nothing. And we love it.
:'''Shaggy and Scooby''': (''dancing'') We know nothing and we love it! Yeah! Ha! Yeah! Ha! We know nothing and we love it! Yeah! Ha! Yeah! Ha!
:(''The ground starts to shake'')
:'''Fred''': Shaggy, Scooby, stop! Don't move!
:(''The ground opens the hole'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': Good thing I had Jason Wyatt help me install this sound amplifying antenna in my binoculars. Let's listen in.
:'''Ricky''': ''There's been no sign of her for weeks.''
:(''The next scene depicts that Ricky is looking at the photo of Cassidy'')
:'''Judy''': Who are you looking for?
:'''Ricky''': Cassidy.
:'''Brad''': Maybe she finally gave up.
:'''Ricky''': No, she would never give up. She's gone.
:'''Pericles''': Of course she's gone. Anyone who crosses me gets ''eliminated.''
:'''Judy''': Um, Professor Pericles, you promised you would surgically alter me back to my stunning self by now. I'm so old like this. How long do you plan on making me suffer?
:'''Pericles''': I don't have time for such things. The treasure is almost within our grasp.
:'''Brad''': Besides, I'm the one who's suffering, not you, Judy.
:'''Judy''': How are you suffering, Brad?
:'''Brad''': Well, I'm the one who has to look at you all day, '''every day.'''
:'''Judy''': (''gasps'') That was very hurtful, Brad.
:'''Brad''': I'm sorry, Judy. I mean, ''grandma''.
:'''Judy''': Well, at least I'm not walking around with that outrageous chin, Bradley.
:'''Ricky''': Look at you, you're all coming unraveled. The closer we get to that treasure... (''The next scene depicts that the gang is hearing the conversation of the old gang with amplifying binoculars'') ''...the more the curse takes over. Cassidy was right. She was right all along.''
:'''Shaggy''': Like, the old Mystery Incorporated dudes are totally losing it.
:(''The next scene depicts that Pericles lights the lamp, pointing the Planispheric Disk'')
:'''Pericles''': Zeek! Zeek! Die Zeit wird kommen! The time has almost arrived. (''The lamp light passes through the holes in the Planispheric Disk pointing the right place'') Focus all the digging on that spot. Und Ricky, when the entrance is found, have my Kriegstaffebots destroy all the workers. They have outlived their usefulness.
:'''Ricky''': You monster! I'm not your trained monkey. I won't do it. I won't be a part of this madness anymore. (''Pericles tortures Ricky with by pressing the button on Cobra larvae'') Aah! Aah! Aah! Yes, pro--master. Whatever you command. I will-- have... (''The next scene depicts the gang is hearing Ricky's words, shocked'') ''...the Kriegstaffebots destroy them all. Not one person from Crystal Cove will be left alive.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': (''looks at the Mystery Machine spare wheel'') Oh, my gosh, gang. What have I done?
:'''Daphne''': What you had to do. What you always do. Turn traps into a fighting chance to live.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pericles''': All my years of searching to find this door! I have done it! It will lead us to the treasure and more. Soon, very soon, the world as we know it will never be the same again. Niemals! (''puts the Planispheric Disk in the gate, making it open'')
:'''Brad''': Professor, won't the kids just follow us in?
:'''Pericles''': Yes, they will. Und I need them too. I need Scooby-Doo. If I'm to take control of the great power below, the dog must be destroyed at just the right moment. Come! My destiny awaits. (''speaks in German to Kriegstaffebots'')
:(''The old gang and Kriegstaffebots enter the cave'')
:(''The gang keeps the artifacts including Heart of the Jaguar'')
:'''Fred''': All right, gang, now let's see where this uber mystery really leads. Ready?
:'''Daphne''': Ready.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, ready.
:'''Velma''': Ready.
:'''Scooby''': Professor Pericles is gonna regret the day he ever messed with ''Scooby-Dooby-Doo.''
:(''The gang enters the cave'')

===Through the Curtain===
:'''Evil Entity''': (''narrates'') Soon... soon I will be free! The time of the Nibiru is nearly at hand. The planets are coming into alignment, working toward my release, as are you. Even though you know it not, I forged you. You are my proudest creation. So come now, children of Nibiru. Be strong and set your master free so that I may bathe this world in ''fire''.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brad''': Judy, I have to say, this dark cave is doing wonders for your complexion.
:'''Judy''': Really? It's so nice of you to notice. Thank you, Brad.
:'''Brad''': You're welcome, Judy. In this light, I can barely see your multitude of wrinkles and your mouth full of decaying teeth.
:'''Judy''': (''gasps'') That's it, Bradley! (''starts fighting Brad'')
:'''Pericles''': Stop it! You two are behaving like children.
:(''Kriegstaffebot grabs Judy after kicking Brad'')
:'''Ricky''': The cursed treasure is tearing us apart. I wish Cassidy were here to see you all go to pieces.
:'''Pericles''': Oh, Ricky, you always lacked the stomach for greatness. (''to everyone'') Forward! (''speaks in German'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': (''watching the old gang and Kriegstaffebots through binoculars'') They're on the move.
:(''The gang is walking after the old gang'')
:'''Shaggy''': Like, Scooby-Doo, old pal, this is it. (''grabs the burger sandwich from the backpack'')
:'''Scooby''': The last hamburger.
:'''Shaggy''': We've already eaten all of our snacks. I was saving this for an emergency.
:'''Scooby''': This ''is'' an emergency. That's the last hamburger. (''Shaggy eats the burger sandwich in half and he eats the other half'') Ahh. Looks like we're roughing it from here, Raggy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''The old gang and Kriegstaffebots came to the giant gate'')
:'''Pericles''': Beautiful (''speaks in German'')
:'''Brad''': I'm sorry to ask, Professor Pericles, but--
:'''Judy''': What are we waiting for?
:'''Pericles''': The kinder. I know they are out there following us. Give them a minute. They will soon understand their part in all this. But they must hurry. The planets are nearly in full alignment. The time of Nibiru is almost at hand.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Shaggy and Scooby are watching the giant gate through binoculars'')
:'''Shaggy''': Like, dig those crazy symbols on those Gigantico doors.
:'''Scooby''': (''terrified'') The dream world.
:'''Shaggy''': The what world?
:'''Velma''': The dream world. The keys. Everything we saw, it finally makes sense.
:'''Daphne''': Professor Karen did say that the dream world would show us what we needed to find.
:'''Fred''': And it showed each of us the keys.
:'''Velma''': And what they were for.
:'''Daphne''': The fourth key is the element of air.
:'''Scooby''': The third key is the element of Earth.
:'''Fred''': The second key is the element of water.
:'''Velma''': And the first key is the element of fire. Each one of the 4 keys opens a gate leading down. That first gate is covered with alchemy symbols for air.
:'''Daphne''': But if that's the first gate, why is it attached to the fourth key?
:'''Fred''': Because it's in reverse.
:'''Shaggy''': Of course it is. Like, why would any of this make sense?
:'''Velma''': It makes perfect sense, Shaggy. We're working outside in. (''shows the 4 keys from the backpack'') This is the fourth gate. The next one will be the third. And then the second. And then ultimately the first.
:'''Daphne''': And then... the Evil Entity.
:(''Shaggy and Scooby are shuddering'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pericles''': (''watches the pocket clock'') All right, you Mystery Incorporated. I know you're out there and you have the key.
:(''The gang hides behind the rock'')
:'''Ricky''': Even if the Mystery Incorporated kids are out there, what makes you think you can make them do what you want?
:'''Pericles''': (''chuckles'') Because, my dear Ricky, everyone has their weakness. (''speaks German'')
:(''Kriegstaffebot grabs Marcie out of trunk as a hostage'')
:'''Velma''': Marcie! No!
:'''Pericles''': Good kinder. Now, come cooperate and I will not harm the Hot Dog Water.
:'''Fred''': (''looks at the fourth key'') I'll do it. I'll go.
:'''Daphne''': No, we all go together. No splitting up. Never again.
:(''Fred smiles at Daphne'')
:(''The gang walks near the first gate'')
:'''Fred''': Mom, dad.
:'''Brad and Judy''': Son.
:'''Pericles''': Ahh, the fourth key. I know you had found them. Here, allow my Kriegstaffebots to open the gate. It is very dangerous.
:(''Kriegstaffebot tries to take the fourth key'')
:'''Fred''': I don't need your help, Pericles.
:'''Pericles''': As you wish, Frederick.
:'''Fred''': (''to the gang'') If this gate is what I think it is, and I think it's a big fat trap, it might work in our favor. Hold on to something.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Marcie grabs Pericles hardly'')
:'''Pericles''': Ahh! What is the meaning of this? Put me down, you horrible girl.
:'''Marcie''': Not a chance, you nasty little monster. (''to Kriegstaffebots'') Move and the bird gets it.
:(''Marcie tightens Pericles in her arm'')
:'''Pericles''': (''to Kriegstaffebots'') (''speaks German'') Back off! No one move!
:'''Marcie''': You guys go. Do what you have to do. I've been trapped in that box long enough to hear everything Professor Creepy Bird has in mind. Find that Entity and destroy it. I'll hold them off as long as I can. Go. Now!
:'''Velma''': No, Marcie. I won't. I can't.
:'''Marcie''': You have to. The world needs you. Don't worry about me, V. I'll see you when this is over. (''The gang leaves Marcie, the old gang and Kriegstaffebots behind'') One more move and I pluck this ugly little chicken. (''takes Pericles's feathers'')
:'''Pericles''': Ow! (''to Kriegstaffebots'') Nein! Nein! Stop!
:'''Marcie''': Heh.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Marcie''': (''walks back with Pericles in her arm'') (''last words'') E, I guess I expected more from you.
:'''Ricky''': So did I, little girl. So did I.
:'''Brad''': (''gives Judy his belt'') It's all in your hands now, Judy.
:(''Judy uses Brad's belt as a whip to trip Marcie up, freeing Pericles'')
:'''Marcie''': Ow. (''groans'')
:'''Brad''': Silly child. We were springing impromptu traps before you were born.
:'''Judy''': That's right, Brad.
:'''Brad''': Thank you, Judy.
:(''Kriegstaffebots prepare to shoot Marcie with her last shocked look'')
:(''In the Air Dimension the Kriegstaffebots' guns sounded'')
:'''Scooby''': (''hears the sound of guns'') (''whimpers'')
:'''Velma''': (''sadly'') Come on, Scooby. We have to keep going.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ricky''': You make me sick, Pericles. I wish I had never saved you all those years ago.
:'''Pericles''': Hmm. Do I care? No.
:'''Ricky''': Maybe you should care.
:'''Pericles''': (''shows the remote control'') Perhaps you should care more about the poisonous cobra that I've implanted in your spine. ''Now'', let's move.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''The gang walks to the second gate'')
:'''Shaggy''': Like, the second gate.
:'''Fred''': (''looks at the balance rock'') Hmm... Somebody hand me the mortar bowl.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, Fred is really in his element here, huh?
:'''Daphne''': Pun intended.
:(''Shaggy gives Scooby the mortar bowl, then Scooby gives it to Fred'')
:'''Fred''': Earth.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''The gang walks to the third gate amid a wall of water'')
:'''Daphne''': The third gate.
:'''Velma''': And the second key. Water.
:'''Fred''': (''grabs the conquistador's helmet'') Looks like there's only one place to fill it up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shaggy''': Like, dudes, where are we?
:'''Daphne''': And for that matter, where the heck have we been for the last two keys?
:'''Velma''': We're traveling through different dimensions. An intriguing feature of string theory and advanced physics is that it predicts extra dimensions. In classical string theory, the number of dimensions is not fixed by any consistency criterion.
:'''Shaggy''': What is she talking about?
:'''Scooby''': You're asking me?
:'''Velma''': The Planispheric Disk not only maps 3-dimensional space, but the fourth dimension of time and beyond. Worlds between worlds.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, dude, that's all well and good...
:'''Scooby''': Even if we don't understand a word of it.
:'''Shaggy''': But, like, how are we gonna find the last gate?
:'''Scooby''': Yeah. All I see is water. Endless water!
:'''Velma''': Jinkies. Shaggy and Scooby are right.
:'''Daphne''': We're trapped in the middle of nowhere WITH NO WAY OUT!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pericles''': Looks like the kinder are having fun, and they're ''all'' still alive.
:'''Judy''': That's our Fred.
:'''Brad''': A chip off the old block.
:'''Judy''': Blockhead, more like.
:'''Brad''': Thank you, Judy. (''annoyed'') Hey!
:'''Ricky''': You're insane. ALL of you. None of us are going to make it out of this alive. NONE OF US! (''laughs'') And I'm glad.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Shaggy''': I can't take it! I can't take it!
:'''Scooby''': It's okay, Raggy.
:'''Shaggy''': No, Scoob, it is not okay! We're totally lost at sea. No, wait. Correction! Lost on an interdimensional sea, alone and adrift between universes. Dudes, life is completely turned upside down.
:'''Velma''': Upside down. Shaggy Rogers, you're a genius.
:'''Shaggy''': Like...like, huh?
:'''Velma''': It's not up, it's down. The gate is down.
:'''Fred''': Oh. (''puts his head in the water and realizes that the next gate is below, then emerges'') Hey, look.
:(''Daphne, Scooby, Shaggy and Daphne put their heads in the water then emerge'')
:'''Daphne''': Jeepers. You think the fourth gate is down there?
:'''Fred''': Only one way to find out. Come on, gang. (''jumps into the water'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''The gang walks to the fourth gate'')
:'''Daphne''': The last gate.
:'''Fred''': This is it. We made it, gang.
:'''Velma''': I don't like what's waiting for us beyond that door.
:'''Scooby''': Evil.
:'''Shaggy''': Pure evil. That we must destroy with the Heart of the Jaguar.
:'''Scooby''': Let's get this done.
:'''Velma''': Wait. If things prove to be bigger than us, I just want to tell you guys--
:'''Daphne''': No. Nothing is bigger than us. It's the 5 of us. We can do this ''together''.
:(''The gang join hands'')
:'''Shaggy''': Here, let me do the honors.
:(''Fred gives Shaggy the old flintlock pistol'')
:(''Shaggy nervously shoots the flintlock at the gate, the bullet ricochets around the place'')
:'''Fred''': I don't get it. The key didn't work.
:'''Daphne''': That's because the flintlock itself isn't the key. (''puts the flintlock near the gate, the flint shines'') Look, it's the flint.
:'''Fred''': Daphne, you figured it out, you do the honors.
:(''Daphne slots the flint into an opening on the lock and the fourth gate opens'')
:'''Shaggy''': Whoa. This place is like mega creepy and scary. Is it too late to turn back?
:'''Scooby''': Yes. Way too late.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''The gang finally walks to the cursed treasure discovered'')
:'''Scooby''': (''grabs the Heart of the Jaguar'') Hmm? What do I do now?
:'''Evil Entity''': (''locked in a crystal sarcophagus'') Open the sarcophagus.
:'''Shaggy''': It--it spoke.
:'''Evil Entity''': Turn the lock. Set me free.
:'''Fred''': We aren't here to free you.
:'''Velma''': We're here to destroy you.
:'''Evil Entity''': Destroy me? Never. You have no choice. This is your destiny. Everything you have done, you have done for me. I brought you together as I brought all those together before you. I made you into friends. Forced you into a group. I am the author of your every hope and dream. All to this purpose: ''you set me free.''
:'''Shaggy''': Like, is this--this evil telling the truth? Like our whole life, our friendship has been a lie?
:'''Fred''': Maybe everything we think we know, none of it is real.
:'''Daphne''': No. I--I refuse to believe it. (''takes Fred's hand'') My love for Fred is real. I know it. And I love you all. You're my best friends.
:'''Velma''': Daphne's right. Every word this thing spits out is a lie. (''to Scooby'') Destroy it.
:'''Scooby''': This ends now. We'll never set you free.
:'''Pericles''': (''shows up'') That's too bad... (''The old gang arrives with Kriegstaffebots'') ...because I will.
:(''Scooby prepares to destroy the sarcophagus with the Heart of the Jaguar, but Pericles snatches it with his paws'')
:(''Kriegstaffebots hold the gang and Pericles opens the sarcophagus'')
:'''Evil Entity''': The time of Nibiru has come. (''comes out of the sarcophagus and laughs'')

===Come Undone===
:'''Nova''': (''narrates'') A beginning is a very delicate time, much more so an ending. Know that this is the year 10,191. We, the Annunaki, travel between layers of the many universes. We came to help you grow, evolve. But not all of us are good. Some are evil wanting to feed on your energies. This most evil of all is imprisoned in a crystal sarcophagus between worlds so he can cause no harm. This evil desires to devour worlds. He manipulated groups of humans to set him free: The Mayan Hunters of Secrets and their jaguar, Spot, The Fraternitas Mysterium and their donkey, Gordo, The Alianzo Mysterio and their skunk, El Fuchy, The Mystery Gang with their bull Tiny, The Benevolent Lodge of Mystery and their orangutan, Mr. Peaches, They Mystery Fellowship and their cat, Whiskers, Mystery Incorporated and their parrot, Professor Pericles, and the current Mystery Incorporated and their special companion, Scooby-Doo. The time of Nibiru has come. The moment the planets align, the evil one's strength will be the greatest Free in your world, he will grow more powerful every second. He will destroy your city, your planet, your universe. Only one stands in his way: Scoobert Scooby-Doo. (''Evil Entity laughs'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Evil Entity''': (''laughs'') Free! Free! I have been trapped too long. (''laughs'') (''grabs Scooby-Doo'')
:'''Fred''': Hey! What are you doing to Scoob? Hey!
:'''Scooby''': Shaggy, help! (''Fred and Shaggy tried to save Scooby but the Evil Entity hit them away from him'')
:'''Evil Entity''': Do not fight. The dog must die and be reborn as a vessel to my darkness. You should give me form. I shall walk this world a giant.
:'''Scooby''': Never! (''breaks free'')
:'''Pericles''': Nein! Nein! Forget the dog! Consume me. Give me the power!
:'''Evil Entity''': So be it.
:(''The Evil Entity seizes Pericles and pours its essence into his body, causing him to grow into a dark green giant'')
:'''Pericles''': (''laughs'') After all these years '''I am unstoppable!''' (''laughs again'')
:'''Shaggy''': Dude! Somehow that parrot just keeps on getting creepier!
:'''Pericles''': (''last words'') Und I shall finally be rid of the Mystery Incorporated kinder! (''The Evil Entity proceeds to subdue his consciousness'') Aah! Something's wrong! What--WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME?! '''AAAAAAHHHH!!'''
:(''The Evil Entity kills Pericles, mutating the parrot's body into a massive squid-like monster with horns and laughs'')
:'''Ricky''': Professor Pericles?
:'''Evil Entity''': The bird is gone. I am flesh now! '''Flesh!'''
:'''Judy''': (''last words'') Oh, mighty one!
:'''Brad''': (''last words'') We are ready to serve.
:'''Evil Entity''': Good, for I hunger. (''consumes Brad and Judy alive to increase its own strength, the gang is totally shocked'') I am your master now. (''The Kriegstaffebots answers in German language'') Bring the humans closer so that I may feast upon them and grow powerful enough to break my bonds. (''The Kriegstaffebots aim at the gang'')
:'''Daphne''': I think now would be a very good time to--
:'''Fred''': Run!
:(''The gang and Ricky flee but Shaggy stops'')
:'''Shaggy''': Like, Scooby-Doo! Where are you?! (''starts running'')
:'''Evil Entity''': (''laughs'')
:(''Scooby-Doo attempts to destroy the Evil Entity with the Heart of the Jaguar, it breaks'')
:'''Scooby''': Uh-oh!
:'''Evil Entity''': (''laughs again, almost grabbed Scooby-Doo while he's running away from him'') You cannot escape! You are powerless against me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Evil Entity''': You underestimate my strength. I should consume you and grow in power!
:(''The gang looks at each other, the Kriegstaffebot aims at them, Ricky decapitates it with a sword'')
:'''Daphne''': Way to go, Mr. E.
:'''Ricky''': Run, kids! Get out of here now!
:(''The Evil Entity grabs Ricky'')
:'''Velma''': Hang on, E! We'll save you!
:'''Ricky''': (''last words'') It's too late for me, Velma.
:'''Velma''': No!
:'''Ricky''': Save yourself!
:(''The Evil Entity consumes Ricky alive'')
:'''Evil Entity''': Now it is your turn! (''tries to grab the gang but its tentacles are blocked by a shield of blue energy that appears around them'')
:'''Shaggy''': Like, what was up with that?
:'''Evil Entity''': I need more. I shall feast upon all of Crystal Cove!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Evil Entity''': (''laughs'') This world shall be mine. Then I shall devour galaxies. (''laughs again'') (''opens the Crystal Sarcophagus and releases an army of evil Annunaki minions'') Come to me, my minions. Come to me through this portal. Gather all from this place so that I may feed and grow strong!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': We have to do something!
:'''Shaggy''': Yeah, but like, what?
:'''Velma''': What about the spear, the Heart of the Jaguar?
:'''Scooby''': It's broken. It's just a stick.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Evil Entity''': I bring oblivion to this world! (''laughs'')
:'''Scooby''': It's the end.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Scooby-Doo receives a vision from Nova's Annunaki'')
:'''Scooby''': Nova. What do I do? The Heart of the Jaguar is broken.
:'''Nova''': The spear was never the Heart of the Jaguar. The Heart of the Jaguar is something else, Scooby-Doo. At the right moment when the heart is clear, you will know what to do.
:'''Scooby''': Seriously, just tell me what to do?
:'''Nova''': You will know. You will see. You will feel. (''disappears'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Evil Annunaki minions bring the gang to the Evil Entity'')
:'''Evil Entity''': My power approaches the infinite. Then I will absorb you and your friends. I will be '''UNSTOPPABLE!''' (''tries to consume them once again, only to be thwarted by the same barrier'')
:(''Scooby recalls Nova's words'')
:'''Nova''': ''You will know. You will see. You will feel.''
:'''Scooby''': Wait, that's it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Scooby''': The Heart is ''us''. It's always been us.
:'''Velma''': Jinkies! Scooby's right. It can't devour us now and it couldn't touch us earlier, remember?
:'''Daphne''': Not when we stood together. 
:'''Fred''': The 5 of us.
:'''Velma''': Our friendship.
:'''Daphne''': Our love for one another.
:'''Shaggy''': Like, that's the ''true'' Heart of the Jaguar.
:'''Scooby''': And that is something that monster can never take away. Something it can never defeat. It's now or never. '''Let's do this.'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': Wait. Think it through. The Entity is still drawing power from the crystal sarcophagus.
:'''Daphne''': It's some kind of portal between dimensions.
:'''Fred''': That means if we shatter it, then we cut that thing's lifeline.
:'''Evil Entity''': (''still consuming people'') They must be stopped! Bring me them!
:'''Fred''': Gang, as a team. '''Go!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''The gang takes the remains of the Heart of the Jaguar spear and races towards the sarcophagus while Annunaki minions try to stop them'')
:'''Fred''': Daph! (''gives the stick to Daphne'')
:'''Daphne''': Velma! Catch! (''gives the stick to Velma'')
:'''Velma''': Shaggy! (''gives the stick to Shaggy'')
:'''Shaggy''': Finish him, Scooby-Doo!
:(''Shaggy throws the stick in the air, Scooby-Doo launches it with a final kick into the crystal sarcophagus'')
:'''Evil Entity''': (''gasps'') (''The crystal sarcophagus is broken, opens up a vortex'') (''last words'') '''NOOOOOO!!!''' (''The vortex begins to suck everything into it, except for the gang'') No! It cannot be! '''IT SHALL NOT BE!''' WHY! WHY! '''WHYYYYYYYYYYY!!!'''
:(''The vortex causes a galaxy implosion and a bright light'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''The gang watches the town normal and untouched'')
:'''Shaggy''': Like, whoa! Dudes!
:'''Velma''': The town looks untouched. We--we did it! (''The gang cheers'') We saved Crystal Cove!
:'''Fred''': We destroyed the monster!
:'''Daphne''': Let's celebrate!
:'''Scooby''': Yeah, celebrate.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sheriff Stone''': (''arrives with Mayor Nettles and four children'') Hey, you kids. Nice to see you out and about on such a lovely day.
:'''Velma''': Sheriff Stone?
:'''Shaggy''': Like, dudes, where did that pint-sized posse come from?
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Mayor wife and I are taking the kids down to the beach.
:'''Daphne''': Mayor wife? Kids?
:'''Mayor Nettles''': You seem awfully forgetful, Daphne. I hope you remember you promised to baby-sit tomorrow night.
:'''Sheriff Stone''': Now, Eastwood, Norris and little Billy Jack need to be asleep by 8:00. Linda Carter here can stay up as long as she likes on account of her being more adorable than her brothers.
:'''Mayor Nettles''': Oh, we better run. See you tomorrow. (''leaves with Sheriff Stone and four children'')
:'''Velma''': OK, that was odd.
:'''Fred''': Gang, look at the sign.
:(''The sign says &quot;Crystal Cove - The Sunniest Place on Earth&quot;'')
:'''Daphne''': Didn't it always used to say &quot;The Most Hauntedest Place on Earth&quot;?
:'''Shaggy''': And like, check out that sign.
:'''Fred''': (''reads the Darrow Mansion's sign'') &quot;Visit historic Darrow Mansion&quot;?
:'''Velma''': Darrow Mansion sank underground.
:'''Daphne''': And Danny Darrow was some kind of horrible old troll, remember? I mean, wasn't he?
:'''Scooby''': (''scared'') Duh! What's going on?! (''jumps into Shaggy's arms'')
:'''Velma''': Scooby, I think that's exactly what we need to find out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fred''': Mom, dad, be honest. Are you sure you two have never touched a trap in your entire lives?
:'''Brad''': Traps? Fred, you know we're both...
:'''Judy''': Obstetricians. We bring babies into the world.
:'''Brad''': Happy babies, Judy.
:'''Judy''': Thank you, Brad, happy babies.
:'''Daphne''': But that still doesn't explain why you're here, mom and dad.
:'''Barty''': Oh, it's simple, dear.
:'''Nan''': We're planning your wedding.
:'''Fred and Daphne''': Our wedding?
:'''Nan''': Why, princess, you're almost 18. High time you tied the knot.
:'''Barty''': I only wish we could find more perfect specimens of manhood like Fred for your underachieving sisters.
:'''Daphne''': Huh?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Paula''': Don't be silly, Norville, we're so proud. Our son, President of the Chefs Club, winner of the ultimate teen chef award and you've won the national junior epicurean of the year award 3 times in a row.
:'''Shaggy''': But, I--I'm like a slacker.
:'''Colton''': I don't buy that story for a second.
:'''Scooby''': Shaggy, look.
:(''Shaggy and Scooby watch the TV about Creationex Corp.'')
:'''Ricky''': ''Here at Creationex, we've been blessed with inventing clean, sustainable fusion-based energy.''
:'''Cassidy''': ''Now, my beautiful husband and I want to pass that blessing on to you by radically reducing our prices.'' (''Ricky and Cassidy kiss'')
:'''Pericles''': ''Creationex makes life better for everyone!''
:'''Shaggy and Scooby''': Oh!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': Please, Marcie, please. Tell me what's going on?
:'''Marcie''': V, this is no time for fooling around. We're preparing for this year's Tri-state Olympiad of Science, which we have always won.
:'''Velma''': Schrodinger's cat!
:'''Marcie''': Huh? Our event is about mineral erosion. What's the many worlds interpretation of quantum physics have to do with it?
:'''Velma''': Everything! I gotta tell the gang. (''leaves'')
:'''Marcie''': That's my girl.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ethan''': Fred! Bro! You are the coolest.
:'''Gary''': Cooler than cool, the king of cool, the lord king of goal keepers.
:'''Ethan''': Those crazy talented hands of yours blocked every shot last night. Thanks for winning us the championship. You rock!
:'''Gary''': Yeah! And thanks for letting us borrow your van. You double rock! (''he and Ethan leave'')
:'''Fred''': (''looks at the white van'') This--this is my van?
:'''Fred Jones Sr.''': Galloping goalies, Fred, of course it's your van. Now, will you kindly get it off my field?
:'''Fred''': Mayor dad?
:'''Fred Jones Sr.''': You've called me a lot of things over the years, Mr. Jones, coach Jones, principal Jones, but definitely not mayor and never dad. I gotta say I like it. You know, since I never had kids of my own, I've always thought of the students here at my high school as all my kids, but you, Fred, you were always special. I've always been extra proud of you. By the way, my colleague at Miskatonic University sent this for you and your friends. (''gives the disc to Fred'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Velma''': With no actuality of wave function collapse, alternative histories and futures are real. I know why everything's different. We destroyed the Entity and by destroying it, it was as if it never existed. So, everything it touched: All the evil, all of the curse, all of the losers in rubber masks and the dumb monster attractions, none of it ever happened. By destroying the Evil Entity, we created an entirely different timeline.
:'''Daphne''': Our neighbors, our families, they've never been negatively influenced by the Evil Entity.
:'''Shaggy''': It's come undone, all of it. Our actions created a better world where we all have normal and productive lives.
:'''Daphne''': Lives that really aren't ours.
:'''Fred''': Worse than that, gang, we've created a world without mysteries.
:'''Velma''': What kind of a world doesn't have mysteries?
:'''Fred''': A world where we don't belong.
:(''The gang feels sorry'')
:'''Daphne''': What do we do now?
:'''Fred''': Well, I just got this disc from Miskatonic University. Might as well see what it is.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Velma puts the disc into the laptop'')
:(''Video starts'')
:'''Harlan Ellison''': ''Harlan Ellison here. You can call me Mr. E. I know who you kids are and I know that you created an alternate timeline by destroying that Evil Entity. How do I know this? How you ask in your purblind ignorance? It's obvious as antlers on a Chihuahua. I'm a genius! All my years of writing speculative fiction has hyper tuned my psychic mnemonic connection with alternate dimensions. That's why I am able to remember every timeline ever created. And believe me, this has happened before, but you kids have slipped the time stream with me. Very rare. You're very strange. That's why I sent you this message. I've taken up residence as professor of sub-nuclear sciences at Miskatonic University. (''shows the university from the window'') I want you in my class next semester. I've already got you all admitted, even that weird dog. There's a lot of meddling to do and a lot of mysteries out there that need solving. Don't miss it.''
:(''Video ends'')
:(''The gang is surprised'')
:'''Fred''': Hold the phone!
:'''Daphne''': Jeepers!
:'''Velma''': Jinkies!
:'''Shaggy''': Zoinks!
:'''Velma''': Miskatonic University? Amazing!
:'''Daphne''': But it's all the way on the other side of the country.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Daphne''': How are we going to get there?
:'''Fred''': We'll drive, starting right now. And we'll stop and solve every mystery we find along the way.
:'''Scooby''': Ooh! A mystery solving road trip! Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy!
:'''Shaggy''': Like, can we also stop and eat at every burger place and pizza joint we find along the way, too?
:'''Fred''': Absolutely. But first, we need to do something about this van.
:(''The gang starts painting the van'')

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:(''Last lines'')
:'''Nova''': (''still possessed by the Anunnaki'') Thank you, Scooby-Doo. You are the bravest dog that ever lived.
:'''Scooby''': '''Scooby-Dooby-Doo!'''
:(''The gang drives off into the sunset'')

== External links==
{{Wikipedia}}

[[Category:2010s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Animated television series reboots]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated horror TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated mystery TV shows]]
[[Category:Cartoon Network shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:Scooby-Doo TV shows]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about dogs]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about teenagers]]
[[Category:Television series by Warner Bros. Animation]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Bob the Builder</title>
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'''''[[w:Bob the Builder|Bob the Builder]]''''' is a British [[w:Children's television series|children's animated television]] show created by [[w:Keith Chapman|Keith Chapman]]. In the original series, Bob appears in a [[w:Stop motion|stop motion animated]] programme as a [[w:building|building]] contractor, specialising in masonry, along with his colleague Wendy, various neighbours and friends, and their gang of [[w:Anthropomorphism|anthropomorphised]] work-vehicles and equipment. The songs are written by [[Paul K. Joyce]] and [[Billy Straus]].
Bob the Builder is also aired in Japan on CNBA1.

==Quotes==
:'''Lofty''': You're on Bob's wood, Mr. Crab.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bob''': Can we fix it?
:'''Scoop''': Yes we can!
:'''Lofty''': Um... yeah, I think so.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bob and Farmer Pickles''': It's better to do one job well than two jobs... not so well.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tubb''': Swimmin'!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bob''': Can we build it?
:'''Lofty''': Yes we can!

==External links==
{{Wikipedia}}
{{commons category|Bob the Builder}}

[[Category:1990s UK animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s UK animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s UK animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Stop-motion animated TV shows]]
[[Category:UK children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:UK children's animated fantasy TV shows]]
[[Category:UK preschool education TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:PBS Kids shows]]
[[Category:Nick Jr. shows]]
[[Category:Qubo shows]]
[[Category:Treehouse TV shows]]
[[Category:TVOntario shows]]
[[Category:BBC shows]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Regret</title>
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      <text bytes="15896" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Ilya Efimovich Repin (1844-1930) - Portrait of Leo Tolstoy (1887).jpg|thumb|It occurred to him that his scarcely perceptible attempts to struggle against what was considered good by the most highly placed people, those scarcely noticeable impulses which he had immediately suppressed, might have been the real thing, and all the rest false. And his professional duties and the whole arrangement of his life and of his family, and all his social and official interests, might all have been false. ~ [[Leo Tolstoy]]]]
'''[[w:Regret|Regret]]''' is a negative conscious and emotional reaction to personal past acts and behaviors. Regret is often expressed by the term &quot;sorry.&quot; Regret is often felt when someone feels [[sadness]], shame, embarrassment, depression, annoyance or guilt after an action or inaction, wishing that one had done otherwise.
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{{TOCalpha|''[[#Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]''}}
==A==

* Whoever sows good shall harvest happiness, and whoever sows evil shall harvest regret.
** [[Hasan al-Askari]], Majlisi, Bihārul Anwār, vol.78, p. 338

==B==

*Right motive and a clear vision of the sources of action are still imperative needs of yours. They will lead to right activity, truthful thought and right speech. But you have made progress, my brother, and have no cause for depression or to waste time in regret over the past. The only regret that is justifiable is based on failure to learn the lessons of failure. You, however, are learning.  p. 605
**[[Alice Bailey]] and [[Djwhal Khul]]  ''Discipleship in the New Age, Vol. I,'' Section Two, Personal Instructions, Part X, (1944)

* ''Aussi tous avaient-ils besoin d'oublier et leur malheur et leur pensée qui doublait le malheur.
** Also did they have to forget both their misery and their thought which doubled the misery.
*** [[Honoré de Balzac]], ''Illusions perdues'' (''Lost Illusions''), part II: &quot;Un grand Homme de province à Paris&quot; (&quot;A Great Man of the Provinces in Paris&quot;).

* The only thing I regret about my past is the length of it. If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
** [[Tallulah Bankhead]], ''Tallulah: My Autobiography''. University Press of Mississippi; illustrated edition edition (July 7, 2004)

* I do not regret my youth and its beliefs. Up to now, I have wasted my time to live. Youth is the true force, but it is too rarely lucid. Sometimes it has a triumphant liking for what is now, and the pugnacious broadside of paradox may please it. But there is a degree in innovation which they who have not lived very much cannot attain. And yet who knows if the stern greatness of present events will not have educated and aged the generation which to-day forms humanity's effective frontier? Whatever our hope may be, if we did not place it in youth, where should we place it? 
** [[Henri Barbusse]], Light (1919) Ch. XXII

* There is nothing between the paradise dreamed of and the paradise lost. There is nothing, since we always want what we have not got. '''We hope, and then we regret. We hope for the future, and then we turn to the past, and then we begin slowly and desperately to hope for the past! The two most violent and abiding feelings, hope and regret, both lean upon nothing.''' To ask, to ask, to have not! Humanity is exactly the same thing as poverty. Happiness has not the time to live; we have not really the time to profit by what we are. Happiness, that thing which never is — and which yet, for one day, is no longer! 
** [[Henri Barbusse]], Light (1919) Ch. XXIII

* Regret, they say, is the most expensive thing in the world, but it’s a lie. Regret is free; you get to have as much regret as you want. And then, when you’re done wanting regret, you find it’s yours to keep forever.
** [[w:William Barton (writer)|William Barton]], ''Down in the Dark'' (originally published in [[w:Asimov's Science Fiction|Asimov's Science Fiction]], December 1998; reprinted in [[w:The Year's Best Science Fiction: Sixteenth Annual Collection|The Year's Best Science Fiction, volume 16]], edited by [[w:Gardner Dozois|Gardner Dozois]]).

==C==
* 多聞闕疑，慎言其餘，則寡尤。多見闕殆，慎行其餘，則寡悔。言寡無，行寡悔，祿在其中矣。 
** Listen widely to remove your doubts and be careful when speaking about the rest and your mistakes will be few. '''See much and get rid of what is dangerous and be careful in acting on the rest and your causes for regret will be few.''' Speaking without fault, acting without causing regret: 'upgrading' consists in this.
** [[Confucius]], ''The Analects''; Chapter II

* The superior man accords with the course of the Mean. Though he may be all unknown, unregarded by the world, he feels no regret — It is only the sage who is able for this.
** [[Confucius]], ''The Doctrine of the Mean''

*  It would be wonderful to say you regretted it. It would be easy. But what does it mean? What does it mean to regret when you have no choice? It's what you can bear. There it is. No-one's going to forgive me. It was death. I chose life.
** [[Michael Cunningham]] and [[David Hare]], ''[[The Hours (film)|The Hours]]''; the character Laura Brown is talking about her decision to abandon her husband and children.

==D==
* Of all fruitless errands, sending a tear to look after a day that is gone is the most fruitless.
** [[Charles Dickens]], ''[[Nicholas Nickleby]]'', Chapter X: &quot;How Mr. Ralph Nickleby Provided for his Niece and Sister-in-Law.&quot;

==E==
* To sum it all up, I must say that I regret nothing.
** [[Adolf Eichmann]]; While awaiting trial in Israel, as quoted in LIFE magazine (5 December 1960)

* I feel like those words are going to be engraved on my tombstone. It was brought up every single time I did an interview. I apologized for it; I acknowledged it; I said it was true; I said it was a joke. Do I regret it? '''I used to regret. Not anymore. I don't regret anything anymore.''' Would I hope that I would never say something like that ever again? Yes. Am I capable of saying something like that again? I hope not.
** [[Linda Evangelista]]; Vogue, (Sept. 2001)

==H==
* Regret...when it comes to you, I have oceans of it.
** [[Khaled Hosseini]], ''A Thousand Splendid Suns''; Jalil's letter

* Never regret yesterday. Life is in you today, and you make your tomorrow.
** [[L. Ron Hubbard]], ''The Creation Of Human Ability'' (1954)

==J==
* We must know, as much as possible, in our beautiful art...what we are talking about — and the only way to know is to have lived and loved and cursed and floundered and enjoyed and suffered. I think I don't regret a single &quot;excess&quot; of my responsive youth — I only regret, in my chilled age, certain occasions and possibilities I didn't embrace.
** [[Henry James]], letter to [[Hugh Walpole]]

* I knew that what I had felt was envy or regret, not for something lost but for something never achieved.
** [[P. D. James]], Dr. Theodore Faron character in ''[[The Children of Men]]''

* I...regret...what I did. It was wrong. Very wrong. But regret is meaningless.
** [[N. K. Jemisin]], ''[[w:The Broken Kingdoms|The Broken Kingdoms]]'' (2011), Chapter 16

==K==
* I see it all perfectly; there are two possible situations — one can either do this or that. My honest opinion and my friendly advice is this: do it or do not do it — you will regret both.
** [[Søren Kierkegaard]], [[Either/Or ]]

* Over every human being’s journey through life there watches a providence who provides everyone two guides: the one calls forward, the other calls back. Yet they do not contradict each other, the two guides, not do they let the traveler stand there irresolute, confused by the double call; on the contrary, the two have an eternal understanding with each other, for the one calls forward to the good, the other calls back from the evil. Nor are they blind guides-this is precisely why they are two, because in order to safeguard the journey there must be a looking ahead and a looking back. Alas, perhaps there was many a one who went astray by mistakenly continuing a good beginning, since the continuation was on a wrong rod, by unremittingly pressing forward-so that regret could not lead him back to the old road. Perhaps there was someone who went astray in the prostration of the repentance that does not move from the spot-so the guide could not help him to find the road forward. When a long procession is to start, there is first a call from the person who is in the lead, but everyone waits until the last one has answered. '''The two guides call to a person early and late, and if he pays attention to their calls, he finds the road and he can know where he is on the road, because these two calls determine the place and indicate the road, the call of regret perhaps the better, since the casual traveler who goes down the road quickly does not get to know it as does the traveler with his burden.''' The one who is only striving does not get to know the road as well as the one who regrets; the former hurries ahead to something new-perhaps also away from the experience; but the one who regrets comes along afterward, laboriously gathers up the experience. The two guides call to a person early and late-and yet to so, for when regret calls to a person it is always late. The call to find the road again by seeking God in the confession of sins is always at the eleventh hour. 
** [[Soren Kierkegaard]] ''Upbuilding Discourses in Various Spirits'', 1846 Hong p. 13-14

==L==
* There's only us, there's only this.&lt;br&gt;Forget regret, or life is yours to miss.&lt;br&gt;No other road, no other way, no day but today.&lt;br&gt;I can't control my destiny.&lt;br&gt;I trust my soul. My only goal is just to be.&lt;br&gt;There's only now, there's only here.&lt;br&gt;Give in to love, or live in fear.&lt;br&gt;No other path, no other way.&lt;br&gt;No day but today.
** [[Jonathan Larson]] in &quot;Another Day&quot; from [[Rent]]

==M==
* I have made it a rule of my life never to regret and never to look back. Regret is an appalling waste of energy, and no one who intends to become a writer can afford to indulge in it. You can't get it into shape; you can't build on it; it's only good for wallowing in.
** [[Katherine Mansfield]], &quot;Je ne parle pas français,&quot; from Bliss and Other Stories (1920)

==P==
* ''There are two sorts of regrets, child: those things one does...and those things one does not do. The latter are the worst.''
** [[w:Richard Parks (author)|Richard Parks]], ''A Place to Begin'' in [[w:David G. Hartwell | David G. Hartwell]] (ed.) ''[[w:Year's Best Fantasy 2|Year's Best Fantasy 2]],'' p. 458 (Originally published at [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Weird_Tales Weird Tales] Spring, 2001); italics and ellipsis in the original.

==R==
* I don't really regret anything I've done, even if it's bad. I mean, I have a $100,000 Chopard watch. I don't need a $100,000 watch, but I like it. It's all diamonds. That's a little extreme, but I don't care.
** [[Tara Reid]], ''FHM Magazine'' (U.S. issue) interview, when asked if she had ever done anything excessive since becoming a star and later regretted it.

* It is better to believe in men too rashly, and regret, than believe too meanly.
** [[Mary Renault]], ''The Persian Boy''

* Men, be kind to your fellow-men; this is your first duty, kind to every age and station, kind to all that is not foreign to humanity. What wisdom can you find that is greater than kindness? Love childhood, indulge its sports, its pleasures, its delightful instincts. '''Who has not sometimes regretted that age when laughter was ever on the lips, and when the heart was ever at peace?''' Why rob these innocents of the joys which pass so quickly, of that precious gift which they cannot abuse? Why fill with bitterness the fleeting days of early childhood, days which will no more return for them than for you? Fathers, can you tell when death will call your children to him? Do not lay up sorrow for yourselves by robbing them of the short span which nature has allotted to them. As soon as they are aware of the joy of life, let them rejoice in it, go that whenever God calls them they may not die without having tasted the joy of life.
** [[Jean-Jacques Rousseau]], ''Emile: Or, On Education'', book II

==S==
* ''Mieux vaut faire, et se repentir / Que se repentir, et rien faire''
** It's better to act and to regret / Than to regret not to have acted 
** [[Mellin de Saint-Gelais]], Source: Quatrains, LXXVIII

* the keen sting of regret
** [[Mary Shelley]], ''The Last Man'' (1826)

* I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
** [[Publilius Syrus]], ''Sententiae'', Maxim 1070

==T==
* Dear as remembered kisses after death,&lt;br&gt;And sweet as those by hopeless fancy feigned&lt;br&gt;On lips that are for others; deep as love,—&lt;br&gt;Deep as first love, and wild with all regret.&lt;br&gt;Oh death in life, the days that are no more! 
** [[Alfred Tennyson]], ''The Princess'' (1847), Part IV, line 36

* What is the price-current of an honest man and patriot to-day? They hesitate, and they regret, and sometimes they petition; but they do nothing in earnest and with effect. They will wait, well disposed, for others to remedy the evil, that they may no longer have it to regret. At most, they give only a cheap vote, and a feeble countenance and Godspeed, to the right, as it goes by them.
**  [[Henry David Thoreau]], [[Civil Disobedience (Thoreau)|Civil Disobedience]]

* It occurred to him that what had appeared perfectly impossible before, namely that he had not spent his life as he should have done, might after all be true. It occurred to him that his scarcely perceptible attempts to struggle against what was considered good by the most highly placed people, those scarcely noticeable impulses which he had immediately suppressed, might have been the real thing, and all the rest false. And his professional duties and the whole arrangement of his life and of his family, and all his social and official interests, might all have been false. He tried to defend all those things to himself and suddenly felt the weakness of what he was defending.
** [[Leo Tolstoy]], ''[[The Death of Ivan Ilyich]]'', chapter 11.

==W==
* I have no regrets. If you regret things, you're sort of stepping backwards. I'm a believer in going forwards.
** [[Kate Elizabeth Winslet]], ''The Clive James Show'' (1998)

==''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations''==
:&lt;small&gt;Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 661&lt;/small&gt;

* Keen were his pangs, but keener far to feel,&lt;br&gt;He nursed the pinion, which impell'd the steel.
** [[Lord Byron]], ''English Bards and Scotch Reviewers'', line 823

*   Thou wilt lament&lt;br&gt;Hereafter, when the evil shall be done&lt;br&gt;And shall admit no cure.
** [[Homer]], ''The Iliad'', Book LX, line 308. Bryant's translation.

*       No simple word&lt;br&gt;That shall be uttered at our mirthful board,&lt;br&gt;Shall make us sad next morning; or affright&lt;br&gt;The liberty that we'll enjoy to-night.
** [[Ben Jonson]], ''Epigram CI''

* O lost days of delight, that are wasted in doubting and waiting!&lt;br&gt;O lost hours and days in which we might have been happy!
** [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]], ''Tales of a Wayside Inn'' (1863-1874), Part III, ''The Theologian's Tale'', ''Elizabeth''.

* For who, alas! has lived,&lt;br&gt;Nor in the watches of the night recalled&lt;br&gt;Words he has wished unsaid and deeds undone.
** [[Samuel Rogers]], ''Reflections'', line 52

* I could have better spar'd a better man.
** [[William Shakespeare]], [[Henry IV, Part 1|''Henry IV'', Part I]] (c. 1597), Act V, scene 4, line 104

==See also==
*[[Positive thinking]]
* [[The Power of Now|''The Power of Now'']]
* [[Remorse]]
* [[Repentance]]
* [[Sorrow]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

{{emotions}}
[[Category:Emotions]]</text>
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    <title>United States</title>
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      <text bytes="582406" xml:space="preserve">&lt;small&gt;&quot;America&quot;, &quot;US&quot;, &quot;USA&quot;, and &quot;United States of America&quot; redirect here. For the landmass comprising North, Central, South America, and the Caribbean, see [[Americas]]. For other uses, see [[America (disambiguation)]].&lt;/small&gt; 
{{NPOV}}
[[File:Great Seal of the United States (obverse).svg|thumb|&lt;center&gt;''{{w|E Pluribus Unum}}''&lt;/center&gt;]]
[[File:USA123.jpg|thumb|The barriers of time and space vanish. All [[America]] that ever was and ever will be [[lives]] every [[moment]]. ~ [[Richard McKenna]]]]
The '''[[w:United States|United States of America]]''' ('''U.S.'''), commonly referred to as the '''United States''' or '''America''', is a transcontinental [[Countries|country]] located primarily on the continent of [[w:North America|North America]], with [[w:Territories of the United States|territories]] located on islands in the [[w:Caribbean Sea|Caribbean Sea]] and [[w:Pacific Ocean|Pacific Ocean]].&amp;nbsp;The [[United States Constitution|Constitution of the United States]] is the supreme law of the country.&amp;nbsp;[[New York City|New York]] is the most populous city in the country, whereas [[California]] is the most populous constituent state. The country's capital is [[Washington, D.C.]], which is located within the District of Columbia between the states of [[Maryland]] and [[Virginia]]. The United States is one of the founders of the [[United Nations]] organization, of which it is a permanent member. The United States is the third largest country in the world by both population and land area.
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{{TOCalpha|''[[#Hoyt's New Cyclopedia of Practical Quotations|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia of Practical Quotations]]''}}
==A==
[[File:Flag of the 22nd Regiment, United States Colored Troops.png|thumb|Every measure of prudence, therefore, ought to be assumed for the eventual total extirpation of slavery from the United States. ~ [[John Adams]]]]
[[File:US Navy 060421-N-3855M-001 Aviation Machinist Mate 3rd Class Mony R. En raises her right hand at the Naturalization Ceremony held at the U. S. District Court Middle Florida.jpg|thumb|I have not one drop of blood in my veins but what is American. ~ [[John Adams]]]]
[[File:Bombardment of Fort Sumter(3b52027r).jpg|thumb|I shudder when I think of the calamities which slavery is likely to produce in this country. ~ [[John Adams]]]]
* The [[w:Tank|tank]], the [[w:B-52|B-52]], the [[w:Fighter-bomber|fighter-bomber]], the state-controlled police and military are the weapons of [[dictatorship]]. The [[Firearm|rifle]] is the weapon of [[democracy]]. Not for nothing was the revolver called an 'equalizer'. ''Egalité'' implies ''libertė''. And always will. Let us hope our weapons are never needed — but do not forget what the common people of this nation knew when they demanded the [[United States Bill of Rights|Bill of Rights]]: An armed citizenry is the first defense, the best defense, and the final defense against tyranny.
** [[Edward Abbey]], as quoted in ''Abbey's Road'' (1979)

* Without [[Thomas Jefferson|Jefferson]], [[w:United States|the new nation]] might have lost its soul. Without [[Alexander Hamilton|Hamilton]] it would assuredly have been killed in body.
** {{w|James Truslow Adams}}, as quoted in ''Jeffersonian Principles and Hamiltonian Principles'' (1932), p. xvii

* We are in the very midst of a [[American Revolution|Revolution]], the most complete, unexpected, and remarkable of any in the History of Nations.
** [[John Adams]], [http://www.masshist.org/publications/apde2/view?id=ADMS-06-04-02-0109 letter to William Cushing] (June 9, 1776)

* [[Great Britain|Britain]] has been moving earth and hell to obtain allies against [[w:United States|us]], yet it is improper in us to propose an alliance! [[Great Britain]] has borrowed all the superfluous wealth of [[Europe]], in [[Italy]], [[Germany]], [[w:Holland|Holland]], [[Switzerland]], and some in [[France]], to murder us, yet it is dishonorable in us to propose to borrow money! By heaven, I would make a bargain with all Europe, if it lay with me. Let all Europe stand still, neither lend men nor money nor ships to England nor America, and let them fight it out alone. I would give my share of millions for such a bargain. America is treated unfairly and ungenerously by Europe. But thus it is, mankind will be servile to tyrannical masters, and basely devoted to vile idols.
** [[John Adams]], [http://oll.libertyfund.org/titles/2105#lf1431-07_head_273 letter to B. Franklin] (April 16, 1781), Leyden

* Neither my father or mother, grandfather or grandmother, great grandfather or great grandmother, nor any other relation that I know of, or care a farthing for, has been in [[England]] these one hundred and fifty years; so that you see I have not one drop of blood in my veins but what is American.
**[[John Adams]], to a foreign ambassador (1785), as quoted in ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=lWcsAAAAIAAJ&amp;pg=PA392 The Works of John Adams, Second President of the United States: Autobiography]'' (1851), by Charles F. Adams, p. 392.

* Every measure of [[prudence]], therefore, ought to be assumed for the eventual total extirpation of [[slavery]] from the [[w:United States|United States]].
** [[John Adams]], [http://oll.libertyfund.org/titles/2127#lf1431-10_head_152 letter to Robert J. Evans] (June 8, 1819)

* I shudder when I think of the calamities which slavery is likely to produce in [[w:United States|this country]]. You would think me mad if I were to describe my anticipations.
** [[John Adams]] (1820), as quoted in [https://web.archive.org/web/20111029143754/http://home.nas.com/lopresti/ps2.htm ''John Adams''] (1962), by Page Smith, Garden City, New York: Doubleday, p. 138.

* Slavery in [[w:United States|this country]], I have seen hanging over it like a black cloud for half a century.
** [[John Adams]] (1821), as quoted in [https://web.archive.org/web/20111029143754/http://home.nas.com/lopresti/ps2.htm ''Passionate Sage''] (1993), Joseph J. Ellis, New York: Norton, p. 138.

* America, in the assembly of nations, since her admission among them, has invariably, though often fruitlessly, held forth to them the hand of honest friendship, of equal freedom, of generous reciprocity. She has uniformly spoken among them, though often to heedless and often to disdainful ears, the language of equal liberty, of equal justice, and of equal rights. She has, in the lapse of nearly half a century, without a single exception, respected the independence of other nations while asserting and maintaining her own. She has abstained from interference in the concerns of others, even when conflict has been for principles to which she clings, as to the last vital drop that visits the heart. She has seen that probably for centuries to come, all the contests of that [[w:Aceldama|Aceldama]] the European world, will be contests of inveterate power, and emerging right. Wherever the standard of freedom and Independence has been or shall be unfurled, there will her heart, her benedictions and her prayers be. But she goes not abroad, in search of monsters to destroy. She is the well-wisher to the freedom and independence of all. She is the champion and vindicator only of her own. She will commend the general cause by the countenance of her voice, and the benignant sympathy of her example. She well knows that by once enlisting under other banners than her own, were they even the banners of foreign independence, she would involve herself beyond the power of extrication, in all the wars of interest and intrigue, of individual avarice, envy, and ambition, which assume the colors and usurp the standard of freedom. The fundamental maxims of her policy would insensibly change from liberty to force. The frontlet on her brows would no longer beam with the ineffable splendor of freedom and independence; but in its stead would soon be substituted an imperial diadem, flashing in false and tarnished lustre the murky radiance of dominion and power. She might become the dictatress of the world; she would be no longer the ruler of her own spirit. . . . Her glory is not dominion, but liberty. Her march is the march of the mind. She has a spear and a shield: but the motto upon her shield is, Freedom, Independence, Peace. This has been her Declaration: this has been, as far as her necessary intercourse with the rest of mankind would permit, her practice.
** [[John Quincy Adams]], address as Secretary of State to the U.S. House of Representatives (July 4, 1821)

* If I have a wish dearer to my soul than that my ashes may be mingled with those of a Warren and a Montgomery, it is that these American States may never cease to be free and independent.
** [[Samuel Adams]], [http://www.samuel-adams-heritage.com/documents/speech-about-declaration-of-independence.html speech about the Declaration of Independence] (August 1, 1776)

* And that the said [[United States Constitution|Constitution]] be never construed to authorize [[United States Congress|Congress]] to infringe the just liberty of the press, or the rights of conscience; or to prevent the people of the United States, who are peaceable citizens, from keeping their own arms.
** [[Samuel Adams]], (February 6, 1788), reported in Charles Hale, ''Debates and Proceedings in the Convention of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts'' (1856), p. 86. This language was proposed in the Massachusetts convention for ratification of the U.S. Constitution to be added to Article I of that document.

* Americans have a tendency to talk about the ethos of the community, and not of the individual. You think [[w:2006 Lebanon War|this war]] is between Israel and Lebanon, for example. You think about who is right and wrong, but you don't think about the experience of the soldier.
** [[w:Danny Admasu|Danny Admasu]], as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=vnnGAgAAQBAJ&amp;printsec=frontcover ''Searching for Zion, The Quest for Home in the African Diaspora''] (2013), by Emily Raboteau, Atlantic Monthly Press, p. 45.

* In America I was liberated from a certain naïve belief in culture and attained the capacity to see culture from the outside. To clarify the point: in spite of all social criticism and all consciousness of the primacy of economic factors, the fundamental importance of the mind—“''[[w:Geist|Geist]]''”—was quasi a dogma self-evident to me from the very beginning. The fact that this was not a foregone conclusion, I learned in America, where no reverential silence in the presence of everything intellectual prevailed.
** [[Theodor Adorno]], as quoted in ''The Origin of Negative Dialectics'' (Free Press: 1977), p. 187.

* In the United States today, we have more than our share of the nattering nabobs of negativism.
**[[Spiro Agnew]], [http://www.worldaffairsjournal.org/blog/alexander-j-motyl/negativists-are-wrong-ukraine speech in San Diego] (September 11, 1970)

* I'm happy. America is the country of freedom and democracy, there are jobs opportunities, there is good education, and we are looking forward to having a good life over there.
** Ahmad al-Abboud, as quoted in [http://www.nbcnews.com/storyline/syrias-suffering-families/first-syrian-family-surge-resettlement-program-departs-kansas-city-n551876 ''The Associated Press''] (April 6, 2016)

* I did more for the [[Russia]]n serf in giving him land as well as personal liberty, than [[w:United States|America]] did for the negro slave set free by the proclamation of [[Abraham Lincoln|President Lincoln]]. I am at a loss to understand how you [[w:United States|Americans]] could have been so blind as to leave the negro slave without tools to work out his salvation. In giving him personal liberty, you have him an obligation to perform to the state which he must be unable to fulfill. Without property of any kind he cannot educate himself and his children. I believe the time must come when many will question the manner of [[Emancipation Proclamation|American emancipation of the negro slaves]] in 1863. The vote, in the hands of an ignorant man, without either property or self respect, will be used to the damage of the people at large; for the rich man, without honor or any kind of patriotism, will purchase it, and with it swamp the rights of a free people.
** [[Alexander II of Russia|Alexander II]], emperor of Russia, conversation with Wharton Barker, Pavlovski Palace (August 17, 1879); reported in Barker, &quot;The Secret of Russia's Friendship&quot;, ''The Independent'' (March 24, 1904), p. 647.

* To make America the greatest is my goal, &lt;br /&gt; So I beat the [[Russians]], and I beat the [[Poles|Pole]], &lt;br /&gt; and for the USA won the medal of gold. &lt;br /&gt; [[Italians]] said: 'You're Greater than the Cassius of old'. &lt;br /&gt; We like your name, we like your game, &lt;br /&gt; So make [[Rome]] your home if you will. &lt;br&gt; I said I appreciate your kind hospitality, &lt;br /&gt; But the USA is my country still, &lt;br /&gt; 'Cause they're waiting to welcome me in Louisville.
** [[Muhammad Ali]], poem written after winning the gold medal in the 1960 Olympic Summer Games in Rome, Italy, p. 35.

* I am America; I am the part you won't recognize. But, get used to me.
** [[Muhammad Ali]], as quoted in ''The Greatest''.

* Eleven years later, as I am now definitely writing the last pages in my last book on the subject, I believe circumstances such as “9/11&quot; ''have'' nearly swept us to disaster, the authoritarian threat has grown unabated, and almost all the protections I saw in 1996, such as a “free and vigilant press,” are being eroded or have already been destroyed. The biggest problem we have now, in my view, is authoritarianism. It has placed America at one of those historic cross-roads that will profoundly affect the rest of its history, and the future of our planet. The world deserves a much better America than the one it has seen lately. And so do Americans.
** [[Bob Altemeyer]], ''The Authoritarians'' (2006), Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, p. 246

* Throughout the world, on any given day, a man, woman or child is likely to be displaced, tortured, killed or &quot;disappeared&quot;, at the hands of governments or armed political groups. More often than not, the United States shares the blame.
** {{w|Amnesty International}}, 1996 Report on U. S. Military Aid and Human Rights

* 'Race' and 'ethnicity' categories have changed significantly over time to reflect changes in the American population. Since 1900, 26 different racial terms have been used to identify populations in the [[w:United States Census|U.S. Census]]. Preserving outdated terms for the sake of questionable continuity is a disservice to the nation and the American people.
** {{w|American Anthropological Association}}, [http://www.aaanet.org/gvt/ombdraft.htm &quot;Response to OMB Directive 15&quot;] (September 1997), ''Race and Ethnic Standards for Federal Statistics and Administrative Reporting'', Arlington County, Virginia: American Anthropological Association.

* Yet the concept of [[race]] has become thoroughly, and perniciously, woven into the cultural and political fabric of the United States. It has become an essential element of both individual identity and government policy. Because so much harm has been based on 'racial' distinctions over the years, correctives for such harm must also acknowledge the impact of 'racial' consciousness among the U.S. populace, regardless of the fact that 'race' has no scientific justification in human biology. Eventually, however, these classifications must be transcended and replaced by more non-racist and accurate ways of representing the diversity of the U.S. population. This is the dilemma and opportunity of the moment. It is important to recognize the categories to which individuals have been assigned historically in order to be vigilant about the elimination of discrimination. Yet ultimately, the effective elimination of discrimination will require an end to such categorization, and a transition toward social and cultural categories that will prove more scientifically useful and personally resonant for the public than are categories of 'race'. Redress of the past and transition for the future can be simultaneously effected.
** {{w|American Anthropological Association}}, [http://www.aaanet.org/gvt/ombdraft.htm &quot;Response to OMB Directive 15&quot;] (September 1997), ''Race and Ethnic Standards for Federal Statistics and Administrative Reporting'', Arlington County, Virginia: American Anthropological Association.

* Negroes are American citizens. First class taxpayers, but so often treated as second class citizens, if there is such. In our hearts, we would like to know what it is that the white man has against the negro. What can we do to make peace with the white man? We have to live on this earth together. We cannot do without each other. We as a group, want your friendship, won't you accept?
** Floy J. Anderson, [http://www.eisenhower.archives.gov/research/online_documents/civil_rights_citizens_letters/1957_10_15_anderson.pdf letter to Dwight Eisenhower] (October 15, 1957), San Francisco, California.

* The idea of America from the beginning was that you could come here, reinvent yourself, be anybody you want, live any way you wanted, believe anything you wanted. For the first few hundred years, like everywhere else in the world, celebrity and fame were a result of some kind of accomplishment or achievement, sometimes not a great accomplishment or achievement, but you did something in the world to earn renown. America really was the key place that invented the modern celebrity culture, which was, beginning a century ago, more and more not necessarily about having won a war or led a people or written a great book or painted a great painting, but about being famous, fame for its own sake. We created that, [...] certainly in the last few decades, more than ever [...] fame itself, however you've got it, was a primary goal for people.
** {{w|Kurt Andersen}} in [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XirnEfkdQJM How America Got Divorced from Reality: Christian Utopias, Anti-Elitism, Media Circus] (2:29), Big Think, YouTube video ( October 8, 2017)

* In the process of bungling border security, [[Donald Trump]] has obliterated America's reputation as a nation of [[Immigration|immigrants]]. This is a deeply [[Republican Party (United States)|Republican]], [[Conservatism|conservative]], [[Classical liberalism|classic liberal]] conception- that the United States is a refuge for those seeking a better life. Such was the condition of the republic at the moment of its founding and ever since. The United States was molded by people who left home in faraway places, by idealistic risk takers and hard workers who fought the odds to each a literal new world. Our republic was not rooted in &quot;[[w:Blood and soil|blood and soil]].&quot; It was rooted in a shared aspiration for a fresh start. However, not being a man of history, Trump never adopted this view.
** Anonymous, ''A Warning'' (2019), p. 108

* The better to secure and perpetuate mutual friendship and intercourse among the people of the different States in this Union, the free inhabitants of each of these States, paupers, vagabonds, and fugitives from justice excepted, shall be entitled to all privileges and immunities of free citizens in the several States...
** Article IV, [[Articles of Confederation|''Articles of Confederation and Perpetual Union'']].

* The policy is crucial thing for us, when they started supporting the [[Terrorism|terrorists]] with such projects, or plans, or steps; this is where you can have more chaos in the world, that's another question, Do the United States have interests in having more chaos around the world or the United States have more interests in having stability around the world? That's another question, of course the United States can create chaos, they've been creating chaos for the last 56 years around the world, It's not something new. Are they going to make it more...worse, more prevailing? That's another question. But it's not about me, it's not about the president, it's about the whole situation in the world, 'cause you cannot separate the situation in Syria from the situation in the Middle East, when the Middle East is not stable, the world cannot be stable.
** [[Bashar al-Assad]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=45odEv_1DAY Interview with Bill Neely] (July 2016) on &quot;[https://www.nbcnews.com/news/world/syria-s-president-bashar-al-assad-speaks-nbc-news-n608746 NBC: Exclusive Interview with Bashar al-Assad]&quot;

* They may attack civillians, and '''I cannot blame the innocents in the United States for the bad intentions of their officials''', this is not correct, and as I said many times, I don't consider the United States as direct enemy as they don't occupy my land.
** [[Bashar al-Assad]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=45odEv_1DAY Interview with Bill Neely] (July 2016) on &quot;[https://www.nbcnews.com/news/world/syria-s-president-bashar-al-assad-speaks-nbc-news-n608746 NBC: Exclusive Interview with Bashar al-Assad]&quot;

* America controls the world, we control America. Never before have Jews exerted such an immense influence on the center of world power.
** Uri Avnery in 2003, describing the pro-Israel policies of neocons under [[George W. Bush]], ''[https://www.scoop.co.nz/stories/HL0304/S00146/uri-avnery-the-night-after.htm Uri Avnery: The Night After]''

==B==
[[File:Great Plains, Nebraska, U.S. 1.jpg|thumb|Beautiful for spacious skies, for amber waves of grain. ~ [[w:Katharine Lee Bates|Katharine Bates]]]]
[[File:Star-Spangled Banner flag.svg|thumb|As the government of the [[w:United States|United States of America]] is not in any sense founded on the Christian Religion, as it has in itself no character or enmity against the laws, religion or tranquility of [[Islam|Musselmen]], and as the said States never have entered into any war or act of hostility against any [[Islam|Mehomitan]] nation, it is declared by the parties that no pretext arising from religious opinions shall ever produce an interruption of the harmony existing between the two countries. ~ [[Joel Barlow]]]]
[[File:Wheeler Peak from Phillips.jpg|thumb|For purple mountain majesties. Above the fruited plain! America! America! [[God]] shed his grace on thee! ~ [[w:Katharine Lee Bates|Katharine Bates]]]]
[[File:North America satellite.jpg|thumb|The gem of the ocean; the home of the brave and the free. The shrine of each patriot's devotion; a world offers homage to thee. ~ [[w:Thomas à Becket, Sr.|Thomas à Becket]]]]
[[File:NLN William Blum.jpg|thumb|Between 1945 and 2005 the United States has attempted to overthrow more than 50 foreign governments, and to crush more than 30 populist-nationalist movements struggling against intolerable regimes. In the process, the U.S. caused the end of life for several million people, and condemned many millions more to a life of agony and despair. ~ [[William Blum]]]]
[[File:Vonetta Flowers &amp; Jill Bakken at press conference after winning gold medal in 2 woman bobsleigh at 2002 Winter Olympics.jpg|thumb|I found America the friendliest, most forgiving, and most generous nation I had ever visited. ~ [[Jorge Luis Borges]]]]
[[File:STS-135 landing cropped.jpg|thumb|Rumors of America's decline have been greatly exaggerated. In the key categories of power, the U.S. will remain dominant for the foreseeable future... America is still the world's only superpower... That won't change. ~ [[w:Ian Bremmer|Ian Bremmer]]]]
[[File:H Rap Brown - USNWR.jpg|thumb|I don't give a shit who says what. If the muthafucka is wrong, he's wrong. ... In this country, authority is a cover for wrong. I don't respect wrong and I don't respect authority that represents wrong. ~ [[H. Rap Brown]]]]
[[File:Tunnel View, Yosemite Valley, Yosemite NP - Diliff.jpg|thumb|This is a beautiful country. ~ [[John Brown (abolitionist)|John Brown]]]]
[[File:Iraqi girls playing.jpg|thumb|If we're an arrogant nation, they'll resent us. If we're a humble nation, but strong, they'll welcome us. ~ [[George W. Bush]]]]
[[File:George Bush with African national leaders February 26, 2002.jpg|thumb|America will always stand firm for the non-negotiable demands of human dignity. The rule of law, limits on the power of the state, respect for women, private property, free speech, equal justice, and religious tolerance. ~ [[George W. Bush]]]]
[[File:Usnaturalization.jpg|thumb|We are a land of immigrants, and we ought to recognize that. [[w:United States|America]]'s soul is rejuvenated when people come to our country and work hard to realize dreams. ~ [[George W. Bush]]]]
[[File:Surrender Singapore.jpg|thumb|The United States will not retreat from the world, and we will never surrender to evil. America rejects the false comfort of isolationism. ~ [[George W. Bush]]]]
[[File:Ferguson Day 6, Picture 44.png|thumb|Too many of our citizens have cause to doubt our nation’s justice when the law points a finger of suspicion at groups, instead of individuals. All our citizens are created equal and must be treated equally. ~ [[George W. Bush]]]]
[[File:Thure de Thulstrup - L. Prang and Co. - Battle of Gettysburg - Restoration by Adam Cuerden.jpg|thumb|The stakes for [[w:United States|America]] are never small. If [[w:United States|our country]] does not lead the cause of freedom, it will not be led. ~ [[George W. Bush]]]]
[[File:Northa_America_satellite_globe_2.jpg|thumb|For most of our history, America felt safe behind two great oceans. But with the spread of technology, distance no longer means security. ~ [[George W. Bush]]]]
[[File:Defense.gov News Photo 090910-N-2855B-141.jpg|thumb|America has never been united by blood or birth or soil. We are bound by ideals that move us beyond our backgrounds, lift us above our interests and teach us what it means to be citizens. ~ [[George W. Bush]]]]
* A country whose founding statesmen were adamant about the dangers of armed, standing government forces; a country that enshrined the [[Fourth Amendment to the United States Constitution|Fourth Amendment]] in the Bill of Rights and revered and protected the age-old notion that the home is a place of privacy and sanctuary.
** [[w:Radley Balko|Radley Balko]], [http://www.abajournal.com/magazine/article/how_did_americas_police_become_a_military_force_on_the_streets &quot;How did America’s police become a military force on the streets?&quot;] (July 1, 2013), ''American Bar Association Journal''.

* The United States has always been a nation at odds with its professed aspirations of [[w:Human rights in the United States#Equality|equality]] and justice for all—from [[w:Genocide of indigenous peoples#United States colonization and westward expansion|the genocide]] of [[Genocide of indigenous peoples|original inhabitants]] to [[Slavery in the United States|slavery]] to [[w:Foreign interventions by the United States|military aggression abroad]]. But there have been periods in [[History of the United States|our history]] when courageous [[social movements]] have made significant advances. We must learn from those who’ve gone before us as we strive to build a movement that can tackle today’s injustices—and help all of us survive.
** [[William Barber II]], ''[https://progressive.org/magazine/real-epidemic-poverty-barber/ The Real Epidemic is Poverty]'' (March 30, 2020), ''{{w|The Progressive}}''

* As the government of the United States of America is not in any sense founded on the [[Christianity|Christian Religion]], as it has in itself no character or enmity against the laws, religion or tranquility of [[Muslim|Musselmen]], and as the said States never have entered into any war or act of hostility against any Mehomitan nation, it is declared by the parties that no pretext arising from religious opinions shall ever produce an interruption of the harmony existing between the two countries.
** [[Joel Barlow]], [https://web.archive.org/web/20081020234502/http://avalon.law.yale.edu/18th_century/bar1796t.asp Article 11, ''Treaty of Tripoli''] (January 3, 1797)

* I reflected that this was, after all, America, and everyone had a right to go to Hell in the handbasket of their choosing.
** [[w:Steven Barnes|Steven Barnes]], ''Endurance Vile,'' in {{w|George H. Scithers}} &amp; {{w|Darrell Schweitzer}} (eds.) ''Tales from the Spaceport Bar,'' p. 130. Originally appeared in [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asimov%27s_Science_Fiction Asimov's Science Fiction] August 1980.

* If you follow your dream, you can do anything in America.
** [[w:Rances Barthelemy|Rances Barthelemy]], ''Premier Boxing Champions'' (December 2015)

* USA! Come on and raise up! This one's for you, uh-huh! this one's for who? Us, us! Us! Yes, sir! Say it loud, United States of America! Time to put it down and do it like this; now fight for something that's worth it. I'm a country boy; never really cared before what was going on. Now that it came a little closer to home, I've got a couple more.
** [[w:Petey Pablo|Moses Barrett]], [https://muzlyrics.net/petey-pablo/raise-up-usa-flag-remix.html &quot;Raise Up, USA Flag Remix&quot;] (2001)

* Beautiful for spacious skies, for amber waves of grain, for purple mountain majesties. Above the fruited plain! America! America! God shed his grace on thee!
** [[w:Katharine Lee Bates|Katharine Bates]], &quot;{{w|America the Beautiful}}&quot; (1904)

* The American people are good people: Democrats, Independents, Republicans and others. Under no circumstances will I and I hope no others, capitulate to those that want to undercut what's all good in America.
** [[Network (film)|Howard Beale]]

* How anyone can look at the ongoing collapse of the USA due to its evil policies of mass immigration, free trade, and free speech and conclude that the failing state provides a functional model worthy of imitation, much less an ideal model that morally requires installation by force, completely mystifies me.
** [[W:Vox Day|Theodore Beale]], [https://voxday.net/2021/11/06/isolation-is-not-conquest/ Independence is Not Imperialism], ''Vox Popoli'', 6 November 2021

* The modern American regime is built on explicit, institutionalized hostility to the people who most resemble the great Americans of the past. It is anti-white, anti-male, anti-Christian, anti-rural, and anti-middle class. The more of these traits a person has, the more worthy of hate they become. The more the Globalist American Empire decays and squanders the inheritance it was given, the more bile and hatred it directs against those who symbolize what came before.
** [[W:Darren Beatie|Darren Beatie]], [https://www.revolver.news/2021/11/are-you-ready-to-be-an-american-kulak/ Are You Ready To Be An American Kulak?], ''Revolver'', 22 November 2021

* I believe in the protection of divine Providence... I believe there are millions of Americans that are, still believe in, and are still harkening to the spirit... God is not neutral in freedom of all of mankind... If America falls, freedom all over the world takes a mighty blow, and it may take a thousand years to be able to recover from it.
** [[Glenn Beck]], {{citation
    | date = 2012-11-02
    | title = Rep. Allen West in tight race
    | url = http://www.glennbeck.com/2012/11/02/rep-allen-west-in-tight-race/
    | periodical = The Glenn Beck Program
    | medium = Radio
}}, quoted in {{citation
    | date = 2012-11-06
    | title = Beck Confident About Election Because 'God is Not Neutral in [the] Freedom of All of Mankind'
    | first = Kyle
    | last = Mantyla
    | periodical = RightWingWatch
    | url = http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/beck-confident-about-election-because-god-not-neutral-freedom-all-mankind
    | accessdate = 2012-11-07}}

* Oh, Columbia! The gem of the ocean; the home of the brave and the free. The shrine of each patriot's devotion; a world offers homage to thee.
** [[w:Thomas A'Becket (composer)|Thomas à Becket]], &quot;{{w|Columbia, the Gem of the Ocean}}&quot; (1843)

* We have seen America as the symbol of democracy, a symbol to emulate.
** Adelina Bego, as quoted in [http://www.edition.cnn.com/2016/03/30/opinions/why-albania-loves-america-ghitis/index.html &quot;A Muslim country that loves America&quot;] (March 30, 2016), by Frida Ghitis, ''CNN''

*At the end of the day, my view that there is no one standard for evaluating political progress or regress that is universally applicable. There’s different reasonable ways approaching the question of what is a good political society. From [[Plato]] on we have seen competing models for society, and for [[utopia]]. The American standard for measuring political progress and reform in accordance with the democratic ideals embedded in its Constitution and advocated by its [[Founding Fathers of the United States|founding fathers]] have had great impact on many political movements in American history. Of course, there is always a huge gap between the ideal and the reality. But at the end of the day, the standard for evaluating reality should draw on the leading political ideas embedded in American civil culture... Not only does the United States claim that their democratic model is best for them, but it's that it is best for the rest of the world. Some Americans assume that alternative systems are fundamentally illegitimate. Naturally this attitude upsets many...
** [[w:Daniel A. Bell|Daniel A. Bell]], as quoted in [http://thediplomat.com/2015/12/interview-daniel-bell/ &quot;Chinese meritocracy and the limits of democracy&quot;] (December 17, 2015), by Emanuel Pastreich, ''The Diplomat''

* [[Association football|Football]] is a simple game. 22 women chase a ball for ninety minutes and at the end, [[w:United States|the United States]] win.
** [[w:Roger Bennett (journalist)|Roger Bennett]], as quoted in ''[http://meninblazers.com/page/podcasts Men in Blazers]''&lt;!--29:40--&gt; (July 1, 2015)

* This is a country that does things, America. It really does... Americans want to win. They want success; they're doers. You created [[w:Amazon.com|Amazon]]; you created [[w:Tesla|Tesla]]. You can do this.
** [[w:Roger Bennett (journalist)|Roger Bennett]], [https://meninblazers.com/page/podcasts &quot;USMNT Emergency Pod&quot;] (October 11, 2017), ''Men in Blazers''

* This country wasn't built by [[Wall Street]] bankers and [[Chief executive officer|CEOs]] and hedge fund managers. It was built by the American middle class
** [[Joe Biden]], [https://twitter.com/joebiden/status/1139960764016365569 Jun 15, 2019]

* For too long in this society, we have celebrated unrestrained individualism over common community. For too long as a nation, we have been lulled by the anthem of self-interest... We must rekindle the fire of idealism in our society, for nothing suffocates the promise of America more than unbounded cynicism and indifference.
** [[Joe Biden]], [http://www.nytimes.com/1987/06/10/us/biden-joins-campaign-for-the-presidency.html speech announcing entry into 1988 presidential race] (June 10, 1987), Wilmington, Delaware

* No president of the United States could represent the United States were he not committed to human rights. If you don't understand this, you can't deal with us.
** [[Joe Biden]], as quoted in [http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2015/04/06/born-red &quot;Born Red: How Xi Jinping, an unremarkable provincial administrator, became China’s most authoritarian leader since Mao.&quot;] (April   6, 2015), by Evan Osnos, ''The New Yorker''

* Let tyrants shake their iron rod, and slavery clank her galling chains. We fear them not, we trust in God... God forever reigns. The foe comes on with haughty stride. Our troops advance with martial noise. Their veterans flee before our youth, and generals yield to beardless boys.
** [[w:William Billings|William Billings]], [[w:Chester (song)|&quot;Chester&quot;]] (1770), ''The New England Psalm Singer''

* We still love America.
** [[w:Jamie Foxx|Eric M. Bishop]], as quoted in [https://web.archive.org/web/20150512164633/http://www.rttnews.com/2496252/jamie-foxx-blames-earpiece-for-u-s-anthem-at-mayweather-v-pacquiao-fight.aspx &quot;Jamie Foxx Blames Earpiece For U.S. Anthem At Mayweather V. Pacquiao Fight&quot;] (May 5, 2015), ''RTT News''

* The power of the United States depended heavily on its pale empire of ideas, attitudes and innovations. Its ideas alighted effortlessly on foreign ground, irrespective of who owned the ground. Much of its influence came from such innovations as the [[w:Telephone|telephone]], [[electricity]], [[Airplane|aircraft]] and the cheap [[car]], [[nuclear weapons]] and [[w:spacecraft|spacecraft]], [[computers]] and the [[Internet]]. Its influence came through [[jazz]], cartoons, [[Hollywood]], [[television]] and [[popular culture]]. Its influence came from an excitement about technology and economic change, and a belief in incentives and individual enterprise. It was also the most ardent missionary for the creed of democracy. While military and economic might was vital to the success of the United States, the power of its pale empire of ideas was probably even more pervasive.
** [[Geoffrey Blainey]], ''A Short History of the World'' (2000).

* The global role of the United States is perhaps the ultimate chapter in that long period of European expansion which had begun in [[w:Western Europe|western Europe]], and especially on the Atlantic seaboard, during the [[w:15th century|15th century]]. Europe slowly had outgrown its homeland. Its cultural empire eventually formed a long band traversing most of the Northern Hemisphere and dipping far into the Southern. The modern hub of the peoples and ideas of European origin is now [[New York City|New York]] as much as [[Paris]], or [[Los Angeles]] as much as [[London]]. In the history of the European peoples the city of [[Washington, D.C.|Washington]] is perhaps what [[Istanbul|Constantinople]] - the infant city of [[Constantine the Great|Emperor Constantine]] - was to the last phase of the [[Roman Empire]]; for it is unlikely that Europeans, a century hence, will continue to stamp the world so decisively with their ideas and inventions.
** [[Geoffrey Blainey]], ''A Short History of the World'' (2000).

* Between 1945 and 2005 the United States has attempted to overthrow more than 50 foreign governments, and to crush more than 30 populist-nationalist movements struggling against intolerable regimes. In the process, the U.S. caused the end of life for several million people, and condemned many millions more to a life of agony and despair.
** [[William Blum]], ''Rogue State: A Guide to the World's Only Superpower'', third edition (2006), p. 1-2.

* America is an exceptional nation in large part because we've aspired to rise above such prejudices and guarantee life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness to everyone.
** [[David Boaz]], [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/430126/donald-trump-conservatives-oppose-nomination &quot;Conservatives Against Trump&quot;] (January 21, 2016), ''National Review''

* I found America the friendliest, most forgiving, and most generous nation I had ever visited. We [[w:South America|South Americans]] tend to think of things in terms of convenience, whereas people in the United States approach things [[ethically]]. This — amateur [[Protestantism|Protestant]] that I am — I admired above all. It even helped me overlook [[Skyscraper|skyscrapers]], paper bags, [[television]], plastics, and the unholy jungle of gadgets.
** [[Jorge Luis Borges]], as quoted in ''The New Yorker'' (September 11, 1970)

* In the city of [[New York]] the banks tower above the cathedrals. [[Bank|Banks]] are the temples of the United States. This is a holy war. Our [[economy]] is our [[religion]].
** [[Giannina Braschi]], United States of Banana, 2011

* It will be very instructive to [[Koreans]] to watch the reaction of Americans. They know it's more gracious than their own reaction would be.
** [[w:Michael Breen|Michael Breen]], as quoted in [https://web.archive.org/web/20080621094118/http://www.iht.com/articles/ap/2007/04/21/asia/AS-GEN-SKorea-US-Shooting-Sympathy-and-Shame.php &quot;South Koreans balance sympathy and shame in delicate response to U.S. rampage&quot;] (April 20, 2007), ''Associated Press''.

* &lt;p&gt;A '[[w:Superpower|superpower]]' is a country that wields enough military, political and economic might to convince nations in all parts of the world to do things they otherwise wouldn't. Pundits have rushed to label [[China]] the next superpower, and so have many ordinary Americans, but the rumors of America's decline have been greatly exaggerated. In the key categories of power, the U.S. will remain dominant for the foreseeable future. These facts show why America is still the world's only superpower, and why that won't change anytime soon...&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Little of China's dramatic economic growth is finding its way into the pockets of Chinese consumers; the byproduct of an economy driven by massive state-owned enterprises rather than private industry. China's headline growth may be higher, but it's the U.S. economy that's allowing its citizens to grow along with it... America's military superiority remains unrivaled; full stop...&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;The U.S. dominates across land, sea, air and space. America's Middle East misadventures gave the U.S. military a black eye, but the [[Iraq War|wars in Iraq]] and [[War in Afghanistan (2001-present)|Afghanistan]] speak more to the changing nature of warfare than declining U.S. military superiority. Terrorists and guerrilla fighters give conventional military powers fits by design. The U.S. must ultimately learn to scale down to better meet those challenges. Nevertheless, while conventional military strength might not deter terrorists, it still does a terrific job of deterring hostile nations...&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;In order to have political power abroad, you must first have stability at home. The U.S. has the oldest working national constitution in the world, as well as strong institutions and rule of law to accompany it. While far from perfect, the governing document created by America’s founding fathers has evolved along with its people. The numbers show the enduring attraction of this system: 45 million people living in the U.S. today were born in a foreign country. That is more than four times higher than the next highest country. For many people around the world, America remains the ideal place to start a new life.&lt;/p&gt;
** [[w:Ian Bremmer|Ian Bremmer]], [https://web.archive.org/web/20150528161550/http://time.com/3899972/us-superpower-status-military/ &quot;These Are the 5 Reasons Why the U.S. Remains the World's Only Superpower: Why Washington can still claim global primacy in the 21st century&quot;] (May 28, 2015), ''Time''

* The USA is the world's foremost economic and military power, with global interests and an unmatched global reach. America's gross domestic product accounts for close to a quarter of the world total, and its military budget is reckoned to be almost as much as the rest of the world's defence spending put together. The country is also a major source of entertainment: American TV, Hollywood films, jazz, blues, rock and rap music are primary ingredients in global popular culture. The United States originated in a revolution which separated it from the British Crown. The constitution, drafted in 1787, established a federal system with a division of powers which has remained unchanged in form since its inception. People from all over the globe still try make the U.S. their home... The U.S. contains a highly diverse population, the product of numerous and sustained waves of immigration. Ethnic and racial diversity - the &quot;melting pot&quot; - is celebrated as a core element of the American ideology. The [[w:Civil Rights Act of 1964|1964 Civil Rights Act]] outlawed racial and other discrimination... [[Foreign policy of the United States|U.S. foreign policy]] has often mixed the idealism of its 'mission' to spread democracy with the pursuit of national self-interest. Given America's leading role on the international stage, its foreign policy aims and actions are likely to remain the subject of heated debate and criticism, as well as praise.
** [[w:British Broadcasting Corporation|British Broadcasting Corporation]], [http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-16759230 &quot;United States country profile: Overview&quot;] (October 29, 2015), ''BBC News'', United Kingdom.

* Free enterprise and American military leadership around the world are the two things that have pulled more people out of poverty than any other two things in the history of humanity.
** [[w:Arthur C. Brooks|Arthur Brooks]], [http://conversationswithbillkristol.org/video/arthur-brooks/ interview with Bill Kristol] (2015), [http://conversationswithbillkristol.org/transcript/arthur-brooks-video/ transcript]

* Americans still admire dignity. But the word has become un-moored from any larger set of rules or ethical system.
** [[David Brooks]], [http://www.nytimes.com/2009/07/07/opinion/07brooks.html?_r=1 &quot;In Search of Dignity&quot;], ''The New York Times'' (July 6, 2009), New York City, New York

* I don't give a shit who says what. If the muthafucka is wrong, he's wrong. ... In this country, authority is a cover for wrong. I don't respect wrong and I don't respect authority that represents wrong.
** [[H. Rap Brown]], ''Die Nigger Die'' (1969)

*  I see America for what it is. It's another Germany. It's the Fourth Reich. America makes [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]]'s and Germany's records look good. 
** [[H. Rap Brown]], as interviewed by Robert L. Allen, in Archives of Student Nonviolent Coordinating Committee, [https://content.wisconsinhistory.org/digital/collection/p15932coll2/id/31623 Manuscript 577], Box 47, Folder 16

* It is because of [[Racism in the United States|America's racism]] that [[Black people|black people and colored people]] around the world are oppressed. Throughout history black people who spoke out against America and her racism have been subjected to exile, assassination, murder, or imprisonment. So what happened to me is nothing new or different. Justice is a joke in this country for black people, and it stinks of its hypocrisy. Justice in this country means &quot;just-us white folks.&quot; Black people must understand that there is no redress of grievances in the courts but only in the streets, through armed guerrilla action. 
** [[H. Rap Brown]], as interviewed by Robert L. Allen, in Archives of Student Nonviolent Coordinating Committee, [https://content.wisconsinhistory.org/digital/collection/p15932coll2/id/31623 Manuscript 577], Box 47, Folder 16

* [[Slavery in the United States|Slavery]], throughout its entire existence in the United States, is none other than the most barbarous, unprovoked and unjustifiable war of one portion of its citizens against another portion, the only conditions of which are perpetual imprisonment and hopeless servitude, or absolute extermination, in utter disregard and violation of those eternal and self-evident truths set forth in our Declaration of Independence.
** [[John Brown (abolitionist)|John Brown]], [http://web.archive.org/web/20110421025226/http://law2.umkc.edu/faculty/projects/ftrials/johnbrown/brownconstitution.html &quot;Provisional Constitution and Ordinances&quot;] (1858).

* I, John Brown, am now quite certain that [[Slavery|the crimes]] of [[w:United States|this guilty land]] can never be purged away [[American Civil War|but with blood]]. I had as I now think, vainly flattered myself that without very much bloodshed, it might be done.
** [[John Brown (abolitionist)|John Brown]], as quoted in a note that he had at his execution (2 December 1859), most sources say it was handed to the guard, but some dispute that and claim it was handed to a reporter accompaning him; as quoted in ''John Brown and his Men'' (1894) by Richard Josiah Hinton

* This is a beautiful country. 
** [[John Brown (abolitionist)|John Brown]], last words (December 2, 1859), as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=uiaYWp66b-cC&amp;pg=PR1&amp;dq=John+Brown+and+his+Men+%281894%29+by+Richard+Josiah+Hinton&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ei=Uub_VN3CN5HbggTdxIK4Cw&amp;ved=0CB4Q6AEwAA#v=onepage&amp;q=John%20Brown%20and%20his%20Men%20(1894)%20by%20Richard%20Josiah%20Hinton&amp;f=false ''John Brown and his Men''] (1894) by Richard Josiah Hinton, p. 397.

* The protection of America itself will assume a high priority in a new century. Once a strategic afterthought, homeland defense has become an urgent duty. For most of our history, America felt safe behind two great oceans. But with the spread of [[technology]], distance no longer means security.
** [[George W. Bush]], [http://www.fas.org/spp/starwars/program/news99/92399_defense.htm &quot;A Period of Consequences&quot;] (September 23, 1999), South Carolina

* America has never been an empire. We may be the only great power in history that had the chance, and refused; preferring greatness to power and justice to glory.
** [[George W. Bush]], [http://www.globalsecurity.org/wmd/library/news/usa/1999/991119-bush-foreignpolicy.htm speech at Ronald Reagan Presidential Library, Simi Valley, California] (November 19, 1999)

* If we're an arrogant nation, they'll resent us. If we're a humble nation, but strong, they'll welcome us.
** [[George W. Bush]], [http://www.pbs.org/newshour/bb/politics/july-dec00/for-policy_10-12.html presidential debate] (October 11, 2000)

* The peaceful transfer of authority is rare in history, yet common in [[w:United States|our country]]. With a simple oath, we affirm old traditions and make new beginnings... We have a place, all of us, in a long story. A story we continue, but whose end we will not see. It is the story of a new world that became a friend and liberator of the old, a story of a slave-holding society that became a servant of freedom, the story of a power that went into the world to protect but not possess, to defend but not to conquer... America has never been united by blood or birth or soil. We are bound by ideals that move us beyond our backgrounds, lift us above our interests and teach us what it means to be citizens. Every child must be taught these principles. Every citizen must uphold them; and every immigrant, by embracing these ideals, makes [[w:United States|our country]] more, not less, American... The stakes for America are never small. If [[w:United States|our country]] does not lead the cause of freedom, it will not be led.
** [[George W. Bush]], ''First Inaugural Address'' (January 20, 2001)

* An artist using statistics as a brush could paint two very different pictures of our country. One would have warning signs: increasing layoffs, rising energy prices, too many failing schools, persistent poverty, the stubborn vestiges of [[Bigotry|racism]]. Another picture would be full of blessings: a balanced budget, big surpluses, a military that is second to none, a country at peace with its neighbors, technology that is revolutionizing the world, and our greatest strength, concerned citizens who care for our country and care for each other... Too many of our citizens have cause to doubt our nation’s justice when the law points a finger of suspicion at groups, instead of individuals. All our citizens are created equal and must be treated equally... A strong America is the world's best hope for peace and freedom. Yet the cause of freedom rests on more than our ability to defend ourselves and our allies. Freedom is exported every day, as we ship goods and products that improve the lives of millions of people. Free trade brings greater political and personal freedom.
** [[George W. Bush]], ''[[s:George W. Bush's First State of the Union Address|State of the Union]]'' (February 27, 2001)

* America's rich musical heritage reflects the diversity of our people. Among many influences, the cultural traditions brought to this land from Africa more than four centuries ago and the remarkable musical achievements of African Americans since then have strongly and unmistakably improved the sound of American music.
** [[George W. Bush]], [https://web.archive.org/web/20010913053804/http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2001/06/20010629-16.html ''A Proclamation By the President of the United States of America on Black Music Month''] ( June 29, 2001)

* Terrorist attacks can shake the foundations of our biggest buildings, but they cannot touch the foundation of America. These acts shatter steel, but they cannot dent the steel of American resolve... America was targeted for attack because we're the brightest beacon for freedom and opportunity in the world. And no one will keep that light from shining... Americans from every walk of life unite in our resolve for justice and peace. America has stood down enemies before, and we will do so this time.
** [[George W. Bush]], [http://archives.cnn.com/2001/US/09/11/bush.speech.text/ remarks on the September 11 attacks] (September 11, 2001)

* This is a great country. It’s a great country because we share the same values of respect and dignity and human worth.
** [[George W. Bush]], [https://georgewbush-whitehouse.archives.gov/news/releases/2001/09/20010917-11.html &quot;Islam is Peace&quot;] (17 September 2001), as quoted in [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/jenna-bush-hager-shares-george-w-bushs-islam-is-peace-speech-from-2001_us_5890b4c0e4b02772c4e9528b &quot;Jenna Bush Hager Shares George W. Bush’s ‘Islam Is Peace’ Speech From 2001&quot;] (31 January 2017), by Jenna Amatulli, ''The Huffington Post''

* Uphold the values of America and remember why so many have come here. We are in a fight for our principles, and our first responsibility is to live by them. No one should be singled out for unfair treatment or unkind words because of their ethnic background or religious faith.
**[[George W. Bush]], [[s:Freedom and Fear Are at War|''Freedom and Fear Are at War'': Address to a Joint Session of Congress and the American People]] (20 September 2001)

* No nation owns these aspirations, and no nation is exempt from them. We have no intention of imposing our culture. But America will always stand firm for the non-negotiable demands of human dignity. The rule of law, limits on the power of the state, respect for women, private property, free speech, equal justice, and religious tolerance... Beyond all differences of race or creed, we are one country, mourning together and facing danger together. Deep in the American character, there is honor, and it is stronger than cynicism.
** [[George W. Bush]], [[s:George W. Bush's Second State of the Union Address|2002 State of the Union address]] (29 January 2002), Washington, D.C.

* America rejects bigotry. We reject every act of hatred... We are one country. Every immigrant can be fully and equally American because we're one country. Race and color should not divide us, because America is one country.
** [[George W. Bush]], [https://web.archive.org/web/20090923141443/http://georgewbush-whitehouse.archives.gov/infocus/ramadan/islam.html speech at Parkside Hall] (30 April 2002), San Jose, California

* Any suggestion that a segregated past was acceptable or positive is offensive and it is wrong. Recent comments by Senator Lott do not reflect the spirit of our country. He has apologized and rightly so. Every day our nation was segregated was a day that America was unfaithful to our founding ideals, and the founding ideals of our nation, and in fact the founding ideals of the political party I represent, was and remains today the equal dignity and equal rights of every American.
** [[George W. Bush]], speech (12 December 2002), as quoted in [https://web.archive.org/save/http://www.irishtimes.com/news/lott-remarks-on-segregation-wrong-and-offensive-1.1107399 &quot;Lott's Remarks on Segregation 'Wrong and Offense'&quot;] (13 December 2002), ''The Irish Times''

* Americans have upheld the ideals of America by exposing laws and habits contradicting those ideals... Americans share a belief in the values of liberty and dignity; we must share in the labor of advancing those values... In the struggle of the centuries, America learned that freedom is not the possession of one race. We know with equal certainty that freedom is not the possession of one nation. This belief in the natural rights of man, this conviction that justice should reach wherever the sun passes, leads America into the world. With the power and resources given to us, the United States seeks to bring peace where there is conflict, hope where there's suffering, and liberty where there's tyranny.
** [[George W. Bush]], [https://web.archive.org/web/20030810050737/http://www.cnn.com/2003/WORLD/africa/07/08/bush.slavery.transcript/ ''Hope and Conscience Will Not Be Silenced''] (8 July 2003), speech at Goree Island, Senegal

* &lt;p&gt;The advance of freedom is the calling of our time; it is the calling of our country...&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;America has put our power at the service of principle. We believe that liberty is the design of nature; we believe that liberty is the direction of history. We believe that human fulfillment and excellence come in the responsible exercise of liberty, and we believe that freedom, the freedom we prize, is not for us alone, it is the right and the capacity of all mankind.&lt;/p&gt;
** [[George W. Bush]], [http://www.ned.org/events/anniversary/oct1603-Bush.html Address to the National Endowment for Democracy at the United States Chamber of Commerce, Washington, D.C.] (6 November 2003).

* The exercise of rights is ennobled by service and mercy and a heart for the weak. Liberty for all does not mean independence from one another. Our nation relies on men and women who look after a neighbor and surround the lost with love. Americans, at our best, value the life we see in one another and must always remember that even the unwanted have worth. And our country must abandon all the habits of racism because we cannot carry the message of freedom and the baggage of [[bigotry]] at the same time.
** [[George W. Bush]], ''[http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=4460172 second inaugural address]'' (20 January 2005)

* We love our freedom, and we will fight to keep it... The United States will not retreat from the world, and we will never surrender to evil. America rejects the false comfort of isolationism.
** [[George W. Bush]], ''[http://www.cnn.com/2006/POLITICS/01/31/sotu.transcript/index.html State of the Union]'' (31 January 2006)

* The United States was founded on the belief that all men are created equal. Every Election Day, millions of Americans of all races, religions, and backgrounds step into voting booths throughout the Nation. Whether they are rich or poor, old or young, each of them has an equal share in choosing the path that our country will take. And every ballot they cast is a reminder that our founding principles are alive and well.
** [[George W. Bush]], [https://georgewbush-whitehouse.archives.gov/news/releases/2008/11/20081101.html radio address] (1 November 2008)

* America is a young country full of vitality, constantly growing and renewing itself. And even in the toughest times, we lift our eyes to the broad horizon ahead... The battles waged by our troops are part of a broader struggle between two dramatically different systems. Under one, a small band of fanatics demands total obedience to an oppressive ideology, condemns women to subservience, and marks unbelievers for murder. The other system is based on the conviction that freedom is the universal gift of Almighty God and that liberty and justice light the path to peace. This is the belief that gave birth to [[w:United States|our nation]]. And in the long run, advancing this belief is the only practical way to protect our citizens... America must maintain our moral clarity. I have often spoken to you about good and evil. This has made some uncomfortable. But good and evil are present in this world, and between the two there can be no compromise. Murdering the innocent to advance an ideology is wrong every time, everywhere. Freeing people from oppression and despair is eternally right. This nation must continue to speak out for justice and truth. We must always be willing to act in their defense and to advance the cause of peace.
** [[George W. Bush]], [http://listenonrepeat.com/watch/?v=fFqezJcneeI#Presidential_Farewell_Speech_George_W_Bush farewell speech to the nation] (20 January 2009)

* We are a land of immigrants, and we ought to recognize that. [[w:United States|America]]'s soul is rejuvenated when people come to our country and work hard to realize dreams.
** [[George W. Bush]], [http://www.c-span.org/video/?297693-1/qa-former-president-george-w-bush ''Q&amp;A with Former President George W. Bush''] (24 January 2011)

* The greatest nation, ever. Here you can strive and succeed as far as you dare to dream. It says something about our country that millions around the world are willing to leave their homes and families and risk everything to come here and realize the American dream. Their pursuit of that dream invigorates our national soul. It renews our country’s character; and it adds vitality to our culture... A land that is compassionate and decent... We believe in the rights and dignity of our own citizenry, we are committed to defending the rights and dignity of people everywhere. America has liberated millions around the world from tyranny and terror. We’ve helped turn the tide against deadly disease in places like Africa. In our hearts we believe all are created equal... The liberty we prize is not America's gift to the world, it is Almighty God’s gift to humanity... It is essential to this nation's future that we remember that the freedom to worship who we want, and how we want, or not worship at all, is a core belief.
** [[George W. Bush]], [http://www.smu.edu/News/2015/commencement-may-bush-address Remarks by President George W. Bush at SMU's 100th Spring Commencement Convocation] (16 May 2015)

* Our identity as a nation — unlike many other nations — is not determined by geography or ethnicity, by soil or blood. Being an American involves the embrace of high ideals and civic responsibility. We become the heirs of [[Thomas Jefferson]] by accepting the ideal of human dignity found in the Declaration of Independence. We become the heirs of [[James Madison]] by understanding the genius and values of the U.S. Constitution. We become the heirs of [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], by recognizing one another not by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character. This means that people of every race, religion, and ethnicity can be fully and equally American. It means that [[bigotry]] or [[white supremacy]] in any form is [[blasphemy]] against the American creed. And it means that the very identity of our nation depends on the passing of civic ideals to the next generation... Self-correction is the secret strength of freedom. We are a nation with a history of resilience and a genius for renewal.
** [[George W. Bush]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S2YlVZxu_L0 remarks at Bush Institute Summit, &quot;The Spirit of Liberty: At Home, In The World&quot; at the Bush Institute Summit in New York City] (October 2017), as quoted in [http://archive.is/jl9AF#selection-2115.0-2135.112 ''The Washington Post''] (October 2017)

==C==
[[File:McDonald's, Germantown, Maryland, September 9, 2013.JPG|thumb|Americans love to eat. They are fatally attracted to the slow death of fast food. ~ [[George Carlin]]]]
[[File:Stokely Carmichael in Alabama 1966.jpeg|thumb|For a century, this nation has been like an octopus of exploitation, its tentacles stretching from Mississippi and Harlem to South America, the Middle East, southern Africa, and Vietnam; the form of exploitation varies from area to area but the essential result has been the same—a powerful few have been maintained and enriched at the expense of the poor and voiceless colored masses. This pattern must be broken. ~ [[Stokely Carmichael]]]]
[[File:Jimmy Carter.jpg|thumb|We've become now an [[oligarchy]] instead of a democracy. And I think that's been the worst damage to the basic moral and ethical standards of the American political system that I've ever seen in my life. ~ [[Jimmy Carter]]]]
[[File:Capitol_2.jpg|thumb|We have built no national temples but the Capitol; we consult no common oracle but the Constitution. ~ [[Rufus Choate]]]]
[[File:Ward Churchill.jpg|thumb|I hear Republicans and Libertarians and so forth talking about property rights, but they stop talking about property rights as soon as the subject of American Indians comes up, because they know fully well, perhaps not in a fully articulated, conscious form, but they know fully well that the basis for the very system of endeavor and enterprise and profitability to which they are committed and devoted accrues on the basis of theft of the resources of someone else. They are in possession of stolen property. They know it. They all know it. It's a dishonest endeavor from day one. ~ [[Ward Churchill]]]]
[[File:US Capitol west side.JPG|thumb|Our democracy must be not only the envy of the world but the engine of our own renewal. ~ [[Bill Clinton]]]]
[[File:Lyndon Johnson and Martin Luther King, Jr. - Voting Rights Act.jpg|thumb|There is nothing wrong with America that cannot be cured by what is right with America. ~ [[Bill Clinton]]]]
[[File:Borderwallbrownsvile.jpg|thumb|200px|And throughout the history of the borderlands, the [[military]] or armed [[w:militias|militias]] have been dispatched there to keep [[w:Black people|black]] [[slaves]] from fleeing, remove [[Native Americans]] from [[w:Ancestral lands|ancestral lands]] and suppress [[Mexican]]-[[American]] revolts stemming from [[anger]] over white mob [[violence]]. ~ Russell Contreras]]
[[File:Greater coat of arms of the United States.svg|thumb|America at least has demonstrated that republics are not ungrateful. It is one of the glories of our country that so long as we remain faithful to the cause of justice and truth and liberty, this action will continue. ~ [[Calvin Coolidge]]]]
[[File:1807 half dollar rev.jpg|thumb|We've gotten to where we've nearly 'them'ed ourselves to death. Them and them and them. But this is America. There is no them; there's only us. One nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty, and justice, for all. ~ [[Bill Clinton]]]]
[[File:US flag 13 stars – Betsy Ross.svg|thumb|When the people of the colonies were defending their liberties against the might of kings, they chose their banner from the design set in the firmament through all eternity. The flags of great empires of that day have gone, but the stars and stripes remain. ~ [[Calvin Coolidge]]]]
[[File:US Navy 030501-N-8029P-003 A total of 43 sailors assigned to USS Abraham Lincoln (CVN 72) take the oath of citizenship upon the completion of a naturalization ceremony.jpg|thumb|America is a large country. It is a tolerant country. It has room within its borders for many races and many creeds. ~ [[Calvin Coolidge]]]]
[[File:US Navy 090918-N-2013O-142 Service members and family members recite the oath of allegiance during a naturalization ceremony at Commander, Fleet Activities Yokosuka.jpg|thumb|There is no better American spirit than that which is exhibited by many of those who have recently come to our shores. ~ [[Calvin Coolidge]]]]
[[File:US Navy 100804-N-6770T-031 Sailors, Airmen, and Soldiers from nations around the world swear in as U.S. citizens during a naturalization ceremony aboard USS Port Royal (CG 73).jpg|thumb|We are situated differently in this respect from any other country. All the other great powers have a comparatively homogeneous population, close kindred in race and blood and speech, and commonly little divided in religious beliefs. Our great nation is made up of the strong and virile pioneering stock of nearly all the countries of the world. We have a variety of race and language and religious belief. ~ [[Calvin Coolidge]]]]
[[File:Coat of arms of the United States.svg|thumb|American citizenship is a high estate. He who holds it is the peer of kings. It has been secured only by untold toil and effort. It will be maintained by no other method. It demands the best that men and women have to give, but it likewise awards to its partakers the best that there is on earth. ~ [[Calvin Coolidge]]]]
[[File:DA-SD-05-00599.jpg|thumb|[[w:African American|Colored people]] have repeatedly proved their devotion to the high ideals of [[w:United States|our country]]. [[w:African American|They]] gave [[w:African American|their]] services in [[World War I|the war]] with the same [[patriotism]] and readiness that other citizens did. ~ [[Calvin Coolidge]]]]
[[File:US Navy 100308-N-7280V-224 Sailors recite the pledge of allegiance as they become U.S. citizens during a naturalization ceremony aboard the U.S. 7th Fleet command ship USS Blue Ridge (LCC 19).jpg|thumb|It is one of the anomalies of the human story that these peoples, who could not be assimilated and unified... should on coming to America discover an amazing genius for cooperation, for fusion, and for harmonious effort. Yet they were the same people when they came here that they had been on the other side... Quite apparently, they found something in our institutions, something in the American system of Government and society which they themselves helped to construct, that furnished to all of them a political and cultural common denominator. ~ [[Calvin Coolidge]]]]
[[File:USMC-100201-M-4752B-003.jpg|thumb|Perhaps no country on earth has greater responsibilities than [[w:United States|America]]. ~ [[Calvin Coolidge]]]]
[[File:Top of Rock Cropped.jpg|thumb|Our experience in that respect ought not to lead us too hastily to assume that we have been therefore better than other people, but certainly we have been more fortunate. We came on the stage at a later time, so that this country had presented to it, already attained, a civilization that other countries had secured only as a result of a long and painful struggle. ~ [[Calvin Coolidge]]]]
[[File:US Navy 100208-N-2475A-088 Sailors stand by for morning colors aboard the Nimitz-class aircraft carrier USS John C. Stennis (CVN 74).jpg|thumb|We went in and came out singularly free from those questionable causes and results which have often characterized other wars. We were not moved by the age-old antagonisms of racial jealousies and hatreds. We were not seeking to gratify the ambitions of any reigning dynasty. We were not inspired by trade and commercial rivalries. We harbored no imperialistic designs. We feared no other country. We coveted no territory. ~ [[Calvin Coolidge]]]]
[[File:080930-110605 - SGT Lisa Morales awaits turn.jpg|thumb|We have waged no wars to determine a succession, establish a dynasty, or glorify a reigning house. Our military operations have been for the service of the cause of humanity. The principles on which they have been fought have more and more come to be accepted as the ultimate standards of the world. ~ [[Calvin Coolidge]]]]
[[File:Iraqi child with U.S. Troops.jpg|thumb|The spirit of America is to help everybody and injure nobody. ~ [[Calvin Coolidge]]]]
[[File:US Navy 091218-N-6046S-055 Sailors prepare to hoist the national Ensign on the stern of the Nimitz-class aircraft carrier USS John C. Stennis (CVN 74).jpg|thumb|Our condition today is not merely that of one people under one flag, but of a thoroughly united people who have seen bitterness and enmity which once threatened to sever them pass away, and a spirit of kindness and good will reign over them all. ~ [[Calvin Coolidge]]]]
[[File:1.12.02NewYorkStockExchangeByLuigiNovi1.jpg|thumb|The chief business of the American people is business. They are profoundly concerned with buying, selling, investing and prospering in the world. ~ [[Calvin Coolidge]]]]
[[File:US Navy 100920-N-6632S-068 Sailors raise their right hands while reciting the oath of citizenship during a naturalization ceremony in the hangar ba.jpg|thumb|As a nation, our first duty must be to those who are already our inhabitants, whether native or immigrants. To them we owe an especial and a weighty obligation. They came to us with stout hearts and high hopes of bettering their estate. They have contributed much to making our country what it is. They magnificently proved their loyalty by contributing their full part when the war made demand for sacrifices by all Americans. ~ [[Calvin Coolidge]]]]
[[File:Freedom Day, Claiborne County, Mississippi.jpg|thumb|People have marveled at the growth and strength of America. They have wondered how a few weak and discordant colonies were able to win their independence from one of the greatest powers of the world. They have been amazed at our genius for self-government. They have been unable to comprehend how the shock of a great Civil War did not destroy our Union. They do not understand the economic progress of our people. It is true that we have had the advantage of great natural resources, but those have not been exclusively ours. Others have been equally fortunate in that direction. The progress of America has been due to the spirit of the people. ~ [[Calvin Coolidge]]]]
[[File:US flag 48 stars.svg|thumb|Alone of all flags, it expresses the sovereignty of the people which endures when all else passes away. Speaking with their voice, it has the sanctity of revelations. He who lives under it and disloyal to it is a traitor to the human race everywhere. What could be saved if the flag of the American nation were to perish? ~ [[Calvin Coolidge]]]]
[[File:US men's soccer team trains in NJ 2010-05-20.jpg|thumb|In the case of a people which represents many nations, cultures, and races, as does our own, a unification of interests and ideals in recreations is bound to wield a telling influence for solidarity of the entire population. No more truly democratic force can be set off against the tendency to class and caste than the democracy of individual parts and prowess in sport. ~ [[Calvin Coolidge]]]]
[[File:NYSE_Wall_St_2002.jpg|thumb|Our inhabitants are especially free to promote their own welfare. They are unburdened by militarism. They are not called upon to support any imperialistic designs. Every mother can rest in the assurance that her children will find here a land of devotion, prosperity and peace. ~ [[Calvin Coolidge]]]]
[[File:U.S. Capitol Washington D.C..jpg|thumb|American government was the result of an effort to establish institutions under which the people as a whole should have the largest possible advantages. Class and privilege were outlawed, freedom and opportunity were guaranteed. They undertook to provide conditions under which service would be adequately rewarded, and where the people would own their own property and control their own government. ~ [[Calvin Coolidge]]]]
[[File:GEN Colin Powell.JPG|thumb|The [[Bigotry|propaganda of prejudice and hatred]] which sought to keep the colored men from supporting the national cause completely failed. The black man showed himself the same kind of citizen, moved by the same kind of [[patriotism]], as the white man. They were tempted, but not one betrayed [[w:United States|his country]]. ~ [[Calvin Coolidge]]]]
[[File:Henry Johnson.PNG|thumb|During [[World War I|the war]] 500,000 colored men and boys were called up under the draft, not one of whom sought to evade it. They took their places wherever assigned in defense of [[w:United States|the nation of which they are just as truly citizens]] as are any others. ~ [[Calvin Coolidge]]]]
[[File:USA Flag Map.svg|thumb|The liberal attitude of every citizen toward his fellows. It is this factor which has preserved to all of us that equality of opportunity which enables every American to become the architect of whatever fortune he deserves. ~ [[Calvin Coolidge]]]]
[[File:Powell.JPEG|thumb|No part of the community responded more willingly, more generously, more unqualifiedly, to the demand for special extraordinary exertion, than did the members of the Negro race. ~ [[Calvin Coolidge]]]]
[[File:ColinPowell.JPEG|thumb|Whether in the military service, or in the vast mobilization of industrial resources which the war required, the Negro did his part precisely as did the white man. He drew no color line when patriotism made its call upon him. He gave precisely as his white fellow citizens gave, to the limit of resources and abilities, to help the general cause. ~ [[Calvin Coolidge]]]]
[[File:Political and Military Personalities of the Gulf War 1990-1991 GLF1174.jpg|thumb|The American Negro established his right to the gratitude and appreciation which the Nation has been glad to accord. ~ [[Calvin Coolidge]]]]
[[File:Defense.gov News Photo 090120-N-9286M-059.jpg|thumb|Let us keep our desire to help other lands as a great and broad principle, not to help in one place and do harm in another, but to render assistance everywhere. ~ [[Calvin Coolidge]]]]
[[File:American Morgan Horse.jpg|thumb|Never fear, true hearts! A people which has shown the quality of its genius as this nation has in the last four years will finish its work. It will go forward and not backward. For our America shall be the Sinai of the nations, and from the terrible thunders and lightnings of its great struggle shall proceed the divine law of liberty that shall subdue and harmonize the world. ~ [[George William Curtis]]]]
[[File:Battle of Guiliford Courthouse 15 March 1781.jpg|thumb|The United States was made by men of all races and colors, not for white men, but for the refuge and defense of ''[[man]]''. If it does not rest upon the natural rights of man, it rests nowhere. ~ [[George William Curtis]]]]
[[File:Washington Constitutional Convention 1787.jpg|thumb|We want America free at home, and free in the world. We want to silence the outcry of nation against nation, in the fullness of understanding, and we wish to silence [[Bigotry|the cry of class against class]], and stifle the party appeal to class, so that we may ensure tranquility in our own freedom. ~ [[Warren G. Harding]]]]
[[File:U.S. flag (35 stars).svg|thumb|Manhood in America is to be measured not by the color of the skin, but by the quality of the soul. ~ [[George William Curtis]]]]
[[File:Abraham Lincoln O-55, 1861-crop.jpg|thumb|[[Abraham Lincoln|The truest American president we have ever had]], the companion of [[George Washington|Washington]] in our love and honor, recognized that the poorest man, however outraged, however ignorant, however despised, however black, was, as a man, his equal. ~ [[George William Curtis]]]]
[[File:New American citizens wave their flags.jpg|thumb|Let it never be forgotten that the cause of [[w:United States|the United States]] is the cause of human nature, not of white men nor black men nor red men nor brown men, but of man, of mankind. ~ [[George William Curtis]]]]
[[File:US Great Seal 1877 drawing.png|thumb|There is no gentleman in America, but he who feels that every man is his equal in natural right, and who does not know that he is cheated if every man does not have fair play. ~ [[George William Curtis]]]]
[[File:Oil on Canvas Portrait of Dred Scott (cropped).jpg|thumb|The United States, in its essential spirit and intention, recognizes the essential manhood of Dred Scott as absolutely as it does that of the president, of the chief justice, or of any senator of the United States. ~ [[George William Curtis]]]]
[[File:US Navy 030501-N-9214D-048 Sailors raise their right hands and take the oath of U.S. citizenship during a naturalization ceremony held at Cabrillo National Monument.jpg|thumb|A different idea has taken place with the people of America, more favorable to the natural rights of mankind, and to that natural, innate desire of liberty, with which Heaven, without regard to color, complexion, or shape of noses-features, has inspired all the human race. And upon this ground our constitution. ~ [[w:William Cushing|William Cushing]]]]
* You mess with [[Israel]], you are messing with the United States of America. It's that simple.
** [[Herman Cain]], as quoted in [http://www.realclearpolitics.com/video/2011/05/20/herman_cain_obama_threw_israel_under_the_bus.html ''Real Clear Politics''] (May 20, 2011)

* The United States of America is not going to become the United States of [[Europe]], not on our watch.
** [[Herman Cain]], as quoted in [http://www.daytondailynews.com/news/dayton-news/tea-party-speaker-stupid-people-running-country-977298.html ''Dayton Daily News''] (2011)

* Ultimately, the economic foundations of this country must be shaken if black people are to control their lives. The [[Colony|colonies]] of the United States—and this includes the black ghettoes within its borders, north and south—must be liberated. For a century, this nation has been like an octopus of exploitation, its tentacles stretching from [[Mississippi]] and [[w:Harlem|Harlem]] to South America, the [[Middle East]], [[w:Southern Africa|southern Africa]], and [[Vietnam]]; the form of exploitation varies from area to area but the essential result has been the same—a powerful few have been maintained and enriched at the expense of the poor and voiceless colored masses. This pattern must be broken. 
** [[Stokely Carmichael]] [http://www.nybooks.com/articles/1966/09/22/what-we-want/ &quot;What We Want,&quot;] ''[[w:New York Review of Books|New York Review of Books]]'', September 22, 1966

* Americans love to eat. They are fatally attracted to the slow death of [[w:Fast food|fast food]].
** [[George Carlin]], ''Life Is Worth Losing'' (2005)

* The American approach is not to dominate.
** [[w:Ash Carter|Ashton B. Carter]], [http://www.charlierose.com/ interview with Charlie Rose] (February 2016)

* It violates the essence of what made America a great country in its political system. Now it’s just an [[oligarchy]] with unlimited political bribery being the essence of getting the nominations for president or being elected president. And the same thing applies to governors, and U.S. Senators and congress members. So, now we’ve just seen a subversion of our political system as a payoff to major contributors, who want and expect, and sometimes get, favors for themselves after the election is over... At the present time the incumbents, Democrats and Republicans, look upon this unlimited money as a great benefit to themselves. Somebody that is already in Congress has a great deal more to sell, to an avid contributor.
** [[Jimmy Carter]], statement on the [[w:Citizens United v. FEC|''Citizens United'' decision of the Supreme Court]], in [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hDsPWmioSHg an interview with Thom Hartmann (28 July 2015)]; also quoted in [http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/videos/jimmy-carter-u-s-is-an-oligarchy-with-unlimited-political-bribery-20150731  Jimmy Carter: U.S. Is an 'Oligarchy With Unlimited Political Bribery'&quot; in ''Rolling Stone'' (31 July 2015)], and in [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/eric-zuesse/jimmy-carter-is-correct-t_b_7922788.html &quot;Jimmy Carter Is Correct That the U.S. Is No Longer a Democracy&quot; by Eric Zuesse, in ''Huffington Post'' (3 August 2015)].

* We've become now an [[oligarchy]] instead of a democracy. And I think that's been the worst damage to the basic moral and ethical standards of the American political system that I've ever seen in my life.
** [[Jimmy Carter]], statement in [http://www.supersoul.tv/supersoul-sunday/jimmy-carter-on-whether-he-could-be-president-today-absolutely-not/ an interview on ''SuperSoul Sunday''] with [[Oprah Winfrey]], as quoted in [https://mic.com/articles/125813/jimmy-carter-tells-oprah-america-is-no-longer-a-democracy-now-an-oligarchy &quot;Jimmy Carter Tells Oprah America Is No Longer a Democracy, Now an Oligarchy&quot; by Jon Levine, in ''.Mic'' (24 September 2015)].
 
*(The United States is) the most warlike nation in the history of the world... How many miles of [[High-speed rail|high-speed railroad]] do we have in this country?... We have wasted, I think, $3 trillion ([[Military-industrial complex|military spending]]) ... [[China]] has not wasted a single penny on war, and that's why they're ahead of us.  In almost every way... And I think the difference is if you take $3 trillion and put it in American infrastructure, you'd probably have $2 trillion left over. We'd have high-speed railroad. We'd have bridges that aren't collapsing. We'd have roads that are maintained properly. Our [[education system]] would be as good as that of, say, [[South Korea]] or [[Hong Kong]]... I wasn't comparing my country adversely to China, I was just pointing that out because I happened to get a phone call last night.
**[[Jimmy Carter]] quoted in [https://www.npr.org/2019/04/15/713495558/president-trump-called-former-president-jimmy-carter-to-talk-about-china President Trump Called Former President Jimmy Carter To Talk About China, Emma Hurt, ''NPR''] (April 15, 2019)

* I think this whole notion that somehow we can just say no more [[Muslim|Muslims,]] just ban a whole religion, goes against everything we stand for and believe in. I wouldn't support a ban on all Muslims coming into this country.
** [[Dick Cheney|Richard Cheney]], [http://www.cbsnews.com/news/dick-cheney-more-conservatives-slam-trumps-proposal-to-keep-muslims-out-of-u-s/ ''The Hugh Hewitt Show''] (December 7, 2015).

* We have built no national temples but the [[w:United States Capitol|Capitol]]; we consult no common oracle but the Constitution.
** [[Rufus Choate]], ''The Importance of Illustrating New-England History by a Series of Romances like the Waverley Novels'' (1833), a lecture delivered at Salem, Massachusetts.

*'''We should recognize that white male supremacy is a deep current in American history.''' It’s not gonna go away immediately. But there have been dents, significant ones. So for example, even in the mainstream, when the ''New York Times'' ran the 1619 Project, it couldn’t have happened a couple of years earlier. And it’s because of changes in general consciousness and awareness. Of course, there was an immediate backlash, strong backlash, and you’re gonna expect that, white male supremacy is a deep part of American history and culture. To extirpate it is not gonna be easy. And, but there are, there’s very significant progress. Plenty of conflict coming. It’s not gonna be an easy struggle.
**[[Noam Chomsky]],  [https://lauraflanders.org/2021/10/aoc-noam-chomsky/ AOC &amp; Noam Chomsky: The Way Forward + transcript]    October 28, 2021

* I choose to live in what I think is the greatest country in the world, which is committing horrendous [[Terrorism|terrorist]] acts and should stop.
**[[Noam Chomsky]],   Debate with [[w:William Bennett|Bill Bennett]] on [[w:CNN|CNN]], May 30, 2002 [http://www.radio4all.net/index.php?op=program-info&amp;program_id=11118]

* [[September 11]] shocked many Americans into an awareness that they had better pay much closer attention to what the US government does in the world and how it is perceived. Many issues have been opened for discussion that were not on the agenda before. That's all to the good. It is also the merest sanity, if we hope to reduce the likelihood of future atrocities. '''It may be comforting to pretend that our enemies &quot;hate our freedoms,&quot; as President Bush stated, but it is hardly wise to ignore the real world''', which conveys different lessons. '''The president is not the first to ask: &quot;Why do they hate us?&quot;''' In a staff discussion 44 years ago, '''President [[Dwight D. Eisenhower|Eisenhower]] described &quot;the campaign of hatred against us''' [in the Arab world], '''not by the governments but by the people&quot;. His [[w:United States National Security Council|National Security Council]] outlined the basic reasons: the US supports corrupt and oppressive governments and is &quot;opposing political or economic progress&quot; because of its interest in controlling the oil resources of the region. ...What they hate is official policies that deny them freedoms to which they aspire.'''
**[[Noam Chomsky]], ''The Guardian'', September 9, 2002 [http://www.chomsky.info/articles/20020909.htm].

* In the United States you're not allowed to talk about [[Class conflict|class differences]]. In fact, only two groups are allowed to be [[class-conscious]] in the United States. One of them is the business community, which is rabidly class-conscious. When you read their literature, it's all full of the danger of the masses and their rising power and how we have to defeat them. It's kind of vulgar, inverted [[Marxism]]. The other group is the high planning sectors of the government. They talk the same way &amp;mdash; how we have to worry about the rising aspirations of the common man and the impoverished masses who are seeking to improve standards and harming the business climate. So they can be class-conscious. They have a job to do. But it's extremely important to make other people, the rest of the population, believe that there is no such thing as class. We're all just equal, we're all Americans, we live in harmony, we all work together, everything is great.
** [[Noam Chomsky]], &quot;The Unmentionable [[Social class|Five-Letter Word]]&quot; in ''The Prosperous Few and the Restless Many'' (1993), in ''How the World Works'', p. 120.

*Sectors of the [[Status quo|doctrinal system]] serve to divert the unwashed masses and reinforce the basic social values: [[passivity]], [[Servitude|submissiveness]] to [[authority]], the overriding virtue of [[greed]] and [[materialism|personal gain]], lack of concern for others, [[fear]] of real or imagined enemies, etc. The goal is to keep the [[Confused|bewildered]] herd bewildered. It's unnecessary for them to trouble themselves with [[status quo|what's happening in the world]]. In fact, it's undesirable -- if they see too much of [[reality]] they may set themselves to [[change]] it. p. 69
**[[Noam Chomsky]], ''What Uncle Sam Really Wants,'' 1993

*A study of the inter-American system published by the [[w:Royal Institute of International Affairs in London|Royal Institute of International Affairs in London]] concluded that, while the US pays lip service to democracy, the real commitment is to &quot;private, capitalist enterprise.&quot; When the rights of investors are threatened, democracy has to go; if these rights are safeguarded, killers and torturers will do just fine. p. 19
**[[Noam Chomsky]], ''What Uncle Sam Really Wants,'' 1993

*The [[democratic]] postulate is that the media are independent and committed to discovering and reporting the [[truth]], and that they do not merely reflect the world as powerful groups wish it to be perceived. Leaders of the media claim that their new choices rest on unbiased professional and objective criteria, and they have support for this contention in the intellectual community. If, however, the [[Tyranny|powerful]] are able to fix the premises of discourse, to [[control|decide]] what the general populace is allowed to see, hear, and think about, and to “manage” public opinion by regular [[propaganda]] campaigns, the standard view of how [[Status quo|the system]] works is at serious odds with [[reality]]. 
**[[Noam Chomsky]], ''Manufacturing Consent: Noam Chomsky and the Media'', 1992


* I hear Republicans and [[Libertarianism|Libertarians]] and so forth talking about [[Right to property|property rights]], but they stop talking about property rights as soon as the subject of American Indians comes up, because they know fully well, perhaps not in a fully articulated, conscious form, but they know fully well that the basis for the very system of endeavor and enterprise and profitability to which they are committed and devoted accrues on the basis of theft of the resources of someone else. They are in possession of stolen property. They know it. They all know it. It's a dishonest endeavor from day one.
** [[Ward Churchill]], in ''Z Magazine'', vol. 8, p. 32.

* We recognize the equality of all men before the law, and hold that it is the duty of government in its dealings with the people to mete out equal and exact justice to all, of whatever nativity, race, color, or persuasion, religious or political.
** [[s:Civil Rights Act of 1875|''Civil Rights Act of 1875'']]

* America is the most inventive country in the world. Why? Because everybody has access to information. In the [[Soviet Union]] it was illegal to take a photograph of a train station. Look what happened to them. They tried to classify everything. The more information available to the average person, the greater the synergy that develops from it.
** [[Tom Clancy]], as quoted in ''Vonnegut and Clancy on Technology'', by David H. Freedman and Sarah Schafer.

[[File:SaddamSpiderHole.jpg|thumb|We've got a good military and we can take down governments. ~ [[Wesley Clark]]]]
* I've been through [[w:The Pentagon|the Pentagon]], right after 9/11. About 10 days after 9/11, I went through the Pentagon, and I saw [[Donald Rumsfeld|Secretary Rumsfeld]] and [[Paul Wolfowitz|Deputy Secretary Wolfowitz]]. I went downstairs just to say hello to some of the people on the [[w:United States Joint Chiefs of Staff|Joint Staff]] who used to work for me, and one of the generals called me in. He said, “Sir, you’ve got to come in and talk to me a second.” I said, “Well, you’re too busy.” He said, “No, no.” He says, “We’ve made the decision we’re going to war with Iraq.” This was on or about the 20th of September. I said, “We’re going to war with Iraq? Why?” He said, “I don’t know.” He said, “I guess they don’t know what else to do.” So I said, “Well, did they find some information connecting [[Saddam Hussein|Saddam]] to [[al-Qaeda]]?” He said, “No, no.” He says, “There’s nothing new that way. They just made the decision to go to war with Iraq.” He said, “I guess it’s like we don’t know what to do about terrorists, but we’ve got a good military, and we can take down governments.” And he said, “I guess if the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem has to look like a nail.” So I came back to see him a few weeks later, and by that time we were bombing in Afghanistan. I said, “Are we still going to war with Iraq?” And he said, “Oh, it’s worse than that.” He reached over on his desk. He picked up a piece of paper. And he said, “I just got this down from upstairs” — meaning the secretary of defense’s office — “today.” And he said, “This is a memo that describes how we’re going to take out seven countries in five years, starting with [[Iraq]], and then [[Syria]], [[Lebanon]], [[Libya]], [[Somalia]], [[Sudan]] and, finishing off, [[Iran]].” I said, “Is it classified?” He said, “Yes, sir.” I said, “Well, don’t show it to me.” and I saw him a year or so ago and I said: &quot;Remember that?&quot; he said: &quot;Sir, I didn't show you that memo! I didn't show it to ya!&quot;
** [[w:Wesley Clark|Wesley Clark]], ''Democracy Now — Gen. Wesley Clark Weighs Presidential Bid: “I Think About It Every Day”'', (2 March 2007)

* I have heard something said on this and a former occasion about allegiance to the [[Southern United States|south]]. I know no south, no north, no east, no west, to which I owe any allegiance. I owe allegiance to two [[sovereignty]], and only two. One is the sovereignty of this [[Union (United States)|Union]], and the other is the sovereignty of the state of [[Kentucky]]. My allegiance is to this Union and to my state, but if gentlemen suppose they can exact from me an acknowledgement of allegiance to any ideal or future contemplated confederacy of the south, I here declare that I owe no allegiance to it. Nor will I, for one, come under any such allegiance if I can avoid it.
** [[Henry Clay]], speech in the Senate (February 14, 1850), as quoted in ''The Life, Correspondence, and Speeches of Henry Clay (Vol. 3)''; ed. Calvin Colton: A. S. Barnes &amp; Co., 1857.

* If a man like [[Malcolm X]] could change and repudiate [[Bigotry|racism]], if I myself and other former [[Islam|Muslims]] can change, if young whites can change, then there is [[hope]] for [[w:United States|America]].
** [[Eldridge Cleaver]], as quoted in ''[[w:Soul on Ice|Soul on Ice]]'' (1968), Part II: &quot;The White Race and Its Heroes&quot;.

* Americans think of themselves collectively as a huge rescue squad on twenty-four-hour call to any spot on the globe where dispute and conflict may erupt.   
** [[Eldridge Cleaver]], as quoted in ''[[w:Soul on Ice|Soul on Ice]]'' (1968), Part II: &quot;Rallying Round the Flag&quot;.

* As to the American tradition of non-meddling, [[Anarchism]] asks that it be carried down to the individual himself. It demands no jealous barrier of isolation; it knows that such isolation is undesirable and impossible; but it teaches that by all men's strictly minding their own business, a fluid society, freely adapting itself to mutual needs, wherein all the world shall belong to all men, as much as each has need or desire, will result. And when Modern Revolution has thus been carried to the heart of the whole world — if it ever shall be, as I hope it will — then may we hope to see a resurrection of that proud spirit of our fathers which put the simple dignity of Man above the gauds of wealth and class, and held that to be an American was greater than to be a king. In that day there shall be neither kings nor Americans — only Men; over the whole earth, MEN.
** [[Voltairine de Cleyre]], [http://dwardmac.pitzer.edu/Anarchist_Archives/bright/cleyre/amertrad.html &quot;Anarchism &amp; American Traditions&quot;] (January 1909), ''Mother Earth''.

* We've gotten to where we've nearly 'them'ed ourselves to death. Them and them and them. But this is America. There is no them; there's only us. One nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty, and justice, for all.
** [[Bill Clinton]], &quot;[[s:A Place Called Hope|A Place Called Hope]]&quot; (July 16, 1992).

* Our democracy must be not only the envy of the world but the engine of our own renewal. There is nothing wrong with America that cannot be cured by what is right with America.
** [[Bill Clinton]], [[s:Bill Clinton's first inaugural address|first inaugural address]] (January 20, 1993), Washington, D.C.

* Despite what you hear, we don't need to make America great again. America has never stopped being great.
** [[Hillary Clinton]], [http://www.politico.com/blogs/2016-dem-primary-live-updates-and-results/2016/02/hillary-clinton-donald-trump-slogan-219908 speech] (February 2016)

* America isn’t afraid to compete.
** [[Hillary Clinton]], speech in {{w|Warren, Michigan}}. Transcript by ''{{w|Newsweek}}'' [http://www.newsweek.com/hillary-clinton-full-transcript-economic-speech-489602] (August 11, 2016).

* My estimate of American character has improved, contrary to my expectations, by this visit...I find myself in love with their intelligence, their sincerity, and the decorous self-respect that actuates all classes. The very genius of activity seems to have found its fit abode in the souls of this restless and energetic race. They have not, ‘tis true, the force of Englishmen in personal weight or strength, but they have compensated for this deficiency by quickening the momentum of their enterprises. All is in favour of celerity of action and the saving of time. Speed, speed, speed, is the motto that is stamped in the form of their ships and steamboats, in the breed of their horses, and the light construction of their wagons and carts: and in the ten thousand contrivances that are met with here, whether for the abridging of the labour of months or minutes, whether a high-pressure engine or a patent boot-jack. All is done in pursuit of one common object, the economy of time. 
** [[Richard Cobden]], letter to F. Cobden (5 July 1835) during his visit to the United States, quoted in John Morley, ''The Life of Richard Cobden'' (London: T. Fisher Unwin, 1905), pp. 39-40.

* If the [[w:United States|United States]] go wrong what hope have we of the civilized world in our turn?
** [[Richard Cobden]], letter to Joseph Sturge (September 29, 1852), as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=i5u1P0Fq4GYC&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;dq=0307594084&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0ahUKEwj17N6CovLcAhUPUt8KHTa1CrgQ6AEIKDAA#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false ''Gettysburg: The Last Invasion''] (2013), by [[Allen C. Guelzo]], p. xviii.

* America and the other liberal societies of the world are generally redeemable places, worthy of defense. They may be [[Decadence|decadent]], but they are not evil. And the defense of America and its allies requires tremendous power: military power, economic power, and political power. America has a moral responsibility to be powerful, and the preservation of American power requires competitive success in the modern economic and geopolitical world. This may be harsh and unpleasant; living well as a nation with such competitive pressures may partially diminish the very lives that the perpetuation of such power exists to protect. But this is [[Reality|reality.]]
** Eric Cohen, [http://www.weeklystandard.com/a-crisis-of-liberalism/article/2011885#.WqQP_v7X3Us.twitter &quot;A Crisis of Liberalism?&quot;] (March 9, 2018), ''The Weekly Standard''

*If the [[U.S. government]] had prosecuted [[W:George W. Bush|Bush administration]] officials for their [[war crimes]] during the “war on terror,” the [[ICC]] would not now take jurisdiction. But after [[Barack Obama]]  said, “Generally speaking, I’m more interested in looking forward than I am in looking backwards,” his administration refused to prosecute those implicated in the [[torture]] and willful killings of detainees during the Bush administration.
**[[Marjorie Cohn]], [https://truthout.org/articles/team-trump-tried-to-bully-the-icc-into-dropping-war-crimes-probe-but-failed/ Team Trump Tried to Bully the ICC Into Dropping War Crimes Probe But Failed, by Marjorie Cohn,  ''Truthout''] (10 March 2020)

*After the prosecutor of the [[International Criminal Court]] (ICC) found a reasonable basis to believe that U.S. military and CIA leaders committed [[war crimes]] and [[crimes against humanity]] in Afghanistan, Team Trump threatened to ban ICC judges and prosecutors from the U.S. and warned it would impose [[w:economic sanctions|economic sanctions]] on the Court if it launched an investigation... &lt;BR&gt;Once again, the Trump administration is threatening the International Criminal Court. Following the Appeals Chamber’s decision, [[Mike Pompeo|Secretary of State Mike Pompeo]] declared, “This is a truly breathtaking action by an unaccountable political institution, masquerading as a legal body.” He added, “The United States is not a party to the ICC, and we will take all necessary measures to protect our citizens from this renegade, so-called court.”  Pompeo is likely referring to the [[w:American Service-Members’ Protection Act|American Service-Members’ Protection Act]]... it says that if a U.S. or allied national is detained by the ICC, the U.S. military can use armed force to extricate the individual. Although this provision has not yet been utilized, the potential for its use is frightening.   
**[[Marjorie Cohn]], [https://truthout.org/articles/team-trump-tried-to-bully-the-icc-into-dropping-war-crimes-probe-but-failed/ Team Trump Tried to Bully the ICC Into Dropping War Crimes Probe But Failed, by Marjorie Cohn,  ''Truthout''] (10 March 2020)

*The impunity that U.S. officials have enjoyed for their [[International Criminal Court|international crimes]] may finally be coming to an end... Responding to [[Mike Pompeo|Pompeo]]’s [[threats]]... “No one except the world’s most brutal regimes win when the United States tries to impugn and sabotage international institutions established to hold human rights abusers accountable...  Countries must fully cooperate with this investigation and not submit to any authoritarian tactics by the Trump administration to sabotage it,” [[w: Jamil Dakwar|Jamil Dakwar]], director of the [[ACLU]]’s [[Human Rights]] Project, said.    
**[[Marjorie Cohn]], [https://truthout.org/articles/team-trump-tried-to-bully-the-icc-into-dropping-war-crimes-probe-but-failed/ Team Trump Tried to Bully the ICC Into Dropping War Crimes Probe But Failed, by Marjorie Cohn,  ''Truthout''] (10 March 2020)

*The Trump administration is seeking extradition of [[WikiLeaks]] founder [[Julian Assange]] to the United States for trial on charges carrying 175 years in prison... The treaty between the U.S. and the U.K. prohibits extradition for a “political offense.”  Assange was indicted for exposing U.S. [[war crimes]] in Iraq and Afghanistan. That is a classic political offense. Moreover, Assange’s extradition would violate the legal prohibition against sending a person to a country where he is in danger of being tortured.
**[[Marjorie Cohn]], [https://truthout.org/articles/extradition-of-assange-would-set-a-dangerous-precedent/ Extradition of Assange Would Set a Dangerous Precedent, Marjorie Cohn, ''Truthout''] (17 February 2020)

*[[WikiLeaks]]... published nearly 400,000 field reports about the [[Iraq War]], which contained evidence of U.S. [[war crimes]], over 15,000 previously unreported deaths of Iraqi civilians, and the systematic murder, torture, rape and abuse by the Iraqi army and authorities that were ignored by U.S. forces.&lt;BR&gt; In addition, WikiLeaks published the [[W:Guantánamo Files|Guantánamo Files]], 779 secret reports that revealed the U.S. government’s systematic violation of the [[W:Geneva Conventions|Geneva Conventions]] and the [[w:United Nations Convention against Torture|Convention Against Torture]] and Other Cruel, Inhuman or Degrading Treatment or Punishment, by abusing nearly 800 men and boys, ages 14 to 89.&lt;BR&gt;One of the most notorious releases by WikiLeaks was the 2007 “[[w:Collateral Murder|Collateral Murder]]” video, which showed a U.S. Army Apache helicopter target and [[murder|fire on]] unarmed civilians in Baghdad. More than 12 civilians were killed, including two Reuters reporters and a man who came to rescue the wounded. Two children were injured. Then a U.S. Army tank drove over one of the bodies, severing it in half. Those acts constitute three separate [[war crimes]] prohibited by the [[W:Geneva Conventions|Geneva Conventions]] and the [[W:U.S. Army Field Manual|U.S. Army Field Manual]].
**[[Marjorie Cohn]], [https://truthout.org/articles/extradition-of-assange-would-set-a-dangerous-precedent/ Extradition of Assange Would Set a Dangerous Precedent, Marjorie Cohn, ''Truthout''] (17 February 2020)
 
*At the March 15 debate with [[Joe Biden|Biden]], [[Bernie Sanders|Sanders]] asked the rhetorical question: Where is the power in America?...“Who owns the media? Who owns the economy? Who owns the legislative process? Why do we give tax breaks to billionaires and not raise the minimum wage? Why do we pump up the oil industry while a half a million people are homeless in America?”   Sanders criticized the bipartisan $8.3 billion coronavirus spending bill... the exemptions disproportionately hurt low-wage workers... contain no limits on the ability of the pharmaceutical companies to profit from the coronavirus...  &lt;BR&gt;the United States...  officials are being investigated by the [[International Criminal Court]] for committing [[war crimes]] and [[crimes against humanity]] during the [[War on Terror|“war on terror.”]] Biden, who was instrumental in securing congressional approval for Bush’s Iraq War, will be a good steward of the empire.
**[[Marjorie Cohn]], [https://truthout.org/articles/is-the-dnc-once-again-orchestrating-the-defeat-of-a-socialist-candidate/ Is the DNC Once Again Orchestrating the Defeat of a Socialist Candidate?, Marjorie Cohn, ''Truthout''] (16 March 2020)

* Washington made it clear that a person did not have to be of a certain religion or have a particular ethnic background to be an American patriot.
** Craig Considine, [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/craig-considine/the-difference-between-an_1_b_8257506.html ''Saluting Muslim American Patriots''].

* Both Presidents [[George W. Bush]] and [[Barack Obama]] sent [[w:National Guard|National Guard]] troops to the border when they were in the [[w:White House|White House]]. And throughout the history of the borderlands, the [[military]] or armed [[w:militias|militias]] have been dispatched there to keep [[w:Black people|black]] [[slaves]] from fleeing, remove [[Native Americans]] from [[w:Ancestral lands|ancestral lands]] and suppress [[Mexican]]-[[American]] revolts stemming from [[anger]] over white mob [[violence]].
* Congress created the [[w:U.S. Border Patrol|U.S. Border Patrol]] in 1924 and the agency slowly grew in size as its mission changed. At first, the agents sought to keep out [[Asian]] immigrants and later worked to stall [[alcohol]] trafficking in the [[w:Prohibition in the United States|Prohibition]] era. Slowly, it evolved into stalling unwanted [[migration]] from Mexico.
** Russell Contreras, ''Associated Press''; [https://www.pbs.org/newshour/nation/why-u-s-militarization-of-border-isnt-new “Why U.S. militarization of border isn’t new”], ''News Hour'', ''PBS'', (Apr 5, 2018).

* July 4, 1776 was the historic day on which the representatives of three millions of people vocalized [[w:Battles of Lexington and Concord|Concord and Lexington]], and [[w:Battle of Bunker Hill|Bunker Hill]], which gave notice to the world that they proposed to establish an independent nation on the theory that [[w:All men are created equal|all men are created equal]], that they are endowed by their creator with certain inalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. The wonder and glory of the American people is not the ringing Declaration of that day, but the action then already begun, and in the process of being carried out, in spite of every obstacle that war could interpose, making the theory of freedom and equality a [[reality]]. We revere that day because it marks the beginnings of independence, the beginnings of a constitution that was finally to give universal freedom and equality to all American citizens — the beginnings of a government that was to recognize beyond all others the power and worth and dignity of man.
** [[Calvin Coolidge]], ''[[s:Equal Rights|Equal Rights]]'' (1920).

* The doctrine of the [[United States Declaration of Independence|Declaration of Independence]] predicated upon the glory of man and the corresponding duty to society that the rights of citizens ought to be protected with every power and resource of the state, and a government that does any less is false to the teachings of that great document. False to the name 'American'. The assertion of human rights is not but a call of human sacrifice. This is yet the spirit of the American people. Only so long as this flame burns shall we endure, and the light of liberty be shed over the nations of the earth... When the people of the colonies were defending their liberties against the might of kings, they chose their banner from the design set in the firmament through all eternity. The flags of great [[Empire|empires]] of that day have gone, but the stars and stripes remain. It pictures a vision of a people whose eyes are turned to the rising dawn. It represents of the hope of a father for his posterity. It was never flaunted for the glory of [[Monarchy|royalty]], but to be born under it is to be the child of a king, and to establish a home under it is to be the founder of a royal house. Alone of all flags, it expresses the sovereignty of the people which endures when all else passes away. Speaking with their voice, it has the sanctity of revelations. He who lives under it and disloyal to it is a traitor to the human race everywhere. What could be saved if the flag of the American nation were to perish?
** [[Calvin Coolidge]], ''[[s:America and the War|America and the War]]'' (1920).

* The meaning of America is a power which cannot be overcome.
** [[Calvin Coolidge]], [[s:Law and Order|''Law and Order'']] (1920).

* To live under the [[w:United States|American]] [[United States Constitution|Constitution]] is the greatest political privilege that was ever accorded to the human race.
** [[Calvin Coolidge]], message to the National Security League in honor of Constitution Day, as quoted in ''The New York Times'' (September 17, 1923) &quot;Ceremonies Mark Constitution Day&quot;.

* Numbered among our population are some 12,000,000 colored people. Under our [[United States Constitution|Constitution]] their rights are just as sacred as those of any other citizen. It is both a public and a private duty to protect those rights.
** [[Calvin Coolidge]], [[s:Calvin Coolidge's First State of the Union Address|State of the Union Address]] (December 6, 1923).

* In the case of a people which represents many nations, cultures, and races, as does our own, a unification of interests and ideals in recreations is bound to wield a telling influence for solidarity of the entire population. No more truly democratic force can be set off against the tendency to class and caste than the democracy of individual parts and prowess in [[Sports|sport]].
** [[Calvin Coolidge]], [https://archive.org/stream/foundationsofrep00unit/foundationsofrep00unit_djvu.txt ''The Democracy of Sports''] (22 May 1924), National Conference on Outdoor Recreation, Washington, D.C. 

* American citizenship is a high estate. He who holds it is the peer of kings. It has been secured only by untold toil and effort. It will be maintained by no other method. It demands the best that men and women have to give, but it likewise awards to its partakers the best that there is on earth. To attempt to turn it into a thing of ease and inaction would be only to debase it. To cease to struggle and toil and sacrifice for it is not only to cease to be worthy of it but is to start a retreat toward barbarism. No matter what others may say, no matter what others may do, this is the stand that those must maintain who are worthy to be called Americans.
** [[Calvin Coolidge]], [https://archive.org/stream/foundationsofrep00unit/foundationsofrep00unit_djvu.txt ''Freedom and its Obligations''] (30 May 1924), Arlington County, Virginia.

* The accomplishments of the colored people in the United States, in the brief historic period since they were brought here from the restrictions of their native continent, can not but make us realize that there is something essential in our civilization which gives it a special power... The progress of the colored people on this continent is one of the marvels of modern history. We are perhaps even yet too near to this phenomenon to be able fully to appreciate its significance. That can be impressed on us only as we study and contrast the rapid advancement of the colored people in America with the slow and painful upward movement of humanity as a whole throughout the long human story... The Nation has need of all that can be contributed to it through the best efforts of all its citizens. The colored people have repeatedly proved their devotion to the high ideals of our country. They gave their services in the war with the same [[patriotism]] and readiness that other citizens did. The records of the selective draft show that somewhat more than 2,250,000 colored men were registered. The records further prove that, far from seeking to avoid participation in the national defense, they showed that they wished to enlist before the selective service act was put into operation, and they did not attempt to evade that act afterwards.
** [[Calvin Coolidge]], [https://archive.org/stream/foundationsofrep00unit/foundationsofrep00unit_djvu.txt commencement address at Howard University] (6 June 1924), Washington, D.C.

* The Negro community of America has already so far progressed that its members can be assured that their future is in their own hands. Racial hostility, ancient tradition, and social prejudice are not to be eliminated immediately or easily, but they will be lessened as the colored people by their own efforts and under their own leaders shall prove worthy of the fullest measure of opportunity... The [[Bigotry|propaganda of prejudice and hatred]] which sought to keep the colored men from supporting the national cause completely failed. The black man showed himself the same kind of citizen, moved by the same kind of [[patriotism]], as the white man. They were tempted, but not one betrayed [[w:United States|his country]]. Among well-nigh 400,000 colored men who were taken into the military service, about one-half had overseas experience. They came home with many decorations and their conduct repeatedly won high commendation from both American and European commanders... No part of the community responded more willingly, more generously, more unqualifiedly, to the demand for special extraordinary exertion, than did the members of the Negro race. Whether in the military service, or in the vast mobilization of industrial resources which the war required, the Negro did his part precisely as did the white man. He drew no color line when patriotism made its call upon him. He gave precisely as his white fellow citizens gave, to the limit of resources and abilities, to help the general cause. Thus the American Negro established his right to the gratitude and appreciation which the Nation has been glad to accord.
** [[Calvin Coolidge]], [https://archive.org/stream/foundationsofrep00unit/foundationsofrep00unit_djvu.txt commencement address at Howard University] (6 June 1924), Washington, D.C.

* During [[World War I|the war]] 500,000 colored men and boys were called up under the draft, not one of whom sought to evade it. They took their places wherever assigned in defense of [[w:United States|the nation of which they are just as truly citizens as are any others]]. The suggestion of denying any measure of their full political rights to such a great group of our population as the colored people is one which, however it might be received in some other quarters, could not possibly be permitted by one who feels a responsibility for living up to the traditions and maintaining the principles of the [[Republican Party (United States)|Republican Party]]. [[United States Constitution|Our Constitution]] guarantees equal rights to all our citizens, without discrimination on account of race or color. I have taken my oath to support that Constitution. It is the source of your rights and my rights. I propose to regard it, and administer it, as the source of the rights of all the people, whatever their belief or race.
** [[Calvin Coolidge]], [https://archive.org/stream/foundationsofrep00unit/foundationsofrep00unit_djvu.txt letter to Charles F. Gardner] (9 August 1924).

* I believe in the [[United States Constitution|American Constitution]]. I favor the American system of individual enterprise, and I am opposed to any general extension of government ownership, and control. I believe not only in advocating economy in public expenditure, but in its practical application and actual accomplishment. I believe in a reduction and reform of taxation, and shall continue my efforts in that direction.
** [[Calvin Coolidge]], formal acceptance speech of the Republican Party's nomination for President (14 August 1924), as quoted in ''Coolidge: An American Enigma'' (1998), by Robert Sobel, Regnery Publishing, p. 292.&lt;!--&lt;small&gt; {{ISBN|0895264102}}, 9780895264107&lt;/small&gt;--&gt;

* If the Constitution of the United States be tyranny; if the rule that no one shall be convicted of a crime save by a jury of his peers; that no orders of nobility shall be granted; that slavery shall not be permitted to exist in any state or territory; that no one shall be deprived of life, liberty or property without due process of law; if these and many other provisions made by the people be tyranny, then the Supreme Court when it makes decisions in accordance with these principles of our fundamental law is tyrannical. Otherwise it is exercising the power of government for the preservation of liberty. The fact is that the Constitution is the source of our freedom. Maintaining it, interpreting it, and declaring it, are the only methods by which the Constitution can be preserved and our liberties guaranteed... America is a large country. It is a tolerant country. It has room within its borders for many races and many creeds.
** [[Calvin Coolidge]], [https://archive.org/stream/foundationsofrep00unit/foundationsofrep00unit_djvu.txt ''Ordered Liberty and World Peace''] (6 September 1924), Baltimore, Maryland.

* Our American government was the result of an effort to establish institutions under which the people as a whole should have the largest possible advantages. Class and privilege were outlawed, freedom and opportunity were guaranteed. They undertook to provide conditions under which service would be adequately rewarded, and where the people would own their own property and control their own government. They had no other motive. They were actuated by no other purpose. If we are to maintain what they established, it is important to understand the foundation on which they built, and the claims by which they justified the sovereign rights and royal estate of every American citizen... Our inhabitants are especially free to promote their own welfare. They are unburdened by militarism. They are not called upon to support any imperialistic designs. Every mother can rest in the assurance that her children will find here a land of devotion, prosperity and peace. The tall shaft near which we are gathered and yonder stately memorial remind us that our standards of manhood are revealed in the adoration which we pay to Washington and [[Abraham Lincoln|Lincoln]]. They are unrivaled and unsurpassed. Above all else, they are Americans.
** [[Calvin Coolidge]], [https://archive.org/stream/foundationsofrep00unit/foundationsofrep00unit_djvu.txt ''Authority and Religious Liberty''] (21 September 1924), Holy Name Society, Washington, D.C.

* It is a truism, of course, but it is none the less a fact which we must never forget, that this continent and this American community have been blessed with an unparalleled capacity for assimilating peoples of varying races and nations. The continuing migration which in three centuries has established here this nation of more than a hundred million, has been the greatest that history records as taking place in any such brief period. Viewing it historically, we find that the migration to [[w:United States|America]] was little more than a westward projection of the series of great movements of peoples... It was the fate of [[Europe]] to be always a battleground. Differences in race, in religion, in political genius and social ideals, seemed always, in the atmosphere of our mother continent, to be invitations to contest by battle. From the dawn of history, and we can only conjecture how much longer, the conflicts of races and civilizations, of traditions and usages, have gone on. It is one of the anomalies of the human story that these peoples, who could not be assimilated and unified under the skies of Europe, should on coming to [[w:United States|America]] discover an amazing genius for cooperation, for fusion, and for harmonious effort. Yet they were the same people when they came here that they had been on the other side of the Atlantic. Quite apparently, they found something in our institutions, something in the American system of Government and society which they themselves helped to construct, that furnished to all of them a political and cultural common denominator. 
** [[Calvin Coolidge]], [https://archive.org/stream/foundationsofrep00unit/foundationsofrep00unit_djvu.txt ''The Genius of America''] (16 October 1924), Washington, D.C.

* Among these I should place, first, the broadly tolerant attitude that has been a characteristic of this country. I use the word in its most inclusive sense, to cover tolerance of religious opinion, tolerance in politics, tolerance in social relationships; in general, the liberal attitude of every citizen toward his fellows. It is this factor which has preserved to all of us that equality of opportunity which enables every American to become the architect of whatever fortune he deserves... As a nation, our first duty must be to those who are already our inhabitants, whether native or immigrants. To them we owe an especial and a weighty obligation. They came to us with stout hearts and high hopes of bettering their estate. They have contributed much to making our country what it is. They magnificently proved their loyalty by contributing their full part when the war made demand for sacrifices by all Americans... It must be the hope of every American citizen to maintain here as a permanent establishment, and as a perpetual inheritance for Americans of the future, the full measure of benefits and advantages which our people have been privileged to enjoy.
** [[Calvin Coolidge]], [https://archive.org/stream/foundationsofrep00unit/foundationsofrep00unit_djvu.txt ''The Genius of America''] (16 October 1924), Washington, D.C.

* There is abundant room here for the preservation and development of the many divergent virtues that are characteristic of the different races which have made America their home. They ought to cling to all these virtues and cultivate them tenaciously... I know that there is no better American spirit than that which is exhibited by many of those who have recently come to our shores... Let us keep our desire to help other lands as a great and broad principle, not to help in one place and do harm in another, but to render assistance everywhere. Let us remember also that the best method of promoting this action is by giving undivided allegiance to [[w:United States|America]], maintaining its institutions, supporting its Government, and, by leaving it internally harmonious, making it eternally powerful in promoting a reign of justice and mercy throughout the earth... The spirit of America is to help everybody and injure nobody. We can be in a position to help only by unifying the American nation, building it up, making it strong, keeping it independent, using its inclination to help and its disclination to injure. Those who cast in their lot with this country can be true to the land of their origin only by first being true to [[w:United States|America]].
** [[Calvin Coolidge]], [https://archive.org/stream/foundationsofrep00unit/foundationsofrep00unit_djvu.txt ''The Genius of America''] (16 October 1924), Washington, D.C.

* After all, the chief business of the American people is business. They are profoundly concerned with buying, selling, investing and prospering in the world... The chief ideal of the American people is idealism. I cannot repeat too often that America is a nation of idealists. That is the only motive to which they ever give any strong and lasting reaction. 
** [[Calvin Coolidge]], [https://archive.org/stream/foundationsofrep00unit/foundationsofrep00unit_djvu.txt speech to the] [[w:American Society of Newspaper Editors|American Society of Newspaper Editors]] (17 January 1925), Washington.

* Our people were influenced by many motives to undertake to carry on this gigantic conflict, but we went in and came out singularly free from those questionable causes and results which have often characterized other wars. We were not moved by the age-old antagonisms of racial jealousies and hatreds. We were not seeking to gratify the ambitions of any reigning dynasty. We were not inspired by trade and commercial rivalries. We harbored no imperialistic designs. We feared no other country. We coveted no territory... Though of many different nationalities, our people had a spiritual bond. They were all Americans... All the races, religions, and nationalities of the world were represented in the [[United States Armed Forces|armed forces of this nation]], as they were in the body of our population. No man's patriotism was impugned or service questioned because of his racial origin, his political opinion, or his religious convictions. Immigrants and sons of immigrants from the central European countries fought side by side with those who descended from the countries which were our allies, with the sons of equatorial Africa, and with the red men of our own aboriginal population, all of them equally proud of the name Americans.
** [[Calvin Coolidge]], [https://archive.org/stream/foundationsofrep00unit/foundationsofrep00unit_djvu.txt ''Toleration and Liberalism''] (6 October 1925), American Legion Convention, Omaha, Nebraska.

* If we are to have that [[harmony]] and [[tranquility]], that union of [[spirit]] which is the foundation of real national genius and national progress, we must all realize that there are true Americans who did not happen to be born in our section of the country, who do not attend our place of religious worship, who are not of our racial stock, or who are not proficient in our language. If we are to create on this continent a free Republic and an enlightened civilization that will be capable of reflecting the true greatness and glory of mankind, it will be necessary to regard these differences as accidental and unessential. We shall have to look beyond the outward manifestations of race and creed. Divine Providence has not bestowed upon any race a monopoly of patriotism and character. The same principle that it is necessary to apply to the attitude of mind among our own people it is also necessary to apply to the attitude of mind among the different nations.
** [[Calvin Coolidge]], [https://archive.org/stream/foundationsofrep00unit/foundationsofrep00unit_djvu.txt ''Toleration and Liberalism''] (6 October 1925), American Legion Convention, Omaha, Nebraska.

* The generally expressed desire of [[American exceptionalism|'America first']] can not be criticized. It is a perfectly correct aspiration for our people to cherish. But the problem which we have to solve is how to make America first. It can not be done by the cultivation of national [[bigotry]], arrogance, or selfishness. Hatreds, jealousies, and suspicions will not be productive of any benefits in this direction. Here again we must apply the rule of [[Tolerance|toleration]]. Because there are other peoples whose ways are not our ways, and whose thoughts are not our thoughts, we are not warranted in drawing the conclusion that they are adding nothing to the sum of civilization. We can make little contribution to the welfare of humanity on [[Bigotry|the theory that we are a superior people and all others are an inferior people]]... We can only make America first in the true sense which that means by cultivating a spirit of friendship and good will, by the exercise of the virtues of patience and forbearance, by being 'plenteous in mercy', and through progress at home and helpfulness abroad standing as an example of real [[service]] to humanity. 
** [[Calvin Coolidge]], [https://archive.org/stream/foundationsofrep00unit/foundationsofrep00unit_djvu.txt ''Toleration and Liberalism''] (6 October 1925), American Legion Convention, Omaha, Nebraska.

* America at least has demonstrated that republics are not ungrateful. It is one of the glories of our country that so long as we remain faithful to the cause of justice and truth and liberty, this action will continue. We have waged no wars to determine a succession, establish a dynasty, or glorify a reigning house. Our military operations have been for the service of the cause of humanity. The principles on which they have been fought have more and more come to be accepted as the ultimate standards of the world. They have been of an enduring substance, which is not weakened but only strengthened by the passage of time and the contemplation of reason.
** [[Calvin Coolidge]], [https://archive.org/stream/foundationsofrep00unit/foundationsofrep00unit_djvu.txt ''Ways to Peace''] (31 May 1926), Arlington.

* Our experience in that respect ought not to lead us too hastily to assume that we have been therefore better than other people, but certainly we have been more fortunate. We came on the stage at a later time, so that this country had presented to it, already attained, a civilization that other countries had secured only as a result of a long and painful struggle. Of the various races of which we are composed, substantially all have a history for making warfare which is oftentimes hard to justify, as they have come up through various degrees of development. They bore this burden in ages past in order that this country might be freed from it. Under the circumstances it behooves us to look on their record of advance through great difficulties with much compassion and be thankful that we have been spared from a like experience, and out of our compassion and our thankfulness constantly to remember that because of greater advantages and opportunities we are charged with superior duties and obligations. Perhaps no country on earth has greater responsibilities than [[w:United States|America]].
** [[Calvin Coolidge]], [https://archive.org/stream/foundationsofrep00unit/foundationsofrep00unit_djvu.txt ''Ways to Peace''] (31 May 1926), Arlington.

* We are situated differently in this respect from any other country. All the other great powers have a comparatively homogeneous population, close kindred in race and blood and speech, and commonly little divided in religious beliefs. Our great nation is made up of the strong and virile pioneering stock of nearly all the countries of the world. We have a variety of race and language and religious belief.
** [[Calvin Coolidge]], [https://archive.org/stream/foundationsofrep00unit/foundationsofrep00unit_djvu.txt ''Ways to Peace''] (31 May 1926), Arlington.

* Yet in time of stress and public agitation we have too great a tendency to disregard this policy and indulge in race hatred, religious intolerance, and disregard of equal rights. Such sentiments are bound to react upon those who harbor them. Instead of being a benefit they are a positive injury. We do not have to examine history very far before we see whole countries that have been blighted, whole civilizations that have been shattered by a spirit of intolerance. They are destructive of order and progress at home and a danger to peace and good will abroad. No better example exists of toleration than that which is exhibited by those who wore the blue toward those who wore the gray. Our condition today is not merely that of one people under one flag, but of a thoroughly united people who have seen bitterness and enmity which once threatened to sever them pass away, and a spirit of kindness and good will reign over them all.
** [[Calvin Coolidge]], [https://archive.org/stream/foundationsofrep00unit/foundationsofrep00unit_djvu.txt ''Ways to Peace''] (31 May 1926), Arlington.

* People have marveled at the growth and strength of America. They have wondered how a few weak and discordant colonies were able to win their independence from one of the greatest powers of the world. They have been amazed at our genius for self-government. They have been unable to comprehend how the shock of a great Civil War did not destroy our Union. They do not understand the economic progress of our people. It is true that we have had the advantage of great natural resources, but those have not been exclusively ours. Others have been equally fortunate in that direction. The progress of America has been due to the spirit of the people. It is in no small degree due to that spirit that we have been able to produce such great leaders.
** [[Calvin Coolidge]], [http://grandoldpartisan.typepad.com/blog/2015/08/mount-rushmore-speech.html address at the Black Hills] (10 August 1927).

*You in America are born and brought up in a country which is so [[materialistic]] in its outlook that [[complacency]] is the inevitable result. You are so educated at school and by the media that America becomes the limit of your seeing, your imagination, your sense of the world.... You have a powerful media service which day after day puts that which is happening in America at the forefront of your consciousness. At school in America you are brought up to salute the flag everyday. This does not happen everywhere. You would not get the national flag saluted by many school children. They would think you were daft. Yet you take it for granted. Also America is so rich compared with many countries that you easily feel in its materialistic atmosphere that you are all right and do not have to think about those abroad. As a young country, you also believe that people have to stand on their own feet and make of life what they can. There is much truth in this but carried to excess it leads to the complacency that threatens world peace. America brings together a bit of Europe, just lifted over the seas — British, French, Dutch, German, Scandinavian, Spanish — and others from other parts of the world, Africans brought in as slaves. You get a melange which is unique, but it is a part of a Plan. You are part of a Plan. You are all here for a purpose 
**[[Benjamin Creme]], [[The World Teacher for All Humanity|''The World Teacher for All Humanity'']],  2007

*You are here because there are three great experiments being carried out in the world — one here in America, one in Russia, and one in Britain. Here the experiment is to bring together these people, not from all over the world, but from Europe mainly. With a few exceptions they are brought into this big melting pot and allowed to melt together and to become whatever they become. You might have started off as half-Swedish and half-Scottish, and you end up after a few generations being partly Swedish, partly Scottish, partly Iranian or We always put it into these specified local, not global, interests.  There is no such thing as specifically American, Russian, or British interests. There are world interests, human interests, and unless these are solved, there will be no humans in the world. That is what we have to grasp.... That is the soul talking. That is how the soul sees the world. p. 64
**[[Benjamin Creme]], [[The World Teacher for All Humanity|''The World Teacher for All Humanity'']],  2007

* God's blessing has been on America from the very beginning of this nation, and I believe God isn't done with America yet. I believe in you. I believe in the power of millions... Reignite the promise of America... It is a time for truth. It is a time for liberty. It is a time to reclaim the Constitution of the United States.
** [[Ted Cruz]], presidential declaration speech, [http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/ted-cruz-declaration-speech-full-transcript-10128614.html Ted Cruz declaration speech: Full transcript], as quoted in ''Independent.co.uk'' (23 March 2015).

* Other countries may boast of this and that, but nobody can touch the United States for poisonous snakes. We have about twenty species, most of them deadly, and Europe has only five or six, none of them much good. We have fifteen kinds of Rattlesnakes alone and nobody else has even one. There is a species in Central and South America, but it probably came from the United States.
** [[w:Will Cuppy|Will Cuppy]], as quoted in ''[[w:How to Become Extinct|How to Become Extinct]]'' (1941).

* There was not in all the colonial legislation of America one single law which recognized the rightfulness of slavery in the abstract; that in 1774 Virginia stigmatized the slave-trade as 'wicked, cruel, and unnatural'; that in the same year Congress protested against it 'under the sacred ties of virtue, honor, and love of country'; that in 1775 the same Congress denied that God intended one man to own another as a slave; that the new Discipline of the Methodist Church, in 1784, and the Pastoral Letter of the Presbyterian Church, in 1788, denounced slavery; that abolition societies existed in slave States, and that it was hardly the interest even of the cotton-growing States, where it took a slave a day to clean a pound of cotton, to uphold the system... Jefferson, in his address to the Virginia Legislature of 1774, says that 'the abolition of domestic slavery is the greatest object of desire in these colonies, where it was unhappily introduced in their infant state'; and while he constantly remembers to remind us that the Jeffersonian prohibition of slavery in the territories was lost in 1784, he forgets to add that it was lost, not by a majority of votes — for there were sixteen in its favor to seven against it — but because the sixteen votes did not represent two thirds of the States; and he also incessantly forgets to tell us that this Jeffersonian prohibition was restored by the Congress of 1785, and erected into the famous [[w:Northwest Ordinance|Northwest Ordinance]] of 1787, which was re-enacted by the first Congress of the United States and approved by the first President.
** [[George William Curtis]], [https://archive.org/details/orationsandaddr03curtgoog &quot;The Present Aspect of the Slavery Question&quot;] (18 October 1859), New York City.

* Let it never be forgotten that the cause of [[w:United States|the United States]] is the cause of human nature, not of white men nor black men nor red men nor brown men, but of man, of mankind... The Constitution of the [[w:United States|United States]], in its essential spirit and intention, recognizes the essential manhood of [[w:Dred Scott|Dred Scott]] as absolutely as it does that of the President, of the Chief Justice, or of any Senator of the [[w:United States|United States]].
** [[George William Curtis]], [https://archive.org/details/orationsandaddr03curtgoog &quot;The Present Aspect of the Slavery Question&quot;] (18 October 1859), New York City.

* There is no gentleman in America, but he who feels that every man is his equal in natural right, and who does not know that he is cheated if every man does not have fair play... [[Abraham Lincoln|The truest American president we have ever had]], the companion of Washington in our love and honor, recognized that the poorest man, however outraged, however ignorant, however despised, however black, was, as a man, his equal. The child of the American people was their most prophetic man, because, whether as small shop-keeper, as flat-boatman, as volunteer captain, as honest lawyer, as defender of the Declaration, as President of the United States, he knew by the profoundest instinct and the widest experience and reflection, that in the most vital faith of this country it is just as honorable for an honest man to curry a horse and black a boot as it is to raise cotton or corn, to sell molasses or cloth, to practice medicine or law, to gamble in stocks or speculate in petroleum. He knew the European doctrine that the king makes the gentleman; but he believed with his whole soul the doctrine, the American doctrine, that worth makes the man.
** [[George William Curtis]], [https://archive.org/details/orationsandaddr03curtgoog &quot;The Good Fight&quot;] (1865).

* We have shown, first, that a popular government, under which the poorest and the most ignorant of every race but one are equal voters with the richest and most intelligent, is the most powerful and flexible in history. It is proved to be neither violent nor cruel nor impatient, but fixed in purpose, faithful to its own officers, tolerant of vast expense, of enormous losses, of torturing delays, and strongest at the very points where fatal weakness was most suspected... I am no more a child, but a man; no longer a confederacy, but a nation. I am no more [[Virginia]], [[New York]], Carolina, or Massachusetts, but the United States of America.
** [[George William Curtis]], [https://archive.org/details/orationsandaddr03curtgoog &quot;The Good Fight&quot;] (1865).

* The spirit of caste, if naturally more malignant in a region where personal slavery has been abolished against the will of the dominant class, is not confined to it. We are apt to draw the line geographically, but it will not run so. They may be sad goats on the other side of the line, but we sheep may find an occasional speck in our virtuous wool. 'Caste must be maintained', say the governors and legislatures of Mississippi and Louisiana and Alabama and North and South Carolina and Georgia.' 'Amen', says Connecticut, 'that is a political wooden nutmeg for this market'. 'Amen', says New York, which prefers to pour political power into a foreign white whiskey-skin rather than into a native sound and serviceable vessel of a darker hue. 'Amen', says Indiana, which asks her colored children to fight and die for her upon the battle-field, and refuses by her laws to permit the survivors to return to their homes. 'Amen', say Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Illinois, Michigan, Iowa, California, Minnesota, Oregon, Kansas, Ohio, Wisconsin, Missouri, and West Virginia, which forbid an entire class of their citizens to vote upon equal qualifications with others. And why? Because the party of hostility to human rights, which is 'conservative' in this growing, aspiring, expanding country, exactly as sheet-iron swaddling-clothes are conservative of a new-born babe, pursued by the pitiless logic of the sublime American principle and driven from one absurdity to another, now claims that ours is 'a white man's government'. Oh, no! Gentlemen, you may wish to make it so, but it was not made so. The false history of Judge Taney was promptly corrected from Judge Taney's bench by Justice Curtis.
** [[George William Curtis]], [https://archive.org/details/orationsandaddr03curtgoog &quot;The Good Fight&quot;] (1865).

* The United States was made by men of all races and colors, not for white men, but for the refuge and defense of ''[[man]]''. If it does not rest upon the natural rights of man, it rests nowhere. If it does not exist by the consent of governed then any exclusion is possible, and it is a shorter step from an exclusive white man's government to an exclusively ''[[rich]]'' white man's government, than it is from a system for mankind to one for white men. The spirit which excludes some men today because they are of a certain color, may exclude others tomorrow because they are of a certain poverty or a certain church or a certain birthplace. There is no safety, no guarantee, no security in a prejudice. If we build strong and long, we must build upon moral principle. 
** [[George William Curtis]], [https://archive.org/details/orationsandaddr03curtgoog &quot;The Good Fight&quot;] (1865).

* Inferior race? Was it they who carved the skulls of our boys into drinking, cups and their bones into trinkets? Was it they who starved and froze our brothers into idiocy and madness at Andersonville and Belle-Isle? Was it they who hunted our darlings with bloodhounds, or hung faithful Union men before the very eyes of their wives and children? Come! Come! Brothers of my race, whether at the north or south, these things which we all execrate and abhor were the work of men of our own color. Let us clasp hands in speechless shame, and confess that manhood in America is to be measured not by the color of the skin, but by the quality of the soul... Never fear, true hearts! A people which has shown the quality of its genius as this nation has in the last four years will finish its work. It will go forward and not backward. For our America shall be the Sinai of the nations, and from the terrible thunders and lightnings of its great struggle shall proceed the divine law of liberty that shall subdue and harmonize the world.
** [[George William Curtis]], [https://archive.org/details/orationsandaddr03curtgoog &quot;The Good Fight&quot;] (1865).

* As to the doctrine of [[slavery]] and the right of [[Christianity|Christians]] to hold [[Africa]]ns [[Slavery|in perpetual servitude]], and sell and treat them as we do our horses and cattle, that, it is true, has been heretofore countenanced by the Province Laws formerly, but nowhere is it expressly enacted or established. It has been a usage, a usage which took its origin from the practice of some of the [[Europe]]an nations, and the regulations of [[Great Britain|British]] government respecting the then-colonies, for the benefit of trade and wealth. But whatever sentiments have formerly prevailed in this particular or slid in upon us by the example of others, a different idea has taken place with the people of [[w:United States|America]], more favorable to the natural rights of mankind, and to that natural, innate desire of [[liberty]], with which Heaven, without regard to color, complexion, or shape of noses-features, has inspired all the human race. And upon this ground our constitution of government, by which the people of [[w:Massachusetts|this Commonwealth]] have solemnly bound themselves, sets out with declaring that all men are born free and equal, and that every subject is entitled to liberty, and to have it guarded by the laws, as well as life and property, and in short is totally repugnant to the idea of being born slaves. This being the case, I think the idea of [[slavery]] is inconsistent with our own conduct and constitution; and there can be no such thing as perpetual servitude of a rational creature, unless his liberty is forfeited by some criminal conduct or given up by personal consent or contract.
** [[w:William Cushing|William Cushing]], as quoted in [https://web.archive.org/web/20040128112051/http://www.slavenorth.com/massemancip.htm ''Commonwealth of Massachusetts v. Jennison''] (1783).

==D==
[[File:David Dellinger mug shot.jpg|thumb|right|The prejudices of patriotism, the pressures of our friends and fear of unpopularity and death should not hold us back any longer. It should be total war against the economic and political and social system which is dominant in this country. The American system has been destroying human life in peace and in war, at home and abroad for decades. Now it has produced the growing infamy of atom bombing. Besides these brutal facts, the tidbits of democracy mean nothing. Henceforth, no decent citizen owes one scrap of allegiance (if he ever did) to American law, American custom or American institutions. ~ [[David Dellinger]]]]
[[File:U.S. Women's Soccer team in Vancouver with Consul General Anne Callaghan.jpg|thumb|That American spirit; it's that non-wilting behavior. ~ [[w:Michael Davies (television producer)|Michael Davies]]]]
[[File:United_States_Constitution.jpg|thumb|We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. ~ [[The Declaration of Independence]].]]
[[File:Arms_of_the_United_States_of_America_(1864),_by_Joseph_E._Baker.png|thumb|Equality is one of the main principles of the American. ~ Jimmy Dick]]

[[File:USA-Arlington National Cemetery0.jpg|thumb|If the American name is no longer a by-word and a hissing to a mocking earth, if the star-spangled banner floats only over free American citizens in every quarter of the land, and our country has before it a long and glorious career of justice, liberty, and civilization, we are indebted to the unselfish devotion of the noble army who rest in these honored graves all around us. ~ [[Frederick Douglass]]]]
* America's fundamental optimism is what will see it through, while [[Europe]] tears itself apart in moral confusion and historical guilt. The US is a country that (still) knows what it stands for and why it exists, and it will continue to offer that self-belief to the waves of immigrants who arrive, wanting to be free.
** [[w:Janet Daley|Janet Daley]], [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/september-11-attacks/8754523/911-The-dark-day-that-brought-out-the-worst-in-Britain.html &quot;9/11: The dark day that brought out the worst in Britain&quot;] (10 September 2011), ''The Telegraph''

* America is the land of freedom, the land of the life. This is why I came here. Really, I am very thankful. America is the greatest nation, the greatest people in the world.
** Hameed Khalid Darweesh, as quoted in [http://www.nydailynews.com/new-york/queens/iraqi-man-free-detainment-jfk-airport-article-1.2958091 &quot;Iraqi man, a former U.S. Army translator, shrugs off 18-hour detainment at JFK Airport after release&quot;] (29 January 2017), ''New York Daily News''

* A global superpower which still plays and feels and behaves like an underdog.
** [[w:Michael Davies (television producer)|Michael Davies]], [http://meninblazers.com/page/podcasts &quot;Men in Blazers: Seth Bladder Special With Bob Ley&quot;] (28 May 2015), ''Men in Blazers''

* That American spirit; it's that non-wilting behavior.
** [[w:Michael Davies (television producer)|Michael Davies]], [http://meninblazers.com/page/podcasts &quot;Men in Blazers: With Matt Lucas&quot;] (9 June 2015), ''Men in Blazers''

* America's nice; it's a lovely place to live. It's a great standard of living. You can get paid pretty well to go and be here.
** [[w:Michael Davies (television producer)|Michael Davies]], [https://meninblazers.com/page/podcasts &quot;USMNT Emergency Pod&quot;] (11 October 2017), ''Men in Blazers''

* We've reached a truly remarkable situation: a grotesque mismatch between the American intelligentsia and the American electorate. A philosophical opinion about the nature of the universe which is held by the vast majority of top American scientists, and probably the majority of the intelligentsia generally, is so abhorrent to the American electorate that no candidate for popular election dare affirm it in public. If I'm right, this means that high office in the greatest country in the world is barred to the very people best qualified to hold it—the intelligentsia—unless they are prepared to lie about their beliefs. To put it bluntly American political opportunities are heavily loaded against those who are simultaneously intelligent and honest.
** [[Richard Dawkins]], [http://www.ted.com/talks/richard_dawkins_on_militant_atheism?language=en On Militant Atheism] (February 2002)

* I have great sympathy with America. It's very, it's very tough to be the only remaining superpower in the world. 
** [[F.W. de Klerk]], [https://web.archive.org/web/20110622073025/http://www.cfr.org/southern-africa/hbo-history-makers-series-frederik-willem-de-klerk/p7114?breadcrumb=%2Fregion%2F151%2Fsouthern_africa Interview with Richard Stengel] (8 June 2004)

* Our country, in her intercourse with foreign nations may she always be in the right, and always successful, right or wrong.
** [[w:Steven Decatur|Steven Decatur]], at a social gathering in (April 1816), as quoted in ''Stephen Decatur American Naval Hero, 1779–1820'' (2005), by Robert J. Allison, University of Massachusetts Press, pp. 183–184

* The metaphor of the melting pot is unfortunate and misleading. A more accurate analogy would be a salad bowl, for, though the salad is an entity, the lettuce can still be distinguished from the chicory, the tomatoes from the cabbage.
** [[w:Carl Neumann Degler|Carl Degler]], ''Out of Our Past: The Forces That Shaped Modern America'' (1970), rev. ed., chapter 10, section 4, p. 296.

*The way of life that destroyed [[Atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki|Hiroshima and Nagasaki]] and is reported to have roasted alive a million people in Tokyo overnight is international and dominates every nation of the world, but we live in the United States, so our struggle is here. With this way of life, death would be more appropriate. There could be no truce or quarter. The prejudices of patriotism, the pressures of our friends and fear of unpopularity and death should not hold us back any longer. It should be total war against the economic and political and social system which is dominant in this country. The American system has been destroying human life in peace and in war, at home and abroad for decades. Now it has produced the growing infamy of atom bombing. Besides these brutal facts, the tidbits of democracy mean nothing. Henceforth, no decent citizen owes one scrap of allegiance (if he ever did) to American law, American custom or American institutions.
** [[David Dellinger]], &quot;Declaration of War&quot;, ''Revolutionary Nonviolence'' (1970).

* The United States brags about its political system.
** [[Deng Xiaoping|Xiaoping Deng]], as quoted in ''The Pacific Rim and the Western World: Strategic, Economic, and Cultural Perspectives'' (1987), p. 105

* If you hurt my friends, then you hurt my pride. I've got to be a man; I can't let it slide. I am a real American; fight for the rights of every man. I am a real American; fight for what's right. Fight for your life!
** [[w:Rick Derringer|Rick Derringer]], [http://listenonrepeat.com/watch/?v=YMr6JV8FV74#Hulk_Hogan_Theme &quot;Real American&quot;] (1985), ''The Wrestling Album'' (November 1985), World Wrestling Federation

* The declaration was a nice document. Notice the part about all men being equal? Ending slavery was part of fulfilling that document. Therefore the south was blocking the fulfillment of the promises made in the declaration. It is ironic that secessionists want to claim the declaration, yet reject the issue of equality it contains. As we have been finding out, equality is one of the main principles of the [[American Revolution]]. We are still striving to fully realize that promise. The people that advocate secession whether it was in 1860 or today only claim the declaration in an attempt to deny the principles of the American Revolution. It is a big paradox and one the big reasons why secession today will not occur again.
** [[w:Jimmy Dick|Jimmy Dick]], [https://cwcrossroads.wordpress.com/chat-room/ Chat-Room] (15 February 2014), ''Crossroads''

* Every man must be for [[w:United States|the United States]] or against it. There can be no neutrals.
** [[Stephen A. Douglas]], last public speech before his death (1 May 1861), Chicago, Illinois

* As to nation, I belong to none. I have no protection at home, or resting-place abroad. The land of my birth welcomes me to her shores only as a slave, and spurns with contempt the idea of treating me differently. So that I am an outcast from the society of my childhood, and an outlaw in the land of my birth... In thinking of [[w:United States|America]], I sometimes find myself admiring her bright blue [[sky]] — her grand old woods — her fertile fields — her beautiful rivers — her mighty lakes, and star-crowned mountains. But my rapture is soon checked, my [[joy]] is soon turned to mourning. When I remember that all is cursed with the infernal spirit of slaveholding, robbery and [[wrong]], — when I remember that with the waters of her noblest rivers, the tears of my brethren are borne to the ocean, disregarded and forgotten, and that her most fertile fields drink daily of the warm blood of my outraged sisters, I am filled with unutterable loathing.
** [[Frederick Douglass]], [http://www.yale.edu/glc/archive/1091.htm letter to William Lloyd Garrison] (1 January 1846)

* I make no [[pretension]] to [[patriotism]]. So long as my [[voice]] can be heard on this or the other side of the Atlantic, I will hold up [[w:United States|America]] to the [[lightning]] scorn of [[moral]] indignation. In doing this, I shall feel myself discharging the duty of a true patriot; for he is a [[lover]] of his [[country]] who rebukes and does not excuse its [[sins]]. It is [[righteousness]] that exalteth a [[nation]] while sin is a reproach to any [[people]].
** [[Frederick Douglass]], [http://www.teachingamericanhistory.org/library/index.asp?document=535 &quot;Love of God, Love of Man, Love of Country&quot;] (24 September 1847), Syracuse, New York.

* The 4th of July is the first great fact in your nation's [[history]] — the very ring-bolt in the chain of your yet undeveloped [[destiny]]. [[Pride]] and [[patriotism]], not less than [[gratitude]], prompt you to celebrate and to hold it in perpetual [[remembrance]]. I have said that the [[United States Declaration of Independence|Declaration of Independence]] is the ring-bolt to the chain of your nation's destiny; so, indeed, I regard it. The [[principles]] contained in that instrument are saving principles. Stand by those principles, be true to them on all occasions, in all places, against all foes, and at whatever cost.
** [[Frederick Douglass]], [[s:What to the Slave is the Fourth of July?|''What to the Slave is the Fourth of July?'']] (1852).

* The way to abolish slavery in America is to vote such men into power as well use their powers for the abolition of slavery... The Constitution itself. Its language is 'we the people'. Not we the white people, not even we the citizens, not we the privileged class, not we the high, not we the low, but we the people. Not we the horses, sheep, and swine, and wheel-barrows, but we the people, we the human inhabitants. If Negroes are people, they are included in the benefits for which the Constitution of America was ordained and established. But how dare any man who pretends to be a friend to the Negro thus gratuitously concede away what the Negro has a right to claim under the Constitution?
** [[Frederick Douglass]], [http://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/document/the-constitution-of-the-united-states-is-it-pro-slavery-or-anti-slavery/ &quot;The Constitution of the United States: Is It Pro-Slavery or Anti-Slavery?&quot;] (26 March 1860), Glasgow, United Kingdom.

* My argument against the dissolution of [[w:United States|the American Union]] is this. It would place the slave system more exclusively under the control of the slave-holding states, and withdraw it from the power in the northern states which is opposed to slavery. [[Slavery]] is essentially barbarous in its character. It, above all things else, dreads the presence of an advanced civilization. It flourishes best where it meets no reproving frowns, and hears no condemning voices. While in [[w:United States|the Union]] it will meet with both. Its hope of life, in the last resort, is to get out of the Union. I am, therefore, for drawing the bond of the Union more completely under the power of the free states. What they most dread, that I most desire.
** [[Frederick Douglass]], [http://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/document/the-constitution-of-the-united-states-is-it-pro-slavery-or-anti-slavery/ ''The Constitution of the United States: Is It Pro-Slavery or Anti-Slavery?''] (26 March 1860), Glasgow, United Kingdom.

* The [[destiny]] of the [[w:African American|colored American]] ... is the destiny of [[w:United States|America]].
** [[Frederick Douglass]], speech at the Emancipation League (12 February 1862), Boston.

* We deem it a settled point that the [[destiny]] of the colored man is bound up with that of the white people of [[w:United States|this country]]. … ''We are here'', and here we are likely to be. To [[imagine]] that we shall ever be eradicated is [[absurd]] and ridiculous. We can be remodified, changed, assimilated, but never extinguished. We repeat, therefore, that we are ''here''; and that this is ''our'' country; and the question for the philosophers and statesmen of the land ought to be, What principles should dictate the policy of the action toward us? We shall neither die out, nor be driven out; but shall go with this people, either as a testimony against them, or as an evidence in their favor throughout their generations.
** [[Frederick Douglass]], essay in ''North Star'' (November 1858); as quoted in ''Faces at the Bottom of the Well: The Permanence of Racism'' (1992) by Derrick Bell, p. 40.

* Ours is a peculiar government, based upon a peculiar idea, and that idea is universal suffrage.
** [[Frederick Douglass]], [http://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/document/what-the-black-man-wants/ &quot;What the Black Man Wants&quot;], speech in Boston, Massachusetts (1865).

* It is thought by many, and said by some, that [[w:United States|this republic]] has already seen its best days; that the historian may now write the story of its decline and fall. Two classes of men are just now especially afflicted with such forebodings. The first are those who are croakers by nature. The men who have a taste for funerals, and especially national funerals. They never see the bright side of anything, and probably never will. Like the raven in the lines of Edgar A. Poe, they have learned two words, and those are, 'never more'. They usually begin by telling us what we never shall see.
** [[Frederick Douglass]], [http://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/document/our-composite-nationality/ ''Our Composite Nationality''] (7 December 1869), Boston, Massachusetts.

* I am especially to speak to you of the character and mission of the United States, with special reference to the question whether we are the better or the worse for being composed of different races of men. I propose to consider first, what we are, second, what we are likely to be, and, thirdly, what we ought to be. Without undue vanity or unjust depreciation of others, we may claim to be, in many respects, the most fortunate of nations. We stand in relations to all others, as youth to age. Other nations have had their day of greatness and glory; we are yet to have our day, and that day is coming. The dawn is already upon us. It is bright and full of promise. Other nations have reached their culminating point. We are at the beginning of our ascent. They have apparently exhausted the conditions essential to their further growth and extension, while we are abundant in all the material essential to further national growth and greatness. The resources of European statesmanship are now sorely taxed to maintain their nationalities at their ancient height of greatness and power. American statesmanship, worthy of the name, is now taxing its energies to frame measures to meet the demands of constantly increasing expansion of power, responsibility and duty. Without fault or merit on either side, theirs or ours, the balance is largely in our favor. Like the grand old forests, renewed and enriched from decaying trunks once full of life and beauty, but now moss-covered, oozy and crumbling, we are destined to grow and flourish while they decline and fade. 
** [[Frederick Douglass]], [http://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/document/our-composite-nationality/ ''Our Composite Nationality''] (7 December 1869), Boston, Massachusetts.

* We have for a long time hesitated to adopt and carry out the only principle which can solve that difficulty and give peace, strength and security to [[w:United States|the republic]], and that is the principle of absolute equality. We are a country of all extremes, ends and opposites. The most conspicuous example of composite nationality in the world. Our people defy all the ethnological and logical classifications. In races we range all the way from black to white, with intermediate shades which, as in the apocalyptic vision, no man can name or number... America is no longer an obscure and inaccessible country. Our ships are in every sea, our commerce is in every port, our language is heard all around the globe, steam and lightning have revolutionized the whole domain of human thought, changed all geographical relations, make a day of the present seem equal to a thousand years of the past, and the continent that Columbus only conjectured four centuries ago is now the center of the world.
** [[Frederick Douglass]], [http://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/document/our-composite-nationality/ ''Our Composite Nationality''] (7 December 1869), Boston, Massachusetts.

* A liberal and brotherly welcome to all who are likely to come to [[w:United States|the United States]] is the only wise policy which [[w:United States|this nation]] can adopt. It has been thoughtfully observed that every nation, owing to its peculiar character and composition, has a definite mission in the world. What that mission is, and what policy is best adapted to assist in its fulfillment, is the business of its people and its statesmen to know, and knowing, to make a noble use of this knowledge. I need not stop here to name or describe the missions of other or more ancient nationalities. Our seems plain and unmistakable. Our geographical position, our relation to the outside world, our fundamental principles of government, world-embracing in their scope and character, our vast resources, requiring all manner of labor to develop them, and our already existing composite population, all conspire to one grand end, and that is, to make us the perfect national illustration of the unity and dignity of the human family that the world has ever seen.
** [[Frederick Douglass]], [http://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/document/our-composite-nationality/ ''Our Composite Nationality''] (7 December 1869), Boston, Massachusetts.

* In whatever else other nations may have been great and grand, our greatness and grandeur will be found in the faithful application of the principle of perfect civil equality to the people of all races and of all creeds. We are not only bound to this position by our organic structure and by our revolutionary antecedents, but by the genius of our people. Gathered here from all quarters of the globe, by a common aspiration for national liberty as against caste, divine right govern and privileged classes, it would be unwise to be found fighting against ourselves and among ourselves, it would be unadvised to attempt to set up any one race above another, or one religion above another, or prescribe any on account of race, color or creed.
** [[Frederick Douglass]], [http://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/document/our-composite-nationality/ ''Our Composite Nationality''] (7 December 1869), Boston, Massachusetts.

* All great qualities are never found in any one man or in any one race. The whole of humanity, like the whole of everything else, is ever greater than a part. Men only know themselves by knowing others, and contact is essential to this knowledge. In one race we perceive the predominance of imagination; in another, like the [[China|Chinese]], we remark its almost total absence. In one people we have the reasoning faculty; in another the genius for music; in another exists courage, in another great physical vigor, and so on through the whole list of human qualities. All are needed to temper, modify, round and complete the whole man and the whole nation. Not the least among the arguments whose consideration should dispose us to welcome among us the peoples of all countries, nationalities and colors, is the fact that all races and varieties of men are improvable. This is the grand distinguishing attribute of humanity, and separates man from all other animals. If it could be shown that any particular race of men are literally incapable of improvement, we might hesitate to welcome them here. But no such men are any where to be found, and if they were, it is not likely that they would ever trouble us with their presence. The fact that the Chinese and other nations desire to come and do come is a proof of their capacity for improvement and of their fitness to come.
** [[Frederick Douglass]], [http://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/document/our-composite-nationality/ ''Our Composite Nationality''] (7 December 1869), Boston, Massachusetts.

* When the architect intends a grand structure, he makes the foundation broad and strong. We should imitate this prudence in laying the foundations of the future republic. There is a law of harmony in all departments of nature. The oak is in the acorn. The career and destiny of individual men are enfolded in the elements of which they are composed. The same is true of a nation. It will be something or it will be nothing. It will be great, or it will be small, according to its own essential qualities. As these are rich and varied, or pure and simple, slender and feeble, broad and strong, so will be the life and destiny of the nation itself. The stream cannot rise higher than its source. The ship cannot sail faster than the wind. The flight of the arrow depends upon the strength and elasticity of the bow, and as with these, so with a nation.
** [[Frederick Douglass]], [http://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/document/our-composite-nationality/ ''Our Composite Nationality''] (7 December 1869), Boston, Massachusetts.

* Reach a degree of civilization higher and grander than any yet attained; we should welcome to our ample continent all the nations, kindreds, tongues and peoples, and as fast as they learn our language and comprehend the duties of citizenship, we should incorporate them into the American body politic. The outspread wings of the American eagle are broad enough to shelter all who are likely to come. As a matter of selfish policy, leaving right and humanity out of the question, we cannot wisely pursue any other course. Other governments mainly depend for security upon the sword; ours depends mainly upon the friendship of the people. In all matters, in time of peace, in time of war, and at all times, it makes its appeal to the people, and to all classes of the people. Its strength lies in their friendship and cheerful support in every time of need, and that policy is a mad one which would reduce the number of its friends by excluding those who would come, or by alienating those who are already here.
** [[Frederick Douglass]], [http://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/document/our-composite-nationality/ ''Our Composite Nationality''] (7 December 1869), Boston, Massachusetts.

* [[w:United States|Our republic]] is itself a strong argument in favor of composite nationality. It is no disparagement to the Americans of English descent to affirm that much of the wealth, leisure, culture, refinement and civilization of the country are due to the arm of the negro and the muscle of the Irishman. Without these, and the wealth created by their sturdy toil, English civilization had still lingered this side of the Alleghanies, and the wolf still be howling on their summits. To no class of our population are we more indebted for valuable qualities of head, heart, and hand, than to the German. Say what we will of their lager, their smoke, and their metaphysics, they have brought to us a fresh, vigorous and child-like nature; a boundless facility in the acquisition of knowledge; a subtle and far-reaching intellect, and a fearless love of truth. Though remarkable for patient and laborious thought, the true German is a joyous child of freedom, fond of manly sports, a lover of music, and a happy man generally. Though he never forgets that he is a German, he never fails to remember that he is an American.
** [[Frederick Douglass]], [http://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/document/our-composite-nationality/ ''Our Composite Nationality''] (7 December 1869), Boston, Massachusetts.

* [[w:United States|We]] shall spread the network of our science and our civilization over all who seek their shelter, whether from Asia, Africa, or the isles of the sea. We shall mold them all, each after his kind, into Americans. Indian and Celt, Negro and Saxon, Latin and Teuton, Mongolian and Caucasian, Jew and gentile, all shall here bow to the same law, speak the same language, support the same government, enjoy the same liberty, vibrate with the same national enthusiasm, and seek the same national ends.
** [[Frederick Douglass]], [http://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/document/our-composite-nationality/ ''Our Composite Nationality''] (7 December 1869), Boston, Massachusetts.

* We are not here to applaud manly courage, save as it has been displayed in a noble cause. We must never forget that victory to the rebellion meant death to the republic. We must never forget that the loyal soldiers who rest beneath this sod flung themselves between the nation and [[w:Confederate States of America|the nation destroyers]]. If today we have a country not boiling in an agony of blood, like [[France]], if now we have a united country, no longer cursed by [[Slavery|the hell-black system of human bondage]], if the American name is no longer a by-word and a hissing to a mocking earth, if the star-spangled banner floats only over free American citizens in every quarter of the land, and our country has before it a long and glorious career of justice, liberty, and civilization, we are indebted to the unselfish devotion of the noble army who rest in these honored graves all around us.
** [[Frederick Douglass]], [http://deadconfederates.com/2015/05/25/frederick-douglass-on-decoration-day-1871-5/ &quot;The Unknown Loyal Dead&quot;] (30 May 1871), Arlington National Cemetery, Arlington County, Virginia.

* That we are here in peace today is a compliment and a credit to [[w:United States|American civilization]], and a prophecy of still greater national enlightenment and progress in the future. I refer to the past not in malice, for this is no day for malice, but simply to place more distinctly in front the gratifying and glorious change which has come both to our white fellow citizens and ourselves, and to congratulate all upon the contrast between now and then, the new dispensation of freedom with its thousand blessings to both races, and the old dispensation of slavery with its ten thousand evils to both races, white and black. In view, then, of the past, the present, and the future, with the long and dark history of our bondage behind us, and with liberty, progress, and enlightenment before us, I again congratulate you upon this auspicious day and hour.
** [[Frederick Douglass]], [http://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/document/oration-in-memory-of-abraham-lincoln/ ''Oratory in Memory of Abraham Lincoln''] (14 April 1876), Lincoln Park, Washington, D.C.

* Social equality does not necessarily follow from civil equality, and yet for the purpose of a hell black and damning prejudice, our papers still insist that the Civil Rights Bill is a Bill to establish social equality. If it is a Bill for social equality, so is the [[United States Declaration of Independence|Declaration of Independence]], which declares that all men have equal rights; so is the [[w:Sermon on the Mount|Sermon on the Mount]], so is the [[w:Golden Rule|Golden Rule]], that commands us to do to others as we would that others should do to us; so is the Apostolic teaching, that of one blood [[God]] has made all nations to dwell on all the face of the earth; so is the [[United States Constitution|Constitution of the United States]], and so are the laws and customs of every civilized country in the world; for nowhere, outside of the [[w:United States|United States]] is any man denied civil rights on account of his color.
** [[Frederick Douglass]], speech at the Civil Rights Mass-Meeting Held at Lincoln Hall (22 October 1883), as quoted in ''[https://archive.org/stream/lifetimesoffrede1881doug/lifetimesoffrede1881doug_djvu.txt The Life and Times of Frederick Douglass]'' (1881)

* Varieties of the human family appear and disappear, but humanity remains and will remain forever. The American people will one day be truer to this idea. 
** [[Frederick Douglass]], [http://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/document/the-future-of-the-colored-race/ &quot;The Future of the Colored Race&quot;] (May 1886)

* From the first I saw no chance of bettering the condition of the freedman until he should cease to be merely a freedman and should become a citizen. I insisted that there was no safety for him or for anybody else in America outside the American government; that to guard, protect, and maintain his liberty the freedman should have the ballot; that the liberties of the American people were dependent upon the ballot-box, the jury-box, and the cartridge-box; that without these no class of people could live and flourish in this country; and this was now the word for the hour with me, and the word to which the people of the North willingly listened when I spoke. Hence, regarding as I did the elective franchise as the one great power by which all civil rights are obtained, enjoyed, and maintained under our form of government, and the one without which freedom to any class is delusive if not impossible, I set myself to work with whatever force and energy I possessed to secure this power for the recently-emancipated millions.
** [[Frederick Douglass]], [http://docsouth.unc.edu/neh/dougl92/dougl92.html ''The Life and Times of Frederick Douglass''] (1892), p. 460

==E==
[[File:K. West.jpg|thumb|Too many of us look upon Americans as dollar chasers. This is a cruel libel, even if it is reiterated thoughtlessly by the Americans themselves. ~ [[Albert Einstein]]]]
[[File:Naturalization ceremony at Kennedy Space Center.jpg|thumb|We are, proudly, a people with no sense of class or caste. We judge no man by his name or inheritance, but by what he does, and for what he stands. And so likewise do we judge other nations. The right of no nation depends upon the date of its birth or the size of its power. ~ [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]]]]
[[File:USMC-09611.jpg|thumb|I believe that the United States as a government, if it is going to be true to its own founding documents, does have the job of working toward that time when there is no discrimination made on such inconsequential reason as race, color, or religion. ~ [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]]]]
[[File:Monticello Naturalization Ceremony.jpg|thumb|[[w:United States|We]] are a people born of many peoples. Our culture, our skills, our very aspirations have been shaped by immigrants, and their sons and daughters, from all the Earth. ~ [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]]]]
[[File:Bush-Mbeki.jpg|thumb|As there can be no second class citizens before the law of America, so, we believe, there can be no second-class nations before the law of the world community. ~ [[Dwight D. Eisenhower|Dwight Eisenhower]]]]
[[File:Nch children parade.jpg|thumb|The proudest human that walks the earth is a free American citizen. ~ [[Dwight D. Eisenhower|Dwight Eisenhower]]]]
[[File:The United States Women's Soccer Team Ticker-Tape Parade New York City (19585111425).jpg|thumb|America is the land of opportunity. It certainly was for [[w:Jill Ellis|me]]. ~ [[w:Jill Ellis|Jill Ellis]]]]
* [[France]] and America clash so often not because they are so irreconcilably different, but because they are so alike.
** ''[[w:The Economist|The Economist]]'', [http://www.economist.com/node/5323762 &quot;Spot the difference&quot;] (20 December 2005).

* There is enormous elasticity in the American political system... The country has the capacity to deal with what it now faces, both inside and outside its borders.
** [[w:Thomas B. Edsall|Thomas Edsall]], [http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/02/27/how-much-does-race-still-matter/?_r=0 &quot;How Much Does Race Still Matter?&quot;] (27 February 2013), ''The Washington Post'', Washington, D.C.

*The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children.
** [[Edward VIII of the United Kingdom|Edward VIII]], ''Look'', 5 March 1957

* In America, more than anywhere else, the individual is lost in the achievements of the many. America is beginning to be the world leader in scientific investigation. American scholarship is both patient and inspiring. The Americans show an unselfish devotion to science, which is the very opposite of the conventional European view of your countrymen. Too many of us look upon Americans as dollar chasers. This is a cruel libel, even if it is reiterated thoughtlessly by the Americans themselves. It is not true that the dollar is an American fetish. The American student is not interested in dollars, not even in success as such, but in his task, the object of the search. It is his painstaking application to the study of the infinitely little and the infinitely large which accounts for his success in astronomy.
** [[Albert Einstein]], [http://www.saturdayeveningpost.com/wp-content/uploads/satevepost/what_life_means_to_einstein.pdf ''What Life Means to Einstein: An Interview by George Sylvester Viereck''], ''The Saturday Evening Post'' (26 October 1929)

* The proudest human that walks the earth is a free American citizen.
** [[Dwight D. Eisenhower|Dwight Eisenhower]], [http://www.eisenhower.archives.gov/education/bsa/citizenship_merit_badge/eisenhower_citizenship_quotations.pdf talk at the Commercial Club of Chicago] (21 May 1948).

* Let us never forget that the deep things that are American are the soul and the spirit. The Statue of Liberty is not tired, and not because it is made of bronze. It is because no matter what happens, here the individual is dignified because he is created in the image of his god. Let us not forget it.
** [[Dwight D. Eisenhower|Dwight Eisenhower]], [http://www.eisenhower.archives.gov/education/bsa/citizenship_merit_badge/speeches/bnai_brith_dinner.pdf remarks to the B'nai B'rith] (23 November 1953), Mayflower Hotel, Washington, D.C.

* The eyes of the world are fixed upon us, and we must ask ourselves, what kind of an example of freedom do we give to our age? What are the true marks of our America, and what do they mean to the world?
** [[Dwight D. Eisenhower|Dwight Eisenhower]], [http://www.eisenhower.archives.gov/education/bsa/citizenship_merit_badge/speeches/address_convention_hall.pdf address at the Philadelphia Convention Hall] (1 November 1956).

* We are a people born of many peoples. Our culture, our skills, our very aspirations have been shaped by immigrants, and their sons and daughters, from all the Earth. Sam Gompers from England, Andrew Carnegie from Scotland, Albert Einstein from Germany, and Booker T. Washington and Al Smith, Marconi and Caruso. Men of all nations and races and estates, they have made us what we are... So it is that the laws most binding us as a people are laws of the spirit, proclaimed in church and synagogue and mosque. These are the laws that truly declare the eternal equality of all men, of all races, before the man-made laws of our land. And we are profoundly aware that, in the world, we can claim the trust of hundreds of millions of people, across Africa and Asia, only as we ourselves hold high the banner of justice for all... We are, proudly, a people with no sense of class or caste. We judge no man by his name or inheritance, but by what he does, and for what he stands. And so likewise do we judge other nations. The right of no nation depends upon the date of its birth or the size of its power. As there can be no second class citizens before the law of America, so, we believe, there can be no second-class nations before the law of the world community.
** [[Dwight D. Eisenhower|Dwight Eisenhower]], [http://www.eisenhower.archives.gov/education/bsa/citizenship_merit_badge/speeches/address_convention_hall.pdf address at the Philadelphia Convention Hall] (1 November 1956).

* A foundation of our American way of life is our national respect for law.
** [[Dwight D. Eisenhower|Dwight Eisenhower]], [http://www.eisenhower.archives.gov/education/bsa/citizenship_merit_badge/speeches/address_convention_hall.pdf address to the American People on the Situation in Little Rock] (24 September 1957).

* I believe that the United States as a government, if it is going to be true to its own founding documents, does have the job of working toward that time when there is no discrimination made on such inconsequential reason as race, color, or religion.
** [[Dwight D. Eisenhower|Dwight Eisenhower]], [http://www.eisenhower.archives.gov/all_about_ike/quotes.html#civilrights presidential news conference] (13 May 1959).

* Un-American activity cannot be prevented or routed out by employing un-American methods; to preserve freedom we must use the tools that freedom provides.
** [[Dwight D. Eisenhower|Dwight Eisenhower]], as quoted in ''The White House Years: Mandate for Change: 1953–1956: A Personal Account'' (1963), p. 331.

* I was against [[w:Atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki|it]] on two counts. First, the [[Japan]]ese were ready to surrender, and it wasn't necessary to hit them with that awful thing. Second, I hated to see [[w:United States|our country]] be the first [[w:Atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki|to use such a weapon]].
** [[Dwight D. Eisenhower|Dwight Eisenhower]], On his stated opposition to the use of the atomic bomb against the Japanese at the end of World War II, as quoted in Newsweek (11 November 1963).

* You were kind of an outlier if you even liked football and you were a girl in [[England]]. So to come over here and have that opportunity? I've always said America is the land of opportunity. It certainly was for me.
** [[w:Jill Ellis|Jillian Ellis]], as quoted in [http://www.latimes.com/sports/la-sp-0602-world-cup-jill-ellis-20150602-story.html &quot;U.S. Coach Jill Ellis' choices put her on the path to Women's World Cup&quot;] (1 June 2015), by Kevin Baxter, ''The Los Angeles Times'', California.

* America has been named as the world’s most generous nation in the world, where its citizens give the most to charity.
** Loulla-Mae Eleftheriou-Smith, [http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/america-new-zealand-and-canada-top-list-of-world-s-most-generous-nations-a6849221.html &quot;America, New Zealand and Canada top list of world’s most generous nations&quot;] (2 February 2016), ''Independent''

* Don't they know if tomorrow a slave ship arrived at Elmina to carry us to America, so many Ghanaians would climb on board that this ship would sink to the bed of the ocean from our weight?
** [[w:Elolo|Elolo]], as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=vnnGAgAAQBAJ&amp;printsec=frontcover ''Searching for Zion, The Quest for Home in the African Diaspora''] (2013), by Emily Raboteau, Atlantic Monthly Press, p. 223.

* I live in America, I feel such a debt to America. I love America, with all my heart.
** [[w:Michael Enright (actor)|Michael Enright]], as quoted in [http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/worldviews/wp/2015/06/01/why-this-hollywood-actor-dropped-everything-to-fight-the-islamic-state-in-syria/ &quot;Why this Hollywood actor dropped everything to fight the Islamic State in Syria&quot;] (1 June 2015), by Abby Phillip, ''The Washington Post''.

==F==
[[File:Washington Crossing the Delaware 1856-71 George Caleb Bingham.jpg|thumb|Mankind are all formed by the same almighty being, alike objects of his care and equally designed for the enjoyment of happiness... The political creed of America fully coincides with the position. ~ [[Benjamin Franklin]]]]
[[File:Flags of the United States and France (Boston Public Library).jpg|thumb|It seems to me that the United States and [[France]] can learn from each other. French universalism, or its equivalent, is a powerful weapon against racism, which is based on the belief in innate unalterable differences among human groups. Stressing what rights all people have because of what they have in common remains at the heart of anti-racism. ~ [[George M. Fredrickson]]]]
* Rally round the flag, boys—&lt;br&gt;Give it to the breeze!&lt;br&gt;That's the banner that we bore&lt;br&gt;On the land and seas.&lt;br&gt;Brave hearts are under it,&lt;br&gt;Let the traitors brag,&lt;br&gt;Gallant lads, fire away!&lt;br&gt;And fight for the flag.&lt;br&gt;Their flag is but a rag—&lt;br&gt;Ours is the true one;&lt;br&gt;Up with the Stars and Stripes!&lt;br&gt; with the new one!&lt;br&gt;Let our colors fly, boys—&lt;br&gt;Guard them day and night;&lt;br&gt;For victory is liberty,&lt;br&gt;And God will bless the right.
** [[James Thomas Fields]], &quot;The Stars and Stripes&quot;; reported in Florence Adams and Elizabeth McCarrick, ''Highdays &amp; Holidays'' (1927), pp. 182–83.

* Democracy is the creed of a province; it dwells in fetid wards. Republicanism is the religion of a nation; it creates imperial commonwealths out of desert wastes. These 'imperial commonwealths' constitute the foremost nation of the earth. The American republic. It leads them all in public school systems, home comforts, multiplicity of labor-saving machinery, public service, perfect autonomy of government for local communities, modes of travel, engines of general intelligence, public caravansaries, means of adjudicating disputes between man and man, freedom of thought, religion, press and speech, and in the utmost freedom of action in individuals consistent with good order and the rights of others, without the slightest government restraint or espionage. Notwithstanding the crimes of the south against the blacks, we hold the beacon of civil liberty and personal equality higher than any other nation. The light of our civilization goes farther into the jungles of ignorance and barbarism, deeper into the dungeons of tyranny and oppression than that of any other people. Nations, the guiding star of the world. We are the load-stone of nations, the guiding star of the world.
** [[w:Frank Abial Flower|Frank Abial Flower]], as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=VmkFAAAAQAAJ&amp;pg=PA449&amp;lpg=PA449&amp;dq=print+matthews+1883+copiah&amp;hl=en#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false ''History of the Republican Party: Embracing Its Origin, Growth and Mission''] (1 July 1884), by F.A. Flower, Grand Rapids, Michigan: Union Book Company, p. 10.

* Equal rights belonged to all Americans regardless of race.
** [[w:Eric Foner|Eric Foner]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=cwVkgrvctCcC&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;dq=%22Eric+Foner%22+%22Republicans%22&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0ahUKEwiOwdup3aLLAhVK7SYKHZufDmUQ6AEIRjAH#v=onepage&amp;q=%22Eric%20Foner%22%20%22Republicans%22&amp;f=false ''Reconstruction: America's Unfinished Revolution, 1863-1877''], p. xxiv

* Many things claimed as uniquely American, a devotion to individual freedom, for example, or social opportunity, exist in other countries. But birthright citizenship does make the United States unique in the [[developed world]]. No European nation recognizes the principle.
** [[w:Eric Foner|Eric Foner]], [https://archive.is/NFGmx#selection-2523.0-2523.383 &quot;What is an American?: Birthright citizenship, more than anything else, makes our country exceptional&quot;] (6 September 2015), by E. Foner, ''Pittsburgh Post-Gazette''

* Let us put an end to self-inflicted wounds. Let us remember that our national unity is a most priceless asset.
** [[Gerald R. Ford|Gerald Ford]], as quoted in address to joint session of the United States Congress (10 April 1975).

* February 19 is the anniversary of a very, very sad day in American history. It was on that date in 1942 that Executive Order 9066 was issued resulting in the uprooting of many, many loyal Americans. Over 100,000 persons of Japanese ancestry were removed from their homes, detained in special camps, and eventually relocated. We now know what we should have known then. Not only was that evacuation wrong but Japanese-Americans were and are loyal Americans. On the battlefield and at home the names of Japanese-Americans have been and continue to be written in history for the sacrifices and the contributions they have made to the well-being and to the security of this, our common Nation. Executive Order 9066 ceased to be effective at the end of World War II. Because there was no formal statement of its termination, there remains some concern among Japanese-Americans that there yet may be some life in that obsolete document. The proclamation that I am signing here today should remove all doubt on that matter. I call upon the American people to affirm with me the unhyphenated American promise that we have learned from the tragedy of that long ago experience; forever to treasure liberty and justice for each individual American and resolve that this kind of error shall never be made again.
** [[Gerald R. Ford|Gerald Ford]], [http://www.fordlibrarymuseum.gov/library/speeches/760111p.htm ''President Gerald R. Ford's Proclamation 4417, Confirming the Termination of the Executive Order Authorizing Japanese-American Internment During World War II''] (19 February 1976).

* America continues to be, for many, a land of dreams. Dreams which lead to action, to participation, to commitment. Dreams which awaken what is deepest and truest in the life of a people. In recent centuries, millions of people came to this land to pursue their dream of building a future in freedom. We, the people of this continent, are not fearful of foreigners, because most of us were once foreigners. I say this to you as the son of immigrants, knowing that so many of you are also descended from immigrants... Tragically, the rights of those who were here long before us were not always respected. For those peoples and their nations, from the heart of American democracy, I wish to reaffirm my highest esteem and appreciation. Those first contacts were often turbulent and violent, but it is difficult to judge the past by the criteria of the present. Nonetheless, when the stranger in our midst appeals to us, we must not repeat the sins and the errors of the past. We must resolve now to live as nobly and as justly as possible, as we educate new generations not to turn their back on our 'neighbors' and everything around us. 
** [[Pope Francis]], [http://www.c-span.org/video/?328063-1/pope-francis-address-joint-meeting-congress Pope Francis Address to Joint Meeting of Congress] (24 September 2015). As quoted in [https://www.washingtonpost.com/local/social-issues/transcript-pope-franciss-speech-to-congress/2015/09/24/6d7d7ac8-62bf-11e5-8e9e-dce8a2a2a679_story.html &quot;Transcript: Pope Francis' Speech to Congress&quot;] (24 September 2015), ''The Washington Post''.

* In the United States today, the government performs many of its functions more or less effectively. The mail is delivered (sometimes); the population, or at least part of it, is counted (sort of); and taxes are collected (you bet). You can accuse the federal leviathan of many things—corruption, incompetence, waste, bureaucratic strangulation—but mere anarchy, the lack of effective government, is not one of them. Yet at the same time, the state does not perform effectively or justly its basic duty of enforcing order and punishing criminals, and in this respect its failures do bring the country, or important parts of it, close to a state of anarchy. But that semblance of anarchy is coupled with many of the characteristics of tyranny, under which innocent and law-abiding citizens are punished by the state or suffer gross violations of their rights and liberty at the hands of the state. The result is what seems to be the first society in history in which elements of both anarchy and tyranny pertain at the same time and seem to be closely connected with each other and to constitute, more or less, opposite sides of the same coin.
** [[w:Samuel Francis|Samuel Francis]], [https://www.chroniclesmagazine.org/anarcho-tyranny-u-s-a-5/ Anarcho-Tyranny, U.S.A.], ''Chronicles'', July 1994

* [M]ankind are all formed by the same Almighty being, alike objects of his Care &amp; equally designed for the Enjoyment of Happiness the Christian Religion teaches us to believe &amp; the Political Creed of America fully coincides with the Position... [B]lessings ought rightfully to be administered, without distinction of Colour, to all descriptions of People, so they indulge themselves in the pleasing expectation, that nothing, which can be done for the relive of the unhappy objects of their care, will be either omitted or delayed... From a persuasion that equal liberty was originally the Portion, It is still the Birthright of all men.
**[[Benjamin Franklin]], [https://web.archive.org/web/20060521035446/http://www.ushistory.org:80/documents/antislavery.htm &quot;Petition from the Pennsylvania Society for the Abolition of Slavery&quot;] (3 February 1790)

* It seems to me that the United States and [[France]] can learn from each other. French universalism, or its equivalent, is a powerful weapon against racism, which is based on the belief in innate unalterable differences among human groups. Stressing what rights all people have because of what they have in common remains at the heart of anti-racism. A stronger awareness of such human commonality may be needed in the United States at a time when a stress on diversity and ethnic particularism may deprive us of any compelling vision of the larger national community and impede cooperation in the pursuit of a free and just society. On the other hand the identification of such universalism with a particular national identity and with specific cultural traits that go beyond essential human rights can lead to an intolerance of the ''Other'' that approaches color-coded racism in its harmful effects.
** [[George M. Fredrickson]], ''[https://web.archive.org/web/20031208020244/http://www.yale.edu/glc/events/race/Fredrickson.pdf Race, Ethnicity, and National Identity in France and the United States: A Comparative Historical Overview]'', (8 November 2003).

* The United States is arguably the world's oldest democracy. Its people benefit from a vibrant electoral system, a strong rule-of-law tradition, robust freedoms of expression and religious belief, and a wide array of other civil liberties. The United States remains a major destination point for immigrants and has largely been successful in integrating newcomers from all backgrounds.
** [https://freedomhouse.org/report/freedom-world/2017/united-states ''Freedom House'']

* In the [[w:United States|United States]], minority populations were never an indigestible mass—with the major exceptions of the one ethnic group that did not come here voluntarily (African Americans) and those who were here when Europeans arrived (American Indians). The rest all came, clustered and dispersed, and added new cultural layers to the general society. [[Immigration|This]] has always been the strength of the [[w:United States|United States]]. 
** [[George Friedman]], [https://web.archive.org/web/20170628085246/http://www.mysearch.org.uk/website1/pdf/715.2.pdf ''The Next 100 Years: A Forecast for the 21st Century''] (2009), New York: Doubleday, pp. 224&amp;ndash;225

* The United States' model is a little bit more liberal and therefore we do less redistribution.
** Francis Fukuyama, as quoted in [http://www.rferl.org/content/fukuyama-putinism-islamic-state-liberal-democracy/27518924.html &quot;Fukuyama: 'Putinism', Radical Islam No Alternative To Liberal Democracy&quot;] (30 January 2016), by *Charles Recknagel, ''Radio Free Europe: Radio Liberty''.

* There are two Americas. One is the America of [[Abraham Lincoln|Lincoln]] and [[Adlai Stevenson]]; the other is the America of [[Theodore Roosevelt|Teddy Roosevelt]] and the modern [[patriotism|superpatriots]]. One is generous and humane, the other narrowly egotistical; one is self-critical, the other self-righteous; one is sensible, the other romantic; one is good-humored, the other solemn; one is inquiring, the other pontificating; one is moderate, the other filled with passionate intensity; one is judicious and the other arrogant in the use of great power.
** [[w:J. William Fulbright|J. William Fulbright]], ''The Arrogance of Power'' (1966).

==G==
[[File:Waud - 1867 - The First Vote.jpg|thumb|There can be no permanent disfranchised peasantry in the United States. Freedom can never yield its fullness of blessings so long as the law or its administration places the smallest obstacle in the pathway of any virtuous citizen. ~ [[James A. Garfield]]]]
[[File:Scene at the Signing of the Constitution of the United States.jpg|thumb|To grant suffrage to the black man in [[w:United States|this country]] is not innovation, but restoration. It is a return to the ancient principles and practices of [[w:Founding Fathers of the United States|the fathers]]. ~ [[James A. Garfield]]]]
[[File:B-2 Spirit original.jpg|thumb|The essence of U.S. military predominance in the world is, ultimately, the fact that it can, at will, drop bombs, with only a few hours' notice, at absolutely any point on the surface of the planet. No other government has ever had anything remotely like this sort of capability. ~ [[David Graeber]]]]
[[File:US Capitol dome Jan 2006.jpg|thumb|Leave the matter of religion to the family altar, the church, and the private school, supported entirely by private contributions. Keep the church and the state forever separate. ~ [[Ulysses S. Grant]]]]
[[File:US flag 37 stars.svg|thumb|Protect the law-abiding citizen, whether of native or foreign birth, wherever his rights are jeopardized or the flag of our country floats. ~ [[Ulysses S. Grant]]]]
[[File:UStanks baghdad 2003.JPEG|thumb|As the United States is the freest of all nations, so, too, its people sympathize with all people struggling for liberty and self-government; but while so sympathizing it is due to our honor that we should abstain from enforcing our views upon unwilling nations and from taking an interested part, without invitation. ~ [[Ulysses S. Grant]]]]
[[File:Freedman Bureau Richmond VA.jpg|thumb|Encourage free schools, and resolve that not one dollar of money shall be appropriated to the support of any sectarian school. Resolve that neither the state nor nation, or both combined, shall support institutions of learning other than those sufficient to afford every child growing up in the land the opportunity of a good common school education. ~ [[Ulysses S. Grant]]]]
[[File:Flag of the United States of America (1861-1863).svg|thumb|Our liberties remain unimpaired; the bondmen have been freed from slavery. We have become possessed of the respect, if not the friendship, of all civilized nations. Our progress has been great. ~ [[Ulysses S. Grant]]]]
[[File:President George W. Bush spends time with students at the Waldo C. Falkener Elementary School.jpg|thumb|I suggest for [[w:United States Congress|your]] earnest consideration, and most earnestly recommend it, that a constitutional amendment be submitted to the legislatures of the several states for ratification, making it the duty of each of the several states to establish and forever maintain free public schools adequate to the education of all the children in the rudimentary branches within their respective limits, irrespective of sex, color, birthplace, or religions. ~ [[Ulysses S. Grant]]]]
[[File:Rosaparks.jpg|thumb|The present difficulty, in bringing all parts of [[w:United States|the United States]] to a happy unity and love of country grows out of [[Bigotry|the prejudice to color]]. [[Bigotry|The prejudice]] is a senseless one, but it exists. ~ [[Ulysses S. Grant]]]]
[[File:US Great Seal 1782 drawing.png|thumb|The triumph of the Union is dispensable not only to the existence of our country to the well being of mankind. ~ [[Horace Greeley]]]]
* For mere vengeance I would do nothing. This nation is too great to look for mere revenge. But for security of the future I would do every thing.
** [[James A. Garfield]], speech in New York City (15 April 1865) on the occasion of [[Abraham Lincoln]]'s assassination, as reported in John Clark Ridpath, ''The Life and Work of James A. Garfield'' (1882 memorial edition), p. 194. Several biographers include this speech, but accounts of his remarks that day vary

* To grant suffrage to the black man in [[w:United States|this country]] is not innovation, but restoration. It is a return to the ancient principles and practices of [[w:Founding Fathers of the United States|the fathers]].
** [[James A. Garfield]], [https://archive.org/stream/worksjamesabram00garfgoog/worksjamesabram00garfgoog_djvu.txt oration at Ravenna] (4 July 1865)

* [[w:Founding Fathers of the United States|The colonists]] were struggling not only against the armies of a [[United Kingdom|great nation]], but against the settled opinions of mankind; for the world did not then believe that the supreme authority of government could be safely intrusted to the guardianship of the people themselves... The elevation of the negro race from slavery to the full rights of citizenship is the most important political change we have known since the adoption of the [[United States Constitution|Constitution of 1787]]. No thoughtful man can fail to appreciate its beneficent effect upon our institutions and people. It has freed us from the perpetual danger of war and dissolution. It has added immensely to the moral and industrial forces of our people. It has liberated the master as well as the slave from a relation which wronged and enfeebled both. It has surrendered to their own guardianship the manhood of more than 5,000,000 people, and has opened to each one of them a career of freedom and usefulness... There can be no permanent disfranchised peasantry in the United States. Freedom can never yield its fullness of blessings so long as the law or its administration places the smallest obstacle in the pathway of any virtuous citizen.
** [[James A. Garfield]], [http://web.archive.org/web/20000523111834/http://www.yale.edu/lawweb/avalon/presiden/inaug/garfield.htm inaugural address] (4 March 1881)

* I will say, finally, that I despair of [[w:United States|the republic]] while [[slavery]] exists therein. If I look up to [[God]] for [[success]], no [[smile]] of [[mercy]] or [[forgiveness]] dispels the gloom of futurity; if to our own resources, they are daily diminishing; if to all [[history]], our destruction is not only possible, but almost certain. Why should we slumber at this momentous crisis? If our [[hearts]] were [[dead]] to every throb of [[humanity]]; if it were [[lawful]] to oppress, where [[power]] is ample; still, if we had any regard for our [[safety]] and [[happiness]], we should strive to crush the [[Vampire]] which is feeding upon our [[life]]-[[blood]]. All the [[selfishness]] of our [[nature]] cries aloud for a better security. Our own vices are too [[strong]] for us, and keep us in perpetual alarm; how, in addition to these, shall we be able to contend successfully with millions of armed and desperate men, as we must eventually, if slavery do not cease?
** [[William Lloyd Garrison]], [http://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/index.asp?document=562 address to the Colonization Society] (4 July 1829)

* I have not come here with reference to any flag but that of freedom. If [[w:United States|your Union]] does not symbolize universal emancipation, it brings no Union for me. If your Constitution does not guarantee freedom for all, it is not a Constitution I can ascribe to. If your flag is stained by the blood of a brother held in bondage, I repudiate it in the name of God. I came here to witness the unfurling of a flag under which every human being is to be recognized as entitled to his freedom. Therefore, with a clear conscience, without any compromise of principles, I accepted the invitation of the Government of the United States to be present and witness the ceremonies that have taken place today. And now let me give the sentiment which has been, and ever will be, the governing passion of my soul: 'Liberty for each, for all, and forever!'
** [[William Lloyd Garrison]], speech in Charleston, [[South Carolina]] (14 April 1865).

* The directness and naturalness of the American is the most enviable of his traits. It gives the sense of a man who is born free.
** [[w:Alfred George Gardiner|Alfred George Gardiner]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=A9LPAAAAMAAJ&amp;pg=PA101&amp;lpg=PA101&amp;dq=%22The+directness+and+naturalness+of+the+American+is+the+most+enviable+of+his+traits.+It+gives+the+sense+of+a+man+who+is+born+free.%22&amp;source=bl&amp;ots=s6wfDHuUWv&amp;sig=nRZZ4aIhKELXA_zsps9cZACrDjE&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0ahUKEwikhO3EooDUAhVH4CYKHVHTBRAQ6AEIJjAC#v=onepage&amp;q=%22The%20directness%20and%20naturalness%20of%20the%20American%20is%20the%20most%20enviable%20of%20his%20traits.%20It%20gives%20the%20sense%20of%20a%20man%20who%20is%20born%20free.%22&amp;f=false ''Leaves in the Wind''], p. 101

* My father had served with great honor and courage in the Second World War. He fought for a country that was not only great, but good. It had its flaws and had some imperfections. It was the original sin of slavery which you know which we hadn't completed extirpated because we still had racial injustice in the 50s and 60s and 70s. We had only recently abolished, formally abolished segregation. So I was aware that uh, America had its flaws and defects in its history. But I also believed in the country and believed in its principles. That's the way I was brought up and so I was shocked when I found people who were just openly, vociferously anti-American, condemning not only America's sins but America itself, condemning its principles and pointing in some cases to communist regimes like Cuba as being superior.
** [[Robert P. George]], [http://conversationswithbillkristol.org/video/robert-p-george/ interview with Bill Kristol] (April 2016), [http://conversationswithbillkristol.org/transcript/robert-george-transcript/ transcript]

* I was the last to consent to the separation; but the separation having been made and having become inevitable, I have always said, as I say now, that I would be the first to meet the friendship of the United States as an independent power.
** [[George III of the United Kingdom|George III]], to [[John Adams]] in Londnon, as quoted in Adams, C.F. (editor) (1850–56), ''The works of John Adams, second president of the United States'', vol. VIII, pp. 255–257, quoted in Ayling, p. 323 and Hibbert, p. 165

* [[w:Multivariate analysis|Multivariate analysis]] indicates that economic elites and organized groups representing business interests have substantial independent impacts on U.S. government policy, while average citizens and mass-based interest groups have little or no independent influence. The results provide substantial support for theories of Economic-Elite Domination and for theories of Biased Pluralism, but not for theories of Majoritarian Electoral Democracy or Majoritarian Pluralism.
** Martin Gilens and [[Benjamin I. Page]], &quot;Testing Theories of American Politics: Elites, Interest Groups, and Average Citizens,&quot; ''[[w:Perspectives on Politics|Perspectives on Politics]]'', vol. 12, no. 3 (September 2014)

* American society is still among the healthiest in world, if not the best. The United Nations’ Human Development Index, a measure of a health, education and standard-of-living indicators, ranks America eighth, behind Australia and a handful of European nations. The United States remains the most coveted destination for would-be immigrants and foreign students.
** Scott Gilmore, [http://www.macleans.ca/politics/washington/when-did-america-stop-being-great/ &quot;When did America stop being great?&quot;] (2 March 2016), ''MacLean's''

* Oh, give us a flag, all free without a slave! We'll fight to defend it, as our fathers did so brave... We'll stand by the Union, if we only have a chance.
** [http://www.civilwarpoetry.org/union/songs/give_us_a_flag.html &quot;Give Us A Flag&quot;]

* America remains the last best hope for mankind. Still, I think it would be silly to deny how America came to be, but the truth makes me no less grateful that America did come to be. Also, I really, really like the food.
** [[Jonah Goldberg]], [http://web.archive.org/web/20041126231505/http://www.nationalreview.com:80/thecorner/04_11_24_corner-archive.asp &quot;Thanksgiving&quot;] (24 November 2004), ''The Corner'', National Review

* The most unpardonable sin in society is [[independence of thought]]. That this should be so terribly apparent in a country whose symbol is democracy, is very significant of the tremendous power [[Tyranny of the majority|of the majority]]. [...] Evidently we have not advanced very far from the condition that confronted [[Wendell Phillips]].
** [[Emma Goldman]], ''{{w|Anarchism and Other Essays}}'', [[:wikisource:Anarchism and Other Essays/2|Minorities Versus Majorities]], 1910, ''Mother Earth Publishing''

* The U.S. military, unlike any other, maintains a doctrine of global power projection: that it should have the ability, through roughly 800 overseas military bases, to intervene with deadly force absolutely anywhere on the planet. In a way, though, land forces are secondary; at least since World War II, the key to U.S. military doctrine has always been a reliance on air power. The United States has fought no war in which it did not control the skies, and it has relied on aerial bombardment far more systematically than any other military-in its recent occupation of Iraq, for instance, even going so far as to bomb residential neighborhoods of cities ostensibly under its own control. The essence of U.S. military predominance in the world is, ultimately, the fact that it can, at will, drop bombs, with only a few hours' notice, at absolutely any point on the surface of the planet. No other government has ever had anything remotely like this sort of capability. In fact, a case could well be made that it is this very power that holds the entire world monetary system, organized around the dollar, together.
** [[David Graeber]], ''Debt: The 5000 Years'', p. 365-366.

* I hate Americans; I hate America.
** [[w:Ariana Grande|Ariana Grande]], [http://friesian.com/antiam.htm at a Los Angeles doughnut shop] (4 July 2015).

* I would protect the law-abiding citizen, whether of native or foreign birth, wherever his rights are jeopardized or the flag of our country floats.
** [[Ulysses S. Grant]], [[s:Ulysses_S._Grant%27s_First_Inaugural_Address|''First Inaugural Address'']] (4 March 1869).

* As the United States is the freest of all nations, so, too, its people sympathize with all people struggling for liberty and self-government; but while so sympathizing it is due to our honor that we should abstain from enforcing our views upon unwilling nations and from taking an interested part, without invitation.
** [[Ulysses S. Grant]], [[s:Ulysses_S._Grant%27s_First_State_of_the_Union_Address|''First State of the Union Address'']] (6 December 1869).

* The present difficulty, in bringing all parts of the United States to a happy unity and love of country grows out of [[Bigotry|the prejudice to color]]. [[Bigotry|The prejudice]] is a senseless one, but it exists.
** [[Ulysses S. Grant]], ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=h2ETxC83sdsC&amp;pg=PA74&amp;lpg=PA74&amp;dq=%22and+he+would+soon+receive+such+recognition+as+to+induce+him+to+stay%22&amp;source=bl&amp;ots=0bCUbNud-b&amp;sig=SUGBB2pV8Ob_jR_KTJvQ2kenxKM&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ei=B-9kU7-8DtXesAT_4YGQBA&amp;ved=0CDoQ6AEwBQ#v=onepage&amp;q=%22and%20he%20would%20soon%20receive%20such%20recognition%20as%20to%20induce%20him%20to%20stay%22&amp;f=false Memorandum: Reasons why Santo Domingo should be annexed to the United States]'' (1869-1870?).

* The framers of our Constitution firmly believed that a republican government could not endure without intelligence and education generally diffused among the people. The Father of his Country, in his Farewell Address, uses this language.
** [[Ulysses S. Grant]], [https://web.archive.org/web/20100530210158/http://www.nps.gov/ulsg/historyculture/grant-and-the-15th-amendment.htm special message to the Senate and House of Representatives] (30 March 1870).

* Under existing conditions the negro votes the [[Republican Party (United States)|Republican]] ticket because he knows his friends are of that party. Many a good citizen votes the opposite, not because he agrees with the great principles of state which separate parties, but because, generally, he is opposed to negro rule. This is a most delusive cry. Treat the negro as a citizen and a voter, as he is and must remain, and soon parties will be divided, not on the color line, but on principle. Then we shall have no complaint of sectional interference.
** [[Ulysses S. Grant]], [[s:Ulysses_S._Grant%27s_Sixth_State_of_the_Union_Address|Sixth State of the Union Address]] (7 December 1874).

* Encourage free schools, and resolve that not one dollar of money shall be appropriated to the support of any sectarian school. Resolve that neither the state nor nation, or both combined, shall support institutions of learning other than those sufficient to afford every child growing up in the land the opportunity of a good common school education, unmixed with sectarian, pagan, or atheistical tenets. Leave the matter of religion to the family altar, the church, and the private school, supported entirely by private contributions. Keep the church and the state forever separate.
** [[Ulysses S. Grant]], [https://archive.org/stream/wordsofourheroul00gran/wordsofourheroul00gran_djvu.txt speech at the Annual Reunion of the Society of the Army of Tennessee] (29 September 1875), Des Moines, Iowa.

* Our liberties remain unimpaired; the bondmen have been freed from slavery; we have become possessed of the respect, if not the friendship, of all civilized nations. Our progress has been great in all the arts—in science, agriculture, commerce, navigation, mining, mechanics, law, medicine, etc.; and in general education the progress is likewise encouraging. Our thirteen States have become thirty-eight, including Colorado (which has taken the initiatory steps to become a State), and eight Territories, including the Indian Territory and Alaska, and excluding Colorado, making a territory extending from the Atlantic to the Pacific. On the south we have extended to the Gulf of Mexico, and in the west from the Mississippi to the Pacific.
** [[Ulysses S. Grant]], [[s:Ulysses_S._Grant%27s_Seventh_State_of_the_Union_Address|''Seventh State of the Union Address'']] (7 December 1875).

* As the primary step, therefore, to our advancement in all that has marked our progress in the past century, I suggest for your earnest consideration, and most earnestly recommend it, that a constitutional amendment be submitted to the legislatures of the several states for ratification, making it the duty of each of the several states to establish and forever maintain free public schools adequate to the education of all the children in the rudimentary branches within their respective limits, irrespective of sex, color, birthplace, or religions; forbidding the teaching in said schools of religious, atheistic, or pagan tenets; and prohibiting the granting of any school funds or school taxes, or any part thereof, either by legislative, municipal, or other authority, for the benefit or in aid, directly or indirectly, of any religious sect or denomination, or in aid or for the benefit of any other object of any nature or kind whatever.
** [[Ulysses S. Grant]], [[s:Ulysses_S._Grant%27s_Seventh_State_of_the_Union_Address|''Seventh State of the Union Address'']] (7 December 1875).

* It is to be hoped that such legislation may be another step toward the great consummation to be reached, when no man shall be permitted, directly or indirectly, under any guise, excuse, or form of law, to hold his fellow-man in bondage. I am of opinion also that it is the duty of the United States, as contributing toward that end, and required by the spirit of the age in which we live, to provide by suitable legislation that no citizen of the United States shall hold slaves as property in any other country or be interested therein.
** [[Ulysses S. Grant]], [[s:Ulysses_S._Grant%27s_Seventh_State_of_the_Union_Address|''Seventh State of the Union Address'']] (7 December 1875).

* As soon as slavery fired upon the flag it was felt, we all felt, even those who did not object to slaves, that slavery must be destroyed. We felt that it was a stain to the Union that men should be bought and sold like cattle.
** [[Ulysses S. Grant]], to [[Otto von Bismarck]] (June 1878), as quoted in [http://www.granthomepage.com/grantslavery.htm ''Around the World with General Grant''] (1879), by John Russell Young, The American News Company, New York, vol. 7, p. 416.

* [[War]] has made us a nation of great power and intelligence. We have but little to do to preserve peace, happiness and prosperity at home, and the respect of other nations. Our experience ought to teach us the necessity of the first; our power secures the latter... I cannot stay to be a living witness to the correctness of this prophecy; but I feel it within me that it is to be so. The universally kind feeling expressed for me at a time when it was supposed that each day would prove my last, seemed to me the beginning of the answer to 'Let us have peace'. The expression of these kindly feelings were not restricted to a section of the country, nor to a division of the people. They came from individual citizens of all nationalities; from all denominations — the Protestant, the Catholic, and the Jew; and from the various societies of the land — scientific, educational, religious or otherwise. Politics did not enter into the matter at all. I am not egotist enough to suppose all this significance should be given because I was the object of it.
** [[Ulysses S. Grant]], [http://www.gutenberg.org/etext/4367 ''Personal Memoirs of General U. S. Grant''] (1885).

* The triumph of the Union is dispensable not only to the existence of our country to the well being of mankind.
** [[Horace Greeley]], [https://web.archive.org/web/20051227061528/http://www.civilwarhome.com/lincolngreeley.htm letter to Abraham Lincoln] (19 August 1862).

* And I'm proud to be an American&lt;br&gt;Where at least I know I'm free&lt;br&gt;And I won't forget the men who died&lt;br&gt;Who gave that right to me&lt;br&gt;And I gladly stand up&lt;br&gt;Next to you and defend her still today&lt;br&gt;Cause there ain't no doubt, I love this land&lt;br&gt;God bless the USA
** [[W:Lee Greenwood|Lee Greenwood]], ''[[W:God Bless the U.S.A.|God Bless the U.S.A.]]'' (1984)

* Let us not only declare by wrords, but demonstrate by our actions, &quot;That all men are created equal; that they are endowed, by their Creator, with certain unalienable rights; that, amongst these, are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.&quot; Let us venerate the instruction of that great and amiable man, to whom, chiefly, under Providence, the United States are indebted for their liberties; the world, for a common home: &quot;That there exists an indissoluble union between virtue and happiness, between duty and advantage.&quot;
** [[w:William Grimshaw|William Grimshaw]], [[:File:History of the United States (1821), by William Grimshaw.pdf|''History of the United States'']] (1821)

* The greatest, craziest, most dangerous, least stable, most spectacular, least grown-up, and most powerful and magnificent nation ever known.
** [[w:John Gunther|John Gunther]], ''[[w:Inside U.S.A. (book)|Inside U.S.A.]]'' (1947).

* The USA is the strongest nation on earth; nobody questions this fact. The USA is a melting pot of races and ethnicities that produces the best overall athletes in the world; nobody questions this fact either.
** Ahmet Guvener, [https://www.socceramerica.com/publications/article/70255/aiming-to-end-pay-to-play-and-play-to-win.html &quot;Aiming to end Pay to Play and Play to Win&quot;] (6 September 2017), ''Youth Soccer Insider'', Soccer America

==H==
[[File:Capitol_Gegenlicht.jpg|thumb|My whole life has taught me what America means. I am indebted to my country beyond any human power to repay. ~ [[Herbert Hoover]]]]
[[File:USMC-090917-M-9234B-209.jpg|thumb|Americans. America needs new immigrants to love and cherish it. ~ [[Eric Hoffer]]]]
[[File:Scene at the Signing of the Constitution of the United States.jpg|thumb|Ironically, the founders of the republic have been hailed and lionized by left, right, and center for—in effect—creating the first apartheid state. ~ [[Gerald Horne]]]]


* The U.S. economy is likely to continue for the foreseeable future to be a major force not only for global economic growth and innovation but also for global economic stability. When uncertainties emerge in the global economic picture, it is in U.S. treasuries and the U.S. equity markets that global capital seeks refuge. And a number of factors favor the future growth of the American economy. Let me mention just two of them; America's energy boom and its ability to attract talent from every corner of the world.
** [[w:Stephen J. Hadley|Stephen Hadley]], [http://www.lowyinstitute.org/publications/americas-role-world-stephen-j-hadley &quot;America's Role In The World&quot;] (30 October 2004), ''Lowy Institute''.

* Less than a decade ago, as you might recall, energy was a big challenge for the United States. But since then there has been a boom in domestic U.S. oil and gas production due to the exploitation of shale oil and shale gas deposits through horizontal drilling and hydraulic fracking. In 2013, the United States overtook Russia as the world’s leading producer of oil and gas. Within two years, it is likely to surpass Saudi Arabia as the world's largest crude oil producer. As a consequence, U.S. imports of oil and gas have fallen steeply in the last 5 years, helping to reduce the U.S. trade deficit. Indeed, the United States will soon be a net exporter of energy.
** [[w:Stephen J. Hadley|Stephen Hadley]], [http://www.lowyinstitute.org/publications/americas-role-world-stephen-j-hadley &quot;America's Role In The World&quot;] (30 October 2004), ''Lowy Institute''.

* We are committed to sacrifice in battle in order to make America safe for Americans and establish their security on every lawful mission on the high seas or under the shining sun.
** [[Warren G. Harding]], ''[[s:The Republic Must Awaken|The Republic Must Awaken]]'' (1917).

* We are testing popular government's capacity for self-defense. We are resolved to liberate the soul of American life and prove ourselves an American people in fact, spirit, and purpose, and consecrate ourselves anew and everlastingly to human freedom and humanity's justice. Realizing our new relationship with the world, we want to make it fit to live in, and with might and fright and wrathfulness and barbarity crushed by the conscience of a real civilization. Ours is a small concern about the kind of government any people may choose, but we do mean to outlaw the nation which violates the sacred compacts of international relationships. The decision is to be final... A republic worth living in is worth fighting for, and sacrificing for, and dying for. In the fires of this conflict we shall wipe out the disloyalty of those who wear American garb without the faith, and establish a new concord of citizenship and a new devotion, so that we should have made a safe America the home and hope of a people who are truly American in heart and soul.
** [[Warren G. Harding]], ''[[s:The Republic Must Awaken|The Republic Must Awaken]]'' (1917).

* The United States of America. Our call is for unison, not rivaling sympathies. Our need is concord, not the antipathies of long inheritance... We want a free America again. We want America free at home, and free in the world. We want to silence the outcry of nation against nation, in the fullness of understanding, and we wish to silence [[Bigotry|the cry of class against class]], and stifle the party appeal to class, so that we may ensure tranquility in our own freedom. If I could choose but one, I had rather have industrial and social peace at home, than command the international peace of all the world.
** [[Warren G. Harding]], ''[[s:Nationalism and Americanism|Nationalism and Americanism]]'' (1920).

* Much has been said of late about world ideals, but I prefer to think of the ideal for America. I like to think there's something more than the patriotism and practical wisdom of the founding fathers. It's good to believe that maybe destiny held this new world republic to be the supreme example of representative democracy and orderly liberty by which humanity is inspired to higher achievement. It is idle to think we have attained perfection, but there is the satisfying knowledge that we hold orderly processes for making our government reflect the heart and mind of the republic... Ours is not only a fortunate people, but a very common-sensical people, with vision high, but their feet on the earth, with belief in themselves and faith in God. Whether enemies threaten from without or menaces arise from within, there is some indefinable voice saying, ''{{'}}Have confidence in the Republic. America will go on{{'}}''. Here is the sample of liberty no storms may shake. Here are the altars of freedom no factions shall destroy. It was American in conception, American in its building. It shall be American in the fulfillment. Factional once, we are all American now, and we mean to be all Americans to all the world.
** [[Warren G. Harding]], ''[[s:The_American_Soldier|The American Soldier]]'' (1920).

* In view of [[United States Constitution|the constitution]], in the eye of the law, there is in this country no superior, dominant, ruling class of citizens. There is no caste here. [[United States Constitution|Our constitution]] is color-blind, and neither knows nor tolerates classes among citizens. In respect of civil rights, all citizens are equal before the law. The humblest is the peer of the most powerful. The law regards man as man, and takes no account of his surroundings or of his color when his civil rights as guaranteed by the supreme law of the land are involved. It is difficult to reconcile that boast with a state of the law which, practically, puts the brand of servitude and degradation upon a large class of our fellow-citizens, our equals before the law... We boast of the freedom enjoyed by our people above all other peoples. But it is difficult to reconcile that boast with a state of the law which, practically, puts the brand of servitude and degradation upon a large class of our fellow citizens, our equals before the law. The thin disguise of 'equal' accommodations for passengers in railroad coaches will not mislead anyone, nor atone for the wrong this day done... I cannot see but that, according to the principles this day announced, such state legislation, although conceived in hostility to, and enacted for the purpose of humiliating, citizens of the United States of a particular race, would be held to be consistent with the constitution.
** [[John Marshall Harlan]], as quoted in ''[[w:Plessy v. Ferguson|Plessy v. Ferguson]]'', 163 U.S. 537, 559 (1896).

* We Americans have no commission from God to police the world.
** [[Benjamin Harrison]], ''Statement of 1888'', as quoted in ''Treasury of Presidential Quotations'' (1964) by Caroline T. Hamsberger

* Shall the prejudices and paralysis of slavery continue to hang upon the skirts of progress? How long will those who rejoice that slavery no longer exists cherish or tolerate the incapacities it put upon their communities?
** [[Benjamin Harrison]], ''[[s:Benjamin Harrison's First State of the Union Address|Benjamin Harrison's First State of the Union Address]]'' (3 December 1889).

* The colored people did not intrude themselves upon us. They were brought here in chains and held in the communities where they are now chiefly found by a cruel slave code. Happily for both races, they are now free... But notwithstanding all this, in many parts of our country where the colored population is large the people of that race are by various devices deprived of any effective exercise of their political rights and of many of their civil rights. The wrong does not expend itself upon those whose votes are suppressed. Every constituency in the Union is wronged.
** [[Benjamin Harrison]], ''[[s:Benjamin Harrison's First State of the Union Address|Benjamin Harrison's First State of the Union Address]]'' (3 December 1889).

* [[God]] forbid that the day should ever come when, in the American mind, the thought of man as a 'consumer' shall submerge the old American thought of man as a creature of God, endowed with 'unalienable rights'.
** [[Benjamin Harrison]], &quot;The Status of Annexed Territory and of Its Free Civilized Inhabitants&quot; (1901), ''North American Review'', vol. 172, no. 530 (January 1901), p. 22.

*When [[Robert F. Kennedy|Bobby Kennedy]] went after [[organized crime]] in the early 1960s, one of the things he learned was that the [[W:Mafia|Mafia]] had a series of rituals new members went through to declare their loyalty and promise they’d never turn away from their new benefactors.  Once in, they’d be showered with money and protection, but they could never leave and even faced serious problems if they betrayed the syndicate. Which brings us to the story of [[Kyrsten Sinema]]. For a  republican democracy to actually work, average citizens with a passion for making their country better must be able to run for public office without needing wealthy or powerful patrons; this is a concept that dates back to Aristotle’s rants on the topic. And Sinema... Apparently... she decided that if you can only barely beat them, you’d damn well better join them.  Sinema quickly joined other Democrats who’d followed the Citizens United path to the flashing neon lights of big money, joining the so-called “Problem Solvers” caucus that owes its existence in part to the Wall Street-funded front group “No Labels.” ... Political networks run by rightwing billionaires and the US Chamber of Commerce showered her with support... She’d proved herself as a “made woman,” just like the old mafiosi documented by RFK in the 1960s, willing to do whatever it takes, compromise whatever principles she espoused...
**[[Thom Hartmann]] in [https://www.counterpunch.org/2021/10/14/krysten-sinema-is-the-epitome-of-political-corruption/ Krysten Sinema is the Epitome of Political Corruption, Thom Hartmann,] ''CounterPunch'', October 14, 2021 

*And this is '''a genuine crisis for America because if President Biden is frustrated in his attempt to pass his Build Back Better legislation (that is overwhelmingly supported by Americans across the political spectrum) — all because business groups, giant corporations and rightwing billionaires are asserting ownership over their two “made” senators''' — there’s a very good chance that today’s cynicism and political violence is just a preview of the rest of the decade. But this isn’t as much a story about Sinema as it is about today’s larger political dysfunction for which she’s become, along with Joe Manchin, a poster child.  Increasingly, '''because of the Supreme Court’s betrayal of American values, it’s become impossible for people like the younger Sinema to rise from social worker to the United States Senate without big money behind them....''' While the naked corruption of Sinema and Joe Manchin is a source of outrage for Democrats across America, what’s far more important is that it reveals how deep the rot of money in American politics has gone, thanks entirely to a corrupted Supreme Court.   In Justice Stevens’ dissent in Citizens United, he pointed out that corporations in their modern form didn’t even exist when the Constitution was written...
**[[Thom Hartmann]] in [https://www.counterpunch.org/2021/10/14/krysten-sinema-is-the-epitome-of-political-corruption/ Krysten Sinema is the Epitome of Political Corruption, Thom Hartmann,] ''CounterPunch'', October 14, 2021 

* What then is the American, this new man? He is either an European, or the descendant of an European, hence that strange mixture of blood, which you will find in no other country.
** [[w:J. Hector St. John de Crèvecœur|J. Hector St. John de Crèvecœur]], &quot;What Is an American&quot; (1782), ''Letters from an American Farmer'' (reprinted 1925), p. 54.

*Despite the [[Robert Mueller]] report’s conclusion that Donald Trump and his campaign did not collude with [[Russia]] during the 2016 presidential race, the new [[Cold War]] with Moscow shows little sign of abating. It is used to justify the expansion of [[NATO]] to Russia’s borders, a move that has made billions in profits for [[w:arms manufacturers|U.S. arms manufacturers]]... It is used to demonize domestic critics and [[Alternative media|alternative media outlets]] as agents of a foreign power. It is used to paper over the [[Democratic Party|Democratic Party’s]] [[betrayal]] of the working class and the party’s subservience to [[corporate power]]. It is used to discredit détente between the world’s two largest nuclear powers. It is used to justify both the curtailment of civil liberties in the United States and U.S. interventions overseas—including in countries such as [[Syria]] and [[Venezuela]]. This new Cold War predates the Trump presidential campaign. It was manufactured over a decade ago by a [[Military-industrial complex|war industry]] and intelligence community that understood that, by fueling a conflict with Russia, they could consolidate their [[power]] and increase their [[profits]]. 
**[[Chris Hedges]] in [https://www.truthdig.com/articles/manufacturing-war-with-russia/ ''Manufacturing War With Russia, TruthDig'' ]]  (3 June 2019)

* Many of our constitutional rights as Americans have been revoked by judicial fiat, including the right to privacy. Corporate money floods political campaigns in the name of &quot;free speech.&quot; The United States is a failed democracy and a mafia state, the natural result of what happens when capitalism is deregulated.
**[[Chris Hedges]], [https://www.salon.com/2020/07/16/chris-hedges-america-faces-a-historic-choice--ugly-corporate-tyranny-or-revolution '''Chris Hedges: America faces a historic choice — &quot;ugly corporate tyranny&quot; or revolution''', Chuncey Devega, ''Salon''] (16 July 2020)

* Farmers! Go to America! There, neither princes nor nobles exist; there, all people are equal.
** Heine, as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=MVPlvgCOUbIC&amp;pg=PA33&amp;dq=%22German+farmers!+Go+to+America!+There,+neither+princes+nor+nobles+exist;+there,+all+people+are+equal%27&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0ahUKEwjU0e3Pi7rMAhUEroMKHU1PApQQ6AEIHjAA#v=onepage&amp;q=%22German%20farmers!%20Go%20to%20America!%20There%2C%20neither%20princes%20nor%20nobles%20exist%3B%20there%2C%20all%20people%20are%20equal'&amp;f=false ''Anti-Americanism: Causes and Sources''], edited by Brendon O'Connor, Martin Griffiths, p. 33

* Americans are considered crazy anywhere in the world.
** [[Robert A. Heinlein|Robert Heinlein]], [http://www.math.union.edu/~dpvc/courses/2010-11/mth053-fa10/assignments/crooked-house.pdf ''And He Built a Crooked House''], p. 1.

* From the first days of our nation, Americans have challenged America to be better. It's a noisy process, sometimes raucous, sometimes even ungraceful. But the result is unmistakable. From its beginning, our nation has traveled an arc of change that has led us away from oppression and toward equality and justice. We have meandered to be sure, and sometimes we have taken steps backward. But the general arc of change is undeniable. By the efforts of every generation we have progressed, become a better nation. More just, more tolerant. Citizenship is an invitation to join in that process of change, to join the chorus of Americans challenging America to be better. We challenge ourselves in a million ways, by acts and words. A gesture on a street corner challenges others to be as kind. Putting our children on the school bus each morning challenges us to be as conscientious. We challenge America to improve by voting or volunteering or raking your neighbor’s leaves, by teaching tolerance and confronting intolerance. Joining this process of national improvement is perhaps the greatest of all the privileges of being an American citizen. As we sit here today, I ask you to think for a moment about the path to citizenship.
** [[w:John Hennessey|John Hennessey]], [https://fredericksburghistory.wordpress.com/2015/06/09/history-citizenship-and-a-better-nation/#more-2399 naturalization speech] (June 2015).

* 153 years ago, had we been sitting on these heights, looking over this river in the midst of civil war, we would likely have seen something curious on the river. Rafts, hastily made, barely water-worthy, bearing families with all their possessions, pushing themselves across the river from Fredericksburg to this shore. These were former slaves, run away from bondage. They came here seeking precisely what you have achieved today. By their coming, months before the [[emancipation proclamation]], they were doing what Americans have always done. They challenged America, as if to say, 'We have left bondage to be free. What will you do with us now?' In the spring and summer of 1862, as many as ten thousand former slaves crossed the Rappahannock River to freedom, some of them likely walking these terraces in freedom, looking down upon the river as others followed their path. These men and women and babies and toddlers and boys and girls did not see their acts as momentous for anyone but themselves, but today we can see that their acts were momentous in many ways. By challenging America to accept their determination that they would no longer suffer bondage, they pushed the nation along that arc toward justice, away from oppression. Seven months later, [[Abraham Lincoln]] signed the Emancipation Proclamation. And three years after that Congress sent to the states the Fourteenth Amendment, according these former slaves the thing they aspired to most beyond freedom. Citizenship. These people did not just walk the path to citizenship, they blazed a trail where none had existed. They, like you, were determined, courageous souls. I hope you will find inspiration from them, just as we derive inspiration from you. We congratulate you. We join you in celebrating life as Americans.  And, we welcome you to the noisy business of being a citizen. And now, mindful that the virtues of our nation come from its people, we bid you, our nation’s newest citizen, to go challenge America to be better still.
** [[w:John Hennessey|John Hennessey]], [https://fredericksburghistory.wordpress.com/2015/06/09/history-citizenship-and-a-better-nation/#more-2399 naturalization speech] (June 2015).

* A friend last weekend said he thought the story about the University of New Hampshire's website publishing a bias-free language guide, which declared that use of the word &quot;American&quot; is &quot;problematic,&quot; was a hoax. Of course, it was real.
** [[Daniel Henninger]], [http://friesian.com/antiam.htm &quot;The Joy of Madness&quot;], ''The Wall Street Journal'' (17 September 2015), A13.

* I know that's hard for you to accept, but [[George W. Bush|George]] kind of knocked it out of the park. I can tell you, and I'm actually here to tell you that America now has five million people being kept alive by these drugs. That's something that everyone should know.
** [[w:Bono|Paul D. Hewson]], ''[https://web.archive.org/web/20130427065241/http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/politics/2013/04/george-w-bushs-legacy-on-africa-wins-praise-even-from-foes/ Daily Show]'' (2012).

* We're Americans. We'd die on our feet than live on our knees.
** Clay Higgins, [http://www.katc.com/clip/12221607/captain-higgins-targets-gang-members ''Stand Up America''] (February 2016)

* The United States, for example, has never had a President as bad as [[w:George III of the United Kingdom|George III]], but neither has Britain had a king as admirable as [[George Washington]] (of whom William Thackeray rightly said that 'his glory will descend to remotest ages' while the memory of the sovereign went the other way).
** [[Christopher Hitchens]], ''[https://books.google.co.uk/books?id=stfi0I6zcXwC&amp;lpg=PP1&amp;dq=the%20monarchy%20a%20critique&amp;pg=PP1#v=onepage&amp;q=the%20monarchy%20a%20critique&amp;f=false The Monarchy: A Critique of Britain's Favourite Fetish]'' (1990), Random House.

* The gigantic North American state, with the enormous resources of its virgin soil, is much more invulnerable than the encircled German Reich. Should a day come when the die which will finally decide the destinies of the nations will have to be cast in that country, England would be doomed if she stood alone.
** [[Adolf Hitler]], ''[[w:Mein Kampf|Mein Kampf]]'' (1925).

* It almost seems that nobody can hate America as much as native Americans. America needs new immigrants to love and cherish it.
** [[Eric Hoffer]], as quoted in &quot;Thoughts of Eric Hoffer, Including: 'Absolute Faith Corrupts Absolutely'&quot;, ''The New York Times Magazine'' (25 April 1971), p. 25.

* If we are to make progress in this area we must feel comfortable enough with one another, and tolerant enough of each other, to have frank conversations.
** [[Eric Holder]], [http://www.usdoj.gov/ag/speeches/2009/ag-speech-090218.html ''Remarks at the Department of Justice African American History Month Program''] (18 February 2009).

* The first time that I went to the [[w:United States|United States]] was in 1974... I was 20 years old. America was in crisis. The dollar was at a low. The Watergate scandal had already erupted. And I still remember this vision I had of [[New York City|New York]], which was a huge, fascinating city, dirty and violent. And I’ve been to the U.S. regularly, but what impresses me most in this large [[nation]] is its capacity to overcome hardship and return to the heights.
** [[François Hollande]], as quoted in [http://time.com/4936/exclusive-france-president-francois-hollande-time/ &quot;Exclusive: President François Hollande Talks Syria, Spies and Secrets With TIME&quot;] (5 February 2014), by Catherine Mayer, ''Time''.

* The core foundational values of the United States have been built upon immigration, upon welcoming refugees, upon creating a society that's very diverse.
** Jill Holslin, as quoted in [https://www.pbs.org/newshour/show/will-trumps-wall-ever-be-built &quot;Will Trump's Wall Ever Be Built?&quot;] (22 January 2018), ''PBS NewsHour''

* I am convinced that America's soul, pulverized by racism, embattled by sexism, over-whelmed by indifference and immorality, polluted with industrial waste, strangled by idiotic government partisanship, over-burdened by taxation, poisoned by an unprincipled media, orphaned by the super-rich, and bilked by the insurance industry can still rise up against these unbearable odds and triumph.
** Bil Holton, [http://www.amazon.com/America-Is-My-Home-Acronym/ ''America Is My Home: The Story of Uncle Sam''], p. iii

* You convey too great a compliment when you say that I have earned the right to the presidential nomination. No man can establish such an obligation upon any part of the American people. My country owes me no debt. It gave me, as it gives every boy and girl, a chance. It gave me schooling, independence of action, opportunity for service and honor. In no other land could a boy from a country village, without inheritance or influential friends, look forward with unbounded hope. My whole life has taught me what America means. I am indebted to my country beyond any human power to repay.
** [[Herbert Hoover]], letter to Senator George H. Moses, chairman of the Republican national convention, upon learning of his nomination for president (14 June 1928). As quoted in ''The Memoirs of Herbert Hoover'' (1952), volume 2, p. 195.

* There are some issues that transcend politics. While my position is certainly political, I am an American first. There should never be a day in the United States of America when people are excluded based solely on their race or religion. It is un-Republican. It is unconstitutional. And it is un-American.
** [[w:Jennifer Horn|Jennifer Horn]], as quoted in [http://www.cbsnews.com/news/dick-cheney-more-conservatives-slam-trumps-proposal-to-keep-muslims-out-of-u-s/ &quot;Dick Cheney, more conservatives slam Trump's proposal to keep Muslims out of U.S.&quot;] (7 December 2015), by Stephanie Condon, ''CBS News'', CBS

* Ironically, the founders of the republic have been hailed and lionized by left, right, and center for—in effect—creating the first apartheid state.
** [[Gerald Horne]], ''The Counter-Revolution of 1776: Slave Resistance and the Origins of the United States of America'' ([[w:New York University Press|New York University Press]]: 2014), p. 4

* The Americans are great peoples. The Americans are optimistic, full of enterprising drive, down to earth, and innovative. In just over 200 years, they have turned the United States into the most [[developed country]] in the world, and made phenomenal achievements in {{w|economic development}} and [[science]] and [[technology]].
** [[Hu Jintao|Jintao Hu]], as quoted in [https://web.archive.org/web/20130503110022/http://georgewbush-whitehouse.archives.gov/news/releases/2006/04/20060420.html &quot;President Bush and President Hu of People's Republic of China Participate in Arrival Ceremony &quot;] (20 April 2006), Washington, D.C.: White House.

* The United States is the worldwide beacon of free elections and the republican form of government... We've been holding elections in the U.S. for the past 223 years.
** [[w:Mike Hubbard (politician)|Mike Hubbard]], as quoted in [https://web.archive.org/web/20130911132835/http://yellowhammernews.com/blog/hubbard-moves-to-block-united-nations-poll-watchers-from-operating-in-alabama/ &quot;Hubbard Moves to Block United Nations Poll Watchers from Operating in Alabama&quot;] (22 October 2012), by Cliff Sims, ''Yellow Hammer News'', Alabama

* There does exist a distinctly American way of life which properly ought to be preserved. But it is not defined by race. The American way of life is defined by philosophy. To be American in the spiritual sense is to affirm 'that all men are created equal and endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights.' There is nothing racial in that conviction. Anyone, from any background, can adopt it... The American nation emerged unique, defined not by its shared ethnic or racial or religious identity, but by its shared allegiance to liberty... [R]acism should be opposed, not because it offends, but because it denies the nature of human beings as individuals and places a group above them. Collectivism comes in many forms, with beneficiaries defined on different terms. But whether it's the nation, the race, the faith, the tribe, or any other overriding entity, no group has the right to subordinate individuals, ever, under any circumstances. That is the American way of life.
** Walter Hudson, [https://web.archive.org/web/20160607041718/https://pjmedia.com/trending/2016/06/03/the-alt-right-is-evil-and-must-be-opposed/?singlepage=true &quot;The Alt-Right Is Evil and Must Be Opposed&quot;] (3 June 2016), ''PJ Media''

* To remain the world's shining city on a hill and beacon of hope to many, we should have our arms open to those who are fleeing oppression and seeking safety, not turning them away at the door.
** Randy Hultgren, [https://hultgren.house.gov/newsroom/press-releases/hultgren-statement-on-executive-order-on-visas-and-immigration Statement on Executive Order] (2017)

* The United States is a country rich in many things, but poor in knowledge of itself with regard to language.
** [[w:Dell Hymes|Dell Hymes]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=adYLAQAAQBAJ&amp;pg=PT454&amp;lpg=PT454&amp;dq=john+rickford+finn&amp;source=bl&amp;ots=sAU6bau6zy&amp;sig=UzK_s_y52sZgD1gBdeJXvZ9Jclc&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0ahUKEwiYzofqnOvJAhVCdz4KHYtADtMQ6AEIRTAI#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false ''Language in the USA''] (1981)

==I==
* What constitutes an American? Not color nor race nor religion. Not the pedigree of his family nor the place of his birth. Not the coincidence of his citizenship. Not his social status nor his bank account. Not his trade nor his profession. An American is one who loves justice and believes in the dignity of man. An American is one who will fight for his freedom and that of his neighbor. An American is one who will sacrifice... An American is one in whose heart is engraved the immortal second sentence of the ''Declaration of Independence''. Americans have always known how to fight for their rights and their way of life. Americans are not afraid to fight. They fight joyously in a just cause.
** [[Harold L. Ickes]], [http://www.historyplace.com/speeches/ickes.htm What Is An American?] (18 May 1941)

* Working side by side, in war and peace! Catholics, Protestants, Jews.
** [[w:Institute for American Democracy|Institute for American Democracy]], [http://digitalcollections.mcmaster.ca/institute-american-democracy-poster-1945 &quot;Working Side By Side!&quot;] (1945), ''Institute for American Democracy'', Institute for American Democracy

==J==
[[File:Stop Police Terror Project DC Rally 8089890.JPG|thumb|The essence of a U.S.A. [[totalitarian]] socio-political [[capitalism]] is concealed behind the [[illusion]] of a mass participatory [[society]]. We must rip away its [[mask]]. ~ [[George L. Jackson]]]]
[[File:New_York_Police_Department_officers.jpg|thumb|You don't have to bribe the police here; they're satisfied. ~ Tamar Jacoby]]
[[File:United_States_Declaration_of_Independence.jpg|thumb|[[w:United States|We]] hold these truths to be self-evident, that [[w:All men are created equal|all men are created equal]]. ~ [[Thomas Jefferson]]]]
[[File:Great Seal of the United States (reverse).svg|thumb|Above the pyramid on the great seal of the United States it says, in Latin, 'God has favored our undertaking'. God will not favor everything that we do. It is rather our duty to divine his will. ~ [[Lyndon B. Johnson]]]]
[[File:US Army 52416 The American Soldier, 1781.jpg|thumb|This was the first nation in the history of the world to be founded with a purpose. The great phrases of that purpose still sound in every American heart, north and south. All men are created equal. Government by consent of the governed. Give me liberty or give me death. Well, those are not just clever words, or those are not just empty theories. In their name Americans have fought and died. ~ [[Lyndon B. Johnson]]]]
[[File:US Navy 101009-N-7191M-072 Sailors take the oath of allegiance during a naturalization ceremony in the foc'sle aboard the aircraft carrier USS Geor.jpg|thumb|We are one nation and one people. Our fate as a nation and our future as a people rest not upon one citizen, but upon all citizens. ~ [[Lyndon B. Johnson]]]]
[[File:Parade in Disney Village 3.jpg|thumb|For every generation, there is a destiny. For some, history decides. For this generation, the choice must be our own. Our mission is at once the oldest and the most basic of this country. To right wrong, to do justice, to serve man. ~ [[Lyndon B. Johnson]]]]
[[File:ArlingtonCemetery.jpg|thumb|To deny a man his hopes because of his color or race, his religion or the place of his birth&amp;ndash;is not only to do injustice, it is to deny America and to dishonor the dead who gave their lives for American freedom. ~ [[Lyndon B. Johnson]]]]
[[File:An Appeal to Heaven Flag.svg|thumb|At times history and fate meet at a single time in a single place to shape a turning point in man's unending search for freedom. So it was at [[w:Battles of Lexington and Concord|Lexington and Concord]]. ~ [[Lyndon B. Johnson]]]]
[[File:The March to Valley Forge William Trego.png|thumb|Americans of every race and color have died in battle to protect our freedom. Americans of every race and color have worked to build a nation of widening opportunities. Now our generation of Americans has been called on to continue the unending search for justice within our own borders. We believe that all men are created equal. ~ [[Lyndon B. Johnson]]]]
* As sons of freedom [[w:African American|you]] are now called upon to defend your most inestimable blessing. As Americans, [[w:United States|your country]] looks with confidence on [[w:African American|her adopted children]], for a valorous support, as a faithful return for the advantages enjoyed under her mild and equitable government.
** [[Andrew Jackson]], in New Orleans, Louisiana, 1814. As quoted in ''[https://web.archive.org/web/20111029143820/http://home.nas.com/lopresti/ps7.htm The Life of Andrew Jackson]'' (1967), by John Spencer Bassett, Archon Books. p. 156-157.

* Our Federal Union! It must be preserved!
** [[Andrew Jackson]], toast at a celebration of [[Thomas Jefferson]]'s birthday (13 April 1830); as quoted in ''Public Men and Events from the Commencement of Mr. Monroe's Administration, in 1817, to the Close of Mr. Fillmore's Administration, in 1853'' (1875) by Nathan Sargent.

* To say that any state may at pleasure secede from the Union, is to say that the United States are not a nation because it would be a solecism to contend that any part of a nation might dissolve its connection with the other parts, to their injury or ruin, without committing any offense.
** [[Andrew Jackson]], ''[[s:President Jackson's Proclamation against the Nullification Ordinance of South Carolina|Proclamation against the Nullification Ordinance of South Carolina]]'' (11 December 1832).

* The fascist arrangement tolerates the existence of no valid revolutionary activity. It has programmed into its very nature a massive, complex and automatic defense mechanism for all our old methods for raising the consciousness of a potentially revolutionary class of people. The essence of a U.S.A. totalitarian socio-political capitalism is concealed behind the illusion of a mass participatory society. We must rip away its mask. Then the debate can end, and we can enter a new phase of struggle based on the development of an armed revolutionary culture that will triumph. 
** [[George Jackson (activist)|George L. Jackson]], ''Blood in My Eye'' (1971)
*America is not like a blanket -- one piece of unbroken cloth, the same color, the same texture, the same size. America is more like a quilt: many patches, many pieces, many colors, many sizes, all woven and held together by a common thread. The [[White people|white]], the [[w:Hispanic|Hispanic]], the [[Black people|black]], the [[Arabs|Arab]], the [[Judaism|Jew]], the [[Women|woman]], the [[w:Native Americans in the United States|native American]], the small farmer, the [[businessperson]], the [[Environmentalism|environmentalist]], the peace activist, the [[Youth|young]], the [[old]], the [[lesbian]], the [[gay]], and the [[Disability|disabled]] make up the American quilt.
**[[Jesse Jackson]], [https://www.americanrhetoric.com/speeches/jessejackson1984dnc.htm 1984 Democratic National Convention Address], delivered 18 July 1984, San Francisco

* Once they see that you don't have to bribe the police here, they're satisfied.
**[[w:Tamar Jacoby|Tamar Jacoby]], [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/420974/trump-sideshow-plays-right-democrats-hands-mona-charen ''ImmigrationWorksUSA'']

* I'm not disgusted. I'm a citizen of the United States of America and I'm no second-class citizen either and no man here is, unless he thinks like one and reasons like one and performs like one. This is my country and I believe in her, and I will serve her, and I'll contribute to her welfare whenever and however I can. If she has any ills, I'll stand by her until in God's given time, through her wisdom and her consideration for the welfare of the entire nation, she will put them right.
** [[Daniel James Jr.]], as quoted in ''The Right to Fight: A History of African Americans in The Military'' (1998), by Gerald Astor, De Capo Press, pp. 440–443

* Among us English-speaking peoples especially do the praises of poverty need once more to be boldly sung. We have grown literally afraid to be poor. We despise any one who elects to be poor in order to simplify and save his inner life. If he does not join the general scramble and pant with the money-making street, we deem him spiritless and lacking in ambition. We have lost the power even of imagining what the ancient idealization of poverty could have meant: the liberation from material attachments, the unbribed soul, the manlier indifference, the paying our way by what we are or do and not by what we have, the right to fling away our life at any moment irresponsibly,—the more athletic trim, in short, the moral fighting shape. When we of the so-called better classes are scared as men were never scared in history at material ugliness and hardship; when we put off marriage until our house can be artistic, and quake at the thought of having a child without a bank-account and doomed to manual labor, it is time for thinking men to protest against so unmanly and irreligious a state of opinion.
** [[William James]], ''[[w:The Varieties of Religious Experience|The Varieties of Religious Experience]]'' (1920), p. 368.

* There is much more to being a patriot and a citizen than reciting the pledge or raising a [[flag]]. Patriots serve. Patriots vote. Patriots attend meetings in their community. Patriots pay attention to the actions of government and speak out when needed. Patriots teach their children about our history, our precious democracy and about citizenship. Being an active, engaged citizen means being a patriotic American every day. No [[law]] will make a citizen a patriot.
** [[Jesse Ventura|James Janos]], [http://web.archive.org/web/20020601183408/http://www.freedomforum.org/templates/document.asp?documentID=16297 Explaining his veto] of a bill [HF 2598*/SF 2411/CH 391] requiring public school students to recite the Pledge of Allegiance at least once a week (22 May 2002).

* The Americans are the first people whom heaven has favored with an opportunity of deliberating upon and choosing forms of government under which they should live.
** [[John Jay]], [http://www.johnjayinstitute.org/resources/publications/john-jays-charge-to-the-grand-jury-of-ulster-county-1777-and-charge-to-the/ ''Charge to the Grand Jury of Ulster County''] (1777).

* As a nation we have made peace and war, as a nation we have vanquished our common enemies. As a nation we have formed alliances, and made treaties, and entered into various compacts and conventions with foreign states.
** [[John Jay]], [[s:Federalist No. 2|Federalist No. 2]] (31 October 1787), ''[[w:The Federalist Papers|The Federalist Papers]]''.

* Christianity neither is, nor ever was, a part of the common law.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-01_Bk.pdf  Vol.&amp;nbsp;1 ''Whether Christianity is Part of the Common Law'' (1764)]. Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, p.&amp;nbsp;459.

* [[w:United States|We]] hold these truths to be self-evident, that [[w:All men are created equal|all men are created equal]].
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], ''Declaration of Independence of the United States of America'' (1776).

* We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these united Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], ''Declaration of Independence of the United States of America'' (1776).

* We shall divert through our own Country a branch of commerce which the European States have thought worthy of the most important struggles and sacrifices, and in the event of peace... we shall form to the American union a barrier against the dangerous extension of the British Province of Canada and add to the Empire of liberty an extensive and fertile Country thereby converting dangerous Enemies into valuable friends.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], [http://wiki.monticello.org/mediawiki/index.php/Empire_of_liberty Letter to George Rogers Clark] (25 December 1780).

* It should be [[w:United States|our]] endeavor to cultivate the [[peace]] and [[friendship]] of every [[nation]], even of that which has injured us most, when we shall have carried our point against her. Our interest will be to throw open the doors of [[commerce]], and to knock off all its shackles, giving perfect [[freedom]] to all persons for the vent of whatever they may choose to bring into our ports, and asking the same in theirs. Never was so much false arithmetic employed on any subject, as that which has been employed to persuade nations that it is their interest to go to [[war]].
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], ''[[Notes on the State of Virginia]]'' (1785), Query XXII.

* The acquisition of Canada this year, as far as the neighborhood of Quebec, will be a mere matter of marching, and will give us experience for the attack of Halifax the next, and the final expulsion of England from the American continent.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], statement during an early stage of the [[w:War of 1812|War of 1812]], in a letter to William Duane (4 August 1812).

* [[w:United States|This]] is [[w:African American|your]] country as well as anybody else's country. This country is founded upon the principle of equality. He that is meritorious and virtuous, intellectual and well informed, must stand highest, without regard to color.
** [[Andrew Johnson]] (1865), as quoted in [http://web.archive.org/web/20110316175449/http://home.nas.com/lopresti/ps17.htm ''Andrew Johnson: A Profile''] (1969), &quot;Johnson and the Negro&quot;, by Lawanda Cox and John H. Cox; edited by Eric L. McKitrick, Hill &amp; Wang, New York pp. 141.

* I always feel quite [[w:United States|American]], I just grew up in [[Germany]].
** [[w:Fabian Johnson|Fabian Marco Johnson]], as quoted in [http://www.theguardian.com/football/2015/may/05/usmnts-fabian-johnson-interview-i-always-felt-american-i-just-grew-up-in-germany &quot;USMNT's Fabian Johnson interview&quot;] (5 May 2015), by Jack Kerr, ''The Guardian'', United Kingdom.

* I think most of the people were just happy about it, that I took the chance to play for [[w:United States|the U.S.]] They were just trying to support me however they can.
** [[w:Fabian Johnson|Fabian Marco Johnson]], as quoted in [http://www.theguardian.com/football/2015/may/05/usmnts-fabian-johnson-interview-i-always-felt-american-i-just-grew-up-in-germany &quot;USMNT's Fabian Johnson interview&quot;] (5 May 2015), by Jack Kerr, ''The Guardian'', United Kingdom.

* Amerika faces no meaningful threat to its security except from those who live within its own territorial borders. The domestic upheavals of the 1960’s and 70’s taught empire some valuable lessons on just how dangerous an informed and discontent population can be. As a result, and through a steady application of misinformation, carrots, and sticks, empire has worked steadily to drain the focus, resolve, and militancy of the informed and discontented. From that point to this, empire has manufactured a discontinuity in popular struggle, while maintaining continuity in its own growth and consolidation. One of the empire’s principal tools and weapons has been its prisons.
** [[Kevin Rashid Johnson]], ''Defying the Tomb: Selected Prison Writings and Art of Kevin Rashid Johnson'' (2010)

* And let all know we will extend no special privilege and impose no persecution. We will carry on the fight against poverty, and misery, and disease, and ignorance, in other lands and in our own. We will serve all the nation, not one section or one sector, or one group, but all Americans. These are the United States: A united people with a united purpose. Our American unity does not depend upon unanimity. We have differences; but now, as in the past, we can derive from those differences strength, not weakness, wisdom, not despair. Both as a people and a government, we can unite upon a program, a program which is wise and just, enlightened and constructive.
** Lyndon B. Johnson, [https://www.americanrhetoric.com/speeches/lbjletuscontinue.html Let Us Continue], delivered 27 November 1963, U.S. Capitol Building, Washington, D.C.
* The challenge of the next half century is whether we have the wisdom to use that wealth to enrich and elevate our national life, and to advance the quality of our American civilization.
** [[Lyndon B. Johnson]], remarks at the University of Michigan, Ann Arbor (22 May 1964), as quoted in ''Public Papers of the Presidents of the United States: Lyndon B. Johnson, 1963–64'', book 1, p. 704.

* Fuck your parliament and your constitution. America is an elephant. Cyprus is a flea. [[Greece]] is a flea. If these two fleas continue itching the elephant, they may just get whacked good. We pay a lot of good American dollars to the Greeks, Mister Ambassador. If your Prime Minister gives me talk about democracy, parliament and constitution, he, his parliament and his constitution may not last long.
** [[Lyndon B. Johnson]], comment to the Greek ambassador to the United States, Alexander Matsas, over the Cypriot issue (June 1964). As quoted in ''I Should Have Died'' (1977) by Philip Deane, pp. 113-114.

* Americans of every race and color have died in battle to protect our freedom. Americans of every race and color have worked to build a nation of widening opportunities. Now our generation of Americans has been called on to continue the unending search for justice within our own borders. We believe that all men are created equal. Yet many are denied equal treatment. We believe that all men have certain unalienable rights. Yet many Americans do not enjoy those rights. We believe that all men are entitled to the blessings of liberty. Yet millions are being deprived of those blessings--not because of their own failures, but because of the color of their skin. The reasons are deeply embedded in history and tradition and the nature of man. We can understand--without rancor or hatred--how this all happened. But it cannot continue. Our Constitution, the foundation of our Republic, forbids it. The principles of our freedom forbid it. Morality forbids it.
** [[Lyndon B. Johnson]], [http://www.lbjlib.utexas.edu/johnson/archives.hom/speeches.hom/640702.asp bill signing speech] (2 July 1964).

* We are one nation and one people. Our fate as a nation and our future as a people rest not upon one citizen, but upon all citizens. This is the majesty and the meaning of this moment. For every generation, there is a destiny. For some, history decides. For this generation, the choice must be our own. Our mission is at once the oldest and the most basic of this country. To right wrong, to do justice, to serve man.
** [[Lyndon B. Johnson]], [http://www.bartleby.com/124/pres57.html inaugural address] (20 January 1965).

* In this same month ninety-five years ago, on March 30, 1870, the Constitution of the United States was amended for the fifteenth time to guarantee that no citizen of our land should be denied the right to vote because of race or color. The command of the [[w:Fifteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution|Fifteenth Amendment]] is unequivocal and its equal force upon State Governments and the Federal Government is unarguable. Section 1 of this Amendment provides: The right of citizens of the United States to vote shah not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of race, color, or previous condition of servitude. By the oath I have taken 'to preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States', duty directs, and strong personal conviction impels, that I advise the Congress that action is necessary, and necessary now, if the Constitution is to be upheld and the rights of all citizens are not to be mocked, abused and denied.
** [[Lyndon B. Johnson]], [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=26806&amp;st=&amp;st1=#axzz2foHNK9TC ''Special Message to the Congress on the Right To Vote''] (15 March 1965), Washington, D.C.

* At times history and fate meet at a single time in a single place to shape a turning point in man's unending search for freedom. So it was at [[w:Battles of Lexington and Concord|Lexington and Concord]]... There is no cause for self-satisfaction in the long denial of equal rights of millions of Americans. But there is cause for hope and for faith in our democracy... For the cries of pain and the hymns and protests of oppressed people have summoned into convocation all the majesty of this great Government, the government of [[w:United States|the greatest nation on Earth]]. Our mission is at once the oldest and the most basic of this country. To right wrong, to do justice, to serve man.
** [[Lyndon B. Johnson]], [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=26805&amp;st=&amp;st1=#axzz2foHNK9TC ''The American Promise''] (15 March 1965), Washington, D.C.

* This was the first nation in the history of the world to be founded with a purpose. The great phrases of that purpose still sound in every American heart, North and South. 'All men are created equal', 'government by consent of the governed', 'give me liberty or give me death'. Well, those are not just clever words, or those are not just empty theories. In their name Americans have fought and died for two centuries, and tonight around the world they stand there as guardians of our liberty, risking their lives. Those words are a promise to every citizen that he shall share in the dignity of man. This dignity cannot be found in a man's possessions; it cannot be found in his power, or in his position. It really rests on his right to be treated as a man equal in opportunity to all others. It says that he shall share in freedom, he shall choose his leaders, educate his children, and provide for his family according to his ability and his merits as a human being.
** [[Lyndon B. Johnson]], [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=26805&amp;st=&amp;st1=#axzz2foHNK9TC ''The American Promise''] (15 March 1965), Washington, D.C.

* There is no southern problem; there is no northern problem. There is only an [[w:United States|American]] problem, and we are met here tonight as Americans. Not as [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democrats]] or [[Republican Party (United States)|Republicans]]; we are met here as [[w:United States|Americans]] to solve [[Bigotry|that problem]]... To deny a man his hopes because of his color or race, his religion or the place of his birth&amp;ndash;is not only to do injustice, it is to deny America and to dishonor the dead who gave their lives for American freedom. Our fathers believed that if this noble view of the rights of man was to flourish, it must be rooted in democracy. The most basic right of all was the right to choose your own leaders. The history of this country, in large measure, is the history of the expansion of that right to all of our people.
** [[Lyndon B. Johnson]], [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=26805&amp;st=&amp;st1=#axzz2foHNK9TC ''The American Promise''] (15 March 1965), Washington, D.C.

* All Americans must have the privileges of citizenship regardless of race. And they are going to have those privileges of citizenship regardless of race. But I would like to caution you and remind you that to exercise these privileges takes much more than just legal right. It requires a trained mind and a healthy body. It requires a decent home, and the chance to find a job, and the opportunity to escape from the clutches of poverty. Of course, people cannot contribute to the Nation if they are never taught to read or write, if their bodies are stunted from hunger, if their sickness goes untended, if their life is spent in hopeless poverty just drawing a welfare check. So we want to open the gates to opportunity. But we are also going to give all our people, black and white, the help that they need to walk through those gates.
** [[Lyndon B. Johnson]], [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=26805&amp;st=&amp;st1=#axzz2foHNK9TC ''The American Promise''] (15 March 1965), Washington, D.C.

* Every American citizen must have an equal right to vote. There is no reason which can excuse the denial of that right. There is no duty which weighs more heavily on us than the duty we have to ensure that right... It is wrong, deadly wrong, to deny any of your fellow Americans the right to vote in this country. There is no issue of states' rights or national rights. There is only the struggle for human rights... Above the pyramid on the great seal of the United States it says, in Latin: 'God has favored our undertaking.' God will not favor everything that we do. It is rather our duty to divine His will. But I cannot help believing that He truly understands and that He really favors the undertaking that we begin here tonight.
** [[Lyndon B. Johnson]], [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=26805&amp;st=&amp;st1=#axzz2foHNK9TC ''The American Promise''] (15 March 1965), Washington, D.C.

* Those wishing to immigrate to America shall be admitted on the basis of their skills and their close relationship to those already here. This is a simple test, and it is a fair test. Those who can contribute most to this country; to its growth, to its strength, to its spirit; will be the first that are admitted to this land. The fairness of this standard is so self-evident that we may well wonder that it has not always been applied. Yet the fact is that for over four decades the immigration policy of the United States has been twisted and has been distorted by the harsh injustice of the national origins quota system. Under that system the ability of new immigrants to come to America depended upon the country of their birth. Only 3 countries were allowed to supply 70 percent of all the immigrants. Families were kept apart because a husband or a wife or a child had been born in the wrong place. Men of needed skill and talent were denied entrance because they came from southern or eastern Europe or from one of the developing continents. This system violated the basic principle of American democracy; the principle that values and rewards each man on the basis of his merit as a man. It has been un-American in the highest sense, because it has been untrue to the faith that brought thousands to these shores even before we were a country. Today, with my signature, this system is abolished. We can now believe that it will never again shadow the gate to the American Nation with the twin barriers of prejudice and privilege. Our beautiful America was built by a nation of strangers. From a hundred different places or more they have poured forth into an empty land, joining and blending in one mighty and irresistible tide. The land flourished because it was fed from so many sources--because it was nourished by so many cultures and traditions and peoples. And from this experience, almost unique in the history of nations, has come America's attitude toward the rest of the world. We, because of what we are, feel safer and stronger in a world as varied as the people who make it up; a world where no country rules another and all countries can deal with the basic problems of human dignity and deal with those problems in their own way. Now, under the monument which has welcomed so many to our shores, the American nation returns to the finest of its traditions today. The days of unlimited immigration are past. But those who do come will come because of what they are, and not because of the land from which they sprung.
** [[Lyndon B. Johnson]], [http://www.lbjlibrary.org/lyndon-baines-johnson/timeline/lbj-on-immigration Remarks at the Signing of the Immigration Bill] (3 October 1965).

* Our history this year we see in Vietnam. Men there are dying; men named Fernandez and Zajac and Zelinko and Mariano and McCormick. Neither the enemy who killed them nor the people whose independence they have fought to save ever asked them where they or their parents came from. They were all Americans. It was for free men and for America that they gave their all, they gave their lives and selves. By eliminating that same question as a test for immigration the Congress proves ourselves worthy of those men and worthy of our own traditions as a nation.
** [[Lyndon B. Johnson]], [http://www.lbjlibrary.org/lyndon-baines-johnson/timeline/lbj-on-immigration Remarks at the Signing of the Immigration Bill] (3 October 1965).

*There is no cause to doubt the American commitment. Our decision to stand firm has been matched by our desire for peace.
**[[Lyndon B. Johnson]], [http://millercenter.org/president/speeches/speech-4035 State of the Union Address] (12 January 1966).

* I am a free man, an American, a public servant, and a member of my party, in that order always and only. For 37 years in the service of our Nation, first as a Congressman, as a Senator, and as Vice President, and now as your President, I have put the unity of the people first. I have put it ahead of any divisive partisanship. And in these times as in times before, it is true that a house divided against itself by the spirit of faction, of party, of region, of religion, of race, is a house that cannot stand.
** [[Lyndon B. Johnson]], [[w:October surprise|October surprise]] [http://millercenter.virginia.edu/scripps/diglibrary/prezspeeches/johnson/lbj_1968_0331.html address to the nation] (31 March 1968). An allusion to the [[w:Lincoln's House Divided Speech|Abraham Lincoln's House Divided Speech]] and a reference to the Gospel of Matthew, 12:25: &quot;[Every] city or house divided against itself shall not stand.&quot;

* [[England|English]] superiority and American obedience.
** [[Samuel Johnson]], as quoted in [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:BookSources/1-55786-664-3 ''The Life of Samuel Johnson''] (1994), by Robert DeMaria, Jr., Oxford: Blackwell, pp. 252–256.
*A nation is formed by the willingness of each of us to share in the responsibility for upholding the [[common good]]. A government is invigorated when each one of us is willing to participate in shaping the future of this nation. In this election year, we must define the &quot;common good''&quot;'' and begin again to shape a common future. Let each person do his or her part. If one citizen is unwilling to participate, all of us are going to suffer. For the American idea, though it is shared by all of us, is realized in each one of us.
**[[Barbara Jordan]], [https://www.americanrhetoric.com/speeches/barbarajordan1976dnc.html 1976 Democratic National Convention Keynote Address], delivered 12 July 1976, New York, NY

* Thus the American presents a strange picture: a European with Negro behaviour and an Indian soul.
** [[w:Carl Jung|Carl Jung]], ''Civilization in Transition'' (1964), tr. R. F. C. Hull, London: Routledge &amp; Kegan Paul, p. 46.

==K==
[[File:101110-N-6477M-070 Veteran's Day Naturalization Ceremony aboard USS Midway.jpg|thumb|[[w:Eurasia|The old world]] is engaged in a struggle to find a way by which each race living on its own soil, separated by definite national boundaries, can be assured freedom and peace in the full development of its national life and in the realization of international opportunities. The task of America is different. It is for her to find the way by which these races, living on one soil, under one form of government, with no territorial lines, can be assimilated and become a part of her integral national life. ~ [[Frances Kellor]]]]
[[File:DetroitSkyline.jpg|thumb|Every man lives in his neighborhood, and beyond his home and his job. To most men, except in the largest cities, the municipality is interpreted in terms of his neighborhood. Few men get beyond this except through occasional excursions into the larger world. America is a country of parallel neighborhoods; the native American in one section and the immigrant in another. Americanization is the elimination of the parallel line. So long as the American [[Bigotry|thinks that a house in his street is too good for his immigrant neighbor and tolerates discriminations in sanitation, housing, and enforcement of municipal laws]], he can serve on all Americanization committees that exist and still fail in his efforts ~ [[Frances Kellor]]]]
[[File:USS Constitution vs Guerriere.jpg|thumb|America... commands respect throughout the world not only for its strength but for its civilization as well. ~ [[John F. Kennedy|John Fitzgerald Kennedy]]]]
[[File:Infantry, Continental Army, 1779-1783.jpg|thumb|This nation was founded by men of many nations and backgrounds. It was founded on the principle that all men are created equal, and that the rights of every man are diminished when the rights of one man are threatened. ~ [[John Fitzgerald Kennedy]]]]
[[File:Battle erie.jpg|thumb|Our goal is freedom, and I believe we are going to get there because however much she strays away from it, the goal of America is [[freedom]]. ~ [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]]]]
[[File:Seal of the President of the United States.svg|thumb|The United States is a monarchy with an elective king. ~ ''The Knoxville Journal'']]
* Thus are assaults on patriotism failures of character. They are made by privileged people who enjoy the full benefits offered by the country they deride and detest, but they lack the basic decency to pay it the allegiance and respect that honor demands. But honor, of course, is also an object of their derision... In the long and deadly battle against those who hate... and hate America in particular, we must be powerfully armed, morally as well as materially. To sustain us through the worst times we need courage and unity, and these must rest on a justified and informed patriotism.
** [[w:Donald Kagan|Donald Kagan]], [http://friesian.com/antiam.htm &quot;Democracy Requires a Patriotic Education&quot;] (28 September 2014), ''The Wall Street Journal'', p. A13.

* The dismissiveness of Americans never ceases to exasperate me... Americans reflexively believe that had [[Germany]] occupied the United States, nearly all of us would have joined an armed resistance to the Nazis. That's what I thought, too, when I was 16. But that reflects a hopelessly naive view, both of what the world looked like to most people after the Nazis had conquered Austria, Poland, Czechoslovakia, Holland, Belgium, Luxembourg, Denmark, Norway and France, and of what it actually meant to take up arms against an occupying power.
** [[w:Charles Kaiser|Charles Kaiser]], [http://www.cnn.com/2015/05/06/opinions/kaiser-ve-day-french-resistance/index.html &quot;What Americans forget about French resistance&quot;] (7 May 2015), ''Cable News Network'', Atlanta, Georgia.

* A British vessel, stopping on the way back from India at the Comoro Islands in the Mozambique Channel, finds the native inhabitants in revolt against their Arab masters; and when they ask why they have taken arms, are told, 'America is free, could not we be?'
** [[w:Gijsbert Karel van Hogendorp|Gijsbert Karel, Count van Hogendorp]], in 1784, as quoted in &quot;The age of the democratic revolution: a political history of Europe and America, 1760-1860&quot; (1969), by Robert Roswell Palmer.

* The United States is a very different thing. It's a continent-spanning nation built from scratch by millions of immigrants from every part of the world on top of its native population.
** [[Garry Kasparov]], [https://www.amazon.com/Winter-Coming-Vladimir-Enemies-Stopped/dp/1610396200/ref=tmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&amp;qid=&amp;sr= ''Winter is Coming''], p. 42

* [P]oorest people in America live better by and large than dukes and princes.
** [[Leon Kass]], [http://conversationswithbillkristol.org/video/leon-kass/ interview with Bill Kristol] (2015), [http://conversationswithbillkristol.org/transcript/leon-kass-transcript/ transcript]

*This [Australian] society of ours is better than the United States. It’s more even, it’s more fair, we’ve had a 50% increase in real income in the last 20 years. Median America has had zero, zero... We don’t shoot our children in schools and if they were to be shot we’d take the guns off the people who shot them. The Americans do not do this... The idea that… we are some sort of subordinate outfit that has to get a signal from abroad before we think of ours is a complete denial of everything we have created here.
**[[Paul Keating]], [https://www.pedestrian.tv/news/former-pm-paul-keating-just-delivered-some-much-needed-perspective-on-trump/ Former PM Paul Keating Just Delivered Some Much-Needed Perspective On Trump By Matilda Douglas-Henry, ''Pedestrian''] November 10, 2016

* 59 million immigrants have arrived in the United States since 1965, making the nation the top destination in the world for those moving from one country to another.
** Michael Keegan and Jens Michael Krogstad, [http://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2015/10/07/a-shift-from-germany-to-mexico-for-americas-immigrants/ &quot;From Germany to Mexico: How America's source of immigrants has changed over a century&quot;] (7 October 2015), ''Pew Research Center''

* There are accepted definitions of Americanism. There is none of Americanization. The reason is not hard to find. There is in America a national impulse called Americanization, which was understood as a war necessity before it had developed in time of peace. It acquired a generalization before it had become specific. It was subjected to organization and committed to the achievement of results before it was a branch of knowledge fairly evolved and reduced to practice. There is no science of race assimilation. No nation has had a sufficiently free opportunity with many diverse races to establish its enduring principles and certain procedure. America has this opportunity in her thirty-five different races speaking fifty-four languages, of whom 13,000,000 are foreign-born. One third of her total population has its roots in other soils and in diverse cultures. She has the laboratory for the experiment in her wide expanse of territory, much of it still unsettled; in the elasticity of her institutions; and in the still formative state of her cultural life. [[w:Eurasia|The old world]] is engaged in a struggle to find a way by which each race living on its own soil, separated by definite national boundaries, can be assured freedom and peace in the full development of its national life and in the realization of international opportunities. The task of America is different. It is for her to find the way by which these races, living on one soil, under one form of government, with no territorial lines, can be assimilated and become a part of her integral national life.
** [[Frances Kellor]], [https://archive.org/stream/immigrationameri00daviuoft/immigrationameri00daviuoft_djvu.txt &quot;What is Americanization?&quot;] (January 1919), ''Yale Review''.

* Americanization is the process, then, of guaranteeing these fundamental requisites to each man, native and foreign-born alike, and just in proportion as the English language and citizenship interpret these requisites, they are Americanization agencies. The failure of Americanization in the past years is identical with the failure of these guarantees. It is in the home, the shop, the neighborhood, the church, and the court that Americanization is wrought, and the mutual relations of races in America as expressed in them will give the eternal principles of race assimilation that we seek.
** [[Frances Kellor]], [https://archive.org/stream/immigrationameri00daviuoft/immigrationameri00daviuoft_djvu.txt &quot;What is Americanization?&quot;] (January 1919), ''Yale Review''.

* Every man lives in his neighborhood, and beyond his home and his job. To most men, except in the largest cities, the municipality is interpreted in terms of his neighborhood. Few men get beyond this except through occasional excursions into the larger world. America is a country of parallel neighborhoods; the native American in one section and the immigrant in another. Americanization is the elimination of the parallel line. So long as the American [[Bigotry|thinks that a house in his street is too good for his immigrant neighbor and tolerates discriminations in sanitation, housing, and enforcement of municipal laws]], he can serve on all Americanization committees that exist and still fail in his efforts. The immigrant neighborhood is often made up of people who have come from one province in the old country. Inevitably the culture of that neighborhood will be that of the old country; its language will persist and its traditions will flourish. It is not that we undervalue these, or desire to discredit them. But separated from the land and surroundings that gave them birth, from the history that cherishes them, they do not remain the strong, beautiful things they were on the other side. These aliens may retain some of the form of culture of the land of their birth long after its spirit has departed or has lost its savor in a new atmosphere. New opportunities, strange conditions, unforeseen adjustments, necessary sacrifices, and forces unseen and not understood affect the immigrant and his life here, and unless this culture is connected and fused with that of the new world, it loses its vitality or becomes corrupt.
** [[Frances Kellor]], [https://archive.org/stream/immigrationameri00daviuoft/immigrationameri00daviuoft_djvu.txt &quot;What is Americanization?&quot;] (January 1919), ''Yale Review''.

* Americanization having its roots in political ideals cannot be achieved so long as these ideals, as interpreted by the sources of authority in America, mean one thing for the native-born and another thing for the foreign-born; one thing for men and another for women; one thing for employers and another for employees; one thing for the rich and another for the poor; one thing in one State and another thing in an adjoining State. No American who hopes for national unity can spend too much time insisting upon the most painstaking interpretation of the guarantees of American law, even though it takes him into such technical matters as interpreter service, cost of appeals, discriminatory laws, and race prejudices. Every support of a sound Americanism is strong or weak according as justice is done or not done.
** [[Frances Kellor]], [https://archive.org/stream/immigrationameri00daviuoft/immigrationameri00daviuoft_djvu.txt &quot;What is Americanization?&quot;] (January 1919), ''Yale Review''.

* America is no longer afraid of the word culture. In fact, it is considering quite seriously in some quarters having a culture of its own and calling it by that name. This makes it possible to consider as Americanization a recognition of the cultural forces in the various races as expressed in their literature and institutions. There is a growing appreciation of the fraternal and religious forces in the lives of the various races and their indispensable value in race fusion. In the old world, the cultural life of a race is so inextricably associated with their religious life that its first vital contact with American cultural life would seem to proceed along the lines of religious and fraternal development. 
** [[Frances Kellor]], [https://archive.org/stream/immigrationameri00daviuoft/immigrationameri00daviuoft_djvu.txt &quot;What is Americanization?&quot;] (January 1919), ''Yale Review''.

* [[w:United States|This nation]] was founded by men of many nations and backgrounds. It was founded on the principle that [[w:All men are created equal|all men are created equal]], and that the rights of every man are diminished when the rights of one man are threatened.
** [[John F. Kennedy]], Radio and television report to the American people on civil rights (11 June 1963), a quoted in ''Public Papers of the Presidents of the United States: John F. Kennedy'' (1963), p. 468.

* The United States, as the world knows, will never start a war. We do not want a war. We do not now expect a war. This generation of Americans has already had enough -- more than enough -- of war and hate and oppression. We shall be prepared if others wish it. We shall be alert to try to stop it. But we shall also do our part to build a world of peace where the weak are safe and the strong are just. We are not helpless before that task or hopeless of its success. Confident and unafraid, we must labor on -- not towards a strategy of annihilation but towards a strategy of peace.
** [[John F. Kennedy]], [https://www.americanrhetoric.com/speeches/jfkamericanuniversityaddress.html American University Commencement Address], delivered 10 June 1963, Washington, D.C.
* I look forward to an America which commands respect throughout the world not only for its strength but for its civilization as well. And I look forward to a world which will be safe not only for democracy and diversity but also for personal distinction.
** [[John F. Kennedy]], speech at Amherst College, (26 October 1963).

* The [[Irish]] were not wanted there... Now an Irish Catholic is president of the United States... There is no question about it. In the next 40 years a Negro can achieve the same position that my brother has... We have tried to make [[progress]] and we are making progress … we are not going to accept the status quo... The [[w:United States|United States]] [[government]] has taken steps to make sure that the [[constitution of the United States]] applies to [[all]] [[individuals]].
** [[Robert F. Kennedy]], as quoted in an AP report with lead summarizing of remarks stating &quot;Robert F. Kennedy said yesterday that the United States — despite Alabama violence — is moving so fast in race relations a Negro could be President in 40 years.&quot; [http://news.google.com/newspapers?nid=1946&amp;dat=19610527&amp;id=y40tAAAAIBAJ&amp;sjid=F50FAAAAIBAJ&amp;pg=5424,5208719  &quot;Negro President in 40 Years?&quot; in ''Montreal Gazette'' (27 May 1961)]

* If you're a real American that is, an American Indian you're lucky to be alive. For whether he really believed it or not, the white man has acted on the principle that &quot;The only good Indian is a dead one&quot;. This was certainly one of the foundation stones upon which the white European invaders of North America and their descendants established and built the republic of the USA.
** [[:w:Stetson Kennedy|Stetson Kennedy]], ''Jim Crow Guide: The Way it Was'' (1955), Ch.1, &quot;No Room For Redskins&quot;.

* Most of the American laws defining race are not to be compared with those once enforced by Nazi Germany, the latter being relatively more liberal. In the view of the Nazis, persons having less than one fourth Jewish blood could qualify as Aryans, whereas many of the American laws specify that persons having one-eighth, one-sixteenth, or 'any ascertainable' Negro blood are Negroes in the eyes of the law and subject to all restrictions governing the conduct of Negroes.
** [[:w:Stetson Kennedy|Stetson Kennedy]],  ''Jim Crow Guide: The Way it Was'' (1955), Ch.4, &quot;Who is Colored Where&quot;.

* Were I to make the announcement and to run, the reasons I would run is because I have a great belief in this country [America]. … There’s more natural resources than any nation in the world; the greatest education population in the world; the greatest technology of any country in the world; the greatest capacity for innovation in the world; and the greatest political system in the world. 
** [[Ted Kennedy]] answer to “Why do you want to be President,” interview with Roger Mudd, CBS TV documentary (12 Oct 1979). In Jim Lehrer and James Lehrer, Tension City: Inside the Presidential Debates (2011), 184.

* Remember, boys and girls. Your school, like our country, is made up of Americans of many different races, religions, and national origins. So, if you hear anybody talk against a schoolmate or anyone else because of his religion, race, or national origin, don't wait. Tell him that kind of talk is un-American.
** [[Superman|Clark Kent]], [http://i.imgur.com/4T3wPxq.jpg &quot;Help Keep Your School All-American&quot;]&lt;!--http://www.hakes.com/item.asp?AuctionItemID=45031--&gt;&lt;!--http://www.reddit.com/r/MURICA/comments/1ygize/superman_knows_what_it_is_to_be_a_true_murican/--&gt; (1949), National Comics Publishing, Incorporated.

* I hope that there is no jealousy, or even ground of jealousy, on the part of the Americans, but that they know that when their rights come to be discussed here the greatest attention will be paid to their interests. They have long been acquainted with the habits of this country, and with the mode of administering justice here. Until within these few years their causes used to come over here to be discussed, and I never heard that the decisions in our Courts ever awakened the least jealousy in the breasts of the inhabitants of that country.
** [[Lloyd Kenyon, 1st Baron Kenyon|Lord Kenyon]], C.J., ''Wilson v. Marryat'' (1798), 8 T. R. 44, reported in James William Norton-Kyshe, ''The Dictionary of Legal Quotations'' (1904), p. 13.

* [[w:United States|The U.S.]] is a nation built on immigration.
** [[w:Jack Kerr|Jack Kerr]], [http://www.theguardian.com/football/2015/may/05/usmnts-fabian-johnson-interview-i-always-felt-american-i-just-grew-up-in-germany &quot;USMNT's Fabian Johnson interview&quot;] (5 May 2015), ''The Guardian'', United Kingdom.

* Praise the power that hath made and preserved us a nation! Then conquer we must, when our cause it is just!
** [[Francis Scott Key]], &quot;[[w:The Star-Spangled Banner|The Star-Spangled Banner]]&quot; (1814).

* American democracy, maybe, cannot work in a country like mine, you know, in [[Vietnam|South Vietnam]].
** [[Nguyen Khanh]], as quoted in [http://openvault.wgbh.org/catalog/vietnam-f2fe66-interview-with-nguyen-khanh-1981 &quot;Interview with Nguyen Khanh&quot;] (29 April 1981), WGBH Media Library &amp; Archives.

* [[South Korea|Korea]] likes to does whatever America does.
** [[w:Micky Kim|Micky Kim]], as quoted in [http://www.edition.cnn.com/2015/10/18/asia/south-korea-being-gay/index.html &quot;The problem with being gay in South Korea&quot;] (19 October 2015), by Kathy Novak, ''CNN''.

* American society, composed of diverse races and ethnicities, has a lot of tolerance of different kinds of people and can embrace them all as Americans. Korean society, however, is composed of a single ethnicity. It is more intolerant to people of different ethnicity and skin colors. Koreans have a strong bond to people of Korean ethnic origin even when, as in the case of the gunman, a large proportion of their upbringing took place in a different culture. That's why there is widespread mourning and collective guilt over the gunman's behavior and its consequences. It's doubtful whether the South Korean reaction will really help anyone... In its guilt-laden reaction to the Virginia Tech massacre South Korea may be muddling America's healing process. The American reaction is that the crime was committed by a single isolated individual who happened to be South Korean, and that it's not South Korea that committed the crime. But South Korea doesn't seem to make a distinction in this sense... Koreans are in shock and concerned that this incident will have a negative impact on South Korea's well-built reputation and the future treatment of all Koreans in America. But it's solely Korea's perspective, and it's an overreaction.
** Sae-jung Kim, [https://web.archive.org/web/20120618082412/http://english.ohmynews.com/articleview/article_view.asp?no=356853&amp;rel_no=1 &quot;South Korea's Reaction to the Virginia Tech Massacre: Koreans view American feelings through the lens of their own culture&quot;] (19 April 2007), ''OhMyNews: International''.

* My whole opinion about Americans changed completely while escaping from [[North Korea]]. While I was on my way to South Korea, I got caught by Chinese cops and was about to be sent back to North Korea. But thanks to some Americans from a non-profit organization, I was released from the Chinese prison holding North Korean refuges in order to send them back to North Korea. When I first found out about this, I couldn't believe that Americans helped and saved my life. They were so different from the kind of Americans were supposed to be. I couldn't believe that Americans took their time and money in order to help me of different race and nationality. It was hard for me to believe that Americans donated their money to help North Korean refugees like me. At first, I didn't believe all of this. But when my parents who had escaped before me and arrived in Thailand told me all about this in detail, I was so touched. I haven't forgotten how grateful I am since then. To this day, I still think that Americans are the people who saved my life.
** [[w:Kim Yoo-sung|Yoo-sung Kim]], as quoted in [http://www.nknews.org/2015/07/how-north-koreans-view-mixed-marriages/ &quot;How North Koreans view mixed marriages: Attitudes are changing&quot;] (1 July 2015), ''NK News''

* When my family escaped from North Korea, our final destination was America, not South Korea. The reason why we initially chose to immigrate to America was because we received help from an American civic group called [[w:Liberty in North Korea|LiNK]]. At the time my family left North Korea, it cost about $3,000 to take one person out of North Korea and bring them to the immigration office in Thailand. So, it cost approximately $9,000 for the three members of my family to escape from North Korea. Even when I was arrested by Chinese authorities, this American civic group paid to rescue me from the Chinese detention center. For these reasons, I’m still thankful for all the Americans who helped me. I think they literally saved my life. I'm opening with this story because, if I could turn back time, I would choose to immigrate to America, instead of South Korea... I had a chance to visit America in August 2014. To be honest, I didn't love New York City because it was too crowded, hectic and flamboyant. But I absolutely loved other parts of America I visited. They felt like paradise to me. If I could speak English and if U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services would allow me to immigrate to America, I would live in the U.S. rather than South Korea. I don’t know if it will ever happen. Right now, I will continue to work hard for my company so that I can be a valuable employee at the company.
** Yoo-sung Kim, [https://web.archive.org/web/20160414074548/https://www.nknews.org/2016/04/how-south-koreans-treat-north-koreans/ &quot;How South Koreans treat North Koreans&quot;] (13 August 2016), ''NK News''

* It's wrong to hate. It always has been wrong and it always will be wrong. It's wrong in America, it's wrong in [[Germany]], it's wrong in [[Russia]], it's wrong in [[China]]. It was wrong in 2000 B.C., and it's wrong in 1954 A.D. It always has been wrong, and it always will be wrong. It's wrong to throw our lives away in riotous living. No matter if everybody in [[Detroit]] is doing it, it's wrong. It always will be wrong, and it always has been wrong. It's wrong in every age and it's wrong in every nation. Some things are right and some things are wrong, no matter if everybody is doing the contrary.
** [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], [http://mlk-kpp01.stanford.edu/index.php/kingpapers/article/rediscovering_lost_values/ ''Rediscovering Lost Values''] (28 February 1954).

* We are struggling to save the soul of America. We are struggling to save America in this very important decisive hour of her history.
** [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], [http://www5.spelman.edu/about_us/news/pdf/70622_messenger.pdf ''Keep Moving From This Mountain''] (11 April 1960), Spelman College.

* It is a trite yet urgently true observation that if America is to remain a first-class nation, it cannot have second-class citizens.
** [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], [http://mlk-kpp01.stanford.edu/primarydocuments/Vol5/6Sept1960_TheRisingTideofRacialConsciousnessAddressattheGold.pdf address at the Golden Anniversary Conference of the National Urban League] (6 September 1960), New York City, New York.

* We must work assiduously and with determined boldness to remove from the body politic this cancerous disease of discrimination which is preventing our democratic and Christian health from being realized. Then and only then will we be able to bring into full realization the dream of our American democracy, a dream yet unfulfilled. A dream of equality of opportunity, of privilege and property widely distributed; a dream of a land where men will not take necessities from the many to give luxuries to the few; a dream of a land where men do not argue that the color of a man’s skin determines the content of his character, where they recognize that the basic thing about a man is not his specific but his fundamentum.
** [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], [http://mlk-kpp01.stanford.edu/primarydocuments/Vol5/6Sept1960_TheRisingTideofRacialConsciousnessAddressattheGold.pdf address at the Golden Anniversary Conference of the National Urban League] (6 September 1960), New York City, New York.

* The Declaration of Independence proclaimed to a world, organized politically and spiritually around the concept of the inequality of man, that the dignity of human personality was inherent in man as a living being. The Emancipation Proclamation was the offspring of the Declaration of Independence. It was a constructive use of the force of law to uproot a social order which sought to separate liberty from a segment of humanity. Our pride and progress could be unqualified if the story might end here. But history reveals that America has been a schizophrenic personality where these two documents are concerned. On the one hand she has proudly professed the basic principles inherent in both documents. On the other hand she has sadly practiced the antithesis of these principles.
** [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], [http://www.nps.gov/anti/historyculture/mlk-ep.htm ''Emancipation Proclamation Centennial Address''] (12 September 1962).

* I have a dream this evening that one day we will recognize the words of [[Thomas Jefferson|Jefferson]] that &quot;[[United States Declaration of Independence|all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights]], that among these are [[Life]], [[Liberty]] and the pursuit of [[Happiness]].&quot; I have a dream this afternoon.
** [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], [http://mlk-kpp01.stanford.edu/index.php/encyclopedia/documentsentry/doc_speech_at_the_great_march_on_detroit Cobo Center speech] (23 June 1963).

*Let us not wallow in the valley of despair. I say to you today, my friends, that in spite of the difficulties and frustrations of the moment, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in [[w:American Dream|the American dream]]. I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: 'We hold these truths to be self-evident: that [[w:All men are created equal|all men are created equal]]'...
**[[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], ''[[w:I Have A Dream|I Have A Dream]]'' (28 August 1963)
*This will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with a new meaning, 'My country, 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing. Land where my fathers died, land of the pilgrim's pride, from every mountainside, let freedom ring', and if America is to be a great nation, this must become true. And so let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of [[New Hampshire]]. Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of [[New York State|New York]]. Let freedom ring from the heightening [[Allegheny Mountains|Alleghenies]] of [[Pennsylvania]]. Let freedom ring from the snow-capped [[w:Rocky Mountains|Rockies]] of [[w:Colorado|Colorado]]. Let freedom ring from the curvaceous slopes of [[California]]. But not only that: Let freedom ring from [[Stone Mountain]] of [[Georgia (U.S. state)|Georgia]]. Let freedom ring from [[w:Lookout Mountain|Lookout Mountain]] of [[Tennessee]]. Let freedom ring from every hill and molehill of [[Mississippi]]. From every mountainside, let freedom ring.
** [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], ''[[w:I Have A Dream|I Have A Dream]]'' (28 August 1963)

* We must face the fact that in America, the church is still the most segregated major institution in America. At 11:00 on Sunday morning when we stand and sing and Christ has no east or west, we stand at the most segregated hour in this nation. This is tragic. Nobody of honesty can overlook this. Now, I'm sure that if the church had taken a stronger stand all along, we wouldn't have many of the problems that we have. The first way that the church can repent, the first way that it can move out into the arena of social reform is to remove the yoke of segregation from its own body.
** [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], [http://www.wmich.edu/sites/default/files/attachments/MLK.pdf interview at the Herman W. Read Fieldhouse] (18 December 1963), Western Michigan University.

* In the past ten years unarmed gallant men and women of the United States have given living testimony to the moral power and efficacy of nonviolence. By the thousands, faceless, anonymous, relentless young people, black and white, have temporarily left the ivory towers of learning for the barricades of bias. Their courageous and disciplined activities have come as a refreshing oasis in a desert sweltering with the heat of injustice. They have taken our whole nation back to those great wells of democracy which were dug deep by the founding fathers in the formulation of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence. One day all of America will be proud of their achievements.
** [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], [http://www.nobelprize.org/nobel_prizes/peace/laureates/1964/king-lecture.html#footnote ''The Quest For Peace and Justice''] (11 December 1964).

* If the worst in American life lurked in its dark streets, the best of American instincts arose passionately from across the nation to overcome it.
** [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], [http://mlk-kpp01.stanford.edu/index.php/kingpapers/article/our_god_is_marching_on/ ''Our God Is Marching On!''] (25 March 1965).

* &lt;p&gt;We as a nation must undergo a radical revolution of values. We must rapidly begin the shift from a thing-oriented society to a person-oriented society. When machines and computers, profit motives and property rights are considered more important than people, the giant triplets of [[racism]], [[Military|militarism]] and economic exploitation are incapable of being conquered...&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Don't let anybody make you think God chose America as his divine messianic force to be a sort of policeman of the whole world.&lt;/p&gt;
** [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], [http://www.informationclearinghouse.info/article16183.htm ''Why I Am Opposed to the War in Vietnam''] (30 April 1967), Ebenezer Baptist Church, Atlanta, Georgia

* In the final analysis the weakness of Black Power is its failure to see that the black man needs the white man and the white man needs the black man. However much we may try to romanticize the slogan, there is no separate black path to power and fulfillment that dies not intersect white paths, and there is no separate white path to power and fulfillment, short of social disaster, that does not share that power with black aspirations for freedom and human dignity. We are bound together in a single garment of destiny. The language, the cultural patterns, the music, the material prosperity, and even the food of America are an amalgam of black and white.
** [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], ''{{w|Where Do We Go from Here: Chaos or Community?}}'' (1967).

* Many of the ugly pages of American history have been obscured and forgotten. A society is always eager to cover misdeeds with a cloak of forgetfulness, but no society can fully repress an ugly past when the ravages persist into the present. America owes a debt of justice which it has only begun to pay.
** [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], ''{{w|Where Do We Go from Here: Chaos or Community?}}'' (1967), p. 109.

* America, you must be born again... Let us be dissatisfied until America will no longer have a high blood pressure of creeds and an anemia of deeds.
** [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], ''[http://mlk-kpp01.stanford.edu/index.php/encyclopedia/documentsentry/where_do_we_go_from_here_delivered_at_the_11th_annual_sclc_convention/ Where Do We Go from Here]'' (16 August 1967),  Southern Christian Leadership Conference.

* America stopped murder, but that is not the same thing as ordaining brotherhood; nor is the ending of lynch rule the same thing as inaugurating justice.
** [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], [https://www.apa.org/monitor/features/king-challenge.aspx ''The Role of the Behavioral Scientist in the Civil Rights Movement''] (September 1967).

* I must say tonight that a riot is the language of the unheard, and what is it America has failed to hear?
** [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], [http://www.gphistorical.org/mlk/mlkspeech/index.htm ''The Other America''] (14 March 1968).

* I say to you that our goal is freedom, and I believe we are going to get there because however much she strays away from it, the goal of America is freedom. Abused and scorned though we may be as a people, our destiny is tied up in the destiny of America.
** [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], ''Remaining Awake Through a Great Revolution'' (31 March 1968).

* All we say to [[w:United States|America]] is: 'Be true to what you said on paper.' If I lived in [[China]] or even [[Russia]], or any totalitarian country, maybe I could understand the denial of certain basic First Amendment privileges, because they hadn't committed themselves to that over there. But somewhere I read of the freedom of assembly. Somewhere I read of the freedom of speech. Somewhere I read of the freedom of the press. Somewhere I read that the greatness of America is the right to protest for right... Let us rise up tonight with a greater readiness. Let us stand with a greater determination, and let us move on in these powerful days. These days of challenge to make America what it ought to be; we have an opportunity to make America a better nation.
** [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], [http://mlk-kpp01.stanford.edu/index.php/encyclopedia/documentsentry/ive_been_to_the_mountaintop/ ''I've Been to the Mountaintop''] (3 April 1968)

* [[Great Britain]] is a republic with a hereditary president, while the United States is a monarchy with an elective king. 
** ''The Knoxville Journal'' (9 February 1896), as quoted in [https://books.google.co.uk/books?id=wwzqAwAAQBAJ&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;dq=peter+hays+gries&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ei=HwpZVazmK_LW7Qan_YH4CQ&amp;ved=0CD0Q6AEwBA#v=onepage&amp;q=peter%20hays%20gries&amp;f=false &quot;The Politics of American Foreign Policy&quot;] by {{w|Peter Heys Gries}}, p. 170

* What gives me grounds for optimism is that this is the only country on the face of the Earth where if you tell a 10-year-old kid, &quot;You can't do&quot; something and it strikes him as absurd, a 10-year-old kid looks up and says &quot;It's a free country.&quot; This is the only nation on Earth whose children say &quot;It's a free country.&quot; It's going to take a whole lot to root that out of the American spirit.
** [[Alan Charles Kors]], [http://listenonrepeat.com/watch/?v=qZsQMv08FSY#Who_s_Too_Weak_to_Live_With_Freedom__Prof__Alan_Charles_Kors_on_His_Fight_for_Free_Expression &quot;Who's too Weak to Live with Freedom?&quot;] (2013), ''TheFIREorg''

*The American people have virtually no say over when we go to war. These decisions are made in back rooms somewhere...The American people continue to be lied to about why we go to war, because again, one of the big reasons is simply for profit, and that's always been true to some extent, but now it is in a very naked way.
*[On the U.S. invasions of Iraq and Afghanistan] From a strategic point of view, it has to be seen as a complete failure, and yet it went on for 20 years, why did it go on for 20 years? Because the defense industry companies that make the bombs, that make the planes, that make the vehicles, and also the private military contractors that now are fighting the wars in lieu of public military personnel, they made trillions of dollars as long as the war continued. So they didn't care if the war was ever won, the goal was for the war to simply continue forever... the point is not to win the war, but to make sure it never ends because you're going to keep making profits.&lt;BR&gt;The U.S. is not advancing human rights through its military interventions. It's not advancing humanitarianism. In fact, it's undermining it in a huge way.
**[[Daniel Kovalik]] quoted in [http://www.china.org.cn/world/Off_the_Wire/2021-12/08/content_77918107.htm Interview: Some American wars fought &quot;simply for profit,&quot; sanctions also destructive, human rights lawyer says,  ''Xinhua,'']  December 8, 2021

*Some of the wars America fought were &quot;simply for profit&quot; and the sanctions it has imposed on certain countries have been as destructive as wars... Take Venezuela, which has suffered from U.S. sanctions for over 15 years, as an example. An estimated more than 40,000 people may have died in Venezuela from 2017 to 2018 as a result of U.S. sanctions that made it harder for ordinary citizens to access food, medicine, and medical equipment, according to a report published by the Center for Economic and Policy Research, a Washington, D.C.-based think tank, in 2019. The sanctions, Kovalik added, have also prevented Venezuela, which has the world's largest proven oil reserve, from &quot;maintaining its oil industry and maintaining its power grids. Sanction is war by another means...You're just denying the people the economic benefits of their industries, and also, again, you're denying them electricity, other infrastructure, again in much the same way that you could or would through actual military means.&quot;  However, most Americans don't see sanctions as war and they don't know the consequences so they &quot;tolerate it more&quot; and think the sanctions are &quot;somehow a legitimate form of coercion,&quot; according to Kovalik. &quot;When you look at the results, they're the same or similar to actual military warfare, but again, there are means that are more clandestine and do create more consent amongst the population of the Western world that might otherwise protest it,&quot; he concluded.
**[[Daniel Kovalik]] interviewed in [http://www.china.org.cn/world/Off_the_Wire/2021-12/08/content_77918107.htm Interview: Some American wars fought &quot;simply for profit,&quot; sanctions also destructive, human rights lawyer says,  ''Xinhua,'']  December 8, 2021

*Instead of taking responsibility for its own failings, the [[U. S. Government|US government]], and its [[Mainstream media|compliant media]], have taken to trying to scapegoat others... [[Russia]] is taking measures to confront the [[COVID-19 pandemic|pandemic]] which the US has failed to do, particularly in the epicentre of the pandemic, [[Moscow]]... far exceeds the efforts of the US which has yet to announce plans for mass testing of individuals for the virus...  &lt;BR&gt;The US has always prided itself at being number one in the world, and it continues to be number one in many categories – for example, the number of [[prisoners]] held in [[jails]], the most [[Mass shootings in the United States|mass shootings]], and the most costly and ineffective healthcare system in the industrialised world. And now, the US has the dubious distinction of being number one in terms of the number of COVID-19 cases and the number of people killed by COVID-19 
**[[Daniel Kovalik]]    quoted in  [https://sputniknews.com/analysis/202004211079045029-western-msm-chastise-russia-for-taking-timely-covid-measures-which-us--eu-failed-to-do--scholars/ Western MSM Chastise Russia For Taking Timely COVID Measures Which US &amp; EU Failed to Do  ''Sputnik News''],  (March 26, 2020)

*The US appears to be intentionally spreading chaos throughout strategic portions of the world, leaving virtually no independent state standing to protect their resources, especially oil, from Western exploitation. And, this goal is being achieved with resounding success, while also achieving the subsidiary goal of enriching the behemoth [[military-industrial complex]].
**[[Daniel Kovalik]]  quoted in [https://www.nationofchange.org/2019/07/30/book-review-the-plot-to-overthrow-venezuela-how-the-us-is-orchestrating-a-coup-for-oil-by-dan-kovalik/ Book Review: The Plot to Overthrow Venezuela: How the US is Orchestrating a Coup for Oil by Dan Kovalik, By John Rachel, ''Nation of Change''] -July 30, 2019

* The United States was founded on the principle that all human beings, by virtue of their shared human nature, possess equal natural rights. According to the ''[[Declaration of Independence]]'' and other founding documents, rights come from a creator, not government. Government's purpose is limited to protecting natural rights, which is the standard we use to judge governments. People may exercise their natural right 'to alter or to abolish' a government that violates, rather than protects, these rights. The political logic of the American Founding requires that a government of limited purpose should be a government of limited power. The U.S. Constitution and all state constitutions limit the power of government so that it better achieves its purpose, protecting rights, rather than threatening them.
** Thomas L. Krannawitter, [https://web.archive.org/web/20071011104239/http://www.claremont.org/publications/pubid.632/pub_detail.asp &quot;Racial Preferences Mean Big Government&quot;] (30 October 2006), ''Writings'', The Claremont Institute

* America has been described as an ongoing experiment in self-government, an experiment that can and will fail if the American people ever lose sight of the principles upon which America was founded. The same challenge faces our democratic friends around the world.
** Thomas L. Krannawitter, [https://web.archive.org/web/20071011105324/http://www.claremont.org/publications/precepts/id.80/precept_detail.asp &quot;Why Lincoln Still Matters&quot;] (11 February 2005), ''Precepts'', The Claremont Institute

==L==
[[File:AllardLowenstein.jpg|thumb|The only police state that I've ever seen function with such efficiency that in this country there was no way of even getting to notice it. ~ [[Allard K. Lowenstein]]]]
[[File:Lee Resolution.jpg|thumb|That these United Colonies are, and of right ought to be, free and independent States, that they are absolved from all allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain is, and ought to be, totally dissolved. ~ [[w:Richard Henry Lee|Richard Lee]]]]
[[File:Declaration independence.jpg|thumb|Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on [[w:North America|this continent]], a [[w:United States|new nation]], conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that [[w:All men are created equal|all men are created equal]]. ~ [[Abraham Lincoln]]]]
[[File:Abe-link.png|thumb|Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. ~ [[Abraham Lincoln]]]]
[[File:Abe-link.png|thumb|Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. ~ [[Abraham Lincoln]]]]
[[File:March_to_Vincennes.jpg|thumb|We have, as all will agree, a free government, where every man has a right to be equal with every other man. ~ [[Abraham Lincoln]]]]
[[File:Fall_of_Fort_Sackville.jpg|thumb|This country, with its institutions, belongs to the people who inhabit it. ~ [[Abraham Lincoln]]]]
[[File:USS Zumwalt (DDG-1000) at night.jpg|thumb|What constitutes the bulwark of our own [[liberty]] and independence? It is not our frowning battlements, our bristling sea coasts, the guns of our war steamers, or the strength our gallant and disciplined army? These are not our reliance against a resumption of tyranny in our fair land. All of those may be turned against our liberties, without making us weaker or stronger for the struggle. Our reliance is in the love of liberty. ~ [[Abraham Lincoln]]]]
[[File:2014 - USS Fitzgerald sailor during Family Day Cruise.jpg|thumb|Our defense is in the preservation of the spirit which prizes liberty as the heritage of all men, in all lands, everywhere. ~ [[Abraham Lincoln]]]]
* America is a multi-ethnic and religious nation, a country of freedom.
** Ali Al Lami, as quoted in [http://www.cbsnews.com/news/iraqis-fighting-isis-alongside-american-troops-criticize-ban-on-entering-us/ &quot;Iraqis fighting ISIS alongside U.S. troops criticize new ban on entering U.S.&quot;] (25 January 2017), ''CBS News'' 

* Protect every citizen, including the millions of people of foreign birth who will flock to our shores to become citizens and to find here a land of liberty and law.
** [[w:William Lawrence (Ohio Republican)|William Lawrence]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=Bxo-AQAAMAAJ&amp;dq=%22flock+to+our+shores+to+become+citizens+and%22&amp;focus=searchwithinvolume&amp;q=%22become+citizens%22 speech in the House of Representatives] (7 April 1866)

* &lt;p&gt;[[w:United States|U.S.]] President [[Barack Obama]] has nominated Korean-[[w:United States|American]] [[w:Jim Yong Kim|Jim Yong Kim]], the president of Dartmouth College, as the next head of the World Bank. [[Barack Obama|Obama]]'s selection of [[w:Jim Yong Kim|Kim]] drew praise both in the [[w:United States|U.S.]] and here in Korea. [[w:Jim Yong Kim|Kim]] moved to the [[w:United States|U.S.]] with his parents when he was five and is an [[w:United States|American citizen]], but Koreans like to think of him as one of their own. [[w:United States|Americans]] also congratulated [[w:Jim Yong Kim|Kim]], who became the first Asian-[[w:United States|American]] president of an Ivy League university and nominee for the next head of the World Bank. Critics voiced concerns whether  [[w:Jim Yong Kim|Kim]], a medical doctor by training, would be able to handle the developmental assistance the World Bank is known for, but nobody had any problem with [[w:Jim Yong Kim|his]] ethnic background. Yet [[Bigotry|the exact opposite]] is happening here in [[South Korea|Korea]] right now. The Philippine-born naturalized Korean citizen [[w:Jasmine B. Lee|Jasmine Lee]], who became a Saenuri Party lawmaker, has been the victim of malicious attacks on the Internet since the April 11 general election. People have been posting malicious comments about her on Twitter and other social networks, somehow linking her to the grisly murder of a young woman recently killed by an ethnic Korean from China...&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;As a party list candidate, [[w:Jasmine B. Lee|Lee]] has never made any campaign pledges. But somebody posted false rumors on the Internet that [[w:Jasmine B. Lee|Lee]] had promised major benefits for foreign [[migrant workers]] and brides using taxpayers' money. [[w:Jasmine B. Lee|Lee]] married a Korean and legally acquired Korean citizenship in 1998. After being widowed in 2010, [[w:Jasmine B. Lee|she]] formed a group supporting foreign wives of Korean men and also worked at Seoul City Hall helping such women. [[w:Jasmine B. Lee|She]] even played a small role in the movie 'Punch' about multicultural families in [[South Korea|Korea]] and appealed to Koreans to pay more attention to people like [[w:Jasmine B. Lee|her]]. It is perfectly fair to question her ability to serve as a lawmaker. But the criticism against [[w:Jasmine B. Lee|her]] on the Internet reflects nothing but [[Bigotry|xenophobia]]. [[w:Jasmine B. Lee|Lee]] will serve as a lawmaker representing the 200,000 foreign wives of Korean men who live here. They are all Korean citizens. It does not befit one of the world's 10 largest exporters to get excited about the achievements of [[w:Jim Yong Kim|an American who comes from Korea]] but on the other hand to react with hostility to [[w:Jasmine B. Lee|an immigrant who achieves something here]]. Such double standards are unacceptable.&lt;/p&gt;
** [[w:Lee Ha-won|Ha-won Lee]], [http://english.chosun.com/site/data/html_dir/2012/04/17/2012041701313.html &quot;Korean Xenophobia Betrays Double Standards&quot;] (17 April 2012), ''The Chosun Ilbo'' (April 2012)

* Sixty years ago, at dawn on June 25, the Korean War broke out when Communist North Korea invaded the Republic of Korea. In response, 16 member countries of the United Nations, including the United States, joined with the Republic of Korea to defend freedom. Over the next three years of fighting, about 37,000 Americans lost their lives. They fought for the freedom of [[South Korea|Koreans they did not even know]], and thanks to their sacrifices, the peace and democracy of [[South Korea|the republic]] were protected... On the 60th anniversary of the Korean War, I remain grateful to [[w:United States|America]] for having participated in the war. At [[w:1950s|that time]], the Republic of Korea was one of the most impoverished countries, with an annual per capita income of less than $40. In 2009, my country became a member of the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development's Development Assistance Committee, the first aid recipient to become a donor and in only one generation.
** [[Lee Myung-bak|Myung-bak Lee]], [http://articles.latimes.com/2010/jun/25/opinion/la-oe-lee-thanks-20100625 &quot;A Note of Thanks&quot;] (25 June 2010), ''The Los Angeles Times''

* That these United Colonies are, and of right ought to be, free and independent States, that they are absolved from all allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain is, and ought to be, totally dissolved.
** [[w:Richard Henry Lee|Richard Lee]], ''[[w:Lee Resolution|Lee Resolution]]'' (2 July 1776)

* The law of nations knows of no distinction of color, and if an enemy of the United States should enslave and sell any captured persons of their army, it would be a case for the severest retaliation, if not redressed upon complaint.
** [http://civilwartalk.com/threads/the-lieber-code.7631/ ''The Lieber Code of 1863''], United States Department of War

* It is a truism that America has become a more diverse country. It is also a beautiful thing to watch. Visitors from other countries, particularly those having trouble incorporating different ethnic groups and faiths, are amazed that we manage to pull it off. Not perfectly, of course, but certainly better than any European or Asian nation today. It’s an extraordinary success story.
** [[w:Mark Lilla|Mark Lilla]], [https://www.nytimes.com/2016/11/20/opinion/sunday/the-end-of-identity-liberalism.html &quot;The End of Identity Liberalism&quot;] (20 November 2016), ''The New York Times''

* I believe in specific ideas and I believe that those ideas have consequences. I believe in the individual, in less government so as to allow that individual maximum freedom to create and achieve; that societies which are founded on restraining the government rather than the [[Individualism|individual]] are optimum; that the individual is smart enough to solve his own problems and does not need to depend on big government for resolution of all his problems; that my belief in [[individuality]] and limited government does not preclude me from advocating the requisite amount of government [[authority]] to ensure law and order in our [[society]]; that our ability to enjoy [[peace]] vis-á-vis other [[nations]] is directly related to our [[military]] strength; that the best that we can hope for in an imperfect world will most likely be achieved by maximizing individual economic and political freedoms and, conversely, that social utopia cannot be achieved through governmental largesse and [[Socialism|socialistic]] [[Redistribution of income and wealth|redistributions of wealth]]; that compassion is defined not by how many people are on the government dole but by how many people no longer need governmental assistance; that political and economic freedom are inextricably intertwined; that society owes its citizens [[equality of opportunity]] but cannot guarantee them equality of outcome; that strong, wholesome family values are at the very core of a productive, prosperous and peaceful society; that those values cannot be instilled by government but can indeed be sucked dry and eliminated by well-intentioned but destructive governmental programs; that [[human]] [[life]] is sacred and that God placed [[man]] in a position of having [[dominion]] over [[nature]]; that environmental awareness is healthy, but that apocalyptic environmentalism based on disinformation and hysteria is destructive to society and man's best interests; that racial relations will not be enhanced or [[prejudice]] eliminated by governmental edict; that there is one God and that this country was established with that [[Christianity|foundational belief]]; that our [[morality]] emanates from our Divine Creator; whose laws are not subject to amendment, modification, or recession by man; that certain fundamental [[Different|differences]] between [[Man|men]] and [[women]] exist in nature; that men and women are not at war and that their relationship should not be redefined by by those who believe that we are; that the meaning of the establishment clause of the [[First Amendment to the United States Constitution|First Amendment]] should not be stretched beyond its intended dimensions by precluding voluntary prayer in our public schools; that the United States of America was founded on the beliefs I have just enunciated and that it is the greatest nation in the history of the world; and that the USA is the greatest nation, not because Americans are inherently superior but because its government was founded on principles which seek to allow maximum individual achievement.
** [[Rush Limbaugh]], ''The Way Things Ought to Be''. Pocket Books. October 1992. p. 2-3. &lt;nowiki&gt;ISBN 978-0671751456&lt;/nowiki&gt;. OCLC 26397008.

* xcThe spread of slavery, I can not but hate. I hate it because of the monstrous injustice of slavery itself. I hate it because it deprives our republican example of its just influence in the world—enables the enemies of free institutions, with plausibility, to taunt us as hypocrites—causes the real friends of freedom to doubt our sincerity, and especially because it forces so many really good men amongst ourselves into an open war with the very fundamental principles of civil liberty—criticising the Declaration of Independence, and insisting that there is no right principle of action but self-interest...&lt;p&gt;Our republican robe is soiled, and trailed in the dust. Let us repurify it. Let us turn and wash it white, in the spirit, if not the blood, of the Revolution. Let us turn slavery from its claims of “moral right,” back upon its existing legal rights, and its arguments of 'necessity'. Let us return it to the position our fathers gave it; and there let it rest in peace. Let us re-adopt the Declaration of Independence, and with it, the practices, and policy, which harmonize with it. Let north and south—let all Americans—let all lovers of liberty everywhere—join in the great and good work. If we do this, we shall not only have saved the Union; but we shall have so saved it, as to make, and to keep it, forever worthy of the saving. We shall have so saved it, that the succeeding millions of free happy people, the world over, shall rise up, and call us blessed, to the latest generations.&lt;/p&gt;
** [[Abraham Lincoln]], [http://millercenter.org/president/speeches/detail/3503 speech at Peoria] (16 October 1854)

* The Autocrat of all the Russias will resign his crown, and proclaim his subjects free republicans sooner than will our American masters voluntarily give up their slaves.
** [[Abraham Lincoln]], letter to George Robertson (15 August 1855)

* I am not a [[w:Know Nothing|Know-Nothing]]. That is certain. How could I be? How can any one who abhors the oppression of negroes, be in favor of degrading classes of white people? Our progress in degeneracy appears to me to be pretty rapid. As a nation, we began by declaring that 'all men are created equal'. We now practically read it 'all men are created equal, except negroes'. When the Know-Nothings get control, it will read 'all men are created equal, except negroes, and foreigners, and catholics'. When it comes to this I should prefer emigrating to some country where they make no pretence of loving liberty. To Russia, for instance, where despotism can be take pure, and without the base alloy of hypocrisy.
** [[Abraham Lincoln]], [http://www.abrahamlincolnonline.org/lincoln/speeches/speed.htm letter to Joshua F. Speed] (24 August 1855)

* &lt;p&gt;We are now a mighty nation, we are thirty, or about thirty millions of people, and we own and inhabit about one-fifteenth part of the dry land of the whole earth. We run our memory back over the pages of history for about eighty-two years and we discover that we were then a very small people in point of numbers, vastly inferior to what we are now, with a vastly less extent of country, with vastly less of everything we deem desirable among men, we look upon the change as exceedingly advantageous to us and to our posterity, and we fix upon something that happened away back, as in some way or other being connected with this rise of prosperity. We find a race of men living in that day whom we claim as our fathers and grandfathers; they were iron men, they fought for the principle that they were contending for; and we understood that by what they then did it has followed that the degree of prosperity that we now enjoy has come to us. We hold this annual celebration to remind ourselves of all the good done in this process of time of how it was done and who did it, and how we are historically connected with it; and we go from these meetings in better humor with ourselves. We feel more attached the one to the other, and more firmly bound to the country we inhabit. In every way we are better men in the age, and race, and country in which we live for these celebrations. But after we have done all this we have not yet reached the whole...&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;There is something else connected with it. We have besides these men—descended by blood from our ancestors—among us perhaps half our people who are not descendants at all of these men, they are men who have come from Europe—German, Irish, French and Scandinavian. Men that have come from Europe themselves, or whose ancestors have come hither and settled here, finding themselves our equals in all things. If they look back through this history to trace their connection with those days by blood, they find they have none, they cannot carry themselves back into that glorious epoch and make themselves feel that they are part of us, but when they look through that old Declaration of Independence they find that those old men say that 'We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal,' and then they feel that that moral sentiment taught in that day evidences their relation to those men, that it is the father of all moral principle in them, and that they have a right to claim it as though they were blood of the blood, and flesh of the flesh of the men who wrote that Declaration, and so they are. That is the electric cord in that Declaration that links the hearts of patriotic and liberty-loving men together, that will link those patriotic hearts as long as the love of freedom exists in the minds of men throughout the world...&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Let us discard all this quibbling about this man and the other man, this race and that race and the other race being inferior and therefore they must be placed in an inferior position. Let us discard all these things, and unite as one people throughout this land, until we shall once more stand up declaring that all men are created equal.&lt;/p&gt;
** [[Abraham Lincoln]], [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln2/1:526?rgn=div1;singlegenre=All;sort=occur;subview=detail;type=simple;view=fulltext;q1=Let+us+discard+all+this+quibbling address to Chicagoan abolitionists] (10 July 1858).

* What constitutes the bulwark of our own [[liberty]] and independence? It is not our frowning battlements, our bristling sea coasts, the guns of our war steamers, or the strength our gallant and disciplined army? These are not our reliance against a resumption of tyranny in our fair land. All of those may be turned against our liberties, without making us weaker or stronger for the struggle. Our reliance is in the love of liberty which [[God]] has planted in our bosoms. Our defense is in the preservation of the spirit which prizes liberty as the heritage of all men, in all lands, everywhere. Destroy this spirit, and you have planted the seeds of despotism around your own doors. Familiarize yourselves with the chains of bondage and you are preparing your own limbs to wear them. Accustomed to trample on the rights of those around you, you have lost the genius of your own independence, and become the fit subjects of the first cunning tyrant who rises.
** [[Abraham Lincoln]]'s speech at Edwardsville, Illinois (11 September 1858); quoted in Lincoln, Abraham; Mario Matthew Cuomo, Harold Holzer, G. S. Boritt, ''[http://books.google.de/books?id=8bWmmyJEMZoC&amp;pg=PA128&amp;redir_esc=y#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false Lincoln on Democracy]'' (Fordham University Press, September 1, 2004), 128. {{ISBN|978-0823223459}}
*** Variant of the above quote: What constitutes the bulwark of our own liberty and independence? It is not our frowning battlements, our bristling sea coasts, our army and our navy. These are not our reliance against tyranny. All of those may be turned against us without making us weaker for the struggle. Our reliance is in the love of liberty which God has planted in us. Our defense is in the spirit which prizes liberty as the heritage of all men, in all lands everywhere. Destroy this spirit and you have planted the seeds of despotism at your own doors. Familiarize yourselves with the chains of bondage and you prepare your own limbs to wear them. Accustomed to trample on the rights of others, you have lost the genius of your own independence and become the fit subjects of the first cunning tyrant who rises among you.
**** Fragment of Speech at Edwardsville, Illinois, 13 September 1858; quoted in Lincoln, Abraham;  ''[http://www.classic-literature.co.uk/american-authors/19th-century/abraham-lincoln/the-writings-of-abraham-lincoln-05/ebook-page-05.asp The Writings of Abraham Lincoln V05]'') p. 6-7

* One-sixth, and a little more, of the population of the United States are slaves, looked upon as property, as nothing but property. The cash value of these slaves, at a moderate estimate, is $2,000,000,000. This amount of property value has a vast influence on the minds of its owners, very naturally. The same amount of property would have an equal influence upon us if owned in the north. Human nature is the same, people at the south are the same as those at the north, barring the difference in circumstances. Public opinion is founded, to a great extent, on a property basis. What lessons the value of property is opposed, what enhances its value is favored. Public opinion at the south regards slaves as property and insists upon treating them like other property.
** [[Abraham Lincoln]], [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln4/1:2?rgn=div1;view=fulltext speech at Hartford, Connecticut] (5 March 1860), ''Evening Press''&lt;!-- http://archive.org/stream/collectedworksof015582mbp/collectedworksof015582mbp_djvu.txt--&gt;

* Look at the magnitude of [[Slavery|this subject]]! One sixth of our population, in round numbers, not quite one sixth, and yet more than a seventh, about one sixth of the whole population of the United States are slaves! The owners of these slaves consider them property. The effect upon the minds of the owners is that of property, and nothing else, it induces them to insist upon all that will favorably affect its value as property, to demand laws and institutions and a public policy that shall increase and secure its value, and make it durable, lasting and universal. The effect on the minds of the owners is to persuade them that there is no wrong in it. The slaveholder does not like to be considered a mean fellow, for holding that species of property, and hence he has to struggle within himself and sets about arguing himself into the belief that Slavery is right. The property influences his mind.
** [[Abraham Lincoln]], [http://www.historyplace.com/lincoln/haven.htm &quot;Allow the humblest man an equal chance&quot;] (6 March 1860), New Haven, Connecticut. As quoted in [http://books.google.de/books?id=8bWmmyJEMZoC&amp;pg=PA176&amp;lpg=PA176&amp;dq=abraham+lincoln+While+we+do+not+propose+any+war+upon+capital,+we+do+wish+to+allow+the+humblest+man+an+equal+chance+to+get+rich+with+everybody+else.&amp;source=bl&amp;ots=vFissaWjnv&amp;sig=jte7zDvn8Ia0tivqhxHAfzYZLyE&amp;hl=de&amp;sa=X&amp;ei=rIahUunBJIbEtAbE5IGwAg&amp;ved=0CDcQ6AEwAQ#v=onepage&amp;q=abraham%20lincoln%20While%20we%20do%20not%20propose%20any%20war%20upon%20capital%2C%20we%20do%20wish%20to%20allow%20the%20humblest%20man%20an%20equal%20chance%20to%20get%20rich%20with%20everybody%20else.&amp;f=false ''Lincoln on Democracy''], by Mario Matthew Cuomo and G.S. Boritt, pp. 176-177

* The weights should be lifted from the shoulders of all men, and that ''all'' should have an equal chance. This is the sentiment embodied in that Declaration of Independence. Now, my friends, can this country be saved upon that basis? If it can, I will consider myself one of the happiest men in the world if I can help to save it. If it can't be saved upon that principle, it will be truly awful. But, if this country cannot be saved without giving up that principle. I was about to say I would rather be assassinated on this spot than to surrender it.
** [[Abraham Lincoln]], [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln4/1:376?rgn=div1;view=fulltext speech at Independence Hall in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania] (22 February 1861); quoted in Roy P. Basler, ed., ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln, vol. 4'' (New Brunswick, N.J.: Rutgers University Press, 1953), p. 204

* &lt;p&gt;One section of our country believes slavery is right and ought to be extended, while the other believes it is wrong and ought not to be extended. This is the only substantial dispute...&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;This country, with its institutions, belongs to the people who inhabit it. Whenever they shall grow weary of the existing Government, they can exercise their constitutional right of amending it or their revolutionary right to dismember or overthrow it. I cannot be ignorant of the fact that many worthy and patriotic citizens are desirous of having the National Constitution amended. While I make no recommendation of amendments, I fully recognize the rightful authority of the people over the whole subject, to be exercised in either of the modes prescribed in the instrument itself; and I should, under existing circumstances, favor rather than oppose a fair opportunity being afforded the people to act upon it. I will venture to add that to me the convention mode seems preferable, in that it allows amendments to originate with the people themselves, instead of only permitting them to take or reject propositions originated by others not especially chosen for the purpose, and which might not be precisely such as they would wish to either accept or refuse.&lt;/p&gt;
** [[Abraham Lincoln]], [[s:Abraham Lincoln's First Inaugural Address|First Inaugural Address]] (4 March 1861)

* We, on our side, are praying Him to give us victory, because we believe we are right; but those on the other side pray to Him, look for victory, believing they are right. What must He think of us?
** [[Abraham Lincoln]], in 1861, as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=3WMDAAAAYAAJ&amp;pg=PA124&amp;dq=%22What+must+he+think+of+us%22+%22LIncoln%22&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0CCIQ6AEwAWoVChMImZjep6TcxwIVyBo-Ch2PIwT7#v=onepage&amp;q=%22What%20must%20he%20think%20of%20us%22%20%22LIncoln%22&amp;f=false ''The Life of Abraham Lincoln: Drawn from Original Sources''] (1900), Volume 3, New York: Lincoln History Society, p. 124

* All persons held as slaves within any State or designated part of a State, the people whereof shall then be in rebellion against the United States, shall be then, thenceforward, and forever free; and the Executive Government of the United States, including the military and naval authority thereof, will recognize and maintain the freedom of such persons, and will do no act or acts to repress such persons, or any of them, in any efforts they may make for their actual freedom.
** [[Abraham Lincoln]], ''[[s:The Emancipation Proclamation|Emancipation Proclamation]]'' (1 January 1863)

* Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on [[w:North America|this continent]], a [[w:United States|new nation]], conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that [[w:All men are created equal|all men are created equal]].
** [[Abraham Lincoln]], ''[[w:Gettysburg Address|The Gettysburg Address]]'' (19 November 1863)

* The [[world]] has never had a good [[definition]] of the [[word]] [[liberty]], and the American people, just now, are much in want of one. We all declare for liberty; but in using the same ''word'' we do not all mean the same ''thing''. With some the word liberty may mean for each man to do as he pleases with himself, and the product of his labor; while with others the same word may mean for some men to do as they please with other men, and the product of other men's labor. Here are two, not only different, but incompatable things, called by the same name — liberty. And it follows that each of the things is, by the respective parties, called by two different and incompatable names — liberty and tyranny.
** President [[Abraham Lincoln]], [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/?pid=88871 address at sanitary fair, Baltimore, Maryland] (18 April 1864). 
** As quoted in ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln'', ed. Roy P. Basler, vol. 7, p. 301–2 (1953)

* We have, as all will agree, a free government, where [[w:All men are created equal|every man has a right to be equal with every other man]]... Every form of human right is endangered if our enemies succeed.
** [[Abraham Lincoln]], speech to the One Hundred Sixty-fourth Ohio Regiment (18 August 1864), delivered at Washington, D.C.

*Afterward, Vogel invited the audience to come up and be photographed with the re-enactors. I didn't go. I was content just to look down the Mall on that beautiful day, now becoming comfortably warmer. Beyond the reflecting pools, behind the Washington Monument, I could see parts of the Grant sculptures and the wings of the Capitol behind them. It was all very imposing, as befits a great nation. In the aftermath of the morning's program, I was free to imagine, now that we let ourselves remember all of [[Abraham Lincoln|Lincoln]]'s Second Inaugural, what if the United States could live up to its moral implications? What if we did construct a society with no unrequited toil? What if we did achieve a just and lasting peace with all nations? An impossible dream? Well, it was a patriotic occasion, and at a place where dreams have been dreamed before.
** [[James W. Loewen|James Loewen]], [http://historynewsnetwork.org/blog/153597#_ftn3 &quot;Lincoln's Second Inaugural on its 150th Birthday&quot;] (18 March 2015), ''History News Network''.

* In [[Australia]], if you drive a red or yellow Bentley convertible down the street, everyone thinks 'What a wanker!' In [[w:United States|America]], you drive a red Bentley down the street, everyone thinks 'Nice car, mate! Well done!' There is just a different approach to success and to striving for success in America and that's the bit that I miss. Not that I have a yellow Bentley, nor do I want one. But, I do like that acceptance of people striving in America. That's the one thing I miss.
** [[w:Luc Longley|Lucien Longley]], as quoted in [http://meninblazers.com/page/podcasts &quot;Luc Longley Pod Special&quot;] (8 June 2015), by Roger Bennett, ''Men in Blazers''

* It is the night-black Massachusetts legendry which packs the really macabre 'kick', Here is the material for a really profound study in group neuroticism; for certainly, no one can deny the existence of a profoundly morbid streak in the Puritan imagination....The very pre-ponderance of passionately pious men in the colony was virtually an assurance of unnatural crime; insomuch as psychology now proves the religious instinct to be a form of transmuted eroticism precisely parallel to the transmutations in other directions which respectively produce such things as sadism, hallucination, melancholia, and other mental morbidities. Bunch together a group of people deliberately chosen for strong religious feelings, and you have a practical guarantee of dark morbidities expressed in crime, perversion, and insanity. This was aggravated, of course, by the Puritan policy of rigorously suppressing all the natural outlets of excuberant feeling--music, laughter, colour, pageantry, and so on. To observe Christmas Day was once a prison offence...
** [[H. P. Lovecraft|H.P. Lovecraft]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=rVERL_j9UfcC&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;dq=isbn:0809515679&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ei=-beOVeGqHsi_ggT1vqKgCw&amp;ved=0CB4Q6AEwAA#v=onepage&amp;q=insanity&amp;f=true letter to Robert E. Howard] (4 October 1930).

* When I first arrived in [[w:Jackson, Mississippi|Jackson]], which was July 4, 1963, there was a court order to integrate the parks in Jackson. But we couldn't even get two car loads to do that. It was, in a sense, a terrible defeat. The police arrested everybody when they did anything. You couldn't picket. The enemy was the police. It was a police state, that's all. The only police state that I've ever seen function with such efficiency that in this country there was no way of even getting to notice it.
** [[Allard K. Lowenstein]], as [https://content.wisconsinhistory.org/digital/collection/p15932coll2/id/13599 interviewed] by Anne Romaine in Charlottesville, Virginia, March 4, 1967

* America will exist as a great nation for a long time to come. It has a vast store of economic and military capital that will take time to spend down even in the worst of circumstances and even under the worst policies.
** [[Rich Lowry]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=8lVV6cxBu94C&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;dq=9780062123787&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0ahUKEwi94ILJscPWAhXJZCYKHbdAD5YQ6AEILjAB#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false ''Lincoln Unbound: How an Ambitious Young Railsplitter Saved the American Dream''] (2013), Broadside Books

* When and if fascism comes to America it will not be labeled &quot;made in Germany&quot;; it will not be marked with a swastika; it will not even be called fascism; it will be called, of course, &quot;Americanism.&quot; … The high-sounding phrase &quot;the American way&quot; will be used by interested groups intent on profit, to cover a multitude of sins against the American and Christian tradition, such sins as lawless violence, teargas and shotguns, denial of civil liberties … There is an obligation resting on us all to dedicate our minds to the hard task of thinking in terms of Christian objectives and values, so that we may be saved from moral confusion. &lt;br&gt; For never, probably, has there been a time when there was a more vigorous effort to surround social and international questions with such a fog of distortion and prejudices and hysterical appeal to fear.
** [[Halford E. Luccock]] in &quot;Keeping Life Out of Confusion&quot; (11 September 1938), as quoted in &quot;Disguised Fascism Seen As A Menace&quot; in ''The New York Times'' (12 September 1938), p. 15; also in [http://shii.org/knows/Fascism_comes_wrapped_in_the_flag &quot;Fascism comes wrapped in the flag&quot; (with online facsimile of article)].

* From the smug point of view of millions who now inhabit the Chinese internet, Wang’s dark vision of American dissolution was nothing less than prophetic. When they look to the U.S., they no longer see a beacon of liberal democracy standing as an admired symbol of a better future. That was the impression of those who created the famous “Goddess of Democracy,” with her paper-mâché torch held aloft before the Gate of Heavenly Peace. Instead, they see Wang’s America: deindustrialization, rural decay, over-financialization, out of control asset prices, and the emergence of a self-perpetuating rentier elite; powerful tech monopolies able to crush any upstart competitors operating effectively beyond the scope of government; immense economic inequality, chronic unemployment, addiction, homelessness, and crime; cultural chaos, historical nihilism, family breakdown, and plunging fertility rates; societal despair, spiritual malaise, social isolation, and skyrocketing rates of mental health issues; a loss of national unity and purpose in the face of decadence and barely concealed self-loathing; vast internal divisions, racial tensions, riots, political violence, and a country that increasingly seems close to coming apart.
** N. S. Lyons, [https://palladiummag.com/2021/10/11/the-triumph-and-terror-of-wang-huning/ The Triumph and Terror of Wang Huning], ''Palladium'', 11 October 2021

==M==
[[File:Douglas MacArthur, Army photo portrait seated, France 1918 uncropped.JPEG|thumb|America has evolved a model for this new free world... America has demonstrated that peoples of the East and peoples of the West may walk side by side in mutual respect and with mutual benefit. ~ [[Douglas MacArthur]]]]
[[File:Douglas MacArthur smoking his corncob pipe.jpg|thumb|Americans never quit. ~ [[Douglas MacArthur]]]]
[[File:86thaw-provide-hope.jpg|thumb|America is the greatest force for good in the history of the world. ~ [[John McCain]]]]
[[File:Mary Fields.jpg|thumb|Besides the advantage of being armed, which the Americans possess over the people of almost every other nation, the existence of subordinate governments, to which the people are attached and by which the militia officers are appointed, forms a barrier against the enterprises of ambition, more insurmountable than any which a simple government of any form can admit of. ~ [[James Madison]]]]
[[File:Health Care Delivery System Reform and The Patient Protection &amp; Affordable Care Act.pdf|thumb|The government of the United States is a definite government, confined to specified objects. It is not like the state governments, whose powers are more general. Charity is no part of the legislative duty of the government. ~ [[James Madison]]]]
[[File:Elijah Muhammad NYWTS-2.jpg|thumb|America represents herself as a Christian nation. ... They profess to be a friend and defenders of all peace-loving and freedom-loving people. The only people we really see that they want to be friends of are themselves and their kind. They are really sincere when they say that they are freedom-loving people. Above all, the White man the world over wants to be free to rule and dominate the aboriginal people. ~ [[Elijah Muhammad]]]]
* Americans never quit.
** [[Douglas MacArthur]], as president of the U.S. Olympic committee when the manager of the U.S. boxing team in the 1928 Olympic games wanted to withdraw the team because of what he thought was an unfair decision against an American boxer; reported in ''The New York Times'' (9 August 1928), p. 13

* America has evolved a model for this new free world... America has demonstrated that peoples of the East and peoples of the West may walk side by side in mutual respect and with mutual benefit.
** [[Douglas MacArthur]], [https://ussmissouri.org/learn-the-history/surrender/general-macarthurs-radio-address/ radio address] (2 September 1945).

* The highest number to which, according to the best computation, a [[w:standing army|standing army]] can be carried in any country, does not exceed one hundredth part of the whole number of souls; or one twenty-fifth part of the number able to bear arms. This proportion would not yield, in the United States, an army of more than twenty-five or thirty thousand men. To these would be opposed a militia amounting to near half a million of citizens with arms in their hands, officered by men chosen from among themselves, fighting for the common liberties and united and conducted by governments possessing their affections and confidence. It may well be doubted whether a militia thus circumstanced could ever be conquered by such a proportion of regular troops. Those who are best acquainted with the late successful resistance of this country against the British arms will be most inclined to deny the possibility of it. Besides the advantage of being armed, which the Americans possess over the people of almost every other nation, the existence of subordinate governments, to which the people are attached and by which the militia officers are appointed, forms a barrier against the enterprises of ambition, more insurmountable than any which a simple government of any form can admit of. Notwithstanding the military establishments of the several kingdoms of Europe, which are carried as far as the public resources will bear, the governments are afraid to trust the people with arms.
** [[James Madison]], [[w:Federalist No. 46|''Federalist No. 46'']] (1788).

* The government of the United States is a definite government, confined to specified objects. It is not like the state governments, whose powers are more general. Charity is no part of the legislative duty of the government.
** [[James Madison]], [http://memory.loc.gov/cgi-bin/query/r?ammem/hlaw:@field(DOCID+@lit(ed00423)): Speech, House of Representatives, during the debate &quot;On the Memorial of the Relief Committee of Baltimore, for the Relief of St. Domingo Refugees&quot;] (1794).

* It is a settled policy of America, that as peace is better than war, war is better than tribute. The United States, while they wish for war with no nation, will buy peace with none.
** [[James Madison]], letter to Wolcott Chauncy and William Shaler, summarizing the Treaty of 1815, which ended the Second Barbary War and, with it, the practice of the U.S. government paying tribute to pirate states, as quoted in [http://books.google.com/books?id=YMwRAAAAYAAJ&amp;pg=PA46| History and Present Condition of Tripoli:] With Some Accounts of the Other Barbary States&quot; by Robert Greenhow, published by T.W. White, 1835, page 46.

* The United States, having been the first to abolish within the extent of their authority the transportation of the natives of Africa into slavery, by prohibiting the introduction of slaves and by punishing their citizens participating in the traffic, cannot but be gratified at the progress made by concurrent efforts of other nations toward a general suppression of [[Slavery|so great an evil]].
** [[James Madison]], as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=PsFnB7FA11YC&amp;pg=PA200&amp;dq=%22Rendered+impossible+by+the+prejudices+of+the+whites%22&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0CCMQ6AEwAWoVChMI8uuN6dbUxwIVBD0-Ch1EqwFq#v=onepage&amp;q=%22Rendered%20impossible%20by%20the%20prejudices%20of%20the%20whites%22&amp;f=false ''State of the Nation''] (3 December 1816).

* It has been said that America is a country for the poor, not for the rich. There would be more correctness in saying it is the country for both, where the latter have a relish for free government; but, proportionally, more for the former than for the latter.
** [[James Madison]], [https://archive.org/stream/jstor-2713830/2713830_djvu.txt letter to F. Corbin (26 November 1820)], as quoted in [http://www.jstor.org/stable/2713830?seq=1#page_scan_tab_contents ''Letters and other Writings of James Madison: 1816-1828''], III, [https://books.google.com/books?id=CDkMAAAAIAAJ&amp;pg=PA194&amp;lpg=PA194&amp;dq=%22It+has+been+said+that+America+is+a+country+for+the+poor%22&amp;source=bl&amp;ots=IhaCmIE8FV&amp;sig=NQAjX5Ue9GMcFLNji9FjLkXWaP8&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0CCkQ6AEwBGoVChMIxtjzuvXYxwIVBNg-Ch2ckg_0#v=onepage&amp;q=%22It%20has%20been%20said%20that%20America%20is%20a%20country%20for%20the%20poor%22&amp;f=false pp. 194-195].

* [[Slavery]] is, as you justly complain, a sad blot on [[w:United States|our free country]].
** [[James Madison]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=Elh0sAhIVvAC&amp;pg=PA85&amp;dq=%22SAD+BLOT+ON+OUR+FREE+COUNTRY%22&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0CCkQ6AEwAmoVChMI47DWxfTQxwIVRFQ-Ch2fvwWA#v=onepage&amp;q=%22SAD%20BLOT%20ON%20OUR%20FREE%20COUNTRY%22&amp;f=false letter to La Fayette] (1821).

* I've never met anyone who told me they were angry at China or France or Russia for failing to help them. Where people are desperate, it is still America they count on, whether they love or scorn it, and America they blame when aid does not come. They know that the United States is the one country with both the power and predilection to stand up for them.
** [[Tom Malinowski]], [https://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2017/03/trump-human-rights-freedom-state-department/520677/ &quot;What America Stood For&quot;] (25 March 2017), ''The Atlantic''

* If there is a country that has committed unspeakable atrocities in the world, it is the United States of America. They don't care for human beings.
** [[Nelson Mandela]], [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2003/jan/31/usa.iraq Mandela attacks Blair and Bush], 31 January 2003

* I am proud that I am an American citizen of Japanese ancestry, for my very background makes me appreciate more fully the wonderful advantages of this nation. I believe in her institutions, ideals, and traditions. I glory in her heritage, I boast of her history. I trust in her future. She has granted me liberties and opportunities such as no individual enjoys in this world today. She has given me an education befitting kings. She has entrusted me with the responsibilities of the franchise. She has permitted me to build a home, to earn a livelihood, to worship, think, speak, and act as I please, as a free man equal to every other man. Although some individuals may discriminate against me, I shall never become bitter or lose faith, for I know that such persons are not representative of the majority of the American people. True, I shall do all in my power to discourage such practices, but I shall do it in the American way. Above board, in the open, through courts of law, by education, by proving myself to be worthy of equal treatment and consideration.
** [[w:Masaji Masaoka|Masaji Masaoka]], Japanese American Citizens League (1940), as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=eWs0AQAAQBAJ&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;dq=imperial+japanese+army+yenne&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ei=-tGPVYSjNYzEggSFp4DwBQ&amp;ved=0CDMQ6AEwAg#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false ''Rising Sons: The Japanese American GIs Who Fought for the United States''], by Bill Yenne.

* I am firm in my belief that American sportsmanship and attitude of fair play will judge citizenship and patriotism on the basis of action and achievement, and not on the basis of physical characteristics. Because I believe in America, and I trust she believes in me, and because I have received innumerable benefits from her, I pledge myself to do honor to her at all times and all places, to defend her against all enemies, foreign and domestic, to actively assume my duties and obligations as a citizen, cheerfully and without any reservations whatsoever, in the hope that I may become a better American in a greater America.
** [[w:Masaji Masaoka|Masaji Masaoka]], Japanese American Citizens League (1940), as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=eWs0AQAAQBAJ&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;dq=imperial+japanese+army+yenne&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ei=-tGPVYSjNYzEggSFp4DwBQ&amp;ved=0CDMQ6AEwAg#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false ''Rising Sons: The Japanese American GIs Who Fought for the United States''], by Bill Yenne.

* America stand up. We love [[United States Armed Forces|our military]] and we love our country but we fucking hate Trump.
** [[Eminem|Marshall B. Mathers]], [https://twitter.com/Eminem/status/917922469775925248 &quot;The Storm&quot;] (October 2017)

* America, the only nation ever founded in the name of liberty.
** [[John McCain]], as quoted in [http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/1998/05/29/national/main10557.shtml &quot;Goldwater Called 'Great Patriot'&quot; at ''CBS News'' (29 May 1998)] [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FLATQAU-Hw0]

* We are Americans first, Americans last, Americans always. Let us argue our differences. But remember we are not enemies, but comrades in a war against a real enemy, and take courage from the knowledge that our military superiority is matched only by the superiority of our ideals, and our unconquerable love for them... We're Americans, and we'll never surrender. ''They'' will.
** [[John McCain]], ''[http://www.gwu.edu/~action/2004/repconv04/mccain083004sp.html Republican National Convention]'' (30 August 2004).

* America is the greatest force for good in the history of the world.
** [[John McCain]], [http://www.nationalinterest.org/Article.aspx?id=19990 Second U.S. Presidential Debate] (8 October 2008).

* Whatever our differences, we are fellow Americans. And please believe me when I say no association has ever meant more to me than that.
** [[John McCain]], [http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5hmJfimrZW3jBur_BmaFtqj7mfFgQD948JFJG5 presidential concession speech] (November 2008)

* Through the violence, chaos and heartache of war, through deprivation and cruelty and loss, we are always Americans, and different, stronger and better than those who would destroy us.
** [[John McCain]], as quoted in &quot;Bin Laden's death and the debate over torture&quot; (11 May 2011), ''The Washington Post''

* The U.S. Constitution also bent over backwards to avoid using the term 'slave' or 'slavery' in the document, but the pro-slavery CSA apparently didn't have a problem calling a spade a spade.
** [[w:Jim McCullough|Jim McCullough]], as quoted in [https://web.archive.org/web/20151108133240/http://www.jjmccullough.com/CSA.htm &quot;The Constitution of the Confederate States of America: What was changed? And why?&quot;] (July 2006)

* The American public thinks someone is watching over them. Generally they think someone’s in charge and going to make sure bad things don’t happen. Our oversight system in our country is so broken and so untrustworthy
** [[Lisa McGiffert]], co-founder of the '''Patient Safety Action Network''' according to  '''federal inspectors''' '''[https://khn.org/news/article/as-patients-fell-ill-with-covid-inside-hospitals-government-oversight-fell-short/ As patients fell ill with COVID inside hospitals, government oversight fell short]''' (DECEMBER 23, 2021)

*'''Riley''': “No stealing”? Don’t you always say [[theft]] in [[America]] is [[justified]] because the whole [[country]] is stolen [[land]]?
:'''Huey''': Yeah, I sure do.
:* [[w:Aaron McGruder|Aaron McGruder]], ''[[The Boondocks (comic strip)|The Boondocks]]'', (5/16/1999)

* America is a living structure of human lives, of all the American lives that ever were and ever will be.
** [[Richard McKenna]], ''[[w:The Sand Pebbles| The Sand Pebbles]]'' (1962)

* The barriers of time and space vanish. All America that ever was and ever will be lives every moment...
** [[Richard McKenna]], ''[[w:The Sand Pebbles| The Sand Pebbles]]'' (1962)

* By the time of the Gettysburg Address, in November 1863, the North was fighting for a 'new birth of freedom' to transform the Constitution written by the founding fathers, under which the United States had become the world's largest slaveholding country, into a charter of emancipation for a republic where, as the northern version of 'The Battle Cry of Freedom' put it, 'Not a man shall be a slave'.
** [[w:James M. McPherson|James M. McPherson]], as quoted in ''[[w:The Illustrated Battle Cry of Freedom|The Illustrated Battle Cry of Freedom]]'' (2003)

*After [[War in Afghanistan (2001–2021)|US troops have withdrawn from Afghanistan]], [[European Union|Europe]] must define its own security interests more clearly. It has been seen that America is no longer unconditionally ready to take on a leadership role anywhere in the world.
** [[Angela Merkel]], as quoted by [https://twitter.com/MDRAktuell/status/1447492669681373185 MDR Aktuell] (2021)

* The character of our enemies testifies to [[w:United States|America]]'s greatness, for those leaders who most hate us show scant regard for their own peoples' welfare.
** [[James D. Miller]], [https://web.archive.org/web/20040603070702/http://www.techcentralstation.com/041404F.html &quot;An Empire? You ain't Seen Nothin' Yet&quot;] (14 April 2004), ''Tech Central Station''

* America - a conservative country without any conservative ideology-appears now before the world a naked and arbitrary power, as, in the name of realism, its men of decision enforce their often crackpot definitions upon world reality. The second-rate mind is in command of the ponderously spoken platitude. In the liberal rhetoric, vagueness, and in the conservative mood, irrationality, are raised to principle. Public relations and the official secret, the trivializing campaign and the terrible fact clumsily accomplished, are replacing the reasoned debate of political ideas in the privately incorporated economy, the military ascendancy, and the political vacuum of modern America.
** [[C. Wright Mills]], ''[[W:The Power Elite|The Power Elite]]'' (1956).

* The American [[w:elite|elite]] does not have any real image of [[w:peace|peace]] — other than as an uneasy interlude existing precariously by virtue of the balance of mutual fright. The only seriously accepted plan for peace is the full loaded pistol.  In short, [[w:war|war]] or a high state of war-preparedness is felt to be the normal and seemingly permanent condition of the United States.
** [[C. Wright Mills]] ''The Power Elite'' (1956).

* In the United States ... a handful of corporations centralize decisions and responsibilities that are relevant for military and political as well as economic developments of global significance. For nowadays the military and the political cannot be separated from economic considerations of power. We now live not in an economic order or a political order, but in a political economy that is closely linked with military institutions and decisions. This is obvious in the repeated &quot;oil crisis&quot; in the Middle East, or in the relevance of Southeast Asia and African resources for the Western powers…
** [[C. Wright Mills]], ''Character &amp; Social Structure'' (1954).

* In America, we vote, we decide as a group of people what our policies are, and that's the way we do business. We don't let violence make those determinations for us.
** [[Charles A. Moose]], [http://www.c-spanvideo.org/program/AttacksU town hall meeting] (8 October 2001).

* The truth is the modern [[Virginia]]ns departed from the teachings of [[w:Founding Fathers of the United States|the Fathers]].
** [[John S. Mosby|John Singleton Mosby]], [http://web.archive.org/web/20131112054334/https://www.gilderlehrman.org/history-by-era/reconstruction/resources/former-confederate-officer-slavery-and-civil-war-1907 letter to Samuel &quot;Sam&quot; Chapman] (4 June 1907).

* America represents herself as a Christian nation. ... They profess to be a friend and defenders of all peace-loving and freedom-loving people. The only people we really see that they want to be friends of are themselves and their kind. They are really sincere when they say that they are freedom-loving people. Above all, the White man the world over wants to be free to rule and dominate the aboriginal people.
** [[Elijah Muhammad]], ''Message to the Blackman'' (1965)

* I've got nothing against any individual [[w:United States|American]], except that there aren't any. They're always Irish-American, African-American&amp;ndash;there's never an American-American you can ''blame!''
** [[w:Simon Munnery|Simon Munnery]], as quoted in ''Attention Scum''.

* I wasn't born in America, but I got here as fast as I could.
**[[w:Elon Musk|Elon Musk]], ''Think Tank'' interview (2008)

==N==
[[File:Huey Newton.jpg|thumb|Clear-cut superiority in things social and economic—by whatever means—has been a scruples-free premise of American ruling class authority from the society's inception to the present. The initial socioeconomic advantage, begotten by chattel slavery, was enforced by undaunted violence and the constant threat of more violence. ~ [[Huey P. Newton]]]]
* America will not die. As the time demands them, great men will appear, and by their combined efforts render liberty and happiness more secure. The people will be ready and answer in every emergency that may arise.
** [[Charles E. Nash]], [https://web.archive.org/web/20160528155427/http://history.house.gov/People/Detail/18846 speech to the U.S. House of Representatives] (7 June 1876)

* America means fair play for all men.
** [[w:Thomas Nast|Thomas Nast]], [[:File:The Chinese Question (February 1871), by Thomas Nast.png|&quot;The Chinese Question&quot;]] (1871), ''Harper's Weekly'' (18 February 1871)

* Far from there being a consensus on the acceptance of slavery, sectional differences between the north and the south about the practice of it existed, and were subject of political contentions, from the beginning of the American nation!
** [[w:David Navarro|David Navarro]], [https://cwcrossroads.wordpress.com/2014/08/01/more-of-the-same/#comment-47695 &quot;More of the Same&quot;] (12 July 2015), ''Crossroads''

* I am certain that I speak on behalf of my entire nation when I say, today we are all Americans. In grief, as in defiance.
** [[Benjamin Netanyahu]], ''Statement on the September 11 attacks'' (20 September 2001), as quoted at the official site of [http://www.israelemb.org/US-Israel-Relations/US-Israel-Relations_famous.htm Israeli embassy]

* I know what America is. America is a thing you can move very easily, move it in the right direction. They won't get in our way.
** [[Benjamin Netanyahu]], as quoted in [http://voices.washingtonpost.com/checkpoint-washington/2010/07/netanyahu_america_is_a_thing_y.html &quot;Netanyahu: 'America is a thing you can move very easily'&quot;] (16 July 2010), ''The Washington Post'', Washington, D.C.

* If Israel has to stand alone, Israel will stand. But I know that Israel does not stand alone. I know that ''America'' stands with Israel.
** [[Benjamin Netanyahu]], [https://archive.is/6C3C6 address to a joint meeting of the United States Congress] (3 March 2015), Washington, D.C.

* Always, the rulers of an order, consistent with their own interests and solely of their own design, have employed what to them seemed to be the most optimal and efficient means of maintaining unquestioned social and economic advantage. Clear-cut superiority in things social and economic—by whatever means—has been a scruples-free premise of American ruling class authority from the society's inception to the present. The initial socioeconomic advantage, begotten by chattel slavery, was enforced by undaunted violence and the constant threat of more violence.
** [[Huey P. Newton]], ''War Against the Panthers: A Study of Repression in America'', Doctoral dissertation submitted to the Faculty of [[w:University of California Santa Cruz|University of California Santa Cruz]], [https://archive.org/stream/WarAgainstThePanthersAStudyOfRepressionInAmerica/WATP_djvu.txt June 1, 1980]
*No power on earth is stronger than the United States of America today. And none will be stronger than the United States of America in the future.
**[[Richard Nixon]], [https://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/documents/address-joint-session-the-congress-return-from-austria-the-soviet-union-iran-and-poland Address to a Joint Session of the Congress on Return From Austria, the Soviet Union, Iran, and Poland], (1 June 1972) 

* At the outset of the German Government's movement against the Jews, an American visitor asked Herr [[Hitler]] why he was making it so ruthless. The Reichskanzler replied that he had got the idea from us. Americans, he said, are the great rope and lamppost artists [i.e., [[lynching]]] of the world, known of all men as such. He was using the same methods against the Jews that we used against the [[w:American Loyalists|loyalists]] of ‘76, the [[Indigenous peoples|Indians]], the [[w:Chinese Americans|Chinese]] on the Western coast, the Negroes, the [[Mexicans]], the [[Filipinos]] — every helpless people in fact whom we had ever chanced to find underfoot.
** [[w:Albert Jay Nock|Albert Jay Nock]], &quot;The Jewish Problem in America,&quot; ''Atlantic Monthly'', June, 1941.

==O==
[[File:U.S. Navy Hospital Corpsman 3rd Class Eric Chiarito, left, and Marine Sgt. Jonathan Thornton load supplies onto a forklift at Tacloban Air Base, Philippines, in support of Operation Damayan Nov. 14, 2013 131114-N-BX824-001.jpg|thumb|America leads; we are ''the'' indispensable nation. We have capacity no one else has. Our military is the best in the history of the world, and when trouble comes up anywhere in the world, they don't call Beijing. They don't call Moscow. They call us. That's the deal. ~ [[Barack Obama]]]]
[[File:U.S. Marines and Soldiers load supplies onto a Marine Corps MV-22 Osprey tiltrotor aircraft assigned to Marine Medium Tiltrotor Squadron (VMM) 261, 1st Marine Aircraft Wing in Tacloban, Leyte province 131114-N-BX824-291.jpg|thumb|When there's a typhoon in the Philippines, take a look at who's helping the Philippines deal with that situation. When there's an earthquake in Haiti, take a look at who's leading the charge making sure Haiti can rebuild. That's how we roll, and that's what makes this America. ~ [[Barack Obama]]]]
[[File:Rosie the Riveter (Vultee) DS.jpg|thumb|What could more profoundly vindicate the idea of America than plain and humble people? Unsung, the downtrodden, the dreamers not of high station, not born to wealth or privilege, not of one religious tradition but many, coming together to shape their country's course? What greater expression of faith in the American experiment than this? ~ [[Barack Obama]]]]
[[File:Defense.gov photo essay 120528-D-BW835-460.jpg|thumb|We are an American family and we rise or fall together as one nation and as one people... We are and forever will be the United States of America... We we will continue our journey forward and remind the world just why it is that we live in the greatest nation on Earth. ~ [[Barack Obama]]]]
[[File:Grand canyon of yellowstone.JPG|thumb|America is the only heaven on earth; is the place closest to the heavenly experience. ~ [[w:Bennet Omalu|Bennet Omalu]]]]
* We are one people, all of us pledging allegiance to the stars and stripes, all of us defending the United States of America. There is not a liberal America and a conservative America. There is the United States of America. There is not a black America and a white America and Latino America and Asian America. There's the United States of America.
** [[Barack Obama]], [[s:2004_Democratic_National_Convention_Keynote_Address|speech at the Democratic Convention]] (27 July 2004).

* We are an American family and we rise or fall together as one nation and as one people. We are greater than the sum of our individual ambitions, and we remain more than [[w:Red states and blue states|a collection of red states and blue states]]. We are and forever will be the United States of America. And together with your help and God's grace we will continue our journey forward and remind the world just why it is that we live in the greatest nation on Earth.
** [[Barack Obama]], [http://www.examiner.com/article/president-obama-wins-reelection-moving-country-forward-with-hope-and-change Delievered at McCormick Place convention center in Chicago, Illinois] [http://www.nydailynews.com/news/politics/president-obama-victory-speech-hopeful-america-article-1.1197895 on 6 November 2012.]

* America has never come easy. Our freedom, our democracy, has never been easy. Sometimes we stumble; we make mistakes. We get frustrated or discouraged. But for more than two hundred years, we have put those things aside and placed our collective shoulder to the wheel of progress: to create and build and expand the possibilities of individual achievement; to free other nations from tyranny and fear; to promote justice and fairness and equality under the law, so that the words set to paper by our founders are made real for every citizen. The America we want for our kids. A rising America where honest work is plentiful and communities are strong; where prosperity is widely shared and opportunity for all lets us go as far as our dreams and toil will take us. None of it is easy.
** [[Barack Obama]], [http://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/full-text-of-obamas-2014-state-of-the-union-address/2014/01/28/e0c93358-887f-11e3-a5bd-844629433ba3_story.html State of the Union Address] (28 January 2014).

* That's always the case; America leads. We are the indispensable nation. We have capacity no one else has. Our military is the best in the history of the world, and when trouble comes up anywhere in the world, they don't call Beijing. They don't call Moscow. They call us. That's the deal... When there's a typhoon in the Philippines, take a look at who's helping the Philippines deal with that situation. When there's an earthquake in Haiti, take a look at who's leading the charge making sure Haiti can rebuild. That's how we roll, and that's what makes this America.
** [[Barack Obama]], [http://www.cbsnews.com/news/president-obama-60-minutes/ interview with Steve Kroft] (September 2014), ''CBS News'', CBS, aired 28 September 2014.

* My fellow Americans, we are and always will be a nation of immigrants. We were strangers once, too. And whether our forebears were strangers who crossed the Atlantic, or the Pacific, or the Rio Grande, we are here only because this country welcomed them in, and taught them that to be an American is about something more than what we look like, or what our last names are, or how we worship. What makes us Americans is our shared commitment to an ideal, that all of us are created equal, and all of us have the chance to make of our lives what we will. That’s the country our parents and grandparents and generations before them built for us. That’s the tradition we must uphold. That’s the legacy we must leave for those who are yet to come.
** [[Barack Obama]], [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2014/11/20/remarks-president-address-nation-immigration &quot;Remarks by the President in Address to the Nation on Immigration at the Cross Hall of White House in Washington, D.C.&quot;] (20 November 2014).

* &lt;p&gt;What could more profoundly vindicate the idea of America than plain and humble people? Unsung, the downtrodden, the dreamers not of high station, not born to wealth or privilege, not of one religious tradition but many, coming together to shape their country’s course? What greater expression of faith in the American experiment than this, what greater form of patriotism is there than the belief that America is not yet finished, that we are strong enough to be self-critical, that each successive generation can look upon our imperfections and decide that it is in our power to remake this nation to more closely align with our highest ideals?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Our work is never done. The American experiment in self-government gives work and purpose to each generation.&lt;/p&gt;
** [[Barack Obama]], &quot;Remarks by the President at the 50th Anniversary of the Selma to Montgomery Marches at Edmund Pettus Bridge&quot; (7 March 2015), Selma, Alabama.

* &lt;p&gt;Our best corporate citizens are also our most creative... Sixty years ago, when the Russians beat us into space, we didn’t deny Sputnik was up there. We didn't argue about the science, or shrink our research and development budget. We built a space program almost overnight, and twelve years later, we were walking on the moon. That spirit of discovery is in our DNA. We're Thomas Edison and the Wright Brothers and George Washington Carver. We're Grace Hopper and Katherine Johnson and Sally Ride. We're every immigrant and entrepreneur from Boston to Austin to Silicon Valley racing to shape a better world. And over the past seven years, we've nurtured that spirit...&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;The United States of America is the most powerful nation on Earth. Period. It's not even close. We spend more on our military than the next eight nations combined. Our troops are the finest fighting force in the history of the world. No nation dares to attack us or our allies because they know that's the path to ruin. Surveys show our standing around the world is high... When it comes to every important international issue, people of the world do not look to Beijing or Moscow to lead;?they call us... The world respects us not just for our arsenal; it respects us for our diversity and our openness and the way we respect every faith.&lt;/p&gt;
** [[Barack Obama]], [https://medium.com/@WhiteHouse/president-obama-s-2016-state-of-the-union-address-7c06300f9726#.flsvqkay9 State of the Union address] (12 January 2016)

* But today, more than 150 years after the Emancipation Proclamation, more than 50 years after the end of 'separate but equal', when it comes to getting an education, too many of our young people just can’t be bothered. Today, instead of walking miles every day to school, they're sitting on couches for hours playing video games, watching T.V. Instead of dreaming of being a teacher or a lawyer or a business leader, they're fantasizing about being a baller or a rapper. Right now, one in three African American students are dropping out of high school. Only one in five African Americans between the ages of 25 and 29 has gotten a college degree; one in five.
** [[Michelle Obama|Michelle LeVaughn Robinson Obama]], [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2013/05/17/remarks-first-lady-bowie-state-university-commencement-ceremony remarks at Bowie State University ceremony] (17 May 2013)

* America is the only heaven on earth; is the place closest to the heavenly experience.
** [[w:Bennet Omalu|Bennet Omalu]], as quoted in [http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/sports/league-of-denial/the-frontline-interview-dr-bennet-omalu/ interview with ''Frontline''], PBS.

* The United States performs very well in many measures of well-being relative to most other countries in the Better Life Index. The United States ranks at the top in housing, and income and wealth. They rank above the average in health status, jobs and earnings, education and skills, social connections, personal security, subjective well-being, environmental quality, and civic engagement. Money, while it cannot buy happiness, is an important means to achieving higher living standards. In the United States, the average household net-adjusted disposable income per capita is USD 41,071 a year, more than the OECD average of USD 29,016 a year, and the highest figure in the OECD... In general, Americans are more satisfied with their lives than the OECD average. When asked to rate their general satisfaction with life on a scale from 0 to 10, people in the United States gave it a 6.9 grade, higher than the OECD average of 6.5. 
** [http://www.oecdbetterlifeindex.org/countries/united-states/ &quot;Countries: United States&quot;], ''OECD Better Life Index''

*I listen to people talking about this universal breakdown we are in and I marvel at their stupid cowardice. It is so obvious that they deliberately cheat themselves because their fear of change won't let them face the truth. They don't want to understand what has happened to them. All they want is to start the merry-go-round of blind greed all over again. They no longer know what they want this country to be, what they want it to become, where they want it to go. It has lost all meaning for them except as pig-wallow. And so their lives as citizens have no beginnings, no ends. They have lost the ideal of the Land of the Free. Freedom demands initiative, courage, the need to decide what life must mean to oneself. To them, that is terror. They explain away their spiritual cowardice by whining that the time for individualism is past, when it is their courage to possess their own souls which is dead — and stinking! No, they don't want to be free. Slavery means security — of a kind, the only kind they have courage for. It means they need not to think. They have only to obey orders...
**[[Eugene O'Neill]] ''Days Without End'' (1933)

* The American political system is like a gigantic Mexican Christmas fiesta. Each political party is a huge piñata — a papier-mâché donkey, for example. The donkey is filled with full employment, low interest rates, affordable housing, comprehensive medical benefits, a balanced budget and other goodies. The American voter is blindfoled and given a stick. The voter then swings the stick wildly in every direction, trying to hit a political candidate on the head and knock some sense into the silly bastard.
** [[P. J. O'Rourke]], ''Parliament of Whores'' (1991)

* Wherever there's injustice, oppression, and suffering, America will show up six months late and bomb the country next to where it's happening.
** [[P. J. O'Rourke]], ''Peace Kills: America's Fun New Imperialism'' (2004)

* Now we are doing imperialism with a black face.
** [[w:Chioma Oruh|Chioma Oruh]], interview (12 December 2009), as quoted in [http://www-personal.umich.edu/~mheaney/Partisan_Dynamics_of_Contention.pdf The Partisan Dynamics of Contention: Demobilization of the Anti-War Movement in the United States: 2007-2009&quot;] (2011), by Michael T. Heaney and Fabio Rojas, pp. 59&amp;ndash;60

==P==
[[File:Super Tuesday Vote Utah.jpg|thumb|Average Americans have little or no influence over the making of U.S. government policy. ... Wealthy Americans wield a lot of influence. By investing money in politics, they can turn economic power into political power. ~ [[Benjamin I. Page]] and Martin Gilens]]
[[File:Voting Sign at Night.jpg|thumb|[[w:Multivariate analysis|Multivariate analysis]] indicates that economic elites and organized groups representing business interests have substantial independent impacts on U.S. government policy, while average citizens and mass-based interest groups have little or no independent influence. The results provide substantial support for theories of Economic-Elite Domination, ... but not for theories of Majoritarian Electoral Democracy. ~ Martin Gilens and [[Benjamin I. Page]]]]
[[File:The Earth seen from Apollo 17.jpg|thumb|Fuzziness about the world outside is unique to America. - [[w:Ashraf Pahlavi|Ashraf Pahlavi]]]]
[[File:President Bush and President Kufuor at Osu Castle, 2008.jpg|thumb|The Americans have enough sense to prefer strong and prosperous friends, and they realize that their most lucrative international trade is with other highly industrialized countries, not with weak and backward ones. ~ [[w:Muhammad Reza Pahlavi|Muhammad Reza Pahlavi]]]]
[[File:BattleofLongisland.jpg|thumb|I am as confident, as I am that [[God]] governs the world, that America will never be happy till she gets clear of foreign dominion. Wars, without ceasing, will break out till that period arrives... For though the flame of liberty may sometimes cease to shine, the coal can never expire. ~ [[Thomas Paine]]]]
[[File:011217-N-9769S-207 Ready for Working Party.jpg|thumb|The cause of America is in a great measure the cause of all mankind. ~ [[Thomas Paine]]]]
[[File:Battle of Springfield NJ 1780.jpg|thumb|We fight not to enslave, but to set a country free, and to make room upon the earth for honest men to live in. ~ [[Thomas Paine]]]]
[[File:Inside the United States Supreme Court.jpg|thumb|In America, the law is king. ~ [[Thomas Paine]]]]
[[File:Hopkinson Flag.svg|thumb|Our citizenship in the United States is our national character. Our citizenship in any particular state is only our local distinction. By the latter we are known at home, by the former to the world. Our great title is Americans. ~ [[Thomas Paine]]]]
[[File:AdoptionOf13thAmendment.jpg|thumb|If Americans should now turn back, submit again to slavery, it would be a betrayal so base the human race might better perish. ~ [[Isabel Paterson]]]]
[[File:Pattonphoto.jpg|thumb|Men, all this stuff you hear about America not wanting to fight, wanting to stay out of the war, is a lot of bullshit. Americans love to fight. All real Americans love the sting and clash of battle. When you were kids, you all admired the champion marble shooter, the fastest runner, the big-league ball players and the toughest boxers. Americans love a winner and will not tolerate a loser. Americans play to win all the time. ~ [[George S. Patton]]]]
[[File:OCPA-2005-08-11-080331.jpg|thumb|The crimes of the United States have been systematic, constant, vicious, remorseless, but very few people have actually talked about them. You have to hand it to America. It has exercised a quite clinical manipulation of power worldwide while masquerading as a force for universal good. It’s a brilliant, even witty, highly successful act of hypnosis. ~ [[Harold Pinter]]]]
[[File:US flag 44 stars.svg|thumb|I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all. ~ [[Pledge of Allegiance|Pledge of Allegiance to flag of the United States]] (1923–1954)]]
[[File:Flag of the United States (Pantone).svg|thumb|I love our flag, our constitution, and our country, with a love that has no bounds. I defended all three for 35 years as a soldier and was willing to give my life in their defense. Americans revere their flag as a symbol of the nation. ~ [[Colin Powell]]]]
[[File:German us citizenship 01.jpg|thumb|Did we say, 'Okay, we defeated Germany. Now [[Germany]] belongs to us? We defeated Japan, so [[Japan]] belongs to us'? No. What did we do? We built them up. We gave them democratic systems which they have embraced totally to their soul. And did we ask for any land? No. The only land we ever asked for was enough land to bury our dead, and that is the kind of nation we are. ~ [[Colin Powell]]]]
[[File:050116-N-4729H-146 Sailors from Naval Air Station Joint Reserve Base Willow Grove, Pa. hold a giant American flag in a National Football League pregame ceremony in Philadelphia between the Philadelphia Eagles and Minnes.jpg|thumb|Most Americans no longer know what America stands for. For them, America has become just another country, a place located between Canada and Mexico. But America was founded to be an idea, not another country. ~ [[Dennis Prager]]]]
[[File:Citizenship_naturalization_ceremony_140703-N-WF272-030.jpg|thumb|The ''Declaration of Independence'', the document that articulated the principle of human rights endowed by the Creator, thereby ultimately ensuring the end of slavery, and led to the establishment of the country that has served as the beacon of hope for people of every race and ethnicity. More black Africans have voluntarily emigrated to the United States to seek liberty and opportunity than came to America as slaves... America gradually became the least-xenophobic, least-racist nation in the world. In no country do people become accepted as full members of the society as do immigrants to America. ~ [[Dennis Prager]]]]
[[File:Voting machine lever.jpg|thumb|The U.S. is a very democratic state. There's no doubt about that; and it originally developed as a democratic state. When the first settlers set their foot on the continent, life forced them to forge a relationship and maintain a dialogue with each other to survive. ~ [[Vladimir Putin]]]]
* Average Americans have little or no influence over the making of U.S. government policy. ... Wealthy Americans wield a lot of influence. By investing money in politics, they can turn economic power into political power.
** [[Benjamin I. Page]] and Martin Gilens, ''Democracy in America?: What Has Gone Wrong and What We Can Do About It'' ([[w:University of Chicago Press|University of Chicago Press]]: 2017), p. 90

* I found that many Americans did not even know that a country named [[w:History_of_Iran#Pahlavi_era_.281925.E2.80.931979.29|Iran]] existed, let alone what it was like. Even among the diplomatic corps and among well-educated people, there was a vagueness about who the Iranians were or what the culture was, a tendency to confuse Iran with [[Iraq]] or to mistakenly assume that Iran is an Arab country simply because it is an Islamic nation. This fuzziness about the world outside is unique to America; among the intelligensia of European countries, for example, there is generally a higher level of awareness and information regarding cultures other than their own.
** [[wikipedia:Ashraf Pahlavi|Ashraf Pahlavi]], as quoted in ''Faces in a Mirror'' (1980), Prentice Hall, page 100.

* I am continually amused by the Communist argument that the United States tries to prevent the [[less-developed countries]] from industrializing in order to keep them subservient to herself. In our extended dealings with the American aid authorities, we have never found this to be the case; on the contrary, they have helped us with a wide variety of industrial projects, including those that compete directly with American industries. The Americans have enough sense to prefer strong and prosperous friends, and they realize that their most lucrative international trade is with other highly industrialized countries, not with weak and backward ones.
** [[w:Muhammad Reza Pahlavi|Muhammad Reza Pahlavi]], as quoted in ''Mission for my Country'' (1961), London, p. 301.

* To Americans, [[Slavery|that some desperate wretches should be willing to steal and enslave men by violence and murder for gain]], is rather lamentable than strange. But that many civilized, nay, christianized people should approve, and be concerned in the savage practice, is surprising; and still persist, though it has been so often proved contrary to the light of nature, to every principle of Justice and Humanity, and even good policy, by a succession of eminent men, and several late publications.
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[s:African Slavery in America|African Slavery in America]]'' (1775).

* The cause of America is in a great measure the cause of all mankind... Mingling religion with politics may be disavowed and reprobated by every inhabitant of America... But where says some is the King of America? I'll tell you Friend, he reigns above, and doth not make havoc of mankind like the Royal Brute of [[Great Britain|Britain]]. Yet that we may not appear to be defective even in earthly honors, let a day be solemnly set apart for proclaiming the charter; let it be brought forth placed on the divine law, the word of God; let a crown be placed thereon, by which the world may know, that so far as we approve as monarchy, that in America the law is king... Receive the fugitive and prepare in time an asylum for mankind.
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[s:Common Sense|Common Sense]]'' (14 February 1776).

* Not a place upon [[earth]] might be so happy as [[w:United States|America]]. Her situation is remote from all the wrangling world, and she has nothing to do but to trade with them. A man can distinguish himself between temper and principle, and I am as confident, as I am that [[God]] governs the world, that America will never be happy till she gets clear of foreign dominion. Wars, without ceasing, will break out till that period arrives, and the continent must in the end be conqueror; for though the flame of liberty may sometimes cease to shine, the coal can never expire.
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''The Crisis No. I'' (23 December 1776).

* It is the object only of war that makes it honorable. And if there was ever a just war since the world began, it is this in which America is now engaged... We fight not to enslave, but to set a country free, and to make room upon the earth for honest men to live in.
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[s:The Crisis No. IV|The Crisis No. IV]]'' (12 September 1777). Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), pp. 841-60.

* Our citizenship in the United States is our national character. Our citizenship in any particular state is only our local distinction. By the latter we are known at home, by the former to the world. Our great title is AMERICANS.
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[s:The Crisis No. XIII|The Crisis No. XIII]]'' (April 1783).

* In American government, just as in Europe,the constitution is composed in such a way as to secure therule of  a governing minority. The President of the U.S. may shake hands with the poorest fellow; but president and Senate have more power than King and upper houses have in most Europe. 
** [[Anton Panneokoek]], ''Workers' Councils''

* Americans smile all the time. I remember when I walked in the street, if my eyes met others' eyes; most of them gave me a friendly smile. At first, it felt really strange and awkward because I was not good at smiling at strangers. However, as time passed, I realized a smile could make me happy all day. I tried to give happy smiles to people as much as I could... I prefer the U.S. to South Korea. The most critical reason is that living in the U.S. makes me feel equal to others... I would like to go to graduate school in the U.S. Not only because I like America's diverse culture, but also because studying abroad helps me.
** Ji-woo Park, as quoted in [https://web.archive.org/web/20160415030440/https://www.nknews.org/2013/08/a-north-korean-in-new-york-city-says-goodbye/ &quot;A North Korean in New York City says goodbye&quot;] (10 August 2013), by Nara Han, ''NK News''

* Whoever is fortunate enough to be an American citizen came into the greatest inheritance man has ever enjoyed. He has had the benefit of every heroic and intellectual effort men have made for many thousands of years, realized at last. If Americans should now turn back, submit again to slavery, it would be a betrayal so base the human race might better perish.
** [[Isabel Paterson]], ''The God of the Machine'' (1943), p. 292.

* Government has no right to treat all Americans as criminals by spying on their relationship with their doctors, employers, or bankers.
** [[Ron Paul]], [http://www.house.gov/paul/congrec/congrec2000/ss051800.htm Statement before the subcommittee on Government Management, Information, and Technology] (18 May 2000)

* America is the most moral nation on earth, founded on moral principles.
** [[Ron Paul]], [http://www.house.gov/paul/congrec/congrec2002/cr090402.htm Speech before the U.S. House of Representatives] (4 September 2002), Washington, D.C.

* America was founded by men who understood that the threat of domestic tyranny is as great as any threat from abroad.
** [[Ron Paul]], [http://www.house.gov/paul/tst/tst2004/tst053104.htm ''Freedom vs. Security: A False Choice''] (31 May 2004)

* Despite what Obama says, racism is not passed along in DNA through the generations. If that were the case, America wouldn't be the tolerant, multi-racial country it is today. Yes, America, like the vast majority of the rest of the world, at one time participated in slavery. While the sin of slavery is not justified, it is important to acknowledge that the sin of slavery isn't a uniquely American sin, but rather one of mankind throughout the course of history. Further, owning slaves is not a sin unique to white people; in fact, black Africans sold other blacks into slavery, and still do today. Slavery is uniquely human, but societies and countries that respect human dignity, like America, have stopped the horrifying practice. America had the dignity to end slavery through a civil war and has since moved forward to correct wrongs with the civil rights movement, affirmative action, legislation, popular culture and much more. Institutional racism is no longer prevalent in the ways the left claims. Obama, elected twice by American voters, is black, as is former Attorney General Eric Holder and current Attorney General Loretta Lynch. There are a number of blacks serving in the U.S. Congress, including Republican Senator Tim Scott and Congresswoman Mia Love, Utah. The likes of Oprah Winfrey and Beyoncé are business and pop culture icons. Look around the world and you'll find that America is the most tolerant and open society on earth. The World Values Survey shows India, not the United States, is in fact the most racist country with a class system. The same survey has shown for years that Americans are among the least racist in the world and therefore are the most tolerant. Do racists exist in this country? Of course they do. Is their racism sanctioned by the government and celebrated by fellow citizens? Absolutely not. In fact, the Charleston shooter, who I refuse to name, told friends he felt isolated and alone in his evil, racist views. That's a silver lining. As a society we have corrected many of the wrongs of slavery and racism, the individuals who have not corrected their racist views are an innumerable minority roundly and strongly condemned by the rest of society. The Charleston shooter’s feelings about race are the exception, not the rule, in this country. This is demonstrated by the response in Charleston of blacks and whites holding hands and coming together, not apart, to honor the memory of those who were killed. America isn't a racist country, not even close, and it certainly isn't a 'white supremacist' society. The left falsely saying so promotes not progress but division. American history includes slavery and racism, but its current status and future as a whole does not. The people who lost loved ones at Emanuel AME Church have forgiven their killer. It's time the left does the same with America for her long past sins.
** [[w:Katie Pavlich|Catherine M. Pavlich]], [http://thehill.com/opinion/katie-pavlich/246440-katie-pavlich-america-is-not-racist &quot;Katie Pavlich: America Is Not Racist&quot;] (29 June 2015), ''The Hill'', News Communications, Inc.

* Men, all this stuff you hear about America not wanting to fight, wanting to stay out of the war, is a lot of bullshit. Americans love to fight. All real Americans love the sting and clash of battle. When you were kids, you all admired the champion marble shooter, the fastest runner, the big-league ball players and the toughest boxers. Americans love a winner and will not tolerate a loser. Americans play to win all the time. That's why Americans have never lost and will never lose a war. The very thought of losing is hateful to Americans.
** [[w:George S. Patton|George S. Patton]], ''Speech to the Third Army''

* There's a great deal of criticism about the United States, but there is one thing that nobody criticizes the United States. Nobody thinks the United States went to [[w:2003 invasion of Iraq|strike against Iraq]] in order to gain land or water or oil, nobody thinks America has any ambitions about real estate. As it happened in the 20th century, the American boys went to fight in two world wars, many of them lost their lives. The United States won the wars, won the land, but you gave back every piece of it. America didn't keep anything out of her victories for herself. You gave back Japan, an improved Japan, you gave Germany, an improved Germany, you've heard the Marshall Plan. And today, I do not believe there is any serious person on earth who thinks the United States, whether you agree or don't agree with this strike, has any egoistic or material purposes in the war against Iraq. The reason is, for this strike, that you cannot let the world run wild. And people who are coming from different corners of our life, attack and kill women and children and innocent people, just out of the blue. And I think the whole world is lucky that there is a United States that has the will and the power to handle the new danger that has arrived on the 21st century.
** [[Shimon Peres]], [http://www.iop.harvard.edu/events_forum_archive_2004.html speech] (20 October 2004).

* Americans will always fight for liberty.
** [[w:Bernard Perlin|Bernard Perlin]], ''[[w:Americans Will Always Fight for Liberty|Americans Will Always Fight for Liberty]]'' (1943)

* &lt;p&gt;The cry that we have entered upon our [[United States imperialism|imperial course]] in order to benefit the native populations in the lands that we have conquered is an old one. ... I have before me [[w:William McKinley|McKinley's]] proclamation to the Filipinos, and I have placed it side by side with a proclamation of the King of Assyria, written eighteen hundred years before Christ. A man would think that McKinley had plagiarized the idea from [[w:Ashurbanipal|Asshurbanipal]]. ... &lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Each act of aggression, each new expedition of conquest is prefaced by a pronouncement containing a moral justification and an assurance to the victims of the imperial aggression that all is being done for their benefit.&lt;/p&gt;
** Senator [[Richard F. Pettigrew]], ''Imperial Washington'' (1922), pp. [http://books.google.com/books?id=ZKwcAAAAMAAJ&amp;pg=345 345-347]

* Under the banner of the American flag, there have been brutal injustices, including slavery, the systematic destruction of Native Americans, the imprisonment of Japanese Americans and the disenfranchisement of women.  But due to other, far-nobler attributes of the United States of America, and the heroic sacrifices of the Americans who carried the flag into battle, the 'Star Spangled Banner' symbolizes freedom, liberty and equality all over the world.
** [[w:Scott Pinsker|Scott Pinsker]], [http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2015/06/22/confederate-flag-and-party-lincoln.html &quot;Republicans: The Confederate flag and the party of Lincoln&quot;] (22 June 2015), ''Fox News''.

* The crimes of the United States have been systematic, constant, vicious, remorseless, but very few people have actually talked about them. You have to hand it to America. It has exercised a quite clinical manipulation of power worldwide while masquerading as a force for universal good. It’s a brilliant, even witty, highly successful act of hypnosis.
** [[Harold Pinter]], &quot;Art, Truth &amp; Politics,&quot; [http://nobelprize.org/nobel_prizes/literature/laureates/2005/pinter-lecture-e.html  Nobel lecture (7 December 2005)]

* I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
** [[Pledge of Allegiance|Pledge of Allegiance to the United States of America]] (1923&amp;ndash;1954)

* I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
** [[Pledge of Allegiance|Pledge of Allegiance to the United States of America]] (1954&amp;ndash;present)

* I love our flag, our constitution, and our country, with a love that has no bounds. I defended all three for 35 years as a soldier and was willing to give my life in their defense. Americans revere their flag as a symbol of the nation.
**[[Colin Powell]], [https://www.aclu.org/free-speech/letter-colin-powell letter to Patrick Leahy] (18 May 1999)

* Far from being the Great Satan, I would say that [[w:United States|we]] are the Great Protector. We have sent men and women from the armed forces of the United States to other parts of the world throughout the past century to put down oppression. We defeated Fascism. We defeated Communism. We saved Europe in World War I and World War II. We were willing to do it, glad to do it. We went to Korea. We went to Vietnam. All in the interest of preserving the rights of people. And when all those conflicts were over, what did we do? Did we stay and conquer? Did we say, 'Okay, we defeated Germany. Now Germany belongs to us? We defeated Japan, so Japan belongs to us'? No. What did we do? We built them up. We gave them democratic systems which they have embraced totally to their soul. And did we ask for any land? No. The only land we ever asked for was enough land to bury our dead, and that is the kind of nation we are.
** [[Colin Powell]], as quoted in [https://web.archive.org/web/20020220234413/http://www.cnn.com/2002/ALLPOLITICS/02/15/powell.mtv/index.html ''MTV Global Discussion''] (14 February 2002)

* Well, the correct answer is, [[Barack Obama|he]] is not a Muslim, he's a Christian. He's always been a Christian. But the really right answer is, what if he is? Is there something wrong with being a Muslim in this country? The answer's no, that's not America. 
** [[Colin Powell]], as quoted in [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/27266223/page/2/ ''Meet the Press''] (19 October 2008)

* Some anti-Americanism derives simply from our being a colossus that bestrides the earth. This resentment may be incurable. But much anti-Americanism derives from the role U.S. political, economic, and military power has played in denying such freedoms to others.  U.S. foreign policy has to be rethought. It needs not tweaking but overhauling. We need: a historical reckoning with crimes committed, sponsored, or permitted by the United States. [..] A country has to look back before it can move forward. Instituting a doctrine of the mea culpa would enhance our credibility by showing that American decision-makers do not endorse the sins of their predecessors. When [[Willy Brandt|Brandt]] went down on one knee in the Warsaw ghetto [in 1970], his gesture was gratifying to World War II survivors, but it was also ennobling and cathartic for Germany. Would such an approach be futile for the United States?
** [[Samantha Power]], article in ''The New Republic'', 2003. Quoted in [http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424127887323844804578527181938275090.html?mod=googlenews_wsj ''The Wall Street Journal''].

* In America, Jews live in unprecedented equality and security, and America is Israel's defender. The reason is not just that America is so tolerant a society. America does not merely tolerate Jews and Judaism, it honors them. It does so in large part because the United States is the only country that has long defined itself as Judeo-Christian. There are Christian countries, secular countries, and Muslim countries, but America is the only Judeo-Christian country.
** [https://books.google.com/books?id=VK0llzUqQ2YC&amp;dq=%22Why+the+Jews%22&amp;source=gbs_navlinks_s ''Why the Jews?: The Reason for Antisemitism''] (2003), by [[Dennis Prager]] and Joseph Telushkin, p. xviii

* America-hatred has become a moral litmus test of nations, regimes, and individuals. America represents freedom, a higher quality of life, and a willingness to fight for its values. These qualities are despised by regimes characterized by tyranny and socioeconomic failure, and by individuals in the west who support such regimes or who wish to denigrate America for reasons akin to those of antisemites in their denigration of Jews. With all its flaws, America alone stands between democracy and the ascent of tyranny throughout the world.
** [https://books.google.com/books?id=VK0llzUqQ2YC&amp;dq=%22Why+the+Jews%22&amp;source=gbs_navlinks_s ''Why the Jews?: The Reason for Antisemitism''] (2003), by Dennis Prager and Joseph Telushkin, p. 194

* It is small surprise that among tyrannical regimes and their defenders, America and Israel are so often identified as the same enemy. This is not merely a consequence of America's standing along behind Israel; the United States has aided various Arab countries very generously, and it has on some critical occasions backed Arab regimes, such as Nasser's Egypt in 1956 and Saudi Arabia in 1981, against Israel. The hostility is aroused largely because America and Israel represent democracy, equal rights for women, a higher quality of life, and a willingness to confront despotism. That is why the two non-Muslim countries that have suffered the heaviest lossest from Islamic suicide murderers are Israel and the United States.
** [https://books.google.com/books?id=VK0llzUqQ2YC&amp;dq=%22Why+the+Jews%22&amp;source=gbs_navlinks_s ''Why the Jews?: The Reason for Antisemitism''] (2003), by Dennis Prager and Joseph Telushkin, p. 194

* Yet despite all this hatred, America remains the dreamed-for haven of the world's oppressed; and Israel remains and embattled democracy in the midst of authoritarian states, and the birthplace of the kibbutz to which tens of thousands of youth from around the world have turned for a living lesson in human equality. America today with all its imperfections represents a model of something better, fighting for its ideals and in so doing constituting a moral challenge to others.
** [https://books.google.com/books?id=VK0llzUqQ2YC&amp;dq=%22Why+the+Jews%22&amp;source=gbs_navlinks_s ''Why the Jews?: The Reason for Antisemitism''] (2003), by Dennis Prager and Joseph Telushkin, p. 195

* Thomas Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence, the document that articulated the principle of human rights endowed by the Creator, thereby ultimately ensuring the end of slavery, and led to the establishment of the country that has served as the beacon of hope for people of every race and ethnicity. More black Africans have voluntarily emigrated to the United States to seek liberty and opportunity than came to America as slaves... Conservatives view America as President Abraham Lincoln viewed it; as the 'Last Best Hope of Earth'... America gradually became the least-xenophobic, least-racist nation in the world. In no country do people become accepted as full members of the society as do immigrants to America.
** [[Dennis Prager]], [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/421681/why-left-hates-america-dennis-prager &quot;Why the Left Hates America&quot;] (28 July 2015), ''National Review''

* Most Americans no longer know what America stands for. For them, America has become just another country, a place located between Canada and Mexico. But America was founded to be an idea, not another country.
** [[Dennis Prager]], [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/435195/donald-trump-won-because-many-republicans-arent-conservative &quot;The Scariest Reason Trump Won&quot;] (10 May 2016), ''National Review''

* When the thirteen stripes and stars first appeared at Canton, much curiosity was excited among the people. News was circulated that a strange ship had arrived from the further end of the world, bearing a flag 'as beautiful as a flower'. Every body went to see the ''kwa kee chuen'', or 'flower flagship'. This name at once established itself in the language, and America is now called the kwa kee kwoh, the 'flower flag country', and an American, ''kwa kee kwoh yin'', 'flower flag countryman', a more complimentary designation than that of 'red headed barbarian', the name first bestowed upon the Dutch.
** [[w:George Henry Preble|George H. Preble]], as quoted in &quot;Curiosa Sinica&quot; (15 June 1843), by Choong Kwoh, ''The Boston Courier''

* I gazed on the mountains in grandeur majestic,&lt;br&gt;I gazed on the vales&amp;mdash;they were fruitful and fair;&lt;br&gt;I gazed with delight on the lakes and the fountains,&lt;br&gt;I gazed on the banner&amp;mdash;the eagle was there.&lt;br&gt;&quot;E pluribus unum&quot; exultingly waves,&lt;br&gt;E pluribus unum! what freemen and slaves?&lt;br&gt;The genius of liberty, maiden celestial,&lt;br&gt;Sat nigh that gay banner attempting to smile;&lt;br&gt;Alternately gazing on eagle and fetters,&lt;br&gt;The tears from her eyes trickled down all the while,&lt;br&gt;And she sighed where the banner of liberty waves,&lt;br&gt;o'er traitors, and tyrants, and heart-broken slaves.
** ''The Primitive Methodist Magazine'', 1862, p. 64 (written 1835)

* I bow my head to the victims of terrorism. I am highly impressed of the courage of New York residents. The great city and the great American nation are to win!
** [[Vladimir Putin]], [http://web.archive.org/web/20031117142036/http://www.kremlin.ru/events/photos/2001/11/39974.shtml inscription at the World Trade Center Memorial Wall] (15 November 2001).

* The U.S. is a very democratic state. There's no doubt about that; and it originally developed as a democratic state. When the first settlers set their foot on the continent, life forced them to forge a relationship and maintain a dialogue with each other to survive. That's why America was conceived as a fundamental democracy.
** [[Vladimir Putin]], [http://web.archive.org/web/20130614041959/http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=33oIF-ggK5U interview] (2013).

* If [[Malcolm X]] or the Black Panthers had attempted to set up a separate black state on American soil in the tradition of [[John Brown]], their efforts would have been crushed immediately. ... A nation which, since its founding, has rejected the idea of hereditary entitlements. Slavery and racial discrimination are exceptions to this tradition. Huge, horrific exceptions, but exceptions nonetheless. For all the hypocrisies and bigotries of its citizens and leaders, the United States does promise liberty, equality and justice. The gap between these promises and realities often yaws wide, but the promises abide. They are part of the 'American Dream', the 'American Creed', and the American 'civil religion', which no amount of 'realism' or cynicism seems able to smother.
** [[w:Jeffrey J. Pyle|Jeff Pyle]], [http://lawdigitalcommons.bc.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=2124&amp;context=bclr &quot;Race, Equality and the Rule of Law: Critical Race Theory's Attack on the Promises of Liberalism&quot;] (May 1999), ''Boston College Law Review''

* No group in American history has had more reason to disbelieve America's promises than African Americans... Imbued with Christianity and the American Creed, most black Americans rejected the appeals of socialists in the late nineteenth century, Communists in the 1930s, and neo-Marxist 'liberationists' in the 1960s. Rather, when America's unpaid 'promissory note' came due in the 1950s and 1960s, they marched forth from Christian churches to demand fulfillment of the very American promise that 'all men are created equal'. And faith in the redeemability of America's promises remains in the African-American community today, sustaining efforts to overcome continued segregation, unjust incarceration and enduring economic inequality.
** [[w:Jeffrey J. Pyle|Jeff Pyle]], [http://lawdigitalcommons.bc.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=2124&amp;context=bclr &quot;Race, Equality and the Rule of Law: Critical Race Theory's Attack on the Promises of Liberalism&quot;] (May 1999), ''Boston College Law Review''

==R==
[[File:Battle of Fort Donelson.png|thumb|American soldiers are warriors for freedom. ~ [[w:Blackrain4xmas|Black Rain]]]]
[[File:090707-N-5345W-103 - RADM Michelle Howard, commander, Expeditionary Strike Group (ESG) 2, visits with junior enlisted sailors during a visit to the amphibious dock landing ship USS Fort McHenry (LSD-43).jpg|thumb|Throughout history the American fighting man and woman has served the ideals that everyone, not just those lucky enough to be born between two oceans and imaginary fences, was born with the God-given rights to live, to live with representative governments, and to pursue their own happiness, regardless of culture, color, race, religion, and so forth. ~ [[w:Blackrain4xmas|Black Rain]]]]
[[File:Battle of Fredericksburg, Dec 13, 1862.png|thumb|American soldiers have always comprised an army out to set others free. ~ [[w:Blackrain4xmas|Black Rain]]]]
[[File:Uncle Sam's Thanksgiving Dinner (November 1869), by Thomas Nast.jpg|thumb|[[Blood]] that has soaked into the sands of a beach is all of one color. [[America]] stands unique in the world: the only country not founded on [[race]] but on a way, an [[ideal]]. Not in spite of but because of our [[Wiktionary:polyglot|polyglot]] background, we have had all the [[strength]] in the [[world]]. That is the [[American way]]. ~ [[Ronald Reagan]]]]
[[File:USS Theodore Roosevelt (CVN 71) 2015 Deployment 150331-N-GN619-031.jpg|thumb|The United States is based on a simple premise. The United States does not start fights. We will never be an aggressor. We maintain our strength in order to deter and defend against aggression; to preserve freedom and peace. ~ [[Ronald Reagan]]]]
[[File:Civil rights march on washington dc schools.tif|thumb|[[w:United States|This nation]] was created to give expression, validity and purpose to our spiritual heritage—the supreme worth of the individual. In such a nation—a nation dedicated to the proposition that [[w:All men are created equal|all men are created equal]]—racial discrimination has no place. ~ ''Republican Party Platform of 1960'']]
[[File:Bundesarchiv Bild 102-09844, Mussolini in Mailand.jpg|thumb|Strangely, it is always America that is described as degenerate and 'fascist', while it is solely in Europe that actual dictatorships and totalitarian regimes spring up. ~ [[Jean-François Revel|Jean-Francois Revel]]]]
[[File:Constitution Day Naturalization Ceremony (7996948236).jpg|thumb|We are a nation of many nationalities, many races, many religions, bound together by a single unity, the unity of freedom and equality. Whoever seeks to set one nationality against another, seeks to degrade all nationalities. Whoever seeks to set one race against another seeks to enslave all races. Whoever seeks to set one religion against another, seeks to destroy all religion. ~ [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]]]]
[[File:US Navy 070515-N-9134V-011 Active duty Sailors and Soldiers proudly wave their flags in celebration of becoming America^rsquo,s newest citizens during a naturalization ceremony.jpg|thumb|Remember always that all of us, and you and I especially, are descended from immigrants. ~ [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]]]]
[[File:US Navy 030808-N-0275F-501 Store Keeper 3rd Class Safouane King-Elalaoui^rsquo,s daughter waves to the camera at the Naturalization Ceremony, Petty Officer King-Elalaoui is one of over 200 individuals that took the oath to beco.jpg|thumb|There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn't an American at all. We have room for but one flag, the American flag. ~ [[Theodore Roosevelt]]]]
[[File:DuskDetroit.jpg|thumb|The immigrant who comes here in good faith becomes an American and assimilates himself to us, he shall be treated on an exact equality with everyone else, for it is an outrage to discriminate against any such man because of creed, or birthplace, or origin. But this is predicated upon the man's becoming in very fact an American, and nothing but an American. If he tries to keep segregated with men of his own origin and separated from the rest of America, then he isn't doing his part as an American. ~ [[Theodore Roosevelt]]]]
[[File:Immigrants to the United States take the Oath of Allegiance.jpg|thumb|[[w:United States|This great republic, a republic in which the tongue is English, and the blood derived from many sources]]. ~ [[Theodore Roosevelt]]]]
[[File:First Colored Senator and Representatives.png|thumb|[[w:United States|As a people we]] claim the right to speak with peculiar emphasis for freedom and for fair treatment of all men without regard to differences of race, fortune, creed, or color. ~ [[Theodore Roosevelt]]]]
[[File:US Navy 070727-N-8047K-001 Lance Cpl. Luis Camacho, a legalman at Naval Legal Services Office Central, aboard Naval Air Station Pensacola, holds up the American flag that was given to him during a naturalization ceremony.jpg|thumb|Duties are reciprocal, and from the standpoint of American patriotism, one is as important as the other. ~ [[Theodore Roosevelt]]]]
[[File:USMC-051017-M-6508B-004.jpg|thumb|Americanism is a matter of the spirit and of the soul. Our allegiance must be purely to the United States. We must unsparingly condemn any man who holds any other allegiance. But if he is heartily and singly loyal to [[w:United States|this republic]], then no matter where he was born, he is just as good an American as anyone else. ~ [[Theodore Roosevelt]]]]
[[File:Usdepartmentofjustice.jpg|thumb|The cornerstone of [[w:United States|this republic]], as of all free governments, is respect for and obedience to the law. Where we permit the law to be defied or evaded, whether by rich man or poor man, by [[w:African American|black]] man or white, we are by just so much weakening the bonds of our civilization and increasing the chances of its overthrow. ~ [[Theodore Roosevelt]]]]
[[File:German us citizenship 02.jpg|thumb|Every man has a right to one country. He has a right to love and serve that country and to feel that it is absolutely his country and that he has in it every right possessed by anyone else. It is our duty to require the man of German blood who is an American citizen to give up all allegiance to Germany wholeheartedly and without on his part any mental reservation whatever. ~ [[Theodore Roosevelt]]]]
[[File:The Father and Mother.jpg|thumb|Capitalism’s gratuitous wars and sanctioned greed have jeopardized the planet and filled it with refugees. Much of the blame for this rests squarely on the shoulders of the government of the United States. ...Over these last few years, given the wars it has waged, and the international treaties it has arbitrarily reneged on, the US Government perfectly fits its own definition of a rogue state.  ~ [[Arundhati Roy]] ]]
[[File:Martin Luther King - March on Washington.jpg|thumb|All of us, no matter from what land our parents came, no matter in what way we may severally worship our Creator, must stand shoulder to shoulder in a united America for the elimination of race and religious prejudice. We must stand for a reign of equal justice to both big and small. ~ [[Theodore Roosevelt]]]]
[[File:Taliban beating woman in public RAWA.jpg|thumb|Terrorists aren't trying to kill us because we offended them. They attack us because they want to impose their view of the world on as many people as they can, and America is standing in their way. ~ [[Marco Rubio]]]]
* The modern nation-state is supposed to be synonymous with identity. When people ask us what we are, we're inclined to say we're American.
** [[w:Raboteau|Raboteau]], as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=vnnGAgAAQBAJ&amp;printsec=frontcover ''Searching for Zion, The Quest for Home in the African Diaspora''] (2013), by [[w:Emily Raboteau|Emily Raboteau]], Atlantic Monthly Press, p. 64.

* In my travels, I learned what people really thought of us. Americans were greedy, domineering, self-righteous, and dumb. Too easily, I agreed with these stereotypes.
** [[w:Emily Raboteau|Emily Raboteau]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=vnnGAgAAQBAJ&amp;printsec=frontcover ''Searching for Zion, The Quest for Home in the African Diaspora''] (2013), Atlantic Monthly Press, p. 21.

* American soldiers are warriors for freedom. While the motives of their political leaders vary and can be debated, by and large, throughout history the American fighting man and woman has served the ideals that everyone, not just those lucky enough to be born between two oceans and imaginary fences, was born with the God-given rights to live, to live with representative governments, and to pursue their own happiness, regardless of culture, color, race, religion, and so forth. American soldiers have always comprised an army out to set others free.
** [[w:Blackrain4xmas|Black Rain]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cy3iiGUfAsk &quot;Operation Freedom&quot;] (22 May 2007), ''YouTube''.

* Discrimination against the Negro race in this country is unjust, is unworthy of a high-minded people whose example should have a salutary influence in the world.
** [[Joseph Hayne Rainey]], [https://web.archive.org/web/20141009081941/http://www.law.nyu.edu/sites/default/files/RaineyDec101873.pdf speech about the Civil Rights Act under consideration which was passed in 1875] (19 December 1873), as quoted in [https://web.archive.org/web/20141009081941/http://www.law.nyu.edu/sites/default/files/RaineyDec101873.pdf ''Neglected Voices''], New York University School of Law.

* America's abundance was created not by public sacrifices to the common good, but by the productive genius of free men who pursued their own personal interests and the making of their own private fortunes. They did not starve the people to pay for America's industrialization. They gave the people better jobs, higher [[wages]], and cheaper goods with every new machine they invented, with every scientific discovery or technological advance- and thus the whole country was moving forward and profiting, not suffering, every step of the way.
** [[Ayn Rand]], ''Capitalism: The Unknown Ideal'' (1966).

* Businessmen are the one group that distinguishes capitalism and the American way of life from the totalitarian statism that is swallowing the rest of the world. All the other social groups- workers, farmers, professional men, scientists, soldiers- exist under dictatorships, even though they exist in chains, in terror, in misery, and in progressive self-destruction. But there is no such group as businessmen under a dictatorship. Their place is taken by armed thugs: by bureaucrats and commissars. Businessmen are the symbol of a free society, the symbol of America.
** [[Ayn Rand]], ''Capitalism: The Unknown Ideal'' (1966).

* Every movement that seeks to enslave a country, every dictatorship or potential dictatorship, needs some minority group as a scapegoat which it can blame for the nation's troubles and use as a justification of its own demands for dictatorial powers. In [[Russia|Soviet Russia]], the scapegoat was the bourgeoisie; in [[Germany|Nazi Germany]], it was the Jewish people; in America, it is the businessmen.
** [[Ayn Rand]], ''Capitalism: The Unknown Ideal'' (1966).

* The most profound breach in this country is not between the rich and the poor, but between the people and the intellectuals. In their view of life, the American people are predominantly Apollonian. The mainstream intellectuals are Dionysian. This means the people are reality-oriented, common sense-oriented, technology-oriented. The intellectuals call this &quot;materialistic,&quot; and &quot;middle-class.&quot; The intellectuals are emotion-oriented, and seek in panic an escape from a reality they are unable to deal with, and from a technological civilization that ignores their feelings.
** [[Ayn Rand]], ''Apollo and Dionysus'' (1969).

* Try to tell a [[Russia]]n housewife, who trudges miles on foot in sub-zero weather in order to spend hours standing in line at a state store dispensing food rations, that America is defiled by shopping centers, expressways and family cars.
** [[Ayn Rand]], ''The New Left: The Anti-Industrial Revolution'' (1971).

* Thanksgiving is a typically American holiday. The lavish meal is a symbol of the fact that abundant consumption is the result and reward of production.
** [[Ayn Rand]], as quoted in ''The Ayn Rand Letter''.

* I can say, not as a patriotic bromide, but with full knowledge of the necessary metaphysical, epistemological, ethical, political, and aesthetic roots, that the United States of America is the greatest, the noblest and, in its original founding principles, the only moral country in the history of the world.
** [[Ayn Rand]], ''Philosophy: Who Needs It'' (1982).

* We hear much of [[Special-interest group|special interest groups]]. Well our concern must be for a special interest group that has been too long neglected. It knows no sectional boundaries, or ethnic and racial divisions, and it crosses political party lines. It is made up of men and women who raise our food, patrol our streets, man our mines and factories, teach our children, keep our homes, and heal us when we’re sick -- [[Professional|professionals]], [[industrialists]], shopkeepers, clerks, cabbies, and truck drivers. They are, in short, “We the People.” This breed called Americans. Well, this Administration’s objective will be a healthy, vigorous, growing economy that provides equal opportunities for all Americans with no barriers born of bigotry or [[discrimination]]. Putting America back to work means putting all Americans back to work. Ending [[inflation]] means freeing all Americans from the terror of runaway living costs. All must share in the productive work of this “new beginning,” and all must share in the bounty of a revived economy. With the idealism and fair play which are the core of our system and our strength, we can have a strong and prosperous America at peace with itself and the world. So as we begin, let us take inventory.
** [[Ronald Reagan]], [https://www.americanrhetoric.com/speeches/ronaldreagandfirstinaugural.html First Inaugural Address], (20 January 1981) 
* The defense policy of the United States is based on a simple premise. The United States does not start fights. We will never be an aggressor. We maintain our strength in order to deter and defend against aggression; to preserve freedom and peace.
** [[Ronald Reagan]], [http://www.cnn.com/SPECIALS/cold.war/episodes/22/documents/starwars.speech/ &quot;Star Wars&quot; speech] (23 March 1983).

* Blood that has soaked into the sands of a beach is all of one color. America stands unique in the world, the only country not founded on race but on a way, an ideal. Not in spite of but because of our [[Wiktionary:polyglot|polyglot]] background, we have had all the strength in the world. That is the American way.
** [[Ronald Reagan]] on 10 August 1988, while signing the Bill Providing Restitution for the Wartime Internment of Japanese-American Civilians, [http://history.wisc.edu/archdeacon/404tja/redress.html quoting himself] at the funeral of Kazuo Masuda in December 1945.

* I know that for America there will always be a bright dawn ahead.
** [[Ronald Reagan]], [http://www.nationalreview.com/document/reagan_sunset200406070915.asp letter announcing Alzheimer's diagnosis] (5 November 1994)

* [T]he normal condition of all the territory of the United States is that of freedom. That, as our Republican fathers, when they had abolished slavery in all our national territory, ordained that 'no persons should be deprived of life, liberty or property without due process of law', it becomes our duty, by legislation, whenever such legislation is necessary, to maintain this provision of the Constitution against all attempts to violate it; and we deny the authority of Congress, of a territorial legislature, or of any individuals, to give legal existence to slavery in any territory of the United States.
** [https://web.archive.org/web/20150619105203/http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=29620 ''Republican Party Platform of 1860''] (17 May 1860)

* It is the highest duty of every American citizen to maintain against all their enemies the integrity of the Union and the paramount authority of the constitution and laws of the United States... Immigration, which in the past has added so much to the wealth, development of resources and increase of power to the nation, the asylum of the oppressed of all nations, should be fostered and encouraged by a liberal and just policy... The people of the United States can never regard with indifference the attempt of any [[Europe]]an power to overthrow by force or to supplant by fraud the institutions of any republican government on the western continent and that they will view with extreme jealousy, as menacing to the peace and independence of their own country, the efforts of any such power to obtain new footholds for monarchical government, sustained by foreign military force, in near proximity to the United States.
** [https://web.archive.org/web/20150421080932/http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=29621 ''Republican Party Platform of 1864''] (7 June 1864)

* We condemn bigots who inject class, racial and religious prejudice into public and political matters. Bigotry is un-American and a danger to the republic. We deplore the duplicity and insincerity of [[Democratic Party (United States)|the party in power]] in racial and religious matters. Although they have been in office as a 'Majority Party' for many years, they have not kept nor do they intend to keep their promises. The Republican Party will not mislead, exploit or attempt to confuse minority groups for political purposes. All American citizens are entitled to full, impartial enforcement of Federal laws relating to their civil rights. We believe that it is the primary responsibility of each State to order and control its own domestic institutions, and this power, reserved to the states, is essential to the maintenance of our Federal Republic. However, we believe that the Federal Government should take supplemental action within its constitutional jurisdiction to oppose discrimination against race, religion or national origin..
** [https://web.archive.org/web/20150307013551/http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=25837 ''Republican Party Platform of 1952''] (7 July 1952)

* [[w:United States|This nation]] was created to give expression, validity and purpose to our spiritual heritage—the supreme worth of the individual. In such a nation—a nation dedicated to the proposition that [[w:All men are created equal|all men are created equal]]—racial discrimination has no place. It can hardly be reconciled with a [[United States Constitution|Constitution]] that guarantees equal protection under law to all persons. In a deeper sense, too, it is immoral and unjust. As to those matters within reach of political action and leadership, we pledge ourselves unreservedly to its eradication... Equality under law promises more than the equal right to vote and transcends mere relief from discrimination by government. It becomes a reality only when all persons have equal opportunity, without distinction of race, religion, color or national origin, to acquire the essentials of life—housing, education and employment. The [[Republican Party (United States)|Republican Party]]—the party of Abraham Lincoln—from its very beginning has striven to make this promise a reality. It is today, as it was then, unequivocally dedicated to making the greatest amount of progress toward the objective.
** [https://web.archive.org/web/20150131220843/http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/?pid=25839 ''Republican Party Platform of 1960''] (25 July 1960).

* America must advance freedom throughout the world as a vital condition of orderly human progress, universal justice, and the security of the American people.
** [https://web.archive.org/save/http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/?pid=25840 ''Republican Party Platform of 1964''] (13 July 1964).

* This country belatedly recognized the wrongs of [[slavery]].
** [[Harry Reid]], [http://blogs.abcnews.com/george/2009/12/reid-compares-health-reform-bill-with-slavery-suffrage.html speech on the U.S. Senate floor, during a debate on health care reform] (December 2009).

* We in America have been very fortunate. We've been blessed with a wonderful country and everything and wonderful resources.
** [[Rick Rescorla]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vGXjjgMLQVs interview in New York] (28 July 1998)

* The judgment of the people of the United States may differ on whether and when and on what grounds we should criticize our allies. Some of our people probably will not accept the general rule that we should criticize only when our criticism is constructive. But regardless of this, every American's sense of decency and fair play will demand that he at least be sure of his facts.
** [[James B. Reston]], ''Prelude to Victory'' (1942), p. 139

* I have heard it often- that if the conquered peoples of Europe do not like our democracy the way it is, they can go fly a kite. It is absolutely true that a great majority of us found the old life very comfortable and would like to go back to the &quot;normality&quot; that produced it; but... we destroyed that &quot;normality&quot; trying to save our lives and cannot now go back to it any more than we can turn 1943 back into 1938. Nor can we tell the conquered peoples of Europe to go fly a kite if they do not like our democracy, because we need their help and will need it desperately before the war is over, and in order to get it we shall have to remove the doubts that are in their minds. That means that the people of America must look forward and not backward. That means that we must prove that our democracy is just as efficient as the totalitarian creed of our enemies. That means that we must make democracy live up to its promises. &quot;Most governments,&quot; said Abraham Lincoln, &quot;have been based on the denial of the equal rights of men; ours began by affirming those rights. We made the experiment, and the fruit is before us. Look at it- think of it.&quot; The democracy of Lincoln is not dead. It has not lost its revolutionary fervor. It has not lost its appeal to the men of the world. Our problem is to prove that we really believe in it.
** [[James B. Reston]], ''Prelude to Victory'' (1942), p. 214-215

* A great number of people in this country do not even take the Atlantic Charter seriously. They think it is some jiggery-pokery trumped up by Roosevelt and Churchill to propagandize their meeting at sea in 1941. They do not see it for what it should be: an extension of the Rights of Man, and another logical step in the fulfillment of the purpose of this nation. The scornful conception of the Atlantic Charter and of all other attempts to state our purpose will not do. For unless the spirit of the people is behind these declarations, they will have no true value. The essence of patriotism is in believing in the principles of America. Either you believe in the equalitarian idea behind this republic or you do not. Either you believe in Lincoln's &quot;government of the people, by the people, and for the people&quot; or you do not. Either you believe in liberty, justice, and right, or you do not. If you do, then our appeal to the revolutionary spirit of the world will be heard, but if you do not, all the Atlantic Charters in the world will not inspire the conquered nations to fight for principles that we proclaim but do not follow.
** [[James B. Reston]], ''Prelude to Victory'' (1942), p. 215-216

* There is a big difference between being anti-American and being critical of the United States. Once again, critiques are appropriate and necessary, provided that they rest on facts and address real abuses, real errors and real excesses, without deliberately losing sight of America's wise decisions, beneficent interventions and salutary policies. But critiques of this kind, balanced, fair and well-founded are hard to find, except in America herself: in the daily press in weekly news magazines, on television and radio, and in highbrow monthly journals, which are more widely read than their equivalents in Europe... Strangely, it is always America that is described as degenerate and 'fascist', while it is solely in Europe that actual dictatorships and totalitarian regimes spring up... The success and originality of American integration stem precisely from the fact that immigrants' descendants can perpetuate their ancestral cultures while thinking of themselves as Americans in the fullest sense, sharing basic ideals across racial and ethnic barriers.
** [[Jean-François Revel]], [http://web.archive.org/web/20031204174924/http://theamericanenterprise.org/issues/articleid.17764/article_detail.asp &quot;Europe's Anti-American Obsession&quot;] (2003), ''The View From Abroad'', The American Enterprise.

* America is still the country of fair play, that we can come out of a small town or a poor neighborhood and have the same chance as anyone else... America can overcome any problem, including the dreaded disease called [[HIV/AIDS|AIDS]]. We believe that America is still a country where there is more to life than just a constant struggle for money, and we believe that America must have leaders who show us that our struggles amount to something and contribute to something larger, leaders who want us to be all that we can be.
** [[Ann Richards|D. Ann Willis Richards]], [https://web.archive.org/web/20040404151616/http://www.americanrhetoric.com/speeches/annrichards1988dnc.htm &quot;1988 Democratic National Convention Keynote Address&quot;] (19 July 1988).

* Both [[Socrates]] and [[Jesus|Christ]] taught economic man to be at least slightly ashamed of himself when he failed to sacrifice the lower capacity to the higher. [[Freud]] is America’s great teacher, despite his ardent wish to avoid that fate. For it was precisely the official and parental shams of high ideals that Freud questioned. In their stead, Freud taught lessons which Americans, prepared by their own national experience, learn easily: survive, resign yourself to living within your moral means, suffer no gratuitous failures in a futile search for ethical heights that no longer exist—if they ever did.
** [[Philip Rieff]], ''The Triumph of the Therapeutic'' (1966), chapter 2.

*We should stop pretending that the US is a functioning democracy; [[W:Citizens United|Citizens United]] proves we are not—when the courts grant citizenship powers to corporations, money and greed become the nation’s lifeblood, not the will of the people. The American people have allowed themselves to be dumbed down to the point that their opinions are easily manipulated by corporate-owned and controlled mainstream media. The inability to function as a viable component of government has resulted in the “people” fracturing into competing ideological and socio-economic fiefdoms. American democracy is little more than feudalistic plutocracy. It’s an unsustainable model doomed to collapse in on itself.
**[[Scott Ritter]] as quoted in [https://dissidentvoice.org/2022/02/personal-interview-scott-ritter/ What Are The Prospects For Peace?  by John Rachel, ''Dissident Voice''] / February 24th, 2022

*We had a moment in history, between 1988 and 1991, where we could have worked with [[Mikhail Gorbachev]] to make his vision of perestroika succeed. Instead, we allowed him to fail, without any real plan on how we would live with what emerged from the ruins of the Soviet Union. Save for a short period of time during the [[World War II|Second World War]] where we needed the [[Soviet Union]] to defeat Germany and Japan, we have been in a continual state of political conflict with the Soviet Union. Even after the Soviet Union collapsed, we viewed the [[Russia|Russian Federation]] more as a defeated enemy that we needed to keep down, than a friend in need of a helping hand up. Yeltsin’s Russia was useful to the US and NATO only to the extent that we could exploit it economically while controlling its domestic politics in a manner that kept Russia in a perpetual state of weakness. The [[Barack Obama|Obama]] “reset” was simply a ploy to remove [[Vladimir Putin]], who rejected the vision of Russia projected by the west, and replace him with [[Dmitry Medvedev|Dmitri Medvedev]], whom Obama believed could be remade in the figure of [[Boris Yeltsin|Yeltsin]]. The fact that Putin believes in a strong Russia has upset the plans of the US, NATO, and Europe for post-Cold War hegemony, predicated as they were on a weak, compliant Russian state.
**[[Scott Ritter]] as quoted in [https://dissidentvoice.org/2022/02/personal-interview-scott-ritter/ What Are The Prospects For Peace?  by John Rachel, ''Dissident Voice''] / February 24th, 2022

* Faith in America, faith in our tradition of personal responsibility, faith in our institutions, faith in ourselves demands that we recognize the new terms of the old social contract. We shall fulfill them, as we fulfilled the obligation of the apparent [[Utopia]] which Jefferson imagined for us in 1776, and which [[Thomas Jefferson|Jefferson]], [[Theodore Roosevelt|Roosevelt]] and [[Woodrow Wilson|Wilson]] sought to bring to realization. We must do so, lest a rising tide of misery engendered by our common failure, engulf us all. But failure is not an American habit; and in the strength of great hope we must all shoulder our common load.
** [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]], [https://www.americanrhetoric.com/speeches/fdrcommonwealth.htm Commonwealth Club Address], delivered 23 Sept 1932, San Francisco, CA
* Remember, remember always that all of us, and you and I especially, are descended from immigrants and revolutionists.
** [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]], remarks before the Daughters of the American Revolution, Washington, D.C. (21 April 1938), ''The Public Papers and Addresses of Franklin D. Roosevelt, 1938'' (1941), p. 259. FDR is often quoted as having addressed the DAR as &quot;my fellow immigrants.&quot; The above words are believed to be the source.

* We are a nation of many nationalities, many races, many religions, bound together by a single unity, the unity of freedom and equality. Whoever seeks to set one nationality against another, seeks to degrade all nationalities. Whoever seeks to set one race against another seeks to enslave all races. Whoever seeks to set one religion against another, seeks to destroy all religion.
** [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]], campaign address, Brooklyn, New York (1 November 1940); ''The Public Papers and Addresses of Franklin D. Roosevelt, 1940'' (1941), p. 53.

* A life of slothful ease, a life of that peace which springs merely from lack either of desire or of power to strive after great things, is as little worthy of a nation as of an individual. I ask only that what every self-respecting American demands from himself and from his sons shall be demanded of the American nation as a whole. Who among you would teach your boys that ease, that peace, is to be the first Consideration in their eyes-to be the ultimate goal after which they strive?
** [[Theodore Roosevelt]], ''[[s:The Strenuous Life|The Strenuous Life]]'' (10 April 1899), Chicago, Illinois.

* Thank God for the iron in the blood of [[w:Founding Fathers of the United States|our fathers]], the men who upheld the wisdom of Lincoln, and bore sword or rifle in the armies of [[Ulysses S. Grant|Grant]]! Let us, the children of the men who proved themselves equal to the mighty days, let us, the children of the men who carried the great Civil War to a triumphant conclusion, praise the God of our fathers that the ignoble counsels of peace were rejected; that the suffering and loss, the blackness of sorrow and despair, were unflinchingly faced, and the years of strife endured; for in the end the slave was freed, the Union restored, and the mighty American republic placed once more as a helmeted queen among nations.
** [[Theodore Roosevelt]], ''[[s:The Strenuous Life|The Strenuous Life]]'' (10 April 1899), Chicago, Illinois.

* No country can long endure if its foundations are not laid deep in the material prosperity which comes from thrift, from business energy and enterprise, from hard, unsparing effort in the fields of industrial activity; but neither was any nation ever yet truly great if it relied upon material prosperity alone. All honor must be paid to the architects of our material prosperity, to the great captains of industry who have built our factories and our railroads, to the strong men who toil for wealth with brain or hand; for great is the debt of the nation to these and their kind. But our debt is yet greater to the men whose highest type is to be found in a statesman like Lincoln, a soldier like [[Ulysses S. Grant]]. They showed by their lives that they recognized the law of work, the law of strife; they toiled to win a competence for themselves and those dependent upon them; but they recognized that there were yet other and even loftier duties—duties to the nation.
** [[Theodore Roosevelt]], ''[[s:The Strenuous Life|The Strenuous Life]]'' (10 April 1899), Chicago, Illinois.

* We cannot, if we would, play the part of [[China]], and be content to rot by inches in ignoble ease within our borders, taking no interest in what goes on beyond them, sunk in a scrambling commercialism; heedless of the higher life, the life of aspiration, of toil and risk, busying ourselves only with the wants of our bodies for the day, until suddenly we should find, beyond a shadow of question, what China has already found, that in this world the nation that has trained itself to a career of un-warlike and isolated ease is bound, in the end, to go down before other nations which have not lost the manly and adventurous qualities. If we are to be a really great people, we must strive in good faith to play a great part in the world.
** [[Theodore Roosevelt]], ''[[s:The Strenuous Life|The Strenuous Life]]'' (10 April 1899), Chicago, Illinois.

* No country can long endure if its foundations are not laid deep in the material prosperity which comes from thrift, from business energy and enterprise, from hard, unsparing effort in the fields of industrial activity; but neither was any nation ever yet truly great if it relied upon material prosperity alone. All honor must be paid to the architects of our material prosperity, to the great captains of industry who have built our factories and our railroads, to the strong men who toil for wealth with brain or hand; for great is the debt of the nation to these and their kind. But our debt is yet greater to the men whose highest type is to be found in a statesman like Lincoln, a soldier like [[Ulysses S. Grant|Grant]]. They showed by their lives that they recognized the law of work, the law of strife; they toiled to win a competence for themselves and those dependent upon them; but they recognized that there were yet other and even loftier duties—duties to the nation.
** [[Theodore Roosevelt]], ''[[s:The Strenuous Life|The Strenuous Life]]'' (10 April 1899), Chicago, Illinois.

* The problems are different for the different islands. Puerto Rico is not large enough to stand alone. We must govern it wisely and well, primarily in the interest of its own people. Cuba is, in my judgment, entitled ultimately to settle for itself whether it shall be an independent state or an integral portion of the mightiest of republics. But until order and stable liberty are secured, we must remain in the island to insure them, and infinite tact, judgment, moderation, and courage must be shown by our military and civil representatives in keeping the island pacified, in relentlessly stamping out brigandage, in protecting all alike, and yet in showing proper recognition to the men who have fought for Cuban liberty.
** [[Theodore Roosevelt]], ''[[s:The Strenuous Life|The Strenuous Life]]'' (10 April 1899), Chicago, Illinois.

* As a people [[w:United States|we]] claim the right to speak with peculiar emphasis for freedom and for fair treatment of all men without regard to differences of race, fortune, creed, or color. We forfeit the right so to speak when we commit or condone [[Homicide|such crimes as these of which I speak]]. The nation, like the individual, cannot commit a crime with impunity. If we are guilty of lawlessness and brutal violence, whether our guilt consists in active participation therein or in mere connivance and encouragement, we shall assuredly suffer later on because of what we have done. 
** [[Theodore Roosevelt]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=KPccAAAAMAAJ&amp;pg=PA277&amp;dq=%22+permit+me+to+thank+you+as+an+American+citizen+for+the+admirable+way+in+which+you+have+vindicated+the+majesty+of+the+law+by+your+recent+action+in+reference+to+lynching.%22+%22August%22+%221903%22&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ei=Wm4HVfbcDrfLsAS9yIGgCg&amp;ved=0CCMQ6AEwAQ#v=onepage&amp;q=%22%20permit%20me%20to%20thank%20you%20as%20an%20American%20citizen%20for%20the%20admirable%20way%20in%20which%20you%20have%20vindicated%20the%20majesty%20of%20the%20law%20by%20your%20recent%20action%20in%20reference%20to%20lynching.%22%20%22August%22%20%221903%22&amp;f=false letter to Winfield T. Durbin] (6 August 1903), Oyster Bay, New York.

* The cornerstone of [[w:United States|this republic]], as of all free governments, is respect for and obedience to the law. Where we permit the law to be defied or evaded, whether by rich man or poor man, by black man or white, we are by just so much weakening the bonds of our civilization and increasing the chances of its overthrow, and of the substitution therefore of a system in which there shall be violent alternations of anarchy and tyranny.
** [[Theodore Roosevelt]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=KPccAAAAMAAJ&amp;pg=PA277&amp;dq=%22+permit+me+to+thank+you+as+an+American+citizen+for+the+admirable+way+in+which+you+have+vindicated+the+majesty+of+the+law+by+your+recent+action+in+reference+to+lynching.%22+%22August%22+%221903%22&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ei=Wm4HVfbcDrfLsAS9yIGgCg&amp;ved=0CCMQ6AEwAQ#v=onepage&amp;q=%22%20permit%20me%20to%20thank%20you%20as%20an%20American%20citizen%20for%20the%20admirable%20way%20in%20which%20you%20have%20vindicated%20the%20majesty%20of%20the%20law%20by%20your%20recent%20action%20in%20reference%20to%20lynching.%22%20%22August%22%20%221903%22&amp;f=false letter to Winfield T. Durbin] (6 August 1903), Oyster Bay, New York.

* There are good men and bad men of all nationalities, creeds and colors; and if this world of ours is ever to become what we hope some day it may become, it must be by the general recognition that the man's heart and soul, the man's worth and actions, determine his standing.
** [[Theodore Roosevelt]], [http://www.trsite.org/content/pages/speaking-loudly letter] (1 September 1903), Oyster Bay, New York.

* The failure in public and in private life thus to treat each man on his own merits, the recognition of this government as being either for the poor as such or for the rich as such, would prove fatal to our Republic, as such failure and such recognition have always proved fatal in the past to other republics. A healthy republican government must rest upon individuals, not upon classes or sections. As soon as it becomes government by a class or by a section, it departs from the old American ideal.
** [[Theodore Roosevelt]], [http://web.archive.org/web/20041217111203/http://www.memorablequotations.com/SquareDeal.htm ''A Square Deal''] (7 September 1903).

* It is unwise to depart from the old American tradition and discriminate for or against any man who desires to come here and become a citizen, save on the ground of that man's fitness for citizenship. ... We can not afford to consider whether he is Catholic or Protestant, Jew or Gentile; whether he is Englishman or Irishman, Frenchman or German, Japanese, Italian, or Scandinavian, or Magyar. What we should desire to find out is the individual quality of the individual man.
** [[Theodore Roosevelt]], message to the U.S. Congress (1905). As quoted in ''The Business of Transatlantic Migration between Europe and the United States, 1900–1914'' (2012), by Drew Keeling, p. 161.

* Our country—this great republic—means nothing unless it means the triumph of a real democracy, the triumph of popular government, and, in the long run, of an economic system under which each man shall be guaranteed the opportunity to show the best that there is in him.
** [[Theodore Roosevelt]], ''The New Nationalism'' (August 1910).

* America opened the greatest era in world history. Four centuries have passed since the Spaniards began that colonization on the main land which has resulted in the growth of the nations of Latin America. Three centuries have passed since, with the settlements on the coasts of [[Virginia]] and Massachusetts, the real history of what is now the United States began. All this we ultimately owe to the action of an Italian seaman in the service of a Spanish King and a Spanish Queen. It is eminently fitting that one of the largest and most influential social organizations of [[w:United States|this great republic, a republic in which the tongue is English, and the blood derived from many sources]], should, in its name, commemorate the great Italian. It is eminently fitting to make an address on Americanism.
** [[Theodore Roosevelt]], [https://archive.org/stream/immigrationameri00daviuoft/immigrationameri00daviuoft_djvu.txt &quot;Address to the Knights of Columbus&quot;] (12 October 1915).

* We are a new and distinct nationality. We are developing our own distinctive culture and civilization, and the worth of this civilization will largely depend upon our determination to keep it distinctively our own. Our sons and daughters should be educated here and not abroad. We should freely take from every other nation whatever we can make of use, but we should adopt and develop to our own peculiar needs what we thus take, and never be content merely to copy.
** [[Theodore Roosevelt]], [https://archive.org/stream/immigrationameri00daviuoft/immigrationameri00daviuoft_djvu.txt &quot;Address to the Knights of Columbus&quot;] (12 October 1915).

* Our nation was founded to perpetuate democratic principles. These principles are that each man is to be treated on his worth as a man without regard to the land from which his forefathers came and without regard to the creed which he professes. If the United States proves false to these principles of civil and religious liberty, it will have inflicted the greatest blow on the system of free popular government that has ever been inflicted.
** [[Theodore Roosevelt]], [https://archive.org/stream/immigrationameri00daviuoft/immigrationameri00daviuoft_djvu.txt &quot;Address to the Knights of Columbus&quot;] (12 October 1915).

* True Americanism demands that we judge each man on his conduct, that we so judge him in private life and that we so judge him in public life.
** [[Theodore Roosevelt]], [https://archive.org/stream/immigrationameri00daviuoft/immigrationameri00daviuoft_djvu.txt &quot;Address to the Knights of Columbus&quot;] (12 October 1915).

* What is true of creed is no less true of nationality. There is no room in this country for hyphenated Americanism. When I refer to hyphenated Americans, I do not refer to naturalized Americans. Some of the very best Americans I have ever known were naturalized Americans, Americans born abroad. But a hyphenated American is not an American at all. This is just as true of the man who puts 'native' before the hyphen as of the man who puts German or Irish or English or French before the hyphen. Americanism is a matter of the spirit and of the soul. Our allegiance must be purely to the United States. We must unsparingly condemn any man who holds any other allegiance. But if he is heartily and singly loyal to [[w:United States|this republic]], then no matter where he was born, he is just as good an American as anyone else.
** [[Theodore Roosevelt]], [http://shapingushistory.wikispaces.com/file/view/TR%20Denounces%20Hyphenated%20Americanism.doc/485211294/TR%20Denounces%20Hyphenated%20Americanism.doc &quot;Address to the Knights of Columbus&quot;] (12 October 1915).

* In my cabinet at the time there were men of English and French, German, Irish, and Dutch blood, men born on this side and men born in Germany and Scotland; but they were all Americans and nothing else; and every one of them was incapable of thinking of himself or of his fellow-countrymen, excepting in terms of American citizenship. If any one of them had anything in the nature of a dual or divided allegiance in his soul, he never would have been appointed to serve under me, and he would have been instantly removed when the discovery was made. There wasn't one of them who was capable of desiring that the policy of the United States should be shaped with reference to the interests of any foreign country or with consideration for anything, outside of the general welfare of humanity, save the honor and interest of the United States, and each was incapable of making any discrimination whatsoever among the citizens of the country he served, of our common country, save discrimination based on conduct and on conduct alone.
** [[Theodore Roosevelt]], [http://shapingushistory.wikispaces.com/file/view/TR%20Denounces%20Hyphenated%20Americanism.doc/485211294/TR%20Denounces%20Hyphenated%20Americanism.doc &quot;Address to the Knights of Columbus&quot;] (12 October 1915).

* For an American citizen to vote as a German-American, an Irish-American, or an English-American, is to be a traitor to American institutions; and those hyphenated Americans who terrorize American politicians by threats of the foreign vote are engaged in treason to the American Republic.
** [[Theodore Roosevelt]], [http://shapingushistory.wikispaces.com/file/view/TR%20Denounces%20Hyphenated%20Americanism.doc/485211294/TR%20Denounces%20Hyphenated%20Americanism.doc &quot;Address to the Knights of Columbus&quot;] (12 October 1915).

* The foreign-born population of this country must be an Americanized population. No other kind can fight the battles of America either in war or peace. It must talk the language of its native-born fellow-citizens; it must possess American citizenship and American ideals. It must stand firm by its oath of allegiance in word and deed and must show that in very fact it has renounced allegiance to every prince, potentate, or foreign government. It must be maintained on an American standard of living so as to prevent labor disturbances in important plants and at critical times. None of these objects can be secured as long as we have immigrant colonies, ghettos, and immigrant sections, and above all they cannot be assured so long as we consider the immigrant only as an industrial asset. The immigrant must not be allowed to drift or to be put at the mercy of the exploiter.
** [[Theodore Roosevelt]], [http://shapingushistory.wikispaces.com/file/view/TR%20Denounces%20Hyphenated%20Americanism.doc/485211294/TR%20Denounces%20Hyphenated%20Americanism.doc &quot;Address to the Knights of Columbus&quot;] (12 October 1915).

* As a people we must be united. If we are not united we shall slip into the gulf of measureless disaster. We must be strong in purpose for our own defense and bent on securing justice within our borders. If as a nation we are split into warring camps, if we teach our citizens not to look upon one another as brothers but as enemies divided by the hatred of creed for creed or of those of one race against those of another race, surely we shall fail and our great democratic experiment on this continent will go down in crushing overthrow.
** [[Theodore Roosevelt]], [http://shapingushistory.wikispaces.com/file/view/TR%20Denounces%20Hyphenated%20Americanism.doc/485211294/TR%20Denounces%20Hyphenated%20Americanism.doc &quot;Address to the Knights of Columbus&quot;] (12 October 1915).

* All of us, no matter from what land our parents came, no matter in what way we may severally worship our Creator, must stand shoulder to shoulder in a united America for the elimination of race and religious prejudice. We must stand for a reign of equal justice to both big and small. We must insist on the maintenance of the American standard of living.
** [[Theodore Roosevelt]], [http://shapingushistory.wikispaces.com/file/view/TR%20Denounces%20Hyphenated%20Americanism.doc/485211294/TR%20Denounces%20Hyphenated%20Americanism.doc &quot;Address to the Knights of Columbus&quot;] (12 October 1915).

* Americanism means the virtues of courage, honor, justice, truth, sincerity, and hardihood—the virtues that made America. The things that will destroy America are prosperity-at-any-price, peace-at-any-price, safety-first instead of duty-first, the love of soft living and the get-rich-quick theory of life.
** [[Theodore Roosevelt]], letter to S. Stanwood Menken, chairman, committee on Congress of Constructive Patriotism (10 January 1917). Roosevelt’s sister, Mrs. Douglas Robinson, read the letter to a national meeting, January 26, 1917. Reported in Proceedings of the Congress of Constructive Patriotism, Washington, D.C., January 25–27, 1917 (1917), p. 172.

* Every man has a right to one country. He has a right to love and serve that country and to feel that it is absolutely his country and that he has in it every right possessed by anyone else. It is our duty to require the man of German blood who is an American citizen to give up all allegiance to Germany wholeheartedly and without on his part any mental reservation whatever. If he does this it becomes no less our duty to give him the full rights of an American, including our loyal respect and friendship without on our part any mental reservation whatever. The duties are reciprocal, and from the standpoint of American patriotism one is as important as the other.
** [[Theodore Roosevelt]], &quot;Every Man Has a Right to One Country&quot;, ''The Kansas City Star'' (15 July 1918), Missouri, p. 2.

* In the first place we should insist that if the immigrant who comes here in good faith becomes an American and assimilates himself to us, he shall be treated on an exact equality with everyone else, for it is an outrage to discriminate against any such man because of creed, or birthplace, or origin. But this is predicated upon the man's becoming in very fact an American, and nothing but an American. If he tries to keep segregated with men of his own origin and separated from the rest of America, then he isn't doing his part as an American. There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn't an American at all. We have room for but one flag, the American flag, and this excludes the red flag, which symbolizes all wars against liberty and civilization, just as much as it excludes any foreign flag of a nation to which we are hostile. We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language, for we intend to see that the crucible turns our people out as Americans, of American nationality, and not as dwellers in a polyglot boarding-house; and we have room for but one soul loyalty, and that is loyalty to the American people.
** [[Theodore Roosevelt]], letter to Charles Steward Davison (3 January 1919).

* The Union forever! Hurrah, boys! Hurrah! Down with the traitor, and up with the star!
** [[w:George Frederick Root|George F. Root]], &quot;[[w:Battle Cry of Freedom|Battle Cry of Freedom]]&quot; (1862).

* You have to tell an alternative story. You have to tell a story: No! '''The American foundation was the best thing to happen for ''human liberty'' in a, in a millennium'''. Yes, slavery was implicitly in, acknowledged. But the declaration of liberty, this is again Lincoln, declares that all men are equal and I would make sure that American Civil War is taught... 600, now it's estimated 700,000 Americans died to end slavery. 750,000 people fought to preserve the Union and keep it on a course where slavery was on a course of eventual extinction. That is sort of World War I levels of casualties. It's huge, white boys from the north fought and died so that slavery would be put in the course of extinction. Not that slavery was justified, not that this wipes out the sin of slavery. Lincoln never would've said that sin, that slavery was anything other than a sin which would stain our soul for as long as we existed. But we made acts of contrition and expiation and we paid for it in blood. So the story of the American institutions is one of institutions which are capable of self rectification and progress. American institutions are capable of extending this to other people.
** [[w:Stephen Peter Rosen|Stephen Peter Rosen]], [http://conversationswithbillkristol.org/video/stephen-rosen/ interview with Bill Kristol] (2016), [http://conversationswithbillkristol.org/transcript/stephen-rosen-transcript/ transcript]

*When the GOP was taken over by the hard right in the 1990s by men like Newt Gingrich and Tom DeLay, and the “Contract with America” turned into a scorched-earth campaign that deliberately left Washington dysfunctional (because an inert government is the next best thing to no government at all), it was a shock all over again. The extremism of the GOP was getting worse and worse, the nation’s divisions growing deeper and deeper.... President Bill Clinton.. bought into policies that made inequality worse and offered up the coded racism of welfare reform, beefing up police forces and scolding Sister Souljah. We were Reagan Lite though we thought we were just doing smart political “triangulation” and that the goodness in our hearts would prevail. And then we undid Glass Steagall and passed a telecommunications act that laid the groundwork for the rise of monster tech, the behemoths that would, alongside Wall Street, come to dominate in a new age of robber barons in America.  When Al Gore won the popular vote but lost the election to George W. Bush thanks to a dubious, highly political call by the U.S. Supreme Court, that too was a gut punch.  When Bush and Cheney and company embraced torture and rendition and waged a “war of choice” that left hundreds of thousands of innocents dead and America’s reputation worldwide in tatters, that was another. We weren’t the country of the “greatest” generation... this was war crimes level stuff and somehow, they all got away with it.
**[[W:David Rothkopf|David Rothkopf]], [[ https://news.yahoo.com/america-one-gut-punch-away-042537809.html?fr=sycsrp_catchall  America Is One Gut Punch Away From Throwing in the Towel on Democracy, ''Daily Beast'']]   (4 December 2021)

*[[Capitalism]]’s gratuitous wars and sanctioned greed have jeopardized the planet and filled it with [[refugee]]s. Much of the blame for this rests squarely on the shoulders of the government of the United States. Seventeen years after invading [[Afghanistan]], after bombing it into the ‘stone age’ with the sole aim of toppling the Taliban, the US government is back in talks with the very same Taliban. In the interim it has destroyed Iraq, Libya and Syria. Hundreds of thousands have lost their lives to war and sanctions, a whole region has descended into chaos, ancient cities—pounded into dust. Amidst the desolation and the rubble, a monstrosity called Daesh (ISIS) has been spawned. It has spread across the world, indiscriminately murdering ordinary people who had absolutely nothing to do with America’s wars. Over these last few years, given the wars it has waged, and the international treaties it has arbitrarily reneged on, the US Government perfectly fits its own definition of a rogue state. 
**[[Arundhati Roy]] in [https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2019/may/13/arundhati-roy-literature-shelter-pen-america ''Literature provides shelter. That's why we need it'' (abridged version of Roy's  ''Arthur Miller Freedom to Write Lecture'',)  ''The Guardian'']  (13 May 2019)

* Terrorists aren't trying to kill us because we offended them. They attack us because they want to impose their view of the world on as many people as they can, and America is standing in their way. We need to make it unmistakably clear that we will do whatever it takes, for however long it takes, to defeat radical Islamic terrorism.
** [[Marco Rubio]], [http://voices.washingtonpost.com/44/2010/02/marco-rubios-cpac-speech-the-t.html speech to the Conservative Political Action Committee] (19 February 2010)

* The world is a safer and a better place when the United States is the strongest.
** [[Marco Rubio]], as quoted in [http://insider.foxnews.com/2015/11/10/marco-rubio-and-rand-paul-clash-national-security-fox-business-gop-debate ''Marco Rubio and Rand Paul Clash''] (10 November 2015), by FoxNews Insider. Said during [[w:Republican_Party_presidential_debates,_2016#November_10.2C_2015_.E2.80.93_Milwaukee.2C_Wisconsin|2016 Republican Debate, Milwaukee]].

==S==
[[File:Bill of Rights Pg1of1 AC.jpg|thumb|In the eyes of government, we are just one race here. It is American. ~ [[Antonin Scalia]]]]
[[File:ContinentalArmy_LeffertsWatercolor.jpg|thumb|Today's soldiers, and the democratic fallen, now occupy a prominent place in a long tradition of American liberators. ~ [[w:Joseph Morrison Skelly|Joseph M. Skelly]]]]
[[File:US sailors japan cleanup 2011.jpg|thumb|Whenever challenges face the world, one fact is clear. The world looks to the United States... The United States is 'the indispensable nation' when trouble arises in the world. From responding to humanitarian crises to confronting terrorism, America leads. ~ [[w:Tanya Somanader|Tanya Somanader]]]]
[[File:Stars and Stripes.jpg|thumb|The star-spangled banner in triumph shall wave. O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave! ~ ''{{w|The Star-Spangled Banner}}'']]
[[File:Flickr - The U.S. Army - KFOR 12 training.jpg|thumb|Conquer [[w:United States|we]] must, when [[w:United States|our]] cause it is just! ~ &quot;{{w|The Star-Spangled Banner}}&quot;]]

*The US is a force for division, not for [[cooperation]]... The US lost its step on [[w:5G|5G]], which is a critical part of the new digital economy. And [[w:Huawei|Huawei]] was taking a greater and greater share of global markets... The US concocted in my opinion, the view that Huawei is a global threat. And has leaned very hard on US allies... to try to break the relations with Huawei... Do I believe that [[China]] could do more to ease fears that are very real?  I do.... The big choice frankly is in China's hands. If China is [[cooperative]], if it engages in [[diplomacy]], regional cooperation and [[w:multilateralism|multilateralism]]…. then I think that [[Asia]] has an incredibly bright future.
**[[Jeffrey Sachs]], Quoted in [https://www.bbc.com/news/business-53104730 ''US China cold war 'bigger global threat than virus'''   By Karishma Vaswani, ''BBC News''] (21 June 2020)
 
[[File:Emancipation Day in South Carolina (1863), by Frank Leslie's Illustrated Weekly.png|thumb|Painfully convinced of the unutterable wrongs and woes of slavery, profoundly believing that, according to the true spirit of the constitution and the sentiments of the fathers, it can find no place. ~ [[Charles Sumner]]]]
*In 1845, John O’Sullivan coined the phrase “[[Manifest Destiny]]” to justify and celebrate America’s violent annexation of North America. “All this will be our future history,” he wrote in 1839, “to establish on earth the moral dignity and salvation of man – the immutable truth and beneficence of God. For this blessed mission to the nations of the world, which are shut out from the life-giving light of truth, has America been chosen...”&lt;BR&gt;On the basis of such exalted views of its own beneficence, the US engaged in mass enslavement until the Civil War and mass apartheid thereafter; slaughtered Native Americans throughout the nineteenth century and subjugated them thereafter; and, with the closure of the Western frontier, extended Manifest Destiny overseas. Later, with the onset of the Cold War, anti-communist fervor led the US to fight disastrous wars in Southeast Asia (Vietnam, Laos, and Cambodia) in the 1960s and 1970s, and brutal wars in Central America in the 1980s.&lt;BR&gt;After the September 11, 2001, terrorist attacks, the evangelical ardor was directed against “radical Islam” or “Islamic fascism,” with four US wars of choice – in Afghanistan, Iraq, Syria, and Libya – all of which remain debacles to this day. Suddenly, the supposed existential threat of radical Islam has been forgotten, and the new crusade targets the [[w: Communist party of China |CPC]].
**[[Jeffrey Sachs]],  America’s Unholy Crusade Against China, [[w:Project Syndicate|''Project Syndicate'']], (5 August 2020)

*Many democrats, liberals, traditional conservatives, and even some leftists continue to tell themselves that the election of [[Joe Biden]] was the first step toward restoring U.S. standing in the world after the damage caused by Donald Trump. And in a variety of ways — many stylistic and some substantive — that perspective has merit. But when it comes to [[Foreign policy of the United States|national security policy]], the U.S. has been on a steady, hypermilitarized arc for decades. Taken broadly, U.S. policy has been largely consistent on “national security” and “counterterrorism” matters from 9/11 to the present....&lt;BR&gt;Biden’s election slogan was “America is back.” The truth is that “America” never left. There will be no major departures from the imperial course under Biden. While the drone wars continue, and the shift back to Cold War posturing in Europe and Asia accelerates, Biden will maintain the hostile stance toward left movements and governments throughout Latin America and the Caribbean. On climate change, Biden will reverse some of Trump’s most extreme stances, while still placing the profits of major corporations and the military industry over the health of the planet. The militarization of the borders and the maltreatment of refugees will remain, and the vast domestic surveillance apparatus will endure. The stark truth is this: The interests of the War Party trump any political disputes between the Democrats and the Republicans.
**[[Jeremy Scahill]], [https://theintercept.com/2021/11/21/america-militarism-foreign-policy-bush-obama-trump-biden/ The War Party, From Bush to Obama, and Trump to Biden, U.S. Militarism Is the Great Unifier,  ''The Intercept''] (November 21 2021)

* Individuals who have been wronged by unlawful racial discrimination should be made whole; but under our [[Constitution of the United States|Constitution]] there can be no such thing as either a creditor or a debtor race. That concept is alien to the Constitution's focus upon the individual. ...To pursue the concept of racial entitlement - even for the most admirable and benign of purposes - is to reinforce and preserve for future mischief the way of thinking that produced race slavery, race privilege and race hatred. In the eyes of government, we are just one race here. It is American.
** [[Antonin Scalia]], ''Adarand Constructors, Inc. v. Mineta'', 534 U.S. 103 (1995).

* [I]n America human beings could prove to the world that they have the capacity to govern themselves... [T]he [[w:United States|United States of America]], is not only the most powerful and the most prosperous country on earth, but the most free and the most just.
** [[Peter W. Schramm]], [https://web.archive.org/web/20180913184002/https://www.claremont.org/crb/article/born-american-but-in-the-wrong-place/ &quot;Born American, But in the Wrong Place&quot;] (5 October 2006), ''Claremont Review of Books''

* The United States started out in 1776 throwing off the accident and force that ruled by hereditary right in the old world, inviting mankind to respect the equal rights of human nature and the revolutionary choice of government by consent.
** [[Peter W. Schramm]], [https://web.archive.org/web/20180913190048/https://www.claremont.org/crb/article/douglass-and-lincoln/ &quot;Douglass and Lincoln&quot;] (12 February 2009), ''Claremont Review of Books''

* The most important nation in the world. ... This is a big country with a history.
** Henne Schuwer, [http://usafmc.org/news/inprofile-schuwer/ interview with Safa Shahwan] (May 2016)

* The right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.
** [[Second Amendment to the United States Constitution|''Second Amendment to the U.S. Constitution'']] (1791).

* This country does not discriminate. No president, no officer in this country should hold office that has any hint of treating people differently because of the color of their skin or where they came from and that kind of thing. We believe in equality and fair treatment and that's the moral principle that we adhere to as a nation.
** [[Jeff Sessions]], [http://www.al.com/news/index.ssf/2016/03/jeff_sessions_on_donald_trump.html interview with Matt Murphy] (2016)

* [[Stephen A. Douglas|Douglas]], no man will ever be [[President of the United States]] who spells 'negro' with two gs.
** [[William H. Seward]], a retort to [[Stephen A. Douglas]] on the Senate floor, after the Illinois senator used an offensive slur in a speech. As quoted in ''Team of Rivals'' (2006), by Doris Kearns Goodwin (New York: Simon and Schuster), p. 163.

* American families are in the process of passing along a $9 trillion legacy from one generation to the next. This is a lot of money, but it is distributed very unevenly.. ... Hand in hand with this money, I submit, what is really being handed down from generation to generation is the profound legacy of reproducing racial inequality. The legacy is difficult to discern because the language of family heritage hides it from our political consciousness.
** [[Thomas M. Shapiro]], ''The Hidden Cost of Being African American: How Wealth Perpetuates Inequality'' (2005), p. 32

* You cannot have peace and a division of [[w:United States|our country]]. If [[w:United States|the United States]] submits to a division [[American Civil War|now]], it will not stop, but will go on until [[w:United States|we]] reap the fate of [[Mexico]], which is eternal [[war]]. [[w:United States|The United States]] does and must assert [[w:United States|its]] authority, wherever [[w:United States|it]] once had power; for, if [[w:United States|it]] relaxes one bit to pressure, [[w:United States|it]] is gone... [[w:United States|We]] do want and will have a just obedience to the laws of [[w:United States|the United States]]. That [[w:United States|we]] will have.
** [[William Tecumseh Sherman]], [[s:Letter to James M. Calhoun, et al., September 12, 1864|letter to the members of the city council of the City of Atlanta]] (12 September 1864).

* In the five centuries since Columbus discovered the New World, savagery has been part of American life. There has been the violence of conquest and resistance, the violence of racial difference, the violence of civil war, the violence of bandits and gangsters, the violence of lynch law, all set against the violence of the wilderness and the city.
** [[w:Andrew Sinclair|Andrew Sinclair]], ''[[w:The Sunday Times|The Sunday Times]]'' (1967).

* Today's soldiers, and the democratic fallen, now occupy a prominent place in a long tradition of American liberators, extending from the [[American Revolution]].
** [[w:Joseph Morrison Skelly|Joseph Morrison Skelly]], [https://web.archive.org/web/20070524182018/http://article.nationalreview.com/?q=ZjcwZTYwYmFmMGRlZTA1ZTc4ZTRkOGJkZDExMjBmNzM= &quot;The Democratic Fallen: Let us honor those who have defended our right to self-government with their last breaths&quot;] (18 May 2007), ''National Review Online''

* Smoke all night, sleep all day. That to me, is the American way!
** [[w:8Ball &amp; MJG|Premmro Smith]], [http://genius.com/Three-6-mafia-stay-fly-lyrics/ &quot;Stay High&quot;] (7 July 2005), ''Most Known Unknown'' (2005), by Three 6 Mafia.

* We are America! I don't give a rat's ass if it helps! We are America! We do not fucking torture! We don't do it!
** [[Shepard Smith]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IG2VF4a0LWs ''Freedom Watch''] (22 April 2009).

* US decline is more in line with global sentiment than it is with fact. The country is still unrivaled in higher education, cultural production, and technological innovation. American universities are among the best in the world, as assessed by several global university rankings, so it’s no surprise the US attracts more international students than anywhere else. The US’s contribution to academic research also exceeds that of any other country. American film, television, and music industries continue to set the pace and trends for the rest of the world and it is unlikely that the dominance of Hollywood will decline anytime soon. And as home to Silicon Valley and some of the largest tech companies in the world – Apple, Google, Facebook, Microsoft to name a few – America leads the way in technology and innovation.
** [https://web.archive.org/web/20180304123015/https://softpower30.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/The-Soft-Power-30-Report-2017-Web-1.pdf ''The Soft Power 30: A Global Ranking of Soft Power 2017''] (2017), Portland; USC Center on Public Diplomacy, p. 45

* Whenever challenges face the world, one fact is clear. The world looks to the United States... The United States is 'the indispensable nation' when trouble arises in the world. From responding to humanitarian crises to confronting terrorism, America leads. Because, as the president said, 'that's how we roll'.
* {{w|Tanya Somanader}}, [https://www.whitehouse.gov/blog/2014/09/29/president-obama-s-how-we-roll &quot;President Obama: That's How We Roll&quot;] (29 September 2014), ''The White House''.

* Consistent with [[Martin Luther King]]'s vision, the government should stop color-coding its citizens.
** [[Dinesh D'Souza]], &quot;As I See It&quot;, in ''Forbes'' Vol. 158, no. 13 (2 December 1996), p. 48.

* America is the most magnanimous of all imperial powers that have ever existed.
** [[Dinesh D'Souza]], [http://www.hoover.org/research/whats-so-great-about-america &quot;What's So Great about America&quot;], ''Hoover Digest'' (30 July 2002).

* In most countries in the world, your fate and your identity are handed to you; in America, you determine them for yourself. America is a country where you get to write the script of your own life. Your life is like a blank sheet of paper, and you are the artist.
** [[Dinesh D'Souza]], ''What's So Great About America'' (2003).

* Americans are the friendliest people you will encounter, but they have few friends.
** [[Dinesh D'Souza]], ''What's So Great About America'' (2003), Ch. 1: Why They Hate Us.

* What the immigrant cannot help noticing is that America is a country where the poor live comparatively well. This fact was dramatized in the 1980s, when CBS television broadcast an anti-Reagan documentary, &quot;People Like Us&quot;, which was intended to show the miseries of the poor during an American recession. The Soviet Union also broadcast the documentary, with a view to embarrassing the Reagan administration. But by the testimony of former Soviet leaders, it had the opposite effect. Ordinary people across the Soviet Union saw that the poorest Americans have television sets and microwave ovens and cars. They arrived at the same perception of America that I witnessed in a friend of mine from Bombay who has been unsuccessfully trying to move to the United States for nearly a decade. Finally I asked him, &quot;Why are you so eager to come to America&quot;? He replied, &quot;Because I really want to live in a country where the poor people are fat.&quot;
** [[Dinesh D'Souza]], ''What's So Great About America'' (2003), Ch. 3: Becoming American.

* As an immigrant, I am constantly surprised by how much I hear racism talked about and how little I actually see it. Even fewer are the incidents in which I have experienced it directly.
** [[Dinesh D'Souza]], ''What's So Great About America'' (2003), Ch. 4: The Reparations Fallacy.

* America is a new kind of society that produces a new kind of human being. That human being—confident, self-reliant, tolerant, generous, future oriented—is a vast improvement over the wretched, servile, fatalistic, and intolerant human being that traditional societies have always produced, and that Islamic societies produce now.
** [[Dinesh D'Souza]], ''What's So Great About America'' (2003), Ch. 6: America the Beautiful.

* America is the greatest, freest, and most decent society in existence. It is an oasis of goodness in a desert of cynicism and barbarism. This country, once an experiment unique in the world, is now the last best hope for the world.
** [[Dinesh D'Souza]], ''What's So Great About America'' (2003), Ch. 6: America the Beautiful.

* America is an abstaining superpower; it shows no real interest in conquering and subjugating the rest of the world. Imagine how the Soviets would have acted if they had won the Cold War. On occasion the United States intervenes to overthrow a tyrannical regime or to halt massive human rights abuses in another country, but it never stays to rule that country. 
** [[Dinesh D'Souza]], [https://web.archive.org/web/20151010163703/http://www.sfgate.com/opinion/article/10-things-to-celebrate-Why-I-m-an-2567319.php#photo-2709803 &quot;10 things to celebrate: Why I'm an anti-anti-American&quot;] (29 June 2003), ''SFGate''.

* Coerced virtues are not virtues at all. Consider the woman who is required to wear a veil. There is no modesty in this, because she is being compelled. Compulsion cannot produce virtue, it can only produce the outward semblance of virtue. Thus a free society like America's is not merely more prosperous, more varied, more peaceful, and more tolerant; it is also morally superior to the theocratic and authoritarian regimes that America's enemies advocate.
** [[Dinesh D'Souza]], [https://web.archive.org/web/20151010163703/http://www.sfgate.com/opinion/article/10-things-to-celebrate-Why-I-m-an-2567319.php#photo-2709803 &quot;10 things to celebrate: Why I'm an anti-anti-American&quot;] (29 June 2003), ''SFGate''.

* We should love our country not just because it is ours, but also because it is good. America is far from perfect, and there is lots of room for improvement. In spite of its flaws, however, American life as it is lived today is the best life that our world has to offer. Ultimately America is worthy of our love and sacrifice because, more than any other society, it makes possible the good life, and the life that is good.
** [[Dinesh D'Souza]], [https://web.archive.org/web/20151010163703/http://www.sfgate.com/opinion/article/10-things-to-celebrate-Why-I-m-an-2567319.php#photo-2709803 &quot;10 things to celebrate: Why I'm an anti-anti-American&quot;] (29 June 2003), ''SFGate''.

* When I was a kid, I would sit on the floor of my house in Mumbai and I would read about the great nations, the great empires. The Roman Empire, the Ottoman Empire, the British Empire... they all came and they all went. But I always thought there was one exception to that rule, and that's the United States of America, which is a different kind of empire, if it's an empire at all. It's an empire of ideals.
** [[Dinesh D'Souza]], ''2016: Obama's America'' (2012).

* The world still needs America. We remain the custodians of the idea that wealth should be obtained through invention and trade, not through forced seizure.
** [[Dinesh D'Souza]], ''America: Imagine a World without Her'' (2014), Ch. 16: Decline Is a Choice.

* I love America. I chose this country. And like millions of immigrants, I've been blessed by my life in America. This country does something truly unique. It allows you to write the script of your own life.
** [[Dinesh D'Souza]], ''[[America: Imagine the World Without Her]]'' (2014).

* We are a nation of immigrants and settlers. 
** [[Dinesh D'Souza]], ''[[America: Imagine the World Without Her]]'' (2014).

* Slavery existed all over the world. The Egyptians had slaves. The Chinese had slaves. The Africans did. American Indians had slaves long before Columbus, and tragically, slavery continues today in many countries. What's uniquely [[w:Western Hemisphere|western]] is the abolition of slavery, and what's uniquely American is the fighting of a great war to end it.
** [[Dinesh D'Souza]], ''[[America: Imagine the World Without Her]]'' (2014).

* Other nations may deem their flags the best and cheer them with fervid elation, but the [[w:Flag of the United States|flag of the north and south and west is the flag of flags, the flag of]] [[w:United States|freedom's nation]]. Hurrah for the flag of the free, may it wave as our standard forever! The gem of the land and the sea, the banner of the right. Let despots remember the day when our fathers with mighty endeavor, proclaimed as they marched to the fray, that by their might and by their right, it waves forever.
** {{w|John Philip Sousa}}, &quot;{{w|The Stars and Stripes Forever}}&quot; (1897).

* It was always accounted a virtue in a man to love his country. With us it is now something more than a virtue. It is a necessity. When an American says that he loves his country, he means not only that he loves the New England hills, the prairies glistening in the sun, the wide and rising plains, the great mountains, and the sea. He means that he loves an inner air, an inner light in which freedom lives and in which a man can draw the breath of self-respect. Men who have offered their lives for their country know that patriotism is not the fear of something; it is the love of something.
** [[Adlai Stevenson]], speech to the American Legion convention (27 August 1952), New York City. As quoted in &quot;Democratic Candidate Adlai Stevenson Defines the Nature of Patriotism&quot; in ''Lend Me Your Ears: Great Speeches In History'' (2004) by William Safire, pp. 81-82.

* I like the United States in many ways. I like the people, I like the atmosphere. I like to travel around also when I am able to get out of Washington or New York, and I like the food. Especially the meat. The steak is excellent, and I had a very good steak in New York a couple of days ago and you can't get that kind of steak in [[Europe]], so big and so tender, that's one of the reasons I like to come to the United States.
** [[Jens Stoltenberg]], [https://soundcloud.com/belfercenter/office-hours-jens-stoltenberg-on-nato-russia-and-his-favorite-american-meal?in=belfercenter/sets/office-hours interview with Aroop Mukharji]

* [[w:Tony Montana|Tony Montana]]: What I try to tell you? This country, you gotta make the [[money]] first. Then when you get the money, you get the [[power]]. Then when you get the power, then you get the [[woman]]. That's why you gotta make your own moves.
** [[Oliver Stone]], ''[[w:Scarface (1983 film)|Scarface]]'' (1983)

*Former president Jimmy Carter recently made a profound and damning statement — '''the United States is the “most warlike nation in the history of the world.”'''  Carter contrasted the United States with [[China]], saying that China is building high-speed trains for its people while the United States is putting all of its resources into mass destruction. Where are high-speed trains in the United States, Carter appropriately wondered.
*As if to prove Carter’s assertion, Vice President [[Mike Pence]] told the most recent graduating class at West Point that it “is a virtual certainty that you will fight on a battlefield for America at some point in your life... You will lead soldiers in combat. It will happen.” Clearly referring to [[Venezuela]], Pence continued, “Some of you may even be called upon to serve in this hemisphere.” In other words, Pence declared, war is inevitable, a certainty for this country.
**[https://www.bostonglobe.com/opinion/2019/07/01/must-stop-our-nation-push-for-relentless-war/Oe1EOC1wbv8Jca6FSuXSzK/story.html '''''We must stop our nation’s push for relentless war''''', Oliver Stone and Dan Kovalik, ''Boston Globe,'']  (July 1, 2019)

*As one of our interviewers... says in the film, '''once you kill a sitting president in high noon in Dealey Plaza and blow his head off, you're not going to go back to normal''' and say, &quot;Oh, wow! We found this whacky--this crazy lone nut who killed him.&quot; It doesn't work. It doesn't really work as a narrative for this country. What happened was much deeper than that, and there was so many inconsistencies, so many holes in the Warren Commission... The point is that '''you cannot remove legitimacy from government like that and get away with it, and the people knew something was wrong. They didn't know exactly what was wrong, but they sensed that something had gone astray, like anarchy has set in...'''
**[[Oliver Stone]], [https://www.washingtonpost.com/washington-post-live/2021/05/12/transcript-conversation-with-oliver-stone/ Transcript: A Conversation with Oliver Stone,]   (streamed live [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h5pgnQ2M9tg on youtube])  ''The Washington Post'' (12 May  2021)

*After Kennedy was killed, and nobody asked, you know, what was Kennedy's real policy on Vietnam? Well... he was going to pull out of Vietnam. He was very clear about it, and that's what people get confused. Johnson, Lyndon Johnson, who took over the office went right to war quickly... this is... where we went to a war on a false basis. It was a lie, another lie, and that war was a disaster... Unfortunately, the same forces that made that war happen continued in our life... in Iraq... and on and on. We're still stuck in this. We're stuck in a military industrial syndrome where a lot of money, trillions of dollars, are spent fighting wars abroad against forces that we call &quot;darkness&quot; and &quot;evil,&quot; but we don't really know who the enemy is. '''I think we propagandize an enemy, make him far bigger than he is, and I don't know what we're fighting. We're just fighting because the military needs to keep going and needs to be funded,''' as though the intelligence agencies which have enormous amount of budget...

*If you look at the reporting from all of our major networks, it's very hostile when it comes to people who we deem to be enemies, whether it's Chávez or whether it's Castro or Putin... It's not necessary to be their enemy. It's necessary to get them to express themselves. That's my point of view, and I guess you could say I'm a dramatist. And I think they're great stories. I'm very proud of those movies. I took a lot of heat, flack for the last one for Putin, but frankly, I'm very proud of it. It's a record for all time of a man who very few people have gotten to. Even the Russians tell me they've never seen their president so frank as he was on that interview.
**[[Oliver Stone]], [https://www.washingtonpost.com/washington-post-live/2021/05/12/transcript-conversation-with-oliver-stone/ Transcript: A Conversation with Oliver Stone,]   (streamed live [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h5pgnQ2M9tg on youtube])  ''The Washington Post'' (12 May  2021)

*'''There's been a campaign, a war against Russia going on for a long time. It started again in the United States around 2006... there's no evidence really of the aggressiveness of Russia. The aggressiveness is truly coming from the NATO forces that have encircled Russia and that are also, by the way, encircling China. You know, this is a big policy point, huge, of huge importance, and if my life has any importance, maybe I'll come to a place where I can deal with it, confront it... we have to have people in the United States who speak up for the peace point of view, for let's make progress with the world. Let's get along with China. Let's get along with Russia, Iran, and so forth. We have to change our point of view because we are seeking to still be the only power in the world that is in control of the world. We cannot continue on this path; it's a suicidal path. And I think many Americans agree with me, but it's never been allowed to be stated politically. People who say this type of stuff never win elections because they're ridiculed or marginalized in the press, to be honest.'''
**[[Oliver Stone]], [https://www.washingtonpost.com/washington-post-live/2021/05/12/transcript-conversation-with-oliver-stone/ Transcript: A Conversation with Oliver Stone,]   (streamed live [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h5pgnQ2M9tg on youtube])  ''The Washington Post'' (12 May  2021)

*We have a ''[[right]]'' to take ''[[pictures]]'' in [[w:United States|America]], and that includes [[filming]] the [[w:Law enforcement in the United States|police]].
**[[John Stossel]], &quot;The Riot Police&quot;, ''Stossel'' (21 August 2014), 9:27–9:28 PM ET.

*Painfully convinced of the unutterable wrongs and woes of slavery; profoundly believing that, according to the true spirit of the Constitution and the sentiments of the fathers, it can find no place under our National Government.
**[[Charles Sumner]], ''Freedom National, Slavery Sectional'' (27 July 1852), United States Senate.

==T==
[[File:Nassim_Nicholas_Taleb_2013.jpg|thumb|right|...about 10 percent of Americans will spend at least a year in the top 1 percent, and more than half of all Americans will spent a year in the top 10 percent. [[Nassim Nicholas Taleb]]]]
[[File:American Bald Eagle.jpg|thumb|How unique is the United States of America. No other nation has been created so swiftly and successfully. No other nation has been built upon an idea; the idea of liberty. No other nation has so successfully combined people of different races and nations within a single culture. ~ [[Margaret Thatcher]]]]
[[File:Flag from Behind the Eagle.jpg|thumb|Both the founding fathers of the United States and successive waves of immigrants to your country were determined to create a new identity. Whether in flight from persecution or from poverty, the huddled masses have, with few exceptions, welcomed American values, the American way of life and American opportunities. And America herself has bound them to her with powerful bonds of patriotism and pride. ~ [[Margaret Thatcher]]]]
[[File:Alexis de tocqueville.jpg|thumb|In the United States, the majority undertakes to supply a multitude of ready-made opinions for the use of individuals, who are thus relieved from the necessity of forming opinions of their own. ~ [[Alexis de Tocqueville]]]]
* Static inequality is a snapshot view of inequality; it does not reflect what will happen to you in the course of your life.&lt;br&gt;Consider that about 10 percent of Americans will spend at least a year in the top 1 percent, and more than half of all Americans will spent a year in the top 10 percent.&lt;br&gt; This is visibly not the same for the more static—but nominally more equal—[[Europe]]. For instance, only 10 percent of the wealthiest five hundred American people or dynasties were so thirty years ago; more than 60 percent on the French list are heirs and a third of the richest Europeans were the richest centuries ago. In Florence, it was just revealed that things are even worse: the same handful of families have kept the wealth for five centuries.
** [[Nassim Nicholas Taleb]], ''Skin in the Game: Hidden Asymmetries in Daily Life'' (2018, Random House)
* We favor strengthening our common American identity and loyalty, which includes the contribution and assimilation of different racial and ethnic groups.
** [https://web.archive.org/web/20140619231738/http://www.texasgop.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/2014-Platform-Final.pdf ''Texan Republican Party Platform of 2014''] (June 2014), by the Republican Party of Texas, Texas

* The reason why I gave up all the privileges and economic benefits was that I felt I could not let my sons lead a life like me, as a modern-day slave. I believed the best legacy I could leave for my sons was to give them the freedom that is so common to everyone in America. 
** [[Thae Yong-ho]], [http://docs.house.gov/meetings/FA/FA00/20171101/106577/HHRG-115-FA00-Wstate-Yong-hoT-20171101.pdf remarks to the U.S. Congress] (1 November 2017)

* Americans and Europeans alike sometimes forget how unique is the United States of America. No other nation has been created so swiftly and successfully. No other nation has been built upon an idea; the idea of liberty. No other nation has so successfully combined people of different races and nations within a single culture. Both the founding fathers of the United States and successive waves of immigrants to your country were determined to create a new identity. Whether in flight from persecution or from poverty, the huddled masses have, with few exceptions, welcomed American values, the American way of life and American opportunities. And America herself has bound them to her with powerful bonds of patriotism and pride. The European nations are not and can never be like this. They are the product of history and not of philosophy. You can construct a nation on an idea; but you cannot reconstruct a nation on the basis of one.
** [[Margaret Thatcher]], [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/108264 speech at Hoover Institution lunch] (8 March 1991)

* Despite some of the nonsense that has been said about me by those who should know better, and so much nonsense, or some of which subtracts from the sum total of human knowledge, despite this all, I am a man, a black man, an American. And my history is not unlike that of many blacks from the deep South. And in many ways it is not that much different from that of many other Americans.
** [[Clarence Thomas]], [http://web.archive.org/web/20021224165710/http://africanamericans.com/ClarenceThomas.htm speech given at the annual meeting of the National Bar Association] (29 July 1998)

* Human dignity has long been understood in this country to be innate. When the framers proclaimed in [[w:United States Declaration of Independence|the Declaration of Independence]] that 'all men are created equal' and 'endowed by their creator with certain unalienable rights', they referred to a vision of mankind in which all humans are created in the image of [[God]] and therefore of inherent worth. That vision is the foundation upon which this nation was built. The corollary of that principle is that human dignity cannot be taken away by the government. Slaves did not lose their dignity, any more than they lost their humanity, because the government allowed them to be enslaved. Those held in internment camps did not lose their dignity because the government confined them. And those denied governmental benefits certainly do not lose their dignity because the government denies them those benefits. The government cannot bestow dignity, and it cannot take it away.
** [[Clarence Thomas]], [http://www.supremecourt.gov/opinions/14pdf/14-556_3204.pdf ''Obergefell v. Hodges''] (26 June 2015), pp. 16&amp;ndash;17

* We were never hyphenated as Arab-Americans. We were American, and I have always rejected the hyphen and I believe all assimilated immigrants should not be designated ethnically. Or separated, of course, by race, or creed either. These are trends that ever try to divide us as a people.
** [[Helen Thomas]], as quoted in [http://books.google.com/?id=h4qpzo7yNxEC&amp;pg=PA238&amp;dq=tripoli+%22helen+thomas%22&amp;q=tripoli%20%22helen%20thomas%22''My America: what my country means to me by 150 Americans from all walks of life''] (2002), Simon &amp; Schuster, p. 238

* Americans of all ages, all stations of life, and all types of disposition are forever forming associations... In democratic countries knowledge of how to combine is the mother of all other forms of knowledge; on its progress depends that of all the others... The people reign in the American political world as the Deity does in the universe. They are the cause and the aim of all things; everything comes from them, and everything is absorbed in them... In the United States the sovereign authority is religious, and consequently hypocrisy must be common; but there is no country in the world where the Christian religion retains a greater influence over the souls of men than in America; and there can be no greater proof of its utility and of its conformity to human nature than that its influence is powerfully felt over the most enlightened and free nation of the earth.
** [[Alexis de Tocqueville]], ''{{w|Democracy in America}}''.

* In the United States, the majority undertakes to supply a multitude of ready-made opinions for the use of individuals, who are thus relieved from the necessity of forming opinions of their own.
** [[Alexis de Tocqueville]], ''{{w|Democracy in America}}'', Volume II, Book I, Chapter II (1840)

*America...has neither king, nobility nor clergy established by law and it is notwithstanding, I am satisfied, at this hour, the most flourishing and the best governed spot on the face of this earth.
**[[Theobald Wolfe Tone]], address to the peasantry of Ireland, by A Traveller (14 October 1796), quoted in  Theobald Wolfe Tone, ''The Writings of Theobold Wolfe Tone, 1763–98, Volume II: America, France and Bantry Bay, August 1795 to December 1796'', eds. T. W. Moody, R. B. McDowell and C. J. Woods (2001), p. 352

* There is only one possible route of action, Greenhouse gases have to be radically reduced and it has to happen worldwide. Until now, the U.S. has kept its eyes shut to this emergency. [Americans] make up a mere 4 percent of the population, but are responsible for close to a quarter of emissions.
** [[w:Jürgen Trittin|Jürgen Trittin]], ''[[w:DER SPIEGEL|Der Spiegel Online]]'' (30 August 2005)

* I am not worried about the Communist Party taking over the [[Federal government of the United States|Government of the United States]], but I am against a person, whose loyalty is not to the Government of the United States, holding a Government job. They are entirely different things. I am not worried about this country ever going Communist. We have too much sense for that.
** [[Harry S. Truman]], responding to a question at his press conference (February 28, 1947); reported in ''Public Papers of the Presidents of the United States: Harry S. Truman, 1947'', p. 191

* No nation on this globe should be more internationally minded than America because it was built by all nations.
** [[Harry S. Truman]], speech at Chicago on 17 March 1945, as recorded in ''Good Old Harry''
*At the present moment in world history nearly every nation must choose between alternative ways of life. The choice is too often not a free one. One way of life is based upon the will of the majority, and is distinguished by free institutions, representative government, free elections, guarantees of individual liberty, freedom of speech and religion, and freedom from political oppression. The second way of life is based upon the will of a minority forcibly imposed upon the majority. It relies upon terror and oppression, a controlled press and radio, fixed elections, and the suppression of personal freedoms. I believe that it must be the policy of the United States to support free peoples who are resisting attempted subjugation by armed minorities or by outside pressures. I believe that we must assist free peoples to work out their own destinies in their own way. I believe that our help should be primarily through economic and financial aid which is essential to economic stability and orderly political processes. The world is not static, and the status quo is not sacred. But we cannot allow changes in the status quo in violation of the Charter of the United Nations by such methods as coercion, or by such subterfuges as political infiltration. In helping free and independent nations to maintain their freedom, the United States will be giving effect to the principles of the Charter of the United Nations.
**[[Harry S. Truman]], [https://www.americanrhetoric.com/speeches/harrystrumantrumandoctrine.html The Truman Doctrine], delivered 12 March 1947 before a Joint Session of Congress

* Our country is being run horribly... Our country is a mess.
** [[Donald Trump]], [http://time.com/4182096/republican-debate-charleston-transcript-full-text/ Sixth Republican Debate in Charleston], ''[[w:Time (magazine)|Time]]'' (14 January 2016)

* America is governed by Americans. We reject the ideology of [[globalism]] and we embrace the doctrine of [[patriotism]].
** [[Donald Trump]], [https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=UrDqWODR2NY Address at the 74th Session of the UN General Assembly]

*America is a nation of believers, dreamers, and strivers that is being led by a group of censors, critics, and cynics.
*We must choose to Believe In America. History is watching us now.
**[[Donald Trump]], [https://www.vox.com/2016/7/21/12253426/donald-trump-acceptance-speech-transcript-republican-nomination-transcript &quot;Full transcript of Donald Trump’s acceptance speech at the RNC&quot;, ''Vox'' (22 July 2016)] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fs0pZ_GrTy8 &quot;Donald Trump's entire Republican convention speech&quot;, ''CNN'' (21 July 2016)] · [http://www.politico.com/story/2016/07/full-transcript-donald-trump-nomination-acceptance-speech-at-rnc-225974 Donald Trump 2016 RNC draft speech transcript], ''{{w|Politico}}'' (21 July 2016)

* I respect this country. I love this country. This country which gives chance to everybody else to be treated as a human being and to just to be human being. To feel yourself human being.
** Ruslan Tsarni, as quoted in [http://www.newyorker.com/news/news-desk/the-suspects-uncle &quot;The Suspect's Uncle&quot;] (19 April 2013), by Nicholas Thompson, ''New Yorker''

*No [[California]] gentleman or lady ever abuses or oppresses a Chinaman, under any circumstances, an explanation that seems to be much needed in the east. Only the scum of the population do it; they and their children. They, and, naturally and consistently, the policemen and politicians, likewise, for these are the dust-licking pimps and slaves of the scum, there as well as elsewhere in America.
** [[Mark Twain]], [http://www.friesian.com/quotes.htm ''Roughing It'']

* I think it's un-American not to go out with a woman, not to be with a beautiful woman, not to get my dick sucked.
** [[Mike Tyson]], as quoted in [http://espn.go.com/boxing/news/2002/0503/1377497.html ''ESPN''] (2002)

==U==
* Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.
** [[First Amendment to the United States Constitution|''First Amendment to the U.S. Constitution'']] (1791).

* Treason against the United States, shall consist only in levying war against them, or in adhering to their enemies, giving them aid and comfort. No person shall be convicted of treason unless on the testimony of two witnesses to the same overt act, or on the confession in open court.
** [[w:Article Three of the United States Constitution|Article III of the United States Constitution]] (1787), Section III.

* The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.
** [[w:Fourth Amendment to the United States Constitution|''Fourth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution'']] (1791).

* The Senators and Representatives before mentioned, and the Members of the several State Legislatures, and all executive and judicial Officers, both of the United States and of the several States, shall be bound by Oath or Affirmation, to support this Constitution; but no religious test shall ever be required as a qualification to any office or public trust under the United States.
** [[w:No Religious Test Clause|Paragraph III]], [[w:Article Six of the United States Constitution|Article IV of the United States Constitution]] (1787).

* The right of citizens of the United States to vote shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of race, color, or previous condition of servitude.
** Fifteenth Amendment to the ''United States Constitution''
[[File:Sumter.jpg|thumb|Treason against the United States, shall consist only in levying war against them, or in adhering to their enemies, giving them aid and comfort. ~ [[w:Article Three of the United States Constitution|Section III, Article III of the U.S. Constitution]]]]
[[File:15th-amendment-celebration-1870.jpg|thumb|The right of citizens of the United States to vote shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of race, color, or previous condition of servitude. ~ Fifteenth Amendment to the ''[[United States Constitution]]'']]
[[File:&quot;Freedom of Worship&quot; - NARA - 513537.jpg|thumb|No religious test shall ever be required as a qualification to any office or public trust under the United States. ~ [[w:No Religious Test Clause|Paragraph III]], [[w:Article Six of the United States Constitution|Article IV of the United States Constitution]]]]
[[File:Harriet Tubman Civil War Woodcut.jpg|thumb|The right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed. ~ [[Second Amendment to the United States Constitution|''Second Amendment to the U.S. Constitution'']]]]


==V==
[[File:La_B%C3%AAte_de_la_Mer.jpg|thumb|Stand tall for the beast of America. &lt;br&gt; Lay down like a [[naked]] [[dead]] [[body]], &lt;br&gt; keep it [[real]] for the people workin' [[w:Overtime|overtime]], &lt;br&gt; they can't stay living off the [[governments]] dime. ~ [[w:Nico Vega|Nico Vega]]]]
* [[w:United States|There]], they'll deport you. In [[Mexico]] they'll probably let you go, but they'll beat you up and steal everything you've got first.
** [[w:Hector Vázquez|Hector Vázquez]], as quoted in [http://www.usatoday.com/news/world/2010-05-25-mexico-migrants_N.htm?csp=34news &quot;Activists blast Mexico’s immigration law&quot;] (25 May 2010), ''USA Today''.

* Stand tall for the beast of America. &lt;br&gt; Lay down like a naked dead body, &lt;br&gt; keep it real for the people workin' overtime, &lt;br&gt; they can't stay living off the governments dime.
** [[w:Nico Vega|Nico Vega]], [[w:Beast (Nico Vega song)|&quot;Beast&quot;]], ''chooseyourwordspoorly'', (2006).

* That all men are by nature equally free and independent and have certain inherent rights, of which, when they enter into a state of society, they cannot, by any compact, deprive or divest their posterity; namely, the enjoyment of life and liberty, with the means of acquiring and possessing property, and pursuing and obtaining happiness and safety.
** ''{{w|Virginia Declaration of Rights}}'' (12 June 1776)

==W==
[[File:GeorgeWashington.jpg|thumb|The preservation of the sacred fire of liberty, and the destiny of the republican model of government, are justly considered as deeply, perhaps as finally staked, on the experiment entrusted to the hands of the American people. ~ [[George Washington]]]]
[[File:US flag 13 stars.svg|thumb|Citizens of the United States of America have a right to applaud themselves for giving to mankind examples of an enlarged and liberal policy. A policy worthy of imitation. All possess alike liberty of conscience and immunities of citizenship. ~ [[George Washington]]]]
[[File:Eagle and American Flag by Bubbels.jpg|thumb|It is of infinite moment, that you should properly estimate the immense value of your national Union to your collective and individual happines; that you should cherish a cordial, habitual, and immovable attachment to it; accustoming yourselves to think and speak of it as of the Palladium of your political safety and prosperity; watching for its preservation with jealous anxiety... ~ [[George Washington]]]]
[[File:US Navy 070704-N-2893B-002 Personnelman 2nd Class Jorge Fernandez is among 10 new American citizens sworn in during a naturalization ceremony aboard USS Constitution on her Independence Day underway demonstration.jpg|thumb|America is open to receive not only the Opulent and respectable Stranger, but the oppressed and persecuted of all Nations And Religions; whom we shall wellcome to a participation of all our rights and previleges. ~ [[George Washington]]]]
[[File:Capitol 07130011.jpg|thumb|For happily the government of the United States, which gives to [[bigotry]] no sanction, to persecution no assistance, requires only that they who live under its protection should demean themselves as good citizens in giving it on all occasions their effectual support. ~ [[George Washington]]]]
[[File:Adas Israel Synagogue DC.JPG|thumb|In this enlightened age, and in this land of equal liberty, it is our boast, that a man's religious tenets will not forfeit the protection of the laws, nor deprive him of the right of attaining and holding the highest offices that are known in the United States. ~ [[George Washington]]]]
[[File:Sunrise_in_Midtown,_New_York_City_-_January_16,_2013.jpg|thumb|The next Augustan age will dawn on [[Americas|the other side of the Atlantic]]. There will, perhaps, be a Thucydides at Boston, a Xenophon at [[New York City|New York]]... ~ [[Horace Walpole]]]]
[[File:San Francisco, California. Flag of allegiance pledge at Raphael Weill Public School, Geary and Buch . . . - NARA - 537476.tif|thumb|As a nation based on the idea of equality, America has been a melting pot. It has taken people from diverse traditions and turned them into freedom-loving and decent citizens... In principle, people of all races can become citizens of a nation based on the idea that ''{{'}}all men are created equal{{'}}''. ~ [[w:Thomas G. West|Thomas West]]]]
* The next Augustan age will dawn on the other side of the Atlantic. There will, perhaps, be a Thucydides at Boston, a Xenophon at [[New York]], and, in time, a Virgil at [[Mexico]], and a Newton at [[Peru]].
** [[Horace Walpole]], English art historian, writer, antiquarian and politician in a letter to Sir Horace Mann (November 24, 1774)

* We don't believe in credibility, because we know that we're fucking incredible... We don't like to kill our unborn, we need them to grow up and fight our wars.
** [[Marilyn Manson|Brian Warner]], &quot;[http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/marilynmanson/werefromamerica.html We're From America]&quot;, ''The High End of Low'' (2009).

* I believe the preservation of our civil liberties to be the most fundamental and important of all our governmental problems, because it always has been with us and always will be with us and if we ever permit those liberties to be destroyed, there will be nothing left in our system worthy of preservation. They constitute the soul of democracy. I believe that there is grave danger in this country of losing our civil liberties as they have been lost in other countries. 
** [[Earl Warren]], views on civil rights declared in a written statement requested by {{w|Robert W. Kenny}}, read during fundraising luncheon at the Biltmore Hotel, in Los Angeles, in the summer of 1938, as quoted in ''Lawyers Guild Review'' Vol. 13-14 (1953), p. 47.

* We have consistently denied the constitutionality of measures which restrict the rights of citizens on account of race. There can be no doubt that restricting the freedom to marry solely because of racial classifications violates the central meaning of the Equal Protection Clause.
** [[Earl Warren]], [http://www.amazon.com/Everyone-African-Science-Explodes-Myth/dp/1633880184/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8 ''Loving v. Virginia''] (1967).

* Unhappy it is though to reflect, that a Brother's Sword has been sheathed in a Brother's breast, and that, the once happy and peaceful plains of America are either to be drenched with Blood, or Inhabited by Slaves. Sad alternative! But can a virtuous Man hesitate in his choice?
** [[George Washington]], [http://memory.loc.gov/cgi-bin/query/r?ammem/mgw:@field(DOCID+@lit(gw030206)) letter to George William Fairfax] (May 31, 1775)

* I am sure there never was a people, who had more reason to acknowledge a divine interposition in their affairs, than those of the United States; and I should be pained to believe, that they have forgotten that agency, which was so often manifested during our revolution, or that they failed to consider the omnipotence of that God, who is alone able to protect them.
** [[George Washington]], letter to John Armstrong (March 11, 1782), as quoted in Ford's ''Writings of George Washington'' (1891), vol. XII, p. 111.

* America is open to receive not only the Opulent and respectable Stranger, but the oppressed and persecuted of all Nations And Religions; whom we shall wellcome to a participation of all our rights and previleges, if by decency and propriety of conduct they appear to merit the enjoyment.
** [[George Washington]], letter to the members of the Volunteer Association and other Inhabitants of the Kingdom of Ireland who have lately arrived in the City of New York (December 2, 1783), as quoted in John C. Fitzpatrick, ed., ''The Writings of George Washington'' (1938), vol. 27, p. 254.

* The establishment of our new government seemed to be the last great experiment for promoting human happiness by a reasonable compact in civil society. It was to be in the first instance, in a considerable degree, a government of accommodation as well as a government of laws. Much was to be done by prudence, much by conciliation, much by firmness. Few, who are not philosophical spectators, can realize the difficult and delicate part, which a man in my situation had to act. All see, and most admire, the glare which hovers round the external happiness of elevated office.
** [[George Washington]], [https://web.archive.org/web/20160218134748/http://www.bartleby.com/400/prose/421.html letter to Catharine Macaulay Graham] (January 9, 1790), New York.

* I dwell on this prospect with every satisfaction which an ardent love for my Country can inspire: since there is no truth more thoroughly established, than that there exists in the oeconomy and course of nature, an indissoluble union between virtue and happiness, between duty and advantage, between the genuine maxims of an honest and magnanimous policy, and the solid rewards of public prosperity and felicity: Since we ought to be no less persuaded that the propitious smiles of Heaven, can never be expected on a nation that disregards the eternal rules of order and right, which Heaven itself has ordained: And since the preservation of the sacred fire of liberty, and the destiny of the Republican model of Government, are justly considered as deeply, perhaps as finally staked, on the experiment entrusted to the hands of the American people.
** First Inaugural Address (April 30, 1789), published in The Writings of [[George Washington]], edited by John C. Fitzpatrick, Vol. 30, pp. 294-5.

* The Citizens of the United States of America have a right to applaud themselves for giving to Mankind examples of an enlarged and liberal policy: a policy worthy of imitation. All possess alike liberty of conscience and immunities of citizenship. It is now no more that toleration is spoken of, as if it was by the indulgence of one class of people that another enjoyed the exercise of their inherent natural rights. For happily the government of the United States, which gives to [[bigotry]] no sanction, to persecution no assistance, requires only that they who live under its protection should demean themselves as good citizens in giving it on all occasions their effectual support.
** [[George Washington]], letter to the Hebrew Congregation of Newport (1790).

* We have abundant reason to rejoice, that, in this land, the light of truth and reason has triumphed over the power of [[bigotry]] and superstition, and that every person may here worship God according to the dictates of his own heart. In this enlightened age, and in this land of equal liberty, it is our boast, that a man's religious tenets will not forfeit the protection of the laws, nor deprive him of the right of attaining &amp; holding the highest offices that are known in the United States.
** [[George Washington]], [http://memory.loc.gov/cgi-bin/ampage?collId=mgw2&amp;fileName=gwpage039.db&amp;recNum=111 letter to The New Church] (January 22, 1793)

* It is of infinite moment, that you should properly estimate the immense value of your national Union to your collective and individual happiness; that you should cherish a cordial, habitual, and immovable attachment to it; accustoming yourselves to think and speak of it as of the Palladium of your political safety and prosperity; watching for its preservation with jealous anxiety; discountenancing whatever may suggest even a suspicion, that it can in any event be abandoned; and indignantly frowning upon the first dawning of every attempt to alienate any portion of our country from the rest, or to enfeeble the sacred ties which now link together the various parts.
** [[George Washington]], [[s:Washington's Farewell Address|Farewell Address]] (September 17, 1796)

* While, then, every part of our country thus feels an immediate and particular interest in Union, all the parts combined cannot fail to find in the united mass of means and efforts greater strength, greater resource, proportionably greater security from external danger, a less frequent interruption of their peace by foreign nations; and, what is of inestimable value, they must derive from Union an exemption from those broils and wars between themselves, which so frequently afflict neighboring countries not tied together by the same governments, which their own rivalships alone would be sufficient to produce, but which opposite foreign alliances, attachments, and intrigues would stimulate and embitter.
** [[George Washington]], [[s:Washington's Farewell Address|farewell address]] (17 September 1796).

* Not only do I pray for it, on the score of human dignity, but I can clearly forsee that nothing but the rooting out of slavery can perpetuate the existence of our union, by consolidating it in a common bond of principle.
** Attributed to [[George Washington]], John Bernard, Retrospections of America, 1797–1811, p. 91 (1887). This is from Bernard's account of a conversation he had with Washington in 1798. Reported as unverified in ''Respectfully Quoted: A Dictionary of Quotations'' (1989).

* &lt;p&gt;I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them, if that's what you're asking. Our so-called stealing of this country from them was just a matter of survival. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves...&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Look, I'm sure there have been inequalities. If those inequalities are presently affecting any of the Indians now alive, they have a right to a court hearing. But what happened 100 years ago in our country can't be blamed on us today...&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;This may come as a surprise to you, but I wasn't alive when reservations were created — even if I do look that old. I have no idea what the best method of dealing with the Indians in the 1800s would have been. Our forefathers evidently thought they were doing the right thing.&lt;/p&gt; 
:* [[John Wayne]], as quoted in [http://www.snopes.com/quotes/johnwayne/indians.asp ''Playboy''] (May 1971).

* I never use the words [[Democrats]] and [[Republicans]]. It's [[liberals]] and Americans.
** [[James G. Watt]], in a statement of November 1981, quoted in ''New York Times'' (10 October 1983); also quoted in ''Energy and Environment : The Unfinished Business'' (1986) by Congressional Quarterly, Inc., p. 91.

* [[W:United States of America|One country]], one constitution, one destiny.
** [[Daniel Webster]], Speech (15 March 1837); reported in Edward Everett, ed., The Works of Daniel Webster (1851), page 349

* Before a standing army can rule, the people must be disarmed; as they are in almost every kingdom of [[Europe]]. The supreme power in America cannot enforce unjust laws by the sword; because the whole body of the people are armed, and constitute a force superior to any bands of regular troops that can be, on any pretense, raised in the United States.
** [[Noah Webster]], writing under the ''nom de plume'' of &quot;A Citizen of America&quot;, as quoted in ''An Examination Into the Leading Principles of the Constitution'' (17 October 1787).

* If we don't get gun-control laws in this country, we are full of beans. To have the National Rifle Association rule the United States is pathetic. And I agree with Mayor Michael Bloomberg: It's time to put up or shut up about gun control for both parties.
** {{w|Harvey Weinstein}}, as quoted in [https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/harvey-weinstein-colorado-shooting-dark-knight-rises-354978 Harvey Weinstein Calls for Filmmaker Summit on Violence in Movies After Colorado Shooting] by Pamela McClintock, ''HollyWood Reporter'', July 26, 2012

* As a nation based on the idea of equality, America has been a melting pot. It has taken people from diverse traditions and turned them into freedom-loving and decent citizens... In principle, people of all races can become citizens of [[w:United States|a nation based on the idea that 'all men are created equal']].
** [[w:Thomas G. West|Thomas West]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=DjlpSl-x1gMC&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;dq=vindicating+the+founders&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0CC8Q6AEwAGoVChMI0Jf4v8jRxwIVAXo-Ch1tYgf2#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false ''Vindicating the Founders''] (2001), Rowman &amp; Littlefield Publishers, Inc., p. 28.

* No more, America, in mournful strain. Of wrongs, and grievance unredress'd complain. No longer shalt thou dread the iron chain. Which wanton Tyranny with lawless hand. Had made, and with it meant t' enslave the land.
** [[Phillis Wheatley]], &quot;To The Right Honorable William, Earl of Dartmouth&quot; st. 2-3, ''Poems on Various Subjects, Religious and Moral'' (1773).

* I was a very minor missionary, actually a heretic, but I toiled wholeheartedly in the vineyards because it was fun, fun, fun. Where else could a red-blooded American boy lie, kill, cheat, steal, rape, and pillage with the sanction and blessing of the All-Highest?
**{{w|George White}}, head of {{w|Operation Midnight Climax}}, as quoted in ''The Strength of the Wolf: The Secret History of America's War on Drugs'', by Douglas Valentine.

* Looking out a dirty old window, down below the cars in the city go rushing by. I sit here alone and I wonder why... We're the kids in America! We're the kids in America! Everybody lives for the music, go round!
** {{w|Kim Wilde}}, &quot;{{w|Kids in America}}&quot; (1981), ''[[w:Kim Wilde (album)|Kim Wilde]]''.

* I'm not leaving, now. Honey, not a chance.
** {{w|Kim Wilde}}, &quot;{{w|Kids in America}}&quot; (1981), ''[[w:Kim Wilde (album)|Kim Wilde]]''.

* America has always been very visible... I'm still proud to be from the country that I'm from, I still love the country that I'm from. I'm still able to achieve great things here and I'm doing my best to do so. But, it's amazing. When we came together like that, when we put our differences aside and we declared war on the people that harmed us... When we got together to help the people and the families of the people that died... It made me feel amazing. It made me feel patriotic, it made me feel strong, it made me love this country in a way that in all my years I'd never really loved it. You know? Because that's the America we all dream of. That's the America that we all want, this America that's strong, and powerful and strikes back when necessary. The sleeping giant that we were taught about in our history books, ready to just to just be the super-power that we need to be and having the best army in the world and wow. Wow. A congress and a president that'll work together, and what have we become? Eleven years later? Eleven years later we don't have those answers that we wanted... We've done so much to gut ourselves. We've done so much to gut our freedoms... At the end of the day, the America that we could have been had we stayed on that path, the America that we could have been had we stayed together, had we worked hard to rebuild, to be better to be stronger, is a dream again. You know, and that's really sad... We're more divided than we've ever been, and that? That breaks my heart... You? If you're under the age of eighteen, you've never lived in an America like ours. You know? You've lived in a good country, don't get me wrong. You've lived in a fantastic country, one that's ailing right now, there's no arguing that. But, so close and yet? So far... I remember that American dream, and I just wonder. I wonder if America can ever be the same again. We'll see.
** Steven Williams, [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JHfrce1Yd48 &quot;Story Time With Boogie: September 11th, 2001&quot;] (September 2012), ''YouTube''.

* The underlying cause has to do with deep, deep, deep realms of racial injustice, both in our criminal justice system and in our economic system... The Democratic Party should be on the side of [[reparations for slavery]] for this very reason... I do not believe that the average American is a racist, but the average American is woefully undereducated about the history of race in the United States. 
* What [[Reparations for slavery|reparations]] carry that race-based policies do not, is that reparations carry spiritual force there is an inherent mea culpa it is more than just economic restitution, its more than just economic restitution... It is a moral and an emotional and a psychological effect of reparations because it is an inherent acknowledgment of a wrong that has been done and a willingness to right it.
* You simply cannot have the future you want if you are not willing to clean up your past... And its time for us to put some things to bed on that issue. Its time. The civil war was over in 1865.
**[[Marianne Williamson]] quoted in [https://www.foxnews.com/politics/long-shot-2020-dem-marianne-williamson-calls-for-reparations-after-debate-skirmish-over-south-bend-shooting ''Long-shot 2020 Dem Marianne Williamson calls for reparations, after debate skirmish over South Bend shooting'']  (28 June 2019)

*'''13 million children are hungry in America. Yet most politicians do not even talk about it.''' Children aren’t old enough to vote, nor old enough to work therefore they have no financial leverage. They’re not old enough to advocate for themselves. That’s our job.
*The political establishment has simply normalized the despair of millions of American children who are chronically traumatized by poverty, hunger, and all manner of violence. This is what happens when government becomes more an instrument of corporate profits then of conscience.  
*The vulnerabilities, challenges and chronic trauma of millions of American children should be recognized as a social justice issue. An economic system with no particular use for children - or for older people - has left both groups underserved.
*'''This country shouldn’t be run like a business, it should be run like a family. First we should take care of our children &amp; older people, making sure they have everything they need to thrive. Everything else would then heal itself from there.''' Moral repair precedes societal repair.
:*[[Marianne Williamson]],[https://twitter.com/marwilliamson Twitter] (30 Dec 2019)
 
*When our goal is for every public school in America to be a palace of learning, culture &amp; the arts - all green, of course - think how many jobs will be created building the schools, and how much wealth will ultimately be created because of the education children receive in them.
**[[Marianne Williamson]],[https://twitter.com/marwilliamson Twitter] (31 Dec 2019)

*America’s most important ally should be humanity itself. Our species will not survive another 100 years if we don’t move from a competitive to a [[cooperative]] mode of existence. “Me first” is an obsolete, unsustainable perspective.
**[[Marianne Williamson]],[https://twitter.com/marwilliamson Twitter] (8 Jan 2020)

*To put it simply, America is having a nervous breakdown. A spiritual crisis. A complete disassembling of the personality after which a more authentic self might emerge.  Yet for that transformation to occur, as a nation, we're going to have to do the work any individual must do to turn such a crisis into an opportunity. It won't be easy, and there will be truths we'll try our best to avoid. We're going to rail against our misfortune and blame other people for our suffering. But ultimately, if we're to emerge intact, we're going to have to do what anyone must do at such a time as this. We're going to have to look in the mirror...&lt;BR&gt;Over the past 40 years, as a nation, we stopped even trying to be good, to be just, to be ethical, to be merciful. Such concepts went from the elements of a moral spine to the quaint platitudes of a discarded righteousness. Who can name one domestic or international policy—backed, as policies are, by the tremendous force of American wealth and power—where the dominant political conversation had anything to do with words such as those? Our collective behavior toward children, the poor, the planet, one another and other people around the world has been and remains so devoid of any sense of moral responsibility that we have landed on a trajectory of chaos that could hardly have led us anywhere other than where we are now.
**[[Marianne Williamson]] in  [https://www.newsweek.com/marianne-williamson-americas-karma-opinion-1529724 America's Karma, ''Newsweek'',] (4 September 2020)

* The Americans have always been more open to my ideas. In fact, I could earn a living in America just by lecturing. One of my brightest audiences, incidentally, were the prisoners in a Philadelphia [[Prison|gaol]] — brighter than my students at [[university]].
** [[Colin Wilson]], interview with Paul Newman, as quoted in ''Abraxas Unbound'', #7.

* Sometimes people call me an idealist. Well, that is the way I know I am an American. America, my fellow citizens, I do not say it in disparagement of any other great people. America is the only idealistic nation in the world. When I speak practical judgments about business affairs, I can only guess whether I am speaking the voice of America or not, but when I speak the ideal purposes of history I know that I am speaking the voice of America, because I have saturated myself since I was a boy in the records of that spirit, and everywhere in them there is this authentic tone of the love of justice and the service of humanity. If by any mysterious influence of error America should not take the leading part in this new enterprise of concerted power, the world would experience one of those reversals of sentiment, one of those penetrating chills of reaction, which would lead to a universal cynicism, for if America goes back upon mankind, mankind has no other place to turn. It is the hope of nations all over the world that America will do this great thing.
** [[Woodrow Wilson]], address at Sioux Falls (8 September 1919), as recorded in ''Addresses of President Wilson'' (1919), p. 86; the first portion of this quote has sometimes been paraphrased: &quot;Sometimes people call me an idealist. Well, that is the way I know I am an American. America is the only idealistic nation in the world.&quot;

* Republicanism did not die away. They remain to temper the scramble for private wealth and happiness and they continue to underlie for many of our ideals and aspirations: for our belief in equality and our dislike of pretension and privilege; our deep yearning for individual autonomy and freedom from all ties of dependency; our periodic hopes, expressed, for example, in the election of military heroes and in the mugwump and progressive movements, that some political leaders might rise above parties and become truly disinterested umpires and deliberative representatives; our long-held conviction that farming is morally healthier and freer of selfish marketplace concerns than other activities; our preoccupation with the fragility of the republic and its liability to corruption; and, finally, our remarkable obsession with our own national virtue-an obsession that still bewilders the rest of the world.
** Gordon S. Wood, [http://scholarship.kentlaw.iit.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=2785&amp;context=cklawreview &quot;Classical Republicanism and the American Revolution&quot;] (April 1990), ''Chicago-Kent Law Review''.

==X==
[[File:Malcolm X NYWTS 3.jpg|thumb|I'm not going to sit at your table and watch you eat, with nothing on my plate, and call myself a diner. Sitting at the table doesn't make you a diner, unless you eat some of what's on that plate. Being here in America doesn't make you an American. Being born here in America doesn't make you an American. ... No, I’m not an American. I’m one of the 22 million black people who are the victims of Americanism. One of the 22 million black people who are the victims of democracy, nothing but disguised hypocrisy. ~ [[Malcolm X]]]]
* I'm not going to sit at your table and watch you eat, with nothing on my plate, and call myself a diner. Sitting at the table doesn't make you a diner, unless you eat some of what's on that plate. Being here in America doesn't make you an American. Being born here in America doesn't make you an American. ... No,  I’m not an American. I’m one of the 22 million black people who are the victims of Americanism. One of the 22 million black people who are the victims of democracy, nothing but disguised hypocrisy.
** [[Malcolm X]], [[w:The Ballot or the Bullet|Speech in Cleveland, Ohio]] (April 3, 1964).

* If this is a country of freedom, let it be a country of freedom; and if it's not a country of freedom, change it.
** [[Malcolm X]], [[w:The Ballot or the Bullet|Speech in Cleveland, Ohio]] (April 3, 1964).

* The problem facing our people here in America is bigger than all other personal or organizational differences. Therefore as leaders, we must stop worrying about the threat we seem to think we pose to each other's personal prestige.
** [[Malcolm X]], as quoted in ''Malcolm X Speaks: Selected Speeches and Statements'' (1965) by George Breitman, p. 21.
*Why is America – why does this loom to be such an explosive political year? Because this is the year of politics. This is the year when all of the white politicians are going to come into the Negro community. You never see them until election time. You can't find them until election time. They're going to come in with false promises. And as they make these false promises they're going to feed our frustrations, and this will only serve to make matters worse. I'm no politician. I'm not even a student of politics. I'm not a Republican, nor a Democrat, nor an American – and got sense enough to know it. 'm one of the 22 million black victims of the Democrats. One of the 22 million black victims of the Republicans and one of the 22 million black victims of Americanism. And when I speak, I don't speak as a Democrat or a Republican, nor an American. I speak as a victim of America's so-called democracy. You and I have never seen democracy – all we've seen is hypocrisy.
**[[Malcolm X]], &quot;[http://americanradioworks.publicradio.org/features/blackspeech/mx.html The Ballot or the Bullet],&quot; King Solomon Baptist Church, Detroit, Michigan - April 12, 1964
*When we open our eyes today and look around America, we see America not through the eyes of someone who has enjoyed the fruits of Americanism. We see America through the eyes of someone who has been the victim of Americanism. We don't see any American dream. We've experienced only the American nightmare. We haven't benefited from America's democracy. We've only suffered from America's hypocrisy. And the generation that's coming up now can see it. And are not afraid to say it. If you go to jail, so what? If you're black, you were born in jail. If you black you were born in jail, in the North as well as the South. Stop talking about the South. As long as you south of the Canadian border, you South. Don't call [[George Wallace|Governor Wallace]] a Dixie governor, [[w:George W. Romney|Romney]] is a Dixie Governor. Twenty-two million black victims of Americanism are waking up and they are gaining a new political consciousness, becoming politically mature. And as they become – develop this political maturity, they're able to see the recent trends in these political elections. They see that the whites are so evenly divided that every time they vote, the race is so close they have to go back and count the votes all over again. Which means that any block, any minority that has a block of votes that stick together is in a strategic position. Either way you go, that's who gets it. You're in a position to determine who'll go to the White House and who'll stay in the doghouse.
**[[Malcolm X]], &quot;[http://americanradioworks.publicradio.org/features/blackspeech/mx.html The Ballot or the Bullet],&quot; King Solomon Baptist Church, Detroit, Michigan - April 12, 1964

* Americans have a clear outlook on values and clearly demarcate between good and evil. In American movies, good usually prevails.
** [[w:Xi Jinping|Jinping Xi]], as quoted in [http://www.reuters.com/article/2012/02/08/us-china-usa-xi-idUSTRE8170FZ20120208 &quot;China leader-in-waiting carries heavy political baggage to U.S.&quot;] (February 8, 2012), by Chris Buckley, ''Reuters''.

==Y==
* Should hostilities once break out between [[Japan]] and the [[w:United States|United States]], it is not enough that we take Guam and the Philippines, nor even Hawaii and San Francisco. To make victory certain, we would have to march into Washington and dictate the terms of peace in the White House. I wonder if our politicians, among whom armchair arguments about war are being glibly bandied about in the name of state politics, have confidence as to the final outcome and are prepared to make the necessary sacrifices.
** [[Isoroku Yamamoto]], letter to {{w|Ryoichi Sasakawa}}, as quoted in ''At Dawn We Slept'' (1981) by Gordon W. Prange, p. 11.

* In the first six to twelve months of a war with the United States and Great Britain I will run wild and win victory upon victory. But then, if the war continues after that, I have no expectation of success.
** [[Isoroku Yamamoto]], statement to Japanese cabinet minister Shigeharu Matsumoto and Japanese prime minister {{w|Fumimaro Konoe}}, as quoted in ''Eagle Against the Sun: The American War With Japan'' (1985) by Ronald Spector.

==Z==
* The American system expanded peace and prosperity throughout the world in a way the human race had never experienced before. 
** {{w|Peter Zeihan}}, [http://nationalpost.com/news/politics/why-leaving-canada-makes-sense-for-alberta-and-u-s-would-likely-welcome-a-new-state interview with Jen Gerson] (March 2015).

* We have 500,000 reservists in America who would rise in arms against your government if you dare to make a move against Germany.
** Zimmermann to Ambassador Gerard. James W. Gerard: &quot;I told him that we had five hundred thousand and one lamp posts in America, and that was where the German reservists would find themselves if they tried any uprising.&quot; Ambassador Gerard's answer. James W. Gerard, [http://www.loc.gov/teachers/classroommaterials/presentationsandactivities/presentations/timeline/progress/wwone/loyalty.html ''My Four Years in Germany''], p. 237.

*The reason why the U.S. Government must be prosecuted for its war-crimes against Iraq is that they are so horrific and there are so many of them, and [[international law]] crumbles until they become prosecuted and severely punished for what they did. We therefore now have internationally a lawless world (or “World Order”) in which “Might makes right,” and in which there is really no effective international law, at all. This is merely gangster “law,” ruling on an international level... The seriousness of this international war crime is not as severe as those of the Nazis were, but nonetheless is comparable to it...  On 15 March 2018, Medea Benjamin and Nicolas J.S. Davies headlined at Alternet “The Staggering Death Toll in Iraq” and wrote that “our calculations, using the best information available, show a catastrophic estimate of 2.4 million Iraqi deaths since the 2003 invasion,” and linked to solid evidence, backing up their estimate.... On 6 February 2020, BusinessInsider bannered “US taxpayers have reportedly paid an average of $8,000 each and over $2 trillion total for the Iraq war alone”, and linked to the academic analysis that supported this estimate. The U.S. regime’s invasive war, which the Bush gang perpetrated against Iraq, was also a crime against the American people (though Iraqis suffered far more from it than we did).
**[https://ahtribune.com/world/north-africa-south-west-asia/iraq/4160-us-must-be-prosecuted.html Eric Zuesse, '''Why U.S. Must Be Prosecuted for Its War Crimes Against Iraq,''' ''American Herald Tribune''],  (16 May 2020)

*Bush’s successors, Obama and Trump, failed to press for Bush’s trial on these [[war crimes|vast crimes]], even though the American people had ourselves become enormously victimized by them, though far less so than Iraqis were. Instead, Bush’s successors have become accessories after the fact, by this failure to press for prosecution of him and his henchmen regarding this grave matter.  &lt;BR&gt;The actual crime, of invading and militarily occupying a country which had posed no threat to the national security of the invader, was ignored, and the conclusion was that “the situation did not appear to meet the required threshold of the Statute” (which was only “Willful killing or inhuman treatment of civilians” and which ignored the real crime, which was “aggressive war” or “the crime of aggression” — the crime for which Nazis had been hanged at Nuremberg).&lt;BR&gt; Furthermore, no charges whatsoever against the U.S. Government (the world’s most frequent and most heinous violator of international law) were considered.  In other words: [[International Criminal Court|the International Criminal Court]] is subordinate to, instead of applicable to, the U.S. regime.  Just like Adolf Hitler had repeatedly made clear that, to him, all nations except Germany were dispensable and only Germany wasn’t, Barack Obama repeatedly said that “The United States is and remains the one indispensable nation”, which likewise means that every other nation is “dispensable.” The criminal International Criminal Court accepts this, and yet expects to be respected.  
**[https://ahtribune.com/world/north-africa-south-west-asia/iraq/4160-us-must-be-prosecuted.html Eric Zuesse, '''Why U.S. Must Be Prosecuted for Its War Crimes Against Iraq,''' ''American Herald Tribune''],  (16 May 2020)

==''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia of Practical Quotations''==
:&lt;small&gt;Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), pp. 21&amp;ndash;23.&lt;/small&gt;

* ''{{lang|la|E pluribus unum}}.''
** From many, one.
** Motto of the United States of America. First appeared on title page of Gentleman's Miscellany, Jan., 1692. Pierre Antoine (Peter Anthony Motteaux) was editor. Dr. Simetiere affixed it to the American National Seal at time of the Revolution. See Howard P. Arnold Historical Side Lights. Compare: &quot;Ex pluribus unum facere&quot;; translation: ''From many to make one''; [[St. Augustine]], ''Confessions'', Book IV. 8. 13.

* Yet, still, from either beach,&lt;br&gt;The voice of blood shall reach,&lt;br&gt;More audible than speech,&lt;br&gt;  &quot;We are one!&quot;
** [[W. Allston]], ''America to Great Britain''.

* Asylum of the oppressed of every nation.
** Phrase used in the Democratic platform of 1856, referring to the U.S.

* O, Columbia, the gem of the ocean,&lt;br&gt;  The home of the brave and the free,&lt;br&gt;The shrine of each patriot's devotion,&lt;br&gt;  A world offers homage to thee.
** An adaptation of Shaw's ''Britannia''.

* America! half brother of the world!&lt;br&gt;With something good and bad of every land.
** [[Philip James Bailey]], ''Festus'' (1813), scene ''The Surface'', line 340.

* A people who are still, as it were, but in the gristle, and not yet hardened into the bone of manhood.
** [[Edmund Burke]], speech on Conciliation with America, ''Works'', Volume II.

* Young man, there is America—which at this day serves for little more than to amuse you with stories of savage men and uncouth manners; yet shall, before you taste of death, show itself equal to the whole of that commerce which now attracts the envy of the world.
** [[Edmund Burke]], speech on Conciliation with America, ''Works'', Volume II.

* I called the New World into existence to redress the balance of the Old.
** [[George Canning]], ''The King's Message'' (Dec. 12, 1826).

* The North! the South! the West! the East!&lt;br&gt;No one the most and none the least,&lt;br&gt;But each with its own heart and mind,&lt;br&gt;Each of its own distinctive kind,&lt;br&gt;Yet each a part and none the whole,&lt;br&gt;But all together form one soul;&lt;br&gt;That soul Our Country at its best,&lt;br&gt;No North, no South, no East, no West,&lt;br&gt;No yours, no mine, but always Ours,&lt;br&gt;Merged in one Power our lesser powers,&lt;br&gt;For no one's favor, great or small,&lt;br&gt;But all for Each and each for All.
** [[Edmund Vance Cooke]], ''Each for All'', in ''The Uncommon Commoner''.

* Columbia, Columbia, to glory arise,&lt;br&gt;The queen of the world and the child of the skies!&lt;br&gt;Thy genius commands thee; with rapture behold,&lt;br&gt;While ages on ages thy splendors unfold.
** [[Timothy Dwight]], ''Columbia''.

* Bring me men to match my mountains,&lt;br&gt;  Bring me men to match my plains,&lt;br&gt;Men with empires in their purpose,&lt;br&gt;  And new eras in their brains.
** [[Sam Walter Foss]], ''The Coming American''.

* Wake up America.
** [[Augustus P. Gardner]], speech (Oct. 16, 1916).

* The breaking waves dashed high&lt;br&gt;  On a stern and rock-bound coast;&lt;br&gt;And the woods, against a stormy sky,&lt;br&gt;  Their giant branches tost.
** [[Felicia Hemans]], ''Landing of the Pilgrim Fathers''.

* Hail, Columbia! happy land!&lt;br&gt;Hail, ye heroes! heavenborn band!&lt;br&gt;Who fought and bled in Freedom's cause.
** [[Joseph Hopkinson]], ''Hail Columbia''.

* America is a tune. It must be sung together.
** [[Gerald Stanley Lee]], ''Crowds'' (1913), Book V, Part III, Chapter XII.

* Thou, too, sail on, O Ship of State!&lt;br&gt;Sail on, O Union, strong and great!&lt;br&gt;Humanity with all its fears,&lt;br&gt;With all the hopes of future years,&lt;br&gt;Is hanging breathless on thy fate!
** [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]], ''Building of the Ship'', line 367.

* Down to the Plymouth Rock, that had been to their feet as a doorstep&lt;br&gt;Into a world unknown,—the corner-stone of a nation!
** [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]], ''The Courtship of Miles Standish'' (1858), Part V, Stanza 2.

* Earth's biggest Country's gut her soul&lt;br&gt;An' risen up Earth's Greatest Nation.
** [[James Russell Lowell]], ''The Biglow Papers'', Second Series. No. 7, Stanza 21.

* When asked what State he hails from,&lt;br&gt;  Our sole reply shall be,&lt;br&gt;He comes from Appomattox  And its famous apple tree.
** [[Miles O'Reilly]], poem quoted by [[Roscoe Conkling]] (June, 1880).

* Neither do I acknowledge the right of Plymouth to the whole rock. No, the rock underlies all America: it only crops out here.
** [[Wendell Phillips]], speech at the dinner of the Pilgrim Society at Plymouth (Dec. 21, 1855).

* Give it only the fulcrum of Plymouth Rock, an idea will upheave the continent.
** [[Wendell Phillips]], speech, New York (Jan. 21, 1863).

* We have room but for one Language here and that is the English Language, for we intend to see that the crucible turns our people out as Americans of American nationality and not as dwellers in a polyglot boarding-house.
** [[Theodore Roosevelt]].

* My country, 'tis of thee,&lt;br&gt;Sweet land of liberty,—&lt;br&gt;  Of thee I sing:&lt;br&gt;Land where my fathers died,&lt;br&gt;Land of the Pilgrim's pride,&lt;br&gt;From every mountain side&lt;br&gt;  Let freedom ring.
** [[Samuel F. Smith]], ''America''.

* In the four quarters of the globe, who reads an American book? or goes to an American play? or looks at an American picture or statue?
** [[Sydney Smith]], ''Works'', Volume II. America (Edinburgh Review, 1820).

* Gigantic daughter of the West&lt;br&gt;We drink to thee across the flood….&lt;br&gt;For art not thou of English blood?
** [[Alfred Tennyson]], ''Hands all Round'' (in the ''Oxford Tennyson''; Appeared in the ''Examiner'', 1862; ''The London Times'', 1880).

* So it's home again, and home again, America for me!&lt;br&gt;My heart is turning home again, and I long to be&lt;br&gt;In the land of youth and freedom beyond the ocean bars,&lt;br&gt;Where the air is full of sunshine, and the flag is full of stars.
** [[Henry Van Dyke]], ''America for Me''

* The youth of America is their oldest tradition. It has been going on now for three hundred years.
** [[Oscar Wilde]], ''A Woman of No Importance'' (1893), Act I

* Some Americans need hyphens in their names, because only part of them has come over; but when the whole man has come over, heart and thought and all, the hyphen drops of its own weight out of his name.
** [[Woodrow Wilson]], address, ''Unveiling of the Statue to the Memory of Commodore John Barry'', Washington (May 16, 1914).

* Just what is it that America stands for? If she stands for one thing more than another, it is for the sovereignty of self-governing people, and her example, her assistance, her encouragement, has thrilled two continents in this western world with all those fine impulses which have built up human liberty on both sides of the water. She stands, therefore, as an example of independence, as an example of free institutions, and as an example of disinterested international action in the main tenets of justice.
** [[Woodrow Wilson]], speech, Pittsburgh (Jan. 29, 1916).

* We want the spirit of America to be efficient; we want American character to be efficient; we want American character to display itself in what I may, perhaps, be allowed to call spiritual efficiency—clear, disinterested thinking and fearless action along the right lines of thought. America is not anything if it consists of each of us. It is something only if it consists of all of us; and it can consist of all of us only as our spirits are banded together in a common enterprise. That common enterprise is the enterprise of liberty and justice and right. And, therefore, I, for my part, have a great enthusiasm for rendering America spiritually efficient; and that conception lies at the basis of what seems very far removed from it, namely, the plans that have been proposed for the military efficiency of this nation.
** [[Woodrow Wilson]], speech, Pittsburgh (Jan. 29, 1916).

* Home from the lonely cities, time's wreck, and the naked woe,&lt;br&gt;Home through the clean great waters where freemen's pennants blow,&lt;br&gt;Home to the land men dream of, where all the nations go.
** [[George E. Woodberry]], ''Homeward Bound''

* We must consult Brother Jonathan.
** [[George Washington]]'s familiar reference to his secretary and Aide-de-camp, Col. Jonathan Trumbull; the phrase, {{w|Brother Jonathan}}, later came to mean the American people, collectively.

== See also ==
{{col-begin}}
{{col-3}}
* [[Achievement gaps in the United States]]
* [[American benevolence]]
* [[American Civil War]]
* [[American Dream]]
* [[American exceptionalism]]
* [[American literature]]
* [[American middle class]]
* [[American imperialism]]
* [[Immigration to the United States]]
* [[American Revolution|American Revolutionary War]]
* [[Anti-Americanism]]
* [[Articles of Confederation]]
*[[W:Corruption in the United States|Corruption in the United States]]
* [[Children and adolescents in the United States]]
* [[Crimes against humanity|Crimes against Humanity]]
* [[Death to America]]
* [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democratic Party]]
* [[Economy of the United States]]
* [[Education in the United States]]
{{col-3}}
* [[Federal government of the United States]]
* [[Founding Fathers of the United States]]
* [[Foreign policy of the United States|Foreign policy of the United States]]
* [[Hunger in the United States]]
* [[History of the United States]]
* [[Incarceration in the United States]]
* [[International Criminal Court]]
* [[Law enforcement in the United States]]
* [[W:Lobbying in the United States|Lobbying in the United States]]
* [[W:Military budget of the United States|Military budget of the United States]]
* [[Opioid epidemic in the United States]]
* [[Politics of the United States]]
* [[Post-racial America]]
* [[Poverty in the United States]]
* [[President of the United States]]
* [[Racism in the United States]]
* [[Religion in the United States]]
* [[Republican Party (United States)|Republican Party]]
* [[Residential segregation in the United States]]
{{col-3}}
* [[Separation of church and state in the United States]]
* [[Slavery in the United States]]
* [[Social programs in the United States]]
* [[Socioeconomic mobility in the United States]]
* [[Union (United States)|Union]]
* [[United States Armed Forces]]
* [[United States Congress]]
* [[United States Constitution]]
* [[United States Declaration of Independence]]
* [[United States Department of Agriculture]]
* [[United States embargo against Cuba]]
* [[United States sanctions|United States embargoes and economic sanctions against foreign countries]]
* [[United States Secretary of State]]
* [[United States Supreme Court]]
* [[War crimes]]
* [[Washington, D.C.]]
* [[Working class in the United States]]
{{col-end}}


* [[:Category:States of the United States|States of the United States]]

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
{{commons}}
{{wikiversity}}
{{Wiktionary}}
{{wikisource|Portal:{{PAGENAME}}}}
{{Wikivoyage|United States of America}}
*{{Official website|https://www.usa.gov/}}

[[Category:United States| ]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Jesus</title>
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      <text bytes="433757" xml:space="preserve">[[File:William-Adolphe Bouguereau The Virgin With Angels.jpg|thumb|You shall [[know]] the [[truth]], and the truth shall set you [[free]]. ]]
'''[[w:Jesus|Jesus of Nazareth]]''' (c. 4 BC – AD 30 / 33), also known as '''Jesus [[Christ]]''', '''[[w:Yeshua|Yeshua]]''', '''[[w:Jesus in the Talmud|Yeshu]]''', and '''[[w:Jesus in Islam|Isa]]''', is the central figure of [[Christianity]], a [[Philosophy|philosopher]] and [[w:Rabbi|teacher]]. He is believed to be the [[Messiah]] of ultimate salvation and the [[w:Son of God|Son of God]] by followers of [[Christianity|Christian]] traditions. [[w:Manichaeism|Manichaeans]], [[Gnosticism|Gnostics]], [[Islam|Muslims]], [[Bahá'í Faith|Bahá'ís]], and others have found prominent places for Jesus in their religions.
:''All Biblical quotes in this article should specify the translation or version which is being used''.
[[File:Leonardo da Vinci, Salvator Mundi, c.1500, oil on walnut, 45.4 × 65.6 cm.jpg|thumb|[[Repent]]: for the [[w:Kingdom of Heaven (Gospel of Matthew)|kingdom of heaven]] is at [[hand]].]]
[[File:Christ, by Heinrich Hofmann.jpg|thumb|A new [[command|commandment]] I give unto you, That ye [[love]] one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall [[all]] [[men]] [[know]] that ye are my [[disciples]], if ye have love one to another.]]
[[File:Кошелев Николай Голова Христа.jpg|thumb|Those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who [[humble]] themselves will be exalted.]]
[[File:1135 Mosaikikone mit Christus dem Barmherzigen Bodemuseum anagoria.JPG|thumb|The [[Spirit]] of [[God|the Lord]] is on me, because he has anointed me to proclaim [[good]] [[news]] to the [[poor]]. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the [[prisoners]] and recovery of [[sight]] for the [[blind]], to set the [[oppressed]] free, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor.]]
[[File:Cristo entra a gerusalemme, dall'oratorio di giovanni VII già in san pietro, 705-706.jpg|thumb|&quot;When saw we thee [[sick]], or in [[prison]], and came unto thee?&quot; Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my [[brethren]], ye have done it unto me.]]
[[File:Hoffman-ChristAndTheRichYoungRuler.jpg|thumb| For it is easier for a [[camel]] to go through a needle's [[eye]], than for a [[rich]] man to enter into the [[kingdom of God]].]]
[[File:Himmelfartsbillede i St. Petri Kirke (Hendrik Krock).JPG|thumb|I ascend unto my Father, and your Father; and to my God, and your God.]]
[[File:Die_Predigt_Christi.jpg|thumb|And this is [[eternal]] [[life]], that they might know thee the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom thou hast sent.]]
[[File:Annibale Carracci, Cristo e la Cananea, 1595, Parma.jpg|thumb|What is a man [[profited]], if he shall gain the whole [[world]], and lose his own [[soul]]?]]
[[File:Pencz Christ.jpg|thumb|Enter by the narrow [[gate]]; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to [[destruction]], and there are many who go in by it. Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to [[life]], and there are few who find it.]]
[[File:Brooklyn Museum - The Pharisees Question Jesus (Les pharisiens questionnent Jésus) - James Tissot.jpg|thumb|What is exalted among men is an abomination in the sight of [[God]].]]

== [[New Testament]] ==
{{main|New Testament}}
The sayings of Jesus as recorded in the [[New Testament]] have had a profound effect on human history and culture. The most often quoted English translation is the [[w:Authorized King James Version|Authorized King James Version]] (KJV), first published by the [[w:Church of England|Church of England]] in 1611.
:''Some of the most well-known quotes are in '''bold.'''''

=== [[Gospel of Matthew]] ===
[[File:William-Adolphe Bouguereau (1825-1905) - The Flagellation of Our Lord Jesus Christ (1880).jpg|thumb|I say unto you, [[Love]] your [[enemies]], [[bless]] them that [[curse]] you, do [[good]] to them that [[hate]] you, and [[pray]] for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; That ye may be the [[children]] of your [[Father]] which is in [[heaven]]: for he maketh his [[sun]] to rise on the [[evil]] and on the good, and sendeth [[rain]] on the [[just]] and on the unjust.]]
&lt;!-- include only statements ''by'' Jesus here that are not already included above, otherwise go to Gospel of [[Matthew]] --&gt;
====Chapters 1–4====
* Suffer it to be so now: for thus it becometh us to fulfil all righteousness.
**3:15 (KJV) Said to [[w:John the Baptist|John the Baptist]].

*It is written, '''Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God'''.
** 4:4 (KJV) Said to [[Satan]]. The reference is to Deuteronomy 8:3, &quot;... that he might make thee know that man doth not live by bread only, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of the Lord doth man live.&quot; (KJV)

*It is written again, '''Thou shalt not tempt the Lord thy God.'''
**4:7 (KJV) Said to Satan. The reference is to Deuteronomy 6:16, &quot;Ye shall not tempt the Lord your God, as ye tempted him in Massah.&quot; (KJV)

*'''Get thee hence, Satan''': for it is written, '''Thou shalt worship the Lord thy God, and him only shalt thou serve'''.
**4:10 (KJV) Said to Satan.

*'''Repent: for the [[w:Kingdom of God|kingdom of heaven]] is at hand.'''
**4:17 (KJV)

*'''Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.'''
**4:19 (KJV) Said to Peter and Andrew

====Chapters 5–7, the [[w:Sermon on the Mount|Sermon on the Mount]]====
* '''Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. &lt;br /&gt; Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. &lt;br /&gt; Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. &lt;br /&gt; Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. &lt;br /&gt; Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. &lt;br /&gt; Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. &lt;br /&gt; Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God. &lt;br /&gt; Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the [[w:Kingdom of God|kingdom of heaven]]. &lt;br /&gt; Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. &lt;br /&gt; Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.'''
** 5:1–12 (NIV) Often referred to as &quot;[[The Beatitudes]]&quot; this is the start of &quot;The [[w:Sermon on the Mount|Sermon on the Mount]]&quot;.

* You are the salt of the earth; but if the salt loses its flavor, how shall it be seasoned? It is then good for nothing but to be thrown out and trampled underfoot by men. You are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do they light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. '''Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.'''
**Matthew 5:13–16 (NIV) (See also: Mark 9:50; Luke 14:34, 35)

* But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment: and whosoever shall say to his brother, [[:wikt:raca|Raca]], shall be in danger of the council: but whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire.
** [[w:Matthew 5:22|5:22]], ''[[King James Version]]''.

* You have heard that it was said, &quot;Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.&quot; But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles.
**5:38–41 (NIV)

* You have heard that it was said to those of old, 'You shall not commit adultery.' '''But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.''' If your right eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell.
** Exodus 20:14, Seventh Commandment
**Matthew 5:27–30 (NKJV)

* Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy. But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.
**Matthew 5:43–45 (KJV)
&lt;!--* After this manner therefore pray ye: '''Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen.'''
** Matthew 6:9–13 (KJV) (see below)--&gt;

* '''Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them.'''
** Matthew 6:26 (NKJV)

* '''Keep on, then, seeking first the [[Kingdom of God|Kingdom]] and his [[righteousness]], and all these other things will be added to you.''' So never be anxious about the next day, for the next day will have its own anxieties. Each day has enough of its own troubles.
** ''[http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/matthew/6/ Matthew 6:33-34]'', [[New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures]]

* '''Judge not, that you be not judged.''' For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. '''And why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye?''' Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me remove the speck from your eye'; and look, a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.
**Matthew 7:1–5 (NKJV) (Also Luke 6:37–42)

* '''Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.''' For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.
**Matthew 7:7–8 (NKJV) (Also Luke 11:9–13)

*'''Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it. Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it.'''
**Matthew 7:13–14 (NKJV) (Also Luke 13:24)

* Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.
** Matthew 7:15 (KJV)

* Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them.
** Matthew 7:20 (KJV)

* Not everyone who says to Me, 'Lord, Lord,' shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in heaven. Many will say to Me in that day, 'Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in Your name, cast out demons in Your name, and done many wonders in Your name?' And then I will declare to them, 'I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness!'
**Matthew 7:21–23 (NKJV) (Also Luke 6:24; 13:26, 27)

* Therefore whoever hears these sayings of Mine, and does them, I will liken him to a wise man who built his house on the rock: and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it did not fall, for it was founded on the rock.
* But everyone who hears these sayings of Mine, and does not do them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand: and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it fell. And great was its fall.
**Matthew 7:24–27 (NKJV) (Also Luke 6:47–49)

====Chapters 8–12====
*See thou tell no man; but go thy way, shew thyself to the priest, and offer the gift that Moses commanded, for a testimony unto them.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 8:4] (KJV) Said to a man cured of leprosy.

*I will come and heal him.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 8:7] (KJV) Said to a Roman officer.

*Verily I say unto you, I have not found so great faith, no, not in Israel. And I say unto you, That many shall come from the east and west, and shall sit down with Abraham, and Isaac, and Jacob, in the kingdom of heaven. But the children of the kingdom shall be cast out into outer darkness: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 8:10–12] (KJV) Said about the officer.

*'''Go thy way; and as thou hast believed, so be it done unto thee.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 8:13] (KJV) Said to the officer.

*'''The [[fox]]es have holes, and the birds of the air have nests; but the Son of man hath not where to lay his head'''.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 8:20] (KJV)

*'''Follow me; and let the dead bury their dead.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 8:22] (KJV)

*Why are ye fearful, '''O ye of little faith'''?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 8:26] (KJV)

*Go.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 8:32] (KJV) Said to devils which were possessing a man.

*Son, be of good cheer; thy sins be forgiven thee.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 9:2] (KJV) Said to a man sick of the palsy.

*Wherefore think ye evil in your hearts? For whether is easier, to say, Thy sins be forgiven thee; or to say, Arise, and walk? But that ye may know that the Son of man hath power on earth to forgive sins, (then saith he to the sick of the palsy,) Arise, take up thy bed, and go unto thine house.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 9:4–6] (KJV) Said to some scribes.

*Follow me.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 9:9] (KJV) Said to Matthew.

*'''They that be whole need not a physician, but they that are sick'''. But go ye and learn what that meaneth, I will have mercy, and not sacrifice: for I am not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 9:12–13] (KJV)

*Can the children of the bridechamber mourn, as long as the bridegroom is with them? but the days will come, when the bridegroom shall be taken from them, and then shall they fast. '''No man putteth a piece of new cloth unto an old garment, for that which is put in to fill it up taketh from the garment, and the rent is made worse. Neither do men put new wine into old bottles: else the bottles break, and the wine runneth out, and the bottles perish: but they put new wine into new bottles, and both are preserved'''.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 9:15–17] (KJV)

* Daughter, be of good comfort; thy faith hath made thee whole.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 9:22] (KJV) Said to a woman, diseased with an issue of blood, who touched the hem of his garment.

* Give place: for the maid is not dead, but sleepeth.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 9:24] (KJV) Said about a girl thought to be dead.

* Believe ye that I am able to do this?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 9:28] (KJV) Said to two blind men.

* According to your faith be it unto you.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 9:29] (KJV) Said to the two blind men.

* See that no man know it.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 9:30] (KJV) Said to the two blind men.

* '''The harvest truly is plenteous, but the labourers are few; Pray ye therefore the Lord of the harvest, that he will send forth labourers into his harvest'''.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 9:37–38] (KJV)

*Brother will betray brother to death, and a father his child. Children will even rise up against their parents and have them put to death.
** [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2010:21;&amp;version=77; 10:21] (HCSB) Said to his disciples.

*Go not into the way of the Gentiles, and into any city of the Samaritans enter ye not: But go rather to the lost sheep of the house of Israel. And as ye go, preach, saying, The kingdom of heaven is at hand. Heal the sick, cleanse the lepers, raise the dead, cast out devils: freely ye have received, freely give. Provide neither gold, nor silver, nor brass in your purses, Nor scrip for your journey, neither two coats, neither shoes, nor yet staves: for the workman is worthy of his meat. And into whatsoever city or town ye shall enter, inquire who in it is worthy; and there abide till ye go thence. And when ye come into an house, salute it. And if the house be worthy, let your peace come upon it: but if it be not worthy, let your peace return to you. And whosoever shall not receive you, nor hear your words, when ye depart out of that house or city, shake off the dust of your feet. Verily I say unto you, It shall be more tolerable for the land of Sodom and Gomorrha in the day of judgment, than for that city. Behold, '''I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves'''. But beware of men: for they will deliver you up to the councils, and they will scourge you in their synagogues; And ye shall be brought before governors and kings for my sake, for a testimony against them and the Gentiles. '''But when they deliver you up, take no thought how or what ye shall speak: for it shall be given you in that same hour what ye shall speak. For it is not ye that speak, but the Spirit of your Father which speaketh in you. And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death. And ye shall be hated of all men for my name's sake: but he that endureth to the end shall be saved'''. But when they persecute you in this city, flee ye into another: for verily I say unto you, Ye shall not have gone over the cities of Israel, till the Son of man be come. The disciple is not above his master, nor the servant above his lord. It is enough for the disciple that he be as his master, and the servant as his lord. If they have called the master of the house Beelzebub, how much more shall they call them of his household? Fear them not therefore: for there is nothing covered, that shall not be revealed; and hid, that shall not be known. What I tell you in darkness, that speak ye in light: and what ye hear in the ear, that preach ye upon the housetops. '''And fear not them which kill the body, but are not able to kill the soul: but rather fear him which is able to destroy both soul and body in hell. Are not two sparrows sold for a farthing? and one of them shall not fall on the ground without your Father. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear ye not therefore, ye are of more value than many sparrows. Whosoever therefore shall confess me before men, him will I confess also before my Father which is in heaven. But whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my Father which is in heaven. Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword. For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. And a man's foes shall be they of his own household. He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me. He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it.''' He that receiveth you receiveth me, and he that receiveth me receiveth him that sent me. He that receiveth a prophet in the name of a prophet shall receive a prophet's reward; and he that receiveth a righteous man in the name of a righteous man shall receive a righteous man's reward. And whosoever shall give to drink unto one of these little ones a cup of cold water only in the name of a disciple, verily I say unto you, he shall in no wise lose his reward.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 10:5–42] (KJV) Said to his disciples.

* For I came to cause division, with a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. 36 Indeed, a man’s enemies will be those of his own household.
** [http://wol.jw.org/en/wol/b/r1/lp-e/nwt/E/2013/40/10#h=84:318-84:467 10:35,36], [[New World Translation]]

*Go and shew John again those things which ye do hear and see: The blind receive their sight, and the lame walk, the lepers are cleansed, and the deaf hear, the dead are raised up, and the poor have the gospel preached to them. And blessed is he, whosoever shall not be offended in me.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 11:4–6] (KJV)

*What went ye out into the wilderness to see? A reed shaken with the wind? But what went ye out for to see? A man clothed in soft raiment? behold, they that wear soft clothing are in kings' houses. But what went ye out for to see? A prophet? yea, I say unto you, and more than a prophet. For this is he, of whom it is written, Behold, I send my messenger before thy face, which shall prepare thy way before thee. Verily I say unto you, Among them that are born of women there hath not risen a greater than John the Baptist: notwithstanding he that is least in the kingdom of heaven is greater than he. And from the days of John the Baptist until now the kingdom of heaven suffereth violence, and the violent take it by force. For all the prophets and the law prophesied until John. And if ye will receive it, this is Elias, which was for to come. He that hath ears to hear, let him hear. But whereunto shall I liken this generation? It is like unto children sitting in the markets, and calling unto their fellows, And saying, We have piped unto you, and ye have not danced; we have mourned unto you, and ye have not lamented. For John came neither eating nor drinking, and they say, He hath a devil. The Son of man came eating and drinking, and they say, Behold a man gluttonous, and a winebibber, a friend of publicans and sinners. But wisdom is justified of her children.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 11:7–19] (KJV)

*Woe unto thee, Chorazin! woe unto thee, Bethsaida! for if the mighty works, which were done in you, had been done in Tyre and Sidon, they would have repented long ago in sackcloth and ashes. But I say unto you, It shall be more tolerable for Tyre and Sidon at the day of judgment, than for you. And thou, Capernaum, which art exalted unto heaven, shalt be brought down to hell: for if the mighty works, which have been done in thee, had been done in Sodom, it would have remained until this day. But I say unto you, That it shall be more tolerable for the land of Sodom in the day of judgment, than for thee.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 11:21–24] (KJV)

*I thank thee, O Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because thou hast hid these things from the wise and prudent, and hast revealed them unto babes. Even so, Father: for so it seemed good in thy sight. All things are delivered unto me of my Father: and no man knoweth the Son, but the Father; neither knoweth any man the Father, save the Son, and he to whomsoever the Son will reveal him. '''Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 11:25–30] (KJV)

*Have ye not read what David did, when he was an hungred, and they that were with him; How he entered into the house of God, and did eat the shewbread, which was not lawful for him to eat, neither for them which were with him, but only for the priests? Or have ye not read in the law, how that on the sabbath days the priests in the temple profane the sabbath, and are blameless? But I say unto you, That in this place is one greater than the temple. But if ye had known what this meaneth, I will have mercy, and not sacrifice, ye would not have condemned the guiltless. For the Son of man is Lord even of the sabbath day.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 12:3–8] (KJV) Said to some Pharisees.

*What man shall there be among you, that shall have one sheep, and if it fall into a pit on the sabbath day, will he not lay hold on it, and lift it out? How much then is a man better than a sheep? Wherefore it is lawful to do well on the sabbath days.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 12:11–12] (KJV) Said to the Pharisees.

*Stretch forth thine hand.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 12:13] (KJV) Said to a man with a withered hand.

*'''Every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation; and every city or house divided against itself shall not stand: And if Satan cast out Satan, he is divided against himself; how shall then his kingdom stand?''' And if I by Beelzebub cast out devils, by whom do your children cast them out? therefore they shall be your judges. But if I cast out devils by the Spirit of God, then the kingdom of God is come unto you. Or else how can one enter into a strong man's house, and spoil his goods, except he first bind the strong man? and then he will spoil his house. He that is not with me is against me; and he that gathereth not with me scattereth abroad. Wherefore I say unto you, '''All manner of sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven unto men: but the blasphemy against the Holy Ghost shall not be forgiven unto men. And whosoever speaketh a word against the Son of man, it shall be forgiven him: but whosoever speaketh against the Holy Ghost, it shall not be forgiven him, neither in this world, neither in the world to come'''. Either make the tree good, and his fruit good; or else make the tree corrupt, and his fruit corrupt: for the tree is known by his fruit. O generation of vipers, how can ye, being evil, speak good things? for out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh. A good man out of the good treasure of the heart bringeth forth good things: and an evil man out of the evil treasure bringeth forth evil things. But I say unto you, That every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment. For by thy words thou shalt be justified, and by thy words thou shalt be condemned.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 12:25–37] (KJV)

Variant:

* He that is not on my side is against me, and he that does not gather with me scatters.
** 12:30, [[New World Translation]]

*An evil and adulterous generation seeketh after a sign; and there shall no sign be given to it, but the sign of the prophet Jonas: For as Jonas was three days and three nights in the whale's belly; so shall the Son of man be three days and three nights in the heart of the earth. The men of Nineveh shall rise in judgment with this generation, and shall condemn it: because they repented at the preaching of Jonas; and, behold, a greater than Jonas is here. The queen of the south shall rise up in the judgment with this generation, and shall condemn it: for she came from the uttermost parts of the earth to hear the wisdom of Solomon; and, behold, a greater than Solomon is here. When the unclean spirit is gone out of a man, he walketh through dry places, seeking rest, and findeth none. Then he saith, I will return into my house from whence I came out; and when he is come, he findeth it empty, swept, and garnished. Then goeth he, and taketh with himself seven other spirits more wicked than himself, and they enter in and dwell there: and the last state of that man is worse than the first. Even so shall it be also unto this wicked generation.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 12:39–45] (KJV)

*'''Who is my mother? and who are my brethren? And he stretched forth his hand toward his disciples, and said, Behold my mother and my brethren! For whosoever shall do the will of my Father which is in heaven, the same is my brother, and sister, and mother.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 12:48–50] (KJV)

====Chapters 13–16====
*Behold, a sower went forth to sow; And when he sowed, some seeds fell by the way side, and the fowls came and devoured them up: Some fell upon stony places, where they had not much earth: and forthwith they sprung up, because they had no deepness of earth: And when the sun was up, they were scorched; and because they had no root, they withered away. And some fell among thorns; and the thorns sprung up, and choked them: But other fell into good ground, and brought forth fruit, some an hundredfold, some sixtyfold, some thirtyfold. Who hath ears to hear, let him hear.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 13:3–9] (KJV)

*Because it is given unto you to know the mysteries of the kingdom of heaven, but to them it is not given. For whosoever hath, to him shall be given, and he shall have more abundance: but whosoever hath not, from him shall be taken away even that he hath. Therefore speak I to them in parables: because they seeing see not; and hearing they hear not, neither do they understand. And in them is fulfilled the prophecy of Esaias, which saith, By hearing ye shall hear, and shall not understand; and seeing ye shall see, and shall not perceive: For this people's heart is waxed gross, and their ears are dull of hearing, and their eyes they have closed; lest at any time they should see with their eyes, and hear with their ears, and should understand with their heart, and should be converted, and I should heal them. But blessed are your eyes, for they see: and your ears, for they hear. For verily I say unto you, That many prophets and righteous men have desired to see those things which ye see, and have not seen them; and to hear those things which ye hear, and have not heard them. Hear ye therefore the parable of the sower. When any one heareth the word of the kingdom, and understandeth it not, then cometh the wicked one, and catcheth away that which was sown in his heart. This is he which received seed by the way side. But he that received the seed into stony places, the same is he that heareth the word, and anon with joy receiveth it; Yet hath he not root in himself, but dureth for a while: for when tribulation or persecution ariseth because of the word, by and by he is offended. He also that received seed among the thorns is he that heareth the word; and the care of this world, and the deceitfulness of riches, choke the word, and he becometh unfruitful. But he that received seed into the good ground is he that heareth the word, and understandeth it; which also beareth fruit, and bringeth forth, some an hundredfold, some sixty, some thirty.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 13:11–23] (KJV) Said to his disciples when they asked why he spoke in parables.

*Another parable put he forth unto them, saying, The kingdom of heaven is likened unto a man which sowed good seed in his field: But while men slept, his enemy came and sowed tares among the wheat, and went his way. But when the blade was sprung up, and brought forth fruit, then appeared the tares also. So the servants of the householder came and said unto him, Sir, didst not thou sow good seed in thy field? from whence then hath it tares? He said unto them, An enemy hath done this. The servants said unto him, Wilt thou then that we go and gather them up? But he said, Nay; lest while ye gather up the tares, ye root up also the wheat with them. Let both grow together until the harvest: and in the time of harvest I will say to the reapers, Gather ye together first the tares, and bind them in bundles to burn them: but gather the wheat into my barn.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 13:24–30] (KJV)

*The kingdom of heaven is like to a grain of mustard seed, which a man took, and sowed in his field: Which indeed is the least of all seeds: but when it is grown, it is the greatest among herbs, and becometh a tree, so that the birds of the air come and lodge in the branches thereof.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 13:31–32] (KJV)

*The kingdom of heaven is like unto leaven, which a woman took, and hid in three measures of meal, till the whole was leavened.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 13:33] (KJV)

* He that soweth the good seed is the Son of man; The field is the world; the good seed are the children of the kingdom; but the tares are the children of the wicked one; The enemy that sowed them is the devil; the harvest is the end of the world; and the reapers are the angels. As therefore the tares are gathered and burned in the fire; so shall it be in the end of this world. The Son of man shall send forth his angels, and they shall gather out of his kingdom all things that offend, and them which do iniquity; And shall cast them into a furnace of fire: there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth. Then shall the righteous shine forth as the sun in the kingdom of their Father. '''Who hath ears to hear, let him hear.''' Again, the kingdom of heaven is like unto treasure hid in a field; the which when a man hath found, he hideth, and for joy thereof goeth and selleth all that he hath, and buyeth that field. '''Again, the kingdom of heaven is like unto a merchant man, seeking goodly pearls: Who, when he had found one pearl of great price, went and sold all that he had, and bought it.''' Again, the kingdom of heaven is like unto a net, that was cast into the sea, and gathered of every kind: Which, when it was full, they drew to shore, and sat down, and gathered the good into vessels, but cast the bad away. So shall it be at the end of the world: the angels shall come forth, and sever the wicked from among the just, And shall cast them into the furnace of fire: there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 13:37–50] (KJV)

*Have ye understood all these things?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 13:51] (KJV)

*Therefore every scribe which is instructed unto the kingdom of heaven is like unto a man that is an householder, which bringeth forth out of his treasure things new and old.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 13:52] (KJV)

*'''A prophet is not without honour, save in his own country, and in his own house.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 13:57] (KJV)

*They need not depart; give ye them to eat.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 14:16] (KJV)

*Bring them hither to me.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 14:18] (KJV) Said about the '''loaves and fishes'''.

*Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 14:27] (KJV)

*Come.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 14:29] (KJV) Said to Peter.

*'''O thou of little faith''', wherefore didst thou doubt?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 14:31] (KJV) Said to Peter after Peter failed to '''walk on water.'''

*Why do ye also transgress the commandment of God by your tradition? For God commanded, saying, Honour thy father and mother: and, He that curseth father or mother, let him die the death. But ye say, Whosoever shall say to his father or his mother, It is a gift, by whatsoever thou mightest be profited by me; And honour not his father or his mother, he shall be free. Thus have ye made the commandment of God of none effect by your tradition. Ye hypocrites, well did Esaias prophesy of you, saying, This people draweth nigh unto me with their mouth, and honoureth me with their lips; but their heart is far from me. But in vain they do worship me, teaching for doctrines the commandments of men.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 15:3–9] (KJV)

*Hear, and understand: Not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a man; but that which cometh out of the mouth, this defileth a man.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 15:10–11] (KJV)

*Every plant, which my heavenly Father hath not planted, shall be rooted up. '''Let them alone: they be blind leaders of the blind. And if the blind lead the blind, both shall fall into the ditch'''.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 15:13–14] (KJV)

*Are ye also yet without understanding? Do not ye yet understand, that whatsoever entereth in at the mouth goeth into the belly, and is cast out into the draught? But those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart; and they defile the man. For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies: These are the things which defile a man: but to eat with unwashen hands defileth not a man.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 15:16–20] (KJV)

*I am not sent but unto the lost sheep of the house of Israel.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 15:24] (KJV)

*It is not meet to take the children's bread, and to cast it to dogs.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 15:26] (KJV)

*O woman, great is thy faith: be it unto thee even as thou wilt.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 15:28] (KJV)

*I have compassion on the multitude, because they continue with me now three days, and have nothing to eat: and I will not send them away fasting, lest they faint in the way.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 15:32] (KJV)

*How many loaves have ye?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 15:34] (KJV)

*When it is evening, ye say, It will be fair weather: for the sky is red. And in the morning, It will be foul weather to day: for the sky is red and lowring. '''O ye hypocrites, ye can discern the face of the sky; but can ye not discern the signs of the times? A wicked and adulterous generation seeketh after a sign; and there shall no sign be given unto it, but the sign of the prophet Jonas.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 16:2–4] (KJV)

*Take heed and beware of the leaven of the Pharisees and of the Sadducees.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 16:6] (KJV)

*'''O ye of little faith''', why reason ye among yourselves, because ye have brought no bread? Do ye not yet understand, neither remember the five loaves of the five thousand, and how many baskets ye took up? Neither the seven loaves of the four thousand, and how many baskets ye took up? How is it that ye do not understand that I spake it not to you concerning bread, that ye should beware of the leaven of the Pharisees and of the Sadducees?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 16:8–11] (KJV)

*''' Whom do men say that I the Son of man am?'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 16:13] (KJV)

*'''But whom say ye that I am?'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 16:15] (KJV)

*'''Blessed art thou, Simon Barjona: for flesh and blood hath not revealed it unto thee, but my Father which is in heaven. And I say also unto thee, That thou art Peter, and upon this rock I will build my church; and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it. And I will give unto thee the keys of the kingdom of heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 16:17–19] (KJV)

*'''Get thee behind me, Satan''': thou art an offence unto me: for thou savourest not the things that be of God, but those that be of men.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 16:23] (KJV)

*'''If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it. For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul?''' For the Son of man shall come in the glory of his Father with his angels; and then he shall reward every man according to his works. Verily I say unto you, There be some standing here, which shall not taste of death, till they see the Son of man coming in his kingdom.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 16:24–28] (KJV)

====Chapters 17-19====
*Arise, and be not afraid.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 17:7] (KJV)

*Tell the vision to no man, until the Son of man be risen again from the dead.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 17:9] (KJV)

*[[w:Elijah|Elias]] truly shall first come, and restore all things. But I say unto you, That Elias is come already, and they knew him not, but have done unto him whatsoever they listed. Likewise shall also the Son of man suffer of them.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 17:11–12] (KJV)

* O faithless and perverse generation, how long shall I be with you? how long shall I suffer you? bring him hither to me.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 17:17] (KJV)

*Because of your unbelief: for verily I say unto you, '''If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you.''' Howbeit this kind goeth not out but by prayer and fasting.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 17:20–21] (KJV)

*'''The Son of man shall be betrayed into the hands of men: And they shall kill him, and the third day he shall be raised again.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 17:22–23] (KJV)

*What thinkest thou, Simon? of whom do the kings of the earth take custom or tribute? of their own children, or of strangers?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 17:25] (KJV)

*Then are the children free. Notwithstanding, lest we should offend them, go thou to the sea, and cast an hook, and take up the fish that first cometh up; and when thou hast opened his mouth, thou shalt find a piece of money: that take, and give unto them for me and thee.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 17:26–27] (KJV)

[[File:StJohnsAshfield StainedGlass JesusAndChildren.jpg|thumb|''become as little children'' [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 18:3–20]&lt;br/&gt;''suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me'' [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 19:14] (KJV)]]
*Verily I say unto you, '''Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven. Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoso shall receive one such little child in my name receiveth me. But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.''' Woe unto the world because of offences! for it must needs be that offences come; but woe to that man by whom the offence cometh! '''Wherefore if thy hand or thy foot offend thee, cut them off, and cast them from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life halt or maimed, rather than having two hands or two feet to be cast into everlasting fire. And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life with one eye, rather than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire.''' Take heed that ye despise not one of these little ones; for I say unto you, That in heaven their angels do always behold the face of my Father which is in heaven. '''For the Son of man is come to save that which was lost.''' How think ye? if a man have an hundred sheep, and one of them be gone astray, doth he not leave the ninety and nine, and goeth into the mountains, and seeketh that which is gone astray? And if so be that he find it, verily I say unto you, he rejoiceth more of that sheep, than of the ninety and nine which went not astray. Even so it is not the will of your Father which is in heaven, that one of these little ones should perish. Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican. Verily I say unto you, Whatsoever ye shall bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever ye shall loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven. Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven. '''For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 18:3–20] (KJV)

*[T]he kingdom of heaven can be compared to a king who wanted to settle accounts with his slaves.
**[http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2018:23;&amp;version=77; 18:23]

*I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven. Therefore is the kingdom of heaven likened unto a certain king, which would take account of his servants. And when he had begun to reckon, one was brought unto him, which owed him ten thousand talents. But forasmuch as he had not to pay, his lord commanded him to be sold, and his wife, and children, and all that he had, and payment to be made. The servant therefore fell down, and worshipped him, saying, Lord, have patience with me, and I will pay thee all. Then the lord of that servant was moved with compassion, and loosed him, and forgave him the debt. But the same servant went out, and found one of his fellowservants, which owed him an hundred pence: and he laid hands on him, and took him by the throat, saying, Pay me that thou owest. And his fellowservant fell down at his feet, and besought him, saying, Have patience with me, and I will pay thee all. And he would not: but went and cast him into prison, till he should pay the debt. So when his fellowservants saw what was done, they were very sorry, and came and told unto their lord all that was done. Then his lord, after that he had called him, said unto him, O thou wicked servant, I forgave thee all that debt, because thou desiredst me: Shouldest not thou also have had compassion on thy fellowservant, even as I had pity on thee? And his lord was wroth, and delivered him to the tormentors, till he should pay all that was due unto him. So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 18:22–35] (KJV)

*[H]is master was angry, and delivered him to the torturers until he should pay all that was due to him. &quot;So My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother his trespasses.&quot;
**[http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2018:34-35;&amp;version=50; 18:34–35]

*Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. '''What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 19:4–6] (KJV)

*[[w:Moses|Moses]] because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so. And I say unto you, '''Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery'''.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 19:8–9] (KJV)

*All men cannot receive this saying, save they to whom it is given. For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother's womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 19:11–12] (KJV)

*'''Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 19:14] (KJV)

*Why callest thou me good? there is none good but one, that is, God: but if thou wilt enter into life, keep the commandments.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 19:17] (KJV)

*Thou shalt do no murder, Thou shalt not commit adultery, Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not bear false witness, Honour thy father and thy mother: and, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 19:18–19] (KJV)

*'''If thou wilt be perfect, go and sell that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come and follow me.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 19:21] (KJV)

*Verily I say unto you, '''That a rich man shall hardly enter into the kingdom of heaven.''' And again I say unto you, '''It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 19:23–24] (KJV)

*'''With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 19:26] (KJV)

*Verily I say unto you, That ye which have followed me, in the [[Regeneration (theology)|regeneration]] when the Son of man shall sit in the throne of his glory, ye also shall sit upon twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel. And every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name's sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life. '''But many that are first shall be last; and the last shall be first.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 19:28–30] (KJV)

*[E]veryone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life.
** [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2019:29;&amp;version=31; 19:29]

====Chapters 20–24====
*For the kingdom of heaven is like unto a man that is an householder, which went out early in the morning to hire labourers into his vineyard. And when he had agreed with the labourers for a penny a day, he sent them into his vineyard. And he went out about the third hour, and saw others standing idle in the marketplace, And said unto them; Go ye also into the vineyard, and whatsoever is right I will give you. And they went their way. Again he went out about the sixth and ninth hour, and did likewise. And about the eleventh hour he went out, and found others standing idle, and saith unto them, Why stand ye here all the day idle? They say unto him, Because no man hath hired us. He saith unto them, Go ye also into the vineyard; and whatsoever is right, that shall ye receive. So when even was come, the lord of the vineyard saith unto his steward, Call the labourers, and give them their hire, beginning from the last unto the first. And when they came that were hired about the eleventh hour, they received every man a penny. But when the first came, they supposed that they should have received more; and they likewise received every man a penny. And when they had received it, they murmured against the goodman of the house, Saying, These last have wrought but one hour, and thou hast made them equal unto us, which have borne the burden and heat of the day. But he answered one of them, and said, Friend, I do thee no wrong: didst not thou agree with me for a penny? Take that thine is, and go thy way: I will give unto this last, even as unto thee. Is it not lawful for me to do what I will with mine own? Is thine eye evil, because I am good? '''So the last shall be first, and the first last: for many be called, but few chosen.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 20:1–16] (KJV)

*'''Behold, we go up to Jerusalem; and the Son of man shall be betrayed unto the chief priests and unto the scribes, and they shall condemn him to death, And shall deliver him to the Gentiles to mock, and to scourge, and to crucify him: and the third day he shall rise again.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 20:18–19] (KJV)

*What wilt thou?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 20:21] (KJV) Asked of the mother of the sons of Zebedee, who answered that she wanted one son to sit on Jesus's left hand and one on his right.

*Ye know not what ye ask. Are ye able to drink of the cup that I shall drink of, and to be baptized with the baptism that I am baptized with?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 20:22] (KJV)

* Ye shall drink indeed of my cup, and be baptized with the baptism that I am baptized with: but to sit on my right hand, and on my left, is not mine to give, but it shall be given to them for whom it is prepared of my Father.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 20:23] (KJV)

*Ye know that the princes of the Gentiles exercise dominion over them, and they that are great exercise authority upon them. But it shall not be so among you: but '''whosoever will be great among you, let him be your minister; And whosoever will be chief among you, let him be your servant: Even as the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 20:25–28] (KJV)

*What will ye that I shall do unto you?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 20:32] (KJV) Asked of two blind men.

*Go into the village over against you, and straightway ye shall find an ass tied, and a colt with her: loose them, and bring them unto me. And if any man say ought unto you, ye shall say, The Lord hath need of them; and straightway he will send them. All this was done, that it might be fulfilled which was spoken by the prophet, saying, Tell ye the daughter of Sion, Behold, thy King cometh unto thee, meek, and sitting upon an ass, and a colt the foal of an ass.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 21:2–5] (KJV)

*'''It is written, My house shall be called the house of prayer; but ye have made it a den of thieves.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 21:13] (KJV)

*Yea; have ye never read, '''Out of the mouth of babes and sucklings thou hast perfected praise?'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 21:16] (KJV)

*Let no fruit grow on thee henceforward for ever.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 21:19] (KJV) Said to a fig tree.

*Verily I say unto you, '''If ye have faith, and doubt not, ye shall not only do this which is done to the fig tree, but also if ye shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; it shall be done.
[22] And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 21:21–22] (KJV)

*I also will ask you one thing, which if ye tell me, I in like wise will tell you by what authority I do these things. The baptism of John, whence was it? from heaven, or of men?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 21:24–25] (KJV)

* Neither tell I you by what authority I do these things. But what think ye? A certain man had two sons; and he came to the first, and said, Son, go work to day in my vineyard. He answered and said, I will not: but afterward he repented, and went. And he came to the second, and said likewise. And he answered and said, I go, sir: and went not. Whether of them twain did the will of his father? They say unto him, The first. Jesus saith unto them, Verily I say unto you, '''That the publicans and the harlots go into the kingdom of God before you.''' For John came unto you in the way of righteousness, and ye believed him not: but the publicans and the harlots believed him: and ye, when ye had seen it, repented not afterward, that ye might believe him. Hear another parable: There was a certain householder, which planted a vineyard, and hedged it round about, and digged a winepress in it, and built a tower, and let it out to husbandmen, and went into a far country: And when the time of the fruit drew near, he sent his servants to the husbandmen, that they might receive the fruits of it. And the husbandmen took his servants, and beat one, and killed another, and stoned another. Again, he sent other servants more than the first: and they did unto them likewise. But last of all he sent unto them his son, saying, They will reverence my son. But when the husbandmen saw the son, they said among themselves, This is the heir; come, let us kill him, and let us seize on his inheritance. And they caught him, and cast him out of the vineyard, and slew him. When the lord therefore of the vineyard cometh, what will he do unto those husbandmen?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 21:27–40] (KJV)

*Did ye never read in the scriptures, '''The stone which the builders rejected, the same is become the head of the corner: this is the Lord's doing, and it is marvellous in our eyes?''' Therefore say I unto you, '''The kingdom of God shall be taken from you, and given to a nation bringing forth the fruits thereof.''' And whosoever shall fall on this stone shall be broken: but on whomsoever it shall fall, it will grind him to powder.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 21:27–42 and 44] (KJV)

* The kingdom of heaven is like unto a certain king, which made a marriage for his son, And sent forth his servants to call them that were bidden to the wedding: and they would not come. Again, he sent forth other servants, saying, Tell them which are bidden, Behold, I have prepared my dinner: my oxen and my fatlings are killed, and all things are ready: come unto the marriage. But they made light of it, and went their ways, one to his farm, another to his merchandise: And the remnant took his servants, and entreated them spitefully, and slew them. But when the king heard thereof, he was wroth: and he sent forth his armies, and destroyed those murderers, and burned up their city. Then saith he to his servants, The wedding is ready, but they which were bidden were not worthy. Go ye therefore into the highways, and as many as ye shall find, bid to the marriage. So those servants went out into the highways, and gathered together all as many as they found, both bad and good: and the wedding was furnished with guests. And when the king came in to see the guests, he saw there a man which had not on a wedding garment: And he saith unto him, Friend, how camest thou in hither not having a wedding garment? And he was speechless. Then said the king to the servants, Bind him hand and foot, and take him away, and cast him into outer darkness; there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth. '''For many are called, but few are chosen'''.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 22:2–14] (KJV)

*Why tempt ye me, ye hypocrites? Shew me the tribute money.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 22:18–19] (KJV)

*Whose is this image and superscription?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 22:20] (KJV)

*'''Render therefore unto Caesar the things which are Caesar's; and unto God the things that are God's.'''

**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 22:21] (KJV)

*Ye do err, not knowing the scriptures, nor the power of God. For in the resurrection they neither marry, nor are given in marriage, but are as the angels of God in heaven. But as touching the resurrection of the dead, have ye not read that which was spoken unto you by God, saying, I am the God of Abraham, and the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob? God is not the God of the dead, but of the living.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 22:29–32] (KJV)

*'''Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 22:37–40] (KJV)

*What think ye of Christ? whose son is he?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 22:42] (KJV)

*How then doth David in spirit call him Lord, saying, The LORD said unto my Lord, Sit thou on my right hand, till I make thine enemies thy footstool? If David then call him Lord, how is he his son?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 22:43–45] (KJV)

*The scribes and the Pharisees sit in Moses' seat: All therefore whatsoever they bid you observe, that observe and do; but do not ye after their works: for they say, and do not. For they bind heavy burdens and grievous to be borne, and lay them on men's shoulders; but they themselves will not move them with one of their fingers. But all their works they do for to be seen of men: they make broad their phylacteries, and enlarge the borders of their garments, And love the uppermost rooms at feasts, and the chief seats in the synagogues, And greetings in the markets, and to be called of men, Rabbi, Rabbi. But be not ye called Rabbi: for one is your Master, even Christ; and all ye are brethren. And call no man your father upon the earth: for one is your Father, which is in heaven. Neither be ye called masters: for one is your Master, even Christ. '''But he that is greatest among you shall be your servant. And whosoever shall exalt himself shall be abased; and he that shall humble himself shall be exalted.''' But woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye shut up the kingdom of heaven against men: for ye neither go in yourselves, neither suffer ye them that are entering to go in. Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye devour widows' houses, and for a pretence make long prayer: therefore ye shall receive the greater damnation. Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye compass sea and land to make one proselyte, and when he is made, ye make him twofold more the child of hell than yourselves. Woe unto you, ye blind guides, which say, Whosoever shall swear by the temple, it is nothing; but whosoever shall swear by the gold of the temple, he is a debtor! Ye fools and blind: for whether is greater, the gold, or the temple that sanctifieth the gold? And, Whosoever shall swear by the altar, it is nothing; but whosoever sweareth by the gift that is upon it, he is guilty. Ye fools and blind: for whether is greater, the gift, or the altar that sanctifieth the gift? Whoso therefore shall swear by the altar, sweareth by it, and by all things thereon. And whoso shall swear by the temple, sweareth by it, and by him that dwelleth therein. And he that shall swear by heaven, sweareth by the throne of God, and by him that sitteth thereon. Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye pay tithe of mint and anise and cummin, and have omitted the weightier matters of the law, judgment, mercy, and faith: these ought ye to have done, and not to leave the other undone. Ye blind guides, which strain at a gnat, and swallow a camel. Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye make clean the outside of the cup and of the platter, but within they are full of extortion and excess. Thou blind Pharisee, cleanse first that which is within the cup and platter, that the outside of them may be clean also. Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye are like unto whited sepulchres, which indeed appear beautiful outward, but are within full of dead men's bones, and of all uncleanness. Even so ye also outwardly appear righteous unto men, but within ye are full of hypocrisy and iniquity. Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! because ye build the tombs of the prophets, and garnish the sepulchres of the righteous, And say, If we had been in the days of our fathers, we would not have been partakers with them in the blood of the prophets. Wherefore ye be witnesses unto yourselves, that ye are the children of them which killed the prophets. Fill ye up then the measure of your fathers. '''Ye serpents, ye generation of vipers, how can ye escape the damnation of hell?''' Wherefore, behold, I send unto you prophets, and wise men, and scribes: and some of them ye shall kill and crucify; and some of them shall ye scourge in your synagogues, and persecute them from city to city: That upon you may come all the righteous blood shed upon the earth, from the blood of righteous Abel unto the blood of Zacharias son of Barachias, whom ye slew between the temple and the altar. Verily I say unto you, All these things shall come upon this generation. O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, thou that killest the prophets, and stonest them which are sent unto thee, how often would I have gathered thy children together, even as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings, and ye would not! Behold, your house is left unto you desolate. For I say unto you, Ye shall not see me henceforth, till ye shall say, Blessed is he that cometh in the name of the Lord.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 23:2–39] (KJV)

* See ye not all these things? verily I say unto you, '''There shall not be left here one stone upon another, that shall not be thrown down.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 24:2] (KJV)

*'''Take heed that no man deceive you. For many shall come in my name, saying, I am Christ; and shall deceive many. And ye shall hear of wars and rumours of wars: see that ye be not troubled: for all these things must come to pass, but the end is not yet. For nation shall rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom: and there shall be famines, and pestilences, and earthquakes, in divers places. All these are the beginning of sorrows. Then shall they deliver you up to be afflicted, and shall kill you: and ye shall be hated of all nations for my name's sake. And then shall many be offended, and shall betray one another, and shall hate one another. And many false prophets shall rise, and shall deceive many. And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold. But he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved. And this gospel of the kingdom shall be preached in all the world for a witness unto all nations; and then shall the end come.''' When ye therefore shall see the abomination of desolation, spoken of by Daniel the prophet, stand in the holy place, (whoso readeth, let him understand:) Then let them which be in Judaea flee into the mountains: Let him which is on the housetop not come down to take any thing out of his house: Neither let him which is in the field return back to take his clothes. And woe unto them that are with child, and to them that give suck in those days! But pray ye that your flight be not in the winter, neither on the sabbath day: For then shall be great tribulation, such as was not since the beginning of the world to this time, no, nor ever shall be. And except those days should be shortened, there should no flesh be saved: but for the elect's sake those days shall be shortened. '''Then if any man shall say unto you, Lo, here is Christ, or there; believe it not. For there shall arise false Christs, and false prophets, and shall shew great signs and wonders; insomuch that, if it were possible, they shall deceive the very elect. Behold, I have told you before. Wherefore if they shall say unto you, Behold, he is in the desert; go not forth: behold, he is in the secret chambers; believe it not. For as the lightning cometh out of the east, and shineth even unto the west; so shall also the coming of the Son of man be.''' For wheresoever the carcase is, there will the eagles be gathered together. '''Immediately after the tribulation of those days shall the sun be darkened, and the moon shall not give her light, and the stars shall fall from heaven, and the powers of the heavens shall be shaken: And then shall appear the sign of the Son of man in heaven: and then shall all the tribes of the earth mourn, and they shall see the Son of man coming in the clouds of heaven with power and great glory.''' And he shall send his angels with a great sound of a trumpet, and they shall gather together his elect from the four winds, from one end of heaven to the other. Now learn a parable of the fig tree; When his branch is yet tender, and putteth forth leaves, ye know that summer is nigh: So likewise ye, when ye shall see all these things, know that it is near, even at the doors. Verily I say unto you, '''This generation shall not pass, till all these things be fulfilled. Heaven and earth shall pass away, but my words shall not pass away. But of that day and hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels of heaven, but my Father only.''' But as the days of Noe were, so shall also the coming of the Son of man be. For as in the days that were before the flood they were eating and drinking, marrying and giving in marriage, until the day that Noe entered into the ark, And knew not until the flood came, and took them all away; so shall also the coming of the Son of man be. Then shall two be in the field; the one shall be taken, and the other left. Two women shall be grinding at the mill; the one shall be taken, and the other left. '''Watch therefore: for ye know not what hour your Lord doth come.''' But know this, that if the goodman of the house had known in what watch the thief would come, he would have watched, and would not have suffered his house to be broken up. Therefore be ye also ready: for in such an hour as ye think not the Son of man cometh. Who then is a faithful and wise servant, whom his lord hath made ruler over his household, to give them meat in due season? Blessed is that servant, whom his lord when he cometh shall find so doing. Verily I say unto you, That he shall make him ruler over all his goods. But and if that evil servant shall say in his heart, My lord delayeth his coming; And shall begin to smite his fellowservants, and to eat and drink with the drunken; The lord of that servant shall come in a day when he looketh not for him, and in an hour that he is not aware of, And shall cut him asunder, and appoint him his portion with the hypocrites: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 24:5–51] (KJV)
** Variant translation:
* [T]he sun will be darkened, and the moon will not give its light; the stars will fall from the sky, and the heavenly bodies will be shaken. … They will see the Son of Man coming on the clouds of the sky, with power and great glory... ''I tell you the truth, this generation will certainly not pass away until all these things have happened.''
** [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2024:29-34;&amp;version=31; 24:29–34] (NIV)

[[File:StJohnsAshfield StainedGlass Gethsemane.jpg|thumb|Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane: ''Sit ye here, while I go and pray yonder.'' [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:36] (KJV)]]

====Chapters 25–26====
*Then shall the kingdom of heaven be likened unto ten virgins, which took their lamps, and went forth to meet the bridegroom. And five of them were wise, and five were foolish. They that were foolish took their lamps, and took no oil with them: But the wise took oil in their vessels with their lamps. While the bridegroom tarried, they all slumbered and slept. And at midnight there was a cry made, Behold, the bridegroom cometh; go ye out to meet him. Then all those virgins arose, and trimmed their lamps. And the foolish said unto the wise, Give us of your oil; for our lamps are gone out. But the wise answered, saying, Not so; lest there be not enough for us and you: but go ye rather to them that sell, and buy for yourselves. And while they went to buy, the bridegroom came; and they that were ready went in with him to the marriage: and the door was shut. Afterward came also the other virgins, saying, Lord, Lord, open to us. But he answered and said, Verily I say unto you, I know you not. Watch therefore, for ye know neither the day nor the hour wherein the Son of man cometh. For the kingdom of heaven is as a man travelling into a far country, who called his own servants, and delivered unto them his goods. '''And unto one he gave five talents, to another two, and to another one; to every man according to his several ability'''; and straightway took his journey. Then he that had received the five talents went and traded with the same, and made them other five talents. And likewise he that had received two, he also gained other two. But he that had received one went and digged in the earth, and hid his lord's money. After a long time the lord of those servants cometh, and reckoneth with them. And so he that had received five talents came and brought other five talents, saying, Lord, thou deliveredst unto me five talents: behold, I have gained beside them five talents more. His lord said unto him, Well done, thou good and faithful servant: thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord. He also that had received two talents came and said, Lord, thou deliveredst unto me two talents: behold, I have gained two other talents beside them. His lord said unto him, Well done, good and faithful servant; thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord. Then he which had received the one talent came and said, Lord, I knew thee that thou art an hard man, reaping where thou hast not sown, and gathering where thou hast not strawed: And I was afraid, and went and hid thy talent in the earth: lo, there thou hast that is thine. His lord answered and said unto him, Thou wicked and slothful servant, thou knewest that I reap where I sowed not, and gather where I have not strawed: Thou oughtest therefore to have put my money to the exchangers, and then at my coming I should have received mine own with usury. Take therefore the talent from him, and give it unto him which hath ten talents. For unto every one that hath shall be given, and he shall have abundance: but from him that hath not shall be taken away even that which he hath. And cast ye the unprofitable servant into outer darkness: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth. When the Son of man shall come in his glory, and all the holy angels with him, then shall he sit upon the throne of his glory: And before him shall be gathered all nations: and he shall separate them one from another, as a shepherd divideth his sheep from the goats: '''And he shall set the sheep on his right hand, but the goats on the left.''' Then shall the King say unto them on his right hand, Come, ye blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world: '''For I was an hungred, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in: Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me.''' Then shall the righteous answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, and fed thee? or thirsty, and gave thee drink? When saw we thee a stranger, and took thee in? or naked, and clothed thee? Or when saw we thee sick, or in prison, and came unto thee? And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, '''Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.''' Then shall he say also unto them on the left hand, Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels: For I was an hungred, and ye gave me no meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me no drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me not in: naked, and ye clothed me not: sick, and in prison, and ye visited me not. Then shall they also answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, or athirst, or a stranger, or naked, or sick, or in prison, and did not minister unto thee? Then shall he answer them, saying, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye did it not to one of the least of these, ye did it not to me. And these shall go away into everlasting punishment: but the righteous into life eternal.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 25:1–46] (KJV)

*'''Ye know that after two days is the feast of the passover, and the Son of man is betrayed to be crucified.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:2] (KJV)

*Why trouble ye the woman? for she hath wrought a good work upon me. '''For ye have the poor always with you; but me ye have not always.''' For in that she hath poured this ointment on my body, she did it for my burial. Verily I say unto you, Wheresoever this gospel shall be preached in the whole world, there shall also this, that this woman hath done, be told for a memorial of her.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:10–13] (KJV)

*Go into the city to such a man, and say unto him, The Master saith, My time is at hand; I will keep the passover at thy house with my disciples.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:18] (KJV)

*'''Verily I say unto you, that one of you shall betray me.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:21] (KJV)

*He that dippeth his hand with me in the dish, the same shall betray me. '''The Son of man goeth as it is written of him: but woe unto that man by whom the Son of man is betrayed! it had been good for that man if he had not been born.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:23–24] (KJV)

*Thou hast said.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:25] (KJV) Said to Judas.

*'''Take, eat; this is my body. And he took the cup, and gave thanks, and gave it to them, saying, Drink ye all of it; For this is my blood of the new testament, which is shed for many for the remission of sins. But I say unto you, I will not drink henceforth of this fruit of the vine, until that day when I drink it new with you in my Father's kingdom.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:26–29] (KJV)

*All ye shall be offended because of me this night: for it is written, I will smite the shepherd, and the sheep of the flock shall be scattered abroad. But after I am risen again, I will go before you into Galilee.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:31–32] (KJV)

*'''Verily I say unto thee, That this night, before the cock crow, thou shalt deny me thrice.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:34] (KJV) Said to Peter.

*Sit ye here, while I go and pray yonder.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:36] (KJV)

*My soul is exceeding sorrowful, even unto death: tarry ye here, and watch with me.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:38] (KJV)

*'''O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:39] (KJV)

*What, could ye not watch with me one hour? '''Watch and pray, that ye enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:40–41] (KJV)

*'''O my Father, if this cup may not pass away from me, except I drink it, thy will be done.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:42] (KJV)

*Sleep on now, and take your rest: behold, the hour is at hand, and the Son of man is betrayed into the hands of sinners. Rise, let us be going: behold, he is at hand that doth betray me.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:45–46] (KJV)

*Friend, wherefore art thou come?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:50] (KJV) Said to Judas.

*Put up again thy sword into his place: '''for all they that take the sword shall perish with the sword.''' Thinkest thou that I cannot now pray to my Father, and he shall presently give me more than twelve legions of angels? But how then shall the scriptures be fulfilled, that thus it must be?

[[File:El_Greco_(Domenikos_Theotokopoulos)_-_Christ_Blessing_('The_Saviour_of_the_World')_-_Google_Art_Project.jpg|thumb| And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age. ~[[Jesus]] in Matthew 28:20 ]] 

*Are ye come out as against a thief with swords and staves for to take me? I sat daily with you teaching in the temple, and ye laid no hold on me. But all this was done, that the scriptures of the prophets might be fulfilled.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:55–56] (KJV)

*Thou hast said: nevertheless I say unto you, '''Hereafter shall ye see the Son of man sitting on the right hand of power, and coming in the clouds of heaven.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:64] (KJV) Said to Caiaphas, the high priest.

====Chapter 28====

*And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.  
**[[Jesus]] in Matthew 28:20

=== [[Gospel of Mark]] ===
&lt;!-- include only statements ''by'' Jesus here that are not already included above, otherwise go to Gospel of [[Mark]] --&gt;
[[File:El Greco 041.jpg|thumb|Whosoever will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.]]

* The sabbath was made for man, and not man for the sabbath.
** [[w:Gospel of Mark|Mark]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark+2%3A27&amp;version=KJV; 2:27] (KJV)

* Verily I say unto you, All sins shall be forgiven unto the sons of men, and blasphemies wherewith soever they shall blaspheme: But he that shall blaspheme against the Holy Ghost hath never forgiveness, but is in danger of eternal damnation.
** [[w:Gospel of Mark|Mark]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark%203:29;&amp;version=9; 3:28-29] (KJV)

* They came to the other side of the sea, to the country of the Ger′asenes. And when he had come out of the boat, there met him out of the tombs a man with an unclean spirit, who lived among the tombs; and no one could bind him any more, even with a chain; for he had often been bound with fetters and chains, but the chains he wrenched apart, and the fetters he broke in pieces; and no one had the strength to subdue him. Night and day among the tombs and on the mountains he was always crying out, and bruising himself with stones. And when he saw Jesus from afar, he ran and worshiped him; and crying out with a loud voice, he said, “What have you to do with me, Jesus, Son of the Most High God? I adjure you by God, do not torment me.” For he had said to him, “Come out of the man, you unclean spirit!” And Jesus asked him, “What is your name?” He replied, “My name is Legion; for we are many.” And he begged him eagerly not to send them out of the country. Now a great herd of swine was feeding there on the hillside; and they begged him, “Send us to the swine, let us enter them.” So he gave them leave. And the unclean spirits came out, and entered the swine; and the herd, numbering about two thousand, rushed down the steep bank into the sea, and were drowned in the sea.
** Mark 5:1-20

* He also said to them, &quot;You completely invalidate God's command in order to maintain your tradition! For Moses said: &lt;blockquote&gt;Honor your father and your mother; and, &lt;br /&gt; Whoever speaks evil of father or mother &lt;br /&gt; must be put to death.&lt;/blockquote&gt;
** [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark%207:9–10;&amp;version=77; 7:9–10]

* '''Whosoever will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. For whosoever will save his life shall lose it; but whosoever shall lose his life for my sake and the gospel's, the same shall save it. For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?'''
** 8:34b–36 (KJV)

*...whoever is not against us is for us.
** [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark%209:40;&amp;version=31; 9:40]

* The next day as they were leaving Bethany, Jesus was hungry. Seeing in the distance a fig tree in leaf, he went to find out if it had any fruit. When he reached it, he found nothing but leaves, because it was not the season for figs. Then he said to the tree, “May no one ever eat fruit from you again.” And his disciples heard him say it.
** The next day when they came out from Bethany, He was hungry. After seeing in the distance a fig tree with leaves, He went to find out if there was anything on it. When He came to it, He found nothing but leaves, because it was not the season for figs. He said to it, &quot;May no one ever eat fruit from you again!&quot;
** Mark 11:12-14 [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark%2011:12–14;&amp;version=77; 11:12–14]

* One of the scribes came to Jesus and asked him, &quot;Which is the first of all commandments?&quot; Jesus replied,&quot;The first is this: Hear, O Israel! The Lord our God is Lord alone! You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength. The second is like: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. There is no other commandment greater than these.&quot;
** Mark 12:28-34

* In all the nations, the good news has to be preached first.
** [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/mark/13/ 13:10], [[NWT]]

* Heaven and earth shall pass away, but my words shall not pass away.
** Mark 13:31, KJV

* Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned. And these signs will accompany those who believe: In my name they will drive out demons; they will speak in new tongues; they will pick up snakes with their hands; and when they drink deadly poison, it will not hurt them at all; they will place their hands on sick people, and they will get well.
** [[w:Jesus|Jesus]], [[w:Gospel of Mark|Mark]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark%2016:17–18;&amp;version=31; 16:16–18]

==== On the Mount of Olives ====
:&lt;small&gt;Speech on the [[w:Mount of Olives|Mount of Olives]], on the night before his crucifixion.&lt;/small&gt;

* '''Take heed lest any man deceive you: For many shall come in my name, saying, I am Christ; and shall deceive many. And when ye shall hear of wars and rumours of wars, be ye not troubled: for such things must needs be; but the end shall not be yet.''' &lt;br /&gt; For nation shall rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom: and there shall be earthquakes in divers places, and there shall be famines and troubles: these are the beginnings of sorrows. &lt;br /&gt; But take heed to yourselves: for they shall deliver you up to councils; and in the synagogues ye shall be beaten: and ye shall be brought before rulers and kings for my sake, for a testimony against them. And the gospel must first be published among all nations. &lt;br /&gt; But when they shall lead you, and deliver you up, take no thought beforehand what ye shall speak, neither do ye premeditate: but whatsoever shall be given you in that hour, that speak ye: for it is not ye that speak, but the Holy Ghost.'''
** 13:5b–11 (KJV)

* '''Now the brother shall betray the brother to death, and the father the son; and children shall rise up against their parents, and shall cause them to be put to death.And ye shall be hated of all men for my name's sake: but he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved. &lt;br /&gt; But when ye shall see the abomination of desolation, spoken of by Daniel the prophet, standing where it ought not, (let him that readeth understand,) then let them that be in Judaea flee to the mountains: '''And let him that is on the housetop not go down into the house, neither enter therein, to take any thing out of his house: And let him that is in the field not turn back again for to take up his garment. &lt;br /&gt; But woe to them that are with child, and to them that give suck in those days! And pray ye that your flight be not in the winter. For in those days shall be affliction, such as was not from the beginning of the creation which God created unto this time, neither shall be. And except that the Lord had shortened those days, no flesh should be saved: but for the elect's sake, whom he hath chosen, he hath shortened the days.
** 13:12–20 (KJV)

* '''And then if any man shall say to you, Lo, here is Christ; or, lo, he is there; believe him not: For false Christs and false prophets shall rise, and shall shew signs and wonders, to seduce, if it were possible, even the elect. But take ye heed: behold, I have foretold you all things. &lt;br /&gt; But in those days, after that tribulation, the sun shall be darkened, and the moon shall not give her light, And the stars of heaven shall fall, and the powers that are in heaven shall be shaken. &lt;br /&gt; '''And then shall they see the Son of man coming in the clouds with great power and glory. And then shall he send his angels, and shall gather together his elect from the four winds, from the uttermost part of the earth to the uttermost part of heaven.'''
** 13:21–27 (KJV)

* Now learn a parable of the fig tree; When her branch is yet tender, and putteth forth leaves, ye know that summer is near: So ye in like manner, when ye shall see these things come to pass, know that it is nigh, even at the doors. &lt;br /&gt; '''Verily I say unto you, that this generation shall not pass, till all these things be done. Heaven and earth shall pass away: but my words shall not pass away.''' But of that day and that hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels which are in heaven, neither the Son, but the Father. &lt;br /&gt; Take ye heed, watch and pray: for ye know not when the time is. For the Son of Man is as a man taking a far journey, who left his house, and gave authority to his servants, and to every man his work, and commanded the porter to watch. Watch ye therefore: for ye know not when the master of the house cometh, at even, or at midnight, or at the cockcrowing, or in the morning: Lest coming suddenly he find you sleeping. '''And what I say unto you I say unto all, Watch.'''
** 13:28–37 (KJV)

=== [[Gospel of Luke]] ===
[[File:Hagiasophia-christ.jpg|thumb|Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven.]]
&lt;!-- include only statements ''by'' Jesus here that are not already included above, otherwise go to [[Gospel of Luke]] --&gt;
*&quot;And he said to them (Joseph and Mary), “Why were you looking for me? Did you not know that I must be in my Father's house?”
** Luke 2:49 (ESV)

* The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to set the oppressed free, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor.
** Luke 4:18-19 [[New International Version|NIV]]

* '''And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back.'''
** [[w:Jesus|Jesus]] on [[w:usury|usury]] from the [[w:Sermon on the Mount|Sermon on the Mount]], [[w:Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%206:35;&amp;version=31; 6:34–35]

* ''' Ye know not what manner of spirit ye are of. For the Son of man is not come to destroy men's lives, but to save them.''' (KJV)
** 9:55–56 Rebuking James and John for asking if he would command fire to come down from heaven, to consume a village of [[w:Samaritans|Samaritans]] for not receiving them, because they seemed to be headed for Jerusalem.

* In that very hour he became overjoyed in the holy spirit and said: “I publicly praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have carefully hidden these things from wise and intellectual ones and have revealed them to young children. Yes, O Father, because this is the way you approved.
** [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/luke/10/ Luke 10:21], [[New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures]]

* '''A certain man went down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and fell among thieves, which stripped him of his raiment, and wounded him, and departed, leaving him half dead.''' And by chance there came down a certain priest that way: and when he saw him, he passed by on the other side. And likewise a Levite, when he was at the place, came and looked on him, and passed by on the other side. &lt;br /&gt; '''But a certain Samaritan, as he journeyed, came where he was: and when he saw him, he had compassion on him, And went to him, and bound up his wounds, pouring in oil and wine, and set him on his own beast, and brought him to an inn, and took care of him.''' And on the morrow when he departed, he took out two pence, and gave them to the host, and said unto him, Take care of him; and whatsoever thou spendest more, when I come again, I will repay thee. &lt;br /&gt; Which now of these three, thinkest thou, was neighbour unto him that fell among the thieves? &lt;br /&gt; And he said, He that shewed mercy on him. Then said Jesus unto him, '''Go, and do thou likewise.'''
** 10:31–37 The famous parable of the [[w:Good Samaritan|Good Samaritan]].

* And Jesus answered and said unto her, Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things, but one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her.
** 10:41-42 (King James Version| KJV)


* He that is not with me is against me: and he that gathereth not with me scattereth.
** [[w:Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%2011:23;&amp;version=9; 11:23] (KJV)

* Ye fools, did not he that made that which is without make that which is within also?
** 11:40 (KJV)

* '''Woe unto you, lawyers! for ye have taken away the key of knowledge: ye entered not in yourselves, and them that were entering in ye hindered.''' And as he said these things unto them, the scribes and the Pharisees began to urge him vehemently, and to provoke him to speak of many things: Laying wait for him, and seeking to catch something out of his mouth, that they might accuse him.
** 11:52

* When there were gathered together an innumerable multitude of people, insomuch that they trode one upon another, he began to say unto his disciples first of all, '''Beware ye of the leaven of the Pharisees, which is hypocrisy. For there is nothing covered, that shall not be revealed; neither hid, that shall not be known.''' Therefore whatsoever ye have spoken in darkness shall be heard in the light; and that which ye have spoken in the ear in closets shall be proclaimed upon the housetops. And I say unto you my friends, Be not afraid of them that kill the body, and after that have no more that they can do. But I will forewarn you whom ye shall fear: Fear him, which after he hath killed hath power to cast into hell; yea, I say unto you, Fear him.
** 12:1–5

* Are not five sparrows sold for two farthings, and not one of them is forgotten before God? But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not therefore: ye are of more value than many sparrows.
** 12:6–7

* Then he said to them, &quot;Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; '''a man's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions'''.&quot; &lt;br /&gt; And he told them this parable: &quot;The ground of a certain rich man produced a good crop. He thought to himself, 'What shall I do? I have no place to store my crops.' &lt;br /&gt; &quot;Then he said, 'This is what I'll do. I will tear down my barns and build bigger ones, and there I will store all my grain and my goods. And I'll say to myself, &quot;You have plenty of good things laid up for many years. Take life easy; '''eat, drink and be merry'''.&quot; ' &lt;br /&gt; &quot;But God said to him, 'You fool! This very night your life will be demanded from you. Then who will get what you have prepared for yourself?' &lt;br /&gt; &quot;This is how it will be with anyone who stores up things for himself but is not rich toward God.&quot;
** 12:15–21 (NIV)

* Have no fear, little flock, for your Father has approved of giving you the Kingdom.
** [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/luke/12/ 12:32]

* Be ye therefore ready also: for the Son of man cometh at an hour when ye think not.
** 12:40

* The lord of that servant will come in a day when he looketh not for him, and at an hour when he is not aware, and will cut him in sunder, and will appoint him his portion with the unbelievers.
** [[w:Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%2012:46;&amp;version=9; 12:46] (KJV)

* And that servant, which knew his lord's will, and prepared not himself, neither did according to his will, shall be beaten with many stripes.
** [[w:Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%2012:47;&amp;version=9; 12:47] (KJV)

* '''Unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required: and to whom men have committed much, of him they will ask the more. '''
** 12:48

* I came to set fire to the earth, and I wish it were already on fire!
** 12:49 (CEV)

* '''Suppose ye that I am come to give peace on earth? I tell you, Nay; but rather division: For from henceforth there shall be five in one house divided, three against two, and two against three. The father shall be divided against the son, and the son against the father; the mother against the daughter, and the daughter against the mother; the mother in law against her daughter in law, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.''' &lt;br /&gt; And he said also to the people, When ye see a cloud rise out of the west, straightway ye say, There cometh a shower; and so it is. And when ye see the south wind blow, ye say, There will be heat; and it cometh to pass. Ye hypocrites, ye can discern the face of the sky and of the earth; but how is it that ye do not discern this time? '''Yea, and why even of yourselves judge ye not what is right?'''
** 12:51–57 (KJV) Variant translation of 12:57: '''Why do you not judge for yourselves what is right?'''

*If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and his own life also, he cannot be My disciple.
** [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%2014:26;&amp;version=50; 14:26]

* “What man among you with 100 sheep, on losing one of them, will not leave the 99 behind in the wilderness and go after the lost one until he finds it? And when he has found it, he puts it on his shoulders and rejoices. And when he gets home, he calls his friends and his neighbors together, saying to them, ‘Rejoice with me, for I have found my sheep that was lost.’ I tell you that in the same way, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over 99 righteous ones who have no need of repentance.
** [http://wol.jw.org/en/wol/bsync/r4/lp-s/nwt/E/2013/r1/lp-e/42/15#h=141:0-141:86&amp;selbvs=1 Luke 15: 4-7]

* What is exalted among men is an abomination in the sight of God.
** 16:15 [[English Standard Version|ESV]]

* Those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.
** 18:14 [[New International Version|NIV]]

* '''Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven. Verily I say unto you, Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child shall in no wise enter therein.'''
** [http://bible.cc/luke/18-16.htm 18:16–17] (KJV)
** Variant translation: '''Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.''' (NIV)

[[File:Monte Cassino interior 03.jpg|thumb|Yet lackest thou one thing: sell all that thou hast, and distribute unto the [[poor]], and thou shalt have treasure in [[heaven]]: and come, follow me.]]
* Yet lackest thou one thing: sell all that thou hast, and distribute unto the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come, follow me. 
** 18:22 (KJV)

* For it is easier for a camel to go through a needle's eye, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God. 
** 18:25 (KJV)

* Behold, there was a man named Zacchaeus, which was the chief among the publicans, and he was rich. And he sought to see Jesus who he was; and could not for the press, because he was little of stature. And he ran before, and climbed up into a sycomore tree to see him: for he was to pass that way. And when Jesus came to the place, he looked up, and saw him, and said unto him, Zacchaeus, make haste, and come down; for to day I must abide at thy house. And he made haste, and came down, and received him joyfully. And when they saw it, they all murmured, saying, That he was gone to be guest with a man that is a sinner. And Zacchaeus stood, and said unto the Lord: Behold, Lord, the half of my goods I give to the poor; and if I have taken any thing from any man by false accusation, I restore him fourfold. And Jesus said unto him, This day is salvation come to this house, forsomuch as he also is a son of Abraham. For the Son of man is come to seek and to save that which was lost.
** 19:2–10

* '''He added and spake a parable, because he was nigh to Jerusalem, and because they thought that the kingdom of God should immediately appear.''' He said therefore, A certain nobleman went into a far country to receive for himself a kingdom, and to return. And he called his ten servants, and delivered them ten pounds, and said unto them, Occupy till I come. But his citizens hated him, and sent a message after him, saying, We will not have this man to reign over us. And it came to pass, that when he was returned, having received the kingdom, then he commanded these servants to be called unto him, to whom he had given the money, that he might know how much every man had gained by trading. &lt;br /&gt; Then came the first, saying, Lord, thy pound hath gained ten pounds. And he said unto him, Well, thou good servant: because thou hast been faithful in a very little, have thou authority over ten cities. &lt;br /&gt; And the second came, saying, Lord, thy pound hath gained five pounds. And he said likewise to him, Be thou also over five cities. &lt;br /&gt; And another came, saying, Lord, behold, here is thy pound, which I have kept laid up in a napkin: For I feared thee, because thou art an austere man: thou takest up that thou layedst not down, and reapest that thou didst not sow. &lt;br /&gt; And he saith unto him, Out of thine own mouth will I judge thee, thou wicked servant. Thou knewest that I was an austere man, taking up that I laid not down, and reaping that I did not sow: Wherefore then gavest not thou my money into the bank, that at my coming I might have required mine own with usury? &lt;br /&gt; And he said unto them that stood by, Take from him the pound, and give it to him that hath ten pounds. (And they said unto him, Lord, he hath ten pounds.) For '''I say unto you, That unto every one which hath shall be given; and from him that hath not, even that he hath shall be taken away from him. But those mine enemies, which would not that I should reign over them, bring hither, and slay them before me.'''
** 19:11–27; The last line of this parable has been quoted as if it were a command of Jesus, when it is in fact a command given by the protaganist of his story. In later interpretations it was used to justify the collective condemnation and persecution of Jews for not accepting Jesus as the [[w:Messiah|Messiah]], as when [[John Chrysostom]], one of the [[w:Three Holy Hierarchs|Three Holy Hierarchs]], and a [[w:Doctor of the Church|Doctor of the Church]] uses this passage directly to condemn the Jews:
*** The Jewish people were driven by their drunkenness and plumpness to the ultimate evil; they kicked about, they failed to accept the yoke of Christ, nor did they pull the plow of his teaching. Another prophet hinted at this when he said: &quot;Israel is as obstinate as a stubborn heifer.&quot; … Although such beasts are unfit for work, they are fit for killing. And this is what happened to the Jews: while they were making themselves unfit for work, they grew fit for slaughter. This is why Christ said: &quot;But as for these my enemies, who did not want me to be king over them, bring them here and slay them.&quot; ([[w:Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [[s:Bible, King James, Luke#Chapter 19|19:27]])
**** [[John Chrysostom]] (349–ca. 407), ''[http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/source/chrysostom-jews6.html Eight Homilies Against the Jews],'' Homily 1

* At the mount called the mount of Olives, he sent two of his disciples, saying, Go ye into the village over against you; in the which at your entering ye shall find a colt tied, whereon yet never man sat: loose him, and bring him hither. And if any man ask you, Why do ye loose him? thus shall ye say unto him, Because the Lord hath need of him. &lt;br /&gt; And they that were sent went their way, and found even as he had said unto them. And as they were loosing the colt, the owners thereof said unto them, Why loose ye the colt? And they said, The Lord hath need of him.
** 19:29–35

* Then began he to speak to the people this parable; A certain man planted a vineyard, and let it forth to husbandmen, and went into a far country for a long time. And at the season he sent a servant to the husbandmen, that they should give him of the fruit of the vineyard: but the husbandmen beat him, and sent him away empty.And again he sent another servant: and they beat him also, and entreated him shamefully, and sent him away empty. And again he sent a third: and they wounded him also, and cast him out. &lt;br /&gt; Then said the lord of the vineyard, What shall I do? I will send my beloved son: it may be they will reverence him when they see him. &lt;br /&gt; But when the husbandmen saw him, they reasoned among themselves, saying, This is the heir: come, let us kill him, that the inheritance may be ours. &lt;br /&gt; So they cast him out of the vineyard, and killed him. What therefore shall the lord of the vineyard do unto them? &lt;br /&gt; He shall come and destroy these husbandmen, and shall give the vineyard to others. &lt;br /&gt; And when they heard it, they said, God forbid. And he beheld them, and said, '''What is this then that is written, The stone which the builders rejected, the same is become the head of the corner? &lt;br /&gt; Whosoever shall fall upon that stone shall be broken; but on whomsoever it shall fall, it will grind him to powder. &lt;br /&gt; And the chief priests and the scribes the same hour sought to lay hands on him; and they feared the people: for they perceived that he had spoken this parable against them.'''
** 20:9–19

* He is a God, not of the dead, but of the living, for they are all living to him.
** [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/luke/20/ Luke 20:38], [[New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures]]

* People will become faint out of fear and expectation of the things coming upon the inhabited [[earth]], for the powers of the heavens will be shaken. And then they will see the Son of man coming in a [[cloud]] with [[power]] and great [[glory]].
** [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/luke/21/ 21:26-27], [[NWT]]

* ...and he who has no sword, let him sell his garment and buy one.
** Luke 22:36 (NKJV)
* Verily I say unto thee, Today shalt thou be with me in paradise.
** [[w:Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=%20Luke%2023:43&amp;version=KJV 23:43] (KJV)

=== [[Gospel of John]] ===

[[File:Tiffany Jesus Window in Pullman Memorial Universalist Church.jpg|thumb|I am the [[door]]: by me if any man enter in, he shall be [[saved]], and shall go in and out, and find pasture. The [[thief]] cometh not, but for to [[steal]], and to [[kill]], and to [[destroy]]: I am come that they might have [[life]], and that they might have it more [[abundantly]].]]
[[File:Good shepherd 01.jpg|thumb|I am the [[good]] shepherd: the [[w:good shepherd|good shepherd]] giveth his life for the [[sheep]].]]
[[File:Vincent Willem van Gogh 083.jpg|thumb|A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.]]
{{main|Gospel of John}}

* You are Israel's teacher, and do you not understand these things?I tell you the truth, we speak of what we know, and we testify to what we have seen, but still you people do not accept our testimony. I have spoken to you of earthly things and you do not believe; how then will you believe if I speak of heavenly things? No one has ever gone into heaven except the one who came from heaven–the Son of Man. Just as Moses lifted up the snake in the desert, so the Son of Man must be lifted up, that everyone who believes in him may have eternal life. '''For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.''' Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not believed in the name of God's one and only Son. This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God.
**&lt;small&gt;John 3:10–21&lt;/small&gt;
** Variant translation: For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved. ~ 3:17

* If I [Jesus] testify about myself, my testimony is not valid.
** [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John%205:31;&amp;version=31; 5:31]

* ''' Verily, verily, I say unto you, Except ye eat the flesh of the Son of man, and drink his blood, ye have no life in you. Whoso eateth my flesh, and drinketh my blood, hath eternal life; and I will raise him up at the last day. For my flesh is meat indeed, and my blood is drink indeed. He that eateth my flesh, and drinketh my blood, dwelleth in me, and I in him.'''
** 6:53–56

* '''He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone''' at her.
** 8:7 &lt;small&gt;(King James Version)&lt;/small&gt;

* ''' You shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free.'''
** 8:32

* '''I am the [[door]]''': by me if any man enter in, he shall be saved, and shall go in and out, and find pasture. '''The [[thief]] cometh not, but for to [[steal]], and to [[kill]], and to [[destroy]]: I am come that they might have [[life]], and that they might have it more [[abundantly]]. I am the [[good]] shepherd: the [[w:good shepherd|good shepherd]] giveth his life for the [[sheep]].'''
** [https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John+10&amp;version=KJV;SBLGNT 10:9-11]

*'''Jesus answered them, “Is it not written in your law, ‘I said, “You are gods”''' ’? (34) If he called them gods, to whom the word of God came, and the scripture cannot be broken. (35) New King James Version
**[https://biblehub.com/john/10-34.htm John 10:34]

* I am the [[resurrection]] and the [[life]]. The one who exercises faith in me, even though he dies, will come to life; and everyone who is living and exercises faith in me will never die at all.
** [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/john/11/ 11:25-26], [[NWT]]

* If you know these things, happy you are if you do them.
** [http://wol.jw.org/en/wol/b/r1/lp-e/nwt/E/2013/43/13#h=93:564-93:624 13:17], [[New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures]]

* '''A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.'''
** 13:34–35 KJV

* '''I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.'''
** 14:6

* If ye shall ask any thing in my name, I will do it.
** [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John%2014:14;&amp;version=9; 14:14] (KJV)

* My Father is glorified in this, that you keep bearing much fruit and prove yourselves my disciples. Just as the Father has loved me, so I have loved you; remain in my love. If you observe my commandments, you will remain in my love, just as I have observed the commandments of the Father and remain in his [[love]]. “These things I have spoken to you, so that my joy may be in you and your joy may be made full. This is my commandment, that you love one another just as I have loved you. No one has love greater than this, that someone should surrender his life in behalf of his friends. You are my [[friends]] if you do what I am commanding you. I no longer call you slaves, because a slave does not know what his master does. But I have called you friends, because I have made known to you all the things I have heard from my Father.
** [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/john/15/ 15:8-15], [[New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures]]

* I have said these things to you so that by means of me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation, but take courage! I have conquered the world.
** [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/john/16/ 16:33], [[NWT]]

[[File:William Holman Hunt - Christ And The Two Marys.jpg|thumb|The glory which thou gavest me I have given them; that they may be one, even as we are one: I in them, and thou in me, that they may be made perfect in one; and that the world may know that thou hast sent me, and hast loved them, as thou hast loved me.]]
* '''Father, the hour is come; glorify thy Son, that thy Son also may glorify thee''': As thou hast given him power over all flesh, that he should give eternal life to as many as thou hast given him. '''And this is life eternal, that they might know thee the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom thou hast sent.''' &lt;br /&gt; '''I have glorified thee on the earth: I have finished the work which thou gavest me to do.''' And now, O Father, glorify thou me with thine own self with the glory which I had with thee before the world was. &lt;br /&gt; I have manifested thy name unto the men which thou gavest me out of the world: thine they were, and thou gavest them me; and they have kept thy word. Now they have known that all things whatsoever thou hast given me are of thee. For '''I have given unto them the words which thou gavest me; and they have received them, and have known surely that I came out from thee, and they have believed that thou didst send me.''' &lt;br /&gt; I pray for them: I pray not for the world, but for them which thou hast given me; for they are thine. And all mine are thine, and thine are mine; and I am glorified in them.And now I am no more in the world, but these are in the world, and I come to thee. Holy Father, keep through thine own name those whom thou hast given me, that they may be one, as we are. &lt;br /&gt; While I was with them in the world, I kept them in thy name: those that thou gavest me I have kept, and none of them is lost, but the son of perdition; that the scripture might be fulfilled. And now come I to thee; and these things I speak in the world, that they might have my joy fulfilled in themselves. &lt;br /&gt; I have given them thy word; and the world hath hated them, because they are not of the world, even as I am not of the world. I pray not that thou shouldest take them out of the world, but that thou shouldest keep them from the evil. '''They are not of the world, even as I am not of the world. Sanctify them through thy truth: thy word is truth.''' As thou hast sent me into the world, even so have I also sent them into the world. And for their sakes I sanctify myself, that they also might be sanctified through the truth. Neither pray I for these alone, but for them also which shall believe on me through their word; That they all may be one; as thou, Father, art in me, and I in thee, that they also may be one in us: that the world may believe that thou hast sent me. '''And the glory which thou gavest me I have given them; that they may be one, even as we are one: I in them, and thou in me, that they may be made perfect in one; and that the world may know that thou hast sent me, and hast loved them, as thou hast loved me.''' &lt;br /&gt; Father, I will that they also, whom thou hast given me, be with me where I am; that they may behold my glory, which thou hast given me: for thou lovedst me before the foundation of the world. &lt;br /&gt; '''O righteous Father, the world hath not known thee: but I have known thee, and these have known that thou hast sent me. And I have declared unto them thy name, and will declare it: that the love wherewith thou hast loved me may be in them, and I in them.'''
** 17: 1–26, ([[w:Authorized King James Version|KJV]])
** Variant translations:
** '''Father, the time has come. Glorify your Son, that your Son may glorify you. For you granted him authority over all people that he might give eternal life to all those you have given him.''' Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent. '''I have brought you glory on earth by completing the work you gave me to do. And now, Father, glorify me in your presence with the glory I had with you before the world began.''' &lt;br /&gt; I have revealed you to those whom you gave me out of the world. They were yours; you gave them to me and they have obeyed your word. Now they know that everything you have given me comes from you. For '''I gave them the words you gave me and they accepted them. They knew with certainty that I came from you, and they believed that you sent me.''' I pray for them. I am not praying for the world, but for those you have given me, for they are yours. '''All I have is yours, and all you have is mine. And glory has come to me through them.''' I will remain in the world no longer, but they are still in the world, and I am coming to you. Holy Father, protect them by the power of your name — the name you gave me — so that they may be one as we are one. '''While I was with them, I protected them and kept them safe by that name you gave me.''' None has been lost except the one doomed to destruction so that Scripture would be fulfilled. &lt;br /&gt; I am coming to you now, but I say these things while I am still in the world, so that they may have the full measure of my joy within them. I have given them your word and the world has hated them, for they are not of the world any more than I am of the world. My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one. '''They are not of the world, even as I am not of it. Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth.''' As you sent me into the world, I have sent them into the world. For them I sanctify myself, that they too may be truly sanctified. &lt;br /&gt; '''My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you.''' May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. '''I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one: I in them and you in me.''' May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. &lt;br /&gt; Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world. &lt;br /&gt; Righteous Father, though the world does not know you, I know you, and they know that you have sent me. I have made you known to them, and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them.
*** 17: 1–26, ([[w:New International Version|NIV]])

* My kingdom is not of this world: if my kingdom were of this world, then would my servants fight, that I should not be delivered to the Jews: but now is my kingdom not from hence.
** 18: 36, [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John+18%3A36%3B&amp;version=KJV] (KJV)

* Thou sayest that I am a king. To this end was I born, and for this cause came I into the world, that I should bear witness unto the truth. Every one that is of the truth heareth my voice.
** 18:37, [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John+18%3A37%3B&amp;version=KJV] (KJV)

* '''Touch me not; for I am not yet ascended to my Father: but go to my brethren, and say unto them, I ascend unto my Father, and your Father; and to my God, and your God.'''
** John [https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John+20&amp;version=KJV;SBLGNT 20:17] (KJV)

* '''Peace be unto you: as my Father hath sent me, even so send I you. … Receive ye the [[Holy Ghost]]: Whose soever sins ye remit, they are remitted unto them; and whose soever sins ye retain, they are retained.
** John 20:22-23 (KJV)

* Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and [[believe]]. Thomas answered him, &quot;My Lord and my God!&quot;
** John 20:27-28

* Λέγει αὐτῷ ὁ Ἰησοῦς Ὅτι ἑώρακάς με πεπίστευκας; μακάριοι οἱ μὴ ἰδόντες, καὶ πιστεύσαντες.&lt;BR&gt;“Have you believed because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”
** John 20:29

=== [[Acts of the Apostles]]===
* And, being assembled together with them, commanded them that they should not depart from Jerusalem, but wait for the promise of the Father, which, saith he, ye have heard of me. For John truly baptized with water; but ye shall be baptized with the Holy Ghost not many days hence.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4870983 1:4–5] (KJV)

*It is not for you to know the times or the seasons, which the Father hath put in his own power. But ye shall receive power, after that the Holy Ghost is come upon you: and ye shall be witnesses unto me both in Jerusalem, and in all Judaea, and in Samaria, and unto the uttermost part of the earth.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4870983 1:7–8] (KJV)

* '''It is more blessed to give than to receive.'''
** Acts 20:35b

=== [[Book of Revelation|Revelation]] ===
:&lt;small&gt;Statements attributed to Jesus by [[w:John of Patmos|John of Patmos]] in his vision of [[w:Christ|Christ]] and the [[w:Apocalypse|Apocalypse]].&lt;/small&gt;

* I am [[w:Alpha and Omega (Christianity)|Alpha and Omega]], the first and the last: and, What thou seest, write in a book, and send it unto the seven churches which are in Asia; unto Ephesus, and unto Smyrna, and unto Pergamos, and unto Thyatira, and unto Sardis, and unto Philadelphia, and unto Laodicea.
** Revelation 1:11

* I am he that liveth, and was dead; and, behold, I am alive for evermore, Amen; and have the keys of hell and of death. Write the things which thou hast seen, and the things which are, and the things which shall be hereafter
** Revelation 1:18–19

Variant:

* Do not be afraid. I am the First and the Last, and the living one, and I became dead, but look! I am living forever and ever, and I have the [[key]]s of death and of the Grave.
** [[Revelation]] [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/revelation/1/ 1:17-18], [[NWT]]

* Notwithstanding I have a few things against thee, because thou sufferest that woman Jezebel, which calleth herself a prophetess, to teach and to seduce my servants to commit fornication, and to eat things sacrificed unto idols. And I gave her space to repent of her fornication; and she repented not. Behold, I will cast her into a bed, and them that commit adultery with her into great tribulation, except they repent of their deeds. And I will kill her children with death; and all the churches shall know that I am he which searcheth the reins and hearts: and I will give unto every one of you according to your works
** [[w:Book of Revelation|Revelation]] [https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Revelation+2%3A+20-23&amp;version=AKJV]

* The victor and the one who keeps My works to the end: I will give him authority over the nations— &lt;blockquote&gt;and He will shepherd them with an iron scepter; &lt;br /&gt; He will shatter them like pottery— &lt;br /&gt; just as I have received [this] from My Father.&lt;/blockquote&gt;
** [[w:Book of Revelation|Revelation]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Revelation%202:26-27;&amp;version=77; 2:26–27]

* I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, the first and the last.
** Revelation 22:13

* I Jesus have sent mine angel to testify unto you these things in the churches. I am the root and the offspring of [[David]], and the bright and morning star.
** Revelation 22:16

== Aramaic statements ==
&lt;!-- If someone could provide more of these in either an Aramaic or Hebrew transcription, it would be a very welcome addition --&gt;
:&lt;small&gt;Statements of Jesus preserved in the original [[w:Aramaic|Aramaic]], [[w:Transliteration|transliterated]] into [[w:Greek language|Greek]]. For more details on these statements see the Wikipedia articles on the [[w:Aramaic of Jesus|Aramaic of Jesus]] and [[w:Words of Jesus on the cross|Words of Jesus on the cross]].&lt;/small&gt;

[[File:StJohnsAshfield StainedGlass PeterDorcas.jpg|thumb|upright|left|''Talitha koum'']]
===&quot;Little girl, arise.&quot;===
* Aramaic: &quot;{{lang|arc|טלתא קומי|rtl}}&quot; (''{{lang|arc-Latn|Ţlîthâ qûm}}'')
** Greek transliteration: &quot;{{lang|arc-Grek|ταλιθα κουμ}}&quot; (''{{lang|arc-Latn|Talitha koum}}'')
** Words said when reviving the daughter of a Jewish leader after she had been declared dead. Jesus asked, &quot;Why make ye this ado, and weep? the damsel is not dead, but sleepeth.&quot; He then spoke this quote, one of his few statements which have been reliably preserved as a transliteration of the Hebrew/Aramaic which he spoke. (Mark 5:38–42)

[[File:Cristo_crucificado.jpg|thumb|''Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?'']]
===&quot;My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?&quot;===
* Aramaic: &quot;{{lang|arc|אלהי אלהי למא שבקתני|rtl}}&quot; (''{{lang|arc-Latn|Êlî êlî lâmâ `azabtânî}}'')
** Greek transliteration (Mark 15:34): &quot;{{lang|arc-Grek|ελωι ελωι λεμα σαβαχθανι;}}&quot; (''{{lang|arc-Latn|Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?}}'')
** Greek transliteration (Matthew 27:46): &quot;{{lang|arc-Grek|ηλι ηλι λεμα σαβαχθανι;}}&quot; (''{{lang|arc-Latn|Eli, Eli lama sabbachthani?}}'')
** Words spoken during his crucifixion. Jesus here seems to be quoting a [[w:Targum|targum]] of the first line of Psalm 22. This is a quote from King David: &quot;My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me? [Why art thou so] far from helping me, [and from] the words of my roaring?&quot; (Psalm 22:1). Quoting the first verse was a standard Jewish way of referring to a whole psalm. This psalm is regarded by many to be a prophecy of the Messiah's suffering. It ends with a declaration of victory, &quot;They shall come, and shall declare his righteousness unto a people that shall be born, that he hath done [this].&quot; (Psalm 22:31)

== Variants of major statements ==
:&lt;small&gt;''Variants of major statements from different sources compared ''&lt;/small&gt;
&lt;!-- This might eventually become the largest section, but it will likely be a gradual process.--&gt;
[[File:Rossakiewicz Prayer.jpg|thumb|Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name. &lt;br /&gt; Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.]]

* After this manner therefore pray ye: '''Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name. &lt;br /&gt; Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven. &lt;br /&gt; Give us this day our daily bread. &lt;br /&gt; And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. &lt;br /&gt; And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen.'''
** Matthew 6:9–13 (KJV) The version in Luke does not contain the last verse of this passage, and some translations have these two lines as &lt;br /&gt; forgive us our trespass &lt;br /&gt; as we forgive those who trespass against us
** In this manner, therefore, pray: &lt;br /&gt; Our Father in heaven, &lt;br /&gt; Hallowed be Your name. &lt;br /&gt; Your kingdom come. &lt;br /&gt; Your will be done &lt;br /&gt; On earth as it is in heaven. &lt;br /&gt; Give us this day our daily bread. &lt;br /&gt; And forgive us our debts, &lt;br /&gt; As we forgive our debtors. &lt;br /&gt; And do not lead us into temptation, &lt;br /&gt; But deliver us from the evil one. &lt;br /&gt; For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. &lt;br /&gt; Amen.
***Matthew 6:9–13 (NKJV)
** And he said unto them, When ye pray, say, Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name. &lt;br /&gt; Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done, as in heaven, so in earth. &lt;br /&gt; Give us day by day our daily bread. &lt;br /&gt; And forgive us our sins; for we also forgive every one that is indebted to us. &lt;br /&gt; And lead us not into temptation; but deliver us from evil.
*** Luke 11:2–4 (KJV)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

* '''Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.''' (Matthew 7:1–2) (KJV)

* '''Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven''': Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again. (Luke 6:37–38) (KJV)

* '''Do not judge according to appearance, but judge with righteous judgment.''' (John 7:24) (NASB)
** Variant translation: Stop judging by mere appearances, and make a right judgment. (NIV)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

* So watch yourselves. '''If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him.''' If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, 'I repent,' forgive him. (Luke 17:3–4) (NIV)

* If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. (Matthew 18:15) (NIV)
* (Some manuscripts read: &quot;If your brother sins, go and show him his fault...&quot;)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
[[File:Gian Lorenzo Bernini - Dove of the Holy Spirit.JPG|thumb|Whoever blasphemes against the Father will be forgiven, and whoever blasphemes against the Son will be forgiven, but whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven either on earth or in heaven.]]
* '''Whoever blasphemes against the Father will be forgiven, and whoever blasphemes against the Son will be forgiven, but whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven either on earth or in heaven'''. (''Gospel of Thomas'' Saying 44)
** The terms &quot;[[w:Holy Spirit|Holy Spirit]]&quot; or &quot;Holy Ghost&quot; are used as translations of the Greek word πνευμα (''[[w:Pneumatology|Pneuma]]'') meaning &quot;Spirit&quot; or &quot;Breath&quot;; in most of the traditional theologies that developed in the centuries after the crucifixion of Jesus these have been taken to mean the third person of the Christian [[w:Trinity|Trinity]]. Other interpretations not dependent upon trinitarian doctrines also exist.

* '''Wherefore I say unto you, All manner of sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven unto men: but the blasphemy against the Holy Ghost shall not be forgiven unto men. And whosoever speaketh a word against the Son of man, it shall be forgiven him: but whosoever speaketh against the Holy Ghost, it shall not be forgiven him, neither in this world, neither in the world to come.''' (Matthew 12:31–32) (KJV)

* '''Verily I say unto you, All sins shall be forgiven unto the sons of men, and blasphemies wherewith soever they shall blaspheme: But he that shall blaspheme against the Holy Ghost hath never forgiveness, but is in danger of eternal damnation.''' (Mark 3:28–29) (KJV)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

* Master, we saw one casting out devils in thy name, and he followeth not us: and we forbad him, because he followeth not us. But Jesus said, '''Forbid him not: for there is no man which shall do a miracle in my name, that can lightly speak evil of me. For he that is not against us is on our part.'''
** Mark 9:38–40 (KJV)

* '''He that is not with me is against me; and he that gathereth not with me scattereth abroad.'''
** Matthew 12:30 (KJV)

* Master, we saw one casting out devils in thy name; and we forbad him, because he followeth not with us. And Jesus said unto him, '''Forbid him not: for he that is not against us is for us.'''
** Luke 9:49–50 (KJV)

* '''He that is not with me is against me: and he that gathereth not with me scattereth.'''
** Luke 11:23 (KJV)

::The apparent contradiction of these four quotes is not so great a paradox as it might seem. Plainly some could interpret these assertions as being made with an absolutely universal context and application, and thus as absolutely contradictory, but other interpretations recognize that the context of the assertions differ, and thus their application. When someone is actively ''promoting'' things they consider wise, like compassion or liberty against human apathy or hostilities then those who are not &quot;for&quot; them are against them; but when they are simply ''doing'' good, or maintaining and exercising personal freedom and compassion, especially in hostile environments, then those who are not actively against them are for them.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

* All they that take the sword shall perish with the sword.
** Matthew 26:52 (KJV)
** This also is referenced by the author of ''Revelation'' 13:10: He that killeth with the sword must be killed with the sword. Here is the patience and the faith of the saints.
** Proverbial variants (unsourced translations): He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword. &lt;br /&gt; They who live by the sword shall die by the sword.

== [[w:Gnostic Gospels|Gnostic Gospels]] ==
:&lt;small&gt;The term gnostic gospels (pronunciation: naws-tik) refers to gnostic collections of writings or teachings of Jesus. These gospels did not become part of the standard Biblical canon, and are part of what is called New Testament apocrypha. &lt;/small&gt;

=== [[Gospel of Thomas]] (c. 2nd century AD manuscript)===
{{main|Gospel of Thomas}}
[[File:Grunewald - christ.jpg|thumb|The [[Kingdom of God|Kingdom]] is inside of you, and it is outside of you. When you come to [[know]] [[yourselves]], then you will become known, and you will [[realize]] that it is you who are the [[sons]] of the [[living]] Father. But if you will not know yourselves, you dwell in [[poverty]] and it is you who are that poverty.]]
:&lt;small&gt;''The Gospel of Thomas'' or ''Evangelion Thomas'' (Good Message of Thomas), unlike the four canonical gospels, contains very little narrative, and is mostly a list of statements that Yeshua is said to have made. It should be noted that this work was never accepted as [[w:Biblical canon|canonical]], and debate continues whether it was most likely written before or after the gospels that did become canonical. The number at the end of any quotation in this section refers to the generally accepted number of the saying. &lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Friedrich Kreuz im Wald.jpg |thumb|You [[read]] the [[face]] of the [[sky]] and of the [[earth]], but you have not [[recognized]] [[the one]] who is before you, and you do not know how to read this [[moment]].]]

* ''' Whoever shall find the interpretation of these words shall not taste of death.''' (1)
** I have not a devil; but I honour my Father, and ye do dishonour me. And I seek not mine own glory: there is one that seeketh and judgeth. Verily, verily, I say unto you, If a man keep my saying, he shall never see death. (''John'' 8:49–51)

* '''Let him who seeks continue seeking until he finds.''' When he finds, he will become troubled. When he becomes troubled, he will be astonished, and he will rule over [[the All]]. (2)

* If those who lead you say, 'See, the [[Kingdom of God|Kingdom]] is in the [[sky]],' then the [[birds]] of the sky will precede you. If they say to you, 'It is in the [[sea]],' then the [[fish]] will precede you. '''Rather, the Kingdom is inside of you, and it is outside of you. When you come to [[know]] [[yourselves]], then you will become known, and you will realize that it is you who are the sons of the living Father. But if you will not know yourselves, you dwell in [[poverty]] and it is you who are that poverty.''' (3)
** And when he was demanded of the Pharisees, when the kingdom of God should come, he answered them and said, '''The kingdom of God cometh not with observation: Neither shall they say, Lo here! or, lo there! for, behold, the kingdom of God is within you.''' (Luke 17:21)

* '''The man old in days will not hesitate to ask a small child seven days old about the place of [[life]], and he will live. For many who are first will become last, and they will become one and the same.''' (4)

* Recognize what is in your [[sight]], and that which is hidden from you will become plain to you. '''For there is [[nothing]] hidden which will not become manifest.''' (5)

* '''Do not tell [[lies]], and do not do what you [[hate]], for all things are plain in the sight of [[Heaven]]. For nothing hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain without being uncovered.''' (6)

* Blessed is the lion which becomes man when consumed by man; and cursed is the man whom the lion consumes, and the lion becomes man. (7)
** This saying has been interpreted by some as refering to such anger as consumes a man…(rather than is consumed by him, through his reason and love), 'til that man ''is'' the lion of Anger. Other more mystical interpretations might also be found or devised that have merit.

* The Kingdom is like a wise fisherman who cast his net into the sea and drew it up from the sea full of small fish. Among them the wise fisherman found a fine large fish. He threw all the small fish back into the sea and chose the large fish without difficulty. Whoever has ears to hear, let him hear. (8)

* Now the sower went out, took a handful (of seeds), and scattered them. Some fell on the road; the birds came and gathered them up. Others fell on the rock, did not take root in the soil, and did not produce ears. And others fell on thorns; they choked the seed and worms ate them. And others fell on the good soil and produced good fruit: it bore sixty per measure and a hundred and twenty per measure. (9)
** He spake many things unto them in parables, saying, Behold, a sower went forth to sow; And when he sowed, some seeds fell by the way side, and the fowls came and devoured them up: Some fell upon stony places, where they had not much earth: and forthwith they sprung up, because they had no deepness of earth: And when the sun was up, they were scorched; and because they had no root, they withered away. And some fell among thorns; and the thorns sprung up, and choked them: But other fell into good ground, and brought forth fruit, some an hundredfold, some sixtyfold, some thirtyfold. Who hath ears to hear, let him hear. (Matthew 13:3–9)
**see also: Mk4:3–8, Lk8:5–8

* '''I have cast fire upon the world, and see, I am guarding it until it blazes.''' (10)

* '''This heaven will pass away, and the one above it will pass away. The dead are not alive, and the living will not die.''' In the days when you consumed what is dead, you made it what is alive. When you come to dwell in the light, what will you do? On the day when you were one you became two. But when you become two, what will you do? (11)

* Jesus said to His disciples, &quot;Compare me to someone and tell Me whom I am like.&quot; Simon Peter said to Him, &quot;You are like a righteous angel.&quot; Matthew said to Him, &quot;You are like a wise philosopher.&quot; Thomas said to Him, &quot;'''Master, my mouth is wholly incapable of saying whom You are like.'''&quot; &lt;br /&gt; Jesus said, &quot;I am not your master. Because you have drunk, you have become intoxicated by the bubbling spring which I have measured out.&quot; And He took him and withdrew and told him three things. When Thomas returned to his companions, they asked him, &quot;What did Jesus say to you?&quot; Thomas said to them, &quot;If I tell you one of the things which he told me, you will pick up stones and throw them at me; a fire will come out of the stones and burn you up.&quot;(13)

* If you fast, you will give rise to sin for yourselves; and if you pray, you will be condemned; and if you give alms, you will do harm to your spirits. When you go into any land and walk about in the districts, if they receive you, eat what they will set before you, and heal the sick among them. For what goes into your mouth will not defile you, but that which issues from your mouth&amp;mdash;it is that which will defile you. (14)

* If the flesh came into being because of spirit, it is a wonder. But if spirit came into being because of the body, it is a wonder of wonders. Indeed, I am amazed at how this great wealth has made its home in this poverty. (29)

* '''Whoever blasphemes against the Father will be forgiven, and whoever blasphemes against the Son will be forgiven, but whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven either on earth or in heaven'''. (44)

*I disclose my mysteries to those who are worthy of my mysteries. (62)

*I will destroy this house, and no one will be able to build it....(71)

*Adam came from great power and great wealth, but he was not worthy of you. For had he been worthy, [he would] not [have tasted] death. (85)

*[Foxes have] their dens and birds have their nests, but human beings have no place to lay down and rest. (86)

* '''You read the [[face]] of the [[sky]] and of the [[earth]], but you have not recognized the one who is before you, and you do not know how to read this [[moment]].''' (91)

*One who seeks will find, and for [one who knocks] it will be opened (94)

*If you have money, don't lend it at interest. Rather, give [it] to someone from whom you won't get it back.&quot; (95)

*When you make the two into one, you will become children of Adam, and when you say, 'Mountain, move from here!' it will move (106)

*Whoever drinks from my mouth will become like me; I myself shall become that person, and the hidden things will be revealed to him. (108)

* His disciples said to Him, &quot;When will the Kingdom come?&quot; &lt;br /&gt; Jesus said, &quot;'''It will not come by waiting for it. It will not be a matter of saying 'Here it is' or 'There it is.' Rather, the Kingdom of the Father is spread out upon the earth, and men do not see it.'''&quot; (113)

* Simon Peter said to Him, &quot;Let Mary leave us, for women are not worthy of Life.&quot; Jesus said, &quot;I myself shall lead her in order to make her male, so that she too may become a living spirit resembling you males. For every woman who will make herself male will enter the Kingdom of Heaven.&quot; (114)

====Second Infancy Gospel of Jesus/[[w:Infancy Gospel of Thomas|The Infancy Gospel of Thomas]]====

* I, Thomas, an Israelite, judged it necessary to make known to our brethren among the Gentiles, the actions and miracles of Christ in his childhood, which our Lord and God Jesus Christ wrought after his birth in Bethlehem in our country, at which I myself was astonished; the beginning of which was as follows. When the child Jesus was five years of age and there had been a shower of rain that was now over, Jesus was playing with other Hebrew boys by a running stream, and the waters ran over the banks and stood in little lakes; But the water instantly became clear and useful again; they readily obeyed him after he touched them only by his word. Then he took from the bank of the stream some soft clay and formed out of it twelve sparrows; and there were other boys playing with him. But a certain Jew seeing the things which he was doing, namely, his forming clay into the figures of sparrows on the Sabbath day, went presently away and told his father Joseph, 6. Behold, your boy is playing by the river side, and has taken clay and formed it into twelve sparrows, and profanes the Sabbath. Then Joseph came to the place where he was, and when he saw him, called to him, and said, Why do you that which is not lawful to do on the Sabbath day? Then Jesus clapping together the palms of his hands, called to the sparrows, and said to them: Go, fly away; and while you live remember me. So the sparrows fled away, making a noise. The Jews seeing this, were astonished and went away and told their chief persons what a strange miracle they had seen wrought by Jesus.
** [http://ministries.tliquest.net/theology/apocryphas/nt/infancy2.htm &quot;Second Infancy Gospel of Jesus Christ&quot;], Chapter 1, 1-10, 140 CE.

=== [[w:Gospel of Judas|Gospel of Judas]] ===

* [Jesus laughs as he watches his disciples offering a prayer to God before Passover.]&lt;br/&gt; Disciples: Why are you laughing at us?&lt;br/&gt; Jesus says that he is laughing not at them but at their strange idea of pleasing their God.
** Jesus to his disciples from the [[w:Gospel_of_Judas|Judas]]. See &quot;[http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2006/04/17/060417crbo_books Jesus Laughed]&quot; and &quot;[http://www.slate.com/id/2139781/ Judas Saves: Why the lost gospel makes sense]&quot;.

* You will exceed all of them. For you will sacrifice the man that clothes me.
** Jesus to Judas, [[w:Gospel_of_Judas|Judas]]

* Judas: I know who you are and where you have come from. You are from the immortal realm of [[w:Barbelo|Barbelo]].&lt;br/&gt; Jesus: Step away from the others and I shall tell you the mysteries of the Kingdom.
** Exchange between Judas and Jesus from the [[w:Gospel_of_Judas|Judas]]. See &quot;[http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2006/04/17/060417crbo_books Jesus Laughed]&quot; and &quot;[http://www.slate.com/id/2139781/ Judas Saves: Why the lost gospel makes sense]&quot;.

* Only Judas has guessed the master aright—and has discerned that he comes from the heavenly realm of the god &quot;[[w:Barbelo|Barbelo]].&quot; In the realm of Barbelo, it seems, earthly pains are unknown and the fortunate inhabitants are free from the attentions of the God of the Old Testament. Jesus himself is descended in some fashion from Adam's third son, Seth. With Judas' help, he hopes to guide the seed of Seth back to the realm of Barbelo.
** A paraphrasing of Jesus' statements in the [[w:Gospel_of_Judas|Judas]] from &quot;[http://www.slate.com/id/2139781/ Judas Saves: Why the lost gospel makes sense]&quot;. See also &quot;[http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2006/04/17/060417crbo_books Jesus Laughed]&quot;.

* [O]ut beyond the stars, there exists a divine, blessed realm, free of the materiality of this earthly one. This is the realm of [[w:Barbelo|Barbelo]], a name that gnostics gave the celestial Mother, who lives there with, among others, her progeny, a good God awkwardly called the Self-Generated One. Jesus, it turns out, is not the son of the Old Testament God, whose retinue includes a rebellious creator known as [[w:Yaldabaoth|Yaldabaoth]], but an avatar of Adam’s third son, Seth. His mission is to show those lucky members of mankind who still have a “Sethian” spark the way back to the blessed realm. Jesus, we learn, was laughing at the disciples’ prayer because it was directed at their God, the Old Testament God, who is really no friend of mankind but, rather, the cause of its suffering.
** A paraphrasing of Jesus' statements in the [[w:Gospel_of_Judas|Judas]] from &quot;[http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2006/04/17/060417crbo_books Jesus Laughed]&quot;. See also &quot;[http://www.slate.com/id/2139781/ Judas Saves: Why the lost gospel makes sense]&quot;.

* Judas: I saw myself as the twelve disciples were [[stoning]] me.&lt;br/&gt; Jesus: You will be cursed by the other generations … you will come to rule over them.
** Exchange between Judas and Jesus from the [[w:Gospel_of_Judas|Judas]]. See &quot;[http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2006/04/17/060417crbo_books Jesus Laughed]&quot; and &quot;[http://www.slate.com/id/2139781/ Judas Saves: Why the lost gospel makes sense]&quot;.

* Lift up your eyes and look at the cloud and the light within it and the stars surrounding it. The star that leads the way is your star.
** Jesus to Judas, [[w:Gospel_of_Judas|Judas]]. See &quot;[http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2006/04/17/060417crbo_books Jesus Laughed]&quot; and &quot;[http://www.slate.com/id/2139781/ Judas Saves: Why the lost gospel makes sense]&quot;.

=== [[Berlin Codex]] ===
==== [[Gospel of Mary]] ====
:&lt;small&gt;[http://www.gnosis.org/library/marygosp.htm Text online]&lt;/small&gt;

* '''[[All]] [[natures]], all formed things, all [[creatures]] [[exist]] in and with one another and will again be resolved into their own roots, because the nature of matter is dissolved into the roots of its nature alone. He who has ears to hear, let him hear.'''

* There is no [[sin]], but it is you who make sin when you do the things that are like the nature of [[adultery]], which is called sin.&lt;br&gt;That is why the [[Good]] came into your midst, to the [[essence]] of every nature in order to restore it to its root.&lt;br&gt;Then He continued and said, That is why you become [[sick]] and [[die]], for you are deprived of [[the one]] who can [[heal]] you.
** Chapter 4, in response to a question by Peter: &quot;Since you have now explained all things to us, tell us this: what is the sin of the world?&quot;
** Adultery is also translated as &quot;fornication&quot;. [http://www.sacred-texts.com/chr/apo/marym.htm]

* Matter gave [[birth]] to a [[passion]] that has no equal, which proceeded from something contrary to nature. Then there arises a disturbance in its whole body.
** Chapter 4.

* Be of good courage, and if you are discouraged, still take courage over against the various forms of nature. He who has ears to hear, let him hear.
** Chapter 4.

* '''Peace be with you. Receive my peace unto yourselves. Beware that no one lead you astray saying Lo here or lo there! For the Son of Man is within you.''' Follow after Him! Those who seek Him will find Him. Go then and preach the gospel of the Kingdom. '''Do not lay down any rules beyond what I appointed you, and do not give a law like the lawgiver lest you be constrained by it.'''
**Chapter 4.
** Peace be with you. Receive my peace for yourselves. Take heed lest anyone lead you astray with the words, 'Lo, here!' or 'Lo, there!' for the Son of Man is within you. Follow him; those who seek him will find him. Go, therefore, and preach the Gospel of the Kingdom. I have left no commandment but what I have commanded you, and I have given you no law, as the lawgiver did, lest you be bound by it.
** Variant translation. [http://www.sacred-texts.com/chr/apo/marym.htm]

==[[w:New Testament apocrypha|Apocrypha]]==

=== First Infancy Gospel of Jesus Christ/[[w:Syriac Infancy Gospel|The Arabic Gospel of the Infancy of the Saviour]] ===
* And when the Lord Jesus was seven years of age, he was on a certain day with other boys his companions about the same age. Who at play made clay into several shapes, namely, asses, oxen, birds, and other figures. Each boasting of his work and endeavoring to exceed the rest. Then the Lord Jesus said to the boys, I will command these figures which I have made to walk. And immediately they moved, and when he commanded them to return, they returned. He had also made the figures of birds and sparrows, which, when he commanded to fly, did fly, and when he commanded to stand still, did stand still; and if he gave them meat and drink, they did eat and drink. When at length the boys went away and related these things to their parents, their fathers said to them, Take heed, children, for the future, of his company, for he is a sorcerer; shun and avoid him, and from now on never play with him.
** [http://ministries.tliquest.net/theology/apocryphas/nt/infancy1.htm &quot;The First Gospel of the Infancy of Jesus Christ&quot;], Chapter 15, 1-7, 400 CE.

=== [[w:Gospel of Pseudo-Matthew|Gospel of Pseudo-Matthew]] ===

* And it came to pass on the third day of their journey, while they were walking, that the blessed Mary was fatigued by the excessive heat of the sun in the desert; and seeing a palm tree, she said to Joseph: Let me rest a little under the shade of this tree. Joseph therefore made haste, and led her to the palm, and made her come down from her beast. And as the blessed Mary was sitting there, she looked up to the foliage of the palm, and saw it full of fruit, and said to Joseph: I wish it were possible to get some of the fruit of this palm. And Joseph said to her: I wonder that thou sayest this, when thou seest how high the palm tree is; and that thou thinkest of eating of its fruit. I am thinking more of the want of water, because the skins are now empty, and we have none wherewith to refresh ourselves and our cattle. Then the child Jesus, with a joyful countenance, reposing in the bosom of His mother, said to the palm: O tree, bend thy branches, and refresh my mother with thy fruit. And immediately at these words the palm bent its top down to the very feet of the blessed Mary; and they gathered from it fruit, with which they were all refreshed. And after they had gathered all its fruit, it remained bent down, waiting the order to rise from Him who had commanded it to stoop. Then Jesus said to it: Raise thyself, O palm tree, and be strong, and be the companion of my trees, which are in the paradise of my Father; and open from thy roots a vein of water which has been hid in the earth, and let the waters flow, so that we may be satisfied from thee. And it rose up immediately, and at its root there began to come forth a spring of water exceedingly clear and cool and sparkling. And when they saw the spring of water, they rejoiced with great joy, and were satisfied, themselves and all their cattle and their beasts. Wherefore they gave thanks to God.
** &quot;The Gospel of Pseudo-Matthew&quot; Chapter 20, (8th-9th century CE)

==[[w:Gospel of Barnabas|Gospel of Barnabas]] (c. 16th century AD manuscript) ==
[[File:Jesus ascends to heaven.jpg|thumb|Cursed be every one who shall insert into my sayings that I am the son of God. ~ Jesus in [[w:Gospel of Barnabas|Gospel of Barnabas]]]]

* All which a man loves, for which he leaves everything else but that, is his god, thus the glutton and drunkard has for his idol his own flesh, the fornicator has for his idol the harlot and the greedy has for his idol silver and gold, and so the same for every other sinner.
** Ch. 33

* And having said this, Jesus smote his face with both his hands, and then smote the ground with his head. And having raised his head, he said: &quot;'''Cursed be every one who shall insert into my sayings that I am the son of God.'''&quot; At these words the disciples fell down as dead, whereupon Jesus lifted them up, saying: 'Let us fear God now, if we would not be affrighted in that day.'
** Ch. 53

* Jesus answered: &quot;As God lives, in whose presence my soul stands, I am not the Messiah whom all the tribes of the earth expect, even as God promised to our father Abraham, saying: &quot;In your seed will I bless all the tribes of the earth.&quot; But '''when God shall take me away from the world, Satan will raise again this accursed sedition, by making the impious believe that I am God and son of God, whence my words and my doctrine shall be contaminated''', insomuch that scarcely shall there remain thirty faithful ones: whereupon God will have mercy upon the world&quot;
** Ch. 97

[[File:Bécs 010 (4282133536).jpg|thumb|All which a man loves, for which he leaves everything else but that, is his god. ]]
* Jesus answered: &quot;Believe me, Barnabas that I cannot weep as much as I ought. For if men had not called me God, I should have seen God here as he will be seen in paradise, and should have been safe not to fear the day of judgment. But God knows that I am innocent, because never have I harboured thought to be held more than a poor slave. No, '''I tell you that if I had not been called God I should have been carried into paradise when I shall depart from the world, whereas now I shall not go thither until the judgment.''' Now you see if I have cause to weep.&quot;
** Ch. 112

* And '''though I have been innocent in the world, since men have called me &quot;God,&quot; and &quot;Son of God,&quot; God, in order that I be not mocked of the demons on the day of judgment, has willed that I be mocked of men in this world by the death of Judas;, making all men to believe that I died upon the cross'''.
** Ch. 220

==The Book of Mormon and LDS Scripture==

===The Book of Mormon (1830)===
:&lt;small&gt;This section contains quotes by Jesus that occur in the ''[[w:Book of Mormon|Book of Mormon]]'' and ''[[w:LDS|Mormon]] Scriptures''&lt;/small&gt;

* Behold, I am Jesus Christ. I am the Father and the Son.
** ''[[s:Book of Mormon|The Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Ether|Ether]] [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Ether#Chapter_Three|3:14]]. Jesus is both the Father ''and'' the Son.

* Behold, that great city Zarahemla have I burned with fire, and the inhabitants thereof.&lt;br/&gt; And behold, that great city Moroni have I caused to be sunk in the depths of the sea, and the inhabitants thereof to be drowned.&lt;br/&gt; And behold, that great city Moronihah have I covered with earth, …&lt;br/&gt; And behold, the city of Gilgal have I caused to be sunk, and the inhabitants thereof to be buried up in the depths of the earth;&lt;br/&gt; Yea, and the city of Onihah and the inhabitants thereof, and the city of Mocum and the inhabitants thereof, and the city of Jerusalem and the inhabitants thereof; and waters have I caused to come up in the stead thereof, to hide their wickedness and abominations from before my face, …&lt;br/&gt; And behold, the city of Gadiandi, and the city of Gadiomnah, and the city of Jacob, and the city of Gimgimno, all these have I caused to be sunk, …&lt;br/&gt; that great city Jacobugath, which was inhabited by the people of king Jacob, have I caused to be burned with fire …&lt;br/&gt; the city of Laman, and the city of Josh, and the city of Gad, and the city of Kishkumen, have I caused to be burned with fire, and the inhabitants thereof, because of their wickedness in casting out the prophets, and stoning those whom I did send to declare unto them concerning their wickedness and their abominations.&lt;br/&gt; And because they did cast them all out, that there were none righteous among them, I did send down fire and destroy them, …&lt;br/&gt; And many great destructions have I caused to come upon this land, and upon this people, …&lt;br/&gt; Behold, I am Jesus Christ the Son of God.
** ''[[s:Book of Mormon|The Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book_of_Mormon/3_Nephi|3 Nephi]] [[s:Book_of_Mormon/3_Nephi#Chapter_Nine|9:3–15]]

* Behold I have given unto you my gospel, and this is the gospel which I have given unto you—that I came into the world to do the will of my Father, because my Father sent me. And my Father sent me that I might be lifted up upon the cross; and after that I had been lifted up upon the cross, that I might draw all men unto me, that as I have been lifted up by men even so should men be lifted up by the Father, to stand before me, to be judged of their works, whether they be good or whether they be evil— And for this cause have I been lifted up; therefore, according to the power of the Father I will draw all men unto me, that they may be judged according to their works. And it shall come to pass, that whoso repenteth and is baptized in my name shall be filled; and if he endureth to the end, behold, him will I hold guiltless before my Father at that day when I shall stand to judge the world. And he that endureth not unto the end, the same is he that is also hewn down and cast into the fire, from whence they can no more return, because of the justice of the Father. And this is the word which he hath given unto the children of men. And for this cause he fulfilleth the words which he hath given, and he lieth not, but fulfilleth all his words. And no unclean thing can enter into his kingdom; therefore nothing entereth into his rest save it be those who have washed their garments in my blood, because of their faith, and the repentance of all their sins, and their faithfulness unto the end.
** ''[[s:Book of Mormon|The Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book_of_Mormon/3_Nephi|3 Nephi]] [[s:Book_of_Mormon/3_Nephi#Chapter_Twenty-seven|27:13–19]]. In the Book of Mormon, Jesus Christ gave a specific definition of ''the gospel''.

===Doctrine and Covenants===
* I was in the beginning with the Father, and am the Firstborn[.]
** [[w:Jesus|Jesus]], ''[[w:Doctrine and Covenants|Doctrine and Covenants]]'', [[s:The_Doctrine_and_Covenants/Section_93|93:21]]

* Verily, thus saith the Lord unto you my servant [[w:Joseph Smith, Jr.|Joseph]], that inasmuch as you have inquired of my hand to know and understand wherein I, the Lord, justified my servants Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, as also Moses, David and Solomon, my servants, as touching '''the principle and doctrine of their having many wives and concubines—'''&lt;br/&gt; Behold, and lo, I am the Lord thy God, and will answer thee as touching this matter.&lt;br/&gt; Therefore, prepare thy heart to receive and obey the instructions which I am about to give unto you; for all those who have this law revealed unto them must obey the same.&lt;br/&gt; For behold, '''I reveal unto you a new and an everlasting covenant; and if ye abide not that covenant, then are ye damned; for no one can reject this covenant and be permitted to enter into my glory.''' …&lt;br/&gt; if a man marry a wife by my word, which is my law, and by the new and everlasting covenant, and it is sealed unto them by the Holy Spirit of promise, by him who is anointed, unto whom I have appointed this power and the keys of this priesthood …&lt;br/&gt; Then shall ''they be gods'', because they have no end …&lt;br/&gt; to know the only wise and true God, and '''[[w:Jesus Christ|Jesus Christ]], whom he hath sent. I am he. Receive ye, therefore, my law.''' …&lt;br/&gt; God commanded Abraham, and Sarah gave Hagar to Abraham to wife. And why did she do it? Because this was the law; and from Hagar sprang many people. This, therefore, was fulfilling, among other things, the promises. …&lt;br/&gt; Was Abraham, therefore, under condemnation? Verily I say unto you, Nay; for I, the Lord, commanded it. …&lt;br/&gt; Abraham received concubines, and they bore him children; and it was accounted unto him for righteousness, because they were given unto him, and he abode in my law; as Isaac also and Jacob did none other things than that which they were commanded; and because they did none other things than that which they were commanded, they have entered into their exaltation, according to the promises, and sit upon thrones, and are not angels but are gods.&lt;br/&gt; David also received ''many wives and concubines'', and also Solomon and Moses my servants, as also many others of my servants, from the beginning of creation until this time; and in nothing did they sin save in those things which they received not of me. …&lt;br/&gt; David's ''wives and concubines'' were given unto him of me …&lt;br/&gt; And let mine handmaid, [[w:Emma Smith|Emma Smith]], receive all those that have been given unto my servant [[w:Joseph Smith, Jr.|Joseph]] …&lt;br/&gt; Let no one, therefore, set on my servant [[w:Joseph Smith, Jr.|Joseph]]; for I will justify him …&lt;br/&gt; as pertaining to the law of the priesthood—'''if any man espouse a virgin, and desire to espouse another, and the first give her consent, and if he espouse the second, and they are virgins, and have vowed to no other man, then is he justified; he cannot commit adultery for they are given unto him; for he cannot commit adultery with that that belongeth unto him and to no one else.'''&lt;br/&gt; '''And if he have ten virgins given unto him by this law, he cannot commit adultery, for they belong to him, and they are given unto him; therefore is he justified.''' …&lt;br/&gt; [T]hen shall she believe and administer unto him, or she shall be destroyed, saith the Lord your God; for I will destroy her; … if she receive not this law … she then becomes the transgressor; and he is exempt[.]
** [[w:Jesus Christ|Jesus Christ]], speaking through [[w:Joseph Smith, Jr.|Joseph Smith]]'s 12 July [[w:1843 polygamy revelation|1843 polygamy revelation]] on [[w:plural marriage|plural marriage]] and His demand that [[w:Emma Smith|Emma Smith]], the first wife, accept all of [[w:Joseph Smith, Jr.|Joseph Smith]]'s plural wives; ''[[w:Doctrine and Covenants|Doctrine and Covenants]]'', [[s:The_Doctrine_and_Covenants/Section_132|132:1–4, 19, 20, 24, 34, 35, 38, 39, 52, 60–66]].

== Quotes about Jesus ==
[[File:Christianity-Jesus Christ Died for your Sin.jpg|thumb|If the church ... does not make God's liberation of the oppressed central in its mission and proclamation, how can it rest easy with a condemned criminal as the dominant symbol of its message? ~ [[James Cone]]]]
[[File:Mona Haydar and James Hal Cone.jpg|thumb|By becoming poor and entrusting divine revelation to a carpenter from Nazareth, God makes clear where one has to be in order to hear the divine word and experience divine presence. ~ [[James Cone]]]]
[[File:Empress_Zoe_mosaic_Hagia_Sophia.jpg|thumb|In Jesus, God wills to be true God not only in the height but also in the depth — in the depth of human creatureliness, sinfulness and mortality. ~ [[Karl Barth]] ]]
[[File:Rembrandt Jesus and his Disciples.jpg|thumb|As to Jesus of Nazareth, my Opinion of whom you particularly desire, I think the System of Morals and his Religion, as he left them to us, the best the world ever saw or is likely to see; but I apprehend it has received various corrupt changes... ~ [[Benjamin Franklin]] ]]
[[File:A place of worship (2444233066).jpg|thumb|The sublime title &quot;[[wikt:Χριστός|Christ]]&quot; is an adjective which only receives its specific value from the specificity of the noun, Jesus of Nazareth. If Jesus is forgotten, then it becomes possible to fill the adjective with whatever suits at the time, without checking whether Jesus was like that or not, or whether this means leaving the world sunk in its wretchedness or not; or worse still, without asking if this image legitimates the tragedy of the world or brings liberation from it. ~ [[Jon Sobrino]]]]
&lt;small&gt;''Sorted by historical period and date, with sections for quotes from major religious works.''&lt;/small&gt;

=== [[New Testament]] ===
* ὁ λέγων ἐν αὐτῷ μένειν ὀφείλει καθὼς ἐκεῖνος περιεπάτησεν καὶ αὐτὸς οὕτως περιπατεῖν.
** Whoever claims to live in him must live as Jesus did.
*** [[First Epistle of John|1 John]] 2:6 [[New International Version|NIV]]

* For, indeed, while we were still weak, Christ died for ungodly men at the appointed time. For hardly would anyone die for a righteous man; though perhaps for a good man someone may dare to die. But God recommends his own love to us in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.
** [[Paul of Tarsus]], [[Romans]], 5:6-8; New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures (2013 Revision)

====He rose again the third day, 1 Corinthians 15:4====
* After the Sabbath, at dawn on the first day of the week, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went to look at the tomb. There was a violent earthquake, for an angel of the Lord came down from heaven and, going to the tomb, rolled back the stone and sat on it.
* On the first day of the week came Mary Magdalene early, when it was yet dark, unto the sepulcher and saw the stone taken away from the sepulcher.
** ''[[w:The Bible|The Bible]]'' on the discovery of Jesus' absence from the tomb, [[w:Gospel of Matthew|Matthew]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2028:1-2;&amp;version=31; 28:1–2]'s account of the discovery of the tomb (two Mary's arrive at the tomb after sunrise, but before the stone had been removed) versus [[w:Gospel of John|John]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John%2020:1;&amp;version=48; 20:1]'s account (one Mary arrives at the tomb before sunrise, but after the stone had been removed).

* So the women hurried away from the tomb, afraid yet filled with joy, and ran to tell his disciples. Suddenly Jesus met them. &quot;Greetings,&quot; he said. They came to him, clasped his feet and worshiped him.
* Jesus said unto her, &quot;Touch Me not, for I am not yet ascended to My Father …&quot;
** ''[[w:The Bible|The Bible]]'' on the location and events of the resurrected Jesus' first appearance, [[w:Gospel of Matthew|Matthew]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2028:8-9;&amp;version=31; 28:8–9]'s account of the appearance of the resurrected Jesus (Jesus appears away from that tomb, and the Mary's touch his feet; see also [[w:Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%2024:13-15;&amp;version=31; 24:13–15] in which Jesus appears on the road to [[w:Emmaus|Emmaus]], seven miles from [[w:Jerusalem|Jerusalem]]) versus [[w:Gospel of John|John]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John%2020:11-17;&amp;version=48; 20:17]'s account (Jesus appears at the tomb and tells Mary not to touch him).

&lt;table border=&quot;1&quot;&gt;
&lt;tr&gt;
&lt;th colspan=&quot;4&quot;&gt;Holy Bible – the first Easter Sunday morning&lt;/th&gt;
&lt;/tr&gt;
&lt;tr&gt;&lt;td colspan=&quot;4&quot;&gt;&lt;ul&gt;
&lt;li&gt;Regarding The Evidence for the Resurrection, please see [[#AndersonJND1950|Anderson 1950, below]].&lt;/li&gt;
&lt;li&gt;For &quot;Easter Enigma – Are the Resurrection Accounts in Conflict?&quot;, please see [[#WenhamJW2005|Wenham 2005, below]].&lt;/li&gt;
&lt;li&gt;The table lists all the verses, according to the KJV, always in verse order.&lt;/li&gt;
&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/td&gt;&lt;/tr&gt;
&lt;tr&gt;
&lt;th&gt;Matthew&lt;/th&gt;
&lt;th&gt;Mark&lt;/th&gt;
&lt;th&gt;Luke&lt;/th&gt;
&lt;th&gt;John&lt;/th&gt;
&lt;/tr&gt;
&lt;tr&gt;&lt;td&gt;&lt;p&gt;Mt ch28&lt;/p&gt;
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:1&quot;&gt;1&lt;/span&gt; In the end of the sabbath, as it began to dawn toward the first day of the week, came [&quot;went&quot; (NIV)] Mary Magdalene and the other Mary to see the sepulchre.&lt;/p&gt;
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Mk ch16
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mk 16:1&quot;&gt;1&lt;/span&gt; And when the sabbath was past, Mary Magdalene, and Mary the mother of James, and Salome, had bought sweet spices, that they might come and anoint him.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mk 16:2&quot;&gt;2&lt;/span&gt; And very early in the morning the first day of the week, they came [&quot;were on their way&quot; (NIV)] unto the sepulchre at the rising of the sun.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mk 16:3&quot;&gt;3&lt;/span&gt; And they said among themselves, Who shall roll us away the stone from the door of the sepulchre?
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Lk ch24
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Lk 24:1&quot;&gt;1&lt;/span&gt; Now upon the first day of the week, very early in the morning, they came [&quot;went&quot; (NIV)] unto the sepulchre, bringing the spices which they had prepared, and certain others with them.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Jn ch20
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:1&quot;&gt;1&lt;/span&gt; The first day of the week cometh [&quot;went&quot; (NKJV, NIV, Wenham 2005 pp81f)] Mary Magdalene early, when it was yet dark, unto the sepulchre,
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;/tr&gt;

&lt;tr&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Mt ch28
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:2&quot;&gt;2&lt;/span&gt; And, behold, there was [&quot;had been&quot; (KJV margin, Wenham 2005 p78)] a great earthquake: for the angel of the Lord [&quot;had&quot; (Wenham 2005 p78)] descended from heaven, and came [&quot;had come&quot; (Wenham 2005 p78)] and rolled back the stone from the door, and sat upon it.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:3&quot;&gt;3&lt;/span&gt; His countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow:
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:4&quot;&gt;4&lt;/span&gt; And for fear of him the keepers did shake, and became [&quot;had trembled and become&quot; (Wenham 2005 p78)] as dead men.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;/tr&gt;

&lt;tr&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Mk ch16
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mk 16:4&quot;&gt;4&lt;/span&gt; And when they looked, they saw that the stone was rolled away: for it was very great.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Lk ch24
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Lk 24:2&quot;&gt;2&lt;/span&gt; And they found the stone rolled away from the sepulchre.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Jn ch20
&lt;p&gt;and seeth the stone taken away from the sepulchre.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:2&quot;&gt;2&lt;/span&gt; Then she runneth, and cometh to Simon Peter, and to the other disciple, whom Jesus loved, and saith unto them, They have taken away the Lord out of the sepulchre, and we know not where they have laid him.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;/tr&gt;

&lt;tr&gt;&lt;td colspan=&quot;4&quot;&gt;&lt;ul&gt;.


&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/td&gt;&lt;/tr&gt;

&lt;tr&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Mt ch28
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:5&quot;&gt;5&lt;/span&gt; And the angel answered and said unto the women, Fear not ye: for I know that ye seek Jesus, which was crucified.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:6&quot;&gt;6&lt;/span&gt; He is not here: for he is risen, as he said. Come, see the place where the Lord lay.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:7&quot;&gt;7&lt;/span&gt; And go quickly, and tell his disciples that he is risen from the dead; and, behold, he goeth before you into Galilee; there shall ye see him: lo, I have told you.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:8&quot;&gt;8&lt;/span&gt; And they departed quickly from the sepulchre with fear and great joy; and did run to bring his disciples word.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Mk ch16
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mk 16:5&quot;&gt;5&lt;/span&gt; And entering into the sepulchre, they saw a young man sitting on the right side, clothed in a long white garment; and they were affrighted.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mk 16:6&quot;&gt;6&lt;/span&gt; And he saith unto them, Be not affrighted: Ye seek Jesus of Nazareth, which was crucified: he is risen; he is not here: behold the place where they laid him.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mk 16:7&quot;&gt;7&lt;/span&gt; But go your way, tell his disciples and Peter that he goeth before you into Galilee: there shall ye see him, as he said unto you.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mk 16:8&quot;&gt;8&lt;/span&gt; And they went out quickly, and fled from the sepulchre; for they trembled and were amazed: neither said they any thing to any man; for they were afraid.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Lk ch24
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Lk 24:3&quot;&gt;3&lt;/span&gt; And they entered in, and found not the body of the Lord Jesus.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Lk 24:4&quot;&gt;4&lt;/span&gt; And it came to pass, as they were much perplexed thereabout, behold, two men [&quot;angels&quot; (Luke 24:23)] stood by [&quot;[or] appear[ed] to&quot; (Wenham 2005 p85)] them in shining garments:
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Lk 24:5&quot;&gt;5&lt;/span&gt; And as they were afraid, and bowed down their faces to the earth, they said unto them, Why seek ye the living among the dead?
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Lk 24:6&quot;&gt;6&lt;/span&gt; He is not here, but is risen: remember how he spake unto you when he was yet in Galilee,
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Lk 24:7&quot;&gt;7&lt;/span&gt; Saying, The Son of man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men, and be crucified, and the third day rise again.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Lk 24:8&quot;&gt;8&lt;/span&gt; And they remembered his words,
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;/tr&gt;

&lt;tr&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Jn ch20
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:3&quot;&gt;3&lt;/span&gt; Peter therefore went forth, and that other disciple, and came to the sepulchre.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:4&quot;&gt;4&lt;/span&gt; So they ran both together: and the other disciple did outrun Peter, and came first to the sepulchre.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:5&quot;&gt;5&lt;/span&gt; And he stooping down, and looking in, saw the linen clothes lying; yet went he not in.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:6&quot;&gt;6&lt;/span&gt; Then cometh Simon Peter following him, and went into the sepulchre, and seeth the linen clothes lie,
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:7&quot;&gt;7&lt;/span&gt; And the napkin, that was about his head, not lying with the linen clothes, but wrapped together in a place by itself.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:8&quot;&gt;8&lt;/span&gt; Then went in also that other disciple, which came first to the sepulchre, and he saw, and believed.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:9&quot;&gt;9&lt;/span&gt; For as yet they knew not the scripture, that he must rise again from the dead.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:10&quot;&gt;10&lt;/span&gt; Then the disciples went away again unto their own home.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;/tr&gt;

&lt;tr&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Mk ch16
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mk 16:9&quot;&gt;9&lt;/span&gt; Now when Jesus was risen early the first day of the week, he appeared first to Mary Magdalene, out of whom he had cast seven devils.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Jn ch20
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:11&quot;&gt;11&lt;/span&gt; But Mary stood without at the sepulchre weeping: and as she wept, she stooped down, and looked into the sepulchre,
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:12&quot;&gt;12&lt;/span&gt; And seeth two angels in white sitting, the one at the head, and the other at the feet, where the body of Jesus had lain.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:13&quot;&gt;13&lt;/span&gt; And they say unto her, Woman, why weepest thou? She saith unto them, Because they have taken away my Lord, and I know not where they have laid him.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:14&quot;&gt;14&lt;/span&gt; And when she had thus said, she turned herself back, and saw Jesus standing, and knew not that it was Jesus.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:15&quot;&gt;15&lt;/span&gt; Jesus saith unto her, Woman, why weepest thou? whom seekest thou? She, supposing him to be the gardener, saith unto him, Sir, if thou have borne him hence, tell me where thou hast laid him, and I will take him away.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:16&quot;&gt;16&lt;/span&gt; Jesus saith unto her, Mary. She turned herself, and saith unto him, Rabboni; which is to say, Master.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:17&quot;&gt;17&lt;/span&gt; Jesus saith unto her, Touch me not; for I am not yet ascended to my Father: but go to my brethren, and say unto them, I ascend unto my Father, and your Father; and to my God, and your God.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;/tr&gt;

&lt;tr&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Mt ch28
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:9&quot;&gt;9&lt;/span&gt; And as they went to tell his disciples, behold, Jesus met them, saying, All hail. And they came and held him by the feet, and worshipped him.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:10&quot;&gt;10&lt;/span&gt; Then said Jesus unto them, Be not afraid: go tell my brethren that they go into Galilee, and there shall they see me.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;/tr&gt;

&lt;tr&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Mk ch16
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mk 16:10&quot;&gt;10&lt;/span&gt; And she went and told them that had been with him, as they mourned and wept.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mk 16:11&quot;&gt;11&lt;/span&gt; And they, when they had heard that he was alive, and had been seen of her, believed not.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Lk ch24
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Lk 24:9&quot;&gt;9&lt;/span&gt; And returned from the sepulchre, and told all these things unto the eleven, and to all the rest.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Lk 24:10&quot;&gt;10&lt;/span&gt; It was Mary Magdalene and Joanna, and Mary the mother of James, and other women that were with them, which told these things unto the apostles.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Lk 24:11&quot;&gt;11&lt;/span&gt; And their words seemed to them as idle tales, and they believed them not.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Jn ch20
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:18&quot;&gt;18&lt;/span&gt; Mary Magdalene came and told the disciples that she had seen the Lord, and that he had spoken these things unto her.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;/tr&gt;

&lt;tr&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Mt ch28
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:11&quot;&gt;11&lt;/span&gt; Now when they were going, behold, some of the watch came into the city, and shewed unto the chief priests all the things that were done.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:12&quot;&gt;12&lt;/span&gt; And when they were assembled with the elders, and had taken counsel, they gave large money unto the soldiers,
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:13&quot;&gt;13&lt;/span&gt; Saying, Say ye, His disciples came by night, and stole him away while we slept.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:14&quot;&gt;14&lt;/span&gt; And if this come to the governor's ears, we will persuade him, and secure you.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:15&quot;&gt;15&lt;/span&gt; So they took the money, and did as they were taught: and this saying is commonly reported among the Jews until this day.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;/tr&gt;

&lt;tr&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Lk ch24
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Lk 24:12&quot;&gt;12&lt;/span&gt; Then arose Peter, and ran unto the sepulchre; and stooping down, he beheld the linen clothes laid by themselves, and departed, wondering in himself at that which was come to pass.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;/tr&gt;
&lt;/table&gt;

====Sources====
*I indeed baptize you with water unto repentance: but he that cometh after me is mightier than I, whose shoes I am not worthy to bear: he shall baptize you with the Holy Ghost, and with fire: Whose fan is in his hand, and he will throughly purge his floor, and gather his wheat into the garner; but he will burn up the chaff with unquenchable fire.
**[[w;John the Baptist|John the Baptist]] [[w:Gospel of Matthew|Gospel of Matthew]] [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 3:11-12] King James Version.

*In this was manifested the love of God toward us, because that God sent his only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through him. Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins.
**John, [[w:First Epistle of John|1 John]][http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=5357535 4:9–10] King James Version.

*Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that ye should follow his steps: Who did no sin, neither was guile found in his mouth: Who, when he was reviled, reviled not again; when he suffered, he threatened not; but committed himself to him that judgeth righteously: Who his own self bare our sins in his own body on the tree, that we, being dead to sins, should live unto righteousness: by whose stripes ye were healed.
**[[w:Saint Peter|Peter]], [[w:First Epistle of Peter|1 Peter]][http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=5332719 2:22–24] King James Version.

* If you are insulted because of the name of Christ, you are blessed, for the Spirit of glory and of God rests on you.
** [[w:Saint Peter|Peter]], [[w:First Epistle of Peter|1 Peter]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20Peter%204:14;&amp;version=31; 4:14]

* For he must rule as [[king]] until [[God]] has put all enemies under his feet. And the last enemy, [[death]], is to be brought to nothing.
** [[Paul of Tarsus]], 1 Corinthians [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/1-corinthians/15/ 15: 25-26], [[NWT]]

* Worship God! For the testimony of Jesus is the spirit of prophecy. &lt;br/&gt; Now I saw heaven opened, and behold, a white horse. And He who sat on him was called Faithful and True, and in righteousness He judges and makes war. &lt;br/&gt; His eyes were like a flame of fire, and on His head were many crowns. He had a name written that no one knew except Himself. &lt;br/&gt; He was clothed with a robe dipped in blood, and His name is called The Word of God. … &lt;br/&gt; Now out of His mouth goes a sharp sword, that with it He should strike the nations. And He Himself will rule them with a rod of iron. He Himself treads the winepress of the fierceness and wrath of Almighty God. &lt;br/&gt; And He has on His robe and on His thigh a name written: &lt;blockquote&gt;KING OF KINGS AND LORD OF LORDS.&lt;/blockquote&gt; Then I saw an angel standing in the sun; and he cried with a loud voice, saying to all the birds that fly in the midst of heaven, “Come and gather together for the supper of the great God, &lt;br/&gt; that you may eat the flesh of kings, the flesh of captains, the flesh of mighty men, the flesh of horses and of those who sit on them, and the flesh of all people, free and slave, both small and great.” &lt;br/&gt; And I saw the beast, the kings of the earth, and their armies, gathered together to make war against Him who sat on the horse and against His army. &lt;br/&gt; Then the beast was captured, and with him the false prophet who worked signs in his presence, by which he deceived those who received the mark of the beast and those who worshiped his image. These two were cast alive into the lake of fire burning with brimstone. &lt;br/&gt; And the rest were killed with the sword which proceeded from the mouth of Him who sat on the horse. And all the birds were filled with their flesh.
** ''[[w:The Bible|The Bible]]'', [[w:Book of Revelation|Revelation]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Revelation%2019:10-21;&amp;version=9; 19:10–21] (NKJV) This passage has been interpreted by some as referring to the [[w:Second Coming|Second Coming]] of [[w:Jesus|Jesus Christ]], and by others as not actually referring to Jesus, but some herald of the ultimate triumph of [[w:Christ|Christ]].

=== Josephus ===
* Now there was about this time Jesus, a wise man, if it be lawful to call him a man; for he was a doer of wonderful works, a teacher of such men as receive the truth with pleasure. He drew over to him both many of the Jews and many of the Gentiles. He was [the] Christ. And when Pilate, at the suggestion of the principal men amongst us, had condemned him to the cross, those that loved him at the first did not forsake him; for he appeared to them alive again the third day; as the divine prophets had foretold these and ten thousand other wonderful things concerning him. And the tribe of Christians, so named from him, are not extinct at this day.
** [[w:Josephus|Titus Flavius Josephus]], ''[[w:Antiquities of the Jews|Antiquities of the Jews]]'' (c. 93–94 AD), [http://en.wikisource.org/wiki/The_Antiquities_of_the_Jews/Book_XVIII#Chapter_3 Book 18, Chapter 3, 3]. See also [[w:Josephus on Jesus|Josephus on Jesus]] at Wikipedia.

=== The Apostles' Creed ===

{|
| I believe in God the Father Almighty, ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 Corinthians#8:6|1 Corinthians 8:6]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Revelation#1:8|Revelation 1:8]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Isaiah#44:6|Isaiah 44:6]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/2 Corinthians#6:18|2 Corinthians 6:18]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Ephesians#4:6|Ephesians 4:6]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Revelation#19:6|Revelation 19:6]];
|-
| Maker of heaven and earth: ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#1:1|John 1:1-3]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Genesis#1:1|Genesis 1:1-3]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#14:15|Acts 14:15]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#17:24|Acts 17:24-26]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Hebrews#11:3|Hebrews 11:3]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Nehemiah#9:6|Nehemiah 9:6]];
|-
| And in Jesus Christ his only Son our Lord, ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#20:28|John 20:28]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#3:16|John 3:16]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#1:18|John 1:18]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 John#4:9|1 John 4:9]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#10:30|John 10:30,36-38]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#4:10|Acts 4:10-12]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Colossians#1:15|Colossians 1:15-19]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Colossians#2:3|Colossians 2:3,9]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Proverbs#30:4|Proverbs 30:4]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Luke#2:11|Luke 2:11]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 Corinthians#8:6|1 Corinthians 8:6]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/2 Peter#1:16|2 Peter 1:16-18]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Romans#8:31|Romans 8:31-34]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Romans#9:5|Romans 9:5]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Matthew#28:18|Matthew 28:18-19]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 Timothy#3:16|1 Timothy 3:16]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Matthew#4:14|Matthew 4:14-16]];
|-
| Who was conceived by the Holy Ghost, ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Matthew#1:18|Matthew 1:18-20]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Luke#1:35|Luke 1:35]];
|-
| Born of the Virgin Mary, ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Luke#1:27|Luke 1:27,34]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Matthew#1:23|Matthew 1:23]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Matthew#2:4|Matthew 2:4-6]];
|-
| Suffered under Pontius Pilate, ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Luke#3:1|Luke 3:1,2]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Luke#23:13|Luke 23:13-25,32-34,44-46]];
|-
| Was crucified, dead, and buried: ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#4:10|Acts 4:10]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Isaiah#53:4|Isaiah 53:4-9]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#19:20|John 19:20]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Luke#23:52|Luke 23:52-53]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Revelation#5:12|Revelation 5:12,13]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Matthew#27:35|Matthew 27:35]];
|-
| He descended into hell; ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 Peter#3:18|1 Peter 3:18-19]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Revelation#1:18|Revelation 1:18]];
|-
| The third day he rose again from the dead; ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 Corinthians#15:1|1 Corinthians 15:1-8,12-14,19-20]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#2:21|Acts 2:21,22,27-32]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Matthew#28:1|Matthew 28:1-9]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Mark#16:4|Mark 16:4-6]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Luke#24:44|Luke 24:44-47]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#20:1|John 20:1,12-17]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Romans#1:2|Romans 1:2-4]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Matthew#11:4|Matthew 11:4-6]];
|-
| He ascended into heaven, ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#1:9|Acts 1:9-11]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Luke#24:49|Luke 24:49-51]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#20:17|John 20:17]];
|-
| And sitteth on the right hand of God the Father Almighty; ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Hebrews#12:2|Hebrews 12:2]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Hebrews#1:1|Hebrews 1:1-6]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Mark#16:19|Mark 16:19]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Hebrews#9:24|Hebrews 9:24]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Hebrews#10:12|Hebrews 10:12-13]];
|-
| From thence he shall come to judge the quick and the dead. ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#10:42|Acts 10:42]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/2 Timothy#4:1|2 Timothy 4:1]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 Thessalonians#4:15|1 Thessalonians 4:15-18]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/2 Peter#3:8|2 Peter 3:8-13]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Revelation#20:11|Revelation 20:11-14]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Matthew#24:27|Matthew 24:27,36]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Matthew#25:31|Matthew 25:31-34,41,46]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#5:22|John 5:22]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#14:1|John 14:1,3]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/2 Thessalonians#1:7|2 Thessalonians 1:7-10]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#17:30|Acts 17:30,31]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Hebrews#9:27|Hebrews 9:27]];
|-
| I believe in the Holy Ghost; ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Ephesians#4:30|Ephesians 4:30-32]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#15:26|John 15:26]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#16:7|John 16:7-15]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#1:8|Acts 1:8-9]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#13:2|Acts 13:2]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 Corinthians#6:19|1 Corinthians 6:19-20]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Galatians#5:22|Galatians 5:22-25]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#2:16|Acts 2:16-21]];
|-
| The holy Catholic Church; &lt;!--- 2019-01-07  I've removed the k from the archaic word Catholick because somebody else had removed the k here at this wikiquote webpage. ---&gt; ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Ephesians#2:18|Ephesians 2:18-22]];
|-
| The Communion of Saints; ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Galatians#6:2|Galatians 6:2,10]];
|-
| The Forgiveness of sins; ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#13:38|Acts 13:38]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 John#1:8|1 John 1:8 - 2:2]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 Timothy#1:15|1 Timothy 1:15]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Matthew#26:26|Matthew 26:26-28]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Luke#7:48|Luke 7:48]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#10:43|Acts 10:43]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Romans#3:23|Romans 3:23]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Romans#4:5|Romans 4:5]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Romans#5:6|Romans 5:6-10]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Romans#10:4|Romans 10:4-13]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 John#4:9|1 John 4:9-10]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Ephesians#1:7|Ephesians 1:7]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#1:29|John 1:29]];
|-
| The Resurrection of the body, ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 Corinthians#15:42|1 Corinthians 15:42-44,50-54]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Philippians#3:20|Philippians 3:20-21]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Job#19:25|Job 19:25-27]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 Thessalonians#4:16|1 Thessalonians 4:16-17]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#5:28|John 5:28-29]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#6:39|John 6:39-40,44]];
|-
| And the Life everlasting. ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#3:14|John 3:14-16]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#10:10|John 10:10]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#11:25|John 11:25]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#17:2|John 17:2-3]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 Peter#1:3|1 Peter 1:3-5]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 John#5:11|1 John 5:11-13]]
|}

Text of the Apostles' Creed from page 10 of the [https://archive.org/details/bookofcommonpray00lond Book of Common Prayer] from [http://www.archive.org www.archive.org]. Scripture references are KJV&amp;mdash;some from Bunyan's Pilgrim's Progress and [http://www.godonthe.net/evidence/apostle.htm www.godonthe.net/evidence/apostle.htm] and [http://www.baptistboard.com/archive/index.php/t-28938.html www.baptistboard.com/archive/index.php/t-28938.html] and [http://www.archive.org/details/shortexpositiono00luth Evangelical Lutheran synod of Missouri, Ohio and other states (1905), &quot;A Short Exposition of Dr Martin Luther's Small Catechism&quot;, Concordia] available from [http://www.archive.org www.archive.org].

=== [[Ignatius of Antioch]] ===
* ... our Lord Jesus Christ ... that He was ... the Son of God according to the will and power of God; that He was truly born of a virgin ... and was truly, under Pontius Pilate and Herod the tetrarch, nailed [to the cross] for us in His flesh.... [Chapter 3] And after his resurrection He did eat and drink with [those who were with Peter], as being possessed of flesh, although spiritually He was united to the Father.
** [[s:Author:Ignatius of Antioch|''Epistle of Ignatius to the Smyrnaeans,'' chapter 1, 3, shorter version (longer version is similar here). At page 86f of ANF1, that is, Roberts A, Donaldson J and Coxe AC (1885) ''Ante-Nicene Fathers, Vol 1''.]] [c 110 AD.]

=== Pliny the Younger, Governor of Bithynia ===
* Meanwhile, with those who have been brought before me as Christians I have pursued the following course. I have asked them if they were Christians, and if they have confessed, I have asked them a second and third time, threatening them with punishment; if they have persisted, I have commanded them to be led away to punishment.... Moreover, they affirmed that this was the sum of their guilt or error; that they had been accustomed to come together on a fixed day before daylight and to sing responsively a song unto Christ as God; and to bind themselves with an oath, not with a view to the commission of some crime, but, on the contrary, that they would not commit theft, nor robbery, nor adultery, that they would not break faith, nor refuse to restore a deposit when asked for it.... For the contagion of this superstition has permeated not only the cities, but also the villages and even the country districts. Yet it can apparently be arrested and corrected. At any rate, it is certainly a fact that the [pagan] temples, which were almost deserted, are now beginning to be frequented....
** [[w:Pliny the Younger on Christians|Pliny the Younger, Governor of Bithynia]], c112AD, (Pliny, Epp, X, 96)

=== [[Polycarp]] ===
* ... our Lord Jesus Christ, who for our sins suffered even unto death, [but] &quot;whom God raised from the dead, having loosed the bands of the grave&quot; [Acts 2:24]. &quot;In whom, though now ye see Him not, ye believe...&quot; [1 Pet 1:8].... He comes as the Judge of the living and the dead.
** [[s:Author:Polycarp|''Epistle of Polycarp to the Philippians,'' chapters 1 and 2. At page 33 of ANF1, that is, Roberts A, Donaldson J and Coxe AC (1885) ''Ante-Nicene Fathers, Vol 1''.]] [Perhaps about 150 AD.]

=== [[Justin Martyr]] ===
*But Sunday is the day on which we all hold our common assembly, because ... Jesus Christ our Saviour on the same day rose from the dead. For He was crucified on the day before that of Saturn (Saturday); and on the day after that of Saturn, which is the day of the Sun, having appeared to His apostles and disciples, He taught them these things, which we have submitted to you also for your consideration. 
** [[s:Ante-Nicene_Fathers/Volume_I/The_First_Apology|''The first apology of Justin,'' chapter LXVII. c156AD. In ANF1, that is, Roberts A, Donaldson J and Coxe AC (1885) ''Ante-Nicene Fathers, Vol 1''.]]

=== [[Irenaeus]] ===
* The Church, though dispersed throughout the whole world, even to the ends of the earth, has received from the apostles and their disciples this faith: [She believes] in ... God, the Father Almighty, ... and in ... Christ Jesus, our Lord, and God, and Saviour, and King, according to the will of the invisible Father ... and that He should execute just judgment towards all....
** [[s:Author:Irenaeus|''Irenaeus Against Heresies,'' book 1: chapter 10: paragraph 1 (1:10:1). At page 330 of ANF1, that is, Roberts A, Donaldson J and Coxe AC (1885) ''Ante-Nicene Fathers, Vol 1''.]] [c 185 AD.] [The Nicene Creed, effectively. Cf 3:4:2 p417. Cf 5:20:1 p548.]

=== The [[w:Gospel of Mary|Gospel of Mary]] ===

* He questioned them about the Saviour: Did He really speak privately with a woman and not openly to us? Are we to turn about and all listen to her? Did He prefer her to us? &lt;br /&gt; Then Mary wept and said to Peter, My brother Peter, what do you think? Do you think that I have thought this up myself in my heart, or that I am lying about the Saviour? &lt;br /&gt; Levi answered and said to Peter, Peter you have always been hot tempered. &lt;br /&gt; Now I see you contending against the woman like the adversaries. &lt;br /&gt; But if the Saviour made her worthy, who are you indeed to reject her? Surely the Saviour knows her very well. &lt;br /&gt; That is why He loved her more than us. Rather let us be ashamed and put on the perfect Man, and separate as He commanded us and preach the gospel, not laying down any other rule or other law beyond what the Saviour said. &lt;br /&gt; And when they heard this they began to go forth to proclaim and to preach.
** Mary 9:4–10

===Acts of Pilate, or The Gospel of Nicodemus===
* The elders of the Jews answered and said unto Jesus: What shall we see? Firstly, that thou wast born of fornication; secondly, that thy birth in Bethlehem was the cause of the slaying of children; thirdly, that thy father Joseph and thy mother Mary fled into Egypt because they had no confidence before the people.
** [[w:Acts of Pilate|Acts of Pilate]], or [http://www.earlychristianwritings.com/text/gospelnicodemus.html The Gospel of Nicodemus] (ca. 150–255)

===The Talmud===

====Babylonian Talmud====

* Yeshua's [Jesus's] mother was Miriam [Mary]... This is as they say about her in the [[w:Pumbedita|Pumbeditha]]: This one strayed from [was unfaithful to] her husband... He is guilty as a beguiler who says, &quot;I will worship (other gods),&quot;… In the case of any one who is liable to death penalties enjoined in the Law, it is not proper to lie in wait for him except he be a beguiler... [as] they did to Ben Stada [Jesus] whom they hanged on the eve of the Passover... The husband of his [Jesus'] mother was called Stada [Joseph ben Stada], and her seducer [[w:Pandera|Pandera]] [a Roman name].
** ''[[w:The Talmud|The Talmud]]'', [[w:Mishnah|Mishnah]] 27:15, &quot;Offenders Liable to Capital Punishment: The Beguiler to Idolatry&quot; (ca. 200). Peter Schäfer in ''Jesus in the Talmud'' (Princeton, 2007) explains: &quot;if the [Babylonian Talmud] takes it for granted that [Jesus's] mother was an adulteress, then the logical conclusion follows that we was a ''[[w:mamzer|mamzer]]'', a bastard or illegitimate child&quot;.

====Palestinian Talmud====

===Early Middle Ages===

* And the Son of God died; it is by all means to be believed, because it is absurd. And he was buried and rose again; the fact is certain because it is impossible.
** [[Tertullian]] (150–225), ''De Carne Christi''. (This is actually a famous paraphrased translation, based upon separate statements of Tertullian).

* … the Son of God died; it is by all means to be believed, because it is absurd.
** [http://www.tertullian.org/articles/evans_carn/evans_carn_03latin.htm Original Latin]: ''et mortuus est dei filius: prorsus credibile est, quia ineptum est.''
** [[w:Tertullian|Tertullian]], ''[[w:De Carne Christi|De Carne Christi]]'' (5), (ca. 155–230). See also [[w:Fideism|Fideism]] and ''[[w:Credo quia absurdum|Credo quia absurdum]].

* Josephus &amp;hellip; in seeking after the cause of the fall of Jerusalem and the destruction of the temple &amp;hellip; ought to have said that the conspiracy against Jesus was the cause of these calamities befalling the people, since they put to death Christ.
** [[w:Origen|Origen]] (''c.'' 185–''c.'' 254), ''Origin Against Celus'', Book I, Chapter XLVII

* This, I shall say, is He, ''the son of the carpenter or the whore'', the destroyer of the ''Sabbath'', the ''Samaritan'' and Who ''had a devil''. This is He, Whom ye bought of Judas: this is He, Who was smitten with a reed and with bufferings, dishonoured with spittings, drugged with gall and vinegar. This is He, Whom the disciples stole secretly away, that it might be said that He had risen again[.]
** [[w:Tertullian|Tertullian]], ''[[w:De spectaculis|De spectaculis]]'' (ca. 197–202)

* Jesus reveals the law to us when he reveals to us the secrets of the law. For we who are of the catholic Church, we do not spurn the law of Moses but accept it, so long as it is Jesus who reads it to us. Indeed, we can only possess a correct understanding of the Law when he reads it to us, and we are able to receive his sense and understanding.
** [[w:Origen|Origen]] (''c.'' 185–''c.'' 254), in R. B. Tollington, trans., ''Selections from the Commentaries and Homilies of Origen, London, 1929, p. 54

* ‘If,’ said he, ‘the Father begat the Son, he that was begotten had a beginning of existence: and from this it is evident, that there was a time when the Son was not. It therefore necessarily follows, that he had his substance from nothing.’
** [[w:Arius|Arius of Alexandria]], (ca250/256–336) on the [[w:Arianism|Arian heresy]] [http://www.sacred-texts.com/chr/ecf/202/2020014.htm]

* How can we admit that the divine became an embryo, and that after its birth, it was wrapped in swaddling clothes, covered with blood, bile, and even worse things?
** [[w:Porphyry (philosopher)|Porphyry of Tyre]] (''c.'' 233–''c.'' 309 CE), ''Porphyry Against the Christians: The Literary Remains'' (Guildford 1994), expressing the [[w:Neoplatonic|Neoplatonist]]'s skepticism about Jesus' divinity

* Every prophet, every ancient writer, every revolution of the state, every law, every ceremony of the old covenant points only to Christ, announces only him, represents only him.
** [[w:Eusebius of Caesarea|Eusebius of Caesarea]] (''c.'' 263–339?), ''Demonstratio'' Evangelium, 4: 15 in J. P. Migne, ed., ''Patrologia Graeca'', Paris, 1857–66, vol. 22, p. 296

* [T]he Jewish people were driven by their drunkenness and plumpness to the ultimate evil; they kicked about, they failed to accept the yoke of Christ, nor did they pull the plow of his teaching. Another prophet hinted at this when he said: &quot;Israel is as obstinate as a stubborn heifer.&quot; … Although such beasts are unfit for work, they are fit for killing. And this is what happened to the Jews: while they were making themselves unfit for work, they grew fit for slaughter. This is why Christ said: &quot;But as for these my enemies, who did not want me to be king over them, bring them here and slay them.&quot; ([[w:Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [[s:Bible, King James, Luke#Chapter 19|19:27]])
** [[w:Saint John Chrysostom|Saint John Chrysostom]] (349–ca. 407) in Κατά Ιουδαίων [''Adversus Judaeos'' or ''Against the Jews'' or ''Against Judaizing Christians''] as translated in [http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/source/chrysostom-jews6.html ''Eight Homilies Against the Jews''], Homily 1. Many Christians have since condemned Chrysostom's [[w:Rhetoric|rhetoric]] against Jewish traditions, and its later use for antisemitic campaigns, specifically those of Nazi Germany; Rev. [[w:Richard John Neuhaus|Richard John Neuhaus]] explains that &quot;John Chrysostom in fourth-century Constantinople should not be held responsible for the misrepresentation of his writings by Nazis in twentieth-century Germany&quot; (''First Things'', [http://www.firstthings.com/article.php3?id_article=3939 November 1996]).

* The heathen ... begins to praise Christ, not in order to do him honor, but to make you despair. It is the deadly cunning of the serpent, to turn you away from Christ by praising Christ, to extol deceitfully the one he doesn’t dare to disparage. He exaggerates the sovereign majesty of Christ in order to make him out quite unique, to stop you hoping for anything like what was demonstrated in his rising.
** [[Augustine of Hippo]], “How to answer their exaggerated praise of Christ and their disparaging of Christians,” Sermon 361:15

===The [[Qur'an]] and the [[Hadith]]===
[[File:Harhab mini.JPG|thumb|[[w:The Dome of the Rock|The Dome of the Rock]] ({{lang|ar|مسجد قبة الصخرة|rtl}}) in Jerusalem (built 692 CE) which contains inscriptions that proclaim God's uniqueness and deny that He has any son or requires any assistance.]]
:&lt;small&gt;This section contains quotes about Isa (Jesus) that occur in the [[w:Qur'an|Qur'an]] and the [[w:Hadith|Hadith]].&lt;/small&gt;

====The Qur'an====
:&lt;small&gt;[[Wikisource:Qur'an|Qur'an]] in Wikisouce&lt;/small&gt;


[[File:Quran.jpg|thumb|In blasphemy indeed are those that say that God is Christ the son of Mary. Say: Who then hath the least power against God, if He wished to destroy Christ the son of Mary, his mother, and all those on the earth? ~ [[Qur'an]]]]

* Surah ii. 81: &quot;Moreover, to Moses gave we 'the Book,' and we raised up apostles after him; and to Jesus, son of Mary, gave we clear proofs of his mission and strengthened him by the Holy Spirit. So oft then as an apostle cometh to you with that which your souls desire not, swell ye with pride, and treat some as imposters, and slay others?&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Surah ii. 254: &quot;Some of the apostles we have endowed more highly than others: Those to whom God hath spoken. He hath raised to the loftiest grade, and to Jesus, son of Mary we gave manifest signs, and we strengthened him with the Holy Spirit. And if God had pleased, they who came after them would not have wrangled, after the clear signs had reached them. But into disputes they fell; some of them believed, and some were infidels; yet if God had pleased, they would not have thus wrangled; but God doth what he will.&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Surah iii. 37-42: &quot;And remember when the angels said, 'O Mary! Verily hath God chosen thee, and purified thee, and chosen thee above the women of the worlds! O Mary! Be devout towards thy Lord, and prostrate thyself and bow down with those who bow.' This is one of the announcements of things unseen by thee: To thee, O Muhammad! do we reveal it; for thou wast not with them when they cast lots with reeds which of them should rear Mary: nor wast thou with them when they disputed about it. Remember when the angel said, &quot;O mary! Verily God annnounceth to thee the Word from Him: His name shall be Messiah Jesus the son of Mary, illustrious in this world, and in the next, and one of those who have near access to God; and he shall speak to mean alike when in the cradle and when grown up; and he shall be one of the just.' She said, 'How, O my Lord? Shall I have a son, when man hath not touched me?' He said, 'Thus: God will create what He will; when He decreeth a thing He only saith, &quot;Be,&quot; and it is.' And He will teach him the Book, and the Wisdom, and the Law, and the Evangel; and he shall be an apostle to the children of Israel.&quot; 
** Quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Surah iii. 44: &quot;And I have come to attest the law which was before me; and to allow you part of that which had been forbidden you; and I come to you with a sign from your Lord; Fear God, then, and obey me; of a truth God is my Lord, and your Lord: Therefore worship Him. This is a right way.&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* And he will speak to the people when in the cradle and when of old age, and (he will be) one of the good ones.
** Qur'an 3:46

* She said: My Lord! How can I have a child when no mortal hath touched me? He said: So (it will be). Allah createth what He will. If He decreeth a thing, He saith unto it only: Be! and it is. &lt;br /&gt; And He will teach him the Scripture and wisdom, and the Torah and the Gospel, &lt;br /&gt; And will make him a messenger unto the Children of Israel, (saying): Lo! I come unto you with a sign from your Lord. Lo! I fashion for you out of clay the likeness of a bird, and I breathe into it and it is a bird, by Allah's leave. I heal him who was born blind, and the leper, and I raise the dead, by Allah's leave. And I announce unto you what ye eat and what ye store up in your houses. Lo! herein verily is a portent for you, if ye are to be believers. &lt;br /&gt; And (I come) confirming that which was before me of the Torah, and to make lawful some of that which was forbidden unto you. I come unto you with a sign from your Lord, so keep your duty to Allah and obey me.
** The [[Quran]] [http://skepticsannotatedbible.com/quran/3/index.htm Sura 3:47-50] as translated by [[w:Marmaduke Pickthall|Marmaduke Pickthall]] in ''[[w:The Meaning of the Glorious Koran|The Meaning of the Glorious Koran]]'' (1930)

* Surah iii. 51, 52: &quot;These signs, and this wise warning do we rehearse to thee. Verily, Jesus is as Adam in the sight of God. He created Him of dust: He then said to him, 'Be,' - and he was.&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* And when Allah said: O Isa, [Jesus] I am going to terminate the period of your stay (on earth) and cause you to ascend unto Me and purify you of those who disbelieve and make those who follow you above those who disbelieve to the day of resurrection; then to Me shall be your return, so l will decide between you concerning that in which you differed.
** [[s:ar:أَلْقُرآن أَلْكَرِيم|Original]]: {{lang|ar|إِذْ قَالَ اللّهُ يَا عِيسَى إِنِّي مُتَوَفِّيكَ وَرَافِعُكَإِلَيَّ وَمُطَهِّرُكَ مِنَ الَّذِينَ كَفَرُواْ وَجَاعِلُ الَّذِينَ اتَّبَعُوكَفَوْقَ الَّذِينَ كَفَرُواْ إِلَى يَوْمِ الْقِيَامَةِ ثُمَّ إِلَيَّ مَرْجِعُكُمْفَأَحْكُمُ بَيْنَكُمْ فِيمَا كُنتُمْ فِيهِ تَخْتَلِفُونَ|rtl}}
** The [[Qur'an]], [http://www.hti.umich.edu/cgi/k/koran/koran-idx?type=DIV0&amp;byte=72808 Sura 3:55] ([[w:Al Imran|The Family of Amram]], {{lang|ar|سورة آل عمران}})

* Surah iii. 72, 73: &quot;And some truly are there among them who torture the Scriptures with they tongues, in order that ye may suppose it to be from the Scripture, yet it is not from the Scripture. And they say, 'This is from God'; yet it is not from God; and they utter s lie against God, and they know they do so. It beseemeth not a man, that God should give his the Scriptures and the Wisdom, and the gift of prophecy, and that then he should say to his followers, 'Be ye worshipers of me, as well as of God'; but rather, 'Be ye perfect in things pertaining to God, since ye know the Scriptures, and have studied deep.'&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Then because of their breaking of their covenant, and their disbelieving in the revelations of Allah, and their slaying of the prophets wrongfully, and their saying: Our hearts are hardened — Nay, but Allah set a seal upon them for their disbelief, so that they believe not save a few — &lt;br /&gt; And because of their disbelief and of their speaking against Mary a tremendous calumny; &lt;br /&gt; And because of their saying: We slew the Messiah, Jesus son of Mary, Allah's messenger — they slew him not nor crucified him, but it appeared so unto them; and lo! those who disagree concerning it are in doubt thereof; they have no knowledge thereof save pursuit of a conjecture; they slew him not for certain. &lt;br /&gt; But Allah took him up unto Himself. Allah was ever Mighty, Wise. &lt;br /&gt; There is not one of the People of the Scripture but will believe in him before his death, and on the Day of Resurrection he will be a witness against them.
** [[s:ar:أَلْقُرآن أَلْكَرِيم|Original]]:{{lang|ar|فَبِمَا نَقْضِهِم مِّيثَاقَهُمْ وَكُفْرِهِم بَآيَاتِ اللّهِ وَقَتْلِهِمُ الأَنْبِيَاءَبِغَيْرِ حَقًّ وَقَوْلِهِمْ قُلُوبُنَا غُلْفٌ بَلْ طَبَعَ اللّهُ عَلَيْهَابِكُفْرِهِمْفَلاَ يُؤْمِنُونَ إِلاَّ قَلِ &lt;br /&gt; وَبِكُفْرِهِمْ وَقَوْلِهِمْ عَلَى مَرْيَمَبُهْتَاناً عَظِيماً &lt;br /&gt; وَقَوْلِهِمْ إِنَّا قَتَلْنَا الْمَسِيحَ عِيسَى ابْنَمَرْيَمَرَسُولَ اللّهِ وَمَا قَتَلُوهُ وَمَا صَلَبُوهُ وَلَـكِن شُبِّهَ لَهُمْ وَإِنَّالَّذِينَاخْتَلَفُواْ فِيهِ لَفِي شَكٍّ مِّنْهُ مَا لَهُم بِهِ مِنْ عِلْمٍ إِلاَّ اتِّبَاعَالظَّنِّوَمَا قَتَلُوهُ يَقِينا &lt;br /&gt; بَل رَّفَعَهُ اللّهُ إِلَيْهِ وَكَانَ اللّهُعَزِيزاً حَكِيماً &lt;br /&gt; وَإِن مِّنْ أَهْلِ الْكِتَابِ إِلاَّ لَيُؤْمِنَنَّ بِهِ قَبْلَ مَوْتِهِوَيَوْمَالْقِيَامَةِ يَكُونُ عَلَيْهِمْ شَهِيدا|rtl}}
** The [[Qur'an]], [http://www.sacred-texts.com/isl/pick/004.htm Sura 4:155–159] ([[w:An-Nisa|The Women]], {{lang|ar|سورة النساء|rtl}})

* Surah iv. 169: &quot;O ye people of the Book! Overstep not bounds in your religion; and of God, speak only truth. The Messiah, Jesus, son of Mary, is only an apostle of God, and His Word which he conveyed into Mary, and a Spirit from Him. Believe, therefore, in God and His apostles, and say not, 'Three': (i.e. there is a Trinity) - Forbear - it will be better for you. God is only one God! Far be it from His glory that He should have a son! His, whatever is in the Heavens, and whatever is in the Earth! And God is a sufficient Guardian.&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* O followers of the Book! [The Bible] do not exceed the limits in your religion, and do not speak (lies) against Allah, but (speak) the truth; the Messiah, Isa son of Marium [Jesus son of Mary] is only an apostle of Allah and His Word which He communicated to Marium and a spirit from Him; believe therefore in Allah and His apostles, and say not, Three. Desist, it is better for you; Allah is only one God; far be It from His glory that He should have a son, whatever is in the heavens and whatever is in the earth is His, and Allah is sufficient for a Protector.
** [[s:ar:أَلْقُرآن أَلْكَرِيم|Original]]: {{lang|ar|يَا أَهْلَ الْكِتَابِ لاَ تَغْلُواْ فِي دِينِكُمْ وَلاَ تَقُولُواْعَلَى اللّهِ إِلاَّ الْحَقِّ إِنَّمَا الْمَسِيحُ عِيسَى ابْنُ مَرْيَمَ رَسُولُاللّهِ وَكَلِمَتُهُ أَلْقَاهَا إِلَى مَرْيَمَ وَرُوحٌ مِّنْهُ فَآمِنُواْ بِاللّهِوَرُسُلِهِ وَلاَ تَقُولُواْ ثَلاَثَةٌ انتَهُواْ خَيْراً لَّكُمْ إِنَّمَا اللّهُإِلَـهٌوَاحِدٌ سُبْحَانَهُ أَن يَكُونَ لَهُ وَلَدٌ لَّهُ مَا فِي السَّمَاوَاتوَمَا فِي الأَرْضِ وَكَفَى بِاللّهِ وَكِيل|rtl}}
** The [[Qur'an]], [http://www.hti.umich.edu/cgi/k/koran/koran-idx?type=DIV0&amp;byte=114839 Sura 4:171] ([[w:An-Nisa|The Women]], {{lang|ar|سورة النساء|rtl}})

* In blasphemy indeed are those that say that God is Christ the son of Mary. Say: &quot;Who then hath the least power against God, if He wished to destroy Christ the son of Mary, his mother, and all those on the earth? For to God belongeth the dominion of the heavens and the earth, and all that is between. He createth what He pleaseth. For God hath power over all things.&quot;
** Qur'an 5:17

* Surah v. 50, 51: &quot;And in the footsteps of the prophets caused we Jesus, the son of Mary, to follow, confirming the law which was before him; and we gave him the Evangel with its guidance and light, confirmatory of the preceding Law: a guidance and warning to those who fear God:- And that the people of the Evangel may judge according to what God hath sent down therein. And whose will not judge by what God hath sent down - such are the perverse.&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Certainly they disbelieve who say: Surely Allah, He is the Messiah, son of Marium; and the Messiah said: O Children of Israel! serve Allah, my Lord and your Lord. Surely whoever associates (others) with Allah, then Allah has forbidden to him the garden, and his abode is the fire; and there shall be no helpers for the unjust. &lt;br/&gt; Certainly they disbelieve who say: Surely Allah is the third (person) of the three; and there is no god but the one God, and if they desist not from what they say, a painful chastisement shall befall those among them who disbelieve.
** [[s:ar:أَلْقُرآن أَلْكَرِيم|Original]]: {{lang|ar|لَقَدْ كَفَرَ الَّذِينَ قَالُواْ إِنَّ اللّهَ هُوَالْمَسِيحُ ابْنُ مَرْيَمَ وَقَالَ الْمَسِيحُ يَا بَنِي إِسْرَائِيلَ اعْبُدُواْاللّهَ رَبِّي وَرَبَّكُمْ إِنَّهُ مَن يُشْرِكْ بِاللّهِ فَقَدْ حَرَّمَ اللّهُعَلَيهِالْجَنَّةَ وَمَأْوَاهُ النَّارُ وَمَا لِلظَّالِمِينَ مِنْ أَنصَارٍ &lt;br /&gt; لَّقَدْ كَفَرَ الَّذِينَ قَالُواْ إِنَّ اللّهَ ثَالِثُ ثَلاَثَةٍ وَمَا مِنْإِلَـهٍ إِلاَّ إِلَـهٌ وَاحِدٌ وَإِن لَّمْ يَنتَهُواْ عَمَّا يَقُولُونَ لَيَمَسَّنَّالَّذِينَ كَفَرُواْ مِنْهُمْ عَذَابٌ أَلِي|rtl}}
** The [[Qur'an]], [http://www.hti.umich.edu/cgi/k/koran/koran-idx?type=DIV0&amp;byte=158021 Sura 5:72–73] ([[w:Al-Ma'ida|The Dinner Table]], {{lang|ar|سورة المائدة|rtl}}

* Surah v. 76-69: &quot;They misbelieve who say, 'Verily, God is the Messiah, the son of Mary'; but the Messiah said, 'O children of Israel! Worship God, my Lord and your Lord; verily, he who associates aught with God, God hath forbidden him Paradise, and his resort is the Fire, and the unjust shall have none to help them. They misbelieve who say, 'Verily God is the third of three, for there is no God but one; and if they do not desist from what they say, there shall touch those who misbelieve amongst them grievous woe. Will they not turn again towards God and ask pardon of Him? For God is forgiving and merciful.' The Messiah, the son of Mary, is only a prophet! Prophets before him have passed away; and his mother was a confessor; they used both to eat food. See how we explain to them the signs, yet see how they turn aside!&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Surah lvii. 26, 27: &quot;And of old sent we Noah and Abraham, and on their seed conferred the gift of prophecy, and the Book; and some of them we guided aright; but many were evil doers. Then we caused our apostles to follow in their footsteps; and we caused Jesus the son of Mary to follow them; and we gave him the Evangel and we put into the hearts of those who followed him kindness and compassion; but as to the monastic life, they invented it themselves. The desire only of pleasing God did we prescribe to them, and this they observed not as it ought to have been observed; but to such of them as believed gave we their reward, though many of them were perverse.&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Surah xix. 16-21: &quot;And make mention in the Book, of Mary, when she went apart from her family, eastward, and took a veil to shroud herself from them: and We sent Our spirit to her, and he took before her the form of a perfect man. She said: 'I fly for refuge from thee to the God of Mercy! If thou fearest Him, begone from me.' He said: 'I am only a messenger of they Lord, that I may bestow on thee a holy son.' She said: 'How shall I have a son, when man hath never touched me? And I am not unchaste.' He said: 'So shall it be. Thy Lord hath said: &quot;Easy is this with me; and we will make him a sign to mankind and a mercy from us. For it is a thing decreed.&quot;'&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Then she brought him to her own folk, carrying him. They said: O Mary! Thou hast come with an amazing thing. &lt;br /&gt; O sister of Aaron! Thy father was not a wicked man nor was thy mother a harlot. &lt;br /&gt; Then she pointed to him. They said: How can we talk to one who is in the cradle, a young boy? &lt;br /&gt; He spake: Lo! I am the slave of Allah. He hath given me the Scripture and hath appointed me a Prophet, &lt;br /&gt; And hath made me blessed wheresoever I may be, and hath enjoined upon me prayer and almsgiving so long as I remain alive, &lt;br /&gt; And (hath made me) dutiful toward her who bore me, and hath not made me arrogant, unblest. &lt;br /&gt; Peace on me the day I was born, and the day I die, and the day I shall be raised alive! &lt;br /&gt; Such was Jesus, son of Mary: (this is) a statement of the truth concerning which they doubt. &lt;br /&gt; It befitteth not (the Majesty of) Allah that He should take unto Himself a son. Glory be to Him! When He decreeth a thing, He saith unto it only: Be! and it is. &lt;br /&gt; And lo! Allah is my Lord and your Lord. So serve Him. That is the right path. &lt;br /&gt; The sects among them differ: but woe unto the disbelievers from the meeting of an awful Day. &lt;br /&gt; See and hear them on the Day they come unto Us! yet the evil-doers are today in error manifest. &lt;br /&gt; And warn them of the Day of anguish when the case hath been decided. Now they are in a state of carelessness, and they believe not.
** [[s:ar:أَلْقُرآن أَلْكَرِيم|Original]]: {{lang|ar| فَأَتَتْ بِهِ قَوْمَهَا تَحْمِلُهُ قَالُوا يَا مَرْيَمُ لَقَدْ جِئْتِ شَيْئاًفَرِيّاً &lt;br /&gt; يَا أُخْتَ هَارُونَ مَا كَانَ أَبُوكِ امْرَأَ سَوْءٍ وَمَا كَانَتْأُمُّكِ بَغِيّاً &lt;br /&gt; فَأَشَارَتْ إِلَيْهِ قَالُوا كَيْفَ نُكَلِّمُ مَن كَانَفِيالْمَهْدِ صَبِيّاً &lt;br /&gt; قَالَ إِنِّي عَبْدُ اللَّهِ آتَانِيَ الْكِتَابَ وَجَعَلَنِينَبِيّاً &lt;br /&gt; وَجَعَلَنِي مُبَارَكاً أَيْنَ مَا كُنتُ وَأَوْصَانِي بِالصَّلَاةِوَالزَّكَاةِ مَا دُمْتُ حَيّاً &lt;br /&gt; وَبَرّاً بِوَالِدَتِي وَلَمْ يَجْعَلْنِيجَبَّاراً شَقِيّاً &lt;br /&gt; وَالسَّلَامُ عَلَيَّ يَوْمَ وُلِدتُّ وَيَوْمَ أَمُوتُوَيَوْمَ أُبْعَثُ حَيّاً &lt;br /&gt; ذَلِكَ عِيسَى ابْنُ مَرْيَمَ قَوْلَ الْحَقِّالَّذِي فِيهِ يَمْتَرُونَ &lt;br /&gt; مَا كَانَ لِلَّهِ أَن يَتَّخِذَ مِن وَلَدٍ سُبْحَانَهُإِذَا قَضَى أَمْراً فَإِنَّمَا يَقُولُ لَهُ كُن فَيَكُونُ &lt;br /&gt; وَإِنَّ اللَّهَرَبِّي وَرَبُّكُمْفَاعْبُدُوهُ هَذَا صِرَاطٌ مُّسْتَقِيمٌ &lt;br /&gt; فَاخْتَلَفَ الْأَحْزَابُ مِنبَيْنِهِمْ فَوَيْلٌ لِّلَّذِينَ كَفَرُوا مِن مَّشْهَدِ يَوْمٍ عَظِيمٍ &lt;br /&gt; أَسْمِعْ بِهِمْوَأَبْصِرْ يَوْمَ يَأْتُونَنَا لَكِنِ الظَّالِمُونَ الْيَوْمَ فِي ضَلَالٍ مُّبِينٍ &lt;br /&gt; وَأَنذِرْهُمْ يَوْمَ الْحَسْرَةِ إِذْ قُضِيَ الْأَمْرُ وَهُمْ فِي غَفْلَةٍوَهُمْ لَا يُؤْمِنُونَ|rtl}}
** The [[Qur'an]], [http://www.sacred-texts.com/isl/pick/019.htm Sura 19:27–39] ([[w:Maryam|Maryam]], {{lang|ar|سورة مريم|rtl}}

* Surah lxi. 6: &quot;And remember when Jesus the son of Mary said, 'O children of Israel! Of a truth I am God's apostle to you to confirm the law which was given before me, and to announce an apostle that shall come after me whose name shall be Ahmad! But when he (Ahmad) presented himself with clear proofs of his mission, they said, 'This is manifest sorcery!&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Surah xxiii. 52: &quot;And we appointed the Son and his Mother for a sign; and we prepared an abode in a lofty spot, quiet and watered with springs.&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Surah v. 112-115: &quot;Remember when the Apostles said: 'O Jesus, Son of Mary! Is thy Lord able to send down a furnished table to us out of Heaven?' He said: 'Fear God if ye be believers.' They said: 'We desire to eat therefrom, and to have our hearts assured; and to know that thou hast indeed spoken truth to us, and to be witnesses thereof.' Jesus, Son of Mary, said: 'O God our Lord! Send down a table to us out of Heaven, that it may become a recurring festival to us, to the first of us and to the last of us, and a sign from thee; and do thou nourish us, for thou art the best of nourishers.' And God said: 'Verily, I will cause it to descend unto you; but whoever among you after that shall disbelieve, I will surely chastise him with a chastisement wherewith I will not chastise any other creature. 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Surah v. 19: &quot;Infidels now are they who say, 'Verily God is Messiah Ibn Maryam (son of Mary)! SAY: And who could aught obtain from God, if he chose to destroy the Messiah Ibn Maryam, and his mother, and all who are on the earth together?'&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* And when Allah will say: O Isa son of Marium! [Jesus son of Mary] did you say to men, Take me and my mother for two gods besides Allah he will say: Glory be to Thee, it did not befit me that I should say what I had no right to (say); if I had said it, Thou wouldst indeed have known it; Thou knowest what is in my mind, and I do not know what is in Thy mind, surely Thou art the great Knower of the unseen things.
** [[s:ar:أَلْقُرآن أَلْكَرِيم|Original]]: {{lang|ar|وَإِذْ قَالَ اللّهُ يَا عِيسَى ابْنَ مَرْيَمَ أَأَنتَ قُلتَ لِلنَّاسِ اتَّخِذُونِيوَأُمِّيَ إِلَـهَيْنِ مِن دُونِ اللّهِ قَالَ سُبْحَانَكَ مَا يَكُونُ لِي أَنْأَقُولَ مَا لَيْسَ لِي بِحَقٍّ إِن كُنتُ قُلْتُهُ فَقَدْ عَلِمْتَهُ تَعْلَمُمَا فِينَفْسِي وَلاَ أَعْلَمُ مَا فِي نَفْسِكَ إِنَّكَ أَنتَ عَلاَّمُ الْغُيُوب|rtl}}
** The [[Qur'an]], [http://www.hti.umich.edu/cgi/k/koran/koran-idx?type=DIV0&amp;byte=158021 Sura 5:116] ([[w:Al-Ma'ida|The Dinner Table]], {{lang|ar|سورة المائدة|rtl}}

* Surah vi. 85: &quot;And Zachariah, John, Jesus, and Elias: all were just persons.&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Surah ix. 30: &quot;The Jews say Ezra is the Son of God; and the Christians say that the Messiah is the Son of God; that is what they say with their mouths imitating the sayings of those who misbelieve before - God fight them! - How they lie!&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Then she conceived him; and withdrew with him to a remote place. ‏And the throes of childbirth drove her to the trunk of a palm-tree. She said: Oh, would that I had died before this, and had been a thing quite forgotten! ‏So a voice came to her from beneath her: Grieve not, surely thy Lord has provided a stream beneath thee. ‏ And shake towards thee the trunk of the palm-tree, it will drop on thee fresh ripe dates. ‏So eat and drink and cool the eye. Then if thou seest any mortal, say: Surely I have vowed a fast to the Beneficent, so I will not speak to any man to-day.
** Qur'an 19:22-26

* But she pointed to him. They said: How should we speak to one who is a child in the cradle? He said: I am indeed a servant of Allah. He has given me the Book and made me a prophet. And He has made me blessed wherever I may be, and He has enjoined on me prayer and poor-rate so long as I live:
** Qur'an 19:29-31

* Surah xliii. 57-65: &quot;And when the Son of Mary was set forth as an instance of divine power, lo! Thy people cried out for joy thereat: And they said, &quot;Are our god or is he the better?' They put this forth to thee only in the spirit of dispute. Yea. They are a contentious people. Jesus is no more than a servant whom we favored, and proposed as an instance of divine power to the children of Israel; and if we pleased, we could from yourselves bring forth Angels to succeed you on earth; and he shall be a sign of the last hour; doubt not then of it, and follow ye me: this is the right way; and let not Satan turn you aside from it, for he is your manifest foe. And when Jesus came with manifest proofs, he said, 'Now am I come to you with wisdom; and a part of those things about which ye are at variance I will clear up to you; fear ye God, therefore, and obey me. Verily, God is my Lord and your Lord; wherefore, worship ye him: this is a right way.' But the different parties fell into disputes among themselves; but woe to those who thus transgressed, because of the punishment of an afflictive day!&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Surah xix. 35, 36: &quot;That is Jesus, the son of Mary, the word of truth (Qaulu 'l-Haqq), whereon ye do dispute! God could not take to Himself a son! Celebrated be His praise! When He decrees a matter He only say to it 'BE,' and it is; and verily God is my Lord and your Lord, so worship Him: this is the right way. But the sects have differed among themselves.&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* And when Isa son of Marium [Jesus son of Mary] said: O children of Israel! surely I am the apostle of Allah to you, verifying that which is before me of the Taurat and giving the good news of an Apostle who will come after me, his name being [[w:Ahmad (name)|Ahmad]] [Muhammad], but when he came to them with clear arguments they said: This is clear magic.
** [[s:ar:أَلْقُرآن أَلْكَرِيم|Original]]: {{lang|ar|وَإِذْ قَالَ عِيسَى ابْنُ مَرْيَمَ يَا بَنِي إِسْرَائِيلَ إِنِّي رَسُولُ اللَّهِإِلَيْكُم مُّصَدِّقاًلِّمَا بَيْنَ يَدَيَّ مِنَ التَّوْرَاةِ وَمُبَشِّراً بِرَسُولٍ يَأْتِي مِنبَعْدِي اسْمُهُ أَحْمَدُ فَلَمَّاجَاءهُم بِالْبَيِّنَاتِ قَالُوا هَذَا سِحْرٌ مُّبِينٌ|rtl}}
** The [[Qur'an]], [http://www.hti.umich.edu/cgi/k/koran/koran-idx?type=DIV0&amp;byte=874756 Sura 61:6] ([[w:As-Saff|The Ranks]], {{lang|ar|سورة الصف|rtl}}

* Say: He, Allah, is One. &lt;br/&gt; Allah is He on Whom all depend. &lt;br/&gt; He begets not, nor is He begotten. &lt;br/&gt; And none is like Him.
** [[s:ar:أَلْقُرآن أَلْكَرِيم|Original]]: {{lang|ar|بِسْمِ اللهِ ٱلرَّحْمَـٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيمِ &lt;br /&gt; قُلْ هُوَ اللَّهُ أَحَدٌ &lt;br /&gt; اللَّهُ الصَّمَدُ &lt;br /&gt; لَمْ يَلِدْوَلَمْ يُولَدْ &lt;br /&gt; وَلَمْ يَكُن لَّهُ كُفُواً أَحَدٌ|rtl}}
** The [[Qur'an]], [http://www.hti.umich.edu/cgi/k/koran/koran-idx?type=DIV0&amp;byte=969810 Sura 112:1–4] ([[w:Al-Ikhlas|The Unity]], {{lang|ar|سورة الإخلاص|rtl}} This statement was declared as a rebuke to Christian doctrines of Jesus as the incarnation of God, and that God could beget a son that was his equal.

====The [[Hadith]]====
:&lt;small&gt;[[Wikisource:Hadith|Hadith]] in Wikisouce&lt;/small&gt;
* The Prophet said, &quot;On the night of my Ascent to the Heaven, I saw Moses who was a tall brown curly-haired man as if he was one of the men of Shan'awa tribe, and I saw Jesus, a man of medium height and moderate complexion inclined to the red and white colors and of lank hair. I also saw Malik, the gate-keeper of the (Hell) Fire and [[w:Dajjal|Ad-Dajjal]] [the [[w:Antichrist|Antichrist]]] amongst the signs which Allah showed me.&quot;
** [[w:Hadith|Hadith]], translation of [[Sahih Bukhari|Sahih Bukhari]], [http://www.usc.edu/dept/MSA/fundamentals/hadithsunnah/bukhari/054.sbt.html#004.054.462 Volume 4, Book 54, Number 462]

* Allah's Apostle said &quot;How will you be when the son of Mary ([[w:Jesus Christ|Jesus]]) descends amongst you and he will judge people by the Law of the Qur'an and not by the law of Gospel?&quot;
** [[w:Hadith|Hadith]], translation of [[w:Sahih Bukhari|Sahih Bukhari]], [http://www.usc.edu/dept/MSA/fundamentals/hadithsunnah/bukhari/055.sbt.html#004.055.554 Volume 4, Book 55, Number 65]

* The Prophet said, &quot;On the Day of Resurrection the Believers will assemble and say, 'Let us ask somebody to intercede for us with our Lord.' … 'Go to Jesus, Allah's Slave, His Apostle and Allah's Word and a Spirit coming from Him.' Jesus will say, 'I am not fit for this undertaking, go to Muhammad the Slave of Allah whose past and future sins were forgiven by Allah.' So they will come to me and I will proceed till I will ask my Lord's Permission and I will be given permission.
** [[w:Hadith|Hadith]], translation of [[w:Sahih Bukhari|Sahih Bukhari]], [http://www.usc.edu/dept/MSA/fundamentals/hadithsunnah/bukhari/060.sbt.html#006.060.149 Volume 6, Book 50, Number 3]

* By Him in Whose hand is my life, the son of Mary will soon descend among you as a just judge. He will break crosses, kill swine and abolish Jizya and the wealth will pour forth to such an extent that no one will accept it.
** [[Hadith]], translation of [[w:Sahih Bukhari|Sahih Bukhari]], [https://sunnah.com/muslim/1/296 Book 1, Hadith 296]

===Islamic Inscriptions from the Dome of the Rock ({{lang|ar|مسجد قبة الصخرة|rtl}})===
[[File:Dehio 10 Dome of the Rock Floor plan.jpg|thumb|Oh God, bless Your Messenger and Your servant Jesus son of Mary. Peace be on him the day he was born, and the day he dies, and the day he shall be raised alive! &lt;!-- Floor plan for the octagonal arcade of [[w:The Dome of the Rock|The Dome of the Rock]] ({{lang|ar|مسجد قبة الصخرة|rtl}}) in Jerusalem (built 692 CE), which contains numerous inscriptions that refer to Jesus --&gt;]]

* &quot;O People of the Book! Do not exaggerate in your religion nor utter aught concerning God save the truth. The Messiah, Jesus son of Mary, was only a Messenger of God, and His Word which He conveyed unto Mary, and a spirit from Him. So believe in God and His messengers, and say not 'Three' — Cease! (it is better for you! — God is only One God. Far be it removed from His transcendent majesty that He should have a son. His is all that is in the heavens and all that is in the earth. And God is sufficient as Defender.&quot; (Quran 4:171)
** [[w:Islam|Islamic]] inscription in the east-northeast inner octagonal arcade of the [[w:Dome of the Rock|Dome of the Rock]], Jerusalem (692 CE), [link to [http://www.islamic-awareness.org/History/Islam/Inscriptions/DoTR.html full text and translation]]

* Oh God, bless Your Messenger and Your servant Jesus son of Mary. Peace be on him the day he was born, and the day he dies, and the day he shall be raised alive! Such was Jesus, son of Mary, (this is) a statement of the truth concerning which they doubt.
** [[w:Islam|Islamic]] inscription in the north-northwest inner octagonal arcade of the [[w:Dome of the Rock|Dome of the Rock]], Jerusalem (692 CE), [link to [http://www.islamic-awareness.org/History/Islam/Inscriptions/DoTR.html full text and translation]]

* It befitteth not (the Majesty of) God that He should take unto Himself a son. Glory be to Him! When He decreeth a thing, He saith unto it only: Be! and it is. Lo! God is my Lord and your Lord. So serve Him. That is the right path. God (Himself) is witness that there is no God save Him.
** [[w:Islam|Islamic]] inscription in the northwest-west inner octagonal arcade of the [[w:Dome of the Rock|Dome of the Rock]], Jerusalem (692 CE), [link to [http://www.islamic-awareness.org/History/Islam/Inscriptions/DoTR.html full text and translation]]

* There is no god but God. He is One. Praise be to God, Who hath not taken unto Himself a son, and Who hath no partner in the Sovereignty, nor hath He any protecting friend through dependence.
** [[w:Islam|Islamic]] inscription in the west-northwest inner octagonal arcade of the [[w:Dome of the Rock|Dome of the Rock]], Jerusalem (692 CE), [link to [http://www.islamic-awareness.org/History/Islam/Inscriptions/DoTR.html full text and translation]]

===High Middle Ages===

* The purpose and cause of the incarnation was that He might illuminate the world by His wisdom and excite it to the love of Himself.
** [[Peter Abelard]] (1079–1142), as quoted in &quot;The Abelardian Doctrine Of The Atonement&quot; (1892), published in ''Doctrine and Development : University Sermons'' (1898) by Hastings Rashdall, p. 138

* If it be necessary, therefore, as it appears, that the heavenly kingdom be made up of men, and this cannot be effected unless the aforesaid satisfaction be made, which none but God can make and none but man ought to make, it is necessary for the God-man to make it.
** [[St. Anselm]] of Canterbury (1033–1109), ''Cur Deus Homo''

===The Reformation and Counter-Reformation===

* If You return to earth, come armed Lord,&lt;br&gt;because enemies are preparing other crosses&lt;br&gt;—not Turks, not Jews—but those of Your own kingdom
** [[Tommaso Campanella]], &quot;To Jesus Christ&quot;, as cited in Roush, Sherry, 2011, ''Selected Philosophical Poems of Tommaso Campanella'', University of Chicago Press, p. 18. Jesus

* He did not call them Abraham's children, but a &quot;brood of vipers&quot; [Matt. 3:7]. Oh, that was too insulting for the noble blood and race of Israel, and they declared, &quot;He has a demon' [Matt 11:18]. Our Lord also calls them a &quot;brood of vipers&quot;; furthermore in John 8 [:39,44] he states: &quot;If you were Abraham's children ye would do what Abraham did... You are of your father the devil. It was intolerable to them to hear that they were not Abraham's but the devil's children, nor can they bear to hear this today.
** [[w:Martin Luther|Martin Luther]] (1543), quoting what Jesus is said to have declared to some of the Jewish religious leaders of his time. ''[[w:On the Jews and Their Lies|On the Jews and Their Lies]]'' [http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/source/luther-jews.html]

* In those holy fields. &lt;br /&gt; Over whose acres walk'd those blessed feet &lt;br /&gt; Which, fourteen hundred years ago, were nail'd &lt;br /&gt; For our advantage on the bitter cross.
** [[William Shakespeare]], [[Henry IV, Part 1|''Henry IV'', Part I]] (c. 1597), Act I, scene 1, line 24

* And on his brest a bloodie crosse he bore, &lt;br /&gt; The deare remembrance of his dying Lord, &lt;br /&gt; For whose sweete sake that glorious badge he wore.
** [[Edmund Spenser]], ''The Faerie Queene'' (1589–96), Book I, Canto I, Stanza 2

===The Age of Reason (Seventeenth Century)===

* I must at this juncture declare that those doctrines which certain churches put forward concerning Christ, I neither affirm nor deny, for I freely confess that I do not grasp them.
** [[w:Baruch Spinoza|Baruch Spinoza]], ''[[w:Theologico-Political Treatise|Theologico-Political Treatise]]'' [http://www.yesselman.com/ttpelws1.htm#1:50understand] (1677)

===The Age of Enlightenment (Eighteenth Century)===

* We Recognize No Sovereign but God, and no King but Jesus!
** [[John Adams]] and [[John Hancock]] (April 18, 1775)[http://www.eadshome.com/QuotesoftheFounders.htm])

*Jesus taught the world nothing that had not been taught as earnestly before by other [[Masters of Wisdom|masters]]. He begins His [[Sermon on the Mount|sermon [on the Mount]]] with certain purely Buddhistic precepts that had found acceptance among the [[Essenes]], and were generally practiced by the Orphikoi, and the [[w:Neo-platonists|Neo-platonists]]... Every word of His sermon is an echo of the essential principles of monastic [[Buddhism|Buddhism.]]	
**[[H.P. Blavatsky]] in ''[[Isis Unveiled]]'' Vol. 2, (1877)

*I believe blindly in those words of Christ that I clearly understand and still more in those that were expressed by Him in the [[Sermon on the Mount]] for I find them literally repeated in the [[Buddhist]] sermons of [[Gautama]], in the [[Dhammapada]] and in the Sastras of Siddhartha Buddha, as well as the Egyptian Book of the Dead.
**[[H.P. Blavatsky]], ''The Letters of H. P. Blavatsky'': Volume 1 1861-1879, ISBN-13: 978-0835608367

*The religion which the primitive teaching of the early few apostles most resembled — a religion preached by Jesus himself — is the elder of... Buddhism. The latter as taught in its primitive purity, and carried to perfection by the last of the Buddhas, Gautama, based its moral ethics on three fundamental principles. It alleged that 1, every thing existing, exists from natural causes; 2, that virtue brings its own reward, and vice and sin their own punishment; and, 3, that the state of man in this world is probationary... However puzzling the subsequent theological tenets; however seemingly incomprehensible the metaphysical abstractions which have convulsed the theology of every one of the great religions of mankind as soon as it was placed on a sure footing, the above is found to be the essence of every religious philosophy, with the exception of later Christianity. It was that of Zoroaster, of Pythagoras, of Plato, of Jesus, and even of Moses, albeit the teachings of the Jewish law-giver have been so piously tampered with. 
**[[H.P. Blavatsky|H.P. Blavatsky]], ''[[w:Isis Unveiled|Isis Unveiled]]'', Vol. II, Chapter III, p. 124 (1877)

*Perhaps the Church of Rome was but consistent in choosing as her titular founder the apostle who thrice denied his master at the moment of danger; and the only one, moreover, except Judas, who provoked Christ in such a way as to be addressed as the &quot;Enemy.&quot; &quot;Get thee behind me, Satan!&quot; exclaims Jesus, rebuking the taunting apostle.(Gospel according to Mark, viii. 33.) There is a tradition in the Greek Church which has never found favor at the Vatican. The former traces its origin to one of the Gnostic leaders — Basilides, perhaps, who lived under Trajan and Adrian, at the end of the first and the beginning of the second century. With regard to this particular tradition, if the Gnostic is Basilides, then he must be accepted as a sufficient authority, having claimed to have been a disciple of the Apostle Matthew, and to have had for master Glaucias, a disciple of St. Peter himself...  
**[[H.P. Blavatsky|H.P. Blavatsky]], ''[[w:Isis Unveiled|Isis Unveiled]]'', Vol. II, Chapter III], p.125, (1877)

*This tradition, then, of which we have been speaking, affirms that, when frightened at the accusation of the servant of the high priest, the apostle had thrice denied his master, and the cock had crowed, Jesus, who was then passing through the hall in custody of the soldiers, turned, and, looking at Peter, said: &quot;Verily, I say unto thee, Peter, thou shalt deny me throughout the coming ages, and never stop until thou shalt be old, and shalt stretch forth thy hands, and another shall gird thee and carry thee whither thou wouldst not.&quot; The latter part of this sentence, say the Greeks, relates to the Church of Rome, and prophesies her constant apostasy from Christ, under the mask of false religion. Later, it was inserted in the twenty-first chapter of John, but the whole of this chapter had been pronounced a forgery, even before it was found that this Gospel was never written by John the Apostle at all. 
**[[H.P. Blavatsky|H.P. Blavatsky]], ''[[w:Isis Unveiled|Isis Unveiled]]'', Vol. II, Chapter III], p. 125, (1877)

*All the civilized portion of the [[Paganism|Pagans]] who knew of Jesus honored him as a [[philosopher]], an adept whom they placed on the same level with [[Pythagoras]] and [[Apollonius]]. Whence such a veneration on their part for a man, were he simply, as represented by the Synoptics, a poor, unknown Jewish carpenter from Nazareth? As an incarnated God there is no single record of him on this earth capable of withstanding the critical examination of science; as one of the greatest reformers, an inveterate enemy of every theological dogmatism, a persecutor of bigotry, a teacher of one of the most sublime codes of ethics, Jesus is one of the grandest and most clearly-defined figures on the panorama of human history. His age may, with every day, be receding farther and farther back into the gloomy and hazy mists of the past; and his theology — based on human fancy and supported by untenable dogmas may, nay, must with every day lose more of its unmerited prestige; alone the grand figure of the philosopher and moral reformer instead of growing paler will become with every century more pronounced and more clearly defined. It will reign supreme and universal only on that day when the whole of humanity recognizes but one father — the unknown one above — and one brother — the whole of mankind below.
*[[H.P. Blavatsky]], ''Isis Unveiled: A Master-Key to the Mysteries of Ancient and Modern Science and Theology,'' Vol. II, [https://www.theosociety.org/pasadena/isis/iu2-03.htm Chapter III], p. 150 (1877)

* This gem is in the collection of the author of &quot;The Gnostics and their Remains.&quot; See p. 201.
† &quot;Heresies,&quot; xxvii.
151 — THE LONG-HAIRED NAZARENES.
father — the unknown one above — and one brother — the whole of mankind below.

* '''Our Lord Jesus [[w:Christ|Christ]], a little before his departure, commissioned his apostles to ''Go'', and ''teach all nations;'' or, as another evangelist expresses it, ''Go into all the world, and preach the gospel to every creature.''''' This commission was as extensive as possible, and laid them under obligation to disperse themselves into every country of the habitable globe, and preach to all the inhabitants, without exception, or limitation. They accordingly went forth in obedience to the command, and the power of God evidently wrought with them.
** [[William Carey]], '''An Enquiry into the Obligations of Christians to Use Means for the Conversion of the Heathens (1792)’’ Sect. I : ''An Enquiry whether the Commission given by our Lord to his Disciples be not still binding on us.''

* [N]either antiquity nor any other nation has imagined a more atrocious and blasphemous absurdity than that of eating God. This is how Christians treat the autocrat of the universe.
** [[Frederick II of Prussia|Frederick the Great]], ''Letters of Voltaire and Frederick the Great'' (New York: Brentano's, 1927), transl. [[w:Richard Aldington|Richard Aldington]], letter 215 from [[Frederick II of Prussia|Frederick]] to [[Voltaire]] (19 March 1776)

* The ancient and popular doctrine of the Millennium was intimately connected with the second coming of Christ. As the works of the creation had been finished in six days, their duration in their present state, according to a tradition which was attributed to the prophet Elijah, was fixed to six thousand years. By the same analogy it was inferred that this long period of labour and contention, which was now almost elapsed, would be succeeded by a joyful Sabbath of a thousand years; and that Christ, with the triumphant band of the saints and the elect who had escaped death, or who had been miraculously revived, would reign upon earth till the time appointed for the last and general resurrection. So pleasing was this hope to the mind of believers, that the new Jerusalem, the seat of this blissful kingdom, was quickly adorned with all the gayest colours of the imagination. … Though it might not be universally received, it appears to have been the reigning sentiment of the orthodox believers; and it seems so well adapted to the desires and apprehensions of mankind, that it must have contributed in a very considerable degree to the progress of the Christian faith. But when the edifice of the church was almost completed, the temporary support was laid aside. The doctrine of Christ's reign upon earth was at first treated as a profound allegory, was considered by degrees as a doubtful and useless opinion, and was at length rejected as the absurd invention of heresy and fanaticism. A mysterious prophecy, which still forms a part of the sacred canon, but which was thought to favour the exploded sentiment, has very narrowly escaped the proscription of the church.
** [[Edward Gibbon]] (1788), ''[[w:The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire|The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire]]'', [http://www.ccel.org/ccel/gibbon/decline/files/volume1/chap15.htm 1, Chap.&amp;nbsp;15], on the progress of the Christian religion, and the sentiments, manners, numbers, and condition of the primitive Christians [http://www.ccel.org/ccel/gibbon/decline/files/volume1/chap15.htm]

* How shall we excuse the supine inattention of the Pagan and philosophic world to those evidences which were presented by the hand of Omnipotence, not to their reason, but to their senses? During the age of Christ, of his apostles, and of their first disciples, the doctrine which they preached was confirmed by innumerable prodigies. The lame walked, the blind saw, the sick were healed, the dead were raised, daemons were expelled, and the laws of Nature were frequently suspended for the benefit of the church. &lt;br/&gt; … Under the reign of Tiberius, the whole earth, or at least a celebrated province of the Roman empire, was involved in a preternatural darkness of three hours. Even this miraculous event, which ought to have excited the wonder, the curiosity, and the devotion of mankind, passed without notice in an age of science and history. It happened during the lifetime of Seneca and the elder Pliny, who must have experienced the immediate effects, or received the earliest intelligence, of the prodigy. Each of these philosophers, in a laborious work, has recorded all the great phenomena of Nature, earthquakes, meteors, comets, and eclipses, which his indefatigable curiosity could collect. Both the one and the other have omitted to mention the greatest phenomenon to which the mortal eye has been witness since the creation of the globe.
** [[Edward Gibbon]] (1788), ''[[w:The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire|The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire]]'', [http://www.ccel.org/ccel/gibbon/decline/files/volume1/chap15.htm 1, Chap.&amp;nbsp;15], on the progress of the Christian religion, and the sentiments, manners, numbers, and condition of the primitive Christians [http://www.ccel.org/ccel/gibbon/decline/files/volume1/chap15.htm]

* I doubt whether the people of this country would suffer an execution for heresy, or a three years imprisonment for not comprehending the mysteries of the trinity.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], ''Notes on Virginia'', 1782. Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-04_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;4], p.&amp;nbsp;81

* You will next read the new testament. It is the history of a personage called Jesus. Keep in your eye the opposite pretensions I. of those who say he was begotten by god, born of a virgin, suspended &amp; reversed the laws of nature at will, &amp; ascended bodily into heaven: and 2. of those who say he was a man of illegitimate birth, of a benevolent heart, enthusiastic mind, who set out without pretensions to divinity, ended in believing them, &amp; was Punished capitally for sedition by being gibbeted according to the Roman law which punished the first commission of that offence by whipping, &amp; the second by exile or death in ''furcâ''. … '''Do not be frightened from this inquiry by any fear of it's consequences. If it ends in a belief that there is no god, you will find incitements to virtue in the comfort &amp; pleasantness you feel in it's exercise, and the love of others which it will procure you.''' If you find reason to believe there is a god, a consciousness that you are acting under his eye, &amp; that he approves you, will be a vast additional incitement; if that there be a future state, the hope of a happy existence in that increases the appetite to deserve it; if that Jesus was also a god, you will be comforted by a belief of his aid and love. In fine, I repeat that you must lay aside all prejudice on both sides, &amp; neither believe nor reject anything because any other persons, or description of persons have rejected or believed it. Your own reason is the only oracle given you by heaven, and you are answerable not for the rightness but uprightness of the decision. I forgot to observe '''when speaking of the new testament that you should read all the histories of Christ, as well of those whom a council of ecclesiastics have decided for us to be Pseudo-evangelists, as those they named Evangelists.''' Because these Pseudo-evangelists pretended to inspiration as much as the others, and you are to judge their pretensions by your own reason, &amp; not by the reason of those ecclesiastics. Most of these are lost. There are some however still extant, collected by Fabricius which I will endeavor to get &amp; send you.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], Letter to Peter Carr, August 10, 1787. Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-05_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;5], pp.&amp;nbsp;324–327

* [Jesus] claims that not the observance of outer civil or statutory churchly duties but the pure moral disposition of the heart alone can make man well-pleasing to God (Matthew V, 20-48); … that injury done one’s neighbor can be repaired only through satisfaction rendered to the neighbor himself, not through acts of divine worship (V, 24). Thus, he says, does he intend to do full justice to the Jewish law (V, 17); whence it is obvious that not scriptural scholarship but the pure religion of reason must be the law’s interpreter, for taken according to the letter, it allowed the very opposite of all this. Furthermore, he does not leave unnoticed, in his designations of the strait gate and the narrow way, the misconstruction of the law which men allow themselves in order to evade their true moral duty, holding themselves immune through having fulfilled their churchly duty (VII, 13). He further requires of these pure dispositions that they manifest themselves also in works (VII, 16) and, on the other hand, denies the insidious hope of those who imagine that, through invocation and praise of the Supreme Lawgiver in the person of His envoy, they will make up for their lack of good works and ingratiate themselves into favor (VII, 21). Regarding these works he declares that they ought to be performed publicly, as an example for imitation (V, 16), and in a cheerful mood, not as actions extorted from slaves (VI, 16); and that thus, from a small beginning in the sharing and spreading of such dispositions, religion, like a grain of seed in good soil, or a ferment of goodness, would gradually, through its inner power, grow into a kingdom of God (XIII, 31-33).
** [[Immanuel Kant]], ''[[w:Religion within the Bounds of Bare Reason|Religion within the Limits of Reason Alone]]'', Book IV, Part 1, Section 1, “The Christian religion as a natural religion,” as translated by Theodore M. Greene

* Let us suppose there was a teacher of whom an historical record (or, at least, a widespread belief which is not basically disputable) reports that he was the first to expound publicly a pure and searching religion, comprehensible to the whole world. … Suppose that all he did was done even in the face of a dominant ecclesiastical faith which was onerous and not conducive to moral ends (a faith whose perfunctory worship can serve as a type of all the other faiths, at bottom merely statutory, which were current in the world at the time). Suppose, further, we find that he had made this universal religion of reason the highest and indispensable condition of every religious faith whatsoever … and this without further adding to this faith burdensome new ordinances or wishing to transform acts which he had initiated into peculiar holy practices, required in themselves as being constituent elements of religion. After this description one will not fail to recognize the person who can be referenced, not indeed as the founder of the religion which, free from every dogma, is engraved in all men’s hearts (for it does not have its origin in an arbitrary will), but as the founder of the first true church.
** [[Immanuel Kant]], ''[[w:Religion within the Bounds of Bare Reason|Religion within the Limits of Reason Alone]]'', Book IV, Part 1, Section 1, “The Christian religion as a natural religion,” as translated by Theodore M. Greene

* While [Jesus] was living the day today, how did he manage to protect himself against the enemy that would attack him from the rear, namely the next day – just because he had the eternal with him in his today in a sense totally different from the way any human being has, for that very reason he turned his back on the next day. '''How did he manage?''' Far be it from us presumptuously to try to gain popularity by fathoming what should not be fathomed. We do not believe that he came to the world in order to give us subjects for erudite research. He came into the world to set the task, in order to leave a footprint so that we would learn from him. 
** [[Soren Kierkegaard]], Christian Discourses (Christelige Taler) Apr 26, 1848 Hong translation 1997 P. 76-77  

* What have we learned from this false thing called &quot;revealed religion&quot;? Absolutely nothing that is useful to man, and everything that is dishonorable to God. What does the Bible teach us?—rapine, cruelty, and murder. What does the New Testament teach us?—to believe that God had sex with a woman engaged to be married. The belief in this debauchery is what is called faith.
** [[w:Thomas Paine|Thomas Paine]], ''[[s:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794)

* Every national church or religion has established itself by pretending some special mission from God, communicated to certain individuals. The Jews have their Moses; the Christians their Jesus Christ, their apostles and saints; and the Turks their Mahomet; as if the way to God was not open to every man alike. &lt;br/&gt; Each of those churches shows certain books, which they call ''revelation'', or the Word of God. The Jews say that their Word of God was given by God to Moses face to face; the Christians say, that their Word of God came by divine inspiration; and the Turks say, that their Word of God (the Koran) was brought by an angel from heaven. Each of those churches accuses the other of unbelief; and, for my own part, I disbelieve them all.
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[w:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794) [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Home3/HTML.php?recordID=0548.04]

* Having thus made an insurrection and a battle in heaven, in which none of the combatants could be either killed or wounded — put Satan into the pit — let him out again — given him a triumph over the whole creation — damned all mankind by the eating of an apple, these Christian mythologists bring the two ends of their fable together. They represent this virtuous and amiable man, Jesus Christ, to be at once both God and man, and also the Son of God, celestially begotten, on purpose to be sacrificed, because they say that Eve in her longing had eaten an apple.
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[w:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794) [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Home3/HTML.php?recordID=0548.04]

* If I owe a person money, and cannot pay him, and he threatens to put me in prison, another person can take the debt upon himself, and pay it for me. But if I have committed a crime, every circumstance of the case is changed. Moral justice cannot take the innocent for the guilty even if the innocent would offer itself. To suppose justice to do this, is to destroy the principle of its existence, which is the thing itself. It is then no longer justice. It is indiscriminate revenge.
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[w:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794) [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Home3/HTML.php?recordID=0548.04]

* As to the Christian system of faith, it appears to me as a species of atheism; a sort of religious denial of God. It professes to believe in a man rather than in God. It is a compound made up chiefly of man-ism with but little deism, and is as near to atheism as twilight is to darkness. It introduces between man and his Maker an opaque body, which it calls a redeemer[.]
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[w:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794) [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Home3/HTML.php?recordID=0548.04]

* The most extraordinary of all the things called miracles, related in the New Testament, is that of the devil flying away with Jesus Christ, and carrying him to the top of a high mountain; and to the top of the highest pinnacle of the temple, and showing him and promising to him ''all the kingdoms of the world''. How happened it that he did not discover America? or is it only with ''kingdoms'' that his sooty highness has any interest.
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[w:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794) [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Home3/HTML.php?recordID=0548.04]

* Here then is the whole story, foolish as it is, of this child and this virgin; and it is upon the barefaced perversion of this story that the book of Matthew, and the impudence and sordid interest of priests in later times, have founded a theory, which they call the gospel; and have applied this story to signify the person they call Jesus Christ; begotten, they say, by a ghost, whom they call holy, on the body of a woman, engaged in marriage, and afterwards married, whom they call a virgin, seven hundred years after this foolish story was told; a theory which, speaking for myself, I hesitate not to believe, and to say, is as fabulous and as false as God is true. … &lt;br/&gt; It is not then the existence or the non-existence, of the persons that I trouble myself about; it is the fable of Jesus Christ, as told in the New Testament, and the wild and visionary doctrine raised thereon, against which I contend. The story, taking it as it is told, is blasphemously obscene. It gives an account of a young woman engaged to be married, and while under this engagement, she is, to speak plain language, debauched by a ghost, under the impious pretence, (Luke i. 35,) that &quot;the Holy Ghost shall come upon thee, and the power of the Highest shall overshadow thee.&quot; Notwithstanding which, Joseph afterwards marries her, cohabits with her as his wife, and in his turn rivals the ghost. This is putting the story into intelligible language, and when told in this manner, there is not a priest but must be ashamed to own it
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[w:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794) [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Home3/HTML.php?recordID=0548.04]

* Matthew says, that the angel that was sitting upon the stone on the outside of the sepulchre told the two Marys that Christ was risen, and that the women went ''away'' quickly. Mark says, that the women, upon seeing the stone rolled away, and wondering at it, went ''into'' the sepulchre, and that it was the angel that was ''sitting'' within on the right side, that told them so. Luke says, it was the two angels that were standing up; and John says, it was Jesus Christ himself that told it to Mary Magdalene; and that she did not go into the sepulchre, but only stooped down and looked in. &lt;br/&gt; Now, if the writers of these four books had gone into a court of justice to prove an ''alibi'', (for it is of the nature of an alibi that is here attempted to be proved, namely, the absence of a dead body by supernatural means,) and had they given their evidence in the same contradictory manner as it is here given, they would have been in danger of having their ears cropt for perjury, and would have justly deserved it. Yet this is the evidence, and these are the books, that have been imposed upon the world as being given by divine inspiration, and as the unchangeable word of God.
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[w:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794) [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Home3/HTML.php?recordID=0548.04]

*One could wish no easier death than that of Socrates, calmly discussing philosophy with his friends; one could fear nothing worse than that of Jesus, dying in torment, among the insults, the mockery, the curses of the whole nation. In the midst of these terrible sufferings, Jesus prays for his cruel murderers. Yes, if the life and death of Socrates are those of a philosopher, the life and death of Christ are those of a God.
** [[Jean-Jacques Rousseau]], ''[http://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/5427 Émile: Or, On Education]'' (1762), Book IV

===The Nineteenth Century===
[[File:Ribe domkirke prædikestol.jpg|thumb|A church order with priesthood, theology, cult and sacraments ... everything Jesus of Nazareth fought against. ~ [[Friedrich Nietzsche]]]]
:&lt;small&gt;Alphabetized by author&lt;/small&gt;

* I almost shudder at the thought of alluding to the most fatal example of the abuses of grief which the history of mankind has preserved — the Cross. Consider what calamities that engine of grief has produced!
** [[John Adams]], letter to [[Thomas Jefferson]] (September 3, 1816). Published in ''[http://books.google.com/books?vid=ISBN0807842303&amp;id=SzSWYPOz6M8C&amp;pg=PP1&amp;lpg=PP1&amp;ots=kTAZL3ImRq&amp;dq=%22Adams-Jefferson+letters%22&amp;sig=tVGzBe0XVhXaF2p0FQLGy4GK6bk#PRA2-PR17,M1 Adams-Jefferson Letters: The Complete Correspondence Between Thomas Jefferson and Abigail and John Adams]'' (UNC&amp;nbsp;Press, 1988), p.&amp;nbsp;488

* Jesus! How does the very word overflow with sweetness, and light, and love, and life; filling the air with odors, like precious ointment poured forth; irradiating the mind with a glory of truths on which no fear can live, soothing the wounds of the heart with a balm that turns the sharpest anguish into delicious peace, shedding through the soul a cordial of immortal strength. Jesus! the answer to all our. doubts, the spring of all our courage, the earnest of all our hopes, the charm omnipotent against all our foes, the remedy for all weakness, the supply of all our wants, the fullness of all our desires. Jesus! at the mention of whose name every knee shall bow and every tongue confess. Jesus! our power; Jesus! our righteousness, our sanctification, our redemption — Jesus! our elder brother, our blessed Lord and Redeemer. Thy name is the most transporting theme of the church, as they sing going up from the valley of tears, to their home on the mount of God; Thy name shall ever be the richest chord in the harmony of heaven, while the angels and the redeemed unite their exulting, adoring songs around the throne of God.
** [[George Washington Bethune]], reported in Josiah Hotchkiss Gilbert, ''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895), p. 54.

* The principle of [[brotherhood]] expounded by the agitator of Nazareth preserved the germ of life, of truth and justice, so long as it was the beacon light of [[Minority|the few]]. The moment the [[majority]] seized upon it, that great principle became a shibboleth and harbinger of blood and fire, spreading suffering and disaster.
** [[Emma Goldman]], ''{{w|Anarchism and Other Essays}}, [[:wikisource:Anarchism and Other Essays/2|Minorities Versus Majorities]], 1910, ''Mother Earth Publishing''

* The Man of Galilee, the Carpenter, the workingman who became the revolutionary agitator of his day soon found himself to be an undesirable citizen in the eyes of the ruling knaves and they had him crucified.
** [[Eugene V. Debs]], &quot;[http://www.marxists.org/archive/debs/works/1918/canton.htm The Canton, Ohio Speech, Anti-War Speech]&quot; in ''The Call'' (16 June 1918)

* I want to say to you, about myself, that I am a child of this age, a child of unfaith and scepticism, and probably (indeed I know it) shall remain so to the end of my life. How dreadfully has it tormented me (and torments me even now) this longing for faith, which is all the stronger for the proofs I have against it. And yet God gives me sometimes moments of perfect peace; in such moments I love and believe that I am loved; in such moments I have formulated my creed, wherein all is clear and holy to me. This creed is extremely simple; here it is: I believe that there is nothing lovelier, deeper, more sympathetic, more rational, more manly, and more perfect than the Saviour; I say to myself with jealous love that not only is there no one else like Him, but that there could be no one. I would even say more: '''If anyone could prove to me that [[Christ]] is outside the [[truth]], and if the truth really did exclude Christ, I should prefer to stay with Christ and not with truth.'''
** [[Fyodor Dostoevsky]] Letter To Mme. N. D. Fonvisin (1854), as published in Letters of Fyodor Michailovitch Dostoevsky to his Family and Friends (1914), translated by Ethel Golburn Mayne, Letter XXI, p. 71 [[http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Fyodor_Dostoevsky]]

* The divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity. Nowhere in the Gospels do we find a precept for Creeds, Confessions, Oaths, Doctrines, and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in Christianity.
** [[John Adams]], letter to [[Thomas Jefferson]]. Published in ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=26V5sFshT_4C&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;dq=%22The+Quotable+John+Adams%22#v=onepage&amp;q=&amp;f=false The Quotable John Adams]'' (Globe Pequot, 2008), p.&amp;nbsp;185ff

* Why is it that, next to the birthday of the Savior of the world, your most joyous and most venerated festival returns on this day [the Fourth of July]? Is it not that, in the chain of human events, the birthday of the nation is indissolubly linked with the birthday of the Savior? That it forms a leading event in the progress of the Gospel dispensation? Is it not that the Declaration of Independence first organized the social compact on the foundation of the Redeemer's mission upon earth? That it laid the cornerstone of human government upon the first precepts of Christianity?
** [[John Quincy Adams]] (1837, during a speech at Newburyport, Massachusetts. From: [http://www.eadshome.com/QuotesoftheFounders.htm])

* '''If there ever was an [[Christian anarchism|anarchist]] on Earth the gospel Jesus was one.'''
** Frank S. Billings, ''How Shall the Rich Escape?'' (1894), p. 54

* I know men and I tell you that Jesus Christ is no mere man. Between him and every other person in the world there is no possible term of comparison. [[Alexander the Great|Alexander]], [[Julius Caesar|Caesar]], [[Charlemagne]], and I, founded empires. But on what did we rest the creations of our genius? Upon force. Jesus Christ founded His empire upon love; and at this hour millions of people would die for Him.
** [[Napoleon Bonaparte]]

* My dear children, I am very anxious that you should know something about the History of Jesus Christ. For everybody ought to know about Him. No one ever lived, who was so good, so kind, so gentle, and so sorry for all people who did wrong, or were in any way ill or miserable, as he was. And as He is now in Heaven, where we hope to go, and all to meet each other after we are dead, and there be happy always together, you never can think what a good place Heaven is, without knowing who he was and what he did.
** [[Charles Dickens]], ''The Life of Our Lord'' (1849), Chapter 1, opening paragraph

*He comes silently and unannounced; yet all--how strange--yea, all recognize Him, at once! The population rushes towards Him as if propelled by some irresistible force; it surrounds, throngs, and presses around, it follows Him.... Silently, and with a smile of boundless compassion upon His lips, He crosses the dense crowd, and moves softly on. The Sun of Love burns in His heart, and warm rays of Light, Wisdom and Power beam forth from His eyes, and pour down their waves upon the swarming multitudes of the rabble assembled around, making their hearts vibrate with returning love.
*He pauses at the portal of the old cathedral, just as a wee white coffin is carried in, with tears and great lamentations. The lid is off, and in the coffin lies the body of a fair-child, seven years old... 'He will raise the child to life!' confidently shouts the crowd to the weeping mother. The officiating priest... looks perplexed, and frowns... The procession halts, and the little coffin is gently lowered at his feet. Divine compassion beams forth from His eyes, and as He looks at the child, His lips are heard to whisper once more, 'Talitha Cumi'--and 'straightway the damsel arose.' The child rises in her coffin...and, looking round with large astonished eyes she smiles sweetly...
*A terrible commotion rages among them, the populace shouts and loudly weeps, when suddenly, before the cathedral door, appears the Cardinal Grand Inquisitor himself... He pauses before the crowd and observes. He has seen all. He has witnessed the placing of the little coffin at His feet, the calling back to life. And now, his dark, grim face has grown still darker; his bushy grey eyebrows nearly meet, and his sunken eye flashes with sinister light. Slowly raising his finger, he commands his minions to arrest Him...
*The Grand Inquisitor... addresses Him in these words: &quot;'It is Thou! ... Thou!' ... Receiving no reply, he rapidly continues: 'Nay, answer not; be silent! ... And what couldst Thou say? ... I know but too well Thy answer.... Besides, Thou hast no right to add one syllable to that which was already uttered by Thee before.... Why shouldst Thou now return, to impede us in our work?... But art Thou as well aware of what awaits Thee in the morning?...to-morrow I will condemn and burn Thee on the stake, as the most wicked of all the heretics...
*...his words mean, in short: 'Everything was given over by Thee to the Pope, and everything now rests with him alone; Thou hast no business to return and thus hinder us in our work.' In this sense the Jesuits not only talk but write likewise.
*He [the Grand Inquisitor] seriously regards it as a great service done by himself, his brother monks and Jesuits, to humanity, to have conquered and subjected unto their authority that freedom, and boasts that it was done but for the good of the world... Man is born a rebel, and can rebels be ever happy?... 
*Having disburdened his heart, the Inquisitor waits for some time to hear his prisoner speak in His turn... The old man longs to hear His voice, to hear Him reply; better words of bitterness and scorn than His silence. Suddenly He rises; slowly and silently approaching the Inquisitor, He bends towards him and softly kisses the bloodless, four-score and-ten-year-old lips. That is all the answer.
**[[Feodor Dostoevsky]] in [https://onlinebooks.library.upenn.edu/webbin/gutbook/lookup?num=8578 ''The Grand Inquisitor''], (1879–1880)  

* One sacrifice, however great, is insufficient to pay the debt of sin. The atonement requires constant self-immolation on the sinner’s part. That God’s wrath should be vented upon His beloved Son, is divinely unnatural. Such a theory is man-made. … The material blood of Jesus was no more efficacious to cleanse from sin when it was shed upon ‘the accursed tree,’ than when it was flowing in his veins as he went daily about his Father’s business. … His disciples believed Jesus to be dead while he was hidden in the sepulchre, whereas he was alive[.]
** [[Mary Baker Eddy]] (1867), Founder of the [[w:Church of Christ, Scientist|Church of Christ, Scientist]], ''[[w:Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures|Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures]]'', pp. 23:3–6, 25:6–8, 44:28–29

* It is plain that God does not employ drugs or hygiene, nor provide them for human use; else Jesus would have recommended and employed them in his healing. The sick are more deplorably lost than the sinning, if the sick cannot rely on God for help and the sinning can. … The universal belief in physics weighs against the high and mighty truths of Christian metaphysics. This erroneous general belief, which sustains medicine and produces all medical results, works against Christian Science[.] … If we would heal by the Spirit, we must not hide the talent of spiritual healing under the napkin of its form. … The tender word and Christian encouragement of an invalid, pitiful patience with his fears and the removal of them, are better than hecatombs of gushing theories, stereotyped borrowed speeches, and the doling of arguments, which are but so many parodies on legitimate Christian Science, aflame with divine Love.
** [[Mary Baker Eddy]] (1867), Founder of the [[w:Church of Christ, Scientist|Church of Christ, Scientist]] on the denial of drugs, hygiene, and medicine to the sick and their replacement by spiritual healing, ''[[w:Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures|Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures]]'', pp. 143:5, 155:15

* The theory of three person in one God (that is, a personal Trinity or Tri-unity) suggests polytheism, rather than the one ever-present I AM. … Jesus Christ is not God, as Jesus himself declared, but is the Son of God.
** [[Mary Baker Eddy]] (1867), Founder of the [[w:Church of Christ, Scientist|Church of Christ, Scientist]], ''[[w:Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures|Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures]]'', pp. 256:9–11, 361:11–13

* '''Christ saw much in this world to weep over, and much to pray over: but he saw nothing in it to look upon with contempt.'''
** [[Edwin Hubbell Chapin]] as quoted in ''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895) by Josiah Hotchkiss Gilbert, p. 160

*As to Jesus of Nazareth, my Opinion of whom you particularly desire, I think the System of Morals and his Religion, as he left them to us, the best the world ever saw or is likely to see; but I apprehend it has received various corrupt changes...
**[[Benjamin Franklin]], quoted in ''Benjamin Franklin: An Exploration of a Life of Science and Service'' (1938) by [[Carl Van Doren]], p. 777.

* '''The spirit of contempt is the true spirit of Antichrist; for no other is more directly opposed to Christ.'''
** [[Henry Giles]], as quoted in ''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895) by Josiah Hotchkiss Gilbert, p. 160

* '''[[w:Christ|Christ]] plays in ten thousand places, &lt;br /&gt; Lovely in limbs, and lovely in eyes not his &lt;br /&gt; To the Father through the features of men's faces.'''
** [[Gerard Manley Hopkins]], in [http://www.embodiment-of-freedom.com/persfree/hopkins.html &quot;As Kingfishers Catch Fire, Dragonflies Draw Flame&quot;] (undated poem, ''c''. March–April 1877)

* He saw his followers using the instruments of pain. He heard the groans — saw the faces white with agony. He heard the shrieks and sobs and cries of all the moaning, martyred multitudes. He knew that commentaries would be written on his words with swords, to be read by the light of fagots. He knew that the Inquisition would be born of the teachings attributed to him.&lt;p&gt;He saw the interpolations and falsehoods that hypocrisy would write and tell. He saw all wars that would be waged, and he knew that above these fields of death, these dungeons, these rackings, these burnings, these executions, for a thousand years would float the dripping banner of the cross.&lt;p&gt;He knew that hypocrisy would be robed and crowned — that cruelty and credulity would rule the world; knew that liberty would perish from the earth; knew that popes and kings in his name would enslave the souls and bodies of men; knew that they would persecute and destroy the discoverers, thinkers and inventors; knew that his church would extinguish reason's holy light and leave the world without a star.&lt;p&gt;He saw his disciples extinguishing the eyes of men, flaying them alive, cutting out their tongues, searching for all the nerves of pain.&lt;p&gt;He knew that in his name his followers would trade in human flesh; that cradles would be robbed and women's breasts unbabed for gold.&lt;p&gt;And yet he died with voiceless lips.
** [[Robert Green Ingersoll]], ''About the Holy Bible'' (1894)
** More concisely put in ''A Christmas Sermon'': '''If Christ was in fact God, he knew the persecutions that would be carried on in his name; he knew the millions that would suffer death through torture; and yet he died without saying one word to prevent what he must have known, if he were God, would happen.'''

* '''His parentage was obscure; his condition poor; his education null; his natural endowments great; his life correct and innocent: he was meek, benevolent, patient, firm, disinterested, &amp; of the sublimest eloquence.''' &lt;br /&gt; The disadvantages under which his doctrines appear are remarkable. &lt;br /&gt; 1. Like [[Socrates]] &amp; [[Epictetus]], he wrote nothing himself. &lt;br /&gt; 2. But he had not, like them, a [[w:Xenophon|Xenophon]] or an [[w:Arrian|Arrian]] to write for him. On the contrary, all the learned of his country, entrenched in its power and riches, were opposed to him, lest his labors should undermine their advantages; and the committing to writing his life &amp; doctrines fell on the most unlettered &amp; ignorant men; who wrote, too, from memory, &amp; not till long after the transactions had passed. &lt;br /&gt; 3. According to the ordinary fate of those who attempt to enlighten and reform mankind, he fell an early victim to the jealousy &amp; combination of the altar and the throne, at about 33. years of age, his reason having not yet attained the maximum of its energy, nor the course of his preaching, which was but of 3. years at most, presented occasions for developing a complete system of morals. &lt;br /&gt; 4. Hence the doctrines which he really delivered were defective as a whole, and fragments only of what he did deliver have come to us mutilated, misstated, &amp; often unintelligible. &lt;br /&gt; 5. They have been still more disfigured by the corruptions of schismatising followers, who have found an interest in sophisticating &amp; perverting the simple doctrines he taught by engrafting on them the mysticisms of a Grecian sophist, frittering them into subtleties, &amp; obscuring them with jargon, until they have caused good men to reject the whole in disgust, &amp; to view Jesus himself as an impostor. &lt;br /&gt; Notwithstanding these disadvantages, a system of morals is presented to us, which, if filled up in the true style and spirit of the rich fragments he left us, would be the most perfect and sublime that has ever been taught by man. &lt;br /&gt; The question of his being a member of the Godhead, or in direct communication with it, claimed for him by some of his followers, and denied by others, is foreign to the present view, which is merely an estimate of the intrinsic merit of his doctrines. &lt;br /&gt; 1. He corrected the Deism of the Jews, confirming them in their belief of one only God, and giving them juster notions of his attributes and government. &lt;br /&gt; 2. His moral doctrines, relating to kindred &amp; friends, were more pure &amp; perfect than those of the most correct of the philosophers, and greatly more so than those of the Jews; and they went far beyond both in inculcating universal philanthropy, not only to kindred and friends, to neighbors and countrymen, but to all mankind, gathering all into one family, under the bonds of love, charity, peace, common wants and common aids. A development of this head will evince the peculiar superiority of the system of Jesus over all others. &lt;br /&gt; 3. The precepts of philosophy, &amp; of the Hebrew code, laid hold of actions only. He pushed his scrutinies into the heart of man; erected his tribunal in the region of his thoughts, and purified the waters at the fountain head. &lt;br /&gt; 4. He taught, emphatically, the doctrines of a future state, which was either doubted, or disbelieved by the Jews; and wielded it with efficacy, as an important incentive, supplementary to the other motives to moral conduct.
**[[Thomas Jefferson]], '[http://www.positiveatheism.org/hist/jeff1122.htm &quot;Syllabus of an Estimate of the Merit of the Doctrines of jesus, Compared with Those of Others&quot; in a letter to Benjamin Rush (12 April 1803)]. Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-09_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;9 ''Works'' Vol. 9 (PDF)], pp.&amp;nbsp;462.

* The Christian priesthood, finding the doctrines of Christ levelled to every understanding, and too plain to need explanation, saw in the mysticism of Plato, materials with which they might build up an artificial system, which might, from its indistinctness, admit everlasting controversy, give employment for their order, and introduce it to profit, power and pre-eminence. The doctrines which flowed from the lips of Jesus himself are within the comprehension of a child ; but thousands of volumes have not yet explained the Platonisms engrafted on them; and for this obvious reason, that nonsense can never be explained.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], letter to [[w:John Adams|John Adams]] (July 5, 1814). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-11_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;11], pp.&amp;nbsp;397–398.

* 48: And about the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, saying, '''''Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?''''' that is to say, '''My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?'''
:49: Some of them that stood there, when they heard that, said, This man calleth for Elias.
:50: And straightway one of them ran, and took a spunge, and filled it with vinegar, and put it on a reed, and gave him to drink.
:51: The rest said, Let be, let us see whether Elias will come to save him.
:52: Jesus, when he had cried again with a loud voice, yielded up the ghost.
:53: And many women were there beholding afar off, which followed Jesus from Galilee, ministering unto him:
:54: Among which was Mary Magdalene, and Mary the mother of James and Joses, and the mother of Zebedee's children.
:55: The Jews therefore, because it was the preparation, that the bodies should not remain upon the cross on the sabbath day, (for that sabbath day was an high day,) besought Pilate that their legs might be broken, and that they might be taken away.
:56: Then came the soldiers, and brake the legs of the first, and of the other which was crucified with him.
:57: But when they came to Jesus, and saw that he was dead already, they brake not his legs:
:58: But one of the soldiers with a spear pierced his side, and forthwith came there out blood and water.
:59: And after this Joseph of Arimathaea, being a disciple of Jesus, but secretly for fear of the Jews, besought Pilate that he might take away the body of Jesus: and Pilate gave him leave. He came therefore, and took the body of Jesus.
:60: And there came also Nicodemus, which at the first came to Jesus by night, and brought a mixture of myrrh and aloes, about an hundred pound weight.
:61: Then took they the body of Jesus, and wound it in linen clothes with the spices, as the manner of the Jews is to bury.
:62: Now in the place where he was crucified there was a garden; and in the garden a new sepulchre, wherein was never man yet laid.
:63: There laid they Jesus,
:64: And rolled a great stone to the door of the sepulchre, and departed.
:* [[Thomas Jefferson]], The &quot;[[w:Jefferson Bible|Jefferson Bible]]&quot; (''[http://etext.lib.virginia.edu/etcbin/toccer-new2?id=JefJesu.sgm&amp;images=images/modeng&amp;data=/texts/english/modeng/parsed&amp;tag=public&amp;part=all The Life and Morals of Jesus of Nazareth]'') on the crucifixion, death, and burial of Jesus, which omits all Biblical passages asserting Jesus' virgin birth, miracles, divinity, and resurrection.

* The priests have so disfigured the simple religion of Jesus that no one who reads the sophistications they have engrafted on it, from the jargon of [[Plato]], of [[Aristotle]] &amp; other mystics, would conceive these could have been fathered on the sublime preacher of the sermon on the mount.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], Letter to [[w:Benjamin Waterhouse|Benjamin Waterhouse]] (October 13, 1815). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-11_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;11], p.&amp;nbsp;492

* I, too, have made a wee-little book from the same materials, which I call the Philosophy of Jesus; it is a paradigma of his doctrines, made by cutting the texts out of the book, and arranging them on the pages of d blank book, in a certain order of time or subject. A more beautiful or precious morsel of ethics I have never seen; it is a document in proof that I am a real Christian, that is to say, a disciple of the doctrines of Jesus, very different from the Platonists, who call me infidel and themselves Christians and preachers of the gospel, while they draw all their characteristic dogmas from what its author never said nor saw. They have compounded from the heathen mysteries a system beyond the comprehension of man, of which the great reformer of the vicious ethics and deism of the Jews, were he to return on earth, would not recognize one feature.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], Letter to [[w:Charles Thomson|Charles Thomson]] (January 9, 1816), on his ''[http://etext.lib.virginia.edu/etcbin/toccer-new2?id=JefJesu.sgm&amp;images=images/modeng&amp;data=/texts/english/modeng/parsed&amp;tag=public&amp;part=all The Life and Morals of Jesus of Nazareth]'' (the &quot;[[w:Jefferson Bible|Jefferson Bible]]&quot;), which omits all Biblical passages asserting Jesus' virgin birth, miracles, divinity, and resurrection. Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-11_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;11], pp.&amp;nbsp;498–499

* The Pennsylvania legislature, who, on a proposition to make the belief in God a necessary qualification for office, rejected it by a great majority, although assuredly there was not a single atheist in their body. And you remember to have heard, that when the act for religious freedom was before the Virginia Assembly, a motion to insert the name of Jesus Christ before the phrase, &quot;the author of our holy religion,&quot; which stood in the bill, was rejected, although that was the creed of a great majority of them.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], Letter to [[w:Albert Gallatin|Albert Gallatin]] (June 16, 1817). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-12_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;12], p.&amp;nbsp;73

* But the greatest of all the reformers of the depraved religion of his own country, was Jesus of Nazareth. '''Abstracting what is really his from the rubbish in which it is buried, easily distinguished by its lustre from the dross of his biographers, and as separable from that as the diamond from the dunghill, we have the outlines of a system of the most sublime morality which has ever fallen from the lips of man; outlines which it is lamentable he did not live to fill up.''' [[Epictetus]] and [[Epicurus]] give laws for governing ourselves, Jesus a supplement of the duties and charities we owe to others. '''The establishment of the innocent and genuine character of this benevolent moralist, and the rescuing it from the imputation of imposture, which has resulted from artificial systems,* invented by ultra-Christian sects, unauthorized by a single word ever uttered by him, is a most desirable object''', and one to which [[Joseph Priestley|Priestley]] has successfully devoted his labors and learning. It would in time, it is to be hoped, effect a quiet euthanasia of the heresies of bigotry and fanaticism which have so long triumphed over human reason, and so generally and deeply afflicted mankind; but this work is to be begun by winnowing the grain from the chaff of the historians of his life. I have sometimes thought of translating Epictetus (for he has never been tolerable translated into English) by adding the genuine doctrines of Epicurus from the Syntagma of Gassendi, and an abstract from the Evangelists of whatever has the stamp of the eloquence and fine imagination of Jesus. The last I attempted too hastily some twelve or fifteen years ago. It was the work of two or three nights only, at Washington, after getting through the evening task of reading the letters and papers of the day. But with one foot in the grave, these are now idle projects for me. My business is to beguile the wearisomeness of declining life, as I endeavor to do, by the delights of classical reading and of mathematical truths, and by the consolations of a sound philosophy, equally indifferent to hope and fear.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], Letter to William Short, October 31, 1819. Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-12_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;12], pp.&amp;nbsp;141–142.
*** Jefferson's footnote on &quot;artificial systems&quot; for this passage: '''*''' ''e.g.'' The immaculate conception of Jesus, his deification, the creation of the world by him, his miraculous powers, his resurrection and visible ascension, his corporeal presence in the Eucharist, the Trinity; original sin, atonement, regeneration, election, orders of Hierarchy, etc. — T.J.

* '''My aim in that was, to justify the character of Jesus against the fictions of his pseudo-followers, which have exposed him to the inference of being an impostor.''' For if we could believe that he really countenanced the follies, the falsehoods and the charlatanisms which his biographers father on him, and admit the misconstructions, interpolations and theorizations of the fathers of the early, and fanatics of the latter ages, the conclusion would be irresistible by every sound mind, that he was an impostor. I give no credit to their falsifications of his actions and doctrines, and to rescue his character, the postulate in my letter asked only what is granted in reading every other historian. When [[Livy]] and [[w:Diodorus Siculus|Siculus]], for example, tell us things which coincide with our experience of the order of nature, we credit them on their word, and place their narrations among the records of credible history. But when they tell us of calves speaking, of statues sweating blood, and other things against the course of nature, we reject these as fables not belonging to history. … '''I say, that this free exercise of reason is all I ask for the vindication of the character of Jesus.''' We find in the writings of his biographers matter of two distinct descriptions. First, a groundwork of vulgar ignorance, of things impossible, of superstitions, fanaticisms and fabrications. Intermixed with these, again, are sublime ideas of the Supreme Being, aphorisms and precepts of the purest morality and benevolence, sanctioned by a life of humility, innocence and simplicity of manners, neglect of riches, absence of worldly ambition and honors, with an eloquence and persuasiveness which have not been surpassed. '''These could not be inventions of the groveling authors who relate them. They are far beyond the powers of their feeble minds. They shew that there was a character, the subject of their history, whose splendid conceptions were above all suspicion of being interpolations from their hands.''' Can we be at a loss in separating such materials, and ascribing each to its genuine author? The difference is obvious to the eye and to the understanding, and we may read as we run to each his part; and I will venture to affirm, that he who, as I have done, will undertake to winnow this grain from its chaff, will find it not to require a moment's consideration. The parts fall asunder of themselves, as would those of an image of metal and clay. … '''There are, I acknowledge, passages not free from objection, which we may, with probability, ascribe to Jesus himself; but claiming indulgence from the circumstances under which he acted.''' His object was the reformation of some articles in the religion of the Jews, as taught by [[Moses]]. That sect had presented for the object of their worship, a being of terrific character, cruel, vindictive, capricious and unjust. Jesus, taking for his type the best qualities of the human head and heart, wisdom, justice, goodness, and adding to them power, ascribed all of these, but in infinite perfection, to the Supreme Being, and formed him really worthy of their adoration. Moses had either not believed in a future state of existence, or had not thought it essential to be explicitly taught to his people. Jesus inculcated that doctrine with emphasis and precision. Moses had bound the Jews to many idle ceremonies, mummeries and observances, of no effect towards producing the social utilities which constitute the essence of virtue; Jesus exposed their futility and insignificance. The one instilled into his people the most anti-social spirit towards other nations; the other preached philanthropy and universal charity and benevolence. The office of reformer of the superstitions of a nation, is ever dangerous. Jesus had to walk on the perilous confines of reason and religion: and a step to right or left might place him within the gripe of the priests of the superstition, a blood thirsty race, as cruel and remorseless as the being whom they represented as the family God of Abraham, of Isaac and of Jacob, and the local God of Israel. They were constantly laying snares, too, to entangle him in the web of the law. He was justifiable, therefore, in avoiding these by evasions, by sophisms, by misconstructions and misapplications of scraps of the prophets, and in defending himself with these their own weapons, as sufficient, ad homines, at least. '''That Jesus did not mean to impose himself on mankind as the son of God, physically speaking, I have been convinced by the writings of men more learned than myself in that lore. But that he might conscientiously believe himself inspired from above, is very possible.'''
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], Letter to William Short, August 4, 1820, on his reason for compiling the ''Syllabus of an Estimate of the Merit of the Doctrines of Jesus''. Published in ''Thomas Jefferson: Writings'', Merrill D. Peterson, ed., New York: Library of America, 1994, pp.&amp;nbsp;1435–1440 [http://www.stephenjaygould.org/ctrl/jefferson_jesus.html]

* '''The doctrines of Jesus are simple, and tend all to the happiness of man.'''
::1. That there is one only God, and he all perfect.
::2, That there is a future state of rewards and punishments.
::3. That to love God with all thy heart and thy neighbor as thyself, is the sum of religion.
:These are the great points on which he endeavored to reform the religion of the Jews. But compare with these the demoralizing dogmas of [[John Calvin|Calvin]].
::1. That there are three Gods.
::2. That good works, or the love of our neighbor, are nothing.
::3. That faith is every thing, and the more incomprehensible the proposition, the more merit in its faith.
::4. That reason in religion is of unlawful use.
::5. That God, from the beginning, elected certain individuals to be saved, and certain others to be damned; and that no crimes of the former can damn them; no virtues of the latter save.
:Now, which of these is the true and charitable Christian? He who believes and acts on the simple doctrines of Jesus? Or the impious dogmatists, as [[w:Athanasius|Athanasius]] and Calvin? Verily I say these are the false shepherds foretold as to enter not by the door into the sheepfold, but to climb up some other way. They are mere usurpers of the Christian name, teaching a counter-religion made up of the deliria of crazy imaginations, as foreign from Christianity as is that of [[Muhammad|Mahomet]]. '''Their blasphemies have driven thinking men into infidelity, who have too hastily rejected the supposed author himself, with the horrors so falsely imputed to him. Had the doctrines of Jesus been preached always as pure as they came from his lips, the whole civilized world would now have been Christian.''' I rejoice that in this blessed country of free inquiry and belief, which has surrendered its creed and conscience to neither kings nor priests, the genuine doctrine of one only God is reviving, and I trust that there is not a young man now living in the United States who will not die an [[w:Unitarianism|Unitarian]].'''
:* [[Thomas Jefferson]], letter to [[w:Benjamin Waterhouse|Benjamin Waterhouse]], (June 26, 1822). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-12_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;12], pp.&amp;nbsp;241–243

* '''The truth is, that the greatest enemies of the doctrine of Jesus are those, calling themselves the expositors of them, who have perverted them to the structure of a system of fancy absolutely incomprehensible, and without any foundation in his genuine words.''' And the day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the supreme being as his father in the womb of a virgin will be classed with the fable of the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter... But may we hope that the dawn of reason and freedom of thought in these United States will do away with this artificial scaffolding, and restore to us the primitive and genuine doctrines of this most venerated reformer of human errors.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], letter to [[John Adams]] (11 April 1823) [http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2005/02/04/opinion/main671823.shtml]

* '''Over the years, alas, it has happened again and again, and the repetition continues, that someone goes ahead, someone for whom another person longs, whom he wishes to follow, but never has any human being, never has any loved one, never has any teacher, never has any friend gone ahead-in order to prepare a place for the one following. Just as the name of Christ is the one and only name in heaven and on earth, so also is Christ the one and only predecessor who has gone ahead in this way. Between heaven and earth there is only one road: to follow Christ. In time and eternity there is only one choice, one single choice: to choose this road. There is only one eternal hope on this earth: to follow Christ into heaven. There is one blessed joy in this life: to follow Christ; in death there is one final blessed joy-to follow Christ to life!''' 
** [[Søren Kierkegaard]] ''Upbuilding Discourses in Various Spirits'' 1847, Hong 1993 p. 229

* '''Christ said: Whoever denies me before people I also will deny before my heavenly Father-even if it were not so, it would still follow solely of itself, follow from the inner urge in the Christian that he would do this. On the other hand, although the confession is commanded and enjoined with the full emphasis of eternity, if the confession is not the consequence of that inner urge, then a confession of that kind is not what is required. Therefore, if someone could presumptuously want to delude himself into thinking that the most sagacious thing, because after all it is required, the most sagacious thing, in view of eternity’s judgment, would be to confess Christ: then such a person does not only not confess Christ but blasphemously distorts him, as if Christ were a vain power seeker who craved a great name in the world. No, that was not why Christ required the confession, and that is not the way he required it. On the contrary, he actually required that his followers have such inwardness that confession follows of itself-when it is required.''' The same inwardness can also be silent and just as pleasing to God, but this same true inwardness surely cannot be silent-when confession is required. Indeed, how could a person’s faith be strong enough to believe unto salvation, strong and disregardful enough in this way (alas, this may be just about the most difficult kind of disregard, to pay no attention to one’s own fantasies about merit or to the mitigating inventions of one’s passions or to the horrifying images of terrified imagination in the consciousness of guilt, but without this disregard one cannot have faith unto salvation) if a person does not have a faith strong and disregardful enough to dare to confess-'''if''' it is required. 
** [[Soren Kierkegaard]] ''Upbuilding Discourses in Various Spirits'' 1847, Hong 1993 p. 321-322

* For God has other Words for other worlds, &lt;br /&gt; But for this world the Word of God is Christ.
** [[w:Harriet King (poet)|Harriet King]], ''The Disciples'' (1873), Ugo Bassi, III (&quot;The Sermon in the Hospital&quot;)

* I know there is a God, and that He hates injustice and slavery. I see the storm coming, and I know that His hand is in it. If He has a place and work for me–and I think He has–I believe I am ready. I am nothing, but truth is everything. I know I am right because I know that liberty is right, for Christ teaches it, and Christ is God. I have told them that a house divided against itself cannot stand, and Christ and reason say the same; and they will find it so. Douglas doesn't care whether slavery is voted up or voted down, but God cares, and humanity cares, and I care; and with God’s help I shall not fail. I may not see the end; but it will come and I shall be vindicated; and these men will find that they have not read their Bibles aright.
:* [[Abraham Lincoln]] anecdote registered by novelist Josiah Gilbert Holland, in his Life of Abraham Lincoln (1866), Chapter XVI, p. 287. University of Nebraska Press, as something that Lincoln said in a conversation with educator Newman Bateman, in the Autumn of 1860.

[[File:Square1.jpg|thumb|All sorrow, labor, suffering, I, tallying it, absorb in myself, &lt;br /&gt; Many times have I been rejected, taunted, put in prison, and crucified, and many times shall be again.. .~ [[Walt Whitman]] in [[Leaves_of_Grass#Chanting_the_Square_Deific|''Leaves of Grass'', &quot;Chanting the Square Deific&quot;]]'' ]]
[[File:Cristo Redentor - Rio.jpg|thumb|My charity has no death — my wisdom dies not, neither early nor late, and my sweet love bequeath'd here and elsewhere never dies. ~ [[Walt Whitman]] in [[Leaves_of_Grass#Chanting_the_Square_Deific|''Leaves of Grass'', &quot;Chanting the Square Deific&quot;]]'' ]]
[[File:William-Adolphe Bouguereau (1825-1905) - Compassion (1897).jpg|thumb|My spirit to yours dear brother, Do not mind because many sounding your name do not understand you, I do not sound your name, but I understand you... ~ [[Walt Whitman]] in [[Leaves_of_Grass#To_Him_That_Was_Crucified_.281860.3B_1881.29|''Leaves of Grass'', &quot;To Him That Was Crucified&quot;]] ]]
* There is truth in Jesus which is terrible, as well as truth that is soothing'''; terrible, for He shall be Judge as well as Saviour; and ye cannot face Him, ye cannot stand before Him, unless ye now give ear to His invitation.
** [[Henry Melvill]], as quoted in ''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895) by Josiah Hotchkiss Gilbert

* '''The Bible tells me explicitly that [[w:Christ|Christ]] was God; and it tells me, as explicitly that Christ was man. It does not go on to state the modus or manner of the union.''' I stop, therefore, where the Bible stops. I bow before a God-man as my Mediator, but I own as inscrutable the mysteries of His person.
** [[Henry Melvill]], as quoted in ''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895) by Josiah Hotchkiss Gilbert

* '''The Author of the Sermon on the Mount is assuredly a far more benign being than the Author of Nature.''' But unfortunately, the believer in the Christian revelation is required to believe that the same being is the author of both! If he doesn’t resolutely avert his mind from this subject or practise the act of quieting his conscience by sophistry, he will be involved in endless moral perplexities, because the ways of his Deity in Nature are often totally at variance with what he thinks to be the commands of that same Deity in the Gospel. Those who suffer the least moral damage from this tangle are probably those who never try to reconcile the two standards — ''the one set by Nature, and the one set by Jesus in the Gospels'' — with one another, but admits to himself that the purposes of Providence are mysterious, that its ways are not our ways, that its justice and goodness are not the justice and goodness that we can understand and that it is fitting for us to practise. When this is how the believer feels, however, the worship of God stops being the adoration of abstract moral perfection. It becomes a matter of the bowing down to a gigantic image of something not fit for us to imitate. It is the worship of pure power. &lt;br /&gt; '''I say nothing of the moral difficulties and perversions involved in revelation itself; though even in the Christianity of the Gospels, at least in its ordinary interpretation, there are some that are so flagrant that they almost outweigh all the beauty and benignity and moral greatness that so clearly distinguish the sayings and character of Christ.''' For example, thinking &quot;This is the object of highest worship!&quot; of a being who could make a Hell and create countless generations of human beings with the certain foreknowledge that he was creating them to be sent to Hell. '''Is there any moral atrocity that couldn’t be justified by the imitation of such a Deity? And could we possibly adore such a being without frightfully distorting the standard of right and wrong? Any other of the outrages to the most ordinary justice and humanity involved in the common Christian idea of God’s moral character sinks into insignificance beside this dreadful ''Hell-focused'' idealization of wickedness.'''
** [[John Stuart Mill]], ''[http://www.earlymoderntexts.com/milless.html The Usefulness of Religion]'' (1874)

* ''Wir haben also als Missverständnis: … eine kirchliche Ordnung, mit Priesterschaft, Theologie, Cultus, Sakramenten; kurz, alles das, was Jesus von Nazareth bekämpft hatte.'' (Original: German)
** We therefore have a misunderstanding: ... a church order with priesthood, theology, cult and sacraments; shortly, everything Jesus of Nazareth fought against.
** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], Nachlass, KSA 13: 11[295].

* '''Jesus Christ raised women above the condition of mere slaves, mere ministers to the passions of the man, raised them by His sympathy, to be Ministers of God.'''
** [[Florence Nightingale]], in ''Cassandra'' (1860)

* People talk about imitating Christ, and imitate Him in the little trifling formal things, such as washing the feet, saying His prayer, and so on; but '''if anyone attempts the real imitation of Him, there are no bounds to the outcry with which the presumption of that person is condemned.'''
** [[Florence Nightingale]], in ''Cassandra'' (1860)

* '''The Church is now more like the Scribes and Pharisees than like Christ... What are now called the &quot;essential doctrines&quot; of the Christian religion he does not even mention.'''
** [[Florence Nightingale]], as quoted in The Life of Florence Nightingale (1913) by Edward Tyas Cook, p. 392

* In his last moments he cries out, &quot;My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me!&quot; What conclusion is it natural to draw from this distressing exclamation? It appears to be this, that on the part of Jesus Christ, there was a virtual renunciation of his confidence in the Creator; and on the supposition that there was originally a concerted plan of execution well understood by both the parties, the fulfilment of it seems here to have been relinquished, and the beneficial effects annihilated. On the part of Jesus, it is saying, &quot;I have been deceived in this undertaking. I did not expect that I should have been forsaken in this hour of my greatest distress; but I rested with confidence on eternal wisdom, for a timely escape from this wretched misfortune.&quot; On the part of the Father, there is a want of attention and support in this trying hour. He forsakes his beloved Son; he gives him up to the murderous fury of vindictive enemies; and neither the one nor the other of the parties exhibits that spirit of fortitude and constancy which might justly have been expected on so interesting an occasion. The reflecting mind concludes, therefore, that the whole is but a fiction, and that no such stipulation ever took place between the man Jesus Christ, and the Creator of the world.
** [[w:Elihu Palmer|Elihu Palmer]], ''[[s:Principles of nature; or, a development of the morals causes of happiness and misery among the human species|Principles of nature; or, a development of the morals causes of happiness and misery among the human species]]'' (1801)

* He declared that in the present world evil is the reigning power. Satan is &quot;the prince of this world,&quot; and everything obeys him. The kings kill the prophets. The priests and the doctors do not that which they command others to do; the righteous are persecuted, and the only portion of the good is weeping. The &quot;world&quot; is in this manner the enemy of God and his saints; but God will awaken and avenge his saints. The day is at hand, for the abomination is at its height. The reign of goodness will have its turn. &lt;br /&gt; The advent of this reign of goodness will be a great and sudden revolution. The world will seem to be turned upside down: the actual state being bad, in order to represent the future, it suffices to conceive nearly the reverse of that which exists. The first shall be last. A new order shall govern humanity. &lt;br /&gt; '''Jesus, in some respects, was an [[Christian anarchism|anarchist]], for he had no idea of civil government. That government seems to him purely and simply an abuse.''' &lt;br /&gt; A great social revolution, in which rank will be overturned, in which all authority in this world will be humiliated, was his dream.
** [[Ernest Renan]], in ''The Life of Jesus'' (1863), [[s:Life_of_Jesus/Chapter_7|Ch. XII: Development of the ideas of Jesus respecting the Kingdom of God]]

*For, if Christ be simply an ideal picture, the man who sketched it will be as difficult to account for as the Being himself.
**George Sexton, a leading 19th century skeptic who converted to orthodox Christianity. [http://www.christianitytoday.com/history/newsletter/2005/may20.html Victorian Skeptics on the Road to Damascus]

* '''Must then a Christ perish in torment in every age to save those that have no imagination?'''
** [[George Bernard Shaw]], in ''Saint Joan : A Chronicle Play In Six Scenes And An Epilogue'' (1923)

* No sooner had Jesus knocked over the dragon of superstition than [[Paul of Tarsus|Paul]] boldly set it on its legs again in the name of Jesus.
** [[George Bernard Shaw]], ''Androcles and the Lion'' (1913)

* '''If Christ were here now there is one thing he would not be — a Christian.'''
** [[Mark Twain]], ''Notebook''

* '''I am an historian, I am not a believer, but I must confess as a historian that this penniless preacher from Nazareth is irrevocably the very center of history.''' Jesus Christ is easily the most dominant figure in all history.
** [[H.G. Wells]], British author (1866–1946) (from: [http://jmm.aaa.net.au/articles/13353.htm])

* '''Consolator most mild, the promis'd one advancing, &lt;br /&gt; With gentle hand extended, the mightier God am I, &lt;br /&gt; Foretold by prophets and poets in their most rapt prophecies and poems, &lt;br /&gt; From this side, lo! the [[Jesus|Lord]] [[w:Christ|Christ]] gazes''' — lo! [[w:Hermes|Hermes]] I — lo! mine is [[w:Hercules|Hercules]]' face, &lt;br /&gt; '''All sorrow, labor, suffering, I, tallying it, absorb in myself, &lt;br /&gt; Many times have I been rejected, taunted, put in prison, and crucified, and many times shall be again''', &lt;br /&gt; All the world have I given up for my dear brothers' and sisters' sake, for the soul's sake, &lt;br /&gt; Wending my way through the homes of men, rich or poor, with the kiss of affection, &lt;br /&gt; For I am affection, I am the cheer-bringing God, with hope and all-enclosing charity, &lt;br /&gt; With indulgent words as to children, with fresh and sane words, mine only, &lt;br /&gt; '''Young and strong I pass knowing well I am destin'd myself to an early death; &lt;br /&gt; But my charity has no death — my wisdom dies not, neither early nor late, &lt;br /&gt; And my sweet love bequeath'd here and elsewhere never dies.'''
** [[Walt Whitman]] in [[Leaves_of_Grass#Chanting_the_Square_Deific|''Leaves of Grass'', &quot;Chanting the Square Deific&quot;]]'' ]]

*''' My spirit to yours dear brother, &lt;br /&gt; Do not mind because many sounding your name do not understand you, &lt;br /&gt; I do not sound your name, but I understand you,''' &lt;br /&gt; I specify you with joy O my comrade to salute you, and to salute those who are with you, before and since, and those to come also, &lt;br /&gt; That '''we all labor together transmitting the same charge and succession, &lt;br /&gt; We few equals indifferent of lands, indifferent of times, &lt;br /&gt; We, enclosers of all continents, all castes, allowers of all theologies,''' &lt;br /&gt; Compassionaters, perceivers, rapport of men, &lt;br /&gt; '''We walk silent among disputes and assertions, but reject not the disputers nor any thing that is asserted, &lt;br /&gt; We hear the bawling and din, we are reach'd at by divisions, jealousies, recriminations on every side, &lt;br /&gt; They close peremptorily upon us to surround us, my comrade, &lt;br /&gt; Yet we walk unheld, free, the whole earth over, journeying up and down till we make our ineffaceable mark upon time and the diverse eras, &lt;br /&gt; Till we saturate time and eras, that the men and women of races, ages to come, may prove brethren and lovers as we are.'''
** [[Walt Whitman]] in [[Leaves_of_Grass#To_Him_That_Was_Crucified_.281860.3B_1881.29|''Leaves of Grass'', &quot;To Him That Was Crucified&quot;]] (1860; 1881)

* When Jesus talks about the poor he simply means personalities, just as when he talks about the rich he simply means people who have not developed their personalities. Jesus moved in a community that allowed the accumulation of private property just as ours does, and the gospel that he preached was not that in such a community it is an advantage for a man to live on scanty, unwholesome food, to wear ragged, unwholesome clothes, to sleep in horrid, unwholesome dwellings, and a disadvantage for a man to live under healthy, pleasant, and decent conditions. Such a view would have been wrong. ... What Jesus meant, was this. He said to man, ‘You have a wonderful personality. Develop it. Be yourself. Don’t imagine that your perfection lies in accumulating or possessing external things. Your perfection is inside of you. If only you could realise that, you would not want to be rich. Ordinary riches can be stolen from a man. Real riches cannot. In the treasury-house of your soul, there are infinitely precious things, that may not be taken from you. And so, try to so shape your life that external things will not harm you. And try also to get rid of [[personal property]]. It involves sordid preoccupation, endless industry, continual wrong. Personal property hinders Individualism at every step.’
** [[Oscar Wilde]], ''The Soul of Man Under Socialism'', ¶ 22

=== The Book of Mormon and LDS Scripture ===
:&lt;small&gt;This section contains quotes about Jesus that occur in the ''[[w:Book of Mormon|Book of Mormon]] and LDS Scripture&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Christus statue temple square salt lake city.jpg|244px|thumb|The fundamental principles of our religion are the testimony of the Apostles and Prophets, concerning Jesus Christ, that He died, was buried, and rose again the third day, and ascended into heaven; and all other things which pertain to our religion are only appendages to it. ~ [[Joseph Smith]] ]]
==== The Book of Mormon (1830) ====

* If so, wo shall come upon you; but if not so, then cast about your eyes and begin to believe in the Son of God, that he will come to redeem his people, and that he shall suffer and die to atone for their sins; and that he shall rise again from the dead, which shall bring to pass the resurrection, that all men shall stand before him, to be judged at the last and judgment day, according to their works.
** The ''[[s:Book of Mormon|Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Alma|Alma]] [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Alma#Thirty-three|33:22]]

* And behold, he shall be born of Mary, at Jerusalem which is the land of our forefathers, she being a virgin, a precious and chosen vessel, who shall be overshadowed and conceive by the power of the Holy Ghost, and bring forth a son, yea, even the Son of God.
** The ''[[s:Book of Mormon|Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Alma|Alma]] [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Alma#Chapter_Seven|7:10]]

* And moreover, I say unto you, that there shall be no other name given nor any other way nor means whereby salvation can come unto the children of men, only in and through the name of Christ, the Lord Omnipotent.
** The ''[[s:Book of Mormon|Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Mosiah|Mosiah]] [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Mosiah#Chapter_Three|3:17]]

* And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall.
** The ''[[s:Book of Mormon|Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Helaman|Helaman]] [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Helaman#Chapter_Five|5:12]]

* And if there were miracles wrought then, why has God ceased to be a God of miracles and yet be an unchangeable Being? And behold, I say unto you he changeth not; if so he would cease to be God; and he ceaseth not to be God, and is a God of miracles.&lt;br/&gt; And the reason why he ceaseth to do miracles among the children of men is because that they dwindle in unbelief, and depart from the right way, and know not the God in whom they should trust. 	Jesus doesn't do miracles any more because everyone has dwindled in unbelief.&lt;br/&gt; Behold, I say unto you that whoso believeth in Christ, doubting nothing, whatsoever he shall ask the Father in the name of Christ it shall be granted him; and this promise is unto all, even unto the ends of the earth.
** The ''[[s:Book of Mormon|Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Mormon|Mormon]] [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Mormon#Chapter_Nine|9:19–21]]

* And now, my beloved brethren, and also Jew, and all ye ends of the earth, hearken unto these words and believe in Christ; and if ye believe not in these words believe in Christ. And if ye shall believe in Christ ye will believe in these words, for they are the words of Christ, and he hath given them unto me; and they teach all men that they should do good. And if they are not the words of Christ, judge ye—for Christ will show unto you, with power and great glory, that they are his words, at the last day; and you and I shall stand face to face before his bar; and ye shall know that I have been commanded of him to write these things, notwithstanding my weakness.
** The ''[[Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book of Mormon/2 Nephi|2 Nephi]] [[s:Book of Mormon/2 Nephi#Chapter Thirty-three|33:10-11]]

* And we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ, and we write according to our prophecies, that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins.
** The ''[[Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book of Mormon/2 Nephi|2 Nephi]] [[s:Book of Mormon/2 Nephi#Chapter twenty-five|25:26]]

* Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life.
** The ''[[Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book of Mormon/2 Nephi|2 Nephi]] [[s:Book of Mormon/2 Nephi#Chapter Thirty-one|31:20]]

* Yea, come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, and deny yourselves of all ungodliness; and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness, and love God with all your might, mind and strength, then is his grace sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ; and if by the grace of God ye are perfect in Christ, ye can in nowise deny the power of God. And again, if ye by the grace of God are perfect in Christ, and deny not his power, then are ye sanctified in Christ by the grace of God, through the shedding of the blood of Christ, which is in the covenant of the Father unto the remission of your sins, that ye become holy, without spot.
** The ''[[s:Book of Mormon|Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Moroni|Moroni]] [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Moroni#Chapter_Ten|10:32-33]]

====Doctrine and Covenants (1835)====
* Hearken, O ye elders of my church, saith the Lord your God, who have assembled yourselves together, according to my commandments, in this land, which is the land of Missouri, which is the land which I have appointed and consecrated for the gathering of the saints.&lt;br/&gt; Wherefore, this is the land of promise, and the place for the city of Zion.&lt;br/&gt; And thus saith the Lord your God, if you will receive wisdom here is wisdom. Behold, the place which is now called Independence is the center place; and a spot for the temple is lying westward, upon a lot which is not far from the courthouse.
** [[w:Joseph Smith|Joseph Smith]]'s revelation that that Jesus will come to Independence, Missouri when he returns to reign on earth, The ''[[w:Doctrine and Covenants|Doctrine and Covenants]]'', [[s:http://en.wikisource.org/wiki/The_Doctrine_and_Covenants/Section_57|57:1–3]], revelation through Joseph Smith, in Zion, Jackson County, Missouri (July 20, 1831)

====Pearl of Great Price (1838)====
* It no sooner appeared than I found myself delivered from the enemy which held me bound. When the light rested upon me I saw two Personages, whose brightness and glory defy all description, standing above me in the air. One of them spake unto me, calling me by name and said, pointing to the other—''This is My Beloved Son. Hear Him!'' My object in going to inquire of the Lord was to know which of all the sects was right, that I might know which to join. No sooner, therefore, did I get possession of myself, so as to be able to speak, than I asked the Personages who stood above me in the light, which of all the sects was right (for at this time it had never entered into my heart that all were wrong)—and which I should join. I was answered that I must join none of them, for they were all wrong; and the Personage who addressed me said that all their creeds were an abomination in his sight; that those professors were all corrupt; that: “they draw near to me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me, they teach for doctrines the commandments of men, having a form of godliness, but they deny the power thereof.”
** Vers 17 to 19 from [[w:Joseph Smith—History|Joseph Smith—History]] from the [[w:Pearl of Great Price (Mormonism)|Pearl of Great Price]], also called the [[w:First Vision|First Vision]]

====[[w:History of the Church (Joseph Smith)|History of the Church]] (1839)====
* The fundamental principles of our religion are the testimony of the Apostles and Prophets, concerning Jesus Christ, that He died, was buried, and rose again the third day, and ascended into heaven; and all other things which pertain to our religion are only appendages to it.
** [[w:Joseph Smith|Joseph Smith]] from [[w:History of the Church (Joseph Smith)|History of the Church]] 3:30

===The Twentieth Century===
[[File:Weston Zanzibar.jpg|thumb|You cannot claim to worship Jesus in the tabernacle if you do not pity Jesus in the slum. ~ [[Frank Weston]]]]
[[File:Adolf Hitler - Mary with Jesus (1913).jpg|thumb|If Jesus came back and saw what's going on in his name, he'd never stop throwing up. ~ [[Woody Allen]] ]]
[[File:Friedrich Kreuz im Wald.jpg|thumb|I am far within the mark when I say that all the armies that ever marched, and all the navies that ever were built, and all the parliaments that ever sat, all the kings that ever reigned, put together have not affected the [[life]] of man upon this [[earth]] as powerfully as has that One Solitary Life. ~ James Allan Francis ]]
[[File:Wassilij Dimitriewitsch Polenow 005.jpg|thumb|[[Christian anarchism]] is based upon the answer of Jesus to the Pharisees, when He said that he without [[sin]] should be the first to cast the stone, and upon the [[Sermon on the Mount]], which advises the return of [[good]] for [[evil]] and the turning of the other cheek. ~ [[Ammon Hennacy]] ]]
[[File:Brooklyn Museum - Jesus Goes Up Alone onto a Mountain to Pray (Jésus monte seul sur une montagne pour prier) - James Tissot - overall.jpg|thumb|The last two thousand years have brought about a [[duality]] in man such as he never [[experienced]] before, and yet the man who dominates this whole period was one who stood for [[wholeness]], one who proclaimed the [[Holy Ghost]]. No [[life]] in the whole [[history]] of man has been so misinterpreted, so [[woefully]] misunderstood as [[Christ]]'s. ~ [[Henry Miller]] ]]
[[File:Jesus mosaic (584).jpg|thumb|The real [[significance]] of Jesus is obscured by the widespread [[belief]] that [[organized]] [[Christianity]] truly reflects his religion. ~ [[Kirby Page]]]]
[[File:Ary Scheffer - The Temptation of Christ (1854).jpg|thumb|In the most deeply significant of the legends concerning Jesus, we are told how the [[devil]] took him up into a high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the [[world]] in a moment of [[time]]… ~ [[Upton Sinclair]] ]]
[[File:Moreau Pieta.jpg|thumb|Jesus, as we know, answered and said &quot;Get thee behind me, [[Satan]]!&quot; And he really meant it; he would have nothing to do with worldly [[glory]], with &quot;temporal [[power]];&quot; he chose the career of a revolutionary agitator, and died the [[death]] of a disturber of the [[peace]]. ~ [[Upton Sinclair]] ]]
[[File:Jesus wanted poster.jpg|thumb|'''Jesus [[w:Christ|Christ]]''' : Wanted — For Sedition, [[Christian anarchism|Criminal Anarchy]] — Vagrancy, and Conspiring to Overthrow the Established Government. ~ [[w:Art Young|Art Young]] ]]

* '''If Jesus came back and saw what's going on in his [[name]], he'd never stop throwing up.'''
**[[Woody Allen]], in ''[[Hannah and Her Sisters]]'' (1986)

* Paul, {{anchor|AndersonJND1950}}in the fifteenth chapter of his Epistle to the Corinthians, gives a detailed list of several resurrection appearances. Now there is scarcely a scholar who has doubted the genuineness of 1 Corinthians, and its date is generally accepted as about 56 A.D. But the apostle writes that he had not only previously given his readers this information orally (i.e., in 49 A.D.), but had himself 'received' it, presumably from those who were apostles before him. This may take us back to 40 A.D. or to within some ten years of the crucifixion.... Paul tells us that in 56 A.D. the majority of some 500 original witnesses were still alive....
** [[w:Norman Anderson (missionary)|Sir Norman Anderson,]] O.B.E., Q.C., LL.D., F.B.A., [http://www.biblicalstudies.org.uk/article_resurrection_anderson.html &quot;The Evidence for the Resurrection&quot;, IVP, 1950.]

* '''Jesus Christ is to me the outstanding personality of all time, all history, both as Son of God and as Son of Man.''' Everything he ever said or did has value for us today and that is something you can say of no other man, dead or alive. There is no easy middle ground to stroll upon. You either accept Jesus or reject him.
** [[w:Sholem Asch|Sholem Asch]], in an interview with Frank S. Mead of ''The Christian Herald'' (1944), as quoted in ''The Controversial Sholem Asch : An Introduction to his Fiction'' (1976) by Ben Siegel, p. 148

*Many years of work as an evangelist and as a teacher in the field of Christian principles, and a difficult cycle in which I faced the problem of my own relation to Christ and to Christianity, have brought me to two definitely clear and clean-cut recognitions: first, a recognition of the reality of the Individuality of Christ and of His Mission; and secondly, a recognition that the development of the Christ Consciousness and the Christ Nature in individual man, and in the race as a whole, carries with it the solution of our world problem... The kingdom of God is now in process of rapid formation, as all those with forward-seeing vision and a realisation of the rapidly emerging beauty and divinity of man can bear testimony. We are passing through the transition period between the old age and [[Age of Aquarius|the new]], and the true mission of Christ, so deeply and frequently obscured by theological implications and disputations, embodies in itself the coming revelation. The development of humanity guarantees the recognition of Christ and His work and its participation, consciously, in the kingdom of God. (Forward)
**[[Alice Bailey]], in ''From Bethlehem to Calvary.'' (1937)

*A myth is capable of becoming a fact in the experience of an individual, for a myth is a fact which can be proven. Upon the myths we take our stand, but we must seek to re-interpret them in the light of the present. Through self-initiated experiment we can prove their validity; through experience we can establish them as governing forces in our lives; and through their expression we can demonstrate their truth to others. This is the theme of this book, dealing as it does with the facts of the Gospel story, that fivefold sequential myth which teaches us the revelation of divinity in the Person of Jesus Christ, and which remains eternally truth, in the cosmic sense, in the historical sense, and in its practical application to the individual. This myth divides itself into five great episodes: 1. The Birth at Bethlehem. 2. The Baptism in Jordan. 3. The Transfiguration on Mount Carmel. 4. The Crucifixion on Mount Golgotha. 5. The Resurrection and Ascension. (Chapter One)
**[[Alice Bailey]], in ''From Bethlehem to Calvary.'' (1937)

*He is the World Teacher and not a Christian teacher. He Himself told us that He had other folds, and to them He has meant as much as He has meant to the orthodox Christian. They may not call Him Christ, but they have their own name for Him and follow Him as truly and faithfully as their Western brethren. 
**[[Alice Bailey]] in [https://www.lucistrust.org/online_books/the_reappearance_the_christ  &quot;The Reappearance of the Christ&quot;] (1948) p. 62

*In the future, the eyes of humanity will be fixed upon the Christ, and not upon any such man-made institutions as the Church and its dignitaries; Christ will be seen as He is in reality, working through His disciples, through [[Masters of Wisdom|the Masters of the Wisdom]], and through His followers who toil unseen (and usually unrecognised) behind world affairs. The sphere of His activity will be known to be the human heart and also the crowded market places of the world, but not some stone edifice, and not the pomp and ceremony of any ecclesiastical headquarters.
**[[Alice Bailey]] in [https://www.lucistrust.org/online_books/the_reappearance_the_christ  &quot;The Reappearance of the Christ&quot;] (1948) p. 66

* '''In Jesus, God wills to be true God not only in the height but also in the depth — in the depth of human creatureliness, sinfulness and mortality.'''
** [[Karl Barth]], as quoted in ''Basket of Gems'' (2009) by Mark Stibbe, p. 89

*And so, looking over the world at the moment, there seems little likelihood that when He comes He will be welcome. A few will recognise Him as they ever have done, and maybe, as the characteristics of the coming race are those of spirituality, there will be more to welcome Him, for the spiritual life is spreading to-day, and those who are of the Spirit will know the law of the Spirit; and I would fain leave you with the thought tonight that that is a truth, that the Supreme Teacher will again ere very long be incarnate upon earth, again made manifest as Teacher, again walking and living amongst us as last He walked in Palestine. Splendid as is the hope, mighty as is the inspiration, there is nothing too glorious to be possible for the ever-unfolding Spirit in man, and the hope of to-day is that that spirit is spreading, despite the characteristics of our time; that men are becoming more liberal, more tolerant, more ready to recognise that which is true and just. 
**[[Annie Besant]], in [http://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/57667 ''The Changing World and Lectures to Theosophical Students, Lecture VI, The Coming Christ,''] (May, June, and July 1909)

*It may well be that we have reached such a time... that the popular mind of the day will be transcended by large numbers of the more spiritually minded, and that when He comes again He will be able to stay amongst us more than the three brief years that marked His last ministry. That, then, is the word, the thought I leave with you: to develop in yourselves the Spirit of the Christ, and then at His coming you shall recognise His beauty. Learn compassion, learn tenderness, learn good thoughts of others rather than evil, learn to be tender with the weak, learn to be reverent to the great; and if you can develop those qualities in you, then the coming Christ may be able to number you among His disciples, and the welcome that the earth shall give Him shall not again be a cross.
**[[Annie Besant]], in ''The Changing World and Lectures to Theosophical Students, Lecture VI, The Coming Christ,'' (May, June, and July 1909)

*To that manifested Presence the name of &quot;the Christ&quot; may rightly be given, and it was He who lived and moved in the form of the man Jesus over the hills and plains of Palestine, teaching, healing diseases, and gathering round Him as disciples a few of the more advanced souls. The rare charm of His royal love, outpouring from Him as rays from a sun, drew round Him the suffering, the weary, and the oppressed, and the subtly tender magic of His gentle wisdom purified, ennobled, and sweetened the lives that came into contact with His own... By parable and luminous imagery He taught the uninstructed crowds who pressed around Him, and, using the powers of the free Spirit, He healed many a disease by word or touch, reinforcing the magnetic energies belonging to His pure body with the compelling force of His inner life... The teachers and rulers of His nation soon came to eye Him with jealousy and anger; His spirituality was a constant reproach to their materialism, His power a constant, though silent, exposure of their weakness. p. 136
**[[Annie Besant]] in ''Esoteric Christianity: Or, The Lesser Mysteries'' (1914) 

*The historical Christ, then, is a glorious Being belonging to the [[Masters of Wisdom|great spiritual hierarchy]] that guides the [[spiritual]] [[evolution]] of humanity, who used for some three years the human body of the disciple Jesus; who spent the last of these three years in public teaching... who was a healer of diseases and performed other remarkable [[occult]] works; who gathered round Him a small band of disciples whom He instructed in the deeper truths of the spiritual life; who drew men to Him by the singular love and tenderness and the rich [[Ageless Wisdom teachings|wisdom]] that breathed from His Person; and who was finally put to death for blasphemy, for teaching the inherent Divinity of Himself and of all men. p.141
**[[Annie Besant]] in ''Esoteric Christianity: Or, The Lesser Mysteries'' (1914) 

*But it must not be supposed that the work of the Christ for His followers was over after He had established the Mysteries, or was confined to rare appearances therein. That Mighty One who had used the body of Jesus as His vehicle, and whose guardian care extends over the whole spiritual evolution of the fifth race of humanity, gave into the strong hands of the holy disciple who had surrendered to Him his body the care of the infant Church. Perfecting his human evolution, Jesus became one of [[Masters of Wisdom|the Masters of Wisdom]], and took Christianity under His special charge, ever seeking to guide it to the right lines, to protect, to guard and nourish it. He was the Hierophant in the Christian Mysteries, the direct Teacher of the Initiates. His the inspiration that kept alight the Gnosis in the Church, until the superincumbent mass of ignorance became so great that even His breath could not fan the flame sufficiently to prevent its extinguishment. p. 142
**[[Annie Besant]] in ''Esoteric Christianity: Or, The Lesser Mysteries'' (1914) 
* Jesus' own coming was by no means so introverted and other-worldly as a [[Paul of Tarsus|Pauline]] reinterpretation&amp;mdash;always welcome to the [[ruling class]]&amp;mdash;would have it. ... To Jesus, the kingdom of this world was the devil (John 8:44). This is why he never suggested allowing it to go on; he did not conclude a non-aggression pact with it.
** [[Ernst Bloch]], ''Man On His Own'' (1970), p. 123

* From my youth onwards I have found in Jesus my great brother. That Christianity has regarded and does regard him as God and Savior has always appeared to me a fact of the highest importance which, for his sake and my own, I must endeavor to understand … '''I am more than ever certain that a great place belongs to him in Israel's history of faith and that this place cannot be described by any of the usual categories.'''
** [[Martin Buber]], in ''Two Types of Faith'' (1961) Foreword

* According to the [[New Testament]], Jesus is the man for others who views his existence as inextricably tied to other men to the degree that his own Person is inexplicable apart from others. The others, of course, refer to all men, especially the oppressed, the unwanted of society, the &quot;sinners.&quot; He is God himself coming into the very depths of human existence for the sole purpose of striking off the chains of slavery, thereby freeing man from ungodly principalities and powers that hinder his relationship with God.
** [[James Cone]], ''Black Theology and Black Power'' (1969), p. 35

* If the church ... does not make God's liberation of the oppressed central in its mission and proclamation, how can it rest easy with a condemned criminal as the dominant symbol of its message? 
** [[James Cone]], ''Speaking the Truth: Ecumenism, Liberation, and Black Theology'' (1986), p. 6

* By becoming poor and entrusting divine revelation to a carpenter from Nazareth, God makes clear where one has to be in order to hear the divine word and experience divine presence. 
** [[James Cone]], ''Speaking the Truth: Ecumenism, Liberation, and Black Theology'' (1986), p. 9

*In the [[esoteric]] tradition, the Christ is not the name of an individual but of an Office in the [esoteric spiritual] [[Hierarchy]]. The present holder of that Office... has held it for 2,600 years, and manifested in [[Palestine]] through His disciple, [[Jesus]], by the [[occult]] method of overshadowing, the most frequent form used for the manifestation of Avatars. He has never left the world, but for 2,000 years has waited and planned for this immediate future time, training His disciples, and preparing Himself for the awesome task which awaits Him... They stand now, waiting for us to take, of our own free will, the needed first steps in the direction of unity, cooperation and fusion. Then They will emerge with the Christ at Their Head, and Their Presence in the world will be an established fact. 
**[[Benjamin Creme]], in ''The Reappearance of the Christ and the Masters of Wisdom'' (1980)

*The disciple Jesus, Who is now the Master Jesus, was born in Palestine as a third-degree initiate... He was, and still is, a Disciple of the Christ and made the great sacrifice of giving up His body for the use of the Christ. By the... process of overshadowing, the Christ, Maitreya, took over and worked through the body of Jesus from the Baptism onwards. In His next incarnation, as Apollonius of Tyana, Jesus became a Master. 
**[[Benjamin Creme]], in ''The Reappearance of the Christ and the Masters of Wisdom'' (1980)

*He lives now in a Syrian body which is some 600 years old, and has His base in Palestine. He has, in the last 2,000 years, worked in the closest relation to the Christ, saving His time and energy where possible, and has special work to do with the Christian Churches. He is one of the Masters Who will very shortly return to outer work in the world, taking over the Throne of St Peter, in Rome. He will seek to transform the Christian Churches, in so far as they are flexible enough to respond correctly to the new reality which the return of the Christ and [[Masters of Wisdom|the Masters]] will create. [Author's note, 2006: The Master Jesus is now living on the outskirts of Rome.] &lt;BR&gt; I am afraid that the Churches have gone very far away from the religion which the Christ inaugurated; which is to do with sharing, with love, with brotherhood and right relationship.
**[[Benjamin Creme]], in ''The Reappearance of the Christ and the Masters of Wisdom'' (1980)

*Two thousand years ago...[the Christ] overshadowed His disciple Jesus for three years, and Jesus became Jesus the Messiah, or, translated into the Greek, Jesus the Christ. The Christ Himself is Maitreya. His consciousness, from the baptism to the crucifixion, manifested through Jesus and inaugurated the Piscean age which is now coming to an end. Maitreya has come back into the world now to carry on what He began through Jesus, and will complete in the age of Aquarius which is now beginning... Jesus taught through Mohammed. As Maitreya had taught through Him, so He taught through Mohammed. The Buddha taught through the Prince Gautama and Mithra, and Maitreya also taught through Krishna and Shankaracharya at previous times.
**[[Benjamin Creme]], ''[https://share-international.org/books_AWT.html The Ageless Wisdom Teaching]'' (1996)   
 
*The Master Jesus... in Palestine was a very advanced disciple, a fourth-degree initiate, just short of a Master. He took the fourth initiation, the Crucifixion, openly, on the outer plane. Normally you are not expected to die on a cross when you take the fourth initiation. He did that to symbolize for us, dramatically, that great experience of renunciation. He is now a Master, becoming a Master in His immediate next life as [[Apollonius of Tyana|Appolonius of Tyana]], who opened an ashram in north India, where He is buried. From that fact has come the legend that somehow Jesus did not die on the cross, that He was secreted out of Palestine and went to India and is buried there. It was the Being who was Jesus, but in His next incarnation as Appolonius. Jesus is now a very advanced Master. In the seventh to eighth century He went to America and taught the Indian populations, then went out into the Pacific and taught the Polynesians. They all have the legend of a white man who came and taught, and the names are all related to the word `Jesus'. 
**[[Benjamin Creme]], ''[https://share-international.org/books_AWT.html The Ageless Wisdom Teaching]'' (1996)       

*Some of the people around Maitreya were around Jesus in Palestine... [[John the Evangelist|John the Beloved]] is now the [[Koot Hoomi|Master Koot Hoomi]]... We will see Them very shortly. The [[Jesus|Master Jesus]], the best-known Master of all, is already in the world, and has been living in the outskirts of Rome for about seven years.
**[[Benjamin Creme]], [https://www.share-international.org/archives/religion/faq_religion.htm Religion - FAQ,] ''Share International'' (March 1996)

*We, as Christians, are asked to take a very great deal on trust; the teachings, for example, and the miracles of Jesus. If we had to take all on trust, I, for one, should be sceptical. The crux of the problem of whether Jesus was, or was not, what he proclaimed himself to be, must surely depend upon the truth or otherwise of the resurrection. On that greatest point we are not merely asked to have faith. In its favour as a living truth there exists such overwhelming evidence, positive and negative, factual and circumstantial, that no intelligent jury in the world could fail to bring in a verdict that the resurrection story is true.
** [[w:Charles Darling, 1st Baron Darling|Lord Darling,]] who deputised for the Lord Chief Justice 1914-1918, quoted by [[w:Michael Green (theologian)|Michael Green]] in &quot;Man Alive&quot;, IVP, 1967

* Jesus was not divine because he was less human than his fellowmen but for the opposite reason that he was supremely human, and it is this of which his divinity consists, the fullness and perfection of him as an intellectual, moral and spiritual human being.
** [[Eugene Debs]], &quot;Jesus, the Supreme Leader,&quot; in ''Coming Nation'', March 1914

* He has been disfigured and distorted by cunning priests to serve their knavish ends and by ignorant idolaters to give godly sanction to their blind bigotry and savage superstition. He has persisted in spite of two thousand years of theological emasculation to destroy his revolutionary personality.
** [[Eugene Debs]], &quot;Jesus, the Supreme Leader,&quot; in ''Coming Nation'', March 1914

* I had the good luck a few years ago to visit the archeological site of [[w:Sepphoris|Zippori]] in Israel... I could see here displayed the Greek culture that Jesus decisively rejected, the same Greek culture that infiltrated the Christian religion soon after his death and has dominated Christianity ever since.
** [[Freeman Dyson]], ''The Scientist As Rebel'' (2006)

* First, Jesus was no simple peasant, but grew up in intimate contact with an urban and overwhelmingly Greek culture. And second, he intended to lead a spiritual regeneration of his people, based on a total repudiation of Greek culture. In all his preaching, he quotes from the Law and the Prophets, the old Hebrew scriptures. After seeing what the Greek culture had to offer, he went back to his Hebrew roots.
** [[Freeman Dyson]], ''The Scientist As Rebel'' (2006)

* As a child I received instruction both in the Bible and in the Talmud. I am a Jew, but I am enthralled by the luminous figure of the Nazarene. ... No one can read the Gospels without feeling the actual presence of Jesus. His personality pulsates in every word. No myth is filled with such life.
** [[Albert Einstein]], physicist (1879–1955) (from: [http://jmm.aaa.net.au/articles/13353.htm])

* Not a single one of our ancient sources indicates that Jesus was married, let alone married to [[Mary Magdalene]]. All such claims are part of modem fictional reconstructions of Jesus' life, not rooted in the surviving accounts themselves. The historical approach to our sources may not be as exciting and sensationalist as fictional claims about Jesus (he kept a lover! he had sex! he made babies!), but there's something to be said for knowing what really happened in history, even if it is not as titillating as what happens in novels.
** [[Bart D. Ehrman]], ''Truth and Fiction in The Da Vinci Code'' (2004), Ch. 7: &quot;Jesus, Mary Magdalene, and Marriage&quot;

* '''Here is a man who was born in an obscure village, the child of a peasant woman.''' He grew up in another obscure village, where He worked in a carpenter shop until He was thirty, and then for three years He was an itinerant preacher. He never wrote a book. He never held an office. He never owned a home. He never had a family. He never went to college. He never put his foot inside a big city. He never traveled two hundred miles from the place where He was born. He never did one of the things that usually accompany greatness. '''He had no credentials but Himself. He had nothing to do with this world except the naked power of His divine manhood.''' While still a young man, the tide of public opinion turned against Him. His friends ran away. One of them denied Him. He was turned over to His enemies. He went through the mockery of a trial. He was nailed to a cross between two thieves. His executioners gambled for the only piece of property He had on earth while He was dying — and that was [[w: Seamless robe of Jesus|his coat]]. When he was dead He was taken down and laid in a borrowed grave through the pity of a friend. Nineteen wide centuries have come and gone and today He is the centerpiece of the [[human]] race and the [[leader]] of the column of [[progress]]. '''I am far within the mark when I say that all the armies that ever marched, and all the navies that ever were built, and all the parliaments that ever sat, all the kings that ever reigned, put together have not affected the [[life]] of man upon this [[earth]] as powerfully as has that One Solitary Life.'''
** [[James Allan Francis]], ''One Solitary Life'' (1963), p. 1–7. This miniature book, made up entirely of the text above, was hand set and printed by Doris V. Welsh, a former staff member of the Newberry Library, in an edition of 150 copies. No information in the book is given for the first published source of this essay by James Allan Francis, D. D. (1864–1928), nor could it be found in the essays and sermons by Francis in the collections of his writings in the Library of Congress. Nor was the Newberry Library able to identify the original published source. As an anonymous work and with some variations in the text, &quot;One Solitary Life&quot; was published in The Irish Echo, December 27, 1969, p. 10; in the Congressional Record, December 23, 1969, vol. 115, p. 13105; and on a variety of Christmas greeting cards in the 1970s and 1980s.

* Jesus was the first socialist, the first to seek a better life for mankind.
**[[Mikhail Gorbachev]], as quoted in ''Daily Telegraph'' (16 June 1992)

* I'm hoping that [the defrauded faithful will] see that it's not necessary to look to some person to jerk you off to get off and put your belief in.
** [[w:MarJoe Gortner|MarJoe Gortner]], one-time child evangelist who [http://youtube.com/watch?v=6O0p4ZDnDoQ exposed] the fraudulence of fundamentalist Christian sermons in America in the 1972 academy-award winning documentary ''[[w:MarJoe|MarJoe]]''. He estimates that he raised $3 million (1960s) dollars in donations.

* Would you get out your checkbook tonight? … Bring what you would for JESUS tonight.
** [[w:MarJoe Gortner|MarJoe Gortner]], one-time child evangelist who [http://youtube.com/watch?v=6O0p4ZDnDoQ exposed] the fraudulence of fundamentalist Christian sermons in America in the 1972 academy-award winning documentary ''[[w:MarJoe|MarJoe]]''. He estimates that he raised $3 million (1960s) dollars in donations.

* [To an elderly women requesting a blessing.] Do you believe that the Lord's going to do it tonight? Do you believe that he's going to touch this condition? Say Yes Lord. Say THANK YOU JESUS! In the name of Jesus! In the name of JESUS! [Woman collapses in euphoria.] Thank you Jesus. Hallelujah!
** [[w:MarJoe Gortner|MarJoe Gortner]], one-time child evangelist who [http://youtube.com/watch?v=6O0p4ZDnDoQ exposed] the fraudulence of fundamentalist Christian sermons in America in the 1972 academy-award winning documentary ''[[w:MarJoe|MarJoe]]''. He estimates that he raised $3 million (1960s) dollars in donations.

* '''[[Christian anarchism]] is based upon the answer of Jesus to the Pharisees, when He said that he without sin should be the first to cast the stone, and upon the Sermon on the Mount, which advises the return of good for evil and the turning of the other cheek.''' Therefore, when we take any part in government by voting for legislative, judicial, and executive officials, we make these men our arm by which we cast a stone and deny the Sermon on the Mount. &lt;br /&gt; The dictionary definition of a Christian is one who follows Christ; kind, kindly, Christ-like. Anarchism is voluntary cooperation for good, with the right of secession. '''A Christian anarchist is therefore one who turns the other cheek, overturns the tables of the moneychangers, and does not need a cop to tell him how to behave. A Christian anarchist does not depend upon bullets or ballots to achieve his ideal; he achieves that ideal daily by the One-Man Revolution with which he faces a decadent, confused, and dying world.'''
** [[Ammon Hennacy]], &quot;Christian Anarchism&quot; in ''The Book of Ammon'' (1965)

* I say: my feeling as a Christian points me to my Lord and Saviour as a fighter. It points me to the man who once in loneliness, surrounded only by a few followers, recognized these Jews for what they were and summoned men to the fight against them and who, God's truth! was greatest not as sufferer but as fighter. In boundless love as a Christian and as a man I read through the passage which tells us how the Lord at last rose in His might and seized the scourge to drive out of the Temple the brood of vipers and of adders. How terrific was His fight for the world against the Jewish poison. Today, after two thousand years, with deepest emotion I recognize more profoundly than ever before — the fact that it was for this that He had to shed His blood upon the Cross.
** [[Adolf Hitler]], [http://humanitas-international.org/showcase/chronography/speeches/1922-04-12.html Munich speech of April 12, 1922]

* The best characterization is provided by the product of this religious education, the Jew himself. His life is only of this world, and his spirit is inwardly as alien to true Christianity as his nature two thousand years previous was to the great founder of the new doctrine. Of course, the latter made no secret of his attitude toward the Jewish people, and when necessary he even took the whip to drive from the temple of the Lord this adversary of all humanity, who then as always saw in religion nothing but an instrument for his business existence. In return, Christ was nailed to the cross, while our present-day party Christians debase themselves to begging for Jewish votes at elections and later try to arrange political swindles with atheistic Jewish parties&amp;mdash;and this against their own nation.
** [[Adolf Hitler]], ''[[w:Mein Kampf|Mein Kampf]]'' (1925), Vol. 1, Chapter 11
** Variant translation: And the founder of Christianity made no secret indeed of his estimation of the Jewish people. When He found it necessary, He drove those enemies of the human race out of the Temple of God.
*** Vol. 1, p. 174

* All good men are anarchists. All cultured, kindly men; all gentlemen; all just men are anarchists. '''Jesus was an anarchist.'''
** [[Elbert Hubbard]], in ''A Message to Garcia and Thirteen Other Things'' (1901), p. 147

* Listen, Christ, &lt;br /&gt; You did alright in your day, I reckon— &lt;br /&gt; But that day's gone now. &lt;br /&gt; They ghosted you up a swell story, too, &lt;br /&gt; Called it Bible— &lt;br /&gt; But it's dead now. &lt;br /&gt; The popes and the preachers've &lt;br /&gt; Made too much money from it. &lt;br /&gt; They've sold you too many &lt;br /&gt; &lt;br /&gt; Kings, generals, robbers, and killers— &lt;br /&gt; Even to the Czar and the Cossacks, &lt;br /&gt; Even to Rockefeller's church, &lt;br /&gt; Even to THE SATURDAY EVENING POST. &lt;br /&gt; You ain't no good no more. &lt;br /&gt; They've pawned you &lt;br /&gt; Till you've done wore out. &lt;br /&gt; &lt;br /&gt; Goodbye, &lt;br /&gt; Christ Jesus Lord God Jehova, &lt;br /&gt; Beat it on away from here now. &lt;br /&gt; Make way for a new guy with no religion at all— &lt;br /&gt; A real guy named &lt;br /&gt; Marx Communist Lenin Peasant Stalin Worker ME— &lt;br /&gt; I said, ME! &lt;br /&gt; &lt;br /&gt; Go Ahead on now, &lt;br /&gt; You're getting in the way of things, Lord. &lt;br /&gt; And please take Saint Ghandi [sic] with you when you go, &lt;br /&gt; And Saint Pope Pius, &lt;br /&gt; And Saint Aimee McPherson, &lt;br /&gt; And big black Saint Becton &lt;br /&gt; Of the Consecrated Dime. &lt;br /&gt; And step on the gas, Christ! &lt;br /&gt; &lt;br /&gt; Move! &lt;br /&gt; Don't be so slow about movin'! &lt;br /&gt; The world is mine from now on— &lt;br /&gt; And nobody's gonna sell ME &lt;br /&gt; To a king, or a general, &lt;br /&gt; Or a millionaire.
** [[Langston Hughes]], &quot;Goodbye Christ,&quot; The Negro Worker, November/December 1932, p. 32

* '''Jesus was an anarchist savior. That's what the Gospels tell us.'''
** [[Ivan Illich]], [http://www.davidtinapple.com/illich/1988_Educational.html ''The Educational enterprise in the Light of the Gospel'', Chicago (13 November 1988)]


* He comes into the world God knows how, walks on the water, gets out of his grave and goes up off the Hill of Howth. What drivel is this?
** [[James Joyce]], ''Stephen Hero'', ch. 21 (1944)

* '''Although Jesus is widely considered mankind's greatest moral teacher, the greatest Christians, not to speak of scholars, have never been able to agree what his moral teachings were.''' Matthew, and he alone, reports that Jesus said: &quot;Let your Yes be Yes, and your No, No.&quot; But the four Evangelists agree in ascribing to Jesus evasive and equivocal answers to plain questions, not only those of the high priest and Pilate; and '''quite generally the Jesus of the New Testament avoids straightforward statements, preferring parables and hyperboles.''' Some of the parables are so ambiguous that different Evangelists, not to speak of later [[theologian]]s, offer different interpretations. … '''On concrete moral issues, Jesus can be, and has been, cited on almost all sides.'''
** [[Walter Kaufmann (philosopher)|Walter Kaufmann]], in &quot;The Faith of a Heretic&quot; in ''Harper's Magazine'' (February 1959)

* '''Jesus is not an impractical [[idealist]]; he is the [practical [[realist]].'''
* I am certain that Jesus [[understood]] the [[difficulty]] inherent in the act of [[loving]] one's [[enemy]]. He never joined the ranks of those who talk glibly about the easiness of the moral life. He realized that every genuine expression of love grows out of a consistent and total surrender to God. So when Jesus said &quot;love your enemy,&quot; he was not unmindful of its stringent qualities. Yet he meant every word of it. Our responsibility as Christians is to discover the meaning of this command and seek passionately to live it out in our daily lives.
:* [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], [http://www.skeptictank.org/files/socialis/mlk.htm &quot;Loving Your Enemies&quot;]. Dexter Avenue Baptist Church, Montgomery, Alabama (25 December 1957).

* Jesus recognized the need for blending opposites. He knew that his disciples would face a difficult and hostile world, where they would confront the recalcitrance of political officials and the intransigence of the protectors of the old order. He knew that they would meet cold and arrogant men whose hearts had been hardened by the long winter of traditionalism. … And he gave them a formula for action, &quot;Be ye therefore as [[wise]] as serpents, and [[harmless]] as doves.&quot; … We must combine the toughness of the serpent with the softness of the dove, a tough mind and a tender heart.
** [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], [http://books.google.gr/books?id=suOrdSCO_7gC&amp;q= &quot;Strength to Love&quot;], Ch. 1 : A tough mind and a tender heart, (1963).

* '''Jesus Christ was an [[extremist]] for [[love]], [[truth]] and [[goodness]].'''
** [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], &quot;{{w|Letter from a Birmingham Jail}}&quot; (1963).

* I've come here to tell the most exciting story in the history of mankind: the life of Jesus Christ. I'm not talking about the Jesus in those horribly gaudy pictures. Not the Jesus with the jaundice-yellow skin&amp;mdash;whom crazy human society has turned into the biggest whore of all time. Whose corpse they perversely drag around on disgraceful crosses. I don't mean the jabbering about God or the blubbering hymns. I don't mean the Jesus whose moldy kiss frightens little girls out of horny dreams before their First Communion and then make them die of shame and disgust when they foam in the latrines. I'm talking about the ''man'': the restless man who says we have to turn over a new leaf all the time, now! I'm talking about the adventurer, the freest, most fearless, most modern of all men, the one who preferred being massacred to rotting with others. I'm talking about the man who is like what all of us want to be. You and I.
** [[Klaus Kinski]], in ''Kinski Uncut : The Autobiography of Klaus Kinski'' (1996), p. 1–2

* After the fall of so many gods in this century, this person, broken at the hands of his opponents and constantly betrayed through the ages by his adherents, is obviously still for innumerable people the most moving figure in the long history of mankind.
** [[w:Hans Küng|Hans Küng]], theologian (b. 1928) (from: [http://jmm.aaa.net.au/articles/13353.htm])

* I accept the resurrection of Easter Sunday not as an invention of the community of disciples, but as a historical event. If the resurrection of Jesus from the dead on that Easter Sunday were a public event which had been made known...not only to the 530 Jewish witnesses but to the entire population, all Jews would have become followers of Jesus.
** [[w:Pinchas Lapide|Pinchas Lapide]], Orthodox Jewish scholar (b. 1922) (from: [http://jmm.aaa.net.au/articles/13353.htm])

* '''The true founder of anarchy was [[Jesus]] [[w:Christ|Christ]] and … the first anarchist society was that of the apostles.'''
** Georges Lechartier, as quoted in [http://www.ditext.com/woodcock/anarch.html ''Anarchism : A History of Libertarian Ideas and Movements'' (1962)] by [[George Woodcock]], [http://www.ditext.com/woodcock/2.html Part One : The Idea, Ch. 2 : The Family Tree p. 36]

* [The lawless men of Acts 2:23 who nailed Jesus to the cross and killed Him include] Judas Iscariot, chief priests, officers of the temple, elders, the high priest and Jewish Sanhedrin, Pilate, Herod, and the Roman soldiers – mainly the Jewish religionists with their deputies and the Gentile politicians with their subordinates. This indicates that Jesus was killed by all mankind.
** [[w:Witness Lee|Witness Lee]], The Acts of the Apostles, Recovery version, p. 13, ''Living Stream Ministry'', December 1984

* I am trying to prevent anyone saying the really foolish thing that people often say about Him, 'I'm ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don't accept His claim to be God.' That is the sort of thing we must not say. '''A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would either be a lunatic — on a level with the man who says he is a poached egg — or He would be the devil of hell.''' You must make a choice. Either this man was, and is, the Son of God; or else a madman or something worse. You can shut Him up for a fool, you can spit at Him and kill him as a demon; or you can fall at His feet and call Him Lord and God. But let us not come with any patronizing nonsense about His being a great human teacher. He has not left that open to us. He did not intend to.
** [[C. S. Lewis]] (from: ''Mere Christianity''[http://jmm.aaa.net.au/articles/13353.htm])

*Jesus of Nazareth and the [[Christ]] are not one and the same person. This is one of the most difficult claims for many Christians to accept in connection with [[Maitreya (Theosophy)|Maitreya]], the World Teacher, and it therefore needs some further explanation. In fact, the title Christ does not refer to an individual at all. It is the name of a function in the [[Masters of Wisdom|Hierarchy of Masters of Wisdom]], that group of advanced beings who guide the evolution of humanity from behind the scenes. ... In reality Jesus was a fourth-degree initiate and one of the older disciples of the Masters of Wisdom. He appeared before in biblical times as Joshua, the son of Nun, then as [[Isaiah]], and again as Joshua in the book of Zachariah... The events from Jesus' life and his words have been greatly misinterpreted due to this little-understood connection between his work and that of Maitreya the Christ. This has given rise to the age-old theological point of contention -- namely, whether Jesus was God or man, or perhaps both together. The answer is that Jesus was a man who, as a result of the process of evolution, became a Son of God -- as does everyone eventually. Others had gone before him on that path and many have taken it since.
**[https://share-international.org/archives/AgelessWisdom/aw_pl-JnM.htm Peter Liefhebber in Maitreya the Christ, ''Share International Magazine''] (April 1999)

*The Master Jesus has been incarnate in a Syrian body for about 640 years. He is described in ''Initiation, Human and Solar'' by [[Alice A. Bailey]]...as follows: He is rather a martial figure, a disciplinarian and a man of iron rule and will. He is tall and spare with rather a long thin face, black hair, pale complexion, and piercing blue eyes. In the Hierarchy he is described as the Great Leader, the General and the Wise Executive. No one is so closely in touch with the people who stand for all that is best in the Christian teachings and no-one is so well aware of the needs of the present moment. During most of this time he has lived mainly in Palestine. Since 1984, however, he has lived in Rome. The intention is that he will try to raise the Christian churches out of their state of crystallization and rivalry and, if invited to do so, to lead a newly united church. By doing so he hopes to resolve the many contradictions and misunderstandings which have arisen during the course of the centuries about his historic role and the teachings which he then disseminated as a vehicle for Maitreya.
**[https://share-international.org/archives/AgelessWisdom/aw_pl-JnM.htm Peter Liefhebber in Maitreya the Christ, ''Share International Magazine''] (April 1999)

* Christ is a new man. The new man is a Soviet man. Therefore Christ is a Soviet man!
** [[w:Justinian Marina|Justinian Marina]], [[w:Romania|Romanian]] patriarch, quoted by [[w:Czesław Miłosz|Czesław Miłosz]] in ''[[w:The Captive Mind|The Captive Mind]]'' (1953)

*'''Jesus, not [[Julius Caesar|Cæsar]]''', I repeat,—this is the meaning of our [[history]] and [[democracy]].
** {{citation
|title=The Religious Conditions in Czechoslovakia
|year=c1921
|first=Tomáš
|last=Garrigue Masaryk
| authorlink=Tomáš Garrigue Masaryk
| page=7
|url=https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/The_Religious_Conditions_in_Czechoslovakia
}}

* The last two thousand years have brought about a duality in man such as he never experienced before, and yet the man who dominates this whole period was one who stood for [[wholeness]], one who proclaimed the [[Holy Ghost]]. '''No [[life]] in the whole [[history]] of man has been so misinterpreted, so woefully misunderstood as [[Christ]]'s.'''
** [[Henry Miller]] in ''The Wisdom of the Heart'' (1941)

* '''[[Political]] leaders are never leaders. For leaders we have to look to the Awakeners!''' [[Laozi|Lao Tse]], [[Gautama Buddha|Buddha]], [[Socrates]], '''Jesus''', [[w:Milarepa|Milarepa]], [[G. I. Gurdjieff|Gurdjiev]], [[Jiddu Krishnamurti|Krishnamurti]].
** [[Henry Miller]], in ''My Bike &amp; Other Friends'' (1977), p. 12

*The disciples asked [[Jesus]]: Who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind?&quot; (John 9:2-3) How could a man sin before he was born, unless the sin was committed in [[Reincarnation|another life]]? The apostles are not asking what kind of sin resulted in blindness, but *who* sinned, taking for granted that the act of sinning itself brought about this dire result.&lt;BR&gt; Furthermore, the sin could have been committed either by the man in a previous existence, or by his parents. This implies both that the sins of the parents are visited upon the children, which is a biblical doctrine, and that the soul exists and therefore pays for the transgressions of previous lives.&lt;BR&gt; Jesus does not rebuff the apostles for asking such a question. If the doctrine had been alien to his mind, he would have told them that they were talking nonsense. 
**Jeanine Miller, in [https://www.share-international.org/archives/AgelessWisdom/aw_jmreincarn.htm ''Reincarnation and karma in the Bible (Share International)'']

* In his own lifetime Jesus made no impact on history. This is something that I cannot but regard as a special dispensation on God's part, and, I like to think, yet another example of the ironical humour which informs so many of his purposes. To me, it seems highly appropriate that the most important figure in all history should thus escape the notice of memoirists, diarists, commentators, all the tribe of chroniclers who even then existed.
** [[Malcolm Muggeridge]], journalist (1903–90) (from: [http://jmm.aaa.net.au/articles/13353.htm])

* '''Jesus died too soon. If he had lived to my age he would have repudiated his doctrine.'''
** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], ''[[w:Thus Spoke Zarathustra|Thus Spoke Zarathustra]]''

* When Jesus and his disciples are said to be in the world but not of the world, the meaning is clear enough. Although they live in the world they are not worldly, they do not subscribe to the present values and standards of the world. ... The values of the kingdom [of God] are different from, and opposed to, the values of this world. There is no reason for thinking that it means the kingdom will float in the air somewhere above the earth or that it will be an abstract entity without any tangible social and political structure.
** [[Albert Nolan]], ''Jesus Before Christianity: The Gospel of Liberation'' (1976), p. 48

* '''Jesus wanted to [[Liberty|liberate]] everyone from the [[law]] — from all laws. But this could not be achieved by abolishing or changing the law. He had to dethrone the law.''' He had to ensure that the law be man’s servant and not his master (Mark 2:27-28). '''Man must therefore take [[responsibility]] for his servant, the law, and use it to serve the needs of [[mankind]].'''
** [[Albert Nolan]], in ''Jesus Before Christianity: The Gospel of Liberation'' (1976), p. 72

* It is imperative that the contrasts between Christianity and Jesus be clearly revealed and strongly emphasized. First, because the real significance of Jesus is obscured by the widespread belief that organized Christianity truly reflects his religion; and second, because it will be practically impossible to abolish giant evils while they are hallowed by the blessing of the churches. As long as ministers and laymen labor under the delusion that contemporary Christianity is the same religion that Jesus practiced they will remain immunized against his way of life and will lack the vision.
** [[Kirby Page]], ''Jesus or Christianity A Study In Contrasts'' (1929)

* Those persons who were responsible for his tragic death had only the faintest understanding of what he was seeking to accomplish. Even his own disciples so completely misinterpreted his teaching that at the very end they argued among themselves as to who should have the chief places. ...they still visualized twelve thrones of solid gold and quarreled among themselves over the seats of honor on the right and left of the king. How much less able to fathom the meaning of his words and deeds were the ecclesiastical leaders.
** [[Kirby Page]], ''Jesus or Christianity A Study In Contrasts'' (1929)

* Where is it that the youth is to seek the energy to subdue his genital titillations? In [[faith]] in Jesus! As a matter of fact, he does derive an enormous [[power]] against his [[sexuality]] from his faith in Jesus. What is the basis of its mechanism? The [[mystical]] experience puts him in a state of vegetative excitation, which never culminates in natural orgastic gratification. The youth’s sexual drive develops in a passive [[homosexual]] direction. In terms of the drive’s energy, passive homosexuality is the most effective counterpart of [[natural]] [[masculine]] sexuality, for it replaces [[activity]] and [[aggression]] by [[passivity]] and [[masochistic]] [[attitudes]], that is to say, by precisely those attitudes that determine the mass basis of [[patriarchal]] [[authoritarian]] mysticism in the [[human]] structure. At the same time, however, this implies unquestioning [[loyalty]], faith in authority and ability to adapt to the institution of patriarchal compulsive [[marriage]]. In short, religious mysticism pits one sexual drive against another.
** [[Wilhelm Reich]], ''The Mass Psychology of Fascism'', (1933), p. 163.

* [[Healthy]] [[adolescent]] [[sexuality]] would not necessarily have to stifle [[veneration]] for the Jesus [[legend]]. The [[Bible|Old and the New Testament]] can be [[appreciated]] as stupendous [[achievements]] of the [[human]] [[mind]], but this appreciation should not be used to suppress sexuality. My [[medical]] [[experience]] has [[taught]] me that adolescents who are sexually [[sick]] have an unhealthy appreciation of the [[legend]] of Jesus. 
** [[Wilhelm Reich]], ''The Mass Psychology of Fascism'', (1933), p. 168.

* Will you touch, will you mend me Christ? &lt;br /&gt; Won't you touch, will you heal me Christ? &lt;br /&gt; Will you kiss, can you cure me Christ? &lt;br /&gt; Won't you kiss, won't you pay me Christ? &lt;br /&gt; 
:See my eyes, I can hardly see &lt;br /&gt; See me stand, I can hardly walk &lt;br /&gt; I believe you can make me whole &lt;br /&gt; See my tongue, I can hardly talk. &lt;br /&gt; 
:See my skin, I'm a mass of blood &lt;br /&gt; See my legs, I can hardly stand &lt;br /&gt; I believe you can make me well &lt;br /&gt; See my purse, I'm a poor, poor man.
:* [[Jesus Christ Superstar]], lyrics by Tim Rice (1970)

* So you are the Christ you're the great Jesus Christ &lt;br /&gt; Prove to me that you're divine - change my water into wine &lt;br /&gt; That's all you need to do then I'll know it's all true &lt;br /&gt; C'mon King of the Jews.
:Prove to me that you're no fool - walk across my swimming pool &lt;br /&gt; If you do that for me then I'll let you go free &lt;br /&gt; C'mon King of the Jews.
:* [[Jesus Christ Superstar]], lyrics by Tim Rice (1970)

* I remember when this whole thing began &lt;br /&gt; No talk of God then, we called you a man &lt;br /&gt; And believe me, my admiration for you hasn't died &lt;br /&gt; But every word you say today &lt;br /&gt; Gets twisted round some other way &lt;br /&gt; And they'll hurt if they think you've lied.
:* [[w:Tim Rice|Tim Rice]], [[Jesus Christ Superstar]] (1970): [[w:Judas|Judas]] in &quot;Heaven on Their Minds&quot; 

* You ask whether it is possible to understand the indication regarding the appearance of Christ in lesser images and in reality. Certainly. Medievalism made an inaccessible idol of Christ and deprived him of any humanity, therefore also of divinity. Thus, all the Teachings of the East proclaim that there is no god (or gods) who was not at one time a man. Such a forced separation of Christ from human essence threatened and still threatens a complete break in the communion of humanity with the Higher World. One can trace how in the Middle Ages there appeared every now and then great saints who tried to re-establish this almost lost communion, and all of them insisted precisely on the human essence of Christ. Especially strong affirmations of this can be found in the pages of the autobiography of [[Teresa of Ávila|St. Theresa]], the Spanish saint of the sixteenth century, and still earlier, in the visions and writings of [[Catherine of Siena|St. Catherine of Siena]] and St. Gertrude. Thus, the form and the quality of the visions and communications received through such communion always correspond with the level of the consciousness of those who see and receive them, and also with the needs of the time. As it was said, &quot;In is precisely by following the character of the visions that the best history of the intellect may be written.&quot;
**[[Helena Roerich]], ''Letters of Helena Roerich II'', (2 April 1936)

*I strongly recommend that all read the autobiography of [[Teresa of Ávila|St. Theresa]]. In spite of the fact that this work went through the &quot;spiritual&quot; censorship of the Church, some amazing pages have been preserved. By propagating the dogma of Jesus Christ as the only begotten Son of God, the Church contradicts the very sense of the prayer given to us by Jesus Christ himself, &quot;Our Father which art in heaven.&quot; And also the words of the Scriptures, &quot;So God created man in his own image.&quot; (Genesis 1:27) Thus, by claiming the exclusiveness of sonship and divine origin for Jesus Christ, the Church, by that very claim, forever divorced him from mankind. From this came a whole train of grave events; the exclusion of Jesus Christ from the life of humanity, the obliteration of his human Sacrifice and the awful suggestion implying that the death of Christ on the Cross saved humanity from &quot;original&quot; sin (?!) and from all subsequent sins.
** [[Helena Roerich]], in ''Letters of Helena Roerich II'', (2 April 1936)
 
* It is generally taken for granted that we should all agree that [Christ was the best and the wisest of men]. I do not myself.
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''[[w:Why I am not a Christian|Why I am not a Christian]]'' (1927), &quot;The Character of Christ&quot;

* You will remember that Christ said, &quot;Judge not lest ye be judged.&quot; That principle I do not think you would find was popular in the law courts of Christian countries. I have known in my time quite a number of judges who were very earnest Christians, and none of them felt that they were acting contrary to Christian principles in what they did. Then Christ says, &quot;Give to him that asketh of thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away.&quot; That is a very good principle... Then there is one other maxim of Christ which I think has a great deal in it, but I do not find that it is very popular among some of our Christian friends. '''He says, &quot;If thou wilt be perfect, go and sell that which thou hast, and give to the poor.&quot; That is a very excellent maxim, but, as I say, it is not much practised.''' All these, I think, are good maxims, although they are a little difficult to live up to. '''I do not profess to live up to them myself; but then, after all, it is not quite the same thing as for a Christian.'''
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''[http://www.users.drew.edu/~jlenz/whynot.html Why I am not a Christian]'' (1927), &quot;The Character of Christ&quot;

* Having granted the excellence of these maxims, I come to certain points in which I do not believe that one can grant either the superlative wisdom or the superlative goodness of Christ as depicted in the Gospels... there one does find some things that do not seem to be very wise. For one thing, he certainly thought that His second coming would occur in clouds of glory before the death of all the people who were living at that time. There are a great many texts that prove that. He says, for instance, &quot;Ye shall not have gone over the cities of Israel till the Son of Man be come.&quot; Then he says, &quot;There are some standing here which shall not taste death till the Son of Man comes into His kingdom&quot;; and there are a lot of places where '''it is quite clear that He believed that His second coming would happen during the lifetime of many then living.''' That was the belief of His earlier followers, and it was the basis of a good deal of His moral teaching. When He said, &quot;Take no thought for the morrow,&quot; and things of that sort, it was very largely because He thought that the second coming was going to be very soon, and that all ordinary mundane affairs did not count. I have, as a matter of fact, known some Christians who did believe that the second coming was imminent. I knew a parson who frightened his congregation terribly by telling them that the second coming was very imminent indeed, but they were much consoled when they found that he was planting trees in his garden. The early Christians did really believe it, and they did abstain from such things as planting trees in their gardens, because they did accept from Christ the belief that the second coming was imminent. '''In that respect, clearly He was not so wise as some other people have been, and He was certainly not superlatively wise.'''
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''Why I am not a Christian'' (1927), &quot;Defects in Christ's Teaching&quot;

* '''There is one very serious defect to my mind in Christ's moral character, and that is that He believed in Hell.''' I do not myself feel that any person who is really profoundly humane can believe in everlasting punishment. Christ certainly as depicted in the Gospels did believe in everlasting punishment, and one does find repeatedly a vindictive fury against those people who would not listen to His preaching — an attitude which is not uncommon with preachers, but which does somewhat detract from superlative excellence... You will find that in the Gospels Christ said, &quot;Ye serpents, ye generation of vipers, how can ye escape the damnation of Hell.&quot; That was said to people who did not like His preaching. It is not really to my mind quite the best tone, and there are a great many of these things about Hell. There is, of course, the familiar text about the sin against the Holy Ghost: &quot;Whosoever speaketh against the Holy Ghost it shall not be forgiven him neither in this World nor in the world to come.&quot; That text has caused an unspeakable amount of misery in the world, for all sorts of people have imagined that they have committed the sin against the Holy Ghost, and thought that it would not be forgiven them either in this world or in the world to come. I really do not think that a person with a proper degree of kindliness in his nature would have put fears and terrors of that sort into the world.
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''Why I am not a Christian'' (1927), &quot;The Moral Problem&quot;

* Christ says, &quot;The Son of Man shall send forth His angels, and they shall gather out of His kingdom all things that offend, and them which do iniquity, and shall cast them into a furnace of fire; there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth&quot;; and He goes on about the wailing and gnashing of teeth. It comes in one verse after another, and it is quite manifest to the reader that there is a certain pleasure in contemplating wailing and gnashing of teeth, or else it would not occur so often. Then you all, of course, remember about the sheep and the goats; how at the second coming He is going to divide the sheep from the goats, and He is going to say to the goats: &quot;Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire.&quot; He continues: &quot;And these shall go away into everlasting fire.&quot; Then He says again, &quot;If thy hand offend thee, cut it off; it is better for thee to enter into life maimed, than having two hands to go into Hell, into the fire that never shall be quenched, where the worm dieth not and the fire is not quenched.&quot; He repeats that again and again also. '''I must say that I think all this doctrine, that Hell-fire is a punishment for sin, is a doctrine of cruelty.''' It is a doctrine that put cruelty into the world, and gave the world generations of cruel torture; and the Christ of the Gospels, if you could take Him as his chroniclers represent Him, would certainly have to be considered partly responsible for that.
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''Why I am not a Christian'' (1927), &quot;The Moral Problem&quot;

* There is the instance of the Gadarene swine, where it certainly was not very kind to the pigs to put the devils into them and make them rush down the hill into the sea. You must remember that He was omnipotent, and He could have made the devils simply go away; but He chose to send them into the pigs. Then there is the curious story of the fig-tree, which always rather puzzled me. You remember what happened about the fig-tree. &quot;He was hungry; and seeing a fig-tree afar off having leaves, He came if haply He might find anything thereon; and when he came to it He found nothing but leaves, for the time of figs was not yet. And Jesus answered and said unto it: 'No man eat fruit of thee hereafter for ever'.... and Peter.... saith unto Him: 'Master, behold the fig-tree which thou cursedst is withered away.'&quot; This is a very curious story, because it was not the right time of year for figs, and you really could not blame the tree. '''I cannot myself feel that either in the matter of wisdom or in the matter of virtue Christ stands quite as high as some other people known to History. I think I should put [[Gautama Buddha|Buddha]] and [[Socrates]] above Him in those respects.'''
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''Why I am not a Christian'' (1927), &quot;The Moral Problem&quot;

* Christ said &quot;Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself&quot; and when asked &quot;who is thy neighbour? went on to the parable of the [[w:Good Samaritan|Good Samaritan]]. If you wish to understand this parable as it was understood by his hearers, you should substitute &quot;Germans and Japanese&quot; for Samaritan. '''I fear my modern day Christians would resent such a substitution, because it would compel them to realize how far they have departed from the teachings of the founder of their religion.'''
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''[[Unpopular Essays]]'' (1950), Ch. 9: Ideas That Have Helped Mankind

* There was no point of controversy between Jesus and the Jews; Jesus brought no new doctrine unto them. Jesus said, What the masters in Israel teach, what the Pharisees and the Scribes teach, is perfectly correct. There was no dogma which was the cause of controversy between Jesus and the nation; there was no new custom that Jesus introduced: He went into the Temple every day. He observed the ordinances and festivals of Israel. What was the subject of dispute and controversy between Jesus and the Jews? It was no doctrine, it was no innovation, it was Jesus Himself whom they rejected. There was an antipathy in them to the person of Jesus: it was the Lord Himself whom they hated, because they hated the Father. . . . But Jesus knew . . . that it was because He was one with the Father, because He was the express image of His being, because He was the perfect manifestation of the character of God, that they hated Him; and therefore Jesus was pained, not because they hated Him, but because they hated in Him the Father.
** Adolph Saphir{{source}}

* Jesus then realized he had been brought here under false pretences, as the lamb is led to sacrifice and that his life had been planned for death since the very beginning. Remembering the river of blood and suffering that would flow from his side and flood the entire earth, he called out to the open sky where God could be seen smiling, '''Men, forgive Him, for He knows not what He has done.'''
** [[José Saramago]], ''[[w:The Gospel According to Jesus Christ|O Evangelho Segundo Jesus Cristo]]'' (1991); ''The Gospel According to Jesus Christ'', trans. [[w:Giovanni Pontiero|Giovanni Pontiero]] (1993), p. 341

* No sooner had Jesus knocked over the dragon of superstition than [[Paul of Tarsus|Paul]] boldly set it on its legs again in the name of Jesus.
** [[George Bernard Shaw]], ''Androcles and the Lion'' (1913)

* '''In the most deeply significant of the legends concerning Jesus, we are told how the [[devil]] took him up into a high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the [[world]] in a moment of [[time]]'''; and the devil said unto him: &quot;All this [[power]] will I give unto thee, and the [[glory]] of them, for that is delivered unto me, and to whomsoever I will, I give it. If thou, therefore, wilt worship me, all shall be thine.&quot; '''Jesus, as we know, answered and said &quot;Get thee behind me, [[Satan]]!&quot; And he really meant it; he would have nothing to do with worldly glory, with &quot;temporal power;&quot; he chose the career of a revolutionary agitator, and died the [[death]] of a disturber of the [[peace]].''' And for two or three centuries his church followed in his footsteps, cherishing his proletarian gospel. The early Christians had &quot;all things in common, except women;&quot; they lived as social outcasts, hiding in deserted catacombs, and being thrown to lions and boiled in oil. &lt;br /&gt; But the devil is a subtle worm; he does not give up at one defeat, for he knows human nature, and the strength of the forces which battle for him. '''He failed to get Jesus, but he came again, to get Jesus' church.''' He came when, through the power of the new revolutionary idea, the Church had won a position of tremendous power in the decaying Roman Empire; and the subtle worm assumed the guise of no less a person than [[Constantine the Great|the Emperor himself]], suggesting that he should become a convert to the new faith, so that the Church and he might work together for the greater glory of God. '''The bishops and fathers of the Church, ambitious for their organization, fell for this scheme, and Satan went off laughing to himself. He had got everything he had asked from Jesus three hundred years before; he had got the world's greatest religion.'''
** [[Upton Sinclair]], in ''The Profits of Religion : An Essay in Economic Interpretation'' (1918), Book Seven : The Church of the Social Revolution, &quot;Christ and Caesar&quot;

* At its beginnings there was very powerful meditation on the presence of Christ in the oppressed [[w:Indigenous peoples of the Americas|Indians]], which objectively pointed toward a [[w:Christology|christology]] of the &quot;[[w:body of Christ|body of Christ]].&quot; [[w:Felipe Guaman Poma de Ayala|Guamán Poma]], for example, said, &quot;By faith we know clearly that where there is a poor person there is Jesus Christ himself,&quot; and [[Bartolomé de las Casas]] declared, &quot;In the Indies I leave Jesus Christ, our God, being whipped and afflicted, and buffeted and crucified, not once but thousands of times, as often as the Spaniards assault and destroy those people.&quot; But this original [[w:Christology|christological]] insight did not thrive, and what became the tradition was a christology based on the dogmatic formulas, in which&amp;mdash;however well they were known and understood&amp;mdash;what was stressed was the [[w:Hypostatic union|divinity of Christ]] rather than his real and lived humanity.
** [[Jon Sobrino]], ''Jesus the Liberator'' (1991), p. 11

* The sublime title &quot;[[wikt:Χριστός|Christ]]&quot; is an adjective which only receives its specific value from the specificity of the noun, [[w:Jesus of Nazareth|Jesus of Nazareth]]. If Jesus is forgotten, then it becomes possible to fill the adjective with whatever suits at the time, without checking whether Jesus was like that or not, or whether this means leaving the world sunk in its wretchedness or not; or worse still, without asking if this image legitimates the tragedy of the world or brings liberation from it.
** [[Jon Sobrino]], ''Jesus the Liberator'' (1991), p. 15

* '''Christ did not ask or want to be what he was not.'''
** [[Dejan Stojanovic]], in ''The Sun Watches the Sun'' (1999) “Christ” (Sequence: “Is It Possible to Write a Poem”)

* Burning the witch [[Giordano Bruno]] is one more wound inflicted on [[w:Christ|Christ]]’s body.
** [[Dejan Stojanovic]], in ''The Sun Watches the Sun'' (1999) “Christ” (Sequence: “Is It Possible to Write a Poem”)

* The two main Pillars of our Civilization,&lt;br /&gt;Jesus and [[Shakespeare]] said:&lt;br /&gt;&quot;Nothing shall be impossible to Humans&quot; (Jesus)&lt;br /&gt;&quot;Impossibility is only seemingly impossible&quot; (Shak.)
** B. B. Stoller, ''[[Biologizing the Universe]]'' (1983)

* Few subsequent gurus seem to have matched the simplicity and directness of Jesus′s message; but it must be remembered that we have very little information. If the world had possessed a detailed biographical account of Jesus, an authentic picture of what he was like as a man, it is quite possible that Christianity would not have been estabished as a world religion.
** [[Anthony Storr]], ''Feet of Clay; Saints, Sinners, and Madmen: A Study of Gurus'' (New York: Free Press Paperbacks, 1997), p. 147

* Where is my faith? Even deep down … there is nothing but emptiness and darkness … If there be God—please forgive me. When I try to raise my thoughts to Heaven, there is such convicting emptiness that those very thoughts return like sharp knives and hurt my very soul … How painful is this unknown pain—I have no Faith. Repulsed, empty, no faith, no love, no zeal, … What do I labor for? If there be no God, there can be no soul. If there be no soul then, Jesus, You also are not true.
** [[Mother Teresa]], ''Letters''. {{cite book | title = Mother Teresa: Come Be My Light | last = Teresa | first = Mother | last2 = Kolodiejchuk | first2 = Brian | year = 2007 | publisher = Doubleday | location = New York | isbn = 0385520379 | url = http://books.google.com/books?id=EVaPAgAACAAJ&amp;dq=Mother+Teresa:+Come+Be+My+Light }}

* '''This doctrine of the [[w:Kingdom of Heaven|Kingdom of Heaven]], which was the main teaching of [[Jesus]], and which plays so small a part in the [[Christian]] creeds, is certainly one of the most revolutionary doctrines that ever stirred and changed [[human]] [[thought]].''' It is small [[wonder]] if, the [[world]] of that time failed to grasp its full significance, and recoiled in dismay from even a half apprehension of its tremendous [[challenges]] to the established [[habits]] and institutions of [[mankind]]. It is small wonder if the hesitating convert and disciple presently went back to the old familiar ideas of temple and altar, of fierce deity and propitiatory observance, of consecrated priest and magic blessing, and these things being attended to reverted then to the dear old habitual life of hates and profits and competition and pride. '''For the doctrine of the Kingdom of Heaven, as Jesus seems to have preached it, was no less than a bold and uncompromising demand for a complete change and cleansing of the life of our struggling race, an utter cleansing, without and within.'''
** [[H. G. Wells]], in ''[[w:The Outline of History|The Outline of History : Being a Plain History of Life and Mankind]]'' (1920), &quot;The Teachings of Jesus of Nazareth&quot;

* You cannot claim to worship Jesus in the tabernacle if you do not pity Jesus in the slum.
** [[Frank Weston]], Address to the Second Anglo-Catholic Congress (1923), in ''Radical Christian Writings: A Reader'' (2002), p. 200

* A dichotomy between the religious and the social must be imported into the &amp;#91;[[New Testament]]&amp;#93;; it cannot be found there. The &quot;cross&quot; of Jesus was a political punishment; and when Christians are made to suffer by government it is usually because because of the practical import of their faith, and the doubt they cast upon the rulers' claim to be &quot;Benefactor.&quot;
** [[John Howard Yoder]], ''The Politics of Jesus'' (1972), p. 125

* Reward for information leading to the apprehension of — &lt;br /&gt; '''Jesus [[Christ|Christ]] &lt;br /&gt; Wanted — For Sedition, [[w:Christian anarchism|Criminal Anarchy]] — Vagrancy, and Conspiring to Overthrow the Established Government.''' &lt;br /&gt; Dresses poorly, said to be a carpenter by trade, ill-nourished, has visionary ideas, associates with common working people, the unemployed and bums. Alien — believed to be a Jew. Alias: &quot;Prince of Peace. Son of Man.&quot; &quot;Light of the world&quot; &amp;c. &amp;c. Professional Agitator, Red beard, marks on hands and feet the result of injuries inflicted by an angry mob led by respectable citizens and legal authorities.
** [[w:Art Young|Art Young]], Jesus Christ &quot;wanted-poster&quot; political cartoon in ''[[w:The Masses|The Masses]]'' (1 November 1917)

* The world of Jesus is the world of sunlight by comparison with that of all the sages and philosophers and the schoolmen of any country. Like the Jungfrau which stands above the glaciers in the world of snow and seems to touch heaven itself, Jesus' teachings have that immediacy and clarity and simplicity which puts to shame all other efforts of men's minds to know God or to inquire after God.
** [[Lin Yutang]], ''From Pagan to Christian'' (1959), p. 223

* At the time of the Crucifixion the dogwood had been the size of the oak and other forest trees. So firm and strong was the tree that it was chosen as the timber for the cross. To be used thus for such a cruel purpose greatly distressed the tree, and Jesus, nailed upon it, sensed this, and, in His gentle pity for all sorrow and suffering, said to it: &quot;Because of your regret and pity for My suffering, never again shall the dogwood tree grow large enough to be used as a cross. &lt;br /&gt; &quot;Henceforth it shall be slender and bent and twisted and its blossoms shall be in the form of a cross—two long and two short petals. And in the center of each petal there will be nail prints, brown with rust and stained with red, and in the center of the flower will be a crown of thorns, and all who see it will remember&quot;.
** Author unknown, &quot;Legend of the Dogwood&quot;; reported in Maxwell Droke, ''The Speaker's Special Occasion Book'' (1954), p. 159–60

====''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations''====
:&lt;small&gt;Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 114–115.&lt;/small&gt;

* There is a green hill far away, &lt;br /&gt; Without a city wall, &lt;br /&gt; Where the dear Lord was crucified &lt;br /&gt; Who died to save us all.
** [[Cecil Frances Alexander]], ''There is a Green Hill''

*Fundamentally, our Lord's message was Himself. He did not come merely to preach a Gospel; He himself is that Gospel. He did not come merely to give bread; He said, &quot;I am the bread&quot;. He did not come merely to shed light; He said, &quot;I am the light&quot;. He did not come merely to show the door; He said, &quot;I am the door&quot;. He did not come merely to name a shepherd; He said, &quot;I am the shepherd&quot;. He did not come merely to point the way; He said, &quot;I am the way, the truth, and the life&quot;.
** [[J. Sidlow Baxter]], ''Baxter's Explore the Book'' (1987) p. 308.

* Hail, O bleeding Head and wounded, &lt;br /&gt; With a crown of thorns surrounded, &lt;br /&gt; Buffeted, and bruised and battered, &lt;br /&gt; Smote with reed by striking shattered, &lt;br /&gt; Face with spittle vilely smeared! &lt;br /&gt; Hail, whose visage sweet and comely, &lt;br /&gt; Marred by fouling stains and homely, &lt;br /&gt; Changed as to its blooming color, &lt;br /&gt; All now turned to deathly pallor, &lt;br /&gt; Making heavenly hosts affeared!
** [[St. Bernard of Clairvaux]], ''Passion Hymn'', 'Braham Coles' translation

* In every pang that rends the heart &lt;br /&gt; The Man of Sorrows had a part.
** [[Michael Bruce]], ''Gospel Sonnets'', ''Christ Ascended''. Attributed to John Logan, who issued the poems with emendations of his own. &quot;Every pang that rends the heart.&quot; See also [[Oliver Goldsmith]], ''The Captivity''

* Lovely was the death &lt;br /&gt; Of Him whose life was Love! Holy with power, &lt;br /&gt; He on the thought-benighted Skeptic beamed &lt;br /&gt; Manifest Godhead.
** [[Samuel Taylor Coleridge]], ''Religious Musings'', line 29

* A pagan heart, a Christian soul had he. &lt;br /&gt; He followed Christ, yet for dead Pan he sighed, &lt;br /&gt; As if Theocritus in Sicily &lt;br /&gt; Had come upon the Figure crucified, &lt;br /&gt; And lost his gods in deep, Christ-given rest.
** [[Maurice Francis Egan]], ''Maurice de Gurin''

* Fra Lippo, we have learned from thee &lt;br /&gt; A lesson of humanity: &lt;br /&gt; To every mother's heart forlorn, &lt;br /&gt; In every house the Christ is born.
** [[R. W. Gilder]], ''A Madonna of Fra Lippo Lippi''

* In darkness there is no choice. It is light that enables us to see the differences between things; and it is Christ that gives us light.
** J. C. and A. W. Hare, ''Guesses at Truth''

* Who did leave His Father's throne, &lt;br /&gt; To assume thy flesh and bone? &lt;br /&gt; Had He life, or had He none? &lt;br /&gt; If he had not liv'd for thee, &lt;br /&gt; Thou hadst died most wretchedly &lt;br /&gt; And two deaths had been thy fee.
** [[George Herbert]], ''The Church'', ''Business''

* ''Vicisti, Galliloæ.''
** Thou hast conquered, O Galilæan.
** Attributed to [[Julian the Apostate]]. [[Montaigne]], ''Essays'', Book II, Chapter XIX. Claim dismissed by German and French scholars. Emperor Justinian at the dedication of the Cathedral of St. Sophia, built on the plan of the Temple of Jerusalem, said: &quot;I have vanquished thee, O Solomon&quot;

* All His glory and beauty come from within, and there He delights to dwell, His visits there are frequent, His conversation sweet, His comforts refreshing; and His peace passing all understanding.
** [[Thomas à Kempis]], ''Imitation of Christ'', Book II, Chapter I. Dibdin's translation

* Into the woods, my Master went, &lt;br /&gt; Clean forspent, forspent. &lt;br /&gt; Into the woods my Master came, &lt;br /&gt; Forspent with love and shame. &lt;br /&gt; But the olives they were not blind to Him, &lt;br /&gt; The little gray leaves were kind to Him: &lt;br /&gt; The thorn-tree had a mind to Him, &lt;br /&gt; When into the woods He came.
** [[Sidney Lanier]], ''A Ballad of Trees and the Master''

* God never gave man a thing to do concerning which it were irreverent to ponder how the Son of God would have done it.
** [[George MacDonald]], ''The Marquis of Lossie'', Volume II, Chapter XVII

* The foxes have holes, and the birds of the air have nests; but the Son of Man hath not where to lay his head.
** Matthew, VIII. 20

* For man he seems &lt;br /&gt; In all his lineaments, though in his face &lt;br /&gt; The glimpses of his Fathers glory shine.
** [[John Milton]], ''Paradise Regain'd'' (originally published in 1671), lines 91–93; in ''The Works of John Milton'' (1931), vol. 2, part 2, p. 408. Satan is speaking of Christ.

* The Pilot of the Galilean Lake.
** [[John Milton]], ''Lycidas'', line 109

* Near, so very near to God, &lt;br /&gt; Nearer I cannot be; &lt;br /&gt; For in the person of his Son &lt;br /&gt; I am as near as he.
** [[Catesby Paget]], ''Hymn''

* But chiefly Thou, &lt;br /&gt; Whom soft-eyed Pity once led down from Heaven &lt;br /&gt; To bleed for man, to teach him how to live, &lt;br /&gt; And, oh! still harder lesson! how to die.
** [[Beilby Porteus]], ''Death'', line 316

* The sublime title &quot;[[wikt:Χριστός|Christ]]&quot; is an adjective which only receives its specific value from the specificity of the noun, [[w:Jesus of Nazareth|Jesus of Nazareth]]. If Jesus is forgotten, then it becomes possible to fill the adjective with whatever suits at the time, without checking whether Jesus was like that or not, or whether this means leaving the world sunk in its wretchedness or not; or worse still, without asking if this image legitimates the tragedy of the world or brings liberation from it.
** [[Jon Sobrino]], ''Jesus the Liberator'' (1991), p. 15

* Thou hast conquered, O pale Galilean; &lt;br /&gt; The world has grown gray from thy breath; &lt;br /&gt; We have drunken from things Lethean, &lt;br /&gt; And fed on the fullness of death.
** [[Algernon Charles Swinburne]], ''Hymn to Proserpine''

* And so the Word had breath, and wrought &lt;br /&gt; With human hands the creed of creeds &lt;br /&gt; In loveliness of perfect deeds, &lt;br /&gt; More strong than all poetic thoughts; &lt;br /&gt; Which he may read that binds the sheaf, &lt;br /&gt; Or builds the house, or digs the grave, &lt;br /&gt; And those wild eyes that watch the waves &lt;br /&gt; In roarings round the coral reef.
** [[Alfred Tennyson]], ''[[In Memoriam A.H.H.]]'' (1849), XXXVI

* His love at once and dread instruct our thought; &lt;br /&gt; As man He suffer'd and as God He taught.
** [[Edmund Waller]], ''Of Divine Love'', Canto III, line 41

* Even to atheists he is the supremely good man, the exemplar and moral authority with whom no one may disagree.
** [[Alan Watts]], ''Beyond Theology: The Art of Godmanship'' (1964)

* Whosoever on the night of the nativity of the young Lord Jesus, in the great snows, shall fare forth bearing a succulent bone for the lost and lamenting hounds, a wisp of hay for the shivering horse, a cloak of warm raiment for the stranded wayfarer, a bundle of fagots for the twittering crone, a flagon of red wine for him whose marrow withers, a garland of bright red berries for one who has worn chains, a dish of crumbs with a song of love for all huddled birds who thought that song was dead, and divers lush sweetmeats for such babes' faces as peer from lonely windows, to him shall be proffered and returned gifts of such an astonishment as will rival the hues of the peacock and the harmonies of heaven, so that though he live to the great age when man goes stooping and querulous because of the nothing that is left of him, yet shall he walk upright and remembering, as one whose heart shines like a great star in his breast.
** Author unknown; reported in ''Respectfully Quoted: A Dictionary of Quotations'' (1989)

===The Twenty-First Century===
[[File:Caravaggio 001.jpg|thumb|God in Christ is a different kind of lord who is not in solidarity with the powerful but in solidarity with the lowly. ~ [[Joerg Rieger]]]]
[[File:ChristandThorns.jpg|thumb|Jesus...is the final priest who makes all priesthood obsolete&amp;mdash;not merely the performance of ritual sacrifice, but the office, pomp and circumstance of priestly authority and hierarchy itself. ~ Ronald E. Osborn]]

* Jesus is a remarkable person... He was on his way to becoming [[w:Christ|Christ]], and he made it.
** [[Ray Bradbury]], as quoted in [http://articles.cnn.com/2010-08-02/living/Bradbury_1_ray-bradbury-dandelion-wine-sam-weller?_s=PM:LIVING Sci-fi legend &quot;Ray Bradbury on God, 'monsters and angels'&quot; by John Blake, ''CNN : Living'' (2 August 2010)]

* [[Arius]] began to say things like this in his sermons and writings: &quot;If God and Christ were equal then Christ should be called God’s brother, not God’s Son.&quot; People puzzled about that. They were hearing now something different from this presbyter than they were hearing from the bishop. And Arius also created the very famous saying, &quot;There was a time when He was not.&quot; &quot;There was a time when the Son did not exist.&quot; So in his view, Christ became what we could call a third thing. He is neither God nor is He man, but something in between. There is God and there is the Son and there is the rest of creation. So rather than having two things you have a ''tertium quid'', a third thing — neither god nor man.
** David Calhoun, in ''Ancient &amp; Medieval Church History'' (2006), Lesson 12 &lt;!-- Dead link: http://worldwidefreeresources.com/upload/CH310_T_12.pdf --&gt;

* It's often said of Jesus that he could have saved himself, but he chose not to. And if you read the Gospels it's clear that he could have talked himself out of that crucifixion quite easily, but he was just too stubborn. The Romans didn't really want to kill him at all, but in the end they went along with it because he was being such a prick about it. The truth is he couldn't wait to get up on that cross. In fact, I think Christianity only exists because Jesus Christ just happened to be a masochist. I think he took one look at the hammer and nails and he couldn't believe his luck. He thought, &quot;Well, in three days I'll be in Heaven, but until then I'm going to enjoy myself.&quot;
** [[Pat Condell]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RCPwdfQyxe4 ''Happy Easter''] ([[April 5]], 2007; from [[w:YouTube|YouTube]])

* I've heard it suggested from some people that Christians are so irrationally obsessed with [homosexuality] because deep down they're terrified that Jesus himself might have been gay. There's no real evidence for it, but then there's no real evidence for anything to do with religion. So yeah, I'll buy it. Well, keep an open mind, that's what I always say. … If we take the actual Gospels as gospel then what we've got is a man in his thirties, unmarried in a culture where it's almost unheard of for a man of thirty to be unmarried. Plus, come on, you can't ignore the twelve boyfriends, especially when there's a missing passage from the Gospel of Mark that actually describes Jesus spending a night with a naked youth. We're told that the youth came to Jesus wearing a linen cloth over his naked body, and stayed with him that night, 'for Jesus taught him the mystery of the kingdom of God.' I bet he did. Along with one or two other little mysteries while he was at it. Well, why not? He was only human. The apostle John repeatedly refers to himself as the one who Jesus specially loved. I don't know whether he meant it &quot;in the Greek manner&quot;, so to speak, but what would it matter if he did? This is the point. If Jesus was gay, would it negate the teachings and the parables? Would the Sermon on the Mount lose its authority if preached by the queen of queens rather than the king of kings? And if somebody could prove historically, beyond all doubt, that Jesus was in fact homosexual, would Christians then reject Jesus, or would they reject the evidence as usual? Your guess is as good as mine. From what I've read in the Gospels, I think Jesus was a pretty common sense sort of person, and I don't think he would have had a problem with anybody being who they are. I do think, though, that he had a problem with people who pretend to be one thing while being another.
** [[Pat Condell]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ReYfDlIa-Z8 ''Was Jesus gay?''] ([[November 2]], 2007; from [[w:YouTube|YouTube]])

*Jesus of Nazareth (4.0) 6 1 1 2 1 (His point in evolution &amp; rays)  
**[[Benjamin Creme]] in The List of [[Initiation (theosophy)|Initiates]], Their rays and stage of evolution, as published in ''Maitreya’s Mission Volumes One, Two and Three'', as well as those published in ''Share International'' between April 1997 and August 2014.

* Of course Jesus was a theist, but that is the least interesting thing about him. He was a theist because, in his time, everybody was. Atheism was not an option, even for so radical a thinker as Jesus. What was interesting and remarkable about Jesus was not the obvious fact that he believed in the God of his Jewish religion, but that he rebelled against many aspects of Yahweh's vengeful nastiness. At least in the teachings that are attributed to him, he publicly advocated niceness and was one of the first to do so. To those steeped in the Sharia-like cruelties of Leviticus and Deuteronomy; to those brought up to fear the vindictive, Ayatollah-like God of Abraham and Isaac, a charismatic young preacher who advocated generous forgiveness must have seemed radical to the point of subversion. No wonder they nailed him.
** [[Richard Dawkins]], essay ''[http://old.richarddawkins.net/articles/20-atheists-for-jesus Atheists for Jesus]'' (April 2006)

[[File:Juan de Juanes 002.jpg|thumb|Jesus Christ—who, as it turns out, was born of a virgin, cheated death, and rose bodily into the heavens—can now be eaten in the form of a cracker.~ [[Sam Harris]]]]

* “Gentle Jesus, meek and mild.
** [[Richard Dawkins]] as quoted by [[w:Alister McGrath|Alister McGrath]], &quot;''The Dawkins Delusion: Atheist Fundamentalism and the Denial of the Divine''&quot; (2011)

* In 1939, in a stadium much like this, in Munich Germany, they packed it out with young men and women in brown shirts, for a fanatical man standing behind a podium named Adolf Hitler, the personification of evil. And in that stadium, those in brown shirts formed with their bodies a sign that said, in the whole stadium, &quot;Hitler, we are yours.&quot; And they nearly took the world. Lenin once said, &quot;give me 100 committed, totally committed men and I'll change the world.&quot; And, he nearly did. A few years ago, they took the sayings of Chairman Mao, in China, put them in a little red book, and a group of young people committed them to memory and put it in their minds and they took that nation, the largest nation in the world by storm because they committed to memory the sayings of the Chairman Mao. When I hear those kinds of stories, I think 'what would happen if American Christians, if world Christians, if just the Christians in this stadium, followers of Christ, would say 'Jesus, we are yours'? What kind of spiritual awakening would we have?
** Pastor [[Rick Warren]] (17 April [[2005]]) speech at the Anaheim Angels sports stadium, [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bruce-wilson/follow-jesus-like-nazis-f_b_158295.html transcript and video]

* Jesus Christ—who, as it turns out, was born of a virgin, cheated death, and rose bodily into the heavens—can now be eaten in the form of a cracker.
** [[Sam Harris]], ''The End of Faith'' (2004), p. 73

* If you wake up tomorrow morning thinking that saying a few Latin words over your pancakes is going to turn them into the body of [[Elvis Presley]], you have lost your mind. But if you think more or less the same thing about a cracker and the body of Jesus, you're just a Catholic.
** [[Sam Harris]], [[w:Notre Dame University|Notre Dame]] [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ljXCHgPaZO4 debate] with William Lane Craig, 7&amp;nbsp;April 2011

* The god of Moses would call for other tribes, including his favorite one, to suffer massacre and plague and even extirpation, but when the grave closed over his victims he was essentially finished with them unless he remembered to curse their succeeding progeny. Not until the advent of the Prince of Peace do we hear of the ghastly idea of further punishing and torturing the dead.
** [[w:Christopher Hitchens|Christopher Hitchens]], ''[[God is Not Great|God is not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything]]'', pp.&amp;nbsp;175–176 (2007)}

* [Christ of Revelation] comes forth as one who no longer seeks either friendship or love … His garments are dipped in blood, the blood of others. He descends that he may shed the blood of men.
** Isaac Haldemann, quoted by [[w:Karen Armstrong|Karen Armstrong]] (2007) in ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=abDXgrePDLUC&amp;pg=PA209&amp;dq=isaac+haldemann&amp;sig=-BYPkXqdcqeeRhAMQx3PhTQw4Nc The Bible: A Biography]'', p. 209

* [[Jesus]] is great — is there a better role model? No. It's religion, it's the people who get in between — the bureaucracy, you know. … It's the way people abuse Jesus. Was there ever a greater victim of name dropping?
** [[Bill Maher]], ''Be More Cynical'' (2000) - [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h4WMBzived0 YouTube clip &quot;Bill Maher on Jesus&quot;]
** Variants: '''I love Jesus. I just don’t like the Christians who don’t believe in what he says.'''
*** [http://www.billmaher.com/?page_id=145 ''Realtime'' (7 October 2005)]
**''' Jesus, as a philosopher is wonderful. There's no greater role model, in my view, than Jesus Christ.''' It's just a shame that most of the people who follow him and call themselves Christians act nothing like him.
*** Interviewed on ''The O'Reilly Factor'' (26 September 2006) - [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2555oNAMcfA YouTube clip &quot;Fox's O'Reilly: Bill Maher Looks Bigoted Not John Rocker?&quot;]

* '''Jesus ... is the final priest who makes all priesthood obsolete — not merely the performance of ritual sacrifice, but the office, pomp and circumstance of priestly authority and hierarchy itself.''' Instead of deferring to any caste of religious hierarchs, followers of the Way are thus now summoned to collectively ''be'' a &quot;royal priesthood,&quot; a &quot;chosen race&quot; or &quot;holy nation&quot; built not upon offices of any kind but upon transferred allegiance to God's in-breaking &quot;kingdom.&quot;
** Ronald E. Osborn, ''Anarchy and Apocalypse : Essays on Faith, Violence, and Theodicy'' (2010), pp.35–36

* Although Christ commits many acts that might be considered revolutionary […] He is nonetheless explicitly portrayed in the Gospels as the master of [[tradition]].
** [[Jordan Peterson]], ''[[Beyond Order]]'' (2021), p. 197

* God in Christ is a different kind of lord who is not in solidarity with the powerful but in solidarity with the lowly. ... This position&amp;mdash;at the heart of the new world proclaimed by [[Paul of Tarsus|Paul]]&amp;mdash;directly contradicts the logic of the Roman Empire.
** [[Joerg Rieger]], ''Christ and Empire'' (2007), p. 52

* I wear this Saint Christopher medal sometimes because — I'm Jewish — but my boyfriend is Catholic. It was cute, the way he gave it to me. He said if it doesn't burn through my skin, it will protect me. Who cares? Different religions. &lt;br /&gt; The only time it's an issue, I suppose, would be like if you're having a baby and you've got to figure out how you want to raise it. Which still wouldn't be an issue for us, because we'd be … honest, and just say, you know, like, &quot;Mommy is one of the chosen people … and daddy believes that Jesus is ''[[magic]]''!&quot;
** [[Sarah Silverman]] in ''[[w:Sarah Silverman: Jesus Is Magic|Jesus Is Magic]]'' (2005)

* I don't believe in Jesus or [[God]]. But I do believe that fundamentalists in religion or anything else are bad, and that they have more hate than love. Jesus' words have become so perverted over time — it's been like a [[w:Chinese whispers|game of telephone]]. If he existed, Jesus would fuckin' kill himself.
** [[Sarah Silverman]], in an interview with boyfriend [[Jimmy Kimmel]] for ''Esquire'' magazine (January 2007)

* Jesus is said to have said on the cross, &quot;My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?&quot; Because Jesus was insane and the God he thought would rescue him did not exist. And he died on that cross like a fool. He fancied himself the son of God and he could barely convince twelve men to follow him at a time when the world was full of superstition.
** [[w:Cenk Uygur|Cenk Uygur]], [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/cenk-uygur/if-youre-a-christian-musl_b_9349.html &quot;If You're a Christian, Muslim or Jew - You are Wrong&quot;, ''The Huffington Post'' (25 May 2011)]

* &quot;It {{anchor|WenhamJW2005}}now seems to me that these resurrection stories exhibit in a remarkable way the well-known characteristics of accurate and independent reporting, for superficially they show great disharmony, but on close examination the details gradually fall into place.&quot; (Wenham 2005 p11.)
**&quot;I first became interested in the subject in 1945 when living in Jerusalem....&quot; (Wenham 2005 p10.) [John Wenham also wrote &quot;The Elements of New Testament Greek&quot; (Cambridge: Cambridge University Press, 1965, 1991).]
**&quot;None of them [the gospel writers and Paul] attempts to tell the whole story; all would echo John's closing words: &quot;There are also many other things which Jesus did; were every one of them to be written, I suppose that the world itself could not contain the books that would be written.&quot;&quot; (Wenham 2005 p43.)
**&quot;Bethany was nearly two miles from the city....&quot; (Wenham 2005 p45.)
**&quot;… the Paschal full moon.&quot; (Wenham 2005 p49.)
**&quot;...it could have been undeniably dark on the women's departure and undeniably light on their arrival, particularly if their starting-point were Bethany.... the words &quot;went&quot; in Matthew, Mark and Luke [RSV] translate the same verb as the &quot;came&quot; in John.... If John is thinking of Mary Magdalene setting off from Bethany, the translation &quot;went to the tomb early, while it was still dark&quot; would be precisely accurate.&quot; (Wenham 2005 pp81f re John 20:1.)
**&quot;Mary's words '&lt;i&gt;we&lt;/i&gt; do not know where they have laid him' clearly imply the presence of other women.&quot; (Wenham 2005 p91, emphasis Wenham's, re John 20:2.)
**&quot;… an angel, depicted as all biblical angels are, not as a winged creature, but as a man. The two-winged cherubim and six-winged seraphim are scarcely angels.&quot; (Wenham 2005 p85.)
**&quot;If witnesses, who had been in the tomb at the same time, had been asked independently, &quot;Precisely how many men did you see?&quot; and had given different answers, that would have shown one or other to be unreliable. But these witnesses are not answering the question &quot;How many?&quot;, they are giving (as all descriptions must be) incomplete descriptions of a complex event.&quot; (Wenham 2005 p87.)
**&quot;John.... saw, not disorder left by grave-robbers, but the visible tokens of his master set free from the bonds of death.&quot; (Wenham 2005 p93 re John 20:8 &quot;saw, and believed&quot;.)
**&quot;As the two appearances [of the Saviour] are distinct, that to Mary Magdalene must be put first (as Mark 16:9 says) and the second must be put at a sufficient interval after the women's flight from the tomb to allow for all the comings and goings recorded by John.... this [second] meeting [Matthew 28:9,10 &quot;Jesus met them&quot;] somewhere on the track between Jerusalem and Bethany....&quot; (Wenham 2005 p95f.)
*** [[w:John Wenham|John W Wenham,]] (1984, 1992, 2005), &quot;Easter Enigma – Are the Resurrection Accounts in Conflict?&quot; Milton Keynes, England: Paternoster. Eugene, Oregon: Wipf &amp; Stock. Chapters 7–11

* There's a lot of need for Jesus, so there is a lot of Jesus.
** the Nordic god [[w:Wuotan|Wuotan]] in the speculative fiction television series ''[[American Gods (TV series)|American Gods]]'' (first season, 2017)

==See also==
* [[Ageless Wisdom teachings]]
* [[Bible]]
* [[Christ]]
* [[Christianity]]
* [[Christian anarchism]]
* [[Gospel of John]]
* [[Gospel of Luke]]
* [[Gospel of Mark]]
* [[Gospel of Matthew]]
* [[Gospel of Thomas]]
* [[Masters of Wisdom]]
* [[New Testament]]
* [[Prophecies]]
* [[Race and appearance of Jesus]]
* [[Second Coming]]

==External links==
{{Wikipedia}}{{Wiktionary}}{{commonscat|Jesus Christ}}{{wikisource author|Jesus of Nazareth}}
*{{nndb name|774/000027693}}

A Brief List of further sources of the statements of Jesus, and information on various Christian Scriptures and Doctrines.

'''Canonical Scripture:'''
* [http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/cgi-bin/search/t9.cgi?entry=10a&amp;full=yes&amp;ftpsite= Gutenberg eText of the ''King James Version'' of the ''Holy Bible''] recognized as one of the most beautiful but not necessarily perfect translations by most Protestant denominations; it is the most quoted translation by English-speaking people, Christian and non-Christian.
* [http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/cgi-bin/search/t9.cgi?entry=124&amp;full=yes&amp;ftpsite= Gutenberg eText of &quot;Old Testament&quot; Apocrypha]
* [http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/cgi-bin/search/t9.cgi?entry=1581&amp;full=yes&amp;ftpsite= Gutenberg eText of a &quot;Douay-Rheims&quot; version of the ''Holy Bible''] such as is recommended by Roman Catholic authorities.
* [http://www.usccb.org/nab/bible New American Bible]

'''Gospel of Thomas:'''
* [http://www.gnostic.org/gospel_thomas/compare_gosp_thom7.htm 5 translations of the Coptic text presented in parallel format, + 3 from the Greek]
*[http://www.gospelthomas.com/cgi-bin/grondin?saying=1 SPLIT SCREEN Versions of ''The Gospel of Thomas''] This is one of the most informative presentations available, for those whose browsers will permit its use.
* [http://www.sacred-texts.com/chr/thomas.htm '''Gospel of Thomas'''] as translated by Lambdin from the Coptic texts; and Grenfell, Hunt, and Layton from the Greek fragments
*[http://www.earlychristianwritings.com/thomas/ '''Gospel of Thomas''' + Commentary]
*[http://web.archive.org/web/20081003185050/http://www.geocities.com/Athens/9068/ Coptic-English INTERLINEAL Gospel of Thomas]
* List of ''[http://www.earlychristianwritings.com/thomas.html Gospel of Thomas]'' versions Online

'''Other Christian and Spiritual Writings:'''
* [http://www.sacred-texts.com/chr/index.htm Christian Texts at Sacred-Texts.com]
* [http://www.sacred-texts.com/chr/ecf.htm Early Writings of Christian Leaders]
*[http://www.earlychristianwritings.com/onlinebooks.html Christian Writings]
*[http://www.ccel.org/ Christian Classics Ethereal Library]
*[http://www.sacred-texts.com/index.htm Sacred Texts of the World's Faiths]

[[Category:God]]
[[Category:1st century deaths]]
[[Category:People from Bethlehem]]
[[Category:People from Nazareth]]
[[Category:Islamic mythology]]
[[Category:Prophets]]
[[Category:Philosophers]]
[[Category:Founders of religions]]
[[Category:Self-declared messiahs]]
[[Category:Executed people]]
[[Category:Israeli Jews]]
[[Category:Palestinian Jews]]
[[Category:Mystics]]
[[Category:Occultists]]
[[Category:Spiritual teachers]]</text>
      <sha1>iyn8aa9385n1g13ovnvx5l6k1yt80vs</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153822</id>
      <parentid>3153820</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-12T04:57:03Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Kwamikagami</username>
        <id>41581</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>this saying dates from the 10th century AD</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="433768" xml:space="preserve">[[File:William-Adolphe Bouguereau The Virgin With Angels.jpg|thumb|You shall [[know]] the [[truth]], and the truth shall set you [[free]]. ]]
'''[[w:Jesus|Jesus of Nazareth]]''' (c. 4 BC – AD 30 / 33), also known as '''Jesus [[Christ]]''', '''[[w:Yeshua|Yeshua]]''', '''[[w:Jesus in the Talmud|Yeshu]]''', and '''[[w:Jesus in Islam|Isa]]''', is the central figure of [[Christianity]], a [[Philosophy|philosopher]] and [[w:Rabbi|teacher]]. He is believed to be the [[Messiah]] of ultimate salvation and the [[w:Son of God|Son of God]] by followers of [[Christianity|Christian]] traditions. [[w:Manichaeism|Manichaeans]], [[Gnosticism|Gnostics]], [[Islam|Muslims]], [[Bahá'í Faith|Bahá'ís]], and others have found prominent places for Jesus in their religions.
:''All Biblical quotes in this article should specify the translation or version which is being used''.
[[File:Leonardo da Vinci, Salvator Mundi, c.1500, oil on walnut, 45.4 × 65.6 cm.jpg|thumb|[[Repent]]: for the [[w:Kingdom of Heaven (Gospel of Matthew)|kingdom of heaven]] is at [[hand]].]]
[[File:Christ, by Heinrich Hofmann.jpg|thumb|A new [[command|commandment]] I give unto you, That ye [[love]] one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall [[all]] [[men]] [[know]] that ye are my [[disciples]], if ye have love one to another.]]
[[File:Кошелев Николай Голова Христа.jpg|thumb|Those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who [[humble]] themselves will be exalted.]]
[[File:1135 Mosaikikone mit Christus dem Barmherzigen Bodemuseum anagoria.JPG|thumb|The [[Spirit]] of [[God|the Lord]] is on me, because he has anointed me to proclaim [[good]] [[news]] to the [[poor]]. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the [[prisoners]] and recovery of [[sight]] for the [[blind]], to set the [[oppressed]] free, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor.]]
[[File:Cristo entra a gerusalemme, dall'oratorio di giovanni VII già in san pietro, 705-706.jpg|thumb|&quot;When saw we thee [[sick]], or in [[prison]], and came unto thee?&quot; Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my [[brethren]], ye have done it unto me.]]
[[File:Hoffman-ChristAndTheRichYoungRuler.jpg|thumb| For it is easier for a [[camel]] to go through a needle's [[eye]], than for a [[rich]] man to enter into the [[kingdom of God]].]]
[[File:Himmelfartsbillede i St. Petri Kirke (Hendrik Krock).JPG|thumb|I ascend unto my Father, and your Father; and to my God, and your God.]]
[[File:Die_Predigt_Christi.jpg|thumb|And this is [[eternal]] [[life]], that they might know thee the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom thou hast sent.]]
[[File:Annibale Carracci, Cristo e la Cananea, 1595, Parma.jpg|thumb|What is a man [[profited]], if he shall gain the whole [[world]], and lose his own [[soul]]?]]
[[File:Pencz Christ.jpg|thumb|Enter by the narrow [[gate]]; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to [[destruction]], and there are many who go in by it. Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to [[life]], and there are few who find it.]]
[[File:Brooklyn Museum - The Pharisees Question Jesus (Les pharisiens questionnent Jésus) - James Tissot.jpg|thumb|What is exalted among men is an abomination in the sight of [[God]].]]

== [[New Testament]] ==
{{main|New Testament}}
The sayings of Jesus as recorded in the [[New Testament]] have had a profound effect on human history and culture. The most often quoted English translation is the [[w:Authorized King James Version|Authorized King James Version]] (KJV), first published by the [[w:Church of England|Church of England]] in 1611.
:''Some of the most well-known quotes are in '''bold.'''''

=== [[Gospel of Matthew]] ===
[[File:William-Adolphe Bouguereau (1825-1905) - The Flagellation of Our Lord Jesus Christ (1880).jpg|thumb|I say unto you, [[Love]] your [[enemies]], [[bless]] them that [[curse]] you, do [[good]] to them that [[hate]] you, and [[pray]] for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; That ye may be the [[children]] of your [[Father]] which is in [[heaven]]: for he maketh his [[sun]] to rise on the [[evil]] and on the good, and sendeth [[rain]] on the [[just]] and on the unjust.]]
&lt;!-- include only statements ''by'' Jesus here that are not already included above, otherwise go to Gospel of [[Matthew]] --&gt;
====Chapters 1–4====
* Suffer it to be so now: for thus it becometh us to fulfil all righteousness.
**3:15 (KJV) Said to [[w:John the Baptist|John the Baptist]].

*It is written, '''Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God'''.
** 4:4 (KJV) Said to [[Satan]]. The reference is to Deuteronomy 8:3, &quot;... that he might make thee know that man doth not live by bread only, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of the Lord doth man live.&quot; (KJV)

*It is written again, '''Thou shalt not tempt the Lord thy God.'''
**4:7 (KJV) Said to Satan. The reference is to Deuteronomy 6:16, &quot;Ye shall not tempt the Lord your God, as ye tempted him in Massah.&quot; (KJV)

*'''Get thee hence, Satan''': for it is written, '''Thou shalt worship the Lord thy God, and him only shalt thou serve'''.
**4:10 (KJV) Said to Satan.

*'''Repent: for the [[w:Kingdom of God|kingdom of heaven]] is at hand.'''
**4:17 (KJV)

*'''Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.'''
**4:19 (KJV) Said to Peter and Andrew

====Chapters 5–7, the [[w:Sermon on the Mount|Sermon on the Mount]]====
* '''Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. &lt;br /&gt; Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. &lt;br /&gt; Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. &lt;br /&gt; Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. &lt;br /&gt; Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. &lt;br /&gt; Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. &lt;br /&gt; Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God. &lt;br /&gt; Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the [[w:Kingdom of God|kingdom of heaven]]. &lt;br /&gt; Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. &lt;br /&gt; Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.'''
** 5:1–12 (NIV) Often referred to as &quot;[[The Beatitudes]]&quot; this is the start of &quot;The [[w:Sermon on the Mount|Sermon on the Mount]]&quot;.

* You are the salt of the earth; but if the salt loses its flavor, how shall it be seasoned? It is then good for nothing but to be thrown out and trampled underfoot by men. You are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do they light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. '''Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.'''
**Matthew 5:13–16 (NIV) (See also: Mark 9:50; Luke 14:34, 35)

* But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment: and whosoever shall say to his brother, [[:wikt:raca|Raca]], shall be in danger of the council: but whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire.
** [[w:Matthew 5:22|5:22]], ''[[King James Version]]''.

* You have heard that it was said, &quot;Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.&quot; But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles.
**5:38–41 (NIV)

* You have heard that it was said to those of old, 'You shall not commit adultery.' '''But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.''' If your right eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell.
** Exodus 20:14, Seventh Commandment
**Matthew 5:27–30 (NKJV)

* Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy. But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.
**Matthew 5:43–45 (KJV)
&lt;!--* After this manner therefore pray ye: '''Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen.'''
** Matthew 6:9–13 (KJV) (see below)--&gt;

* '''Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them.'''
** Matthew 6:26 (NKJV)

* '''Keep on, then, seeking first the [[Kingdom of God|Kingdom]] and his [[righteousness]], and all these other things will be added to you.''' So never be anxious about the next day, for the next day will have its own anxieties. Each day has enough of its own troubles.
** ''[http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/matthew/6/ Matthew 6:33-34]'', [[New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures]]

* '''Judge not, that you be not judged.''' For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. '''And why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye?''' Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me remove the speck from your eye'; and look, a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.
**Matthew 7:1–5 (NKJV) (Also Luke 6:37–42)

* '''Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.''' For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.
**Matthew 7:7–8 (NKJV) (Also Luke 11:9–13)

*'''Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it. Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it.'''
**Matthew 7:13–14 (NKJV) (Also Luke 13:24)

* Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.
** Matthew 7:15 (KJV)

* Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them.
** Matthew 7:20 (KJV)

* Not everyone who says to Me, 'Lord, Lord,' shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in heaven. Many will say to Me in that day, 'Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in Your name, cast out demons in Your name, and done many wonders in Your name?' And then I will declare to them, 'I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness!'
**Matthew 7:21–23 (NKJV) (Also Luke 6:24; 13:26, 27)

* Therefore whoever hears these sayings of Mine, and does them, I will liken him to a wise man who built his house on the rock: and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it did not fall, for it was founded on the rock.
* But everyone who hears these sayings of Mine, and does not do them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand: and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it fell. And great was its fall.
**Matthew 7:24–27 (NKJV) (Also Luke 6:47–49)

====Chapters 8–12====
*See thou tell no man; but go thy way, shew thyself to the priest, and offer the gift that Moses commanded, for a testimony unto them.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 8:4] (KJV) Said to a man cured of leprosy.

*I will come and heal him.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 8:7] (KJV) Said to a Roman officer.

*Verily I say unto you, I have not found so great faith, no, not in Israel. And I say unto you, That many shall come from the east and west, and shall sit down with Abraham, and Isaac, and Jacob, in the kingdom of heaven. But the children of the kingdom shall be cast out into outer darkness: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 8:10–12] (KJV) Said about the officer.

*'''Go thy way; and as thou hast believed, so be it done unto thee.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 8:13] (KJV) Said to the officer.

*'''The [[fox]]es have holes, and the birds of the air have nests; but the Son of man hath not where to lay his head'''.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 8:20] (KJV)

*'''Follow me; and let the dead bury their dead.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 8:22] (KJV)

*Why are ye fearful, '''O ye of little faith'''?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 8:26] (KJV)

*Go.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 8:32] (KJV) Said to devils which were possessing a man.

*Son, be of good cheer; thy sins be forgiven thee.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 9:2] (KJV) Said to a man sick of the palsy.

*Wherefore think ye evil in your hearts? For whether is easier, to say, Thy sins be forgiven thee; or to say, Arise, and walk? But that ye may know that the Son of man hath power on earth to forgive sins, (then saith he to the sick of the palsy,) Arise, take up thy bed, and go unto thine house.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 9:4–6] (KJV) Said to some scribes.

*Follow me.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 9:9] (KJV) Said to Matthew.

*'''They that be whole need not a physician, but they that are sick'''. But go ye and learn what that meaneth, I will have mercy, and not sacrifice: for I am not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 9:12–13] (KJV)

*Can the children of the bridechamber mourn, as long as the bridegroom is with them? but the days will come, when the bridegroom shall be taken from them, and then shall they fast. '''No man putteth a piece of new cloth unto an old garment, for that which is put in to fill it up taketh from the garment, and the rent is made worse. Neither do men put new wine into old bottles: else the bottles break, and the wine runneth out, and the bottles perish: but they put new wine into new bottles, and both are preserved'''.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 9:15–17] (KJV)

* Daughter, be of good comfort; thy faith hath made thee whole.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 9:22] (KJV) Said to a woman, diseased with an issue of blood, who touched the hem of his garment.

* Give place: for the maid is not dead, but sleepeth.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 9:24] (KJV) Said about a girl thought to be dead.

* Believe ye that I am able to do this?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 9:28] (KJV) Said to two blind men.

* According to your faith be it unto you.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 9:29] (KJV) Said to the two blind men.

* See that no man know it.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 9:30] (KJV) Said to the two blind men.

* '''The harvest truly is plenteous, but the labourers are few; Pray ye therefore the Lord of the harvest, that he will send forth labourers into his harvest'''.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 9:37–38] (KJV)

*Brother will betray brother to death, and a father his child. Children will even rise up against their parents and have them put to death.
** [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2010:21;&amp;version=77; 10:21] (HCSB) Said to his disciples.

*Go not into the way of the Gentiles, and into any city of the Samaritans enter ye not: But go rather to the lost sheep of the house of Israel. And as ye go, preach, saying, The kingdom of heaven is at hand. Heal the sick, cleanse the lepers, raise the dead, cast out devils: freely ye have received, freely give. Provide neither gold, nor silver, nor brass in your purses, Nor scrip for your journey, neither two coats, neither shoes, nor yet staves: for the workman is worthy of his meat. And into whatsoever city or town ye shall enter, inquire who in it is worthy; and there abide till ye go thence. And when ye come into an house, salute it. And if the house be worthy, let your peace come upon it: but if it be not worthy, let your peace return to you. And whosoever shall not receive you, nor hear your words, when ye depart out of that house or city, shake off the dust of your feet. Verily I say unto you, It shall be more tolerable for the land of Sodom and Gomorrha in the day of judgment, than for that city. Behold, '''I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves'''. But beware of men: for they will deliver you up to the councils, and they will scourge you in their synagogues; And ye shall be brought before governors and kings for my sake, for a testimony against them and the Gentiles. '''But when they deliver you up, take no thought how or what ye shall speak: for it shall be given you in that same hour what ye shall speak. For it is not ye that speak, but the Spirit of your Father which speaketh in you. And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death. And ye shall be hated of all men for my name's sake: but he that endureth to the end shall be saved'''. But when they persecute you in this city, flee ye into another: for verily I say unto you, Ye shall not have gone over the cities of Israel, till the Son of man be come. The disciple is not above his master, nor the servant above his lord. It is enough for the disciple that he be as his master, and the servant as his lord. If they have called the master of the house Beelzebub, how much more shall they call them of his household? Fear them not therefore: for there is nothing covered, that shall not be revealed; and hid, that shall not be known. What I tell you in darkness, that speak ye in light: and what ye hear in the ear, that preach ye upon the housetops. '''And fear not them which kill the body, but are not able to kill the soul: but rather fear him which is able to destroy both soul and body in hell. Are not two sparrows sold for a farthing? and one of them shall not fall on the ground without your Father. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear ye not therefore, ye are of more value than many sparrows. Whosoever therefore shall confess me before men, him will I confess also before my Father which is in heaven. But whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my Father which is in heaven. Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword. For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. And a man's foes shall be they of his own household. He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me. He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it.''' He that receiveth you receiveth me, and he that receiveth me receiveth him that sent me. He that receiveth a prophet in the name of a prophet shall receive a prophet's reward; and he that receiveth a righteous man in the name of a righteous man shall receive a righteous man's reward. And whosoever shall give to drink unto one of these little ones a cup of cold water only in the name of a disciple, verily I say unto you, he shall in no wise lose his reward.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 10:5–42] (KJV) Said to his disciples.

* For I came to cause division, with a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. 36 Indeed, a man’s enemies will be those of his own household.
** [http://wol.jw.org/en/wol/b/r1/lp-e/nwt/E/2013/40/10#h=84:318-84:467 10:35,36], [[New World Translation]]

*Go and shew John again those things which ye do hear and see: The blind receive their sight, and the lame walk, the lepers are cleansed, and the deaf hear, the dead are raised up, and the poor have the gospel preached to them. And blessed is he, whosoever shall not be offended in me.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 11:4–6] (KJV)

*What went ye out into the wilderness to see? A reed shaken with the wind? But what went ye out for to see? A man clothed in soft raiment? behold, they that wear soft clothing are in kings' houses. But what went ye out for to see? A prophet? yea, I say unto you, and more than a prophet. For this is he, of whom it is written, Behold, I send my messenger before thy face, which shall prepare thy way before thee. Verily I say unto you, Among them that are born of women there hath not risen a greater than John the Baptist: notwithstanding he that is least in the kingdom of heaven is greater than he. And from the days of John the Baptist until now the kingdom of heaven suffereth violence, and the violent take it by force. For all the prophets and the law prophesied until John. And if ye will receive it, this is Elias, which was for to come. He that hath ears to hear, let him hear. But whereunto shall I liken this generation? It is like unto children sitting in the markets, and calling unto their fellows, And saying, We have piped unto you, and ye have not danced; we have mourned unto you, and ye have not lamented. For John came neither eating nor drinking, and they say, He hath a devil. The Son of man came eating and drinking, and they say, Behold a man gluttonous, and a winebibber, a friend of publicans and sinners. But wisdom is justified of her children.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 11:7–19] (KJV)

*Woe unto thee, Chorazin! woe unto thee, Bethsaida! for if the mighty works, which were done in you, had been done in Tyre and Sidon, they would have repented long ago in sackcloth and ashes. But I say unto you, It shall be more tolerable for Tyre and Sidon at the day of judgment, than for you. And thou, Capernaum, which art exalted unto heaven, shalt be brought down to hell: for if the mighty works, which have been done in thee, had been done in Sodom, it would have remained until this day. But I say unto you, That it shall be more tolerable for the land of Sodom in the day of judgment, than for thee.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 11:21–24] (KJV)

*I thank thee, O Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because thou hast hid these things from the wise and prudent, and hast revealed them unto babes. Even so, Father: for so it seemed good in thy sight. All things are delivered unto me of my Father: and no man knoweth the Son, but the Father; neither knoweth any man the Father, save the Son, and he to whomsoever the Son will reveal him. '''Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 11:25–30] (KJV)

*Have ye not read what David did, when he was an hungred, and they that were with him; How he entered into the house of God, and did eat the shewbread, which was not lawful for him to eat, neither for them which were with him, but only for the priests? Or have ye not read in the law, how that on the sabbath days the priests in the temple profane the sabbath, and are blameless? But I say unto you, That in this place is one greater than the temple. But if ye had known what this meaneth, I will have mercy, and not sacrifice, ye would not have condemned the guiltless. For the Son of man is Lord even of the sabbath day.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 12:3–8] (KJV) Said to some Pharisees.

*What man shall there be among you, that shall have one sheep, and if it fall into a pit on the sabbath day, will he not lay hold on it, and lift it out? How much then is a man better than a sheep? Wherefore it is lawful to do well on the sabbath days.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 12:11–12] (KJV) Said to the Pharisees.

*Stretch forth thine hand.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 12:13] (KJV) Said to a man with a withered hand.

*'''Every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation; and every city or house divided against itself shall not stand: And if Satan cast out Satan, he is divided against himself; how shall then his kingdom stand?''' And if I by Beelzebub cast out devils, by whom do your children cast them out? therefore they shall be your judges. But if I cast out devils by the Spirit of God, then the kingdom of God is come unto you. Or else how can one enter into a strong man's house, and spoil his goods, except he first bind the strong man? and then he will spoil his house. He that is not with me is against me; and he that gathereth not with me scattereth abroad. Wherefore I say unto you, '''All manner of sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven unto men: but the blasphemy against the Holy Ghost shall not be forgiven unto men. And whosoever speaketh a word against the Son of man, it shall be forgiven him: but whosoever speaketh against the Holy Ghost, it shall not be forgiven him, neither in this world, neither in the world to come'''. Either make the tree good, and his fruit good; or else make the tree corrupt, and his fruit corrupt: for the tree is known by his fruit. O generation of vipers, how can ye, being evil, speak good things? for out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh. A good man out of the good treasure of the heart bringeth forth good things: and an evil man out of the evil treasure bringeth forth evil things. But I say unto you, That every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment. For by thy words thou shalt be justified, and by thy words thou shalt be condemned.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 12:25–37] (KJV)

Variant:

* He that is not on my side is against me, and he that does not gather with me scatters.
** 12:30, [[New World Translation]]

*An evil and adulterous generation seeketh after a sign; and there shall no sign be given to it, but the sign of the prophet Jonas: For as Jonas was three days and three nights in the whale's belly; so shall the Son of man be three days and three nights in the heart of the earth. The men of Nineveh shall rise in judgment with this generation, and shall condemn it: because they repented at the preaching of Jonas; and, behold, a greater than Jonas is here. The queen of the south shall rise up in the judgment with this generation, and shall condemn it: for she came from the uttermost parts of the earth to hear the wisdom of Solomon; and, behold, a greater than Solomon is here. When the unclean spirit is gone out of a man, he walketh through dry places, seeking rest, and findeth none. Then he saith, I will return into my house from whence I came out; and when he is come, he findeth it empty, swept, and garnished. Then goeth he, and taketh with himself seven other spirits more wicked than himself, and they enter in and dwell there: and the last state of that man is worse than the first. Even so shall it be also unto this wicked generation.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 12:39–45] (KJV)

*'''Who is my mother? and who are my brethren? And he stretched forth his hand toward his disciples, and said, Behold my mother and my brethren! For whosoever shall do the will of my Father which is in heaven, the same is my brother, and sister, and mother.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 12:48–50] (KJV)

====Chapters 13–16====
*Behold, a sower went forth to sow; And when he sowed, some seeds fell by the way side, and the fowls came and devoured them up: Some fell upon stony places, where they had not much earth: and forthwith they sprung up, because they had no deepness of earth: And when the sun was up, they were scorched; and because they had no root, they withered away. And some fell among thorns; and the thorns sprung up, and choked them: But other fell into good ground, and brought forth fruit, some an hundredfold, some sixtyfold, some thirtyfold. Who hath ears to hear, let him hear.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 13:3–9] (KJV)

*Because it is given unto you to know the mysteries of the kingdom of heaven, but to them it is not given. For whosoever hath, to him shall be given, and he shall have more abundance: but whosoever hath not, from him shall be taken away even that he hath. Therefore speak I to them in parables: because they seeing see not; and hearing they hear not, neither do they understand. And in them is fulfilled the prophecy of Esaias, which saith, By hearing ye shall hear, and shall not understand; and seeing ye shall see, and shall not perceive: For this people's heart is waxed gross, and their ears are dull of hearing, and their eyes they have closed; lest at any time they should see with their eyes, and hear with their ears, and should understand with their heart, and should be converted, and I should heal them. But blessed are your eyes, for they see: and your ears, for they hear. For verily I say unto you, That many prophets and righteous men have desired to see those things which ye see, and have not seen them; and to hear those things which ye hear, and have not heard them. Hear ye therefore the parable of the sower. When any one heareth the word of the kingdom, and understandeth it not, then cometh the wicked one, and catcheth away that which was sown in his heart. This is he which received seed by the way side. But he that received the seed into stony places, the same is he that heareth the word, and anon with joy receiveth it; Yet hath he not root in himself, but dureth for a while: for when tribulation or persecution ariseth because of the word, by and by he is offended. He also that received seed among the thorns is he that heareth the word; and the care of this world, and the deceitfulness of riches, choke the word, and he becometh unfruitful. But he that received seed into the good ground is he that heareth the word, and understandeth it; which also beareth fruit, and bringeth forth, some an hundredfold, some sixty, some thirty.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 13:11–23] (KJV) Said to his disciples when they asked why he spoke in parables.

*Another parable put he forth unto them, saying, The kingdom of heaven is likened unto a man which sowed good seed in his field: But while men slept, his enemy came and sowed tares among the wheat, and went his way. But when the blade was sprung up, and brought forth fruit, then appeared the tares also. So the servants of the householder came and said unto him, Sir, didst not thou sow good seed in thy field? from whence then hath it tares? He said unto them, An enemy hath done this. The servants said unto him, Wilt thou then that we go and gather them up? But he said, Nay; lest while ye gather up the tares, ye root up also the wheat with them. Let both grow together until the harvest: and in the time of harvest I will say to the reapers, Gather ye together first the tares, and bind them in bundles to burn them: but gather the wheat into my barn.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 13:24–30] (KJV)

*The kingdom of heaven is like to a grain of mustard seed, which a man took, and sowed in his field: Which indeed is the least of all seeds: but when it is grown, it is the greatest among herbs, and becometh a tree, so that the birds of the air come and lodge in the branches thereof.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 13:31–32] (KJV)

*The kingdom of heaven is like unto leaven, which a woman took, and hid in three measures of meal, till the whole was leavened.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 13:33] (KJV)

* He that soweth the good seed is the Son of man; The field is the world; the good seed are the children of the kingdom; but the tares are the children of the wicked one; The enemy that sowed them is the devil; the harvest is the end of the world; and the reapers are the angels. As therefore the tares are gathered and burned in the fire; so shall it be in the end of this world. The Son of man shall send forth his angels, and they shall gather out of his kingdom all things that offend, and them which do iniquity; And shall cast them into a furnace of fire: there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth. Then shall the righteous shine forth as the sun in the kingdom of their Father. '''Who hath ears to hear, let him hear.''' Again, the kingdom of heaven is like unto treasure hid in a field; the which when a man hath found, he hideth, and for joy thereof goeth and selleth all that he hath, and buyeth that field. '''Again, the kingdom of heaven is like unto a merchant man, seeking goodly pearls: Who, when he had found one pearl of great price, went and sold all that he had, and bought it.''' Again, the kingdom of heaven is like unto a net, that was cast into the sea, and gathered of every kind: Which, when it was full, they drew to shore, and sat down, and gathered the good into vessels, but cast the bad away. So shall it be at the end of the world: the angels shall come forth, and sever the wicked from among the just, And shall cast them into the furnace of fire: there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 13:37–50] (KJV)

*Have ye understood all these things?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 13:51] (KJV)

*Therefore every scribe which is instructed unto the kingdom of heaven is like unto a man that is an householder, which bringeth forth out of his treasure things new and old.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 13:52] (KJV)

*'''A prophet is not without honour, save in his own country, and in his own house.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 13:57] (KJV)

*They need not depart; give ye them to eat.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 14:16] (KJV)

*Bring them hither to me.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 14:18] (KJV) Said about the '''loaves and fishes'''.

*Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 14:27] (KJV)

*Come.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 14:29] (KJV) Said to Peter.

*'''O thou of little faith''', wherefore didst thou doubt?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 14:31] (KJV) Said to Peter after Peter failed to '''walk on water.'''

*Why do ye also transgress the commandment of God by your tradition? For God commanded, saying, Honour thy father and mother: and, He that curseth father or mother, let him die the death. But ye say, Whosoever shall say to his father or his mother, It is a gift, by whatsoever thou mightest be profited by me; And honour not his father or his mother, he shall be free. Thus have ye made the commandment of God of none effect by your tradition. Ye hypocrites, well did Esaias prophesy of you, saying, This people draweth nigh unto me with their mouth, and honoureth me with their lips; but their heart is far from me. But in vain they do worship me, teaching for doctrines the commandments of men.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 15:3–9] (KJV)

*Hear, and understand: Not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a man; but that which cometh out of the mouth, this defileth a man.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 15:10–11] (KJV)

*Every plant, which my heavenly Father hath not planted, shall be rooted up. '''Let them alone: they be blind leaders of the blind. And if the blind lead the blind, both shall fall into the ditch'''.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 15:13–14] (KJV)

*Are ye also yet without understanding? Do not ye yet understand, that whatsoever entereth in at the mouth goeth into the belly, and is cast out into the draught? But those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart; and they defile the man. For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies: These are the things which defile a man: but to eat with unwashen hands defileth not a man.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 15:16–20] (KJV)

*I am not sent but unto the lost sheep of the house of Israel.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 15:24] (KJV)

*It is not meet to take the children's bread, and to cast it to dogs.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 15:26] (KJV)

*O woman, great is thy faith: be it unto thee even as thou wilt.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 15:28] (KJV)

*I have compassion on the multitude, because they continue with me now three days, and have nothing to eat: and I will not send them away fasting, lest they faint in the way.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 15:32] (KJV)

*How many loaves have ye?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 15:34] (KJV)

*When it is evening, ye say, It will be fair weather: for the sky is red. And in the morning, It will be foul weather to day: for the sky is red and lowring. '''O ye hypocrites, ye can discern the face of the sky; but can ye not discern the signs of the times? A wicked and adulterous generation seeketh after a sign; and there shall no sign be given unto it, but the sign of the prophet Jonas.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 16:2–4] (KJV)

*Take heed and beware of the leaven of the Pharisees and of the Sadducees.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 16:6] (KJV)

*'''O ye of little faith''', why reason ye among yourselves, because ye have brought no bread? Do ye not yet understand, neither remember the five loaves of the five thousand, and how many baskets ye took up? Neither the seven loaves of the four thousand, and how many baskets ye took up? How is it that ye do not understand that I spake it not to you concerning bread, that ye should beware of the leaven of the Pharisees and of the Sadducees?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 16:8–11] (KJV)

*''' Whom do men say that I the Son of man am?'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 16:13] (KJV)

*'''But whom say ye that I am?'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 16:15] (KJV)

*'''Blessed art thou, Simon Barjona: for flesh and blood hath not revealed it unto thee, but my Father which is in heaven. And I say also unto thee, That thou art Peter, and upon this rock I will build my church; and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it. And I will give unto thee the keys of the kingdom of heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 16:17–19] (KJV)

*'''Get thee behind me, Satan''': thou art an offence unto me: for thou savourest not the things that be of God, but those that be of men.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 16:23] (KJV)

*'''If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it. For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul?''' For the Son of man shall come in the glory of his Father with his angels; and then he shall reward every man according to his works. Verily I say unto you, There be some standing here, which shall not taste of death, till they see the Son of man coming in his kingdom.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 16:24–28] (KJV)

====Chapters 17-19====
*Arise, and be not afraid.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 17:7] (KJV)

*Tell the vision to no man, until the Son of man be risen again from the dead.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 17:9] (KJV)

*[[w:Elijah|Elias]] truly shall first come, and restore all things. But I say unto you, That Elias is come already, and they knew him not, but have done unto him whatsoever they listed. Likewise shall also the Son of man suffer of them.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 17:11–12] (KJV)

* O faithless and perverse generation, how long shall I be with you? how long shall I suffer you? bring him hither to me.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 17:17] (KJV)

*Because of your unbelief: for verily I say unto you, '''If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you.''' Howbeit this kind goeth not out but by prayer and fasting.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 17:20–21] (KJV)

*'''The Son of man shall be betrayed into the hands of men: And they shall kill him, and the third day he shall be raised again.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 17:22–23] (KJV)

*What thinkest thou, Simon? of whom do the kings of the earth take custom or tribute? of their own children, or of strangers?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 17:25] (KJV)

*Then are the children free. Notwithstanding, lest we should offend them, go thou to the sea, and cast an hook, and take up the fish that first cometh up; and when thou hast opened his mouth, thou shalt find a piece of money: that take, and give unto them for me and thee.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 17:26–27] (KJV)

[[File:StJohnsAshfield StainedGlass JesusAndChildren.jpg|thumb|''become as little children'' [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 18:3–20]&lt;br/&gt;''suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me'' [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 19:14] (KJV)]]
*Verily I say unto you, '''Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven. Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoso shall receive one such little child in my name receiveth me. But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.''' Woe unto the world because of offences! for it must needs be that offences come; but woe to that man by whom the offence cometh! '''Wherefore if thy hand or thy foot offend thee, cut them off, and cast them from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life halt or maimed, rather than having two hands or two feet to be cast into everlasting fire. And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life with one eye, rather than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire.''' Take heed that ye despise not one of these little ones; for I say unto you, That in heaven their angels do always behold the face of my Father which is in heaven. '''For the Son of man is come to save that which was lost.''' How think ye? if a man have an hundred sheep, and one of them be gone astray, doth he not leave the ninety and nine, and goeth into the mountains, and seeketh that which is gone astray? And if so be that he find it, verily I say unto you, he rejoiceth more of that sheep, than of the ninety and nine which went not astray. Even so it is not the will of your Father which is in heaven, that one of these little ones should perish. Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican. Verily I say unto you, Whatsoever ye shall bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever ye shall loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven. Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven. '''For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 18:3–20] (KJV)

*[T]he kingdom of heaven can be compared to a king who wanted to settle accounts with his slaves.
**[http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2018:23;&amp;version=77; 18:23]

*I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven. Therefore is the kingdom of heaven likened unto a certain king, which would take account of his servants. And when he had begun to reckon, one was brought unto him, which owed him ten thousand talents. But forasmuch as he had not to pay, his lord commanded him to be sold, and his wife, and children, and all that he had, and payment to be made. The servant therefore fell down, and worshipped him, saying, Lord, have patience with me, and I will pay thee all. Then the lord of that servant was moved with compassion, and loosed him, and forgave him the debt. But the same servant went out, and found one of his fellowservants, which owed him an hundred pence: and he laid hands on him, and took him by the throat, saying, Pay me that thou owest. And his fellowservant fell down at his feet, and besought him, saying, Have patience with me, and I will pay thee all. And he would not: but went and cast him into prison, till he should pay the debt. So when his fellowservants saw what was done, they were very sorry, and came and told unto their lord all that was done. Then his lord, after that he had called him, said unto him, O thou wicked servant, I forgave thee all that debt, because thou desiredst me: Shouldest not thou also have had compassion on thy fellowservant, even as I had pity on thee? And his lord was wroth, and delivered him to the tormentors, till he should pay all that was due unto him. So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 18:22–35] (KJV)

*[H]is master was angry, and delivered him to the torturers until he should pay all that was due to him. &quot;So My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother his trespasses.&quot;
**[http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2018:34-35;&amp;version=50; 18:34–35]

*Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. '''What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 19:4–6] (KJV)

*[[w:Moses|Moses]] because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so. And I say unto you, '''Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery'''.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 19:8–9] (KJV)

*All men cannot receive this saying, save they to whom it is given. For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother's womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 19:11–12] (KJV)

*'''Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 19:14] (KJV)

*Why callest thou me good? there is none good but one, that is, God: but if thou wilt enter into life, keep the commandments.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 19:17] (KJV)

*Thou shalt do no murder, Thou shalt not commit adultery, Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not bear false witness, Honour thy father and thy mother: and, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 19:18–19] (KJV)

*'''If thou wilt be perfect, go and sell that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come and follow me.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 19:21] (KJV)

*Verily I say unto you, '''That a rich man shall hardly enter into the kingdom of heaven.''' And again I say unto you, '''It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 19:23–24] (KJV)

*'''With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 19:26] (KJV)

*Verily I say unto you, That ye which have followed me, in the [[Regeneration (theology)|regeneration]] when the Son of man shall sit in the throne of his glory, ye also shall sit upon twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel. And every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name's sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life. '''But many that are first shall be last; and the last shall be first.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 19:28–30] (KJV)

*[E]veryone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life.
** [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2019:29;&amp;version=31; 19:29]

====Chapters 20–24====
*For the kingdom of heaven is like unto a man that is an householder, which went out early in the morning to hire labourers into his vineyard. And when he had agreed with the labourers for a penny a day, he sent them into his vineyard. And he went out about the third hour, and saw others standing idle in the marketplace, And said unto them; Go ye also into the vineyard, and whatsoever is right I will give you. And they went their way. Again he went out about the sixth and ninth hour, and did likewise. And about the eleventh hour he went out, and found others standing idle, and saith unto them, Why stand ye here all the day idle? They say unto him, Because no man hath hired us. He saith unto them, Go ye also into the vineyard; and whatsoever is right, that shall ye receive. So when even was come, the lord of the vineyard saith unto his steward, Call the labourers, and give them their hire, beginning from the last unto the first. And when they came that were hired about the eleventh hour, they received every man a penny. But when the first came, they supposed that they should have received more; and they likewise received every man a penny. And when they had received it, they murmured against the goodman of the house, Saying, These last have wrought but one hour, and thou hast made them equal unto us, which have borne the burden and heat of the day. But he answered one of them, and said, Friend, I do thee no wrong: didst not thou agree with me for a penny? Take that thine is, and go thy way: I will give unto this last, even as unto thee. Is it not lawful for me to do what I will with mine own? Is thine eye evil, because I am good? '''So the last shall be first, and the first last: for many be called, but few chosen.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 20:1–16] (KJV)

*'''Behold, we go up to Jerusalem; and the Son of man shall be betrayed unto the chief priests and unto the scribes, and they shall condemn him to death, And shall deliver him to the Gentiles to mock, and to scourge, and to crucify him: and the third day he shall rise again.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 20:18–19] (KJV)

*What wilt thou?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 20:21] (KJV) Asked of the mother of the sons of Zebedee, who answered that she wanted one son to sit on Jesus's left hand and one on his right.

*Ye know not what ye ask. Are ye able to drink of the cup that I shall drink of, and to be baptized with the baptism that I am baptized with?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 20:22] (KJV)

* Ye shall drink indeed of my cup, and be baptized with the baptism that I am baptized with: but to sit on my right hand, and on my left, is not mine to give, but it shall be given to them for whom it is prepared of my Father.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 20:23] (KJV)

*Ye know that the princes of the Gentiles exercise dominion over them, and they that are great exercise authority upon them. But it shall not be so among you: but '''whosoever will be great among you, let him be your minister; And whosoever will be chief among you, let him be your servant: Even as the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 20:25–28] (KJV)

*What will ye that I shall do unto you?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 20:32] (KJV) Asked of two blind men.

*Go into the village over against you, and straightway ye shall find an ass tied, and a colt with her: loose them, and bring them unto me. And if any man say ought unto you, ye shall say, The Lord hath need of them; and straightway he will send them. All this was done, that it might be fulfilled which was spoken by the prophet, saying, Tell ye the daughter of Sion, Behold, thy King cometh unto thee, meek, and sitting upon an ass, and a colt the foal of an ass.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 21:2–5] (KJV)

*'''It is written, My house shall be called the house of prayer; but ye have made it a den of thieves.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 21:13] (KJV)

*Yea; have ye never read, '''Out of the mouth of babes and sucklings thou hast perfected praise?'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 21:16] (KJV)

*Let no fruit grow on thee henceforward for ever.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 21:19] (KJV) Said to a fig tree.

*Verily I say unto you, '''If ye have faith, and doubt not, ye shall not only do this which is done to the fig tree, but also if ye shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; it shall be done.
[22] And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 21:21–22] (KJV)

*I also will ask you one thing, which if ye tell me, I in like wise will tell you by what authority I do these things. The baptism of John, whence was it? from heaven, or of men?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 21:24–25] (KJV)

* Neither tell I you by what authority I do these things. But what think ye? A certain man had two sons; and he came to the first, and said, Son, go work to day in my vineyard. He answered and said, I will not: but afterward he repented, and went. And he came to the second, and said likewise. And he answered and said, I go, sir: and went not. Whether of them twain did the will of his father? They say unto him, The first. Jesus saith unto them, Verily I say unto you, '''That the publicans and the harlots go into the kingdom of God before you.''' For John came unto you in the way of righteousness, and ye believed him not: but the publicans and the harlots believed him: and ye, when ye had seen it, repented not afterward, that ye might believe him. Hear another parable: There was a certain householder, which planted a vineyard, and hedged it round about, and digged a winepress in it, and built a tower, and let it out to husbandmen, and went into a far country: And when the time of the fruit drew near, he sent his servants to the husbandmen, that they might receive the fruits of it. And the husbandmen took his servants, and beat one, and killed another, and stoned another. Again, he sent other servants more than the first: and they did unto them likewise. But last of all he sent unto them his son, saying, They will reverence my son. But when the husbandmen saw the son, they said among themselves, This is the heir; come, let us kill him, and let us seize on his inheritance. And they caught him, and cast him out of the vineyard, and slew him. When the lord therefore of the vineyard cometh, what will he do unto those husbandmen?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 21:27–40] (KJV)

*Did ye never read in the scriptures, '''The stone which the builders rejected, the same is become the head of the corner: this is the Lord's doing, and it is marvellous in our eyes?''' Therefore say I unto you, '''The kingdom of God shall be taken from you, and given to a nation bringing forth the fruits thereof.''' And whosoever shall fall on this stone shall be broken: but on whomsoever it shall fall, it will grind him to powder.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 21:27–42 and 44] (KJV)

* The kingdom of heaven is like unto a certain king, which made a marriage for his son, And sent forth his servants to call them that were bidden to the wedding: and they would not come. Again, he sent forth other servants, saying, Tell them which are bidden, Behold, I have prepared my dinner: my oxen and my fatlings are killed, and all things are ready: come unto the marriage. But they made light of it, and went their ways, one to his farm, another to his merchandise: And the remnant took his servants, and entreated them spitefully, and slew them. But when the king heard thereof, he was wroth: and he sent forth his armies, and destroyed those murderers, and burned up their city. Then saith he to his servants, The wedding is ready, but they which were bidden were not worthy. Go ye therefore into the highways, and as many as ye shall find, bid to the marriage. So those servants went out into the highways, and gathered together all as many as they found, both bad and good: and the wedding was furnished with guests. And when the king came in to see the guests, he saw there a man which had not on a wedding garment: And he saith unto him, Friend, how camest thou in hither not having a wedding garment? And he was speechless. Then said the king to the servants, Bind him hand and foot, and take him away, and cast him into outer darkness; there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth. '''For many are called, but few are chosen'''.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 22:2–14] (KJV)

*Why tempt ye me, ye hypocrites? Shew me the tribute money.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 22:18–19] (KJV)

*Whose is this image and superscription?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 22:20] (KJV)

*'''Render therefore unto Caesar the things which are Caesar's; and unto God the things that are God's.'''

**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 22:21] (KJV)

*Ye do err, not knowing the scriptures, nor the power of God. For in the resurrection they neither marry, nor are given in marriage, but are as the angels of God in heaven. But as touching the resurrection of the dead, have ye not read that which was spoken unto you by God, saying, I am the God of Abraham, and the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob? God is not the God of the dead, but of the living.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 22:29–32] (KJV)

*'''Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 22:37–40] (KJV)

*What think ye of Christ? whose son is he?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 22:42] (KJV)

*How then doth David in spirit call him Lord, saying, The LORD said unto my Lord, Sit thou on my right hand, till I make thine enemies thy footstool? If David then call him Lord, how is he his son?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 22:43–45] (KJV)

*The scribes and the Pharisees sit in Moses' seat: All therefore whatsoever they bid you observe, that observe and do; but do not ye after their works: for they say, and do not. For they bind heavy burdens and grievous to be borne, and lay them on men's shoulders; but they themselves will not move them with one of their fingers. But all their works they do for to be seen of men: they make broad their phylacteries, and enlarge the borders of their garments, And love the uppermost rooms at feasts, and the chief seats in the synagogues, And greetings in the markets, and to be called of men, Rabbi, Rabbi. But be not ye called Rabbi: for one is your Master, even Christ; and all ye are brethren. And call no man your father upon the earth: for one is your Father, which is in heaven. Neither be ye called masters: for one is your Master, even Christ. '''But he that is greatest among you shall be your servant. And whosoever shall exalt himself shall be abased; and he that shall humble himself shall be exalted.''' But woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye shut up the kingdom of heaven against men: for ye neither go in yourselves, neither suffer ye them that are entering to go in. Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye devour widows' houses, and for a pretence make long prayer: therefore ye shall receive the greater damnation. Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye compass sea and land to make one proselyte, and when he is made, ye make him twofold more the child of hell than yourselves. Woe unto you, ye blind guides, which say, Whosoever shall swear by the temple, it is nothing; but whosoever shall swear by the gold of the temple, he is a debtor! Ye fools and blind: for whether is greater, the gold, or the temple that sanctifieth the gold? And, Whosoever shall swear by the altar, it is nothing; but whosoever sweareth by the gift that is upon it, he is guilty. Ye fools and blind: for whether is greater, the gift, or the altar that sanctifieth the gift? Whoso therefore shall swear by the altar, sweareth by it, and by all things thereon. And whoso shall swear by the temple, sweareth by it, and by him that dwelleth therein. And he that shall swear by heaven, sweareth by the throne of God, and by him that sitteth thereon. Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye pay tithe of mint and anise and cummin, and have omitted the weightier matters of the law, judgment, mercy, and faith: these ought ye to have done, and not to leave the other undone. Ye blind guides, which strain at a gnat, and swallow a camel. Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye make clean the outside of the cup and of the platter, but within they are full of extortion and excess. Thou blind Pharisee, cleanse first that which is within the cup and platter, that the outside of them may be clean also. Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye are like unto whited sepulchres, which indeed appear beautiful outward, but are within full of dead men's bones, and of all uncleanness. Even so ye also outwardly appear righteous unto men, but within ye are full of hypocrisy and iniquity. Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! because ye build the tombs of the prophets, and garnish the sepulchres of the righteous, And say, If we had been in the days of our fathers, we would not have been partakers with them in the blood of the prophets. Wherefore ye be witnesses unto yourselves, that ye are the children of them which killed the prophets. Fill ye up then the measure of your fathers. '''Ye serpents, ye generation of vipers, how can ye escape the damnation of hell?''' Wherefore, behold, I send unto you prophets, and wise men, and scribes: and some of them ye shall kill and crucify; and some of them shall ye scourge in your synagogues, and persecute them from city to city: That upon you may come all the righteous blood shed upon the earth, from the blood of righteous Abel unto the blood of Zacharias son of Barachias, whom ye slew between the temple and the altar. Verily I say unto you, All these things shall come upon this generation. O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, thou that killest the prophets, and stonest them which are sent unto thee, how often would I have gathered thy children together, even as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings, and ye would not! Behold, your house is left unto you desolate. For I say unto you, Ye shall not see me henceforth, till ye shall say, Blessed is he that cometh in the name of the Lord.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 23:2–39] (KJV)

* See ye not all these things? verily I say unto you, '''There shall not be left here one stone upon another, that shall not be thrown down.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 24:2] (KJV)

*'''Take heed that no man deceive you. For many shall come in my name, saying, I am Christ; and shall deceive many. And ye shall hear of wars and rumours of wars: see that ye be not troubled: for all these things must come to pass, but the end is not yet. For nation shall rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom: and there shall be famines, and pestilences, and earthquakes, in divers places. All these are the beginning of sorrows. Then shall they deliver you up to be afflicted, and shall kill you: and ye shall be hated of all nations for my name's sake. And then shall many be offended, and shall betray one another, and shall hate one another. And many false prophets shall rise, and shall deceive many. And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold. But he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved. And this gospel of the kingdom shall be preached in all the world for a witness unto all nations; and then shall the end come.''' When ye therefore shall see the abomination of desolation, spoken of by Daniel the prophet, stand in the holy place, (whoso readeth, let him understand:) Then let them which be in Judaea flee into the mountains: Let him which is on the housetop not come down to take any thing out of his house: Neither let him which is in the field return back to take his clothes. And woe unto them that are with child, and to them that give suck in those days! But pray ye that your flight be not in the winter, neither on the sabbath day: For then shall be great tribulation, such as was not since the beginning of the world to this time, no, nor ever shall be. And except those days should be shortened, there should no flesh be saved: but for the elect's sake those days shall be shortened. '''Then if any man shall say unto you, Lo, here is Christ, or there; believe it not. For there shall arise false Christs, and false prophets, and shall shew great signs and wonders; insomuch that, if it were possible, they shall deceive the very elect. Behold, I have told you before. Wherefore if they shall say unto you, Behold, he is in the desert; go not forth: behold, he is in the secret chambers; believe it not. For as the lightning cometh out of the east, and shineth even unto the west; so shall also the coming of the Son of man be.''' For wheresoever the carcase is, there will the eagles be gathered together. '''Immediately after the tribulation of those days shall the sun be darkened, and the moon shall not give her light, and the stars shall fall from heaven, and the powers of the heavens shall be shaken: And then shall appear the sign of the Son of man in heaven: and then shall all the tribes of the earth mourn, and they shall see the Son of man coming in the clouds of heaven with power and great glory.''' And he shall send his angels with a great sound of a trumpet, and they shall gather together his elect from the four winds, from one end of heaven to the other. Now learn a parable of the fig tree; When his branch is yet tender, and putteth forth leaves, ye know that summer is nigh: So likewise ye, when ye shall see all these things, know that it is near, even at the doors. Verily I say unto you, '''This generation shall not pass, till all these things be fulfilled. Heaven and earth shall pass away, but my words shall not pass away. But of that day and hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels of heaven, but my Father only.''' But as the days of Noe were, so shall also the coming of the Son of man be. For as in the days that were before the flood they were eating and drinking, marrying and giving in marriage, until the day that Noe entered into the ark, And knew not until the flood came, and took them all away; so shall also the coming of the Son of man be. Then shall two be in the field; the one shall be taken, and the other left. Two women shall be grinding at the mill; the one shall be taken, and the other left. '''Watch therefore: for ye know not what hour your Lord doth come.''' But know this, that if the goodman of the house had known in what watch the thief would come, he would have watched, and would not have suffered his house to be broken up. Therefore be ye also ready: for in such an hour as ye think not the Son of man cometh. Who then is a faithful and wise servant, whom his lord hath made ruler over his household, to give them meat in due season? Blessed is that servant, whom his lord when he cometh shall find so doing. Verily I say unto you, That he shall make him ruler over all his goods. But and if that evil servant shall say in his heart, My lord delayeth his coming; And shall begin to smite his fellowservants, and to eat and drink with the drunken; The lord of that servant shall come in a day when he looketh not for him, and in an hour that he is not aware of, And shall cut him asunder, and appoint him his portion with the hypocrites: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 24:5–51] (KJV)
** Variant translation:
* [T]he sun will be darkened, and the moon will not give its light; the stars will fall from the sky, and the heavenly bodies will be shaken. … They will see the Son of Man coming on the clouds of the sky, with power and great glory... ''I tell you the truth, this generation will certainly not pass away until all these things have happened.''
** [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2024:29-34;&amp;version=31; 24:29–34] (NIV)

[[File:StJohnsAshfield StainedGlass Gethsemane.jpg|thumb|Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane: ''Sit ye here, while I go and pray yonder.'' [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:36] (KJV)]]

====Chapters 25–26====
*Then shall the kingdom of heaven be likened unto ten virgins, which took their lamps, and went forth to meet the bridegroom. And five of them were wise, and five were foolish. They that were foolish took their lamps, and took no oil with them: But the wise took oil in their vessels with their lamps. While the bridegroom tarried, they all slumbered and slept. And at midnight there was a cry made, Behold, the bridegroom cometh; go ye out to meet him. Then all those virgins arose, and trimmed their lamps. And the foolish said unto the wise, Give us of your oil; for our lamps are gone out. But the wise answered, saying, Not so; lest there be not enough for us and you: but go ye rather to them that sell, and buy for yourselves. And while they went to buy, the bridegroom came; and they that were ready went in with him to the marriage: and the door was shut. Afterward came also the other virgins, saying, Lord, Lord, open to us. But he answered and said, Verily I say unto you, I know you not. Watch therefore, for ye know neither the day nor the hour wherein the Son of man cometh. For the kingdom of heaven is as a man travelling into a far country, who called his own servants, and delivered unto them his goods. '''And unto one he gave five talents, to another two, and to another one; to every man according to his several ability'''; and straightway took his journey. Then he that had received the five talents went and traded with the same, and made them other five talents. And likewise he that had received two, he also gained other two. But he that had received one went and digged in the earth, and hid his lord's money. After a long time the lord of those servants cometh, and reckoneth with them. And so he that had received five talents came and brought other five talents, saying, Lord, thou deliveredst unto me five talents: behold, I have gained beside them five talents more. His lord said unto him, Well done, thou good and faithful servant: thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord. He also that had received two talents came and said, Lord, thou deliveredst unto me two talents: behold, I have gained two other talents beside them. His lord said unto him, Well done, good and faithful servant; thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord. Then he which had received the one talent came and said, Lord, I knew thee that thou art an hard man, reaping where thou hast not sown, and gathering where thou hast not strawed: And I was afraid, and went and hid thy talent in the earth: lo, there thou hast that is thine. His lord answered and said unto him, Thou wicked and slothful servant, thou knewest that I reap where I sowed not, and gather where I have not strawed: Thou oughtest therefore to have put my money to the exchangers, and then at my coming I should have received mine own with usury. Take therefore the talent from him, and give it unto him which hath ten talents. For unto every one that hath shall be given, and he shall have abundance: but from him that hath not shall be taken away even that which he hath. And cast ye the unprofitable servant into outer darkness: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth. When the Son of man shall come in his glory, and all the holy angels with him, then shall he sit upon the throne of his glory: And before him shall be gathered all nations: and he shall separate them one from another, as a shepherd divideth his sheep from the goats: '''And he shall set the sheep on his right hand, but the goats on the left.''' Then shall the King say unto them on his right hand, Come, ye blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world: '''For I was an hungred, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in: Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me.''' Then shall the righteous answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, and fed thee? or thirsty, and gave thee drink? When saw we thee a stranger, and took thee in? or naked, and clothed thee? Or when saw we thee sick, or in prison, and came unto thee? And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, '''Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.''' Then shall he say also unto them on the left hand, Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels: For I was an hungred, and ye gave me no meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me no drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me not in: naked, and ye clothed me not: sick, and in prison, and ye visited me not. Then shall they also answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, or athirst, or a stranger, or naked, or sick, or in prison, and did not minister unto thee? Then shall he answer them, saying, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye did it not to one of the least of these, ye did it not to me. And these shall go away into everlasting punishment: but the righteous into life eternal.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 25:1–46] (KJV)

*'''Ye know that after two days is the feast of the passover, and the Son of man is betrayed to be crucified.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:2] (KJV)

*Why trouble ye the woman? for she hath wrought a good work upon me. '''For ye have the poor always with you; but me ye have not always.''' For in that she hath poured this ointment on my body, she did it for my burial. Verily I say unto you, Wheresoever this gospel shall be preached in the whole world, there shall also this, that this woman hath done, be told for a memorial of her.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:10–13] (KJV)

*Go into the city to such a man, and say unto him, The Master saith, My time is at hand; I will keep the passover at thy house with my disciples.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:18] (KJV)

*'''Verily I say unto you, that one of you shall betray me.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:21] (KJV)

*He that dippeth his hand with me in the dish, the same shall betray me. '''The Son of man goeth as it is written of him: but woe unto that man by whom the Son of man is betrayed! it had been good for that man if he had not been born.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:23–24] (KJV)

*Thou hast said.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:25] (KJV) Said to Judas.

*'''Take, eat; this is my body. And he took the cup, and gave thanks, and gave it to them, saying, Drink ye all of it; For this is my blood of the new testament, which is shed for many for the remission of sins. But I say unto you, I will not drink henceforth of this fruit of the vine, until that day when I drink it new with you in my Father's kingdom.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:26–29] (KJV)

*All ye shall be offended because of me this night: for it is written, I will smite the shepherd, and the sheep of the flock shall be scattered abroad. But after I am risen again, I will go before you into Galilee.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:31–32] (KJV)

*'''Verily I say unto thee, That this night, before the cock crow, thou shalt deny me thrice.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:34] (KJV) Said to Peter.

*Sit ye here, while I go and pray yonder.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:36] (KJV)

*My soul is exceeding sorrowful, even unto death: tarry ye here, and watch with me.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:38] (KJV)

*'''O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:39] (KJV)

*What, could ye not watch with me one hour? '''Watch and pray, that ye enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:40–41] (KJV)

*'''O my Father, if this cup may not pass away from me, except I drink it, thy will be done.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:42] (KJV)

*Sleep on now, and take your rest: behold, the hour is at hand, and the Son of man is betrayed into the hands of sinners. Rise, let us be going: behold, he is at hand that doth betray me.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:45–46] (KJV)

*Friend, wherefore art thou come?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:50] (KJV) Said to Judas.

*Put up again thy sword into his place: '''for all they that take the sword shall perish with the sword.''' Thinkest thou that I cannot now pray to my Father, and he shall presently give me more than twelve legions of angels? But how then shall the scriptures be fulfilled, that thus it must be?

[[File:El_Greco_(Domenikos_Theotokopoulos)_-_Christ_Blessing_('The_Saviour_of_the_World')_-_Google_Art_Project.jpg|thumb| And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age. ~[[Jesus]] in Matthew 28:20 ]] 

*Are ye come out as against a thief with swords and staves for to take me? I sat daily with you teaching in the temple, and ye laid no hold on me. But all this was done, that the scriptures of the prophets might be fulfilled.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:55–56] (KJV)

*Thou hast said: nevertheless I say unto you, '''Hereafter shall ye see the Son of man sitting on the right hand of power, and coming in the clouds of heaven.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:64] (KJV) Said to Caiaphas, the high priest.

====Chapter 28====

*And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.  
**[[Jesus]] in Matthew 28:20

=== [[Gospel of Mark]] ===
&lt;!-- include only statements ''by'' Jesus here that are not already included above, otherwise go to Gospel of [[Mark]] --&gt;
[[File:El Greco 041.jpg|thumb|Whosoever will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.]]

* The sabbath was made for man, and not man for the sabbath.
** [[w:Gospel of Mark|Mark]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark+2%3A27&amp;version=KJV; 2:27] (KJV)

* Verily I say unto you, All sins shall be forgiven unto the sons of men, and blasphemies wherewith soever they shall blaspheme: But he that shall blaspheme against the Holy Ghost hath never forgiveness, but is in danger of eternal damnation.
** [[w:Gospel of Mark|Mark]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark%203:29;&amp;version=9; 3:28-29] (KJV)

* They came to the other side of the sea, to the country of the Ger′asenes. And when he had come out of the boat, there met him out of the tombs a man with an unclean spirit, who lived among the tombs; and no one could bind him any more, even with a chain; for he had often been bound with fetters and chains, but the chains he wrenched apart, and the fetters he broke in pieces; and no one had the strength to subdue him. Night and day among the tombs and on the mountains he was always crying out, and bruising himself with stones. And when he saw Jesus from afar, he ran and worshiped him; and crying out with a loud voice, he said, “What have you to do with me, Jesus, Son of the Most High God? I adjure you by God, do not torment me.” For he had said to him, “Come out of the man, you unclean spirit!” And Jesus asked him, “What is your name?” He replied, “My name is Legion; for we are many.” And he begged him eagerly not to send them out of the country. Now a great herd of swine was feeding there on the hillside; and they begged him, “Send us to the swine, let us enter them.” So he gave them leave. And the unclean spirits came out, and entered the swine; and the herd, numbering about two thousand, rushed down the steep bank into the sea, and were drowned in the sea.
** Mark 5:1-20

* He also said to them, &quot;You completely invalidate God's command in order to maintain your tradition! For Moses said: &lt;blockquote&gt;Honor your father and your mother; and, &lt;br /&gt; Whoever speaks evil of father or mother &lt;br /&gt; must be put to death.&lt;/blockquote&gt;
** [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark%207:9–10;&amp;version=77; 7:9–10]

* '''Whosoever will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. For whosoever will save his life shall lose it; but whosoever shall lose his life for my sake and the gospel's, the same shall save it. For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?'''
** 8:34b–36 (KJV)

*...whoever is not against us is for us.
** [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark%209:40;&amp;version=31; 9:40]

* The next day as they were leaving Bethany, Jesus was hungry. Seeing in the distance a fig tree in leaf, he went to find out if it had any fruit. When he reached it, he found nothing but leaves, because it was not the season for figs. Then he said to the tree, “May no one ever eat fruit from you again.” And his disciples heard him say it.
** The next day when they came out from Bethany, He was hungry. After seeing in the distance a fig tree with leaves, He went to find out if there was anything on it. When He came to it, He found nothing but leaves, because it was not the season for figs. He said to it, &quot;May no one ever eat fruit from you again!&quot;
** Mark 11:12-14 [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark%2011:12–14;&amp;version=77; 11:12–14]

* One of the scribes came to Jesus and asked him, &quot;Which is the first of all commandments?&quot; Jesus replied,&quot;The first is this: Hear, O Israel! The Lord our God is Lord alone! You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength. The second is like: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. There is no other commandment greater than these.&quot;
** Mark 12:28-34

* In all the nations, the good news has to be preached first.
** [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/mark/13/ 13:10], [[NWT]]

* Heaven and earth shall pass away, but my words shall not pass away.
** Mark 13:31, KJV

* Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned. And these signs will accompany those who believe: In my name they will drive out demons; they will speak in new tongues; they will pick up snakes with their hands; and when they drink deadly poison, it will not hurt them at all; they will place their hands on sick people, and they will get well.
** [[w:Jesus|Jesus]], [[w:Gospel of Mark|Mark]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark%2016:17–18;&amp;version=31; 16:16–18]

==== On the Mount of Olives ====
:&lt;small&gt;Speech on the [[w:Mount of Olives|Mount of Olives]], on the night before his crucifixion.&lt;/small&gt;

* '''Take heed lest any man deceive you: For many shall come in my name, saying, I am Christ; and shall deceive many. And when ye shall hear of wars and rumours of wars, be ye not troubled: for such things must needs be; but the end shall not be yet.''' &lt;br /&gt; For nation shall rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom: and there shall be earthquakes in divers places, and there shall be famines and troubles: these are the beginnings of sorrows. &lt;br /&gt; But take heed to yourselves: for they shall deliver you up to councils; and in the synagogues ye shall be beaten: and ye shall be brought before rulers and kings for my sake, for a testimony against them. And the gospel must first be published among all nations. &lt;br /&gt; But when they shall lead you, and deliver you up, take no thought beforehand what ye shall speak, neither do ye premeditate: but whatsoever shall be given you in that hour, that speak ye: for it is not ye that speak, but the Holy Ghost.'''
** 13:5b–11 (KJV)

* '''Now the brother shall betray the brother to death, and the father the son; and children shall rise up against their parents, and shall cause them to be put to death.And ye shall be hated of all men for my name's sake: but he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved. &lt;br /&gt; But when ye shall see the abomination of desolation, spoken of by Daniel the prophet, standing where it ought not, (let him that readeth understand,) then let them that be in Judaea flee to the mountains: '''And let him that is on the housetop not go down into the house, neither enter therein, to take any thing out of his house: And let him that is in the field not turn back again for to take up his garment. &lt;br /&gt; But woe to them that are with child, and to them that give suck in those days! And pray ye that your flight be not in the winter. For in those days shall be affliction, such as was not from the beginning of the creation which God created unto this time, neither shall be. And except that the Lord had shortened those days, no flesh should be saved: but for the elect's sake, whom he hath chosen, he hath shortened the days.
** 13:12–20 (KJV)

* '''And then if any man shall say to you, Lo, here is Christ; or, lo, he is there; believe him not: For false Christs and false prophets shall rise, and shall shew signs and wonders, to seduce, if it were possible, even the elect. But take ye heed: behold, I have foretold you all things. &lt;br /&gt; But in those days, after that tribulation, the sun shall be darkened, and the moon shall not give her light, And the stars of heaven shall fall, and the powers that are in heaven shall be shaken. &lt;br /&gt; '''And then shall they see the Son of man coming in the clouds with great power and glory. And then shall he send his angels, and shall gather together his elect from the four winds, from the uttermost part of the earth to the uttermost part of heaven.'''
** 13:21–27 (KJV)

* Now learn a parable of the fig tree; When her branch is yet tender, and putteth forth leaves, ye know that summer is near: So ye in like manner, when ye shall see these things come to pass, know that it is nigh, even at the doors. &lt;br /&gt; '''Verily I say unto you, that this generation shall not pass, till all these things be done. Heaven and earth shall pass away: but my words shall not pass away.''' But of that day and that hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels which are in heaven, neither the Son, but the Father. &lt;br /&gt; Take ye heed, watch and pray: for ye know not when the time is. For the Son of Man is as a man taking a far journey, who left his house, and gave authority to his servants, and to every man his work, and commanded the porter to watch. Watch ye therefore: for ye know not when the master of the house cometh, at even, or at midnight, or at the cockcrowing, or in the morning: Lest coming suddenly he find you sleeping. '''And what I say unto you I say unto all, Watch.'''
** 13:28–37 (KJV)

=== [[Gospel of Luke]] ===
[[File:Hagiasophia-christ.jpg|thumb|Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven.]]
&lt;!-- include only statements ''by'' Jesus here that are not already included above, otherwise go to [[Gospel of Luke]] --&gt;
*&quot;And he said to them (Joseph and Mary), “Why were you looking for me? Did you not know that I must be in my Father's house?”
** Luke 2:49 (ESV)

* The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to set the oppressed free, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor.
** Luke 4:18-19 [[New International Version|NIV]]

* '''And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back.'''
** [[w:Jesus|Jesus]] on [[w:usury|usury]] from the [[w:Sermon on the Mount|Sermon on the Mount]], [[w:Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%206:35;&amp;version=31; 6:34–35]

* ''' Ye know not what manner of spirit ye are of. For the Son of man is not come to destroy men's lives, but to save them.''' (KJV)
** 9:55–56 Rebuking James and John for asking if he would command fire to come down from heaven, to consume a village of [[w:Samaritans|Samaritans]] for not receiving them, because they seemed to be headed for Jerusalem.

* In that very hour he became overjoyed in the holy spirit and said: “I publicly praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have carefully hidden these things from wise and intellectual ones and have revealed them to young children. Yes, O Father, because this is the way you approved.
** [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/luke/10/ Luke 10:21], [[New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures]]

* '''A certain man went down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and fell among thieves, which stripped him of his raiment, and wounded him, and departed, leaving him half dead.''' And by chance there came down a certain priest that way: and when he saw him, he passed by on the other side. And likewise a Levite, when he was at the place, came and looked on him, and passed by on the other side. &lt;br /&gt; '''But a certain Samaritan, as he journeyed, came where he was: and when he saw him, he had compassion on him, And went to him, and bound up his wounds, pouring in oil and wine, and set him on his own beast, and brought him to an inn, and took care of him.''' And on the morrow when he departed, he took out two pence, and gave them to the host, and said unto him, Take care of him; and whatsoever thou spendest more, when I come again, I will repay thee. &lt;br /&gt; Which now of these three, thinkest thou, was neighbour unto him that fell among the thieves? &lt;br /&gt; And he said, He that shewed mercy on him. Then said Jesus unto him, '''Go, and do thou likewise.'''
** 10:31–37 The famous parable of the [[w:Good Samaritan|Good Samaritan]].

* And Jesus answered and said unto her, Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things, but one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her.
** 10:41-42 (King James Version| KJV)


* He that is not with me is against me: and he that gathereth not with me scattereth.
** [[w:Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%2011:23;&amp;version=9; 11:23] (KJV)

* Ye fools, did not he that made that which is without make that which is within also?
** 11:40 (KJV)

* '''Woe unto you, lawyers! for ye have taken away the key of knowledge: ye entered not in yourselves, and them that were entering in ye hindered.''' And as he said these things unto them, the scribes and the Pharisees began to urge him vehemently, and to provoke him to speak of many things: Laying wait for him, and seeking to catch something out of his mouth, that they might accuse him.
** 11:52

* When there were gathered together an innumerable multitude of people, insomuch that they trode one upon another, he began to say unto his disciples first of all, '''Beware ye of the leaven of the Pharisees, which is hypocrisy. For there is nothing covered, that shall not be revealed; neither hid, that shall not be known.''' Therefore whatsoever ye have spoken in darkness shall be heard in the light; and that which ye have spoken in the ear in closets shall be proclaimed upon the housetops. And I say unto you my friends, Be not afraid of them that kill the body, and after that have no more that they can do. But I will forewarn you whom ye shall fear: Fear him, which after he hath killed hath power to cast into hell; yea, I say unto you, Fear him.
** 12:1–5

* Are not five sparrows sold for two farthings, and not one of them is forgotten before God? But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not therefore: ye are of more value than many sparrows.
** 12:6–7

* Then he said to them, &quot;Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; '''a man's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions'''.&quot; &lt;br /&gt; And he told them this parable: &quot;The ground of a certain rich man produced a good crop. He thought to himself, 'What shall I do? I have no place to store my crops.' &lt;br /&gt; &quot;Then he said, 'This is what I'll do. I will tear down my barns and build bigger ones, and there I will store all my grain and my goods. And I'll say to myself, &quot;You have plenty of good things laid up for many years. Take life easy; '''eat, drink and be merry'''.&quot; ' &lt;br /&gt; &quot;But God said to him, 'You fool! This very night your life will be demanded from you. Then who will get what you have prepared for yourself?' &lt;br /&gt; &quot;This is how it will be with anyone who stores up things for himself but is not rich toward God.&quot;
** 12:15–21 (NIV)

* Have no fear, little flock, for your Father has approved of giving you the Kingdom.
** [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/luke/12/ 12:32]

* Be ye therefore ready also: for the Son of man cometh at an hour when ye think not.
** 12:40

* The lord of that servant will come in a day when he looketh not for him, and at an hour when he is not aware, and will cut him in sunder, and will appoint him his portion with the unbelievers.
** [[w:Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%2012:46;&amp;version=9; 12:46] (KJV)

* And that servant, which knew his lord's will, and prepared not himself, neither did according to his will, shall be beaten with many stripes.
** [[w:Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%2012:47;&amp;version=9; 12:47] (KJV)

* '''Unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required: and to whom men have committed much, of him they will ask the more. '''
** 12:48

* I came to set fire to the earth, and I wish it were already on fire!
** 12:49 (CEV)

* '''Suppose ye that I am come to give peace on earth? I tell you, Nay; but rather division: For from henceforth there shall be five in one house divided, three against two, and two against three. The father shall be divided against the son, and the son against the father; the mother against the daughter, and the daughter against the mother; the mother in law against her daughter in law, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.''' &lt;br /&gt; And he said also to the people, When ye see a cloud rise out of the west, straightway ye say, There cometh a shower; and so it is. And when ye see the south wind blow, ye say, There will be heat; and it cometh to pass. Ye hypocrites, ye can discern the face of the sky and of the earth; but how is it that ye do not discern this time? '''Yea, and why even of yourselves judge ye not what is right?'''
** 12:51–57 (KJV) Variant translation of 12:57: '''Why do you not judge for yourselves what is right?'''

*If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and his own life also, he cannot be My disciple.
** [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%2014:26;&amp;version=50; 14:26]

* “What man among you with 100 sheep, on losing one of them, will not leave the 99 behind in the wilderness and go after the lost one until he finds it? And when he has found it, he puts it on his shoulders and rejoices. And when he gets home, he calls his friends and his neighbors together, saying to them, ‘Rejoice with me, for I have found my sheep that was lost.’ I tell you that in the same way, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over 99 righteous ones who have no need of repentance.
** [http://wol.jw.org/en/wol/bsync/r4/lp-s/nwt/E/2013/r1/lp-e/42/15#h=141:0-141:86&amp;selbvs=1 Luke 15: 4-7]

* What is exalted among men is an abomination in the sight of God.
** 16:15 [[English Standard Version|ESV]]

* Those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.
** 18:14 [[New International Version|NIV]]

* '''Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven. Verily I say unto you, Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child shall in no wise enter therein.'''
** [http://bible.cc/luke/18-16.htm 18:16–17] (KJV)
** Variant translation: '''Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.''' (NIV)

[[File:Monte Cassino interior 03.jpg|thumb|Yet lackest thou one thing: sell all that thou hast, and distribute unto the [[poor]], and thou shalt have treasure in [[heaven]]: and come, follow me.]]
* Yet lackest thou one thing: sell all that thou hast, and distribute unto the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come, follow me. 
** 18:22 (KJV)

* For it is easier for a camel to go through a needle's eye, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God. 
** 18:25 (KJV)

* Behold, there was a man named Zacchaeus, which was the chief among the publicans, and he was rich. And he sought to see Jesus who he was; and could not for the press, because he was little of stature. And he ran before, and climbed up into a sycomore tree to see him: for he was to pass that way. And when Jesus came to the place, he looked up, and saw him, and said unto him, Zacchaeus, make haste, and come down; for to day I must abide at thy house. And he made haste, and came down, and received him joyfully. And when they saw it, they all murmured, saying, That he was gone to be guest with a man that is a sinner. And Zacchaeus stood, and said unto the Lord: Behold, Lord, the half of my goods I give to the poor; and if I have taken any thing from any man by false accusation, I restore him fourfold. And Jesus said unto him, This day is salvation come to this house, forsomuch as he also is a son of Abraham. For the Son of man is come to seek and to save that which was lost.
** 19:2–10

* '''He added and spake a parable, because he was nigh to Jerusalem, and because they thought that the kingdom of God should immediately appear.''' He said therefore, A certain nobleman went into a far country to receive for himself a kingdom, and to return. And he called his ten servants, and delivered them ten pounds, and said unto them, Occupy till I come. But his citizens hated him, and sent a message after him, saying, We will not have this man to reign over us. And it came to pass, that when he was returned, having received the kingdom, then he commanded these servants to be called unto him, to whom he had given the money, that he might know how much every man had gained by trading. &lt;br /&gt; Then came the first, saying, Lord, thy pound hath gained ten pounds. And he said unto him, Well, thou good servant: because thou hast been faithful in a very little, have thou authority over ten cities. &lt;br /&gt; And the second came, saying, Lord, thy pound hath gained five pounds. And he said likewise to him, Be thou also over five cities. &lt;br /&gt; And another came, saying, Lord, behold, here is thy pound, which I have kept laid up in a napkin: For I feared thee, because thou art an austere man: thou takest up that thou layedst not down, and reapest that thou didst not sow. &lt;br /&gt; And he saith unto him, Out of thine own mouth will I judge thee, thou wicked servant. Thou knewest that I was an austere man, taking up that I laid not down, and reaping that I did not sow: Wherefore then gavest not thou my money into the bank, that at my coming I might have required mine own with usury? &lt;br /&gt; And he said unto them that stood by, Take from him the pound, and give it to him that hath ten pounds. (And they said unto him, Lord, he hath ten pounds.) For '''I say unto you, That unto every one which hath shall be given; and from him that hath not, even that he hath shall be taken away from him. But those mine enemies, which would not that I should reign over them, bring hither, and slay them before me.'''
** 19:11–27; The last line of this parable has been quoted as if it were a command of Jesus, when it is in fact a command given by the protaganist of his story. In later interpretations it was used to justify the collective condemnation and persecution of Jews for not accepting Jesus as the [[w:Messiah|Messiah]], as when [[John Chrysostom]], one of the [[w:Three Holy Hierarchs|Three Holy Hierarchs]], and a [[w:Doctor of the Church|Doctor of the Church]] uses this passage directly to condemn the Jews:
*** The Jewish people were driven by their drunkenness and plumpness to the ultimate evil; they kicked about, they failed to accept the yoke of Christ, nor did they pull the plow of his teaching. Another prophet hinted at this when he said: &quot;Israel is as obstinate as a stubborn heifer.&quot; … Although such beasts are unfit for work, they are fit for killing. And this is what happened to the Jews: while they were making themselves unfit for work, they grew fit for slaughter. This is why Christ said: &quot;But as for these my enemies, who did not want me to be king over them, bring them here and slay them.&quot; ([[w:Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [[s:Bible, King James, Luke#Chapter 19|19:27]])
**** [[John Chrysostom]] (349–ca. 407), ''[http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/source/chrysostom-jews6.html Eight Homilies Against the Jews],'' Homily 1

* At the mount called the mount of Olives, he sent two of his disciples, saying, Go ye into the village over against you; in the which at your entering ye shall find a colt tied, whereon yet never man sat: loose him, and bring him hither. And if any man ask you, Why do ye loose him? thus shall ye say unto him, Because the Lord hath need of him. &lt;br /&gt; And they that were sent went their way, and found even as he had said unto them. And as they were loosing the colt, the owners thereof said unto them, Why loose ye the colt? And they said, The Lord hath need of him.
** 19:29–35

* Then began he to speak to the people this parable; A certain man planted a vineyard, and let it forth to husbandmen, and went into a far country for a long time. And at the season he sent a servant to the husbandmen, that they should give him of the fruit of the vineyard: but the husbandmen beat him, and sent him away empty.And again he sent another servant: and they beat him also, and entreated him shamefully, and sent him away empty. And again he sent a third: and they wounded him also, and cast him out. &lt;br /&gt; Then said the lord of the vineyard, What shall I do? I will send my beloved son: it may be they will reverence him when they see him. &lt;br /&gt; But when the husbandmen saw him, they reasoned among themselves, saying, This is the heir: come, let us kill him, that the inheritance may be ours. &lt;br /&gt; So they cast him out of the vineyard, and killed him. What therefore shall the lord of the vineyard do unto them? &lt;br /&gt; He shall come and destroy these husbandmen, and shall give the vineyard to others. &lt;br /&gt; And when they heard it, they said, God forbid. And he beheld them, and said, '''What is this then that is written, The stone which the builders rejected, the same is become the head of the corner? &lt;br /&gt; Whosoever shall fall upon that stone shall be broken; but on whomsoever it shall fall, it will grind him to powder. &lt;br /&gt; And the chief priests and the scribes the same hour sought to lay hands on him; and they feared the people: for they perceived that he had spoken this parable against them.'''
** 20:9–19

* He is a God, not of the dead, but of the living, for they are all living to him.
** [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/luke/20/ Luke 20:38], [[New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures]]

* People will become faint out of fear and expectation of the things coming upon the inhabited [[earth]], for the powers of the heavens will be shaken. And then they will see the Son of man coming in a [[cloud]] with [[power]] and great [[glory]].
** [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/luke/21/ 21:26-27], [[NWT]]

* ...and he who has no sword, let him sell his garment and buy one.
** Luke 22:36 (NKJV)
* Verily I say unto thee, Today shalt thou be with me in paradise.
** [[w:Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=%20Luke%2023:43&amp;version=KJV 23:43] (KJV)

=== [[Gospel of John]] ===

[[File:Tiffany Jesus Window in Pullman Memorial Universalist Church.jpg|thumb|I am the [[door]]: by me if any man enter in, he shall be [[saved]], and shall go in and out, and find pasture. The [[thief]] cometh not, but for to [[steal]], and to [[kill]], and to [[destroy]]: I am come that they might have [[life]], and that they might have it more [[abundantly]].]]
[[File:Good shepherd 01.jpg|thumb|I am the [[good]] shepherd: the [[w:good shepherd|good shepherd]] giveth his life for the [[sheep]].]]
[[File:Vincent Willem van Gogh 083.jpg|thumb|A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.]]
{{main|Gospel of John}}

* You are Israel's teacher, and do you not understand these things?I tell you the truth, we speak of what we know, and we testify to what we have seen, but still you people do not accept our testimony. I have spoken to you of earthly things and you do not believe; how then will you believe if I speak of heavenly things? No one has ever gone into heaven except the one who came from heaven–the Son of Man. Just as Moses lifted up the snake in the desert, so the Son of Man must be lifted up, that everyone who believes in him may have eternal life. '''For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.''' Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not believed in the name of God's one and only Son. This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God.
**&lt;small&gt;John 3:10–21&lt;/small&gt;
** Variant translation: For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved. ~ 3:17

* If I [Jesus] testify about myself, my testimony is not valid.
** [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John%205:31;&amp;version=31; 5:31]

* ''' Verily, verily, I say unto you, Except ye eat the flesh of the Son of man, and drink his blood, ye have no life in you. Whoso eateth my flesh, and drinketh my blood, hath eternal life; and I will raise him up at the last day. For my flesh is meat indeed, and my blood is drink indeed. He that eateth my flesh, and drinketh my blood, dwelleth in me, and I in him.'''
** 6:53–56

* '''He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone''' at her.
** 8:7 &lt;small&gt;(King James Version)&lt;/small&gt;

* ''' You shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free.'''
** 8:32

* '''I am the [[door]]''': by me if any man enter in, he shall be saved, and shall go in and out, and find pasture. '''The [[thief]] cometh not, but for to [[steal]], and to [[kill]], and to [[destroy]]: I am come that they might have [[life]], and that they might have it more [[abundantly]]. I am the [[good]] shepherd: the [[w:good shepherd|good shepherd]] giveth his life for the [[sheep]].'''
** [https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John+10&amp;version=KJV;SBLGNT 10:9-11]

*'''Jesus answered them, “Is it not written in your law, ‘I said, “You are gods”''' ’? (34) If he called them gods, to whom the word of God came, and the scripture cannot be broken. (35) New King James Version
**[https://biblehub.com/john/10-34.htm John 10:34]

* I am the [[resurrection]] and the [[life]]. The one who exercises faith in me, even though he dies, will come to life; and everyone who is living and exercises faith in me will never die at all.
** [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/john/11/ 11:25-26], [[NWT]]

* If you know these things, happy you are if you do them.
** [http://wol.jw.org/en/wol/b/r1/lp-e/nwt/E/2013/43/13#h=93:564-93:624 13:17], [[New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures]]

* '''A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.'''
** 13:34–35 KJV

* '''I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.'''
** 14:6

* If ye shall ask any thing in my name, I will do it.
** [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John%2014:14;&amp;version=9; 14:14] (KJV)

* My Father is glorified in this, that you keep bearing much fruit and prove yourselves my disciples. Just as the Father has loved me, so I have loved you; remain in my love. If you observe my commandments, you will remain in my love, just as I have observed the commandments of the Father and remain in his [[love]]. “These things I have spoken to you, so that my joy may be in you and your joy may be made full. This is my commandment, that you love one another just as I have loved you. No one has love greater than this, that someone should surrender his life in behalf of his friends. You are my [[friends]] if you do what I am commanding you. I no longer call you slaves, because a slave does not know what his master does. But I have called you friends, because I have made known to you all the things I have heard from my Father.
** [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/john/15/ 15:8-15], [[New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures]]

* I have said these things to you so that by means of me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation, but take courage! I have conquered the world.
** [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/john/16/ 16:33], [[NWT]]

[[File:William Holman Hunt - Christ And The Two Marys.jpg|thumb|The glory which thou gavest me I have given them; that they may be one, even as we are one: I in them, and thou in me, that they may be made perfect in one; and that the world may know that thou hast sent me, and hast loved them, as thou hast loved me.]]
* '''Father, the hour is come; glorify thy Son, that thy Son also may glorify thee''': As thou hast given him power over all flesh, that he should give eternal life to as many as thou hast given him. '''And this is life eternal, that they might know thee the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom thou hast sent.''' &lt;br /&gt; '''I have glorified thee on the earth: I have finished the work which thou gavest me to do.''' And now, O Father, glorify thou me with thine own self with the glory which I had with thee before the world was. &lt;br /&gt; I have manifested thy name unto the men which thou gavest me out of the world: thine they were, and thou gavest them me; and they have kept thy word. Now they have known that all things whatsoever thou hast given me are of thee. For '''I have given unto them the words which thou gavest me; and they have received them, and have known surely that I came out from thee, and they have believed that thou didst send me.''' &lt;br /&gt; I pray for them: I pray not for the world, but for them which thou hast given me; for they are thine. And all mine are thine, and thine are mine; and I am glorified in them.And now I am no more in the world, but these are in the world, and I come to thee. Holy Father, keep through thine own name those whom thou hast given me, that they may be one, as we are. &lt;br /&gt; While I was with them in the world, I kept them in thy name: those that thou gavest me I have kept, and none of them is lost, but the son of perdition; that the scripture might be fulfilled. And now come I to thee; and these things I speak in the world, that they might have my joy fulfilled in themselves. &lt;br /&gt; I have given them thy word; and the world hath hated them, because they are not of the world, even as I am not of the world. I pray not that thou shouldest take them out of the world, but that thou shouldest keep them from the evil. '''They are not of the world, even as I am not of the world. Sanctify them through thy truth: thy word is truth.''' As thou hast sent me into the world, even so have I also sent them into the world. And for their sakes I sanctify myself, that they also might be sanctified through the truth. Neither pray I for these alone, but for them also which shall believe on me through their word; That they all may be one; as thou, Father, art in me, and I in thee, that they also may be one in us: that the world may believe that thou hast sent me. '''And the glory which thou gavest me I have given them; that they may be one, even as we are one: I in them, and thou in me, that they may be made perfect in one; and that the world may know that thou hast sent me, and hast loved them, as thou hast loved me.''' &lt;br /&gt; Father, I will that they also, whom thou hast given me, be with me where I am; that they may behold my glory, which thou hast given me: for thou lovedst me before the foundation of the world. &lt;br /&gt; '''O righteous Father, the world hath not known thee: but I have known thee, and these have known that thou hast sent me. And I have declared unto them thy name, and will declare it: that the love wherewith thou hast loved me may be in them, and I in them.'''
** 17: 1–26, ([[w:Authorized King James Version|KJV]])
** Variant translations:
** '''Father, the time has come. Glorify your Son, that your Son may glorify you. For you granted him authority over all people that he might give eternal life to all those you have given him.''' Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent. '''I have brought you glory on earth by completing the work you gave me to do. And now, Father, glorify me in your presence with the glory I had with you before the world began.''' &lt;br /&gt; I have revealed you to those whom you gave me out of the world. They were yours; you gave them to me and they have obeyed your word. Now they know that everything you have given me comes from you. For '''I gave them the words you gave me and they accepted them. They knew with certainty that I came from you, and they believed that you sent me.''' I pray for them. I am not praying for the world, but for those you have given me, for they are yours. '''All I have is yours, and all you have is mine. And glory has come to me through them.''' I will remain in the world no longer, but they are still in the world, and I am coming to you. Holy Father, protect them by the power of your name — the name you gave me — so that they may be one as we are one. '''While I was with them, I protected them and kept them safe by that name you gave me.''' None has been lost except the one doomed to destruction so that Scripture would be fulfilled. &lt;br /&gt; I am coming to you now, but I say these things while I am still in the world, so that they may have the full measure of my joy within them. I have given them your word and the world has hated them, for they are not of the world any more than I am of the world. My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one. '''They are not of the world, even as I am not of it. Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth.''' As you sent me into the world, I have sent them into the world. For them I sanctify myself, that they too may be truly sanctified. &lt;br /&gt; '''My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you.''' May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. '''I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one: I in them and you in me.''' May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. &lt;br /&gt; Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world. &lt;br /&gt; Righteous Father, though the world does not know you, I know you, and they know that you have sent me. I have made you known to them, and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them.
*** 17: 1–26, ([[w:New International Version|NIV]])

* My kingdom is not of this world: if my kingdom were of this world, then would my servants fight, that I should not be delivered to the Jews: but now is my kingdom not from hence.
** 18: 36, [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John+18%3A36%3B&amp;version=KJV] (KJV)

* Thou sayest that I am a king. To this end was I born, and for this cause came I into the world, that I should bear witness unto the truth. Every one that is of the truth heareth my voice.
** 18:37, [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John+18%3A37%3B&amp;version=KJV] (KJV)

* '''Touch me not; for I am not yet ascended to my Father: but go to my brethren, and say unto them, I ascend unto my Father, and your Father; and to my God, and your God.'''
** John [https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John+20&amp;version=KJV;SBLGNT 20:17] (KJV)

* '''Peace be unto you: as my Father hath sent me, even so send I you. … Receive ye the [[Holy Ghost]]: Whose soever sins ye remit, they are remitted unto them; and whose soever sins ye retain, they are retained.
** John 20:22-23 (KJV)

* Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and [[believe]]. Thomas answered him, &quot;My Lord and my God!&quot;
** John 20:27-28

* Λέγει αὐτῷ ὁ Ἰησοῦς Ὅτι ἑώρακάς με πεπίστευκας; μακάριοι οἱ μὴ ἰδόντες, καὶ πιστεύσαντες.&lt;BR&gt;“Have you believed because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”
** John 20:29

=== [[Acts of the Apostles]]===
* And, being assembled together with them, commanded them that they should not depart from Jerusalem, but wait for the promise of the Father, which, saith he, ye have heard of me. For John truly baptized with water; but ye shall be baptized with the Holy Ghost not many days hence.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4870983 1:4–5] (KJV)

*It is not for you to know the times or the seasons, which the Father hath put in his own power. But ye shall receive power, after that the Holy Ghost is come upon you: and ye shall be witnesses unto me both in Jerusalem, and in all Judaea, and in Samaria, and unto the uttermost part of the earth.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4870983 1:7–8] (KJV)

* '''It is more blessed to give than to receive.'''
** Acts 20:35b

=== [[Book of Revelation|Revelation]] ===
:&lt;small&gt;Statements attributed to Jesus by [[w:John of Patmos|John of Patmos]] in his vision of [[w:Christ|Christ]] and the [[w:Apocalypse|Apocalypse]].&lt;/small&gt;

* I am [[w:Alpha and Omega (Christianity)|Alpha and Omega]], the first and the last: and, What thou seest, write in a book, and send it unto the seven churches which are in Asia; unto Ephesus, and unto Smyrna, and unto Pergamos, and unto Thyatira, and unto Sardis, and unto Philadelphia, and unto Laodicea.
** Revelation 1:11

* I am he that liveth, and was dead; and, behold, I am alive for evermore, Amen; and have the keys of hell and of death. Write the things which thou hast seen, and the things which are, and the things which shall be hereafter
** Revelation 1:18–19

Variant:

* Do not be afraid. I am the First and the Last, and the living one, and I became dead, but look! I am living forever and ever, and I have the [[key]]s of death and of the Grave.
** [[Revelation]] [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/revelation/1/ 1:17-18], [[NWT]]

* Notwithstanding I have a few things against thee, because thou sufferest that woman Jezebel, which calleth herself a prophetess, to teach and to seduce my servants to commit fornication, and to eat things sacrificed unto idols. And I gave her space to repent of her fornication; and she repented not. Behold, I will cast her into a bed, and them that commit adultery with her into great tribulation, except they repent of their deeds. And I will kill her children with death; and all the churches shall know that I am he which searcheth the reins and hearts: and I will give unto every one of you according to your works
** [[w:Book of Revelation|Revelation]] [https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Revelation+2%3A+20-23&amp;version=AKJV]

* The victor and the one who keeps My works to the end: I will give him authority over the nations— &lt;blockquote&gt;and He will shepherd them with an iron scepter; &lt;br /&gt; He will shatter them like pottery— &lt;br /&gt; just as I have received [this] from My Father.&lt;/blockquote&gt;
** [[w:Book of Revelation|Revelation]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Revelation%202:26-27;&amp;version=77; 2:26–27]

* I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, the first and the last.
** Revelation 22:13

* I Jesus have sent mine angel to testify unto you these things in the churches. I am the root and the offspring of [[David]], and the bright and morning star.
** Revelation 22:16

== Aramaic statements ==
&lt;!-- If someone could provide more of these in either an Aramaic or Hebrew transcription, it would be a very welcome addition --&gt;
:&lt;small&gt;Statements of Jesus preserved in the original [[w:Aramaic|Aramaic]], [[w:Transliteration|transliterated]] into [[w:Greek language|Greek]]. For more details on these statements see the Wikipedia articles on the [[w:Aramaic of Jesus|Aramaic of Jesus]] and [[w:Words of Jesus on the cross|Words of Jesus on the cross]].&lt;/small&gt;

[[File:StJohnsAshfield StainedGlass PeterDorcas.jpg|thumb|upright|left|''Talitha koum'']]
===&quot;Little girl, arise.&quot;===
* Aramaic: &quot;{{lang|arc|טלתא קומי|rtl}}&quot; (''{{lang|arc-Latn|Ţlîthâ qûm}}'')
** Greek transliteration: &quot;{{lang|arc-Grek|ταλιθα κουμ}}&quot; (''{{lang|arc-Latn|Talitha koum}}'')
** Words said when reviving the daughter of a Jewish leader after she had been declared dead. Jesus asked, &quot;Why make ye this ado, and weep? the damsel is not dead, but sleepeth.&quot; He then spoke this quote, one of his few statements which have been reliably preserved as a transliteration of the Hebrew/Aramaic which he spoke. (Mark 5:38–42)

[[File:Cristo_crucificado.jpg|thumb|''Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?'']]
===&quot;My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?&quot;===
* Aramaic: &quot;{{lang|arc|אלהי אלהי למא שבקתני|rtl}}&quot; (''{{lang|arc-Latn|Êlî êlî lâmâ `azabtânî}}'')
** Greek transliteration (Mark 15:34): &quot;{{lang|arc-Grek|ελωι ελωι λεμα σαβαχθανι;}}&quot; (''{{lang|arc-Latn|Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?}}'')
** Greek transliteration (Matthew 27:46): &quot;{{lang|arc-Grek|ηλι ηλι λεμα σαβαχθανι;}}&quot; (''{{lang|arc-Latn|Eli, Eli lama sabbachthani?}}'')
** Words spoken during his crucifixion. Jesus here seems to be quoting a [[w:Targum|targum]] of the first line of Psalm 22. This is a quote from King David: &quot;My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me? [Why art thou so] far from helping me, [and from] the words of my roaring?&quot; (Psalm 22:1). Quoting the first verse was a standard Jewish way of referring to a whole psalm. This psalm is regarded by many to be a prophecy of the Messiah's suffering. It ends with a declaration of victory, &quot;They shall come, and shall declare his righteousness unto a people that shall be born, that he hath done [this].&quot; (Psalm 22:31)

== Variants of major statements ==
:&lt;small&gt;''Variants of major statements from different sources compared ''&lt;/small&gt;
&lt;!-- This might eventually become the largest section, but it will likely be a gradual process.--&gt;
[[File:Rossakiewicz Prayer.jpg|thumb|Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name. &lt;br /&gt; Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.]]

* After this manner therefore pray ye: '''Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name. &lt;br /&gt; Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven. &lt;br /&gt; Give us this day our daily bread. &lt;br /&gt; And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. &lt;br /&gt; And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen.'''
** Matthew 6:9–13 (KJV) The version in Luke does not contain the last verse of this passage, and some translations have these two lines as &lt;br /&gt; forgive us our trespass &lt;br /&gt; as we forgive those who trespass against us
** In this manner, therefore, pray: &lt;br /&gt; Our Father in heaven, &lt;br /&gt; Hallowed be Your name. &lt;br /&gt; Your kingdom come. &lt;br /&gt; Your will be done &lt;br /&gt; On earth as it is in heaven. &lt;br /&gt; Give us this day our daily bread. &lt;br /&gt; And forgive us our debts, &lt;br /&gt; As we forgive our debtors. &lt;br /&gt; And do not lead us into temptation, &lt;br /&gt; But deliver us from the evil one. &lt;br /&gt; For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. &lt;br /&gt; Amen.
***Matthew 6:9–13 (NKJV)
** And he said unto them, When ye pray, say, Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name. &lt;br /&gt; Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done, as in heaven, so in earth. &lt;br /&gt; Give us day by day our daily bread. &lt;br /&gt; And forgive us our sins; for we also forgive every one that is indebted to us. &lt;br /&gt; And lead us not into temptation; but deliver us from evil.
*** Luke 11:2–4 (KJV)

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* '''Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.''' (Matthew 7:1–2) (KJV)

* '''Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven''': Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again. (Luke 6:37–38) (KJV)

* '''Do not judge according to appearance, but judge with righteous judgment.''' (John 7:24) (NASB)
** Variant translation: Stop judging by mere appearances, and make a right judgment. (NIV)

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* So watch yourselves. '''If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him.''' If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, 'I repent,' forgive him. (Luke 17:3–4) (NIV)

* If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. (Matthew 18:15) (NIV)
* (Some manuscripts read: &quot;If your brother sins, go and show him his fault...&quot;)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
[[File:Gian Lorenzo Bernini - Dove of the Holy Spirit.JPG|thumb|Whoever blasphemes against the Father will be forgiven, and whoever blasphemes against the Son will be forgiven, but whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven either on earth or in heaven.]]
* '''Whoever blasphemes against the Father will be forgiven, and whoever blasphemes against the Son will be forgiven, but whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven either on earth or in heaven'''. (''Gospel of Thomas'' Saying 44)
** The terms &quot;[[w:Holy Spirit|Holy Spirit]]&quot; or &quot;Holy Ghost&quot; are used as translations of the Greek word πνευμα (''[[w:Pneumatology|Pneuma]]'') meaning &quot;Spirit&quot; or &quot;Breath&quot;; in most of the traditional theologies that developed in the centuries after the crucifixion of Jesus these have been taken to mean the third person of the Christian [[w:Trinity|Trinity]]. Other interpretations not dependent upon trinitarian doctrines also exist.

* '''Wherefore I say unto you, All manner of sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven unto men: but the blasphemy against the Holy Ghost shall not be forgiven unto men. And whosoever speaketh a word against the Son of man, it shall be forgiven him: but whosoever speaketh against the Holy Ghost, it shall not be forgiven him, neither in this world, neither in the world to come.''' (Matthew 12:31–32) (KJV)

* '''Verily I say unto you, All sins shall be forgiven unto the sons of men, and blasphemies wherewith soever they shall blaspheme: But he that shall blaspheme against the Holy Ghost hath never forgiveness, but is in danger of eternal damnation.''' (Mark 3:28–29) (KJV)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

* Master, we saw one casting out devils in thy name, and he followeth not us: and we forbad him, because he followeth not us. But Jesus said, '''Forbid him not: for there is no man which shall do a miracle in my name, that can lightly speak evil of me. For he that is not against us is on our part.'''
** Mark 9:38–40 (KJV)

* '''He that is not with me is against me; and he that gathereth not with me scattereth abroad.'''
** Matthew 12:30 (KJV)

* Master, we saw one casting out devils in thy name; and we forbad him, because he followeth not with us. And Jesus said unto him, '''Forbid him not: for he that is not against us is for us.'''
** Luke 9:49–50 (KJV)

* '''He that is not with me is against me: and he that gathereth not with me scattereth.'''
** Luke 11:23 (KJV)

::The apparent contradiction of these four quotes is not so great a paradox as it might seem. Plainly some could interpret these assertions as being made with an absolutely universal context and application, and thus as absolutely contradictory, but other interpretations recognize that the context of the assertions differ, and thus their application. When someone is actively ''promoting'' things they consider wise, like compassion or liberty against human apathy or hostilities then those who are not &quot;for&quot; them are against them; but when they are simply ''doing'' good, or maintaining and exercising personal freedom and compassion, especially in hostile environments, then those who are not actively against them are for them.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

* All they that take the sword shall perish with the sword.
** Matthew 26:52 (KJV)
** This also is referenced by the author of ''Revelation'' 13:10: He that killeth with the sword must be killed with the sword. Here is the patience and the faith of the saints.
** Proverbial variants (unsourced translations): He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword. &lt;br /&gt; They who live by the sword shall die by the sword.

== [[w:Gnostic Gospels|Gnostic Gospels]] ==
:&lt;small&gt;The term gnostic gospels (pronunciation: naws-tik) refers to gnostic collections of writings or teachings of Jesus. These gospels did not become part of the standard Biblical canon, and are part of what is called New Testament apocrypha. &lt;/small&gt;

=== [[Gospel of Thomas]] (c. 2nd century AD manuscript)===
{{main|Gospel of Thomas}}
[[File:Grunewald - christ.jpg|thumb|The [[Kingdom of God|Kingdom]] is inside of you, and it is outside of you. When you come to [[know]] [[yourselves]], then you will become known, and you will [[realize]] that it is you who are the [[sons]] of the [[living]] Father. But if you will not know yourselves, you dwell in [[poverty]] and it is you who are that poverty.]]
:&lt;small&gt;''The Gospel of Thomas'' or ''Evangelion Thomas'' (Good Message of Thomas), unlike the four canonical gospels, contains very little narrative, and is mostly a list of statements that Yeshua is said to have made. It should be noted that this work was never accepted as [[w:Biblical canon|canonical]], and debate continues whether it was most likely written before or after the gospels that did become canonical. The number at the end of any quotation in this section refers to the generally accepted number of the saying. &lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Friedrich Kreuz im Wald.jpg |thumb|You [[read]] the [[face]] of the [[sky]] and of the [[earth]], but you have not [[recognized]] [[the one]] who is before you, and you do not know how to read this [[moment]].]]

* ''' Whoever shall find the interpretation of these words shall not taste of death.''' (1)
** I have not a devil; but I honour my Father, and ye do dishonour me. And I seek not mine own glory: there is one that seeketh and judgeth. Verily, verily, I say unto you, If a man keep my saying, he shall never see death. (''John'' 8:49–51)

* '''Let him who seeks continue seeking until he finds.''' When he finds, he will become troubled. When he becomes troubled, he will be astonished, and he will rule over [[the All]]. (2)

* If those who lead you say, 'See, the [[Kingdom of God|Kingdom]] is in the [[sky]],' then the [[birds]] of the sky will precede you. If they say to you, 'It is in the [[sea]],' then the [[fish]] will precede you. '''Rather, the Kingdom is inside of you, and it is outside of you. When you come to [[know]] [[yourselves]], then you will become known, and you will realize that it is you who are the sons of the living Father. But if you will not know yourselves, you dwell in [[poverty]] and it is you who are that poverty.''' (3)
** And when he was demanded of the Pharisees, when the kingdom of God should come, he answered them and said, '''The kingdom of God cometh not with observation: Neither shall they say, Lo here! or, lo there! for, behold, the kingdom of God is within you.''' (Luke 17:21)

* '''The man old in days will not hesitate to ask a small child seven days old about the place of [[life]], and he will live. For many who are first will become last, and they will become one and the same.''' (4)

* Recognize what is in your [[sight]], and that which is hidden from you will become plain to you. '''For there is [[nothing]] hidden which will not become manifest.''' (5)

* '''Do not tell [[lies]], and do not do what you [[hate]], for all things are plain in the sight of [[Heaven]]. For nothing hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain without being uncovered.''' (6)

* Blessed is the lion which becomes man when consumed by man; and cursed is the man whom the lion consumes, and the lion becomes man. (7)
** This saying has been interpreted by some as refering to such anger as consumes a man…(rather than is consumed by him, through his reason and love), 'til that man ''is'' the lion of Anger. Other more mystical interpretations might also be found or devised that have merit.

* The Kingdom is like a wise fisherman who cast his net into the sea and drew it up from the sea full of small fish. Among them the wise fisherman found a fine large fish. He threw all the small fish back into the sea and chose the large fish without difficulty. Whoever has ears to hear, let him hear. (8)

* Now the sower went out, took a handful (of seeds), and scattered them. Some fell on the road; the birds came and gathered them up. Others fell on the rock, did not take root in the soil, and did not produce ears. And others fell on thorns; they choked the seed and worms ate them. And others fell on the good soil and produced good fruit: it bore sixty per measure and a hundred and twenty per measure. (9)
** He spake many things unto them in parables, saying, Behold, a sower went forth to sow; And when he sowed, some seeds fell by the way side, and the fowls came and devoured them up: Some fell upon stony places, where they had not much earth: and forthwith they sprung up, because they had no deepness of earth: And when the sun was up, they were scorched; and because they had no root, they withered away. And some fell among thorns; and the thorns sprung up, and choked them: But other fell into good ground, and brought forth fruit, some an hundredfold, some sixtyfold, some thirtyfold. Who hath ears to hear, let him hear. (Matthew 13:3–9)
**see also: Mk4:3–8, Lk8:5–8

* '''I have cast fire upon the world, and see, I am guarding it until it blazes.''' (10)

* '''This heaven will pass away, and the one above it will pass away. The dead are not alive, and the living will not die.''' In the days when you consumed what is dead, you made it what is alive. When you come to dwell in the light, what will you do? On the day when you were one you became two. But when you become two, what will you do? (11)

* Jesus said to His disciples, &quot;Compare me to someone and tell Me whom I am like.&quot; Simon Peter said to Him, &quot;You are like a righteous angel.&quot; Matthew said to Him, &quot;You are like a wise philosopher.&quot; Thomas said to Him, &quot;'''Master, my mouth is wholly incapable of saying whom You are like.'''&quot; &lt;br /&gt; Jesus said, &quot;I am not your master. Because you have drunk, you have become intoxicated by the bubbling spring which I have measured out.&quot; And He took him and withdrew and told him three things. When Thomas returned to his companions, they asked him, &quot;What did Jesus say to you?&quot; Thomas said to them, &quot;If I tell you one of the things which he told me, you will pick up stones and throw them at me; a fire will come out of the stones and burn you up.&quot;(13)

* If you fast, you will give rise to sin for yourselves; and if you pray, you will be condemned; and if you give alms, you will do harm to your spirits. When you go into any land and walk about in the districts, if they receive you, eat what they will set before you, and heal the sick among them. For what goes into your mouth will not defile you, but that which issues from your mouth&amp;mdash;it is that which will defile you. (14)

* If the flesh came into being because of spirit, it is a wonder. But if spirit came into being because of the body, it is a wonder of wonders. Indeed, I am amazed at how this great wealth has made its home in this poverty. (29)

* '''Whoever blasphemes against the Father will be forgiven, and whoever blasphemes against the Son will be forgiven, but whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven either on earth or in heaven'''. (44)

*I disclose my mysteries to those who are worthy of my mysteries. (62)

*I will destroy this house, and no one will be able to build it....(71)

*Adam came from great power and great wealth, but he was not worthy of you. For had he been worthy, [he would] not [have tasted] death. (85)

*[Foxes have] their dens and birds have their nests, but human beings have no place to lay down and rest. (86)

* '''You read the [[face]] of the [[sky]] and of the [[earth]], but you have not recognized the one who is before you, and you do not know how to read this [[moment]].''' (91)

*One who seeks will find, and for [one who knocks] it will be opened (94)

*If you have money, don't lend it at interest. Rather, give [it] to someone from whom you won't get it back.&quot; (95)

*When you make the two into one, you will become children of Adam, and when you say, 'Mountain, move from here!' it will move (106)

*Whoever drinks from my mouth will become like me; I myself shall become that person, and the hidden things will be revealed to him. (108)

* His disciples said to Him, &quot;When will the Kingdom come?&quot; &lt;br /&gt; Jesus said, &quot;'''It will not come by waiting for it. It will not be a matter of saying 'Here it is' or 'There it is.' Rather, the Kingdom of the Father is spread out upon the earth, and men do not see it.'''&quot; (113)

* Simon Peter said to Him, &quot;Let Mary leave us, for women are not worthy of Life.&quot; Jesus said, &quot;I myself shall lead her in order to make her male, so that she too may become a living spirit resembling you males. For every woman who will make herself male will enter the Kingdom of Heaven.&quot; (114)

====Second Infancy Gospel of Jesus/[[w:Infancy Gospel of Thomas|The Infancy Gospel of Thomas]]====

* I, Thomas, an Israelite, judged it necessary to make known to our brethren among the Gentiles, the actions and miracles of Christ in his childhood, which our Lord and God Jesus Christ wrought after his birth in Bethlehem in our country, at which I myself was astonished; the beginning of which was as follows. When the child Jesus was five years of age and there had been a shower of rain that was now over, Jesus was playing with other Hebrew boys by a running stream, and the waters ran over the banks and stood in little lakes; But the water instantly became clear and useful again; they readily obeyed him after he touched them only by his word. Then he took from the bank of the stream some soft clay and formed out of it twelve sparrows; and there were other boys playing with him. But a certain Jew seeing the things which he was doing, namely, his forming clay into the figures of sparrows on the Sabbath day, went presently away and told his father Joseph, 6. Behold, your boy is playing by the river side, and has taken clay and formed it into twelve sparrows, and profanes the Sabbath. Then Joseph came to the place where he was, and when he saw him, called to him, and said, Why do you that which is not lawful to do on the Sabbath day? Then Jesus clapping together the palms of his hands, called to the sparrows, and said to them: Go, fly away; and while you live remember me. So the sparrows fled away, making a noise. The Jews seeing this, were astonished and went away and told their chief persons what a strange miracle they had seen wrought by Jesus.
** [http://ministries.tliquest.net/theology/apocryphas/nt/infancy2.htm &quot;Second Infancy Gospel of Jesus Christ&quot;], Chapter 1, 1-10, 140 CE.

=== [[w:Gospel of Judas|Gospel of Judas]] ===

* [Jesus laughs as he watches his disciples offering a prayer to God before Passover.]&lt;br/&gt; Disciples: Why are you laughing at us?&lt;br/&gt; Jesus says that he is laughing not at them but at their strange idea of pleasing their God.
** Jesus to his disciples from the [[w:Gospel_of_Judas|Judas]]. See &quot;[http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2006/04/17/060417crbo_books Jesus Laughed]&quot; and &quot;[http://www.slate.com/id/2139781/ Judas Saves: Why the lost gospel makes sense]&quot;.

* You will exceed all of them. For you will sacrifice the man that clothes me.
** Jesus to Judas, [[w:Gospel_of_Judas|Judas]]

* Judas: I know who you are and where you have come from. You are from the immortal realm of [[w:Barbelo|Barbelo]].&lt;br/&gt; Jesus: Step away from the others and I shall tell you the mysteries of the Kingdom.
** Exchange between Judas and Jesus from the [[w:Gospel_of_Judas|Judas]]. See &quot;[http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2006/04/17/060417crbo_books Jesus Laughed]&quot; and &quot;[http://www.slate.com/id/2139781/ Judas Saves: Why the lost gospel makes sense]&quot;.

* Only Judas has guessed the master aright—and has discerned that he comes from the heavenly realm of the god &quot;[[w:Barbelo|Barbelo]].&quot; In the realm of Barbelo, it seems, earthly pains are unknown and the fortunate inhabitants are free from the attentions of the God of the Old Testament. Jesus himself is descended in some fashion from Adam's third son, Seth. With Judas' help, he hopes to guide the seed of Seth back to the realm of Barbelo.
** A paraphrasing of Jesus' statements in the [[w:Gospel_of_Judas|Judas]] from &quot;[http://www.slate.com/id/2139781/ Judas Saves: Why the lost gospel makes sense]&quot;. See also &quot;[http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2006/04/17/060417crbo_books Jesus Laughed]&quot;.

* [O]ut beyond the stars, there exists a divine, blessed realm, free of the materiality of this earthly one. This is the realm of [[w:Barbelo|Barbelo]], a name that gnostics gave the celestial Mother, who lives there with, among others, her progeny, a good God awkwardly called the Self-Generated One. Jesus, it turns out, is not the son of the Old Testament God, whose retinue includes a rebellious creator known as [[w:Yaldabaoth|Yaldabaoth]], but an avatar of Adam’s third son, Seth. His mission is to show those lucky members of mankind who still have a “Sethian” spark the way back to the blessed realm. Jesus, we learn, was laughing at the disciples’ prayer because it was directed at their God, the Old Testament God, who is really no friend of mankind but, rather, the cause of its suffering.
** A paraphrasing of Jesus' statements in the [[w:Gospel_of_Judas|Judas]] from &quot;[http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2006/04/17/060417crbo_books Jesus Laughed]&quot;. See also &quot;[http://www.slate.com/id/2139781/ Judas Saves: Why the lost gospel makes sense]&quot;.

* Judas: I saw myself as the twelve disciples were [[stoning]] me.&lt;br/&gt; Jesus: You will be cursed by the other generations … you will come to rule over them.
** Exchange between Judas and Jesus from the [[w:Gospel_of_Judas|Judas]]. See &quot;[http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2006/04/17/060417crbo_books Jesus Laughed]&quot; and &quot;[http://www.slate.com/id/2139781/ Judas Saves: Why the lost gospel makes sense]&quot;.

* Lift up your eyes and look at the cloud and the light within it and the stars surrounding it. The star that leads the way is your star.
** Jesus to Judas, [[w:Gospel_of_Judas|Judas]]. See &quot;[http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2006/04/17/060417crbo_books Jesus Laughed]&quot; and &quot;[http://www.slate.com/id/2139781/ Judas Saves: Why the lost gospel makes sense]&quot;.

=== [[Berlin Codex]] ===
==== [[Gospel of Mary]] ====
:&lt;small&gt;[http://www.gnosis.org/library/marygosp.htm Text online]&lt;/small&gt;

* '''[[All]] [[natures]], all formed things, all [[creatures]] [[exist]] in and with one another and will again be resolved into their own roots, because the nature of matter is dissolved into the roots of its nature alone. He who has ears to hear, let him hear.'''

* There is no [[sin]], but it is you who make sin when you do the things that are like the nature of [[adultery]], which is called sin.&lt;br&gt;That is why the [[Good]] came into your midst, to the [[essence]] of every nature in order to restore it to its root.&lt;br&gt;Then He continued and said, That is why you become [[sick]] and [[die]], for you are deprived of [[the one]] who can [[heal]] you.
** Chapter 4, in response to a question by Peter: &quot;Since you have now explained all things to us, tell us this: what is the sin of the world?&quot;
** Adultery is also translated as &quot;fornication&quot;. [http://www.sacred-texts.com/chr/apo/marym.htm]

* Matter gave [[birth]] to a [[passion]] that has no equal, which proceeded from something contrary to nature. Then there arises a disturbance in its whole body.
** Chapter 4.

* Be of good courage, and if you are discouraged, still take courage over against the various forms of nature. He who has ears to hear, let him hear.
** Chapter 4.

* '''Peace be with you. Receive my peace unto yourselves. Beware that no one lead you astray saying Lo here or lo there! For the Son of Man is within you.''' Follow after Him! Those who seek Him will find Him. Go then and preach the gospel of the Kingdom. '''Do not lay down any rules beyond what I appointed you, and do not give a law like the lawgiver lest you be constrained by it.'''
**Chapter 4.
** Peace be with you. Receive my peace for yourselves. Take heed lest anyone lead you astray with the words, 'Lo, here!' or 'Lo, there!' for the Son of Man is within you. Follow him; those who seek him will find him. Go, therefore, and preach the Gospel of the Kingdom. I have left no commandment but what I have commanded you, and I have given you no law, as the lawgiver did, lest you be bound by it.
** Variant translation. [http://www.sacred-texts.com/chr/apo/marym.htm]

==[[w:New Testament apocrypha|Apocrypha]]==

=== First Infancy Gospel of Jesus Christ/[[w:Syriac Infancy Gospel|The Arabic Gospel of the Infancy of the Saviour]] ===
* And when the Lord Jesus was seven years of age, he was on a certain day with other boys his companions about the same age. Who at play made clay into several shapes, namely, asses, oxen, birds, and other figures. Each boasting of his work and endeavoring to exceed the rest. Then the Lord Jesus said to the boys, I will command these figures which I have made to walk. And immediately they moved, and when he commanded them to return, they returned. He had also made the figures of birds and sparrows, which, when he commanded to fly, did fly, and when he commanded to stand still, did stand still; and if he gave them meat and drink, they did eat and drink. When at length the boys went away and related these things to their parents, their fathers said to them, Take heed, children, for the future, of his company, for he is a sorcerer; shun and avoid him, and from now on never play with him.
** [http://ministries.tliquest.net/theology/apocryphas/nt/infancy1.htm &quot;The First Gospel of the Infancy of Jesus Christ&quot;], Chapter 15, 1-7, 400 CE.

=== [[w:Gospel of Pseudo-Matthew|Gospel of Pseudo-Matthew]] ===

* And it came to pass on the third day of their journey, while they were walking, that the blessed Mary was fatigued by the excessive heat of the sun in the desert; and seeing a palm tree, she said to Joseph: Let me rest a little under the shade of this tree. Joseph therefore made haste, and led her to the palm, and made her come down from her beast. And as the blessed Mary was sitting there, she looked up to the foliage of the palm, and saw it full of fruit, and said to Joseph: I wish it were possible to get some of the fruit of this palm. And Joseph said to her: I wonder that thou sayest this, when thou seest how high the palm tree is; and that thou thinkest of eating of its fruit. I am thinking more of the want of water, because the skins are now empty, and we have none wherewith to refresh ourselves and our cattle. Then the child Jesus, with a joyful countenance, reposing in the bosom of His mother, said to the palm: O tree, bend thy branches, and refresh my mother with thy fruit. And immediately at these words the palm bent its top down to the very feet of the blessed Mary; and they gathered from it fruit, with which they were all refreshed. And after they had gathered all its fruit, it remained bent down, waiting the order to rise from Him who had commanded it to stoop. Then Jesus said to it: Raise thyself, O palm tree, and be strong, and be the companion of my trees, which are in the paradise of my Father; and open from thy roots a vein of water which has been hid in the earth, and let the waters flow, so that we may be satisfied from thee. And it rose up immediately, and at its root there began to come forth a spring of water exceedingly clear and cool and sparkling. And when they saw the spring of water, they rejoiced with great joy, and were satisfied, themselves and all their cattle and their beasts. Wherefore they gave thanks to God.
** &quot;The Gospel of Pseudo-Matthew&quot; Chapter 20, (8th-9th century CE)

==[[w:Gospel of Barnabas|Gospel of Barnabas]] (c. 16th century AD manuscript) ==
[[File:Jesus ascends to heaven.jpg|thumb|Cursed be every one who shall insert into my sayings that I am the son of God. ~ Jesus in [[w:Gospel of Barnabas|Gospel of Barnabas]]]]

* All which a man loves, for which he leaves everything else but that, is his god, thus the glutton and drunkard has for his idol his own flesh, the fornicator has for his idol the harlot and the greedy has for his idol silver and gold, and so the same for every other sinner.
** Ch. 33

* And having said this, Jesus smote his face with both his hands, and then smote the ground with his head. And having raised his head, he said: &quot;'''Cursed be every one who shall insert into my sayings that I am the son of God.'''&quot; At these words the disciples fell down as dead, whereupon Jesus lifted them up, saying: 'Let us fear God now, if we would not be affrighted in that day.'
** Ch. 53

* Jesus answered: &quot;As God lives, in whose presence my soul stands, I am not the Messiah whom all the tribes of the earth expect, even as God promised to our father Abraham, saying: &quot;In your seed will I bless all the tribes of the earth.&quot; But '''when God shall take me away from the world, Satan will raise again this accursed sedition, by making the impious believe that I am God and son of God, whence my words and my doctrine shall be contaminated''', insomuch that scarcely shall there remain thirty faithful ones: whereupon God will have mercy upon the world&quot;
** Ch. 97

[[File:Bécs 010 (4282133536).jpg|thumb|All which a man loves, for which he leaves everything else but that, is his god. ]]
* Jesus answered: &quot;Believe me, Barnabas that I cannot weep as much as I ought. For if men had not called me God, I should have seen God here as he will be seen in paradise, and should have been safe not to fear the day of judgment. But God knows that I am innocent, because never have I harboured thought to be held more than a poor slave. No, '''I tell you that if I had not been called God I should have been carried into paradise when I shall depart from the world, whereas now I shall not go thither until the judgment.''' Now you see if I have cause to weep.&quot;
** Ch. 112

* And '''though I have been innocent in the world, since men have called me &quot;God,&quot; and &quot;Son of God,&quot; God, in order that I be not mocked of the demons on the day of judgment, has willed that I be mocked of men in this world by the death of Judas;, making all men to believe that I died upon the cross'''.
** Ch. 220

==The Book of Mormon and LDS Scripture==

===The Book of Mormon (1830)===
:&lt;small&gt;This section contains quotes by Jesus that occur in the ''[[w:Book of Mormon|Book of Mormon]]'' and ''[[w:LDS|Mormon]] Scriptures''&lt;/small&gt;

* Behold, I am Jesus Christ. I am the Father and the Son.
** ''[[s:Book of Mormon|The Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Ether|Ether]] [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Ether#Chapter_Three|3:14]]. Jesus is both the Father ''and'' the Son.

* Behold, that great city Zarahemla have I burned with fire, and the inhabitants thereof.&lt;br/&gt; And behold, that great city Moroni have I caused to be sunk in the depths of the sea, and the inhabitants thereof to be drowned.&lt;br/&gt; And behold, that great city Moronihah have I covered with earth, …&lt;br/&gt; And behold, the city of Gilgal have I caused to be sunk, and the inhabitants thereof to be buried up in the depths of the earth;&lt;br/&gt; Yea, and the city of Onihah and the inhabitants thereof, and the city of Mocum and the inhabitants thereof, and the city of Jerusalem and the inhabitants thereof; and waters have I caused to come up in the stead thereof, to hide their wickedness and abominations from before my face, …&lt;br/&gt; And behold, the city of Gadiandi, and the city of Gadiomnah, and the city of Jacob, and the city of Gimgimno, all these have I caused to be sunk, …&lt;br/&gt; that great city Jacobugath, which was inhabited by the people of king Jacob, have I caused to be burned with fire …&lt;br/&gt; the city of Laman, and the city of Josh, and the city of Gad, and the city of Kishkumen, have I caused to be burned with fire, and the inhabitants thereof, because of their wickedness in casting out the prophets, and stoning those whom I did send to declare unto them concerning their wickedness and their abominations.&lt;br/&gt; And because they did cast them all out, that there were none righteous among them, I did send down fire and destroy them, …&lt;br/&gt; And many great destructions have I caused to come upon this land, and upon this people, …&lt;br/&gt; Behold, I am Jesus Christ the Son of God.
** ''[[s:Book of Mormon|The Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book_of_Mormon/3_Nephi|3 Nephi]] [[s:Book_of_Mormon/3_Nephi#Chapter_Nine|9:3–15]]

* Behold I have given unto you my gospel, and this is the gospel which I have given unto you—that I came into the world to do the will of my Father, because my Father sent me. And my Father sent me that I might be lifted up upon the cross; and after that I had been lifted up upon the cross, that I might draw all men unto me, that as I have been lifted up by men even so should men be lifted up by the Father, to stand before me, to be judged of their works, whether they be good or whether they be evil— And for this cause have I been lifted up; therefore, according to the power of the Father I will draw all men unto me, that they may be judged according to their works. And it shall come to pass, that whoso repenteth and is baptized in my name shall be filled; and if he endureth to the end, behold, him will I hold guiltless before my Father at that day when I shall stand to judge the world. And he that endureth not unto the end, the same is he that is also hewn down and cast into the fire, from whence they can no more return, because of the justice of the Father. And this is the word which he hath given unto the children of men. And for this cause he fulfilleth the words which he hath given, and he lieth not, but fulfilleth all his words. And no unclean thing can enter into his kingdom; therefore nothing entereth into his rest save it be those who have washed their garments in my blood, because of their faith, and the repentance of all their sins, and their faithfulness unto the end.
** ''[[s:Book of Mormon|The Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book_of_Mormon/3_Nephi|3 Nephi]] [[s:Book_of_Mormon/3_Nephi#Chapter_Twenty-seven|27:13–19]]. In the Book of Mormon, Jesus Christ gave a specific definition of ''the gospel''.

===Doctrine and Covenants===
* I was in the beginning with the Father, and am the Firstborn[.]
** [[w:Jesus|Jesus]], ''[[w:Doctrine and Covenants|Doctrine and Covenants]]'', [[s:The_Doctrine_and_Covenants/Section_93|93:21]]

* Verily, thus saith the Lord unto you my servant [[w:Joseph Smith, Jr.|Joseph]], that inasmuch as you have inquired of my hand to know and understand wherein I, the Lord, justified my servants Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, as also Moses, David and Solomon, my servants, as touching '''the principle and doctrine of their having many wives and concubines—'''&lt;br/&gt; Behold, and lo, I am the Lord thy God, and will answer thee as touching this matter.&lt;br/&gt; Therefore, prepare thy heart to receive and obey the instructions which I am about to give unto you; for all those who have this law revealed unto them must obey the same.&lt;br/&gt; For behold, '''I reveal unto you a new and an everlasting covenant; and if ye abide not that covenant, then are ye damned; for no one can reject this covenant and be permitted to enter into my glory.''' …&lt;br/&gt; if a man marry a wife by my word, which is my law, and by the new and everlasting covenant, and it is sealed unto them by the Holy Spirit of promise, by him who is anointed, unto whom I have appointed this power and the keys of this priesthood …&lt;br/&gt; Then shall ''they be gods'', because they have no end …&lt;br/&gt; to know the only wise and true God, and '''[[w:Jesus Christ|Jesus Christ]], whom he hath sent. I am he. Receive ye, therefore, my law.''' …&lt;br/&gt; God commanded Abraham, and Sarah gave Hagar to Abraham to wife. And why did she do it? Because this was the law; and from Hagar sprang many people. This, therefore, was fulfilling, among other things, the promises. …&lt;br/&gt; Was Abraham, therefore, under condemnation? Verily I say unto you, Nay; for I, the Lord, commanded it. …&lt;br/&gt; Abraham received concubines, and they bore him children; and it was accounted unto him for righteousness, because they were given unto him, and he abode in my law; as Isaac also and Jacob did none other things than that which they were commanded; and because they did none other things than that which they were commanded, they have entered into their exaltation, according to the promises, and sit upon thrones, and are not angels but are gods.&lt;br/&gt; David also received ''many wives and concubines'', and also Solomon and Moses my servants, as also many others of my servants, from the beginning of creation until this time; and in nothing did they sin save in those things which they received not of me. …&lt;br/&gt; David's ''wives and concubines'' were given unto him of me …&lt;br/&gt; And let mine handmaid, [[w:Emma Smith|Emma Smith]], receive all those that have been given unto my servant [[w:Joseph Smith, Jr.|Joseph]] …&lt;br/&gt; Let no one, therefore, set on my servant [[w:Joseph Smith, Jr.|Joseph]]; for I will justify him …&lt;br/&gt; as pertaining to the law of the priesthood—'''if any man espouse a virgin, and desire to espouse another, and the first give her consent, and if he espouse the second, and they are virgins, and have vowed to no other man, then is he justified; he cannot commit adultery for they are given unto him; for he cannot commit adultery with that that belongeth unto him and to no one else.'''&lt;br/&gt; '''And if he have ten virgins given unto him by this law, he cannot commit adultery, for they belong to him, and they are given unto him; therefore is he justified.''' …&lt;br/&gt; [T]hen shall she believe and administer unto him, or she shall be destroyed, saith the Lord your God; for I will destroy her; … if she receive not this law … she then becomes the transgressor; and he is exempt[.]
** [[w:Jesus Christ|Jesus Christ]], speaking through [[w:Joseph Smith, Jr.|Joseph Smith]]'s 12 July [[w:1843 polygamy revelation|1843 polygamy revelation]] on [[w:plural marriage|plural marriage]] and His demand that [[w:Emma Smith|Emma Smith]], the first wife, accept all of [[w:Joseph Smith, Jr.|Joseph Smith]]'s plural wives; ''[[w:Doctrine and Covenants|Doctrine and Covenants]]'', [[s:The_Doctrine_and_Covenants/Section_132|132:1–4, 19, 20, 24, 34, 35, 38, 39, 52, 60–66]].

== Quotes about Jesus ==
[[File:Christianity-Jesus Christ Died for your Sin.jpg|thumb|If the church ... does not make God's liberation of the oppressed central in its mission and proclamation, how can it rest easy with a condemned criminal as the dominant symbol of its message? ~ [[James Cone]]]]
[[File:Mona Haydar and James Hal Cone.jpg|thumb|By becoming poor and entrusting divine revelation to a carpenter from Nazareth, God makes clear where one has to be in order to hear the divine word and experience divine presence. ~ [[James Cone]]]]
[[File:Empress_Zoe_mosaic_Hagia_Sophia.jpg|thumb|In Jesus, God wills to be true God not only in the height but also in the depth — in the depth of human creatureliness, sinfulness and mortality. ~ [[Karl Barth]] ]]
[[File:Rembrandt Jesus and his Disciples.jpg|thumb|As to Jesus of Nazareth, my Opinion of whom you particularly desire, I think the System of Morals and his Religion, as he left them to us, the best the world ever saw or is likely to see; but I apprehend it has received various corrupt changes... ~ [[Benjamin Franklin]] ]]
[[File:A place of worship (2444233066).jpg|thumb|The sublime title &quot;[[wikt:Χριστός|Christ]]&quot; is an adjective which only receives its specific value from the specificity of the noun, Jesus of Nazareth. If Jesus is forgotten, then it becomes possible to fill the adjective with whatever suits at the time, without checking whether Jesus was like that or not, or whether this means leaving the world sunk in its wretchedness or not; or worse still, without asking if this image legitimates the tragedy of the world or brings liberation from it. ~ [[Jon Sobrino]]]]
&lt;small&gt;''Sorted by historical period and date, with sections for quotes from major religious works.''&lt;/small&gt;

=== [[New Testament]] ===
* ὁ λέγων ἐν αὐτῷ μένειν ὀφείλει καθὼς ἐκεῖνος περιεπάτησεν καὶ αὐτὸς οὕτως περιπατεῖν.
** Whoever claims to live in him must live as Jesus did.
*** [[First Epistle of John|1 John]] 2:6 [[New International Version|NIV]]

* For, indeed, while we were still weak, Christ died for ungodly men at the appointed time. For hardly would anyone die for a righteous man; though perhaps for a good man someone may dare to die. But God recommends his own love to us in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.
** [[Paul of Tarsus]], [[Romans]], 5:6-8; New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures (2013 Revision)

====He rose again the third day, 1 Corinthians 15:4====
* After the Sabbath, at dawn on the first day of the week, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went to look at the tomb. There was a violent earthquake, for an angel of the Lord came down from heaven and, going to the tomb, rolled back the stone and sat on it.
* On the first day of the week came Mary Magdalene early, when it was yet dark, unto the sepulcher and saw the stone taken away from the sepulcher.
** ''[[w:The Bible|The Bible]]'' on the discovery of Jesus' absence from the tomb, [[w:Gospel of Matthew|Matthew]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2028:1-2;&amp;version=31; 28:1–2]'s account of the discovery of the tomb (two Mary's arrive at the tomb after sunrise, but before the stone had been removed) versus [[w:Gospel of John|John]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John%2020:1;&amp;version=48; 20:1]'s account (one Mary arrives at the tomb before sunrise, but after the stone had been removed).

* So the women hurried away from the tomb, afraid yet filled with joy, and ran to tell his disciples. Suddenly Jesus met them. &quot;Greetings,&quot; he said. They came to him, clasped his feet and worshiped him.
* Jesus said unto her, &quot;Touch Me not, for I am not yet ascended to My Father …&quot;
** ''[[w:The Bible|The Bible]]'' on the location and events of the resurrected Jesus' first appearance, [[w:Gospel of Matthew|Matthew]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2028:8-9;&amp;version=31; 28:8–9]'s account of the appearance of the resurrected Jesus (Jesus appears away from that tomb, and the Mary's touch his feet; see also [[w:Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%2024:13-15;&amp;version=31; 24:13–15] in which Jesus appears on the road to [[w:Emmaus|Emmaus]], seven miles from [[w:Jerusalem|Jerusalem]]) versus [[w:Gospel of John|John]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John%2020:11-17;&amp;version=48; 20:17]'s account (Jesus appears at the tomb and tells Mary not to touch him).

&lt;table border=&quot;1&quot;&gt;
&lt;tr&gt;
&lt;th colspan=&quot;4&quot;&gt;Holy Bible – the first Easter Sunday morning&lt;/th&gt;
&lt;/tr&gt;
&lt;tr&gt;&lt;td colspan=&quot;4&quot;&gt;&lt;ul&gt;
&lt;li&gt;Regarding The Evidence for the Resurrection, please see [[#AndersonJND1950|Anderson 1950, below]].&lt;/li&gt;
&lt;li&gt;For &quot;Easter Enigma – Are the Resurrection Accounts in Conflict?&quot;, please see [[#WenhamJW2005|Wenham 2005, below]].&lt;/li&gt;
&lt;li&gt;The table lists all the verses, according to the KJV, always in verse order.&lt;/li&gt;
&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/td&gt;&lt;/tr&gt;
&lt;tr&gt;
&lt;th&gt;Matthew&lt;/th&gt;
&lt;th&gt;Mark&lt;/th&gt;
&lt;th&gt;Luke&lt;/th&gt;
&lt;th&gt;John&lt;/th&gt;
&lt;/tr&gt;
&lt;tr&gt;&lt;td&gt;&lt;p&gt;Mt ch28&lt;/p&gt;
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:1&quot;&gt;1&lt;/span&gt; In the end of the sabbath, as it began to dawn toward the first day of the week, came [&quot;went&quot; (NIV)] Mary Magdalene and the other Mary to see the sepulchre.&lt;/p&gt;
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Mk ch16
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mk 16:1&quot;&gt;1&lt;/span&gt; And when the sabbath was past, Mary Magdalene, and Mary the mother of James, and Salome, had bought sweet spices, that they might come and anoint him.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mk 16:2&quot;&gt;2&lt;/span&gt; And very early in the morning the first day of the week, they came [&quot;were on their way&quot; (NIV)] unto the sepulchre at the rising of the sun.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mk 16:3&quot;&gt;3&lt;/span&gt; And they said among themselves, Who shall roll us away the stone from the door of the sepulchre?
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Lk ch24
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Lk 24:1&quot;&gt;1&lt;/span&gt; Now upon the first day of the week, very early in the morning, they came [&quot;went&quot; (NIV)] unto the sepulchre, bringing the spices which they had prepared, and certain others with them.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Jn ch20
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:1&quot;&gt;1&lt;/span&gt; The first day of the week cometh [&quot;went&quot; (NKJV, NIV, Wenham 2005 pp81f)] Mary Magdalene early, when it was yet dark, unto the sepulchre,
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;/tr&gt;

&lt;tr&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Mt ch28
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:2&quot;&gt;2&lt;/span&gt; And, behold, there was [&quot;had been&quot; (KJV margin, Wenham 2005 p78)] a great earthquake: for the angel of the Lord [&quot;had&quot; (Wenham 2005 p78)] descended from heaven, and came [&quot;had come&quot; (Wenham 2005 p78)] and rolled back the stone from the door, and sat upon it.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:3&quot;&gt;3&lt;/span&gt; His countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow:
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:4&quot;&gt;4&lt;/span&gt; And for fear of him the keepers did shake, and became [&quot;had trembled and become&quot; (Wenham 2005 p78)] as dead men.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;/tr&gt;

&lt;tr&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Mk ch16
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mk 16:4&quot;&gt;4&lt;/span&gt; And when they looked, they saw that the stone was rolled away: for it was very great.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Lk ch24
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Lk 24:2&quot;&gt;2&lt;/span&gt; And they found the stone rolled away from the sepulchre.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Jn ch20
&lt;p&gt;and seeth the stone taken away from the sepulchre.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:2&quot;&gt;2&lt;/span&gt; Then she runneth, and cometh to Simon Peter, and to the other disciple, whom Jesus loved, and saith unto them, They have taken away the Lord out of the sepulchre, and we know not where they have laid him.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;/tr&gt;

&lt;tr&gt;&lt;td colspan=&quot;4&quot;&gt;&lt;ul&gt;.


&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/td&gt;&lt;/tr&gt;

&lt;tr&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Mt ch28
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:5&quot;&gt;5&lt;/span&gt; And the angel answered and said unto the women, Fear not ye: for I know that ye seek Jesus, which was crucified.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:6&quot;&gt;6&lt;/span&gt; He is not here: for he is risen, as he said. Come, see the place where the Lord lay.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:7&quot;&gt;7&lt;/span&gt; And go quickly, and tell his disciples that he is risen from the dead; and, behold, he goeth before you into Galilee; there shall ye see him: lo, I have told you.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:8&quot;&gt;8&lt;/span&gt; And they departed quickly from the sepulchre with fear and great joy; and did run to bring his disciples word.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Mk ch16
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mk 16:5&quot;&gt;5&lt;/span&gt; And entering into the sepulchre, they saw a young man sitting on the right side, clothed in a long white garment; and they were affrighted.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mk 16:6&quot;&gt;6&lt;/span&gt; And he saith unto them, Be not affrighted: Ye seek Jesus of Nazareth, which was crucified: he is risen; he is not here: behold the place where they laid him.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mk 16:7&quot;&gt;7&lt;/span&gt; But go your way, tell his disciples and Peter that he goeth before you into Galilee: there shall ye see him, as he said unto you.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mk 16:8&quot;&gt;8&lt;/span&gt; And they went out quickly, and fled from the sepulchre; for they trembled and were amazed: neither said they any thing to any man; for they were afraid.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Lk ch24
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Lk 24:3&quot;&gt;3&lt;/span&gt; And they entered in, and found not the body of the Lord Jesus.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Lk 24:4&quot;&gt;4&lt;/span&gt; And it came to pass, as they were much perplexed thereabout, behold, two men [&quot;angels&quot; (Luke 24:23)] stood by [&quot;[or] appear[ed] to&quot; (Wenham 2005 p85)] them in shining garments:
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Lk 24:5&quot;&gt;5&lt;/span&gt; And as they were afraid, and bowed down their faces to the earth, they said unto them, Why seek ye the living among the dead?
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Lk 24:6&quot;&gt;6&lt;/span&gt; He is not here, but is risen: remember how he spake unto you when he was yet in Galilee,
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Lk 24:7&quot;&gt;7&lt;/span&gt; Saying, The Son of man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men, and be crucified, and the third day rise again.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Lk 24:8&quot;&gt;8&lt;/span&gt; And they remembered his words,
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;/tr&gt;

&lt;tr&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Jn ch20
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:3&quot;&gt;3&lt;/span&gt; Peter therefore went forth, and that other disciple, and came to the sepulchre.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:4&quot;&gt;4&lt;/span&gt; So they ran both together: and the other disciple did outrun Peter, and came first to the sepulchre.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:5&quot;&gt;5&lt;/span&gt; And he stooping down, and looking in, saw the linen clothes lying; yet went he not in.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:6&quot;&gt;6&lt;/span&gt; Then cometh Simon Peter following him, and went into the sepulchre, and seeth the linen clothes lie,
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:7&quot;&gt;7&lt;/span&gt; And the napkin, that was about his head, not lying with the linen clothes, but wrapped together in a place by itself.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:8&quot;&gt;8&lt;/span&gt; Then went in also that other disciple, which came first to the sepulchre, and he saw, and believed.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:9&quot;&gt;9&lt;/span&gt; For as yet they knew not the scripture, that he must rise again from the dead.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:10&quot;&gt;10&lt;/span&gt; Then the disciples went away again unto their own home.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;/tr&gt;

&lt;tr&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Mk ch16
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mk 16:9&quot;&gt;9&lt;/span&gt; Now when Jesus was risen early the first day of the week, he appeared first to Mary Magdalene, out of whom he had cast seven devils.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Jn ch20
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:11&quot;&gt;11&lt;/span&gt; But Mary stood without at the sepulchre weeping: and as she wept, she stooped down, and looked into the sepulchre,
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:12&quot;&gt;12&lt;/span&gt; And seeth two angels in white sitting, the one at the head, and the other at the feet, where the body of Jesus had lain.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:13&quot;&gt;13&lt;/span&gt; And they say unto her, Woman, why weepest thou? She saith unto them, Because they have taken away my Lord, and I know not where they have laid him.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:14&quot;&gt;14&lt;/span&gt; And when she had thus said, she turned herself back, and saw Jesus standing, and knew not that it was Jesus.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:15&quot;&gt;15&lt;/span&gt; Jesus saith unto her, Woman, why weepest thou? whom seekest thou? She, supposing him to be the gardener, saith unto him, Sir, if thou have borne him hence, tell me where thou hast laid him, and I will take him away.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:16&quot;&gt;16&lt;/span&gt; Jesus saith unto her, Mary. She turned herself, and saith unto him, Rabboni; which is to say, Master.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:17&quot;&gt;17&lt;/span&gt; Jesus saith unto her, Touch me not; for I am not yet ascended to my Father: but go to my brethren, and say unto them, I ascend unto my Father, and your Father; and to my God, and your God.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;/tr&gt;

&lt;tr&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Mt ch28
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:9&quot;&gt;9&lt;/span&gt; And as they went to tell his disciples, behold, Jesus met them, saying, All hail. And they came and held him by the feet, and worshipped him.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:10&quot;&gt;10&lt;/span&gt; Then said Jesus unto them, Be not afraid: go tell my brethren that they go into Galilee, and there shall they see me.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;/tr&gt;

&lt;tr&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Mk ch16
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mk 16:10&quot;&gt;10&lt;/span&gt; And she went and told them that had been with him, as they mourned and wept.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mk 16:11&quot;&gt;11&lt;/span&gt; And they, when they had heard that he was alive, and had been seen of her, believed not.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Lk ch24
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Lk 24:9&quot;&gt;9&lt;/span&gt; And returned from the sepulchre, and told all these things unto the eleven, and to all the rest.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Lk 24:10&quot;&gt;10&lt;/span&gt; It was Mary Magdalene and Joanna, and Mary the mother of James, and other women that were with them, which told these things unto the apostles.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Lk 24:11&quot;&gt;11&lt;/span&gt; And their words seemed to them as idle tales, and they believed them not.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Jn ch20
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:18&quot;&gt;18&lt;/span&gt; Mary Magdalene came and told the disciples that she had seen the Lord, and that he had spoken these things unto her.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;/tr&gt;

&lt;tr&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Mt ch28
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:11&quot;&gt;11&lt;/span&gt; Now when they were going, behold, some of the watch came into the city, and shewed unto the chief priests all the things that were done.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:12&quot;&gt;12&lt;/span&gt; And when they were assembled with the elders, and had taken counsel, they gave large money unto the soldiers,
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:13&quot;&gt;13&lt;/span&gt; Saying, Say ye, His disciples came by night, and stole him away while we slept.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:14&quot;&gt;14&lt;/span&gt; And if this come to the governor's ears, we will persuade him, and secure you.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:15&quot;&gt;15&lt;/span&gt; So they took the money, and did as they were taught: and this saying is commonly reported among the Jews until this day.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;/tr&gt;

&lt;tr&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Lk ch24
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Lk 24:12&quot;&gt;12&lt;/span&gt; Then arose Peter, and ran unto the sepulchre; and stooping down, he beheld the linen clothes laid by themselves, and departed, wondering in himself at that which was come to pass.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;/tr&gt;
&lt;/table&gt;

====Sources====
*I indeed baptize you with water unto repentance: but he that cometh after me is mightier than I, whose shoes I am not worthy to bear: he shall baptize you with the Holy Ghost, and with fire: Whose fan is in his hand, and he will throughly purge his floor, and gather his wheat into the garner; but he will burn up the chaff with unquenchable fire.
**[[w;John the Baptist|John the Baptist]] [[w:Gospel of Matthew|Gospel of Matthew]] [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 3:11-12] King James Version.

*In this was manifested the love of God toward us, because that God sent his only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through him. Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins.
**John, [[w:First Epistle of John|1 John]][http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=5357535 4:9–10] King James Version.

*Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that ye should follow his steps: Who did no sin, neither was guile found in his mouth: Who, when he was reviled, reviled not again; when he suffered, he threatened not; but committed himself to him that judgeth righteously: Who his own self bare our sins in his own body on the tree, that we, being dead to sins, should live unto righteousness: by whose stripes ye were healed.
**[[w:Saint Peter|Peter]], [[w:First Epistle of Peter|1 Peter]][http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=5332719 2:22–24] King James Version.

* If you are insulted because of the name of Christ, you are blessed, for the Spirit of glory and of God rests on you.
** [[w:Saint Peter|Peter]], [[w:First Epistle of Peter|1 Peter]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20Peter%204:14;&amp;version=31; 4:14]

* For he must rule as [[king]] until [[God]] has put all enemies under his feet. And the last enemy, [[death]], is to be brought to nothing.
** [[Paul of Tarsus]], 1 Corinthians [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/1-corinthians/15/ 15: 25-26], [[NWT]]

* Worship God! For the testimony of Jesus is the spirit of prophecy. &lt;br/&gt; Now I saw heaven opened, and behold, a white horse. And He who sat on him was called Faithful and True, and in righteousness He judges and makes war. &lt;br/&gt; His eyes were like a flame of fire, and on His head were many crowns. He had a name written that no one knew except Himself. &lt;br/&gt; He was clothed with a robe dipped in blood, and His name is called The Word of God. … &lt;br/&gt; Now out of His mouth goes a sharp sword, that with it He should strike the nations. And He Himself will rule them with a rod of iron. He Himself treads the winepress of the fierceness and wrath of Almighty God. &lt;br/&gt; And He has on His robe and on His thigh a name written: &lt;blockquote&gt;KING OF KINGS AND LORD OF LORDS.&lt;/blockquote&gt; Then I saw an angel standing in the sun; and he cried with a loud voice, saying to all the birds that fly in the midst of heaven, “Come and gather together for the supper of the great God, &lt;br/&gt; that you may eat the flesh of kings, the flesh of captains, the flesh of mighty men, the flesh of horses and of those who sit on them, and the flesh of all people, free and slave, both small and great.” &lt;br/&gt; And I saw the beast, the kings of the earth, and their armies, gathered together to make war against Him who sat on the horse and against His army. &lt;br/&gt; Then the beast was captured, and with him the false prophet who worked signs in his presence, by which he deceived those who received the mark of the beast and those who worshiped his image. These two were cast alive into the lake of fire burning with brimstone. &lt;br/&gt; And the rest were killed with the sword which proceeded from the mouth of Him who sat on the horse. And all the birds were filled with their flesh.
** ''[[w:The Bible|The Bible]]'', [[w:Book of Revelation|Revelation]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Revelation%2019:10-21;&amp;version=9; 19:10–21] (NKJV) This passage has been interpreted by some as referring to the [[w:Second Coming|Second Coming]] of [[w:Jesus|Jesus Christ]], and by others as not actually referring to Jesus, but some herald of the ultimate triumph of [[w:Christ|Christ]].

=== Josephus ===
* Now there was about this time Jesus, a wise man, if it be lawful to call him a man; for he was a doer of wonderful works, a teacher of such men as receive the truth with pleasure. He drew over to him both many of the Jews and many of the Gentiles. He was [the] Christ. And when Pilate, at the suggestion of the principal men amongst us, had condemned him to the cross, those that loved him at the first did not forsake him; for he appeared to them alive again the third day; as the divine prophets had foretold these and ten thousand other wonderful things concerning him. And the tribe of Christians, so named from him, are not extinct at this day.
** [[w:Josephus|Titus Flavius Josephus]], ''[[w:Antiquities of the Jews|Antiquities of the Jews]]'' (c. 93–94 AD), [http://en.wikisource.org/wiki/The_Antiquities_of_the_Jews/Book_XVIII#Chapter_3 Book 18, Chapter 3, 3]. See also [[w:Josephus on Jesus|Josephus on Jesus]] at Wikipedia.

=== The Apostles' Creed ===

{|
| I believe in God the Father Almighty, ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 Corinthians#8:6|1 Corinthians 8:6]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Revelation#1:8|Revelation 1:8]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Isaiah#44:6|Isaiah 44:6]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/2 Corinthians#6:18|2 Corinthians 6:18]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Ephesians#4:6|Ephesians 4:6]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Revelation#19:6|Revelation 19:6]];
|-
| Maker of heaven and earth: ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#1:1|John 1:1-3]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Genesis#1:1|Genesis 1:1-3]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#14:15|Acts 14:15]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#17:24|Acts 17:24-26]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Hebrews#11:3|Hebrews 11:3]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Nehemiah#9:6|Nehemiah 9:6]];
|-
| And in Jesus Christ his only Son our Lord, ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#20:28|John 20:28]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#3:16|John 3:16]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#1:18|John 1:18]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 John#4:9|1 John 4:9]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#10:30|John 10:30,36-38]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#4:10|Acts 4:10-12]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Colossians#1:15|Colossians 1:15-19]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Colossians#2:3|Colossians 2:3,9]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Proverbs#30:4|Proverbs 30:4]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Luke#2:11|Luke 2:11]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 Corinthians#8:6|1 Corinthians 8:6]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/2 Peter#1:16|2 Peter 1:16-18]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Romans#8:31|Romans 8:31-34]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Romans#9:5|Romans 9:5]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Matthew#28:18|Matthew 28:18-19]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 Timothy#3:16|1 Timothy 3:16]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Matthew#4:14|Matthew 4:14-16]];
|-
| Who was conceived by the Holy Ghost, ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Matthew#1:18|Matthew 1:18-20]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Luke#1:35|Luke 1:35]];
|-
| Born of the Virgin Mary, ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Luke#1:27|Luke 1:27,34]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Matthew#1:23|Matthew 1:23]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Matthew#2:4|Matthew 2:4-6]];
|-
| Suffered under Pontius Pilate, ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Luke#3:1|Luke 3:1,2]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Luke#23:13|Luke 23:13-25,32-34,44-46]];
|-
| Was crucified, dead, and buried: ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#4:10|Acts 4:10]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Isaiah#53:4|Isaiah 53:4-9]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#19:20|John 19:20]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Luke#23:52|Luke 23:52-53]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Revelation#5:12|Revelation 5:12,13]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Matthew#27:35|Matthew 27:35]];
|-
| He descended into hell; ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 Peter#3:18|1 Peter 3:18-19]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Revelation#1:18|Revelation 1:18]];
|-
| The third day he rose again from the dead; ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 Corinthians#15:1|1 Corinthians 15:1-8,12-14,19-20]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#2:21|Acts 2:21,22,27-32]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Matthew#28:1|Matthew 28:1-9]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Mark#16:4|Mark 16:4-6]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Luke#24:44|Luke 24:44-47]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#20:1|John 20:1,12-17]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Romans#1:2|Romans 1:2-4]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Matthew#11:4|Matthew 11:4-6]];
|-
| He ascended into heaven, ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#1:9|Acts 1:9-11]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Luke#24:49|Luke 24:49-51]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#20:17|John 20:17]];
|-
| And sitteth on the right hand of God the Father Almighty; ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Hebrews#12:2|Hebrews 12:2]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Hebrews#1:1|Hebrews 1:1-6]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Mark#16:19|Mark 16:19]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Hebrews#9:24|Hebrews 9:24]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Hebrews#10:12|Hebrews 10:12-13]];
|-
| From thence he shall come to judge the quick and the dead. ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#10:42|Acts 10:42]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/2 Timothy#4:1|2 Timothy 4:1]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 Thessalonians#4:15|1 Thessalonians 4:15-18]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/2 Peter#3:8|2 Peter 3:8-13]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Revelation#20:11|Revelation 20:11-14]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Matthew#24:27|Matthew 24:27,36]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Matthew#25:31|Matthew 25:31-34,41,46]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#5:22|John 5:22]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#14:1|John 14:1,3]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/2 Thessalonians#1:7|2 Thessalonians 1:7-10]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#17:30|Acts 17:30,31]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Hebrews#9:27|Hebrews 9:27]];
|-
| I believe in the Holy Ghost; ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Ephesians#4:30|Ephesians 4:30-32]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#15:26|John 15:26]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#16:7|John 16:7-15]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#1:8|Acts 1:8-9]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#13:2|Acts 13:2]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 Corinthians#6:19|1 Corinthians 6:19-20]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Galatians#5:22|Galatians 5:22-25]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#2:16|Acts 2:16-21]];
|-
| The holy Catholic Church; &lt;!--- 2019-01-07  I've removed the k from the archaic word Catholick because somebody else had removed the k here at this wikiquote webpage. ---&gt; ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Ephesians#2:18|Ephesians 2:18-22]];
|-
| The Communion of Saints; ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Galatians#6:2|Galatians 6:2,10]];
|-
| The Forgiveness of sins; ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#13:38|Acts 13:38]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 John#1:8|1 John 1:8 - 2:2]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 Timothy#1:15|1 Timothy 1:15]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Matthew#26:26|Matthew 26:26-28]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Luke#7:48|Luke 7:48]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#10:43|Acts 10:43]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Romans#3:23|Romans 3:23]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Romans#4:5|Romans 4:5]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Romans#5:6|Romans 5:6-10]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Romans#10:4|Romans 10:4-13]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 John#4:9|1 John 4:9-10]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Ephesians#1:7|Ephesians 1:7]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#1:29|John 1:29]];
|-
| The Resurrection of the body, ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 Corinthians#15:42|1 Corinthians 15:42-44,50-54]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Philippians#3:20|Philippians 3:20-21]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Job#19:25|Job 19:25-27]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 Thessalonians#4:16|1 Thessalonians 4:16-17]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#5:28|John 5:28-29]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#6:39|John 6:39-40,44]];
|-
| And the Life everlasting. ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#3:14|John 3:14-16]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#10:10|John 10:10]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#11:25|John 11:25]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#17:2|John 17:2-3]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 Peter#1:3|1 Peter 1:3-5]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 John#5:11|1 John 5:11-13]]
|}

Text of the Apostles' Creed from page 10 of the [https://archive.org/details/bookofcommonpray00lond Book of Common Prayer] from [http://www.archive.org www.archive.org]. Scripture references are KJV&amp;mdash;some from Bunyan's Pilgrim's Progress and [http://www.godonthe.net/evidence/apostle.htm www.godonthe.net/evidence/apostle.htm] and [http://www.baptistboard.com/archive/index.php/t-28938.html www.baptistboard.com/archive/index.php/t-28938.html] and [http://www.archive.org/details/shortexpositiono00luth Evangelical Lutheran synod of Missouri, Ohio and other states (1905), &quot;A Short Exposition of Dr Martin Luther's Small Catechism&quot;, Concordia] available from [http://www.archive.org www.archive.org].

=== [[Ignatius of Antioch]] ===
* ... our Lord Jesus Christ ... that He was ... the Son of God according to the will and power of God; that He was truly born of a virgin ... and was truly, under Pontius Pilate and Herod the tetrarch, nailed [to the cross] for us in His flesh.... [Chapter 3] And after his resurrection He did eat and drink with [those who were with Peter], as being possessed of flesh, although spiritually He was united to the Father.
** [[s:Author:Ignatius of Antioch|''Epistle of Ignatius to the Smyrnaeans,'' chapter 1, 3, shorter version (longer version is similar here). At page 86f of ANF1, that is, Roberts A, Donaldson J and Coxe AC (1885) ''Ante-Nicene Fathers, Vol 1''.]] [c 110 AD.]

=== Pliny the Younger, Governor of Bithynia ===
* Meanwhile, with those who have been brought before me as Christians I have pursued the following course. I have asked them if they were Christians, and if they have confessed, I have asked them a second and third time, threatening them with punishment; if they have persisted, I have commanded them to be led away to punishment.... Moreover, they affirmed that this was the sum of their guilt or error; that they had been accustomed to come together on a fixed day before daylight and to sing responsively a song unto Christ as God; and to bind themselves with an oath, not with a view to the commission of some crime, but, on the contrary, that they would not commit theft, nor robbery, nor adultery, that they would not break faith, nor refuse to restore a deposit when asked for it.... For the contagion of this superstition has permeated not only the cities, but also the villages and even the country districts. Yet it can apparently be arrested and corrected. At any rate, it is certainly a fact that the [pagan] temples, which were almost deserted, are now beginning to be frequented....
** [[w:Pliny the Younger on Christians|Pliny the Younger, Governor of Bithynia]], c112AD, (Pliny, Epp, X, 96)

=== [[Polycarp]] ===
* ... our Lord Jesus Christ, who for our sins suffered even unto death, [but] &quot;whom God raised from the dead, having loosed the bands of the grave&quot; [Acts 2:24]. &quot;In whom, though now ye see Him not, ye believe...&quot; [1 Pet 1:8].... He comes as the Judge of the living and the dead.
** [[s:Author:Polycarp|''Epistle of Polycarp to the Philippians,'' chapters 1 and 2. At page 33 of ANF1, that is, Roberts A, Donaldson J and Coxe AC (1885) ''Ante-Nicene Fathers, Vol 1''.]] [Perhaps about 150 AD.]

=== [[Justin Martyr]] ===
*But Sunday is the day on which we all hold our common assembly, because ... Jesus Christ our Saviour on the same day rose from the dead. For He was crucified on the day before that of Saturn (Saturday); and on the day after that of Saturn, which is the day of the Sun, having appeared to His apostles and disciples, He taught them these things, which we have submitted to you also for your consideration. 
** [[s:Ante-Nicene_Fathers/Volume_I/The_First_Apology|''The first apology of Justin,'' chapter LXVII. c156AD. In ANF1, that is, Roberts A, Donaldson J and Coxe AC (1885) ''Ante-Nicene Fathers, Vol 1''.]]

=== [[Irenaeus]] ===
* The Church, though dispersed throughout the whole world, even to the ends of the earth, has received from the apostles and their disciples this faith: [She believes] in ... God, the Father Almighty, ... and in ... Christ Jesus, our Lord, and God, and Saviour, and King, according to the will of the invisible Father ... and that He should execute just judgment towards all....
** [[s:Author:Irenaeus|''Irenaeus Against Heresies,'' book 1: chapter 10: paragraph 1 (1:10:1). At page 330 of ANF1, that is, Roberts A, Donaldson J and Coxe AC (1885) ''Ante-Nicene Fathers, Vol 1''.]] [c 185 AD.] [The Nicene Creed, effectively. Cf 3:4:2 p417. Cf 5:20:1 p548.]

=== The [[w:Gospel of Mary|Gospel of Mary]] ===

* He questioned them about the Saviour: Did He really speak privately with a woman and not openly to us? Are we to turn about and all listen to her? Did He prefer her to us? &lt;br /&gt; Then Mary wept and said to Peter, My brother Peter, what do you think? Do you think that I have thought this up myself in my heart, or that I am lying about the Saviour? &lt;br /&gt; Levi answered and said to Peter, Peter you have always been hot tempered. &lt;br /&gt; Now I see you contending against the woman like the adversaries. &lt;br /&gt; But if the Saviour made her worthy, who are you indeed to reject her? Surely the Saviour knows her very well. &lt;br /&gt; That is why He loved her more than us. Rather let us be ashamed and put on the perfect Man, and separate as He commanded us and preach the gospel, not laying down any other rule or other law beyond what the Saviour said. &lt;br /&gt; And when they heard this they began to go forth to proclaim and to preach.
** Mary 9:4–10

===Acts of Pilate, or The Gospel of Nicodemus===
* The elders of the Jews answered and said unto Jesus: What shall we see? Firstly, that thou wast born of fornication; secondly, that thy birth in Bethlehem was the cause of the slaying of children; thirdly, that thy father Joseph and thy mother Mary fled into Egypt because they had no confidence before the people.
** [[w:Acts of Pilate|Acts of Pilate]], or [http://www.earlychristianwritings.com/text/gospelnicodemus.html The Gospel of Nicodemus] (ca. 150–255)

===The Talmud===

====Babylonian Talmud====

* Yeshua's [Jesus's] mother was Miriam [Mary]... This is as they say about her in the [[w:Pumbedita|Pumbeditha]]: This one strayed from [was unfaithful to] her husband... He is guilty as a beguiler who says, &quot;I will worship (other gods),&quot;… In the case of any one who is liable to death penalties enjoined in the Law, it is not proper to lie in wait for him except he be a beguiler... [as] they did to Ben Stada [Jesus] whom they hanged on the eve of the Passover... The husband of his [Jesus'] mother was called Stada [Joseph ben Stada], and her seducer [[w:Pandera|Pandera]] [a Roman name].
** ''[[w:The Talmud|The Talmud]]'', [[w:Mishnah|Mishnah]] 27:15, &quot;Offenders Liable to Capital Punishment: The Beguiler to Idolatry&quot; (ca. 200). Peter Schäfer in ''Jesus in the Talmud'' (Princeton, 2007) explains: &quot;if the [Babylonian Talmud] takes it for granted that [Jesus's] mother was an adulteress, then the logical conclusion follows that we was a ''[[w:mamzer|mamzer]]'', a bastard or illegitimate child&quot;.

====Palestinian Talmud====

===Early Middle Ages===

* And the Son of God died; it is by all means to be believed, because it is absurd. And he was buried and rose again; the fact is certain because it is impossible.
** [[Tertullian]] (150–225), ''De Carne Christi''. (This is actually a famous paraphrased translation, based upon separate statements of Tertullian).

* … the Son of God died; it is by all means to be believed, because it is absurd.
** [http://www.tertullian.org/articles/evans_carn/evans_carn_03latin.htm Original Latin]: ''et mortuus est dei filius: prorsus credibile est, quia ineptum est.''
** [[w:Tertullian|Tertullian]], ''[[w:De Carne Christi|De Carne Christi]]'' (5), (ca. 155–230). See also [[w:Fideism|Fideism]] and ''[[w:Credo quia absurdum|Credo quia absurdum]].

* Josephus &amp;hellip; in seeking after the cause of the fall of Jerusalem and the destruction of the temple &amp;hellip; ought to have said that the conspiracy against Jesus was the cause of these calamities befalling the people, since they put to death Christ.
** [[w:Origen|Origen]] (''c.'' 185–''c.'' 254), ''Origin Against Celus'', Book I, Chapter XLVII

* This, I shall say, is He, ''the son of the carpenter or the whore'', the destroyer of the ''Sabbath'', the ''Samaritan'' and Who ''had a devil''. This is He, Whom ye bought of Judas: this is He, Who was smitten with a reed and with bufferings, dishonoured with spittings, drugged with gall and vinegar. This is He, Whom the disciples stole secretly away, that it might be said that He had risen again[.]
** [[w:Tertullian|Tertullian]], ''[[w:De spectaculis|De spectaculis]]'' (ca. 197–202)

* Jesus reveals the law to us when he reveals to us the secrets of the law. For we who are of the catholic Church, we do not spurn the law of Moses but accept it, so long as it is Jesus who reads it to us. Indeed, we can only possess a correct understanding of the Law when he reads it to us, and we are able to receive his sense and understanding.
** [[w:Origen|Origen]] (''c.'' 185–''c.'' 254), in R. B. Tollington, trans., ''Selections from the Commentaries and Homilies of Origen, London, 1929, p. 54

* ‘If,’ said he, ‘the Father begat the Son, he that was begotten had a beginning of existence: and from this it is evident, that there was a time when the Son was not. It therefore necessarily follows, that he had his substance from nothing.’
** [[w:Arius|Arius of Alexandria]], (ca250/256–336) on the [[w:Arianism|Arian heresy]] [http://www.sacred-texts.com/chr/ecf/202/2020014.htm]

* How can we admit that the divine became an embryo, and that after its birth, it was wrapped in swaddling clothes, covered with blood, bile, and even worse things?
** [[w:Porphyry (philosopher)|Porphyry of Tyre]] (''c.'' 233–''c.'' 309 CE), ''Porphyry Against the Christians: The Literary Remains'' (Guildford 1994), expressing the [[w:Neoplatonic|Neoplatonist]]'s skepticism about Jesus' divinity

* Every prophet, every ancient writer, every revolution of the state, every law, every ceremony of the old covenant points only to Christ, announces only him, represents only him.
** [[w:Eusebius of Caesarea|Eusebius of Caesarea]] (''c.'' 263–339?), ''Demonstratio'' Evangelium, 4: 15 in J. P. Migne, ed., ''Patrologia Graeca'', Paris, 1857–66, vol. 22, p. 296

* [T]he Jewish people were driven by their drunkenness and plumpness to the ultimate evil; they kicked about, they failed to accept the yoke of Christ, nor did they pull the plow of his teaching. Another prophet hinted at this when he said: &quot;Israel is as obstinate as a stubborn heifer.&quot; … Although such beasts are unfit for work, they are fit for killing. And this is what happened to the Jews: while they were making themselves unfit for work, they grew fit for slaughter. This is why Christ said: &quot;But as for these my enemies, who did not want me to be king over them, bring them here and slay them.&quot; ([[w:Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [[s:Bible, King James, Luke#Chapter 19|19:27]])
** [[w:Saint John Chrysostom|Saint John Chrysostom]] (349–ca. 407) in Κατά Ιουδαίων [''Adversus Judaeos'' or ''Against the Jews'' or ''Against Judaizing Christians''] as translated in [http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/source/chrysostom-jews6.html ''Eight Homilies Against the Jews''], Homily 1. Many Christians have since condemned Chrysostom's [[w:Rhetoric|rhetoric]] against Jewish traditions, and its later use for antisemitic campaigns, specifically those of Nazi Germany; Rev. [[w:Richard John Neuhaus|Richard John Neuhaus]] explains that &quot;John Chrysostom in fourth-century Constantinople should not be held responsible for the misrepresentation of his writings by Nazis in twentieth-century Germany&quot; (''First Things'', [http://www.firstthings.com/article.php3?id_article=3939 November 1996]).

* The heathen ... begins to praise Christ, not in order to do him honor, but to make you despair. It is the deadly cunning of the serpent, to turn you away from Christ by praising Christ, to extol deceitfully the one he doesn’t dare to disparage. He exaggerates the sovereign majesty of Christ in order to make him out quite unique, to stop you hoping for anything like what was demonstrated in his rising.
** [[Augustine of Hippo]], “How to answer their exaggerated praise of Christ and their disparaging of Christians,” Sermon 361:15

===The [[Qur'an]] and the [[Hadith]]===
[[File:Harhab mini.JPG|thumb|[[w:The Dome of the Rock|The Dome of the Rock]] ({{lang|ar|مسجد قبة الصخرة|rtl}}) in Jerusalem (built 692 CE) which contains inscriptions that proclaim God's uniqueness and deny that He has any son or requires any assistance.]]
:&lt;small&gt;This section contains quotes about Isa (Jesus) that occur in the [[w:Qur'an|Qur'an]] and the [[w:Hadith|Hadith]].&lt;/small&gt;

====The Qur'an====
:&lt;small&gt;[[Wikisource:Qur'an|Qur'an]] in Wikisouce&lt;/small&gt;


[[File:Quran.jpg|thumb|In blasphemy indeed are those that say that God is Christ the son of Mary. Say: Who then hath the least power against God, if He wished to destroy Christ the son of Mary, his mother, and all those on the earth? ~ [[Qur'an]]]]

* Surah ii. 81: &quot;Moreover, to Moses gave we 'the Book,' and we raised up apostles after him; and to Jesus, son of Mary, gave we clear proofs of his mission and strengthened him by the Holy Spirit. So oft then as an apostle cometh to you with that which your souls desire not, swell ye with pride, and treat some as imposters, and slay others?&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Surah ii. 254: &quot;Some of the apostles we have endowed more highly than others: Those to whom God hath spoken. He hath raised to the loftiest grade, and to Jesus, son of Mary we gave manifest signs, and we strengthened him with the Holy Spirit. And if God had pleased, they who came after them would not have wrangled, after the clear signs had reached them. But into disputes they fell; some of them believed, and some were infidels; yet if God had pleased, they would not have thus wrangled; but God doth what he will.&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Surah iii. 37-42: &quot;And remember when the angels said, 'O Mary! Verily hath God chosen thee, and purified thee, and chosen thee above the women of the worlds! O Mary! Be devout towards thy Lord, and prostrate thyself and bow down with those who bow.' This is one of the announcements of things unseen by thee: To thee, O Muhammad! do we reveal it; for thou wast not with them when they cast lots with reeds which of them should rear Mary: nor wast thou with them when they disputed about it. Remember when the angel said, &quot;O mary! Verily God annnounceth to thee the Word from Him: His name shall be Messiah Jesus the son of Mary, illustrious in this world, and in the next, and one of those who have near access to God; and he shall speak to mean alike when in the cradle and when grown up; and he shall be one of the just.' She said, 'How, O my Lord? Shall I have a son, when man hath not touched me?' He said, 'Thus: God will create what He will; when He decreeth a thing He only saith, &quot;Be,&quot; and it is.' And He will teach him the Book, and the Wisdom, and the Law, and the Evangel; and he shall be an apostle to the children of Israel.&quot; 
** Quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Surah iii. 44: &quot;And I have come to attest the law which was before me; and to allow you part of that which had been forbidden you; and I come to you with a sign from your Lord; Fear God, then, and obey me; of a truth God is my Lord, and your Lord: Therefore worship Him. This is a right way.&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* And he will speak to the people when in the cradle and when of old age, and (he will be) one of the good ones.
** Qur'an 3:46

* She said: My Lord! How can I have a child when no mortal hath touched me? He said: So (it will be). Allah createth what He will. If He decreeth a thing, He saith unto it only: Be! and it is. &lt;br /&gt; And He will teach him the Scripture and wisdom, and the Torah and the Gospel, &lt;br /&gt; And will make him a messenger unto the Children of Israel, (saying): Lo! I come unto you with a sign from your Lord. Lo! I fashion for you out of clay the likeness of a bird, and I breathe into it and it is a bird, by Allah's leave. I heal him who was born blind, and the leper, and I raise the dead, by Allah's leave. And I announce unto you what ye eat and what ye store up in your houses. Lo! herein verily is a portent for you, if ye are to be believers. &lt;br /&gt; And (I come) confirming that which was before me of the Torah, and to make lawful some of that which was forbidden unto you. I come unto you with a sign from your Lord, so keep your duty to Allah and obey me.
** The [[Quran]] [http://skepticsannotatedbible.com/quran/3/index.htm Sura 3:47-50] as translated by [[w:Marmaduke Pickthall|Marmaduke Pickthall]] in ''[[w:The Meaning of the Glorious Koran|The Meaning of the Glorious Koran]]'' (1930)

* Surah iii. 51, 52: &quot;These signs, and this wise warning do we rehearse to thee. Verily, Jesus is as Adam in the sight of God. He created Him of dust: He then said to him, 'Be,' - and he was.&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* And when Allah said: O Isa, [Jesus] I am going to terminate the period of your stay (on earth) and cause you to ascend unto Me and purify you of those who disbelieve and make those who follow you above those who disbelieve to the day of resurrection; then to Me shall be your return, so l will decide between you concerning that in which you differed.
** [[s:ar:أَلْقُرآن أَلْكَرِيم|Original]]: {{lang|ar|إِذْ قَالَ اللّهُ يَا عِيسَى إِنِّي مُتَوَفِّيكَ وَرَافِعُكَإِلَيَّ وَمُطَهِّرُكَ مِنَ الَّذِينَ كَفَرُواْ وَجَاعِلُ الَّذِينَ اتَّبَعُوكَفَوْقَ الَّذِينَ كَفَرُواْ إِلَى يَوْمِ الْقِيَامَةِ ثُمَّ إِلَيَّ مَرْجِعُكُمْفَأَحْكُمُ بَيْنَكُمْ فِيمَا كُنتُمْ فِيهِ تَخْتَلِفُونَ|rtl}}
** The [[Qur'an]], [http://www.hti.umich.edu/cgi/k/koran/koran-idx?type=DIV0&amp;byte=72808 Sura 3:55] ([[w:Al Imran|The Family of Amram]], {{lang|ar|سورة آل عمران}})

* Surah iii. 72, 73: &quot;And some truly are there among them who torture the Scriptures with they tongues, in order that ye may suppose it to be from the Scripture, yet it is not from the Scripture. And they say, 'This is from God'; yet it is not from God; and they utter s lie against God, and they know they do so. It beseemeth not a man, that God should give his the Scriptures and the Wisdom, and the gift of prophecy, and that then he should say to his followers, 'Be ye worshipers of me, as well as of God'; but rather, 'Be ye perfect in things pertaining to God, since ye know the Scriptures, and have studied deep.'&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Then because of their breaking of their covenant, and their disbelieving in the revelations of Allah, and their slaying of the prophets wrongfully, and their saying: Our hearts are hardened — Nay, but Allah set a seal upon them for their disbelief, so that they believe not save a few — &lt;br /&gt; And because of their disbelief and of their speaking against Mary a tremendous calumny; &lt;br /&gt; And because of their saying: We slew the Messiah, Jesus son of Mary, Allah's messenger — they slew him not nor crucified him, but it appeared so unto them; and lo! those who disagree concerning it are in doubt thereof; they have no knowledge thereof save pursuit of a conjecture; they slew him not for certain. &lt;br /&gt; But Allah took him up unto Himself. Allah was ever Mighty, Wise. &lt;br /&gt; There is not one of the People of the Scripture but will believe in him before his death, and on the Day of Resurrection he will be a witness against them.
** [[s:ar:أَلْقُرآن أَلْكَرِيم|Original]]:{{lang|ar|فَبِمَا نَقْضِهِم مِّيثَاقَهُمْ وَكُفْرِهِم بَآيَاتِ اللّهِ وَقَتْلِهِمُ الأَنْبِيَاءَبِغَيْرِ حَقًّ وَقَوْلِهِمْ قُلُوبُنَا غُلْفٌ بَلْ طَبَعَ اللّهُ عَلَيْهَابِكُفْرِهِمْفَلاَ يُؤْمِنُونَ إِلاَّ قَلِ &lt;br /&gt; وَبِكُفْرِهِمْ وَقَوْلِهِمْ عَلَى مَرْيَمَبُهْتَاناً عَظِيماً &lt;br /&gt; وَقَوْلِهِمْ إِنَّا قَتَلْنَا الْمَسِيحَ عِيسَى ابْنَمَرْيَمَرَسُولَ اللّهِ وَمَا قَتَلُوهُ وَمَا صَلَبُوهُ وَلَـكِن شُبِّهَ لَهُمْ وَإِنَّالَّذِينَاخْتَلَفُواْ فِيهِ لَفِي شَكٍّ مِّنْهُ مَا لَهُم بِهِ مِنْ عِلْمٍ إِلاَّ اتِّبَاعَالظَّنِّوَمَا قَتَلُوهُ يَقِينا &lt;br /&gt; بَل رَّفَعَهُ اللّهُ إِلَيْهِ وَكَانَ اللّهُعَزِيزاً حَكِيماً &lt;br /&gt; وَإِن مِّنْ أَهْلِ الْكِتَابِ إِلاَّ لَيُؤْمِنَنَّ بِهِ قَبْلَ مَوْتِهِوَيَوْمَالْقِيَامَةِ يَكُونُ عَلَيْهِمْ شَهِيدا|rtl}}
** The [[Qur'an]], [http://www.sacred-texts.com/isl/pick/004.htm Sura 4:155–159] ([[w:An-Nisa|The Women]], {{lang|ar|سورة النساء|rtl}})

* Surah iv. 169: &quot;O ye people of the Book! Overstep not bounds in your religion; and of God, speak only truth. The Messiah, Jesus, son of Mary, is only an apostle of God, and His Word which he conveyed into Mary, and a Spirit from Him. Believe, therefore, in God and His apostles, and say not, 'Three': (i.e. there is a Trinity) - Forbear - it will be better for you. God is only one God! Far be it from His glory that He should have a son! His, whatever is in the Heavens, and whatever is in the Earth! And God is a sufficient Guardian.&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* O followers of the Book! [The Bible] do not exceed the limits in your religion, and do not speak (lies) against Allah, but (speak) the truth; the Messiah, Isa son of Marium [Jesus son of Mary] is only an apostle of Allah and His Word which He communicated to Marium and a spirit from Him; believe therefore in Allah and His apostles, and say not, Three. Desist, it is better for you; Allah is only one God; far be It from His glory that He should have a son, whatever is in the heavens and whatever is in the earth is His, and Allah is sufficient for a Protector.
** [[s:ar:أَلْقُرآن أَلْكَرِيم|Original]]: {{lang|ar|يَا أَهْلَ الْكِتَابِ لاَ تَغْلُواْ فِي دِينِكُمْ وَلاَ تَقُولُواْعَلَى اللّهِ إِلاَّ الْحَقِّ إِنَّمَا الْمَسِيحُ عِيسَى ابْنُ مَرْيَمَ رَسُولُاللّهِ وَكَلِمَتُهُ أَلْقَاهَا إِلَى مَرْيَمَ وَرُوحٌ مِّنْهُ فَآمِنُواْ بِاللّهِوَرُسُلِهِ وَلاَ تَقُولُواْ ثَلاَثَةٌ انتَهُواْ خَيْراً لَّكُمْ إِنَّمَا اللّهُإِلَـهٌوَاحِدٌ سُبْحَانَهُ أَن يَكُونَ لَهُ وَلَدٌ لَّهُ مَا فِي السَّمَاوَاتوَمَا فِي الأَرْضِ وَكَفَى بِاللّهِ وَكِيل|rtl}}
** The [[Qur'an]], [http://www.hti.umich.edu/cgi/k/koran/koran-idx?type=DIV0&amp;byte=114839 Sura 4:171] ([[w:An-Nisa|The Women]], {{lang|ar|سورة النساء|rtl}})

* In blasphemy indeed are those that say that God is Christ the son of Mary. Say: &quot;Who then hath the least power against God, if He wished to destroy Christ the son of Mary, his mother, and all those on the earth? For to God belongeth the dominion of the heavens and the earth, and all that is between. He createth what He pleaseth. For God hath power over all things.&quot;
** Qur'an 5:17

* Surah v. 50, 51: &quot;And in the footsteps of the prophets caused we Jesus, the son of Mary, to follow, confirming the law which was before him; and we gave him the Evangel with its guidance and light, confirmatory of the preceding Law: a guidance and warning to those who fear God:- And that the people of the Evangel may judge according to what God hath sent down therein. And whose will not judge by what God hath sent down - such are the perverse.&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Certainly they disbelieve who say: Surely Allah, He is the Messiah, son of Marium; and the Messiah said: O Children of Israel! serve Allah, my Lord and your Lord. Surely whoever associates (others) with Allah, then Allah has forbidden to him the garden, and his abode is the fire; and there shall be no helpers for the unjust. &lt;br/&gt; Certainly they disbelieve who say: Surely Allah is the third (person) of the three; and there is no god but the one God, and if they desist not from what they say, a painful chastisement shall befall those among them who disbelieve.
** [[s:ar:أَلْقُرآن أَلْكَرِيم|Original]]: {{lang|ar|لَقَدْ كَفَرَ الَّذِينَ قَالُواْ إِنَّ اللّهَ هُوَالْمَسِيحُ ابْنُ مَرْيَمَ وَقَالَ الْمَسِيحُ يَا بَنِي إِسْرَائِيلَ اعْبُدُواْاللّهَ رَبِّي وَرَبَّكُمْ إِنَّهُ مَن يُشْرِكْ بِاللّهِ فَقَدْ حَرَّمَ اللّهُعَلَيهِالْجَنَّةَ وَمَأْوَاهُ النَّارُ وَمَا لِلظَّالِمِينَ مِنْ أَنصَارٍ &lt;br /&gt; لَّقَدْ كَفَرَ الَّذِينَ قَالُواْ إِنَّ اللّهَ ثَالِثُ ثَلاَثَةٍ وَمَا مِنْإِلَـهٍ إِلاَّ إِلَـهٌ وَاحِدٌ وَإِن لَّمْ يَنتَهُواْ عَمَّا يَقُولُونَ لَيَمَسَّنَّالَّذِينَ كَفَرُواْ مِنْهُمْ عَذَابٌ أَلِي|rtl}}
** The [[Qur'an]], [http://www.hti.umich.edu/cgi/k/koran/koran-idx?type=DIV0&amp;byte=158021 Sura 5:72–73] ([[w:Al-Ma'ida|The Dinner Table]], {{lang|ar|سورة المائدة|rtl}}

* Surah v. 76-69: &quot;They misbelieve who say, 'Verily, God is the Messiah, the son of Mary'; but the Messiah said, 'O children of Israel! Worship God, my Lord and your Lord; verily, he who associates aught with God, God hath forbidden him Paradise, and his resort is the Fire, and the unjust shall have none to help them. They misbelieve who say, 'Verily God is the third of three, for there is no God but one; and if they do not desist from what they say, there shall touch those who misbelieve amongst them grievous woe. Will they not turn again towards God and ask pardon of Him? For God is forgiving and merciful.' The Messiah, the son of Mary, is only a prophet! Prophets before him have passed away; and his mother was a confessor; they used both to eat food. See how we explain to them the signs, yet see how they turn aside!&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Surah lvii. 26, 27: &quot;And of old sent we Noah and Abraham, and on their seed conferred the gift of prophecy, and the Book; and some of them we guided aright; but many were evil doers. Then we caused our apostles to follow in their footsteps; and we caused Jesus the son of Mary to follow them; and we gave him the Evangel and we put into the hearts of those who followed him kindness and compassion; but as to the monastic life, they invented it themselves. The desire only of pleasing God did we prescribe to them, and this they observed not as it ought to have been observed; but to such of them as believed gave we their reward, though many of them were perverse.&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Surah xix. 16-21: &quot;And make mention in the Book, of Mary, when she went apart from her family, eastward, and took a veil to shroud herself from them: and We sent Our spirit to her, and he took before her the form of a perfect man. She said: 'I fly for refuge from thee to the God of Mercy! If thou fearest Him, begone from me.' He said: 'I am only a messenger of they Lord, that I may bestow on thee a holy son.' She said: 'How shall I have a son, when man hath never touched me? And I am not unchaste.' He said: 'So shall it be. Thy Lord hath said: &quot;Easy is this with me; and we will make him a sign to mankind and a mercy from us. For it is a thing decreed.&quot;'&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Then she brought him to her own folk, carrying him. They said: O Mary! Thou hast come with an amazing thing. &lt;br /&gt; O sister of Aaron! Thy father was not a wicked man nor was thy mother a harlot. &lt;br /&gt; Then she pointed to him. They said: How can we talk to one who is in the cradle, a young boy? &lt;br /&gt; He spake: Lo! I am the slave of Allah. He hath given me the Scripture and hath appointed me a Prophet, &lt;br /&gt; And hath made me blessed wheresoever I may be, and hath enjoined upon me prayer and almsgiving so long as I remain alive, &lt;br /&gt; And (hath made me) dutiful toward her who bore me, and hath not made me arrogant, unblest. &lt;br /&gt; Peace on me the day I was born, and the day I die, and the day I shall be raised alive! &lt;br /&gt; Such was Jesus, son of Mary: (this is) a statement of the truth concerning which they doubt. &lt;br /&gt; It befitteth not (the Majesty of) Allah that He should take unto Himself a son. Glory be to Him! When He decreeth a thing, He saith unto it only: Be! and it is. &lt;br /&gt; And lo! Allah is my Lord and your Lord. So serve Him. That is the right path. &lt;br /&gt; The sects among them differ: but woe unto the disbelievers from the meeting of an awful Day. &lt;br /&gt; See and hear them on the Day they come unto Us! yet the evil-doers are today in error manifest. &lt;br /&gt; And warn them of the Day of anguish when the case hath been decided. Now they are in a state of carelessness, and they believe not.
** [[s:ar:أَلْقُرآن أَلْكَرِيم|Original]]: {{lang|ar| فَأَتَتْ بِهِ قَوْمَهَا تَحْمِلُهُ قَالُوا يَا مَرْيَمُ لَقَدْ جِئْتِ شَيْئاًفَرِيّاً &lt;br /&gt; يَا أُخْتَ هَارُونَ مَا كَانَ أَبُوكِ امْرَأَ سَوْءٍ وَمَا كَانَتْأُمُّكِ بَغِيّاً &lt;br /&gt; فَأَشَارَتْ إِلَيْهِ قَالُوا كَيْفَ نُكَلِّمُ مَن كَانَفِيالْمَهْدِ صَبِيّاً &lt;br /&gt; قَالَ إِنِّي عَبْدُ اللَّهِ آتَانِيَ الْكِتَابَ وَجَعَلَنِينَبِيّاً &lt;br /&gt; وَجَعَلَنِي مُبَارَكاً أَيْنَ مَا كُنتُ وَأَوْصَانِي بِالصَّلَاةِوَالزَّكَاةِ مَا دُمْتُ حَيّاً &lt;br /&gt; وَبَرّاً بِوَالِدَتِي وَلَمْ يَجْعَلْنِيجَبَّاراً شَقِيّاً &lt;br /&gt; وَالسَّلَامُ عَلَيَّ يَوْمَ وُلِدتُّ وَيَوْمَ أَمُوتُوَيَوْمَ أُبْعَثُ حَيّاً &lt;br /&gt; ذَلِكَ عِيسَى ابْنُ مَرْيَمَ قَوْلَ الْحَقِّالَّذِي فِيهِ يَمْتَرُونَ &lt;br /&gt; مَا كَانَ لِلَّهِ أَن يَتَّخِذَ مِن وَلَدٍ سُبْحَانَهُإِذَا قَضَى أَمْراً فَإِنَّمَا يَقُولُ لَهُ كُن فَيَكُونُ &lt;br /&gt; وَإِنَّ اللَّهَرَبِّي وَرَبُّكُمْفَاعْبُدُوهُ هَذَا صِرَاطٌ مُّسْتَقِيمٌ &lt;br /&gt; فَاخْتَلَفَ الْأَحْزَابُ مِنبَيْنِهِمْ فَوَيْلٌ لِّلَّذِينَ كَفَرُوا مِن مَّشْهَدِ يَوْمٍ عَظِيمٍ &lt;br /&gt; أَسْمِعْ بِهِمْوَأَبْصِرْ يَوْمَ يَأْتُونَنَا لَكِنِ الظَّالِمُونَ الْيَوْمَ فِي ضَلَالٍ مُّبِينٍ &lt;br /&gt; وَأَنذِرْهُمْ يَوْمَ الْحَسْرَةِ إِذْ قُضِيَ الْأَمْرُ وَهُمْ فِي غَفْلَةٍوَهُمْ لَا يُؤْمِنُونَ|rtl}}
** The [[Qur'an]], [http://www.sacred-texts.com/isl/pick/019.htm Sura 19:27–39] ([[w:Maryam|Maryam]], {{lang|ar|سورة مريم|rtl}}

* Surah lxi. 6: &quot;And remember when Jesus the son of Mary said, 'O children of Israel! Of a truth I am God's apostle to you to confirm the law which was given before me, and to announce an apostle that shall come after me whose name shall be Ahmad! But when he (Ahmad) presented himself with clear proofs of his mission, they said, 'This is manifest sorcery!&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Surah xxiii. 52: &quot;And we appointed the Son and his Mother for a sign; and we prepared an abode in a lofty spot, quiet and watered with springs.&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Surah v. 112-115: &quot;Remember when the Apostles said: 'O Jesus, Son of Mary! Is thy Lord able to send down a furnished table to us out of Heaven?' He said: 'Fear God if ye be believers.' They said: 'We desire to eat therefrom, and to have our hearts assured; and to know that thou hast indeed spoken truth to us, and to be witnesses thereof.' Jesus, Son of Mary, said: 'O God our Lord! Send down a table to us out of Heaven, that it may become a recurring festival to us, to the first of us and to the last of us, and a sign from thee; and do thou nourish us, for thou art the best of nourishers.' And God said: 'Verily, I will cause it to descend unto you; but whoever among you after that shall disbelieve, I will surely chastise him with a chastisement wherewith I will not chastise any other creature. 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Surah v. 19: &quot;Infidels now are they who say, 'Verily God is Messiah Ibn Maryam (son of Mary)! SAY: And who could aught obtain from God, if he chose to destroy the Messiah Ibn Maryam, and his mother, and all who are on the earth together?'&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* And when Allah will say: O Isa son of Marium! [Jesus son of Mary] did you say to men, Take me and my mother for two gods besides Allah he will say: Glory be to Thee, it did not befit me that I should say what I had no right to (say); if I had said it, Thou wouldst indeed have known it; Thou knowest what is in my mind, and I do not know what is in Thy mind, surely Thou art the great Knower of the unseen things.
** [[s:ar:أَلْقُرآن أَلْكَرِيم|Original]]: {{lang|ar|وَإِذْ قَالَ اللّهُ يَا عِيسَى ابْنَ مَرْيَمَ أَأَنتَ قُلتَ لِلنَّاسِ اتَّخِذُونِيوَأُمِّيَ إِلَـهَيْنِ مِن دُونِ اللّهِ قَالَ سُبْحَانَكَ مَا يَكُونُ لِي أَنْأَقُولَ مَا لَيْسَ لِي بِحَقٍّ إِن كُنتُ قُلْتُهُ فَقَدْ عَلِمْتَهُ تَعْلَمُمَا فِينَفْسِي وَلاَ أَعْلَمُ مَا فِي نَفْسِكَ إِنَّكَ أَنتَ عَلاَّمُ الْغُيُوب|rtl}}
** The [[Qur'an]], [http://www.hti.umich.edu/cgi/k/koran/koran-idx?type=DIV0&amp;byte=158021 Sura 5:116] ([[w:Al-Ma'ida|The Dinner Table]], {{lang|ar|سورة المائدة|rtl}}

* Surah vi. 85: &quot;And Zachariah, John, Jesus, and Elias: all were just persons.&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Surah ix. 30: &quot;The Jews say Ezra is the Son of God; and the Christians say that the Messiah is the Son of God; that is what they say with their mouths imitating the sayings of those who misbelieve before - God fight them! - How they lie!&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Then she conceived him; and withdrew with him to a remote place. ‏And the throes of childbirth drove her to the trunk of a palm-tree. She said: Oh, would that I had died before this, and had been a thing quite forgotten! ‏So a voice came to her from beneath her: Grieve not, surely thy Lord has provided a stream beneath thee. ‏ And shake towards thee the trunk of the palm-tree, it will drop on thee fresh ripe dates. ‏So eat and drink and cool the eye. Then if thou seest any mortal, say: Surely I have vowed a fast to the Beneficent, so I will not speak to any man to-day.
** Qur'an 19:22-26

* But she pointed to him. They said: How should we speak to one who is a child in the cradle? He said: I am indeed a servant of Allah. He has given me the Book and made me a prophet. And He has made me blessed wherever I may be, and He has enjoined on me prayer and poor-rate so long as I live:
** Qur'an 19:29-31

* Surah xliii. 57-65: &quot;And when the Son of Mary was set forth as an instance of divine power, lo! Thy people cried out for joy thereat: And they said, &quot;Are our god or is he the better?' They put this forth to thee only in the spirit of dispute. Yea. They are a contentious people. Jesus is no more than a servant whom we favored, and proposed as an instance of divine power to the children of Israel; and if we pleased, we could from yourselves bring forth Angels to succeed you on earth; and he shall be a sign of the last hour; doubt not then of it, and follow ye me: this is the right way; and let not Satan turn you aside from it, for he is your manifest foe. And when Jesus came with manifest proofs, he said, 'Now am I come to you with wisdom; and a part of those things about which ye are at variance I will clear up to you; fear ye God, therefore, and obey me. Verily, God is my Lord and your Lord; wherefore, worship ye him: this is a right way.' But the different parties fell into disputes among themselves; but woe to those who thus transgressed, because of the punishment of an afflictive day!&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Surah xix. 35, 36: &quot;That is Jesus, the son of Mary, the word of truth (Qaulu 'l-Haqq), whereon ye do dispute! God could not take to Himself a son! Celebrated be His praise! When He decrees a matter He only say to it 'BE,' and it is; and verily God is my Lord and your Lord, so worship Him: this is the right way. But the sects have differed among themselves.&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* And when Isa son of Marium [Jesus son of Mary] said: O children of Israel! surely I am the apostle of Allah to you, verifying that which is before me of the Taurat and giving the good news of an Apostle who will come after me, his name being [[w:Ahmad (name)|Ahmad]] [Muhammad], but when he came to them with clear arguments they said: This is clear magic.
** [[s:ar:أَلْقُرآن أَلْكَرِيم|Original]]: {{lang|ar|وَإِذْ قَالَ عِيسَى ابْنُ مَرْيَمَ يَا بَنِي إِسْرَائِيلَ إِنِّي رَسُولُ اللَّهِإِلَيْكُم مُّصَدِّقاًلِّمَا بَيْنَ يَدَيَّ مِنَ التَّوْرَاةِ وَمُبَشِّراً بِرَسُولٍ يَأْتِي مِنبَعْدِي اسْمُهُ أَحْمَدُ فَلَمَّاجَاءهُم بِالْبَيِّنَاتِ قَالُوا هَذَا سِحْرٌ مُّبِينٌ|rtl}}
** The [[Qur'an]], [http://www.hti.umich.edu/cgi/k/koran/koran-idx?type=DIV0&amp;byte=874756 Sura 61:6] ([[w:As-Saff|The Ranks]], {{lang|ar|سورة الصف|rtl}}

* Say: He, Allah, is One. &lt;br/&gt; Allah is He on Whom all depend. &lt;br/&gt; He begets not, nor is He begotten. &lt;br/&gt; And none is like Him.
** [[s:ar:أَلْقُرآن أَلْكَرِيم|Original]]: {{lang|ar|بِسْمِ اللهِ ٱلرَّحْمَـٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيمِ &lt;br /&gt; قُلْ هُوَ اللَّهُ أَحَدٌ &lt;br /&gt; اللَّهُ الصَّمَدُ &lt;br /&gt; لَمْ يَلِدْوَلَمْ يُولَدْ &lt;br /&gt; وَلَمْ يَكُن لَّهُ كُفُواً أَحَدٌ|rtl}}
** The [[Qur'an]], [http://www.hti.umich.edu/cgi/k/koran/koran-idx?type=DIV0&amp;byte=969810 Sura 112:1–4] ([[w:Al-Ikhlas|The Unity]], {{lang|ar|سورة الإخلاص|rtl}} This statement was declared as a rebuke to Christian doctrines of Jesus as the incarnation of God, and that God could beget a son that was his equal.

====The [[Hadith]]====
:&lt;small&gt;[[Wikisource:Hadith|Hadith]] in Wikisouce&lt;/small&gt;
* The Prophet said, &quot;On the night of my Ascent to the Heaven, I saw Moses who was a tall brown curly-haired man as if he was one of the men of Shan'awa tribe, and I saw Jesus, a man of medium height and moderate complexion inclined to the red and white colors and of lank hair. I also saw Malik, the gate-keeper of the (Hell) Fire and [[w:Dajjal|Ad-Dajjal]] [the [[w:Antichrist|Antichrist]]] amongst the signs which Allah showed me.&quot;
** [[w:Hadith|Hadith]], translation of [[Sahih Bukhari|Sahih Bukhari]], [http://www.usc.edu/dept/MSA/fundamentals/hadithsunnah/bukhari/054.sbt.html#004.054.462 Volume 4, Book 54, Number 462]

* Allah's Apostle said &quot;How will you be when the son of Mary ([[w:Jesus Christ|Jesus]]) descends amongst you and he will judge people by the Law of the Qur'an and not by the law of Gospel?&quot;
** [[w:Hadith|Hadith]], translation of [[w:Sahih Bukhari|Sahih Bukhari]], [http://www.usc.edu/dept/MSA/fundamentals/hadithsunnah/bukhari/055.sbt.html#004.055.554 Volume 4, Book 55, Number 65]

* The Prophet said, &quot;On the Day of Resurrection the Believers will assemble and say, 'Let us ask somebody to intercede for us with our Lord.' … 'Go to Jesus, Allah's Slave, His Apostle and Allah's Word and a Spirit coming from Him.' Jesus will say, 'I am not fit for this undertaking, go to Muhammad the Slave of Allah whose past and future sins were forgiven by Allah.' So they will come to me and I will proceed till I will ask my Lord's Permission and I will be given permission.
** [[w:Hadith|Hadith]], translation of [[w:Sahih Bukhari|Sahih Bukhari]], [http://www.usc.edu/dept/MSA/fundamentals/hadithsunnah/bukhari/060.sbt.html#006.060.149 Volume 6, Book 50, Number 3]

* By Him in Whose hand is my life, the son of Mary will soon descend among you as a just judge. He will break crosses, kill swine and abolish Jizya and the wealth will pour forth to such an extent that no one will accept it.
** [[Hadith]], translation of [[w:Sahih Bukhari|Sahih Bukhari]], [https://sunnah.com/muslim/1/296 Book 1, Hadith 296]

===Islamic Inscriptions from the Dome of the Rock ({{lang|ar|مسجد قبة الصخرة|rtl}})===
[[File:Dehio 10 Dome of the Rock Floor plan.jpg|thumb|Oh God, bless Your Messenger and Your servant Jesus son of Mary. Peace be on him the day he was born, and the day he dies, and the day he shall be raised alive! &lt;!-- Floor plan for the octagonal arcade of [[w:The Dome of the Rock|The Dome of the Rock]] ({{lang|ar|مسجد قبة الصخرة|rtl}}) in Jerusalem (built 692 CE), which contains numerous inscriptions that refer to Jesus --&gt;]]

* &quot;O People of the Book! Do not exaggerate in your religion nor utter aught concerning God save the truth. The Messiah, Jesus son of Mary, was only a Messenger of God, and His Word which He conveyed unto Mary, and a spirit from Him. So believe in God and His messengers, and say not 'Three' — Cease! (it is better for you! — God is only One God. Far be it removed from His transcendent majesty that He should have a son. His is all that is in the heavens and all that is in the earth. And God is sufficient as Defender.&quot; (Quran 4:171)
** [[w:Islam|Islamic]] inscription in the east-northeast inner octagonal arcade of the [[w:Dome of the Rock|Dome of the Rock]], Jerusalem (692 CE), [link to [http://www.islamic-awareness.org/History/Islam/Inscriptions/DoTR.html full text and translation]]

* Oh God, bless Your Messenger and Your servant Jesus son of Mary. Peace be on him the day he was born, and the day he dies, and the day he shall be raised alive! Such was Jesus, son of Mary, (this is) a statement of the truth concerning which they doubt.
** [[w:Islam|Islamic]] inscription in the north-northwest inner octagonal arcade of the [[w:Dome of the Rock|Dome of the Rock]], Jerusalem (692 CE), [link to [http://www.islamic-awareness.org/History/Islam/Inscriptions/DoTR.html full text and translation]]

* It befitteth not (the Majesty of) God that He should take unto Himself a son. Glory be to Him! When He decreeth a thing, He saith unto it only: Be! and it is. Lo! God is my Lord and your Lord. So serve Him. That is the right path. God (Himself) is witness that there is no God save Him.
** [[w:Islam|Islamic]] inscription in the northwest-west inner octagonal arcade of the [[w:Dome of the Rock|Dome of the Rock]], Jerusalem (692 CE), [link to [http://www.islamic-awareness.org/History/Islam/Inscriptions/DoTR.html full text and translation]]

* There is no god but God. He is One. Praise be to God, Who hath not taken unto Himself a son, and Who hath no partner in the Sovereignty, nor hath He any protecting friend through dependence.
** [[w:Islam|Islamic]] inscription in the west-northwest inner octagonal arcade of the [[w:Dome of the Rock|Dome of the Rock]], Jerusalem (692 CE), [link to [http://www.islamic-awareness.org/History/Islam/Inscriptions/DoTR.html full text and translation]]

===High Middle Ages===

* The purpose and cause of the incarnation was that He might illuminate the world by His wisdom and excite it to the love of Himself.
** [[Peter Abelard]] (1079–1142), as quoted in &quot;The Abelardian Doctrine Of The Atonement&quot; (1892), published in ''Doctrine and Development : University Sermons'' (1898) by Hastings Rashdall, p. 138

* If it be necessary, therefore, as it appears, that the heavenly kingdom be made up of men, and this cannot be effected unless the aforesaid satisfaction be made, which none but God can make and none but man ought to make, it is necessary for the God-man to make it.
** [[St. Anselm]] of Canterbury (1033–1109), ''Cur Deus Homo''

===The Reformation and Counter-Reformation===

* If You return to earth, come armed Lord,&lt;br&gt;because enemies are preparing other crosses&lt;br&gt;—not Turks, not Jews—but those of Your own kingdom
** [[Tommaso Campanella]], &quot;To Jesus Christ&quot;, as cited in Roush, Sherry, 2011, ''Selected Philosophical Poems of Tommaso Campanella'', University of Chicago Press, p. 18. Jesus

* He did not call them Abraham's children, but a &quot;brood of vipers&quot; [Matt. 3:7]. Oh, that was too insulting for the noble blood and race of Israel, and they declared, &quot;He has a demon' [Matt 11:18]. Our Lord also calls them a &quot;brood of vipers&quot;; furthermore in John 8 [:39,44] he states: &quot;If you were Abraham's children ye would do what Abraham did... You are of your father the devil. It was intolerable to them to hear that they were not Abraham's but the devil's children, nor can they bear to hear this today.
** [[w:Martin Luther|Martin Luther]] (1543), quoting what Jesus is said to have declared to some of the Jewish religious leaders of his time. ''[[w:On the Jews and Their Lies|On the Jews and Their Lies]]'' [http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/source/luther-jews.html]

* In those holy fields. &lt;br /&gt; Over whose acres walk'd those blessed feet &lt;br /&gt; Which, fourteen hundred years ago, were nail'd &lt;br /&gt; For our advantage on the bitter cross.
** [[William Shakespeare]], [[Henry IV, Part 1|''Henry IV'', Part I]] (c. 1597), Act I, scene 1, line 24

* And on his brest a bloodie crosse he bore, &lt;br /&gt; The deare remembrance of his dying Lord, &lt;br /&gt; For whose sweete sake that glorious badge he wore.
** [[Edmund Spenser]], ''The Faerie Queene'' (1589–96), Book I, Canto I, Stanza 2

===The Age of Reason (Seventeenth Century)===

* I must at this juncture declare that those doctrines which certain churches put forward concerning Christ, I neither affirm nor deny, for I freely confess that I do not grasp them.
** [[w:Baruch Spinoza|Baruch Spinoza]], ''[[w:Theologico-Political Treatise|Theologico-Political Treatise]]'' [http://www.yesselman.com/ttpelws1.htm#1:50understand] (1677)

===The Age of Enlightenment (Eighteenth Century)===

* We Recognize No Sovereign but God, and no King but Jesus!
** [[John Adams]] and [[John Hancock]] (April 18, 1775)[http://www.eadshome.com/QuotesoftheFounders.htm])

*Jesus taught the world nothing that had not been taught as earnestly before by other [[Masters of Wisdom|masters]]. He begins His [[Sermon on the Mount|sermon [on the Mount]]] with certain purely Buddhistic precepts that had found acceptance among the [[Essenes]], and were generally practiced by the Orphikoi, and the [[w:Neo-platonists|Neo-platonists]]... Every word of His sermon is an echo of the essential principles of monastic [[Buddhism|Buddhism.]]	
**[[H.P. Blavatsky]] in ''[[Isis Unveiled]]'' Vol. 2, (1877)

*I believe blindly in those words of Christ that I clearly understand and still more in those that were expressed by Him in the [[Sermon on the Mount]] for I find them literally repeated in the [[Buddhist]] sermons of [[Gautama]], in the [[Dhammapada]] and in the Sastras of Siddhartha Buddha, as well as the Egyptian Book of the Dead.
**[[H.P. Blavatsky]], ''The Letters of H. P. Blavatsky'': Volume 1 1861-1879, ISBN-13: 978-0835608367

*The religion which the primitive teaching of the early few apostles most resembled — a religion preached by Jesus himself — is the elder of... Buddhism. The latter as taught in its primitive purity, and carried to perfection by the last of the Buddhas, Gautama, based its moral ethics on three fundamental principles. It alleged that 1, every thing existing, exists from natural causes; 2, that virtue brings its own reward, and vice and sin their own punishment; and, 3, that the state of man in this world is probationary... However puzzling the subsequent theological tenets; however seemingly incomprehensible the metaphysical abstractions which have convulsed the theology of every one of the great religions of mankind as soon as it was placed on a sure footing, the above is found to be the essence of every religious philosophy, with the exception of later Christianity. It was that of Zoroaster, of Pythagoras, of Plato, of Jesus, and even of Moses, albeit the teachings of the Jewish law-giver have been so piously tampered with. 
**[[H.P. Blavatsky|H.P. Blavatsky]], ''[[w:Isis Unveiled|Isis Unveiled]]'', Vol. II, Chapter III, p. 124 (1877)

*Perhaps the Church of Rome was but consistent in choosing as her titular founder the apostle who thrice denied his master at the moment of danger; and the only one, moreover, except Judas, who provoked Christ in such a way as to be addressed as the &quot;Enemy.&quot; &quot;Get thee behind me, Satan!&quot; exclaims Jesus, rebuking the taunting apostle.(Gospel according to Mark, viii. 33.) There is a tradition in the Greek Church which has never found favor at the Vatican. The former traces its origin to one of the Gnostic leaders — Basilides, perhaps, who lived under Trajan and Adrian, at the end of the first and the beginning of the second century. With regard to this particular tradition, if the Gnostic is Basilides, then he must be accepted as a sufficient authority, having claimed to have been a disciple of the Apostle Matthew, and to have had for master Glaucias, a disciple of St. Peter himself...  
**[[H.P. Blavatsky|H.P. Blavatsky]], ''[[w:Isis Unveiled|Isis Unveiled]]'', Vol. II, Chapter III], p.125, (1877)

*This tradition, then, of which we have been speaking, affirms that, when frightened at the accusation of the servant of the high priest, the apostle had thrice denied his master, and the cock had crowed, Jesus, who was then passing through the hall in custody of the soldiers, turned, and, looking at Peter, said: &quot;Verily, I say unto thee, Peter, thou shalt deny me throughout the coming ages, and never stop until thou shalt be old, and shalt stretch forth thy hands, and another shall gird thee and carry thee whither thou wouldst not.&quot; The latter part of this sentence, say the Greeks, relates to the Church of Rome, and prophesies her constant apostasy from Christ, under the mask of false religion. Later, it was inserted in the twenty-first chapter of John, but the whole of this chapter had been pronounced a forgery, even before it was found that this Gospel was never written by John the Apostle at all. 
**[[H.P. Blavatsky|H.P. Blavatsky]], ''[[w:Isis Unveiled|Isis Unveiled]]'', Vol. II, Chapter III], p. 125, (1877)

*All the civilized portion of the [[Paganism|Pagans]] who knew of Jesus honored him as a [[philosopher]], an adept whom they placed on the same level with [[Pythagoras]] and [[Apollonius]]. Whence such a veneration on their part for a man, were he simply, as represented by the Synoptics, a poor, unknown Jewish carpenter from Nazareth? As an incarnated God there is no single record of him on this earth capable of withstanding the critical examination of science; as one of the greatest reformers, an inveterate enemy of every theological dogmatism, a persecutor of bigotry, a teacher of one of the most sublime codes of ethics, Jesus is one of the grandest and most clearly-defined figures on the panorama of human history. His age may, with every day, be receding farther and farther back into the gloomy and hazy mists of the past; and his theology — based on human fancy and supported by untenable dogmas may, nay, must with every day lose more of its unmerited prestige; alone the grand figure of the philosopher and moral reformer instead of growing paler will become with every century more pronounced and more clearly defined. It will reign supreme and universal only on that day when the whole of humanity recognizes but one father — the unknown one above — and one brother — the whole of mankind below.
*[[H.P. Blavatsky]], ''Isis Unveiled: A Master-Key to the Mysteries of Ancient and Modern Science and Theology,'' Vol. II, [https://www.theosociety.org/pasadena/isis/iu2-03.htm Chapter III], p. 150 (1877)

* This gem is in the collection of the author of &quot;The Gnostics and their Remains.&quot; See p. 201.
† &quot;Heresies,&quot; xxvii.
151 — THE LONG-HAIRED NAZARENES.
father — the unknown one above — and one brother — the whole of mankind below.

* '''Our Lord Jesus [[w:Christ|Christ]], a little before his departure, commissioned his apostles to ''Go'', and ''teach all nations;'' or, as another evangelist expresses it, ''Go into all the world, and preach the gospel to every creature.''''' This commission was as extensive as possible, and laid them under obligation to disperse themselves into every country of the habitable globe, and preach to all the inhabitants, without exception, or limitation. They accordingly went forth in obedience to the command, and the power of God evidently wrought with them.
** [[William Carey]], '''An Enquiry into the Obligations of Christians to Use Means for the Conversion of the Heathens (1792)’’ Sect. I : ''An Enquiry whether the Commission given by our Lord to his Disciples be not still binding on us.''

* [N]either antiquity nor any other nation has imagined a more atrocious and blasphemous absurdity than that of eating God. This is how Christians treat the autocrat of the universe.
** [[Frederick II of Prussia|Frederick the Great]], ''Letters of Voltaire and Frederick the Great'' (New York: Brentano's, 1927), transl. [[w:Richard Aldington|Richard Aldington]], letter 215 from [[Frederick II of Prussia|Frederick]] to [[Voltaire]] (19 March 1776)

* The ancient and popular doctrine of the Millennium was intimately connected with the second coming of Christ. As the works of the creation had been finished in six days, their duration in their present state, according to a tradition which was attributed to the prophet Elijah, was fixed to six thousand years. By the same analogy it was inferred that this long period of labour and contention, which was now almost elapsed, would be succeeded by a joyful Sabbath of a thousand years; and that Christ, with the triumphant band of the saints and the elect who had escaped death, or who had been miraculously revived, would reign upon earth till the time appointed for the last and general resurrection. So pleasing was this hope to the mind of believers, that the new Jerusalem, the seat of this blissful kingdom, was quickly adorned with all the gayest colours of the imagination. … Though it might not be universally received, it appears to have been the reigning sentiment of the orthodox believers; and it seems so well adapted to the desires and apprehensions of mankind, that it must have contributed in a very considerable degree to the progress of the Christian faith. But when the edifice of the church was almost completed, the temporary support was laid aside. The doctrine of Christ's reign upon earth was at first treated as a profound allegory, was considered by degrees as a doubtful and useless opinion, and was at length rejected as the absurd invention of heresy and fanaticism. A mysterious prophecy, which still forms a part of the sacred canon, but which was thought to favour the exploded sentiment, has very narrowly escaped the proscription of the church.
** [[Edward Gibbon]] (1788), ''[[w:The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire|The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire]]'', [http://www.ccel.org/ccel/gibbon/decline/files/volume1/chap15.htm 1, Chap.&amp;nbsp;15], on the progress of the Christian religion, and the sentiments, manners, numbers, and condition of the primitive Christians [http://www.ccel.org/ccel/gibbon/decline/files/volume1/chap15.htm]

* How shall we excuse the supine inattention of the Pagan and philosophic world to those evidences which were presented by the hand of Omnipotence, not to their reason, but to their senses? During the age of Christ, of his apostles, and of their first disciples, the doctrine which they preached was confirmed by innumerable prodigies. The lame walked, the blind saw, the sick were healed, the dead were raised, daemons were expelled, and the laws of Nature were frequently suspended for the benefit of the church. &lt;br/&gt; … Under the reign of Tiberius, the whole earth, or at least a celebrated province of the Roman empire, was involved in a preternatural darkness of three hours. Even this miraculous event, which ought to have excited the wonder, the curiosity, and the devotion of mankind, passed without notice in an age of science and history. It happened during the lifetime of Seneca and the elder Pliny, who must have experienced the immediate effects, or received the earliest intelligence, of the prodigy. Each of these philosophers, in a laborious work, has recorded all the great phenomena of Nature, earthquakes, meteors, comets, and eclipses, which his indefatigable curiosity could collect. Both the one and the other have omitted to mention the greatest phenomenon to which the mortal eye has been witness since the creation of the globe.
** [[Edward Gibbon]] (1788), ''[[w:The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire|The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire]]'', [http://www.ccel.org/ccel/gibbon/decline/files/volume1/chap15.htm 1, Chap.&amp;nbsp;15], on the progress of the Christian religion, and the sentiments, manners, numbers, and condition of the primitive Christians [http://www.ccel.org/ccel/gibbon/decline/files/volume1/chap15.htm]

* I doubt whether the people of this country would suffer an execution for heresy, or a three years imprisonment for not comprehending the mysteries of the trinity.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], ''Notes on Virginia'', 1782. Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-04_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;4], p.&amp;nbsp;81

* You will next read the new testament. It is the history of a personage called Jesus. Keep in your eye the opposite pretensions I. of those who say he was begotten by god, born of a virgin, suspended &amp; reversed the laws of nature at will, &amp; ascended bodily into heaven: and 2. of those who say he was a man of illegitimate birth, of a benevolent heart, enthusiastic mind, who set out without pretensions to divinity, ended in believing them, &amp; was Punished capitally for sedition by being gibbeted according to the Roman law which punished the first commission of that offence by whipping, &amp; the second by exile or death in ''furcâ''. … '''Do not be frightened from this inquiry by any fear of it's consequences. If it ends in a belief that there is no god, you will find incitements to virtue in the comfort &amp; pleasantness you feel in it's exercise, and the love of others which it will procure you.''' If you find reason to believe there is a god, a consciousness that you are acting under his eye, &amp; that he approves you, will be a vast additional incitement; if that there be a future state, the hope of a happy existence in that increases the appetite to deserve it; if that Jesus was also a god, you will be comforted by a belief of his aid and love. In fine, I repeat that you must lay aside all prejudice on both sides, &amp; neither believe nor reject anything because any other persons, or description of persons have rejected or believed it. Your own reason is the only oracle given you by heaven, and you are answerable not for the rightness but uprightness of the decision. I forgot to observe '''when speaking of the new testament that you should read all the histories of Christ, as well of those whom a council of ecclesiastics have decided for us to be Pseudo-evangelists, as those they named Evangelists.''' Because these Pseudo-evangelists pretended to inspiration as much as the others, and you are to judge their pretensions by your own reason, &amp; not by the reason of those ecclesiastics. Most of these are lost. There are some however still extant, collected by Fabricius which I will endeavor to get &amp; send you.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], Letter to Peter Carr, August 10, 1787. Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-05_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;5], pp.&amp;nbsp;324–327

* [Jesus] claims that not the observance of outer civil or statutory churchly duties but the pure moral disposition of the heart alone can make man well-pleasing to God (Matthew V, 20-48); … that injury done one’s neighbor can be repaired only through satisfaction rendered to the neighbor himself, not through acts of divine worship (V, 24). Thus, he says, does he intend to do full justice to the Jewish law (V, 17); whence it is obvious that not scriptural scholarship but the pure religion of reason must be the law’s interpreter, for taken according to the letter, it allowed the very opposite of all this. Furthermore, he does not leave unnoticed, in his designations of the strait gate and the narrow way, the misconstruction of the law which men allow themselves in order to evade their true moral duty, holding themselves immune through having fulfilled their churchly duty (VII, 13). He further requires of these pure dispositions that they manifest themselves also in works (VII, 16) and, on the other hand, denies the insidious hope of those who imagine that, through invocation and praise of the Supreme Lawgiver in the person of His envoy, they will make up for their lack of good works and ingratiate themselves into favor (VII, 21). Regarding these works he declares that they ought to be performed publicly, as an example for imitation (V, 16), and in a cheerful mood, not as actions extorted from slaves (VI, 16); and that thus, from a small beginning in the sharing and spreading of such dispositions, religion, like a grain of seed in good soil, or a ferment of goodness, would gradually, through its inner power, grow into a kingdom of God (XIII, 31-33).
** [[Immanuel Kant]], ''[[w:Religion within the Bounds of Bare Reason|Religion within the Limits of Reason Alone]]'', Book IV, Part 1, Section 1, “The Christian religion as a natural religion,” as translated by Theodore M. Greene

* Let us suppose there was a teacher of whom an historical record (or, at least, a widespread belief which is not basically disputable) reports that he was the first to expound publicly a pure and searching religion, comprehensible to the whole world. … Suppose that all he did was done even in the face of a dominant ecclesiastical faith which was onerous and not conducive to moral ends (a faith whose perfunctory worship can serve as a type of all the other faiths, at bottom merely statutory, which were current in the world at the time). Suppose, further, we find that he had made this universal religion of reason the highest and indispensable condition of every religious faith whatsoever … and this without further adding to this faith burdensome new ordinances or wishing to transform acts which he had initiated into peculiar holy practices, required in themselves as being constituent elements of religion. After this description one will not fail to recognize the person who can be referenced, not indeed as the founder of the religion which, free from every dogma, is engraved in all men’s hearts (for it does not have its origin in an arbitrary will), but as the founder of the first true church.
** [[Immanuel Kant]], ''[[w:Religion within the Bounds of Bare Reason|Religion within the Limits of Reason Alone]]'', Book IV, Part 1, Section 1, “The Christian religion as a natural religion,” as translated by Theodore M. Greene

* While [Jesus] was living the day today, how did he manage to protect himself against the enemy that would attack him from the rear, namely the next day – just because he had the eternal with him in his today in a sense totally different from the way any human being has, for that very reason he turned his back on the next day. '''How did he manage?''' Far be it from us presumptuously to try to gain popularity by fathoming what should not be fathomed. We do not believe that he came to the world in order to give us subjects for erudite research. He came into the world to set the task, in order to leave a footprint so that we would learn from him. 
** [[Soren Kierkegaard]], Christian Discourses (Christelige Taler) Apr 26, 1848 Hong translation 1997 P. 76-77  

* What have we learned from this false thing called &quot;revealed religion&quot;? Absolutely nothing that is useful to man, and everything that is dishonorable to God. What does the Bible teach us?—rapine, cruelty, and murder. What does the New Testament teach us?—to believe that God had sex with a woman engaged to be married. The belief in this debauchery is what is called faith.
** [[w:Thomas Paine|Thomas Paine]], ''[[s:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794)

* Every national church or religion has established itself by pretending some special mission from God, communicated to certain individuals. The Jews have their Moses; the Christians their Jesus Christ, their apostles and saints; and the Turks their Mahomet; as if the way to God was not open to every man alike. &lt;br/&gt; Each of those churches shows certain books, which they call ''revelation'', or the Word of God. The Jews say that their Word of God was given by God to Moses face to face; the Christians say, that their Word of God came by divine inspiration; and the Turks say, that their Word of God (the Koran) was brought by an angel from heaven. Each of those churches accuses the other of unbelief; and, for my own part, I disbelieve them all.
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[w:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794) [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Home3/HTML.php?recordID=0548.04]

* Having thus made an insurrection and a battle in heaven, in which none of the combatants could be either killed or wounded — put Satan into the pit — let him out again — given him a triumph over the whole creation — damned all mankind by the eating of an apple, these Christian mythologists bring the two ends of their fable together. They represent this virtuous and amiable man, Jesus Christ, to be at once both God and man, and also the Son of God, celestially begotten, on purpose to be sacrificed, because they say that Eve in her longing had eaten an apple.
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[w:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794) [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Home3/HTML.php?recordID=0548.04]

* If I owe a person money, and cannot pay him, and he threatens to put me in prison, another person can take the debt upon himself, and pay it for me. But if I have committed a crime, every circumstance of the case is changed. Moral justice cannot take the innocent for the guilty even if the innocent would offer itself. To suppose justice to do this, is to destroy the principle of its existence, which is the thing itself. It is then no longer justice. It is indiscriminate revenge.
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[w:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794) [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Home3/HTML.php?recordID=0548.04]

* As to the Christian system of faith, it appears to me as a species of atheism; a sort of religious denial of God. It professes to believe in a man rather than in God. It is a compound made up chiefly of man-ism with but little deism, and is as near to atheism as twilight is to darkness. It introduces between man and his Maker an opaque body, which it calls a redeemer[.]
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[w:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794) [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Home3/HTML.php?recordID=0548.04]

* The most extraordinary of all the things called miracles, related in the New Testament, is that of the devil flying away with Jesus Christ, and carrying him to the top of a high mountain; and to the top of the highest pinnacle of the temple, and showing him and promising to him ''all the kingdoms of the world''. How happened it that he did not discover America? or is it only with ''kingdoms'' that his sooty highness has any interest.
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[w:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794) [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Home3/HTML.php?recordID=0548.04]

* Here then is the whole story, foolish as it is, of this child and this virgin; and it is upon the barefaced perversion of this story that the book of Matthew, and the impudence and sordid interest of priests in later times, have founded a theory, which they call the gospel; and have applied this story to signify the person they call Jesus Christ; begotten, they say, by a ghost, whom they call holy, on the body of a woman, engaged in marriage, and afterwards married, whom they call a virgin, seven hundred years after this foolish story was told; a theory which, speaking for myself, I hesitate not to believe, and to say, is as fabulous and as false as God is true. … &lt;br/&gt; It is not then the existence or the non-existence, of the persons that I trouble myself about; it is the fable of Jesus Christ, as told in the New Testament, and the wild and visionary doctrine raised thereon, against which I contend. The story, taking it as it is told, is blasphemously obscene. It gives an account of a young woman engaged to be married, and while under this engagement, she is, to speak plain language, debauched by a ghost, under the impious pretence, (Luke i. 35,) that &quot;the Holy Ghost shall come upon thee, and the power of the Highest shall overshadow thee.&quot; Notwithstanding which, Joseph afterwards marries her, cohabits with her as his wife, and in his turn rivals the ghost. This is putting the story into intelligible language, and when told in this manner, there is not a priest but must be ashamed to own it
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[w:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794) [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Home3/HTML.php?recordID=0548.04]

* Matthew says, that the angel that was sitting upon the stone on the outside of the sepulchre told the two Marys that Christ was risen, and that the women went ''away'' quickly. Mark says, that the women, upon seeing the stone rolled away, and wondering at it, went ''into'' the sepulchre, and that it was the angel that was ''sitting'' within on the right side, that told them so. Luke says, it was the two angels that were standing up; and John says, it was Jesus Christ himself that told it to Mary Magdalene; and that she did not go into the sepulchre, but only stooped down and looked in. &lt;br/&gt; Now, if the writers of these four books had gone into a court of justice to prove an ''alibi'', (for it is of the nature of an alibi that is here attempted to be proved, namely, the absence of a dead body by supernatural means,) and had they given their evidence in the same contradictory manner as it is here given, they would have been in danger of having their ears cropt for perjury, and would have justly deserved it. Yet this is the evidence, and these are the books, that have been imposed upon the world as being given by divine inspiration, and as the unchangeable word of God.
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[w:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794) [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Home3/HTML.php?recordID=0548.04]

*One could wish no easier death than that of Socrates, calmly discussing philosophy with his friends; one could fear nothing worse than that of Jesus, dying in torment, among the insults, the mockery, the curses of the whole nation. In the midst of these terrible sufferings, Jesus prays for his cruel murderers. Yes, if the life and death of Socrates are those of a philosopher, the life and death of Christ are those of a God.
** [[Jean-Jacques Rousseau]], ''[http://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/5427 Émile: Or, On Education]'' (1762), Book IV

===The Nineteenth Century===
[[File:Ribe domkirke prædikestol.jpg|thumb|A church order with priesthood, theology, cult and sacraments ... everything Jesus of Nazareth fought against. ~ [[Friedrich Nietzsche]]]]
:&lt;small&gt;Alphabetized by author&lt;/small&gt;

* I almost shudder at the thought of alluding to the most fatal example of the abuses of grief which the history of mankind has preserved — the Cross. Consider what calamities that engine of grief has produced!
** [[John Adams]], letter to [[Thomas Jefferson]] (September 3, 1816). Published in ''[http://books.google.com/books?vid=ISBN0807842303&amp;id=SzSWYPOz6M8C&amp;pg=PP1&amp;lpg=PP1&amp;ots=kTAZL3ImRq&amp;dq=%22Adams-Jefferson+letters%22&amp;sig=tVGzBe0XVhXaF2p0FQLGy4GK6bk#PRA2-PR17,M1 Adams-Jefferson Letters: The Complete Correspondence Between Thomas Jefferson and Abigail and John Adams]'' (UNC&amp;nbsp;Press, 1988), p.&amp;nbsp;488

* Jesus! How does the very word overflow with sweetness, and light, and love, and life; filling the air with odors, like precious ointment poured forth; irradiating the mind with a glory of truths on which no fear can live, soothing the wounds of the heart with a balm that turns the sharpest anguish into delicious peace, shedding through the soul a cordial of immortal strength. Jesus! the answer to all our. doubts, the spring of all our courage, the earnest of all our hopes, the charm omnipotent against all our foes, the remedy for all weakness, the supply of all our wants, the fullness of all our desires. Jesus! at the mention of whose name every knee shall bow and every tongue confess. Jesus! our power; Jesus! our righteousness, our sanctification, our redemption — Jesus! our elder brother, our blessed Lord and Redeemer. Thy name is the most transporting theme of the church, as they sing going up from the valley of tears, to their home on the mount of God; Thy name shall ever be the richest chord in the harmony of heaven, while the angels and the redeemed unite their exulting, adoring songs around the throne of God.
** [[George Washington Bethune]], reported in Josiah Hotchkiss Gilbert, ''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895), p. 54.

* The principle of [[brotherhood]] expounded by the agitator of Nazareth preserved the germ of life, of truth and justice, so long as it was the beacon light of [[Minority|the few]]. The moment the [[majority]] seized upon it, that great principle became a shibboleth and harbinger of blood and fire, spreading suffering and disaster.
** [[Emma Goldman]], ''{{w|Anarchism and Other Essays}}, [[:wikisource:Anarchism and Other Essays/2|Minorities Versus Majorities]], 1910, ''Mother Earth Publishing''

* The Man of Galilee, the Carpenter, the workingman who became the revolutionary agitator of his day soon found himself to be an undesirable citizen in the eyes of the ruling knaves and they had him crucified.
** [[Eugene V. Debs]], &quot;[http://www.marxists.org/archive/debs/works/1918/canton.htm The Canton, Ohio Speech, Anti-War Speech]&quot; in ''The Call'' (16 June 1918)

* I want to say to you, about myself, that I am a child of this age, a child of unfaith and scepticism, and probably (indeed I know it) shall remain so to the end of my life. How dreadfully has it tormented me (and torments me even now) this longing for faith, which is all the stronger for the proofs I have against it. And yet God gives me sometimes moments of perfect peace; in such moments I love and believe that I am loved; in such moments I have formulated my creed, wherein all is clear and holy to me. This creed is extremely simple; here it is: I believe that there is nothing lovelier, deeper, more sympathetic, more rational, more manly, and more perfect than the Saviour; I say to myself with jealous love that not only is there no one else like Him, but that there could be no one. I would even say more: '''If anyone could prove to me that [[Christ]] is outside the [[truth]], and if the truth really did exclude Christ, I should prefer to stay with Christ and not with truth.'''
** [[Fyodor Dostoevsky]] Letter To Mme. N. D. Fonvisin (1854), as published in Letters of Fyodor Michailovitch Dostoevsky to his Family and Friends (1914), translated by Ethel Golburn Mayne, Letter XXI, p. 71 [[http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Fyodor_Dostoevsky]]

* The divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity. Nowhere in the Gospels do we find a precept for Creeds, Confessions, Oaths, Doctrines, and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in Christianity.
** [[John Adams]], letter to [[Thomas Jefferson]]. Published in ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=26V5sFshT_4C&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;dq=%22The+Quotable+John+Adams%22#v=onepage&amp;q=&amp;f=false The Quotable John Adams]'' (Globe Pequot, 2008), p.&amp;nbsp;185ff

* Why is it that, next to the birthday of the Savior of the world, your most joyous and most venerated festival returns on this day [the Fourth of July]? Is it not that, in the chain of human events, the birthday of the nation is indissolubly linked with the birthday of the Savior? That it forms a leading event in the progress of the Gospel dispensation? Is it not that the Declaration of Independence first organized the social compact on the foundation of the Redeemer's mission upon earth? That it laid the cornerstone of human government upon the first precepts of Christianity?
** [[John Quincy Adams]] (1837, during a speech at Newburyport, Massachusetts. From: [http://www.eadshome.com/QuotesoftheFounders.htm])

* '''If there ever was an [[Christian anarchism|anarchist]] on Earth the gospel Jesus was one.'''
** Frank S. Billings, ''How Shall the Rich Escape?'' (1894), p. 54

* I know men and I tell you that Jesus Christ is no mere man. Between him and every other person in the world there is no possible term of comparison. [[Alexander the Great|Alexander]], [[Julius Caesar|Caesar]], [[Charlemagne]], and I, founded empires. But on what did we rest the creations of our genius? Upon force. Jesus Christ founded His empire upon love; and at this hour millions of people would die for Him.
** [[Napoleon Bonaparte]]

* My dear children, I am very anxious that you should know something about the History of Jesus Christ. For everybody ought to know about Him. No one ever lived, who was so good, so kind, so gentle, and so sorry for all people who did wrong, or were in any way ill or miserable, as he was. And as He is now in Heaven, where we hope to go, and all to meet each other after we are dead, and there be happy always together, you never can think what a good place Heaven is, without knowing who he was and what he did.
** [[Charles Dickens]], ''The Life of Our Lord'' (1849), Chapter 1, opening paragraph

*He comes silently and unannounced; yet all--how strange--yea, all recognize Him, at once! The population rushes towards Him as if propelled by some irresistible force; it surrounds, throngs, and presses around, it follows Him.... Silently, and with a smile of boundless compassion upon His lips, He crosses the dense crowd, and moves softly on. The Sun of Love burns in His heart, and warm rays of Light, Wisdom and Power beam forth from His eyes, and pour down their waves upon the swarming multitudes of the rabble assembled around, making their hearts vibrate with returning love.
*He pauses at the portal of the old cathedral, just as a wee white coffin is carried in, with tears and great lamentations. The lid is off, and in the coffin lies the body of a fair-child, seven years old... 'He will raise the child to life!' confidently shouts the crowd to the weeping mother. The officiating priest... looks perplexed, and frowns... The procession halts, and the little coffin is gently lowered at his feet. Divine compassion beams forth from His eyes, and as He looks at the child, His lips are heard to whisper once more, 'Talitha Cumi'--and 'straightway the damsel arose.' The child rises in her coffin...and, looking round with large astonished eyes she smiles sweetly...
*A terrible commotion rages among them, the populace shouts and loudly weeps, when suddenly, before the cathedral door, appears the Cardinal Grand Inquisitor himself... He pauses before the crowd and observes. He has seen all. He has witnessed the placing of the little coffin at His feet, the calling back to life. And now, his dark, grim face has grown still darker; his bushy grey eyebrows nearly meet, and his sunken eye flashes with sinister light. Slowly raising his finger, he commands his minions to arrest Him...
*The Grand Inquisitor... addresses Him in these words: &quot;'It is Thou! ... Thou!' ... Receiving no reply, he rapidly continues: 'Nay, answer not; be silent! ... And what couldst Thou say? ... I know but too well Thy answer.... Besides, Thou hast no right to add one syllable to that which was already uttered by Thee before.... Why shouldst Thou now return, to impede us in our work?... But art Thou as well aware of what awaits Thee in the morning?...to-morrow I will condemn and burn Thee on the stake, as the most wicked of all the heretics...
*...his words mean, in short: 'Everything was given over by Thee to the Pope, and everything now rests with him alone; Thou hast no business to return and thus hinder us in our work.' In this sense the Jesuits not only talk but write likewise.
*He [the Grand Inquisitor] seriously regards it as a great service done by himself, his brother monks and Jesuits, to humanity, to have conquered and subjected unto their authority that freedom, and boasts that it was done but for the good of the world... Man is born a rebel, and can rebels be ever happy?... 
*Having disburdened his heart, the Inquisitor waits for some time to hear his prisoner speak in His turn... The old man longs to hear His voice, to hear Him reply; better words of bitterness and scorn than His silence. Suddenly He rises; slowly and silently approaching the Inquisitor, He bends towards him and softly kisses the bloodless, four-score and-ten-year-old lips. That is all the answer.
**[[Feodor Dostoevsky]] in [https://onlinebooks.library.upenn.edu/webbin/gutbook/lookup?num=8578 ''The Grand Inquisitor''], (1879–1880)  

* One sacrifice, however great, is insufficient to pay the debt of sin. The atonement requires constant self-immolation on the sinner’s part. That God’s wrath should be vented upon His beloved Son, is divinely unnatural. Such a theory is man-made. … The material blood of Jesus was no more efficacious to cleanse from sin when it was shed upon ‘the accursed tree,’ than when it was flowing in his veins as he went daily about his Father’s business. … His disciples believed Jesus to be dead while he was hidden in the sepulchre, whereas he was alive[.]
** [[Mary Baker Eddy]] (1867), Founder of the [[w:Church of Christ, Scientist|Church of Christ, Scientist]], ''[[w:Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures|Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures]]'', pp. 23:3–6, 25:6–8, 44:28–29

* It is plain that God does not employ drugs or hygiene, nor provide them for human use; else Jesus would have recommended and employed them in his healing. The sick are more deplorably lost than the sinning, if the sick cannot rely on God for help and the sinning can. … The universal belief in physics weighs against the high and mighty truths of Christian metaphysics. This erroneous general belief, which sustains medicine and produces all medical results, works against Christian Science[.] … If we would heal by the Spirit, we must not hide the talent of spiritual healing under the napkin of its form. … The tender word and Christian encouragement of an invalid, pitiful patience with his fears and the removal of them, are better than hecatombs of gushing theories, stereotyped borrowed speeches, and the doling of arguments, which are but so many parodies on legitimate Christian Science, aflame with divine Love.
** [[Mary Baker Eddy]] (1867), Founder of the [[w:Church of Christ, Scientist|Church of Christ, Scientist]] on the denial of drugs, hygiene, and medicine to the sick and their replacement by spiritual healing, ''[[w:Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures|Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures]]'', pp. 143:5, 155:15

* The theory of three person in one God (that is, a personal Trinity or Tri-unity) suggests polytheism, rather than the one ever-present I AM. … Jesus Christ is not God, as Jesus himself declared, but is the Son of God.
** [[Mary Baker Eddy]] (1867), Founder of the [[w:Church of Christ, Scientist|Church of Christ, Scientist]], ''[[w:Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures|Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures]]'', pp. 256:9–11, 361:11–13

* '''Christ saw much in this world to weep over, and much to pray over: but he saw nothing in it to look upon with contempt.'''
** [[Edwin Hubbell Chapin]] as quoted in ''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895) by Josiah Hotchkiss Gilbert, p. 160

*As to Jesus of Nazareth, my Opinion of whom you particularly desire, I think the System of Morals and his Religion, as he left them to us, the best the world ever saw or is likely to see; but I apprehend it has received various corrupt changes...
**[[Benjamin Franklin]], quoted in ''Benjamin Franklin: An Exploration of a Life of Science and Service'' (1938) by [[Carl Van Doren]], p. 777.

* '''The spirit of contempt is the true spirit of Antichrist; for no other is more directly opposed to Christ.'''
** [[Henry Giles]], as quoted in ''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895) by Josiah Hotchkiss Gilbert, p. 160

* '''[[w:Christ|Christ]] plays in ten thousand places, &lt;br /&gt; Lovely in limbs, and lovely in eyes not his &lt;br /&gt; To the Father through the features of men's faces.'''
** [[Gerard Manley Hopkins]], in [http://www.embodiment-of-freedom.com/persfree/hopkins.html &quot;As Kingfishers Catch Fire, Dragonflies Draw Flame&quot;] (undated poem, ''c''. March–April 1877)

* He saw his followers using the instruments of pain. He heard the groans — saw the faces white with agony. He heard the shrieks and sobs and cries of all the moaning, martyred multitudes. He knew that commentaries would be written on his words with swords, to be read by the light of fagots. He knew that the Inquisition would be born of the teachings attributed to him.&lt;p&gt;He saw the interpolations and falsehoods that hypocrisy would write and tell. He saw all wars that would be waged, and he knew that above these fields of death, these dungeons, these rackings, these burnings, these executions, for a thousand years would float the dripping banner of the cross.&lt;p&gt;He knew that hypocrisy would be robed and crowned — that cruelty and credulity would rule the world; knew that liberty would perish from the earth; knew that popes and kings in his name would enslave the souls and bodies of men; knew that they would persecute and destroy the discoverers, thinkers and inventors; knew that his church would extinguish reason's holy light and leave the world without a star.&lt;p&gt;He saw his disciples extinguishing the eyes of men, flaying them alive, cutting out their tongues, searching for all the nerves of pain.&lt;p&gt;He knew that in his name his followers would trade in human flesh; that cradles would be robbed and women's breasts unbabed for gold.&lt;p&gt;And yet he died with voiceless lips.
** [[Robert Green Ingersoll]], ''About the Holy Bible'' (1894)
** More concisely put in ''A Christmas Sermon'': '''If Christ was in fact God, he knew the persecutions that would be carried on in his name; he knew the millions that would suffer death through torture; and yet he died without saying one word to prevent what he must have known, if he were God, would happen.'''

* '''His parentage was obscure; his condition poor; his education null; his natural endowments great; his life correct and innocent: he was meek, benevolent, patient, firm, disinterested, &amp; of the sublimest eloquence.''' &lt;br /&gt; The disadvantages under which his doctrines appear are remarkable. &lt;br /&gt; 1. Like [[Socrates]] &amp; [[Epictetus]], he wrote nothing himself. &lt;br /&gt; 2. But he had not, like them, a [[w:Xenophon|Xenophon]] or an [[w:Arrian|Arrian]] to write for him. On the contrary, all the learned of his country, entrenched in its power and riches, were opposed to him, lest his labors should undermine their advantages; and the committing to writing his life &amp; doctrines fell on the most unlettered &amp; ignorant men; who wrote, too, from memory, &amp; not till long after the transactions had passed. &lt;br /&gt; 3. According to the ordinary fate of those who attempt to enlighten and reform mankind, he fell an early victim to the jealousy &amp; combination of the altar and the throne, at about 33. years of age, his reason having not yet attained the maximum of its energy, nor the course of his preaching, which was but of 3. years at most, presented occasions for developing a complete system of morals. &lt;br /&gt; 4. Hence the doctrines which he really delivered were defective as a whole, and fragments only of what he did deliver have come to us mutilated, misstated, &amp; often unintelligible. &lt;br /&gt; 5. They have been still more disfigured by the corruptions of schismatising followers, who have found an interest in sophisticating &amp; perverting the simple doctrines he taught by engrafting on them the mysticisms of a Grecian sophist, frittering them into subtleties, &amp; obscuring them with jargon, until they have caused good men to reject the whole in disgust, &amp; to view Jesus himself as an impostor. &lt;br /&gt; Notwithstanding these disadvantages, a system of morals is presented to us, which, if filled up in the true style and spirit of the rich fragments he left us, would be the most perfect and sublime that has ever been taught by man. &lt;br /&gt; The question of his being a member of the Godhead, or in direct communication with it, claimed for him by some of his followers, and denied by others, is foreign to the present view, which is merely an estimate of the intrinsic merit of his doctrines. &lt;br /&gt; 1. He corrected the Deism of the Jews, confirming them in their belief of one only God, and giving them juster notions of his attributes and government. &lt;br /&gt; 2. His moral doctrines, relating to kindred &amp; friends, were more pure &amp; perfect than those of the most correct of the philosophers, and greatly more so than those of the Jews; and they went far beyond both in inculcating universal philanthropy, not only to kindred and friends, to neighbors and countrymen, but to all mankind, gathering all into one family, under the bonds of love, charity, peace, common wants and common aids. A development of this head will evince the peculiar superiority of the system of Jesus over all others. &lt;br /&gt; 3. The precepts of philosophy, &amp; of the Hebrew code, laid hold of actions only. He pushed his scrutinies into the heart of man; erected his tribunal in the region of his thoughts, and purified the waters at the fountain head. &lt;br /&gt; 4. He taught, emphatically, the doctrines of a future state, which was either doubted, or disbelieved by the Jews; and wielded it with efficacy, as an important incentive, supplementary to the other motives to moral conduct.
**[[Thomas Jefferson]], '[http://www.positiveatheism.org/hist/jeff1122.htm &quot;Syllabus of an Estimate of the Merit of the Doctrines of jesus, Compared with Those of Others&quot; in a letter to Benjamin Rush (12 April 1803)]. Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-09_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;9 ''Works'' Vol. 9 (PDF)], pp.&amp;nbsp;462.

* The Christian priesthood, finding the doctrines of Christ levelled to every understanding, and too plain to need explanation, saw in the mysticism of Plato, materials with which they might build up an artificial system, which might, from its indistinctness, admit everlasting controversy, give employment for their order, and introduce it to profit, power and pre-eminence. The doctrines which flowed from the lips of Jesus himself are within the comprehension of a child ; but thousands of volumes have not yet explained the Platonisms engrafted on them; and for this obvious reason, that nonsense can never be explained.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], letter to [[w:John Adams|John Adams]] (July 5, 1814). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-11_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;11], pp.&amp;nbsp;397–398.

* 48: And about the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, saying, '''''Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?''''' that is to say, '''My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?'''
:49: Some of them that stood there, when they heard that, said, This man calleth for Elias.
:50: And straightway one of them ran, and took a spunge, and filled it with vinegar, and put it on a reed, and gave him to drink.
:51: The rest said, Let be, let us see whether Elias will come to save him.
:52: Jesus, when he had cried again with a loud voice, yielded up the ghost.
:53: And many women were there beholding afar off, which followed Jesus from Galilee, ministering unto him:
:54: Among which was Mary Magdalene, and Mary the mother of James and Joses, and the mother of Zebedee's children.
:55: The Jews therefore, because it was the preparation, that the bodies should not remain upon the cross on the sabbath day, (for that sabbath day was an high day,) besought Pilate that their legs might be broken, and that they might be taken away.
:56: Then came the soldiers, and brake the legs of the first, and of the other which was crucified with him.
:57: But when they came to Jesus, and saw that he was dead already, they brake not his legs:
:58: But one of the soldiers with a spear pierced his side, and forthwith came there out blood and water.
:59: And after this Joseph of Arimathaea, being a disciple of Jesus, but secretly for fear of the Jews, besought Pilate that he might take away the body of Jesus: and Pilate gave him leave. He came therefore, and took the body of Jesus.
:60: And there came also Nicodemus, which at the first came to Jesus by night, and brought a mixture of myrrh and aloes, about an hundred pound weight.
:61: Then took they the body of Jesus, and wound it in linen clothes with the spices, as the manner of the Jews is to bury.
:62: Now in the place where he was crucified there was a garden; and in the garden a new sepulchre, wherein was never man yet laid.
:63: There laid they Jesus,
:64: And rolled a great stone to the door of the sepulchre, and departed.
:* [[Thomas Jefferson]], The &quot;[[w:Jefferson Bible|Jefferson Bible]]&quot; (''[http://etext.lib.virginia.edu/etcbin/toccer-new2?id=JefJesu.sgm&amp;images=images/modeng&amp;data=/texts/english/modeng/parsed&amp;tag=public&amp;part=all The Life and Morals of Jesus of Nazareth]'') on the crucifixion, death, and burial of Jesus, which omits all Biblical passages asserting Jesus' virgin birth, miracles, divinity, and resurrection.

* The priests have so disfigured the simple religion of Jesus that no one who reads the sophistications they have engrafted on it, from the jargon of [[Plato]], of [[Aristotle]] &amp; other mystics, would conceive these could have been fathered on the sublime preacher of the sermon on the mount.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], Letter to [[w:Benjamin Waterhouse|Benjamin Waterhouse]] (October 13, 1815). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-11_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;11], p.&amp;nbsp;492

* I, too, have made a wee-little book from the same materials, which I call the Philosophy of Jesus; it is a paradigma of his doctrines, made by cutting the texts out of the book, and arranging them on the pages of d blank book, in a certain order of time or subject. A more beautiful or precious morsel of ethics I have never seen; it is a document in proof that I am a real Christian, that is to say, a disciple of the doctrines of Jesus, very different from the Platonists, who call me infidel and themselves Christians and preachers of the gospel, while they draw all their characteristic dogmas from what its author never said nor saw. They have compounded from the heathen mysteries a system beyond the comprehension of man, of which the great reformer of the vicious ethics and deism of the Jews, were he to return on earth, would not recognize one feature.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], Letter to [[w:Charles Thomson|Charles Thomson]] (January 9, 1816), on his ''[http://etext.lib.virginia.edu/etcbin/toccer-new2?id=JefJesu.sgm&amp;images=images/modeng&amp;data=/texts/english/modeng/parsed&amp;tag=public&amp;part=all The Life and Morals of Jesus of Nazareth]'' (the &quot;[[w:Jefferson Bible|Jefferson Bible]]&quot;), which omits all Biblical passages asserting Jesus' virgin birth, miracles, divinity, and resurrection. Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-11_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;11], pp.&amp;nbsp;498–499

* The Pennsylvania legislature, who, on a proposition to make the belief in God a necessary qualification for office, rejected it by a great majority, although assuredly there was not a single atheist in their body. And you remember to have heard, that when the act for religious freedom was before the Virginia Assembly, a motion to insert the name of Jesus Christ before the phrase, &quot;the author of our holy religion,&quot; which stood in the bill, was rejected, although that was the creed of a great majority of them.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], Letter to [[w:Albert Gallatin|Albert Gallatin]] (June 16, 1817). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-12_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;12], p.&amp;nbsp;73

* But the greatest of all the reformers of the depraved religion of his own country, was Jesus of Nazareth. '''Abstracting what is really his from the rubbish in which it is buried, easily distinguished by its lustre from the dross of his biographers, and as separable from that as the diamond from the dunghill, we have the outlines of a system of the most sublime morality which has ever fallen from the lips of man; outlines which it is lamentable he did not live to fill up.''' [[Epictetus]] and [[Epicurus]] give laws for governing ourselves, Jesus a supplement of the duties and charities we owe to others. '''The establishment of the innocent and genuine character of this benevolent moralist, and the rescuing it from the imputation of imposture, which has resulted from artificial systems,* invented by ultra-Christian sects, unauthorized by a single word ever uttered by him, is a most desirable object''', and one to which [[Joseph Priestley|Priestley]] has successfully devoted his labors and learning. It would in time, it is to be hoped, effect a quiet euthanasia of the heresies of bigotry and fanaticism which have so long triumphed over human reason, and so generally and deeply afflicted mankind; but this work is to be begun by winnowing the grain from the chaff of the historians of his life. I have sometimes thought of translating Epictetus (for he has never been tolerable translated into English) by adding the genuine doctrines of Epicurus from the Syntagma of Gassendi, and an abstract from the Evangelists of whatever has the stamp of the eloquence and fine imagination of Jesus. The last I attempted too hastily some twelve or fifteen years ago. It was the work of two or three nights only, at Washington, after getting through the evening task of reading the letters and papers of the day. But with one foot in the grave, these are now idle projects for me. My business is to beguile the wearisomeness of declining life, as I endeavor to do, by the delights of classical reading and of mathematical truths, and by the consolations of a sound philosophy, equally indifferent to hope and fear.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], Letter to William Short, October 31, 1819. Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-12_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;12], pp.&amp;nbsp;141–142.
*** Jefferson's footnote on &quot;artificial systems&quot; for this passage: '''*''' ''e.g.'' The immaculate conception of Jesus, his deification, the creation of the world by him, his miraculous powers, his resurrection and visible ascension, his corporeal presence in the Eucharist, the Trinity; original sin, atonement, regeneration, election, orders of Hierarchy, etc. — T.J.

* '''My aim in that was, to justify the character of Jesus against the fictions of his pseudo-followers, which have exposed him to the inference of being an impostor.''' For if we could believe that he really countenanced the follies, the falsehoods and the charlatanisms which his biographers father on him, and admit the misconstructions, interpolations and theorizations of the fathers of the early, and fanatics of the latter ages, the conclusion would be irresistible by every sound mind, that he was an impostor. I give no credit to their falsifications of his actions and doctrines, and to rescue his character, the postulate in my letter asked only what is granted in reading every other historian. When [[Livy]] and [[w:Diodorus Siculus|Siculus]], for example, tell us things which coincide with our experience of the order of nature, we credit them on their word, and place their narrations among the records of credible history. But when they tell us of calves speaking, of statues sweating blood, and other things against the course of nature, we reject these as fables not belonging to history. … '''I say, that this free exercise of reason is all I ask for the vindication of the character of Jesus.''' We find in the writings of his biographers matter of two distinct descriptions. First, a groundwork of vulgar ignorance, of things impossible, of superstitions, fanaticisms and fabrications. Intermixed with these, again, are sublime ideas of the Supreme Being, aphorisms and precepts of the purest morality and benevolence, sanctioned by a life of humility, innocence and simplicity of manners, neglect of riches, absence of worldly ambition and honors, with an eloquence and persuasiveness which have not been surpassed. '''These could not be inventions of the groveling authors who relate them. They are far beyond the powers of their feeble minds. They shew that there was a character, the subject of their history, whose splendid conceptions were above all suspicion of being interpolations from their hands.''' Can we be at a loss in separating such materials, and ascribing each to its genuine author? The difference is obvious to the eye and to the understanding, and we may read as we run to each his part; and I will venture to affirm, that he who, as I have done, will undertake to winnow this grain from its chaff, will find it not to require a moment's consideration. The parts fall asunder of themselves, as would those of an image of metal and clay. … '''There are, I acknowledge, passages not free from objection, which we may, with probability, ascribe to Jesus himself; but claiming indulgence from the circumstances under which he acted.''' His object was the reformation of some articles in the religion of the Jews, as taught by [[Moses]]. That sect had presented for the object of their worship, a being of terrific character, cruel, vindictive, capricious and unjust. Jesus, taking for his type the best qualities of the human head and heart, wisdom, justice, goodness, and adding to them power, ascribed all of these, but in infinite perfection, to the Supreme Being, and formed him really worthy of their adoration. Moses had either not believed in a future state of existence, or had not thought it essential to be explicitly taught to his people. Jesus inculcated that doctrine with emphasis and precision. Moses had bound the Jews to many idle ceremonies, mummeries and observances, of no effect towards producing the social utilities which constitute the essence of virtue; Jesus exposed their futility and insignificance. The one instilled into his people the most anti-social spirit towards other nations; the other preached philanthropy and universal charity and benevolence. The office of reformer of the superstitions of a nation, is ever dangerous. Jesus had to walk on the perilous confines of reason and religion: and a step to right or left might place him within the gripe of the priests of the superstition, a blood thirsty race, as cruel and remorseless as the being whom they represented as the family God of Abraham, of Isaac and of Jacob, and the local God of Israel. They were constantly laying snares, too, to entangle him in the web of the law. He was justifiable, therefore, in avoiding these by evasions, by sophisms, by misconstructions and misapplications of scraps of the prophets, and in defending himself with these their own weapons, as sufficient, ad homines, at least. '''That Jesus did not mean to impose himself on mankind as the son of God, physically speaking, I have been convinced by the writings of men more learned than myself in that lore. But that he might conscientiously believe himself inspired from above, is very possible.'''
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], Letter to William Short, August 4, 1820, on his reason for compiling the ''Syllabus of an Estimate of the Merit of the Doctrines of Jesus''. Published in ''Thomas Jefferson: Writings'', Merrill D. Peterson, ed., New York: Library of America, 1994, pp.&amp;nbsp;1435–1440 [http://www.stephenjaygould.org/ctrl/jefferson_jesus.html]

* '''The doctrines of Jesus are simple, and tend all to the happiness of man.'''
::1. That there is one only God, and he all perfect.
::2, That there is a future state of rewards and punishments.
::3. That to love God with all thy heart and thy neighbor as thyself, is the sum of religion.
:These are the great points on which he endeavored to reform the religion of the Jews. But compare with these the demoralizing dogmas of [[John Calvin|Calvin]].
::1. That there are three Gods.
::2. That good works, or the love of our neighbor, are nothing.
::3. That faith is every thing, and the more incomprehensible the proposition, the more merit in its faith.
::4. That reason in religion is of unlawful use.
::5. That God, from the beginning, elected certain individuals to be saved, and certain others to be damned; and that no crimes of the former can damn them; no virtues of the latter save.
:Now, which of these is the true and charitable Christian? He who believes and acts on the simple doctrines of Jesus? Or the impious dogmatists, as [[w:Athanasius|Athanasius]] and Calvin? Verily I say these are the false shepherds foretold as to enter not by the door into the sheepfold, but to climb up some other way. They are mere usurpers of the Christian name, teaching a counter-religion made up of the deliria of crazy imaginations, as foreign from Christianity as is that of [[Muhammad|Mahomet]]. '''Their blasphemies have driven thinking men into infidelity, who have too hastily rejected the supposed author himself, with the horrors so falsely imputed to him. Had the doctrines of Jesus been preached always as pure as they came from his lips, the whole civilized world would now have been Christian.''' I rejoice that in this blessed country of free inquiry and belief, which has surrendered its creed and conscience to neither kings nor priests, the genuine doctrine of one only God is reviving, and I trust that there is not a young man now living in the United States who will not die an [[w:Unitarianism|Unitarian]].'''
:* [[Thomas Jefferson]], letter to [[w:Benjamin Waterhouse|Benjamin Waterhouse]], (June 26, 1822). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-12_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;12], pp.&amp;nbsp;241–243

* '''The truth is, that the greatest enemies of the doctrine of Jesus are those, calling themselves the expositors of them, who have perverted them to the structure of a system of fancy absolutely incomprehensible, and without any foundation in his genuine words.''' And the day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the supreme being as his father in the womb of a virgin will be classed with the fable of the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter... But may we hope that the dawn of reason and freedom of thought in these United States will do away with this artificial scaffolding, and restore to us the primitive and genuine doctrines of this most venerated reformer of human errors.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], letter to [[John Adams]] (11 April 1823) [http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2005/02/04/opinion/main671823.shtml]

* '''Over the years, alas, it has happened again and again, and the repetition continues, that someone goes ahead, someone for whom another person longs, whom he wishes to follow, but never has any human being, never has any loved one, never has any teacher, never has any friend gone ahead-in order to prepare a place for the one following. Just as the name of Christ is the one and only name in heaven and on earth, so also is Christ the one and only predecessor who has gone ahead in this way. Between heaven and earth there is only one road: to follow Christ. In time and eternity there is only one choice, one single choice: to choose this road. There is only one eternal hope on this earth: to follow Christ into heaven. There is one blessed joy in this life: to follow Christ; in death there is one final blessed joy-to follow Christ to life!''' 
** [[Søren Kierkegaard]] ''Upbuilding Discourses in Various Spirits'' 1847, Hong 1993 p. 229

* '''Christ said: Whoever denies me before people I also will deny before my heavenly Father-even if it were not so, it would still follow solely of itself, follow from the inner urge in the Christian that he would do this. On the other hand, although the confession is commanded and enjoined with the full emphasis of eternity, if the confession is not the consequence of that inner urge, then a confession of that kind is not what is required. Therefore, if someone could presumptuously want to delude himself into thinking that the most sagacious thing, because after all it is required, the most sagacious thing, in view of eternity’s judgment, would be to confess Christ: then such a person does not only not confess Christ but blasphemously distorts him, as if Christ were a vain power seeker who craved a great name in the world. No, that was not why Christ required the confession, and that is not the way he required it. On the contrary, he actually required that his followers have such inwardness that confession follows of itself-when it is required.''' The same inwardness can also be silent and just as pleasing to God, but this same true inwardness surely cannot be silent-when confession is required. Indeed, how could a person’s faith be strong enough to believe unto salvation, strong and disregardful enough in this way (alas, this may be just about the most difficult kind of disregard, to pay no attention to one’s own fantasies about merit or to the mitigating inventions of one’s passions or to the horrifying images of terrified imagination in the consciousness of guilt, but without this disregard one cannot have faith unto salvation) if a person does not have a faith strong and disregardful enough to dare to confess-'''if''' it is required. 
** [[Soren Kierkegaard]] ''Upbuilding Discourses in Various Spirits'' 1847, Hong 1993 p. 321-322

* For God has other Words for other worlds, &lt;br /&gt; But for this world the Word of God is Christ.
** [[w:Harriet King (poet)|Harriet King]], ''The Disciples'' (1873), Ugo Bassi, III (&quot;The Sermon in the Hospital&quot;)

* I know there is a God, and that He hates injustice and slavery. I see the storm coming, and I know that His hand is in it. If He has a place and work for me–and I think He has–I believe I am ready. I am nothing, but truth is everything. I know I am right because I know that liberty is right, for Christ teaches it, and Christ is God. I have told them that a house divided against itself cannot stand, and Christ and reason say the same; and they will find it so. Douglas doesn't care whether slavery is voted up or voted down, but God cares, and humanity cares, and I care; and with God’s help I shall not fail. I may not see the end; but it will come and I shall be vindicated; and these men will find that they have not read their Bibles aright.
:* [[Abraham Lincoln]] anecdote registered by novelist Josiah Gilbert Holland, in his Life of Abraham Lincoln (1866), Chapter XVI, p. 287. University of Nebraska Press, as something that Lincoln said in a conversation with educator Newman Bateman, in the Autumn of 1860.

[[File:Square1.jpg|thumb|All sorrow, labor, suffering, I, tallying it, absorb in myself, &lt;br /&gt; Many times have I been rejected, taunted, put in prison, and crucified, and many times shall be again.. .~ [[Walt Whitman]] in [[Leaves_of_Grass#Chanting_the_Square_Deific|''Leaves of Grass'', &quot;Chanting the Square Deific&quot;]]'' ]]
[[File:Cristo Redentor - Rio.jpg|thumb|My charity has no death — my wisdom dies not, neither early nor late, and my sweet love bequeath'd here and elsewhere never dies. ~ [[Walt Whitman]] in [[Leaves_of_Grass#Chanting_the_Square_Deific|''Leaves of Grass'', &quot;Chanting the Square Deific&quot;]]'' ]]
[[File:William-Adolphe Bouguereau (1825-1905) - Compassion (1897).jpg|thumb|My spirit to yours dear brother, Do not mind because many sounding your name do not understand you, I do not sound your name, but I understand you... ~ [[Walt Whitman]] in [[Leaves_of_Grass#To_Him_That_Was_Crucified_.281860.3B_1881.29|''Leaves of Grass'', &quot;To Him That Was Crucified&quot;]] ]]
* There is truth in Jesus which is terrible, as well as truth that is soothing'''; terrible, for He shall be Judge as well as Saviour; and ye cannot face Him, ye cannot stand before Him, unless ye now give ear to His invitation.
** [[Henry Melvill]], as quoted in ''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895) by Josiah Hotchkiss Gilbert

* '''The Bible tells me explicitly that [[w:Christ|Christ]] was God; and it tells me, as explicitly that Christ was man. It does not go on to state the modus or manner of the union.''' I stop, therefore, where the Bible stops. I bow before a God-man as my Mediator, but I own as inscrutable the mysteries of His person.
** [[Henry Melvill]], as quoted in ''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895) by Josiah Hotchkiss Gilbert

* '''The Author of the Sermon on the Mount is assuredly a far more benign being than the Author of Nature.''' But unfortunately, the believer in the Christian revelation is required to believe that the same being is the author of both! If he doesn’t resolutely avert his mind from this subject or practise the act of quieting his conscience by sophistry, he will be involved in endless moral perplexities, because the ways of his Deity in Nature are often totally at variance with what he thinks to be the commands of that same Deity in the Gospel. Those who suffer the least moral damage from this tangle are probably those who never try to reconcile the two standards — ''the one set by Nature, and the one set by Jesus in the Gospels'' — with one another, but admits to himself that the purposes of Providence are mysterious, that its ways are not our ways, that its justice and goodness are not the justice and goodness that we can understand and that it is fitting for us to practise. When this is how the believer feels, however, the worship of God stops being the adoration of abstract moral perfection. It becomes a matter of the bowing down to a gigantic image of something not fit for us to imitate. It is the worship of pure power. &lt;br /&gt; '''I say nothing of the moral difficulties and perversions involved in revelation itself; though even in the Christianity of the Gospels, at least in its ordinary interpretation, there are some that are so flagrant that they almost outweigh all the beauty and benignity and moral greatness that so clearly distinguish the sayings and character of Christ.''' For example, thinking &quot;This is the object of highest worship!&quot; of a being who could make a Hell and create countless generations of human beings with the certain foreknowledge that he was creating them to be sent to Hell. '''Is there any moral atrocity that couldn’t be justified by the imitation of such a Deity? And could we possibly adore such a being without frightfully distorting the standard of right and wrong? Any other of the outrages to the most ordinary justice and humanity involved in the common Christian idea of God’s moral character sinks into insignificance beside this dreadful ''Hell-focused'' idealization of wickedness.'''
** [[John Stuart Mill]], ''[http://www.earlymoderntexts.com/milless.html The Usefulness of Religion]'' (1874)

* ''Wir haben also als Missverständnis: … eine kirchliche Ordnung, mit Priesterschaft, Theologie, Cultus, Sakramenten; kurz, alles das, was Jesus von Nazareth bekämpft hatte.'' (Original: German)
** We therefore have a misunderstanding: ... a church order with priesthood, theology, cult and sacraments; shortly, everything Jesus of Nazareth fought against.
** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], Nachlass, KSA 13: 11[295].

* '''Jesus Christ raised women above the condition of mere slaves, mere ministers to the passions of the man, raised them by His sympathy, to be Ministers of God.'''
** [[Florence Nightingale]], in ''Cassandra'' (1860)

* People talk about imitating Christ, and imitate Him in the little trifling formal things, such as washing the feet, saying His prayer, and so on; but '''if anyone attempts the real imitation of Him, there are no bounds to the outcry with which the presumption of that person is condemned.'''
** [[Florence Nightingale]], in ''Cassandra'' (1860)

* '''The Church is now more like the Scribes and Pharisees than like Christ... What are now called the &quot;essential doctrines&quot; of the Christian religion he does not even mention.'''
** [[Florence Nightingale]], as quoted in The Life of Florence Nightingale (1913) by Edward Tyas Cook, p. 392

* In his last moments he cries out, &quot;My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me!&quot; What conclusion is it natural to draw from this distressing exclamation? It appears to be this, that on the part of Jesus Christ, there was a virtual renunciation of his confidence in the Creator; and on the supposition that there was originally a concerted plan of execution well understood by both the parties, the fulfilment of it seems here to have been relinquished, and the beneficial effects annihilated. On the part of Jesus, it is saying, &quot;I have been deceived in this undertaking. I did not expect that I should have been forsaken in this hour of my greatest distress; but I rested with confidence on eternal wisdom, for a timely escape from this wretched misfortune.&quot; On the part of the Father, there is a want of attention and support in this trying hour. He forsakes his beloved Son; he gives him up to the murderous fury of vindictive enemies; and neither the one nor the other of the parties exhibits that spirit of fortitude and constancy which might justly have been expected on so interesting an occasion. The reflecting mind concludes, therefore, that the whole is but a fiction, and that no such stipulation ever took place between the man Jesus Christ, and the Creator of the world.
** [[w:Elihu Palmer|Elihu Palmer]], ''[[s:Principles of nature; or, a development of the morals causes of happiness and misery among the human species|Principles of nature; or, a development of the morals causes of happiness and misery among the human species]]'' (1801)

* He declared that in the present world evil is the reigning power. Satan is &quot;the prince of this world,&quot; and everything obeys him. The kings kill the prophets. The priests and the doctors do not that which they command others to do; the righteous are persecuted, and the only portion of the good is weeping. The &quot;world&quot; is in this manner the enemy of God and his saints; but God will awaken and avenge his saints. The day is at hand, for the abomination is at its height. The reign of goodness will have its turn. &lt;br /&gt; The advent of this reign of goodness will be a great and sudden revolution. The world will seem to be turned upside down: the actual state being bad, in order to represent the future, it suffices to conceive nearly the reverse of that which exists. The first shall be last. A new order shall govern humanity. &lt;br /&gt; '''Jesus, in some respects, was an [[Christian anarchism|anarchist]], for he had no idea of civil government. That government seems to him purely and simply an abuse.''' &lt;br /&gt; A great social revolution, in which rank will be overturned, in which all authority in this world will be humiliated, was his dream.
** [[Ernest Renan]], in ''The Life of Jesus'' (1863), [[s:Life_of_Jesus/Chapter_7|Ch. XII: Development of the ideas of Jesus respecting the Kingdom of God]]

*For, if Christ be simply an ideal picture, the man who sketched it will be as difficult to account for as the Being himself.
**George Sexton, a leading 19th century skeptic who converted to orthodox Christianity. [http://www.christianitytoday.com/history/newsletter/2005/may20.html Victorian Skeptics on the Road to Damascus]

* '''Must then a Christ perish in torment in every age to save those that have no imagination?'''
** [[George Bernard Shaw]], in ''Saint Joan : A Chronicle Play In Six Scenes And An Epilogue'' (1923)

* No sooner had Jesus knocked over the dragon of superstition than [[Paul of Tarsus|Paul]] boldly set it on its legs again in the name of Jesus.
** [[George Bernard Shaw]], ''Androcles and the Lion'' (1913)

* '''If Christ were here now there is one thing he would not be — a Christian.'''
** [[Mark Twain]], ''Notebook''

* '''I am an historian, I am not a believer, but I must confess as a historian that this penniless preacher from Nazareth is irrevocably the very center of history.''' Jesus Christ is easily the most dominant figure in all history.
** [[H.G. Wells]], British author (1866–1946) (from: [http://jmm.aaa.net.au/articles/13353.htm])

* '''Consolator most mild, the promis'd one advancing, &lt;br /&gt; With gentle hand extended, the mightier God am I, &lt;br /&gt; Foretold by prophets and poets in their most rapt prophecies and poems, &lt;br /&gt; From this side, lo! the [[Jesus|Lord]] [[w:Christ|Christ]] gazes''' — lo! [[w:Hermes|Hermes]] I — lo! mine is [[w:Hercules|Hercules]]' face, &lt;br /&gt; '''All sorrow, labor, suffering, I, tallying it, absorb in myself, &lt;br /&gt; Many times have I been rejected, taunted, put in prison, and crucified, and many times shall be again''', &lt;br /&gt; All the world have I given up for my dear brothers' and sisters' sake, for the soul's sake, &lt;br /&gt; Wending my way through the homes of men, rich or poor, with the kiss of affection, &lt;br /&gt; For I am affection, I am the cheer-bringing God, with hope and all-enclosing charity, &lt;br /&gt; With indulgent words as to children, with fresh and sane words, mine only, &lt;br /&gt; '''Young and strong I pass knowing well I am destin'd myself to an early death; &lt;br /&gt; But my charity has no death — my wisdom dies not, neither early nor late, &lt;br /&gt; And my sweet love bequeath'd here and elsewhere never dies.'''
** [[Walt Whitman]] in [[Leaves_of_Grass#Chanting_the_Square_Deific|''Leaves of Grass'', &quot;Chanting the Square Deific&quot;]]'' ]]

*''' My spirit to yours dear brother, &lt;br /&gt; Do not mind because many sounding your name do not understand you, &lt;br /&gt; I do not sound your name, but I understand you,''' &lt;br /&gt; I specify you with joy O my comrade to salute you, and to salute those who are with you, before and since, and those to come also, &lt;br /&gt; That '''we all labor together transmitting the same charge and succession, &lt;br /&gt; We few equals indifferent of lands, indifferent of times, &lt;br /&gt; We, enclosers of all continents, all castes, allowers of all theologies,''' &lt;br /&gt; Compassionaters, perceivers, rapport of men, &lt;br /&gt; '''We walk silent among disputes and assertions, but reject not the disputers nor any thing that is asserted, &lt;br /&gt; We hear the bawling and din, we are reach'd at by divisions, jealousies, recriminations on every side, &lt;br /&gt; They close peremptorily upon us to surround us, my comrade, &lt;br /&gt; Yet we walk unheld, free, the whole earth over, journeying up and down till we make our ineffaceable mark upon time and the diverse eras, &lt;br /&gt; Till we saturate time and eras, that the men and women of races, ages to come, may prove brethren and lovers as we are.'''
** [[Walt Whitman]] in [[Leaves_of_Grass#To_Him_That_Was_Crucified_.281860.3B_1881.29|''Leaves of Grass'', &quot;To Him That Was Crucified&quot;]] (1860; 1881)

* When Jesus talks about the poor he simply means personalities, just as when he talks about the rich he simply means people who have not developed their personalities. Jesus moved in a community that allowed the accumulation of private property just as ours does, and the gospel that he preached was not that in such a community it is an advantage for a man to live on scanty, unwholesome food, to wear ragged, unwholesome clothes, to sleep in horrid, unwholesome dwellings, and a disadvantage for a man to live under healthy, pleasant, and decent conditions. Such a view would have been wrong. ... What Jesus meant, was this. He said to man, ‘You have a wonderful personality. Develop it. Be yourself. Don’t imagine that your perfection lies in accumulating or possessing external things. Your perfection is inside of you. If only you could realise that, you would not want to be rich. Ordinary riches can be stolen from a man. Real riches cannot. In the treasury-house of your soul, there are infinitely precious things, that may not be taken from you. And so, try to so shape your life that external things will not harm you. And try also to get rid of [[personal property]]. It involves sordid preoccupation, endless industry, continual wrong. Personal property hinders Individualism at every step.’
** [[Oscar Wilde]], ''The Soul of Man Under Socialism'', ¶ 22

=== The Book of Mormon and LDS Scripture ===
:&lt;small&gt;This section contains quotes about Jesus that occur in the ''[[w:Book of Mormon|Book of Mormon]] and LDS Scripture&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Christus statue temple square salt lake city.jpg|244px|thumb|The fundamental principles of our religion are the testimony of the Apostles and Prophets, concerning Jesus Christ, that He died, was buried, and rose again the third day, and ascended into heaven; and all other things which pertain to our religion are only appendages to it. ~ [[Joseph Smith]] ]]
==== The Book of Mormon (1830) ====

* If so, wo shall come upon you; but if not so, then cast about your eyes and begin to believe in the Son of God, that he will come to redeem his people, and that he shall suffer and die to atone for their sins; and that he shall rise again from the dead, which shall bring to pass the resurrection, that all men shall stand before him, to be judged at the last and judgment day, according to their works.
** The ''[[s:Book of Mormon|Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Alma|Alma]] [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Alma#Thirty-three|33:22]]

* And behold, he shall be born of Mary, at Jerusalem which is the land of our forefathers, she being a virgin, a precious and chosen vessel, who shall be overshadowed and conceive by the power of the Holy Ghost, and bring forth a son, yea, even the Son of God.
** The ''[[s:Book of Mormon|Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Alma|Alma]] [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Alma#Chapter_Seven|7:10]]

* And moreover, I say unto you, that there shall be no other name given nor any other way nor means whereby salvation can come unto the children of men, only in and through the name of Christ, the Lord Omnipotent.
** The ''[[s:Book of Mormon|Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Mosiah|Mosiah]] [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Mosiah#Chapter_Three|3:17]]

* And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall.
** The ''[[s:Book of Mormon|Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Helaman|Helaman]] [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Helaman#Chapter_Five|5:12]]

* And if there were miracles wrought then, why has God ceased to be a God of miracles and yet be an unchangeable Being? And behold, I say unto you he changeth not; if so he would cease to be God; and he ceaseth not to be God, and is a God of miracles.&lt;br/&gt; And the reason why he ceaseth to do miracles among the children of men is because that they dwindle in unbelief, and depart from the right way, and know not the God in whom they should trust. 	Jesus doesn't do miracles any more because everyone has dwindled in unbelief.&lt;br/&gt; Behold, I say unto you that whoso believeth in Christ, doubting nothing, whatsoever he shall ask the Father in the name of Christ it shall be granted him; and this promise is unto all, even unto the ends of the earth.
** The ''[[s:Book of Mormon|Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Mormon|Mormon]] [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Mormon#Chapter_Nine|9:19–21]]

* And now, my beloved brethren, and also Jew, and all ye ends of the earth, hearken unto these words and believe in Christ; and if ye believe not in these words believe in Christ. And if ye shall believe in Christ ye will believe in these words, for they are the words of Christ, and he hath given them unto me; and they teach all men that they should do good. And if they are not the words of Christ, judge ye—for Christ will show unto you, with power and great glory, that they are his words, at the last day; and you and I shall stand face to face before his bar; and ye shall know that I have been commanded of him to write these things, notwithstanding my weakness.
** The ''[[Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book of Mormon/2 Nephi|2 Nephi]] [[s:Book of Mormon/2 Nephi#Chapter Thirty-three|33:10-11]]

* And we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ, and we write according to our prophecies, that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins.
** The ''[[Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book of Mormon/2 Nephi|2 Nephi]] [[s:Book of Mormon/2 Nephi#Chapter twenty-five|25:26]]

* Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life.
** The ''[[Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book of Mormon/2 Nephi|2 Nephi]] [[s:Book of Mormon/2 Nephi#Chapter Thirty-one|31:20]]

* Yea, come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, and deny yourselves of all ungodliness; and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness, and love God with all your might, mind and strength, then is his grace sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ; and if by the grace of God ye are perfect in Christ, ye can in nowise deny the power of God. And again, if ye by the grace of God are perfect in Christ, and deny not his power, then are ye sanctified in Christ by the grace of God, through the shedding of the blood of Christ, which is in the covenant of the Father unto the remission of your sins, that ye become holy, without spot.
** The ''[[s:Book of Mormon|Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Moroni|Moroni]] [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Moroni#Chapter_Ten|10:32-33]]

====Doctrine and Covenants (1835)====
* Hearken, O ye elders of my church, saith the Lord your God, who have assembled yourselves together, according to my commandments, in this land, which is the land of Missouri, which is the land which I have appointed and consecrated for the gathering of the saints.&lt;br/&gt; Wherefore, this is the land of promise, and the place for the city of Zion.&lt;br/&gt; And thus saith the Lord your God, if you will receive wisdom here is wisdom. Behold, the place which is now called Independence is the center place; and a spot for the temple is lying westward, upon a lot which is not far from the courthouse.
** [[w:Joseph Smith|Joseph Smith]]'s revelation that that Jesus will come to Independence, Missouri when he returns to reign on earth, The ''[[w:Doctrine and Covenants|Doctrine and Covenants]]'', [[s:http://en.wikisource.org/wiki/The_Doctrine_and_Covenants/Section_57|57:1–3]], revelation through Joseph Smith, in Zion, Jackson County, Missouri (July 20, 1831)

====Pearl of Great Price (1838)====
* It no sooner appeared than I found myself delivered from the enemy which held me bound. When the light rested upon me I saw two Personages, whose brightness and glory defy all description, standing above me in the air. One of them spake unto me, calling me by name and said, pointing to the other—''This is My Beloved Son. Hear Him!'' My object in going to inquire of the Lord was to know which of all the sects was right, that I might know which to join. No sooner, therefore, did I get possession of myself, so as to be able to speak, than I asked the Personages who stood above me in the light, which of all the sects was right (for at this time it had never entered into my heart that all were wrong)—and which I should join. I was answered that I must join none of them, for they were all wrong; and the Personage who addressed me said that all their creeds were an abomination in his sight; that those professors were all corrupt; that: “they draw near to me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me, they teach for doctrines the commandments of men, having a form of godliness, but they deny the power thereof.”
** Vers 17 to 19 from [[w:Joseph Smith—History|Joseph Smith—History]] from the [[w:Pearl of Great Price (Mormonism)|Pearl of Great Price]], also called the [[w:First Vision|First Vision]]

====[[w:History of the Church (Joseph Smith)|History of the Church]] (1839)====
* The fundamental principles of our religion are the testimony of the Apostles and Prophets, concerning Jesus Christ, that He died, was buried, and rose again the third day, and ascended into heaven; and all other things which pertain to our religion are only appendages to it.
** [[w:Joseph Smith|Joseph Smith]] from [[w:History of the Church (Joseph Smith)|History of the Church]] 3:30

===The Twentieth Century===
[[File:Weston Zanzibar.jpg|thumb|You cannot claim to worship Jesus in the tabernacle if you do not pity Jesus in the slum. ~ [[Frank Weston]]]]
[[File:Adolf Hitler - Mary with Jesus (1913).jpg|thumb|If Jesus came back and saw what's going on in his name, he'd never stop throwing up. ~ [[Woody Allen]] ]]
[[File:Friedrich Kreuz im Wald.jpg|thumb|I am far within the mark when I say that all the armies that ever marched, and all the navies that ever were built, and all the parliaments that ever sat, all the kings that ever reigned, put together have not affected the [[life]] of man upon this [[earth]] as powerfully as has that One Solitary Life. ~ James Allan Francis ]]
[[File:Wassilij Dimitriewitsch Polenow 005.jpg|thumb|[[Christian anarchism]] is based upon the answer of Jesus to the Pharisees, when He said that he without [[sin]] should be the first to cast the stone, and upon the [[Sermon on the Mount]], which advises the return of [[good]] for [[evil]] and the turning of the other cheek. ~ [[Ammon Hennacy]] ]]
[[File:Brooklyn Museum - Jesus Goes Up Alone onto a Mountain to Pray (Jésus monte seul sur une montagne pour prier) - James Tissot - overall.jpg|thumb|The last two thousand years have brought about a [[duality]] in man such as he never [[experienced]] before, and yet the man who dominates this whole period was one who stood for [[wholeness]], one who proclaimed the [[Holy Ghost]]. No [[life]] in the whole [[history]] of man has been so misinterpreted, so [[woefully]] misunderstood as [[Christ]]'s. ~ [[Henry Miller]] ]]
[[File:Jesus mosaic (584).jpg|thumb|The real [[significance]] of Jesus is obscured by the widespread [[belief]] that [[organized]] [[Christianity]] truly reflects his religion. ~ [[Kirby Page]]]]
[[File:Ary Scheffer - The Temptation of Christ (1854).jpg|thumb|In the most deeply significant of the legends concerning Jesus, we are told how the [[devil]] took him up into a high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the [[world]] in a moment of [[time]]… ~ [[Upton Sinclair]] ]]
[[File:Moreau Pieta.jpg|thumb|Jesus, as we know, answered and said &quot;Get thee behind me, [[Satan]]!&quot; And he really meant it; he would have nothing to do with worldly [[glory]], with &quot;temporal [[power]];&quot; he chose the career of a revolutionary agitator, and died the [[death]] of a disturber of the [[peace]]. ~ [[Upton Sinclair]] ]]
[[File:Jesus wanted poster.jpg|thumb|'''Jesus [[w:Christ|Christ]]''' : Wanted — For Sedition, [[Christian anarchism|Criminal Anarchy]] — Vagrancy, and Conspiring to Overthrow the Established Government. ~ [[w:Art Young|Art Young]] ]]

* '''If Jesus came back and saw what's going on in his [[name]], he'd never stop throwing up.'''
**[[Woody Allen]], in ''[[Hannah and Her Sisters]]'' (1986)

* Paul, {{anchor|AndersonJND1950}}in the fifteenth chapter of his Epistle to the Corinthians, gives a detailed list of several resurrection appearances. Now there is scarcely a scholar who has doubted the genuineness of 1 Corinthians, and its date is generally accepted as about 56 A.D. But the apostle writes that he had not only previously given his readers this information orally (i.e., in 49 A.D.), but had himself 'received' it, presumably from those who were apostles before him. This may take us back to 40 A.D. or to within some ten years of the crucifixion.... Paul tells us that in 56 A.D. the majority of some 500 original witnesses were still alive....
** [[w:Norman Anderson (missionary)|Sir Norman Anderson,]] O.B.E., Q.C., LL.D., F.B.A., [http://www.biblicalstudies.org.uk/article_resurrection_anderson.html &quot;The Evidence for the Resurrection&quot;, IVP, 1950.]

* '''Jesus Christ is to me the outstanding personality of all time, all history, both as Son of God and as Son of Man.''' Everything he ever said or did has value for us today and that is something you can say of no other man, dead or alive. There is no easy middle ground to stroll upon. You either accept Jesus or reject him.
** [[w:Sholem Asch|Sholem Asch]], in an interview with Frank S. Mead of ''The Christian Herald'' (1944), as quoted in ''The Controversial Sholem Asch : An Introduction to his Fiction'' (1976) by Ben Siegel, p. 148

*Many years of work as an evangelist and as a teacher in the field of Christian principles, and a difficult cycle in which I faced the problem of my own relation to Christ and to Christianity, have brought me to two definitely clear and clean-cut recognitions: first, a recognition of the reality of the Individuality of Christ and of His Mission; and secondly, a recognition that the development of the Christ Consciousness and the Christ Nature in individual man, and in the race as a whole, carries with it the solution of our world problem... The kingdom of God is now in process of rapid formation, as all those with forward-seeing vision and a realisation of the rapidly emerging beauty and divinity of man can bear testimony. We are passing through the transition period between the old age and [[Age of Aquarius|the new]], and the true mission of Christ, so deeply and frequently obscured by theological implications and disputations, embodies in itself the coming revelation. The development of humanity guarantees the recognition of Christ and His work and its participation, consciously, in the kingdom of God. (Forward)
**[[Alice Bailey]], in ''From Bethlehem to Calvary.'' (1937)

*A myth is capable of becoming a fact in the experience of an individual, for a myth is a fact which can be proven. Upon the myths we take our stand, but we must seek to re-interpret them in the light of the present. Through self-initiated experiment we can prove their validity; through experience we can establish them as governing forces in our lives; and through their expression we can demonstrate their truth to others. This is the theme of this book, dealing as it does with the facts of the Gospel story, that fivefold sequential myth which teaches us the revelation of divinity in the Person of Jesus Christ, and which remains eternally truth, in the cosmic sense, in the historical sense, and in its practical application to the individual. This myth divides itself into five great episodes: 1. The Birth at Bethlehem. 2. The Baptism in Jordan. 3. The Transfiguration on Mount Carmel. 4. The Crucifixion on Mount Golgotha. 5. The Resurrection and Ascension. (Chapter One)
**[[Alice Bailey]], in ''From Bethlehem to Calvary.'' (1937)

*He is the World Teacher and not a Christian teacher. He Himself told us that He had other folds, and to them He has meant as much as He has meant to the orthodox Christian. They may not call Him Christ, but they have their own name for Him and follow Him as truly and faithfully as their Western brethren. 
**[[Alice Bailey]] in [https://www.lucistrust.org/online_books/the_reappearance_the_christ  &quot;The Reappearance of the Christ&quot;] (1948) p. 62

*In the future, the eyes of humanity will be fixed upon the Christ, and not upon any such man-made institutions as the Church and its dignitaries; Christ will be seen as He is in reality, working through His disciples, through [[Masters of Wisdom|the Masters of the Wisdom]], and through His followers who toil unseen (and usually unrecognised) behind world affairs. The sphere of His activity will be known to be the human heart and also the crowded market places of the world, but not some stone edifice, and not the pomp and ceremony of any ecclesiastical headquarters.
**[[Alice Bailey]] in [https://www.lucistrust.org/online_books/the_reappearance_the_christ  &quot;The Reappearance of the Christ&quot;] (1948) p. 66

* '''In Jesus, God wills to be true God not only in the height but also in the depth — in the depth of human creatureliness, sinfulness and mortality.'''
** [[Karl Barth]], as quoted in ''Basket of Gems'' (2009) by Mark Stibbe, p. 89

*And so, looking over the world at the moment, there seems little likelihood that when He comes He will be welcome. A few will recognise Him as they ever have done, and maybe, as the characteristics of the coming race are those of spirituality, there will be more to welcome Him, for the spiritual life is spreading to-day, and those who are of the Spirit will know the law of the Spirit; and I would fain leave you with the thought tonight that that is a truth, that the Supreme Teacher will again ere very long be incarnate upon earth, again made manifest as Teacher, again walking and living amongst us as last He walked in Palestine. Splendid as is the hope, mighty as is the inspiration, there is nothing too glorious to be possible for the ever-unfolding Spirit in man, and the hope of to-day is that that spirit is spreading, despite the characteristics of our time; that men are becoming more liberal, more tolerant, more ready to recognise that which is true and just. 
**[[Annie Besant]], in [http://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/57667 ''The Changing World and Lectures to Theosophical Students, Lecture VI, The Coming Christ,''] (May, June, and July 1909)

*It may well be that we have reached such a time... that the popular mind of the day will be transcended by large numbers of the more spiritually minded, and that when He comes again He will be able to stay amongst us more than the three brief years that marked His last ministry. That, then, is the word, the thought I leave with you: to develop in yourselves the Spirit of the Christ, and then at His coming you shall recognise His beauty. Learn compassion, learn tenderness, learn good thoughts of others rather than evil, learn to be tender with the weak, learn to be reverent to the great; and if you can develop those qualities in you, then the coming Christ may be able to number you among His disciples, and the welcome that the earth shall give Him shall not again be a cross.
**[[Annie Besant]], in ''The Changing World and Lectures to Theosophical Students, Lecture VI, The Coming Christ,'' (May, June, and July 1909)

*To that manifested Presence the name of &quot;the Christ&quot; may rightly be given, and it was He who lived and moved in the form of the man Jesus over the hills and plains of Palestine, teaching, healing diseases, and gathering round Him as disciples a few of the more advanced souls. The rare charm of His royal love, outpouring from Him as rays from a sun, drew round Him the suffering, the weary, and the oppressed, and the subtly tender magic of His gentle wisdom purified, ennobled, and sweetened the lives that came into contact with His own... By parable and luminous imagery He taught the uninstructed crowds who pressed around Him, and, using the powers of the free Spirit, He healed many a disease by word or touch, reinforcing the magnetic energies belonging to His pure body with the compelling force of His inner life... The teachers and rulers of His nation soon came to eye Him with jealousy and anger; His spirituality was a constant reproach to their materialism, His power a constant, though silent, exposure of their weakness. p. 136
**[[Annie Besant]] in ''Esoteric Christianity: Or, The Lesser Mysteries'' (1914) 

*The historical Christ, then, is a glorious Being belonging to the [[Masters of Wisdom|great spiritual hierarchy]] that guides the [[spiritual]] [[evolution]] of humanity, who used for some three years the human body of the disciple Jesus; who spent the last of these three years in public teaching... who was a healer of diseases and performed other remarkable [[occult]] works; who gathered round Him a small band of disciples whom He instructed in the deeper truths of the spiritual life; who drew men to Him by the singular love and tenderness and the rich [[Ageless Wisdom teachings|wisdom]] that breathed from His Person; and who was finally put to death for blasphemy, for teaching the inherent Divinity of Himself and of all men. p.141
**[[Annie Besant]] in ''Esoteric Christianity: Or, The Lesser Mysteries'' (1914) 

*But it must not be supposed that the work of the Christ for His followers was over after He had established the Mysteries, or was confined to rare appearances therein. That Mighty One who had used the body of Jesus as His vehicle, and whose guardian care extends over the whole spiritual evolution of the fifth race of humanity, gave into the strong hands of the holy disciple who had surrendered to Him his body the care of the infant Church. Perfecting his human evolution, Jesus became one of [[Masters of Wisdom|the Masters of Wisdom]], and took Christianity under His special charge, ever seeking to guide it to the right lines, to protect, to guard and nourish it. He was the Hierophant in the Christian Mysteries, the direct Teacher of the Initiates. His the inspiration that kept alight the Gnosis in the Church, until the superincumbent mass of ignorance became so great that even His breath could not fan the flame sufficiently to prevent its extinguishment. p. 142
**[[Annie Besant]] in ''Esoteric Christianity: Or, The Lesser Mysteries'' (1914) 
* Jesus' own coming was by no means so introverted and other-worldly as a [[Paul of Tarsus|Pauline]] reinterpretation&amp;mdash;always welcome to the [[ruling class]]&amp;mdash;would have it. ... To Jesus, the kingdom of this world was the devil (John 8:44). This is why he never suggested allowing it to go on; he did not conclude a non-aggression pact with it.
** [[Ernst Bloch]], ''Man On His Own'' (1970), p. 123

* From my youth onwards I have found in Jesus my great brother. That Christianity has regarded and does regard him as God and Savior has always appeared to me a fact of the highest importance which, for his sake and my own, I must endeavor to understand … '''I am more than ever certain that a great place belongs to him in Israel's history of faith and that this place cannot be described by any of the usual categories.'''
** [[Martin Buber]], in ''Two Types of Faith'' (1961) Foreword

* According to the [[New Testament]], Jesus is the man for others who views his existence as inextricably tied to other men to the degree that his own Person is inexplicable apart from others. The others, of course, refer to all men, especially the oppressed, the unwanted of society, the &quot;sinners.&quot; He is God himself coming into the very depths of human existence for the sole purpose of striking off the chains of slavery, thereby freeing man from ungodly principalities and powers that hinder his relationship with God.
** [[James Cone]], ''Black Theology and Black Power'' (1969), p. 35

* If the church ... does not make God's liberation of the oppressed central in its mission and proclamation, how can it rest easy with a condemned criminal as the dominant symbol of its message? 
** [[James Cone]], ''Speaking the Truth: Ecumenism, Liberation, and Black Theology'' (1986), p. 6

* By becoming poor and entrusting divine revelation to a carpenter from Nazareth, God makes clear where one has to be in order to hear the divine word and experience divine presence. 
** [[James Cone]], ''Speaking the Truth: Ecumenism, Liberation, and Black Theology'' (1986), p. 9

*In the [[esoteric]] tradition, the Christ is not the name of an individual but of an Office in the [esoteric spiritual] [[Hierarchy]]. The present holder of that Office... has held it for 2,600 years, and manifested in [[Palestine]] through His disciple, [[Jesus]], by the [[occult]] method of overshadowing, the most frequent form used for the manifestation of Avatars. He has never left the world, but for 2,000 years has waited and planned for this immediate future time, training His disciples, and preparing Himself for the awesome task which awaits Him... They stand now, waiting for us to take, of our own free will, the needed first steps in the direction of unity, cooperation and fusion. Then They will emerge with the Christ at Their Head, and Their Presence in the world will be an established fact. 
**[[Benjamin Creme]], in ''The Reappearance of the Christ and the Masters of Wisdom'' (1980)

*The disciple Jesus, Who is now the Master Jesus, was born in Palestine as a third-degree initiate... He was, and still is, a Disciple of the Christ and made the great sacrifice of giving up His body for the use of the Christ. By the... process of overshadowing, the Christ, Maitreya, took over and worked through the body of Jesus from the Baptism onwards. In His next incarnation, as Apollonius of Tyana, Jesus became a Master. 
**[[Benjamin Creme]], in ''The Reappearance of the Christ and the Masters of Wisdom'' (1980)

*He lives now in a Syrian body which is some 600 years old, and has His base in Palestine. He has, in the last 2,000 years, worked in the closest relation to the Christ, saving His time and energy where possible, and has special work to do with the Christian Churches. He is one of the Masters Who will very shortly return to outer work in the world, taking over the Throne of St Peter, in Rome. He will seek to transform the Christian Churches, in so far as they are flexible enough to respond correctly to the new reality which the return of the Christ and [[Masters of Wisdom|the Masters]] will create. [Author's note, 2006: The Master Jesus is now living on the outskirts of Rome.] &lt;BR&gt; I am afraid that the Churches have gone very far away from the religion which the Christ inaugurated; which is to do with sharing, with love, with brotherhood and right relationship.
**[[Benjamin Creme]], in ''The Reappearance of the Christ and the Masters of Wisdom'' (1980)

*Two thousand years ago...[the Christ] overshadowed His disciple Jesus for three years, and Jesus became Jesus the Messiah, or, translated into the Greek, Jesus the Christ. The Christ Himself is Maitreya. His consciousness, from the baptism to the crucifixion, manifested through Jesus and inaugurated the Piscean age which is now coming to an end. Maitreya has come back into the world now to carry on what He began through Jesus, and will complete in the age of Aquarius which is now beginning... Jesus taught through Mohammed. As Maitreya had taught through Him, so He taught through Mohammed. The Buddha taught through the Prince Gautama and Mithra, and Maitreya also taught through Krishna and Shankaracharya at previous times.
**[[Benjamin Creme]], ''[https://share-international.org/books_AWT.html The Ageless Wisdom Teaching]'' (1996)   
 
*The Master Jesus... in Palestine was a very advanced disciple, a fourth-degree initiate, just short of a Master. He took the fourth initiation, the Crucifixion, openly, on the outer plane. Normally you are not expected to die on a cross when you take the fourth initiation. He did that to symbolize for us, dramatically, that great experience of renunciation. He is now a Master, becoming a Master in His immediate next life as [[Apollonius of Tyana|Appolonius of Tyana]], who opened an ashram in north India, where He is buried. From that fact has come the legend that somehow Jesus did not die on the cross, that He was secreted out of Palestine and went to India and is buried there. It was the Being who was Jesus, but in His next incarnation as Appolonius. Jesus is now a very advanced Master. In the seventh to eighth century He went to America and taught the Indian populations, then went out into the Pacific and taught the Polynesians. They all have the legend of a white man who came and taught, and the names are all related to the word `Jesus'. 
**[[Benjamin Creme]], ''[https://share-international.org/books_AWT.html The Ageless Wisdom Teaching]'' (1996)       

*Some of the people around Maitreya were around Jesus in Palestine... [[John the Evangelist|John the Beloved]] is now the [[Koot Hoomi|Master Koot Hoomi]]... We will see Them very shortly. The [[Jesus|Master Jesus]], the best-known Master of all, is already in the world, and has been living in the outskirts of Rome for about seven years.
**[[Benjamin Creme]], [https://www.share-international.org/archives/religion/faq_religion.htm Religion - FAQ,] ''Share International'' (March 1996)

*We, as Christians, are asked to take a very great deal on trust; the teachings, for example, and the miracles of Jesus. If we had to take all on trust, I, for one, should be sceptical. The crux of the problem of whether Jesus was, or was not, what he proclaimed himself to be, must surely depend upon the truth or otherwise of the resurrection. On that greatest point we are not merely asked to have faith. In its favour as a living truth there exists such overwhelming evidence, positive and negative, factual and circumstantial, that no intelligent jury in the world could fail to bring in a verdict that the resurrection story is true.
** [[w:Charles Darling, 1st Baron Darling|Lord Darling,]] who deputised for the Lord Chief Justice 1914-1918, quoted by [[w:Michael Green (theologian)|Michael Green]] in &quot;Man Alive&quot;, IVP, 1967

* Jesus was not divine because he was less human than his fellowmen but for the opposite reason that he was supremely human, and it is this of which his divinity consists, the fullness and perfection of him as an intellectual, moral and spiritual human being.
** [[Eugene Debs]], &quot;Jesus, the Supreme Leader,&quot; in ''Coming Nation'', March 1914

* He has been disfigured and distorted by cunning priests to serve their knavish ends and by ignorant idolaters to give godly sanction to their blind bigotry and savage superstition. He has persisted in spite of two thousand years of theological emasculation to destroy his revolutionary personality.
** [[Eugene Debs]], &quot;Jesus, the Supreme Leader,&quot; in ''Coming Nation'', March 1914

* I had the good luck a few years ago to visit the archeological site of [[w:Sepphoris|Zippori]] in Israel... I could see here displayed the Greek culture that Jesus decisively rejected, the same Greek culture that infiltrated the Christian religion soon after his death and has dominated Christianity ever since.
** [[Freeman Dyson]], ''The Scientist As Rebel'' (2006)

* First, Jesus was no simple peasant, but grew up in intimate contact with an urban and overwhelmingly Greek culture. And second, he intended to lead a spiritual regeneration of his people, based on a total repudiation of Greek culture. In all his preaching, he quotes from the Law and the Prophets, the old Hebrew scriptures. After seeing what the Greek culture had to offer, he went back to his Hebrew roots.
** [[Freeman Dyson]], ''The Scientist As Rebel'' (2006)

* As a child I received instruction both in the Bible and in the Talmud. I am a Jew, but I am enthralled by the luminous figure of the Nazarene. ... No one can read the Gospels without feeling the actual presence of Jesus. His personality pulsates in every word. No myth is filled with such life.
** [[Albert Einstein]], physicist (1879–1955) (from: [http://jmm.aaa.net.au/articles/13353.htm])

* Not a single one of our ancient sources indicates that Jesus was married, let alone married to [[Mary Magdalene]]. All such claims are part of modem fictional reconstructions of Jesus' life, not rooted in the surviving accounts themselves. The historical approach to our sources may not be as exciting and sensationalist as fictional claims about Jesus (he kept a lover! he had sex! he made babies!), but there's something to be said for knowing what really happened in history, even if it is not as titillating as what happens in novels.
** [[Bart D. Ehrman]], ''Truth and Fiction in The Da Vinci Code'' (2004), Ch. 7: &quot;Jesus, Mary Magdalene, and Marriage&quot;

* '''Here is a man who was born in an obscure village, the child of a peasant woman.''' He grew up in another obscure village, where He worked in a carpenter shop until He was thirty, and then for three years He was an itinerant preacher. He never wrote a book. He never held an office. He never owned a home. He never had a family. He never went to college. He never put his foot inside a big city. He never traveled two hundred miles from the place where He was born. He never did one of the things that usually accompany greatness. '''He had no credentials but Himself. He had nothing to do with this world except the naked power of His divine manhood.''' While still a young man, the tide of public opinion turned against Him. His friends ran away. One of them denied Him. He was turned over to His enemies. He went through the mockery of a trial. He was nailed to a cross between two thieves. His executioners gambled for the only piece of property He had on earth while He was dying — and that was [[w: Seamless robe of Jesus|his coat]]. When he was dead He was taken down and laid in a borrowed grave through the pity of a friend. Nineteen wide centuries have come and gone and today He is the centerpiece of the [[human]] race and the [[leader]] of the column of [[progress]]. '''I am far within the mark when I say that all the armies that ever marched, and all the navies that ever were built, and all the parliaments that ever sat, all the kings that ever reigned, put together have not affected the [[life]] of man upon this [[earth]] as powerfully as has that One Solitary Life.'''
** [[James Allan Francis]], ''One Solitary Life'' (1963), p. 1–7. This miniature book, made up entirely of the text above, was hand set and printed by Doris V. Welsh, a former staff member of the Newberry Library, in an edition of 150 copies. No information in the book is given for the first published source of this essay by James Allan Francis, D. D. (1864–1928), nor could it be found in the essays and sermons by Francis in the collections of his writings in the Library of Congress. Nor was the Newberry Library able to identify the original published source. As an anonymous work and with some variations in the text, &quot;One Solitary Life&quot; was published in The Irish Echo, December 27, 1969, p. 10; in the Congressional Record, December 23, 1969, vol. 115, p. 13105; and on a variety of Christmas greeting cards in the 1970s and 1980s.

* Jesus was the first socialist, the first to seek a better life for mankind.
**[[Mikhail Gorbachev]], as quoted in ''Daily Telegraph'' (16 June 1992)

* I'm hoping that [the defrauded faithful will] see that it's not necessary to look to some person to jerk you off to get off and put your belief in.
** [[w:MarJoe Gortner|MarJoe Gortner]], one-time child evangelist who [http://youtube.com/watch?v=6O0p4ZDnDoQ exposed] the fraudulence of fundamentalist Christian sermons in America in the 1972 academy-award winning documentary ''[[w:MarJoe|MarJoe]]''. He estimates that he raised $3 million (1960s) dollars in donations.

* Would you get out your checkbook tonight? … Bring what you would for JESUS tonight.
** [[w:MarJoe Gortner|MarJoe Gortner]], one-time child evangelist who [http://youtube.com/watch?v=6O0p4ZDnDoQ exposed] the fraudulence of fundamentalist Christian sermons in America in the 1972 academy-award winning documentary ''[[w:MarJoe|MarJoe]]''. He estimates that he raised $3 million (1960s) dollars in donations.

* [To an elderly women requesting a blessing.] Do you believe that the Lord's going to do it tonight? Do you believe that he's going to touch this condition? Say Yes Lord. Say THANK YOU JESUS! In the name of Jesus! In the name of JESUS! [Woman collapses in euphoria.] Thank you Jesus. Hallelujah!
** [[w:MarJoe Gortner|MarJoe Gortner]], one-time child evangelist who [http://youtube.com/watch?v=6O0p4ZDnDoQ exposed] the fraudulence of fundamentalist Christian sermons in America in the 1972 academy-award winning documentary ''[[w:MarJoe|MarJoe]]''. He estimates that he raised $3 million (1960s) dollars in donations.

* '''[[Christian anarchism]] is based upon the apocryphal answer of Jesus to the Pharisees, when He said that he without sin should be the first to cast the stone, and upon the Sermon on the Mount, which advises the return of good for evil and the turning of the other cheek.''' Therefore, when we take any part in government by voting for legislative, judicial, and executive officials, we make these men our arm by which we cast a stone and deny the Sermon on the Mount. &lt;br /&gt; The dictionary definition of a Christian is one who follows Christ; kind, kindly, Christ-like. Anarchism is voluntary cooperation for good, with the right of secession. '''A Christian anarchist is therefore one who turns the other cheek, overturns the tables of the moneychangers, and does not need a cop to tell him how to behave. A Christian anarchist does not depend upon bullets or ballots to achieve his ideal; he achieves that ideal daily by the One-Man Revolution with which he faces a decadent, confused, and dying world.'''
** [[Ammon Hennacy]], &quot;Christian Anarchism&quot; in ''The Book of Ammon'' (1965)

* I say: my feeling as a Christian points me to my Lord and Saviour as a fighter. It points me to the man who once in loneliness, surrounded only by a few followers, recognized these Jews for what they were and summoned men to the fight against them and who, God's truth! was greatest not as sufferer but as fighter. In boundless love as a Christian and as a man I read through the passage which tells us how the Lord at last rose in His might and seized the scourge to drive out of the Temple the brood of vipers and of adders. How terrific was His fight for the world against the Jewish poison. Today, after two thousand years, with deepest emotion I recognize more profoundly than ever before — the fact that it was for this that He had to shed His blood upon the Cross.
** [[Adolf Hitler]], [http://humanitas-international.org/showcase/chronography/speeches/1922-04-12.html Munich speech of April 12, 1922]

* The best characterization is provided by the product of this religious education, the Jew himself. His life is only of this world, and his spirit is inwardly as alien to true Christianity as his nature two thousand years previous was to the great founder of the new doctrine. Of course, the latter made no secret of his attitude toward the Jewish people, and when necessary he even took the whip to drive from the temple of the Lord this adversary of all humanity, who then as always saw in religion nothing but an instrument for his business existence. In return, Christ was nailed to the cross, while our present-day party Christians debase themselves to begging for Jewish votes at elections and later try to arrange political swindles with atheistic Jewish parties&amp;mdash;and this against their own nation.
** [[Adolf Hitler]], ''[[w:Mein Kampf|Mein Kampf]]'' (1925), Vol. 1, Chapter 11
** Variant translation: And the founder of Christianity made no secret indeed of his estimation of the Jewish people. When He found it necessary, He drove those enemies of the human race out of the Temple of God.
*** Vol. 1, p. 174

* All good men are anarchists. All cultured, kindly men; all gentlemen; all just men are anarchists. '''Jesus was an anarchist.'''
** [[Elbert Hubbard]], in ''A Message to Garcia and Thirteen Other Things'' (1901), p. 147

* Listen, Christ, &lt;br /&gt; You did alright in your day, I reckon— &lt;br /&gt; But that day's gone now. &lt;br /&gt; They ghosted you up a swell story, too, &lt;br /&gt; Called it Bible— &lt;br /&gt; But it's dead now. &lt;br /&gt; The popes and the preachers've &lt;br /&gt; Made too much money from it. &lt;br /&gt; They've sold you too many &lt;br /&gt; &lt;br /&gt; Kings, generals, robbers, and killers— &lt;br /&gt; Even to the Czar and the Cossacks, &lt;br /&gt; Even to Rockefeller's church, &lt;br /&gt; Even to THE SATURDAY EVENING POST. &lt;br /&gt; You ain't no good no more. &lt;br /&gt; They've pawned you &lt;br /&gt; Till you've done wore out. &lt;br /&gt; &lt;br /&gt; Goodbye, &lt;br /&gt; Christ Jesus Lord God Jehova, &lt;br /&gt; Beat it on away from here now. &lt;br /&gt; Make way for a new guy with no religion at all— &lt;br /&gt; A real guy named &lt;br /&gt; Marx Communist Lenin Peasant Stalin Worker ME— &lt;br /&gt; I said, ME! &lt;br /&gt; &lt;br /&gt; Go Ahead on now, &lt;br /&gt; You're getting in the way of things, Lord. &lt;br /&gt; And please take Saint Ghandi [sic] with you when you go, &lt;br /&gt; And Saint Pope Pius, &lt;br /&gt; And Saint Aimee McPherson, &lt;br /&gt; And big black Saint Becton &lt;br /&gt; Of the Consecrated Dime. &lt;br /&gt; And step on the gas, Christ! &lt;br /&gt; &lt;br /&gt; Move! &lt;br /&gt; Don't be so slow about movin'! &lt;br /&gt; The world is mine from now on— &lt;br /&gt; And nobody's gonna sell ME &lt;br /&gt; To a king, or a general, &lt;br /&gt; Or a millionaire.
** [[Langston Hughes]], &quot;Goodbye Christ,&quot; The Negro Worker, November/December 1932, p. 32

* '''Jesus was an anarchist savior. That's what the Gospels tell us.'''
** [[Ivan Illich]], [http://www.davidtinapple.com/illich/1988_Educational.html ''The Educational enterprise in the Light of the Gospel'', Chicago (13 November 1988)]


* He comes into the world God knows how, walks on the water, gets out of his grave and goes up off the Hill of Howth. What drivel is this?
** [[James Joyce]], ''Stephen Hero'', ch. 21 (1944)

* '''Although Jesus is widely considered mankind's greatest moral teacher, the greatest Christians, not to speak of scholars, have never been able to agree what his moral teachings were.''' Matthew, and he alone, reports that Jesus said: &quot;Let your Yes be Yes, and your No, No.&quot; But the four Evangelists agree in ascribing to Jesus evasive and equivocal answers to plain questions, not only those of the high priest and Pilate; and '''quite generally the Jesus of the New Testament avoids straightforward statements, preferring parables and hyperboles.''' Some of the parables are so ambiguous that different Evangelists, not to speak of later [[theologian]]s, offer different interpretations. … '''On concrete moral issues, Jesus can be, and has been, cited on almost all sides.'''
** [[Walter Kaufmann (philosopher)|Walter Kaufmann]], in &quot;The Faith of a Heretic&quot; in ''Harper's Magazine'' (February 1959)

* '''Jesus is not an impractical [[idealist]]; he is the [practical [[realist]].'''
* I am certain that Jesus [[understood]] the [[difficulty]] inherent in the act of [[loving]] one's [[enemy]]. He never joined the ranks of those who talk glibly about the easiness of the moral life. He realized that every genuine expression of love grows out of a consistent and total surrender to God. So when Jesus said &quot;love your enemy,&quot; he was not unmindful of its stringent qualities. Yet he meant every word of it. Our responsibility as Christians is to discover the meaning of this command and seek passionately to live it out in our daily lives.
:* [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], [http://www.skeptictank.org/files/socialis/mlk.htm &quot;Loving Your Enemies&quot;]. Dexter Avenue Baptist Church, Montgomery, Alabama (25 December 1957).

* Jesus recognized the need for blending opposites. He knew that his disciples would face a difficult and hostile world, where they would confront the recalcitrance of political officials and the intransigence of the protectors of the old order. He knew that they would meet cold and arrogant men whose hearts had been hardened by the long winter of traditionalism. … And he gave them a formula for action, &quot;Be ye therefore as [[wise]] as serpents, and [[harmless]] as doves.&quot; … We must combine the toughness of the serpent with the softness of the dove, a tough mind and a tender heart.
** [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], [http://books.google.gr/books?id=suOrdSCO_7gC&amp;q= &quot;Strength to Love&quot;], Ch. 1 : A tough mind and a tender heart, (1963).

* '''Jesus Christ was an [[extremist]] for [[love]], [[truth]] and [[goodness]].'''
** [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], &quot;{{w|Letter from a Birmingham Jail}}&quot; (1963).

* I've come here to tell the most exciting story in the history of mankind: the life of Jesus Christ. I'm not talking about the Jesus in those horribly gaudy pictures. Not the Jesus with the jaundice-yellow skin&amp;mdash;whom crazy human society has turned into the biggest whore of all time. Whose corpse they perversely drag around on disgraceful crosses. I don't mean the jabbering about God or the blubbering hymns. I don't mean the Jesus whose moldy kiss frightens little girls out of horny dreams before their First Communion and then make them die of shame and disgust when they foam in the latrines. I'm talking about the ''man'': the restless man who says we have to turn over a new leaf all the time, now! I'm talking about the adventurer, the freest, most fearless, most modern of all men, the one who preferred being massacred to rotting with others. I'm talking about the man who is like what all of us want to be. You and I.
** [[Klaus Kinski]], in ''Kinski Uncut : The Autobiography of Klaus Kinski'' (1996), p. 1–2

* After the fall of so many gods in this century, this person, broken at the hands of his opponents and constantly betrayed through the ages by his adherents, is obviously still for innumerable people the most moving figure in the long history of mankind.
** [[w:Hans Küng|Hans Küng]], theologian (b. 1928) (from: [http://jmm.aaa.net.au/articles/13353.htm])

* I accept the resurrection of Easter Sunday not as an invention of the community of disciples, but as a historical event. If the resurrection of Jesus from the dead on that Easter Sunday were a public event which had been made known...not only to the 530 Jewish witnesses but to the entire population, all Jews would have become followers of Jesus.
** [[w:Pinchas Lapide|Pinchas Lapide]], Orthodox Jewish scholar (b. 1922) (from: [http://jmm.aaa.net.au/articles/13353.htm])

* '''The true founder of anarchy was [[Jesus]] [[w:Christ|Christ]] and … the first anarchist society was that of the apostles.'''
** Georges Lechartier, as quoted in [http://www.ditext.com/woodcock/anarch.html ''Anarchism : A History of Libertarian Ideas and Movements'' (1962)] by [[George Woodcock]], [http://www.ditext.com/woodcock/2.html Part One : The Idea, Ch. 2 : The Family Tree p. 36]

* [The lawless men of Acts 2:23 who nailed Jesus to the cross and killed Him include] Judas Iscariot, chief priests, officers of the temple, elders, the high priest and Jewish Sanhedrin, Pilate, Herod, and the Roman soldiers – mainly the Jewish religionists with their deputies and the Gentile politicians with their subordinates. This indicates that Jesus was killed by all mankind.
** [[w:Witness Lee|Witness Lee]], The Acts of the Apostles, Recovery version, p. 13, ''Living Stream Ministry'', December 1984

* I am trying to prevent anyone saying the really foolish thing that people often say about Him, 'I'm ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don't accept His claim to be God.' That is the sort of thing we must not say. '''A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would either be a lunatic — on a level with the man who says he is a poached egg — or He would be the devil of hell.''' You must make a choice. Either this man was, and is, the Son of God; or else a madman or something worse. You can shut Him up for a fool, you can spit at Him and kill him as a demon; or you can fall at His feet and call Him Lord and God. But let us not come with any patronizing nonsense about His being a great human teacher. He has not left that open to us. He did not intend to.
** [[C. S. Lewis]] (from: ''Mere Christianity''[http://jmm.aaa.net.au/articles/13353.htm])

*Jesus of Nazareth and the [[Christ]] are not one and the same person. This is one of the most difficult claims for many Christians to accept in connection with [[Maitreya (Theosophy)|Maitreya]], the World Teacher, and it therefore needs some further explanation. In fact, the title Christ does not refer to an individual at all. It is the name of a function in the [[Masters of Wisdom|Hierarchy of Masters of Wisdom]], that group of advanced beings who guide the evolution of humanity from behind the scenes. ... In reality Jesus was a fourth-degree initiate and one of the older disciples of the Masters of Wisdom. He appeared before in biblical times as Joshua, the son of Nun, then as [[Isaiah]], and again as Joshua in the book of Zachariah... The events from Jesus' life and his words have been greatly misinterpreted due to this little-understood connection between his work and that of Maitreya the Christ. This has given rise to the age-old theological point of contention -- namely, whether Jesus was God or man, or perhaps both together. The answer is that Jesus was a man who, as a result of the process of evolution, became a Son of God -- as does everyone eventually. Others had gone before him on that path and many have taken it since.
**[https://share-international.org/archives/AgelessWisdom/aw_pl-JnM.htm Peter Liefhebber in Maitreya the Christ, ''Share International Magazine''] (April 1999)

*The Master Jesus has been incarnate in a Syrian body for about 640 years. He is described in ''Initiation, Human and Solar'' by [[Alice A. Bailey]]...as follows: He is rather a martial figure, a disciplinarian and a man of iron rule and will. He is tall and spare with rather a long thin face, black hair, pale complexion, and piercing blue eyes. In the Hierarchy he is described as the Great Leader, the General and the Wise Executive. No one is so closely in touch with the people who stand for all that is best in the Christian teachings and no-one is so well aware of the needs of the present moment. During most of this time he has lived mainly in Palestine. Since 1984, however, he has lived in Rome. The intention is that he will try to raise the Christian churches out of their state of crystallization and rivalry and, if invited to do so, to lead a newly united church. By doing so he hopes to resolve the many contradictions and misunderstandings which have arisen during the course of the centuries about his historic role and the teachings which he then disseminated as a vehicle for Maitreya.
**[https://share-international.org/archives/AgelessWisdom/aw_pl-JnM.htm Peter Liefhebber in Maitreya the Christ, ''Share International Magazine''] (April 1999)

* Christ is a new man. The new man is a Soviet man. Therefore Christ is a Soviet man!
** [[w:Justinian Marina|Justinian Marina]], [[w:Romania|Romanian]] patriarch, quoted by [[w:Czesław Miłosz|Czesław Miłosz]] in ''[[w:The Captive Mind|The Captive Mind]]'' (1953)

*'''Jesus, not [[Julius Caesar|Cæsar]]''', I repeat,—this is the meaning of our [[history]] and [[democracy]].
** {{citation
|title=The Religious Conditions in Czechoslovakia
|year=c1921
|first=Tomáš
|last=Garrigue Masaryk
| authorlink=Tomáš Garrigue Masaryk
| page=7
|url=https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/The_Religious_Conditions_in_Czechoslovakia
}}

* The last two thousand years have brought about a duality in man such as he never experienced before, and yet the man who dominates this whole period was one who stood for [[wholeness]], one who proclaimed the [[Holy Ghost]]. '''No [[life]] in the whole [[history]] of man has been so misinterpreted, so woefully misunderstood as [[Christ]]'s.'''
** [[Henry Miller]] in ''The Wisdom of the Heart'' (1941)

* '''[[Political]] leaders are never leaders. For leaders we have to look to the Awakeners!''' [[Laozi|Lao Tse]], [[Gautama Buddha|Buddha]], [[Socrates]], '''Jesus''', [[w:Milarepa|Milarepa]], [[G. I. Gurdjieff|Gurdjiev]], [[Jiddu Krishnamurti|Krishnamurti]].
** [[Henry Miller]], in ''My Bike &amp; Other Friends'' (1977), p. 12

*The disciples asked [[Jesus]]: Who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind?&quot; (John 9:2-3) How could a man sin before he was born, unless the sin was committed in [[Reincarnation|another life]]? The apostles are not asking what kind of sin resulted in blindness, but *who* sinned, taking for granted that the act of sinning itself brought about this dire result.&lt;BR&gt; Furthermore, the sin could have been committed either by the man in a previous existence, or by his parents. This implies both that the sins of the parents are visited upon the children, which is a biblical doctrine, and that the soul exists and therefore pays for the transgressions of previous lives.&lt;BR&gt; Jesus does not rebuff the apostles for asking such a question. If the doctrine had been alien to his mind, he would have told them that they were talking nonsense. 
**Jeanine Miller, in [https://www.share-international.org/archives/AgelessWisdom/aw_jmreincarn.htm ''Reincarnation and karma in the Bible (Share International)'']

* In his own lifetime Jesus made no impact on history. This is something that I cannot but regard as a special dispensation on God's part, and, I like to think, yet another example of the ironical humour which informs so many of his purposes. To me, it seems highly appropriate that the most important figure in all history should thus escape the notice of memoirists, diarists, commentators, all the tribe of chroniclers who even then existed.
** [[Malcolm Muggeridge]], journalist (1903–90) (from: [http://jmm.aaa.net.au/articles/13353.htm])

* '''Jesus died too soon. If he had lived to my age he would have repudiated his doctrine.'''
** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], ''[[w:Thus Spoke Zarathustra|Thus Spoke Zarathustra]]''

* When Jesus and his disciples are said to be in the world but not of the world, the meaning is clear enough. Although they live in the world they are not worldly, they do not subscribe to the present values and standards of the world. ... The values of the kingdom [of God] are different from, and opposed to, the values of this world. There is no reason for thinking that it means the kingdom will float in the air somewhere above the earth or that it will be an abstract entity without any tangible social and political structure.
** [[Albert Nolan]], ''Jesus Before Christianity: The Gospel of Liberation'' (1976), p. 48

* '''Jesus wanted to [[Liberty|liberate]] everyone from the [[law]] — from all laws. But this could not be achieved by abolishing or changing the law. He had to dethrone the law.''' He had to ensure that the law be man’s servant and not his master (Mark 2:27-28). '''Man must therefore take [[responsibility]] for his servant, the law, and use it to serve the needs of [[mankind]].'''
** [[Albert Nolan]], in ''Jesus Before Christianity: The Gospel of Liberation'' (1976), p. 72

* It is imperative that the contrasts between Christianity and Jesus be clearly revealed and strongly emphasized. First, because the real significance of Jesus is obscured by the widespread belief that organized Christianity truly reflects his religion; and second, because it will be practically impossible to abolish giant evils while they are hallowed by the blessing of the churches. As long as ministers and laymen labor under the delusion that contemporary Christianity is the same religion that Jesus practiced they will remain immunized against his way of life and will lack the vision.
** [[Kirby Page]], ''Jesus or Christianity A Study In Contrasts'' (1929)

* Those persons who were responsible for his tragic death had only the faintest understanding of what he was seeking to accomplish. Even his own disciples so completely misinterpreted his teaching that at the very end they argued among themselves as to who should have the chief places. ...they still visualized twelve thrones of solid gold and quarreled among themselves over the seats of honor on the right and left of the king. How much less able to fathom the meaning of his words and deeds were the ecclesiastical leaders.
** [[Kirby Page]], ''Jesus or Christianity A Study In Contrasts'' (1929)

* Where is it that the youth is to seek the energy to subdue his genital titillations? In [[faith]] in Jesus! As a matter of fact, he does derive an enormous [[power]] against his [[sexuality]] from his faith in Jesus. What is the basis of its mechanism? The [[mystical]] experience puts him in a state of vegetative excitation, which never culminates in natural orgastic gratification. The youth’s sexual drive develops in a passive [[homosexual]] direction. In terms of the drive’s energy, passive homosexuality is the most effective counterpart of [[natural]] [[masculine]] sexuality, for it replaces [[activity]] and [[aggression]] by [[passivity]] and [[masochistic]] [[attitudes]], that is to say, by precisely those attitudes that determine the mass basis of [[patriarchal]] [[authoritarian]] mysticism in the [[human]] structure. At the same time, however, this implies unquestioning [[loyalty]], faith in authority and ability to adapt to the institution of patriarchal compulsive [[marriage]]. In short, religious mysticism pits one sexual drive against another.
** [[Wilhelm Reich]], ''The Mass Psychology of Fascism'', (1933), p. 163.

* [[Healthy]] [[adolescent]] [[sexuality]] would not necessarily have to stifle [[veneration]] for the Jesus [[legend]]. The [[Bible|Old and the New Testament]] can be [[appreciated]] as stupendous [[achievements]] of the [[human]] [[mind]], but this appreciation should not be used to suppress sexuality. My [[medical]] [[experience]] has [[taught]] me that adolescents who are sexually [[sick]] have an unhealthy appreciation of the [[legend]] of Jesus. 
** [[Wilhelm Reich]], ''The Mass Psychology of Fascism'', (1933), p. 168.

* Will you touch, will you mend me Christ? &lt;br /&gt; Won't you touch, will you heal me Christ? &lt;br /&gt; Will you kiss, can you cure me Christ? &lt;br /&gt; Won't you kiss, won't you pay me Christ? &lt;br /&gt; 
:See my eyes, I can hardly see &lt;br /&gt; See me stand, I can hardly walk &lt;br /&gt; I believe you can make me whole &lt;br /&gt; See my tongue, I can hardly talk. &lt;br /&gt; 
:See my skin, I'm a mass of blood &lt;br /&gt; See my legs, I can hardly stand &lt;br /&gt; I believe you can make me well &lt;br /&gt; See my purse, I'm a poor, poor man.
:* [[Jesus Christ Superstar]], lyrics by Tim Rice (1970)

* So you are the Christ you're the great Jesus Christ &lt;br /&gt; Prove to me that you're divine - change my water into wine &lt;br /&gt; That's all you need to do then I'll know it's all true &lt;br /&gt; C'mon King of the Jews.
:Prove to me that you're no fool - walk across my swimming pool &lt;br /&gt; If you do that for me then I'll let you go free &lt;br /&gt; C'mon King of the Jews.
:* [[Jesus Christ Superstar]], lyrics by Tim Rice (1970)

* I remember when this whole thing began &lt;br /&gt; No talk of God then, we called you a man &lt;br /&gt; And believe me, my admiration for you hasn't died &lt;br /&gt; But every word you say today &lt;br /&gt; Gets twisted round some other way &lt;br /&gt; And they'll hurt if they think you've lied.
:* [[w:Tim Rice|Tim Rice]], [[Jesus Christ Superstar]] (1970): [[w:Judas|Judas]] in &quot;Heaven on Their Minds&quot; 

* You ask whether it is possible to understand the indication regarding the appearance of Christ in lesser images and in reality. Certainly. Medievalism made an inaccessible idol of Christ and deprived him of any humanity, therefore also of divinity. Thus, all the Teachings of the East proclaim that there is no god (or gods) who was not at one time a man. Such a forced separation of Christ from human essence threatened and still threatens a complete break in the communion of humanity with the Higher World. One can trace how in the Middle Ages there appeared every now and then great saints who tried to re-establish this almost lost communion, and all of them insisted precisely on the human essence of Christ. Especially strong affirmations of this can be found in the pages of the autobiography of [[Teresa of Ávila|St. Theresa]], the Spanish saint of the sixteenth century, and still earlier, in the visions and writings of [[Catherine of Siena|St. Catherine of Siena]] and St. Gertrude. Thus, the form and the quality of the visions and communications received through such communion always correspond with the level of the consciousness of those who see and receive them, and also with the needs of the time. As it was said, &quot;In is precisely by following the character of the visions that the best history of the intellect may be written.&quot;
**[[Helena Roerich]], ''Letters of Helena Roerich II'', (2 April 1936)

*I strongly recommend that all read the autobiography of [[Teresa of Ávila|St. Theresa]]. In spite of the fact that this work went through the &quot;spiritual&quot; censorship of the Church, some amazing pages have been preserved. By propagating the dogma of Jesus Christ as the only begotten Son of God, the Church contradicts the very sense of the prayer given to us by Jesus Christ himself, &quot;Our Father which art in heaven.&quot; And also the words of the Scriptures, &quot;So God created man in his own image.&quot; (Genesis 1:27) Thus, by claiming the exclusiveness of sonship and divine origin for Jesus Christ, the Church, by that very claim, forever divorced him from mankind. From this came a whole train of grave events; the exclusion of Jesus Christ from the life of humanity, the obliteration of his human Sacrifice and the awful suggestion implying that the death of Christ on the Cross saved humanity from &quot;original&quot; sin (?!) and from all subsequent sins.
** [[Helena Roerich]], in ''Letters of Helena Roerich II'', (2 April 1936)
 
* It is generally taken for granted that we should all agree that [Christ was the best and the wisest of men]. I do not myself.
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''[[w:Why I am not a Christian|Why I am not a Christian]]'' (1927), &quot;The Character of Christ&quot;

* You will remember that Christ said, &quot;Judge not lest ye be judged.&quot; That principle I do not think you would find was popular in the law courts of Christian countries. I have known in my time quite a number of judges who were very earnest Christians, and none of them felt that they were acting contrary to Christian principles in what they did. Then Christ says, &quot;Give to him that asketh of thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away.&quot; That is a very good principle... Then there is one other maxim of Christ which I think has a great deal in it, but I do not find that it is very popular among some of our Christian friends. '''He says, &quot;If thou wilt be perfect, go and sell that which thou hast, and give to the poor.&quot; That is a very excellent maxim, but, as I say, it is not much practised.''' All these, I think, are good maxims, although they are a little difficult to live up to. '''I do not profess to live up to them myself; but then, after all, it is not quite the same thing as for a Christian.'''
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''[http://www.users.drew.edu/~jlenz/whynot.html Why I am not a Christian]'' (1927), &quot;The Character of Christ&quot;

* Having granted the excellence of these maxims, I come to certain points in which I do not believe that one can grant either the superlative wisdom or the superlative goodness of Christ as depicted in the Gospels... there one does find some things that do not seem to be very wise. For one thing, he certainly thought that His second coming would occur in clouds of glory before the death of all the people who were living at that time. There are a great many texts that prove that. He says, for instance, &quot;Ye shall not have gone over the cities of Israel till the Son of Man be come.&quot; Then he says, &quot;There are some standing here which shall not taste death till the Son of Man comes into His kingdom&quot;; and there are a lot of places where '''it is quite clear that He believed that His second coming would happen during the lifetime of many then living.''' That was the belief of His earlier followers, and it was the basis of a good deal of His moral teaching. When He said, &quot;Take no thought for the morrow,&quot; and things of that sort, it was very largely because He thought that the second coming was going to be very soon, and that all ordinary mundane affairs did not count. I have, as a matter of fact, known some Christians who did believe that the second coming was imminent. I knew a parson who frightened his congregation terribly by telling them that the second coming was very imminent indeed, but they were much consoled when they found that he was planting trees in his garden. The early Christians did really believe it, and they did abstain from such things as planting trees in their gardens, because they did accept from Christ the belief that the second coming was imminent. '''In that respect, clearly He was not so wise as some other people have been, and He was certainly not superlatively wise.'''
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''Why I am not a Christian'' (1927), &quot;Defects in Christ's Teaching&quot;

* '''There is one very serious defect to my mind in Christ's moral character, and that is that He believed in Hell.''' I do not myself feel that any person who is really profoundly humane can believe in everlasting punishment. Christ certainly as depicted in the Gospels did believe in everlasting punishment, and one does find repeatedly a vindictive fury against those people who would not listen to His preaching — an attitude which is not uncommon with preachers, but which does somewhat detract from superlative excellence... You will find that in the Gospels Christ said, &quot;Ye serpents, ye generation of vipers, how can ye escape the damnation of Hell.&quot; That was said to people who did not like His preaching. It is not really to my mind quite the best tone, and there are a great many of these things about Hell. There is, of course, the familiar text about the sin against the Holy Ghost: &quot;Whosoever speaketh against the Holy Ghost it shall not be forgiven him neither in this World nor in the world to come.&quot; That text has caused an unspeakable amount of misery in the world, for all sorts of people have imagined that they have committed the sin against the Holy Ghost, and thought that it would not be forgiven them either in this world or in the world to come. I really do not think that a person with a proper degree of kindliness in his nature would have put fears and terrors of that sort into the world.
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''Why I am not a Christian'' (1927), &quot;The Moral Problem&quot;

* Christ says, &quot;The Son of Man shall send forth His angels, and they shall gather out of His kingdom all things that offend, and them which do iniquity, and shall cast them into a furnace of fire; there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth&quot;; and He goes on about the wailing and gnashing of teeth. It comes in one verse after another, and it is quite manifest to the reader that there is a certain pleasure in contemplating wailing and gnashing of teeth, or else it would not occur so often. Then you all, of course, remember about the sheep and the goats; how at the second coming He is going to divide the sheep from the goats, and He is going to say to the goats: &quot;Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire.&quot; He continues: &quot;And these shall go away into everlasting fire.&quot; Then He says again, &quot;If thy hand offend thee, cut it off; it is better for thee to enter into life maimed, than having two hands to go into Hell, into the fire that never shall be quenched, where the worm dieth not and the fire is not quenched.&quot; He repeats that again and again also. '''I must say that I think all this doctrine, that Hell-fire is a punishment for sin, is a doctrine of cruelty.''' It is a doctrine that put cruelty into the world, and gave the world generations of cruel torture; and the Christ of the Gospels, if you could take Him as his chroniclers represent Him, would certainly have to be considered partly responsible for that.
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''Why I am not a Christian'' (1927), &quot;The Moral Problem&quot;

* There is the instance of the Gadarene swine, where it certainly was not very kind to the pigs to put the devils into them and make them rush down the hill into the sea. You must remember that He was omnipotent, and He could have made the devils simply go away; but He chose to send them into the pigs. Then there is the curious story of the fig-tree, which always rather puzzled me. You remember what happened about the fig-tree. &quot;He was hungry; and seeing a fig-tree afar off having leaves, He came if haply He might find anything thereon; and when he came to it He found nothing but leaves, for the time of figs was not yet. And Jesus answered and said unto it: 'No man eat fruit of thee hereafter for ever'.... and Peter.... saith unto Him: 'Master, behold the fig-tree which thou cursedst is withered away.'&quot; This is a very curious story, because it was not the right time of year for figs, and you really could not blame the tree. '''I cannot myself feel that either in the matter of wisdom or in the matter of virtue Christ stands quite as high as some other people known to History. I think I should put [[Gautama Buddha|Buddha]] and [[Socrates]] above Him in those respects.'''
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''Why I am not a Christian'' (1927), &quot;The Moral Problem&quot;

* Christ said &quot;Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself&quot; and when asked &quot;who is thy neighbour? went on to the parable of the [[w:Good Samaritan|Good Samaritan]]. If you wish to understand this parable as it was understood by his hearers, you should substitute &quot;Germans and Japanese&quot; for Samaritan. '''I fear my modern day Christians would resent such a substitution, because it would compel them to realize how far they have departed from the teachings of the founder of their religion.'''
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''[[Unpopular Essays]]'' (1950), Ch. 9: Ideas That Have Helped Mankind

* There was no point of controversy between Jesus and the Jews; Jesus brought no new doctrine unto them. Jesus said, What the masters in Israel teach, what the Pharisees and the Scribes teach, is perfectly correct. There was no dogma which was the cause of controversy between Jesus and the nation; there was no new custom that Jesus introduced: He went into the Temple every day. He observed the ordinances and festivals of Israel. What was the subject of dispute and controversy between Jesus and the Jews? It was no doctrine, it was no innovation, it was Jesus Himself whom they rejected. There was an antipathy in them to the person of Jesus: it was the Lord Himself whom they hated, because they hated the Father. . . . But Jesus knew . . . that it was because He was one with the Father, because He was the express image of His being, because He was the perfect manifestation of the character of God, that they hated Him; and therefore Jesus was pained, not because they hated Him, but because they hated in Him the Father.
** Adolph Saphir{{source}}

* Jesus then realized he had been brought here under false pretences, as the lamb is led to sacrifice and that his life had been planned for death since the very beginning. Remembering the river of blood and suffering that would flow from his side and flood the entire earth, he called out to the open sky where God could be seen smiling, '''Men, forgive Him, for He knows not what He has done.'''
** [[José Saramago]], ''[[w:The Gospel According to Jesus Christ|O Evangelho Segundo Jesus Cristo]]'' (1991); ''The Gospel According to Jesus Christ'', trans. [[w:Giovanni Pontiero|Giovanni Pontiero]] (1993), p. 341

* No sooner had Jesus knocked over the dragon of superstition than [[Paul of Tarsus|Paul]] boldly set it on its legs again in the name of Jesus.
** [[George Bernard Shaw]], ''Androcles and the Lion'' (1913)

* '''In the most deeply significant of the legends concerning Jesus, we are told how the [[devil]] took him up into a high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the [[world]] in a moment of [[time]]'''; and the devil said unto him: &quot;All this [[power]] will I give unto thee, and the [[glory]] of them, for that is delivered unto me, and to whomsoever I will, I give it. If thou, therefore, wilt worship me, all shall be thine.&quot; '''Jesus, as we know, answered and said &quot;Get thee behind me, [[Satan]]!&quot; And he really meant it; he would have nothing to do with worldly glory, with &quot;temporal power;&quot; he chose the career of a revolutionary agitator, and died the [[death]] of a disturber of the [[peace]].''' And for two or three centuries his church followed in his footsteps, cherishing his proletarian gospel. The early Christians had &quot;all things in common, except women;&quot; they lived as social outcasts, hiding in deserted catacombs, and being thrown to lions and boiled in oil. &lt;br /&gt; But the devil is a subtle worm; he does not give up at one defeat, for he knows human nature, and the strength of the forces which battle for him. '''He failed to get Jesus, but he came again, to get Jesus' church.''' He came when, through the power of the new revolutionary idea, the Church had won a position of tremendous power in the decaying Roman Empire; and the subtle worm assumed the guise of no less a person than [[Constantine the Great|the Emperor himself]], suggesting that he should become a convert to the new faith, so that the Church and he might work together for the greater glory of God. '''The bishops and fathers of the Church, ambitious for their organization, fell for this scheme, and Satan went off laughing to himself. He had got everything he had asked from Jesus three hundred years before; he had got the world's greatest religion.'''
** [[Upton Sinclair]], in ''The Profits of Religion : An Essay in Economic Interpretation'' (1918), Book Seven : The Church of the Social Revolution, &quot;Christ and Caesar&quot;

* At its beginnings there was very powerful meditation on the presence of Christ in the oppressed [[w:Indigenous peoples of the Americas|Indians]], which objectively pointed toward a [[w:Christology|christology]] of the &quot;[[w:body of Christ|body of Christ]].&quot; [[w:Felipe Guaman Poma de Ayala|Guamán Poma]], for example, said, &quot;By faith we know clearly that where there is a poor person there is Jesus Christ himself,&quot; and [[Bartolomé de las Casas]] declared, &quot;In the Indies I leave Jesus Christ, our God, being whipped and afflicted, and buffeted and crucified, not once but thousands of times, as often as the Spaniards assault and destroy those people.&quot; But this original [[w:Christology|christological]] insight did not thrive, and what became the tradition was a christology based on the dogmatic formulas, in which&amp;mdash;however well they were known and understood&amp;mdash;what was stressed was the [[w:Hypostatic union|divinity of Christ]] rather than his real and lived humanity.
** [[Jon Sobrino]], ''Jesus the Liberator'' (1991), p. 11

* The sublime title &quot;[[wikt:Χριστός|Christ]]&quot; is an adjective which only receives its specific value from the specificity of the noun, [[w:Jesus of Nazareth|Jesus of Nazareth]]. If Jesus is forgotten, then it becomes possible to fill the adjective with whatever suits at the time, without checking whether Jesus was like that or not, or whether this means leaving the world sunk in its wretchedness or not; or worse still, without asking if this image legitimates the tragedy of the world or brings liberation from it.
** [[Jon Sobrino]], ''Jesus the Liberator'' (1991), p. 15

* '''Christ did not ask or want to be what he was not.'''
** [[Dejan Stojanovic]], in ''The Sun Watches the Sun'' (1999) “Christ” (Sequence: “Is It Possible to Write a Poem”)

* Burning the witch [[Giordano Bruno]] is one more wound inflicted on [[w:Christ|Christ]]’s body.
** [[Dejan Stojanovic]], in ''The Sun Watches the Sun'' (1999) “Christ” (Sequence: “Is It Possible to Write a Poem”)

* The two main Pillars of our Civilization,&lt;br /&gt;Jesus and [[Shakespeare]] said:&lt;br /&gt;&quot;Nothing shall be impossible to Humans&quot; (Jesus)&lt;br /&gt;&quot;Impossibility is only seemingly impossible&quot; (Shak.)
** B. B. Stoller, ''[[Biologizing the Universe]]'' (1983)

* Few subsequent gurus seem to have matched the simplicity and directness of Jesus′s message; but it must be remembered that we have very little information. If the world had possessed a detailed biographical account of Jesus, an authentic picture of what he was like as a man, it is quite possible that Christianity would not have been estabished as a world religion.
** [[Anthony Storr]], ''Feet of Clay; Saints, Sinners, and Madmen: A Study of Gurus'' (New York: Free Press Paperbacks, 1997), p. 147

* Where is my faith? Even deep down … there is nothing but emptiness and darkness … If there be God—please forgive me. When I try to raise my thoughts to Heaven, there is such convicting emptiness that those very thoughts return like sharp knives and hurt my very soul … How painful is this unknown pain—I have no Faith. Repulsed, empty, no faith, no love, no zeal, … What do I labor for? If there be no God, there can be no soul. If there be no soul then, Jesus, You also are not true.
** [[Mother Teresa]], ''Letters''. {{cite book | title = Mother Teresa: Come Be My Light | last = Teresa | first = Mother | last2 = Kolodiejchuk | first2 = Brian | year = 2007 | publisher = Doubleday | location = New York | isbn = 0385520379 | url = http://books.google.com/books?id=EVaPAgAACAAJ&amp;dq=Mother+Teresa:+Come+Be+My+Light }}

* '''This doctrine of the [[w:Kingdom of Heaven|Kingdom of Heaven]], which was the main teaching of [[Jesus]], and which plays so small a part in the [[Christian]] creeds, is certainly one of the most revolutionary doctrines that ever stirred and changed [[human]] [[thought]].''' It is small [[wonder]] if, the [[world]] of that time failed to grasp its full significance, and recoiled in dismay from even a half apprehension of its tremendous [[challenges]] to the established [[habits]] and institutions of [[mankind]]. It is small wonder if the hesitating convert and disciple presently went back to the old familiar ideas of temple and altar, of fierce deity and propitiatory observance, of consecrated priest and magic blessing, and these things being attended to reverted then to the dear old habitual life of hates and profits and competition and pride. '''For the doctrine of the Kingdom of Heaven, as Jesus seems to have preached it, was no less than a bold and uncompromising demand for a complete change and cleansing of the life of our struggling race, an utter cleansing, without and within.'''
** [[H. G. Wells]], in ''[[w:The Outline of History|The Outline of History : Being a Plain History of Life and Mankind]]'' (1920), &quot;The Teachings of Jesus of Nazareth&quot;

* You cannot claim to worship Jesus in the tabernacle if you do not pity Jesus in the slum.
** [[Frank Weston]], Address to the Second Anglo-Catholic Congress (1923), in ''Radical Christian Writings: A Reader'' (2002), p. 200

* A dichotomy between the religious and the social must be imported into the &amp;#91;[[New Testament]]&amp;#93;; it cannot be found there. The &quot;cross&quot; of Jesus was a political punishment; and when Christians are made to suffer by government it is usually because because of the practical import of their faith, and the doubt they cast upon the rulers' claim to be &quot;Benefactor.&quot;
** [[John Howard Yoder]], ''The Politics of Jesus'' (1972), p. 125

* Reward for information leading to the apprehension of — &lt;br /&gt; '''Jesus [[Christ|Christ]] &lt;br /&gt; Wanted — For Sedition, [[w:Christian anarchism|Criminal Anarchy]] — Vagrancy, and Conspiring to Overthrow the Established Government.''' &lt;br /&gt; Dresses poorly, said to be a carpenter by trade, ill-nourished, has visionary ideas, associates with common working people, the unemployed and bums. Alien — believed to be a Jew. Alias: &quot;Prince of Peace. Son of Man.&quot; &quot;Light of the world&quot; &amp;c. &amp;c. Professional Agitator, Red beard, marks on hands and feet the result of injuries inflicted by an angry mob led by respectable citizens and legal authorities.
** [[w:Art Young|Art Young]], Jesus Christ &quot;wanted-poster&quot; political cartoon in ''[[w:The Masses|The Masses]]'' (1 November 1917)

* The world of Jesus is the world of sunlight by comparison with that of all the sages and philosophers and the schoolmen of any country. Like the Jungfrau which stands above the glaciers in the world of snow and seems to touch heaven itself, Jesus' teachings have that immediacy and clarity and simplicity which puts to shame all other efforts of men's minds to know God or to inquire after God.
** [[Lin Yutang]], ''From Pagan to Christian'' (1959), p. 223

* At the time of the Crucifixion the dogwood had been the size of the oak and other forest trees. So firm and strong was the tree that it was chosen as the timber for the cross. To be used thus for such a cruel purpose greatly distressed the tree, and Jesus, nailed upon it, sensed this, and, in His gentle pity for all sorrow and suffering, said to it: &quot;Because of your regret and pity for My suffering, never again shall the dogwood tree grow large enough to be used as a cross. &lt;br /&gt; &quot;Henceforth it shall be slender and bent and twisted and its blossoms shall be in the form of a cross—two long and two short petals. And in the center of each petal there will be nail prints, brown with rust and stained with red, and in the center of the flower will be a crown of thorns, and all who see it will remember&quot;.
** Author unknown, &quot;Legend of the Dogwood&quot;; reported in Maxwell Droke, ''The Speaker's Special Occasion Book'' (1954), p. 159–60

====''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations''====
:&lt;small&gt;Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 114–115.&lt;/small&gt;

* There is a green hill far away, &lt;br /&gt; Without a city wall, &lt;br /&gt; Where the dear Lord was crucified &lt;br /&gt; Who died to save us all.
** [[Cecil Frances Alexander]], ''There is a Green Hill''

*Fundamentally, our Lord's message was Himself. He did not come merely to preach a Gospel; He himself is that Gospel. He did not come merely to give bread; He said, &quot;I am the bread&quot;. He did not come merely to shed light; He said, &quot;I am the light&quot;. He did not come merely to show the door; He said, &quot;I am the door&quot;. He did not come merely to name a shepherd; He said, &quot;I am the shepherd&quot;. He did not come merely to point the way; He said, &quot;I am the way, the truth, and the life&quot;.
** [[J. Sidlow Baxter]], ''Baxter's Explore the Book'' (1987) p. 308.

* Hail, O bleeding Head and wounded, &lt;br /&gt; With a crown of thorns surrounded, &lt;br /&gt; Buffeted, and bruised and battered, &lt;br /&gt; Smote with reed by striking shattered, &lt;br /&gt; Face with spittle vilely smeared! &lt;br /&gt; Hail, whose visage sweet and comely, &lt;br /&gt; Marred by fouling stains and homely, &lt;br /&gt; Changed as to its blooming color, &lt;br /&gt; All now turned to deathly pallor, &lt;br /&gt; Making heavenly hosts affeared!
** [[St. Bernard of Clairvaux]], ''Passion Hymn'', 'Braham Coles' translation

* In every pang that rends the heart &lt;br /&gt; The Man of Sorrows had a part.
** [[Michael Bruce]], ''Gospel Sonnets'', ''Christ Ascended''. Attributed to John Logan, who issued the poems with emendations of his own. &quot;Every pang that rends the heart.&quot; See also [[Oliver Goldsmith]], ''The Captivity''

* Lovely was the death &lt;br /&gt; Of Him whose life was Love! Holy with power, &lt;br /&gt; He on the thought-benighted Skeptic beamed &lt;br /&gt; Manifest Godhead.
** [[Samuel Taylor Coleridge]], ''Religious Musings'', line 29

* A pagan heart, a Christian soul had he. &lt;br /&gt; He followed Christ, yet for dead Pan he sighed, &lt;br /&gt; As if Theocritus in Sicily &lt;br /&gt; Had come upon the Figure crucified, &lt;br /&gt; And lost his gods in deep, Christ-given rest.
** [[Maurice Francis Egan]], ''Maurice de Gurin''

* Fra Lippo, we have learned from thee &lt;br /&gt; A lesson of humanity: &lt;br /&gt; To every mother's heart forlorn, &lt;br /&gt; In every house the Christ is born.
** [[R. W. Gilder]], ''A Madonna of Fra Lippo Lippi''

* In darkness there is no choice. It is light that enables us to see the differences between things; and it is Christ that gives us light.
** J. C. and A. W. Hare, ''Guesses at Truth''

* Who did leave His Father's throne, &lt;br /&gt; To assume thy flesh and bone? &lt;br /&gt; Had He life, or had He none? &lt;br /&gt; If he had not liv'd for thee, &lt;br /&gt; Thou hadst died most wretchedly &lt;br /&gt; And two deaths had been thy fee.
** [[George Herbert]], ''The Church'', ''Business''

* ''Vicisti, Galliloæ.''
** Thou hast conquered, O Galilæan.
** Attributed to [[Julian the Apostate]]. [[Montaigne]], ''Essays'', Book II, Chapter XIX. Claim dismissed by German and French scholars. Emperor Justinian at the dedication of the Cathedral of St. Sophia, built on the plan of the Temple of Jerusalem, said: &quot;I have vanquished thee, O Solomon&quot;

* All His glory and beauty come from within, and there He delights to dwell, His visits there are frequent, His conversation sweet, His comforts refreshing; and His peace passing all understanding.
** [[Thomas à Kempis]], ''Imitation of Christ'', Book II, Chapter I. Dibdin's translation

* Into the woods, my Master went, &lt;br /&gt; Clean forspent, forspent. &lt;br /&gt; Into the woods my Master came, &lt;br /&gt; Forspent with love and shame. &lt;br /&gt; But the olives they were not blind to Him, &lt;br /&gt; The little gray leaves were kind to Him: &lt;br /&gt; The thorn-tree had a mind to Him, &lt;br /&gt; When into the woods He came.
** [[Sidney Lanier]], ''A Ballad of Trees and the Master''

* God never gave man a thing to do concerning which it were irreverent to ponder how the Son of God would have done it.
** [[George MacDonald]], ''The Marquis of Lossie'', Volume II, Chapter XVII

* The foxes have holes, and the birds of the air have nests; but the Son of Man hath not where to lay his head.
** Matthew, VIII. 20

* For man he seems &lt;br /&gt; In all his lineaments, though in his face &lt;br /&gt; The glimpses of his Fathers glory shine.
** [[John Milton]], ''Paradise Regain'd'' (originally published in 1671), lines 91–93; in ''The Works of John Milton'' (1931), vol. 2, part 2, p. 408. Satan is speaking of Christ.

* The Pilot of the Galilean Lake.
** [[John Milton]], ''Lycidas'', line 109

* Near, so very near to God, &lt;br /&gt; Nearer I cannot be; &lt;br /&gt; For in the person of his Son &lt;br /&gt; I am as near as he.
** [[Catesby Paget]], ''Hymn''

* But chiefly Thou, &lt;br /&gt; Whom soft-eyed Pity once led down from Heaven &lt;br /&gt; To bleed for man, to teach him how to live, &lt;br /&gt; And, oh! still harder lesson! how to die.
** [[Beilby Porteus]], ''Death'', line 316

* The sublime title &quot;[[wikt:Χριστός|Christ]]&quot; is an adjective which only receives its specific value from the specificity of the noun, [[w:Jesus of Nazareth|Jesus of Nazareth]]. If Jesus is forgotten, then it becomes possible to fill the adjective with whatever suits at the time, without checking whether Jesus was like that or not, or whether this means leaving the world sunk in its wretchedness or not; or worse still, without asking if this image legitimates the tragedy of the world or brings liberation from it.
** [[Jon Sobrino]], ''Jesus the Liberator'' (1991), p. 15

* Thou hast conquered, O pale Galilean; &lt;br /&gt; The world has grown gray from thy breath; &lt;br /&gt; We have drunken from things Lethean, &lt;br /&gt; And fed on the fullness of death.
** [[Algernon Charles Swinburne]], ''Hymn to Proserpine''

* And so the Word had breath, and wrought &lt;br /&gt; With human hands the creed of creeds &lt;br /&gt; In loveliness of perfect deeds, &lt;br /&gt; More strong than all poetic thoughts; &lt;br /&gt; Which he may read that binds the sheaf, &lt;br /&gt; Or builds the house, or digs the grave, &lt;br /&gt; And those wild eyes that watch the waves &lt;br /&gt; In roarings round the coral reef.
** [[Alfred Tennyson]], ''[[In Memoriam A.H.H.]]'' (1849), XXXVI

* His love at once and dread instruct our thought; &lt;br /&gt; As man He suffer'd and as God He taught.
** [[Edmund Waller]], ''Of Divine Love'', Canto III, line 41

* Even to atheists he is the supremely good man, the exemplar and moral authority with whom no one may disagree.
** [[Alan Watts]], ''Beyond Theology: The Art of Godmanship'' (1964)

* Whosoever on the night of the nativity of the young Lord Jesus, in the great snows, shall fare forth bearing a succulent bone for the lost and lamenting hounds, a wisp of hay for the shivering horse, a cloak of warm raiment for the stranded wayfarer, a bundle of fagots for the twittering crone, a flagon of red wine for him whose marrow withers, a garland of bright red berries for one who has worn chains, a dish of crumbs with a song of love for all huddled birds who thought that song was dead, and divers lush sweetmeats for such babes' faces as peer from lonely windows, to him shall be proffered and returned gifts of such an astonishment as will rival the hues of the peacock and the harmonies of heaven, so that though he live to the great age when man goes stooping and querulous because of the nothing that is left of him, yet shall he walk upright and remembering, as one whose heart shines like a great star in his breast.
** Author unknown; reported in ''Respectfully Quoted: A Dictionary of Quotations'' (1989)

===The Twenty-First Century===
[[File:Caravaggio 001.jpg|thumb|God in Christ is a different kind of lord who is not in solidarity with the powerful but in solidarity with the lowly. ~ [[Joerg Rieger]]]]
[[File:ChristandThorns.jpg|thumb|Jesus...is the final priest who makes all priesthood obsolete&amp;mdash;not merely the performance of ritual sacrifice, but the office, pomp and circumstance of priestly authority and hierarchy itself. ~ Ronald E. Osborn]]

* Jesus is a remarkable person... He was on his way to becoming [[w:Christ|Christ]], and he made it.
** [[Ray Bradbury]], as quoted in [http://articles.cnn.com/2010-08-02/living/Bradbury_1_ray-bradbury-dandelion-wine-sam-weller?_s=PM:LIVING Sci-fi legend &quot;Ray Bradbury on God, 'monsters and angels'&quot; by John Blake, ''CNN : Living'' (2 August 2010)]

* [[Arius]] began to say things like this in his sermons and writings: &quot;If God and Christ were equal then Christ should be called God’s brother, not God’s Son.&quot; People puzzled about that. They were hearing now something different from this presbyter than they were hearing from the bishop. And Arius also created the very famous saying, &quot;There was a time when He was not.&quot; &quot;There was a time when the Son did not exist.&quot; So in his view, Christ became what we could call a third thing. He is neither God nor is He man, but something in between. There is God and there is the Son and there is the rest of creation. So rather than having two things you have a ''tertium quid'', a third thing — neither god nor man.
** David Calhoun, in ''Ancient &amp; Medieval Church History'' (2006), Lesson 12 &lt;!-- Dead link: http://worldwidefreeresources.com/upload/CH310_T_12.pdf --&gt;

* It's often said of Jesus that he could have saved himself, but he chose not to. And if you read the Gospels it's clear that he could have talked himself out of that crucifixion quite easily, but he was just too stubborn. The Romans didn't really want to kill him at all, but in the end they went along with it because he was being such a prick about it. The truth is he couldn't wait to get up on that cross. In fact, I think Christianity only exists because Jesus Christ just happened to be a masochist. I think he took one look at the hammer and nails and he couldn't believe his luck. He thought, &quot;Well, in three days I'll be in Heaven, but until then I'm going to enjoy myself.&quot;
** [[Pat Condell]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RCPwdfQyxe4 ''Happy Easter''] ([[April 5]], 2007; from [[w:YouTube|YouTube]])

* I've heard it suggested from some people that Christians are so irrationally obsessed with [homosexuality] because deep down they're terrified that Jesus himself might have been gay. There's no real evidence for it, but then there's no real evidence for anything to do with religion. So yeah, I'll buy it. Well, keep an open mind, that's what I always say. … If we take the actual Gospels as gospel then what we've got is a man in his thirties, unmarried in a culture where it's almost unheard of for a man of thirty to be unmarried. Plus, come on, you can't ignore the twelve boyfriends, especially when there's a missing passage from the Gospel of Mark that actually describes Jesus spending a night with a naked youth. We're told that the youth came to Jesus wearing a linen cloth over his naked body, and stayed with him that night, 'for Jesus taught him the mystery of the kingdom of God.' I bet he did. Along with one or two other little mysteries while he was at it. Well, why not? He was only human. The apostle John repeatedly refers to himself as the one who Jesus specially loved. I don't know whether he meant it &quot;in the Greek manner&quot;, so to speak, but what would it matter if he did? This is the point. If Jesus was gay, would it negate the teachings and the parables? Would the Sermon on the Mount lose its authority if preached by the queen of queens rather than the king of kings? And if somebody could prove historically, beyond all doubt, that Jesus was in fact homosexual, would Christians then reject Jesus, or would they reject the evidence as usual? Your guess is as good as mine. From what I've read in the Gospels, I think Jesus was a pretty common sense sort of person, and I don't think he would have had a problem with anybody being who they are. I do think, though, that he had a problem with people who pretend to be one thing while being another.
** [[Pat Condell]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ReYfDlIa-Z8 ''Was Jesus gay?''] ([[November 2]], 2007; from [[w:YouTube|YouTube]])

*Jesus of Nazareth (4.0) 6 1 1 2 1 (His point in evolution &amp; rays)  
**[[Benjamin Creme]] in The List of [[Initiation (theosophy)|Initiates]], Their rays and stage of evolution, as published in ''Maitreya’s Mission Volumes One, Two and Three'', as well as those published in ''Share International'' between April 1997 and August 2014.

* Of course Jesus was a theist, but that is the least interesting thing about him. He was a theist because, in his time, everybody was. Atheism was not an option, even for so radical a thinker as Jesus. What was interesting and remarkable about Jesus was not the obvious fact that he believed in the God of his Jewish religion, but that he rebelled against many aspects of Yahweh's vengeful nastiness. At least in the teachings that are attributed to him, he publicly advocated niceness and was one of the first to do so. To those steeped in the Sharia-like cruelties of Leviticus and Deuteronomy; to those brought up to fear the vindictive, Ayatollah-like God of Abraham and Isaac, a charismatic young preacher who advocated generous forgiveness must have seemed radical to the point of subversion. No wonder they nailed him.
** [[Richard Dawkins]], essay ''[http://old.richarddawkins.net/articles/20-atheists-for-jesus Atheists for Jesus]'' (April 2006)

[[File:Juan de Juanes 002.jpg|thumb|Jesus Christ—who, as it turns out, was born of a virgin, cheated death, and rose bodily into the heavens—can now be eaten in the form of a cracker.~ [[Sam Harris]]]]

* “Gentle Jesus, meek and mild.
** [[Richard Dawkins]] as quoted by [[w:Alister McGrath|Alister McGrath]], &quot;''The Dawkins Delusion: Atheist Fundamentalism and the Denial of the Divine''&quot; (2011)

* In 1939, in a stadium much like this, in Munich Germany, they packed it out with young men and women in brown shirts, for a fanatical man standing behind a podium named Adolf Hitler, the personification of evil. And in that stadium, those in brown shirts formed with their bodies a sign that said, in the whole stadium, &quot;Hitler, we are yours.&quot; And they nearly took the world. Lenin once said, &quot;give me 100 committed, totally committed men and I'll change the world.&quot; And, he nearly did. A few years ago, they took the sayings of Chairman Mao, in China, put them in a little red book, and a group of young people committed them to memory and put it in their minds and they took that nation, the largest nation in the world by storm because they committed to memory the sayings of the Chairman Mao. When I hear those kinds of stories, I think 'what would happen if American Christians, if world Christians, if just the Christians in this stadium, followers of Christ, would say 'Jesus, we are yours'? What kind of spiritual awakening would we have?
** Pastor [[Rick Warren]] (17 April [[2005]]) speech at the Anaheim Angels sports stadium, [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bruce-wilson/follow-jesus-like-nazis-f_b_158295.html transcript and video]

* Jesus Christ—who, as it turns out, was born of a virgin, cheated death, and rose bodily into the heavens—can now be eaten in the form of a cracker.
** [[Sam Harris]], ''The End of Faith'' (2004), p. 73

* If you wake up tomorrow morning thinking that saying a few Latin words over your pancakes is going to turn them into the body of [[Elvis Presley]], you have lost your mind. But if you think more or less the same thing about a cracker and the body of Jesus, you're just a Catholic.
** [[Sam Harris]], [[w:Notre Dame University|Notre Dame]] [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ljXCHgPaZO4 debate] with William Lane Craig, 7&amp;nbsp;April 2011

* The god of Moses would call for other tribes, including his favorite one, to suffer massacre and plague and even extirpation, but when the grave closed over his victims he was essentially finished with them unless he remembered to curse their succeeding progeny. Not until the advent of the Prince of Peace do we hear of the ghastly idea of further punishing and torturing the dead.
** [[w:Christopher Hitchens|Christopher Hitchens]], ''[[God is Not Great|God is not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything]]'', pp.&amp;nbsp;175–176 (2007)}

* [Christ of Revelation] comes forth as one who no longer seeks either friendship or love … His garments are dipped in blood, the blood of others. He descends that he may shed the blood of men.
** Isaac Haldemann, quoted by [[w:Karen Armstrong|Karen Armstrong]] (2007) in ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=abDXgrePDLUC&amp;pg=PA209&amp;dq=isaac+haldemann&amp;sig=-BYPkXqdcqeeRhAMQx3PhTQw4Nc The Bible: A Biography]'', p. 209

* [[Jesus]] is great — is there a better role model? No. It's religion, it's the people who get in between — the bureaucracy, you know. … It's the way people abuse Jesus. Was there ever a greater victim of name dropping?
** [[Bill Maher]], ''Be More Cynical'' (2000) - [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h4WMBzived0 YouTube clip &quot;Bill Maher on Jesus&quot;]
** Variants: '''I love Jesus. I just don’t like the Christians who don’t believe in what he says.'''
*** [http://www.billmaher.com/?page_id=145 ''Realtime'' (7 October 2005)]
**''' Jesus, as a philosopher is wonderful. There's no greater role model, in my view, than Jesus Christ.''' It's just a shame that most of the people who follow him and call themselves Christians act nothing like him.
*** Interviewed on ''The O'Reilly Factor'' (26 September 2006) - [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2555oNAMcfA YouTube clip &quot;Fox's O'Reilly: Bill Maher Looks Bigoted Not John Rocker?&quot;]

* '''Jesus ... is the final priest who makes all priesthood obsolete — not merely the performance of ritual sacrifice, but the office, pomp and circumstance of priestly authority and hierarchy itself.''' Instead of deferring to any caste of religious hierarchs, followers of the Way are thus now summoned to collectively ''be'' a &quot;royal priesthood,&quot; a &quot;chosen race&quot; or &quot;holy nation&quot; built not upon offices of any kind but upon transferred allegiance to God's in-breaking &quot;kingdom.&quot;
** Ronald E. Osborn, ''Anarchy and Apocalypse : Essays on Faith, Violence, and Theodicy'' (2010), pp.35–36

* Although Christ commits many acts that might be considered revolutionary […] He is nonetheless explicitly portrayed in the Gospels as the master of [[tradition]].
** [[Jordan Peterson]], ''[[Beyond Order]]'' (2021), p. 197

* God in Christ is a different kind of lord who is not in solidarity with the powerful but in solidarity with the lowly. ... This position&amp;mdash;at the heart of the new world proclaimed by [[Paul of Tarsus|Paul]]&amp;mdash;directly contradicts the logic of the Roman Empire.
** [[Joerg Rieger]], ''Christ and Empire'' (2007), p. 52

* I wear this Saint Christopher medal sometimes because — I'm Jewish — but my boyfriend is Catholic. It was cute, the way he gave it to me. He said if it doesn't burn through my skin, it will protect me. Who cares? Different religions. &lt;br /&gt; The only time it's an issue, I suppose, would be like if you're having a baby and you've got to figure out how you want to raise it. Which still wouldn't be an issue for us, because we'd be … honest, and just say, you know, like, &quot;Mommy is one of the chosen people … and daddy believes that Jesus is ''[[magic]]''!&quot;
** [[Sarah Silverman]] in ''[[w:Sarah Silverman: Jesus Is Magic|Jesus Is Magic]]'' (2005)

* I don't believe in Jesus or [[God]]. But I do believe that fundamentalists in religion or anything else are bad, and that they have more hate than love. Jesus' words have become so perverted over time — it's been like a [[w:Chinese whispers|game of telephone]]. If he existed, Jesus would fuckin' kill himself.
** [[Sarah Silverman]], in an interview with boyfriend [[Jimmy Kimmel]] for ''Esquire'' magazine (January 2007)

* Jesus is said to have said on the cross, &quot;My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?&quot; Because Jesus was insane and the God he thought would rescue him did not exist. And he died on that cross like a fool. He fancied himself the son of God and he could barely convince twelve men to follow him at a time when the world was full of superstition.
** [[w:Cenk Uygur|Cenk Uygur]], [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/cenk-uygur/if-youre-a-christian-musl_b_9349.html &quot;If You're a Christian, Muslim or Jew - You are Wrong&quot;, ''The Huffington Post'' (25 May 2011)]

* &quot;It {{anchor|WenhamJW2005}}now seems to me that these resurrection stories exhibit in a remarkable way the well-known characteristics of accurate and independent reporting, for superficially they show great disharmony, but on close examination the details gradually fall into place.&quot; (Wenham 2005 p11.)
**&quot;I first became interested in the subject in 1945 when living in Jerusalem....&quot; (Wenham 2005 p10.) [John Wenham also wrote &quot;The Elements of New Testament Greek&quot; (Cambridge: Cambridge University Press, 1965, 1991).]
**&quot;None of them [the gospel writers and Paul] attempts to tell the whole story; all would echo John's closing words: &quot;There are also many other things which Jesus did; were every one of them to be written, I suppose that the world itself could not contain the books that would be written.&quot;&quot; (Wenham 2005 p43.)
**&quot;Bethany was nearly two miles from the city....&quot; (Wenham 2005 p45.)
**&quot;… the Paschal full moon.&quot; (Wenham 2005 p49.)
**&quot;...it could have been undeniably dark on the women's departure and undeniably light on their arrival, particularly if their starting-point were Bethany.... the words &quot;went&quot; in Matthew, Mark and Luke [RSV] translate the same verb as the &quot;came&quot; in John.... If John is thinking of Mary Magdalene setting off from Bethany, the translation &quot;went to the tomb early, while it was still dark&quot; would be precisely accurate.&quot; (Wenham 2005 pp81f re John 20:1.)
**&quot;Mary's words '&lt;i&gt;we&lt;/i&gt; do not know where they have laid him' clearly imply the presence of other women.&quot; (Wenham 2005 p91, emphasis Wenham's, re John 20:2.)
**&quot;… an angel, depicted as all biblical angels are, not as a winged creature, but as a man. The two-winged cherubim and six-winged seraphim are scarcely angels.&quot; (Wenham 2005 p85.)
**&quot;If witnesses, who had been in the tomb at the same time, had been asked independently, &quot;Precisely how many men did you see?&quot; and had given different answers, that would have shown one or other to be unreliable. But these witnesses are not answering the question &quot;How many?&quot;, they are giving (as all descriptions must be) incomplete descriptions of a complex event.&quot; (Wenham 2005 p87.)
**&quot;John.... saw, not disorder left by grave-robbers, but the visible tokens of his master set free from the bonds of death.&quot; (Wenham 2005 p93 re John 20:8 &quot;saw, and believed&quot;.)
**&quot;As the two appearances [of the Saviour] are distinct, that to Mary Magdalene must be put first (as Mark 16:9 says) and the second must be put at a sufficient interval after the women's flight from the tomb to allow for all the comings and goings recorded by John.... this [second] meeting [Matthew 28:9,10 &quot;Jesus met them&quot;] somewhere on the track between Jerusalem and Bethany....&quot; (Wenham 2005 p95f.)
*** [[w:John Wenham|John W Wenham,]] (1984, 1992, 2005), &quot;Easter Enigma – Are the Resurrection Accounts in Conflict?&quot; Milton Keynes, England: Paternoster. Eugene, Oregon: Wipf &amp; Stock. Chapters 7–11

* There's a lot of need for Jesus, so there is a lot of Jesus.
** the Nordic god [[w:Wuotan|Wuotan]] in the speculative fiction television series ''[[American Gods (TV series)|American Gods]]'' (first season, 2017)

==See also==
* [[Ageless Wisdom teachings]]
* [[Bible]]
* [[Christ]]
* [[Christianity]]
* [[Christian anarchism]]
* [[Gospel of John]]
* [[Gospel of Luke]]
* [[Gospel of Mark]]
* [[Gospel of Matthew]]
* [[Gospel of Thomas]]
* [[Masters of Wisdom]]
* [[New Testament]]
* [[Prophecies]]
* [[Race and appearance of Jesus]]
* [[Second Coming]]

==External links==
{{Wikipedia}}{{Wiktionary}}{{commonscat|Jesus Christ}}{{wikisource author|Jesus of Nazareth}}
*{{nndb name|774/000027693}}

A Brief List of further sources of the statements of Jesus, and information on various Christian Scriptures and Doctrines.

'''Canonical Scripture:'''
* [http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/cgi-bin/search/t9.cgi?entry=10a&amp;full=yes&amp;ftpsite= Gutenberg eText of the ''King James Version'' of the ''Holy Bible''] recognized as one of the most beautiful but not necessarily perfect translations by most Protestant denominations; it is the most quoted translation by English-speaking people, Christian and non-Christian.
* [http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/cgi-bin/search/t9.cgi?entry=124&amp;full=yes&amp;ftpsite= Gutenberg eText of &quot;Old Testament&quot; Apocrypha]
* [http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/cgi-bin/search/t9.cgi?entry=1581&amp;full=yes&amp;ftpsite= Gutenberg eText of a &quot;Douay-Rheims&quot; version of the ''Holy Bible''] such as is recommended by Roman Catholic authorities.
* [http://www.usccb.org/nab/bible New American Bible]

'''Gospel of Thomas:'''
* [http://www.gnostic.org/gospel_thomas/compare_gosp_thom7.htm 5 translations of the Coptic text presented in parallel format, + 3 from the Greek]
*[http://www.gospelthomas.com/cgi-bin/grondin?saying=1 SPLIT SCREEN Versions of ''The Gospel of Thomas''] This is one of the most informative presentations available, for those whose browsers will permit its use.
* [http://www.sacred-texts.com/chr/thomas.htm '''Gospel of Thomas'''] as translated by Lambdin from the Coptic texts; and Grenfell, Hunt, and Layton from the Greek fragments
*[http://www.earlychristianwritings.com/thomas/ '''Gospel of Thomas''' + Commentary]
*[http://web.archive.org/web/20081003185050/http://www.geocities.com/Athens/9068/ Coptic-English INTERLINEAL Gospel of Thomas]
* List of ''[http://www.earlychristianwritings.com/thomas.html Gospel of Thomas]'' versions Online

'''Other Christian and Spiritual Writings:'''
* [http://www.sacred-texts.com/chr/index.htm Christian Texts at Sacred-Texts.com]
* [http://www.sacred-texts.com/chr/ecf.htm Early Writings of Christian Leaders]
*[http://www.earlychristianwritings.com/onlinebooks.html Christian Writings]
*[http://www.ccel.org/ Christian Classics Ethereal Library]
*[http://www.sacred-texts.com/index.htm Sacred Texts of the World's Faiths]

[[Category:God]]
[[Category:1st century deaths]]
[[Category:People from Bethlehem]]
[[Category:People from Nazareth]]
[[Category:Islamic mythology]]
[[Category:Prophets]]
[[Category:Philosophers]]
[[Category:Founders of religions]]
[[Category:Self-declared messiahs]]
[[Category:Executed people]]
[[Category:Israeli Jews]]
[[Category:Palestinian Jews]]
[[Category:Mystics]]
[[Category:Occultists]]
[[Category:Spiritual teachers]]</text>
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      <text bytes="433984" xml:space="preserve">[[File:William-Adolphe Bouguereau The Virgin With Angels.jpg|thumb|You shall [[know]] the [[truth]], and the truth shall set you [[free]]. ]]
'''[[w:Jesus|Jesus of Nazareth]]''' (c. 4 BC – AD 30 / 33), also known as '''Jesus [[Christ]]''', '''[[w:Yeshua|Yeshua]]''', '''[[w:Jesus in the Talmud|Yeshu]]''', and '''[[w:Jesus in Islam|Isa]]''', is the central figure of [[Christianity]], a [[Philosophy|philosopher]] and [[w:Rabbi|teacher]]. He is believed to be the [[Messiah]] of ultimate salvation and the [[w:Son of God|Son of God]] by followers of [[Christianity|Christian]] traditions. [[w:Manichaeism|Manichaeans]], [[Gnosticism|Gnostics]], [[Islam|Muslims]], [[Bahá'í Faith|Bahá'ís]], and others have found prominent places for Jesus in their religions.
:''All Biblical quotes in this article should specify the translation or version which is being used''.
[[File:Leonardo da Vinci, Salvator Mundi, c.1500, oil on walnut, 45.4 × 65.6 cm.jpg|thumb|[[Repent]]: for the [[w:Kingdom of Heaven (Gospel of Matthew)|kingdom of heaven]] is at [[hand]].]]
[[File:Christ, by Heinrich Hofmann.jpg|thumb|A new [[command|commandment]] I give unto you, That ye [[love]] one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall [[all]] [[men]] [[know]] that ye are my [[disciples]], if ye have love one to another.]]
[[File:Кошелев Николай Голова Христа.jpg|thumb|Those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who [[humble]] themselves will be exalted.]]
[[File:1135 Mosaikikone mit Christus dem Barmherzigen Bodemuseum anagoria.JPG|thumb|The [[Spirit]] of [[God|the Lord]] is on me, because he has anointed me to proclaim [[good]] [[news]] to the [[poor]]. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the [[prisoners]] and recovery of [[sight]] for the [[blind]], to set the [[oppressed]] free, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor.]]
[[File:Cristo entra a gerusalemme, dall'oratorio di giovanni VII già in san pietro, 705-706.jpg|thumb|&quot;When saw we thee [[sick]], or in [[prison]], and came unto thee?&quot; Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my [[brethren]], ye have done it unto me.]]
[[File:Hoffman-ChristAndTheRichYoungRuler.jpg|thumb| For it is easier for a [[camel]] to go through a needle's [[eye]], than for a [[rich]] man to enter into the [[kingdom of God]].]]
[[File:Himmelfartsbillede i St. Petri Kirke (Hendrik Krock).JPG|thumb|I ascend unto my Father, and your Father; and to my God, and your God.]]
[[File:Die_Predigt_Christi.jpg|thumb|And this is [[eternal]] [[life]], that they might know thee the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom thou hast sent.]]
[[File:Annibale Carracci, Cristo e la Cananea, 1595, Parma.jpg|thumb|What is a man [[profited]], if he shall gain the whole [[world]], and lose his own [[soul]]?]]
[[File:Pencz Christ.jpg|thumb|Enter by the narrow [[gate]]; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to [[destruction]], and there are many who go in by it. Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to [[life]], and there are few who find it.]]
[[File:Brooklyn Museum - The Pharisees Question Jesus (Les pharisiens questionnent Jésus) - James Tissot.jpg|thumb|What is exalted among men is an abomination in the sight of [[God]].]]

== [[New Testament]] ==
{{main|New Testament}}
The sayings of Jesus as recorded in the [[New Testament]] have had a profound effect on human history and culture. The most often quoted English translation is the [[w:Authorized King James Version|Authorized King James Version]] (KJV), first published by the [[w:Church of England|Church of England]] in 1611.
:''Some of the most well-known quotes are in '''bold.'''''

=== [[Gospel of Matthew]] ===
[[File:William-Adolphe Bouguereau (1825-1905) - The Flagellation of Our Lord Jesus Christ (1880).jpg|thumb|I say unto you, [[Love]] your [[enemies]], [[bless]] them that [[curse]] you, do [[good]] to them that [[hate]] you, and [[pray]] for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; That ye may be the [[children]] of your [[Father]] which is in [[heaven]]: for he maketh his [[sun]] to rise on the [[evil]] and on the good, and sendeth [[rain]] on the [[just]] and on the unjust.]]
&lt;!-- include only statements ''by'' Jesus here that are not already included above, otherwise go to Gospel of [[Matthew]] --&gt;
====Chapters 1–4====
* Suffer it to be so now: for thus it becometh us to fulfil all righteousness.
**3:15 (KJV) Said to [[w:John the Baptist|John the Baptist]].

*It is written, '''Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God'''.
** 4:4 (KJV) Said to [[Satan]]. The reference is to Deuteronomy 8:3, &quot;... that he might make thee know that man doth not live by bread only, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of the Lord doth man live.&quot; (KJV)

*It is written again, '''Thou shalt not tempt the Lord thy God.'''
**4:7 (KJV) Said to Satan. The reference is to Deuteronomy 6:16, &quot;Ye shall not tempt the Lord your God, as ye tempted him in Massah.&quot; (KJV)

*'''Get thee hence, Satan''': for it is written, '''Thou shalt worship the Lord thy God, and him only shalt thou serve'''.
**4:10 (KJV) Said to Satan.

*'''Repent: for the [[w:Kingdom of God|kingdom of heaven]] is at hand.'''
**4:17 (KJV)

*'''Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.'''
**4:19 (KJV) Said to Peter and Andrew

====Chapters 5–7, the [[w:Sermon on the Mount|Sermon on the Mount]]====
* '''Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. &lt;br /&gt; Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. &lt;br /&gt; Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. &lt;br /&gt; Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. &lt;br /&gt; Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. &lt;br /&gt; Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. &lt;br /&gt; Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God. &lt;br /&gt; Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the [[w:Kingdom of God|kingdom of heaven]]. &lt;br /&gt; Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. &lt;br /&gt; Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.'''
** 5:1–12 (NIV) Often referred to as &quot;[[The Beatitudes]]&quot; this is the start of &quot;The [[w:Sermon on the Mount|Sermon on the Mount]]&quot;.

* You are the salt of the earth; but if the salt loses its flavor, how shall it be seasoned? It is then good for nothing but to be thrown out and trampled underfoot by men. You are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do they light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. '''Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.'''
**Matthew 5:13–16 (NIV) (See also: Mark 9:50; Luke 14:34, 35)

* But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment: and whosoever shall say to his brother, [[:wikt:raca|Raca]], shall be in danger of the council: but whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire.
** [[w:Matthew 5:22|5:22]], ''[[King James Version]]''.

* You have heard that it was said, &quot;Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.&quot; But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles.
**5:38–41 (NIV)

* You have heard that it was said to those of old, 'You shall not commit adultery.' '''But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.''' If your right eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell.
** Exodus 20:14, Seventh Commandment
**Matthew 5:27–30 (NKJV)

* Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy. But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.
**Matthew 5:43–45 (KJV)
&lt;!--* After this manner therefore pray ye: '''Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen.'''
** Matthew 6:9–13 (KJV) (see below)--&gt;

* '''Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them.'''
** Matthew 6:26 (NKJV)

* '''Keep on, then, seeking first the [[Kingdom of God|Kingdom]] and his [[righteousness]], and all these other things will be added to you.''' So never be anxious about the next day, for the next day will have its own anxieties. Each day has enough of its own troubles.
** ''[http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/matthew/6/ Matthew 6:33-34]'', [[New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures]]

* '''Judge not, that you be not judged.''' For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. '''And why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye?''' Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me remove the speck from your eye'; and look, a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.
**Matthew 7:1–5 (NKJV) (Also Luke 6:37–42)

* '''Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.''' For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.
**Matthew 7:7–8 (NKJV) (Also Luke 11:9–13)

*'''Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it. Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it.'''
**Matthew 7:13–14 (NKJV) (Also Luke 13:24)

* Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.
** Matthew 7:15 (KJV)

* Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them.
** Matthew 7:20 (KJV)

* Not everyone who says to Me, 'Lord, Lord,' shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in heaven. Many will say to Me in that day, 'Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in Your name, cast out demons in Your name, and done many wonders in Your name?' And then I will declare to them, 'I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness!'
**Matthew 7:21–23 (NKJV) (Also Luke 6:24; 13:26, 27)

* Therefore whoever hears these sayings of Mine, and does them, I will liken him to a wise man who built his house on the rock: and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it did not fall, for it was founded on the rock.
* But everyone who hears these sayings of Mine, and does not do them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand: and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it fell. And great was its fall.
**Matthew 7:24–27 (NKJV) (Also Luke 6:47–49)

====Chapters 8–12====
*See thou tell no man; but go thy way, shew thyself to the priest, and offer the gift that Moses commanded, for a testimony unto them.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 8:4] (KJV) Said to a man cured of leprosy.

*I will come and heal him.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 8:7] (KJV) Said to a Roman officer.

*Verily I say unto you, I have not found so great faith, no, not in Israel. And I say unto you, That many shall come from the east and west, and shall sit down with Abraham, and Isaac, and Jacob, in the kingdom of heaven. But the children of the kingdom shall be cast out into outer darkness: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 8:10–12] (KJV) Said about the officer.

*'''Go thy way; and as thou hast believed, so be it done unto thee.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 8:13] (KJV) Said to the officer.

*'''The [[fox]]es have holes, and the birds of the air have nests; but the Son of man hath not where to lay his head'''.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 8:20] (KJV)

*'''Follow me; and let the dead bury their dead.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 8:22] (KJV)

*Why are ye fearful, '''O ye of little faith'''?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 8:26] (KJV)

*Go.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 8:32] (KJV) Said to devils which were possessing a man.

*Son, be of good cheer; thy sins be forgiven thee.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 9:2] (KJV) Said to a man sick of the palsy.

*Wherefore think ye evil in your hearts? For whether is easier, to say, Thy sins be forgiven thee; or to say, Arise, and walk? But that ye may know that the Son of man hath power on earth to forgive sins, (then saith he to the sick of the palsy,) Arise, take up thy bed, and go unto thine house.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 9:4–6] (KJV) Said to some scribes.

*Follow me.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 9:9] (KJV) Said to Matthew.

*'''They that be whole need not a physician, but they that are sick'''. But go ye and learn what that meaneth, I will have mercy, and not sacrifice: for I am not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 9:12–13] (KJV)

*Can the children of the bridechamber mourn, as long as the bridegroom is with them? but the days will come, when the bridegroom shall be taken from them, and then shall they fast. '''No man putteth a piece of new cloth unto an old garment, for that which is put in to fill it up taketh from the garment, and the rent is made worse. Neither do men put new wine into old bottles: else the bottles break, and the wine runneth out, and the bottles perish: but they put new wine into new bottles, and both are preserved'''.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 9:15–17] (KJV)

* Daughter, be of good comfort; thy faith hath made thee whole.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 9:22] (KJV) Said to a woman, diseased with an issue of blood, who touched the hem of his garment.

* Give place: for the maid is not dead, but sleepeth.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 9:24] (KJV) Said about a girl thought to be dead.

* Believe ye that I am able to do this?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 9:28] (KJV) Said to two blind men.

* According to your faith be it unto you.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 9:29] (KJV) Said to the two blind men.

* See that no man know it.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 9:30] (KJV) Said to the two blind men.

* '''The harvest truly is plenteous, but the labourers are few; Pray ye therefore the Lord of the harvest, that he will send forth labourers into his harvest'''.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 9:37–38] (KJV)

*Brother will betray brother to death, and a father his child. Children will even rise up against their parents and have them put to death.
** [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2010:21;&amp;version=77; 10:21] (HCSB) Said to his disciples.

*Go not into the way of the Gentiles, and into any city of the Samaritans enter ye not: But go rather to the lost sheep of the house of Israel. And as ye go, preach, saying, The kingdom of heaven is at hand. Heal the sick, cleanse the lepers, raise the dead, cast out devils: freely ye have received, freely give. Provide neither gold, nor silver, nor brass in your purses, Nor scrip for your journey, neither two coats, neither shoes, nor yet staves: for the workman is worthy of his meat. And into whatsoever city or town ye shall enter, inquire who in it is worthy; and there abide till ye go thence. And when ye come into an house, salute it. And if the house be worthy, let your peace come upon it: but if it be not worthy, let your peace return to you. And whosoever shall not receive you, nor hear your words, when ye depart out of that house or city, shake off the dust of your feet. Verily I say unto you, It shall be more tolerable for the land of Sodom and Gomorrha in the day of judgment, than for that city. Behold, '''I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves'''. But beware of men: for they will deliver you up to the councils, and they will scourge you in their synagogues; And ye shall be brought before governors and kings for my sake, for a testimony against them and the Gentiles. '''But when they deliver you up, take no thought how or what ye shall speak: for it shall be given you in that same hour what ye shall speak. For it is not ye that speak, but the Spirit of your Father which speaketh in you. And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death. And ye shall be hated of all men for my name's sake: but he that endureth to the end shall be saved'''. But when they persecute you in this city, flee ye into another: for verily I say unto you, Ye shall not have gone over the cities of Israel, till the Son of man be come. The disciple is not above his master, nor the servant above his lord. It is enough for the disciple that he be as his master, and the servant as his lord. If they have called the master of the house Beelzebub, how much more shall they call them of his household? Fear them not therefore: for there is nothing covered, that shall not be revealed; and hid, that shall not be known. What I tell you in darkness, that speak ye in light: and what ye hear in the ear, that preach ye upon the housetops. '''And fear not them which kill the body, but are not able to kill the soul: but rather fear him which is able to destroy both soul and body in hell. Are not two sparrows sold for a farthing? and one of them shall not fall on the ground without your Father. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear ye not therefore, ye are of more value than many sparrows. Whosoever therefore shall confess me before men, him will I confess also before my Father which is in heaven. But whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my Father which is in heaven. Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword. For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. And a man's foes shall be they of his own household. He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me. He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it.''' He that receiveth you receiveth me, and he that receiveth me receiveth him that sent me. He that receiveth a prophet in the name of a prophet shall receive a prophet's reward; and he that receiveth a righteous man in the name of a righteous man shall receive a righteous man's reward. And whosoever shall give to drink unto one of these little ones a cup of cold water only in the name of a disciple, verily I say unto you, he shall in no wise lose his reward.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 10:5–42] (KJV) Said to his disciples.

* For I came to cause division, with a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. 36 Indeed, a man’s enemies will be those of his own household.
** [http://wol.jw.org/en/wol/b/r1/lp-e/nwt/E/2013/40/10#h=84:318-84:467 10:35,36], [[New World Translation]]

*Go and shew John again those things which ye do hear and see: The blind receive their sight, and the lame walk, the lepers are cleansed, and the deaf hear, the dead are raised up, and the poor have the gospel preached to them. And blessed is he, whosoever shall not be offended in me.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 11:4–6] (KJV)

*What went ye out into the wilderness to see? A reed shaken with the wind? But what went ye out for to see? A man clothed in soft raiment? behold, they that wear soft clothing are in kings' houses. But what went ye out for to see? A prophet? yea, I say unto you, and more than a prophet. For this is he, of whom it is written, Behold, I send my messenger before thy face, which shall prepare thy way before thee. Verily I say unto you, Among them that are born of women there hath not risen a greater than John the Baptist: notwithstanding he that is least in the kingdom of heaven is greater than he. And from the days of John the Baptist until now the kingdom of heaven suffereth violence, and the violent take it by force. For all the prophets and the law prophesied until John. And if ye will receive it, this is Elias, which was for to come. He that hath ears to hear, let him hear. But whereunto shall I liken this generation? It is like unto children sitting in the markets, and calling unto their fellows, And saying, We have piped unto you, and ye have not danced; we have mourned unto you, and ye have not lamented. For John came neither eating nor drinking, and they say, He hath a devil. The Son of man came eating and drinking, and they say, Behold a man gluttonous, and a winebibber, a friend of publicans and sinners. But wisdom is justified of her children.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 11:7–19] (KJV)

*Woe unto thee, Chorazin! woe unto thee, Bethsaida! for if the mighty works, which were done in you, had been done in Tyre and Sidon, they would have repented long ago in sackcloth and ashes. But I say unto you, It shall be more tolerable for Tyre and Sidon at the day of judgment, than for you. And thou, Capernaum, which art exalted unto heaven, shalt be brought down to hell: for if the mighty works, which have been done in thee, had been done in Sodom, it would have remained until this day. But I say unto you, That it shall be more tolerable for the land of Sodom in the day of judgment, than for thee.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 11:21–24] (KJV)

*I thank thee, O Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because thou hast hid these things from the wise and prudent, and hast revealed them unto babes. Even so, Father: for so it seemed good in thy sight. All things are delivered unto me of my Father: and no man knoweth the Son, but the Father; neither knoweth any man the Father, save the Son, and he to whomsoever the Son will reveal him. '''Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 11:25–30] (KJV)

*Have ye not read what David did, when he was an hungred, and they that were with him; How he entered into the house of God, and did eat the shewbread, which was not lawful for him to eat, neither for them which were with him, but only for the priests? Or have ye not read in the law, how that on the sabbath days the priests in the temple profane the sabbath, and are blameless? But I say unto you, That in this place is one greater than the temple. But if ye had known what this meaneth, I will have mercy, and not sacrifice, ye would not have condemned the guiltless. For the Son of man is Lord even of the sabbath day.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 12:3–8] (KJV) Said to some Pharisees.

*What man shall there be among you, that shall have one sheep, and if it fall into a pit on the sabbath day, will he not lay hold on it, and lift it out? How much then is a man better than a sheep? Wherefore it is lawful to do well on the sabbath days.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 12:11–12] (KJV) Said to the Pharisees.

*Stretch forth thine hand.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 12:13] (KJV) Said to a man with a withered hand.

*'''Every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation; and every city or house divided against itself shall not stand: And if Satan cast out Satan, he is divided against himself; how shall then his kingdom stand?''' And if I by Beelzebub cast out devils, by whom do your children cast them out? therefore they shall be your judges. But if I cast out devils by the Spirit of God, then the kingdom of God is come unto you. Or else how can one enter into a strong man's house, and spoil his goods, except he first bind the strong man? and then he will spoil his house. He that is not with me is against me; and he that gathereth not with me scattereth abroad. Wherefore I say unto you, '''All manner of sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven unto men: but the blasphemy against the Holy Ghost shall not be forgiven unto men. And whosoever speaketh a word against the Son of man, it shall be forgiven him: but whosoever speaketh against the Holy Ghost, it shall not be forgiven him, neither in this world, neither in the world to come'''. Either make the tree good, and his fruit good; or else make the tree corrupt, and his fruit corrupt: for the tree is known by his fruit. O generation of vipers, how can ye, being evil, speak good things? for out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh. A good man out of the good treasure of the heart bringeth forth good things: and an evil man out of the evil treasure bringeth forth evil things. But I say unto you, That every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment. For by thy words thou shalt be justified, and by thy words thou shalt be condemned.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 12:25–37] (KJV)

Variant:

* He that is not on my side is against me, and he that does not gather with me scatters.
** 12:30, [[New World Translation]]

*An evil and adulterous generation seeketh after a sign; and there shall no sign be given to it, but the sign of the prophet Jonas: For as Jonas was three days and three nights in the whale's belly; so shall the Son of man be three days and three nights in the heart of the earth. The men of Nineveh shall rise in judgment with this generation, and shall condemn it: because they repented at the preaching of Jonas; and, behold, a greater than Jonas is here. The queen of the south shall rise up in the judgment with this generation, and shall condemn it: for she came from the uttermost parts of the earth to hear the wisdom of Solomon; and, behold, a greater than Solomon is here. When the unclean spirit is gone out of a man, he walketh through dry places, seeking rest, and findeth none. Then he saith, I will return into my house from whence I came out; and when he is come, he findeth it empty, swept, and garnished. Then goeth he, and taketh with himself seven other spirits more wicked than himself, and they enter in and dwell there: and the last state of that man is worse than the first. Even so shall it be also unto this wicked generation.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 12:39–45] (KJV)

*'''Who is my mother? and who are my brethren? And he stretched forth his hand toward his disciples, and said, Behold my mother and my brethren! For whosoever shall do the will of my Father which is in heaven, the same is my brother, and sister, and mother.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 12:48–50] (KJV)

====Chapters 13–16====
*Behold, a sower went forth to sow; And when he sowed, some seeds fell by the way side, and the fowls came and devoured them up: Some fell upon stony places, where they had not much earth: and forthwith they sprung up, because they had no deepness of earth: And when the sun was up, they were scorched; and because they had no root, they withered away. And some fell among thorns; and the thorns sprung up, and choked them: But other fell into good ground, and brought forth fruit, some an hundredfold, some sixtyfold, some thirtyfold. Who hath ears to hear, let him hear.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 13:3–9] (KJV)

*Because it is given unto you to know the mysteries of the kingdom of heaven, but to them it is not given. For whosoever hath, to him shall be given, and he shall have more abundance: but whosoever hath not, from him shall be taken away even that he hath. Therefore speak I to them in parables: because they seeing see not; and hearing they hear not, neither do they understand. And in them is fulfilled the prophecy of Esaias, which saith, By hearing ye shall hear, and shall not understand; and seeing ye shall see, and shall not perceive: For this people's heart is waxed gross, and their ears are dull of hearing, and their eyes they have closed; lest at any time they should see with their eyes, and hear with their ears, and should understand with their heart, and should be converted, and I should heal them. But blessed are your eyes, for they see: and your ears, for they hear. For verily I say unto you, That many prophets and righteous men have desired to see those things which ye see, and have not seen them; and to hear those things which ye hear, and have not heard them. Hear ye therefore the parable of the sower. When any one heareth the word of the kingdom, and understandeth it not, then cometh the wicked one, and catcheth away that which was sown in his heart. This is he which received seed by the way side. But he that received the seed into stony places, the same is he that heareth the word, and anon with joy receiveth it; Yet hath he not root in himself, but dureth for a while: for when tribulation or persecution ariseth because of the word, by and by he is offended. He also that received seed among the thorns is he that heareth the word; and the care of this world, and the deceitfulness of riches, choke the word, and he becometh unfruitful. But he that received seed into the good ground is he that heareth the word, and understandeth it; which also beareth fruit, and bringeth forth, some an hundredfold, some sixty, some thirty.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 13:11–23] (KJV) Said to his disciples when they asked why he spoke in parables.

*Another parable put he forth unto them, saying, The kingdom of heaven is likened unto a man which sowed good seed in his field: But while men slept, his enemy came and sowed tares among the wheat, and went his way. But when the blade was sprung up, and brought forth fruit, then appeared the tares also. So the servants of the householder came and said unto him, Sir, didst not thou sow good seed in thy field? from whence then hath it tares? He said unto them, An enemy hath done this. The servants said unto him, Wilt thou then that we go and gather them up? But he said, Nay; lest while ye gather up the tares, ye root up also the wheat with them. Let both grow together until the harvest: and in the time of harvest I will say to the reapers, Gather ye together first the tares, and bind them in bundles to burn them: but gather the wheat into my barn.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 13:24–30] (KJV)

*The kingdom of heaven is like to a grain of mustard seed, which a man took, and sowed in his field: Which indeed is the least of all seeds: but when it is grown, it is the greatest among herbs, and becometh a tree, so that the birds of the air come and lodge in the branches thereof.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 13:31–32] (KJV)

*The kingdom of heaven is like unto leaven, which a woman took, and hid in three measures of meal, till the whole was leavened.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 13:33] (KJV)

* He that soweth the good seed is the Son of man; The field is the world; the good seed are the children of the kingdom; but the tares are the children of the wicked one; The enemy that sowed them is the devil; the harvest is the end of the world; and the reapers are the angels. As therefore the tares are gathered and burned in the fire; so shall it be in the end of this world. The Son of man shall send forth his angels, and they shall gather out of his kingdom all things that offend, and them which do iniquity; And shall cast them into a furnace of fire: there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth. Then shall the righteous shine forth as the sun in the kingdom of their Father. '''Who hath ears to hear, let him hear.''' Again, the kingdom of heaven is like unto treasure hid in a field; the which when a man hath found, he hideth, and for joy thereof goeth and selleth all that he hath, and buyeth that field. '''Again, the kingdom of heaven is like unto a merchant man, seeking goodly pearls: Who, when he had found one pearl of great price, went and sold all that he had, and bought it.''' Again, the kingdom of heaven is like unto a net, that was cast into the sea, and gathered of every kind: Which, when it was full, they drew to shore, and sat down, and gathered the good into vessels, but cast the bad away. So shall it be at the end of the world: the angels shall come forth, and sever the wicked from among the just, And shall cast them into the furnace of fire: there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 13:37–50] (KJV)

*Have ye understood all these things?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 13:51] (KJV)

*Therefore every scribe which is instructed unto the kingdom of heaven is like unto a man that is an householder, which bringeth forth out of his treasure things new and old.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 13:52] (KJV)

*'''A prophet is not without honour, save in his own country, and in his own house.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 13:57] (KJV)

*They need not depart; give ye them to eat.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 14:16] (KJV)

*Bring them hither to me.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 14:18] (KJV) Said about the '''loaves and fishes'''.

*Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 14:27] (KJV)

*Come.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 14:29] (KJV) Said to Peter.

*'''O thou of little faith''', wherefore didst thou doubt?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 14:31] (KJV) Said to Peter after Peter failed to '''walk on water.'''

*Why do ye also transgress the commandment of God by your tradition? For God commanded, saying, Honour thy father and mother: and, He that curseth father or mother, let him die the death. But ye say, Whosoever shall say to his father or his mother, It is a gift, by whatsoever thou mightest be profited by me; And honour not his father or his mother, he shall be free. Thus have ye made the commandment of God of none effect by your tradition. Ye hypocrites, well did Esaias prophesy of you, saying, This people draweth nigh unto me with their mouth, and honoureth me with their lips; but their heart is far from me. But in vain they do worship me, teaching for doctrines the commandments of men.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 15:3–9] (KJV)

*Hear, and understand: Not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a man; but that which cometh out of the mouth, this defileth a man.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 15:10–11] (KJV)

*Every plant, which my heavenly Father hath not planted, shall be rooted up. '''Let them alone: they be blind leaders of the blind. And if the blind lead the blind, both shall fall into the ditch'''.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 15:13–14] (KJV)

*Are ye also yet without understanding? Do not ye yet understand, that whatsoever entereth in at the mouth goeth into the belly, and is cast out into the draught? But those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart; and they defile the man. For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies: These are the things which defile a man: but to eat with unwashen hands defileth not a man.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 15:16–20] (KJV)

*I am not sent but unto the lost sheep of the house of Israel.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 15:24] (KJV)

*It is not meet to take the children's bread, and to cast it to dogs.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 15:26] (KJV)

*O woman, great is thy faith: be it unto thee even as thou wilt.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 15:28] (KJV)

*I have compassion on the multitude, because they continue with me now three days, and have nothing to eat: and I will not send them away fasting, lest they faint in the way.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 15:32] (KJV)

*How many loaves have ye?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 15:34] (KJV)

*When it is evening, ye say, It will be fair weather: for the sky is red. And in the morning, It will be foul weather to day: for the sky is red and lowring. '''O ye hypocrites, ye can discern the face of the sky; but can ye not discern the signs of the times? A wicked and adulterous generation seeketh after a sign; and there shall no sign be given unto it, but the sign of the prophet Jonas.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 16:2–4] (KJV)

*Take heed and beware of the leaven of the Pharisees and of the Sadducees.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 16:6] (KJV)

*'''O ye of little faith''', why reason ye among yourselves, because ye have brought no bread? Do ye not yet understand, neither remember the five loaves of the five thousand, and how many baskets ye took up? Neither the seven loaves of the four thousand, and how many baskets ye took up? How is it that ye do not understand that I spake it not to you concerning bread, that ye should beware of the leaven of the Pharisees and of the Sadducees?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 16:8–11] (KJV)

*''' Whom do men say that I the Son of man am?'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 16:13] (KJV)

*'''But whom say ye that I am?'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 16:15] (KJV)

*'''Blessed art thou, Simon Barjona: for flesh and blood hath not revealed it unto thee, but my Father which is in heaven. And I say also unto thee, That thou art Peter, and upon this rock I will build my church; and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it. And I will give unto thee the keys of the kingdom of heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 16:17–19] (KJV)

*'''Get thee behind me, Satan''': thou art an offence unto me: for thou savourest not the things that be of God, but those that be of men.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 16:23] (KJV)

*'''If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it. For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul?''' For the Son of man shall come in the glory of his Father with his angels; and then he shall reward every man according to his works. Verily I say unto you, There be some standing here, which shall not taste of death, till they see the Son of man coming in his kingdom.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 16:24–28] (KJV)

====Chapters 17-19====
*Arise, and be not afraid.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 17:7] (KJV)

*Tell the vision to no man, until the Son of man be risen again from the dead.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 17:9] (KJV)

*[[w:Elijah|Elias]] truly shall first come, and restore all things. But I say unto you, That Elias is come already, and they knew him not, but have done unto him whatsoever they listed. Likewise shall also the Son of man suffer of them.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 17:11–12] (KJV)

* O faithless and perverse generation, how long shall I be with you? how long shall I suffer you? bring him hither to me.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 17:17] (KJV)

*Because of your unbelief: for verily I say unto you, '''If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you.''' Howbeit this kind goeth not out but by prayer and fasting.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 17:20–21] (KJV)

*'''The Son of man shall be betrayed into the hands of men: And they shall kill him, and the third day he shall be raised again.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 17:22–23] (KJV)

*What thinkest thou, Simon? of whom do the kings of the earth take custom or tribute? of their own children, or of strangers?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 17:25] (KJV)

*Then are the children free. Notwithstanding, lest we should offend them, go thou to the sea, and cast an hook, and take up the fish that first cometh up; and when thou hast opened his mouth, thou shalt find a piece of money: that take, and give unto them for me and thee.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 17:26–27] (KJV)

[[File:StJohnsAshfield StainedGlass JesusAndChildren.jpg|thumb|''become as little children'' [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 18:3–20]&lt;br/&gt;''suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me'' [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 19:14] (KJV)]]
*Verily I say unto you, '''Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven. Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoso shall receive one such little child in my name receiveth me. But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.''' Woe unto the world because of offences! for it must needs be that offences come; but woe to that man by whom the offence cometh! '''Wherefore if thy hand or thy foot offend thee, cut them off, and cast them from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life halt or maimed, rather than having two hands or two feet to be cast into everlasting fire. And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life with one eye, rather than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire.''' Take heed that ye despise not one of these little ones; for I say unto you, That in heaven their angels do always behold the face of my Father which is in heaven. '''For the Son of man is come to save that which was lost.''' How think ye? if a man have an hundred sheep, and one of them be gone astray, doth he not leave the ninety and nine, and goeth into the mountains, and seeketh that which is gone astray? And if so be that he find it, verily I say unto you, he rejoiceth more of that sheep, than of the ninety and nine which went not astray. Even so it is not the will of your Father which is in heaven, that one of these little ones should perish. Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican. Verily I say unto you, Whatsoever ye shall bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever ye shall loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven. Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven. '''For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 18:3–20] (KJV)

*[T]he kingdom of heaven can be compared to a king who wanted to settle accounts with his slaves.
**[http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2018:23;&amp;version=77; 18:23]

*I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven. Therefore is the kingdom of heaven likened unto a certain king, which would take account of his servants. And when he had begun to reckon, one was brought unto him, which owed him ten thousand talents. But forasmuch as he had not to pay, his lord commanded him to be sold, and his wife, and children, and all that he had, and payment to be made. The servant therefore fell down, and worshipped him, saying, Lord, have patience with me, and I will pay thee all. Then the lord of that servant was moved with compassion, and loosed him, and forgave him the debt. But the same servant went out, and found one of his fellowservants, which owed him an hundred pence: and he laid hands on him, and took him by the throat, saying, Pay me that thou owest. And his fellowservant fell down at his feet, and besought him, saying, Have patience with me, and I will pay thee all. And he would not: but went and cast him into prison, till he should pay the debt. So when his fellowservants saw what was done, they were very sorry, and came and told unto their lord all that was done. Then his lord, after that he had called him, said unto him, O thou wicked servant, I forgave thee all that debt, because thou desiredst me: Shouldest not thou also have had compassion on thy fellowservant, even as I had pity on thee? And his lord was wroth, and delivered him to the tormentors, till he should pay all that was due unto him. So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 18:22–35] (KJV)

*[H]is master was angry, and delivered him to the torturers until he should pay all that was due to him. &quot;So My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother his trespasses.&quot;
**[http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2018:34-35;&amp;version=50; 18:34–35]

*Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. '''What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 19:4–6] (KJV)

*[[w:Moses|Moses]] because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so. And I say unto you, '''Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery'''.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 19:8–9] (KJV)

*All men cannot receive this saying, save they to whom it is given. For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother's womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 19:11–12] (KJV)

*'''Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 19:14] (KJV)

*Why callest thou me good? there is none good but one, that is, God: but if thou wilt enter into life, keep the commandments.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 19:17] (KJV)

*Thou shalt do no murder, Thou shalt not commit adultery, Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not bear false witness, Honour thy father and thy mother: and, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 19:18–19] (KJV)

*'''If thou wilt be perfect, go and sell that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come and follow me.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 19:21] (KJV)

*Verily I say unto you, '''That a rich man shall hardly enter into the kingdom of heaven.''' And again I say unto you, '''It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 19:23–24] (KJV)

*'''With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 19:26] (KJV)

*Verily I say unto you, That ye which have followed me, in the [[Regeneration (theology)|regeneration]] when the Son of man shall sit in the throne of his glory, ye also shall sit upon twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel. And every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name's sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life. '''But many that are first shall be last; and the last shall be first.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 19:28–30] (KJV)

*[E]veryone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life.
** [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2019:29;&amp;version=31; 19:29]

====Chapters 20–24====
*For the kingdom of heaven is like unto a man that is an householder, which went out early in the morning to hire labourers into his vineyard. And when he had agreed with the labourers for a penny a day, he sent them into his vineyard. And he went out about the third hour, and saw others standing idle in the marketplace, And said unto them; Go ye also into the vineyard, and whatsoever is right I will give you. And they went their way. Again he went out about the sixth and ninth hour, and did likewise. And about the eleventh hour he went out, and found others standing idle, and saith unto them, Why stand ye here all the day idle? They say unto him, Because no man hath hired us. He saith unto them, Go ye also into the vineyard; and whatsoever is right, that shall ye receive. So when even was come, the lord of the vineyard saith unto his steward, Call the labourers, and give them their hire, beginning from the last unto the first. And when they came that were hired about the eleventh hour, they received every man a penny. But when the first came, they supposed that they should have received more; and they likewise received every man a penny. And when they had received it, they murmured against the goodman of the house, Saying, These last have wrought but one hour, and thou hast made them equal unto us, which have borne the burden and heat of the day. But he answered one of them, and said, Friend, I do thee no wrong: didst not thou agree with me for a penny? Take that thine is, and go thy way: I will give unto this last, even as unto thee. Is it not lawful for me to do what I will with mine own? Is thine eye evil, because I am good? '''So the last shall be first, and the first last: for many be called, but few chosen.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 20:1–16] (KJV)

*'''Behold, we go up to Jerusalem; and the Son of man shall be betrayed unto the chief priests and unto the scribes, and they shall condemn him to death, And shall deliver him to the Gentiles to mock, and to scourge, and to crucify him: and the third day he shall rise again.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 20:18–19] (KJV)

*What wilt thou?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 20:21] (KJV) Asked of the mother of the sons of Zebedee, who answered that she wanted one son to sit on Jesus's left hand and one on his right.

*Ye know not what ye ask. Are ye able to drink of the cup that I shall drink of, and to be baptized with the baptism that I am baptized with?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 20:22] (KJV)

* Ye shall drink indeed of my cup, and be baptized with the baptism that I am baptized with: but to sit on my right hand, and on my left, is not mine to give, but it shall be given to them for whom it is prepared of my Father.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 20:23] (KJV)

*Ye know that the princes of the Gentiles exercise dominion over them, and they that are great exercise authority upon them. But it shall not be so among you: but '''whosoever will be great among you, let him be your minister; And whosoever will be chief among you, let him be your servant: Even as the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 20:25–28] (KJV)

*What will ye that I shall do unto you?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 20:32] (KJV) Asked of two blind men.

*Go into the village over against you, and straightway ye shall find an ass tied, and a colt with her: loose them, and bring them unto me. And if any man say ought unto you, ye shall say, The Lord hath need of them; and straightway he will send them. All this was done, that it might be fulfilled which was spoken by the prophet, saying, Tell ye the daughter of Sion, Behold, thy King cometh unto thee, meek, and sitting upon an ass, and a colt the foal of an ass.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 21:2–5] (KJV)

*'''It is written, My house shall be called the house of prayer; but ye have made it a den of thieves.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 21:13] (KJV)

*Yea; have ye never read, '''Out of the mouth of babes and sucklings thou hast perfected praise?'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 21:16] (KJV)

*Let no fruit grow on thee henceforward for ever.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 21:19] (KJV) Said to a fig tree.

*Verily I say unto you, '''If ye have faith, and doubt not, ye shall not only do this which is done to the fig tree, but also if ye shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; it shall be done.
[22] And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 21:21–22] (KJV)

*I also will ask you one thing, which if ye tell me, I in like wise will tell you by what authority I do these things. The baptism of John, whence was it? from heaven, or of men?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 21:24–25] (KJV)

* Neither tell I you by what authority I do these things. But what think ye? A certain man had two sons; and he came to the first, and said, Son, go work to day in my vineyard. He answered and said, I will not: but afterward he repented, and went. And he came to the second, and said likewise. And he answered and said, I go, sir: and went not. Whether of them twain did the will of his father? They say unto him, The first. Jesus saith unto them, Verily I say unto you, '''That the publicans and the harlots go into the kingdom of God before you.''' For John came unto you in the way of righteousness, and ye believed him not: but the publicans and the harlots believed him: and ye, when ye had seen it, repented not afterward, that ye might believe him. Hear another parable: There was a certain householder, which planted a vineyard, and hedged it round about, and digged a winepress in it, and built a tower, and let it out to husbandmen, and went into a far country: And when the time of the fruit drew near, he sent his servants to the husbandmen, that they might receive the fruits of it. And the husbandmen took his servants, and beat one, and killed another, and stoned another. Again, he sent other servants more than the first: and they did unto them likewise. But last of all he sent unto them his son, saying, They will reverence my son. But when the husbandmen saw the son, they said among themselves, This is the heir; come, let us kill him, and let us seize on his inheritance. And they caught him, and cast him out of the vineyard, and slew him. When the lord therefore of the vineyard cometh, what will he do unto those husbandmen?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 21:27–40] (KJV)

*Did ye never read in the scriptures, '''The stone which the builders rejected, the same is become the head of the corner: this is the Lord's doing, and it is marvellous in our eyes?''' Therefore say I unto you, '''The kingdom of God shall be taken from you, and given to a nation bringing forth the fruits thereof.''' And whosoever shall fall on this stone shall be broken: but on whomsoever it shall fall, it will grind him to powder.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 21:27–42 and 44] (KJV)

* The kingdom of heaven is like unto a certain king, which made a marriage for his son, And sent forth his servants to call them that were bidden to the wedding: and they would not come. Again, he sent forth other servants, saying, Tell them which are bidden, Behold, I have prepared my dinner: my oxen and my fatlings are killed, and all things are ready: come unto the marriage. But they made light of it, and went their ways, one to his farm, another to his merchandise: And the remnant took his servants, and entreated them spitefully, and slew them. But when the king heard thereof, he was wroth: and he sent forth his armies, and destroyed those murderers, and burned up their city. Then saith he to his servants, The wedding is ready, but they which were bidden were not worthy. Go ye therefore into the highways, and as many as ye shall find, bid to the marriage. So those servants went out into the highways, and gathered together all as many as they found, both bad and good: and the wedding was furnished with guests. And when the king came in to see the guests, he saw there a man which had not on a wedding garment: And he saith unto him, Friend, how camest thou in hither not having a wedding garment? And he was speechless. Then said the king to the servants, Bind him hand and foot, and take him away, and cast him into outer darkness; there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth. '''For many are called, but few are chosen'''.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 22:2–14] (KJV)

*Why tempt ye me, ye hypocrites? Shew me the tribute money.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 22:18–19] (KJV)

*Whose is this image and superscription?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 22:20] (KJV)

*'''Render therefore unto Caesar the things which are Caesar's; and unto God the things that are God's.'''

**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 22:21] (KJV)

*Ye do err, not knowing the scriptures, nor the power of God. For in the resurrection they neither marry, nor are given in marriage, but are as the angels of God in heaven. But as touching the resurrection of the dead, have ye not read that which was spoken unto you by God, saying, I am the God of Abraham, and the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob? God is not the God of the dead, but of the living.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 22:29–32] (KJV)

*'''Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 22:37–40] (KJV)

*What think ye of Christ? whose son is he?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 22:42] (KJV)

*How then doth David in spirit call him Lord, saying, The LORD said unto my Lord, Sit thou on my right hand, till I make thine enemies thy footstool? If David then call him Lord, how is he his son?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 22:43–45] (KJV)

*The scribes and the Pharisees sit in Moses' seat: All therefore whatsoever they bid you observe, that observe and do; but do not ye after their works: for they say, and do not. For they bind heavy burdens and grievous to be borne, and lay them on men's shoulders; but they themselves will not move them with one of their fingers. But all their works they do for to be seen of men: they make broad their phylacteries, and enlarge the borders of their garments, And love the uppermost rooms at feasts, and the chief seats in the synagogues, And greetings in the markets, and to be called of men, Rabbi, Rabbi. But be not ye called Rabbi: for one is your Master, even Christ; and all ye are brethren. And call no man your father upon the earth: for one is your Father, which is in heaven. Neither be ye called masters: for one is your Master, even Christ. '''But he that is greatest among you shall be your servant. And whosoever shall exalt himself shall be abased; and he that shall humble himself shall be exalted.''' But woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye shut up the kingdom of heaven against men: for ye neither go in yourselves, neither suffer ye them that are entering to go in. Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye devour widows' houses, and for a pretence make long prayer: therefore ye shall receive the greater damnation. Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye compass sea and land to make one proselyte, and when he is made, ye make him twofold more the child of hell than yourselves. Woe unto you, ye blind guides, which say, Whosoever shall swear by the temple, it is nothing; but whosoever shall swear by the gold of the temple, he is a debtor! Ye fools and blind: for whether is greater, the gold, or the temple that sanctifieth the gold? And, Whosoever shall swear by the altar, it is nothing; but whosoever sweareth by the gift that is upon it, he is guilty. Ye fools and blind: for whether is greater, the gift, or the altar that sanctifieth the gift? Whoso therefore shall swear by the altar, sweareth by it, and by all things thereon. And whoso shall swear by the temple, sweareth by it, and by him that dwelleth therein. And he that shall swear by heaven, sweareth by the throne of God, and by him that sitteth thereon. Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye pay tithe of mint and anise and cummin, and have omitted the weightier matters of the law, judgment, mercy, and faith: these ought ye to have done, and not to leave the other undone. Ye blind guides, which strain at a gnat, and swallow a camel. Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye make clean the outside of the cup and of the platter, but within they are full of extortion and excess. Thou blind Pharisee, cleanse first that which is within the cup and platter, that the outside of them may be clean also. Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye are like unto whited sepulchres, which indeed appear beautiful outward, but are within full of dead men's bones, and of all uncleanness. Even so ye also outwardly appear righteous unto men, but within ye are full of hypocrisy and iniquity. Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! because ye build the tombs of the prophets, and garnish the sepulchres of the righteous, And say, If we had been in the days of our fathers, we would not have been partakers with them in the blood of the prophets. Wherefore ye be witnesses unto yourselves, that ye are the children of them which killed the prophets. Fill ye up then the measure of your fathers. '''Ye serpents, ye generation of vipers, how can ye escape the damnation of hell?''' Wherefore, behold, I send unto you prophets, and wise men, and scribes: and some of them ye shall kill and crucify; and some of them shall ye scourge in your synagogues, and persecute them from city to city: That upon you may come all the righteous blood shed upon the earth, from the blood of righteous Abel unto the blood of Zacharias son of Barachias, whom ye slew between the temple and the altar. Verily I say unto you, All these things shall come upon this generation. O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, thou that killest the prophets, and stonest them which are sent unto thee, how often would I have gathered thy children together, even as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings, and ye would not! Behold, your house is left unto you desolate. For I say unto you, Ye shall not see me henceforth, till ye shall say, Blessed is he that cometh in the name of the Lord.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 23:2–39] (KJV)

* See ye not all these things? verily I say unto you, '''There shall not be left here one stone upon another, that shall not be thrown down.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 24:2] (KJV)

*'''Take heed that no man deceive you. For many shall come in my name, saying, I am Christ; and shall deceive many. And ye shall hear of wars and rumours of wars: see that ye be not troubled: for all these things must come to pass, but the end is not yet. For nation shall rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom: and there shall be famines, and pestilences, and earthquakes, in divers places. All these are the beginning of sorrows. Then shall they deliver you up to be afflicted, and shall kill you: and ye shall be hated of all nations for my name's sake. And then shall many be offended, and shall betray one another, and shall hate one another. And many false prophets shall rise, and shall deceive many. And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold. But he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved. And this gospel of the kingdom shall be preached in all the world for a witness unto all nations; and then shall the end come.''' When ye therefore shall see the abomination of desolation, spoken of by Daniel the prophet, stand in the holy place, (whoso readeth, let him understand:) Then let them which be in Judaea flee into the mountains: Let him which is on the housetop not come down to take any thing out of his house: Neither let him which is in the field return back to take his clothes. And woe unto them that are with child, and to them that give suck in those days! But pray ye that your flight be not in the winter, neither on the sabbath day: For then shall be great tribulation, such as was not since the beginning of the world to this time, no, nor ever shall be. And except those days should be shortened, there should no flesh be saved: but for the elect's sake those days shall be shortened. '''Then if any man shall say unto you, Lo, here is Christ, or there; believe it not. For there shall arise false Christs, and false prophets, and shall shew great signs and wonders; insomuch that, if it were possible, they shall deceive the very elect. Behold, I have told you before. Wherefore if they shall say unto you, Behold, he is in the desert; go not forth: behold, he is in the secret chambers; believe it not. For as the lightning cometh out of the east, and shineth even unto the west; so shall also the coming of the Son of man be.''' For wheresoever the carcase is, there will the eagles be gathered together. '''Immediately after the tribulation of those days shall the sun be darkened, and the moon shall not give her light, and the stars shall fall from heaven, and the powers of the heavens shall be shaken: And then shall appear the sign of the Son of man in heaven: and then shall all the tribes of the earth mourn, and they shall see the Son of man coming in the clouds of heaven with power and great glory.''' And he shall send his angels with a great sound of a trumpet, and they shall gather together his elect from the four winds, from one end of heaven to the other. Now learn a parable of the fig tree; When his branch is yet tender, and putteth forth leaves, ye know that summer is nigh: So likewise ye, when ye shall see all these things, know that it is near, even at the doors. Verily I say unto you, '''This generation shall not pass, till all these things be fulfilled. Heaven and earth shall pass away, but my words shall not pass away. But of that day and hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels of heaven, but my Father only.''' But as the days of Noe were, so shall also the coming of the Son of man be. For as in the days that were before the flood they were eating and drinking, marrying and giving in marriage, until the day that Noe entered into the ark, And knew not until the flood came, and took them all away; so shall also the coming of the Son of man be. Then shall two be in the field; the one shall be taken, and the other left. Two women shall be grinding at the mill; the one shall be taken, and the other left. '''Watch therefore: for ye know not what hour your Lord doth come.''' But know this, that if the goodman of the house had known in what watch the thief would come, he would have watched, and would not have suffered his house to be broken up. Therefore be ye also ready: for in such an hour as ye think not the Son of man cometh. Who then is a faithful and wise servant, whom his lord hath made ruler over his household, to give them meat in due season? Blessed is that servant, whom his lord when he cometh shall find so doing. Verily I say unto you, That he shall make him ruler over all his goods. But and if that evil servant shall say in his heart, My lord delayeth his coming; And shall begin to smite his fellowservants, and to eat and drink with the drunken; The lord of that servant shall come in a day when he looketh not for him, and in an hour that he is not aware of, And shall cut him asunder, and appoint him his portion with the hypocrites: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 24:5–51] (KJV)
** Variant translation:
* [T]he sun will be darkened, and the moon will not give its light; the stars will fall from the sky, and the heavenly bodies will be shaken. … They will see the Son of Man coming on the clouds of the sky, with power and great glory... ''I tell you the truth, this generation will certainly not pass away until all these things have happened.''
** [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2024:29-34;&amp;version=31; 24:29–34] (NIV)

[[File:StJohnsAshfield StainedGlass Gethsemane.jpg|thumb|Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane: ''Sit ye here, while I go and pray yonder.'' [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:36] (KJV)]]

====Chapters 25–26====
*Then shall the kingdom of heaven be likened unto ten virgins, which took their lamps, and went forth to meet the bridegroom. And five of them were wise, and five were foolish. They that were foolish took their lamps, and took no oil with them: But the wise took oil in their vessels with their lamps. While the bridegroom tarried, they all slumbered and slept. And at midnight there was a cry made, Behold, the bridegroom cometh; go ye out to meet him. Then all those virgins arose, and trimmed their lamps. And the foolish said unto the wise, Give us of your oil; for our lamps are gone out. But the wise answered, saying, Not so; lest there be not enough for us and you: but go ye rather to them that sell, and buy for yourselves. And while they went to buy, the bridegroom came; and they that were ready went in with him to the marriage: and the door was shut. Afterward came also the other virgins, saying, Lord, Lord, open to us. But he answered and said, Verily I say unto you, I know you not. Watch therefore, for ye know neither the day nor the hour wherein the Son of man cometh. For the kingdom of heaven is as a man travelling into a far country, who called his own servants, and delivered unto them his goods. '''And unto one he gave five talents, to another two, and to another one; to every man according to his several ability'''; and straightway took his journey. Then he that had received the five talents went and traded with the same, and made them other five talents. And likewise he that had received two, he also gained other two. But he that had received one went and digged in the earth, and hid his lord's money. After a long time the lord of those servants cometh, and reckoneth with them. And so he that had received five talents came and brought other five talents, saying, Lord, thou deliveredst unto me five talents: behold, I have gained beside them five talents more. His lord said unto him, Well done, thou good and faithful servant: thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord. He also that had received two talents came and said, Lord, thou deliveredst unto me two talents: behold, I have gained two other talents beside them. His lord said unto him, Well done, good and faithful servant; thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord. Then he which had received the one talent came and said, Lord, I knew thee that thou art an hard man, reaping where thou hast not sown, and gathering where thou hast not strawed: And I was afraid, and went and hid thy talent in the earth: lo, there thou hast that is thine. His lord answered and said unto him, Thou wicked and slothful servant, thou knewest that I reap where I sowed not, and gather where I have not strawed: Thou oughtest therefore to have put my money to the exchangers, and then at my coming I should have received mine own with usury. Take therefore the talent from him, and give it unto him which hath ten talents. For unto every one that hath shall be given, and he shall have abundance: but from him that hath not shall be taken away even that which he hath. And cast ye the unprofitable servant into outer darkness: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth. When the Son of man shall come in his glory, and all the holy angels with him, then shall he sit upon the throne of his glory: And before him shall be gathered all nations: and he shall separate them one from another, as a shepherd divideth his sheep from the goats: '''And he shall set the sheep on his right hand, but the goats on the left.''' Then shall the King say unto them on his right hand, Come, ye blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world: '''For I was an hungred, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in: Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me.''' Then shall the righteous answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, and fed thee? or thirsty, and gave thee drink? When saw we thee a stranger, and took thee in? or naked, and clothed thee? Or when saw we thee sick, or in prison, and came unto thee? And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, '''Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.''' Then shall he say also unto them on the left hand, Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels: For I was an hungred, and ye gave me no meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me no drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me not in: naked, and ye clothed me not: sick, and in prison, and ye visited me not. Then shall they also answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, or athirst, or a stranger, or naked, or sick, or in prison, and did not minister unto thee? Then shall he answer them, saying, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye did it not to one of the least of these, ye did it not to me. And these shall go away into everlasting punishment: but the righteous into life eternal.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 25:1–46] (KJV)

*'''Ye know that after two days is the feast of the passover, and the Son of man is betrayed to be crucified.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:2] (KJV)

*Why trouble ye the woman? for she hath wrought a good work upon me. '''For ye have the poor always with you; but me ye have not always.''' For in that she hath poured this ointment on my body, she did it for my burial. Verily I say unto you, Wheresoever this gospel shall be preached in the whole world, there shall also this, that this woman hath done, be told for a memorial of her.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:10–13] (KJV)

*Go into the city to such a man, and say unto him, The Master saith, My time is at hand; I will keep the passover at thy house with my disciples.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:18] (KJV)

*'''Verily I say unto you, that one of you shall betray me.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:21] (KJV)

*He that dippeth his hand with me in the dish, the same shall betray me. '''The Son of man goeth as it is written of him: but woe unto that man by whom the Son of man is betrayed! it had been good for that man if he had not been born.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:23–24] (KJV)

*Thou hast said.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:25] (KJV) Said to Judas.

*'''Take, eat; this is my body. And he took the cup, and gave thanks, and gave it to them, saying, Drink ye all of it; For this is my blood of the new testament, which is shed for many for the remission of sins. But I say unto you, I will not drink henceforth of this fruit of the vine, until that day when I drink it new with you in my Father's kingdom.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:26–29] (KJV)

*All ye shall be offended because of me this night: for it is written, I will smite the shepherd, and the sheep of the flock shall be scattered abroad. But after I am risen again, I will go before you into Galilee.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:31–32] (KJV)

*'''Verily I say unto thee, That this night, before the cock crow, thou shalt deny me thrice.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:34] (KJV) Said to Peter.

*Sit ye here, while I go and pray yonder.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:36] (KJV)

*My soul is exceeding sorrowful, even unto death: tarry ye here, and watch with me.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:38] (KJV)

*'''O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:39] (KJV)

*What, could ye not watch with me one hour? '''Watch and pray, that ye enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:40–41] (KJV)

*'''O my Father, if this cup may not pass away from me, except I drink it, thy will be done.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:42] (KJV)

*Sleep on now, and take your rest: behold, the hour is at hand, and the Son of man is betrayed into the hands of sinners. Rise, let us be going: behold, he is at hand that doth betray me.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:45–46] (KJV)

*Friend, wherefore art thou come?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:50] (KJV) Said to Judas.

*Put up again thy sword into his place: '''for all they that take the sword shall perish with the sword.''' Thinkest thou that I cannot now pray to my Father, and he shall presently give me more than twelve legions of angels? But how then shall the scriptures be fulfilled, that thus it must be?

[[File:El_Greco_(Domenikos_Theotokopoulos)_-_Christ_Blessing_('The_Saviour_of_the_World')_-_Google_Art_Project.jpg|thumb| And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age. ~[[Jesus]] in Matthew 28:20 ]] 

*Are ye come out as against a thief with swords and staves for to take me? I sat daily with you teaching in the temple, and ye laid no hold on me. But all this was done, that the scriptures of the prophets might be fulfilled.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:55–56] (KJV)

*Thou hast said: nevertheless I say unto you, '''Hereafter shall ye see the Son of man sitting on the right hand of power, and coming in the clouds of heaven.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:64] (KJV) Said to Caiaphas, the high priest.

====Chapter 28====

*And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.  
**[[Jesus]] in Matthew 28:20

=== [[Gospel of Mark]] ===
&lt;!-- include only statements ''by'' Jesus here that are not already included above, otherwise go to Gospel of [[Mark]] --&gt;
[[File:El Greco 041.jpg|thumb|Whosoever will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.]]

* The sabbath was made for man, and not man for the sabbath.
** [[w:Gospel of Mark|Mark]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark+2%3A27&amp;version=KJV; 2:27] (KJV)

* Verily I say unto you, All sins shall be forgiven unto the sons of men, and blasphemies wherewith soever they shall blaspheme: But he that shall blaspheme against the Holy Ghost hath never forgiveness, but is in danger of eternal damnation.
** [[w:Gospel of Mark|Mark]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark%203:29;&amp;version=9; 3:28-29] (KJV)

* They came to the other side of the sea, to the country of the Ger′asenes. And when he had come out of the boat, there met him out of the tombs a man with an unclean spirit, who lived among the tombs; and no one could bind him any more, even with a chain; for he had often been bound with fetters and chains, but the chains he wrenched apart, and the fetters he broke in pieces; and no one had the strength to subdue him. Night and day among the tombs and on the mountains he was always crying out, and bruising himself with stones. And when he saw Jesus from afar, he ran and worshiped him; and crying out with a loud voice, he said, “What have you to do with me, Jesus, Son of the Most High God? I adjure you by God, do not torment me.” For he had said to him, “Come out of the man, you unclean spirit!” And Jesus asked him, “What is your name?” He replied, “My name is Legion; for we are many.” And he begged him eagerly not to send them out of the country. Now a great herd of swine was feeding there on the hillside; and they begged him, “Send us to the swine, let us enter them.” So he gave them leave. And the unclean spirits came out, and entered the swine; and the herd, numbering about two thousand, rushed down the steep bank into the sea, and were drowned in the sea.
** Mark 5:1-20

* He also said to them, &quot;You completely invalidate God's command in order to maintain your tradition! For Moses said: &lt;blockquote&gt;Honor your father and your mother; and, &lt;br /&gt; Whoever speaks evil of father or mother &lt;br /&gt; must be put to death.&lt;/blockquote&gt;
** [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark%207:9–10;&amp;version=77; 7:9–10]

* '''Whosoever will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. For whosoever will save his life shall lose it; but whosoever shall lose his life for my sake and the gospel's, the same shall save it. For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?'''
** 8:34b–36 (KJV)

*...whoever is not against us is for us.
** [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark%209:40;&amp;version=31; 9:40]

* The next day as they were leaving Bethany, Jesus was hungry. Seeing in the distance a fig tree in leaf, he went to find out if it had any fruit. When he reached it, he found nothing but leaves, because it was not the season for figs. Then he said to the tree, “May no one ever eat fruit from you again.” And his disciples heard him say it.
** The next day when they came out from Bethany, He was hungry. After seeing in the distance a fig tree with leaves, He went to find out if there was anything on it. When He came to it, He found nothing but leaves, because it was not the season for figs. He said to it, &quot;May no one ever eat fruit from you again!&quot;
** Mark 11:12-14 [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark%2011:12–14;&amp;version=77; 11:12–14]

* One of the scribes came to Jesus and asked him, &quot;Which is the first of all commandments?&quot; Jesus replied,&quot;The first is this: Hear, O Israel! The Lord our God is Lord alone! You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength. The second is like: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. There is no other commandment greater than these.&quot;
** Mark 12:28-34

* In all the nations, the good news has to be preached first.
** [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/mark/13/ 13:10], [[NWT]]

* Heaven and earth shall pass away, but my words shall not pass away.
** Mark 13:31, KJV

* Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned. And these signs will accompany those who believe: In my name they will drive out demons; they will speak in new tongues; they will pick up snakes with their hands; and when they drink deadly poison, it will not hurt them at all; they will place their hands on sick people, and they will get well.
** [[w:Jesus|Jesus]], [[w:Gospel of Mark|Mark]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark%2016:17–18;&amp;version=31; 16:16–18]

==== On the Mount of Olives ====
:&lt;small&gt;Speech on the [[w:Mount of Olives|Mount of Olives]], on the night before his crucifixion.&lt;/small&gt;

* '''Take heed lest any man deceive you: For many shall come in my name, saying, I am Christ; and shall deceive many. And when ye shall hear of wars and rumours of wars, be ye not troubled: for such things must needs be; but the end shall not be yet.''' &lt;br /&gt; For nation shall rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom: and there shall be earthquakes in divers places, and there shall be famines and troubles: these are the beginnings of sorrows. &lt;br /&gt; But take heed to yourselves: for they shall deliver you up to councils; and in the synagogues ye shall be beaten: and ye shall be brought before rulers and kings for my sake, for a testimony against them. And the gospel must first be published among all nations. &lt;br /&gt; But when they shall lead you, and deliver you up, take no thought beforehand what ye shall speak, neither do ye premeditate: but whatsoever shall be given you in that hour, that speak ye: for it is not ye that speak, but the Holy Ghost.'''
** 13:5b–11 (KJV)

* '''Now the brother shall betray the brother to death, and the father the son; and children shall rise up against their parents, and shall cause them to be put to death.And ye shall be hated of all men for my name's sake: but he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved. &lt;br /&gt; But when ye shall see the abomination of desolation, spoken of by Daniel the prophet, standing where it ought not, (let him that readeth understand,) then let them that be in Judaea flee to the mountains: '''And let him that is on the housetop not go down into the house, neither enter therein, to take any thing out of his house: And let him that is in the field not turn back again for to take up his garment. &lt;br /&gt; But woe to them that are with child, and to them that give suck in those days! And pray ye that your flight be not in the winter. For in those days shall be affliction, such as was not from the beginning of the creation which God created unto this time, neither shall be. And except that the Lord had shortened those days, no flesh should be saved: but for the elect's sake, whom he hath chosen, he hath shortened the days.
** 13:12–20 (KJV)

* '''And then if any man shall say to you, Lo, here is Christ; or, lo, he is there; believe him not: For false Christs and false prophets shall rise, and shall shew signs and wonders, to seduce, if it were possible, even the elect. But take ye heed: behold, I have foretold you all things. &lt;br /&gt; But in those days, after that tribulation, the sun shall be darkened, and the moon shall not give her light, And the stars of heaven shall fall, and the powers that are in heaven shall be shaken. &lt;br /&gt; '''And then shall they see the Son of man coming in the clouds with great power and glory. And then shall he send his angels, and shall gather together his elect from the four winds, from the uttermost part of the earth to the uttermost part of heaven.'''
** 13:21–27 (KJV)

* Now learn a parable of the fig tree; When her branch is yet tender, and putteth forth leaves, ye know that summer is near: So ye in like manner, when ye shall see these things come to pass, know that it is nigh, even at the doors. &lt;br /&gt; '''Verily I say unto you, that this generation shall not pass, till all these things be done. Heaven and earth shall pass away: but my words shall not pass away.''' But of that day and that hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels which are in heaven, neither the Son, but the Father. &lt;br /&gt; Take ye heed, watch and pray: for ye know not when the time is. For the Son of Man is as a man taking a far journey, who left his house, and gave authority to his servants, and to every man his work, and commanded the porter to watch. Watch ye therefore: for ye know not when the master of the house cometh, at even, or at midnight, or at the cockcrowing, or in the morning: Lest coming suddenly he find you sleeping. '''And what I say unto you I say unto all, Watch.'''
** 13:28–37 (KJV)

=== [[Gospel of Luke]] ===
[[File:Hagiasophia-christ.jpg|thumb|Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven.]]
&lt;!-- include only statements ''by'' Jesus here that are not already included above, otherwise go to [[Gospel of Luke]] --&gt;
*&quot;And he said to them (Joseph and Mary), “Why were you looking for me? Did you not know that I must be in my Father's house?”
** Luke 2:49 (ESV)

* The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to set the oppressed free, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor.
** Luke 4:18-19 [[New International Version|NIV]]

* '''And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back.'''
** [[w:Jesus|Jesus]] on [[w:usury|usury]] from the [[w:Sermon on the Mount|Sermon on the Mount]], [[w:Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%206:35;&amp;version=31; 6:34–35]

* ''' Ye know not what manner of spirit ye are of. For the Son of man is not come to destroy men's lives, but to save them.''' (KJV)
** 9:55–56 Rebuking James and John for asking if he would command fire to come down from heaven, to consume a village of [[w:Samaritans|Samaritans]] for not receiving them, because they seemed to be headed for Jerusalem.

* In that very hour he became overjoyed in the holy spirit and said: “I publicly praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have carefully hidden these things from wise and intellectual ones and have revealed them to young children. Yes, O Father, because this is the way you approved.
** [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/luke/10/ Luke 10:21], [[New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures]]

* '''A certain man went down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and fell among thieves, which stripped him of his raiment, and wounded him, and departed, leaving him half dead.''' And by chance there came down a certain priest that way: and when he saw him, he passed by on the other side. And likewise a Levite, when he was at the place, came and looked on him, and passed by on the other side. &lt;br /&gt; '''But a certain Samaritan, as he journeyed, came where he was: and when he saw him, he had compassion on him, And went to him, and bound up his wounds, pouring in oil and wine, and set him on his own beast, and brought him to an inn, and took care of him.''' And on the morrow when he departed, he took out two pence, and gave them to the host, and said unto him, Take care of him; and whatsoever thou spendest more, when I come again, I will repay thee. &lt;br /&gt; Which now of these three, thinkest thou, was neighbour unto him that fell among the thieves? &lt;br /&gt; And he said, He that shewed mercy on him. Then said Jesus unto him, '''Go, and do thou likewise.'''
** 10:31–37 The famous parable of the [[w:Good Samaritan|Good Samaritan]].

* And Jesus answered and said unto her, Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things, but one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her.
** 10:41-42 (King James Version| KJV)


* He that is not with me is against me: and he that gathereth not with me scattereth.
** [[w:Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%2011:23;&amp;version=9; 11:23] (KJV)

* Ye fools, did not he that made that which is without make that which is within also?
** 11:40 (KJV)

* '''Woe unto you, lawyers! for ye have taken away the key of knowledge: ye entered not in yourselves, and them that were entering in ye hindered.''' And as he said these things unto them, the scribes and the Pharisees began to urge him vehemently, and to provoke him to speak of many things: Laying wait for him, and seeking to catch something out of his mouth, that they might accuse him.
** 11:52

* When there were gathered together an innumerable multitude of people, insomuch that they trode one upon another, he began to say unto his disciples first of all, '''Beware ye of the leaven of the Pharisees, which is hypocrisy. For there is nothing covered, that shall not be revealed; neither hid, that shall not be known.''' Therefore whatsoever ye have spoken in darkness shall be heard in the light; and that which ye have spoken in the ear in closets shall be proclaimed upon the housetops. And I say unto you my friends, Be not afraid of them that kill the body, and after that have no more that they can do. But I will forewarn you whom ye shall fear: Fear him, which after he hath killed hath power to cast into hell; yea, I say unto you, Fear him.
** 12:1–5

* Are not five sparrows sold for two farthings, and not one of them is forgotten before God? But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not therefore: ye are of more value than many sparrows.
** 12:6–7

* Then he said to them, &quot;Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; '''a man's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions'''.&quot; &lt;br /&gt; And he told them this parable: &quot;The ground of a certain rich man produced a good crop. He thought to himself, 'What shall I do? I have no place to store my crops.' &lt;br /&gt; &quot;Then he said, 'This is what I'll do. I will tear down my barns and build bigger ones, and there I will store all my grain and my goods. And I'll say to myself, &quot;You have plenty of good things laid up for many years. Take life easy; '''eat, drink and be merry'''.&quot; ' &lt;br /&gt; &quot;But God said to him, 'You fool! This very night your life will be demanded from you. Then who will get what you have prepared for yourself?' &lt;br /&gt; &quot;This is how it will be with anyone who stores up things for himself but is not rich toward God.&quot;
** 12:15–21 (NIV)

* Have no fear, little flock, for your Father has approved of giving you the Kingdom.
** [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/luke/12/ 12:32]

* Be ye therefore ready also: for the Son of man cometh at an hour when ye think not.
** 12:40

* The lord of that servant will come in a day when he looketh not for him, and at an hour when he is not aware, and will cut him in sunder, and will appoint him his portion with the unbelievers.
** [[w:Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%2012:46;&amp;version=9; 12:46] (KJV)

* And that servant, which knew his lord's will, and prepared not himself, neither did according to his will, shall be beaten with many stripes.
** [[w:Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%2012:47;&amp;version=9; 12:47] (KJV)

* '''Unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required: and to whom men have committed much, of him they will ask the more. '''
** 12:48

* I came to set fire to the earth, and I wish it were already on fire!
** 12:49 (CEV)

* '''Suppose ye that I am come to give peace on earth? I tell you, Nay; but rather division: For from henceforth there shall be five in one house divided, three against two, and two against three. The father shall be divided against the son, and the son against the father; the mother against the daughter, and the daughter against the mother; the mother in law against her daughter in law, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.''' &lt;br /&gt; And he said also to the people, When ye see a cloud rise out of the west, straightway ye say, There cometh a shower; and so it is. And when ye see the south wind blow, ye say, There will be heat; and it cometh to pass. Ye hypocrites, ye can discern the face of the sky and of the earth; but how is it that ye do not discern this time? '''Yea, and why even of yourselves judge ye not what is right?'''
** 12:51–57 (KJV) Variant translation of 12:57: '''Why do you not judge for yourselves what is right?'''

*If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and his own life also, he cannot be My disciple.
** [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%2014:26;&amp;version=50; 14:26]

* “What man among you with 100 sheep, on losing one of them, will not leave the 99 behind in the wilderness and go after the lost one until he finds it? And when he has found it, he puts it on his shoulders and rejoices. And when he gets home, he calls his friends and his neighbors together, saying to them, ‘Rejoice with me, for I have found my sheep that was lost.’ I tell you that in the same way, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over 99 righteous ones who have no need of repentance.
** [http://wol.jw.org/en/wol/bsync/r4/lp-s/nwt/E/2013/r1/lp-e/42/15#h=141:0-141:86&amp;selbvs=1 Luke 15: 4-7]

* What is exalted among men is an abomination in the sight of God.
** 16:15 [[English Standard Version|ESV]]

* Those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.
** 18:14 [[New International Version|NIV]]

* '''Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven. Verily I say unto you, Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child shall in no wise enter therein.'''
** [http://bible.cc/luke/18-16.htm 18:16–17] (KJV)
** Variant translation: '''Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.''' (NIV)

[[File:Monte Cassino interior 03.jpg|thumb|Yet lackest thou one thing: sell all that thou hast, and distribute unto the [[poor]], and thou shalt have treasure in [[heaven]]: and come, follow me.]]
* Yet lackest thou one thing: sell all that thou hast, and distribute unto the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come, follow me. 
** 18:22 (KJV)

* For it is easier for a camel to go through a needle's eye, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God. 
** 18:25 (KJV)

* Behold, there was a man named Zacchaeus, which was the chief among the publicans, and he was rich. And he sought to see Jesus who he was; and could not for the press, because he was little of stature. And he ran before, and climbed up into a sycomore tree to see him: for he was to pass that way. And when Jesus came to the place, he looked up, and saw him, and said unto him, Zacchaeus, make haste, and come down; for to day I must abide at thy house. And he made haste, and came down, and received him joyfully. And when they saw it, they all murmured, saying, That he was gone to be guest with a man that is a sinner. And Zacchaeus stood, and said unto the Lord: Behold, Lord, the half of my goods I give to the poor; and if I have taken any thing from any man by false accusation, I restore him fourfold. And Jesus said unto him, This day is salvation come to this house, forsomuch as he also is a son of Abraham. For the Son of man is come to seek and to save that which was lost.
** 19:2–10

* '''He added and spake a parable, because he was nigh to Jerusalem, and because they thought that the kingdom of God should immediately appear.''' He said therefore, A certain nobleman went into a far country to receive for himself a kingdom, and to return. And he called his ten servants, and delivered them ten pounds, and said unto them, Occupy till I come. But his citizens hated him, and sent a message after him, saying, We will not have this man to reign over us. And it came to pass, that when he was returned, having received the kingdom, then he commanded these servants to be called unto him, to whom he had given the money, that he might know how much every man had gained by trading. &lt;br /&gt; Then came the first, saying, Lord, thy pound hath gained ten pounds. And he said unto him, Well, thou good servant: because thou hast been faithful in a very little, have thou authority over ten cities. &lt;br /&gt; And the second came, saying, Lord, thy pound hath gained five pounds. And he said likewise to him, Be thou also over five cities. &lt;br /&gt; And another came, saying, Lord, behold, here is thy pound, which I have kept laid up in a napkin: For I feared thee, because thou art an austere man: thou takest up that thou layedst not down, and reapest that thou didst not sow. &lt;br /&gt; And he saith unto him, Out of thine own mouth will I judge thee, thou wicked servant. Thou knewest that I was an austere man, taking up that I laid not down, and reaping that I did not sow: Wherefore then gavest not thou my money into the bank, that at my coming I might have required mine own with usury? &lt;br /&gt; And he said unto them that stood by, Take from him the pound, and give it to him that hath ten pounds. (And they said unto him, Lord, he hath ten pounds.) For '''I say unto you, That unto every one which hath shall be given; and from him that hath not, even that he hath shall be taken away from him. But those mine enemies, which would not that I should reign over them, bring hither, and slay them before me.'''
** 19:11–27; The last line of this parable has been quoted as if it were a command of Jesus, when it is in fact a command given by the protaganist of his story. In later interpretations it was used to justify the collective condemnation and persecution of Jews for not accepting Jesus as the [[w:Messiah|Messiah]], as when [[John Chrysostom]], one of the [[w:Three Holy Hierarchs|Three Holy Hierarchs]], and a [[w:Doctor of the Church|Doctor of the Church]] uses this passage directly to condemn the Jews:
*** The Jewish people were driven by their drunkenness and plumpness to the ultimate evil; they kicked about, they failed to accept the yoke of Christ, nor did they pull the plow of his teaching. Another prophet hinted at this when he said: &quot;Israel is as obstinate as a stubborn heifer.&quot; … Although such beasts are unfit for work, they are fit for killing. And this is what happened to the Jews: while they were making themselves unfit for work, they grew fit for slaughter. This is why Christ said: &quot;But as for these my enemies, who did not want me to be king over them, bring them here and slay them.&quot; ([[w:Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [[s:Bible, King James, Luke#Chapter 19|19:27]])
**** [[John Chrysostom]] (349–ca. 407), ''[http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/source/chrysostom-jews6.html Eight Homilies Against the Jews],'' Homily 1

* At the mount called the mount of Olives, he sent two of his disciples, saying, Go ye into the village over against you; in the which at your entering ye shall find a colt tied, whereon yet never man sat: loose him, and bring him hither. And if any man ask you, Why do ye loose him? thus shall ye say unto him, Because the Lord hath need of him. &lt;br /&gt; And they that were sent went their way, and found even as he had said unto them. And as they were loosing the colt, the owners thereof said unto them, Why loose ye the colt? And they said, The Lord hath need of him.
** 19:29–35

* Then began he to speak to the people this parable; A certain man planted a vineyard, and let it forth to husbandmen, and went into a far country for a long time. And at the season he sent a servant to the husbandmen, that they should give him of the fruit of the vineyard: but the husbandmen beat him, and sent him away empty.And again he sent another servant: and they beat him also, and entreated him shamefully, and sent him away empty. And again he sent a third: and they wounded him also, and cast him out. &lt;br /&gt; Then said the lord of the vineyard, What shall I do? I will send my beloved son: it may be they will reverence him when they see him. &lt;br /&gt; But when the husbandmen saw him, they reasoned among themselves, saying, This is the heir: come, let us kill him, that the inheritance may be ours. &lt;br /&gt; So they cast him out of the vineyard, and killed him. What therefore shall the lord of the vineyard do unto them? &lt;br /&gt; He shall come and destroy these husbandmen, and shall give the vineyard to others. &lt;br /&gt; And when they heard it, they said, God forbid. And he beheld them, and said, '''What is this then that is written, The stone which the builders rejected, the same is become the head of the corner? &lt;br /&gt; Whosoever shall fall upon that stone shall be broken; but on whomsoever it shall fall, it will grind him to powder. &lt;br /&gt; And the chief priests and the scribes the same hour sought to lay hands on him; and they feared the people: for they perceived that he had spoken this parable against them.'''
** 20:9–19

* He is a God, not of the dead, but of the living, for they are all living to him.
** [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/luke/20/ Luke 20:38], [[New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures]]

* People will become faint out of fear and expectation of the things coming upon the inhabited [[earth]], for the powers of the heavens will be shaken. And then they will see the Son of man coming in a [[cloud]] with [[power]] and great [[glory]].
** [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/luke/21/ 21:26-27], [[NWT]]

* ...and he who has no sword, let him sell his garment and buy one.
** Luke 22:36 (NKJV)
* Verily I say unto thee, Today shalt thou be with me in paradise.
** [[w:Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=%20Luke%2023:43&amp;version=KJV 23:43] (KJV)

=== [[Gospel of John]] ===

[[File:Tiffany Jesus Window in Pullman Memorial Universalist Church.jpg|thumb|I am the [[door]]: by me if any man enter in, he shall be [[saved]], and shall go in and out, and find pasture. The [[thief]] cometh not, but for to [[steal]], and to [[kill]], and to [[destroy]]: I am come that they might have [[life]], and that they might have it more [[abundantly]].]]
[[File:Good shepherd 01.jpg|thumb|I am the [[good]] shepherd: the [[w:good shepherd|good shepherd]] giveth his life for the [[sheep]].]]
[[File:Vincent Willem van Gogh 083.jpg|thumb|A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.]]
{{main|Gospel of John}}

* You are Israel's teacher, and do you not understand these things?I tell you the truth, we speak of what we know, and we testify to what we have seen, but still you people do not accept our testimony. I have spoken to you of earthly things and you do not believe; how then will you believe if I speak of heavenly things? No one has ever gone into heaven except the one who came from heaven–the Son of Man. Just as Moses lifted up the snake in the desert, so the Son of Man must be lifted up, that everyone who believes in him may have eternal life. '''For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.''' Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not believed in the name of God's one and only Son. This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God.
**&lt;small&gt;John 3:10–21&lt;/small&gt;
** Variant translation: For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved. ~ 3:17

* If I [Jesus] testify about myself, my testimony is not valid.
** [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John%205:31;&amp;version=31; 5:31]

* ''' Verily, verily, I say unto you, Except ye eat the flesh of the Son of man, and drink his blood, ye have no life in you. Whoso eateth my flesh, and drinketh my blood, hath eternal life; and I will raise him up at the last day. For my flesh is meat indeed, and my blood is drink indeed. He that eateth my flesh, and drinketh my blood, dwelleth in me, and I in him.'''
** 6:53–56

* ''' You shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free.'''
** 8:32

* '''I am the [[door]]''': by me if any man enter in, he shall be saved, and shall go in and out, and find pasture. '''The [[thief]] cometh not, but for to [[steal]], and to [[kill]], and to [[destroy]]: I am come that they might have [[life]], and that they might have it more [[abundantly]]. I am the [[good]] shepherd: the [[w:good shepherd|good shepherd]] giveth his life for the [[sheep]].'''
** [https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John+10&amp;version=KJV;SBLGNT 10:9-11]

*'''Jesus answered them, “Is it not written in your law, ‘I said, “You are gods”''' ’? (34) If he called them gods, to whom the word of God came, and the scripture cannot be broken. (35) New King James Version
**[https://biblehub.com/john/10-34.htm John 10:34]

* I am the [[resurrection]] and the [[life]]. The one who exercises faith in me, even though he dies, will come to life; and everyone who is living and exercises faith in me will never die at all.
** [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/john/11/ 11:25-26], [[NWT]]

* If you know these things, happy you are if you do them.
** [http://wol.jw.org/en/wol/b/r1/lp-e/nwt/E/2013/43/13#h=93:564-93:624 13:17], [[New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures]]

* '''A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.'''
** 13:34–35 KJV

* '''I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.'''
** 14:6

* If ye shall ask any thing in my name, I will do it.
** [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John%2014:14;&amp;version=9; 14:14] (KJV)

* My Father is glorified in this, that you keep bearing much fruit and prove yourselves my disciples. Just as the Father has loved me, so I have loved you; remain in my love. If you observe my commandments, you will remain in my love, just as I have observed the commandments of the Father and remain in his [[love]]. “These things I have spoken to you, so that my joy may be in you and your joy may be made full. This is my commandment, that you love one another just as I have loved you. No one has love greater than this, that someone should surrender his life in behalf of his friends. You are my [[friends]] if you do what I am commanding you. I no longer call you slaves, because a slave does not know what his master does. But I have called you friends, because I have made known to you all the things I have heard from my Father.
** [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/john/15/ 15:8-15], [[New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures]]

* I have said these things to you so that by means of me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation, but take courage! I have conquered the world.
** [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/john/16/ 16:33], [[NWT]]

[[File:William Holman Hunt - Christ And The Two Marys.jpg|thumb|The glory which thou gavest me I have given them; that they may be one, even as we are one: I in them, and thou in me, that they may be made perfect in one; and that the world may know that thou hast sent me, and hast loved them, as thou hast loved me.]]
* '''Father, the hour is come; glorify thy Son, that thy Son also may glorify thee''': As thou hast given him power over all flesh, that he should give eternal life to as many as thou hast given him. '''And this is life eternal, that they might know thee the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom thou hast sent.''' &lt;br /&gt; '''I have glorified thee on the earth: I have finished the work which thou gavest me to do.''' And now, O Father, glorify thou me with thine own self with the glory which I had with thee before the world was. &lt;br /&gt; I have manifested thy name unto the men which thou gavest me out of the world: thine they were, and thou gavest them me; and they have kept thy word. Now they have known that all things whatsoever thou hast given me are of thee. For '''I have given unto them the words which thou gavest me; and they have received them, and have known surely that I came out from thee, and they have believed that thou didst send me.''' &lt;br /&gt; I pray for them: I pray not for the world, but for them which thou hast given me; for they are thine. And all mine are thine, and thine are mine; and I am glorified in them.And now I am no more in the world, but these are in the world, and I come to thee. Holy Father, keep through thine own name those whom thou hast given me, that they may be one, as we are. &lt;br /&gt; While I was with them in the world, I kept them in thy name: those that thou gavest me I have kept, and none of them is lost, but the son of perdition; that the scripture might be fulfilled. And now come I to thee; and these things I speak in the world, that they might have my joy fulfilled in themselves. &lt;br /&gt; I have given them thy word; and the world hath hated them, because they are not of the world, even as I am not of the world. I pray not that thou shouldest take them out of the world, but that thou shouldest keep them from the evil. '''They are not of the world, even as I am not of the world. Sanctify them through thy truth: thy word is truth.''' As thou hast sent me into the world, even so have I also sent them into the world. And for their sakes I sanctify myself, that they also might be sanctified through the truth. Neither pray I for these alone, but for them also which shall believe on me through their word; That they all may be one; as thou, Father, art in me, and I in thee, that they also may be one in us: that the world may believe that thou hast sent me. '''And the glory which thou gavest me I have given them; that they may be one, even as we are one: I in them, and thou in me, that they may be made perfect in one; and that the world may know that thou hast sent me, and hast loved them, as thou hast loved me.''' &lt;br /&gt; Father, I will that they also, whom thou hast given me, be with me where I am; that they may behold my glory, which thou hast given me: for thou lovedst me before the foundation of the world. &lt;br /&gt; '''O righteous Father, the world hath not known thee: but I have known thee, and these have known that thou hast sent me. And I have declared unto them thy name, and will declare it: that the love wherewith thou hast loved me may be in them, and I in them.'''
** 17: 1–26, ([[w:Authorized King James Version|KJV]])
** Variant translations:
** '''Father, the time has come. Glorify your Son, that your Son may glorify you. For you granted him authority over all people that he might give eternal life to all those you have given him.''' Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent. '''I have brought you glory on earth by completing the work you gave me to do. And now, Father, glorify me in your presence with the glory I had with you before the world began.''' &lt;br /&gt; I have revealed you to those whom you gave me out of the world. They were yours; you gave them to me and they have obeyed your word. Now they know that everything you have given me comes from you. For '''I gave them the words you gave me and they accepted them. They knew with certainty that I came from you, and they believed that you sent me.''' I pray for them. I am not praying for the world, but for those you have given me, for they are yours. '''All I have is yours, and all you have is mine. And glory has come to me through them.''' I will remain in the world no longer, but they are still in the world, and I am coming to you. Holy Father, protect them by the power of your name — the name you gave me — so that they may be one as we are one. '''While I was with them, I protected them and kept them safe by that name you gave me.''' None has been lost except the one doomed to destruction so that Scripture would be fulfilled. &lt;br /&gt; I am coming to you now, but I say these things while I am still in the world, so that they may have the full measure of my joy within them. I have given them your word and the world has hated them, for they are not of the world any more than I am of the world. My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one. '''They are not of the world, even as I am not of it. Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth.''' As you sent me into the world, I have sent them into the world. For them I sanctify myself, that they too may be truly sanctified. &lt;br /&gt; '''My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you.''' May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. '''I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one: I in them and you in me.''' May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. &lt;br /&gt; Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world. &lt;br /&gt; Righteous Father, though the world does not know you, I know you, and they know that you have sent me. I have made you known to them, and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them.
*** 17: 1–26, ([[w:New International Version|NIV]])

* My kingdom is not of this world: if my kingdom were of this world, then would my servants fight, that I should not be delivered to the Jews: but now is my kingdom not from hence.
** 18: 36, [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John+18%3A36%3B&amp;version=KJV] (KJV)

* Thou sayest that I am a king. To this end was I born, and for this cause came I into the world, that I should bear witness unto the truth. Every one that is of the truth heareth my voice.
** 18:37, [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John+18%3A37%3B&amp;version=KJV] (KJV)

* '''Touch me not; for I am not yet ascended to my Father: but go to my brethren, and say unto them, I ascend unto my Father, and your Father; and to my God, and your God.'''
** John [https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John+20&amp;version=KJV;SBLGNT 20:17] (KJV)

* '''Peace be unto you: as my Father hath sent me, even so send I you. … Receive ye the [[Holy Ghost]]: Whose soever sins ye remit, they are remitted unto them; and whose soever sins ye retain, they are retained.
** John 20:22-23 (KJV)

* Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and [[believe]]. Thomas answered him, &quot;My Lord and my God!&quot;
** John 20:27-28

* Λέγει αὐτῷ ὁ Ἰησοῦς Ὅτι ἑώρακάς με πεπίστευκας; μακάριοι οἱ μὴ ἰδόντες, καὶ πιστεύσαντες.&lt;BR&gt;“Have you believed because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”
** John 20:29

=== [[Acts of the Apostles]]===
* And, being assembled together with them, commanded them that they should not depart from Jerusalem, but wait for the promise of the Father, which, saith he, ye have heard of me. For John truly baptized with water; but ye shall be baptized with the Holy Ghost not many days hence.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4870983 1:4–5] (KJV)

*It is not for you to know the times or the seasons, which the Father hath put in his own power. But ye shall receive power, after that the Holy Ghost is come upon you: and ye shall be witnesses unto me both in Jerusalem, and in all Judaea, and in Samaria, and unto the uttermost part of the earth.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4870983 1:7–8] (KJV)

* '''It is more blessed to give than to receive.'''
** Acts 20:35b

=== [[Book of Revelation|Revelation]] ===
:&lt;small&gt;Statements attributed to Jesus by [[w:John of Patmos|John of Patmos]] in his vision of [[w:Christ|Christ]] and the [[w:Apocalypse|Apocalypse]].&lt;/small&gt;

* I am [[w:Alpha and Omega (Christianity)|Alpha and Omega]], the first and the last: and, What thou seest, write in a book, and send it unto the seven churches which are in Asia; unto Ephesus, and unto Smyrna, and unto Pergamos, and unto Thyatira, and unto Sardis, and unto Philadelphia, and unto Laodicea.
** Revelation 1:11

* I am he that liveth, and was dead; and, behold, I am alive for evermore, Amen; and have the keys of hell and of death. Write the things which thou hast seen, and the things which are, and the things which shall be hereafter
** Revelation 1:18–19

Variant:

* Do not be afraid. I am the First and the Last, and the living one, and I became dead, but look! I am living forever and ever, and I have the [[key]]s of death and of the Grave.
** [[Revelation]] [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/revelation/1/ 1:17-18], [[NWT]]

* Notwithstanding I have a few things against thee, because thou sufferest that woman Jezebel, which calleth herself a prophetess, to teach and to seduce my servants to commit fornication, and to eat things sacrificed unto idols. And I gave her space to repent of her fornication; and she repented not. Behold, I will cast her into a bed, and them that commit adultery with her into great tribulation, except they repent of their deeds. And I will kill her children with death; and all the churches shall know that I am he which searcheth the reins and hearts: and I will give unto every one of you according to your works
** [[w:Book of Revelation|Revelation]] [https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Revelation+2%3A+20-23&amp;version=AKJV]

* The victor and the one who keeps My works to the end: I will give him authority over the nations— &lt;blockquote&gt;and He will shepherd them with an iron scepter; &lt;br /&gt; He will shatter them like pottery— &lt;br /&gt; just as I have received [this] from My Father.&lt;/blockquote&gt;
** [[w:Book of Revelation|Revelation]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Revelation%202:26-27;&amp;version=77; 2:26–27]

* I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, the first and the last.
** Revelation 22:13

* I Jesus have sent mine angel to testify unto you these things in the churches. I am the root and the offspring of [[David]], and the bright and morning star.
** Revelation 22:16

{{Misattributed begin}}
=== Misattributed ===
The following saying in the Gospel of John, one of the most famous attributed to Jesus, did not appear in the text until the 10th century AD:
* '''He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone''' at her.
** John 8:7 &lt;small&gt;(King James Version)&lt;/small&gt;

{{Misattributed end}}

== Aramaic statements ==
&lt;!-- If someone could provide more of these in either an Aramaic or Hebrew transcription, it would be a very welcome addition --&gt;
:&lt;small&gt;Statements of Jesus preserved in the original [[w:Aramaic|Aramaic]], [[w:Transliteration|transliterated]] into [[w:Greek language|Greek]]. For more details on these statements see the Wikipedia articles on the [[w:Aramaic of Jesus|Aramaic of Jesus]] and [[w:Words of Jesus on the cross|Words of Jesus on the cross]].&lt;/small&gt;

[[File:StJohnsAshfield StainedGlass PeterDorcas.jpg|thumb|upright|left|''Talitha koum'']]
===&quot;Little girl, arise.&quot;===
* Aramaic: &quot;{{lang|arc|טלתא קומי|rtl}}&quot; (''{{lang|arc-Latn|Ţlîthâ qûm}}'')
** Greek transliteration: &quot;{{lang|arc-Grek|ταλιθα κουμ}}&quot; (''{{lang|arc-Latn|Talitha koum}}'')
** Words said when reviving the daughter of a Jewish leader after she had been declared dead. Jesus asked, &quot;Why make ye this ado, and weep? the damsel is not dead, but sleepeth.&quot; He then spoke this quote, one of his few statements which have been reliably preserved as a transliteration of the Hebrew/Aramaic which he spoke. (Mark 5:38–42)

[[File:Cristo_crucificado.jpg|thumb|''Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?'']]
===&quot;My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?&quot;===
* Aramaic: &quot;{{lang|arc|אלהי אלהי למא שבקתני|rtl}}&quot; (''{{lang|arc-Latn|Êlî êlî lâmâ `azabtânî}}'')
** Greek transliteration (Mark 15:34): &quot;{{lang|arc-Grek|ελωι ελωι λεμα σαβαχθανι;}}&quot; (''{{lang|arc-Latn|Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?}}'')
** Greek transliteration (Matthew 27:46): &quot;{{lang|arc-Grek|ηλι ηλι λεμα σαβαχθανι;}}&quot; (''{{lang|arc-Latn|Eli, Eli lama sabbachthani?}}'')
** Words spoken during his crucifixion. Jesus here seems to be quoting a [[w:Targum|targum]] of the first line of Psalm 22. This is a quote from King David: &quot;My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me? [Why art thou so] far from helping me, [and from] the words of my roaring?&quot; (Psalm 22:1). Quoting the first verse was a standard Jewish way of referring to a whole psalm. This psalm is regarded by many to be a prophecy of the Messiah's suffering. It ends with a declaration of victory, &quot;They shall come, and shall declare his righteousness unto a people that shall be born, that he hath done [this].&quot; (Psalm 22:31)

== Variants of major statements ==
:&lt;small&gt;''Variants of major statements from different sources compared ''&lt;/small&gt;
&lt;!-- This might eventually become the largest section, but it will likely be a gradual process.--&gt;
[[File:Rossakiewicz Prayer.jpg|thumb|Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name. &lt;br /&gt; Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.]]

* After this manner therefore pray ye: '''Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name. &lt;br /&gt; Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven. &lt;br /&gt; Give us this day our daily bread. &lt;br /&gt; And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. &lt;br /&gt; And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen.'''
** Matthew 6:9–13 (KJV) The version in Luke does not contain the last verse of this passage, and some translations have these two lines as &lt;br /&gt; forgive us our trespass &lt;br /&gt; as we forgive those who trespass against us
** In this manner, therefore, pray: &lt;br /&gt; Our Father in heaven, &lt;br /&gt; Hallowed be Your name. &lt;br /&gt; Your kingdom come. &lt;br /&gt; Your will be done &lt;br /&gt; On earth as it is in heaven. &lt;br /&gt; Give us this day our daily bread. &lt;br /&gt; And forgive us our debts, &lt;br /&gt; As we forgive our debtors. &lt;br /&gt; And do not lead us into temptation, &lt;br /&gt; But deliver us from the evil one. &lt;br /&gt; For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. &lt;br /&gt; Amen.
***Matthew 6:9–13 (NKJV)
** And he said unto them, When ye pray, say, Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name. &lt;br /&gt; Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done, as in heaven, so in earth. &lt;br /&gt; Give us day by day our daily bread. &lt;br /&gt; And forgive us our sins; for we also forgive every one that is indebted to us. &lt;br /&gt; And lead us not into temptation; but deliver us from evil.
*** Luke 11:2–4 (KJV)

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* '''Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.''' (Matthew 7:1–2) (KJV)

* '''Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven''': Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again. (Luke 6:37–38) (KJV)

* '''Do not judge according to appearance, but judge with righteous judgment.''' (John 7:24) (NASB)
** Variant translation: Stop judging by mere appearances, and make a right judgment. (NIV)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

* So watch yourselves. '''If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him.''' If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, 'I repent,' forgive him. (Luke 17:3–4) (NIV)

* If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. (Matthew 18:15) (NIV)
* (Some manuscripts read: &quot;If your brother sins, go and show him his fault...&quot;)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
[[File:Gian Lorenzo Bernini - Dove of the Holy Spirit.JPG|thumb|Whoever blasphemes against the Father will be forgiven, and whoever blasphemes against the Son will be forgiven, but whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven either on earth or in heaven.]]
* '''Whoever blasphemes against the Father will be forgiven, and whoever blasphemes against the Son will be forgiven, but whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven either on earth or in heaven'''. (''Gospel of Thomas'' Saying 44)
** The terms &quot;[[w:Holy Spirit|Holy Spirit]]&quot; or &quot;Holy Ghost&quot; are used as translations of the Greek word πνευμα (''[[w:Pneumatology|Pneuma]]'') meaning &quot;Spirit&quot; or &quot;Breath&quot;; in most of the traditional theologies that developed in the centuries after the crucifixion of Jesus these have been taken to mean the third person of the Christian [[w:Trinity|Trinity]]. Other interpretations not dependent upon trinitarian doctrines also exist.

* '''Wherefore I say unto you, All manner of sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven unto men: but the blasphemy against the Holy Ghost shall not be forgiven unto men. And whosoever speaketh a word against the Son of man, it shall be forgiven him: but whosoever speaketh against the Holy Ghost, it shall not be forgiven him, neither in this world, neither in the world to come.''' (Matthew 12:31–32) (KJV)

* '''Verily I say unto you, All sins shall be forgiven unto the sons of men, and blasphemies wherewith soever they shall blaspheme: But he that shall blaspheme against the Holy Ghost hath never forgiveness, but is in danger of eternal damnation.''' (Mark 3:28–29) (KJV)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

* Master, we saw one casting out devils in thy name, and he followeth not us: and we forbad him, because he followeth not us. But Jesus said, '''Forbid him not: for there is no man which shall do a miracle in my name, that can lightly speak evil of me. For he that is not against us is on our part.'''
** Mark 9:38–40 (KJV)

* '''He that is not with me is against me; and he that gathereth not with me scattereth abroad.'''
** Matthew 12:30 (KJV)

* Master, we saw one casting out devils in thy name; and we forbad him, because he followeth not with us. And Jesus said unto him, '''Forbid him not: for he that is not against us is for us.'''
** Luke 9:49–50 (KJV)

* '''He that is not with me is against me: and he that gathereth not with me scattereth.'''
** Luke 11:23 (KJV)

::The apparent contradiction of these four quotes is not so great a paradox as it might seem. Plainly some could interpret these assertions as being made with an absolutely universal context and application, and thus as absolutely contradictory, but other interpretations recognize that the context of the assertions differ, and thus their application. When someone is actively ''promoting'' things they consider wise, like compassion or liberty against human apathy or hostilities then those who are not &quot;for&quot; them are against them; but when they are simply ''doing'' good, or maintaining and exercising personal freedom and compassion, especially in hostile environments, then those who are not actively against them are for them.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

* All they that take the sword shall perish with the sword.
** Matthew 26:52 (KJV)
** This also is referenced by the author of ''Revelation'' 13:10: He that killeth with the sword must be killed with the sword. Here is the patience and the faith of the saints.
** Proverbial variants (unsourced translations): He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword. &lt;br /&gt; They who live by the sword shall die by the sword.

== [[w:Gnostic Gospels|Gnostic Gospels]] ==
:&lt;small&gt;The term gnostic gospels (pronunciation: naws-tik) refers to gnostic collections of writings or teachings of Jesus. These gospels did not become part of the standard Biblical canon, and are part of what is called New Testament apocrypha. &lt;/small&gt;

=== [[Gospel of Thomas]] (c. 2nd century AD manuscript)===
{{main|Gospel of Thomas}}
[[File:Grunewald - christ.jpg|thumb|The [[Kingdom of God|Kingdom]] is inside of you, and it is outside of you. When you come to [[know]] [[yourselves]], then you will become known, and you will [[realize]] that it is you who are the [[sons]] of the [[living]] Father. But if you will not know yourselves, you dwell in [[poverty]] and it is you who are that poverty.]]
:&lt;small&gt;''The Gospel of Thomas'' or ''Evangelion Thomas'' (Good Message of Thomas), unlike the four canonical gospels, contains very little narrative, and is mostly a list of statements that Yeshua is said to have made. It should be noted that this work was never accepted as [[w:Biblical canon|canonical]], and debate continues whether it was most likely written before or after the gospels that did become canonical. The number at the end of any quotation in this section refers to the generally accepted number of the saying. &lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Friedrich Kreuz im Wald.jpg |thumb|You [[read]] the [[face]] of the [[sky]] and of the [[earth]], but you have not [[recognized]] [[the one]] who is before you, and you do not know how to read this [[moment]].]]

* ''' Whoever shall find the interpretation of these words shall not taste of death.''' (1)
** I have not a devil; but I honour my Father, and ye do dishonour me. And I seek not mine own glory: there is one that seeketh and judgeth. Verily, verily, I say unto you, If a man keep my saying, he shall never see death. (''John'' 8:49–51)

* '''Let him who seeks continue seeking until he finds.''' When he finds, he will become troubled. When he becomes troubled, he will be astonished, and he will rule over [[the All]]. (2)

* If those who lead you say, 'See, the [[Kingdom of God|Kingdom]] is in the [[sky]],' then the [[birds]] of the sky will precede you. If they say to you, 'It is in the [[sea]],' then the [[fish]] will precede you. '''Rather, the Kingdom is inside of you, and it is outside of you. When you come to [[know]] [[yourselves]], then you will become known, and you will realize that it is you who are the sons of the living Father. But if you will not know yourselves, you dwell in [[poverty]] and it is you who are that poverty.''' (3)
** And when he was demanded of the Pharisees, when the kingdom of God should come, he answered them and said, '''The kingdom of God cometh not with observation: Neither shall they say, Lo here! or, lo there! for, behold, the kingdom of God is within you.''' (Luke 17:21)

* '''The man old in days will not hesitate to ask a small child seven days old about the place of [[life]], and he will live. For many who are first will become last, and they will become one and the same.''' (4)

* Recognize what is in your [[sight]], and that which is hidden from you will become plain to you. '''For there is [[nothing]] hidden which will not become manifest.''' (5)

* '''Do not tell [[lies]], and do not do what you [[hate]], for all things are plain in the sight of [[Heaven]]. For nothing hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain without being uncovered.''' (6)

* Blessed is the lion which becomes man when consumed by man; and cursed is the man whom the lion consumes, and the lion becomes man. (7)
** This saying has been interpreted by some as refering to such anger as consumes a man…(rather than is consumed by him, through his reason and love), 'til that man ''is'' the lion of Anger. Other more mystical interpretations might also be found or devised that have merit.

* The Kingdom is like a wise fisherman who cast his net into the sea and drew it up from the sea full of small fish. Among them the wise fisherman found a fine large fish. He threw all the small fish back into the sea and chose the large fish without difficulty. Whoever has ears to hear, let him hear. (8)

* Now the sower went out, took a handful (of seeds), and scattered them. Some fell on the road; the birds came and gathered them up. Others fell on the rock, did not take root in the soil, and did not produce ears. And others fell on thorns; they choked the seed and worms ate them. And others fell on the good soil and produced good fruit: it bore sixty per measure and a hundred and twenty per measure. (9)
** He spake many things unto them in parables, saying, Behold, a sower went forth to sow; And when he sowed, some seeds fell by the way side, and the fowls came and devoured them up: Some fell upon stony places, where they had not much earth: and forthwith they sprung up, because they had no deepness of earth: And when the sun was up, they were scorched; and because they had no root, they withered away. And some fell among thorns; and the thorns sprung up, and choked them: But other fell into good ground, and brought forth fruit, some an hundredfold, some sixtyfold, some thirtyfold. Who hath ears to hear, let him hear. (Matthew 13:3–9)
**see also: Mk4:3–8, Lk8:5–8

* '''I have cast fire upon the world, and see, I am guarding it until it blazes.''' (10)

* '''This heaven will pass away, and the one above it will pass away. The dead are not alive, and the living will not die.''' In the days when you consumed what is dead, you made it what is alive. When you come to dwell in the light, what will you do? On the day when you were one you became two. But when you become two, what will you do? (11)

* Jesus said to His disciples, &quot;Compare me to someone and tell Me whom I am like.&quot; Simon Peter said to Him, &quot;You are like a righteous angel.&quot; Matthew said to Him, &quot;You are like a wise philosopher.&quot; Thomas said to Him, &quot;'''Master, my mouth is wholly incapable of saying whom You are like.'''&quot; &lt;br /&gt; Jesus said, &quot;I am not your master. Because you have drunk, you have become intoxicated by the bubbling spring which I have measured out.&quot; And He took him and withdrew and told him three things. When Thomas returned to his companions, they asked him, &quot;What did Jesus say to you?&quot; Thomas said to them, &quot;If I tell you one of the things which he told me, you will pick up stones and throw them at me; a fire will come out of the stones and burn you up.&quot;(13)

* If you fast, you will give rise to sin for yourselves; and if you pray, you will be condemned; and if you give alms, you will do harm to your spirits. When you go into any land and walk about in the districts, if they receive you, eat what they will set before you, and heal the sick among them. For what goes into your mouth will not defile you, but that which issues from your mouth&amp;mdash;it is that which will defile you. (14)

* If the flesh came into being because of spirit, it is a wonder. But if spirit came into being because of the body, it is a wonder of wonders. Indeed, I am amazed at how this great wealth has made its home in this poverty. (29)

* '''Whoever blasphemes against the Father will be forgiven, and whoever blasphemes against the Son will be forgiven, but whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven either on earth or in heaven'''. (44)

*I disclose my mysteries to those who are worthy of my mysteries. (62)

*I will destroy this house, and no one will be able to build it....(71)

*Adam came from great power and great wealth, but he was not worthy of you. For had he been worthy, [he would] not [have tasted] death. (85)

*[Foxes have] their dens and birds have their nests, but human beings have no place to lay down and rest. (86)

* '''You read the [[face]] of the [[sky]] and of the [[earth]], but you have not recognized the one who is before you, and you do not know how to read this [[moment]].''' (91)

*One who seeks will find, and for [one who knocks] it will be opened (94)

*If you have money, don't lend it at interest. Rather, give [it] to someone from whom you won't get it back.&quot; (95)

*When you make the two into one, you will become children of Adam, and when you say, 'Mountain, move from here!' it will move (106)

*Whoever drinks from my mouth will become like me; I myself shall become that person, and the hidden things will be revealed to him. (108)

* His disciples said to Him, &quot;When will the Kingdom come?&quot; &lt;br /&gt; Jesus said, &quot;'''It will not come by waiting for it. It will not be a matter of saying 'Here it is' or 'There it is.' Rather, the Kingdom of the Father is spread out upon the earth, and men do not see it.'''&quot; (113)

* Simon Peter said to Him, &quot;Let Mary leave us, for women are not worthy of Life.&quot; Jesus said, &quot;I myself shall lead her in order to make her male, so that she too may become a living spirit resembling you males. For every woman who will make herself male will enter the Kingdom of Heaven.&quot; (114)

====Second Infancy Gospel of Jesus/[[w:Infancy Gospel of Thomas|The Infancy Gospel of Thomas]]====

* I, Thomas, an Israelite, judged it necessary to make known to our brethren among the Gentiles, the actions and miracles of Christ in his childhood, which our Lord and God Jesus Christ wrought after his birth in Bethlehem in our country, at which I myself was astonished; the beginning of which was as follows. When the child Jesus was five years of age and there had been a shower of rain that was now over, Jesus was playing with other Hebrew boys by a running stream, and the waters ran over the banks and stood in little lakes; But the water instantly became clear and useful again; they readily obeyed him after he touched them only by his word. Then he took from the bank of the stream some soft clay and formed out of it twelve sparrows; and there were other boys playing with him. But a certain Jew seeing the things which he was doing, namely, his forming clay into the figures of sparrows on the Sabbath day, went presently away and told his father Joseph, 6. Behold, your boy is playing by the river side, and has taken clay and formed it into twelve sparrows, and profanes the Sabbath. Then Joseph came to the place where he was, and when he saw him, called to him, and said, Why do you that which is not lawful to do on the Sabbath day? Then Jesus clapping together the palms of his hands, called to the sparrows, and said to them: Go, fly away; and while you live remember me. So the sparrows fled away, making a noise. The Jews seeing this, were astonished and went away and told their chief persons what a strange miracle they had seen wrought by Jesus.
** [http://ministries.tliquest.net/theology/apocryphas/nt/infancy2.htm &quot;Second Infancy Gospel of Jesus Christ&quot;], Chapter 1, 1-10, 140 CE.

=== [[w:Gospel of Judas|Gospel of Judas]] ===

* [Jesus laughs as he watches his disciples offering a prayer to God before Passover.]&lt;br/&gt; Disciples: Why are you laughing at us?&lt;br/&gt; Jesus says that he is laughing not at them but at their strange idea of pleasing their God.
** Jesus to his disciples from the [[w:Gospel_of_Judas|Judas]]. See &quot;[http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2006/04/17/060417crbo_books Jesus Laughed]&quot; and &quot;[http://www.slate.com/id/2139781/ Judas Saves: Why the lost gospel makes sense]&quot;.

* You will exceed all of them. For you will sacrifice the man that clothes me.
** Jesus to Judas, [[w:Gospel_of_Judas|Judas]]

* Judas: I know who you are and where you have come from. You are from the immortal realm of [[w:Barbelo|Barbelo]].&lt;br/&gt; Jesus: Step away from the others and I shall tell you the mysteries of the Kingdom.
** Exchange between Judas and Jesus from the [[w:Gospel_of_Judas|Judas]]. See &quot;[http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2006/04/17/060417crbo_books Jesus Laughed]&quot; and &quot;[http://www.slate.com/id/2139781/ Judas Saves: Why the lost gospel makes sense]&quot;.

* Only Judas has guessed the master aright—and has discerned that he comes from the heavenly realm of the god &quot;[[w:Barbelo|Barbelo]].&quot; In the realm of Barbelo, it seems, earthly pains are unknown and the fortunate inhabitants are free from the attentions of the God of the Old Testament. Jesus himself is descended in some fashion from Adam's third son, Seth. With Judas' help, he hopes to guide the seed of Seth back to the realm of Barbelo.
** A paraphrasing of Jesus' statements in the [[w:Gospel_of_Judas|Judas]] from &quot;[http://www.slate.com/id/2139781/ Judas Saves: Why the lost gospel makes sense]&quot;. See also &quot;[http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2006/04/17/060417crbo_books Jesus Laughed]&quot;.

* [O]ut beyond the stars, there exists a divine, blessed realm, free of the materiality of this earthly one. This is the realm of [[w:Barbelo|Barbelo]], a name that gnostics gave the celestial Mother, who lives there with, among others, her progeny, a good God awkwardly called the Self-Generated One. Jesus, it turns out, is not the son of the Old Testament God, whose retinue includes a rebellious creator known as [[w:Yaldabaoth|Yaldabaoth]], but an avatar of Adam’s third son, Seth. His mission is to show those lucky members of mankind who still have a “Sethian” spark the way back to the blessed realm. Jesus, we learn, was laughing at the disciples’ prayer because it was directed at their God, the Old Testament God, who is really no friend of mankind but, rather, the cause of its suffering.
** A paraphrasing of Jesus' statements in the [[w:Gospel_of_Judas|Judas]] from &quot;[http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2006/04/17/060417crbo_books Jesus Laughed]&quot;. See also &quot;[http://www.slate.com/id/2139781/ Judas Saves: Why the lost gospel makes sense]&quot;.

* Judas: I saw myself as the twelve disciples were [[stoning]] me.&lt;br/&gt; Jesus: You will be cursed by the other generations … you will come to rule over them.
** Exchange between Judas and Jesus from the [[w:Gospel_of_Judas|Judas]]. See &quot;[http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2006/04/17/060417crbo_books Jesus Laughed]&quot; and &quot;[http://www.slate.com/id/2139781/ Judas Saves: Why the lost gospel makes sense]&quot;.

* Lift up your eyes and look at the cloud and the light within it and the stars surrounding it. The star that leads the way is your star.
** Jesus to Judas, [[w:Gospel_of_Judas|Judas]]. See &quot;[http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2006/04/17/060417crbo_books Jesus Laughed]&quot; and &quot;[http://www.slate.com/id/2139781/ Judas Saves: Why the lost gospel makes sense]&quot;.

=== [[Berlin Codex]] ===
==== [[Gospel of Mary]] ====
:&lt;small&gt;[http://www.gnosis.org/library/marygosp.htm Text online]&lt;/small&gt;

* '''[[All]] [[natures]], all formed things, all [[creatures]] [[exist]] in and with one another and will again be resolved into their own roots, because the nature of matter is dissolved into the roots of its nature alone. He who has ears to hear, let him hear.'''

* There is no [[sin]], but it is you who make sin when you do the things that are like the nature of [[adultery]], which is called sin.&lt;br&gt;That is why the [[Good]] came into your midst, to the [[essence]] of every nature in order to restore it to its root.&lt;br&gt;Then He continued and said, That is why you become [[sick]] and [[die]], for you are deprived of [[the one]] who can [[heal]] you.
** Chapter 4, in response to a question by Peter: &quot;Since you have now explained all things to us, tell us this: what is the sin of the world?&quot;
** Adultery is also translated as &quot;fornication&quot;. [http://www.sacred-texts.com/chr/apo/marym.htm]

* Matter gave [[birth]] to a [[passion]] that has no equal, which proceeded from something contrary to nature. Then there arises a disturbance in its whole body.
** Chapter 4.

* Be of good courage, and if you are discouraged, still take courage over against the various forms of nature. He who has ears to hear, let him hear.
** Chapter 4.

* '''Peace be with you. Receive my peace unto yourselves. Beware that no one lead you astray saying Lo here or lo there! For the Son of Man is within you.''' Follow after Him! Those who seek Him will find Him. Go then and preach the gospel of the Kingdom. '''Do not lay down any rules beyond what I appointed you, and do not give a law like the lawgiver lest you be constrained by it.'''
**Chapter 4.
** Peace be with you. Receive my peace for yourselves. Take heed lest anyone lead you astray with the words, 'Lo, here!' or 'Lo, there!' for the Son of Man is within you. Follow him; those who seek him will find him. Go, therefore, and preach the Gospel of the Kingdom. I have left no commandment but what I have commanded you, and I have given you no law, as the lawgiver did, lest you be bound by it.
** Variant translation. [http://www.sacred-texts.com/chr/apo/marym.htm]

==[[w:New Testament apocrypha|Apocrypha]]==

=== First Infancy Gospel of Jesus Christ/[[w:Syriac Infancy Gospel|The Arabic Gospel of the Infancy of the Saviour]] ===
* And when the Lord Jesus was seven years of age, he was on a certain day with other boys his companions about the same age. Who at play made clay into several shapes, namely, asses, oxen, birds, and other figures. Each boasting of his work and endeavoring to exceed the rest. Then the Lord Jesus said to the boys, I will command these figures which I have made to walk. And immediately they moved, and when he commanded them to return, they returned. He had also made the figures of birds and sparrows, which, when he commanded to fly, did fly, and when he commanded to stand still, did stand still; and if he gave them meat and drink, they did eat and drink. When at length the boys went away and related these things to their parents, their fathers said to them, Take heed, children, for the future, of his company, for he is a sorcerer; shun and avoid him, and from now on never play with him.
** [http://ministries.tliquest.net/theology/apocryphas/nt/infancy1.htm &quot;The First Gospel of the Infancy of Jesus Christ&quot;], Chapter 15, 1-7, 400 CE.

=== [[w:Gospel of Pseudo-Matthew|Gospel of Pseudo-Matthew]] ===

* And it came to pass on the third day of their journey, while they were walking, that the blessed Mary was fatigued by the excessive heat of the sun in the desert; and seeing a palm tree, she said to Joseph: Let me rest a little under the shade of this tree. Joseph therefore made haste, and led her to the palm, and made her come down from her beast. And as the blessed Mary was sitting there, she looked up to the foliage of the palm, and saw it full of fruit, and said to Joseph: I wish it were possible to get some of the fruit of this palm. And Joseph said to her: I wonder that thou sayest this, when thou seest how high the palm tree is; and that thou thinkest of eating of its fruit. I am thinking more of the want of water, because the skins are now empty, and we have none wherewith to refresh ourselves and our cattle. Then the child Jesus, with a joyful countenance, reposing in the bosom of His mother, said to the palm: O tree, bend thy branches, and refresh my mother with thy fruit. And immediately at these words the palm bent its top down to the very feet of the blessed Mary; and they gathered from it fruit, with which they were all refreshed. And after they had gathered all its fruit, it remained bent down, waiting the order to rise from Him who had commanded it to stoop. Then Jesus said to it: Raise thyself, O palm tree, and be strong, and be the companion of my trees, which are in the paradise of my Father; and open from thy roots a vein of water which has been hid in the earth, and let the waters flow, so that we may be satisfied from thee. And it rose up immediately, and at its root there began to come forth a spring of water exceedingly clear and cool and sparkling. And when they saw the spring of water, they rejoiced with great joy, and were satisfied, themselves and all their cattle and their beasts. Wherefore they gave thanks to God.
** &quot;The Gospel of Pseudo-Matthew&quot; Chapter 20, (8th-9th century CE)

==[[w:Gospel of Barnabas|Gospel of Barnabas]] (c. 16th century AD manuscript) ==
[[File:Jesus ascends to heaven.jpg|thumb|Cursed be every one who shall insert into my sayings that I am the son of God. ~ Jesus in [[w:Gospel of Barnabas|Gospel of Barnabas]]]]

* All which a man loves, for which he leaves everything else but that, is his god, thus the glutton and drunkard has for his idol his own flesh, the fornicator has for his idol the harlot and the greedy has for his idol silver and gold, and so the same for every other sinner.
** Ch. 33

* And having said this, Jesus smote his face with both his hands, and then smote the ground with his head. And having raised his head, he said: &quot;'''Cursed be every one who shall insert into my sayings that I am the son of God.'''&quot; At these words the disciples fell down as dead, whereupon Jesus lifted them up, saying: 'Let us fear God now, if we would not be affrighted in that day.'
** Ch. 53

* Jesus answered: &quot;As God lives, in whose presence my soul stands, I am not the Messiah whom all the tribes of the earth expect, even as God promised to our father Abraham, saying: &quot;In your seed will I bless all the tribes of the earth.&quot; But '''when God shall take me away from the world, Satan will raise again this accursed sedition, by making the impious believe that I am God and son of God, whence my words and my doctrine shall be contaminated''', insomuch that scarcely shall there remain thirty faithful ones: whereupon God will have mercy upon the world&quot;
** Ch. 97

[[File:Bécs 010 (4282133536).jpg|thumb|All which a man loves, for which he leaves everything else but that, is his god. ]]
* Jesus answered: &quot;Believe me, Barnabas that I cannot weep as much as I ought. For if men had not called me God, I should have seen God here as he will be seen in paradise, and should have been safe not to fear the day of judgment. But God knows that I am innocent, because never have I harboured thought to be held more than a poor slave. No, '''I tell you that if I had not been called God I should have been carried into paradise when I shall depart from the world, whereas now I shall not go thither until the judgment.''' Now you see if I have cause to weep.&quot;
** Ch. 112

* And '''though I have been innocent in the world, since men have called me &quot;God,&quot; and &quot;Son of God,&quot; God, in order that I be not mocked of the demons on the day of judgment, has willed that I be mocked of men in this world by the death of Judas;, making all men to believe that I died upon the cross'''.
** Ch. 220

==The Book of Mormon and LDS Scripture==

===The Book of Mormon (1830)===
:&lt;small&gt;This section contains quotes by Jesus that occur in the ''[[w:Book of Mormon|Book of Mormon]]'' and ''[[w:LDS|Mormon]] Scriptures''&lt;/small&gt;

* Behold, I am Jesus Christ. I am the Father and the Son.
** ''[[s:Book of Mormon|The Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Ether|Ether]] [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Ether#Chapter_Three|3:14]]. Jesus is both the Father ''and'' the Son.

* Behold, that great city Zarahemla have I burned with fire, and the inhabitants thereof.&lt;br/&gt; And behold, that great city Moroni have I caused to be sunk in the depths of the sea, and the inhabitants thereof to be drowned.&lt;br/&gt; And behold, that great city Moronihah have I covered with earth, …&lt;br/&gt; And behold, the city of Gilgal have I caused to be sunk, and the inhabitants thereof to be buried up in the depths of the earth;&lt;br/&gt; Yea, and the city of Onihah and the inhabitants thereof, and the city of Mocum and the inhabitants thereof, and the city of Jerusalem and the inhabitants thereof; and waters have I caused to come up in the stead thereof, to hide their wickedness and abominations from before my face, …&lt;br/&gt; And behold, the city of Gadiandi, and the city of Gadiomnah, and the city of Jacob, and the city of Gimgimno, all these have I caused to be sunk, …&lt;br/&gt; that great city Jacobugath, which was inhabited by the people of king Jacob, have I caused to be burned with fire …&lt;br/&gt; the city of Laman, and the city of Josh, and the city of Gad, and the city of Kishkumen, have I caused to be burned with fire, and the inhabitants thereof, because of their wickedness in casting out the prophets, and stoning those whom I did send to declare unto them concerning their wickedness and their abominations.&lt;br/&gt; And because they did cast them all out, that there were none righteous among them, I did send down fire and destroy them, …&lt;br/&gt; And many great destructions have I caused to come upon this land, and upon this people, …&lt;br/&gt; Behold, I am Jesus Christ the Son of God.
** ''[[s:Book of Mormon|The Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book_of_Mormon/3_Nephi|3 Nephi]] [[s:Book_of_Mormon/3_Nephi#Chapter_Nine|9:3–15]]

* Behold I have given unto you my gospel, and this is the gospel which I have given unto you—that I came into the world to do the will of my Father, because my Father sent me. And my Father sent me that I might be lifted up upon the cross; and after that I had been lifted up upon the cross, that I might draw all men unto me, that as I have been lifted up by men even so should men be lifted up by the Father, to stand before me, to be judged of their works, whether they be good or whether they be evil— And for this cause have I been lifted up; therefore, according to the power of the Father I will draw all men unto me, that they may be judged according to their works. And it shall come to pass, that whoso repenteth and is baptized in my name shall be filled; and if he endureth to the end, behold, him will I hold guiltless before my Father at that day when I shall stand to judge the world. And he that endureth not unto the end, the same is he that is also hewn down and cast into the fire, from whence they can no more return, because of the justice of the Father. And this is the word which he hath given unto the children of men. And for this cause he fulfilleth the words which he hath given, and he lieth not, but fulfilleth all his words. And no unclean thing can enter into his kingdom; therefore nothing entereth into his rest save it be those who have washed their garments in my blood, because of their faith, and the repentance of all their sins, and their faithfulness unto the end.
** ''[[s:Book of Mormon|The Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book_of_Mormon/3_Nephi|3 Nephi]] [[s:Book_of_Mormon/3_Nephi#Chapter_Twenty-seven|27:13–19]]. In the Book of Mormon, Jesus Christ gave a specific definition of ''the gospel''.

===Doctrine and Covenants===
* I was in the beginning with the Father, and am the Firstborn[.]
** [[w:Jesus|Jesus]], ''[[w:Doctrine and Covenants|Doctrine and Covenants]]'', [[s:The_Doctrine_and_Covenants/Section_93|93:21]]

* Verily, thus saith the Lord unto you my servant [[w:Joseph Smith, Jr.|Joseph]], that inasmuch as you have inquired of my hand to know and understand wherein I, the Lord, justified my servants Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, as also Moses, David and Solomon, my servants, as touching '''the principle and doctrine of their having many wives and concubines—'''&lt;br/&gt; Behold, and lo, I am the Lord thy God, and will answer thee as touching this matter.&lt;br/&gt; Therefore, prepare thy heart to receive and obey the instructions which I am about to give unto you; for all those who have this law revealed unto them must obey the same.&lt;br/&gt; For behold, '''I reveal unto you a new and an everlasting covenant; and if ye abide not that covenant, then are ye damned; for no one can reject this covenant and be permitted to enter into my glory.''' …&lt;br/&gt; if a man marry a wife by my word, which is my law, and by the new and everlasting covenant, and it is sealed unto them by the Holy Spirit of promise, by him who is anointed, unto whom I have appointed this power and the keys of this priesthood …&lt;br/&gt; Then shall ''they be gods'', because they have no end …&lt;br/&gt; to know the only wise and true God, and '''[[w:Jesus Christ|Jesus Christ]], whom he hath sent. I am he. Receive ye, therefore, my law.''' …&lt;br/&gt; God commanded Abraham, and Sarah gave Hagar to Abraham to wife. And why did she do it? Because this was the law; and from Hagar sprang many people. This, therefore, was fulfilling, among other things, the promises. …&lt;br/&gt; Was Abraham, therefore, under condemnation? Verily I say unto you, Nay; for I, the Lord, commanded it. …&lt;br/&gt; Abraham received concubines, and they bore him children; and it was accounted unto him for righteousness, because they were given unto him, and he abode in my law; as Isaac also and Jacob did none other things than that which they were commanded; and because they did none other things than that which they were commanded, they have entered into their exaltation, according to the promises, and sit upon thrones, and are not angels but are gods.&lt;br/&gt; David also received ''many wives and concubines'', and also Solomon and Moses my servants, as also many others of my servants, from the beginning of creation until this time; and in nothing did they sin save in those things which they received not of me. …&lt;br/&gt; David's ''wives and concubines'' were given unto him of me …&lt;br/&gt; And let mine handmaid, [[w:Emma Smith|Emma Smith]], receive all those that have been given unto my servant [[w:Joseph Smith, Jr.|Joseph]] …&lt;br/&gt; Let no one, therefore, set on my servant [[w:Joseph Smith, Jr.|Joseph]]; for I will justify him …&lt;br/&gt; as pertaining to the law of the priesthood—'''if any man espouse a virgin, and desire to espouse another, and the first give her consent, and if he espouse the second, and they are virgins, and have vowed to no other man, then is he justified; he cannot commit adultery for they are given unto him; for he cannot commit adultery with that that belongeth unto him and to no one else.'''&lt;br/&gt; '''And if he have ten virgins given unto him by this law, he cannot commit adultery, for they belong to him, and they are given unto him; therefore is he justified.''' …&lt;br/&gt; [T]hen shall she believe and administer unto him, or she shall be destroyed, saith the Lord your God; for I will destroy her; … if she receive not this law … she then becomes the transgressor; and he is exempt[.]
** [[w:Jesus Christ|Jesus Christ]], speaking through [[w:Joseph Smith, Jr.|Joseph Smith]]'s 12 July [[w:1843 polygamy revelation|1843 polygamy revelation]] on [[w:plural marriage|plural marriage]] and His demand that [[w:Emma Smith|Emma Smith]], the first wife, accept all of [[w:Joseph Smith, Jr.|Joseph Smith]]'s plural wives; ''[[w:Doctrine and Covenants|Doctrine and Covenants]]'', [[s:The_Doctrine_and_Covenants/Section_132|132:1–4, 19, 20, 24, 34, 35, 38, 39, 52, 60–66]].

== Quotes about Jesus ==
[[File:Christianity-Jesus Christ Died for your Sin.jpg|thumb|If the church ... does not make God's liberation of the oppressed central in its mission and proclamation, how can it rest easy with a condemned criminal as the dominant symbol of its message? ~ [[James Cone]]]]
[[File:Mona Haydar and James Hal Cone.jpg|thumb|By becoming poor and entrusting divine revelation to a carpenter from Nazareth, God makes clear where one has to be in order to hear the divine word and experience divine presence. ~ [[James Cone]]]]
[[File:Empress_Zoe_mosaic_Hagia_Sophia.jpg|thumb|In Jesus, God wills to be true God not only in the height but also in the depth — in the depth of human creatureliness, sinfulness and mortality. ~ [[Karl Barth]] ]]
[[File:Rembrandt Jesus and his Disciples.jpg|thumb|As to Jesus of Nazareth, my Opinion of whom you particularly desire, I think the System of Morals and his Religion, as he left them to us, the best the world ever saw or is likely to see; but I apprehend it has received various corrupt changes... ~ [[Benjamin Franklin]] ]]
[[File:A place of worship (2444233066).jpg|thumb|The sublime title &quot;[[wikt:Χριστός|Christ]]&quot; is an adjective which only receives its specific value from the specificity of the noun, Jesus of Nazareth. If Jesus is forgotten, then it becomes possible to fill the adjective with whatever suits at the time, without checking whether Jesus was like that or not, or whether this means leaving the world sunk in its wretchedness or not; or worse still, without asking if this image legitimates the tragedy of the world or brings liberation from it. ~ [[Jon Sobrino]]]]
&lt;small&gt;''Sorted by historical period and date, with sections for quotes from major religious works.''&lt;/small&gt;

=== [[New Testament]] ===
* ὁ λέγων ἐν αὐτῷ μένειν ὀφείλει καθὼς ἐκεῖνος περιεπάτησεν καὶ αὐτὸς οὕτως περιπατεῖν.
** Whoever claims to live in him must live as Jesus did.
*** [[First Epistle of John|1 John]] 2:6 [[New International Version|NIV]]

* For, indeed, while we were still weak, Christ died for ungodly men at the appointed time. For hardly would anyone die for a righteous man; though perhaps for a good man someone may dare to die. But God recommends his own love to us in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.
** [[Paul of Tarsus]], [[Romans]], 5:6-8; New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures (2013 Revision)

====He rose again the third day, 1 Corinthians 15:4====
* After the Sabbath, at dawn on the first day of the week, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went to look at the tomb. There was a violent earthquake, for an angel of the Lord came down from heaven and, going to the tomb, rolled back the stone and sat on it.
* On the first day of the week came Mary Magdalene early, when it was yet dark, unto the sepulcher and saw the stone taken away from the sepulcher.
** ''[[w:The Bible|The Bible]]'' on the discovery of Jesus' absence from the tomb, [[w:Gospel of Matthew|Matthew]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2028:1-2;&amp;version=31; 28:1–2]'s account of the discovery of the tomb (two Mary's arrive at the tomb after sunrise, but before the stone had been removed) versus [[w:Gospel of John|John]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John%2020:1;&amp;version=48; 20:1]'s account (one Mary arrives at the tomb before sunrise, but after the stone had been removed).

* So the women hurried away from the tomb, afraid yet filled with joy, and ran to tell his disciples. Suddenly Jesus met them. &quot;Greetings,&quot; he said. They came to him, clasped his feet and worshiped him.
* Jesus said unto her, &quot;Touch Me not, for I am not yet ascended to My Father …&quot;
** ''[[w:The Bible|The Bible]]'' on the location and events of the resurrected Jesus' first appearance, [[w:Gospel of Matthew|Matthew]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2028:8-9;&amp;version=31; 28:8–9]'s account of the appearance of the resurrected Jesus (Jesus appears away from that tomb, and the Mary's touch his feet; see also [[w:Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%2024:13-15;&amp;version=31; 24:13–15] in which Jesus appears on the road to [[w:Emmaus|Emmaus]], seven miles from [[w:Jerusalem|Jerusalem]]) versus [[w:Gospel of John|John]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John%2020:11-17;&amp;version=48; 20:17]'s account (Jesus appears at the tomb and tells Mary not to touch him).

&lt;table border=&quot;1&quot;&gt;
&lt;tr&gt;
&lt;th colspan=&quot;4&quot;&gt;Holy Bible – the first Easter Sunday morning&lt;/th&gt;
&lt;/tr&gt;
&lt;tr&gt;&lt;td colspan=&quot;4&quot;&gt;&lt;ul&gt;
&lt;li&gt;Regarding The Evidence for the Resurrection, please see [[#AndersonJND1950|Anderson 1950, below]].&lt;/li&gt;
&lt;li&gt;For &quot;Easter Enigma – Are the Resurrection Accounts in Conflict?&quot;, please see [[#WenhamJW2005|Wenham 2005, below]].&lt;/li&gt;
&lt;li&gt;The table lists all the verses, according to the KJV, always in verse order.&lt;/li&gt;
&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/td&gt;&lt;/tr&gt;
&lt;tr&gt;
&lt;th&gt;Matthew&lt;/th&gt;
&lt;th&gt;Mark&lt;/th&gt;
&lt;th&gt;Luke&lt;/th&gt;
&lt;th&gt;John&lt;/th&gt;
&lt;/tr&gt;
&lt;tr&gt;&lt;td&gt;&lt;p&gt;Mt ch28&lt;/p&gt;
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:1&quot;&gt;1&lt;/span&gt; In the end of the sabbath, as it began to dawn toward the first day of the week, came [&quot;went&quot; (NIV)] Mary Magdalene and the other Mary to see the sepulchre.&lt;/p&gt;
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Mk ch16
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mk 16:1&quot;&gt;1&lt;/span&gt; And when the sabbath was past, Mary Magdalene, and Mary the mother of James, and Salome, had bought sweet spices, that they might come and anoint him.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mk 16:2&quot;&gt;2&lt;/span&gt; And very early in the morning the first day of the week, they came [&quot;were on their way&quot; (NIV)] unto the sepulchre at the rising of the sun.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mk 16:3&quot;&gt;3&lt;/span&gt; And they said among themselves, Who shall roll us away the stone from the door of the sepulchre?
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Lk ch24
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Lk 24:1&quot;&gt;1&lt;/span&gt; Now upon the first day of the week, very early in the morning, they came [&quot;went&quot; (NIV)] unto the sepulchre, bringing the spices which they had prepared, and certain others with them.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Jn ch20
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:1&quot;&gt;1&lt;/span&gt; The first day of the week cometh [&quot;went&quot; (NKJV, NIV, Wenham 2005 pp81f)] Mary Magdalene early, when it was yet dark, unto the sepulchre,
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;/tr&gt;

&lt;tr&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Mt ch28
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:2&quot;&gt;2&lt;/span&gt; And, behold, there was [&quot;had been&quot; (KJV margin, Wenham 2005 p78)] a great earthquake: for the angel of the Lord [&quot;had&quot; (Wenham 2005 p78)] descended from heaven, and came [&quot;had come&quot; (Wenham 2005 p78)] and rolled back the stone from the door, and sat upon it.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:3&quot;&gt;3&lt;/span&gt; His countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow:
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:4&quot;&gt;4&lt;/span&gt; And for fear of him the keepers did shake, and became [&quot;had trembled and become&quot; (Wenham 2005 p78)] as dead men.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;/tr&gt;

&lt;tr&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Mk ch16
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mk 16:4&quot;&gt;4&lt;/span&gt; And when they looked, they saw that the stone was rolled away: for it was very great.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Lk ch24
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Lk 24:2&quot;&gt;2&lt;/span&gt; And they found the stone rolled away from the sepulchre.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Jn ch20
&lt;p&gt;and seeth the stone taken away from the sepulchre.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:2&quot;&gt;2&lt;/span&gt; Then she runneth, and cometh to Simon Peter, and to the other disciple, whom Jesus loved, and saith unto them, They have taken away the Lord out of the sepulchre, and we know not where they have laid him.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;/tr&gt;

&lt;tr&gt;&lt;td colspan=&quot;4&quot;&gt;&lt;ul&gt;.


&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/td&gt;&lt;/tr&gt;

&lt;tr&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Mt ch28
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:5&quot;&gt;5&lt;/span&gt; And the angel answered and said unto the women, Fear not ye: for I know that ye seek Jesus, which was crucified.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:6&quot;&gt;6&lt;/span&gt; He is not here: for he is risen, as he said. Come, see the place where the Lord lay.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:7&quot;&gt;7&lt;/span&gt; And go quickly, and tell his disciples that he is risen from the dead; and, behold, he goeth before you into Galilee; there shall ye see him: lo, I have told you.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:8&quot;&gt;8&lt;/span&gt; And they departed quickly from the sepulchre with fear and great joy; and did run to bring his disciples word.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Mk ch16
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mk 16:5&quot;&gt;5&lt;/span&gt; And entering into the sepulchre, they saw a young man sitting on the right side, clothed in a long white garment; and they were affrighted.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mk 16:6&quot;&gt;6&lt;/span&gt; And he saith unto them, Be not affrighted: Ye seek Jesus of Nazareth, which was crucified: he is risen; he is not here: behold the place where they laid him.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mk 16:7&quot;&gt;7&lt;/span&gt; But go your way, tell his disciples and Peter that he goeth before you into Galilee: there shall ye see him, as he said unto you.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mk 16:8&quot;&gt;8&lt;/span&gt; And they went out quickly, and fled from the sepulchre; for they trembled and were amazed: neither said they any thing to any man; for they were afraid.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Lk ch24
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Lk 24:3&quot;&gt;3&lt;/span&gt; And they entered in, and found not the body of the Lord Jesus.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Lk 24:4&quot;&gt;4&lt;/span&gt; And it came to pass, as they were much perplexed thereabout, behold, two men [&quot;angels&quot; (Luke 24:23)] stood by [&quot;[or] appear[ed] to&quot; (Wenham 2005 p85)] them in shining garments:
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Lk 24:5&quot;&gt;5&lt;/span&gt; And as they were afraid, and bowed down their faces to the earth, they said unto them, Why seek ye the living among the dead?
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Lk 24:6&quot;&gt;6&lt;/span&gt; He is not here, but is risen: remember how he spake unto you when he was yet in Galilee,
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Lk 24:7&quot;&gt;7&lt;/span&gt; Saying, The Son of man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men, and be crucified, and the third day rise again.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Lk 24:8&quot;&gt;8&lt;/span&gt; And they remembered his words,
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;/tr&gt;

&lt;tr&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Jn ch20
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:3&quot;&gt;3&lt;/span&gt; Peter therefore went forth, and that other disciple, and came to the sepulchre.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:4&quot;&gt;4&lt;/span&gt; So they ran both together: and the other disciple did outrun Peter, and came first to the sepulchre.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:5&quot;&gt;5&lt;/span&gt; And he stooping down, and looking in, saw the linen clothes lying; yet went he not in.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:6&quot;&gt;6&lt;/span&gt; Then cometh Simon Peter following him, and went into the sepulchre, and seeth the linen clothes lie,
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:7&quot;&gt;7&lt;/span&gt; And the napkin, that was about his head, not lying with the linen clothes, but wrapped together in a place by itself.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:8&quot;&gt;8&lt;/span&gt; Then went in also that other disciple, which came first to the sepulchre, and he saw, and believed.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:9&quot;&gt;9&lt;/span&gt; For as yet they knew not the scripture, that he must rise again from the dead.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:10&quot;&gt;10&lt;/span&gt; Then the disciples went away again unto their own home.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;/tr&gt;

&lt;tr&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Mk ch16
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mk 16:9&quot;&gt;9&lt;/span&gt; Now when Jesus was risen early the first day of the week, he appeared first to Mary Magdalene, out of whom he had cast seven devils.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Jn ch20
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:11&quot;&gt;11&lt;/span&gt; But Mary stood without at the sepulchre weeping: and as she wept, she stooped down, and looked into the sepulchre,
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:12&quot;&gt;12&lt;/span&gt; And seeth two angels in white sitting, the one at the head, and the other at the feet, where the body of Jesus had lain.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:13&quot;&gt;13&lt;/span&gt; And they say unto her, Woman, why weepest thou? She saith unto them, Because they have taken away my Lord, and I know not where they have laid him.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:14&quot;&gt;14&lt;/span&gt; And when she had thus said, she turned herself back, and saw Jesus standing, and knew not that it was Jesus.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:15&quot;&gt;15&lt;/span&gt; Jesus saith unto her, Woman, why weepest thou? whom seekest thou? She, supposing him to be the gardener, saith unto him, Sir, if thou have borne him hence, tell me where thou hast laid him, and I will take him away.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:16&quot;&gt;16&lt;/span&gt; Jesus saith unto her, Mary. She turned herself, and saith unto him, Rabboni; which is to say, Master.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:17&quot;&gt;17&lt;/span&gt; Jesus saith unto her, Touch me not; for I am not yet ascended to my Father: but go to my brethren, and say unto them, I ascend unto my Father, and your Father; and to my God, and your God.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;/tr&gt;

&lt;tr&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Mt ch28
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:9&quot;&gt;9&lt;/span&gt; And as they went to tell his disciples, behold, Jesus met them, saying, All hail. And they came and held him by the feet, and worshipped him.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:10&quot;&gt;10&lt;/span&gt; Then said Jesus unto them, Be not afraid: go tell my brethren that they go into Galilee, and there shall they see me.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;/tr&gt;

&lt;tr&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Mk ch16
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mk 16:10&quot;&gt;10&lt;/span&gt; And she went and told them that had been with him, as they mourned and wept.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mk 16:11&quot;&gt;11&lt;/span&gt; And they, when they had heard that he was alive, and had been seen of her, believed not.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Lk ch24
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Lk 24:9&quot;&gt;9&lt;/span&gt; And returned from the sepulchre, and told all these things unto the eleven, and to all the rest.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Lk 24:10&quot;&gt;10&lt;/span&gt; It was Mary Magdalene and Joanna, and Mary the mother of James, and other women that were with them, which told these things unto the apostles.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Lk 24:11&quot;&gt;11&lt;/span&gt; And their words seemed to them as idle tales, and they believed them not.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Jn ch20
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:18&quot;&gt;18&lt;/span&gt; Mary Magdalene came and told the disciples that she had seen the Lord, and that he had spoken these things unto her.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;/tr&gt;

&lt;tr&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Mt ch28
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:11&quot;&gt;11&lt;/span&gt; Now when they were going, behold, some of the watch came into the city, and shewed unto the chief priests all the things that were done.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:12&quot;&gt;12&lt;/span&gt; And when they were assembled with the elders, and had taken counsel, they gave large money unto the soldiers,
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:13&quot;&gt;13&lt;/span&gt; Saying, Say ye, His disciples came by night, and stole him away while we slept.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:14&quot;&gt;14&lt;/span&gt; And if this come to the governor's ears, we will persuade him, and secure you.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:15&quot;&gt;15&lt;/span&gt; So they took the money, and did as they were taught: and this saying is commonly reported among the Jews until this day.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;/tr&gt;

&lt;tr&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Lk ch24
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Lk 24:12&quot;&gt;12&lt;/span&gt; Then arose Peter, and ran unto the sepulchre; and stooping down, he beheld the linen clothes laid by themselves, and departed, wondering in himself at that which was come to pass.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;/tr&gt;
&lt;/table&gt;

====Sources====
*I indeed baptize you with water unto repentance: but he that cometh after me is mightier than I, whose shoes I am not worthy to bear: he shall baptize you with the Holy Ghost, and with fire: Whose fan is in his hand, and he will throughly purge his floor, and gather his wheat into the garner; but he will burn up the chaff with unquenchable fire.
**[[w;John the Baptist|John the Baptist]] [[w:Gospel of Matthew|Gospel of Matthew]] [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 3:11-12] King James Version.

*In this was manifested the love of God toward us, because that God sent his only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through him. Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins.
**John, [[w:First Epistle of John|1 John]][http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=5357535 4:9–10] King James Version.

*Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that ye should follow his steps: Who did no sin, neither was guile found in his mouth: Who, when he was reviled, reviled not again; when he suffered, he threatened not; but committed himself to him that judgeth righteously: Who his own self bare our sins in his own body on the tree, that we, being dead to sins, should live unto righteousness: by whose stripes ye were healed.
**[[w:Saint Peter|Peter]], [[w:First Epistle of Peter|1 Peter]][http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=5332719 2:22–24] King James Version.

* If you are insulted because of the name of Christ, you are blessed, for the Spirit of glory and of God rests on you.
** [[w:Saint Peter|Peter]], [[w:First Epistle of Peter|1 Peter]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20Peter%204:14;&amp;version=31; 4:14]

* For he must rule as [[king]] until [[God]] has put all enemies under his feet. And the last enemy, [[death]], is to be brought to nothing.
** [[Paul of Tarsus]], 1 Corinthians [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/1-corinthians/15/ 15: 25-26], [[NWT]]

* Worship God! For the testimony of Jesus is the spirit of prophecy. &lt;br/&gt; Now I saw heaven opened, and behold, a white horse. And He who sat on him was called Faithful and True, and in righteousness He judges and makes war. &lt;br/&gt; His eyes were like a flame of fire, and on His head were many crowns. He had a name written that no one knew except Himself. &lt;br/&gt; He was clothed with a robe dipped in blood, and His name is called The Word of God. … &lt;br/&gt; Now out of His mouth goes a sharp sword, that with it He should strike the nations. And He Himself will rule them with a rod of iron. He Himself treads the winepress of the fierceness and wrath of Almighty God. &lt;br/&gt; And He has on His robe and on His thigh a name written: &lt;blockquote&gt;KING OF KINGS AND LORD OF LORDS.&lt;/blockquote&gt; Then I saw an angel standing in the sun; and he cried with a loud voice, saying to all the birds that fly in the midst of heaven, “Come and gather together for the supper of the great God, &lt;br/&gt; that you may eat the flesh of kings, the flesh of captains, the flesh of mighty men, the flesh of horses and of those who sit on them, and the flesh of all people, free and slave, both small and great.” &lt;br/&gt; And I saw the beast, the kings of the earth, and their armies, gathered together to make war against Him who sat on the horse and against His army. &lt;br/&gt; Then the beast was captured, and with him the false prophet who worked signs in his presence, by which he deceived those who received the mark of the beast and those who worshiped his image. These two were cast alive into the lake of fire burning with brimstone. &lt;br/&gt; And the rest were killed with the sword which proceeded from the mouth of Him who sat on the horse. And all the birds were filled with their flesh.
** ''[[w:The Bible|The Bible]]'', [[w:Book of Revelation|Revelation]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Revelation%2019:10-21;&amp;version=9; 19:10–21] (NKJV) This passage has been interpreted by some as referring to the [[w:Second Coming|Second Coming]] of [[w:Jesus|Jesus Christ]], and by others as not actually referring to Jesus, but some herald of the ultimate triumph of [[w:Christ|Christ]].

=== Josephus ===
* Now there was about this time Jesus, a wise man, if it be lawful to call him a man; for he was a doer of wonderful works, a teacher of such men as receive the truth with pleasure. He drew over to him both many of the Jews and many of the Gentiles. He was [the] Christ. And when Pilate, at the suggestion of the principal men amongst us, had condemned him to the cross, those that loved him at the first did not forsake him; for he appeared to them alive again the third day; as the divine prophets had foretold these and ten thousand other wonderful things concerning him. And the tribe of Christians, so named from him, are not extinct at this day.
** [[w:Josephus|Titus Flavius Josephus]], ''[[w:Antiquities of the Jews|Antiquities of the Jews]]'' (c. 93–94 AD), [http://en.wikisource.org/wiki/The_Antiquities_of_the_Jews/Book_XVIII#Chapter_3 Book 18, Chapter 3, 3]. See also [[w:Josephus on Jesus|Josephus on Jesus]] at Wikipedia.

=== The Apostles' Creed ===

{|
| I believe in God the Father Almighty, ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 Corinthians#8:6|1 Corinthians 8:6]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Revelation#1:8|Revelation 1:8]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Isaiah#44:6|Isaiah 44:6]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/2 Corinthians#6:18|2 Corinthians 6:18]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Ephesians#4:6|Ephesians 4:6]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Revelation#19:6|Revelation 19:6]];
|-
| Maker of heaven and earth: ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#1:1|John 1:1-3]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Genesis#1:1|Genesis 1:1-3]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#14:15|Acts 14:15]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#17:24|Acts 17:24-26]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Hebrews#11:3|Hebrews 11:3]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Nehemiah#9:6|Nehemiah 9:6]];
|-
| And in Jesus Christ his only Son our Lord, ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#20:28|John 20:28]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#3:16|John 3:16]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#1:18|John 1:18]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 John#4:9|1 John 4:9]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#10:30|John 10:30,36-38]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#4:10|Acts 4:10-12]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Colossians#1:15|Colossians 1:15-19]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Colossians#2:3|Colossians 2:3,9]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Proverbs#30:4|Proverbs 30:4]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Luke#2:11|Luke 2:11]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 Corinthians#8:6|1 Corinthians 8:6]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/2 Peter#1:16|2 Peter 1:16-18]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Romans#8:31|Romans 8:31-34]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Romans#9:5|Romans 9:5]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Matthew#28:18|Matthew 28:18-19]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 Timothy#3:16|1 Timothy 3:16]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Matthew#4:14|Matthew 4:14-16]];
|-
| Who was conceived by the Holy Ghost, ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Matthew#1:18|Matthew 1:18-20]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Luke#1:35|Luke 1:35]];
|-
| Born of the Virgin Mary, ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Luke#1:27|Luke 1:27,34]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Matthew#1:23|Matthew 1:23]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Matthew#2:4|Matthew 2:4-6]];
|-
| Suffered under Pontius Pilate, ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Luke#3:1|Luke 3:1,2]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Luke#23:13|Luke 23:13-25,32-34,44-46]];
|-
| Was crucified, dead, and buried: ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#4:10|Acts 4:10]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Isaiah#53:4|Isaiah 53:4-9]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#19:20|John 19:20]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Luke#23:52|Luke 23:52-53]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Revelation#5:12|Revelation 5:12,13]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Matthew#27:35|Matthew 27:35]];
|-
| He descended into hell; ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 Peter#3:18|1 Peter 3:18-19]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Revelation#1:18|Revelation 1:18]];
|-
| The third day he rose again from the dead; ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 Corinthians#15:1|1 Corinthians 15:1-8,12-14,19-20]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#2:21|Acts 2:21,22,27-32]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Matthew#28:1|Matthew 28:1-9]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Mark#16:4|Mark 16:4-6]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Luke#24:44|Luke 24:44-47]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#20:1|John 20:1,12-17]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Romans#1:2|Romans 1:2-4]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Matthew#11:4|Matthew 11:4-6]];
|-
| He ascended into heaven, ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#1:9|Acts 1:9-11]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Luke#24:49|Luke 24:49-51]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#20:17|John 20:17]];
|-
| And sitteth on the right hand of God the Father Almighty; ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Hebrews#12:2|Hebrews 12:2]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Hebrews#1:1|Hebrews 1:1-6]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Mark#16:19|Mark 16:19]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Hebrews#9:24|Hebrews 9:24]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Hebrews#10:12|Hebrews 10:12-13]];
|-
| From thence he shall come to judge the quick and the dead. ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#10:42|Acts 10:42]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/2 Timothy#4:1|2 Timothy 4:1]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 Thessalonians#4:15|1 Thessalonians 4:15-18]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/2 Peter#3:8|2 Peter 3:8-13]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Revelation#20:11|Revelation 20:11-14]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Matthew#24:27|Matthew 24:27,36]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Matthew#25:31|Matthew 25:31-34,41,46]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#5:22|John 5:22]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#14:1|John 14:1,3]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/2 Thessalonians#1:7|2 Thessalonians 1:7-10]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#17:30|Acts 17:30,31]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Hebrews#9:27|Hebrews 9:27]];
|-
| I believe in the Holy Ghost; ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Ephesians#4:30|Ephesians 4:30-32]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#15:26|John 15:26]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#16:7|John 16:7-15]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#1:8|Acts 1:8-9]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#13:2|Acts 13:2]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 Corinthians#6:19|1 Corinthians 6:19-20]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Galatians#5:22|Galatians 5:22-25]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#2:16|Acts 2:16-21]];
|-
| The holy Catholic Church; &lt;!--- 2019-01-07  I've removed the k from the archaic word Catholick because somebody else had removed the k here at this wikiquote webpage. ---&gt; ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Ephesians#2:18|Ephesians 2:18-22]];
|-
| The Communion of Saints; ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Galatians#6:2|Galatians 6:2,10]];
|-
| The Forgiveness of sins; ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#13:38|Acts 13:38]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 John#1:8|1 John 1:8 - 2:2]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 Timothy#1:15|1 Timothy 1:15]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Matthew#26:26|Matthew 26:26-28]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Luke#7:48|Luke 7:48]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#10:43|Acts 10:43]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Romans#3:23|Romans 3:23]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Romans#4:5|Romans 4:5]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Romans#5:6|Romans 5:6-10]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Romans#10:4|Romans 10:4-13]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 John#4:9|1 John 4:9-10]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Ephesians#1:7|Ephesians 1:7]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#1:29|John 1:29]];
|-
| The Resurrection of the body, ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 Corinthians#15:42|1 Corinthians 15:42-44,50-54]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Philippians#3:20|Philippians 3:20-21]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Job#19:25|Job 19:25-27]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 Thessalonians#4:16|1 Thessalonians 4:16-17]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#5:28|John 5:28-29]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#6:39|John 6:39-40,44]];
|-
| And the Life everlasting. ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#3:14|John 3:14-16]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#10:10|John 10:10]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#11:25|John 11:25]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#17:2|John 17:2-3]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 Peter#1:3|1 Peter 1:3-5]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 John#5:11|1 John 5:11-13]]
|}

Text of the Apostles' Creed from page 10 of the [https://archive.org/details/bookofcommonpray00lond Book of Common Prayer] from [http://www.archive.org www.archive.org]. Scripture references are KJV&amp;mdash;some from Bunyan's Pilgrim's Progress and [http://www.godonthe.net/evidence/apostle.htm www.godonthe.net/evidence/apostle.htm] and [http://www.baptistboard.com/archive/index.php/t-28938.html www.baptistboard.com/archive/index.php/t-28938.html] and [http://www.archive.org/details/shortexpositiono00luth Evangelical Lutheran synod of Missouri, Ohio and other states (1905), &quot;A Short Exposition of Dr Martin Luther's Small Catechism&quot;, Concordia] available from [http://www.archive.org www.archive.org].

=== [[Ignatius of Antioch]] ===
* ... our Lord Jesus Christ ... that He was ... the Son of God according to the will and power of God; that He was truly born of a virgin ... and was truly, under Pontius Pilate and Herod the tetrarch, nailed [to the cross] for us in His flesh.... [Chapter 3] And after his resurrection He did eat and drink with [those who were with Peter], as being possessed of flesh, although spiritually He was united to the Father.
** [[s:Author:Ignatius of Antioch|''Epistle of Ignatius to the Smyrnaeans,'' chapter 1, 3, shorter version (longer version is similar here). At page 86f of ANF1, that is, Roberts A, Donaldson J and Coxe AC (1885) ''Ante-Nicene Fathers, Vol 1''.]] [c 110 AD.]

=== Pliny the Younger, Governor of Bithynia ===
* Meanwhile, with those who have been brought before me as Christians I have pursued the following course. I have asked them if they were Christians, and if they have confessed, I have asked them a second and third time, threatening them with punishment; if they have persisted, I have commanded them to be led away to punishment.... Moreover, they affirmed that this was the sum of their guilt or error; that they had been accustomed to come together on a fixed day before daylight and to sing responsively a song unto Christ as God; and to bind themselves with an oath, not with a view to the commission of some crime, but, on the contrary, that they would not commit theft, nor robbery, nor adultery, that they would not break faith, nor refuse to restore a deposit when asked for it.... For the contagion of this superstition has permeated not only the cities, but also the villages and even the country districts. Yet it can apparently be arrested and corrected. At any rate, it is certainly a fact that the [pagan] temples, which were almost deserted, are now beginning to be frequented....
** [[w:Pliny the Younger on Christians|Pliny the Younger, Governor of Bithynia]], c112AD, (Pliny, Epp, X, 96)

=== [[Polycarp]] ===
* ... our Lord Jesus Christ, who for our sins suffered even unto death, [but] &quot;whom God raised from the dead, having loosed the bands of the grave&quot; [Acts 2:24]. &quot;In whom, though now ye see Him not, ye believe...&quot; [1 Pet 1:8].... He comes as the Judge of the living and the dead.
** [[s:Author:Polycarp|''Epistle of Polycarp to the Philippians,'' chapters 1 and 2. At page 33 of ANF1, that is, Roberts A, Donaldson J and Coxe AC (1885) ''Ante-Nicene Fathers, Vol 1''.]] [Perhaps about 150 AD.]

=== [[Justin Martyr]] ===
*But Sunday is the day on which we all hold our common assembly, because ... Jesus Christ our Saviour on the same day rose from the dead. For He was crucified on the day before that of Saturn (Saturday); and on the day after that of Saturn, which is the day of the Sun, having appeared to His apostles and disciples, He taught them these things, which we have submitted to you also for your consideration. 
** [[s:Ante-Nicene_Fathers/Volume_I/The_First_Apology|''The first apology of Justin,'' chapter LXVII. c156AD. In ANF1, that is, Roberts A, Donaldson J and Coxe AC (1885) ''Ante-Nicene Fathers, Vol 1''.]]

=== [[Irenaeus]] ===
* The Church, though dispersed throughout the whole world, even to the ends of the earth, has received from the apostles and their disciples this faith: [She believes] in ... God, the Father Almighty, ... and in ... Christ Jesus, our Lord, and God, and Saviour, and King, according to the will of the invisible Father ... and that He should execute just judgment towards all....
** [[s:Author:Irenaeus|''Irenaeus Against Heresies,'' book 1: chapter 10: paragraph 1 (1:10:1). At page 330 of ANF1, that is, Roberts A, Donaldson J and Coxe AC (1885) ''Ante-Nicene Fathers, Vol 1''.]] [c 185 AD.] [The Nicene Creed, effectively. Cf 3:4:2 p417. Cf 5:20:1 p548.]

=== The [[w:Gospel of Mary|Gospel of Mary]] ===

* He questioned them about the Saviour: Did He really speak privately with a woman and not openly to us? Are we to turn about and all listen to her? Did He prefer her to us? &lt;br /&gt; Then Mary wept and said to Peter, My brother Peter, what do you think? Do you think that I have thought this up myself in my heart, or that I am lying about the Saviour? &lt;br /&gt; Levi answered and said to Peter, Peter you have always been hot tempered. &lt;br /&gt; Now I see you contending against the woman like the adversaries. &lt;br /&gt; But if the Saviour made her worthy, who are you indeed to reject her? Surely the Saviour knows her very well. &lt;br /&gt; That is why He loved her more than us. Rather let us be ashamed and put on the perfect Man, and separate as He commanded us and preach the gospel, not laying down any other rule or other law beyond what the Saviour said. &lt;br /&gt; And when they heard this they began to go forth to proclaim and to preach.
** Mary 9:4–10

===Acts of Pilate, or The Gospel of Nicodemus===
* The elders of the Jews answered and said unto Jesus: What shall we see? Firstly, that thou wast born of fornication; secondly, that thy birth in Bethlehem was the cause of the slaying of children; thirdly, that thy father Joseph and thy mother Mary fled into Egypt because they had no confidence before the people.
** [[w:Acts of Pilate|Acts of Pilate]], or [http://www.earlychristianwritings.com/text/gospelnicodemus.html The Gospel of Nicodemus] (ca. 150–255)

===The Talmud===

====Babylonian Talmud====

* Yeshua's [Jesus's] mother was Miriam [Mary]... This is as they say about her in the [[w:Pumbedita|Pumbeditha]]: This one strayed from [was unfaithful to] her husband... He is guilty as a beguiler who says, &quot;I will worship (other gods),&quot;… In the case of any one who is liable to death penalties enjoined in the Law, it is not proper to lie in wait for him except he be a beguiler... [as] they did to Ben Stada [Jesus] whom they hanged on the eve of the Passover... The husband of his [Jesus'] mother was called Stada [Joseph ben Stada], and her seducer [[w:Pandera|Pandera]] [a Roman name].
** ''[[w:The Talmud|The Talmud]]'', [[w:Mishnah|Mishnah]] 27:15, &quot;Offenders Liable to Capital Punishment: The Beguiler to Idolatry&quot; (ca. 200). Peter Schäfer in ''Jesus in the Talmud'' (Princeton, 2007) explains: &quot;if the [Babylonian Talmud] takes it for granted that [Jesus's] mother was an adulteress, then the logical conclusion follows that we was a ''[[w:mamzer|mamzer]]'', a bastard or illegitimate child&quot;.

====Palestinian Talmud====

===Early Middle Ages===

* And the Son of God died; it is by all means to be believed, because it is absurd. And he was buried and rose again; the fact is certain because it is impossible.
** [[Tertullian]] (150–225), ''De Carne Christi''. (This is actually a famous paraphrased translation, based upon separate statements of Tertullian).

* … the Son of God died; it is by all means to be believed, because it is absurd.
** [http://www.tertullian.org/articles/evans_carn/evans_carn_03latin.htm Original Latin]: ''et mortuus est dei filius: prorsus credibile est, quia ineptum est.''
** [[w:Tertullian|Tertullian]], ''[[w:De Carne Christi|De Carne Christi]]'' (5), (ca. 155–230). See also [[w:Fideism|Fideism]] and ''[[w:Credo quia absurdum|Credo quia absurdum]].

* Josephus &amp;hellip; in seeking after the cause of the fall of Jerusalem and the destruction of the temple &amp;hellip; ought to have said that the conspiracy against Jesus was the cause of these calamities befalling the people, since they put to death Christ.
** [[w:Origen|Origen]] (''c.'' 185–''c.'' 254), ''Origin Against Celus'', Book I, Chapter XLVII

* This, I shall say, is He, ''the son of the carpenter or the whore'', the destroyer of the ''Sabbath'', the ''Samaritan'' and Who ''had a devil''. This is He, Whom ye bought of Judas: this is He, Who was smitten with a reed and with bufferings, dishonoured with spittings, drugged with gall and vinegar. This is He, Whom the disciples stole secretly away, that it might be said that He had risen again[.]
** [[w:Tertullian|Tertullian]], ''[[w:De spectaculis|De spectaculis]]'' (ca. 197–202)

* Jesus reveals the law to us when he reveals to us the secrets of the law. For we who are of the catholic Church, we do not spurn the law of Moses but accept it, so long as it is Jesus who reads it to us. Indeed, we can only possess a correct understanding of the Law when he reads it to us, and we are able to receive his sense and understanding.
** [[w:Origen|Origen]] (''c.'' 185–''c.'' 254), in R. B. Tollington, trans., ''Selections from the Commentaries and Homilies of Origen, London, 1929, p. 54

* ‘If,’ said he, ‘the Father begat the Son, he that was begotten had a beginning of existence: and from this it is evident, that there was a time when the Son was not. It therefore necessarily follows, that he had his substance from nothing.’
** [[w:Arius|Arius of Alexandria]], (ca250/256–336) on the [[w:Arianism|Arian heresy]] [http://www.sacred-texts.com/chr/ecf/202/2020014.htm]

* How can we admit that the divine became an embryo, and that after its birth, it was wrapped in swaddling clothes, covered with blood, bile, and even worse things?
** [[w:Porphyry (philosopher)|Porphyry of Tyre]] (''c.'' 233–''c.'' 309 CE), ''Porphyry Against the Christians: The Literary Remains'' (Guildford 1994), expressing the [[w:Neoplatonic|Neoplatonist]]'s skepticism about Jesus' divinity

* Every prophet, every ancient writer, every revolution of the state, every law, every ceremony of the old covenant points only to Christ, announces only him, represents only him.
** [[w:Eusebius of Caesarea|Eusebius of Caesarea]] (''c.'' 263–339?), ''Demonstratio'' Evangelium, 4: 15 in J. P. Migne, ed., ''Patrologia Graeca'', Paris, 1857–66, vol. 22, p. 296

* [T]he Jewish people were driven by their drunkenness and plumpness to the ultimate evil; they kicked about, they failed to accept the yoke of Christ, nor did they pull the plow of his teaching. Another prophet hinted at this when he said: &quot;Israel is as obstinate as a stubborn heifer.&quot; … Although such beasts are unfit for work, they are fit for killing. And this is what happened to the Jews: while they were making themselves unfit for work, they grew fit for slaughter. This is why Christ said: &quot;But as for these my enemies, who did not want me to be king over them, bring them here and slay them.&quot; ([[w:Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [[s:Bible, King James, Luke#Chapter 19|19:27]])
** [[w:Saint John Chrysostom|Saint John Chrysostom]] (349–ca. 407) in Κατά Ιουδαίων [''Adversus Judaeos'' or ''Against the Jews'' or ''Against Judaizing Christians''] as translated in [http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/source/chrysostom-jews6.html ''Eight Homilies Against the Jews''], Homily 1. Many Christians have since condemned Chrysostom's [[w:Rhetoric|rhetoric]] against Jewish traditions, and its later use for antisemitic campaigns, specifically those of Nazi Germany; Rev. [[w:Richard John Neuhaus|Richard John Neuhaus]] explains that &quot;John Chrysostom in fourth-century Constantinople should not be held responsible for the misrepresentation of his writings by Nazis in twentieth-century Germany&quot; (''First Things'', [http://www.firstthings.com/article.php3?id_article=3939 November 1996]).

* The heathen ... begins to praise Christ, not in order to do him honor, but to make you despair. It is the deadly cunning of the serpent, to turn you away from Christ by praising Christ, to extol deceitfully the one he doesn’t dare to disparage. He exaggerates the sovereign majesty of Christ in order to make him out quite unique, to stop you hoping for anything like what was demonstrated in his rising.
** [[Augustine of Hippo]], “How to answer their exaggerated praise of Christ and their disparaging of Christians,” Sermon 361:15

===The [[Qur'an]] and the [[Hadith]]===
[[File:Harhab mini.JPG|thumb|[[w:The Dome of the Rock|The Dome of the Rock]] ({{lang|ar|مسجد قبة الصخرة|rtl}}) in Jerusalem (built 692 CE) which contains inscriptions that proclaim God's uniqueness and deny that He has any son or requires any assistance.]]
:&lt;small&gt;This section contains quotes about Isa (Jesus) that occur in the [[w:Qur'an|Qur'an]] and the [[w:Hadith|Hadith]].&lt;/small&gt;

====The Qur'an====
:&lt;small&gt;[[Wikisource:Qur'an|Qur'an]] in Wikisouce&lt;/small&gt;


[[File:Quran.jpg|thumb|In blasphemy indeed are those that say that God is Christ the son of Mary. Say: Who then hath the least power against God, if He wished to destroy Christ the son of Mary, his mother, and all those on the earth? ~ [[Qur'an]]]]

* Surah ii. 81: &quot;Moreover, to Moses gave we 'the Book,' and we raised up apostles after him; and to Jesus, son of Mary, gave we clear proofs of his mission and strengthened him by the Holy Spirit. So oft then as an apostle cometh to you with that which your souls desire not, swell ye with pride, and treat some as imposters, and slay others?&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Surah ii. 254: &quot;Some of the apostles we have endowed more highly than others: Those to whom God hath spoken. He hath raised to the loftiest grade, and to Jesus, son of Mary we gave manifest signs, and we strengthened him with the Holy Spirit. And if God had pleased, they who came after them would not have wrangled, after the clear signs had reached them. But into disputes they fell; some of them believed, and some were infidels; yet if God had pleased, they would not have thus wrangled; but God doth what he will.&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Surah iii. 37-42: &quot;And remember when the angels said, 'O Mary! Verily hath God chosen thee, and purified thee, and chosen thee above the women of the worlds! O Mary! Be devout towards thy Lord, and prostrate thyself and bow down with those who bow.' This is one of the announcements of things unseen by thee: To thee, O Muhammad! do we reveal it; for thou wast not with them when they cast lots with reeds which of them should rear Mary: nor wast thou with them when they disputed about it. Remember when the angel said, &quot;O mary! Verily God annnounceth to thee the Word from Him: His name shall be Messiah Jesus the son of Mary, illustrious in this world, and in the next, and one of those who have near access to God; and he shall speak to mean alike when in the cradle and when grown up; and he shall be one of the just.' She said, 'How, O my Lord? Shall I have a son, when man hath not touched me?' He said, 'Thus: God will create what He will; when He decreeth a thing He only saith, &quot;Be,&quot; and it is.' And He will teach him the Book, and the Wisdom, and the Law, and the Evangel; and he shall be an apostle to the children of Israel.&quot; 
** Quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Surah iii. 44: &quot;And I have come to attest the law which was before me; and to allow you part of that which had been forbidden you; and I come to you with a sign from your Lord; Fear God, then, and obey me; of a truth God is my Lord, and your Lord: Therefore worship Him. This is a right way.&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* And he will speak to the people when in the cradle and when of old age, and (he will be) one of the good ones.
** Qur'an 3:46

* She said: My Lord! How can I have a child when no mortal hath touched me? He said: So (it will be). Allah createth what He will. If He decreeth a thing, He saith unto it only: Be! and it is. &lt;br /&gt; And He will teach him the Scripture and wisdom, and the Torah and the Gospel, &lt;br /&gt; And will make him a messenger unto the Children of Israel, (saying): Lo! I come unto you with a sign from your Lord. Lo! I fashion for you out of clay the likeness of a bird, and I breathe into it and it is a bird, by Allah's leave. I heal him who was born blind, and the leper, and I raise the dead, by Allah's leave. And I announce unto you what ye eat and what ye store up in your houses. Lo! herein verily is a portent for you, if ye are to be believers. &lt;br /&gt; And (I come) confirming that which was before me of the Torah, and to make lawful some of that which was forbidden unto you. I come unto you with a sign from your Lord, so keep your duty to Allah and obey me.
** The [[Quran]] [http://skepticsannotatedbible.com/quran/3/index.htm Sura 3:47-50] as translated by [[w:Marmaduke Pickthall|Marmaduke Pickthall]] in ''[[w:The Meaning of the Glorious Koran|The Meaning of the Glorious Koran]]'' (1930)

* Surah iii. 51, 52: &quot;These signs, and this wise warning do we rehearse to thee. Verily, Jesus is as Adam in the sight of God. He created Him of dust: He then said to him, 'Be,' - and he was.&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* And when Allah said: O Isa, [Jesus] I am going to terminate the period of your stay (on earth) and cause you to ascend unto Me and purify you of those who disbelieve and make those who follow you above those who disbelieve to the day of resurrection; then to Me shall be your return, so l will decide between you concerning that in which you differed.
** [[s:ar:أَلْقُرآن أَلْكَرِيم|Original]]: {{lang|ar|إِذْ قَالَ اللّهُ يَا عِيسَى إِنِّي مُتَوَفِّيكَ وَرَافِعُكَإِلَيَّ وَمُطَهِّرُكَ مِنَ الَّذِينَ كَفَرُواْ وَجَاعِلُ الَّذِينَ اتَّبَعُوكَفَوْقَ الَّذِينَ كَفَرُواْ إِلَى يَوْمِ الْقِيَامَةِ ثُمَّ إِلَيَّ مَرْجِعُكُمْفَأَحْكُمُ بَيْنَكُمْ فِيمَا كُنتُمْ فِيهِ تَخْتَلِفُونَ|rtl}}
** The [[Qur'an]], [http://www.hti.umich.edu/cgi/k/koran/koran-idx?type=DIV0&amp;byte=72808 Sura 3:55] ([[w:Al Imran|The Family of Amram]], {{lang|ar|سورة آل عمران}})

* Surah iii. 72, 73: &quot;And some truly are there among them who torture the Scriptures with they tongues, in order that ye may suppose it to be from the Scripture, yet it is not from the Scripture. And they say, 'This is from God'; yet it is not from God; and they utter s lie against God, and they know they do so. It beseemeth not a man, that God should give his the Scriptures and the Wisdom, and the gift of prophecy, and that then he should say to his followers, 'Be ye worshipers of me, as well as of God'; but rather, 'Be ye perfect in things pertaining to God, since ye know the Scriptures, and have studied deep.'&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Then because of their breaking of their covenant, and their disbelieving in the revelations of Allah, and their slaying of the prophets wrongfully, and their saying: Our hearts are hardened — Nay, but Allah set a seal upon them for their disbelief, so that they believe not save a few — &lt;br /&gt; And because of their disbelief and of their speaking against Mary a tremendous calumny; &lt;br /&gt; And because of their saying: We slew the Messiah, Jesus son of Mary, Allah's messenger — they slew him not nor crucified him, but it appeared so unto them; and lo! those who disagree concerning it are in doubt thereof; they have no knowledge thereof save pursuit of a conjecture; they slew him not for certain. &lt;br /&gt; But Allah took him up unto Himself. Allah was ever Mighty, Wise. &lt;br /&gt; There is not one of the People of the Scripture but will believe in him before his death, and on the Day of Resurrection he will be a witness against them.
** [[s:ar:أَلْقُرآن أَلْكَرِيم|Original]]:{{lang|ar|فَبِمَا نَقْضِهِم مِّيثَاقَهُمْ وَكُفْرِهِم بَآيَاتِ اللّهِ وَقَتْلِهِمُ الأَنْبِيَاءَبِغَيْرِ حَقًّ وَقَوْلِهِمْ قُلُوبُنَا غُلْفٌ بَلْ طَبَعَ اللّهُ عَلَيْهَابِكُفْرِهِمْفَلاَ يُؤْمِنُونَ إِلاَّ قَلِ &lt;br /&gt; وَبِكُفْرِهِمْ وَقَوْلِهِمْ عَلَى مَرْيَمَبُهْتَاناً عَظِيماً &lt;br /&gt; وَقَوْلِهِمْ إِنَّا قَتَلْنَا الْمَسِيحَ عِيسَى ابْنَمَرْيَمَرَسُولَ اللّهِ وَمَا قَتَلُوهُ وَمَا صَلَبُوهُ وَلَـكِن شُبِّهَ لَهُمْ وَإِنَّالَّذِينَاخْتَلَفُواْ فِيهِ لَفِي شَكٍّ مِّنْهُ مَا لَهُم بِهِ مِنْ عِلْمٍ إِلاَّ اتِّبَاعَالظَّنِّوَمَا قَتَلُوهُ يَقِينا &lt;br /&gt; بَل رَّفَعَهُ اللّهُ إِلَيْهِ وَكَانَ اللّهُعَزِيزاً حَكِيماً &lt;br /&gt; وَإِن مِّنْ أَهْلِ الْكِتَابِ إِلاَّ لَيُؤْمِنَنَّ بِهِ قَبْلَ مَوْتِهِوَيَوْمَالْقِيَامَةِ يَكُونُ عَلَيْهِمْ شَهِيدا|rtl}}
** The [[Qur'an]], [http://www.sacred-texts.com/isl/pick/004.htm Sura 4:155–159] ([[w:An-Nisa|The Women]], {{lang|ar|سورة النساء|rtl}})

* Surah iv. 169: &quot;O ye people of the Book! Overstep not bounds in your religion; and of God, speak only truth. The Messiah, Jesus, son of Mary, is only an apostle of God, and His Word which he conveyed into Mary, and a Spirit from Him. Believe, therefore, in God and His apostles, and say not, 'Three': (i.e. there is a Trinity) - Forbear - it will be better for you. God is only one God! Far be it from His glory that He should have a son! His, whatever is in the Heavens, and whatever is in the Earth! And God is a sufficient Guardian.&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* O followers of the Book! [The Bible] do not exceed the limits in your religion, and do not speak (lies) against Allah, but (speak) the truth; the Messiah, Isa son of Marium [Jesus son of Mary] is only an apostle of Allah and His Word which He communicated to Marium and a spirit from Him; believe therefore in Allah and His apostles, and say not, Three. Desist, it is better for you; Allah is only one God; far be It from His glory that He should have a son, whatever is in the heavens and whatever is in the earth is His, and Allah is sufficient for a Protector.
** [[s:ar:أَلْقُرآن أَلْكَرِيم|Original]]: {{lang|ar|يَا أَهْلَ الْكِتَابِ لاَ تَغْلُواْ فِي دِينِكُمْ وَلاَ تَقُولُواْعَلَى اللّهِ إِلاَّ الْحَقِّ إِنَّمَا الْمَسِيحُ عِيسَى ابْنُ مَرْيَمَ رَسُولُاللّهِ وَكَلِمَتُهُ أَلْقَاهَا إِلَى مَرْيَمَ وَرُوحٌ مِّنْهُ فَآمِنُواْ بِاللّهِوَرُسُلِهِ وَلاَ تَقُولُواْ ثَلاَثَةٌ انتَهُواْ خَيْراً لَّكُمْ إِنَّمَا اللّهُإِلَـهٌوَاحِدٌ سُبْحَانَهُ أَن يَكُونَ لَهُ وَلَدٌ لَّهُ مَا فِي السَّمَاوَاتوَمَا فِي الأَرْضِ وَكَفَى بِاللّهِ وَكِيل|rtl}}
** The [[Qur'an]], [http://www.hti.umich.edu/cgi/k/koran/koran-idx?type=DIV0&amp;byte=114839 Sura 4:171] ([[w:An-Nisa|The Women]], {{lang|ar|سورة النساء|rtl}})

* In blasphemy indeed are those that say that God is Christ the son of Mary. Say: &quot;Who then hath the least power against God, if He wished to destroy Christ the son of Mary, his mother, and all those on the earth? For to God belongeth the dominion of the heavens and the earth, and all that is between. He createth what He pleaseth. For God hath power over all things.&quot;
** Qur'an 5:17

* Surah v. 50, 51: &quot;And in the footsteps of the prophets caused we Jesus, the son of Mary, to follow, confirming the law which was before him; and we gave him the Evangel with its guidance and light, confirmatory of the preceding Law: a guidance and warning to those who fear God:- And that the people of the Evangel may judge according to what God hath sent down therein. And whose will not judge by what God hath sent down - such are the perverse.&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Certainly they disbelieve who say: Surely Allah, He is the Messiah, son of Marium; and the Messiah said: O Children of Israel! serve Allah, my Lord and your Lord. Surely whoever associates (others) with Allah, then Allah has forbidden to him the garden, and his abode is the fire; and there shall be no helpers for the unjust. &lt;br/&gt; Certainly they disbelieve who say: Surely Allah is the third (person) of the three; and there is no god but the one God, and if they desist not from what they say, a painful chastisement shall befall those among them who disbelieve.
** [[s:ar:أَلْقُرآن أَلْكَرِيم|Original]]: {{lang|ar|لَقَدْ كَفَرَ الَّذِينَ قَالُواْ إِنَّ اللّهَ هُوَالْمَسِيحُ ابْنُ مَرْيَمَ وَقَالَ الْمَسِيحُ يَا بَنِي إِسْرَائِيلَ اعْبُدُواْاللّهَ رَبِّي وَرَبَّكُمْ إِنَّهُ مَن يُشْرِكْ بِاللّهِ فَقَدْ حَرَّمَ اللّهُعَلَيهِالْجَنَّةَ وَمَأْوَاهُ النَّارُ وَمَا لِلظَّالِمِينَ مِنْ أَنصَارٍ &lt;br /&gt; لَّقَدْ كَفَرَ الَّذِينَ قَالُواْ إِنَّ اللّهَ ثَالِثُ ثَلاَثَةٍ وَمَا مِنْإِلَـهٍ إِلاَّ إِلَـهٌ وَاحِدٌ وَإِن لَّمْ يَنتَهُواْ عَمَّا يَقُولُونَ لَيَمَسَّنَّالَّذِينَ كَفَرُواْ مِنْهُمْ عَذَابٌ أَلِي|rtl}}
** The [[Qur'an]], [http://www.hti.umich.edu/cgi/k/koran/koran-idx?type=DIV0&amp;byte=158021 Sura 5:72–73] ([[w:Al-Ma'ida|The Dinner Table]], {{lang|ar|سورة المائدة|rtl}}

* Surah v. 76-69: &quot;They misbelieve who say, 'Verily, God is the Messiah, the son of Mary'; but the Messiah said, 'O children of Israel! Worship God, my Lord and your Lord; verily, he who associates aught with God, God hath forbidden him Paradise, and his resort is the Fire, and the unjust shall have none to help them. They misbelieve who say, 'Verily God is the third of three, for there is no God but one; and if they do not desist from what they say, there shall touch those who misbelieve amongst them grievous woe. Will they not turn again towards God and ask pardon of Him? For God is forgiving and merciful.' The Messiah, the son of Mary, is only a prophet! Prophets before him have passed away; and his mother was a confessor; they used both to eat food. See how we explain to them the signs, yet see how they turn aside!&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Surah lvii. 26, 27: &quot;And of old sent we Noah and Abraham, and on their seed conferred the gift of prophecy, and the Book; and some of them we guided aright; but many were evil doers. Then we caused our apostles to follow in their footsteps; and we caused Jesus the son of Mary to follow them; and we gave him the Evangel and we put into the hearts of those who followed him kindness and compassion; but as to the monastic life, they invented it themselves. The desire only of pleasing God did we prescribe to them, and this they observed not as it ought to have been observed; but to such of them as believed gave we their reward, though many of them were perverse.&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Surah xix. 16-21: &quot;And make mention in the Book, of Mary, when she went apart from her family, eastward, and took a veil to shroud herself from them: and We sent Our spirit to her, and he took before her the form of a perfect man. She said: 'I fly for refuge from thee to the God of Mercy! If thou fearest Him, begone from me.' He said: 'I am only a messenger of they Lord, that I may bestow on thee a holy son.' She said: 'How shall I have a son, when man hath never touched me? And I am not unchaste.' He said: 'So shall it be. Thy Lord hath said: &quot;Easy is this with me; and we will make him a sign to mankind and a mercy from us. For it is a thing decreed.&quot;'&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Then she brought him to her own folk, carrying him. They said: O Mary! Thou hast come with an amazing thing. &lt;br /&gt; O sister of Aaron! Thy father was not a wicked man nor was thy mother a harlot. &lt;br /&gt; Then she pointed to him. They said: How can we talk to one who is in the cradle, a young boy? &lt;br /&gt; He spake: Lo! I am the slave of Allah. He hath given me the Scripture and hath appointed me a Prophet, &lt;br /&gt; And hath made me blessed wheresoever I may be, and hath enjoined upon me prayer and almsgiving so long as I remain alive, &lt;br /&gt; And (hath made me) dutiful toward her who bore me, and hath not made me arrogant, unblest. &lt;br /&gt; Peace on me the day I was born, and the day I die, and the day I shall be raised alive! &lt;br /&gt; Such was Jesus, son of Mary: (this is) a statement of the truth concerning which they doubt. &lt;br /&gt; It befitteth not (the Majesty of) Allah that He should take unto Himself a son. Glory be to Him! When He decreeth a thing, He saith unto it only: Be! and it is. &lt;br /&gt; And lo! Allah is my Lord and your Lord. So serve Him. That is the right path. &lt;br /&gt; The sects among them differ: but woe unto the disbelievers from the meeting of an awful Day. &lt;br /&gt; See and hear them on the Day they come unto Us! yet the evil-doers are today in error manifest. &lt;br /&gt; And warn them of the Day of anguish when the case hath been decided. Now they are in a state of carelessness, and they believe not.
** [[s:ar:أَلْقُرآن أَلْكَرِيم|Original]]: {{lang|ar| فَأَتَتْ بِهِ قَوْمَهَا تَحْمِلُهُ قَالُوا يَا مَرْيَمُ لَقَدْ جِئْتِ شَيْئاًفَرِيّاً &lt;br /&gt; يَا أُخْتَ هَارُونَ مَا كَانَ أَبُوكِ امْرَأَ سَوْءٍ وَمَا كَانَتْأُمُّكِ بَغِيّاً &lt;br /&gt; فَأَشَارَتْ إِلَيْهِ قَالُوا كَيْفَ نُكَلِّمُ مَن كَانَفِيالْمَهْدِ صَبِيّاً &lt;br /&gt; قَالَ إِنِّي عَبْدُ اللَّهِ آتَانِيَ الْكِتَابَ وَجَعَلَنِينَبِيّاً &lt;br /&gt; وَجَعَلَنِي مُبَارَكاً أَيْنَ مَا كُنتُ وَأَوْصَانِي بِالصَّلَاةِوَالزَّكَاةِ مَا دُمْتُ حَيّاً &lt;br /&gt; وَبَرّاً بِوَالِدَتِي وَلَمْ يَجْعَلْنِيجَبَّاراً شَقِيّاً &lt;br /&gt; وَالسَّلَامُ عَلَيَّ يَوْمَ وُلِدتُّ وَيَوْمَ أَمُوتُوَيَوْمَ أُبْعَثُ حَيّاً &lt;br /&gt; ذَلِكَ عِيسَى ابْنُ مَرْيَمَ قَوْلَ الْحَقِّالَّذِي فِيهِ يَمْتَرُونَ &lt;br /&gt; مَا كَانَ لِلَّهِ أَن يَتَّخِذَ مِن وَلَدٍ سُبْحَانَهُإِذَا قَضَى أَمْراً فَإِنَّمَا يَقُولُ لَهُ كُن فَيَكُونُ &lt;br /&gt; وَإِنَّ اللَّهَرَبِّي وَرَبُّكُمْفَاعْبُدُوهُ هَذَا صِرَاطٌ مُّسْتَقِيمٌ &lt;br /&gt; فَاخْتَلَفَ الْأَحْزَابُ مِنبَيْنِهِمْ فَوَيْلٌ لِّلَّذِينَ كَفَرُوا مِن مَّشْهَدِ يَوْمٍ عَظِيمٍ &lt;br /&gt; أَسْمِعْ بِهِمْوَأَبْصِرْ يَوْمَ يَأْتُونَنَا لَكِنِ الظَّالِمُونَ الْيَوْمَ فِي ضَلَالٍ مُّبِينٍ &lt;br /&gt; وَأَنذِرْهُمْ يَوْمَ الْحَسْرَةِ إِذْ قُضِيَ الْأَمْرُ وَهُمْ فِي غَفْلَةٍوَهُمْ لَا يُؤْمِنُونَ|rtl}}
** The [[Qur'an]], [http://www.sacred-texts.com/isl/pick/019.htm Sura 19:27–39] ([[w:Maryam|Maryam]], {{lang|ar|سورة مريم|rtl}}

* Surah lxi. 6: &quot;And remember when Jesus the son of Mary said, 'O children of Israel! Of a truth I am God's apostle to you to confirm the law which was given before me, and to announce an apostle that shall come after me whose name shall be Ahmad! But when he (Ahmad) presented himself with clear proofs of his mission, they said, 'This is manifest sorcery!&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Surah xxiii. 52: &quot;And we appointed the Son and his Mother for a sign; and we prepared an abode in a lofty spot, quiet and watered with springs.&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Surah v. 112-115: &quot;Remember when the Apostles said: 'O Jesus, Son of Mary! Is thy Lord able to send down a furnished table to us out of Heaven?' He said: 'Fear God if ye be believers.' They said: 'We desire to eat therefrom, and to have our hearts assured; and to know that thou hast indeed spoken truth to us, and to be witnesses thereof.' Jesus, Son of Mary, said: 'O God our Lord! Send down a table to us out of Heaven, that it may become a recurring festival to us, to the first of us and to the last of us, and a sign from thee; and do thou nourish us, for thou art the best of nourishers.' And God said: 'Verily, I will cause it to descend unto you; but whoever among you after that shall disbelieve, I will surely chastise him with a chastisement wherewith I will not chastise any other creature. 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Surah v. 19: &quot;Infidels now are they who say, 'Verily God is Messiah Ibn Maryam (son of Mary)! SAY: And who could aught obtain from God, if he chose to destroy the Messiah Ibn Maryam, and his mother, and all who are on the earth together?'&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* And when Allah will say: O Isa son of Marium! [Jesus son of Mary] did you say to men, Take me and my mother for two gods besides Allah he will say: Glory be to Thee, it did not befit me that I should say what I had no right to (say); if I had said it, Thou wouldst indeed have known it; Thou knowest what is in my mind, and I do not know what is in Thy mind, surely Thou art the great Knower of the unseen things.
** [[s:ar:أَلْقُرآن أَلْكَرِيم|Original]]: {{lang|ar|وَإِذْ قَالَ اللّهُ يَا عِيسَى ابْنَ مَرْيَمَ أَأَنتَ قُلتَ لِلنَّاسِ اتَّخِذُونِيوَأُمِّيَ إِلَـهَيْنِ مِن دُونِ اللّهِ قَالَ سُبْحَانَكَ مَا يَكُونُ لِي أَنْأَقُولَ مَا لَيْسَ لِي بِحَقٍّ إِن كُنتُ قُلْتُهُ فَقَدْ عَلِمْتَهُ تَعْلَمُمَا فِينَفْسِي وَلاَ أَعْلَمُ مَا فِي نَفْسِكَ إِنَّكَ أَنتَ عَلاَّمُ الْغُيُوب|rtl}}
** The [[Qur'an]], [http://www.hti.umich.edu/cgi/k/koran/koran-idx?type=DIV0&amp;byte=158021 Sura 5:116] ([[w:Al-Ma'ida|The Dinner Table]], {{lang|ar|سورة المائدة|rtl}}

* Surah vi. 85: &quot;And Zachariah, John, Jesus, and Elias: all were just persons.&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Surah ix. 30: &quot;The Jews say Ezra is the Son of God; and the Christians say that the Messiah is the Son of God; that is what they say with their mouths imitating the sayings of those who misbelieve before - God fight them! - How they lie!&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Then she conceived him; and withdrew with him to a remote place. ‏And the throes of childbirth drove her to the trunk of a palm-tree. She said: Oh, would that I had died before this, and had been a thing quite forgotten! ‏So a voice came to her from beneath her: Grieve not, surely thy Lord has provided a stream beneath thee. ‏ And shake towards thee the trunk of the palm-tree, it will drop on thee fresh ripe dates. ‏So eat and drink and cool the eye. Then if thou seest any mortal, say: Surely I have vowed a fast to the Beneficent, so I will not speak to any man to-day.
** Qur'an 19:22-26

* But she pointed to him. They said: How should we speak to one who is a child in the cradle? He said: I am indeed a servant of Allah. He has given me the Book and made me a prophet. And He has made me blessed wherever I may be, and He has enjoined on me prayer and poor-rate so long as I live:
** Qur'an 19:29-31

* Surah xliii. 57-65: &quot;And when the Son of Mary was set forth as an instance of divine power, lo! Thy people cried out for joy thereat: And they said, &quot;Are our god or is he the better?' They put this forth to thee only in the spirit of dispute. Yea. They are a contentious people. Jesus is no more than a servant whom we favored, and proposed as an instance of divine power to the children of Israel; and if we pleased, we could from yourselves bring forth Angels to succeed you on earth; and he shall be a sign of the last hour; doubt not then of it, and follow ye me: this is the right way; and let not Satan turn you aside from it, for he is your manifest foe. And when Jesus came with manifest proofs, he said, 'Now am I come to you with wisdom; and a part of those things about which ye are at variance I will clear up to you; fear ye God, therefore, and obey me. Verily, God is my Lord and your Lord; wherefore, worship ye him: this is a right way.' But the different parties fell into disputes among themselves; but woe to those who thus transgressed, because of the punishment of an afflictive day!&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Surah xix. 35, 36: &quot;That is Jesus, the son of Mary, the word of truth (Qaulu 'l-Haqq), whereon ye do dispute! God could not take to Himself a son! Celebrated be His praise! When He decrees a matter He only say to it 'BE,' and it is; and verily God is my Lord and your Lord, so worship Him: this is the right way. But the sects have differed among themselves.&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* And when Isa son of Marium [Jesus son of Mary] said: O children of Israel! surely I am the apostle of Allah to you, verifying that which is before me of the Taurat and giving the good news of an Apostle who will come after me, his name being [[w:Ahmad (name)|Ahmad]] [Muhammad], but when he came to them with clear arguments they said: This is clear magic.
** [[s:ar:أَلْقُرآن أَلْكَرِيم|Original]]: {{lang|ar|وَإِذْ قَالَ عِيسَى ابْنُ مَرْيَمَ يَا بَنِي إِسْرَائِيلَ إِنِّي رَسُولُ اللَّهِإِلَيْكُم مُّصَدِّقاًلِّمَا بَيْنَ يَدَيَّ مِنَ التَّوْرَاةِ وَمُبَشِّراً بِرَسُولٍ يَأْتِي مِنبَعْدِي اسْمُهُ أَحْمَدُ فَلَمَّاجَاءهُم بِالْبَيِّنَاتِ قَالُوا هَذَا سِحْرٌ مُّبِينٌ|rtl}}
** The [[Qur'an]], [http://www.hti.umich.edu/cgi/k/koran/koran-idx?type=DIV0&amp;byte=874756 Sura 61:6] ([[w:As-Saff|The Ranks]], {{lang|ar|سورة الصف|rtl}}

* Say: He, Allah, is One. &lt;br/&gt; Allah is He on Whom all depend. &lt;br/&gt; He begets not, nor is He begotten. &lt;br/&gt; And none is like Him.
** [[s:ar:أَلْقُرآن أَلْكَرِيم|Original]]: {{lang|ar|بِسْمِ اللهِ ٱلرَّحْمَـٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيمِ &lt;br /&gt; قُلْ هُوَ اللَّهُ أَحَدٌ &lt;br /&gt; اللَّهُ الصَّمَدُ &lt;br /&gt; لَمْ يَلِدْوَلَمْ يُولَدْ &lt;br /&gt; وَلَمْ يَكُن لَّهُ كُفُواً أَحَدٌ|rtl}}
** The [[Qur'an]], [http://www.hti.umich.edu/cgi/k/koran/koran-idx?type=DIV0&amp;byte=969810 Sura 112:1–4] ([[w:Al-Ikhlas|The Unity]], {{lang|ar|سورة الإخلاص|rtl}} This statement was declared as a rebuke to Christian doctrines of Jesus as the incarnation of God, and that God could beget a son that was his equal.

====The [[Hadith]]====
:&lt;small&gt;[[Wikisource:Hadith|Hadith]] in Wikisouce&lt;/small&gt;
* The Prophet said, &quot;On the night of my Ascent to the Heaven, I saw Moses who was a tall brown curly-haired man as if he was one of the men of Shan'awa tribe, and I saw Jesus, a man of medium height and moderate complexion inclined to the red and white colors and of lank hair. I also saw Malik, the gate-keeper of the (Hell) Fire and [[w:Dajjal|Ad-Dajjal]] [the [[w:Antichrist|Antichrist]]] amongst the signs which Allah showed me.&quot;
** [[w:Hadith|Hadith]], translation of [[Sahih Bukhari|Sahih Bukhari]], [http://www.usc.edu/dept/MSA/fundamentals/hadithsunnah/bukhari/054.sbt.html#004.054.462 Volume 4, Book 54, Number 462]

* Allah's Apostle said &quot;How will you be when the son of Mary ([[w:Jesus Christ|Jesus]]) descends amongst you and he will judge people by the Law of the Qur'an and not by the law of Gospel?&quot;
** [[w:Hadith|Hadith]], translation of [[w:Sahih Bukhari|Sahih Bukhari]], [http://www.usc.edu/dept/MSA/fundamentals/hadithsunnah/bukhari/055.sbt.html#004.055.554 Volume 4, Book 55, Number 65]

* The Prophet said, &quot;On the Day of Resurrection the Believers will assemble and say, 'Let us ask somebody to intercede for us with our Lord.' … 'Go to Jesus, Allah's Slave, His Apostle and Allah's Word and a Spirit coming from Him.' Jesus will say, 'I am not fit for this undertaking, go to Muhammad the Slave of Allah whose past and future sins were forgiven by Allah.' So they will come to me and I will proceed till I will ask my Lord's Permission and I will be given permission.
** [[w:Hadith|Hadith]], translation of [[w:Sahih Bukhari|Sahih Bukhari]], [http://www.usc.edu/dept/MSA/fundamentals/hadithsunnah/bukhari/060.sbt.html#006.060.149 Volume 6, Book 50, Number 3]

* By Him in Whose hand is my life, the son of Mary will soon descend among you as a just judge. He will break crosses, kill swine and abolish Jizya and the wealth will pour forth to such an extent that no one will accept it.
** [[Hadith]], translation of [[w:Sahih Bukhari|Sahih Bukhari]], [https://sunnah.com/muslim/1/296 Book 1, Hadith 296]

===Islamic Inscriptions from the Dome of the Rock ({{lang|ar|مسجد قبة الصخرة|rtl}})===
[[File:Dehio 10 Dome of the Rock Floor plan.jpg|thumb|Oh God, bless Your Messenger and Your servant Jesus son of Mary. Peace be on him the day he was born, and the day he dies, and the day he shall be raised alive! &lt;!-- Floor plan for the octagonal arcade of [[w:The Dome of the Rock|The Dome of the Rock]] ({{lang|ar|مسجد قبة الصخرة|rtl}}) in Jerusalem (built 692 CE), which contains numerous inscriptions that refer to Jesus --&gt;]]

* &quot;O People of the Book! Do not exaggerate in your religion nor utter aught concerning God save the truth. The Messiah, Jesus son of Mary, was only a Messenger of God, and His Word which He conveyed unto Mary, and a spirit from Him. So believe in God and His messengers, and say not 'Three' — Cease! (it is better for you! — God is only One God. Far be it removed from His transcendent majesty that He should have a son. His is all that is in the heavens and all that is in the earth. And God is sufficient as Defender.&quot; (Quran 4:171)
** [[w:Islam|Islamic]] inscription in the east-northeast inner octagonal arcade of the [[w:Dome of the Rock|Dome of the Rock]], Jerusalem (692 CE), [link to [http://www.islamic-awareness.org/History/Islam/Inscriptions/DoTR.html full text and translation]]

* Oh God, bless Your Messenger and Your servant Jesus son of Mary. Peace be on him the day he was born, and the day he dies, and the day he shall be raised alive! Such was Jesus, son of Mary, (this is) a statement of the truth concerning which they doubt.
** [[w:Islam|Islamic]] inscription in the north-northwest inner octagonal arcade of the [[w:Dome of the Rock|Dome of the Rock]], Jerusalem (692 CE), [link to [http://www.islamic-awareness.org/History/Islam/Inscriptions/DoTR.html full text and translation]]

* It befitteth not (the Majesty of) God that He should take unto Himself a son. Glory be to Him! When He decreeth a thing, He saith unto it only: Be! and it is. Lo! God is my Lord and your Lord. So serve Him. That is the right path. God (Himself) is witness that there is no God save Him.
** [[w:Islam|Islamic]] inscription in the northwest-west inner octagonal arcade of the [[w:Dome of the Rock|Dome of the Rock]], Jerusalem (692 CE), [link to [http://www.islamic-awareness.org/History/Islam/Inscriptions/DoTR.html full text and translation]]

* There is no god but God. He is One. Praise be to God, Who hath not taken unto Himself a son, and Who hath no partner in the Sovereignty, nor hath He any protecting friend through dependence.
** [[w:Islam|Islamic]] inscription in the west-northwest inner octagonal arcade of the [[w:Dome of the Rock|Dome of the Rock]], Jerusalem (692 CE), [link to [http://www.islamic-awareness.org/History/Islam/Inscriptions/DoTR.html full text and translation]]

===High Middle Ages===

* The purpose and cause of the incarnation was that He might illuminate the world by His wisdom and excite it to the love of Himself.
** [[Peter Abelard]] (1079–1142), as quoted in &quot;The Abelardian Doctrine Of The Atonement&quot; (1892), published in ''Doctrine and Development : University Sermons'' (1898) by Hastings Rashdall, p. 138

* If it be necessary, therefore, as it appears, that the heavenly kingdom be made up of men, and this cannot be effected unless the aforesaid satisfaction be made, which none but God can make and none but man ought to make, it is necessary for the God-man to make it.
** [[St. Anselm]] of Canterbury (1033–1109), ''Cur Deus Homo''

===The Reformation and Counter-Reformation===

* If You return to earth, come armed Lord,&lt;br&gt;because enemies are preparing other crosses&lt;br&gt;—not Turks, not Jews—but those of Your own kingdom
** [[Tommaso Campanella]], &quot;To Jesus Christ&quot;, as cited in Roush, Sherry, 2011, ''Selected Philosophical Poems of Tommaso Campanella'', University of Chicago Press, p. 18. Jesus

* He did not call them Abraham's children, but a &quot;brood of vipers&quot; [Matt. 3:7]. Oh, that was too insulting for the noble blood and race of Israel, and they declared, &quot;He has a demon' [Matt 11:18]. Our Lord also calls them a &quot;brood of vipers&quot;; furthermore in John 8 [:39,44] he states: &quot;If you were Abraham's children ye would do what Abraham did... You are of your father the devil. It was intolerable to them to hear that they were not Abraham's but the devil's children, nor can they bear to hear this today.
** [[w:Martin Luther|Martin Luther]] (1543), quoting what Jesus is said to have declared to some of the Jewish religious leaders of his time. ''[[w:On the Jews and Their Lies|On the Jews and Their Lies]]'' [http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/source/luther-jews.html]

* In those holy fields. &lt;br /&gt; Over whose acres walk'd those blessed feet &lt;br /&gt; Which, fourteen hundred years ago, were nail'd &lt;br /&gt; For our advantage on the bitter cross.
** [[William Shakespeare]], [[Henry IV, Part 1|''Henry IV'', Part I]] (c. 1597), Act I, scene 1, line 24

* And on his brest a bloodie crosse he bore, &lt;br /&gt; The deare remembrance of his dying Lord, &lt;br /&gt; For whose sweete sake that glorious badge he wore.
** [[Edmund Spenser]], ''The Faerie Queene'' (1589–96), Book I, Canto I, Stanza 2

===The Age of Reason (Seventeenth Century)===

* I must at this juncture declare that those doctrines which certain churches put forward concerning Christ, I neither affirm nor deny, for I freely confess that I do not grasp them.
** [[w:Baruch Spinoza|Baruch Spinoza]], ''[[w:Theologico-Political Treatise|Theologico-Political Treatise]]'' [http://www.yesselman.com/ttpelws1.htm#1:50understand] (1677)

===The Age of Enlightenment (Eighteenth Century)===

* We Recognize No Sovereign but God, and no King but Jesus!
** [[John Adams]] and [[John Hancock]] (April 18, 1775)[http://www.eadshome.com/QuotesoftheFounders.htm])

*Jesus taught the world nothing that had not been taught as earnestly before by other [[Masters of Wisdom|masters]]. He begins His [[Sermon on the Mount|sermon [on the Mount]]] with certain purely Buddhistic precepts that had found acceptance among the [[Essenes]], and were generally practiced by the Orphikoi, and the [[w:Neo-platonists|Neo-platonists]]... Every word of His sermon is an echo of the essential principles of monastic [[Buddhism|Buddhism.]]	
**[[H.P. Blavatsky]] in ''[[Isis Unveiled]]'' Vol. 2, (1877)

*I believe blindly in those words of Christ that I clearly understand and still more in those that were expressed by Him in the [[Sermon on the Mount]] for I find them literally repeated in the [[Buddhist]] sermons of [[Gautama]], in the [[Dhammapada]] and in the Sastras of Siddhartha Buddha, as well as the Egyptian Book of the Dead.
**[[H.P. Blavatsky]], ''The Letters of H. P. Blavatsky'': Volume 1 1861-1879, ISBN-13: 978-0835608367

*The religion which the primitive teaching of the early few apostles most resembled — a religion preached by Jesus himself — is the elder of... Buddhism. The latter as taught in its primitive purity, and carried to perfection by the last of the Buddhas, Gautama, based its moral ethics on three fundamental principles. It alleged that 1, every thing existing, exists from natural causes; 2, that virtue brings its own reward, and vice and sin their own punishment; and, 3, that the state of man in this world is probationary... However puzzling the subsequent theological tenets; however seemingly incomprehensible the metaphysical abstractions which have convulsed the theology of every one of the great religions of mankind as soon as it was placed on a sure footing, the above is found to be the essence of every religious philosophy, with the exception of later Christianity. It was that of Zoroaster, of Pythagoras, of Plato, of Jesus, and even of Moses, albeit the teachings of the Jewish law-giver have been so piously tampered with. 
**[[H.P. Blavatsky|H.P. Blavatsky]], ''[[w:Isis Unveiled|Isis Unveiled]]'', Vol. II, Chapter III, p. 124 (1877)

*Perhaps the Church of Rome was but consistent in choosing as her titular founder the apostle who thrice denied his master at the moment of danger; and the only one, moreover, except Judas, who provoked Christ in such a way as to be addressed as the &quot;Enemy.&quot; &quot;Get thee behind me, Satan!&quot; exclaims Jesus, rebuking the taunting apostle.(Gospel according to Mark, viii. 33.) There is a tradition in the Greek Church which has never found favor at the Vatican. The former traces its origin to one of the Gnostic leaders — Basilides, perhaps, who lived under Trajan and Adrian, at the end of the first and the beginning of the second century. With regard to this particular tradition, if the Gnostic is Basilides, then he must be accepted as a sufficient authority, having claimed to have been a disciple of the Apostle Matthew, and to have had for master Glaucias, a disciple of St. Peter himself...  
**[[H.P. Blavatsky|H.P. Blavatsky]], ''[[w:Isis Unveiled|Isis Unveiled]]'', Vol. II, Chapter III], p.125, (1877)

*This tradition, then, of which we have been speaking, affirms that, when frightened at the accusation of the servant of the high priest, the apostle had thrice denied his master, and the cock had crowed, Jesus, who was then passing through the hall in custody of the soldiers, turned, and, looking at Peter, said: &quot;Verily, I say unto thee, Peter, thou shalt deny me throughout the coming ages, and never stop until thou shalt be old, and shalt stretch forth thy hands, and another shall gird thee and carry thee whither thou wouldst not.&quot; The latter part of this sentence, say the Greeks, relates to the Church of Rome, and prophesies her constant apostasy from Christ, under the mask of false religion. Later, it was inserted in the twenty-first chapter of John, but the whole of this chapter had been pronounced a forgery, even before it was found that this Gospel was never written by John the Apostle at all. 
**[[H.P. Blavatsky|H.P. Blavatsky]], ''[[w:Isis Unveiled|Isis Unveiled]]'', Vol. II, Chapter III], p. 125, (1877)

*All the civilized portion of the [[Paganism|Pagans]] who knew of Jesus honored him as a [[philosopher]], an adept whom they placed on the same level with [[Pythagoras]] and [[Apollonius]]. Whence such a veneration on their part for a man, were he simply, as represented by the Synoptics, a poor, unknown Jewish carpenter from Nazareth? As an incarnated God there is no single record of him on this earth capable of withstanding the critical examination of science; as one of the greatest reformers, an inveterate enemy of every theological dogmatism, a persecutor of bigotry, a teacher of one of the most sublime codes of ethics, Jesus is one of the grandest and most clearly-defined figures on the panorama of human history. His age may, with every day, be receding farther and farther back into the gloomy and hazy mists of the past; and his theology — based on human fancy and supported by untenable dogmas may, nay, must with every day lose more of its unmerited prestige; alone the grand figure of the philosopher and moral reformer instead of growing paler will become with every century more pronounced and more clearly defined. It will reign supreme and universal only on that day when the whole of humanity recognizes but one father — the unknown one above — and one brother — the whole of mankind below.
*[[H.P. Blavatsky]], ''Isis Unveiled: A Master-Key to the Mysteries of Ancient and Modern Science and Theology,'' Vol. II, [https://www.theosociety.org/pasadena/isis/iu2-03.htm Chapter III], p. 150 (1877)

* This gem is in the collection of the author of &quot;The Gnostics and their Remains.&quot; See p. 201.
† &quot;Heresies,&quot; xxvii.
151 — THE LONG-HAIRED NAZARENES.
father — the unknown one above — and one brother — the whole of mankind below.

* '''Our Lord Jesus [[w:Christ|Christ]], a little before his departure, commissioned his apostles to ''Go'', and ''teach all nations;'' or, as another evangelist expresses it, ''Go into all the world, and preach the gospel to every creature.''''' This commission was as extensive as possible, and laid them under obligation to disperse themselves into every country of the habitable globe, and preach to all the inhabitants, without exception, or limitation. They accordingly went forth in obedience to the command, and the power of God evidently wrought with them.
** [[William Carey]], '''An Enquiry into the Obligations of Christians to Use Means for the Conversion of the Heathens (1792)’’ Sect. I : ''An Enquiry whether the Commission given by our Lord to his Disciples be not still binding on us.''

* [N]either antiquity nor any other nation has imagined a more atrocious and blasphemous absurdity than that of eating God. This is how Christians treat the autocrat of the universe.
** [[Frederick II of Prussia|Frederick the Great]], ''Letters of Voltaire and Frederick the Great'' (New York: Brentano's, 1927), transl. [[w:Richard Aldington|Richard Aldington]], letter 215 from [[Frederick II of Prussia|Frederick]] to [[Voltaire]] (19 March 1776)

* The ancient and popular doctrine of the Millennium was intimately connected with the second coming of Christ. As the works of the creation had been finished in six days, their duration in their present state, according to a tradition which was attributed to the prophet Elijah, was fixed to six thousand years. By the same analogy it was inferred that this long period of labour and contention, which was now almost elapsed, would be succeeded by a joyful Sabbath of a thousand years; and that Christ, with the triumphant band of the saints and the elect who had escaped death, or who had been miraculously revived, would reign upon earth till the time appointed for the last and general resurrection. So pleasing was this hope to the mind of believers, that the new Jerusalem, the seat of this blissful kingdom, was quickly adorned with all the gayest colours of the imagination. … Though it might not be universally received, it appears to have been the reigning sentiment of the orthodox believers; and it seems so well adapted to the desires and apprehensions of mankind, that it must have contributed in a very considerable degree to the progress of the Christian faith. But when the edifice of the church was almost completed, the temporary support was laid aside. The doctrine of Christ's reign upon earth was at first treated as a profound allegory, was considered by degrees as a doubtful and useless opinion, and was at length rejected as the absurd invention of heresy and fanaticism. A mysterious prophecy, which still forms a part of the sacred canon, but which was thought to favour the exploded sentiment, has very narrowly escaped the proscription of the church.
** [[Edward Gibbon]] (1788), ''[[w:The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire|The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire]]'', [http://www.ccel.org/ccel/gibbon/decline/files/volume1/chap15.htm 1, Chap.&amp;nbsp;15], on the progress of the Christian religion, and the sentiments, manners, numbers, and condition of the primitive Christians [http://www.ccel.org/ccel/gibbon/decline/files/volume1/chap15.htm]

* How shall we excuse the supine inattention of the Pagan and philosophic world to those evidences which were presented by the hand of Omnipotence, not to their reason, but to their senses? During the age of Christ, of his apostles, and of their first disciples, the doctrine which they preached was confirmed by innumerable prodigies. The lame walked, the blind saw, the sick were healed, the dead were raised, daemons were expelled, and the laws of Nature were frequently suspended for the benefit of the church. &lt;br/&gt; … Under the reign of Tiberius, the whole earth, or at least a celebrated province of the Roman empire, was involved in a preternatural darkness of three hours. Even this miraculous event, which ought to have excited the wonder, the curiosity, and the devotion of mankind, passed without notice in an age of science and history. It happened during the lifetime of Seneca and the elder Pliny, who must have experienced the immediate effects, or received the earliest intelligence, of the prodigy. Each of these philosophers, in a laborious work, has recorded all the great phenomena of Nature, earthquakes, meteors, comets, and eclipses, which his indefatigable curiosity could collect. Both the one and the other have omitted to mention the greatest phenomenon to which the mortal eye has been witness since the creation of the globe.
** [[Edward Gibbon]] (1788), ''[[w:The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire|The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire]]'', [http://www.ccel.org/ccel/gibbon/decline/files/volume1/chap15.htm 1, Chap.&amp;nbsp;15], on the progress of the Christian religion, and the sentiments, manners, numbers, and condition of the primitive Christians [http://www.ccel.org/ccel/gibbon/decline/files/volume1/chap15.htm]

* I doubt whether the people of this country would suffer an execution for heresy, or a three years imprisonment for not comprehending the mysteries of the trinity.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], ''Notes on Virginia'', 1782. Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-04_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;4], p.&amp;nbsp;81

* You will next read the new testament. It is the history of a personage called Jesus. Keep in your eye the opposite pretensions I. of those who say he was begotten by god, born of a virgin, suspended &amp; reversed the laws of nature at will, &amp; ascended bodily into heaven: and 2. of those who say he was a man of illegitimate birth, of a benevolent heart, enthusiastic mind, who set out without pretensions to divinity, ended in believing them, &amp; was Punished capitally for sedition by being gibbeted according to the Roman law which punished the first commission of that offence by whipping, &amp; the second by exile or death in ''furcâ''. … '''Do not be frightened from this inquiry by any fear of it's consequences. If it ends in a belief that there is no god, you will find incitements to virtue in the comfort &amp; pleasantness you feel in it's exercise, and the love of others which it will procure you.''' If you find reason to believe there is a god, a consciousness that you are acting under his eye, &amp; that he approves you, will be a vast additional incitement; if that there be a future state, the hope of a happy existence in that increases the appetite to deserve it; if that Jesus was also a god, you will be comforted by a belief of his aid and love. In fine, I repeat that you must lay aside all prejudice on both sides, &amp; neither believe nor reject anything because any other persons, or description of persons have rejected or believed it. Your own reason is the only oracle given you by heaven, and you are answerable not for the rightness but uprightness of the decision. I forgot to observe '''when speaking of the new testament that you should read all the histories of Christ, as well of those whom a council of ecclesiastics have decided for us to be Pseudo-evangelists, as those they named Evangelists.''' Because these Pseudo-evangelists pretended to inspiration as much as the others, and you are to judge their pretensions by your own reason, &amp; not by the reason of those ecclesiastics. Most of these are lost. There are some however still extant, collected by Fabricius which I will endeavor to get &amp; send you.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], Letter to Peter Carr, August 10, 1787. Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-05_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;5], pp.&amp;nbsp;324–327

* [Jesus] claims that not the observance of outer civil or statutory churchly duties but the pure moral disposition of the heart alone can make man well-pleasing to God (Matthew V, 20-48); … that injury done one’s neighbor can be repaired only through satisfaction rendered to the neighbor himself, not through acts of divine worship (V, 24). Thus, he says, does he intend to do full justice to the Jewish law (V, 17); whence it is obvious that not scriptural scholarship but the pure religion of reason must be the law’s interpreter, for taken according to the letter, it allowed the very opposite of all this. Furthermore, he does not leave unnoticed, in his designations of the strait gate and the narrow way, the misconstruction of the law which men allow themselves in order to evade their true moral duty, holding themselves immune through having fulfilled their churchly duty (VII, 13). He further requires of these pure dispositions that they manifest themselves also in works (VII, 16) and, on the other hand, denies the insidious hope of those who imagine that, through invocation and praise of the Supreme Lawgiver in the person of His envoy, they will make up for their lack of good works and ingratiate themselves into favor (VII, 21). Regarding these works he declares that they ought to be performed publicly, as an example for imitation (V, 16), and in a cheerful mood, not as actions extorted from slaves (VI, 16); and that thus, from a small beginning in the sharing and spreading of such dispositions, religion, like a grain of seed in good soil, or a ferment of goodness, would gradually, through its inner power, grow into a kingdom of God (XIII, 31-33).
** [[Immanuel Kant]], ''[[w:Religion within the Bounds of Bare Reason|Religion within the Limits of Reason Alone]]'', Book IV, Part 1, Section 1, “The Christian religion as a natural religion,” as translated by Theodore M. Greene

* Let us suppose there was a teacher of whom an historical record (or, at least, a widespread belief which is not basically disputable) reports that he was the first to expound publicly a pure and searching religion, comprehensible to the whole world. … Suppose that all he did was done even in the face of a dominant ecclesiastical faith which was onerous and not conducive to moral ends (a faith whose perfunctory worship can serve as a type of all the other faiths, at bottom merely statutory, which were current in the world at the time). Suppose, further, we find that he had made this universal religion of reason the highest and indispensable condition of every religious faith whatsoever … and this without further adding to this faith burdensome new ordinances or wishing to transform acts which he had initiated into peculiar holy practices, required in themselves as being constituent elements of religion. After this description one will not fail to recognize the person who can be referenced, not indeed as the founder of the religion which, free from every dogma, is engraved in all men’s hearts (for it does not have its origin in an arbitrary will), but as the founder of the first true church.
** [[Immanuel Kant]], ''[[w:Religion within the Bounds of Bare Reason|Religion within the Limits of Reason Alone]]'', Book IV, Part 1, Section 1, “The Christian religion as a natural religion,” as translated by Theodore M. Greene

* While [Jesus] was living the day today, how did he manage to protect himself against the enemy that would attack him from the rear, namely the next day – just because he had the eternal with him in his today in a sense totally different from the way any human being has, for that very reason he turned his back on the next day. '''How did he manage?''' Far be it from us presumptuously to try to gain popularity by fathoming what should not be fathomed. We do not believe that he came to the world in order to give us subjects for erudite research. He came into the world to set the task, in order to leave a footprint so that we would learn from him. 
** [[Soren Kierkegaard]], Christian Discourses (Christelige Taler) Apr 26, 1848 Hong translation 1997 P. 76-77  

* What have we learned from this false thing called &quot;revealed religion&quot;? Absolutely nothing that is useful to man, and everything that is dishonorable to God. What does the Bible teach us?—rapine, cruelty, and murder. What does the New Testament teach us?—to believe that God had sex with a woman engaged to be married. The belief in this debauchery is what is called faith.
** [[w:Thomas Paine|Thomas Paine]], ''[[s:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794)

* Every national church or religion has established itself by pretending some special mission from God, communicated to certain individuals. The Jews have their Moses; the Christians their Jesus Christ, their apostles and saints; and the Turks their Mahomet; as if the way to God was not open to every man alike. &lt;br/&gt; Each of those churches shows certain books, which they call ''revelation'', or the Word of God. The Jews say that their Word of God was given by God to Moses face to face; the Christians say, that their Word of God came by divine inspiration; and the Turks say, that their Word of God (the Koran) was brought by an angel from heaven. Each of those churches accuses the other of unbelief; and, for my own part, I disbelieve them all.
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[w:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794) [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Home3/HTML.php?recordID=0548.04]

* Having thus made an insurrection and a battle in heaven, in which none of the combatants could be either killed or wounded — put Satan into the pit — let him out again — given him a triumph over the whole creation — damned all mankind by the eating of an apple, these Christian mythologists bring the two ends of their fable together. They represent this virtuous and amiable man, Jesus Christ, to be at once both God and man, and also the Son of God, celestially begotten, on purpose to be sacrificed, because they say that Eve in her longing had eaten an apple.
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[w:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794) [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Home3/HTML.php?recordID=0548.04]

* If I owe a person money, and cannot pay him, and he threatens to put me in prison, another person can take the debt upon himself, and pay it for me. But if I have committed a crime, every circumstance of the case is changed. Moral justice cannot take the innocent for the guilty even if the innocent would offer itself. To suppose justice to do this, is to destroy the principle of its existence, which is the thing itself. It is then no longer justice. It is indiscriminate revenge.
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[w:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794) [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Home3/HTML.php?recordID=0548.04]

* As to the Christian system of faith, it appears to me as a species of atheism; a sort of religious denial of God. It professes to believe in a man rather than in God. It is a compound made up chiefly of man-ism with but little deism, and is as near to atheism as twilight is to darkness. It introduces between man and his Maker an opaque body, which it calls a redeemer[.]
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[w:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794) [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Home3/HTML.php?recordID=0548.04]

* The most extraordinary of all the things called miracles, related in the New Testament, is that of the devil flying away with Jesus Christ, and carrying him to the top of a high mountain; and to the top of the highest pinnacle of the temple, and showing him and promising to him ''all the kingdoms of the world''. How happened it that he did not discover America? or is it only with ''kingdoms'' that his sooty highness has any interest.
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[w:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794) [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Home3/HTML.php?recordID=0548.04]

* Here then is the whole story, foolish as it is, of this child and this virgin; and it is upon the barefaced perversion of this story that the book of Matthew, and the impudence and sordid interest of priests in later times, have founded a theory, which they call the gospel; and have applied this story to signify the person they call Jesus Christ; begotten, they say, by a ghost, whom they call holy, on the body of a woman, engaged in marriage, and afterwards married, whom they call a virgin, seven hundred years after this foolish story was told; a theory which, speaking for myself, I hesitate not to believe, and to say, is as fabulous and as false as God is true. … &lt;br/&gt; It is not then the existence or the non-existence, of the persons that I trouble myself about; it is the fable of Jesus Christ, as told in the New Testament, and the wild and visionary doctrine raised thereon, against which I contend. The story, taking it as it is told, is blasphemously obscene. It gives an account of a young woman engaged to be married, and while under this engagement, she is, to speak plain language, debauched by a ghost, under the impious pretence, (Luke i. 35,) that &quot;the Holy Ghost shall come upon thee, and the power of the Highest shall overshadow thee.&quot; Notwithstanding which, Joseph afterwards marries her, cohabits with her as his wife, and in his turn rivals the ghost. This is putting the story into intelligible language, and when told in this manner, there is not a priest but must be ashamed to own it
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[w:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794) [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Home3/HTML.php?recordID=0548.04]

* Matthew says, that the angel that was sitting upon the stone on the outside of the sepulchre told the two Marys that Christ was risen, and that the women went ''away'' quickly. Mark says, that the women, upon seeing the stone rolled away, and wondering at it, went ''into'' the sepulchre, and that it was the angel that was ''sitting'' within on the right side, that told them so. Luke says, it was the two angels that were standing up; and John says, it was Jesus Christ himself that told it to Mary Magdalene; and that she did not go into the sepulchre, but only stooped down and looked in. &lt;br/&gt; Now, if the writers of these four books had gone into a court of justice to prove an ''alibi'', (for it is of the nature of an alibi that is here attempted to be proved, namely, the absence of a dead body by supernatural means,) and had they given their evidence in the same contradictory manner as it is here given, they would have been in danger of having their ears cropt for perjury, and would have justly deserved it. Yet this is the evidence, and these are the books, that have been imposed upon the world as being given by divine inspiration, and as the unchangeable word of God.
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[w:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794) [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Home3/HTML.php?recordID=0548.04]

*One could wish no easier death than that of Socrates, calmly discussing philosophy with his friends; one could fear nothing worse than that of Jesus, dying in torment, among the insults, the mockery, the curses of the whole nation. In the midst of these terrible sufferings, Jesus prays for his cruel murderers. Yes, if the life and death of Socrates are those of a philosopher, the life and death of Christ are those of a God.
** [[Jean-Jacques Rousseau]], ''[http://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/5427 Émile: Or, On Education]'' (1762), Book IV

===The Nineteenth Century===
[[File:Ribe domkirke prædikestol.jpg|thumb|A church order with priesthood, theology, cult and sacraments ... everything Jesus of Nazareth fought against. ~ [[Friedrich Nietzsche]]]]
:&lt;small&gt;Alphabetized by author&lt;/small&gt;

* I almost shudder at the thought of alluding to the most fatal example of the abuses of grief which the history of mankind has preserved — the Cross. Consider what calamities that engine of grief has produced!
** [[John Adams]], letter to [[Thomas Jefferson]] (September 3, 1816). Published in ''[http://books.google.com/books?vid=ISBN0807842303&amp;id=SzSWYPOz6M8C&amp;pg=PP1&amp;lpg=PP1&amp;ots=kTAZL3ImRq&amp;dq=%22Adams-Jefferson+letters%22&amp;sig=tVGzBe0XVhXaF2p0FQLGy4GK6bk#PRA2-PR17,M1 Adams-Jefferson Letters: The Complete Correspondence Between Thomas Jefferson and Abigail and John Adams]'' (UNC&amp;nbsp;Press, 1988), p.&amp;nbsp;488

* Jesus! How does the very word overflow with sweetness, and light, and love, and life; filling the air with odors, like precious ointment poured forth; irradiating the mind with a glory of truths on which no fear can live, soothing the wounds of the heart with a balm that turns the sharpest anguish into delicious peace, shedding through the soul a cordial of immortal strength. Jesus! the answer to all our. doubts, the spring of all our courage, the earnest of all our hopes, the charm omnipotent against all our foes, the remedy for all weakness, the supply of all our wants, the fullness of all our desires. Jesus! at the mention of whose name every knee shall bow and every tongue confess. Jesus! our power; Jesus! our righteousness, our sanctification, our redemption — Jesus! our elder brother, our blessed Lord and Redeemer. Thy name is the most transporting theme of the church, as they sing going up from the valley of tears, to their home on the mount of God; Thy name shall ever be the richest chord in the harmony of heaven, while the angels and the redeemed unite their exulting, adoring songs around the throne of God.
** [[George Washington Bethune]], reported in Josiah Hotchkiss Gilbert, ''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895), p. 54.

* The principle of [[brotherhood]] expounded by the agitator of Nazareth preserved the germ of life, of truth and justice, so long as it was the beacon light of [[Minority|the few]]. The moment the [[majority]] seized upon it, that great principle became a shibboleth and harbinger of blood and fire, spreading suffering and disaster.
** [[Emma Goldman]], ''{{w|Anarchism and Other Essays}}, [[:wikisource:Anarchism and Other Essays/2|Minorities Versus Majorities]], 1910, ''Mother Earth Publishing''

* The Man of Galilee, the Carpenter, the workingman who became the revolutionary agitator of his day soon found himself to be an undesirable citizen in the eyes of the ruling knaves and they had him crucified.
** [[Eugene V. Debs]], &quot;[http://www.marxists.org/archive/debs/works/1918/canton.htm The Canton, Ohio Speech, Anti-War Speech]&quot; in ''The Call'' (16 June 1918)

* I want to say to you, about myself, that I am a child of this age, a child of unfaith and scepticism, and probably (indeed I know it) shall remain so to the end of my life. How dreadfully has it tormented me (and torments me even now) this longing for faith, which is all the stronger for the proofs I have against it. And yet God gives me sometimes moments of perfect peace; in such moments I love and believe that I am loved; in such moments I have formulated my creed, wherein all is clear and holy to me. This creed is extremely simple; here it is: I believe that there is nothing lovelier, deeper, more sympathetic, more rational, more manly, and more perfect than the Saviour; I say to myself with jealous love that not only is there no one else like Him, but that there could be no one. I would even say more: '''If anyone could prove to me that [[Christ]] is outside the [[truth]], and if the truth really did exclude Christ, I should prefer to stay with Christ and not with truth.'''
** [[Fyodor Dostoevsky]] Letter To Mme. N. D. Fonvisin (1854), as published in Letters of Fyodor Michailovitch Dostoevsky to his Family and Friends (1914), translated by Ethel Golburn Mayne, Letter XXI, p. 71 [[http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Fyodor_Dostoevsky]]

* The divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity. Nowhere in the Gospels do we find a precept for Creeds, Confessions, Oaths, Doctrines, and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in Christianity.
** [[John Adams]], letter to [[Thomas Jefferson]]. Published in ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=26V5sFshT_4C&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;dq=%22The+Quotable+John+Adams%22#v=onepage&amp;q=&amp;f=false The Quotable John Adams]'' (Globe Pequot, 2008), p.&amp;nbsp;185ff

* Why is it that, next to the birthday of the Savior of the world, your most joyous and most venerated festival returns on this day [the Fourth of July]? Is it not that, in the chain of human events, the birthday of the nation is indissolubly linked with the birthday of the Savior? That it forms a leading event in the progress of the Gospel dispensation? Is it not that the Declaration of Independence first organized the social compact on the foundation of the Redeemer's mission upon earth? That it laid the cornerstone of human government upon the first precepts of Christianity?
** [[John Quincy Adams]] (1837, during a speech at Newburyport, Massachusetts. From: [http://www.eadshome.com/QuotesoftheFounders.htm])

* '''If there ever was an [[Christian anarchism|anarchist]] on Earth the gospel Jesus was one.'''
** Frank S. Billings, ''How Shall the Rich Escape?'' (1894), p. 54

* I know men and I tell you that Jesus Christ is no mere man. Between him and every other person in the world there is no possible term of comparison. [[Alexander the Great|Alexander]], [[Julius Caesar|Caesar]], [[Charlemagne]], and I, founded empires. But on what did we rest the creations of our genius? Upon force. Jesus Christ founded His empire upon love; and at this hour millions of people would die for Him.
** [[Napoleon Bonaparte]]

* My dear children, I am very anxious that you should know something about the History of Jesus Christ. For everybody ought to know about Him. No one ever lived, who was so good, so kind, so gentle, and so sorry for all people who did wrong, or were in any way ill or miserable, as he was. And as He is now in Heaven, where we hope to go, and all to meet each other after we are dead, and there be happy always together, you never can think what a good place Heaven is, without knowing who he was and what he did.
** [[Charles Dickens]], ''The Life of Our Lord'' (1849), Chapter 1, opening paragraph

*He comes silently and unannounced; yet all--how strange--yea, all recognize Him, at once! The population rushes towards Him as if propelled by some irresistible force; it surrounds, throngs, and presses around, it follows Him.... Silently, and with a smile of boundless compassion upon His lips, He crosses the dense crowd, and moves softly on. The Sun of Love burns in His heart, and warm rays of Light, Wisdom and Power beam forth from His eyes, and pour down their waves upon the swarming multitudes of the rabble assembled around, making their hearts vibrate with returning love.
*He pauses at the portal of the old cathedral, just as a wee white coffin is carried in, with tears and great lamentations. The lid is off, and in the coffin lies the body of a fair-child, seven years old... 'He will raise the child to life!' confidently shouts the crowd to the weeping mother. The officiating priest... looks perplexed, and frowns... The procession halts, and the little coffin is gently lowered at his feet. Divine compassion beams forth from His eyes, and as He looks at the child, His lips are heard to whisper once more, 'Talitha Cumi'--and 'straightway the damsel arose.' The child rises in her coffin...and, looking round with large astonished eyes she smiles sweetly...
*A terrible commotion rages among them, the populace shouts and loudly weeps, when suddenly, before the cathedral door, appears the Cardinal Grand Inquisitor himself... He pauses before the crowd and observes. He has seen all. He has witnessed the placing of the little coffin at His feet, the calling back to life. And now, his dark, grim face has grown still darker; his bushy grey eyebrows nearly meet, and his sunken eye flashes with sinister light. Slowly raising his finger, he commands his minions to arrest Him...
*The Grand Inquisitor... addresses Him in these words: &quot;'It is Thou! ... Thou!' ... Receiving no reply, he rapidly continues: 'Nay, answer not; be silent! ... And what couldst Thou say? ... I know but too well Thy answer.... Besides, Thou hast no right to add one syllable to that which was already uttered by Thee before.... Why shouldst Thou now return, to impede us in our work?... But art Thou as well aware of what awaits Thee in the morning?...to-morrow I will condemn and burn Thee on the stake, as the most wicked of all the heretics...
*...his words mean, in short: 'Everything was given over by Thee to the Pope, and everything now rests with him alone; Thou hast no business to return and thus hinder us in our work.' In this sense the Jesuits not only talk but write likewise.
*He [the Grand Inquisitor] seriously regards it as a great service done by himself, his brother monks and Jesuits, to humanity, to have conquered and subjected unto their authority that freedom, and boasts that it was done but for the good of the world... Man is born a rebel, and can rebels be ever happy?... 
*Having disburdened his heart, the Inquisitor waits for some time to hear his prisoner speak in His turn... The old man longs to hear His voice, to hear Him reply; better words of bitterness and scorn than His silence. Suddenly He rises; slowly and silently approaching the Inquisitor, He bends towards him and softly kisses the bloodless, four-score and-ten-year-old lips. That is all the answer.
**[[Feodor Dostoevsky]] in [https://onlinebooks.library.upenn.edu/webbin/gutbook/lookup?num=8578 ''The Grand Inquisitor''], (1879–1880)  

* One sacrifice, however great, is insufficient to pay the debt of sin. The atonement requires constant self-immolation on the sinner’s part. That God’s wrath should be vented upon His beloved Son, is divinely unnatural. Such a theory is man-made. … The material blood of Jesus was no more efficacious to cleanse from sin when it was shed upon ‘the accursed tree,’ than when it was flowing in his veins as he went daily about his Father’s business. … His disciples believed Jesus to be dead while he was hidden in the sepulchre, whereas he was alive[.]
** [[Mary Baker Eddy]] (1867), Founder of the [[w:Church of Christ, Scientist|Church of Christ, Scientist]], ''[[w:Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures|Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures]]'', pp. 23:3–6, 25:6–8, 44:28–29

* It is plain that God does not employ drugs or hygiene, nor provide them for human use; else Jesus would have recommended and employed them in his healing. The sick are more deplorably lost than the sinning, if the sick cannot rely on God for help and the sinning can. … The universal belief in physics weighs against the high and mighty truths of Christian metaphysics. This erroneous general belief, which sustains medicine and produces all medical results, works against Christian Science[.] … If we would heal by the Spirit, we must not hide the talent of spiritual healing under the napkin of its form. … The tender word and Christian encouragement of an invalid, pitiful patience with his fears and the removal of them, are better than hecatombs of gushing theories, stereotyped borrowed speeches, and the doling of arguments, which are but so many parodies on legitimate Christian Science, aflame with divine Love.
** [[Mary Baker Eddy]] (1867), Founder of the [[w:Church of Christ, Scientist|Church of Christ, Scientist]] on the denial of drugs, hygiene, and medicine to the sick and their replacement by spiritual healing, ''[[w:Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures|Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures]]'', pp. 143:5, 155:15

* The theory of three person in one God (that is, a personal Trinity or Tri-unity) suggests polytheism, rather than the one ever-present I AM. … Jesus Christ is not God, as Jesus himself declared, but is the Son of God.
** [[Mary Baker Eddy]] (1867), Founder of the [[w:Church of Christ, Scientist|Church of Christ, Scientist]], ''[[w:Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures|Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures]]'', pp. 256:9–11, 361:11–13

* '''Christ saw much in this world to weep over, and much to pray over: but he saw nothing in it to look upon with contempt.'''
** [[Edwin Hubbell Chapin]] as quoted in ''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895) by Josiah Hotchkiss Gilbert, p. 160

*As to Jesus of Nazareth, my Opinion of whom you particularly desire, I think the System of Morals and his Religion, as he left them to us, the best the world ever saw or is likely to see; but I apprehend it has received various corrupt changes...
**[[Benjamin Franklin]], quoted in ''Benjamin Franklin: An Exploration of a Life of Science and Service'' (1938) by [[Carl Van Doren]], p. 777.

* '''The spirit of contempt is the true spirit of Antichrist; for no other is more directly opposed to Christ.'''
** [[Henry Giles]], as quoted in ''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895) by Josiah Hotchkiss Gilbert, p. 160

* '''[[w:Christ|Christ]] plays in ten thousand places, &lt;br /&gt; Lovely in limbs, and lovely in eyes not his &lt;br /&gt; To the Father through the features of men's faces.'''
** [[Gerard Manley Hopkins]], in [http://www.embodiment-of-freedom.com/persfree/hopkins.html &quot;As Kingfishers Catch Fire, Dragonflies Draw Flame&quot;] (undated poem, ''c''. March–April 1877)

* He saw his followers using the instruments of pain. He heard the groans — saw the faces white with agony. He heard the shrieks and sobs and cries of all the moaning, martyred multitudes. He knew that commentaries would be written on his words with swords, to be read by the light of fagots. He knew that the Inquisition would be born of the teachings attributed to him.&lt;p&gt;He saw the interpolations and falsehoods that hypocrisy would write and tell. He saw all wars that would be waged, and he knew that above these fields of death, these dungeons, these rackings, these burnings, these executions, for a thousand years would float the dripping banner of the cross.&lt;p&gt;He knew that hypocrisy would be robed and crowned — that cruelty and credulity would rule the world; knew that liberty would perish from the earth; knew that popes and kings in his name would enslave the souls and bodies of men; knew that they would persecute and destroy the discoverers, thinkers and inventors; knew that his church would extinguish reason's holy light and leave the world without a star.&lt;p&gt;He saw his disciples extinguishing the eyes of men, flaying them alive, cutting out their tongues, searching for all the nerves of pain.&lt;p&gt;He knew that in his name his followers would trade in human flesh; that cradles would be robbed and women's breasts unbabed for gold.&lt;p&gt;And yet he died with voiceless lips.
** [[Robert Green Ingersoll]], ''About the Holy Bible'' (1894)
** More concisely put in ''A Christmas Sermon'': '''If Christ was in fact God, he knew the persecutions that would be carried on in his name; he knew the millions that would suffer death through torture; and yet he died without saying one word to prevent what he must have known, if he were God, would happen.'''

* '''His parentage was obscure; his condition poor; his education null; his natural endowments great; his life correct and innocent: he was meek, benevolent, patient, firm, disinterested, &amp; of the sublimest eloquence.''' &lt;br /&gt; The disadvantages under which his doctrines appear are remarkable. &lt;br /&gt; 1. Like [[Socrates]] &amp; [[Epictetus]], he wrote nothing himself. &lt;br /&gt; 2. But he had not, like them, a [[w:Xenophon|Xenophon]] or an [[w:Arrian|Arrian]] to write for him. On the contrary, all the learned of his country, entrenched in its power and riches, were opposed to him, lest his labors should undermine their advantages; and the committing to writing his life &amp; doctrines fell on the most unlettered &amp; ignorant men; who wrote, too, from memory, &amp; not till long after the transactions had passed. &lt;br /&gt; 3. According to the ordinary fate of those who attempt to enlighten and reform mankind, he fell an early victim to the jealousy &amp; combination of the altar and the throne, at about 33. years of age, his reason having not yet attained the maximum of its energy, nor the course of his preaching, which was but of 3. years at most, presented occasions for developing a complete system of morals. &lt;br /&gt; 4. Hence the doctrines which he really delivered were defective as a whole, and fragments only of what he did deliver have come to us mutilated, misstated, &amp; often unintelligible. &lt;br /&gt; 5. They have been still more disfigured by the corruptions of schismatising followers, who have found an interest in sophisticating &amp; perverting the simple doctrines he taught by engrafting on them the mysticisms of a Grecian sophist, frittering them into subtleties, &amp; obscuring them with jargon, until they have caused good men to reject the whole in disgust, &amp; to view Jesus himself as an impostor. &lt;br /&gt; Notwithstanding these disadvantages, a system of morals is presented to us, which, if filled up in the true style and spirit of the rich fragments he left us, would be the most perfect and sublime that has ever been taught by man. &lt;br /&gt; The question of his being a member of the Godhead, or in direct communication with it, claimed for him by some of his followers, and denied by others, is foreign to the present view, which is merely an estimate of the intrinsic merit of his doctrines. &lt;br /&gt; 1. He corrected the Deism of the Jews, confirming them in their belief of one only God, and giving them juster notions of his attributes and government. &lt;br /&gt; 2. His moral doctrines, relating to kindred &amp; friends, were more pure &amp; perfect than those of the most correct of the philosophers, and greatly more so than those of the Jews; and they went far beyond both in inculcating universal philanthropy, not only to kindred and friends, to neighbors and countrymen, but to all mankind, gathering all into one family, under the bonds of love, charity, peace, common wants and common aids. A development of this head will evince the peculiar superiority of the system of Jesus over all others. &lt;br /&gt; 3. The precepts of philosophy, &amp; of the Hebrew code, laid hold of actions only. He pushed his scrutinies into the heart of man; erected his tribunal in the region of his thoughts, and purified the waters at the fountain head. &lt;br /&gt; 4. He taught, emphatically, the doctrines of a future state, which was either doubted, or disbelieved by the Jews; and wielded it with efficacy, as an important incentive, supplementary to the other motives to moral conduct.
**[[Thomas Jefferson]], '[http://www.positiveatheism.org/hist/jeff1122.htm &quot;Syllabus of an Estimate of the Merit of the Doctrines of jesus, Compared with Those of Others&quot; in a letter to Benjamin Rush (12 April 1803)]. Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-09_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;9 ''Works'' Vol. 9 (PDF)], pp.&amp;nbsp;462.

* The Christian priesthood, finding the doctrines of Christ levelled to every understanding, and too plain to need explanation, saw in the mysticism of Plato, materials with which they might build up an artificial system, which might, from its indistinctness, admit everlasting controversy, give employment for their order, and introduce it to profit, power and pre-eminence. The doctrines which flowed from the lips of Jesus himself are within the comprehension of a child ; but thousands of volumes have not yet explained the Platonisms engrafted on them; and for this obvious reason, that nonsense can never be explained.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], letter to [[w:John Adams|John Adams]] (July 5, 1814). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-11_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;11], pp.&amp;nbsp;397–398.

* 48: And about the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, saying, '''''Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?''''' that is to say, '''My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?'''
:49: Some of them that stood there, when they heard that, said, This man calleth for Elias.
:50: And straightway one of them ran, and took a spunge, and filled it with vinegar, and put it on a reed, and gave him to drink.
:51: The rest said, Let be, let us see whether Elias will come to save him.
:52: Jesus, when he had cried again with a loud voice, yielded up the ghost.
:53: And many women were there beholding afar off, which followed Jesus from Galilee, ministering unto him:
:54: Among which was Mary Magdalene, and Mary the mother of James and Joses, and the mother of Zebedee's children.
:55: The Jews therefore, because it was the preparation, that the bodies should not remain upon the cross on the sabbath day, (for that sabbath day was an high day,) besought Pilate that their legs might be broken, and that they might be taken away.
:56: Then came the soldiers, and brake the legs of the first, and of the other which was crucified with him.
:57: But when they came to Jesus, and saw that he was dead already, they brake not his legs:
:58: But one of the soldiers with a spear pierced his side, and forthwith came there out blood and water.
:59: And after this Joseph of Arimathaea, being a disciple of Jesus, but secretly for fear of the Jews, besought Pilate that he might take away the body of Jesus: and Pilate gave him leave. He came therefore, and took the body of Jesus.
:60: And there came also Nicodemus, which at the first came to Jesus by night, and brought a mixture of myrrh and aloes, about an hundred pound weight.
:61: Then took they the body of Jesus, and wound it in linen clothes with the spices, as the manner of the Jews is to bury.
:62: Now in the place where he was crucified there was a garden; and in the garden a new sepulchre, wherein was never man yet laid.
:63: There laid they Jesus,
:64: And rolled a great stone to the door of the sepulchre, and departed.
:* [[Thomas Jefferson]], The &quot;[[w:Jefferson Bible|Jefferson Bible]]&quot; (''[http://etext.lib.virginia.edu/etcbin/toccer-new2?id=JefJesu.sgm&amp;images=images/modeng&amp;data=/texts/english/modeng/parsed&amp;tag=public&amp;part=all The Life and Morals of Jesus of Nazareth]'') on the crucifixion, death, and burial of Jesus, which omits all Biblical passages asserting Jesus' virgin birth, miracles, divinity, and resurrection.

* The priests have so disfigured the simple religion of Jesus that no one who reads the sophistications they have engrafted on it, from the jargon of [[Plato]], of [[Aristotle]] &amp; other mystics, would conceive these could have been fathered on the sublime preacher of the sermon on the mount.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], Letter to [[w:Benjamin Waterhouse|Benjamin Waterhouse]] (October 13, 1815). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-11_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;11], p.&amp;nbsp;492

* I, too, have made a wee-little book from the same materials, which I call the Philosophy of Jesus; it is a paradigma of his doctrines, made by cutting the texts out of the book, and arranging them on the pages of d blank book, in a certain order of time or subject. A more beautiful or precious morsel of ethics I have never seen; it is a document in proof that I am a real Christian, that is to say, a disciple of the doctrines of Jesus, very different from the Platonists, who call me infidel and themselves Christians and preachers of the gospel, while they draw all their characteristic dogmas from what its author never said nor saw. They have compounded from the heathen mysteries a system beyond the comprehension of man, of which the great reformer of the vicious ethics and deism of the Jews, were he to return on earth, would not recognize one feature.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], Letter to [[w:Charles Thomson|Charles Thomson]] (January 9, 1816), on his ''[http://etext.lib.virginia.edu/etcbin/toccer-new2?id=JefJesu.sgm&amp;images=images/modeng&amp;data=/texts/english/modeng/parsed&amp;tag=public&amp;part=all The Life and Morals of Jesus of Nazareth]'' (the &quot;[[w:Jefferson Bible|Jefferson Bible]]&quot;), which omits all Biblical passages asserting Jesus' virgin birth, miracles, divinity, and resurrection. Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-11_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;11], pp.&amp;nbsp;498–499

* The Pennsylvania legislature, who, on a proposition to make the belief in God a necessary qualification for office, rejected it by a great majority, although assuredly there was not a single atheist in their body. And you remember to have heard, that when the act for religious freedom was before the Virginia Assembly, a motion to insert the name of Jesus Christ before the phrase, &quot;the author of our holy religion,&quot; which stood in the bill, was rejected, although that was the creed of a great majority of them.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], Letter to [[w:Albert Gallatin|Albert Gallatin]] (June 16, 1817). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-12_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;12], p.&amp;nbsp;73

* But the greatest of all the reformers of the depraved religion of his own country, was Jesus of Nazareth. '''Abstracting what is really his from the rubbish in which it is buried, easily distinguished by its lustre from the dross of his biographers, and as separable from that as the diamond from the dunghill, we have the outlines of a system of the most sublime morality which has ever fallen from the lips of man; outlines which it is lamentable he did not live to fill up.''' [[Epictetus]] and [[Epicurus]] give laws for governing ourselves, Jesus a supplement of the duties and charities we owe to others. '''The establishment of the innocent and genuine character of this benevolent moralist, and the rescuing it from the imputation of imposture, which has resulted from artificial systems,* invented by ultra-Christian sects, unauthorized by a single word ever uttered by him, is a most desirable object''', and one to which [[Joseph Priestley|Priestley]] has successfully devoted his labors and learning. It would in time, it is to be hoped, effect a quiet euthanasia of the heresies of bigotry and fanaticism which have so long triumphed over human reason, and so generally and deeply afflicted mankind; but this work is to be begun by winnowing the grain from the chaff of the historians of his life. I have sometimes thought of translating Epictetus (for he has never been tolerable translated into English) by adding the genuine doctrines of Epicurus from the Syntagma of Gassendi, and an abstract from the Evangelists of whatever has the stamp of the eloquence and fine imagination of Jesus. The last I attempted too hastily some twelve or fifteen years ago. It was the work of two or three nights only, at Washington, after getting through the evening task of reading the letters and papers of the day. But with one foot in the grave, these are now idle projects for me. My business is to beguile the wearisomeness of declining life, as I endeavor to do, by the delights of classical reading and of mathematical truths, and by the consolations of a sound philosophy, equally indifferent to hope and fear.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], Letter to William Short, October 31, 1819. Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-12_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;12], pp.&amp;nbsp;141–142.
*** Jefferson's footnote on &quot;artificial systems&quot; for this passage: '''*''' ''e.g.'' The immaculate conception of Jesus, his deification, the creation of the world by him, his miraculous powers, his resurrection and visible ascension, his corporeal presence in the Eucharist, the Trinity; original sin, atonement, regeneration, election, orders of Hierarchy, etc. — T.J.

* '''My aim in that was, to justify the character of Jesus against the fictions of his pseudo-followers, which have exposed him to the inference of being an impostor.''' For if we could believe that he really countenanced the follies, the falsehoods and the charlatanisms which his biographers father on him, and admit the misconstructions, interpolations and theorizations of the fathers of the early, and fanatics of the latter ages, the conclusion would be irresistible by every sound mind, that he was an impostor. I give no credit to their falsifications of his actions and doctrines, and to rescue his character, the postulate in my letter asked only what is granted in reading every other historian. When [[Livy]] and [[w:Diodorus Siculus|Siculus]], for example, tell us things which coincide with our experience of the order of nature, we credit them on their word, and place their narrations among the records of credible history. But when they tell us of calves speaking, of statues sweating blood, and other things against the course of nature, we reject these as fables not belonging to history. … '''I say, that this free exercise of reason is all I ask for the vindication of the character of Jesus.''' We find in the writings of his biographers matter of two distinct descriptions. First, a groundwork of vulgar ignorance, of things impossible, of superstitions, fanaticisms and fabrications. Intermixed with these, again, are sublime ideas of the Supreme Being, aphorisms and precepts of the purest morality and benevolence, sanctioned by a life of humility, innocence and simplicity of manners, neglect of riches, absence of worldly ambition and honors, with an eloquence and persuasiveness which have not been surpassed. '''These could not be inventions of the groveling authors who relate them. They are far beyond the powers of their feeble minds. They shew that there was a character, the subject of their history, whose splendid conceptions were above all suspicion of being interpolations from their hands.''' Can we be at a loss in separating such materials, and ascribing each to its genuine author? The difference is obvious to the eye and to the understanding, and we may read as we run to each his part; and I will venture to affirm, that he who, as I have done, will undertake to winnow this grain from its chaff, will find it not to require a moment's consideration. The parts fall asunder of themselves, as would those of an image of metal and clay. … '''There are, I acknowledge, passages not free from objection, which we may, with probability, ascribe to Jesus himself; but claiming indulgence from the circumstances under which he acted.''' His object was the reformation of some articles in the religion of the Jews, as taught by [[Moses]]. That sect had presented for the object of their worship, a being of terrific character, cruel, vindictive, capricious and unjust. Jesus, taking for his type the best qualities of the human head and heart, wisdom, justice, goodness, and adding to them power, ascribed all of these, but in infinite perfection, to the Supreme Being, and formed him really worthy of their adoration. Moses had either not believed in a future state of existence, or had not thought it essential to be explicitly taught to his people. Jesus inculcated that doctrine with emphasis and precision. Moses had bound the Jews to many idle ceremonies, mummeries and observances, of no effect towards producing the social utilities which constitute the essence of virtue; Jesus exposed their futility and insignificance. The one instilled into his people the most anti-social spirit towards other nations; the other preached philanthropy and universal charity and benevolence. The office of reformer of the superstitions of a nation, is ever dangerous. Jesus had to walk on the perilous confines of reason and religion: and a step to right or left might place him within the gripe of the priests of the superstition, a blood thirsty race, as cruel and remorseless as the being whom they represented as the family God of Abraham, of Isaac and of Jacob, and the local God of Israel. They were constantly laying snares, too, to entangle him in the web of the law. He was justifiable, therefore, in avoiding these by evasions, by sophisms, by misconstructions and misapplications of scraps of the prophets, and in defending himself with these their own weapons, as sufficient, ad homines, at least. '''That Jesus did not mean to impose himself on mankind as the son of God, physically speaking, I have been convinced by the writings of men more learned than myself in that lore. But that he might conscientiously believe himself inspired from above, is very possible.'''
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], Letter to William Short, August 4, 1820, on his reason for compiling the ''Syllabus of an Estimate of the Merit of the Doctrines of Jesus''. Published in ''Thomas Jefferson: Writings'', Merrill D. Peterson, ed., New York: Library of America, 1994, pp.&amp;nbsp;1435–1440 [http://www.stephenjaygould.org/ctrl/jefferson_jesus.html]

* '''The doctrines of Jesus are simple, and tend all to the happiness of man.'''
::1. That there is one only God, and he all perfect.
::2, That there is a future state of rewards and punishments.
::3. That to love God with all thy heart and thy neighbor as thyself, is the sum of religion.
:These are the great points on which he endeavored to reform the religion of the Jews. But compare with these the demoralizing dogmas of [[John Calvin|Calvin]].
::1. That there are three Gods.
::2. That good works, or the love of our neighbor, are nothing.
::3. That faith is every thing, and the more incomprehensible the proposition, the more merit in its faith.
::4. That reason in religion is of unlawful use.
::5. That God, from the beginning, elected certain individuals to be saved, and certain others to be damned; and that no crimes of the former can damn them; no virtues of the latter save.
:Now, which of these is the true and charitable Christian? He who believes and acts on the simple doctrines of Jesus? Or the impious dogmatists, as [[w:Athanasius|Athanasius]] and Calvin? Verily I say these are the false shepherds foretold as to enter not by the door into the sheepfold, but to climb up some other way. They are mere usurpers of the Christian name, teaching a counter-religion made up of the deliria of crazy imaginations, as foreign from Christianity as is that of [[Muhammad|Mahomet]]. '''Their blasphemies have driven thinking men into infidelity, who have too hastily rejected the supposed author himself, with the horrors so falsely imputed to him. Had the doctrines of Jesus been preached always as pure as they came from his lips, the whole civilized world would now have been Christian.''' I rejoice that in this blessed country of free inquiry and belief, which has surrendered its creed and conscience to neither kings nor priests, the genuine doctrine of one only God is reviving, and I trust that there is not a young man now living in the United States who will not die an [[w:Unitarianism|Unitarian]].'''
:* [[Thomas Jefferson]], letter to [[w:Benjamin Waterhouse|Benjamin Waterhouse]], (June 26, 1822). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-12_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;12], pp.&amp;nbsp;241–243

* '''The truth is, that the greatest enemies of the doctrine of Jesus are those, calling themselves the expositors of them, who have perverted them to the structure of a system of fancy absolutely incomprehensible, and without any foundation in his genuine words.''' And the day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the supreme being as his father in the womb of a virgin will be classed with the fable of the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter... But may we hope that the dawn of reason and freedom of thought in these United States will do away with this artificial scaffolding, and restore to us the primitive and genuine doctrines of this most venerated reformer of human errors.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], letter to [[John Adams]] (11 April 1823) [http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2005/02/04/opinion/main671823.shtml]

* '''Over the years, alas, it has happened again and again, and the repetition continues, that someone goes ahead, someone for whom another person longs, whom he wishes to follow, but never has any human being, never has any loved one, never has any teacher, never has any friend gone ahead-in order to prepare a place for the one following. Just as the name of Christ is the one and only name in heaven and on earth, so also is Christ the one and only predecessor who has gone ahead in this way. Between heaven and earth there is only one road: to follow Christ. In time and eternity there is only one choice, one single choice: to choose this road. There is only one eternal hope on this earth: to follow Christ into heaven. There is one blessed joy in this life: to follow Christ; in death there is one final blessed joy-to follow Christ to life!''' 
** [[Søren Kierkegaard]] ''Upbuilding Discourses in Various Spirits'' 1847, Hong 1993 p. 229

* '''Christ said: Whoever denies me before people I also will deny before my heavenly Father-even if it were not so, it would still follow solely of itself, follow from the inner urge in the Christian that he would do this. On the other hand, although the confession is commanded and enjoined with the full emphasis of eternity, if the confession is not the consequence of that inner urge, then a confession of that kind is not what is required. Therefore, if someone could presumptuously want to delude himself into thinking that the most sagacious thing, because after all it is required, the most sagacious thing, in view of eternity’s judgment, would be to confess Christ: then such a person does not only not confess Christ but blasphemously distorts him, as if Christ were a vain power seeker who craved a great name in the world. No, that was not why Christ required the confession, and that is not the way he required it. On the contrary, he actually required that his followers have such inwardness that confession follows of itself-when it is required.''' The same inwardness can also be silent and just as pleasing to God, but this same true inwardness surely cannot be silent-when confession is required. Indeed, how could a person’s faith be strong enough to believe unto salvation, strong and disregardful enough in this way (alas, this may be just about the most difficult kind of disregard, to pay no attention to one’s own fantasies about merit or to the mitigating inventions of one’s passions or to the horrifying images of terrified imagination in the consciousness of guilt, but without this disregard one cannot have faith unto salvation) if a person does not have a faith strong and disregardful enough to dare to confess-'''if''' it is required. 
** [[Soren Kierkegaard]] ''Upbuilding Discourses in Various Spirits'' 1847, Hong 1993 p. 321-322

* For God has other Words for other worlds, &lt;br /&gt; But for this world the Word of God is Christ.
** [[w:Harriet King (poet)|Harriet King]], ''The Disciples'' (1873), Ugo Bassi, III (&quot;The Sermon in the Hospital&quot;)

* I know there is a God, and that He hates injustice and slavery. I see the storm coming, and I know that His hand is in it. If He has a place and work for me–and I think He has–I believe I am ready. I am nothing, but truth is everything. I know I am right because I know that liberty is right, for Christ teaches it, and Christ is God. I have told them that a house divided against itself cannot stand, and Christ and reason say the same; and they will find it so. Douglas doesn't care whether slavery is voted up or voted down, but God cares, and humanity cares, and I care; and with God’s help I shall not fail. I may not see the end; but it will come and I shall be vindicated; and these men will find that they have not read their Bibles aright.
:* [[Abraham Lincoln]] anecdote registered by novelist Josiah Gilbert Holland, in his Life of Abraham Lincoln (1866), Chapter XVI, p. 287. University of Nebraska Press, as something that Lincoln said in a conversation with educator Newman Bateman, in the Autumn of 1860.

[[File:Square1.jpg|thumb|All sorrow, labor, suffering, I, tallying it, absorb in myself, &lt;br /&gt; Many times have I been rejected, taunted, put in prison, and crucified, and many times shall be again.. .~ [[Walt Whitman]] in [[Leaves_of_Grass#Chanting_the_Square_Deific|''Leaves of Grass'', &quot;Chanting the Square Deific&quot;]]'' ]]
[[File:Cristo Redentor - Rio.jpg|thumb|My charity has no death — my wisdom dies not, neither early nor late, and my sweet love bequeath'd here and elsewhere never dies. ~ [[Walt Whitman]] in [[Leaves_of_Grass#Chanting_the_Square_Deific|''Leaves of Grass'', &quot;Chanting the Square Deific&quot;]]'' ]]
[[File:William-Adolphe Bouguereau (1825-1905) - Compassion (1897).jpg|thumb|My spirit to yours dear brother, Do not mind because many sounding your name do not understand you, I do not sound your name, but I understand you... ~ [[Walt Whitman]] in [[Leaves_of_Grass#To_Him_That_Was_Crucified_.281860.3B_1881.29|''Leaves of Grass'', &quot;To Him That Was Crucified&quot;]] ]]
* There is truth in Jesus which is terrible, as well as truth that is soothing'''; terrible, for He shall be Judge as well as Saviour; and ye cannot face Him, ye cannot stand before Him, unless ye now give ear to His invitation.
** [[Henry Melvill]], as quoted in ''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895) by Josiah Hotchkiss Gilbert

* '''The Bible tells me explicitly that [[w:Christ|Christ]] was God; and it tells me, as explicitly that Christ was man. It does not go on to state the modus or manner of the union.''' I stop, therefore, where the Bible stops. I bow before a God-man as my Mediator, but I own as inscrutable the mysteries of His person.
** [[Henry Melvill]], as quoted in ''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895) by Josiah Hotchkiss Gilbert

* '''The Author of the Sermon on the Mount is assuredly a far more benign being than the Author of Nature.''' But unfortunately, the believer in the Christian revelation is required to believe that the same being is the author of both! If he doesn’t resolutely avert his mind from this subject or practise the act of quieting his conscience by sophistry, he will be involved in endless moral perplexities, because the ways of his Deity in Nature are often totally at variance with what he thinks to be the commands of that same Deity in the Gospel. Those who suffer the least moral damage from this tangle are probably those who never try to reconcile the two standards — ''the one set by Nature, and the one set by Jesus in the Gospels'' — with one another, but admits to himself that the purposes of Providence are mysterious, that its ways are not our ways, that its justice and goodness are not the justice and goodness that we can understand and that it is fitting for us to practise. When this is how the believer feels, however, the worship of God stops being the adoration of abstract moral perfection. It becomes a matter of the bowing down to a gigantic image of something not fit for us to imitate. It is the worship of pure power. &lt;br /&gt; '''I say nothing of the moral difficulties and perversions involved in revelation itself; though even in the Christianity of the Gospels, at least in its ordinary interpretation, there are some that are so flagrant that they almost outweigh all the beauty and benignity and moral greatness that so clearly distinguish the sayings and character of Christ.''' For example, thinking &quot;This is the object of highest worship!&quot; of a being who could make a Hell and create countless generations of human beings with the certain foreknowledge that he was creating them to be sent to Hell. '''Is there any moral atrocity that couldn’t be justified by the imitation of such a Deity? And could we possibly adore such a being without frightfully distorting the standard of right and wrong? Any other of the outrages to the most ordinary justice and humanity involved in the common Christian idea of God’s moral character sinks into insignificance beside this dreadful ''Hell-focused'' idealization of wickedness.'''
** [[John Stuart Mill]], ''[http://www.earlymoderntexts.com/milless.html The Usefulness of Religion]'' (1874)

* ''Wir haben also als Missverständnis: … eine kirchliche Ordnung, mit Priesterschaft, Theologie, Cultus, Sakramenten; kurz, alles das, was Jesus von Nazareth bekämpft hatte.'' (Original: German)
** We therefore have a misunderstanding: ... a church order with priesthood, theology, cult and sacraments; shortly, everything Jesus of Nazareth fought against.
** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], Nachlass, KSA 13: 11[295].

* '''Jesus Christ raised women above the condition of mere slaves, mere ministers to the passions of the man, raised them by His sympathy, to be Ministers of God.'''
** [[Florence Nightingale]], in ''Cassandra'' (1860)

* People talk about imitating Christ, and imitate Him in the little trifling formal things, such as washing the feet, saying His prayer, and so on; but '''if anyone attempts the real imitation of Him, there are no bounds to the outcry with which the presumption of that person is condemned.'''
** [[Florence Nightingale]], in ''Cassandra'' (1860)

* '''The Church is now more like the Scribes and Pharisees than like Christ... What are now called the &quot;essential doctrines&quot; of the Christian religion he does not even mention.'''
** [[Florence Nightingale]], as quoted in The Life of Florence Nightingale (1913) by Edward Tyas Cook, p. 392

* In his last moments he cries out, &quot;My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me!&quot; What conclusion is it natural to draw from this distressing exclamation? It appears to be this, that on the part of Jesus Christ, there was a virtual renunciation of his confidence in the Creator; and on the supposition that there was originally a concerted plan of execution well understood by both the parties, the fulfilment of it seems here to have been relinquished, and the beneficial effects annihilated. On the part of Jesus, it is saying, &quot;I have been deceived in this undertaking. I did not expect that I should have been forsaken in this hour of my greatest distress; but I rested with confidence on eternal wisdom, for a timely escape from this wretched misfortune.&quot; On the part of the Father, there is a want of attention and support in this trying hour. He forsakes his beloved Son; he gives him up to the murderous fury of vindictive enemies; and neither the one nor the other of the parties exhibits that spirit of fortitude and constancy which might justly have been expected on so interesting an occasion. The reflecting mind concludes, therefore, that the whole is but a fiction, and that no such stipulation ever took place between the man Jesus Christ, and the Creator of the world.
** [[w:Elihu Palmer|Elihu Palmer]], ''[[s:Principles of nature; or, a development of the morals causes of happiness and misery among the human species|Principles of nature; or, a development of the morals causes of happiness and misery among the human species]]'' (1801)

* He declared that in the present world evil is the reigning power. Satan is &quot;the prince of this world,&quot; and everything obeys him. The kings kill the prophets. The priests and the doctors do not that which they command others to do; the righteous are persecuted, and the only portion of the good is weeping. The &quot;world&quot; is in this manner the enemy of God and his saints; but God will awaken and avenge his saints. The day is at hand, for the abomination is at its height. The reign of goodness will have its turn. &lt;br /&gt; The advent of this reign of goodness will be a great and sudden revolution. The world will seem to be turned upside down: the actual state being bad, in order to represent the future, it suffices to conceive nearly the reverse of that which exists. The first shall be last. A new order shall govern humanity. &lt;br /&gt; '''Jesus, in some respects, was an [[Christian anarchism|anarchist]], for he had no idea of civil government. That government seems to him purely and simply an abuse.''' &lt;br /&gt; A great social revolution, in which rank will be overturned, in which all authority in this world will be humiliated, was his dream.
** [[Ernest Renan]], in ''The Life of Jesus'' (1863), [[s:Life_of_Jesus/Chapter_7|Ch. XII: Development of the ideas of Jesus respecting the Kingdom of God]]

*For, if Christ be simply an ideal picture, the man who sketched it will be as difficult to account for as the Being himself.
**George Sexton, a leading 19th century skeptic who converted to orthodox Christianity. [http://www.christianitytoday.com/history/newsletter/2005/may20.html Victorian Skeptics on the Road to Damascus]

* '''Must then a Christ perish in torment in every age to save those that have no imagination?'''
** [[George Bernard Shaw]], in ''Saint Joan : A Chronicle Play In Six Scenes And An Epilogue'' (1923)

* No sooner had Jesus knocked over the dragon of superstition than [[Paul of Tarsus|Paul]] boldly set it on its legs again in the name of Jesus.
** [[George Bernard Shaw]], ''Androcles and the Lion'' (1913)

* '''If Christ were here now there is one thing he would not be — a Christian.'''
** [[Mark Twain]], ''Notebook''

* '''I am an historian, I am not a believer, but I must confess as a historian that this penniless preacher from Nazareth is irrevocably the very center of history.''' Jesus Christ is easily the most dominant figure in all history.
** [[H.G. Wells]], British author (1866–1946) (from: [http://jmm.aaa.net.au/articles/13353.htm])

* '''Consolator most mild, the promis'd one advancing, &lt;br /&gt; With gentle hand extended, the mightier God am I, &lt;br /&gt; Foretold by prophets and poets in their most rapt prophecies and poems, &lt;br /&gt; From this side, lo! the [[Jesus|Lord]] [[w:Christ|Christ]] gazes''' — lo! [[w:Hermes|Hermes]] I — lo! mine is [[w:Hercules|Hercules]]' face, &lt;br /&gt; '''All sorrow, labor, suffering, I, tallying it, absorb in myself, &lt;br /&gt; Many times have I been rejected, taunted, put in prison, and crucified, and many times shall be again''', &lt;br /&gt; All the world have I given up for my dear brothers' and sisters' sake, for the soul's sake, &lt;br /&gt; Wending my way through the homes of men, rich or poor, with the kiss of affection, &lt;br /&gt; For I am affection, I am the cheer-bringing God, with hope and all-enclosing charity, &lt;br /&gt; With indulgent words as to children, with fresh and sane words, mine only, &lt;br /&gt; '''Young and strong I pass knowing well I am destin'd myself to an early death; &lt;br /&gt; But my charity has no death — my wisdom dies not, neither early nor late, &lt;br /&gt; And my sweet love bequeath'd here and elsewhere never dies.'''
** [[Walt Whitman]] in [[Leaves_of_Grass#Chanting_the_Square_Deific|''Leaves of Grass'', &quot;Chanting the Square Deific&quot;]]'' ]]

*''' My spirit to yours dear brother, &lt;br /&gt; Do not mind because many sounding your name do not understand you, &lt;br /&gt; I do not sound your name, but I understand you,''' &lt;br /&gt; I specify you with joy O my comrade to salute you, and to salute those who are with you, before and since, and those to come also, &lt;br /&gt; That '''we all labor together transmitting the same charge and succession, &lt;br /&gt; We few equals indifferent of lands, indifferent of times, &lt;br /&gt; We, enclosers of all continents, all castes, allowers of all theologies,''' &lt;br /&gt; Compassionaters, perceivers, rapport of men, &lt;br /&gt; '''We walk silent among disputes and assertions, but reject not the disputers nor any thing that is asserted, &lt;br /&gt; We hear the bawling and din, we are reach'd at by divisions, jealousies, recriminations on every side, &lt;br /&gt; They close peremptorily upon us to surround us, my comrade, &lt;br /&gt; Yet we walk unheld, free, the whole earth over, journeying up and down till we make our ineffaceable mark upon time and the diverse eras, &lt;br /&gt; Till we saturate time and eras, that the men and women of races, ages to come, may prove brethren and lovers as we are.'''
** [[Walt Whitman]] in [[Leaves_of_Grass#To_Him_That_Was_Crucified_.281860.3B_1881.29|''Leaves of Grass'', &quot;To Him That Was Crucified&quot;]] (1860; 1881)

* When Jesus talks about the poor he simply means personalities, just as when he talks about the rich he simply means people who have not developed their personalities. Jesus moved in a community that allowed the accumulation of private property just as ours does, and the gospel that he preached was not that in such a community it is an advantage for a man to live on scanty, unwholesome food, to wear ragged, unwholesome clothes, to sleep in horrid, unwholesome dwellings, and a disadvantage for a man to live under healthy, pleasant, and decent conditions. Such a view would have been wrong. ... What Jesus meant, was this. He said to man, ‘You have a wonderful personality. Develop it. Be yourself. Don’t imagine that your perfection lies in accumulating or possessing external things. Your perfection is inside of you. If only you could realise that, you would not want to be rich. Ordinary riches can be stolen from a man. Real riches cannot. In the treasury-house of your soul, there are infinitely precious things, that may not be taken from you. And so, try to so shape your life that external things will not harm you. And try also to get rid of [[personal property]]. It involves sordid preoccupation, endless industry, continual wrong. Personal property hinders Individualism at every step.’
** [[Oscar Wilde]], ''The Soul of Man Under Socialism'', ¶ 22

=== The Book of Mormon and LDS Scripture ===
:&lt;small&gt;This section contains quotes about Jesus that occur in the ''[[w:Book of Mormon|Book of Mormon]] and LDS Scripture&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Christus statue temple square salt lake city.jpg|244px|thumb|The fundamental principles of our religion are the testimony of the Apostles and Prophets, concerning Jesus Christ, that He died, was buried, and rose again the third day, and ascended into heaven; and all other things which pertain to our religion are only appendages to it. ~ [[Joseph Smith]] ]]
==== The Book of Mormon (1830) ====

* If so, wo shall come upon you; but if not so, then cast about your eyes and begin to believe in the Son of God, that he will come to redeem his people, and that he shall suffer and die to atone for their sins; and that he shall rise again from the dead, which shall bring to pass the resurrection, that all men shall stand before him, to be judged at the last and judgment day, according to their works.
** The ''[[s:Book of Mormon|Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Alma|Alma]] [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Alma#Thirty-three|33:22]]

* And behold, he shall be born of Mary, at Jerusalem which is the land of our forefathers, she being a virgin, a precious and chosen vessel, who shall be overshadowed and conceive by the power of the Holy Ghost, and bring forth a son, yea, even the Son of God.
** The ''[[s:Book of Mormon|Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Alma|Alma]] [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Alma#Chapter_Seven|7:10]]

* And moreover, I say unto you, that there shall be no other name given nor any other way nor means whereby salvation can come unto the children of men, only in and through the name of Christ, the Lord Omnipotent.
** The ''[[s:Book of Mormon|Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Mosiah|Mosiah]] [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Mosiah#Chapter_Three|3:17]]

* And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall.
** The ''[[s:Book of Mormon|Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Helaman|Helaman]] [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Helaman#Chapter_Five|5:12]]

* And if there were miracles wrought then, why has God ceased to be a God of miracles and yet be an unchangeable Being? And behold, I say unto you he changeth not; if so he would cease to be God; and he ceaseth not to be God, and is a God of miracles.&lt;br/&gt; And the reason why he ceaseth to do miracles among the children of men is because that they dwindle in unbelief, and depart from the right way, and know not the God in whom they should trust. 	Jesus doesn't do miracles any more because everyone has dwindled in unbelief.&lt;br/&gt; Behold, I say unto you that whoso believeth in Christ, doubting nothing, whatsoever he shall ask the Father in the name of Christ it shall be granted him; and this promise is unto all, even unto the ends of the earth.
** The ''[[s:Book of Mormon|Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Mormon|Mormon]] [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Mormon#Chapter_Nine|9:19–21]]

* And now, my beloved brethren, and also Jew, and all ye ends of the earth, hearken unto these words and believe in Christ; and if ye believe not in these words believe in Christ. And if ye shall believe in Christ ye will believe in these words, for they are the words of Christ, and he hath given them unto me; and they teach all men that they should do good. And if they are not the words of Christ, judge ye—for Christ will show unto you, with power and great glory, that they are his words, at the last day; and you and I shall stand face to face before his bar; and ye shall know that I have been commanded of him to write these things, notwithstanding my weakness.
** The ''[[Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book of Mormon/2 Nephi|2 Nephi]] [[s:Book of Mormon/2 Nephi#Chapter Thirty-three|33:10-11]]

* And we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ, and we write according to our prophecies, that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins.
** The ''[[Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book of Mormon/2 Nephi|2 Nephi]] [[s:Book of Mormon/2 Nephi#Chapter twenty-five|25:26]]

* Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life.
** The ''[[Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book of Mormon/2 Nephi|2 Nephi]] [[s:Book of Mormon/2 Nephi#Chapter Thirty-one|31:20]]

* Yea, come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, and deny yourselves of all ungodliness; and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness, and love God with all your might, mind and strength, then is his grace sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ; and if by the grace of God ye are perfect in Christ, ye can in nowise deny the power of God. And again, if ye by the grace of God are perfect in Christ, and deny not his power, then are ye sanctified in Christ by the grace of God, through the shedding of the blood of Christ, which is in the covenant of the Father unto the remission of your sins, that ye become holy, without spot.
** The ''[[s:Book of Mormon|Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Moroni|Moroni]] [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Moroni#Chapter_Ten|10:32-33]]

====Doctrine and Covenants (1835)====
* Hearken, O ye elders of my church, saith the Lord your God, who have assembled yourselves together, according to my commandments, in this land, which is the land of Missouri, which is the land which I have appointed and consecrated for the gathering of the saints.&lt;br/&gt; Wherefore, this is the land of promise, and the place for the city of Zion.&lt;br/&gt; And thus saith the Lord your God, if you will receive wisdom here is wisdom. Behold, the place which is now called Independence is the center place; and a spot for the temple is lying westward, upon a lot which is not far from the courthouse.
** [[w:Joseph Smith|Joseph Smith]]'s revelation that that Jesus will come to Independence, Missouri when he returns to reign on earth, The ''[[w:Doctrine and Covenants|Doctrine and Covenants]]'', [[s:http://en.wikisource.org/wiki/The_Doctrine_and_Covenants/Section_57|57:1–3]], revelation through Joseph Smith, in Zion, Jackson County, Missouri (July 20, 1831)

====Pearl of Great Price (1838)====
* It no sooner appeared than I found myself delivered from the enemy which held me bound. When the light rested upon me I saw two Personages, whose brightness and glory defy all description, standing above me in the air. One of them spake unto me, calling me by name and said, pointing to the other—''This is My Beloved Son. Hear Him!'' My object in going to inquire of the Lord was to know which of all the sects was right, that I might know which to join. No sooner, therefore, did I get possession of myself, so as to be able to speak, than I asked the Personages who stood above me in the light, which of all the sects was right (for at this time it had never entered into my heart that all were wrong)—and which I should join. I was answered that I must join none of them, for they were all wrong; and the Personage who addressed me said that all their creeds were an abomination in his sight; that those professors were all corrupt; that: “they draw near to me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me, they teach for doctrines the commandments of men, having a form of godliness, but they deny the power thereof.”
** Vers 17 to 19 from [[w:Joseph Smith—History|Joseph Smith—History]] from the [[w:Pearl of Great Price (Mormonism)|Pearl of Great Price]], also called the [[w:First Vision|First Vision]]

====[[w:History of the Church (Joseph Smith)|History of the Church]] (1839)====
* The fundamental principles of our religion are the testimony of the Apostles and Prophets, concerning Jesus Christ, that He died, was buried, and rose again the third day, and ascended into heaven; and all other things which pertain to our religion are only appendages to it.
** [[w:Joseph Smith|Joseph Smith]] from [[w:History of the Church (Joseph Smith)|History of the Church]] 3:30

===The Twentieth Century===
[[File:Weston Zanzibar.jpg|thumb|You cannot claim to worship Jesus in the tabernacle if you do not pity Jesus in the slum. ~ [[Frank Weston]]]]
[[File:Adolf Hitler - Mary with Jesus (1913).jpg|thumb|If Jesus came back and saw what's going on in his name, he'd never stop throwing up. ~ [[Woody Allen]] ]]
[[File:Friedrich Kreuz im Wald.jpg|thumb|I am far within the mark when I say that all the armies that ever marched, and all the navies that ever were built, and all the parliaments that ever sat, all the kings that ever reigned, put together have not affected the [[life]] of man upon this [[earth]] as powerfully as has that One Solitary Life. ~ James Allan Francis ]]
[[File:Wassilij Dimitriewitsch Polenow 005.jpg|thumb|[[Christian anarchism]] is based upon the answer of Jesus to the Pharisees, when He said that he without [[sin]] should be the first to cast the stone, and upon the [[Sermon on the Mount]], which advises the return of [[good]] for [[evil]] and the turning of the other cheek. ~ [[Ammon Hennacy]] ]]
[[File:Brooklyn Museum - Jesus Goes Up Alone onto a Mountain to Pray (Jésus monte seul sur une montagne pour prier) - James Tissot - overall.jpg|thumb|The last two thousand years have brought about a [[duality]] in man such as he never [[experienced]] before, and yet the man who dominates this whole period was one who stood for [[wholeness]], one who proclaimed the [[Holy Ghost]]. No [[life]] in the whole [[history]] of man has been so misinterpreted, so [[woefully]] misunderstood as [[Christ]]'s. ~ [[Henry Miller]] ]]
[[File:Jesus mosaic (584).jpg|thumb|The real [[significance]] of Jesus is obscured by the widespread [[belief]] that [[organized]] [[Christianity]] truly reflects his religion. ~ [[Kirby Page]]]]
[[File:Ary Scheffer - The Temptation of Christ (1854).jpg|thumb|In the most deeply significant of the legends concerning Jesus, we are told how the [[devil]] took him up into a high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the [[world]] in a moment of [[time]]… ~ [[Upton Sinclair]] ]]
[[File:Moreau Pieta.jpg|thumb|Jesus, as we know, answered and said &quot;Get thee behind me, [[Satan]]!&quot; And he really meant it; he would have nothing to do with worldly [[glory]], with &quot;temporal [[power]];&quot; he chose the career of a revolutionary agitator, and died the [[death]] of a disturber of the [[peace]]. ~ [[Upton Sinclair]] ]]
[[File:Jesus wanted poster.jpg|thumb|'''Jesus [[w:Christ|Christ]]''' : Wanted — For Sedition, [[Christian anarchism|Criminal Anarchy]] — Vagrancy, and Conspiring to Overthrow the Established Government. ~ [[w:Art Young|Art Young]] ]]

* '''If Jesus came back and saw what's going on in his [[name]], he'd never stop throwing up.'''
**[[Woody Allen]], in ''[[Hannah and Her Sisters]]'' (1986)

* Paul, {{anchor|AndersonJND1950}}in the fifteenth chapter of his Epistle to the Corinthians, gives a detailed list of several resurrection appearances. Now there is scarcely a scholar who has doubted the genuineness of 1 Corinthians, and its date is generally accepted as about 56 A.D. But the apostle writes that he had not only previously given his readers this information orally (i.e., in 49 A.D.), but had himself 'received' it, presumably from those who were apostles before him. This may take us back to 40 A.D. or to within some ten years of the crucifixion.... Paul tells us that in 56 A.D. the majority of some 500 original witnesses were still alive....
** [[w:Norman Anderson (missionary)|Sir Norman Anderson,]] O.B.E., Q.C., LL.D., F.B.A., [http://www.biblicalstudies.org.uk/article_resurrection_anderson.html &quot;The Evidence for the Resurrection&quot;, IVP, 1950.]

* '''Jesus Christ is to me the outstanding personality of all time, all history, both as Son of God and as Son of Man.''' Everything he ever said or did has value for us today and that is something you can say of no other man, dead or alive. There is no easy middle ground to stroll upon. You either accept Jesus or reject him.
** [[w:Sholem Asch|Sholem Asch]], in an interview with Frank S. Mead of ''The Christian Herald'' (1944), as quoted in ''The Controversial Sholem Asch : An Introduction to his Fiction'' (1976) by Ben Siegel, p. 148

*Many years of work as an evangelist and as a teacher in the field of Christian principles, and a difficult cycle in which I faced the problem of my own relation to Christ and to Christianity, have brought me to two definitely clear and clean-cut recognitions: first, a recognition of the reality of the Individuality of Christ and of His Mission; and secondly, a recognition that the development of the Christ Consciousness and the Christ Nature in individual man, and in the race as a whole, carries with it the solution of our world problem... The kingdom of God is now in process of rapid formation, as all those with forward-seeing vision and a realisation of the rapidly emerging beauty and divinity of man can bear testimony. We are passing through the transition period between the old age and [[Age of Aquarius|the new]], and the true mission of Christ, so deeply and frequently obscured by theological implications and disputations, embodies in itself the coming revelation. The development of humanity guarantees the recognition of Christ and His work and its participation, consciously, in the kingdom of God. (Forward)
**[[Alice Bailey]], in ''From Bethlehem to Calvary.'' (1937)

*A myth is capable of becoming a fact in the experience of an individual, for a myth is a fact which can be proven. Upon the myths we take our stand, but we must seek to re-interpret them in the light of the present. Through self-initiated experiment we can prove their validity; through experience we can establish them as governing forces in our lives; and through their expression we can demonstrate their truth to others. This is the theme of this book, dealing as it does with the facts of the Gospel story, that fivefold sequential myth which teaches us the revelation of divinity in the Person of Jesus Christ, and which remains eternally truth, in the cosmic sense, in the historical sense, and in its practical application to the individual. This myth divides itself into five great episodes: 1. The Birth at Bethlehem. 2. The Baptism in Jordan. 3. The Transfiguration on Mount Carmel. 4. The Crucifixion on Mount Golgotha. 5. The Resurrection and Ascension. (Chapter One)
**[[Alice Bailey]], in ''From Bethlehem to Calvary.'' (1937)

*He is the World Teacher and not a Christian teacher. He Himself told us that He had other folds, and to them He has meant as much as He has meant to the orthodox Christian. They may not call Him Christ, but they have their own name for Him and follow Him as truly and faithfully as their Western brethren. 
**[[Alice Bailey]] in [https://www.lucistrust.org/online_books/the_reappearance_the_christ  &quot;The Reappearance of the Christ&quot;] (1948) p. 62

*In the future, the eyes of humanity will be fixed upon the Christ, and not upon any such man-made institutions as the Church and its dignitaries; Christ will be seen as He is in reality, working through His disciples, through [[Masters of Wisdom|the Masters of the Wisdom]], and through His followers who toil unseen (and usually unrecognised) behind world affairs. The sphere of His activity will be known to be the human heart and also the crowded market places of the world, but not some stone edifice, and not the pomp and ceremony of any ecclesiastical headquarters.
**[[Alice Bailey]] in [https://www.lucistrust.org/online_books/the_reappearance_the_christ  &quot;The Reappearance of the Christ&quot;] (1948) p. 66

* '''In Jesus, God wills to be true God not only in the height but also in the depth — in the depth of human creatureliness, sinfulness and mortality.'''
** [[Karl Barth]], as quoted in ''Basket of Gems'' (2009) by Mark Stibbe, p. 89

*And so, looking over the world at the moment, there seems little likelihood that when He comes He will be welcome. A few will recognise Him as they ever have done, and maybe, as the characteristics of the coming race are those of spirituality, there will be more to welcome Him, for the spiritual life is spreading to-day, and those who are of the Spirit will know the law of the Spirit; and I would fain leave you with the thought tonight that that is a truth, that the Supreme Teacher will again ere very long be incarnate upon earth, again made manifest as Teacher, again walking and living amongst us as last He walked in Palestine. Splendid as is the hope, mighty as is the inspiration, there is nothing too glorious to be possible for the ever-unfolding Spirit in man, and the hope of to-day is that that spirit is spreading, despite the characteristics of our time; that men are becoming more liberal, more tolerant, more ready to recognise that which is true and just. 
**[[Annie Besant]], in [http://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/57667 ''The Changing World and Lectures to Theosophical Students, Lecture VI, The Coming Christ,''] (May, June, and July 1909)

*It may well be that we have reached such a time... that the popular mind of the day will be transcended by large numbers of the more spiritually minded, and that when He comes again He will be able to stay amongst us more than the three brief years that marked His last ministry. That, then, is the word, the thought I leave with you: to develop in yourselves the Spirit of the Christ, and then at His coming you shall recognise His beauty. Learn compassion, learn tenderness, learn good thoughts of others rather than evil, learn to be tender with the weak, learn to be reverent to the great; and if you can develop those qualities in you, then the coming Christ may be able to number you among His disciples, and the welcome that the earth shall give Him shall not again be a cross.
**[[Annie Besant]], in ''The Changing World and Lectures to Theosophical Students, Lecture VI, The Coming Christ,'' (May, June, and July 1909)

*To that manifested Presence the name of &quot;the Christ&quot; may rightly be given, and it was He who lived and moved in the form of the man Jesus over the hills and plains of Palestine, teaching, healing diseases, and gathering round Him as disciples a few of the more advanced souls. The rare charm of His royal love, outpouring from Him as rays from a sun, drew round Him the suffering, the weary, and the oppressed, and the subtly tender magic of His gentle wisdom purified, ennobled, and sweetened the lives that came into contact with His own... By parable and luminous imagery He taught the uninstructed crowds who pressed around Him, and, using the powers of the free Spirit, He healed many a disease by word or touch, reinforcing the magnetic energies belonging to His pure body with the compelling force of His inner life... The teachers and rulers of His nation soon came to eye Him with jealousy and anger; His spirituality was a constant reproach to their materialism, His power a constant, though silent, exposure of their weakness. p. 136
**[[Annie Besant]] in ''Esoteric Christianity: Or, The Lesser Mysteries'' (1914) 

*The historical Christ, then, is a glorious Being belonging to the [[Masters of Wisdom|great spiritual hierarchy]] that guides the [[spiritual]] [[evolution]] of humanity, who used for some three years the human body of the disciple Jesus; who spent the last of these three years in public teaching... who was a healer of diseases and performed other remarkable [[occult]] works; who gathered round Him a small band of disciples whom He instructed in the deeper truths of the spiritual life; who drew men to Him by the singular love and tenderness and the rich [[Ageless Wisdom teachings|wisdom]] that breathed from His Person; and who was finally put to death for blasphemy, for teaching the inherent Divinity of Himself and of all men. p.141
**[[Annie Besant]] in ''Esoteric Christianity: Or, The Lesser Mysteries'' (1914) 

*But it must not be supposed that the work of the Christ for His followers was over after He had established the Mysteries, or was confined to rare appearances therein. That Mighty One who had used the body of Jesus as His vehicle, and whose guardian care extends over the whole spiritual evolution of the fifth race of humanity, gave into the strong hands of the holy disciple who had surrendered to Him his body the care of the infant Church. Perfecting his human evolution, Jesus became one of [[Masters of Wisdom|the Masters of Wisdom]], and took Christianity under His special charge, ever seeking to guide it to the right lines, to protect, to guard and nourish it. He was the Hierophant in the Christian Mysteries, the direct Teacher of the Initiates. His the inspiration that kept alight the Gnosis in the Church, until the superincumbent mass of ignorance became so great that even His breath could not fan the flame sufficiently to prevent its extinguishment. p. 142
**[[Annie Besant]] in ''Esoteric Christianity: Or, The Lesser Mysteries'' (1914) 
* Jesus' own coming was by no means so introverted and other-worldly as a [[Paul of Tarsus|Pauline]] reinterpretation&amp;mdash;always welcome to the [[ruling class]]&amp;mdash;would have it. ... To Jesus, the kingdom of this world was the devil (John 8:44). This is why he never suggested allowing it to go on; he did not conclude a non-aggression pact with it.
** [[Ernst Bloch]], ''Man On His Own'' (1970), p. 123

* From my youth onwards I have found in Jesus my great brother. That Christianity has regarded and does regard him as God and Savior has always appeared to me a fact of the highest importance which, for his sake and my own, I must endeavor to understand … '''I am more than ever certain that a great place belongs to him in Israel's history of faith and that this place cannot be described by any of the usual categories.'''
** [[Martin Buber]], in ''Two Types of Faith'' (1961) Foreword

* According to the [[New Testament]], Jesus is the man for others who views his existence as inextricably tied to other men to the degree that his own Person is inexplicable apart from others. The others, of course, refer to all men, especially the oppressed, the unwanted of society, the &quot;sinners.&quot; He is God himself coming into the very depths of human existence for the sole purpose of striking off the chains of slavery, thereby freeing man from ungodly principalities and powers that hinder his relationship with God.
** [[James Cone]], ''Black Theology and Black Power'' (1969), p. 35

* If the church ... does not make God's liberation of the oppressed central in its mission and proclamation, how can it rest easy with a condemned criminal as the dominant symbol of its message? 
** [[James Cone]], ''Speaking the Truth: Ecumenism, Liberation, and Black Theology'' (1986), p. 6

* By becoming poor and entrusting divine revelation to a carpenter from Nazareth, God makes clear where one has to be in order to hear the divine word and experience divine presence. 
** [[James Cone]], ''Speaking the Truth: Ecumenism, Liberation, and Black Theology'' (1986), p. 9

*In the [[esoteric]] tradition, the Christ is not the name of an individual but of an Office in the [esoteric spiritual] [[Hierarchy]]. The present holder of that Office... has held it for 2,600 years, and manifested in [[Palestine]] through His disciple, [[Jesus]], by the [[occult]] method of overshadowing, the most frequent form used for the manifestation of Avatars. He has never left the world, but for 2,000 years has waited and planned for this immediate future time, training His disciples, and preparing Himself for the awesome task which awaits Him... They stand now, waiting for us to take, of our own free will, the needed first steps in the direction of unity, cooperation and fusion. Then They will emerge with the Christ at Their Head, and Their Presence in the world will be an established fact. 
**[[Benjamin Creme]], in ''The Reappearance of the Christ and the Masters of Wisdom'' (1980)

*The disciple Jesus, Who is now the Master Jesus, was born in Palestine as a third-degree initiate... He was, and still is, a Disciple of the Christ and made the great sacrifice of giving up His body for the use of the Christ. By the... process of overshadowing, the Christ, Maitreya, took over and worked through the body of Jesus from the Baptism onwards. In His next incarnation, as Apollonius of Tyana, Jesus became a Master. 
**[[Benjamin Creme]], in ''The Reappearance of the Christ and the Masters of Wisdom'' (1980)

*He lives now in a Syrian body which is some 600 years old, and has His base in Palestine. He has, in the last 2,000 years, worked in the closest relation to the Christ, saving His time and energy where possible, and has special work to do with the Christian Churches. He is one of the Masters Who will very shortly return to outer work in the world, taking over the Throne of St Peter, in Rome. He will seek to transform the Christian Churches, in so far as they are flexible enough to respond correctly to the new reality which the return of the Christ and [[Masters of Wisdom|the Masters]] will create. [Author's note, 2006: The Master Jesus is now living on the outskirts of Rome.] &lt;BR&gt; I am afraid that the Churches have gone very far away from the religion which the Christ inaugurated; which is to do with sharing, with love, with brotherhood and right relationship.
**[[Benjamin Creme]], in ''The Reappearance of the Christ and the Masters of Wisdom'' (1980)

*Two thousand years ago...[the Christ] overshadowed His disciple Jesus for three years, and Jesus became Jesus the Messiah, or, translated into the Greek, Jesus the Christ. The Christ Himself is Maitreya. His consciousness, from the baptism to the crucifixion, manifested through Jesus and inaugurated the Piscean age which is now coming to an end. Maitreya has come back into the world now to carry on what He began through Jesus, and will complete in the age of Aquarius which is now beginning... Jesus taught through Mohammed. As Maitreya had taught through Him, so He taught through Mohammed. The Buddha taught through the Prince Gautama and Mithra, and Maitreya also taught through Krishna and Shankaracharya at previous times.
**[[Benjamin Creme]], ''[https://share-international.org/books_AWT.html The Ageless Wisdom Teaching]'' (1996)   
 
*The Master Jesus... in Palestine was a very advanced disciple, a fourth-degree initiate, just short of a Master. He took the fourth initiation, the Crucifixion, openly, on the outer plane. Normally you are not expected to die on a cross when you take the fourth initiation. He did that to symbolize for us, dramatically, that great experience of renunciation. He is now a Master, becoming a Master in His immediate next life as [[Apollonius of Tyana|Appolonius of Tyana]], who opened an ashram in north India, where He is buried. From that fact has come the legend that somehow Jesus did not die on the cross, that He was secreted out of Palestine and went to India and is buried there. It was the Being who was Jesus, but in His next incarnation as Appolonius. Jesus is now a very advanced Master. In the seventh to eighth century He went to America and taught the Indian populations, then went out into the Pacific and taught the Polynesians. They all have the legend of a white man who came and taught, and the names are all related to the word `Jesus'. 
**[[Benjamin Creme]], ''[https://share-international.org/books_AWT.html The Ageless Wisdom Teaching]'' (1996)       

*Some of the people around Maitreya were around Jesus in Palestine... [[John the Evangelist|John the Beloved]] is now the [[Koot Hoomi|Master Koot Hoomi]]... We will see Them very shortly. The [[Jesus|Master Jesus]], the best-known Master of all, is already in the world, and has been living in the outskirts of Rome for about seven years.
**[[Benjamin Creme]], [https://www.share-international.org/archives/religion/faq_religion.htm Religion - FAQ,] ''Share International'' (March 1996)

*We, as Christians, are asked to take a very great deal on trust; the teachings, for example, and the miracles of Jesus. If we had to take all on trust, I, for one, should be sceptical. The crux of the problem of whether Jesus was, or was not, what he proclaimed himself to be, must surely depend upon the truth or otherwise of the resurrection. On that greatest point we are not merely asked to have faith. In its favour as a living truth there exists such overwhelming evidence, positive and negative, factual and circumstantial, that no intelligent jury in the world could fail to bring in a verdict that the resurrection story is true.
** [[w:Charles Darling, 1st Baron Darling|Lord Darling,]] who deputised for the Lord Chief Justice 1914-1918, quoted by [[w:Michael Green (theologian)|Michael Green]] in &quot;Man Alive&quot;, IVP, 1967

* Jesus was not divine because he was less human than his fellowmen but for the opposite reason that he was supremely human, and it is this of which his divinity consists, the fullness and perfection of him as an intellectual, moral and spiritual human being.
** [[Eugene Debs]], &quot;Jesus, the Supreme Leader,&quot; in ''Coming Nation'', March 1914

* He has been disfigured and distorted by cunning priests to serve their knavish ends and by ignorant idolaters to give godly sanction to their blind bigotry and savage superstition. He has persisted in spite of two thousand years of theological emasculation to destroy his revolutionary personality.
** [[Eugene Debs]], &quot;Jesus, the Supreme Leader,&quot; in ''Coming Nation'', March 1914

* I had the good luck a few years ago to visit the archeological site of [[w:Sepphoris|Zippori]] in Israel... I could see here displayed the Greek culture that Jesus decisively rejected, the same Greek culture that infiltrated the Christian religion soon after his death and has dominated Christianity ever since.
** [[Freeman Dyson]], ''The Scientist As Rebel'' (2006)

* First, Jesus was no simple peasant, but grew up in intimate contact with an urban and overwhelmingly Greek culture. And second, he intended to lead a spiritual regeneration of his people, based on a total repudiation of Greek culture. In all his preaching, he quotes from the Law and the Prophets, the old Hebrew scriptures. After seeing what the Greek culture had to offer, he went back to his Hebrew roots.
** [[Freeman Dyson]], ''The Scientist As Rebel'' (2006)

* As a child I received instruction both in the Bible and in the Talmud. I am a Jew, but I am enthralled by the luminous figure of the Nazarene. ... No one can read the Gospels without feeling the actual presence of Jesus. His personality pulsates in every word. No myth is filled with such life.
** [[Albert Einstein]], physicist (1879–1955) (from: [http://jmm.aaa.net.au/articles/13353.htm])

* Not a single one of our ancient sources indicates that Jesus was married, let alone married to [[Mary Magdalene]]. All such claims are part of modem fictional reconstructions of Jesus' life, not rooted in the surviving accounts themselves. The historical approach to our sources may not be as exciting and sensationalist as fictional claims about Jesus (he kept a lover! he had sex! he made babies!), but there's something to be said for knowing what really happened in history, even if it is not as titillating as what happens in novels.
** [[Bart D. Ehrman]], ''Truth and Fiction in The Da Vinci Code'' (2004), Ch. 7: &quot;Jesus, Mary Magdalene, and Marriage&quot;

* '''Here is a man who was born in an obscure village, the child of a peasant woman.''' He grew up in another obscure village, where He worked in a carpenter shop until He was thirty, and then for three years He was an itinerant preacher. He never wrote a book. He never held an office. He never owned a home. He never had a family. He never went to college. He never put his foot inside a big city. He never traveled two hundred miles from the place where He was born. He never did one of the things that usually accompany greatness. '''He had no credentials but Himself. He had nothing to do with this world except the naked power of His divine manhood.''' While still a young man, the tide of public opinion turned against Him. His friends ran away. One of them denied Him. He was turned over to His enemies. He went through the mockery of a trial. He was nailed to a cross between two thieves. His executioners gambled for the only piece of property He had on earth while He was dying — and that was [[w: Seamless robe of Jesus|his coat]]. When he was dead He was taken down and laid in a borrowed grave through the pity of a friend. Nineteen wide centuries have come and gone and today He is the centerpiece of the [[human]] race and the [[leader]] of the column of [[progress]]. '''I am far within the mark when I say that all the armies that ever marched, and all the navies that ever were built, and all the parliaments that ever sat, all the kings that ever reigned, put together have not affected the [[life]] of man upon this [[earth]] as powerfully as has that One Solitary Life.'''
** [[James Allan Francis]], ''One Solitary Life'' (1963), p. 1–7. This miniature book, made up entirely of the text above, was hand set and printed by Doris V. Welsh, a former staff member of the Newberry Library, in an edition of 150 copies. No information in the book is given for the first published source of this essay by James Allan Francis, D. D. (1864–1928), nor could it be found in the essays and sermons by Francis in the collections of his writings in the Library of Congress. Nor was the Newberry Library able to identify the original published source. As an anonymous work and with some variations in the text, &quot;One Solitary Life&quot; was published in The Irish Echo, December 27, 1969, p. 10; in the Congressional Record, December 23, 1969, vol. 115, p. 13105; and on a variety of Christmas greeting cards in the 1970s and 1980s.

* Jesus was the first socialist, the first to seek a better life for mankind.
**[[Mikhail Gorbachev]], as quoted in ''Daily Telegraph'' (16 June 1992)

* I'm hoping that [the defrauded faithful will] see that it's not necessary to look to some person to jerk you off to get off and put your belief in.
** [[w:MarJoe Gortner|MarJoe Gortner]], one-time child evangelist who [http://youtube.com/watch?v=6O0p4ZDnDoQ exposed] the fraudulence of fundamentalist Christian sermons in America in the 1972 academy-award winning documentary ''[[w:MarJoe|MarJoe]]''. He estimates that he raised $3 million (1960s) dollars in donations.

* Would you get out your checkbook tonight? … Bring what you would for JESUS tonight.
** [[w:MarJoe Gortner|MarJoe Gortner]], one-time child evangelist who [http://youtube.com/watch?v=6O0p4ZDnDoQ exposed] the fraudulence of fundamentalist Christian sermons in America in the 1972 academy-award winning documentary ''[[w:MarJoe|MarJoe]]''. He estimates that he raised $3 million (1960s) dollars in donations.

* [To an elderly women requesting a blessing.] Do you believe that the Lord's going to do it tonight? Do you believe that he's going to touch this condition? Say Yes Lord. Say THANK YOU JESUS! In the name of Jesus! In the name of JESUS! [Woman collapses in euphoria.] Thank you Jesus. Hallelujah!
** [[w:MarJoe Gortner|MarJoe Gortner]], one-time child evangelist who [http://youtube.com/watch?v=6O0p4ZDnDoQ exposed] the fraudulence of fundamentalist Christian sermons in America in the 1972 academy-award winning documentary ''[[w:MarJoe|MarJoe]]''. He estimates that he raised $3 million (1960s) dollars in donations.

* '''[[Christian anarchism]] is based upon the apocryphal answer of Jesus to the Pharisees, when He said that he without sin should be the first to cast the stone, and upon the Sermon on the Mount, which advises the return of good for evil and the turning of the other cheek.''' Therefore, when we take any part in government by voting for legislative, judicial, and executive officials, we make these men our arm by which we cast a stone and deny the Sermon on the Mount. &lt;br /&gt; The dictionary definition of a Christian is one who follows Christ; kind, kindly, Christ-like. Anarchism is voluntary cooperation for good, with the right of secession. '''A Christian anarchist is therefore one who turns the other cheek, overturns the tables of the moneychangers, and does not need a cop to tell him how to behave. A Christian anarchist does not depend upon bullets or ballots to achieve his ideal; he achieves that ideal daily by the One-Man Revolution with which he faces a decadent, confused, and dying world.'''
** [[Ammon Hennacy]], &quot;Christian Anarchism&quot; in ''The Book of Ammon'' (1965)

* I say: my feeling as a Christian points me to my Lord and Saviour as a fighter. It points me to the man who once in loneliness, surrounded only by a few followers, recognized these Jews for what they were and summoned men to the fight against them and who, God's truth! was greatest not as sufferer but as fighter. In boundless love as a Christian and as a man I read through the passage which tells us how the Lord at last rose in His might and seized the scourge to drive out of the Temple the brood of vipers and of adders. How terrific was His fight for the world against the Jewish poison. Today, after two thousand years, with deepest emotion I recognize more profoundly than ever before — the fact that it was for this that He had to shed His blood upon the Cross.
** [[Adolf Hitler]], [http://humanitas-international.org/showcase/chronography/speeches/1922-04-12.html Munich speech of April 12, 1922]

* The best characterization is provided by the product of this religious education, the Jew himself. His life is only of this world, and his spirit is inwardly as alien to true Christianity as his nature two thousand years previous was to the great founder of the new doctrine. Of course, the latter made no secret of his attitude toward the Jewish people, and when necessary he even took the whip to drive from the temple of the Lord this adversary of all humanity, who then as always saw in religion nothing but an instrument for his business existence. In return, Christ was nailed to the cross, while our present-day party Christians debase themselves to begging for Jewish votes at elections and later try to arrange political swindles with atheistic Jewish parties&amp;mdash;and this against their own nation.
** [[Adolf Hitler]], ''[[w:Mein Kampf|Mein Kampf]]'' (1925), Vol. 1, Chapter 11
** Variant translation: And the founder of Christianity made no secret indeed of his estimation of the Jewish people. When He found it necessary, He drove those enemies of the human race out of the Temple of God.
*** Vol. 1, p. 174

* All good men are anarchists. All cultured, kindly men; all gentlemen; all just men are anarchists. '''Jesus was an anarchist.'''
** [[Elbert Hubbard]], in ''A Message to Garcia and Thirteen Other Things'' (1901), p. 147

* Listen, Christ, &lt;br /&gt; You did alright in your day, I reckon— &lt;br /&gt; But that day's gone now. &lt;br /&gt; They ghosted you up a swell story, too, &lt;br /&gt; Called it Bible— &lt;br /&gt; But it's dead now. &lt;br /&gt; The popes and the preachers've &lt;br /&gt; Made too much money from it. &lt;br /&gt; They've sold you too many &lt;br /&gt; &lt;br /&gt; Kings, generals, robbers, and killers— &lt;br /&gt; Even to the Czar and the Cossacks, &lt;br /&gt; Even to Rockefeller's church, &lt;br /&gt; Even to THE SATURDAY EVENING POST. &lt;br /&gt; You ain't no good no more. &lt;br /&gt; They've pawned you &lt;br /&gt; Till you've done wore out. &lt;br /&gt; &lt;br /&gt; Goodbye, &lt;br /&gt; Christ Jesus Lord God Jehova, &lt;br /&gt; Beat it on away from here now. &lt;br /&gt; Make way for a new guy with no religion at all— &lt;br /&gt; A real guy named &lt;br /&gt; Marx Communist Lenin Peasant Stalin Worker ME— &lt;br /&gt; I said, ME! &lt;br /&gt; &lt;br /&gt; Go Ahead on now, &lt;br /&gt; You're getting in the way of things, Lord. &lt;br /&gt; And please take Saint Ghandi [sic] with you when you go, &lt;br /&gt; And Saint Pope Pius, &lt;br /&gt; And Saint Aimee McPherson, &lt;br /&gt; And big black Saint Becton &lt;br /&gt; Of the Consecrated Dime. &lt;br /&gt; And step on the gas, Christ! &lt;br /&gt; &lt;br /&gt; Move! &lt;br /&gt; Don't be so slow about movin'! &lt;br /&gt; The world is mine from now on— &lt;br /&gt; And nobody's gonna sell ME &lt;br /&gt; To a king, or a general, &lt;br /&gt; Or a millionaire.
** [[Langston Hughes]], &quot;Goodbye Christ,&quot; The Negro Worker, November/December 1932, p. 32

* '''Jesus was an anarchist savior. That's what the Gospels tell us.'''
** [[Ivan Illich]], [http://www.davidtinapple.com/illich/1988_Educational.html ''The Educational enterprise in the Light of the Gospel'', Chicago (13 November 1988)]


* He comes into the world God knows how, walks on the water, gets out of his grave and goes up off the Hill of Howth. What drivel is this?
** [[James Joyce]], ''Stephen Hero'', ch. 21 (1944)

* '''Although Jesus is widely considered mankind's greatest moral teacher, the greatest Christians, not to speak of scholars, have never been able to agree what his moral teachings were.''' Matthew, and he alone, reports that Jesus said: &quot;Let your Yes be Yes, and your No, No.&quot; But the four Evangelists agree in ascribing to Jesus evasive and equivocal answers to plain questions, not only those of the high priest and Pilate; and '''quite generally the Jesus of the New Testament avoids straightforward statements, preferring parables and hyperboles.''' Some of the parables are so ambiguous that different Evangelists, not to speak of later [[theologian]]s, offer different interpretations. … '''On concrete moral issues, Jesus can be, and has been, cited on almost all sides.'''
** [[Walter Kaufmann (philosopher)|Walter Kaufmann]], in &quot;The Faith of a Heretic&quot; in ''Harper's Magazine'' (February 1959)

* '''Jesus is not an impractical [[idealist]]; he is the [practical [[realist]].'''
* I am certain that Jesus [[understood]] the [[difficulty]] inherent in the act of [[loving]] one's [[enemy]]. He never joined the ranks of those who talk glibly about the easiness of the moral life. He realized that every genuine expression of love grows out of a consistent and total surrender to God. So when Jesus said &quot;love your enemy,&quot; he was not unmindful of its stringent qualities. Yet he meant every word of it. Our responsibility as Christians is to discover the meaning of this command and seek passionately to live it out in our daily lives.
:* [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], [http://www.skeptictank.org/files/socialis/mlk.htm &quot;Loving Your Enemies&quot;]. Dexter Avenue Baptist Church, Montgomery, Alabama (25 December 1957).

* Jesus recognized the need for blending opposites. He knew that his disciples would face a difficult and hostile world, where they would confront the recalcitrance of political officials and the intransigence of the protectors of the old order. He knew that they would meet cold and arrogant men whose hearts had been hardened by the long winter of traditionalism. … And he gave them a formula for action, &quot;Be ye therefore as [[wise]] as serpents, and [[harmless]] as doves.&quot; … We must combine the toughness of the serpent with the softness of the dove, a tough mind and a tender heart.
** [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], [http://books.google.gr/books?id=suOrdSCO_7gC&amp;q= &quot;Strength to Love&quot;], Ch. 1 : A tough mind and a tender heart, (1963).

* '''Jesus Christ was an [[extremist]] for [[love]], [[truth]] and [[goodness]].'''
** [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], &quot;{{w|Letter from a Birmingham Jail}}&quot; (1963).

* I've come here to tell the most exciting story in the history of mankind: the life of Jesus Christ. I'm not talking about the Jesus in those horribly gaudy pictures. Not the Jesus with the jaundice-yellow skin&amp;mdash;whom crazy human society has turned into the biggest whore of all time. Whose corpse they perversely drag around on disgraceful crosses. I don't mean the jabbering about God or the blubbering hymns. I don't mean the Jesus whose moldy kiss frightens little girls out of horny dreams before their First Communion and then make them die of shame and disgust when they foam in the latrines. I'm talking about the ''man'': the restless man who says we have to turn over a new leaf all the time, now! I'm talking about the adventurer, the freest, most fearless, most modern of all men, the one who preferred being massacred to rotting with others. I'm talking about the man who is like what all of us want to be. You and I.
** [[Klaus Kinski]], in ''Kinski Uncut : The Autobiography of Klaus Kinski'' (1996), p. 1–2

* After the fall of so many gods in this century, this person, broken at the hands of his opponents and constantly betrayed through the ages by his adherents, is obviously still for innumerable people the most moving figure in the long history of mankind.
** [[w:Hans Küng|Hans Küng]], theologian (b. 1928) (from: [http://jmm.aaa.net.au/articles/13353.htm])

* I accept the resurrection of Easter Sunday not as an invention of the community of disciples, but as a historical event. If the resurrection of Jesus from the dead on that Easter Sunday were a public event which had been made known...not only to the 530 Jewish witnesses but to the entire population, all Jews would have become followers of Jesus.
** [[w:Pinchas Lapide|Pinchas Lapide]], Orthodox Jewish scholar (b. 1922) (from: [http://jmm.aaa.net.au/articles/13353.htm])

* '''The true founder of anarchy was [[Jesus]] [[w:Christ|Christ]] and … the first anarchist society was that of the apostles.'''
** Georges Lechartier, as quoted in [http://www.ditext.com/woodcock/anarch.html ''Anarchism : A History of Libertarian Ideas and Movements'' (1962)] by [[George Woodcock]], [http://www.ditext.com/woodcock/2.html Part One : The Idea, Ch. 2 : The Family Tree p. 36]

* [The lawless men of Acts 2:23 who nailed Jesus to the cross and killed Him include] Judas Iscariot, chief priests, officers of the temple, elders, the high priest and Jewish Sanhedrin, Pilate, Herod, and the Roman soldiers – mainly the Jewish religionists with their deputies and the Gentile politicians with their subordinates. This indicates that Jesus was killed by all mankind.
** [[w:Witness Lee|Witness Lee]], The Acts of the Apostles, Recovery version, p. 13, ''Living Stream Ministry'', December 1984

* I am trying to prevent anyone saying the really foolish thing that people often say about Him, 'I'm ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don't accept His claim to be God.' That is the sort of thing we must not say. '''A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would either be a lunatic — on a level with the man who says he is a poached egg — or He would be the devil of hell.''' You must make a choice. Either this man was, and is, the Son of God; or else a madman or something worse. You can shut Him up for a fool, you can spit at Him and kill him as a demon; or you can fall at His feet and call Him Lord and God. But let us not come with any patronizing nonsense about His being a great human teacher. He has not left that open to us. He did not intend to.
** [[C. S. Lewis]] (from: ''Mere Christianity''[http://jmm.aaa.net.au/articles/13353.htm])

*Jesus of Nazareth and the [[Christ]] are not one and the same person. This is one of the most difficult claims for many Christians to accept in connection with [[Maitreya (Theosophy)|Maitreya]], the World Teacher, and it therefore needs some further explanation. In fact, the title Christ does not refer to an individual at all. It is the name of a function in the [[Masters of Wisdom|Hierarchy of Masters of Wisdom]], that group of advanced beings who guide the evolution of humanity from behind the scenes. ... In reality Jesus was a fourth-degree initiate and one of the older disciples of the Masters of Wisdom. He appeared before in biblical times as Joshua, the son of Nun, then as [[Isaiah]], and again as Joshua in the book of Zachariah... The events from Jesus' life and his words have been greatly misinterpreted due to this little-understood connection between his work and that of Maitreya the Christ. This has given rise to the age-old theological point of contention -- namely, whether Jesus was God or man, or perhaps both together. The answer is that Jesus was a man who, as a result of the process of evolution, became a Son of God -- as does everyone eventually. Others had gone before him on that path and many have taken it since.
**[https://share-international.org/archives/AgelessWisdom/aw_pl-JnM.htm Peter Liefhebber in Maitreya the Christ, ''Share International Magazine''] (April 1999)

*The Master Jesus has been incarnate in a Syrian body for about 640 years. He is described in ''Initiation, Human and Solar'' by [[Alice A. Bailey]]...as follows: He is rather a martial figure, a disciplinarian and a man of iron rule and will. He is tall and spare with rather a long thin face, black hair, pale complexion, and piercing blue eyes. In the Hierarchy he is described as the Great Leader, the General and the Wise Executive. No one is so closely in touch with the people who stand for all that is best in the Christian teachings and no-one is so well aware of the needs of the present moment. During most of this time he has lived mainly in Palestine. Since 1984, however, he has lived in Rome. The intention is that he will try to raise the Christian churches out of their state of crystallization and rivalry and, if invited to do so, to lead a newly united church. By doing so he hopes to resolve the many contradictions and misunderstandings which have arisen during the course of the centuries about his historic role and the teachings which he then disseminated as a vehicle for Maitreya.
**[https://share-international.org/archives/AgelessWisdom/aw_pl-JnM.htm Peter Liefhebber in Maitreya the Christ, ''Share International Magazine''] (April 1999)

* Christ is a new man. The new man is a Soviet man. Therefore Christ is a Soviet man!
** [[w:Justinian Marina|Justinian Marina]], [[w:Romania|Romanian]] patriarch, quoted by [[w:Czesław Miłosz|Czesław Miłosz]] in ''[[w:The Captive Mind|The Captive Mind]]'' (1953)

*'''Jesus, not [[Julius Caesar|Cæsar]]''', I repeat,—this is the meaning of our [[history]] and [[democracy]].
** {{citation
|title=The Religious Conditions in Czechoslovakia
|year=c1921
|first=Tomáš
|last=Garrigue Masaryk
| authorlink=Tomáš Garrigue Masaryk
| page=7
|url=https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/The_Religious_Conditions_in_Czechoslovakia
}}

* The last two thousand years have brought about a duality in man such as he never experienced before, and yet the man who dominates this whole period was one who stood for [[wholeness]], one who proclaimed the [[Holy Ghost]]. '''No [[life]] in the whole [[history]] of man has been so misinterpreted, so woefully misunderstood as [[Christ]]'s.'''
** [[Henry Miller]] in ''The Wisdom of the Heart'' (1941)

* '''[[Political]] leaders are never leaders. For leaders we have to look to the Awakeners!''' [[Laozi|Lao Tse]], [[Gautama Buddha|Buddha]], [[Socrates]], '''Jesus''', [[w:Milarepa|Milarepa]], [[G. I. Gurdjieff|Gurdjiev]], [[Jiddu Krishnamurti|Krishnamurti]].
** [[Henry Miller]], in ''My Bike &amp; Other Friends'' (1977), p. 12

*The disciples asked [[Jesus]]: Who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind?&quot; (John 9:2-3) How could a man sin before he was born, unless the sin was committed in [[Reincarnation|another life]]? The apostles are not asking what kind of sin resulted in blindness, but *who* sinned, taking for granted that the act of sinning itself brought about this dire result.&lt;BR&gt; Furthermore, the sin could have been committed either by the man in a previous existence, or by his parents. This implies both that the sins of the parents are visited upon the children, which is a biblical doctrine, and that the soul exists and therefore pays for the transgressions of previous lives.&lt;BR&gt; Jesus does not rebuff the apostles for asking such a question. If the doctrine had been alien to his mind, he would have told them that they were talking nonsense. 
**Jeanine Miller, in [https://www.share-international.org/archives/AgelessWisdom/aw_jmreincarn.htm ''Reincarnation and karma in the Bible (Share International)'']

* In his own lifetime Jesus made no impact on history. This is something that I cannot but regard as a special dispensation on God's part, and, I like to think, yet another example of the ironical humour which informs so many of his purposes. To me, it seems highly appropriate that the most important figure in all history should thus escape the notice of memoirists, diarists, commentators, all the tribe of chroniclers who even then existed.
** [[Malcolm Muggeridge]], journalist (1903–90) (from: [http://jmm.aaa.net.au/articles/13353.htm])

* '''Jesus died too soon. If he had lived to my age he would have repudiated his doctrine.'''
** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], ''[[w:Thus Spoke Zarathustra|Thus Spoke Zarathustra]]''

* When Jesus and his disciples are said to be in the world but not of the world, the meaning is clear enough. Although they live in the world they are not worldly, they do not subscribe to the present values and standards of the world. ... The values of the kingdom [of God] are different from, and opposed to, the values of this world. There is no reason for thinking that it means the kingdom will float in the air somewhere above the earth or that it will be an abstract entity without any tangible social and political structure.
** [[Albert Nolan]], ''Jesus Before Christianity: The Gospel of Liberation'' (1976), p. 48

* '''Jesus wanted to [[Liberty|liberate]] everyone from the [[law]] — from all laws. But this could not be achieved by abolishing or changing the law. He had to dethrone the law.''' He had to ensure that the law be man’s servant and not his master (Mark 2:27-28). '''Man must therefore take [[responsibility]] for his servant, the law, and use it to serve the needs of [[mankind]].'''
** [[Albert Nolan]], in ''Jesus Before Christianity: The Gospel of Liberation'' (1976), p. 72

* It is imperative that the contrasts between Christianity and Jesus be clearly revealed and strongly emphasized. First, because the real significance of Jesus is obscured by the widespread belief that organized Christianity truly reflects his religion; and second, because it will be practically impossible to abolish giant evils while they are hallowed by the blessing of the churches. As long as ministers and laymen labor under the delusion that contemporary Christianity is the same religion that Jesus practiced they will remain immunized against his way of life and will lack the vision.
** [[Kirby Page]], ''Jesus or Christianity A Study In Contrasts'' (1929)

* Those persons who were responsible for his tragic death had only the faintest understanding of what he was seeking to accomplish. Even his own disciples so completely misinterpreted his teaching that at the very end they argued among themselves as to who should have the chief places. ...they still visualized twelve thrones of solid gold and quarreled among themselves over the seats of honor on the right and left of the king. How much less able to fathom the meaning of his words and deeds were the ecclesiastical leaders.
** [[Kirby Page]], ''Jesus or Christianity A Study In Contrasts'' (1929)

* Where is it that the youth is to seek the energy to subdue his genital titillations? In [[faith]] in Jesus! As a matter of fact, he does derive an enormous [[power]] against his [[sexuality]] from his faith in Jesus. What is the basis of its mechanism? The [[mystical]] experience puts him in a state of vegetative excitation, which never culminates in natural orgastic gratification. The youth’s sexual drive develops in a passive [[homosexual]] direction. In terms of the drive’s energy, passive homosexuality is the most effective counterpart of [[natural]] [[masculine]] sexuality, for it replaces [[activity]] and [[aggression]] by [[passivity]] and [[masochistic]] [[attitudes]], that is to say, by precisely those attitudes that determine the mass basis of [[patriarchal]] [[authoritarian]] mysticism in the [[human]] structure. At the same time, however, this implies unquestioning [[loyalty]], faith in authority and ability to adapt to the institution of patriarchal compulsive [[marriage]]. In short, religious mysticism pits one sexual drive against another.
** [[Wilhelm Reich]], ''The Mass Psychology of Fascism'', (1933), p. 163.

* [[Healthy]] [[adolescent]] [[sexuality]] would not necessarily have to stifle [[veneration]] for the Jesus [[legend]]. The [[Bible|Old and the New Testament]] can be [[appreciated]] as stupendous [[achievements]] of the [[human]] [[mind]], but this appreciation should not be used to suppress sexuality. My [[medical]] [[experience]] has [[taught]] me that adolescents who are sexually [[sick]] have an unhealthy appreciation of the [[legend]] of Jesus. 
** [[Wilhelm Reich]], ''The Mass Psychology of Fascism'', (1933), p. 168.

* Will you touch, will you mend me Christ? &lt;br /&gt; Won't you touch, will you heal me Christ? &lt;br /&gt; Will you kiss, can you cure me Christ? &lt;br /&gt; Won't you kiss, won't you pay me Christ? &lt;br /&gt; 
:See my eyes, I can hardly see &lt;br /&gt; See me stand, I can hardly walk &lt;br /&gt; I believe you can make me whole &lt;br /&gt; See my tongue, I can hardly talk. &lt;br /&gt; 
:See my skin, I'm a mass of blood &lt;br /&gt; See my legs, I can hardly stand &lt;br /&gt; I believe you can make me well &lt;br /&gt; See my purse, I'm a poor, poor man.
:* [[Jesus Christ Superstar]], lyrics by Tim Rice (1970)

* So you are the Christ you're the great Jesus Christ &lt;br /&gt; Prove to me that you're divine - change my water into wine &lt;br /&gt; That's all you need to do then I'll know it's all true &lt;br /&gt; C'mon King of the Jews.
:Prove to me that you're no fool - walk across my swimming pool &lt;br /&gt; If you do that for me then I'll let you go free &lt;br /&gt; C'mon King of the Jews.
:* [[Jesus Christ Superstar]], lyrics by Tim Rice (1970)

* I remember when this whole thing began &lt;br /&gt; No talk of God then, we called you a man &lt;br /&gt; And believe me, my admiration for you hasn't died &lt;br /&gt; But every word you say today &lt;br /&gt; Gets twisted round some other way &lt;br /&gt; And they'll hurt if they think you've lied.
:* [[w:Tim Rice|Tim Rice]], [[Jesus Christ Superstar]] (1970): [[w:Judas|Judas]] in &quot;Heaven on Their Minds&quot; 

* You ask whether it is possible to understand the indication regarding the appearance of Christ in lesser images and in reality. Certainly. Medievalism made an inaccessible idol of Christ and deprived him of any humanity, therefore also of divinity. Thus, all the Teachings of the East proclaim that there is no god (or gods) who was not at one time a man. Such a forced separation of Christ from human essence threatened and still threatens a complete break in the communion of humanity with the Higher World. One can trace how in the Middle Ages there appeared every now and then great saints who tried to re-establish this almost lost communion, and all of them insisted precisely on the human essence of Christ. Especially strong affirmations of this can be found in the pages of the autobiography of [[Teresa of Ávila|St. Theresa]], the Spanish saint of the sixteenth century, and still earlier, in the visions and writings of [[Catherine of Siena|St. Catherine of Siena]] and St. Gertrude. Thus, the form and the quality of the visions and communications received through such communion always correspond with the level of the consciousness of those who see and receive them, and also with the needs of the time. As it was said, &quot;In is precisely by following the character of the visions that the best history of the intellect may be written.&quot;
**[[Helena Roerich]], ''Letters of Helena Roerich II'', (2 April 1936)

*I strongly recommend that all read the autobiography of [[Teresa of Ávila|St. Theresa]]. In spite of the fact that this work went through the &quot;spiritual&quot; censorship of the Church, some amazing pages have been preserved. By propagating the dogma of Jesus Christ as the only begotten Son of God, the Church contradicts the very sense of the prayer given to us by Jesus Christ himself, &quot;Our Father which art in heaven.&quot; And also the words of the Scriptures, &quot;So God created man in his own image.&quot; (Genesis 1:27) Thus, by claiming the exclusiveness of sonship and divine origin for Jesus Christ, the Church, by that very claim, forever divorced him from mankind. From this came a whole train of grave events; the exclusion of Jesus Christ from the life of humanity, the obliteration of his human Sacrifice and the awful suggestion implying that the death of Christ on the Cross saved humanity from &quot;original&quot; sin (?!) and from all subsequent sins.
** [[Helena Roerich]], in ''Letters of Helena Roerich II'', (2 April 1936)
 
* It is generally taken for granted that we should all agree that [Christ was the best and the wisest of men]. I do not myself.
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''[[w:Why I am not a Christian|Why I am not a Christian]]'' (1927), &quot;The Character of Christ&quot;

* You will remember that Christ said, &quot;Judge not lest ye be judged.&quot; That principle I do not think you would find was popular in the law courts of Christian countries. I have known in my time quite a number of judges who were very earnest Christians, and none of them felt that they were acting contrary to Christian principles in what they did. Then Christ says, &quot;Give to him that asketh of thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away.&quot; That is a very good principle... Then there is one other maxim of Christ which I think has a great deal in it, but I do not find that it is very popular among some of our Christian friends. '''He says, &quot;If thou wilt be perfect, go and sell that which thou hast, and give to the poor.&quot; That is a very excellent maxim, but, as I say, it is not much practised.''' All these, I think, are good maxims, although they are a little difficult to live up to. '''I do not profess to live up to them myself; but then, after all, it is not quite the same thing as for a Christian.'''
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''[http://www.users.drew.edu/~jlenz/whynot.html Why I am not a Christian]'' (1927), &quot;The Character of Christ&quot;

* Having granted the excellence of these maxims, I come to certain points in which I do not believe that one can grant either the superlative wisdom or the superlative goodness of Christ as depicted in the Gospels... there one does find some things that do not seem to be very wise. For one thing, he certainly thought that His second coming would occur in clouds of glory before the death of all the people who were living at that time. There are a great many texts that prove that. He says, for instance, &quot;Ye shall not have gone over the cities of Israel till the Son of Man be come.&quot; Then he says, &quot;There are some standing here which shall not taste death till the Son of Man comes into His kingdom&quot;; and there are a lot of places where '''it is quite clear that He believed that His second coming would happen during the lifetime of many then living.''' That was the belief of His earlier followers, and it was the basis of a good deal of His moral teaching. When He said, &quot;Take no thought for the morrow,&quot; and things of that sort, it was very largely because He thought that the second coming was going to be very soon, and that all ordinary mundane affairs did not count. I have, as a matter of fact, known some Christians who did believe that the second coming was imminent. I knew a parson who frightened his congregation terribly by telling them that the second coming was very imminent indeed, but they were much consoled when they found that he was planting trees in his garden. The early Christians did really believe it, and they did abstain from such things as planting trees in their gardens, because they did accept from Christ the belief that the second coming was imminent. '''In that respect, clearly He was not so wise as some other people have been, and He was certainly not superlatively wise.'''
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''Why I am not a Christian'' (1927), &quot;Defects in Christ's Teaching&quot;

* '''There is one very serious defect to my mind in Christ's moral character, and that is that He believed in Hell.''' I do not myself feel that any person who is really profoundly humane can believe in everlasting punishment. Christ certainly as depicted in the Gospels did believe in everlasting punishment, and one does find repeatedly a vindictive fury against those people who would not listen to His preaching — an attitude which is not uncommon with preachers, but which does somewhat detract from superlative excellence... You will find that in the Gospels Christ said, &quot;Ye serpents, ye generation of vipers, how can ye escape the damnation of Hell.&quot; That was said to people who did not like His preaching. It is not really to my mind quite the best tone, and there are a great many of these things about Hell. There is, of course, the familiar text about the sin against the Holy Ghost: &quot;Whosoever speaketh against the Holy Ghost it shall not be forgiven him neither in this World nor in the world to come.&quot; That text has caused an unspeakable amount of misery in the world, for all sorts of people have imagined that they have committed the sin against the Holy Ghost, and thought that it would not be forgiven them either in this world or in the world to come. I really do not think that a person with a proper degree of kindliness in his nature would have put fears and terrors of that sort into the world.
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''Why I am not a Christian'' (1927), &quot;The Moral Problem&quot;

* Christ says, &quot;The Son of Man shall send forth His angels, and they shall gather out of His kingdom all things that offend, and them which do iniquity, and shall cast them into a furnace of fire; there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth&quot;; and He goes on about the wailing and gnashing of teeth. It comes in one verse after another, and it is quite manifest to the reader that there is a certain pleasure in contemplating wailing and gnashing of teeth, or else it would not occur so often. Then you all, of course, remember about the sheep and the goats; how at the second coming He is going to divide the sheep from the goats, and He is going to say to the goats: &quot;Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire.&quot; He continues: &quot;And these shall go away into everlasting fire.&quot; Then He says again, &quot;If thy hand offend thee, cut it off; it is better for thee to enter into life maimed, than having two hands to go into Hell, into the fire that never shall be quenched, where the worm dieth not and the fire is not quenched.&quot; He repeats that again and again also. '''I must say that I think all this doctrine, that Hell-fire is a punishment for sin, is a doctrine of cruelty.''' It is a doctrine that put cruelty into the world, and gave the world generations of cruel torture; and the Christ of the Gospels, if you could take Him as his chroniclers represent Him, would certainly have to be considered partly responsible for that.
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''Why I am not a Christian'' (1927), &quot;The Moral Problem&quot;

* There is the instance of the Gadarene swine, where it certainly was not very kind to the pigs to put the devils into them and make them rush down the hill into the sea. You must remember that He was omnipotent, and He could have made the devils simply go away; but He chose to send them into the pigs. Then there is the curious story of the fig-tree, which always rather puzzled me. You remember what happened about the fig-tree. &quot;He was hungry; and seeing a fig-tree afar off having leaves, He came if haply He might find anything thereon; and when he came to it He found nothing but leaves, for the time of figs was not yet. And Jesus answered and said unto it: 'No man eat fruit of thee hereafter for ever'.... and Peter.... saith unto Him: 'Master, behold the fig-tree which thou cursedst is withered away.'&quot; This is a very curious story, because it was not the right time of year for figs, and you really could not blame the tree. '''I cannot myself feel that either in the matter of wisdom or in the matter of virtue Christ stands quite as high as some other people known to History. I think I should put [[Gautama Buddha|Buddha]] and [[Socrates]] above Him in those respects.'''
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''Why I am not a Christian'' (1927), &quot;The Moral Problem&quot;

* Christ said &quot;Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself&quot; and when asked &quot;who is thy neighbour? went on to the parable of the [[w:Good Samaritan|Good Samaritan]]. If you wish to understand this parable as it was understood by his hearers, you should substitute &quot;Germans and Japanese&quot; for Samaritan. '''I fear my modern day Christians would resent such a substitution, because it would compel them to realize how far they have departed from the teachings of the founder of their religion.'''
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''[[Unpopular Essays]]'' (1950), Ch. 9: Ideas That Have Helped Mankind

* There was no point of controversy between Jesus and the Jews; Jesus brought no new doctrine unto them. Jesus said, What the masters in Israel teach, what the Pharisees and the Scribes teach, is perfectly correct. There was no dogma which was the cause of controversy between Jesus and the nation; there was no new custom that Jesus introduced: He went into the Temple every day. He observed the ordinances and festivals of Israel. What was the subject of dispute and controversy between Jesus and the Jews? It was no doctrine, it was no innovation, it was Jesus Himself whom they rejected. There was an antipathy in them to the person of Jesus: it was the Lord Himself whom they hated, because they hated the Father. . . . But Jesus knew . . . that it was because He was one with the Father, because He was the express image of His being, because He was the perfect manifestation of the character of God, that they hated Him; and therefore Jesus was pained, not because they hated Him, but because they hated in Him the Father.
** Adolph Saphir{{source}}

* Jesus then realized he had been brought here under false pretences, as the lamb is led to sacrifice and that his life had been planned for death since the very beginning. Remembering the river of blood and suffering that would flow from his side and flood the entire earth, he called out to the open sky where God could be seen smiling, '''Men, forgive Him, for He knows not what He has done.'''
** [[José Saramago]], ''[[w:The Gospel According to Jesus Christ|O Evangelho Segundo Jesus Cristo]]'' (1991); ''The Gospel According to Jesus Christ'', trans. [[w:Giovanni Pontiero|Giovanni Pontiero]] (1993), p. 341

* No sooner had Jesus knocked over the dragon of superstition than [[Paul of Tarsus|Paul]] boldly set it on its legs again in the name of Jesus.
** [[George Bernard Shaw]], ''Androcles and the Lion'' (1913)

* '''In the most deeply significant of the legends concerning Jesus, we are told how the [[devil]] took him up into a high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the [[world]] in a moment of [[time]]'''; and the devil said unto him: &quot;All this [[power]] will I give unto thee, and the [[glory]] of them, for that is delivered unto me, and to whomsoever I will, I give it. If thou, therefore, wilt worship me, all shall be thine.&quot; '''Jesus, as we know, answered and said &quot;Get thee behind me, [[Satan]]!&quot; And he really meant it; he would have nothing to do with worldly glory, with &quot;temporal power;&quot; he chose the career of a revolutionary agitator, and died the [[death]] of a disturber of the [[peace]].''' And for two or three centuries his church followed in his footsteps, cherishing his proletarian gospel. The early Christians had &quot;all things in common, except women;&quot; they lived as social outcasts, hiding in deserted catacombs, and being thrown to lions and boiled in oil. &lt;br /&gt; But the devil is a subtle worm; he does not give up at one defeat, for he knows human nature, and the strength of the forces which battle for him. '''He failed to get Jesus, but he came again, to get Jesus' church.''' He came when, through the power of the new revolutionary idea, the Church had won a position of tremendous power in the decaying Roman Empire; and the subtle worm assumed the guise of no less a person than [[Constantine the Great|the Emperor himself]], suggesting that he should become a convert to the new faith, so that the Church and he might work together for the greater glory of God. '''The bishops and fathers of the Church, ambitious for their organization, fell for this scheme, and Satan went off laughing to himself. He had got everything he had asked from Jesus three hundred years before; he had got the world's greatest religion.'''
** [[Upton Sinclair]], in ''The Profits of Religion : An Essay in Economic Interpretation'' (1918), Book Seven : The Church of the Social Revolution, &quot;Christ and Caesar&quot;

* At its beginnings there was very powerful meditation on the presence of Christ in the oppressed [[w:Indigenous peoples of the Americas|Indians]], which objectively pointed toward a [[w:Christology|christology]] of the &quot;[[w:body of Christ|body of Christ]].&quot; [[w:Felipe Guaman Poma de Ayala|Guamán Poma]], for example, said, &quot;By faith we know clearly that where there is a poor person there is Jesus Christ himself,&quot; and [[Bartolomé de las Casas]] declared, &quot;In the Indies I leave Jesus Christ, our God, being whipped and afflicted, and buffeted and crucified, not once but thousands of times, as often as the Spaniards assault and destroy those people.&quot; But this original [[w:Christology|christological]] insight did not thrive, and what became the tradition was a christology based on the dogmatic formulas, in which&amp;mdash;however well they were known and understood&amp;mdash;what was stressed was the [[w:Hypostatic union|divinity of Christ]] rather than his real and lived humanity.
** [[Jon Sobrino]], ''Jesus the Liberator'' (1991), p. 11

* The sublime title &quot;[[wikt:Χριστός|Christ]]&quot; is an adjective which only receives its specific value from the specificity of the noun, [[w:Jesus of Nazareth|Jesus of Nazareth]]. If Jesus is forgotten, then it becomes possible to fill the adjective with whatever suits at the time, without checking whether Jesus was like that or not, or whether this means leaving the world sunk in its wretchedness or not; or worse still, without asking if this image legitimates the tragedy of the world or brings liberation from it.
** [[Jon Sobrino]], ''Jesus the Liberator'' (1991), p. 15

* '''Christ did not ask or want to be what he was not.'''
** [[Dejan Stojanovic]], in ''The Sun Watches the Sun'' (1999) “Christ” (Sequence: “Is It Possible to Write a Poem”)

* Burning the witch [[Giordano Bruno]] is one more wound inflicted on [[w:Christ|Christ]]’s body.
** [[Dejan Stojanovic]], in ''The Sun Watches the Sun'' (1999) “Christ” (Sequence: “Is It Possible to Write a Poem”)

* The two main Pillars of our Civilization,&lt;br /&gt;Jesus and [[Shakespeare]] said:&lt;br /&gt;&quot;Nothing shall be impossible to Humans&quot; (Jesus)&lt;br /&gt;&quot;Impossibility is only seemingly impossible&quot; (Shak.)
** B. B. Stoller, ''[[Biologizing the Universe]]'' (1983)

* Few subsequent gurus seem to have matched the simplicity and directness of Jesus′s message; but it must be remembered that we have very little information. If the world had possessed a detailed biographical account of Jesus, an authentic picture of what he was like as a man, it is quite possible that Christianity would not have been estabished as a world religion.
** [[Anthony Storr]], ''Feet of Clay; Saints, Sinners, and Madmen: A Study of Gurus'' (New York: Free Press Paperbacks, 1997), p. 147

* Where is my faith? Even deep down … there is nothing but emptiness and darkness … If there be God—please forgive me. When I try to raise my thoughts to Heaven, there is such convicting emptiness that those very thoughts return like sharp knives and hurt my very soul … How painful is this unknown pain—I have no Faith. Repulsed, empty, no faith, no love, no zeal, … What do I labor for? If there be no God, there can be no soul. If there be no soul then, Jesus, You also are not true.
** [[Mother Teresa]], ''Letters''. {{cite book | title = Mother Teresa: Come Be My Light | last = Teresa | first = Mother | last2 = Kolodiejchuk | first2 = Brian | year = 2007 | publisher = Doubleday | location = New York | isbn = 0385520379 | url = http://books.google.com/books?id=EVaPAgAACAAJ&amp;dq=Mother+Teresa:+Come+Be+My+Light }}

* '''This doctrine of the [[w:Kingdom of Heaven|Kingdom of Heaven]], which was the main teaching of [[Jesus]], and which plays so small a part in the [[Christian]] creeds, is certainly one of the most revolutionary doctrines that ever stirred and changed [[human]] [[thought]].''' It is small [[wonder]] if, the [[world]] of that time failed to grasp its full significance, and recoiled in dismay from even a half apprehension of its tremendous [[challenges]] to the established [[habits]] and institutions of [[mankind]]. It is small wonder if the hesitating convert and disciple presently went back to the old familiar ideas of temple and altar, of fierce deity and propitiatory observance, of consecrated priest and magic blessing, and these things being attended to reverted then to the dear old habitual life of hates and profits and competition and pride. '''For the doctrine of the Kingdom of Heaven, as Jesus seems to have preached it, was no less than a bold and uncompromising demand for a complete change and cleansing of the life of our struggling race, an utter cleansing, without and within.'''
** [[H. G. Wells]], in ''[[w:The Outline of History|The Outline of History : Being a Plain History of Life and Mankind]]'' (1920), &quot;The Teachings of Jesus of Nazareth&quot;

* You cannot claim to worship Jesus in the tabernacle if you do not pity Jesus in the slum.
** [[Frank Weston]], Address to the Second Anglo-Catholic Congress (1923), in ''Radical Christian Writings: A Reader'' (2002), p. 200

* A dichotomy between the religious and the social must be imported into the &amp;#91;[[New Testament]]&amp;#93;; it cannot be found there. The &quot;cross&quot; of Jesus was a political punishment; and when Christians are made to suffer by government it is usually because because of the practical import of their faith, and the doubt they cast upon the rulers' claim to be &quot;Benefactor.&quot;
** [[John Howard Yoder]], ''The Politics of Jesus'' (1972), p. 125

* Reward for information leading to the apprehension of — &lt;br /&gt; '''Jesus [[Christ|Christ]] &lt;br /&gt; Wanted — For Sedition, [[w:Christian anarchism|Criminal Anarchy]] — Vagrancy, and Conspiring to Overthrow the Established Government.''' &lt;br /&gt; Dresses poorly, said to be a carpenter by trade, ill-nourished, has visionary ideas, associates with common working people, the unemployed and bums. Alien — believed to be a Jew. Alias: &quot;Prince of Peace. Son of Man.&quot; &quot;Light of the world&quot; &amp;c. &amp;c. Professional Agitator, Red beard, marks on hands and feet the result of injuries inflicted by an angry mob led by respectable citizens and legal authorities.
** [[w:Art Young|Art Young]], Jesus Christ &quot;wanted-poster&quot; political cartoon in ''[[w:The Masses|The Masses]]'' (1 November 1917)

* The world of Jesus is the world of sunlight by comparison with that of all the sages and philosophers and the schoolmen of any country. Like the Jungfrau which stands above the glaciers in the world of snow and seems to touch heaven itself, Jesus' teachings have that immediacy and clarity and simplicity which puts to shame all other efforts of men's minds to know God or to inquire after God.
** [[Lin Yutang]], ''From Pagan to Christian'' (1959), p. 223

* At the time of the Crucifixion the dogwood had been the size of the oak and other forest trees. So firm and strong was the tree that it was chosen as the timber for the cross. To be used thus for such a cruel purpose greatly distressed the tree, and Jesus, nailed upon it, sensed this, and, in His gentle pity for all sorrow and suffering, said to it: &quot;Because of your regret and pity for My suffering, never again shall the dogwood tree grow large enough to be used as a cross. &lt;br /&gt; &quot;Henceforth it shall be slender and bent and twisted and its blossoms shall be in the form of a cross—two long and two short petals. And in the center of each petal there will be nail prints, brown with rust and stained with red, and in the center of the flower will be a crown of thorns, and all who see it will remember&quot;.
** Author unknown, &quot;Legend of the Dogwood&quot;; reported in Maxwell Droke, ''The Speaker's Special Occasion Book'' (1954), p. 159–60

====''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations''====
:&lt;small&gt;Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 114–115.&lt;/small&gt;

* There is a green hill far away, &lt;br /&gt; Without a city wall, &lt;br /&gt; Where the dear Lord was crucified &lt;br /&gt; Who died to save us all.
** [[Cecil Frances Alexander]], ''There is a Green Hill''

*Fundamentally, our Lord's message was Himself. He did not come merely to preach a Gospel; He himself is that Gospel. He did not come merely to give bread; He said, &quot;I am the bread&quot;. He did not come merely to shed light; He said, &quot;I am the light&quot;. He did not come merely to show the door; He said, &quot;I am the door&quot;. He did not come merely to name a shepherd; He said, &quot;I am the shepherd&quot;. He did not come merely to point the way; He said, &quot;I am the way, the truth, and the life&quot;.
** [[J. Sidlow Baxter]], ''Baxter's Explore the Book'' (1987) p. 308.

* Hail, O bleeding Head and wounded, &lt;br /&gt; With a crown of thorns surrounded, &lt;br /&gt; Buffeted, and bruised and battered, &lt;br /&gt; Smote with reed by striking shattered, &lt;br /&gt; Face with spittle vilely smeared! &lt;br /&gt; Hail, whose visage sweet and comely, &lt;br /&gt; Marred by fouling stains and homely, &lt;br /&gt; Changed as to its blooming color, &lt;br /&gt; All now turned to deathly pallor, &lt;br /&gt; Making heavenly hosts affeared!
** [[St. Bernard of Clairvaux]], ''Passion Hymn'', 'Braham Coles' translation

* In every pang that rends the heart &lt;br /&gt; The Man of Sorrows had a part.
** [[Michael Bruce]], ''Gospel Sonnets'', ''Christ Ascended''. Attributed to John Logan, who issued the poems with emendations of his own. &quot;Every pang that rends the heart.&quot; See also [[Oliver Goldsmith]], ''The Captivity''

* Lovely was the death &lt;br /&gt; Of Him whose life was Love! Holy with power, &lt;br /&gt; He on the thought-benighted Skeptic beamed &lt;br /&gt; Manifest Godhead.
** [[Samuel Taylor Coleridge]], ''Religious Musings'', line 29

* A pagan heart, a Christian soul had he. &lt;br /&gt; He followed Christ, yet for dead Pan he sighed, &lt;br /&gt; As if Theocritus in Sicily &lt;br /&gt; Had come upon the Figure crucified, &lt;br /&gt; And lost his gods in deep, Christ-given rest.
** [[Maurice Francis Egan]], ''Maurice de Gurin''

* Fra Lippo, we have learned from thee &lt;br /&gt; A lesson of humanity: &lt;br /&gt; To every mother's heart forlorn, &lt;br /&gt; In every house the Christ is born.
** [[R. W. Gilder]], ''A Madonna of Fra Lippo Lippi''

* In darkness there is no choice. It is light that enables us to see the differences between things; and it is Christ that gives us light.
** J. C. and A. W. Hare, ''Guesses at Truth''

* Who did leave His Father's throne, &lt;br /&gt; To assume thy flesh and bone? &lt;br /&gt; Had He life, or had He none? &lt;br /&gt; If he had not liv'd for thee, &lt;br /&gt; Thou hadst died most wretchedly &lt;br /&gt; And two deaths had been thy fee.
** [[George Herbert]], ''The Church'', ''Business''

* ''Vicisti, Galliloæ.''
** Thou hast conquered, O Galilæan.
** Attributed to [[Julian the Apostate]]. [[Montaigne]], ''Essays'', Book II, Chapter XIX. Claim dismissed by German and French scholars. Emperor Justinian at the dedication of the Cathedral of St. Sophia, built on the plan of the Temple of Jerusalem, said: &quot;I have vanquished thee, O Solomon&quot;

* All His glory and beauty come from within, and there He delights to dwell, His visits there are frequent, His conversation sweet, His comforts refreshing; and His peace passing all understanding.
** [[Thomas à Kempis]], ''Imitation of Christ'', Book II, Chapter I. Dibdin's translation

* Into the woods, my Master went, &lt;br /&gt; Clean forspent, forspent. &lt;br /&gt; Into the woods my Master came, &lt;br /&gt; Forspent with love and shame. &lt;br /&gt; But the olives they were not blind to Him, &lt;br /&gt; The little gray leaves were kind to Him: &lt;br /&gt; The thorn-tree had a mind to Him, &lt;br /&gt; When into the woods He came.
** [[Sidney Lanier]], ''A Ballad of Trees and the Master''

* God never gave man a thing to do concerning which it were irreverent to ponder how the Son of God would have done it.
** [[George MacDonald]], ''The Marquis of Lossie'', Volume II, Chapter XVII

* The foxes have holes, and the birds of the air have nests; but the Son of Man hath not where to lay his head.
** Matthew, VIII. 20

* For man he seems &lt;br /&gt; In all his lineaments, though in his face &lt;br /&gt; The glimpses of his Fathers glory shine.
** [[John Milton]], ''Paradise Regain'd'' (originally published in 1671), lines 91–93; in ''The Works of John Milton'' (1931), vol. 2, part 2, p. 408. Satan is speaking of Christ.

* The Pilot of the Galilean Lake.
** [[John Milton]], ''Lycidas'', line 109

* Near, so very near to God, &lt;br /&gt; Nearer I cannot be; &lt;br /&gt; For in the person of his Son &lt;br /&gt; I am as near as he.
** [[Catesby Paget]], ''Hymn''

* But chiefly Thou, &lt;br /&gt; Whom soft-eyed Pity once led down from Heaven &lt;br /&gt; To bleed for man, to teach him how to live, &lt;br /&gt; And, oh! still harder lesson! how to die.
** [[Beilby Porteus]], ''Death'', line 316

* The sublime title &quot;[[wikt:Χριστός|Christ]]&quot; is an adjective which only receives its specific value from the specificity of the noun, [[w:Jesus of Nazareth|Jesus of Nazareth]]. If Jesus is forgotten, then it becomes possible to fill the adjective with whatever suits at the time, without checking whether Jesus was like that or not, or whether this means leaving the world sunk in its wretchedness or not; or worse still, without asking if this image legitimates the tragedy of the world or brings liberation from it.
** [[Jon Sobrino]], ''Jesus the Liberator'' (1991), p. 15

* Thou hast conquered, O pale Galilean; &lt;br /&gt; The world has grown gray from thy breath; &lt;br /&gt; We have drunken from things Lethean, &lt;br /&gt; And fed on the fullness of death.
** [[Algernon Charles Swinburne]], ''Hymn to Proserpine''

* And so the Word had breath, and wrought &lt;br /&gt; With human hands the creed of creeds &lt;br /&gt; In loveliness of perfect deeds, &lt;br /&gt; More strong than all poetic thoughts; &lt;br /&gt; Which he may read that binds the sheaf, &lt;br /&gt; Or builds the house, or digs the grave, &lt;br /&gt; And those wild eyes that watch the waves &lt;br /&gt; In roarings round the coral reef.
** [[Alfred Tennyson]], ''[[In Memoriam A.H.H.]]'' (1849), XXXVI

* His love at once and dread instruct our thought; &lt;br /&gt; As man He suffer'd and as God He taught.
** [[Edmund Waller]], ''Of Divine Love'', Canto III, line 41

* Even to atheists he is the supremely good man, the exemplar and moral authority with whom no one may disagree.
** [[Alan Watts]], ''Beyond Theology: The Art of Godmanship'' (1964)

* Whosoever on the night of the nativity of the young Lord Jesus, in the great snows, shall fare forth bearing a succulent bone for the lost and lamenting hounds, a wisp of hay for the shivering horse, a cloak of warm raiment for the stranded wayfarer, a bundle of fagots for the twittering crone, a flagon of red wine for him whose marrow withers, a garland of bright red berries for one who has worn chains, a dish of crumbs with a song of love for all huddled birds who thought that song was dead, and divers lush sweetmeats for such babes' faces as peer from lonely windows, to him shall be proffered and returned gifts of such an astonishment as will rival the hues of the peacock and the harmonies of heaven, so that though he live to the great age when man goes stooping and querulous because of the nothing that is left of him, yet shall he walk upright and remembering, as one whose heart shines like a great star in his breast.
** Author unknown; reported in ''Respectfully Quoted: A Dictionary of Quotations'' (1989)

===The Twenty-First Century===
[[File:Caravaggio 001.jpg|thumb|God in Christ is a different kind of lord who is not in solidarity with the powerful but in solidarity with the lowly. ~ [[Joerg Rieger]]]]
[[File:ChristandThorns.jpg|thumb|Jesus...is the final priest who makes all priesthood obsolete&amp;mdash;not merely the performance of ritual sacrifice, but the office, pomp and circumstance of priestly authority and hierarchy itself. ~ Ronald E. Osborn]]

* Jesus is a remarkable person... He was on his way to becoming [[w:Christ|Christ]], and he made it.
** [[Ray Bradbury]], as quoted in [http://articles.cnn.com/2010-08-02/living/Bradbury_1_ray-bradbury-dandelion-wine-sam-weller?_s=PM:LIVING Sci-fi legend &quot;Ray Bradbury on God, 'monsters and angels'&quot; by John Blake, ''CNN : Living'' (2 August 2010)]

* [[Arius]] began to say things like this in his sermons and writings: &quot;If God and Christ were equal then Christ should be called God’s brother, not God’s Son.&quot; People puzzled about that. They were hearing now something different from this presbyter than they were hearing from the bishop. And Arius also created the very famous saying, &quot;There was a time when He was not.&quot; &quot;There was a time when the Son did not exist.&quot; So in his view, Christ became what we could call a third thing. He is neither God nor is He man, but something in between. There is God and there is the Son and there is the rest of creation. So rather than having two things you have a ''tertium quid'', a third thing — neither god nor man.
** David Calhoun, in ''Ancient &amp; Medieval Church History'' (2006), Lesson 12 &lt;!-- Dead link: http://worldwidefreeresources.com/upload/CH310_T_12.pdf --&gt;

* It's often said of Jesus that he could have saved himself, but he chose not to. And if you read the Gospels it's clear that he could have talked himself out of that crucifixion quite easily, but he was just too stubborn. The Romans didn't really want to kill him at all, but in the end they went along with it because he was being such a prick about it. The truth is he couldn't wait to get up on that cross. In fact, I think Christianity only exists because Jesus Christ just happened to be a masochist. I think he took one look at the hammer and nails and he couldn't believe his luck. He thought, &quot;Well, in three days I'll be in Heaven, but until then I'm going to enjoy myself.&quot;
** [[Pat Condell]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RCPwdfQyxe4 ''Happy Easter''] ([[April 5]], 2007; from [[w:YouTube|YouTube]])

* I've heard it suggested from some people that Christians are so irrationally obsessed with [homosexuality] because deep down they're terrified that Jesus himself might have been gay. There's no real evidence for it, but then there's no real evidence for anything to do with religion. So yeah, I'll buy it. Well, keep an open mind, that's what I always say. … If we take the actual Gospels as gospel then what we've got is a man in his thirties, unmarried in a culture where it's almost unheard of for a man of thirty to be unmarried. Plus, come on, you can't ignore the twelve boyfriends, especially when there's a missing passage from the Gospel of Mark that actually describes Jesus spending a night with a naked youth. We're told that the youth came to Jesus wearing a linen cloth over his naked body, and stayed with him that night, 'for Jesus taught him the mystery of the kingdom of God.' I bet he did. Along with one or two other little mysteries while he was at it. Well, why not? He was only human. The apostle John repeatedly refers to himself as the one who Jesus specially loved. I don't know whether he meant it &quot;in the Greek manner&quot;, so to speak, but what would it matter if he did? This is the point. If Jesus was gay, would it negate the teachings and the parables? Would the Sermon on the Mount lose its authority if preached by the queen of queens rather than the king of kings? And if somebody could prove historically, beyond all doubt, that Jesus was in fact homosexual, would Christians then reject Jesus, or would they reject the evidence as usual? Your guess is as good as mine. From what I've read in the Gospels, I think Jesus was a pretty common sense sort of person, and I don't think he would have had a problem with anybody being who they are. I do think, though, that he had a problem with people who pretend to be one thing while being another.
** [[Pat Condell]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ReYfDlIa-Z8 ''Was Jesus gay?''] ([[November 2]], 2007; from [[w:YouTube|YouTube]])

*Jesus of Nazareth (4.0) 6 1 1 2 1 (His point in evolution &amp; rays)  
**[[Benjamin Creme]] in The List of [[Initiation (theosophy)|Initiates]], Their rays and stage of evolution, as published in ''Maitreya’s Mission Volumes One, Two and Three'', as well as those published in ''Share International'' between April 1997 and August 2014.

* Of course Jesus was a theist, but that is the least interesting thing about him. He was a theist because, in his time, everybody was. Atheism was not an option, even for so radical a thinker as Jesus. What was interesting and remarkable about Jesus was not the obvious fact that he believed in the God of his Jewish religion, but that he rebelled against many aspects of Yahweh's vengeful nastiness. At least in the teachings that are attributed to him, he publicly advocated niceness and was one of the first to do so. To those steeped in the Sharia-like cruelties of Leviticus and Deuteronomy; to those brought up to fear the vindictive, Ayatollah-like God of Abraham and Isaac, a charismatic young preacher who advocated generous forgiveness must have seemed radical to the point of subversion. No wonder they nailed him.
** [[Richard Dawkins]], essay ''[http://old.richarddawkins.net/articles/20-atheists-for-jesus Atheists for Jesus]'' (April 2006)

[[File:Juan de Juanes 002.jpg|thumb|Jesus Christ—who, as it turns out, was born of a virgin, cheated death, and rose bodily into the heavens—can now be eaten in the form of a cracker.~ [[Sam Harris]]]]

* “Gentle Jesus, meek and mild.
** [[Richard Dawkins]] as quoted by [[w:Alister McGrath|Alister McGrath]], &quot;''The Dawkins Delusion: Atheist Fundamentalism and the Denial of the Divine''&quot; (2011)

* In 1939, in a stadium much like this, in Munich Germany, they packed it out with young men and women in brown shirts, for a fanatical man standing behind a podium named Adolf Hitler, the personification of evil. And in that stadium, those in brown shirts formed with their bodies a sign that said, in the whole stadium, &quot;Hitler, we are yours.&quot; And they nearly took the world. Lenin once said, &quot;give me 100 committed, totally committed men and I'll change the world.&quot; And, he nearly did. A few years ago, they took the sayings of Chairman Mao, in China, put them in a little red book, and a group of young people committed them to memory and put it in their minds and they took that nation, the largest nation in the world by storm because they committed to memory the sayings of the Chairman Mao. When I hear those kinds of stories, I think 'what would happen if American Christians, if world Christians, if just the Christians in this stadium, followers of Christ, would say 'Jesus, we are yours'? What kind of spiritual awakening would we have?
** Pastor [[Rick Warren]] (17 April [[2005]]) speech at the Anaheim Angels sports stadium, [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bruce-wilson/follow-jesus-like-nazis-f_b_158295.html transcript and video]

* Jesus Christ—who, as it turns out, was born of a virgin, cheated death, and rose bodily into the heavens—can now be eaten in the form of a cracker.
** [[Sam Harris]], ''The End of Faith'' (2004), p. 73

* If you wake up tomorrow morning thinking that saying a few Latin words over your pancakes is going to turn them into the body of [[Elvis Presley]], you have lost your mind. But if you think more or less the same thing about a cracker and the body of Jesus, you're just a Catholic.
** [[Sam Harris]], [[w:Notre Dame University|Notre Dame]] [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ljXCHgPaZO4 debate] with William Lane Craig, 7&amp;nbsp;April 2011

* The god of Moses would call for other tribes, including his favorite one, to suffer massacre and plague and even extirpation, but when the grave closed over his victims he was essentially finished with them unless he remembered to curse their succeeding progeny. Not until the advent of the Prince of Peace do we hear of the ghastly idea of further punishing and torturing the dead.
** [[w:Christopher Hitchens|Christopher Hitchens]], ''[[God is Not Great|God is not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything]]'', pp.&amp;nbsp;175–176 (2007)}

* [Christ of Revelation] comes forth as one who no longer seeks either friendship or love … His garments are dipped in blood, the blood of others. He descends that he may shed the blood of men.
** Isaac Haldemann, quoted by [[w:Karen Armstrong|Karen Armstrong]] (2007) in ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=abDXgrePDLUC&amp;pg=PA209&amp;dq=isaac+haldemann&amp;sig=-BYPkXqdcqeeRhAMQx3PhTQw4Nc The Bible: A Biography]'', p. 209

* [[Jesus]] is great — is there a better role model? No. It's religion, it's the people who get in between — the bureaucracy, you know. … It's the way people abuse Jesus. Was there ever a greater victim of name dropping?
** [[Bill Maher]], ''Be More Cynical'' (2000) - [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h4WMBzived0 YouTube clip &quot;Bill Maher on Jesus&quot;]
** Variants: '''I love Jesus. I just don’t like the Christians who don’t believe in what he says.'''
*** [http://www.billmaher.com/?page_id=145 ''Realtime'' (7 October 2005)]
**''' Jesus, as a philosopher is wonderful. There's no greater role model, in my view, than Jesus Christ.''' It's just a shame that most of the people who follow him and call themselves Christians act nothing like him.
*** Interviewed on ''The O'Reilly Factor'' (26 September 2006) - [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2555oNAMcfA YouTube clip &quot;Fox's O'Reilly: Bill Maher Looks Bigoted Not John Rocker?&quot;]

* '''Jesus ... is the final priest who makes all priesthood obsolete — not merely the performance of ritual sacrifice, but the office, pomp and circumstance of priestly authority and hierarchy itself.''' Instead of deferring to any caste of religious hierarchs, followers of the Way are thus now summoned to collectively ''be'' a &quot;royal priesthood,&quot; a &quot;chosen race&quot; or &quot;holy nation&quot; built not upon offices of any kind but upon transferred allegiance to God's in-breaking &quot;kingdom.&quot;
** Ronald E. Osborn, ''Anarchy and Apocalypse : Essays on Faith, Violence, and Theodicy'' (2010), pp.35–36

* Although Christ commits many acts that might be considered revolutionary […] He is nonetheless explicitly portrayed in the Gospels as the master of [[tradition]].
** [[Jordan Peterson]], ''[[Beyond Order]]'' (2021), p. 197

* God in Christ is a different kind of lord who is not in solidarity with the powerful but in solidarity with the lowly. ... This position&amp;mdash;at the heart of the new world proclaimed by [[Paul of Tarsus|Paul]]&amp;mdash;directly contradicts the logic of the Roman Empire.
** [[Joerg Rieger]], ''Christ and Empire'' (2007), p. 52

* I wear this Saint Christopher medal sometimes because — I'm Jewish — but my boyfriend is Catholic. It was cute, the way he gave it to me. He said if it doesn't burn through my skin, it will protect me. Who cares? Different religions. &lt;br /&gt; The only time it's an issue, I suppose, would be like if you're having a baby and you've got to figure out how you want to raise it. Which still wouldn't be an issue for us, because we'd be … honest, and just say, you know, like, &quot;Mommy is one of the chosen people … and daddy believes that Jesus is ''[[magic]]''!&quot;
** [[Sarah Silverman]] in ''[[w:Sarah Silverman: Jesus Is Magic|Jesus Is Magic]]'' (2005)

* I don't believe in Jesus or [[God]]. But I do believe that fundamentalists in religion or anything else are bad, and that they have more hate than love. Jesus' words have become so perverted over time — it's been like a [[w:Chinese whispers|game of telephone]]. If he existed, Jesus would fuckin' kill himself.
** [[Sarah Silverman]], in an interview with boyfriend [[Jimmy Kimmel]] for ''Esquire'' magazine (January 2007)

* Jesus is said to have said on the cross, &quot;My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?&quot; Because Jesus was insane and the God he thought would rescue him did not exist. And he died on that cross like a fool. He fancied himself the son of God and he could barely convince twelve men to follow him at a time when the world was full of superstition.
** [[w:Cenk Uygur|Cenk Uygur]], [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/cenk-uygur/if-youre-a-christian-musl_b_9349.html &quot;If You're a Christian, Muslim or Jew - You are Wrong&quot;, ''The Huffington Post'' (25 May 2011)]

* &quot;It {{anchor|WenhamJW2005}}now seems to me that these resurrection stories exhibit in a remarkable way the well-known characteristics of accurate and independent reporting, for superficially they show great disharmony, but on close examination the details gradually fall into place.&quot; (Wenham 2005 p11.)
**&quot;I first became interested in the subject in 1945 when living in Jerusalem....&quot; (Wenham 2005 p10.) [John Wenham also wrote &quot;The Elements of New Testament Greek&quot; (Cambridge: Cambridge University Press, 1965, 1991).]
**&quot;None of them [the gospel writers and Paul] attempts to tell the whole story; all would echo John's closing words: &quot;There are also many other things which Jesus did; were every one of them to be written, I suppose that the world itself could not contain the books that would be written.&quot;&quot; (Wenham 2005 p43.)
**&quot;Bethany was nearly two miles from the city....&quot; (Wenham 2005 p45.)
**&quot;… the Paschal full moon.&quot; (Wenham 2005 p49.)
**&quot;...it could have been undeniably dark on the women's departure and undeniably light on their arrival, particularly if their starting-point were Bethany.... the words &quot;went&quot; in Matthew, Mark and Luke [RSV] translate the same verb as the &quot;came&quot; in John.... If John is thinking of Mary Magdalene setting off from Bethany, the translation &quot;went to the tomb early, while it was still dark&quot; would be precisely accurate.&quot; (Wenham 2005 pp81f re John 20:1.)
**&quot;Mary's words '&lt;i&gt;we&lt;/i&gt; do not know where they have laid him' clearly imply the presence of other women.&quot; (Wenham 2005 p91, emphasis Wenham's, re John 20:2.)
**&quot;… an angel, depicted as all biblical angels are, not as a winged creature, but as a man. The two-winged cherubim and six-winged seraphim are scarcely angels.&quot; (Wenham 2005 p85.)
**&quot;If witnesses, who had been in the tomb at the same time, had been asked independently, &quot;Precisely how many men did you see?&quot; and had given different answers, that would have shown one or other to be unreliable. But these witnesses are not answering the question &quot;How many?&quot;, they are giving (as all descriptions must be) incomplete descriptions of a complex event.&quot; (Wenham 2005 p87.)
**&quot;John.... saw, not disorder left by grave-robbers, but the visible tokens of his master set free from the bonds of death.&quot; (Wenham 2005 p93 re John 20:8 &quot;saw, and believed&quot;.)
**&quot;As the two appearances [of the Saviour] are distinct, that to Mary Magdalene must be put first (as Mark 16:9 says) and the second must be put at a sufficient interval after the women's flight from the tomb to allow for all the comings and goings recorded by John.... this [second] meeting [Matthew 28:9,10 &quot;Jesus met them&quot;] somewhere on the track between Jerusalem and Bethany....&quot; (Wenham 2005 p95f.)
*** [[w:John Wenham|John W Wenham,]] (1984, 1992, 2005), &quot;Easter Enigma – Are the Resurrection Accounts in Conflict?&quot; Milton Keynes, England: Paternoster. Eugene, Oregon: Wipf &amp; Stock. Chapters 7–11

* There's a lot of need for Jesus, so there is a lot of Jesus.
** the Nordic god [[w:Wuotan|Wuotan]] in the speculative fiction television series ''[[American Gods (TV series)|American Gods]]'' (first season, 2017)

==See also==
* [[Ageless Wisdom teachings]]
* [[Bible]]
* [[Christ]]
* [[Christianity]]
* [[Christian anarchism]]
* [[Gospel of John]]
* [[Gospel of Luke]]
* [[Gospel of Mark]]
* [[Gospel of Matthew]]
* [[Gospel of Thomas]]
* [[Masters of Wisdom]]
* [[New Testament]]
* [[Prophecies]]
* [[Race and appearance of Jesus]]
* [[Second Coming]]

==External links==
{{Wikipedia}}{{Wiktionary}}{{commonscat|Jesus Christ}}{{wikisource author|Jesus of Nazareth}}
*{{nndb name|774/000027693}}

A Brief List of further sources of the statements of Jesus, and information on various Christian Scriptures and Doctrines.

'''Canonical Scripture:'''
* [http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/cgi-bin/search/t9.cgi?entry=10a&amp;full=yes&amp;ftpsite= Gutenberg eText of the ''King James Version'' of the ''Holy Bible''] recognized as one of the most beautiful but not necessarily perfect translations by most Protestant denominations; it is the most quoted translation by English-speaking people, Christian and non-Christian.
* [http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/cgi-bin/search/t9.cgi?entry=124&amp;full=yes&amp;ftpsite= Gutenberg eText of &quot;Old Testament&quot; Apocrypha]
* [http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/cgi-bin/search/t9.cgi?entry=1581&amp;full=yes&amp;ftpsite= Gutenberg eText of a &quot;Douay-Rheims&quot; version of the ''Holy Bible''] such as is recommended by Roman Catholic authorities.
* [http://www.usccb.org/nab/bible New American Bible]

'''Gospel of Thomas:'''
* [http://www.gnostic.org/gospel_thomas/compare_gosp_thom7.htm 5 translations of the Coptic text presented in parallel format, + 3 from the Greek]
*[http://www.gospelthomas.com/cgi-bin/grondin?saying=1 SPLIT SCREEN Versions of ''The Gospel of Thomas''] This is one of the most informative presentations available, for those whose browsers will permit its use.
* [http://www.sacred-texts.com/chr/thomas.htm '''Gospel of Thomas'''] as translated by Lambdin from the Coptic texts; and Grenfell, Hunt, and Layton from the Greek fragments
*[http://www.earlychristianwritings.com/thomas/ '''Gospel of Thomas''' + Commentary]
*[http://web.archive.org/web/20081003185050/http://www.geocities.com/Athens/9068/ Coptic-English INTERLINEAL Gospel of Thomas]
* List of ''[http://www.earlychristianwritings.com/thomas.html Gospel of Thomas]'' versions Online

'''Other Christian and Spiritual Writings:'''
* [http://www.sacred-texts.com/chr/index.htm Christian Texts at Sacred-Texts.com]
* [http://www.sacred-texts.com/chr/ecf.htm Early Writings of Christian Leaders]
*[http://www.earlychristianwritings.com/onlinebooks.html Christian Writings]
*[http://www.ccel.org/ Christian Classics Ethereal Library]
*[http://www.sacred-texts.com/index.htm Sacred Texts of the World's Faiths]

[[Category:God]]
[[Category:1st century deaths]]
[[Category:People from Bethlehem]]
[[Category:People from Nazareth]]
[[Category:Islamic mythology]]
[[Category:Prophets]]
[[Category:Philosophers]]
[[Category:Founders of religions]]
[[Category:Self-declared messiahs]]
[[Category:Executed people]]
[[Category:Israeli Jews]]
[[Category:Palestinian Jews]]
[[Category:Mystics]]
[[Category:Occultists]]
[[Category:Spiritual teachers]]</text>
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      <text bytes="433963" xml:space="preserve">[[File:William-Adolphe Bouguereau The Virgin With Angels.jpg|thumb|You shall [[know]] the [[truth]], and the truth shall set you [[free]]. ]]
'''[[w:Jesus|Jesus of Nazareth]]''' (c. 4 BC – AD 30 / 33), also known as '''Jesus [[Christ]]''', '''[[w:Yeshua|Yeshua]]''', '''[[w:Jesus in the Talmud|Yeshu]]''', and '''[[w:Jesus in Islam|Isa]]''', is the central figure of [[Christianity]], a [[Philosophy|philosopher]] and [[w:Rabbi|teacher]]. He is believed to be the [[Messiah]] of ultimate salvation and the [[w:Son of God|Son of God]] by followers of [[Christianity|Christian]] traditions. [[w:Manichaeism|Manichaeans]], [[Gnosticism|Gnostics]], [[Islam|Muslims]], [[Bahá'í Faith|Bahá'ís]], and others have found prominent places for Jesus in their religions.
:''All Biblical quotes in this article should specify the translation or version which is being used''.
[[File:Leonardo da Vinci, Salvator Mundi, c.1500, oil on walnut, 45.4 × 65.6 cm.jpg|thumb|[[Repent]]: for the [[w:Kingdom of Heaven (Gospel of Matthew)|kingdom of heaven]] is at [[hand]].]]
[[File:Christ, by Heinrich Hofmann.jpg|thumb|A new [[command|commandment]] I give unto you, That ye [[love]] one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall [[all]] [[men]] [[know]] that ye are my [[disciples]], if ye have love one to another.]]
[[File:Кошелев Николай Голова Христа.jpg|thumb|Those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who [[humble]] themselves will be exalted.]]
[[File:1135 Mosaikikone mit Christus dem Barmherzigen Bodemuseum anagoria.JPG|thumb|The [[Spirit]] of [[God|the Lord]] is on me, because he has anointed me to proclaim [[good]] [[news]] to the [[poor]]. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the [[prisoners]] and recovery of [[sight]] for the [[blind]], to set the [[oppressed]] free, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor.]]
[[File:Cristo entra a gerusalemme, dall'oratorio di giovanni VII già in san pietro, 705-706.jpg|thumb|&quot;When saw we thee [[sick]], or in [[prison]], and came unto thee?&quot; Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my [[brethren]], ye have done it unto me.]]
[[File:Hoffman-ChristAndTheRichYoungRuler.jpg|thumb| For it is easier for a [[camel]] to go through a needle's [[eye]], than for a [[rich]] man to enter into the [[kingdom of God]].]]
[[File:Himmelfartsbillede i St. Petri Kirke (Hendrik Krock).JPG|thumb|I ascend unto my Father, and your Father; and to my God, and your God.]]
[[File:Die_Predigt_Christi.jpg|thumb|And this is [[eternal]] [[life]], that they might know thee the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom thou hast sent.]]
[[File:Annibale Carracci, Cristo e la Cananea, 1595, Parma.jpg|thumb|What is a man [[profited]], if he shall gain the whole [[world]], and lose his own [[soul]]?]]
[[File:Pencz Christ.jpg|thumb|Enter by the narrow [[gate]]; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to [[destruction]], and there are many who go in by it. Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to [[life]], and there are few who find it.]]
[[File:Brooklyn Museum - The Pharisees Question Jesus (Les pharisiens questionnent Jésus) - James Tissot.jpg|thumb|What is exalted among men is an abomination in the sight of [[God]].]]

== [[New Testament]] ==
{{main|New Testament}}
The sayings of Jesus as recorded in the [[New Testament]] have had a profound effect on human history and culture. The most often quoted English translation is the [[w:Authorized King James Version|Authorized King James Version]] (KJV), first published by the [[w:Church of England|Church of England]] in 1611.
:''Some of the most well-known quotes are in '''bold.'''''

=== [[Gospel of Matthew]] ===
[[File:William-Adolphe Bouguereau (1825-1905) - The Flagellation of Our Lord Jesus Christ (1880).jpg|thumb|I say unto you, [[Love]] your [[enemies]], [[bless]] them that [[curse]] you, do [[good]] to them that [[hate]] you, and [[pray]] for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; That ye may be the [[children]] of your [[Father]] which is in [[heaven]]: for he maketh his [[sun]] to rise on the [[evil]] and on the good, and sendeth [[rain]] on the [[just]] and on the unjust.]]
&lt;!-- include only statements ''by'' Jesus here that are not already included above, otherwise go to Gospel of [[Matthew]] --&gt;
====Chapters 1–4====
* Suffer it to be so now: for thus it becometh us to fulfil all righteousness.
**3:15 (KJV) Said to [[w:John the Baptist|John the Baptist]].

*It is written, '''Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God'''.
** 4:4 (KJV) Said to [[Satan]]. The reference is to Deuteronomy 8:3, &quot;... that he might make thee know that man doth not live by bread only, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of the Lord doth man live.&quot; (KJV)

*It is written again, '''Thou shalt not tempt the Lord thy God.'''
**4:7 (KJV) Said to Satan. The reference is to Deuteronomy 6:16, &quot;Ye shall not tempt the Lord your God, as ye tempted him in Massah.&quot; (KJV)

*'''Get thee hence, Satan''': for it is written, '''Thou shalt worship the Lord thy God, and him only shalt thou serve'''.
**4:10 (KJV) Said to Satan.

*'''Repent: for the [[w:Kingdom of God|kingdom of heaven]] is at hand.'''
**4:17 (KJV)

*'''Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.'''
**4:19 (KJV) Said to Peter and Andrew

====Chapters 5–7, the [[w:Sermon on the Mount|Sermon on the Mount]]====
* '''Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. &lt;br /&gt; Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. &lt;br /&gt; Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. &lt;br /&gt; Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. &lt;br /&gt; Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. &lt;br /&gt; Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. &lt;br /&gt; Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God. &lt;br /&gt; Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the [[w:Kingdom of God|kingdom of heaven]]. &lt;br /&gt; Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. &lt;br /&gt; Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.'''
** 5:1–12 (NIV) Often referred to as &quot;[[The Beatitudes]]&quot; this is the start of &quot;The [[w:Sermon on the Mount|Sermon on the Mount]]&quot;.

* You are the salt of the earth; but if the salt loses its flavor, how shall it be seasoned? It is then good for nothing but to be thrown out and trampled underfoot by men. You are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do they light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. '''Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.'''
**Matthew 5:13–16 (NIV) (See also: Mark 9:50; Luke 14:34, 35)

* But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment: and whosoever shall say to his brother, [[:wikt:raca|Raca]], shall be in danger of the council: but whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire.
** [[w:Matthew 5:22|5:22]], ''[[King James Version]]''.

* You have heard that it was said, &quot;Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.&quot; But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles.
**5:38–41 (NIV)

* You have heard that it was said to those of old, 'You shall not commit adultery.' '''But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.''' If your right eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell.
** Exodus 20:14, Seventh Commandment
**Matthew 5:27–30 (NKJV)

* Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy. But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.
**Matthew 5:43–45 (KJV)
&lt;!--* After this manner therefore pray ye: '''Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen.'''
** Matthew 6:9–13 (KJV) (see below)--&gt;

* '''Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them.'''
** Matthew 6:26 (NKJV)

* '''Keep on, then, seeking first the [[Kingdom of God|Kingdom]] and his [[righteousness]], and all these other things will be added to you.''' So never be anxious about the next day, for the next day will have its own anxieties. Each day has enough of its own troubles.
** ''[http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/matthew/6/ Matthew 6:33-34]'', [[New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures]]

* '''Judge not, that you be not judged.''' For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. '''And why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye?''' Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me remove the speck from your eye'; and look, a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.
**Matthew 7:1–5 (NKJV) (Also Luke 6:37–42)

* '''Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.''' For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.
**Matthew 7:7–8 (NKJV) (Also Luke 11:9–13)

*'''Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it. Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it.'''
**Matthew 7:13–14 (NKJV) (Also Luke 13:24)

* Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.
** Matthew 7:15 (KJV)

* Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them.
** Matthew 7:20 (KJV)

* Not everyone who says to Me, 'Lord, Lord,' shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in heaven. Many will say to Me in that day, 'Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in Your name, cast out demons in Your name, and done many wonders in Your name?' And then I will declare to them, 'I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness!'
**Matthew 7:21–23 (NKJV) (Also Luke 6:24; 13:26, 27)

* Therefore whoever hears these sayings of Mine, and does them, I will liken him to a wise man who built his house on the rock: and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it did not fall, for it was founded on the rock.
* But everyone who hears these sayings of Mine, and does not do them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand: and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it fell. And great was its fall.
**Matthew 7:24–27 (NKJV) (Also Luke 6:47–49)

====Chapters 8–12====
*See thou tell no man; but go thy way, shew thyself to the priest, and offer the gift that Moses commanded, for a testimony unto them.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 8:4] (KJV) Said to a man cured of leprosy.

*I will come and heal him.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 8:7] (KJV) Said to a Roman officer.

*Verily I say unto you, I have not found so great faith, no, not in Israel. And I say unto you, That many shall come from the east and west, and shall sit down with Abraham, and Isaac, and Jacob, in the kingdom of heaven. But the children of the kingdom shall be cast out into outer darkness: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 8:10–12] (KJV) Said about the officer.

*'''Go thy way; and as thou hast believed, so be it done unto thee.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 8:13] (KJV) Said to the officer.

*'''The [[fox]]es have holes, and the birds of the air have nests; but the Son of man hath not where to lay his head'''.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 8:20] (KJV)

*'''Follow me; and let the dead bury their dead.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 8:22] (KJV)

*Why are ye fearful, '''O ye of little faith'''?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 8:26] (KJV)

*Go.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 8:32] (KJV) Said to devils which were possessing a man.

*Son, be of good cheer; thy sins be forgiven thee.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 9:2] (KJV) Said to a man sick of the palsy.

*Wherefore think ye evil in your hearts? For whether is easier, to say, Thy sins be forgiven thee; or to say, Arise, and walk? But that ye may know that the Son of man hath power on earth to forgive sins, (then saith he to the sick of the palsy,) Arise, take up thy bed, and go unto thine house.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 9:4–6] (KJV) Said to some scribes.

*Follow me.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 9:9] (KJV) Said to Matthew.

*'''They that be whole need not a physician, but they that are sick'''. But go ye and learn what that meaneth, I will have mercy, and not sacrifice: for I am not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 9:12–13] (KJV)

*Can the children of the bridechamber mourn, as long as the bridegroom is with them? but the days will come, when the bridegroom shall be taken from them, and then shall they fast. '''No man putteth a piece of new cloth unto an old garment, for that which is put in to fill it up taketh from the garment, and the rent is made worse. Neither do men put new wine into old bottles: else the bottles break, and the wine runneth out, and the bottles perish: but they put new wine into new bottles, and both are preserved'''.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 9:15–17] (KJV)

* Daughter, be of good comfort; thy faith hath made thee whole.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 9:22] (KJV) Said to a woman, diseased with an issue of blood, who touched the hem of his garment.

* Give place: for the maid is not dead, but sleepeth.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 9:24] (KJV) Said about a girl thought to be dead.

* Believe ye that I am able to do this?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 9:28] (KJV) Said to two blind men.

* According to your faith be it unto you.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 9:29] (KJV) Said to the two blind men.

* See that no man know it.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 9:30] (KJV) Said to the two blind men.

* '''The harvest truly is plenteous, but the labourers are few; Pray ye therefore the Lord of the harvest, that he will send forth labourers into his harvest'''.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 9:37–38] (KJV)

*Brother will betray brother to death, and a father his child. Children will even rise up against their parents and have them put to death.
** [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2010:21;&amp;version=77; 10:21] (HCSB) Said to his disciples.

*Go not into the way of the Gentiles, and into any city of the Samaritans enter ye not: But go rather to the lost sheep of the house of Israel. And as ye go, preach, saying, The kingdom of heaven is at hand. Heal the sick, cleanse the lepers, raise the dead, cast out devils: freely ye have received, freely give. Provide neither gold, nor silver, nor brass in your purses, Nor scrip for your journey, neither two coats, neither shoes, nor yet staves: for the workman is worthy of his meat. And into whatsoever city or town ye shall enter, inquire who in it is worthy; and there abide till ye go thence. And when ye come into an house, salute it. And if the house be worthy, let your peace come upon it: but if it be not worthy, let your peace return to you. And whosoever shall not receive you, nor hear your words, when ye depart out of that house or city, shake off the dust of your feet. Verily I say unto you, It shall be more tolerable for the land of Sodom and Gomorrha in the day of judgment, than for that city. Behold, '''I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves'''. But beware of men: for they will deliver you up to the councils, and they will scourge you in their synagogues; And ye shall be brought before governors and kings for my sake, for a testimony against them and the Gentiles. '''But when they deliver you up, take no thought how or what ye shall speak: for it shall be given you in that same hour what ye shall speak. For it is not ye that speak, but the Spirit of your Father which speaketh in you. And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death. And ye shall be hated of all men for my name's sake: but he that endureth to the end shall be saved'''. But when they persecute you in this city, flee ye into another: for verily I say unto you, Ye shall not have gone over the cities of Israel, till the Son of man be come. The disciple is not above his master, nor the servant above his lord. It is enough for the disciple that he be as his master, and the servant as his lord. If they have called the master of the house Beelzebub, how much more shall they call them of his household? Fear them not therefore: for there is nothing covered, that shall not be revealed; and hid, that shall not be known. What I tell you in darkness, that speak ye in light: and what ye hear in the ear, that preach ye upon the housetops. '''And fear not them which kill the body, but are not able to kill the soul: but rather fear him which is able to destroy both soul and body in hell. Are not two sparrows sold for a farthing? and one of them shall not fall on the ground without your Father. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear ye not therefore, ye are of more value than many sparrows. Whosoever therefore shall confess me before men, him will I confess also before my Father which is in heaven. But whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my Father which is in heaven. Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword. For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. And a man's foes shall be they of his own household. He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me. He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it.''' He that receiveth you receiveth me, and he that receiveth me receiveth him that sent me. He that receiveth a prophet in the name of a prophet shall receive a prophet's reward; and he that receiveth a righteous man in the name of a righteous man shall receive a righteous man's reward. And whosoever shall give to drink unto one of these little ones a cup of cold water only in the name of a disciple, verily I say unto you, he shall in no wise lose his reward.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 10:5–42] (KJV) Said to his disciples.

* For I came to cause division, with a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. 36 Indeed, a man’s enemies will be those of his own household.
** [http://wol.jw.org/en/wol/b/r1/lp-e/nwt/E/2013/40/10#h=84:318-84:467 10:35,36], [[New World Translation]]

*Go and shew John again those things which ye do hear and see: The blind receive their sight, and the lame walk, the lepers are cleansed, and the deaf hear, the dead are raised up, and the poor have the gospel preached to them. And blessed is he, whosoever shall not be offended in me.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 11:4–6] (KJV)

*What went ye out into the wilderness to see? A reed shaken with the wind? But what went ye out for to see? A man clothed in soft raiment? behold, they that wear soft clothing are in kings' houses. But what went ye out for to see? A prophet? yea, I say unto you, and more than a prophet. For this is he, of whom it is written, Behold, I send my messenger before thy face, which shall prepare thy way before thee. Verily I say unto you, Among them that are born of women there hath not risen a greater than John the Baptist: notwithstanding he that is least in the kingdom of heaven is greater than he. And from the days of John the Baptist until now the kingdom of heaven suffereth violence, and the violent take it by force. For all the prophets and the law prophesied until John. And if ye will receive it, this is Elias, which was for to come. He that hath ears to hear, let him hear. But whereunto shall I liken this generation? It is like unto children sitting in the markets, and calling unto their fellows, And saying, We have piped unto you, and ye have not danced; we have mourned unto you, and ye have not lamented. For John came neither eating nor drinking, and they say, He hath a devil. The Son of man came eating and drinking, and they say, Behold a man gluttonous, and a winebibber, a friend of publicans and sinners. But wisdom is justified of her children.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 11:7–19] (KJV)

*Woe unto thee, Chorazin! woe unto thee, Bethsaida! for if the mighty works, which were done in you, had been done in Tyre and Sidon, they would have repented long ago in sackcloth and ashes. But I say unto you, It shall be more tolerable for Tyre and Sidon at the day of judgment, than for you. And thou, Capernaum, which art exalted unto heaven, shalt be brought down to hell: for if the mighty works, which have been done in thee, had been done in Sodom, it would have remained until this day. But I say unto you, That it shall be more tolerable for the land of Sodom in the day of judgment, than for thee.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 11:21–24] (KJV)

*I thank thee, O Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because thou hast hid these things from the wise and prudent, and hast revealed them unto babes. Even so, Father: for so it seemed good in thy sight. All things are delivered unto me of my Father: and no man knoweth the Son, but the Father; neither knoweth any man the Father, save the Son, and he to whomsoever the Son will reveal him. '''Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 11:25–30] (KJV)

*Have ye not read what David did, when he was an hungred, and they that were with him; How he entered into the house of God, and did eat the shewbread, which was not lawful for him to eat, neither for them which were with him, but only for the priests? Or have ye not read in the law, how that on the sabbath days the priests in the temple profane the sabbath, and are blameless? But I say unto you, That in this place is one greater than the temple. But if ye had known what this meaneth, I will have mercy, and not sacrifice, ye would not have condemned the guiltless. For the Son of man is Lord even of the sabbath day.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 12:3–8] (KJV) Said to some Pharisees.

*What man shall there be among you, that shall have one sheep, and if it fall into a pit on the sabbath day, will he not lay hold on it, and lift it out? How much then is a man better than a sheep? Wherefore it is lawful to do well on the sabbath days.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 12:11–12] (KJV) Said to the Pharisees.

*Stretch forth thine hand.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 12:13] (KJV) Said to a man with a withered hand.

*'''Every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation; and every city or house divided against itself shall not stand: And if Satan cast out Satan, he is divided against himself; how shall then his kingdom stand?''' And if I by Beelzebub cast out devils, by whom do your children cast them out? therefore they shall be your judges. But if I cast out devils by the Spirit of God, then the kingdom of God is come unto you. Or else how can one enter into a strong man's house, and spoil his goods, except he first bind the strong man? and then he will spoil his house. He that is not with me is against me; and he that gathereth not with me scattereth abroad. Wherefore I say unto you, '''All manner of sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven unto men: but the blasphemy against the Holy Ghost shall not be forgiven unto men. And whosoever speaketh a word against the Son of man, it shall be forgiven him: but whosoever speaketh against the Holy Ghost, it shall not be forgiven him, neither in this world, neither in the world to come'''. Either make the tree good, and his fruit good; or else make the tree corrupt, and his fruit corrupt: for the tree is known by his fruit. O generation of vipers, how can ye, being evil, speak good things? for out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh. A good man out of the good treasure of the heart bringeth forth good things: and an evil man out of the evil treasure bringeth forth evil things. But I say unto you, That every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment. For by thy words thou shalt be justified, and by thy words thou shalt be condemned.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 12:25–37] (KJV)

Variant:

* He that is not on my side is against me, and he that does not gather with me scatters.
** 12:30, [[New World Translation]]

*An evil and adulterous generation seeketh after a sign; and there shall no sign be given to it, but the sign of the prophet Jonas: For as Jonas was three days and three nights in the whale's belly; so shall the Son of man be three days and three nights in the heart of the earth. The men of Nineveh shall rise in judgment with this generation, and shall condemn it: because they repented at the preaching of Jonas; and, behold, a greater than Jonas is here. The queen of the south shall rise up in the judgment with this generation, and shall condemn it: for she came from the uttermost parts of the earth to hear the wisdom of Solomon; and, behold, a greater than Solomon is here. When the unclean spirit is gone out of a man, he walketh through dry places, seeking rest, and findeth none. Then he saith, I will return into my house from whence I came out; and when he is come, he findeth it empty, swept, and garnished. Then goeth he, and taketh with himself seven other spirits more wicked than himself, and they enter in and dwell there: and the last state of that man is worse than the first. Even so shall it be also unto this wicked generation.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 12:39–45] (KJV)

*'''Who is my mother? and who are my brethren? And he stretched forth his hand toward his disciples, and said, Behold my mother and my brethren! For whosoever shall do the will of my Father which is in heaven, the same is my brother, and sister, and mother.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 12:48–50] (KJV)

====Chapters 13–16====
*Behold, a sower went forth to sow; And when he sowed, some seeds fell by the way side, and the fowls came and devoured them up: Some fell upon stony places, where they had not much earth: and forthwith they sprung up, because they had no deepness of earth: And when the sun was up, they were scorched; and because they had no root, they withered away. And some fell among thorns; and the thorns sprung up, and choked them: But other fell into good ground, and brought forth fruit, some an hundredfold, some sixtyfold, some thirtyfold. Who hath ears to hear, let him hear.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 13:3–9] (KJV)

*Because it is given unto you to know the mysteries of the kingdom of heaven, but to them it is not given. For whosoever hath, to him shall be given, and he shall have more abundance: but whosoever hath not, from him shall be taken away even that he hath. Therefore speak I to them in parables: because they seeing see not; and hearing they hear not, neither do they understand. And in them is fulfilled the prophecy of Esaias, which saith, By hearing ye shall hear, and shall not understand; and seeing ye shall see, and shall not perceive: For this people's heart is waxed gross, and their ears are dull of hearing, and their eyes they have closed; lest at any time they should see with their eyes, and hear with their ears, and should understand with their heart, and should be converted, and I should heal them. But blessed are your eyes, for they see: and your ears, for they hear. For verily I say unto you, That many prophets and righteous men have desired to see those things which ye see, and have not seen them; and to hear those things which ye hear, and have not heard them. Hear ye therefore the parable of the sower. When any one heareth the word of the kingdom, and understandeth it not, then cometh the wicked one, and catcheth away that which was sown in his heart. This is he which received seed by the way side. But he that received the seed into stony places, the same is he that heareth the word, and anon with joy receiveth it; Yet hath he not root in himself, but dureth for a while: for when tribulation or persecution ariseth because of the word, by and by he is offended. He also that received seed among the thorns is he that heareth the word; and the care of this world, and the deceitfulness of riches, choke the word, and he becometh unfruitful. But he that received seed into the good ground is he that heareth the word, and understandeth it; which also beareth fruit, and bringeth forth, some an hundredfold, some sixty, some thirty.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 13:11–23] (KJV) Said to his disciples when they asked why he spoke in parables.

*Another parable put he forth unto them, saying, The kingdom of heaven is likened unto a man which sowed good seed in his field: But while men slept, his enemy came and sowed tares among the wheat, and went his way. But when the blade was sprung up, and brought forth fruit, then appeared the tares also. So the servants of the householder came and said unto him, Sir, didst not thou sow good seed in thy field? from whence then hath it tares? He said unto them, An enemy hath done this. The servants said unto him, Wilt thou then that we go and gather them up? But he said, Nay; lest while ye gather up the tares, ye root up also the wheat with them. Let both grow together until the harvest: and in the time of harvest I will say to the reapers, Gather ye together first the tares, and bind them in bundles to burn them: but gather the wheat into my barn.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 13:24–30] (KJV)

*The kingdom of heaven is like to a grain of mustard seed, which a man took, and sowed in his field: Which indeed is the least of all seeds: but when it is grown, it is the greatest among herbs, and becometh a tree, so that the birds of the air come and lodge in the branches thereof.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 13:31–32] (KJV)

*The kingdom of heaven is like unto leaven, which a woman took, and hid in three measures of meal, till the whole was leavened.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 13:33] (KJV)

* He that soweth the good seed is the Son of man; The field is the world; the good seed are the children of the kingdom; but the tares are the children of the wicked one; The enemy that sowed them is the devil; the harvest is the end of the world; and the reapers are the angels. As therefore the tares are gathered and burned in the fire; so shall it be in the end of this world. The Son of man shall send forth his angels, and they shall gather out of his kingdom all things that offend, and them which do iniquity; And shall cast them into a furnace of fire: there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth. Then shall the righteous shine forth as the sun in the kingdom of their Father. '''Who hath ears to hear, let him hear.''' Again, the kingdom of heaven is like unto treasure hid in a field; the which when a man hath found, he hideth, and for joy thereof goeth and selleth all that he hath, and buyeth that field. '''Again, the kingdom of heaven is like unto a merchant man, seeking goodly pearls: Who, when he had found one pearl of great price, went and sold all that he had, and bought it.''' Again, the kingdom of heaven is like unto a net, that was cast into the sea, and gathered of every kind: Which, when it was full, they drew to shore, and sat down, and gathered the good into vessels, but cast the bad away. So shall it be at the end of the world: the angels shall come forth, and sever the wicked from among the just, And shall cast them into the furnace of fire: there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 13:37–50] (KJV)

*Have ye understood all these things?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 13:51] (KJV)

*Therefore every scribe which is instructed unto the kingdom of heaven is like unto a man that is an householder, which bringeth forth out of his treasure things new and old.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 13:52] (KJV)

*'''A prophet is not without honour, save in his own country, and in his own house.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 13:57] (KJV)

*They need not depart; give ye them to eat.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 14:16] (KJV)

*Bring them hither to me.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 14:18] (KJV) Said about the '''loaves and fishes'''.

*Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 14:27] (KJV)

*Come.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 14:29] (KJV) Said to Peter.

*'''O thou of little faith''', wherefore didst thou doubt?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 14:31] (KJV) Said to Peter after Peter failed to '''walk on water.'''

*Why do ye also transgress the commandment of God by your tradition? For God commanded, saying, Honour thy father and mother: and, He that curseth father or mother, let him die the death. But ye say, Whosoever shall say to his father or his mother, It is a gift, by whatsoever thou mightest be profited by me; And honour not his father or his mother, he shall be free. Thus have ye made the commandment of God of none effect by your tradition. Ye hypocrites, well did Esaias prophesy of you, saying, This people draweth nigh unto me with their mouth, and honoureth me with their lips; but their heart is far from me. But in vain they do worship me, teaching for doctrines the commandments of men.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 15:3–9] (KJV)

*Hear, and understand: Not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a man; but that which cometh out of the mouth, this defileth a man.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 15:10–11] (KJV)

*Every plant, which my heavenly Father hath not planted, shall be rooted up. '''Let them alone: they be blind leaders of the blind. And if the blind lead the blind, both shall fall into the ditch'''.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 15:13–14] (KJV)

*Are ye also yet without understanding? Do not ye yet understand, that whatsoever entereth in at the mouth goeth into the belly, and is cast out into the draught? But those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart; and they defile the man. For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies: These are the things which defile a man: but to eat with unwashen hands defileth not a man.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 15:16–20] (KJV)

*I am not sent but unto the lost sheep of the house of Israel.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 15:24] (KJV)

*It is not meet to take the children's bread, and to cast it to dogs.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 15:26] (KJV)

*O woman, great is thy faith: be it unto thee even as thou wilt.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 15:28] (KJV)

*I have compassion on the multitude, because they continue with me now three days, and have nothing to eat: and I will not send them away fasting, lest they faint in the way.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 15:32] (KJV)

*How many loaves have ye?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 15:34] (KJV)

*When it is evening, ye say, It will be fair weather: for the sky is red. And in the morning, It will be foul weather to day: for the sky is red and lowring. '''O ye hypocrites, ye can discern the face of the sky; but can ye not discern the signs of the times? A wicked and adulterous generation seeketh after a sign; and there shall no sign be given unto it, but the sign of the prophet Jonas.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 16:2–4] (KJV)

*Take heed and beware of the leaven of the Pharisees and of the Sadducees.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 16:6] (KJV)

*'''O ye of little faith''', why reason ye among yourselves, because ye have brought no bread? Do ye not yet understand, neither remember the five loaves of the five thousand, and how many baskets ye took up? Neither the seven loaves of the four thousand, and how many baskets ye took up? How is it that ye do not understand that I spake it not to you concerning bread, that ye should beware of the leaven of the Pharisees and of the Sadducees?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 16:8–11] (KJV)

*''' Whom do men say that I the Son of man am?'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 16:13] (KJV)

*'''But whom say ye that I am?'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 16:15] (KJV)

*'''Blessed art thou, Simon Barjona: for flesh and blood hath not revealed it unto thee, but my Father which is in heaven. And I say also unto thee, That thou art Peter, and upon this rock I will build my church; and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it. And I will give unto thee the keys of the kingdom of heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 16:17–19] (KJV)

*'''Get thee behind me, Satan''': thou art an offence unto me: for thou savourest not the things that be of God, but those that be of men.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 16:23] (KJV)

*'''If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it. For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul?''' For the Son of man shall come in the glory of his Father with his angels; and then he shall reward every man according to his works. Verily I say unto you, There be some standing here, which shall not taste of death, till they see the Son of man coming in his kingdom.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 16:24–28] (KJV)

====Chapters 17-19====
*Arise, and be not afraid.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 17:7] (KJV)

*Tell the vision to no man, until the Son of man be risen again from the dead.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 17:9] (KJV)

*[[w:Elijah|Elias]] truly shall first come, and restore all things. But I say unto you, That Elias is come already, and they knew him not, but have done unto him whatsoever they listed. Likewise shall also the Son of man suffer of them.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 17:11–12] (KJV)

* O faithless and perverse generation, how long shall I be with you? how long shall I suffer you? bring him hither to me.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 17:17] (KJV)

*Because of your unbelief: for verily I say unto you, '''If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you.''' Howbeit this kind goeth not out but by prayer and fasting.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 17:20–21] (KJV)

*'''The Son of man shall be betrayed into the hands of men: And they shall kill him, and the third day he shall be raised again.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 17:22–23] (KJV)

*What thinkest thou, Simon? of whom do the kings of the earth take custom or tribute? of their own children, or of strangers?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 17:25] (KJV)

*Then are the children free. Notwithstanding, lest we should offend them, go thou to the sea, and cast an hook, and take up the fish that first cometh up; and when thou hast opened his mouth, thou shalt find a piece of money: that take, and give unto them for me and thee.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 17:26–27] (KJV)

[[File:StJohnsAshfield StainedGlass JesusAndChildren.jpg|thumb|''become as little children'' [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 18:3–20]&lt;br/&gt;''suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me'' [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 19:14] (KJV)]]
*Verily I say unto you, '''Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven. Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoso shall receive one such little child in my name receiveth me. But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.''' Woe unto the world because of offences! for it must needs be that offences come; but woe to that man by whom the offence cometh! '''Wherefore if thy hand or thy foot offend thee, cut them off, and cast them from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life halt or maimed, rather than having two hands or two feet to be cast into everlasting fire. And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life with one eye, rather than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire.''' Take heed that ye despise not one of these little ones; for I say unto you, That in heaven their angels do always behold the face of my Father which is in heaven. '''For the Son of man is come to save that which was lost.''' How think ye? if a man have an hundred sheep, and one of them be gone astray, doth he not leave the ninety and nine, and goeth into the mountains, and seeketh that which is gone astray? And if so be that he find it, verily I say unto you, he rejoiceth more of that sheep, than of the ninety and nine which went not astray. Even so it is not the will of your Father which is in heaven, that one of these little ones should perish. Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican. Verily I say unto you, Whatsoever ye shall bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever ye shall loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven. Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven. '''For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 18:3–20] (KJV)

*[T]he kingdom of heaven can be compared to a king who wanted to settle accounts with his slaves.
**[http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2018:23;&amp;version=77; 18:23]

*I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven. Therefore is the kingdom of heaven likened unto a certain king, which would take account of his servants. And when he had begun to reckon, one was brought unto him, which owed him ten thousand talents. But forasmuch as he had not to pay, his lord commanded him to be sold, and his wife, and children, and all that he had, and payment to be made. The servant therefore fell down, and worshipped him, saying, Lord, have patience with me, and I will pay thee all. Then the lord of that servant was moved with compassion, and loosed him, and forgave him the debt. But the same servant went out, and found one of his fellowservants, which owed him an hundred pence: and he laid hands on him, and took him by the throat, saying, Pay me that thou owest. And his fellowservant fell down at his feet, and besought him, saying, Have patience with me, and I will pay thee all. And he would not: but went and cast him into prison, till he should pay the debt. So when his fellowservants saw what was done, they were very sorry, and came and told unto their lord all that was done. Then his lord, after that he had called him, said unto him, O thou wicked servant, I forgave thee all that debt, because thou desiredst me: Shouldest not thou also have had compassion on thy fellowservant, even as I had pity on thee? And his lord was wroth, and delivered him to the tormentors, till he should pay all that was due unto him. So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 18:22–35] (KJV)

*[H]is master was angry, and delivered him to the torturers until he should pay all that was due to him. &quot;So My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother his trespasses.&quot;
**[http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2018:34-35;&amp;version=50; 18:34–35]

*Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. '''What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 19:4–6] (KJV)

*[[w:Moses|Moses]] because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so. And I say unto you, '''Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery'''.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 19:8–9] (KJV)

*All men cannot receive this saying, save they to whom it is given. For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother's womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 19:11–12] (KJV)

*'''Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 19:14] (KJV)

*Why callest thou me good? there is none good but one, that is, God: but if thou wilt enter into life, keep the commandments.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 19:17] (KJV)

*Thou shalt do no murder, Thou shalt not commit adultery, Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not bear false witness, Honour thy father and thy mother: and, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 19:18–19] (KJV)

*'''If thou wilt be perfect, go and sell that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come and follow me.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 19:21] (KJV)

*Verily I say unto you, '''That a rich man shall hardly enter into the kingdom of heaven.''' And again I say unto you, '''It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 19:23–24] (KJV)

*'''With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 19:26] (KJV)

*Verily I say unto you, That ye which have followed me, in the [[Regeneration (theology)|regeneration]] when the Son of man shall sit in the throne of his glory, ye also shall sit upon twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel. And every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name's sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life. '''But many that are first shall be last; and the last shall be first.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 19:28–30] (KJV)

*[E]veryone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life.
** [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2019:29;&amp;version=31; 19:29]

====Chapters 20–24====
*For the kingdom of heaven is like unto a man that is an householder, which went out early in the morning to hire labourers into his vineyard. And when he had agreed with the labourers for a penny a day, he sent them into his vineyard. And he went out about the third hour, and saw others standing idle in the marketplace, And said unto them; Go ye also into the vineyard, and whatsoever is right I will give you. And they went their way. Again he went out about the sixth and ninth hour, and did likewise. And about the eleventh hour he went out, and found others standing idle, and saith unto them, Why stand ye here all the day idle? They say unto him, Because no man hath hired us. He saith unto them, Go ye also into the vineyard; and whatsoever is right, that shall ye receive. So when even was come, the lord of the vineyard saith unto his steward, Call the labourers, and give them their hire, beginning from the last unto the first. And when they came that were hired about the eleventh hour, they received every man a penny. But when the first came, they supposed that they should have received more; and they likewise received every man a penny. And when they had received it, they murmured against the goodman of the house, Saying, These last have wrought but one hour, and thou hast made them equal unto us, which have borne the burden and heat of the day. But he answered one of them, and said, Friend, I do thee no wrong: didst not thou agree with me for a penny? Take that thine is, and go thy way: I will give unto this last, even as unto thee. Is it not lawful for me to do what I will with mine own? Is thine eye evil, because I am good? '''So the last shall be first, and the first last: for many be called, but few chosen.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 20:1–16] (KJV)

*'''Behold, we go up to Jerusalem; and the Son of man shall be betrayed unto the chief priests and unto the scribes, and they shall condemn him to death, And shall deliver him to the Gentiles to mock, and to scourge, and to crucify him: and the third day he shall rise again.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 20:18–19] (KJV)

*What wilt thou?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 20:21] (KJV) Asked of the mother of the sons of Zebedee, who answered that she wanted one son to sit on Jesus's left hand and one on his right.

*Ye know not what ye ask. Are ye able to drink of the cup that I shall drink of, and to be baptized with the baptism that I am baptized with?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 20:22] (KJV)

* Ye shall drink indeed of my cup, and be baptized with the baptism that I am baptized with: but to sit on my right hand, and on my left, is not mine to give, but it shall be given to them for whom it is prepared of my Father.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 20:23] (KJV)

*Ye know that the princes of the Gentiles exercise dominion over them, and they that are great exercise authority upon them. But it shall not be so among you: but '''whosoever will be great among you, let him be your minister; And whosoever will be chief among you, let him be your servant: Even as the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 20:25–28] (KJV)

*What will ye that I shall do unto you?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 20:32] (KJV) Asked of two blind men.

*Go into the village over against you, and straightway ye shall find an ass tied, and a colt with her: loose them, and bring them unto me. And if any man say ought unto you, ye shall say, The Lord hath need of them; and straightway he will send them. All this was done, that it might be fulfilled which was spoken by the prophet, saying, Tell ye the daughter of Sion, Behold, thy King cometh unto thee, meek, and sitting upon an ass, and a colt the foal of an ass.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 21:2–5] (KJV)

*'''It is written, My house shall be called the house of prayer; but ye have made it a den of thieves.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 21:13] (KJV)

*Yea; have ye never read, '''Out of the mouth of babes and sucklings thou hast perfected praise?'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 21:16] (KJV)

*Let no fruit grow on thee henceforward for ever.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 21:19] (KJV) Said to a fig tree.

*Verily I say unto you, '''If ye have faith, and doubt not, ye shall not only do this which is done to the fig tree, but also if ye shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; it shall be done.
[22] And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 21:21–22] (KJV)

*I also will ask you one thing, which if ye tell me, I in like wise will tell you by what authority I do these things. The baptism of John, whence was it? from heaven, or of men?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 21:24–25] (KJV)

* Neither tell I you by what authority I do these things. But what think ye? A certain man had two sons; and he came to the first, and said, Son, go work to day in my vineyard. He answered and said, I will not: but afterward he repented, and went. And he came to the second, and said likewise. And he answered and said, I go, sir: and went not. Whether of them twain did the will of his father? They say unto him, The first. Jesus saith unto them, Verily I say unto you, '''That the publicans and the harlots go into the kingdom of God before you.''' For John came unto you in the way of righteousness, and ye believed him not: but the publicans and the harlots believed him: and ye, when ye had seen it, repented not afterward, that ye might believe him. Hear another parable: There was a certain householder, which planted a vineyard, and hedged it round about, and digged a winepress in it, and built a tower, and let it out to husbandmen, and went into a far country: And when the time of the fruit drew near, he sent his servants to the husbandmen, that they might receive the fruits of it. And the husbandmen took his servants, and beat one, and killed another, and stoned another. Again, he sent other servants more than the first: and they did unto them likewise. But last of all he sent unto them his son, saying, They will reverence my son. But when the husbandmen saw the son, they said among themselves, This is the heir; come, let us kill him, and let us seize on his inheritance. And they caught him, and cast him out of the vineyard, and slew him. When the lord therefore of the vineyard cometh, what will he do unto those husbandmen?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 21:27–40] (KJV)

*Did ye never read in the scriptures, '''The stone which the builders rejected, the same is become the head of the corner: this is the Lord's doing, and it is marvellous in our eyes?''' Therefore say I unto you, '''The kingdom of God shall be taken from you, and given to a nation bringing forth the fruits thereof.''' And whosoever shall fall on this stone shall be broken: but on whomsoever it shall fall, it will grind him to powder.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 21:27–42 and 44] (KJV)

* The kingdom of heaven is like unto a certain king, which made a marriage for his son, And sent forth his servants to call them that were bidden to the wedding: and they would not come. Again, he sent forth other servants, saying, Tell them which are bidden, Behold, I have prepared my dinner: my oxen and my fatlings are killed, and all things are ready: come unto the marriage. But they made light of it, and went their ways, one to his farm, another to his merchandise: And the remnant took his servants, and entreated them spitefully, and slew them. But when the king heard thereof, he was wroth: and he sent forth his armies, and destroyed those murderers, and burned up their city. Then saith he to his servants, The wedding is ready, but they which were bidden were not worthy. Go ye therefore into the highways, and as many as ye shall find, bid to the marriage. So those servants went out into the highways, and gathered together all as many as they found, both bad and good: and the wedding was furnished with guests. And when the king came in to see the guests, he saw there a man which had not on a wedding garment: And he saith unto him, Friend, how camest thou in hither not having a wedding garment? And he was speechless. Then said the king to the servants, Bind him hand and foot, and take him away, and cast him into outer darkness; there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth. '''For many are called, but few are chosen'''.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 22:2–14] (KJV)

*Why tempt ye me, ye hypocrites? Shew me the tribute money.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 22:18–19] (KJV)

*Whose is this image and superscription?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 22:20] (KJV)

*'''Render therefore unto Caesar the things which are Caesar's; and unto God the things that are God's.'''

**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 22:21] (KJV)

*Ye do err, not knowing the scriptures, nor the power of God. For in the resurrection they neither marry, nor are given in marriage, but are as the angels of God in heaven. But as touching the resurrection of the dead, have ye not read that which was spoken unto you by God, saying, I am the God of Abraham, and the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob? God is not the God of the dead, but of the living.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 22:29–32] (KJV)

*'''Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 22:37–40] (KJV)

*What think ye of Christ? whose son is he?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 22:42] (KJV)

*How then doth David in spirit call him Lord, saying, The LORD said unto my Lord, Sit thou on my right hand, till I make thine enemies thy footstool? If David then call him Lord, how is he his son?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 22:43–45] (KJV)

*The scribes and the Pharisees sit in Moses' seat: All therefore whatsoever they bid you observe, that observe and do; but do not ye after their works: for they say, and do not. For they bind heavy burdens and grievous to be borne, and lay them on men's shoulders; but they themselves will not move them with one of their fingers. But all their works they do for to be seen of men: they make broad their phylacteries, and enlarge the borders of their garments, And love the uppermost rooms at feasts, and the chief seats in the synagogues, And greetings in the markets, and to be called of men, Rabbi, Rabbi. But be not ye called Rabbi: for one is your Master, even Christ; and all ye are brethren. And call no man your father upon the earth: for one is your Father, which is in heaven. Neither be ye called masters: for one is your Master, even Christ. '''But he that is greatest among you shall be your servant. And whosoever shall exalt himself shall be abased; and he that shall humble himself shall be exalted.''' But woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye shut up the kingdom of heaven against men: for ye neither go in yourselves, neither suffer ye them that are entering to go in. Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye devour widows' houses, and for a pretence make long prayer: therefore ye shall receive the greater damnation. Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye compass sea and land to make one proselyte, and when he is made, ye make him twofold more the child of hell than yourselves. Woe unto you, ye blind guides, which say, Whosoever shall swear by the temple, it is nothing; but whosoever shall swear by the gold of the temple, he is a debtor! Ye fools and blind: for whether is greater, the gold, or the temple that sanctifieth the gold? And, Whosoever shall swear by the altar, it is nothing; but whosoever sweareth by the gift that is upon it, he is guilty. Ye fools and blind: for whether is greater, the gift, or the altar that sanctifieth the gift? Whoso therefore shall swear by the altar, sweareth by it, and by all things thereon. And whoso shall swear by the temple, sweareth by it, and by him that dwelleth therein. And he that shall swear by heaven, sweareth by the throne of God, and by him that sitteth thereon. Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye pay tithe of mint and anise and cummin, and have omitted the weightier matters of the law, judgment, mercy, and faith: these ought ye to have done, and not to leave the other undone. Ye blind guides, which strain at a gnat, and swallow a camel. Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye make clean the outside of the cup and of the platter, but within they are full of extortion and excess. Thou blind Pharisee, cleanse first that which is within the cup and platter, that the outside of them may be clean also. Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye are like unto whited sepulchres, which indeed appear beautiful outward, but are within full of dead men's bones, and of all uncleanness. Even so ye also outwardly appear righteous unto men, but within ye are full of hypocrisy and iniquity. Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! because ye build the tombs of the prophets, and garnish the sepulchres of the righteous, And say, If we had been in the days of our fathers, we would not have been partakers with them in the blood of the prophets. Wherefore ye be witnesses unto yourselves, that ye are the children of them which killed the prophets. Fill ye up then the measure of your fathers. '''Ye serpents, ye generation of vipers, how can ye escape the damnation of hell?''' Wherefore, behold, I send unto you prophets, and wise men, and scribes: and some of them ye shall kill and crucify; and some of them shall ye scourge in your synagogues, and persecute them from city to city: That upon you may come all the righteous blood shed upon the earth, from the blood of righteous Abel unto the blood of Zacharias son of Barachias, whom ye slew between the temple and the altar. Verily I say unto you, All these things shall come upon this generation. O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, thou that killest the prophets, and stonest them which are sent unto thee, how often would I have gathered thy children together, even as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings, and ye would not! Behold, your house is left unto you desolate. For I say unto you, Ye shall not see me henceforth, till ye shall say, Blessed is he that cometh in the name of the Lord.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 23:2–39] (KJV)

* See ye not all these things? verily I say unto you, '''There shall not be left here one stone upon another, that shall not be thrown down.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 24:2] (KJV)

*'''Take heed that no man deceive you. For many shall come in my name, saying, I am Christ; and shall deceive many. And ye shall hear of wars and rumours of wars: see that ye be not troubled: for all these things must come to pass, but the end is not yet. For nation shall rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom: and there shall be famines, and pestilences, and earthquakes, in divers places. All these are the beginning of sorrows. Then shall they deliver you up to be afflicted, and shall kill you: and ye shall be hated of all nations for my name's sake. And then shall many be offended, and shall betray one another, and shall hate one another. And many false prophets shall rise, and shall deceive many. And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold. But he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved. And this gospel of the kingdom shall be preached in all the world for a witness unto all nations; and then shall the end come.''' When ye therefore shall see the abomination of desolation, spoken of by Daniel the prophet, stand in the holy place, (whoso readeth, let him understand:) Then let them which be in Judaea flee into the mountains: Let him which is on the housetop not come down to take any thing out of his house: Neither let him which is in the field return back to take his clothes. And woe unto them that are with child, and to them that give suck in those days! But pray ye that your flight be not in the winter, neither on the sabbath day: For then shall be great tribulation, such as was not since the beginning of the world to this time, no, nor ever shall be. And except those days should be shortened, there should no flesh be saved: but for the elect's sake those days shall be shortened. '''Then if any man shall say unto you, Lo, here is Christ, or there; believe it not. For there shall arise false Christs, and false prophets, and shall shew great signs and wonders; insomuch that, if it were possible, they shall deceive the very elect. Behold, I have told you before. Wherefore if they shall say unto you, Behold, he is in the desert; go not forth: behold, he is in the secret chambers; believe it not. For as the lightning cometh out of the east, and shineth even unto the west; so shall also the coming of the Son of man be.''' For wheresoever the carcase is, there will the eagles be gathered together. '''Immediately after the tribulation of those days shall the sun be darkened, and the moon shall not give her light, and the stars shall fall from heaven, and the powers of the heavens shall be shaken: And then shall appear the sign of the Son of man in heaven: and then shall all the tribes of the earth mourn, and they shall see the Son of man coming in the clouds of heaven with power and great glory.''' And he shall send his angels with a great sound of a trumpet, and they shall gather together his elect from the four winds, from one end of heaven to the other. Now learn a parable of the fig tree; When his branch is yet tender, and putteth forth leaves, ye know that summer is nigh: So likewise ye, when ye shall see all these things, know that it is near, even at the doors. Verily I say unto you, '''This generation shall not pass, till all these things be fulfilled. Heaven and earth shall pass away, but my words shall not pass away. But of that day and hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels of heaven, but my Father only.''' But as the days of Noe were, so shall also the coming of the Son of man be. For as in the days that were before the flood they were eating and drinking, marrying and giving in marriage, until the day that Noe entered into the ark, And knew not until the flood came, and took them all away; so shall also the coming of the Son of man be. Then shall two be in the field; the one shall be taken, and the other left. Two women shall be grinding at the mill; the one shall be taken, and the other left. '''Watch therefore: for ye know not what hour your Lord doth come.''' But know this, that if the goodman of the house had known in what watch the thief would come, he would have watched, and would not have suffered his house to be broken up. Therefore be ye also ready: for in such an hour as ye think not the Son of man cometh. Who then is a faithful and wise servant, whom his lord hath made ruler over his household, to give them meat in due season? Blessed is that servant, whom his lord when he cometh shall find so doing. Verily I say unto you, That he shall make him ruler over all his goods. But and if that evil servant shall say in his heart, My lord delayeth his coming; And shall begin to smite his fellowservants, and to eat and drink with the drunken; The lord of that servant shall come in a day when he looketh not for him, and in an hour that he is not aware of, And shall cut him asunder, and appoint him his portion with the hypocrites: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 24:5–51] (KJV)
** Variant translation:
* [T]he sun will be darkened, and the moon will not give its light; the stars will fall from the sky, and the heavenly bodies will be shaken. … They will see the Son of Man coming on the clouds of the sky, with power and great glory... ''I tell you the truth, this generation will certainly not pass away until all these things have happened.''
** [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2024:29-34;&amp;version=31; 24:29–34] (NIV)

[[File:StJohnsAshfield StainedGlass Gethsemane.jpg|thumb|Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane: ''Sit ye here, while I go and pray yonder.'' [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:36] (KJV)]]

====Chapters 25–26====
*Then shall the kingdom of heaven be likened unto ten virgins, which took their lamps, and went forth to meet the bridegroom. And five of them were wise, and five were foolish. They that were foolish took their lamps, and took no oil with them: But the wise took oil in their vessels with their lamps. While the bridegroom tarried, they all slumbered and slept. And at midnight there was a cry made, Behold, the bridegroom cometh; go ye out to meet him. Then all those virgins arose, and trimmed their lamps. And the foolish said unto the wise, Give us of your oil; for our lamps are gone out. But the wise answered, saying, Not so; lest there be not enough for us and you: but go ye rather to them that sell, and buy for yourselves. And while they went to buy, the bridegroom came; and they that were ready went in with him to the marriage: and the door was shut. Afterward came also the other virgins, saying, Lord, Lord, open to us. But he answered and said, Verily I say unto you, I know you not. Watch therefore, for ye know neither the day nor the hour wherein the Son of man cometh. For the kingdom of heaven is as a man travelling into a far country, who called his own servants, and delivered unto them his goods. '''And unto one he gave five talents, to another two, and to another one; to every man according to his several ability'''; and straightway took his journey. Then he that had received the five talents went and traded with the same, and made them other five talents. And likewise he that had received two, he also gained other two. But he that had received one went and digged in the earth, and hid his lord's money. After a long time the lord of those servants cometh, and reckoneth with them. And so he that had received five talents came and brought other five talents, saying, Lord, thou deliveredst unto me five talents: behold, I have gained beside them five talents more. His lord said unto him, Well done, thou good and faithful servant: thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord. He also that had received two talents came and said, Lord, thou deliveredst unto me two talents: behold, I have gained two other talents beside them. His lord said unto him, Well done, good and faithful servant; thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord. Then he which had received the one talent came and said, Lord, I knew thee that thou art an hard man, reaping where thou hast not sown, and gathering where thou hast not strawed: And I was afraid, and went and hid thy talent in the earth: lo, there thou hast that is thine. His lord answered and said unto him, Thou wicked and slothful servant, thou knewest that I reap where I sowed not, and gather where I have not strawed: Thou oughtest therefore to have put my money to the exchangers, and then at my coming I should have received mine own with usury. Take therefore the talent from him, and give it unto him which hath ten talents. For unto every one that hath shall be given, and he shall have abundance: but from him that hath not shall be taken away even that which he hath. And cast ye the unprofitable servant into outer darkness: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth. When the Son of man shall come in his glory, and all the holy angels with him, then shall he sit upon the throne of his glory: And before him shall be gathered all nations: and he shall separate them one from another, as a shepherd divideth his sheep from the goats: '''And he shall set the sheep on his right hand, but the goats on the left.''' Then shall the King say unto them on his right hand, Come, ye blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world: '''For I was an hungred, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in: Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me.''' Then shall the righteous answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, and fed thee? or thirsty, and gave thee drink? When saw we thee a stranger, and took thee in? or naked, and clothed thee? Or when saw we thee sick, or in prison, and came unto thee? And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, '''Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.''' Then shall he say also unto them on the left hand, Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels: For I was an hungred, and ye gave me no meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me no drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me not in: naked, and ye clothed me not: sick, and in prison, and ye visited me not. Then shall they also answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, or athirst, or a stranger, or naked, or sick, or in prison, and did not minister unto thee? Then shall he answer them, saying, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye did it not to one of the least of these, ye did it not to me. And these shall go away into everlasting punishment: but the righteous into life eternal.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 25:1–46] (KJV)

*'''Ye know that after two days is the feast of the passover, and the Son of man is betrayed to be crucified.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:2] (KJV)

*Why trouble ye the woman? for she hath wrought a good work upon me. '''For ye have the poor always with you; but me ye have not always.''' For in that she hath poured this ointment on my body, she did it for my burial. Verily I say unto you, Wheresoever this gospel shall be preached in the whole world, there shall also this, that this woman hath done, be told for a memorial of her.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:10–13] (KJV)

*Go into the city to such a man, and say unto him, The Master saith, My time is at hand; I will keep the passover at thy house with my disciples.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:18] (KJV)

*'''Verily I say unto you, that one of you shall betray me.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:21] (KJV)

*He that dippeth his hand with me in the dish, the same shall betray me. '''The Son of man goeth as it is written of him: but woe unto that man by whom the Son of man is betrayed! it had been good for that man if he had not been born.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:23–24] (KJV)

*Thou hast said.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:25] (KJV) Said to Judas.

*'''Take, eat; this is my body. And he took the cup, and gave thanks, and gave it to them, saying, Drink ye all of it; For this is my blood of the new testament, which is shed for many for the remission of sins. But I say unto you, I will not drink henceforth of this fruit of the vine, until that day when I drink it new with you in my Father's kingdom.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:26–29] (KJV)

*All ye shall be offended because of me this night: for it is written, I will smite the shepherd, and the sheep of the flock shall be scattered abroad. But after I am risen again, I will go before you into Galilee.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:31–32] (KJV)

*'''Verily I say unto thee, That this night, before the cock crow, thou shalt deny me thrice.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:34] (KJV) Said to Peter.

*Sit ye here, while I go and pray yonder.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:36] (KJV)

*My soul is exceeding sorrowful, even unto death: tarry ye here, and watch with me.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:38] (KJV)

*'''O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:39] (KJV)

*What, could ye not watch with me one hour? '''Watch and pray, that ye enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:40–41] (KJV)

*'''O my Father, if this cup may not pass away from me, except I drink it, thy will be done.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:42] (KJV)

*Sleep on now, and take your rest: behold, the hour is at hand, and the Son of man is betrayed into the hands of sinners. Rise, let us be going: behold, he is at hand that doth betray me.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:45–46] (KJV)

*Friend, wherefore art thou come?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:50] (KJV) Said to Judas.

*Put up again thy sword into his place: '''for all they that take the sword shall perish with the sword.''' Thinkest thou that I cannot now pray to my Father, and he shall presently give me more than twelve legions of angels? But how then shall the scriptures be fulfilled, that thus it must be?

[[File:El_Greco_(Domenikos_Theotokopoulos)_-_Christ_Blessing_('The_Saviour_of_the_World')_-_Google_Art_Project.jpg|thumb| And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age. ~[[Jesus]] in Matthew 28:20 ]] 

*Are ye come out as against a thief with swords and staves for to take me? I sat daily with you teaching in the temple, and ye laid no hold on me. But all this was done, that the scriptures of the prophets might be fulfilled.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:55–56] (KJV)

*Thou hast said: nevertheless I say unto you, '''Hereafter shall ye see the Son of man sitting on the right hand of power, and coming in the clouds of heaven.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:64] (KJV) Said to Caiaphas, the high priest.

====Chapter 28====

*And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.  
**[[Jesus]] in Matthew 28:20

=== [[Gospel of Mark]] ===
&lt;!-- include only statements ''by'' Jesus here that are not already included above, otherwise go to Gospel of [[Mark]] --&gt;
[[File:El Greco 041.jpg|thumb|Whosoever will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.]]

* The sabbath was made for man, and not man for the sabbath.
** [[w:Gospel of Mark|Mark]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark+2%3A27&amp;version=KJV; 2:27] (KJV)

* Verily I say unto you, All sins shall be forgiven unto the sons of men, and blasphemies wherewith soever they shall blaspheme: But he that shall blaspheme against the Holy Ghost hath never forgiveness, but is in danger of eternal damnation.
** [[w:Gospel of Mark|Mark]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark%203:29;&amp;version=9; 3:28-29] (KJV)

* They came to the other side of the sea, to the country of the Ger′asenes. And when he had come out of the boat, there met him out of the tombs a man with an unclean spirit, who lived among the tombs; and no one could bind him any more, even with a chain; for he had often been bound with fetters and chains, but the chains he wrenched apart, and the fetters he broke in pieces; and no one had the strength to subdue him. Night and day among the tombs and on the mountains he was always crying out, and bruising himself with stones. And when he saw Jesus from afar, he ran and worshiped him; and crying out with a loud voice, he said, “What have you to do with me, Jesus, Son of the Most High God? I adjure you by God, do not torment me.” For he had said to him, “Come out of the man, you unclean spirit!” And Jesus asked him, “What is your name?” He replied, “My name is Legion; for we are many.” And he begged him eagerly not to send them out of the country. Now a great herd of swine was feeding there on the hillside; and they begged him, “Send us to the swine, let us enter them.” So he gave them leave. And the unclean spirits came out, and entered the swine; and the herd, numbering about two thousand, rushed down the steep bank into the sea, and were drowned in the sea.
** Mark 5:1-20

* He also said to them, &quot;You completely invalidate God's command in order to maintain your tradition! For Moses said: &lt;blockquote&gt;Honor your father and your mother; and, &lt;br /&gt; Whoever speaks evil of father or mother &lt;br /&gt; must be put to death.&lt;/blockquote&gt;
** [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark%207:9–10;&amp;version=77; 7:9–10]

* '''Whosoever will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. For whosoever will save his life shall lose it; but whosoever shall lose his life for my sake and the gospel's, the same shall save it. For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?'''
** 8:34b–36 (KJV)

*...whoever is not against us is for us.
** [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark%209:40;&amp;version=31; 9:40]

* The next day as they were leaving Bethany, Jesus was hungry. Seeing in the distance a fig tree in leaf, he went to find out if it had any fruit. When he reached it, he found nothing but leaves, because it was not the season for figs. Then he said to the tree, “May no one ever eat fruit from you again.” And his disciples heard him say it.
** The next day when they came out from Bethany, He was hungry. After seeing in the distance a fig tree with leaves, He went to find out if there was anything on it. When He came to it, He found nothing but leaves, because it was not the season for figs. He said to it, &quot;May no one ever eat fruit from you again!&quot;
** Mark 11:12-14 [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark%2011:12–14;&amp;version=77; 11:12–14]

* One of the scribes came to Jesus and asked him, &quot;Which is the first of all commandments?&quot; Jesus replied,&quot;The first is this: Hear, O Israel! The Lord our God is Lord alone! You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength. The second is like: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. There is no other commandment greater than these.&quot;
** Mark 12:28-34

* In all the nations, the good news has to be preached first.
** [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/mark/13/ 13:10], [[NWT]]

* Heaven and earth shall pass away, but my words shall not pass away.
** Mark 13:31, KJV

* Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned. And these signs will accompany those who believe: In my name they will drive out demons; they will speak in new tongues; they will pick up snakes with their hands; and when they drink deadly poison, it will not hurt them at all; they will place their hands on sick people, and they will get well.
** [[w:Jesus|Jesus]], [[w:Gospel of Mark|Mark]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark%2016:17–18;&amp;version=31; 16:16–18]

==== On the Mount of Olives ====
:&lt;small&gt;Speech on the [[w:Mount of Olives|Mount of Olives]], on the night before his crucifixion.&lt;/small&gt;

* '''Take heed lest any man deceive you: For many shall come in my name, saying, I am Christ; and shall deceive many. And when ye shall hear of wars and rumours of wars, be ye not troubled: for such things must needs be; but the end shall not be yet.''' &lt;br /&gt; For nation shall rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom: and there shall be earthquakes in divers places, and there shall be famines and troubles: these are the beginnings of sorrows. &lt;br /&gt; But take heed to yourselves: for they shall deliver you up to councils; and in the synagogues ye shall be beaten: and ye shall be brought before rulers and kings for my sake, for a testimony against them. And the gospel must first be published among all nations. &lt;br /&gt; But when they shall lead you, and deliver you up, take no thought beforehand what ye shall speak, neither do ye premeditate: but whatsoever shall be given you in that hour, that speak ye: for it is not ye that speak, but the Holy Ghost.'''
** 13:5b–11 (KJV)

* '''Now the brother shall betray the brother to death, and the father the son; and children shall rise up against their parents, and shall cause them to be put to death.And ye shall be hated of all men for my name's sake: but he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved. &lt;br /&gt; But when ye shall see the abomination of desolation, spoken of by Daniel the prophet, standing where it ought not, (let him that readeth understand,) then let them that be in Judaea flee to the mountains: '''And let him that is on the housetop not go down into the house, neither enter therein, to take any thing out of his house: And let him that is in the field not turn back again for to take up his garment. &lt;br /&gt; But woe to them that are with child, and to them that give suck in those days! And pray ye that your flight be not in the winter. For in those days shall be affliction, such as was not from the beginning of the creation which God created unto this time, neither shall be. And except that the Lord had shortened those days, no flesh should be saved: but for the elect's sake, whom he hath chosen, he hath shortened the days.
** 13:12–20 (KJV)

* '''And then if any man shall say to you, Lo, here is Christ; or, lo, he is there; believe him not: For false Christs and false prophets shall rise, and shall shew signs and wonders, to seduce, if it were possible, even the elect. But take ye heed: behold, I have foretold you all things. &lt;br /&gt; But in those days, after that tribulation, the sun shall be darkened, and the moon shall not give her light, And the stars of heaven shall fall, and the powers that are in heaven shall be shaken. &lt;br /&gt; '''And then shall they see the Son of man coming in the clouds with great power and glory. And then shall he send his angels, and shall gather together his elect from the four winds, from the uttermost part of the earth to the uttermost part of heaven.'''
** 13:21–27 (KJV)

* Now learn a parable of the fig tree; When her branch is yet tender, and putteth forth leaves, ye know that summer is near: So ye in like manner, when ye shall see these things come to pass, know that it is nigh, even at the doors. &lt;br /&gt; '''Verily I say unto you, that this generation shall not pass, till all these things be done. Heaven and earth shall pass away: but my words shall not pass away.''' But of that day and that hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels which are in heaven, neither the Son, but the Father. &lt;br /&gt; Take ye heed, watch and pray: for ye know not when the time is. For the Son of Man is as a man taking a far journey, who left his house, and gave authority to his servants, and to every man his work, and commanded the porter to watch. Watch ye therefore: for ye know not when the master of the house cometh, at even, or at midnight, or at the cockcrowing, or in the morning: Lest coming suddenly he find you sleeping. '''And what I say unto you I say unto all, Watch.'''
** 13:28–37 (KJV)

=== [[Gospel of Luke]] ===
[[File:Hagiasophia-christ.jpg|thumb|Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven.]]
&lt;!-- include only statements ''by'' Jesus here that are not already included above, otherwise go to [[Gospel of Luke]] --&gt;
*&quot;And he said to them (Joseph and Mary), “Why were you looking for me? Did you not know that I must be in my Father's house?”
** Luke 2:49 (ESV)

* The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to set the oppressed free, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor.
** Luke 4:18-19 [[New International Version|NIV]]

* '''And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back.'''
** [[w:Jesus|Jesus]] on [[w:usury|usury]] from the [[w:Sermon on the Mount|Sermon on the Mount]], [[w:Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%206:35;&amp;version=31; 6:34–35]

* ''' Ye know not what manner of spirit ye are of. For the Son of man is not come to destroy men's lives, but to save them.''' (KJV)
** 9:55–56 Rebuking James and John for asking if he would command fire to come down from heaven, to consume a village of [[w:Samaritans|Samaritans]] for not receiving them, because they seemed to be headed for Jerusalem.

* In that very hour he became overjoyed in the holy spirit and said: “I publicly praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have carefully hidden these things from wise and intellectual ones and have revealed them to young children. Yes, O Father, because this is the way you approved.
** [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/luke/10/ Luke 10:21], [[New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures]]

* '''A certain man went down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and fell among thieves, which stripped him of his raiment, and wounded him, and departed, leaving him half dead.''' And by chance there came down a certain priest that way: and when he saw him, he passed by on the other side. And likewise a Levite, when he was at the place, came and looked on him, and passed by on the other side. &lt;br /&gt; '''But a certain Samaritan, as he journeyed, came where he was: and when he saw him, he had compassion on him, And went to him, and bound up his wounds, pouring in oil and wine, and set him on his own beast, and brought him to an inn, and took care of him.''' And on the morrow when he departed, he took out two pence, and gave them to the host, and said unto him, Take care of him; and whatsoever thou spendest more, when I come again, I will repay thee. &lt;br /&gt; Which now of these three, thinkest thou, was neighbour unto him that fell among the thieves? &lt;br /&gt; And he said, He that shewed mercy on him. Then said Jesus unto him, '''Go, and do thou likewise.'''
** 10:31–37 The famous parable of the [[w:Good Samaritan|Good Samaritan]].

* And Jesus answered and said unto her, Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things, but one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her.
** 10:41-42 (King James Version| KJV)


* He that is not with me is against me: and he that gathereth not with me scattereth.
** [[w:Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%2011:23;&amp;version=9; 11:23] (KJV)

* Ye fools, did not he that made that which is without make that which is within also?
** 11:40 (KJV)

* '''Woe unto you, lawyers! for ye have taken away the key of knowledge: ye entered not in yourselves, and them that were entering in ye hindered.''' And as he said these things unto them, the scribes and the Pharisees began to urge him vehemently, and to provoke him to speak of many things: Laying wait for him, and seeking to catch something out of his mouth, that they might accuse him.
** 11:52

* When there were gathered together an innumerable multitude of people, insomuch that they trode one upon another, he began to say unto his disciples first of all, '''Beware ye of the leaven of the Pharisees, which is hypocrisy. For there is nothing covered, that shall not be revealed; neither hid, that shall not be known.''' Therefore whatsoever ye have spoken in darkness shall be heard in the light; and that which ye have spoken in the ear in closets shall be proclaimed upon the housetops. And I say unto you my friends, Be not afraid of them that kill the body, and after that have no more that they can do. But I will forewarn you whom ye shall fear: Fear him, which after he hath killed hath power to cast into hell; yea, I say unto you, Fear him.
** 12:1–5

* Are not five sparrows sold for two farthings, and not one of them is forgotten before God? But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not therefore: ye are of more value than many sparrows.
** 12:6–7

* Then he said to them, &quot;Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; '''a man's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions'''.&quot; &lt;br /&gt; And he told them this parable: &quot;The ground of a certain rich man produced a good crop. He thought to himself, 'What shall I do? I have no place to store my crops.' &lt;br /&gt; &quot;Then he said, 'This is what I'll do. I will tear down my barns and build bigger ones, and there I will store all my grain and my goods. And I'll say to myself, &quot;You have plenty of good things laid up for many years. Take life easy; '''eat, drink and be merry'''.&quot; ' &lt;br /&gt; &quot;But God said to him, 'You fool! This very night your life will be demanded from you. Then who will get what you have prepared for yourself?' &lt;br /&gt; &quot;This is how it will be with anyone who stores up things for himself but is not rich toward God.&quot;
** 12:15–21 (NIV)

* Have no fear, little flock, for your Father has approved of giving you the Kingdom.
** [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/luke/12/ 12:32]

* Be ye therefore ready also: for the Son of man cometh at an hour when ye think not.
** 12:40

* The lord of that servant will come in a day when he looketh not for him, and at an hour when he is not aware, and will cut him in sunder, and will appoint him his portion with the unbelievers.
** [[w:Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%2012:46;&amp;version=9; 12:46] (KJV)

* And that servant, which knew his lord's will, and prepared not himself, neither did according to his will, shall be beaten with many stripes.
** [[w:Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%2012:47;&amp;version=9; 12:47] (KJV)

* '''Unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required: and to whom men have committed much, of him they will ask the more. '''
** 12:48

* I came to set fire to the earth, and I wish it were already on fire!
** 12:49 (CEV)

* '''Suppose ye that I am come to give peace on earth? I tell you, Nay; but rather division: For from henceforth there shall be five in one house divided, three against two, and two against three. The father shall be divided against the son, and the son against the father; the mother against the daughter, and the daughter against the mother; the mother in law against her daughter in law, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.''' &lt;br /&gt; And he said also to the people, When ye see a cloud rise out of the west, straightway ye say, There cometh a shower; and so it is. And when ye see the south wind blow, ye say, There will be heat; and it cometh to pass. Ye hypocrites, ye can discern the face of the sky and of the earth; but how is it that ye do not discern this time? '''Yea, and why even of yourselves judge ye not what is right?'''
** 12:51–57 (KJV) Variant translation of 12:57: '''Why do you not judge for yourselves what is right?'''

*If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and his own life also, he cannot be My disciple.
** [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%2014:26;&amp;version=50; 14:26]

* “What man among you with 100 sheep, on losing one of them, will not leave the 99 behind in the wilderness and go after the lost one until he finds it? And when he has found it, he puts it on his shoulders and rejoices. And when he gets home, he calls his friends and his neighbors together, saying to them, ‘Rejoice with me, for I have found my sheep that was lost.’ I tell you that in the same way, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over 99 righteous ones who have no need of repentance.
** [http://wol.jw.org/en/wol/bsync/r4/lp-s/nwt/E/2013/r1/lp-e/42/15#h=141:0-141:86&amp;selbvs=1 Luke 15: 4-7]

* What is exalted among men is an abomination in the sight of God.
** 16:15 [[English Standard Version|ESV]]

* Those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.
** 18:14 [[New International Version|NIV]]

* '''Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven. Verily I say unto you, Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child shall in no wise enter therein.'''
** [http://bible.cc/luke/18-16.htm 18:16–17] (KJV)
** Variant translation: '''Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.''' (NIV)

[[File:Monte Cassino interior 03.jpg|thumb|Yet lackest thou one thing: sell all that thou hast, and distribute unto the [[poor]], and thou shalt have treasure in [[heaven]]: and come, follow me.]]
* Yet lackest thou one thing: sell all that thou hast, and distribute unto the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come, follow me. 
** 18:22 (KJV)

* For it is easier for a camel to go through a needle's eye, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God. 
** 18:25 (KJV)

* Behold, there was a man named Zacchaeus, which was the chief among the publicans, and he was rich. And he sought to see Jesus who he was; and could not for the press, because he was little of stature. And he ran before, and climbed up into a sycomore tree to see him: for he was to pass that way. And when Jesus came to the place, he looked up, and saw him, and said unto him, Zacchaeus, make haste, and come down; for to day I must abide at thy house. And he made haste, and came down, and received him joyfully. And when they saw it, they all murmured, saying, That he was gone to be guest with a man that is a sinner. And Zacchaeus stood, and said unto the Lord: Behold, Lord, the half of my goods I give to the poor; and if I have taken any thing from any man by false accusation, I restore him fourfold. And Jesus said unto him, This day is salvation come to this house, forsomuch as he also is a son of Abraham. For the Son of man is come to seek and to save that which was lost.
** 19:2–10

* '''He added and spake a parable, because he was nigh to Jerusalem, and because they thought that the kingdom of God should immediately appear.''' He said therefore, A certain nobleman went into a far country to receive for himself a kingdom, and to return. And he called his ten servants, and delivered them ten pounds, and said unto them, Occupy till I come. But his citizens hated him, and sent a message after him, saying, We will not have this man to reign over us. And it came to pass, that when he was returned, having received the kingdom, then he commanded these servants to be called unto him, to whom he had given the money, that he might know how much every man had gained by trading. &lt;br /&gt; Then came the first, saying, Lord, thy pound hath gained ten pounds. And he said unto him, Well, thou good servant: because thou hast been faithful in a very little, have thou authority over ten cities. &lt;br /&gt; And the second came, saying, Lord, thy pound hath gained five pounds. And he said likewise to him, Be thou also over five cities. &lt;br /&gt; And another came, saying, Lord, behold, here is thy pound, which I have kept laid up in a napkin: For I feared thee, because thou art an austere man: thou takest up that thou layedst not down, and reapest that thou didst not sow. &lt;br /&gt; And he saith unto him, Out of thine own mouth will I judge thee, thou wicked servant. Thou knewest that I was an austere man, taking up that I laid not down, and reaping that I did not sow: Wherefore then gavest not thou my money into the bank, that at my coming I might have required mine own with usury? &lt;br /&gt; And he said unto them that stood by, Take from him the pound, and give it to him that hath ten pounds. (And they said unto him, Lord, he hath ten pounds.) For '''I say unto you, That unto every one which hath shall be given; and from him that hath not, even that he hath shall be taken away from him. But those mine enemies, which would not that I should reign over them, bring hither, and slay them before me.'''
** 19:11–27; The last line of this parable has been quoted as if it were a command of Jesus, when it is in fact a command given by the protaganist of his story. In later interpretations it was used to justify the collective condemnation and persecution of Jews for not accepting Jesus as the [[w:Messiah|Messiah]], as when [[John Chrysostom]], one of the [[w:Three Holy Hierarchs|Three Holy Hierarchs]], and a [[w:Doctor of the Church|Doctor of the Church]] uses this passage directly to condemn the Jews:
*** The Jewish people were driven by their drunkenness and plumpness to the ultimate evil; they kicked about, they failed to accept the yoke of Christ, nor did they pull the plow of his teaching. Another prophet hinted at this when he said: &quot;Israel is as obstinate as a stubborn heifer.&quot; … Although such beasts are unfit for work, they are fit for killing. And this is what happened to the Jews: while they were making themselves unfit for work, they grew fit for slaughter. This is why Christ said: &quot;But as for these my enemies, who did not want me to be king over them, bring them here and slay them.&quot; ([[w:Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [[s:Bible, King James, Luke#Chapter 19|19:27]])
**** [[John Chrysostom]] (349–ca. 407), ''[http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/source/chrysostom-jews6.html Eight Homilies Against the Jews],'' Homily 1

* At the mount called the mount of Olives, he sent two of his disciples, saying, Go ye into the village over against you; in the which at your entering ye shall find a colt tied, whereon yet never man sat: loose him, and bring him hither. And if any man ask you, Why do ye loose him? thus shall ye say unto him, Because the Lord hath need of him. &lt;br /&gt; And they that were sent went their way, and found even as he had said unto them. And as they were loosing the colt, the owners thereof said unto them, Why loose ye the colt? And they said, The Lord hath need of him.
** 19:29–35

* Then began he to speak to the people this parable; A certain man planted a vineyard, and let it forth to husbandmen, and went into a far country for a long time. And at the season he sent a servant to the husbandmen, that they should give him of the fruit of the vineyard: but the husbandmen beat him, and sent him away empty.And again he sent another servant: and they beat him also, and entreated him shamefully, and sent him away empty. And again he sent a third: and they wounded him also, and cast him out. &lt;br /&gt; Then said the lord of the vineyard, What shall I do? I will send my beloved son: it may be they will reverence him when they see him. &lt;br /&gt; But when the husbandmen saw him, they reasoned among themselves, saying, This is the heir: come, let us kill him, that the inheritance may be ours. &lt;br /&gt; So they cast him out of the vineyard, and killed him. What therefore shall the lord of the vineyard do unto them? &lt;br /&gt; He shall come and destroy these husbandmen, and shall give the vineyard to others. &lt;br /&gt; And when they heard it, they said, God forbid. And he beheld them, and said, '''What is this then that is written, The stone which the builders rejected, the same is become the head of the corner? &lt;br /&gt; Whosoever shall fall upon that stone shall be broken; but on whomsoever it shall fall, it will grind him to powder. &lt;br /&gt; And the chief priests and the scribes the same hour sought to lay hands on him; and they feared the people: for they perceived that he had spoken this parable against them.'''
** 20:9–19

* He is a God, not of the dead, but of the living, for they are all living to him.
** [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/luke/20/ Luke 20:38], [[New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures]]

* People will become faint out of fear and expectation of the things coming upon the inhabited [[earth]], for the powers of the heavens will be shaken. And then they will see the Son of man coming in a [[cloud]] with [[power]] and great [[glory]].
** [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/luke/21/ 21:26-27], [[NWT]]

* ...and he who has no sword, let him sell his garment and buy one.
** Luke 22:36 (NKJV)
* Verily I say unto thee, Today shalt thou be with me in paradise.
** [[w:Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=%20Luke%2023:43&amp;version=KJV 23:43] (KJV)

=== [[Gospel of John]] ===

[[File:Tiffany Jesus Window in Pullman Memorial Universalist Church.jpg|thumb|I am the [[door]]: by me if any man enter in, he shall be [[saved]], and shall go in and out, and find pasture. The [[thief]] cometh not, but for to [[steal]], and to [[kill]], and to [[destroy]]: I am come that they might have [[life]], and that they might have it more [[abundantly]].]]
[[File:Good shepherd 01.jpg|thumb|I am the [[good]] shepherd: the [[w:good shepherd|good shepherd]] giveth his life for the [[sheep]].]]
[[File:Vincent Willem van Gogh 083.jpg|thumb|A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.]]
{{main|Gospel of John}}

* You are Israel's teacher, and do you not understand these things?I tell you the truth, we speak of what we know, and we testify to what we have seen, but still you people do not accept our testimony. I have spoken to you of earthly things and you do not believe; how then will you believe if I speak of heavenly things? No one has ever gone into heaven except the one who came from heaven–the Son of Man. Just as Moses lifted up the snake in the desert, so the Son of Man must be lifted up, that everyone who believes in him may have eternal life. '''For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.''' Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not believed in the name of God's one and only Son. This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God.
**&lt;small&gt;John 3:10–21&lt;/small&gt;
** Variant translation: For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved. ~ 3:17

* If I [Jesus] testify about myself, my testimony is not valid.
** [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John%205:31;&amp;version=31; 5:31]

* ''' Verily, verily, I say unto you, Except ye eat the flesh of the Son of man, and drink his blood, ye have no life in you. Whoso eateth my flesh, and drinketh my blood, hath eternal life; and I will raise him up at the last day. For my flesh is meat indeed, and my blood is drink indeed. He that eateth my flesh, and drinketh my blood, dwelleth in me, and I in him.'''
** 6:53–56

* ''' You shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free.'''
** 8:32

* '''I am the [[door]]''': by me if any man enter in, he shall be saved, and shall go in and out, and find pasture. '''The [[thief]] cometh not, but for to [[steal]], and to [[kill]], and to [[destroy]]: I am come that they might have [[life]], and that they might have it more [[abundantly]]. I am the [[good]] shepherd: the [[w:good shepherd|good shepherd]] giveth his life for the [[sheep]].'''
** [https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John+10&amp;version=KJV;SBLGNT 10:9-11]

*'''Jesus answered them, “Is it not written in your law, ‘I said, “You are gods”''' ’? (34) If he called them gods, to whom the word of God came, and the scripture cannot be broken. (35) New King James Version
**[https://biblehub.com/john/10-34.htm John 10:34]

* I am the [[resurrection]] and the [[life]]. The one who exercises faith in me, even though he dies, will come to life; and everyone who is living and exercises faith in me will never die at all.
** [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/john/11/ 11:25-26], [[NWT]]

* If you know these things, happy you are if you do them.
** [http://wol.jw.org/en/wol/b/r1/lp-e/nwt/E/2013/43/13#h=93:564-93:624 13:17], [[New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures]]

* '''A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.'''
** 13:34–35 KJV

* '''I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.'''
** 14:6

* If ye shall ask any thing in my name, I will do it.
** [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John%2014:14;&amp;version=9; 14:14] (KJV)

* My Father is glorified in this, that you keep bearing much fruit and prove yourselves my disciples. Just as the Father has loved me, so I have loved you; remain in my love. If you observe my commandments, you will remain in my love, just as I have observed the commandments of the Father and remain in his [[love]]. “These things I have spoken to you, so that my joy may be in you and your joy may be made full. This is my commandment, that you love one another just as I have loved you. No one has love greater than this, that someone should surrender his life in behalf of his friends. You are my [[friends]] if you do what I am commanding you. I no longer call you slaves, because a slave does not know what his master does. But I have called you friends, because I have made known to you all the things I have heard from my Father.
** [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/john/15/ 15:8-15], [[New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures]]

* I have said these things to you so that by means of me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation, but take courage! I have conquered the world.
** [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/john/16/ 16:33], [[NWT]]

[[File:William Holman Hunt - Christ And The Two Marys.jpg|thumb|The glory which thou gavest me I have given them; that they may be one, even as we are one: I in them, and thou in me, that they may be made perfect in one; and that the world may know that thou hast sent me, and hast loved them, as thou hast loved me.]]
* '''Father, the hour is come; glorify thy Son, that thy Son also may glorify thee''': As thou hast given him power over all flesh, that he should give eternal life to as many as thou hast given him. '''And this is life eternal, that they might know thee the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom thou hast sent.''' &lt;br /&gt; '''I have glorified thee on the earth: I have finished the work which thou gavest me to do.''' And now, O Father, glorify thou me with thine own self with the glory which I had with thee before the world was. &lt;br /&gt; I have manifested thy name unto the men which thou gavest me out of the world: thine they were, and thou gavest them me; and they have kept thy word. Now they have known that all things whatsoever thou hast given me are of thee. For '''I have given unto them the words which thou gavest me; and they have received them, and have known surely that I came out from thee, and they have believed that thou didst send me.''' &lt;br /&gt; I pray for them: I pray not for the world, but for them which thou hast given me; for they are thine. And all mine are thine, and thine are mine; and I am glorified in them.And now I am no more in the world, but these are in the world, and I come to thee. Holy Father, keep through thine own name those whom thou hast given me, that they may be one, as we are. &lt;br /&gt; While I was with them in the world, I kept them in thy name: those that thou gavest me I have kept, and none of them is lost, but the son of perdition; that the scripture might be fulfilled. And now come I to thee; and these things I speak in the world, that they might have my joy fulfilled in themselves. &lt;br /&gt; I have given them thy word; and the world hath hated them, because they are not of the world, even as I am not of the world. I pray not that thou shouldest take them out of the world, but that thou shouldest keep them from the evil. '''They are not of the world, even as I am not of the world. Sanctify them through thy truth: thy word is truth.''' As thou hast sent me into the world, even so have I also sent them into the world. And for their sakes I sanctify myself, that they also might be sanctified through the truth. Neither pray I for these alone, but for them also which shall believe on me through their word; That they all may be one; as thou, Father, art in me, and I in thee, that they also may be one in us: that the world may believe that thou hast sent me. '''And the glory which thou gavest me I have given them; that they may be one, even as we are one: I in them, and thou in me, that they may be made perfect in one; and that the world may know that thou hast sent me, and hast loved them, as thou hast loved me.''' &lt;br /&gt; Father, I will that they also, whom thou hast given me, be with me where I am; that they may behold my glory, which thou hast given me: for thou lovedst me before the foundation of the world. &lt;br /&gt; '''O righteous Father, the world hath not known thee: but I have known thee, and these have known that thou hast sent me. And I have declared unto them thy name, and will declare it: that the love wherewith thou hast loved me may be in them, and I in them.'''
** 17: 1–26, ([[w:Authorized King James Version|KJV]])
** Variant translations:
** '''Father, the time has come. Glorify your Son, that your Son may glorify you. For you granted him authority over all people that he might give eternal life to all those you have given him.''' Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent. '''I have brought you glory on earth by completing the work you gave me to do. And now, Father, glorify me in your presence with the glory I had with you before the world began.''' &lt;br /&gt; I have revealed you to those whom you gave me out of the world. They were yours; you gave them to me and they have obeyed your word. Now they know that everything you have given me comes from you. For '''I gave them the words you gave me and they accepted them. They knew with certainty that I came from you, and they believed that you sent me.''' I pray for them. I am not praying for the world, but for those you have given me, for they are yours. '''All I have is yours, and all you have is mine. And glory has come to me through them.''' I will remain in the world no longer, but they are still in the world, and I am coming to you. Holy Father, protect them by the power of your name — the name you gave me — so that they may be one as we are one. '''While I was with them, I protected them and kept them safe by that name you gave me.''' None has been lost except the one doomed to destruction so that Scripture would be fulfilled. &lt;br /&gt; I am coming to you now, but I say these things while I am still in the world, so that they may have the full measure of my joy within them. I have given them your word and the world has hated them, for they are not of the world any more than I am of the world. My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one. '''They are not of the world, even as I am not of it. Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth.''' As you sent me into the world, I have sent them into the world. For them I sanctify myself, that they too may be truly sanctified. &lt;br /&gt; '''My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you.''' May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. '''I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one: I in them and you in me.''' May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. &lt;br /&gt; Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world. &lt;br /&gt; Righteous Father, though the world does not know you, I know you, and they know that you have sent me. I have made you known to them, and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them.
*** 17: 1–26, ([[w:New International Version|NIV]])

* My kingdom is not of this world: if my kingdom were of this world, then would my servants fight, that I should not be delivered to the Jews: but now is my kingdom not from hence.
** 18: 36, [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John+18%3A36%3B&amp;version=KJV] (KJV)

* Thou sayest that I am a king. To this end was I born, and for this cause came I into the world, that I should bear witness unto the truth. Every one that is of the truth heareth my voice.
** 18:37, [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John+18%3A37%3B&amp;version=KJV] (KJV)

* '''Touch me not; for I am not yet ascended to my Father: but go to my brethren, and say unto them, I ascend unto my Father, and your Father; and to my God, and your God.'''
** John [https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John+20&amp;version=KJV;SBLGNT 20:17] (KJV)

* '''Peace be unto you: as my Father hath sent me, even so send I you. … Receive ye the [[Holy Ghost]]: Whose soever sins ye remit, they are remitted unto them; and whose soever sins ye retain, they are retained.
** John 20:22-23 (KJV)

* Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and [[believe]]. Thomas answered him, &quot;My Lord and my God!&quot;
** John 20:27-28

* Λέγει αὐτῷ ὁ Ἰησοῦς Ὅτι ἑώρακάς με πεπίστευκας; μακάριοι οἱ μὴ ἰδόντες, καὶ πιστεύσαντες.&lt;BR&gt;“Have you believed because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”
** John 20:29

{{Misattributed begin}}
==== Misattributed ====
The following saying, one of the most famous attributed to Jesus, did not appear in the text until the 10th century AD:
* '''He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone''' at her.
** John 8:7 &lt;small&gt;(King James Version)&lt;/small&gt;
{{Misattributed end}}

=== [[Acts of the Apostles]]===
* And, being assembled together with them, commanded them that they should not depart from Jerusalem, but wait for the promise of the Father, which, saith he, ye have heard of me. For John truly baptized with water; but ye shall be baptized with the Holy Ghost not many days hence.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4870983 1:4–5] (KJV)

*It is not for you to know the times or the seasons, which the Father hath put in his own power. But ye shall receive power, after that the Holy Ghost is come upon you: and ye shall be witnesses unto me both in Jerusalem, and in all Judaea, and in Samaria, and unto the uttermost part of the earth.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4870983 1:7–8] (KJV)

* '''It is more blessed to give than to receive.'''
** Acts 20:35b

=== [[Book of Revelation|Revelation]] ===
:&lt;small&gt;Statements attributed to Jesus by [[w:John of Patmos|John of Patmos]] in his vision of [[w:Christ|Christ]] and the [[w:Apocalypse|Apocalypse]].&lt;/small&gt;

* I am [[w:Alpha and Omega (Christianity)|Alpha and Omega]], the first and the last: and, What thou seest, write in a book, and send it unto the seven churches which are in Asia; unto Ephesus, and unto Smyrna, and unto Pergamos, and unto Thyatira, and unto Sardis, and unto Philadelphia, and unto Laodicea.
** Revelation 1:11

* I am he that liveth, and was dead; and, behold, I am alive for evermore, Amen; and have the keys of hell and of death. Write the things which thou hast seen, and the things which are, and the things which shall be hereafter
** Revelation 1:18–19

Variant:

* Do not be afraid. I am the First and the Last, and the living one, and I became dead, but look! I am living forever and ever, and I have the [[key]]s of death and of the Grave.
** [[Revelation]] [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/revelation/1/ 1:17-18], [[NWT]]

* Notwithstanding I have a few things against thee, because thou sufferest that woman Jezebel, which calleth herself a prophetess, to teach and to seduce my servants to commit fornication, and to eat things sacrificed unto idols. And I gave her space to repent of her fornication; and she repented not. Behold, I will cast her into a bed, and them that commit adultery with her into great tribulation, except they repent of their deeds. And I will kill her children with death; and all the churches shall know that I am he which searcheth the reins and hearts: and I will give unto every one of you according to your works
** [[w:Book of Revelation|Revelation]] [https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Revelation+2%3A+20-23&amp;version=AKJV]

* The victor and the one who keeps My works to the end: I will give him authority over the nations— &lt;blockquote&gt;and He will shepherd them with an iron scepter; &lt;br /&gt; He will shatter them like pottery— &lt;br /&gt; just as I have received [this] from My Father.&lt;/blockquote&gt;
** [[w:Book of Revelation|Revelation]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Revelation%202:26-27;&amp;version=77; 2:26–27]

* I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, the first and the last.
** Revelation 22:13

* I Jesus have sent mine angel to testify unto you these things in the churches. I am the root and the offspring of [[David]], and the bright and morning star.
** Revelation 22:16

== Aramaic statements ==
&lt;!-- If someone could provide more of these in either an Aramaic or Hebrew transcription, it would be a very welcome addition --&gt;
:&lt;small&gt;Statements of Jesus preserved in the original [[w:Aramaic|Aramaic]], [[w:Transliteration|transliterated]] into [[w:Greek language|Greek]]. For more details on these statements see the Wikipedia articles on the [[w:Aramaic of Jesus|Aramaic of Jesus]] and [[w:Words of Jesus on the cross|Words of Jesus on the cross]].&lt;/small&gt;

[[File:StJohnsAshfield StainedGlass PeterDorcas.jpg|thumb|upright|left|''Talitha koum'']]
===&quot;Little girl, arise.&quot;===
* Aramaic: &quot;{{lang|arc|טלתא קומי|rtl}}&quot; (''{{lang|arc-Latn|Ţlîthâ qûm}}'')
** Greek transliteration: &quot;{{lang|arc-Grek|ταλιθα κουμ}}&quot; (''{{lang|arc-Latn|Talitha koum}}'')
** Words said when reviving the daughter of a Jewish leader after she had been declared dead. Jesus asked, &quot;Why make ye this ado, and weep? the damsel is not dead, but sleepeth.&quot; He then spoke this quote, one of his few statements which have been reliably preserved as a transliteration of the Hebrew/Aramaic which he spoke. (Mark 5:38–42)

[[File:Cristo_crucificado.jpg|thumb|''Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?'']]
===&quot;My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?&quot;===
* Aramaic: &quot;{{lang|arc|אלהי אלהי למא שבקתני|rtl}}&quot; (''{{lang|arc-Latn|Êlî êlî lâmâ `azabtânî}}'')
** Greek transliteration (Mark 15:34): &quot;{{lang|arc-Grek|ελωι ελωι λεμα σαβαχθανι;}}&quot; (''{{lang|arc-Latn|Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?}}'')
** Greek transliteration (Matthew 27:46): &quot;{{lang|arc-Grek|ηλι ηλι λεμα σαβαχθανι;}}&quot; (''{{lang|arc-Latn|Eli, Eli lama sabbachthani?}}'')
** Words spoken during his crucifixion. Jesus here seems to be quoting a [[w:Targum|targum]] of the first line of Psalm 22. This is a quote from King David: &quot;My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me? [Why art thou so] far from helping me, [and from] the words of my roaring?&quot; (Psalm 22:1). Quoting the first verse was a standard Jewish way of referring to a whole psalm. This psalm is regarded by many to be a prophecy of the Messiah's suffering. It ends with a declaration of victory, &quot;They shall come, and shall declare his righteousness unto a people that shall be born, that he hath done [this].&quot; (Psalm 22:31)

== Variants of major statements ==
:&lt;small&gt;''Variants of major statements from different sources compared ''&lt;/small&gt;
&lt;!-- This might eventually become the largest section, but it will likely be a gradual process.--&gt;
[[File:Rossakiewicz Prayer.jpg|thumb|Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name. &lt;br /&gt; Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.]]

* After this manner therefore pray ye: '''Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name. &lt;br /&gt; Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven. &lt;br /&gt; Give us this day our daily bread. &lt;br /&gt; And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. &lt;br /&gt; And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen.'''
** Matthew 6:9–13 (KJV) The version in Luke does not contain the last verse of this passage, and some translations have these two lines as &lt;br /&gt; forgive us our trespass &lt;br /&gt; as we forgive those who trespass against us
** In this manner, therefore, pray: &lt;br /&gt; Our Father in heaven, &lt;br /&gt; Hallowed be Your name. &lt;br /&gt; Your kingdom come. &lt;br /&gt; Your will be done &lt;br /&gt; On earth as it is in heaven. &lt;br /&gt; Give us this day our daily bread. &lt;br /&gt; And forgive us our debts, &lt;br /&gt; As we forgive our debtors. &lt;br /&gt; And do not lead us into temptation, &lt;br /&gt; But deliver us from the evil one. &lt;br /&gt; For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. &lt;br /&gt; Amen.
***Matthew 6:9–13 (NKJV)
** And he said unto them, When ye pray, say, Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name. &lt;br /&gt; Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done, as in heaven, so in earth. &lt;br /&gt; Give us day by day our daily bread. &lt;br /&gt; And forgive us our sins; for we also forgive every one that is indebted to us. &lt;br /&gt; And lead us not into temptation; but deliver us from evil.
*** Luke 11:2–4 (KJV)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

* '''Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.''' (Matthew 7:1–2) (KJV)

* '''Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven''': Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again. (Luke 6:37–38) (KJV)

* '''Do not judge according to appearance, but judge with righteous judgment.''' (John 7:24) (NASB)
** Variant translation: Stop judging by mere appearances, and make a right judgment. (NIV)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

* So watch yourselves. '''If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him.''' If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, 'I repent,' forgive him. (Luke 17:3–4) (NIV)

* If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. (Matthew 18:15) (NIV)
* (Some manuscripts read: &quot;If your brother sins, go and show him his fault...&quot;)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
[[File:Gian Lorenzo Bernini - Dove of the Holy Spirit.JPG|thumb|Whoever blasphemes against the Father will be forgiven, and whoever blasphemes against the Son will be forgiven, but whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven either on earth or in heaven.]]
* '''Whoever blasphemes against the Father will be forgiven, and whoever blasphemes against the Son will be forgiven, but whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven either on earth or in heaven'''. (''Gospel of Thomas'' Saying 44)
** The terms &quot;[[w:Holy Spirit|Holy Spirit]]&quot; or &quot;Holy Ghost&quot; are used as translations of the Greek word πνευμα (''[[w:Pneumatology|Pneuma]]'') meaning &quot;Spirit&quot; or &quot;Breath&quot;; in most of the traditional theologies that developed in the centuries after the crucifixion of Jesus these have been taken to mean the third person of the Christian [[w:Trinity|Trinity]]. Other interpretations not dependent upon trinitarian doctrines also exist.

* '''Wherefore I say unto you, All manner of sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven unto men: but the blasphemy against the Holy Ghost shall not be forgiven unto men. And whosoever speaketh a word against the Son of man, it shall be forgiven him: but whosoever speaketh against the Holy Ghost, it shall not be forgiven him, neither in this world, neither in the world to come.''' (Matthew 12:31–32) (KJV)

* '''Verily I say unto you, All sins shall be forgiven unto the sons of men, and blasphemies wherewith soever they shall blaspheme: But he that shall blaspheme against the Holy Ghost hath never forgiveness, but is in danger of eternal damnation.''' (Mark 3:28–29) (KJV)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

* Master, we saw one casting out devils in thy name, and he followeth not us: and we forbad him, because he followeth not us. But Jesus said, '''Forbid him not: for there is no man which shall do a miracle in my name, that can lightly speak evil of me. For he that is not against us is on our part.'''
** Mark 9:38–40 (KJV)

* '''He that is not with me is against me; and he that gathereth not with me scattereth abroad.'''
** Matthew 12:30 (KJV)

* Master, we saw one casting out devils in thy name; and we forbad him, because he followeth not with us. And Jesus said unto him, '''Forbid him not: for he that is not against us is for us.'''
** Luke 9:49–50 (KJV)

* '''He that is not with me is against me: and he that gathereth not with me scattereth.'''
** Luke 11:23 (KJV)

::The apparent contradiction of these four quotes is not so great a paradox as it might seem. Plainly some could interpret these assertions as being made with an absolutely universal context and application, and thus as absolutely contradictory, but other interpretations recognize that the context of the assertions differ, and thus their application. When someone is actively ''promoting'' things they consider wise, like compassion or liberty against human apathy or hostilities then those who are not &quot;for&quot; them are against them; but when they are simply ''doing'' good, or maintaining and exercising personal freedom and compassion, especially in hostile environments, then those who are not actively against them are for them.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

* All they that take the sword shall perish with the sword.
** Matthew 26:52 (KJV)
** This also is referenced by the author of ''Revelation'' 13:10: He that killeth with the sword must be killed with the sword. Here is the patience and the faith of the saints.
** Proverbial variants (unsourced translations): He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword. &lt;br /&gt; They who live by the sword shall die by the sword.

== [[w:Gnostic Gospels|Gnostic Gospels]] ==
:&lt;small&gt;The term gnostic gospels (pronunciation: naws-tik) refers to gnostic collections of writings or teachings of Jesus. These gospels did not become part of the standard Biblical canon, and are part of what is called New Testament apocrypha. &lt;/small&gt;

=== [[Gospel of Thomas]] (c. 2nd century AD manuscript)===
{{main|Gospel of Thomas}}
[[File:Grunewald - christ.jpg|thumb|The [[Kingdom of God|Kingdom]] is inside of you, and it is outside of you. When you come to [[know]] [[yourselves]], then you will become known, and you will [[realize]] that it is you who are the [[sons]] of the [[living]] Father. But if you will not know yourselves, you dwell in [[poverty]] and it is you who are that poverty.]]
:&lt;small&gt;''The Gospel of Thomas'' or ''Evangelion Thomas'' (Good Message of Thomas), unlike the four canonical gospels, contains very little narrative, and is mostly a list of statements that Yeshua is said to have made. It should be noted that this work was never accepted as [[w:Biblical canon|canonical]], and debate continues whether it was most likely written before or after the gospels that did become canonical. The number at the end of any quotation in this section refers to the generally accepted number of the saying. &lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Friedrich Kreuz im Wald.jpg |thumb|You [[read]] the [[face]] of the [[sky]] and of the [[earth]], but you have not [[recognized]] [[the one]] who is before you, and you do not know how to read this [[moment]].]]

* ''' Whoever shall find the interpretation of these words shall not taste of death.''' (1)
** I have not a devil; but I honour my Father, and ye do dishonour me. And I seek not mine own glory: there is one that seeketh and judgeth. Verily, verily, I say unto you, If a man keep my saying, he shall never see death. (''John'' 8:49–51)

* '''Let him who seeks continue seeking until he finds.''' When he finds, he will become troubled. When he becomes troubled, he will be astonished, and he will rule over [[the All]]. (2)

* If those who lead you say, 'See, the [[Kingdom of God|Kingdom]] is in the [[sky]],' then the [[birds]] of the sky will precede you. If they say to you, 'It is in the [[sea]],' then the [[fish]] will precede you. '''Rather, the Kingdom is inside of you, and it is outside of you. When you come to [[know]] [[yourselves]], then you will become known, and you will realize that it is you who are the sons of the living Father. But if you will not know yourselves, you dwell in [[poverty]] and it is you who are that poverty.''' (3)
** And when he was demanded of the Pharisees, when the kingdom of God should come, he answered them and said, '''The kingdom of God cometh not with observation: Neither shall they say, Lo here! or, lo there! for, behold, the kingdom of God is within you.''' (Luke 17:21)

* '''The man old in days will not hesitate to ask a small child seven days old about the place of [[life]], and he will live. For many who are first will become last, and they will become one and the same.''' (4)

* Recognize what is in your [[sight]], and that which is hidden from you will become plain to you. '''For there is [[nothing]] hidden which will not become manifest.''' (5)

* '''Do not tell [[lies]], and do not do what you [[hate]], for all things are plain in the sight of [[Heaven]]. For nothing hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain without being uncovered.''' (6)

* Blessed is the lion which becomes man when consumed by man; and cursed is the man whom the lion consumes, and the lion becomes man. (7)
** This saying has been interpreted by some as refering to such anger as consumes a man…(rather than is consumed by him, through his reason and love), 'til that man ''is'' the lion of Anger. Other more mystical interpretations might also be found or devised that have merit.

* The Kingdom is like a wise fisherman who cast his net into the sea and drew it up from the sea full of small fish. Among them the wise fisherman found a fine large fish. He threw all the small fish back into the sea and chose the large fish without difficulty. Whoever has ears to hear, let him hear. (8)

* Now the sower went out, took a handful (of seeds), and scattered them. Some fell on the road; the birds came and gathered them up. Others fell on the rock, did not take root in the soil, and did not produce ears. And others fell on thorns; they choked the seed and worms ate them. And others fell on the good soil and produced good fruit: it bore sixty per measure and a hundred and twenty per measure. (9)
** He spake many things unto them in parables, saying, Behold, a sower went forth to sow; And when he sowed, some seeds fell by the way side, and the fowls came and devoured them up: Some fell upon stony places, where they had not much earth: and forthwith they sprung up, because they had no deepness of earth: And when the sun was up, they were scorched; and because they had no root, they withered away. And some fell among thorns; and the thorns sprung up, and choked them: But other fell into good ground, and brought forth fruit, some an hundredfold, some sixtyfold, some thirtyfold. Who hath ears to hear, let him hear. (Matthew 13:3–9)
**see also: Mk4:3–8, Lk8:5–8

* '''I have cast fire upon the world, and see, I am guarding it until it blazes.''' (10)

* '''This heaven will pass away, and the one above it will pass away. The dead are not alive, and the living will not die.''' In the days when you consumed what is dead, you made it what is alive. When you come to dwell in the light, what will you do? On the day when you were one you became two. But when you become two, what will you do? (11)

* Jesus said to His disciples, &quot;Compare me to someone and tell Me whom I am like.&quot; Simon Peter said to Him, &quot;You are like a righteous angel.&quot; Matthew said to Him, &quot;You are like a wise philosopher.&quot; Thomas said to Him, &quot;'''Master, my mouth is wholly incapable of saying whom You are like.'''&quot; &lt;br /&gt; Jesus said, &quot;I am not your master. Because you have drunk, you have become intoxicated by the bubbling spring which I have measured out.&quot; And He took him and withdrew and told him three things. When Thomas returned to his companions, they asked him, &quot;What did Jesus say to you?&quot; Thomas said to them, &quot;If I tell you one of the things which he told me, you will pick up stones and throw them at me; a fire will come out of the stones and burn you up.&quot;(13)

* If you fast, you will give rise to sin for yourselves; and if you pray, you will be condemned; and if you give alms, you will do harm to your spirits. When you go into any land and walk about in the districts, if they receive you, eat what they will set before you, and heal the sick among them. For what goes into your mouth will not defile you, but that which issues from your mouth&amp;mdash;it is that which will defile you. (14)

* If the flesh came into being because of spirit, it is a wonder. But if spirit came into being because of the body, it is a wonder of wonders. Indeed, I am amazed at how this great wealth has made its home in this poverty. (29)

* '''Whoever blasphemes against the Father will be forgiven, and whoever blasphemes against the Son will be forgiven, but whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven either on earth or in heaven'''. (44)

*I disclose my mysteries to those who are worthy of my mysteries. (62)

*I will destroy this house, and no one will be able to build it....(71)

*Adam came from great power and great wealth, but he was not worthy of you. For had he been worthy, [he would] not [have tasted] death. (85)

*[Foxes have] their dens and birds have their nests, but human beings have no place to lay down and rest. (86)

* '''You read the [[face]] of the [[sky]] and of the [[earth]], but you have not recognized the one who is before you, and you do not know how to read this [[moment]].''' (91)

*One who seeks will find, and for [one who knocks] it will be opened (94)

*If you have money, don't lend it at interest. Rather, give [it] to someone from whom you won't get it back.&quot; (95)

*When you make the two into one, you will become children of Adam, and when you say, 'Mountain, move from here!' it will move (106)

*Whoever drinks from my mouth will become like me; I myself shall become that person, and the hidden things will be revealed to him. (108)

* His disciples said to Him, &quot;When will the Kingdom come?&quot; &lt;br /&gt; Jesus said, &quot;'''It will not come by waiting for it. It will not be a matter of saying 'Here it is' or 'There it is.' Rather, the Kingdom of the Father is spread out upon the earth, and men do not see it.'''&quot; (113)

* Simon Peter said to Him, &quot;Let Mary leave us, for women are not worthy of Life.&quot; Jesus said, &quot;I myself shall lead her in order to make her male, so that she too may become a living spirit resembling you males. For every woman who will make herself male will enter the Kingdom of Heaven.&quot; (114)

====Second Infancy Gospel of Jesus/[[w:Infancy Gospel of Thomas|The Infancy Gospel of Thomas]]====

* I, Thomas, an Israelite, judged it necessary to make known to our brethren among the Gentiles, the actions and miracles of Christ in his childhood, which our Lord and God Jesus Christ wrought after his birth in Bethlehem in our country, at which I myself was astonished; the beginning of which was as follows. When the child Jesus was five years of age and there had been a shower of rain that was now over, Jesus was playing with other Hebrew boys by a running stream, and the waters ran over the banks and stood in little lakes; But the water instantly became clear and useful again; they readily obeyed him after he touched them only by his word. Then he took from the bank of the stream some soft clay and formed out of it twelve sparrows; and there were other boys playing with him. But a certain Jew seeing the things which he was doing, namely, his forming clay into the figures of sparrows on the Sabbath day, went presently away and told his father Joseph, 6. Behold, your boy is playing by the river side, and has taken clay and formed it into twelve sparrows, and profanes the Sabbath. Then Joseph came to the place where he was, and when he saw him, called to him, and said, Why do you that which is not lawful to do on the Sabbath day? Then Jesus clapping together the palms of his hands, called to the sparrows, and said to them: Go, fly away; and while you live remember me. So the sparrows fled away, making a noise. The Jews seeing this, were astonished and went away and told their chief persons what a strange miracle they had seen wrought by Jesus.
** [http://ministries.tliquest.net/theology/apocryphas/nt/infancy2.htm &quot;Second Infancy Gospel of Jesus Christ&quot;], Chapter 1, 1-10, 140 CE.

=== [[w:Gospel of Judas|Gospel of Judas]] ===

* [Jesus laughs as he watches his disciples offering a prayer to God before Passover.]&lt;br/&gt; Disciples: Why are you laughing at us?&lt;br/&gt; Jesus says that he is laughing not at them but at their strange idea of pleasing their God.
** Jesus to his disciples from the [[w:Gospel_of_Judas|Judas]]. See &quot;[http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2006/04/17/060417crbo_books Jesus Laughed]&quot; and &quot;[http://www.slate.com/id/2139781/ Judas Saves: Why the lost gospel makes sense]&quot;.

* You will exceed all of them. For you will sacrifice the man that clothes me.
** Jesus to Judas, [[w:Gospel_of_Judas|Judas]]

* Judas: I know who you are and where you have come from. You are from the immortal realm of [[w:Barbelo|Barbelo]].&lt;br/&gt; Jesus: Step away from the others and I shall tell you the mysteries of the Kingdom.
** Exchange between Judas and Jesus from the [[w:Gospel_of_Judas|Judas]]. See &quot;[http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2006/04/17/060417crbo_books Jesus Laughed]&quot; and &quot;[http://www.slate.com/id/2139781/ Judas Saves: Why the lost gospel makes sense]&quot;.

* Only Judas has guessed the master aright—and has discerned that he comes from the heavenly realm of the god &quot;[[w:Barbelo|Barbelo]].&quot; In the realm of Barbelo, it seems, earthly pains are unknown and the fortunate inhabitants are free from the attentions of the God of the Old Testament. Jesus himself is descended in some fashion from Adam's third son, Seth. With Judas' help, he hopes to guide the seed of Seth back to the realm of Barbelo.
** A paraphrasing of Jesus' statements in the [[w:Gospel_of_Judas|Judas]] from &quot;[http://www.slate.com/id/2139781/ Judas Saves: Why the lost gospel makes sense]&quot;. See also &quot;[http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2006/04/17/060417crbo_books Jesus Laughed]&quot;.

* [O]ut beyond the stars, there exists a divine, blessed realm, free of the materiality of this earthly one. This is the realm of [[w:Barbelo|Barbelo]], a name that gnostics gave the celestial Mother, who lives there with, among others, her progeny, a good God awkwardly called the Self-Generated One. Jesus, it turns out, is not the son of the Old Testament God, whose retinue includes a rebellious creator known as [[w:Yaldabaoth|Yaldabaoth]], but an avatar of Adam’s third son, Seth. His mission is to show those lucky members of mankind who still have a “Sethian” spark the way back to the blessed realm. Jesus, we learn, was laughing at the disciples’ prayer because it was directed at their God, the Old Testament God, who is really no friend of mankind but, rather, the cause of its suffering.
** A paraphrasing of Jesus' statements in the [[w:Gospel_of_Judas|Judas]] from &quot;[http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2006/04/17/060417crbo_books Jesus Laughed]&quot;. See also &quot;[http://www.slate.com/id/2139781/ Judas Saves: Why the lost gospel makes sense]&quot;.

* Judas: I saw myself as the twelve disciples were [[stoning]] me.&lt;br/&gt; Jesus: You will be cursed by the other generations … you will come to rule over them.
** Exchange between Judas and Jesus from the [[w:Gospel_of_Judas|Judas]]. See &quot;[http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2006/04/17/060417crbo_books Jesus Laughed]&quot; and &quot;[http://www.slate.com/id/2139781/ Judas Saves: Why the lost gospel makes sense]&quot;.

* Lift up your eyes and look at the cloud and the light within it and the stars surrounding it. The star that leads the way is your star.
** Jesus to Judas, [[w:Gospel_of_Judas|Judas]]. See &quot;[http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2006/04/17/060417crbo_books Jesus Laughed]&quot; and &quot;[http://www.slate.com/id/2139781/ Judas Saves: Why the lost gospel makes sense]&quot;.

=== [[Berlin Codex]] ===
==== [[Gospel of Mary]] ====
:&lt;small&gt;[http://www.gnosis.org/library/marygosp.htm Text online]&lt;/small&gt;

* '''[[All]] [[natures]], all formed things, all [[creatures]] [[exist]] in and with one another and will again be resolved into their own roots, because the nature of matter is dissolved into the roots of its nature alone. He who has ears to hear, let him hear.'''

* There is no [[sin]], but it is you who make sin when you do the things that are like the nature of [[adultery]], which is called sin.&lt;br&gt;That is why the [[Good]] came into your midst, to the [[essence]] of every nature in order to restore it to its root.&lt;br&gt;Then He continued and said, That is why you become [[sick]] and [[die]], for you are deprived of [[the one]] who can [[heal]] you.
** Chapter 4, in response to a question by Peter: &quot;Since you have now explained all things to us, tell us this: what is the sin of the world?&quot;
** Adultery is also translated as &quot;fornication&quot;. [http://www.sacred-texts.com/chr/apo/marym.htm]

* Matter gave [[birth]] to a [[passion]] that has no equal, which proceeded from something contrary to nature. Then there arises a disturbance in its whole body.
** Chapter 4.

* Be of good courage, and if you are discouraged, still take courage over against the various forms of nature. He who has ears to hear, let him hear.
** Chapter 4.

* '''Peace be with you. Receive my peace unto yourselves. Beware that no one lead you astray saying Lo here or lo there! For the Son of Man is within you.''' Follow after Him! Those who seek Him will find Him. Go then and preach the gospel of the Kingdom. '''Do not lay down any rules beyond what I appointed you, and do not give a law like the lawgiver lest you be constrained by it.'''
**Chapter 4.
** Peace be with you. Receive my peace for yourselves. Take heed lest anyone lead you astray with the words, 'Lo, here!' or 'Lo, there!' for the Son of Man is within you. Follow him; those who seek him will find him. Go, therefore, and preach the Gospel of the Kingdom. I have left no commandment but what I have commanded you, and I have given you no law, as the lawgiver did, lest you be bound by it.
** Variant translation. [http://www.sacred-texts.com/chr/apo/marym.htm]

==[[w:New Testament apocrypha|Apocrypha]]==

=== First Infancy Gospel of Jesus Christ/[[w:Syriac Infancy Gospel|The Arabic Gospel of the Infancy of the Saviour]] ===
* And when the Lord Jesus was seven years of age, he was on a certain day with other boys his companions about the same age. Who at play made clay into several shapes, namely, asses, oxen, birds, and other figures. Each boasting of his work and endeavoring to exceed the rest. Then the Lord Jesus said to the boys, I will command these figures which I have made to walk. And immediately they moved, and when he commanded them to return, they returned. He had also made the figures of birds and sparrows, which, when he commanded to fly, did fly, and when he commanded to stand still, did stand still; and if he gave them meat and drink, they did eat and drink. When at length the boys went away and related these things to their parents, their fathers said to them, Take heed, children, for the future, of his company, for he is a sorcerer; shun and avoid him, and from now on never play with him.
** [http://ministries.tliquest.net/theology/apocryphas/nt/infancy1.htm &quot;The First Gospel of the Infancy of Jesus Christ&quot;], Chapter 15, 1-7, 400 CE.

=== [[w:Gospel of Pseudo-Matthew|Gospel of Pseudo-Matthew]] ===

* And it came to pass on the third day of their journey, while they were walking, that the blessed Mary was fatigued by the excessive heat of the sun in the desert; and seeing a palm tree, she said to Joseph: Let me rest a little under the shade of this tree. Joseph therefore made haste, and led her to the palm, and made her come down from her beast. And as the blessed Mary was sitting there, she looked up to the foliage of the palm, and saw it full of fruit, and said to Joseph: I wish it were possible to get some of the fruit of this palm. And Joseph said to her: I wonder that thou sayest this, when thou seest how high the palm tree is; and that thou thinkest of eating of its fruit. I am thinking more of the want of water, because the skins are now empty, and we have none wherewith to refresh ourselves and our cattle. Then the child Jesus, with a joyful countenance, reposing in the bosom of His mother, said to the palm: O tree, bend thy branches, and refresh my mother with thy fruit. And immediately at these words the palm bent its top down to the very feet of the blessed Mary; and they gathered from it fruit, with which they were all refreshed. And after they had gathered all its fruit, it remained bent down, waiting the order to rise from Him who had commanded it to stoop. Then Jesus said to it: Raise thyself, O palm tree, and be strong, and be the companion of my trees, which are in the paradise of my Father; and open from thy roots a vein of water which has been hid in the earth, and let the waters flow, so that we may be satisfied from thee. And it rose up immediately, and at its root there began to come forth a spring of water exceedingly clear and cool and sparkling. And when they saw the spring of water, they rejoiced with great joy, and were satisfied, themselves and all their cattle and their beasts. Wherefore they gave thanks to God.
** &quot;The Gospel of Pseudo-Matthew&quot; Chapter 20, (8th-9th century CE)

==[[w:Gospel of Barnabas|Gospel of Barnabas]] (c. 16th century AD manuscript) ==
[[File:Jesus ascends to heaven.jpg|thumb|Cursed be every one who shall insert into my sayings that I am the son of God. ~ Jesus in [[w:Gospel of Barnabas|Gospel of Barnabas]]]]

* All which a man loves, for which he leaves everything else but that, is his god, thus the glutton and drunkard has for his idol his own flesh, the fornicator has for his idol the harlot and the greedy has for his idol silver and gold, and so the same for every other sinner.
** Ch. 33

* And having said this, Jesus smote his face with both his hands, and then smote the ground with his head. And having raised his head, he said: &quot;'''Cursed be every one who shall insert into my sayings that I am the son of God.'''&quot; At these words the disciples fell down as dead, whereupon Jesus lifted them up, saying: 'Let us fear God now, if we would not be affrighted in that day.'
** Ch. 53

* Jesus answered: &quot;As God lives, in whose presence my soul stands, I am not the Messiah whom all the tribes of the earth expect, even as God promised to our father Abraham, saying: &quot;In your seed will I bless all the tribes of the earth.&quot; But '''when God shall take me away from the world, Satan will raise again this accursed sedition, by making the impious believe that I am God and son of God, whence my words and my doctrine shall be contaminated''', insomuch that scarcely shall there remain thirty faithful ones: whereupon God will have mercy upon the world&quot;
** Ch. 97

[[File:Bécs 010 (4282133536).jpg|thumb|All which a man loves, for which he leaves everything else but that, is his god. ]]
* Jesus answered: &quot;Believe me, Barnabas that I cannot weep as much as I ought. For if men had not called me God, I should have seen God here as he will be seen in paradise, and should have been safe not to fear the day of judgment. But God knows that I am innocent, because never have I harboured thought to be held more than a poor slave. No, '''I tell you that if I had not been called God I should have been carried into paradise when I shall depart from the world, whereas now I shall not go thither until the judgment.''' Now you see if I have cause to weep.&quot;
** Ch. 112

* And '''though I have been innocent in the world, since men have called me &quot;God,&quot; and &quot;Son of God,&quot; God, in order that I be not mocked of the demons on the day of judgment, has willed that I be mocked of men in this world by the death of Judas;, making all men to believe that I died upon the cross'''.
** Ch. 220

==The Book of Mormon and LDS Scripture==

===The Book of Mormon (1830)===
:&lt;small&gt;This section contains quotes by Jesus that occur in the ''[[w:Book of Mormon|Book of Mormon]]'' and ''[[w:LDS|Mormon]] Scriptures''&lt;/small&gt;

* Behold, I am Jesus Christ. I am the Father and the Son.
** ''[[s:Book of Mormon|The Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Ether|Ether]] [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Ether#Chapter_Three|3:14]]. Jesus is both the Father ''and'' the Son.

* Behold, that great city Zarahemla have I burned with fire, and the inhabitants thereof.&lt;br/&gt; And behold, that great city Moroni have I caused to be sunk in the depths of the sea, and the inhabitants thereof to be drowned.&lt;br/&gt; And behold, that great city Moronihah have I covered with earth, …&lt;br/&gt; And behold, the city of Gilgal have I caused to be sunk, and the inhabitants thereof to be buried up in the depths of the earth;&lt;br/&gt; Yea, and the city of Onihah and the inhabitants thereof, and the city of Mocum and the inhabitants thereof, and the city of Jerusalem and the inhabitants thereof; and waters have I caused to come up in the stead thereof, to hide their wickedness and abominations from before my face, …&lt;br/&gt; And behold, the city of Gadiandi, and the city of Gadiomnah, and the city of Jacob, and the city of Gimgimno, all these have I caused to be sunk, …&lt;br/&gt; that great city Jacobugath, which was inhabited by the people of king Jacob, have I caused to be burned with fire …&lt;br/&gt; the city of Laman, and the city of Josh, and the city of Gad, and the city of Kishkumen, have I caused to be burned with fire, and the inhabitants thereof, because of their wickedness in casting out the prophets, and stoning those whom I did send to declare unto them concerning their wickedness and their abominations.&lt;br/&gt; And because they did cast them all out, that there were none righteous among them, I did send down fire and destroy them, …&lt;br/&gt; And many great destructions have I caused to come upon this land, and upon this people, …&lt;br/&gt; Behold, I am Jesus Christ the Son of God.
** ''[[s:Book of Mormon|The Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book_of_Mormon/3_Nephi|3 Nephi]] [[s:Book_of_Mormon/3_Nephi#Chapter_Nine|9:3–15]]

* Behold I have given unto you my gospel, and this is the gospel which I have given unto you—that I came into the world to do the will of my Father, because my Father sent me. And my Father sent me that I might be lifted up upon the cross; and after that I had been lifted up upon the cross, that I might draw all men unto me, that as I have been lifted up by men even so should men be lifted up by the Father, to stand before me, to be judged of their works, whether they be good or whether they be evil— And for this cause have I been lifted up; therefore, according to the power of the Father I will draw all men unto me, that they may be judged according to their works. And it shall come to pass, that whoso repenteth and is baptized in my name shall be filled; and if he endureth to the end, behold, him will I hold guiltless before my Father at that day when I shall stand to judge the world. And he that endureth not unto the end, the same is he that is also hewn down and cast into the fire, from whence they can no more return, because of the justice of the Father. And this is the word which he hath given unto the children of men. And for this cause he fulfilleth the words which he hath given, and he lieth not, but fulfilleth all his words. And no unclean thing can enter into his kingdom; therefore nothing entereth into his rest save it be those who have washed their garments in my blood, because of their faith, and the repentance of all their sins, and their faithfulness unto the end.
** ''[[s:Book of Mormon|The Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book_of_Mormon/3_Nephi|3 Nephi]] [[s:Book_of_Mormon/3_Nephi#Chapter_Twenty-seven|27:13–19]]. In the Book of Mormon, Jesus Christ gave a specific definition of ''the gospel''.

===Doctrine and Covenants===
* I was in the beginning with the Father, and am the Firstborn[.]
** [[w:Jesus|Jesus]], ''[[w:Doctrine and Covenants|Doctrine and Covenants]]'', [[s:The_Doctrine_and_Covenants/Section_93|93:21]]

* Verily, thus saith the Lord unto you my servant [[w:Joseph Smith, Jr.|Joseph]], that inasmuch as you have inquired of my hand to know and understand wherein I, the Lord, justified my servants Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, as also Moses, David and Solomon, my servants, as touching '''the principle and doctrine of their having many wives and concubines—'''&lt;br/&gt; Behold, and lo, I am the Lord thy God, and will answer thee as touching this matter.&lt;br/&gt; Therefore, prepare thy heart to receive and obey the instructions which I am about to give unto you; for all those who have this law revealed unto them must obey the same.&lt;br/&gt; For behold, '''I reveal unto you a new and an everlasting covenant; and if ye abide not that covenant, then are ye damned; for no one can reject this covenant and be permitted to enter into my glory.''' …&lt;br/&gt; if a man marry a wife by my word, which is my law, and by the new and everlasting covenant, and it is sealed unto them by the Holy Spirit of promise, by him who is anointed, unto whom I have appointed this power and the keys of this priesthood …&lt;br/&gt; Then shall ''they be gods'', because they have no end …&lt;br/&gt; to know the only wise and true God, and '''[[w:Jesus Christ|Jesus Christ]], whom he hath sent. I am he. Receive ye, therefore, my law.''' …&lt;br/&gt; God commanded Abraham, and Sarah gave Hagar to Abraham to wife. And why did she do it? Because this was the law; and from Hagar sprang many people. This, therefore, was fulfilling, among other things, the promises. …&lt;br/&gt; Was Abraham, therefore, under condemnation? Verily I say unto you, Nay; for I, the Lord, commanded it. …&lt;br/&gt; Abraham received concubines, and they bore him children; and it was accounted unto him for righteousness, because they were given unto him, and he abode in my law; as Isaac also and Jacob did none other things than that which they were commanded; and because they did none other things than that which they were commanded, they have entered into their exaltation, according to the promises, and sit upon thrones, and are not angels but are gods.&lt;br/&gt; David also received ''many wives and concubines'', and also Solomon and Moses my servants, as also many others of my servants, from the beginning of creation until this time; and in nothing did they sin save in those things which they received not of me. …&lt;br/&gt; David's ''wives and concubines'' were given unto him of me …&lt;br/&gt; And let mine handmaid, [[w:Emma Smith|Emma Smith]], receive all those that have been given unto my servant [[w:Joseph Smith, Jr.|Joseph]] …&lt;br/&gt; Let no one, therefore, set on my servant [[w:Joseph Smith, Jr.|Joseph]]; for I will justify him …&lt;br/&gt; as pertaining to the law of the priesthood—'''if any man espouse a virgin, and desire to espouse another, and the first give her consent, and if he espouse the second, and they are virgins, and have vowed to no other man, then is he justified; he cannot commit adultery for they are given unto him; for he cannot commit adultery with that that belongeth unto him and to no one else.'''&lt;br/&gt; '''And if he have ten virgins given unto him by this law, he cannot commit adultery, for they belong to him, and they are given unto him; therefore is he justified.''' …&lt;br/&gt; [T]hen shall she believe and administer unto him, or she shall be destroyed, saith the Lord your God; for I will destroy her; … if she receive not this law … she then becomes the transgressor; and he is exempt[.]
** [[w:Jesus Christ|Jesus Christ]], speaking through [[w:Joseph Smith, Jr.|Joseph Smith]]'s 12 July [[w:1843 polygamy revelation|1843 polygamy revelation]] on [[w:plural marriage|plural marriage]] and His demand that [[w:Emma Smith|Emma Smith]], the first wife, accept all of [[w:Joseph Smith, Jr.|Joseph Smith]]'s plural wives; ''[[w:Doctrine and Covenants|Doctrine and Covenants]]'', [[s:The_Doctrine_and_Covenants/Section_132|132:1–4, 19, 20, 24, 34, 35, 38, 39, 52, 60–66]].

== Quotes about Jesus ==
[[File:Christianity-Jesus Christ Died for your Sin.jpg|thumb|If the church ... does not make God's liberation of the oppressed central in its mission and proclamation, how can it rest easy with a condemned criminal as the dominant symbol of its message? ~ [[James Cone]]]]
[[File:Mona Haydar and James Hal Cone.jpg|thumb|By becoming poor and entrusting divine revelation to a carpenter from Nazareth, God makes clear where one has to be in order to hear the divine word and experience divine presence. ~ [[James Cone]]]]
[[File:Empress_Zoe_mosaic_Hagia_Sophia.jpg|thumb|In Jesus, God wills to be true God not only in the height but also in the depth — in the depth of human creatureliness, sinfulness and mortality. ~ [[Karl Barth]] ]]
[[File:Rembrandt Jesus and his Disciples.jpg|thumb|As to Jesus of Nazareth, my Opinion of whom you particularly desire, I think the System of Morals and his Religion, as he left them to us, the best the world ever saw or is likely to see; but I apprehend it has received various corrupt changes... ~ [[Benjamin Franklin]] ]]
[[File:A place of worship (2444233066).jpg|thumb|The sublime title &quot;[[wikt:Χριστός|Christ]]&quot; is an adjective which only receives its specific value from the specificity of the noun, Jesus of Nazareth. If Jesus is forgotten, then it becomes possible to fill the adjective with whatever suits at the time, without checking whether Jesus was like that or not, or whether this means leaving the world sunk in its wretchedness or not; or worse still, without asking if this image legitimates the tragedy of the world or brings liberation from it. ~ [[Jon Sobrino]]]]
&lt;small&gt;''Sorted by historical period and date, with sections for quotes from major religious works.''&lt;/small&gt;

=== [[New Testament]] ===
* ὁ λέγων ἐν αὐτῷ μένειν ὀφείλει καθὼς ἐκεῖνος περιεπάτησεν καὶ αὐτὸς οὕτως περιπατεῖν.
** Whoever claims to live in him must live as Jesus did.
*** [[First Epistle of John|1 John]] 2:6 [[New International Version|NIV]]

* For, indeed, while we were still weak, Christ died for ungodly men at the appointed time. For hardly would anyone die for a righteous man; though perhaps for a good man someone may dare to die. But God recommends his own love to us in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.
** [[Paul of Tarsus]], [[Romans]], 5:6-8; New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures (2013 Revision)

====He rose again the third day, 1 Corinthians 15:4====
* After the Sabbath, at dawn on the first day of the week, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went to look at the tomb. There was a violent earthquake, for an angel of the Lord came down from heaven and, going to the tomb, rolled back the stone and sat on it.
* On the first day of the week came Mary Magdalene early, when it was yet dark, unto the sepulcher and saw the stone taken away from the sepulcher.
** ''[[w:The Bible|The Bible]]'' on the discovery of Jesus' absence from the tomb, [[w:Gospel of Matthew|Matthew]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2028:1-2;&amp;version=31; 28:1–2]'s account of the discovery of the tomb (two Mary's arrive at the tomb after sunrise, but before the stone had been removed) versus [[w:Gospel of John|John]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John%2020:1;&amp;version=48; 20:1]'s account (one Mary arrives at the tomb before sunrise, but after the stone had been removed).

* So the women hurried away from the tomb, afraid yet filled with joy, and ran to tell his disciples. Suddenly Jesus met them. &quot;Greetings,&quot; he said. They came to him, clasped his feet and worshiped him.
* Jesus said unto her, &quot;Touch Me not, for I am not yet ascended to My Father …&quot;
** ''[[w:The Bible|The Bible]]'' on the location and events of the resurrected Jesus' first appearance, [[w:Gospel of Matthew|Matthew]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2028:8-9;&amp;version=31; 28:8–9]'s account of the appearance of the resurrected Jesus (Jesus appears away from that tomb, and the Mary's touch his feet; see also [[w:Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%2024:13-15;&amp;version=31; 24:13–15] in which Jesus appears on the road to [[w:Emmaus|Emmaus]], seven miles from [[w:Jerusalem|Jerusalem]]) versus [[w:Gospel of John|John]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John%2020:11-17;&amp;version=48; 20:17]'s account (Jesus appears at the tomb and tells Mary not to touch him).

&lt;table border=&quot;1&quot;&gt;
&lt;tr&gt;
&lt;th colspan=&quot;4&quot;&gt;Holy Bible – the first Easter Sunday morning&lt;/th&gt;
&lt;/tr&gt;
&lt;tr&gt;&lt;td colspan=&quot;4&quot;&gt;&lt;ul&gt;
&lt;li&gt;Regarding The Evidence for the Resurrection, please see [[#AndersonJND1950|Anderson 1950, below]].&lt;/li&gt;
&lt;li&gt;For &quot;Easter Enigma – Are the Resurrection Accounts in Conflict?&quot;, please see [[#WenhamJW2005|Wenham 2005, below]].&lt;/li&gt;
&lt;li&gt;The table lists all the verses, according to the KJV, always in verse order.&lt;/li&gt;
&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/td&gt;&lt;/tr&gt;
&lt;tr&gt;
&lt;th&gt;Matthew&lt;/th&gt;
&lt;th&gt;Mark&lt;/th&gt;
&lt;th&gt;Luke&lt;/th&gt;
&lt;th&gt;John&lt;/th&gt;
&lt;/tr&gt;
&lt;tr&gt;&lt;td&gt;&lt;p&gt;Mt ch28&lt;/p&gt;
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:1&quot;&gt;1&lt;/span&gt; In the end of the sabbath, as it began to dawn toward the first day of the week, came [&quot;went&quot; (NIV)] Mary Magdalene and the other Mary to see the sepulchre.&lt;/p&gt;
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Mk ch16
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mk 16:1&quot;&gt;1&lt;/span&gt; And when the sabbath was past, Mary Magdalene, and Mary the mother of James, and Salome, had bought sweet spices, that they might come and anoint him.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mk 16:2&quot;&gt;2&lt;/span&gt; And very early in the morning the first day of the week, they came [&quot;were on their way&quot; (NIV)] unto the sepulchre at the rising of the sun.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mk 16:3&quot;&gt;3&lt;/span&gt; And they said among themselves, Who shall roll us away the stone from the door of the sepulchre?
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Lk ch24
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Lk 24:1&quot;&gt;1&lt;/span&gt; Now upon the first day of the week, very early in the morning, they came [&quot;went&quot; (NIV)] unto the sepulchre, bringing the spices which they had prepared, and certain others with them.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Jn ch20
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:1&quot;&gt;1&lt;/span&gt; The first day of the week cometh [&quot;went&quot; (NKJV, NIV, Wenham 2005 pp81f)] Mary Magdalene early, when it was yet dark, unto the sepulchre,
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;/tr&gt;

&lt;tr&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Mt ch28
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:2&quot;&gt;2&lt;/span&gt; And, behold, there was [&quot;had been&quot; (KJV margin, Wenham 2005 p78)] a great earthquake: for the angel of the Lord [&quot;had&quot; (Wenham 2005 p78)] descended from heaven, and came [&quot;had come&quot; (Wenham 2005 p78)] and rolled back the stone from the door, and sat upon it.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:3&quot;&gt;3&lt;/span&gt; His countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow:
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:4&quot;&gt;4&lt;/span&gt; And for fear of him the keepers did shake, and became [&quot;had trembled and become&quot; (Wenham 2005 p78)] as dead men.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;/tr&gt;

&lt;tr&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Mk ch16
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mk 16:4&quot;&gt;4&lt;/span&gt; And when they looked, they saw that the stone was rolled away: for it was very great.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Lk ch24
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Lk 24:2&quot;&gt;2&lt;/span&gt; And they found the stone rolled away from the sepulchre.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Jn ch20
&lt;p&gt;and seeth the stone taken away from the sepulchre.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:2&quot;&gt;2&lt;/span&gt; Then she runneth, and cometh to Simon Peter, and to the other disciple, whom Jesus loved, and saith unto them, They have taken away the Lord out of the sepulchre, and we know not where they have laid him.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;/tr&gt;

&lt;tr&gt;&lt;td colspan=&quot;4&quot;&gt;&lt;ul&gt;.


&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/td&gt;&lt;/tr&gt;

&lt;tr&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Mt ch28
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:5&quot;&gt;5&lt;/span&gt; And the angel answered and said unto the women, Fear not ye: for I know that ye seek Jesus, which was crucified.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:6&quot;&gt;6&lt;/span&gt; He is not here: for he is risen, as he said. Come, see the place where the Lord lay.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:7&quot;&gt;7&lt;/span&gt; And go quickly, and tell his disciples that he is risen from the dead; and, behold, he goeth before you into Galilee; there shall ye see him: lo, I have told you.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:8&quot;&gt;8&lt;/span&gt; And they departed quickly from the sepulchre with fear and great joy; and did run to bring his disciples word.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Mk ch16
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mk 16:5&quot;&gt;5&lt;/span&gt; And entering into the sepulchre, they saw a young man sitting on the right side, clothed in a long white garment; and they were affrighted.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mk 16:6&quot;&gt;6&lt;/span&gt; And he saith unto them, Be not affrighted: Ye seek Jesus of Nazareth, which was crucified: he is risen; he is not here: behold the place where they laid him.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mk 16:7&quot;&gt;7&lt;/span&gt; But go your way, tell his disciples and Peter that he goeth before you into Galilee: there shall ye see him, as he said unto you.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mk 16:8&quot;&gt;8&lt;/span&gt; And they went out quickly, and fled from the sepulchre; for they trembled and were amazed: neither said they any thing to any man; for they were afraid.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Lk ch24
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Lk 24:3&quot;&gt;3&lt;/span&gt; And they entered in, and found not the body of the Lord Jesus.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Lk 24:4&quot;&gt;4&lt;/span&gt; And it came to pass, as they were much perplexed thereabout, behold, two men [&quot;angels&quot; (Luke 24:23)] stood by [&quot;[or] appear[ed] to&quot; (Wenham 2005 p85)] them in shining garments:
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Lk 24:5&quot;&gt;5&lt;/span&gt; And as they were afraid, and bowed down their faces to the earth, they said unto them, Why seek ye the living among the dead?
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Lk 24:6&quot;&gt;6&lt;/span&gt; He is not here, but is risen: remember how he spake unto you when he was yet in Galilee,
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Lk 24:7&quot;&gt;7&lt;/span&gt; Saying, The Son of man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men, and be crucified, and the third day rise again.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Lk 24:8&quot;&gt;8&lt;/span&gt; And they remembered his words,
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;/tr&gt;

&lt;tr&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Jn ch20
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:3&quot;&gt;3&lt;/span&gt; Peter therefore went forth, and that other disciple, and came to the sepulchre.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:4&quot;&gt;4&lt;/span&gt; So they ran both together: and the other disciple did outrun Peter, and came first to the sepulchre.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:5&quot;&gt;5&lt;/span&gt; And he stooping down, and looking in, saw the linen clothes lying; yet went he not in.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:6&quot;&gt;6&lt;/span&gt; Then cometh Simon Peter following him, and went into the sepulchre, and seeth the linen clothes lie,
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:7&quot;&gt;7&lt;/span&gt; And the napkin, that was about his head, not lying with the linen clothes, but wrapped together in a place by itself.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:8&quot;&gt;8&lt;/span&gt; Then went in also that other disciple, which came first to the sepulchre, and he saw, and believed.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:9&quot;&gt;9&lt;/span&gt; For as yet they knew not the scripture, that he must rise again from the dead.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:10&quot;&gt;10&lt;/span&gt; Then the disciples went away again unto their own home.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;/tr&gt;

&lt;tr&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Mk ch16
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mk 16:9&quot;&gt;9&lt;/span&gt; Now when Jesus was risen early the first day of the week, he appeared first to Mary Magdalene, out of whom he had cast seven devils.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Jn ch20
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:11&quot;&gt;11&lt;/span&gt; But Mary stood without at the sepulchre weeping: and as she wept, she stooped down, and looked into the sepulchre,
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:12&quot;&gt;12&lt;/span&gt; And seeth two angels in white sitting, the one at the head, and the other at the feet, where the body of Jesus had lain.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:13&quot;&gt;13&lt;/span&gt; And they say unto her, Woman, why weepest thou? She saith unto them, Because they have taken away my Lord, and I know not where they have laid him.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:14&quot;&gt;14&lt;/span&gt; And when she had thus said, she turned herself back, and saw Jesus standing, and knew not that it was Jesus.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:15&quot;&gt;15&lt;/span&gt; Jesus saith unto her, Woman, why weepest thou? whom seekest thou? She, supposing him to be the gardener, saith unto him, Sir, if thou have borne him hence, tell me where thou hast laid him, and I will take him away.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:16&quot;&gt;16&lt;/span&gt; Jesus saith unto her, Mary. She turned herself, and saith unto him, Rabboni; which is to say, Master.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:17&quot;&gt;17&lt;/span&gt; Jesus saith unto her, Touch me not; for I am not yet ascended to my Father: but go to my brethren, and say unto them, I ascend unto my Father, and your Father; and to my God, and your God.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;/tr&gt;

&lt;tr&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Mt ch28
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:9&quot;&gt;9&lt;/span&gt; And as they went to tell his disciples, behold, Jesus met them, saying, All hail. And they came and held him by the feet, and worshipped him.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:10&quot;&gt;10&lt;/span&gt; Then said Jesus unto them, Be not afraid: go tell my brethren that they go into Galilee, and there shall they see me.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;/tr&gt;

&lt;tr&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Mk ch16
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mk 16:10&quot;&gt;10&lt;/span&gt; And she went and told them that had been with him, as they mourned and wept.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mk 16:11&quot;&gt;11&lt;/span&gt; And they, when they had heard that he was alive, and had been seen of her, believed not.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Lk ch24
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Lk 24:9&quot;&gt;9&lt;/span&gt; And returned from the sepulchre, and told all these things unto the eleven, and to all the rest.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Lk 24:10&quot;&gt;10&lt;/span&gt; It was Mary Magdalene and Joanna, and Mary the mother of James, and other women that were with them, which told these things unto the apostles.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Lk 24:11&quot;&gt;11&lt;/span&gt; And their words seemed to them as idle tales, and they believed them not.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Jn ch20
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:18&quot;&gt;18&lt;/span&gt; Mary Magdalene came and told the disciples that she had seen the Lord, and that he had spoken these things unto her.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;/tr&gt;

&lt;tr&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Mt ch28
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:11&quot;&gt;11&lt;/span&gt; Now when they were going, behold, some of the watch came into the city, and shewed unto the chief priests all the things that were done.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:12&quot;&gt;12&lt;/span&gt; And when they were assembled with the elders, and had taken counsel, they gave large money unto the soldiers,
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:13&quot;&gt;13&lt;/span&gt; Saying, Say ye, His disciples came by night, and stole him away while we slept.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:14&quot;&gt;14&lt;/span&gt; And if this come to the governor's ears, we will persuade him, and secure you.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:15&quot;&gt;15&lt;/span&gt; So they took the money, and did as they were taught: and this saying is commonly reported among the Jews until this day.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;/tr&gt;

&lt;tr&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Lk ch24
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Lk 24:12&quot;&gt;12&lt;/span&gt; Then arose Peter, and ran unto the sepulchre; and stooping down, he beheld the linen clothes laid by themselves, and departed, wondering in himself at that which was come to pass.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;/tr&gt;
&lt;/table&gt;

====Sources====
*I indeed baptize you with water unto repentance: but he that cometh after me is mightier than I, whose shoes I am not worthy to bear: he shall baptize you with the Holy Ghost, and with fire: Whose fan is in his hand, and he will throughly purge his floor, and gather his wheat into the garner; but he will burn up the chaff with unquenchable fire.
**[[w;John the Baptist|John the Baptist]] [[w:Gospel of Matthew|Gospel of Matthew]] [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 3:11-12] King James Version.

*In this was manifested the love of God toward us, because that God sent his only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through him. Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins.
**John, [[w:First Epistle of John|1 John]][http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=5357535 4:9–10] King James Version.

*Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that ye should follow his steps: Who did no sin, neither was guile found in his mouth: Who, when he was reviled, reviled not again; when he suffered, he threatened not; but committed himself to him that judgeth righteously: Who his own self bare our sins in his own body on the tree, that we, being dead to sins, should live unto righteousness: by whose stripes ye were healed.
**[[w:Saint Peter|Peter]], [[w:First Epistle of Peter|1 Peter]][http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=5332719 2:22–24] King James Version.

* If you are insulted because of the name of Christ, you are blessed, for the Spirit of glory and of God rests on you.
** [[w:Saint Peter|Peter]], [[w:First Epistle of Peter|1 Peter]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20Peter%204:14;&amp;version=31; 4:14]

* For he must rule as [[king]] until [[God]] has put all enemies under his feet. And the last enemy, [[death]], is to be brought to nothing.
** [[Paul of Tarsus]], 1 Corinthians [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/1-corinthians/15/ 15: 25-26], [[NWT]]

* Worship God! For the testimony of Jesus is the spirit of prophecy. &lt;br/&gt; Now I saw heaven opened, and behold, a white horse. And He who sat on him was called Faithful and True, and in righteousness He judges and makes war. &lt;br/&gt; His eyes were like a flame of fire, and on His head were many crowns. He had a name written that no one knew except Himself. &lt;br/&gt; He was clothed with a robe dipped in blood, and His name is called The Word of God. … &lt;br/&gt; Now out of His mouth goes a sharp sword, that with it He should strike the nations. And He Himself will rule them with a rod of iron. He Himself treads the winepress of the fierceness and wrath of Almighty God. &lt;br/&gt; And He has on His robe and on His thigh a name written: &lt;blockquote&gt;KING OF KINGS AND LORD OF LORDS.&lt;/blockquote&gt; Then I saw an angel standing in the sun; and he cried with a loud voice, saying to all the birds that fly in the midst of heaven, “Come and gather together for the supper of the great God, &lt;br/&gt; that you may eat the flesh of kings, the flesh of captains, the flesh of mighty men, the flesh of horses and of those who sit on them, and the flesh of all people, free and slave, both small and great.” &lt;br/&gt; And I saw the beast, the kings of the earth, and their armies, gathered together to make war against Him who sat on the horse and against His army. &lt;br/&gt; Then the beast was captured, and with him the false prophet who worked signs in his presence, by which he deceived those who received the mark of the beast and those who worshiped his image. These two were cast alive into the lake of fire burning with brimstone. &lt;br/&gt; And the rest were killed with the sword which proceeded from the mouth of Him who sat on the horse. And all the birds were filled with their flesh.
** ''[[w:The Bible|The Bible]]'', [[w:Book of Revelation|Revelation]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Revelation%2019:10-21;&amp;version=9; 19:10–21] (NKJV) This passage has been interpreted by some as referring to the [[w:Second Coming|Second Coming]] of [[w:Jesus|Jesus Christ]], and by others as not actually referring to Jesus, but some herald of the ultimate triumph of [[w:Christ|Christ]].

=== Josephus ===
* Now there was about this time Jesus, a wise man, if it be lawful to call him a man; for he was a doer of wonderful works, a teacher of such men as receive the truth with pleasure. He drew over to him both many of the Jews and many of the Gentiles. He was [the] Christ. And when Pilate, at the suggestion of the principal men amongst us, had condemned him to the cross, those that loved him at the first did not forsake him; for he appeared to them alive again the third day; as the divine prophets had foretold these and ten thousand other wonderful things concerning him. And the tribe of Christians, so named from him, are not extinct at this day.
** [[w:Josephus|Titus Flavius Josephus]], ''[[w:Antiquities of the Jews|Antiquities of the Jews]]'' (c. 93–94 AD), [http://en.wikisource.org/wiki/The_Antiquities_of_the_Jews/Book_XVIII#Chapter_3 Book 18, Chapter 3, 3]. See also [[w:Josephus on Jesus|Josephus on Jesus]] at Wikipedia.

=== The Apostles' Creed ===

{|
| I believe in God the Father Almighty, ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 Corinthians#8:6|1 Corinthians 8:6]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Revelation#1:8|Revelation 1:8]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Isaiah#44:6|Isaiah 44:6]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/2 Corinthians#6:18|2 Corinthians 6:18]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Ephesians#4:6|Ephesians 4:6]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Revelation#19:6|Revelation 19:6]];
|-
| Maker of heaven and earth: ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#1:1|John 1:1-3]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Genesis#1:1|Genesis 1:1-3]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#14:15|Acts 14:15]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#17:24|Acts 17:24-26]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Hebrews#11:3|Hebrews 11:3]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Nehemiah#9:6|Nehemiah 9:6]];
|-
| And in Jesus Christ his only Son our Lord, ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#20:28|John 20:28]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#3:16|John 3:16]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#1:18|John 1:18]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 John#4:9|1 John 4:9]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#10:30|John 10:30,36-38]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#4:10|Acts 4:10-12]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Colossians#1:15|Colossians 1:15-19]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Colossians#2:3|Colossians 2:3,9]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Proverbs#30:4|Proverbs 30:4]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Luke#2:11|Luke 2:11]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 Corinthians#8:6|1 Corinthians 8:6]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/2 Peter#1:16|2 Peter 1:16-18]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Romans#8:31|Romans 8:31-34]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Romans#9:5|Romans 9:5]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Matthew#28:18|Matthew 28:18-19]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 Timothy#3:16|1 Timothy 3:16]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Matthew#4:14|Matthew 4:14-16]];
|-
| Who was conceived by the Holy Ghost, ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Matthew#1:18|Matthew 1:18-20]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Luke#1:35|Luke 1:35]];
|-
| Born of the Virgin Mary, ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Luke#1:27|Luke 1:27,34]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Matthew#1:23|Matthew 1:23]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Matthew#2:4|Matthew 2:4-6]];
|-
| Suffered under Pontius Pilate, ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Luke#3:1|Luke 3:1,2]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Luke#23:13|Luke 23:13-25,32-34,44-46]];
|-
| Was crucified, dead, and buried: ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#4:10|Acts 4:10]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Isaiah#53:4|Isaiah 53:4-9]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#19:20|John 19:20]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Luke#23:52|Luke 23:52-53]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Revelation#5:12|Revelation 5:12,13]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Matthew#27:35|Matthew 27:35]];
|-
| He descended into hell; ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 Peter#3:18|1 Peter 3:18-19]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Revelation#1:18|Revelation 1:18]];
|-
| The third day he rose again from the dead; ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 Corinthians#15:1|1 Corinthians 15:1-8,12-14,19-20]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#2:21|Acts 2:21,22,27-32]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Matthew#28:1|Matthew 28:1-9]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Mark#16:4|Mark 16:4-6]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Luke#24:44|Luke 24:44-47]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#20:1|John 20:1,12-17]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Romans#1:2|Romans 1:2-4]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Matthew#11:4|Matthew 11:4-6]];
|-
| He ascended into heaven, ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#1:9|Acts 1:9-11]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Luke#24:49|Luke 24:49-51]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#20:17|John 20:17]];
|-
| And sitteth on the right hand of God the Father Almighty; ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Hebrews#12:2|Hebrews 12:2]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Hebrews#1:1|Hebrews 1:1-6]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Mark#16:19|Mark 16:19]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Hebrews#9:24|Hebrews 9:24]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Hebrews#10:12|Hebrews 10:12-13]];
|-
| From thence he shall come to judge the quick and the dead. ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#10:42|Acts 10:42]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/2 Timothy#4:1|2 Timothy 4:1]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 Thessalonians#4:15|1 Thessalonians 4:15-18]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/2 Peter#3:8|2 Peter 3:8-13]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Revelation#20:11|Revelation 20:11-14]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Matthew#24:27|Matthew 24:27,36]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Matthew#25:31|Matthew 25:31-34,41,46]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#5:22|John 5:22]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#14:1|John 14:1,3]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/2 Thessalonians#1:7|2 Thessalonians 1:7-10]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#17:30|Acts 17:30,31]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Hebrews#9:27|Hebrews 9:27]];
|-
| I believe in the Holy Ghost; ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Ephesians#4:30|Ephesians 4:30-32]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#15:26|John 15:26]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#16:7|John 16:7-15]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#1:8|Acts 1:8-9]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#13:2|Acts 13:2]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 Corinthians#6:19|1 Corinthians 6:19-20]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Galatians#5:22|Galatians 5:22-25]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#2:16|Acts 2:16-21]];
|-
| The holy Catholic Church; &lt;!--- 2019-01-07  I've removed the k from the archaic word Catholick because somebody else had removed the k here at this wikiquote webpage. ---&gt; ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Ephesians#2:18|Ephesians 2:18-22]];
|-
| The Communion of Saints; ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Galatians#6:2|Galatians 6:2,10]];
|-
| The Forgiveness of sins; ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#13:38|Acts 13:38]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 John#1:8|1 John 1:8 - 2:2]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 Timothy#1:15|1 Timothy 1:15]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Matthew#26:26|Matthew 26:26-28]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Luke#7:48|Luke 7:48]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#10:43|Acts 10:43]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Romans#3:23|Romans 3:23]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Romans#4:5|Romans 4:5]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Romans#5:6|Romans 5:6-10]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Romans#10:4|Romans 10:4-13]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 John#4:9|1 John 4:9-10]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Ephesians#1:7|Ephesians 1:7]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#1:29|John 1:29]];
|-
| The Resurrection of the body, ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 Corinthians#15:42|1 Corinthians 15:42-44,50-54]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Philippians#3:20|Philippians 3:20-21]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Job#19:25|Job 19:25-27]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 Thessalonians#4:16|1 Thessalonians 4:16-17]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#5:28|John 5:28-29]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#6:39|John 6:39-40,44]];
|-
| And the Life everlasting. ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#3:14|John 3:14-16]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#10:10|John 10:10]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#11:25|John 11:25]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#17:2|John 17:2-3]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 Peter#1:3|1 Peter 1:3-5]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 John#5:11|1 John 5:11-13]]
|}

Text of the Apostles' Creed from page 10 of the [https://archive.org/details/bookofcommonpray00lond Book of Common Prayer] from [http://www.archive.org www.archive.org]. Scripture references are KJV&amp;mdash;some from Bunyan's Pilgrim's Progress and [http://www.godonthe.net/evidence/apostle.htm www.godonthe.net/evidence/apostle.htm] and [http://www.baptistboard.com/archive/index.php/t-28938.html www.baptistboard.com/archive/index.php/t-28938.html] and [http://www.archive.org/details/shortexpositiono00luth Evangelical Lutheran synod of Missouri, Ohio and other states (1905), &quot;A Short Exposition of Dr Martin Luther's Small Catechism&quot;, Concordia] available from [http://www.archive.org www.archive.org].

=== [[Ignatius of Antioch]] ===
* ... our Lord Jesus Christ ... that He was ... the Son of God according to the will and power of God; that He was truly born of a virgin ... and was truly, under Pontius Pilate and Herod the tetrarch, nailed [to the cross] for us in His flesh.... [Chapter 3] And after his resurrection He did eat and drink with [those who were with Peter], as being possessed of flesh, although spiritually He was united to the Father.
** [[s:Author:Ignatius of Antioch|''Epistle of Ignatius to the Smyrnaeans,'' chapter 1, 3, shorter version (longer version is similar here). At page 86f of ANF1, that is, Roberts A, Donaldson J and Coxe AC (1885) ''Ante-Nicene Fathers, Vol 1''.]] [c 110 AD.]

=== Pliny the Younger, Governor of Bithynia ===
* Meanwhile, with those who have been brought before me as Christians I have pursued the following course. I have asked them if they were Christians, and if they have confessed, I have asked them a second and third time, threatening them with punishment; if they have persisted, I have commanded them to be led away to punishment.... Moreover, they affirmed that this was the sum of their guilt or error; that they had been accustomed to come together on a fixed day before daylight and to sing responsively a song unto Christ as God; and to bind themselves with an oath, not with a view to the commission of some crime, but, on the contrary, that they would not commit theft, nor robbery, nor adultery, that they would not break faith, nor refuse to restore a deposit when asked for it.... For the contagion of this superstition has permeated not only the cities, but also the villages and even the country districts. Yet it can apparently be arrested and corrected. At any rate, it is certainly a fact that the [pagan] temples, which were almost deserted, are now beginning to be frequented....
** [[w:Pliny the Younger on Christians|Pliny the Younger, Governor of Bithynia]], c112AD, (Pliny, Epp, X, 96)

=== [[Polycarp]] ===
* ... our Lord Jesus Christ, who for our sins suffered even unto death, [but] &quot;whom God raised from the dead, having loosed the bands of the grave&quot; [Acts 2:24]. &quot;In whom, though now ye see Him not, ye believe...&quot; [1 Pet 1:8].... He comes as the Judge of the living and the dead.
** [[s:Author:Polycarp|''Epistle of Polycarp to the Philippians,'' chapters 1 and 2. At page 33 of ANF1, that is, Roberts A, Donaldson J and Coxe AC (1885) ''Ante-Nicene Fathers, Vol 1''.]] [Perhaps about 150 AD.]

=== [[Justin Martyr]] ===
*But Sunday is the day on which we all hold our common assembly, because ... Jesus Christ our Saviour on the same day rose from the dead. For He was crucified on the day before that of Saturn (Saturday); and on the day after that of Saturn, which is the day of the Sun, having appeared to His apostles and disciples, He taught them these things, which we have submitted to you also for your consideration. 
** [[s:Ante-Nicene_Fathers/Volume_I/The_First_Apology|''The first apology of Justin,'' chapter LXVII. c156AD. In ANF1, that is, Roberts A, Donaldson J and Coxe AC (1885) ''Ante-Nicene Fathers, Vol 1''.]]

=== [[Irenaeus]] ===
* The Church, though dispersed throughout the whole world, even to the ends of the earth, has received from the apostles and their disciples this faith: [She believes] in ... God, the Father Almighty, ... and in ... Christ Jesus, our Lord, and God, and Saviour, and King, according to the will of the invisible Father ... and that He should execute just judgment towards all....
** [[s:Author:Irenaeus|''Irenaeus Against Heresies,'' book 1: chapter 10: paragraph 1 (1:10:1). At page 330 of ANF1, that is, Roberts A, Donaldson J and Coxe AC (1885) ''Ante-Nicene Fathers, Vol 1''.]] [c 185 AD.] [The Nicene Creed, effectively. Cf 3:4:2 p417. Cf 5:20:1 p548.]

=== The [[w:Gospel of Mary|Gospel of Mary]] ===

* He questioned them about the Saviour: Did He really speak privately with a woman and not openly to us? Are we to turn about and all listen to her? Did He prefer her to us? &lt;br /&gt; Then Mary wept and said to Peter, My brother Peter, what do you think? Do you think that I have thought this up myself in my heart, or that I am lying about the Saviour? &lt;br /&gt; Levi answered and said to Peter, Peter you have always been hot tempered. &lt;br /&gt; Now I see you contending against the woman like the adversaries. &lt;br /&gt; But if the Saviour made her worthy, who are you indeed to reject her? Surely the Saviour knows her very well. &lt;br /&gt; That is why He loved her more than us. Rather let us be ashamed and put on the perfect Man, and separate as He commanded us and preach the gospel, not laying down any other rule or other law beyond what the Saviour said. &lt;br /&gt; And when they heard this they began to go forth to proclaim and to preach.
** Mary 9:4–10

===Acts of Pilate, or The Gospel of Nicodemus===
* The elders of the Jews answered and said unto Jesus: What shall we see? Firstly, that thou wast born of fornication; secondly, that thy birth in Bethlehem was the cause of the slaying of children; thirdly, that thy father Joseph and thy mother Mary fled into Egypt because they had no confidence before the people.
** [[w:Acts of Pilate|Acts of Pilate]], or [http://www.earlychristianwritings.com/text/gospelnicodemus.html The Gospel of Nicodemus] (ca. 150–255)

===The Talmud===

====Babylonian Talmud====

* Yeshua's [Jesus's] mother was Miriam [Mary]... This is as they say about her in the [[w:Pumbedita|Pumbeditha]]: This one strayed from [was unfaithful to] her husband... He is guilty as a beguiler who says, &quot;I will worship (other gods),&quot;… In the case of any one who is liable to death penalties enjoined in the Law, it is not proper to lie in wait for him except he be a beguiler... [as] they did to Ben Stada [Jesus] whom they hanged on the eve of the Passover... The husband of his [Jesus'] mother was called Stada [Joseph ben Stada], and her seducer [[w:Pandera|Pandera]] [a Roman name].
** ''[[w:The Talmud|The Talmud]]'', [[w:Mishnah|Mishnah]] 27:15, &quot;Offenders Liable to Capital Punishment: The Beguiler to Idolatry&quot; (ca. 200). Peter Schäfer in ''Jesus in the Talmud'' (Princeton, 2007) explains: &quot;if the [Babylonian Talmud] takes it for granted that [Jesus's] mother was an adulteress, then the logical conclusion follows that we was a ''[[w:mamzer|mamzer]]'', a bastard or illegitimate child&quot;.

====Palestinian Talmud====

===Early Middle Ages===

* And the Son of God died; it is by all means to be believed, because it is absurd. And he was buried and rose again; the fact is certain because it is impossible.
** [[Tertullian]] (150–225), ''De Carne Christi''. (This is actually a famous paraphrased translation, based upon separate statements of Tertullian).

* … the Son of God died; it is by all means to be believed, because it is absurd.
** [http://www.tertullian.org/articles/evans_carn/evans_carn_03latin.htm Original Latin]: ''et mortuus est dei filius: prorsus credibile est, quia ineptum est.''
** [[w:Tertullian|Tertullian]], ''[[w:De Carne Christi|De Carne Christi]]'' (5), (ca. 155–230). See also [[w:Fideism|Fideism]] and ''[[w:Credo quia absurdum|Credo quia absurdum]].

* Josephus &amp;hellip; in seeking after the cause of the fall of Jerusalem and the destruction of the temple &amp;hellip; ought to have said that the conspiracy against Jesus was the cause of these calamities befalling the people, since they put to death Christ.
** [[w:Origen|Origen]] (''c.'' 185–''c.'' 254), ''Origin Against Celus'', Book I, Chapter XLVII

* This, I shall say, is He, ''the son of the carpenter or the whore'', the destroyer of the ''Sabbath'', the ''Samaritan'' and Who ''had a devil''. This is He, Whom ye bought of Judas: this is He, Who was smitten with a reed and with bufferings, dishonoured with spittings, drugged with gall and vinegar. This is He, Whom the disciples stole secretly away, that it might be said that He had risen again[.]
** [[w:Tertullian|Tertullian]], ''[[w:De spectaculis|De spectaculis]]'' (ca. 197–202)

* Jesus reveals the law to us when he reveals to us the secrets of the law. For we who are of the catholic Church, we do not spurn the law of Moses but accept it, so long as it is Jesus who reads it to us. Indeed, we can only possess a correct understanding of the Law when he reads it to us, and we are able to receive his sense and understanding.
** [[w:Origen|Origen]] (''c.'' 185–''c.'' 254), in R. B. Tollington, trans., ''Selections from the Commentaries and Homilies of Origen, London, 1929, p. 54

* ‘If,’ said he, ‘the Father begat the Son, he that was begotten had a beginning of existence: and from this it is evident, that there was a time when the Son was not. It therefore necessarily follows, that he had his substance from nothing.’
** [[w:Arius|Arius of Alexandria]], (ca250/256–336) on the [[w:Arianism|Arian heresy]] [http://www.sacred-texts.com/chr/ecf/202/2020014.htm]

* How can we admit that the divine became an embryo, and that after its birth, it was wrapped in swaddling clothes, covered with blood, bile, and even worse things?
** [[w:Porphyry (philosopher)|Porphyry of Tyre]] (''c.'' 233–''c.'' 309 CE), ''Porphyry Against the Christians: The Literary Remains'' (Guildford 1994), expressing the [[w:Neoplatonic|Neoplatonist]]'s skepticism about Jesus' divinity

* Every prophet, every ancient writer, every revolution of the state, every law, every ceremony of the old covenant points only to Christ, announces only him, represents only him.
** [[w:Eusebius of Caesarea|Eusebius of Caesarea]] (''c.'' 263–339?), ''Demonstratio'' Evangelium, 4: 15 in J. P. Migne, ed., ''Patrologia Graeca'', Paris, 1857–66, vol. 22, p. 296

* [T]he Jewish people were driven by their drunkenness and plumpness to the ultimate evil; they kicked about, they failed to accept the yoke of Christ, nor did they pull the plow of his teaching. Another prophet hinted at this when he said: &quot;Israel is as obstinate as a stubborn heifer.&quot; … Although such beasts are unfit for work, they are fit for killing. And this is what happened to the Jews: while they were making themselves unfit for work, they grew fit for slaughter. This is why Christ said: &quot;But as for these my enemies, who did not want me to be king over them, bring them here and slay them.&quot; ([[w:Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [[s:Bible, King James, Luke#Chapter 19|19:27]])
** [[w:Saint John Chrysostom|Saint John Chrysostom]] (349–ca. 407) in Κατά Ιουδαίων [''Adversus Judaeos'' or ''Against the Jews'' or ''Against Judaizing Christians''] as translated in [http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/source/chrysostom-jews6.html ''Eight Homilies Against the Jews''], Homily 1. Many Christians have since condemned Chrysostom's [[w:Rhetoric|rhetoric]] against Jewish traditions, and its later use for antisemitic campaigns, specifically those of Nazi Germany; Rev. [[w:Richard John Neuhaus|Richard John Neuhaus]] explains that &quot;John Chrysostom in fourth-century Constantinople should not be held responsible for the misrepresentation of his writings by Nazis in twentieth-century Germany&quot; (''First Things'', [http://www.firstthings.com/article.php3?id_article=3939 November 1996]).

* The heathen ... begins to praise Christ, not in order to do him honor, but to make you despair. It is the deadly cunning of the serpent, to turn you away from Christ by praising Christ, to extol deceitfully the one he doesn’t dare to disparage. He exaggerates the sovereign majesty of Christ in order to make him out quite unique, to stop you hoping for anything like what was demonstrated in his rising.
** [[Augustine of Hippo]], “How to answer their exaggerated praise of Christ and their disparaging of Christians,” Sermon 361:15

===The [[Qur'an]] and the [[Hadith]]===
[[File:Harhab mini.JPG|thumb|[[w:The Dome of the Rock|The Dome of the Rock]] ({{lang|ar|مسجد قبة الصخرة|rtl}}) in Jerusalem (built 692 CE) which contains inscriptions that proclaim God's uniqueness and deny that He has any son or requires any assistance.]]
:&lt;small&gt;This section contains quotes about Isa (Jesus) that occur in the [[w:Qur'an|Qur'an]] and the [[w:Hadith|Hadith]].&lt;/small&gt;

====The Qur'an====
:&lt;small&gt;[[Wikisource:Qur'an|Qur'an]] in Wikisouce&lt;/small&gt;


[[File:Quran.jpg|thumb|In blasphemy indeed are those that say that God is Christ the son of Mary. Say: Who then hath the least power against God, if He wished to destroy Christ the son of Mary, his mother, and all those on the earth? ~ [[Qur'an]]]]

* Surah ii. 81: &quot;Moreover, to Moses gave we 'the Book,' and we raised up apostles after him; and to Jesus, son of Mary, gave we clear proofs of his mission and strengthened him by the Holy Spirit. So oft then as an apostle cometh to you with that which your souls desire not, swell ye with pride, and treat some as imposters, and slay others?&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Surah ii. 254: &quot;Some of the apostles we have endowed more highly than others: Those to whom God hath spoken. He hath raised to the loftiest grade, and to Jesus, son of Mary we gave manifest signs, and we strengthened him with the Holy Spirit. And if God had pleased, they who came after them would not have wrangled, after the clear signs had reached them. But into disputes they fell; some of them believed, and some were infidels; yet if God had pleased, they would not have thus wrangled; but God doth what he will.&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Surah iii. 37-42: &quot;And remember when the angels said, 'O Mary! Verily hath God chosen thee, and purified thee, and chosen thee above the women of the worlds! O Mary! Be devout towards thy Lord, and prostrate thyself and bow down with those who bow.' This is one of the announcements of things unseen by thee: To thee, O Muhammad! do we reveal it; for thou wast not with them when they cast lots with reeds which of them should rear Mary: nor wast thou with them when they disputed about it. Remember when the angel said, &quot;O mary! Verily God annnounceth to thee the Word from Him: His name shall be Messiah Jesus the son of Mary, illustrious in this world, and in the next, and one of those who have near access to God; and he shall speak to mean alike when in the cradle and when grown up; and he shall be one of the just.' She said, 'How, O my Lord? Shall I have a son, when man hath not touched me?' He said, 'Thus: God will create what He will; when He decreeth a thing He only saith, &quot;Be,&quot; and it is.' And He will teach him the Book, and the Wisdom, and the Law, and the Evangel; and he shall be an apostle to the children of Israel.&quot; 
** Quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Surah iii. 44: &quot;And I have come to attest the law which was before me; and to allow you part of that which had been forbidden you; and I come to you with a sign from your Lord; Fear God, then, and obey me; of a truth God is my Lord, and your Lord: Therefore worship Him. This is a right way.&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* And he will speak to the people when in the cradle and when of old age, and (he will be) one of the good ones.
** Qur'an 3:46

* She said: My Lord! How can I have a child when no mortal hath touched me? He said: So (it will be). Allah createth what He will. If He decreeth a thing, He saith unto it only: Be! and it is. &lt;br /&gt; And He will teach him the Scripture and wisdom, and the Torah and the Gospel, &lt;br /&gt; And will make him a messenger unto the Children of Israel, (saying): Lo! I come unto you with a sign from your Lord. Lo! I fashion for you out of clay the likeness of a bird, and I breathe into it and it is a bird, by Allah's leave. I heal him who was born blind, and the leper, and I raise the dead, by Allah's leave. And I announce unto you what ye eat and what ye store up in your houses. Lo! herein verily is a portent for you, if ye are to be believers. &lt;br /&gt; And (I come) confirming that which was before me of the Torah, and to make lawful some of that which was forbidden unto you. I come unto you with a sign from your Lord, so keep your duty to Allah and obey me.
** The [[Quran]] [http://skepticsannotatedbible.com/quran/3/index.htm Sura 3:47-50] as translated by [[w:Marmaduke Pickthall|Marmaduke Pickthall]] in ''[[w:The Meaning of the Glorious Koran|The Meaning of the Glorious Koran]]'' (1930)

* Surah iii. 51, 52: &quot;These signs, and this wise warning do we rehearse to thee. Verily, Jesus is as Adam in the sight of God. He created Him of dust: He then said to him, 'Be,' - and he was.&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* And when Allah said: O Isa, [Jesus] I am going to terminate the period of your stay (on earth) and cause you to ascend unto Me and purify you of those who disbelieve and make those who follow you above those who disbelieve to the day of resurrection; then to Me shall be your return, so l will decide between you concerning that in which you differed.
** [[s:ar:أَلْقُرآن أَلْكَرِيم|Original]]: {{lang|ar|إِذْ قَالَ اللّهُ يَا عِيسَى إِنِّي مُتَوَفِّيكَ وَرَافِعُكَإِلَيَّ وَمُطَهِّرُكَ مِنَ الَّذِينَ كَفَرُواْ وَجَاعِلُ الَّذِينَ اتَّبَعُوكَفَوْقَ الَّذِينَ كَفَرُواْ إِلَى يَوْمِ الْقِيَامَةِ ثُمَّ إِلَيَّ مَرْجِعُكُمْفَأَحْكُمُ بَيْنَكُمْ فِيمَا كُنتُمْ فِيهِ تَخْتَلِفُونَ|rtl}}
** The [[Qur'an]], [http://www.hti.umich.edu/cgi/k/koran/koran-idx?type=DIV0&amp;byte=72808 Sura 3:55] ([[w:Al Imran|The Family of Amram]], {{lang|ar|سورة آل عمران}})

* Surah iii. 72, 73: &quot;And some truly are there among them who torture the Scriptures with they tongues, in order that ye may suppose it to be from the Scripture, yet it is not from the Scripture. And they say, 'This is from God'; yet it is not from God; and they utter s lie against God, and they know they do so. It beseemeth not a man, that God should give his the Scriptures and the Wisdom, and the gift of prophecy, and that then he should say to his followers, 'Be ye worshipers of me, as well as of God'; but rather, 'Be ye perfect in things pertaining to God, since ye know the Scriptures, and have studied deep.'&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Then because of their breaking of their covenant, and their disbelieving in the revelations of Allah, and their slaying of the prophets wrongfully, and their saying: Our hearts are hardened — Nay, but Allah set a seal upon them for their disbelief, so that they believe not save a few — &lt;br /&gt; And because of their disbelief and of their speaking against Mary a tremendous calumny; &lt;br /&gt; And because of their saying: We slew the Messiah, Jesus son of Mary, Allah's messenger — they slew him not nor crucified him, but it appeared so unto them; and lo! those who disagree concerning it are in doubt thereof; they have no knowledge thereof save pursuit of a conjecture; they slew him not for certain. &lt;br /&gt; But Allah took him up unto Himself. Allah was ever Mighty, Wise. &lt;br /&gt; There is not one of the People of the Scripture but will believe in him before his death, and on the Day of Resurrection he will be a witness against them.
** [[s:ar:أَلْقُرآن أَلْكَرِيم|Original]]:{{lang|ar|فَبِمَا نَقْضِهِم مِّيثَاقَهُمْ وَكُفْرِهِم بَآيَاتِ اللّهِ وَقَتْلِهِمُ الأَنْبِيَاءَبِغَيْرِ حَقًّ وَقَوْلِهِمْ قُلُوبُنَا غُلْفٌ بَلْ طَبَعَ اللّهُ عَلَيْهَابِكُفْرِهِمْفَلاَ يُؤْمِنُونَ إِلاَّ قَلِ &lt;br /&gt; وَبِكُفْرِهِمْ وَقَوْلِهِمْ عَلَى مَرْيَمَبُهْتَاناً عَظِيماً &lt;br /&gt; وَقَوْلِهِمْ إِنَّا قَتَلْنَا الْمَسِيحَ عِيسَى ابْنَمَرْيَمَرَسُولَ اللّهِ وَمَا قَتَلُوهُ وَمَا صَلَبُوهُ وَلَـكِن شُبِّهَ لَهُمْ وَإِنَّالَّذِينَاخْتَلَفُواْ فِيهِ لَفِي شَكٍّ مِّنْهُ مَا لَهُم بِهِ مِنْ عِلْمٍ إِلاَّ اتِّبَاعَالظَّنِّوَمَا قَتَلُوهُ يَقِينا &lt;br /&gt; بَل رَّفَعَهُ اللّهُ إِلَيْهِ وَكَانَ اللّهُعَزِيزاً حَكِيماً &lt;br /&gt; وَإِن مِّنْ أَهْلِ الْكِتَابِ إِلاَّ لَيُؤْمِنَنَّ بِهِ قَبْلَ مَوْتِهِوَيَوْمَالْقِيَامَةِ يَكُونُ عَلَيْهِمْ شَهِيدا|rtl}}
** The [[Qur'an]], [http://www.sacred-texts.com/isl/pick/004.htm Sura 4:155–159] ([[w:An-Nisa|The Women]], {{lang|ar|سورة النساء|rtl}})

* Surah iv. 169: &quot;O ye people of the Book! Overstep not bounds in your religion; and of God, speak only truth. The Messiah, Jesus, son of Mary, is only an apostle of God, and His Word which he conveyed into Mary, and a Spirit from Him. Believe, therefore, in God and His apostles, and say not, 'Three': (i.e. there is a Trinity) - Forbear - it will be better for you. God is only one God! Far be it from His glory that He should have a son! His, whatever is in the Heavens, and whatever is in the Earth! And God is a sufficient Guardian.&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* O followers of the Book! [The Bible] do not exceed the limits in your religion, and do not speak (lies) against Allah, but (speak) the truth; the Messiah, Isa son of Marium [Jesus son of Mary] is only an apostle of Allah and His Word which He communicated to Marium and a spirit from Him; believe therefore in Allah and His apostles, and say not, Three. Desist, it is better for you; Allah is only one God; far be It from His glory that He should have a son, whatever is in the heavens and whatever is in the earth is His, and Allah is sufficient for a Protector.
** [[s:ar:أَلْقُرآن أَلْكَرِيم|Original]]: {{lang|ar|يَا أَهْلَ الْكِتَابِ لاَ تَغْلُواْ فِي دِينِكُمْ وَلاَ تَقُولُواْعَلَى اللّهِ إِلاَّ الْحَقِّ إِنَّمَا الْمَسِيحُ عِيسَى ابْنُ مَرْيَمَ رَسُولُاللّهِ وَكَلِمَتُهُ أَلْقَاهَا إِلَى مَرْيَمَ وَرُوحٌ مِّنْهُ فَآمِنُواْ بِاللّهِوَرُسُلِهِ وَلاَ تَقُولُواْ ثَلاَثَةٌ انتَهُواْ خَيْراً لَّكُمْ إِنَّمَا اللّهُإِلَـهٌوَاحِدٌ سُبْحَانَهُ أَن يَكُونَ لَهُ وَلَدٌ لَّهُ مَا فِي السَّمَاوَاتوَمَا فِي الأَرْضِ وَكَفَى بِاللّهِ وَكِيل|rtl}}
** The [[Qur'an]], [http://www.hti.umich.edu/cgi/k/koran/koran-idx?type=DIV0&amp;byte=114839 Sura 4:171] ([[w:An-Nisa|The Women]], {{lang|ar|سورة النساء|rtl}})

* In blasphemy indeed are those that say that God is Christ the son of Mary. Say: &quot;Who then hath the least power against God, if He wished to destroy Christ the son of Mary, his mother, and all those on the earth? For to God belongeth the dominion of the heavens and the earth, and all that is between. He createth what He pleaseth. For God hath power over all things.&quot;
** Qur'an 5:17

* Surah v. 50, 51: &quot;And in the footsteps of the prophets caused we Jesus, the son of Mary, to follow, confirming the law which was before him; and we gave him the Evangel with its guidance and light, confirmatory of the preceding Law: a guidance and warning to those who fear God:- And that the people of the Evangel may judge according to what God hath sent down therein. And whose will not judge by what God hath sent down - such are the perverse.&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Certainly they disbelieve who say: Surely Allah, He is the Messiah, son of Marium; and the Messiah said: O Children of Israel! serve Allah, my Lord and your Lord. Surely whoever associates (others) with Allah, then Allah has forbidden to him the garden, and his abode is the fire; and there shall be no helpers for the unjust. &lt;br/&gt; Certainly they disbelieve who say: Surely Allah is the third (person) of the three; and there is no god but the one God, and if they desist not from what they say, a painful chastisement shall befall those among them who disbelieve.
** [[s:ar:أَلْقُرآن أَلْكَرِيم|Original]]: {{lang|ar|لَقَدْ كَفَرَ الَّذِينَ قَالُواْ إِنَّ اللّهَ هُوَالْمَسِيحُ ابْنُ مَرْيَمَ وَقَالَ الْمَسِيحُ يَا بَنِي إِسْرَائِيلَ اعْبُدُواْاللّهَ رَبِّي وَرَبَّكُمْ إِنَّهُ مَن يُشْرِكْ بِاللّهِ فَقَدْ حَرَّمَ اللّهُعَلَيهِالْجَنَّةَ وَمَأْوَاهُ النَّارُ وَمَا لِلظَّالِمِينَ مِنْ أَنصَارٍ &lt;br /&gt; لَّقَدْ كَفَرَ الَّذِينَ قَالُواْ إِنَّ اللّهَ ثَالِثُ ثَلاَثَةٍ وَمَا مِنْإِلَـهٍ إِلاَّ إِلَـهٌ وَاحِدٌ وَإِن لَّمْ يَنتَهُواْ عَمَّا يَقُولُونَ لَيَمَسَّنَّالَّذِينَ كَفَرُواْ مِنْهُمْ عَذَابٌ أَلِي|rtl}}
** The [[Qur'an]], [http://www.hti.umich.edu/cgi/k/koran/koran-idx?type=DIV0&amp;byte=158021 Sura 5:72–73] ([[w:Al-Ma'ida|The Dinner Table]], {{lang|ar|سورة المائدة|rtl}}

* Surah v. 76-69: &quot;They misbelieve who say, 'Verily, God is the Messiah, the son of Mary'; but the Messiah said, 'O children of Israel! Worship God, my Lord and your Lord; verily, he who associates aught with God, God hath forbidden him Paradise, and his resort is the Fire, and the unjust shall have none to help them. They misbelieve who say, 'Verily God is the third of three, for there is no God but one; and if they do not desist from what they say, there shall touch those who misbelieve amongst them grievous woe. Will they not turn again towards God and ask pardon of Him? For God is forgiving and merciful.' The Messiah, the son of Mary, is only a prophet! Prophets before him have passed away; and his mother was a confessor; they used both to eat food. See how we explain to them the signs, yet see how they turn aside!&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Surah lvii. 26, 27: &quot;And of old sent we Noah and Abraham, and on their seed conferred the gift of prophecy, and the Book; and some of them we guided aright; but many were evil doers. Then we caused our apostles to follow in their footsteps; and we caused Jesus the son of Mary to follow them; and we gave him the Evangel and we put into the hearts of those who followed him kindness and compassion; but as to the monastic life, they invented it themselves. The desire only of pleasing God did we prescribe to them, and this they observed not as it ought to have been observed; but to such of them as believed gave we their reward, though many of them were perverse.&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Surah xix. 16-21: &quot;And make mention in the Book, of Mary, when she went apart from her family, eastward, and took a veil to shroud herself from them: and We sent Our spirit to her, and he took before her the form of a perfect man. She said: 'I fly for refuge from thee to the God of Mercy! If thou fearest Him, begone from me.' He said: 'I am only a messenger of they Lord, that I may bestow on thee a holy son.' She said: 'How shall I have a son, when man hath never touched me? And I am not unchaste.' He said: 'So shall it be. Thy Lord hath said: &quot;Easy is this with me; and we will make him a sign to mankind and a mercy from us. For it is a thing decreed.&quot;'&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Then she brought him to her own folk, carrying him. They said: O Mary! Thou hast come with an amazing thing. &lt;br /&gt; O sister of Aaron! Thy father was not a wicked man nor was thy mother a harlot. &lt;br /&gt; Then she pointed to him. They said: How can we talk to one who is in the cradle, a young boy? &lt;br /&gt; He spake: Lo! I am the slave of Allah. He hath given me the Scripture and hath appointed me a Prophet, &lt;br /&gt; And hath made me blessed wheresoever I may be, and hath enjoined upon me prayer and almsgiving so long as I remain alive, &lt;br /&gt; And (hath made me) dutiful toward her who bore me, and hath not made me arrogant, unblest. &lt;br /&gt; Peace on me the day I was born, and the day I die, and the day I shall be raised alive! &lt;br /&gt; Such was Jesus, son of Mary: (this is) a statement of the truth concerning which they doubt. &lt;br /&gt; It befitteth not (the Majesty of) Allah that He should take unto Himself a son. Glory be to Him! When He decreeth a thing, He saith unto it only: Be! and it is. &lt;br /&gt; And lo! Allah is my Lord and your Lord. So serve Him. That is the right path. &lt;br /&gt; The sects among them differ: but woe unto the disbelievers from the meeting of an awful Day. &lt;br /&gt; See and hear them on the Day they come unto Us! yet the evil-doers are today in error manifest. &lt;br /&gt; And warn them of the Day of anguish when the case hath been decided. Now they are in a state of carelessness, and they believe not.
** [[s:ar:أَلْقُرآن أَلْكَرِيم|Original]]: {{lang|ar| فَأَتَتْ بِهِ قَوْمَهَا تَحْمِلُهُ قَالُوا يَا مَرْيَمُ لَقَدْ جِئْتِ شَيْئاًفَرِيّاً &lt;br /&gt; يَا أُخْتَ هَارُونَ مَا كَانَ أَبُوكِ امْرَأَ سَوْءٍ وَمَا كَانَتْأُمُّكِ بَغِيّاً &lt;br /&gt; فَأَشَارَتْ إِلَيْهِ قَالُوا كَيْفَ نُكَلِّمُ مَن كَانَفِيالْمَهْدِ صَبِيّاً &lt;br /&gt; قَالَ إِنِّي عَبْدُ اللَّهِ آتَانِيَ الْكِتَابَ وَجَعَلَنِينَبِيّاً &lt;br /&gt; وَجَعَلَنِي مُبَارَكاً أَيْنَ مَا كُنتُ وَأَوْصَانِي بِالصَّلَاةِوَالزَّكَاةِ مَا دُمْتُ حَيّاً &lt;br /&gt; وَبَرّاً بِوَالِدَتِي وَلَمْ يَجْعَلْنِيجَبَّاراً شَقِيّاً &lt;br /&gt; وَالسَّلَامُ عَلَيَّ يَوْمَ وُلِدتُّ وَيَوْمَ أَمُوتُوَيَوْمَ أُبْعَثُ حَيّاً &lt;br /&gt; ذَلِكَ عِيسَى ابْنُ مَرْيَمَ قَوْلَ الْحَقِّالَّذِي فِيهِ يَمْتَرُونَ &lt;br /&gt; مَا كَانَ لِلَّهِ أَن يَتَّخِذَ مِن وَلَدٍ سُبْحَانَهُإِذَا قَضَى أَمْراً فَإِنَّمَا يَقُولُ لَهُ كُن فَيَكُونُ &lt;br /&gt; وَإِنَّ اللَّهَرَبِّي وَرَبُّكُمْفَاعْبُدُوهُ هَذَا صِرَاطٌ مُّسْتَقِيمٌ &lt;br /&gt; فَاخْتَلَفَ الْأَحْزَابُ مِنبَيْنِهِمْ فَوَيْلٌ لِّلَّذِينَ كَفَرُوا مِن مَّشْهَدِ يَوْمٍ عَظِيمٍ &lt;br /&gt; أَسْمِعْ بِهِمْوَأَبْصِرْ يَوْمَ يَأْتُونَنَا لَكِنِ الظَّالِمُونَ الْيَوْمَ فِي ضَلَالٍ مُّبِينٍ &lt;br /&gt; وَأَنذِرْهُمْ يَوْمَ الْحَسْرَةِ إِذْ قُضِيَ الْأَمْرُ وَهُمْ فِي غَفْلَةٍوَهُمْ لَا يُؤْمِنُونَ|rtl}}
** The [[Qur'an]], [http://www.sacred-texts.com/isl/pick/019.htm Sura 19:27–39] ([[w:Maryam|Maryam]], {{lang|ar|سورة مريم|rtl}}

* Surah lxi. 6: &quot;And remember when Jesus the son of Mary said, 'O children of Israel! Of a truth I am God's apostle to you to confirm the law which was given before me, and to announce an apostle that shall come after me whose name shall be Ahmad! But when he (Ahmad) presented himself with clear proofs of his mission, they said, 'This is manifest sorcery!&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Surah xxiii. 52: &quot;And we appointed the Son and his Mother for a sign; and we prepared an abode in a lofty spot, quiet and watered with springs.&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Surah v. 112-115: &quot;Remember when the Apostles said: 'O Jesus, Son of Mary! Is thy Lord able to send down a furnished table to us out of Heaven?' He said: 'Fear God if ye be believers.' They said: 'We desire to eat therefrom, and to have our hearts assured; and to know that thou hast indeed spoken truth to us, and to be witnesses thereof.' Jesus, Son of Mary, said: 'O God our Lord! Send down a table to us out of Heaven, that it may become a recurring festival to us, to the first of us and to the last of us, and a sign from thee; and do thou nourish us, for thou art the best of nourishers.' And God said: 'Verily, I will cause it to descend unto you; but whoever among you after that shall disbelieve, I will surely chastise him with a chastisement wherewith I will not chastise any other creature. 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Surah v. 19: &quot;Infidels now are they who say, 'Verily God is Messiah Ibn Maryam (son of Mary)! SAY: And who could aught obtain from God, if he chose to destroy the Messiah Ibn Maryam, and his mother, and all who are on the earth together?'&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* And when Allah will say: O Isa son of Marium! [Jesus son of Mary] did you say to men, Take me and my mother for two gods besides Allah he will say: Glory be to Thee, it did not befit me that I should say what I had no right to (say); if I had said it, Thou wouldst indeed have known it; Thou knowest what is in my mind, and I do not know what is in Thy mind, surely Thou art the great Knower of the unseen things.
** [[s:ar:أَلْقُرآن أَلْكَرِيم|Original]]: {{lang|ar|وَإِذْ قَالَ اللّهُ يَا عِيسَى ابْنَ مَرْيَمَ أَأَنتَ قُلتَ لِلنَّاسِ اتَّخِذُونِيوَأُمِّيَ إِلَـهَيْنِ مِن دُونِ اللّهِ قَالَ سُبْحَانَكَ مَا يَكُونُ لِي أَنْأَقُولَ مَا لَيْسَ لِي بِحَقٍّ إِن كُنتُ قُلْتُهُ فَقَدْ عَلِمْتَهُ تَعْلَمُمَا فِينَفْسِي وَلاَ أَعْلَمُ مَا فِي نَفْسِكَ إِنَّكَ أَنتَ عَلاَّمُ الْغُيُوب|rtl}}
** The [[Qur'an]], [http://www.hti.umich.edu/cgi/k/koran/koran-idx?type=DIV0&amp;byte=158021 Sura 5:116] ([[w:Al-Ma'ida|The Dinner Table]], {{lang|ar|سورة المائدة|rtl}}

* Surah vi. 85: &quot;And Zachariah, John, Jesus, and Elias: all were just persons.&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Surah ix. 30: &quot;The Jews say Ezra is the Son of God; and the Christians say that the Messiah is the Son of God; that is what they say with their mouths imitating the sayings of those who misbelieve before - God fight them! - How they lie!&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Then she conceived him; and withdrew with him to a remote place. ‏And the throes of childbirth drove her to the trunk of a palm-tree. She said: Oh, would that I had died before this, and had been a thing quite forgotten! ‏So a voice came to her from beneath her: Grieve not, surely thy Lord has provided a stream beneath thee. ‏ And shake towards thee the trunk of the palm-tree, it will drop on thee fresh ripe dates. ‏So eat and drink and cool the eye. Then if thou seest any mortal, say: Surely I have vowed a fast to the Beneficent, so I will not speak to any man to-day.
** Qur'an 19:22-26

* But she pointed to him. They said: How should we speak to one who is a child in the cradle? He said: I am indeed a servant of Allah. He has given me the Book and made me a prophet. And He has made me blessed wherever I may be, and He has enjoined on me prayer and poor-rate so long as I live:
** Qur'an 19:29-31

* Surah xliii. 57-65: &quot;And when the Son of Mary was set forth as an instance of divine power, lo! Thy people cried out for joy thereat: And they said, &quot;Are our god or is he the better?' They put this forth to thee only in the spirit of dispute. Yea. They are a contentious people. Jesus is no more than a servant whom we favored, and proposed as an instance of divine power to the children of Israel; and if we pleased, we could from yourselves bring forth Angels to succeed you on earth; and he shall be a sign of the last hour; doubt not then of it, and follow ye me: this is the right way; and let not Satan turn you aside from it, for he is your manifest foe. And when Jesus came with manifest proofs, he said, 'Now am I come to you with wisdom; and a part of those things about which ye are at variance I will clear up to you; fear ye God, therefore, and obey me. Verily, God is my Lord and your Lord; wherefore, worship ye him: this is a right way.' But the different parties fell into disputes among themselves; but woe to those who thus transgressed, because of the punishment of an afflictive day!&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Surah xix. 35, 36: &quot;That is Jesus, the son of Mary, the word of truth (Qaulu 'l-Haqq), whereon ye do dispute! God could not take to Himself a son! Celebrated be His praise! When He decrees a matter He only say to it 'BE,' and it is; and verily God is my Lord and your Lord, so worship Him: this is the right way. But the sects have differed among themselves.&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* And when Isa son of Marium [Jesus son of Mary] said: O children of Israel! surely I am the apostle of Allah to you, verifying that which is before me of the Taurat and giving the good news of an Apostle who will come after me, his name being [[w:Ahmad (name)|Ahmad]] [Muhammad], but when he came to them with clear arguments they said: This is clear magic.
** [[s:ar:أَلْقُرآن أَلْكَرِيم|Original]]: {{lang|ar|وَإِذْ قَالَ عِيسَى ابْنُ مَرْيَمَ يَا بَنِي إِسْرَائِيلَ إِنِّي رَسُولُ اللَّهِإِلَيْكُم مُّصَدِّقاًلِّمَا بَيْنَ يَدَيَّ مِنَ التَّوْرَاةِ وَمُبَشِّراً بِرَسُولٍ يَأْتِي مِنبَعْدِي اسْمُهُ أَحْمَدُ فَلَمَّاجَاءهُم بِالْبَيِّنَاتِ قَالُوا هَذَا سِحْرٌ مُّبِينٌ|rtl}}
** The [[Qur'an]], [http://www.hti.umich.edu/cgi/k/koran/koran-idx?type=DIV0&amp;byte=874756 Sura 61:6] ([[w:As-Saff|The Ranks]], {{lang|ar|سورة الصف|rtl}}

* Say: He, Allah, is One. &lt;br/&gt; Allah is He on Whom all depend. &lt;br/&gt; He begets not, nor is He begotten. &lt;br/&gt; And none is like Him.
** [[s:ar:أَلْقُرآن أَلْكَرِيم|Original]]: {{lang|ar|بِسْمِ اللهِ ٱلرَّحْمَـٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيمِ &lt;br /&gt; قُلْ هُوَ اللَّهُ أَحَدٌ &lt;br /&gt; اللَّهُ الصَّمَدُ &lt;br /&gt; لَمْ يَلِدْوَلَمْ يُولَدْ &lt;br /&gt; وَلَمْ يَكُن لَّهُ كُفُواً أَحَدٌ|rtl}}
** The [[Qur'an]], [http://www.hti.umich.edu/cgi/k/koran/koran-idx?type=DIV0&amp;byte=969810 Sura 112:1–4] ([[w:Al-Ikhlas|The Unity]], {{lang|ar|سورة الإخلاص|rtl}} This statement was declared as a rebuke to Christian doctrines of Jesus as the incarnation of God, and that God could beget a son that was his equal.

====The [[Hadith]]====
:&lt;small&gt;[[Wikisource:Hadith|Hadith]] in Wikisouce&lt;/small&gt;
* The Prophet said, &quot;On the night of my Ascent to the Heaven, I saw Moses who was a tall brown curly-haired man as if he was one of the men of Shan'awa tribe, and I saw Jesus, a man of medium height and moderate complexion inclined to the red and white colors and of lank hair. I also saw Malik, the gate-keeper of the (Hell) Fire and [[w:Dajjal|Ad-Dajjal]] [the [[w:Antichrist|Antichrist]]] amongst the signs which Allah showed me.&quot;
** [[w:Hadith|Hadith]], translation of [[Sahih Bukhari|Sahih Bukhari]], [http://www.usc.edu/dept/MSA/fundamentals/hadithsunnah/bukhari/054.sbt.html#004.054.462 Volume 4, Book 54, Number 462]

* Allah's Apostle said &quot;How will you be when the son of Mary ([[w:Jesus Christ|Jesus]]) descends amongst you and he will judge people by the Law of the Qur'an and not by the law of Gospel?&quot;
** [[w:Hadith|Hadith]], translation of [[w:Sahih Bukhari|Sahih Bukhari]], [http://www.usc.edu/dept/MSA/fundamentals/hadithsunnah/bukhari/055.sbt.html#004.055.554 Volume 4, Book 55, Number 65]

* The Prophet said, &quot;On the Day of Resurrection the Believers will assemble and say, 'Let us ask somebody to intercede for us with our Lord.' … 'Go to Jesus, Allah's Slave, His Apostle and Allah's Word and a Spirit coming from Him.' Jesus will say, 'I am not fit for this undertaking, go to Muhammad the Slave of Allah whose past and future sins were forgiven by Allah.' So they will come to me and I will proceed till I will ask my Lord's Permission and I will be given permission.
** [[w:Hadith|Hadith]], translation of [[w:Sahih Bukhari|Sahih Bukhari]], [http://www.usc.edu/dept/MSA/fundamentals/hadithsunnah/bukhari/060.sbt.html#006.060.149 Volume 6, Book 50, Number 3]

* By Him in Whose hand is my life, the son of Mary will soon descend among you as a just judge. He will break crosses, kill swine and abolish Jizya and the wealth will pour forth to such an extent that no one will accept it.
** [[Hadith]], translation of [[w:Sahih Bukhari|Sahih Bukhari]], [https://sunnah.com/muslim/1/296 Book 1, Hadith 296]

===Islamic Inscriptions from the Dome of the Rock ({{lang|ar|مسجد قبة الصخرة|rtl}})===
[[File:Dehio 10 Dome of the Rock Floor plan.jpg|thumb|Oh God, bless Your Messenger and Your servant Jesus son of Mary. Peace be on him the day he was born, and the day he dies, and the day he shall be raised alive! &lt;!-- Floor plan for the octagonal arcade of [[w:The Dome of the Rock|The Dome of the Rock]] ({{lang|ar|مسجد قبة الصخرة|rtl}}) in Jerusalem (built 692 CE), which contains numerous inscriptions that refer to Jesus --&gt;]]

* &quot;O People of the Book! Do not exaggerate in your religion nor utter aught concerning God save the truth. The Messiah, Jesus son of Mary, was only a Messenger of God, and His Word which He conveyed unto Mary, and a spirit from Him. So believe in God and His messengers, and say not 'Three' — Cease! (it is better for you! — God is only One God. Far be it removed from His transcendent majesty that He should have a son. His is all that is in the heavens and all that is in the earth. And God is sufficient as Defender.&quot; (Quran 4:171)
** [[w:Islam|Islamic]] inscription in the east-northeast inner octagonal arcade of the [[w:Dome of the Rock|Dome of the Rock]], Jerusalem (692 CE), [link to [http://www.islamic-awareness.org/History/Islam/Inscriptions/DoTR.html full text and translation]]

* Oh God, bless Your Messenger and Your servant Jesus son of Mary. Peace be on him the day he was born, and the day he dies, and the day he shall be raised alive! Such was Jesus, son of Mary, (this is) a statement of the truth concerning which they doubt.
** [[w:Islam|Islamic]] inscription in the north-northwest inner octagonal arcade of the [[w:Dome of the Rock|Dome of the Rock]], Jerusalem (692 CE), [link to [http://www.islamic-awareness.org/History/Islam/Inscriptions/DoTR.html full text and translation]]

* It befitteth not (the Majesty of) God that He should take unto Himself a son. Glory be to Him! When He decreeth a thing, He saith unto it only: Be! and it is. Lo! God is my Lord and your Lord. So serve Him. That is the right path. God (Himself) is witness that there is no God save Him.
** [[w:Islam|Islamic]] inscription in the northwest-west inner octagonal arcade of the [[w:Dome of the Rock|Dome of the Rock]], Jerusalem (692 CE), [link to [http://www.islamic-awareness.org/History/Islam/Inscriptions/DoTR.html full text and translation]]

* There is no god but God. He is One. Praise be to God, Who hath not taken unto Himself a son, and Who hath no partner in the Sovereignty, nor hath He any protecting friend through dependence.
** [[w:Islam|Islamic]] inscription in the west-northwest inner octagonal arcade of the [[w:Dome of the Rock|Dome of the Rock]], Jerusalem (692 CE), [link to [http://www.islamic-awareness.org/History/Islam/Inscriptions/DoTR.html full text and translation]]

===High Middle Ages===

* The purpose and cause of the incarnation was that He might illuminate the world by His wisdom and excite it to the love of Himself.
** [[Peter Abelard]] (1079–1142), as quoted in &quot;The Abelardian Doctrine Of The Atonement&quot; (1892), published in ''Doctrine and Development : University Sermons'' (1898) by Hastings Rashdall, p. 138

* If it be necessary, therefore, as it appears, that the heavenly kingdom be made up of men, and this cannot be effected unless the aforesaid satisfaction be made, which none but God can make and none but man ought to make, it is necessary for the God-man to make it.
** [[St. Anselm]] of Canterbury (1033–1109), ''Cur Deus Homo''

===The Reformation and Counter-Reformation===

* If You return to earth, come armed Lord,&lt;br&gt;because enemies are preparing other crosses&lt;br&gt;—not Turks, not Jews—but those of Your own kingdom
** [[Tommaso Campanella]], &quot;To Jesus Christ&quot;, as cited in Roush, Sherry, 2011, ''Selected Philosophical Poems of Tommaso Campanella'', University of Chicago Press, p. 18. Jesus

* He did not call them Abraham's children, but a &quot;brood of vipers&quot; [Matt. 3:7]. Oh, that was too insulting for the noble blood and race of Israel, and they declared, &quot;He has a demon' [Matt 11:18]. Our Lord also calls them a &quot;brood of vipers&quot;; furthermore in John 8 [:39,44] he states: &quot;If you were Abraham's children ye would do what Abraham did... You are of your father the devil. It was intolerable to them to hear that they were not Abraham's but the devil's children, nor can they bear to hear this today.
** [[w:Martin Luther|Martin Luther]] (1543), quoting what Jesus is said to have declared to some of the Jewish religious leaders of his time. ''[[w:On the Jews and Their Lies|On the Jews and Their Lies]]'' [http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/source/luther-jews.html]

* In those holy fields. &lt;br /&gt; Over whose acres walk'd those blessed feet &lt;br /&gt; Which, fourteen hundred years ago, were nail'd &lt;br /&gt; For our advantage on the bitter cross.
** [[William Shakespeare]], [[Henry IV, Part 1|''Henry IV'', Part I]] (c. 1597), Act I, scene 1, line 24

* And on his brest a bloodie crosse he bore, &lt;br /&gt; The deare remembrance of his dying Lord, &lt;br /&gt; For whose sweete sake that glorious badge he wore.
** [[Edmund Spenser]], ''The Faerie Queene'' (1589–96), Book I, Canto I, Stanza 2

===The Age of Reason (Seventeenth Century)===

* I must at this juncture declare that those doctrines which certain churches put forward concerning Christ, I neither affirm nor deny, for I freely confess that I do not grasp them.
** [[w:Baruch Spinoza|Baruch Spinoza]], ''[[w:Theologico-Political Treatise|Theologico-Political Treatise]]'' [http://www.yesselman.com/ttpelws1.htm#1:50understand] (1677)

===The Age of Enlightenment (Eighteenth Century)===

* We Recognize No Sovereign but God, and no King but Jesus!
** [[John Adams]] and [[John Hancock]] (April 18, 1775)[http://www.eadshome.com/QuotesoftheFounders.htm])

*Jesus taught the world nothing that had not been taught as earnestly before by other [[Masters of Wisdom|masters]]. He begins His [[Sermon on the Mount|sermon [on the Mount]]] with certain purely Buddhistic precepts that had found acceptance among the [[Essenes]], and were generally practiced by the Orphikoi, and the [[w:Neo-platonists|Neo-platonists]]... Every word of His sermon is an echo of the essential principles of monastic [[Buddhism|Buddhism.]]	
**[[H.P. Blavatsky]] in ''[[Isis Unveiled]]'' Vol. 2, (1877)

*I believe blindly in those words of Christ that I clearly understand and still more in those that were expressed by Him in the [[Sermon on the Mount]] for I find them literally repeated in the [[Buddhist]] sermons of [[Gautama]], in the [[Dhammapada]] and in the Sastras of Siddhartha Buddha, as well as the Egyptian Book of the Dead.
**[[H.P. Blavatsky]], ''The Letters of H. P. Blavatsky'': Volume 1 1861-1879, ISBN-13: 978-0835608367

*The religion which the primitive teaching of the early few apostles most resembled — a religion preached by Jesus himself — is the elder of... Buddhism. The latter as taught in its primitive purity, and carried to perfection by the last of the Buddhas, Gautama, based its moral ethics on three fundamental principles. It alleged that 1, every thing existing, exists from natural causes; 2, that virtue brings its own reward, and vice and sin their own punishment; and, 3, that the state of man in this world is probationary... However puzzling the subsequent theological tenets; however seemingly incomprehensible the metaphysical abstractions which have convulsed the theology of every one of the great religions of mankind as soon as it was placed on a sure footing, the above is found to be the essence of every religious philosophy, with the exception of later Christianity. It was that of Zoroaster, of Pythagoras, of Plato, of Jesus, and even of Moses, albeit the teachings of the Jewish law-giver have been so piously tampered with. 
**[[H.P. Blavatsky|H.P. Blavatsky]], ''[[w:Isis Unveiled|Isis Unveiled]]'', Vol. II, Chapter III, p. 124 (1877)

*Perhaps the Church of Rome was but consistent in choosing as her titular founder the apostle who thrice denied his master at the moment of danger; and the only one, moreover, except Judas, who provoked Christ in such a way as to be addressed as the &quot;Enemy.&quot; &quot;Get thee behind me, Satan!&quot; exclaims Jesus, rebuking the taunting apostle.(Gospel according to Mark, viii. 33.) There is a tradition in the Greek Church which has never found favor at the Vatican. The former traces its origin to one of the Gnostic leaders — Basilides, perhaps, who lived under Trajan and Adrian, at the end of the first and the beginning of the second century. With regard to this particular tradition, if the Gnostic is Basilides, then he must be accepted as a sufficient authority, having claimed to have been a disciple of the Apostle Matthew, and to have had for master Glaucias, a disciple of St. Peter himself...  
**[[H.P. Blavatsky|H.P. Blavatsky]], ''[[w:Isis Unveiled|Isis Unveiled]]'', Vol. II, Chapter III], p.125, (1877)

*This tradition, then, of which we have been speaking, affirms that, when frightened at the accusation of the servant of the high priest, the apostle had thrice denied his master, and the cock had crowed, Jesus, who was then passing through the hall in custody of the soldiers, turned, and, looking at Peter, said: &quot;Verily, I say unto thee, Peter, thou shalt deny me throughout the coming ages, and never stop until thou shalt be old, and shalt stretch forth thy hands, and another shall gird thee and carry thee whither thou wouldst not.&quot; The latter part of this sentence, say the Greeks, relates to the Church of Rome, and prophesies her constant apostasy from Christ, under the mask of false religion. Later, it was inserted in the twenty-first chapter of John, but the whole of this chapter had been pronounced a forgery, even before it was found that this Gospel was never written by John the Apostle at all. 
**[[H.P. Blavatsky|H.P. Blavatsky]], ''[[w:Isis Unveiled|Isis Unveiled]]'', Vol. II, Chapter III], p. 125, (1877)

*All the civilized portion of the [[Paganism|Pagans]] who knew of Jesus honored him as a [[philosopher]], an adept whom they placed on the same level with [[Pythagoras]] and [[Apollonius]]. Whence such a veneration on their part for a man, were he simply, as represented by the Synoptics, a poor, unknown Jewish carpenter from Nazareth? As an incarnated God there is no single record of him on this earth capable of withstanding the critical examination of science; as one of the greatest reformers, an inveterate enemy of every theological dogmatism, a persecutor of bigotry, a teacher of one of the most sublime codes of ethics, Jesus is one of the grandest and most clearly-defined figures on the panorama of human history. His age may, with every day, be receding farther and farther back into the gloomy and hazy mists of the past; and his theology — based on human fancy and supported by untenable dogmas may, nay, must with every day lose more of its unmerited prestige; alone the grand figure of the philosopher and moral reformer instead of growing paler will become with every century more pronounced and more clearly defined. It will reign supreme and universal only on that day when the whole of humanity recognizes but one father — the unknown one above — and one brother — the whole of mankind below.
*[[H.P. Blavatsky]], ''Isis Unveiled: A Master-Key to the Mysteries of Ancient and Modern Science and Theology,'' Vol. II, [https://www.theosociety.org/pasadena/isis/iu2-03.htm Chapter III], p. 150 (1877)

* This gem is in the collection of the author of &quot;The Gnostics and their Remains.&quot; See p. 201.
† &quot;Heresies,&quot; xxvii.
151 — THE LONG-HAIRED NAZARENES.
father — the unknown one above — and one brother — the whole of mankind below.

* '''Our Lord Jesus [[w:Christ|Christ]], a little before his departure, commissioned his apostles to ''Go'', and ''teach all nations;'' or, as another evangelist expresses it, ''Go into all the world, and preach the gospel to every creature.''''' This commission was as extensive as possible, and laid them under obligation to disperse themselves into every country of the habitable globe, and preach to all the inhabitants, without exception, or limitation. They accordingly went forth in obedience to the command, and the power of God evidently wrought with them.
** [[William Carey]], '''An Enquiry into the Obligations of Christians to Use Means for the Conversion of the Heathens (1792)’’ Sect. I : ''An Enquiry whether the Commission given by our Lord to his Disciples be not still binding on us.''

* [N]either antiquity nor any other nation has imagined a more atrocious and blasphemous absurdity than that of eating God. This is how Christians treat the autocrat of the universe.
** [[Frederick II of Prussia|Frederick the Great]], ''Letters of Voltaire and Frederick the Great'' (New York: Brentano's, 1927), transl. [[w:Richard Aldington|Richard Aldington]], letter 215 from [[Frederick II of Prussia|Frederick]] to [[Voltaire]] (19 March 1776)

* The ancient and popular doctrine of the Millennium was intimately connected with the second coming of Christ. As the works of the creation had been finished in six days, their duration in their present state, according to a tradition which was attributed to the prophet Elijah, was fixed to six thousand years. By the same analogy it was inferred that this long period of labour and contention, which was now almost elapsed, would be succeeded by a joyful Sabbath of a thousand years; and that Christ, with the triumphant band of the saints and the elect who had escaped death, or who had been miraculously revived, would reign upon earth till the time appointed for the last and general resurrection. So pleasing was this hope to the mind of believers, that the new Jerusalem, the seat of this blissful kingdom, was quickly adorned with all the gayest colours of the imagination. … Though it might not be universally received, it appears to have been the reigning sentiment of the orthodox believers; and it seems so well adapted to the desires and apprehensions of mankind, that it must have contributed in a very considerable degree to the progress of the Christian faith. But when the edifice of the church was almost completed, the temporary support was laid aside. The doctrine of Christ's reign upon earth was at first treated as a profound allegory, was considered by degrees as a doubtful and useless opinion, and was at length rejected as the absurd invention of heresy and fanaticism. A mysterious prophecy, which still forms a part of the sacred canon, but which was thought to favour the exploded sentiment, has very narrowly escaped the proscription of the church.
** [[Edward Gibbon]] (1788), ''[[w:The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire|The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire]]'', [http://www.ccel.org/ccel/gibbon/decline/files/volume1/chap15.htm 1, Chap.&amp;nbsp;15], on the progress of the Christian religion, and the sentiments, manners, numbers, and condition of the primitive Christians [http://www.ccel.org/ccel/gibbon/decline/files/volume1/chap15.htm]

* How shall we excuse the supine inattention of the Pagan and philosophic world to those evidences which were presented by the hand of Omnipotence, not to their reason, but to their senses? During the age of Christ, of his apostles, and of their first disciples, the doctrine which they preached was confirmed by innumerable prodigies. The lame walked, the blind saw, the sick were healed, the dead were raised, daemons were expelled, and the laws of Nature were frequently suspended for the benefit of the church. &lt;br/&gt; … Under the reign of Tiberius, the whole earth, or at least a celebrated province of the Roman empire, was involved in a preternatural darkness of three hours. Even this miraculous event, which ought to have excited the wonder, the curiosity, and the devotion of mankind, passed without notice in an age of science and history. It happened during the lifetime of Seneca and the elder Pliny, who must have experienced the immediate effects, or received the earliest intelligence, of the prodigy. Each of these philosophers, in a laborious work, has recorded all the great phenomena of Nature, earthquakes, meteors, comets, and eclipses, which his indefatigable curiosity could collect. Both the one and the other have omitted to mention the greatest phenomenon to which the mortal eye has been witness since the creation of the globe.
** [[Edward Gibbon]] (1788), ''[[w:The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire|The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire]]'', [http://www.ccel.org/ccel/gibbon/decline/files/volume1/chap15.htm 1, Chap.&amp;nbsp;15], on the progress of the Christian religion, and the sentiments, manners, numbers, and condition of the primitive Christians [http://www.ccel.org/ccel/gibbon/decline/files/volume1/chap15.htm]

* I doubt whether the people of this country would suffer an execution for heresy, or a three years imprisonment for not comprehending the mysteries of the trinity.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], ''Notes on Virginia'', 1782. Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-04_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;4], p.&amp;nbsp;81

* You will next read the new testament. It is the history of a personage called Jesus. Keep in your eye the opposite pretensions I. of those who say he was begotten by god, born of a virgin, suspended &amp; reversed the laws of nature at will, &amp; ascended bodily into heaven: and 2. of those who say he was a man of illegitimate birth, of a benevolent heart, enthusiastic mind, who set out without pretensions to divinity, ended in believing them, &amp; was Punished capitally for sedition by being gibbeted according to the Roman law which punished the first commission of that offence by whipping, &amp; the second by exile or death in ''furcâ''. … '''Do not be frightened from this inquiry by any fear of it's consequences. If it ends in a belief that there is no god, you will find incitements to virtue in the comfort &amp; pleasantness you feel in it's exercise, and the love of others which it will procure you.''' If you find reason to believe there is a god, a consciousness that you are acting under his eye, &amp; that he approves you, will be a vast additional incitement; if that there be a future state, the hope of a happy existence in that increases the appetite to deserve it; if that Jesus was also a god, you will be comforted by a belief of his aid and love. In fine, I repeat that you must lay aside all prejudice on both sides, &amp; neither believe nor reject anything because any other persons, or description of persons have rejected or believed it. Your own reason is the only oracle given you by heaven, and you are answerable not for the rightness but uprightness of the decision. I forgot to observe '''when speaking of the new testament that you should read all the histories of Christ, as well of those whom a council of ecclesiastics have decided for us to be Pseudo-evangelists, as those they named Evangelists.''' Because these Pseudo-evangelists pretended to inspiration as much as the others, and you are to judge their pretensions by your own reason, &amp; not by the reason of those ecclesiastics. Most of these are lost. There are some however still extant, collected by Fabricius which I will endeavor to get &amp; send you.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], Letter to Peter Carr, August 10, 1787. Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-05_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;5], pp.&amp;nbsp;324–327

* [Jesus] claims that not the observance of outer civil or statutory churchly duties but the pure moral disposition of the heart alone can make man well-pleasing to God (Matthew V, 20-48); … that injury done one’s neighbor can be repaired only through satisfaction rendered to the neighbor himself, not through acts of divine worship (V, 24). Thus, he says, does he intend to do full justice to the Jewish law (V, 17); whence it is obvious that not scriptural scholarship but the pure religion of reason must be the law’s interpreter, for taken according to the letter, it allowed the very opposite of all this. Furthermore, he does not leave unnoticed, in his designations of the strait gate and the narrow way, the misconstruction of the law which men allow themselves in order to evade their true moral duty, holding themselves immune through having fulfilled their churchly duty (VII, 13). He further requires of these pure dispositions that they manifest themselves also in works (VII, 16) and, on the other hand, denies the insidious hope of those who imagine that, through invocation and praise of the Supreme Lawgiver in the person of His envoy, they will make up for their lack of good works and ingratiate themselves into favor (VII, 21). Regarding these works he declares that they ought to be performed publicly, as an example for imitation (V, 16), and in a cheerful mood, not as actions extorted from slaves (VI, 16); and that thus, from a small beginning in the sharing and spreading of such dispositions, religion, like a grain of seed in good soil, or a ferment of goodness, would gradually, through its inner power, grow into a kingdom of God (XIII, 31-33).
** [[Immanuel Kant]], ''[[w:Religion within the Bounds of Bare Reason|Religion within the Limits of Reason Alone]]'', Book IV, Part 1, Section 1, “The Christian religion as a natural religion,” as translated by Theodore M. Greene

* Let us suppose there was a teacher of whom an historical record (or, at least, a widespread belief which is not basically disputable) reports that he was the first to expound publicly a pure and searching religion, comprehensible to the whole world. … Suppose that all he did was done even in the face of a dominant ecclesiastical faith which was onerous and not conducive to moral ends (a faith whose perfunctory worship can serve as a type of all the other faiths, at bottom merely statutory, which were current in the world at the time). Suppose, further, we find that he had made this universal religion of reason the highest and indispensable condition of every religious faith whatsoever … and this without further adding to this faith burdensome new ordinances or wishing to transform acts which he had initiated into peculiar holy practices, required in themselves as being constituent elements of religion. After this description one will not fail to recognize the person who can be referenced, not indeed as the founder of the religion which, free from every dogma, is engraved in all men’s hearts (for it does not have its origin in an arbitrary will), but as the founder of the first true church.
** [[Immanuel Kant]], ''[[w:Religion within the Bounds of Bare Reason|Religion within the Limits of Reason Alone]]'', Book IV, Part 1, Section 1, “The Christian religion as a natural religion,” as translated by Theodore M. Greene

* While [Jesus] was living the day today, how did he manage to protect himself against the enemy that would attack him from the rear, namely the next day – just because he had the eternal with him in his today in a sense totally different from the way any human being has, for that very reason he turned his back on the next day. '''How did he manage?''' Far be it from us presumptuously to try to gain popularity by fathoming what should not be fathomed. We do not believe that he came to the world in order to give us subjects for erudite research. He came into the world to set the task, in order to leave a footprint so that we would learn from him. 
** [[Soren Kierkegaard]], Christian Discourses (Christelige Taler) Apr 26, 1848 Hong translation 1997 P. 76-77  

* What have we learned from this false thing called &quot;revealed religion&quot;? Absolutely nothing that is useful to man, and everything that is dishonorable to God. What does the Bible teach us?—rapine, cruelty, and murder. What does the New Testament teach us?—to believe that God had sex with a woman engaged to be married. The belief in this debauchery is what is called faith.
** [[w:Thomas Paine|Thomas Paine]], ''[[s:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794)

* Every national church or religion has established itself by pretending some special mission from God, communicated to certain individuals. The Jews have their Moses; the Christians their Jesus Christ, their apostles and saints; and the Turks their Mahomet; as if the way to God was not open to every man alike. &lt;br/&gt; Each of those churches shows certain books, which they call ''revelation'', or the Word of God. The Jews say that their Word of God was given by God to Moses face to face; the Christians say, that their Word of God came by divine inspiration; and the Turks say, that their Word of God (the Koran) was brought by an angel from heaven. Each of those churches accuses the other of unbelief; and, for my own part, I disbelieve them all.
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[w:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794) [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Home3/HTML.php?recordID=0548.04]

* Having thus made an insurrection and a battle in heaven, in which none of the combatants could be either killed or wounded — put Satan into the pit — let him out again — given him a triumph over the whole creation — damned all mankind by the eating of an apple, these Christian mythologists bring the two ends of their fable together. They represent this virtuous and amiable man, Jesus Christ, to be at once both God and man, and also the Son of God, celestially begotten, on purpose to be sacrificed, because they say that Eve in her longing had eaten an apple.
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[w:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794) [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Home3/HTML.php?recordID=0548.04]

* If I owe a person money, and cannot pay him, and he threatens to put me in prison, another person can take the debt upon himself, and pay it for me. But if I have committed a crime, every circumstance of the case is changed. Moral justice cannot take the innocent for the guilty even if the innocent would offer itself. To suppose justice to do this, is to destroy the principle of its existence, which is the thing itself. It is then no longer justice. It is indiscriminate revenge.
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[w:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794) [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Home3/HTML.php?recordID=0548.04]

* As to the Christian system of faith, it appears to me as a species of atheism; a sort of religious denial of God. It professes to believe in a man rather than in God. It is a compound made up chiefly of man-ism with but little deism, and is as near to atheism as twilight is to darkness. It introduces between man and his Maker an opaque body, which it calls a redeemer[.]
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[w:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794) [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Home3/HTML.php?recordID=0548.04]

* The most extraordinary of all the things called miracles, related in the New Testament, is that of the devil flying away with Jesus Christ, and carrying him to the top of a high mountain; and to the top of the highest pinnacle of the temple, and showing him and promising to him ''all the kingdoms of the world''. How happened it that he did not discover America? or is it only with ''kingdoms'' that his sooty highness has any interest.
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[w:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794) [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Home3/HTML.php?recordID=0548.04]

* Here then is the whole story, foolish as it is, of this child and this virgin; and it is upon the barefaced perversion of this story that the book of Matthew, and the impudence and sordid interest of priests in later times, have founded a theory, which they call the gospel; and have applied this story to signify the person they call Jesus Christ; begotten, they say, by a ghost, whom they call holy, on the body of a woman, engaged in marriage, and afterwards married, whom they call a virgin, seven hundred years after this foolish story was told; a theory which, speaking for myself, I hesitate not to believe, and to say, is as fabulous and as false as God is true. … &lt;br/&gt; It is not then the existence or the non-existence, of the persons that I trouble myself about; it is the fable of Jesus Christ, as told in the New Testament, and the wild and visionary doctrine raised thereon, against which I contend. The story, taking it as it is told, is blasphemously obscene. It gives an account of a young woman engaged to be married, and while under this engagement, she is, to speak plain language, debauched by a ghost, under the impious pretence, (Luke i. 35,) that &quot;the Holy Ghost shall come upon thee, and the power of the Highest shall overshadow thee.&quot; Notwithstanding which, Joseph afterwards marries her, cohabits with her as his wife, and in his turn rivals the ghost. This is putting the story into intelligible language, and when told in this manner, there is not a priest but must be ashamed to own it
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[w:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794) [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Home3/HTML.php?recordID=0548.04]

* Matthew says, that the angel that was sitting upon the stone on the outside of the sepulchre told the two Marys that Christ was risen, and that the women went ''away'' quickly. Mark says, that the women, upon seeing the stone rolled away, and wondering at it, went ''into'' the sepulchre, and that it was the angel that was ''sitting'' within on the right side, that told them so. Luke says, it was the two angels that were standing up; and John says, it was Jesus Christ himself that told it to Mary Magdalene; and that she did not go into the sepulchre, but only stooped down and looked in. &lt;br/&gt; Now, if the writers of these four books had gone into a court of justice to prove an ''alibi'', (for it is of the nature of an alibi that is here attempted to be proved, namely, the absence of a dead body by supernatural means,) and had they given their evidence in the same contradictory manner as it is here given, they would have been in danger of having their ears cropt for perjury, and would have justly deserved it. Yet this is the evidence, and these are the books, that have been imposed upon the world as being given by divine inspiration, and as the unchangeable word of God.
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[w:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794) [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Home3/HTML.php?recordID=0548.04]

*One could wish no easier death than that of Socrates, calmly discussing philosophy with his friends; one could fear nothing worse than that of Jesus, dying in torment, among the insults, the mockery, the curses of the whole nation. In the midst of these terrible sufferings, Jesus prays for his cruel murderers. Yes, if the life and death of Socrates are those of a philosopher, the life and death of Christ are those of a God.
** [[Jean-Jacques Rousseau]], ''[http://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/5427 Émile: Or, On Education]'' (1762), Book IV

===The Nineteenth Century===
[[File:Ribe domkirke prædikestol.jpg|thumb|A church order with priesthood, theology, cult and sacraments ... everything Jesus of Nazareth fought against. ~ [[Friedrich Nietzsche]]]]
:&lt;small&gt;Alphabetized by author&lt;/small&gt;

* I almost shudder at the thought of alluding to the most fatal example of the abuses of grief which the history of mankind has preserved — the Cross. Consider what calamities that engine of grief has produced!
** [[John Adams]], letter to [[Thomas Jefferson]] (September 3, 1816). Published in ''[http://books.google.com/books?vid=ISBN0807842303&amp;id=SzSWYPOz6M8C&amp;pg=PP1&amp;lpg=PP1&amp;ots=kTAZL3ImRq&amp;dq=%22Adams-Jefferson+letters%22&amp;sig=tVGzBe0XVhXaF2p0FQLGy4GK6bk#PRA2-PR17,M1 Adams-Jefferson Letters: The Complete Correspondence Between Thomas Jefferson and Abigail and John Adams]'' (UNC&amp;nbsp;Press, 1988), p.&amp;nbsp;488

* Jesus! How does the very word overflow with sweetness, and light, and love, and life; filling the air with odors, like precious ointment poured forth; irradiating the mind with a glory of truths on which no fear can live, soothing the wounds of the heart with a balm that turns the sharpest anguish into delicious peace, shedding through the soul a cordial of immortal strength. Jesus! the answer to all our. doubts, the spring of all our courage, the earnest of all our hopes, the charm omnipotent against all our foes, the remedy for all weakness, the supply of all our wants, the fullness of all our desires. Jesus! at the mention of whose name every knee shall bow and every tongue confess. Jesus! our power; Jesus! our righteousness, our sanctification, our redemption — Jesus! our elder brother, our blessed Lord and Redeemer. Thy name is the most transporting theme of the church, as they sing going up from the valley of tears, to their home on the mount of God; Thy name shall ever be the richest chord in the harmony of heaven, while the angels and the redeemed unite their exulting, adoring songs around the throne of God.
** [[George Washington Bethune]], reported in Josiah Hotchkiss Gilbert, ''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895), p. 54.

* The principle of [[brotherhood]] expounded by the agitator of Nazareth preserved the germ of life, of truth and justice, so long as it was the beacon light of [[Minority|the few]]. The moment the [[majority]] seized upon it, that great principle became a shibboleth and harbinger of blood and fire, spreading suffering and disaster.
** [[Emma Goldman]], ''{{w|Anarchism and Other Essays}}, [[:wikisource:Anarchism and Other Essays/2|Minorities Versus Majorities]], 1910, ''Mother Earth Publishing''

* The Man of Galilee, the Carpenter, the workingman who became the revolutionary agitator of his day soon found himself to be an undesirable citizen in the eyes of the ruling knaves and they had him crucified.
** [[Eugene V. Debs]], &quot;[http://www.marxists.org/archive/debs/works/1918/canton.htm The Canton, Ohio Speech, Anti-War Speech]&quot; in ''The Call'' (16 June 1918)

* I want to say to you, about myself, that I am a child of this age, a child of unfaith and scepticism, and probably (indeed I know it) shall remain so to the end of my life. How dreadfully has it tormented me (and torments me even now) this longing for faith, which is all the stronger for the proofs I have against it. And yet God gives me sometimes moments of perfect peace; in such moments I love and believe that I am loved; in such moments I have formulated my creed, wherein all is clear and holy to me. This creed is extremely simple; here it is: I believe that there is nothing lovelier, deeper, more sympathetic, more rational, more manly, and more perfect than the Saviour; I say to myself with jealous love that not only is there no one else like Him, but that there could be no one. I would even say more: '''If anyone could prove to me that [[Christ]] is outside the [[truth]], and if the truth really did exclude Christ, I should prefer to stay with Christ and not with truth.'''
** [[Fyodor Dostoevsky]] Letter To Mme. N. D. Fonvisin (1854), as published in Letters of Fyodor Michailovitch Dostoevsky to his Family and Friends (1914), translated by Ethel Golburn Mayne, Letter XXI, p. 71 [[http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Fyodor_Dostoevsky]]

* The divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity. Nowhere in the Gospels do we find a precept for Creeds, Confessions, Oaths, Doctrines, and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in Christianity.
** [[John Adams]], letter to [[Thomas Jefferson]]. Published in ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=26V5sFshT_4C&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;dq=%22The+Quotable+John+Adams%22#v=onepage&amp;q=&amp;f=false The Quotable John Adams]'' (Globe Pequot, 2008), p.&amp;nbsp;185ff

* Why is it that, next to the birthday of the Savior of the world, your most joyous and most venerated festival returns on this day [the Fourth of July]? Is it not that, in the chain of human events, the birthday of the nation is indissolubly linked with the birthday of the Savior? That it forms a leading event in the progress of the Gospel dispensation? Is it not that the Declaration of Independence first organized the social compact on the foundation of the Redeemer's mission upon earth? That it laid the cornerstone of human government upon the first precepts of Christianity?
** [[John Quincy Adams]] (1837, during a speech at Newburyport, Massachusetts. From: [http://www.eadshome.com/QuotesoftheFounders.htm])

* '''If there ever was an [[Christian anarchism|anarchist]] on Earth the gospel Jesus was one.'''
** Frank S. Billings, ''How Shall the Rich Escape?'' (1894), p. 54

* I know men and I tell you that Jesus Christ is no mere man. Between him and every other person in the world there is no possible term of comparison. [[Alexander the Great|Alexander]], [[Julius Caesar|Caesar]], [[Charlemagne]], and I, founded empires. But on what did we rest the creations of our genius? Upon force. Jesus Christ founded His empire upon love; and at this hour millions of people would die for Him.
** [[Napoleon Bonaparte]]

* My dear children, I am very anxious that you should know something about the History of Jesus Christ. For everybody ought to know about Him. No one ever lived, who was so good, so kind, so gentle, and so sorry for all people who did wrong, or were in any way ill or miserable, as he was. And as He is now in Heaven, where we hope to go, and all to meet each other after we are dead, and there be happy always together, you never can think what a good place Heaven is, without knowing who he was and what he did.
** [[Charles Dickens]], ''The Life of Our Lord'' (1849), Chapter 1, opening paragraph

*He comes silently and unannounced; yet all--how strange--yea, all recognize Him, at once! The population rushes towards Him as if propelled by some irresistible force; it surrounds, throngs, and presses around, it follows Him.... Silently, and with a smile of boundless compassion upon His lips, He crosses the dense crowd, and moves softly on. The Sun of Love burns in His heart, and warm rays of Light, Wisdom and Power beam forth from His eyes, and pour down their waves upon the swarming multitudes of the rabble assembled around, making their hearts vibrate with returning love.
*He pauses at the portal of the old cathedral, just as a wee white coffin is carried in, with tears and great lamentations. The lid is off, and in the coffin lies the body of a fair-child, seven years old... 'He will raise the child to life!' confidently shouts the crowd to the weeping mother. The officiating priest... looks perplexed, and frowns... The procession halts, and the little coffin is gently lowered at his feet. Divine compassion beams forth from His eyes, and as He looks at the child, His lips are heard to whisper once more, 'Talitha Cumi'--and 'straightway the damsel arose.' The child rises in her coffin...and, looking round with large astonished eyes she smiles sweetly...
*A terrible commotion rages among them, the populace shouts and loudly weeps, when suddenly, before the cathedral door, appears the Cardinal Grand Inquisitor himself... He pauses before the crowd and observes. He has seen all. He has witnessed the placing of the little coffin at His feet, the calling back to life. And now, his dark, grim face has grown still darker; his bushy grey eyebrows nearly meet, and his sunken eye flashes with sinister light. Slowly raising his finger, he commands his minions to arrest Him...
*The Grand Inquisitor... addresses Him in these words: &quot;'It is Thou! ... Thou!' ... Receiving no reply, he rapidly continues: 'Nay, answer not; be silent! ... And what couldst Thou say? ... I know but too well Thy answer.... Besides, Thou hast no right to add one syllable to that which was already uttered by Thee before.... Why shouldst Thou now return, to impede us in our work?... But art Thou as well aware of what awaits Thee in the morning?...to-morrow I will condemn and burn Thee on the stake, as the most wicked of all the heretics...
*...his words mean, in short: 'Everything was given over by Thee to the Pope, and everything now rests with him alone; Thou hast no business to return and thus hinder us in our work.' In this sense the Jesuits not only talk but write likewise.
*He [the Grand Inquisitor] seriously regards it as a great service done by himself, his brother monks and Jesuits, to humanity, to have conquered and subjected unto their authority that freedom, and boasts that it was done but for the good of the world... Man is born a rebel, and can rebels be ever happy?... 
*Having disburdened his heart, the Inquisitor waits for some time to hear his prisoner speak in His turn... The old man longs to hear His voice, to hear Him reply; better words of bitterness and scorn than His silence. Suddenly He rises; slowly and silently approaching the Inquisitor, He bends towards him and softly kisses the bloodless, four-score and-ten-year-old lips. That is all the answer.
**[[Feodor Dostoevsky]] in [https://onlinebooks.library.upenn.edu/webbin/gutbook/lookup?num=8578 ''The Grand Inquisitor''], (1879–1880)  

* One sacrifice, however great, is insufficient to pay the debt of sin. The atonement requires constant self-immolation on the sinner’s part. That God’s wrath should be vented upon His beloved Son, is divinely unnatural. Such a theory is man-made. … The material blood of Jesus was no more efficacious to cleanse from sin when it was shed upon ‘the accursed tree,’ than when it was flowing in his veins as he went daily about his Father’s business. … His disciples believed Jesus to be dead while he was hidden in the sepulchre, whereas he was alive[.]
** [[Mary Baker Eddy]] (1867), Founder of the [[w:Church of Christ, Scientist|Church of Christ, Scientist]], ''[[w:Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures|Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures]]'', pp. 23:3–6, 25:6–8, 44:28–29

* It is plain that God does not employ drugs or hygiene, nor provide them for human use; else Jesus would have recommended and employed them in his healing. The sick are more deplorably lost than the sinning, if the sick cannot rely on God for help and the sinning can. … The universal belief in physics weighs against the high and mighty truths of Christian metaphysics. This erroneous general belief, which sustains medicine and produces all medical results, works against Christian Science[.] … If we would heal by the Spirit, we must not hide the talent of spiritual healing under the napkin of its form. … The tender word and Christian encouragement of an invalid, pitiful patience with his fears and the removal of them, are better than hecatombs of gushing theories, stereotyped borrowed speeches, and the doling of arguments, which are but so many parodies on legitimate Christian Science, aflame with divine Love.
** [[Mary Baker Eddy]] (1867), Founder of the [[w:Church of Christ, Scientist|Church of Christ, Scientist]] on the denial of drugs, hygiene, and medicine to the sick and their replacement by spiritual healing, ''[[w:Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures|Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures]]'', pp. 143:5, 155:15

* The theory of three person in one God (that is, a personal Trinity or Tri-unity) suggests polytheism, rather than the one ever-present I AM. … Jesus Christ is not God, as Jesus himself declared, but is the Son of God.
** [[Mary Baker Eddy]] (1867), Founder of the [[w:Church of Christ, Scientist|Church of Christ, Scientist]], ''[[w:Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures|Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures]]'', pp. 256:9–11, 361:11–13

* '''Christ saw much in this world to weep over, and much to pray over: but he saw nothing in it to look upon with contempt.'''
** [[Edwin Hubbell Chapin]] as quoted in ''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895) by Josiah Hotchkiss Gilbert, p. 160

*As to Jesus of Nazareth, my Opinion of whom you particularly desire, I think the System of Morals and his Religion, as he left them to us, the best the world ever saw or is likely to see; but I apprehend it has received various corrupt changes...
**[[Benjamin Franklin]], quoted in ''Benjamin Franklin: An Exploration of a Life of Science and Service'' (1938) by [[Carl Van Doren]], p. 777.

* '''The spirit of contempt is the true spirit of Antichrist; for no other is more directly opposed to Christ.'''
** [[Henry Giles]], as quoted in ''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895) by Josiah Hotchkiss Gilbert, p. 160

* '''[[w:Christ|Christ]] plays in ten thousand places, &lt;br /&gt; Lovely in limbs, and lovely in eyes not his &lt;br /&gt; To the Father through the features of men's faces.'''
** [[Gerard Manley Hopkins]], in [http://www.embodiment-of-freedom.com/persfree/hopkins.html &quot;As Kingfishers Catch Fire, Dragonflies Draw Flame&quot;] (undated poem, ''c''. March–April 1877)

* He saw his followers using the instruments of pain. He heard the groans — saw the faces white with agony. He heard the shrieks and sobs and cries of all the moaning, martyred multitudes. He knew that commentaries would be written on his words with swords, to be read by the light of fagots. He knew that the Inquisition would be born of the teachings attributed to him.&lt;p&gt;He saw the interpolations and falsehoods that hypocrisy would write and tell. He saw all wars that would be waged, and he knew that above these fields of death, these dungeons, these rackings, these burnings, these executions, for a thousand years would float the dripping banner of the cross.&lt;p&gt;He knew that hypocrisy would be robed and crowned — that cruelty and credulity would rule the world; knew that liberty would perish from the earth; knew that popes and kings in his name would enslave the souls and bodies of men; knew that they would persecute and destroy the discoverers, thinkers and inventors; knew that his church would extinguish reason's holy light and leave the world without a star.&lt;p&gt;He saw his disciples extinguishing the eyes of men, flaying them alive, cutting out their tongues, searching for all the nerves of pain.&lt;p&gt;He knew that in his name his followers would trade in human flesh; that cradles would be robbed and women's breasts unbabed for gold.&lt;p&gt;And yet he died with voiceless lips.
** [[Robert Green Ingersoll]], ''About the Holy Bible'' (1894)
** More concisely put in ''A Christmas Sermon'': '''If Christ was in fact God, he knew the persecutions that would be carried on in his name; he knew the millions that would suffer death through torture; and yet he died without saying one word to prevent what he must have known, if he were God, would happen.'''

* '''His parentage was obscure; his condition poor; his education null; his natural endowments great; his life correct and innocent: he was meek, benevolent, patient, firm, disinterested, &amp; of the sublimest eloquence.''' &lt;br /&gt; The disadvantages under which his doctrines appear are remarkable. &lt;br /&gt; 1. Like [[Socrates]] &amp; [[Epictetus]], he wrote nothing himself. &lt;br /&gt; 2. But he had not, like them, a [[w:Xenophon|Xenophon]] or an [[w:Arrian|Arrian]] to write for him. On the contrary, all the learned of his country, entrenched in its power and riches, were opposed to him, lest his labors should undermine their advantages; and the committing to writing his life &amp; doctrines fell on the most unlettered &amp; ignorant men; who wrote, too, from memory, &amp; not till long after the transactions had passed. &lt;br /&gt; 3. According to the ordinary fate of those who attempt to enlighten and reform mankind, he fell an early victim to the jealousy &amp; combination of the altar and the throne, at about 33. years of age, his reason having not yet attained the maximum of its energy, nor the course of his preaching, which was but of 3. years at most, presented occasions for developing a complete system of morals. &lt;br /&gt; 4. Hence the doctrines which he really delivered were defective as a whole, and fragments only of what he did deliver have come to us mutilated, misstated, &amp; often unintelligible. &lt;br /&gt; 5. They have been still more disfigured by the corruptions of schismatising followers, who have found an interest in sophisticating &amp; perverting the simple doctrines he taught by engrafting on them the mysticisms of a Grecian sophist, frittering them into subtleties, &amp; obscuring them with jargon, until they have caused good men to reject the whole in disgust, &amp; to view Jesus himself as an impostor. &lt;br /&gt; Notwithstanding these disadvantages, a system of morals is presented to us, which, if filled up in the true style and spirit of the rich fragments he left us, would be the most perfect and sublime that has ever been taught by man. &lt;br /&gt; The question of his being a member of the Godhead, or in direct communication with it, claimed for him by some of his followers, and denied by others, is foreign to the present view, which is merely an estimate of the intrinsic merit of his doctrines. &lt;br /&gt; 1. He corrected the Deism of the Jews, confirming them in their belief of one only God, and giving them juster notions of his attributes and government. &lt;br /&gt; 2. His moral doctrines, relating to kindred &amp; friends, were more pure &amp; perfect than those of the most correct of the philosophers, and greatly more so than those of the Jews; and they went far beyond both in inculcating universal philanthropy, not only to kindred and friends, to neighbors and countrymen, but to all mankind, gathering all into one family, under the bonds of love, charity, peace, common wants and common aids. A development of this head will evince the peculiar superiority of the system of Jesus over all others. &lt;br /&gt; 3. The precepts of philosophy, &amp; of the Hebrew code, laid hold of actions only. He pushed his scrutinies into the heart of man; erected his tribunal in the region of his thoughts, and purified the waters at the fountain head. &lt;br /&gt; 4. He taught, emphatically, the doctrines of a future state, which was either doubted, or disbelieved by the Jews; and wielded it with efficacy, as an important incentive, supplementary to the other motives to moral conduct.
**[[Thomas Jefferson]], '[http://www.positiveatheism.org/hist/jeff1122.htm &quot;Syllabus of an Estimate of the Merit of the Doctrines of jesus, Compared with Those of Others&quot; in a letter to Benjamin Rush (12 April 1803)]. Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-09_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;9 ''Works'' Vol. 9 (PDF)], pp.&amp;nbsp;462.

* The Christian priesthood, finding the doctrines of Christ levelled to every understanding, and too plain to need explanation, saw in the mysticism of Plato, materials with which they might build up an artificial system, which might, from its indistinctness, admit everlasting controversy, give employment for their order, and introduce it to profit, power and pre-eminence. The doctrines which flowed from the lips of Jesus himself are within the comprehension of a child ; but thousands of volumes have not yet explained the Platonisms engrafted on them; and for this obvious reason, that nonsense can never be explained.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], letter to [[w:John Adams|John Adams]] (July 5, 1814). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-11_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;11], pp.&amp;nbsp;397–398.

* 48: And about the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, saying, '''''Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?''''' that is to say, '''My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?'''
:49: Some of them that stood there, when they heard that, said, This man calleth for Elias.
:50: And straightway one of them ran, and took a spunge, and filled it with vinegar, and put it on a reed, and gave him to drink.
:51: The rest said, Let be, let us see whether Elias will come to save him.
:52: Jesus, when he had cried again with a loud voice, yielded up the ghost.
:53: And many women were there beholding afar off, which followed Jesus from Galilee, ministering unto him:
:54: Among which was Mary Magdalene, and Mary the mother of James and Joses, and the mother of Zebedee's children.
:55: The Jews therefore, because it was the preparation, that the bodies should not remain upon the cross on the sabbath day, (for that sabbath day was an high day,) besought Pilate that their legs might be broken, and that they might be taken away.
:56: Then came the soldiers, and brake the legs of the first, and of the other which was crucified with him.
:57: But when they came to Jesus, and saw that he was dead already, they brake not his legs:
:58: But one of the soldiers with a spear pierced his side, and forthwith came there out blood and water.
:59: And after this Joseph of Arimathaea, being a disciple of Jesus, but secretly for fear of the Jews, besought Pilate that he might take away the body of Jesus: and Pilate gave him leave. He came therefore, and took the body of Jesus.
:60: And there came also Nicodemus, which at the first came to Jesus by night, and brought a mixture of myrrh and aloes, about an hundred pound weight.
:61: Then took they the body of Jesus, and wound it in linen clothes with the spices, as the manner of the Jews is to bury.
:62: Now in the place where he was crucified there was a garden; and in the garden a new sepulchre, wherein was never man yet laid.
:63: There laid they Jesus,
:64: And rolled a great stone to the door of the sepulchre, and departed.
:* [[Thomas Jefferson]], The &quot;[[w:Jefferson Bible|Jefferson Bible]]&quot; (''[http://etext.lib.virginia.edu/etcbin/toccer-new2?id=JefJesu.sgm&amp;images=images/modeng&amp;data=/texts/english/modeng/parsed&amp;tag=public&amp;part=all The Life and Morals of Jesus of Nazareth]'') on the crucifixion, death, and burial of Jesus, which omits all Biblical passages asserting Jesus' virgin birth, miracles, divinity, and resurrection.

* The priests have so disfigured the simple religion of Jesus that no one who reads the sophistications they have engrafted on it, from the jargon of [[Plato]], of [[Aristotle]] &amp; other mystics, would conceive these could have been fathered on the sublime preacher of the sermon on the mount.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], Letter to [[w:Benjamin Waterhouse|Benjamin Waterhouse]] (October 13, 1815). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-11_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;11], p.&amp;nbsp;492

* I, too, have made a wee-little book from the same materials, which I call the Philosophy of Jesus; it is a paradigma of his doctrines, made by cutting the texts out of the book, and arranging them on the pages of d blank book, in a certain order of time or subject. A more beautiful or precious morsel of ethics I have never seen; it is a document in proof that I am a real Christian, that is to say, a disciple of the doctrines of Jesus, very different from the Platonists, who call me infidel and themselves Christians and preachers of the gospel, while they draw all their characteristic dogmas from what its author never said nor saw. They have compounded from the heathen mysteries a system beyond the comprehension of man, of which the great reformer of the vicious ethics and deism of the Jews, were he to return on earth, would not recognize one feature.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], Letter to [[w:Charles Thomson|Charles Thomson]] (January 9, 1816), on his ''[http://etext.lib.virginia.edu/etcbin/toccer-new2?id=JefJesu.sgm&amp;images=images/modeng&amp;data=/texts/english/modeng/parsed&amp;tag=public&amp;part=all The Life and Morals of Jesus of Nazareth]'' (the &quot;[[w:Jefferson Bible|Jefferson Bible]]&quot;), which omits all Biblical passages asserting Jesus' virgin birth, miracles, divinity, and resurrection. Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-11_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;11], pp.&amp;nbsp;498–499

* The Pennsylvania legislature, who, on a proposition to make the belief in God a necessary qualification for office, rejected it by a great majority, although assuredly there was not a single atheist in their body. And you remember to have heard, that when the act for religious freedom was before the Virginia Assembly, a motion to insert the name of Jesus Christ before the phrase, &quot;the author of our holy religion,&quot; which stood in the bill, was rejected, although that was the creed of a great majority of them.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], Letter to [[w:Albert Gallatin|Albert Gallatin]] (June 16, 1817). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-12_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;12], p.&amp;nbsp;73

* But the greatest of all the reformers of the depraved religion of his own country, was Jesus of Nazareth. '''Abstracting what is really his from the rubbish in which it is buried, easily distinguished by its lustre from the dross of his biographers, and as separable from that as the diamond from the dunghill, we have the outlines of a system of the most sublime morality which has ever fallen from the lips of man; outlines which it is lamentable he did not live to fill up.''' [[Epictetus]] and [[Epicurus]] give laws for governing ourselves, Jesus a supplement of the duties and charities we owe to others. '''The establishment of the innocent and genuine character of this benevolent moralist, and the rescuing it from the imputation of imposture, which has resulted from artificial systems,* invented by ultra-Christian sects, unauthorized by a single word ever uttered by him, is a most desirable object''', and one to which [[Joseph Priestley|Priestley]] has successfully devoted his labors and learning. It would in time, it is to be hoped, effect a quiet euthanasia of the heresies of bigotry and fanaticism which have so long triumphed over human reason, and so generally and deeply afflicted mankind; but this work is to be begun by winnowing the grain from the chaff of the historians of his life. I have sometimes thought of translating Epictetus (for he has never been tolerable translated into English) by adding the genuine doctrines of Epicurus from the Syntagma of Gassendi, and an abstract from the Evangelists of whatever has the stamp of the eloquence and fine imagination of Jesus. The last I attempted too hastily some twelve or fifteen years ago. It was the work of two or three nights only, at Washington, after getting through the evening task of reading the letters and papers of the day. But with one foot in the grave, these are now idle projects for me. My business is to beguile the wearisomeness of declining life, as I endeavor to do, by the delights of classical reading and of mathematical truths, and by the consolations of a sound philosophy, equally indifferent to hope and fear.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], Letter to William Short, October 31, 1819. Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-12_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;12], pp.&amp;nbsp;141–142.
*** Jefferson's footnote on &quot;artificial systems&quot; for this passage: '''*''' ''e.g.'' The immaculate conception of Jesus, his deification, the creation of the world by him, his miraculous powers, his resurrection and visible ascension, his corporeal presence in the Eucharist, the Trinity; original sin, atonement, regeneration, election, orders of Hierarchy, etc. — T.J.

* '''My aim in that was, to justify the character of Jesus against the fictions of his pseudo-followers, which have exposed him to the inference of being an impostor.''' For if we could believe that he really countenanced the follies, the falsehoods and the charlatanisms which his biographers father on him, and admit the misconstructions, interpolations and theorizations of the fathers of the early, and fanatics of the latter ages, the conclusion would be irresistible by every sound mind, that he was an impostor. I give no credit to their falsifications of his actions and doctrines, and to rescue his character, the postulate in my letter asked only what is granted in reading every other historian. When [[Livy]] and [[w:Diodorus Siculus|Siculus]], for example, tell us things which coincide with our experience of the order of nature, we credit them on their word, and place their narrations among the records of credible history. But when they tell us of calves speaking, of statues sweating blood, and other things against the course of nature, we reject these as fables not belonging to history. … '''I say, that this free exercise of reason is all I ask for the vindication of the character of Jesus.''' We find in the writings of his biographers matter of two distinct descriptions. First, a groundwork of vulgar ignorance, of things impossible, of superstitions, fanaticisms and fabrications. Intermixed with these, again, are sublime ideas of the Supreme Being, aphorisms and precepts of the purest morality and benevolence, sanctioned by a life of humility, innocence and simplicity of manners, neglect of riches, absence of worldly ambition and honors, with an eloquence and persuasiveness which have not been surpassed. '''These could not be inventions of the groveling authors who relate them. They are far beyond the powers of their feeble minds. They shew that there was a character, the subject of their history, whose splendid conceptions were above all suspicion of being interpolations from their hands.''' Can we be at a loss in separating such materials, and ascribing each to its genuine author? The difference is obvious to the eye and to the understanding, and we may read as we run to each his part; and I will venture to affirm, that he who, as I have done, will undertake to winnow this grain from its chaff, will find it not to require a moment's consideration. The parts fall asunder of themselves, as would those of an image of metal and clay. … '''There are, I acknowledge, passages not free from objection, which we may, with probability, ascribe to Jesus himself; but claiming indulgence from the circumstances under which he acted.''' His object was the reformation of some articles in the religion of the Jews, as taught by [[Moses]]. That sect had presented for the object of their worship, a being of terrific character, cruel, vindictive, capricious and unjust. Jesus, taking for his type the best qualities of the human head and heart, wisdom, justice, goodness, and adding to them power, ascribed all of these, but in infinite perfection, to the Supreme Being, and formed him really worthy of their adoration. Moses had either not believed in a future state of existence, or had not thought it essential to be explicitly taught to his people. Jesus inculcated that doctrine with emphasis and precision. Moses had bound the Jews to many idle ceremonies, mummeries and observances, of no effect towards producing the social utilities which constitute the essence of virtue; Jesus exposed their futility and insignificance. The one instilled into his people the most anti-social spirit towards other nations; the other preached philanthropy and universal charity and benevolence. The office of reformer of the superstitions of a nation, is ever dangerous. Jesus had to walk on the perilous confines of reason and religion: and a step to right or left might place him within the gripe of the priests of the superstition, a blood thirsty race, as cruel and remorseless as the being whom they represented as the family God of Abraham, of Isaac and of Jacob, and the local God of Israel. They were constantly laying snares, too, to entangle him in the web of the law. He was justifiable, therefore, in avoiding these by evasions, by sophisms, by misconstructions and misapplications of scraps of the prophets, and in defending himself with these their own weapons, as sufficient, ad homines, at least. '''That Jesus did not mean to impose himself on mankind as the son of God, physically speaking, I have been convinced by the writings of men more learned than myself in that lore. But that he might conscientiously believe himself inspired from above, is very possible.'''
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], Letter to William Short, August 4, 1820, on his reason for compiling the ''Syllabus of an Estimate of the Merit of the Doctrines of Jesus''. Published in ''Thomas Jefferson: Writings'', Merrill D. Peterson, ed., New York: Library of America, 1994, pp.&amp;nbsp;1435–1440 [http://www.stephenjaygould.org/ctrl/jefferson_jesus.html]

* '''The doctrines of Jesus are simple, and tend all to the happiness of man.'''
::1. That there is one only God, and he all perfect.
::2, That there is a future state of rewards and punishments.
::3. That to love God with all thy heart and thy neighbor as thyself, is the sum of religion.
:These are the great points on which he endeavored to reform the religion of the Jews. But compare with these the demoralizing dogmas of [[John Calvin|Calvin]].
::1. That there are three Gods.
::2. That good works, or the love of our neighbor, are nothing.
::3. That faith is every thing, and the more incomprehensible the proposition, the more merit in its faith.
::4. That reason in religion is of unlawful use.
::5. That God, from the beginning, elected certain individuals to be saved, and certain others to be damned; and that no crimes of the former can damn them; no virtues of the latter save.
:Now, which of these is the true and charitable Christian? He who believes and acts on the simple doctrines of Jesus? Or the impious dogmatists, as [[w:Athanasius|Athanasius]] and Calvin? Verily I say these are the false shepherds foretold as to enter not by the door into the sheepfold, but to climb up some other way. They are mere usurpers of the Christian name, teaching a counter-religion made up of the deliria of crazy imaginations, as foreign from Christianity as is that of [[Muhammad|Mahomet]]. '''Their blasphemies have driven thinking men into infidelity, who have too hastily rejected the supposed author himself, with the horrors so falsely imputed to him. Had the doctrines of Jesus been preached always as pure as they came from his lips, the whole civilized world would now have been Christian.''' I rejoice that in this blessed country of free inquiry and belief, which has surrendered its creed and conscience to neither kings nor priests, the genuine doctrine of one only God is reviving, and I trust that there is not a young man now living in the United States who will not die an [[w:Unitarianism|Unitarian]].'''
:* [[Thomas Jefferson]], letter to [[w:Benjamin Waterhouse|Benjamin Waterhouse]], (June 26, 1822). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-12_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;12], pp.&amp;nbsp;241–243

* '''The truth is, that the greatest enemies of the doctrine of Jesus are those, calling themselves the expositors of them, who have perverted them to the structure of a system of fancy absolutely incomprehensible, and without any foundation in his genuine words.''' And the day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the supreme being as his father in the womb of a virgin will be classed with the fable of the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter... But may we hope that the dawn of reason and freedom of thought in these United States will do away with this artificial scaffolding, and restore to us the primitive and genuine doctrines of this most venerated reformer of human errors.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], letter to [[John Adams]] (11 April 1823) [http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2005/02/04/opinion/main671823.shtml]

* '''Over the years, alas, it has happened again and again, and the repetition continues, that someone goes ahead, someone for whom another person longs, whom he wishes to follow, but never has any human being, never has any loved one, never has any teacher, never has any friend gone ahead-in order to prepare a place for the one following. Just as the name of Christ is the one and only name in heaven and on earth, so also is Christ the one and only predecessor who has gone ahead in this way. Between heaven and earth there is only one road: to follow Christ. In time and eternity there is only one choice, one single choice: to choose this road. There is only one eternal hope on this earth: to follow Christ into heaven. There is one blessed joy in this life: to follow Christ; in death there is one final blessed joy-to follow Christ to life!''' 
** [[Søren Kierkegaard]] ''Upbuilding Discourses in Various Spirits'' 1847, Hong 1993 p. 229

* '''Christ said: Whoever denies me before people I also will deny before my heavenly Father-even if it were not so, it would still follow solely of itself, follow from the inner urge in the Christian that he would do this. On the other hand, although the confession is commanded and enjoined with the full emphasis of eternity, if the confession is not the consequence of that inner urge, then a confession of that kind is not what is required. Therefore, if someone could presumptuously want to delude himself into thinking that the most sagacious thing, because after all it is required, the most sagacious thing, in view of eternity’s judgment, would be to confess Christ: then such a person does not only not confess Christ but blasphemously distorts him, as if Christ were a vain power seeker who craved a great name in the world. No, that was not why Christ required the confession, and that is not the way he required it. On the contrary, he actually required that his followers have such inwardness that confession follows of itself-when it is required.''' The same inwardness can also be silent and just as pleasing to God, but this same true inwardness surely cannot be silent-when confession is required. Indeed, how could a person’s faith be strong enough to believe unto salvation, strong and disregardful enough in this way (alas, this may be just about the most difficult kind of disregard, to pay no attention to one’s own fantasies about merit or to the mitigating inventions of one’s passions or to the horrifying images of terrified imagination in the consciousness of guilt, but without this disregard one cannot have faith unto salvation) if a person does not have a faith strong and disregardful enough to dare to confess-'''if''' it is required. 
** [[Soren Kierkegaard]] ''Upbuilding Discourses in Various Spirits'' 1847, Hong 1993 p. 321-322

* For God has other Words for other worlds, &lt;br /&gt; But for this world the Word of God is Christ.
** [[w:Harriet King (poet)|Harriet King]], ''The Disciples'' (1873), Ugo Bassi, III (&quot;The Sermon in the Hospital&quot;)

* I know there is a God, and that He hates injustice and slavery. I see the storm coming, and I know that His hand is in it. If He has a place and work for me–and I think He has–I believe I am ready. I am nothing, but truth is everything. I know I am right because I know that liberty is right, for Christ teaches it, and Christ is God. I have told them that a house divided against itself cannot stand, and Christ and reason say the same; and they will find it so. Douglas doesn't care whether slavery is voted up or voted down, but God cares, and humanity cares, and I care; and with God’s help I shall not fail. I may not see the end; but it will come and I shall be vindicated; and these men will find that they have not read their Bibles aright.
:* [[Abraham Lincoln]] anecdote registered by novelist Josiah Gilbert Holland, in his Life of Abraham Lincoln (1866), Chapter XVI, p. 287. University of Nebraska Press, as something that Lincoln said in a conversation with educator Newman Bateman, in the Autumn of 1860.

[[File:Square1.jpg|thumb|All sorrow, labor, suffering, I, tallying it, absorb in myself, &lt;br /&gt; Many times have I been rejected, taunted, put in prison, and crucified, and many times shall be again.. .~ [[Walt Whitman]] in [[Leaves_of_Grass#Chanting_the_Square_Deific|''Leaves of Grass'', &quot;Chanting the Square Deific&quot;]]'' ]]
[[File:Cristo Redentor - Rio.jpg|thumb|My charity has no death — my wisdom dies not, neither early nor late, and my sweet love bequeath'd here and elsewhere never dies. ~ [[Walt Whitman]] in [[Leaves_of_Grass#Chanting_the_Square_Deific|''Leaves of Grass'', &quot;Chanting the Square Deific&quot;]]'' ]]
[[File:William-Adolphe Bouguereau (1825-1905) - Compassion (1897).jpg|thumb|My spirit to yours dear brother, Do not mind because many sounding your name do not understand you, I do not sound your name, but I understand you... ~ [[Walt Whitman]] in [[Leaves_of_Grass#To_Him_That_Was_Crucified_.281860.3B_1881.29|''Leaves of Grass'', &quot;To Him That Was Crucified&quot;]] ]]
* There is truth in Jesus which is terrible, as well as truth that is soothing'''; terrible, for He shall be Judge as well as Saviour; and ye cannot face Him, ye cannot stand before Him, unless ye now give ear to His invitation.
** [[Henry Melvill]], as quoted in ''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895) by Josiah Hotchkiss Gilbert

* '''The Bible tells me explicitly that [[w:Christ|Christ]] was God; and it tells me, as explicitly that Christ was man. It does not go on to state the modus or manner of the union.''' I stop, therefore, where the Bible stops. I bow before a God-man as my Mediator, but I own as inscrutable the mysteries of His person.
** [[Henry Melvill]], as quoted in ''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895) by Josiah Hotchkiss Gilbert

* '''The Author of the Sermon on the Mount is assuredly a far more benign being than the Author of Nature.''' But unfortunately, the believer in the Christian revelation is required to believe that the same being is the author of both! If he doesn’t resolutely avert his mind from this subject or practise the act of quieting his conscience by sophistry, he will be involved in endless moral perplexities, because the ways of his Deity in Nature are often totally at variance with what he thinks to be the commands of that same Deity in the Gospel. Those who suffer the least moral damage from this tangle are probably those who never try to reconcile the two standards — ''the one set by Nature, and the one set by Jesus in the Gospels'' — with one another, but admits to himself that the purposes of Providence are mysterious, that its ways are not our ways, that its justice and goodness are not the justice and goodness that we can understand and that it is fitting for us to practise. When this is how the believer feels, however, the worship of God stops being the adoration of abstract moral perfection. It becomes a matter of the bowing down to a gigantic image of something not fit for us to imitate. It is the worship of pure power. &lt;br /&gt; '''I say nothing of the moral difficulties and perversions involved in revelation itself; though even in the Christianity of the Gospels, at least in its ordinary interpretation, there are some that are so flagrant that they almost outweigh all the beauty and benignity and moral greatness that so clearly distinguish the sayings and character of Christ.''' For example, thinking &quot;This is the object of highest worship!&quot; of a being who could make a Hell and create countless generations of human beings with the certain foreknowledge that he was creating them to be sent to Hell. '''Is there any moral atrocity that couldn’t be justified by the imitation of such a Deity? And could we possibly adore such a being without frightfully distorting the standard of right and wrong? Any other of the outrages to the most ordinary justice and humanity involved in the common Christian idea of God’s moral character sinks into insignificance beside this dreadful ''Hell-focused'' idealization of wickedness.'''
** [[John Stuart Mill]], ''[http://www.earlymoderntexts.com/milless.html The Usefulness of Religion]'' (1874)

* ''Wir haben also als Missverständnis: … eine kirchliche Ordnung, mit Priesterschaft, Theologie, Cultus, Sakramenten; kurz, alles das, was Jesus von Nazareth bekämpft hatte.'' (Original: German)
** We therefore have a misunderstanding: ... a church order with priesthood, theology, cult and sacraments; shortly, everything Jesus of Nazareth fought against.
** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], Nachlass, KSA 13: 11[295].

* '''Jesus Christ raised women above the condition of mere slaves, mere ministers to the passions of the man, raised them by His sympathy, to be Ministers of God.'''
** [[Florence Nightingale]], in ''Cassandra'' (1860)

* People talk about imitating Christ, and imitate Him in the little trifling formal things, such as washing the feet, saying His prayer, and so on; but '''if anyone attempts the real imitation of Him, there are no bounds to the outcry with which the presumption of that person is condemned.'''
** [[Florence Nightingale]], in ''Cassandra'' (1860)

* '''The Church is now more like the Scribes and Pharisees than like Christ... What are now called the &quot;essential doctrines&quot; of the Christian religion he does not even mention.'''
** [[Florence Nightingale]], as quoted in The Life of Florence Nightingale (1913) by Edward Tyas Cook, p. 392

* In his last moments he cries out, &quot;My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me!&quot; What conclusion is it natural to draw from this distressing exclamation? It appears to be this, that on the part of Jesus Christ, there was a virtual renunciation of his confidence in the Creator; and on the supposition that there was originally a concerted plan of execution well understood by both the parties, the fulfilment of it seems here to have been relinquished, and the beneficial effects annihilated. On the part of Jesus, it is saying, &quot;I have been deceived in this undertaking. I did not expect that I should have been forsaken in this hour of my greatest distress; but I rested with confidence on eternal wisdom, for a timely escape from this wretched misfortune.&quot; On the part of the Father, there is a want of attention and support in this trying hour. He forsakes his beloved Son; he gives him up to the murderous fury of vindictive enemies; and neither the one nor the other of the parties exhibits that spirit of fortitude and constancy which might justly have been expected on so interesting an occasion. The reflecting mind concludes, therefore, that the whole is but a fiction, and that no such stipulation ever took place between the man Jesus Christ, and the Creator of the world.
** [[w:Elihu Palmer|Elihu Palmer]], ''[[s:Principles of nature; or, a development of the morals causes of happiness and misery among the human species|Principles of nature; or, a development of the morals causes of happiness and misery among the human species]]'' (1801)

* He declared that in the present world evil is the reigning power. Satan is &quot;the prince of this world,&quot; and everything obeys him. The kings kill the prophets. The priests and the doctors do not that which they command others to do; the righteous are persecuted, and the only portion of the good is weeping. The &quot;world&quot; is in this manner the enemy of God and his saints; but God will awaken and avenge his saints. The day is at hand, for the abomination is at its height. The reign of goodness will have its turn. &lt;br /&gt; The advent of this reign of goodness will be a great and sudden revolution. The world will seem to be turned upside down: the actual state being bad, in order to represent the future, it suffices to conceive nearly the reverse of that which exists. The first shall be last. A new order shall govern humanity. &lt;br /&gt; '''Jesus, in some respects, was an [[Christian anarchism|anarchist]], for he had no idea of civil government. That government seems to him purely and simply an abuse.''' &lt;br /&gt; A great social revolution, in which rank will be overturned, in which all authority in this world will be humiliated, was his dream.
** [[Ernest Renan]], in ''The Life of Jesus'' (1863), [[s:Life_of_Jesus/Chapter_7|Ch. XII: Development of the ideas of Jesus respecting the Kingdom of God]]

*For, if Christ be simply an ideal picture, the man who sketched it will be as difficult to account for as the Being himself.
**George Sexton, a leading 19th century skeptic who converted to orthodox Christianity. [http://www.christianitytoday.com/history/newsletter/2005/may20.html Victorian Skeptics on the Road to Damascus]

* '''Must then a Christ perish in torment in every age to save those that have no imagination?'''
** [[George Bernard Shaw]], in ''Saint Joan : A Chronicle Play In Six Scenes And An Epilogue'' (1923)

* No sooner had Jesus knocked over the dragon of superstition than [[Paul of Tarsus|Paul]] boldly set it on its legs again in the name of Jesus.
** [[George Bernard Shaw]], ''Androcles and the Lion'' (1913)

* '''If Christ were here now there is one thing he would not be — a Christian.'''
** [[Mark Twain]], ''Notebook''

* '''I am an historian, I am not a believer, but I must confess as a historian that this penniless preacher from Nazareth is irrevocably the very center of history.''' Jesus Christ is easily the most dominant figure in all history.
** [[H.G. Wells]], British author (1866–1946) (from: [http://jmm.aaa.net.au/articles/13353.htm])

* '''Consolator most mild, the promis'd one advancing, &lt;br /&gt; With gentle hand extended, the mightier God am I, &lt;br /&gt; Foretold by prophets and poets in their most rapt prophecies and poems, &lt;br /&gt; From this side, lo! the [[Jesus|Lord]] [[w:Christ|Christ]] gazes''' — lo! [[w:Hermes|Hermes]] I — lo! mine is [[w:Hercules|Hercules]]' face, &lt;br /&gt; '''All sorrow, labor, suffering, I, tallying it, absorb in myself, &lt;br /&gt; Many times have I been rejected, taunted, put in prison, and crucified, and many times shall be again''', &lt;br /&gt; All the world have I given up for my dear brothers' and sisters' sake, for the soul's sake, &lt;br /&gt; Wending my way through the homes of men, rich or poor, with the kiss of affection, &lt;br /&gt; For I am affection, I am the cheer-bringing God, with hope and all-enclosing charity, &lt;br /&gt; With indulgent words as to children, with fresh and sane words, mine only, &lt;br /&gt; '''Young and strong I pass knowing well I am destin'd myself to an early death; &lt;br /&gt; But my charity has no death — my wisdom dies not, neither early nor late, &lt;br /&gt; And my sweet love bequeath'd here and elsewhere never dies.'''
** [[Walt Whitman]] in [[Leaves_of_Grass#Chanting_the_Square_Deific|''Leaves of Grass'', &quot;Chanting the Square Deific&quot;]]'' ]]

*''' My spirit to yours dear brother, &lt;br /&gt; Do not mind because many sounding your name do not understand you, &lt;br /&gt; I do not sound your name, but I understand you,''' &lt;br /&gt; I specify you with joy O my comrade to salute you, and to salute those who are with you, before and since, and those to come also, &lt;br /&gt; That '''we all labor together transmitting the same charge and succession, &lt;br /&gt; We few equals indifferent of lands, indifferent of times, &lt;br /&gt; We, enclosers of all continents, all castes, allowers of all theologies,''' &lt;br /&gt; Compassionaters, perceivers, rapport of men, &lt;br /&gt; '''We walk silent among disputes and assertions, but reject not the disputers nor any thing that is asserted, &lt;br /&gt; We hear the bawling and din, we are reach'd at by divisions, jealousies, recriminations on every side, &lt;br /&gt; They close peremptorily upon us to surround us, my comrade, &lt;br /&gt; Yet we walk unheld, free, the whole earth over, journeying up and down till we make our ineffaceable mark upon time and the diverse eras, &lt;br /&gt; Till we saturate time and eras, that the men and women of races, ages to come, may prove brethren and lovers as we are.'''
** [[Walt Whitman]] in [[Leaves_of_Grass#To_Him_That_Was_Crucified_.281860.3B_1881.29|''Leaves of Grass'', &quot;To Him That Was Crucified&quot;]] (1860; 1881)

* When Jesus talks about the poor he simply means personalities, just as when he talks about the rich he simply means people who have not developed their personalities. Jesus moved in a community that allowed the accumulation of private property just as ours does, and the gospel that he preached was not that in such a community it is an advantage for a man to live on scanty, unwholesome food, to wear ragged, unwholesome clothes, to sleep in horrid, unwholesome dwellings, and a disadvantage for a man to live under healthy, pleasant, and decent conditions. Such a view would have been wrong. ... What Jesus meant, was this. He said to man, ‘You have a wonderful personality. Develop it. Be yourself. Don’t imagine that your perfection lies in accumulating or possessing external things. Your perfection is inside of you. If only you could realise that, you would not want to be rich. Ordinary riches can be stolen from a man. Real riches cannot. In the treasury-house of your soul, there are infinitely precious things, that may not be taken from you. And so, try to so shape your life that external things will not harm you. And try also to get rid of [[personal property]]. It involves sordid preoccupation, endless industry, continual wrong. Personal property hinders Individualism at every step.’
** [[Oscar Wilde]], ''The Soul of Man Under Socialism'', ¶ 22

=== The Book of Mormon and LDS Scripture ===
:&lt;small&gt;This section contains quotes about Jesus that occur in the ''[[w:Book of Mormon|Book of Mormon]] and LDS Scripture&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Christus statue temple square salt lake city.jpg|244px|thumb|The fundamental principles of our religion are the testimony of the Apostles and Prophets, concerning Jesus Christ, that He died, was buried, and rose again the third day, and ascended into heaven; and all other things which pertain to our religion are only appendages to it. ~ [[Joseph Smith]] ]]
==== The Book of Mormon (1830) ====

* If so, wo shall come upon you; but if not so, then cast about your eyes and begin to believe in the Son of God, that he will come to redeem his people, and that he shall suffer and die to atone for their sins; and that he shall rise again from the dead, which shall bring to pass the resurrection, that all men shall stand before him, to be judged at the last and judgment day, according to their works.
** The ''[[s:Book of Mormon|Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Alma|Alma]] [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Alma#Thirty-three|33:22]]

* And behold, he shall be born of Mary, at Jerusalem which is the land of our forefathers, she being a virgin, a precious and chosen vessel, who shall be overshadowed and conceive by the power of the Holy Ghost, and bring forth a son, yea, even the Son of God.
** The ''[[s:Book of Mormon|Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Alma|Alma]] [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Alma#Chapter_Seven|7:10]]

* And moreover, I say unto you, that there shall be no other name given nor any other way nor means whereby salvation can come unto the children of men, only in and through the name of Christ, the Lord Omnipotent.
** The ''[[s:Book of Mormon|Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Mosiah|Mosiah]] [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Mosiah#Chapter_Three|3:17]]

* And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall.
** The ''[[s:Book of Mormon|Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Helaman|Helaman]] [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Helaman#Chapter_Five|5:12]]

* And if there were miracles wrought then, why has God ceased to be a God of miracles and yet be an unchangeable Being? And behold, I say unto you he changeth not; if so he would cease to be God; and he ceaseth not to be God, and is a God of miracles.&lt;br/&gt; And the reason why he ceaseth to do miracles among the children of men is because that they dwindle in unbelief, and depart from the right way, and know not the God in whom they should trust. 	Jesus doesn't do miracles any more because everyone has dwindled in unbelief.&lt;br/&gt; Behold, I say unto you that whoso believeth in Christ, doubting nothing, whatsoever he shall ask the Father in the name of Christ it shall be granted him; and this promise is unto all, even unto the ends of the earth.
** The ''[[s:Book of Mormon|Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Mormon|Mormon]] [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Mormon#Chapter_Nine|9:19–21]]

* And now, my beloved brethren, and also Jew, and all ye ends of the earth, hearken unto these words and believe in Christ; and if ye believe not in these words believe in Christ. And if ye shall believe in Christ ye will believe in these words, for they are the words of Christ, and he hath given them unto me; and they teach all men that they should do good. And if they are not the words of Christ, judge ye—for Christ will show unto you, with power and great glory, that they are his words, at the last day; and you and I shall stand face to face before his bar; and ye shall know that I have been commanded of him to write these things, notwithstanding my weakness.
** The ''[[Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book of Mormon/2 Nephi|2 Nephi]] [[s:Book of Mormon/2 Nephi#Chapter Thirty-three|33:10-11]]

* And we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ, and we write according to our prophecies, that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins.
** The ''[[Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book of Mormon/2 Nephi|2 Nephi]] [[s:Book of Mormon/2 Nephi#Chapter twenty-five|25:26]]

* Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life.
** The ''[[Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book of Mormon/2 Nephi|2 Nephi]] [[s:Book of Mormon/2 Nephi#Chapter Thirty-one|31:20]]

* Yea, come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, and deny yourselves of all ungodliness; and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness, and love God with all your might, mind and strength, then is his grace sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ; and if by the grace of God ye are perfect in Christ, ye can in nowise deny the power of God. And again, if ye by the grace of God are perfect in Christ, and deny not his power, then are ye sanctified in Christ by the grace of God, through the shedding of the blood of Christ, which is in the covenant of the Father unto the remission of your sins, that ye become holy, without spot.
** The ''[[s:Book of Mormon|Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Moroni|Moroni]] [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Moroni#Chapter_Ten|10:32-33]]

====Doctrine and Covenants (1835)====
* Hearken, O ye elders of my church, saith the Lord your God, who have assembled yourselves together, according to my commandments, in this land, which is the land of Missouri, which is the land which I have appointed and consecrated for the gathering of the saints.&lt;br/&gt; Wherefore, this is the land of promise, and the place for the city of Zion.&lt;br/&gt; And thus saith the Lord your God, if you will receive wisdom here is wisdom. Behold, the place which is now called Independence is the center place; and a spot for the temple is lying westward, upon a lot which is not far from the courthouse.
** [[w:Joseph Smith|Joseph Smith]]'s revelation that that Jesus will come to Independence, Missouri when he returns to reign on earth, The ''[[w:Doctrine and Covenants|Doctrine and Covenants]]'', [[s:http://en.wikisource.org/wiki/The_Doctrine_and_Covenants/Section_57|57:1–3]], revelation through Joseph Smith, in Zion, Jackson County, Missouri (July 20, 1831)

====Pearl of Great Price (1838)====
* It no sooner appeared than I found myself delivered from the enemy which held me bound. When the light rested upon me I saw two Personages, whose brightness and glory defy all description, standing above me in the air. One of them spake unto me, calling me by name and said, pointing to the other—''This is My Beloved Son. Hear Him!'' My object in going to inquire of the Lord was to know which of all the sects was right, that I might know which to join. No sooner, therefore, did I get possession of myself, so as to be able to speak, than I asked the Personages who stood above me in the light, which of all the sects was right (for at this time it had never entered into my heart that all were wrong)—and which I should join. I was answered that I must join none of them, for they were all wrong; and the Personage who addressed me said that all their creeds were an abomination in his sight; that those professors were all corrupt; that: “they draw near to me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me, they teach for doctrines the commandments of men, having a form of godliness, but they deny the power thereof.”
** Vers 17 to 19 from [[w:Joseph Smith—History|Joseph Smith—History]] from the [[w:Pearl of Great Price (Mormonism)|Pearl of Great Price]], also called the [[w:First Vision|First Vision]]

====[[w:History of the Church (Joseph Smith)|History of the Church]] (1839)====
* The fundamental principles of our religion are the testimony of the Apostles and Prophets, concerning Jesus Christ, that He died, was buried, and rose again the third day, and ascended into heaven; and all other things which pertain to our religion are only appendages to it.
** [[w:Joseph Smith|Joseph Smith]] from [[w:History of the Church (Joseph Smith)|History of the Church]] 3:30

===The Twentieth Century===
[[File:Weston Zanzibar.jpg|thumb|You cannot claim to worship Jesus in the tabernacle if you do not pity Jesus in the slum. ~ [[Frank Weston]]]]
[[File:Adolf Hitler - Mary with Jesus (1913).jpg|thumb|If Jesus came back and saw what's going on in his name, he'd never stop throwing up. ~ [[Woody Allen]] ]]
[[File:Friedrich Kreuz im Wald.jpg|thumb|I am far within the mark when I say that all the armies that ever marched, and all the navies that ever were built, and all the parliaments that ever sat, all the kings that ever reigned, put together have not affected the [[life]] of man upon this [[earth]] as powerfully as has that One Solitary Life. ~ James Allan Francis ]]
[[File:Wassilij Dimitriewitsch Polenow 005.jpg|thumb|[[Christian anarchism]] is based upon the answer of Jesus to the Pharisees, when He said that he without [[sin]] should be the first to cast the stone, and upon the [[Sermon on the Mount]], which advises the return of [[good]] for [[evil]] and the turning of the other cheek. ~ [[Ammon Hennacy]] ]]
[[File:Brooklyn Museum - Jesus Goes Up Alone onto a Mountain to Pray (Jésus monte seul sur une montagne pour prier) - James Tissot - overall.jpg|thumb|The last two thousand years have brought about a [[duality]] in man such as he never [[experienced]] before, and yet the man who dominates this whole period was one who stood for [[wholeness]], one who proclaimed the [[Holy Ghost]]. No [[life]] in the whole [[history]] of man has been so misinterpreted, so [[woefully]] misunderstood as [[Christ]]'s. ~ [[Henry Miller]] ]]
[[File:Jesus mosaic (584).jpg|thumb|The real [[significance]] of Jesus is obscured by the widespread [[belief]] that [[organized]] [[Christianity]] truly reflects his religion. ~ [[Kirby Page]]]]
[[File:Ary Scheffer - The Temptation of Christ (1854).jpg|thumb|In the most deeply significant of the legends concerning Jesus, we are told how the [[devil]] took him up into a high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the [[world]] in a moment of [[time]]… ~ [[Upton Sinclair]] ]]
[[File:Moreau Pieta.jpg|thumb|Jesus, as we know, answered and said &quot;Get thee behind me, [[Satan]]!&quot; And he really meant it; he would have nothing to do with worldly [[glory]], with &quot;temporal [[power]];&quot; he chose the career of a revolutionary agitator, and died the [[death]] of a disturber of the [[peace]]. ~ [[Upton Sinclair]] ]]
[[File:Jesus wanted poster.jpg|thumb|'''Jesus [[w:Christ|Christ]]''' : Wanted — For Sedition, [[Christian anarchism|Criminal Anarchy]] — Vagrancy, and Conspiring to Overthrow the Established Government. ~ [[w:Art Young|Art Young]] ]]

* '''If Jesus came back and saw what's going on in his [[name]], he'd never stop throwing up.'''
**[[Woody Allen]], in ''[[Hannah and Her Sisters]]'' (1986)

* Paul, {{anchor|AndersonJND1950}}in the fifteenth chapter of his Epistle to the Corinthians, gives a detailed list of several resurrection appearances. Now there is scarcely a scholar who has doubted the genuineness of 1 Corinthians, and its date is generally accepted as about 56 A.D. But the apostle writes that he had not only previously given his readers this information orally (i.e., in 49 A.D.), but had himself 'received' it, presumably from those who were apostles before him. This may take us back to 40 A.D. or to within some ten years of the crucifixion.... Paul tells us that in 56 A.D. the majority of some 500 original witnesses were still alive....
** [[w:Norman Anderson (missionary)|Sir Norman Anderson,]] O.B.E., Q.C., LL.D., F.B.A., [http://www.biblicalstudies.org.uk/article_resurrection_anderson.html &quot;The Evidence for the Resurrection&quot;, IVP, 1950.]

* '''Jesus Christ is to me the outstanding personality of all time, all history, both as Son of God and as Son of Man.''' Everything he ever said or did has value for us today and that is something you can say of no other man, dead or alive. There is no easy middle ground to stroll upon. You either accept Jesus or reject him.
** [[w:Sholem Asch|Sholem Asch]], in an interview with Frank S. Mead of ''The Christian Herald'' (1944), as quoted in ''The Controversial Sholem Asch : An Introduction to his Fiction'' (1976) by Ben Siegel, p. 148

*Many years of work as an evangelist and as a teacher in the field of Christian principles, and a difficult cycle in which I faced the problem of my own relation to Christ and to Christianity, have brought me to two definitely clear and clean-cut recognitions: first, a recognition of the reality of the Individuality of Christ and of His Mission; and secondly, a recognition that the development of the Christ Consciousness and the Christ Nature in individual man, and in the race as a whole, carries with it the solution of our world problem... The kingdom of God is now in process of rapid formation, as all those with forward-seeing vision and a realisation of the rapidly emerging beauty and divinity of man can bear testimony. We are passing through the transition period between the old age and [[Age of Aquarius|the new]], and the true mission of Christ, so deeply and frequently obscured by theological implications and disputations, embodies in itself the coming revelation. The development of humanity guarantees the recognition of Christ and His work and its participation, consciously, in the kingdom of God. (Forward)
**[[Alice Bailey]], in ''From Bethlehem to Calvary.'' (1937)

*A myth is capable of becoming a fact in the experience of an individual, for a myth is a fact which can be proven. Upon the myths we take our stand, but we must seek to re-interpret them in the light of the present. Through self-initiated experiment we can prove their validity; through experience we can establish them as governing forces in our lives; and through their expression we can demonstrate their truth to others. This is the theme of this book, dealing as it does with the facts of the Gospel story, that fivefold sequential myth which teaches us the revelation of divinity in the Person of Jesus Christ, and which remains eternally truth, in the cosmic sense, in the historical sense, and in its practical application to the individual. This myth divides itself into five great episodes: 1. The Birth at Bethlehem. 2. The Baptism in Jordan. 3. The Transfiguration on Mount Carmel. 4. The Crucifixion on Mount Golgotha. 5. The Resurrection and Ascension. (Chapter One)
**[[Alice Bailey]], in ''From Bethlehem to Calvary.'' (1937)

*He is the World Teacher and not a Christian teacher. He Himself told us that He had other folds, and to them He has meant as much as He has meant to the orthodox Christian. They may not call Him Christ, but they have their own name for Him and follow Him as truly and faithfully as their Western brethren. 
**[[Alice Bailey]] in [https://www.lucistrust.org/online_books/the_reappearance_the_christ  &quot;The Reappearance of the Christ&quot;] (1948) p. 62

*In the future, the eyes of humanity will be fixed upon the Christ, and not upon any such man-made institutions as the Church and its dignitaries; Christ will be seen as He is in reality, working through His disciples, through [[Masters of Wisdom|the Masters of the Wisdom]], and through His followers who toil unseen (and usually unrecognised) behind world affairs. The sphere of His activity will be known to be the human heart and also the crowded market places of the world, but not some stone edifice, and not the pomp and ceremony of any ecclesiastical headquarters.
**[[Alice Bailey]] in [https://www.lucistrust.org/online_books/the_reappearance_the_christ  &quot;The Reappearance of the Christ&quot;] (1948) p. 66

* '''In Jesus, God wills to be true God not only in the height but also in the depth — in the depth of human creatureliness, sinfulness and mortality.'''
** [[Karl Barth]], as quoted in ''Basket of Gems'' (2009) by Mark Stibbe, p. 89

*And so, looking over the world at the moment, there seems little likelihood that when He comes He will be welcome. A few will recognise Him as they ever have done, and maybe, as the characteristics of the coming race are those of spirituality, there will be more to welcome Him, for the spiritual life is spreading to-day, and those who are of the Spirit will know the law of the Spirit; and I would fain leave you with the thought tonight that that is a truth, that the Supreme Teacher will again ere very long be incarnate upon earth, again made manifest as Teacher, again walking and living amongst us as last He walked in Palestine. Splendid as is the hope, mighty as is the inspiration, there is nothing too glorious to be possible for the ever-unfolding Spirit in man, and the hope of to-day is that that spirit is spreading, despite the characteristics of our time; that men are becoming more liberal, more tolerant, more ready to recognise that which is true and just. 
**[[Annie Besant]], in [http://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/57667 ''The Changing World and Lectures to Theosophical Students, Lecture VI, The Coming Christ,''] (May, June, and July 1909)

*It may well be that we have reached such a time... that the popular mind of the day will be transcended by large numbers of the more spiritually minded, and that when He comes again He will be able to stay amongst us more than the three brief years that marked His last ministry. That, then, is the word, the thought I leave with you: to develop in yourselves the Spirit of the Christ, and then at His coming you shall recognise His beauty. Learn compassion, learn tenderness, learn good thoughts of others rather than evil, learn to be tender with the weak, learn to be reverent to the great; and if you can develop those qualities in you, then the coming Christ may be able to number you among His disciples, and the welcome that the earth shall give Him shall not again be a cross.
**[[Annie Besant]], in ''The Changing World and Lectures to Theosophical Students, Lecture VI, The Coming Christ,'' (May, June, and July 1909)

*To that manifested Presence the name of &quot;the Christ&quot; may rightly be given, and it was He who lived and moved in the form of the man Jesus over the hills and plains of Palestine, teaching, healing diseases, and gathering round Him as disciples a few of the more advanced souls. The rare charm of His royal love, outpouring from Him as rays from a sun, drew round Him the suffering, the weary, and the oppressed, and the subtly tender magic of His gentle wisdom purified, ennobled, and sweetened the lives that came into contact with His own... By parable and luminous imagery He taught the uninstructed crowds who pressed around Him, and, using the powers of the free Spirit, He healed many a disease by word or touch, reinforcing the magnetic energies belonging to His pure body with the compelling force of His inner life... The teachers and rulers of His nation soon came to eye Him with jealousy and anger; His spirituality was a constant reproach to their materialism, His power a constant, though silent, exposure of their weakness. p. 136
**[[Annie Besant]] in ''Esoteric Christianity: Or, The Lesser Mysteries'' (1914) 

*The historical Christ, then, is a glorious Being belonging to the [[Masters of Wisdom|great spiritual hierarchy]] that guides the [[spiritual]] [[evolution]] of humanity, who used for some three years the human body of the disciple Jesus; who spent the last of these three years in public teaching... who was a healer of diseases and performed other remarkable [[occult]] works; who gathered round Him a small band of disciples whom He instructed in the deeper truths of the spiritual life; who drew men to Him by the singular love and tenderness and the rich [[Ageless Wisdom teachings|wisdom]] that breathed from His Person; and who was finally put to death for blasphemy, for teaching the inherent Divinity of Himself and of all men. p.141
**[[Annie Besant]] in ''Esoteric Christianity: Or, The Lesser Mysteries'' (1914) 

*But it must not be supposed that the work of the Christ for His followers was over after He had established the Mysteries, or was confined to rare appearances therein. That Mighty One who had used the body of Jesus as His vehicle, and whose guardian care extends over the whole spiritual evolution of the fifth race of humanity, gave into the strong hands of the holy disciple who had surrendered to Him his body the care of the infant Church. Perfecting his human evolution, Jesus became one of [[Masters of Wisdom|the Masters of Wisdom]], and took Christianity under His special charge, ever seeking to guide it to the right lines, to protect, to guard and nourish it. He was the Hierophant in the Christian Mysteries, the direct Teacher of the Initiates. His the inspiration that kept alight the Gnosis in the Church, until the superincumbent mass of ignorance became so great that even His breath could not fan the flame sufficiently to prevent its extinguishment. p. 142
**[[Annie Besant]] in ''Esoteric Christianity: Or, The Lesser Mysteries'' (1914) 
* Jesus' own coming was by no means so introverted and other-worldly as a [[Paul of Tarsus|Pauline]] reinterpretation&amp;mdash;always welcome to the [[ruling class]]&amp;mdash;would have it. ... To Jesus, the kingdom of this world was the devil (John 8:44). This is why he never suggested allowing it to go on; he did not conclude a non-aggression pact with it.
** [[Ernst Bloch]], ''Man On His Own'' (1970), p. 123

* From my youth onwards I have found in Jesus my great brother. That Christianity has regarded and does regard him as God and Savior has always appeared to me a fact of the highest importance which, for his sake and my own, I must endeavor to understand … '''I am more than ever certain that a great place belongs to him in Israel's history of faith and that this place cannot be described by any of the usual categories.'''
** [[Martin Buber]], in ''Two Types of Faith'' (1961) Foreword

* According to the [[New Testament]], Jesus is the man for others who views his existence as inextricably tied to other men to the degree that his own Person is inexplicable apart from others. The others, of course, refer to all men, especially the oppressed, the unwanted of society, the &quot;sinners.&quot; He is God himself coming into the very depths of human existence for the sole purpose of striking off the chains of slavery, thereby freeing man from ungodly principalities and powers that hinder his relationship with God.
** [[James Cone]], ''Black Theology and Black Power'' (1969), p. 35

* If the church ... does not make God's liberation of the oppressed central in its mission and proclamation, how can it rest easy with a condemned criminal as the dominant symbol of its message? 
** [[James Cone]], ''Speaking the Truth: Ecumenism, Liberation, and Black Theology'' (1986), p. 6

* By becoming poor and entrusting divine revelation to a carpenter from Nazareth, God makes clear where one has to be in order to hear the divine word and experience divine presence. 
** [[James Cone]], ''Speaking the Truth: Ecumenism, Liberation, and Black Theology'' (1986), p. 9

*In the [[esoteric]] tradition, the Christ is not the name of an individual but of an Office in the [esoteric spiritual] [[Hierarchy]]. The present holder of that Office... has held it for 2,600 years, and manifested in [[Palestine]] through His disciple, [[Jesus]], by the [[occult]] method of overshadowing, the most frequent form used for the manifestation of Avatars. He has never left the world, but for 2,000 years has waited and planned for this immediate future time, training His disciples, and preparing Himself for the awesome task which awaits Him... They stand now, waiting for us to take, of our own free will, the needed first steps in the direction of unity, cooperation and fusion. Then They will emerge with the Christ at Their Head, and Their Presence in the world will be an established fact. 
**[[Benjamin Creme]], in ''The Reappearance of the Christ and the Masters of Wisdom'' (1980)

*The disciple Jesus, Who is now the Master Jesus, was born in Palestine as a third-degree initiate... He was, and still is, a Disciple of the Christ and made the great sacrifice of giving up His body for the use of the Christ. By the... process of overshadowing, the Christ, Maitreya, took over and worked through the body of Jesus from the Baptism onwards. In His next incarnation, as Apollonius of Tyana, Jesus became a Master. 
**[[Benjamin Creme]], in ''The Reappearance of the Christ and the Masters of Wisdom'' (1980)

*He lives now in a Syrian body which is some 600 years old, and has His base in Palestine. He has, in the last 2,000 years, worked in the closest relation to the Christ, saving His time and energy where possible, and has special work to do with the Christian Churches. He is one of the Masters Who will very shortly return to outer work in the world, taking over the Throne of St Peter, in Rome. He will seek to transform the Christian Churches, in so far as they are flexible enough to respond correctly to the new reality which the return of the Christ and [[Masters of Wisdom|the Masters]] will create. [Author's note, 2006: The Master Jesus is now living on the outskirts of Rome.] &lt;BR&gt; I am afraid that the Churches have gone very far away from the religion which the Christ inaugurated; which is to do with sharing, with love, with brotherhood and right relationship.
**[[Benjamin Creme]], in ''The Reappearance of the Christ and the Masters of Wisdom'' (1980)

*Two thousand years ago...[the Christ] overshadowed His disciple Jesus for three years, and Jesus became Jesus the Messiah, or, translated into the Greek, Jesus the Christ. The Christ Himself is Maitreya. His consciousness, from the baptism to the crucifixion, manifested through Jesus and inaugurated the Piscean age which is now coming to an end. Maitreya has come back into the world now to carry on what He began through Jesus, and will complete in the age of Aquarius which is now beginning... Jesus taught through Mohammed. As Maitreya had taught through Him, so He taught through Mohammed. The Buddha taught through the Prince Gautama and Mithra, and Maitreya also taught through Krishna and Shankaracharya at previous times.
**[[Benjamin Creme]], ''[https://share-international.org/books_AWT.html The Ageless Wisdom Teaching]'' (1996)   
 
*The Master Jesus... in Palestine was a very advanced disciple, a fourth-degree initiate, just short of a Master. He took the fourth initiation, the Crucifixion, openly, on the outer plane. Normally you are not expected to die on a cross when you take the fourth initiation. He did that to symbolize for us, dramatically, that great experience of renunciation. He is now a Master, becoming a Master in His immediate next life as [[Apollonius of Tyana|Appolonius of Tyana]], who opened an ashram in north India, where He is buried. From that fact has come the legend that somehow Jesus did not die on the cross, that He was secreted out of Palestine and went to India and is buried there. It was the Being who was Jesus, but in His next incarnation as Appolonius. Jesus is now a very advanced Master. In the seventh to eighth century He went to America and taught the Indian populations, then went out into the Pacific and taught the Polynesians. They all have the legend of a white man who came and taught, and the names are all related to the word `Jesus'. 
**[[Benjamin Creme]], ''[https://share-international.org/books_AWT.html The Ageless Wisdom Teaching]'' (1996)       

*Some of the people around Maitreya were around Jesus in Palestine... [[John the Evangelist|John the Beloved]] is now the [[Koot Hoomi|Master Koot Hoomi]]... We will see Them very shortly. The [[Jesus|Master Jesus]], the best-known Master of all, is already in the world, and has been living in the outskirts of Rome for about seven years.
**[[Benjamin Creme]], [https://www.share-international.org/archives/religion/faq_religion.htm Religion - FAQ,] ''Share International'' (March 1996)

*We, as Christians, are asked to take a very great deal on trust; the teachings, for example, and the miracles of Jesus. If we had to take all on trust, I, for one, should be sceptical. The crux of the problem of whether Jesus was, or was not, what he proclaimed himself to be, must surely depend upon the truth or otherwise of the resurrection. On that greatest point we are not merely asked to have faith. In its favour as a living truth there exists such overwhelming evidence, positive and negative, factual and circumstantial, that no intelligent jury in the world could fail to bring in a verdict that the resurrection story is true.
** [[w:Charles Darling, 1st Baron Darling|Lord Darling,]] who deputised for the Lord Chief Justice 1914-1918, quoted by [[w:Michael Green (theologian)|Michael Green]] in &quot;Man Alive&quot;, IVP, 1967

* Jesus was not divine because he was less human than his fellowmen but for the opposite reason that he was supremely human, and it is this of which his divinity consists, the fullness and perfection of him as an intellectual, moral and spiritual human being.
** [[Eugene Debs]], &quot;Jesus, the Supreme Leader,&quot; in ''Coming Nation'', March 1914

* He has been disfigured and distorted by cunning priests to serve their knavish ends and by ignorant idolaters to give godly sanction to their blind bigotry and savage superstition. He has persisted in spite of two thousand years of theological emasculation to destroy his revolutionary personality.
** [[Eugene Debs]], &quot;Jesus, the Supreme Leader,&quot; in ''Coming Nation'', March 1914

* I had the good luck a few years ago to visit the archeological site of [[w:Sepphoris|Zippori]] in Israel... I could see here displayed the Greek culture that Jesus decisively rejected, the same Greek culture that infiltrated the Christian religion soon after his death and has dominated Christianity ever since.
** [[Freeman Dyson]], ''The Scientist As Rebel'' (2006)

* First, Jesus was no simple peasant, but grew up in intimate contact with an urban and overwhelmingly Greek culture. And second, he intended to lead a spiritual regeneration of his people, based on a total repudiation of Greek culture. In all his preaching, he quotes from the Law and the Prophets, the old Hebrew scriptures. After seeing what the Greek culture had to offer, he went back to his Hebrew roots.
** [[Freeman Dyson]], ''The Scientist As Rebel'' (2006)

* As a child I received instruction both in the Bible and in the Talmud. I am a Jew, but I am enthralled by the luminous figure of the Nazarene. ... No one can read the Gospels without feeling the actual presence of Jesus. His personality pulsates in every word. No myth is filled with such life.
** [[Albert Einstein]], physicist (1879–1955) (from: [http://jmm.aaa.net.au/articles/13353.htm])

* Not a single one of our ancient sources indicates that Jesus was married, let alone married to [[Mary Magdalene]]. All such claims are part of modem fictional reconstructions of Jesus' life, not rooted in the surviving accounts themselves. The historical approach to our sources may not be as exciting and sensationalist as fictional claims about Jesus (he kept a lover! he had sex! he made babies!), but there's something to be said for knowing what really happened in history, even if it is not as titillating as what happens in novels.
** [[Bart D. Ehrman]], ''Truth and Fiction in The Da Vinci Code'' (2004), Ch. 7: &quot;Jesus, Mary Magdalene, and Marriage&quot;

* '''Here is a man who was born in an obscure village, the child of a peasant woman.''' He grew up in another obscure village, where He worked in a carpenter shop until He was thirty, and then for three years He was an itinerant preacher. He never wrote a book. He never held an office. He never owned a home. He never had a family. He never went to college. He never put his foot inside a big city. He never traveled two hundred miles from the place where He was born. He never did one of the things that usually accompany greatness. '''He had no credentials but Himself. He had nothing to do with this world except the naked power of His divine manhood.''' While still a young man, the tide of public opinion turned against Him. His friends ran away. One of them denied Him. He was turned over to His enemies. He went through the mockery of a trial. He was nailed to a cross between two thieves. His executioners gambled for the only piece of property He had on earth while He was dying — and that was [[w: Seamless robe of Jesus|his coat]]. When he was dead He was taken down and laid in a borrowed grave through the pity of a friend. Nineteen wide centuries have come and gone and today He is the centerpiece of the [[human]] race and the [[leader]] of the column of [[progress]]. '''I am far within the mark when I say that all the armies that ever marched, and all the navies that ever were built, and all the parliaments that ever sat, all the kings that ever reigned, put together have not affected the [[life]] of man upon this [[earth]] as powerfully as has that One Solitary Life.'''
** [[James Allan Francis]], ''One Solitary Life'' (1963), p. 1–7. This miniature book, made up entirely of the text above, was hand set and printed by Doris V. Welsh, a former staff member of the Newberry Library, in an edition of 150 copies. No information in the book is given for the first published source of this essay by James Allan Francis, D. D. (1864–1928), nor could it be found in the essays and sermons by Francis in the collections of his writings in the Library of Congress. Nor was the Newberry Library able to identify the original published source. As an anonymous work and with some variations in the text, &quot;One Solitary Life&quot; was published in The Irish Echo, December 27, 1969, p. 10; in the Congressional Record, December 23, 1969, vol. 115, p. 13105; and on a variety of Christmas greeting cards in the 1970s and 1980s.

* Jesus was the first socialist, the first to seek a better life for mankind.
**[[Mikhail Gorbachev]], as quoted in ''Daily Telegraph'' (16 June 1992)

* I'm hoping that [the defrauded faithful will] see that it's not necessary to look to some person to jerk you off to get off and put your belief in.
** [[w:MarJoe Gortner|MarJoe Gortner]], one-time child evangelist who [http://youtube.com/watch?v=6O0p4ZDnDoQ exposed] the fraudulence of fundamentalist Christian sermons in America in the 1972 academy-award winning documentary ''[[w:MarJoe|MarJoe]]''. He estimates that he raised $3 million (1960s) dollars in donations.

* Would you get out your checkbook tonight? … Bring what you would for JESUS tonight.
** [[w:MarJoe Gortner|MarJoe Gortner]], one-time child evangelist who [http://youtube.com/watch?v=6O0p4ZDnDoQ exposed] the fraudulence of fundamentalist Christian sermons in America in the 1972 academy-award winning documentary ''[[w:MarJoe|MarJoe]]''. He estimates that he raised $3 million (1960s) dollars in donations.

* [To an elderly women requesting a blessing.] Do you believe that the Lord's going to do it tonight? Do you believe that he's going to touch this condition? Say Yes Lord. Say THANK YOU JESUS! In the name of Jesus! In the name of JESUS! [Woman collapses in euphoria.] Thank you Jesus. Hallelujah!
** [[w:MarJoe Gortner|MarJoe Gortner]], one-time child evangelist who [http://youtube.com/watch?v=6O0p4ZDnDoQ exposed] the fraudulence of fundamentalist Christian sermons in America in the 1972 academy-award winning documentary ''[[w:MarJoe|MarJoe]]''. He estimates that he raised $3 million (1960s) dollars in donations.

* '''[[Christian anarchism]] is based upon the apocryphal answer of Jesus to the Pharisees, when He said that he without sin should be the first to cast the stone, and upon the Sermon on the Mount, which advises the return of good for evil and the turning of the other cheek.''' Therefore, when we take any part in government by voting for legislative, judicial, and executive officials, we make these men our arm by which we cast a stone and deny the Sermon on the Mount. &lt;br /&gt; The dictionary definition of a Christian is one who follows Christ; kind, kindly, Christ-like. Anarchism is voluntary cooperation for good, with the right of secession. '''A Christian anarchist is therefore one who turns the other cheek, overturns the tables of the moneychangers, and does not need a cop to tell him how to behave. A Christian anarchist does not depend upon bullets or ballots to achieve his ideal; he achieves that ideal daily by the One-Man Revolution with which he faces a decadent, confused, and dying world.'''
** [[Ammon Hennacy]], &quot;Christian Anarchism&quot; in ''The Book of Ammon'' (1965)

* I say: my feeling as a Christian points me to my Lord and Saviour as a fighter. It points me to the man who once in loneliness, surrounded only by a few followers, recognized these Jews for what they were and summoned men to the fight against them and who, God's truth! was greatest not as sufferer but as fighter. In boundless love as a Christian and as a man I read through the passage which tells us how the Lord at last rose in His might and seized the scourge to drive out of the Temple the brood of vipers and of adders. How terrific was His fight for the world against the Jewish poison. Today, after two thousand years, with deepest emotion I recognize more profoundly than ever before — the fact that it was for this that He had to shed His blood upon the Cross.
** [[Adolf Hitler]], [http://humanitas-international.org/showcase/chronography/speeches/1922-04-12.html Munich speech of April 12, 1922]

* The best characterization is provided by the product of this religious education, the Jew himself. His life is only of this world, and his spirit is inwardly as alien to true Christianity as his nature two thousand years previous was to the great founder of the new doctrine. Of course, the latter made no secret of his attitude toward the Jewish people, and when necessary he even took the whip to drive from the temple of the Lord this adversary of all humanity, who then as always saw in religion nothing but an instrument for his business existence. In return, Christ was nailed to the cross, while our present-day party Christians debase themselves to begging for Jewish votes at elections and later try to arrange political swindles with atheistic Jewish parties&amp;mdash;and this against their own nation.
** [[Adolf Hitler]], ''[[w:Mein Kampf|Mein Kampf]]'' (1925), Vol. 1, Chapter 11
** Variant translation: And the founder of Christianity made no secret indeed of his estimation of the Jewish people. When He found it necessary, He drove those enemies of the human race out of the Temple of God.
*** Vol. 1, p. 174

* All good men are anarchists. All cultured, kindly men; all gentlemen; all just men are anarchists. '''Jesus was an anarchist.'''
** [[Elbert Hubbard]], in ''A Message to Garcia and Thirteen Other Things'' (1901), p. 147

* Listen, Christ, &lt;br /&gt; You did alright in your day, I reckon— &lt;br /&gt; But that day's gone now. &lt;br /&gt; They ghosted you up a swell story, too, &lt;br /&gt; Called it Bible— &lt;br /&gt; But it's dead now. &lt;br /&gt; The popes and the preachers've &lt;br /&gt; Made too much money from it. &lt;br /&gt; They've sold you too many &lt;br /&gt; &lt;br /&gt; Kings, generals, robbers, and killers— &lt;br /&gt; Even to the Czar and the Cossacks, &lt;br /&gt; Even to Rockefeller's church, &lt;br /&gt; Even to THE SATURDAY EVENING POST. &lt;br /&gt; You ain't no good no more. &lt;br /&gt; They've pawned you &lt;br /&gt; Till you've done wore out. &lt;br /&gt; &lt;br /&gt; Goodbye, &lt;br /&gt; Christ Jesus Lord God Jehova, &lt;br /&gt; Beat it on away from here now. &lt;br /&gt; Make way for a new guy with no religion at all— &lt;br /&gt; A real guy named &lt;br /&gt; Marx Communist Lenin Peasant Stalin Worker ME— &lt;br /&gt; I said, ME! &lt;br /&gt; &lt;br /&gt; Go Ahead on now, &lt;br /&gt; You're getting in the way of things, Lord. &lt;br /&gt; And please take Saint Ghandi [sic] with you when you go, &lt;br /&gt; And Saint Pope Pius, &lt;br /&gt; And Saint Aimee McPherson, &lt;br /&gt; And big black Saint Becton &lt;br /&gt; Of the Consecrated Dime. &lt;br /&gt; And step on the gas, Christ! &lt;br /&gt; &lt;br /&gt; Move! &lt;br /&gt; Don't be so slow about movin'! &lt;br /&gt; The world is mine from now on— &lt;br /&gt; And nobody's gonna sell ME &lt;br /&gt; To a king, or a general, &lt;br /&gt; Or a millionaire.
** [[Langston Hughes]], &quot;Goodbye Christ,&quot; The Negro Worker, November/December 1932, p. 32

* '''Jesus was an anarchist savior. That's what the Gospels tell us.'''
** [[Ivan Illich]], [http://www.davidtinapple.com/illich/1988_Educational.html ''The Educational enterprise in the Light of the Gospel'', Chicago (13 November 1988)]


* He comes into the world God knows how, walks on the water, gets out of his grave and goes up off the Hill of Howth. What drivel is this?
** [[James Joyce]], ''Stephen Hero'', ch. 21 (1944)

* '''Although Jesus is widely considered mankind's greatest moral teacher, the greatest Christians, not to speak of scholars, have never been able to agree what his moral teachings were.''' Matthew, and he alone, reports that Jesus said: &quot;Let your Yes be Yes, and your No, No.&quot; But the four Evangelists agree in ascribing to Jesus evasive and equivocal answers to plain questions, not only those of the high priest and Pilate; and '''quite generally the Jesus of the New Testament avoids straightforward statements, preferring parables and hyperboles.''' Some of the parables are so ambiguous that different Evangelists, not to speak of later [[theologian]]s, offer different interpretations. … '''On concrete moral issues, Jesus can be, and has been, cited on almost all sides.'''
** [[Walter Kaufmann (philosopher)|Walter Kaufmann]], in &quot;The Faith of a Heretic&quot; in ''Harper's Magazine'' (February 1959)

* '''Jesus is not an impractical [[idealist]]; he is the [practical [[realist]].'''
* I am certain that Jesus [[understood]] the [[difficulty]] inherent in the act of [[loving]] one's [[enemy]]. He never joined the ranks of those who talk glibly about the easiness of the moral life. He realized that every genuine expression of love grows out of a consistent and total surrender to God. So when Jesus said &quot;love your enemy,&quot; he was not unmindful of its stringent qualities. Yet he meant every word of it. Our responsibility as Christians is to discover the meaning of this command and seek passionately to live it out in our daily lives.
:* [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], [http://www.skeptictank.org/files/socialis/mlk.htm &quot;Loving Your Enemies&quot;]. Dexter Avenue Baptist Church, Montgomery, Alabama (25 December 1957).

* Jesus recognized the need for blending opposites. He knew that his disciples would face a difficult and hostile world, where they would confront the recalcitrance of political officials and the intransigence of the protectors of the old order. He knew that they would meet cold and arrogant men whose hearts had been hardened by the long winter of traditionalism. … And he gave them a formula for action, &quot;Be ye therefore as [[wise]] as serpents, and [[harmless]] as doves.&quot; … We must combine the toughness of the serpent with the softness of the dove, a tough mind and a tender heart.
** [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], [http://books.google.gr/books?id=suOrdSCO_7gC&amp;q= &quot;Strength to Love&quot;], Ch. 1 : A tough mind and a tender heart, (1963).

* '''Jesus Christ was an [[extremist]] for [[love]], [[truth]] and [[goodness]].'''
** [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], &quot;{{w|Letter from a Birmingham Jail}}&quot; (1963).

* I've come here to tell the most exciting story in the history of mankind: the life of Jesus Christ. I'm not talking about the Jesus in those horribly gaudy pictures. Not the Jesus with the jaundice-yellow skin&amp;mdash;whom crazy human society has turned into the biggest whore of all time. Whose corpse they perversely drag around on disgraceful crosses. I don't mean the jabbering about God or the blubbering hymns. I don't mean the Jesus whose moldy kiss frightens little girls out of horny dreams before their First Communion and then make them die of shame and disgust when they foam in the latrines. I'm talking about the ''man'': the restless man who says we have to turn over a new leaf all the time, now! I'm talking about the adventurer, the freest, most fearless, most modern of all men, the one who preferred being massacred to rotting with others. I'm talking about the man who is like what all of us want to be. You and I.
** [[Klaus Kinski]], in ''Kinski Uncut : The Autobiography of Klaus Kinski'' (1996), p. 1–2

* After the fall of so many gods in this century, this person, broken at the hands of his opponents and constantly betrayed through the ages by his adherents, is obviously still for innumerable people the most moving figure in the long history of mankind.
** [[w:Hans Küng|Hans Küng]], theologian (b. 1928) (from: [http://jmm.aaa.net.au/articles/13353.htm])

* I accept the resurrection of Easter Sunday not as an invention of the community of disciples, but as a historical event. If the resurrection of Jesus from the dead on that Easter Sunday were a public event which had been made known...not only to the 530 Jewish witnesses but to the entire population, all Jews would have become followers of Jesus.
** [[w:Pinchas Lapide|Pinchas Lapide]], Orthodox Jewish scholar (b. 1922) (from: [http://jmm.aaa.net.au/articles/13353.htm])

* '''The true founder of anarchy was [[Jesus]] [[w:Christ|Christ]] and … the first anarchist society was that of the apostles.'''
** Georges Lechartier, as quoted in [http://www.ditext.com/woodcock/anarch.html ''Anarchism : A History of Libertarian Ideas and Movements'' (1962)] by [[George Woodcock]], [http://www.ditext.com/woodcock/2.html Part One : The Idea, Ch. 2 : The Family Tree p. 36]

* [The lawless men of Acts 2:23 who nailed Jesus to the cross and killed Him include] Judas Iscariot, chief priests, officers of the temple, elders, the high priest and Jewish Sanhedrin, Pilate, Herod, and the Roman soldiers – mainly the Jewish religionists with their deputies and the Gentile politicians with their subordinates. This indicates that Jesus was killed by all mankind.
** [[w:Witness Lee|Witness Lee]], The Acts of the Apostles, Recovery version, p. 13, ''Living Stream Ministry'', December 1984

* I am trying to prevent anyone saying the really foolish thing that people often say about Him, 'I'm ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don't accept His claim to be God.' That is the sort of thing we must not say. '''A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would either be a lunatic — on a level with the man who says he is a poached egg — or He would be the devil of hell.''' You must make a choice. Either this man was, and is, the Son of God; or else a madman or something worse. You can shut Him up for a fool, you can spit at Him and kill him as a demon; or you can fall at His feet and call Him Lord and God. But let us not come with any patronizing nonsense about His being a great human teacher. He has not left that open to us. He did not intend to.
** [[C. S. Lewis]] (from: ''Mere Christianity''[http://jmm.aaa.net.au/articles/13353.htm])

*Jesus of Nazareth and the [[Christ]] are not one and the same person. This is one of the most difficult claims for many Christians to accept in connection with [[Maitreya (Theosophy)|Maitreya]], the World Teacher, and it therefore needs some further explanation. In fact, the title Christ does not refer to an individual at all. It is the name of a function in the [[Masters of Wisdom|Hierarchy of Masters of Wisdom]], that group of advanced beings who guide the evolution of humanity from behind the scenes. ... In reality Jesus was a fourth-degree initiate and one of the older disciples of the Masters of Wisdom. He appeared before in biblical times as Joshua, the son of Nun, then as [[Isaiah]], and again as Joshua in the book of Zachariah... The events from Jesus' life and his words have been greatly misinterpreted due to this little-understood connection between his work and that of Maitreya the Christ. This has given rise to the age-old theological point of contention -- namely, whether Jesus was God or man, or perhaps both together. The answer is that Jesus was a man who, as a result of the process of evolution, became a Son of God -- as does everyone eventually. Others had gone before him on that path and many have taken it since.
**[https://share-international.org/archives/AgelessWisdom/aw_pl-JnM.htm Peter Liefhebber in Maitreya the Christ, ''Share International Magazine''] (April 1999)

*The Master Jesus has been incarnate in a Syrian body for about 640 years. He is described in ''Initiation, Human and Solar'' by [[Alice A. Bailey]]...as follows: He is rather a martial figure, a disciplinarian and a man of iron rule and will. He is tall and spare with rather a long thin face, black hair, pale complexion, and piercing blue eyes. In the Hierarchy he is described as the Great Leader, the General and the Wise Executive. No one is so closely in touch with the people who stand for all that is best in the Christian teachings and no-one is so well aware of the needs of the present moment. During most of this time he has lived mainly in Palestine. Since 1984, however, he has lived in Rome. The intention is that he will try to raise the Christian churches out of their state of crystallization and rivalry and, if invited to do so, to lead a newly united church. By doing so he hopes to resolve the many contradictions and misunderstandings which have arisen during the course of the centuries about his historic role and the teachings which he then disseminated as a vehicle for Maitreya.
**[https://share-international.org/archives/AgelessWisdom/aw_pl-JnM.htm Peter Liefhebber in Maitreya the Christ, ''Share International Magazine''] (April 1999)

* Christ is a new man. The new man is a Soviet man. Therefore Christ is a Soviet man!
** [[w:Justinian Marina|Justinian Marina]], [[w:Romania|Romanian]] patriarch, quoted by [[w:Czesław Miłosz|Czesław Miłosz]] in ''[[w:The Captive Mind|The Captive Mind]]'' (1953)

*'''Jesus, not [[Julius Caesar|Cæsar]]''', I repeat,—this is the meaning of our [[history]] and [[democracy]].
** {{citation
|title=The Religious Conditions in Czechoslovakia
|year=c1921
|first=Tomáš
|last=Garrigue Masaryk
| authorlink=Tomáš Garrigue Masaryk
| page=7
|url=https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/The_Religious_Conditions_in_Czechoslovakia
}}

* The last two thousand years have brought about a duality in man such as he never experienced before, and yet the man who dominates this whole period was one who stood for [[wholeness]], one who proclaimed the [[Holy Ghost]]. '''No [[life]] in the whole [[history]] of man has been so misinterpreted, so woefully misunderstood as [[Christ]]'s.'''
** [[Henry Miller]] in ''The Wisdom of the Heart'' (1941)

* '''[[Political]] leaders are never leaders. For leaders we have to look to the Awakeners!''' [[Laozi|Lao Tse]], [[Gautama Buddha|Buddha]], [[Socrates]], '''Jesus''', [[w:Milarepa|Milarepa]], [[G. I. Gurdjieff|Gurdjiev]], [[Jiddu Krishnamurti|Krishnamurti]].
** [[Henry Miller]], in ''My Bike &amp; Other Friends'' (1977), p. 12

*The disciples asked [[Jesus]]: Who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind?&quot; (John 9:2-3) How could a man sin before he was born, unless the sin was committed in [[Reincarnation|another life]]? The apostles are not asking what kind of sin resulted in blindness, but *who* sinned, taking for granted that the act of sinning itself brought about this dire result.&lt;BR&gt; Furthermore, the sin could have been committed either by the man in a previous existence, or by his parents. This implies both that the sins of the parents are visited upon the children, which is a biblical doctrine, and that the soul exists and therefore pays for the transgressions of previous lives.&lt;BR&gt; Jesus does not rebuff the apostles for asking such a question. If the doctrine had been alien to his mind, he would have told them that they were talking nonsense. 
**Jeanine Miller, in [https://www.share-international.org/archives/AgelessWisdom/aw_jmreincarn.htm ''Reincarnation and karma in the Bible (Share International)'']

* In his own lifetime Jesus made no impact on history. This is something that I cannot but regard as a special dispensation on God's part, and, I like to think, yet another example of the ironical humour which informs so many of his purposes. To me, it seems highly appropriate that the most important figure in all history should thus escape the notice of memoirists, diarists, commentators, all the tribe of chroniclers who even then existed.
** [[Malcolm Muggeridge]], journalist (1903–90) (from: [http://jmm.aaa.net.au/articles/13353.htm])

* '''Jesus died too soon. If he had lived to my age he would have repudiated his doctrine.'''
** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], ''[[w:Thus Spoke Zarathustra|Thus Spoke Zarathustra]]''

* When Jesus and his disciples are said to be in the world but not of the world, the meaning is clear enough. Although they live in the world they are not worldly, they do not subscribe to the present values and standards of the world. ... The values of the kingdom [of God] are different from, and opposed to, the values of this world. There is no reason for thinking that it means the kingdom will float in the air somewhere above the earth or that it will be an abstract entity without any tangible social and political structure.
** [[Albert Nolan]], ''Jesus Before Christianity: The Gospel of Liberation'' (1976), p. 48

* '''Jesus wanted to [[Liberty|liberate]] everyone from the [[law]] — from all laws. But this could not be achieved by abolishing or changing the law. He had to dethrone the law.''' He had to ensure that the law be man’s servant and not his master (Mark 2:27-28). '''Man must therefore take [[responsibility]] for his servant, the law, and use it to serve the needs of [[mankind]].'''
** [[Albert Nolan]], in ''Jesus Before Christianity: The Gospel of Liberation'' (1976), p. 72

* It is imperative that the contrasts between Christianity and Jesus be clearly revealed and strongly emphasized. First, because the real significance of Jesus is obscured by the widespread belief that organized Christianity truly reflects his religion; and second, because it will be practically impossible to abolish giant evils while they are hallowed by the blessing of the churches. As long as ministers and laymen labor under the delusion that contemporary Christianity is the same religion that Jesus practiced they will remain immunized against his way of life and will lack the vision.
** [[Kirby Page]], ''Jesus or Christianity A Study In Contrasts'' (1929)

* Those persons who were responsible for his tragic death had only the faintest understanding of what he was seeking to accomplish. Even his own disciples so completely misinterpreted his teaching that at the very end they argued among themselves as to who should have the chief places. ...they still visualized twelve thrones of solid gold and quarreled among themselves over the seats of honor on the right and left of the king. How much less able to fathom the meaning of his words and deeds were the ecclesiastical leaders.
** [[Kirby Page]], ''Jesus or Christianity A Study In Contrasts'' (1929)

* Where is it that the youth is to seek the energy to subdue his genital titillations? In [[faith]] in Jesus! As a matter of fact, he does derive an enormous [[power]] against his [[sexuality]] from his faith in Jesus. What is the basis of its mechanism? The [[mystical]] experience puts him in a state of vegetative excitation, which never culminates in natural orgastic gratification. The youth’s sexual drive develops in a passive [[homosexual]] direction. In terms of the drive’s energy, passive homosexuality is the most effective counterpart of [[natural]] [[masculine]] sexuality, for it replaces [[activity]] and [[aggression]] by [[passivity]] and [[masochistic]] [[attitudes]], that is to say, by precisely those attitudes that determine the mass basis of [[patriarchal]] [[authoritarian]] mysticism in the [[human]] structure. At the same time, however, this implies unquestioning [[loyalty]], faith in authority and ability to adapt to the institution of patriarchal compulsive [[marriage]]. In short, religious mysticism pits one sexual drive against another.
** [[Wilhelm Reich]], ''The Mass Psychology of Fascism'', (1933), p. 163.

* [[Healthy]] [[adolescent]] [[sexuality]] would not necessarily have to stifle [[veneration]] for the Jesus [[legend]]. The [[Bible|Old and the New Testament]] can be [[appreciated]] as stupendous [[achievements]] of the [[human]] [[mind]], but this appreciation should not be used to suppress sexuality. My [[medical]] [[experience]] has [[taught]] me that adolescents who are sexually [[sick]] have an unhealthy appreciation of the [[legend]] of Jesus. 
** [[Wilhelm Reich]], ''The Mass Psychology of Fascism'', (1933), p. 168.

* Will you touch, will you mend me Christ? &lt;br /&gt; Won't you touch, will you heal me Christ? &lt;br /&gt; Will you kiss, can you cure me Christ? &lt;br /&gt; Won't you kiss, won't you pay me Christ? &lt;br /&gt; 
:See my eyes, I can hardly see &lt;br /&gt; See me stand, I can hardly walk &lt;br /&gt; I believe you can make me whole &lt;br /&gt; See my tongue, I can hardly talk. &lt;br /&gt; 
:See my skin, I'm a mass of blood &lt;br /&gt; See my legs, I can hardly stand &lt;br /&gt; I believe you can make me well &lt;br /&gt; See my purse, I'm a poor, poor man.
:* [[Jesus Christ Superstar]], lyrics by Tim Rice (1970)

* So you are the Christ you're the great Jesus Christ &lt;br /&gt; Prove to me that you're divine - change my water into wine &lt;br /&gt; That's all you need to do then I'll know it's all true &lt;br /&gt; C'mon King of the Jews.
:Prove to me that you're no fool - walk across my swimming pool &lt;br /&gt; If you do that for me then I'll let you go free &lt;br /&gt; C'mon King of the Jews.
:* [[Jesus Christ Superstar]], lyrics by Tim Rice (1970)

* I remember when this whole thing began &lt;br /&gt; No talk of God then, we called you a man &lt;br /&gt; And believe me, my admiration for you hasn't died &lt;br /&gt; But every word you say today &lt;br /&gt; Gets twisted round some other way &lt;br /&gt; And they'll hurt if they think you've lied.
:* [[w:Tim Rice|Tim Rice]], [[Jesus Christ Superstar]] (1970): [[w:Judas|Judas]] in &quot;Heaven on Their Minds&quot; 

* You ask whether it is possible to understand the indication regarding the appearance of Christ in lesser images and in reality. Certainly. Medievalism made an inaccessible idol of Christ and deprived him of any humanity, therefore also of divinity. Thus, all the Teachings of the East proclaim that there is no god (or gods) who was not at one time a man. Such a forced separation of Christ from human essence threatened and still threatens a complete break in the communion of humanity with the Higher World. One can trace how in the Middle Ages there appeared every now and then great saints who tried to re-establish this almost lost communion, and all of them insisted precisely on the human essence of Christ. Especially strong affirmations of this can be found in the pages of the autobiography of [[Teresa of Ávila|St. Theresa]], the Spanish saint of the sixteenth century, and still earlier, in the visions and writings of [[Catherine of Siena|St. Catherine of Siena]] and St. Gertrude. Thus, the form and the quality of the visions and communications received through such communion always correspond with the level of the consciousness of those who see and receive them, and also with the needs of the time. As it was said, &quot;In is precisely by following the character of the visions that the best history of the intellect may be written.&quot;
**[[Helena Roerich]], ''Letters of Helena Roerich II'', (2 April 1936)

*I strongly recommend that all read the autobiography of [[Teresa of Ávila|St. Theresa]]. In spite of the fact that this work went through the &quot;spiritual&quot; censorship of the Church, some amazing pages have been preserved. By propagating the dogma of Jesus Christ as the only begotten Son of God, the Church contradicts the very sense of the prayer given to us by Jesus Christ himself, &quot;Our Father which art in heaven.&quot; And also the words of the Scriptures, &quot;So God created man in his own image.&quot; (Genesis 1:27) Thus, by claiming the exclusiveness of sonship and divine origin for Jesus Christ, the Church, by that very claim, forever divorced him from mankind. From this came a whole train of grave events; the exclusion of Jesus Christ from the life of humanity, the obliteration of his human Sacrifice and the awful suggestion implying that the death of Christ on the Cross saved humanity from &quot;original&quot; sin (?!) and from all subsequent sins.
** [[Helena Roerich]], in ''Letters of Helena Roerich II'', (2 April 1936)
 
* It is generally taken for granted that we should all agree that [Christ was the best and the wisest of men]. I do not myself.
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''[[w:Why I am not a Christian|Why I am not a Christian]]'' (1927), &quot;The Character of Christ&quot;

* You will remember that Christ said, &quot;Judge not lest ye be judged.&quot; That principle I do not think you would find was popular in the law courts of Christian countries. I have known in my time quite a number of judges who were very earnest Christians, and none of them felt that they were acting contrary to Christian principles in what they did. Then Christ says, &quot;Give to him that asketh of thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away.&quot; That is a very good principle... Then there is one other maxim of Christ which I think has a great deal in it, but I do not find that it is very popular among some of our Christian friends. '''He says, &quot;If thou wilt be perfect, go and sell that which thou hast, and give to the poor.&quot; That is a very excellent maxim, but, as I say, it is not much practised.''' All these, I think, are good maxims, although they are a little difficult to live up to. '''I do not profess to live up to them myself; but then, after all, it is not quite the same thing as for a Christian.'''
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''[http://www.users.drew.edu/~jlenz/whynot.html Why I am not a Christian]'' (1927), &quot;The Character of Christ&quot;

* Having granted the excellence of these maxims, I come to certain points in which I do not believe that one can grant either the superlative wisdom or the superlative goodness of Christ as depicted in the Gospels... there one does find some things that do not seem to be very wise. For one thing, he certainly thought that His second coming would occur in clouds of glory before the death of all the people who were living at that time. There are a great many texts that prove that. He says, for instance, &quot;Ye shall not have gone over the cities of Israel till the Son of Man be come.&quot; Then he says, &quot;There are some standing here which shall not taste death till the Son of Man comes into His kingdom&quot;; and there are a lot of places where '''it is quite clear that He believed that His second coming would happen during the lifetime of many then living.''' That was the belief of His earlier followers, and it was the basis of a good deal of His moral teaching. When He said, &quot;Take no thought for the morrow,&quot; and things of that sort, it was very largely because He thought that the second coming was going to be very soon, and that all ordinary mundane affairs did not count. I have, as a matter of fact, known some Christians who did believe that the second coming was imminent. I knew a parson who frightened his congregation terribly by telling them that the second coming was very imminent indeed, but they were much consoled when they found that he was planting trees in his garden. The early Christians did really believe it, and they did abstain from such things as planting trees in their gardens, because they did accept from Christ the belief that the second coming was imminent. '''In that respect, clearly He was not so wise as some other people have been, and He was certainly not superlatively wise.'''
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''Why I am not a Christian'' (1927), &quot;Defects in Christ's Teaching&quot;

* '''There is one very serious defect to my mind in Christ's moral character, and that is that He believed in Hell.''' I do not myself feel that any person who is really profoundly humane can believe in everlasting punishment. Christ certainly as depicted in the Gospels did believe in everlasting punishment, and one does find repeatedly a vindictive fury against those people who would not listen to His preaching — an attitude which is not uncommon with preachers, but which does somewhat detract from superlative excellence... You will find that in the Gospels Christ said, &quot;Ye serpents, ye generation of vipers, how can ye escape the damnation of Hell.&quot; That was said to people who did not like His preaching. It is not really to my mind quite the best tone, and there are a great many of these things about Hell. There is, of course, the familiar text about the sin against the Holy Ghost: &quot;Whosoever speaketh against the Holy Ghost it shall not be forgiven him neither in this World nor in the world to come.&quot; That text has caused an unspeakable amount of misery in the world, for all sorts of people have imagined that they have committed the sin against the Holy Ghost, and thought that it would not be forgiven them either in this world or in the world to come. I really do not think that a person with a proper degree of kindliness in his nature would have put fears and terrors of that sort into the world.
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''Why I am not a Christian'' (1927), &quot;The Moral Problem&quot;

* Christ says, &quot;The Son of Man shall send forth His angels, and they shall gather out of His kingdom all things that offend, and them which do iniquity, and shall cast them into a furnace of fire; there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth&quot;; and He goes on about the wailing and gnashing of teeth. It comes in one verse after another, and it is quite manifest to the reader that there is a certain pleasure in contemplating wailing and gnashing of teeth, or else it would not occur so often. Then you all, of course, remember about the sheep and the goats; how at the second coming He is going to divide the sheep from the goats, and He is going to say to the goats: &quot;Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire.&quot; He continues: &quot;And these shall go away into everlasting fire.&quot; Then He says again, &quot;If thy hand offend thee, cut it off; it is better for thee to enter into life maimed, than having two hands to go into Hell, into the fire that never shall be quenched, where the worm dieth not and the fire is not quenched.&quot; He repeats that again and again also. '''I must say that I think all this doctrine, that Hell-fire is a punishment for sin, is a doctrine of cruelty.''' It is a doctrine that put cruelty into the world, and gave the world generations of cruel torture; and the Christ of the Gospels, if you could take Him as his chroniclers represent Him, would certainly have to be considered partly responsible for that.
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''Why I am not a Christian'' (1927), &quot;The Moral Problem&quot;

* There is the instance of the Gadarene swine, where it certainly was not very kind to the pigs to put the devils into them and make them rush down the hill into the sea. You must remember that He was omnipotent, and He could have made the devils simply go away; but He chose to send them into the pigs. Then there is the curious story of the fig-tree, which always rather puzzled me. You remember what happened about the fig-tree. &quot;He was hungry; and seeing a fig-tree afar off having leaves, He came if haply He might find anything thereon; and when he came to it He found nothing but leaves, for the time of figs was not yet. And Jesus answered and said unto it: 'No man eat fruit of thee hereafter for ever'.... and Peter.... saith unto Him: 'Master, behold the fig-tree which thou cursedst is withered away.'&quot; This is a very curious story, because it was not the right time of year for figs, and you really could not blame the tree. '''I cannot myself feel that either in the matter of wisdom or in the matter of virtue Christ stands quite as high as some other people known to History. I think I should put [[Gautama Buddha|Buddha]] and [[Socrates]] above Him in those respects.'''
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''Why I am not a Christian'' (1927), &quot;The Moral Problem&quot;

* Christ said &quot;Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself&quot; and when asked &quot;who is thy neighbour? went on to the parable of the [[w:Good Samaritan|Good Samaritan]]. If you wish to understand this parable as it was understood by his hearers, you should substitute &quot;Germans and Japanese&quot; for Samaritan. '''I fear my modern day Christians would resent such a substitution, because it would compel them to realize how far they have departed from the teachings of the founder of their religion.'''
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''[[Unpopular Essays]]'' (1950), Ch. 9: Ideas That Have Helped Mankind

* There was no point of controversy between Jesus and the Jews; Jesus brought no new doctrine unto them. Jesus said, What the masters in Israel teach, what the Pharisees and the Scribes teach, is perfectly correct. There was no dogma which was the cause of controversy between Jesus and the nation; there was no new custom that Jesus introduced: He went into the Temple every day. He observed the ordinances and festivals of Israel. What was the subject of dispute and controversy between Jesus and the Jews? It was no doctrine, it was no innovation, it was Jesus Himself whom they rejected. There was an antipathy in them to the person of Jesus: it was the Lord Himself whom they hated, because they hated the Father. . . . But Jesus knew . . . that it was because He was one with the Father, because He was the express image of His being, because He was the perfect manifestation of the character of God, that they hated Him; and therefore Jesus was pained, not because they hated Him, but because they hated in Him the Father.
** Adolph Saphir{{source}}

* Jesus then realized he had been brought here under false pretences, as the lamb is led to sacrifice and that his life had been planned for death since the very beginning. Remembering the river of blood and suffering that would flow from his side and flood the entire earth, he called out to the open sky where God could be seen smiling, '''Men, forgive Him, for He knows not what He has done.'''
** [[José Saramago]], ''[[w:The Gospel According to Jesus Christ|O Evangelho Segundo Jesus Cristo]]'' (1991); ''The Gospel According to Jesus Christ'', trans. [[w:Giovanni Pontiero|Giovanni Pontiero]] (1993), p. 341

* No sooner had Jesus knocked over the dragon of superstition than [[Paul of Tarsus|Paul]] boldly set it on its legs again in the name of Jesus.
** [[George Bernard Shaw]], ''Androcles and the Lion'' (1913)

* '''In the most deeply significant of the legends concerning Jesus, we are told how the [[devil]] took him up into a high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the [[world]] in a moment of [[time]]'''; and the devil said unto him: &quot;All this [[power]] will I give unto thee, and the [[glory]] of them, for that is delivered unto me, and to whomsoever I will, I give it. If thou, therefore, wilt worship me, all shall be thine.&quot; '''Jesus, as we know, answered and said &quot;Get thee behind me, [[Satan]]!&quot; And he really meant it; he would have nothing to do with worldly glory, with &quot;temporal power;&quot; he chose the career of a revolutionary agitator, and died the [[death]] of a disturber of the [[peace]].''' And for two or three centuries his church followed in his footsteps, cherishing his proletarian gospel. The early Christians had &quot;all things in common, except women;&quot; they lived as social outcasts, hiding in deserted catacombs, and being thrown to lions and boiled in oil. &lt;br /&gt; But the devil is a subtle worm; he does not give up at one defeat, for he knows human nature, and the strength of the forces which battle for him. '''He failed to get Jesus, but he came again, to get Jesus' church.''' He came when, through the power of the new revolutionary idea, the Church had won a position of tremendous power in the decaying Roman Empire; and the subtle worm assumed the guise of no less a person than [[Constantine the Great|the Emperor himself]], suggesting that he should become a convert to the new faith, so that the Church and he might work together for the greater glory of God. '''The bishops and fathers of the Church, ambitious for their organization, fell for this scheme, and Satan went off laughing to himself. He had got everything he had asked from Jesus three hundred years before; he had got the world's greatest religion.'''
** [[Upton Sinclair]], in ''The Profits of Religion : An Essay in Economic Interpretation'' (1918), Book Seven : The Church of the Social Revolution, &quot;Christ and Caesar&quot;

* At its beginnings there was very powerful meditation on the presence of Christ in the oppressed [[w:Indigenous peoples of the Americas|Indians]], which objectively pointed toward a [[w:Christology|christology]] of the &quot;[[w:body of Christ|body of Christ]].&quot; [[w:Felipe Guaman Poma de Ayala|Guamán Poma]], for example, said, &quot;By faith we know clearly that where there is a poor person there is Jesus Christ himself,&quot; and [[Bartolomé de las Casas]] declared, &quot;In the Indies I leave Jesus Christ, our God, being whipped and afflicted, and buffeted and crucified, not once but thousands of times, as often as the Spaniards assault and destroy those people.&quot; But this original [[w:Christology|christological]] insight did not thrive, and what became the tradition was a christology based on the dogmatic formulas, in which&amp;mdash;however well they were known and understood&amp;mdash;what was stressed was the [[w:Hypostatic union|divinity of Christ]] rather than his real and lived humanity.
** [[Jon Sobrino]], ''Jesus the Liberator'' (1991), p. 11

* The sublime title &quot;[[wikt:Χριστός|Christ]]&quot; is an adjective which only receives its specific value from the specificity of the noun, [[w:Jesus of Nazareth|Jesus of Nazareth]]. If Jesus is forgotten, then it becomes possible to fill the adjective with whatever suits at the time, without checking whether Jesus was like that or not, or whether this means leaving the world sunk in its wretchedness or not; or worse still, without asking if this image legitimates the tragedy of the world or brings liberation from it.
** [[Jon Sobrino]], ''Jesus the Liberator'' (1991), p. 15

* '''Christ did not ask or want to be what he was not.'''
** [[Dejan Stojanovic]], in ''The Sun Watches the Sun'' (1999) “Christ” (Sequence: “Is It Possible to Write a Poem”)

* Burning the witch [[Giordano Bruno]] is one more wound inflicted on [[w:Christ|Christ]]’s body.
** [[Dejan Stojanovic]], in ''The Sun Watches the Sun'' (1999) “Christ” (Sequence: “Is It Possible to Write a Poem”)

* The two main Pillars of our Civilization,&lt;br /&gt;Jesus and [[Shakespeare]] said:&lt;br /&gt;&quot;Nothing shall be impossible to Humans&quot; (Jesus)&lt;br /&gt;&quot;Impossibility is only seemingly impossible&quot; (Shak.)
** B. B. Stoller, ''[[Biologizing the Universe]]'' (1983)

* Few subsequent gurus seem to have matched the simplicity and directness of Jesus′s message; but it must be remembered that we have very little information. If the world had possessed a detailed biographical account of Jesus, an authentic picture of what he was like as a man, it is quite possible that Christianity would not have been estabished as a world religion.
** [[Anthony Storr]], ''Feet of Clay; Saints, Sinners, and Madmen: A Study of Gurus'' (New York: Free Press Paperbacks, 1997), p. 147

* Where is my faith? Even deep down … there is nothing but emptiness and darkness … If there be God—please forgive me. When I try to raise my thoughts to Heaven, there is such convicting emptiness that those very thoughts return like sharp knives and hurt my very soul … How painful is this unknown pain—I have no Faith. Repulsed, empty, no faith, no love, no zeal, … What do I labor for? If there be no God, there can be no soul. If there be no soul then, Jesus, You also are not true.
** [[Mother Teresa]], ''Letters''. {{cite book | title = Mother Teresa: Come Be My Light | last = Teresa | first = Mother | last2 = Kolodiejchuk | first2 = Brian | year = 2007 | publisher = Doubleday | location = New York | isbn = 0385520379 | url = http://books.google.com/books?id=EVaPAgAACAAJ&amp;dq=Mother+Teresa:+Come+Be+My+Light }}

* '''This doctrine of the [[w:Kingdom of Heaven|Kingdom of Heaven]], which was the main teaching of [[Jesus]], and which plays so small a part in the [[Christian]] creeds, is certainly one of the most revolutionary doctrines that ever stirred and changed [[human]] [[thought]].''' It is small [[wonder]] if, the [[world]] of that time failed to grasp its full significance, and recoiled in dismay from even a half apprehension of its tremendous [[challenges]] to the established [[habits]] and institutions of [[mankind]]. It is small wonder if the hesitating convert and disciple presently went back to the old familiar ideas of temple and altar, of fierce deity and propitiatory observance, of consecrated priest and magic blessing, and these things being attended to reverted then to the dear old habitual life of hates and profits and competition and pride. '''For the doctrine of the Kingdom of Heaven, as Jesus seems to have preached it, was no less than a bold and uncompromising demand for a complete change and cleansing of the life of our struggling race, an utter cleansing, without and within.'''
** [[H. G. Wells]], in ''[[w:The Outline of History|The Outline of History : Being a Plain History of Life and Mankind]]'' (1920), &quot;The Teachings of Jesus of Nazareth&quot;

* You cannot claim to worship Jesus in the tabernacle if you do not pity Jesus in the slum.
** [[Frank Weston]], Address to the Second Anglo-Catholic Congress (1923), in ''Radical Christian Writings: A Reader'' (2002), p. 200

* A dichotomy between the religious and the social must be imported into the &amp;#91;[[New Testament]]&amp;#93;; it cannot be found there. The &quot;cross&quot; of Jesus was a political punishment; and when Christians are made to suffer by government it is usually because because of the practical import of their faith, and the doubt they cast upon the rulers' claim to be &quot;Benefactor.&quot;
** [[John Howard Yoder]], ''The Politics of Jesus'' (1972), p. 125

* Reward for information leading to the apprehension of — &lt;br /&gt; '''Jesus [[Christ|Christ]] &lt;br /&gt; Wanted — For Sedition, [[w:Christian anarchism|Criminal Anarchy]] — Vagrancy, and Conspiring to Overthrow the Established Government.''' &lt;br /&gt; Dresses poorly, said to be a carpenter by trade, ill-nourished, has visionary ideas, associates with common working people, the unemployed and bums. Alien — believed to be a Jew. Alias: &quot;Prince of Peace. Son of Man.&quot; &quot;Light of the world&quot; &amp;c. &amp;c. Professional Agitator, Red beard, marks on hands and feet the result of injuries inflicted by an angry mob led by respectable citizens and legal authorities.
** [[w:Art Young|Art Young]], Jesus Christ &quot;wanted-poster&quot; political cartoon in ''[[w:The Masses|The Masses]]'' (1 November 1917)

* The world of Jesus is the world of sunlight by comparison with that of all the sages and philosophers and the schoolmen of any country. Like the Jungfrau which stands above the glaciers in the world of snow and seems to touch heaven itself, Jesus' teachings have that immediacy and clarity and simplicity which puts to shame all other efforts of men's minds to know God or to inquire after God.
** [[Lin Yutang]], ''From Pagan to Christian'' (1959), p. 223

* At the time of the Crucifixion the dogwood had been the size of the oak and other forest trees. So firm and strong was the tree that it was chosen as the timber for the cross. To be used thus for such a cruel purpose greatly distressed the tree, and Jesus, nailed upon it, sensed this, and, in His gentle pity for all sorrow and suffering, said to it: &quot;Because of your regret and pity for My suffering, never again shall the dogwood tree grow large enough to be used as a cross. &lt;br /&gt; &quot;Henceforth it shall be slender and bent and twisted and its blossoms shall be in the form of a cross—two long and two short petals. And in the center of each petal there will be nail prints, brown with rust and stained with red, and in the center of the flower will be a crown of thorns, and all who see it will remember&quot;.
** Author unknown, &quot;Legend of the Dogwood&quot;; reported in Maxwell Droke, ''The Speaker's Special Occasion Book'' (1954), p. 159–60

====''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations''====
:&lt;small&gt;Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 114–115.&lt;/small&gt;

* There is a green hill far away, &lt;br /&gt; Without a city wall, &lt;br /&gt; Where the dear Lord was crucified &lt;br /&gt; Who died to save us all.
** [[Cecil Frances Alexander]], ''There is a Green Hill''

*Fundamentally, our Lord's message was Himself. He did not come merely to preach a Gospel; He himself is that Gospel. He did not come merely to give bread; He said, &quot;I am the bread&quot;. He did not come merely to shed light; He said, &quot;I am the light&quot;. He did not come merely to show the door; He said, &quot;I am the door&quot;. He did not come merely to name a shepherd; He said, &quot;I am the shepherd&quot;. He did not come merely to point the way; He said, &quot;I am the way, the truth, and the life&quot;.
** [[J. Sidlow Baxter]], ''Baxter's Explore the Book'' (1987) p. 308.

* Hail, O bleeding Head and wounded, &lt;br /&gt; With a crown of thorns surrounded, &lt;br /&gt; Buffeted, and bruised and battered, &lt;br /&gt; Smote with reed by striking shattered, &lt;br /&gt; Face with spittle vilely smeared! &lt;br /&gt; Hail, whose visage sweet and comely, &lt;br /&gt; Marred by fouling stains and homely, &lt;br /&gt; Changed as to its blooming color, &lt;br /&gt; All now turned to deathly pallor, &lt;br /&gt; Making heavenly hosts affeared!
** [[St. Bernard of Clairvaux]], ''Passion Hymn'', 'Braham Coles' translation

* In every pang that rends the heart &lt;br /&gt; The Man of Sorrows had a part.
** [[Michael Bruce]], ''Gospel Sonnets'', ''Christ Ascended''. Attributed to John Logan, who issued the poems with emendations of his own. &quot;Every pang that rends the heart.&quot; See also [[Oliver Goldsmith]], ''The Captivity''

* Lovely was the death &lt;br /&gt; Of Him whose life was Love! Holy with power, &lt;br /&gt; He on the thought-benighted Skeptic beamed &lt;br /&gt; Manifest Godhead.
** [[Samuel Taylor Coleridge]], ''Religious Musings'', line 29

* A pagan heart, a Christian soul had he. &lt;br /&gt; He followed Christ, yet for dead Pan he sighed, &lt;br /&gt; As if Theocritus in Sicily &lt;br /&gt; Had come upon the Figure crucified, &lt;br /&gt; And lost his gods in deep, Christ-given rest.
** [[Maurice Francis Egan]], ''Maurice de Gurin''

* Fra Lippo, we have learned from thee &lt;br /&gt; A lesson of humanity: &lt;br /&gt; To every mother's heart forlorn, &lt;br /&gt; In every house the Christ is born.
** [[R. W. Gilder]], ''A Madonna of Fra Lippo Lippi''

* In darkness there is no choice. It is light that enables us to see the differences between things; and it is Christ that gives us light.
** J. C. and A. W. Hare, ''Guesses at Truth''

* Who did leave His Father's throne, &lt;br /&gt; To assume thy flesh and bone? &lt;br /&gt; Had He life, or had He none? &lt;br /&gt; If he had not liv'd for thee, &lt;br /&gt; Thou hadst died most wretchedly &lt;br /&gt; And two deaths had been thy fee.
** [[George Herbert]], ''The Church'', ''Business''

* ''Vicisti, Galliloæ.''
** Thou hast conquered, O Galilæan.
** Attributed to [[Julian the Apostate]]. [[Montaigne]], ''Essays'', Book II, Chapter XIX. Claim dismissed by German and French scholars. Emperor Justinian at the dedication of the Cathedral of St. Sophia, built on the plan of the Temple of Jerusalem, said: &quot;I have vanquished thee, O Solomon&quot;

* All His glory and beauty come from within, and there He delights to dwell, His visits there are frequent, His conversation sweet, His comforts refreshing; and His peace passing all understanding.
** [[Thomas à Kempis]], ''Imitation of Christ'', Book II, Chapter I. Dibdin's translation

* Into the woods, my Master went, &lt;br /&gt; Clean forspent, forspent. &lt;br /&gt; Into the woods my Master came, &lt;br /&gt; Forspent with love and shame. &lt;br /&gt; But the olives they were not blind to Him, &lt;br /&gt; The little gray leaves were kind to Him: &lt;br /&gt; The thorn-tree had a mind to Him, &lt;br /&gt; When into the woods He came.
** [[Sidney Lanier]], ''A Ballad of Trees and the Master''

* God never gave man a thing to do concerning which it were irreverent to ponder how the Son of God would have done it.
** [[George MacDonald]], ''The Marquis of Lossie'', Volume II, Chapter XVII

* The foxes have holes, and the birds of the air have nests; but the Son of Man hath not where to lay his head.
** Matthew, VIII. 20

* For man he seems &lt;br /&gt; In all his lineaments, though in his face &lt;br /&gt; The glimpses of his Fathers glory shine.
** [[John Milton]], ''Paradise Regain'd'' (originally published in 1671), lines 91–93; in ''The Works of John Milton'' (1931), vol. 2, part 2, p. 408. Satan is speaking of Christ.

* The Pilot of the Galilean Lake.
** [[John Milton]], ''Lycidas'', line 109

* Near, so very near to God, &lt;br /&gt; Nearer I cannot be; &lt;br /&gt; For in the person of his Son &lt;br /&gt; I am as near as he.
** [[Catesby Paget]], ''Hymn''

* But chiefly Thou, &lt;br /&gt; Whom soft-eyed Pity once led down from Heaven &lt;br /&gt; To bleed for man, to teach him how to live, &lt;br /&gt; And, oh! still harder lesson! how to die.
** [[Beilby Porteus]], ''Death'', line 316

* The sublime title &quot;[[wikt:Χριστός|Christ]]&quot; is an adjective which only receives its specific value from the specificity of the noun, [[w:Jesus of Nazareth|Jesus of Nazareth]]. If Jesus is forgotten, then it becomes possible to fill the adjective with whatever suits at the time, without checking whether Jesus was like that or not, or whether this means leaving the world sunk in its wretchedness or not; or worse still, without asking if this image legitimates the tragedy of the world or brings liberation from it.
** [[Jon Sobrino]], ''Jesus the Liberator'' (1991), p. 15

* Thou hast conquered, O pale Galilean; &lt;br /&gt; The world has grown gray from thy breath; &lt;br /&gt; We have drunken from things Lethean, &lt;br /&gt; And fed on the fullness of death.
** [[Algernon Charles Swinburne]], ''Hymn to Proserpine''

* And so the Word had breath, and wrought &lt;br /&gt; With human hands the creed of creeds &lt;br /&gt; In loveliness of perfect deeds, &lt;br /&gt; More strong than all poetic thoughts; &lt;br /&gt; Which he may read that binds the sheaf, &lt;br /&gt; Or builds the house, or digs the grave, &lt;br /&gt; And those wild eyes that watch the waves &lt;br /&gt; In roarings round the coral reef.
** [[Alfred Tennyson]], ''[[In Memoriam A.H.H.]]'' (1849), XXXVI

* His love at once and dread instruct our thought; &lt;br /&gt; As man He suffer'd and as God He taught.
** [[Edmund Waller]], ''Of Divine Love'', Canto III, line 41

* Even to atheists he is the supremely good man, the exemplar and moral authority with whom no one may disagree.
** [[Alan Watts]], ''Beyond Theology: The Art of Godmanship'' (1964)

* Whosoever on the night of the nativity of the young Lord Jesus, in the great snows, shall fare forth bearing a succulent bone for the lost and lamenting hounds, a wisp of hay for the shivering horse, a cloak of warm raiment for the stranded wayfarer, a bundle of fagots for the twittering crone, a flagon of red wine for him whose marrow withers, a garland of bright red berries for one who has worn chains, a dish of crumbs with a song of love for all huddled birds who thought that song was dead, and divers lush sweetmeats for such babes' faces as peer from lonely windows, to him shall be proffered and returned gifts of such an astonishment as will rival the hues of the peacock and the harmonies of heaven, so that though he live to the great age when man goes stooping and querulous because of the nothing that is left of him, yet shall he walk upright and remembering, as one whose heart shines like a great star in his breast.
** Author unknown; reported in ''Respectfully Quoted: A Dictionary of Quotations'' (1989)

===The Twenty-First Century===
[[File:Caravaggio 001.jpg|thumb|God in Christ is a different kind of lord who is not in solidarity with the powerful but in solidarity with the lowly. ~ [[Joerg Rieger]]]]
[[File:ChristandThorns.jpg|thumb|Jesus...is the final priest who makes all priesthood obsolete&amp;mdash;not merely the performance of ritual sacrifice, but the office, pomp and circumstance of priestly authority and hierarchy itself. ~ Ronald E. Osborn]]

* Jesus is a remarkable person... He was on his way to becoming [[w:Christ|Christ]], and he made it.
** [[Ray Bradbury]], as quoted in [http://articles.cnn.com/2010-08-02/living/Bradbury_1_ray-bradbury-dandelion-wine-sam-weller?_s=PM:LIVING Sci-fi legend &quot;Ray Bradbury on God, 'monsters and angels'&quot; by John Blake, ''CNN : Living'' (2 August 2010)]

* [[Arius]] began to say things like this in his sermons and writings: &quot;If God and Christ were equal then Christ should be called God’s brother, not God’s Son.&quot; People puzzled about that. They were hearing now something different from this presbyter than they were hearing from the bishop. And Arius also created the very famous saying, &quot;There was a time when He was not.&quot; &quot;There was a time when the Son did not exist.&quot; So in his view, Christ became what we could call a third thing. He is neither God nor is He man, but something in between. There is God and there is the Son and there is the rest of creation. So rather than having two things you have a ''tertium quid'', a third thing — neither god nor man.
** David Calhoun, in ''Ancient &amp; Medieval Church History'' (2006), Lesson 12 &lt;!-- Dead link: http://worldwidefreeresources.com/upload/CH310_T_12.pdf --&gt;

* It's often said of Jesus that he could have saved himself, but he chose not to. And if you read the Gospels it's clear that he could have talked himself out of that crucifixion quite easily, but he was just too stubborn. The Romans didn't really want to kill him at all, but in the end they went along with it because he was being such a prick about it. The truth is he couldn't wait to get up on that cross. In fact, I think Christianity only exists because Jesus Christ just happened to be a masochist. I think he took one look at the hammer and nails and he couldn't believe his luck. He thought, &quot;Well, in three days I'll be in Heaven, but until then I'm going to enjoy myself.&quot;
** [[Pat Condell]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RCPwdfQyxe4 ''Happy Easter''] ([[April 5]], 2007; from [[w:YouTube|YouTube]])

* I've heard it suggested from some people that Christians are so irrationally obsessed with [homosexuality] because deep down they're terrified that Jesus himself might have been gay. There's no real evidence for it, but then there's no real evidence for anything to do with religion. So yeah, I'll buy it. Well, keep an open mind, that's what I always say. … If we take the actual Gospels as gospel then what we've got is a man in his thirties, unmarried in a culture where it's almost unheard of for a man of thirty to be unmarried. Plus, come on, you can't ignore the twelve boyfriends, especially when there's a missing passage from the Gospel of Mark that actually describes Jesus spending a night with a naked youth. We're told that the youth came to Jesus wearing a linen cloth over his naked body, and stayed with him that night, 'for Jesus taught him the mystery of the kingdom of God.' I bet he did. Along with one or two other little mysteries while he was at it. Well, why not? He was only human. The apostle John repeatedly refers to himself as the one who Jesus specially loved. I don't know whether he meant it &quot;in the Greek manner&quot;, so to speak, but what would it matter if he did? This is the point. If Jesus was gay, would it negate the teachings and the parables? Would the Sermon on the Mount lose its authority if preached by the queen of queens rather than the king of kings? And if somebody could prove historically, beyond all doubt, that Jesus was in fact homosexual, would Christians then reject Jesus, or would they reject the evidence as usual? Your guess is as good as mine. From what I've read in the Gospels, I think Jesus was a pretty common sense sort of person, and I don't think he would have had a problem with anybody being who they are. I do think, though, that he had a problem with people who pretend to be one thing while being another.
** [[Pat Condell]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ReYfDlIa-Z8 ''Was Jesus gay?''] ([[November 2]], 2007; from [[w:YouTube|YouTube]])

*Jesus of Nazareth (4.0) 6 1 1 2 1 (His point in evolution &amp; rays)  
**[[Benjamin Creme]] in The List of [[Initiation (theosophy)|Initiates]], Their rays and stage of evolution, as published in ''Maitreya’s Mission Volumes One, Two and Three'', as well as those published in ''Share International'' between April 1997 and August 2014.

* Of course Jesus was a theist, but that is the least interesting thing about him. He was a theist because, in his time, everybody was. Atheism was not an option, even for so radical a thinker as Jesus. What was interesting and remarkable about Jesus was not the obvious fact that he believed in the God of his Jewish religion, but that he rebelled against many aspects of Yahweh's vengeful nastiness. At least in the teachings that are attributed to him, he publicly advocated niceness and was one of the first to do so. To those steeped in the Sharia-like cruelties of Leviticus and Deuteronomy; to those brought up to fear the vindictive, Ayatollah-like God of Abraham and Isaac, a charismatic young preacher who advocated generous forgiveness must have seemed radical to the point of subversion. No wonder they nailed him.
** [[Richard Dawkins]], essay ''[http://old.richarddawkins.net/articles/20-atheists-for-jesus Atheists for Jesus]'' (April 2006)

[[File:Juan de Juanes 002.jpg|thumb|Jesus Christ—who, as it turns out, was born of a virgin, cheated death, and rose bodily into the heavens—can now be eaten in the form of a cracker.~ [[Sam Harris]]]]

* “Gentle Jesus, meek and mild.
** [[Richard Dawkins]] as quoted by [[w:Alister McGrath|Alister McGrath]], &quot;''The Dawkins Delusion: Atheist Fundamentalism and the Denial of the Divine''&quot; (2011)

* In 1939, in a stadium much like this, in Munich Germany, they packed it out with young men and women in brown shirts, for a fanatical man standing behind a podium named Adolf Hitler, the personification of evil. And in that stadium, those in brown shirts formed with their bodies a sign that said, in the whole stadium, &quot;Hitler, we are yours.&quot; And they nearly took the world. Lenin once said, &quot;give me 100 committed, totally committed men and I'll change the world.&quot; And, he nearly did. A few years ago, they took the sayings of Chairman Mao, in China, put them in a little red book, and a group of young people committed them to memory and put it in their minds and they took that nation, the largest nation in the world by storm because they committed to memory the sayings of the Chairman Mao. When I hear those kinds of stories, I think 'what would happen if American Christians, if world Christians, if just the Christians in this stadium, followers of Christ, would say 'Jesus, we are yours'? What kind of spiritual awakening would we have?
** Pastor [[Rick Warren]] (17 April [[2005]]) speech at the Anaheim Angels sports stadium, [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bruce-wilson/follow-jesus-like-nazis-f_b_158295.html transcript and video]

* Jesus Christ—who, as it turns out, was born of a virgin, cheated death, and rose bodily into the heavens—can now be eaten in the form of a cracker.
** [[Sam Harris]], ''The End of Faith'' (2004), p. 73

* If you wake up tomorrow morning thinking that saying a few Latin words over your pancakes is going to turn them into the body of [[Elvis Presley]], you have lost your mind. But if you think more or less the same thing about a cracker and the body of Jesus, you're just a Catholic.
** [[Sam Harris]], [[w:Notre Dame University|Notre Dame]] [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ljXCHgPaZO4 debate] with William Lane Craig, 7&amp;nbsp;April 2011

* The god of Moses would call for other tribes, including his favorite one, to suffer massacre and plague and even extirpation, but when the grave closed over his victims he was essentially finished with them unless he remembered to curse their succeeding progeny. Not until the advent of the Prince of Peace do we hear of the ghastly idea of further punishing and torturing the dead.
** [[w:Christopher Hitchens|Christopher Hitchens]], ''[[God is Not Great|God is not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything]]'', pp.&amp;nbsp;175–176 (2007)}

* [Christ of Revelation] comes forth as one who no longer seeks either friendship or love … His garments are dipped in blood, the blood of others. He descends that he may shed the blood of men.
** Isaac Haldemann, quoted by [[w:Karen Armstrong|Karen Armstrong]] (2007) in ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=abDXgrePDLUC&amp;pg=PA209&amp;dq=isaac+haldemann&amp;sig=-BYPkXqdcqeeRhAMQx3PhTQw4Nc The Bible: A Biography]'', p. 209

* [[Jesus]] is great — is there a better role model? No. It's religion, it's the people who get in between — the bureaucracy, you know. … It's the way people abuse Jesus. Was there ever a greater victim of name dropping?
** [[Bill Maher]], ''Be More Cynical'' (2000) - [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h4WMBzived0 YouTube clip &quot;Bill Maher on Jesus&quot;]
** Variants: '''I love Jesus. I just don’t like the Christians who don’t believe in what he says.'''
*** [http://www.billmaher.com/?page_id=145 ''Realtime'' (7 October 2005)]
**''' Jesus, as a philosopher is wonderful. There's no greater role model, in my view, than Jesus Christ.''' It's just a shame that most of the people who follow him and call themselves Christians act nothing like him.
*** Interviewed on ''The O'Reilly Factor'' (26 September 2006) - [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2555oNAMcfA YouTube clip &quot;Fox's O'Reilly: Bill Maher Looks Bigoted Not John Rocker?&quot;]

* '''Jesus ... is the final priest who makes all priesthood obsolete — not merely the performance of ritual sacrifice, but the office, pomp and circumstance of priestly authority and hierarchy itself.''' Instead of deferring to any caste of religious hierarchs, followers of the Way are thus now summoned to collectively ''be'' a &quot;royal priesthood,&quot; a &quot;chosen race&quot; or &quot;holy nation&quot; built not upon offices of any kind but upon transferred allegiance to God's in-breaking &quot;kingdom.&quot;
** Ronald E. Osborn, ''Anarchy and Apocalypse : Essays on Faith, Violence, and Theodicy'' (2010), pp.35–36

* Although Christ commits many acts that might be considered revolutionary […] He is nonetheless explicitly portrayed in the Gospels as the master of [[tradition]].
** [[Jordan Peterson]], ''[[Beyond Order]]'' (2021), p. 197

* God in Christ is a different kind of lord who is not in solidarity with the powerful but in solidarity with the lowly. ... This position&amp;mdash;at the heart of the new world proclaimed by [[Paul of Tarsus|Paul]]&amp;mdash;directly contradicts the logic of the Roman Empire.
** [[Joerg Rieger]], ''Christ and Empire'' (2007), p. 52

* I wear this Saint Christopher medal sometimes because — I'm Jewish — but my boyfriend is Catholic. It was cute, the way he gave it to me. He said if it doesn't burn through my skin, it will protect me. Who cares? Different religions. &lt;br /&gt; The only time it's an issue, I suppose, would be like if you're having a baby and you've got to figure out how you want to raise it. Which still wouldn't be an issue for us, because we'd be … honest, and just say, you know, like, &quot;Mommy is one of the chosen people … and daddy believes that Jesus is ''[[magic]]''!&quot;
** [[Sarah Silverman]] in ''[[w:Sarah Silverman: Jesus Is Magic|Jesus Is Magic]]'' (2005)

* I don't believe in Jesus or [[God]]. But I do believe that fundamentalists in religion or anything else are bad, and that they have more hate than love. Jesus' words have become so perverted over time — it's been like a [[w:Chinese whispers|game of telephone]]. If he existed, Jesus would fuckin' kill himself.
** [[Sarah Silverman]], in an interview with boyfriend [[Jimmy Kimmel]] for ''Esquire'' magazine (January 2007)

* Jesus is said to have said on the cross, &quot;My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?&quot; Because Jesus was insane and the God he thought would rescue him did not exist. And he died on that cross like a fool. He fancied himself the son of God and he could barely convince twelve men to follow him at a time when the world was full of superstition.
** [[w:Cenk Uygur|Cenk Uygur]], [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/cenk-uygur/if-youre-a-christian-musl_b_9349.html &quot;If You're a Christian, Muslim or Jew - You are Wrong&quot;, ''The Huffington Post'' (25 May 2011)]

* &quot;It {{anchor|WenhamJW2005}}now seems to me that these resurrection stories exhibit in a remarkable way the well-known characteristics of accurate and independent reporting, for superficially they show great disharmony, but on close examination the details gradually fall into place.&quot; (Wenham 2005 p11.)
**&quot;I first became interested in the subject in 1945 when living in Jerusalem....&quot; (Wenham 2005 p10.) [John Wenham also wrote &quot;The Elements of New Testament Greek&quot; (Cambridge: Cambridge University Press, 1965, 1991).]
**&quot;None of them [the gospel writers and Paul] attempts to tell the whole story; all would echo John's closing words: &quot;There are also many other things which Jesus did; were every one of them to be written, I suppose that the world itself could not contain the books that would be written.&quot;&quot; (Wenham 2005 p43.)
**&quot;Bethany was nearly two miles from the city....&quot; (Wenham 2005 p45.)
**&quot;… the Paschal full moon.&quot; (Wenham 2005 p49.)
**&quot;...it could have been undeniably dark on the women's departure and undeniably light on their arrival, particularly if their starting-point were Bethany.... the words &quot;went&quot; in Matthew, Mark and Luke [RSV] translate the same verb as the &quot;came&quot; in John.... If John is thinking of Mary Magdalene setting off from Bethany, the translation &quot;went to the tomb early, while it was still dark&quot; would be precisely accurate.&quot; (Wenham 2005 pp81f re John 20:1.)
**&quot;Mary's words '&lt;i&gt;we&lt;/i&gt; do not know where they have laid him' clearly imply the presence of other women.&quot; (Wenham 2005 p91, emphasis Wenham's, re John 20:2.)
**&quot;… an angel, depicted as all biblical angels are, not as a winged creature, but as a man. The two-winged cherubim and six-winged seraphim are scarcely angels.&quot; (Wenham 2005 p85.)
**&quot;If witnesses, who had been in the tomb at the same time, had been asked independently, &quot;Precisely how many men did you see?&quot; and had given different answers, that would have shown one or other to be unreliable. But these witnesses are not answering the question &quot;How many?&quot;, they are giving (as all descriptions must be) incomplete descriptions of a complex event.&quot; (Wenham 2005 p87.)
**&quot;John.... saw, not disorder left by grave-robbers, but the visible tokens of his master set free from the bonds of death.&quot; (Wenham 2005 p93 re John 20:8 &quot;saw, and believed&quot;.)
**&quot;As the two appearances [of the Saviour] are distinct, that to Mary Magdalene must be put first (as Mark 16:9 says) and the second must be put at a sufficient interval after the women's flight from the tomb to allow for all the comings and goings recorded by John.... this [second] meeting [Matthew 28:9,10 &quot;Jesus met them&quot;] somewhere on the track between Jerusalem and Bethany....&quot; (Wenham 2005 p95f.)
*** [[w:John Wenham|John W Wenham,]] (1984, 1992, 2005), &quot;Easter Enigma – Are the Resurrection Accounts in Conflict?&quot; Milton Keynes, England: Paternoster. Eugene, Oregon: Wipf &amp; Stock. Chapters 7–11

* There's a lot of need for Jesus, so there is a lot of Jesus.
** the Nordic god [[w:Wuotan|Wuotan]] in the speculative fiction television series ''[[American Gods (TV series)|American Gods]]'' (first season, 2017)

==See also==
* [[Ageless Wisdom teachings]]
* [[Bible]]
* [[Christ]]
* [[Christianity]]
* [[Christian anarchism]]
* [[Gospel of John]]
* [[Gospel of Luke]]
* [[Gospel of Mark]]
* [[Gospel of Matthew]]
* [[Gospel of Thomas]]
* [[Masters of Wisdom]]
* [[New Testament]]
* [[Prophecies]]
* [[Race and appearance of Jesus]]
* [[Second Coming]]

==External links==
{{Wikipedia}}{{Wiktionary}}{{commonscat|Jesus Christ}}{{wikisource author|Jesus of Nazareth}}
*{{nndb name|774/000027693}}

A Brief List of further sources of the statements of Jesus, and information on various Christian Scriptures and Doctrines.

'''Canonical Scripture:'''
* [http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/cgi-bin/search/t9.cgi?entry=10a&amp;full=yes&amp;ftpsite= Gutenberg eText of the ''King James Version'' of the ''Holy Bible''] recognized as one of the most beautiful but not necessarily perfect translations by most Protestant denominations; it is the most quoted translation by English-speaking people, Christian and non-Christian.
* [http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/cgi-bin/search/t9.cgi?entry=124&amp;full=yes&amp;ftpsite= Gutenberg eText of &quot;Old Testament&quot; Apocrypha]
* [http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/cgi-bin/search/t9.cgi?entry=1581&amp;full=yes&amp;ftpsite= Gutenberg eText of a &quot;Douay-Rheims&quot; version of the ''Holy Bible''] such as is recommended by Roman Catholic authorities.
* [http://www.usccb.org/nab/bible New American Bible]

'''Gospel of Thomas:'''
* [http://www.gnostic.org/gospel_thomas/compare_gosp_thom7.htm 5 translations of the Coptic text presented in parallel format, + 3 from the Greek]
*[http://www.gospelthomas.com/cgi-bin/grondin?saying=1 SPLIT SCREEN Versions of ''The Gospel of Thomas''] This is one of the most informative presentations available, for those whose browsers will permit its use.
* [http://www.sacred-texts.com/chr/thomas.htm '''Gospel of Thomas'''] as translated by Lambdin from the Coptic texts; and Grenfell, Hunt, and Layton from the Greek fragments
*[http://www.earlychristianwritings.com/thomas/ '''Gospel of Thomas''' + Commentary]
*[http://web.archive.org/web/20081003185050/http://www.geocities.com/Athens/9068/ Coptic-English INTERLINEAL Gospel of Thomas]
* List of ''[http://www.earlychristianwritings.com/thomas.html Gospel of Thomas]'' versions Online

'''Other Christian and Spiritual Writings:'''
* [http://www.sacred-texts.com/chr/index.htm Christian Texts at Sacred-Texts.com]
* [http://www.sacred-texts.com/chr/ecf.htm Early Writings of Christian Leaders]
*[http://www.earlychristianwritings.com/onlinebooks.html Christian Writings]
*[http://www.ccel.org/ Christian Classics Ethereal Library]
*[http://www.sacred-texts.com/index.htm Sacred Texts of the World's Faiths]

[[Category:God]]
[[Category:1st century deaths]]
[[Category:People from Bethlehem]]
[[Category:People from Nazareth]]
[[Category:Islamic mythology]]
[[Category:Prophets]]
[[Category:Philosophers]]
[[Category:Founders of religions]]
[[Category:Self-declared messiahs]]
[[Category:Executed people]]
[[Category:Israeli Jews]]
[[Category:Palestinian Jews]]
[[Category:Mystics]]
[[Category:Occultists]]
[[Category:Spiritual teachers]]</text>
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      <text bytes="434419" xml:space="preserve">[[File:William-Adolphe Bouguereau The Virgin With Angels.jpg|thumb|You shall [[know]] the [[truth]], and the truth shall set you [[free]]. ]]
'''[[w:Jesus|Jesus of Nazareth]]''' (c. 4 BC - AD 30 / 33), also known as '''Jesus [[Christ]]''', '''[[w:Yeshua|Yeshua]]''', '''[[w:Jesus in the Talmud|Yeshu]]''', and '''[[w:Jesus in Islam|Isa]]''', is the central figure of [[Christianity]], a [[Philosophy|philosopher]] and [[w:Rabbi|teacher]]. He is believed to be the [[Messiah]] of ultimate salvation and the [[w:Son of God|Son of God]] by followers of [[Christianity|Christian]] traditions. [[w:Manichaeism|Manichaeans]], [[Gnosticism|Gnostics]], [[Islam|Muslims]], [[Bahá'í Faith|Bahá'ís]], and others have found prominent places for Jesus in their religions.
:''All Biblical quotes in this article should specify the translation or version which is being used''.
[[File:Leonardo da Vinci, Salvator Mundi, c.1500, oil on walnut, 45.4 × 65.6 cm.jpg|thumb|[[Repent]]: for the [[w:Kingdom of Heaven (Gospel of Matthew)|kingdom of heaven]] is at [[hand]].]]
[[File:Christ, by Heinrich Hofmann.jpg|thumb|A new [[command|commandment]] I give unto you, That ye [[love]] one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall [[all]] [[men]] [[know]] that ye are my [[disciples]], if ye have love one to another.]]
[[File:Кошелев Николай Голова Христа.jpg|thumb|Those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who [[humble]] themselves will be exalted.]]
[[File:1135 Mosaikikone mit Christus dem Barmherzigen Bodemuseum anagoria.JPG|thumb|The [[Spirit]] of [[God|the Lord]] is on me, because he has anointed me to proclaim [[good]] [[news]] to the [[poor]]. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the [[prisoners]] and recovery of [[sight]] for the [[blind]], to set the [[oppressed]] free, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor.]]
[[File:Cristo entra a gerusalemme, dall'oratorio di giovanni VII già in san pietro, 705-706.jpg|thumb|&quot;When saw we thee [[sick]], or in [[prison]], and came unto thee?&quot; Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my [[brethren]], ye have done it unto me.]]
[[File:Hoffman-ChristAndTheRichYoungRuler.jpg|thumb| For it is easier for a [[camel]] to go through a needle's [[eye]], than for a [[rich]] man to enter into the [[kingdom of God]].]]
[[File:Himmelfartsbillede i St. Petri Kirke (Hendrik Krock).JPG|thumb|I ascend unto my Father, and your Father; and to my God, and your God.]]
[[File:Die_Predigt_Christi.jpg|thumb|And this is [[eternal]] [[life]], that they might know thee the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom thou hast sent.]]
[[File:Annibale Carracci, Cristo e la Cananea, 1595, Parma.jpg|thumb|What is a man [[profited]], if he shall gain the whole [[world]], and lose his own [[soul]]?]]
[[File:Pencz Christ.jpg|thumb|Enter by the narrow [[gate]]; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to [[destruction]], and there are many who go in by it. Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to [[life]], and there are few who find it.]]
[[File:Brooklyn Museum - The Pharisees Question Jesus (Les pharisiens questionnent Jésus) - James Tissot.jpg|thumb|What is exalted among men is an abomination in the sight of [[God]].]]

== [[New Testament]] ==
{{main|New Testament}}
The sayings of Jesus as recorded in the [[New Testament]] have had a profound effect on human history and culture. The most often quoted English translation is the [[w:Authorized King James Version|Authorized King James Version]] (KJV), first published by the [[w:Church of England|Church of England]] in 1611.
:''Some of the most well-known quotes are in '''bold.'''''

=== [[Gospel of Matthew]] ===
[[File:William-Adolphe Bouguereau (1825-1905) - The Flagellation of Our Lord Jesus Christ (1880).jpg|thumb|I say unto you, [[Love]] your [[enemies]], [[bless]] them that [[curse]] you, do [[good]] to them that [[hate]] you, and [[pray]] for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; That ye may be the [[children]] of your [[Father]] which is in [[heaven]]: for he maketh his [[sun]] to rise on the [[evil]] and on the good, and sendeth [[rain]] on the [[just]] and on the unjust.]]
&lt;!-- include only statements ''by'' Jesus here that are not already included above, otherwise go to Gospel of [[Matthew]] --&gt;
====Chapters 1–4====
* Suffer it to be so now: for thus it becometh us to fulfil all righteousness.
**3:15 (KJV) Said to [[w:John the Baptist|John the Baptist]].

*It is written, '''Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God'''.
** 4:4 (KJV) Said to [[Satan]]. The reference is to Deuteronomy 8:3, &quot;... that he might make thee know that man doth not live by bread only, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of the Lord doth man live.&quot; (KJV)

*It is written again, '''Thou shalt not tempt the Lord thy God.'''
**4:7 (KJV) Said to Satan. The reference is to Deuteronomy 6:16, &quot;Ye shall not tempt the Lord your God, as ye tempted him in Massah.&quot; (KJV)

*'''Get thee hence, Satan''': for it is written, '''Thou shalt worship the Lord thy God, and him only shalt thou serve'''.
**4:10 (KJV) Said to Satan.

*'''Repent: for the [[w:Kingdom of God|kingdom of heaven]] is at hand.'''
**4:17 (KJV)

*'''Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.'''
**4:19 (KJV) Said to Peter and Andrew

====Chapters 5–7, the [[w:Sermon on the Mount|Sermon on the Mount]]====
* '''Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. &lt;br /&gt; Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. &lt;br /&gt; Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. &lt;br /&gt; Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. &lt;br /&gt; Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. &lt;br /&gt; Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. &lt;br /&gt; Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God. &lt;br /&gt; Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the [[w:Kingdom of God|kingdom of heaven]]. &lt;br /&gt; Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. &lt;br /&gt; Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.'''
** 5:1–12 (NIV) Often referred to as &quot;[[The Beatitudes]]&quot; this is the start of &quot;The [[w:Sermon on the Mount|Sermon on the Mount]]&quot;.

* You are the salt of the earth; but if the salt loses its flavor, how shall it be seasoned? It is then good for nothing but to be thrown out and trampled underfoot by men. You are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do they light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. '''Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.'''
**Matthew 5:13–16 (NIV) (See also: Mark 9:50; Luke 14:34, 35)

* But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment: and whosoever shall say to his brother, [[:wikt:raca|Raca]], shall be in danger of the council: but whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire.
** [[w:Matthew 5:22|5:22]], ''[[King James Version]]''.

* You have heard that it was said, &quot;Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.&quot; But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles.
**5:38–41 (NIV)

* You have heard that it was said to those of old, 'You shall not commit adultery.' '''But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.''' If your right eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell.
** Exodus 20:14, Seventh Commandment
**Matthew 5:27–30 (NKJV)

* Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy. But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.
**Matthew 5:43–45 (KJV)
&lt;!--* After this manner therefore pray ye: '''Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen.'''
** Matthew 6:9–13 (KJV) (see below)--&gt;

* '''Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them.'''
** Matthew 6:26 (NKJV)

* '''Keep on, then, seeking first the [[Kingdom of God|Kingdom]] and his [[righteousness]], and all these other things will be added to you.''' So never be anxious about the next day, for the next day will have its own anxieties. Each day has enough of its own troubles.
** ''[http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/matthew/6/ Matthew 6:33-34]'', [[New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures]]

* '''Judge not, that you be not judged.''' For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. '''And why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye?''' Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me remove the speck from your eye'; and look, a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.
**Matthew 7:1–5 (NKJV) (Also Luke 6:37–42)

* '''Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.''' For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.
**Matthew 7:7–8 (NKJV) (Also Luke 11:9–13)

*'''Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it. Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it.'''
**Matthew 7:13–14 (NKJV) (Also Luke 13:24)

* Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.
** Matthew 7:15 (KJV)

* Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them.
** Matthew 7:20 (KJV)

* Not everyone who says to Me, 'Lord, Lord,' shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in heaven. Many will say to Me in that day, 'Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in Your name, cast out demons in Your name, and done many wonders in Your name?' And then I will declare to them, 'I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness!'
**Matthew 7:21–23 (NKJV) (Also Luke 6:24; 13:26, 27)

* Therefore whoever hears these sayings of Mine, and does them, I will liken him to a wise man who built his house on the rock: and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it did not fall, for it was founded on the rock.
* But everyone who hears these sayings of Mine, and does not do them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand: and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it fell. And great was its fall.
**Matthew 7:24–27 (NKJV) (Also Luke 6:47–49)

====Chapters 8–12====
*See thou tell no man; but go thy way, shew thyself to the priest, and offer the gift that Moses commanded, for a testimony unto them.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 8:4] (KJV) Said to a man cured of leprosy.

*I will come and heal him.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 8:7] (KJV) Said to a Roman officer.

*Verily I say unto you, I have not found so great faith, no, not in Israel. And I say unto you, That many shall come from the east and west, and shall sit down with Abraham, and Isaac, and Jacob, in the kingdom of heaven. But the children of the kingdom shall be cast out into outer darkness: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 8:10–12] (KJV) Said about the officer.

*'''Go thy way; and as thou hast believed, so be it done unto thee.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 8:13] (KJV) Said to the officer.

*'''The [[fox]]es have holes, and the birds of the air have nests; but the Son of man hath not where to lay his head'''.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 8:20] (KJV)

*'''Follow me; and let the dead bury their dead.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 8:22] (KJV)

*Why are ye fearful, '''O ye of little faith'''?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 8:26] (KJV)

*Go.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 8:32] (KJV) Said to devils which were possessing a man.

*Son, be of good cheer; thy sins be forgiven thee.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 9:2] (KJV) Said to a man sick of the palsy.

*Wherefore think ye evil in your hearts? For whether is easier, to say, Thy sins be forgiven thee; or to say, Arise, and walk? But that ye may know that the Son of man hath power on earth to forgive sins, (then saith he to the sick of the palsy,) Arise, take up thy bed, and go unto thine house.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 9:4–6] (KJV) Said to some scribes.

*Follow me.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 9:9] (KJV) Said to Matthew.

*'''They that be whole need not a physician, but they that are sick'''. But go ye and learn what that meaneth, I will have mercy, and not sacrifice: for I am not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 9:12–13] (KJV)

*Can the children of the bridechamber mourn, as long as the bridegroom is with them? but the days will come, when the bridegroom shall be taken from them, and then shall they fast. '''No man putteth a piece of new cloth unto an old garment, for that which is put in to fill it up taketh from the garment, and the rent is made worse. Neither do men put new wine into old bottles: else the bottles break, and the wine runneth out, and the bottles perish: but they put new wine into new bottles, and both are preserved'''.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 9:15–17] (KJV)

* Daughter, be of good comfort; thy faith hath made thee whole.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 9:22] (KJV) Said to a woman, diseased with an issue of blood, who touched the hem of his garment.

* Give place: for the maid is not dead, but sleepeth.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 9:24] (KJV) Said about a girl thought to be dead.

* Believe ye that I am able to do this?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 9:28] (KJV) Said to two blind men.

* According to your faith be it unto you.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 9:29] (KJV) Said to the two blind men.

* See that no man know it.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 9:30] (KJV) Said to the two blind men.

* '''The harvest truly is plenteous, but the labourers are few; Pray ye therefore the Lord of the harvest, that he will send forth labourers into his harvest'''.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 9:37–38] (KJV)

*Brother will betray brother to death, and a father his child. Children will even rise up against their parents and have them put to death.
** [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2010:21;&amp;version=77; 10:21] (HCSB) Said to his disciples.

*Go not into the way of the Gentiles, and into any city of the Samaritans enter ye not: But go rather to the lost sheep of the house of Israel. And as ye go, preach, saying, The kingdom of heaven is at hand. Heal the sick, cleanse the lepers, raise the dead, cast out devils: freely ye have received, freely give. Provide neither gold, nor silver, nor brass in your purses, Nor scrip for your journey, neither two coats, neither shoes, nor yet staves: for the workman is worthy of his meat. And into whatsoever city or town ye shall enter, inquire who in it is worthy; and there abide till ye go thence. And when ye come into an house, salute it. And if the house be worthy, let your peace come upon it: but if it be not worthy, let your peace return to you. And whosoever shall not receive you, nor hear your words, when ye depart out of that house or city, shake off the dust of your feet. Verily I say unto you, It shall be more tolerable for the land of Sodom and Gomorrha in the day of judgment, than for that city. Behold, '''I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves'''. But beware of men: for they will deliver you up to the councils, and they will scourge you in their synagogues; And ye shall be brought before governors and kings for my sake, for a testimony against them and the Gentiles. '''But when they deliver you up, take no thought how or what ye shall speak: for it shall be given you in that same hour what ye shall speak. For it is not ye that speak, but the Spirit of your Father which speaketh in you. And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death. And ye shall be hated of all men for my name's sake: but he that endureth to the end shall be saved'''. But when they persecute you in this city, flee ye into another: for verily I say unto you, Ye shall not have gone over the cities of Israel, till the Son of man be come. The disciple is not above his master, nor the servant above his lord. It is enough for the disciple that he be as his master, and the servant as his lord. If they have called the master of the house Beelzebub, how much more shall they call them of his household? Fear them not therefore: for there is nothing covered, that shall not be revealed; and hid, that shall not be known. What I tell you in darkness, that speak ye in light: and what ye hear in the ear, that preach ye upon the housetops. '''And fear not them which kill the body, but are not able to kill the soul: but rather fear him which is able to destroy both soul and body in hell. Are not two sparrows sold for a farthing? and one of them shall not fall on the ground without your Father. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear ye not therefore, ye are of more value than many sparrows. Whosoever therefore shall confess me before men, him will I confess also before my Father which is in heaven. But whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my Father which is in heaven. Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword. For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. And a man's foes shall be they of his own household. He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me. He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it.''' He that receiveth you receiveth me, and he that receiveth me receiveth him that sent me. He that receiveth a prophet in the name of a prophet shall receive a prophet's reward; and he that receiveth a righteous man in the name of a righteous man shall receive a righteous man's reward. And whosoever shall give to drink unto one of these little ones a cup of cold water only in the name of a disciple, verily I say unto you, he shall in no wise lose his reward.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 10:5–42] (KJV) Said to his disciples.

* For I came to cause division, with a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. 36 Indeed, a man’s enemies will be those of his own household.
** [http://wol.jw.org/en/wol/b/r1/lp-e/nwt/E/2013/40/10#h=84:318-84:467 10:35,36], [[New World Translation]]

*Go and shew John again those things which ye do hear and see: The blind receive their sight, and the lame walk, the lepers are cleansed, and the deaf hear, the dead are raised up, and the poor have the gospel preached to them. And blessed is he, whosoever shall not be offended in me.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 11:4–6] (KJV)

*What went ye out into the wilderness to see? A reed shaken with the wind? But what went ye out for to see? A man clothed in soft raiment? behold, they that wear soft clothing are in kings' houses. But what went ye out for to see? A prophet? yea, I say unto you, and more than a prophet. For this is he, of whom it is written, Behold, I send my messenger before thy face, which shall prepare thy way before thee. Verily I say unto you, Among them that are born of women there hath not risen a greater than John the Baptist: notwithstanding he that is least in the kingdom of heaven is greater than he. And from the days of John the Baptist until now the kingdom of heaven suffereth violence, and the violent take it by force. For all the prophets and the law prophesied until John. And if ye will receive it, this is Elias, which was for to come. He that hath ears to hear, let him hear. But whereunto shall I liken this generation? It is like unto children sitting in the markets, and calling unto their fellows, And saying, We have piped unto you, and ye have not danced; we have mourned unto you, and ye have not lamented. For John came neither eating nor drinking, and they say, He hath a devil. The Son of man came eating and drinking, and they say, Behold a man gluttonous, and a winebibber, a friend of publicans and sinners. But wisdom is justified of her children.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 11:7–19] (KJV)

*Woe unto thee, Chorazin! woe unto thee, Bethsaida! for if the mighty works, which were done in you, had been done in Tyre and Sidon, they would have repented long ago in sackcloth and ashes. But I say unto you, It shall be more tolerable for Tyre and Sidon at the day of judgment, than for you. And thou, Capernaum, which art exalted unto heaven, shalt be brought down to hell: for if the mighty works, which have been done in thee, had been done in Sodom, it would have remained until this day. But I say unto you, That it shall be more tolerable for the land of Sodom in the day of judgment, than for thee.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 11:21–24] (KJV)

*I thank thee, O Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because thou hast hid these things from the wise and prudent, and hast revealed them unto babes. Even so, Father: for so it seemed good in thy sight. All things are delivered unto me of my Father: and no man knoweth the Son, but the Father; neither knoweth any man the Father, save the Son, and he to whomsoever the Son will reveal him. '''Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 11:25–30] (KJV)

*Have ye not read what David did, when he was an hungred, and they that were with him; How he entered into the house of God, and did eat the shewbread, which was not lawful for him to eat, neither for them which were with him, but only for the priests? Or have ye not read in the law, how that on the sabbath days the priests in the temple profane the sabbath, and are blameless? But I say unto you, That in this place is one greater than the temple. But if ye had known what this meaneth, I will have mercy, and not sacrifice, ye would not have condemned the guiltless. For the Son of man is Lord even of the sabbath day.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 12:3–8] (KJV) Said to some Pharisees.

*What man shall there be among you, that shall have one sheep, and if it fall into a pit on the sabbath day, will he not lay hold on it, and lift it out? How much then is a man better than a sheep? Wherefore it is lawful to do well on the sabbath days.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 12:11–12] (KJV) Said to the Pharisees.

*Stretch forth thine hand.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 12:13] (KJV) Said to a man with a withered hand.

*'''Every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation; and every city or house divided against itself shall not stand: And if Satan cast out Satan, he is divided against himself; how shall then his kingdom stand?''' And if I by Beelzebub cast out devils, by whom do your children cast them out? therefore they shall be your judges. But if I cast out devils by the Spirit of God, then the kingdom of God is come unto you. Or else how can one enter into a strong man's house, and spoil his goods, except he first bind the strong man? and then he will spoil his house. He that is not with me is against me; and he that gathereth not with me scattereth abroad. Wherefore I say unto you, '''All manner of sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven unto men: but the blasphemy against the Holy Ghost shall not be forgiven unto men. And whosoever speaketh a word against the Son of man, it shall be forgiven him: but whosoever speaketh against the Holy Ghost, it shall not be forgiven him, neither in this world, neither in the world to come'''. Either make the tree good, and his fruit good; or else make the tree corrupt, and his fruit corrupt: for the tree is known by his fruit. O generation of vipers, how can ye, being evil, speak good things? for out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh. A good man out of the good treasure of the heart bringeth forth good things: and an evil man out of the evil treasure bringeth forth evil things. But I say unto you, That every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment. For by thy words thou shalt be justified, and by thy words thou shalt be condemned.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 12:25–37] (KJV)

Variant:

* He that is not on my side is against me, and he that does not gather with me scatters.
** 12:30, [[New World Translation]]

*An evil and adulterous generation seeketh after a sign; and there shall no sign be given to it, but the sign of the prophet Jonas: For as Jonas was three days and three nights in the whale's belly; so shall the Son of man be three days and three nights in the heart of the earth. The men of Nineveh shall rise in judgment with this generation, and shall condemn it: because they repented at the preaching of Jonas; and, behold, a greater than Jonas is here. The queen of the south shall rise up in the judgment with this generation, and shall condemn it: for she came from the uttermost parts of the earth to hear the wisdom of Solomon; and, behold, a greater than Solomon is here. When the unclean spirit is gone out of a man, he walketh through dry places, seeking rest, and findeth none. Then he saith, I will return into my house from whence I came out; and when he is come, he findeth it empty, swept, and garnished. Then goeth he, and taketh with himself seven other spirits more wicked than himself, and they enter in and dwell there: and the last state of that man is worse than the first. Even so shall it be also unto this wicked generation.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 12:39–45] (KJV)

*'''Who is my mother? and who are my brethren? And he stretched forth his hand toward his disciples, and said, Behold my mother and my brethren! For whosoever shall do the will of my Father which is in heaven, the same is my brother, and sister, and mother.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 12:48–50] (KJV)

====Chapters 13–16====
*Behold, a sower went forth to sow; And when he sowed, some seeds fell by the way side, and the fowls came and devoured them up: Some fell upon stony places, where they had not much earth: and forthwith they sprung up, because they had no deepness of earth: And when the sun was up, they were scorched; and because they had no root, they withered away. And some fell among thorns; and the thorns sprung up, and choked them: But other fell into good ground, and brought forth fruit, some an hundredfold, some sixtyfold, some thirtyfold. Who hath ears to hear, let him hear.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 13:3–9] (KJV)

*Because it is given unto you to know the mysteries of the kingdom of heaven, but to them it is not given. For whosoever hath, to him shall be given, and he shall have more abundance: but whosoever hath not, from him shall be taken away even that he hath. Therefore speak I to them in parables: because they seeing see not; and hearing they hear not, neither do they understand. And in them is fulfilled the prophecy of Esaias, which saith, By hearing ye shall hear, and shall not understand; and seeing ye shall see, and shall not perceive: For this people's heart is waxed gross, and their ears are dull of hearing, and their eyes they have closed; lest at any time they should see with their eyes, and hear with their ears, and should understand with their heart, and should be converted, and I should heal them. But blessed are your eyes, for they see: and your ears, for they hear. For verily I say unto you, That many prophets and righteous men have desired to see those things which ye see, and have not seen them; and to hear those things which ye hear, and have not heard them. Hear ye therefore the parable of the sower. When any one heareth the word of the kingdom, and understandeth it not, then cometh the wicked one, and catcheth away that which was sown in his heart. This is he which received seed by the way side. But he that received the seed into stony places, the same is he that heareth the word, and anon with joy receiveth it; Yet hath he not root in himself, but dureth for a while: for when tribulation or persecution ariseth because of the word, by and by he is offended. He also that received seed among the thorns is he that heareth the word; and the care of this world, and the deceitfulness of riches, choke the word, and he becometh unfruitful. But he that received seed into the good ground is he that heareth the word, and understandeth it; which also beareth fruit, and bringeth forth, some an hundredfold, some sixty, some thirty.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 13:11–23] (KJV) Said to his disciples when they asked why he spoke in parables.

*Another parable put he forth unto them, saying, The kingdom of heaven is likened unto a man which sowed good seed in his field: But while men slept, his enemy came and sowed tares among the wheat, and went his way. But when the blade was sprung up, and brought forth fruit, then appeared the tares also. So the servants of the householder came and said unto him, Sir, didst not thou sow good seed in thy field? from whence then hath it tares? He said unto them, An enemy hath done this. The servants said unto him, Wilt thou then that we go and gather them up? But he said, Nay; lest while ye gather up the tares, ye root up also the wheat with them. Let both grow together until the harvest: and in the time of harvest I will say to the reapers, Gather ye together first the tares, and bind them in bundles to burn them: but gather the wheat into my barn.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 13:24–30] (KJV)

*The kingdom of heaven is like to a grain of mustard seed, which a man took, and sowed in his field: Which indeed is the least of all seeds: but when it is grown, it is the greatest among herbs, and becometh a tree, so that the birds of the air come and lodge in the branches thereof.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 13:31–32] (KJV)

*The kingdom of heaven is like unto leaven, which a woman took, and hid in three measures of meal, till the whole was leavened.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 13:33] (KJV)

* He that soweth the good seed is the Son of man; The field is the world; the good seed are the children of the kingdom; but the tares are the children of the wicked one; The enemy that sowed them is the devil; the harvest is the end of the world; and the reapers are the angels. As therefore the tares are gathered and burned in the fire; so shall it be in the end of this world. The Son of man shall send forth his angels, and they shall gather out of his kingdom all things that offend, and them which do iniquity; And shall cast them into a furnace of fire: there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth. Then shall the righteous shine forth as the sun in the kingdom of their Father. '''Who hath ears to hear, let him hear.''' Again, the kingdom of heaven is like unto treasure hid in a field; the which when a man hath found, he hideth, and for joy thereof goeth and selleth all that he hath, and buyeth that field. '''Again, the kingdom of heaven is like unto a merchant man, seeking goodly pearls: Who, when he had found one pearl of great price, went and sold all that he had, and bought it.''' Again, the kingdom of heaven is like unto a net, that was cast into the sea, and gathered of every kind: Which, when it was full, they drew to shore, and sat down, and gathered the good into vessels, but cast the bad away. So shall it be at the end of the world: the angels shall come forth, and sever the wicked from among the just, And shall cast them into the furnace of fire: there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 13:37–50] (KJV)

*Have ye understood all these things?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 13:51] (KJV)

*Therefore every scribe which is instructed unto the kingdom of heaven is like unto a man that is an householder, which bringeth forth out of his treasure things new and old.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 13:52] (KJV)

*'''A prophet is not without honour, save in his own country, and in his own house.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 13:57] (KJV)

*They need not depart; give ye them to eat.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 14:16] (KJV)

*Bring them hither to me.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 14:18] (KJV) Said about the '''loaves and fishes'''.

*Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 14:27] (KJV)

*Come.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 14:29] (KJV) Said to Peter.

*'''O thou of little faith''', wherefore didst thou doubt?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 14:31] (KJV) Said to Peter after Peter failed to '''walk on water.'''

*Why do ye also transgress the commandment of God by your tradition? For God commanded, saying, Honour thy father and mother: and, He that curseth father or mother, let him die the death. But ye say, Whosoever shall say to his father or his mother, It is a gift, by whatsoever thou mightest be profited by me; And honour not his father or his mother, he shall be free. Thus have ye made the commandment of God of none effect by your tradition. Ye hypocrites, well did Esaias prophesy of you, saying, This people draweth nigh unto me with their mouth, and honoureth me with their lips; but their heart is far from me. But in vain they do worship me, teaching for doctrines the commandments of men.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 15:3–9] (KJV)

*Hear, and understand: Not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a man; but that which cometh out of the mouth, this defileth a man.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 15:10–11] (KJV)

*Every plant, which my heavenly Father hath not planted, shall be rooted up. '''Let them alone: they be blind leaders of the blind. And if the blind lead the blind, both shall fall into the ditch'''.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 15:13–14] (KJV)

*Are ye also yet without understanding? Do not ye yet understand, that whatsoever entereth in at the mouth goeth into the belly, and is cast out into the draught? But those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart; and they defile the man. For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies: These are the things which defile a man: but to eat with unwashen hands defileth not a man.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 15:16–20] (KJV)

*I am not sent but unto the lost sheep of the house of Israel.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 15:24] (KJV)

*It is not meet to take the children's bread, and to cast it to dogs.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 15:26] (KJV)

*O woman, great is thy faith: be it unto thee even as thou wilt.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 15:28] (KJV)

*I have compassion on the multitude, because they continue with me now three days, and have nothing to eat: and I will not send them away fasting, lest they faint in the way.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 15:32] (KJV)

*How many loaves have ye?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 15:34] (KJV)

*When it is evening, ye say, It will be fair weather: for the sky is red. And in the morning, It will be foul weather to day: for the sky is red and lowring. '''O ye hypocrites, ye can discern the face of the sky; but can ye not discern the signs of the times? A wicked and adulterous generation seeketh after a sign; and there shall no sign be given unto it, but the sign of the prophet Jonas.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 16:2–4] (KJV)

*Take heed and beware of the leaven of the Pharisees and of the Sadducees.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 16:6] (KJV)

*'''O ye of little faith''', why reason ye among yourselves, because ye have brought no bread? Do ye not yet understand, neither remember the five loaves of the five thousand, and how many baskets ye took up? Neither the seven loaves of the four thousand, and how many baskets ye took up? How is it that ye do not understand that I spake it not to you concerning bread, that ye should beware of the leaven of the Pharisees and of the Sadducees?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 16:8–11] (KJV)

*''' Whom do men say that I the Son of man am?'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 16:13] (KJV)

*'''But whom say ye that I am?'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 16:15] (KJV)

*'''Blessed art thou, Simon Barjona: for flesh and blood hath not revealed it unto thee, but my Father which is in heaven. And I say also unto thee, That thou art Peter, and upon this rock I will build my church; and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it. And I will give unto thee the keys of the kingdom of heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 16:17–19] (KJV)

*'''Get thee behind me, Satan''': thou art an offence unto me: for thou savourest not the things that be of God, but those that be of men.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 16:23] (KJV)

*'''If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it. For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul?''' For the Son of man shall come in the glory of his Father with his angels; and then he shall reward every man according to his works. Verily I say unto you, There be some standing here, which shall not taste of death, till they see the Son of man coming in his kingdom.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 16:24–28] (KJV)

====Chapters 17-19====
*Arise, and be not afraid.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 17:7] (KJV)

*Tell the vision to no man, until the Son of man be risen again from the dead.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 17:9] (KJV)

*[[w:Elijah|Elias]] truly shall first come, and restore all things. But I say unto you, That Elias is come already, and they knew him not, but have done unto him whatsoever they listed. Likewise shall also the Son of man suffer of them.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 17:11–12] (KJV)

* O faithless and perverse generation, how long shall I be with you? how long shall I suffer you? bring him hither to me.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 17:17] (KJV)

*Because of your unbelief: for verily I say unto you, '''If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you.''' Howbeit this kind goeth not out but by prayer and fasting.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 17:20–21] (KJV)

*'''The Son of man shall be betrayed into the hands of men: And they shall kill him, and the third day he shall be raised again.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 17:22–23] (KJV)

*What thinkest thou, Simon? of whom do the kings of the earth take custom or tribute? of their own children, or of strangers?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 17:25] (KJV)

*Then are the children free. Notwithstanding, lest we should offend them, go thou to the sea, and cast an hook, and take up the fish that first cometh up; and when thou hast opened his mouth, thou shalt find a piece of money: that take, and give unto them for me and thee.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 17:26–27] (KJV)

[[File:StJohnsAshfield StainedGlass JesusAndChildren.jpg|thumb|''become as little children'' [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 18:3–20]&lt;br/&gt;''suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me'' [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 19:14] (KJV)]]
*Verily I say unto you, '''Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven. Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoso shall receive one such little child in my name receiveth me. But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.''' Woe unto the world because of offences! for it must needs be that offences come; but woe to that man by whom the offence cometh! '''Wherefore if thy hand or thy foot offend thee, cut them off, and cast them from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life halt or maimed, rather than having two hands or two feet to be cast into everlasting fire. And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life with one eye, rather than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire.''' Take heed that ye despise not one of these little ones; for I say unto you, That in heaven their angels do always behold the face of my Father which is in heaven. '''For the Son of man is come to save that which was lost.''' How think ye? if a man have an hundred sheep, and one of them be gone astray, doth he not leave the ninety and nine, and goeth into the mountains, and seeketh that which is gone astray? And if so be that he find it, verily I say unto you, he rejoiceth more of that sheep, than of the ninety and nine which went not astray. Even so it is not the will of your Father which is in heaven, that one of these little ones should perish. Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican. Verily I say unto you, Whatsoever ye shall bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever ye shall loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven. Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven. '''For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 18:3–20] (KJV)

*[T]he kingdom of heaven can be compared to a king who wanted to settle accounts with his slaves.
**[http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2018:23;&amp;version=77; 18:23]

*I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven. Therefore is the kingdom of heaven likened unto a certain king, which would take account of his servants. And when he had begun to reckon, one was brought unto him, which owed him ten thousand talents. But forasmuch as he had not to pay, his lord commanded him to be sold, and his wife, and children, and all that he had, and payment to be made. The servant therefore fell down, and worshipped him, saying, Lord, have patience with me, and I will pay thee all. Then the lord of that servant was moved with compassion, and loosed him, and forgave him the debt. But the same servant went out, and found one of his fellowservants, which owed him an hundred pence: and he laid hands on him, and took him by the throat, saying, Pay me that thou owest. And his fellowservant fell down at his feet, and besought him, saying, Have patience with me, and I will pay thee all. And he would not: but went and cast him into prison, till he should pay the debt. So when his fellowservants saw what was done, they were very sorry, and came and told unto their lord all that was done. Then his lord, after that he had called him, said unto him, O thou wicked servant, I forgave thee all that debt, because thou desiredst me: Shouldest not thou also have had compassion on thy fellowservant, even as I had pity on thee? And his lord was wroth, and delivered him to the tormentors, till he should pay all that was due unto him. So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 18:22–35] (KJV)

*[H]is master was angry, and delivered him to the torturers until he should pay all that was due to him. &quot;So My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother his trespasses.&quot;
**[http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2018:34-35;&amp;version=50; 18:34–35]

*Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. '''What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 19:4–6] (KJV)

*[[w:Moses|Moses]] because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so. And I say unto you, '''Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery'''.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 19:8–9] (KJV)

*All men cannot receive this saying, save they to whom it is given. For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother's womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 19:11–12] (KJV)

*'''Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 19:14] (KJV)

*Why callest thou me good? there is none good but one, that is, God: but if thou wilt enter into life, keep the commandments.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 19:17] (KJV)

*Thou shalt do no murder, Thou shalt not commit adultery, Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not bear false witness, Honour thy father and thy mother: and, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 19:18–19] (KJV)

*'''If thou wilt be perfect, go and sell that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come and follow me.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 19:21] (KJV)

*Verily I say unto you, '''That a rich man shall hardly enter into the kingdom of heaven.''' And again I say unto you, '''It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 19:23–24] (KJV)

*'''With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 19:26] (KJV)

*Verily I say unto you, That ye which have followed me, in the [[Regeneration (theology)|regeneration]] when the Son of man shall sit in the throne of his glory, ye also shall sit upon twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel. And every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name's sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life. '''But many that are first shall be last; and the last shall be first.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 19:28–30] (KJV)

*[E]veryone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life.
** [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2019:29;&amp;version=31; 19:29]

====Chapters 20–24====
*For the kingdom of heaven is like unto a man that is an householder, which went out early in the morning to hire labourers into his vineyard. And when he had agreed with the labourers for a penny a day, he sent them into his vineyard. And he went out about the third hour, and saw others standing idle in the marketplace, And said unto them; Go ye also into the vineyard, and whatsoever is right I will give you. And they went their way. Again he went out about the sixth and ninth hour, and did likewise. And about the eleventh hour he went out, and found others standing idle, and saith unto them, Why stand ye here all the day idle? They say unto him, Because no man hath hired us. He saith unto them, Go ye also into the vineyard; and whatsoever is right, that shall ye receive. So when even was come, the lord of the vineyard saith unto his steward, Call the labourers, and give them their hire, beginning from the last unto the first. And when they came that were hired about the eleventh hour, they received every man a penny. But when the first came, they supposed that they should have received more; and they likewise received every man a penny. And when they had received it, they murmured against the goodman of the house, Saying, These last have wrought but one hour, and thou hast made them equal unto us, which have borne the burden and heat of the day. But he answered one of them, and said, Friend, I do thee no wrong: didst not thou agree with me for a penny? Take that thine is, and go thy way: I will give unto this last, even as unto thee. Is it not lawful for me to do what I will with mine own? Is thine eye evil, because I am good? '''So the last shall be first, and the first last: for many be called, but few chosen.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 20:1–16] (KJV)

*'''Behold, we go up to Jerusalem; and the Son of man shall be betrayed unto the chief priests and unto the scribes, and they shall condemn him to death, And shall deliver him to the Gentiles to mock, and to scourge, and to crucify him: and the third day he shall rise again.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 20:18–19] (KJV)

*What wilt thou?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 20:21] (KJV) Asked of the mother of the sons of Zebedee, who answered that she wanted one son to sit on Jesus's left hand and one on his right.

*Ye know not what ye ask. Are ye able to drink of the cup that I shall drink of, and to be baptized with the baptism that I am baptized with?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 20:22] (KJV)

* Ye shall drink indeed of my cup, and be baptized with the baptism that I am baptized with: but to sit on my right hand, and on my left, is not mine to give, but it shall be given to them for whom it is prepared of my Father.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 20:23] (KJV)

*Ye know that the princes of the Gentiles exercise dominion over them, and they that are great exercise authority upon them. But it shall not be so among you: but '''whosoever will be great among you, let him be your minister; And whosoever will be chief among you, let him be your servant: Even as the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 20:25–28] (KJV)

*What will ye that I shall do unto you?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 20:32] (KJV) Asked of two blind men.

*Go into the village over against you, and straightway ye shall find an ass tied, and a colt with her: loose them, and bring them unto me. And if any man say ought unto you, ye shall say, The Lord hath need of them; and straightway he will send them. All this was done, that it might be fulfilled which was spoken by the prophet, saying, Tell ye the daughter of Sion, Behold, thy King cometh unto thee, meek, and sitting upon an ass, and a colt the foal of an ass.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 21:2–5] (KJV)

*'''It is written, My house shall be called the house of prayer; but ye have made it a den of thieves.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 21:13] (KJV)

*Yea; have ye never read, '''Out of the mouth of babes and sucklings thou hast perfected praise?'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 21:16] (KJV)

*Let no fruit grow on thee henceforward for ever.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 21:19] (KJV) Said to a fig tree.

*Verily I say unto you, '''If ye have faith, and doubt not, ye shall not only do this which is done to the fig tree, but also if ye shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; it shall be done.
[22] And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 21:21–22] (KJV)

*I also will ask you one thing, which if ye tell me, I in like wise will tell you by what authority I do these things. The baptism of John, whence was it? from heaven, or of men?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 21:24–25] (KJV)

* Neither tell I you by what authority I do these things. But what think ye? A certain man had two sons; and he came to the first, and said, Son, go work to day in my vineyard. He answered and said, I will not: but afterward he repented, and went. And he came to the second, and said likewise. And he answered and said, I go, sir: and went not. Whether of them twain did the will of his father? They say unto him, The first. Jesus saith unto them, Verily I say unto you, '''That the publicans and the harlots go into the kingdom of God before you.''' For John came unto you in the way of righteousness, and ye believed him not: but the publicans and the harlots believed him: and ye, when ye had seen it, repented not afterward, that ye might believe him. Hear another parable: There was a certain householder, which planted a vineyard, and hedged it round about, and digged a winepress in it, and built a tower, and let it out to husbandmen, and went into a far country: And when the time of the fruit drew near, he sent his servants to the husbandmen, that they might receive the fruits of it. And the husbandmen took his servants, and beat one, and killed another, and stoned another. Again, he sent other servants more than the first: and they did unto them likewise. But last of all he sent unto them his son, saying, They will reverence my son. But when the husbandmen saw the son, they said among themselves, This is the heir; come, let us kill him, and let us seize on his inheritance. And they caught him, and cast him out of the vineyard, and slew him. When the lord therefore of the vineyard cometh, what will he do unto those husbandmen?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 21:27–40] (KJV)

*Did ye never read in the scriptures, '''The stone which the builders rejected, the same is become the head of the corner: this is the Lord's doing, and it is marvellous in our eyes?''' Therefore say I unto you, '''The kingdom of God shall be taken from you, and given to a nation bringing forth the fruits thereof.''' And whosoever shall fall on this stone shall be broken: but on whomsoever it shall fall, it will grind him to powder.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 21:27–42 and 44] (KJV)

* The kingdom of heaven is like unto a certain king, which made a marriage for his son, And sent forth his servants to call them that were bidden to the wedding: and they would not come. Again, he sent forth other servants, saying, Tell them which are bidden, Behold, I have prepared my dinner: my oxen and my fatlings are killed, and all things are ready: come unto the marriage. But they made light of it, and went their ways, one to his farm, another to his merchandise: And the remnant took his servants, and entreated them spitefully, and slew them. But when the king heard thereof, he was wroth: and he sent forth his armies, and destroyed those murderers, and burned up their city. Then saith he to his servants, The wedding is ready, but they which were bidden were not worthy. Go ye therefore into the highways, and as many as ye shall find, bid to the marriage. So those servants went out into the highways, and gathered together all as many as they found, both bad and good: and the wedding was furnished with guests. And when the king came in to see the guests, he saw there a man which had not on a wedding garment: And he saith unto him, Friend, how camest thou in hither not having a wedding garment? And he was speechless. Then said the king to the servants, Bind him hand and foot, and take him away, and cast him into outer darkness; there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth. '''For many are called, but few are chosen'''.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 22:2–14] (KJV)

*Why tempt ye me, ye hypocrites? Shew me the tribute money.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 22:18–19] (KJV)

*Whose is this image and superscription?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 22:20] (KJV)

*'''Render therefore unto Caesar the things which are Caesar's; and unto God the things that are God's.'''

**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 22:21] (KJV)

*Ye do err, not knowing the scriptures, nor the power of God. For in the resurrection they neither marry, nor are given in marriage, but are as the angels of God in heaven. But as touching the resurrection of the dead, have ye not read that which was spoken unto you by God, saying, I am the God of Abraham, and the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob? God is not the God of the dead, but of the living.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 22:29–32] (KJV)

*'''Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 22:37–40] (KJV)

*What think ye of Christ? whose son is he?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 22:42] (KJV)

*How then doth David in spirit call him Lord, saying, The LORD said unto my Lord, Sit thou on my right hand, till I make thine enemies thy footstool? If David then call him Lord, how is he his son?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 22:43–45] (KJV)

*The scribes and the Pharisees sit in Moses' seat: All therefore whatsoever they bid you observe, that observe and do; but do not ye after their works: for they say, and do not. For they bind heavy burdens and grievous to be borne, and lay them on men's shoulders; but they themselves will not move them with one of their fingers. But all their works they do for to be seen of men: they make broad their phylacteries, and enlarge the borders of their garments, And love the uppermost rooms at feasts, and the chief seats in the synagogues, And greetings in the markets, and to be called of men, Rabbi, Rabbi. But be not ye called Rabbi: for one is your Master, even Christ; and all ye are brethren. And call no man your father upon the earth: for one is your Father, which is in heaven. Neither be ye called masters: for one is your Master, even Christ. '''But he that is greatest among you shall be your servant. And whosoever shall exalt himself shall be abased; and he that shall humble himself shall be exalted.''' But woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye shut up the kingdom of heaven against men: for ye neither go in yourselves, neither suffer ye them that are entering to go in. Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye devour widows' houses, and for a pretence make long prayer: therefore ye shall receive the greater damnation. Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye compass sea and land to make one proselyte, and when he is made, ye make him twofold more the child of hell than yourselves. Woe unto you, ye blind guides, which say, Whosoever shall swear by the temple, it is nothing; but whosoever shall swear by the gold of the temple, he is a debtor! Ye fools and blind: for whether is greater, the gold, or the temple that sanctifieth the gold? And, Whosoever shall swear by the altar, it is nothing; but whosoever sweareth by the gift that is upon it, he is guilty. Ye fools and blind: for whether is greater, the gift, or the altar that sanctifieth the gift? Whoso therefore shall swear by the altar, sweareth by it, and by all things thereon. And whoso shall swear by the temple, sweareth by it, and by him that dwelleth therein. And he that shall swear by heaven, sweareth by the throne of God, and by him that sitteth thereon. Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye pay tithe of mint and anise and cummin, and have omitted the weightier matters of the law, judgment, mercy, and faith: these ought ye to have done, and not to leave the other undone. Ye blind guides, which strain at a gnat, and swallow a camel. Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye make clean the outside of the cup and of the platter, but within they are full of extortion and excess. Thou blind Pharisee, cleanse first that which is within the cup and platter, that the outside of them may be clean also. Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye are like unto whited sepulchres, which indeed appear beautiful outward, but are within full of dead men's bones, and of all uncleanness. Even so ye also outwardly appear righteous unto men, but within ye are full of hypocrisy and iniquity. Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! because ye build the tombs of the prophets, and garnish the sepulchres of the righteous, And say, If we had been in the days of our fathers, we would not have been partakers with them in the blood of the prophets. Wherefore ye be witnesses unto yourselves, that ye are the children of them which killed the prophets. Fill ye up then the measure of your fathers. '''Ye serpents, ye generation of vipers, how can ye escape the damnation of hell?''' Wherefore, behold, I send unto you prophets, and wise men, and scribes: and some of them ye shall kill and crucify; and some of them shall ye scourge in your synagogues, and persecute them from city to city: That upon you may come all the righteous blood shed upon the earth, from the blood of righteous Abel unto the blood of Zacharias son of Barachias, whom ye slew between the temple and the altar. Verily I say unto you, All these things shall come upon this generation. O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, thou that killest the prophets, and stonest them which are sent unto thee, how often would I have gathered thy children together, even as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings, and ye would not! Behold, your house is left unto you desolate. For I say unto you, Ye shall not see me henceforth, till ye shall say, Blessed is he that cometh in the name of the Lord.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 23:2–39] (KJV)

* See ye not all these things? verily I say unto you, '''There shall not be left here one stone upon another, that shall not be thrown down.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 24:2] (KJV)

*'''Take heed that no man deceive you. For many shall come in my name, saying, I am Christ; and shall deceive many. And ye shall hear of wars and rumours of wars: see that ye be not troubled: for all these things must come to pass, but the end is not yet. For nation shall rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom: and there shall be famines, and pestilences, and earthquakes, in divers places. All these are the beginning of sorrows. Then shall they deliver you up to be afflicted, and shall kill you: and ye shall be hated of all nations for my name's sake. And then shall many be offended, and shall betray one another, and shall hate one another. And many false prophets shall rise, and shall deceive many. And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold. But he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved. And this gospel of the kingdom shall be preached in all the world for a witness unto all nations; and then shall the end come.''' When ye therefore shall see the abomination of desolation, spoken of by Daniel the prophet, stand in the holy place, (whoso readeth, let him understand:) Then let them which be in Judaea flee into the mountains: Let him which is on the housetop not come down to take any thing out of his house: Neither let him which is in the field return back to take his clothes. And woe unto them that are with child, and to them that give suck in those days! But pray ye that your flight be not in the winter, neither on the sabbath day: For then shall be great tribulation, such as was not since the beginning of the world to this time, no, nor ever shall be. And except those days should be shortened, there should no flesh be saved: but for the elect's sake those days shall be shortened. '''Then if any man shall say unto you, Lo, here is Christ, or there; believe it not. For there shall arise false Christs, and false prophets, and shall shew great signs and wonders; insomuch that, if it were possible, they shall deceive the very elect. Behold, I have told you before. Wherefore if they shall say unto you, Behold, he is in the desert; go not forth: behold, he is in the secret chambers; believe it not. For as the lightning cometh out of the east, and shineth even unto the west; so shall also the coming of the Son of man be.''' For wheresoever the carcase is, there will the eagles be gathered together. '''Immediately after the tribulation of those days shall the sun be darkened, and the moon shall not give her light, and the stars shall fall from heaven, and the powers of the heavens shall be shaken: And then shall appear the sign of the Son of man in heaven: and then shall all the tribes of the earth mourn, and they shall see the Son of man coming in the clouds of heaven with power and great glory.''' And he shall send his angels with a great sound of a trumpet, and they shall gather together his elect from the four winds, from one end of heaven to the other. Now learn a parable of the fig tree; When his branch is yet tender, and putteth forth leaves, ye know that summer is nigh: So likewise ye, when ye shall see all these things, know that it is near, even at the doors. Verily I say unto you, '''This generation shall not pass, till all these things be fulfilled. Heaven and earth shall pass away, but my words shall not pass away. But of that day and hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels of heaven, but my Father only.''' But as the days of Noe were, so shall also the coming of the Son of man be. For as in the days that were before the flood they were eating and drinking, marrying and giving in marriage, until the day that Noe entered into the ark, And knew not until the flood came, and took them all away; so shall also the coming of the Son of man be. Then shall two be in the field; the one shall be taken, and the other left. Two women shall be grinding at the mill; the one shall be taken, and the other left. '''Watch therefore: for ye know not what hour your Lord doth come.''' But know this, that if the goodman of the house had known in what watch the thief would come, he would have watched, and would not have suffered his house to be broken up. Therefore be ye also ready: for in such an hour as ye think not the Son of man cometh. Who then is a faithful and wise servant, whom his lord hath made ruler over his household, to give them meat in due season? Blessed is that servant, whom his lord when he cometh shall find so doing. Verily I say unto you, That he shall make him ruler over all his goods. But and if that evil servant shall say in his heart, My lord delayeth his coming; And shall begin to smite his fellowservants, and to eat and drink with the drunken; The lord of that servant shall come in a day when he looketh not for him, and in an hour that he is not aware of, And shall cut him asunder, and appoint him his portion with the hypocrites: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 24:5–51] (KJV)
** Variant translation:
* [T]he sun will be darkened, and the moon will not give its light; the stars will fall from the sky, and the heavenly bodies will be shaken. … They will see the Son of Man coming on the clouds of the sky, with power and great glory... ''I tell you the truth, this generation will certainly not pass away until all these things have happened.''
** [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2024:29-34;&amp;version=31; 24:29–34] (NIV)

[[File:StJohnsAshfield StainedGlass Gethsemane.jpg|thumb|Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane: ''Sit ye here, while I go and pray yonder.'' [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:36] (KJV)]]

====Chapters 25–26====
*Then shall the kingdom of heaven be likened unto ten virgins, which took their lamps, and went forth to meet the bridegroom. And five of them were wise, and five were foolish. They that were foolish took their lamps, and took no oil with them: But the wise took oil in their vessels with their lamps. While the bridegroom tarried, they all slumbered and slept. And at midnight there was a cry made, Behold, the bridegroom cometh; go ye out to meet him. Then all those virgins arose, and trimmed their lamps. And the foolish said unto the wise, Give us of your oil; for our lamps are gone out. But the wise answered, saying, Not so; lest there be not enough for us and you: but go ye rather to them that sell, and buy for yourselves. And while they went to buy, the bridegroom came; and they that were ready went in with him to the marriage: and the door was shut. Afterward came also the other virgins, saying, Lord, Lord, open to us. But he answered and said, Verily I say unto you, I know you not. Watch therefore, for ye know neither the day nor the hour wherein the Son of man cometh. For the kingdom of heaven is as a man travelling into a far country, who called his own servants, and delivered unto them his goods. '''And unto one he gave five talents, to another two, and to another one; to every man according to his several ability'''; and straightway took his journey. Then he that had received the five talents went and traded with the same, and made them other five talents. And likewise he that had received two, he also gained other two. But he that had received one went and digged in the earth, and hid his lord's money. After a long time the lord of those servants cometh, and reckoneth with them. And so he that had received five talents came and brought other five talents, saying, Lord, thou deliveredst unto me five talents: behold, I have gained beside them five talents more. His lord said unto him, Well done, thou good and faithful servant: thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord. He also that had received two talents came and said, Lord, thou deliveredst unto me two talents: behold, I have gained two other talents beside them. His lord said unto him, Well done, good and faithful servant; thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord. Then he which had received the one talent came and said, Lord, I knew thee that thou art an hard man, reaping where thou hast not sown, and gathering where thou hast not strawed: And I was afraid, and went and hid thy talent in the earth: lo, there thou hast that is thine. His lord answered and said unto him, Thou wicked and slothful servant, thou knewest that I reap where I sowed not, and gather where I have not strawed: Thou oughtest therefore to have put my money to the exchangers, and then at my coming I should have received mine own with usury. Take therefore the talent from him, and give it unto him which hath ten talents. For unto every one that hath shall be given, and he shall have abundance: but from him that hath not shall be taken away even that which he hath. And cast ye the unprofitable servant into outer darkness: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth. When the Son of man shall come in his glory, and all the holy angels with him, then shall he sit upon the throne of his glory: And before him shall be gathered all nations: and he shall separate them one from another, as a shepherd divideth his sheep from the goats: '''And he shall set the sheep on his right hand, but the goats on the left.''' Then shall the King say unto them on his right hand, Come, ye blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world: '''For I was an hungred, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in: Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me.''' Then shall the righteous answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, and fed thee? or thirsty, and gave thee drink? When saw we thee a stranger, and took thee in? or naked, and clothed thee? Or when saw we thee sick, or in prison, and came unto thee? And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, '''Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.''' Then shall he say also unto them on the left hand, Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels: For I was an hungred, and ye gave me no meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me no drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me not in: naked, and ye clothed me not: sick, and in prison, and ye visited me not. Then shall they also answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, or athirst, or a stranger, or naked, or sick, or in prison, and did not minister unto thee? Then shall he answer them, saying, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye did it not to one of the least of these, ye did it not to me. And these shall go away into everlasting punishment: but the righteous into life eternal.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 25:1–46] (KJV)

*'''Ye know that after two days is the feast of the passover, and the Son of man is betrayed to be crucified.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:2] (KJV)

*Why trouble ye the woman? for she hath wrought a good work upon me. '''For ye have the poor always with you; but me ye have not always.''' For in that she hath poured this ointment on my body, she did it for my burial. Verily I say unto you, Wheresoever this gospel shall be preached in the whole world, there shall also this, that this woman hath done, be told for a memorial of her.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:10–13] (KJV)

*Go into the city to such a man, and say unto him, The Master saith, My time is at hand; I will keep the passover at thy house with my disciples.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:18] (KJV)

*'''Verily I say unto you, that one of you shall betray me.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:21] (KJV)

*He that dippeth his hand with me in the dish, the same shall betray me. '''The Son of man goeth as it is written of him: but woe unto that man by whom the Son of man is betrayed! it had been good for that man if he had not been born.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:23–24] (KJV)

*Thou hast said.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:25] (KJV) Said to Judas.

*'''Take, eat; this is my body. And he took the cup, and gave thanks, and gave it to them, saying, Drink ye all of it; For this is my blood of the new testament, which is shed for many for the remission of sins. But I say unto you, I will not drink henceforth of this fruit of the vine, until that day when I drink it new with you in my Father's kingdom.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:26–29] (KJV)

*All ye shall be offended because of me this night: for it is written, I will smite the shepherd, and the sheep of the flock shall be scattered abroad. But after I am risen again, I will go before you into Galilee.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:31–32] (KJV)

*'''Verily I say unto thee, That this night, before the cock crow, thou shalt deny me thrice.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:34] (KJV) Said to Peter.

*Sit ye here, while I go and pray yonder.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:36] (KJV)

*My soul is exceeding sorrowful, even unto death: tarry ye here, and watch with me.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:38] (KJV)

*'''O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:39] (KJV)

*What, could ye not watch with me one hour? '''Watch and pray, that ye enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:40–41] (KJV)

*'''O my Father, if this cup may not pass away from me, except I drink it, thy will be done.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:42] (KJV)

*Sleep on now, and take your rest: behold, the hour is at hand, and the Son of man is betrayed into the hands of sinners. Rise, let us be going: behold, he is at hand that doth betray me.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:45–46] (KJV)

*Friend, wherefore art thou come?
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:50] (KJV) Said to Judas.

*Put up again thy sword into his place: '''for all they that take the sword shall perish with the sword.''' Thinkest thou that I cannot now pray to my Father, and he shall presently give me more than twelve legions of angels? But how then shall the scriptures be fulfilled, that thus it must be?

[[File:El_Greco_(Domenikos_Theotokopoulos)_-_Christ_Blessing_('The_Saviour_of_the_World')_-_Google_Art_Project.jpg|thumb| And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age. ~[[Jesus]] in Matthew 28:20 ]] 

*Are ye come out as against a thief with swords and staves for to take me? I sat daily with you teaching in the temple, and ye laid no hold on me. But all this was done, that the scriptures of the prophets might be fulfilled.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:55–56] (KJV)

*Thou hast said: nevertheless I say unto you, '''Hereafter shall ye see the Son of man sitting on the right hand of power, and coming in the clouds of heaven.'''
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 26:64] (KJV) Said to Caiaphas, the high priest.

====Chapter 28====

*And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.  
**[[Jesus]] in Matthew 28:20

=== [[Gospel of Mark]] ===
&lt;!-- include only statements ''by'' Jesus here that are not already included above, otherwise go to Gospel of [[Mark]] --&gt;
[[File:El Greco 041.jpg|thumb|Whosoever will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.]]

* The sabbath was made for man, and not man for the sabbath.
** [[w:Gospel of Mark|Mark]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark+2%3A27&amp;version=KJV; 2:27] (KJV)

* Verily I say unto you, All sins shall be forgiven unto the sons of men, and blasphemies wherewith soever they shall blaspheme: But he that shall blaspheme against the Holy Ghost hath never forgiveness, but is in danger of eternal damnation.
** [[w:Gospel of Mark|Mark]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark%203:29;&amp;version=9; 3:28-29] (KJV)

* They came to the other side of the sea, to the country of the Ger′asenes. And when he had come out of the boat, there met him out of the tombs a man with an unclean spirit, who lived among the tombs; and no one could bind him any more, even with a chain; for he had often been bound with fetters and chains, but the chains he wrenched apart, and the fetters he broke in pieces; and no one had the strength to subdue him. Night and day among the tombs and on the mountains he was always crying out, and bruising himself with stones. And when he saw Jesus from afar, he ran and worshiped him; and crying out with a loud voice, he said, “What have you to do with me, Jesus, Son of the Most High God? I adjure you by God, do not torment me.” For he had said to him, “Come out of the man, you unclean spirit!” And Jesus asked him, “What is your name?” He replied, “My name is Legion; for we are many.” And he begged him eagerly not to send them out of the country. Now a great herd of swine was feeding there on the hillside; and they begged him, “Send us to the swine, let us enter them.” So he gave them leave. And the unclean spirits came out, and entered the swine; and the herd, numbering about two thousand, rushed down the steep bank into the sea, and were drowned in the sea.
** Mark 5:1-20

* He also said to them, &quot;You completely invalidate God's command in order to maintain your tradition! For Moses said: &lt;blockquote&gt;Honor your father and your mother; and, &lt;br /&gt; Whoever speaks evil of father or mother &lt;br /&gt; must be put to death.&lt;/blockquote&gt;
** [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark%207:9–10;&amp;version=77; 7:9–10]

* '''Whosoever will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. For whosoever will save his life shall lose it; but whosoever shall lose his life for my sake and the gospel's, the same shall save it. For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?'''
** 8:34b–36 (KJV)

*...whoever is not against us is for us.
** [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark%209:40;&amp;version=31; 9:40]

* The next day as they were leaving Bethany, Jesus was hungry. Seeing in the distance a fig tree in leaf, he went to find out if it had any fruit. When he reached it, he found nothing but leaves, because it was not the season for figs. Then he said to the tree, “May no one ever eat fruit from you again.” And his disciples heard him say it.
** The next day when they came out from Bethany, He was hungry. After seeing in the distance a fig tree with leaves, He went to find out if there was anything on it. When He came to it, He found nothing but leaves, because it was not the season for figs. He said to it, &quot;May no one ever eat fruit from you again!&quot;
** Mark 11:12-14 [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark%2011:12–14;&amp;version=77; 11:12–14]

* One of the scribes came to Jesus and asked him, &quot;Which is the first of all commandments?&quot; Jesus replied,&quot;The first is this: Hear, O Israel! The Lord our God is Lord alone! You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength. The second is like: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. There is no other commandment greater than these.&quot;
** Mark 12:28-34

* In all the nations, the good news has to be preached first.
** [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/mark/13/ 13:10], [[NWT]]

* Heaven and earth shall pass away, but my words shall not pass away.
** Mark 13:31, KJV

* Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned. And these signs will accompany those who believe: In my name they will drive out demons; they will speak in new tongues; they will pick up snakes with their hands; and when they drink deadly poison, it will not hurt them at all; they will place their hands on sick people, and they will get well.
** [[w:Jesus|Jesus]], [[w:Gospel of Mark|Mark]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark%2016:17–18;&amp;version=31; 16:16–18]

==== On the Mount of Olives ====
:&lt;small&gt;Speech on the [[w:Mount of Olives|Mount of Olives]], on the night before his crucifixion.&lt;/small&gt;

* '''Take heed lest any man deceive you: For many shall come in my name, saying, I am Christ; and shall deceive many. And when ye shall hear of wars and rumours of wars, be ye not troubled: for such things must needs be; but the end shall not be yet.''' &lt;br /&gt; For nation shall rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom: and there shall be earthquakes in divers places, and there shall be famines and troubles: these are the beginnings of sorrows. &lt;br /&gt; But take heed to yourselves: for they shall deliver you up to councils; and in the synagogues ye shall be beaten: and ye shall be brought before rulers and kings for my sake, for a testimony against them. And the gospel must first be published among all nations. &lt;br /&gt; But when they shall lead you, and deliver you up, take no thought beforehand what ye shall speak, neither do ye premeditate: but whatsoever shall be given you in that hour, that speak ye: for it is not ye that speak, but the Holy Ghost.'''
** 13:5b–11 (KJV)

* '''Now the brother shall betray the brother to death, and the father the son; and children shall rise up against their parents, and shall cause them to be put to death.And ye shall be hated of all men for my name's sake: but he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved. &lt;br /&gt; But when ye shall see the abomination of desolation, spoken of by Daniel the prophet, standing where it ought not, (let him that readeth understand,) then let them that be in Judaea flee to the mountains: '''And let him that is on the housetop not go down into the house, neither enter therein, to take any thing out of his house: And let him that is in the field not turn back again for to take up his garment. &lt;br /&gt; But woe to them that are with child, and to them that give suck in those days! And pray ye that your flight be not in the winter. For in those days shall be affliction, such as was not from the beginning of the creation which God created unto this time, neither shall be. And except that the Lord had shortened those days, no flesh should be saved: but for the elect's sake, whom he hath chosen, he hath shortened the days.
** 13:12–20 (KJV)

* '''And then if any man shall say to you, Lo, here is Christ; or, lo, he is there; believe him not: For false Christs and false prophets shall rise, and shall shew signs and wonders, to seduce, if it were possible, even the elect. But take ye heed: behold, I have foretold you all things. &lt;br /&gt; But in those days, after that tribulation, the sun shall be darkened, and the moon shall not give her light, And the stars of heaven shall fall, and the powers that are in heaven shall be shaken. &lt;br /&gt; '''And then shall they see the Son of man coming in the clouds with great power and glory. And then shall he send his angels, and shall gather together his elect from the four winds, from the uttermost part of the earth to the uttermost part of heaven.'''
** 13:21–27 (KJV)

* Now learn a parable of the fig tree; When her branch is yet tender, and putteth forth leaves, ye know that summer is near: So ye in like manner, when ye shall see these things come to pass, know that it is nigh, even at the doors. &lt;br /&gt; '''Verily I say unto you, that this generation shall not pass, till all these things be done. Heaven and earth shall pass away: but my words shall not pass away.''' But of that day and that hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels which are in heaven, neither the Son, but the Father. &lt;br /&gt; Take ye heed, watch and pray: for ye know not when the time is. For the Son of Man is as a man taking a far journey, who left his house, and gave authority to his servants, and to every man his work, and commanded the porter to watch. Watch ye therefore: for ye know not when the master of the house cometh, at even, or at midnight, or at the cockcrowing, or in the morning: Lest coming suddenly he find you sleeping. '''And what I say unto you I say unto all, Watch.'''
** 13:28–37 (KJV)

=== [[Gospel of Luke]] ===
[[File:Hagiasophia-christ.jpg|thumb|Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven.]]
&lt;!-- include only statements ''by'' Jesus here that are not already included above, otherwise go to [[Gospel of Luke]] --&gt;
*&quot;And he said to them (Joseph and Mary), “Why were you looking for me? Did you not know that I must be in my Father's house?”
** Luke 2:49 (ESV)

* The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to set the oppressed free, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor.
** Luke 4:18-19 [[New International Version|NIV]]

* '''And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back.'''
** [[w:Jesus|Jesus]] on [[w:usury|usury]] from the [[w:Sermon on the Mount|Sermon on the Mount]], [[w:Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%206:35;&amp;version=31; 6:34–35]

* ''' Ye know not what manner of spirit ye are of. For the Son of man is not come to destroy men's lives, but to save them.''' (KJV)
** 9:55–56 Rebuking James and John for asking if he would command fire to come down from heaven, to consume a village of [[w:Samaritans|Samaritans]] for not receiving them, because they seemed to be headed for Jerusalem.

* In that very hour he became overjoyed in the holy spirit and said: “I publicly praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have carefully hidden these things from wise and intellectual ones and have revealed them to young children. Yes, O Father, because this is the way you approved.
** [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/luke/10/ Luke 10:21], [[New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures]]

* '''A certain man went down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and fell among thieves, which stripped him of his raiment, and wounded him, and departed, leaving him half dead.''' And by chance there came down a certain priest that way: and when he saw him, he passed by on the other side. And likewise a Levite, when he was at the place, came and looked on him, and passed by on the other side. &lt;br /&gt; '''But a certain Samaritan, as he journeyed, came where he was: and when he saw him, he had compassion on him, And went to him, and bound up his wounds, pouring in oil and wine, and set him on his own beast, and brought him to an inn, and took care of him.''' And on the morrow when he departed, he took out two pence, and gave them to the host, and said unto him, Take care of him; and whatsoever thou spendest more, when I come again, I will repay thee. &lt;br /&gt; Which now of these three, thinkest thou, was neighbour unto him that fell among the thieves? &lt;br /&gt; And he said, He that shewed mercy on him. Then said Jesus unto him, '''Go, and do thou likewise.'''
** 10:31–37 The famous parable of the [[w:Good Samaritan|Good Samaritan]].

* And Jesus answered and said unto her, Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things, but one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her.
** 10:41-42 (King James Version| KJV)


* He that is not with me is against me: and he that gathereth not with me scattereth.
** [[w:Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%2011:23;&amp;version=9; 11:23] (KJV)

* Ye fools, did not he that made that which is without make that which is within also?
** 11:40 (KJV)

* '''Woe unto you, lawyers! for ye have taken away the key of knowledge: ye entered not in yourselves, and them that were entering in ye hindered.''' And as he said these things unto them, the scribes and the Pharisees began to urge him vehemently, and to provoke him to speak of many things: Laying wait for him, and seeking to catch something out of his mouth, that they might accuse him.
** 11:52

* When there were gathered together an innumerable multitude of people, insomuch that they trode one upon another, he began to say unto his disciples first of all, '''Beware ye of the leaven of the Pharisees, which is hypocrisy. For there is nothing covered, that shall not be revealed; neither hid, that shall not be known.''' Therefore whatsoever ye have spoken in darkness shall be heard in the light; and that which ye have spoken in the ear in closets shall be proclaimed upon the housetops. And I say unto you my friends, Be not afraid of them that kill the body, and after that have no more that they can do. But I will forewarn you whom ye shall fear: Fear him, which after he hath killed hath power to cast into hell; yea, I say unto you, Fear him.
** 12:1–5

* Are not five sparrows sold for two farthings, and not one of them is forgotten before God? But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not therefore: ye are of more value than many sparrows.
** 12:6–7

* Then he said to them, &quot;Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; '''a man's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions'''.&quot; &lt;br /&gt; And he told them this parable: &quot;The ground of a certain rich man produced a good crop. He thought to himself, 'What shall I do? I have no place to store my crops.' &lt;br /&gt; &quot;Then he said, 'This is what I'll do. I will tear down my barns and build bigger ones, and there I will store all my grain and my goods. And I'll say to myself, &quot;You have plenty of good things laid up for many years. Take life easy; '''eat, drink and be merry'''.&quot; ' &lt;br /&gt; &quot;But God said to him, 'You fool! This very night your life will be demanded from you. Then who will get what you have prepared for yourself?' &lt;br /&gt; &quot;This is how it will be with anyone who stores up things for himself but is not rich toward God.&quot;
** 12:15–21 (NIV)

* Have no fear, little flock, for your Father has approved of giving you the Kingdom.
** [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/luke/12/ 12:32]

* Be ye therefore ready also: for the Son of man cometh at an hour when ye think not.
** 12:40

* The lord of that servant will come in a day when he looketh not for him, and at an hour when he is not aware, and will cut him in sunder, and will appoint him his portion with the unbelievers.
** [[w:Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%2012:46;&amp;version=9; 12:46] (KJV)

* And that servant, which knew his lord's will, and prepared not himself, neither did according to his will, shall be beaten with many stripes.
** [[w:Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%2012:47;&amp;version=9; 12:47] (KJV)

* '''Unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required: and to whom men have committed much, of him they will ask the more. '''
** 12:48

* I came to set fire to the earth, and I wish it were already on fire!
** 12:49 (CEV)

* '''Suppose ye that I am come to give peace on earth? I tell you, Nay; but rather division: For from henceforth there shall be five in one house divided, three against two, and two against three. The father shall be divided against the son, and the son against the father; the mother against the daughter, and the daughter against the mother; the mother in law against her daughter in law, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.''' &lt;br /&gt; And he said also to the people, When ye see a cloud rise out of the west, straightway ye say, There cometh a shower; and so it is. And when ye see the south wind blow, ye say, There will be heat; and it cometh to pass. Ye hypocrites, ye can discern the face of the sky and of the earth; but how is it that ye do not discern this time? '''Yea, and why even of yourselves judge ye not what is right?'''
** 12:51–57 (KJV) Variant translation of 12:57: '''Why do you not judge for yourselves what is right?'''

*If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and his own life also, he cannot be My disciple.
** [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%2014:26;&amp;version=50; 14:26]

* “What man among you with 100 sheep, on losing one of them, will not leave the 99 behind in the wilderness and go after the lost one until he finds it? And when he has found it, he puts it on his shoulders and rejoices. And when he gets home, he calls his friends and his neighbors together, saying to them, ‘Rejoice with me, for I have found my sheep that was lost.’ I tell you that in the same way, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over 99 righteous ones who have no need of repentance.
** [http://wol.jw.org/en/wol/bsync/r4/lp-s/nwt/E/2013/r1/lp-e/42/15#h=141:0-141:86&amp;selbvs=1 Luke 15: 4-7]

* What is exalted among men is an abomination in the sight of God.
** 16:15 [[English Standard Version|ESV]]

* Those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.
** 18:14 [[New International Version|NIV]]

* '''Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven. Verily I say unto you, Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child shall in no wise enter therein.'''
** [http://bible.cc/luke/18-16.htm 18:16–17] (KJV)
** Variant translation: '''Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.''' (NIV)

[[File:Monte Cassino interior 03.jpg|thumb|Yet lackest thou one thing: sell all that thou hast, and distribute unto the [[poor]], and thou shalt have treasure in [[heaven]]: and come, follow me.]]
* Yet lackest thou one thing: sell all that thou hast, and distribute unto the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come, follow me. 
** 18:22 (KJV)

* For it is easier for a camel to go through a needle's eye, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God. 
** 18:25 (KJV)

* Behold, there was a man named Zacchaeus, which was the chief among the publicans, and he was rich. And he sought to see Jesus who he was; and could not for the press, because he was little of stature. And he ran before, and climbed up into a sycomore tree to see him: for he was to pass that way. And when Jesus came to the place, he looked up, and saw him, and said unto him, Zacchaeus, make haste, and come down; for to day I must abide at thy house. And he made haste, and came down, and received him joyfully. And when they saw it, they all murmured, saying, That he was gone to be guest with a man that is a sinner. And Zacchaeus stood, and said unto the Lord: Behold, Lord, the half of my goods I give to the poor; and if I have taken any thing from any man by false accusation, I restore him fourfold. And Jesus said unto him, This day is salvation come to this house, forsomuch as he also is a son of Abraham. For the Son of man is come to seek and to save that which was lost.
** 19:2–10

* '''He added and spake a parable, because he was nigh to Jerusalem, and because they thought that the kingdom of God should immediately appear.''' He said therefore, A certain nobleman went into a far country to receive for himself a kingdom, and to return. And he called his ten servants, and delivered them ten pounds, and said unto them, Occupy till I come. But his citizens hated him, and sent a message after him, saying, We will not have this man to reign over us. And it came to pass, that when he was returned, having received the kingdom, then he commanded these servants to be called unto him, to whom he had given the money, that he might know how much every man had gained by trading. &lt;br /&gt; Then came the first, saying, Lord, thy pound hath gained ten pounds. And he said unto him, Well, thou good servant: because thou hast been faithful in a very little, have thou authority over ten cities. &lt;br /&gt; And the second came, saying, Lord, thy pound hath gained five pounds. And he said likewise to him, Be thou also over five cities. &lt;br /&gt; And another came, saying, Lord, behold, here is thy pound, which I have kept laid up in a napkin: For I feared thee, because thou art an austere man: thou takest up that thou layedst not down, and reapest that thou didst not sow. &lt;br /&gt; And he saith unto him, Out of thine own mouth will I judge thee, thou wicked servant. Thou knewest that I was an austere man, taking up that I laid not down, and reaping that I did not sow: Wherefore then gavest not thou my money into the bank, that at my coming I might have required mine own with usury? &lt;br /&gt; And he said unto them that stood by, Take from him the pound, and give it to him that hath ten pounds. (And they said unto him, Lord, he hath ten pounds.) For '''I say unto you, That unto every one which hath shall be given; and from him that hath not, even that he hath shall be taken away from him. But those mine enemies, which would not that I should reign over them, bring hither, and slay them before me.'''
** 19:11–27; The last line of this parable has been quoted as if it were a command of Jesus, when it is in fact a command given by the protaganist of his story. In later interpretations it was used to justify the collective condemnation and persecution of Jews for not accepting Jesus as the [[w:Messiah|Messiah]], as when [[John Chrysostom]], one of the [[w:Three Holy Hierarchs|Three Holy Hierarchs]], and a [[w:Doctor of the Church|Doctor of the Church]] uses this passage directly to condemn the Jews:
*** The Jewish people were driven by their drunkenness and plumpness to the ultimate evil; they kicked about, they failed to accept the yoke of Christ, nor did they pull the plow of his teaching. Another prophet hinted at this when he said: &quot;Israel is as obstinate as a stubborn heifer.&quot; … Although such beasts are unfit for work, they are fit for killing. And this is what happened to the Jews: while they were making themselves unfit for work, they grew fit for slaughter. This is why Christ said: &quot;But as for these my enemies, who did not want me to be king over them, bring them here and slay them.&quot; ([[w:Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [[s:Bible, King James, Luke#Chapter 19|19:27]])
**** [[John Chrysostom]] (349–ca. 407), ''[http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/source/chrysostom-jews6.html Eight Homilies Against the Jews],'' Homily 1

* At the mount called the mount of Olives, he sent two of his disciples, saying, Go ye into the village over against you; in the which at your entering ye shall find a colt tied, whereon yet never man sat: loose him, and bring him hither. And if any man ask you, Why do ye loose him? thus shall ye say unto him, Because the Lord hath need of him. &lt;br /&gt; And they that were sent went their way, and found even as he had said unto them. And as they were loosing the colt, the owners thereof said unto them, Why loose ye the colt? And they said, The Lord hath need of him.
** 19:29–35

* Then began he to speak to the people this parable; A certain man planted a vineyard, and let it forth to husbandmen, and went into a far country for a long time. And at the season he sent a servant to the husbandmen, that they should give him of the fruit of the vineyard: but the husbandmen beat him, and sent him away empty.And again he sent another servant: and they beat him also, and entreated him shamefully, and sent him away empty. And again he sent a third: and they wounded him also, and cast him out. &lt;br /&gt; Then said the lord of the vineyard, What shall I do? I will send my beloved son: it may be they will reverence him when they see him. &lt;br /&gt; But when the husbandmen saw him, they reasoned among themselves, saying, This is the heir: come, let us kill him, that the inheritance may be ours. &lt;br /&gt; So they cast him out of the vineyard, and killed him. What therefore shall the lord of the vineyard do unto them? &lt;br /&gt; He shall come and destroy these husbandmen, and shall give the vineyard to others. &lt;br /&gt; And when they heard it, they said, God forbid. And he beheld them, and said, '''What is this then that is written, The stone which the builders rejected, the same is become the head of the corner? &lt;br /&gt; Whosoever shall fall upon that stone shall be broken; but on whomsoever it shall fall, it will grind him to powder. &lt;br /&gt; And the chief priests and the scribes the same hour sought to lay hands on him; and they feared the people: for they perceived that he had spoken this parable against them.'''
** 20:9–19

* He is a God, not of the dead, but of the living, for they are all living to him.
** [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/luke/20/ Luke 20:38], [[New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures]]

* People will become faint out of fear and expectation of the things coming upon the inhabited [[earth]], for the powers of the heavens will be shaken. And then they will see the Son of man coming in a [[cloud]] with [[power]] and great [[glory]].
** [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/luke/21/ 21:26-27], [[NWT]]

* ...and he who has no sword, let him sell his garment and buy one.
** Luke 22:36 (NKJV)
* Verily I say unto thee, Today shalt thou be with me in paradise.
** [[w:Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=%20Luke%2023:43&amp;version=KJV 23:43] (KJV)

=== [[Gospel of John]] ===

[[File:Tiffany Jesus Window in Pullman Memorial Universalist Church.jpg|thumb|I am the [[door]]: by me if any man enter in, he shall be [[saved]], and shall go in and out, and find pasture. The [[thief]] cometh not, but for to [[steal]], and to [[kill]], and to [[destroy]]: I am come that they might have [[life]], and that they might have it more [[abundantly]].]]
[[File:Good shepherd 01.jpg|thumb|I am the [[good]] shepherd: the [[w:good shepherd|good shepherd]] giveth his life for the [[sheep]].]]
[[File:Vincent Willem van Gogh 083.jpg|thumb|A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.]]
{{main|Gospel of John}}

* You are Israel's teacher, and do you not understand these things?I tell you the truth, we speak of what we know, and we testify to what we have seen, but still you people do not accept our testimony. I have spoken to you of earthly things and you do not believe; how then will you believe if I speak of heavenly things? No one has ever gone into heaven except the one who came from heaven–the Son of Man. Just as Moses lifted up the snake in the desert, so the Son of Man must be lifted up, that everyone who believes in him may have eternal life. '''For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.''' Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not believed in the name of God's one and only Son. This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God.
**&lt;small&gt;John 3:10–21&lt;/small&gt;
** Variant translation: For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved. ~ 3:17

* If I [Jesus] testify about myself, my testimony is not valid.
** [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John%205:31;&amp;version=31; 5:31]

* ''' Verily, verily, I say unto you, Except ye eat the flesh of the Son of man, and drink his blood, ye have no life in you. Whoso eateth my flesh, and drinketh my blood, hath eternal life; and I will raise him up at the last day. For my flesh is meat indeed, and my blood is drink indeed. He that eateth my flesh, and drinketh my blood, dwelleth in me, and I in him.'''
** 6:53–56

* '''He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone''' at her.
** 8:7 &lt;small&gt;(King James Version)&lt;/small&gt; · There have been long standing disputes and debates about this passage, as [[w:Jesus and the woman taken in adultery|the Wikipedia article on it]] testifies; though it is not found among the earliest currently available manuscripts, contentions about it's absence in some manuscripts date as early as the 300s, including those of [[Augustine of Hippo]] who believed that it was deliberately ''omitted'' from some manuscripts so as to not encourage adultery; some of the earliest available texts could date from around that time, but more recent textual lineage comparisons deem its existence to date at least as early as manuscripts of the 200s or 100s likely. 

* ''' You shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free.'''
** 8:32

* '''I am the [[door]]''': by me if any man enter in, he shall be saved, and shall go in and out, and find pasture. '''The [[thief]] cometh not, but for to [[steal]], and to [[kill]], and to [[destroy]]: I am come that they might have [[life]], and that they might have it more [[abundantly]]. I am the [[good]] shepherd: the [[w:good shepherd|good shepherd]] giveth his life for the [[sheep]].'''
** [https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John+10&amp;version=KJV;SBLGNT 10:9-11]

*'''Jesus answered them, “Is it not written in your law, ‘I said, “You are gods”''' ’? (34) If he called them gods, to whom the word of God came, and the scripture cannot be broken. (35) New King James Version
**[https://biblehub.com/john/10-34.htm John 10:34]

* I am the [[resurrection]] and the [[life]]. The one who exercises faith in me, even though he dies, will come to life; and everyone who is living and exercises faith in me will never die at all.
** [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/john/11/ 11:25-26], [[NWT]]

* If you know these things, happy you are if you do them.
** [http://wol.jw.org/en/wol/b/r1/lp-e/nwt/E/2013/43/13#h=93:564-93:624 13:17], [[New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures]]

* '''A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.'''
** 13:34–35 KJV

* '''I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.'''
** 14:6

* If ye shall ask any thing in my name, I will do it.
** [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John%2014:14;&amp;version=9; 14:14] (KJV)

* My Father is glorified in this, that you keep bearing much fruit and prove yourselves my disciples. Just as the Father has loved me, so I have loved you; remain in my love. If you observe my commandments, you will remain in my love, just as I have observed the commandments of the Father and remain in his [[love]]. “These things I have spoken to you, so that my joy may be in you and your joy may be made full. This is my commandment, that you love one another just as I have loved you. No one has love greater than this, that someone should surrender his life in behalf of his friends. You are my [[friends]] if you do what I am commanding you. I no longer call you slaves, because a slave does not know what his master does. But I have called you friends, because I have made known to you all the things I have heard from my Father.
** [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/john/15/ 15:8-15], [[New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures]]

* I have said these things to you so that by means of me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation, but take courage! I have conquered the world.
** [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/john/16/ 16:33], [[NWT]]

[[File:William Holman Hunt - Christ And The Two Marys.jpg|thumb|The glory which thou gavest me I have given them; that they may be one, even as we are one: I in them, and thou in me, that they may be made perfect in one; and that the world may know that thou hast sent me, and hast loved them, as thou hast loved me.]]
* '''Father, the hour is come; glorify thy Son, that thy Son also may glorify thee''': As thou hast given him power over all flesh, that he should give eternal life to as many as thou hast given him. '''And this is life eternal, that they might know thee the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom thou hast sent.''' &lt;br /&gt; '''I have glorified thee on the earth: I have finished the work which thou gavest me to do.''' And now, O Father, glorify thou me with thine own self with the glory which I had with thee before the world was. &lt;br /&gt; I have manifested thy name unto the men which thou gavest me out of the world: thine they were, and thou gavest them me; and they have kept thy word. Now they have known that all things whatsoever thou hast given me are of thee. For '''I have given unto them the words which thou gavest me; and they have received them, and have known surely that I came out from thee, and they have believed that thou didst send me.''' &lt;br /&gt; I pray for them: I pray not for the world, but for them which thou hast given me; for they are thine. And all mine are thine, and thine are mine; and I am glorified in them.And now I am no more in the world, but these are in the world, and I come to thee. Holy Father, keep through thine own name those whom thou hast given me, that they may be one, as we are. &lt;br /&gt; While I was with them in the world, I kept them in thy name: those that thou gavest me I have kept, and none of them is lost, but the son of perdition; that the scripture might be fulfilled. And now come I to thee; and these things I speak in the world, that they might have my joy fulfilled in themselves. &lt;br /&gt; I have given them thy word; and the world hath hated them, because they are not of the world, even as I am not of the world. I pray not that thou shouldest take them out of the world, but that thou shouldest keep them from the evil. '''They are not of the world, even as I am not of the world. Sanctify them through thy truth: thy word is truth.''' As thou hast sent me into the world, even so have I also sent them into the world. And for their sakes I sanctify myself, that they also might be sanctified through the truth. Neither pray I for these alone, but for them also which shall believe on me through their word; That they all may be one; as thou, Father, art in me, and I in thee, that they also may be one in us: that the world may believe that thou hast sent me. '''And the glory which thou gavest me I have given them; that they may be one, even as we are one: I in them, and thou in me, that they may be made perfect in one; and that the world may know that thou hast sent me, and hast loved them, as thou hast loved me.''' &lt;br /&gt; Father, I will that they also, whom thou hast given me, be with me where I am; that they may behold my glory, which thou hast given me: for thou lovedst me before the foundation of the world. &lt;br /&gt; '''O righteous Father, the world hath not known thee: but I have known thee, and these have known that thou hast sent me. And I have declared unto them thy name, and will declare it: that the love wherewith thou hast loved me may be in them, and I in them.'''
** 17: 1–26, ([[w:Authorized King James Version|KJV]])
** Variant translations:
** '''Father, the time has come. Glorify your Son, that your Son may glorify you. For you granted him authority over all people that he might give eternal life to all those you have given him.''' Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent. '''I have brought you glory on earth by completing the work you gave me to do. And now, Father, glorify me in your presence with the glory I had with you before the world began.''' &lt;br /&gt; I have revealed you to those whom you gave me out of the world. They were yours; you gave them to me and they have obeyed your word. Now they know that everything you have given me comes from you. For '''I gave them the words you gave me and they accepted them. They knew with certainty that I came from you, and they believed that you sent me.''' I pray for them. I am not praying for the world, but for those you have given me, for they are yours. '''All I have is yours, and all you have is mine. And glory has come to me through them.''' I will remain in the world no longer, but they are still in the world, and I am coming to you. Holy Father, protect them by the power of your name — the name you gave me — so that they may be one as we are one. '''While I was with them, I protected them and kept them safe by that name you gave me.''' None has been lost except the one doomed to destruction so that Scripture would be fulfilled. &lt;br /&gt; I am coming to you now, but I say these things while I am still in the world, so that they may have the full measure of my joy within them. I have given them your word and the world has hated them, for they are not of the world any more than I am of the world. My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one. '''They are not of the world, even as I am not of it. Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth.''' As you sent me into the world, I have sent them into the world. For them I sanctify myself, that they too may be truly sanctified. &lt;br /&gt; '''My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you.''' May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. '''I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one: I in them and you in me.''' May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. &lt;br /&gt; Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world. &lt;br /&gt; Righteous Father, though the world does not know you, I know you, and they know that you have sent me. I have made you known to them, and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them.
*** 17: 1–26, ([[w:New International Version|NIV]])

* My kingdom is not of this world: if my kingdom were of this world, then would my servants fight, that I should not be delivered to the Jews: but now is my kingdom not from hence.
** 18: 36, [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John+18%3A36%3B&amp;version=KJV] (KJV)

* Thou sayest that I am a king. To this end was I born, and for this cause came I into the world, that I should bear witness unto the truth. Every one that is of the truth heareth my voice.
** 18:37, [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John+18%3A37%3B&amp;version=KJV] (KJV)

* '''Touch me not; for I am not yet ascended to my Father: but go to my brethren, and say unto them, I ascend unto my Father, and your Father; and to my God, and your God.'''
** John [https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John+20&amp;version=KJV;SBLGNT 20:17] (KJV)

* '''Peace be unto you: as my Father hath sent me, even so send I you. … Receive ye the [[Holy Ghost]]: Whose soever sins ye remit, they are remitted unto them; and whose soever sins ye retain, they are retained.
** John 20:22-23 (KJV)

* Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and [[believe]]. Thomas answered him, &quot;My Lord and my God!&quot;
** John 20:27-28

* Λέγει αὐτῷ ὁ Ἰησοῦς Ὅτι ἑώρακάς με πεπίστευκας; μακάριοι οἱ μὴ ἰδόντες, καὶ πιστεύσαντες.&lt;BR&gt;“Have you believed because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”
** John 20:29

=== [[Acts of the Apostles]]===
* And, being assembled together with them, commanded them that they should not depart from Jerusalem, but wait for the promise of the Father, which, saith he, ye have heard of me. For John truly baptized with water; but ye shall be baptized with the Holy Ghost not many days hence.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4870983 1:4–5] (KJV)

*It is not for you to know the times or the seasons, which the Father hath put in his own power. But ye shall receive power, after that the Holy Ghost is come upon you: and ye shall be witnesses unto me both in Jerusalem, and in all Judaea, and in Samaria, and unto the uttermost part of the earth.
**[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4870983 1:7–8] (KJV)

* '''It is more blessed to give than to receive.'''
** Acts 20:35b

=== [[Book of Revelation|Revelation]] ===
:&lt;small&gt;Statements attributed to Jesus by [[w:John of Patmos|John of Patmos]] in his vision of [[w:Christ|Christ]] and the [[w:Apocalypse|Apocalypse]].&lt;/small&gt;

* I am [[w:Alpha and Omega (Christianity)|Alpha and Omega]], the first and the last: and, What thou seest, write in a book, and send it unto the seven churches which are in Asia; unto Ephesus, and unto Smyrna, and unto Pergamos, and unto Thyatira, and unto Sardis, and unto Philadelphia, and unto Laodicea.
** Revelation 1:11

* I am he that liveth, and was dead; and, behold, I am alive for evermore, Amen; and have the keys of hell and of death. Write the things which thou hast seen, and the things which are, and the things which shall be hereafter
** Revelation 1:18–19

Variant:

* Do not be afraid. I am the First and the Last, and the living one, and I became dead, but look! I am living forever and ever, and I have the [[key]]s of death and of the Grave.
** [[Revelation]] [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/revelation/1/ 1:17-18], [[NWT]]

* Notwithstanding I have a few things against thee, because thou sufferest that woman Jezebel, which calleth herself a prophetess, to teach and to seduce my servants to commit fornication, and to eat things sacrificed unto idols. And I gave her space to repent of her fornication; and she repented not. Behold, I will cast her into a bed, and them that commit adultery with her into great tribulation, except they repent of their deeds. And I will kill her children with death; and all the churches shall know that I am he which searcheth the reins and hearts: and I will give unto every one of you according to your works
** [[w:Book of Revelation|Revelation]] [https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Revelation+2%3A+20-23&amp;version=AKJV]

* The victor and the one who keeps My works to the end: I will give him authority over the nations— &lt;blockquote&gt;and He will shepherd them with an iron scepter; &lt;br /&gt; He will shatter them like pottery— &lt;br /&gt; just as I have received [this] from My Father.&lt;/blockquote&gt;
** [[w:Book of Revelation|Revelation]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Revelation%202:26-27;&amp;version=77; 2:26–27]

* I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, the first and the last.
** Revelation 22:13

* I Jesus have sent mine angel to testify unto you these things in the churches. I am the root and the offspring of [[David]], and the bright and morning star.
** Revelation 22:16

== Aramaic statements ==
&lt;!-- If someone could provide more of these in either an Aramaic or Hebrew transcription, it would be a very welcome addition --&gt;
:&lt;small&gt;Statements of Jesus preserved in the original [[w:Aramaic|Aramaic]], [[w:Transliteration|transliterated]] into [[w:Greek language|Greek]]. For more details on these statements see the Wikipedia articles on the [[w:Aramaic of Jesus|Aramaic of Jesus]] and [[w:Words of Jesus on the cross|Words of Jesus on the cross]].&lt;/small&gt;

[[File:StJohnsAshfield StainedGlass PeterDorcas.jpg|thumb|upright|left|''Talitha koum'']]
===&quot;Little girl, arise.&quot;===
* Aramaic: &quot;{{lang|arc|טלתא קומי|rtl}}&quot; (''{{lang|arc-Latn|Ţlîthâ qûm}}'')
** Greek transliteration: &quot;{{lang|arc-Grek|ταλιθα κουμ}}&quot; (''{{lang|arc-Latn|Talitha koum}}'')
** Words said when reviving the daughter of a Jewish leader after she had been declared dead. Jesus asked, &quot;Why make ye this ado, and weep? the damsel is not dead, but sleepeth.&quot; He then spoke this quote, one of his few statements which have been reliably preserved as a transliteration of the Hebrew/Aramaic which he spoke. (Mark 5:38–42)

[[File:Cristo_crucificado.jpg|thumb|''Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?'']]
===&quot;My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?&quot;===
* Aramaic: &quot;{{lang|arc|אלהי אלהי למא שבקתני|rtl}}&quot; (''{{lang|arc-Latn|Êlî êlî lâmâ `azabtânî}}'')
** Greek transliteration (Mark 15:34): &quot;{{lang|arc-Grek|ελωι ελωι λεμα σαβαχθανι;}}&quot; (''{{lang|arc-Latn|Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?}}'')
** Greek transliteration (Matthew 27:46): &quot;{{lang|arc-Grek|ηλι ηλι λεμα σαβαχθανι;}}&quot; (''{{lang|arc-Latn|Eli, Eli lama sabbachthani?}}'')
** Words spoken during his crucifixion. Jesus here seems to be quoting a [[w:Targum|targum]] of the first line of Psalm 22. This is a quote from King David: &quot;My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me? [Why art thou so] far from helping me, [and from] the words of my roaring?&quot; (Psalm 22:1). Quoting the first verse was a standard Jewish way of referring to a whole psalm. This psalm is regarded by many to be a prophecy of the Messiah's suffering. It ends with a declaration of victory, &quot;They shall come, and shall declare his righteousness unto a people that shall be born, that he hath done [this].&quot; (Psalm 22:31)

== Variants of major statements ==
:&lt;small&gt;''Variants of major statements from different sources compared ''&lt;/small&gt;
&lt;!-- This might eventually become the largest section, but it will likely be a gradual process.--&gt;
[[File:Rossakiewicz Prayer.jpg|thumb|Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name. &lt;br /&gt; Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.]]

* After this manner therefore pray ye: '''Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name. &lt;br /&gt; Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven. &lt;br /&gt; Give us this day our daily bread. &lt;br /&gt; And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. &lt;br /&gt; And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen.'''
** Matthew 6:9–13 (KJV) The version in Luke does not contain the last verse of this passage, and some translations have these two lines as &lt;br /&gt; forgive us our trespass &lt;br /&gt; as we forgive those who trespass against us
** In this manner, therefore, pray: &lt;br /&gt; Our Father in heaven, &lt;br /&gt; Hallowed be Your name. &lt;br /&gt; Your kingdom come. &lt;br /&gt; Your will be done &lt;br /&gt; On earth as it is in heaven. &lt;br /&gt; Give us this day our daily bread. &lt;br /&gt; And forgive us our debts, &lt;br /&gt; As we forgive our debtors. &lt;br /&gt; And do not lead us into temptation, &lt;br /&gt; But deliver us from the evil one. &lt;br /&gt; For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. &lt;br /&gt; Amen.
***Matthew 6:9–13 (NKJV)
** And he said unto them, When ye pray, say, Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name. &lt;br /&gt; Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done, as in heaven, so in earth. &lt;br /&gt; Give us day by day our daily bread. &lt;br /&gt; And forgive us our sins; for we also forgive every one that is indebted to us. &lt;br /&gt; And lead us not into temptation; but deliver us from evil.
*** Luke 11:2–4 (KJV)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

* '''Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.''' (Matthew 7:1–2) (KJV)

* '''Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven''': Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again. (Luke 6:37–38) (KJV)

* '''Do not judge according to appearance, but judge with righteous judgment.''' (John 7:24) (NASB)
** Variant translation: Stop judging by mere appearances, and make a right judgment. (NIV)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

* So watch yourselves. '''If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him.''' If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, 'I repent,' forgive him. (Luke 17:3–4) (NIV)

* If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. (Matthew 18:15) (NIV)
* (Some manuscripts read: &quot;If your brother sins, go and show him his fault...&quot;)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
[[File:Gian Lorenzo Bernini - Dove of the Holy Spirit.JPG|thumb|Whoever blasphemes against the Father will be forgiven, and whoever blasphemes against the Son will be forgiven, but whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven either on earth or in heaven.]]
* '''Whoever blasphemes against the Father will be forgiven, and whoever blasphemes against the Son will be forgiven, but whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven either on earth or in heaven'''. (''Gospel of Thomas'' Saying 44)
** The terms &quot;[[w:Holy Spirit|Holy Spirit]]&quot; or &quot;Holy Ghost&quot; are used as translations of the Greek word πνευμα (''[[w:Pneumatology|Pneuma]]'') meaning &quot;Spirit&quot; or &quot;Breath&quot;; in most of the traditional theologies that developed in the centuries after the crucifixion of Jesus these have been taken to mean the third person of the Christian [[w:Trinity|Trinity]]. Other interpretations not dependent upon trinitarian doctrines also exist.

* '''Wherefore I say unto you, All manner of sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven unto men: but the blasphemy against the Holy Ghost shall not be forgiven unto men. And whosoever speaketh a word against the Son of man, it shall be forgiven him: but whosoever speaketh against the Holy Ghost, it shall not be forgiven him, neither in this world, neither in the world to come.''' (Matthew 12:31–32) (KJV)

* '''Verily I say unto you, All sins shall be forgiven unto the sons of men, and blasphemies wherewith soever they shall blaspheme: But he that shall blaspheme against the Holy Ghost hath never forgiveness, but is in danger of eternal damnation.''' (Mark 3:28–29) (KJV)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

* Master, we saw one casting out devils in thy name, and he followeth not us: and we forbad him, because he followeth not us. But Jesus said, '''Forbid him not: for there is no man which shall do a miracle in my name, that can lightly speak evil of me. For he that is not against us is on our part.'''
** Mark 9:38–40 (KJV)

* '''He that is not with me is against me; and he that gathereth not with me scattereth abroad.'''
** Matthew 12:30 (KJV)

* Master, we saw one casting out devils in thy name; and we forbad him, because he followeth not with us. And Jesus said unto him, '''Forbid him not: for he that is not against us is for us.'''
** Luke 9:49–50 (KJV)

* '''He that is not with me is against me: and he that gathereth not with me scattereth.'''
** Luke 11:23 (KJV)

::The apparent contradiction of these four quotes is not so great a paradox as it might seem. Plainly some could interpret these assertions as being made with an absolutely universal context and application, and thus as absolutely contradictory, but other interpretations recognize that the context of the assertions differ, and thus their application. When someone is actively ''promoting'' things they consider wise, like compassion or liberty against human apathy or hostilities then those who are not &quot;for&quot; them are against them; but when they are simply ''doing'' good, or maintaining and exercising personal freedom and compassion, especially in hostile environments, then those who are not actively against them are for them.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

* All they that take the sword shall perish with the sword.
** Matthew 26:52 (KJV)
** This also is referenced by the author of ''Revelation'' 13:10: He that killeth with the sword must be killed with the sword. Here is the patience and the faith of the saints.
** Proverbial variants (unsourced translations): He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword. &lt;br /&gt; They who live by the sword shall die by the sword.

== [[w:Gnostic Gospels|Gnostic Gospels]] ==
:&lt;small&gt;The term gnostic gospels (pronunciation: naws-tik) refers to gnostic collections of writings or teachings of Jesus. These gospels did not become part of the standard Biblical canon, and are part of what is called New Testament apocrypha. &lt;/small&gt;

=== [[Gospel of Thomas]] (c. 2nd century AD manuscript)===
{{main|Gospel of Thomas}}
[[File:Grunewald - christ.jpg|thumb|The [[Kingdom of God|Kingdom]] is inside of you, and it is outside of you. When you come to [[know]] [[yourselves]], then you will become known, and you will [[realize]] that it is you who are the [[sons]] of the [[living]] Father. But if you will not know yourselves, you dwell in [[poverty]] and it is you who are that poverty.]]
:&lt;small&gt;''The Gospel of Thomas'' or ''Evangelion Thomas'' (Good Message of Thomas), unlike the four canonical gospels, contains very little narrative, and is mostly a list of statements that Yeshua is said to have made. It should be noted that this work was never accepted as [[w:Biblical canon|canonical]], and debate continues whether it was most likely written before or after the gospels that did become canonical. The number at the end of any quotation in this section refers to the generally accepted number of the saying. &lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Friedrich Kreuz im Wald.jpg |thumb|You [[read]] the [[face]] of the [[sky]] and of the [[earth]], but you have not [[recognized]] [[the one]] who is before you, and you do not know how to read this [[moment]].]]

* ''' Whoever shall find the interpretation of these words shall not taste of death.''' (1)
** I have not a devil; but I honour my Father, and ye do dishonour me. And I seek not mine own glory: there is one that seeketh and judgeth. Verily, verily, I say unto you, If a man keep my saying, he shall never see death. (''John'' 8:49–51)

* '''Let him who seeks continue seeking until he finds.''' When he finds, he will become troubled. When he becomes troubled, he will be astonished, and he will rule over [[the All]]. (2)

* If those who lead you say, 'See, the [[Kingdom of God|Kingdom]] is in the [[sky]],' then the [[birds]] of the sky will precede you. If they say to you, 'It is in the [[sea]],' then the [[fish]] will precede you. '''Rather, the Kingdom is inside of you, and it is outside of you. When you come to [[know]] [[yourselves]], then you will become known, and you will realize that it is you who are the sons of the living Father. But if you will not know yourselves, you dwell in [[poverty]] and it is you who are that poverty.''' (3)
** And when he was demanded of the Pharisees, when the kingdom of God should come, he answered them and said, '''The kingdom of God cometh not with observation: Neither shall they say, Lo here! or, lo there! for, behold, the kingdom of God is within you.''' (Luke 17:21)

* '''The man old in days will not hesitate to ask a small child seven days old about the place of [[life]], and he will live. For many who are first will become last, and they will become one and the same.''' (4)

* Recognize what is in your [[sight]], and that which is hidden from you will become plain to you. '''For there is [[nothing]] hidden which will not become manifest.''' (5)

* '''Do not tell [[lies]], and do not do what you [[hate]], for all things are plain in the sight of [[Heaven]]. For nothing hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain without being uncovered.''' (6)

* Blessed is the lion which becomes man when consumed by man; and cursed is the man whom the lion consumes, and the lion becomes man. (7)
** This saying has been interpreted by some as refering to such anger as consumes a man…(rather than is consumed by him, through his reason and love), 'til that man ''is'' the lion of Anger. Other more mystical interpretations might also be found or devised that have merit.

* The Kingdom is like a wise fisherman who cast his net into the sea and drew it up from the sea full of small fish. Among them the wise fisherman found a fine large fish. He threw all the small fish back into the sea and chose the large fish without difficulty. Whoever has ears to hear, let him hear. (8)

* Now the sower went out, took a handful (of seeds), and scattered them. Some fell on the road; the birds came and gathered them up. Others fell on the rock, did not take root in the soil, and did not produce ears. And others fell on thorns; they choked the seed and worms ate them. And others fell on the good soil and produced good fruit: it bore sixty per measure and a hundred and twenty per measure. (9)
** He spake many things unto them in parables, saying, Behold, a sower went forth to sow; And when he sowed, some seeds fell by the way side, and the fowls came and devoured them up: Some fell upon stony places, where they had not much earth: and forthwith they sprung up, because they had no deepness of earth: And when the sun was up, they were scorched; and because they had no root, they withered away. And some fell among thorns; and the thorns sprung up, and choked them: But other fell into good ground, and brought forth fruit, some an hundredfold, some sixtyfold, some thirtyfold. Who hath ears to hear, let him hear. (Matthew 13:3–9)
**see also: Mk4:3–8, Lk8:5–8

* '''I have cast fire upon the world, and see, I am guarding it until it blazes.''' (10)

* '''This heaven will pass away, and the one above it will pass away. The dead are not alive, and the living will not die.''' In the days when you consumed what is dead, you made it what is alive. When you come to dwell in the light, what will you do? On the day when you were one you became two. But when you become two, what will you do? (11)

* Jesus said to His disciples, &quot;Compare me to someone and tell Me whom I am like.&quot; Simon Peter said to Him, &quot;You are like a righteous angel.&quot; Matthew said to Him, &quot;You are like a wise philosopher.&quot; Thomas said to Him, &quot;'''Master, my mouth is wholly incapable of saying whom You are like.'''&quot; &lt;br /&gt; Jesus said, &quot;I am not your master. Because you have drunk, you have become intoxicated by the bubbling spring which I have measured out.&quot; And He took him and withdrew and told him three things. When Thomas returned to his companions, they asked him, &quot;What did Jesus say to you?&quot; Thomas said to them, &quot;If I tell you one of the things which he told me, you will pick up stones and throw them at me; a fire will come out of the stones and burn you up.&quot;(13)

* If you fast, you will give rise to sin for yourselves; and if you pray, you will be condemned; and if you give alms, you will do harm to your spirits. When you go into any land and walk about in the districts, if they receive you, eat what they will set before you, and heal the sick among them. For what goes into your mouth will not defile you, but that which issues from your mouth&amp;mdash;it is that which will defile you. (14)

* If the flesh came into being because of spirit, it is a wonder. But if spirit came into being because of the body, it is a wonder of wonders. Indeed, I am amazed at how this great wealth has made its home in this poverty. (29)

* '''Whoever blasphemes against the Father will be forgiven, and whoever blasphemes against the Son will be forgiven, but whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven either on earth or in heaven'''. (44)

*I disclose my mysteries to those who are worthy of my mysteries. (62)

*I will destroy this house, and no one will be able to build it....(71)

*Adam came from great power and great wealth, but he was not worthy of you. For had he been worthy, [he would] not [have tasted] death. (85)

*[Foxes have] their dens and birds have their nests, but human beings have no place to lay down and rest. (86)

* '''You read the [[face]] of the [[sky]] and of the [[earth]], but you have not recognized the one who is before you, and you do not know how to read this [[moment]].''' (91)

*One who seeks will find, and for [one who knocks] it will be opened (94)

*If you have money, don't lend it at interest. Rather, give [it] to someone from whom you won't get it back.&quot; (95)

*When you make the two into one, you will become children of Adam, and when you say, 'Mountain, move from here!' it will move (106)

*Whoever drinks from my mouth will become like me; I myself shall become that person, and the hidden things will be revealed to him. (108)

* His disciples said to Him, &quot;When will the Kingdom come?&quot; &lt;br /&gt; Jesus said, &quot;'''It will not come by waiting for it. It will not be a matter of saying 'Here it is' or 'There it is.' Rather, the Kingdom of the Father is spread out upon the earth, and men do not see it.'''&quot; (113)

* Simon Peter said to Him, &quot;Let Mary leave us, for women are not worthy of Life.&quot; Jesus said, &quot;I myself shall lead her in order to make her male, so that she too may become a living spirit resembling you males. For every woman who will make herself male will enter the Kingdom of Heaven.&quot; (114)

====Second Infancy Gospel of Jesus/[[w:Infancy Gospel of Thomas|The Infancy Gospel of Thomas]]====

* I, Thomas, an Israelite, judged it necessary to make known to our brethren among the Gentiles, the actions and miracles of Christ in his childhood, which our Lord and God Jesus Christ wrought after his birth in Bethlehem in our country, at which I myself was astonished; the beginning of which was as follows. When the child Jesus was five years of age and there had been a shower of rain that was now over, Jesus was playing with other Hebrew boys by a running stream, and the waters ran over the banks and stood in little lakes; But the water instantly became clear and useful again; they readily obeyed him after he touched them only by his word. Then he took from the bank of the stream some soft clay and formed out of it twelve sparrows; and there were other boys playing with him. But a certain Jew seeing the things which he was doing, namely, his forming clay into the figures of sparrows on the Sabbath day, went presently away and told his father Joseph, 6. Behold, your boy is playing by the river side, and has taken clay and formed it into twelve sparrows, and profanes the Sabbath. Then Joseph came to the place where he was, and when he saw him, called to him, and said, Why do you that which is not lawful to do on the Sabbath day? Then Jesus clapping together the palms of his hands, called to the sparrows, and said to them: Go, fly away; and while you live remember me. So the sparrows fled away, making a noise. The Jews seeing this, were astonished and went away and told their chief persons what a strange miracle they had seen wrought by Jesus.
** [http://ministries.tliquest.net/theology/apocryphas/nt/infancy2.htm &quot;Second Infancy Gospel of Jesus Christ&quot;], Chapter 1, 1-10, 140 CE.

=== [[w:Gospel of Judas|Gospel of Judas]] ===

* [Jesus laughs as he watches his disciples offering a prayer to God before Passover.]&lt;br/&gt; Disciples: Why are you laughing at us?&lt;br/&gt; Jesus says that he is laughing not at them but at their strange idea of pleasing their God.
** Jesus to his disciples from the [[w:Gospel_of_Judas|Judas]]. See &quot;[http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2006/04/17/060417crbo_books Jesus Laughed]&quot; and &quot;[http://www.slate.com/id/2139781/ Judas Saves: Why the lost gospel makes sense]&quot;.

* You will exceed all of them. For you will sacrifice the man that clothes me.
** Jesus to Judas, [[w:Gospel_of_Judas|Judas]]

* Judas: I know who you are and where you have come from. You are from the immortal realm of [[w:Barbelo|Barbelo]].&lt;br/&gt; Jesus: Step away from the others and I shall tell you the mysteries of the Kingdom.
** Exchange between Judas and Jesus from the [[w:Gospel_of_Judas|Judas]]. See &quot;[http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2006/04/17/060417crbo_books Jesus Laughed]&quot; and &quot;[http://www.slate.com/id/2139781/ Judas Saves: Why the lost gospel makes sense]&quot;.

* Only Judas has guessed the master aright—and has discerned that he comes from the heavenly realm of the god &quot;[[w:Barbelo|Barbelo]].&quot; In the realm of Barbelo, it seems, earthly pains are unknown and the fortunate inhabitants are free from the attentions of the God of the Old Testament. Jesus himself is descended in some fashion from Adam's third son, Seth. With Judas' help, he hopes to guide the seed of Seth back to the realm of Barbelo.
** A paraphrasing of Jesus' statements in the [[w:Gospel_of_Judas|Judas]] from &quot;[http://www.slate.com/id/2139781/ Judas Saves: Why the lost gospel makes sense]&quot;. See also &quot;[http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2006/04/17/060417crbo_books Jesus Laughed]&quot;.

* [O]ut beyond the stars, there exists a divine, blessed realm, free of the materiality of this earthly one. This is the realm of [[w:Barbelo|Barbelo]], a name that gnostics gave the celestial Mother, who lives there with, among others, her progeny, a good God awkwardly called the Self-Generated One. Jesus, it turns out, is not the son of the Old Testament God, whose retinue includes a rebellious creator known as [[w:Yaldabaoth|Yaldabaoth]], but an avatar of Adam’s third son, Seth. His mission is to show those lucky members of mankind who still have a “Sethian” spark the way back to the blessed realm. Jesus, we learn, was laughing at the disciples’ prayer because it was directed at their God, the Old Testament God, who is really no friend of mankind but, rather, the cause of its suffering.
** A paraphrasing of Jesus' statements in the [[w:Gospel_of_Judas|Judas]] from &quot;[http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2006/04/17/060417crbo_books Jesus Laughed]&quot;. See also &quot;[http://www.slate.com/id/2139781/ Judas Saves: Why the lost gospel makes sense]&quot;.

* Judas: I saw myself as the twelve disciples were [[stoning]] me.&lt;br/&gt; Jesus: You will be cursed by the other generations … you will come to rule over them.
** Exchange between Judas and Jesus from the [[w:Gospel_of_Judas|Judas]]. See &quot;[http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2006/04/17/060417crbo_books Jesus Laughed]&quot; and &quot;[http://www.slate.com/id/2139781/ Judas Saves: Why the lost gospel makes sense]&quot;.

* Lift up your eyes and look at the cloud and the light within it and the stars surrounding it. The star that leads the way is your star.
** Jesus to Judas, [[w:Gospel_of_Judas|Judas]]. See &quot;[http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2006/04/17/060417crbo_books Jesus Laughed]&quot; and &quot;[http://www.slate.com/id/2139781/ Judas Saves: Why the lost gospel makes sense]&quot;.

=== [[Berlin Codex]] ===
==== [[Gospel of Mary]] ====
:&lt;small&gt;[http://www.gnosis.org/library/marygosp.htm Text online]&lt;/small&gt;

* '''[[All]] [[natures]], all formed things, all [[creatures]] [[exist]] in and with one another and will again be resolved into their own roots, because the nature of matter is dissolved into the roots of its nature alone. He who has ears to hear, let him hear.'''

* There is no [[sin]], but it is you who make sin when you do the things that are like the nature of [[adultery]], which is called sin.&lt;br&gt;That is why the [[Good]] came into your midst, to the [[essence]] of every nature in order to restore it to its root.&lt;br&gt;Then He continued and said, That is why you become [[sick]] and [[die]], for you are deprived of [[the one]] who can [[heal]] you.
** Chapter 4, in response to a question by Peter: &quot;Since you have now explained all things to us, tell us this: what is the sin of the world?&quot;
** Adultery is also translated as &quot;fornication&quot;. [http://www.sacred-texts.com/chr/apo/marym.htm]

* Matter gave [[birth]] to a [[passion]] that has no equal, which proceeded from something contrary to nature. Then there arises a disturbance in its whole body.
** Chapter 4.

* Be of good courage, and if you are discouraged, still take courage over against the various forms of nature. He who has ears to hear, let him hear.
** Chapter 4.

* '''Peace be with you. Receive my peace unto yourselves. Beware that no one lead you astray saying Lo here or lo there! For the Son of Man is within you.''' Follow after Him! Those who seek Him will find Him. Go then and preach the gospel of the Kingdom. '''Do not lay down any rules beyond what I appointed you, and do not give a law like the lawgiver lest you be constrained by it.'''
**Chapter 4.
** Peace be with you. Receive my peace for yourselves. Take heed lest anyone lead you astray with the words, 'Lo, here!' or 'Lo, there!' for the Son of Man is within you. Follow him; those who seek him will find him. Go, therefore, and preach the Gospel of the Kingdom. I have left no commandment but what I have commanded you, and I have given you no law, as the lawgiver did, lest you be bound by it.
** Variant translation. [http://www.sacred-texts.com/chr/apo/marym.htm]

==[[w:New Testament apocrypha|Apocrypha]]==

=== First Infancy Gospel of Jesus Christ/[[w:Syriac Infancy Gospel|The Arabic Gospel of the Infancy of the Saviour]] ===
* And when the Lord Jesus was seven years of age, he was on a certain day with other boys his companions about the same age. Who at play made clay into several shapes, namely, asses, oxen, birds, and other figures. Each boasting of his work and endeavoring to exceed the rest. Then the Lord Jesus said to the boys, I will command these figures which I have made to walk. And immediately they moved, and when he commanded them to return, they returned. He had also made the figures of birds and sparrows, which, when he commanded to fly, did fly, and when he commanded to stand still, did stand still; and if he gave them meat and drink, they did eat and drink. When at length the boys went away and related these things to their parents, their fathers said to them, Take heed, children, for the future, of his company, for he is a sorcerer; shun and avoid him, and from now on never play with him.
** [http://ministries.tliquest.net/theology/apocryphas/nt/infancy1.htm &quot;The First Gospel of the Infancy of Jesus Christ&quot;], Chapter 15, 1-7, 400 CE.

=== [[w:Gospel of Pseudo-Matthew|Gospel of Pseudo-Matthew]] ===

* And it came to pass on the third day of their journey, while they were walking, that the blessed Mary was fatigued by the excessive heat of the sun in the desert; and seeing a palm tree, she said to Joseph: Let me rest a little under the shade of this tree. Joseph therefore made haste, and led her to the palm, and made her come down from her beast. And as the blessed Mary was sitting there, she looked up to the foliage of the palm, and saw it full of fruit, and said to Joseph: I wish it were possible to get some of the fruit of this palm. And Joseph said to her: I wonder that thou sayest this, when thou seest how high the palm tree is; and that thou thinkest of eating of its fruit. I am thinking more of the want of water, because the skins are now empty, and we have none wherewith to refresh ourselves and our cattle. Then the child Jesus, with a joyful countenance, reposing in the bosom of His mother, said to the palm: O tree, bend thy branches, and refresh my mother with thy fruit. And immediately at these words the palm bent its top down to the very feet of the blessed Mary; and they gathered from it fruit, with which they were all refreshed. And after they had gathered all its fruit, it remained bent down, waiting the order to rise from Him who had commanded it to stoop. Then Jesus said to it: Raise thyself, O palm tree, and be strong, and be the companion of my trees, which are in the paradise of my Father; and open from thy roots a vein of water which has been hid in the earth, and let the waters flow, so that we may be satisfied from thee. And it rose up immediately, and at its root there began to come forth a spring of water exceedingly clear and cool and sparkling. And when they saw the spring of water, they rejoiced with great joy, and were satisfied, themselves and all their cattle and their beasts. Wherefore they gave thanks to God.
** &quot;The Gospel of Pseudo-Matthew&quot; Chapter 20, (8th-9th century CE)

==[[w:Gospel of Barnabas|Gospel of Barnabas]] (c. 16th century AD manuscript) ==
[[File:Jesus ascends to heaven.jpg|thumb|Cursed be every one who shall insert into my sayings that I am the son of God. ~ Jesus in [[w:Gospel of Barnabas|Gospel of Barnabas]]]]

* All which a man loves, for which he leaves everything else but that, is his god, thus the glutton and drunkard has for his idol his own flesh, the fornicator has for his idol the harlot and the greedy has for his idol silver and gold, and so the same for every other sinner.
** Ch. 33

* And having said this, Jesus smote his face with both his hands, and then smote the ground with his head. And having raised his head, he said: &quot;'''Cursed be every one who shall insert into my sayings that I am the son of God.'''&quot; At these words the disciples fell down as dead, whereupon Jesus lifted them up, saying: 'Let us fear God now, if we would not be affrighted in that day.'
** Ch. 53

* Jesus answered: &quot;As God lives, in whose presence my soul stands, I am not the Messiah whom all the tribes of the earth expect, even as God promised to our father Abraham, saying: &quot;In your seed will I bless all the tribes of the earth.&quot; But '''when God shall take me away from the world, Satan will raise again this accursed sedition, by making the impious believe that I am God and son of God, whence my words and my doctrine shall be contaminated''', insomuch that scarcely shall there remain thirty faithful ones: whereupon God will have mercy upon the world&quot;
** Ch. 97

[[File:Bécs 010 (4282133536).jpg|thumb|All which a man loves, for which he leaves everything else but that, is his god. ]]
* Jesus answered: &quot;Believe me, Barnabas that I cannot weep as much as I ought. For if men had not called me God, I should have seen God here as he will be seen in paradise, and should have been safe not to fear the day of judgment. But God knows that I am innocent, because never have I harboured thought to be held more than a poor slave. No, '''I tell you that if I had not been called God I should have been carried into paradise when I shall depart from the world, whereas now I shall not go thither until the judgment.''' Now you see if I have cause to weep.&quot;
** Ch. 112

* And '''though I have been innocent in the world, since men have called me &quot;God,&quot; and &quot;Son of God,&quot; God, in order that I be not mocked of the demons on the day of judgment, has willed that I be mocked of men in this world by the death of Judas;, making all men to believe that I died upon the cross'''.
** Ch. 220

==The Book of Mormon and LDS Scripture==

===The Book of Mormon (1830)===
:&lt;small&gt;This section contains quotes by Jesus that occur in the ''[[w:Book of Mormon|Book of Mormon]]'' and ''[[w:LDS|Mormon]] Scriptures''&lt;/small&gt;

* Behold, I am Jesus Christ. I am the Father and the Son.
** ''[[s:Book of Mormon|The Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Ether|Ether]] [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Ether#Chapter_Three|3:14]]. Jesus is both the Father ''and'' the Son.

* Behold, that great city Zarahemla have I burned with fire, and the inhabitants thereof.&lt;br/&gt; And behold, that great city Moroni have I caused to be sunk in the depths of the sea, and the inhabitants thereof to be drowned.&lt;br/&gt; And behold, that great city Moronihah have I covered with earth, …&lt;br/&gt; And behold, the city of Gilgal have I caused to be sunk, and the inhabitants thereof to be buried up in the depths of the earth;&lt;br/&gt; Yea, and the city of Onihah and the inhabitants thereof, and the city of Mocum and the inhabitants thereof, and the city of Jerusalem and the inhabitants thereof; and waters have I caused to come up in the stead thereof, to hide their wickedness and abominations from before my face, …&lt;br/&gt; And behold, the city of Gadiandi, and the city of Gadiomnah, and the city of Jacob, and the city of Gimgimno, all these have I caused to be sunk, …&lt;br/&gt; that great city Jacobugath, which was inhabited by the people of king Jacob, have I caused to be burned with fire …&lt;br/&gt; the city of Laman, and the city of Josh, and the city of Gad, and the city of Kishkumen, have I caused to be burned with fire, and the inhabitants thereof, because of their wickedness in casting out the prophets, and stoning those whom I did send to declare unto them concerning their wickedness and their abominations.&lt;br/&gt; And because they did cast them all out, that there were none righteous among them, I did send down fire and destroy them, …&lt;br/&gt; And many great destructions have I caused to come upon this land, and upon this people, …&lt;br/&gt; Behold, I am Jesus Christ the Son of God.
** ''[[s:Book of Mormon|The Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book_of_Mormon/3_Nephi|3 Nephi]] [[s:Book_of_Mormon/3_Nephi#Chapter_Nine|9:3–15]]

* Behold I have given unto you my gospel, and this is the gospel which I have given unto you—that I came into the world to do the will of my Father, because my Father sent me. And my Father sent me that I might be lifted up upon the cross; and after that I had been lifted up upon the cross, that I might draw all men unto me, that as I have been lifted up by men even so should men be lifted up by the Father, to stand before me, to be judged of their works, whether they be good or whether they be evil— And for this cause have I been lifted up; therefore, according to the power of the Father I will draw all men unto me, that they may be judged according to their works. And it shall come to pass, that whoso repenteth and is baptized in my name shall be filled; and if he endureth to the end, behold, him will I hold guiltless before my Father at that day when I shall stand to judge the world. And he that endureth not unto the end, the same is he that is also hewn down and cast into the fire, from whence they can no more return, because of the justice of the Father. And this is the word which he hath given unto the children of men. And for this cause he fulfilleth the words which he hath given, and he lieth not, but fulfilleth all his words. And no unclean thing can enter into his kingdom; therefore nothing entereth into his rest save it be those who have washed their garments in my blood, because of their faith, and the repentance of all their sins, and their faithfulness unto the end.
** ''[[s:Book of Mormon|The Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book_of_Mormon/3_Nephi|3 Nephi]] [[s:Book_of_Mormon/3_Nephi#Chapter_Twenty-seven|27:13–19]]. In the Book of Mormon, Jesus Christ gave a specific definition of ''the gospel''.

===Doctrine and Covenants===
* I was in the beginning with the Father, and am the Firstborn[.]
** [[w:Jesus|Jesus]], ''[[w:Doctrine and Covenants|Doctrine and Covenants]]'', [[s:The_Doctrine_and_Covenants/Section_93|93:21]]

* Verily, thus saith the Lord unto you my servant [[w:Joseph Smith, Jr.|Joseph]], that inasmuch as you have inquired of my hand to know and understand wherein I, the Lord, justified my servants Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, as also Moses, David and Solomon, my servants, as touching '''the principle and doctrine of their having many wives and concubines—'''&lt;br/&gt; Behold, and lo, I am the Lord thy God, and will answer thee as touching this matter.&lt;br/&gt; Therefore, prepare thy heart to receive and obey the instructions which I am about to give unto you; for all those who have this law revealed unto them must obey the same.&lt;br/&gt; For behold, '''I reveal unto you a new and an everlasting covenant; and if ye abide not that covenant, then are ye damned; for no one can reject this covenant and be permitted to enter into my glory.''' …&lt;br/&gt; if a man marry a wife by my word, which is my law, and by the new and everlasting covenant, and it is sealed unto them by the Holy Spirit of promise, by him who is anointed, unto whom I have appointed this power and the keys of this priesthood …&lt;br/&gt; Then shall ''they be gods'', because they have no end …&lt;br/&gt; to know the only wise and true God, and '''[[w:Jesus Christ|Jesus Christ]], whom he hath sent. I am he. Receive ye, therefore, my law.''' …&lt;br/&gt; God commanded Abraham, and Sarah gave Hagar to Abraham to wife. And why did she do it? Because this was the law; and from Hagar sprang many people. This, therefore, was fulfilling, among other things, the promises. …&lt;br/&gt; Was Abraham, therefore, under condemnation? Verily I say unto you, Nay; for I, the Lord, commanded it. …&lt;br/&gt; Abraham received concubines, and they bore him children; and it was accounted unto him for righteousness, because they were given unto him, and he abode in my law; as Isaac also and Jacob did none other things than that which they were commanded; and because they did none other things than that which they were commanded, they have entered into their exaltation, according to the promises, and sit upon thrones, and are not angels but are gods.&lt;br/&gt; David also received ''many wives and concubines'', and also Solomon and Moses my servants, as also many others of my servants, from the beginning of creation until this time; and in nothing did they sin save in those things which they received not of me. …&lt;br/&gt; David's ''wives and concubines'' were given unto him of me …&lt;br/&gt; And let mine handmaid, [[w:Emma Smith|Emma Smith]], receive all those that have been given unto my servant [[w:Joseph Smith, Jr.|Joseph]] …&lt;br/&gt; Let no one, therefore, set on my servant [[w:Joseph Smith, Jr.|Joseph]]; for I will justify him …&lt;br/&gt; as pertaining to the law of the priesthood—'''if any man espouse a virgin, and desire to espouse another, and the first give her consent, and if he espouse the second, and they are virgins, and have vowed to no other man, then is he justified; he cannot commit adultery for they are given unto him; for he cannot commit adultery with that that belongeth unto him and to no one else.'''&lt;br/&gt; '''And if he have ten virgins given unto him by this law, he cannot commit adultery, for they belong to him, and they are given unto him; therefore is he justified.''' …&lt;br/&gt; [T]hen shall she believe and administer unto him, or she shall be destroyed, saith the Lord your God; for I will destroy her; … if she receive not this law … she then becomes the transgressor; and he is exempt[.]
** [[w:Jesus Christ|Jesus Christ]], speaking through [[w:Joseph Smith, Jr.|Joseph Smith]]'s 12 July [[w:1843 polygamy revelation|1843 polygamy revelation]] on [[w:plural marriage|plural marriage]] and His demand that [[w:Emma Smith|Emma Smith]], the first wife, accept all of [[w:Joseph Smith, Jr.|Joseph Smith]]'s plural wives; ''[[w:Doctrine and Covenants|Doctrine and Covenants]]'', [[s:The_Doctrine_and_Covenants/Section_132|132:1–4, 19, 20, 24, 34, 35, 38, 39, 52, 60–66]].

== Quotes about Jesus ==
[[File:Christianity-Jesus Christ Died for your Sin.jpg|thumb|If the church ... does not make God's liberation of the oppressed central in its mission and proclamation, how can it rest easy with a condemned criminal as the dominant symbol of its message? ~ [[James Cone]]]]
[[File:Mona Haydar and James Hal Cone.jpg|thumb|By becoming poor and entrusting divine revelation to a carpenter from Nazareth, God makes clear where one has to be in order to hear the divine word and experience divine presence. ~ [[James Cone]]]]
[[File:Empress_Zoe_mosaic_Hagia_Sophia.jpg|thumb|In Jesus, God wills to be true God not only in the height but also in the depth — in the depth of human creatureliness, sinfulness and mortality. ~ [[Karl Barth]] ]]
[[File:Rembrandt Jesus and his Disciples.jpg|thumb|As to Jesus of Nazareth, my Opinion of whom you particularly desire, I think the System of Morals and his Religion, as he left them to us, the best the world ever saw or is likely to see; but I apprehend it has received various corrupt changes... ~ [[Benjamin Franklin]] ]]
[[File:A place of worship (2444233066).jpg|thumb|The sublime title &quot;[[wikt:Χριστός|Christ]]&quot; is an adjective which only receives its specific value from the specificity of the noun, Jesus of Nazareth. If Jesus is forgotten, then it becomes possible to fill the adjective with whatever suits at the time, without checking whether Jesus was like that or not, or whether this means leaving the world sunk in its wretchedness or not; or worse still, without asking if this image legitimates the tragedy of the world or brings liberation from it. ~ [[Jon Sobrino]]]]
&lt;small&gt;''Sorted by historical period and date, with sections for quotes from major religious works.''&lt;/small&gt;

=== [[New Testament]] ===
* ὁ λέγων ἐν αὐτῷ μένειν ὀφείλει καθὼς ἐκεῖνος περιεπάτησεν καὶ αὐτὸς οὕτως περιπατεῖν.
** Whoever claims to live in him must live as Jesus did.
*** [[First Epistle of John|1 John]] 2:6 [[New International Version|NIV]]

* For, indeed, while we were still weak, Christ died for ungodly men at the appointed time. For hardly would anyone die for a righteous man; though perhaps for a good man someone may dare to die. But God recommends his own love to us in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.
** [[Paul of Tarsus]], [[Romans]], 5:6-8; New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures (2013 Revision)

====He rose again the third day, 1 Corinthians 15:4====
* After the Sabbath, at dawn on the first day of the week, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went to look at the tomb. There was a violent earthquake, for an angel of the Lord came down from heaven and, going to the tomb, rolled back the stone and sat on it.
* On the first day of the week came Mary Magdalene early, when it was yet dark, unto the sepulcher and saw the stone taken away from the sepulcher.
** ''[[w:The Bible|The Bible]]'' on the discovery of Jesus' absence from the tomb, [[w:Gospel of Matthew|Matthew]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2028:1-2;&amp;version=31; 28:1–2]'s account of the discovery of the tomb (two Mary's arrive at the tomb after sunrise, but before the stone had been removed) versus [[w:Gospel of John|John]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John%2020:1;&amp;version=48; 20:1]'s account (one Mary arrives at the tomb before sunrise, but after the stone had been removed).

* So the women hurried away from the tomb, afraid yet filled with joy, and ran to tell his disciples. Suddenly Jesus met them. &quot;Greetings,&quot; he said. They came to him, clasped his feet and worshiped him.
* Jesus said unto her, &quot;Touch Me not, for I am not yet ascended to My Father …&quot;
** ''[[w:The Bible|The Bible]]'' on the location and events of the resurrected Jesus' first appearance, [[w:Gospel of Matthew|Matthew]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2028:8-9;&amp;version=31; 28:8–9]'s account of the appearance of the resurrected Jesus (Jesus appears away from that tomb, and the Mary's touch his feet; see also [[w:Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%2024:13-15;&amp;version=31; 24:13–15] in which Jesus appears on the road to [[w:Emmaus|Emmaus]], seven miles from [[w:Jerusalem|Jerusalem]]) versus [[w:Gospel of John|John]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John%2020:11-17;&amp;version=48; 20:17]'s account (Jesus appears at the tomb and tells Mary not to touch him).

&lt;table border=&quot;1&quot;&gt;
&lt;tr&gt;
&lt;th colspan=&quot;4&quot;&gt;Holy Bible – the first Easter Sunday morning&lt;/th&gt;
&lt;/tr&gt;
&lt;tr&gt;&lt;td colspan=&quot;4&quot;&gt;&lt;ul&gt;
&lt;li&gt;Regarding The Evidence for the Resurrection, please see [[#AndersonJND1950|Anderson 1950, below]].&lt;/li&gt;
&lt;li&gt;For &quot;Easter Enigma – Are the Resurrection Accounts in Conflict?&quot;, please see [[#WenhamJW2005|Wenham 2005, below]].&lt;/li&gt;
&lt;li&gt;The table lists all the verses, according to the KJV, always in verse order.&lt;/li&gt;
&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/td&gt;&lt;/tr&gt;
&lt;tr&gt;
&lt;th&gt;Matthew&lt;/th&gt;
&lt;th&gt;Mark&lt;/th&gt;
&lt;th&gt;Luke&lt;/th&gt;
&lt;th&gt;John&lt;/th&gt;
&lt;/tr&gt;
&lt;tr&gt;&lt;td&gt;&lt;p&gt;Mt ch28&lt;/p&gt;
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:1&quot;&gt;1&lt;/span&gt; In the end of the sabbath, as it began to dawn toward the first day of the week, came [&quot;went&quot; (NIV)] Mary Magdalene and the other Mary to see the sepulchre.&lt;/p&gt;
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Mk ch16
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mk 16:1&quot;&gt;1&lt;/span&gt; And when the sabbath was past, Mary Magdalene, and Mary the mother of James, and Salome, had bought sweet spices, that they might come and anoint him.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mk 16:2&quot;&gt;2&lt;/span&gt; And very early in the morning the first day of the week, they came [&quot;were on their way&quot; (NIV)] unto the sepulchre at the rising of the sun.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mk 16:3&quot;&gt;3&lt;/span&gt; And they said among themselves, Who shall roll us away the stone from the door of the sepulchre?
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Lk ch24
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Lk 24:1&quot;&gt;1&lt;/span&gt; Now upon the first day of the week, very early in the morning, they came [&quot;went&quot; (NIV)] unto the sepulchre, bringing the spices which they had prepared, and certain others with them.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Jn ch20
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:1&quot;&gt;1&lt;/span&gt; The first day of the week cometh [&quot;went&quot; (NKJV, NIV, Wenham 2005 pp81f)] Mary Magdalene early, when it was yet dark, unto the sepulchre,
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;/tr&gt;

&lt;tr&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Mt ch28
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:2&quot;&gt;2&lt;/span&gt; And, behold, there was [&quot;had been&quot; (KJV margin, Wenham 2005 p78)] a great earthquake: for the angel of the Lord [&quot;had&quot; (Wenham 2005 p78)] descended from heaven, and came [&quot;had come&quot; (Wenham 2005 p78)] and rolled back the stone from the door, and sat upon it.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:3&quot;&gt;3&lt;/span&gt; His countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow:
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:4&quot;&gt;4&lt;/span&gt; And for fear of him the keepers did shake, and became [&quot;had trembled and become&quot; (Wenham 2005 p78)] as dead men.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;/tr&gt;

&lt;tr&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Mk ch16
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mk 16:4&quot;&gt;4&lt;/span&gt; And when they looked, they saw that the stone was rolled away: for it was very great.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Lk ch24
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Lk 24:2&quot;&gt;2&lt;/span&gt; And they found the stone rolled away from the sepulchre.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Jn ch20
&lt;p&gt;and seeth the stone taken away from the sepulchre.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:2&quot;&gt;2&lt;/span&gt; Then she runneth, and cometh to Simon Peter, and to the other disciple, whom Jesus loved, and saith unto them, They have taken away the Lord out of the sepulchre, and we know not where they have laid him.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;/tr&gt;

&lt;tr&gt;&lt;td colspan=&quot;4&quot;&gt;&lt;ul&gt;.


&lt;/ul&gt;&lt;/td&gt;&lt;/tr&gt;

&lt;tr&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Mt ch28
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:5&quot;&gt;5&lt;/span&gt; And the angel answered and said unto the women, Fear not ye: for I know that ye seek Jesus, which was crucified.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:6&quot;&gt;6&lt;/span&gt; He is not here: for he is risen, as he said. Come, see the place where the Lord lay.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:7&quot;&gt;7&lt;/span&gt; And go quickly, and tell his disciples that he is risen from the dead; and, behold, he goeth before you into Galilee; there shall ye see him: lo, I have told you.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:8&quot;&gt;8&lt;/span&gt; And they departed quickly from the sepulchre with fear and great joy; and did run to bring his disciples word.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Mk ch16
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mk 16:5&quot;&gt;5&lt;/span&gt; And entering into the sepulchre, they saw a young man sitting on the right side, clothed in a long white garment; and they were affrighted.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mk 16:6&quot;&gt;6&lt;/span&gt; And he saith unto them, Be not affrighted: Ye seek Jesus of Nazareth, which was crucified: he is risen; he is not here: behold the place where they laid him.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mk 16:7&quot;&gt;7&lt;/span&gt; But go your way, tell his disciples and Peter that he goeth before you into Galilee: there shall ye see him, as he said unto you.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mk 16:8&quot;&gt;8&lt;/span&gt; And they went out quickly, and fled from the sepulchre; for they trembled and were amazed: neither said they any thing to any man; for they were afraid.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Lk ch24
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Lk 24:3&quot;&gt;3&lt;/span&gt; And they entered in, and found not the body of the Lord Jesus.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Lk 24:4&quot;&gt;4&lt;/span&gt; And it came to pass, as they were much perplexed thereabout, behold, two men [&quot;angels&quot; (Luke 24:23)] stood by [&quot;[or] appear[ed] to&quot; (Wenham 2005 p85)] them in shining garments:
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Lk 24:5&quot;&gt;5&lt;/span&gt; And as they were afraid, and bowed down their faces to the earth, they said unto them, Why seek ye the living among the dead?
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Lk 24:6&quot;&gt;6&lt;/span&gt; He is not here, but is risen: remember how he spake unto you when he was yet in Galilee,
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Lk 24:7&quot;&gt;7&lt;/span&gt; Saying, The Son of man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men, and be crucified, and the third day rise again.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Lk 24:8&quot;&gt;8&lt;/span&gt; And they remembered his words,
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;/tr&gt;

&lt;tr&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Jn ch20
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:3&quot;&gt;3&lt;/span&gt; Peter therefore went forth, and that other disciple, and came to the sepulchre.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:4&quot;&gt;4&lt;/span&gt; So they ran both together: and the other disciple did outrun Peter, and came first to the sepulchre.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:5&quot;&gt;5&lt;/span&gt; And he stooping down, and looking in, saw the linen clothes lying; yet went he not in.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:6&quot;&gt;6&lt;/span&gt; Then cometh Simon Peter following him, and went into the sepulchre, and seeth the linen clothes lie,
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:7&quot;&gt;7&lt;/span&gt; And the napkin, that was about his head, not lying with the linen clothes, but wrapped together in a place by itself.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:8&quot;&gt;8&lt;/span&gt; Then went in also that other disciple, which came first to the sepulchre, and he saw, and believed.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:9&quot;&gt;9&lt;/span&gt; For as yet they knew not the scripture, that he must rise again from the dead.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:10&quot;&gt;10&lt;/span&gt; Then the disciples went away again unto their own home.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;/tr&gt;

&lt;tr&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Mk ch16
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mk 16:9&quot;&gt;9&lt;/span&gt; Now when Jesus was risen early the first day of the week, he appeared first to Mary Magdalene, out of whom he had cast seven devils.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Jn ch20
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:11&quot;&gt;11&lt;/span&gt; But Mary stood without at the sepulchre weeping: and as she wept, she stooped down, and looked into the sepulchre,
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:12&quot;&gt;12&lt;/span&gt; And seeth two angels in white sitting, the one at the head, and the other at the feet, where the body of Jesus had lain.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:13&quot;&gt;13&lt;/span&gt; And they say unto her, Woman, why weepest thou? She saith unto them, Because they have taken away my Lord, and I know not where they have laid him.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:14&quot;&gt;14&lt;/span&gt; And when she had thus said, she turned herself back, and saw Jesus standing, and knew not that it was Jesus.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:15&quot;&gt;15&lt;/span&gt; Jesus saith unto her, Woman, why weepest thou? whom seekest thou? She, supposing him to be the gardener, saith unto him, Sir, if thou have borne him hence, tell me where thou hast laid him, and I will take him away.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:16&quot;&gt;16&lt;/span&gt; Jesus saith unto her, Mary. She turned herself, and saith unto him, Rabboni; which is to say, Master.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:17&quot;&gt;17&lt;/span&gt; Jesus saith unto her, Touch me not; for I am not yet ascended to my Father: but go to my brethren, and say unto them, I ascend unto my Father, and your Father; and to my God, and your God.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;/tr&gt;

&lt;tr&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Mt ch28
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:9&quot;&gt;9&lt;/span&gt; And as they went to tell his disciples, behold, Jesus met them, saying, All hail. And they came and held him by the feet, and worshipped him.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:10&quot;&gt;10&lt;/span&gt; Then said Jesus unto them, Be not afraid: go tell my brethren that they go into Galilee, and there shall they see me.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;/tr&gt;

&lt;tr&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Mk ch16
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mk 16:10&quot;&gt;10&lt;/span&gt; And she went and told them that had been with him, as they mourned and wept.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mk 16:11&quot;&gt;11&lt;/span&gt; And they, when they had heard that he was alive, and had been seen of her, believed not.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Lk ch24
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Lk 24:9&quot;&gt;9&lt;/span&gt; And returned from the sepulchre, and told all these things unto the eleven, and to all the rest.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Lk 24:10&quot;&gt;10&lt;/span&gt; It was Mary Magdalene and Joanna, and Mary the mother of James, and other women that were with them, which told these things unto the apostles.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Lk 24:11&quot;&gt;11&lt;/span&gt; And their words seemed to them as idle tales, and they believed them not.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Jn ch20
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Jn 20:18&quot;&gt;18&lt;/span&gt; Mary Magdalene came and told the disciples that she had seen the Lord, and that he had spoken these things unto her.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;/tr&gt;

&lt;tr&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Mt ch28
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:11&quot;&gt;11&lt;/span&gt; Now when they were going, behold, some of the watch came into the city, and shewed unto the chief priests all the things that were done.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:12&quot;&gt;12&lt;/span&gt; And when they were assembled with the elders, and had taken counsel, they gave large money unto the soldiers,
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:13&quot;&gt;13&lt;/span&gt; Saying, Say ye, His disciples came by night, and stole him away while we slept.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:14&quot;&gt;14&lt;/span&gt; And if this come to the governor's ears, we will persuade him, and secure you.
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Mt 28:15&quot;&gt;15&lt;/span&gt; So they took the money, and did as they were taught: and this saying is commonly reported among the Jews until this day.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;/tr&gt;

&lt;tr&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;
Lk ch24
&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:70%&quot; id=&quot;Lk 24:12&quot;&gt;12&lt;/span&gt; Then arose Peter, and ran unto the sepulchre; and stooping down, he beheld the linen clothes laid by themselves, and departed, wondering in himself at that which was come to pass.
&lt;/td&gt;&lt;td&gt;

&lt;/td&gt;&lt;/tr&gt;
&lt;/table&gt;

====Sources====
*I indeed baptize you with water unto repentance: but he that cometh after me is mightier than I, whose shoes I am not worthy to bear: he shall baptize you with the Holy Ghost, and with fire: Whose fan is in his hand, and he will throughly purge his floor, and gather his wheat into the garner; but he will burn up the chaff with unquenchable fire.
**[[w;John the Baptist|John the Baptist]] [[w:Gospel of Matthew|Gospel of Matthew]] [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=4380943 3:11-12] King James Version.

*In this was manifested the love of God toward us, because that God sent his only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through him. Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins.
**John, [[w:First Epistle of John|1 John]][http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=5357535 4:9–10] King James Version.

*Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that ye should follow his steps: Who did no sin, neither was guile found in his mouth: Who, when he was reviled, reviled not again; when he suffered, he threatened not; but committed himself to him that judgeth righteously: Who his own self bare our sins in his own body on the tree, that we, being dead to sins, should live unto righteousness: by whose stripes ye were healed.
**[[w:Saint Peter|Peter]], [[w:First Epistle of Peter|1 Peter]][http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/k/kjv/kjv-idx?type=DIV1&amp;byte=5332719 2:22–24] King James Version.

* If you are insulted because of the name of Christ, you are blessed, for the Spirit of glory and of God rests on you.
** [[w:Saint Peter|Peter]], [[w:First Epistle of Peter|1 Peter]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20Peter%204:14;&amp;version=31; 4:14]

* For he must rule as [[king]] until [[God]] has put all enemies under his feet. And the last enemy, [[death]], is to be brought to nothing.
** [[Paul of Tarsus]], 1 Corinthians [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/1-corinthians/15/ 15: 25-26], [[NWT]]

* Worship God! For the testimony of Jesus is the spirit of prophecy. &lt;br/&gt; Now I saw heaven opened, and behold, a white horse. And He who sat on him was called Faithful and True, and in righteousness He judges and makes war. &lt;br/&gt; His eyes were like a flame of fire, and on His head were many crowns. He had a name written that no one knew except Himself. &lt;br/&gt; He was clothed with a robe dipped in blood, and His name is called The Word of God. … &lt;br/&gt; Now out of His mouth goes a sharp sword, that with it He should strike the nations. And He Himself will rule them with a rod of iron. He Himself treads the winepress of the fierceness and wrath of Almighty God. &lt;br/&gt; And He has on His robe and on His thigh a name written: &lt;blockquote&gt;KING OF KINGS AND LORD OF LORDS.&lt;/blockquote&gt; Then I saw an angel standing in the sun; and he cried with a loud voice, saying to all the birds that fly in the midst of heaven, “Come and gather together for the supper of the great God, &lt;br/&gt; that you may eat the flesh of kings, the flesh of captains, the flesh of mighty men, the flesh of horses and of those who sit on them, and the flesh of all people, free and slave, both small and great.” &lt;br/&gt; And I saw the beast, the kings of the earth, and their armies, gathered together to make war against Him who sat on the horse and against His army. &lt;br/&gt; Then the beast was captured, and with him the false prophet who worked signs in his presence, by which he deceived those who received the mark of the beast and those who worshiped his image. These two were cast alive into the lake of fire burning with brimstone. &lt;br/&gt; And the rest were killed with the sword which proceeded from the mouth of Him who sat on the horse. And all the birds were filled with their flesh.
** ''[[w:The Bible|The Bible]]'', [[w:Book of Revelation|Revelation]] [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Revelation%2019:10-21;&amp;version=9; 19:10–21] (NKJV) This passage has been interpreted by some as referring to the [[w:Second Coming|Second Coming]] of [[w:Jesus|Jesus Christ]], and by others as not actually referring to Jesus, but some herald of the ultimate triumph of [[w:Christ|Christ]].

=== Josephus ===
* Now there was about this time Jesus, a wise man, if it be lawful to call him a man; for he was a doer of wonderful works, a teacher of such men as receive the truth with pleasure. He drew over to him both many of the Jews and many of the Gentiles. He was [the] Christ. And when Pilate, at the suggestion of the principal men amongst us, had condemned him to the cross, those that loved him at the first did not forsake him; for he appeared to them alive again the third day; as the divine prophets had foretold these and ten thousand other wonderful things concerning him. And the tribe of Christians, so named from him, are not extinct at this day.
** [[w:Josephus|Titus Flavius Josephus]], ''[[w:Antiquities of the Jews|Antiquities of the Jews]]'' (c. 93–94 AD), [http://en.wikisource.org/wiki/The_Antiquities_of_the_Jews/Book_XVIII#Chapter_3 Book 18, Chapter 3, 3]. See also [[w:Josephus on Jesus|Josephus on Jesus]] at Wikipedia.

=== The Apostles' Creed ===

{|
| I believe in God the Father Almighty, ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 Corinthians#8:6|1 Corinthians 8:6]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Revelation#1:8|Revelation 1:8]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Isaiah#44:6|Isaiah 44:6]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/2 Corinthians#6:18|2 Corinthians 6:18]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Ephesians#4:6|Ephesians 4:6]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Revelation#19:6|Revelation 19:6]];
|-
| Maker of heaven and earth: ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#1:1|John 1:1-3]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Genesis#1:1|Genesis 1:1-3]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#14:15|Acts 14:15]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#17:24|Acts 17:24-26]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Hebrews#11:3|Hebrews 11:3]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Nehemiah#9:6|Nehemiah 9:6]];
|-
| And in Jesus Christ his only Son our Lord, ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#20:28|John 20:28]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#3:16|John 3:16]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#1:18|John 1:18]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 John#4:9|1 John 4:9]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#10:30|John 10:30,36-38]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#4:10|Acts 4:10-12]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Colossians#1:15|Colossians 1:15-19]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Colossians#2:3|Colossians 2:3,9]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Proverbs#30:4|Proverbs 30:4]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Luke#2:11|Luke 2:11]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 Corinthians#8:6|1 Corinthians 8:6]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/2 Peter#1:16|2 Peter 1:16-18]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Romans#8:31|Romans 8:31-34]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Romans#9:5|Romans 9:5]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Matthew#28:18|Matthew 28:18-19]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 Timothy#3:16|1 Timothy 3:16]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Matthew#4:14|Matthew 4:14-16]];
|-
| Who was conceived by the Holy Ghost, ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Matthew#1:18|Matthew 1:18-20]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Luke#1:35|Luke 1:35]];
|-
| Born of the Virgin Mary, ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Luke#1:27|Luke 1:27,34]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Matthew#1:23|Matthew 1:23]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Matthew#2:4|Matthew 2:4-6]];
|-
| Suffered under Pontius Pilate, ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Luke#3:1|Luke 3:1,2]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Luke#23:13|Luke 23:13-25,32-34,44-46]];
|-
| Was crucified, dead, and buried: ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#4:10|Acts 4:10]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Isaiah#53:4|Isaiah 53:4-9]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#19:20|John 19:20]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Luke#23:52|Luke 23:52-53]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Revelation#5:12|Revelation 5:12,13]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Matthew#27:35|Matthew 27:35]];
|-
| He descended into hell; ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 Peter#3:18|1 Peter 3:18-19]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Revelation#1:18|Revelation 1:18]];
|-
| The third day he rose again from the dead; ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 Corinthians#15:1|1 Corinthians 15:1-8,12-14,19-20]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#2:21|Acts 2:21,22,27-32]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Matthew#28:1|Matthew 28:1-9]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Mark#16:4|Mark 16:4-6]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Luke#24:44|Luke 24:44-47]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#20:1|John 20:1,12-17]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Romans#1:2|Romans 1:2-4]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Matthew#11:4|Matthew 11:4-6]];
|-
| He ascended into heaven, ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#1:9|Acts 1:9-11]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Luke#24:49|Luke 24:49-51]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#20:17|John 20:17]];
|-
| And sitteth on the right hand of God the Father Almighty; ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Hebrews#12:2|Hebrews 12:2]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Hebrews#1:1|Hebrews 1:1-6]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Mark#16:19|Mark 16:19]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Hebrews#9:24|Hebrews 9:24]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Hebrews#10:12|Hebrews 10:12-13]];
|-
| From thence he shall come to judge the quick and the dead. ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#10:42|Acts 10:42]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/2 Timothy#4:1|2 Timothy 4:1]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 Thessalonians#4:15|1 Thessalonians 4:15-18]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/2 Peter#3:8|2 Peter 3:8-13]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Revelation#20:11|Revelation 20:11-14]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Matthew#24:27|Matthew 24:27,36]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Matthew#25:31|Matthew 25:31-34,41,46]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#5:22|John 5:22]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#14:1|John 14:1,3]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/2 Thessalonians#1:7|2 Thessalonians 1:7-10]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#17:30|Acts 17:30,31]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Hebrews#9:27|Hebrews 9:27]];
|-
| I believe in the Holy Ghost; ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Ephesians#4:30|Ephesians 4:30-32]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#15:26|John 15:26]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#16:7|John 16:7-15]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#1:8|Acts 1:8-9]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#13:2|Acts 13:2]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 Corinthians#6:19|1 Corinthians 6:19-20]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Galatians#5:22|Galatians 5:22-25]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#2:16|Acts 2:16-21]];
|-
| The holy Catholic Church; &lt;!--- 2019-01-07  I've removed the k from the archaic word Catholick because somebody else had removed the k here at this wikiquote webpage. ---&gt; ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Ephesians#2:18|Ephesians 2:18-22]];
|-
| The Communion of Saints; ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Galatians#6:2|Galatians 6:2,10]];
|-
| The Forgiveness of sins; ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#13:38|Acts 13:38]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 John#1:8|1 John 1:8 - 2:2]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 Timothy#1:15|1 Timothy 1:15]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Matthew#26:26|Matthew 26:26-28]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Luke#7:48|Luke 7:48]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Acts#10:43|Acts 10:43]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Romans#3:23|Romans 3:23]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Romans#4:5|Romans 4:5]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Romans#5:6|Romans 5:6-10]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Romans#10:4|Romans 10:4-13]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 John#4:9|1 John 4:9-10]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Ephesians#1:7|Ephesians 1:7]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#1:29|John 1:29]];
|-
| The Resurrection of the body, ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 Corinthians#15:42|1 Corinthians 15:42-44,50-54]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Philippians#3:20|Philippians 3:20-21]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Job#19:25|Job 19:25-27]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 Thessalonians#4:16|1 Thessalonians 4:16-17]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#5:28|John 5:28-29]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#6:39|John 6:39-40,44]];
|-
| And the Life everlasting. ||
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#3:14|John 3:14-16]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#10:10|John 10:10]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#11:25|John 11:25]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/John#17:2|John 17:2-3]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 Peter#1:3|1 Peter 1:3-5]];
[[w:Wikisource:Bible (King James)/1 John#5:11|1 John 5:11-13]]
|}

Text of the Apostles' Creed from page 10 of the [https://archive.org/details/bookofcommonpray00lond Book of Common Prayer] from [http://www.archive.org www.archive.org]. Scripture references are KJV&amp;mdash;some from Bunyan's Pilgrim's Progress and [http://www.godonthe.net/evidence/apostle.htm www.godonthe.net/evidence/apostle.htm] and [http://www.baptistboard.com/archive/index.php/t-28938.html www.baptistboard.com/archive/index.php/t-28938.html] and [http://www.archive.org/details/shortexpositiono00luth Evangelical Lutheran synod of Missouri, Ohio and other states (1905), &quot;A Short Exposition of Dr Martin Luther's Small Catechism&quot;, Concordia] available from [http://www.archive.org www.archive.org].

=== [[Ignatius of Antioch]] ===
* ... our Lord Jesus Christ ... that He was ... the Son of God according to the will and power of God; that He was truly born of a virgin ... and was truly, under Pontius Pilate and Herod the tetrarch, nailed [to the cross] for us in His flesh.... [Chapter 3] And after his resurrection He did eat and drink with [those who were with Peter], as being possessed of flesh, although spiritually He was united to the Father.
** [[s:Author:Ignatius of Antioch|''Epistle of Ignatius to the Smyrnaeans,'' chapter 1, 3, shorter version (longer version is similar here). At page 86f of ANF1, that is, Roberts A, Donaldson J and Coxe AC (1885) ''Ante-Nicene Fathers, Vol 1''.]] [c 110 AD.]

=== Pliny the Younger, Governor of Bithynia ===
* Meanwhile, with those who have been brought before me as Christians I have pursued the following course. I have asked them if they were Christians, and if they have confessed, I have asked them a second and third time, threatening them with punishment; if they have persisted, I have commanded them to be led away to punishment.... Moreover, they affirmed that this was the sum of their guilt or error; that they had been accustomed to come together on a fixed day before daylight and to sing responsively a song unto Christ as God; and to bind themselves with an oath, not with a view to the commission of some crime, but, on the contrary, that they would not commit theft, nor robbery, nor adultery, that they would not break faith, nor refuse to restore a deposit when asked for it.... For the contagion of this superstition has permeated not only the cities, but also the villages and even the country districts. Yet it can apparently be arrested and corrected. At any rate, it is certainly a fact that the [pagan] temples, which were almost deserted, are now beginning to be frequented....
** [[w:Pliny the Younger on Christians|Pliny the Younger, Governor of Bithynia]], c112AD, (Pliny, Epp, X, 96)

=== [[Polycarp]] ===
* ... our Lord Jesus Christ, who for our sins suffered even unto death, [but] &quot;whom God raised from the dead, having loosed the bands of the grave&quot; [Acts 2:24]. &quot;In whom, though now ye see Him not, ye believe...&quot; [1 Pet 1:8].... He comes as the Judge of the living and the dead.
** [[s:Author:Polycarp|''Epistle of Polycarp to the Philippians,'' chapters 1 and 2. At page 33 of ANF1, that is, Roberts A, Donaldson J and Coxe AC (1885) ''Ante-Nicene Fathers, Vol 1''.]] [Perhaps about 150 AD.]

=== [[Justin Martyr]] ===
*But Sunday is the day on which we all hold our common assembly, because ... Jesus Christ our Saviour on the same day rose from the dead. For He was crucified on the day before that of Saturn (Saturday); and on the day after that of Saturn, which is the day of the Sun, having appeared to His apostles and disciples, He taught them these things, which we have submitted to you also for your consideration. 
** [[s:Ante-Nicene_Fathers/Volume_I/The_First_Apology|''The first apology of Justin,'' chapter LXVII. c156AD. In ANF1, that is, Roberts A, Donaldson J and Coxe AC (1885) ''Ante-Nicene Fathers, Vol 1''.]]

=== [[Irenaeus]] ===
* The Church, though dispersed throughout the whole world, even to the ends of the earth, has received from the apostles and their disciples this faith: [She believes] in ... God, the Father Almighty, ... and in ... Christ Jesus, our Lord, and God, and Saviour, and King, according to the will of the invisible Father ... and that He should execute just judgment towards all....
** [[s:Author:Irenaeus|''Irenaeus Against Heresies,'' book 1: chapter 10: paragraph 1 (1:10:1). At page 330 of ANF1, that is, Roberts A, Donaldson J and Coxe AC (1885) ''Ante-Nicene Fathers, Vol 1''.]] [c 185 AD.] [The Nicene Creed, effectively. Cf 3:4:2 p417. Cf 5:20:1 p548.]

=== The [[w:Gospel of Mary|Gospel of Mary]] ===

* He questioned them about the Saviour: Did He really speak privately with a woman and not openly to us? Are we to turn about and all listen to her? Did He prefer her to us? &lt;br /&gt; Then Mary wept and said to Peter, My brother Peter, what do you think? Do you think that I have thought this up myself in my heart, or that I am lying about the Saviour? &lt;br /&gt; Levi answered and said to Peter, Peter you have always been hot tempered. &lt;br /&gt; Now I see you contending against the woman like the adversaries. &lt;br /&gt; But if the Saviour made her worthy, who are you indeed to reject her? Surely the Saviour knows her very well. &lt;br /&gt; That is why He loved her more than us. Rather let us be ashamed and put on the perfect Man, and separate as He commanded us and preach the gospel, not laying down any other rule or other law beyond what the Saviour said. &lt;br /&gt; And when they heard this they began to go forth to proclaim and to preach.
** Mary 9:4–10

===Acts of Pilate, or The Gospel of Nicodemus===
* The elders of the Jews answered and said unto Jesus: What shall we see? Firstly, that thou wast born of fornication; secondly, that thy birth in Bethlehem was the cause of the slaying of children; thirdly, that thy father Joseph and thy mother Mary fled into Egypt because they had no confidence before the people.
** [[w:Acts of Pilate|Acts of Pilate]], or [http://www.earlychristianwritings.com/text/gospelnicodemus.html The Gospel of Nicodemus] (ca. 150–255)

===The Talmud===

====Babylonian Talmud====

* Yeshua's [Jesus's] mother was Miriam [Mary]... This is as they say about her in the [[w:Pumbedita|Pumbeditha]]: This one strayed from [was unfaithful to] her husband... He is guilty as a beguiler who says, &quot;I will worship (other gods),&quot;… In the case of any one who is liable to death penalties enjoined in the Law, it is not proper to lie in wait for him except he be a beguiler... [as] they did to Ben Stada [Jesus] whom they hanged on the eve of the Passover... The husband of his [Jesus'] mother was called Stada [Joseph ben Stada], and her seducer [[w:Pandera|Pandera]] [a Roman name].
** ''[[w:The Talmud|The Talmud]]'', [[w:Mishnah|Mishnah]] 27:15, &quot;Offenders Liable to Capital Punishment: The Beguiler to Idolatry&quot; (ca. 200). Peter Schäfer in ''Jesus in the Talmud'' (Princeton, 2007) explains: &quot;if the [Babylonian Talmud] takes it for granted that [Jesus's] mother was an adulteress, then the logical conclusion follows that we was a ''[[w:mamzer|mamzer]]'', a bastard or illegitimate child&quot;.

====Palestinian Talmud====

===Early Middle Ages===

* And the Son of God died; it is by all means to be believed, because it is absurd. And he was buried and rose again; the fact is certain because it is impossible.
** [[Tertullian]] (150–225), ''De Carne Christi''. (This is actually a famous paraphrased translation, based upon separate statements of Tertullian).

* … the Son of God died; it is by all means to be believed, because it is absurd.
** [http://www.tertullian.org/articles/evans_carn/evans_carn_03latin.htm Original Latin]: ''et mortuus est dei filius: prorsus credibile est, quia ineptum est.''
** [[w:Tertullian|Tertullian]], ''[[w:De Carne Christi|De Carne Christi]]'' (5), (ca. 155–230). See also [[w:Fideism|Fideism]] and ''[[w:Credo quia absurdum|Credo quia absurdum]].

* Josephus &amp;hellip; in seeking after the cause of the fall of Jerusalem and the destruction of the temple &amp;hellip; ought to have said that the conspiracy against Jesus was the cause of these calamities befalling the people, since they put to death Christ.
** [[w:Origen|Origen]] (''c.'' 185–''c.'' 254), ''Origin Against Celus'', Book I, Chapter XLVII

* This, I shall say, is He, ''the son of the carpenter or the whore'', the destroyer of the ''Sabbath'', the ''Samaritan'' and Who ''had a devil''. This is He, Whom ye bought of Judas: this is He, Who was smitten with a reed and with bufferings, dishonoured with spittings, drugged with gall and vinegar. This is He, Whom the disciples stole secretly away, that it might be said that He had risen again[.]
** [[w:Tertullian|Tertullian]], ''[[w:De spectaculis|De spectaculis]]'' (ca. 197–202)

* Jesus reveals the law to us when he reveals to us the secrets of the law. For we who are of the catholic Church, we do not spurn the law of Moses but accept it, so long as it is Jesus who reads it to us. Indeed, we can only possess a correct understanding of the Law when he reads it to us, and we are able to receive his sense and understanding.
** [[w:Origen|Origen]] (''c.'' 185–''c.'' 254), in R. B. Tollington, trans., ''Selections from the Commentaries and Homilies of Origen, London, 1929, p. 54

* ‘If,’ said he, ‘the Father begat the Son, he that was begotten had a beginning of existence: and from this it is evident, that there was a time when the Son was not. It therefore necessarily follows, that he had his substance from nothing.’
** [[w:Arius|Arius of Alexandria]], (ca250/256–336) on the [[w:Arianism|Arian heresy]] [http://www.sacred-texts.com/chr/ecf/202/2020014.htm]

* How can we admit that the divine became an embryo, and that after its birth, it was wrapped in swaddling clothes, covered with blood, bile, and even worse things?
** [[w:Porphyry (philosopher)|Porphyry of Tyre]] (''c.'' 233–''c.'' 309 CE), ''Porphyry Against the Christians: The Literary Remains'' (Guildford 1994), expressing the [[w:Neoplatonic|Neoplatonist]]'s skepticism about Jesus' divinity

* Every prophet, every ancient writer, every revolution of the state, every law, every ceremony of the old covenant points only to Christ, announces only him, represents only him.
** [[w:Eusebius of Caesarea|Eusebius of Caesarea]] (''c.'' 263–339?), ''Demonstratio'' Evangelium, 4: 15 in J. P. Migne, ed., ''Patrologia Graeca'', Paris, 1857–66, vol. 22, p. 296

* [T]he Jewish people were driven by their drunkenness and plumpness to the ultimate evil; they kicked about, they failed to accept the yoke of Christ, nor did they pull the plow of his teaching. Another prophet hinted at this when he said: &quot;Israel is as obstinate as a stubborn heifer.&quot; … Although such beasts are unfit for work, they are fit for killing. And this is what happened to the Jews: while they were making themselves unfit for work, they grew fit for slaughter. This is why Christ said: &quot;But as for these my enemies, who did not want me to be king over them, bring them here and slay them.&quot; ([[w:Gospel of Luke|Luke]] [[s:Bible, King James, Luke#Chapter 19|19:27]])
** [[w:Saint John Chrysostom|Saint John Chrysostom]] (349–ca. 407) in Κατά Ιουδαίων [''Adversus Judaeos'' or ''Against the Jews'' or ''Against Judaizing Christians''] as translated in [http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/source/chrysostom-jews6.html ''Eight Homilies Against the Jews''], Homily 1. Many Christians have since condemned Chrysostom's [[w:Rhetoric|rhetoric]] against Jewish traditions, and its later use for antisemitic campaigns, specifically those of Nazi Germany; Rev. [[w:Richard John Neuhaus|Richard John Neuhaus]] explains that &quot;John Chrysostom in fourth-century Constantinople should not be held responsible for the misrepresentation of his writings by Nazis in twentieth-century Germany&quot; (''First Things'', [http://www.firstthings.com/article.php3?id_article=3939 November 1996]).

* The heathen ... begins to praise Christ, not in order to do him honor, but to make you despair. It is the deadly cunning of the serpent, to turn you away from Christ by praising Christ, to extol deceitfully the one he doesn’t dare to disparage. He exaggerates the sovereign majesty of Christ in order to make him out quite unique, to stop you hoping for anything like what was demonstrated in his rising.
** [[Augustine of Hippo]], “How to answer their exaggerated praise of Christ and their disparaging of Christians,” Sermon 361:15

===The [[Qur'an]] and the [[Hadith]]===
[[File:Harhab mini.JPG|thumb|[[w:The Dome of the Rock|The Dome of the Rock]] ({{lang|ar|مسجد قبة الصخرة|rtl}}) in Jerusalem (built 692 CE) which contains inscriptions that proclaim God's uniqueness and deny that He has any son or requires any assistance.]]
:&lt;small&gt;This section contains quotes about Isa (Jesus) that occur in the [[w:Qur'an|Qur'an]] and the [[w:Hadith|Hadith]].&lt;/small&gt;

====The Qur'an====
:&lt;small&gt;[[Wikisource:Qur'an|Qur'an]] in Wikisouce&lt;/small&gt;


[[File:Quran.jpg|thumb|In blasphemy indeed are those that say that God is Christ the son of Mary. Say: Who then hath the least power against God, if He wished to destroy Christ the son of Mary, his mother, and all those on the earth? ~ [[Qur'an]]]]

* Surah ii. 81: &quot;Moreover, to Moses gave we 'the Book,' and we raised up apostles after him; and to Jesus, son of Mary, gave we clear proofs of his mission and strengthened him by the Holy Spirit. So oft then as an apostle cometh to you with that which your souls desire not, swell ye with pride, and treat some as imposters, and slay others?&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Surah ii. 254: &quot;Some of the apostles we have endowed more highly than others: Those to whom God hath spoken. He hath raised to the loftiest grade, and to Jesus, son of Mary we gave manifest signs, and we strengthened him with the Holy Spirit. And if God had pleased, they who came after them would not have wrangled, after the clear signs had reached them. But into disputes they fell; some of them believed, and some were infidels; yet if God had pleased, they would not have thus wrangled; but God doth what he will.&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Surah iii. 37-42: &quot;And remember when the angels said, 'O Mary! Verily hath God chosen thee, and purified thee, and chosen thee above the women of the worlds! O Mary! Be devout towards thy Lord, and prostrate thyself and bow down with those who bow.' This is one of the announcements of things unseen by thee: To thee, O Muhammad! do we reveal it; for thou wast not with them when they cast lots with reeds which of them should rear Mary: nor wast thou with them when they disputed about it. Remember when the angel said, &quot;O mary! Verily God annnounceth to thee the Word from Him: His name shall be Messiah Jesus the son of Mary, illustrious in this world, and in the next, and one of those who have near access to God; and he shall speak to mean alike when in the cradle and when grown up; and he shall be one of the just.' She said, 'How, O my Lord? Shall I have a son, when man hath not touched me?' He said, 'Thus: God will create what He will; when He decreeth a thing He only saith, &quot;Be,&quot; and it is.' And He will teach him the Book, and the Wisdom, and the Law, and the Evangel; and he shall be an apostle to the children of Israel.&quot; 
** Quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Surah iii. 44: &quot;And I have come to attest the law which was before me; and to allow you part of that which had been forbidden you; and I come to you with a sign from your Lord; Fear God, then, and obey me; of a truth God is my Lord, and your Lord: Therefore worship Him. This is a right way.&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* And he will speak to the people when in the cradle and when of old age, and (he will be) one of the good ones.
** Qur'an 3:46

* She said: My Lord! How can I have a child when no mortal hath touched me? He said: So (it will be). Allah createth what He will. If He decreeth a thing, He saith unto it only: Be! and it is. &lt;br /&gt; And He will teach him the Scripture and wisdom, and the Torah and the Gospel, &lt;br /&gt; And will make him a messenger unto the Children of Israel, (saying): Lo! I come unto you with a sign from your Lord. Lo! I fashion for you out of clay the likeness of a bird, and I breathe into it and it is a bird, by Allah's leave. I heal him who was born blind, and the leper, and I raise the dead, by Allah's leave. And I announce unto you what ye eat and what ye store up in your houses. Lo! herein verily is a portent for you, if ye are to be believers. &lt;br /&gt; And (I come) confirming that which was before me of the Torah, and to make lawful some of that which was forbidden unto you. I come unto you with a sign from your Lord, so keep your duty to Allah and obey me.
** The [[Quran]] [http://skepticsannotatedbible.com/quran/3/index.htm Sura 3:47-50] as translated by [[w:Marmaduke Pickthall|Marmaduke Pickthall]] in ''[[w:The Meaning of the Glorious Koran|The Meaning of the Glorious Koran]]'' (1930)

* Surah iii. 51, 52: &quot;These signs, and this wise warning do we rehearse to thee. Verily, Jesus is as Adam in the sight of God. He created Him of dust: He then said to him, 'Be,' - and he was.&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* And when Allah said: O Isa, [Jesus] I am going to terminate the period of your stay (on earth) and cause you to ascend unto Me and purify you of those who disbelieve and make those who follow you above those who disbelieve to the day of resurrection; then to Me shall be your return, so l will decide between you concerning that in which you differed.
** [[s:ar:أَلْقُرآن أَلْكَرِيم|Original]]: {{lang|ar|إِذْ قَالَ اللّهُ يَا عِيسَى إِنِّي مُتَوَفِّيكَ وَرَافِعُكَإِلَيَّ وَمُطَهِّرُكَ مِنَ الَّذِينَ كَفَرُواْ وَجَاعِلُ الَّذِينَ اتَّبَعُوكَفَوْقَ الَّذِينَ كَفَرُواْ إِلَى يَوْمِ الْقِيَامَةِ ثُمَّ إِلَيَّ مَرْجِعُكُمْفَأَحْكُمُ بَيْنَكُمْ فِيمَا كُنتُمْ فِيهِ تَخْتَلِفُونَ|rtl}}
** The [[Qur'an]], [http://www.hti.umich.edu/cgi/k/koran/koran-idx?type=DIV0&amp;byte=72808 Sura 3:55] ([[w:Al Imran|The Family of Amram]], {{lang|ar|سورة آل عمران}})

* Surah iii. 72, 73: &quot;And some truly are there among them who torture the Scriptures with they tongues, in order that ye may suppose it to be from the Scripture, yet it is not from the Scripture. And they say, 'This is from God'; yet it is not from God; and they utter s lie against God, and they know they do so. It beseemeth not a man, that God should give his the Scriptures and the Wisdom, and the gift of prophecy, and that then he should say to his followers, 'Be ye worshipers of me, as well as of God'; but rather, 'Be ye perfect in things pertaining to God, since ye know the Scriptures, and have studied deep.'&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Then because of their breaking of their covenant, and their disbelieving in the revelations of Allah, and their slaying of the prophets wrongfully, and their saying: Our hearts are hardened — Nay, but Allah set a seal upon them for their disbelief, so that they believe not save a few — &lt;br /&gt; And because of their disbelief and of their speaking against Mary a tremendous calumny; &lt;br /&gt; And because of their saying: We slew the Messiah, Jesus son of Mary, Allah's messenger — they slew him not nor crucified him, but it appeared so unto them; and lo! those who disagree concerning it are in doubt thereof; they have no knowledge thereof save pursuit of a conjecture; they slew him not for certain. &lt;br /&gt; But Allah took him up unto Himself. Allah was ever Mighty, Wise. &lt;br /&gt; There is not one of the People of the Scripture but will believe in him before his death, and on the Day of Resurrection he will be a witness against them.
** [[s:ar:أَلْقُرآن أَلْكَرِيم|Original]]:{{lang|ar|فَبِمَا نَقْضِهِم مِّيثَاقَهُمْ وَكُفْرِهِم بَآيَاتِ اللّهِ وَقَتْلِهِمُ الأَنْبِيَاءَبِغَيْرِ حَقًّ وَقَوْلِهِمْ قُلُوبُنَا غُلْفٌ بَلْ طَبَعَ اللّهُ عَلَيْهَابِكُفْرِهِمْفَلاَ يُؤْمِنُونَ إِلاَّ قَلِ &lt;br /&gt; وَبِكُفْرِهِمْ وَقَوْلِهِمْ عَلَى مَرْيَمَبُهْتَاناً عَظِيماً &lt;br /&gt; وَقَوْلِهِمْ إِنَّا قَتَلْنَا الْمَسِيحَ عِيسَى ابْنَمَرْيَمَرَسُولَ اللّهِ وَمَا قَتَلُوهُ وَمَا صَلَبُوهُ وَلَـكِن شُبِّهَ لَهُمْ وَإِنَّالَّذِينَاخْتَلَفُواْ فِيهِ لَفِي شَكٍّ مِّنْهُ مَا لَهُم بِهِ مِنْ عِلْمٍ إِلاَّ اتِّبَاعَالظَّنِّوَمَا قَتَلُوهُ يَقِينا &lt;br /&gt; بَل رَّفَعَهُ اللّهُ إِلَيْهِ وَكَانَ اللّهُعَزِيزاً حَكِيماً &lt;br /&gt; وَإِن مِّنْ أَهْلِ الْكِتَابِ إِلاَّ لَيُؤْمِنَنَّ بِهِ قَبْلَ مَوْتِهِوَيَوْمَالْقِيَامَةِ يَكُونُ عَلَيْهِمْ شَهِيدا|rtl}}
** The [[Qur'an]], [http://www.sacred-texts.com/isl/pick/004.htm Sura 4:155–159] ([[w:An-Nisa|The Women]], {{lang|ar|سورة النساء|rtl}})

* Surah iv. 169: &quot;O ye people of the Book! Overstep not bounds in your religion; and of God, speak only truth. The Messiah, Jesus, son of Mary, is only an apostle of God, and His Word which he conveyed into Mary, and a Spirit from Him. Believe, therefore, in God and His apostles, and say not, 'Three': (i.e. there is a Trinity) - Forbear - it will be better for you. God is only one God! Far be it from His glory that He should have a son! His, whatever is in the Heavens, and whatever is in the Earth! And God is a sufficient Guardian.&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* O followers of the Book! [The Bible] do not exceed the limits in your religion, and do not speak (lies) against Allah, but (speak) the truth; the Messiah, Isa son of Marium [Jesus son of Mary] is only an apostle of Allah and His Word which He communicated to Marium and a spirit from Him; believe therefore in Allah and His apostles, and say not, Three. Desist, it is better for you; Allah is only one God; far be It from His glory that He should have a son, whatever is in the heavens and whatever is in the earth is His, and Allah is sufficient for a Protector.
** [[s:ar:أَلْقُرآن أَلْكَرِيم|Original]]: {{lang|ar|يَا أَهْلَ الْكِتَابِ لاَ تَغْلُواْ فِي دِينِكُمْ وَلاَ تَقُولُواْعَلَى اللّهِ إِلاَّ الْحَقِّ إِنَّمَا الْمَسِيحُ عِيسَى ابْنُ مَرْيَمَ رَسُولُاللّهِ وَكَلِمَتُهُ أَلْقَاهَا إِلَى مَرْيَمَ وَرُوحٌ مِّنْهُ فَآمِنُواْ بِاللّهِوَرُسُلِهِ وَلاَ تَقُولُواْ ثَلاَثَةٌ انتَهُواْ خَيْراً لَّكُمْ إِنَّمَا اللّهُإِلَـهٌوَاحِدٌ سُبْحَانَهُ أَن يَكُونَ لَهُ وَلَدٌ لَّهُ مَا فِي السَّمَاوَاتوَمَا فِي الأَرْضِ وَكَفَى بِاللّهِ وَكِيل|rtl}}
** The [[Qur'an]], [http://www.hti.umich.edu/cgi/k/koran/koran-idx?type=DIV0&amp;byte=114839 Sura 4:171] ([[w:An-Nisa|The Women]], {{lang|ar|سورة النساء|rtl}})

* In blasphemy indeed are those that say that God is Christ the son of Mary. Say: &quot;Who then hath the least power against God, if He wished to destroy Christ the son of Mary, his mother, and all those on the earth? For to God belongeth the dominion of the heavens and the earth, and all that is between. He createth what He pleaseth. For God hath power over all things.&quot;
** Qur'an 5:17

* Surah v. 50, 51: &quot;And in the footsteps of the prophets caused we Jesus, the son of Mary, to follow, confirming the law which was before him; and we gave him the Evangel with its guidance and light, confirmatory of the preceding Law: a guidance and warning to those who fear God:- And that the people of the Evangel may judge according to what God hath sent down therein. And whose will not judge by what God hath sent down - such are the perverse.&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Certainly they disbelieve who say: Surely Allah, He is the Messiah, son of Marium; and the Messiah said: O Children of Israel! serve Allah, my Lord and your Lord. Surely whoever associates (others) with Allah, then Allah has forbidden to him the garden, and his abode is the fire; and there shall be no helpers for the unjust. &lt;br/&gt; Certainly they disbelieve who say: Surely Allah is the third (person) of the three; and there is no god but the one God, and if they desist not from what they say, a painful chastisement shall befall those among them who disbelieve.
** [[s:ar:أَلْقُرآن أَلْكَرِيم|Original]]: {{lang|ar|لَقَدْ كَفَرَ الَّذِينَ قَالُواْ إِنَّ اللّهَ هُوَالْمَسِيحُ ابْنُ مَرْيَمَ وَقَالَ الْمَسِيحُ يَا بَنِي إِسْرَائِيلَ اعْبُدُواْاللّهَ رَبِّي وَرَبَّكُمْ إِنَّهُ مَن يُشْرِكْ بِاللّهِ فَقَدْ حَرَّمَ اللّهُعَلَيهِالْجَنَّةَ وَمَأْوَاهُ النَّارُ وَمَا لِلظَّالِمِينَ مِنْ أَنصَارٍ &lt;br /&gt; لَّقَدْ كَفَرَ الَّذِينَ قَالُواْ إِنَّ اللّهَ ثَالِثُ ثَلاَثَةٍ وَمَا مِنْإِلَـهٍ إِلاَّ إِلَـهٌ وَاحِدٌ وَإِن لَّمْ يَنتَهُواْ عَمَّا يَقُولُونَ لَيَمَسَّنَّالَّذِينَ كَفَرُواْ مِنْهُمْ عَذَابٌ أَلِي|rtl}}
** The [[Qur'an]], [http://www.hti.umich.edu/cgi/k/koran/koran-idx?type=DIV0&amp;byte=158021 Sura 5:72–73] ([[w:Al-Ma'ida|The Dinner Table]], {{lang|ar|سورة المائدة|rtl}}

* Surah v. 76-69: &quot;They misbelieve who say, 'Verily, God is the Messiah, the son of Mary'; but the Messiah said, 'O children of Israel! Worship God, my Lord and your Lord; verily, he who associates aught with God, God hath forbidden him Paradise, and his resort is the Fire, and the unjust shall have none to help them. They misbelieve who say, 'Verily God is the third of three, for there is no God but one; and if they do not desist from what they say, there shall touch those who misbelieve amongst them grievous woe. Will they not turn again towards God and ask pardon of Him? For God is forgiving and merciful.' The Messiah, the son of Mary, is only a prophet! Prophets before him have passed away; and his mother was a confessor; they used both to eat food. See how we explain to them the signs, yet see how they turn aside!&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Surah lvii. 26, 27: &quot;And of old sent we Noah and Abraham, and on their seed conferred the gift of prophecy, and the Book; and some of them we guided aright; but many were evil doers. Then we caused our apostles to follow in their footsteps; and we caused Jesus the son of Mary to follow them; and we gave him the Evangel and we put into the hearts of those who followed him kindness and compassion; but as to the monastic life, they invented it themselves. The desire only of pleasing God did we prescribe to them, and this they observed not as it ought to have been observed; but to such of them as believed gave we their reward, though many of them were perverse.&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Surah xix. 16-21: &quot;And make mention in the Book, of Mary, when she went apart from her family, eastward, and took a veil to shroud herself from them: and We sent Our spirit to her, and he took before her the form of a perfect man. She said: 'I fly for refuge from thee to the God of Mercy! If thou fearest Him, begone from me.' He said: 'I am only a messenger of they Lord, that I may bestow on thee a holy son.' She said: 'How shall I have a son, when man hath never touched me? And I am not unchaste.' He said: 'So shall it be. Thy Lord hath said: &quot;Easy is this with me; and we will make him a sign to mankind and a mercy from us. For it is a thing decreed.&quot;'&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Then she brought him to her own folk, carrying him. They said: O Mary! Thou hast come with an amazing thing. &lt;br /&gt; O sister of Aaron! Thy father was not a wicked man nor was thy mother a harlot. &lt;br /&gt; Then she pointed to him. They said: How can we talk to one who is in the cradle, a young boy? &lt;br /&gt; He spake: Lo! I am the slave of Allah. He hath given me the Scripture and hath appointed me a Prophet, &lt;br /&gt; And hath made me blessed wheresoever I may be, and hath enjoined upon me prayer and almsgiving so long as I remain alive, &lt;br /&gt; And (hath made me) dutiful toward her who bore me, and hath not made me arrogant, unblest. &lt;br /&gt; Peace on me the day I was born, and the day I die, and the day I shall be raised alive! &lt;br /&gt; Such was Jesus, son of Mary: (this is) a statement of the truth concerning which they doubt. &lt;br /&gt; It befitteth not (the Majesty of) Allah that He should take unto Himself a son. Glory be to Him! When He decreeth a thing, He saith unto it only: Be! and it is. &lt;br /&gt; And lo! Allah is my Lord and your Lord. So serve Him. That is the right path. &lt;br /&gt; The sects among them differ: but woe unto the disbelievers from the meeting of an awful Day. &lt;br /&gt; See and hear them on the Day they come unto Us! yet the evil-doers are today in error manifest. &lt;br /&gt; And warn them of the Day of anguish when the case hath been decided. Now they are in a state of carelessness, and they believe not.
** [[s:ar:أَلْقُرآن أَلْكَرِيم|Original]]: {{lang|ar| فَأَتَتْ بِهِ قَوْمَهَا تَحْمِلُهُ قَالُوا يَا مَرْيَمُ لَقَدْ جِئْتِ شَيْئاًفَرِيّاً &lt;br /&gt; يَا أُخْتَ هَارُونَ مَا كَانَ أَبُوكِ امْرَأَ سَوْءٍ وَمَا كَانَتْأُمُّكِ بَغِيّاً &lt;br /&gt; فَأَشَارَتْ إِلَيْهِ قَالُوا كَيْفَ نُكَلِّمُ مَن كَانَفِيالْمَهْدِ صَبِيّاً &lt;br /&gt; قَالَ إِنِّي عَبْدُ اللَّهِ آتَانِيَ الْكِتَابَ وَجَعَلَنِينَبِيّاً &lt;br /&gt; وَجَعَلَنِي مُبَارَكاً أَيْنَ مَا كُنتُ وَأَوْصَانِي بِالصَّلَاةِوَالزَّكَاةِ مَا دُمْتُ حَيّاً &lt;br /&gt; وَبَرّاً بِوَالِدَتِي وَلَمْ يَجْعَلْنِيجَبَّاراً شَقِيّاً &lt;br /&gt; وَالسَّلَامُ عَلَيَّ يَوْمَ وُلِدتُّ وَيَوْمَ أَمُوتُوَيَوْمَ أُبْعَثُ حَيّاً &lt;br /&gt; ذَلِكَ عِيسَى ابْنُ مَرْيَمَ قَوْلَ الْحَقِّالَّذِي فِيهِ يَمْتَرُونَ &lt;br /&gt; مَا كَانَ لِلَّهِ أَن يَتَّخِذَ مِن وَلَدٍ سُبْحَانَهُإِذَا قَضَى أَمْراً فَإِنَّمَا يَقُولُ لَهُ كُن فَيَكُونُ &lt;br /&gt; وَإِنَّ اللَّهَرَبِّي وَرَبُّكُمْفَاعْبُدُوهُ هَذَا صِرَاطٌ مُّسْتَقِيمٌ &lt;br /&gt; فَاخْتَلَفَ الْأَحْزَابُ مِنبَيْنِهِمْ فَوَيْلٌ لِّلَّذِينَ كَفَرُوا مِن مَّشْهَدِ يَوْمٍ عَظِيمٍ &lt;br /&gt; أَسْمِعْ بِهِمْوَأَبْصِرْ يَوْمَ يَأْتُونَنَا لَكِنِ الظَّالِمُونَ الْيَوْمَ فِي ضَلَالٍ مُّبِينٍ &lt;br /&gt; وَأَنذِرْهُمْ يَوْمَ الْحَسْرَةِ إِذْ قُضِيَ الْأَمْرُ وَهُمْ فِي غَفْلَةٍوَهُمْ لَا يُؤْمِنُونَ|rtl}}
** The [[Qur'an]], [http://www.sacred-texts.com/isl/pick/019.htm Sura 19:27–39] ([[w:Maryam|Maryam]], {{lang|ar|سورة مريم|rtl}}

* Surah lxi. 6: &quot;And remember when Jesus the son of Mary said, 'O children of Israel! Of a truth I am God's apostle to you to confirm the law which was given before me, and to announce an apostle that shall come after me whose name shall be Ahmad! But when he (Ahmad) presented himself with clear proofs of his mission, they said, 'This is manifest sorcery!&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Surah xxiii. 52: &quot;And we appointed the Son and his Mother for a sign; and we prepared an abode in a lofty spot, quiet and watered with springs.&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Surah v. 112-115: &quot;Remember when the Apostles said: 'O Jesus, Son of Mary! Is thy Lord able to send down a furnished table to us out of Heaven?' He said: 'Fear God if ye be believers.' They said: 'We desire to eat therefrom, and to have our hearts assured; and to know that thou hast indeed spoken truth to us, and to be witnesses thereof.' Jesus, Son of Mary, said: 'O God our Lord! Send down a table to us out of Heaven, that it may become a recurring festival to us, to the first of us and to the last of us, and a sign from thee; and do thou nourish us, for thou art the best of nourishers.' And God said: 'Verily, I will cause it to descend unto you; but whoever among you after that shall disbelieve, I will surely chastise him with a chastisement wherewith I will not chastise any other creature. 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Surah v. 19: &quot;Infidels now are they who say, 'Verily God is Messiah Ibn Maryam (son of Mary)! SAY: And who could aught obtain from God, if he chose to destroy the Messiah Ibn Maryam, and his mother, and all who are on the earth together?'&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* And when Allah will say: O Isa son of Marium! [Jesus son of Mary] did you say to men, Take me and my mother for two gods besides Allah he will say: Glory be to Thee, it did not befit me that I should say what I had no right to (say); if I had said it, Thou wouldst indeed have known it; Thou knowest what is in my mind, and I do not know what is in Thy mind, surely Thou art the great Knower of the unseen things.
** [[s:ar:أَلْقُرآن أَلْكَرِيم|Original]]: {{lang|ar|وَإِذْ قَالَ اللّهُ يَا عِيسَى ابْنَ مَرْيَمَ أَأَنتَ قُلتَ لِلنَّاسِ اتَّخِذُونِيوَأُمِّيَ إِلَـهَيْنِ مِن دُونِ اللّهِ قَالَ سُبْحَانَكَ مَا يَكُونُ لِي أَنْأَقُولَ مَا لَيْسَ لِي بِحَقٍّ إِن كُنتُ قُلْتُهُ فَقَدْ عَلِمْتَهُ تَعْلَمُمَا فِينَفْسِي وَلاَ أَعْلَمُ مَا فِي نَفْسِكَ إِنَّكَ أَنتَ عَلاَّمُ الْغُيُوب|rtl}}
** The [[Qur'an]], [http://www.hti.umich.edu/cgi/k/koran/koran-idx?type=DIV0&amp;byte=158021 Sura 5:116] ([[w:Al-Ma'ida|The Dinner Table]], {{lang|ar|سورة المائدة|rtl}}

* Surah vi. 85: &quot;And Zachariah, John, Jesus, and Elias: all were just persons.&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Surah ix. 30: &quot;The Jews say Ezra is the Son of God; and the Christians say that the Messiah is the Son of God; that is what they say with their mouths imitating the sayings of those who misbelieve before - God fight them! - How they lie!&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Then she conceived him; and withdrew with him to a remote place. ‏And the throes of childbirth drove her to the trunk of a palm-tree. She said: Oh, would that I had died before this, and had been a thing quite forgotten! ‏So a voice came to her from beneath her: Grieve not, surely thy Lord has provided a stream beneath thee. ‏ And shake towards thee the trunk of the palm-tree, it will drop on thee fresh ripe dates. ‏So eat and drink and cool the eye. Then if thou seest any mortal, say: Surely I have vowed a fast to the Beneficent, so I will not speak to any man to-day.
** Qur'an 19:22-26

* But she pointed to him. They said: How should we speak to one who is a child in the cradle? He said: I am indeed a servant of Allah. He has given me the Book and made me a prophet. And He has made me blessed wherever I may be, and He has enjoined on me prayer and poor-rate so long as I live:
** Qur'an 19:29-31

* Surah xliii. 57-65: &quot;And when the Son of Mary was set forth as an instance of divine power, lo! Thy people cried out for joy thereat: And they said, &quot;Are our god or is he the better?' They put this forth to thee only in the spirit of dispute. Yea. They are a contentious people. Jesus is no more than a servant whom we favored, and proposed as an instance of divine power to the children of Israel; and if we pleased, we could from yourselves bring forth Angels to succeed you on earth; and he shall be a sign of the last hour; doubt not then of it, and follow ye me: this is the right way; and let not Satan turn you aside from it, for he is your manifest foe. And when Jesus came with manifest proofs, he said, 'Now am I come to you with wisdom; and a part of those things about which ye are at variance I will clear up to you; fear ye God, therefore, and obey me. Verily, God is my Lord and your Lord; wherefore, worship ye him: this is a right way.' But the different parties fell into disputes among themselves; but woe to those who thus transgressed, because of the punishment of an afflictive day!&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* Surah xix. 35, 36: &quot;That is Jesus, the son of Mary, the word of truth (Qaulu 'l-Haqq), whereon ye do dispute! God could not take to Himself a son! Celebrated be His praise! When He decrees a matter He only say to it 'BE,' and it is; and verily God is my Lord and your Lord, so worship Him: this is the right way. But the sects have differed among themselves.&quot; 
**    quoted from T.P. Hughes: Dictionary of Islam.

* And when Isa son of Marium [Jesus son of Mary] said: O children of Israel! surely I am the apostle of Allah to you, verifying that which is before me of the Taurat and giving the good news of an Apostle who will come after me, his name being [[w:Ahmad (name)|Ahmad]] [Muhammad], but when he came to them with clear arguments they said: This is clear magic.
** [[s:ar:أَلْقُرآن أَلْكَرِيم|Original]]: {{lang|ar|وَإِذْ قَالَ عِيسَى ابْنُ مَرْيَمَ يَا بَنِي إِسْرَائِيلَ إِنِّي رَسُولُ اللَّهِإِلَيْكُم مُّصَدِّقاًلِّمَا بَيْنَ يَدَيَّ مِنَ التَّوْرَاةِ وَمُبَشِّراً بِرَسُولٍ يَأْتِي مِنبَعْدِي اسْمُهُ أَحْمَدُ فَلَمَّاجَاءهُم بِالْبَيِّنَاتِ قَالُوا هَذَا سِحْرٌ مُّبِينٌ|rtl}}
** The [[Qur'an]], [http://www.hti.umich.edu/cgi/k/koran/koran-idx?type=DIV0&amp;byte=874756 Sura 61:6] ([[w:As-Saff|The Ranks]], {{lang|ar|سورة الصف|rtl}}

* Say: He, Allah, is One. &lt;br/&gt; Allah is He on Whom all depend. &lt;br/&gt; He begets not, nor is He begotten. &lt;br/&gt; And none is like Him.
** [[s:ar:أَلْقُرآن أَلْكَرِيم|Original]]: {{lang|ar|بِسْمِ اللهِ ٱلرَّحْمَـٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيمِ &lt;br /&gt; قُلْ هُوَ اللَّهُ أَحَدٌ &lt;br /&gt; اللَّهُ الصَّمَدُ &lt;br /&gt; لَمْ يَلِدْوَلَمْ يُولَدْ &lt;br /&gt; وَلَمْ يَكُن لَّهُ كُفُواً أَحَدٌ|rtl}}
** The [[Qur'an]], [http://www.hti.umich.edu/cgi/k/koran/koran-idx?type=DIV0&amp;byte=969810 Sura 112:1–4] ([[w:Al-Ikhlas|The Unity]], {{lang|ar|سورة الإخلاص|rtl}} This statement was declared as a rebuke to Christian doctrines of Jesus as the incarnation of God, and that God could beget a son that was his equal.

====The [[Hadith]]====
:&lt;small&gt;[[Wikisource:Hadith|Hadith]] in Wikisouce&lt;/small&gt;
* The Prophet said, &quot;On the night of my Ascent to the Heaven, I saw Moses who was a tall brown curly-haired man as if he was one of the men of Shan'awa tribe, and I saw Jesus, a man of medium height and moderate complexion inclined to the red and white colors and of lank hair. I also saw Malik, the gate-keeper of the (Hell) Fire and [[w:Dajjal|Ad-Dajjal]] [the [[w:Antichrist|Antichrist]]] amongst the signs which Allah showed me.&quot;
** [[w:Hadith|Hadith]], translation of [[Sahih Bukhari|Sahih Bukhari]], [http://www.usc.edu/dept/MSA/fundamentals/hadithsunnah/bukhari/054.sbt.html#004.054.462 Volume 4, Book 54, Number 462]

* Allah's Apostle said &quot;How will you be when the son of Mary ([[w:Jesus Christ|Jesus]]) descends amongst you and he will judge people by the Law of the Qur'an and not by the law of Gospel?&quot;
** [[w:Hadith|Hadith]], translation of [[w:Sahih Bukhari|Sahih Bukhari]], [http://www.usc.edu/dept/MSA/fundamentals/hadithsunnah/bukhari/055.sbt.html#004.055.554 Volume 4, Book 55, Number 65]

* The Prophet said, &quot;On the Day of Resurrection the Believers will assemble and say, 'Let us ask somebody to intercede for us with our Lord.' … 'Go to Jesus, Allah's Slave, His Apostle and Allah's Word and a Spirit coming from Him.' Jesus will say, 'I am not fit for this undertaking, go to Muhammad the Slave of Allah whose past and future sins were forgiven by Allah.' So they will come to me and I will proceed till I will ask my Lord's Permission and I will be given permission.
** [[w:Hadith|Hadith]], translation of [[w:Sahih Bukhari|Sahih Bukhari]], [http://www.usc.edu/dept/MSA/fundamentals/hadithsunnah/bukhari/060.sbt.html#006.060.149 Volume 6, Book 50, Number 3]

* By Him in Whose hand is my life, the son of Mary will soon descend among you as a just judge. He will break crosses, kill swine and abolish Jizya and the wealth will pour forth to such an extent that no one will accept it.
** [[Hadith]], translation of [[w:Sahih Bukhari|Sahih Bukhari]], [https://sunnah.com/muslim/1/296 Book 1, Hadith 296]

===Islamic Inscriptions from the Dome of the Rock ({{lang|ar|مسجد قبة الصخرة|rtl}})===
[[File:Dehio 10 Dome of the Rock Floor plan.jpg|thumb|Oh God, bless Your Messenger and Your servant Jesus son of Mary. Peace be on him the day he was born, and the day he dies, and the day he shall be raised alive! &lt;!-- Floor plan for the octagonal arcade of [[w:The Dome of the Rock|The Dome of the Rock]] ({{lang|ar|مسجد قبة الصخرة|rtl}}) in Jerusalem (built 692 CE), which contains numerous inscriptions that refer to Jesus --&gt;]]

* &quot;O People of the Book! Do not exaggerate in your religion nor utter aught concerning God save the truth. The Messiah, Jesus son of Mary, was only a Messenger of God, and His Word which He conveyed unto Mary, and a spirit from Him. So believe in God and His messengers, and say not 'Three' — Cease! (it is better for you! — God is only One God. Far be it removed from His transcendent majesty that He should have a son. His is all that is in the heavens and all that is in the earth. And God is sufficient as Defender.&quot; (Quran 4:171)
** [[w:Islam|Islamic]] inscription in the east-northeast inner octagonal arcade of the [[w:Dome of the Rock|Dome of the Rock]], Jerusalem (692 CE), [link to [http://www.islamic-awareness.org/History/Islam/Inscriptions/DoTR.html full text and translation]]

* Oh God, bless Your Messenger and Your servant Jesus son of Mary. Peace be on him the day he was born, and the day he dies, and the day he shall be raised alive! Such was Jesus, son of Mary, (this is) a statement of the truth concerning which they doubt.
** [[w:Islam|Islamic]] inscription in the north-northwest inner octagonal arcade of the [[w:Dome of the Rock|Dome of the Rock]], Jerusalem (692 CE), [link to [http://www.islamic-awareness.org/History/Islam/Inscriptions/DoTR.html full text and translation]]

* It befitteth not (the Majesty of) God that He should take unto Himself a son. Glory be to Him! When He decreeth a thing, He saith unto it only: Be! and it is. Lo! God is my Lord and your Lord. So serve Him. That is the right path. God (Himself) is witness that there is no God save Him.
** [[w:Islam|Islamic]] inscription in the northwest-west inner octagonal arcade of the [[w:Dome of the Rock|Dome of the Rock]], Jerusalem (692 CE), [link to [http://www.islamic-awareness.org/History/Islam/Inscriptions/DoTR.html full text and translation]]

* There is no god but God. He is One. Praise be to God, Who hath not taken unto Himself a son, and Who hath no partner in the Sovereignty, nor hath He any protecting friend through dependence.
** [[w:Islam|Islamic]] inscription in the west-northwest inner octagonal arcade of the [[w:Dome of the Rock|Dome of the Rock]], Jerusalem (692 CE), [link to [http://www.islamic-awareness.org/History/Islam/Inscriptions/DoTR.html full text and translation]]

===High Middle Ages===

* The purpose and cause of the incarnation was that He might illuminate the world by His wisdom and excite it to the love of Himself.
** [[Peter Abelard]] (1079–1142), as quoted in &quot;The Abelardian Doctrine Of The Atonement&quot; (1892), published in ''Doctrine and Development : University Sermons'' (1898) by Hastings Rashdall, p. 138

* If it be necessary, therefore, as it appears, that the heavenly kingdom be made up of men, and this cannot be effected unless the aforesaid satisfaction be made, which none but God can make and none but man ought to make, it is necessary for the God-man to make it.
** [[St. Anselm]] of Canterbury (1033–1109), ''Cur Deus Homo''

===The Reformation and Counter-Reformation===

* If You return to earth, come armed Lord,&lt;br&gt;because enemies are preparing other crosses&lt;br&gt;—not Turks, not Jews—but those of Your own kingdom
** [[Tommaso Campanella]], &quot;To Jesus Christ&quot;, as cited in Roush, Sherry, 2011, ''Selected Philosophical Poems of Tommaso Campanella'', University of Chicago Press, p. 18. Jesus

* He did not call them Abraham's children, but a &quot;brood of vipers&quot; [Matt. 3:7]. Oh, that was too insulting for the noble blood and race of Israel, and they declared, &quot;He has a demon' [Matt 11:18]. Our Lord also calls them a &quot;brood of vipers&quot;; furthermore in John 8 [:39,44] he states: &quot;If you were Abraham's children ye would do what Abraham did... You are of your father the devil. It was intolerable to them to hear that they were not Abraham's but the devil's children, nor can they bear to hear this today.
** [[w:Martin Luther|Martin Luther]] (1543), quoting what Jesus is said to have declared to some of the Jewish religious leaders of his time. ''[[w:On the Jews and Their Lies|On the Jews and Their Lies]]'' [http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/source/luther-jews.html]

* In those holy fields. &lt;br /&gt; Over whose acres walk'd those blessed feet &lt;br /&gt; Which, fourteen hundred years ago, were nail'd &lt;br /&gt; For our advantage on the bitter cross.
** [[William Shakespeare]], [[Henry IV, Part 1|''Henry IV'', Part I]] (c. 1597), Act I, scene 1, line 24

* And on his brest a bloodie crosse he bore, &lt;br /&gt; The deare remembrance of his dying Lord, &lt;br /&gt; For whose sweete sake that glorious badge he wore.
** [[Edmund Spenser]], ''The Faerie Queene'' (1589–96), Book I, Canto I, Stanza 2

===The Age of Reason (Seventeenth Century)===

* I must at this juncture declare that those doctrines which certain churches put forward concerning Christ, I neither affirm nor deny, for I freely confess that I do not grasp them.
** [[w:Baruch Spinoza|Baruch Spinoza]], ''[[w:Theologico-Political Treatise|Theologico-Political Treatise]]'' [http://www.yesselman.com/ttpelws1.htm#1:50understand] (1677)

===The Age of Enlightenment (Eighteenth Century)===

* We Recognize No Sovereign but God, and no King but Jesus!
** [[John Adams]] and [[John Hancock]] (April 18, 1775)[http://www.eadshome.com/QuotesoftheFounders.htm])

*Jesus taught the world nothing that had not been taught as earnestly before by other [[Masters of Wisdom|masters]]. He begins His [[Sermon on the Mount|sermon [on the Mount]]] with certain purely Buddhistic precepts that had found acceptance among the [[Essenes]], and were generally practiced by the Orphikoi, and the [[w:Neo-platonists|Neo-platonists]]... Every word of His sermon is an echo of the essential principles of monastic [[Buddhism|Buddhism.]]	
**[[H.P. Blavatsky]] in ''[[Isis Unveiled]]'' Vol. 2, (1877)

*I believe blindly in those words of Christ that I clearly understand and still more in those that were expressed by Him in the [[Sermon on the Mount]] for I find them literally repeated in the [[Buddhist]] sermons of [[Gautama]], in the [[Dhammapada]] and in the Sastras of Siddhartha Buddha, as well as the Egyptian Book of the Dead.
**[[H.P. Blavatsky]], ''The Letters of H. P. Blavatsky'': Volume 1 1861-1879, ISBN-13: 978-0835608367

*The religion which the primitive teaching of the early few apostles most resembled — a religion preached by Jesus himself — is the elder of... Buddhism. The latter as taught in its primitive purity, and carried to perfection by the last of the Buddhas, Gautama, based its moral ethics on three fundamental principles. It alleged that 1, every thing existing, exists from natural causes; 2, that virtue brings its own reward, and vice and sin their own punishment; and, 3, that the state of man in this world is probationary... However puzzling the subsequent theological tenets; however seemingly incomprehensible the metaphysical abstractions which have convulsed the theology of every one of the great religions of mankind as soon as it was placed on a sure footing, the above is found to be the essence of every religious philosophy, with the exception of later Christianity. It was that of Zoroaster, of Pythagoras, of Plato, of Jesus, and even of Moses, albeit the teachings of the Jewish law-giver have been so piously tampered with. 
**[[H.P. Blavatsky|H.P. Blavatsky]], ''[[w:Isis Unveiled|Isis Unveiled]]'', Vol. II, Chapter III, p. 124 (1877)

*Perhaps the Church of Rome was but consistent in choosing as her titular founder the apostle who thrice denied his master at the moment of danger; and the only one, moreover, except Judas, who provoked Christ in such a way as to be addressed as the &quot;Enemy.&quot; &quot;Get thee behind me, Satan!&quot; exclaims Jesus, rebuking the taunting apostle.(Gospel according to Mark, viii. 33.) There is a tradition in the Greek Church which has never found favor at the Vatican. The former traces its origin to one of the Gnostic leaders — Basilides, perhaps, who lived under Trajan and Adrian, at the end of the first and the beginning of the second century. With regard to this particular tradition, if the Gnostic is Basilides, then he must be accepted as a sufficient authority, having claimed to have been a disciple of the Apostle Matthew, and to have had for master Glaucias, a disciple of St. Peter himself...  
**[[H.P. Blavatsky|H.P. Blavatsky]], ''[[w:Isis Unveiled|Isis Unveiled]]'', Vol. II, Chapter III], p.125, (1877)

*This tradition, then, of which we have been speaking, affirms that, when frightened at the accusation of the servant of the high priest, the apostle had thrice denied his master, and the cock had crowed, Jesus, who was then passing through the hall in custody of the soldiers, turned, and, looking at Peter, said: &quot;Verily, I say unto thee, Peter, thou shalt deny me throughout the coming ages, and never stop until thou shalt be old, and shalt stretch forth thy hands, and another shall gird thee and carry thee whither thou wouldst not.&quot; The latter part of this sentence, say the Greeks, relates to the Church of Rome, and prophesies her constant apostasy from Christ, under the mask of false religion. Later, it was inserted in the twenty-first chapter of John, but the whole of this chapter had been pronounced a forgery, even before it was found that this Gospel was never written by John the Apostle at all. 
**[[H.P. Blavatsky|H.P. Blavatsky]], ''[[w:Isis Unveiled|Isis Unveiled]]'', Vol. II, Chapter III], p. 125, (1877)

*All the civilized portion of the [[Paganism|Pagans]] who knew of Jesus honored him as a [[philosopher]], an adept whom they placed on the same level with [[Pythagoras]] and [[Apollonius]]. Whence such a veneration on their part for a man, were he simply, as represented by the Synoptics, a poor, unknown Jewish carpenter from Nazareth? As an incarnated God there is no single record of him on this earth capable of withstanding the critical examination of science; as one of the greatest reformers, an inveterate enemy of every theological dogmatism, a persecutor of bigotry, a teacher of one of the most sublime codes of ethics, Jesus is one of the grandest and most clearly-defined figures on the panorama of human history. His age may, with every day, be receding farther and farther back into the gloomy and hazy mists of the past; and his theology — based on human fancy and supported by untenable dogmas may, nay, must with every day lose more of its unmerited prestige; alone the grand figure of the philosopher and moral reformer instead of growing paler will become with every century more pronounced and more clearly defined. It will reign supreme and universal only on that day when the whole of humanity recognizes but one father — the unknown one above — and one brother — the whole of mankind below.
*[[H.P. Blavatsky]], ''Isis Unveiled: A Master-Key to the Mysteries of Ancient and Modern Science and Theology,'' Vol. II, [https://www.theosociety.org/pasadena/isis/iu2-03.htm Chapter III], p. 150 (1877)

* This gem is in the collection of the author of &quot;The Gnostics and their Remains.&quot; See p. 201.
† &quot;Heresies,&quot; xxvii.
151 — THE LONG-HAIRED NAZARENES.
father — the unknown one above — and one brother — the whole of mankind below.

* '''Our Lord Jesus [[w:Christ|Christ]], a little before his departure, commissioned his apostles to ''Go'', and ''teach all nations;'' or, as another evangelist expresses it, ''Go into all the world, and preach the gospel to every creature.''''' This commission was as extensive as possible, and laid them under obligation to disperse themselves into every country of the habitable globe, and preach to all the inhabitants, without exception, or limitation. They accordingly went forth in obedience to the command, and the power of God evidently wrought with them.
** [[William Carey]], '''An Enquiry into the Obligations of Christians to Use Means for the Conversion of the Heathens (1792)’’ Sect. I : ''An Enquiry whether the Commission given by our Lord to his Disciples be not still binding on us.''

* [N]either antiquity nor any other nation has imagined a more atrocious and blasphemous absurdity than that of eating God. This is how Christians treat the autocrat of the universe.
** [[Frederick II of Prussia|Frederick the Great]], ''Letters of Voltaire and Frederick the Great'' (New York: Brentano's, 1927), transl. [[w:Richard Aldington|Richard Aldington]], letter 215 from [[Frederick II of Prussia|Frederick]] to [[Voltaire]] (19 March 1776)

* The ancient and popular doctrine of the Millennium was intimately connected with the second coming of Christ. As the works of the creation had been finished in six days, their duration in their present state, according to a tradition which was attributed to the prophet Elijah, was fixed to six thousand years. By the same analogy it was inferred that this long period of labour and contention, which was now almost elapsed, would be succeeded by a joyful Sabbath of a thousand years; and that Christ, with the triumphant band of the saints and the elect who had escaped death, or who had been miraculously revived, would reign upon earth till the time appointed for the last and general resurrection. So pleasing was this hope to the mind of believers, that the new Jerusalem, the seat of this blissful kingdom, was quickly adorned with all the gayest colours of the imagination. … Though it might not be universally received, it appears to have been the reigning sentiment of the orthodox believers; and it seems so well adapted to the desires and apprehensions of mankind, that it must have contributed in a very considerable degree to the progress of the Christian faith. But when the edifice of the church was almost completed, the temporary support was laid aside. The doctrine of Christ's reign upon earth was at first treated as a profound allegory, was considered by degrees as a doubtful and useless opinion, and was at length rejected as the absurd invention of heresy and fanaticism. A mysterious prophecy, which still forms a part of the sacred canon, but which was thought to favour the exploded sentiment, has very narrowly escaped the proscription of the church.
** [[Edward Gibbon]] (1788), ''[[w:The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire|The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire]]'', [http://www.ccel.org/ccel/gibbon/decline/files/volume1/chap15.htm 1, Chap.&amp;nbsp;15], on the progress of the Christian religion, and the sentiments, manners, numbers, and condition of the primitive Christians [http://www.ccel.org/ccel/gibbon/decline/files/volume1/chap15.htm]

* How shall we excuse the supine inattention of the Pagan and philosophic world to those evidences which were presented by the hand of Omnipotence, not to their reason, but to their senses? During the age of Christ, of his apostles, and of their first disciples, the doctrine which they preached was confirmed by innumerable prodigies. The lame walked, the blind saw, the sick were healed, the dead were raised, daemons were expelled, and the laws of Nature were frequently suspended for the benefit of the church. &lt;br/&gt; … Under the reign of Tiberius, the whole earth, or at least a celebrated province of the Roman empire, was involved in a preternatural darkness of three hours. Even this miraculous event, which ought to have excited the wonder, the curiosity, and the devotion of mankind, passed without notice in an age of science and history. It happened during the lifetime of Seneca and the elder Pliny, who must have experienced the immediate effects, or received the earliest intelligence, of the prodigy. Each of these philosophers, in a laborious work, has recorded all the great phenomena of Nature, earthquakes, meteors, comets, and eclipses, which his indefatigable curiosity could collect. Both the one and the other have omitted to mention the greatest phenomenon to which the mortal eye has been witness since the creation of the globe.
** [[Edward Gibbon]] (1788), ''[[w:The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire|The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire]]'', [http://www.ccel.org/ccel/gibbon/decline/files/volume1/chap15.htm 1, Chap.&amp;nbsp;15], on the progress of the Christian religion, and the sentiments, manners, numbers, and condition of the primitive Christians [http://www.ccel.org/ccel/gibbon/decline/files/volume1/chap15.htm]

* I doubt whether the people of this country would suffer an execution for heresy, or a three years imprisonment for not comprehending the mysteries of the trinity.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], ''Notes on Virginia'', 1782. Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-04_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;4], p.&amp;nbsp;81

* You will next read the new testament. It is the history of a personage called Jesus. Keep in your eye the opposite pretensions I. of those who say he was begotten by god, born of a virgin, suspended &amp; reversed the laws of nature at will, &amp; ascended bodily into heaven: and 2. of those who say he was a man of illegitimate birth, of a benevolent heart, enthusiastic mind, who set out without pretensions to divinity, ended in believing them, &amp; was Punished capitally for sedition by being gibbeted according to the Roman law which punished the first commission of that offence by whipping, &amp; the second by exile or death in ''furcâ''. … '''Do not be frightened from this inquiry by any fear of it's consequences. If it ends in a belief that there is no god, you will find incitements to virtue in the comfort &amp; pleasantness you feel in it's exercise, and the love of others which it will procure you.''' If you find reason to believe there is a god, a consciousness that you are acting under his eye, &amp; that he approves you, will be a vast additional incitement; if that there be a future state, the hope of a happy existence in that increases the appetite to deserve it; if that Jesus was also a god, you will be comforted by a belief of his aid and love. In fine, I repeat that you must lay aside all prejudice on both sides, &amp; neither believe nor reject anything because any other persons, or description of persons have rejected or believed it. Your own reason is the only oracle given you by heaven, and you are answerable not for the rightness but uprightness of the decision. I forgot to observe '''when speaking of the new testament that you should read all the histories of Christ, as well of those whom a council of ecclesiastics have decided for us to be Pseudo-evangelists, as those they named Evangelists.''' Because these Pseudo-evangelists pretended to inspiration as much as the others, and you are to judge their pretensions by your own reason, &amp; not by the reason of those ecclesiastics. Most of these are lost. There are some however still extant, collected by Fabricius which I will endeavor to get &amp; send you.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], Letter to Peter Carr, August 10, 1787. Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-05_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;5], pp.&amp;nbsp;324–327

* [Jesus] claims that not the observance of outer civil or statutory churchly duties but the pure moral disposition of the heart alone can make man well-pleasing to God (Matthew V, 20-48); … that injury done one’s neighbor can be repaired only through satisfaction rendered to the neighbor himself, not through acts of divine worship (V, 24). Thus, he says, does he intend to do full justice to the Jewish law (V, 17); whence it is obvious that not scriptural scholarship but the pure religion of reason must be the law’s interpreter, for taken according to the letter, it allowed the very opposite of all this. Furthermore, he does not leave unnoticed, in his designations of the strait gate and the narrow way, the misconstruction of the law which men allow themselves in order to evade their true moral duty, holding themselves immune through having fulfilled their churchly duty (VII, 13). He further requires of these pure dispositions that they manifest themselves also in works (VII, 16) and, on the other hand, denies the insidious hope of those who imagine that, through invocation and praise of the Supreme Lawgiver in the person of His envoy, they will make up for their lack of good works and ingratiate themselves into favor (VII, 21). Regarding these works he declares that they ought to be performed publicly, as an example for imitation (V, 16), and in a cheerful mood, not as actions extorted from slaves (VI, 16); and that thus, from a small beginning in the sharing and spreading of such dispositions, religion, like a grain of seed in good soil, or a ferment of goodness, would gradually, through its inner power, grow into a kingdom of God (XIII, 31-33).
** [[Immanuel Kant]], ''[[w:Religion within the Bounds of Bare Reason|Religion within the Limits of Reason Alone]]'', Book IV, Part 1, Section 1, “The Christian religion as a natural religion,” as translated by Theodore M. Greene

* Let us suppose there was a teacher of whom an historical record (or, at least, a widespread belief which is not basically disputable) reports that he was the first to expound publicly a pure and searching religion, comprehensible to the whole world. … Suppose that all he did was done even in the face of a dominant ecclesiastical faith which was onerous and not conducive to moral ends (a faith whose perfunctory worship can serve as a type of all the other faiths, at bottom merely statutory, which were current in the world at the time). Suppose, further, we find that he had made this universal religion of reason the highest and indispensable condition of every religious faith whatsoever … and this without further adding to this faith burdensome new ordinances or wishing to transform acts which he had initiated into peculiar holy practices, required in themselves as being constituent elements of religion. After this description one will not fail to recognize the person who can be referenced, not indeed as the founder of the religion which, free from every dogma, is engraved in all men’s hearts (for it does not have its origin in an arbitrary will), but as the founder of the first true church.
** [[Immanuel Kant]], ''[[w:Religion within the Bounds of Bare Reason|Religion within the Limits of Reason Alone]]'', Book IV, Part 1, Section 1, “The Christian religion as a natural religion,” as translated by Theodore M. Greene

* While [Jesus] was living the day today, how did he manage to protect himself against the enemy that would attack him from the rear, namely the next day – just because he had the eternal with him in his today in a sense totally different from the way any human being has, for that very reason he turned his back on the next day. '''How did he manage?''' Far be it from us presumptuously to try to gain popularity by fathoming what should not be fathomed. We do not believe that he came to the world in order to give us subjects for erudite research. He came into the world to set the task, in order to leave a footprint so that we would learn from him. 
** [[Soren Kierkegaard]], Christian Discourses (Christelige Taler) Apr 26, 1848 Hong translation 1997 P. 76-77  

* What have we learned from this false thing called &quot;revealed religion&quot;? Absolutely nothing that is useful to man, and everything that is dishonorable to God. What does the Bible teach us?—rapine, cruelty, and murder. What does the New Testament teach us?—to believe that God had sex with a woman engaged to be married. The belief in this debauchery is what is called faith.
** [[w:Thomas Paine|Thomas Paine]], ''[[s:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794)

* Every national church or religion has established itself by pretending some special mission from God, communicated to certain individuals. The Jews have their Moses; the Christians their Jesus Christ, their apostles and saints; and the Turks their Mahomet; as if the way to God was not open to every man alike. &lt;br/&gt; Each of those churches shows certain books, which they call ''revelation'', or the Word of God. The Jews say that their Word of God was given by God to Moses face to face; the Christians say, that their Word of God came by divine inspiration; and the Turks say, that their Word of God (the Koran) was brought by an angel from heaven. Each of those churches accuses the other of unbelief; and, for my own part, I disbelieve them all.
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[w:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794) [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Home3/HTML.php?recordID=0548.04]

* Having thus made an insurrection and a battle in heaven, in which none of the combatants could be either killed or wounded — put Satan into the pit — let him out again — given him a triumph over the whole creation — damned all mankind by the eating of an apple, these Christian mythologists bring the two ends of their fable together. They represent this virtuous and amiable man, Jesus Christ, to be at once both God and man, and also the Son of God, celestially begotten, on purpose to be sacrificed, because they say that Eve in her longing had eaten an apple.
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[w:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794) [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Home3/HTML.php?recordID=0548.04]

* If I owe a person money, and cannot pay him, and he threatens to put me in prison, another person can take the debt upon himself, and pay it for me. But if I have committed a crime, every circumstance of the case is changed. Moral justice cannot take the innocent for the guilty even if the innocent would offer itself. To suppose justice to do this, is to destroy the principle of its existence, which is the thing itself. It is then no longer justice. It is indiscriminate revenge.
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[w:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794) [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Home3/HTML.php?recordID=0548.04]

* As to the Christian system of faith, it appears to me as a species of atheism; a sort of religious denial of God. It professes to believe in a man rather than in God. It is a compound made up chiefly of man-ism with but little deism, and is as near to atheism as twilight is to darkness. It introduces between man and his Maker an opaque body, which it calls a redeemer[.]
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[w:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794) [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Home3/HTML.php?recordID=0548.04]

* The most extraordinary of all the things called miracles, related in the New Testament, is that of the devil flying away with Jesus Christ, and carrying him to the top of a high mountain; and to the top of the highest pinnacle of the temple, and showing him and promising to him ''all the kingdoms of the world''. How happened it that he did not discover America? or is it only with ''kingdoms'' that his sooty highness has any interest.
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[w:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794) [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Home3/HTML.php?recordID=0548.04]

* Here then is the whole story, foolish as it is, of this child and this virgin; and it is upon the barefaced perversion of this story that the book of Matthew, and the impudence and sordid interest of priests in later times, have founded a theory, which they call the gospel; and have applied this story to signify the person they call Jesus Christ; begotten, they say, by a ghost, whom they call holy, on the body of a woman, engaged in marriage, and afterwards married, whom they call a virgin, seven hundred years after this foolish story was told; a theory which, speaking for myself, I hesitate not to believe, and to say, is as fabulous and as false as God is true. … &lt;br/&gt; It is not then the existence or the non-existence, of the persons that I trouble myself about; it is the fable of Jesus Christ, as told in the New Testament, and the wild and visionary doctrine raised thereon, against which I contend. The story, taking it as it is told, is blasphemously obscene. It gives an account of a young woman engaged to be married, and while under this engagement, she is, to speak plain language, debauched by a ghost, under the impious pretence, (Luke i. 35,) that &quot;the Holy Ghost shall come upon thee, and the power of the Highest shall overshadow thee.&quot; Notwithstanding which, Joseph afterwards marries her, cohabits with her as his wife, and in his turn rivals the ghost. This is putting the story into intelligible language, and when told in this manner, there is not a priest but must be ashamed to own it
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[w:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794) [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Home3/HTML.php?recordID=0548.04]

* Matthew says, that the angel that was sitting upon the stone on the outside of the sepulchre told the two Marys that Christ was risen, and that the women went ''away'' quickly. Mark says, that the women, upon seeing the stone rolled away, and wondering at it, went ''into'' the sepulchre, and that it was the angel that was ''sitting'' within on the right side, that told them so. Luke says, it was the two angels that were standing up; and John says, it was Jesus Christ himself that told it to Mary Magdalene; and that she did not go into the sepulchre, but only stooped down and looked in. &lt;br/&gt; Now, if the writers of these four books had gone into a court of justice to prove an ''alibi'', (for it is of the nature of an alibi that is here attempted to be proved, namely, the absence of a dead body by supernatural means,) and had they given their evidence in the same contradictory manner as it is here given, they would have been in danger of having their ears cropt for perjury, and would have justly deserved it. Yet this is the evidence, and these are the books, that have been imposed upon the world as being given by divine inspiration, and as the unchangeable word of God.
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''[[w:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'' (1794) [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Home3/HTML.php?recordID=0548.04]

*One could wish no easier death than that of Socrates, calmly discussing philosophy with his friends; one could fear nothing worse than that of Jesus, dying in torment, among the insults, the mockery, the curses of the whole nation. In the midst of these terrible sufferings, Jesus prays for his cruel murderers. Yes, if the life and death of Socrates are those of a philosopher, the life and death of Christ are those of a God.
** [[Jean-Jacques Rousseau]], ''[http://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/5427 Émile: Or, On Education]'' (1762), Book IV

===The Nineteenth Century===
[[File:Ribe domkirke prædikestol.jpg|thumb|A church order with priesthood, theology, cult and sacraments ... everything Jesus of Nazareth fought against. ~ [[Friedrich Nietzsche]]]]
:&lt;small&gt;Alphabetized by author&lt;/small&gt;

* I almost shudder at the thought of alluding to the most fatal example of the abuses of grief which the history of mankind has preserved — the Cross. Consider what calamities that engine of grief has produced!
** [[John Adams]], letter to [[Thomas Jefferson]] (September 3, 1816). Published in ''[http://books.google.com/books?vid=ISBN0807842303&amp;id=SzSWYPOz6M8C&amp;pg=PP1&amp;lpg=PP1&amp;ots=kTAZL3ImRq&amp;dq=%22Adams-Jefferson+letters%22&amp;sig=tVGzBe0XVhXaF2p0FQLGy4GK6bk#PRA2-PR17,M1 Adams-Jefferson Letters: The Complete Correspondence Between Thomas Jefferson and Abigail and John Adams]'' (UNC&amp;nbsp;Press, 1988), p.&amp;nbsp;488

* Jesus! How does the very word overflow with sweetness, and light, and love, and life; filling the air with odors, like precious ointment poured forth; irradiating the mind with a glory of truths on which no fear can live, soothing the wounds of the heart with a balm that turns the sharpest anguish into delicious peace, shedding through the soul a cordial of immortal strength. Jesus! the answer to all our. doubts, the spring of all our courage, the earnest of all our hopes, the charm omnipotent against all our foes, the remedy for all weakness, the supply of all our wants, the fullness of all our desires. Jesus! at the mention of whose name every knee shall bow and every tongue confess. Jesus! our power; Jesus! our righteousness, our sanctification, our redemption — Jesus! our elder brother, our blessed Lord and Redeemer. Thy name is the most transporting theme of the church, as they sing going up from the valley of tears, to their home on the mount of God; Thy name shall ever be the richest chord in the harmony of heaven, while the angels and the redeemed unite their exulting, adoring songs around the throne of God.
** [[George Washington Bethune]], reported in Josiah Hotchkiss Gilbert, ''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895), p. 54.

* The principle of [[brotherhood]] expounded by the agitator of Nazareth preserved the germ of life, of truth and justice, so long as it was the beacon light of [[Minority|the few]]. The moment the [[majority]] seized upon it, that great principle became a shibboleth and harbinger of blood and fire, spreading suffering and disaster.
** [[Emma Goldman]], ''{{w|Anarchism and Other Essays}}, [[:wikisource:Anarchism and Other Essays/2|Minorities Versus Majorities]], 1910, ''Mother Earth Publishing''

* The Man of Galilee, the Carpenter, the workingman who became the revolutionary agitator of his day soon found himself to be an undesirable citizen in the eyes of the ruling knaves and they had him crucified.
** [[Eugene V. Debs]], &quot;[http://www.marxists.org/archive/debs/works/1918/canton.htm The Canton, Ohio Speech, Anti-War Speech]&quot; in ''The Call'' (16 June 1918)

* I want to say to you, about myself, that I am a child of this age, a child of unfaith and scepticism, and probably (indeed I know it) shall remain so to the end of my life. How dreadfully has it tormented me (and torments me even now) this longing for faith, which is all the stronger for the proofs I have against it. And yet God gives me sometimes moments of perfect peace; in such moments I love and believe that I am loved; in such moments I have formulated my creed, wherein all is clear and holy to me. This creed is extremely simple; here it is: I believe that there is nothing lovelier, deeper, more sympathetic, more rational, more manly, and more perfect than the Saviour; I say to myself with jealous love that not only is there no one else like Him, but that there could be no one. I would even say more: '''If anyone could prove to me that [[Christ]] is outside the [[truth]], and if the truth really did exclude Christ, I should prefer to stay with Christ and not with truth.'''
** [[Fyodor Dostoevsky]] Letter To Mme. N. D. Fonvisin (1854), as published in Letters of Fyodor Michailovitch Dostoevsky to his Family and Friends (1914), translated by Ethel Golburn Mayne, Letter XXI, p. 71 [[http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Fyodor_Dostoevsky]]

* The divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity. Nowhere in the Gospels do we find a precept for Creeds, Confessions, Oaths, Doctrines, and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in Christianity.
** [[John Adams]], letter to [[Thomas Jefferson]]. Published in ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=26V5sFshT_4C&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;dq=%22The+Quotable+John+Adams%22#v=onepage&amp;q=&amp;f=false The Quotable John Adams]'' (Globe Pequot, 2008), p.&amp;nbsp;185ff

* Why is it that, next to the birthday of the Savior of the world, your most joyous and most venerated festival returns on this day [the Fourth of July]? Is it not that, in the chain of human events, the birthday of the nation is indissolubly linked with the birthday of the Savior? That it forms a leading event in the progress of the Gospel dispensation? Is it not that the Declaration of Independence first organized the social compact on the foundation of the Redeemer's mission upon earth? That it laid the cornerstone of human government upon the first precepts of Christianity?
** [[John Quincy Adams]] (1837, during a speech at Newburyport, Massachusetts. From: [http://www.eadshome.com/QuotesoftheFounders.htm])

* '''If there ever was an [[Christian anarchism|anarchist]] on Earth the gospel Jesus was one.'''
** Frank S. Billings, ''How Shall the Rich Escape?'' (1894), p. 54

* I know men and I tell you that Jesus Christ is no mere man. Between him and every other person in the world there is no possible term of comparison. [[Alexander the Great|Alexander]], [[Julius Caesar|Caesar]], [[Charlemagne]], and I, founded empires. But on what did we rest the creations of our genius? Upon force. Jesus Christ founded His empire upon love; and at this hour millions of people would die for Him.
** [[Napoleon Bonaparte]]

* My dear children, I am very anxious that you should know something about the History of Jesus Christ. For everybody ought to know about Him. No one ever lived, who was so good, so kind, so gentle, and so sorry for all people who did wrong, or were in any way ill or miserable, as he was. And as He is now in Heaven, where we hope to go, and all to meet each other after we are dead, and there be happy always together, you never can think what a good place Heaven is, without knowing who he was and what he did.
** [[Charles Dickens]], ''The Life of Our Lord'' (1849), Chapter 1, opening paragraph

*He comes silently and unannounced; yet all--how strange--yea, all recognize Him, at once! The population rushes towards Him as if propelled by some irresistible force; it surrounds, throngs, and presses around, it follows Him.... Silently, and with a smile of boundless compassion upon His lips, He crosses the dense crowd, and moves softly on. The Sun of Love burns in His heart, and warm rays of Light, Wisdom and Power beam forth from His eyes, and pour down their waves upon the swarming multitudes of the rabble assembled around, making their hearts vibrate with returning love.
*He pauses at the portal of the old cathedral, just as a wee white coffin is carried in, with tears and great lamentations. The lid is off, and in the coffin lies the body of a fair-child, seven years old... 'He will raise the child to life!' confidently shouts the crowd to the weeping mother. The officiating priest... looks perplexed, and frowns... The procession halts, and the little coffin is gently lowered at his feet. Divine compassion beams forth from His eyes, and as He looks at the child, His lips are heard to whisper once more, 'Talitha Cumi'--and 'straightway the damsel arose.' The child rises in her coffin...and, looking round with large astonished eyes she smiles sweetly...
*A terrible commotion rages among them, the populace shouts and loudly weeps, when suddenly, before the cathedral door, appears the Cardinal Grand Inquisitor himself... He pauses before the crowd and observes. He has seen all. He has witnessed the placing of the little coffin at His feet, the calling back to life. And now, his dark, grim face has grown still darker; his bushy grey eyebrows nearly meet, and his sunken eye flashes with sinister light. Slowly raising his finger, he commands his minions to arrest Him...
*The Grand Inquisitor... addresses Him in these words: &quot;'It is Thou! ... Thou!' ... Receiving no reply, he rapidly continues: 'Nay, answer not; be silent! ... And what couldst Thou say? ... I know but too well Thy answer.... Besides, Thou hast no right to add one syllable to that which was already uttered by Thee before.... Why shouldst Thou now return, to impede us in our work?... But art Thou as well aware of what awaits Thee in the morning?...to-morrow I will condemn and burn Thee on the stake, as the most wicked of all the heretics...
*...his words mean, in short: 'Everything was given over by Thee to the Pope, and everything now rests with him alone; Thou hast no business to return and thus hinder us in our work.' In this sense the Jesuits not only talk but write likewise.
*He [the Grand Inquisitor] seriously regards it as a great service done by himself, his brother monks and Jesuits, to humanity, to have conquered and subjected unto their authority that freedom, and boasts that it was done but for the good of the world... Man is born a rebel, and can rebels be ever happy?... 
*Having disburdened his heart, the Inquisitor waits for some time to hear his prisoner speak in His turn... The old man longs to hear His voice, to hear Him reply; better words of bitterness and scorn than His silence. Suddenly He rises; slowly and silently approaching the Inquisitor, He bends towards him and softly kisses the bloodless, four-score and-ten-year-old lips. That is all the answer.
**[[Feodor Dostoevsky]] in [https://onlinebooks.library.upenn.edu/webbin/gutbook/lookup?num=8578 ''The Grand Inquisitor''], (1879–1880)  

* One sacrifice, however great, is insufficient to pay the debt of sin. The atonement requires constant self-immolation on the sinner’s part. That God’s wrath should be vented upon His beloved Son, is divinely unnatural. Such a theory is man-made. … The material blood of Jesus was no more efficacious to cleanse from sin when it was shed upon ‘the accursed tree,’ than when it was flowing in his veins as he went daily about his Father’s business. … His disciples believed Jesus to be dead while he was hidden in the sepulchre, whereas he was alive[.]
** [[Mary Baker Eddy]] (1867), Founder of the [[w:Church of Christ, Scientist|Church of Christ, Scientist]], ''[[w:Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures|Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures]]'', pp. 23:3–6, 25:6–8, 44:28–29

* It is plain that God does not employ drugs or hygiene, nor provide them for human use; else Jesus would have recommended and employed them in his healing. The sick are more deplorably lost than the sinning, if the sick cannot rely on God for help and the sinning can. … The universal belief in physics weighs against the high and mighty truths of Christian metaphysics. This erroneous general belief, which sustains medicine and produces all medical results, works against Christian Science[.] … If we would heal by the Spirit, we must not hide the talent of spiritual healing under the napkin of its form. … The tender word and Christian encouragement of an invalid, pitiful patience with his fears and the removal of them, are better than hecatombs of gushing theories, stereotyped borrowed speeches, and the doling of arguments, which are but so many parodies on legitimate Christian Science, aflame with divine Love.
** [[Mary Baker Eddy]] (1867), Founder of the [[w:Church of Christ, Scientist|Church of Christ, Scientist]] on the denial of drugs, hygiene, and medicine to the sick and their replacement by spiritual healing, ''[[w:Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures|Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures]]'', pp. 143:5, 155:15

* The theory of three person in one God (that is, a personal Trinity or Tri-unity) suggests polytheism, rather than the one ever-present I AM. … Jesus Christ is not God, as Jesus himself declared, but is the Son of God.
** [[Mary Baker Eddy]] (1867), Founder of the [[w:Church of Christ, Scientist|Church of Christ, Scientist]], ''[[w:Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures|Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures]]'', pp. 256:9–11, 361:11–13

* '''Christ saw much in this world to weep over, and much to pray over: but he saw nothing in it to look upon with contempt.'''
** [[Edwin Hubbell Chapin]] as quoted in ''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895) by Josiah Hotchkiss Gilbert, p. 160

*As to Jesus of Nazareth, my Opinion of whom you particularly desire, I think the System of Morals and his Religion, as he left them to us, the best the world ever saw or is likely to see; but I apprehend it has received various corrupt changes...
**[[Benjamin Franklin]], quoted in ''Benjamin Franklin: An Exploration of a Life of Science and Service'' (1938) by [[Carl Van Doren]], p. 777.

* '''The spirit of contempt is the true spirit of Antichrist; for no other is more directly opposed to Christ.'''
** [[Henry Giles]], as quoted in ''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895) by Josiah Hotchkiss Gilbert, p. 160

* '''[[w:Christ|Christ]] plays in ten thousand places, &lt;br /&gt; Lovely in limbs, and lovely in eyes not his &lt;br /&gt; To the Father through the features of men's faces.'''
** [[Gerard Manley Hopkins]], in [http://www.embodiment-of-freedom.com/persfree/hopkins.html &quot;As Kingfishers Catch Fire, Dragonflies Draw Flame&quot;] (undated poem, ''c''. March–April 1877)

* He saw his followers using the instruments of pain. He heard the groans — saw the faces white with agony. He heard the shrieks and sobs and cries of all the moaning, martyred multitudes. He knew that commentaries would be written on his words with swords, to be read by the light of fagots. He knew that the Inquisition would be born of the teachings attributed to him.&lt;p&gt;He saw the interpolations and falsehoods that hypocrisy would write and tell. He saw all wars that would be waged, and he knew that above these fields of death, these dungeons, these rackings, these burnings, these executions, for a thousand years would float the dripping banner of the cross.&lt;p&gt;He knew that hypocrisy would be robed and crowned — that cruelty and credulity would rule the world; knew that liberty would perish from the earth; knew that popes and kings in his name would enslave the souls and bodies of men; knew that they would persecute and destroy the discoverers, thinkers and inventors; knew that his church would extinguish reason's holy light and leave the world without a star.&lt;p&gt;He saw his disciples extinguishing the eyes of men, flaying them alive, cutting out their tongues, searching for all the nerves of pain.&lt;p&gt;He knew that in his name his followers would trade in human flesh; that cradles would be robbed and women's breasts unbabed for gold.&lt;p&gt;And yet he died with voiceless lips.
** [[Robert Green Ingersoll]], ''About the Holy Bible'' (1894)
** More concisely put in ''A Christmas Sermon'': '''If Christ was in fact God, he knew the persecutions that would be carried on in his name; he knew the millions that would suffer death through torture; and yet he died without saying one word to prevent what he must have known, if he were God, would happen.'''

* '''His parentage was obscure; his condition poor; his education null; his natural endowments great; his life correct and innocent: he was meek, benevolent, patient, firm, disinterested, &amp; of the sublimest eloquence.''' &lt;br /&gt; The disadvantages under which his doctrines appear are remarkable. &lt;br /&gt; 1. Like [[Socrates]] &amp; [[Epictetus]], he wrote nothing himself. &lt;br /&gt; 2. But he had not, like them, a [[w:Xenophon|Xenophon]] or an [[w:Arrian|Arrian]] to write for him. On the contrary, all the learned of his country, entrenched in its power and riches, were opposed to him, lest his labors should undermine their advantages; and the committing to writing his life &amp; doctrines fell on the most unlettered &amp; ignorant men; who wrote, too, from memory, &amp; not till long after the transactions had passed. &lt;br /&gt; 3. According to the ordinary fate of those who attempt to enlighten and reform mankind, he fell an early victim to the jealousy &amp; combination of the altar and the throne, at about 33. years of age, his reason having not yet attained the maximum of its energy, nor the course of his preaching, which was but of 3. years at most, presented occasions for developing a complete system of morals. &lt;br /&gt; 4. Hence the doctrines which he really delivered were defective as a whole, and fragments only of what he did deliver have come to us mutilated, misstated, &amp; often unintelligible. &lt;br /&gt; 5. They have been still more disfigured by the corruptions of schismatising followers, who have found an interest in sophisticating &amp; perverting the simple doctrines he taught by engrafting on them the mysticisms of a Grecian sophist, frittering them into subtleties, &amp; obscuring them with jargon, until they have caused good men to reject the whole in disgust, &amp; to view Jesus himself as an impostor. &lt;br /&gt; Notwithstanding these disadvantages, a system of morals is presented to us, which, if filled up in the true style and spirit of the rich fragments he left us, would be the most perfect and sublime that has ever been taught by man. &lt;br /&gt; The question of his being a member of the Godhead, or in direct communication with it, claimed for him by some of his followers, and denied by others, is foreign to the present view, which is merely an estimate of the intrinsic merit of his doctrines. &lt;br /&gt; 1. He corrected the Deism of the Jews, confirming them in their belief of one only God, and giving them juster notions of his attributes and government. &lt;br /&gt; 2. His moral doctrines, relating to kindred &amp; friends, were more pure &amp; perfect than those of the most correct of the philosophers, and greatly more so than those of the Jews; and they went far beyond both in inculcating universal philanthropy, not only to kindred and friends, to neighbors and countrymen, but to all mankind, gathering all into one family, under the bonds of love, charity, peace, common wants and common aids. A development of this head will evince the peculiar superiority of the system of Jesus over all others. &lt;br /&gt; 3. The precepts of philosophy, &amp; of the Hebrew code, laid hold of actions only. He pushed his scrutinies into the heart of man; erected his tribunal in the region of his thoughts, and purified the waters at the fountain head. &lt;br /&gt; 4. He taught, emphatically, the doctrines of a future state, which was either doubted, or disbelieved by the Jews; and wielded it with efficacy, as an important incentive, supplementary to the other motives to moral conduct.
**[[Thomas Jefferson]], '[http://www.positiveatheism.org/hist/jeff1122.htm &quot;Syllabus of an Estimate of the Merit of the Doctrines of jesus, Compared with Those of Others&quot; in a letter to Benjamin Rush (12 April 1803)]. Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-09_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;9 ''Works'' Vol. 9 (PDF)], pp.&amp;nbsp;462.

* The Christian priesthood, finding the doctrines of Christ levelled to every understanding, and too plain to need explanation, saw in the mysticism of Plato, materials with which they might build up an artificial system, which might, from its indistinctness, admit everlasting controversy, give employment for their order, and introduce it to profit, power and pre-eminence. The doctrines which flowed from the lips of Jesus himself are within the comprehension of a child ; but thousands of volumes have not yet explained the Platonisms engrafted on them; and for this obvious reason, that nonsense can never be explained.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], letter to [[w:John Adams|John Adams]] (July 5, 1814). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-11_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;11], pp.&amp;nbsp;397–398.

* 48: And about the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, saying, '''''Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?''''' that is to say, '''My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?'''
:49: Some of them that stood there, when they heard that, said, This man calleth for Elias.
:50: And straightway one of them ran, and took a spunge, and filled it with vinegar, and put it on a reed, and gave him to drink.
:51: The rest said, Let be, let us see whether Elias will come to save him.
:52: Jesus, when he had cried again with a loud voice, yielded up the ghost.
:53: And many women were there beholding afar off, which followed Jesus from Galilee, ministering unto him:
:54: Among which was Mary Magdalene, and Mary the mother of James and Joses, and the mother of Zebedee's children.
:55: The Jews therefore, because it was the preparation, that the bodies should not remain upon the cross on the sabbath day, (for that sabbath day was an high day,) besought Pilate that their legs might be broken, and that they might be taken away.
:56: Then came the soldiers, and brake the legs of the first, and of the other which was crucified with him.
:57: But when they came to Jesus, and saw that he was dead already, they brake not his legs:
:58: But one of the soldiers with a spear pierced his side, and forthwith came there out blood and water.
:59: And after this Joseph of Arimathaea, being a disciple of Jesus, but secretly for fear of the Jews, besought Pilate that he might take away the body of Jesus: and Pilate gave him leave. He came therefore, and took the body of Jesus.
:60: And there came also Nicodemus, which at the first came to Jesus by night, and brought a mixture of myrrh and aloes, about an hundred pound weight.
:61: Then took they the body of Jesus, and wound it in linen clothes with the spices, as the manner of the Jews is to bury.
:62: Now in the place where he was crucified there was a garden; and in the garden a new sepulchre, wherein was never man yet laid.
:63: There laid they Jesus,
:64: And rolled a great stone to the door of the sepulchre, and departed.
:* [[Thomas Jefferson]], The &quot;[[w:Jefferson Bible|Jefferson Bible]]&quot; (''[http://etext.lib.virginia.edu/etcbin/toccer-new2?id=JefJesu.sgm&amp;images=images/modeng&amp;data=/texts/english/modeng/parsed&amp;tag=public&amp;part=all The Life and Morals of Jesus of Nazareth]'') on the crucifixion, death, and burial of Jesus, which omits all Biblical passages asserting Jesus' virgin birth, miracles, divinity, and resurrection.

* The priests have so disfigured the simple religion of Jesus that no one who reads the sophistications they have engrafted on it, from the jargon of [[Plato]], of [[Aristotle]] &amp; other mystics, would conceive these could have been fathered on the sublime preacher of the sermon on the mount.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], Letter to [[w:Benjamin Waterhouse|Benjamin Waterhouse]] (October 13, 1815). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-11_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;11], p.&amp;nbsp;492

* I, too, have made a wee-little book from the same materials, which I call the Philosophy of Jesus; it is a paradigma of his doctrines, made by cutting the texts out of the book, and arranging them on the pages of d blank book, in a certain order of time or subject. A more beautiful or precious morsel of ethics I have never seen; it is a document in proof that I am a real Christian, that is to say, a disciple of the doctrines of Jesus, very different from the Platonists, who call me infidel and themselves Christians and preachers of the gospel, while they draw all their characteristic dogmas from what its author never said nor saw. They have compounded from the heathen mysteries a system beyond the comprehension of man, of which the great reformer of the vicious ethics and deism of the Jews, were he to return on earth, would not recognize one feature.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], Letter to [[w:Charles Thomson|Charles Thomson]] (January 9, 1816), on his ''[http://etext.lib.virginia.edu/etcbin/toccer-new2?id=JefJesu.sgm&amp;images=images/modeng&amp;data=/texts/english/modeng/parsed&amp;tag=public&amp;part=all The Life and Morals of Jesus of Nazareth]'' (the &quot;[[w:Jefferson Bible|Jefferson Bible]]&quot;), which omits all Biblical passages asserting Jesus' virgin birth, miracles, divinity, and resurrection. Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-11_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;11], pp.&amp;nbsp;498–499

* The Pennsylvania legislature, who, on a proposition to make the belief in God a necessary qualification for office, rejected it by a great majority, although assuredly there was not a single atheist in their body. And you remember to have heard, that when the act for religious freedom was before the Virginia Assembly, a motion to insert the name of Jesus Christ before the phrase, &quot;the author of our holy religion,&quot; which stood in the bill, was rejected, although that was the creed of a great majority of them.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], Letter to [[w:Albert Gallatin|Albert Gallatin]] (June 16, 1817). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-12_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;12], p.&amp;nbsp;73

* But the greatest of all the reformers of the depraved religion of his own country, was Jesus of Nazareth. '''Abstracting what is really his from the rubbish in which it is buried, easily distinguished by its lustre from the dross of his biographers, and as separable from that as the diamond from the dunghill, we have the outlines of a system of the most sublime morality which has ever fallen from the lips of man; outlines which it is lamentable he did not live to fill up.''' [[Epictetus]] and [[Epicurus]] give laws for governing ourselves, Jesus a supplement of the duties and charities we owe to others. '''The establishment of the innocent and genuine character of this benevolent moralist, and the rescuing it from the imputation of imposture, which has resulted from artificial systems,* invented by ultra-Christian sects, unauthorized by a single word ever uttered by him, is a most desirable object''', and one to which [[Joseph Priestley|Priestley]] has successfully devoted his labors and learning. It would in time, it is to be hoped, effect a quiet euthanasia of the heresies of bigotry and fanaticism which have so long triumphed over human reason, and so generally and deeply afflicted mankind; but this work is to be begun by winnowing the grain from the chaff of the historians of his life. I have sometimes thought of translating Epictetus (for he has never been tolerable translated into English) by adding the genuine doctrines of Epicurus from the Syntagma of Gassendi, and an abstract from the Evangelists of whatever has the stamp of the eloquence and fine imagination of Jesus. The last I attempted too hastily some twelve or fifteen years ago. It was the work of two or three nights only, at Washington, after getting through the evening task of reading the letters and papers of the day. But with one foot in the grave, these are now idle projects for me. My business is to beguile the wearisomeness of declining life, as I endeavor to do, by the delights of classical reading and of mathematical truths, and by the consolations of a sound philosophy, equally indifferent to hope and fear.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], Letter to William Short, October 31, 1819. Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-12_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;12], pp.&amp;nbsp;141–142.
*** Jefferson's footnote on &quot;artificial systems&quot; for this passage: '''*''' ''e.g.'' The immaculate conception of Jesus, his deification, the creation of the world by him, his miraculous powers, his resurrection and visible ascension, his corporeal presence in the Eucharist, the Trinity; original sin, atonement, regeneration, election, orders of Hierarchy, etc. — T.J.

* '''My aim in that was, to justify the character of Jesus against the fictions of his pseudo-followers, which have exposed him to the inference of being an impostor.''' For if we could believe that he really countenanced the follies, the falsehoods and the charlatanisms which his biographers father on him, and admit the misconstructions, interpolations and theorizations of the fathers of the early, and fanatics of the latter ages, the conclusion would be irresistible by every sound mind, that he was an impostor. I give no credit to their falsifications of his actions and doctrines, and to rescue his character, the postulate in my letter asked only what is granted in reading every other historian. When [[Livy]] and [[w:Diodorus Siculus|Siculus]], for example, tell us things which coincide with our experience of the order of nature, we credit them on their word, and place their narrations among the records of credible history. But when they tell us of calves speaking, of statues sweating blood, and other things against the course of nature, we reject these as fables not belonging to history. … '''I say, that this free exercise of reason is all I ask for the vindication of the character of Jesus.''' We find in the writings of his biographers matter of two distinct descriptions. First, a groundwork of vulgar ignorance, of things impossible, of superstitions, fanaticisms and fabrications. Intermixed with these, again, are sublime ideas of the Supreme Being, aphorisms and precepts of the purest morality and benevolence, sanctioned by a life of humility, innocence and simplicity of manners, neglect of riches, absence of worldly ambition and honors, with an eloquence and persuasiveness which have not been surpassed. '''These could not be inventions of the groveling authors who relate them. They are far beyond the powers of their feeble minds. They shew that there was a character, the subject of their history, whose splendid conceptions were above all suspicion of being interpolations from their hands.''' Can we be at a loss in separating such materials, and ascribing each to its genuine author? The difference is obvious to the eye and to the understanding, and we may read as we run to each his part; and I will venture to affirm, that he who, as I have done, will undertake to winnow this grain from its chaff, will find it not to require a moment's consideration. The parts fall asunder of themselves, as would those of an image of metal and clay. … '''There are, I acknowledge, passages not free from objection, which we may, with probability, ascribe to Jesus himself; but claiming indulgence from the circumstances under which he acted.''' His object was the reformation of some articles in the religion of the Jews, as taught by [[Moses]]. That sect had presented for the object of their worship, a being of terrific character, cruel, vindictive, capricious and unjust. Jesus, taking for his type the best qualities of the human head and heart, wisdom, justice, goodness, and adding to them power, ascribed all of these, but in infinite perfection, to the Supreme Being, and formed him really worthy of their adoration. Moses had either not believed in a future state of existence, or had not thought it essential to be explicitly taught to his people. Jesus inculcated that doctrine with emphasis and precision. Moses had bound the Jews to many idle ceremonies, mummeries and observances, of no effect towards producing the social utilities which constitute the essence of virtue; Jesus exposed their futility and insignificance. The one instilled into his people the most anti-social spirit towards other nations; the other preached philanthropy and universal charity and benevolence. The office of reformer of the superstitions of a nation, is ever dangerous. Jesus had to walk on the perilous confines of reason and religion: and a step to right or left might place him within the gripe of the priests of the superstition, a blood thirsty race, as cruel and remorseless as the being whom they represented as the family God of Abraham, of Isaac and of Jacob, and the local God of Israel. They were constantly laying snares, too, to entangle him in the web of the law. He was justifiable, therefore, in avoiding these by evasions, by sophisms, by misconstructions and misapplications of scraps of the prophets, and in defending himself with these their own weapons, as sufficient, ad homines, at least. '''That Jesus did not mean to impose himself on mankind as the son of God, physically speaking, I have been convinced by the writings of men more learned than myself in that lore. But that he might conscientiously believe himself inspired from above, is very possible.'''
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], Letter to William Short, August 4, 1820, on his reason for compiling the ''Syllabus of an Estimate of the Merit of the Doctrines of Jesus''. Published in ''Thomas Jefferson: Writings'', Merrill D. Peterson, ed., New York: Library of America, 1994, pp.&amp;nbsp;1435–1440 [http://www.stephenjaygould.org/ctrl/jefferson_jesus.html]

* '''The doctrines of Jesus are simple, and tend all to the happiness of man.'''
::1. That there is one only God, and he all perfect.
::2, That there is a future state of rewards and punishments.
::3. That to love God with all thy heart and thy neighbor as thyself, is the sum of religion.
:These are the great points on which he endeavored to reform the religion of the Jews. But compare with these the demoralizing dogmas of [[John Calvin|Calvin]].
::1. That there are three Gods.
::2. That good works, or the love of our neighbor, are nothing.
::3. That faith is every thing, and the more incomprehensible the proposition, the more merit in its faith.
::4. That reason in religion is of unlawful use.
::5. That God, from the beginning, elected certain individuals to be saved, and certain others to be damned; and that no crimes of the former can damn them; no virtues of the latter save.
:Now, which of these is the true and charitable Christian? He who believes and acts on the simple doctrines of Jesus? Or the impious dogmatists, as [[w:Athanasius|Athanasius]] and Calvin? Verily I say these are the false shepherds foretold as to enter not by the door into the sheepfold, but to climb up some other way. They are mere usurpers of the Christian name, teaching a counter-religion made up of the deliria of crazy imaginations, as foreign from Christianity as is that of [[Muhammad|Mahomet]]. '''Their blasphemies have driven thinking men into infidelity, who have too hastily rejected the supposed author himself, with the horrors so falsely imputed to him. Had the doctrines of Jesus been preached always as pure as they came from his lips, the whole civilized world would now have been Christian.''' I rejoice that in this blessed country of free inquiry and belief, which has surrendered its creed and conscience to neither kings nor priests, the genuine doctrine of one only God is reviving, and I trust that there is not a young man now living in the United States who will not die an [[w:Unitarianism|Unitarian]].'''
:* [[Thomas Jefferson]], letter to [[w:Benjamin Waterhouse|Benjamin Waterhouse]], (June 26, 1822). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&amp;nbsp;York: G.&amp;nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-12_Bk.pdf Vol.&amp;nbsp;12], pp.&amp;nbsp;241–243

* '''The truth is, that the greatest enemies of the doctrine of Jesus are those, calling themselves the expositors of them, who have perverted them to the structure of a system of fancy absolutely incomprehensible, and without any foundation in his genuine words.''' And the day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the supreme being as his father in the womb of a virgin will be classed with the fable of the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter... But may we hope that the dawn of reason and freedom of thought in these United States will do away with this artificial scaffolding, and restore to us the primitive and genuine doctrines of this most venerated reformer of human errors.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], letter to [[John Adams]] (11 April 1823) [http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2005/02/04/opinion/main671823.shtml]

* '''Over the years, alas, it has happened again and again, and the repetition continues, that someone goes ahead, someone for whom another person longs, whom he wishes to follow, but never has any human being, never has any loved one, never has any teacher, never has any friend gone ahead-in order to prepare a place for the one following. Just as the name of Christ is the one and only name in heaven and on earth, so also is Christ the one and only predecessor who has gone ahead in this way. Between heaven and earth there is only one road: to follow Christ. In time and eternity there is only one choice, one single choice: to choose this road. There is only one eternal hope on this earth: to follow Christ into heaven. There is one blessed joy in this life: to follow Christ; in death there is one final blessed joy-to follow Christ to life!''' 
** [[Søren Kierkegaard]] ''Upbuilding Discourses in Various Spirits'' 1847, Hong 1993 p. 229

* '''Christ said: Whoever denies me before people I also will deny before my heavenly Father-even if it were not so, it would still follow solely of itself, follow from the inner urge in the Christian that he would do this. On the other hand, although the confession is commanded and enjoined with the full emphasis of eternity, if the confession is not the consequence of that inner urge, then a confession of that kind is not what is required. Therefore, if someone could presumptuously want to delude himself into thinking that the most sagacious thing, because after all it is required, the most sagacious thing, in view of eternity’s judgment, would be to confess Christ: then such a person does not only not confess Christ but blasphemously distorts him, as if Christ were a vain power seeker who craved a great name in the world. No, that was not why Christ required the confession, and that is not the way he required it. On the contrary, he actually required that his followers have such inwardness that confession follows of itself-when it is required.''' The same inwardness can also be silent and just as pleasing to God, but this same true inwardness surely cannot be silent-when confession is required. Indeed, how could a person’s faith be strong enough to believe unto salvation, strong and disregardful enough in this way (alas, this may be just about the most difficult kind of disregard, to pay no attention to one’s own fantasies about merit or to the mitigating inventions of one’s passions or to the horrifying images of terrified imagination in the consciousness of guilt, but without this disregard one cannot have faith unto salvation) if a person does not have a faith strong and disregardful enough to dare to confess-'''if''' it is required. 
** [[Soren Kierkegaard]] ''Upbuilding Discourses in Various Spirits'' 1847, Hong 1993 p. 321-322

* For God has other Words for other worlds, &lt;br /&gt; But for this world the Word of God is Christ.
** [[w:Harriet King (poet)|Harriet King]], ''The Disciples'' (1873), Ugo Bassi, III (&quot;The Sermon in the Hospital&quot;)

* I know there is a God, and that He hates injustice and slavery. I see the storm coming, and I know that His hand is in it. If He has a place and work for me–and I think He has–I believe I am ready. I am nothing, but truth is everything. I know I am right because I know that liberty is right, for Christ teaches it, and Christ is God. I have told them that a house divided against itself cannot stand, and Christ and reason say the same; and they will find it so. Douglas doesn't care whether slavery is voted up or voted down, but God cares, and humanity cares, and I care; and with God’s help I shall not fail. I may not see the end; but it will come and I shall be vindicated; and these men will find that they have not read their Bibles aright.
:* [[Abraham Lincoln]] anecdote registered by novelist Josiah Gilbert Holland, in his Life of Abraham Lincoln (1866), Chapter XVI, p. 287. University of Nebraska Press, as something that Lincoln said in a conversation with educator Newman Bateman, in the Autumn of 1860.

[[File:Square1.jpg|thumb|All sorrow, labor, suffering, I, tallying it, absorb in myself, &lt;br /&gt; Many times have I been rejected, taunted, put in prison, and crucified, and many times shall be again.. .~ [[Walt Whitman]] in [[Leaves_of_Grass#Chanting_the_Square_Deific|''Leaves of Grass'', &quot;Chanting the Square Deific&quot;]]'' ]]
[[File:Cristo Redentor - Rio.jpg|thumb|My charity has no death — my wisdom dies not, neither early nor late, and my sweet love bequeath'd here and elsewhere never dies. ~ [[Walt Whitman]] in [[Leaves_of_Grass#Chanting_the_Square_Deific|''Leaves of Grass'', &quot;Chanting the Square Deific&quot;]]'' ]]
[[File:William-Adolphe Bouguereau (1825-1905) - Compassion (1897).jpg|thumb|My spirit to yours dear brother, Do not mind because many sounding your name do not understand you, I do not sound your name, but I understand you... ~ [[Walt Whitman]] in [[Leaves_of_Grass#To_Him_That_Was_Crucified_.281860.3B_1881.29|''Leaves of Grass'', &quot;To Him That Was Crucified&quot;]] ]]
* There is truth in Jesus which is terrible, as well as truth that is soothing'''; terrible, for He shall be Judge as well as Saviour; and ye cannot face Him, ye cannot stand before Him, unless ye now give ear to His invitation.
** [[Henry Melvill]], as quoted in ''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895) by Josiah Hotchkiss Gilbert

* '''The Bible tells me explicitly that [[w:Christ|Christ]] was God; and it tells me, as explicitly that Christ was man. It does not go on to state the modus or manner of the union.''' I stop, therefore, where the Bible stops. I bow before a God-man as my Mediator, but I own as inscrutable the mysteries of His person.
** [[Henry Melvill]], as quoted in ''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895) by Josiah Hotchkiss Gilbert

* '''The Author of the Sermon on the Mount is assuredly a far more benign being than the Author of Nature.''' But unfortunately, the believer in the Christian revelation is required to believe that the same being is the author of both! If he doesn’t resolutely avert his mind from this subject or practise the act of quieting his conscience by sophistry, he will be involved in endless moral perplexities, because the ways of his Deity in Nature are often totally at variance with what he thinks to be the commands of that same Deity in the Gospel. Those who suffer the least moral damage from this tangle are probably those who never try to reconcile the two standards — ''the one set by Nature, and the one set by Jesus in the Gospels'' — with one another, but admits to himself that the purposes of Providence are mysterious, that its ways are not our ways, that its justice and goodness are not the justice and goodness that we can understand and that it is fitting for us to practise. When this is how the believer feels, however, the worship of God stops being the adoration of abstract moral perfection. It becomes a matter of the bowing down to a gigantic image of something not fit for us to imitate. It is the worship of pure power. &lt;br /&gt; '''I say nothing of the moral difficulties and perversions involved in revelation itself; though even in the Christianity of the Gospels, at least in its ordinary interpretation, there are some that are so flagrant that they almost outweigh all the beauty and benignity and moral greatness that so clearly distinguish the sayings and character of Christ.''' For example, thinking &quot;This is the object of highest worship!&quot; of a being who could make a Hell and create countless generations of human beings with the certain foreknowledge that he was creating them to be sent to Hell. '''Is there any moral atrocity that couldn’t be justified by the imitation of such a Deity? And could we possibly adore such a being without frightfully distorting the standard of right and wrong? Any other of the outrages to the most ordinary justice and humanity involved in the common Christian idea of God’s moral character sinks into insignificance beside this dreadful ''Hell-focused'' idealization of wickedness.'''
** [[John Stuart Mill]], ''[http://www.earlymoderntexts.com/milless.html The Usefulness of Religion]'' (1874)

* ''Wir haben also als Missverständnis: … eine kirchliche Ordnung, mit Priesterschaft, Theologie, Cultus, Sakramenten; kurz, alles das, was Jesus von Nazareth bekämpft hatte.'' (Original: German)
** We therefore have a misunderstanding: ... a church order with priesthood, theology, cult and sacraments; shortly, everything Jesus of Nazareth fought against.
** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], Nachlass, KSA 13: 11[295].

* '''Jesus Christ raised women above the condition of mere slaves, mere ministers to the passions of the man, raised them by His sympathy, to be Ministers of God.'''
** [[Florence Nightingale]], in ''Cassandra'' (1860)

* People talk about imitating Christ, and imitate Him in the little trifling formal things, such as washing the feet, saying His prayer, and so on; but '''if anyone attempts the real imitation of Him, there are no bounds to the outcry with which the presumption of that person is condemned.'''
** [[Florence Nightingale]], in ''Cassandra'' (1860)

* '''The Church is now more like the Scribes and Pharisees than like Christ... What are now called the &quot;essential doctrines&quot; of the Christian religion he does not even mention.'''
** [[Florence Nightingale]], as quoted in The Life of Florence Nightingale (1913) by Edward Tyas Cook, p. 392

* In his last moments he cries out, &quot;My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me!&quot; What conclusion is it natural to draw from this distressing exclamation? It appears to be this, that on the part of Jesus Christ, there was a virtual renunciation of his confidence in the Creator; and on the supposition that there was originally a concerted plan of execution well understood by both the parties, the fulfilment of it seems here to have been relinquished, and the beneficial effects annihilated. On the part of Jesus, it is saying, &quot;I have been deceived in this undertaking. I did not expect that I should have been forsaken in this hour of my greatest distress; but I rested with confidence on eternal wisdom, for a timely escape from this wretched misfortune.&quot; On the part of the Father, there is a want of attention and support in this trying hour. He forsakes his beloved Son; he gives him up to the murderous fury of vindictive enemies; and neither the one nor the other of the parties exhibits that spirit of fortitude and constancy which might justly have been expected on so interesting an occasion. The reflecting mind concludes, therefore, that the whole is but a fiction, and that no such stipulation ever took place between the man Jesus Christ, and the Creator of the world.
** [[w:Elihu Palmer|Elihu Palmer]], ''[[s:Principles of nature; or, a development of the morals causes of happiness and misery among the human species|Principles of nature; or, a development of the morals causes of happiness and misery among the human species]]'' (1801)

* He declared that in the present world evil is the reigning power. Satan is &quot;the prince of this world,&quot; and everything obeys him. The kings kill the prophets. The priests and the doctors do not that which they command others to do; the righteous are persecuted, and the only portion of the good is weeping. The &quot;world&quot; is in this manner the enemy of God and his saints; but God will awaken and avenge his saints. The day is at hand, for the abomination is at its height. The reign of goodness will have its turn. &lt;br /&gt; The advent of this reign of goodness will be a great and sudden revolution. The world will seem to be turned upside down: the actual state being bad, in order to represent the future, it suffices to conceive nearly the reverse of that which exists. The first shall be last. A new order shall govern humanity. &lt;br /&gt; '''Jesus, in some respects, was an [[Christian anarchism|anarchist]], for he had no idea of civil government. That government seems to him purely and simply an abuse.''' &lt;br /&gt; A great social revolution, in which rank will be overturned, in which all authority in this world will be humiliated, was his dream.
** [[Ernest Renan]], in ''The Life of Jesus'' (1863), [[s:Life_of_Jesus/Chapter_7|Ch. XII: Development of the ideas of Jesus respecting the Kingdom of God]]

*For, if Christ be simply an ideal picture, the man who sketched it will be as difficult to account for as the Being himself.
**George Sexton, a leading 19th century skeptic who converted to orthodox Christianity. [http://www.christianitytoday.com/history/newsletter/2005/may20.html Victorian Skeptics on the Road to Damascus]

* '''Must then a Christ perish in torment in every age to save those that have no imagination?'''
** [[George Bernard Shaw]], in ''Saint Joan : A Chronicle Play In Six Scenes And An Epilogue'' (1923)

* No sooner had Jesus knocked over the dragon of superstition than [[Paul of Tarsus|Paul]] boldly set it on its legs again in the name of Jesus.
** [[George Bernard Shaw]], ''Androcles and the Lion'' (1913)

* '''If Christ were here now there is one thing he would not be — a Christian.'''
** [[Mark Twain]], ''Notebook''

* '''I am an historian, I am not a believer, but I must confess as a historian that this penniless preacher from Nazareth is irrevocably the very center of history.''' Jesus Christ is easily the most dominant figure in all history.
** [[H.G. Wells]], British author (1866–1946) (from: [http://jmm.aaa.net.au/articles/13353.htm])

* '''Consolator most mild, the promis'd one advancing, &lt;br /&gt; With gentle hand extended, the mightier God am I, &lt;br /&gt; Foretold by prophets and poets in their most rapt prophecies and poems, &lt;br /&gt; From this side, lo! the [[Jesus|Lord]] [[w:Christ|Christ]] gazes''' — lo! [[w:Hermes|Hermes]] I — lo! mine is [[w:Hercules|Hercules]]' face, &lt;br /&gt; '''All sorrow, labor, suffering, I, tallying it, absorb in myself, &lt;br /&gt; Many times have I been rejected, taunted, put in prison, and crucified, and many times shall be again''', &lt;br /&gt; All the world have I given up for my dear brothers' and sisters' sake, for the soul's sake, &lt;br /&gt; Wending my way through the homes of men, rich or poor, with the kiss of affection, &lt;br /&gt; For I am affection, I am the cheer-bringing God, with hope and all-enclosing charity, &lt;br /&gt; With indulgent words as to children, with fresh and sane words, mine only, &lt;br /&gt; '''Young and strong I pass knowing well I am destin'd myself to an early death; &lt;br /&gt; But my charity has no death — my wisdom dies not, neither early nor late, &lt;br /&gt; And my sweet love bequeath'd here and elsewhere never dies.'''
** [[Walt Whitman]] in [[Leaves_of_Grass#Chanting_the_Square_Deific|''Leaves of Grass'', &quot;Chanting the Square Deific&quot;]]'' ]]

*''' My spirit to yours dear brother, &lt;br /&gt; Do not mind because many sounding your name do not understand you, &lt;br /&gt; I do not sound your name, but I understand you,''' &lt;br /&gt; I specify you with joy O my comrade to salute you, and to salute those who are with you, before and since, and those to come also, &lt;br /&gt; That '''we all labor together transmitting the same charge and succession, &lt;br /&gt; We few equals indifferent of lands, indifferent of times, &lt;br /&gt; We, enclosers of all continents, all castes, allowers of all theologies,''' &lt;br /&gt; Compassionaters, perceivers, rapport of men, &lt;br /&gt; '''We walk silent among disputes and assertions, but reject not the disputers nor any thing that is asserted, &lt;br /&gt; We hear the bawling and din, we are reach'd at by divisions, jealousies, recriminations on every side, &lt;br /&gt; They close peremptorily upon us to surround us, my comrade, &lt;br /&gt; Yet we walk unheld, free, the whole earth over, journeying up and down till we make our ineffaceable mark upon time and the diverse eras, &lt;br /&gt; Till we saturate time and eras, that the men and women of races, ages to come, may prove brethren and lovers as we are.'''
** [[Walt Whitman]] in [[Leaves_of_Grass#To_Him_That_Was_Crucified_.281860.3B_1881.29|''Leaves of Grass'', &quot;To Him That Was Crucified&quot;]] (1860; 1881)

* When Jesus talks about the poor he simply means personalities, just as when he talks about the rich he simply means people who have not developed their personalities. Jesus moved in a community that allowed the accumulation of private property just as ours does, and the gospel that he preached was not that in such a community it is an advantage for a man to live on scanty, unwholesome food, to wear ragged, unwholesome clothes, to sleep in horrid, unwholesome dwellings, and a disadvantage for a man to live under healthy, pleasant, and decent conditions. Such a view would have been wrong. ... What Jesus meant, was this. He said to man, ‘You have a wonderful personality. Develop it. Be yourself. Don’t imagine that your perfection lies in accumulating or possessing external things. Your perfection is inside of you. If only you could realise that, you would not want to be rich. Ordinary riches can be stolen from a man. Real riches cannot. In the treasury-house of your soul, there are infinitely precious things, that may not be taken from you. And so, try to so shape your life that external things will not harm you. And try also to get rid of [[personal property]]. It involves sordid preoccupation, endless industry, continual wrong. Personal property hinders Individualism at every step.’
** [[Oscar Wilde]], ''The Soul of Man Under Socialism'', ¶ 22

=== The Book of Mormon and LDS Scripture ===
:&lt;small&gt;This section contains quotes about Jesus that occur in the ''[[w:Book of Mormon|Book of Mormon]] and LDS Scripture&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Christus statue temple square salt lake city.jpg|244px|thumb|The fundamental principles of our religion are the testimony of the Apostles and Prophets, concerning Jesus Christ, that He died, was buried, and rose again the third day, and ascended into heaven; and all other things which pertain to our religion are only appendages to it. ~ [[Joseph Smith]] ]]
==== The Book of Mormon (1830) ====

* If so, wo shall come upon you; but if not so, then cast about your eyes and begin to believe in the Son of God, that he will come to redeem his people, and that he shall suffer and die to atone for their sins; and that he shall rise again from the dead, which shall bring to pass the resurrection, that all men shall stand before him, to be judged at the last and judgment day, according to their works.
** The ''[[s:Book of Mormon|Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Alma|Alma]] [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Alma#Thirty-three|33:22]]

* And behold, he shall be born of Mary, at Jerusalem which is the land of our forefathers, she being a virgin, a precious and chosen vessel, who shall be overshadowed and conceive by the power of the Holy Ghost, and bring forth a son, yea, even the Son of God.
** The ''[[s:Book of Mormon|Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Alma|Alma]] [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Alma#Chapter_Seven|7:10]]

* And moreover, I say unto you, that there shall be no other name given nor any other way nor means whereby salvation can come unto the children of men, only in and through the name of Christ, the Lord Omnipotent.
** The ''[[s:Book of Mormon|Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Mosiah|Mosiah]] [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Mosiah#Chapter_Three|3:17]]

* And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall.
** The ''[[s:Book of Mormon|Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Helaman|Helaman]] [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Helaman#Chapter_Five|5:12]]

* And if there were miracles wrought then, why has God ceased to be a God of miracles and yet be an unchangeable Being? And behold, I say unto you he changeth not; if so he would cease to be God; and he ceaseth not to be God, and is a God of miracles.&lt;br/&gt; And the reason why he ceaseth to do miracles among the children of men is because that they dwindle in unbelief, and depart from the right way, and know not the God in whom they should trust. 	Jesus doesn't do miracles any more because everyone has dwindled in unbelief.&lt;br/&gt; Behold, I say unto you that whoso believeth in Christ, doubting nothing, whatsoever he shall ask the Father in the name of Christ it shall be granted him; and this promise is unto all, even unto the ends of the earth.
** The ''[[s:Book of Mormon|Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Mormon|Mormon]] [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Mormon#Chapter_Nine|9:19–21]]

* And now, my beloved brethren, and also Jew, and all ye ends of the earth, hearken unto these words and believe in Christ; and if ye believe not in these words believe in Christ. And if ye shall believe in Christ ye will believe in these words, for they are the words of Christ, and he hath given them unto me; and they teach all men that they should do good. And if they are not the words of Christ, judge ye—for Christ will show unto you, with power and great glory, that they are his words, at the last day; and you and I shall stand face to face before his bar; and ye shall know that I have been commanded of him to write these things, notwithstanding my weakness.
** The ''[[Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book of Mormon/2 Nephi|2 Nephi]] [[s:Book of Mormon/2 Nephi#Chapter Thirty-three|33:10-11]]

* And we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ, and we write according to our prophecies, that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins.
** The ''[[Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book of Mormon/2 Nephi|2 Nephi]] [[s:Book of Mormon/2 Nephi#Chapter twenty-five|25:26]]

* Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life.
** The ''[[Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book of Mormon/2 Nephi|2 Nephi]] [[s:Book of Mormon/2 Nephi#Chapter Thirty-one|31:20]]

* Yea, come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, and deny yourselves of all ungodliness; and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness, and love God with all your might, mind and strength, then is his grace sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ; and if by the grace of God ye are perfect in Christ, ye can in nowise deny the power of God. And again, if ye by the grace of God are perfect in Christ, and deny not his power, then are ye sanctified in Christ by the grace of God, through the shedding of the blood of Christ, which is in the covenant of the Father unto the remission of your sins, that ye become holy, without spot.
** The ''[[s:Book of Mormon|Book of Mormon]]'', [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Moroni|Moroni]] [[s:Book_of_Mormon/Moroni#Chapter_Ten|10:32-33]]

====Doctrine and Covenants (1835)====
* Hearken, O ye elders of my church, saith the Lord your God, who have assembled yourselves together, according to my commandments, in this land, which is the land of Missouri, which is the land which I have appointed and consecrated for the gathering of the saints.&lt;br/&gt; Wherefore, this is the land of promise, and the place for the city of Zion.&lt;br/&gt; And thus saith the Lord your God, if you will receive wisdom here is wisdom. Behold, the place which is now called Independence is the center place; and a spot for the temple is lying westward, upon a lot which is not far from the courthouse.
** [[w:Joseph Smith|Joseph Smith]]'s revelation that that Jesus will come to Independence, Missouri when he returns to reign on earth, The ''[[w:Doctrine and Covenants|Doctrine and Covenants]]'', [[s:http://en.wikisource.org/wiki/The_Doctrine_and_Covenants/Section_57|57:1–3]], revelation through Joseph Smith, in Zion, Jackson County, Missouri (July 20, 1831)

====Pearl of Great Price (1838)====
* It no sooner appeared than I found myself delivered from the enemy which held me bound. When the light rested upon me I saw two Personages, whose brightness and glory defy all description, standing above me in the air. One of them spake unto me, calling me by name and said, pointing to the other—''This is My Beloved Son. Hear Him!'' My object in going to inquire of the Lord was to know which of all the sects was right, that I might know which to join. No sooner, therefore, did I get possession of myself, so as to be able to speak, than I asked the Personages who stood above me in the light, which of all the sects was right (for at this time it had never entered into my heart that all were wrong)—and which I should join. I was answered that I must join none of them, for they were all wrong; and the Personage who addressed me said that all their creeds were an abomination in his sight; that those professors were all corrupt; that: “they draw near to me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me, they teach for doctrines the commandments of men, having a form of godliness, but they deny the power thereof.”
** Vers 17 to 19 from [[w:Joseph Smith—History|Joseph Smith—History]] from the [[w:Pearl of Great Price (Mormonism)|Pearl of Great Price]], also called the [[w:First Vision|First Vision]]

====[[w:History of the Church (Joseph Smith)|History of the Church]] (1839)====
* The fundamental principles of our religion are the testimony of the Apostles and Prophets, concerning Jesus Christ, that He died, was buried, and rose again the third day, and ascended into heaven; and all other things which pertain to our religion are only appendages to it.
** [[w:Joseph Smith|Joseph Smith]] from [[w:History of the Church (Joseph Smith)|History of the Church]] 3:30

===The Twentieth Century===
[[File:Weston Zanzibar.jpg|thumb|You cannot claim to worship Jesus in the tabernacle if you do not pity Jesus in the slum. ~ [[Frank Weston]]]]
[[File:Adolf Hitler - Mary with Jesus (1913).jpg|thumb|If Jesus came back and saw what's going on in his name, he'd never stop throwing up. ~ [[Woody Allen]] ]]
[[File:Friedrich Kreuz im Wald.jpg|thumb|I am far within the mark when I say that all the armies that ever marched, and all the navies that ever were built, and all the parliaments that ever sat, all the kings that ever reigned, put together have not affected the [[life]] of man upon this [[earth]] as powerfully as has that One Solitary Life. ~ James Allan Francis ]]
[[File:Wassilij Dimitriewitsch Polenow 005.jpg|thumb|[[Christian anarchism]] is based upon the answer of Jesus to the Pharisees, when He said that he without [[sin]] should be the first to cast the stone, and upon the [[Sermon on the Mount]], which advises the return of [[good]] for [[evil]] and the turning of the other cheek. ~ [[Ammon Hennacy]] ]]
[[File:Brooklyn Museum - Jesus Goes Up Alone onto a Mountain to Pray (Jésus monte seul sur une montagne pour prier) - James Tissot - overall.jpg|thumb|The last two thousand years have brought about a [[duality]] in man such as he never [[experienced]] before, and yet the man who dominates this whole period was one who stood for [[wholeness]], one who proclaimed the [[Holy Ghost]]. No [[life]] in the whole [[history]] of man has been so misinterpreted, so [[woefully]] misunderstood as [[Christ]]'s. ~ [[Henry Miller]] ]]
[[File:Jesus mosaic (584).jpg|thumb|The real [[significance]] of Jesus is obscured by the widespread [[belief]] that [[organized]] [[Christianity]] truly reflects his religion. ~ [[Kirby Page]]]]
[[File:Ary Scheffer - The Temptation of Christ (1854).jpg|thumb|In the most deeply significant of the legends concerning Jesus, we are told how the [[devil]] took him up into a high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the [[world]] in a moment of [[time]]… ~ [[Upton Sinclair]] ]]
[[File:Moreau Pieta.jpg|thumb|Jesus, as we know, answered and said &quot;Get thee behind me, [[Satan]]!&quot; And he really meant it; he would have nothing to do with worldly [[glory]], with &quot;temporal [[power]];&quot; he chose the career of a revolutionary agitator, and died the [[death]] of a disturber of the [[peace]]. ~ [[Upton Sinclair]] ]]
[[File:Jesus wanted poster.jpg|thumb|'''Jesus [[w:Christ|Christ]]''' : Wanted — For Sedition, [[Christian anarchism|Criminal Anarchy]] — Vagrancy, and Conspiring to Overthrow the Established Government. ~ [[w:Art Young|Art Young]] ]]

* '''If Jesus came back and saw what's going on in his [[name]], he'd never stop throwing up.'''
**[[Woody Allen]], in ''[[Hannah and Her Sisters]]'' (1986)

* Paul, {{anchor|AndersonJND1950}}in the fifteenth chapter of his Epistle to the Corinthians, gives a detailed list of several resurrection appearances. Now there is scarcely a scholar who has doubted the genuineness of 1 Corinthians, and its date is generally accepted as about 56 A.D. But the apostle writes that he had not only previously given his readers this information orally (i.e., in 49 A.D.), but had himself 'received' it, presumably from those who were apostles before him. This may take us back to 40 A.D. or to within some ten years of the crucifixion.... Paul tells us that in 56 A.D. the majority of some 500 original witnesses were still alive....
** [[w:Norman Anderson (missionary)|Sir Norman Anderson,]] O.B.E., Q.C., LL.D., F.B.A., [http://www.biblicalstudies.org.uk/article_resurrection_anderson.html &quot;The Evidence for the Resurrection&quot;, IVP, 1950.]

* '''Jesus Christ is to me the outstanding personality of all time, all history, both as Son of God and as Son of Man.''' Everything he ever said or did has value for us today and that is something you can say of no other man, dead or alive. There is no easy middle ground to stroll upon. You either accept Jesus or reject him.
** [[w:Sholem Asch|Sholem Asch]], in an interview with Frank S. Mead of ''The Christian Herald'' (1944), as quoted in ''The Controversial Sholem Asch : An Introduction to his Fiction'' (1976) by Ben Siegel, p. 148

*Many years of work as an evangelist and as a teacher in the field of Christian principles, and a difficult cycle in which I faced the problem of my own relation to Christ and to Christianity, have brought me to two definitely clear and clean-cut recognitions: first, a recognition of the reality of the Individuality of Christ and of His Mission; and secondly, a recognition that the development of the Christ Consciousness and the Christ Nature in individual man, and in the race as a whole, carries with it the solution of our world problem... The kingdom of God is now in process of rapid formation, as all those with forward-seeing vision and a realisation of the rapidly emerging beauty and divinity of man can bear testimony. We are passing through the transition period between the old age and [[Age of Aquarius|the new]], and the true mission of Christ, so deeply and frequently obscured by theological implications and disputations, embodies in itself the coming revelation. The development of humanity guarantees the recognition of Christ and His work and its participation, consciously, in the kingdom of God. (Forward)
**[[Alice Bailey]], in ''From Bethlehem to Calvary.'' (1937)

*A myth is capable of becoming a fact in the experience of an individual, for a myth is a fact which can be proven. Upon the myths we take our stand, but we must seek to re-interpret them in the light of the present. Through self-initiated experiment we can prove their validity; through experience we can establish them as governing forces in our lives; and through their expression we can demonstrate their truth to others. This is the theme of this book, dealing as it does with the facts of the Gospel story, that fivefold sequential myth which teaches us the revelation of divinity in the Person of Jesus Christ, and which remains eternally truth, in the cosmic sense, in the historical sense, and in its practical application to the individual. This myth divides itself into five great episodes: 1. The Birth at Bethlehem. 2. The Baptism in Jordan. 3. The Transfiguration on Mount Carmel. 4. The Crucifixion on Mount Golgotha. 5. The Resurrection and Ascension. (Chapter One)
**[[Alice Bailey]], in ''From Bethlehem to Calvary.'' (1937)

*He is the World Teacher and not a Christian teacher. He Himself told us that He had other folds, and to them He has meant as much as He has meant to the orthodox Christian. They may not call Him Christ, but they have their own name for Him and follow Him as truly and faithfully as their Western brethren. 
**[[Alice Bailey]] in [https://www.lucistrust.org/online_books/the_reappearance_the_christ  &quot;The Reappearance of the Christ&quot;] (1948) p. 62

*In the future, the eyes of humanity will be fixed upon the Christ, and not upon any such man-made institutions as the Church and its dignitaries; Christ will be seen as He is in reality, working through His disciples, through [[Masters of Wisdom|the Masters of the Wisdom]], and through His followers who toil unseen (and usually unrecognised) behind world affairs. The sphere of His activity will be known to be the human heart and also the crowded market places of the world, but not some stone edifice, and not the pomp and ceremony of any ecclesiastical headquarters.
**[[Alice Bailey]] in [https://www.lucistrust.org/online_books/the_reappearance_the_christ  &quot;The Reappearance of the Christ&quot;] (1948) p. 66

* '''In Jesus, God wills to be true God not only in the height but also in the depth — in the depth of human creatureliness, sinfulness and mortality.'''
** [[Karl Barth]], as quoted in ''Basket of Gems'' (2009) by Mark Stibbe, p. 89

*And so, looking over the world at the moment, there seems little likelihood that when He comes He will be welcome. A few will recognise Him as they ever have done, and maybe, as the characteristics of the coming race are those of spirituality, there will be more to welcome Him, for the spiritual life is spreading to-day, and those who are of the Spirit will know the law of the Spirit; and I would fain leave you with the thought tonight that that is a truth, that the Supreme Teacher will again ere very long be incarnate upon earth, again made manifest as Teacher, again walking and living amongst us as last He walked in Palestine. Splendid as is the hope, mighty as is the inspiration, there is nothing too glorious to be possible for the ever-unfolding Spirit in man, and the hope of to-day is that that spirit is spreading, despite the characteristics of our time; that men are becoming more liberal, more tolerant, more ready to recognise that which is true and just. 
**[[Annie Besant]], in [http://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/57667 ''The Changing World and Lectures to Theosophical Students, Lecture VI, The Coming Christ,''] (May, June, and July 1909)

*It may well be that we have reached such a time... that the popular mind of the day will be transcended by large numbers of the more spiritually minded, and that when He comes again He will be able to stay amongst us more than the three brief years that marked His last ministry. That, then, is the word, the thought I leave with you: to develop in yourselves the Spirit of the Christ, and then at His coming you shall recognise His beauty. Learn compassion, learn tenderness, learn good thoughts of others rather than evil, learn to be tender with the weak, learn to be reverent to the great; and if you can develop those qualities in you, then the coming Christ may be able to number you among His disciples, and the welcome that the earth shall give Him shall not again be a cross.
**[[Annie Besant]], in ''The Changing World and Lectures to Theosophical Students, Lecture VI, The Coming Christ,'' (May, June, and July 1909)

*To that manifested Presence the name of &quot;the Christ&quot; may rightly be given, and it was He who lived and moved in the form of the man Jesus over the hills and plains of Palestine, teaching, healing diseases, and gathering round Him as disciples a few of the more advanced souls. The rare charm of His royal love, outpouring from Him as rays from a sun, drew round Him the suffering, the weary, and the oppressed, and the subtly tender magic of His gentle wisdom purified, ennobled, and sweetened the lives that came into contact with His own... By parable and luminous imagery He taught the uninstructed crowds who pressed around Him, and, using the powers of the free Spirit, He healed many a disease by word or touch, reinforcing the magnetic energies belonging to His pure body with the compelling force of His inner life... The teachers and rulers of His nation soon came to eye Him with jealousy and anger; His spirituality was a constant reproach to their materialism, His power a constant, though silent, exposure of their weakness. p. 136
**[[Annie Besant]] in ''Esoteric Christianity: Or, The Lesser Mysteries'' (1914) 

*The historical Christ, then, is a glorious Being belonging to the [[Masters of Wisdom|great spiritual hierarchy]] that guides the [[spiritual]] [[evolution]] of humanity, who used for some three years the human body of the disciple Jesus; who spent the last of these three years in public teaching... who was a healer of diseases and performed other remarkable [[occult]] works; who gathered round Him a small band of disciples whom He instructed in the deeper truths of the spiritual life; who drew men to Him by the singular love and tenderness and the rich [[Ageless Wisdom teachings|wisdom]] that breathed from His Person; and who was finally put to death for blasphemy, for teaching the inherent Divinity of Himself and of all men. p.141
**[[Annie Besant]] in ''Esoteric Christianity: Or, The Lesser Mysteries'' (1914) 

*But it must not be supposed that the work of the Christ for His followers was over after He had established the Mysteries, or was confined to rare appearances therein. That Mighty One who had used the body of Jesus as His vehicle, and whose guardian care extends over the whole spiritual evolution of the fifth race of humanity, gave into the strong hands of the holy disciple who had surrendered to Him his body the care of the infant Church. Perfecting his human evolution, Jesus became one of [[Masters of Wisdom|the Masters of Wisdom]], and took Christianity under His special charge, ever seeking to guide it to the right lines, to protect, to guard and nourish it. He was the Hierophant in the Christian Mysteries, the direct Teacher of the Initiates. His the inspiration that kept alight the Gnosis in the Church, until the superincumbent mass of ignorance became so great that even His breath could not fan the flame sufficiently to prevent its extinguishment. p. 142
**[[Annie Besant]] in ''Esoteric Christianity: Or, The Lesser Mysteries'' (1914) 
* Jesus' own coming was by no means so introverted and other-worldly as a [[Paul of Tarsus|Pauline]] reinterpretation&amp;mdash;always welcome to the [[ruling class]]&amp;mdash;would have it. ... To Jesus, the kingdom of this world was the devil (John 8:44). This is why he never suggested allowing it to go on; he did not conclude a non-aggression pact with it.
** [[Ernst Bloch]], ''Man On His Own'' (1970), p. 123

* From my youth onwards I have found in Jesus my great brother. That Christianity has regarded and does regard him as God and Savior has always appeared to me a fact of the highest importance which, for his sake and my own, I must endeavor to understand … '''I am more than ever certain that a great place belongs to him in Israel's history of faith and that this place cannot be described by any of the usual categories.'''
** [[Martin Buber]], in ''Two Types of Faith'' (1961) Foreword

* According to the [[New Testament]], Jesus is the man for others who views his existence as inextricably tied to other men to the degree that his own Person is inexplicable apart from others. The others, of course, refer to all men, especially the oppressed, the unwanted of society, the &quot;sinners.&quot; He is God himself coming into the very depths of human existence for the sole purpose of striking off the chains of slavery, thereby freeing man from ungodly principalities and powers that hinder his relationship with God.
** [[James Cone]], ''Black Theology and Black Power'' (1969), p. 35

* If the church ... does not make God's liberation of the oppressed central in its mission and proclamation, how can it rest easy with a condemned criminal as the dominant symbol of its message? 
** [[James Cone]], ''Speaking the Truth: Ecumenism, Liberation, and Black Theology'' (1986), p. 6

* By becoming poor and entrusting divine revelation to a carpenter from Nazareth, God makes clear where one has to be in order to hear the divine word and experience divine presence. 
** [[James Cone]], ''Speaking the Truth: Ecumenism, Liberation, and Black Theology'' (1986), p. 9

*In the [[esoteric]] tradition, the Christ is not the name of an individual but of an Office in the [esoteric spiritual] [[Hierarchy]]. The present holder of that Office... has held it for 2,600 years, and manifested in [[Palestine]] through His disciple, [[Jesus]], by the [[occult]] method of overshadowing, the most frequent form used for the manifestation of Avatars. He has never left the world, but for 2,000 years has waited and planned for this immediate future time, training His disciples, and preparing Himself for the awesome task which awaits Him... They stand now, waiting for us to take, of our own free will, the needed first steps in the direction of unity, cooperation and fusion. Then They will emerge with the Christ at Their Head, and Their Presence in the world will be an established fact. 
**[[Benjamin Creme]], in ''The Reappearance of the Christ and the Masters of Wisdom'' (1980)

*The disciple Jesus, Who is now the Master Jesus, was born in Palestine as a third-degree initiate... He was, and still is, a Disciple of the Christ and made the great sacrifice of giving up His body for the use of the Christ. By the... process of overshadowing, the Christ, Maitreya, took over and worked through the body of Jesus from the Baptism onwards. In His next incarnation, as Apollonius of Tyana, Jesus became a Master. 
**[[Benjamin Creme]], in ''The Reappearance of the Christ and the Masters of Wisdom'' (1980)

*He lives now in a Syrian body which is some 600 years old, and has His base in Palestine. He has, in the last 2,000 years, worked in the closest relation to the Christ, saving His time and energy where possible, and has special work to do with the Christian Churches. He is one of the Masters Who will very shortly return to outer work in the world, taking over the Throne of St Peter, in Rome. He will seek to transform the Christian Churches, in so far as they are flexible enough to respond correctly to the new reality which the return of the Christ and [[Masters of Wisdom|the Masters]] will create. [Author's note, 2006: The Master Jesus is now living on the outskirts of Rome.] &lt;BR&gt; I am afraid that the Churches have gone very far away from the religion which the Christ inaugurated; which is to do with sharing, with love, with brotherhood and right relationship.
**[[Benjamin Creme]], in ''The Reappearance of the Christ and the Masters of Wisdom'' (1980)

*Two thousand years ago...[the Christ] overshadowed His disciple Jesus for three years, and Jesus became Jesus the Messiah, or, translated into the Greek, Jesus the Christ. The Christ Himself is Maitreya. His consciousness, from the baptism to the crucifixion, manifested through Jesus and inaugurated the Piscean age which is now coming to an end. Maitreya has come back into the world now to carry on what He began through Jesus, and will complete in the age of Aquarius which is now beginning... Jesus taught through Mohammed. As Maitreya had taught through Him, so He taught through Mohammed. The Buddha taught through the Prince Gautama and Mithra, and Maitreya also taught through Krishna and Shankaracharya at previous times.
**[[Benjamin Creme]], ''[https://share-international.org/books_AWT.html The Ageless Wisdom Teaching]'' (1996)   
 
*The Master Jesus... in Palestine was a very advanced disciple, a fourth-degree initiate, just short of a Master. He took the fourth initiation, the Crucifixion, openly, on the outer plane. Normally you are not expected to die on a cross when you take the fourth initiation. He did that to symbolize for us, dramatically, that great experience of renunciation. He is now a Master, becoming a Master in His immediate next life as [[Apollonius of Tyana|Appolonius of Tyana]], who opened an ashram in north India, where He is buried. From that fact has come the legend that somehow Jesus did not die on the cross, that He was secreted out of Palestine and went to India and is buried there. It was the Being who was Jesus, but in His next incarnation as Appolonius. Jesus is now a very advanced Master. In the seventh to eighth century He went to America and taught the Indian populations, then went out into the Pacific and taught the Polynesians. They all have the legend of a white man who came and taught, and the names are all related to the word `Jesus'. 
**[[Benjamin Creme]], ''[https://share-international.org/books_AWT.html The Ageless Wisdom Teaching]'' (1996)       

*Some of the people around Maitreya were around Jesus in Palestine... [[John the Evangelist|John the Beloved]] is now the [[Koot Hoomi|Master Koot Hoomi]]... We will see Them very shortly. The [[Jesus|Master Jesus]], the best-known Master of all, is already in the world, and has been living in the outskirts of Rome for about seven years.
**[[Benjamin Creme]], [https://www.share-international.org/archives/religion/faq_religion.htm Religion - FAQ,] ''Share International'' (March 1996)

*We, as Christians, are asked to take a very great deal on trust; the teachings, for example, and the miracles of Jesus. If we had to take all on trust, I, for one, should be sceptical. The crux of the problem of whether Jesus was, or was not, what he proclaimed himself to be, must surely depend upon the truth or otherwise of the resurrection. On that greatest point we are not merely asked to have faith. In its favour as a living truth there exists such overwhelming evidence, positive and negative, factual and circumstantial, that no intelligent jury in the world could fail to bring in a verdict that the resurrection story is true.
** [[w:Charles Darling, 1st Baron Darling|Lord Darling,]] who deputised for the Lord Chief Justice 1914-1918, quoted by [[w:Michael Green (theologian)|Michael Green]] in &quot;Man Alive&quot;, IVP, 1967

* Jesus was not divine because he was less human than his fellowmen but for the opposite reason that he was supremely human, and it is this of which his divinity consists, the fullness and perfection of him as an intellectual, moral and spiritual human being.
** [[Eugene Debs]], &quot;Jesus, the Supreme Leader,&quot; in ''Coming Nation'', March 1914

* He has been disfigured and distorted by cunning priests to serve their knavish ends and by ignorant idolaters to give godly sanction to their blind bigotry and savage superstition. He has persisted in spite of two thousand years of theological emasculation to destroy his revolutionary personality.
** [[Eugene Debs]], &quot;Jesus, the Supreme Leader,&quot; in ''Coming Nation'', March 1914

* I had the good luck a few years ago to visit the archeological site of [[w:Sepphoris|Zippori]] in Israel... I could see here displayed the Greek culture that Jesus decisively rejected, the same Greek culture that infiltrated the Christian religion soon after his death and has dominated Christianity ever since.
** [[Freeman Dyson]], ''The Scientist As Rebel'' (2006)

* First, Jesus was no simple peasant, but grew up in intimate contact with an urban and overwhelmingly Greek culture. And second, he intended to lead a spiritual regeneration of his people, based on a total repudiation of Greek culture. In all his preaching, he quotes from the Law and the Prophets, the old Hebrew scriptures. After seeing what the Greek culture had to offer, he went back to his Hebrew roots.
** [[Freeman Dyson]], ''The Scientist As Rebel'' (2006)

* As a child I received instruction both in the Bible and in the Talmud. I am a Jew, but I am enthralled by the luminous figure of the Nazarene. ... No one can read the Gospels without feeling the actual presence of Jesus. His personality pulsates in every word. No myth is filled with such life.
** [[Albert Einstein]], physicist (1879–1955) (from: [http://jmm.aaa.net.au/articles/13353.htm])

* Not a single one of our ancient sources indicates that Jesus was married, let alone married to [[Mary Magdalene]]. All such claims are part of modem fictional reconstructions of Jesus' life, not rooted in the surviving accounts themselves. The historical approach to our sources may not be as exciting and sensationalist as fictional claims about Jesus (he kept a lover! he had sex! he made babies!), but there's something to be said for knowing what really happened in history, even if it is not as titillating as what happens in novels.
** [[Bart D. Ehrman]], ''Truth and Fiction in The Da Vinci Code'' (2004), Ch. 7: &quot;Jesus, Mary Magdalene, and Marriage&quot;

* '''Here is a man who was born in an obscure village, the child of a peasant woman.''' He grew up in another obscure village, where He worked in a carpenter shop until He was thirty, and then for three years He was an itinerant preacher. He never wrote a book. He never held an office. He never owned a home. He never had a family. He never went to college. He never put his foot inside a big city. He never traveled two hundred miles from the place where He was born. He never did one of the things that usually accompany greatness. '''He had no credentials but Himself. He had nothing to do with this world except the naked power of His divine manhood.''' While still a young man, the tide of public opinion turned against Him. His friends ran away. One of them denied Him. He was turned over to His enemies. He went through the mockery of a trial. He was nailed to a cross between two thieves. His executioners gambled for the only piece of property He had on earth while He was dying — and that was [[w: Seamless robe of Jesus|his coat]]. When he was dead He was taken down and laid in a borrowed grave through the pity of a friend. Nineteen wide centuries have come and gone and today He is the centerpiece of the [[human]] race and the [[leader]] of the column of [[progress]]. '''I am far within the mark when I say that all the armies that ever marched, and all the navies that ever were built, and all the parliaments that ever sat, all the kings that ever reigned, put together have not affected the [[life]] of man upon this [[earth]] as powerfully as has that One Solitary Life.'''
** [[James Allan Francis]], ''One Solitary Life'' (1963), p. 1–7. This miniature book, made up entirely of the text above, was hand set and printed by Doris V. Welsh, a former staff member of the Newberry Library, in an edition of 150 copies. No information in the book is given for the first published source of this essay by James Allan Francis, D. D. (1864–1928), nor could it be found in the essays and sermons by Francis in the collections of his writings in the Library of Congress. Nor was the Newberry Library able to identify the original published source. As an anonymous work and with some variations in the text, &quot;One Solitary Life&quot; was published in The Irish Echo, December 27, 1969, p. 10; in the Congressional Record, December 23, 1969, vol. 115, p. 13105; and on a variety of Christmas greeting cards in the 1970s and 1980s.

* Jesus was the first socialist, the first to seek a better life for mankind.
**[[Mikhail Gorbachev]], as quoted in ''Daily Telegraph'' (16 June 1992)

* I'm hoping that [the defrauded faithful will] see that it's not necessary to look to some person to jerk you off to get off and put your belief in.
** [[w:MarJoe Gortner|MarJoe Gortner]], one-time child evangelist who [http://youtube.com/watch?v=6O0p4ZDnDoQ exposed] the fraudulence of fundamentalist Christian sermons in America in the 1972 academy-award winning documentary ''[[w:MarJoe|MarJoe]]''. He estimates that he raised $3 million (1960s) dollars in donations.

* Would you get out your checkbook tonight? … Bring what you would for JESUS tonight.
** [[w:MarJoe Gortner|MarJoe Gortner]], one-time child evangelist who [http://youtube.com/watch?v=6O0p4ZDnDoQ exposed] the fraudulence of fundamentalist Christian sermons in America in the 1972 academy-award winning documentary ''[[w:MarJoe|MarJoe]]''. He estimates that he raised $3 million (1960s) dollars in donations.

* [To an elderly women requesting a blessing.] Do you believe that the Lord's going to do it tonight? Do you believe that he's going to touch this condition? Say Yes Lord. Say THANK YOU JESUS! In the name of Jesus! In the name of JESUS! [Woman collapses in euphoria.] Thank you Jesus. Hallelujah!
** [[w:MarJoe Gortner|MarJoe Gortner]], one-time child evangelist who [http://youtube.com/watch?v=6O0p4ZDnDoQ exposed] the fraudulence of fundamentalist Christian sermons in America in the 1972 academy-award winning documentary ''[[w:MarJoe|MarJoe]]''. He estimates that he raised $3 million (1960s) dollars in donations.

* '''[[Christian anarchism]] is based upon the answer of Jesus to the Pharisees, when He said that he without sin should be the first to cast the stone, and upon the Sermon on the Mount, which advises the return of good for evil and the turning of the other cheek.''' Therefore, when we take any part in government by voting for legislative, judicial, and executive officials, we make these men our arm by which we cast a stone and deny the Sermon on the Mount. &lt;br /&gt; The dictionary definition of a Christian is one who follows Christ; kind, kindly, Christ-like. Anarchism is voluntary cooperation for good, with the right of secession. '''A Christian anarchist is therefore one who turns the other cheek, overturns the tables of the moneychangers, and does not need a cop to tell him how to behave. A Christian anarchist does not depend upon bullets or ballots to achieve his ideal; he achieves that ideal daily by the One-Man Revolution with which he faces a decadent, confused, and dying world.'''
** [[Ammon Hennacy]], &quot;Christian Anarchism&quot; in ''The Book of Ammon'' (1965)

* I say: my feeling as a Christian points me to my Lord and Saviour as a fighter. It points me to the man who once in loneliness, surrounded only by a few followers, recognized these Jews for what they were and summoned men to the fight against them and who, God's truth! was greatest not as sufferer but as fighter. In boundless love as a Christian and as a man I read through the passage which tells us how the Lord at last rose in His might and seized the scourge to drive out of the Temple the brood of vipers and of adders. How terrific was His fight for the world against the Jewish poison. Today, after two thousand years, with deepest emotion I recognize more profoundly than ever before — the fact that it was for this that He had to shed His blood upon the Cross.
** [[Adolf Hitler]], [http://humanitas-international.org/showcase/chronography/speeches/1922-04-12.html Munich speech of April 12, 1922]

* The best characterization is provided by the product of this religious education, the Jew himself. His life is only of this world, and his spirit is inwardly as alien to true Christianity as his nature two thousand years previous was to the great founder of the new doctrine. Of course, the latter made no secret of his attitude toward the Jewish people, and when necessary he even took the whip to drive from the temple of the Lord this adversary of all humanity, who then as always saw in religion nothing but an instrument for his business existence. In return, Christ was nailed to the cross, while our present-day party Christians debase themselves to begging for Jewish votes at elections and later try to arrange political swindles with atheistic Jewish parties&amp;mdash;and this against their own nation.
** [[Adolf Hitler]], ''[[w:Mein Kampf|Mein Kampf]]'' (1925), Vol. 1, Chapter 11
** Variant translation: And the founder of Christianity made no secret indeed of his estimation of the Jewish people. When He found it necessary, He drove those enemies of the human race out of the Temple of God.
*** Vol. 1, p. 174

* All good men are anarchists. All cultured, kindly men; all gentlemen; all just men are anarchists. '''Jesus was an anarchist.'''
** [[Elbert Hubbard]], in ''A Message to Garcia and Thirteen Other Things'' (1901), p. 147

* Listen, Christ, &lt;br /&gt; You did alright in your day, I reckon— &lt;br /&gt; But that day's gone now. &lt;br /&gt; They ghosted you up a swell story, too, &lt;br /&gt; Called it Bible— &lt;br /&gt; But it's dead now. &lt;br /&gt; The popes and the preachers've &lt;br /&gt; Made too much money from it. &lt;br /&gt; They've sold you too many &lt;br /&gt; &lt;br /&gt; Kings, generals, robbers, and killers— &lt;br /&gt; Even to the Czar and the Cossacks, &lt;br /&gt; Even to Rockefeller's church, &lt;br /&gt; Even to THE SATURDAY EVENING POST. &lt;br /&gt; You ain't no good no more. &lt;br /&gt; They've pawned you &lt;br /&gt; Till you've done wore out. &lt;br /&gt; &lt;br /&gt; Goodbye, &lt;br /&gt; Christ Jesus Lord God Jehova, &lt;br /&gt; Beat it on away from here now. &lt;br /&gt; Make way for a new guy with no religion at all— &lt;br /&gt; A real guy named &lt;br /&gt; Marx Communist Lenin Peasant Stalin Worker ME— &lt;br /&gt; I said, ME! &lt;br /&gt; &lt;br /&gt; Go Ahead on now, &lt;br /&gt; You're getting in the way of things, Lord. &lt;br /&gt; And please take Saint Ghandi [sic] with you when you go, &lt;br /&gt; And Saint Pope Pius, &lt;br /&gt; And Saint Aimee McPherson, &lt;br /&gt; And big black Saint Becton &lt;br /&gt; Of the Consecrated Dime. &lt;br /&gt; And step on the gas, Christ! &lt;br /&gt; &lt;br /&gt; Move! &lt;br /&gt; Don't be so slow about movin'! &lt;br /&gt; The world is mine from now on— &lt;br /&gt; And nobody's gonna sell ME &lt;br /&gt; To a king, or a general, &lt;br /&gt; Or a millionaire.
** [[Langston Hughes]], &quot;Goodbye Christ,&quot; The Negro Worker, November/December 1932, p. 32

* '''Jesus was an anarchist savior. That's what the Gospels tell us.'''
** [[Ivan Illich]], [http://www.davidtinapple.com/illich/1988_Educational.html ''The Educational enterprise in the Light of the Gospel'', Chicago (13 November 1988)]


* He comes into the world God knows how, walks on the water, gets out of his grave and goes up off the Hill of Howth. What drivel is this?
** [[James Joyce]], ''Stephen Hero'', ch. 21 (1944)

* '''Although Jesus is widely considered mankind's greatest moral teacher, the greatest Christians, not to speak of scholars, have never been able to agree what his moral teachings were.''' Matthew, and he alone, reports that Jesus said: &quot;Let your Yes be Yes, and your No, No.&quot; But the four Evangelists agree in ascribing to Jesus evasive and equivocal answers to plain questions, not only those of the high priest and Pilate; and '''quite generally the Jesus of the New Testament avoids straightforward statements, preferring parables and hyperboles.''' Some of the parables are so ambiguous that different Evangelists, not to speak of later [[theologian]]s, offer different interpretations. … '''On concrete moral issues, Jesus can be, and has been, cited on almost all sides.'''
** [[Walter Kaufmann (philosopher)|Walter Kaufmann]], in &quot;The Faith of a Heretic&quot; in ''Harper's Magazine'' (February 1959)

* '''Jesus is not an impractical [[idealist]]; he is the [practical [[realist]].'''
* I am certain that Jesus [[understood]] the [[difficulty]] inherent in the act of [[loving]] one's [[enemy]]. He never joined the ranks of those who talk glibly about the easiness of the moral life. He realized that every genuine expression of love grows out of a consistent and total surrender to God. So when Jesus said &quot;love your enemy,&quot; he was not unmindful of its stringent qualities. Yet he meant every word of it. Our responsibility as Christians is to discover the meaning of this command and seek passionately to live it out in our daily lives.
:* [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], [http://www.skeptictank.org/files/socialis/mlk.htm &quot;Loving Your Enemies&quot;]. Dexter Avenue Baptist Church, Montgomery, Alabama (25 December 1957).

* Jesus recognized the need for blending opposites. He knew that his disciples would face a difficult and hostile world, where they would confront the recalcitrance of political officials and the intransigence of the protectors of the old order. He knew that they would meet cold and arrogant men whose hearts had been hardened by the long winter of traditionalism. … And he gave them a formula for action, &quot;Be ye therefore as [[wise]] as serpents, and [[harmless]] as doves.&quot; … We must combine the toughness of the serpent with the softness of the dove, a tough mind and a tender heart.
** [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], [http://books.google.gr/books?id=suOrdSCO_7gC&amp;q= &quot;Strength to Love&quot;], Ch. 1 : A tough mind and a tender heart, (1963).

* '''Jesus Christ was an [[extremist]] for [[love]], [[truth]] and [[goodness]].'''
** [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], &quot;{{w|Letter from a Birmingham Jail}}&quot; (1963).

* I've come here to tell the most exciting story in the history of mankind: the life of Jesus Christ. I'm not talking about the Jesus in those horribly gaudy pictures. Not the Jesus with the jaundice-yellow skin&amp;mdash;whom crazy human society has turned into the biggest whore of all time. Whose corpse they perversely drag around on disgraceful crosses. I don't mean the jabbering about God or the blubbering hymns. I don't mean the Jesus whose moldy kiss frightens little girls out of horny dreams before their First Communion and then make them die of shame and disgust when they foam in the latrines. I'm talking about the ''man'': the restless man who says we have to turn over a new leaf all the time, now! I'm talking about the adventurer, the freest, most fearless, most modern of all men, the one who preferred being massacred to rotting with others. I'm talking about the man who is like what all of us want to be. You and I.
** [[Klaus Kinski]], in ''Kinski Uncut : The Autobiography of Klaus Kinski'' (1996), p. 1–2

* After the fall of so many gods in this century, this person, broken at the hands of his opponents and constantly betrayed through the ages by his adherents, is obviously still for innumerable people the most moving figure in the long history of mankind.
** [[w:Hans Küng|Hans Küng]], theologian (b. 1928) (from: [http://jmm.aaa.net.au/articles/13353.htm])

* I accept the resurrection of Easter Sunday not as an invention of the community of disciples, but as a historical event. If the resurrection of Jesus from the dead on that Easter Sunday were a public event which had been made known...not only to the 530 Jewish witnesses but to the entire population, all Jews would have become followers of Jesus.
** [[w:Pinchas Lapide|Pinchas Lapide]], Orthodox Jewish scholar (b. 1922) (from: [http://jmm.aaa.net.au/articles/13353.htm])

* '''The true founder of anarchy was [[Jesus]] [[w:Christ|Christ]] and … the first anarchist society was that of the apostles.'''
** Georges Lechartier, as quoted in [http://www.ditext.com/woodcock/anarch.html ''Anarchism : A History of Libertarian Ideas and Movements'' (1962)] by [[George Woodcock]], [http://www.ditext.com/woodcock/2.html Part One : The Idea, Ch. 2 : The Family Tree p. 36]

* [The lawless men of Acts 2:23 who nailed Jesus to the cross and killed Him include] Judas Iscariot, chief priests, officers of the temple, elders, the high priest and Jewish Sanhedrin, Pilate, Herod, and the Roman soldiers – mainly the Jewish religionists with their deputies and the Gentile politicians with their subordinates. This indicates that Jesus was killed by all mankind.
** [[w:Witness Lee|Witness Lee]], The Acts of the Apostles, Recovery version, p. 13, ''Living Stream Ministry'', December 1984

* I am trying to prevent anyone saying the really foolish thing that people often say about Him, 'I'm ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don't accept His claim to be God.' That is the sort of thing we must not say. '''A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would either be a lunatic — on a level with the man who says he is a poached egg — or He would be the devil of hell.''' You must make a choice. Either this man was, and is, the Son of God; or else a madman or something worse. You can shut Him up for a fool, you can spit at Him and kill him as a demon; or you can fall at His feet and call Him Lord and God. But let us not come with any patronizing nonsense about His being a great human teacher. He has not left that open to us. He did not intend to.
** [[C. S. Lewis]] (from: ''Mere Christianity''[http://jmm.aaa.net.au/articles/13353.htm])

*Jesus of Nazareth and the [[Christ]] are not one and the same person. This is one of the most difficult claims for many Christians to accept in connection with [[Maitreya (Theosophy)|Maitreya]], the World Teacher, and it therefore needs some further explanation. In fact, the title Christ does not refer to an individual at all. It is the name of a function in the [[Masters of Wisdom|Hierarchy of Masters of Wisdom]], that group of advanced beings who guide the evolution of humanity from behind the scenes. ... In reality Jesus was a fourth-degree initiate and one of the older disciples of the Masters of Wisdom. He appeared before in biblical times as Joshua, the son of Nun, then as [[Isaiah]], and again as Joshua in the book of Zachariah... The events from Jesus' life and his words have been greatly misinterpreted due to this little-understood connection between his work and that of Maitreya the Christ. This has given rise to the age-old theological point of contention -- namely, whether Jesus was God or man, or perhaps both together. The answer is that Jesus was a man who, as a result of the process of evolution, became a Son of God -- as does everyone eventually. Others had gone before him on that path and many have taken it since.
**[https://share-international.org/archives/AgelessWisdom/aw_pl-JnM.htm Peter Liefhebber in Maitreya the Christ, ''Share International Magazine''] (April 1999)

*The Master Jesus has been incarnate in a Syrian body for about 640 years. He is described in ''Initiation, Human and Solar'' by [[Alice A. Bailey]]...as follows: He is rather a martial figure, a disciplinarian and a man of iron rule and will. He is tall and spare with rather a long thin face, black hair, pale complexion, and piercing blue eyes. In the Hierarchy he is described as the Great Leader, the General and the Wise Executive. No one is so closely in touch with the people who stand for all that is best in the Christian teachings and no-one is so well aware of the needs of the present moment. During most of this time he has lived mainly in Palestine. Since 1984, however, he has lived in Rome. The intention is that he will try to raise the Christian churches out of their state of crystallization and rivalry and, if invited to do so, to lead a newly united church. By doing so he hopes to resolve the many contradictions and misunderstandings which have arisen during the course of the centuries about his historic role and the teachings which he then disseminated as a vehicle for Maitreya.
**[https://share-international.org/archives/AgelessWisdom/aw_pl-JnM.htm Peter Liefhebber in Maitreya the Christ, ''Share International Magazine''] (April 1999)

* Christ is a new man. The new man is a Soviet man. Therefore Christ is a Soviet man!
** [[w:Justinian Marina|Justinian Marina]], [[w:Romania|Romanian]] patriarch, quoted by [[w:Czesław Miłosz|Czesław Miłosz]] in ''[[w:The Captive Mind|The Captive Mind]]'' (1953)

*'''Jesus, not [[Julius Caesar|Cæsar]]''', I repeat,—this is the meaning of our [[history]] and [[democracy]].
** {{citation
|title=The Religious Conditions in Czechoslovakia
|year=c1921
|first=Tomáš
|last=Garrigue Masaryk
| authorlink=Tomáš Garrigue Masaryk
| page=7
|url=https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/The_Religious_Conditions_in_Czechoslovakia
}}

* The last two thousand years have brought about a duality in man such as he never experienced before, and yet the man who dominates this whole period was one who stood for [[wholeness]], one who proclaimed the [[Holy Ghost]]. '''No [[life]] in the whole [[history]] of man has been so misinterpreted, so woefully misunderstood as [[Christ]]'s.'''
** [[Henry Miller]] in ''The Wisdom of the Heart'' (1941)

* '''[[Political]] leaders are never leaders. For leaders we have to look to the Awakeners!''' [[Laozi|Lao Tse]], [[Gautama Buddha|Buddha]], [[Socrates]], '''Jesus''', [[w:Milarepa|Milarepa]], [[G. I. Gurdjieff|Gurdjiev]], [[Jiddu Krishnamurti|Krishnamurti]].
** [[Henry Miller]], in ''My Bike &amp; Other Friends'' (1977), p. 12

*The disciples asked [[Jesus]]: Who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind?&quot; (John 9:2-3) How could a man sin before he was born, unless the sin was committed in [[Reincarnation|another life]]? The apostles are not asking what kind of sin resulted in blindness, but *who* sinned, taking for granted that the act of sinning itself brought about this dire result.&lt;BR&gt; Furthermore, the sin could have been committed either by the man in a previous existence, or by his parents. This implies both that the sins of the parents are visited upon the children, which is a biblical doctrine, and that the soul exists and therefore pays for the transgressions of previous lives.&lt;BR&gt; Jesus does not rebuff the apostles for asking such a question. If the doctrine had been alien to his mind, he would have told them that they were talking nonsense. 
**Jeanine Miller, in [https://www.share-international.org/archives/AgelessWisdom/aw_jmreincarn.htm ''Reincarnation and karma in the Bible (Share International)'']

* In his own lifetime Jesus made no impact on history. This is something that I cannot but regard as a special dispensation on God's part, and, I like to think, yet another example of the ironical humour which informs so many of his purposes. To me, it seems highly appropriate that the most important figure in all history should thus escape the notice of memoirists, diarists, commentators, all the tribe of chroniclers who even then existed.
** [[Malcolm Muggeridge]], journalist (1903–90) (from: [http://jmm.aaa.net.au/articles/13353.htm])

* '''Jesus died too soon. If he had lived to my age he would have repudiated his doctrine.'''
** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], ''[[w:Thus Spoke Zarathustra|Thus Spoke Zarathustra]]''

* When Jesus and his disciples are said to be in the world but not of the world, the meaning is clear enough. Although they live in the world they are not worldly, they do not subscribe to the present values and standards of the world. ... The values of the kingdom [of God] are different from, and opposed to, the values of this world. There is no reason for thinking that it means the kingdom will float in the air somewhere above the earth or that it will be an abstract entity without any tangible social and political structure.
** [[Albert Nolan]], ''Jesus Before Christianity: The Gospel of Liberation'' (1976), p. 48

* '''Jesus wanted to [[Liberty|liberate]] everyone from the [[law]] — from all laws. But this could not be achieved by abolishing or changing the law. He had to dethrone the law.''' He had to ensure that the law be man’s servant and not his master (Mark 2:27-28). '''Man must therefore take [[responsibility]] for his servant, the law, and use it to serve the needs of [[mankind]].'''
** [[Albert Nolan]], in ''Jesus Before Christianity: The Gospel of Liberation'' (1976), p. 72

* It is imperative that the contrasts between Christianity and Jesus be clearly revealed and strongly emphasized. First, because the real significance of Jesus is obscured by the widespread belief that organized Christianity truly reflects his religion; and second, because it will be practically impossible to abolish giant evils while they are hallowed by the blessing of the churches. As long as ministers and laymen labor under the delusion that contemporary Christianity is the same religion that Jesus practiced they will remain immunized against his way of life and will lack the vision.
** [[Kirby Page]], ''Jesus or Christianity A Study In Contrasts'' (1929)

* Those persons who were responsible for his tragic death had only the faintest understanding of what he was seeking to accomplish. Even his own disciples so completely misinterpreted his teaching that at the very end they argued among themselves as to who should have the chief places. ...they still visualized twelve thrones of solid gold and quarreled among themselves over the seats of honor on the right and left of the king. How much less able to fathom the meaning of his words and deeds were the ecclesiastical leaders.
** [[Kirby Page]], ''Jesus or Christianity A Study In Contrasts'' (1929)

* Where is it that the youth is to seek the energy to subdue his genital titillations? In [[faith]] in Jesus! As a matter of fact, he does derive an enormous [[power]] against his [[sexuality]] from his faith in Jesus. What is the basis of its mechanism? The [[mystical]] experience puts him in a state of vegetative excitation, which never culminates in natural orgastic gratification. The youth’s sexual drive develops in a passive [[homosexual]] direction. In terms of the drive’s energy, passive homosexuality is the most effective counterpart of [[natural]] [[masculine]] sexuality, for it replaces [[activity]] and [[aggression]] by [[passivity]] and [[masochistic]] [[attitudes]], that is to say, by precisely those attitudes that determine the mass basis of [[patriarchal]] [[authoritarian]] mysticism in the [[human]] structure. At the same time, however, this implies unquestioning [[loyalty]], faith in authority and ability to adapt to the institution of patriarchal compulsive [[marriage]]. In short, religious mysticism pits one sexual drive against another.
** [[Wilhelm Reich]], ''The Mass Psychology of Fascism'', (1933), p. 163.

* [[Healthy]] [[adolescent]] [[sexuality]] would not necessarily have to stifle [[veneration]] for the Jesus [[legend]]. The [[Bible|Old and the New Testament]] can be [[appreciated]] as stupendous [[achievements]] of the [[human]] [[mind]], but this appreciation should not be used to suppress sexuality. My [[medical]] [[experience]] has [[taught]] me that adolescents who are sexually [[sick]] have an unhealthy appreciation of the [[legend]] of Jesus. 
** [[Wilhelm Reich]], ''The Mass Psychology of Fascism'', (1933), p. 168.

* Will you touch, will you mend me Christ? &lt;br /&gt; Won't you touch, will you heal me Christ? &lt;br /&gt; Will you kiss, can you cure me Christ? &lt;br /&gt; Won't you kiss, won't you pay me Christ? &lt;br /&gt; 
:See my eyes, I can hardly see &lt;br /&gt; See me stand, I can hardly walk &lt;br /&gt; I believe you can make me whole &lt;br /&gt; See my tongue, I can hardly talk. &lt;br /&gt; 
:See my skin, I'm a mass of blood &lt;br /&gt; See my legs, I can hardly stand &lt;br /&gt; I believe you can make me well &lt;br /&gt; See my purse, I'm a poor, poor man.
:* [[Jesus Christ Superstar]], lyrics by Tim Rice (1970)

* So you are the Christ you're the great Jesus Christ &lt;br /&gt; Prove to me that you're divine - change my water into wine &lt;br /&gt; That's all you need to do then I'll know it's all true &lt;br /&gt; C'mon King of the Jews.
:Prove to me that you're no fool - walk across my swimming pool &lt;br /&gt; If you do that for me then I'll let you go free &lt;br /&gt; C'mon King of the Jews.
:* [[Jesus Christ Superstar]], lyrics by Tim Rice (1970)

* I remember when this whole thing began &lt;br /&gt; No talk of God then, we called you a man &lt;br /&gt; And believe me, my admiration for you hasn't died &lt;br /&gt; But every word you say today &lt;br /&gt; Gets twisted round some other way &lt;br /&gt; And they'll hurt if they think you've lied.
:* [[w:Tim Rice|Tim Rice]], [[Jesus Christ Superstar]] (1970): [[w:Judas|Judas]] in &quot;Heaven on Their Minds&quot; 

* You ask whether it is possible to understand the indication regarding the appearance of Christ in lesser images and in reality. Certainly. Medievalism made an inaccessible idol of Christ and deprived him of any humanity, therefore also of divinity. Thus, all the Teachings of the East proclaim that there is no god (or gods) who was not at one time a man. Such a forced separation of Christ from human essence threatened and still threatens a complete break in the communion of humanity with the Higher World. One can trace how in the Middle Ages there appeared every now and then great saints who tried to re-establish this almost lost communion, and all of them insisted precisely on the human essence of Christ. Especially strong affirmations of this can be found in the pages of the autobiography of [[Teresa of Ávila|St. Theresa]], the Spanish saint of the sixteenth century, and still earlier, in the visions and writings of [[Catherine of Siena|St. Catherine of Siena]] and St. Gertrude. Thus, the form and the quality of the visions and communications received through such communion always correspond with the level of the consciousness of those who see and receive them, and also with the needs of the time. As it was said, &quot;In is precisely by following the character of the visions that the best history of the intellect may be written.&quot;
**[[Helena Roerich]], ''Letters of Helena Roerich II'', (2 April 1936)

*I strongly recommend that all read the autobiography of [[Teresa of Ávila|St. Theresa]]. In spite of the fact that this work went through the &quot;spiritual&quot; censorship of the Church, some amazing pages have been preserved. By propagating the dogma of Jesus Christ as the only begotten Son of God, the Church contradicts the very sense of the prayer given to us by Jesus Christ himself, &quot;Our Father which art in heaven.&quot; And also the words of the Scriptures, &quot;So God created man in his own image.&quot; (Genesis 1:27) Thus, by claiming the exclusiveness of sonship and divine origin for Jesus Christ, the Church, by that very claim, forever divorced him from mankind. From this came a whole train of grave events; the exclusion of Jesus Christ from the life of humanity, the obliteration of his human Sacrifice and the awful suggestion implying that the death of Christ on the Cross saved humanity from &quot;original&quot; sin (?!) and from all subsequent sins.
** [[Helena Roerich]], in ''Letters of Helena Roerich II'', (2 April 1936)
 
* It is generally taken for granted that we should all agree that [Christ was the best and the wisest of men]. I do not myself.
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''[[w:Why I am not a Christian|Why I am not a Christian]]'' (1927), &quot;The Character of Christ&quot;

* You will remember that Christ said, &quot;Judge not lest ye be judged.&quot; That principle I do not think you would find was popular in the law courts of Christian countries. I have known in my time quite a number of judges who were very earnest Christians, and none of them felt that they were acting contrary to Christian principles in what they did. Then Christ says, &quot;Give to him that asketh of thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away.&quot; That is a very good principle... Then there is one other maxim of Christ which I think has a great deal in it, but I do not find that it is very popular among some of our Christian friends. '''He says, &quot;If thou wilt be perfect, go and sell that which thou hast, and give to the poor.&quot; That is a very excellent maxim, but, as I say, it is not much practised.''' All these, I think, are good maxims, although they are a little difficult to live up to. '''I do not profess to live up to them myself; but then, after all, it is not quite the same thing as for a Christian.'''
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''[http://www.users.drew.edu/~jlenz/whynot.html Why I am not a Christian]'' (1927), &quot;The Character of Christ&quot;

* Having granted the excellence of these maxims, I come to certain points in which I do not believe that one can grant either the superlative wisdom or the superlative goodness of Christ as depicted in the Gospels... there one does find some things that do not seem to be very wise. For one thing, he certainly thought that His second coming would occur in clouds of glory before the death of all the people who were living at that time. There are a great many texts that prove that. He says, for instance, &quot;Ye shall not have gone over the cities of Israel till the Son of Man be come.&quot; Then he says, &quot;There are some standing here which shall not taste death till the Son of Man comes into His kingdom&quot;; and there are a lot of places where '''it is quite clear that He believed that His second coming would happen during the lifetime of many then living.''' That was the belief of His earlier followers, and it was the basis of a good deal of His moral teaching. When He said, &quot;Take no thought for the morrow,&quot; and things of that sort, it was very largely because He thought that the second coming was going to be very soon, and that all ordinary mundane affairs did not count. I have, as a matter of fact, known some Christians who did believe that the second coming was imminent. I knew a parson who frightened his congregation terribly by telling them that the second coming was very imminent indeed, but they were much consoled when they found that he was planting trees in his garden. The early Christians did really believe it, and they did abstain from such things as planting trees in their gardens, because they did accept from Christ the belief that the second coming was imminent. '''In that respect, clearly He was not so wise as some other people have been, and He was certainly not superlatively wise.'''
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''Why I am not a Christian'' (1927), &quot;Defects in Christ's Teaching&quot;

* '''There is one very serious defect to my mind in Christ's moral character, and that is that He believed in Hell.''' I do not myself feel that any person who is really profoundly humane can believe in everlasting punishment. Christ certainly as depicted in the Gospels did believe in everlasting punishment, and one does find repeatedly a vindictive fury against those people who would not listen to His preaching — an attitude which is not uncommon with preachers, but which does somewhat detract from superlative excellence... You will find that in the Gospels Christ said, &quot;Ye serpents, ye generation of vipers, how can ye escape the damnation of Hell.&quot; That was said to people who did not like His preaching. It is not really to my mind quite the best tone, and there are a great many of these things about Hell. There is, of course, the familiar text about the sin against the Holy Ghost: &quot;Whosoever speaketh against the Holy Ghost it shall not be forgiven him neither in this World nor in the world to come.&quot; That text has caused an unspeakable amount of misery in the world, for all sorts of people have imagined that they have committed the sin against the Holy Ghost, and thought that it would not be forgiven them either in this world or in the world to come. I really do not think that a person with a proper degree of kindliness in his nature would have put fears and terrors of that sort into the world.
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''Why I am not a Christian'' (1927), &quot;The Moral Problem&quot;

* Christ says, &quot;The Son of Man shall send forth His angels, and they shall gather out of His kingdom all things that offend, and them which do iniquity, and shall cast them into a furnace of fire; there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth&quot;; and He goes on about the wailing and gnashing of teeth. It comes in one verse after another, and it is quite manifest to the reader that there is a certain pleasure in contemplating wailing and gnashing of teeth, or else it would not occur so often. Then you all, of course, remember about the sheep and the goats; how at the second coming He is going to divide the sheep from the goats, and He is going to say to the goats: &quot;Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire.&quot; He continues: &quot;And these shall go away into everlasting fire.&quot; Then He says again, &quot;If thy hand offend thee, cut it off; it is better for thee to enter into life maimed, than having two hands to go into Hell, into the fire that never shall be quenched, where the worm dieth not and the fire is not quenched.&quot; He repeats that again and again also. '''I must say that I think all this doctrine, that Hell-fire is a punishment for sin, is a doctrine of cruelty.''' It is a doctrine that put cruelty into the world, and gave the world generations of cruel torture; and the Christ of the Gospels, if you could take Him as his chroniclers represent Him, would certainly have to be considered partly responsible for that.
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''Why I am not a Christian'' (1927), &quot;The Moral Problem&quot;

* There is the instance of the Gadarene swine, where it certainly was not very kind to the pigs to put the devils into them and make them rush down the hill into the sea. You must remember that He was omnipotent, and He could have made the devils simply go away; but He chose to send them into the pigs. Then there is the curious story of the fig-tree, which always rather puzzled me. You remember what happened about the fig-tree. &quot;He was hungry; and seeing a fig-tree afar off having leaves, He came if haply He might find anything thereon; and when he came to it He found nothing but leaves, for the time of figs was not yet. And Jesus answered and said unto it: 'No man eat fruit of thee hereafter for ever'.... and Peter.... saith unto Him: 'Master, behold the fig-tree which thou cursedst is withered away.'&quot; This is a very curious story, because it was not the right time of year for figs, and you really could not blame the tree. '''I cannot myself feel that either in the matter of wisdom or in the matter of virtue Christ stands quite as high as some other people known to History. I think I should put [[Gautama Buddha|Buddha]] and [[Socrates]] above Him in those respects.'''
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''Why I am not a Christian'' (1927), &quot;The Moral Problem&quot;

* Christ said &quot;Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself&quot; and when asked &quot;who is thy neighbour? went on to the parable of the [[w:Good Samaritan|Good Samaritan]]. If you wish to understand this parable as it was understood by his hearers, you should substitute &quot;Germans and Japanese&quot; for Samaritan. '''I fear my modern day Christians would resent such a substitution, because it would compel them to realize how far they have departed from the teachings of the founder of their religion.'''
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''[[Unpopular Essays]]'' (1950), Ch. 9: Ideas That Have Helped Mankind

* There was no point of controversy between Jesus and the Jews; Jesus brought no new doctrine unto them. Jesus said, What the masters in Israel teach, what the Pharisees and the Scribes teach, is perfectly correct. There was no dogma which was the cause of controversy between Jesus and the nation; there was no new custom that Jesus introduced: He went into the Temple every day. He observed the ordinances and festivals of Israel. What was the subject of dispute and controversy between Jesus and the Jews? It was no doctrine, it was no innovation, it was Jesus Himself whom they rejected. There was an antipathy in them to the person of Jesus: it was the Lord Himself whom they hated, because they hated the Father. . . . But Jesus knew . . . that it was because He was one with the Father, because He was the express image of His being, because He was the perfect manifestation of the character of God, that they hated Him; and therefore Jesus was pained, not because they hated Him, but because they hated in Him the Father.
** Adolph Saphir{{source}}

* Jesus then realized he had been brought here under false pretences, as the lamb is led to sacrifice and that his life had been planned for death since the very beginning. Remembering the river of blood and suffering that would flow from his side and flood the entire earth, he called out to the open sky where God could be seen smiling, '''Men, forgive Him, for He knows not what He has done.'''
** [[José Saramago]], ''[[w:The Gospel According to Jesus Christ|O Evangelho Segundo Jesus Cristo]]'' (1991); ''The Gospel According to Jesus Christ'', trans. [[w:Giovanni Pontiero|Giovanni Pontiero]] (1993), p. 341

* No sooner had Jesus knocked over the dragon of superstition than [[Paul of Tarsus|Paul]] boldly set it on its legs again in the name of Jesus.
** [[George Bernard Shaw]], ''Androcles and the Lion'' (1913)

* '''In the most deeply significant of the legends concerning Jesus, we are told how the [[devil]] took him up into a high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the [[world]] in a moment of [[time]]'''; and the devil said unto him: &quot;All this [[power]] will I give unto thee, and the [[glory]] of them, for that is delivered unto me, and to whomsoever I will, I give it. If thou, therefore, wilt worship me, all shall be thine.&quot; '''Jesus, as we know, answered and said &quot;Get thee behind me, [[Satan]]!&quot; And he really meant it; he would have nothing to do with worldly glory, with &quot;temporal power;&quot; he chose the career of a revolutionary agitator, and died the [[death]] of a disturber of the [[peace]].''' And for two or three centuries his church followed in his footsteps, cherishing his proletarian gospel. The early Christians had &quot;all things in common, except women;&quot; they lived as social outcasts, hiding in deserted catacombs, and being thrown to lions and boiled in oil. &lt;br /&gt; But the devil is a subtle worm; he does not give up at one defeat, for he knows human nature, and the strength of the forces which battle for him. '''He failed to get Jesus, but he came again, to get Jesus' church.''' He came when, through the power of the new revolutionary idea, the Church had won a position of tremendous power in the decaying Roman Empire; and the subtle worm assumed the guise of no less a person than [[Constantine the Great|the Emperor himself]], suggesting that he should become a convert to the new faith, so that the Church and he might work together for the greater glory of God. '''The bishops and fathers of the Church, ambitious for their organization, fell for this scheme, and Satan went off laughing to himself. He had got everything he had asked from Jesus three hundred years before; he had got the world's greatest religion.'''
** [[Upton Sinclair]], in ''The Profits of Religion : An Essay in Economic Interpretation'' (1918), Book Seven : The Church of the Social Revolution, &quot;Christ and Caesar&quot;

* At its beginnings there was very powerful meditation on the presence of Christ in the oppressed [[w:Indigenous peoples of the Americas|Indians]], which objectively pointed toward a [[w:Christology|christology]] of the &quot;[[w:body of Christ|body of Christ]].&quot; [[w:Felipe Guaman Poma de Ayala|Guamán Poma]], for example, said, &quot;By faith we know clearly that where there is a poor person there is Jesus Christ himself,&quot; and [[Bartolomé de las Casas]] declared, &quot;In the Indies I leave Jesus Christ, our God, being whipped and afflicted, and buffeted and crucified, not once but thousands of times, as often as the Spaniards assault and destroy those people.&quot; But this original [[w:Christology|christological]] insight did not thrive, and what became the tradition was a christology based on the dogmatic formulas, in which&amp;mdash;however well they were known and understood&amp;mdash;what was stressed was the [[w:Hypostatic union|divinity of Christ]] rather than his real and lived humanity.
** [[Jon Sobrino]], ''Jesus the Liberator'' (1991), p. 11

* The sublime title &quot;[[wikt:Χριστός|Christ]]&quot; is an adjective which only receives its specific value from the specificity of the noun, [[w:Jesus of Nazareth|Jesus of Nazareth]]. If Jesus is forgotten, then it becomes possible to fill the adjective with whatever suits at the time, without checking whether Jesus was like that or not, or whether this means leaving the world sunk in its wretchedness or not; or worse still, without asking if this image legitimates the tragedy of the world or brings liberation from it.
** [[Jon Sobrino]], ''Jesus the Liberator'' (1991), p. 15

* '''Christ did not ask or want to be what he was not.'''
** [[Dejan Stojanovic]], in ''The Sun Watches the Sun'' (1999) “Christ” (Sequence: “Is It Possible to Write a Poem”)

* Burning the witch [[Giordano Bruno]] is one more wound inflicted on [[w:Christ|Christ]]’s body.
** [[Dejan Stojanovic]], in ''The Sun Watches the Sun'' (1999) “Christ” (Sequence: “Is It Possible to Write a Poem”)

* The two main Pillars of our Civilization,&lt;br /&gt;Jesus and [[Shakespeare]] said:&lt;br /&gt;&quot;Nothing shall be impossible to Humans&quot; (Jesus)&lt;br /&gt;&quot;Impossibility is only seemingly impossible&quot; (Shak.)
** B. B. Stoller, ''[[Biologizing the Universe]]'' (1983)

* Few subsequent gurus seem to have matched the simplicity and directness of Jesus′s message; but it must be remembered that we have very little information. If the world had possessed a detailed biographical account of Jesus, an authentic picture of what he was like as a man, it is quite possible that Christianity would not have been estabished as a world religion.
** [[Anthony Storr]], ''Feet of Clay; Saints, Sinners, and Madmen: A Study of Gurus'' (New York: Free Press Paperbacks, 1997), p. 147

* Where is my faith? Even deep down … there is nothing but emptiness and darkness … If there be God—please forgive me. When I try to raise my thoughts to Heaven, there is such convicting emptiness that those very thoughts return like sharp knives and hurt my very soul … How painful is this unknown pain—I have no Faith. Repulsed, empty, no faith, no love, no zeal, … What do I labor for? If there be no God, there can be no soul. If there be no soul then, Jesus, You also are not true.
** [[Mother Teresa]], ''Letters''. {{cite book | title = Mother Teresa: Come Be My Light | last = Teresa | first = Mother | last2 = Kolodiejchuk | first2 = Brian | year = 2007 | publisher = Doubleday | location = New York | isbn = 0385520379 | url = http://books.google.com/books?id=EVaPAgAACAAJ&amp;dq=Mother+Teresa:+Come+Be+My+Light }}

* '''This doctrine of the [[w:Kingdom of Heaven|Kingdom of Heaven]], which was the main teaching of [[Jesus]], and which plays so small a part in the [[Christian]] creeds, is certainly one of the most revolutionary doctrines that ever stirred and changed [[human]] [[thought]].''' It is small [[wonder]] if, the [[world]] of that time failed to grasp its full significance, and recoiled in dismay from even a half apprehension of its tremendous [[challenges]] to the established [[habits]] and institutions of [[mankind]]. It is small wonder if the hesitating convert and disciple presently went back to the old familiar ideas of temple and altar, of fierce deity and propitiatory observance, of consecrated priest and magic blessing, and these things being attended to reverted then to the dear old habitual life of hates and profits and competition and pride. '''For the doctrine of the Kingdom of Heaven, as Jesus seems to have preached it, was no less than a bold and uncompromising demand for a complete change and cleansing of the life of our struggling race, an utter cleansing, without and within.'''
** [[H. G. Wells]], in ''[[w:The Outline of History|The Outline of History : Being a Plain History of Life and Mankind]]'' (1920), &quot;The Teachings of Jesus of Nazareth&quot;

* You cannot claim to worship Jesus in the tabernacle if you do not pity Jesus in the slum.
** [[Frank Weston]], Address to the Second Anglo-Catholic Congress (1923), in ''Radical Christian Writings: A Reader'' (2002), p. 200

* A dichotomy between the religious and the social must be imported into the &amp;#91;[[New Testament]]&amp;#93;; it cannot be found there. The &quot;cross&quot; of Jesus was a political punishment; and when Christians are made to suffer by government it is usually because because of the practical import of their faith, and the doubt they cast upon the rulers' claim to be &quot;Benefactor.&quot;
** [[John Howard Yoder]], ''The Politics of Jesus'' (1972), p. 125

* Reward for information leading to the apprehension of — &lt;br /&gt; '''Jesus [[Christ|Christ]] &lt;br /&gt; Wanted — For Sedition, [[w:Christian anarchism|Criminal Anarchy]] — Vagrancy, and Conspiring to Overthrow the Established Government.''' &lt;br /&gt; Dresses poorly, said to be a carpenter by trade, ill-nourished, has visionary ideas, associates with common working people, the unemployed and bums. Alien — believed to be a Jew. Alias: &quot;Prince of Peace. Son of Man.&quot; &quot;Light of the world&quot; &amp;c. &amp;c. Professional Agitator, Red beard, marks on hands and feet the result of injuries inflicted by an angry mob led by respectable citizens and legal authorities.
** [[w:Art Young|Art Young]], Jesus Christ &quot;wanted-poster&quot; political cartoon in ''[[w:The Masses|The Masses]]'' (1 November 1917)

* The world of Jesus is the world of sunlight by comparison with that of all the sages and philosophers and the schoolmen of any country. Like the Jungfrau which stands above the glaciers in the world of snow and seems to touch heaven itself, Jesus' teachings have that immediacy and clarity and simplicity which puts to shame all other efforts of men's minds to know God or to inquire after God.
** [[Lin Yutang]], ''From Pagan to Christian'' (1959), p. 223

* At the time of the Crucifixion the dogwood had been the size of the oak and other forest trees. So firm and strong was the tree that it was chosen as the timber for the cross. To be used thus for such a cruel purpose greatly distressed the tree, and Jesus, nailed upon it, sensed this, and, in His gentle pity for all sorrow and suffering, said to it: &quot;Because of your regret and pity for My suffering, never again shall the dogwood tree grow large enough to be used as a cross. &lt;br /&gt; &quot;Henceforth it shall be slender and bent and twisted and its blossoms shall be in the form of a cross—two long and two short petals. And in the center of each petal there will be nail prints, brown with rust and stained with red, and in the center of the flower will be a crown of thorns, and all who see it will remember&quot;.
** Author unknown, &quot;Legend of the Dogwood&quot;; reported in Maxwell Droke, ''The Speaker's Special Occasion Book'' (1954), p. 159–60

====''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations''====
:&lt;small&gt;Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 114–115.&lt;/small&gt;

* There is a green hill far away, &lt;br /&gt; Without a city wall, &lt;br /&gt; Where the dear Lord was crucified &lt;br /&gt; Who died to save us all.
** [[Cecil Frances Alexander]], ''There is a Green Hill''

*Fundamentally, our Lord's message was Himself. He did not come merely to preach a Gospel; He himself is that Gospel. He did not come merely to give bread; He said, &quot;I am the bread&quot;. He did not come merely to shed light; He said, &quot;I am the light&quot;. He did not come merely to show the door; He said, &quot;I am the door&quot;. He did not come merely to name a shepherd; He said, &quot;I am the shepherd&quot;. He did not come merely to point the way; He said, &quot;I am the way, the truth, and the life&quot;.
** [[J. Sidlow Baxter]], ''Baxter's Explore the Book'' (1987) p. 308.

* Hail, O bleeding Head and wounded, &lt;br /&gt; With a crown of thorns surrounded, &lt;br /&gt; Buffeted, and bruised and battered, &lt;br /&gt; Smote with reed by striking shattered, &lt;br /&gt; Face with spittle vilely smeared! &lt;br /&gt; Hail, whose visage sweet and comely, &lt;br /&gt; Marred by fouling stains and homely, &lt;br /&gt; Changed as to its blooming color, &lt;br /&gt; All now turned to deathly pallor, &lt;br /&gt; Making heavenly hosts affeared!
** [[St. Bernard of Clairvaux]], ''Passion Hymn'', 'Braham Coles' translation

* In every pang that rends the heart &lt;br /&gt; The Man of Sorrows had a part.
** [[Michael Bruce]], ''Gospel Sonnets'', ''Christ Ascended''. Attributed to John Logan, who issued the poems with emendations of his own. &quot;Every pang that rends the heart.&quot; See also [[Oliver Goldsmith]], ''The Captivity''

* Lovely was the death &lt;br /&gt; Of Him whose life was Love! Holy with power, &lt;br /&gt; He on the thought-benighted Skeptic beamed &lt;br /&gt; Manifest Godhead.
** [[Samuel Taylor Coleridge]], ''Religious Musings'', line 29

* A pagan heart, a Christian soul had he. &lt;br /&gt; He followed Christ, yet for dead Pan he sighed, &lt;br /&gt; As if Theocritus in Sicily &lt;br /&gt; Had come upon the Figure crucified, &lt;br /&gt; And lost his gods in deep, Christ-given rest.
** [[Maurice Francis Egan]], ''Maurice de Gurin''

* Fra Lippo, we have learned from thee &lt;br /&gt; A lesson of humanity: &lt;br /&gt; To every mother's heart forlorn, &lt;br /&gt; In every house the Christ is born.
** [[R. W. Gilder]], ''A Madonna of Fra Lippo Lippi''

* In darkness there is no choice. It is light that enables us to see the differences between things; and it is Christ that gives us light.
** J. C. and A. W. Hare, ''Guesses at Truth''

* Who did leave His Father's throne, &lt;br /&gt; To assume thy flesh and bone? &lt;br /&gt; Had He life, or had He none? &lt;br /&gt; If he had not liv'd for thee, &lt;br /&gt; Thou hadst died most wretchedly &lt;br /&gt; And two deaths had been thy fee.
** [[George Herbert]], ''The Church'', ''Business''

* ''Vicisti, Galliloæ.''
** Thou hast conquered, O Galilæan.
** Attributed to [[Julian the Apostate]]. [[Montaigne]], ''Essays'', Book II, Chapter XIX. Claim dismissed by German and French scholars. Emperor Justinian at the dedication of the Cathedral of St. Sophia, built on the plan of the Temple of Jerusalem, said: &quot;I have vanquished thee, O Solomon&quot;

* All His glory and beauty come from within, and there He delights to dwell, His visits there are frequent, His conversation sweet, His comforts refreshing; and His peace passing all understanding.
** [[Thomas à Kempis]], ''Imitation of Christ'', Book II, Chapter I. Dibdin's translation

* Into the woods, my Master went, &lt;br /&gt; Clean forspent, forspent. &lt;br /&gt; Into the woods my Master came, &lt;br /&gt; Forspent with love and shame. &lt;br /&gt; But the olives they were not blind to Him, &lt;br /&gt; The little gray leaves were kind to Him: &lt;br /&gt; The thorn-tree had a mind to Him, &lt;br /&gt; When into the woods He came.
** [[Sidney Lanier]], ''A Ballad of Trees and the Master''

* God never gave man a thing to do concerning which it were irreverent to ponder how the Son of God would have done it.
** [[George MacDonald]], ''The Marquis of Lossie'', Volume II, Chapter XVII

* The foxes have holes, and the birds of the air have nests; but the Son of Man hath not where to lay his head.
** Matthew, VIII. 20

* For man he seems &lt;br /&gt; In all his lineaments, though in his face &lt;br /&gt; The glimpses of his Fathers glory shine.
** [[John Milton]], ''Paradise Regain'd'' (originally published in 1671), lines 91–93; in ''The Works of John Milton'' (1931), vol. 2, part 2, p. 408. Satan is speaking of Christ.

* The Pilot of the Galilean Lake.
** [[John Milton]], ''Lycidas'', line 109

* Near, so very near to God, &lt;br /&gt; Nearer I cannot be; &lt;br /&gt; For in the person of his Son &lt;br /&gt; I am as near as he.
** [[Catesby Paget]], ''Hymn''

* But chiefly Thou, &lt;br /&gt; Whom soft-eyed Pity once led down from Heaven &lt;br /&gt; To bleed for man, to teach him how to live, &lt;br /&gt; And, oh! still harder lesson! how to die.
** [[Beilby Porteus]], ''Death'', line 316

* The sublime title &quot;[[wikt:Χριστός|Christ]]&quot; is an adjective which only receives its specific value from the specificity of the noun, [[w:Jesus of Nazareth|Jesus of Nazareth]]. If Jesus is forgotten, then it becomes possible to fill the adjective with whatever suits at the time, without checking whether Jesus was like that or not, or whether this means leaving the world sunk in its wretchedness or not; or worse still, without asking if this image legitimates the tragedy of the world or brings liberation from it.
** [[Jon Sobrino]], ''Jesus the Liberator'' (1991), p. 15

* Thou hast conquered, O pale Galilean; &lt;br /&gt; The world has grown gray from thy breath; &lt;br /&gt; We have drunken from things Lethean, &lt;br /&gt; And fed on the fullness of death.
** [[Algernon Charles Swinburne]], ''Hymn to Proserpine''

* And so the Word had breath, and wrought &lt;br /&gt; With human hands the creed of creeds &lt;br /&gt; In loveliness of perfect deeds, &lt;br /&gt; More strong than all poetic thoughts; &lt;br /&gt; Which he may read that binds the sheaf, &lt;br /&gt; Or builds the house, or digs the grave, &lt;br /&gt; And those wild eyes that watch the waves &lt;br /&gt; In roarings round the coral reef.
** [[Alfred Tennyson]], ''[[In Memoriam A.H.H.]]'' (1849), XXXVI

* His love at once and dread instruct our thought; &lt;br /&gt; As man He suffer'd and as God He taught.
** [[Edmund Waller]], ''Of Divine Love'', Canto III, line 41

* Even to atheists he is the supremely good man, the exemplar and moral authority with whom no one may disagree.
** [[Alan Watts]], ''Beyond Theology: The Art of Godmanship'' (1964)

* Whosoever on the night of the nativity of the young Lord Jesus, in the great snows, shall fare forth bearing a succulent bone for the lost and lamenting hounds, a wisp of hay for the shivering horse, a cloak of warm raiment for the stranded wayfarer, a bundle of fagots for the twittering crone, a flagon of red wine for him whose marrow withers, a garland of bright red berries for one who has worn chains, a dish of crumbs with a song of love for all huddled birds who thought that song was dead, and divers lush sweetmeats for such babes' faces as peer from lonely windows, to him shall be proffered and returned gifts of such an astonishment as will rival the hues of the peacock and the harmonies of heaven, so that though he live to the great age when man goes stooping and querulous because of the nothing that is left of him, yet shall he walk upright and remembering, as one whose heart shines like a great star in his breast.
** Author unknown; reported in ''Respectfully Quoted: A Dictionary of Quotations'' (1989)

===The Twenty-First Century===
[[File:Caravaggio 001.jpg|thumb|God in Christ is a different kind of lord who is not in solidarity with the powerful but in solidarity with the lowly. ~ [[Joerg Rieger]]]]
[[File:ChristandThorns.jpg|thumb|Jesus...is the final priest who makes all priesthood obsolete&amp;mdash;not merely the performance of ritual sacrifice, but the office, pomp and circumstance of priestly authority and hierarchy itself. ~ Ronald E. Osborn]]

* Jesus is a remarkable person... He was on his way to becoming [[w:Christ|Christ]], and he made it.
** [[Ray Bradbury]], as quoted in [http://articles.cnn.com/2010-08-02/living/Bradbury_1_ray-bradbury-dandelion-wine-sam-weller?_s=PM:LIVING Sci-fi legend &quot;Ray Bradbury on God, 'monsters and angels'&quot; by John Blake, ''CNN : Living'' (2 August 2010)]

* [[Arius]] began to say things like this in his sermons and writings: &quot;If God and Christ were equal then Christ should be called God’s brother, not God’s Son.&quot; People puzzled about that. They were hearing now something different from this presbyter than they were hearing from the bishop. And Arius also created the very famous saying, &quot;There was a time when He was not.&quot; &quot;There was a time when the Son did not exist.&quot; So in his view, Christ became what we could call a third thing. He is neither God nor is He man, but something in between. There is God and there is the Son and there is the rest of creation. So rather than having two things you have a ''tertium quid'', a third thing — neither god nor man.
** David Calhoun, in ''Ancient &amp; Medieval Church History'' (2006), Lesson 12 &lt;!-- Dead link: http://worldwidefreeresources.com/upload/CH310_T_12.pdf --&gt;

* It's often said of Jesus that he could have saved himself, but he chose not to. And if you read the Gospels it's clear that he could have talked himself out of that crucifixion quite easily, but he was just too stubborn. The Romans didn't really want to kill him at all, but in the end they went along with it because he was being such a prick about it. The truth is he couldn't wait to get up on that cross. In fact, I think Christianity only exists because Jesus Christ just happened to be a masochist. I think he took one look at the hammer and nails and he couldn't believe his luck. He thought, &quot;Well, in three days I'll be in Heaven, but until then I'm going to enjoy myself.&quot;
** [[Pat Condell]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RCPwdfQyxe4 ''Happy Easter''] ([[April 5]], 2007; from [[w:YouTube|YouTube]])

* I've heard it suggested from some people that Christians are so irrationally obsessed with [homosexuality] because deep down they're terrified that Jesus himself might have been gay. There's no real evidence for it, but then there's no real evidence for anything to do with religion. So yeah, I'll buy it. Well, keep an open mind, that's what I always say. … If we take the actual Gospels as gospel then what we've got is a man in his thirties, unmarried in a culture where it's almost unheard of for a man of thirty to be unmarried. Plus, come on, you can't ignore the twelve boyfriends, especially when there's a missing passage from the Gospel of Mark that actually describes Jesus spending a night with a naked youth. We're told that the youth came to Jesus wearing a linen cloth over his naked body, and stayed with him that night, 'for Jesus taught him the mystery of the kingdom of God.' I bet he did. Along with one or two other little mysteries while he was at it. Well, why not? He was only human. The apostle John repeatedly refers to himself as the one who Jesus specially loved. I don't know whether he meant it &quot;in the Greek manner&quot;, so to speak, but what would it matter if he did? This is the point. If Jesus was gay, would it negate the teachings and the parables? Would the Sermon on the Mount lose its authority if preached by the queen of queens rather than the king of kings? And if somebody could prove historically, beyond all doubt, that Jesus was in fact homosexual, would Christians then reject Jesus, or would they reject the evidence as usual? Your guess is as good as mine. From what I've read in the Gospels, I think Jesus was a pretty common sense sort of person, and I don't think he would have had a problem with anybody being who they are. I do think, though, that he had a problem with people who pretend to be one thing while being another.
** [[Pat Condell]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ReYfDlIa-Z8 ''Was Jesus gay?''] ([[November 2]], 2007; from [[w:YouTube|YouTube]])

*Jesus of Nazareth (4.0) 6 1 1 2 1 (His point in evolution &amp; rays)  
**[[Benjamin Creme]] in The List of [[Initiation (theosophy)|Initiates]], Their rays and stage of evolution, as published in ''Maitreya’s Mission Volumes One, Two and Three'', as well as those published in ''Share International'' between April 1997 and August 2014.

* Of course Jesus was a theist, but that is the least interesting thing about him. He was a theist because, in his time, everybody was. Atheism was not an option, even for so radical a thinker as Jesus. What was interesting and remarkable about Jesus was not the obvious fact that he believed in the God of his Jewish religion, but that he rebelled against many aspects of Yahweh's vengeful nastiness. At least in the teachings that are attributed to him, he publicly advocated niceness and was one of the first to do so. To those steeped in the Sharia-like cruelties of Leviticus and Deuteronomy; to those brought up to fear the vindictive, Ayatollah-like God of Abraham and Isaac, a charismatic young preacher who advocated generous forgiveness must have seemed radical to the point of subversion. No wonder they nailed him.
** [[Richard Dawkins]], essay ''[http://old.richarddawkins.net/articles/20-atheists-for-jesus Atheists for Jesus]'' (April 2006)

[[File:Juan de Juanes 002.jpg|thumb|Jesus Christ—who, as it turns out, was born of a virgin, cheated death, and rose bodily into the heavens—can now be eaten in the form of a cracker.~ [[Sam Harris]]]]

* “Gentle Jesus, meek and mild.
** [[Richard Dawkins]] as quoted by [[w:Alister McGrath|Alister McGrath]], &quot;''The Dawkins Delusion: Atheist Fundamentalism and the Denial of the Divine''&quot; (2011)

* In 1939, in a stadium much like this, in Munich Germany, they packed it out with young men and women in brown shirts, for a fanatical man standing behind a podium named Adolf Hitler, the personification of evil. And in that stadium, those in brown shirts formed with their bodies a sign that said, in the whole stadium, &quot;Hitler, we are yours.&quot; And they nearly took the world. Lenin once said, &quot;give me 100 committed, totally committed men and I'll change the world.&quot; And, he nearly did. A few years ago, they took the sayings of Chairman Mao, in China, put them in a little red book, and a group of young people committed them to memory and put it in their minds and they took that nation, the largest nation in the world by storm because they committed to memory the sayings of the Chairman Mao. When I hear those kinds of stories, I think 'what would happen if American Christians, if world Christians, if just the Christians in this stadium, followers of Christ, would say 'Jesus, we are yours'? What kind of spiritual awakening would we have?
** Pastor [[Rick Warren]] (17 April [[2005]]) speech at the Anaheim Angels sports stadium, [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bruce-wilson/follow-jesus-like-nazis-f_b_158295.html transcript and video]

* Jesus Christ—who, as it turns out, was born of a virgin, cheated death, and rose bodily into the heavens—can now be eaten in the form of a cracker.
** [[Sam Harris]], ''The End of Faith'' (2004), p. 73

* If you wake up tomorrow morning thinking that saying a few Latin words over your pancakes is going to turn them into the body of [[Elvis Presley]], you have lost your mind. But if you think more or less the same thing about a cracker and the body of Jesus, you're just a Catholic.
** [[Sam Harris]], [[w:Notre Dame University|Notre Dame]] [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ljXCHgPaZO4 debate] with William Lane Craig, 7&amp;nbsp;April 2011

* The god of Moses would call for other tribes, including his favorite one, to suffer massacre and plague and even extirpation, but when the grave closed over his victims he was essentially finished with them unless he remembered to curse their succeeding progeny. Not until the advent of the Prince of Peace do we hear of the ghastly idea of further punishing and torturing the dead.
** [[w:Christopher Hitchens|Christopher Hitchens]], ''[[God is Not Great|God is not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything]]'', pp.&amp;nbsp;175–176 (2007)}

* [Christ of Revelation] comes forth as one who no longer seeks either friendship or love … His garments are dipped in blood, the blood of others. He descends that he may shed the blood of men.
** Isaac Haldemann, quoted by [[w:Karen Armstrong|Karen Armstrong]] (2007) in ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=abDXgrePDLUC&amp;pg=PA209&amp;dq=isaac+haldemann&amp;sig=-BYPkXqdcqeeRhAMQx3PhTQw4Nc The Bible: A Biography]'', p. 209

* [[Jesus]] is great — is there a better role model? No. It's religion, it's the people who get in between — the bureaucracy, you know. … It's the way people abuse Jesus. Was there ever a greater victim of name dropping?
** [[Bill Maher]], ''Be More Cynical'' (2000) - [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h4WMBzived0 YouTube clip &quot;Bill Maher on Jesus&quot;]
** Variants: '''I love Jesus. I just don’t like the Christians who don’t believe in what he says.'''
*** [http://www.billmaher.com/?page_id=145 ''Realtime'' (7 October 2005)]
**''' Jesus, as a philosopher is wonderful. There's no greater role model, in my view, than Jesus Christ.''' It's just a shame that most of the people who follow him and call themselves Christians act nothing like him.
*** Interviewed on ''The O'Reilly Factor'' (26 September 2006) - [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2555oNAMcfA YouTube clip &quot;Fox's O'Reilly: Bill Maher Looks Bigoted Not John Rocker?&quot;]

* '''Jesus ... is the final priest who makes all priesthood obsolete — not merely the performance of ritual sacrifice, but the office, pomp and circumstance of priestly authority and hierarchy itself.''' Instead of deferring to any caste of religious hierarchs, followers of the Way are thus now summoned to collectively ''be'' a &quot;royal priesthood,&quot; a &quot;chosen race&quot; or &quot;holy nation&quot; built not upon offices of any kind but upon transferred allegiance to God's in-breaking &quot;kingdom.&quot;
** Ronald E. Osborn, ''Anarchy and Apocalypse : Essays on Faith, Violence, and Theodicy'' (2010), pp.35–36

* Although Christ commits many acts that might be considered revolutionary […] He is nonetheless explicitly portrayed in the Gospels as the master of [[tradition]].
** [[Jordan Peterson]], ''[[Beyond Order]]'' (2021), p. 197

* God in Christ is a different kind of lord who is not in solidarity with the powerful but in solidarity with the lowly. ... This position&amp;mdash;at the heart of the new world proclaimed by [[Paul of Tarsus|Paul]]&amp;mdash;directly contradicts the logic of the Roman Empire.
** [[Joerg Rieger]], ''Christ and Empire'' (2007), p. 52

* I wear this Saint Christopher medal sometimes because — I'm Jewish — but my boyfriend is Catholic. It was cute, the way he gave it to me. He said if it doesn't burn through my skin, it will protect me. Who cares? Different religions. &lt;br /&gt; The only time it's an issue, I suppose, would be like if you're having a baby and you've got to figure out how you want to raise it. Which still wouldn't be an issue for us, because we'd be … honest, and just say, you know, like, &quot;Mommy is one of the chosen people … and daddy believes that Jesus is ''[[magic]]''!&quot;
** [[Sarah Silverman]] in ''[[w:Sarah Silverman: Jesus Is Magic|Jesus Is Magic]]'' (2005)

* I don't believe in Jesus or [[God]]. But I do believe that fundamentalists in religion or anything else are bad, and that they have more hate than love. Jesus' words have become so perverted over time — it's been like a [[w:Chinese whispers|game of telephone]]. If he existed, Jesus would fuckin' kill himself.
** [[Sarah Silverman]], in an interview with boyfriend [[Jimmy Kimmel]] for ''Esquire'' magazine (January 2007)

* Jesus is said to have said on the cross, &quot;My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?&quot; Because Jesus was insane and the God he thought would rescue him did not exist. And he died on that cross like a fool. He fancied himself the son of God and he could barely convince twelve men to follow him at a time when the world was full of superstition.
** [[w:Cenk Uygur|Cenk Uygur]], [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/cenk-uygur/if-youre-a-christian-musl_b_9349.html &quot;If You're a Christian, Muslim or Jew - You are Wrong&quot;, ''The Huffington Post'' (25 May 2011)]

* &quot;It {{anchor|WenhamJW2005}}now seems to me that these resurrection stories exhibit in a remarkable way the well-known characteristics of accurate and independent reporting, for superficially they show great disharmony, but on close examination the details gradually fall into place.&quot; (Wenham 2005 p11.)
**&quot;I first became interested in the subject in 1945 when living in Jerusalem....&quot; (Wenham 2005 p10.) [John Wenham also wrote &quot;The Elements of New Testament Greek&quot; (Cambridge: Cambridge University Press, 1965, 1991).]
**&quot;None of them [the gospel writers and Paul] attempts to tell the whole story; all would echo John's closing words: &quot;There are also many other things which Jesus did; were every one of them to be written, I suppose that the world itself could not contain the books that would be written.&quot;&quot; (Wenham 2005 p43.)
**&quot;Bethany was nearly two miles from the city....&quot; (Wenham 2005 p45.)
**&quot;… the Paschal full moon.&quot; (Wenham 2005 p49.)
**&quot;...it could have been undeniably dark on the women's departure and undeniably light on their arrival, particularly if their starting-point were Bethany.... the words &quot;went&quot; in Matthew, Mark and Luke [RSV] translate the same verb as the &quot;came&quot; in John.... If John is thinking of Mary Magdalene setting off from Bethany, the translation &quot;went to the tomb early, while it was still dark&quot; would be precisely accurate.&quot; (Wenham 2005 pp81f re John 20:1.)
**&quot;Mary's words '&lt;i&gt;we&lt;/i&gt; do not know where they have laid him' clearly imply the presence of other women.&quot; (Wenham 2005 p91, emphasis Wenham's, re John 20:2.)
**&quot;… an angel, depicted as all biblical angels are, not as a winged creature, but as a man. The two-winged cherubim and six-winged seraphim are scarcely angels.&quot; (Wenham 2005 p85.)
**&quot;If witnesses, who had been in the tomb at the same time, had been asked independently, &quot;Precisely how many men did you see?&quot; and had given different answers, that would have shown one or other to be unreliable. But these witnesses are not answering the question &quot;How many?&quot;, they are giving (as all descriptions must be) incomplete descriptions of a complex event.&quot; (Wenham 2005 p87.)
**&quot;John.... saw, not disorder left by grave-robbers, but the visible tokens of his master set free from the bonds of death.&quot; (Wenham 2005 p93 re John 20:8 &quot;saw, and believed&quot;.)
**&quot;As the two appearances [of the Saviour] are distinct, that to Mary Magdalene must be put first (as Mark 16:9 says) and the second must be put at a sufficient interval after the women's flight from the tomb to allow for all the comings and goings recorded by John.... this [second] meeting [Matthew 28:9,10 &quot;Jesus met them&quot;] somewhere on the track between Jerusalem and Bethany....&quot; (Wenham 2005 p95f.)
*** [[w:John Wenham|John W Wenham,]] (1984, 1992, 2005), &quot;Easter Enigma – Are the Resurrection Accounts in Conflict?&quot; Milton Keynes, England: Paternoster. Eugene, Oregon: Wipf &amp; Stock. Chapters 7–11

* There's a lot of need for Jesus, so there is a lot of Jesus.
** the Nordic god [[w:Wuotan|Wuotan]] in the speculative fiction television series ''[[American Gods (TV series)|American Gods]]'' (first season, 2017)

==See also==
* [[Ageless Wisdom teachings]]
* [[Bible]]
* [[Christ]]
* [[Christianity]]
* [[Christian anarchism]]
* [[Gospel of John]]
* [[Gospel of Luke]]
* [[Gospel of Mark]]
* [[Gospel of Matthew]]
* [[Gospel of Thomas]]
* [[Masters of Wisdom]]
* [[New Testament]]
* [[Prophecies]]
* [[Race and appearance of Jesus]]
* [[Second Coming]]

==External links==
{{Wikipedia}}{{Wiktionary}}{{commonscat|Jesus Christ}}{{wikisource author|Jesus of Nazareth}}
*{{nndb name|774/000027693}}

A Brief List of further sources of the statements of Jesus, and information on various Christian Scriptures and Doctrines.

'''Canonical Scripture:'''
* [http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/cgi-bin/search/t9.cgi?entry=10a&amp;full=yes&amp;ftpsite= Gutenberg eText of the ''King James Version'' of the ''Holy Bible''] recognized as one of the most beautiful but not necessarily perfect translations by most Protestant denominations; it is the most quoted translation by English-speaking people, Christian and non-Christian.
* [http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/cgi-bin/search/t9.cgi?entry=124&amp;full=yes&amp;ftpsite= Gutenberg eText of &quot;Old Testament&quot; Apocrypha]
* [http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/cgi-bin/search/t9.cgi?entry=1581&amp;full=yes&amp;ftpsite= Gutenberg eText of a &quot;Douay-Rheims&quot; version of the ''Holy Bible''] such as is recommended by Roman Catholic authorities.
* [http://www.usccb.org/nab/bible New American Bible]

'''Gospel of Thomas:'''
* [http://www.gnostic.org/gospel_thomas/compare_gosp_thom7.htm 5 translations of the Coptic text presented in parallel format, + 3 from the Greek]
*[http://www.gospelthomas.com/cgi-bin/grondin?saying=1 SPLIT SCREEN Versions of ''The Gospel of Thomas''] This is one of the most informative presentations available, for those whose browsers will permit its use.
* [http://www.sacred-texts.com/chr/thomas.htm '''Gospel of Thomas'''] as translated by Lambdin from the Coptic texts; and Grenfell, Hunt, and Layton from the Greek fragments
*[http://www.earlychristianwritings.com/thomas/ '''Gospel of Thomas''' + Commentary]
*[http://web.archive.org/web/20081003185050/http://www.geocities.com/Athens/9068/ Coptic-English INTERLINEAL Gospel of Thomas]
* List of ''[http://www.earlychristianwritings.com/thomas.html Gospel of Thomas]'' versions Online

'''Other Christian and Spiritual Writings:'''
* [http://www.sacred-texts.com/chr/index.htm Christian Texts at Sacred-Texts.com]
* [http://www.sacred-texts.com/chr/ecf.htm Early Writings of Christian Leaders]
*[http://www.earlychristianwritings.com/onlinebooks.html Christian Writings]
*[http://www.ccel.org/ Christian Classics Ethereal Library]
*[http://www.sacred-texts.com/index.htm Sacred Texts of the World's Faiths]

[[Category:God]]
[[Category:1st century deaths]]
[[Category:People from Bethlehem]]
[[Category:People from Nazareth]]
[[Category:Islamic mythology]]
[[Category:Prophets]]
[[Category:Philosophers]]
[[Category:Founders of religions]]
[[Category:Self-declared messiahs]]
[[Category:Executed people]]
[[Category:Israeli Jews]]
[[Category:Palestinian Jews]]
[[Category:Mystics]]
[[Category:Occultists]]
[[Category:Spiritual teachers]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Dishonesty</title>
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      <text bytes="19798" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Frederick Douglass (circa 1879).jpg |thumb|Mankind are not held together by lies. Trust is the foundation of society. Where there is no truth, there can be no trust, and where there is no trust, there can be no society. Where there is society, there is trust, and where there is trust, there is something upon which it is supported. ~ [[Frederick Douglass]]]]
'''[[w:Dishonesty|Dishonesty]]''' a lack of honesty or integrity. Accusing a person of dishonesty implies a general tendency be deceptive rather than sincere.
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{{TOCalpha|''[[#Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations|Hoyt's&amp;nbsp;New&amp;nbsp;Cyclopedia&amp;nbsp;Of&amp;nbsp;Practical&amp;nbsp;Quotations]]'' · ''[[#Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers (1895)|Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers]]''}}

==A==
* You have to start with the truth. The truth is the only way that we can get anywhere. Because any decision-making that is based upon lies or ignorance can't lead to a good conclusion.
**[[Julian Assange]],{{cite news|first= |last= |author= |title= Julian Assange, monk of the online age who thrives on intellectual battle |work= |publisher= [[w:The Guardian|The Guardian]] |pages= |page= |date=2010-08-01 |accessdate=2010-08-01 |url=http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2010/aug/01/julian-assange-wikileaks-afghanistan}}

== B==

* Fraud and prevarication are servile vices. They sometimes grow out of the necessities, always out of the habits, of slavish and degenerate spirits…. It is an erect countenance, it is a firm adherence to principle, it is a power of resisting false shame and frivolous fear, that assert our good faith and honor, and assure to us the confidence of mankind.
** [[Edmund Burke]], &quot;Letters on a Regicide Peace,&quot; letter 3, 1796–1797, ''The Works of the Right Honorable Edmund Burke'' (1899), vol. 5, p. 414

==C==
* Where this will end? In the Abyss, one may prophecy; whither all Delusions are, at all moments, travelling; where this Delusion has now arrived. For if there be a Faith, from of old, it is this, as we often repeat, that no Lie can live for ever. The very Truth has to change its vesture, from time to time; and be born again. But all Lies have sentence of death written down against them, and Heaven's Chancery itself; and, slowly or fast, advance incessantly towards their hour.
** [[Thomas Carlyle]], ''[http://bob.fooguru.org/content/carlyle/FrenchRevolution/french_revolution_title.html The French Revolution. A History]'' (1837), Part I, Book VI, chapter 3

* You know where you are with a complete liar, but when a chap mixes some truth with his yarns, you can't trust a word he says.
** [[w:Joyce Cary|Joyce Cary]], [[w:The Horse's Mouth|''The Horse's Mouth'']] (1944), p. 162.&lt;small&gt;{{ISBN|0-06-092021-1}}&lt;/small&gt;

==D==

* You will destroy those who speak lies. Jehovah detests violent and deceptive people.
**[[David]], Psalm 5:6

*Mankind are not held together by lies. Trust is the foundation of society. Where there is no truth, there can be no trust, and where there is no trust, there can be no society. Where there is society, there is trust, and where there is trust, there is something upon which it is supported.
**[[Frederick Douglass]], [http://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/document/our-composite-nationality/ &quot;Our Composite Nationality&quot;] (7 December 1869)&lt;!-- Boston, Massachusetts --&gt; 

==G==
* When we risk no contradiction,&lt;br&gt;It prompts the tongue to deal in fiction.
** [[John Gay]], ''Fables'' (1727), &quot;The Elephant and the Bookseller&quot;

* Don't lie, but don't tell the whole truth.
** [[Baltasar Gracián]], Maxim 181, ''The Art of Worldly Wisdom'' (1647)

==H==
* A lie will gallop halfway round the world before the truth has time to pull its breeches on.
** [[Cordell Hull]], ''Memoirs of Cordell Hull'' (1948), 1:220

==L==
* Deceit is this world's passport: who would dare,&lt;br&gt;However pure the breast, to lay it bare?
** [[Letitia Elizabeth Landon]], ''The Venetian Bracelet'' (1829), p.5

==M==

* In the majority of cases which are brought to me as a consulting psychologist for love and marital adjustment, there are self-deceptions to be uncovered as well as attempts to deceive other people. Beneath such love conflicts there is almost always a festering psychological core of dishonesty.
** [[William Moulton Marston]], Lie Detector Test, p. 119

* Do not deceive one another.
** [[Moses]], [[Leviticus]] 19:11

==P==
* Therefore, now that you have put away deceit, each one of you speak truth with his neighbor, because we are members belonging to one another.
**[[Apostle Paul]], [https://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/study-bible/books/ephesians/4/ Ephesians 4:25]

* Do not lie to one another. Strip off the old personality with its practices.
**[[Apostle Paul]], [https://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/study-bible/books/colossians/3/ Colossians 3:9]

*The art of living is the art of knowing how to believe lies. The fearful thing about it is that, not knowing what truth may be, we can still recognize lies.
**[[Cesare Pavese]], ''This Business of Living'', {{#dateformat:1938-01-08}}.

* So rid yourselves of all badness and deceit and hypocrisy and envy and all backbiting.
**[[Peter]], [https://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/study-bible/books/1-peter/2/ 1 Peter 2:1]

* The rulers wanted to fool people, since they saw that people have a kinship with what is truly good. They took the names of the good and assigned them to what is not good, to fool people with names and link the names to what is not good. So, as if they were doing people a favor, they took names from what is not good and transferred them to the good, in their own way of thinking. For they wished to take free people and enslave them forever. 
** [[The Gospel of Philip]], as translated by M. Meyer, in ''The Nag Hammadi Scriptures'' (2007), p. 163

*False words are not only evil in themselves, but they infect the soul with evil.
**[[Plato]], ''Phaedes'' 91

==R==
* ''Engin mieulx vault que force.''
** Machination is worth more than force.
** [[François Rabelais]], ''Pantagruel'' (1532), Chapter XXVII

* Repetition does not transform a lie into a truth.
** [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]], radio address (26 October 1939), as reported in ''The Baltimore Sun'' (27 October 1939)

==S==
* O, what a tangled web we weave,&lt;br&gt;When first we practice to deceive!
** [[Sir Walter Scott]], ''Marmion'' (1808), Canto VI, st. 17
:: But when we've practised quite a while&lt;br&gt;How vastly we improve our style!
::* J. R. Pope, ''A Word of Encouragement.'' Collected in ''The New Oxford Book of English Light Verse'' (1978)

* With an auspicious and a dropping eye,&lt;br&gt;With mirth in funeral, and with dirge in marriage,&lt;br&gt;In equal scale weighing delight and dole.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Hamlet]]'' (1600-02), Act I, scene 2, line 12

* They fool me to the top of my bent. I will come by and by.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Hamlet]]'' (1600-02), Act III, scene 2, line 401

* But when the fox hath once got in his nose,&lt;br&gt;He'll soon find means to make the body follow.
** [[William Shakespeare]], [[Henry VI, Part 3|''Henry VI'', Part III]] (c. 1591), Act IV, scene 7, line 25

* A quicksand of deceit.
** [[William Shakespeare]], [[Henry VI, Part 3|''Henry VI'', Part III]] (c. 1591), Act V, scene 4, line 26

* The instruments of darkness tell us truths,&lt;br&gt;Win us with honest trifles, to betray us&lt;br&gt;In deepest consequence.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Macbeth]]'' (1605), Act I, scene 3, line 124

* The world is still deceiv'd with ornament,&lt;br&gt;In law, what plea so tainted and corrupt,&lt;br&gt;But, being season'd with a gracious voice,&lt;br&gt;Obscures the show of evil? In religion,&lt;br&gt;What damned error, but some sober brow&lt;br&gt;Will bless it and approve it with a text,&lt;br&gt;Hiding the grossness with fair ornament?
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[The Merchant of Venice]]'' (late 1590s), Act III, scene 2, line 74

* Make the Moor thank me, love me and reward me,&lt;br&gt;For making him egregiously an ass.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Othello]]'' (c. 1603), Act II, scene 1, line 317

* Who makes the fairest show means most deceit.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Pericles, Prince of Tyre]]'' (c. 1607-08), Act I, scene 4, line 75

* Oh, that deceit should steal such gentle shapes,&lt;br&gt;And with a virtuous vizard hide foul guile.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Richard III (play)|Richard III]]'' (c. 1591), Act II, scene 2, line 27

* O, that deceit should dwell&lt;br&gt;In such a gorgeous palace!
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Romeo and Juliet]]'' (1597), Act III, scene 2, line 84

* Truthful lips will endure forever, but a lying tongue will last for only a moment.
** [[Solomon]], [https://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/study-bible/books/proverbs/12/ Proverbs 12:19]

* The righteous one hates lies, but the actions of the wicked bring shame and disgrace.
** [[Solomon]], [https://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/study-bible/books/proverbs/13/ Proverbs 13:5]

* Bread gained by deceit tastes good to a man, but afterward his mouth will be full of gravel.
** [[Solomon]], [https://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/study-bible/books/proverbs/20/ Proverbs 20:17]

* A lie is an abomination unto the Lord, and a very present help in trouble.
** [[Adlai Stevenson]], ''[https://libsysdigi.library.illinois.edu/OCA/Books2012-02/adlaisalmanacwit00stev/adlaisalmanacwit00stev.pdf Adlai's Almanac]'', p. 4 
* The dishonest man stole silver; the honest man will earn his pay.
** [[Sumerian proverb]], [http://etcsl.orinst.ox.ac.uk/proverbs/t.6.1.13.html Collection XIII] at {{w|The Electronic Text Corpus of Sumerian Literature}}, {{w|3rd millennium BC}}

* When dishonest men come to your banquet, they are troubled and try to hide it.
** [[Sumerian proverb]], [http://etcsl.orinst.ox.ac.uk/proverbs/t.6.1.13.html Collection XIII] at {{w|The Electronic Text Corpus of Sumerian Literature}}, {{w|3rd millennium BC}}

* I think the inherent right of the Government to lie to save itself when faced with nuclear disaster is basic.
** [[w:Arthur Sylvester|Arthur Sylvester]], speech at a meeting of the New York chapter of Sigma Delta Chi, New York City (December 6, 1962), as reported by ''The Washington Post'' (December 7, 1962), p. A–2

==T==
* A computer would deserve to be called [[intelligent]] if it could deceive a human into believing that it was human.
** [[Alan Turing]] ''Computing Machinery and Intelligence'' (1950) [http://www.theguardian.com/uk/the-northerner/2012/may/14/alan-turing-gary-kasparov-computer &quot;Alan Turing: &quot;I am building a brain.&quot; Half a century later, its successor beat Kasparov&quot;], S.Barry Cooper, ''The Guardian'' (14 May 2012)

* All warfare is based on deception.
** [[Sun Tzu]], ''Art of War''

==W==
* A lie has no legs, and cannot stand; but it has wings, and can fly far and wide.
** George and Eliot Warburton, ''Hochelaga; or, England in the New World: Volume 1'' (1846), p. 215. Identified by the author as a Chinese proverb, but not found earlier than this publication; variously misattributed to other authors, and altered to expressions such as: &quot;When Falsehood saw he had no legs to stand on, he made himself wings&quot; (UN Monthly Chronicle: Volume 6 (1969), credited as &quot;an old Jewish rabbinical saying&quot;).

* I never lie, even to this day. Not even a little. Unless you count playing pranks on people, which I don't.  That's comedy. Entertainment doesn't count. A joke is different from a lie, even if the difference is kind of subtle.
** [[Steve Wozniak]], ''[[w:iWoz|iWoz: Computer Geek to Cult Icon: How I Invented the Personal Computer, Co-Founded Apple, and Had Fun Doing It]]'' (2006)

==''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations''==
:&lt;small&gt;Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 182-83.&lt;/small&gt;
* God is not averse to deceit in a holy cause.
** [[Æschylus]], ''Frag. Incert'', II

* There is a cunning which we in England call the turning of the cat in the pan.
** [[Francis Bacon]], ''Essays'', ''Of Cunning

* Think'st thou there are no serpents in the world&lt;br&gt;But those who slide along the grassy sod,&lt;br&gt;And sting the luckless foot that presses them?&lt;br&gt;There are who in the path of social life&lt;br&gt;Do bask their spotted skins in Fortune's sun,&lt;br&gt;And sting the soul.
** [[Joanna Baillie]], ''De Montfort'', Act I, scene 2

* What song the Syrens sang, or what name Achilles assumed when he hid himself among women.
** Sir [[Thomas Browne]], ''Urn-Burial'', Chapter V

* If the world will be gulled, let it be gulled.
** [[Robert Burton]], ''The Anatomy of Melancholy'' (1621), Part III, Section IV, Memb. 1,  Subsect. 2

* ''Populus vult decipi; decipiatur.''
** The people wish to be deceived; let them be deceived.
** Cardinal Carafa, Legate of Paul IV., is said to have used this expression in reference to the devout Parisians. Origin in De Thou. I, XVII. See Jackson's ''Works'', Book III, Chapter XXXII. Note 9

* ''Improbi hominis est mendacio fallere.''
** It is the act of a bad man to deceive by falsehood.
** [[Cicero]], ''Oratio Pro Murena'', XXX

* A delusion, a mockery, and a snare.
** [[Lord Denman]], ''O'Connell vs. The Queen'', Clark and Finnelly Reports

* But Esau's hands suit ill with Jacob's voice.
** [[John Dryden]], ''Absalom and Achitopel'', Part I, line 982

* ''Man wird betrogen, man betrügt sich selbst.''
** We are never deceived; we deceive ourselves.
** [[Johann Wolfgang von Goethe]], ''Sprüche in Prosa'', III

* ''Non mancano pretesti quando si vuole.''
** Pretexts are not wanting when one wishes to use them.
** [[Carlo Goldoni]], ''La Villeggiatura'', I, 12

* Which I wish to remark—&lt;br&gt;  And my language is plain,—&lt;br&gt;That for ways that are dark&lt;br&gt;  And for tricks that are vain,&lt;br&gt;The heathen Chinee is peculiar.
** [[Bret Harte]], ''Plain Language from Truthful James'' (Heathen Chinee)

* The angel answer'd, &quot;Nay, sad soul; go higher!&lt;br&gt;To be deceived in your true heart's desire&lt;br&gt;Was bitterer than a thousand years of fire!&quot;
** [[John Hay]], ''A Woman's Love''

* Hateful to me as are the gates of hell,&lt;br&gt;Is he who, hiding one thing in his heart,&lt;br&gt;Utters another.
** [[Homer]], ''The Iliad'', Book IX, line 386, Bryant's translation

* ''Vous le croyez votre dupe: s'il feint de l'être, qui est plus dupe, de lui ou de vous?''
** You think him to be your dupe; if he feigns to be so who is the greater dupe, he or you?
** [[Jean de La Bruyère]], ''Les Caractères'', V

* ''On ne trompe point en bien; la fourberie ajoute la malice au mensonge.''
** We never deceive for a good purpose: knavery adds malice to falsehood.
** [[Jean de La Bruyère]], ''Les Caractères'', XI

* ''Car c'est double plaisir de tromper le trompeur.''
** It is double pleasure to deceive the deceiver.
** [[Jean de La Fontaine]], ''Fables'', II. 15

* ''Le bruit est pour le fat, la plainte pour le sot;&lt;br&gt;L'honnête homme trompé s'éloigne et ne dit mot.''
** The silly when deceived exclaim loudly; the fool complains; the honest man walks away and is silent.
** [[J. B. Sauvé de La Noue]], ''La Coquette Corrigée'', I, 3

* ''On pout être plus fin qu'un autre, mais non pas plus fin que tous les autres.''
** One may outwit another, but not all the others.
** [[François de La Rochefoucauld]], ''Maxim'', 394

* You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you cannot fool all of the people all the time.
** Attributed to [[Abraham Lincoln]] but denied by Spofford. [[P. T. Barnum]] is accepted as the author. Said to have been quoted by Lincoln in a speech at Clifton, Ill., Sept. 8, 1858. Found in Bassett's scrap-book, June, 1905, p. 134

* It is vain to find fault with those arts of deceiving, wherein men find pleasure to be deceived.
** [[John Locke]], ''Human Understanding'', Book III, Chapter X. 34

* Where the lion's skin falls short it must be eked out with the fox's.
** [[Lysander]]; remark upon being told that he resorted too much to craft. [[Plutarch]], ''Life of Lysander''

* He seemed&lt;br&gt;For dignity compos'd and high exploit:&lt;br&gt;But all was false and hollow.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book II, line 110

* ''On est aisément dupé par ce qu'on aime.''
** One is easily fooled by that which one loves.
** [[Molière]], ''Le Tartuffe'' (1664), IV. 3

* ''Impia sub dulci melle venena latent.''
** Deadly poisons are concealed under sweet honey.
** [[Ovid]], ''Amorum'' (16 BC), I. 8. 104

* ''Pia fraus.''
** A pious fraud.
** [[Ovid]], ''Metamorphoses'', IX, 711

* ''Furtum ingeniosus ad omne,&lt;br&gt;Qui facere assueret, patriæ non degener artis,&lt;br&gt;Candida de nigris, et de candentibus atra.''
** Skilled in every trick, a worthy heir of his paternal craft, he would make black look white, and white look black.
** [[Ovid]], ''Metamorphoses'', XI, 313

* ''Fronte politus&lt;br&gt;Astutam vapido servas sub pectore vulpem.''
** Though thy face is glossed with specious art thou retainest the cunning fox beneath thy vapid breast.
** [[Persius]], ''Satires'', V. 116

* ''Habent insidias hominis blanditiæ mali.''
** The smooth speeches of the wicked are full of treachery.
** [[Phædrus]], ''Fables'', I. 19. 1

* ''Altera manu fert lapidem, altera panem ostentat.''
** He carries a stone in one hand, and offers bread with the other.
** [[Plautus]], ''Aulularia'', II. 2. 18

* ''Singuli enim decipere et decipi possunt: nemo omnes, neminem omnes fefellunt.''
** Individuals indeed may deceive and be deceived; but no one has ever deceived all men, nor have all men ever deceived any one.
** [[Pliny the Younger]], ''Panegyr. Traj.'' 62

* ''Savoir dissimuler est le savoir des rois.''
** Deception is the knowledge of kings.
** [[Cardinal Richelieu]], “Maxims,” ''Testament Politique'' (1641)

* ''Wir betrügen und schmeicheln niemanden durch so feine Kunstgriffe als uns selbst.''
** We deceive and flatter no one by such delicate artifices as we do our own selves.
** [[Arthur Schopenhauer]], ''Die Welt als Wille'', I. 350

* Orlando's helmet in Augustine's cowl.
** Horace and James Smith, ''Rejected Addresses'', Cui Bono. Imitation of Byron

* ''Hinc nunc præmium est, qui recta prava faciunt.''
** There is a demand in these days for men who can make wrong conduct appear right.
** [[Terence]], ''Phormio'', VIII. 2. 6

* Deceit and treachery skulk with hatred, but an honest spirit flieth with anger.
** [[Martin Farquhar Tupper]], ''Of Hatred and Anger''

* Or shipwrecked, kindles on the coast&lt;br&gt;False fires, that others may be lost.
** [[William Wordsworth]], ''To the Lady Fleming''

==''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895)==
:&lt;small&gt;Quotes reported in Josiah Hotchkiss Gilbert, ''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895)&lt;/small&gt;
* Dissimulation in youth is the forerunner of perfidy in old age; its first appearance is the fatal omen of growing depravity and future shame.
** [[Hugh Blair]], p. 242

* Wisdom and truth, the offspring of the sky, are immortal; while cunning and deception, the meteors of the earth, after glittering for a moment, must pass away.
** [[Robert Hall]], p. 241

* Lie not, neither to thyself nor men nor God. Let mouth and heart be one — beat and speak together, and make both felt in action. It is for cowards to lie.
** [[George Herbert]], p. 242

* Dishonor waits on perfidy. A man should blush to think a falsehood; it is the crime of cowards.
** [[Samuel Johnson]], p. 242

* I have seldom known any one who deserted truth in trifles that could be trusted in matters of importance.
** [[William Paley]], p. 242

==See also==
* [[Falsehood]]
* [[Noble lie]]
* [[Perjury]]
* [[Truth]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
{{wiktionary|dishonesty}}

[[Category:Discourse]]
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    <title>Friendship</title>
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      <text bytes="99402" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Voltaire Houdon dessin.jpg|thumb|The wicked have only accomplices, the voluptuous have only companions in debauchery; self-seekers have only associates; politicians have only their factions; the generality of idle men has only connections; princes have only courtiers; virtuous men alone possess friends. ~ [[Voltaire]]]]
[[File:This morning we caught a rainbow.jpg|thumb|right|Your friends will know you better in the first minute you meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years. ~ [[Richard Bach]]]]
:&lt;small&gt;''&quot;Friends&quot; redirects here, for the television series, see [[Friends (TV series)]].''&lt;/small&gt;
'''[[w:Friendship|Friendship]]''' is a term which is used to denote co-operative and supportive behavior between two or more people. It can be taken to mean a supportive relationship which involves mutual knowledge, esteem, and affection.
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{{TOCalpha|''[[#Respectfully Quoted: A Dictionary of Quotations (1989)|Respectfully&amp;nbsp;Quoted:&amp;nbsp;A&amp;nbsp;Dictionary&amp;nbsp;of&amp;nbsp;Quotations]]'' · ''[[#Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations|Hoyt's&amp;nbsp;New&amp;nbsp;Cyclopedia&amp;nbsp;Of&amp;nbsp;Practical&amp;nbsp;Quotations]]'' · ''[[#Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers (1895)|Dictionary&amp;nbsp;of&amp;nbsp;Burning&amp;nbsp;Words&amp;nbsp;of&amp;nbsp;Brilliant&amp;nbsp;Writers]]'' }}
[[File:Waltzing together statue.jpg|thumb|right|What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies. ~ [[Aristotle]]]]
[[File:Johann Jakob Dorner d Ä (attr) Aristoteles.jpg|thumb|right|The best friend is the man who in wishing me well wishes it for my sake. ~ [[Aristotle]]]]
[[File:Fidelia and Speranza by Benjamin West, Timken Museum of Art.JPG|thumb|right|Friends are those who believe in us and who want to help us whatever it is that we are trying to achieve. ~ [[Aung San Suu Kyi]]]]
[[File:The Beatles in America.JPG|thumb|right|I get by with a little help from my friends. ~ [[The Beatles]]]]
[[File:Hermann Kern Gute Freunde 1904.jpg|thumb|right|Love is only chatter,&lt;br&gt;Friends are all that matter. ~ [[Gelett Burgess]]]]
[[File:Catilina2-Maccari affresco.jpg|thumb|right|To desire the same things and to reject the same things, constitutes true friendship. ~ [[w:Catiline|Catiline]]]]
[[File:Hands4 Overlaying.jpg|thumb|right|Friendship makes prosperity more shining and lessens adversity by dividing and sharing it. ~ [[Cicero]]]]
[[File:West, Benjamin - Cicero and the magistrates discovering the tomb of Archimedes.JPG|thumb|right|We are not born, we do not live for ourselves alone; our country, our friends, have a share in us.
 ~ [[Cicero]]]]
[[File:The Young Cicero Reading.jpg|thumb|right|A friend is, as it were, a second self. ~ [[Cicero]]]]
[[File:Emirgan 04589.jpg|thumb|right|Friendship is a sheltering tree. ~ [[Samuel Taylor Coleridge]]]]
[[File:Hirundo rustica young male spring NRM.jpg|thumb|right|When the daylight's gone, &amp; you're on your own &lt;br/&gt; And you need a friend, just to be around&lt;br/&gt;I will comfort you, I will take your hand&lt;br/&gt;And I'll pull you through, I will understand ~ [[w:The Corrs|The Corrs]]]]
[[File:Gustave Courbet 014.jpg|thumb|right|Oh, the comfort — the inexpressible comfort of feeling ''safe'' with a person — having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away. ~ [[Dinah Craik]]]]
[[File:The Best Things in Life Are Free.jpg|thumb|right|A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere. Before him, I may think aloud. ~ [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]]]]
[[File:Full Spectrum Team Waving.jpg|thumb|right|The only way to have a friend is to be one. ~ [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]]]]
[[File:Kids 09185.JPG|thumb|right|The highest compact we can make with our fellow is, — Let there be truth between us two forevermore. ~ [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]]]]
[[File:Epicurus Louvre.jpg|right|thumb|Of all the means which [[wisdom]] acquires to ensure [[happiness]] throughout the whole of [[life]], by far the most important is friendship. ~ [[Epicurus]] ]]
[[File:Christian Anarchist Blot.svg |thumb|right|Never explain — your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe you anyhow. ~ [[Elbert Hubbard]]]]
[[File:Aivazovsky, Ivan - The Ninth Wave.jpg |thumb|right|The finest friendships are between those who can do without each other. ~ [[Elbert Hubbard]]]]
[[File:William-Adolphe Bouguereau (1825-1905) - Compassion (1897).jpg|thumb|right|Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. ~ [[Jesus]]]]
[[File:Edward Armitage - Julian the Apostate presiding at a conference of sectarian - 1875.jpg|thumb|right|Choose your friends, then treat them as friends; do not regard them like slaves or servants, but associate with them frankly and simply and generously; not saying one thing of them and thinking something else. ~ [[Julian (emperor)|Julian]]]]
[[File:Sunset Cliff.jpg|thumb|right|To let friendship die away by negligence and silence, is certainly not wise. It is voluntarily to throw away one of the greatest comforts of this weary pilgrimage. ~ [[Samuel Johnson]]]]
[[File:Abraham Lincoln circa 1860.png |thumb|right| The better part of one's life consists of his friendships. ~ [[Abraham Lincoln]]]]
[[File:Ridolfo_del_Ghirlandaio_001.jpg|right|thumb|Friendships that are won by awards, and not by [[greatness]] and [[nobility]] of soul, although deserved, yet are not real, and cannot be depended upon in time of [[adversity]]. ~ [[Niccolò Machiavelli]] ]]
[[File:Friendship 4.jpg|thumb|right|A friendship that can be ended didn't ever start. ~ [[Mellin de Saint-Gelais]]]]
[[File:Ridolfo del Ghirlandaio 001.jpg|thumb|right|Friendships that are won by awards, and not by greatness and nobility of soul, although deserved, yet are not real, and cannot be depended upon in time of adversity. ~ [[Niccolò Machiavelli]]]]
[[File:Hermandad - friendship.jpg|thumb|right|Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born. ~ [[Anaïs Nin]]]]
[[File:Vlas blauwbloeiend (Linum usitatissimum).jpg|thumb|right|Friends, the soil is poor, we must sow seeds in plenty for us to garner even modest harvests... ~ [[Novalis]]]]
[[File:Halo solaire 21112006 003.jpg|thumb|right|When it comes to friends, it's not how much time you spend with them, just how you spend it! ~ [[w:Eiichiro Oda|Eiichiro Oda]]]]
[[File:Hubble2005-01-barred-spiral-galaxy-NGC1300.jpg|thumb|right|For all are friends in heaven, all faithful friends;&lt;br&gt;And many friendships in the days of time&lt;br&gt;Begun, are lasting here, and growing still. ~ [[Robert Pollok]]]]
[[File:Harmodius and Aristogeiton.jpg|thumb|right|It is something that grows over time... a true friendship. A feeling in the heart that becomes even stronger through time...The passion of friendship will soon blossom into a righteous power and through it, you'll know which way to go... ~ &quot;Sheik&quot;, ''[[The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time]]'']]
[[File:Lincoln inaugural bible 2.jpg|thumb|right|A faithful friend is a sturdy shelter;&lt;br&gt;he who finds one finds a treasure.&lt;br&gt;A faithful friend is beyond price,&lt;br&gt;no sum can balance his worth. ~ [[w:Sirach|Sirach]]]]
[[File:Friendship (dogs).jpg|thumb|right|Life is to be fortified by many friendships. To love, and to be loved, is the greatest happiness of existence. ~ [[Sydney Smith]]]]
[[File:The Flood, by Paul Merwart.jpg|thumb|right|Misfortune shows those who are not really friends. ~ [[Aristotle]]]]
[[File:Kurdish YPG Fighters (16050762203).jpg|thumb|That my friend should be well is our wish, and that our enemies should be gone! May those friendly to you reach their goal as a ship does a friendly harbour! May your enemy, like the flood waters of a river, return to his city. ~ [[Sumerian proverb]]]]
[[File:Johann Heinrich Füssli 015.jpg|thumb|right|Many a time,… from a bad beginning great friendships have sprung up. ~ [[Terence]]]]
[[File:Best Frends Forever - Golden Gate bridge guard rail 166.jpg|thumb|right|All things are common to friends. ~ [[Terence]]]]
[[File:G W Russell Bathers.jpg|thumb|right|Friendship is not for merriment but for stern reproach when friends go astray. ~ [[Tiruvalluvar]]]]
[[File:Rosa Gold Glow 2.jpg|thumb|right|True friendship is a plant of slow growth, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity before it is entitled to the appellation. ~ [[George Washington]]]]
[[File:Rose Cross Lamen.svg|thumb|right|Think where man's glory most begins and ends,&lt;br&gt;And say my glory was I had such friends. ~ [[William Butler Yeats]]]]
[[File:SépultureCathelineau.JPG|thumb|right|Death is mighty, and is no one's friend. ~ [[Roger Zelazny]], ''[[Lord of Light]]'']]
[[File:Holding Hands shadow on sand cropped.png|thumb|right|I shall choose friends among men, but neither slaves nor masters. And I shall choose only such as please me, and them I shall love and respect, but neither command nor obey. And we shall join our hands when we wish, or walk alone when we so desire. ~ [[Ayn Rand]], in Anthem]]
[[File:Trifolium arvense - kassiristik Keilas.jpg|thumb|right|Keep thy friend&lt;br&gt;Under thy own life's key. ~ [[William Shakespeare]]]]
== A ==
* Friends are born, not made.
** [[Henry Adams]], ''The Education of Henry Adams'' (1907), Ch. VII.

* One friend in a life time is much; two are many; three are hardly possible. Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought, a rivalry of aim.
** [[Henry Adams]], ''The Education of Henry Adams'' (1907), Ch. XX.
* The friendships of the world are oft&lt;br&gt;Confederacies in vice, or leagues of pleasure;&lt;br&gt;Ours has severest virtue for its basis,&lt;br&gt;And such a friendship ends not but with life.
** [[Joseph Addison]], ''Cato, A Tragedy'' (1713), Act III, scene 1.

* ''Stay'' is a charming word in a friend's vocabulary.
** [[Amos Bronson Alcott]], ''Concord Days'' (1872), p. 124.
** This quote is often misattributed to Alcott's daughter [[Louisa May Alcott]].

* He who has a thousand friends has not a friend to spare, And he who has one enemy will meet him everywhere.
** [[Ali]], ''A Hundred Sayings''.
* A friend is he whose absence also proves the friendship. 
* If you intend to cut yourself off from a friend leave some scope for him from your side by which he may resume friendship if it occurs to him some day.
* A stranger is he who has no friend.
** [[Ali]], [[Nahj al-Balagha]], [https://www.al-islam.org/nahjul-balagha-part-2-letters-and-sayings/letter-31-advice-one-his-sons-after-returning-battle Letter 31: Advice to one of his sons after returning from the Battle of Siffin], at the {{w|Ahlul Bayt Digital Islamic Library Project}}.

* Your friends are three and your enemies arc (also) three. Your friends are: your friend, your friend's friend and your enemy's enemy. And your enemies are: your enemy, your friend's enemy and your enemy's friend.
** [[Ali]], [[Nahj al-Balagha]], [https://www.al-islam.org/nahjul-balagha-part-2-letters-and-sayings/selections-sayings-and-preaching-amir-al-muminin-ali#hadith-n-295 Hadith n. 295], at the {{w|Ahlul Bayt Digital Islamic Library Project}}.

* What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies.
** [[Aristotle]], from ''Braude's Second Encyclopedia of stories, quotations, and anecdotes''.

* Misfortune shows those who are not really friends.
**[[Aristotle]], ''Eudemian Ethics'' Book VII, 1238.a20.

* Piety requires us to honor truth above our friends.
** [[Aristotle]], ''Nicomachean Ethics'' (c. 325 BC), Book I, 1096.a16.

* Without friends no one would choose to live, though he had all other goods.
** [[Aristotle]], ''Nicomachean Ethics'' (c. 325 BC), Book VIII, 1155.a5.

* When people are friends, they have no need of justice, but when they are just, they need friendship in addition.
** [[Aristotle]], ''Nicomachean Ethics'' (c. 325 BC), Book VIII, 1155.a26.

* The best friend is he that, when he wishes a person's good, wishes it for that person's own sake.
** [[Aristotle]], ''Nicomachean Ethics'' (c. 325 BC), Book IX, 1168.b1
** Variants: My best friend is the man who in wishing me well wishes it for my sake. &lt;br&gt; The best friend is the man who in wishing me well wishes it for my sake.

* I’ve always said there’s no hope without endeavor. Hope has no meaning unless we are prepared to work to realize our hopes and dreams but in order to that we do need to have friends. We need those who believe in us. Friends are those who believe in us and who want to help us whatever it is that we are trying to achieve.
** [[Aung San Suu Kyi]], [http://www.nobelprize.org/nobel_prizes/peace/laureates/1991/kyi-lecture_en.html# Sakharov Prize for Freedom of Thought Acceptance Speech by Aung San Suu Kyi, Strasbourg, 22 October 2013].

==B==
* Your friends will know you better in the first minute you meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years.
** [[Richard Bach]], ''[[w:Illusions (Bach novel)|Illusions, The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah]]'' (1977).
&lt;!-- What does this quote mean? I don't understand.--&gt;

* [[w:Alonso de Aragón|Alonso of Aragon]] was wont to say in commendation of age, that age appears to be best in four things, — old wood best to burn, old wine to drink, old friends to trust, and old authors to read.
** [[Francis Bacon]], ''Apothegms'', No. 97 &lt;!--, as reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th edition (1919); Alonso's statement is also the source of another rendition:
:: Old wood to burn! Old wine to drink! Old friends to trust! Old authors to read! — Alonso of Aragon was wont to say in commendation of age, that age appeared to be best in these four things.
:: * Melchior de Santa Cruz, ''Floresta Española de Apothegmas o sentencias'', etc., ii. 1, 20, reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th edition (1919).--&gt;

* I get by with a little help from my friends.
** [[The Beatles]], ''[[w:With a Little Help from My Friends|With a Little Help from My Friends]]''.

* No friend's a friend till [he shall] prove a friend.
** [[Beaumont and Fletcher]], ''The Faithful Friends'' (c. 1608), Act III, scene 3, line 50.

* For no one, in our long decline,&lt;br&gt;So dusty, spiteful and divided,&lt;br&gt;Had quite such pleasant friends as mine,&lt;br&gt;Or loved them half as much as I did.
** [[Hilaire Belloc]], &quot;Dedicatory Ode,&quot; ''Sonnets and Verse'' (1923), p. 70, stanza 3.

* From quiet homes and first beginning,&lt;br&gt;Out to the undiscovered ends,&lt;br&gt;There's nothing worth the wear of winning,&lt;br&gt;But laughter and the love of friends.
** [[Hilaire Belloc]], &quot;Dedicatory Ode,&quot; ''Sonnets and Verse'' (1923), p. 74, stanza 22.

* You do retain the song we set,&lt;br&gt;And how it rises, trips and scans?&lt;br&gt;You keep the sacred memory yet,&lt;br&gt;Republicans? Republicans?
** [[Hilaire Belloc]], &quot;Dedicatory Ode,&quot; ''Sonnets and Verse'' (1923), p. 76, stanza 36. Republicans was the name of the friends' club.

* That is almost the definition of any friendship that is worthwhile — that we don't care a damn how you behave yourself.
** [[Edmund Clerihew Bentley|E. C. Bentley]] and H. Warner Allen, ''[[w:Trent's Own Case|Trent's Own Case]]'' (1936), Chapter XV.

*BEFRIEND, ''v.t.'' To make an ingrate.
** [[Ambrose Bierce]], ''The Cynic's Word Book'' (1906); republished as ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911).

*FRIENDSHIP, ''n.'' A ship big enough to carry two in fair weather, but none in foul.
** [[Ambrose Bierce]], [https://archive.org/details/cynicswordbook00bier/page/124/mode/2up ''The Cynic's Word Book''] (1906), republished as [https://books.google.com/books?id=uJ3Eb83TxQEC&amp;pg=PA109 ''The Devil's Dictionary''] (1911) with modification:
*FRIENDSHIP, ''n.'' A ship big enough to carry two in fair weather, but only one in foul.

* ''Nicht aus dem schweren Boden der Erde,
:sondern aus freiem Gefallen
:und freiem Verlangen des Geistes,
:der nicht des Eides und des Gesetzes bedarf,
:wird der Freund dem Freunde geschenkt''.
:Not from the heavy soil of the earth,
:but from the spirit's choice and free desire, needing no oath of legal bond,
:is friend bestowed on friend.
:* [[Dietrich Bonhoeffer]], ''Der Freund'', published in ''Widerstand und Ergebung, Briefe und Aufzeichnungen aus der Haft'' (1952), p. 269 &lt;!-- Where is this translation from? --&gt;

* We cannot tell the precise moment when friendship is formed. As in filling a vessel drop by drop, there is at last a drop which makes it run over; so in a series of kindnesses there is at last one which makes the heart run over.
** [[James Boswell]], ''Life of Samuel Johnson'' (1791), &quot;19 September 1777&quot;.

* I have loved my friends as I do virtue, my soul, my God.
** Sir [[Thomas Browne]], ''Religio Medici'' (1642), Part II, Section V.

* Now with my friend I desire not to share or participate, but to engross his sorrows, that, by making them mine own, I may more easily discuss them; for in mine own reason, and within myself, I can command that which I cannot entreat without myself, and within the circle of another.
** Sir [[Thomas Browne]], ''Religio Medici'' (1642), Part II, Section V.

* Health is the greatest gift, contentment is the greatest wealth, a trusted friend is the best relative, Nibbana is the greatest bliss. 
** [[Gautama Buddha]], [[Dhammapada]], (verse 202), translator: [[Narada Maha Thera]]

* There is no man so friendless but what he can find a friend sincere enough to tell him disagreeable truths.
** [[Edward Bulwer-Lytton]], ''What Will He Do With It?'' (1858), Book II, Chapter XIV.

* Love is only chatter,&lt;br&gt;Friends are all that matter.
** [[Gelett Burgess]], ''A Gage of Youth: Lyrics from The Lark and Other Poems'' (1901), &quot;Willy and the Lady&quot;, p. 46.

==C==

* ''Non nobis solum nati sumus ortusque nostri partem patria vindicat, partem amici.''
** We are not born, we do not live for ourselves alone; our country, our friends, have a share in us.
** [[Cicero]], [[w:De Officiis|De Officiis]] Book I, section 22.

* Friendship makes prosperity more shining and lessens adversity by dividing and sharing it.
** [[Cicero]], ''De Amicitia'' - ''On Friendship'' (44 B.C.).

* ''Amicus est tamquam alter idem.''
** A friend is, as it were, a second self.
** [[Cicero]], ''De Amicitia'', XXI. 80. (Adapted).

* Flowers are lovely; love is flower-like; &lt;br&gt; Friendship is a sheltering tree;&lt;br&gt;Oh the joys that came down shower-like,&lt;br&gt;Of friendship, love, and liberty,&lt;br&gt;Ere I was old!
** [[Samuel Taylor Coleridge]], ''[http://etext.lib.virginia.edu/stc/Coleridge/poems/Youth_and_Age.html Youth and Age]'', st. 2 (1823-1832) and ''[http://etext.lib.virginia.edu/stc/Coleridge/poems/Duty_Love.html Duty Surviving Self-Love]'' (1826).

* True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it be lost.
** [[Charles Caleb Colton]], ''Lacon'' (1820).

* Ah, child. What are we without friends? Just severed heads rolling across the sands.
** [[Glen Cook]], ''Severed Heads,'' in [[Marion Zimmer Bradley]] (ed.) [[w:Sword and Sorceress series|''Sword and Sorceress'']] (1984), p. 49

* Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.
** [[w:Francis Ford Coppola|Francis Ford Coppola]] and [[w:Mario Puzo|Mario Puzo]], ''[[The Godfather Part II]]'' (1974), (character of &quot;[[w:Michael Corleone|Michael Corleone]]&quot;); this has often become attributed to [[Sun Tzu]] and sometimes to [[Niccolò Machiavelli]] or [[Petrarch]], but there are no published sources yet found which predate its use in the second ''Godfather'' film, where Corleone states: My father taught me many things here — he taught me in this room. He taught me — keep your friends close but your enemies closer.

* When the daylight's gone, &amp; you're on your own&lt;br&gt;And you need a friend, just to be around&lt;br&gt;I will comfort you, I will take your hand&lt;br&gt;And I'll pull you through, I will understand&lt;br&gt; And you know that&lt;p&gt;I'll be at your side&lt;br&gt;There's no need to worry&lt;br&gt;Together, we'll survive&lt;br&gt;Through the haste &amp; hurry&lt;br&gt;I'll be at your side, if you feel like you're alone&lt;br&gt;And you've nowhere to turn&lt;br&gt;I'll be at your side&lt;p&gt; If life's standing still, and your soul's confused&lt;br&gt;And you cannot find what road to choose&lt;br&gt;[...]&lt;br&gt;I will turn around&lt;br&gt; And you know that&lt;br&gt; I 'll be at your side
** [[w:The Corrs|The Corrs]], ''At Your Side''.

* I would not enter on my list of friends&lt;br&gt;(Though graced with polish'd manners and fine sense,&lt;br&gt;Yet wanting sensibility) the man&lt;br&gt;Who needlessly sets foot upon a [[worm]].
** [[William Cowper]], ''The Task'' (1785), Book VI, line 560.

* She that asks&lt;br&gt;Her dear five hundred friends, contemns them all,&lt;br&gt;And hates their coming.
** [[William Cowper]], ''The Task'' (1785), Book II, line 642.

* The blessing it is to have a friend to whom one can speak fearlessly on any subject; with whom one's deepest as well as one's most foolish thoughts come out simply and safely. Oh, the comfort — the inexpressible comfort of feeling ''safe'' with a person — having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.
** [[Dinah Craik]], ''A Life for a Life'' (1859); since the 1930s this has also been published in many paraphrased forms, often uncredited to Craik, including:&lt;br&gt; A friend is one&lt;br/&gt;To whom one may pour out all&lt;br/&gt;The contents of one's heart&lt;br/&gt;Chaff and grain, together,&lt;br/&gt;Knowing that the gentlest of hands&lt;br/&gt;Will take and sift it,&lt;br/&gt;Keep what's worth keeping&lt;br/&gt;And blow the rest away.

==D==
* I am a companion of all them that fear thee, and of them that keep thy precepts.
** [[Psalms of David|Psalm]] 119:63.

* ''Le sort fait les parents, le choix fait les amis''.
** Fate chooses our relatives, we choose our friends.
** [[Jacques Delille]], ''Malheur at Pitié'' (1803), Canto I.

* We ought to esteem him alone an agreeable and good-natured man, who, in his daily intercourse with others, behaves in such a manner as friends usually behave to each other. For as a person of that rustic character appears, wherever he comes, like a mere stranger: so, on the contrary, a polite man, wherever he goes, seems as easy as if he were amongst his intimate friends and acquaintances.
** [[Giovanni Della Casa]], ''Galateo: Or, A Treatise on Politeness and Delicacy of Manners'', pp. 42-43

* Other [[w:Cynics|dogs]] bite only their [[enemies]], whereas I bite also my [[friends]] in order to save them.
** [[Diogenes|Diogenes of Sinope]] [[w:Stobaeus|Stobaeus]], iii. 13. 44

==E==

* Es gibt wenig aufrichtige Freunde. Die Nachfrage ist auch gering.
** There are very few honest friends—the demand is not particularly great.
** [[Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach]],'' Aphorisms'', D. Scrase and W. Mieder, trans. (Riverside, California: 1994), p. 71

* Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up.&quot;
** [[Ecclesiastes]] 4:9-10.

* But a companion and a friend shall be turned to an enemy.
** [[Ecclesiastes]] 37:2.

* Best friend, my well-spring in the wilderness!
** [[George Eliot]], ''The Spanish Gypsy'' (1868), Book III.

* Friend more divine than all divinities.
** [[George Eliot]], ''The Spanish Gypsy'' (1868), Book IV.

* A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere. Before him, I may think aloud.
** [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], in &quot;Friendship&quot; in ''Essays'' (1841), First series.

* Our friends early appear to us as representatives of certain ideas, which they never pass or exceed. They stand on the brink of the ocean of thought and power, but they never take a single step that would bring them there.
** [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], ''Essays'' (1841), ''Of Experience''.

* The only way to have a good friend is to be one.
** [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], ''Essays'' (1841), ''Of Friendship''.

* The ornament of a house is the friends who frequent it.
** [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], ''Society and Solitude'' (1870), Ch. V: &quot;Domestic Life&quot;.

* The wise man … needs no bribe or feast or palace to draw friends to him. He is supremely fair. He angles with himself and with no other bait.
** [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], Journal entry December 26, 1839, Journals (1911), Volume 5, p. 360-361, also in “Politics,” The Early Lectures of Ralph Waldo Emerson (Harvard: 1972), p. 243

* '''Of all the means which [[wisdom]] acquires to ensure [[happiness]] throughout the whole of [[life]], by far the most important is [[friendship]].''' 
** [[Epicurus]], Number 28 of the 40 &quot;Sovran Maxims&quot; (or &quot;Sovereign Maxims), or [http://classics.mit.edu/Epicurus/princdoc.html &quot;Principal Doctrines&quot; as translated by Robert Drew Hicks]

==F==
* There are three faithful friends: an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.
** [[Benjamin Franklin]], ''[[Poor Richard's Almanack]]'' (1734).

* Thou canst not joke an Enemy into a Friend; but thou may'st a Friend into an Enemy.
** [[Benjamin Franklin]], ''[[Poor Richard's Almanack]]'' (1739).

* 'Tis great Confidence in a Friend to tell him ''your'' Faults, greater to tell him ''his''.
** [[Benjamin Franklin]], ''[[Poor Richard's Almanack]]'' (1751).

==G==
* A friendship that can be ended didn't ever start.
** [[Mellin de Saint-Gelais]], ''Oeuvres poétiques''.

* Do not befriend an [[evil]] man and no evil will overtake you.
** ''{{w|Genesis Rabbah}} 22'', ''[http://www.sacred-texts.com/jud/tmm/tmm07.htm Tales and Maxims from the Midrash]'' by Rev. Samuel Rapaport,  (1907), p. 72

* Your friend is your needs answered. He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving. And he is your board and your fireside. For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace.
** [[Kahlil Gibran]], ''[[The Prophet]]'' (1923).

* I love everything that's old, — old friends, old times, old manners, old books, old wine.
** [[Oliver Goldsmith]], ''She Stoops to Conquer'' (1771), Act I, reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th edition (1919).

* He cast off his friends, as a huntsman his pack;&lt;br&gt;For he knew, when he pleas'd, he could whistle them back.
** [[Oliver Goldsmith]], ''Retaliation'' (1774), line 107.

* ''Hazer de los amigos maestros, penetrando el útil del aprender con el gusto del conversar''.
** Make your friends your teachers and blend the usefulness of learning with the pleasure of conversation.
** [[Baltasar Gracián]], ''Oráculo Manual y Arte de Prudencia'', § 11 (Christopher Maurer trans.)

* If displeased with any man, do all you can to prevent his seeing it, for otherwise he will become estranged. And occasions often arise when he might and would have served you had you not lost him by showing your dislike. Of this I have had experience to my own profit. For once and again I have felt ill-disposed towards some one who not being aware of my hostility has afterwards helped me when I needed help and proved my good friend.
**[[Francesco Guicciardini]], ''Counsels and Reflections'', 324.

* Defend me from my friends; I can defend myself from my enemies.
** [[w:Jean Herauld Gourville|Jean Hérault, sieur de Gourville]] as quoted in ''Considérations sur l'esprit et les moeurs'' (1788) by [[w:Gabriel Sénac de Meilhan|Gabriel Sénac de Meilhan]]; a similar remark &quot;May God defend me from my friends; I can defend myself from my enemies.&quot; has become attributed to [[Voltaire]], since at least 1908, but without sourcing

==H==
* Friendship is often outgrown; and his former child's clothes will no more fit a man than some of his former friendships.
** [[w:Sir Arthur Helps|Sir Arthur Helps]], in 'Unreasonable Claims in Social Affections and Relations', Chapter IX, ''Friends in Council'' (First Series) (1847).

* Friends . . old friends. . . 
: One sees how it ends.
: A woman looks
: Or a man tells lies,
: And the pleasant brooks
: And the quiet skies,
: Ruined with brawling
: And caterwauling,
: Enchant no more
: As they did before;
: And so it ends
: with friends.&lt;br&gt;
** [[William Ernest Henley]], [https://books.google.co.uk/books?id=pxw1AAAAMAAJ&amp;pg=PA111&amp;source=gbs_toc_r&amp;cad=3#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false part XLI], from ''Life and Death (Echoes)'' (1888)

* The difficulty is not so much to die for a friend, as to find a friend worth dying for.
** [[w:Henry Home, Lord Kames|Henry Home, Lord Kames]], in &quot;Friendship&quot;, ''Introduction to the Art of Thinking'' (1761).
** This quote is often misattributed to [[Homer]].

* The finest friendships are between those who can do without each other.
** [[Elbert Hubbard]], in 'Exclusive Friendships', ''Love, Life &amp; Work'' (1906).

* Never explain — your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe you anyhow.
** [[Elbert Hubbard]], ''The Motto Book'' (1907).

* Your friend is that man who knows all about you, and still likes you.
** [[Elbert Hubbard]], ''The Note Book'' (1927).

* Blessed are they who have the gift of making friends, for it is one of God's best gifts. It involves many things, but, above all, the power of going out of one's self and appreciating whatever is noble and loving in another.
** [[Thomas Hughes]], in Katherine Frances Jelf, ''George Edward Jelf: A Memoir'' (London: Skeffington &amp; Son, 1909), p. 10.

* One of the principal functions of a friend is to suffer (in a milder and more symbolic form) the punishments that we should like, but are unable, to inflict upon our enemies.
** [[Aldous Huxley]], ''[[Brave New World]]'' (1932).

* I would rather walk with a friend in the dark, than alone in the light.
** [[Helen_Keller|Helen Keller]]

==I==
* ''Chi si trova senz’ amici, e come un corpo senz’ anima''.
**A man without friends is like a body without a soul.
**Italian Proverb, in ''Cassell's Book of Quotations'', p. 884

==J==
* It is nothing against the validity of a friendship that the parties to it have not a mutual resemblance. There must be a basis of agreement, but the structure reared upon it may contain a thousand disparities.
** [[Henry James]], ''Confidence'' (1879), Ch. II.

* I merely point out to you that, as a matter of fact, certain persons do exist with an enormous capacity for friendship and for taking delight in other people's lives; and that such person know more of truth than if their hearts were not so big. 
** [[William James]], ''Talks to Teachers on Psychology and to Students on Some of Life's Ideals'' (1911).

* Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.
** [[Jesus]], in John 15:13.

* Yes'm, old friends is always best, 'less you can catch a new one that's fit to make an old one out of.
** [[Sarah Orne Jewett]], ''The Country of the Pointed Firs'' (1896), Ch. 12.

* Nothing changes your opinion of a friend so surely as success &amp;mdash; yours or his.
** Franklin P. Jones, in ''Saturday Evening Post'' (29 November 1953).

*Got a lot of haters and a lot of homies; some friends and some phony.
**[[w:Mike Jones|Michael Jones]], &quot;Still Tippin'&quot; (2005), ''Who Is Mike Jones?'' (2005).

* Choose your friends, then treat them as friends; do not regard them like slaves or servants, but associate with them frankly and simply and generously; not saying one thing of them and thinking something else.
** [[Julian (emperor)|Julian]], Myth at the end of Julian's oration to the cynic Heracleios, as translated in [http://www.third-millennium-library.com/MedievalHistory/Julian_the_Emperor/CHAPTER_VI.html ''The Emperor Julian : Paganism and Christianity'' (1879)] by [[w:Gerald Henry Rendall|Gerald Henry Rendall]], Ch. VI : Julian's Personal Religion, p. 138.

==K==
* Friends need to tell each other the hard truth and friendships require mutual respect.
** [[John Kerry]], ''Kerry Blasts Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu'' — (December 2016)

* The absolute condition for friendship is unity in a life-view. If a person has that, he will not be tempted to base his friendship on obscure feelings or on indefinable sympathies. As a consequence, he will not experience these ridiculous shifts, so that one day he has a friend and the next day he does not. He will not fail to appreciate the significance of the indefinable sympathies, because, strictly speaking, a person is certainly not a friend of everyone with whom he shares a life-view but neither does he stop with only the mysteriousness of the sympathies. A true friendship always requires consciousness and is therefore freed from being infatuation. The life-view in which one is united must be a positive view.
** [[Søren Kierkegaard]] ''Either/Or Part II'', Hong p. 319 (1843).

* There is nothing in the world more trustworthy than a friend one is sure will betray everything confided to him, nothing more trustworthy if only one is careful about what is confided to him. it is unsafe to ask a friend to tell this or that, but if one confides to him under the pledge of secrecy something one wishes to come out, then one can be absolutely sure, for then it must come out. Furthermore, it is a rare good fortune if in turn such a friend has a friend, and in turn this friend has a girlfriend-then it travels with the speed of lightning.
** [[Søren Kierkegaard]], ''Stages on Life's Way'', Hong p. 245.

==L==
* Friendship ... flourishes not so much by kindnesses as by sincerity.
** [[Étienne de la Boétie]], ''Discourse of Voluntary Servitude'', Part 3

* Friendship ... receives its real sustenance from an equality that, to proceed without a limp, must have its two limbs equal.
** [[Étienne de la Boétie]], ''Discourse of Voluntary Servitude'', Part 3

* Of two friends, one is always the slave of the other, although frequently neither acknowledges the fact to himself.
** [[Mikhail Lermontov]], ''A Hero of Our Time''.

* Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.
** [[C. S. Lewis]], ''[[w:The Four Loves|The Four Loves]]'' (1960)

* A good relationship has a pattern like a dance and is built on some of the same rules. The partners do not need to hold on tightly, because they move confidently in the same pattern, intricate but gay and swift and free, like a country dance of Mozart's. To touch heavily would be to arrest the pattern and freeze the movement, to check the endlessly changing beauty of its unfolding. There is no place here for the possessive clutch, the clinging arm, the heavy hand; only the barest touch in passing. Now arm in arm, now face to face, now back to back — it does not matter which. Because they know they are partners moving to the same rhythm, creating a pattern together, and being invisibly nourished by it. &lt;br&gt; The joy of such a pattern is not only the joy of creation or the joy of participation, it is also the joy of living in the moment. Lightness of touch and living in the moment are intertwined. One cannot dance well unless one is completely in time with the music, not leaning back to the last step or pressing forward to the next one, but poised directly on the present step as it comes. Perfect poise on the beat is what gives good dancing its sense of ease, of timelessness, of the eternal.
**[[Anne Morrow Lindbergh]], ''Gift from the Sea''.

* Come back! ye friendships long departed!&lt;br&gt;That like o'erflowing streamlets started,&lt;br&gt;And now are dwindled, one by one,&lt;br&gt;To stony channels in the sun!&lt;br&gt;Come back! ye friends, whose lives are ended,&lt;br&gt;Come back, with all that light attended,&lt;br&gt;Which seemed to darken and decay&lt;br&gt;When ye arose and went away!
** [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]], ''Christus'' (1872), Part II, ''The Golden Legend'', I.

* O friend! O best of friends! Thy absence more&lt;br&gt;Than the impending night darkens the landscape o'er!
** Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, ''Christus'' (1872), Part II, ''The Golden Legend'', I.

* You will forgive me, I hope, for the sake of the friendship between us,&lt;br&gt;Which is too true and too sacred to be so easily broken!
** [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]], ''The Courtship of Miles Standish'' (1858), Part VI, ''Priscilla'', line 22.

* Yes, we must ever be friends; and of all who offer you friendship&lt;br&gt;Let me be ever the first, the truest, the nearest and dearest!
** [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]], ''The Courtship of Miles Standish'' (1858), Part VI, ''Priscilla'', line 72.

* “I sometimes think that ‘friend’ is just a word I use for all the people I haven't murdered yet.”
** [[Scott Lynch]], ''A Year and a Day in Old Theradane,'' in [[George R. R. Martin]] &amp; [[w:Gardner Dozois|Gardner Dozois]] (eds.) ''[[w:Rogues (anthology)|Rogues]]'' (2014), p. 258

==M==

* I say that every prince must desire to be  considered merciful and not cruel. He must, however, take care not to misuse this mercifulness. … A prince, therefore, must not mind incurring the charge of cruelty for the purpose of keeping his subjects united and confident; for, with a very few examples, he will be more merciful than those who, from excess of tenderness, allow disorders to arise, from whence spring murders and rapine; for these as a rule injure the whole community, while the executions carried out by the prince injure only one individual. And of all princes, it is impossible for a new prince to escape the name of cruel, new states being always full of dangers. … Nevertheless, he must be cautious in believing and acting, and must not inspire fear of his own accord, and must proceed in a temperate manner with prudence and humanity, so that too much confidence does not render him incautious, and too much diffidence does not render him intolerant. From this arises the question whether it is better to be loved more than feared, or feared more than loved. The reply is, that one ought to be both feared and loved, but as it is difficult for the two to go together, it is much safer to be feared than loved, if one of the two has to be wanting. For it may be said of men in general that they are ungrateful, voluble, dissemblers, anxious to avoid danger, and covetous of gain ; as long as you benefit them, they are entirely yours; they offer you their blood, their goods, their life, and their children, as I have before said, when the necessity is remote; but when it approaches, they revolt. And the prince who has relied solely on their words, without making other preparations, is ruined, for the friendship which is gained by purchase and not through grandeur and nobility of spirit is merited but is not secured, and at times is not to be had. And men have less scruple in offending one who makes himself loved than one who makes himself feared; for love is held by a chain of obligation which, men being selfish, is broken whenever it serves their purpose; but fear is maintained by a dread of punishment which never fails.
** [[Niccolò Machiavelli]], ''The Prince'' (1513), Ch. 17, as translated by Luigi Ricci (1903)
** Variant translations of portions of this passage:
** From this arises the question whether it is better to be loved rather than feared, or feared rather than loved. It might perhaps be answered that we should wish to be both: but since love and fear can hardly exist together, if we must choose between them, it is far safer to be feared than loved.
** He ought to be slow to believe and to act, nor should he himself show fear, but proceed in a temperate manner with prudence and humanity, so that too much confidence may not make him incautious and too much distrust render him intolerable.
** The prince who relies upon their words, without having otherwise provided for his security, is ruined; for friendships that are won by awards, and not by greatness and nobility of soul, although deserved, yet are not real, and cannot be depended upon in time of adversity.

* What find you better or more honourable than age? Take the preheminence of it in everything, — in an old friend, in old wine, in an old pedigree.
** [[w:Shackerley Marmion|Shackerley Marmion]]in ''The Antiquary'', reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th edition (1919).

* I like friends who have independent minds because they tend to make you see problems from all angles.
** [[Nelson Mandela]] on friendship, From his unpublished autobiographical manuscript written in 1975. Source: [http://www.nelsonmandela.org/content/mini-site/selected-quotes ''From Nelson Mandela By Himself: The Authorised Book of Quotations'' © 2010 by Nelson R. Mandela and The Nelson Mandela Foundation]

* Multiplex workplace friendships—those in which a personal, affective relationship coincides with a business relationship, namely, with coworkers within one’s organization—are a widespread organizational phenomenon (Ingram &amp; Zou, 2008). Indeed, a recent Gallup study determined that 30% of employees report having a best friend at work (Rath, 2006), and studies show that a sizeable number of employees describe their coworkers as both colleagues and friends (e.g., Gersick, Bartunek, &amp; Dutton, 2000; Lonkila, 1998). Importantly, multiplex workplace friendships have implications for key employee and organizational outcomes through the provision of moral and material support, work and nonwork advice, and quality information exchanges (Kram &amp; Isabella, 1985; Rawlins, 1992; Sias, 2005; Sias &amp; Cahill, 1998; Winstead, Derlega, Montgomery, &amp; Pilkington, 1995). For instance, employees who report having friends at work have higher levels of productivity, retention, and job satisfaction, and are seven times more likely to be engaged in their work than their “friendless” counterparts (Rath, 2006).
** Jessica R. Methot, Jeffery A. Lepine, Nathan P. Podaskoff, Jessica Siegel, [https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/peps.12109 &quot;Are Workplace Friendships a Mixed Blesing? Exploring Tradeofffs of Multiplex Relationships and Their Associations With Job Perofrmance&quot;], ''Personnel Psychology'' 2016, 69, p. 312.

* Multiplex workplace friendships are exhausting because they create feelings of responsibility and obligation, and because they require investments of attention and energy toward their maintenance. Thus, although there are positive effects of multiplex workplace friendships on job performance, they should be offset somewhat by the effect of exhaustion, which reflects reduced energy and attention that could otherwise be applied to core job performance‐related activities (Greenhaus &amp; Beutell, 1985; LePine, Podsakoff, &amp; LePine, 2005).
** Jessica R. Methot, Jeffery A. Lepine, Nathan P. Podaskoff, Jessica Siegel, [https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/peps.12109 &quot;Are Workplace Friendships a Mixed Blesing? Exploring Tradeofffs of Multiplex Relationships and Their Associations With Job Perofrmance&quot;], ''Personnel Psychology'' 2016, 69, pp. 316-317.

* Further, we expect individuals with larger multiplex workplace friendship networks will perform effectively because emotional support provides a mechanism to minimize distress (Lazarus &amp; Folkman, 1984). Emotional support is a form of support that is not related to work tasks themselves; rather, it is a “backstage resource” that allows employees to indirectly manage their work demands (Lazega &amp; Pattison, 1999). More specifically, rather than being a source of work‐related communication, emotional support comprises communication regarding good things at work, bad things at work, and nonwork topics (Beehr, Jex, Stacy, &amp; Murray, 2000), and having access to an outlet that allows the discussion of non work‐related topics and concerns fulfills socio emotional needs (Cobb, 1976; Cohen &amp; Wills, 1985). Thus, emotional distress can be effectively managed with emotional support, decreasing the saliency of emotional distractions and, ultimately, allowing employees the opportunity to address work tasks. Along these lines, both AbuAlRub (2004) and Beehr et al. (2000) found a positive association between emotional support and job performance. Taken together, we theorize that access to emotional support will decrease attention paid to emotional distractions and increase productive work time, which will positively impact job performance.
** Jessica R. Methot, Jeffery A. Lepine, Nathan P. Podaskoff, Jessica Siegel, [https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/peps.12109 &quot;Are Workplace Friendships a Mixed Blesing? Exploring Tradeofffs of Multiplex Relationships and Their Associations With Job Perofrmance&quot;], ''Personnel Psychology'' 2016, 69, p. 327-328.

* The ubiquity of multiplex workplace friendships warrants a deeper investigation of their effects on individuals’ performance at work. Indeed, McEvily and colleagues (2014) argue that “the more we attempt to disentangle formal [interaction] and informal [interaction] in an effort to understand their unique effects, the less we learn about how they actually operate” (p. 333) and call for investigations “where multiplexity of interactions is not just a possibility, but rather is an essential and defining feature” (p. 335) of theory and research. Here, we address this issue by exploring how and why multiplex workplace friendships uniquely influence performance.
** Jessica R. Methot, Jeffery A. Lepine, Nathan P. Podaskoff, Jessica Siegel, [https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/peps.12109 &quot;Are Workplace Friendships a Mixed Blesing? Exploring Tradeofffs of Multiplex Relationships and Their Associations With Job Perofrmance&quot;], ''Personnel Psychology'' 2016, 69, p. 338.

* [[Feelings]] are [[w:Contagious|contagious]]. “Each [[happy]] friend a person has increases that person’s [[probability]] of being happy by 9 percent and each [[unhappy]] friend decreases it by 7 percent,” says [[w:Nicholas A. Christakis|Nicholas A. Christakis]], a co-author of “Connected: The Surprising Power of Our Social Networks and How They Shape Our Lives.” &lt;br&gt; [[Males]] with [[depressed]] [[w:Roommates|roommates]] may end up feeling a bit blue themselves, according to Daniel Eisenberg, an assistant professor of public health at the [[w:University of Michigan|University of Michigan]] who recently led a survey of 1,600 freshmen at two universities — a public one in the Midwest and a private one in the Northeast — on the issue. He found no such carryover for [[female]] students. &lt;br&gt; This mood contagion seems to occur when the [[student]] keeps his feelings bottled up, Dr. Eisenberg says. And it’s only a mild case; roommates typically don’t develop their friends’ more [[serious]] [[w:Medical condition|conditions]]. &lt;br&gt; “It’s not like you catch a [[mental-health]] [[w:Common cold|cold]],” he says. “People are resilient. They have a lot of coping strategies.”
** Abigail Sullivan Moore, [https://www.nytimes.com/2010/07/25/education/25roomscience-t.html “The Science of Roommates”], ''[[w:The New York Times|The New York Times]]'', (July 23, 2010)

* If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.
** [[w:A. A. Milne|A. A. Milne]], ''[[w:The House at Pooh Corner|The House at Pooh Corner]]''(1928), Chapter 10.

* True friendship is an identity of souls rarely to be found in this world.
** [[Mahatma Gandhi]], ''[https://books.google.co.in/books/about/An_Autobiography.html?id=cYcAuVg2pdcC&amp;redir_esc=y “An Autobiography”]'

==N==
* A real friendship should not fade as time passes, and should not weaken because of space separation.
**John Newton, Ph.D., ''Complete Conduct Principles for the 21st Century'' (2000),  p. 138. {{ISBN|0967370574}}.

* A more appropriate adjective for measuring the degree of a friendship should be “good” – how good, rather than “close” – how close. A good friend is not necessarily close; a close friend is not necessarily good.
** John Newton, Ph.D., ''Complete Conduct Principles for the 21st Century'' (2000),  p. 45. {{ISBN|0967370574}}.

* ''Mitfreude, nicht Mitleiden, macht den Freund''.
** Fellowship in joy, not sympathy in sorrow, is what makes friends.
*** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], ''Human, All-too Human'', § 499

* Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.
** [[Anaïs Nin]], Diary entry (March 1937).

* When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing, and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.
** [[Henri Nouwen]], ''Out of Solitude'' (1996).

==O==
* But remember! when it comes to friends, it's not how much time you spend with them, just how you spend it!
** [[w:Eiichiro Oda|Eiichiro Oda]], &quot;Mr. 2 Bon Clay&quot; in ''[[One Piece]]''.

==P==

* We were at the age when a friend's conversation seems like oneself talking, when one shares a life in common the way I still think, bachelor though I am, some married couples are able to live.
** [[Cesare Pavese]], ''The Beach''.

* Love is rarer than genius itself. And friendship is rarer than love.
** [[Charles Péguy]], &quot;The Search for Truth&quot;, ''Basic Verities'' (1943), trans. [[w:Anne Green|Anne]] and [[w:Julien Green|Julien Green]].

* ''Al amigo todo, al enemigo ni justicia.''
** Everything for a friend, not even justice for an enemy.
**[[w:Juan Domingo Perón|Juan Domingo Perón]], as quoted in [http://books.google.com/books?id=wVTUtWafSDYC&amp;pg=PT218&amp;dq=%22al+enemigo+ni+justicia&amp;as_brr=3&amp;ei=vkxSS-HaMoO-zASX383iCw&amp;cd=5#v=onepage&amp;q=%22al%20enemigo%20ni%20justicia&amp;f=false ''Dictatorship, Democracy, and Globalization: Argentina and the Cost of Paralysis, 1973-2001'' (2009)] by Klaus Friedrich Veigel

* Although many scholars and practitioners have assumed that workplace friendships lead to desirable organizational outcomes, a growing body of research suggests important complexities and downsides associated with workplace friendships. This suggests a need to better understand how and when workplace friendships may lead to harmful outcomes, especially in light of organizational and technological shifts that are changing the way employees connect. Drawing on theories of close relationships, social exchange, and boundary management, we present a theoretical framework that highlights how the four defining features of friendship (informality, voluntariness, communal norms, and socio-emotional goals) are in tension with four fundamental elements of organizational life (formal roles, involuntary constraints, exchange norms, and instrumental goals). We also highlight how mutual self-disclosure and perceived similarity develop and deepen friendships but also lead to downsides for individuals, groups, and organizations. We articulate how specific features of a focal friendship clique (e.g., closeness, maturity, and status of members) may amplify or buffer negative aspects and how social media affect friendship formation and tensions. Our theoretical framework should inform new theory and research on positive relationships at work, boundary management of professional and personal identities, and how changes to work and technology affect workplace relationships.
** Pillemer, Julianna; Rothbard, Nancy (2018-02-15). &quot;Friends Without Benefits: Understanding the Dark Sides of Workplace Friendship&quot;. Academy of Management Review: amr.2016.0309. doi:10.5465/amr.2016.0309. ISSN 0363-7425. 

* For all are friends in heaven, all faithful friends;&lt;br&gt;And many friendships in the days of time&lt;br&gt;Begun, are lasting here, and growing still.
** [[Robert Pollok]], ''The Course of Time'' (1827), Book V, line 336.

* Friends given by God in mercy and in love;&lt;br&gt;My counsellors, my comforters, and guides;&lt;br&gt;My joy in grief, my second bliss in joy;&lt;br&gt;Companions of my young desires; in doubt&lt;br&gt;My oracles; my wings in high pursuit.&lt;br&gt;Oh! I remember, and will ne'er forget&lt;br&gt;Our meeting spots, our chosen sacred hours;&lt;br&gt;Our burning words, that utter'd all the soul,&lt;br&gt;Our faces beaming with unearthly love;—&lt;br&gt;Sorrow with sorrow sighing, hope with hope&lt;br&gt;Exulting, heart embracing heart entire.
** [[Robert Pollok]], ''The Course of Time'' (1827), Book V, line 315.

* What ill-starr'd rage&lt;br&gt;Divides a friendship long confirm'd by age?
** [[Alexander Pope]], ''Dunciad''  (1728 to 1743), Book III, line 173.

* Trust not yourself; but your defects to know,&lt;br&gt;Make use of ev'ry friend—and ev'ry foe.
** [[Alexander Pope]], ''[[An Essay on Criticism]]'' (1709), line 214.

* Ah, friend! to dazzle let the vain design;&lt;br&gt;To raise the thought and touch the heart be thine.
** [[Alexander Pope]], ''Moral Essays'' (1731-35), Epistle II, line 248.

==R==
* Our triumphs seem hollow unless we have friends to share them, and our failures are made bearable by their understanding.
** [[James Rachels]], ''The Elements of Moral Philosophy'' (1999), p. 183.

* I shall choose friends among men, but neither slaves nor masters. And I shall choose only such as please me, and them I shall love and respect, but neither command nor obey. And we shall join our hands when we wish, or walk alone when we so desire.
** [[Ayn Rand]], ''Anthem'' (1937).

* “You are my friend,” said the alien, nothing about his voice out of the ordinary. “And from all that is possible, I wish you the best.”
** [[w:Robert Reed (author)|Robert Reed]], ''Hatch'' (2007) in [[w:Gardner Dozois|Gardner Dozois]] &amp; [[w:Jonathan Strahan|Jonathan Strahan]] (eds.) ''[[w:The New Space Opera|The New Space Opera]]'' (mass market paperback edition, {{ISBN|978-0-06-135041-2}}), p. 59

* Although organizational research on workplace friendships is well established, it has been criticized for its predominately postpositivistic outlook, which largely focuses on how workplace friendships can be linked to improving organizational outcomes such as efficiency and performance. As a consequence, other aspects of the lived experiences of work and friendship are obscured, in particular how these friendships are important in their own right and how they function as social and personal relationships. 
** Nick Rumens, [http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0265407516670276?journalCode=spra “Researching workplace friendships: Drawing insights from the sociology of friendship”], ''Journal of Social and Personal Relationships'', Volume: 34 issue: 8, page(s): 1149-1167, (September 22, 2016).

==S==
* A friend in need is a friend indeed.
** Scots proverb, as published in ''Beauties of Allan Ramsay: Being a Selection of the Most Admired Pieces of that Celebrated Author, viz. The Gentle Shepherd; Christ's Kirk on the Green; The Monk, and the Miller's Wife; with his valuable collection of Scots Proverbs'' (1815), &quot;Scots Proverbs&quot; Ch. 1; also quoted in ''[[w:Pure Morning|Pure Morning]]'', a song by [[w:Placebo|Placebo]]

* Old friends are best. King James used to call for his old shoes; they were easiest for his feet.
** [[John Selden]], in &quot;Friends&quot; in ''Table Talk'' (1689).

* The ending inevitably matches the beginning: the person who starts being friends with you because it pays him will similarly cease to be friends with you because it pays him.
** [[Seneca]], ''Letters'', 9 (Robin Campbell trans.)

* Keep thy friend&lt;br&gt;Under thy own life's key.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[All's Well That Ends Well]]'' (1600s), Act I, scene 1, line 75.

* We still have slept together,&lt;br&gt;Rose at an instant, learn'd, play'd, eat together;&lt;br&gt;And wheresoe'er we went, like Juno's swans,&lt;br&gt;Still we went coupled and inseparable.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[As You Like It]]'' (c.1599-1600), Act I, scene 3, line 75.

* Most friendship is feigning.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''As You Like It'' (c.1599-1600), Song, Act II, scene 7, line 181.

* Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried,&lt;br&gt;Grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel;&lt;br&gt;But do not dull thy palm with entertainment&lt;br&gt;Of each new-hatch'd, unfledg'd comrade.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Hamlet]]'' (1600-02), Act I, scene 3, line 59.

* For who not needs shall never lack a friend,&lt;br&gt;And who in want a hollow friend doth try,&lt;br&gt;Directly seasons him his enemy.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''Hamlet'' (1600-02), Act III, scene 2, line 217.

* Out upon this half-fac'd fellowship!
** [[William Shakespeare]], [[Henry IV, Part 1|''Henry IV'', Part I]] (c. 1597), Act I, scene 3, line 208.

* Call you that backing of your friends? A plague upon such backing! give me them that will face me.
** [[William Shakespeare]], [[Henry IV, Part 1|''Henry IV'', Part I]] (c. 1597), Act II, scene 4, line 165.

* Where you are liberal of your loves and counsels&lt;br&gt;Be sure you be not loose; for those you make friends&lt;br&gt;And give your hearts to, when they once perceive&lt;br&gt;The least rub in your fortunes, fall away&lt;br&gt;Like water from ye, never found again&lt;br&gt;But where they mean to sink ye.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Henry VIII (play)|Henry VIII]]'' ([[w:Henry VIII (play)#Date|c. 1613]]), Act II, scene 1, line 126.

* As dear to me as are the ruddy drops&lt;br&gt;That visit my sad heart.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Julius Caesar (play)|Julius Cæsar]]'' (1599), Act II, scene 1, line 290.

* A friend should bear his friend's infirmities,&lt;br&gt;But Brutus makes mine greater than they are.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Julius Caesar (play)|Julius Cæsar]]'' (1599), Act IV, scene 3, line 86.

* To wail friends lost&lt;br&gt;Is not by much so wholesome — profitable,&lt;br&gt;As to rejoice at friends but newly found.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Love's Labour's Lost]]'' (c. 1595-6), Act V, scene 2, line 759.

* When did friendship take&lt;br&gt;A breed for barren metal of his friend?
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[The Merchant of Venice]]'' (late 1590s), Act I, scene 3, line 134.

* I would be friends with you and have your love.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[The Merchant of Venice]]'' (late 1590s), Act I, scene 3, line 139.

* Two lovely berries moulded on one stem:&lt;br&gt;So, with two seeming bodies, but one heart.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[A Midsummer Night's Dream]]'' (c. 1595-96), Act III, scene 2, line 211.

* Friendship is constant in all other things,&lt;br&gt;Save in the office and affairs of love:&lt;br&gt;Therefore, all hearts in love use their own tongues;&lt;br&gt;Let every eye negotiate for itself,&lt;br&gt;And trust no agent.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Much Ado About Nothing]]'' (1598-99), Act II, scene 1, line 182.

* Words are easy, like the wind;&lt;br&gt;Faithful friends are hard to find.
** Attributed to [[William Shakespeare]], ''Passionate Pilgrim''. In Notes and Queries, June, 1918, p. 174, it is suggested that the lines are by Barnfield, being a piracy from Jaggard's publication (1599), a volume containing little of Shakespeare, the majority being pieces by Marlowe, Raleigh, Barnfield, and others.

* I am not of that feather to shake off&lt;br&gt;My friend when he must need me.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Timon of Athens]]'' (date uncertain, published 1623), Act I, scene 1, line 100.

* Friendship's full of dregs.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Timon of Athens]]'' (date uncertain, published 1623), Act I, scene 2, line 240.

* For by these&lt;br&gt;Shall I try friends: you shall perceive how you&lt;br&gt;Mistake my fortunes; I am wealthy in my friends.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Timon of Athens]]'' (date uncertain, published 1623), Act II, scene 2, line 191.

* The amity that wisdom knits not, folly may easily untie.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Troilus and Cressida]]'' (c. 1602), Act II, scene 3, line 110.

* Do I not most effectually destroy my enemies, in making them my friends?
** [[w:Sigismund, Holy Roman Emperor|Sigismund, Holy Roman Emperor]], reported in ''The Sociable Story-Teller'' (Boston: James French, 1846), p. 15.
** This quote is often misattributed to [[Abraham Lincoln]].

* A faithful friend is a sturdy shelter;&lt;br&gt;he who finds one finds a treasure.&lt;br&gt;A faithful friend is beyond price,&lt;br&gt;no sum can balance his worth.
** [[w:Sirach|Sirach]] 6:14-15 ([[w:New American Bible|New American Bible]]).

* A friend loves at all times, and kinsfolk are born to share adversity.
** [[Proverbs of Solomon|Proverbs]] 17:17 (NRSV).

* A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
** [[Proverbs of Solomon|Proverbs]] 18:24 (New International Version).

* Faithful are the wounds of a friend, But deceitful are the kisses of an enemy.
** [[Proverbs of Solomon|Proverbs]] 27:6 (NASB).

* Friends humor and flatter us, they steal our time, they encourage our love of ease, they make us content with ourselves, they are the foes of our virtue and our glory.
** [[John Lancaster Spalding]], ''Aphorisms and Reflections'' (1901), p. 22

* What matter that the man stands for much I cannot love—the moment he touches the realms of truth he enters my world and is my friend.
** [[John Lancaster Spalding]], ''Aphorisms and Reflections'' (1901), p. 89

* If you should die before me, ask if you could bring a friend.
** [[w:Stone Temple Pilots|Stone Temple Pilots]] in &quot;Still Remains&quot; on ''[[w:Purple (album)|Purple]]'' (1994).

* '''That my friend should be well is our wish, and that our enemies should be gone! May those friendly to you reach their goal as a ship does a friendly harbour! May your enemy, like the flood waters of a river, return to his city.'''
** [[Sumerian proverb]], [http://etcsl.orinst.ox.ac.uk/proverbs/t.6.1.11.html Collection XI] at {{w|The Electronic Text Corpus of Sumerian Literature}}, {{w|3rd millennium BCE}}.

* Confidence is the only bond of friendship.
** [[Publilius Syrus]] Maxim 34

==T==
* Many a time,… from a bad beginning great friendships have sprung up.
** [[Terence]], ''[[w:Eunuchus|Eunuchus]]'', Act V, scene 2, 34, line 873.

* It is a maxim of old that among themselves all things are common to friends.
** [[Terence]], ''[[w:Adelphoe|Adelphoe]]'' (''The Brothers''), Act V, scene 3, line 18 (803).

* Friendship is not for merriment but for stern reproach when friends go astray.
** [[Tiruvalluvar]], ''Tirukkural: 784''.

[[File:Ladies%27_Man-_Trump.jpg|thumb|It’s very easy to develop friends but it’s very hard to see whether or not they’re real friends ~ [[Donald Trump]] ]]
* Well, I think it’s easier to develop friendships but I’m not so sure when you get back down to the traditional sense, and that would be the friends that are here in good times and bad. I’m not so sure necessarily how many of those friends would be around if things did take a turn for the worst. I’ve oftentimes thought that I’d like to test some people and find out and just played a little game of doing the testing and which has been done on occasion. But '''it’s very easy to develop friends but it’s very hard to see whether or not they’re real friends'''. 
** [[Donald Trump]], An [https://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-stat/graphics/politics/trump-archive/docs/rona-barrett-1980-interview-of-donald-trump.pdf Interview] with [[w:Rona Barrett|Rona Barrett]] (1980)

==V==
* If our friends do us a service, we think they owe it to us by their title of friend. We never think that they do not owe us their friendship.
** [[Vauvenargues]], ''Reflections and Maxims'', E. Lee, trans. (1903), p. 175

* ''Les méchants n’ont que des complices; les voluptueux ont des compagnons de débauche; les intéressés ont des associés; les politiques assemblent des factieux; le commun des hommes oisifs a des liaisons; les princes ont des courtisans; les hommes vertueux ont seuls des amis''.
** The wicked have only accomplices, the voluptuous have only companions in debauchery; self-seekers have only associates; politicians have only their factions; the generality of idle men has only connections; princes have only courtiers; virtuous men alone possess friends.
** [[Voltaire]], ''Dictionnaire philosophique'', “Amitié”

==W==
* Old friends are the great blessing of one's latter years—half a word conveys one's meaning. They have memory of the same events, and have the same mode of thinking.
** [[Horace Walpole]], in a letter from [[w:Strawberry Hill House|Strawberry Hill]], May 27, 1776, to [[w:Sir Horace Mann, 1st Baronet|Sir Horace Mann, 1st Baronet]], as quoted in {{cite book|editor=Greenwood, Alice Drayton|title=Select Letters of Horace Walpole|year=1914|location=London|publisher=G. Bell &amp; Sons|page=320|url=https://babel.hathitrust.org/cgi/pt?id=uc2.ark:/13960/t4mk6853m&amp;view=1up&amp;seq=344}}

* True friendship is a plant of slow growth, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity before it is entitled to the appellation.
** [[George Washington]], Letter to Bushrod Washington (15 January 1783).

* Laughter is not at all a bad beginning for a friendship, and it is far the best ending for one.
** [[Oscar Wilde]], ''[[The Picture of Dorian Gray]]'' (1891), Ch. 1.

* Anybody can sympathise with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature — it requires, in fact, the nature of a true Individualist — to sympathise with a friend's success.
** [[Oscar Wilde]], ''The Soul of Man under Socialism'' (1891).

* I have lost friends, some by death [...] others through sheer inability to cross the street.
** [[Virginia Woolf]], ''The Waves'' (1931), Ch. 7.

==Y==
*Others because you did not keep
:That deep-sworn vow have been friends of mine;
:Yet always when I look death in the face,
:When I clamber to the heights of sleep,
:Or when I grow excited with wine,
:Suddenly I meet your face.
:*[[William Butler Yeats]], “A Deep-sworn Vow”

* You that would judge me, do not judge alone&lt;br&gt;This book or that, come to this hallowed place&lt;br&gt;Where my friends' portraits hang and look thereon,&lt;br&gt;Ireland's history in their lineaments trace,&lt;br&gt;Think where man's glory most begins and ends,&lt;br&gt;And say my glory was I had such friends.
** [[William Butler Yeats]], ''The Municipal Gallery Re-Visited''.

* And friend received with thumps upon the back.
** [[Edward Young]], ''Love of Fame'' (1725-28), Satire I.

* A friend is worth all hazards we can run.
** [[Edward Young]], ''Night Thoughts'' (1742-1745), Night II, line 571.

* A foe to God was ne'er true friend to man,&lt;br&gt;Some sinister intent taints all he does.
** [[Edward Young]], ''Night Thoughts'' (1742-1745), Night VIII, line 704.

==Z==
* Death is mighty, and is no one's friend.
** [[Roger Zelazny]], ''[[Lord of Light]]'' (1967).

* If you go looking for a friend, you’re going to find they’re very scarce. If you go out to be a friend, you’ll find them everywhere.
** [[Zig Ziglar]] as quoted in ''The Power of Respect : Benefit from the Most Forgotten Element of Success'' (2009) by Deborah Norville, p. 65

==''Respectfully Quoted: A Dictionary of Quotations'' (1989)==
* Give me one friend, just one, who meets&lt;br&gt;The needs of all my varying moods.
** [[Esther M. Clark]], &quot;A Plea,&quot; lines 1 and 2, Verses by a Commonplace Person (1906).

* The happiest business in all the world is that of making friends,And no investment on the street pays larger dividends,For life is more than stocks and bonds, and love than rate percent,And he who gives in friendship's name shall reap what he has spent.
** [[Anne S. Eaton]], &quot;The Business of Friendship,&quot; lines 1–4. Seth Parker, Fireside Poems, p. 34 (1933).

* Never Explain—your Friends do not need it and your Enemies will not believe you anyway
** [[Elbert Hubbard]], The Note Book of Elbert Hubbard, opposite p. 176 (1927).

* But friendship is precious, not only in the shade, but in the sunshine of life; and thanks to a benevolent arrangement of things, the greater part of life is sunshine.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], letter to Maria Cosway, October 12, 1786. The Papers of Thomas Jefferson, ed. Julian P. Boyd, vol. 10, p. 449–50 (1954).

* Our cause, then, must be intrusted to, and conducted by, its own undoubted friends—those whose hands are free, whose hearts are in the work—who do care for the result. Two years ago the Republicans of the nation mustered over thirteen hundred thousand strong. We did this under the single impulse of resistance to a common danger, with every external circumstance against us. Of strange, discordant, and even, hostile elements, we gathered from the four winds, and formed and fought the battle through, under the constant hot fire of a disciplined, proud, and pampered enemy. Did we brave all then to falter now?—now when that same enemy is wavering, dissevered, and belligerent? The result is not doubtful. We shall not fail—if we stand firm, we shall not fail. Wise councils may accelerate or mistakes delay it, but, sooner or later, the victory is sure to come.
** [[Abraham Lincoln]], speech delivered at the close of the Republican state convention, which named him the candidate for the United States Senate, Springfield, Illinois, June 16, 1858. The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln, ed. Roy P. Basler, vol. 2, p. 468–69 (1953).

* When someone asked Abraham Lincoln, after he was elected president, what he was going to do about his enemies, he replied, &quot;I am going to destroy them. I am going to make them my friends.&quot;
** Attributed to [[Abraham Lincoln]]. Reported as unverified in ''Respectfully Quoted: A Dictionary of Quotations'' (1989).

* Think where man's glory most begins and ends,&lt;br&gt;And say my glory was I had such friends.
** [[William Butler Yeats]], &quot;The Municipal Gallery Revisited,&quot; lines 54–55, The Variorum Edition of the Poems of W. B. Yeats, ed. Peter Allt and Russell K. Alspach, p. 604 (1957). Senator George McGovern quoted these words of Yeats's in his concession speech following the 1972 presidential election.

==''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations''==
:&lt;small&gt;Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), &quot;Friends&quot;, p. 296-300; &quot;Friendship&quot;, p. 300-302.&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Most Dangerous Game prey.jpg|thumb|right|Friendship, of itself a holy tie,&lt;br&gt;Is made more sacred by adversity. ~ [[John Dryden]]]]
[[File:John George Brown - Sympathy (1885).jpg|thumb|right|I would not enter on my list of friends
(Though graced with polish'd manners and fine sense,
Yet wanting sensibility) the man
Who needlessly sets foot upon a [[worm]]. ~ [[William Cowper]]]]

* Great souls by instinct to each other turn,&lt;br&gt;Demand alliance, and in friendship burn.
** [[Joseph Addison]], ''The Campaign'', line 102.

* The friendship between me and you I will not compare to a chain; for that the rains might rust, or the falling tree might break.
** [[George Bancroft]], ''History of the United States'', ''William Penn's Treaty with the Indians''.

* It is better to avenge a friend than to mourn for him.
** ''[[Beowulf]]'', VII.

* Friend, of my infinite dreams&lt;br&gt; Little enough endures;&lt;br&gt;Little howe'er it seems,&lt;br&gt; It is yours, all yours.
** [[w:Arthur Benson|Arthur Benson]], ''The Gift''.

* Friendship! mysterious cement of the soul,&lt;br&gt;Sweet'ner of life, and solder of society.
** [[Robert Blair]], ''The Grave'', line 87.

* Let my hand,&lt;br&gt;This hand, lie in your own—my own true friend;&lt;br&gt;Aprile! Hand-in-hand with you, Aprile!
** [[Robert Browning]], ''Paracelsus'', scene 5.

* Hand&lt;br&gt;Grasps at hand, eye lights eye in good friendship,&lt;br&gt;And great hearts expand&lt;br&gt;And grow one in the sense of this world's life.
** [[Robert Browning]], ''Saul'', Stanza 7.

* We twa hae run about the braes,&lt;br&gt;And pu'd the gowans fine.
** [[Robert Burns]], ''Auld Lang Syne''.

* Should auld acquaintance be forgot,&lt;br&gt; And never brought to mind?&lt;br&gt;Should auld acquaintance be forgot,&lt;br&gt; And days o' lang syne?
** [[Robert Burns]], ''Auld Lang Syne''. Burns refers to these words as an old folk song. Early version in James Watson's Collection of Scottish Songs (1711).

* Should old acquaintance be forgot,&lt;br&gt; And never thought upon.
** From an old poem by [[w:Robert Aytoun|Robert Ayton of Kincaldie]]

* Should auld acquaintance be forgot,&lt;br&gt; Though they return with scars.
** Allan Ramsay's Version. See his ''Tea-Table Miscellany'' (1724). Transferred after to Johnson's Musical Museum. See S. J. A. Fitzgerald's Stories of Famous Songs.

* His ancient, trusty, drouthy crony,&lt;br&gt;Tam lo'ed him like a vera brither—&lt;br&gt;They had been fou for weeks thegither!
** [[Robert Burns]], ''Tam o' Shanter''.

* Ah! were I sever'd from thy side,&lt;br&gt;Where were thy friend and who my guide?&lt;br&gt;Years have not seen, Time shall not see&lt;br&gt;The hour that tears my soul from thee.
** [[Lord Byron]], ''Bride of Abydos'' (1813), Canto I, Stanza 11.

* Friendship is Love without his wings!
** [[Lord Byron]], ''L'Amitié est l'Amour sans Ailes'', Stanza 1.

* In friendship I early was taught to believe;&lt;br&gt; * * * * * *&lt;br&gt;I have found that a friend may profess, yet deceive.
** [[Lord Byron]], lines addressed to the Rev. J. T. Becher, Stanza 7.

* 'Twas sung, how they were lovely in their lives,&lt;br&gt;And in their deaths had not divided been.
** [[Thomas Campbell]], ''Gertrude of Wyoming'', Part III, Stanza 33.

* Give me the avowed, the erect, the manly foe;&lt;br&gt;Bold I can meet—perhaps may turn his blow;&lt;br&gt;But of all plagues, good Heaven, thy wrath can send,&lt;br&gt;Save, save, oh! save me from the candid friend.
** [[George Canning]], ''The New Morality''.

* Oh, how you wrong our friendship, valiant youth.&lt;br&gt; With friends there is not such a word as debt:&lt;br&gt;Where amity is ty'd with band of truth,&lt;br&gt; All benefits are there in common set.
** [[w:Elizabeth Carew|Lady Carew]], ''Marian''.

* Greatly his foes he dreads, but more his friends,&lt;br&gt;He hurts me most who lavishly commends.
** [[Charles Churchill]], ''The Apology'', line 19.

* Friends I have made, whom Envy must commend,&lt;br&gt;But not one foe whom I would wish a friend.
** [[Charles Churchill]], ''Conference'', line 297.

* Amicus est tanquam alter idem.
** A friend is, as it were, a second self.
** [[Cicero]], ''De Amicitia'', XXI. 80. (Adapted).

* You must therefore love me, myself, and not my circumstances, if we are to be real friends.
** [[Cicero]], ''De Finibus''. Yonge's translation.

* ''Secundas res splendidiores facit amicitia, et adversas partiens communicansque leviores.''
** Friendship makes prosperity brighter, while it lightens adversity by sharing its griefs and anxieties.
** [[Cicero]], ''De Amicitia'', VI.

* ''Vulgo dicitur multos modios salis simul edendos esse, ut amicitia munus expletum sit.''
** It is a common saying that many pecks of salt must be eaten before the duties of friendship can be discharged.
** [[Cicero]], ''De Amicitia'', XIX.

* Friendship is a sheltering tree.
** [[Samuel Taylor Coleridge]], ''Youth and Age''.

* Our very best friends have a tincture of jealousy even in their friendship; and when they hear us praised by others, will ascribe it to sinister and interested motives if they can.
** [[Charles Caleb Colton]], ''Lacon'', p. 80.

* ''Soyons amis, Cinna, c'est moi qui t'en convie.''
** Let us be friends, Cinna, it is I who invite you to be so.
** [[Pierre Corneille]], ''Cinna'', V. 3.

* The man that hails you Tom or Jack,&lt;br&gt;And proves by thumps upon your back&lt;br&gt; How he esteems your merit,&lt;br&gt;Is such a friend, that one had need&lt;br&gt;Be very much his friend indeed&lt;br&gt; To pardon or to bear it.
** [[William Cowper]], ''On Friendship'', 169.

* As we sail through life towards death,&lt;br&gt;Bound unto the same port—heaven,—&lt;br&gt;Friend, what years could us divide?
** [[Dinah Craik]], ''Thirty Years'', ''A Christmas Blessing''.

* Then come the wild weather, come sleet or come snow,&lt;br&gt;We will stand by each other, however it blow.
** [[w:Simon Dach|Simon Dach]], ''Annie of Tharaw''. Longfellow's trans, line 7.

* ''Le sort fait les parents, le choix fait les amis.''
** Chance makes our parents, but choice makes our friends.
** [[Jacques Delille]], ''Pitié

* ''Les amis—ces parents que l'on se fait soi-même.''
** Friends, those relations that one makes for one's self.
** [[Eustache Deschamps]], ''L'Ami''.

* &quot;Wal'r, my boy,&quot; replied the captain; &quot;in the Proverbs of Solomon you will find the following words: 'May we never want a friend in need, nor a bottle to give him!' When found, make a note of.&quot;
** [[Charles Dickens]], ''Dombey and Son'', Volume I, Chapter XV.

* What is the odds so long as the fire of souls is kindled at the taper of conwiviality, and the wing of friendship never moults a feather?
** Charles Dickens, ''Old Curiosity Shop'', Chapter II.

* Fan the sinking flame of hilarity with the wing of friendship; and pass the rosy wine.
** Charles Dickens, ''Old Curiosity Shop'', Chapter VII.

* The pain of parting is nothing to the joy of meeting again.
** [[Charles Dickens]], ''[[w:The Life and Adventures of Nicholas Nickleby|The Life and Adventures of Nicholas Nickleby]]''(1838–1839), Chapter 3.

* For friendship, of itself a holy tie,&lt;br&gt;Is made more sacred by adversity.
** [[John Dryden]], ''The Hind and the Panther'' (1687), Part III, line 47.

* Be kind to my remains; and O defend,&lt;br&gt;Against your judgment, your departed friend.
** [[John Dryden]], ''Epistle to Congreve'', line 72.

* The poor make no new friends;&lt;br&gt; But oh, they love the better still&lt;br&gt;The few our Father sends.
** [[Helen Blackwood, Baroness Dufferin and Claneboye]], ''Lament of the Irish Emigrant''.

* Forsake not an old friend, for the new is not comparable unto him. A new friend is as new wine: when it is old thou shalt drink it with pleasure.
** Ecclesiasticus, IX. 10.

* The fallying out of faithful frends is the reunyng of love.
** [[Richard Edwards]], ''The Paradise of Dainty Devices'', No. 42, Stanza 1.

* Animals are such agreeable friends—they ask no questions, they pass no criticisms.
** [[George Eliot]], ''Mr. Gilfil's Love-Story'', Chapter VII.

* Friendships begin with liking or gratitude—roots that can be pulled up.
** George Eliot, ''Daniel Deronda'' (1876), Book IV, Chapter XXXII.

* So, if I live or die to serve my friend,&lt;br&gt;'Tis for my love —' tis for my friend alone,&lt;br&gt;And not for any rate that friendship bears&lt;br&gt;In heaven or on earth.
** [[George Eliot]], ''Spanish Gypsy''.

* To act the part of a true friend requires more conscientious feeling than to fill with credit and complacency any other station or capacity in social life.
** [[w: Sarah Stickney Ellis| Sarah Stickney Ellis]], ''Pictures of Private Life'', Second Series, ''The Pains of Pleasing'', Chapter IV.

* A day for toil, an hour for sport,&lt;br&gt;But for a friend is life too short.
** [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], ''Considerations by the Way''.

* Friendship should be surrounded with ceremonies and respects, and not crushed into corners. Friendship requires more time than poor, busy men can usually command.
** [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], ''Essays'', Behavior.

* The highest compact we can make with our fellow is, — Let there be truth between us two forevermore. * * * It is sublime to feel and say of another, I need never meet, or speak, or write to him; we need not reinforce ourselves or send tokens of remembrance; I rely on him as on myself; if he did thus or thus, I know it was right.
** [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], ''Essays'', Behavior.

* I hate the prostitution of the name of friendship to signify modish and worldly alliances.
** [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], ''Essays'', ''Of Friendship

* The condition which high friendship demands is ability to do without it.
** [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], ''Essays'', ''Of Friendship

* There can never be deep peace between two spirits, never mutual respect, until, in their dialogue, each stands for the whole world.
** [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], ''Essays'', ''Of Friendship

* A sudden thought strikes me—Let us swear an eternal friendship.
** [[John H. Frere]], ''The Rovers'', Act I.

* Friendship, like love, is but a name,&lt;br&gt;Unless to one you stint the flame.
** [[John Gay]], ''The Hare with Many Friends''.

* To friendship every burden's light.
** [[John Gay]], ''The Hare with Many Friends''.

* Who friendship with a knave hath made,&lt;br&gt;Is judg'd a partner in the trade.
** [[John Gay]], ''Old Woman and Her Cats''.

* 'Tis thus that on the choice of friends&lt;br&gt;Our good or evil name depends.
** [[John Gay]], ''Old Woman and Her Cats'', Part I.

* An open foe may prove a curse,&lt;br&gt;But a pretended friend is worse.
** [[John Gay]], ''Shepherd's Dog and the Wolf'', line 33.

* ''Wer nicht die Welt in seinen Freunden sieht&lt;br&gt;Verdient nicht, dass die Welt von ihm erfahre.''
** He who does not see the whole world in his friends, does not deserve that the world should hear of him.
** [[Johann Wolfgang von Goethe]], ''Torquato Tasso'', I. 3. 68.

* And what is friendship but a name,&lt;br&gt; A charm that lulls to sleep;&lt;br&gt;A shade that follows wealth or fame,&lt;br&gt; And leaves the wretch to weep?
** [[Oliver Goldsmith]], ''Edwin and Angelina, or The Hermit'', Stanza 19.

* Dear lost companions of my tuneful art,&lt;br&gt; Dear as the light that visits these sad eyes,&lt;br&gt;Dear as the ruddy drops that warm my heart.
** [[Thomas Gray]], ''The Bard'', Stanza 3.

* A favourite has no friend.
** [[Thomas Gray]], ''On a Favourite Cat Drowned'', Stanza 6.

* We never know the true value of friends. While they live, we are too sensitive of their faults; when we have lost them, we only see their virtues.
** J. C. and A. W. Hare, ''Guesses at Truth''.

* Friendship closes its eye, rather than see the moon eclipst; while malice denies that it is ever at the full.
** J. C. and A. W. Hare, ''Guesses at Truth''.

* Friendship is Love, without either flowers or veil.
** J. C. and A. W. Hare, ''Guesses at Truth''.

* Devout, yet cheerful; pious, not austere;&lt;br&gt;To others lenient, to himself sincere.
** [[J. M. Harvey]], ''On a Friend''.

* Before you make a friend eat a bushel of salt with him.
** [[George Herbert]], ''Jacula Prudentum'' (1651).

* For my boyhood's friend hath fallen, the pillar of my trust,&lt;br&gt;The true, the wise, the beautiful, is sleeping in the dust.
** [[w:George Stillman Hillard|George Stillman Hillard]], ''On Death of Motley''.

* Fast as the rolling seasons bring&lt;br&gt; The hour of fate to those we love,&lt;br&gt;Each pearl that leaves the broken string&lt;br&gt; Is set in Friendship's crown above.&lt;br&gt;As narrower grows the earthly chain,&lt;br&gt; The circle widens in the sky;&lt;br&gt;These are our treasures that remain,&lt;br&gt; But those are stars that beam on high.
** [[Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.]], ''Songs of Many Seasons'', ''Our Classmate, F. W. C.'', 1864.

* A generous friendship no cold medium knows,&lt;br&gt;Burns with one love, with one resentment glows;&lt;br&gt;One should our interests and our passions be,&lt;br&gt;My friend must hate the man that injures me.
** [[Homer]], ''The Iliad'', Book IX, line 725. Pope's translation.

* Two friends, two bodies with one soul inspir'd.
** [[Homer]], ''The Iliad'', Book XVI, line 267. Pope's translation.

* Dulcis inexpertis cultura potentis amici;&lt;br&gt;Expertus metuit.
** To have a great man for an intimate friend seems pleasant to those who have never tried it; those who have, fear it.
** [[Horace]], ''Epistles'', I. 18. 86.

* True friends appear less mov'd than counterfeit.
** [[Horace]], ''Of the Art of Poetry'', line 486. Wentworth Dillon's translation.

* The new is older than the old;&lt;br&gt;And newest friend is oldest friend in this:&lt;br&gt;That, waiting him, we longest grieved to miss&lt;br&gt;One thing we sought.
** [[Helen Hunt Jackson]], ''My New Friend''.

* If a man does not make new acquaintances, as he advances through life, he will soon find himself left alone. A man, Sir, should keep his friendship in constant repair.
** [[Samuel Johnson]], reported in [[James Boswell]], ''Life of Johnson'' (1755).

* Friendship, peculiar boon of Heaven,&lt;br&gt; The noble mind's delight and pride,&lt;br&gt;To men and angels only given,&lt;br&gt; To all the lower world denied.
** [[Samuel Johnson]], ''Friendship'', ''An Ode''.

* The endearing elegance of female friendship.
** [[Samuel Johnson]], ''Rasselas'', Chapter XLVI.

* To let friendship die away by negligence and silence, is certainly not wise. It is voluntarily to throw away one of the greatest comforts of this weary pilgrimage.
** [[Samuel Johnson]], ''[[w:The Life of Samuel Johnson|Life of Samuel Johnson]]'' (1791), Vol IV. March 20, 1782.

* True happiness&lt;br&gt;Consists not in the multitude of friends,&lt;br&gt;But in the worth and choice. Nor would I have&lt;br&gt;Virtue a popular regard pursue:&lt;br&gt;Let them be good that love me, though but few.
** [[Ben Jonson]], ''Cynthia's Revels, Act III, scene 2.

* 'Tis sweet, as year by year we lose&lt;br&gt;Friends out of sight, in faith to muse&lt;br&gt;How grows in Paradise our store.
** [[John Keble]], ''Burial of the Dead'', Stanza 11.

* One faithful Friend is enough for a man's self, 'tis much to meet with such an one, yet we can't have too many for the sake of others.
** [[Jean de La Bruyère]], ''The Characters or Manners of the Present Age'' (1688), Chapter V.

* In Friendship we only see those faults which may be prejudicial to our friends. In love we see no faults but those by which we suffer ourselves.
** [[Jean de La Bruyère]], ''The Characters or Manners of the Present Age'' (1688), Chapter V.

* Love and friendship exclude each other.
** [[Jean de La Bruyère]], ''The Characters or Manners of the Present Age'' (1688), Chapter V.

* Pure friendship is something which men of an inferior intellect can never taste.
** [[Jean de La Bruyère]], ''The Characters or Manners of the Present Age'' (1688), Chapter V.

* Friend of my bosom, thou more than a brother,&lt;br&gt;Why wert not thou born in my father's dwelling?
** [[Charles Lamb]], ''The Old Familiar Faces''.

* * The better part of one's life consists of his friendships.
** [[Abraham Lincoln]], [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln2/1:88.1?rgn=div2;view=fulltext Letter to Joseph Gillespie] (13 July 1849).

* I desire so to conduct the affairs of this administration that if at the end, when I come to lay down the reins of power, I have lost every other friend on earth, I shall at least have one friend left, and that friend shall be down inside of me.
** [[Abraham Lincoln]], ''Reply to Missouri Committee of Seventy'' (1864).

* Alas! to-day I would give everything&lt;br&gt;To see a friend's face, or hear a voice&lt;br&gt;That had the slightest tone of comfort in it.
** [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]], ''Judas Maccabæus'', Act IV, scene 3, line 32.

* My designs and labors&lt;br&gt;And aspirations are my only friends.
** [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]], ''Masque of Pandora'', ''Tower of Prometheus on Mount Caucasus'', Part III, line 74.

* Ah, how good it feels!&lt;br&gt;The hand of an old friend.
** [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]], ''New England Tragedies''; ''John Endicott'', Act IV, scene 1.

* ''Quien te conseja encobria de tus amigos.&lt;br&gt;Engañar te quiere assaz, y sin testigos.''
** He who advises you to be reserved to your friends wishes to betray you without witnesses.
** [[w:Juan Manuel, Prince of Villena|Juan Manuel, Prince of Villena]] in ''[[w:Tales of Count Lucanor|Tales of Count Lucanor]]'' (1575).

* ''Nulla fides regni sociis omnisque potestas&lt;br&gt;Impatiens consortis erit.''
** There is no friendship between those associated in power; he who rules will always be impatient of an associate.
** [[Marcus Annaeus Lucanus]], Pharsalia. I. 92.

* Let the falling out of friends be a renewing of affection.
** [[John Lyly]], ''Euphues''.

* Women, like princes, find few real friends.
** [[George Lyttelton, 1st Baron Lyttelton]], ''Advice to a Lady'', Stanza 2.

* A true [[friend]] is forever a friend.
** [[George MacDonald]], ''The Marquis of Lossie'' (1877).

* Friends are like melons. Shall I tell you why?&lt;br&gt;To find one good, you must a hundred try.
** [[w:fr:Claude Mermet|Claude Mermet]], ''Epigram on Friends''.

* My fair one, let us swear an eternal friendship.
** [[Molière]], Le Bourgeois Gentilhomme, Act IV, scene 1.

* The wiser a man becomes the more numerous are the men whom he dislikes, only if he is really wise, he does not tell anyone of his dislikes, unless he finds it necessary to cement a friendship with a man (or a woman) by talking about a mutual enemy.  There is no stronger bond of friendship than a common enemy.
** [[w:Frank Frankfort Moore|F. Frankfort Moore]], ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=q3VUAAAAYAAJ&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;dq=inauthor:%22Frankfort+Moore%22+%22A+Trial+Marriage%22&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0ahUKEwik1b3j4bXRAhUH-2MKHQO7DF4Q6AEIHDAA#v=onepage&amp;q=inauthor%3A%22Frankfort%20Moore%22%20%22A%20Trial%20Marriage%22&amp;f=false A Trial Marriage]'', p. 9

* Oh, call it by some better name,&lt;br&gt;For Friendship sounds too cold.
** [[Thomas Moore]], Oh, call it by some better Name.

* Forsooth, brethren, fellowship is heaven and lack of fellowship is hell; fellowship is life and lack of fellowship is death; and the deeds that ye do upon the earth, it is for fellowship's sake that ye do them.
** [[William Morris]], ''Dream of John Ball'', Chapter IV.

* We have been friends together&lt;br&gt;In sunshine and in shade.
** Caroline E. S. Norton ''We Have Been Friends''.

* ''Vulgus amicitias utilitate probat.''
** The vulgar herd estimate friendship by its advantages.
** [[Ovid]], ''Epistolæ Ex Ponto'', II. 3. 8.

* ''Scilicet ut fulvum spectatur in ignibus aurum&lt;br&gt;Tempore in duro est inspicienda fides.''
** As the yellow gold is tried in fire, so the faith of friendship must be seen in adversity.
** [[Ovid]], ''Tristium'', I. 5. 25.

* ''Cætera fortunæ, non mea, turba fuit.''
** The rest of the crowd were friends of my fortune, not of me.
** [[Ovid]], ''Tristium'', I. 5. 34.

* Prosperity makes friends and adversity tries them.
** Idea found in [[Plautus]], ''Stich'', IV. 1. 16. [[Ovid]], ''Epigram ex Ponto'', II. 3. 23. [[Ovid]], ''Trist.'' I. 9. 5. [[Ennius]], ''Cic. Amicit'', Chapter XVII. [[Metastasio]], ''Olimpiade'', III. 3. [[Johann Gottfried Herder]], ''Denksprüche''. [[Pedro Calderón de la Barca]], ''Secret in Words'', Act III, scene 3. [[Menander]], ''Ex Incest. Comoed'', p. 272. [[Aristotle]], ''Ethics'' VIII. 4. [[Euripides]], ''Hecuba'', line 1226.

* ''Quod tuum'st meum'st; omne meum est autem tuum.''
** What is thine is mine, and all mine is thine.
** [[Plautus]], ''Trinummus'', II. 2. 47.

* There is nothing that is meritorious but virtue and friendship; and indeed friendship itself is only a part of virtue.
** [[Alexander Pope]], reported in Johnson's ''Lives of the Poets''; ''Life of Pope''.

* Absent or dead, still let a friend be dear,&lt;br&gt;(A sigh the absent claims, the dead a tear.)
** Alexander Pope, ''Epistle to Robert, Earl of Oxford''.

* A man that hath friends must show himself friendly; and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.
** Proverbs, XVIII. 24.

* Faithful are the wounds of a friend.
** Proverbs, XXVII. 6.

* Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.
** Proverbs, XXVII. 17.

* Mine own familiar friend.
** Psalms. XLI. 9.

* Our triumphs seem hollow unless we have friends to share them, and our failures are made bearable by their understanding.
** [[James Rachels]], ''The Elements of Moral Philosophy'', 1986.

* There is no treasure the which may be compared unto a faithful friend;&lt;br&gt;Gold soone decayeth, and worldly wealth consumeth, and wasteth in the winde;&lt;br&gt;But love once planted in a perfect and pure minde indureth weale and woe;&lt;br&gt;The frownes of fortune, come they never so unkinde, cannot the same overthrowe.
** Roxburghe Ballads. ''The Bride's Good-Morrow''. Ed. by John Payne Collier.

* ''Idem velle et idem nolle ea demum firma amicitia est.''
** To desire the same things and to reject the same things, constitutes true friendship.
** [[Sallust]], ''Catilina'', XX. From Catiline's Oration to his Associates.

* Saul and Jonathan were lovely and pleasant in their lives, and in their death they were not divided.
** 2 Samuel. 1:23.

* Dear is my friend—yet from my foe, as from my friend, comes good:&lt;br&gt;My friend shows what I can do, and my foe what I should.
** [[Friedrich Schiller]], ''Votive Tablets'', ''Friend and Foe''.

* ''Amicitia semper prodest, amor etiam aliquando nocet.''
** Friendship always benefits; love sometimes injures.
** [[Seneca the Younger]], ''Epistolæ Ad Lucilium'', XXXV.

* To hear him speak, and sweetly smile&lt;br&gt;You were in Paradise the while.
** Sir [[Philip Sidney]], ''Friend's Passion for his Astrophel''. Attributed also to Spenser and Roydon.

* Madam, I have been looking for a person who disliked gravy all my life; let us swear eternal friendship.
** [[Sydney Smith]], in ''Lady Holland's Memoir'' (1855) , p. 257; &quot;Let us swear an eternal friendship. Poetry of the Anti-Jacobin. The Rovers&quot;.

* Life is to be fortified by many friendships. To love, and to be loved, is the greatest happiness of existence.
** [[Sydney Smith]], ''Lady Holland's Memoir'' (1855), &quot;Of Friendship&quot;.

* For to cast away a virtuous friend, I call as bad as to cast away one's own life, which one loves best.
** [[Sophocles]], ''Œdipus Tyrannis''. Oxford translation. Revised by Buckley.

* For whoever knows how to return a kindness he has received must be a friend above all price.
** [[Sophocles]], ''Philoctetes''. Oxford translation. Revised by Buckley.

* 'Tis something to be willing to commend;&lt;br&gt;But my best praise is, that I am your friend.
** [[Thomas Southerne]], ''To Mr. Congreve on the Old Bachelor'', last lines.

* It's an owercome sooth fo' age an' youth,&lt;br&gt; And it brooks wi' nae denial,&lt;br&gt;That the dearest friends are the auldest friends,&lt;br&gt; And the young are just on trial.
** [[Robert Louis Stevenson]], ''Underwoods'', ''It's an Owercome Sooth''.

* I thought you and he were hand-in-glove.
** [[Jonathan Swift]], ''Polite Conversation'' (c. 1738), Dialogue II.

* ''Amici vitium ni feras, prodis tuum''.
** Unless you bear with the faults of a friend you betray your own.
** [[Syrus]], ''Maxims''.

* ''Amicum lædere ne joco quidem licet''.
** A friend must not be injured, even in jest.
** [[Syrus]], ''Maxims''.

* ''Secrete amicos admone, lauda palam''.
** Reprove your friends in secret, praise them openly.
** [[Syrus]], ''Maxims''.

* A good man is the best friend, and therefore soonest to be chosen, longer to be retained; and indeed, never to be parted with, unless he cease to be that for which he was chosen.
** [[Jeremy Taylor]], ''A Discourse of the Nature, Measures, and Offices of Friendship''.

* Choose for your friend him that is wise and good, and secret and just, ingenious and honest, and in those things which have a latitude, use your own liberty.
** [[Jeremy Taylor]], ''A Discourse of the Nature, Measures, and Offices of Friendship''.

* When I choose my friend, I will not stay till I have received a kindness; but I will choose such a one that can do me many if I need them; but I mean such kindnesses which make me wiser, and which make me better.
** [[Jeremy Taylor]], ''A Discourse of the Nature, Measures, and Offices of Friendship''.

* Friendship is like rivers, and the strand of seas, and the air, common to all the world; but tyrants, and evil customs, wars, and want of love, have made them proper and peculiar.
** [[Jeremy Taylor]], ''A Discourse of the Nature, Measures, and Offices of Friendship''.

* Nature and religion are the bands of friendship, excellence and usefulness are its great endearments.
** [[Jeremy Taylor]], ''A Discourse of the Nature, Measures, and Offices of Friendship''.

* Some friendships are made by nature, some by contract, some by interest, and some by souls.
** [[Jeremy Taylor]], ''A Discourse of the Nature, Measures, and Offices of Friendship''.

* O friendship, equal-poised control,&lt;br&gt; O heart, with kindliest motion warm,&lt;br&gt; O sacred essence, other form,&lt;br&gt;O solemn ghost, O crowned soul!
** [[Alfred Tennyson]], ''[[In Memoriam A.H.H.]]'' (1849), LXXXV.

* Then came your new friend: you began to change—&lt;br&gt;I saw it and grieved.
** Alfred Tennyson, ''The Princess'' (1847), IV, line 279.

* ''Ego meorum solus sum meus.''
** Of my friends I am the only one I have left.
** [[Terence]], ''Phormio'', IV. 1. 21.

* ''Fidus Achates.''
** Faithful Achates (companion of Æneas).
** [[Virgil]], ''[[w:Aeneid|Æneid]]'' (29-19 BC), VI. 158.

* God save me from my friends, I can protect myself from my enemies.
** Attributed to [[Claude Louis Hector de Villars]] on taking leave of [[w:Louis XIV of France|Louis XIV]]

* True friendship is a plant of slow growth, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity, before it is entitled to the appellation.
** [[George Washington]], ''Social Maxims'', ''Friendship''.

* A slender acquaintance with the world must convince every man, that actions, not words, are the true criterion of the attachment of friends; and that the most liberal professions of good-will are very far from being the surest marks of it.
** [[George Washington]], ''Social Maxims'', ''Friendship'', ''Actions, not Words''.

* I have friends in Spirit Land,—&lt;br&gt;Not shadows in a shadowy band,&lt;br&gt;Not others but themselves are they,&lt;br&gt;And still I think of them the same&lt;br&gt;As when the Master's summons came.
** [[John Greenleaf Whittier]], ''Lucy Hooper''.

* Poets, like friends to whom you are in debt, you hate.
** [[William Wycherley]], ''The Plain Dealer'', Prologue.

* Friendship's the wine of life: but friendship new * * * is neither strong nor pure.
** [[Edward Young]], ''Night Thoughts'' (1742-1745), Night II, line 582.

==''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895)==
:&lt;small&gt;Quotes reported in Josiah Hotchkiss Gilbert, ''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895).&lt;/small&gt;
* I consider beyond all wealth, honor, or even health, is the attachment due to noble souls; because to become one with the good, generous, and true, is to be, in a manner, good, generous, and true yourself.
** Dr. [[Thomas Arnold]], p. 254.

* The friendship of high and sanctified spirits loses nothing by death but its alloy; failings disappear, and the virtues of those whose faces we shall behold no more appear greater and more sacred when beheld through the shades of the sepulchre.
** [[Robert Hall]], p. 254.

* Character is so largely affected by associations that we cannot afford to be indifferent as to who and what our friends are. They write their names in our albums, but they do more, they help make us what we are. Be therefore careful in selecting them; and when wisely selected, never sacrifice them.
** M. Hulburd, p. 255.

* Friendship is a cadence of divine melody melting through the heart.
** Charles Mildway, p. 255.

* A good man is the best friend, and therefore soonest to be chosen, longest to be retained, and indeed never to be parted with, unless he cease to be that for which he was chosen.
** [[Jeremy Taylor]], p. 254.

==See also==
* [[Love]]

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      <text bytes="99127" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Voltaire Houdon dessin.jpg|thumb|The wicked have only accomplices, the voluptuous have only companions in debauchery; self-seekers have only associates; politicians have only their factions; the generality of idle men has only connections; princes have only courtiers; virtuous men alone possess friends. ~ [[Voltaire]]]]
[[File:This morning we caught a rainbow.jpg|thumb|right|Your friends will know you better in the first minute you meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years. ~ [[Richard Bach]]]]
:&lt;small&gt;''&quot;Friends&quot; redirects here, for the television series, see [[Friends (TV series)]].''&lt;/small&gt;
'''[[w:Friendship|Friendship]]''' is a term which is used to denote co-operative and supportive behavior between two or more people. It can be taken to mean a supportive relationship which involves mutual knowledge, esteem, and affection.
__NOTOC__
{{TOCalpha|''[[#Respectfully Quoted: A Dictionary of Quotations (1989)|Respectfully&amp;nbsp;Quoted:&amp;nbsp;A&amp;nbsp;Dictionary&amp;nbsp;of&amp;nbsp;Quotations]]'' · ''[[#Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations|Hoyt's&amp;nbsp;New&amp;nbsp;Cyclopedia&amp;nbsp;Of&amp;nbsp;Practical&amp;nbsp;Quotations]]'' · ''[[#Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers (1895)|Dictionary&amp;nbsp;of&amp;nbsp;Burning&amp;nbsp;Words&amp;nbsp;of&amp;nbsp;Brilliant&amp;nbsp;Writers]]'' }}
[[File:Waltzing together statue.jpg|thumb|right|What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies. ~ [[Aristotle]]]]
[[File:Johann Jakob Dorner d Ä (attr) Aristoteles.jpg|thumb|right|The best friend is the man who in wishing me well wishes it for my sake. ~ [[Aristotle]]]]
[[File:Fidelia and Speranza by Benjamin West, Timken Museum of Art.JPG|thumb|right|Friends are those who believe in us and who want to help us whatever it is that we are trying to achieve. ~ [[Aung San Suu Kyi]]]]
[[File:The Beatles in America.JPG|thumb|right|I get by with a little help from my friends. ~ [[The Beatles]]]]
[[File:Hermann Kern Gute Freunde 1904.jpg|thumb|right|Love is only chatter,&lt;br&gt;Friends are all that matter. ~ [[Gelett Burgess]]]]
[[File:Catilina2-Maccari affresco.jpg|thumb|right|To desire the same things and to reject the same things, constitutes true friendship. ~ [[w:Catiline|Catiline]]]]
[[File:Hands4 Overlaying.jpg|thumb|right|Friendship makes prosperity more shining and lessens adversity by dividing and sharing it. ~ [[Cicero]]]]
[[File:West, Benjamin - Cicero and the magistrates discovering the tomb of Archimedes.JPG|thumb|right|We are not born, we do not live for ourselves alone; our country, our friends, have a share in us.
 ~ [[Cicero]]]]
[[File:The Young Cicero Reading.jpg|thumb|right|A friend is, as it were, a second self. ~ [[Cicero]]]]
[[File:Emirgan 04589.jpg|thumb|right|Friendship is a sheltering tree. ~ [[Samuel Taylor Coleridge]]]]
[[File:Hirundo rustica young male spring NRM.jpg|thumb|right|When the daylight's gone, &amp; you're on your own &lt;br/&gt; And you need a friend, just to be around&lt;br/&gt;I will comfort you, I will take your hand&lt;br/&gt;And I'll pull you through, I will understand ~ [[w:The Corrs|The Corrs]]]]
[[File:Gustave Courbet 014.jpg|thumb|right|Oh, the comfort — the inexpressible comfort of feeling ''safe'' with a person — having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away. ~ [[Dinah Craik]]]]
[[File:The Best Things in Life Are Free.jpg|thumb|right|A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere. Before him, I may think aloud. ~ [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]]]]
[[File:Full Spectrum Team Waving.jpg|thumb|right|The only way to have a friend is to be one. ~ [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]]]]
[[File:Kids 09185.JPG|thumb|right|The highest compact we can make with our fellow is, — Let there be truth between us two forevermore. ~ [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]]]]
[[File:Epicurus Louvre.jpg|right|thumb|Of all the means which [[wisdom]] acquires to ensure [[happiness]] throughout the whole of [[life]], by far the most important is friendship. ~ [[Epicurus]] ]]
[[File:Christian Anarchist Blot.svg |thumb|right|Never explain — your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe you anyhow. ~ [[Elbert Hubbard]]]]
[[File:Aivazovsky, Ivan - The Ninth Wave.jpg |thumb|right|The finest friendships are between those who can do without each other. ~ [[Elbert Hubbard]]]]
[[File:William-Adolphe Bouguereau (1825-1905) - Compassion (1897).jpg|thumb|right|Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. ~ [[Jesus]]]]
[[File:Edward Armitage - Julian the Apostate presiding at a conference of sectarian - 1875.jpg|thumb|right|Choose your friends, then treat them as friends; do not regard them like slaves or servants, but associate with them frankly and simply and generously; not saying one thing of them and thinking something else. ~ [[Julian (emperor)|Julian]]]]
[[File:Sunset Cliff.jpg|thumb|right|To let friendship die away by negligence and silence, is certainly not wise. It is voluntarily to throw away one of the greatest comforts of this weary pilgrimage. ~ [[Samuel Johnson]]]]
[[File:Abraham Lincoln circa 1860.png |thumb|right| The better part of one's life consists of his friendships. ~ [[Abraham Lincoln]]]]
[[File:Ridolfo_del_Ghirlandaio_001.jpg|right|thumb|Friendships that are won by awards, and not by [[greatness]] and [[nobility]] of soul, although deserved, yet are not real, and cannot be depended upon in time of [[adversity]]. ~ [[Niccolò Machiavelli]] ]]
[[File:Friendship 4.jpg|thumb|right|A friendship that can be ended didn't ever start. ~ [[Mellin de Saint-Gelais]]]]
[[File:Ridolfo del Ghirlandaio 001.jpg|thumb|right|Friendships that are won by awards, and not by greatness and nobility of soul, although deserved, yet are not real, and cannot be depended upon in time of adversity. ~ [[Niccolò Machiavelli]]]]
[[File:Hermandad - friendship.jpg|thumb|right|Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born. ~ [[Anaïs Nin]]]]
[[File:Vlas blauwbloeiend (Linum usitatissimum).jpg|thumb|right|Friends, the soil is poor, we must sow seeds in plenty for us to garner even modest harvests... ~ [[Novalis]]]]
[[File:Halo solaire 21112006 003.jpg|thumb|right|When it comes to friends, it's not how much time you spend with them, just how you spend it! ~ [[w:Eiichiro Oda|Eiichiro Oda]]]]
[[File:Hubble2005-01-barred-spiral-galaxy-NGC1300.jpg|thumb|right|For all are friends in heaven, all faithful friends;&lt;br&gt;And many friendships in the days of time&lt;br&gt;Begun, are lasting here, and growing still. ~ [[Robert Pollok]]]]
[[File:Harmodius and Aristogeiton.jpg|thumb|right|It is something that grows over time... a true friendship. A feeling in the heart that becomes even stronger through time...The passion of friendship will soon blossom into a righteous power and through it, you'll know which way to go... ~ &quot;Sheik&quot;, ''[[The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time]]'']]
[[File:Lincoln inaugural bible 2.jpg|thumb|right|A faithful friend is a sturdy shelter;&lt;br&gt;he who finds one finds a treasure.&lt;br&gt;A faithful friend is beyond price,&lt;br&gt;no sum can balance his worth. ~ [[w:Sirach|Sirach]]]]
[[File:Friendship (dogs).jpg|thumb|right|Life is to be fortified by many friendships. To love, and to be loved, is the greatest happiness of existence. ~ [[Sydney Smith]]]]
[[File:The Flood, by Paul Merwart.jpg|thumb|right|Misfortune shows those who are not really friends. ~ [[Aristotle]]]]
[[File:Kurdish YPG Fighters (16050762203).jpg|thumb|That my friend should be well is our wish, and that our enemies should be gone! May those friendly to you reach their goal as a ship does a friendly harbour! May your enemy, like the flood waters of a river, return to his city. ~ [[Sumerian proverb]]]]
[[File:Johann Heinrich Füssli 015.jpg|thumb|right|Many a time,… from a bad beginning great friendships have sprung up. ~ [[Terence]]]]
[[File:Best Frends Forever - Golden Gate bridge guard rail 166.jpg|thumb|right|All things are common to friends. ~ [[Terence]]]]
[[File:G W Russell Bathers.jpg|thumb|right|Friendship is not for merriment but for stern reproach when friends go astray. ~ [[Tiruvalluvar]]]]
[[File:Rosa Gold Glow 2.jpg|thumb|right|True friendship is a plant of slow growth, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity before it is entitled to the appellation. ~ [[George Washington]]]]
[[File:Rose Cross Lamen.svg|thumb|right|Think where man's glory most begins and ends,&lt;br&gt;And say my glory was I had such friends. ~ [[William Butler Yeats]]]]
[[File:SépultureCathelineau.JPG|thumb|right|Death is mighty, and is no one's friend. ~ [[Roger Zelazny]], ''[[Lord of Light]]'']]
[[File:Holding Hands shadow on sand cropped.png|thumb|right|I shall choose friends among men, but neither slaves nor masters. And I shall choose only such as please me, and them I shall love and respect, but neither command nor obey. And we shall join our hands when we wish, or walk alone when we so desire. ~ [[Ayn Rand]], in Anthem]]
[[File:Trifolium arvense - kassiristik Keilas.jpg|thumb|right|Keep thy friend&lt;br&gt;Under thy own life's key. ~ [[William Shakespeare]]]]
== A ==
* Friends are born, not made.
** [[Henry Adams]], ''The Education of Henry Adams'' (1907), Ch. VII.

* One friend in a life time is much; two are many; three are hardly possible. Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought, a rivalry of aim.
** [[Henry Adams]], ''The Education of Henry Adams'' (1907), Ch. XX.
* The friendships of the world are oft&lt;br&gt;Confederacies in vice, or leagues of pleasure;&lt;br&gt;Ours has severest virtue for its basis,&lt;br&gt;And such a friendship ends not but with life.
** [[Joseph Addison]], ''Cato, A Tragedy'' (1713), Act III, scene 1.

* ''Stay'' is a charming word in a friend's vocabulary.
** [[Amos Bronson Alcott]], ''Concord Days'' (1872), p. 124.
** This quote is often misattributed to Alcott's daughter [[Louisa May Alcott]].

* He who has a thousand friends has not a friend to spare, And he who has one enemy will meet him everywhere.
** [[Ali]], ''A Hundred Sayings''.
* A friend is he whose absence also proves the friendship. 
* If you intend to cut yourself off from a friend leave some scope for him from your side by which he may resume friendship if it occurs to him some day.
* A stranger is he who has no friend.
** [[Ali]], [[Nahj al-Balagha]], [https://www.al-islam.org/nahjul-balagha-part-2-letters-and-sayings/letter-31-advice-one-his-sons-after-returning-battle Letter 31: Advice to one of his sons after returning from the Battle of Siffin], at the {{w|Ahlul Bayt Digital Islamic Library Project}}.

* Your friends are three and your enemies arc (also) three. Your friends are: your friend, your friend's friend and your enemy's enemy. And your enemies are: your enemy, your friend's enemy and your enemy's friend.
** [[Ali]], [[Nahj al-Balagha]], [https://www.al-islam.org/nahjul-balagha-part-2-letters-and-sayings/selections-sayings-and-preaching-amir-al-muminin-ali#hadith-n-295 Hadith n. 295], at the {{w|Ahlul Bayt Digital Islamic Library Project}}.

* What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies.
** [[Aristotle]], from ''Braude's Second Encyclopedia of stories, quotations, and anecdotes''.

* Misfortune shows those who are not really friends.
**[[Aristotle]], ''Eudemian Ethics'' Book VII, 1238.a20.

* Piety requires us to honor truth above our friends.
** [[Aristotle]], ''Nicomachean Ethics'' (c. 325 BC), Book I, 1096.a16.

* Without friends no one would choose to live, though he had all other goods.
** [[Aristotle]], ''Nicomachean Ethics'' (c. 325 BC), Book VIII, 1155.a5.

* When people are friends, they have no need of justice, but when they are just, they need friendship in addition.
** [[Aristotle]], ''Nicomachean Ethics'' (c. 325 BC), Book VIII, 1155.a26.

* The best friend is he that, when he wishes a person's good, wishes it for that person's own sake.
** [[Aristotle]], ''Nicomachean Ethics'' (c. 325 BC), Book IX, 1168.b1
** Variants: My best friend is the man who in wishing me well wishes it for my sake. &lt;br&gt; The best friend is the man who in wishing me well wishes it for my sake.

* I’ve always said there’s no hope without endeavor. Hope has no meaning unless we are prepared to work to realize our hopes and dreams but in order to that we do need to have friends. We need those who believe in us. Friends are those who believe in us and who want to help us whatever it is that we are trying to achieve.
** [[Aung San Suu Kyi]], [http://www.nobelprize.org/nobel_prizes/peace/laureates/1991/kyi-lecture_en.html# Sakharov Prize for Freedom of Thought Acceptance Speech by Aung San Suu Kyi, Strasbourg, 22 October 2013].

==B==
* Your friends will know you better in the first minute you meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years.
** [[Richard Bach]], ''[[w:Illusions (Bach novel)|Illusions, The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah]]'' (1977).
&lt;!-- What does this quote mean? I don't understand.--&gt;

* [[w:Alonso de Aragón|Alonso of Aragon]] was wont to say in commendation of age, that age appears to be best in four things, — old wood best to burn, old wine to drink, old friends to trust, and old authors to read.
** [[Francis Bacon]], ''Apothegms'', No. 97 &lt;!--, as reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th edition (1919); Alonso's statement is also the source of another rendition:
:: Old wood to burn! Old wine to drink! Old friends to trust! Old authors to read! — Alonso of Aragon was wont to say in commendation of age, that age appeared to be best in these four things.
:: * Melchior de Santa Cruz, ''Floresta Española de Apothegmas o sentencias'', etc., ii. 1, 20, reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th edition (1919).--&gt;

* I get by with a little help from my friends.
** [[The Beatles]], ''[[w:With a Little Help from My Friends|With a Little Help from My Friends]]''.

* No friend's a friend till [he shall] prove a friend.
** [[Beaumont and Fletcher]], ''The Faithful Friends'' (c. 1608), Act III, scene 3, line 50.

* For no one, in our long decline,&lt;br&gt;So dusty, spiteful and divided,&lt;br&gt;Had quite such pleasant friends as mine,&lt;br&gt;Or loved them half as much as I did.
** [[Hilaire Belloc]], &quot;Dedicatory Ode,&quot; ''Sonnets and Verse'' (1923), p. 70, stanza 3.

* From quiet homes and first beginning,&lt;br&gt;Out to the undiscovered ends,&lt;br&gt;There's nothing worth the wear of winning,&lt;br&gt;But laughter and the love of friends.
** [[Hilaire Belloc]], &quot;Dedicatory Ode,&quot; ''Sonnets and Verse'' (1923), p. 74, stanza 22.

* You do retain the song we set,&lt;br&gt;And how it rises, trips and scans?&lt;br&gt;You keep the sacred memory yet,&lt;br&gt;Republicans? Republicans?
** [[Hilaire Belloc]], &quot;Dedicatory Ode,&quot; ''Sonnets and Verse'' (1923), p. 76, stanza 36. Republicans was the name of the friends' club.

* That is almost the definition of any friendship that is worthwhile — that we don't care a damn how you behave yourself.
** [[Edmund Clerihew Bentley|E. C. Bentley]] and H. Warner Allen, ''[[w:Trent's Own Case|Trent's Own Case]]'' (1936), Chapter XV.

*BEFRIEND, ''v.t.'' To make an ingrate.
** [[Ambrose Bierce]], ''The Cynic's Word Book'' (1906); republished as ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911).

*FRIENDSHIP, ''n.'' A ship big enough to carry two in fair weather, but none in foul.
** [[Ambrose Bierce]], [https://archive.org/details/cynicswordbook00bier/page/124/mode/2up ''The Cynic's Word Book''] (1906), republished as [https://books.google.com/books?id=uJ3Eb83TxQEC&amp;pg=PA109 ''The Devil's Dictionary''] (1911) with modification:
*FRIENDSHIP, ''n.'' A ship big enough to carry two in fair weather, but only one in foul.

* ''Nicht aus dem schweren Boden der Erde,
:sondern aus freiem Gefallen
:und freiem Verlangen des Geistes,
:der nicht des Eides und des Gesetzes bedarf,
:wird der Freund dem Freunde geschenkt''.
:Not from the heavy soil of the earth,
:but from the spirit's choice and free desire, needing no oath of legal bond,
:is friend bestowed on friend.
:* [[Dietrich Bonhoeffer]], ''Der Freund'', published in ''Widerstand und Ergebung, Briefe und Aufzeichnungen aus der Haft'' (1952), p. 269 &lt;!-- Where is this translation from? --&gt;

* We cannot tell the precise moment when friendship is formed. As in filling a vessel drop by drop, there is at last a drop which makes it run over; so in a series of kindnesses there is at last one which makes the heart run over.
** [[James Boswell]], ''Life of Samuel Johnson'' (1791), &quot;19 September 1777&quot;.

* I have loved my friends as I do virtue, my soul, my God.
** Sir [[Thomas Browne]], ''Religio Medici'' (1642), Part II, Section V.

* Now with my friend I desire not to share or participate, but to engross his sorrows, that, by making them mine own, I may more easily discuss them; for in mine own reason, and within myself, I can command that which I cannot entreat without myself, and within the circle of another.
** Sir [[Thomas Browne]], ''Religio Medici'' (1642), Part II, Section V.

* Health is the greatest gift, contentment is the greatest wealth, a trusted friend is the best relative, Nibbana is the greatest bliss. 
** [[Gautama Buddha]], [[Dhammapada]], (verse 202), translator: [[Narada Maha Thera]]

* There is no man so friendless but what he can find a friend sincere enough to tell him disagreeable truths.
** [[Edward Bulwer-Lytton]], ''What Will He Do With It?'' (1858), Book II, Chapter XIV.

* Love is only chatter,&lt;br&gt;Friends are all that matter.
** [[Gelett Burgess]], ''A Gage of Youth: Lyrics from The Lark and Other Poems'' (1901), &quot;Willy and the Lady&quot;, p. 46.

==C==

* ''Non nobis solum nati sumus ortusque nostri partem patria vindicat, partem amici.''
** We are not born, we do not live for ourselves alone; our country, our friends, have a share in us.
** [[Cicero]], [[w:De Officiis|De Officiis]] Book I, section 22.

* Friendship makes prosperity more shining and lessens adversity by dividing and sharing it.
** [[Cicero]], ''De Amicitia'' - ''On Friendship'' (44 B.C.).

* ''Amicus est tamquam alter idem.''
** A friend is, as it were, a second self.
** [[Cicero]], ''De Amicitia'', XXI. 80. (Adapted).

* Flowers are lovely; love is flower-like; &lt;br&gt; Friendship is a sheltering tree;&lt;br&gt;Oh the joys that came down shower-like,&lt;br&gt;Of friendship, love, and liberty,&lt;br&gt;Ere I was old!
** [[Samuel Taylor Coleridge]], ''[http://etext.lib.virginia.edu/stc/Coleridge/poems/Youth_and_Age.html Youth and Age]'', st. 2 (1823-1832) and ''[http://etext.lib.virginia.edu/stc/Coleridge/poems/Duty_Love.html Duty Surviving Self-Love]'' (1826).

* True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it be lost.
** [[Charles Caleb Colton]], ''Lacon'' (1820).

* Ah, child. What are we without friends? Just severed heads rolling across the sands.
** [[Glen Cook]], ''Severed Heads,'' in [[Marion Zimmer Bradley]] (ed.) [[w:Sword and Sorceress series|''Sword and Sorceress'']] (1984), p. 49

* Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.
** [[w:Francis Ford Coppola|Francis Ford Coppola]] and [[w:Mario Puzo|Mario Puzo]], ''[[The Godfather Part II]]'' (1974), (character of &quot;[[w:Michael Corleone|Michael Corleone]]&quot;); this has often become attributed to [[Sun Tzu]] and sometimes to [[Niccolò Machiavelli]] or [[Petrarch]], but there are no published sources yet found which predate its use in the second ''Godfather'' film, where Corleone states: My father taught me many things here — he taught me in this room. He taught me — keep your friends close but your enemies closer.

* When the daylight's gone, &amp; you're on your own&lt;br&gt;And you need a friend, just to be around&lt;br&gt;I will comfort you, I will take your hand&lt;br&gt;And I'll pull you through, I will understand&lt;br&gt; And you know that&lt;p&gt;I'll be at your side&lt;br&gt;There's no need to worry&lt;br&gt;Together, we'll survive&lt;br&gt;Through the haste &amp; hurry&lt;br&gt;I'll be at your side, if you feel like you're alone&lt;br&gt;And you've nowhere to turn&lt;br&gt;I'll be at your side&lt;p&gt; If life's standing still, and your soul's confused&lt;br&gt;And you cannot find what road to choose&lt;br&gt;[...]&lt;br&gt;I will turn around&lt;br&gt; And you know that&lt;br&gt; I 'll be at your side
** [[w:The Corrs|The Corrs]], ''At Your Side''.

* I would not enter on my list of friends&lt;br&gt;(Though graced with polish'd manners and fine sense,&lt;br&gt;Yet wanting sensibility) the man&lt;br&gt;Who needlessly sets foot upon a [[worm]].
** [[William Cowper]], ''The Task'' (1785), Book VI, line 560.

* She that asks&lt;br&gt;Her dear five hundred friends, contemns them all,&lt;br&gt;And hates their coming.
** [[William Cowper]], ''The Task'' (1785), Book II, line 642.

* The blessing it is to have a friend to whom one can speak fearlessly on any subject; with whom one's deepest as well as one's most foolish thoughts come out simply and safely. Oh, the comfort — the inexpressible comfort of feeling ''safe'' with a person — having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.
** [[Dinah Craik]], ''A Life for a Life'' (1859); since the 1930s this has also been published in many paraphrased forms, often uncredited to Craik, including:&lt;br&gt; A friend is one&lt;br/&gt;To whom one may pour out all&lt;br/&gt;The contents of one's heart&lt;br/&gt;Chaff and grain, together,&lt;br/&gt;Knowing that the gentlest of hands&lt;br/&gt;Will take and sift it,&lt;br/&gt;Keep what's worth keeping&lt;br/&gt;And blow the rest away.

==D==
* I am a companion of all them that fear thee, and of them that keep thy precepts.
** [[Psalms of David|Psalm]] 119:63.

* ''Le sort fait les parents, le choix fait les amis''.
** Fate chooses our relatives, we choose our friends.
** [[Jacques Delille]], ''Malheur at Pitié'' (1803), Canto I.

* We ought to esteem him alone an agreeable and good-natured man, who, in his daily intercourse with others, behaves in such a manner as friends usually behave to each other. For as a person of that rustic character appears, wherever he comes, like a mere stranger: so, on the contrary, a polite man, wherever he goes, seems as easy as if he were amongst his intimate friends and acquaintances.
** [[Giovanni Della Casa]], ''Galateo: Or, A Treatise on Politeness and Delicacy of Manners'', pp. 42-43

* Other [[w:Cynics|dogs]] bite only their [[enemies]], whereas I bite also my [[friends]] in order to save them.
** [[Diogenes|Diogenes of Sinope]] [[w:Stobaeus|Stobaeus]], iii. 13. 44

==E==

* Es gibt wenig aufrichtige Freunde. Die Nachfrage ist auch gering.
** There are very few honest friends—the demand is not particularly great.
** [[Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach]],'' Aphorisms'', D. Scrase and W. Mieder, trans. (Riverside, California: 1994), p. 71

* Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up.&quot;
** [[Ecclesiastes]] 4:9-10.

* But a companion and a friend shall be turned to an enemy.
** [[Ecclesiastes]] 37:2.

* Best friend, my well-spring in the wilderness!
** [[George Eliot]], ''The Spanish Gypsy'' (1868), Book III.

* Friend more divine than all divinities.
** [[George Eliot]], ''The Spanish Gypsy'' (1868), Book IV.

* A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere. Before him, I may think aloud.
** [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], in &quot;Friendship&quot; in ''Essays'' (1841), First series.

* Our friends early appear to us as representatives of certain ideas, which they never pass or exceed. They stand on the brink of the ocean of thought and power, but they never take a single step that would bring them there.
** [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], ''Essays'' (1841), ''Of Experience''.

* The only way to have a good friend is to be one.
** [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], ''Essays'' (1841), ''Of Friendship''.

* The ornament of a house is the friends who frequent it.
** [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], ''Society and Solitude'' (1870), Ch. V: &quot;Domestic Life&quot;.

* The wise man … needs no bribe or feast or palace to draw friends to him. He is supremely fair. He angles with himself and with no other bait.
** [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], Journal entry December 26, 1839, Journals (1911), Volume 5, p. 360-361, also in “Politics,” The Early Lectures of Ralph Waldo Emerson (Harvard: 1972), p. 243

* '''Of all the means which [[wisdom]] acquires to ensure [[happiness]] throughout the whole of [[life]], by far the most important is [[friendship]].''' 
** [[Epicurus]], Number 28 of the 40 &quot;Sovran Maxims&quot; (or &quot;Sovereign Maxims), or [http://classics.mit.edu/Epicurus/princdoc.html &quot;Principal Doctrines&quot; as translated by Robert Drew Hicks]

==F==
* There are three faithful friends: an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.
** [[Benjamin Franklin]], ''[[Poor Richard's Almanack]]'' (1734).

* Thou canst not joke an Enemy into a Friend; but thou may'st a Friend into an Enemy.
** [[Benjamin Franklin]], ''[[Poor Richard's Almanack]]'' (1739).

* 'Tis great Confidence in a Friend to tell him ''your'' Faults, greater to tell him ''his''.
** [[Benjamin Franklin]], ''[[Poor Richard's Almanack]]'' (1751).

==G==
* A friendship that can be ended didn't ever start.
** [[Mellin de Saint-Gelais]], ''Oeuvres poétiques''.

* Do not befriend an [[evil]] man and no evil will overtake you.
** ''{{w|Genesis Rabbah}} 22'', ''[http://www.sacred-texts.com/jud/tmm/tmm07.htm Tales and Maxims from the Midrash]'' by Rev. Samuel Rapaport,  (1907), p. 72

* Your friend is your needs answered. He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving. And he is your board and your fireside. For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace.
** [[Kahlil Gibran]], ''[[The Prophet]]'' (1923).

* I love everything that's old, — old friends, old times, old manners, old books, old wine.
** [[Oliver Goldsmith]], ''She Stoops to Conquer'' (1771), Act I, reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th edition (1919).

* He cast off his friends, as a huntsman his pack;&lt;br&gt;For he knew, when he pleas'd, he could whistle them back.
** [[Oliver Goldsmith]], ''Retaliation'' (1774), line 107.

* ''Hazer de los amigos maestros, penetrando el útil del aprender con el gusto del conversar''.
** Make your friends your teachers and blend the usefulness of learning with the pleasure of conversation.
** [[Baltasar Gracián]], ''Oráculo Manual y Arte de Prudencia'', § 11 (Christopher Maurer trans.)

* If displeased with any man, do all you can to prevent his seeing it, for otherwise he will become estranged. And occasions often arise when he might and would have served you had you not lost him by showing your dislike. Of this I have had experience to my own profit. For once and again I have felt ill-disposed towards some one who not being aware of my hostility has afterwards helped me when I needed help and proved my good friend.
**[[Francesco Guicciardini]], ''Counsels and Reflections'', 324.

* Defend me from my friends; I can defend myself from my enemies.
** [[w:Jean Herauld Gourville|Jean Hérault, sieur de Gourville]] as quoted in ''Considérations sur l'esprit et les moeurs'' (1788) by [[w:Gabriel Sénac de Meilhan|Gabriel Sénac de Meilhan]]; a similar remark &quot;May God defend me from my friends; I can defend myself from my enemies.&quot; has become attributed to [[Voltaire]], since at least 1908, but without sourcing

==H==
* Friendship is often outgrown; and his former child's clothes will no more fit a man than some of his former friendships.
** [[w:Sir Arthur Helps|Sir Arthur Helps]], in 'Unreasonable Claims in Social Affections and Relations', Chapter IX, ''Friends in Council'' (First Series) (1847).

* Friends . . old friends. . . 
: One sees how it ends.
: A woman looks
: Or a man tells lies,
: And the pleasant brooks
: And the quiet skies,
: Ruined with brawling
: And caterwauling,
: Enchant no more
: As they did before;
: And so it ends
: with friends.&lt;br&gt;
** [[William Ernest Henley]], [https://books.google.co.uk/books?id=pxw1AAAAMAAJ&amp;pg=PA111&amp;source=gbs_toc_r&amp;cad=3#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false part XLI], from ''Life and Death (Echoes)'' (1888)

* The difficulty is not so much to die for a friend, as to find a friend worth dying for.
** [[w:Henry Home, Lord Kames|Henry Home, Lord Kames]], in &quot;Friendship&quot;, ''Introduction to the Art of Thinking'' (1761).
** This quote is often misattributed to [[Homer]].

* The finest friendships are between those who can do without each other.
** [[Elbert Hubbard]], in 'Exclusive Friendships', ''Love, Life &amp; Work'' (1906).

* Never explain — your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe you anyhow.
** [[Elbert Hubbard]], ''The Motto Book'' (1907).

* Your friend is that man who knows all about you, and still likes you.
** [[Elbert Hubbard]], ''The Note Book'' (1927).

* Blessed are they who have the gift of making friends, for it is one of God's best gifts. It involves many things, but, above all, the power of going out of one's self and appreciating whatever is noble and loving in another.
** [[Thomas Hughes]], in Katherine Frances Jelf, ''George Edward Jelf: A Memoir'' (London: Skeffington &amp; Son, 1909), p. 10.

* One of the principal functions of a friend is to suffer (in a milder and more symbolic form) the punishments that we should like, but are unable, to inflict upon our enemies.
** [[Aldous Huxley]], ''[[Brave New World]]'' (1932).

* I would rather walk with a friend in the dark, than alone in the light.
** [[Helen_Keller|Helen Keller]]

==I==
* ''Chi si trova senz’ amici, e come un corpo senz’ anima''.
**A man without friends is like a body without a soul.
**Italian Proverb, in ''Cassell's Book of Quotations'', p. 884

==J==
* It is nothing against the validity of a friendship that the parties to it have not a mutual resemblance. There must be a basis of agreement, but the structure reared upon it may contain a thousand disparities.
** [[Henry James]], ''Confidence'' (1879), Ch. II.

* I merely point out to you that, as a matter of fact, certain persons do exist with an enormous capacity for friendship and for taking delight in other people's lives; and that such person know more of truth than if their hearts were not so big. 
** [[William James]], ''Talks to Teachers on Psychology and to Students on Some of Life's Ideals'' (1911).

* Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.
** [[Jesus]], in John 15:13.

* Yes'm, old friends is always best, 'less you can catch a new one that's fit to make an old one out of.
** [[Sarah Orne Jewett]], ''The Country of the Pointed Firs'' (1896), Ch. 12.

* Nothing changes your opinion of a friend so surely as success &amp;mdash; yours or his.
** Franklin P. Jones, in ''Saturday Evening Post'' (29 November 1953).

*Got a lot of haters and a lot of homies; some friends and some phony.
**[[w:Mike Jones|Michael Jones]], &quot;Still Tippin'&quot; (2005), ''Who Is Mike Jones?'' (2005).

* Choose your friends, then treat them as friends; do not regard them like slaves or servants, but associate with them frankly and simply and generously; not saying one thing of them and thinking something else.
** [[Julian (emperor)|Julian]], Myth at the end of Julian's oration to the cynic Heracleios, as translated in [http://www.third-millennium-library.com/MedievalHistory/Julian_the_Emperor/CHAPTER_VI.html ''The Emperor Julian : Paganism and Christianity'' (1879)] by [[w:Gerald Henry Rendall|Gerald Henry Rendall]], Ch. VI : Julian's Personal Religion, p. 138.

==K==
* Friends need to tell each other the hard truth and friendships require mutual respect.
** [[John Kerry]], ''Kerry Blasts Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu'' — (December 2016)

* The absolute condition for friendship is unity in a life-view. If a person has that, he will not be tempted to base his friendship on obscure feelings or on indefinable sympathies. As a consequence, he will not experience these ridiculous shifts, so that one day he has a friend and the next day he does not. He will not fail to appreciate the significance of the indefinable sympathies, because, strictly speaking, a person is certainly not a friend of everyone with whom he shares a life-view but neither does he stop with only the mysteriousness of the sympathies. A true friendship always requires consciousness and is therefore freed from being infatuation. The life-view in which one is united must be a positive view.
** [[Søren Kierkegaard]] ''Either/Or Part II'', Hong p. 319 (1843).

* There is nothing in the world more trustworthy than a friend one is sure will betray everything confided to him, nothing more trustworthy if only one is careful about what is confided to him. it is unsafe to ask a friend to tell this or that, but if one confides to him under the pledge of secrecy something one wishes to come out, then one can be absolutely sure, for then it must come out. Furthermore, it is a rare good fortune if in turn such a friend has a friend, and in turn this friend has a girlfriend-then it travels with the speed of lightning.
** [[Søren Kierkegaard]], ''Stages on Life's Way'', Hong p. 245.

==L==
* Friendship ... flourishes not so much by kindnesses as by sincerity.
** [[Étienne de la Boétie]], ''Discourse of Voluntary Servitude'', Part 3

* Friendship ... receives its real sustenance from an equality that, to proceed without a limp, must have its two limbs equal.
** [[Étienne de la Boétie]], ''Discourse of Voluntary Servitude'', Part 3

* Of two friends, one is always the slave of the other, although frequently neither acknowledges the fact to himself.
** [[Mikhail Lermontov]], ''A Hero of Our Time''.

* Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.
** [[C. S. Lewis]], ''[[w:The Four Loves|The Four Loves]]'' (1960)

* A good relationship has a pattern like a dance and is built on some of the same rules. The partners do not need to hold on tightly, because they move confidently in the same pattern, intricate but gay and swift and free, like a country dance of Mozart's. To touch heavily would be to arrest the pattern and freeze the movement, to check the endlessly changing beauty of its unfolding. There is no place here for the possessive clutch, the clinging arm, the heavy hand; only the barest touch in passing. Now arm in arm, now face to face, now back to back — it does not matter which. Because they know they are partners moving to the same rhythm, creating a pattern together, and being invisibly nourished by it. &lt;br&gt; The joy of such a pattern is not only the joy of creation or the joy of participation, it is also the joy of living in the moment. Lightness of touch and living in the moment are intertwined. One cannot dance well unless one is completely in time with the music, not leaning back to the last step or pressing forward to the next one, but poised directly on the present step as it comes. Perfect poise on the beat is what gives good dancing its sense of ease, of timelessness, of the eternal.
**[[Anne Morrow Lindbergh]], ''Gift from the Sea''.

* Come back! ye friendships long departed!&lt;br&gt;That like o'erflowing streamlets started,&lt;br&gt;And now are dwindled, one by one,&lt;br&gt;To stony channels in the sun!&lt;br&gt;Come back! ye friends, whose lives are ended,&lt;br&gt;Come back, with all that light attended,&lt;br&gt;Which seemed to darken and decay&lt;br&gt;When ye arose and went away!
** [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]], ''Christus'' (1872), Part II, ''The Golden Legend'', I.

* O friend! O best of friends! Thy absence more&lt;br&gt;Than the impending night darkens the landscape o'er!
** Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, ''Christus'' (1872), Part II, ''The Golden Legend'', I.

* You will forgive me, I hope, for the sake of the friendship between us,&lt;br&gt;Which is too true and too sacred to be so easily broken!
** [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]], ''The Courtship of Miles Standish'' (1858), Part VI, ''Priscilla'', line 22.

* Yes, we must ever be friends; and of all who offer you friendship&lt;br&gt;Let me be ever the first, the truest, the nearest and dearest!
** [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]], ''The Courtship of Miles Standish'' (1858), Part VI, ''Priscilla'', line 72.

* “I sometimes think that ‘friend’ is just a word I use for all the people I haven't murdered yet.”
** [[Scott Lynch]], ''A Year and a Day in Old Theradane,'' in [[George R. R. Martin]] &amp; [[w:Gardner Dozois|Gardner Dozois]] (eds.) ''[[w:Rogues (anthology)|Rogues]]'' (2014), p. 258

==M==

* I say that every prince must desire to be  considered merciful and not cruel. He must, however, take care not to misuse this mercifulness. … A prince, therefore, must not mind incurring the charge of cruelty for the purpose of keeping his subjects united and confident; for, with a very few examples, he will be more merciful than those who, from excess of tenderness, allow disorders to arise, from whence spring murders and rapine; for these as a rule injure the whole community, while the executions carried out by the prince injure only one individual. And of all princes, it is impossible for a new prince to escape the name of cruel, new states being always full of dangers. … Nevertheless, he must be cautious in believing and acting, and must not inspire fear of his own accord, and must proceed in a temperate manner with prudence and humanity, so that too much confidence does not render him incautious, and too much diffidence does not render him intolerant. From this arises the question whether it is better to be loved more than feared, or feared more than loved. The reply is, that one ought to be both feared and loved, but as it is difficult for the two to go together, it is much safer to be feared than loved, if one of the two has to be wanting. For it may be said of men in general that they are ungrateful, voluble, dissemblers, anxious to avoid danger, and covetous of gain ; as long as you benefit them, they are entirely yours; they offer you their blood, their goods, their life, and their children, as I have before said, when the necessity is remote; but when it approaches, they revolt. And the prince who has relied solely on their words, without making other preparations, is ruined, for the friendship which is gained by purchase and not through grandeur and nobility of spirit is merited but is not secured, and at times is not to be had. And men have less scruple in offending one who makes himself loved than one who makes himself feared; for love is held by a chain of obligation which, men being selfish, is broken whenever it serves their purpose; but fear is maintained by a dread of punishment which never fails.
** [[Niccolò Machiavelli]], ''The Prince'' (1513), Ch. 17, as translated by Luigi Ricci (1903)
** Variant translations of portions of this passage:
** From this arises the question whether it is better to be loved rather than feared, or feared rather than loved. It might perhaps be answered that we should wish to be both: but since love and fear can hardly exist together, if we must choose between them, it is far safer to be feared than loved.
** He ought to be slow to believe and to act, nor should he himself show fear, but proceed in a temperate manner with prudence and humanity, so that too much confidence may not make him incautious and too much distrust render him intolerable.
** The prince who relies upon their words, without having otherwise provided for his security, is ruined; for friendships that are won by awards, and not by greatness and nobility of soul, although deserved, yet are not real, and cannot be depended upon in time of adversity.

* What find you better or more honourable than age? Take the preheminence of it in everything, — in an old friend, in old wine, in an old pedigree.
** [[w:Shackerley Marmion|Shackerley Marmion]]in ''The Antiquary'', reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th edition (1919).

* I like friends who have independent minds because they tend to make you see problems from all angles.
** [[Nelson Mandela]] on friendship, From his unpublished autobiographical manuscript written in 1975. Source: [http://www.nelsonmandela.org/content/mini-site/selected-quotes ''From Nelson Mandela By Himself: The Authorised Book of Quotations'' © 2010 by Nelson R. Mandela and The Nelson Mandela Foundation]

* Multiplex workplace friendships—those in which a personal, affective relationship coincides with a business relationship, namely, with coworkers within one’s organization—are a widespread organizational phenomenon (Ingram &amp; Zou, 2008). Indeed, a recent Gallup study determined that 30% of employees report having a best friend at work (Rath, 2006), and studies show that a sizeable number of employees describe their coworkers as both colleagues and friends (e.g., Gersick, Bartunek, &amp; Dutton, 2000; Lonkila, 1998). Importantly, multiplex workplace friendships have implications for key employee and organizational outcomes through the provision of moral and material support, work and nonwork advice, and quality information exchanges (Kram &amp; Isabella, 1985; Rawlins, 1992; Sias, 2005; Sias &amp; Cahill, 1998; Winstead, Derlega, Montgomery, &amp; Pilkington, 1995). For instance, employees who report having friends at work have higher levels of productivity, retention, and job satisfaction, and are seven times more likely to be engaged in their work than their “friendless” counterparts (Rath, 2006).
** Jessica R. Methot, Jeffery A. Lepine, Nathan P. Podaskoff, Jessica Siegel, [https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/peps.12109 &quot;Are Workplace Friendships a Mixed Blesing? Exploring Tradeofffs of Multiplex Relationships and Their Associations With Job Perofrmance&quot;], ''Personnel Psychology'' 2016, 69, p. 312.

* Multiplex workplace friendships are exhausting because they create feelings of responsibility and obligation, and because they require investments of attention and energy toward their maintenance. Thus, although there are positive effects of multiplex workplace friendships on job performance, they should be offset somewhat by the effect of exhaustion, which reflects reduced energy and attention that could otherwise be applied to core job performance‐related activities (Greenhaus &amp; Beutell, 1985; LePine, Podsakoff, &amp; LePine, 2005).
** Jessica R. Methot, Jeffery A. Lepine, Nathan P. Podaskoff, Jessica Siegel, [https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/peps.12109 &quot;Are Workplace Friendships a Mixed Blesing? Exploring Tradeofffs of Multiplex Relationships and Their Associations With Job Perofrmance&quot;], ''Personnel Psychology'' 2016, 69, pp. 316-317.

* Further, we expect individuals with larger multiplex workplace friendship networks will perform effectively because emotional support provides a mechanism to minimize distress (Lazarus &amp; Folkman, 1984). Emotional support is a form of support that is not related to work tasks themselves; rather, it is a “backstage resource” that allows employees to indirectly manage their work demands (Lazega &amp; Pattison, 1999). More specifically, rather than being a source of work‐related communication, emotional support comprises communication regarding good things at work, bad things at work, and nonwork topics (Beehr, Jex, Stacy, &amp; Murray, 2000), and having access to an outlet that allows the discussion of non work‐related topics and concerns fulfills socio emotional needs (Cobb, 1976; Cohen &amp; Wills, 1985). Thus, emotional distress can be effectively managed with emotional support, decreasing the saliency of emotional distractions and, ultimately, allowing employees the opportunity to address work tasks. Along these lines, both AbuAlRub (2004) and Beehr et al. (2000) found a positive association between emotional support and job performance. Taken together, we theorize that access to emotional support will decrease attention paid to emotional distractions and increase productive work time, which will positively impact job performance.
** Jessica R. Methot, Jeffery A. Lepine, Nathan P. Podaskoff, Jessica Siegel, [https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/peps.12109 &quot;Are Workplace Friendships a Mixed Blesing? Exploring Tradeofffs of Multiplex Relationships and Their Associations With Job Perofrmance&quot;], ''Personnel Psychology'' 2016, 69, p. 327-328.

* The ubiquity of multiplex workplace friendships warrants a deeper investigation of their effects on individuals’ performance at work. Indeed, McEvily and colleagues (2014) argue that “the more we attempt to disentangle formal [interaction] and informal [interaction] in an effort to understand their unique effects, the less we learn about how they actually operate” (p. 333) and call for investigations “where multiplexity of interactions is not just a possibility, but rather is an essential and defining feature” (p. 335) of theory and research. Here, we address this issue by exploring how and why multiplex workplace friendships uniquely influence performance.
** Jessica R. Methot, Jeffery A. Lepine, Nathan P. Podaskoff, Jessica Siegel, [https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/peps.12109 &quot;Are Workplace Friendships a Mixed Blesing? Exploring Tradeofffs of Multiplex Relationships and Their Associations With Job Perofrmance&quot;], ''Personnel Psychology'' 2016, 69, p. 338.

* [[Feelings]] are [[w:Contagious|contagious]]. “Each [[happy]] friend a person has increases that person’s [[probability]] of being happy by 9 percent and each [[unhappy]] friend decreases it by 7 percent,” says [[w:Nicholas A. Christakis|Nicholas A. Christakis]], a co-author of “Connected: The Surprising Power of Our Social Networks and How They Shape Our Lives.” &lt;br&gt; [[Males]] with [[depressed]] [[w:Roommates|roommates]] may end up feeling a bit blue themselves, according to Daniel Eisenberg, an assistant professor of public health at the [[w:University of Michigan|University of Michigan]] who recently led a survey of 1,600 freshmen at two universities — a public one in the Midwest and a private one in the Northeast — on the issue. He found no such carryover for [[female]] students. &lt;br&gt; This mood contagion seems to occur when the [[student]] keeps his feelings bottled up, Dr. Eisenberg says. And it’s only a mild case; roommates typically don’t develop their friends’ more [[serious]] [[w:Medical condition|conditions]]. &lt;br&gt; “It’s not like you catch a [[mental-health]] [[w:Common cold|cold]],” he says. “People are resilient. They have a lot of coping strategies.”
** Abigail Sullivan Moore, [https://www.nytimes.com/2010/07/25/education/25roomscience-t.html “The Science of Roommates”], ''[[w:The New York Times|The New York Times]]'', (July 23, 2010)

* If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.
** [[w:A. A. Milne|A. A. Milne]], ''[[w:The House at Pooh Corner|The House at Pooh Corner]]''(1928), Chapter 10.

* True friendship is an identity of souls rarely to be found in this world.
** [[Mahatma Gandhi]], ''[https://books.google.co.in/books/about/An_Autobiography.html?id=cYcAuVg2pdcC&amp;redir_esc=y “An Autobiography”]'

==N==
* A real friendship should not fade as time passes, and should not weaken because of space separation.
**John Newton, Ph.D., ''Complete Conduct Principles for the 21st Century'' (2000),  p. 138. {{ISBN|0967370574}}.

* A more appropriate adjective for measuring the degree of a friendship should be “good” – how good, rather than “close” – how close. A good friend is not necessarily close; a close friend is not necessarily good.
** John Newton, Ph.D., ''Complete Conduct Principles for the 21st Century'' (2000),  p. 45. {{ISBN|0967370574}}.

* ''Mitfreude, nicht Mitleiden, macht den Freund''.
** Fellowship in joy, not sympathy in sorrow, is what makes friends.
*** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], ''Human, All-too Human'', § 499

* Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.
** [[Anaïs Nin]], Diary entry (March 1937).

* When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing, and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.
** [[Henri Nouwen]], ''Out of Solitude'' (1996).

==O==
* But remember! when it comes to friends, it's not how much time you spend with them, just how you spend it!
** [[w:Eiichiro Oda|Eiichiro Oda]], &quot;Mr. 2 Bon Clay&quot; in ''[[One Piece]]''.

==P==

* We were at the age when a friend's conversation seems like oneself talking, when one shares a life in common the way I still think, bachelor though I am, some married couples are able to live.
** [[Cesare Pavese]], ''The Beach''.

* Love is rarer than genius itself. And friendship is rarer than love.
** [[Charles Péguy]], &quot;The Search for Truth&quot;, ''Basic Verities'' (1943), trans. [[w:Anne Green|Anne]] and [[w:Julien Green|Julien Green]].

* ''Al amigo todo, al enemigo ni justicia.''
** Everything for a friend, not even justice for an enemy.
**[[w:Juan Domingo Perón|Juan Domingo Perón]], as quoted in [http://books.google.com/books?id=wVTUtWafSDYC&amp;pg=PT218&amp;dq=%22al+enemigo+ni+justicia&amp;as_brr=3&amp;ei=vkxSS-HaMoO-zASX383iCw&amp;cd=5#v=onepage&amp;q=%22al%20enemigo%20ni%20justicia&amp;f=false ''Dictatorship, Democracy, and Globalization: Argentina and the Cost of Paralysis, 1973-2001'' (2009)] by Klaus Friedrich Veigel

* Although many scholars and practitioners have assumed that workplace friendships lead to desirable organizational outcomes, a growing body of research suggests important complexities and downsides associated with workplace friendships. This suggests a need to better understand how and when workplace friendships may lead to harmful outcomes, especially in light of organizational and technological shifts that are changing the way employees connect. Drawing on theories of close relationships, social exchange, and boundary management, we present a theoretical framework that highlights how the four defining features of friendship (informality, voluntariness, communal norms, and socio-emotional goals) are in tension with four fundamental elements of organizational life (formal roles, involuntary constraints, exchange norms, and instrumental goals). We also highlight how mutual self-disclosure and perceived similarity develop and deepen friendships but also lead to downsides for individuals, groups, and organizations. We articulate how specific features of a focal friendship clique (e.g., closeness, maturity, and status of members) may amplify or buffer negative aspects and how social media affect friendship formation and tensions. Our theoretical framework should inform new theory and research on positive relationships at work, boundary management of professional and personal identities, and how changes to work and technology affect workplace relationships.
** Pillemer, Julianna; Rothbard, Nancy (2018-02-15). &quot;Friends Without Benefits: Understanding the Dark Sides of Workplace Friendship&quot;. Academy of Management Review: amr.2016.0309. doi:10.5465/amr.2016.0309. ISSN 0363-7425. 

* For all are friends in heaven, all faithful friends;&lt;br&gt;And many friendships in the days of time&lt;br&gt;Begun, are lasting here, and growing still.
** [[Robert Pollok]], ''The Course of Time'' (1827), Book V, line 336.

* Friends given by God in mercy and in love;&lt;br&gt;My counsellors, my comforters, and guides;&lt;br&gt;My joy in grief, my second bliss in joy;&lt;br&gt;Companions of my young desires; in doubt&lt;br&gt;My oracles; my wings in high pursuit.&lt;br&gt;Oh! I remember, and will ne'er forget&lt;br&gt;Our meeting spots, our chosen sacred hours;&lt;br&gt;Our burning words, that utter'd all the soul,&lt;br&gt;Our faces beaming with unearthly love;—&lt;br&gt;Sorrow with sorrow sighing, hope with hope&lt;br&gt;Exulting, heart embracing heart entire.
** [[Robert Pollok]], ''The Course of Time'' (1827), Book V, line 315.

* What ill-starr'd rage&lt;br&gt;Divides a friendship long confirm'd by age?
** [[Alexander Pope]], ''Dunciad''  (1728 to 1743), Book III, line 173.

* Trust not yourself; but your defects to know,&lt;br&gt;Make use of ev'ry friend—and ev'ry foe.
** [[Alexander Pope]], ''[[An Essay on Criticism]]'' (1709), line 214.

* Ah, friend! to dazzle let the vain design;&lt;br&gt;To raise the thought and touch the heart be thine.
** [[Alexander Pope]], ''Moral Essays'' (1731-35), Epistle II, line 248.

==R==
* Our triumphs seem hollow unless we have friends to share them, and our failures are made bearable by their understanding.
** [[James Rachels]], ''The Elements of Moral Philosophy'' (1999), p. 183.

* I shall choose friends among men, but neither slaves nor masters. And I shall choose only such as please me, and them I shall love and respect, but neither command nor obey. And we shall join our hands when we wish, or walk alone when we so desire.
** [[Ayn Rand]], ''Anthem'' (1937).

* “You are my friend,” said the alien, nothing about his voice out of the ordinary. “And from all that is possible, I wish you the best.”
** [[w:Robert Reed (author)|Robert Reed]], ''Hatch'' (2007) in [[w:Gardner Dozois|Gardner Dozois]] &amp; [[w:Jonathan Strahan|Jonathan Strahan]] (eds.) ''[[w:The New Space Opera|The New Space Opera]]'' (mass market paperback edition, {{ISBN|978-0-06-135041-2}}), p. 59

* Although organizational research on workplace friendships is well established, it has been criticized for its predominately postpositivistic outlook, which largely focuses on how workplace friendships can be linked to improving organizational outcomes such as efficiency and performance. As a consequence, other aspects of the lived experiences of work and friendship are obscured, in particular how these friendships are important in their own right and how they function as social and personal relationships. 
** Nick Rumens, [http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0265407516670276?journalCode=spra “Researching workplace friendships: Drawing insights from the sociology of friendship”], ''Journal of Social and Personal Relationships'', Volume: 34 issue: 8, page(s): 1149-1167, (September 22, 2016).

==S==
* A friend in need is a friend indeed.
** Scots proverb, as published in ''Beauties of Allan Ramsay: Being a Selection of the Most Admired Pieces of that Celebrated Author, viz. The Gentle Shepherd; Christ's Kirk on the Green; The Monk, and the Miller's Wife; with his valuable collection of Scots Proverbs'' (1815), &quot;Scots Proverbs&quot; Ch. 1; also quoted in ''[[w:Pure Morning|Pure Morning]]'', a song by [[w:Placebo|Placebo]]

* Old friends are best. King James used to call for his old shoes; they were easiest for his feet.
** [[John Selden]], in &quot;Friends&quot; in ''Table Talk'' (1689).

* The ending inevitably matches the beginning: the person who starts being friends with you because it pays him will similarly cease to be friends with you because it pays him.
** [[Seneca]], ''Letters'', 9 (Robin Campbell trans.)

* Keep thy friend&lt;br&gt;Under thy own life's key.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[All's Well That Ends Well]]'' (1600s), Act I, scene 1, line 75.

* We still have slept together,&lt;br&gt;Rose at an instant, learn'd, play'd, eat together;&lt;br&gt;And wheresoe'er we went, like Juno's swans,&lt;br&gt;Still we went coupled and inseparable.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[As You Like It]]'' (c.1599-1600), Act I, scene 3, line 75.

* Most friendship is feigning.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''As You Like It'' (c.1599-1600), Song, Act II, scene 7, line 181.

* Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried,&lt;br&gt;Grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel;&lt;br&gt;But do not dull thy palm with entertainment&lt;br&gt;Of each new-hatch'd, unfledg'd comrade.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Hamlet]]'' (1600-02), Act I, scene 3, line 59.

* For who not needs shall never lack a friend,&lt;br&gt;And who in want a hollow friend doth try,&lt;br&gt;Directly seasons him his enemy.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''Hamlet'' (1600-02), Act III, scene 2, line 217.

* Out upon this half-fac'd fellowship!
** [[William Shakespeare]], [[Henry IV, Part 1|''Henry IV'', Part I]] (c. 1597), Act I, scene 3, line 208.

* Call you that backing of your friends? A plague upon such backing! give me them that will face me.
** [[William Shakespeare]], [[Henry IV, Part 1|''Henry IV'', Part I]] (c. 1597), Act II, scene 4, line 165.

* Where you are liberal of your loves and counsels&lt;br&gt;Be sure you be not loose; for those you make friends&lt;br&gt;And give your hearts to, when they once perceive&lt;br&gt;The least rub in your fortunes, fall away&lt;br&gt;Like water from ye, never found again&lt;br&gt;But where they mean to sink ye.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Henry VIII (play)|Henry VIII]]'' ([[w:Henry VIII (play)#Date|c. 1613]]), Act II, scene 1, line 126.

* As dear to me as are the ruddy drops&lt;br&gt;That visit my sad heart.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Julius Caesar (play)|Julius Cæsar]]'' (1599), Act II, scene 1, line 290.

* A friend should bear his friend's infirmities,&lt;br&gt;But Brutus makes mine greater than they are.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Julius Caesar (play)|Julius Cæsar]]'' (1599), Act IV, scene 3, line 86.

* To wail friends lost&lt;br&gt;Is not by much so wholesome — profitable,&lt;br&gt;As to rejoice at friends but newly found.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Love's Labour's Lost]]'' (c. 1595-6), Act V, scene 2, line 759.

* When did friendship take&lt;br&gt;A breed for barren metal of his friend?
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[The Merchant of Venice]]'' (late 1590s), Act I, scene 3, line 134.

* I would be friends with you and have your love.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[The Merchant of Venice]]'' (late 1590s), Act I, scene 3, line 139.

* Two lovely berries moulded on one stem:&lt;br&gt;So, with two seeming bodies, but one heart.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[A Midsummer Night's Dream]]'' (c. 1595-96), Act III, scene 2, line 211.

* Friendship is constant in all other things,&lt;br&gt;Save in the office and affairs of love:&lt;br&gt;Therefore, all hearts in love use their own tongues;&lt;br&gt;Let every eye negotiate for itself,&lt;br&gt;And trust no agent.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Much Ado About Nothing]]'' (1598-99), Act II, scene 1, line 182.

* Words are easy, like the wind;&lt;br&gt;Faithful friends are hard to find.
** Attributed to [[William Shakespeare]], ''Passionate Pilgrim''. In Notes and Queries, June, 1918, p. 174, it is suggested that the lines are by Barnfield, being a piracy from Jaggard's publication (1599), a volume containing little of Shakespeare, the majority being pieces by Marlowe, Raleigh, Barnfield, and others.

* I am not of that feather to shake off&lt;br&gt;My friend when he must need me.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Timon of Athens]]'' (date uncertain, published 1623), Act I, scene 1, line 100.

* Friendship's full of dregs.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Timon of Athens]]'' (date uncertain, published 1623), Act I, scene 2, line 240.

* For by these&lt;br&gt;Shall I try friends: you shall perceive how you&lt;br&gt;Mistake my fortunes; I am wealthy in my friends.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Timon of Athens]]'' (date uncertain, published 1623), Act II, scene 2, line 191.

* The amity that wisdom knits not, folly may easily untie.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Troilus and Cressida]]'' (c. 1602), Act II, scene 3, line 110.

* Do I not most effectually destroy my enemies, in making them my friends?
** [[w:Sigismund, Holy Roman Emperor|Sigismund, Holy Roman Emperor]], reported in ''The Sociable Story-Teller'' (Boston: James French, 1846), p. 15.
** This quote is often misattributed to [[Abraham Lincoln]].

* A faithful friend is a sturdy shelter;&lt;br&gt;he who finds one finds a treasure.&lt;br&gt;A faithful friend is beyond price,&lt;br&gt;no sum can balance his worth.
** [[w:Sirach|Sirach]] 6:14-15 ([[w:New American Bible|New American Bible]]).

* A friend loves at all times, and kinsfolk are born to share adversity.
** [[Proverbs of Solomon|Proverbs]] 17:17 (NRSV).

* A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
** [[Proverbs of Solomon|Proverbs]] 18:24 (New International Version).

* Faithful are the wounds of a friend, But deceitful are the kisses of an enemy.
** [[Proverbs of Solomon|Proverbs]] 27:6 (NASB).

* Friends humor and flatter us, they steal our time, they encourage our love of ease, they make us content with ourselves, they are the foes of our virtue and our glory.
** [[John Lancaster Spalding]], ''Aphorisms and Reflections'' (1901), p. 22

* What matter that the man stands for much I cannot love—the moment he touches the realms of truth he enters my world and is my friend.
** [[John Lancaster Spalding]], ''Aphorisms and Reflections'' (1901), p. 89

* If you should die before me, ask if you could bring a friend.
** [[w:Stone Temple Pilots|Stone Temple Pilots]] in &quot;Still Remains&quot; on ''[[w:Purple (album)|Purple]]'' (1994).

* '''That my friend should be well is our wish, and that our enemies should be gone! May those friendly to you reach their goal as a ship does a friendly harbour! May your enemy, like the flood waters of a river, return to his city.'''
** [[Sumerian proverb]], [http://etcsl.orinst.ox.ac.uk/proverbs/t.6.1.11.html Collection XI] at {{w|The Electronic Text Corpus of Sumerian Literature}}, {{w|3rd millennium BCE}}.

* Confidence is the only bond of friendship.
** [[Publilius Syrus]] Maxim 34

==T==
* Many a time,… from a bad beginning great friendships have sprung up.
** [[Terence]], ''[[w:Eunuchus|Eunuchus]]'', Act V, scene 2, 34, line 873.

* It is a maxim of old that among themselves all things are common to friends.
** [[Terence]], ''[[w:Adelphoe|Adelphoe]]'' (''The Brothers''), Act V, scene 3, line 18 (803).

* Friendship is not for merriment but for stern reproach when friends go astray.
** [[Tiruvalluvar]], ''Tirukkural: 784''.

[[File:Ladies%27_Man-_Trump.jpg|thumb|It’s very easy to develop friends but it’s very hard to see whether or not they’re real friends ~ [[Donald Trump]] ]]
* Well, I think it’s easier to develop friendships but I’m not so sure when you get back down to the traditional sense, and that would be the friends that are here in good times and bad. I’m not so sure necessarily how many of those friends would be around if things did take a turn for the worst. I’ve oftentimes thought that I’d like to test some people and find out and just played a little game of doing the testing and which has been done on occasion. But '''it’s very easy to develop friends but it’s very hard to see whether or not they’re real friends'''. 
** [[Donald Trump]], An [https://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-stat/graphics/politics/trump-archive/docs/rona-barrett-1980-interview-of-donald-trump.pdf Interview] with [[w:Rona Barrett|Rona Barrett]] (1980)

==V==
* If our friends do us a service, we think they owe it to us by their title of friend. We never think that they do not owe us their friendship.
** [[Vauvenargues]], ''Reflections and Maxims'', E. Lee, trans. (1903), p. 175

* ''Les méchants n’ont que des complices; les voluptueux ont des compagnons de débauche; les intéressés ont des associés; les politiques assemblent des factieux; le commun des hommes oisifs a des liaisons; les princes ont des courtisans; les hommes vertueux ont seuls des amis''.
** The wicked have only accomplices, the voluptuous have only companions in debauchery; self-seekers have only associates; politicians have only their factions; the generality of idle men has only connections; princes have only courtiers; virtuous men alone possess friends.
** [[Voltaire]], ''Dictionnaire philosophique'', “Amitié”

==W==
* Old friends are the great blessing of one's latter years—half a word conveys one's meaning. They have memory of the same events, and have the same mode of thinking.
** [[Horace Walpole]], in a letter from [[w:Strawberry Hill House|Strawberry Hill]], May 27, 1776, to [[w:Sir Horace Mann, 1st Baronet|Sir Horace Mann, 1st Baronet]], as quoted in {{cite book|editor=Greenwood, Alice Drayton|title=Select Letters of Horace Walpole|year=1914|location=London|publisher=G. Bell &amp; Sons|page=320|url=https://babel.hathitrust.org/cgi/pt?id=uc2.ark:/13960/t4mk6853m&amp;view=1up&amp;seq=344}}

* True friendship is a plant of slow growth, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity before it is entitled to the appellation.
** [[George Washington]], Letter to Bushrod Washington (15 January 1783).

* Laughter is not at all a bad beginning for a friendship, and it is far the best ending for one.
** [[Oscar Wilde]], ''[[The Picture of Dorian Gray]]'' (1891), Ch. 1.

* Anybody can sympathise with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature — it requires, in fact, the nature of a true Individualist — to sympathise with a friend's success.
** [[Oscar Wilde]], ''The Soul of Man under Socialism'' (1891).

* I have lost friends, some by death [...] others through sheer inability to cross the street.
** [[Virginia Woolf]], ''The Waves'' (1931), Ch. 7.

==Y==
*Others because you did not keep
:That deep-sworn vow have been friends of mine;
:Yet always when I look death in the face,
:When I clamber to the heights of sleep,
:Or when I grow excited with wine,
:Suddenly I meet your face.
:*[[William Butler Yeats]], “A Deep-sworn Vow”

* You that would judge me, do not judge alone&lt;br&gt;This book or that, come to this hallowed place&lt;br&gt;Where my friends' portraits hang and look thereon,&lt;br&gt;Ireland's history in their lineaments trace,&lt;br&gt;Think where man's glory most begins and ends,&lt;br&gt;And say my glory was I had such friends.
** [[William Butler Yeats]], ''The Municipal Gallery Re-Visited''.

* And friend received with thumps upon the back.
** [[Edward Young]], ''Love of Fame'' (1725-28), Satire I.

* A friend is worth all hazards we can run.
** [[Edward Young]], ''Night Thoughts'' (1742-1745), Night II, line 571.

* A foe to God was ne'er true friend to man,&lt;br&gt;Some sinister intent taints all he does.
** [[Edward Young]], ''Night Thoughts'' (1742-1745), Night VIII, line 704.

==Z==
* Death is mighty, and is no one's friend.
** [[Roger Zelazny]], ''[[Lord of Light]]'' (1967).

* If you go looking for a friend, you’re going to find they’re very scarce. If you go out to be a friend, you’ll find them everywhere.
** [[Zig Ziglar]] as quoted in ''The Power of Respect : Benefit from the Most Forgotten Element of Success'' (2009) by Deborah Norville, p. 65

==''Respectfully Quoted: A Dictionary of Quotations'' (1989)==
* Give me one friend, just one, who meets&lt;br&gt;The needs of all my varying moods.
** [[Esther M. Clark]], &quot;A Plea,&quot; lines 1 and 2, Verses by a Commonplace Person (1906).

* The happiest business in all the world is that of making friends,And no investment on the street pays larger dividends,For life is more than stocks and bonds, and love than rate percent,And he who gives in friendship's name shall reap what he has spent.
** [[Anne S. Eaton]], &quot;The Business of Friendship,&quot; lines 1–4. Seth Parker, Fireside Poems, p. 34 (1933).

* Never Explain—your Friends do not need it and your Enemies will not believe you anyway
** [[Elbert Hubbard]], The Note Book of Elbert Hubbard, opposite p. 176 (1927).

* But friendship is precious, not only in the shade, but in the sunshine of life; and thanks to a benevolent arrangement of things, the greater part of life is sunshine.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], letter to Maria Cosway, October 12, 1786. The Papers of Thomas Jefferson, ed. Julian P. Boyd, vol. 10, p. 449–50 (1954).

* Our cause, then, must be intrusted to, and conducted by, its own undoubted friends—those whose hands are free, whose hearts are in the work—who do care for the result. Two years ago the Republicans of the nation mustered over thirteen hundred thousand strong. We did this under the single impulse of resistance to a common danger, with every external circumstance against us. Of strange, discordant, and even, hostile elements, we gathered from the four winds, and formed and fought the battle through, under the constant hot fire of a disciplined, proud, and pampered enemy. Did we brave all then to falter now?—now when that same enemy is wavering, dissevered, and belligerent? The result is not doubtful. We shall not fail—if we stand firm, we shall not fail. Wise councils may accelerate or mistakes delay it, but, sooner or later, the victory is sure to come.
** [[Abraham Lincoln]], speech delivered at the close of the Republican state convention, which named him the candidate for the United States Senate, Springfield, Illinois, June 16, 1858. The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln, ed. Roy P. Basler, vol. 2, p. 468–69 (1953).

* When someone asked Abraham Lincoln, after he was elected president, what he was going to do about his enemies, he replied, &quot;I am going to destroy them. I am going to make them my friends.&quot;
** Attributed to [[Abraham Lincoln]]. Reported as unverified in ''Respectfully Quoted: A Dictionary of Quotations'' (1989).

* Think where man's glory most begins and ends,&lt;br&gt;And say my glory was I had such friends.
** [[William Butler Yeats]], &quot;The Municipal Gallery Revisited,&quot; lines 54–55, The Variorum Edition of the Poems of W. B. Yeats, ed. Peter Allt and Russell K. Alspach, p. 604 (1957). Senator George McGovern quoted these words of Yeats's in his concession speech following the 1972 presidential election.

==''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations''==
:&lt;small&gt;Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), &quot;Friends&quot;, p. 296-300; &quot;Friendship&quot;, p. 300-302.&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Most Dangerous Game prey.jpg|thumb|right|Friendship, of itself a holy tie,&lt;br&gt;Is made more sacred by adversity. ~ [[John Dryden]]]]
[[File:John George Brown - Sympathy (1885).jpg|thumb|right|I would not enter on my list of friends
(Though graced with polish'd manners and fine sense,
Yet wanting sensibility) the man
Who needlessly sets foot upon a [[worm]]. ~ [[William Cowper]]]]

* Great souls by instinct to each other turn,&lt;br&gt;Demand alliance, and in friendship burn.
** [[Joseph Addison]], ''The Campaign'', line 102.

* The friendship between me and you I will not compare to a chain; for that the rains might rust, or the falling tree might break.
** [[George Bancroft]], ''History of the United States'', ''William Penn's Treaty with the Indians''.

* It is better to avenge a friend than to mourn for him.
** ''[[Beowulf]]'', VII.

* Friend, of my infinite dreams&lt;br&gt; Little enough endures;&lt;br&gt;Little howe'er it seems,&lt;br&gt; It is yours, all yours.
** [[w:Arthur Benson|Arthur Benson]], ''The Gift''.

* Friendship! mysterious cement of the soul,&lt;br&gt;Sweet'ner of life, and solder of society.
** [[Robert Blair]], ''The Grave'', line 87.

* Let my hand,&lt;br&gt;This hand, lie in your own—my own true friend;&lt;br&gt;Aprile! Hand-in-hand with you, Aprile!
** [[Robert Browning]], ''Paracelsus'', scene 5.

* Hand&lt;br&gt;Grasps at hand, eye lights eye in good friendship,&lt;br&gt;And great hearts expand&lt;br&gt;And grow one in the sense of this world's life.
** [[Robert Browning]], ''Saul'', Stanza 7.

* We twa hae run about the braes,&lt;br&gt;And pu'd the gowans fine.
** [[Robert Burns]], ''Auld Lang Syne''.

* Should auld acquaintance be forgot,&lt;br&gt; And never brought to mind?&lt;br&gt;Should auld acquaintance be forgot,&lt;br&gt; And days o' lang syne?
** [[Robert Burns]], ''Auld Lang Syne''. Burns refers to these words as an old folk song. Early version in James Watson's Collection of Scottish Songs (1711).

* Should old acquaintance be forgot,&lt;br&gt; And never thought upon.
** From an old poem by [[w:Robert Aytoun|Robert Ayton of Kincaldie]]

* Should auld acquaintance be forgot,&lt;br&gt; Though they return with scars.
** Allan Ramsay's Version. See his ''Tea-Table Miscellany'' (1724). Transferred after to Johnson's Musical Museum. See S. J. A. Fitzgerald's Stories of Famous Songs.

* His ancient, trusty, drouthy crony,&lt;br&gt;Tam lo'ed him like a vera brither—&lt;br&gt;They had been fou for weeks thegither!
** [[Robert Burns]], ''Tam o' Shanter''.

* Ah! were I sever'd from thy side,&lt;br&gt;Where were thy friend and who my guide?&lt;br&gt;Years have not seen, Time shall not see&lt;br&gt;The hour that tears my soul from thee.
** [[Lord Byron]], ''Bride of Abydos'' (1813), Canto I, Stanza 11.

* Friendship is Love without his wings!
** [[Lord Byron]], ''L'Amitié est l'Amour sans Ailes'', Stanza 1.

* In friendship I early was taught to believe;&lt;br&gt; * * * * * *&lt;br&gt;I have found that a friend may profess, yet deceive.
** [[Lord Byron]], lines addressed to the Rev. J. T. Becher, Stanza 7.

* 'Twas sung, how they were lovely in their lives,&lt;br&gt;And in their deaths had not divided been.
** [[Thomas Campbell]], ''Gertrude of Wyoming'', Part III, Stanza 33.

* Give me the avowed, the erect, the manly foe;&lt;br&gt;Bold I can meet—perhaps may turn his blow;&lt;br&gt;But of all plagues, good Heaven, thy wrath can send,&lt;br&gt;Save, save, oh! save me from the candid friend.
** [[George Canning]], ''The New Morality''.

* Oh, how you wrong our friendship, valiant youth.&lt;br&gt; With friends there is not such a word as debt:&lt;br&gt;Where amity is ty'd with band of truth,&lt;br&gt; All benefits are there in common set.
** [[w:Elizabeth Carew|Lady Carew]], ''Marian''.

* Greatly his foes he dreads, but more his friends,&lt;br&gt;He hurts me most who lavishly commends.
** [[Charles Churchill]], ''The Apology'', line 19.

* Friends I have made, whom Envy must commend,&lt;br&gt;But not one foe whom I would wish a friend.
** [[Charles Churchill]], ''Conference'', line 297.

* Amicus est tanquam alter idem.
** A friend is, as it were, a second self.
** [[Cicero]], ''De Amicitia'', XXI. 80. (Adapted).

* You must therefore love me, myself, and not my circumstances, if we are to be real friends.
** [[Cicero]], ''De Finibus''. Yonge's translation.

* ''Secundas res splendidiores facit amicitia, et adversas partiens communicansque leviores.''
** Friendship makes prosperity brighter, while it lightens adversity by sharing its griefs and anxieties.
** [[Cicero]], ''De Amicitia'', VI.

* ''Vulgo dicitur multos modios salis simul edendos esse, ut amicitia munus expletum sit.''
** It is a common saying that many pecks of salt must be eaten before the duties of friendship can be discharged.
** [[Cicero]], ''De Amicitia'', XIX.

* Friendship is a sheltering tree.
** [[Samuel Taylor Coleridge]], ''Youth and Age''.

* Our very best friends have a tincture of jealousy even in their friendship; and when they hear us praised by others, will ascribe it to sinister and interested motives if they can.
** [[Charles Caleb Colton]], ''Lacon'', p. 80.

* ''Soyons amis, Cinna, c'est moi qui t'en convie.''
** Let us be friends, Cinna, it is I who invite you to be so.
** [[Pierre Corneille]], ''Cinna'', V. 3.

* The man that hails you Tom or Jack,&lt;br&gt;And proves by thumps upon your back&lt;br&gt; How he esteems your merit,&lt;br&gt;Is such a friend, that one had need&lt;br&gt;Be very much his friend indeed&lt;br&gt; To pardon or to bear it.
** [[William Cowper]], ''On Friendship'', 169.

* As we sail through life towards death,&lt;br&gt;Bound unto the same port—heaven,—&lt;br&gt;Friend, what years could us divide?
** [[Dinah Craik]], ''Thirty Years'', ''A Christmas Blessing''.

* Then come the wild weather, come sleet or come snow,&lt;br&gt;We will stand by each other, however it blow.
** [[w:Simon Dach|Simon Dach]], ''Annie of Tharaw''. Longfellow's trans, line 7.

* ''Le sort fait les parents, le choix fait les amis.''
** Chance makes our parents, but choice makes our friends.
** [[Jacques Delille]], ''Pitié

* ''Les amis—ces parents que l'on se fait soi-même.''
** Friends, those relations that one makes for one's self.
** [[Eustache Deschamps]], ''L'Ami''.

* &quot;Wal'r, my boy,&quot; replied the captain; &quot;in the Proverbs of Solomon you will find the following words: 'May we never want a friend in need, nor a bottle to give him!' When found, make a note of.&quot;
** [[Charles Dickens]], ''Dombey and Son'', Volume I, Chapter XV.

* What is the odds so long as the fire of souls is kindled at the taper of conwiviality, and the wing of friendship never moults a feather?
** Charles Dickens, ''Old Curiosity Shop'', Chapter II.

* Fan the sinking flame of hilarity with the wing of friendship; and pass the rosy wine.
** Charles Dickens, ''Old Curiosity Shop'', Chapter VII.

* The pain of parting is nothing to the joy of meeting again.
** [[Charles Dickens]], ''[[w:The Life and Adventures of Nicholas Nickleby|The Life and Adventures of Nicholas Nickleby]]''(1838–1839), Chapter 3.

* For friendship, of itself a holy tie,&lt;br&gt;Is made more sacred by adversity.
** [[John Dryden]], ''The Hind and the Panther'' (1687), Part III, line 47.

* Be kind to my remains; and O defend,&lt;br&gt;Against your judgment, your departed friend.
** [[John Dryden]], ''Epistle to Congreve'', line 72.

* The poor make no new friends;&lt;br&gt; But oh, they love the better still&lt;br&gt;The few our Father sends.
** [[Helen Blackwood, Baroness Dufferin and Claneboye]], ''Lament of the Irish Emigrant''.

* Forsake not an old friend, for the new is not comparable unto him. A new friend is as new wine: when it is old thou shalt drink it with pleasure.
** Ecclesiasticus, IX. 10.

* The fallying out of faithful frends is the reunyng of love.
** [[Richard Edwards]], ''The Paradise of Dainty Devices'', No. 42, Stanza 1.

* Animals are such agreeable friends—they ask no questions, they pass no criticisms.
** [[George Eliot]], ''Mr. Gilfil's Love-Story'', Chapter VII.

* Friendships begin with liking or gratitude—roots that can be pulled up.
** George Eliot, ''Daniel Deronda'' (1876), Book IV, Chapter XXXII.

* So, if I live or die to serve my friend,&lt;br&gt;'Tis for my love —' tis for my friend alone,&lt;br&gt;And not for any rate that friendship bears&lt;br&gt;In heaven or on earth.
** [[George Eliot]], ''Spanish Gypsy''.

* To act the part of a true friend requires more conscientious feeling than to fill with credit and complacency any other station or capacity in social life.
** [[w: Sarah Stickney Ellis| Sarah Stickney Ellis]], ''Pictures of Private Life'', Second Series, ''The Pains of Pleasing'', Chapter IV.

* A day for toil, an hour for sport,&lt;br&gt;But for a friend is life too short.
** [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], ''Considerations by the Way''.

* Friendship should be surrounded with ceremonies and respects, and not crushed into corners. Friendship requires more time than poor, busy men can usually command.
** [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], ''Essays'', Behavior.

* The highest compact we can make with our fellow is, — Let there be truth between us two forevermore. * * * It is sublime to feel and say of another, I need never meet, or speak, or write to him; we need not reinforce ourselves or send tokens of remembrance; I rely on him as on myself; if he did thus or thus, I know it was right.
** [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], ''Essays'', Behavior.

* I hate the prostitution of the name of friendship to signify modish and worldly alliances.
** [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], ''Essays'', ''Of Friendship

* The condition which high friendship demands is ability to do without it.
** [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], ''Essays'', ''Of Friendship

* There can never be deep peace between two spirits, never mutual respect, until, in their dialogue, each stands for the whole world.
** [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], ''Essays'', ''Of Friendship

* A sudden thought strikes me—Let us swear an eternal friendship.
** [[John H. Frere]], ''The Rovers'', Act I.

* Friendship, like love, is but a name,&lt;br&gt;Unless to one you stint the flame.
** [[John Gay]], ''The Hare with Many Friends''.

* To friendship every burden's light.
** [[John Gay]], ''The Hare with Many Friends''.

* Who friendship with a knave hath made,&lt;br&gt;Is judg'd a partner in the trade.
** [[John Gay]], ''Old Woman and Her Cats''.

* 'Tis thus that on the choice of friends&lt;br&gt;Our good or evil name depends.
** [[John Gay]], ''Old Woman and Her Cats'', Part I.

* An open foe may prove a curse,&lt;br&gt;But a pretended friend is worse.
** [[John Gay]], ''Shepherd's Dog and the Wolf'', line 33.

* ''Wer nicht die Welt in seinen Freunden sieht&lt;br&gt;Verdient nicht, dass die Welt von ihm erfahre.''
** He who does not see the whole world in his friends, does not deserve that the world should hear of him.
** [[Johann Wolfgang von Goethe]], ''Torquato Tasso'', I. 3. 68.

* And what is friendship but a name,&lt;br&gt; A charm that lulls to sleep;&lt;br&gt;A shade that follows wealth or fame,&lt;br&gt; And leaves the wretch to weep?
** [[Oliver Goldsmith]], ''Edwin and Angelina, or The Hermit'', Stanza 19.

* Dear lost companions of my tuneful art,&lt;br&gt; Dear as the light that visits these sad eyes,&lt;br&gt;Dear as the ruddy drops that warm my heart.
** [[Thomas Gray]], ''The Bard'', Stanza 3.

* A favourite has no friend.
** [[Thomas Gray]], ''On a Favourite Cat Drowned'', Stanza 6.

* We never know the true value of friends. While they live, we are too sensitive of their faults; when we have lost them, we only see their virtues.
** J. C. and A. W. Hare, ''Guesses at Truth''.

* Friendship closes its eye, rather than see the moon eclipst; while malice denies that it is ever at the full.
** J. C. and A. W. Hare, ''Guesses at Truth''.

* Friendship is Love, without either flowers or veil.
** J. C. and A. W. Hare, ''Guesses at Truth''.

* Devout, yet cheerful; pious, not austere;&lt;br&gt;To others lenient, to himself sincere.
** [[J. M. Harvey]], ''On a Friend''.

* Before you make a friend eat a bushel of salt with him.
** [[George Herbert]], ''Jacula Prudentum'' (1651).

* For my boyhood's friend hath fallen, the pillar of my trust,&lt;br&gt;The true, the wise, the beautiful, is sleeping in the dust.
** [[w:George Stillman Hillard|George Stillman Hillard]], ''On Death of Motley''.

* Fast as the rolling seasons bring&lt;br&gt; The hour of fate to those we love,&lt;br&gt;Each pearl that leaves the broken string&lt;br&gt; Is set in Friendship's crown above.&lt;br&gt;As narrower grows the earthly chain,&lt;br&gt; The circle widens in the sky;&lt;br&gt;These are our treasures that remain,&lt;br&gt; But those are stars that beam on high.
** [[Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.]], ''Songs of Many Seasons'', ''Our Classmate, F. W. C.'', 1864.

* A generous friendship no cold medium knows,&lt;br&gt;Burns with one love, with one resentment glows;&lt;br&gt;One should our interests and our passions be,&lt;br&gt;My friend must hate the man that injures me.
** [[Homer]], ''The Iliad'', Book IX, line 725. Pope's translation.

* Two friends, two bodies with one soul inspir'd.
** [[Homer]], ''The Iliad'', Book XVI, line 267. Pope's translation.

* Dulcis inexpertis cultura potentis amici;&lt;br&gt;Expertus metuit.
** To have a great man for an intimate friend seems pleasant to those who have never tried it; those who have, fear it.
** [[Horace]], ''Epistles'', I. 18. 86.

* True friends appear less mov'd than counterfeit.
** [[Horace]], ''Of the Art of Poetry'', line 486. Wentworth Dillon's translation.

* The new is older than the old;&lt;br&gt;And newest friend is oldest friend in this:&lt;br&gt;That, waiting him, we longest grieved to miss&lt;br&gt;One thing we sought.
** [[Helen Hunt Jackson]], ''My New Friend''.

* If a man does not make new acquaintances, as he advances through life, he will soon find himself left alone. A man, Sir, should keep his friendship in constant repair.
** [[Samuel Johnson]], reported in [[James Boswell]], ''Life of Johnson'' (1755).

* Friendship, peculiar boon of Heaven,&lt;br&gt; The noble mind's delight and pride,&lt;br&gt;To men and angels only given,&lt;br&gt; To all the lower world denied.
** [[Samuel Johnson]], ''Friendship'', ''An Ode''.

* The endearing elegance of female friendship.
** [[Samuel Johnson]], ''Rasselas'', Chapter XLVI.

* To let friendship die away by negligence and silence, is certainly not wise. It is voluntarily to throw away one of the greatest comforts of this weary pilgrimage.
** [[Samuel Johnson]], ''[[w:The Life of Samuel Johnson|Life of Samuel Johnson]]'' (1791), Vol IV. March 20, 1782.

* True happiness&lt;br&gt;Consists not in the multitude of friends,&lt;br&gt;But in the worth and choice. Nor would I have&lt;br&gt;Virtue a popular regard pursue:&lt;br&gt;Let them be good that love me, though but few.
** [[Ben Jonson]], ''Cynthia's Revels, Act III, scene 2.

* 'Tis sweet, as year by year we lose&lt;br&gt;Friends out of sight, in faith to muse&lt;br&gt;How grows in Paradise our store.
** [[John Keble]], ''Burial of the Dead'', Stanza 11.

* One faithful Friend is enough for a man's self, 'tis much to meet with such an one, yet we can't have too many for the sake of others.
** [[Jean de La Bruyère]], ''The Characters or Manners of the Present Age'' (1688), Chapter V.

* In Friendship we only see those faults which may be prejudicial to our friends. In love we see no faults but those by which we suffer ourselves.
** [[Jean de La Bruyère]], ''The Characters or Manners of the Present Age'' (1688), Chapter V.

* Love and friendship exclude each other.
** [[Jean de La Bruyère]], ''The Characters or Manners of the Present Age'' (1688), Chapter V.

* Pure friendship is something which men of an inferior intellect can never taste.
** [[Jean de La Bruyère]], ''The Characters or Manners of the Present Age'' (1688), Chapter V.

* Friend of my bosom, thou more than a brother,&lt;br&gt;Why wert not thou born in my father's dwelling?
** [[Charles Lamb]], ''The Old Familiar Faces''.

* * The better part of one's life consists of his friendships.
** [[Abraham Lincoln]], [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln2/1:88.1?rgn=div2;view=fulltext Letter to Joseph Gillespie] (13 July 1849).

* I desire so to conduct the affairs of this administration that if at the end, when I come to lay down the reins of power, I have lost every other friend on earth, I shall at least have one friend left, and that friend shall be down inside of me.
** [[Abraham Lincoln]], ''Reply to Missouri Committee of Seventy'' (1864).

* Alas! to-day I would give everything&lt;br&gt;To see a friend's face, or hear a voice&lt;br&gt;That had the slightest tone of comfort in it.
** [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]], ''Judas Maccabæus'', Act IV, scene 3, line 32.

* My designs and labors&lt;br&gt;And aspirations are my only friends.
** [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]], ''Masque of Pandora'', ''Tower of Prometheus on Mount Caucasus'', Part III, line 74.

* Ah, how good it feels!&lt;br&gt;The hand of an old friend.
** [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]], ''New England Tragedies''; ''John Endicott'', Act IV, scene 1.

* ''Quien te conseja encobria de tus amigos.&lt;br&gt;Engañar te quiere assaz, y sin testigos.''
** He who advises you to be reserved to your friends wishes to betray you without witnesses.
** [[w:Juan Manuel, Prince of Villena|Juan Manuel, Prince of Villena]] in ''[[w:Tales of Count Lucanor|Tales of Count Lucanor]]'' (1575).

* ''Nulla fides regni sociis omnisque potestas&lt;br&gt;Impatiens consortis erit.''
** There is no friendship between those associated in power; he who rules will always be impatient of an associate.
** [[Marcus Annaeus Lucanus]], Pharsalia. I. 92.

* Let the falling out of friends be a renewing of affection.
** [[John Lyly]], ''Euphues''.

* Women, like princes, find few real friends.
** [[George Lyttelton, 1st Baron Lyttelton]], ''Advice to a Lady'', Stanza 2.

* A true [[friend]] is forever a friend.
** [[George MacDonald]], ''The Marquis of Lossie'' (1877).

* Friends are like melons. Shall I tell you why?&lt;br&gt;To find one good, you must a hundred try.
** [[w:fr:Claude Mermet|Claude Mermet]], ''Epigram on Friends''.

* My fair one, let us swear an eternal friendship.
** [[Molière]], Le Bourgeois Gentilhomme, Act IV, scene 1.

* The wiser a man becomes the more numerous are the men whom he dislikes, only if he is really wise, he does not tell anyone of his dislikes, unless he finds it necessary to cement a friendship with a man (or a woman) by talking about a mutual enemy.  There is no stronger bond of friendship than a common enemy.
** [[w:Frank Frankfort Moore|F. Frankfort Moore]], ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=q3VUAAAAYAAJ&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;dq=inauthor:%22Frankfort+Moore%22+%22A+Trial+Marriage%22&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0ahUKEwik1b3j4bXRAhUH-2MKHQO7DF4Q6AEIHDAA#v=onepage&amp;q=inauthor%3A%22Frankfort%20Moore%22%20%22A%20Trial%20Marriage%22&amp;f=false A Trial Marriage]'', p. 9

* Oh, call it by some better name,&lt;br&gt;For Friendship sounds too cold.
** [[Thomas Moore]], Oh, call it by some better Name.

* Forsooth, brethren, fellowship is heaven and lack of fellowship is hell; fellowship is life and lack of fellowship is death; and the deeds that ye do upon the earth, it is for fellowship's sake that ye do them.
** [[William Morris]], ''Dream of John Ball'', Chapter IV.

* We have been friends together&lt;br&gt;In sunshine and in shade.
** Caroline E. S. Norton ''We Have Been Friends''.

* ''Vulgus amicitias utilitate probat.''
** The vulgar herd estimate friendship by its advantages.
** [[Ovid]], ''Epistolæ Ex Ponto'', II. 3. 8.

* ''Scilicet ut fulvum spectatur in ignibus aurum&lt;br&gt;Tempore in duro est inspicienda fides.''
** As the yellow gold is tried in fire, so the faith of friendship must be seen in adversity.
** [[Ovid]], ''Tristium'', I. 5. 25.

* ''Cætera fortunæ, non mea, turba fuit.''
** The rest of the crowd were friends of my fortune, not of me.
** [[Ovid]], ''Tristium'', I. 5. 34.

* Prosperity makes friends and adversity tries them.
** Idea found in [[Plautus]], ''Stich'', IV. 1. 16. [[Ovid]], ''Epigram ex Ponto'', II. 3. 23. [[Ovid]], ''Trist.'' I. 9. 5. [[Ennius]], ''Cic. Amicit'', Chapter XVII. [[Metastasio]], ''Olimpiade'', III. 3. [[Johann Gottfried Herder]], ''Denksprüche''. [[Pedro Calderón de la Barca]], ''Secret in Words'', Act III, scene 3. [[Menander]], ''Ex Incest. Comoed'', p. 272. [[Aristotle]], ''Ethics'' VIII. 4. [[Euripides]], ''Hecuba'', line 1226.

* ''Quod tuum'st meum'st; omne meum est autem tuum.''
** What is thine is mine, and all mine is thine.
** [[Plautus]], ''Trinummus'', II. 2. 47.

* There is nothing that is meritorious but virtue and friendship; and indeed friendship itself is only a part of virtue.
** [[Alexander Pope]], reported in Johnson's ''Lives of the Poets''; ''Life of Pope''.

* Absent or dead, still let a friend be dear,&lt;br&gt;(A sigh the absent claims, the dead a tear.)
** Alexander Pope, ''Epistle to Robert, Earl of Oxford''.

* A man that hath friends must show himself friendly; and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.
** Proverbs, XVIII. 24.

* Faithful are the wounds of a friend.
** Proverbs, XXVII. 6.

* Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.
** Proverbs, XXVII. 17.

* Mine own familiar friend.
** Psalms. XLI. 9.

* Our triumphs seem hollow unless we have friends to share them, and our failures are made bearable by their understanding.
** [[James Rachels]], ''The Elements of Moral Philosophy'', 1986.

* There is no treasure the which may be compared unto a faithful friend;&lt;br&gt;Gold soone decayeth, and worldly wealth consumeth, and wasteth in the winde;&lt;br&gt;But love once planted in a perfect and pure minde indureth weale and woe;&lt;br&gt;The frownes of fortune, come they never so unkinde, cannot the same overthrowe.
** Roxburghe Ballads. ''The Bride's Good-Morrow''. Ed. by John Payne Collier.

* ''Idem velle et idem nolle ea demum firma amicitia est.''
** To desire the same things and to reject the same things, constitutes true friendship.
** [[Sallust]], ''Catilina'', XX. From Catiline's Oration to his Associates.

* Saul and Jonathan were lovely and pleasant in their lives, and in their death they were not divided.
** 2 Samuel. 1:23.

* Dear is my friend—yet from my foe, as from my friend, comes good:&lt;br&gt;My friend shows what I can do, and my foe what I should.
** [[Friedrich Schiller]], ''Votive Tablets'', ''Friend and Foe''.

* ''Amicitia semper prodest, amor etiam aliquando nocet.''
** Friendship always benefits; love sometimes injures.
** [[Seneca the Younger]], ''Epistolæ Ad Lucilium'', XXXV.

* To hear him speak, and sweetly smile&lt;br&gt;You were in Paradise the while.
** Sir [[Philip Sidney]], ''Friend's Passion for his Astrophel''. Attributed also to Spenser and Roydon.

* Madam, I have been looking for a person who disliked gravy all my life; let us swear eternal friendship.
** [[Sydney Smith]], in ''Lady Holland's Memoir'' (1855) , p. 257; &quot;Let us swear an eternal friendship. Poetry of the Anti-Jacobin. The Rovers&quot;.

* Life is to be fortified by many friendships. To love, and to be loved, is the greatest happiness of existence.
** [[Sydney Smith]], ''Lady Holland's Memoir'' (1855), &quot;Of Friendship&quot;.

* For to cast away a virtuous friend, I call as bad as to cast away one's own life, which one loves best.
** [[Sophocles]], ''Œdipus Tyrannis''. Oxford translation. Revised by Buckley.

* For whoever knows how to return a kindness he has received must be a friend above all price.
** [[Sophocles]], ''Philoctetes''. Oxford translation. Revised by Buckley.

* 'Tis something to be willing to commend;&lt;br&gt;But my best praise is, that I am your friend.
** [[Thomas Southerne]], ''To Mr. Congreve on the Old Bachelor'', last lines.

* It's an owercome sooth fo' age an' youth,&lt;br&gt; And it brooks wi' nae denial,&lt;br&gt;That the dearest friends are the auldest friends,&lt;br&gt; And the young are just on trial.
** [[Robert Louis Stevenson]], ''Underwoods'', ''It's an Owercome Sooth''.

* I thought you and he were hand-in-glove.
** [[Jonathan Swift]], ''Polite Conversation'' (c. 1738), Dialogue II.

* ''Amici vitium ni feras, prodis tuum''.
** Unless you bear with the faults of a friend you betray your own.
** [[Syrus]], ''Maxims''.

* ''Amicum lædere ne joco quidem licet''.
** A friend must not be injured, even in jest.
** [[Syrus]], ''Maxims''.

* ''Secrete amicos admone, lauda palam''.
** Reprove your friends in secret, praise them openly.
** [[Syrus]], ''Maxims''.

* A good man is the best friend, and therefore soonest to be chosen, longer to be retained; and indeed, never to be parted with, unless he cease to be that for which he was chosen.
** [[Jeremy Taylor]], ''A Discourse of the Nature, Measures, and Offices of Friendship''.

* Choose for your friend him that is wise and good, and secret and just, ingenious and honest, and in those things which have a latitude, use your own liberty.
** [[Jeremy Taylor]], ''A Discourse of the Nature, Measures, and Offices of Friendship''.

* When I choose my friend, I will not stay till I have received a kindness; but I will choose such a one that can do me many if I need them; but I mean such kindnesses which make me wiser, and which make me better.
** [[Jeremy Taylor]], ''A Discourse of the Nature, Measures, and Offices of Friendship''.

* Friendship is like rivers, and the strand of seas, and the air, common to all the world; but tyrants, and evil customs, wars, and want of love, have made them proper and peculiar.
** [[Jeremy Taylor]], ''A Discourse of the Nature, Measures, and Offices of Friendship''.

* Nature and religion are the bands of friendship, excellence and usefulness are its great endearments.
** [[Jeremy Taylor]], ''A Discourse of the Nature, Measures, and Offices of Friendship''.

* Some friendships are made by nature, some by contract, some by interest, and some by souls.
** [[Jeremy Taylor]], ''A Discourse of the Nature, Measures, and Offices of Friendship''.

* O friendship, equal-poised control,&lt;br&gt; O heart, with kindliest motion warm,&lt;br&gt; O sacred essence, other form,&lt;br&gt;O solemn ghost, O crowned soul!
** [[Alfred Tennyson]], ''[[In Memoriam A.H.H.]]'' (1849), LXXXV.

* Then came your new friend: you began to change—&lt;br&gt;I saw it and grieved.
** Alfred Tennyson, ''The Princess'' (1847), IV, line 279.

* ''Ego meorum solus sum meus.''
** Of my friends I am the only one I have left.
** [[Terence]], ''Phormio'', IV. 1. 21.

* ''Fidus Achates.''
** Faithful Achates (companion of Æneas).
** [[Virgil]], ''[[w:Aeneid|Æneid]]'' (29-19 BC), VI. 158.

* God save me from my friends, I can protect myself from my enemies.
** Attributed to [[Claude Louis Hector de Villars]] on taking leave of [[w:Louis XIV of France|Louis XIV]]

* True friendship is a plant of slow growth, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity, before it is entitled to the appellation.
** [[George Washington]], ''Social Maxims'', ''Friendship''.

* A slender acquaintance with the world must convince every man, that actions, not words, are the true criterion of the attachment of friends; and that the most liberal professions of good-will are very far from being the surest marks of it.
** [[George Washington]], ''Social Maxims'', ''Friendship'', ''Actions, not Words''.

* I have friends in Spirit Land,—&lt;br&gt;Not shadows in a shadowy band,&lt;br&gt;Not others but themselves are they,&lt;br&gt;And still I think of them the same&lt;br&gt;As when the Master's summons came.
** [[John Greenleaf Whittier]], ''Lucy Hooper''.

* Poets, like friends to whom you are in debt, you hate.
** [[William Wycherley]], ''The Plain Dealer'', Prologue.

* Friendship's the wine of life: but friendship new * * * is neither strong nor pure.
** [[Edward Young]], ''Night Thoughts'' (1742-1745), Night II, line 582.

==''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895)==
:&lt;small&gt;Quotes reported in Josiah Hotchkiss Gilbert, ''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895).&lt;/small&gt;
* I consider beyond all wealth, honor, or even health, is the attachment due to noble souls; because to become one with the good, generous, and true, is to be, in a manner, good, generous, and true yourself.
** Dr. [[Thomas Arnold]], p. 254.

* The friendship of high and sanctified spirits loses nothing by death but its alloy; failings disappear, and the virtues of those whose faces we shall behold no more appear greater and more sacred when beheld through the shades of the sepulchre.
** [[Robert Hall]], p. 254.

* Character is so largely affected by associations that we cannot afford to be indifferent as to who and what our friends are. They write their names in our albums, but they do more, they help make us what we are. Be therefore careful in selecting them; and when wisely selected, never sacrifice them.
** M. Hulburd, p. 255.

* Friendship is a cadence of divine melody melting through the heart.
** Charles Mildway, p. 255.

* A good man is the best friend, and therefore soonest to be chosen, longest to be retained, and indeed never to be parted with, unless he cease to be that for which he was chosen.
** [[Jeremy Taylor]], p. 254.

==See also==
* [[Love]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
{{wiktionary|friendship}}
{{wikiversity|Happiness and Life#Have a Happy Relationship}}

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      <text bytes="538875" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Abraham Lincoln O-77 matte collodion print.jpg|thumb|Let us have [[faith]] that [[Righteousness|right]] makes [[might]], and in that faith let us to the end dare to do our [[duty]] as we [[understand]] it.]]
'''[[w:Abraham Lincoln|Abraham Lincoln]]''' ([[February 12|12 February]] [[1809]] &amp;ndash; [[April 15|15 April]] [[1865]]) was the [[w:List of presidents of the United States|16th president of the United States]], serving from March 1861 until [[Assassination of Abraham Lincoln|his assassination in April 1865]]. Initially entering politics as a [[w:Whig Party (United States)|Whig]], he became a member of the US congress from Illinois, and later the first [[Republican Party (United States)|Republican]] president, leading [[Union (United States)|Union]] forces throughout the moral, constitutional, political and military crises of the [[American Civil War]], during which he abolished [[slavery]] and strengthened the U.S. government.
[[File:Abraham Lincoln O-116 by Gardner, 1865.png|thumb|With [[malice]] toward none, with [[charity]] for [[all]]; with firmness in the right, as [[God]] gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the [[work]] we are in; to bind up the nation's wounds; to care for him who shall have borne the battle, and for his widow, and his orphan — to do all which may achieve and cherish a just, and a lasting [[peace]], among ourselves, and with all [[nations]].]]

== Quotes ==
[[File:Eastman Johnson, The boyhood of Lincoln, an evening in the log hut, 1868.jpg|thumb|Upon the subject of [[education]], not presuming to dictate any plan or [[system]] respecting it, I can only say that I view it as the most important subject which we as a people can be engaged in.]]&lt;!-- 9 March 1832 --&gt;
[[File:MaryToddLincoln.jpg|thumb|I can never be satisfied with anyone who would be blockhead enough to have me.]]&lt;!-- 1 April 1838 --&gt;
[[File:1858 Abraham Lincoln portrait from campaign button.png|thumb|The probability that we may fall in the struggle ought not to deter us from the support of a cause we believe to be just; it shall not deter me.]]&lt;!-- 1839 --&gt;
[[File:Boeing AH-64 Apache helicopter with rainbow around Oahu, Hawaii.jpg|thumb|Military glory, — that attractive rainbow that rises in showers of blood.''']]&lt;!-- 12 January 1848) --&gt;
[[File:Abelincoln1846.jpeg|thumb|Allow the President to invade a neighboring [[nation]] whenever he shall deem it necessary... and you allow him to make [[war]] at pleasure.]]&lt;!-- 15 February 1848 --&gt;
[[File:United States penny, obverse, 2002.png|thumb|The true rule, in determining to embrace, or reject any thing, is not whether it have any [[evil]] in it; but whether it have more of evil, than of good.]]&lt;!-- 20 June 1848 --&gt;
[[File:Abraham Lincoln - Better Vision Institute ad, 1948.jpg|thumb|Determine that the thing can and shall be done, and then we shall find the way.]]&lt;!-- 20 June 1848 --&gt;
[[File:Abraham Lincoln circa 1860.png |thumb|The better part of one's life consists of his [[friendships]].]]&lt;!-- 13 July 1849 --&gt;
[[File:SH Lincoln Mem 6-12-14 391.jpg|thumb|Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed, is more important than any other one thing.]]&lt;!-- 5 November 1855 --&gt;
[[File:Thomas Hicks - Leopold Grozelier - Presidential Candidate Abraham Lincoln 1860.jpg|thumb|We live in the midst of alarms; anxiety beclouds the future; we expect some new disaster with each newspaper we read.]]&lt;!-- 29 May 1856 --&gt;
[[File:Abraham_Lincoln_O-36_by_Butler,_1860-crop.jpg|thumb|Those who deny [[freedom]] to others, deserve it not for themselves; and, under a just [[God]], can not long retain it.]]&lt;!-- 1859 --&gt;
[[File:Abraham Lincoln by George Clark, 1860 campaign ambrotype.jpg|thumb|Understanding the spirit of our institutions to aim at the elevation of men, I am opposed to whatever tends to degrade them.]]&lt;!-- 17 May 1859 --&gt;
[[File:Lincoln-heslerlg.jpg|thumb| Free labor has the inspiration of hope; pure slavery has no hope.]]&lt;!-- 17 September 1859? --&gt;
[[File:Scene_at_the_Signing_of_the_Constitution_of_the_United_States.jpg |thumb|Don't interfere with anything in the Constitution. That must be maintained, for it is the only safeguard of our liberties. And not to Democrats alone do I make this appeal, but to all who love these great and true principles.]]&lt;!-- (27 August 1856) --&gt;
[[File:Supreme Court of the United States - Philosophical Swag.jpg|thumb|The people of these United States are the rightful masters of both Congresses and courts, not to overthrow the Constitution, but to overthrow the men who pervert the Constitution.]]
[[File:Jacek Malczewski - Na etapie (Aresztanci).jpg|thumb|400px|The Autocrat of all the Russias will resign his crown, and proclaim his subjects free republicans sooner than will our American masters voluntarily give up their slaves.]]
[[File:1660 blk 19329 zoom.png|thumb|Discourage litigation. Persuade your neighbors to compromise whenever you can. Point out to them how the nominal winner is often a real loser — in fees, expenses, and waste of time.]]&lt;!-- 1 July 1850? --&gt;
[[File:Collier's 1921 Lincoln Abraham - cabinet meeting.jpg |thumb|The legitimate object of government, is to do for a community of people, whatever they need to have done, but can not do, at all, or can not, so well do, for themselves — in their separate, and individual capacities. In all that the people can individually do as well for themselves, government ought not to interfere.]]&lt;!-- 1 July 1854? --&gt;
[[File:Jean Leon Gerome Ferris - The Railsplitter (1909).png |thumb|Our defense is in the preservation of the spirit which prizes liberty as the heritage of all men, in all lands, everywhere.]]&lt;!-- 11 September 1858 --&gt;
[[File:SlavesForSaleNewOrleans1861.jpeg|thumb|You mean the whites are intellectually the superiors of the blacks, and, therefore have the right to enslave them? Take care again. By this rule, you are to be slave to the first man you meet, with an intellect superior to your own.]]&lt;!-- 1 April 1854? --&gt;
[[File:Lincoln O-5 by Byers, 1858.png|thumb|I believe each individual is naturally entitled to do as he pleases with himself and the fruit of his labor, so far as it in no wise interferes with any other man's rights.]]&lt;!-- 10 July 1858 --&gt;

=== 1820s ===

* Abraham Lincoln &lt;br /&gt; his hand and pen &lt;br /&gt; he will be good but &lt;br /&gt; god knows When
** [http://www.loc.gov/rr/program/bib/prespoetry/al.html#1 Manuscript poem, as a teenager (ca. 1824–1826)], in [http://www.loc.gov/rr/program/bib/prespoetry/al.html &quot;Lincoln as Poet&quot; at ''Library of Congress : Presidents as Poets''] also in ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln'' (1953) edited by Roy. P. Basler, Vol. 1

* Abraham Lincoln is my name &lt;br /&gt; And with my pen I wrote the same &lt;br /&gt; I wrote in both hast and speed &lt;br /&gt; and left it here for fools to read
** Manuscript poem, as a teenager (ca. 1824–1826), in [http://www.loc.gov/rr/program/bib/prespoetry/al.html &quot;Lincoln as Poet&quot; at ''Library of Congress : Presidents as Poets''], as published in ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln'' (1953) edited by Roy. P. Basler, Vol. 1

=== 1830s ===
* '''Upon the subject of [[Education in the United States|education]], not presuming to dictate any plan or system respecting it, I can only say that I view it as the most important subject which we as a people can be engaged in.''' That every man may receive at least a moderate education, and thereby be enabled to read the histories of his own and other countries, by which he may duly appreciate the value of our free institutions, appears to be an object of vital importance, even on this account alone, to say nothing of the advantages and satisfaction to be derived from all being able to read the [[The Bible|Scriptures]], and other works both of a religious and moral nature, for themselves.
** [[s:Life_and_Works_of_Abraham_Lincoln/Volume_3/The_Improvement_of_Sangamon_River#6|Address Delivered in Candidacy for the State Legislature]] (9 March 1832)

* '''Every man is said to have his peculiar ambition. Whether it be true or not, I can say, for one, that I have no other so great as that of being truly esteemed of my fellow-men, by rendering myself worthy of their esteem.'''
** [[s:Life_and_Works_of_Abraham_Lincoln/Volume_3/The_Improvement_of_Sangamon_River#6|Address Delivered in Candidacy for the State Legislature]] (9 March 1832)

* '''These [[Capitalism|capitalists]] generally act harmoniously and in concert to fleece the people, and now that they have got into a quarrel with themselves, we are called upon to appropriate the people's money to settle the quarrel.'''
** Speech to Illinois legislature (January 1837); This is &quot;Lincoln's First Reported Speech&quot;, found in the ''Sangamo Journal'' (28 January 1837) according to ''McClure's Magazine'' (March 1896); also in ''Lincoln's Complete Works'' (1905) ed. by [[w:John George Nicolay|Nicolay]] and Hay, Vol. 1, p. 24

*I am mighty near one.
**[https://books.google.com/books?id=oERgfRqL2vUC&amp;pg=PA124&amp;dq=mighty When asked if he was an abolitionist (1837)]

* Whatever Spiteful fools may Say — &lt;br /&gt; Each jealous, ranting yelper — &lt;br /&gt; No woman ever played the whore &lt;br /&gt; Unless She had a man to help her.
** A stanza of Lincoln's [http://lincoln.lib.niu.edu/islandora/object/niu-lincoln%3A35129 &quot;On Seduction&quot; (1837-39) as conveyed by James H. Matheny (1865 or 1866)]

* I have now come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying, and for this reason; '''I can never be satisfied with anyone who would be blockhead enough to have me.'''
** [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln1/1:134?rgn=div1;view=fulltext Letter to Mrs. Orville H. Browning (1 April 1838)], Collected Works, vol. 1. p. 119

* Broken by it, I, too, may be; bow to it I never will. '''The probability that we may fall in the struggle ought not to deter us from the support of a cause we believe to be just; it shall not deter me.''' If ever I feel the soul within me elevate and expand to those dimensions not wholly unworthy of its Almighty Architect, it is when I contemplate the cause of my country, deserted by all the world beside, and I standing up boldly and alone and hurling defiance at her victorious oppressors. Here, without contemplating consequences, before High Heaven, and in the face of the world, I swear eternal fidelity to the just cause, as I deem it, of the land of my life, my liberty and my love. And who, that thinks with me, will not fearlessly adopt the oath that I take? '''Let none falter, who thinks he is right, and we may succeed. But, if after all, we shall fail, be it so. We still shall have the proud consolation of saying to our consciences, and to the departed shade of our country's freedom, that the cause approved of our judgment, and adored of our hearts, in disaster, in chains, in torture, in death, we NEVER faltered in defending.'''
** Speech of the Sub-Treasury (1839), ''Collected Works'' [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/t/text/text-idx?c=lincoln;cc=lincoln;view=text;idno=lincoln1;rgn=div1;node=lincoln1:193 1:178-9]
** Variant (misspelling): The probability that we may ''fail'' in the struggle ought not to deter us from the support of a cause we believe to be just; ''and'' it shall not deter me.

====Illinois House Journal (1837)====
:&lt;small&gt;Protest entered, pages 817-818 of the House Journal, March 3, by Lincoln with Dan Stone, another representative of Sangomon, briefly defined his position on the slavery question. According to his autobiography, written June, 1860, and following his nomination for President, &quot;...his position on the slavery question ...so far as it goes, it was then the same that it is now.&quot; Quoted from ''A Short Autobiography, Written in June 1860, at the Request of a Friend to use in preparing a Popular Campaign Biography at the Election of that Year'', in ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=ISg9AAAAYAAJ The Autobiography of Abraham Lincoln]'' (1905) pp. 19-21.&lt;/small&gt;

* Resolutions upon the subject of domestic slavery having passed both branches of the [[w:Illinois General Assembly|General Assembly]] at its present session, the undersigned hereby protest against the passage of the same.

* They believe that the institution of slavery is founded on both injustice and bad policy, but that the promulgation of Abolition doctrines tends rather to increase than abate its evils.

* They believe that the [[United States Congress|Congress of the United States]] has no power under the [[United States Constitution|Constitution]] to interfere with the institution of slavery in the different States.

==== [[w:Abraham Lincoln's Lyceum address|The Lyceum Address]] (1838) ====
:&lt;small&gt;[[s:The Lyceum Address|The Perpetuation of Our Political Institutions : Lincoln's address to the Young Men's Lyceum of Springfield, Illinois]] (27 January 1838)&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Abraham lincoln by george grey barnard cincinnati 2006.jpg |thumb|If destruction be our lot, we must ourselves be its author and finisher. As a nation of freemen, we must live through all time, or die by suicide.]]
[[File:Americana 1920 Lincoln Abraham.jpg |thumb|Let every American, every lover of liberty, every well-wisher to his posterity swear by the blood of the Revolution never to violate in the least particular the laws of the country, and never to tolerate their violation by others.]]
[[File:Abraham Lincoln at Home 1865.jpg |thumb|Let every man remember that to violate the law is to trample on the blood of his father, and to tear the charter of his own and his children's liberty. Let reverence for the laws be breathed by every American mother to the lisping babe...]]
[[File:Captain Abraham Lincoln1.jpg|thumb|There is no grievance that is a fit object of redress by mob law.]]
[[File:The Library of Congress - (Abraham Lincoln, U.S. President. Seated portrait, holding glasses and newspaper, Aug. 9, 1863) (LOC).jpg|thumb|Passion has helped us; but can do so no more. It will in future be our enemy. Reason, cold, calculating, unimpassioned reason, must furnish all the materials for our future support and defence.]]

* We find ourselves under the government of a system of political institutions, conducing more essentially to the ends of civil and [[Freedom of religion|religious liberty]], than any of which the history of former times tells us. We, when mounting the stage of existence, found ourselves the legal inheritors of these fundamental blessings. We toiled not in the acquirement or establishment of them; they are a legacy bequeathed us by a once hardy, brave, and patriotic, but now lamented and departed, race of ancestors. Theirs was the task (and nobly they performed it) to possess themselves, and through themselves us, of this goodly land, and to uprear upon its hills and its valleys '''a political edifice of liberty and equal rights'''; 'tis ours only '''to transmit these — the former unprofaned by the foot of an invader, the latter undecayed by the lapse of time and untorn by usurpation — to the latest generation''' that fate shall permit the world to know. '''This task gratitude to our fathers, justice to ourselves, duty to posterity, and love for our species in general, all imperatively require us faithfully to perform.'''

* At what point shall we expect the approach of danger? By what means shall we fortify against it? — Shall we expect some transatlantic military giant, to step the Ocean, and crush us at a blow? Never! — All the armies of [[Europe]], [[Asia]] and [[Africa]] combined, with all the [[Wealth|treasure]] of the earth (our own excepted) in their military chest; with a [[Napoleon Bonaparte|Bonaparte]] for a commander, could not by force, take a drink from the [[w:Ohio River|Ohio]], or make a track on the Blue Ridge, in a trial of a thousand years. &lt;br /&gt; '''At what point then is the approach of danger to be expected? I answer, if it ever reach us, it must spring up amongst us. It cannot come from abroad. If destruction be our lot, we must ourselves be its author and finisher. As a nation of freemen, we must live through all time, or die by suicide.'''

* I hope I am over wary; but if I am not, there is, even now, something of ill-omen, amongst us. I mean the increasing disregard for law which pervades the country; the growing disposition to substitute the wild and furious passions, in lieu of the sober judgment of [[Courts]]; and the worse than savage [[Mob|mobs]], for the executive ministers of justice. This disposition is awfully fearful in any and that it now exists in ours, though grating to our feelings to admit, it would be a violation of truth and an insult to our intelligence to deny.

* Accounts of outrages committed by mobs form the every-day news of the times. They have pervaded the country from [[New England]] to [[w:Louisiana|Louisiana]], they are neither peculiar to the eternal snows of the former nor the burning suns of the latter; they are not the creature of climate, neither are they confined to the slaveholding or the non-slaveholding States. Alike they spring up among the pleasure-hunting masters of Southern slaves, and the order-loving citizens of the land of steady habits. Whatever then their cause may be, it is common to the whole country. [...] Such are the effects of mob law, and such are the scenes becoming more and more frequent in this land so lately famed for love of law and order, and the stories of which have even now grown too familiar to attract anything more than an idle remark. But you are perhaps ready to ask, &quot;What has this to do with the perpetuation of our political institutions?&quot; I answer, &quot;It has much to do with it.&quot; Its direct consequences are, comparatively speaking, but a small evil, and much of its danger consists in the proneness of our minds to regard its direct as its only consequences.

* When men take it in their heads to-day, to hang [[Gambling|gamblers]], or burn murderers, they should recollect, that, in the confusion usually attending such transactions, they will be as likely to hang or burn some one who is neither a gambler nor a murderer as one who is; and that, acting upon the example they set, the mob of to-morrow, may, and probably will, hang or burn some of them by the very same mistake. And not only so; the innocent, those who have ever set their faces against violations of law in every shape, alike with the guilty, fall victims to the ravages of mob law; and thus it goes on, step by step, till all the walls erected for the defense of the persons and property of individuals, are trodden down, and disregarded.

* But all this even, is not the full extent of the evil. — By such examples, by instances of the perpetrators of such acts going unpunished, the lawless in spirit, are encouraged to become lawless in practice; and having been used to no restraint, but dread of punishment, they thus become, absolutely unrestrained. — Having ever regarded Government as their deadliest bane, they make a jubilee of the suspension of its operations; and pray for nothing so much, as its total annihilation. While, on the other hand, good men, men who love tranquillity, who desire to abide by the laws and enjoy their benefits, who would gladly spill their blood in the defense of their country, seeing their property destroyed, their families insulted, and their lives endangered, their persons injured, and seeing nothing in prospect that forebodes a change for the better, become tired of and disgusted with a government that offers them no protection, and are not much averse to a change in which they imagine they have nothing to lose. Thus, then, '''by the operation of''' this '''mobocratic spirit''' which all must admit is now abroad in the land, '''the strongest bulwark of any government''', and particularly of those constituted like ours, '''may effectually be broken down and destroyed — I mean the attachment of the People.'''

* Whenever this effect shall be produced among us; '''whenever the vicious portion of [our] population shall be permitted to gather in bands of hundreds and thousands, and burn churches, ravage and rob provision stores, throw printing-presses into rivers, shoot editors, and hang and burn obnoxious persons at pleasure and with impunity''', depend upon it, '''this government cannot last. By such things the feelings of the best citizens will become more or less alienated from it, and thus it will be left without friends, or with too few, and those few too weak to make their friendship effectual.''' At such a time, and under such circumstances, men of sufficient talent and ambition will not be wanting to seize the opportunity, strike the blow, and overturn that fair fabric which for the last half century has been the fondest hope of the lovers of freedom throughout the world.

* '''Let every American, every lover of liberty, every well-wisher to his posterity swear by the blood of the [[American Revolution|Revolution]] never to violate in the least particular the laws of the country, and never to tolerate their violation by others.''' As the patriots of seventy-six did to the support of the [[United States Declaration of Independence|Declaration of Independence]], so '''to the support of the Constitution and laws let every American pledge his life, his property, and his sacred honor — let every man remember that to violate the law is to trample on the blood of his father, and to tear the charter of his own and his children's liberty. Let reverence for the laws be breathed by every American mother to the lisping babe that prattles on her lap; let it be taught in schools, in seminaries, and in colleges; let it be written in primers, spelling-books, and in almanacs; let it be preached from the pulpit, proclaimed in legislative halls, and enforced in courts of justice. And, in short, let it become the political religion of the nation; and let the old and the young, the rich and the poor, the grave and the gay of all sexes and tongues and colors and conditions, sacrifice unceasingly upon its altars. While ever a state of feeling such as this shall universally or even very generally prevail throughout the nation, vain will be every effort, and fruitless every attempt, to subvert our national freedom.'''

* '''When I so pressingly urge a strict observance of all the laws, let me not be understood as saying there are no bad laws, or that grievances may not arise for the redress of which no legal provisions have been made. I mean to say no such thing. But I do mean to say that although bad laws, if they exist, should be repealed as soon as possible, still, while they continue in force, for the sake of example they should be religiously observed.''' So also in unprovided cases. If such arise, let proper legal provisions be made for them with the least possible delay, but till then let them, if not too intolerable, be borne with.

* '''There is no grievance that is a fit object of redress by mob law. In any case that arises''', as for instance, the promulgation of abolitionism, '''one of two positions is necessarily true'''; that is, '''the thing is right within itself, and therefore deserves the protection of all law and all good citizens; or, it is wrong, and therefore proper to be prohibited by legal enactments; and in neither case, is the interposition of mob law, either necessary, justifiable, or excusable.'''

* '''We hope all danger may be overcome; but to conclude that no danger may ever arise would itself be extremely dangerous.'''

* That our government should have been maintained in its original form from its establishment until now, is not much to be wondered at. It had many props to support it through that period, which now are decayed, and crumbled away. Through that period, it was felt by all, to be an undecided experiment; now, it is understood to be a successful one.

* '''It is to deny, what the history of the world tells us is true, to suppose that men of ambition and talents will not continue to spring up amongst us. And, when they do, they will as naturally seek the gratification of their ruling passion, as others have so done before them.''' The question then, is, can that gratification be found in supporting and maintaining an edifice that has been erected by others? Most certainly it cannot. Many great and good men sufficiently qualified for any task they should undertake, may ever be found, whose ambition would inspire to nothing beyond a seat in Congress, a gubernatorial or a presidential chair; ''but such belong not to the family of the lion, or the tribe of the eagle.'' What! think you these places would satisfy an [[Alexander the Great|Alexander]], a [[Julius Caesar|Caesar]], or a [[Napoleon I of France|Napoleon]]? — Never! '''Towering genius disdains a beaten path. It seeks regions hitherto unexplored. — It sees ''no distinction'' in adding story to story, upon the monuments of fame, erected to the memory of others. It ''denies'' that it is glory enough to serve under any chief. It ''scorns'' to tread in the footsteps of ''any'' predecessor, however illustrious. It thirsts and burns for distinction'''; and, if possible, it will have it, whether at the expense of emancipating slaves, or enslaving freemen. '''Is it unreasonable then to expect, that some man possessed of the loftiest genius, coupled with ambition sufficient to push it to its utmost stretch, will at some time, spring up among us? And when such a one does, it will require the people to be united with each other, attached to the government and laws, and generally intelligent, to successfully frustrate his designs. Distinction will be his paramount object, and although he would as willingly, perhaps more so, acquire it by doing good as harm, yet, that opportunity being past, and nothing left to be done in the way of building up, he would set boldly to the task of pulling down. '''
** Often the portion of this passage on &quot;Towering genius...&quot; is quoted without any mention or acknowledgment that Lincoln was speaking of the need to sometimes hold the ambitions of such genius in check, when individuals aim at their own personal aggrandizement rather than the common good.

* I mean the powerful influence which the interesting scenes of the Revolution had upon the passions of the people as distinguished from their judgment. By this influence, the jealousy, envy, and avarice incident to our nature and so common to a state of peace, prosperity, and conscious strength, were for the time in a great measure smothered and rendered inactive, while the deep-rooted principles of hate, and the powerful motive of revenge, instead of being turned against each other, were directed exclusively against the British nation. And thus, '''from the force of circumstances, the basest principles of our nature, were either made to lie dormant, or to become the active agents in the advancement of the noblest cause — that of establishing and maintaining civil and religious liberty. But this state of feeling ''must fade, is fading, has faded'', with the circumstances that produced it.''' I do not mean to say that the scenes of the Revolution are now or ever will be entirely forgotten, but that, like everything else, they must fade upon the memory of the world, and grow more and more dim by the lapse of time. In history, we hope, they will be read of, and recounted, so long as the Bible shall be read; but even granting that they will, their influence cannot be what it heretofore has been. Even then they cannot be so universally known nor so vividly felt as they were by the generation just gone to rest. At the close of that struggle, nearly every adult male had been a participator in some of its scenes. The consequence was that of those scenes, in the form of a husband, a father, a son, or a brother, a living history was to be found in every family — a history bearing the indubitable testimonies of its own authenticity, in the limbs mangled, in the scars of wounds received, in the midst of the very scenes related — a history, too, that could be read and understood alike by all, the wise and the ignorant, the learned and the unlearned. But '''those histories are gone. They can be read no more forever. They were a fortress of strength; but what invading foeman could never do, the silent artillery of time has done — the leveling of its walls. They are gone. They were a forest of giant oaks; but the all-restless hurricane has swept over them, and left only here and there a lonely trunk, despoiled of its verdure, shorn of its foliage, unshading and unshaded, to murmur in a few more gentle breezes, and to combat with its mutilated limbs a few more ruder storms, then to sink and be no more. They were pillars of the temple of liberty; and now that they have crumbled away that temple must fall unless we, their descendants, supply their places with other pillars, hewn from the solid quarry of sober reason.'''

* '''Passion has helped us; but can do so no more. It will in future be our enemy. Reason, cold, calculating, unimpassioned reason, must furnish all the materials for our future support and defence. — Let those materials be moulded into ''general intelligence, sound morality'', and in particular, ''a reverence for the constitution and laws''''': and, that we improved to the last; that we remained free to the last; that we revered his name to the last; that, during his long sleep, we permitted no hostile foot to pass over or desecrate his resting place; shall be that which to learn the last trump shall awaken our [[George Washington|WASHINGTON]]. &lt;br /&gt; Upon these let the proud fabric of freedom rest, as the rock of its basis; and as truly as has been said of the only greater institution, &quot;''the gates of [[hell]] shall not prevail against it''&quot;.

=== 1840s ===
* I am now the most miserable man living. '''If what I feel were equally distributed to the whole human family, there would not be one cheerful face on the earth.''' Whether I shall ever be better I can not tell; I awfully forebode I shall not. To remain as I am is impossible; I must die or be better, it appears to me.
** Letter to John T. Stuart (23 January 1841), ''Collected Works'' [http://www.hti.umich.edu/cgi/t/text/text-idx?c=lincoln;rgn=div1;view=text;idno=lincoln1;node=lincoln1%3A248 1:229-30]

*... none seemed to think the injury arose from the ''use'' of a ''bad thing'', but from the ''abuse'' of a ''very good thing''.  
** Address to the Springfield Washingtonian Temperance Society (22 February 1842). Frequently misquoted as &quot;It has long been recognized that the problems with alcohol relate not to the use of a bad thing, but to the abuse of a good thing.&quot; [http://www.abrahamlincolnonline.org/lincoln/speeches/temperance.htm]

* I believe, if we take habitual drunkards as a class, their heads and their hearts will bear an advantageous comparison with those of any other class. There seems ever to have been a proneness in the brilliant and warm-blooded to fall into this vice.
** Address to the Springfield Washingtonian Temperance Society (22 February 1842), quoted at greater length in John Carroll Power (1889) ''Abraham Lincoln: His Life, Public Services, Death and Funeral Cortege''

* For several years past the revenues of the government have been unequal to its expenditures, and consequently loan after loan, sometimes direct and sometimes indirect in form, has been resorted to. By this means a new [[Government debt|national debt]] has been created, and is still growing on us with a rapidity fearful to contemplate — a rapidity only reasonably to be expected in a time of war. This state of things has been produced by a prevailing unwillingness either to increase the tariff or resort to direct taxation. But the one or the other must come. Coming expenditures must be met, and the present debt must be paid; and money cannot always be borrowed for these objects. The system of loans is but temporary in its nature, and must soon explode. It is a system not only ruinous while it lasts, but one that must soon fail and leave us destitute. As an individual who undertakes to live by borrowing soon finds his original means devoured by interest, and, next, no one left to borrow from, so must it be with a government. We repeat, then, that a tariff sufficient for revenue, or a direct tax, must soon be resorted to; and, indeed, we believe this alternative is now denied by no one.
** Whig Circular (1843), reported in Richard Watson Gilder and Daniel Fish ''Complete Works of Abraham Lincoln, Volume 1'' (1905)

* Believing that these propositions, and the [conclusions] I draw from them can not be successfully controverted, I, for the present, assume their correctness, and proceed to try to show, that '''the abandonment of the protective policy by the American Government, must result in the increase of both useless labour, and idleness; and so, in pro[por]tion, must produce want and ruin among our people.'''
** [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln1/1:423?rgn=div1;view=fulltext &quot;Fragments of a Tariff Discussion&quot;, ''Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln'', Vol. 1, p. 415]; according to the source Lincoln's &quot;scraps about protection were written by Lincoln, between his election to Congress in 1846, and taking his seat in Dec. 1847&quot;.

* It has so happened in all ages of the world, that some have laboured, and others have, without labour, enjoyed a large proportion of the fruits. This is wrong, and should not continue. To each labourer the whole product of his labour, or as nearly as possible, is a most worthy object of any good government.
** The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln edited by Roy P. Basler, Volume I, &quot;Fragments of a Tariff Discussion&quot; (1 December 1847)

* I believe it is an established maxim in morals that '''he who makes an assertion without knowing whether it is true or false, is guilty of falsehood; and the accidental truth of the assertion, does not justify or excuse him.'''
** Letter to Allen N. Ford (11 August 1846), reported in Roy Prentice Basler, ed., ''Abraham Lincoln: His Speeches and Writings'' (1990 [1946])

* '''Any people anywhere being inclined and having the power have the right to rise up and shake off the existing government, and form a new one that suits them better.''' This is a most valuable, a most sacred right — a right which we hope and believe is to liberate the world. Nor is this right confined to cases in which the whole people of an existing government may choose to exercise it. Any portion of such people that can may revolutionize and make their own of so much of the territory as they inhabit. 
** [[s:Life_and_Works_of_Abraham_Lincoln/Volume_3/Arraignment_of_President_Polk_for_War_Against_Mexico#128|Speech in the United States House of Representatives]] (12 January 1848)

* Military glory, — that attractive rainbow that rises in showers of blood.
** [[s:Life_and_Works_of_Abraham_Lincoln/Volume_3/Arraignment_of_President_Polk_for_War_Against_Mexico#129|Speech]] in the [[w:United States House of Representatives|United States House of Representatives]] opposing the [[w:Mexican–American War|Mexican war]] ([http://books.google.com/books?id=wiuRyJK6OocC&amp;pg=PA106&amp;dq=rainbow 12 January 1848])

* '''Allow the [[President of the United States|President]] to invade a neighboring nation, whenever he shall deem it necessary to repel an [[w:Invasion|invasion]], and you allow him to do so, whenever he may choose to say he deems it necessary for such purpose, and you allow him to make war at pleasure.''' Study to see if you can fix any limit to his power in this respect, after having given him so much as you propose. If, to-day, he should choose to say he thinks it necessary to invade [[Canada]], to prevent the [[British Empire|British]] from invading us, how could you stop him? You may say to him, &quot;I see no probability of the British invading us&quot; but he will say to you, &quot;Be silent; I see it, if you don't.&quot; &lt;br /&gt; '''The provision of the Constitution giving the war making power to Congress was dictated, as I understand it, by the following reasons. Kings had always been involving and impoverishing their people in wars, pretending generally, if not always, that the good of the people was the object. This, our [[Constitutional Convention (United States)|Convention]] understood to be the most oppressive of all Kingly oppressions; and they resolved to so frame the Constitution that no one man should hold the power of bringing this oppression upon us.''' But your view destroys the whole matter, and places our President where kings have always stood.
** Letter, while US Congressman, to his friend and law-partner [[w:William Herndon (lawyer)|William H. Herndon]], opposing the [[w:Mexican-American War|Mexican-American War]] (15 February 1848)

* In law it is a good policy never to plead what you need not, lest you oblige yourself to prove what you cannot.
** Letter to former Illinois Attorney General [[w:Usher F. Linder|Usher F. Linder]] (20 February 1848)

* '''The true rule, in determining to embrace, or reject any thing, is not whether it have any evil in it; but whether it have more of evil, than of good.''' There are few things wholly evil, or wholly good. Almost every thing, especially of governmental policy, is an inseparable compound of the two; so that our best judgment of the preponderance between them is continually demanded.
** [[s:Life_and_Works_of_Abraham_Lincoln/Volume_3/In_Favor_of_Internal_Improvements#145|Speech in the House of Representatives]] (20 June 1848)

* '''Determine that the thing can and shall be done, and then we shall find the way.'''
** [[s:Life_and_Works_of_Abraham_Lincoln/Volume_3/In_Favor_of_Internal_Improvements#153|Speech in the House of Representatives]] (20 June 1848)

* The way for a young man to rise, is to improve himself every way he can, never suspecting that any body wishes to hinder him.
** Letter to William H Herndon (10 July 1848)

* '''The better part of one's life consists of his friendships.'''
** [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln2/1:88.1?rgn=div2;view=fulltext Letter to Joseph Gillespie] (13 July 1849)

==== My Childhood's Home I See Again (1844 - 1846) ====
:&lt;small&gt;[https://rpo.library.utoronto.ca/poems/my-childhoods-home-i-see-again &quot;My Childhood's Home I See Again&quot; as written in letters to Andrew Johnston (24 February, 18 April 18, and 26 September 1846)]; Lincoln wrote in the first letter: &quot;In the fall of 1844, thinking I might aid some to carry the State of Indiana for [[Henry Clay|Mr. Clay]], I went into the neighborhood in that State in which I was raised, where my mother and only sister were buried, and from which I had been absent about fifteen years. That part of the country is, within itself, as unpoetical as any spot of the earth; but still, seeing it and its objects and inhabitants aroused feelings in me which were certainly poetry; though whether my expression of those feelings is poetry is quite another question. When I got to writing, the change of subjects divided the thing into four little divisions or cantos, the first only of which I send you now and may send the others hereafter.&quot; In a letter of 6 September Lincoln stated: &quot;The subject of the present one [canto] is an insane man. His name is Matthew Gentry. He is three years older than I, and when we were boys we went to school together. He was rather a bright lad, and the son of ''the'' rich man of our very poor neighbourhood. At the age of nineteen he unaccountably became furiously mad, from which condition he gradually settled down into harmless insanity.&quot;&lt;/small&gt;

* '''My [[childhood]]'s [[home]] I see again, &lt;br /&gt;  And sadden with the view; &lt;br /&gt; And still, as memory crowds my brain, &lt;br /&gt; There's pleasure in it too.'''
** Canto I

* '''As leaving some grand waterfall, &lt;br /&gt; We, lingering, list its roar — &lt;br /&gt; So memory will hallow all &lt;br /&gt; We've known, but know no more.'''
** Canto I

* I range the fields with pensive tread, &lt;br /&gt; And pace the hollow rooms; &lt;br /&gt; And feel (companion of the dead) &lt;br /&gt; I'm living in the tombs.
** Canto I

* &lt;p&gt;But here's an object more of dread &lt;br /&gt; Than ought the grave contains — &lt;br /&gt; A human form with reason fled, &lt;br /&gt; While wretched life remains.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Poor Matthew! Once of genius bright, &lt;br /&gt; A fortune-favored child — &lt;br /&gt; Now locked for aye, in mental night, &lt;br /&gt; A haggard mad-man wild.&lt;/p&gt;
** Canto II

* &lt;p&gt;But this is past; and nought remains, &lt;br /&gt; That raised thee o'er the brute. &lt;br /&gt; Thy piercing shrieks, and soothing strains, &lt;br /&gt; Are like, forever mute.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt; Now fare thee well — more thou the cause, &lt;br /&gt; Than subject now of woe. &lt;br /&gt; All mental pangs, by time's kind laws, &lt;br /&gt; Hast lost the power to know.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt; O death! Thou awe-inspiring prince, &lt;br /&gt; That keepst the world in fear; &lt;br /&gt; Why dost thou tear more blest ones hence, &lt;br /&gt; And leave him ling'ring here?&lt;/p&gt;
** Canto II

=== 1850s ===
* The leading rule for the lawyer, as for the man of every other calling, is diligence. '''Leave nothing for to-morrow which can be done to-day. Never let your correspondence fall behind.''' Whatever piece of business you have in hand, before stopping, do all the labor pertaining to it which can then be done.
** Fragment, Notes for a Law Lecture (1 July 1850), cited in ''Abraham Lincoln: Complete Works, Comprising his Speeches, Letters, State Papers, and Miscellaneous Writings'', Vol. 2 (1894)

* '''Discourage [[Lawsuit|litigation]]. Persuade your neighbors to compromise whenever you can. Point out to them how the nominal winner is often a real loser — in fees, expenses, and waste of time.''' As a peacemaker the lawyer has a superior opportunity of being a good man. There will still be business enough. &lt;br /&gt; Never stir up litigation. A worse man can scarcely be found than one who does this. Who can be more nearly a fiend than he who habitually overhauls the [[w:Recorder of deeds|register of deeds]] in search of defects in titles, whereon to stir up strife, and put money in his pocket? A moral tone ought to be infused into the profession which should drive such men out of it.
** Fragment, Notes for a Law Lecture (1 July 1850?), cited in ''Abraham Lincoln: Complete Works, Comprising his Speeches, Letters, State Papers, and Miscellaneous Writings'', Vol. 2 (1894)

* There is a vague popular belief that lawyers are necessarily dishonest. I say vague, because when we consider to what extent confidence and honors are reposed in and conferred upon lawyers by the people, it appears improbable that their impression of dishonesty is very distinct and vivid. Yet the impression is common, almost universal. Let no young man choosing the law for a calling for a moment yield to the popular belief — '''resolve to be honest at all events; and if in your own judgment you cannot be an honest lawyer, resolve to be honest without being a lawyer.''' Choose some other occupation, rather than one in the choosing of which you do, in advance, consent to be a knave.
** Fragment, Notes for a Law Lecture (1 July 1850), cited in ''Abraham Lincoln: Complete Works, Comprising his Speeches, Letters, State Papers, and Miscellaneous Writings'', Vol. 2 (1894)

*If A. can prove, however conclusively, that he may, of right, enslave B. Why may not B. snatch the same argument, and prove equally, that he may enslave A? '''You say A. is white, and B. is black. It is color, then; the lighter, having the right to enslave the darker? Take care. By this rule, you are to be slave to the first man you meet, with a fairer skin than your own. You do not mean color exactly? You mean the whites are intellectually the superiors of the blacks, and, therefore have the right to enslave them? Take care again. By this rule, you are to be slave to the first man you meet, with an intellect superior to your own.''' But, say you, it is a question of interest; and, if you can make it your interest, you have the right to enslave another. Very well. And if he can make it his interest, he has the right to enslave you.
**Fragment on slavery (1 April 1854?), as quoted in [http://web.archive.org/web/20140203223031/http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln2/1:264?rgn=div1;view=fulltext ''Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln''] (1953), Vol. 2, pp. 222-223

* '''The legitimate object of government, is to do for a community of people, whatever they need to have done, but can not do, ''at all'', or can not, ''so well do'', for themselves - in their separate, and individual capacities. In all that the people can individually do as well for themselves, government ought not to interfere.''' The desirable things which the individuals of a people can not do, or can not well do, for themselves, fall into two classes: those which have relation to ''wrongs'', and those which have not. Each of these branch off into an infinite variety of subdivisions. The first - that in relation to wrongs - embraces all crimes, misdemeanors, and nonperformance of contracts. The other embraces all which, in its nature, and without wrong, requires combined action, as public roads and highways, public schools, charities, pauperism, orphanage, estates of the deceased, and the machinery of government itself. From this it appears that if all men were just, there still would be ''some'', though not'' so much'', need for government.
** [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln2/1:261?rgn=div1;view=fulltext Fragment on Government] (1 July 1854?) in &quot;The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln&quot;, ed. Roy P. Basler, Vol. 2, pp. 220-221

* The Autocrat of all the Russias will resign his crown, and proclaim his subjects free republicans sooner than will our American masters voluntarily give up their slaves.
** Letter to George Robertson (15 August 1855)

* If you are resolutely determined to make a lawyer of yourself, the thing is more than half done already. It is but a small matter whether you read ''with'' anyone or not. I did not read with anyone. Get the books, and read and study them till you understand them in their principal features; and that is the main thing. It is of no consequence to be in a large town while you are reading. I read at New Salem, which never had three hundred people living in it. The '''books''', and your '''capacity''' for understanding them, are just the same in all places.... '''Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed, is more important than any other one thing.'''
** Letter to Isham Reavis (5 November 1855)

* We live in the midst of alarms; anxiety beclouds the future; we expect some new disaster with each newspaper we read.
** Speech at Bloomington (29 May 1856)

* '''Don't interfere with anything in the Constitution. That must be maintained, for it is the only safeguard of our liberties. And not to Democrats alone do I make this appeal, but to all who love these great and true principles.'''
** [http://www.mrlincolnandfreedom.org/inside.asp?ID=14&amp;subjectID=2 Speech at Kalamazoo, Michigan (27 August 1856)], ''Collected Works'' [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln2/1:391?rgn=div1;view=fulltext 1:391]

* Our government rests in public opinion. '''Whoever can change public opinion, can change the government''', practically just so much.
** [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln2/1:413?rgn=div1;view=fulltext Speech at a Republican Banquet, Chicago, Illinois, December 10, 1856]; see Roy P. Basler, ed., ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln, vol. 2'' (New Brunswick, N.J.: Rutgers University Press, 1953), p. 532

* Some more in this convention came from [[Kentucky]] to Illinois (instead of going to [[w:Missouri|Missouri]]), not only to better their conditions, but also to get away from slavery. They have said so to me, and it is understood among us Kentuckians that we don't like it one bit. Now, can we, mindful of the blessings of liberty which the early men of Illinois left to us, refuse a like privilege to the free men who seek to plant Freedom's banner on our Western outposts? Should we not stand by our neighbors who seek to better their conditions in [[Kansas]] and [[w:Nebraska|Nebraska]]? Can we as [[Christian]] men, and strong and free ourselves, wield the sledge or hold the iron which is to manacle anew an already oppressed race ? &quot;''Woe unto them'',&quot; it is written, &quot;''that decree unrighteous decrees and that write grievousness which they have prescribed''.&quot; Can we afford to sin any more deeply against human liberty?
** From the '''Speech Delivered Before the First Republican State Convention of Illinois, Held at Bloomington''' (1856); found in ''Speeches &amp; Letters of Abraham Lincoln, 1809-1865'' (1894), J. M. Dent &amp; Company, p. 56.
** Also quoted by [[w:Ida Minerva Tarbell|Ida Minerva Tarbell]], ''The Life of Abraham Lincoln: Drawn from Original Sources and Containing Many Speeches, Letters, and Telegrams Hitherto Unpublished, and Illustrated with Many Reproductions from Original Paintings, Photographs, etc,'' Volume 4 (1902), [http://lincolnhistoricalsociety.org/ Lincoln History Society]; and by William C. Whitney; in '''The Writings of Abraham Lincoln'', v. 2' . (1905) Lapsley, Arthur Brooks, New York: G.P. Putnam's Sons

* '''As I would not be a ''slave'', so I would not be a ''master''. This expresses my idea of democracy. Whatever differs from this, to the extent of the difference, is no democracy.'''
** [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln2/1:547?rgn=div1;singlegenre=All;sort=occur;subview=detail;type=simple;view=fulltext;q1=This+expresses+my+idea+of+democracy. Definition of Democracy]; see Roy P. Basler, ed., ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln, vol. 2'' (New Brunswick, N.J.: Rutgers University Press, 1953), p. 532

* Will springs from the two elements of moral sense and self-interest.
** Speech at Springfield, Illinois (26 June 1857)

* They have seen in his round, jolly fruitful face, post-offices, land-offices, marshalships and cabinet-appointments, charge-ships and foreign missions, bursting out in wonderful exuberance, ready to be laid hold of by their greedy hands. Nobody has ever expected me to be president. In my poor, lean lank face nobody has ever seen that any cabbages were sprouting.
** Speech in Springfield, Illinois (17 July 1858), referring to Stephen Douglas. Quoted in [[w:Charles Sumner|Charles Sumner]] (1861), ''The Promises of the Declaration of Independence''

*All I ask for the negro is that if you not like him, let him alone. If God gave him but little let him enjoy.
** [https://cwcrossroads.wordpress.com/2011/01/18/race-and-slavery-north-and-south-some-logical-fallacies/#comment-47553 Speech in Springfield, Illinois] (17 July 1858)

* '''What constitutes the bulwark of our own [[liberty]] and independence?''' It is not our frowning battlements, our bristling sea coasts, the guns of our war steamers, or the strength our gallant and disciplined army? These are not our reliance against a resumption of tyranny in our fair land. All of those may be turned against our liberties, without making us weaker or stronger for the struggle. Our reliance is in the love of liberty which [[God]] has planted in our bosoms. '''Our defense is in the preservation of the spirit which prizes liberty as the heritage of all men, in all lands, everywhere. Destroy this spirit, and you have planted the seeds of despotism around your own doors. Familiarize yourselves with the chains of bondage and you are preparing your own limbs to wear them. Accustomed to trample on the rights of those around you, you have lost the genius of your own independence, and become the fit subjects of the first cunning tyrant who rises.'''
** Speech at Edwardsville, Illinois (11 September 1858); quoted in Lincoln, Abraham; Mario Matthew Cuomo, Harold Holzer, G. S. Boritt, ''[http://books.google.de/books?id=8bWmmyJEMZoC&amp;pg=PA128 Lincoln on Democracy]'' (Fordham University Press, September 1, 2004), 128. {{ISBN|978-0823223459}}.
*** Variant of the above quote: What constitutes the bulwark of our own liberty and independence? It is not our frowning battlements, our bristling sea coasts, our army and our navy. These are not our reliance against tyranny All of those may be turned against us without making us weaker for the struggle. Our reliance is in the love of liberty which God has planted in us. Our defense is in the spirit which prizes liberty as the heritage of all men, in all lands everywhere. Destroy this spirit and you have planted the seeds of despotism at your own doors. Familiarize yourselves with the chains of bondage and you prepare your own limbs to wear them. Accustomed to trample on the rights of others, you have lost the genius of your own independence and become the fit subjects of the first cunning tyrant who rises among you.
**** Fragment of Speech at Edwardsville, Ill., September 13, 1858; quoted in Lincoln, Abraham; ''[http://www.classic-literature.co.uk/american-authors/19th-century/abraham-lincoln/the-writings-of-abraham-lincoln-05/ebook-page-05.asp The Writings of Abraham Lincoln V05]'') p. 6-7

* '''Understanding the spirit of our institutions to aim at the elevation of men, I am opposed to whatever tends to degrade them.'''
** Letter to Dr. Theodore Canisius (17 May 1859)

* Negro equality! Fudge!! How long, in the government of a God, great enough to make and maintain this Universe, shall there continue to be knaves to vend, and fools to gulp, so low a piece of demagougeism as this?
** Fragments: Notes for Speeches, September 1859, ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln'' (1953) Vol. III; No transcripts or reports exist indicating that he ever actually used this expression in any of his speeches.&lt;!-- p. 399 --&gt;

* We know, Southern men declare that their slaves are better off than hired laborers amongst us. How little they ''know'', whereof they ''speak''! There is no permanent class of hired laborers amongst us. Twentyfive years ago, I was a hired laborer. The hired laborer of yesterday, labors on his own account to-day; and will hire others to labor for him to-morrow. '''Advancement — improvement in condition — is the order of things in a society of equals. As Labor is the common ''burthen'' of our race, so the effort of ''some'' to shift their share of the burthen on to the shoulders of ''others'', is the great, durable, curse of the race. Originally a curse for transgression upon the whole race, when, as by slavery, it is concentrated on a part only, it becomes the double-refined curse of God upon his creatures.'''
** [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln3/1:141?rgn=div1;view=fulltext Fragmentary manuscript of a speech on free labor (17 September 1859?)]; ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln'', ed. Roy P. Basler (1953), vol. 3, p. 463

* '''Free labor has the inspiration of hope; pure slavery has no hope. The power of hope upon human exertion, and happiness, is wonderful.''' The slave-master himself has a conception of it; and hence the system of ''tasks'' among slaves. The slave whom you can not drive with the lash to break seventy-five pounds of hemp in a day, if you will task him to break a hundred, and promise him pay for all he does over, he will break you a hundred and fifty. You have substituted ''hope'', for the ''rod''. And yet perhaps it does not occur to you, that to the extent of your gain in the case, you have given up the slave system, and adopted the free system of labor.
** [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln3/1:141?rgn=div1;view=fulltext Fragmentary manuscript of a speech on free labor (17 September 1859?)]; ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln'', ed. Roy P. Basler (1953), vol. 3, pp. 463–464

* I say that we must not interfere with the institution of slavery in the States where it exists, because the Constitution forbids it, and the general welfare does not require us to do so. We must not withhold an efficient Fugitive Slave law, because the Constitution requires us, as I understand it, not to withhold such a law. But we must prevent the outspreading of the institution, because neither the Constitution nor general welfare requires us to extend it. We must prevent the revival of the African slave trade, and the enacting by Congress of a Territorial slave code. We must prevent each of these things being done by either Congresses or courts. '''The people of these [[w:United States|United States]] are the rightful masters of both [[w:United States Congress|Congresses]] and [[w:United States federal courts|courts]], not to overthrow the [[w:United States Constitution|Constitution]], but to overthrow the men who pervert the Constitution.'''
** [http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/3/2/5/3253/3253-h/files/2657/2657-h/2657-h.htm#2H_4_0043 Speech at Cincinnati, Ohio, September 17, 1859]; in &quot;The Papers And Writings Of Abraham Lincoln, Volume Five, Constitutional Edition&quot;, edited by Arthur Brooks Lapsley and released as &quot;[http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/3/2/5/3253/3253-h/files/2657/2657-h/2657-h.htm The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Papers And Writings Of Abraham Lincoln, Volume Five, by Abraham Lincoln]&quot; by Project Gutenberg on July 5, 2009

* If I should do so now it occurs that he places himself somewhat upon the ground of the parable of the lost sheep which went astray upon the mountains, and when the owner of the hundred sheep found the one that was lost and threw it upon his shoulders, and came home rejoicing, it was said that there was more rejoicing over the one sheep that was lost and had been found than over the ninety and nine in the fold. The application is made by the Saviour in this parable thus: '''Verily I say unto you, there is more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner that repenteth than over ninety and nine just persons that need no repentance''.' Repentance before forgiveness is a provision of the Christian system, and on that condition alone will the Republicans grant his forgiveness.
** Regarding his debate with Judge S. A. Douglas, in his Springfield address (17 July 1858), published in ''The Life, Speeches, and Public Services of Abraham Lincoln: Together with a Sketch of the Life of Hannibal Hamlin: Republican candidates for the offices of President and Vice-President of the United States'' (1860), p. 50&lt;!-- Rudd &amp; Carleton --&gt;
** Lincoln was alluding to the words of [[Jesus]] in [http://www.biblegateway.com/verse/en/Luke%2015%3A7 Luke 15:7]

*[[Republican Party (United States)|The Republican]] principle, the unalterable principle, never to be lost sight of, is that [[slavery]] is wrong.
**[https://diplomatdc.wordpress.com/2010/06/05/the-libertarian-attack-on-abraham-lincoln-by-gregory-hilton/ Speech] (1859)
 
==== [[w:Abraham Lincoln's Peoria speech|Speech at Peoria, Illinois]] (1854) ====
[[File:Life and Works of Abraham Lincoln vol 3 p 8.jpg|thumb|No man is good enough to govern another man without that other's consent. ]]
[[File:ArchivesRotunda.jpg|thumb|I insist, that if there is ANY THING which it is the duty of the WHOLE PEOPLE to never entrust to any hands but their own, that thing is the preservation and perpetuity, of their own liberties, and institutions.]]
[[File:Abraham lincoln memorial-london.jpg|thumb|Slavery is founded in the selfishness of man's nature — opposition to it, in his love of justice.]]
[[File:Abraham Lincoln by Adolph Alexander Weinman - Kentucky State Capitol - DSC09243.JPG|thumb|Stand with anybody that stands RIGHT. Stand with him while he is right and PART with him when he goes wrong.]]
[[File:EdwardMoran-UnveilingTheStatueofLiberty1886Large.jpg|thumb|Is there no [[danger]] to [[liberty]] itself, in discarding the earliest practice, and first precept of our [[United States Declaration of Independence|ancient faith]]?]]
:&lt;small&gt;[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/t/text/text-idx?c=lincoln;cc=lincoln;rgn=div2;view=text;idno=lincoln2;node=lincoln2:282.1 Speech at Peoria, Illinois, in Reply to Senator Douglas (16 October 1854)]; published in ''The Complete Works of Abraham Lincoln'' (1894) Vol. 2 &lt;/small&gt;

* The foregoing history may not be precisely accurate in every particular; but I am sure it is sufficiently so, for all the uses I shall attempt to make of it, and in it, we have before us, the chief material enabling us to correctly judge whether [[w:Kansas–Nebraska Act|the repeal of the Missouri Compromise]] is right or wrong. &lt;br /&gt; I think, and shall try to show, that it is wrong; wrong in its direct effect, letting slavery into Kansas and Nebraska — and wrong in its prospective principle, allowing it to spread to every other part of the wide world, where men can be found inclined to take it. &lt;br /&gt; This ''declared'' indifference, but as I must think, covert ''real'' zeal for '''the spread of slavery, I can not but hate. I hate it because of the monstrous injustice of slavery itself. I hate it because it deprives our republican example of its just influence in the world — enables the enemies of free institutions, with plausibility, to taunt us as hypocrites — causes the real friends of freedom to doubt our sincerity, and especially because it forces so many really good men amongst ourselves into an open war with the very fundamental principles of civil liberty — criticising the [[United States Declaration of Independence|Declaration of Independence]], and insisting that there is no right principle of action but ''self-interest''.'''

* '''When Southern people tell us they are no more responsible for the origin of slavery than we are, I acknowledge the fact.''' When it is said that the institution exists, and that it is very difficult to get rid of it in any satisfactory way, I can understand and appreciate the saying. I surely will not blame them for not doing what I should not know how to do myself. If all earthly power were given me, I should not know what to do as to the existing institution. My first impulse would be to free all the slaves, and send them to Liberia, to their own native land. But a moment's reflection would convince me that whatever of high hope (as I think there is) there may be in this in the long run, its sudden execution is impossible. If they were all landed there in a day, they would all perish in the next ten days; and there are not surplus shipping and surplus money enough to carry them there in many times ten days. What then? Free them all, and keep them among us as underlings? Is it quite certain that this betters their condition? I think I would not hold one in slavery at any rate, yet the point is not clear enough for me to denounce people upon. What next? Free them, and make them politically and socially our equals. My own feelings will not admit of this, and if mine would, we well know that those of the great mass of whites will not. Whether this feeling accords with justice and sound judgment is not the sole question, if indeed it is any part of it. A universal feeling, whether well or ill founded, cannot be safely disregarded. We cannot then make them equals. It does seem to me that systems of gradual emancipation might be adopted, but for their tardiness in this I will not undertake to judge our brethren of the South.

* Wherever slavery is, it has been first introduced without law. The oldest laws we find concerning it, are not laws introducing it; but ''regulating'' it, as an already existing thing.

* The negative principle that ''no'' law is free law, is not much known except among lawyers.

* &quot;[[An Essay on Criticism|Fools rush in where angels fear to tread.]]&quot; At the hazard of being thought one of the fools of this quotation, I meet that argument — I rush in — I take that bull by the horns. I trust I understand and truly estimate the right of self-government. My faith in the proposition that each man should do precisely as he pleases with all which is exclusively his own lies at the foundation of the sense of justice there is in me. I extend the principle to communities of men as well as to individuals. I so extend it because it is politically wise, as well as naturally just: politically wise in saving us from broils about matters which do not concern us. Here, or at [[Washington, D.C.|Washington]], I would not trouble myself with the oyster laws of [[Virginia]], or the cranberry laws of [[w:Indiana|Indiana]]. The doctrine of self-government is right, — absolutely and eternally right, — but it has no just application as here attempted. Or perhaps I should rather say that whether it has such application depends upon whether a negro is ''not'' or ''is'' a man. If he is ''not'' a man, in that case he who is a man may as a matter of self-government do just what he pleases with him. &lt;br /&gt; But if the negro ''is'' a man, is it not to that extent a total destruction of self-government to say that he too shall not govern ''himself''. '''When the white man governs himself, that is self-government; but when he governs himself and also governs ''another'' man, that is ''more'' than self-government — that is [[Tyranny|despotism]]. If the negro is a ''man'', why then my ancient faith teaches me that &quot;[[United States Declaration of Independence|all men are created equal]],&quot; and that there can be no moral right in connection with one man's making a slave of another.'''

* Judge Douglas frequently, with bitter irony and sarcasm, paraphrases our argument by saying: &quot;The [[white people]] of Nebraska are good enough to govern themselves, ''but they are not good enough to govern a few miserable [[Black people|negroes]]''!&quot; &lt;br /&gt; Well! I doubt not that the people of Nebraska are and will continue to be as good as the average of people elsewhere. I do not say the contrary. What I do say is that '''no man is good enough to govern another man ''without that other's consent.''''' I say '''this is the leading principle, the sheet-anchor of American republicanism.''' Our [[United States Declaration of Independence|Declaration of Independence]] says: &quot;We hold these truths to be self-evident: That all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights; that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. That to secure these rights, governments are instituted among men, ''deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed''.&quot; &lt;br /&gt; I have quoted so much at this time merely to show that, according to our ancient faith, '''the just powers of governments are derived from the consent of the governed.''' Now the relation of master and slave is ''pro tanto'' a total violation of this principle. '''The master not only governs the slave without his consent, but he governs him by a set of rules altogether different from those which he prescribes for himself. Allow ALL the governed an equal voice in the government, and that, and that only, is self-government.'''

* '''I insist, that if there is ANY THING which it is the duty of the WHOLE PEOPLE to never entrust to any hands but their own, that thing is the preservation and perpetuity, of their own liberties, and institutions.'''

* '''[[Slavery in the United States|Slavery]] is founded in the selfishness of man's [[nature]] — opposition to it, in his love of [[justice]].''' These principles are an eternal antagonism; and when brought into collision so fiercely, as slavery extension brings them, shocks, and throes, and convulsions must ceaselessly follow. '''Repeal the [[w:Missouri Compromise|Missouri Compromise]] — repeal all compromises — repeal the Declaration of Independence — repeal all past history, you still can not repeal human nature. It still will be the abundance of man's heart, that slavery extension is wrong; and out of the abundance of his heart, his mouth will continue to speak.'''

* '''Stand with anybody that stands RIGHT. Stand with him while he is right and PART with him when he goes wrong.'''

* '''Little by little, but steadily as man's march to the grave, we have been giving up the OLD for the NEW faith. Near eighty years ago we began by declaring that all men are created equal; but now from that beginning we have run down to the other declaration, that for SOME men to enslave OTHERS is a “sacred right of self-government.” These principles can not stand together. They are as opposite as [[God]] and [[w:Mammon|mammon]]; and whoever holds to the one, must despise the other.''' [...] Let no one be deceived. The [[United States Declaration of Independence|spirit of seventy-six]] and [[w:Kansas–Nebraska Act|the spirit of Nebraska]], are utter antagonisms; and the former is being rapidly displaced by the latter.

* Already the liberal party throughout the world, express the apprehension “[https://web.archive.org/web/20201026194337/https://mcdaniel.blogs.rice.edu/?p=126 that the one retrograde institution in America, is undermining the principles of progress, and fatally violating the noblest political system the world ever saw.]” This is not the taunt of enemies, but the warning of friends. Is it quite safe to disregard it — to despise it? '''Is there no danger to liberty itself, in discarding the earliest practice, and first precept of our [[United States Declaration of Independence|ancient faith]]?''' In our greedy chase to make profit of the negro, let us beware, lest we “cancel and tear to pieces” even the white man's charter of freedom.

* Our republican robe is soiled, and trailed in the dust. Let us repurify it. Let us turn and wash it white, in the spirit, if not the blood, of the [[American Revolution|Revolution]]. Let us turn slavery from its claims of “moral right,” back upon its existing legal rights, and its arguments of 'necessity'. Let us return it to the position our fathers gave it; and there let it rest in peace. Let us re-adopt the Declaration of Independence, and with it, the practices, and policy, which harmonize with it. '''Let north and south — let all Americans — let all lovers of liberty everywhere — join in the great and good work. If we do this, we shall not only have saved the Union; but we shall have so saved it, as to make, and to keep it, forever worthy of the saving. We shall have so saved it, that the succeeding millions of free happy people, the world over, shall rise up, and call us blessed, to the latest generations.'''

* In the course of my main argument, [[Stephen A. Douglas|Judge Douglas]] interrupted me to say, that the principle the Nebraska bill was very old; that it originated when '''God made man and placed good and evil before him, allowing him to choose for himself, being responsible for the choice he should make.''' At the time I thought this was merely playful; and I answered it accordingly. But in his reply to me he renewed it, as a serious argument. In seriousness then, the facts of this proposition are not true as stated. '''God did not place good and evil before man, telling him to make his choice. On the contrary, he did tell him there was one tree, of the fruit of which, he should not eat, upon pain of certain death.'''

====Letter to Joshua F. Speed (1855)====
:&lt;small&gt;[http://www.abrahamlincolnonline.org/lincoln/speeches/speed.htm Letter to Joshua F. Speed (24 August 1855).]&lt;/small&gt;
*You know what a poor correspondent I am. Ever since I received your very agreeable letter of the 22nd. of May I have been intending to write you in answer to it. You suggest that in political action now, you and I would differ. I suppose we would; not quite as much, however, as you may think. You know I dislike slavery; and you fully admit the abstract wrong of it. So far there is no cause of difference. But you say that sooner than yield your legal right to the slave — especially at the bidding of those who are not themselves interested, you would see the Union dissolved. I am not aware that any one is bidding you to yield that right; very certainly I am not. I leave that matter entirely to yourself. I also acknowledge your rights and my obligations, under the constitution, in regard to your slaves. I confess I hate to see the poor creatures hunted down, and caught, and carried back to their stripes, and unrewarded toils; but I bite my lip and keep quiet. In 1841 you and I had together a tedious low-water trip, on a Steam Boat from [[w:Louisville, Kentucky|Louisville]] to [[St. Louis]]. You may remember, as I well do, that from Louisville to the mouth of the Ohio, there were, on board, ten or a dozen slaves, shackled together with irons. That sight was a continued torment to me; and I see something like it every time I touch the Ohio, or any other slave-border. It is hardly fair for you to assume, that I have no interest in a thing which has, and continually exercises, the power of making me miserable. You ought rather to appreciate how much the great body of the Northern people do crucify their feelings, in order to maintain their loyalty to the Constitution and the Union.

*I do oppose the extension of slavery, because my judgment and feelings so prompt me; and I am under no obligation to the contrary. If for this you and I must differ, differ we must. You say if you were President, you would send an army and hang the leaders of the Missouri outrages upon the Kansas elections; still, if Kansas fairly votes herself a slave state, she must be admitted, or the Union must be dissolved. But how if she votes herself a slave State unfairly — that is, by the very means for which you say you would hang men? Must she still be admitted, or the Union be dissolved? That will be the phase of the question when it first becomes a practical one. In your assumption that there may be a fair decision of the slavery question in Kansas, I plainly see you and I would differ about the Nebraska-law. I look upon that enactment not as a law, but as violence from the beginning. It was conceived in violence, passed in violence, is maintained in violence, and is being executed in violence. I say it was conceived in violence, because the destruction of the Missouri Compromise, under the circumstances, was nothing less than violence. It was passed in violence, because it could not have passed at all but for the votes of many members in violence of the known will of their constituents. It is maintained in violence because the elections since, clearly demand it's repeal, and this demand is openly disregarded. You say men ought to be hung for the way they are executing that law; and I say the way it is being executed is quite as good as any of its antecedents. It is being executed in the precise way which was intended from the first; else why does no Nebraska man express astonishment or condemnation? Poor Reeder is the only public man who has been silly enough to believe that any thing like fairness was ever intended; and he has been bravely undeceived.

* '''You enquire where I now stand. That is a disputed point.''' I think I am a whig; but others say there are no whigs, and that I am an abolitionist. When I was at Washington I voted for the [[w:Wilmot Proviso|Wilmot Proviso]] as good as forty times, and I never heard of any one attempting to unwhig me for that. I now do more than oppose the ''extension'' of slavery. &lt;br /&gt; I am not a [[w:Know Nothing|Know-Nothing]]. That is certain. How could I be? How can any one who abhors the oppression of negroes, be in favor of degrading classes of white people? Our progress in degeneracy appears to me to be pretty rapid. '''As a nation, we began by declaring that'' &quot;all men are created equal.&quot; ''We now practically read it &quot;all men are created equal, ''except negroes.&quot;'' When the Know-Nothings get control, it will read &quot;all men are created equal, except negroes, ''and foreigners, and [[Catholic Church|catholics]].&quot;'' When it comes to this I should prefer emigrating to some country where they make no pretence of loving liberty — to Russia, for instance, where despotism can be take pure, and without the base alloy of hypocracy''' [sic].
** Letter to longtime friend and slave-holder Joshua F. Speed (24 August 1855)

==== Speech on the Dred Scott Decision (1857) ====
[[File:The Library of Congress - (Abraham Lincoln, candidate for U.S. president. Head-and-shoulders portrait, facing right, June 3, 1860) (LOC).jpg|thumb|We believe … in obedience to, and respect for the judicial department of government. We think its decisions on Constitutional questions, when fully settled, should control, not only the particular cases decided, but the general policy of the country, subject to be disturbed only by amendments of the Constitution as provided in that instrument itself. More than this would be revolution.]]
:&lt;small&gt;[https://web.archive.org/web/20020908182323/http://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/index.asp?document=52 Speech at Springfield, Illinois on June 26, 1857.]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Washington Constitutional Convention 1787.jpg|thumb|In those days, our ''Declaration of Independence'' was held sacred by all, and thought to include all; but now, to aid in making the bondage of the negro universal and eternal, it is assailed, and sneered at, and construed, and hawked at, and torn, till, if its framers could rise from their graves, they could not at all recognize it.]]
[[File:Harriet Tubman c1868-69.jpg|thumb| In some respects she certainly is not my equal; but in her natural right to eat the bread she earns with her own hands without asking leave of any one else, she is my equal, and the equal of all others.]]
[[File:Birthplace of the US Republican Party 2.jpg|thumb|The Republicans inculcate, with whatever of ability they can, that the negro is a man; that his bondage is cruelly wrong, and that the field of his oppression ought not to be enlarged...]]
[[File:ConfederateCabinet.jpg|thumb|[[Democratic Party (United States)|The Democrats]] deny [[w:African American|his]] manhood; deny, or dwarf to insignificance, the wrong of his bondage; so far as possible, crush all sympathy for him, and cultivate and excite hatred and disgust against [[w:African American|him]].]]

* '''We believe … in obedience to, and respect for the judicial department of government. We think its decisions on Constitutional questions, when fully settled, should control, not only the particular cases decided, but the general policy of the country, subject to be disturbed only by amendments of the Constitution as provided in that instrument itself. More than this would be revolution.''' But we think the [[w:Dred Scott v. Sandford|Dred Scott decision]] is erroneous. … If this important decision had been made by the unanimous concurrence of the [[judges]], and without any apparent partisan bias, and in accordance with legal public expectation, and with the steady practice of the departments throughout our history, and had been in no part, based on assumed historical facts which are not really true; or, if wanting in some of these, it had been before the court more than once, and had there been affirmed and re-affirmed through a course of years, it then might be, perhaps would be, factious, nay, even revolutionary, to not acquiesce in it as a precedent.

* '''[[w:Roger Taney|Chief Justice]] does not directly assert, but plainly assumes, as a fact, that the public estimate of the black man is more favorable now than it was in the days of the Revolution. This assumption is a mistake'''. In some trifling particulars, the condition of that race has been ameliorated; but, as a whole, in this country, the change between then and now is decidedly the other way; and their ultimate destiny has never appeared so hopeless as in the last three or four years. '''In two of the five states — [[New Jersey]] and [[North Carolina]] — that then gave the free negro the right of voting, the right has since been taken away'''; and in a third — New York — it has been greatly abridged; while it has not been extended, so far as I know, to a single additional state, though the number of the States has more than doubled.

* '''In those days, as I understand, masters could, at their own pleasure, emancipate their slaves; but since then, such legal restraints have been made upon emancipation, as to amount almost to prohibition.''' In those days, Legislatures held the unquestioned power to abolish slavery in their respective States; but now it is becoming quite fashionable for [[w:State constitution (United States)|State Constitutions]] to withhold that power from the Legislatures. In those days, by common consent, the spread of the black man's bondage to new countries was prohibited; but now, Congress decides that it will not continue the prohibition, and the [[Supreme Court of the United States|Supreme Court]] decides that it could not if it would. '''In those days, our ''Declaration of Independence'' was held sacred by all, and thought to include all; but now, to aid in making the bondage of the negro universal and eternal, it is assailed, and sneered at, and construed, and hawked at, and torn, till, if its framers could rise from their graves, they could not at all recognize it'''. All the powers of earth seem rapidly combining against him. [[Mammon]] is after him; ambition follows, and philosophy follows, and the Theology of the day is fast joining the cry. They have him in his prison house; they have searched his person, and left no prying instrument with him. '''One after another they have closed the heavy iron doors upon him, and now they have him, as it were, bolted in with a lock of a hundred keys, which can never be unlocked without the concurrence of every key; the keys in the hands of a hundred different men, and they scattered to a hundred different and distant places; and they stand musing as to what invention, in all the dominions of mind and matter, can be produced to make the impossibility of his escape more complete than it is. It is grossly incorrect to say or assume, that the public estimate of the negro is more favorable now than it was at the origin of the government.'''

* There is a natural disgust in the minds of nearly all white people, to the idea of an indiscriminate amalgamation of the white and black races; and Judge Douglas evidently is basing his chief hope, upon the chances of being able to appropriate the benefit of this disgust to himself. If he can, by much drumming and repeating, fasten the odium of that idea upon his adversaries, he thinks he can struggle through the storm. He therefore clings to this hope, as a drowning man to the last plank. He makes an occasion for lugging it in from the opposition to the ''Dred Scott'' decision. He finds the [[Republican Party (United States)|Republicans]] insisting that the Declaration of Independence includes ALL men, black as well as white; and forth-with he boldly denies that it includes negroes at all, and proceeds to argue gravely that all who contend it does, do so only because they want to vote, and eat, and sleep, and marry with negroes! He will have it that they cannot be consistent else. Now I protest against that counterfeit logic which concludes that, because I do not want '''a black woman''' for a slave I must necessarily want her for a wife. I need not have her for either, I can just leave her alone. '''In some respects she certainly is not my equal; but in her natural right to eat the bread she earns with her own hands without asking leave of any one else, she is my equal, and the equal of ''all'' others'''.

* '''I think the authors of that notable instrument intended to include all men, but they did not intend to declare all men equal in all respects. They did not mean to say all were equal in color, size, intellect, moral developments, or social capacity. They defined with tolerable distinctness, in what respects they did consider all men created equal; equal in &quot;certain inalienable rights, among which are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.&quot; This they said, and this meant. They did not mean to assert the obvious untruth, that all were then actually enjoying that equality, nor yet, that they were about to confer it immediately upon them. In fact they had no power to confer such a boon. They meant simply to declare the right, so that the enforcement of it might follow as fast as circumstances should permit. They meant to set up a standard maxim for free society, which should be familiar to all, and revered by all; constantly looked to, constantly labored for, and even though never perfectly attained, constantly approximated, and thereby constantly spreading and deepening its influence, and augmenting the happiness and value of life to all people of all [[Race|colors]] everywhere. The assertion that &quot;all men are created equal&quot;''' was of no practical use in effecting our separation from [[United Kingdom|Great Britain]]; and it '''was placed in the Declaration''', nor for that, but '''for future use. Its authors meant it to be''', thank God, it is now proving itself, '''a stumbling block to those who in after times might seek to turn a free people back into the hateful paths of despotism. They knew the proneness of prosperity to breed tyrants, and they meant when such should re-appear in this fair land and commence their vocation they should find left for them at least one hard nut to crack.''' I have now briefly expressed my view of the '''meaning and objects of that part of the Declaration of Independence which declares that &quot;all men are created equal&quot;.'''

* '''Will springs from the two elements of moral sense and self-interest.'''

* The Republicans inculcate, with whatever of ability they can, that the negro is a man; that his bondage is cruelly wrong, and that the field of his oppression ought not to be enlarged. The Democrats deny his manhood; deny, or dwarf to insignificance, the wrong of his bondage; so far as possible, crush all sympathy for him, and cultivate and excite hatred and disgust against him; compliment themselves as Union-savers for doing so; and call the indefinite outspreading of his bondage &quot;a sacred right of self-government&quot;.

==== [[w:Lincoln's House Divided Speech|The House Divided speech]] (1858) ====
:&lt;small&gt;[[s:Life_and_Works_of_Abraham_Lincoln/Volume_4/A_House_Divided_Against_Itself_Cannot_Stand|Speech at the Republican State Convention, Springfield, Illinois, accepting the Republican nomination for US Senate]] (16 June 1858)&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Page8-Life and Works of Abraham Lincoln, v4.jpg|thumb|A house divided against itself cannot stand. I believe this government cannot endure, permanently half slave and half free.]]
[[File:Declaration_independence.jpg|thumb|I think the authors of that notable instrument intended to include all men, but they did not mean to declare all men equal in all respects. They did not mean to say all men were equal in color, size, intellect, moral development, or social capacity. They defined with tolerable distinctness in what they did consider all men created equal — equal in &quot;certain inalienable rights, among which are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.&quot;]]
[[File:Abraham Lincoln (head).png|thumb|Of strange, discordant, and even hostile elements, we gathered from the four winds, and formed and fought the battle through … Wise counsels may accelerate, or mistakes delay it, but, sooner or later, the victory is sure to come.]]

* '''If we could first know where we are, and whither we are tending, we could then better judge what to do, and how to do it.''' We are now far into the fifth year, since a policy was initiated, with the avowed object, and confident promise, of putting an end to slavery agitation. Under the operation of that policy, that agitation has not only, not ceased, but has constantly augmented. In my opinion, it will not cease, until a crisis shall have been reached, and passed.

* '''&quot;A house divided against itself cannot stand.&quot; I believe this government cannot endure, permanently half slave and half free. I do not expect the Union to be dissolved — I do not expect the house to fall — but I do expect it will cease to be divided. It will become all one thing or all the other.'''
** In this famous statement, Lincoln is quoting the response of [[Jesus|Jesus Christ]] to those who accused him of being able to cast out devils because he was empowered by the Prince of devils, recorded in [[s:Bible (King James)/Matthew#12:25|Matthew 12:25]]: &quot;And Jesus knew their thoughts, and said unto them, Every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation; and every city or house divided against itself shall not stand&quot;.

* Either the opponents of slavery, will arrest the further spread of it, and place it where the public mind shall rest in the belief that it is in the course of ultimate extinction; or its advocates will push it forward, till it shall become alike lawful in all the States, old as well as new — North as well as South. &lt;br /&gt; Have we no tendency to the latter condition? &lt;br /&gt; Let any one who doubts, carefully contemplate that now almost complete legal combination — piece of machinery so to speak — compounded of the [[w:Kansas-Nebraska Act|Nebraska doctrine]], and the [[w:Dred Scott v. Sandford|Dred Scott decision]].

* The new year of 1854 found slavery excluded from more than half the States by State constitutions, and from most of the national territory by congressional prohibition. Four days later commenced the struggle which ended in repealing that congressional prohibition. This opened all the national territory to slavery, and was the first point gained. But, so far, Congress only had acted; and an indorsement by the people, real or apparent, was indispensable to save the point already gained and give chance for more. This necessity had not been overlooked; but had been provided for, as well as might be, in the notable argument of '''&quot;squatter sovereignty,&quot; otherwise called &quot;sacred right of self government,&quot; which''' latter '''phrase''', though expressive of the only rightful basis of any government, was so perverted in this attempted use of it as to amount to just this: '''That if any one man, choose to enslave another, no third man shall be allowed to object.'''

* Under the Dred Scott decision, &quot;squatter sovereignty&quot; squatted out of existence, tumbled down like temporary scaffolding — like the mould at the foundry served through one blast and fell back into loose sand — helped to carry an election, and then was kicked to the winds.

* The several points of the Dred Scott decision, in connection with Senator Douglas's &quot;care-not&quot; policy, constitute the piece of machinery, in its present state of advancement. This was the third point gained. The working points of that machinery are: (1) That no negro slave, imported as such from Africa, and no descendant of such slave, can ever be a citizen of any State, in the sense of that term as used in the Constitution of the United States. This point is made in order to deprive the negro in every possible event of the benefit of that provision of the United States Constitution which declares that &quot;the citizens of each State shall be entitled to all the privileges and immunities of citizens in the several States.&quot; (2) That, &quot;subject to the Constitution of the United States,&quot; neither Congress nor a territorial legislature can exclude slavery from any United States Territory. This point is made in order that individual men may fill up the Territories with slaves, without danger of losing them as property, and thus enhance the chances of permanency to the institution through all the future. (3) That whether the holding a negro in actual slavery in a free State makes him free as against the holder, the United States courts will not decide, but will leave to be decided by the courts of any slave State the negro may be forced into by the master. This point is made not to be pressed immediately, but, if acquiesced in for a while, and apparently indorsed by the people at an election, then to sustain the logical conclusion that what Dred Scott's master might lawfully do with Dred Scott in the free State of Illinois, every other master may lawfully do with any other one or one thousand slaves in Illinois or in any other free State.

* Auxiliary to all this, and working hand in hand with it, the Nebraska doctrine, or what is left of it, is to educate and mold public opinion, at least Northern public opinion, not to care whether slavery is voted down or voted up. This shows exactly where we now are; and partially, also, whither we are tending. &lt;br /&gt; It will throw additional light on the latter, to go back, and run the mind over the string of historical facts already stated. Several things will now appear less dark and mysterious than they did when they were transpiring. The people were to be left &quot;perfectly free,&quot; subject only to the Constitution. What the Constitution had to do with it, outsiders could not then see. Plainly enough now, it was an exactly fitted niche, for the Dred Scott decision to afterward come in, and declare the perfect free freedom of the people to be just no freedom at all. Why was the amendment, expressly declaring the right of the people, voted down? Plainly enough now: the adoption of it would have spoiled the niche for the Dred Scott decision.

* We cannot absolutely know that all these exact adaptations are the result of preconcert. But when we see a lot of framed timbers, different portions of which we know have been gotten out at different times and places, and by different workmen — [[Stephen A. Douglas|Stephen]], [[Franklin Pierce|Franklin]], [[w:Roger B. Taney|Roger]], and [[James Buchanan|James]], for instance — and when we see these timbers joined together, and see they exactly matte the frame of a house or a mill, all the tenons and mortices exactly fitting, and all the lengths and proportions of the different pieces exactly adapted to their respective places, and not a piece too many or too few, — not omitting even scaffolding — or, if a single piece be lacking, we see the place in the frame exactly fitted and prepared yet to bring such piece in — in such a case we find it impossible not to believe that Stephen and Franklin and Roger and James all understood one another from the beginning and all worked upon a common plan or draft drawn up before the first blow was struck.

* While the opinion of the court, by Chief-Justice Taney, in the Dred Scott case and the separate opinions of all the concurring judges, expressly declare that the Constitution of the United States neither permits Congress nor a Territorial legislature to exclude slavery from any United States Territory, they all omit to declare whether or not the same Constitution permits a State, or the people of a State, to exclude it.

* Such a decision is all that slavery now lacks of being alike lawful in all the States. Welcome, or unwelcome, such decision is probably coming, and will soon be upon us, unless the power of the present political dynasty shall be met and overthrown. '''We shall lie down pleasantly dreaming that the people of Missouri are on the verge of making their State free, and we shall awake to the reality instead, that the Supreme Court has made Illinois a slave State.''' To meet and overthrow the power of that dynasty is the work now before all those who would prevent that consummation. This is what we have to do. How can we best do it?

* There are those who denounce us openly to their own friends and yet whisper us softly, that Senator Douglas is the aptest instrument there is with which to effect that object. They wish us to infer all this from the fact that he now has a little quarrel with the present head of the dynasty; and that he has regularly voted with us on a single point upon which he and we have never differed. '''They remind us that he is a great man, and that the largest of us are very small ones. Let this be granted. But &quot;a living dog is better than a dead lion.&quot; Judge Douglas, if not a dead lion, for this work, is at least a caged and toothless one.''' How can he oppose the advances of slavery? He does not care anything about it. His avowed mission is impressing the &quot;public heart&quot; to care nothing about it. A leading Douglas Democratic newspaper thinks Douglas's superior talent will be needed to resist the revival of the African slave-trade. Does Douglas believe an effort to revive that trade is approaching? He has not said so. Does he really think so? But if it is, how can he resist it? For years he has labored to prove it a sacred right of white men to take negro slaves into the new Territories. Can he possibly show that it is less a sacred right to buy them where they can be bought cheapest? And unquestionably they can be bought cheaper in Africa than in Virginia. He has done all in his power to reduce the whole question of slavery to one of a mere right of property; and as such, how can he oppose the foreign slave trade — how can he refuse that trade in that &quot;property&quot; shall be &quot;perfectly free&quot; — unless he does it as a protection to the home production? And as the home producers will probably not ask the protection, he will be wholly without a ground of opposition.

* Senator Douglas holds, we know, that a man may rightfully be wiser today than he was yesterday — that he may rightfully change when he finds himself wrong. But can we, for that reason, run ahead, and infer that he will make any particular change, of which he, himself, has given no intimation?

* Now, as ever, I wish not to misrepresent Judge Douglas's position, question his motives, or do aught that can be personally offensive to him. '''Whenever, if ever, he and we can come together on principle so that our cause may have assistance from his great ability, I hope to have interposed no adventitious obstacle. But clearly, he is not now with us — he does not pretend to be — he does not promise ever to be. Our cause, then, must be intrusted to, and conducted by, its own undoubted friends — those whose hands are free, whose hearts are in the work — who do care for the result.'''

* '''Of strange, discordant, and even hostile elements, we gathered from the four winds, and formed and fought the battle through, under the constant hot fire of a disciplined, proud, and pampered enemy.''' Did we brave all them to falter now? — now, when that same enemy is wavering, dissevered, and belligerent? The result is not doubtful. '''We shall not fail — if we stand firm, we shall not fail. Wise counsels may accelerate, or mistakes delay it, but, sooner or later, the victory is sure to come.'''

====Speech at Chicago (1858)====
[[File:Life and Works of Abraham Lincoln vol 3 p 8.jpg|thumb|Each individual is naturally entitled to do as he pleases with himself and the fruit of his labor, so far as it in no wise interferes with any other man's rights.]]
[[File:EdwardMoran-UnveilingTheStatueofLiberty1886Large.jpg|thumb|When they look through that old Declaration of Independence they find that those old men say that 'We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal,' and then they feel that that moral sentiment taught in that day evidences their relation to those men, that it is the father of all moral principle in them, and that they have a right to claim it as though they were blood of the blood, and flesh of the flesh of the men who wrote [[United States Declaration of Independence|that Declaration]], and so they are. That is the electric cord in [[United States Declaration of Independence|that Declaration]] that links the hearts of patriotic and liberty-loving men together, that will link those patriotic hearts as long as the love of freedom exists in the minds of men throughout the world.]]
:&lt;small&gt;[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln2/1:526?rgn=div1;singlegenre=All;sort=occur;subview=detail;type=simple;view=fulltext;q1=Let+us+discard+all+this+quibbling Address to Chicagoan abolitionists (10 July 1858); quoted in Roy P. Basler, ed., ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln'' (New Brunswick, N.J.: Rutgers University Press, 1953), p. 501].ee also: Abraham Lincoln (July 10, 1858): ''Speech at Chicago, Illinois''. Published by Teaching American History. [https://web.archive.org/web/20210411130540/https://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/document/speech-at-chicago-illinois/ Archived] from the [https://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/document/speech-at-chicago-illinois/ original] on April 11, 2021.&lt;/small&gt;

* '''I have always hated slavery, I think as much as any [[Abolitionism|Abolitionist]].'''

* '''I believe each individual is naturally entitled to do as he pleases with himself and the fruit of his labor, so far as it in no wise interferes with any other man's rights''', that '''each community, as a State, has a right to do exactly as it pleases with all the concerns within that State that interfere with the right of no other State, and that the general government, upon principle, has no right to interfere with anything other than that general class of things that does concern the whole.'''

* '''It is better''', then, '''to save the work while it is begun.''' You have done the labor; maintain it—keep it. '''If men choose to serve you, go with them; but as you have made up your organization upon principle, stand by it; for, as surely as God reigns over you, and has inspired your mind, and given you a sense of propriety and continues to give you hope, so surely you will still cling to these ideas, and you will at last come back again after your wanderings, merely to do your work over again.''' 

*[[United States|We]] are now a mighty [[Countries|nation]], we are thirty — or about thirty millions of people, and we own and inhabit about one‑fifteenth part of the dry land of the whole earth. We run our memory back over the pages of history for about eighty‑two years and we discover that we were then a very small people in point of numbers, vastly inferior to what we are now, with a vastly less extent of country, with vastly less of everything we deem desirable among men, we look upon the change as exceedingly advantageous to us and to our posterity, and we fix upon something that happened away back, as in some way or other being connected with this rise of prosperity. We find a race of men living in that day whom we claim as our fathers and grandfathers; they were iron men, they fought for the principle that they were contending for; and we understood that by what they then did it has followed that the degree of prosperity that we now enjoy has come to us. We hold this annual celebration to remind ourselves of all the good done in this process of time of how it was done and who did it, and how we are historically connected with it; and we go from these meetings in better humor with ourselves — we feel more attached the one to the other, and more firmly bound to the country we inhabit. In every way we are better men in the age, and race, and country in which we live for these celebrations. But after we have done all this we have not yet reached the whole.

*There is something else connected with it. We have besides these men — descended by blood from our ancestors — among us perhaps half our people who are not descendants at all of these men, they are men who have come from Europe — [[Germans|German]], [[Irish people|Irish]], [[French people|French]] and [[w:Scandinavian people|Scandinavian]] — men that have come from Europe themselves, or whose ancestors have come hither and settled here, finding themselves our equals in all things. '''If they look back through this history to trace their connection with those days by blood, they find they have none, they cannot carry themselves back into that glorious epoch and make themselves feel that they are part of us, but when they look through that old Declaration of Independence they find that those old men say that 'We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal,' and then they feel that that moral sentiment taught in that day evidences their relation to those men, that it is the father of all moral principle in them, and that they have a right to claim it as though they were blood of the blood, and flesh of the flesh of the men who wrote [[United States Declaration of Independence|that Declaration]], and so they are. That is the electric cord in [[United States Declaration of Independence|that Declaration]] that links the hearts of patriotic and liberty-loving men together, that will link those patriotic hearts as long as the love of freedom exists in the minds of men throughout the world.'''

*'''I should like to know if taking this old ''Declaration of Independence'', which declares that all men are equal upon principle and making exceptions to it where will it stop. If one man says it does not mean a negro, why not another say it does not mean some other man? If [[United States Declaration of Independence|that declaration]] is not the truth, let us get the Statute book, in which we find it and tear it out! Who is so bold as to do it! If it is not true let us tear it out! Let us stick to it then, let us stand firmly by it then.'''

*It may be argued that there are certain conditions that make necessities and impose them upon us, and to the extent that a necessity is imposed upon a man he must submit to it. I think that was the condition in which we found ourselves when we established this government. We had slavery among us, we could not get our constitution unless we permitted them to remain in slavery, we could not secure the good we did secure if we grasped for more, and having by necessity submitted to that much, it does not destroy the principle that is the charter of our liberties. Let that charter stand as our standard.

* It is said in one of the admonitions of the Lord, “As your Father in Heaven is perfect, be ye also perfect.” The Savior, I suppose, did not expect that any human creature could be perfect as the Father in Heaven; but He said, “As your Father in Heaven is perfect, be ye also perfect.” He set that up as a standard, and he who did most towards reaching that standard, attained the highest degree of moral perfection. So I say in relation to the principle that all men are created equal, let it be as nearly reached as we can. '''If we cannot give freedom to every creature, let us do nothing that will impose slavery upon any other creature. Let us then turn this government back into the channel in which the framers of the Constitution originally placed it.et us stand firmly by each other. If we do not do so we are turning in the contrary direction''', that our friend Judge Douglas proposes—not intentionally—as working in the traces tend to make this one universal slave nation.

* '''Let us discard all this quibbling about this man and the other man, this race and that race and the other race being inferior and therefore they must be placed in an inferior position. Let us discard all these things, and unite as one people throughout this land, until we shall once more stand up declaring that all men are created equal.'''

* '''I leave you, hoping that the lamp of liberty will burn in your bosoms until there shall no longer be a doubt that all men are created free and equal.'''

==== [[w:Lincoln–Douglas debates of 1858|Lincoln–Douglas debates]] (1858) ====
[[File: Benkos_Bioho.jpg|thumb|In relation to the principle that all men are created equal, let it be as nearly reached as we can. If we cannot give freedom to every creature, let us do nothing that will impose slavery upon any other creature.]]
[[File:Ottawa IL Washington Park Lincoln-Douglas Statues2.jpg|thumb|I leave you, hoping that the lamp of liberty will burn in your bosoms until there shall no longer be a doubt that all men are created free and equal.]]
[[File:Freeport Il Debate Square3.JPG|thumb|With public sentiment, nothing can fail; without it nothing can succeed. Consequently he who moulds public sentiment, goes deeper than he who enacts statutes or pronounces decisions.]]
[[File:Writing the Declaration of Independence 1776 cph.3g09904.jpg|thumb|I think the authors of that [[United States Declaration of Independence|notable instrument]] intended to include all men, but they did not mean to declare all men equal in all respects. They did not mean to say all men were equal in color, size, intellect, moral development, or social capacity. They defined with tolerable distinctness in what they did consider all men created equal — equal in &quot;certain inalienable rights, among which are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.&quot; This they said, and this they meant.]]
[[File:Lincoln debating douglas.jpg|thumb|Let us discard all this quibbling about this man and the other man; this race and that race and the other race being inferior, and therefore they must be placed in an inferior position; discarding our standard that we have left us. Let us discard all these things, and unite as one people throughout this land, until we shall once more stand up declaring that all men are created equal.]]
[[File:Abraham Lincoln by Byers, 1858 - crop.jpg|thumb|I do not perceive that because the white man is to have the superior position the negro should be denied everything. I do not understand that because I do not want a negro woman for a slave I must necessarily want her for a wife. My understanding is that I can just let her alone.]]
[[File:Abrahamlincoln.jpg|thumb|The entire records of the world, from the date of [[United States Declaration of Independence|the ''Declaration of Independence'']] up to within three years ago, may be searched in vain for one single affirmation, from one single man, that the negro was not included in [[United States Declaration of Independence|the ''Declaration of Independence'']]; I think I may defy Judge Douglas to show that he ever said so, that [[George Washington|Washington]] ever said so, that any President ever said so, that any member of Congress ever said so, or that any living man upon the whole earth ever said so, until the necessities of the present policy of [[Democratic Party (United States)|the Democratic Party]], in regard to [[slavery]], had to invent that affirmation.]]

* Now, it happens that we meet together once every year, sometimes about the fourth of July, for some reason or other. These [[Independence Day (United States)|fourth of July]] gatherings I suppose have their uses. … We are now a mighty nation; we are thirty, or about thirty, millions of people, and we own and inhabit about one-fifteenth part of the dry land of the whole earth. We run our memory back over the pages of history for about eighty-two years, and we discover that we were then a very small people in point of numbers, vastly inferior to what we are now, with a vastly less extent of country, with vastly less of everything we deem desirable among men; we look upon the change as exceedingly advantageous to us and to our posterity, and we fix upon something that happened away back, as in some way or other being connected with this rise of prosperity. '''We find a race of men living in that day whom we claim as our fathers and grandfathers; they were iron men; they fought for the principle that they were contending for; and we understood that by what they then did it has followed that the degree of prosperity which we now enjoy has come to us.''' We hold this annual celebration to remind ourselves of all the good done in this process of time, of how it was done and who did it, and how we are historically connected with it; and we go from these meetings in better humor with ourselves, we feel more attached the one to the other, and more firmly bound to the country we inhabit. In every way we are better men in the age, and race, and country in which we live, for these celebrations. But after we have done all this we have not yet reached the whole. There is something else connected with it. We have besides these, men descended by blood from our ancestors — among us, perhaps half our people, who are not descendants at all of these men; they are men who have come from Europe — German, Irish, French and Scandinavian — men that have come from Europe themselves, or whose ancestors have come hither and settled here, finding themselves our equals in all things. If they look back through this history to trace their connection with those days by blood, they find they have none, they cannot carry themselves back into that glorious epoch and make themselves feel that they are part of us, but when they look through that old Declaration of Independence, they find that those old men say that &quot;We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal&quot; and then they feel that that moral sentiment taught in that day evidences their relation to those men, that it is the father of all moral principle in them, and that they have a right to claim it as though they were blood of the blood, and flesh of the flesh, of the men who wrote [[United States Declaration of Independence|that Declaration]]; and so they are. '''That is the electric cord in [[United States Declaration of Independence|that Declaration]] that links the hearts of patriotic and liberty-loving men together, that will link those patriotic hearts as long as the love of freedom exists in the minds of men throughout the world.'''
** Speech in Reply to Senator [[Stephen Douglas]] in the [http://www.bartleby.com/251/1003.html Lincoln-Douglas debates] of the 1858 campaign for the U.S. Senate, at Chicago, Illinois (10 July 1858)

* Those arguments that are made, '''that the inferior race are to be treated with as much allowance as they are capable of enjoying'''; that as much is to be done for them as their condition will allow. What are these arguments? They are the arguments that kings have made for enslaving the people in all ages of the world. '''You will find that all the arguments in favor of king-craft were of this class; they always bestrode the necks of the people, not that they wanted to do it, but because the people were better off for being ridden. That is their argument, and this argument of the Judge is the same old serpent that says you work and I eat, you toil and I will enjoy the fruits of it.''' Turn in whatever way you will, whether it come from the mouth of a King, an excuse for enslaving the people of this country, or from the mouth of men of one race as a reason for enslaving the men of another race, it is all the same old serpent, and I hold if that course of argumentation that is made for the purpose of convincing the public mind that we should not care about this, should be granted, it does not stop with the negro. '''I should like to know if, taking this old Declaration of Independence, which declares that all men are equal upon principle, and making exceptions to it, where will it stop? If one man says it does not mean a negro, why not another say it does not mean some other man? If that [[w:All men are created equal|declaration]] is not the truth, let us get the [[United States Declaration of Independence|Statute book, in which we find it]], and tear it out! Who is so bold as to do it? If it is not true let us tear it out!''' [Cries of &quot;No, No.&quot;] Let us stick to it, then; let us stand firmly by it, then. It may be argued that there are certain conditions that make necessities and impose them upon us, and to the extent that a necessity is imposed upon a man, he must submit to it. I think that was the condition in which we found ourselves when we established this Government. We had slavery among us, we could not get our Constitution unless we permitted them to remain in slavery, we could not secure the good we did secure if we grasped for more; and having by necessity submitted to that much, it does not destroy the principle that is the charter of our liberties. Let that charter stand as our standard.
** Speech in reply to Senator [[Stephen Douglas]] in the [http://www.bartleby.com/251/1003.html Lincoln-Douglas debates] of the 1858 campaign for the U.S. Senate, at Chicago, Illinois (10 July 1858)

* My friend has said to me that I am a poor hand to quote Scripture. I will try it again, however. It is said in one of the admonitions of [[Jesus|our Lord]], &quot;As your Father in Heaven is perfect, be ye also perfect.&quot; The Saviour, I suppose, did not expect that any human creature could be perfect as the Father in Heaven; but He said, &quot;As your Father in Heaven is perfect, be ye also perfect.&quot; He set that up as a standard; and he who did most toward reaching that standard, attained the highest degree of moral perfection. '''So I say in relation to the principle that all men are created equal, let it be as nearly reached as we can. If we cannot give freedom to every creature, let us do nothing that will impose slavery upon any other creature.''' Let us then turn this Government back into the channel in which the framers of the Constitution originally placed it. Let us stand firmly by each other. If we do not do so we are turning in the contrary direction, that our friend Judge Douglas proposes — not intentionally — as working in the traces tend to make this one universal slave nation. He is one that runs in that direction, and as such I resist him. My friends, I have detained you about as long as I desired to do, and I have only to say, '''let us discard all this quibbling about this man and the other man; this race and that race and the other race being inferior, and therefore they must be placed in an inferior position; discarding our standard that we have left us. Let us discard all these things, and unite as one people throughout this land, until we shall once more stand up declaring that all men are created equal.''' My friends, I could not, without launching off upon some new topic, which would detain you too long, continue to-night. I thank you for this most extensive audience that you have furnished me to-night. '''I leave you, hoping that the lamp of liberty will burn in your bosoms until there shall no longer be a doubt that all men are created free and equal.'''
** Speech in reply to Senator [[Stephen Douglas]] in the [http://www.bartleby.com/251/1003.html Lincoln-Douglas debates] of the 1858 campaign for the U.S. Senate, at Chicago, Illinois (10 July 1858)

* '''I have no purpose, directly or indirectly, to interfere with the institution of slavery in the states where it exists. I believe I have no lawful right to do so, and I have no inclination to do so.'''
** First Debate with [[Stephen Douglas]] in the [http://www.bartleby.com/251/ Lincoln-Douglas debates] of the 1858 campaign for the U.S. Senate, at Ottawa, Illinois (21 August 1858). Lincoln later quoted himself and [[Abraham Lincoln#First_Inaugural_Address_(1861)|repeated this statement in his first Inaugural Address (4 March 1861)]] to emphasize that any acts of secession were over-reactions to his election. During the war which followed his election he eventually declared the [[Emancipation Proclamation]], freeing the slaves in those states in rebellion against the union, arguably as a war measure rather than as an entirely political or moral initiative.

* '''With public sentiment, nothing can fail; without it nothing can succeed. Consequently he who moulds public sentiment, goes deeper than he who enacts statutes or pronounces decisions. He makes statutes and decisions possible or impossible to be executed. '''
** First debate with Stephen Douglas Ottawa, Illinois (21 August 1858)

* While I was at the hotel to-day, an elderly gentleman called upon me to know whether I was really in favor of producing perfect equality between the negroes and white people. While I had not proposed to myself on this occasion to say much on that subject, yet as the question was asked me, I thought I would occupy perhaps five minutes in saying something in regard to it. I will say then that '''I am not, nor ever have been, in favor of bringing about in any way the social and political equality of the white and black races, that I am not, nor ever have been, in favor of making voters or jurors of negroes, nor of qualifying them to hold office, nor to intermarry with white people; and I will say in addition to this that there is a physical difference between the white and black races which I believe will forever forbid the two races living together on terms of social and political equality.''' And inasmuch as they cannot so live, while they do remain together there must be the position of superior and inferior, and I as much as any other man am in favor of having the superior position assigned to the white race. I say upon this occasion '''I do not perceive that because the white man is to have the superior position the negro should be denied every thing. I do not understand that because I do not want a negro woman for a slave I must necessarily want her for a wife. My understanding is that I can just let her alone. I am now in my fiftieth year, and I certainly never had a black woman for either a slave or a wife. So it seems to me quite possible for us to get along without making either slaves or wives of negroes'''. I will add to this that I have never seen, to my knowledge, a man, woman, or child who was in favor of producing a perfect equality, social and political, between negroes and white men... I have never had the least apprehension that I or my friends would marry negroes if there was no law to keep them from it, but as Judge Douglas and his friends seem to be in great apprehension that they might, if there were no law to keep them from it, I give him the most solemn pledge that I will to the very last stand by the law of this State, which forbids the marrying of white people with negroes.
** Fourth Lincoln-Douglas Debate (Charleston, 18 September 1858)

* The Judge has alluded to the [[United States Declaration of Independence|''Declaration of Independence'']], and insisted that negroes are not included in [[United States Declaration of Independence|that Declaration]]; and that it is a slander upon the framers of that instrument, to suppose that negroes were meant therein; and he asks you: Is it possible to believe that [[Thomas Jefferson|Mister Jefferson]], who penned the immortal paper, could have supposed himself applying the language of that instrument to the negro race, and yet held a portion of that race in slavery? Would he not at once have freed them? I only have to remark upon this part of the Judge's speech, and that, too, very briefly, for I shall not detain myself, or you, upon that point for any great length of time, that '''I believe the entire records of the world, from the date of the [[United States Declaration of Independence|''Declaration of Independence'']] up to within three years ago, may be searched in vain for one single affirmation, from one single man, that the negro was not included in the Declaration of Independence; I think I may defy [[Stephen A. Douglas|Judge Douglas]] to show that he ever said so, that [[George Washington|Washington]] ever said so, that any President ever said so, that any member of Congress ever said so, or that any living man upon the whole earth ever said so, until the necessities of the present policy of [[Democratic Party (United States)|the Democratic Party]], in regard to slavery''', had to invent that affirmation. And I will remind Judge Douglas and this audience that while [[Thomas Jefferson|Mister Jefferson]] was the owner of slaves, as undoubtedly he was, in speaking upon this very subject he used the strong language that “he trembled for his country when he remembered that God was just;” and I will offer the highest premium in my power to Judge Douglas if he will show that he, in all his life, ever uttered a sentiment at all akin to that of [[Thomas Jefferson|Jefferson]].
**[http://www.bartleby.com/251/pages/page328.html Fifth Lincoln-Douglas Debate] (7 October 1858), regarding [[Stephen A. Douglas]] and [[Democratic Party (United States)|the antebellum Democratic Party]]'s claim that African Americans were exempt from [[Thomas Jefferson]]'s assertion that all men were created equal.

* {{anchor|pigeon-soup}}Has it not got down as thin as the homeopathic soup that was made by boiling the shadow of a pigeon that had starved to death?
** On popular sovereignty; rejoinder in the Sixth Lincoln-Douglas Debate (13 October 1858); reported in ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln'', ed. Roy P. Basler (1953), vol. 3, p. 279

* Now, I have upon all occasions declared as strongly as Judge Douglas against the disposition to interfere with the existing institution of slavery. You hear me read it from the same speech from which he takes garbled extracts for the purpose of proving upon me a disposition to interfere with the institution of slavery, and establish a perfect social and political equality between negroes and white people. Allow me while upon this subject briefly to present one other extract from a speech of mine, more than a year ago, at Springfield, in discussing this very same question, soon after Judge Douglas took his ground that negroes were not included in the Declaration of Independence: '''I think the authors of that notable instrument intended to include all men, but they did not mean to declare all men equal in all respects. They did not mean to say all men were equal in color, size, intellect, moral development, or social capacity. They defined with tolerable distinctness in what they did consider all men created equal — equal in &quot;certain inalienable rights, among which are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.&quot; This they said, and this they meant.''' They did not mean to assert the obvious untruth that all were then actually enjoying that equality, or yet that they were about to confer it immediately upon them. In fact, they had no power to confer such a boon. They meant simply to declare the right, so that the enforcement of it might follow as fast as circumstances should permit. '''They meant to set up a standard maxim for free society which should be familiar to all, constantly looked to, constantly labored for, and even, though never perfectly attained, constantly approximated, and thereby constantly spreading and deepening its influence, and augmenting the happiness and value of life to all people, of all colors, everywhere'''... That is the real issue. That is the issue that will continue in this country when these poor tongues of Judge Douglas and myself shall be silent. '''It is the eternal struggle between these two principles — right and wrong — throughout the world.''' They are the two principles that have stood face to face from the beginning of time; and will ever continue to struggle. The one is the common right of humanity, and the other the divine right of kings. It is the same principle in whatever shape it develops itself. '''It is the same spirit that says, &quot;You toil and work and earn bread, and I'll eat it.&quot;''' '''No matter in what shape it comes, whether from the mouth of a king who seeks to bestride the people of his own nation and live by the fruit of their labor, or from one race of men as an apology for enslaving another race, it is the same tyrannical principle.'''
** Seventh and Last Joint Debate with Steven Douglas, at Alton, Illinois (15 October 1858)

====Speech at Lewistown, Illinois (1858)====
:&lt;small&gt;[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/t/text/text-idx?c=lincoln;rgn=div1;view=text;idno=lincoln2;node=lincoln2%3A567 Speech at Lewistown, Illinois (17 August 1858)]&lt;/small&gt;
*The Declaration of Independence was formed by the representatives of American liberty from thirteen States of the confederacy; twelve of which were slaveholding communities. We need not discuss the way or the reason of their becoming slaveholding communities. It is sufficient for our purpose that all of them greatly deplored the evil and that they placed a provision in the Constitution which they supposed would gradually remove the disease by cutting off its source. This was the abolition of the slave trade. So general was conviction, the public determination, to abolish the [[w:African slave trade|African slave trade]], that the provision which I have referred to as being placed in the Constitution, declared that it should not be abolished prior to the year 1808. A constitutional provision was necessary to prevent the people, through Congress, from putting a stop to the traffic immediately at the close of the war. Now, '''if slavery had been a good thing, would the Fathers of the Republic have taken a step calculated to diminish its beneficent influences among themselves, and snatch the boon wholly from their posterity? These communities, by their representatives in old Independence Hall, said to the whole world of men: ''&quot;We hold these truths to be self evident: that all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights; that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.&quot;'' This was their majestic interpretation of the economy of the Universe. This was their lofty, and wise, and noble understanding of the justice of the Creator to His creatures... Yes, gentlemen, to all His creatures, to the whole great family of man'''. In their enlightened belief, nothing stamped with the Divine image and likeness was sent into the world to be trodden on, and degraded, and imbruted by its fellows. They grasped not only the whole race of man then living, but they reached forward and seized upon the farthest posterity. They erected a beacon to guide their children and their children's children, and the countless myriads who should inhabit the earth in other ages. Wise statesmen as they were, they knew the tendency of prosperity to breed tyrants, and so they established these great self-evident truths, that when in the distant future some man, some faction, some interest, should set up the doctrine that none but rich men, or none but white men, were entitled to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, their posterity might look up again to the Declaration of Independence and take courage to renew the battle which their fathers began, so that truth, and justice, and mercy, and all the humane and Christian virtues might not be extinguished from the land; so that no man would hereafter dare to limit and circumscribe the great principles on which the temple of liberty was being built...

*Now, my countrymen if you have been taught doctrines conflicting with the great landmarks of the ''Declaration of Independence''; if you have listened to suggestions which would take away from its grandeur, and mutilate the fair symmetry of its proportions; if you have been inclined to believe that all men are not created equal in those inalienable rights enumerated by our chart of liberty, let me entreat you to come back. Return to the fountain whose waters spring close by the blood of the Revolution. Think nothing of me, take no thought for the political fate of any man whomsoever; but come back to the truths that are in the Declaration of Independence. You may do anything with me you choose, if you will but heed these sacred principles. You may not only defeat me for the Senate, but you may take me and put me to death. While pretending no indifference to earthly honors, I do claim to be actuated in this contest by something higher than an anxiety for office. I charge you to drop every paltry and insignificant thought for any man's success. It is nothing; I am nothing; Judge Douglas is nothing. But do not destroy that immortal emblem of Humanity; the Declaration of American Independence.

====Letter to Henry L. Pierce (1859)====
:&lt;small&gt;Published in [https://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln3/1:99?rgn=div1;view=fulltext ''Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln'' (1953). Vol. 3, p. 374-376]&lt;/small&gt;

* The [[Democracy]] of to-day hold the liberty of one man to be absolutely nothing, when in conflict with another man's right of [[property]]. Republicans, on the contrary, are both for the man and the dollar, but, in case of conflict, the man before the dollar. I remember once being much amused at seeing two partially intoxicated men engaged in a fight with their great-coats on, which fight, after a long and rather harmless contest, ended in each having fought himself out of his own coat, and into that of the other. If the two leading parties of this day are really identical with the two in the days of [[Thomas Jefferson|Jefferson]] and [[John Adams|Adams]], they have performed the same feat as the two drunken men.
** p. 375

* '''The principles of [[Thomas Jefferson|Jefferson]] are the definitions and axioms of free society. And yet they are denied and evaded, with no small show of success. One dashingly calls them ”glittering generalities.” Another bluntly calls them “self-evident lies.” And others insidiously argue that they apply to “superior races.” '''These expressions, different in form, are identical in object and effect — the supplanting the principles of free government, and restoring those of classification, caste and legitimacy. They would delight a convocation of crowned heads plotting against the people. They are the vanguard, the miner and sappers, of returning despotism. We must repulse them, or they will subjugate us.'''
** p. 376

* '''This is a world of compensation; and he would be no slave must consent to have no slaves. Those who deny freedom to others, deserve it not for themselves; and, under a just God, can not long retain it.'''
** p. 377

==== Address before the Wisconsin State Agricultural Society (1859) ====
:&lt;small&gt;An address given before the Wisconsin State Agricultural Society, in Milwaukee, on (30 September 1859) • [[s:Address before the Wisconsin State Agricultural Society|Full text online at Wikisource]]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Abraham Lincoln O-116 by Gardner, 1865.png|thumb|Some of you will be successful, and such will need but little philosophy to take them home in cheerful spirits; others will be disappointed, and will be in a less happy mood. To such, let it be said, “Lay it not too much to heart.” Let them adopt the maxim, “Better luck next time”; and then, by renewed exertion, make that better luck for themselves.]]
[[File:Præsident Lincoln.djvu|thumb|I know of nothing so pleasant to the mind, as the discovery of anything which is at once new and valuable — nothing which so lightens and sweetens toil, as the hopeful pursuit of such discovery.]]
[[File:President Abraham Lincoln and Tad Lincoln - NARA - 526284.tif|thumb|A capacity, and taste, for reading, gives access to whatever has already been discovered by others. It is the key, or one of the keys, to the already solved problems. And not only so. It gives a relish, and facility, for successfully pursuing the [yet] unsolved ones.]]

*If any continue through life in the condition of the hired laborer, it is not the fault of the system, but because of either a dependent nature which prefers it, or improvidence, folly, or singular misfortune.

* '''Some of you will be successful, and such will need but little philosophy to take them home in cheerful spirits; others will be disappointed, and will be in a less happy mood. To such, let it be said, “Lay it not too much to heart.” Let them adopt the maxim, “Better luck next time”; and then, by renewed exertion, make that better luck for themselves.'''

* From the first appearance of man upon the earth, down to very recent times, the words &quot;stranger&quot; and &quot;enemy&quot; were quite or almost, synonymous. Long after civilized nations had defined robbery and murder as high crimes, and had affixed severe punishments to them, when practiced among and upon their own people respectively, it was deemed no offence, but even meritorious, to rob, and murder, and enslave strangers, whether as nations or as individuals. Even yet, this has not totally disappeared. The man of the highest moral cultivation, in spite of all which abstract principle can do, likes him whom he does know, much better than him whom he does not know. To correct the evils, great and small, which spring from want of sympathy, and from positive enmity, among strangers, as nations, or as individuals, is one of the highest functions of civilization.

* '''Every man is proud of what he does ''well''; and no man is proud of what he does ''not'' do well. With the former, his heart is in his work; and he will do twice as much of it with less fatigue. The latter performs a little imperfectly, looks at it in disgust, turns from it, and imagines himself exceedingly tired. The little he has done, comes to nothing, for want of finishing.'''

* The ambition for broad acres leads to poor [[Agriculture|farming]], even with men of energy. I scarcely ever knew a mammoth farm to sustain itself; much less to return a profit upon the outlay. I have more than once known a man to spend a respectable fortune upon one; fail and leave it; and then some man of more modest aims, get a small fraction of the ground, and make a good living upon it. Mammoth farms are like tools or weapons, which are too heavy to be handled. Ere long they are thrown aside, at a great loss.

* The world is agreed that labor is the source from which human wants are mainly supplied. There is no dispute upon this point. From this point, however, men immediately diverge. Much disputation is maintained as to the best way of applying and controlling the labor element. By some it is assumed that labor is available only in connection with capital — that nobody labors, unless somebody else, owning capital, somehow, by the use of that capital, induces him to do it. Having assumed this, they proceed to consider whether it is best that capital shall hire laborers, and thus induce them to work by their own consent; or buy them, and drive them to it without their consent. Having proceeded so far they naturally conclude that all laborers are necessarily either hired laborers, or slaves. They further assume that whoever is once a hired laborer, is fatally fixed in that condition for life; and thence again that his condition is as bad as, or worse than that of a slave. This is the &quot;mud-sill&quot; theory. … By the &quot;mud-sill&quot; theory it is assumed that labor and education are incompatible; and any practical combination of them impossible. According to that theory, a blind horse upon a tread-mill, is a perfect illustration of what a laborer should be — all the better for being blind, that he could not tread out of place, or kick understandingly. According to that theory, the education of laborers, is not only useless, but pernicious, and dangerous. In fact, it is, in some sort, deemed a misfortune that laborers should have heads at all.

* The old general rule was that ''educated'' people did not perform manual labor. They managed to eat their bread, leaving the toil of producing it to the uneducated. This was not an insupportable evil to the working bees, so long as the class of drones remained very small. But ''now'', especially in these free States, nearly all are educated — quite too nearly all, to leave the labor of the uneducated, in any wise adequate to the support of the whole. It follows from this that henceforth educated people must labor. Otherwise, education itself would become a positive and intolerable evil. '''No country can sustain, in idleness, more than a small percentage of its numbers. The great majority must labor at something productive.'''

* I suppose, however, I shall not be mistaken, in assuming as a fact, that the people of Wisconsin prefer free labor, with its natural companion, education. This leads to the further reflection, that no other human occupation opens so wide a field for the profitable and agreeable combination of labor with cultivated thought, as agriculture. '''I know of nothing so pleasant to the mind, as the discovery of anything which is at once ''new'' and ''valuable'' — nothing which so lightens and sweetens toil, as the hopeful pursuit of such discovery.''' And how vast, and how varied a field is agriculture, for such discovery. The mind, already trained to thought, in the country school, or higher school, cannot fail to find there an exhaustless source of profitable enjoyment.

* '''Every blade of grass is a study; and to produce two, where there was but one, is both a profit and a pleasure.'''

* '''A capacity, and taste, for reading, gives access to whatever has already been discovered by others. It is the key, or one of the keys, to the already solved problems. And not only so. It gives a relish, and facility, for successfully pursuing the [yet] unsolved ones.'''

* It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a sentence, to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate in all times and situations. They presented him the words: &quot;[[w:This too shall pass|And this, too, shall pass away]].&quot; How much it expresses! How chastening in the hour of pride! How consoling in the depths of affliction!

====Autobiographical Sketch Written for [[w:Jesse W. Fell|Jesse W. Fell]] (1859) ====
:&lt;small&gt;Written on December 20, 1859; as published in ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=ISg9AAAAYAAJ The Autobiography of Abraham Lincoln]'' (1905) pp. 31-36.&lt;/small&gt;

* ''My dear Sir'': Herewith is a little sketch, as you requested. There is not much of it, for the reason, I suppose, that there is not much of me. If anything be made out of it, I wish it to be modest, and not to go beyond the material. If it were thought necessary to incorporate anything from any of my speeches, I suppose there would be no objection. Of course it must not appear to have been written by myself.&lt;!--p.31--&gt;

* My parents were both born in Virginia of undistinguished families... '''My mother, who died in my tenth year, was of a family of the name of Hanks'''...&lt;!--p.32--&gt;

* '''My paternal grandfather, Abraham Lincoln''', emigrated from [[w:Rockingham County, Virginia|Rockingham County, Virginia]], to Kentucky about 1781 or 1782, where a year or two later he '''was killed by the Indians''', not in battle, but by stealth, '''when he was laboring to open a farm in the forest. His ancestors''', who '''were [[Quaker|Quakers]]''', went to Virginia from [[w:Berks County, Pennsylvania|Berks County, Pennsylvania]].&lt;!--p.32--&gt;

* '''My father, at the death of his father, was but six years of age, and he grew up literally without education. He removed from Kentucky to what is now Spencer County, Indiana, in my eighth year.''' We reached our new home about the time the State came into the Union. '''It was a wild region, with many bears and other wild animals still in the woods. There I grew up.'''&lt;!--p.33--&gt;

* '''There were some schools, so called, but no qualification was ever required of a teacher beyond &quot;readin', writin', and cipherin' &quot; to the [[w:Cross-multiplication#Rule of Three|rule of three]]. If a straggler supposed to understand Latin happened to sojourn in the neighborhood, he was looked upon as a wizard. There was absolutely nothing to excite ambition for education. Of course, when I came of age I did not know much.''' Still, somehow, I could read, write, and cipher to the rule of three, but that was all. I have not been to school since. '''The little advance I now have upon this store of education, I have picked up from time to time under the pressure of necessity.'''&lt;!--pp.33-34--&gt;

* I was raised to farm work, which I continued till I was twenty-two. At twenty-one I came to Illinois, [[w:Macon County, Illinois|Macon County]]. Then I got to [[w:New Salem, Illinois|New Salem]], at that time in [[w:Sangamon County, Illinois|Sangamon]], now in [[w:Menard County, Illinois|Menard County]], where I remained a year as a sort of clerk in a store.&lt;!--p.34--&gt;

* '''Then came the [[w:Black Hawk War|Black Hawk war]]; and I was elected a captain of volunteers, a success which gave me more pleasure than any I have had since. I went the campaign, was elated, ran for the legislature the same year (1832), and was beaten — the only time I ever have been beaten by the people.''' The next and three succeeding biennial elections I was elected to the [[w:Illinois House of Representatives|legislature]]. I was not a candidate afterwards. During this legislative period I had studied law, and removed to Springfield to practice it.&lt;!--pp.34-35--&gt;

* In 1846 I was once elected to the lower House of [[United States Congress|Congress]]. Was not a candidate for reëlection. From 1849 to 1854, both inclusive, practiced law more assiduously than ever before. Always a [[w:Whig Party (United States)|Whig]] in politics; and generally on the Whig electoral tickets making active canvasses. '''I was losing interest in politics when the repeal of the {{w|Missouri Compromise}} aroused me again. What I have done since then is pretty well known.'''&lt;!--pp.35-36--&gt;

* If any personal description of me is thought desirable, it may be said I am, in height, six feet four inches, nearly; lean in flesh, weighing on an average one hundred and eighty pounds; dark complexion, with coarse black hair and gray eyes. '''No other marks or brands recollected.'''&lt;!--p.36--&gt;

=== 1860s ===
[[File:Lincoln by George H Story c1915.jpg|thumb|I know not how to aid you, save in the assurance of one of mature age, and much severe experience, that you ''can'' not fail, if you resolutely determine, that you ''will'' not.]]&lt;!-- 22 July 1860 --&gt;
[[File:Brooklyn Museum - Abraham Lincoln - overall.jpg|thumb|Beware of rashness, but with energy and sleepless vigilance go forward and give us victories.]]&lt;!-- 26 January 1863 --&gt;
[[File:Horses are drinking from Stary Ivanchug River, Astrakhan Oblast, Russia 2018 April 30 (2451).jpg|thumb|It is not best to swap horses while crossing the river.]]&lt;!-- 9 June 1862 --&gt;
[[File:Great Meeting Union Square.jpg|thumb|I appeal to all loyal citizens to favor, facilitate and aid this effort to maintain the honor, the integrity, and the existence of our National Union, and the perpetuity of popular government.]]&lt;!-- 15 April 1861 --&gt;
[[File:Confederate Navy Jack (light blue).svg|thumb|The [[Confederate States of America|Confederacy]] stands for [[slavery]] and [[United States|the Union]] for freedom.]]&lt;!-- January 1862 --&gt;
[[File:Abraham Lincoln by Alexander Helser, 1860-crop.jpg|thumb| The severest justice may not always be the best policy.]]&lt;!-- 17 July 1862 --&gt;
[[File:Abraham Lincoln O-42 by Christopher German, 1861.jpg|thumb|I shall try to correct [[errors]] when shown to be errors; and I shall adopt new views so fast as they shall appear to be true views.]]&lt;!-- 22 August 1862 --&gt;
&lt;!-- [[File:Rippl_Sorrow.jpg |thumb|In this sad world of ours, sorrow comes to all; and, to the young, it comes with bitterest agony, because it takes them unawares. …]] a generally thematic image commented out here to reduce image-overcrowding in this section // quote of 23 December 1862--&gt;
&lt;!-- This image is used elsewhere on the page [[File:PinkertonLincolnMcClernand.jpg|thumb|Only those generals who gain successes, can set up dictators.]] //caption : 26 January 1863--&gt;
[[File:Cicatrices de flagellation sur un esclave.jpg|thumb|If any should be slaves, it should be first those who desire it for themselves, and secondly, those who desire it for others.]]&lt;!-- 14 July 1864 --&gt;
[[File:Freeport Il Lincoln the Debater1.JPG|thumb| When I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.]]&lt;!-- 14 July 1864 --&gt;
[[File:Abraham_Lincoln_President,_United_States,_and_Cabinet_-_NARA_-_528323.tif|thumb|This government cannot much longer play a game in which it stakes all, and its enemies stake nothing.]]
[[File:John Chester Buttre01.jpg|thumb|[[Truth]] is generally the best vindication against slander.]]&lt;!-- 14 July 1864 --&gt;
[[File:Ulysses S. Grant from West Point to Appomattox.jpg|thumb|I wish some of you would tell me the brand of whiskey that Grant drinks. I would like to send a barrel of it to my other generals.]] &lt;!-- September 18, 1863 --&gt;
[[File:God the Father with His Right Hand Raised in Blessing.jpg|thumb|The purposes of the Almighty are perfect, and must prevail, though we erring mortals may fail to accurately perceive them in advance.]]&lt;!-- 4 September 1864 --&gt;
[[File:Lincoln inaugural bible 2.jpg|thumb|In regard to this Great Book, I have but to say, it is the best gift God has given to man. All the good the Saviour gave to the world was communicated through this book.]]&lt;!-- 8 September 1864 --&gt;
[[File:Abraham Lincoln by Boston Public Library.jpg|thumb|I desire so to conduct the affairs of this administration that if at the end, when I come to lay down the reins of power, I have lost every other friend on earth, I shall at least have one friend left, and that friend shall be down inside of me.]]&lt;!-- 30 September 1864 --&gt;
[[File:Punchbowl (1238).JPG|thumb|...the solemn pride that must be yours, to have laid so costly a sacrifice upon the altar of Freedom.]]&lt;!-- 21 November 1864 --&gt;

* &quot;More rogues than honest men find shelter under [[w:Habeas corpus in the United States|habeas corpus]]&quot;
* I have scarcely felt greater pain in my life than on learning yesterday from Bob's letter, that you had failed to enter [[Harvard University]]. And yet there is very little in it, if you will allow no feeling of ''discouragement'' to seize, and prey upon you. It is a ''certain'' truth, that you ''can'' enter, and graduate in, Harvard University; and having made the attempt, you ''must'' succeed in it. ``''Must''´´ is the word. '''I know not how to aid you, save in the assurance of one of mature age, and much severe experience, that you ''can'' not fail, if you resolutely determine, that you ''will'' not.'''
** [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln4/1:108?rgn=div1;view=fulltext Letter to George C. Latham (22 July 1860)]; published in ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln'' (1953) by Roy P. Basler, vol. 4, p. 4&lt;!-- New Brunswick, N.J.: Rutgers University Press --&gt;

* I thank you, in common with all others, who have thought fit, by their votes, to indorse the Republican cause. I rejoice with you in the success which has, so far, attended that cause. Yet in all our rejoicing '''let us neither express, nor cherish, any harsh feeling towards any citizen who, by his vote, has differed with us. Let us at all times remember that all American citizens are brothers of a common country, and should dwell together in the bonds of fraternal feeling.'''
** [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln4/1:214?rgn=div1;view=fulltext Remarks at Springfield, Illinois (20 November 1860)]; published in ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln'' (1953) by Roy P. Basler, vol. 4, p. 142

* I think very much of the people, as an old friend said he thought of woman. He said when he lost his first wife, who had been a great help to him in his business, he thought he was ruined — that he could never find another to fill her place. At length, however, he married another, who he found did quite as well as the first, and that his opinion now was that any woman would do well who was well done by. So I think of the whole people of this nation — they will ever do well if well done by. We will try to do well by them in all parts of the country, North and South, with entire confidence that all will be well with all of us.
** Remarks at Bloomington, Illinois (21 November 1860); published in ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln'' (1953) by Roy P. Basler, vol. 4, p. 143

* All this is not the result of accident. It has a philosophical cause. Without the ''Constitution'' and the ''Union'', we could not have attained the result; but even these, are not the primary cause of our great prosperity. There is something back of these, entwining itself more closely about the human heart. That something, is '''the principle of &quot;Liberty to all&quot;''' — the principle that '''clears the ''path'' for all — gives ''hope'' to all — and, by consequence, ''enterprize'', and ''industry'' to all.''' The ''expression'' of that principle, in our Declaration of Independence, was most happy, and fortunate. ''Without'' this, as well as ''with'' it, we could have declared our independence of Great Britain; but ''without'' it, we could not, I think, have secured our free government, and consequent prosperity. '''No oppressed, people will ''fight'', and ''endure'',''' as our fathers did, '''without the promise of something better, than a mere change of masters.''' The assertion of that ''principle'', at that time, was the word, &quot;''fitly spoken''&quot; which has proved an &quot;apple of gold&quot; to us. The ''Union'', and the ''Constitution'', are the picture of silver, subsequently framed around it. The picture was made, not to ''conceal'', or ''destroy'' the apple; but to ''adorn'', and ''preserve'' it. The ''picture'' was made ''for'' the apple — ''not'' the apple for the picture. So let us act, that neither ''picture'', or ''apple'' shall ever be blurred, or bruised or broken. That we may so act, we must study, and understand the points of danger.
** [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln4/1:264?rgn=div1;view=fulltext Fragment on the Constitution and the Union] (c. January, 1861); published in ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln'' (1953) by Roy P. Basler, vol. 4, p. 168

* &lt;!-- Your kind letter of the 25th ult., and the express package containing the bronze medal of --&gt;[[Henry Clay|Mr. Clay]], &lt;!-- both came safely to hand this morning. Permit me, in the first place, to return you my heartfelt thanks for your goodness in sending me this valuable present; and secondly, to express the extreme gratification I feel in possessing so beautiful a memento of him whom, --&gt; during my whole political life, I have loved and revered as a teacher and leader.
** Letter to Daniel Ullmann (1 February 1861); quoted in [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/j/jala/2629860.0016.105?view=text;rgn=main &quot;Why Abraham Lincoln Was a Whig&quot; by Daniel Walker Howe, ''The Journal of the Abraham Lincoln Association'', Volume 16, Issue 1 (Winter 1995)]; also in [http://books.google.com/books?id=meYLTCRlHaQC&amp;pg=PA72&amp;lpg=PA72&amp;dq=Lincoln+%22I+have+loved+and+revered%22&amp;source=bl&amp;ots=A-QLTNlkSN&amp;sig=F0MdGo6rkAVKc3tIQSs0Xp4AdSY&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ei=fmpQUv22LpCi4APhj4HoDQ&amp;ved=0CC8Q6AEwAQ#v=onepage&amp;q=Lincoln%20%22I%20have%20loved%20and%20revered%22&amp;f=false ''We Have the War Upon Us: The Onset of the Civil War, November 1860-April 1861'' (2013) by William J. Cooper, p. 72]&lt;!-- Random House LLC, Jun 4, 2013 --&gt;

* While I do not expect, upon this occasion, or on any occasion, till after I get to Washington, to attempt any lengthy speech, I will only say that to '''the salvation of this Union''' there '''needs but one single thing — the hearts of a people like yours. When the people rise in masses in behalf of the Union and the liberties of their country, truly may it be said, [[s:Bible (King James)/Matthew#16:18|&quot;the gates of hell shall not prevail against it.&quot;]]''' In all the trying positions in which I shall be placed, and doubtless I shall be placed in many trying ones, my reliance will be placed upon you and the people of the United States — and''' I wish you to remember now and forever, that it is your business, and not mine; that if the union of these States, and the liberties of this people, shall be lost, it is but little to any one man of fifty-two years of age, but a great deal to the''' thirty '''millions of people who inhabit these United States, and to their posterity in all coming time. It is your business to rise up and preserve the Union and liberty, for yourselves, and not for me.''' I desire they shall be constitutionally preserved. I, as already intimated, am but an accidental instrument, temporary, and to serve but for a limited time, but I appeal to you again to constantly bear in mind that '''with you, and not with politicians, not with Presidents, not with office-seekers, but with you, is the question, ``Shall the Union and shall the liberties of this country be preserved to the latest generation?`` '''
** [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln4/1:312?rgn=div1;singlegenre=All;sort=occur;subview=detail;type=simple;view=fulltext;q1=shall+the+union+and+shall+the+liberties Reply to Oliver P. Morton at Indianapolis, Indiana] (February 11, 1861); published in ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln'' (1953) by Roy P. Basler, vol. 4, p. 202, p. 193-194

* I agree with you, Mr. Chairman, that the '''working men are the basis of all governments, for the plain reason that they are the most numerous''', and as you added that those were the sentiments of the gentlemen present, representing not only the working class, but citizens of other callings than those of the mechanic, I am happy to concur with you in these sentiments, not only of the native born citizens, but also of the Germans and foreigners from other countries. Mr. Chairman, I hold that '''while man exists, it is his duty to improve not only his own condition, but to assist in ameliorating mankind'''; and therefore, without entering upon the details of the question, I will simply say, that '''I am for those means which will give the greatest good to the greatest number.'''
** Speech to Germans at Cincinnati, Ohio (February 12, 1861); published in ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln'' (1953) by Roy P. Basler, vol. 4, p. 202&lt;!-- New Brunswick, N.J.: Rutgers University Press --&gt;
** The phrase &quot;I am for those means which will give the greatest good to the greatest number.&quot; is allusion to British jurist, philosopher, and legal and social reformer [[Jeremy Bentham]] who wrote in his &quot;Extracts from Bentham's Commonplace Book&quot;, in Collected Works, x, p. 142: &quot;[[Joseph Priestley|Priestley]] was the first (unless it was [[w:Cesare Beccaria|Beccaria]]) who taught my lips to pronounce this sacred truth — that '''the greatest happiness of the greatest number is the foundation of morals and legislation.'''&quot;

* I am rather inclined to silence, and whether that be wise or not, it is at least more unusual nowadays to find a man who can hold his tongue than to find one who cannot.
** Remarks at the Monogahela House (14 February 1861); as published in ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln'' (1953) by Roy P. Basler, vol. 4, p. 209

* '''I appeal to all loyal citizens to favor, facilitate and aid this effort to maintain the honor, the integrity, and the existence of our National Union, and the perpetuity of popular government; and to redress wrongs already long enough endured.'''
** [http://www.historyplace.com/lincoln/proc-1.htm Proclamation Calling Militia and Convening Congress on (15 April 1861)]

* And whereas '''it is fit and becoming in all people, at all times''', to acknowledge and revere the Supreme Government of God; to bow in humble submission to his chastisements; '''to confess and deplore their sins and transgressions in the full conviction that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; and to pray, with all fervency and contrition, for the pardon of their past offences, and for a blessing upon their present and prospective action'''... And whereas, when our own beloved Country, once, by the blessing of God, united, prosperous and happy, is now afflicted with faction and civil war, '''it is peculiarly fit for us''' to recognize the hand of God in this terrible visitation, and in sorrowful remembrance of our own faults and crimes as a nation and as individuals, to humble ourselves before Him, and to pray for His mercy, — '''to pray that we may be spared further punishment, though most justly deserved; that our arms may be blessed and made effectual for the re-establishment of law, order and peace, throughout the wide extent of our country; and that the inestimable boon of civil and religious liberty''', earned under His guidance and blessing, '''by the labors and sufferings of our fathers, may be restored in all its original excellence''': — 
** [http://www.historyplace.com/lincoln/proc-3.htm Abraham Lincoln: Proclamation of a Day of Fasting (12 August 1861)]

* Therefore, '''I, Abraham Lincoln, President of the United States, do appoint the last Thursday in September next, as a day of humiliation, prayer and fasting for all the people of the nation. And I do earnestly recommend to all the People, and especially to all ministers and teachers of religion of all denominations, and to all heads of families, to observe and keep that day according to their several creeds and modes of worship, in all humility and with all religious solemnity, to the end that the united prayer of the nation may ascend to the Throne of Grace and bring down plentiful blessings upon our Country.'''
** [http://www.historyplace.com/lincoln/proc-3.htm Abraham Lincoln: Proclamation of a Day of Fasting (12 August 1861)]

* I think to lose Kentucky is nearly the same as to lose the whole game. Kentucky gone, we can not hold Missouri, nor, as I think, [[Maryland]].
** Letter to [[w:Orville Hickman Browning|Orville Hickman Browning]] (22 September 1861)

*The [[Confederate States of America|Confederacy]] stands for [[slavery]] and [[United States|the Union]] for freedom.
**[https://books.google.com/books?id=cpLsLWYhMLoC&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;dq=%22not+a+man+shall+be+a+slave%22+%22Mcpherson%22&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0CC0Q6AEwAzgKahUKEwjiwOnYqoLIAhUIez4KHaTnDok#v=onepage&amp;q=slavery&amp;f=false Private conversation] (January 1862)

* '''The severest justice may not always be the best policy.'''
** Veto message, eventually not executed, written as a response to the [[w:Confiscation Acts|Second Confiscation Act]] passed by Congress. (17 July 1862)
** ''The Emancipation Proclamation'', by John Hope Franklin, Doubleday Anchor Books, New York, NY, 1963, p. 19

* I am a patient man — always willing to forgive on the Christian terms of repentance; and also to give ample time for repentance. Still I must save this government if possible.
** Letter to {{w|Reverdy Johnson}} (26 July 1862)

* '''Broken eggs cannot be mended'''; but Louisiana has nothing to do now but to take her place in the Union as it was, barring the already broken eggs. The sooner she does so, the smaller will be the amount of that which will be past mending. '''This government cannot much longer play a game in which it stakes all, and its enemies stake nothing. Those enemies must understand that they cannot experiment for ten years trying to destroy the government, and if they fail still come back into the Union unhurt.'''
** [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln5/1:762?rgn=div1;view=fulltext Letter to August Belmont (31 July 1832)] in &quot;The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln&quot; edited by Roy P. Basler, Volume V, p. 350-351

* You and I are different races. We have between us a broader difference than exists between almost any other races. Whether it be right or wrong, I need not discuss; but this physical difference is a great disadvantage to us both, as I think. Your race suffer very greatly, many of them by living amongst us, while ours suffer from your presence. In a word, we suffer on each side. If this is admitted, it affords a reason at least why we should be separated.
** Statement to the Deputation of Free Negroes (14 August 1862), in ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln'', edited by Roy P. Baler, Rutgers University Press, 1953, Vol. V, p. 371

* May our children and our children's children to a thousand generations, continue to enjoy the benefits conferred upon us by a united country, and have cause yet to rejoice under those glorious institutions bequeathed us by Washington and his compeers.
** Second Speech at Frederick, Maryland (4 October 1862)

* '''In this sad world of ours, sorrow comes to all; and, to the young, it comes with bitterest agony, because it takes them unawares.''' The older have learned to ever expect it. I am anxious to afford some alleviation of your present distress. '''Perfect relief is not possible, except with time. You can not now realize that you will ever feel better.''' Is not this so? And yet it is a mistake. '''You are sure to be happy again. To know this, which is certainly true, will make you some less miserable now. I have had experience enough to know what I say; and you need only to believe it, to feel better at once.'''
** Letter to Fanny McCullough (23 December 1862); ''Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln'', edited by Roy P. Basler

* I have heard, in such way as to believe it, of your recently saying that both the [[United States Armed Forces|Army]] and the [[Federal government of the United States|Government]] needed a Dictator. Of course it was not for this, but in spite of it, that I have given you the command. '''Only those generals who gain successes, can set up [[Dictatorship|dictators]].''' What I now ask of you is military success, and I will risk the dictatorship. The government will support you to the utmost of its ability, which is neither more nor less than it has done and will do for all commanders. I much fear that the spirit which you have aided to infuse into the Army, of criticizing their Commander, and withholding confidence from him, will now turn upon you. I shall assist you as far as I can, to put it down. Neither you, nor [[Napoleon]], if he were alive again, could get any good out of an army, while such a spirit prevails in it.
** [http://www.historyplace.com/lincoln/lett-4.htm Letter to Major General] [[w:Joseph Hooker|Joseph Hooker]] (26 January 1863)

* '''Beware of rashness, but with energy and sleepless vigilance go forward and give us victories.'''
** [http://www.historyplace.com/lincoln/lett-4.htm Letter to Major General] [[w:Joseph Hooker|Joseph Hooker]] (26 January 1863)

* We have been the recipients of the choicest bounties of Heaven. We have been preserved, these many years, in peace and prosperity. We have grown in numbers, wealth and power, as no other nation has ever grown. But we have forgotten God. We have forgotten the gracious hand which preserved us in peace, and multiplied and enriched and strengthened us; and we have vainly imagined, in the deceitfulness of our hearts, that all these blessings were produced by some superior wisdom and virtue of our own. Intoxicated with unbroken success, we have become too self-sufficient to feel the necessity of redeeming and preserving grace, too proud to pray to the God that made us!
** Upon proclaiming a National Fast Day (30 March 1863)

* The man who stands by and says nothing, when the peril of his government is discussed, can not be misunderstood. If not hindered, he is sure to help the enemy.
** [https://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln6/1:569?rgn=div1;view=fulltextLetter to Erastus Corning and Others] (12 June 1863) in &quot;The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln, vol.6&quot; (The Abraham Lincoln Association, 1953), p. 265

* Long experience has shown that armies can not be maintained unless [[w:Desertion|desertion]] shall be punished by the severe penalty of death. The case requires, and the law and the constitution, sanction this punishment. '''Must I shoot a simple-minded soldier boy who deserts, while I must not touch a hair of a wiley agitator who induces him to desert? This is none the less injurious when effected by getting a father, or brother, or friend, into a public meeting, and there working upon his feeling, till he is persuaded to write the soldier boy, that he is fighting in a bad cause, for a wicked administration of a contemptable government, too weak to arrest and punish him if he shall desert. I think that in such a case, to silence the agitator, and save the boy, is not only constitutional, but, withal, a great mercy.'''
** [https://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln6/1:569?rgn=div1;view=fulltext Letter to Erastus Corning and Others] (12 June 1863) in &quot;The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln, vol. 6&quot; (The Abraham Lincoln Association, 1953), p. 266

* I do not remember that you and I ever met personally. I write this now as a grateful acknowledgment for the almost inestimable service you have done the country. I wish to say a word further. When you first reached the vicinity of Vicksburg, I thought you should do, what you finally did, march the troops across the neck, run the batteries with the transports, and thus go below; and I never had any faith, except a general hope that you knew better than I, that the Yazoo Pass expedition, and the like, could succeed. When you got below, and took Port-Gibson, Grand Gulf, and vicinity, I thought you should go down the river and join General Banks; and when you turned Northward East of the Big Black, I feared it was a mistake. I now wish to make the personal acknowledgment that you were right, and I was wrong.
** [http://www.abrahamlincolnonline.org/lincoln/speeches/grant.htm Letter to Ulysses S. Grant] (13 July 1863), Washington, D.C.

* '''It is the duty of every government to give protection to its citizens, of whatever class, color, or condition, and especially to those who are duly organized as soldiers in the public service. The [[International law|law of nations]] and the usages and customs of war as carried on by civilized powers, permit no distinction as to color in the treatment of [[w:Prisoners of war|prisoners of war]] as public enemies. To sell or enslave any captured person, on account of his color, and for no offence against the laws of war, is a relapse into barbarism and a crime against the civilization of the age.''' The government of the United States will give the same protection to all its soldiers, and '''if the enemy shall sell or enslave anyone because of his color, the offense shall be punished by retaliation upon the enemy's prisoners in our possession. It is therefore ordered that for every soldier of the United States killed in violation of the [[w:Laws of war|laws of war]], a rebel soldier shall be executed; and for every one enslaved by the enemy or sold into slavery, a rebel soldier shall be placed at hard labor on the public works and continued at such labor until the other shall be released and receive the treatment due to a prisoner of war'''
** [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln6/1:755?rgn=div1;view=fulltext Order of Retaliation] (30 July 1863); quoted in Roy P. Basler, ed., ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln, vol. 7'' (New Brunswick, N.J.: Rutgers University Press, 1953), p. 357

*Sir; You are directed to have a transport.. sent to the colored colony of San Domingo to bring back to this country such of the colonists there as desire to return.
**[https://books.google.com/books?id=uEc_cG58dZQC&amp;pg=PA19 Orders to the Secretary of War] (1 February 1864)

* The world has never had a good definition of the word liberty, and the American people, just now, are much in want of one. '''We all declare for liberty; but in using the same ''word'' we do not all mean the same ''thing''.''' With some the word liberty may mean for each man to do as he pleases with himself, and the product of his labor; while with others, the same word may mean for some men to do as they please with other men, and the product of other men's labor. Here are two, not only different, but incompatible things, called by the same name — liberty. And it follows that each of the things is, by the respective parties, called by two different and incompatible names — liberty and tyranny.
** [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/?pid=88871 Address in Baltimore, Maryland] (18 April 1864)

* None are so deeply interested to resist the present rebellion as the working people. Let them beware of prejudice, working division and hostility among themselves. The most notable feature of a disturbance in your city last summer, was the hanging of some working people by other working people. It should never be so. '''The strongest bond of human sympathy, outside of the family relation, should be one uniting all working people, of all nations, and tongues, and kindreds.''' Nor should this lead to a war upon property, or the owners of property. '''Property is the fruit of labor — property is desirable — is a positive good in the world. That some should be rich, shows that others may become rich, and hence is just encouragement to industry and enterprise. Let not him who is houseless pull down the house of another; but let him labor diligently and build one for himself, thus by example assuring that his own shall be safe from violence when built.
** Reply to New York Workingmen's Democratic Republican Association (21 March 1864), ''Collected Works'', Vol. 7, p. 259-260 [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln7/1:566?rgn=div1;singlegenre=All;sort=occur;subview=detail;type=simple;view=fulltext;q1=houseless 1:566]

* I have not permitted myself, gentlemen, to conclude that I am the best man in the country; but I am reminded, in this connection, of a story of an old [[Dutch people|Dutch]] farmer, who remarked to a companion once that '''it was not best to swap horses when crossing streams'''.
** Reply to delegation from the National Union League approving and endorsing &quot;the nominations made by the Union National Convention at Baltimore.&quot; New York Times, Herald, and Tribune (10 June 1864) [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/t/text/text-idx?c=lincoln;rgn=div1;view=text;idno=lincoln7;node=lincoln7%3A852 Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln. Volume 7]
** Variant: I do not allow myself to suppose that either the convention or the League, have concluded to decide that I am either the greatest or the best man in America, but rather they have concluded '''it is not best to swap horses while crossing the river''', and have further concluded that I am not so poor a horse that they might not make a botch of it in trying to swap.
*** To a delegation of the National Union League who congratulated him on his nomination as the Republican candidate for President, June 9, 1864. As given by J. F. Rhodes—Hist. of the U. S. from the Compromise of 1850, Volume IV, p. 370. Same in Nicolay and Hay Lincoln's Complete Works, Volume II, p. 532. Different version in Appleton's Cyclopedia. Raymond—Life and Public Services of Abraham Lincoln, Chapter XVIII, p. 500. (Ed. 1865) says Lincoln quotes an old Dutch farmer, &quot;It was best not to swap horses when crossing a stream&quot;.

* I am a slow walker, but I never walk back.
** Likely spurious quote, UNVERIFIED ATTRIBUTE - Quoted in ''The Lexington Observer &amp; Reporter'' (16 June 1864) 

* '''[[Truth]] is generally the best vindication against [[Defamation|slander]].'''
** Letter to [[w:Edwin Stanton|Edwin Stanton]] (14 July 1864); published in ''Abraham Lincoln: A History'' (1890) by John Hay

* I am much indebted to the good [[Christianity|christian]] people of the country for their constant [[Prayer|prayers]] and consolations; and to no one of them, more than to yourself. '''The purposes of the Almighty are perfect, and must prevail, though we erring mortals may fail to accurately perceive them in advance.''' We hoped for a happy termination of this terrible war long before this; but God knows best, and has ruled otherwise. We shall yet acknowledge His wisdom and our own error therein. Meanwhile we must work earnestly in the best light He gives us, trusting that so working still conduces to the great ends He ordains. Surely He intends some great good to follow this mighty convulsion, which no mortal could make, and no mortal could stay.
** [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln7/1:1171?rgn=div1;view=fulltext Letter to Eliza Gurney] (4 September 1864); quoted in Roy P. Basler, ed., ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln, vol. 7'' (New Brunswick, N.J.: Rutgers University Press, 1953), p. 535

* In regard to this Great Book, I have but to say, it is the best gift God has given to man. All the good the Saviour gave to the world was communicated through this book.
** Words on being presented with a Bible, as reported in the Washington ''Daily Morning Chronicle'' (8 September 1864)

* '''I desire so to conduct the affairs of this administration that if at the end, when I come to lay down the reins of power, I have lost every other friend on earth, I shall at least have one friend left, and that friend shall be down inside of me.'''
** Reply to Missouri Committee of Seventy (30 September 1864)

* When armed rebels come among them their houses and other property are spared while Union men's houses are burned and their property pillaged. Still, we may not be able to specifically prove that the sympathizers protected and supplied the raiders in turn, or designated their Union neighbors for plunder and devastation. Yet we know all this exists, even better than we could know an isolated fact upon the sworn testimony of one or two witnesses; just as we better know there is fire whence we see much smoke rising than we could know it by one or two witnesses swearing to it. '''The witnesses may commit perjury, but the smoke cannot'''.
** Unfinished draft of a letter to J.R. Underwood and Henry Grinder (October 26, 1864), in ''Complete Works of Abraham Lincoln - Volume 10'' (1894), p. 254.

* I earnestly believe that the consequences of this day's work, if it be as you assume, and as now seems probable, will be to the lasting advantage, if not to the very salvation, of the country. I cannot at this hour say what has been the result of the election. But, whatever it may be, I have no desire to modify this opinion: that all who have labored to-day in behalf of the Union have wrought for the best interests of the country and the world; not only for the present, but for all future ages. '''I am thankful to God for this approval of the people; but, while deeply grateful for this mark of their confidence in me, if I know my heart, my gratitude is free from any taint of personal triumph. I do not impugn the motives of any one opposed to me. It is no pleasure to me to triumph over any one, but I give thanks to the Almighty for this evidence of the people's resolution to stand by free government and the rights of humanity.'''
** [http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/3/2/5/3253/3253-h/files/2659/2659-h/2659-h.htm#2H_4_0271 Response to a Serenade, November 9, 1864] (one day after the [[w:United States presidential election, 1864|United States presidential election of 1864]]; in &quot;The Papers And Writings Of Abraham Lincoln, Volume Seven, Constitutional Edition&quot;, edited by Arthur Brooks Lapsley and released as &quot;The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Papers And Writings Of Abraham Lincoln, Volume Seven, by Abraham Lincoln&quot; (2009) by Project Gutenberg

* Dear Madam, I have been shown in the files of the [[w:United States Department of War|War Department]] a statement of the Adjutant-General of Massachusetts, that you are the mother of five sons who have died gloriously on the field of battle. '''I feel how weak and fruitless must be any words of mine which should attempt to beguile you from the grief of a loss so overwhelming. But I cannot refrain from tendering to you the consolation that may be found in the thanks of the Republic they died to save. I pray that our Heavenly Father may assuage the anguish of your bereavement, and leave you only the cherished memory of the loved and lost, and the solemn pride that must be yours, to have laid so costly a sacrifice upon the altar of Freedom.''' Yours, very sincerely and respectfully, Abraham Lincoln
** Letter to Mrs. Bixby in Boston (21 November 1864); some scholars suggest that John Hay, a secretary of President Lincoln's, actually wrote this letter. The Files of the war department were inaccurate: Mrs. Bixby lost two sons.

* '''In a great national crisis''' like ours '''unanimity of action among those seeking a common end is very desirable — almost indispensable. And yet no approach to such unanimity is attainable unless some deference shall be paid to the will of the majority''' simply because it is the will of the majority.
** [http://www.infoplease.com/t/hist/state-of-the-union/76.html Fourth State of the Union Address] (December 6, 1864)

* It is no fault in others that the [[w:Methodism|Methodist Church]] sends more soldiers to the field, more nurses to the hospital, and more prayers to Heaven than any. God bless the Methodist Church — bless all the churches — and blessed be to God, who, in this our great trial, giveth us the churches.
** To the 1864 general conference of the Methodist Episcopal Church, as quoted in ''Abraham Lincoln : A History'' Vol. 6 (1890) by John George Nicolay and John Hay, Ch. 15, p. 324

* Men are not flattered by being shown that there has been a difference of purpose between the Almighty and them.
** Letter to Thurlow Weed (15 March 1865), reproduced in [[w:Godfrey Rathbone Benson, 1st Baron Charnwood|Lord Charnwood]] (1916), ''Abraham Lincoln: A Biography''

* '''I have always thought that all men should be free; but if any should be slaves, it should be first those who desire it for themselves, and secondly, those who desire it for others. When I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.'''
** Statement to an Indiana Regiment passing through Washington (17 March 1865); ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln'' Volume VIII

*Stop, [[w:Duff Green|you]] political tramp. You, the aider and abettor of those who have brought all this ruin upon your country, without the courage to risk your person in defense of the principles you profess to espouse! A fellow who stood by to gather up the loaves and fishes, if any should fall to you! A man who had no principles in the North, and took none South with him! A political hyena who robbed the graves of the dead, and adopted their language as his own! You talk of the North cutting the throats of the Southern people. You have all cut your own throats, and, unfortunately, have cut many of those of the North. Miserable impostor, vile intruder! Go, before I forget myself and the high position I hold! Go, I tell you, and don't desecrate this national vessel another minute!
**To [[w:Duff Green|Duff Green]], [http://www.thelincolnlog.org/Results.aspx?type=CalendarDay&amp;day=1865-04-04&amp;r=L0NhbGVuZGFyWWVhci5hc3B4P3llYXI9MTg2NSZyPUwwTmhiR1Z1WkdGeUxtRnpjSGc9 aboard the USS ''Malvern''] (4 April 1865), as quoted in [https://archive.org/details/incidentsanecdot00portiala ''Incidents and Anecdotes of the Civil War''] (1885), by [[David Dixon Porter]], p. 308

* I propose now closing up by requesting you play a certain piece of music or a tune. I thought &quot;Dixie&quot; one of the best tunes I ever heard... I had heard our adversaries over the way had attempted to appropriate it. I insisted yesterday that we had fairly captured it... I presented the question to the Attorney-General, and he gave his opinion that it is our lawful prize... I ask the Band to give us a good turn upon it.
** At the end of the Civil War, asking that a military band play &quot;[[w:Dixie (song)|Dixie]]&quot; (10 April 1865) as quoted in ''Dan Emmett and the Rise of Early Negro Minstrelsy'' (1962) by Hans Nathan. Variant account: &quot;I have always thought &quot;Dixie&quot; one of the best tunes I have ever heard. Our adversaries over the way attempted to appropriate it, but I insisted yesterday that we fairly captured it... I now request the band to favor me with its performance&quot;.

* Did [[Edwin M. Stanton|Stanton]] say I was a damned fool? Then I dare say I must be one, for Stanton is generally right and he always says what he means.
** As quoted in ''Lincoln; An Account of his Personal Life, Especially of its Springs of Action as Revealed and Deepened by the Ordeal of War'' (1922) by Nathaniel Wright Stephenson.

* When you have got an elephant by the hind leg, and he is trying to run away, it's best to let him run.
** Quoted by [[w:Charles Anderson Dana|Charles A. Dana]] in his book ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=rxpCAAAAIAAJ&amp;pg=PA274&amp;q=elephant 
Recollections of the Civil War]'' (1898)

*In my opinion the [[religion]] that makes men rebel and fight against their government is not the genuine article, nor is the religion the right sort which reconciles them to the idea of [[Slavery|eating their bread in the sweat of other men's faces]]. It is not the kind to get to [[heaven]] on.
**As quoted in [https://archive.org/details/recollectionsab00lamogoog ''Recollections of Abraham Lincoln, 1847-1865''] (1895), by [[w:Ward Hill Lamon|Ward Hill Lamon]], p. 90

*He's the quietest little fellow you ever saw. He makes the least fuss of any man you ever knew. I believe he had been in this room a minute or so before I knew he was here. Grant is the first general I have had. You know how it's been with all the rest. As soon as I put a man in command of the army, they all wanted me to be the general. Now it isn't so with Grant. He hasn't told me what his plans are. I don't know and I don't want to know. I am glad to find a man who can go ahead without me. He doesn't ask impossibilities of me, and he's the first general I've had that didn't.
**About General U.S. Grant, as quoted in [http://www.granthomepage.com/grantgeneral.htm ''The Every-day Life of Abraham Lincoln: A Narrative and Descriptive Biography''], by Francis Fisher Brown, p. 520

==== [[w: Cooper Union speech|Cooper Union speech]] (1860) ====
:&lt;small&gt;[https://archive.is/MOWPe Speech to the Cooper Institute, New York, New York (27 February 1860)] - [[s:Cooper's Union Speech|Full text online at Wikisource]]; similar remarks to many of these were made in later speeches elsewhere. &lt;/small&gt;
&lt;!-- This image is used elsewhere on the page [[File:Scene_at_the_Signing_of_the_Constitution_of_the_United_States.jpg|thumb|I do not mean to say we are bound to follow implicitly in whatever our fathers did. To do so, would be to discard all the lights of current experience — to reject all progress — all improvement. What I do say is, that if we would supplant the opinions and policy of our fathers in any case, we should do so upon evidence so conclusive, and argument so clear, that even their great authority, fairly considered and weighed, cannot stand.]] --&gt;
[[File:Lincoln boyhood memoral5.jpg|thumb|What is conservatism? Is it not adherence to the old and tried, against the new and untried?]]

* '''I do not mean to say we are bound to follow implicitly in whatever our fathers did. To do so, would be to discard all the lights of current experience — to reject all progress — all improvement. What I do say is, that if we would supplant the opinions and policy of our fathers in any case, we should do so upon evidence so conclusive, and argument so clear, that even their great authority, fairly considered and weighed, cannot stand'''; and most surely not in a case whereof we ourselves declare they understood the question better than we.

* Let all who believe that &quot;our fathers, who framed the Government under which we live, understood this question just as well, and even better, than we do now,&quot; speak as they spoke, and act as they acted upon it. This is all Republicans ask — all Republicans desire — in relation to '''slavery. As those fathers marked it, so let it be again marked, as an evil not to be extended''', but to be tolerated and protected only because of and so far as its actual presence among us makes that toleration and protection a necessity. Let all the guarantees those fathers gave it, be, not grudgingly, but fully and fairly, maintained. For this Republicans contend, and with this, so far as I know or believe, they will be content.

* '''You say you are [[conservative]] — eminently conservative — while we are [[revolutionary]], destructive, or something of the sort. What is conservatism? Is it not adherence to the old and tried, against the new and untried?''' We stick to, contend for, the identical old policy on the point in controversy which was adopted by &quot;our fathers who framed the Government under which we live;&quot; while you with one accord reject, and scout, and spit upon that old policy, and insist upon substituting something new. True, you disagree among yourselves as to what that substitute shall be. You are divided on new propositions and plans, but you are unanimous in rejecting and denouncing the old policy of the fathers.

* '''Some of you are for reviving the foreign slave trade; some for a Congressional Slave-Code for the Territories; some for Congress forbidding the Territories to prohibit Slavery within their limits; some for maintaining Slavery in the Territories through the judiciary; some for the &quot;gur-reat pur-rinciple&quot; that &quot;if one man would enslave another, no third man should object,&quot; fantastically called &quot;Popular Sovereignty&quot;; but never a man among you is in favor of federal prohibition of slavery in federal territories, according to the practice of &quot;our fathers who framed the Government under which we live.&quot;''' Not one of all your various plans can show a precedent or an advocate in the century within which our Government originated. Consider, then, whether your claim of conservatism for yourselves, and your charge or destructiveness against us, are based on the most clear and stable foundations.

* '''Human action can be modified to some extent, but human nature cannot be changed. There is a judgment and a feeling against slavery in this nation''', which cast at least a million and a half of votes. You cannot destroy that judgment and feeling — that sentiment — by breaking up the political organization which rallies around it. '''You can scarcely scatter and disperse an army which has been formed into order in the face of your heaviest fire; but if you could, how much would you gain by forcing the sentiment which created it out of the peaceful channel of the ballot-box, into some other channel?'''

* It is exceedingly desirable that all parts of this great Confederacy shall be at peace, and in harmony, one with another. Let us Republicans do our part to have it so. '''Even though much provoked, let us do nothing through passion and ill temper.''' Even though the southern people will not so much as listen to us, let us calmly consider their demands, and yield to [[Democratic Party (United States)|them]] if, in our deliberate view of our duty, we possibly can.

* '''An inspection of the Constitution will show that the right of property in a slave is not &quot;distinctly and expressly affirmed&quot; in it.'''

* '''But you will not abide the election of a Republican president! In that supposed event, you say, you will destroy the Union; and then, you say, the great crime of having destroyed it will be upon us!''' That is cool. '''A highwayman holds a pistol to my ear, and mutters through his teeth, &quot;Stand and deliver, or I shall kill you, and then you will be a murderer!&quot; To be sure, what the robber demanded of me — my money — was my own; and I had a clear right to keep it; but it was no more my own than my vote is my own; and the threat of death to me, to extort my money, and the threat of destruction to the Union, to extort my vote, can scarcely be distinguished in principle.'''

* '''If slavery is right, all words, acts, laws, and constitutions against it, are themselves wrong, and should be silenced, and swept away.'''

* Wrong as we think slavery is, we can yet afford to let it alone where it is, because that much is due to the necessity arising from its actual presence in the nation; but can we, while our votes will prevent it, allow it to spread into the National Territories, and to overrun us here in these Free States? If our sense of duty forbids this, then '''let us stand by our duty, fearlessly and effectively. Let us be diverted by none of those sophistical contrivances wherewith we are so industriously plied and belabored — contrivances such as groping for some middle ground between the right and the wrong, vain as the search for a man who should be neither a living man nor a dead man — such as a policy of &quot;don't care&quot; on a question about which all true men do care — such as Union appeals beseeching true Union men to yield to Disunionists, reversing the divine rule, and calling, not the sinners, but the righteous to repentance — such as invocations to [[George Washington|Washington]], imploring men to unsay what Washington said, and undo what Washington did.'''

* '''Neither let us be slandered from our duty by false accusations against us, nor frightened from it by menaces of destruction to the Government nor of dungeons to ourselves. Let us have faith that right makes might, and in that faith, let us, to the end, dare to do our duty as we understand it.'''

====Speech at Hartford (1860)====
[[File:Uncle Sam's Thanksgiving Dinner (November 1869), by Thomas Nast.jpg|thumb|Every man, black, white or yellow, has a mouth to be fed and two hands with which to feed it, and that bread should be allowed to go to that mouth without controversy.]]
:&lt;small&gt;[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln4/1:2?rgn=div1;view=fulltext Speech at Hartford, Connecticut (5 March 1860), ''Evening Press''&lt;!-- http://archive.org/stream/collectedworksof015582mbp/collectedworksof015582mbp_djvu.txt--&gt;.]&lt;/small&gt;

*'''[[Slavery]] is the great political question of the nation. Though all desire its settlement, it still remains the all-pervading question of the day. It has been so especially for the past six years. It is indeed older than the revolution, rising, subsiding, then rising again, till [[1854|fifty-four]], since which time it has been constantly augmenting'''. Those who occasioned the Lecompton imbroglio now admit that they see no end to it. It had been their cry that the vexed question was just about to be settled, 'the tail of this hideous creature is just going out of sight'. That cry is 'played out', and has ceased.

*Why, when all desire to have this controversy settled, can we not settle it satisfactorily? One reason is, we want it settled in different ways. Each faction has a different plan, they pull different ways, and neither has a decided majority. In my humble opinion, the importance and magnitude of the question is underrated, even by our wisest men. If I be right, the first thing is to get a just estimate of the evil — then we can provide a cure.

*One-sixth, and a little more, of the population of the United States are slaves, looked upon as property, as nothing but property. The cash value of these slaves, at a moderate estimate, is $2,000,000,000. This amount of property value has a vast influence on the minds of its owners, very naturally. The same amount of property would have an equal influence upon us if owned in the north. Human nature is the same, people at the south are the same as those at the north, barring the difference in circumstances. Public opinion is founded, to a great extent, on a property basis. What lessons the value of property is opposed, what enhances its value is favored. Public opinion at the south regards slaves as property and insists upon treating them like other property.

*'''On the other hand, the free states carry on their government on the principle of the equality of men. We think [[slavery]] is morally wrong, and a direct violation of that principle. We all think it wrong. It is clearly proved, I think, by natural theology, apart from revelation. Every man, black, white or yellow, has a mouth to be fed and two hands with which to feed it, and that bread should be allowed to go to that mouth without controversy.'''

*Slavery is wrong in its effect upon white people and free labor; it is the only thing that threatens the Union. It makes what Senator Seward has been much abused for calling an 'irrepressible conflict'. When they get ready to settle it, we hope they will let us know. Public opinion settles every question here, any policy to be permanent must have public opinion at the bottom, something in accordance with the philosophy of the human mind as it is. The property basis will have its weight. The love of property and a consciousness of right or wrong have conflicting places in our organization, which often make a man's course seem crooks, his conduct a riddle.

*Some men would make it a question of indifference, neither right nor wrong, merely a question of dollars and cents, the Almighty has drawn a line across the land, below which it must be cultivated by slave labor, above which by free labor. They would say: 'If the question is between the white man and the negro, I am for the white man; if between the negro and the crocodile, I am for the negro.' There is a strong effort to make this policy of indifference prevail, but it can not be a durable one. A 'don't care' policy won't prevail, for every body does care.

*Is there a Democrat, especially one of the Douglas wing, but will declare that the Declaration of Independence has no application to the negro? It would be safe to offer a moderate premium for such a man. I have asked this question in large audiences where they were in the habit of answering right out, but no one would say otherwise. Not one of them said it five years ago. I never heard it till I heard it from the lips of Judge Douglas. True, some men boldly took the bull by the horns and said the Declaration of Independence was not true! They didn't sneak around the question. I say I heard first from Douglas that the Declaration did not apply to black men. Not a man of them said it till then, they all say it now. This is a long stride towards establishing the policy of indifference, one more such stride, I think, would do it.

*'''The proposition that there is a struggle between the white man and the negro contains a falsehood. There is no struggle.''' If there was, I should be for the white man. '''If two men are adrift at sea on a plank which will bear up but one, the law justifies either in pushing the other off. I never had to struggle to keep a negro from enslaving me, nor did a negro ever have to fight to keep me from enslaving him.''' They say, between the crocodile and the negro they go for the negro. The logical proportion is therefore; as a white man is to a negro, so is a negro to a crocodile; or, as the negro may treat the crocodile, so the white man may treat the negro. The 'don't care' policy leads just as surely to nationalizing slavery as Jeff Davis himself, but the doctrine is more dangerous because more insidious.

*'''If the Republicans, who think slavery is wrong, get possession of the general government, we may not root out the evil at once, but may at least prevent its extension. If I find a venomous snake lying on the open praire, I seize the first stick and kill him at once. But if that snake is in bed with my children, I must be more cautious. I shall, in striking the snake, also strike the children, or arouse the reptile to bite the children. Slavery is the venomous snake in bed with the children. But if the question is whether to kill it on the prairie or put it in bed with other children, I think we'd kill it!'''

*Another illustration. When for the first time I met Mister Clay, the other day in the cars, in front of us sat an old gentleman with an enormous wen upon his neck. Everybody would say the wen was a great evil, and would cause the man's death after a while. But you couldn't cut it out, for he'd bleed to death in a minute. But would you engraft the seeds of that wen on the necks of sound and healthy men? He must endure and be patient, hoping for possible relief. The wen represents slavery on the neck of this country. This only applies to those who think slavery is wrong. Those who think it right would consider the snake a jewel, and the wen an ornament.

*We want those who think slavery wrong to quit voting with those who think it right. They don't treat it as they do other wrongs. They won't oppose it in the free states for it isn't there, nor in the slave states for it is there; don't want it in politics, for it makes agitation; not in the pulpit, for it isn't religion; not in a Tract Society, for it makes a fuss. There is no place for its discussion. Are they quite consistent in this?

*If those democrats really think slavery wrong they will be much pleased when earnest men in the slave states take up a plan of gradual emancipation and go to work energetically and very kindly to get rid of the evil. Now let us test them. Frank Blair tried it; and he ran for Congress in '58, and got beaten. Did the democracy feel bad about it? I reckon not, I guess you all flung up your hats and shouted 'Hurrah for the Democracy!'

*He went on to speak of the manner in which slavery was treated by the Constitution. The word 'slave' is no where used; the supply of slaves was to be prohibited after 1808; they stopped the spread of it in the territories; seven of the states abolished it. He argued very conclusively that it was then regarded as an evil which would eventually be got rid of, and that they desired, once rid of it, to have nothing in the constitution to remind them of it. The Republicans go back to first principles and deal with it as a wrong. Mason, of [[Virginia|Va.]], said openly that the framers of our government were anti-slavery. Hammond of [[South Carolina|S.C.]], said 'Washington set this evil example'. Bully Brooks said: 'At the time the Constitution was formed, no one supposed slavery would last till now'. We stick to the policy of our fathers.

*[[Democratic Party (United States)|The Democracy]] are given to 'bushwhacking'. After having their errors and mis-statements continually thrust in their faces, they pay no heed, but go on howling about Seward and the 'irrepressible conflict'. That is 'bushwhacking'. So with John Brown and Harper's Ferry. They charge it upon the Republican party and ignominiously fail in all attempts to substantiate the charge. Yet they go on with their bushwhacking, the pack in full cry after John Brown.

*The democrats had just been whipped in Ohio and Pennsylvania, and seized upon the unfortunate Harper's Ferry affair to influence other elections then pending. They said to each other, 'Jump in, now's your chance', and were sorry there were not more killed. But they didn't succeed well. Let them go on with their howling. They will succeed when by slandering women you get them to love you, and by slandering men you get them to vote for you.

*Mister Lincoln then took up the [[w:Massachusetts|Massachusetts]] shoemakers' strike, treating it in a humorous and philosophical manner, and exposing to ridicule the foolish pretense of Senator Douglas, that the strike arose from 'this unfortunate sectional warfare'. Mister Lincoln thanked God that we have a system of labor where there can be a strike. Whatever the pressure, there is a point where the workman may stop.

*He didn't pretend to be familiar with the subject of the shoe strike, probably knew as little about it as Senator Douglas himself. This strike has occurred as the Senator says, or it has not. Shall we stop making war upon the South? We never have made war upon them. If any one has, better go and hang himself and save Virginia the trouble. If you give up your convictions and call slavery right as they do, you let slavery in upon you, instead of white laborers who can strike, you'll soon have black laborers who can't strike.

*I have heard that in consequence of this 'sectional warfare', as Douglas calls it, Senator Mason of Va., had appeared in a suit of homespun. Now up in New Hampshire, the woolen and cotton mills are all busy, and there is no strike. They are busy making the very goods Senator Mason has quit buying! To carry out his idea, he ought to go barefoot! If that's the plan, they should begin at the foundation, and adopt the well-known 'Georgia costume' of a shirt-collar and pair of spurs!

*It reminded him of the man who had a poor old lean, bony, spavined horse, with swelled legs. He was asked what he was going to do with such a miserable beast, the poor creature would die. 'Do?' said he. 'I'm going to fat him up; don't you see that I have got him seal fat as high as the knees?' Well, they've got the Union dissolved up to the ankle, but no farther!

*All portions of [[United States|this confederacy]] should act in harmony and with careful deliberation. [[Democratic Party (United States)|The Democrats]] cry [[John Brown (abolitionist)|John Brown]] invasion. We are guiltless of it, but our denial does not satisfy [[Democratic Party (United States)|them]]. Nothing will satisfy [[Democratic Party (United States)|them]] but disinfecting the atmosphere entirely of all opposition to [[slavery]]. [[Democratic Party (United States)|They]] have not demanded of us to yield the guards of liberty in our state constitutions, but it will naturally come to that after a while. If we give up to [[Democratic Party (United States)|them]], we cannot refuse even [[Democratic Party (United States)|their]] utmost request. If [[slavery]] is right, it ought to be extended; if not, it ought to be restricted, there is no middle ground. Wrong as we think it, we can afford to let it alone where it of necessity now exists; but we cannot afford to extend it into free territory and around our own homes. Let us stand against [[Slavery|it]]!

*The 'Union' arrangements are all a humbug. They reverse the scriptural order, calling the righteous and not sinners to repentance. Let us not be slandered or intimidated to turn from our duty. Eternal right makes might. As we understand our duty, let us do it!

==== Allow the humblest man an equal chance (1860) ====
&lt;!-- this stylized image of his death-bed is not appropriate to be placed here in a pre-presidency speech: [[File:Death of Abraham Lincoln.jpg|thumb|No policy that does not rest upon some philosophical public opinion can be permanently maintained.]] --&gt;
[[File:Hon. Abraham Lincoln, born in Kentucky, February 12, 1809 (Boston Public Library).jpg|thumb|I don't believe in a law to prevent a man from getting rich; it would do more harm than good. So while we do not propose any war upon capital, we do wish to allow the humblest man an equal chance to get rich with everybody else. When one starts poor, as most do in the race of life, free society is such that he knows he can better his condition; he knows that there is no fixed condition of labor, for his whole life.]]
[[File:Presidents Buchanan and Lincoln entering the Senate Chamber before the Inauguration (Boston Public Library).jpg|thumb|I want every man to have the chance — and I believe a black man is entitled to it — in which he can better his condition — when he may look forward and hope to be a hired laborer this year and the next, work for himself afterward, and finally to hire men to work for him! That is the true system.]]
[[File:The Inaugural procession at Washington passing the gate of the Capital Grounds (Boston Public Library).jpg|thumb|You say you are conservative — eminently conservative while we are revolutionary, destructive, or something of the sort. What is conservatism? Is it not adherence to the old and tried, against the new and untried?]]
&lt;!-- These images are used elsewhere on the page: [[File:The Inauguration of Abraham Lincoln as President of the United States, at the Capitol, Washington, March 4, 1861 (Boston Public Library).jpg|thumb|Even though much provoked, let us do nothing through passion and ill temper. Even though the Southern people will not so much as listen to us, let us calmly consider their demands, and yield to them if, in our deliberate view of our duty, we possibly can.]] 
[[File:Lincoln Inauguration.jpg|thumb|Their thinking it right, and our thinking it wrong, is the precise fact upon which depends the whole controversy.]]
--&gt;
[[File:Official_medallion_of_the_British_Anti-Slavery_Society_(1795).jpg|thumb|So long as we call Slavery wrong, whenever a slave runs away they will overlook the obvious fact that he ran because he was oppressed, and declare he was stolen off. Whenever a master cuts his slaves with the lash, and they cry out under it, he will overlook the obvious fact that the negroes cry out because they are hurt, and insist that they were put up to it by some rascally abolitionist.]]
&lt;!-- This image used elsewhere on the page [[File:Cicatrices de flagellation sur un esclave.jpg|thumb|Slavery is wrong. If Slavery is right, all words, acts, laws, and Constitutions against it, are themselves wrong, and should be silenced, and swept away.]] --&gt;
[[File:A Lincoln Statue 1.JPG|thumb|Neither let us be slandered from our duty by false accusations against us, nor frightened from it by menaces of destruction to the Government, nor of dungeons to ourselves. Let us have faith that right makes might; and in that faith, let us, to the end, dare to do our duty, as we understand it.]]
[[File:AbrLincoln1860ColeT.jpg|thumb|&lt;!-- &lt;center&gt;Frontispiece from&lt;br /&gt;''The Autobiography of Abraham Lincoln'' (1915)&lt;/center&gt;A {{w|Timothy Cole}} wood engraving from a May 20, 1860 ambrotype of Lincoln, two days following his nomination for President. --&gt;To us it appears natural to think that slaves are human beings; men, not property; that some of the things, at least, stated about men in [[United States Declaration of Independence|the ''Declaration of Independence'']] apply to them as well as to us. I say, we think, most of us, that this Charter of Freedom applies to the slave as well as to ourselves.]]
:&lt;small&gt;[http://www.historyplace.com/lincoln/haven.htm &quot;Allow the humblest man an equal chance&quot;] speech [http://books.google.de/books?id=8bWmmyJEMZoC&amp;pg=PA176&amp;dq=propose (6 March 1860) at New Haven, Connecticut]&lt;/small&gt;

* Fellow citizens of New Haven, if [[Republican Party (United States)|the Republican Party]] of [[United States|this nation]] shall ever have the national house entrusted to its keeping, it will be the duty of that party to attend to all the affairs of national housekeeping. Whatever matters of importance may come up, whatever difficulties may arise in the way of its administration of the government, that party will then have to attend to. It will then be compelled to attend to other questions, besides this question which now assumes an overwhelming importance — the question of Slavery. It is true that in the organization of the Republican party this question of Slavery was more important than any other; indeed, so much more important has it become that no other national question can even get a hearing just at present. The old question of tariff — a matter that will remain one of the chief affairs of national housekeeping to all time — the question of the management of financial affairs; the question of the disposition of the public domain — how shall it be managed for the purpose of getting it well settled, and of making there the homes of a free and happy people — these will remain open and require attention for a great while yet, and these questions will have to be attended to by whatever party has the control of the government. Yet, just now, they cannot even obtain a hearing, and I do not purpose to detain you upon these topics, or what sort of hearing they should have when opportunity shall come.

* '''For, whether we will or not, the question of Slavery is the question, the all absorbing topic of the day. It is true that all of us, and by that I mean, not the Republican party alone, but the whole American people, here and elsewhere, all of us wish this question settled, wish it out of the way. It stands in the way, and prevents the adjustment, and the giving of necessary attention to other questions of national house-keeping.''' The people of the whole nation agree that this question ought to be settled, and yet it is not settled. And the reason is that they are not yet agreed how it shall be settled. All wish it done, but some wish one way and some another, and some a third, or fourth, or fifth; different bodies are pulling in different directions, and none of them having a decided majority, are able to accomplish the common object.

* In the beginning of the year 1854 a new policy was inaugurated with the avowed object and confident promise that it would entirely and forever put an end to the Slavery agitation. It was again and again declared that under this policy, when once successfully established, the country would be forever rid of this whole question. Yet under the operation of that policy this agitation has not only not ceased, but it has been constantly augmented. And this too, although, from the day of its introduction, its friends, who promised that it would wholly end all agitation, constantly insisted, down to the time that the Lecompton bill was introduced, that it was working admirably, and that its inevitable tendency was to remove the question forever from the politics of the country. Can you call to mind any Democratic speech, made after the repeal of the Missouri Compromise, down to the time of the Lecompton bill, in which it was not predicted that the Slavery agitation was just at an end; that &quot;the abolition excitement was played out,&quot; &quot;the Kansas question was dead,&quot; &quot;they have made the most they can out of this question and it is now forever settled.&quot; But since the Lecompton bill no Democrat, within my experience, has ever pretended that he could see the end. That cry has been dropped. They themselves do not pretend, now, that the agitation of this subject has come to an end yet. 

* '''The truth is, that this question is one of national importance, and we cannot help dealing with it: we must do something about it, whether we will or not. We cannot avoid it; the subject is one we cannot avoid considering; we can no more avoid it than a man can live without eating. It is upon us; it attaches to the body politic as much and as closely as the natural wants attach to our natural bodies. Now I think it important that this matter should be taken up in earnest, and really settled. And one way to bring about a true settlement of the question is to understand its true magnitude.'''

* '''Look at the magnitude of this subject!''' One sixth of our population, in round numbers — not quite one sixth, and yet more than a seventh, — about '''one sixth of the whole population of the United States are slaves! The owners of these slaves consider them property. The effect upon the minds of the owners is that of property, and nothing else — it induces them to insist upon all that will favorably affect its value as property, to demand laws and institutions and a public policy that shall increase and secure its value, and make it durable, lasting and universal. The effect on the minds of the owners is to persuade them that there is no wrong in it. The slaveholder does not like to be considered a mean fellow, for holding that species of property, and hence he has to struggle within himself and sets about arguing himself into the belief that Slavery is right. The property influences his mind.''' [...] Certain it is, that this two thousand million of dollars, invested in this species of property, all so concentrated that the mind can grasp it at once — this immense pecuniary interest, has its influence upon their minds.

* To us it appears natural to think that '''slaves are human beings; men, not property'''; that '''some of the things, at least, stated about men in the Declaration of Independence apply to them as well as to us.''' I say, we think, most of us, that '''this Charter of Freedom applies to the slave as well as to ourselves''', that the class of arguments put forward to batter down that idea, are also calculated to break down the very idea of a free government, even for white men, and to undermine the very foundations of free society. '''We think Slavery a great moral wrong, and while we do not claim the right to touch it where it exists, we wish to treat it as a wrong in the Territories, where our votes will reach it. We think that a respect for ourselves, a regard for future generations and for the God that made us, require that we put down this wrong where our votes will properly reach it. We think that species of labor an injury to free white men — in short, we think [[Slavery]] a great moral, social and political evil, tolerable only because, and so far as its actual existence makes it necessary to tolerate it, and that beyond that, it ought to be treated as a wrong.'''

* '''No policy that does not rest upon some philosophical public opinion can be permanently maintained.''' And hence, there are but two policies in regard to Slavery that can be at all maintained. The first, based on the property view that Slavery is right, conforms to that idea throughout, and demands that we shall do everything for it that we ought to do if it were right. We must sweep away all opposition, for opposition to the right is wrong; we must agree that Slavery is right, and we must adopt the idea that property has persuaded the owner to believe — that Slavery is morally right and socially elevating. This gives a philosophical basis for a permanent policy of encouragement. The other policy is one that squares with the idea that Slavery is wrong, and it consists in doing everything that we ought to do if it is wrong. [...] I don't mean that we ought to attack it where it exists. To me it seems that if we were to form a government anew, in view of the actual presence of Slavery we should find it necessary to frame just such a government as our fathers did; giving to the slaveholder the entire control where the system was established, while we possessed the power to restrain it from going outside those limits. From the necessities of the case we should be compelled to form just such a government as our blessed fathers gave us; and, surely, if they have so made it, that adds another reason why we should let Slavery alone where it exists.

* '''If I saw a venomous snake crawling in the road, any man would say I might seize the nearest stick and kill it; but if I found that snake in bed with my children, that would be another question. I might hurt the children more than the snake, and it might bite them. Much more if I found it in bed with my neighbor's children, and I had bound myself by a solemn compact not to meddle with his children under any circumstances, it would become me to let that particular mode of getting rid of the gentleman alone. But if there was a bed newly made up, to which the children were to be taken, and it was proposed to take a batch of young snakes and put them there with them, I take it no man would say there was any question how I ought to decide!''' That is just the case! The new Territories are the newly made bed to which our children are to go, and it lies with the nation to say whether they shall have snakes mixed up with them or not. It does not seem as if there could be much hesitation what our policy should be!

* '''There is a falsehood wrapped up in that statement. &quot;In the struggle between the white man and the negro&quot; assumes that there is a struggle, in which either the white man must enslave the negro or the negro must enslave the white. There is no such struggle! It is merely an ingenious falsehood, to degrade and brutalize the negro. Let each let the other alone, and there is no struggle about it. If it was like two wrecked seamen on a narrow plank, when each must push the other off or drown himself, I would push the negro off or a white man either, but it is not; the plank is large enough for both. This good earth is plenty broad enough for white man and negro both, and there is no need of either pushing the other off.'''

* So that saying, &quot;in the struggle between the negro and the crocodile,&quot; &amp;c., is made up from the idea that down where the crocodile inhabits a white man can't labor; it must be nothing else but crocodile or negro; if the negro does not the crocodile must possess the earth; [Laughter;] in that case he declares for the negro. The meaning of the whole is just this: '''As a white man is to a negro so is a negro to a crocodile; and as the negro may rightfully treat the crocodile, so may the white man rightfully treat the negro. This''' very dear phrase coined by its author, and so dear that he deliberately repeats it in many speeches, '''has a tendency to still further brutalize the negro, and to bring public opinion to the point of utter indifference whether men so brutalized are enslaved or not.'''

* But '''those who say they hate slavery, and are opposed to it, but yet act with the Democratic party''' — where are they? Let us apply a few tests. '''You say that you think slavery is wrong, but you denounce all attempts to restrain it. Is there anything else that you think wrong, that you are not willing to deal with as a wrong? Why are you so careful, so tender of this one wrong and no other?''' You will not let us do a single thing as if it was wrong; there is no place where you will allow it to be even called wrong! We must not call it wrong in the Free States, because it is not there, and we must not call it wrong in the Slave States because it is there; we must not call it wrong in politics because that is bringing morality into politics, and we must not call it wrong in the pulpit because that is bringing politics into religion; we must not bring it into the Tract Society or the other societies, because those are such unsuitable places, and there is no single place, according to you, where this wrong thing can properly be called wrong!

* '''It is easy to demonstrate that &quot;our Fathers, who framed this government under which we live,&quot; looked on Slavery as wrong, and so framed it and everything about it as to square with the idea that it was wrong, so far as the necessities arising from its existence permitted.''' In forming the Constitution they found the slave trade existing; capital invested in it; fields depending upon it for labor, and the whole system resting upon the importation of slave-labor. They therefore did not prohibit the slave trade at once, but they gave the power to prohibit it after twenty years. Why was this? What other foreign trade did they treat in that way? Would they have done this if they had not thought slavery wrong? Another thing was done by some of the same men who framed the Constitution, and afterwards adopted as their own act by the first Congress held under that Constitution, of which many of the framers were members; they prohibited the spread of Slavery into Territories. Thus the same men, '''the framers of the Constitution, cut off the supply and prohibited the spread of Slavery, and both acts show conclusively that they considered that the thing was wrong.''' If additional proof is wanting it can be found in the phraseology of the Constitution. When men are framing a supreme law and chart of government, to secure blessings and prosperity to untold generations yet to come, they use language as short and direct and plain as can be found, to express their meaning. '''In all matters but this of Slavery the framers of the Constitution used the very clearest, shortest, and most direct language. But the Constitution alludes to Slavery three times without mentioning it once! The language used becomes ambiguous, roundabout, and mystical.''' They speak of the &quot;immigration of persons,&quot; and mean the importation of slaves, but do not say so. In establishing a basis of representation they say &quot;all other persons,&quot; when they mean to say slaves — why did they not use the shortest phrase? In providing for the return of fugitives they say &quot;persons held to service or labor.&quot; If they had said slaves it would have been plainer, and less liable to misconstruction. Why didn't they do it. We cannot doubt that it was done on purpose. '''Only one reason is possible''', and that is supplied us by one of the framers of the Constitution — and it is not possible for man to conceive of any other — '''they expected and desired that the system would come to an end, and meant that when it did, the Constitution should not show that there ever had been a slave in this good free country of ours!'''

* One of the reasons why I am opposed to Slavery is just here. What is the true condition of the laborer? I take it that it is best for all to leave each man free to acquire property as fast as he can. Some will get wealthy. '''I don't believe in a law to prevent a man from getting rich; it would do more harm than good. So while we do not propose any war upon capital, we do wish to allow the humblest man an equal chance to get rich with everybody else. When one starts poor, as most do in the race of life, free society is such that he knows he can better his condition; he knows that there is no fixed condition of labor, for his whole life.''' I am not ashamed to confess that twenty five years ago I was a hired laborer, mauling rails, at work on a flat-boat — just what might happen to any poor man's son! '''I want every man to have the chance — and I believe a black man is entitled to it — in which he can better his condition — when he may look forward and hope to be a hired laborer this year and the next, work for himself afterward, and finally to hire men to work for him! That is the true system.'''

* '''You have done nothing, and have protested that you have done nothing, to injure the South. And yet, to get back the shoe trade, you must leave off doing something that you are now doing. What is it? You must stop thinking slavery wrong! Let your institutions be wholly changed; let your State Constitutions be subverted, glorify slavery, and so you will get back the shoe trade — for what? You have brought owned labor with it to compete with your own labor, to underwork you, and to degrade you! Are you ready to get back the trade on those terms?'''

* Let us notice some more of the stale charges against Republicans. '''You say we are sectional. We deny it. That makes an issue; and the burden of proof is upon you. You produce your proof; and what is it? Why, that our party has no existence in your section — gets no votes in your section. The fact is substantially true; but does it prove the issue? If it does, then in case we should, without change of principle, begin to get votes in your section, we should thereby cease to be sectional. You cannot escape this conclusion; and yet, are you willing to abide by it? If you are, you will probably soon find that we have ceased to be sectional, for we shall get votes in your section this very year. The fact that we get no votes in your section is a fact of your making, and not of ours. And if there be fault in that fact, that fault is primarily yours, and remains so until you show that we repel you by some wrong principle or practice. If we do repel you by any wrong principle or practice, the fault is ours; but this brings you to where you ought to have started — to a discussion of the right or wrong of our principle. If our principle, put in practice, would wrong your section for the benefit of ours, or for any other object, then our principle, and we with it, are sectional, and are justly opposed and denounced as such. Meet us, then, on the question of whether our principle, put in practice, would wrong your section; and so meet it as if it were possible that something may be said on our side. Do you accept the challenge? No? Then you really believe that the principle which our fathers who framed the Government under which we live thought so clearly right as to adopt it, and indorse it again and again, upon their official oaths, is, in fact, so clearly wrong as to demand your condemnation without a moment's consideration.'''

* But '''you say you are conservative — eminently conservative while we are revolutionary, destructive, or something of the sort. What is conservatism? Is it not adherence to the old and tried, against the new and untried?''' We stick to, contend for, the identical old policy on the point in controversy which was adopted by our fathers who framed the Government under which we live; while you with one accord reject, and scout, and spit upon that old policy, and insist upon substituting something new. True, you disagree among yourselves as to what that substitute shall be. You have considerable variety of new propositions and plans, but you are unanimous in rejecting and denouncing the old policy of the fathers. Some of you are for reviving the foreign slavetrade; some for a Congressional Slave-Code for the Territories; some for Congress forbidding the Territories to prohibit Slavery within their limits; some for maintaining Slavery in the Territories through the Judiciary; some for the &quot;gur-reat pur-rin-ciple&quot; that &quot;if one man would enslave another, no third man should object,&quot; fantastically called &quot;Popular Sovereignty;&quot; [great laughter,] but never a man among you in favor of Federal prohibition of Slavery in Federal Territories, according to the practice of our fathers who framed the Government under which we live. Not one of all your various plans can show a precedent or an advocate in the century within which our Government originated. And yet you draw yourselves up and say &quot;We are eminently conservative!&quot;

* It is exceedingly desirable that all parts of this great Confederacy shall be at peace, and in harmony, one with another. Let us Republicans do our part to have it so. '''Even though much provoked, let us do nothing through passion and ill temper. Even though the Southern people will not so much as listen to us, let us calmly consider their demands, and yield to them if, in our deliberate view of our duty, we possibly can.''' [...] '''we must not only let them alone, but we must, somehow, convince them that we do let them alone. This, we know by experience is no easy task.''' We have been so trying to convince them from the very beginning of our organization, but with no success. In all our platforms and speeches, we have constantly protested our purpose to let them alone; but this has had no tendency to convince them, Alike unavailing to convince them is the fact that they have never detected a man of us in any attempt to disturb them.

* These natural and apparently adequate means all failing, what will convince them? This, and this only; cease to call slavery wrong, and join them in calling it right. And this must be done thoroughly — done in acts as well as in words. Silence will not be tolerated — we must place ourselves avowedly with them. Douglas's new sedition law must be enacted and enforced, suppressing all declarations that Slavery is wrong, whether made in politics, in presses, in pulpits, or in private. We must arrest and return their fugitive slaves with greedy pleasure. We must pull down our Free State Constitutions. The whole atmosphere must be disinfected of all taint of opposition to Slavery, before they will cease to believe that all their troubles proceed from us. '''So long as we call Slavery wrong, whenever a slave runs away they will overlook the obvious fact that he ran because he was oppressed, and declare he was stolen off. Whenever a master cuts his slaves with the lash, and they cry out under it, he will overlook the obvious fact that the negroes cry out because they are hurt, and insist that they were put up to it by some rascally abolitionist.'''

* '''Slavery is wrong. If Slavery is right, all words, acts, laws, and Constitutions against it, are themselves wrong, and should be silenced, and swept away.''' If it is right, we cannot justly object to its nationality — its universality; if it is wrong they cannot justly insist upon its extension — its enlargement. All they ask, we could readily grant, if we thought Slavery right; all we ask, they could as readily grant, if they thought it wrong. '''Their thinking it right, and our thinking it wrong, is the precise fact upon which depends the whole controversy.''' Thinking it right as they do, they are not to blame for desiring its full recognition, as being right; but, thinking it wrong, as we do, can we yield to them? Can we cast our votes with their view, and against our own? In view of our moral, social, and political responsibilities, can we do this? &lt;br/&gt; Wrong as we think Slavery is, we can yet afford to let it alone where it is, because that much is due to the necessity arising from its actual presence in the nation; but can we, while our votes will prevent it, allow it to spread into the National Territories, and to overrun us here in these Free States? &lt;br/&gt; If our sense of duty forbids this, then '''let us stand by our duty, fearlessly and effectively. Let us be diverted by none of those sophistical contrivances wherewith we are so industriously plied and belabored — contrivances such as groping for middle ground between the right and the wrong, vain as the search for a man who should be neither a living man nor a dead man — such as a policy of &quot;don't care&quot; on a question about which all true men do care — such as Union appeals beseeching true Union men to yield to Disunionists, reversing the divine rule, and calling, not the sinners, but the righteous to repentance — such as invocations of Washington, imploring men to unsay what Washington did.'''

* '''Neither let us be slandered from our duty by false accusations against us, nor frightened from it by menaces of destruction to the Government, nor of dungeons to ourselves. Let us have faith that right makes might; and in that faith, let us, to the end, dare to do our duty, as we understand it.'''

====''A Short Autobiography'' (1860)====
[[File:Abraham_Lincoln_Birthplace_National_Historic_Site.jpg|thumb|200px|Abraham took an early start as a hunter, which was never much improved afterwards. A few days before the completion of his eighth year, in the absence of his father, '''a flock of wild turkeys approached the new log cabin, and Abraham with a rifle-gun standing inside, shot through a crack and killed one of them. He has never since pulled a trigger on any larger game.''']] &lt;!-- June 1860 --&gt;
:&lt;small&gt;''A Short Autobiography, Written in June 1860, at the Request of a Friend to use in preparing a Popular Campaign Biography at the Election of that Year'', from ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=ISg9AAAAYAAJ The Autobiography of Abraham Lincoln]'' (1905) by Abraham Lincoln&lt;/small&gt;

* From this place he removed to what is now [[w:Spencer County, Indiana|Spencer County, Indiana]], in the autumn of 1816. Abraham then being in his eighth year. ...though very young, was large for his age, and '''had an ax put into his hands at once; and from that till within his twenty-third year he was almost constantly handling that most useful instrument — less, of course, in plowing and harvesting seasons.'''&lt;!--pp.7-8--&gt;

* Abraham took an early start as a hunter, which was never much improved afterwards. A few days before the completion of his eighth year, in the absence of his father, '''a flock of wild turkeys approached the new log cabin, and Abraham with a rifle-gun standing inside, shot through a crack and killed one of them. He has never since pulled a trigger on any larger game.'''&lt;!--p.8--&gt;

* Abraham now thinks that '''the aggregate of all his schooling did not amount to one year.''' He was never in a college or academy as a student, and never inside of a college or academy building till since he had a law license. What he has in the way of education he has picked up. After he was twenty-three and had separated from his father, he studied English grammar — imperfectly of course, but so as to speak and write as well as he now does. '''He studied and nearly mastered the six books of [[Euclid’s Elements|Euclid]] since he was a member of Congress. He regrets his want of education, and does what he can to supply the want. In his tenth year he was kicked by a horse, and apparently killed for a time.'''&lt;!--pp. 9-10--&gt;

* March 1, 1830, Abraham having just completed his twenty-first year, his father and family, with the families of the two daughters and sons-in-law of his stepmother, left the old homestead in Indiana and came to Illinois. ...'''Here they built a log cabin, into which they removed, and made sufficient of rails to fence ten acres of ground, fenced and broke the ground, and raised a crop of sown corn upon it the same year. These are, or are supposed to be, the rails about which so much is being said just now, though these are far from being the first or only rails ever made by Abraham.'''&lt;!--pp. 11-12--&gt;

* The {{w|Black Hawk war}} of 1832 broke out. Abraham joined a volunteer company, and, to his own surprise, was elected captain of it. He says he has not since had any success in life which gave him so much satisfaction. He went to the campaign, served near three months, met the ordinary hardships of such an expedition, but was in no battle. He now owns, in Iowa, the land upon which his own warrants for the service were located. Returning from the campaign, and '''encouraged by his great popularity among his immediate neighbors, he the same year ran for the legislature, and was beaten''' — his own precinct, however, casting its votes 277 for and 7 against him... '''This was the only time Abraham was ever beaten on a direct vote of the people.'''&lt;!--pp.16-17--&gt;

* A man offered to sell, and did sell, to Abraham and another as poor as himself, an old stock of goods, upon credit. '''They opened as merchants; and he says that was ''the'' store. Of course they did nothing but get deeper and deeper in debt.''' He was appointed postmaster at New Salem — the office being too insignificant to make his politics an objection. '''The store winked out.''' The surveyor of Sangamon offered to depute to Abraham that portion of his work which was within his part of the County. He accepted, procured a compass and chain, studied [https://books.google.com/books?id=iakIAAAAIAAJ Flint]&lt;!--Abel Flint, ''A System of Geometry and Trigonometry''--&gt; and [https://books.google.com/books?id=SIERLtc5aAYC Gibson]&lt;!--Robert Gibson, ''A Treatise of Practical Surveying''--&gt; a little, and went at it. This procured bread, and kept soul and body together. '''The election of 1834 came, and he was then elected to the [[w:Illinois House of Representatives|legislature]] by the highest vote cast for any candidate. Major {{w|John T. Stuart}},''' then in full practice of the law, was also elected. During the canvass, in a private conversation, he '''encouraged Abraham to study law.'''&lt;!--pp.18-19--&gt;

* '''After the election he borrowed books of Stuart, took them home with him, and went at it in good earnest.''' He studied with nobody. He still mixed in the surveying to pay board and clothing bills. When the legislature met, the law-books were dropped, but were taken up again at the end of the session. He was reëlected in 1836, 1838, and 1840. In the autumn of 1836 he obtained a law license, and '''on April 15, 1837, removed to Springfield, and commenced the practice — his old friend Stuart taking him into partnership.'''&lt;!--p.19--&gt;

* '''In 1846 he was elected to the lower House of Congress, and served one term only''', commencing in December, 1847, and ending with the inauguration of [[Zachary Taylor|General Taylor]], in March, 1849. '''All the battles of the [[Mexican–American War|Mexican war]] had been fought before Mr. Lincoln took his seat in Congress but the American army was still in [[Mexico]], and the [[w:Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo|treaty of peace]] was not fully and formally ratified''' till the June afterwards. ...'''he voted for all the supply measures''' that came up, '''and for all the measures in any way favorable to the officers, soldiers, and their families''', who conducted the war through: with the exception that some of these measures passed without yeas and nays, leaving no record as to how particular men voted. '''The &quot;Journal&quot; and &quot;[[w:Congressional Record|Globe]]&quot; also show him voting that the war was unnecessarily and unconstitutionally begun by the [[James K. Polk|President]] of the United States.'''&lt;!--pp.22-23--&gt;

* '''Mr. Lincoln's reasons for the opinion expressed by this vote were briefly that [[James K. Polk|the President]] had sent General Taylor into an inhabited part of the country belonging to Mexico, and not to the United States, and thereby had provoked the first act of hostility''', in fact the commencement of the war; that the place, being the country bordering on the east bank of the [[w:Rio Grande|Rio Grande]], was inhabited by native [[Mexicans]] born there under the [[w:Government of Mexico|Mexican Government]], and had never submitted to, nor been conquered by, Texas or the United States, nor transferred to either by treaty; that although Texas claimed the Rio Grande as her boundary, Mexico had never recognized it, and neither Texas nor the United States had ever enforced it; that there was a broad desert between that and the country over which Texas had actual control; that the country where hostilities commenced, having once belonged to Mexico, must remain so until it was somehow legally transferred, which had never been done.&lt;br /&gt;Mr. Lincoln thought the act of sending an armed force among the [[Mexicans]] was unnecessary, inasmuch as Mexico was in no way molesting or menacing the United States or the people thereof; '''and that it was unconstitutional, because the power of levying war is vested in Congress, and not in the President.''' He thought the principal motive for the act was to divert public attention from the surrender of &quot;[[w:Fifty-four, forty, or fight|Fifty-four, forty, or fight]]&quot; to Great Britain, on the [[w:Oregon boundary dispute|Oregon boundary question]].&lt;!--pp.24-26--&gt;

* In 1848, during his term in Congress, he advocated [[Zachary Taylor|General Taylor]]'s nomination for the presidency, in opposition to all others, and also took an active part for his election after his nomination...&lt;!--p.26--&gt;

* Upon his return from Congress he went to the practice of the law with greater earnestness than ever before. ...In 1854 his profession had almost superseded the thought of politics in his mind, when '''the repeal of the {{w|Missouri Compromise}} aroused him as he had never been before.'''&lt;br /&gt;In the autumn of that year '''he took the stump with no broader practical aim or object than to secure, if possible, the reëlection of Hon. [[w:Richard Yates (politician, born 1815)|Richard Yates]] to Congress.''' His speeches at once attracted a more marked attention than they had ever before done. ...&lt;br /&gt;In the canvass of 1856 Mr. Lincoln made over fifty speeches, no one of which, so far as he remembers, was put in print. One of them was made at [[w:Galena, Illinois|Galena]], but Mr. Lincoln has no recollection of any part of it being printed... '''he thinks he could not have expressed himself as represented.'''&lt;!--pp.27-29--&gt;

====Letter to Alexander H. Stephens (1860)====
:&lt;small&gt;[http://civilwarcauses.org/aleck.htm Letter to Alexander H. Stephens (22 December 1860), Springfield, Illinois.]&lt;/small&gt;
*Do the people of the [[Southern United States|South]] really entertain fears that a Republican administration would, directly or indirectly, interfere with their slaves, or with them, about their slaves? If they do, I wish to assure you, as once a friend, and still, I hope, not an enemy, that there is no cause for such fears.

*The South would be in no more danger in this respect than it was in the days of Washington. I suppose, however, this does not meet the case. '''You think slavery is right and should be extended; while we think slavery is wrong and ought to be restricted. That I suppose is the rub. It certainly is the only substantial difference between us.'''

==== Illinois Farewell Address (1861) ====
[[File:Lincoln protecting Potawatomi.jpg|thumb| … I bid you an affectionate farewell.]]
:&lt;small&gt; Delivered at [[w:Springfield, Illinois|Springfield, Illinois]], on February 11, 1861, before embarking on his [[w:Abraham Lincoln 1861 presidential inauguration|inaugural journey to Washington]]. [https://web.archive.org/web/20160326225729/http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln4/1:306?rgn=div1;view=fulltext A Version of the Farewell Address] as provided by Roy P. Basler, ed., The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln, vol. 4 (New Brunswick, N.J.: Rutgers University Press, 1953), p. 190. For the Original Manuscript of Farewell Address as provided by Library of Congress see [http://www.loc.gov/exhibits/treasures/trm059.html here]. &lt;/small&gt;

* My friends — No one, not in my situation, can appreciate my feeling of sadness at this parting. To this place, and the kindness of these people, I owe every thing. Here I have lived a quarter of a century, and have passed from a young to an old man. Here my children have been born, and one is buried. '''I now leave, not knowing when, or whether ever, I may return, with a task before me greater than that which rested upon Washington. Without the assistance of that Divine Being, who ever attended him, I cannot succeed. With that assistance I cannot fail. Trusting in Him, who can go with me, and remain with you and be every where for good, let us confidently hope that all will yet be well. To His care commending you, as I hope in your prayers you will commend me, I bid you an affectionate farewell.'''
====Speech to Germans at Cincinnati, Ohio (1861)====
[[File:First United States Labor Day Parade, September 5, 1882 in New York City.jpg|thumb|The value of life is to improve one's condition. Whatever is calculated to advance the condition of the honest, struggling laboring man, so far as my judgment will enable me to judge of a correct thing, I am for that thing.]]
:&lt;small&gt;[https://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln4/1:319.1?rgn=div2;view=fulltext Speech to Germans at Cincinnati, Ohio] (12 February 1861)&lt;/small&gt;
=====''Commercial'' version=====
*[W]orking men are the basis of all governments, for the plain reason that they are the most numerous, and as you added that those were the sentiments of the gentlemen present, representing not only the working class, but citizens of other callings than those of the mechanic, I am happy to concur with you in these sentiments, not only of the native born citizens, but also of the Germans and foreigners from other countries.

*'''[W]hile man exists, it is his duty to improve not only his own condition, but to assist in ameliorating mankind; and therefore, without entering upon the details of the question, I will simply say, that I am for those means which will give the greatest good to the greatest number.'''

*[I]n so far as the Government lands can be disposed of, I am in favor of cutting up the wild lands into parcels, so that every poor man may have a home.

*In regard to the Germans and foreigners, I esteem them no better than other people, nor any worse. It is not my nature, '''when I see a people borne down by the weight of their shackles-the oppression of tyranny-to make their life more bitter by heaping upon them greater burdens; but rather would I do all in my power to raise the yoke, than to add anything that would tend to crush them.'''

*Inasmuch as our country is extensive and new, and the countries of Europe are densely populated, if there are any abroad who desire to make this the land of their adoption, it is not in my heart to throw aught in their way, to prevent them from coming to the United States.

=====''Gazette'' version=====
*[W]orking men are the basis of all governments. That remark is due to them more than to any other class, for the reason that there are more of them than of any other class. And as your address is presented to me not only on behalf of workingmen, but especially of Germans, I may say a word as to classes. '''I hold the value of life is to improve one's condition. Whatever is calculated to advance the condition of the honest, struggling laboring man, so far as my judgment will enable me to judge of a correct thing. I am for that thing.'''

*[T]he wild lands of the country should be distributed so that every man should have the means and opportunity of benefitting his condition.

*In regard to '''Germans and foreigners''', I esteem foreigners no better than other people, nor any worse. '''They are all of the great family of men, and if there is one shackle upon any of them, it would be far better to lift the load from them than to pile additional loads upon them.''' And inasmuch as the continent of America is comparatively a new country, and the other countries of the world are old countries, there is more room here, comparatively speaking, than there is there; and if they can better their condition by leaving their old homes, there is nothing in my heart to forbid them coming; and I bid them all God speed.

====Speech in Independence Hall (1861)====
:&lt;small&gt;[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln4/1:376?rgn=div1;view=fulltext Speech in Independence Hall, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania] (22 February 1861); quoted in Roy P. Basler, ed., ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln, vol. 4'' (New Brunswick, N.J.: Rutgers University Press, 1953), p. 204.&lt;/small&gt;

*I am filled with deep emotion at finding myself standing here, in this place, where were collected together the [[wisdom]], the [[patriotism]], the devotion to principle, from which sprang the institutions under which we live. You have kindly suggested to me that in my hands is the task of restoring peace to the present distracted condition of the country. I can say in return, Sir, that '''all the political sentiments I entertain have been drawn, so far as I have been able to draw them, from the sentiments which originated and were given to the world from this hall'''.

* '''I have never had a feeling politically that did not spring from the sentiments embodied in the Declaration of Independence.''' I have often pondered over the dangers which were incurred by the men who assembled here and adopted that [[United States Declaration of Independence|Declaration of Independence]]; I have pondered over the toils that were endured by the officers and soldiers of the army, who achieved that Independence. '''I have often inquired of myself, what great principle or idea it was that kept this Confederacy so long together. It was''' not the mere matter of the separation of the colonies from the mother land; but '''something in [[United States Declaration of Independence|that Declaration]] giving liberty, not alone to the people of this country, but hope to the world for all future time. It was that which gave promise that in due time the weights should be lifted from the shoulders of all men, and that ''all'' should have an equal chance. This is the sentiment embodied in that ''Declaration of Independence''.'''

*'''Now, my friends, can this country be saved upon that basis? If it can, I will consider myself one of the happiest men in the world if I can help to save it. If it can't be saved upon that principle, it will be truly awful. But, if this country cannot be saved without giving up [[Equality|that principle]]. I was about to say I would rather be assassinated on this spot than to surrender it'''.
**Some historians have opined that the assassination quip was in response to an assassination threat Lincoln had been notified about earlier.

*Now, in my view of the present aspect of affairs, '''there is no need of bloodshed and war. There is no necessity for it. I am not in favor of such a course, and I may say in advance, there will be no blood shed unless it be forced' upon the Government. The Government will not use force unless force is used against it'''. 

*My friends, this is a wholly unprepared speech. I did not expect to be called upon to say a word when I came here. I supposed I was merely to do something towards raising a flag. I may, therefore, have said something indiscreet, but I have said nothing but what I am willing to live by, and, in the pleasure of Almighty God, die by.

==== [[w:Lincoln's first inaugural address|First Inaugural Address]] (1861) ====
[[File:The Inauguration of Abraham Lincoln as President of the United States, at the Capitol, Washington, March 4, 1861 (Boston Public Library).jpg|thumb|A majority held in restraint by constitutional checks and limitations … is the only true sovereign of a free people.]]
[[File:Steamship Star of the West, with reinforcements for Major Anderson, approaching Fort Sumter.jpg|thumb|In your hands, my dissatisfied countrymen, and not in mine is the momentous issue of civil war. The government will not assail you. You can have no conflict without yourselves being the aggressors.]]
[[File:US presidential seal 1850.png|thumb|The Chief Magistrate derives all his authority from the people … His duty is to administer the present Government as it came to his hands and to transmit it unimpaired by him to his successor.]]
[[File:1860 Abraham Lincoln O-40.png|thumb|We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection.]]
[[File:Abraham lincoln inauguration 1861.jpg|thumb| The mystic chords of memory... will yet swell the chorus of the Union when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.]]
:&lt;small&gt; [[s:Abraham Lincoln's First Inaugural Address|First Inaugural Address (4 March 1861)]] &lt;/small&gt;

* I do but [[Abraham Lincoln#Lincoln–Douglas_debates_(1858)|quote from one of those speeches when I declare that &quot;I have no purpose, directly or indirectly, to interfere with the institution of slavery in the States where it exists. I believe I have no lawful right to do so, and I have no inclination to do so.&quot;]] Those who nominated and elected me did so with full knowledge that I had made this, and many similar declarations, and had never recanted them.
** Lincoln is quoting himself from first Debate with [[Stephen Douglas]] in the [http://www.bartleby.com/251/ Lincoln-Douglas debates] of the 1858 campaign for the U.S. Senate, at Ottawa, Illinois (21 August 1858).

* In doing this there needs to be no bloodshed or violence; and there shall be none, unless it be forced upon the national authority. The power confided to me will be used to hold, occupy, and possess the property and places belonging to the government, and to collect the duties and imposts; but beyond what may be necessary for these objects, there will be no invasion — no using of force against, or among the people anywhere.

* '''If by the mere force of numbers a majority should deprive a minority of any clearly written constitutional right, it might, in a moral point of view, justify revolution — certainly would if such a right were a vital one.''' But such is not our case. All the vital rights of minorities and of individuals are so plainly assured to them by affirmations and negations, guarantees and prohibitions, in the Constitution, that controversies never arise concerning them. But no organic law can ever be framed with a provision specifically applicable to every question which may occur in practical administration. No foresight can anticipate, nor any document of reasonable length contain, express provisions for all possible questions.

* Plainly, the central idea of secession is the essence of anarchy. '''A majority held in restraint by constitutional checks and limitations, and always changing easily with deliberate changes of popular opinions and sentiments, is the only true sovereign of a free people.''' Whoever rejects it does, of necessity, fly to anarchy or to despotism. Unanimity is impossible; the rule of a minority, as a permanent arrangement, is wholly inadmissible; so that, rejecting the majority principle, anarchy or despotism in some form is all that is left.

* I do not forget the position, assumed by some, that constitutional questions are to be decided by the Supreme Court; nor do I deny that such decisions must be binding, in any case, upon the parties to a suit, as to the object of that suit, while they are also entitled to very high respect and consideration in all parallel cases by all other departments of the government. And while it is obviously possible that such decision may be erroneous in any given case, still the evil effect following it, being limited to that particular case, with the chance that it may be overruled and never become a precedent for other cases, can better be borne than could the evils of a different practice. At the same time, '''the candid citizen must confess that if the policy of the government, upon vital questions affecting the whole people, is to be irrevocably fixed by decisions of the Supreme Court, the instant they are made, in ordinary litigation between parties in personal actions, the people will have ceased to be their own rulers, having to that extent practically resigned their government into the hands of that eminent tribunal.''' Nor is there in this view any assault upon the court or the judges. It is a duty from which they may not shrink to decide cases properly brought before them, and it is no fault of theirs if others seek to turn their decisions to political purposes.

*'''One section of our country believes slavery is right and ought to be extended, while the other believes it is wrong and ought not to be extended. This is the only substantial dispute.''' The fugitive-slave clause of the Constitution and the law for the suppression of the foreign slave trade are each as well enforced, perhaps, as any law can ever be in a community where the moral sense of the people imperfectly supports the law itself. The great body of the people abide by the dry legal obligation in both cases, and a few break over in each. This I think, can not be perfectly cured, and it would be worse in both cases after the separation of the sections than before. The foreign slave trade, now imperfectly suppressed, would be ultimately revived without restriction in one section, while fugitive slaves, now only partially surrendered, would not be surrendered at all by the other. '''Physically speaking, we can not separate. We can not remove our respective sections from each other nor build an impassable wall between them. A husband and wife may be divorced and go out of the presence and beyond the reach of each other, but the different parts of our country can not do this. They can not but remain face to face, and intercourse, either amicable or hostile, must continue between them, Is it possible, then, to make that intercourse more advantageous or more satisfactory after separation than before? Can aliens make treaties easier than friends can make laws? Can treaties be more faithfully enforced between aliens than laws can among friends? Suppose you go to war, you can not fight always; and when, after much loss on both sides and no gain on either, you cease fighting, the identical old questions, as to terms of intercourse, are again upon you.'''

* '''This country, with its institutions, belongs to the people who inhabit it. Whenever they shall grow weary of the existing Government, they can exercise their constitutional right of amending it or their revolutionary right to dismember or overthrow it.'''

* '''[[w:President of the United States of America|The Chief Magistrate]] derives all his authority from the people''', and they have referred none upon him to fix terms for the separation of the States. The people themselves can do this if also they choose, but the Executive as such has nothing to do with it. '''His duty is to administer the present Government as it came to his hands and to transmit it unimpaired by him to his successor.'''

* '''Why should there not be a patient confidence in the ultimate justice of the people? Is there any better or equal hope in the world?'''

* '''While the people retain their virtue and vigilance, no administration, by any extreme of wickedness or folly, can very seriously injure the government in the short space of four years.'''

* My countrymen, one and all, '''think calmly and well upon this whole subject. Nothing valuable can be lost by taking time.''' If there be an object to hurry any of you in hot haste to a step which you would never take deliberately, that object will be frustrated by taking time; but no good object can be frustrated by it.

* Intelligence, patriotism, Christianity, and a firm reliance on Him, who has never yet forsaken this favored land, are still competent to adjust, in the best way, all our present difficulty.

* In your hands, my dissatisfied fellow-countrymen, and not in mine, is the momentous issue of civil war. The government will not assail you. You can have no conflict without being yourselves the aggressors. You have no oath registered in heaven to destroy the government, while I shall have the most solemn one to &quot;preserve, protect, and defend it&quot;.

* I am loath to close. '''We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory, stretching from every battlefield and patriot grave to every living heart and hearthstone all over this broad land, will yet swell the chorus of the Union when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.'''

==== Fourth of July Address to Congress (1861) ====
:&lt;small&gt;[http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/?pid=69802 Address to Congress (4 July 1861)]&lt;!--http://millercenter.org/president/speeches/detail/3508--&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt;Between [[w:Battle of Fort Sumter|the fall of Fort Sumter on April 13, 1861]], and July of that same year, President Abraham Lincoln took a number of actions without Congressional approval including the [[w:Habeas corpus in the United States#Presidential_suspension_of_habeas_corpus|suspension of Habeas corpus]]. Lincoln did these actions in response to [[w:secession|secession]] by eleven [[w:Southern United States|southern]] [[w:slave state|slave states]] which declared their secession from the United States in response to the [[w:United States presidential election, 1860|election of Abraham Lincoln as President of the United States]] and formed the [[Confederate States of America]]. In his address to Congress, Lincoln asks Congress to validate his actions by authorizing them after the fact. This address also marks Lincoln's first full explanation of the purpose of the [[American Civil War|war]] as &quot;a struggle for maintaining in the world that form and substance of government whose leading object is to elevate the condition of men; to lift artificial weights from all shoulders; to clear the paths of laudable pursuit for all; to afford all an unfettered start and a fair chance in the race of life&quot; and the &quot;successful maintenance [of this government] against a formidable internal attempt to overthrow it.&quot;&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Bombardment of Fort Sumter engraving by unknown artist 1863.jpg|thumb|The assault upon and reduction of Fort Sumter was in no sense a matter of self-defense on the part of the assailants. They well knew that the garrison in the fort could by no possibility commit aggression upon them. They knew, they were expressly notified, that the giving of bread to the few brave and hungry men of the garrison was all which would on that occasion be attempted, unless themselves, by resisting so much, should provoke more...]]
[[File:Government-Vedder-Highsmith-detail-1.jpeg |thumb|Must a government of necessity be too strong for the liberties of its own people, or too weak to maintain its own existence?]]
[[File:Abraham Lincoln by William F. Cogswell, 1869.jpg |thumb|This is essentially a people's contest. On the side of the Union it is a struggle for maintaining in the world that form and substance of government whose leading object is to elevate the condition of men; to lift artificial weights from all shoulders; to clear the paths of laudable pursuit for all; to afford all an unfettered start and a fair chance in the race of life.]]
[[File:Picswiss VD-46-60.jpg|thumb|Ballots are the rightful and peaceful successors of bullets, and that when ballots have fairly and constitutionally decided there can be no successful appeal back to bullets … Such will be a great lesson of peace, teaching men that what they can not take by an election neither can they take it by a war; teaching all the folly of being the beginners of a war.]]

*It is thus seen that '''the [[w:Battle of Fort Sumter|assault upon and reduction of Fort Sumter]] was in no sense a matter of self-defense on the part of the assailants. They well knew that the garrison in the fort could by no possibility commit aggression upon them. They knew-they were expressly notified-that the giving of bread to the few brave and hungry men of the garrison was all which would on that occasion be attempted, unless themselves, by resisting so much, should provoke more'''. They knew that this Government desired to keep the garrison in the fort, not to assail them, but merely to maintain visible possession, and thus to preserve the Union from actual and immediate dissolution, trusting, as hereinbefore stated, to time, discussion, and the ballot box for final adjustment; and they assailed and reduced the fort for precisely the reverse object — to drive out the visible authority of the Federal Union, and thus force it to immediate dissolution. That this was their object the Executive well understood; and having said to them in the inaugural address, &quot;You can have no conflict without being yourselves the aggressors,&quot; he took pains not only to keep this declaration good, but also to keep the case so free from the power of ingenious sophistry as that the world should not be able to misunderstand it. By the affair at Fort Sumter, with its surrounding circumstances, that point was reached. Then and thereby the assailants of the Government began the conflict of arms, without a gun in sight or in expectancy to return their fire, save only the few in the fort, sent to that harbor years before for their own protection, and still ready to give that protection in whatever was lawful. In this act, discarding all else, they have forced upon the country the distinct issue, &quot;Immediate dissolution or blood.&quot;

* And this issue embraces more than the fate of these United States. It presents to the whole family of man the question whether a [[Constitutions|constitutional]] [[republic]], or '''democracy — a government of the people by the same people''' — can or can not maintain its territorial integrity against its own domestic foes. It presents the question whether discontented individuals, too few in numbers to control administration according to organic law in any case, can always, upon the pretenses made in this case, or on any other pretenses, or arbitrarily without any pretense, break up their government, and thus practically put an end to free government upon the earth. It forces us to ask, Is there in all republics this inherent and fatal weakness? '''Must a government of necessity be too strong for the liberties of its own people, or too weak to maintain its own existence?'''

*It might seem at first thought to be of little difference whether the present movement at the South be called &quot;[[w:Secession in the United States|secession]]&quot; or &quot;[[rebellion]].&quot; The movers, however, well understand the difference. At the beginning they knew they could never raise their treason to any respectable magnitude by any name which implies violation of law. They knew their people possessed as much of moral sense, as much of devotion to law and order, and as much pride in and reverence for the history and Government of their common country as any other civilized and patriotic people. They knew they could make no advancement directly in the teeth of these strong and noble sentiments. Accordingly, they commenced by an insidious debauching of the public mind. They invented an ingenious sophism, which, if conceded, was followed by perfectly logical steps through all the incidents to the complete destruction of the Union. The [[Sophist|sophism]] itself is that any State of the Union may consistently with the National Constitution, and therefore lawfully and peacefully, withdraw from the Union without the consent of the Union or of any other State. The little disguise that the supposed right is to be exercised only for just cause, themselves to be the sole judge of its justice, is too thin to merit any notice. '''With rebellion thus sugar coated they have been drugging the public mind of their section for more than thirty years, and until at length they have brought many good men to a willingness to take up arms against the Government the day after some assemblage of men have enacted the farcical pretense of taking their State out of the Union who could have been brought to no such thing the day before'''.

*This sophism derives much, perhaps the whole, of its currency from the assumption that there is some omnipotent and sacred supremacy pertaining to a State — to each State of our Federal Union. Our States have neither more nor less power than that reserved to them in the Union by the Constitution, no one of them ever having been a State out of the Union. The original ones passed into the Union even before they cast off their British colonial dependence, and the new ones each came into the Union directly from a condition of dependence, excepting Texas; and even Texas, in its temporary independence, was never designated a State. The new ones only took the designation of States on coming into the Union, while that name was first adopted for the old ones in and by the Declaration of Independence. Therein the &quot;United Colonies&quot; were declared to be &quot;free and independent States;&quot; but even then the object plainly was not to declare their independence of one another or of the Union, but directly the contrary, as their mutual pledge and their mutual action before, at the time, and afterwards abundantly show. The express plighting of faith by each and all of the original thirteen in the Articles of Confederation, two years later, that the Union shall be perpetual is most conclusive. Having never been States, either in substance or in name, outside of the Union, whence this magical omnipotence of &quot;State rights,&quot; asserting a claim of power to lawfully destroy the Union itself? Much is said about the &quot;sovereignty&quot; of the States, but the word even is not in the National Constitution, nor, as is believed, in any of the State constitutions. What is a &quot;sovereignty&quot; in the political sense of the term? Would it be far wrong to define it &quot;a political community without a political superior&quot;? Tested by this, no one of our States, except Texas, ever was a sovereignty; and even Texas gave up the character on coming into the Union, by which act she acknowledged the Constitution of the United States and the laws and treaties of the United States made in pursuance of the Constitution to be for her the supreme law of the land. The States have their status in the Union, and they have no other legal status. If they break from this, they can only do so against law and by revolution. The Union, and not themselves separately, procured their independence and their liberty. By conquest or purchase the Union gave each of them whatever of independence and liberty it has. The Union is older than any of the States, and, in fact, it created them as States. Originally some dependent colonies made the Union, and in turn the Union threw off their old dependence for them and made them States, such as they are. Not one of them ever had a State constitution independent of the Union. Of course it is not forgotten that all the new States framed their constitutions before they entered the Union, nevertheless dependent upon and preparatory to coming into the Union.

*Unquestionably the States have the powers and rights reserved to them in and by the National Constitution; but among these surely are not included all conceivable powers, however mischievous or destructive, but at most such only as were known in the world at the time as governmental powers; and certainly a power to destroy the Government itself had never been known as a governmental — as a merely administrative power. This relative matter of national power and State rights, as a principle, is no other than the principle of generality and locality . Whatever concerns the whole should be confided to the whole — to the General Government — while whatever concerns only the State should be left exclusively to the State. This is all there is of original principle about it. Whether the National Constitution in defining boundaries between the two has applied the principle with exact accuracy is not to be questioned. We are all bound by that defining without question.

*What is now combated is the position that secession is consistent with the Constitution — is lawful and peaceful . It is not contended that there is any express law for it, and nothing should ever be implied as law which leads to unjust or absurd consequences. The nation purchased with money the countries out of which several of these States were formed. Is it just that they shall go off without leave and without refunding? The nation paid very large sums (in the aggregate, I believe, nearly a hundred millions) to relieve Florida of the aboriginal tribes. Is it just that she shall now be off without consent or without making any return? The nation is now in debt for money applied to the benefit of these so-called seceding States in common with the rest. Is it just either that creditors shall go unpaid or the remaining States pay the whole? A part of the present national debt was contracted to pay the old debts of Texas. Is it just that she shall leave and pay no part of this herself?

*Again: If one State may secede, so may another; and when all shall have seceded none is left to pay the debts. Is this quite just to creditors? Did we notify them of this sage view of ours when we borrowed their money? If we now recognize this doctrine by allowing the seceders to go in peace, it is difficult to see what we can do if others choose to go or to extort terms upon which they will promise to remain.

*The seceders insist that our Constitution admits of secession. They have assumed to make a national constitution of their own, in which of necessity they have either discarded or retained the right of secession, as they insist it exists in ours. If they have discarded it, they thereby admit that on principle it ought not to be in ours. If they have retained it, by their own construction of ours they show that to be consistent they must secede from one another whenever they shall find it the easiest way of settling their debts or effecting any other selfish or unjust object. '''The principle itself is one of disintegration, and upon which no government can possibly endure'''.

* The whole of the laws which were required to be faithfully executed were being resisted and failing of execution in nearly one-third of the States. Must they be allowed to finally fail of execution, even had it been perfectly clear that by the use of the means necessary to their execution some single law, made in such extreme tenderness of the citizen's liberty that practically it relieves more of the guilty than of the innocent, should to a very limited extent be violated? To state the question more directly, Are all the laws but one to go unexecuted, and the Government itself go to pieces lest that one be violated? Even in such a case, would not the official oath be broken if the Government should be overthrown when it was believed that disregarding the single law would tend to preserve it?

* The provision of the Constitution that &quot;the privilege of the writ of habeas corpus shall not be suspended unless when, in cases of rebellion or invasion, the public safety may require it&quot; is equivalent to a provision — is a provision — that such privilege may be suspended when, in cases of rebellion or invasion, the public safety does require it. It was decided that we have a case of rebellion and that the public safety does require the qualified suspension of the privilege of the writ which was authorized to be made. Now it is insisted that Congress, and not the Executive, is vested with this power; but the Constitution itself is silent as to which or who is to exercise the power; and as the provision was plainly made for a dangerous emergency, it can not be believed the framers of the instrument intended that in every case the danger should run its course until Congress could be called together, the very assembling of which might be prevented, as was intended in this case, by the rebellion.

* The evidence reaching us from the country leaves no doubt that the material for the work is abundant, and that it needs only the hand of legislation to give it legal sanction and the hand of the Executive to give it practical shape and efficiency. '''One of the greatest perplexities of the Government is to avoid receiving troops faster than it can provide for them. In a word, the people will save their Government if the Government itself will do its part only indifferently well.'''

* '''This is essentially a people's contest. On the side of the Union it is a struggle for maintaining in the world that form and substance of government whose leading object is to elevate the condition of men; to lift artificial weights from all shoulders; to clear the paths of laudable pursuit for all; to afford all an unfettered start and a fair chance in the race of life. Yielding to partial and temporary departures, from necessity, this is the leading object of the Government for whose existence we contend.'''

* '''Our popular Government has often been called an experiment. Two points in it our people have already settled — the successful establishing and the successful administering of it. One still remains — its successful maintenance against a formidable internal attempt to overthrow it. It is now for them to demonstrate to the world that those who can fairly carry an election can also suppress a rebellion; that ballots are the rightful and peaceful successors of bullets, and that when ballots have fairly and constitutionally decided there can be no successful appeal back to bullets'''; that there can be no successful appeal except to ballots themselves at succeeding elections. '''Such will be a great lesson of peace, teaching men that what they can not take by an election neither can they take it by a war; teaching all the folly of being the beginners of a war.'''

* Lest there be some uneasiness in the minds of candid men as to what is to be the course of the Government toward the Southern States after the rebellion shall have been suppressed, the Executive deems it proper to say it will be his purpose then, as ever, to be guided by the Constitution and the laws, and that he probably will have no different understanding of the powers and duties of the Federal Government relatively to the rights of the States and the people under the Constitution than that expressed in the inaugural address.

* He desires to preserve the Government, that it may be administered for all as it was administered by the men who made it. Loyal citizens everywhere have the right to claim this of their government, and the government has no right to withhold or neglect it. It is not perceived that in giving it there is any coercion, any conquest, or any subjugation in any just sense of those terms.

* The Constitution provides, and all the States have accepted the provision, that &quot;the United States shall guarantee to every State in this Union a republican form of government.&quot; But if a State may lawfully go out of the Union, having done so it may also discard the republican form of government; so that to prevent its going out is an indispensable means to the end of maintaining the guaranty mentioned; and when an end is lawful and obligatory the indispensable means to it are also lawful and obligatory.

* It was with the deepest regret that the Executive found the duty of employing the war power in defense of the Government forced upon him. He could but perform this duty or surrender the existence of the Government. No compromise by public servants could in this case be a cure; not that compromises are not often proper, but that no popular government can long survive a marked precedent that those who carry an election can only save the government from immediate destruction by giving up the main point upon which the people gave the election. '''The people themselves, and not their servants, can safely reverse their own deliberate decisions.'''

* As a private citizen the Executive could not have consented that these institutions shall perish; much less could he in betrayal of so vast and so sacred a trust as these free people had confided to him. He felt that he had no moral right to shrink, nor even to count the chances of his own life in what might follow. In full view of his great responsibility he has so far done what he has deemed his duty. You will now, according to your own judgment, perform yours. He sincerely hopes that your views and your action may so accord with his as to assure all faithful citizens who have been disturbed in their rights of a certain and speedy restoration to them under the Constitution and the laws. '''And having thus chosen our course, without guile and with pure purpose, let us renew our trust in God and go forward without fear and with manly hearts.'''

==== First State of the Union address (1861) ====
:&lt;small&gt; [[s:Abraham Lincoln's First State of the Union Address|First State of the Union Address]] (3 December 1861)&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Lincoln and McClellan 1862-10-03.jpg |thumb|It has been said that one bad general is better than two good ones, and the saying is true if taken to mean no more than that an army is better directed by a single mind, though inferior, than by two superior ones at variance and cross-purposes with each other. And the same is true in all joint operations wherein those engaged can have none but a common end in view and can differ only as to the choice of means.]]
[[File:Abraham Lincoln, President, U.S - NARA - 530407.tif |thumb|No men living are more worthy to be trusted than those who toil up from poverty.]]

* A nation which endures factious domestic division is exposed to disrespect abroad, and one party, if not both, is sure sooner or later to invoke foreign intervention. Nations thus tempted to interfere are not always able to resist the counsels of seeming expediency and ungenerous ambition, although measures adopted under such influences seldom fail to be unfortunate and injurious to those adopting them.

* The principal lever relied on by the insurgents for exciting foreign nations to hostility against us, as already intimated, is the embarrassment of commerce. Those nations, however, not improbably saw from the first that it was the Union which made as well our foreign as our domestic commerce. They can scarcely have failed to perceive that the effort for disunion produces the existing difficulty, and that '''one strong nation promises more durable peace and a more extensive, valuable, and reliable commerce than''' can '''the same nation broken into hostile fragments.'''

* '''The war continues. In considering the policy to be adopted for suppressing the insurrection I have been anxious and careful that the inevitable conflict for this purpose shall not degenerate into a violent and remorseless revolutionary struggle. I have therefore in every case thought it proper to keep the integrity of the Union prominent as the primary object of the contest on our pan''', leaving all questions which are not of vital military importance to the more deliberate action of the Legislature. In the exercise of my best discretion I have adhered to the blockade of the ports held by the insurgents, instead of putting in force by proclamation the law of Congress enacted .at the late session for closing those ports. So also, obeying the dictates of prudence, as well as the obligations of law, instead of transcending I have adhered to the act of Congress to confiscate property used for insurrectionary purposes. If a new law upon the same subject shall be proposed, its propriety will be duly considered. '''The Union must be preserved, and hence all indispensable means must be employed. We should not be in haste to determine that radical and extreme measures, which may reach the loyal as well as the disloyal, are indispensable.'''

* '''It has been said that one bad general is better than two good ones, and the saying is true if taken to mean no more than that an army is better directed by a single mind, though inferior, than by two superior ones at variance and cross-purposes with each other. And the same is true in all joint operations wherein those engaged can have none but a common end in view and can differ only as to the choice of means.''' In a storm at sea no one on board can wish the ship to sink, and yet not unfrequently all go down together because too many will direct and no single mind can be allowed to control.

* It continues to develop that the insurrection is largely, if not exclusively, a war upon the first principle of popular government — the rights of the people. Conclusive evidence of this is found in the most grave and maturely considered public documents, as well as in the general tone of the insurgents. In those documents we find the abridgment of the existing right of suffrage and the denial to the people of all right to participate in the selection of public officers except the legislative boldly advocated, with labored arguments to prove that large control of the people in government is the source of all political evil. Monarchy itself is sometimes hinted at as a possible refuge from the power of the people. In my present position I could scarcely be justified were I to omit raising a warning voice against this approach of returning despotism.

==== Telegram to George B. McClellan (1862) ====
&lt;small&gt;[https://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln5/1:410?rgn=div1;view=fulltext Online text]&lt;/small&gt;

* After you left, I ascertained that less than twenty thousand unorganized men, without a single field battery, were all you designed to be left for the defence of Washington, and [[w:Manassas Junction|Manassas Junction]]; and part of this even, was to go to Gen. Hooker's old position. Gen. Banks' corps, once designed for Manassas Junction, was diverted, and tied up on the line of [[w:Winchester, Virginia|Winchester]] and [[w:Strausburg, Virginia|Strausburg]], and could not leave it without again exposing the upper [[w:Potomac River|Potomac]], and the [[w:Baltimore and Ohio Railroad|Baltimore and Ohio Railroad]]. This presented, (or would present, when [[w:Irwin McDowell|McDowell]] and Sumner should be gone) a great temptation to the enemy to turn back from the [[w:Rappahanock River|Rappahanock]], and sack Washington. My explicit order that Washington should, by the judgment of all the commanders of Army corps, be left entirely secure, had been neglected. It was precisely this that drove me to detain McDowell.

* I do not forget that I was satisfied with your arrangement to leave Banks at Mannassas Junction; but when that arrangement was broken up, and nothing was substituted for it, of course I was not satisfied. I was constrained to substitute something for it myself. And now allow me to ask &quot;Do you really think I should permit the line from [[w:Richmond, Virginia|Richmond]], via Mannassas Junction, to this city to be entirely open, except what resistance could be presented by less than twenty thousand unorganized troops?&quot; This is a question which the country will not allow me to evade.

* And, once more let me tell you, it is indispensable to you that you strike a blow. I am powerless to help this. &lt;b&gt;You will do me the justice to remember I always insisted, that going down the Bay in search of a field, instead of fighting at or near Mannassas, was only shifting, and not surmounting, a difficulty---that we would find the same enemy, and the same, or equal, intrenchments, at either place. The country will not fail to note---is now noting---that the present hesitation to move upon an intrenched enemy, is but the story of Manassas repeated.&lt;/b&gt;

* &lt;b&gt;I beg to assure you that I have never written you, or spoken to you, in greater kindness of feeling than now, nor with a fuller purpose to sustain you, so far as in my most anxious judgment, I consistently can. But you must act.&lt;/b&gt;

==== Letter to Horace Greeley (1862) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Letter to [[w:Horace Greeley|Horace Greeley]] (22 August 1862) [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/t/text/text-idx?c=lincoln;cc=lincoln;type=simple;rgn=div1;q1=greeley;singlegenre=All;view=text;subview=detail;sort=occur;idno=lincoln5;node=lincoln5%3A848 The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln edited by Roy P. Basler, Volume V, p. 388-389]&lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt;With the Letter Lincoln replied to an Open Editorial in Greeley's New York Tribune in which Greeley wrote &quot;On the face of this wide earth, Mr. President, there is not one... intelligent champion of the Union cause who does not feel... that the rebellion, if crushed tomorrow, would be renewed if slavery were left in full vigor... and that every hour of deference to slavery is an hour of added and deepened peril to the Union.&quot; see [http://faculty.assumption.edu/aas/Manuscripts/greeley.html Horace Greeley, &quot;A Prayer for Twenty Millions,&quot; New York Tribune, August 20, 1862] in &quot;[http://books.google.de/books?id=tA4lXY3W8hkC&amp;pg=PA160&amp;dq=face Dear Mr. Lincoln: Letters to the President]&quot; Edited by Harold Holzer (Southern Illinois University Press; 1st edition (January 20, 2006)), p. 160-161&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:US Great Seal 1877 drawing.png|thumb|My paramount object in [[American Civil War|this struggle]] is to save [[United States|the Union]], and is not either to save or to destroy slavery... I have here stated my purpose according to my view of ''official'' duty, and I intend no modification of my oft-expressed ''personal'' wish that all men everywhere could be free..]]

* I would save the Union. I would save it the shortest way under the Constitution. The sooner the national authority can be restored; the nearer the Union will be ``the Union as it was.´´ If there be those who would not save the Union, unless they could at the same time ''save'' slavery, I do not agree with them. If there be those who would not save the Union unless they could at the same time ''destroy'' slavery, I do not agree with them.

* '''My paramount object in this struggle ''is'' to save the Union, and is ''not'' either to save or to destroy slavery. If I could save the Union without freeing ''any'' slave I would do it, and if I could save it by freeing ''all'' the slaves I would do it; and if I could save it by freeing some and leaving others alone I would also do that.''' What I do about slavery, and the colored race, I do because I believe it helps to save the Union; and what I forbear, I forbear because I do ''not'' believe it would help to save the Union.

* '''I shall do ''less'' whenever I shall believe what I am doing hurts the cause, and I shall do ''more'' whenever I shall believe doing more will help the cause. I shall try to correct errors when shown to be errors; and I shall adopt new views so fast as they shall appear to be true views.

* I have here stated my purpose according to my view of ''official'' duty; and '''I intend no modification of my oft-expressed ''personal'' wish that all men every where could be free.'''''

==== Reply to an Emancipation Memorial (1862) ====
:&lt;small&gt; Reply to an Emancipation Memorial presented by Chicago Christians of All Denominations (13 September 1862), published in ''The Life and Public Services of Abraham Lincoln'' (1865) edited by Henry Jarvis Raymond and Francis Bicknell Carpenter, p. 255 &lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Abraham Lincoln O-60 by Mathew Brady, 1862.jpg |thumb|I must study the plain physical facts of the case, ascertain what is possible, and learn what appears to be wise and right.]]

* The subject presented in the memorial is one upon which I have thought much for weeks past, and I may even say for months. '''I am approached with the most opposite opinions and advice, and that by religious men, who are equally certain that they represent the Divine will. I am sure that either the one or the other class is mistaken in that belief, and perhaps in some respects both.''' I hope it will not be irreverent for me to say that if it is probable that God would reveal his will to others, on a point so connected with my duty, it might be supposed he would reveal it directly to me; for, unless I am more deceived in myself than I often am, it is my earnest desire to know the will of Providence in this matter. And if I can learn what it is I will do it! These are not, however, the days of miracles, and I suppose it will be granted that I am not to expect a direct revelation. '''I must study the plain physical facts of the case, ascertain what is possible, and learn what appears to be wise and right. &lt;br /&gt; The subject is difficult, and good men do not agree.'''

* What good would a proclamation of emancipation from me do, especially as we are now situated? '''I do not want to issue a document that the whole world will see must necessarily be inoperative, like the Pope's bull against the comet!''' Would my word free the slaves, when I cannot even enforce the Constitution in the rebel States? Is there a single court, or magistrate, or individual that would be influenced by it there! And what reason is there to think it would have any greater effect upon the slaves than the late law of Congress, which I approved, and which offers protection and freedom to the slaves of rebel masters who come within our lines? Yet I cannot learn that that law has caused a single slave to come over to us. And suppose they could be induced by a proclamation of freedom from me to throw themselves upon us, what should we do with them? How can we feed and care for such a multitude?

* Now, then, tell me, if you please, what possible result of good would follow the issuing of such a proclamation as you desire? Understand, I raise no objections against it on legal or constitutional grounds; for, as commander — in — chief of the army and navy, in time of war, I suppose I have a right to take any measure which may best subdue the enemy. Nor do I urge objections of a moral nature, in view of possible consequences of insurrection and massacre at the South. I view the matter as a practical war measure, to be decided upon according to the advantages or disadvantages it may offer to the suppression of the rebellion.

* I have not decided against a proclamation of liberty to the slaves, but hold the matter under advisement. And I can assure you that the subject is on my mind, by day and night, more than any other. Whatever shall appear to be God's will I will do. I trust that in the freedom with which I have canvassed your views I have not in any respect injured your feelings.

====Letter to Stanton (1862)====
:per [https://www.aish.com/ci/s/Abraham-Lincoln-and-the-Jews-10-Fascinating-Facts.html AISH] and [https://www.shapell.org/manuscript/abraham-lincoln-appointed-a-hebrew-jewish-appointment/ Shapell], a 4 November 1862] letter to Secretary of War [[Edwin Stanton]] regarding Cheme Moise Levy (an Orthodox Jew)

I believe we have not yet appointed a Hebrew - As Cherie M. Levy, is well vouched, as a capable and faithful man, let him be appointed an Assistant Quarter. [sic] Master, with the rank of Captain.

==== Second State of the Union address (1862) ====
[[File:Abraham Lincoln standing portrait 1863.jpg|thumb| The dogmas of the quiet past are inadequate to the stormy present. The occasion is piled high with difficulty, and we must rise with the occasion. As our case is new, so we must think anew, and act anew.]]
[[File:Andrew Johnson impeachment trial.jpg|thumb|We can not escape history. We of this Congress and this Administration will be remembered in spite of ourselves. No personal significance or insignificance can spare one or another of us. The fiery trial through which we pass will light us down in honor or dishonor to the latest generation.]]
[[File:PinkLincMcC crop.jpg|thumb| In giving freedom to the slave we assure freedom to the free — honorable alike in what we give and what we preserve. We shall nobly save, or meanly lose, the last best, hope of earth.]]
:&lt;small&gt; [[s:Abraham Lincoln's Second State of the Union Address|Second State of the Union Address]] (1 December 1862)&lt;/small&gt;

* A civil war occurring in a country, where foreigners reside and carry on trade under treaty stipulations is necessarily fruitful of complaints of the violation of neutral rights. All such collisions tend to excite misapprehensions, and possibly to produce mutual reclamations between nations which have a common interest in preserving peace and friendship.

* '''A nation may be said to consist of its territory, its people, and its laws. The territory is the only part which is of certain durability.''' [[s:Bible_(King_James)/Ecclesiastes#Chapter_1|&quot;One generation passeth away and another generation cometh, but the earth abideth forever.&quot;]] '''It is of the first importance to duly consider and estimate this ever-enduring part'''.

* '''That portion of the earth's surface which is owned and inhabited by the people of the United States is well adapted to be the home of one national family, and it is not well adapted for two or more. Its vast extent and its variety of climate and productions are of advantage in this age for''' one people, whatever they might have been in former ages. Steam, telegraphs, and intelligence have brought these to be an advantageous combination for '''one united people'''.

* '''Our national strife springs not from our permanent part; not from the land we inhabit: not from our national homestead. There is no possible severing of this but would multiply and not mitigate evils among us. In all its adaptations and aptitudes it demands union and abhors separation. In fact, it would ere long force reunion, however much of blood and treasure the separation might have cost. Our strife pertains to ourselves — to the passing generations of men — and it can without convulsion be hushed forever with the passing of one generation.'''

* '''Without slavery [[American Civil War|the rebellion]] could never have existed; without slavery it could not continue.'''

* In a certain sense the liberation of slaves is the destruction of property — property acquired by descent or by purchase, the same as any other property.

* Certainly it is not so easy to pay something as it is to pay nothing, but it is easier to pay a large sum than it is to pay a larger one. And it is easier to pay any sum when we are able than it is to pay it before we are able.

* '''In times like the present, men should utter nothing for which they would not willingly be responsible through time and in eternity.'''

* As to the second article, I think it would be impracticable to return to bondage the class of persons therein contemplated. Some of them, doubtless, in the property sense belong to loyal owners, and hence provision is made in this article for compensating such. The third article relates to the future of the freed people. It does not oblige, but merely authorizes Congress to aid in colonizing such as may consent. This ought not to be regarded as objectionable on the one hand or on the other, insomuch as it comes to nothing unless by the mutual consent of the people to be deported and the American voters, through their representatives in Congress. '''I can not make it better known than it already is that I strongly favor colonization'''; and yet I wish to say there is an objection urged against free colored persons remaining in the country which is largely imaginary, if not sometimes malicious.

* Labor is like any other commodity in the market — increase the demand for it and you increase the price of it. '''Reduce the supply of black labor by colonizing the black laborer out of the country, and by precisely so much you increase the demand for and wages of white labor.'''

* I do not forget the gravity which should characterize a paper addressed to the Congress of the nation by the Chief Magistrate of the nation, nor do I forget that some of you are my seniors, nor that many of you have more experience than I in the conduct of public affairs. Yet I trust that in view of the great responsibility resting upon me you will perceive no want of respect to yourselves in any undue earnestness I may seem to display. Is it doubted, then, that the plan I propose, if adopted, would shorten the war, and thus lessen its expenditure of money and of blood? Is it doubted that it would restore the national authority and national prosperity and perpetuate both indefinitely? Is it doubted that we here — Congress and Executive can secure its adoption? Will not the good people respond to a united and earnest appeal from us? Can we, can they, by any other means so certainly or so speedily assure these vital objects? '''We can succeed only by concert. It is not &quot;Can any of us imagine better?&quot; but &quot;Can we all do better?&quot;''' Object whatsoever is possible, still the question recurs, &quot;Can we do better?&quot;

* '''The dogmas of the quiet past are inadequate to the stormy present. The occasion is piled high with difficulty, and we must rise with the occasion. As our case is new, so we must think anew and act anew.''' We must disenthrall ourselves, and then we shall save our country.

* Fellow-citizens, '''we can not escape history.''' We of this Congress and this Administration will be remembered in spite of ourselves. '''No personal significance or insignificance can spare one or another of us. The fiery trial through which we pass will light us down in honor or dishonor to the latest generation.'''

* We say we are for the Union. The world will not forget that we say this. We know how to save the Union. The world knows we do know how to save it. '''We''', even we here, '''hold the power and bear the responsibility. In giving freedom to the slave we assure freedom to the free — honorable alike in what we give and what we preserve. We shall nobly save or meanly lose the last best hope of earth. Other means may succeed; this could not fail. The way is plain, peaceful, generous, just — a way which if followed the world will forever applaud and God must forever bless.'''

==== ''{{w|Emancipation Proclamation}}'' (1863) ====
{{Main|Emancipation Proclamation}}
[[File:Emancipation proclamation.jpg|thumb|All persons held as slaves within any State or designated part of a State, the people whereof shall then be in rebellion against the United States, shall be then, thenceforward, and forever free...]]
:&lt;small&gt;The Emancipation Proclamation (1 January 1863) - [[s:The Emancipation Proclamation|Full text online]]&lt;/small&gt;

* Whereas, on the twenty-second day of September, in the year of our Lord one thousand eight hundred and sixty-two, a proclamation was issued by the President of the United States, containing, among other things, the following, to wit: That on the first day of January, in the year of our Lord one thousand eight hundred and sixty-three, '''all persons held as slaves within any State or designated part of a State, the people whereof shall then be in rebellion against the United States, shall be then, thenceforward, and forever free; and the Executive Government of the United States, including the military and naval authority thereof, will recognize and maintain the freedom of such persons, and will do no act or acts to repress such persons, or any of them, in any efforts they may make for their actual freedom.''' That the Executive will, on the first day of January aforesaid, by proclamation, designate the States and parts of States, if any, in which the people thereof, respectively, shall then be in rebellion against the United States; and the fact that any State, or the people thereof, shall on that day be, in good faith, represented in the Congress of the United States by members chosen thereto at elections wherein a majority of the qualified voters of such State shall have participated, shall, in the absence of strong countervailing testimony, be deemed conclusive evidence that such State, and the people thereof, are not then in rebellion against the United States.

* And by virtue of the power, and for the purpose aforesaid, '''I do order and declare that all persons held as slaves within said designated States, and parts of States, are, and henceforward shall be free; and that the Executive government of the United States, including the military and naval authorities thereof, will recognize and maintain the freedom of said persons.''' And I hereby enjoin upon the people so declared to be free to abstain from all violence, unless in necessary self-defence; and I recommend to them that, in all cases when allowed, they labor faithfully for reasonable wages. And I further declare and make known, that such persons of suitable condition, will be received into the armed service of the United States to garrison forts, positions, stations, and other places, and to man vessels of all sorts in said service. '''And upon this act, sincerely believed to be an act of justice, warranted by the Constitution, upon military necessity, I invoke the considerate judgment of mankind, and the gracious favor of Almighty God.'''

==== Letter to James C. Conkling (1863) ====
&lt;!-- Image used elsewhere on this page: [[File:The Inauguration of Abraham Lincoln as President of the United States, at the Capitol, Washington, March 4, 1861 (Boston Public Library).jpg |thumb|I freely acknowledge myself the servant of the people, according to the bond of service — the United States constitution; and that, as such, I am responsible to them.]] --&gt;
[[File:Black soldier in Union Army Sergeant uniform 1864.jpg|thumb|But negroes, like other people, act upon motives. Why should they do any thing for us, if we will do nothing for them? If they stake their lives for us, they must be prompted by the strongest motive — even the promise of freedom. And the promise being made, must be kept.]]
[[File:The Peacemakers 1868.jpg|thumb|Peace does not appear so distant as it did. I hope it will come soon, and come to stay; and so come as to be worth the keeping in all future time.]]
:&lt;small&gt;President Lincoln wrote this letter from August 26, 1863 to his friend James Conkling, and it is read at a rally in Springfield, Illinois, supporting the Union. In this letter, the President vigorously defends his [[s:The Emancipation Proclamation|Emancipation Proclamation]]. ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln, vol. 6'' (New Brunswick, N.J.: Rutgers University Press, 1953), p. 407-410. • [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln6/1:849?rgn=div1;view=fulltext Full text online]&lt;/small&gt;

* There are those who are dissatisfied with me. To such I would say: You desire peace; and you blame me that we do not have it. But how can we attain it? There are but three conceivable ways. First, to suppress the rebellion by force of arms. This, I am trying to do. Are you for it? If you are, so far we are agreed. If you are not for it, a second way is, to give up the Union. I am against this. Are you for it? If you are, you should say so plainly. If you are not for ''force'', nor yet for ''dissolution'', there only remains some imaginable ''compromise''. I do not believe any compromise, embracing the maintenance of the Union, is now possible. All I learn, leads to a directly opposite belief. The strength of the rebellion, is its military — its army. That army dominates all the country, and all the people, within its range. Any offer of terms made by any man or men within that range, in opposition to that army, is simply nothing for the present; because such man or men, have no power whatever to enforce their side of a compromise, if one were made with them.

* A compromise, to be effective, must be made either with those who control the rebel army, or with the people first liberated from the domination of that army, by the success of our own army. Now allow me to assure you, that no word or intimation, from that rebel army, or from any of the men controlling it, in relation to any peace compromise, has ever come to my knowledge or belief. All charges and insinuations to the contrary, are deceptive and groundless. And I promise you, that if any such proposition shall hereafter come, it shall not be rejected, and kept a secret from you. '''I freely acknowledge myself the servant of the people, according to the bond of service — the United States constitution; and that, as such, I am responsible to them.'''

* But, to be plain, you are dissatisfied with me about the negro. Quite likely there is a difference of opinion between you and myself upon that subject. '''I certainly wish that all men could be free''', while I suppose you do not. Yet I have neither adopted, nor proposed any measure, which is not consistent with even your view, provided you are for the Union. I suggested compensated emancipation; to which you replied you wished not to be taxed to buy negroes. But I had not asked you to be taxed to buy negroes, except in such way, as to save you from greater taxation to save the Union exclusively by other means.

* '''You dislike the emancipation proclamation; and, perhaps, would have it retracted. You say it is unconstitutional — I think differently. I think the constitution invests its commander-in-chief, with the law of war, in time of war. The most that can be said, if so much, is, that slaves are property. Is there — has there ever been — any question that by the law of war, property, both of enemies and friends, may be taken when needed? And is it not needed whenever taking it, helps us, or hurts the enemy?''' Armies, the world over, destroy enemies' property when they can not use it; and even destroy their own to keep it from the enemy. Civilized belligerents do all in their power to help themselves, or hurt the enemy, except a few things regarded as barbarous or cruel. Among the exceptions are the massacre of vanquished foes, and non-combatants, male and female.

* '''But the proclamation, as law, either is valid, or is not valid. If it is not valid, it needs no retraction. If it is valid, it can not be retracted, any more than the dead can be brought to life.''' Some of you profess to think its retraction would operate favorably for the Union. Why better after the retraction, than before the issue? There was more than a year and a half of trial to suppress the rebellion before the proclamation issued, the last one hundred days of which passed under an explicit notice that it was coming, unless averted by those in revolt, returning to their allegiance. The war has certainly progressed as favorably for us, since the issue of the proclamation as before. I know as fully as one can know the opinions of others, that some of the commanders of our armies in the field who have given us our most important successes, believe the emancipation policy, and the use of colored troops, constitute the heaviest blow yet dealt to the rebellion; and that, at least one of those important successes, could not have been achieved when it was, but for the aid of black soldiers. Among the commanders holding these views are some who have never had any affinity with what is called abolitionism, or with republican party politics; but who hold them purely as military opinions. I submit these opinions as being entitled to some weight against the objections, often urged, that emancipation, and arming the blacks, are unwise as military measures, and were not adopted, as such, in good faith.

* You say you will not fight to free negroes. Some of them seem willing to fight for you; but, no matter. Fight you, then, exclusively to save the Union. I issued the proclamation on purpose to aid you in saving the Union. Whenever you shall have conquered all resistance to the Union, if I shall urge you to continue fighting, it will be an apt time, then, for you to declare you will not fight to free negroes.

* I thought that in your struggle for the Union, to whatever extent the negroes should cease helping the enemy, to that extent it weakened the enemy in his resistance to you. Do you think differently? I thought that whatever negroes can be got to do as soldiers, leaves just so much less for white soldiers to do, in saving the Union. Does it appear otherwise to you? But '''negroes, like other people, act upon motives. Why should they do any thing for us, if we will do nothing for them? If they stake their lives for us, they must be prompted by the strongest motive — even the promise of freedom. And the promise being made, must be kept.'''

* [[Peace]] does not appear so distant as it did. I hope it will come soon, and come to stay; and so come as to be worth the keeping in all future time. It will then have been proved that, '''among free men, there can be no successful appeal from the ballot to the bullet; and that they who take such appeal are sure to lose their case, and pay the cost.''' And then, '''there will be some black men who can remember that, with silent tongue, and clenched teeth, and steady eye, and well-poised bayonet, they have helped mankind on to this great consummation; while, I fear, there will be some white ones, unable to forget that, with malignant heart, and deceitful speech, they have strove to hinder it.'''

* Still let us not be over-sanguine of a speedy final triumph. Let us be quite sober. Let us diligently apply the means, never doubting that a just God, in his own good time, will give us the rightful result.

==== Thanksgiving Proclamation (1863) ====
[[File:Thanksgiving 1861 croped.jpg|thumb|No human counsel hath devised nor hath any mortal hand worked out these great things. They are the gracious gifts of the Most High God, who, while dealing with us in anger for our sins, hath nevertheless remembered mercy. I do therefore invite my fellow citizens in every part of the United States, and also those who are at sea and those who are sojourning in foreign lands, to set apart and observe the last Thursday of November ... as a day of [[Thanksgiving]].]]
:&lt;small&gt;[http://www.historyplace.com/lincoln/thanks.htm Abraham Lincoln: Proclamation of Thanksgiving (3 October 1863)]&lt;/small&gt;

* '''[[1863|The year that is drawing towards its close]], has been filled with the blessings of fruitful fields and healthful skies.''' To these bounties, which are so constantly enjoyed that we are prone to forget the source from which they come, others have been added, which are of so extraordinary a nature, that they cannot fail to penetrate and soften even the heart which is habitually insensible to the ever watchful providence of Almighty God.

* In the midst of a civil war of unequaled magnitude and severity, which has sometimes seemed to foreign States to invite and to provoke their aggression, peace has been preserved with all nations, order has been maintained, the laws have been respected and obeyed, and harmony has prevailed everywhere except in the theater of military conflict; while that theater has been greatly contracted by the advancing armies and navies of the Union. Needful diversions of wealth and of strength from the fields of peaceful industry to the national defense, have not arrested the plough, the shuttle or the ship; the axe has enlarged the borders of our settlements, and the mines, as well of iron and coal as of the precious metals, have yielded even more abundantly than heretofore. Population has steadily increased, notwithstanding the waste that has been made in the camp, the siege and the battlefield; and the country, rejoicing in the consciousness of augmented strength and vigor, is permitted to expect continuance of years with large increase of freedom. '''No human counsel hath devised nor hath any mortal hand worked out these great things. They are the gracious gifts of the Most High God, who, while dealing with us in anger for our sins, hath nevertheless remembered mercy. It has seemed to me fit and proper that they should be solemnly, reverently and gratefully acknowledged as with one heart and one voice by the whole American People.'''

* '''I do therefore invite my fellow citizens in every part of the United States, and also those who are at sea and those who are sojourning in foreign lands, to set apart and observe the last Thursday of November next, as a day of Thanksgiving and Praise to our beneficent Father who dwelleth in the Heavens.''' And I recommend to them that while offering up the ascriptions justly due to Him for such singular deliverances and blessings, they do also, with humble penitence for our national [[perverseness]] and disobedience, commend to His tender care all those who have become widows, orphans, mourners or sufferers in the lamentable civil strife in which we are unavoidably engaged, and fervently implore the interposition of the Almighty Hand to heal the wounds of the nation and to restore it as soon as may be consistent with the Divine purposes to the full enjoyment of peace, harmony, tranquility and Union.

==== [[w: Gettysburg Address|The Gettysburg Address]] (1863) ====
[[File:Battle of Gettysburg.jpg |thumb|We here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain — that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom — and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth]]
{{Recording|Gettysburg by Britton.ogg}}
:&lt;small&gt;The Gettysburg Address, honoring Union soldiers at the dedication of the [[w:Gettysburg National Cemetery|Soldiers National Cemetery at Gettysburg]] (19 November 1863), based on the signed &quot;Bliss Copy&quot; - [[s:Gettysburg Address|Full text online at Wikisource]] &lt;/small&gt;

* '''Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on [[w:North America|this continent]], a [[United States|new nation]], conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure.''' We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this. '''But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate, we can not consecrate, we can not hallow, this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced.''' It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us — that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion — that '''we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain — that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom — and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.'''

==== Proclamation of Amnesty and Reconstruction (1863) ====
[[File:Lincoln and Johnsond.jpg|thumb|I, Abraham Lincoln, President of the United States, do proclaim, declare, and make known to all persons who have, directly or by implication, participated in the existing rebellion, except as hereinafter excepted, that a full pardon is hereby granted to them and each of them, with restoration of all rights of property, except as to slaves, and in property cases [...]. ]]
[[File:Waud - 1867 - The First Vote.jpg|thumb|I do further proclaim, declare, and make known that any provision which may be adopted by such State government in relation to the freed people of such State, which shall recognize and declare their permanent freedom, provide for their education, and which may yet be consistent, as a temporary arrangement, with their present condition as a laboring, landless, and homeless class, will not be objected to by the national Executive.]]
:&lt;small&gt;[http://www.historyplace.com/lincoln/proc-4.htm The History Place - Abraham Lincoln: Proclamation of Amnesty and Reconstruction (December 8, 1863]&lt;/small&gt;

* '''I, Abraham Lincoln, President of the United States, do proclaim, declare, and make known to all persons who have, directly or by implication, participated in the existing rebellion, except as hereinafter excepted, that a full pardon is hereby granted to them and each of them, with restoration of all rights of property, except as to slaves, and in property cases where rights of third parties shall have intervened, and upon the condition that every such person shall take and subscribe an oath, and thenceforward keep and maintain said oath inviolate; and which oath shall be registered for permanent preservation''', and shall be of the tenor and effect following, to wit:

* &quot;'''I, ……………, do solemnly swear, in presence of Almighty God, that I will henceforth faithfully support, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States, and the union of the States thereunder; and that I will, in like manner, abide by and faithfully support all acts of Congress passed during the existing rebellion with reference to slaves, so long and so far as not repealed, modified or held void by Congress, or by decision of the Supreme Court; and that I will, in like manner, abide by and faithfully support all proclamations of the President made during the existing rebellion having reference to slaves, so long and so far as not modified or declared void by decision of the Supreme Court. So help me God.'''&quot;

* '''The persons excepted from the benefits of the foregoing provisions are all who are, or shall have been, civil or [[Diplomacy|diplomatic officers]] or agents of the so-called [[Confederate States of America|confederate government]]; all who have left judicial stations under the United States to aid the rebellion; all who are, or shall have been, military or naval officers of said so-called confederate government above the rank of colonel in the army, or of lieutenant in the navy; all who left seats in the United States Congress to aid the rebellion; all who resigned commissions in the army or navy of the United States, and afterwards aided the rebellion; and all who have engaged in any way in treating colored persons or white persons, in charge of such, otherwise than lawfully as prisoners of war, and which persons may have been found in the United States service, as soldiers, seamen, or in any other capacity.'''

* And I do further proclaim, declare, and make known, that whenever, in any of the States of [[Arkansas]], [[Texas]], [[w:Louisiana|Louisiana]], [[Mississippi]], [[Tennessee]], [[Alabama]], [[Georgia (U.S. state)|Georgia]], [[Florida]], [[South Carolina]], and [[North Carolina]], a number of persons, not less than one-tenth in number of the votes cast in such State at the Presidential election of the year of our Lord one thousand eight hundred and sixty, each having taken the oath aforesaid and not having since violated it, and being a qualified voter by the election law of the State existing immediately before the so-called act of secession, and excluding all others, shall re-establish a State government which shall be republican, and in no wise contravening said oath, such shall be recognized as the true government of the State, and the State shall receive thereunder the benefits of the constitutional provision which declares that &quot;The United States shall guaranty to every State in this union a republican form of government, and shall protect each of them against invasion; and, on application of the legislature, or the executive, (when the legislature cannot be convened,) against domestic violence.&quot;

* And '''I do further proclaim, declare, and make known that any provision which may be adopted by such State government in relation to the freed people of such State, which shall recognize and declare their permanent freedom, provide for their education, and which may yet be consistent, as a temporary arrangement, with their present condition as a laboring, landless, and homeless class, will not be objected to by the national Executive.''' And it is suggested as not improper, that, in constructing a loyal State government in any State, the name of the State, the boundary, the subdivisions, the constitution, and the general code of laws, as before the rebellion, be maintained, subject only to the modifications made necessary by the conditions hereinbefore stated, and such others, if any, not contravening said conditions, and which may be deemed expedient by those framing the new State government.

* To avoid misunderstanding, it may be proper to say that this proclamation, so far as it relates to State governments, has no reference to States wherein loyal State governments have all the while been maintained. And for the same reason, it may be proper to further say that whether members sent to Congress from any State shall be admitted to seats, constitutionally rests exclusively with the respective Houses, and not to any extent with the Executive. And still further, that this proclamation is intended to present the people of the States wherein the national authority has been suspended, and loyal State governments have been subverted, a mode in and by which the national authority and loyal State governments may be re-established within said States, or in any of them; and, while the mode presented is the best the Executive can suggest with his present impressions, it must not be understood that no other possible mode would be acceptable.

==== &quot;If Slavery Is Not Wrong, Nothing Is Wrong&quot; (1864) ====
[[File:President Lincoln writing the Proclamation of Freedom 18444u.jpg|thumb|If slavery is not wrong, nothing is wrong. I can not remember when I did not so think, and feel.]]
:&lt;small&gt;Letter (4 April 1864) to Albert G. Hodges, editor of the Frankfort, Kentucky, ''Commonwealth'' (recounting their conversation of 26 March 1864). {{cite web|url=http://www.abrahamlincolnonline.org/lincoln/speeches/hodges.htm|title=Abraham Lincoln Online}}; [http://www.loc.gov/exhibits/treasures/trt027.html Manuscript at The Library of Congress]; also in ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln'' edited by Roy P. Basler, Volume VII, p. 281&lt;/small&gt;
:&lt;small&gt;This letter is a summary of a conversation which President Abraham Lincoln had with three Kentuckians: Governor Thomas E. Bramlette, Albert Hodges, and Archibald Dixon. Hodges was the editor of the Frankfort Commonwealth and Dixon served in the U.S. Senate from 1852 to 1855. Bramlette had protested the recruiting of black regiments in Kentucky. The letter offers an excellent glimpse into Lincoln's thinking about his constitutional responsibility and why he changed his inaugural position of non-interference with slavery to one of emancipation. He said, &quot;I claim not to have controlled events, but confess plainly that events have controlled me.&quot; Lincoln closed with a reference to slavery that is reminiscent of his inaugural address of 1865: &quot;If God now wills the removal of a great wrong, and wills also that we of the North as well as you of the South, shall pay fairly for our complicity in that wrong, impartial history will find therein new cause to attest and revere the justice and goodness of God.&quot; • [http://www.abrahamlincolnonline.org/lincoln/speeches/hodges.htm Abraham Lincoln Online - Section Speeches and writings: Letter to Albert G. Hodges]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Lincoln-Warren-1865-03-06.jpeg|thumb|I claim not to have controlled events, but confess plainly that events have controlled me.]]

* '''I am naturally anti-slavery. If slavery is not wrong, nothing is wrong. I can not remember when I did not so think, and feel. And yet I have never understood that the Presidency conferred upon me an unrestricted right to act officially upon this judgment and feeling. It was in the oath I took that I would, to the best of my ability, preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States. I could not take the office without taking the oath. Nor was it my view that I might take an oath to get power, and break the oath in using the power. I understood, too, that in ordinary civil administration this oath even forbade me to practically indulge my primary abstract judgment on the moral question of slavery. I had publicly declared this many times, and in many ways. And I aver that, to this day, I have done no official act in mere deference to my abstract judgment and feeling on slavery.''' I did understand however, that my oath to preserve the constitution to the best of my ability, imposed upon me the duty of preserving, by every indispensable means, that government — that nation — of which that constitution was the organic law.

* '''Was it possible to lose the nation, and yet preserve the constitution? By general law life and limb must be protected; yet often a limb must be amputated to save a life; but a life is never wisely given to save a limb. I felt that measures, otherwise unconstitutional, might become lawful, by becoming indispensable to the preservation of the constitution, through the preservation of the nation.''' Right or wrong, I assumed this ground, and now avow it. '''I could not feel that, to the best of my ability, I had even tried to preserve the constitution, if, to save slavery, or any minor matter, I should permit the wreck of government, country, and Constitution all together.'''

* When, early in the war, Gen. Fremont attempted military emancipation, I forbade it, because I did not then think it an indispensable necessity. When a little later, Gen. Cameron, then Secretary of War, suggested the arming of the blacks, I objected, because I did not yet think it an indispensable necessity. When, still later, Gen. Hunter attempted military emancipation, I again forbade it, because I did not yet think the indispensable necessity had come. When, in March, and May, and July 1862 I made earnest, and successive appeals to the border states to favor compensated emancipation, I believed the indispensable necessity for military emancipation, and arming the blacks would come, unless averted by that measure. They declined the proposition; and I was, in my best judgment, driven to the alternative of either surrendering the Union, and with it, the Constitution, or of laying strong hand upon the colored element. I chose the latter. In choosing it, I hoped for greater gain than loss; but of this, I was not entirely confident. More than a year of trial now shows no loss by it in our foreign relations, none in our home popular sentiment, none in our white military force, — no loss by it any how or any where. On the contrary, it shows a gain of quite a hundred and thirty thousand soldiers, seamen, and laborers. These are palpable facts, about which, as facts, there can be no cavilling. We have the men; and we could not have had them without the measure.

* And now let any Union man who complains of the measure, test himself by writing down in one line that he is for subduing the rebellion by force of arms; and in the next, that he is for taking these hundred and thirty thousand men from the Union side, and placing them where they would be but for the measure he condemns. If he can not face his case so stated, it is only because he can not face the truth.

* In telling this tale I attempt no compliment to my own sagacity. '''I claim not to have controlled events, but confess plainly that events have controlled me.''' Now, at the end of three years struggle the nation's condition is not what either party, or any man devised, or expected. God alone can claim it. Whither it is tending seems plain. '''If God now wills the removal of a great wrong, and wills also that we of the North as well as you of the South, shall pay fairly for our complicity in that wrong, impartial history will find therein new cause to attest and revere the justice and goodness of God.'''

==== [[s:Speeches to Ohio Regiments|Speeches to Ohio Regiments]] (1864) ====
===== Speech to the One Hundred Sixty-fourth Ohio Regiment =====
:&lt;small&gt;Delivered at Washington, D.C., on August 18, 1864&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:9th New York Infantry Regiment charging the Confederate right at Antietam army.mil-2008-09-10-145623.jpg|thumb|I wish it might be more generally and universally understood what the country is now engaged in. We have, as all will agree, a free Government, where [[w:All men are created equal|every man has a right to be equal with every other man]].]]
[[File:The Star-Spangled Banner - Project Gutenberg eText 21566.jpg|thumb|In this [[American Civil War|great struggle]], this [[w:Form of government|form of Government]] and every form of human right is endangered if our enemies succeed. There is more involved in this contest than is realized by everyone.]]
* Soldiers — You are about to return to your homes and your friends, after having, as I learn, performed in camp a comparatively short term of duty in [[American Civil War|this great contest]]. I am greatly obliged to you, and to all who have come forward at the call of their country.

* '''I wish it might be more generally and universally understood what the country is now engaged in. We have, as all will agree, a free Government, where [[w:All men are created equal|every man has a right to be equal with every other man]]. In this [[American Civil War|great struggle]], this [[w:Form of government|form of Government]] and every form of human right is endangered if our enemies succeed. There is more involved in this contest than is realized by every one. There is involved in this struggle the question whether your children and my children shall enjoy the privileges we have enjoyed.'''

* I say this in order to impress upon you, if you are not already so impressed, that '''no small matter should divert us from our great purpose.''' There may be some irregularities in the practical application of our system. '''It is fair that each man shall pay taxes in exact proportion to the value of his property; but if we should wait before collecting a tax to adjust the taxes upon each man in exact proportion with every other man, we should never collect any tax at all.''' There may be mistakes made sometimes; things may be done wrong while the officers of the Government do all they can to prevent mistakes. But I beg of you, as citizens of this great Republic, not to let your minds to carried off from the great work we have before us. '''This struggle is too large for you to be diverted from it by any small matter.'''

* When you return to your homes rise up to the height of a generation of men worthy of a free Government, and we will carry out the great work we have commenced. I return to you my sincere thanks, soldiers, for the honor you have done me this afternoon.

===== Speech to the One Hundred Sixty-sixth Ohio Regiment =====
:&lt;small&gt;Speech to the One Hundred Sixty-sixth Ohio Regiment, Washington, D.C. (22 August 1864)&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:1860s White House.jpg|thumb|I beg you to remember this, not merely for my sake, but for yours. I happen temporarily to occupy this big [[w:White House|White House]]. I am a living witness that any one of your children may look to come here as my father's child has.]]

* I suppose you are going home to see your families and friends. For the service you have done in this great struggle in which we are engaged I present you sincere thanks for myself and the country.

* I almost always feel inclined, when I happen to say anything to soldiers, to impress upon them in a few brief remarks the importance of success in this contest. '''It is not merely for to-day, but for all time to come that we should perpetuate for our children's children this great and free government, which we have enjoyed all our lives. I beg you to remember this, not merely for my sake, but for yours. I happen temporarily to occupy this big [[w:White House|White House]]. I am a living witness that any one of your children may look to come here as [[w:Abraham Lincoln|my father's child]] has.'''

* '''It is in order that each of you may have through this free government''' which we have enjoyed, '''an open field and a fair chance for your industry, enterprise and intelligence; that you may all have equal privileges in the race of life, with all its desirable human aspirations. It is for this the struggle should be maintained''', that we may not lose our birthright — not only for one, but for two or three years. '''The nation is worth fighting for, to secure such an inestimable jewel.'''

===== Speech to One Hundred Forty-eighth Ohio Regiment (1864)=====
:&lt;small&gt;[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln7/1:1155?rgn=div1;view=fulltext Speech to One Hundred Forty-eighth Ohio Regiment], Washington, D.C. (31 August 1864); ''The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln'' (1953) by Roy P. Basler, vol. 7, p. 528-529&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Lincoln taking the oath at his second inauguration.jpg|thumb|Nowhere in the world is presented a government of so much liberty and equality. To the humblest and poorest amongst us...]]

* SOLDIERS OF THE 148TH OHIO: — I am most happy to meet you on this occasion. I understand that it has been your honorable privilege to stand, for a brief period, in the defense of your country, and that now you are on your way to your homes. I congratulate you, and those who are waiting to bid you welcome home from the war; and permit me, in the name of the people, to thank you for the part you have taken in this struggle for the life of the nation. You are soldiers of the Republic, everywhere honored and respected. '''Whenever I appear before a body of soldiers, I feel tempted to talk to them of the nature of the struggle in which we are engaged. I look upon it as an attempt on the one hand to overwhelm and destroy the national existence, while, on our part, we are striving to maintain the government and institutions of our fathers, to enjoy them ourselves, and transmit them to our children and our children's children forever.'''

* To do this the constitutional administration of our government must be sustained, and I beg of you not to allow your minds or your hearts to be diverted from the support of all necessary measures for that purpose, by any miserable picayune arguments addressed to your pockets, or inflammatory appeals made to your passions or your prejudices.

* It is vain and foolish to arraign this man or that for the part he has taken, or has not taken, and to hold the government responsible for his acts. '''In no administration can there be perfect equality of action and uniform satisfaction rendered by all. But this government must be preserved in spite of the acts of any man or set of men.''' It is worthy your every effort. '''Nowhere in the world is presented a government of so much liberty and equality. To the humblest and poorest amongst us are held out the highest privileges and positions. The present moment finds me at the White House, yet there is as good a chance for your children as there was for my father's.'''

* Again I admonish you not to be turned from your stern purpose of defending your beloved country and its free institutions by any arguments urged by ambitious and designing men, but stand fast to the Union and [[Flag of the United States|the old flag]]. Soldiers, I bid you God-speed to your homes.

====Interview with Alexander W. Randall and Joseph T. Mills (1864)====
:&lt;small&gt;[http://quod.lib.umich.edu/l/lincoln/lincoln7/1:1109?rgn=div1;view=fulltext Interview with Alexander W. Randall and Joseph T. Mills (19 August 1864)]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:4th United States Colored Infantry.jpg|thumb|There have been men who have proposed to me to return to slavery the black warriors of Port Hudson and Olustee to their masters to conciliate the south. I should be damned in time and in eternity for so doing. The world shall know that I will keep my faith to friends and enemies, come what will.]]

* '''There have been men who have proposed to me to return to slavery the black warriors of Port Hudson and Olustee to their masters to conciliate the South. I should be damned in time and in eternity for so doing.''' The world shall know that I will keep my faith to friends and enemies, come what will.

*My enemies say I am now carrying on this war for the sole purpose of abolition. It is and will be carried on so long as I am President for the sole purpose of restoring the Union. '''But no human power can subdue this rebellion without using the Emancipation lever as I have done.'''

*'''Freedom has given us the control of 200,000 able bodied men, born and raised on southern soil. It will give us more yet.''' Just so much it has subtracted from the strength of our enemies, and instead of alienating the south from us, there are evidences of a fraternal feeling growing up between our own and rebel soldiers. My enemies condemn my emancipation policy. Let them prove by the history of this war, that we can restore the Union without it.

==== ''On Democratic Government'' (1864) ====
[[File:The Old Flag Never Touched the Ground.jpg|thumb|Gold is good in its place; but living, brave, and patriotic men are better than gold.]]
[[File:Frederick MD B&amp;O Station Lincoln Visit Oct 4 1862.jpg|thumb|May I ask those who have not differed with me to join with me in this same spirit towards those who have?]]
:&lt;small&gt;[http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/3/2/5/3253/3253-h/files/2659/2659-h/2659-h.htm#2H_4_0273 Address to a congratulatory serenade on his reelection (10 November 1864)] which occurred two days after the [[w:United States presidential election, 1864|United States presidential election of 1864]]; in &quot;The Papers And Writings Of Abraham Lincoln, Volume Seven, Constitutional Edition&quot;, edited by Arthur Brooks Lapsley and released as &quot;The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Papers And Writings Of Abraham Lincoln, Volume Seven, by Abraham Lincoln&quot; by Project Gutenberg on July 5, 2009.&lt;/small&gt;

* '''It has long been a grave question whether any government, not too strong for the liberties of its people, can be strong enough to maintain its existence in great emergencies.''' On this point the present rebellion brought our government to a severe test, and a presidential election occurring in regular course during the rebellion, added not a little to the strain.

* '''If the loyal people united were put to the utmost of their strength by the rebellion, must they not fail when divided and partially paralyzed by a political war among themselves? But the election was a necessity. We cannot have free government without elections'''; and if the election could force us to forego or postpone a national election, it might fairly claim to have already conquered and ruined us. '''The strife of the election is but human nature practically applied to the facts of the case. What has occurred in this case must ever recur in similar cases. Human nature will not change. In any future great national trial, compared with the men of this, we will have as weak and as strong, as silly and as wise, as bad and as good. Let us, therefore, study the incidents of this as philosophy to learn wisdom from, and none of them as wrongs to be revenged.'''

*''' But the election, along with its incidental and undesirable strife, has done good, too. It has demonstrated that a people's government can sustain a national election in the midst of a great civil war. Until now, it has not been known to the world that this was a possibility.''' It shows, also, how sound and strong we still are. It shows that even among the candidates of the same party, he who is most devoted to the Union and most opposed to treason can receive most of the people's votes. It shows, also, to the extent yet known, that we have more men now than we had when the war began. '''Gold is good in its place; but living, brave, and patriotic men are better than gold.'''

* '''But the rebellion continues, and, now that the election is over, may not all have a common interest to reunite in a common effort to save our common country?''' For my own part, I have striven and shall strive to avoid placing any obstacle in the way. So long as I have been here, I have not willingly planted a thorn in any man's bosom. While I am duly sensible to the high compliment of a re-election, and duly grateful, as I trust, to Almighty God, for having directed my countrymen to a right conclusion, as I think, for their good, it adds nothing to my satisfaction that any other man may be disappointed by the result.

* '''May I ask those who have not differed with me to join with me in this same spirit towards those who have?''' And now, let me close by asking three hearty cheers for our brave soldiers and seamen, and their gallant and skillful commanders.

==== [[w:Abraham Lincoln's second inaugural address|Second Inaugural Address]] (1865) ====
:&lt;small&gt;[[s:Abraham_Lincoln's_Second_Inaugural_Address|Second Inaugural Address (4 March 1865)]]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Battle of Milliken's Bend.jpg|thumb|Now, at the expiration of four years, during which public declarations have been constantly called forth on every point and phase of the great contest which still absorbs the attention and engrosses the energies of the nation, little that is new could be presented. The progress of our arms, upon which all else chiefly depends, is as well known to the public as to myself; and it is, I trust, reasonably satisfactory and encouraging to all. With high hope for the future, no prediction in regard to it is ventured...]]
[[File:Abraham Lincoln second inaugural address.jpg|thumb|On the occasion corresponding to this four years ago, all thoughts were anxiously directed to an impending civil war. All dreaded it — all sought to avert it. While the inaugural address was being delivered from this place, devoted altogether to saving the Union without war, insurgent agents were in the city seeking to destroy it without war — seeking to dissolve the Union, and divide effects, by negotiation...]]
[[File:Bodies on the battlefield at antietam.jpg|thumb|Both parties deprecated war, but one of them would make war rather than let the nation survive, and the other would accept war rather than let it perish, and the war came...]]
[[File:Lincoln Memorial (north wall interior).jpg|thumb|One-eighth of the whole population were colored slaves, not distributed generally over the Union, but localized in the southern part of it. These slaves constituted a peculiar and powerful interest. All knew that [[Slavery|this interest]] was somehow the cause of [[American Civil War|the war]]. To strengthen, perpetuate, and extend [[Slavery|this interest]] was the object for which the insurgents would rend the Union, even by war...]]
[[File:Seal of the Confederate States of America.svg|thumb|Both read the same Bible, and pray to the same God; and each invokes His aid against the other. It may seem strange that any men should dare to ask a just [[God]]'s assistance in [[Slavery|wringing their bread from the sweat of other men's faces]]; but let us judge not that we be not judged. The prayers of both could not be answered; that of neither has been answered fully...]]
[[File:Drawing of Dead Soldiers on Antietam battlefield.jpg|thumb|Fondly do we hope — fervently do we pray — that this mighty scourge of war may speedily pass away. Yet, if God wills that it continue until all the wealth piled by the bondman's two hundred and fifty years of unrequited toil shall be sunk, and until every drop of blood drawn with the lash shall be paid by another drawn with the sword...]]
[[File:Peace at the End of the Civil War.jpg|thumb|With malice toward none, with charity for all, with firmness in the right as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in, to bind up the nation's wounds...]]

*Fellow countrymen: At this second appearing to take the oath of the presidential office, there is less occasion for an extended address than there was at the first. Then a statement, somewhat in detail, of a course to be pursued, seemed fitting and proper. Now, at the expiration of four years, during which public declarations have been constantly called forth on every point and phase of [[American Civil War|the great contest which still absorbs the attention and engrosses the energies of]] [[United States|the nation]], little that is new could be presented. The progress of our arms, upon which all else chiefly depends, is as well known to the public as to myself; and it is, I trust, reasonably satisfactory and encouraging to all. With high hope for the future, no prediction in regard to it is ventured.

*On the occasion corresponding to this four years ago, all thoughts were anxiously directed to an impending civil war. All dreaded it — all sought to avert it. While the inaugural address was being delivered from this place, devoted altogether to saving the Union without war, insurgent agents were in the city seeking to destroy it without war — seeking to dissolve the Union, and divide effects, by negotiation. '''Both parties deprecated war; but one of them would make war rather than let the nation survive; and the other would accept war rather than let it perish. And the war came.'''

*One-eighth of the whole population were colored slaves, not distributed generally over the Union, but localized in the southern part of it. These '''slaves constituted a peculiar and powerful interest. All knew that [[Slavery|this interest]] was somehow the cause of [[American Civil War|the war]].''' To strengthen, perpetuate, and extend [[Slavery|this interest]] was the object for which the insurgents would rend the Union, even by war; while the government claimed no right to do more than to restrict the territorial enlargement of [[Slavery|it]].

* Neither party expected for the war, the magnitude, or the duration, which it has already attained. Neither anticipated that the ''[[Slavery|cause]]'' of the conflict might cease with, or even before, [[American Civil War|the conflict itself]] should cease. '''Each looked for an easier triumph, and a result less fundamental and astounding. Both read the same Bible, and pray to the same God; and each invokes His aid against the other. It may seem strange that any men should dare to ask a just [[God]]'s assistance in [[Slavery|wringing their bread from the sweat of other men's faces]]; but let us judge not that we be not judged. The prayers of both could not be answered; that of neither has been answered fully.'''
** Lincoln was alluding to [[Jesus]]' words in in Matthew 7:1 &quot;Judge not, that ye be not judged.&quot; (KJV)

* The Almighty has his own purposes. 'Woe unto the world because of offenses! for it must needs be that offenses come; but woe to that man by whom the offense cometh.' If we shall suppose that American [[Slavery]] is one of those offences which, in the providence of God, must needs come, but which, having continued through His appointed time, He now wills to remove, and that He gives to both North and South, [[American Civil War|this terrible war]], as the woe due to those by whom [[Slavery|the offence]] came, shall we discern therein any departure from those divine attributes which the believers in a Living God always ascribe to Him? '''Fondly do we hope — fervently do we pray — that this mighty scourge of war may speedily pass away. Yet, if God wills that it continue until all the wealth piled by the bondman's two hundred and fifty years of unrequited toil shall be sunk, and until every drop of blood drawn with the lash shall be paid by another drawn with the sword, as was said three thousand years ago, so still it must be said, [[s:Bible (King James)/Psalms#19:9|'The judgments of the Lord are true and righteous altogether.']]'''

* '''With malice toward none, with charity for all; with firmness in the right, as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in; to bind up the nation's wounds; to care for him who shall have borne the battle, and for his widow, and his orphan — to do all which may achieve and cherish a just, and a lasting peace, among ourselves, and with all nations.'''

====Tour of Richmond (1865)====
[[File:Promulgation of Manifesto of Emancipation the Peasant. Signakhi, Kakheti. 1864.jpg|thumb|Don't kneel to me, that is not right. You must kneel to God only, and thank him for the liberty you will hereafter enjoy. I am but God's humble instrument; but you may rest assured that as long as I live no one shall put a shackle on your limbs; and you shall have all the rights which God has given to every other free citizen of this republic.]]
[[File:Harriet Tubman Civil War Woodcut.jpg|thumb|God has made you free. Although you have been deprived of your God-given rights by your so-called masters, you are now as free as I am, and if those that claim to be your superiors do not know that you are free, take the sword and bayonet and teach them that you are; for God created all men free, giving to each the same rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.]]
[[File:Empancipation proclomation.jpg|thumb|As long as I live no one shall put a shackle on your limbs; and you shall have all the rights which God has given to every other free citizen of this republic.]]
[[File:Libby Prison, Richmond, 05-1865 - NARA - 533454.tif|thumb|No, leave it as a monument.]]

* '''Don't kneel to me, that is not right. You must kneel to God only, and thank him for the liberty you will hereafter enjoy.''' I am but God's humble instrument; but you may rest assured that '''as long as I live no one shall put a shackle on your limbs; and you shall have all the rights which God has given to every other free citizen of this republic.'''
** After witnessing a man bow down to him. In Richmond, Virginia (April 4, 1865), as quoted in [https://archive.org/download/incidentsanecdot00port/incidentsanecdot00port.pdf ''Incidents and Anecdotes of the Civil War''] (1885), by David Dixon Porter, p. 295

* '''My poor friends, you are free, free as air. You can cast off the name of slave and trample upon it; it will come to you no more. Liberty is your birthright. God gave it to you as He gave it to others, and it is a sin that you have been deprived of it for so many years.''' But you must try to deserve this priceless boon. Let the world see that you merit it, and are able to maintain it by your good works. Don't let your joy carry you into excesses. Learn the laws and obey them; obey God's commandments and thank Him for giving you liberty, for to Him you owe all things. There, now, let me pass on; I have but little time to spare. I want to see the capital, and must return at once to Washington to secure to you that liberty which you seem to prize so highly.
** To a group of freed slaves. In Richmond, Virginia (April 4, 1865), as quoted in [https://archive.org/download/incidentsanecdot00port/incidentsanecdot00port.pdf ''Incidents and Anecdotes of the Civil War''] (1885), by David Dixon Porter, p. 297

* In reference to you, colored people, let me say '''God has made you free.''' Although you have been deprived of your God-given rights by your so-called masters, you are now as free as I am, and if those that claim to be your superiors do not know that you are free, take the sword and bayonet and teach them that you are; for '''God created all men free, giving to each the same rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.'''
** In Richmond, Virginia (April 4, 1865), as quoted in [http://web.archive.org/web/20130517052731/http://mrlincolnandfreedom.org/inside.asp?ID=84&amp;subjectID=3 ''Recollected Words of Abraham Lincoln''] (1996), by Don Edward Fehrenbacher and Virginia Fehrenbacher, editor, p. 257

* No, leave it as a [[monument]].
** In response to talk of demolishing [[w:Libby Prison|Libby Prison]]. In Richmond, Virginia (April 4, 1865), as quoted in [https://archive.org/download/incidentsanecdot00port/incidentsanecdot00port.pdf ''Incidents and Anecdotes of the Civil War''] (1885), by David Dixon Porter, p. 299

* They will never shoulder a musket again in anger, and if [[Ulysses S. Grant|Grant]] is wise, he will leave them their guns to shoot crows with and their horses to plow with. It would do no harm.
** Regarding the treatment of former Confederate soldiers. In Richmond, Virginia (April 4, 1865), as quoted in [https://archive.org/download/incidentsanecdot00port/incidentsanecdot00port.pdf ''Incidents and Anecdotes of the Civil War''] (1885), by David Dixon Porter, p. 312

====Last public address (1865)====
:&lt;small&gt;[https://web.archive.org/web/20140327204307/http://abrahamlincolnonline.org/lincoln/speeches/last.htm Last public address at the White House (11 April 1865)]&lt;/small&gt;

*We meet this evening, not in sorrow, but in gladness of heart. The evacuation of Petersburg and Richmond, and the surrender of the [[w:Army of Northern Virginia|principal insurgent army]], give hope of a righteous and speedy peace whose joyous expression can not be restrained. In the midst of this, however, He from whom all blessings flow, must not be forgotten. A call for a national thanksgiving is being prepared, and will be duly promulgated. Nor must those whose harder part gives us the cause of rejoicing, be overlooked. Their honors must not be parcelled out with others. I myself was near the front, and had the high pleasure of transmitting much of the good news to you; but no part of the honor, for plan or execution, is mine. To General Grant, his skilful officers, and brave men, all belongs. The gallant Navy stood ready, but was not in reach to take active part.

*By these recent successes the re-inauguration of the national authority — reconstruction — which has had a large share of thought from the first, is pressed much more closely upon our attention. It is fraught with great difficulty. Unlike a case of a war between independent nations, there is no authorized organ for us to treat with. No one man has authority to give up the rebellion for any other man. We simply must begin with, and mould from, disorganized and discordant elements. Nor is it a small additional embarrassment that we, the loyal people, differ among ourselves as to the mode, manner, and means of reconstruction.

*As a general rule, I abstain from reading the reports of attacks upon myself, wishing not to be provoked by that to which I can not properly offer an answer. In spite of this precaution, however, it comes to my knowledge that I am much censured for some supposed agency in setting up, and seeking to sustain, the new State government of Louisiana. In this I have done just so much as, and no more than, the public knows. In the Annual Message of Dec. 1863 and accompanying Proclamation, I presented a plan of [[Reconstruction era|re-construction]] (as the phrase goes) which, I promised, if adopted by any State, should be acceptable to, and sustained by, the Executive government of the nation. I distinctly stated that this was not the only plan which might possibly be acceptable; and I also distinctly protested that the Executive claimed no right to say when, or whether members should be admitted to seats in Congress from such States. This plan was, in advance, submitted to the then Cabinet, and distinctly approved by every member of it. One of them suggested that I should then, and in that connection, apply the Emancipation Proclamation to the theretofore excepted parts of Virginia and Louisiana; that I should drop the suggestion about apprenticeship for freed-people, and that I should omit the protest against my own power, in regard to the admission of members to Congress; but even he approved every part and parcel of the plan which has since been employed or touched by the action of Louisiana. The new constitution of Louisiana, declaring emancipation for the whole State, practically applies the Proclamation to the part previously excepted. It does not adopt apprenticeship for freed-people; and it is silent, as it could not well be otherwise, about the admission of members to Congress. So that, as it applies to Louisiana, every member of the Cabinet fully approved the plan. The message went to Congress, and I received many commendations of the plan, written and verbal; and not a single objection to it, from any professed emancipationist, came to my knowledge, until after the news reached Washington that the people of Louisiana had begun to move in accordance with it. From about July 1862, I had corresponded with different persons, supposed to be interested, seeking a reconstruction of a State government for Louisiana. When the message of 1863, with the plan before mentioned, reached [[w:New Orleans|New-Orleans]], General Banks wrote me that he was confident the people, with his military co-operation, would reconstruct, substantially on that plan. I wrote him, and some of them to try it; they tried it, and the result is known. Such only has been my agency in getting up the Louisiana government. As to sustaining it, my promise is out, as before stated. But, as bad promises are better broken than kept, I shall treat this as a bad promise, and break it, whenever I shall be convinced that keeping it is adverse to the public interest. But I have not yet been so convinced.

*I have been shown a letter on this subject, supposed to be an able one, in which the writer expresses regret that my mind has not seemed to be definitely fixed on the question whether the seceding States, so called, are in the Union or out of it. It would perhaps, add astonishment to his regret, were he to learn that since I have found professed Union men endeavoring to make that question, I have purposely forborne any public expression upon it. As appears to me that question has not been, nor yet is, a practically material one, and that any discussion of it, while it thus remains practically immaterial, could have no effect other than the mischievous one of dividing our friends. As yet, whatever it may hereafter become, that question is bad, as the basis of a controversy, and good for nothing at all — a merely pernicious abstraction.

*We all agree that the seceded States, so called, are out of their proper relation with the Union; and that the sole object of the government, civil and military, in regard to those States is to again get them into that proper practical relation. I believe it is not only possible, but in fact, easier to do this, without deciding, or even considering, whether these States have ever been out of the Union, than with it. Finding themselves safely at home, it would be utterly immaterial whether they had ever been abroad. Let us all join in doing the acts necessary to restoring the proper practical relations between these States and the Union; and each forever after, innocently indulge his own opinion whether, in doing the acts, he brought the States from without, into the Union, or only gave them proper assistance, they never having been out of it.

*The amount of constituency, so to speak, on which the new Louisiana government rests, would be more satisfactory to all, if it contained fifty, thirty, or even twenty thousand, instead of only about twelve thousand, as it does. '''It is also unsatisfactory to some that the elective franchise is not given to the colored man. I would myself prefer that it were now conferred on the very intelligent, and on those who serve our cause as soldiers'''. Still the question is not whether the Louisiana government, as it stands, is quite all that is desirable. The question is, &quot;Will it be wiser to take it as it is, and help to improve it; or to reject, and disperse it?&quot; &quot;Can Louisiana be brought into proper practical relation with the Union sooner by sustaining, or by discarding her new State government?&quot;

*Some twelve thousand voters in the heretofore slave-state of Louisiana have sworn allegiance to the Union, assumed to be the rightful political power of the State, held elections, organized a State government, adopted a free-state constitution, giving the benefit of public schools equally to black and white, and empowering the Legislature to confer the elective franchise upon the colored man. Their Legislature has already voted to ratify the constitutional amendment recently passed by Congress, abolishing slavery throughout the nation. These twelve thousand persons are thus fully committed to the Union, and to perpetual freedom in the state — committed to the very things, and nearly all the things the nation wants — and they ask the nations recognition and it's assistance to make good their committal. Now, if we reject, and spurn them, we do our utmost to disorganize and disperse them. We in effect say to the white men &quot;You are worthless, or worse — we will neither help you, nor be helped by you.&quot; To the blacks we say &quot;This cup of liberty which these, your old masters, hold to your lips, we will dash from you, and leave you to the chances of gathering the spilled and scattered contents in some vague and undefined when, where, and how.&quot; If this course, discouraging and paralyzing both white and black, has any tendency to bring Louisiana into proper practical relations with the Union, I have, so far, been unable to perceive it. If, on the contrary, we recognize, and sustain the new government of Louisiana the converse of all this is made true. We encourage the hearts, and nerve the arms of the twelve thousand to adhere to their work, and argue for it, and proselyte for it, and fight for it, and feed it, and grow it, and ripen it to a complete success. The colored man too, in seeing all united for him, is inspired with vigilance, and energy, and daring, to the same end. Grant that he desires the elective franchise, will he not attain it sooner by saving the already advanced steps toward it, than by running backward over them? Concede that the new government of Louisiana is only to what it should be as the egg is to the fowl, we shall sooner have the fowl by hatching the egg than by smashing it? Again, if we reject Louisiana, we also reject one vote in favor of the proposed amendment to the national Constitution. To meet this proposition, it has been argued that no more than three fourths of those States which have not attempted secession are necessary to validly ratify the amendment. I do not commit myself against this, further than to say that such a ratification would be questionable, and sure to be persistently questioned; while a ratification by three-fourths of all the States would be unquestioned and unquestionable.

*I repeat the question, 'Can Louisiana be brought into proper practical relation with the Union sooner by sustaining or by discarding her new State Government?'

*What has been said of Louisiana will apply generally to other States. And yet so great peculiarities pertain to each state, and such important and sudden changes occur in the same state; and withal, so new and unprecedented is the whole case, that no exclusive, and inflexible plan can be safely prescribed as to details and colatterals. Such exclusive, and inflexible plan, would surely become a new entanglement. Important principles may, and must, be inflexible.

*In the present &quot;situation&quot; as the phrase goes, it may be my duty to make some new announcement to the people of the South. I am considering, and shall not fail to act, when satisfied that action will be proper.

== Posthumous attributions ==
:&lt;small&gt;Soon after his death, Lincoln became popular as a &quot;wise man&quot; to whom quotations were often attributed, and attributions without specific contemporary sources should be viewed skeptically. These attributions are arranged chronologically.&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Abraham Lincoln-1864-3a13576v.jpg|thumb| If I were to try to [[read]], much less answer, all the [[attacks]] made on me, this shop might as well be closed for any other [[business]].]]
[[File:American Civil War Chaplain.JPG|thumb|We, on our side, are [[praying]] Him to give us [[victory]], because we believe we are right; but those on the other side pray to Him, look for victory, believing they are right. What must He think of us?]]
[[File:Abraham Lincoln by George Peter Alexander Healy.jpg|thumb|If the [[end]] brings me out all right, what's [[said]] against me won't amount to anything. If the end brings me out wrong, ten [[angels]] swearing I was right would make no difference.]]
[[File:1865 Abraham Lincoln O-103c.jpg|thumb|I want it said of me by those who knew me best that I always plucked a thistle and planted a [[flower]] where I thought a flower would [[grow]].]]
[[File:Abraham Lincoln Brady CDV O-86 January 8, 1864.JPG|thumb|I am not bound to [[win]], but I am bound to be [[true]]. I am not bound to [[succeed]], but I am bound to live up to the [[light]] I have. I must stand with anybody that stands right — stand with him while he is right and part with him when he goes [[wrong]].]]
[[File:Abraham Lincoln seated, Feb 9, 1864.jpg|thumb|As I would not be a [[slave]], so I would not be a master. This expresses my [[idea]] of [[democracy]]. Whatever differs from this, to the extent of the difference, is no democracy.]]
[[File:Thure de Thulstrup - Battle of Shiloh.jpg|thumb|I know there is a [[God]], and that He hates injustice and [[slavery]]. I see the [[storm]] coming, and I know that His [[hand]] is in it. If He has a place and [[work]] for me — and I think He has — I [[believe]] I am ready. I am [[nothing]], but [[truth]] is everything. I know I am right because I know that [[liberty]] is right, for [[Christ]] [[teaches]] it, and Christ is God. I have told them that a house divided against itself cannot stand, and Christ and [[reason]] say the same; and they will find it so...]]
[[File:The Gallant Charge of the Fifty-Fourth Massachusetts Colored Regiment (1863), Currier and Ives.jpg|thumb|Without the [[military]] [[help]] of the black freedman, [[American Civil War|the war against the South]] could not have been won.]]

* Dear Sir: Yours of the tenth received. I am well acquainted with Mr. __, and know his characteristics. First of all, he has a wife and baby; together they ought to be worth $50,000 to any man. Then he has an office, in which there will be a table worth $1.50, and three chairs worth, say, $1. Last of all, there is in one corner a rat-hole which will bear looking into.
** Attributed at an unspecified date when Lincoln was a young lawyer, apparently first reported in the ''Prairie Farmer'' (March 13, 1886), Volume 58, p. 176. The quote, taken as a whole, has been explained to mean that Lincoln was giving a negative character reference, implying that the subject of that reference was not financially stable, and prone to let details slip.

*We, on our side, are praying Him to give us victory, because we believe we are right; but those on the other side pray to Him, look for victory, believing they are right. What must He think of us?
** Attributed in 1861, as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=3WMDAAAAYAAJ&amp;pg=PA124&amp;dq=%22What+must+he+think+of+us%22 ''The Life of Abraham Lincoln: Drawn from Original Sources''] (1900), Volume 3, New York: Lincoln History Society, p. 124

* '''I have been driven many times upon my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had nowhere else to go. My own wisdom and that of all about me seemed insufficient for that day.'''
** Noah Brooks, scribe for the ''Sacramento Union'', writing in the ''Harper’s Weekly'' for July 1865, 3 months after Lincoln had died, reported that the Lincoln once said this, at an unspecified date; as reported in[http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2012/09/08/did-abraham-lincoln-actually-say-that-obama-quote.html &quot;Did Abraham Lincoln Actually Say That Obama Quote?&quot; by James M. Cornelius, ''The Daily Beast'' (9 August 2012)]

* The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is why he made so many of them.
** Conversation with private secretary John Hay (23 December 1863), describing a dream Lincoln had that evening, in ''Abraham Lincoln : A History'' (1890) by John Hay

* Without the military help of the black freedman, [[American Civil War|the war against the South]] could not have been won.
**As quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=8-dtOwigLNIC&amp;pg=PA8&amp;dq=freedman ''Freedom's Unfinished Revolution: An Inquiry Into the Civil War''], by William Friedheim and Ronald Jackson. 

* I cannot bring myself to believe that any human being lives who would do me any harm.
** Remark to Gen. Edward H. Ripley (5 April 1865), recalled during [http://books.google.com/books?id=1OoSAAAAYAAJ&amp;pg=PA353&amp;dq=believe Ripley's speech] at the 41st annual meeting of the Reunion Society of Vermont Officers (1 November 1904)

* The measures provided at your last session for the removal of certain Indian tribes have been carried into effect. Sundry treaties have been negotiated, which will in due time be submitted for the constitutional action of the Senate. They contain stipulations for extinguishing the possessory rights of the Indians to large and valuable tracts of lands. It is hoped that the effect of these treaties will result in the establishment of permanent friendly relations with such of these tribes as have been brought into frequent and bloody collision with our outlying settlements and emigrants. '''Sound policy and our imperative duty to these wards of the Government demand our anxious and constant attention to their material well-being, to their progress in the arts of civilization, and, above all, to that moral training which under the blessing of Divine Providence will confer upon them the elevated and sanctifying influences, the hopes and consolations, of the Christian faith.''' I suggested in my last annual message the propriety of remodeling our Indian system. Subsequent events have satisfied me of its necessity. The details set forth in the report of the Secretary evince the urgent need for immediate legislative action.
** Lincoln's Annual Message (9 December 1863), published in the [http://books.google.es/books?id=bKAFAAAAQAAJ&amp;pg=PA30&amp;q=influences ''Journal of the House of Representatives : First Session of the Thirty-eighth Congress '' (1863), p. 30], United States Congressional Serial set, N° 1179

* '''All that I am, or [[hope]] to be, I owe to my [[angel]] mother.'''
** Attributed in ''The Life of Abraham Lincoln'' (1866) by Josiah G. Holland, p. 23; also in ''The Real Life of Abraham Lincoln'' (1867) by George Alfred Townsend, p. 6; according to Townsend, Lincoln made this remark to his law partner, William Herndon. It is disputed whether this quote refers to Lincoln's natural mother, Nancy Hanks Lincoln, who died when he was nine years old, or to his stepmother, Sarah Bush (Johnston) Lincoln.

* '''I know there is a God, and that He hates injustice and slavery. I see the storm coming, and I know that His hand is in it. If He has a place and work for me — and I think He has — I believe I am ready. I am nothing, but truth is everything. I know I am right because I know that liberty is right, for Christ teaches it, and Christ is God.''' I have told them that a house divided against itself cannot stand, and Christ and reason say the same; and they will find it so. [[Stephen A. Douglas|Douglas]] doesn't care whether slavery is voted up or voted down, but '''God cares, and humanity cares, and I care; and with God’s help I shall not fail. I may not see the end; but it will come and I shall be vindicated'''; and these men will find that they have not read their Bibles aright.
** Anecdote recorded as something that Lincoln said in a conversation with educator Newman Bateman in the Autumn of 1860, in ''Life of Abraham Lincoln'' (1866) by [[w:Josiah Gilbert Holland|Josiah Gilbert Holland]], Chapter XVI, p. 287&lt;!-- University of Nebraska Press --&gt;

* '''If I were to try to read, much less answer, all the attacks made on me, this shop might as well be closed for any other business.''' I do the very best I know how — the very best I can; and I mean to keep doing so until the end. '''If the end brings me out all right, what's said against me won't amount to anything. If the end brings me out wrong, ten angels swearing I was right would make no difference.'''
** As quoted in ''The Life and Public Service of Abraham Lincoln'' (1865) by Henry J. Raymond

*'''Well, I cannot run the political machine; I have enough on my hands without ''that''. It is the ''people's'' business, - the election is in their hands. If they turn their backs to the fire, and get ''scorched'' in the rear, they'll find they have got to ’''sit'' ’ on the ’blister’!'''
** Attributed by Francis Bicknell Carpenter, reporting what a &quot;friend, the private secretary of a cabinet minister&quot;, told him about a conversation with Lincoln, whom the friend had met alone in the White House in August 1864. ''Six Months at the White House with Abraham Lincoln. The Story of a Picture.'' New York 1866, [https://books.google.co.uk/books?id=Ny0OAAAAIAAJ&amp;pg=PA275&amp;dq=blister p. 275] 

* '''It's my experience that folks who have no vices have generally very few virtues.'''
** According to ''The Inner Life of Abraham Lincoln'' (1867) by F. B. Carpenter, Lincoln quoted this as having been said to him by a fellow-passenger in a stagecoach. See also &quot;Washington during the War&quot;, ''Macmillan's Magazine'' [http://books.google.com/books?id=rB4AAAAAYAAJ&amp;pg=PA24&amp;dq=folks 6:24] (May 1862)

* What is to be, will be, and no prayers of ours can arrest the decree.
** As quoted in ''The World's Sages, Thinkers and Reformers'' (1876) by D. M. Bennett

* '''Perhaps a man's character was like a tree, and his reputation like its shadow; the shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing.'''
** As quoted in &quot;Lincoln's Imagination&quot; by Noah Brooks, in [http://books.google.com/books?id=jOoGAQAAIAAJ&amp;pg=PA586 ''Scribner's Monthly'' (August 1879), p. 586]

* '''I have always found that mercy bears richer fruits than strict justice.'''
** Attributed in ''Lincoln Memorial'' (1882) edited by Osborn Oldroyd

* All through life, be sure and put your feet in the right place, and then stand firm.
** As recalled by Rebecca R. Pomroy in ''Echoes from hospital and White House'' (1884), by Anna L. Boyden, [http://books.google.com/books?id=7LZiAAAAMAAJ&amp;pg=PA61&amp;dq=feet p. 61]

* Well, for people that like that sort of thing, I think it is just about the sort of thing they would like.
** Attributed to &quot;an American President&quot; in Ármin Vámbéry (1884), ''All the Year Round''. It more likely originates in a spoof testimonial that [[w:Charles Farrar Browne|Artemus Ward (Charles Farrar Browne)]] wrote in an advertisement in 1863:
&lt;blockquote&gt;
&lt;p&gt;I have never heard any of your lectures, but from what I can learn I should say that for people who like the kind of lectures you deliver, they are just the kind of lectures such people like.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Yours respectfully,&lt;br /&gt;O. Abe&lt;/p&gt;
&lt;/blockquote&gt;
&lt;!-- According to David C. Mearns, Lincoln Herald 67:102 (Summer 1965), such an
advertisement appears in the Norfolk County Journal of Roxbury, Massachusetts, on November 7, 1863. See also
John J. Pullen &quot;Who Wrote 'The World's Best Book Review'&quot;?,
New England Quarterly, 59:252-259 (Jun., 1986)
http://www.jstor.org/stable/365681--&gt;

* Force is all-conquering, but its victories are short-lived.
** As quoted in ''Excellent Quotations for Home and School'' (1888) by Julia B. Hoitt, p. 97; no attribution of this phrase to any existing Lincoln document could be located.

* '''When I do good I feel good, when I do bad I feel bad, and that's my religion.'''
** Quoted in [http://books.google.com/books?id=rywOAAAAIAAJ&amp;pg=PA439&amp;dq=%22when+i+do+good+i+feel+good%22 3:439 ''Herndon's Lincoln'' (1890), p. 439]: ''Inasmuch as he was so often a candidate for public office Mr. Lincoln said as little about his religious code as possible, especially if he failed to coincide with the orthodox world. In illustration of his religious code I once heard him say that it was like that of an old man named Glenn, in Indiana, whom he heard speak at a church meeting, and who said: &quot;When I do good I feel good, when I do bad I feel bad, and that's my religion.&quot;''

* '''I want it said of me by those who knew me best that I always plucked a thistle and planted a flower where I thought a flower would grow.'''
** Recalled in a letter from [[w:Joshua Fry Speed|Joshua Speed]] in [http://books.google.com/books?id=rywOAAAAIAAJ&amp;pg=PA527&amp;dq=%22plucked+a+thistle+and+planted+a+flower%22 ''Herndon's Lincoln'' (1890), p. 527]

* I do not consider that I have ever accomplished anything without God; and if it is His will that I must die by the hand of an assassin, I must be resigned. I must do my duty as I see it, and leave the rest with God.
** As quoted in ''Life on the Circuit with Lincoln'' (1892) by Henry Clay Witney

* I don't know who my grandfather was; I am much more concerned to know what his grandson will be.
** As quoted in ''The Early Life of Abraham Lincoln'' (1896) by Ida Tarbell

* So you're the little woman who wrote the book that made this great war!
** Comment on meeting [[w:Harriet Beecher Stowe|Harriet Beecher Stowe]], author of [[w:Uncle Tom's Cabin|Uncle Tom's Cabin]], according to Charles Edward Stowe, Lyman Beecher Stowe, &quot;How Mrs. Stowe wrote 'Uncle Tom's Cabin'&quot;, McClure's magazine [http://books.google.com/books?id=biAAAAAAYAAJ&amp;pg=PA621&amp;dq=%22little+woman+who+wrote+the+book+that+made+this+great+war%22 36:621] (April 1911), with a footnote stating: &quot;Mr. Charles Edward Stowe, one of the authors of this article, accompanied his mother on this visit to Lincoln, and remembers the occasion distinctly.&quot;
** Variant: Her daughter was told that when the President heard her name he seized her hand, saying, &quot;'''Is this the little woman who made the great war'''?&quot;
*** Annie Fields, &quot;Days with Mrs. Stowe&quot;, Atlantic Monthly [http://books.google.com/books?id=8F0CAAAAIAAJ&amp;pg=PA148&amp;dq=%22Is+this+the+little+woman+who+made+the+great+war%22 7:148] (August 1896)
** Variant: So you are the little woman who caused this great war!

* I can see how it might be possible for a man to look down upon the earth and be an atheist, but I cannot conceive how he could look up into the heavens and say there is no God.
** Recollection by Gilbert J. Greene, quoted in ''The Speaking Oak'' (1902) by Ferdinand C. Iglehart and ''Latest Light on Abraham Lincoln'' (1917) by Ervin S. Chapman

* '''I am not bound to win, but I am bound to be true. I am not bound to succeed, but I am bound to live up to the light I have. I must stand with anybody that stands right — stand with him while he is right and part with him when he goes wrong.'''
** Reported as an inscription quoting Lincoln in an English college in ''The Baptist Teacher for Sunday-school Workers'' : Vol. 36 (August 1905), p. 483. The portion beginning with &quot;stand with anybody...&quot; is from the 16 October 1854 Peoria speech.. &lt;!-- also quoted in ''The Friend'' Vo. 79, No. 7 (26 August 1906) --&gt;

* '''As I would not be a slave, so I would not be a master. This expresses my idea of democracy. Whatever differs from this, to the extent of the difference, is no democracy.'''
** Written speech fragment presented by to the Chicago Veterans Druggist's Association in 1906 by Judge James B. Bradwell, who claimed to have received it from Mary Todd Lincoln. ''Collected Works'', [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/t/text/text-idx?c=lincoln;cc=lincoln;view=text;idno=lincoln2;rgn=div1;node=lincoln2%3A547 2:532]

* He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas of any man I ever met.
** Attributed in ''Lincoln the Lawyer'' (1906) by Frederick Trevor Hill — Hill noted that he could find no record of whom Lincoln was insulting.

* I do not think much of a man who is not wiser today than he was yesterday.
** Included in ''Portrait-Life of Lincoln'' (1910) by Francis T Miller

*I never tire of reading [[w:Thomas Paine|Tom Paine]].
**As quoted in A Literary History of the American People‎ (1931) by Charles Angoff, p. 270

{{Disputed begin}}

== Attributed ==
&lt;small&gt;''Attributed: Quotes found in a ''reputable'' secondary source but not sourced to an original work. Read more at [[Wikiquote:Sourced and Unsourced sections]].''&lt;/small&gt;
&lt;!-- [[File:Storming the castle (1860 election).jpg|thumb|Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?]] --&gt;
&lt;div id=&quot;I_do_love_Jesus&quot;&gt;

* Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be.
** This quote is not found in the various Lincoln sources which can be searched online (e.g. Gutenberg). Niether does Lincoln appear more generally to use the phrase &quot;making up {one's} mind&quot;. The saying was first quoted, ascribed to Lincoln but with no source given, in 1914 by [[Frank Crane]]&lt;ref&gt;https://quoteinvestigator.com/2012/10/20/happy-minds/#:~:text=%E2%80%9CPeople%20are%20about%20as%20happy,up%20their%20minds%20to%20be.%E2%80%9D&amp;text=Remember%20Lincoln's%20saying%20that%20%E2%80%9Cfolks,up%20their%20minds%20to%20be.%E2%80%9D&lt;/ref&gt;&lt;ref&gt;Curiously in later books Crane, e.g. Four Minute Essays, 1919, Adventures in Common Sense, 1920, &quot;21&quot;, 1930, Crane mentions other routes to happiness and does not again use this quote.&lt;/ref&gt; and several times subsequently by him in altered versions. It was later quoted in ''How to Get What You Want'' (1917) by [[Orison Swett Marden]] (Thomas Y. Crowell Company, 1917), 74, again without source.&lt;ref&gt; Marden used a great many quotes in his writings, without giving sources. Whilst sources for many of the quotes can be found, this is not true for all. For instance he mentions another story in which Lincoln says &quot;Madam, you have not a peg to hang your case on&quot;; this also does not seem to found in Lincoln sources.&lt;/ref&gt; Alternative versions quoted are: &quot;I have found that most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be&quot; and &quot;People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.&quot;

* After the failure of his first experimental explorations around Vicksburg, a committee of abolition war managers waited upon the President and demanded [[Ulysses S. Grant|the General]]’s removal, on the false charge that he was a whiskey drinker, and little better than a common drunkard. “Ah!” exclaimed Honest Old Abe, “you surprise me, gentlemen. But can you tell me where he gets his whiskey?” “We cannot, Mr. President. But why do you desire to know?” “Because, if I can only find out, I will send a barrel of this wonderful whiskey to every general in the army.”
** Statement first attributed in the ''New York Herald'', (September 18, 1863) in response to allegations his most successful general drank too much; as quoted in ''Wit and Wisdom of the American Presidents: A Book of Quotations'' (2000) by Joslyn T. Pine, p. 26. 
** When some one charged Gen. Grant, in the President’s hearing, with drinking too much liquor, Mr. Lincoln, recalling Gen. Grant’s successes, said that if he could find out what brand of whisky Grant drank, he would send a barrel of it to all the other commanders.
*** ''The New York Times'', October 30, 1863 
** Major Eckert asked Mr. Lincoln if the story of his interview with the complainant against General Grant was true. The story was: a growler called on the President and complained bitterly of General Grant’s drunkenness. The President inquired very solicitously, if the man could tell him where the General got his liquor. The man really was very sorry but couldn’t say where he did get it. The President replied that he would like very much to find out so he could get a quantity of it and send a barrel to all his Major Generals. Mr. Lincoln said he had heard the story before and it would be very good if he had said it, but he did not, and he supposed it was charged to him to give it currency. He then said the original of this story was in King George’s time. Bitter complaints were made to the King against his General Wolfe in which it was charged that he was mad. “Well,” said the King, “I wish he would bite some of my other Generals then.
*** Authenticity of quote first refuted in “The Military Telegraph During the Civil War in the United States” by William R. Plum, (1882). 

* When I left Springfield I asked the people to pray for me. I was not a Christian. When I buried my son, the severest trial of my life, I was not a Christian. But when I went to Gettysburg and saw the graves of thousands of our soldiers, I then and there consecrated myself to Christ. Yes, I ''do'' love Jesus.
** This anecdote apparently dates from [[Talk:Abraham Lincoln#I do love Jesus|1864 Massachusetts Sunday School Teachers' Convention]].
** This has been portrayed to have been Lincoln's &quot;reply&quot; to an unnamed Illinois clergyman when asked if he loved [[Jesus]], as quoted in [http://books.google.com/books?id=pX5DEhCM9M0C&amp;pg=RA10-PA366&amp;lpg=RA10-PA366&amp;dq=%22and+saw+the+graves+of+thousands+of+our+soldiers%22&amp;source=web&amp;ots=Alddnu8KL8&amp;sig=IhhhPHp6tuB7FoiRI8c71w5NUH4#PRA10-PA365,M1 ''The Lincoln Memorial Album — Immortelles'' (1882) edited by Osborn H. Oldroyd [New York: G.W. Carleton &amp; Co. p. 366]
*** This incident must have appeared in print immediately after Lincoln's death, for I find it quoted in memorial addresses of May, 1865. Mr Oldroyd has endeavored to learn for me in what paper he found it and on whose authority it rests, but without result. He does not remember where he found it. It is inherently improbable, and rests on no adequate testimony. It ought to be wholly disregarded. The earliest reference I have found to the story in which Lincoln is alleged to have said to an unnamed Illinois minister, &quot;I do love Jesus&quot; is in a sermon preached in the Baptist Church of Oshkosh, Wisconsin, April 19, 1865, by Rev. W. W. Whitcomb, which was published in the Oshkosh ''Northwestern'', April 21, 1865, and in 1907 issued in pamphlet form by John E. Burton.
**** William Eleazar Barton (1920) ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=UDEOAAAAIAAJ&amp;pg=RA1-PA208&amp;lpg=RA1-PA208&amp;dq=%22and+saw+the+graves+of+thousands+of+our+soldiers%22&amp;source=web&amp;ots=kDphIXKsy-&amp;sig=GclPy5wecnvSuGHYO2R1bhb6lUQ The Soul of Abraham Lincoln]''. Further discussion appears in ''They Never Said It'' (1989) by Paul F. Boller &amp; John George, p. 91.
&lt;/div&gt;

* You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can not fool all of the people all of the time.
** This is probably the most famous of apparently apocryphal remarks attributed to Lincoln. Despite it being cited variously as from an 1856 speech, or a September 1858 speech in Clinton, Illinois, there are no known contemporary records or accounts substantiating that he ever made the statement. The earliest known appearance is October 29, 1886 in the [http://anotherhistoryblog.blogspot.com/2009/02/fooling-people-earlier.html ''Milwaukee Daily Journal'']. It later appeared in the ''New York Times'' on [http://query.nytimes.com/gst/abstract.html?res=F30817FF3E5413738DDDAF0A94D0405B8784F0D3 August 26] and [http://query.nytimes.com/gst/abstract.html?res=F00E15FF3E5413738DDDAE0A94D0405B8784F0D3 August 27], 1887. The saying was repeated several times in newspaper editorials later in 1887. In 1888 and, especially, 1889, the saying became commonplace, used in speeches, advertisements, and on portraits of Lincoln. In 1905 and later, there were attempts to find contemporaries of Lincoln who could recall Lincoln saying this. Historians have not, generally, found these accounts convincing. For more information see two articles in ''For the People: A Newsletter of the Abraham Lincoln Association'', &quot;'You Can Fool All of the People' Lincoln Never Said That&quot;, by Thomas F. Schwartz ([http://abrahamlincolnassociation.org/Newsletters/5-4.pdf V. 5, #4, Winter 2003, p. 1]) and &quot;A New Look at 'You Can Fool All of the People'&quot; by David B. Parker ([http://abrahamlincolnassociation.org/Newsletters/7-3.pdf V. 7, #3, Autumn 2005, p. 1]); also the [[Talk:Abraham_Lincoln#Fool_some_of_the_people|talk page]]. The statement has also sometimes been attributed to [[P. T. Barnum]], although no references to this have been found from the nineteenth century.
** Variants:
*** You can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you cannot fool all of the people all of the time.
*** You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can't fool all of the people all of the time.
*** You can fool all the people some time, you can fool some of the people all of the time, but you can not fool all the people all the time.&lt;!-- 1886-07-05 Springfield Globe-Republic, p. 1; see talk page --&gt;

* The people will save their government, if the government itself will allow them.
** This quote is incorrectly quoted from [http://millercenter.org/president/speeches/detail/3508 Lincoln's Address to Congress on July 4, 1861], in which Lincoln outlined the events that had led to the American Civil War and his views on the nature of the rebellion by the southern slave states. To suppress the rebellion Lincoln said that Congress must &quot;give the legal means for making this contest a short and a decisive one; that you place at the control of the Government for the work at least 400,000 men and $400,000,000.&quot; And Lincoln remarked further: &quot;A right result at this time will be worth more to the world than ten times the men and ten times the money. The evidence reaching us from the country leaves no doubt that the material for the work is abundant, and that it needs only the hand of legislation to give it legal sanction and the hand of the Executive to give it practical shape and efficiency. One of the greatest perplexities of the Government is to avoid receiving troops faster than it can provide for them. In a word, '''the people will save their Government if the Government itself will do its part only indifferently well'''&quot;.

* We, the People are the rightful masters of both Congress and the courts — not to overthrow the Constitution, but to overthrow men who pervert the Constitution.
** Lincoln never said these words, but wrote and said some that are very similar to the above quote. As Lincoln's popularity within the Republican Party grew, he was invited to address members of his party throughout the nation. In September 1859 Lincoln gave several speeches to Ohio Republicans. The notes Lincoln used for his 1859 engagements state: &quot;We must not disturb slavery in the states where it exists, because the Constitution, and the peace of the country both forbid us — We must not withhold an efficient fugitive slave law, because the constitution demands it — But we must, by a national policy, prevent the spread of slavery into new territories, or free states, because the constitution does not forbid us, and the general welfare does demand such prevention — We must prevent the revival of the African slave trade, because the constitution does not forbid us, and the general welfare does require the prevention — We must prevent these things being done, by either congresses or courts — The people — '''the people — are the rightful masters of both Congresses, and courts — not to overthrow the Constitution, but to overthrow the men who pervert it''' —&quot; Source: [http://memory.loc.gov/cgi-bin/query/r?ammem/mal:@field(DOCID+@lit(d0189300))#I379 Abraham Lincoln [September 16-17, 1859&lt;nowiki&gt;]&lt;/nowiki&gt;] [http://memory.loc.gov/cgi-bin/ampage?collId=mal&amp;fileName=mal1/018/0189300/malpage.db&amp;recNum=1 (Notes for Speech in Kansas and Ohio)] in &quot;Abraham Lincoln Papers at the Library of Congress. Series 1. General Correspondence. 1833-1916.&quot; Transcribed and Annotated by the Lincoln Studies Center, Knox College. Galesburg, Illinois.
** Lincoln transformed his prior quoted notes in the following words: &quot;I say that we must not interfere with the institution of slavery in the States where it exists, because the Constitution forbids it, and the general welfare does not require us to do so. We must not withhold an efficient Fugitive Slave law, because the Constitution requires us, as I understand it, not to withhold such a law. But we must prevent the outspreading of the institution, because neither the Constitution nor general welfare requires us to extend it. We must prevent the revival of the African slave trade, and the enacting by Congress of a Territorial slave code. We must prevent each of these things being done by either Congresses or courts. '''The people of these United States are the rightful masters of both Congresses and courts, not to overthrow the Constitution, but to overthrow the men who pervert the Constitution.'''&quot; Source: [http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/3/2/5/3253/3253-h/files/2657/2657-h/2657-h.htm#2H_4_0043 Speech at Cincinnati, Ohio, September 17, 1859]; in &quot;The Papers And Writings Of Abraham Lincoln, Volume Five, Constitutional Edition&quot;, edited by Arthur Brooks Lapsley and released as &quot;[http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/3/2/5/3253/3253-h/files/2657/2657-h/2657-h.htm The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Papers And Writings Of Abraham Lincoln, Volume Five, by Abraham Lincoln]&quot; (2009) by Project Gutenberg.

* &lt;!-- When Lincoln was accused of treating his opponents with too much courtesy and kindness, and when it was pointed out to him that his whole duty was to destroy them, he answered : --&gt; '''Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?'''
** His response when &quot;accused of treating his opponents with too much courtesy and kindness, and when it was pointed out to him that his whole duty was to destroy them&quot;, as quoted in ''More New Testament Words'' (1958) by [[w:William Barclay (theologian)|William Barclay]]; either this anecdote or Lincoln's reply may have been adapted from a reply attributed to [[w:Sigismund, Holy Roman Emperor|Holy Roman Emperor Sigismund]]:
::* Some courtiers reproached the Emperor Sigismond that, instead of destroying his conquered foes, he admitted them to favour. “Do I not,” replied the illustrious monarch, “effectually destroy my enemies, when I make them my friends?”
:::* [http://books.google.de/books?id=aW0EAAAAQAAJ&amp;pg=PA123&amp;dq=destroy &quot;Daily Facts&quot; in ''The Family Magazine'' Vol. IV (1837), p. 123]; also quoted as simply in &quot;Do I not effectually destroy my enemies, in making them my friends?&quot; in ''The Sociable Story-teller'' (1846)

* A child is a person who is going to carry on what you have started. He is going to sit where you are sitting, and when you are gone; attend to those things, which you think are important. You may adopt all policies you please, but how they are carried out depends on him. He will assume control of your cities, states and nations. All your books are going to be judged, praised or condemned by him. The fate of humanity is in his hands. So it might be well to pay him some attention.
** The origins of this quote are unknown. At least two sources can be traced back, but these sources date back to the 1940 years; long time after Lincon's death.
** ''Source 1'': The 2003 &quot;Masonic Historiology&quot; from Allotter J. McKowe contains on page 55 (page 55 is dated on Jan. 11, 1944) the poem &quot;[http://books.google.de/books?id=K5CHWRttt-gC&amp;pg=PA55&amp;dq=desk What Is a Boy?]&quot; from an unknown author. The poem reads:
::: He is a person who is going to carry on what you have started.
::: He is to sit right where you are sitting and attend when you are gone to those things you think are so important.
::: You may adopt all the policies you please, but how they will be carried out depends on him.
::: Even if you make leagues and treaties, he will have to manage them.
::: He is going to sit at your desk in the Senate, and occupy your place on the Supreme Bench.
::: He will assume control of your cities, states and nations.
::: He is going to move in and take over your prisons, churches, schools, universities and corporations.
::: All your work is going to be judged and praised or condemned by him.
::: Your reputation and your future are in his hands.
::: All you work is for him, and the fate of the nations and of humanity is in his hands.[http://www.quotesaboutlifee.com/2012/04/best-quotes-on-life-best-sayings-on.html Quotes about life]
::: So it might be well to pay him some attention.
:* ''Source 2'': The newspaper &quot;The Florence Times&quot; from Florence, Alabama (Volume 72 - Number 120) contains in its Wednesday afternoon edition from October 30, 1940 a statement from a Dr. Frank Crane. The entitled [http://news.google.com/newspapers?nid=1842&amp;dat=19401030&amp;id=yx8sAAAAIBAJ&amp;sjid=I7oEAAAAIBAJ&amp;pg=3738,3720511 &quot;What is a Boy?&quot; statement] reads:

* As a result of the war, corporations have been enthroned and an era of corruption in high places will follow, and the money power of the country will endeavor to prolong its reign by working upon the prejudices of the people until all wealth is destroyed. I feel at the moment more anxiety for the safety of my country than ever before, even in the midst of the war. God grant that my suspicions should prove groundless.
** November 21, 1864, as cited in ''Lincoln's Words on Living Questions: A Collection of All the Recorded Utterances of Abraham Lincoln Bearing Upon the Questions of Today'' (1900), p. 133
*** A different wording of the same statement appears in ''The Conflict of the Ages: The Civic, Social and Economic Problem Analyzed, and a Remedy Suggested'' (1907), p. 15:
**** As a result of the war, corporations have been enthroned, an era of corruption in high places will follow, and the money power of the country will endeavor to prolong its reign by working upon the prejudices of the people until the wealth is aggregated in the hands of the few and the Republic is destroyed. I feel at this moment more anxiety for the safety of my country than ever before, even in the midst of the rebellion.
*** &quot;Corporations have been enthroned, and an era of corruption in high places will follow,&quot; is identified as a &quot;Fake Lincoln quote&quot; by Thomas DiLorenzo in ''Lincoln Unmasked: What You're Not Supposed to Know About Dishonest Abe'' (Crown Publishing Group: 2009), p. 31

* The money power preys upon the nation in times of peace, and it conspires against it in times of adversity. It's more despotic than monarchy. It's more insolent than autocracy. It's more selfish than bureaucracy. ... Corporations have been enthroned, and an era of corruption in high places will follow.
** &quot;Fake Lincoln Quotes&quot; in Thomas DiLorenzo, ''Lincoln Unmasked: What You're Not Supposed to Know About Dishonest Abe'' (Crown Publishing Group: 2009), p. 31

* '''I do not like that man. I must get to know him better.'''
** As quoted in ''Costs of Administering Reparation for Work Injuries in Illinois '' (1952) by Alfred Fletcher Conard; also in ''Residence Laws : Road Block to Human Welfare, a Symposium'' (1956), p. 28
** Variant:
**I don't like that man. I must get to know him better.
***As quoted in [https://web.archive.org/web/20100716212616/http://www.today.colostate.edu/story.aspx?id=546 &quot;Wisdom of a forefather&quot;] (11 February 2009), ''Colorado State University''

=== [[w:The Suicide's Soliloquy|The Suicide's Soliloquy]] (1838) ===
* &lt;small&gt; [http://www.loc.gov/rr/program/bib/prespoetry/al.html &quot;The Suicide's Soliloquy,&quot; published in the ''Sangamo Journal'' (25 August 1838)]; there is no consensus among historians whether or not this poem was written by Lincoln.&lt;/small&gt; 

&lt;blockquote&gt;&lt;poem&gt;Here, where the lonely hooting owl
Sends forth his midnight moans,
Fierce wolves shall o'er my carcase growl,
Or buzzards pick my bones.

No fellow-man shall learn my fate,
Or where my ashes lie;
Unless by beasts drawn round their bait,
Or by the ravens' cry.

Yes! I've resolved the deed to do,
And this the place to do it:
This heart I'll rush a dagger through,
Though I in hell should rue it!

Hell! What is hell to one like me
Who pleasures never knew;
By friends consigned to misery,
By hope deserted too?

To ease me of this power to think,
That through my bosom raves,
I'll headlong leap from hell's high brink,
And wallow in its waves.

Though devils yell, and burning chains
May waken long regret;
Their frightful screams, and piercing pains,
Will help me to forget.

Yes! I'm prepared, through endless night,
To take that fiery berth!
Think not with tales of hell to fright
Me, who am damn'd on earth!

Sweet steel! come forth from your sheath,
And glist'ning, speak your powers;
Rip up the organs of my breath,
And draw my blood in showers!

I strike! It quivers in that heart
Which drives me to this end;
I draw and kiss the bloody dart,
My last — my only friend!&lt;/poem&gt;&lt;/blockquote&gt;

{{Disputed end}}
{{Misattributed begin}}

== Misattributed ==
&lt;small&gt;''Misattributed: Quotes widely associated with an author or work but sourced to another author or work. Read more at [[Wikiquote:Sourced and Unsourced sections]].''&lt;/small&gt;

*Prohibition will work great injury to the cause of temperance. It is a species of intemperance within itself, for it goes beyond the bounds of reason in that it attempts to control a man's appetite by legislation, and makes a crime out of things that are not crimes. A Prohibition law strikes a blow at the very principles upon which our government was founded.
**Alledgedly from a speech to the Illinois House of Representatives (18 December 1840) its called &quot;a remarkable piece of spurious Lincolniana&quot; by Merrill D. Peterson: ''Lincoln in American Memory''. Oxford UP 1995, [https://books.google.de/books?id=EADk9ZIMJXEC&amp;q=prohibitory#v=page books.google]. Cf.''Spurious'' [https://archive.org/details/abrahamlincolnqulinc_41 archive.org] and Harry Miller Lydenberg: ''Lincoln and Prohibition, Blazes on a Zigzag Trail.'' Proceedings Of The American Antiquarian Society, No. 1/1952 [http://www.americanantiquarian.org/proceedings/44807229.pdf pdf]. 

* He only has the right to criticize who has the heart to help.
** Original quote from [[William Penn]] (1693): ''They have a Right to censure, that have a Heart to help: The rest is Cruelty, not Justice''.

* It will not do to investigate the subject of religion too closely, as it is apt to lead to Infidelity.
** Claimed by atheist Franklin Steiner, on p. 144 of one of his books to have appeared in ''Manford's Magazine'' but he never gives a year of publication.

* I hope to have God on my side, but I must have Kentucky!
** See, for example, Albert D. Richardson (1865), ''The Secret Service, the Field, the Dungeon, and the Escape''. The quotation is based on a comment by Rev. [[w:Moncure D. Conway|Moncure D. Conway]] about the progress of the Civil War.
*** It is evident that the worthy President would like to have God on his side: he must have Kentucky.
**** Moncure D. Conway (1862), ''The Golden Hour''

* To sin by silence when they should protest makes cowards of men.
** Sometimes attributed to Lincoln since a 1950 speech of [[w:Douglas MacArthur|Douglas MacArthur]] citing him as its author, this is actually from a poem by [[w:Ella Wheeler Wilcox|Ella Wheeler Wilcox]].

* My earlier views on the unsoundness of the Christian scheme of salvation and the human origin of the scriptures have become clearer and stronger with advancing years, and I see no reason for thinking I shall ever change them.
** Letter to [[w:John Allen Wakefield|Judge J. A. Wakefield]], after the death of Lincoln's son [[w:William Wallace Lincoln|Willie]] in 1862, as cited in ''Abraham Lincoln: was he a Christian?'' (1893), [http://books.google.com/books?id=x8BHAAAAIAAJ&amp;pg=PA292&amp;dq=%22unsoundness+of+the+Christian+scheme%22 p. 292], by John Eleazer Remsburg. Historian Merrill Daniel Peterson states in ''Lincoln in American Memory'' (1994), [http://books.google.com/books?id=D_FjY_ARcGoC&amp;lpg=PA227&amp;vq=%22Judge%20J.%20A.%20Wakefield%22&amp;pg=PA227 p. 227], that the letter has never actually been produced to verify the statement and that there's no correspondence with Wakefield noted in the ''Collected Works''.

* America will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter and lose our freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves.
** First attributed to Lincoln in 2002, this seems a paraphrase of a statement in the Lyceum address of 1838, while incorporating language used by [[w:Thomas E. Dewey|Thomas E. Dewey]] (c. 1944), who said &quot;By the same token labor unions can never be destroyed from the outside. They can only fail if they fail to lend their united support to full production in a free society&quot;.

* Now, I say to you, my fellow-citizens, that in my opinion the signers of the Declaration had no reference to the negro whatever when they declared all men to be created equal. They desired to express by that phrase, white men, men of European birth and European descent, and had no reference either to the negro, the savage Indians, the Fejee, the Malay, or any other inferior and degraded race, when they spoke of the equality of men. One great evidence that such was their understanding, is to be found in the fact that at that time every one of the thirteen colonies was a slaveholding colony, every signer of the Declaration represented a slave-holding constituency, and we know that no one of them emancipated his slaves, much less offered citizenship to them when they signed the Declaration, and yet, if they had intended to declare that the negro was the equal of the white man, and entitled by divine right to an equality with him, they were bound, as honest men, that day and hour to have put their negroes on an equality with themselves.
** Attributed at a few sites to a debate in Peoria, Illinois with [[Stephen Douglas]] on 16 October 1858. No historical record of such a debate actually exists, though there was a famous set of speeches by both in Peoria on 16 October 1854, but [http://www.hti.umich.edu/cgi/t/text/text-idx?c=lincoln;cc=lincoln;type=simple;rgn=div1;q1=cleaver;view=text;subview=detail;sort=occur;idno=lincoln2;node=lincoln2%3A282 transcripts of Lincoln's speech] on that date do not indicate that he made such a statement. It in fact comes from a speech made by Douglas in the [http://www.hti.umich.edu/cgi/t/text/text-idx?c=lincoln;cc=lincoln;type=simple;rgn=div1;q1=fejee;view=text;subview=detail;sort=occur;idno=lincoln3;node=lincoln3%3A17 third debate] ''against'' Lincoln at Jonesboro, Illinois on 15 September 1858.

* As a result of the war, corporations have been enthroned and an era of corruption in high places will follow, and the money power of the country will endeavor to prolong its reign by working upon the prejudices of the people until all wealth is aggregated in a few hands and the Republic is destroyed. I feel at this moment more anxiety for the safety of my country than ever before, even in the midst of war. God grant that my suspicions may prove groundless.
** [http://www.ratical.org/corporations/Lincoln.html Purportedly in a letter to Colonel William F. Elkins (21 November 1864)] after the passage of the National Bank Act (3 June 1864), these remarks were attributed to Lincoln as early as 1887 but were denounced by [[w:John Nicolay|John Nicolay]], Lincoln's private secretary and biographer.
*** [[w:Knights of Labor|Knights of Labor]], &quot;What Will The Future Bring,&quot; ''Journal of United Labor'', Vol 8, no. 20, Nov. 19, 1887, pg. 2.
*** Nicolay: &quot;This alleged quotation from Mr. Lincoln is a bald, unblushing forgery. The great President never said it or wrote it, and never said or wrote anything that by the utmost license could be distorted to resemble it.&quot;
****[http://query.nytimes.com/gst/abstract.html?res=9C0DEFDE133BEE33A25750C0A9669D94679ED7CF &quot;A Popocratic Forgery&quot; in ''The New York Times'' (3 October 1898), p. 1]
** {{anchor|moneypowers}}The money powers prey upon the nation in times of peace and conspire against it in times of diversity. It is more despotic then monarchy. More insolent than autocracy. More selfish then bureaucracy. I see the near future a crisis approaching that unnerves me and causes me to tremble for the safety of my country. Corporations have been enthroned. An era of corruption will follow and the money power of the country, will endeavor to prolong it's reign by working upon the prejudices of the people. Until the wealth is aggregated in a few hands and the Republic is destroyed.
*** A variant cited to ''The Lincoln Encyclopedia'' (1950) by Archer H. Shaw, p. 40, a collection of Lincoln quotations or attributions which has been criticized for including dubious material and known forgeries.
** I see in the near future a crisis approaching that unnerves me and causes me to tremble for the safety of my country... corporations have been enthroned and an era of corruption in high places will follow, and the money power of the country will endeavor to prolong its reign by working upon the prejudices of the people until all wealth is aggregated in a few hands and the Republic is destroyed. I feel at this moment more anxiety for the safety of my country than ever before, even in the midst of war.
*** An additional last line is included in David McGowan's ''Derailing Democracy: The America The Media Don't Want You To See'', p.33.
** The money power preys upon the nation in times of peace and conspires against it in times of adversity. It is more despotic than a monarchy, more insolent than autocracy, more selfish than bureaucracy. It denounces, as public enemies, all who question its methods or throw light upon its crimes.
*** A corruption of remarks by [[William Jennings Bryan]] at Madison Square Garden (30 August 1906)

* I like to see a man proud of the place in which he lives. I like to see a man live so that his place will be proud of him. Be honest, but hate no one; overturn a man's wrongdoing, but do not overturn him unless it must be done in overturning the wrong. Stand with a man while he is right, and part with him when he goes wrong.
** The last sentence is from the 16 October 1854 Peoria speech, slightly paraphrased. No known contemporary source for the rest. It first appears, attributed to Lincoln, in US religious/inspirational journals in 1907-8, such as p123, ''Friends Intelligencer: a religious and family journal'', Volume 65, Issue 8 (1908)

* Any nation that does not honor its heroes will not long endure.
** Not ''by'' Lincoln, this is apparently paraphrased from remarks ''about'' honoring him by Hugh Gordon Miller: &quot;I do not believe in forever dragging over or raking up some phases of the past; in some respects the dead past might better be allowed to bury its dead, but the nation which fails to honor its heroes, the memory of its heroes, whether those heroes be living or dead, does not deserve to live, and it will not live, and so it came to pass that in 1909 nearly a hundred millions of people [...] were singing the praises of Abraham Lincoln.&quot; — from [http://www.archive.org/details/reportsons00sonsuoft &quot;Lincoln, the Preserver of the Union&quot; (22 February 1911), an address to the Sons of the Revolution in the State of New York.

* You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift. You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong. You cannot help small men by tearing down big men. You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich. You cannot lift the wage earner by pulling down the wage payer. You cannot keep out of trouble by spending more than your income. You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatreds. You cannot establish security on borrowed money. You cannot build character and courage by taking away a man's initiative and independence. You cannot help men permanently by doing for them what they could and should do for themselves.
** Actually a statement by [[w:William J. H. Boetcker|William J. H. Boetcker]] known as &quot;The Ten Cannots&quot; (1916), this has often been misattributed to Lincoln since 1942 when a leaflet containing quotes by both men was published.

* There is no room for two distinct races of white men in America, much less for two distinct races of whites and blacks. I can conceive of no greater calamity than the assimilation of the Negro into our social and political life as an equal... Within twenty years we can peacefully colonize the Negro in the tropics and give him our language, literature, religion, and system of government under conditions in which he can rise to the full measure of manhood. This he can never do here. We can never attain the ideal Union our fathers dreamed, with millions of an alien, inferior race among us, whose assimilation is neither possible nor desirable.
** This is from a fictional speech by Lincoln which occurs in ''The Clansman : An Historical Romance of the Ku Klux Klan'' (1905) by [[w:Thomas Dixon, Jr.|Thomas Dixon, Jr.]]. On some sites this has been declared to be something Lincoln said &quot;soon after signing&quot; the Emancipation Proclamation, but without any date or other indications of to whom it was stated, and there are no actual historical records of Lincoln ever saying this.

* Congressmen who willfully take actions during wartime that damage morale and undermine the military are saboteurs and should be arrested, exiled, or hanged.
** This was the lead sentence in an article &quot;Democrats Usher in An Age of Treason&quot; by conservative author J. Michael Waller in ''Insight'' magazine (23 December 2003) which a copyeditor (http://www.factcheck.org/misquoting_lincoln.html) mistakenly put quotation marks around, making it seem a quote of Lincoln.

* If you look for the bad in mankind expecting to find it, you surely will.
** This is attributed to Lincoln in the 1960 film adaptation of ''Pollyanna''. In reality, it was fabricated by screenwriter and director [[w:David Swift (director)|David Swift]], who had to have thousands of lockets bearing the false inscription recalled after Disney began selling them at [[w:Disneyland|Disneyland]].

* Money is the creature of law and creation of the original issue of money should be maintained as an exclusive monopoly of national government.… Democracy will rise superior to Money Power.
** These remarks in support of a government-regulated money supply were written by [[w:Gerald Grattan McGeer|Gerry McGeer]], who presented them as his interpretation of what Lincoln believed. {{cite book
 | last = McGeer
 | first = Gerald Grattan
 | authorlink =w:Gerald Grattan McGeer
 | title = The Conquest of Poverty
 | chapter = 5 - Lincoln, Practical Economist
 | url = http://heritech.com/pridger/lincoln/mcgeer/mcgeerv.htm
 | accessdate = 2009-07-29
 | year = 1935
 | publisher = Garden City Press
 | location = Gardenvale, Quebec
 | pages = 186ff
}}

* To ease another's heartache is to forget one's own.
** Quoted in a Edith A. Sawyer (1899), ''Mary Cameron''

* If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.
** Attributed in Evan Esar (1949), ''The Dictionary of Humorous Quotations''

* I will study and get ready, and perhaps my chance will come.
** Attributed in Laura Haddock (1931), ''Steps Upward in Personality''

* I am not concerned that you fall; I am concerned that you arise.
** Attributed in Deborah Gillan Straub (1996), ''Native North American Voices''

* If I had another face, do you think I would wear this one?
** Attributed in Jean Dresden Grambs (1959), ''Abraham Lincoln Through the Eyes of High School Youth''

* It is better to be silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.
** Variously attributed to Lincoln, [[Elbert Hubbard]], [[Mark Twain]], [[Benjamin Franklin]] and [[Socrates]]

* Marriage is neither heaven nor hell, it is simply purgatory.
** Attributed in Henry Louis Mencken (1942), ''A New Dictionary of Quotations''

* You have to do your own growing no matter how tall your grandfather was.
** Quoted in Herbert V. Prochnow (1955), ''Speaker's Book of Epigrams and Witticisms''

* The best way to get a bad law repealed is to enforce it.
** Attributed in ''A Dictionary of Thoughts'' (1908) by [[Tryon Edwards]]; this is earlier attributed to [[Theodore Roosevelt]] in ''Life of William McKinley'' (1901) by Samuel Fallows, and could be derived from the remarks of [[Ulysses S. Grant]] in his First Inaugural Address (4 March 1869): &quot;I know no method to secure the repeal of bad or obnoxious laws so effective as their stringent execution&quot;.

* The only person who is a worse liar than a faith healer is his patient.
** Quoted in Victor J. Stenger (1990), ''Physics and Psychics''

* I care not much for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not the better for it.
** Attributed to Lincoln in Mark Gold (1998), ''Animal century ''. Also attributed to [[w:Rowland Hill (preacher)|Rowland Hill]] in Henry Woodcock (1879), ''Wonders of Grace''

* You cannot escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today.
** Quoted in Vernon K. McLellan (2000) ''Wise Words and Quotes''

* Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.
** Widely attributed to Lincoln, this appears to be derived from [[Thomas Carlyle]]'s general comment below, but there are similar quotes ''about'' Lincoln in his biographies.
*** '''Adversity is sometimes hard upon a man; but for one man who can stand prosperity, there are a hundred that will stand adversity.'''
**** [[Thomas Carlyle]] (1841) ''On Heroes and Hero Worship''.
*** Any man can stand adversity — only a great man can stand prosperity.
**** [[w:Horatio Alger, Jr.|Horatio Alger]] (1883), ''Abraham Lincoln: The Backwoods Boy; or, How a Young Rail-Splitter became President''
*** Most people can bear adversity; but if you wish to know what a man really is give him power. This is the supreme test. It is the glory of Lincoln that, having almost absolute power, he never used it except on the side of mercy.
**** [[w:Robert G. Ingersoll|Robert G. Ingersoll]] (1883), Unity: Freedom, Fellowship and Character in Religion, Volume 11, Number 3, The Exchange Table, True Greatness Exemplified in Abraham Lincoln, by Robert G. Ingersoll (excerpt), Quote Page 55, Column 1 and 2, Chicago, Illinois. ([https://books.google.com/books?id=JUIrAAAAYAAJ&amp;q=%22man+really%22#v=snippet&amp; Google Books Full View])
*** If you want to discover just what there is in a man — give him power.
**** Francis Trevelyan Miller (1910), ''Portrait Life of Lincoln: Life of Abraham Lincoln, the Greatest American''
** Any man can handle adversity. If you truly want to test a man's character, give him power.
*** Attributed in the electronic game ''[[Infamous]]''

* And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.
** This quote is often misattributed to Lincoln. The earliest instance that Quote Investigator could locate was &quot;in an advertisement in 1947 for a book about aging by Edward J. Stieglitz, M.D&quot;. The advertisement for “The Second Forty Years” which ran in the Chicago Tribune newspaper read like this: The important thing to you is not how many years in your life, but how much life in your years! (Compare 1947 March 16, Chicago Tribune, “How Long Do You Plan to Live?”, [Advertisement for the book &quot;The Second Forty Years&quot; by Edward J. Stieglitz, M.D.], p. C7, Chicago, Illinois. (ProQuest)). [http://quoteinvestigator.com/2012/07/14/life-years-count/ Source of misattribution: ''It’s Not the Years in Your Life That Count. It’s the Life in Your Years - Abraham Lincoln? Adlai Stevenson? Edward J. Stieglitz? Anonymous?'' by Quote Investigator on July 14, 2012]
*** To my way of thinking it is not the years in your life but the life in your years that count in the long run.
**** [[Adlai Stevenson II]], Address at Princeton University, [http://infoshare1.princeton.edu/libraries/firestone/rbsc/mudd/online_ex/stevenson/adlai1954.html &quot;The Educated Citizen&quot; (22 March 1954)]. This has also been paraphrased &quot;What matters most is not the years in your life, but the life in your years&quot; and misattributed to Abraham Lincoln and [[Mae West]].
*** Variant: It is not the years in your life but the life in your years that counts. 
**** [[Adlai Stevenson II]], &quot;If I Were Twenty-One&quot; in ''Coronet'' (December 1955).

* I am a firm believer in the people. If given the truth, they can be depended upon to meet any national crisis. The great point is to bring them the real facts, and beer.
** Misattributed to Lincoln by several authors since about 2000. Source of quote: General Douglas MacArthur is quoted as saying, &quot;Like Abraham Lincoln, I am a firm believer in the people. If given the truth, they can be depended upon to meet any national crisis. The great point is to bring them the real facts&quot; (John Gunther, ''The Riddle of MacArthur'', New York: Harper, 1950, p. 61). By the 1970s, the phrase is quoted in several places without the words &quot;Like Abraham Lincoln,&quot; and attributed directly to Lincoln. The additional phrase &quot;and beer&quot; first appears in a list of jokes published online in 1999.

* How many legs does a dog have, if you call a tail a leg?
**His collected works contain no riddle about dog legs, but George W. Julian recounts Lincoln using a similar story about a calf in ''Reminiscences of Abraham Lincoln by distinguished men of his time'' (1909), p. 241: &quot;There are strong reasons for saying that he doubted his right to emancipate under the war power, and he doubtless meant what he said when he compared an Executive order to that effect to 'the Pope’s Bull against the comet.' In discussing the question, he used to liken the case to that of the boy who, when asked how many legs his calf would have if he called its tail a leg, replied, 'Five,' to which the prompt response was made that calling the tail a leg would not make it a leg.&quot;
**A very similar riddle about cow legs was also circulated by Edward Josiah Stearns' ''Notes on Uncle Tom's Cabin'' (1853), p. 46: '&quot;Father,&quot; said one of the rising generation to his paternal progenitor, &quot;if I should call this cow's tail a leg, how many legs would she have?&quot; &quot;Why five, to be sure.&quot; &quot;Why, no, father; would calling it a leg make it one?&quot;'
{{Misattributed end}}

== Quotes about Lincoln ==
[[File:Lee Surrenders to Grant at Appomattox.jpg|thumb|Under his rule, assisted by the greatest captain of our age, and his inspiration, we saw the Confederate States, based upon the idea that [[w:African American|our race]] must be [[Slavery|slaves]], and slaves forever, battered to pieces and scattered to the four winds. ~ [[Frederick Douglass]]]]
[[File:The Peacemakers 1868.jpg|thumb|What we see in the distance is a [[rainbow]] — a [[symbol]] of [[hope]], of the passing of the [[storm]]. The painting's name:''[[w: The Peacemakers|The Peacemakers]]'' … for me, this is a constant reassurance that the cause of [[peace]] will triumph and that ours can be the future that Lincoln gave his life for: a future free of both [[tyranny]] and [[fear]]. ~ [[George H. W. Bush]] ]]
[[File:SlaveChildrenUnknown.jpg|thumb|Abraham Lincoln, President of the United States, walked through the streets of Richmond and respectfully lifted his hat to the men who blacked Louis Wigfall's boots and curried his horse. What did it mean? It meant that the truest American president we have ever had, the companion of Washington in our love and honor, recognized that the poorest man, however outraged, however ignorant, however despised, however black, was, as a man, his equal. ~ [[George William Curtis]]]]
[[File:Abraham Lincoln second inaugural address.jpg|thumb|Lincoln's appeal to &quot;the better angels of our nature&quot; failed to avert a fratricidal war. But the compassionate wisdom of Lincoln's first and second inaugurals bequeathed to the Union, cemented with blood, a moral heritage which, when drawn upon in times of stress and strife, is sure to find specific ways and means to surmount difficulties that may appear to be insurmountable. ~ [[Felix Frankfurter]] ]]
[[File:LINCOLN, Abraham-President (BEP engraved portrait).jpg|thumb|Lincoln asked the nation to confront unblinkingly the legacy of slavery. What were the requirements of justice in the face of this reality? What would be necessary to enable former slaves and their descendants to enjoy fully the pursuit of happiness? Lincoln did not live to provide an answer. A century and a half later, we have yet to do so. ~ [[w:Eric Foner|Eric Foner]] ]]
[[File:Lincoln with Inscription.jpg|thumb|Mr. Lincoln's words show that upon him anxiety and sorrow had wrought their true effect. The address gives evidence of a moral elevation most rare in a statesman, or indeed in any man. ~ [[William Gladstone]] ]]
[[File:Garibal.JPG|thumb|Posterity will call you the great emancipator, a more enviable title than any crown could be, and greater than any merely mundane treasure. ~ [[w:Giuseppe Garibaldi|Giuseppe Garibaldi]] ]]
[[File:Martin Luther King - March on Washington.jpg|thumb|Lincoln achieved immortality because he issued the Emancipation Proclamation. His hesitation had not stayed his hand when historic necessity charted but one course. No President can be great, or even fit for office, if he attempts to accommodate to injustice to maintain his political balance. ~ [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]]]]
[[File:AL1860.jpg|thumb|Come all you true friends of the nation, attend to humanity's call! Oh aid of the slaves' liberation and roll on the liberty ball. We'll finish the temple of freedom, and make it capacious within. That all who seek shelter may find it, whatever the hue of their skin. Success to the old fashioned doctrine, that men are created all free, and down with the power of the despot, wherever his stronghold may be. They'll find what, by felling and mauling, our rail-maker statesman can do. For the people are everywhere calling, for Lincoln and Liberty too! ~ &quot;[[w:Lincoln and Liberty|Lincoln and Liberty]]&quot;]]
[[File:LincolnMemorialStatueNight.JPG|thumb|Now he belongs to the ages... ~ [[w:Edwin M. Stanton|Edwin M. Stanton]]]]
[[File:Abraham Lincoln O-55, 1861-crop.jpg|thumb|Abraham Lincoln — who of his own will struck the shackles from the limbs of four millions of people — will be honored thousands of years from now as man's name was never honored before. ~ [[David Dixon Porter]]]]
[[File:PinkertonLincolnMcClernand.jpg|thumb|It seldom helps to wonder how a statesman of one generation would surmount the crisis of another. A statesman deals with concrete difficulties — with things which must be done from day to day. Not often can he frame conscious patterns for the far off future. But the fullness of the stature of Lincoln's nature and the fundamental conflict which events forced upon his Presidency invite us ever to turn to him for help. ~ [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]]]]
[[File:Lincoln burried in 1865.jpg|thumb|Through the years may we live by the wisdom and the humanity of the heart of Abraham Lincoln. ~ [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]] ]]
[[File:Emancipation Day in South Carolina (1863), by Frank Leslie's Illustrated Weekly.png|thumb|Thank God for the iron in the blood of our fathers, the men who upheld the wisdom of Lincoln, and bore sword or rifle in the armies of Grant! Let us, the children of the men who proved themselves equal to the mighty days, let us, the children of the men who carried the great Civil War to a triumphant conclusion, praise the God of our fathers that the ignoble counsels of peace were rejected; that the suffering and loss, the blackness of sorrow and despair, were unflinchingly faced, and the years of strife endured; for in the end the slave was freed. ~ [[Theodore Roosevelt]]]]
[[File:Battle of Gettysburg, by Currier and Ives.png|thumb|If there is not the war, you don't get the great general; if there is not a great occasion, you don't get the great statesman; if Lincoln had lived in times of peace, no one would have known his name now. ~ [[Theodore Roosevelt]]]]
[[File:Lincoln assassination slide c1900.png|thumb|[[Stephen A. Douglas|Douglas]] believed that he would gain political traction among racist Illinois voters, who were white, after all, by associating Lincoln with the cause of black equality. Lincoln's response was thus also an issue of political survival. So was his decision not to publicize his support for limited black suffrage in Louisiana in 1864. He advanced the idea in a private letter, but waited thirteen months until he made his sentiment public, and three days after he made that sentiment public, he fell victim to an assassin's bullet because [[w:John Wilkes Booth|that assassin]] [[Bigotry|could not bear the thought of]] black equality. ~ [[Brooks D. Simpson]]]]
[[File:Assassination of President Lincoln.jpg|thumb|That means nigger citizenship. Now, by God, I will put [[w:Abraham Lincoln|him]] through. That will be the last speech [[w:Abraham Lincoln|he]] will ever make. ~ [[w:John Wilkes Booth|John Wilkes Booth]]]]
[[File:Lincoln's Tomb.JPG|thumb|It never occurs to some politicians that Lincoln is worth imitating as well as quoting. ~ Anonymous]]
:&lt;small&gt;These are arranged alphabetically by author, followed by some of the more notable anonymous quotations about him.&lt;/small&gt;

* I did more for the [[Russia]]n serf in giving him land as well as personal liberty, than [[United States|America]] did for the negro slave set free by the proclamation of [[w:Abraham Lincoln|President Lincoln]]. I am at a loss to understand how you [[United States|Americans]] could have been so blind as to leave the negro slave without tools to work out his salvation. In giving him personal liberty, you have him an obligation to perform to the state which he must be unable to fulfill. Without property of any kind he cannot educate himself and his children. I believe the time must come when many will question the manner of American emancipation of the negro slaves in 1863. The vote, in the hands of an ignorant man, without either property or self respect, will be used to the damage of the people at large; for the rich man, without honor or any kind of patriotism, will purchase it, and with it swamp the rights of a free people.
** [[Alexander II of Russia|Alexander II]], emperor of Russia, conversation with Wharton Barker, Pavlovski Palace (August 17, 1879); reported in Barker, &quot;The Secret of Russia's Friendship&quot;, ''The Independent'' (March 24, 1904), p. 647

* The Illinois State Republican Convention met at Bloomington on May 29, 1856. It furnished the setting for one of the most dramatic episodes of Lincoln's life … A speech by Lincoln was rarely an ordinary occurrence, but on this occasion he made one of the really great efforts of his life. So powerful was his eloquence that the reporters forgot to take notes of what he was saying. Several commenced, but in a few minutes they were entirely captured by the speaker's power, and their pencils were still.
** Paul M. Angle, on [[w: Lincoln's Lost Speech| Lincoln's Lost Speech]], as quoted in [http://rogerjnorton.com/Lincoln63.html Abraham Lincoln's Lost Speech]

*'''What will be the result to the institution of slavery, which will follow submission to the inauguration and administration of Mister Lincoln as the President of one section of the Union? My candid opinion is, that it will be the total abolition of slavery'''... I do not doubt, therefore, that '''submission to the administration of Mister Lincoln will result in the final abolition of slavery. If we fail to resist now, we will never again have the strength''' to resist.
**[[w:Joseph E. Brown|Joseph E. Brown]], [http://www.civilwarcauses.org/jbrown.htm letter] (7 December 1860), as quoted in [http://www.civilwarcauses.org/jbrown.htm ''Secession Debated''], pp. 145-159

* I don't know whether Abraham Lincoln knew exactly what he was doing when he freed the slaves. Perhaps he did it only as a war measure. The war, you remember, dragged along without any heart in it. Nobody seemed to want to fight. There was everything to fight for- the Union, the preservation of a country whole- but the idea of union, even of country, did not seem enough to make men want to fight... There were even plenty of people, accustomed to the small compact nations of Europe, who thought that perhaps this great expanse of America should not be one country, that it might be better if it were divided into nations instead of states. But others were determined that the continual bickering and quarreling between the little nations of Europe should not be repeated here and they were determined to keep the country whole and large, and among these was Abraham Lincoln.
** [[Pearl S. Buck]], ''What America Means to Me'' (1943), p. 192

* The greatest blow for freedom that was ever struck in the world's history, perhaps, was when Abraham Lincoln decided that the slaves of the South were to be free and he freed them. The South collapsed. The gentlemen who could spend their time fighting, sure of supplies from slave-tended lands, began to starve and go ragged. Their homes began to fall into ruin and their families to be hungry. Their morale was broken. The war was really won by the pen upon the paper which wrote these words, &quot;are and henceforward shall be free.&quot;
** [[Pearl S. Buck]], ''What America Means to Me'' (1943), p. 193

* I suppose Abraham Lincoln knew that was what would happen. He was very wise in the ways of men. He knew how people think and feel. Doubtless he knew that deeper than anything else in the hearts of men everywhere is the wish for simple freedom- freedom without any promises even of protection, of food, of security- just freedom. He knew that those people, so long bond, would leave even comfortable sheltered places where masters were kind, if they could only be free.
** [[Pearl S. Buck]], ''What America Means to Me'' (1943), p. 194

* Had [[Japan]] been a tenth as wise as Abraham Lincoln, had [[Hitler]] been a hundredth part as sensible, we today, the United States and England, would not have a chance in this war. Had those two enemies of ours coveted the lands upon subject peoples dwell today and had they whispered the magic word ''freedom'' to those peoples, they might have set half the world against us in a moment. But they have lost because they attacked lands already free, and because they have enslaved peoples accustomed to freedom. By this one thing alone, if by no other, they are doomed. They have misread the hearts and minds of men. By their enslavement of the peoples whom they have made subject by force of arms, they have aroused against themselves a greater force than can be found in any army, in any weapon. It is this- the will of men everywhere to be free. Let us learn today from Abraham Lincoln, as we fight this war still so far from victory. He could not win that war until he lit the fire in the hearts of men and women enslaved. Nothing had been enough to make men rise up and shout aloud for victory until that moment. A few men like war and enjoy it as a game. But most men and all women hate war. They will not fight with their whole hearts unless they are set aflame. And the torch is always the same words. Whisper those words and men and women will shout them aloud and sing them as they march. The words are simple but they are the most potent in the universe- they are the spiritual dynamite of victory. The words? &quot;All persons held as slaves... are and henceforward shall be free.&quot;
** [[Pearl S. Buck]], ''What America Means to Me'' (1943), p. 195

* Perhaps nowhere do we learn more about Lincoln even now than in a portrait that I talked about last month off the coast of Malta before meeting Chairman [[Mikhail Gorbachev|Gorbachev]]. It is, as this one is, by [[w:George Peter Alexander Healy|George Healy]], and hangs on the wall of my office upstairs. And in it you see the agony and the greatness of a man who nightly fell on his knees to ask the help of God. The painting shows two of his generals and an admiral meeting near the end of a war that pitted brother against brother. And '''outside at the moment a battle rages. And yet what we see in the distance is a rainbow — a symbol of hope, of the passing of the storm. The painting's name:''[[w: The Peacemakers|The Peacemakers]]''. And for me, this is a constant reassurance that the cause of peace will triumph and that ours can be the future that Lincoln gave his life for: a future free of both tyranny and fear.'''
** [[George H. W. Bush]], [http://bushlibrary.tamu.edu/research/public_papers.php?id=1411&amp;year=1990&amp;month=01 Remarks Introducing the Presidential Lecture Series (7 January 1990)]

* One space on the wall was reserved for the president's most influential predecessor. I chose Lincoln. He'd had the most trying job of any president, preserving the Union. Some asked why I didn't put Dad's portrait in that spot. &quot;Number forty-one hangs in my heart,&quot; I said. &quot;Sixteen is on the wall.&quot;
** [[George W. Bush]], ''Decision Points'' (2010), p. 108

* '''I think we have reason to thank [[God]] for Abraham Lincoln.''' With all his deficiencies, it must be admitted that he has grown continually.
** [[Lydia Maria Child]], [http://books.google.com/books?id=4b8m7cv3wTIC&amp;pg=PA335#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false letter to George W. Julian] (8 April 1865), as quoted in [http://books.google.com/books?id=4b8m7cv3wTIC&amp;pg=PA335#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false ''The Fiery Trial: Abraham Lincoln and American Slavery''], by Eric Foner, p. 336

*Abraham Lincoln was walking their streets; and, worst of all, that plain, honest-hearted man was recognizing the 'niggers' as human beings by returning their salutations! The walk was long, and the President halted a moment to rest. 'May de good Lord bless you, President Linkum!' said an old negro, removing his hat, and bowing with tears of joy rolling down his cheeks. The President removed his own hat, and bowed in silence; but it was a bow which upset the forms, laws, customs, and ceremonies of centuries. It was a death-shock to chivalry, and a mortal wound to caste. Recognize a nigger! Faugh! A woman in an adjoining house beheld it, and turned from the scene in unspeakable disgust. There were men in the crowd who had daggers in their eyes; but the chosen assassin was not there, the hour for the damning work had not come, and that great-hearted man passed on to the executive mansion of the late Confederacy.
**[[w:Charles Carleton Coffin|Charles Carleton Coffin]], [http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/1865/06/late-scenes-in-richmond/308767/ ''The Atlantic''] (June 1865)

*We have never for a moment doubted that Mr. Lincoln, in whom there never was an impulse of unlawful ambition, a shadow of dishonesty, a wish that was not for the welfare of his country ... is, his errors and faults all included, the wisest, the safest, the most unselfish — the man most fitted for the time in which he lives, and for the desperate dangers against which he contends.
**[http://articles.chicagotribune.com/2013-11-19/opinion/ct-lincoln-gettysburg-edit-1119-20131119_1_gettysburg-address-150-years-speech ''The Chicago Daily Tribune'']

*There are people who always want to get rid of anyone who is doing good for the world - like [[Martin Luther King, Jr.|Martin Luther King]], or [[John F. Kennedy|President Kennedy]]; it always happens. Abraham Lincoln was assassinated because he had a vision of right relationships for humanity. 
**[[Benjamin Creme]], [https://www.share-international.org/archives/M_emergence/faq_M_emergence.htm ''Maitreya's Emergence FAQ, Share International,''] (April 1999)

* '''Abraham Lincoln, President of the United States, walked through the streets of Richmond and respectfully lifted his hat to the men who blacked Louis Wigfall's boots and curried his horse. What did it mean? It meant that the truest American president we have ever had, the companion of Washington in our love and honor, recognized that the poorest man, however outraged, however ignorant, however despised, however black, was, as a man, his equal'''. The child of the American people was their most prophetic man, because, whether as small shop-keeper, as flat-boatman, as volunteer captain, as honest lawyer, as defender of the Declaration, as President of the United States, he knew by the profoundest instinct and the widest experience and reflection, that in the most vital faith of this country it is just as honorable for an honest man to curry a horse and black a boot as it is to raise cotton or corn, to sell molasses or cloth, to practice medicine or law, to gamble in stocks or speculate in petroleum. He knew the European doctrine that the king makes the gentleman; but he believed with his whole soul the doctrine, the American doctrine, that worth makes the man.
** [[George William Curtis]], as quoted in [https://archive.org/details/orationsandaddr03curtgoog &quot;The Good Fight&quot;] (1865)

*The first duty of a government is to be true to itself. This does not mean perfection, it means a plan to strive for perfection. It means loyalty to ideals. The ideals of America were set out in the Declaration of Independence and adopted in the Constitution. They did not represent perfection at hand, but perfection found. The fundamental principle was freedom. The fathers knew that this was not yet apprehended. They formed a government firm in the faith that it was ever to press toward this high mark. In selfishness, in greed, in lust for gain, it turned aside. Enslaving others, it became itself enslaved. Bondage in one part consumed freedom in all parts. The government of the fathers, ceasing to be true to itself, was perishing. Five score and ten years ago, that divine providence which infinite repetition has made only the more a miracle, sent into the world a new life destined to save a nation. No star, no sign foretold his coming. About his cradle all was poor and mean, save only the source of all great men, the love of a wonderful woman. When she faded away in his tender years from her deathbed in humble poverty, she endowed her son with greatness. There can be no proper observance of a birthday which forgets the mother. Into his origin, as into his life, men long have looked and wondered. In wisdom great, but in humility greater, in justice strong, but in compassion stronger, he became a leader of men by being a follower of the truth. He overcame evil with good. His presence filled the nation. He broke the might of oppression. He restored a race to its birthright. His mortal frame has vanished, but his spirit increases with the increasing years the richest legacy of the greatest century. Men show by what they worship what they are. It is no accident that before the great example of American manhood, our people stand with respect and reverence. In Abraham Lincoln is revealed our ideal; the hope of our country fulfilled. He was the incarnation of what America was to be. Through him, the Almighty bestowed upon the nation a new birth of freedom that this dear land of ours might be returned to the health of its fathers. We are the beneficiaries of a life of surpassing service. Wise in wisdom and gentle in gentleness. Freedom has many sides and angles. Human slavery has been swept away. With security of personal rights has come security of property rights. The freedom of the human mind is recognized in the right to free speech and free press. The public schools have made education possible for all and ignorance a disgrace. In political affairs, the vote of the humblest has long counted for as much as the vote of the most exalted. We are working towards the day when, in our industrial life, equal honor shall fall to equal endeavor. 
**[[Calvin Coolidge]], [[s:Duty of Government|&quot;Duty of Government&quot;]] (1920)

* In this temple &lt;br /&gt; As in the hearts of the people &lt;br /&gt; For whom he saved the Union &lt;br /&gt; The memory of Abraham Lincoln &lt;br /&gt; Is enshrined forever
** [[w:Royal Cortissoz|Royal Cortissoz]], inscription above the statute of Lincoln at the Lincoln Memorial, Washington, D.C. ''The Washington Star'' (April 20, 1976), p. D1–D2. Cortissoz was art critic of the ''New York Herald Tribune''

*Abraham Lincoln and others recoiled from the idea of government as a prop for the rich. In organizing the [[Republican Party (United States)|Republican Party]], they highlighted the [[equality of opportunity]] promised in the Declaration of Independence and warned that a healthy economy depended on widespread prosperity. Northerners and hardscrabble westerners flocked to that vision, and elected Lincoln to the White House in 1860.
**[[Heather Cox Richardson]], as quoted in [http://www.nytimes.com/2014/09/04/opinion/bring-back-the-party-of-lincoln.html?_r=0 &quot;Bring Back the Party of Lincoln&quot;] (3 September 2014), by H. Cox Richardson, ''The New York Times'', New York

* [[w:Abraham Lincoln|Abraham Lincoln]], the country's first Republican president, led the Union to victory in the Civil War and put slavery on the road to extinction. After the war, the GOP was responsible for constitutional amendments that finished off slavery, made African Americans citizens and put the ballot in the hands of black men. It is one of the great tragedies of our time that that party, the party of Lincoln and liberty, is long gone.
**[[w:Berry Craig|Berry Craig]], as quoted in [https://www.laprogressive.com/modern-day-jim-crow-laws/ &quot;Jim Crow: The Dirty Bird Flies Again&quot;] (30 March 2014), by B. Craig, ''LA Progressive''

*Abraham Lincoln was a noble man, but he was not an abolitionist, and what he said in reference  to the Negro was with due regard to his circumscribed environs, and, for the time, was doubtless the quintessence of wisdom, but he was not an oracle who spoke for all coming ages, and we are not bound by what he thought prudent to say in a totally different situation half a century ago. 
**[[Eugene V. Debs]], &quot;The Negro and His Nemesis&quot; (1908)

* '''The characteristic which struck me most was his superabundance of common sense. His power of managing men, of deciding and avoiding difficult questions, surpassed that of any man I ever met.''' A keen insight of human nature had been cultivated by the trials and struggles of his early life. He knew the people and how to reach them better than any man of his time. I heard him tell a great many stories, many of which would not do exactly for the drawing-room; but for the person he wished to reach, and the object he desired to accomplish with the individual, the story did more than any argument could have done.
** [[Chauncey Depew]], Testimony XXIV in ''Reminiscences of Abraham Lincoln by Distinguished Men of His Time'' (1886) edited by Allen Thorndike Rice

* I told him that he had been somewhat slow in proclaiming equal protection to our colored soldiers and prisoners; and he said that the country needed talking up to that point. He hesitated in regard to it, when he felt that the country was not ready for it. He knew that the colored man throughout this country was a despised man, a hated man, and that if he at first came out with such a proclamation, all the hatred which is poured on the head of the negro race would be visited on his administration. He said that there was preparatory work needed, and that that preparatory work had now been done. And he said, 'Remember this Mr. Douglass; remember that [[w:Battle of Milliken's Bend|Milliken's Bend]], [[w:Siege of Port Hudson|Port Hudson]], and [[w:Second Battle of Fort Wagner|Fort Wagner]] are recent events; and that these were necessary to prepare the way for this very proclamation of mine.' I thought it was reasonable, but came to the conclusion that '''while Abraham Lincoln will not go down to posterity as Abraham the Great, or as Abraham the Wise, or as Abraham the Eloquent,—although he is all three—wise, great, and eloquent he will go down to posterity if the country is saved, as Honest Abraham... and going down thus, his name may be written anywhere in this wide world of ours, side by side with that of [[George Washington|Washington]], without disparaging the latter.'''
**[[Frederick Douglass]], (December 4, 1863) 30th Anniversary of the A.A.S.S. ([[w:American Anti-Slavery Society|American Anti-Slavery Society]]), Philadelphia, PA, as quoted by Frederic May Holland, ''Frederick Douglass: the Colored Orator'' (1891) [https://books.google.com/books?id=Ic3TAAAAMAAJ&amp;pg=PA305 pp. 305-306.]

* He treated me as a man... He did not let me feel for a moment that there was any difference in the color of our skins.
**[[Frederick Douglass]], about Abraham Lincoln (1864), as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=cwVkgrvctCcC&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;dq=%22Eric+Foner%22+%22Republicans%22&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0ahUKEwiOwdup3aLLAhVK7SYKHZufDmUQ6AEIRjAH#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false ''Reconstruction: America's Unfinished Revolution, 1863-1877''], by Eric Foner, p. 6.

* I assure you, that this inestimable memento of his Excellency will be retained in my possession while I live — an object of sacred interest — a token not merely of the kind consideration in which I have reason to know that the President was pleased to hold me personally, but as an indication of his humane interest in the welfare of my whole race.
** [[Frederick Douglass]], letter to Mary Todd Lincoln (17 August 1865)

* Under [[w:Abraham Lincoln|his]] wise and beneficent rule we saw ourselves gradually lifted from the depths of [[slavery]] to the heights of [[liberty]] and manhood; under his wise and beneficent rule, and by measures approved and vigorously pressed by him, we saw that the handwriting of ages, in the form of [[Bigotry|prejudice and proscription]], was rapidly fading away from the face of [[United States|our whole country]]; under his rule, and in due time, about as soon after all as the country could tolerate the strange spectacle, we saw our brave sons and brothers laying off the rags of bondage, and being clothed all over in the blue uniforms of the soldiers of the United States; under his rule we saw two hundred thousand of our dark and dusky people responding to the call of Abraham Lincoln, and with muskets on their shoulders, and eagles on their buttons, timing their high footsteps to liberty and union under the national flag; under his rule we saw the independence of the black republic of [[Haiti]], the special object of slave-holding aversion and horror, fully recognized, and her minister, a colored gentleman, duly received here in the city of Washington; under his rule we saw the internal slave-trade, which so long disgraced the nation, abolished, and slavery abolished in the District of Columbia; under his rule we saw for the first time the law enforced against the foreign slave trade, and the first slave-trader hanged like any other pirate or murderer; '''under his rule, assisted by the greatest captain of our age, and his inspiration, we saw the Confederate States, based upon the idea that our race must be slaves, and slaves forever, battered to pieces and scattered to the four winds; under his rule, and in the fullness of time, we saw Abraham Lincoln, after giving the slave-holders three months' grace in which to save their hateful slave system, penning the immortal paper, which, though special in its language, was general in its principles and effect, making slavery forever impossible in the [[United States]]'''. Though we waited long, we saw all this and more.
**[[Frederick Douglass]], [http://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/document/oration-in-memory-of-abraham-lincoln/ ''Oratory in Memory of Abraham Lincoln''] (14 April 1876), Lincoln Park, Washington, D.C.

* Viewed from the genuine abolition ground, Mister Lincoln seemed tardy, cold, dull, and indifferent; but measuring him by the sentiment of his country, a sentiment he was bound as a statesman to consult, he was swift, zealous, radical, and determined. Though Mister Lincoln shared the prejudices of his white fellow-countrymen against the Negro, '''it is hardly necessary to say that in his heart of hearts he loathed and hated [[slavery]]'''... Timid men said before Mister Lincoln's inauguration, that we have seen the last president of the [[United States]]. A voice in influential quarters said, 'Let the Union slide'. Some said that a Union maintained by the sword was worthless. Others said a rebellion of eight million cannot be suppressed; but in the midst of all this tumult and timidity, and '''against all this, Abraham Lincoln was clear in his duty, and had an oath in heaven. He calmly and bravely heard the voice of doubt and fear all around him; but he had an oath in heaven, and there was not power enough on earth to make this honest boatman, backwoodsman, and broad-handed splitter of rails evade or violate that sacred oath'''.... Surveying the end from the beginning, infinite wisdom has seldom sent any man into the world better fitted for his mission than Abraham Lincoln. His birth, his training, and his natural endowments, both mental and physical, were strongly in his favor. Born and reared among the lowly, a stranger to wealth and luxury, compelled to grapple single-handed with the flintiest hardships of life, from tender youth to sturdy manhood, he grew strong in the manly and heroic qualities demanded by the great mission to which he was called by the votes of his countrymen. The hard condition of his early life, which would have depressed and broken down weaker men, only gave greater life, vigor, and buoyancy to the heroic spirit of Abraham Lincoln. He was ready for any kind and any quality of work. What other young men dreaded in the shape of toil, he took hold of with the utmost cheerfulness.
**[[Frederick Douglass]], [http://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/document/oration-in-memory-of-abraham-lincoln/ ''Oratory in Memory of Abraham Lincoln''] (14 April 1876), Lincoln Park, Washington, D.C.

* '''Can any colored man, or any white man friendly to the freedom of all men, ever forget the night which followed the first day of January 1863, when the world was to see if Abraham Lincoln would prove to be as good as his word? I shall never forget that memorable night''', when in a distant city I waited and watched at a public meeting, with three thousand others not less anxious than myself, for the word of deliverance which we have heard read today. Nor shall I ever forget the outburst of joy and thanksgiving that rent the air when the lightning brought to us the emancipation proclamation. In that happy hour we forgot all delay, and forgot all tardiness, forgot that the President had bribed the rebels to lay down their arms by a promise to withhold the bolt which would smite the slave-system with destruction; and we were thenceforward willing to allow the President all the latitude of time, phraseology, and every honorable device that statesmanship might require for the achievement of a great and beneficent measure of liberty and progress.
**[[Frederick Douglass]], [http://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/document/oration-in-memory-of-abraham-lincoln/ &quot;Oratory in Memory of Abraham Lincoln&quot; (14 April 1876), The Freedmen's Monument, Lincoln Park, Washington, D.C.]&lt;!--[https://web.archive.org/web/20150302203311/http://www.lib.rochester.edu/index.cfm?PAGE=4071#_ftnref57 About Abraham Lincoln].--&gt;

*Had Abraham Lincoln died from any of the numerous ills to which flesh is heir; had he reached that good old age of which his vigorous constitution and his temperate habits gave promise; had he been permitted to see the end of his great work; had the solemn curtain of death come down but gradually, we should still have been smitten with a heavy grief, and treasured his name lovingly. But dying as he did die, by the red hand of violence, killed, assassinated, taken off without warning, not because of personal hate, for '''no man who knew Abraham Lincoln could hate him, but because of his fidelity to [[United States|union]] and liberty, he is doubly dear to us, and his memory will be precious forever'''. 
**[[Frederick Douglass]], [http://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/document/oration-in-memory-of-abraham-lincoln/ ''Oratory in Memory of Abraham Lincoln''] (14 April 1876), Lincoln Park, Washington, D.C.

* The south was not far behind the north in recognizing [[w:Abraham Lincoln|Abraham Lincoln]] as the natural leader of the rising political sentiment of the country against [[slavery]], and it was equally quick in its efforts to counteract and destroy his influence. Its papers teemed with the bitterest invectives against the 'backwoodsman of Illinois', the 'flat-boatman', the 'rail-splitter', the 'third-rate lawyer', '''and much else and worse'''. 
** [[Frederick Douglass]], [https://archive.org/stream/lifetimesoffrede1881doug/lifetimesoffrede1881doug_djvu.txt ''Life and Times of Frederick Douglass''] (1881), p. 364

* Mr. [[w:Abraham Lincoln|Lincoln]] was not only a great President, but a ''great man'' — too great to be small in anything. '''In his company I was never in any way reminded of my humble origin, or of my unpopular color.'''
** [[Frederick Douglass]], ''Life and Times of Frederick Douglass'' (1892), Part 2, Chapter 12: Hope for the Nation

* You know that in his Charleston speech, an extract from which he has read, he declared that the negro belongs to an inferior race; is physically inferior to the white man, and should always be kept in an inferior position. I will now read to you what he said at Chicago on that point. In concluding his speech at that place, he remarked, 'My friends, I have detained you about as long as I desire to do, and I have only to say let us discard all this quibbling about this man and the other man-this race and that race, and the other race being inferior, and therefore they must be placed in an inferior position, discarding our standard that we have left us. Let us discard all these things, and unite as one people throughout this land until we shall once more stand up declaring that all men are created equal'... &lt;!--[Taken from Lincoln’s speech in Chicago, July 10 1858 – D.N.] --&gt;He declared that all distinctions of race must be discarded and blotted out, because the negro stood on an equal footing with the white man; that if one man said the Declaration of Independence did not mean a negro when it declared all men created equal, that another man would say that it did not mean another man; and hence we ought to discard all difference between the negro race and all other races, and declare them all created equal.
**[[Stephen A. Douglas]], [https://cwcrossroads.wordpress.com/2011/01/18/race-and-slavery-north-and-south-some-logical-fallacies/#comment-47553 Sixth Lincoln-Douglas debate], (13 October 1860), Quincy, Illinois

*When Lincoln, in the darkest days of the war, referred to America as the 'last best hope of earth', he was hardly boasting.
**Don Doyle, [http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/05/19/how-the-civil-war-changed-the-world/ &quot;How the Civil War Changed the World&quot;] (19 May 2015), ''The New York Times''

* Once he called upon General McClellan, and the President went over to the General's house — a process which I assure you has been reversed long since — and General McClellan decided he did not want to see the President, and went to bed. &lt;br /&gt; Lincoln's friends criticized him severely for allowing a mere General to treat him that way. And he said, &quot;All I want out of General McClellan is a victory, and if to hold his horse will bring it, I will gladly hold his horse.&quot;
** [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]], [http://www.eisenhowermemorial.org/speeches/19540423%20Remarks%20at%20the%20Birthplace%20of%20Abraham%20Lincoln.htm &quot;Remarks at the Birthplace of Abraham Lincoln&quot;], Hodgenville, Kentucky April 23, 1954. The story [http://books.google.com/books?id=AsrfAAAAMAAJ&amp;pg=PA128 originates] from F. A. Mitchel, son and aide of General Mitchel.

*There is no reason to doubt Mister Lincoln's perfect sincerity and his earnest belief in the doctrines which are held by the great majority of his countrymen.
**[https://books.google.com/books?id=uAouAAAAYAAJ&amp;pg=PA87&amp;dq=%22as+was+said&quot; &quot;English Opinion on the Inaugural&quot;] (18 March 1865), ''The Spectator''

*He truly admitted the justice of my remarks, that he believed the exclusion of Jewish chaplains to have been altogether unintentional on the part of Congress (and) that something ought to be done to meet this case.
**[https://www.aish.com/ci/s/Abraham-Lincoln-and-the-Jews-10-Fascinating-Facts.html Rabbi Arnold Fischel recollection]

* Humility helps, character counts. Leadership does not knowingly encourage or feed ugly or debased appetites in us. Leadership lives by the American creed, “[[E pluribus unum]].” From many one. American leadership looks to the world and just as Lincoln did, sees the family of man.
** [[Jeff Flake]], Republican senator from Arizona, in a speech on October 24, 2017, announcing he would not be running for re-election in 2018.

* Essentially what Lincoln said is slavery is a form of theft, the theft of labor, one person stealing another person’s labor without that person’s permission. 
** [[w:Eric Foner|Eric Foner]], “Lincoln's Nuanced View of Slavery Explained By Renowned Historian,” Michelle Merlin, ''The Register Citizen'', August 9, 2012 [https://www.registercitizen.com/news/article/Lincoln-s-nuanced-view-of-slavery-explained-by-12077170.php]

*Lincoln genuinely abhorred slavery.
**[[w:Eric Foner|Eric Foner]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=cwVkgrvctCcC&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;dq=%22Eric+Foner%22+%22Republicans%22&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0ahUKEwiOwdup3aLLAhVK7SYKHZufDmUQ6AEIRjAH#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false ''Reconstruction: America's Unfinished Revolution, 1863-1877''], p. 6

*Lincoln shared many of the prevailing prejudices of his era. But, he insisted, there was a bedrock principle of equality that transcended race. The equal right to the fruits of one's labor. There are many grounds for condemning the institution of slavery. Moral, religious, political, economic. Lincoln referred to all of them at one time or another. But ultimately he saw slavery as a form of theft, of one person appropriating the labor of another. Using a black woman as an illustration, he explained the kind of equality in which he believed, 'In some respects she certainly is not my equal; but in her natural right to eat the bread she earns with her own hands without asking leave of any one else, she is my equal, and the equal of all others'. Shortly before the 1860 election, Frederick Douglass offered a succinct summary of the dilemma confronting opponents of slavery like Lincoln, who worked within the political system rather than outside it. Abstractly, Douglass wrote, most northerners would agree that slavery was wrong. The challenge was to find a way of 'translating antislavery sentiment into antislavery action'. The constitution barred interference with slavery in the states where it already existed. For Lincoln, as for most Republicans, antislavery action meant not attacking slavery where it was but working to prevent slavery's westward expansion. Lincoln, however, did talk about a future without slavery. The aim of the Republican Party, he insisted, was to put the institution on the road to 'ultimate extinction', a phrase he borrowed from Henry Clay. Ultimate extinction could take a long time. Lincoln once said that slavery might survive for another hundred years. But to the south, Lincoln seemed as dangerous as an abolitionist, because he was committed to the eventual end of slavery. This was why his election in 1860 led inexorably to secession and civil war.
**[[w:Eric Foner|Eric Foner]], [http://www.ericfoner.com/articles/012609nation.html &quot;Our Lincoln&quot;] (26 January 2009), ''The Nation''

*The hallmarks of Lincoln's greatness were his ability to grow and his willingness to change his mind. During the war, he had come to embrace the Radical position on immediate emancipation and the enlistment of black soldiers, both policies he had initially opposed. In 1864 he privately suggested to Governor Hahn that Louisiana allow some blacks to vote under its new constitution, singling out the educated, propertied free blacks of New Orleans and those who had served in the Union army. In April 1865, shortly before his death, Lincoln for the first time publicly stated his support for this kind of limited black suffrage... [[Andrew Johnson]] lacked Lincoln's qualities of greatness. While Lincoln had been open-minded, willing to listen to criticism, attuned to the currents of northern public opinion, and able to get along with all elements of his party, Johnson was stubborn, deeply [[Racism in the United States|racist]], and insensitive to the opinions of others. If anyone was responsible for the wreck of his presidency, it was Johnson himself.
** {{w|Eric Foner}}, [https://web.archive.org/web/20120616125206/http://www.americanheritage.com/content/if-lincoln-hadn%E2%80%99t-died &quot;If Lincoln Hadn’t Died&quot;] (2009), ''American Heritage''

* Lincoln asked the nation to confront unblinkingly the legacy of slavery. What were the requirements of justice in the face of this reality? What would be necessary to enable former slaves and their descendants to enjoy fully the pursuit of happiness? Lincoln did not live to provide an answer. A century and a half later, we have yet to do so.
**[[w:Eric Foner|Eric Foner]], [http://www.nytimes.com/2013/01/01/opinion/the-emancipation-of-abe-lincoln.html?ref=opinion&amp;_r=0 &quot;The Emancipation of Abe Lincoln&quot;] (31 December 2012), ''The New York Times'', New York

* Lincoln was fascinated and disturbed by the writings of proslavery ideologues like [[George Fitzhugh]]. The southern critique of [[wage slavery]] catalyzed in Lincoln a defense of [[free society]]. Most northerners, he insisted, were &quot;neither ''hirers'' nor ''hired'',&quot; but worked &quot;for themselves, on their farms, in their houses, and in their shops, taking the whole product to themselves, and asking no favors of [[capital]] on the one hand, nor hirelings or slaves on the other.&quot; Wage earners were generally young &quot;beginners,&quot; hired &quot;by their own consent&quot;; contrary to southern charges, they were not &quot;fatally fixed in that condition for life.&quot; Yet even Lincoln's eloquent exposition could not escape free labor's inherent ambiguities. Was wage labor a normal, acceptable part of the northern social order or a temporary status, associated with the lack of genuine freedom?
** [[Eric Foner]], ''The Story of American Freedom'' (1998), p. 68

* '''Lincoln's appeal to &quot;the better angels of our nature&quot; failed to avert a fratricidal war. But the compassionate wisdom of Lincoln's first and second inaugurals bequeathed to the Union, cemented with blood, a moral heritage which, when drawn upon in times of stress and strife, is sure to find specific ways and means to surmount difficulties that may appear to be insurmountable.'''
** [[Felix Frankfurter]], Concurring, ''Cooper v. Aaron'', 358 U.S. 1 (1958).

* '''Posterity will call you the great emancipator, a more enviable title than any crown could be, and greater than any merely mundane treasure.'''
** [[w:Giuseppe Garibaldi|Giuseppe Garibaldi]], 6 August 1863 letter to Lincoln, as quoted in ''Garibaldi (Great Lives Observed)'' by Denis Mack Smith

* '''The party of Lincoln, called the Republican party, under its present name and organization is of recent origin. It is admitted to be an anti-slavery party''', while it attracts to itself by its creed, the scattered advocates of exploded political heresies, of condemned theories in political economy, the advocates of commercial restrictions, of protection, of special privileges, of waste and corruption in the administration of Government; anti-slavery is its mission and its purpose.
**''[[s:Georgia Declaration of Causes of Secession|Georgia Declaration of Causes of Secession]]'' (January 1861)

* It required no effort on [[w:Abraham Lincoln|his]] part to admit another man's superiority, and [[w:Abraham Lincoln|his]] admission that [[Ulysses S. Grant|General Grant]] was right and [[w:Abraham Lincoln|he]] was wrong about operations in Vicksburg was not intended for effect as some suppose, but was perfectly in character.
**[[w:Joseph Gillespie|Joseph Gillespie]], [http://www.abrahamlincolnonline.org/lincoln/speeches/grant.htm letter] (December 1866)

* I am taken captive by so striking an utterance as this. I see in it the effect of sharp trial when rightly borne to raise men to a higher level of thought and feeling. It is by cruel suffering, that nations are sometimes born to a better life: so it is with individual men. '''Mr. Lincoln's words show that upon him anxiety and sorrow had wrought their true effect. The address gives evidence of a moral elevation most rare in a statesman, or indeed in any man.'''
** [[William Gladstone]], upon Lincoln's second inaugural address, as quoted in &quot;Recollections of Lincoln&quot; by James Grant Wilson in ''Putnam's Magazine'' Vol. 5, No. 6 (March 1909)

* If it wasn't for Abe Lincoln, I'd still be on the open market.
** [[Dick Gregory]], ''From the Back of the Bus'' (1962), p. 7

*We admired and loved him on many accounts, for strong and various reasons. '''We admired his childlike simplicity, his freedom from guile and deceit, his staunch and sterling integrity, his kind and forgiving temper, his industry and patience, his persistent, self-sacrificing devotion to all the duties of his eminent position, from the least to the greatest; his readiness to hear and consider the cause of the poor and humble, the suffering and the oppressed; his charity toward those who questioned the correctness of his opinions and the wisdom of his policy; his wonderful skill in reconciling differences among the friends of the Union, leading them away from abstractions, and inducing them to work together and harmoniously for the common weal; his true and enlarged philanthropy, that knew no distinction of color or race, but regarded all men as brethren''', and endowed alike by their Creator 'with certain inalienable rights, among which are life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness'; his inflexible purpose that what freedom had gained in our terrible civil strife should never be lost, and that the end of the war should be the end of slavery, and, as a consequence, of rebellion; his readiness to spend and be spent for the attainment of such a triumph, a triumph, the blessed fruits of which shall be as wide-spreading as the earth and as enduring as the sun, all these things commanded and fixed our admiration and the admiration of the world, and stamped upon his character and life the unmistakable impress of greatness.
**[[w:Phineas Densmore Gurley|P. Densmore Gurley]], [http://www.abrahamlincolnonline.org/lincoln/speeches/gurley.htm White House Funeral Sermon for President Lincoln] (19 April 1865)

*The presidential election of 1864, occurring after the spectacular Union military successes at Mobile Bay and in Georgia and the Shenandoah Valley, reaffirmed the northern majority's commitment to the suppression of the rebellion in the South and the restoration of the Union without slavery. Arguably, Abraham Lincoln's victory owed more to the Northern rejection of the Democratic Party's war-failure platform and its call for an armistice preparatory to a national peace convention than to the voters' confidence in the president's leadership.
**[[w:William C. Harris|William C. Harris]], as quoted in [http://quod.lib.umich.edu/j/jala/2629860.0021.104?rgn=main;view=fulltext &quot;The Hampton Roads Peace Conference: A Final Test of Lincoln's Presidential Leadership&quot;] (2000), ''Journal of the Abraham Lincoln Association'', pp. 30-61

* Although Lincoln was by today's standards a &quot;moderate&quot; Republican... he famously said, &quot;Labor is superior to capital because it precedes capital&quot;—nobody was wealthy until somebody made something—and was the first president both to use the word &quot;strike&quot; and to actually stop police and private armies from killing and beating strikers...
** [[Thom Hartmann]], ''Unequal Protection: How Corporations Became &quot;People&quot;—and How You Can Fight Back''   (2018) Introduction: The Battle to Save Democracy.

*As to Mr. Lincoln's name and fame and memory, — all is safe. His firmness, moderation, goodness of heart; his quaint humor, his perfect honesty and directness of purpose; his logic his modesty his sound judgment, and great wisdom; the contrast between his obscure beginnings and the greatness of his subsequent position and achievements; his tragic death, giving him almost the crown of martyrdom, elevate him to a place in history second to none other of ancient or modern times. His success in his great office, his hold upon the confidence and affections of his countrymen, we shall all say are only second to Washington’s; we shall probably feel and think that they are not second even to his.
**[[Rutherford B. Hayes|Rutherford Hayes]], as quoted in ''letter to Lucy Webb Hayes'' (16 April 1865)

*153 years ago, had we been sitting on these heights, looking over this river in the midst of civil war, we would likely have seen something curious on the river. Rafts, hastily made, barely water-worthy, bearing families with all their possessions, pushing themselves across the river from Fredericksburg to this shore. These were former slaves, run away from bondage. They came here seeking precisely what you have achieved today. By their coming, months before the emancipation proclamation, they were doing what Americans have always done. They challenged America, as if to say, 'We have left bondage to be free. What will you do with us now?' '''In the spring and summer of 1862, as many as ten thousand former slaves crossed the Rappahannock River to freedom, some of them likely walking these terraces in freedom, looking down upon the river as others followed their path. These men and women and babies and toddlers and boys and girls did not see their acts as momentous for anyone but themselves, but today we can see that their acts were momentous in many ways. By challenging America to accept their determination that they would no longer suffer bondage, they pushed the nation along that arc toward justice, away from oppression.Seven months later, Abraham Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation. And three years after that Congress sent to the states the Fourteenth Amendment, according these former slaves the thing they aspired to most beyond freedom. Citizenship'''. These people did not just walk the path to citizenship, they blazed a trail where none had existed. They, like you, were determined, courageous souls. I hope you will find inspiration from them, just as we derive inspiration from you. We congratulate you. We join you in celebrating life as Americans. And, we welcome you to the noisy business of being a citizen. And now, mindful that the virtues of our nation come from its people, we bid you, our nation’s newest citizen, to go challenge America to be better still.
**[[w:John Hennessey|John Hennessey]], [https://fredericksburghistory.wordpress.com/2015/06/09/history-citizenship-and-a-better-nation/#more-2399 naturalization speech] (June 2015)

* Now let it be written in history and on Mr. Lincoln's tombstone: &quot;He died an unbeliever.&quot;
** [[w:William H. Herndon|William H. Herndon]], [[w:Abraham Lincoln|Abraham Lincoln]]'s law partner in Springfield since 1844, on Lincoln's religion. ''Abraham Lincoln: The True Story of a Great Life'', 1896. Quoted in ''Freethinkers'' by [[w:Susan Jacoby|Susan Jacoby]], 2004

*Come all you true friends of the nation, attend to humanity's call! '''Oh aid of the slaves' liberation and roll on the liberty ball.''' We'll finish the temple of freedom, and make it capacious within. '''That all who seek shelter may find it, whatever the hue of their skin.''' Success to the old fashioned doctrine, that men are created all free, and down with the power of the despot, wherever his stronghold may be. They'll find what, by felling and mauling, our rail-maker statesman can do. For the people are everywhere calling, '''for Lincoln and Liberty too.'''
**[[w:Jesse Hutchinson|Jesse Hutchinson]], &quot;[[w:Lincoln and Liberty|For Lincoln and Liberty Too]]&quot;

*Notwithstanding a mendacious press; notwithstanding a subsidized gang of hirelings who have not ceased to traduce me, I have discharged all my official duties and fulfilled my pledges. And I say here tonight that if [[w:Abraham Lincoln|my predecessor]] had lived, the vials of wrath would have poured out upon him.'''
**[[Andrew Johnson]], speech in Cleveland, Ohio (3 September 1866)

*It's a long slog until we realize the dream Lincoln saw for us, but it won't be for lack of trying, as we inch, little to little, to the land where all men are created equal.
**Charles Johnson, [http://www.claremontconservative.com/2008/09/jaffas-thoughts-on-gop-twelve-years.html &quot;Jaffa's Thoughts on the GOP, Twelve Years Later&quot;] (September 2008), ''The Claremont Conservative''

*As a man whose roots go deeply into Southern soil I know how agonizing racial feelings are. I know how difficult it is to reshape the attitudes and the structure of our society. But '''a century has passed, more than a hundred years, since the Negro was freed. And he is not fully free tonight. It was more than a hundred years ago that [[w:Abraham Lincoln|Abraham Lincoln]], a great president of another party, signed the Emancipation Proclamation, but emancipation is a proclamation and not a fact. A century has passed, more than a hundred years, since equality was promised. And yet the Negro is not equal. A century has passed since the day of promise. And the promise is unkept. The time of justice has now come. I tell you that I believe sincerely that no force can hold it back. It is right in the eyes of man and God that it should come.''' And when it does, I think that day will brighten the lives of every American.
**[[Lyndon B. Johnson|Lyndon Johnson]], [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=26805&amp;st=&amp;st1=#axzz2foHNK9TC ''The American Promise''] (15 March 1965), Washington, D.C.

* What would Lincoln have been without the Civil War? Just another railroad lawyer!
** [[John F. Kennedy]] to [[Gore Vidal]], quoted in David Swanson's ''Daybreak: Undoing the Imperial Presidency and Forming a More Perfect Union'' (2011)

* '''When Abraham Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation it was not the act of an opportunistic politician issuing a hollow pronouncement to placate a pressure group. Our truly great presidents were tortured deep in their hearts by the race question.''' [...] '''Lincoln’s torments are well known, his vacillations were facts.''' In the seething cauldron of ‘62 and ‘63 Lincoln was called the &quot;Baboon President&quot; in the North, and &quot;coward&quot;, &quot;assassin&quot; and &quot;savage&quot; in the South. Yet he searched his way to the conclusions embodied in these words, '''&quot;[[Abraham Lincoln#Second_State_of_the_Union_address_.281862.29|In giving freedom to the slave we assure freedom to the free, honorable alike in what we give and what we preserve.]]&quot; On this moral foundation he personally prepared the first draft of the Emancipation Proclamation, and to emphasize the decisiveness of his course he called his cabinet together and declared he was not seeking their advice as to its wisdom but only suggestions on subject matter. Lincoln achieved immortality because he issued the Emancipation Proclamation. His hesitation had not stayed his hand when historic necessity charted but one course. No President can be great, or even fit for office, if he attempts to accommodate to injustice to maintain his political balance.'''
** [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], ''[http://www.nps.gov/anti/historyculture/mlk-ep.htm Emancipation Proclamation Centennial Address]'' at the New York Civil War Centennial Commission’s Emancipation Proclamation Observance, New York City, (12 September 1962) 

* Five score years ago, a great American, in whose symbolic shadow we stand today, signed the Emancipation Proclamation. This momentous decree came as a great beacon light of hope to millions of Negro slaves who had been seared in the flames of withering injustice. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of their captivity.
** [[Martin Luther King Jr.]], &quot;[[w:I Have a Dream|I Have a Dream]]&quot; speech (28 August 1963), at the [[w:Lincoln Memorial|Lincoln Memorial]]

* '''Love transforms with redemptive power. &lt;br /&gt; Lincoln tried love and left for all history a magnificent drama of reconciliation.''' When he was campaigning for the presidency one of his arch-enemies was a man named [[w:Edwin M. Stanton|Stanton]]. For some reason Stanton hated Lincoln. He used every ounce of his energy to degrade him in the eyes of the public. So deep rooted was Stanton’s hate for Lincoln that he uttered unkind words about his physical appearance, and sought to embarrass him at every point with the bitterest diatribes. But in spite of this Lincoln was elected President of the United States. Then came the period when he had to select his cabinet, which would consist of the persons who would be his most intimate associates in implementing his program. He started choosing men here and there for the various secretaryships. The day finally came for Lincoln to select a man to fill the all-important post of Secretary of War. Can you imagine whom Lincoln chose to fill this post? None other than the man named Stanton. There was an immediate uproar in the inner circle when the news began to spread. Adviser after adviser was heard saying, “Mr. President, you are making a mistake. Do you know this man Stanton? Are you familiar with all of the ugly things he said about you? He is your enemy. He will seek to sabotage your program. Have you thought this through, Mr. President?” Mr. Lincoln’s answer was terse and to the point: “Yes, I know Mr. Stanton. I am aware of all the terrible things he has said about me. But after looking over the nation, I find he is the best man for the job.” So Stanton became Abraham Lincoln’s Secretary of War and rendered an invaluable service to his nation and his President. Not many years later Lincoln was assassinated. Many laudable things were said about him. Even today millions of people still adore him as the greatest of all Americans. [[H. G. Wells]] selected him as one of the six great men of history. But of all the great statements made about Abraham Lincoln, the words of Stanton remain among the greatest. '''Standing near the dead body of the man he once hated, Stanton referred to him as one of the greatest men that ever lived and said “he now belongs to the ages.”''' If Lincoln had hated Stanton both men would have gone to their graves as bitter enemies. But '''through the power of love Lincoln transformed an enemy into a friend. It was this same attitude that made it possible for Lincoln to speak a kind word about the South during the Civil War when feeling was most bitter. Asked by a shocked bystander how he could do this, Lincoln said, “Madam, do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?” This is the power of redemptive love.'''
** [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], in ''[[w:Strength to Love|Strength to Love]]'' (1963), Sermon V : Loving Your Enemies, p. 38

* [[w:African American|Negro]] support for [[Ulysses S. Grant|Grant]] was an expression of hope. '''The fervent belief that only [[Ulysses S. Grant|Grant]] and his [[Republican Party (United States)|Republican Party]], the party of [[w:Abraham Lincoln|Lincoln]], could keep [[United States|America]]'s promise of equal rights for all men. [[w:Abraham Lincoln|Lincoln]] had been the first president to invite [[w:African American|Negro]] participation in the inaugural pageant'''. [[Ulysses S. Grant|Grant]] was the second.
** [[w:Charles Lane (journalist)|Charles Lane]], as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=QfBHIIcwukYC&amp;pg=PA2 ''The Day Freedom Died: The Colfax Massacre, the Supreme Court, and the Betrayal of Reconstruction''] (2008), Henry Holt and Company, LLC, New York City, New York, p. 2

*In 1861, Abraham Lincoln told Congress that the 'leading object' of American government was 'to elevate the condition of men; to lift artificial weights from all shoulders, to clear the paths of laudable pursuit for all, to afford all an unfettered start and a fair chance, in the race of life'. In a single sentence, Lincoln captures the principles of the Republican vision for our country and the essence of what we should strive for when developing and reforming government policy.
**[[w:Mike Lee|Mike Lee]], [http://www.lee.senate.gov/public/index.cfm/the-laudable-pursuit &quot;The Laudable Pursuit&quot;]

*In his life he was a great American. He is no longer so. He is one of those giant figures, of whom there are very few in history, who lose their nationality in death. They are no longer Greek or Hebrew, English or American; they belong to mankind.
**[[David Lloyd George]], speech at the dedication of the Abraham Lincoln statue in Westminster, London (July 28, 1920), quoted in James M. McPherson, ''We Cannot Escape History: Lincoln and the Last Best Hope of Earth'' (2001), pp. 170–171

*Afterward, Vogel invited the audience to come up and be photographed with the re-enactors. I didn't go. I was content just to look down the Mall on that beautiful day, now becoming comfortably warmer. Beyond the reflecting pools, behind the Washington Monument, I could see parts of the Grant sculptures and the wings of the Capitol behind them. It was all very imposing, as befits a great nation. In the aftermath of the morning's program, '''I was free to imagine, now that we let ourselves remember all of [[w:Abraham Lincoln|Lincoln]]'s Second Inaugural, what if the [[United States]] could live up to its moral implications? What if we did construct a society with no unrequited toil? What if we did achieve a just and lasting peace with all nations? An impossible dream? Well, it was a patriotic occasion, and at a place where dreams have been dreamed before.'''
**[[w:James W. Loewen|James W. Loewen]], as quoted in [http://historynewsnetwork.org/blog/153597#_ftn3 &quot;Lincoln's Second Inaugural on its 150th Birthday&quot;] (18 March 2015), ''History News Network''

* Within that door &lt;br /&gt; A man sits or the image of a man &lt;br /&gt; Staring at stillness on a marble floor. &lt;br /&gt; No drum distracts him nor no trumpet can &lt;br /&gt; Although he hears the trumpet and the drum. &lt;br /&gt; He listens for the time to come. &lt;br /&gt; Within this door &lt;br /&gt; A man sits or the image of a man &lt;br /&gt; Remembering the time before. &lt;br /&gt; He hears beneath the river in its choking channel &lt;br /&gt; A deeper river rushing on the stone, &lt;br /&gt; Sits there in his doubt alone, &lt;br /&gt; Discerns the Principle, &lt;br /&gt; The guns begin, &lt;br /&gt; Emancipates — but not the slaves, &lt;br /&gt; The Union — not from servitude but shame: &lt;br /&gt; Emancipates the Union from the monstrous name &lt;br /&gt; Whose infamy dishonored &lt;br /&gt; Even the great Founders in their graves … &lt;br /&gt; &lt;br /&gt; He saves the Union and the dream goes on.
** [[Archibald MacLeish]], &quot;At the Lincoln Memorial&quot;, stanza 4, lines 1–6, and stanza 5, ''New &amp; Collected Poems, 1917–1976'' (1976), p. 433–35. This poem was written for ceremonies marking the centennial of the Emancipation Proclamation and was read by MacLeish at the Lincoln Memorial, Washington, D.C., (22 September 1962)

* When the Norn-mother saw the Whirlwind Hour, &lt;br /&gt; Greatening and darkening as it hurried on, &lt;br /&gt; She bent the strenuous Heavens and came down &lt;br /&gt; To make a man to meet the mortal need. &lt;br /&gt; She took the tried clay of the common road — &lt;br /&gt; Clay warm yet with the genial heat of Earth, &lt;br /&gt; Dashed through it all a strain of prophecy; &lt;br /&gt; Then mixed a laughter with the serious stuff. &lt;br /&gt; It was a stuff to wear for centuries, &lt;br /&gt; A man that matched the mountains, and compelled &lt;br /&gt; The stars to look our way and honor us.
** [[Edwin Markham]], &quot;Lincoln, The Man of the People&quot;, stanza 1, lines 1–11, ''Lincoln &amp; Other Poems'' (1901), p. 3

* And when he fell in whirlwind, he went down &lt;br /&gt; As when a lordly cedar, green with boughs, &lt;br /&gt; Goes down with a great shout upon the hills, &lt;br /&gt; And leaves a lonesome place against the sky.
** [[Edwin Markham]], &quot;Lincoln, the Man of the People&quot;, stanza 4, lines 8–11, ''Lincoln &amp; Other Poems'' (1901), p. 3

* I went to the White House shortly after tea where I found &quot;the original gorilla,&quot; about as intelligent as ever. What a specimen to be at the head of our affairs now!
** General {{w|George B. McClellan}} (17 November 1861), ''The Civil War Papers of George B. McClellan'', [http://books.google.com/books?id=AlPVCK45xo4C&amp;pg=PA135&amp;dq=%22What+a+specimen+to+be+at+the+head+of+our+affairs+now%22 p. 135]. McClellan is said to have often used [[w:Edwin M. Stanton|Edwin M. Stanton]]'s term the &quot;original gorilla&quot; in referring to Lincoln.

* Lincoln’s proclamation is even more important than the Maryland campaign. Lincoln is a ''[[Wiktionary:sui generis|sui generis]]'' figure in the annals of history. He has no initiative, no idealistic impetus, cothurnus, no historical trappings. He gives his most important actions always the most commonplace form. Other people claim to be “fighting for an idea”, when it is for them a matter of square feet of land. Lincoln, even when he is motivated by, an idea, talks about “square feet”. He sings the bravura aria of his part hesitatively, reluctantly and unwillingly, as though apologising for being compelled by circumstances “to act the lion”. The most redoubtable decrees — which will always remain remarkable historical documents-flung by him at the enemy all look like, and are intended to look like, routine summonses sent by a lawyer to the lawyer of the opposing party, legal chicaneries, involved, hidebound ''actiones juris''. His latest proclamation, which is drafted in the same style, the manifesto abolishing slavery, is the most important document in American history since the establishment of the Union, tantamount to the tearing tip of the old [[American Constitution]].
** [[Karl Marx]], [http://hiaw.org/defcon6/works/1862/10/12.html &quot;Comments on the North American Events&quot;], ''{{w|Die Presse}}'' (12 October 1862)

* Lincoln’s place in the history of the United States and of mankind will, nevertheless, be next to that of Washington!
** [[Karl Marx]], [http://hiaw.org/defcon6/works/1862/10/12.html &quot;Comments on the North American Events&quot;], ''{{w|Die Presse}}'' (12 October 1862)

* Lincoln is not the product of a popular revolution. This plebeian, who worked his way tip from stone-breaker to Senator in Illinois, without intellectual brilliance, without a particularly outstanding character, without exceptional importance-an average person of good will, was placed at the top by the interplay of the forces of universal suffrage unaware of the great issues at stake. The {{w|new world}} has never achieved a greater triumph than by this demonstration that, given its political and social organisation, ordinary people of good will can accomplish feats which only heroes could accomplish in the {{w|old world}}!
** [[Karl Marx]], [http://hiaw.org/defcon6/works/1862/10/12.html &quot;Comments on the North American Events&quot;], ''{{w|Die Presse}}'' (12 October 1862)

* [[Friedrich Engels|Hegel]] once observed that comedy is in act superior to tragedy and humourous reasoning superior to grandiloquent reasoning. Although Lincoln does not possess the grandiloquence of historical action, as an average man of the people he has its humour.
** [[Karl Marx]], [http://hiaw.org/defcon6/works/1862/10/12.html &quot;Comments on the North American Events&quot;], ''{{w|Die Presse}}'' (12 October 1862)

*He says he'll pinch a penny so hard, he'll leave a bruise on the bronze so dark you can see the mark with the scars. Until Abraham Lincoln is screaming out, ah!
**[[Eminem|Marshall Bruce Mathers III]], [http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/eminem/almostfamous.html &quot;Almost Famous&quot;], ''Recovery'' (2010)

*Hey, Mrs. Abraham Lincoln. Other than your husband's fucking brains that were leaking, how'd you think that play was this weekend?
**[[Eminem|Marshall Bruce Mathers III]], [http://rap.genius.com/Busta-rhymes-calm-down-lyrics#note-3373089 &quot;Calm Down&quot;], ''ELE 2: End of the World'' (2014)

*If Lincoln had been a failure, he would have lived a longer life.
**[[James M. McPherson]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=Bi5UlY2IadMC&amp;pg=PT254&amp;dq=%22kneel+to+me+that+is+not+right%22&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0ahUKEwjlz8LkxfPJAhWGFR4KHdUcCwsQ6AEIMjAE#v=onepage&amp;q=%22kneel%20to%20me%20that%20is%20not%20right%22&amp;f=false &quot;Epilogue&quot;], ''Tried by War: Abraham Lincoln as Commander in Chief''

*Scorned and ridiculed by many critics during his presidency, [[w:Abraham Lincoln|Lincoln]] became a martyr and almost a saint after his death. His words and deeds lived after him, and will be revered as long as there is a [[United States]]. Indeed, it seems quite likely that without his determined leadership the ''United'' States would have ceased to be... More than any other American, [[w:Abraham Lincoln|Lincoln]]'s name has gone into history. He gave all Americans, indeed all people everywhere, reason to remember that he had lived.
**[[James M. McPherson]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=MJKLnJzXPj0C&amp;pg=PA60&amp;dq=%22kneel+to+me+that+is+not+right%22&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0ahUKEwjlz8LkxfPJAhWGFR4KHdUcCwsQ6AEILDAD#v=onepage&amp;q=%22kneel%20to%20me%20that%20is%20not%20right%22&amp;f=false ''Abraham Lincoln''], p. 65

* [[w:Abraham Lincoln|Lincoln]] marked the half-way post on the road to the sewers. He was a politician first — with devotion as a glorious afterthought.
** [[Henry Louis Mencken]], in [http://books.google.com/books?id=Nu6mNG4YRHgC&amp;pg=RA1-PA251&amp;dq=%22half-way+post+on+the+road+to+the+sewers%22 &quot;Kultur in the Republic&quot; in ''American Mercury'' (December 1927), p. 251]

* [[w:Abraham Lincoln|Lincoln]] had long believed that [[slavery]] was incompatible with the Union and that the nation was threaded together by a set of principles that required equality before the law.
**[[w:Sidney M. Milkis|Sidney M. Milkis]] and [[w:Michael Nelson|Michael Nelson]], as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=p3zmBgAAQBAJ&amp;pg=PA179&amp;lpg=PA179&amp;dq=%22damned+in+time+and+eternity+for+so+doing%22&amp;source=bl&amp;ots=mrAJPnpx1V&amp;sig=TswZIYZVZNcnQEH9SnxNcw1bVs8&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0CCsQ6AEwBGoVChMI6_3Z9pXxxwIVguCACh3bBAks#v=onepage&amp;q=%22damned%20in%20time%20and%20eternity%20for%20so%20doing%22&amp;f=false ''The American Presidency: Origins and Development, 1776–2014''], p. 179

* [[w:Abraham Lincoln|Lincoln]] was too respectful of procedural regularity and formal legality to completely abolish slavery by executive fiat. Instead, he worked to achieve abolition by constitutional amendment. In 1864, Lincoln took the lead in persuading the Republican national convention to adopt a platform calling for an amendment prohibiting slavery everywhere in the United States. Because slavery was 'hostile to the principles of republican government, justice, and national safety', the platform declared, the Republican Party vowed to accomplish its 'utter and complete extirpation from the soil of the Republic'. Full emancipation became an end as well as a means of Union victory.
**[[w:Sidney M. Milkis|Sidney M. Milkis]] and [[w:Michael Nelson|Michael Nelson]], as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=p3zmBgAAQBAJ&amp;pg=PA179&amp;lpg=PA179&amp;dq=%22damned+in+time+and+eternity+for+so+doing%22&amp;source=bl&amp;ots=mrAJPnpx1V&amp;sig=TswZIYZVZNcnQEH9SnxNcw1bVs8&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0CCsQ6AEwBGoVChMI6_3Z9pXxxwIVguCACh3bBAks#v=onepage&amp;q=%22damned%20in%20time%20and%20eternity%20for%20so%20doing%22&amp;f=false ''The American Presidency: Origins and Development, 1776–2014''], p. 179

*What I now principally feel is that the death of Lincoln, like that of [[Socrates]], is a worthy end to a noble life, and puts the seal of universal remembrance upon his worth. He has now a place among the great names of history, and one could have wished nothing better for him personally than to die almost or quite unconsciously, in perhaps the happiest moment of his life. How one rejoices that he lived to know of Lee's surrender.
**[[John Stuart Mill]] to John Elliot Cairnes (28 May 1865), quoted in Michael St. John Packe, ''The Life of John Stuart Mill'' (1954), p. 426

* Most historians today rank Lincoln number one among our presidents, for his leadership in preserving the Union and bringing slavery to an end. Major credit, however, should be given him for his contributions as a military leader. No president fulfilled the responsibility of a commander-in-chief as he did.
** Seymour Morris Jr., ''American History Revised: 200 Startling Facts That Never Made It into the Textbooks'' (2010), p. 142

* [[Confederate States of America|The South]] went [[American Civil War|to war]] on account of [[slavery]]. '''[[South Carolina]] went to war, as she said in her [[s:Declaration of the Immediate Causes Which Induce and Justify the Secession of South Carolina from the Federal Union|secession proclamation]], because slavery would not be secure under [[w:Abraham Lincoln|Lincoln]]'''. [[South Carolina]] ought to know what was the cause for her seceding. The truth is the modern [[Virginia|Virginians]] departed from the teachings of the [[w:Founding Fathers of the United States|Father's]].
** [[John S. Mosby|John Singleton Mosby]], as quoted in [http://web.archive.org/web/20131112054334/https://www.gilderlehrman.org/history-by-era/reconstruction/resources/former-confederate-officer-slavery-and-civil-war-1907 letter to Samuel &quot;Sam&quot; Chapman] (4 June 1907)

*Lincoln was our greatest president. Lincoln recognized that our nation’s original sin was slavery, which contradicted the Declaration’s lofty preamble, and that the Constitution, which permitted slavery, had to be corrected by constitutional means. 
**John D. Mueller, [https://web.archive.org/web/20160313050002/http://www.nationalreview.com/article/432701/first-principles-america-cultural-catechism &quot;What We Are For — An American Cultural Catechism&quot;] (12 March 2016), ''National Review''

*I was partner of [[w:William Herndon (lawyer)|William H. Herndon]] in this city in the year 1878. … Mr. Herndon continually spoke of Mr. Lincoln's greatness and goodness. He told me of travelling over the State from one county seat to another with the meager law-library in saddle-bags. … Herndon spoke of Lincoln's ability as a lawyer and statesman. '''He also admired greatly Lincoln's kindness of heart, his forgiving disposition. He was greatly impressed by Mr. Lincoln's attitude of kindness toward young men in the army who were found guilty of transgression of [[military]] regulations.'''
**Comments by Judge George W. Murray (1939-1926) - &quot;the last law partner of [[w:William Herndon (lawyer)|William H. Herndon]] (1818-1891), the last law partner of Lincoln.&quot; [https://www.google.com/search?tbm=bks&amp;hl=en&amp;q=%22last+law+partner+of+William+H.+Herndon%2C+the+last+law+partner+of+Lincoln%22&amp;gws_rd=ssl] - who gave this statement to Rev. William E. Barton, D. D., April 21, 1920. Quoted in ''The [[eugenics]] of President Abraham Lincoln; His German-Scotch Ancestry Irrefutably Established from Recently Discovered Documents'' (1940), James Caswell Coggins (1865-1958), Goodwill press, [[w:Milligan College|Milligan College]], Elizabethton, Tennessee, p. 222. [https://archive.org/stream/eugenicsofpresid00cogg#page/222/mode/2up/search/%22Lincoln's+greatness+and+goodness%22] [http://catalog.hathitrust.org/api/volumes/oclc/2637161.html]
*We all remember Abraham Lincoln as the leader who saved our Union, founder of the Republican Party. But in the middle of a Civil War, he was also a leader who looked to the future; a Republican President who mobilized Government to build the [[w:Transcontinental railroad|transcontinental railroad]], launch the [[w:National Academy of Sciences|National Academy of Sciences]], set up the first land-grant colleges. And leaders of both parties have followed the example he set.
**[[Barack Obama]], [https://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/documents/address-before-joint-session-the-congress-job-growth Address Before a Joint Session of the Congress on Job Growth], (8 September 2011)

*Don Fehrenbacher once observed that Lincoln has been described by historians as a 'dictator' far more often than any other president. This is true not only of historians who criticize him, but of those who praise him. But '''if Lincoln was a dictator, he was unlike any other in history. Dictatorship (in the contemporary usage that Fehrenbacher had in mind) is characterized by unlimited, absolute power, exercised in an arbitrary and unpredictable manner, with no regard for political legitimacy. A dictator does not go out of his way to respect legal limits as Lincoln did''', despite his belief that the emergency required special measures. Nor is a dictator subject to the pressures of public opinion, congressional constraint, and party competition that Lincoln faced during his war presidency. Above all a dictator doesn't risk an election, especially one he thinks he might lose, in the midst of civil war.
**Mackubin Thomas Owens, [https://web.archive.org/web/20160330083421/http://www.claremont.org/crb/article/commander-in-chief/ &quot;Commander-in-Chief&quot;] (10 February 2009), ''Claremont Review of Books'', The Claremont Institute

*For a party that desperately yearns to increase its diversity, why not answer this way? I'm from the party of Abraham Lincoln. The only flag I want to salute is the American flag.
**[[w:Scott Pinsker|Scott Pinsker]], as quoted in [http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2015/06/22/confederate-flag-and-party-lincoln.html &quot;Republicans: The Confederate flag and the party of Lincoln&quot;] (22 June 2015), by S. Pinsker, ''Fox News''

* Twenty years have passed since [[Emancipation Proclamation|that event]]; it is almost too new in history to make a great impression, but the time will come when it will loom up as one of the greatest of man's achievements, and '''the name of Abraham Lincoln — who of his own will struck the shackles from the limbs of four millions of people — will be honored thousands of years from now as man's name was never honored before.'''
** [[David Dixon Porter]], as quoted in [https://archive.org/download/incidentsanecdot00port/incidentsanecdot00port.pdf ''Incidents and Anecdotes of the Civil War''] (1885), p. 296

*He came, armed with the majesty of the law, to put his seal to the act which had been established by the bayonets of the Union soldiers the establishment of peace and goodwill between the North and the South, and liberty to all mankind who dwell upon our shores.
** [[David Dixon Porter]], as quoted in [https://archive.org/download/incidentsanecdot00port/incidentsanecdot00port.pdf ''Incidents and Anecdotes of the Civil War''] (1885), by D.D. Porter, p. 296

* Ohio claims they are due a president as they haven't had one since [[William Howard Taft|Taft]]. Look at the United States, they have not had one since Lincoln.
** [[Will Rogers]], quoted in ''How we elect our Presidents'' (1952), p. 9

* '''It seldom helps to wonder how a statesman of one generation would surmount the crisis of another. A statesman deals with concrete difficulties — with things which must be done from day to day. Not often can he frame conscious patterns for the far off future. But the fullness of the stature of Lincoln's nature and the fundamental conflict which events forced upon his Presidency invite us ever to turn to him for help.'''
** [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]], [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=15669&amp;st=&amp;st1= Franklin D. Roosevelt: &quot;Address at the Dedication of the Memorial on the Gettysburg Battlefield, Gettysburg, Pennsylvania.,&quot; July 3, 1938. Online by Gerhard Peters and John T. Woollsey]

* Lincoln spoke in solace for all who fought upon this field; and the years have laid their balm upon their wounds. Men who wore the blue and men who wore the gray are here together, a fragment spared by time. They are brought here by the memories of old divided loyalties, but they meet here in united loyalty to a united cause which the unfolding years have made it easier to see. All of them we honor, not asking under which flag they fought then — thankful that they stand together under one flag now. '''Lincoln was commander-in-chief in this old battle; he wanted above all things to be commander-in-chief of the new peace. He understood that battle there must be; that when a challenge to constituted government is thrown down, the people must in self-defense take it up; that the fight must be fought through to a decision so clear that it is accepted as being beyond recall.'''
** [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]], [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=15669&amp;st=&amp;st1= Franklin D. Roosevelt: &quot;Address at the Dedication of the Memorial on the Gettysburg Battlefield, Gettysburg, Pennsylvania.,&quot; July 3, 1938. Online by Gerhard Peters and John T. Woollsey]

* '''But Lincoln also understood that after such a decision, a democracy should seek peace through a new unity. For a democracy can keep alive only if the settlement of old difficulties clears the ground and transfers energies to face new responsibilities. Never can it have as much ability and purpose as it needs in that striving; the end of battle does not end the infinity of those needs. That is why Lincoln — commander of a people as well as of an army — asked that his battle end &quot;with malice toward none, with charity for all.&quot;'''
** [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]], [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=15669&amp;st=&amp;st1= Franklin D. Roosevelt: &quot;Address at the Dedication of the Memorial on the Gettysburg Battlefield, Gettysburg, Pennsylvania.,&quot; July 3, 1938. Online by Gerhard Peters and John T. Woollsey]

* To the hurt of those who came after him, Lincoln's plea was long denied. A generation passed before the new unity became accepted fact. In later years new needs arose, and with them new tasks, worldwide in their perplexities, their bitterness and their modes of strife. Here in our land we give thanks that, avoiding war, we seek our ends through the peaceful processes of popular government under the Constitution. '''It is another conflict, a conflict as fundamental as Lincoln's, fought not with glint of steel, but with appeals to reason and justice on a thousand fronts — seeking to save for our common country opportunity and security for citizens in a free society. We are near to winning this battle. In its winning and through the years may we live by the wisdom and the humanity of the heart of Abraham Lincoln.'''
** [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]], [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=15669&amp;st=&amp;st1= Franklin D. Roosevelt: &quot;Address at the Dedication of the Memorial on the Gettysburg Battlefield, Gettysburg, Pennsylvania.,&quot; July 3, 1938. Online by Gerhard Peters and John T. Woollsey]

* Lincoln and [[Ulysses S. Grant|Grant]], men who preeminently and distinctly embody all that is most American in the American character I wish to preach, not the doctrine of ignoble ease, but the doctrine of the strenuous life. The life of toil and effort, of labor gold strife; to preach that highest form of success which comes, not to the man who desires mere easy peace, but to the man who does not shrink from danger, from hardship or from bitter toil, and who out of these wins the splendid ultimate triumph.
**[[Theodore Roosevelt]], ''[[s:The Strenuous Life|The Strenuous Life]]'' (10 April 1899), Chicago, Illinois

* Thank God for the iron in the blood of our fathers, the men who upheld the wisdom of Lincoln, and bore sword or rifle in the armies of Grant! Let us, the children of the men who proved themselves equal to the mighty days, let us, the children of the men who carried the great Civil War to a triumphant conclusion, praise the God of our fathers that the ignoble counsels of peace were rejected; that the suffering and loss, the blackness of sorrow and despair, were unflinchingly faced, and the years of strife endured; for in the end the slave was freed, the Union restored, and the mighty American republic placed once more as a helmeted queen among nations.
**[[Theodore Roosevelt]], ''[[s:The Strenuous Life|The Strenuous Life]]'' (10 April 1899), Chicago, Illinois

* No country can long endure if its foundations are not laid deep in the material prosperity which comes from thrift, from business energy and enterprise, from hard, unsparing effort in the fields of industrial activity; but neither was any nation ever yet truly great if it relied upon material prosperity alone. All honor must be paid to the architects of our material prosperity, to the great captains of industry who have built our factories and our railroads, to the strong men who toil for wealth with brain or hand; for great is the debt of the nation to these and their kind. But our debt is yet greater to the men whose highest type is to be found in a statesman like [[w:Abraham Lincoln|Lincoln]], a soldier like [[Ulysses S. Grant|Grant]]. They showed by their lives that they recognized the law of work, the law of strife; they toiled to win a competence for themselves and those dependent upon them; but they recognized that there were yet other and even loftier duties — duties to the nation.
**[[Theodore Roosevelt]], ''[[s:The Strenuous Life|The Strenuous Life]]'' (10 April 1899), Chicago, Illinois

* '''If there is not the war, you don't get the great general; if there is not a great occasion, you don't get the great statesman; if Lincoln had lived in times of peace, no one would have known his name now.'''
** [[Theodore Roosevelt]], 26th President of the United States, &quot;The conditions of success&quot;, address at the Cambridge Union (26 May 1910), in ''The New Outlook'', 22 January 1919, [http://books.google.com/books?id=PD7xwXiTm-EC&amp;pg=PA143&amp;dq=%22you+don't+get+the+great+general%22 121:143]
*I do not speak of this struggle of the past merely from the historic standpoint. Our interest is primarily in the application to-day of the lessons taught by the contest a half a century ago. It is of little use for us to pay lip-loyalty to the mighty men of the past unless we sincerely endeavor to apply to the problems of the present precisely the qualities which in other crises enabled the men of that day to meet those crises. It is half melancholy and half amusing to see the way in which well-meaning people gather to do honor to the men who, in company with [[John Brown (abolitionist)|John Brown]], and under the lead of Abraham Lincoln, faced and solved the great problems of the [[19th century|nineteenth century]], while, at the same time, these same good people nervously shrink from, or frantically denounce, those who are trying to meet the problems of the [[20th century|twentieth century]] in the spirit which was accountable for the successful solution of the problems of Lincoln’s time. Of that generation of men to whom we owe so much, the man to whom we owe most is, of course, Lincoln. Part of our debt to him is because he forecast our present struggle and saw the way out. He said: &quot;I hold that while man exists it is his duty to improve not only his own condition, but to assist in ameliorating mankind.&quot; And again: &quot;[[Work|Labor]] is prior to, and independent of, [[capital]]. Capital is only the fruit of labor, and could never have existed if labor had not first existed. Labor is the superior of capital, and deserves much the higher consideration.&quot; If that remark was original with me, I should be even more strongly denounced as a [[Communism|Communist]] agitator than I shall be anyhow. It is Lincoln’s. I am only quoting it; and that is one side; that is the side the capitalist should hear. Now, let the working man hear his side. &quot;Capital has its rights, which are as worthy of protection as any other rights. . . . Nor should this lead to a war upon the owners of property. [[Property]] is the fruit of labor; . . . property is desirable; is a positive good in the world.&quot; And then comes a thoroughly Lincoln-like sentence: &quot;Let not him who is houseless pull down the house of another, but let him work diligently and build one for himself, thus by example assuring that his own shall be safe from violence when built.&quot; It seems to me that, in these words, Lincoln took substantially the attitude that we ought to take; he showed the proper sense of proportion in his relative estimates of capital and labor, of human rights and property rights. Above all, in this speech, as in many others, he taught a lesson in wise kindliness and charity; an indispensable lesson to us of today. But this wise kindliness and charity never weakened his arm or numbed his heart. We cannot afford weakly to blind ourselves to the actual conflict which faces us today. The issue is joined, and we must fight or fail.
**[[Theodore Roosevelt]], [https://obamawhitehouse.archives.gov/blog/2011/12/06/archives-president-teddy-roosevelts-new-nationalism-speech Osawatomie speech], (31 August 1910) 

* My Lords, there are circumstances connected with this crime which, I think, aggravate its atrocity. President Lincoln was a man who, though not conspicuous before his election, had since displayed a character of so much integrity, so much sincerity and straightforwardness, and at the same time of so much kindness, that if any one could have been able to alleviate the pain and animosities which prevailed during the period of civil war, I believe that President Lincoln was that person. It was remarked of President Lincoln that he always felt disinclined to adopt harsh measures; and I am told that the commanders of his armies often complained that when they had passed a sentence which they thought no more than just the President was always disposed to temper its severity. Such a man this particular epoch required.
** British Foreign Secretary [[John Russell, 1st Earl Russell]] in a [https://api.parliament.uk/historic-hansard/lords/1865/may/01/address-to-her-majesty#S3V0178P0_18650501_HOL_3 speech] to the {{w|House of Lords}} following Lincoln's death, 1 May 1865  

* Not often in the story of mankind does a man arrive on earth who is both steel and velvet, who is as hard as rock and soft as drifting fog, who holds in his heart and mind the paradox of terrible storm and peace unspeakable and perfect.
** [[Carl Sandburg]], opening sentence in an address to a joint session of Congress marking the 150th anniversary of Abraham Lincoln's birth (12 February 1959); reported in ''Congressional Record'', vol. 105, p. 2265

* At its start, the Civil War was not fought as a war to free the slaves, but rather as a war to maintain the Union. In 1861, a war waged by the U.S. government to free the slaves, as Lincoln recognized, would have been very unpopular in the north and clearly unconstitutional. It was not until 1863, and then only as a war measure not a change in the Constitution, did Lincoln issue the Emancipation Proclamation and thereby begin a move toward the destruction of constitutionally sanctioned slavery. This move would have been terminated at Appomattox if the 13th, 14th, and 15th Amendments had not been adopted by the Congress and the states.
**[[w:Michael Scheuer|Michael Scheuer]], as quoted in [https://archive.is/QBuxT ''Michael Scheuer's Non-Intervention''] (22 June 2015), by M. Scheuer

* '''No man made great by death offers more hope to lowly pride than does Abraham Lincoln; for while living he was himself so simple as often to be dubbed a fool.''' Foolish he was, they said, in losing his youthful heart to a grave and living his life on married patience; foolish in pitting his homely ignorance against [[w:Stephan A. Douglas|Douglas]], brilliant, courtly, and urbane; foolish in setting himself to do the right in a world where the day goes mostly to the strong; foolish in dreaming of freedom for a long-suffering folk whom the North is as anxious to keep out as the South was to keep down; foolish in choosing the silent [[Ulysses S. Grant|Grant]] to lead to victory the hesitant armies of the North; foolish, finally, in presuming that government for the people must be government of the people and by the people. Foolish many said; foolish many, many believed.&lt;p&gt;This Lincoln, whom so many living friends and foes alike deemed foolish, hid his bitterness in laughter; fed his sympathy on solitude; and met recurring disaster with whimsicality to muffle the murmur of a bleeding heart. Out of the tragic sense of life he pitied where others blamed; bowed his own shoulders with the woes of the weak; endured humanely his little day of chance power; and won through death what life disdains to bestow upon such simple souls — lasting peace and everlasting glory.&lt;p&gt;'''How prudently — to echo [[Wendell Phillips]] — we proud men compete for nameless graves, while now and then some starveling of Fate forgets himself into immortality.'''
** [[w:Thomas Vernor Smith|Thomas Vernor Smith]], memorial address, the Illinois State Senate, February 12, 1935, the 126th anniversary of Lincoln’s birth, ''Lincoln, Living Legend'', pp. 3–5 (1940)

* There lies the most perfect ruler of men the world has ever seen. '''Now he belongs to the ages.'''
** [[w:Edwin M. Stanton|Edwin M. Stanton]], at Lincoln's death (15 April 1865). As quoted in ''Abraham Lincoln: A History'' (1890) by John George Nicolay and John Hay, p. 302. Though &quot;Now he belongs to the ages&quot; is by far the most accepted quotation of this remark, it is sometimes contended that he said &quot;Now he belongs to the angels&quot; but occurrences of this date back only a very few years.. &lt;!-- Google hits: 14,900 for &quot;Now he belongs to the ages&quot; vs 30 for &quot;Now he belongs to the angels&quot; and many of these also mentioning the more common attribution, and none as yet found citing sources older than the internet. ~ Kalki 2007•05•04 --&gt; Stanton had originally opposed Lincoln, dubbing him &quot;The Original Gorilla&quot; because of his looks and frontier speech, but eventually grew to admire him.

* You lay a wreath on murdered Lincoln's bier, &lt;br /&gt; You, who with mocking pencil wont to trace, &lt;br /&gt; Broad for the self-complacent British sneer, &lt;br /&gt; His length of shambling limb, his furrowed face.
** [[Tom Taylor]], ''Britannia Sympathises with Columbia'', in ''Punch'' (6 May 1865); assigned to Taylor by Shirley Brooks in his Diary (10 May 1865) — see G. S. Layard's ''Life, Letters, and Diaries of Shirley Brooks of Punch''

* We leave to some Emil Ludwig or his ilk the drawing of Abraham Lincoln's portrait with rosy little wings. Lincoln's significance lies in his not hesitating before the most severe means once they were found to be necessary in achieving a great historic aim posed by the development of a young nation. The question lies not even in which of the warring camps caused or itself suffered the greatest number of victims. History has different yardsticks for the cruelty of the Northerners and the cruelty of the Southerners in the Civil War. A slave-owner who through cunning and violence shackles a slave in chains, and a slave who through cunning or violence breaks the chains — let not the contemptible eunuchs tell us that they are equals before a court of morality!
** [[Leon Trotsky]], &quot;[[w:Their Morals and Ours|Their Morals and Ours]]&quot; (1939)

* He has doctrines, not hatreds, and is without ambition except to do good and serve his country.
** Rep. [[w:Elihu B. Washburne|Elihu B. Washburne]] (R-IL) on the nomination of Lincoln (29 May 1860)

* He has a face like a hoosier Michael Angelo, so awful ugly it becomes beautiful, with its strange mouth, its deep-cut, criss-cross lines, and its doughnut complexion.
** [[Walt Whitman]] (March 1863), ''Selected Letters'', [http://books.google.com/books?id=E-gs9DrIWmcC&amp;pg=PA53&amp;dq=%22face+like+a+hoosier+Michael+Angelo%22 p. 53]

* '''O Captain! my Captain! our fearful trip is done, &lt;br /&gt; The [[ship]] has weather’d every rack, the prize we sought is won''', &lt;br /&gt; The port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting, &lt;br /&gt; While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring;
:: But O heart! heart! heart!
:::O the bleeding drops of red,
::::Where on the deck my Captain lies,
:::::Fallen cold and dead.
:* [[Walt Whitman]], in [[w:O Captain! My Captain!|O Captain! My Captain!]], written in memory of Lincoln, after his assassination

* The cruelest thing that has happened to Lincoln since he was shot by Booth was to fall into the hands of [[w:Carl Sandburg|Carl Sandburg]].
** [[Edmund Wilson]], ''Patriotic gore'' (1962), [http://books.google.com/books?id=TPpkiosd5MgC&amp;pg=PA115&amp;dq=%22fall+into+the+hands+of+Carl+Sandburg%22 p. 115]

*Stern, indomitable 'Old Abe'. There was no compromising or evasion with him to catch votes and secure another term of Presidential office. Equality and the love of human right and a recognition of the fundamental truth that the colour of the skin ought not to differentiate the human race weighed more with him. Freedom was with him an eternal principle, to live in the White House was a temporary fleeting.
**[[w:John Wilson (Mid Durham MP)|John Wilson]], ''Memories of a Labour Leader'' (1910), pp. 173–174

* The cheek of every American must tingle with shame as he reads the silly, flat and dishwatery utterances of the man who has to be pointed out to intelligent foreigners as the President of the United States.
** Attributed to the ''Chicago Times'' as their editorial following the Gettysburg Address, but never traced in that newspaper's archives.

*We feel that the loss of such a man is not only a loss to the nation over which he presided, but a loss to the world at large. Raised by the force of his own character and genius from a humble position in the ranks of industry to be the first citizen of a great and glorious republic, his memory will be endeared to and enshrined in the hearts of the toiling millions of all countries, as one of the few uncrowned monarchs of the world. Abraham Lincoln has been sacrificed in the cause of negro emancipation, and the freedom of the slave has been consecrated by the blood of his deliverer. 
**[[w:London Working Men's Association|London Working Men's Association]]'s address, ‘To the President, Government, and People of the United States’, quoted in ''The assassination of Abraham Lincoln...and the attempted assassination of William H. Seward, secretary of state, and Frederick W. Seward, assistant secretary, on the evening of the 14th of April, 1865'' (1867), p. 346

* From time to time, life as a leader can look hopeless. To help you, consider a man who lived through this: Failed in business at age 31. Defeated for the legislature at 32. Again failed in business at 34. Sweetheart died at 35. Had a nervous breakdown at 36. Defeated in election at 38. Defeated for Congress at 43. Defeated for Congress at 46. Defeated for Congress at 48. Defeated for Senate at 55. Defeated for Vice President at 56. Defeated for Senate at 58. Elected President at age 60. This man was Abraham Lincoln.
** Anonymous; these numbers are years in the 1800s, not ages of his life {{source}}&lt;!-- &quot;If this is a &quot;notable anonymous quotation&quot; then please cite where it is &quot;noted.&quot; --&gt;

===''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations''===
:&lt;small&gt;Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 458-59&lt;/small&gt;
* &quot;Railsplitter.&quot;
** Lincoln and John Hanks in 1830 split 3,000 rails. Incident related in the House of Representatives by Washburn, and quoted in the Republican State Convention at Decatur, Macon County

* Some opulent force of genius, soul, and race, &lt;br /&gt; Some deep life-current from far centuries &lt;br /&gt; Flowed to his mind and lighted his sad eyes, &lt;br /&gt; And gave his name, among great names, high place.
** [[w:Joel Benton|Joel Benton]], ''Another Washington'' (Lincoln)

* To set the stones back in the wall &lt;br /&gt; Lest the divided house should fall. &lt;br /&gt; The beams of peace he laid, &lt;br /&gt; While kings looked on, afraid.
** [[John Vance Cheney]], ''Lincoln''

* Unheralded, God's captain came &lt;br /&gt; As one that answers to his name; &lt;br /&gt; Nor dreamed how high his charge, &lt;br /&gt; His privilege how large.
** [[John Vance Cheney]], ''Lincoln''

* If so men's memories not a monument be, &lt;br /&gt; None shalt thou have. Warm hearts, and not cold stone, &lt;br /&gt; Must mark thy grave, or thou shalt lie, unknown. &lt;br /&gt; Marbles keep not themselves; how then, keep thee?
** [[John Vance Cheney]], ''Thy Monument''

* O, Uncommon Commoner! may your name &lt;br /&gt; Forever lead like a living flame! &lt;br /&gt; Unschooled scholar! how did you learn &lt;br /&gt; The wisdom a lifetime may not earn? &lt;br /&gt; Unsainted martyr! higher than saint! &lt;br /&gt; You were a man with a man's constraint. &lt;br /&gt; In the world, of the world was your lot; &lt;br /&gt; With it and for it the fight you fought, &lt;br /&gt; And never till Time is itself forgot &lt;br /&gt; And the heart of man is a pulseless clot &lt;br /&gt; Shall the blood flow slow, when we think the thought &lt;br /&gt; Of Lincoln!
** [[w:Edmund Vance Cooke|Edmund Vance Cooke]], ''The Uncommon Commoner''

* A martyr to the cause of man, &lt;br /&gt; His blood is freedom's eucharist, &lt;br /&gt; And in the world's great hero list &lt;br /&gt; His name shall lead the van.
** [[w:Charles G. Halpin|Charles G. Halpin]], ''Death of Lincoln''

* When Lincoln died, hate died — &lt;br /&gt; * * * * * * &lt;br /&gt; And anger, came to North and South &lt;br /&gt; When Lincoln died.
** [[w:W. J. Lampton|W. J. Lampton]], ''Lincoln''

* That nation has not lived in vain which has given the world Washington and Lincoln, the best great men and the greatest good men whom history can show. * * * You cry out in the words of Bunyan, &quot;So Valiant-for-Truth passed over, and all the trumpets sounded for him on the other side.&quot;
** [[Henry Cabot Lodge]], ''Lincoln'', address before the Massachusetts Legislature (Feb. 12, 1909)

* Nature, they say, doth dote, &lt;br /&gt; And cannot make a man &lt;br /&gt; Save on some worn-out plan &lt;br /&gt; Repeating us by rote: &lt;br /&gt; For him her Old World moulds aside she threw &lt;br /&gt; And, choosing sweet clay from the breast &lt;br /&gt; Of the unexhausted West, &lt;br /&gt; With stuff untainted shaped a hero new.
** [[James Russell Lowell]], ''A Hero New''

*White southerners saw Lincoln as anti-slavery and his election as a direct threat to the survival of the peculiar institution. Are you going to tell me that they were stupid or deluded? Is that any way for white southerners to honor their ancestors, by ridiculing their intelligence? Indeed, [[Stephen A. Douglas|Stephen Douglas]]'s decision to accuse Lincoln of embracing racial equality tells us that playing the race, or racism, card in the 1850s was alive and well, because Douglas believed that he would gain political traction among racist Illinois voters, who were white, after all, by associating Lincoln with the cause of black equality. '''Lincoln's response was thus also an issue of political survival. So was his decision not to publicize his support for limited black suffrage in Louisiana in 1864. He advanced the idea in a private letter, but waited thirteen months until he made his sentiment public, and three days after he made that sentiment public, he fell victim to an assassin's bullet because [[w:John Wilkes Booth|that assassin]] [[Bigotry|could not bear the thought of]] black equality. Lincoln knew he lived in a racist America, north and south'''.
**[[Brooks D. Simpson]], [https://cwcrossroads.wordpress.com/2011/01/18/race-and-slavery-north-and-south-some-logical-fallacies/#comment-47560 &quot;Race and Slavery, North and South: Some Logical Fallacies&quot;] (18 June 2011), ''Crossroads'', WordPress

* Look on this cast, and know the hand &lt;br /&gt; That bore a nation in its hold; &lt;br /&gt; From this mute witness understand &lt;br /&gt; What Lincoln was — how large of mould.
** [[Edmund Clarence Stedman]], ''Hand of Lincoln''

* Lo, as I gaze, the statured man, &lt;br /&gt; Built up from yon large hand appears: &lt;br /&gt; A type that nature wills to plan &lt;br /&gt; But once in all a people's years.
** [[Edmund Clarence Stedman]], ''Hand of Lincoln''

* No Cæsar he whom we lament, &lt;br /&gt; A Man without a precedent, &lt;br /&gt; Sent, it would seem, to do &lt;br /&gt; His work, and perish, too.
** [[Richard Henry Stoddard]], ''The Man We Mourn Today''

* It's one of those figures that everybody knows who he is, so they think they know who he is, and they don't. They just know a name. They just know an idea. What he was, finally, in my view, was that he created the United States as we know it, he created the nation state as we know it.
** [[Gore Vidal]], as quoted in ''Gore Vidal: The United States of Amnesia'' (2013), documentary film

*Mr. Bates was for compulsory deportation. 'The Negro would not', he said, 'go voluntary'. He had great local attachment but no enterprise or persistency. '''[[w:Abraham Lincoln|The President]] objected unequivocally to compulsion. The emigration must be voluntary and without expense to themselves'''. [[Great Britain]], Denmark and perhaps other powers would take them. I remarked there was no necessity for a treaty which had been suggested. Any person who desired to leave the country could do so now, whether white or black, and it was best to have it so-a voluntary system; the emigrant who chose to leave our shores could and would go where there were the best inducements.
**[[Gideon Welles]], as quoted in [http://www.jstor.org/stable/pdf/2713705.pdf?acceptTC=true ''Diary of Gideon Wells''], I, p. 152

* This dust was once the man, &lt;br /&gt; Gentle, plain, just and resolute, under whose cautious hand, &lt;br /&gt; Against the foulest crime in history known in any land or age, &lt;br /&gt; Was saved the Union of these States.
** [[Walt Whitman]], ''Memories of President Lincoln'', ''This Dust Was Once the Man''

* O captain! my captain! our fearful trip is done; &lt;br /&gt; The ship has weather'd every rack; the prize we sought is won; &lt;br /&gt; The port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting, &lt;br /&gt; While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring? &lt;br /&gt; But O heart! heart! heart! O the bleeding drops of red, &lt;br /&gt; Where on the deck my captain lies, fallen cold and dead.
** [[Walt Whitman]], ''Captain! My Captain!''

* The ship is anchor'd safe and sound, its voyage is closed and done. &lt;br /&gt; From fearful trip the victor ship comes in with object won. &lt;br /&gt; Exult, O shores, and ring, O bells; but I with mournful tread &lt;br /&gt; Walk the deck my captain lies, fallen cold and dead.
** [[Walt Whitman]], ''Captain! My Captain!''

*That means nigger citizenship. Now, by God, I will put him through. That will be the last speech he will ever make.
**[[w:John Wilkes Booth|John Wilkes Booth]], to [[w:Lewis Powell (conspirator)|Lewis Powell]] after Lincoln's [http://www.abrahamlincolnonline.org/lincoln/speeches/last.htm last public address] (11 April 1865), as quoted in Steers, Edward (2002). Blood on the Moon. Lexington, Ky.: University Press of Kentucky. {{ISBN|0813122775}}, p. 91. Also mentioned in Swanson, James. Manhunt: The 12-Day Chase for Lincoln's Killer. Harper Collins, 2006. {{ISBN|978-0-06-051849-3}}

==See also==
* [[List of presidents of the United States]]

== External link ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{Wikisource author}}[https://www.wishingyoufirst.online/2019/10/abraham-lincoln-quotes-about-education.html Abraham Lincoln Quotes About Education | Democracy | Civil War | Liberties | Slavery | Freedom]

[https://www.wishingyoufirst.online/2019/10/best-abraham-lincoln-quotes-on-life.html Best Abraham Lincoln Quotes On Life]

*[http://www.whitehouse.gov/history/presidents/al16.html White House Biography]
*[http://www.abrahamlincoln.org/ The Lincoln Institute]
**[http://www.mrlincolnandfreedom.org Mr. Lincoln and Freedom]
**[http://www.mrlincolnandfriends.org Mr. Lincoln and Friends]
**[http://www.mrlincolnandthefounders.org Mr. Lincoln and the Founders]
**[http://www.mrlincolnandnewyork.org Mr. Lincoln and New York]
**[http://www.mrlincolnswhitehouse.org Mr. Lincoln's White House]
*[http://rogerjnorton.com/Lincoln77.html Especially for Students: An Overview of Abraham Lincoln's Life]
*[http://memory.loc.gov/ammem/alhtml/alhome.html Mr. Lincoln's Virtual Library]
*[http://memory.loc.gov/ammem/alhtml/malhome.html Abraham Lincoln Papers at the Library of Congress] (1850&amp;ndash;1865)
*[http://www.nps.gov/liho/historyculture/debates.htm The Lincoln - Douglas Debates (1858)]
*[http://www.bartleby.com/251/ Political Debates between Abraham Lincoln and Stephen A. Douglas at Bartleby.com]
*[http://www.loc.gov/rr/program/bib/prespoetry/al.html Poetry written by Abraham Lincoln]
*[http://www.abrahamlincolnonline.org Abraham Lincoln Online]
*[http://www.hti.umich.edu/l/lincoln/ The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln]
*[http://lenbernstein.com/Pages/EgoJustice.html Discussion of John Drinkwater's play ''Abraham Lincoln'']
*[http://www.nps.gov/linc/ The Lincoln Memorial] Washington, D.C.
*[http://rogerjnorton.com/Lincoln.html Abraham Lincoln's Assassination]
*[http://www.lincolnherald.com/1970articleSubstitute.html John Summerfield Staples, President Lincoln's &quot;Substitute&quot;]
===Documents at [[w:Project Gutenberg|Project Gutenberg]]===
* Speeches and addresses
**{{gutenberg | no=4 | name=Gettysburg Address}}
**{{gutenberg | no=9 | name=Abraham Lincoln's First Inaugural Address}}
**{{gutenberg | no=8 | name=Abraham Lincoln's Second Inaugural Address}}
**{{gutenberg | no=8110 | name=Lincoln Letters}}
**{{gutenberg | no=14721 | name=Speeches and Letters of Abraham Lincoln, 1832-1865}}
**{{gutenberg | no=5024 | name=State of the Union Addresses}}
* ''The Writings of Abraham Lincoln''
**{{gutenberg | no=2653 | name=Writings of Abraham Lincoln, the - Volume 1: 1832-1843}}
**{{gutenberg | no=2654 | name=Writings of Abraham Lincoln, the - Volume 2: 1843-1858}}
**{{gutenberg | no=2655 | name=Writings of Abraham Lincoln, the - Volume 3: the Lincoln-Douglas debates}}
**{{gutenberg | no=2656 | name=Writings of Abraham Lincoln, the - Volume 4: the Lincoln-Douglas debates}}
**{{gutenberg | no=2657 | name=Writings of Abraham Lincoln, the - Volume 5: 1858-1862}}
**{{gutenberg | no=2658 | name=Writings of Abraham Lincoln, the - Volume 6: 1862-1863}}
**{{gutenberg | no=2659 | name=Writings of Abraham Lincoln, the - Volume 7: 1863-1865}}
* Miscellany
**{{gutenberg | no=12462 | name=A Compilation of the Messages and Papers of the Presidents: Volume 6, part 1: Abraham Lincoln}}
**{{gutenberg | no=2517 | name=Lincoln's Yarns and Stories}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Lincoln, Abraham}}
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      <text bytes="24120" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Michael Melgar LiquidArt resize droplet.jpg|thumb|right| Stones are hollowed out by the constant dropping of water. ~ [[Ovid]]]]
'''[[w:Water|Water]]''' (chemical formula: '''H&lt;sub&gt;2&lt;/sub&gt;O''') is a common chemical substance, that is essential to all known forms of life. In typical usage water refers only to its liquid form or state, but the substance also has the solid state, ice, and gaseous state, water vapor, and exists as [[snow]], [[w:fog|fog]], [[dew]] and [[cloud]]. Liquid water covers 71% of the Earth's surface. Water is use for washing clothes, bathing, brushing teeth, etc.

== Quotes ==
[[File:2006-01-14 Surface waves.jpg|thumb|right|Access to a secure, safe and sufficient source of fresh drinking water is a fundamental requirement for the survival, well-being and socio-economic development of all humanity. Yet, we continue to act as if fresh water were a perpetually abundant resource. It is not. ~ [[Kofi Annan]] ]]
:&lt;small&gt;Sorted alphabetically by author or source&lt;/small&gt; 
[[File:Niagara falls - Winter - Prospect point view at night.jpg|thumb|Thousands have lived without love, not one without water. ~ [[W. H. Auden]] ]]
[[File:A surfer at the wave.jpg|thumb|Water is a very good servant, but it is a cruel master. ~ [[w:William Bullein|William Bullein]] ]]
[[File:LightningVolt Deep Blue Sea.jpg|thumb|right|Water, water, everywhere; Nor any drop to drink. ~ [[Samuel Taylor Coleridge]] ]]
[[File:SurfaceTension.jpg|thumb|There is nothing softer and weaker than water,&lt;br&gt;And yet there is nothing better for attacking hard and strong things.&lt;br&gt;For this reason there is no substitute for it. ~ [[Laozi]] ]]

* '''Thousands have lived without [[love]], not one without water.'''
**[[W. H. Auden]], &quot;First Things First&quot; (1956)

* Access to a secure, safe and sufficient source of fresh water is a fundamental requirement for the [[survival]], well-being and socio-economic development of all [[humanity]]. Yet, we continue to act as if fresh water were a perpetually abundant resource. It is not.
**[[Kofi Annan]], UN Secretary-General, as quoted in ''Is the World Running Out of Water?'', [[w:Awake!|''Awake!'']] magazine, (22 June 2001)

* The challenge of securing safe and plentiful water for all is one of the most daunting challenges faced by the world today. . . . Too often, where we need water we find guns.
** [[Ban Ki-moon]], UN Secretary-General, as quoted in &quot;Watching the World&quot;, in [[w:Awake|''Awake!'']] magazine (8 November 2008)

* Perfect water - the dark wind braids the waves. &lt;br&gt; The crazed birds raid the trees. is this our destiny? &lt;br&gt; To join our hands at sea - and slowly sink, and slowly think: &lt;br&gt; This is perfect water, passing over me.
** [[w:Blue Oyster Cult|Blue Oyster Cult]] ''[[w:Club Ninja|Club Ninja]]'' ''Perfect Water'', written by Donald Roeser, Jim Carroll

* Rahula, develop [[meditation]] that is like water. ... Just as people wash clean things and dirty things, excrement, urine, spittle, pus, and blood in water, and the water is not horrified, humiliated, and disgusted because of that, so too, Rahula, develop meditation that is like water.
** [[Gautama Buddha]], ''Majjhima Nikaya'', B. Nanamoli and B. Bodhi, trans. (1995), Sutta 62, verse 14, p. 530

* '''Water is a very good servant, but it is a cruell maister.'''
** [[w:William Bullein|William Bullein]], in ''Bulwarke of Defence against All Sicknesses'' (1562), as quoted in [http://www.pubmedcentral.nih.gov/articlerender.fcgi?artid=1034484 &quot;William Bullein, Elizabethan Physician and Author&quot;] by  William S. Mitchell, in ''Medical History'' Vol. 3, Issue 3 (July 1959), p. 188

* The miller sees not all the water that goes by his mill.
** [[Robert Burton]], ''The Anatomy of Melancholy'' (1621), Part III, Section III. Memb. 4. Subsect. 1

* The winds, the sea, and the moving tides are what they are. If there is wonder and beauty and majesty in them, science will discover these qualities. If they are not there, science cannot create them. '''If there is poetry in my book about the sea, it is not because I deliberately put it there, but because no one could write truthfully about the sea and leave out the poetry.'''
** [[Rachel Carson]], in her acceptance speech of the National Book Award for Nonfiction (1952); also in ''Lost Woods : The Discovered Writing of Rachel Carson'' (1999) edited by Linda Lear, p. 91

* Till taught by pain,&lt;br&gt;Men really know not what good water's worth;&lt;br&gt;  If you had been in Turkey or in Spain,&lt;br&gt;Or with a famish'd boat's-crew had your berth,&lt;br&gt;Or in the desert heard the camel's bell,&lt;br&gt;You'd wish yourself where Truth is—in a well.
** [[Lord Byron]], ''[[Don Juan (Byron)|Don Juan]]'' (1818–24), Canto II, Stanza 84

* Water, water, everywhere,&lt;br&gt; And all the boards did shrink; &lt;br&gt; Water, water, everywhere,&lt;br&gt; Nor any drop to drink.
** [[Samuel Taylor Coleridge]], ''[[w:The Rime of the Ancient Mariner|The Rime of the Ancient Mariner]]'' (1798; 1817), Part II, Stanza 9

*'''[[w:Jack Harkness|Jack Harkness]]''': There you go! I can taste it! Oestrogen. Definitely oestrogen. Take the pill, flush it away, it enters the water cycle. Feminizes the fish. Goes all the way up into the sky then falls all the way back down onto me. Contraceptives in the rain. Love this planet. Still, at least I won't get pregnant. Never doing ''that'' again.
:* [[Torchwood]] ''[[w:Everything Changes (Torchwood)|Everything Changes]]'' written by [[Russell T. Davies]]

* From a drop of water, a [[logician]] could infer the possibility of an Atlantic or a Niagara without having seen or heard of one or the other.
**[[Arthur Conan Doyle]], ''[[w:A Study in Scarlet|A Study in Scarlet]]'', Ch. 2, &quot;The Science of Deduction&quot;

* '''I do not know much about gods; but I think that the river &lt;br&gt; Is a strong brown god''' —sullen, untamed and intractable, &lt;br&gt; Patient to some degree, at first recognised as a frontier; &lt;br&gt; Useful, untrustworthy, as a conveyor of commerce; &lt;br&gt; Then only a problem confronting the builder of bridges. (I)
** [[T. S. Eliot]], in ''[[Four Quartets]]'' (1941)

* [Water] is one of the most investigated of all chemicals, but it is still the least understood ... nothing is as complex in its behaviour.
** [[w:John Emsley|John Emsley]], cited in ''Awake!'' magazine, 8/22, 2000.

* H2O should be a gas, . . . but it is a liquid. Moreover, when it freezes . . . , its solid form, ice, floats instead of sinking.
** [[w:John Emsley|John Emsley]], cited in ''Awake!'' magazine, 8/22, 2000.

*'''Endora''': Samantha, I will not stand here and be insulted by something which is 94 percent water.
:'''Darrin Stephens''': Oh, yeah! Well, what about something which is a hundred percent hot air?
:* Ed Jurist, [[Bewitched]] ''Long Live the Queen''

* Water—the mighty, the pure, the beautiful, the unfathomable—where is thy element so glorious as it is in thine own domain, the deep seas ? What an infinity of power is in the far Atlantic, the boundary of two separate worlds, apart like those of memory and of hope ! or in the bright Pacific, whose tides are turned to gold by a southern sun, and in whose bosom sleep a thousand isles, each covered with the verdure, the flowers, and the fruit of Eden ! But, amid all thy hereditary kingdoms, to which hast thou given beauty, as a birthright, lavishly as thou hast to thy favourite Mediterranean ? The silence of a summer night is now sleeping on its bosom, where the bright stars are mirrored, as if in its depths they had another home and another heaven. A spirit, cleaving air midway between the two, might have paused to ask which was sea, and which was sky. The shadows of earth and earthly things, resting omen-like upon the waters, alone shewed which was the home and which the mirror of the celestial host.
** [[Letitia Elizabeth Landon]], ''The Book of Beauty,'' 1833 (1832), 'The Enchantress'.

* The fountain's low singing is heard on the wind,&lt;br&gt;Like a melody bringing sweet fancies to mind;&lt;br&gt;Some to grieve, some to gladden: around them they cast&lt;br&gt;The hopes of the morrow, the dreams of the past.&lt;br&gt;Away in the distance is heard the vast sound,&lt;br&gt;From the streets of the city that compass it round,&lt;br&gt;Like the echo of mountains, or ocean's deep call;&lt;br&gt;Yet that fountain's low singing is heard over all.
** [[Letitia Elizabeth Landon]], ''The Vow of the Peacock'' (1835), 'The Middle Temple Gardens'

* 天下莫柔弱於水。而攻堅強者、莫之能勝。以其無以易之。
** '''There is nothing softer and weaker than water,&lt;br&gt;And yet there is nothing better for attacking hard and strong things.&lt;br&gt;For this reason there is no substitute for it.'''
** [[Laozi]], ''Tao Te Ching'', Ch. 78 

* Don't get set into one form, adapt it and build your own, and let it grow, be like water. Empty your mind, be formless, shapeless — like water. Now you put water in a cup, it becomes the cup; You put water into a bottle it becomes the bottle; You put it in a teapot it becomes the teapot. Water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend.
** [[Bruce Lee]] as quoted in ''Bruce Lee : A Warrior's Journey'' (2000) This is also a quote from Bruce Lee as Li Tsung in the TV series &quot;Longstreet&quot;, season one, episode one, airdate September 16, 1971

* Take almost any path you please, and ten to one it carries you down in a dale, and leaves you there by a pool in the stream. There is magic in it. Let the most absent-minded of men be plunged in his deepest reveries — stand that man on his legs, set his feet a-going, and he will infallibly lead you to water, if water there be in all that region. Should you ever be athirst in the great American desert, try this experiment, if your caravan happen to be supplied with a metaphysical professor. Yes, as every one knows, meditation and water are wedded forever.
** [[Herman Melville]], in ''[[Moby-Dick]]'' (1851), Ch. 1 : Loomings

* The rising world of waters dark and deep.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book III, line 11

* The water of Zamzam is a cure for whatever (ailment) it is taken for. 
** [[Muhammad]] Biharul Anwar, Volume 96, Page 245
[[File:Bielerh%C3%B6he_-_Barbarakapelle_-_Brunnen_02.jpg|thumb|Have you seen the water that you [[drink]]? Is it you who brought it down from the [[clouds]], or is it We who bring it down? If We willed, We could make it [[bitter]], so why are you not [[grateful]]? ~ [[Quran]]]]
* And have you seen the water that you [[drink]]? Is it you who brought it down from the [[clouds]], or is it We who bring it down? If We willed, We could make it [[bitter]], so why are you not [[grateful]]?
** [[Quran]] 56:68-70

* “There really have been no studies that have associated the [pharmaceutical] residues in our water with human health problems,” says Ilene Ruhoy, a pediatric neurologist and environmental toxicologist who has studied the issue. That could be a sign that they pose no threat, but like Wilson, Ruhoy stresses how difficult it is to do these types of studies. “You’re talking about exposure to parts per million, parts per billion. And it’s a combination of [[drugs]]. It’s not just one drug in the water, it’s multitudes of. It’s exposure to these very, very minute amounts of these drugs, but many drugs over decades—ten, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60 years.”
** Ilene Ruhoy as qtd. in Leigh Boerner, [https://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/article/pharmaceuticals-in-the-water/ “The Complicated Question of Drugs in the Water”], ''Nova Next'', PBS, (May 14, 2014). 

* Honest water, which ne'er left man in the mire.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Timon of Athens]]'' (date uncertain, published 1623), Act I, scene 2, line 59

* More water glideth by the mill&lt;br&gt;Than wots the miller of.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Titus Andronicus]]'' (c. 1584-1590), Act II, scene 1, line 85

* For every person who perishes from the effects of a [[drugs|stimulant]], at least a thousand [[die]] from the consequences of drinking impure water.  This precious fluid, which daily infuses new life into us, is likewise the chief vehicle through which [[disease]] and [[death]] enter our [[bodies]].  The germs of destruction it conveys are [[enemies]] all the more terrible as they perform their [[fatal]] work unperceived.  They seal our [[doom]] while we live and enjoy.  The majority of people are so [[ignorant]] or [[careless]] in drinking water, and the consequences of this are so [[disastrous]], that a [[philanthropist]] can scarcely use his efforts better than by endeavoring to [[enlighten]] those who are thus [[injuring]] themselves. By systematic purification and sterilization of the drinking water the human mass would be very considerably increased.  It should be made a rigid rule which might be enforced by law to boil or to sterilize otherwise the drinking water in every household and public place.  The mere filtering does not afford sufficient [[security]] against infection. All ice for internal uses should be artificially prepared from water thoroughly sterilized.  The importance of eliminating germs of disease from the [[city]] water is generally recognized, but little is being done to improve the existing conditions, as no satisfactory method of sterilizing great quantities of water has yet been brought forward.  By improved [[electrical]] appliances we are now enabled to produce ozone cheaply and in large amounts, and this ideal disinfectant seems to offer a [[happy]] [[solution]] of the [[important]] [[question]].
** [[Nikola Tesla]], [http://www.tfcbooks.com/tesla/1900-06-00.htm &quot;The Problem With Increasing Human Energy: With Special References To the Harnessing Of The Sun's Energy&quot;], ''Century Illustrated Magazine'', (June 1900).

* “There’s been a fair amount of work done in both the [[U.S.]] and [[Canada]] as well as [[Europe]] that documents [pharmaceuticals] in wastewater and in water,” says Joanna Wilson, a biologist at McMaster University in Ontario, Canada. She studies how drugs in the water affect zebrafish, a tiny freshwater fish in the minnow family. More recent data shows that the same types of compounds are in drinking water. One study found several pharmaceuticals in treated tap water, including atenolol (a beta-blocker), carbamazepine (an anticonvulsant), gemfibrozil (an antilipidemic), meprobamate (an antianxiety medication), and phenytoin (an anticonvulsant). The concentrations of these compounds were very low, usually less than 10 nanograms per liter, which is parts per trillion. For reference, one part per trillion is equivalent to about one second in 64 years.
* “We have an aging demographic, and we have an increased reliance, in North America and Europe in particular, with the treatment of [[health]] [[concerns]] with [[pharmaceuticals]].” This translates to more medicines making their way into the water system, and we need to determine how to deal with it, she says. “Long-term exposures [to pharmaceuticals] are quite a bit different than short term exposures, and we need to really start testing and figuring out if chronic exposures of low doses are relevant for the health of an individual or population of [[animals]].”
** Joanna Wilson as qtd. in Leigh Boerner, [https://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/article/pharmaceuticals-in-the-water/ “The Complicated Question of Drugs in the Water”], ''Nova Next'', PBS, (May 14, 2014). 

* And all the air is filled with pleasant noise of waters.
** [[William Wordsworth]], &quot;After the Storm&quot;

* Mr. Toastmaster, Gentlemen: I feel highly honored indeed to be one of the chosen to say a few words this evening. I am requested to respond to the toast: &quot;Water, the purest and most wonderful thing that was ever created.&quot; You, as well as I, have seen it glistening in small globular teardrops on the eyelids of troubled sweethearts and peevish infants, as well as go rushing in torrents down the wrinkled cheeks of the aged ones. And in the early morning I have seen it glistening and sparkling like so many diamonds on the grass blades and the flowers. I have seen it rushing like some wild thing down the rapids of the river, only to flow quietly and lazily where the river widens. I have heard it roar and rumble as it dashed down some steep precipice. And what I have seen—I have seen—Gentlemen, what I want to say is, that as a ''beverage'', it's a failure.
** Author unknown; reported in Arthur Leroy Kaser, ''Good Toasts and Funny Stories'' (1923), p. 98. This quotation was submitted to the Queries column of ''The New York Times Book Review'' in 1971. One response to the query attributed this toast to a Colonel Bob Maxe at an annual dinner of the Bar Association of North Arkansas. The wording varied, and the attribution has not been verified in a published source. A more succinct version found its way into Congressional Research Service files: &quot;Gentlemen—I have seen water in all of its majesty, pouring in torrents over great falls, rushing madly through deep gorges, and tossing wildly as waves of the oceans. I have seen it in the frozen stillness of a winter pond, in the flower-like crystals of snow flakes. I have seen it as the soft morning dew, and as the gentle teardrop in the eye of a beautiful lady—But gentlemen, as a beverage, it is a damn failure!&quot;

===''[[Bible]]''===
:&lt;small&gt;[[Wikisource:Bible|''The Bible'' in Wikisource]]&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Fulmer Falls Closeup 3000px.jpg|thumb|right|Thou visitest the earth, and waterest it: thou greatly enrichest it with the river of God, which is full of water: thou preparest them corn, when thou hast so provided for it. ~ ''[[Psalms]]'']]

* All the rivers run into the sea; yet the sea is not full; unto the place from whence the rivers come, thither they return again.
** ''[[Ecclesiastes]]'' 1:7.

* Behold, God is great, and we know him not, neither can the number of his years be searched out.&lt;br&gt;For he maketh small the drops of water: they pour down rain according to the vapour thereof:&lt;br&gt;Which the clouds do drop and distil upon man abundantly.
:* [[Elihu (Job)|Elihu]], ''[[Book of Job]]'' [[Wikisource:Bible (King James)/Job#Chapter 36|36:26-28]]'', [[KJV]] 

* His feet were like fine copper when glowing in a furnace; and his voice was as the sound of many waters.
** [[John the Evangelist]], ''[[Book of Revelation]]'' [[w:Revelation 1|1:15]], [[NWT]].

* He said to me: “The waters that you saw, where the prostitute is sitting, mean peoples and crowds and nations and tongues. And the ten horns that you saw and the wild beast, these will hate the prostitute and will make her devastated and naked, and they will eat up her flesh and completely burn her with fire.
** [[John the Evangelist]], ''[[Book of Revelation]]'' [[w:Revelation 17|17:15-16]], [[NWT]].

* Unstable as water, thou shalt not excel.
** ''[[Book of Genesis]]'' [[w:Genesis 49|49:4]].

* For waters will burst forth in the wilderness,&lt;br&gt;And streams in the desert plain.&lt;br&gt;The heat-parched ground will become a reedy pool,&lt;br&gt;And the thirsty ground springs of water.&lt;br&gt;In the lairs where jackals rested,&lt;br&gt;There will be green grass and reeds and papyrus.
** [[Isaiah]] [[w:Isaiah 35|35:6b-7]], [[NWT]].

* Counsel in the heart of a man is as deep waters, but the man of discernment is one that will draw it up.
** ''[[Book of Proverbs]]'' 20:5.

* Thou visitest the earth, and waterest it: thou greatly enrichest it with the river of God, which is full of water: thou preparest them corn, when thou hast so provided for it.
** ''[[Psalms]]'' [[w:Psalm 65|65:9]], [[KJV]].

* The noise of many waters.
** ''[[Psalms]]'' [[w:Psalm 93|93:4]]

* As water spilt on the ground, which cannot be gathered up again.
** [[w:Books of Samuel|2 Samuel]] 14:14.

===''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations''===
:&lt;small&gt;Quotes reported in ''[[wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 862-63.&lt;/small&gt;

* Still waters run no mills.
** Quoted by Aglionby, ''Life of Bickerstaff'', p.&amp;nbsp;5

* Pure water is the best of gifts that man to man can bring,&lt;br&gt;But who am I that I should have the best of anything?&lt;br&gt;Let princes revel at the pump, let peers with ponds make free,&lt;br&gt;Whisky, or wine, or even beer is good enough for me.
** Anon, in the'' Spectator'' (31 July 1920); attributed to Hon. G. W. E. Russell, also to Lord Neaves. Several versions given in Notes and Queries (23 October 1897)

* Pouring oil on troubled water.
** [[Adam Bede]], ''Historia Ecclesiastica'', Book III, Chapter XV, p.&amp;nbsp;142. (Hussey's Ed.) Bede says he received the account from Cynemund, who heard it from Utta. Found also in St. Basil, ''Hexæm. Hom.'', II. Erasmus, ''Adagia''. Plautus, ''Pœnulus'', V, IV. 66

* A cup of cold Adam from the next purling stream.
** [[Thomas Brown (satirist)|Tom Brown]], ''Works'', Volume IV, p.&amp;nbsp;11

* The world turns softly&lt;br&gt;Not to spill its lakes and rivers,&lt;br&gt;The water is held in its arms&lt;br&gt;And the sky is held in the water.&lt;br&gt;What is water,&lt;br&gt;That pours silver,&lt;br&gt;And can hold the sky?
** [[Hilda Conkling]], ''Water''

* Water its living strength first shows,&lt;br&gt;When obstacles its course oppose.
** [[Johann Wolfgang von Goethe]], ''God, Soul, and World'', ''Rhymed Distichs''

* And pines with thirst amidst a sea of waves.
** [[Homer]], ''The Odyssey'', Book XI, line 722. Pope's translation

* Water is the mother of the vine,&lt;br&gt;The nurse and fountain of fecundity,&lt;br&gt;The adorner and refresher of the world.
** [[Charles Mackay]], ''The Dionysia''

* I'm very fond of water:&lt;br&gt;  It ever must delight&lt;br&gt;Each mother's son and daughter,—&lt;br&gt;  When qualified aright.
** [[Charles Neaves]], ''I'm very fond of Water''

* ''Caducis&lt;br&gt;Percussu crebro saxa cavantur aquis.''
** Stones are hollowed out by the constant dropping of water.
** [[Ovid]], ''Epistolæ Ex Ponto'', II. 7. 39

* ''Est in aqua dulci non invidiosa voluptas.''
** There is no small pleasure in sweet water.
** [[Ovid]], ''Epistolæ Ex Ponto'', II. 7. 73

* ''Miserum est opus,&lt;br&gt;Igitur demum fodere puteum, ubi sitis fauces tedet.''
** It is wretched business to be digging a well just as thirst is mastering you.
** [[Plautus]], ''Mostellaria'', II. 1. 32

* A Rechabite poor Will must live,&lt;br&gt; And drink of Adam's ale.
** [[Matthew Prior]], ''The Wandering Pilgrim''

* 'Tis rushing now adown the spout,&lt;br&gt; And gushing out below,&lt;br&gt;Half frantic in its joyousness,&lt;br&gt; And wild in eager flow.&lt;br&gt;The earth is dried and parched with heat,&lt;br&gt; And it hath long'd to be&lt;br&gt;Released from out the selfish cloud,&lt;br&gt; To cool the thirsty tree.
** [[Elizabeth Oakes Smith]], ''Water''

* And so never ending,&lt;br&gt;But always descending.
** [[Robert Southey]], ''The Cataract of Lodore''

* &quot;How does the Water&lt;br&gt;Come down at Lodore?&quot;
** [[Robert Southey]], ''The Cataract of Lodore''

* 'Tis a little thing&lt;br&gt;To give a cup of water: yet its draught&lt;br&gt;Of cool refreshment, drain'd by feverish lips,&lt;br&gt;May give a thrill of pleasure to the frame&lt;br&gt;More exquisite than when nectarian juice&lt;br&gt;Renews the life of joy in happiest hours.
** [[Thomas Noon Talfourd]], ''Sonnet III

* How dear to this heart are the scenes of my childhood,&lt;br&gt;When fond recollection presents them to view.&lt;br&gt; * * * * * *&lt;br&gt;The old oaken bucket, the iron-bound bucket,&lt;br&gt;The moss-covered bucket, which hung in the well.
** [[Samuel Woodworth]], ''The Old Oaken Bucket''

* How sweet from the green mossy brim to receive it,&lt;br&gt;  As, poised on the curb, it inclined to my lips!&lt;br&gt;Not a full blushing goblet could tempt me to leave it,&lt;br&gt;  The brightest that beauty or revelry sips.
** [[Samuel Woodworth]], ''The Old Oaken Bucket''

==See also==
* [[Abzu]]
* [[Food]]
* [[Air]]
* [[Earth]]
* [[Fire]]
* [[Baptism]]
* [[Libation]]

==External links==
{{Wikipedia}}
{{Commons}}
{{wiktionary|water}}
{{Wikiversity}}
{{Wikibooks|Category:Water}}

[[Category:Nature]]

[[bs:Voda]]
[[ca:Aigua]]
[[cs:Voda]]
[[de:Wasser]]
[[es:Agua]]
[[eo:Akvo]]
[[hr:Voda]]
[[it:Acqua]]
[[he:מים]]
[[lt:Vanduo]]
[[ja:水]]
[[nn:Vatn]]
[[pl:Woda]]
[[pt:Água]]
[[ru:Вода]]
[[sk:Voda]]
[[sl:Voda]]
[[tr:Su]]
[[uk:Вода]]
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  <page>
    <title>Music</title>
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      <text bytes="85371" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Plato. Etching by D. Cunego, 1783, after R. Mengs after Raph Wellcome V0004702.jpg|thumb|Musical training is a more potent instrument than any other, because rhythm and harmony find their way into the inward places of the soul; on which they mightily fasten, imparting grace, and making the soul of him who is rightly educated graceful, or of him who is ill-educated ungraceful. ~ [[Plato]]]]
[[File:A Rock cut Seated Buddha Statue at Bojjannakonda, Visakhapatnam District.jpg|thumb|The ascetic Gotama … avoids watching dancing, singing, music and shows. ~ [[Gautama Buddha]]]]
[[File:King Solomon (Zahrtmann).jpg|thumb|Better to listen to a wise man’s rebuke than to listen to the song of fools. ~ [[Ecclesiastes]]]]
[[File:Eugène Delaplanche - La Musique.jpg|thumb|Music is the [[voice]] of love. ~ [[Robert G. Ingersoll]] ]]
'''[[w:Music|Music]]''' is an art form that involves sounds and silence. Music may be used for artistic or aesthetic, communicative, entertainment, or ceremonial purposes. The definition of what constitutes music varies according to culture and social context.
__NOTOC__
{{TOCalpha|[[#Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations|''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations'']]}}
==Quotes==
==A==

* What is called music today is all too often only a disguise for the monologue of power. However, and this is the supreme [[irony]] of it all, never before have musicians tried so hard to communicate with their audience, and never before has that communication been so deceiving. Music now seems hardly more than a somewhat clumsy excuse for the self-glorification of musicians and the growth of a new industrial sector.
** [[Jacques Attali]], in ''Classic Essays on Twentieth-Century Music'' (1996), p. 122

==B==
* Despite the fact that as an art, music cannot compromise its principles, and politics, on the other hand, is the art of compromise, when politics transcends the limits of the present existence and ascents to the higher sphere of the possible, it can be joined there by music. Music is the art of the imaginary par excellence, an art free of all limits imposed by words, an art that touches the depth of human existence, and art of sounds that crosses all borders. As such, music can take the feelings and imagination of [[Israelis]] and [[Palestinians]] to new unimaginable spheres.
** [[Daniel Barenboim]], statement at the {{w|Knesset}} upon receiving the {{w|Wolf Prize}}, May 9, 2004, [https://electronicintifada.net/content/daniel-barenboims-statement-knesset-upon-receiving-wolf-prize-may-9-2004/5080 transcript online] (16 May 2004) at ''{{w|The Electronic Intifada}}.

* Ancient belief in a cosmos composed of spheres, producing music as angels guided them through the heavens, was still flourishing in Elizabethan times. ...There is a good deal more to [[w:Pythagoreanism|Pythagorean]] musical theory than celestial harmony. Besides the [[w:Musica universalis|music of the celestial spheres]] (''musica mundana''), two other varieties of music were distinguished: the sound of instruments...(''musica instrumentalis''), and the continuous unheard music that emanated from the human body (''musica humana''), which arises from  a resonance between the body and the soul. ...In the medieval world, the status of music is revealed by its position within the [[w:Quadrivium|Quadrivium]]—the fourfold curriculum—alongside arithmetic, geometry, and astronomy. Medieval students... believed all forms of harmony to derive from a common source. Before [[Anicius Manlius Severinus Boethius|Boethius]]' studies in the ninth century, the idea of musical harmony was not considered independently of wider matters of celestial or ethical harmony.
** [[John D. Barrow]], ''The Artful Universe'' (1995)&lt;!-- Ch. 5, pp. 201-202 --&gt;

* Our sensitivity to changes of pitch ... is underused in musical sound. Western music, in particular, is based on scales that use pitch changes that are at least twenty times bigger than the smallest changes that we could perceive. If we used our discriminatory power to full, we could generate an undulating sea of sound that displayed continuously changing frequency rather like the undersea sonic songs of dolphins and whales.
** [[John D. Barrow]], ''The Artful Universe'' (1995)&lt;!-- Ch. 5, p. 225 --&gt;

* Today’s music has all the variety of a jackhammer.
** [[Gregory Benford]], ''The Sigma Structure Symphony'' (2012), reprinted in [[w:Paula Guran|Paula Guran]] (ed.), ''Ex Libris: Stories of Librarians, Libraries &amp; Lore'' (p. 357)

* Someday you will be a man, &lt;br&gt; And you will be the leader of a big old band. &lt;br&gt; Many people coming from miles around &lt;br&gt; To hear you play your music when the sun go down &lt;br&gt; Maybe someday your name will be in lights &lt;br&gt; Saying Johnny B. Goode tonight.
** [[Chuck Berry]], ''{{w|Johnny B. Goode}}, {{w|Chuck Berry Is on Top}}'' (1958)

* The ascetic Gotama … avoids watching dancing, singing, music and shows. He abstains from using garlands, perfumes, cosmetics, ornaments and adornments. … He refrains from running errands, from buying and selling.
** [[Gautama Buddha]], ''[[Digha Nikaya]]'', M. Walshe, trans. (1987), Sutta 1, verse 1.10, p. 69

* &lt;p&gt;Monks, you should dwell with the doors to your senses well-guarded. ...&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;On hearing a sound with the ear, do not grasp at any theme or details by which — if you were to dwell without restraint over the faculty of the ear — evil, unskillful qualities such as greed or distress might assail you. Practice for its restraint. Guard the faculty of the ear. Secure your restraint with regard to the faculty of the ear.&lt;/p&gt;
** [[Gautama Buddha]], Kumma Sutta, as translated by Thanissaro Bhikkhu

* [[Bhikkhus]], you should train thus: 'We will guard the doors of our sense faculties. On hearing a sound with the ear, we will not grasp at its signs and features. Since, if we left the ear faculty unguarded, evil unwholesome states of covetousness and grief might invade us, we will practice the way of its restraint, we will guard the ear faculty, we will undertake the restraint of the ear faculty.'
** [[Gautama Buddha]], Mahā-Assapura Sutta, Sutta 39, Verse 8, ''[[Majjhima Nikaya]]'', as translated by Bhikkhu Ñāṇamoli and Bhikkhu Bodhi (Wisdom Publications: 1995), p. 364

* Oh, that I were&lt;br /&gt;The viewless spirit of a lovely sound,&lt;br /&gt;A living voice, a breathing harmony,&lt;br /&gt;A bodiless enjoyment—born and dying&lt;br /&gt;With the blest tone which made me!
** [[Lord Byron]], ''{{w|Manfred}}'' (1817), Act I, scene ii.

==C==
* Our music has sprung from the patient, incessant, and progressive penetration into the law of resonance, that is to say, from the successive exploitation of the ''octave'', the ''fifth'' and the ''fourth'' (ninth to twelfth century), the third (thirteenth to sixteenth century), the ''seventh'' (seventeenth and eighteenth century), the ''major ninth'', the ''augmented fifth'', and the ''perfect eleventh'' (nineteenth and twentieth centuries) . . . . this evolution . . . . constitutes, at the same time, the only true justification of the musical art.
** ''The Evolution of Music'', {{w|Alfredo Casella}}, quoted in Miller, Horace Alden (1930). ''New Harmonic Devices'', p. 96.

* Music is mere [[beauty]]; it is beauty in the [[abstract]], beauty in solution. It is a shapeless and liquid element of beauty, in which a man may really float, not indeed affirming the [[truth]], but not denying it.
** [[G. K. Chesterton]], [https://babel.hathitrust.org/cgi/pt?id=uc2.ark:/13960/t1jh3p35c;view=1up;seq=101 ''George Bernard Shaw''] (1909), pp. 95–96.

* We get nearer to the Lord through music than perhaps through any other thing except [[prayer]].
**[[w:J. Reuben Clark|J. Reuben Clark]], LDS Conference Report, Oct. 1936.

* &quot;Music&quot; includes sounds wholly or predominantly characterised by the emission of a succession of repetitive beats.
** [http://www.statutelaw.gov.uk/content.aspx?LegType=All+Legislation&amp;title=criminal+justice&amp;Year=1994&amp;searchEnacted=0&amp;extentMatchOnly=0&amp;confersPower=0&amp;blanketAmendment=0&amp;sortAlpha=0&amp;TYPE=QS&amp;PageNumber=1&amp;NavFrom=0&amp;parentActiveTextDocId=2156203&amp;ActiveTextDocId=2156294&amp;filesize=25793 Criminal Justice and Public Order Act 1994, Section 63 (1)(b)] (United Kingdom).
** This section attempts to define music played at [[wikt:rave|raves]], in order to give police power to ban them. It was widely ridiculed at the time and since (see, e.g., Marcel Berlins, &quot;Writ Large&quot;, ''The Guardian'', February 1, 1994).

==D==
* In order for music to free itself, it will have to pass over to the other side — there where territories tremble, where the structures collapse, where the [[w:ethos|ethoses]] get mixed up, where a powerful song of the earth is unleashed, the great [[w:ritornello|ritornelles]] that transmutes all the airs it carries away and makes return.
** [[Gilles Deleuze]], from his ''Essays Critical and Clinical'', p. 104.

* One of my friends whom I hold in high esteem admitted to me the other day that when he wants to work nowadays … he has to turn on his radio. The droning of the loudspeaker—so he says—puts him in a favorable frame of mind and ideas pour out. I cannot help but thinking that this is not the act of a true musician. For thought has a rhythm of its own, which must either clash with the rhythm from outside and lose energy, or else submit to the outer impulse in restless slavery.
** [[Georges Duhamel]], ''In Defense of Letters'' (1937), E. Bozman, trans. (1939), p. 34

* Music is like a [[mirror]] in front of you. You're exposing everything, but surely that's better than suppressing. … You have to dig deep and that can be hard for anybody, no matter what profession. I feel that I need to actually push myself to the limit to feel [[happy]] with the [[end]] [[result]].
** [[Enya]], as quoted in &quot;Everyone thinks I'm so shockable&quot;, an interview with Neil McCormick in ''The Telegraph'' (24 November 2005).

==E==
* Better to listen to a wise man’s rebuke than to listen to the song of fools.
** [[Ecclesiastes]] 7:5

==F==
* It appears to me that the subject of music, from Machaut to Boulez, has always been its construction. Melodies of 12-tone rows just don't happen. They must be constructed. … To demonstrate any formal idea in music, whether structure or stricture, is a matter of construction, in which the methodology is the controlling metaphor of the composition... Only by 'unfixing' the elements traditionally used to construct a piece of music could the sounds exist in themselves—not as symbols, or memories which were memories of other music to begin with.
** [[Morton Feldman]], quoted in {{cite book| title=Classic Essays on Twentieth-Century Music| id={{ISBN|0028645812}}| author=Kostelanetz, Richard (editor) and Joseph Darby (editor)}}

==G==
[[File:James_Hetfield_with_Metallica_--_7_October_2004.jpg|thumb|right|''Music is something everyone on Earth can share. Music is meant to heal us, to bring us together, to make us happy.'']]
* Music is something everyone on Earth can share. Music is meant to heal us, to bring us together, to make us happy.
** [[Ariana Grande]], [https://twitter.com/ArianaGrande/status/868164986887176192 ''Twitter'' statement on the Manchester terrorist attack] (May 2017)

* The emphasis of study upon a particular aspect of music is in itself ideological because it contains implications about the music's value.
** {{cite book| title=Key Terms in Popular Music and Culture| author=Green, Lucy| year=1999| id={{ISBN|0631212639}}| chapter=Ideology}}

==H==
* Music has no subject beyond the combinations of notes we hear, for music speaks not only by means of sounds, it speaks nothing but sound.
** [[Eduard Hanslick]], quoted by Wolfgang Sandberger (1996) in the liner notes to the [[w:Juilliard String Quartet|Juilliard String Quartet's]] ''Intimate Letters''. Sony Classical SK 66840.

* We must ask whether a cross-cultural musical universal is to be found in the music itself (either its structure or function) or the way in which music is made.  By 'music-making,' I intend not only actual performance but also how music is heard, understood, even learned.
** Dane Harwood (1976:522). &quot;Universals in Music: A Perspective from Cognitive Psychology&quot;, ''Ethnomusicology'' 20, no. 3:521-33.

* If there's one thing the [[US military]] enjoys more than keeping our womenfolk in silk stockings during the second world war, it's bombarding its enemies with objectively terrible music. Just last week a report crept out about a group of special psychological operations officers who drive around [[Afghanistan]] in an armoured vehicle and blast the locals with [[Taliban]]-peeving music like [[Metallica]], [[w:Thin Lizzy|Thin Lizzy]] and [[w:The Offspring|the Offspring]] at earth-shaking volume. &lt;br&gt; The technique is called acoustic bombardment and – along with sensory deprivation and good old-fashioned sexual humiliation – is one of the military's favourite non-lethal coercion techniques. The music itself tends to be exactly the type of aggressively macho fare you'd expect. Metallica are always near the top of the pile, along with [[Eminem]], [[Dr. Dre]], [[Bruce Springsteen]]'s [[w:Born in the U.S.A|Born In The USA]] – presumably because officers are experimenting with [[torture]] by profound lyrical [[sarcasm]] – and nonsense like Fuck Your God by gormless [[w:Death metal|death metal]] quartet [[w:Deicide (band)|Deicide]]. [[w:David Gray (musician)|David Gray]]'s [[w:Babylon (David Gray song)|Babylon]] used to be on the playlist but it's fallen out of favour, either because Gray expressed his outrage, or because top brass realised that no crime is serious enough to warrant being made to listen to it more than once within a single lifetime. &lt;br&gt; The problem with acoustic bombardment, though, is that it plainly doesn't work. Just because I'd confess to hundreds of atrocities the second that someone started flapping a copy of [[w:St Anger|St Anger]] in my face, chances are that the Taliban probably wouldn't.
** Stuart Heritage, [https://www.theguardian.com/music/2010/apr/17/metallica-miltary-weapon-glee “Why use Metallica as a military weapon when Glee is available?”], ''The Guardian'', (16 Apr 2010)

* The human attitude of which classical music is the expression is always the same; it is always based on the same kind of insight into life and strives for the same kind of victory over blind change. Classical music as gesture signifies knowledge of the tragedy of the human condition, affirmation of human destiny, courage, cheerful serenity.
** [[Herman Hesse]], ''[[w:The Glass Bead Game|The Glass Bead Game]]''.

* We consider classical music to be the epitome and quintessence of our culture, because it is that culture’s clearest, most significant gesture and expression. In this music we possess the heritage of classical antiquity and Christianity, a spirit of serenely cheerful and brave piety, a superbly chivalric morality. For in the final analysis every important cultural gesture comes down to a morality, a model for [[human behavior]] concentrated into a gesture.
** [[Herman Hesse]], Joseph Knecht in ''[[The Glass Bead Game]]'', R. Winton, trans. (1990)

*A chord is by no means an agglomeration of intervals. It is a new unit which, although dependent on the formative power of the single interval, is felt as being self-existent and as giving to the constituent intervals meanings and functions which they otherwise would not have.
**[[w:Paul Hindemith|Paul Hindemith]] (1952: 72). ''A Composer's World''. Cambridge, Mass.

* Elected Silence, sing to me
:And beat upon my whorlèd ear,
:Pipe me to pastures still and be
:The music that I care to hear.
:* [[Gerard Manley Hopkins]], &quot;The Habit of Perfection&quot;

* We can no longer maintain any distinction between music and discourse about music, between the supposed object of analysis and the terms of analysis.
** {{cite book| title=Key Terms in Popular Music and Culture| author=Bruce Horner| year=1999| id={{ISBN|0631212639}}| chapter=Discourse}}

* Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent.
** [[Victor Hugo]], ''[[w:William Shakespeare (essay)|William Shakespeare]] (1864) Part I, Book II, Chapter IV [http://fr.wikisource.org/wiki/William_Shakespeare_-_I_-_II.4]

==I==
* [[Love]] is the only bow on [[Life]]'s dark cloud. It is the morning and the evening [[star]]. It shines upon the babe, and sheds its radiance on the quiet tomb. It is the mother of [[art]], inspirer of [[poet]], [[patriot]] and [[philosopher]]. It is the [[air]] and [[light]] of every heart — builder of every [[home]], kindler of every [[fire]] on every hearth. It was the first to [[dream]] of immortality. It fills the [[world]] with melody — for music is the [[voice]] of love. Love is the [[Magic|magician]], the enchanter, that changes worthless things to [[Joy]], and makes royal kings and queens of common clay. It is the perfume of that wondrous [[flower]], the heart, and without that sacred [[passion]], that divine swoon, we are less than beasts; but with it, [[earth]] is [[heaven]], and we are [[gods]].
** [[Robert G. Ingersoll]]'', Orthodoxy'' (1884).

* ''Itaque sine Musica nulla disciplina potest esse perfecta, nihil enim sine illa. Nam et ipse mundus quadam harmonia sonorum fertur esse conpositus, et coelum ipsud sub harmoniae modulatione revolvi.''
** And without music there can be no perfect knowledge, for there is nothing without it. For even the universe itself is said to have been put together with a certain harmony of sounds, and the very heavens revolve under the guidance of harmony.
** [[Isidore of Seville]], ''Etymologiae'' Bk. 3, ch. 17, sect. 1; p. 137. &lt;small&gt;Translations and page-numbers are taken from Ernest Brehaut ''An Encyclopedist of the Dark Ages: Isidore of Seville'' (New York: B. Franklin, [1912] 1964).&lt;/small&gt; Bk. 3, ch. 17, sect. 1; p. 137.

==J==
* And they are singing as if a new song before the throne and before the four living creatures and the elders; and no one was able to master that song but the hundred and forty-four thousand, who have been bought from the earth.
** [[John of Patmos]], [[Revelation]] 14:3, NWT.

==K==
* Our study adds relatively little to the volumes that have been written about the [[w:Digital|digital]] transition in the music industry - often held up as the &quot;canary in the coal mine&quot; for other [[media]] markets. We share the increasingly consensual view that the situation is better understood as a crisis of the high-margin CD business-and of the &quot;big four&quot; record labels ([[w:EMI|EMI]], [[w:Sony Music Entertainment|Sony Music Entertainment]], the [[w:Universal Music Group|Universal Music Group]], and [[w:Warner Music Group|Warner Music Group]]), which have relied nearly exclusively on it for their profits - rather than a crisis of the music business in general. The decline in this side of the business had, without doubt, been precipitious (see figure 1.3). According to the IFPI, global recorded music sales dropped from $33.7 bilion in 001 to $18.4 bilion in 2008 - almost entirely attributable to the decine of CD sales. In the [[United States]], CD sales fell from $7 bilion in 2004 to $3.1 billin in 2008 - a stuation somewhat mitigated by the rise in digital sales from zero to $1.8 billion in that period. Recorded music sales in most other countries have been in similar free fall. Between 2004 and 2008, [[Brazilian]] recorded music sales shrank from $399 million to $179 million; [[Russian]] sales dropped from $352 million to $221 million; sales in [[Mexico]] from $ 237 million to $145 million. In [[South Africa]], considered a bright spot in international sales, sales grew through 2007 - peaking at $129 million before falling to $199 million in 2008.
** Joe Karaganis, [https://books.google.com/books/about/Media_Piracy_in_Emerging_Economies.html?id=AHo3AgAAQBAJ&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;source=kp_read_button#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false &quot;Media Piracy in Emerging Economies&quot;], (2011), p. 41.

* The [[w:CD|CD]]'s sharp decline in the [[United States]] has been offset by the growth in digital sales and concert revenues: the latter more than tripled, from $1.3 billion in 1998 to $4.2 billion in 2008. Such numbers point to a shift from a high-margin industry dominated by CD sales, the album format, and the big four labels to a lower-margin business with more emphasis on performance and related rights. They do not, in our view, point to an existential threat to the music business, much less to music culture. &lt;br&gt; [[Developing countries]] share in these trends including the fall in CD sales and the growth of the [[w:Live performance|live-performance]] market. But the structure of the global marketplace also creates important points of divergence. In broad terms, this structure is relatively simple, marked by (1) the near complete dominance of the big four labels in most developing markets - some 84% of the market in [[Brazil]], 82% in [[Mexico]], and 78% in [[South Africa]], for example, (2) the concentration of 80% - 85% of revenues in the [[United States]], [[w:Western Europe|Western Europe]], [[Japan]], [[Australia]], and [[Canada]], and (3) the absence, in most developing countries, of strong domestic competitors capable of building viable alternative distribution strategies, such as Apple and other digital distributors are doing in the United States. &lt;br&gt; In practice, these factors reinforce the high-price, very-small-market dynamic visible in most developing countries. They create a context in which the big four labels have every incentive to protect high-income markets but little incentive to change their pricing strategies in low - and middle-income markets. Compared to high-value markets like the United States, the United Kingdom, and Japan, the [[w:Emerging market|emerging markets]] are simply inconsequential. Price cuts to expand the market in Brazil, South Africa, or Mexio would have a very limited upside in this context and a potentially serious downside if they began to undermine pricing conventions in the high-income markets. The major's evaluation of this tradeoff is clear: none have significantly lowered prices in emerging markets.
** Joe Karaganis, [https://books.google.com/books/about/Media_Piracy_in_Emerging_Economies.html?id=AHo3AgAAQBAJ&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;source=kp_read_button#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false &quot;Media Piracy in Emerging Economies&quot;], (2011), p. 43

* Recent [[w:IIPA|IIPA]] reports cite rates of music piracy in excess of 90% in [[China]], [[India]], [[Mexico]], and [[Brazil]]. Less and less of this traffic takes place on the street, as physical piracy shifts toward the narrower stock and higher margins of [[w:DVD|DVDs]].
** Joe Karaganis, [https://books.google.com/books/about/Media_Piracy_in_Emerging_Economies.html?id=AHo3AgAAQBAJ&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;source=kp_read_button#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false &quot;Media Piracy in Emerging Economies&quot;], (2011), p. 44

* The limit case, in our studies, is [[Bolivia]], where the impasse of high prices, low incomes, and ubiquitous piracy shuttered all but one local label in the early 2000s and drove the majors out altogether. The tiny Bolivian legal market, worth only $20 million at its peak, was destroyed. But Bolivian music culture was not. Below the depleted high-end commercial landscape our work documents the emergence of a generation of new producers, artists, and commercial practices much of it rooted in indigenous communities and distributed through informal markets. The resulting mix of pirated goods, promotional CDs and low-priced recordings has created, for the first time in that country, a popular market for recorded music. For the vast majority of Bolivians, recorded music has never been so prolific or affordable.
** Joe Karaganis, [https://books.google.com/books/about/Media_Piracy_in_Emerging_Economies.html?id=AHo3AgAAQBAJ&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;source=kp_read_button#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false &quot;Media Piracy in Emerging Economies&quot;], (2011), p.44.

* Music is the Language of Love.
** [[w:Eyran Katsenelenbogen|Eyran Katsenelenbogen]], ''One Time'' (2016)

* Improvise like a composer; compose like an improviser.
** [[w:Eyran Katsenelenbogen|Eyran Katsenelenbogen]], ''One Time'' (2018)

* Musical virtuosity is not the ability to play something fast, but to learn it slowly.
** [[w:Eyran Katsenelenbogen|Eyran Katsenelenbogen]], ''One Time'' (2018)

* We are the composers of the music of our lives.
** [[w:Eyran Katsenelenbogen|Eyran Katsenelenbogen]], ''One Time'' (2021)

* Language addresses itself to the ear. No other medium does this. The ear is the most spiritually determined of the senses. That I believe most men will admit. Aside from language, music is the only medium that addresses itself to the ear. Herein is again an analogy and a testimony concerning the sense in which music is a language. … Language has time as its element; all other media have space as their element. Music is the only other one that takes place in time. … Music exists only in the moment of its performance, for if one were ever so skillful in reading notes and had ever so lively an imagination, it cannot be denied that it is only in an unreal sense that music exists when it is read. It really exists only being performed. This might seem to be an imperfection in this art as compared with the others whose productions remain, because they have their existence in the sensuous. Yet this is not so. It is rather a proof of the fact that music is a higher, or more spiritual art.
** [[Søren Kierkegaard]] ''Either/Or Part I'', Swenson p. 66-67.

[[File:Tuku Junior High School Chinese Orchestra 土庫國中國樂團.jpg|thumb|According to the Teachings of [[Plato]], music should not be understood in the narrow sense of music alone, but as participation in all the harmonious arts...  One should learn how to develop one's own musicality by all possible means. The heart's feeling is sensed not in the words themselves but in their sound. There can be no irritation in harmony. Malice cannot exist where the spirit ascends.  ~ [[Koot Hoomi]] ]]

*Urusvati has developed her musical talent beautifully. This proficiency is achieved as the result of much labor in [[Reincarnation|other lives]]. 42.
**[[Koot Hoomi]], ''Supermundane''  (1938)

*According to the Teachings of [[Plato]], music should not be understood in the narrow sense of music alone, but as participation in all the harmonious arts. In singing, in poetry, in painting, in sculpture, in architecture, in speech, and, finally, in all manifestations of sound, musicality is expressed. In Hellas a ceremony to all the Muses was performed. Tragedy, dance, and all rhythmic movement served the harmony of [[Cosmos]]. Much is spoken about [[beauty]], but the importance of [[harmony]] is little understood. Beauty is an uplifting concept, and each offering to beauty is an offering to the equilibrium of Cosmos. Everyone who expresses music in himself sacrifices, not for himself, but for others, for humanity, for Cosmos. 42.
**[[Koot Hoomi]], ''Supermundane''  (1938)

*[[Perfection]] of thought is an expression of beautiful musicality. The highest rhythm is the best prophylaxis, a pure bridge to the highest worlds. Thus We affirm Beauty in Our Abode. Urusvati has noted that the music of the spheres is characterized by a harmony of rhythm. It is precisely this quality that brings [[inspiration]] to humanity. People usually do not think about the sources of inspiration, but if they did they would help Our work greatly.  42.
**[[Koot Hoomi]], ''Supermundane''  (1938)

*You know about the special musical instruments that are in Our possession. Urusvati has heard them. The refined scale and rhythm of Sister Oriole should be acknowledged as the highest harmony. Often such singing has served to bring [[peace]] to the world, and even the servants of darkness have retreated before its harmonies.&lt;br&gt; One should learn how to develop one’s own musicality by all possible means. 42.
**[[Koot Hoomi]], ''Supermundane''  (1938)

*The heart’s feeling is sensed not in the words themselves but in their sound. There can be no irritation in [[harmony]]. [[Malice]] cannot exist where the spirit ascends. It is not by chance that in antiquity the epic scriptures were sung, not only to facilitate memorizing but also for inspiration. Likewise, it is rhythm and harmony that protect us against fatigue. 42.
**[[Koot Hoomi]], ''Supermundane''  (1938)

*The quality of music and rhythm should be developed from infancy. 42.
**[[Koot Hoomi]], ''Supermundane''  (1938)

==L==
* But music moves us, and we know not why;&lt;br /&gt;We feel the tears, but cannot trace their source.&lt;br /&gt;Is it the language of some other state,&lt;br /&gt;Born of its memory ? For what can wake&lt;br /&gt;The soul's strong instinct of another world,&lt;br /&gt;Like music?
** [[Letitia Elizabeth Landon]], ''Erinna'', The Golden Violet (1827)

* We would liken music to Aladdin’s lamp — worthless in itself, not so for the spirits which obey its call. We love it for the buried hopes, the garnered memories, the tender feelings, it can summon with a touch.
** [[Letitia Elizabeth Landon]], ''[[Romance and Reality]]'' (1831) Vol I, Chapter 8, page 64
   
*What a change will come over our conceptions of art and music also for the artist of that day there will be many more colors and many more shades of color than those of which we now know, for the knowledge of the higher planes brings as one of its earliest results the  power of appreciating all these different hues. The music of that day will be accompanied by color, just as the color studies will be accompanied by harmonious sound; for sound and color are simply two aspects of every ordered motion, so that a magnificent piece played upon the organ will be accompanied by a splendid display of glowing color, and thus another interest will be added to the delight of glorious music, and an additional advantage will in this way be enjoyed by the  students of music and art.  p.  344 
**[[Charles Webster Leadbeater]], ''Some Glimpses of Occultism: Ancient and Modern'' (1903)

* He sat still a long time. Music will not save us, Otto Egorin had said. Not you, or me, or her, the big golden-voiced woman who had no children and wanted none; not Lehmann who sang the song; not Schubert who had written it and was a hundred years dead. What good is music? None, Gaye thought, and that is the point. To the world and its states and armies and factories and Leaders, music says, “you are irrelevant”; and, arrogant and gentle as a god, to the suffering man it says only, “Listen.” For being saved is not the point. Music saves nothing. Merciful, uncaring, it denies and breaks down all the shelters, the houses men build for themselves, that they may see the sky.
** [[Ursula K. Le Guin]], ''An die Musik'' (first published in ''The Western Humanities Review'' (1961) Vol. 15, No. 3)

* ''Hey Jude, don't make it bad &lt;br&gt; Take a sad song and make it better &lt;br&gt; Remember to let her into your heart &lt;br&gt; Then you can start to make it better''
** {{w|Lennon–McCartney}}, ''{{w|Hey Jude}}'' (1968)

* ''Musica est exercitium arithmeticae occultum nescientis se numerare animi.''
** Music is a hidden arithmetic exercise of the soul, which does not know that it is counting.
*** [[Leibniz|Leibniz, Gottfried Wilhelm]]. From a letter to {{w|Christian Goldbach}}, April 17, 1712. Quot. after: Schäfke, R. ''Geschichte der Musikästhetik in Umrissen''. Mit einem Vorwort von Werner Korte. 2 Aufl. Tutzing, Schneider, 1964, S. 289

* The story of your brain on music is the story of an exquisite orchestration of brain regions, involving both the oldest and newest parts of the human brain, and regions as far apart as the cerebellum in the back of the head and the frontal lobes just behind your eyes. It involves a precision choreography... between logical prediction systems and emotional reward systems. ...it reminds us of other music we have heard, and it activates memory traces of emotional times of our lives. Your brain on music is all about... connections.
** [[Daniel Levitin]], ''This is Your Brain on Music'' (2006)

* So much of the research on musical expertise has looked for accomplishment in the wrong place, in the facility of the fingers rather than the expressiveness of emotion.
** Daniel Levitin, ''This is Your Brain on Music'' (2006)

* Music, or any art form... has to strike the right balance between simplicity and complexity.
** [[Daniel Levitin]], ''This is Your Brain on Music'' (2006)

* Music is one of the fairest and most glorious gifts of God, to which Satan is a bitter enemy; for it removes from the [[heart]] the weight of [[sorrow]], and the fascination of [[evil]] [[thoughts]].
** {{w|Martin Luther}}

==M==
* We're blues people. And blues never lets tragedy have the last word.
** [[Wynton Marsalis]] in Smithsonian Magazine, November 2005.

* Music is [[reflection]] of [[self]], we just explain it, and then we get our checks in the mail.
** [[Eminem|Marshall Mathers]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7pJohXna9qg &quot;Sing For the Moment&quot;], ''The Eminem Show'' (2002), Universal Music Group North America

* Most people have music in the center of their lives. I believe my work sheds light on how music affects us and why it is so influential.
** Susan McClary, quoted in {{cite web| url=http://www.ucla.edu/spotlight/archive/html_2001_2002/fac0502_mcclalry.html| title=Spotlight: Susan McClary, Musicologist| date=May 2002| author=Sullivan, Meg}}

* Of what use is musical knowledge? Here is one idea. Each child spends endless days in curious ways; we call this play. A child stacks and packs all kinds of blocks and boxes, lines them up, and knocks them down. … Clearly, the child is learning about space! ... how on earth does one learn about time? Can one time fit inside another? Can two of them go side by side? In music, we find out!
** [[Marvin Minsky]], [http://web.media.mit.edu/~minsky/papers/MusicMindMeaning.html &quot;Music, Mind, and Meaning&quot;] (1981).

* Listening to music engages the previously acquired personal knowledge of the listener.
** [[Marvin Minsky]], &quot;Music, Mind, and Meaning&quot; ibid.

* We must see that [[w:Music theory|music theory]] is not only about music, but about how people process it. To understand any art, we must look below its surface into the psychological details of its creation and absorption.
** [[Marvin Minsky]], &quot;Music, Mind, and Meaning&quot; ibid.

* Music makes things in our minds, but afterward most of them fade away. What remains? ...perhaps what we learn is not the music itself but a way of hearing it.
** [[Marvin Minsky]], &quot;Music, Mind, and Meaning&quot; ibid.

* All aspects of musical practice may be disengaged, and privileged, in order to give birth to new forms of variation: variations on the relationships between the composer and the performer, between the conductor and the performer, between the performers, between the performer and the listener, variations upon gestures, variations on silence that end in a mute music that is still music because it preserves still something of the musical totality of the tradition...all elements belonging to the total musical fact may be separated and taken as a strategic variable of musical production. This autonomization serves as true musical experimentation: little by little, the individual variables that make up a total musical fact are brought to light. Any particular music then appears as one that has made a choice among these variables, and that has privileged a certain number of them. Under these conditions, musical analysis would have to begin by recognizing the strategic variables characteristic of a given musical system: musical invention and musical analysis lend each other mutual aid.
** [[w:Jean Molino|Jean Molino]] quoted in {{cite book| title=Music and Discourse: Toward a Semiology of Music| pages=42–43| id={{ISBN|0691027145}}| author=Jean-Jacques Nattiez, Abbate, Carolyn (translator)| year=1987 (original), 1990 (translation)}}
[[File:WMK - Becher Ode an die Freude.jpg|thumb|Pure music helps... We pray by sounds and by symbols of Beauty. The heart and mind do not conflict when they sail the Ocean of Creative Labor. And the wings of the bird of the spirit, atremble, will soar upon the breeze of harmony. ~ [[Morya]]]]
* Being in a band is really great when you're 20. When you're 30, it's kind of 'Spinal Tap,' and when you're 40, it's just pathetic.
** [[w:Mark Mothersbaugh|Mark Mothersbaugh]] of [[Devo]], quoted in {{cite news| publisher=New York Times| title=Make a Myth, Whip It Good| date=2001-04-18}}

* Pure music helps the transmission of the current. We pray by sounds and by symbols of Beauty. The heart and mind do not conflict when they sail the Ocean of Creative Labor. And the wings of the bird of the spirit, atremble, will soar upon the breeze of harmony. 181.
** [[Morya]], ''Leaves of Morya’s Garden I,''  (1924)

* People feel sometimes something singing within them. Such a song is never disharmonious. One can rejoice when such vibrations stir one’s being.   18.
** [[Morya]],  ''Fiery World II'' (1934) 

* Once, according to an old legend, there came a messenger from a distant world to give people equality, brotherhood and joy. Long since had people forgotten their songs. They remained in a stupor of hate. The messenger banished darkness and crowdedness, smote infection, and instituted joyful labor. Hatred was stilled, and the sword of the messenger remained on the wall. But all were silent and knew not how to begin singing. Then the messenger assembled the little children, led them into the woods, and said to them: “These are your flowers, your brooks, your trees. No one has followed us. I shall rest—and you fill yourselves with joy.” Thereupon, timidly they ventured into the forest. At last the littlest one came to a meadow and sighted a ray of the sun. Then a yellow oriole sounded its call. The little one followed it, whispering. And soon joyously he sang out, “The sun is ours!” One by one the children gathered upon the meadow, and a new hymn to Light rang out. The messenger said: “Man has again begun to sing. Come is the date!”  162
** [[Morya]], ''New Era Community''  (1926)

* Among one’s human [[Incarnation|incarnations]] there is invariably found an incarnation devoted to rhythmic labor. Whether this be some sort of craftsmanship or music, singing or farm work, every man infallibly will cultivate in himself the rhythm which fills all of life. Upon learning of certain incarnations, people frequently are astonished as to why they should have been so insignificant. But in them there was being worked out the rhythm of labor. One of the greatest of qualities, this must be acquired through [[conflict]] and [[patience]].  49.
** [[Morya]],  ''Brotherhood'' (1937)

* All music is just performances of [[w:4′33″|4'33&quot;]] in studios where another band happened to be playing at the time.
:* [[Randall Munroe]] in ''[[xkcd]] [http://xkcd.com/1199/ 1199]''

==N==
* If we compel the composer to write in terms of what the listener is able to hear, we flirt with the danger of ''freezing'' the evolution of musical language, whose progressive development comes about through ''transgressions'' of a given era's perceptual habits.&quot;
** {{cite book| title=Music and Discourse: Toward a Semiology of Music| id={{ISBN|0691027145}}| author=[[w:Jean-Jacques_Nattiez|Jean-Jacques Nattiez]], Abbate, Carolyn (translator)| year=1987 (original), 1990 (translation)}}

* Without music, life would be a mistake.
** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], ''[[w:Twilight of the Idols|Götzen-Dämmerung]]'' (''Twilight of the Idols'').

* While music has long been recognized as an effective form of therapy to provide an outlet for emotions, the notion of using song, sound frequencies and rhythm to treat physical ailments is a relatively new domain, says psychologist Daniel J. Levitin, PhD, who studies the neuroscience of music at McGill University in Montreal. A wealth of new studies is touting the benefits of music on mental and physical health. For example, in a meta-analysis of 400 studies, Levitin and his postgraduate research fellow, Mona Lisa Chanda, PhD, found that music improves the body's [[immune system]] function and reduces [[stress]]. Listening to music was also found to be more effective than prescription drugs in reducing [[anxiety]] before [[surgery]] (Trends in Cognitive Sciences, April, 2013).
** Amy Novotney, [https://www.apa.org/monitor/2013/11/music “Music as medicine”], ''APA.org'', “Monitor on Psychology”, November 2013, Vol 44, No. 10 

* &quot;We've found compelling evidence that musical interventions can play a health-care role in settings ranging from operating rooms to family clinics,&quot; says Levitin, author of the book &quot;This is Your Brain on Music&quot; (Plume/Penguin, 2007). The analysis also points to just how music influences health. The researchers found that listening to and playing music increase the body's production of the antibody immunoglobulin A and natural killer cells — the cells that attack invading viruses and boost the immune system's effectiveness. Music also reduces levels of the stress hormone cortisol.
** Amy Novotney, [https://www.apa.org/monitor/2013/11/music “Music as medicine”], ''APA.org'', “Monitor on Psychology”, November 2013, Vol 44, No. 10 

* One recent study on the link between music and stress found that music can help soothe pediatric emergency room patients (JAMA Pediatrics, July, 2013). In the trial with 42 children ages 3 to 11, University of Alberta researchers found that patients who listened to relaxing music while getting an IV inserted reported significantly less [[pain]], and some demonstrated significantly less [[distress]], compared with patients who did not listen to music. In addition, in the music-listening group, more than two-thirds of the health-care providers reported that the IVs were very easy to administer — compared with 38 percent of providers treating the group that did not listen to music.
** Amy Novotney, [https://www.apa.org/monitor/2013/11/music “Music as medicine”], ''APA.org'', “Monitor on Psychology”, November 2013, Vol 44, No. 10 

* &quot;There is growing scientific evidence showing that the brain responds to music in very specific ways,&quot; says Lisa Hartling, PhD, professor of pediatrics at the University of Alberta and lead author of the study. &quot;Playing music for kids during painful medical procedures is a simple intervention that can make a big difference.&quot; &lt;br&gt; Music can help adult patients, too. Researchers at Khoo Teck Puat Hospital in Singapore found that patients in palliative care who took part in live music therapy sessions reported relief from persistent pain (Progress in Palliative Care, July, 2013). Music therapists worked closely with the patients to individually tailor the intervention, and patients took part in singing, instrument playing, lyric discussion and even song writing as they worked toward accepting an illness or weighed end-of-life issues.  &lt;br&gt; &quot;Active music engagement allowed the patients to reconnect with the healthy parts of themselves, even in the face of a debilitating condition or disease-related suffering,&quot; says music therapist Melanie Kwan, co-author of the study and president of the Association for Music Therapy, Singapore. &quot;When their acute pain symptoms were relieved, patients were finally able to rest.&quot;
** Amy Novotney, [https://www.apa.org/monitor/2013/11/music “Music as medicine”], ''APA.org'', “Monitor on Psychology”, November 2013, Vol 44, No. 10 

==O==
* The main thing is not to lose your identity and to continue working ... You have a quartet. That is such joy! You can forget everything else in the world. I'm playing a lot of chamber music these days. Tomorrow we were going to give the first performance of two trios, but because of the mourning, all concerts have been canceled.
** [[David Oistrakh]], [http://www.nytimes.com/1989/03/05/magazine/the-night-stalin-died.html?module=Search&amp;mabReward=relbias:r&amp;pagewanted=2 nytimes.com]

==P==
* The talk about the poets seems to me like a commonplace entertainment to which a vulgar company have recourse; who, because they are not able to converse or amuse one another, while they are drinking, with the sound of their own voices and conversation, by reason of their stupidity, raise the price of flute-girls in the market, hiring for a great sum the voice of a flute instead of their own breath, to be the medium of intercourse among them: but where the company are real gentlemen and men of education, you will see no flute-girls, nor dancing-girls, nor harp-girls; and they have no nonsense or games, but are contented with one another’s conversation, of which their own voices are the medium, and which they carry on by turns and in an orderly manner, even though they are very liberal in their potations. And a company like this of ours, and men such as we profess to be, do not require the help of another’s voice, or of the poets whom you cannot interrogate about the meaning of what they are saying; people who cite them declaring, some that the poet has one meaning, and others that he has another, and the point which is in dispute can never be decided. This sort of entertainment they decline, and prefer to talk with one another, and put one another to the proof in conversation. And these are the models which I desire that you and I should imitate. Leaving the poets, and keeping to ourselves, let us try the mettle of one another and make proof of the truth in conversation.
** [[Plato]], ''Protagoras'' in Protagoras 347c, Benjamin Jowett, trans

* Musical training is a more potent instrument than any other, because rhythm and harmony find their way into the inward places of the soul; on which they mightily fasten, imparting grace, and making the soul of him who is rightly educated graceful, or of him who is ill-educated ungraceful.
** [[Plato]], ''The Republic'', Book 3

* In this day and time you can't even get sick; you are strung-out! Well by God, I'll tell you something, friend: I have never been strung-out in my life, except on music!
** [[Elvis Presley]], [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wXH95kHlj7 Las Vegas Hilton, Sept. 1974]

==R==
* As a society built upon the very ideals of ecumenicalism and catholicity, as the leading technological and industrial nation of our time, and as the principal nexus between European high art and the musics of other classes and cultures, America stands at the forefront of the music of tomorrow.
** [[w:John Rockwell|John Rockwell]] (1983). ''All American Music: Composition in the Late Twentieth Century''. New York: Alfred A. Knopf. {{ISBN|0394511638}}.

* Composers have different ways of getting their message out.  So, when my teacher told me not to be a snob, this is what he did that put me right in my place.  I mean, man, I was such a [[w:jazz|jazz]] snob, and he said to me, when I cracked on him about &quot;[[w:Sugar, Sugar|Sugar, Sugar]]&quot;, he said, &quot;'''Let me tell you something little brother, any song that makes it into the [[w:Top 40|Top 40]] is a great composition.'''&quot;  And I said, &quot;Why would you call it a great composition?&quot;, [[w:Ted Dunbar|Ted]].  And he said, &quot;'''Because it speaks to the souls of a million strangers.'''&quot; I was like, &quot;Whoo!&quot;  I was like &quot;Pap, smack little kid, now go sit down, and write 'Do-do-do-do' -- punk.  Huh huh.  Go sit down and write that.&quot;  I did...
** [[w:Nile Rodgers|Nile Rodgers]], in ''Front and Center'', &quot;The Songwriters Hall of Fame: Nile Rodgers&quot; (2017)  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KR2WQyeWTnI

* Ah, music,&quot; he said, wiping his eyes. &quot;A magic far beyond all we do here! And now, bedtime. Off you trot!
** [[J. K. Rowling]], ''[[Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone]]'', spoken by [[Albus Dumbledore]]

* It's not about your music. It's about what ''makes'' your music your music. You've got to have a feeling like that. You have to have a reason for your music. Have something besides the technical. Make it for something. Make it for kindness, make it for peace, whatever it is. You know what I mean?
** {{w|Sonny Rollins}}, in [https://www.newyorker.com/culture/the-new-yorker-interview/sonny-rollins-on-the-pandemic-protests-and-music &quot;Sonny Rollins on the Pandemic, Protests and Music&quot;] by Daniel King, in ''The New Yorker'' (June 11, 2020)

==S==
* I might as well endeavour to perswade, that the Sun is a glorious, and beneficial Planet; as take pains to Illustrate Musick with my imperfect praises; for every reasonable Mans own mind will be its Advocate. Musick, belov'd of Heaven, for it is the business of Angels; Desired on Earth as the most charming Pleasure of Men. The world contains nothing that is good, but what is full of Harmonious Concord, nor nothing that is evil, but is its opposite, as being the ill favour'd production of Discord and Disorder. I dare affirm, those that love not Musick (if there be any such) are Dissenters from Ingenuity, and Rebels to the Monarchy of Reason.
** {{cite book| title=The Genteel Companion| author=Humphrey Salter| year=1683}}

* Music is essentially useless, as life is. 
** [[George Santayana]], ''Life of Reason'' (1905) vol. 4, ch. 4

* The effect of music is so very much more powerful and penetrating than is that of the other arts, for these others speak only of the shadow, but music of the essence.
** [[Arthur Schopenhauer]], ''The World as Will and Representation'' (1819) Vol. I, Ch. II.

* This art is ''music''. It stands quite apart from all the others. In it we do not recognize the copy, the repetition, of any Idea of the inner nature of the world. Yet it is such a great and exceedingly fine art, its effect on man's innermost nature is so powerful, and it is so completely and profoundly understood by him in his innermost being as an entirely universal language, whose distinctness surpasses even that of the world of perception itself, that in it we certainly have to look for more than that ''exercitium arithmeticae occultum nescientis se numerare animi'' [exercise in arithmetic in which the mind does not know it is counting] which [[Gottfried Leibniz|Leibniz]] took it to be.
** Arthur Schopenhauer, ''The World As Representation'': Second Aspect, Vol. I, Ch. III as translated by Eric F. J. Payne (1958).

* The term 'chromatic' is understood by musicians to refer to music which includes tones which are not members of the prevailing scale, and also as a word descriptive of those individually non-diatonic tones.
** {{cite book| title=Chromatic Harmony| author=J. Shir-Cliff| year=1965| publisher=The Free Press| id={{ISBN|0029286301}}| location=New York}}

* If music be the food of love, play on;&lt;br/&gt; Give me excess of it that, surfeiting,&lt;/br&gt; The appetite may sicken and so die.&lt;br/&gt;
** [[William Shakespeare]], Orsino in ''[[Twelfth Night]]'' Act I, sc. i.

* Music is the brandy of the damned.
** [[George Bernard Shaw]], in [[w:Man and Superman|Man and Superman]] (Act III) (1903).

* Music—the language of the immortals, disclosed to us as testimony of their existence...
** [[Mary Shelley]], ''The Last Man'' (1826)

*We give our souls to our music. We put our lives on the fucking wax and the labels treat us like shit.
**[[DMX (rapper)|Earl Simmons]], on the Backstreet Boys and label problems, as quoted in ''XXL Magazine''.

* Sometimes even in the habitual course of life, the reality of this world disappears all at once, and we feel ourselves in the middle of its interests as we should at a ball, where we did not hear the music; the dancing that we saw there would appear insane.
** Germaine de Staël, ''De l'Allemagne'' (1813) Information gathered from the [http://quoteinvestigator.com/2012/06/05/dance-insane/ Quote Investigator].

*[S]o far as music ever had a &quot;meaning&quot; beyond the immediate and exquisite value of the sound-pattern itself, its &quot;meaning&quot; must be simply an emotional attitude. It could never speak directly about the objective world, or &quot;the nature of existence&quot;; but it might create a complex emotional attitude which might be appropriate to some feature of the objective world, or to the universe as a whole.
** [[Olaf Stapledon]], ''[[w:Sirius (novel)|Sirius]]'' (1944).

* It was music, more than anything else, that led the Pythagoreans to believe that the universe is a harmonious place governed by numbers.
** [[w:Ian Stewart (mathematician)|Ian Stewart]], ''Another Fine Math You’ve Got Me Into'' (1992) p. 236

* I was ... attacked for being a pasticheur, chided for composing “simple” music, blamed for deserting “modernism,” accused of renouncing my “true Russian heritage.” People who had never heard of, or cared about, the originals cried “sacrilege”: “The classics are ours. Leave the classics alone.” To them all my answer was and is the same: You “respect,” but I love.
** [[Igor Stravinsky]], ''Expositions and Developments'' (1959), pp. 113-114

==T==
* The day you open your mind to music, you're halfway to opening your mind to life.
** [[Pete Townshend]] of [[the Who]], [[Pop Chronicles]], [http://digital.library.unt.edu/ark:/67531/metadc19778/m1/ Show 23 - Smack Dab in the Middle on Route 66. Part 2], interview recorded in London 2.5.1968 [http://www.library.unt.edu/resolveuid/48fe95aee842a128007590b91af79db3]

==V==
* Our musical alphabet is poor and illogical. Music, which should pulsate with life, needs new means of expression, and science alone can infuse it with youthful vigor. Why, Italian Futurists, have you slavishly reproduced only what is commonplace and boring in the bustle of our daily lives. I dream of instruments obedient to my thought and which with their contribution of a whole new world of unsuspected sounds, will lend themselves to the exigencies of my inner rhythm.
** [[Edgard Varese]], quoted in {{cite book| title=Classic Essays on Twentieth-Century Music| id={{ISBN|0028645812}}| author=Kostelanetz, Richard (editor) and Joseph Darby (editor)}}

==W==
* [[Steven Pinker]] … advances interesting ideas about understanding human mind in terms of “[[w:Reverse engineering|reverse engineering]]”: we see that adaptations to our environment have been achieved, and define our task as explaining the means by which these have come about. … But Pinker finds music making—universal in all cultures—to be anomalous. Which means there must be something basically wrong or missing in his view. [[William James|James]] could have told him what it is: To miss the joy is to miss all. … The fusion of reality and ideal novelty excites and empowers us, and does so because we are organisms which, to be vital, must celebrate our being.
** [[Bruce Wilshire]], ''Fashionable Nihilism'' (2002), p. 34

* ''Die Menschen heute glauben, die Wissenschaftler seien da, sie zu belehren, die Dichter und Musiker, etc., sie zu erfreuen. Daß diese sie etwas zu lehren haben; kommt ihnen nicht in den Sinn''.
** People nowadays think that scientists exist to instruct them, poets, musicians, etc. to give them pleasure. The idea that these have something to teach them—that does not occur to them.
** [[Ludwig Wittgenstein]], ''Culture and Value'' (1980), p. 36

* One day I said to myself that it would be better to get rid of all that—melody, rhythm, harmony, etc. This was not a negative thought and did not mean that it was necessary to avoid them, but rather that, while doing something else, they would appear spontaneously. We had to liberate ourselves from the direct and peremptory consequence of intention and effect, because the intention would always be our own and would be circumscribed, when so many other forces are evidently in action in the final effect.
** [[Christian Wolff]], quoted in {{cite book| title=Classic Essays on Twentieth-Century Music| id={{ISBN|0028645812}}| author=Kostelanetz, Richard (editor) and Joseph Darby (editor)}}

* Books! ‘tis a dull and endless strife:&lt;br&gt;Come, hear the woodland Linnet,&lt;br&gt;How sweet his music! on my life,&lt;br&gt;There’s more of wisdom in it.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;And hark! how blithe the Throstle sings!&lt;br&gt;He, too, is no mean preacher:&lt;br&gt;Come forth into the light of things,&lt;br&gt;Let Nature be your teacher.
** [[William Wordsworth]], “The Tables Turned; An Evening Scene, On the Same Subject”

==Z==
* '''Music is the only religion that delivers the goods.''' All music is good. It fulfills a social function. It's like wallpaper to your lifestyle. It defines what you are.
** [[Frank Zappa]], [https://www.newspapers.com/image/?clipping_id=75852428 &quot;Upbeat: Frank Zappa, self-styled mocker of mankind&quot;] by Clint Roswell, ''New York Daily News'' (September 30, 1979), p. B6

==''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations''==
:&lt;small&gt;Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 535-41.&lt;/small&gt;

* Music religious heat inspires,&lt;br&gt; It wakes the soul, and lifts it high,&lt;br&gt;And wings it with sublime desires,&lt;br&gt; And fits it to bespeak the Deity.
** [[Joseph Addison]], ''A Song for St. Cecilia's Day'', Stanza 4.

* Music exalts each joy, allays each grief,&lt;br&gt;Expels diseases, softens every pain,&lt;br&gt;Subdues the rage of poison, and the plague.
** [[John Armstrong]], ''The Art of Preserving Health'' (1744), Book IV, line 512.

* That rich celestial music thrilled the air&lt;br&gt;From hosts on hosts of shining ones, who thronged&lt;br&gt;Eastward and westward, making bright the night.
** [[Edwin Arnold]], ''Light of Asia'' (1879), Book IV, line 418.

* Music tells no truths.
** [[Philip James Bailey]], ''Festus'' (1813), scene A Village Feast.

* Rugged the breast that music cannot tame.
** [[J. C. Bampfylde]], ''Sonnet''.

* If music and sweet poetry agree.
** [[Richard Barnfield]], ''Sonnet''.

* Gayly the troubadour&lt;br&gt;Touched his guitar.
** [[Thomas Haynes Bayly]], ''Welcome Me Home''.

* I'm saddest when I sing.
** [[Thomas Haynes Bayly]], ''You think I have a merry heart''.

* God is its author, and not man; he laid&lt;br&gt;The key-note of all harmonies; he planned&lt;br&gt;All perfect combinations, and he made&lt;br&gt;Us so that we could hear and understand.
** [[John Gardiner Calkins Brainard]], ''Music''.

* The rustle of the leaves in summer's hush&lt;br&gt;When wandering breezes touch them, and the sigh&lt;br&gt;That filters through the forest, or the gush&lt;br&gt;That swells and sinks amid the branches high,—&lt;br&gt;'Tis all the music of the wind, and we&lt;br&gt;Let fancy float on this æolian breath.
** [[John Gardiner Calkins Brainard]], ''Music''.

*&quot;Music hath charms to soothe the savage beast,&quot;&lt;br&gt;And therefore proper at a sheriff's feast.
** [[James Bramston]], ''Man of Taste'', first line quoted from Prior.

* And sure there is music even in the beauty, and the silent note which Cupid strikes, far sweeter than the sound of an instrument; for there is music wherever there is harmony, order, or proportion; and thus far we may maintain the music of the spheres.
** Sir [[Thomas Browne]], ''Religio Medici'' (1642), Part II, Section IX. Use of the phrase &quot;Music of the Spheres&quot; given by Bishop Martin Fotherby, ''Athconastrix'', p. 315. (Ed. 1622). Said by Bishop [[John Wilkins]], ''Discovery of a New World'', I. 42. (Ed. 1694).

* Yet half the beast is the great god Pan,&lt;br&gt; To laugh, as he sits by the river,&lt;br&gt;Making a poet out of a man.&lt;br&gt;The true gods sigh for the cost and the pain—&lt;br&gt;For the reed that grows never more again&lt;br&gt; As a reed with the reeds of the river.
** [[Elizabeth Barrett Browning]], ''A Musical Instrument''.

* Her voice, the music of the spheres,&lt;br&gt;So loud, it deafens mortals' ears;&lt;br&gt;As wise philosophers have thought,&lt;br&gt;And that's the cause we hear it not.
** [[Samuel Butler (poet)|Samuel Butler]], ''Hudibras'', Part II (1664), Canto I, line 617.

* For discords make the sweetest airs.
** [[Samuel Butler (poet)|Samuel Butler]], ''Hudibras'', Part III (1678), Canto I, line 919.

* Soprano, basso, even the contra-alto&lt;br&gt;Wished him five fathom under the Rialto.
** [[Lord Byron]], ''Beppo'' (1818), Stanza 32.

* Music arose with its voluptuous swell,&lt;br&gt;Soft eyes look'd love to eyes which spake again,&lt;br&gt;And all went merry as a marriage bell.
** [[Lord Byron]], ''[[Childe Harold's Pilgrimage]]'', Canto III (1816), Stanza 21.

* There's music in the sighing of a reed;&lt;br&gt;  There's music in the gushing of a rill;&lt;br&gt;There's music in all things, if men had ears:&lt;br&gt;Their earth is but an echo of the spheres.
** [[Lord Byron]], ''[[Don Juan (Byron)|Don Juan]]'' (1818-24), Canto XV, Stanza 5.

* And hears thy stormy music in the drum!
** [[Thomas Campbell]], ''Pleasures of Hope'', Part I.

* Merrily sang the monks in Ely&lt;br&gt;When Cnut, King, rowed thereby;&lt;br&gt;Row, my knights, near the land,&lt;br&gt;And hear we these monkes' song.
** Attributed to King Canute, ''Song of the Monks of Ely'', in Spens, ''History of the English People'', ''Historia Eliensis'' (1066). Chambers' ''Encyclopedia of English Literature''.

* Music is well said to be the speech of angels.
** [[Thomas Carlyle]], ''Essays'', ''The Opera''.

* When music, heavenly maid, was young,&lt;br&gt;While yet in early Greece she sung,&lt;br&gt;The Passions oft, to hear her shell,&lt;br&gt;Throng'd around her magic cell.
** [[William Collins]], ''The Passions, an Ode for Music'' (1747), line 1.

* In notes by distance made more sweet.
** [[William Collins]], ''The Passions, an Ode for Music'' (1747), line 60.

* In hollow murmurs died away.
** [[William Collins]], ''The Passions, an Ode for Music'' (1747), line 68.

* Music has charms to soothe a savage breast,&lt;br&gt;To soften rocks, or bend a knotted oak.&lt;br&gt;I've read that things inanimate have moved,&lt;br&gt;And, as with living souls, have been inform'd,&lt;br&gt;By magic numbers and persuasive sound.
** [[William Congreve]], ''The Mourning Bride'', Act I, scene 1.

* And when the music goes te-toot,&lt;br&gt;The monkey acts so funny&lt;br&gt; That we all hurry up and scoot&lt;br&gt;To get some monkey-money.&lt;br&gt; M-double-unk for the monkey,&lt;br&gt; M-double-an for the man;&lt;br&gt; M-double unky, hunky monkey,&lt;br&gt; Hunkey monkey-man.&lt;br&gt; Ever since the world began&lt;br&gt; Children danced and children ran&lt;br&gt; When they heard the monkey-man,&lt;br&gt; The m-double-unky man.
** [[w:Edmund Vance CookeEdmund Vance Cooke]], ''The Monkey-Man'', I rule the House.

* Water and air He for the Tenor chose,&lt;br&gt;Earth made the Base, the Treble Flame arose,&lt;br&gt;To th' active Moon a quick brisk stroke he gave,&lt;br&gt;To Saturn's string a touch more soft and grave.&lt;br&gt;The motions strait, and round, and swift, and slow,&lt;br&gt;And short and long, were mixt and woven so,&lt;br&gt;Did in such artful Figures smoothly fall,&lt;br&gt;As made this decent measur'd Dance of all.&lt;br&gt;And this is Musick.
** [[Abraham Cowley]], ''Davideis'' (1668), Book I, p. 13.

* With melting airs, or martial, brisk, or grave;&lt;br&gt;Some chord in unison with what we hear&lt;br&gt;Is touch'd within us, and the heart replies.
** [[William Cowper]], ''The Task'' (1785), Book VI. Winter Walk at Noon, line 3.

* The soft complaining flute&lt;br&gt; In dying notes discovers&lt;br&gt; The woes of hopeless lovers,&lt;br&gt;Whose dirge is whisper'd by the warbling lute.
** [[John Dryden]], ''A Song for St. Cecilia's Day''.

* Music sweeps by me as a messenger&lt;br&gt;Carrying a message that is not for me.
** [[George Eliot]], ''Spanish Gypsy'' (1868), Book III.

* 'Tis God gives skill,&lt;br&gt;But not without men's hands: He could not make&lt;br&gt;Antonio Stradivari's violins&lt;br&gt;Without Antonio.
** [[George Eliot]], ''Stradivarius'', line 151.

* The silent organ loudest chants&lt;br&gt;The master's requiem.
** [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], ''Dirge''.

* Our 'prentice, Tom, may now refuse&lt;br&gt;To wipe his scoundrel master's shoes;&lt;br&gt;For now he's free to sing and play&lt;br&gt;Over the hills and far away.
** [[George Farquhar]], ''Over the Hills and Far Away'', Act II, scene 3.

* But Bellenden we needs must praise,&lt;br&gt;Who as down the stairs she jumps&lt;br&gt;Sings o'er the hill and far away,&lt;br&gt;Despising doleful dumps.
** ''Distracted Jockey's Lamentation'', ''Pills to Purge Melancholy''.

* Tom he was a piper's son,&lt;br&gt;He learned to play when he was young;&lt;br&gt;But all the tune that he could play&lt;br&gt;Was &quot;Over the hills and far away.&quot;
** ''Distracted Jockey's Lamentation'', ''Pills to Purge Melancholy'' found in ''The Nursery Rhymes of England'' by Halliwell Phillips.

* When I was young and had no sense&lt;br&gt;I bought a fiddle for eighteen pence,&lt;br&gt;And all the tunes that I could play&lt;br&gt;Was, &quot;Over the Hills and Far Away.&quot;
** Old Ballad, in the ''Pedlar's Pack of Ballads and Songs''.

* ''Blasen ist nicht flöten, ihr müsst die Finger bewegen.''
** To blow is not to play on the flute; you must move the fingers.
** [[Johann Wolfgang von Goethe]], Sprüche in Prosa, III.

* Jack Whaley had a cow,&lt;br&gt; And he had nought to feed her;&lt;br&gt;He took his pipe and played a tune,&lt;br&gt; And bid the cow consider.
** Old Scotch and North of Ireland ballad. Lady Granville uses it in a letter. (1836).

* Where through the long-drawn aisle and fretted vault&lt;br&gt;The pealing anthem swells the note of praise.
** [[Thomas Gray]], ''Elegy in a Country Church Yard'', Stanza 10.

* He stood beside a cottage lone,&lt;br&gt; And listened to a lute,&lt;br&gt;One summer's eve, when the breeze was gone,&lt;br&gt; And the nightingale was mute.
** [[Thomas Hervey]], ''The Devil's Progress''.

* Why should the devil have all the good tunes?
** [[Rowland Hill]], ''Sermons''. In his biography by E. W. Broome, p. 93.

* Music was a thing of the soul—a rose-lipped shell that murmured of the eternal sea—a strange bird singing the songs of another shore.
** [[Josiah Gilbert Holland]], ''Plain Talks on Familiar Subjects'', ''Art and Life''.

* From thy dead lips a clearer note is born&lt;br&gt;Than ever Triton blew from wreathéd horn.
** [[Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.]], ''Chambered Nautilus''.

* ''Citharœdus&lt;br&gt;Ridetur chorda qui semper oberrat eadem.''
** The musician who always makes a mistake on the same string, is laughed at.
** [[Horace]], ''Ars Poetica'' (18 BC), 355.

* Play uppe, play uppe, O Boston bells!&lt;br&gt;Ply all your changes, all your swells,&lt;br&gt;Play uppe &quot;The Brides of Enderby.&quot;
** [[Jean Ingelow]], ''High Tide on the Coast of Lincolnshire''.

* When the morning stars sang together, and all the sons of God shouted for joy.
** Job, XXXVIII. 7.

* Ere music's golden tongue&lt;br&gt;Flattered to tears this aged man and poor.
** [[John Keats]], ''The Eve of St. Agnes'', Stanza 3.

* The silver, snarling trumpets 'gan to chide.
** [[John Keats]], ''The Eve of St. Agnes'', Stanza 4.

* Heard melodies are sweet, but those unheard&lt;br&gt;  Are sweeter; therefore, ye soft pipes, play on;&lt;br&gt;Not to the sensual ear, but, more endear'd,&lt;br&gt;  Pipe to the spirit ditties of no tone.
** [[John Keats]], ''Ode on a Grecian Urn''.

* I even think that, sentimentally, I am disposed to harmony. But organically I am incapable of a tune.
** [[Charles Lamb]], ''A Chapter on Ears''.

* A velvet flute-note fell down pleasantly,&lt;br&gt;Upon the bosom of that harmony,&lt;br&gt;And sailed and sailed incessantly,&lt;br&gt;As if a petal from a wild-rose blown&lt;br&gt;Had fluttered down upon that pool of tone,&lt;br&gt;And boatwise dropped o' the convex side&lt;br&gt;And floated down the glassy tide&lt;br&gt;And clarified and glorified&lt;br&gt;The solemn spaces where the shadows bide.&lt;br&gt;From the warm concave of that fluted note&lt;br&gt;Somewhat, half song, half odour forth did float&lt;br&gt;As if a rose might somehow be a throat.
** [[Sidney Lanier]], ''The Symphony''.

* Music is in all growing things;&lt;br&gt;And underneath the silky wings&lt;br&gt;  Of smallest insects there is stirred&lt;br&gt;  A pulse of air that must be heard;&lt;br&gt;Earth's silence lives, and throbs, and sings.
** [[Lathrop]], ''Music of Growth''.

* Writ in the climate of heaven, in the language spoken by angels.
** [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]], ''The Children of the Lord's Supper'', line 262.

* Yea, music is the Prophet's art&lt;br&gt;Among the gifts that God hath sent,&lt;br&gt;One of the most magnificent!
** [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]], ''Christus'', Part III. Second Interlude, Stanza 5.

* When she had passed, it seemed like the ceasing of exquisite music.
** [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]], ''Evangeline: A Tale of Acadie'' (1847), Part I. 1.

* He is dead, the sweet musician!&lt;br&gt; * * * *&lt;br&gt;He has moved a little nearer&lt;br&gt;To the Master of all music.
** [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]], ''The Song of Hiawatha'' (1855), Part XV, line 56.

* Music is the universal language of mankind.
** [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]], ''Outre-Mer''. Ancient Spanish Ballads.

* Who, through long days of labor,&lt;br&gt; And nights devoid of ease,&lt;br&gt;Still heard in his soul the music&lt;br&gt; Of wonderful melodies.
** [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]], ''The Day is Done'', Stanza 8.

* Such sweet compulsion doth in music lie.
** [[John Milton]], ''Arcades'', line 68.

* Who shall silence all the airs and madrigals that whisper softness in chambers?
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Areopagitica]]'' (1644).

* Can any mortal mixture of earth's mould&lt;br&gt;Breathe such divine enchanting ravishment?
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Comus (John Milton)|Comus]]'' (1637), line 244.

* Ring out ye crystal spheres!&lt;br&gt; Once bless our human ears,&lt;br&gt;If ye have power to touch our senses so;&lt;br&gt; And let your silver chime&lt;br&gt; Move in melodious time;&lt;br&gt;And let the base of Heaven's deep organ blow,&lt;br&gt;And with your ninefold harmony,&lt;br&gt;Make up full consort to the angelic symphony.
** [[John Milton]], ''Hymn on the Nativity'', Stanza 13.

* There let the pealing organ blow,&lt;br&gt;To the full voiced quire below,&lt;br&gt;In service high, and anthems clear,&lt;br&gt;As may with sweetness, through mine ear,&lt;br&gt;Dissolve me into ecstasies,&lt;br&gt;And bring all heaven before mine eyes.
** [[John Milton]], ''Il Penseroso'' (1631), line 161.

* Untwisting all the chains that tie the hidden soul of harmony.
** [[John Milton]], L'Allegro, line 143.

* As in an organ from one blast of wind&lt;br&gt;To many a row of pipes the soundboard breathes.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book I, line 708.

* And in their motions harmony divine&lt;br&gt;So smoothes her charming tones, that God's own ear&lt;br&gt;Listens delighted.
** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book V. 620.

* ''Mettez, pour me jouer, vos flûtes mieux d'accord.''
** If you want to play a trick on me, put your flutes more in accord.
** [[Molière]], L'Etourdi, Act I. 4.

* ''La musique celeste.''
** The music of the spheres.
** [[Montaigne]], Book I, Chapter XXII.

* If the pulse of the patriot, soldier, or lover,&lt;br&gt;Have throbb'd at our lay, 'tis thy glory alone;&lt;br&gt;I was but as the wind, passing heedlessly over,&lt;br&gt;And all the wild sweetness I wak'd was thy own.
** [[Thomas Moore]], ''Dear Harp of My Country'', Stanza 2.

*&quot;This must be music,&quot; said he, &quot;of the spears,&lt;br&gt;For I am cursed if each note of it doesn't run through one!&quot;
** [[Thomas Moore]], ''Fudge Family in Paris'', Letter V, line 28.

* The harp that once through Tara's halls&lt;br&gt; The soul of music shed,&lt;br&gt;Now hangs as mute on Tara's walls,&lt;br&gt; As if that soul were fled.
** [[Thomas Moore]], ''Harp That Once''.

* If thou would'st have me sing and play&lt;br&gt; As once I play'd and sung,&lt;br&gt;First take this time-worn lute away,&lt;br&gt; And bring one freshly strung.
** [[Thomas Moore]], ''If Thou, Would'st Have Me Sing and Play''.

* And music too—dear music! that can touch&lt;br&gt;Beyond all else the soul that loves it much—&lt;br&gt;Now heard far off, so far as but to seem&lt;br&gt;Like the faint, exquisite music of a dream.
** [[Thomas Moore]], ''Lalla Rookh'' (1817), ''The Veiled Prophet of Khorassan''.

* 'Tis believ'd that this harp which I wake now for thee&lt;br&gt;Was a siren of old who sung under the sea.
** [[Thomas Moore]], ''Origin of the Harp''.

* She played upon her music-box a fancy air by chance,&lt;br&gt;And straightway all her polka-dots began a lively dance.
** [[Peter Newell]], ''Her Polka Dots''.

* Apes and ivory, skulls and roses, in junks of old Hong-Kong,&lt;br&gt;Gliding over a sea of dreams to a haunted shore of song.
** [[Alfred Noyes]], ''Apes and Ivory.

* There's a barrel-organ carolling across a golden street&lt;br&gt;  In the city as the sun sinks low;&lt;br&gt;And the music's not immortal; but the world has made it sweet&lt;br&gt;  And fulfilled it with the sunset glow.
** [[Alfred Noyes]], ''Barrel Organ''.

* Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
** [[Edgar Wilson Nye]].

* We are the music-makers,&lt;br&gt; And we are the dreamers of dreams,&lt;br&gt;Wandering by lone sea-breakers,&lt;br&gt; And sitting by desolate streams;&lt;br&gt;World-losers and world-forsakers,&lt;br&gt; Of whom the pale moon gleams:&lt;br&gt;Yet we are the movers and shakers&lt;br&gt; Of the world for ever, it seems.
** [[Arthur O'Shaughnessy]], ''Music Makers''.

* One man with a dream, at pleasure,&lt;br&gt; Shall go forth and conquer a crown&lt;br&gt;And three with a new song's measure&lt;br&gt; Can trample a kingdom down.
** [[Arthur O'Shaughnessy]], ''Music Makers''.

* How light the touches are that kiss&lt;br&gt;The music from the chords of life!
** [[Coventry Patmore]], ''By the Sea''.

* He touched his harp, and nations heard, entranced,&lt;br&gt;As some vast river of unfailing source,&lt;br&gt;Rapid, exhaustless, deep, his numbers flowed,&lt;br&gt;And opened new fountains in the human heart.
** [[Robert Pollok]], ''The Course of Time'' (1827), Book IV, line 674.

* Music resembles poetry: in each&lt;br&gt;Are nameless graces which no methods teach&lt;br&gt;And which a master-hand alone can reach.
** [[Alexander Pope]], ''[[An Essay on Criticism]]'' (1709), line 143.

* As some to Church repair,&lt;br&gt;Not for the doctrine, but the music there.
** [[Alexander Pope]], ''[[An Essay on Criticism]]'' (1709), line 343.

* What woful stuff this madrigal would be&lt;br&gt;In some starv'd hackney sonnetteer, or me!&lt;br&gt;But let a Lord once own the happy lines,&lt;br&gt;How the wit brightens! how the style refines!
** [[Alexander Pope]], ''[[An Essay on Criticism]]'' (1709), line 418.

* Light quirks of music, broken and uneven,&lt;br&gt;Make the soul dance upon a jig to Heav'n.
** [[Alexander Pope]], ''Moral Essays'' (1731-35), Epistle IV, line 143.

* By music minds an equal temper know,&lt;br&gt;Nor swell too high, nor sink too low.&lt;br&gt;* * * * *&lt;br&gt;Warriors she fires with animated sounds;&lt;br&gt;Pours balm into the bleeding lover's wounds.
** [[Alexander Pope]], ''Ode on St. Cecilia's Day''.

* Hark! the numbers soft and clear,&lt;br&gt;Gently steal upon the ear;&lt;br&gt;Now louder, and yet louder rise&lt;br&gt;And fill with spreading sounds the skies.
** [[Alexander Pope]], ''Ode on St. Cecilia's Day''.

* In a sadly pleasing strain&lt;br&gt;Let the warbling lute complain.
** [[Alexander Pope]], ''Ode on St. Cecilia's Day''.

* Music's force can tame the furious beast.
** [[Matthew Prior]].

* Seated one day at the organ,&lt;br&gt; I was weary and ill at ease,&lt;br&gt;And my fingers wandered idly&lt;br&gt; Over the noisy keys.&lt;br&gt;&lt;br&gt;I do not know what I was playing,&lt;br&gt; Or what I was dreaming then,&lt;br&gt;But I struck one chord of music&lt;br&gt; Like the sound of a great Amen.
** [[Adelaide Anne Procter]], ''Lost Chord''. (As set to music, 5th line reads, &quot;I know not what I was playing.&quot;).

* We hanged our harps upon the willows in the midst thereof.
** Psalms. CXXXVII. 2.

* Above the pitch, out of tune, and off the hinges.
** [[François Rabelais]], ''Works'', Book IV, Chapter XIX.

* ''Musik ist Poesie der Luft.''
** Music is the poetry of the air.
** [[Jean Paul Richter]].

* ''Sie zog tief in sein Herz, wie die Melodie eines Liedes, die aus der Kindheit heraufklingt.''
** It sank deep into his heart, like the melody of a song sounding from out of childhood's days.
** [[Jean Paul Richter]], ''Hesperus'', XII.

* The soul of music slumbers in the shell,&lt;br&gt;Till waked and kindled by the Master's spell;&lt;br&gt;And feeling hearts—touch them but lightly—pour&lt;br&gt;A thousand melodies unheard before!
** [[Samuel Rogers]], ''Human Life'', line 363.

* Give me some music; music, moody food&lt;br&gt;Of us that trade in love.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Antony and Cleopatra]]'' (1600s), Act II, scene 5, line 1.

* I am advised to give her music o' mornings; they say it will penetrate.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Cymbeline]]'' (1611), Act II, scene 3, line 12.

* And it will discourse most eloquent music.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Hamlet]]'' (1600-02), Act III, scene 2, line 374. (&quot;Excellent music&quot; in Knight's ed.).

* You would play upon me; you would seem to know my stops; you would pluck out the heart of my mystery; you would sound me from my lowest note to the top of my compass.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Hamlet]]'' (1600-02), Act III, scene 2, line 379.

* How irksome is this music to my heart!&lt;br&gt;When such strings jar, what hope of harmony?
** [[William Shakespeare]], [[Henry VI, Part 2|''Henry VI'', Part II]] (c. 1590-91), scene 1, line 56.

* Orpheus with his lute made trees,&lt;br&gt;And the mountain-tops that freeze,&lt;br&gt; Bow themselves, when he did sing:&lt;br&gt;To his music, plants and flowers&lt;br&gt;Ever sprung; as sun and showers,&lt;br&gt; There had made a lasting spring.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Henry VIII (play)|Henry VIII]]'' ([[w:Henry VIII (play)#Date|c. 1613]]), Act III, scene 1, line 3.

* Everything that heard him play,&lt;br&gt;Even the billows of the sea,&lt;br&gt;Hung their heads, and then lay by;&lt;br&gt;In sweet music is such art:&lt;br&gt;Killing care and grief of heart&lt;br&gt;Fall asleep, or, hearing, die.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Henry VIII (play)|Henry VIII]]'' ([[w:Henry VIII (play)#Date|c. 1613]]), Act III, scene 1, line 9.

* The choir,&lt;br&gt;With all the choicest music of the kingdom,&lt;br&gt;Together sung Te Deum.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Henry VIII (play)|Henry VIII]]'' ([[w:Henry VIII (play)#Date|c. 1613]]), Act IV, scene 1, line 90.

* One whom the music of his own vain tongue&lt;br&gt;Doth ravish like enchanting harmony.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Love's Labour's Lost]]'' (c. 1595-6), Act I, scene 1, line 167.

* Though music oft hath such a charm&lt;br&gt;To make bad good, and good provoke to harm.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Measure for Measure]]'' (1603), Act IV, scene 1, line 14.

* Let music sound while he doth make his choice;&lt;br&gt;Then, if he lose, he makes a swan-like end,&lt;br&gt;Fading in music.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[The Merchant of Venice]]'' (late 1590s), Act III, scene 2, line 43.

* How sweet the moonlight sleeps upon this bank!&lt;br&gt;Here will we sit and let the sounds of music&lt;br&gt;Creep in our ears: soft stillness, and the night&lt;br&gt;Becomes the touches of sweet harmony.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[The Merchant of Venice]]'' (late 1590s), Act V, scene 1, line 54.

* There's not the smallest orb which thou behold'st&lt;br&gt;But in his motion like an angel sings,&lt;br&gt;Still quiring to the young-eyed cherubins;&lt;br&gt;Such harmony is in immortal souls;&lt;br&gt;But, whilst this muddy vesture of decay&lt;br&gt;Doth grossly close it in, we cannot hear it.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[The Merchant of Venice]]'' (late 1590s), Act V, scene 1, line 57.

* Therefore the poet&lt;br&gt;Did feign that Orpheus drew trees, stones and floods;&lt;br&gt;Since nought so stockish, hard and full of rage,&lt;br&gt;But music for the time doth change his nature.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[The Merchant of Venice]]'' (late 1590s), Act V, scene 1, line 79.

* The man that hath no music in himself,&lt;br&gt;Nor is not moved with concord of sweet sounds,&lt;br&gt;Is fit for treasons, stratagems and spoils.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[The Merchant of Venice]]'' (late 1590s), Act V, scene 1, line 83.

* Music do I hear?&lt;br&gt;Ha! ha! keep time: how sour sweet music is,&lt;br&gt;When time is broke and no proportion kept!
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Richard II (play)|Richard II]]'' (c. 1595), Act V, scene 5, line 41.

* Wilt thou have music? hark! Apollo plays&lt;br&gt;And twenty caged nightingales do sing.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[The Taming of the Shrew]]'' (c. 1593-94), Induction, scene 2, line 37.

* Preposterous ass, that never read so far&lt;br&gt;To know the cause why music was ordain'd!&lt;br&gt;Was it not to refresh the mind of man,&lt;br&gt;After his studies or his usual pain?
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[The Taming of the Shrew]]'' (c. 1593-94), Act III, scene 1, line 9.

* This music crept by me upon the waters,&lt;br&gt;Allaying both their fury and my passion&lt;br&gt;With its sweet air.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[The Tempest]]'' (c. 1610-1612), Act I, scene 2, line 391.

* Take but degree away, untune that string,&lt;br&gt;And, hark, what discord follows!
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Troilus and Cressida]]'' (c. 1602), Act I, scene 3, line 109.

* If music be the food of love, play on;&lt;br&gt;Give me excess of it, that, surfeiting,&lt;br&gt;The appetite may sicken, and so die.&lt;br&gt;That strain again! it had a dying fall:&lt;br&gt;O, it came o'er my ear like the sweet sound&lt;br&gt;That breathes upon a bank of violets,&lt;br&gt;Stealing and giving odour.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Twelfth Night]]'' (c. 1601-02), Act I, scene 1, line 1.

* Song like a rose should be;&lt;br&gt; Each rhyme a petal sweet;&lt;br&gt;For fragrance, melody,&lt;br&gt; That when her lips repeat&lt;br&gt;The words, her heart may know&lt;br&gt;What secret makes them so.&lt;br&gt; Love, only Love.
** [[Frank Dempster Sherman]], ''Song'', in ''Lyrics for a Lute''.

* Musick! soft charm of heav'n and earth,&lt;br&gt;Whence didst thou borrow thy auspicious birth?&lt;br&gt;Or art thou of eternal date,&lt;br&gt;Sire to thyself, thyself as old as Fate.
** [[Edmund Smith]], ''Ode in Praise of Musick''.

* See to their desks Apollo's sons repair,&lt;br&gt;Swift rides the rosin o'er the horse's hair!&lt;br&gt;In unison their various tones to tune,&lt;br&gt;Murmurs the hautboy, growls the hoarse bassoon;&lt;br&gt;In soft vibration sighs the whispering lute,&lt;br&gt;Tang goes the harpsichord, too-too the flute,&lt;br&gt;Brays the loud trumpet, squeaks the fiddle sharp,&lt;br&gt;Winds the French-horn, and twangs the tingling harp;&lt;br&gt;Till, like great Jove, the leader, figuring in,&lt;br&gt;Attunes to order the chaotic din.
** Horace and James Smith, ''Rejected Addresses'', ''The Theatre'', line 20.

* So dischord ofte in musick makes the sweeter lay.
** [[Edmund Spenser]], ''The Faerie Queene'' (1589-96), Book III, Canto II, Stanza 15.

* Music revives the recollections it would appease.
** [[Anne Louise Germaine de Staël]], ''Corinne'' (1807), Book IX, Chapter II.

* The gauger walked with willing foot,&lt;br&gt;And aye the gauger played the flute;&lt;br&gt;And what should Master Gauger play&lt;br&gt;But Over the Hills and Far Away.
** [[Robert Louis Stevenson]], ''Underwoods'', ''A Song of the Road''.

* How her fingers went when they moved by note&lt;br&gt;Through measures fine, as she marched them o'er&lt;br&gt;The yielding plank of the ivory floor.
** [[Benjamin F. Taylor]], ''Songs of Yesterday'', ''How the Brook Went to Mill'', Stanza 3.

* It is the little rift within the lute&lt;br&gt;That by and by will make the music mute,&lt;br&gt;And ever widening slowly silence all.
** [[Alfred Tennyson]], ''[[Idylls of the King]]'' (published 1859-1885), ''Merlin and Vivien'', line 393.

* Music that brings sweet sleep down from the blissful skies.
** [[Alfred Tennyson]], ''The Lotos Eaters'', Choric Song, Stanza 1.

* Music that gentlier on the spirit lies&lt;br&gt;Than tir'd eyelids upon tir'd eyes.
** [[Alfred Tennyson]], ''The Lotos Eaters'', Choric Song, Stanza 1.

* I can't sing. As a singist I am not a success. I am saddest when I sing. So are those who hear me. They are sadder even than I am.
** [[Artemus Ward]], Lecture.

* Strange! that a harp of thousand strings&lt;br&gt;Should keep in tune so long.
** [[Isaac Watts]], ''Hymns and Spiritual Songs'', Book II. 19.

* And with a secret pain,&lt;br&gt;And smiles that seem akin to tears,&lt;br&gt;We hear the wild refrain.
** [[John Greenleaf Whittier]], ''At Port Royal''.

* I'm the sweetest sound in orchestra heard&lt;br&gt;Yet in orchestra never have been.
** [[William Wilberforce]], ''Riddle'', first lines.

* Her ivory hands on the ivory keys&lt;br&gt; Strayed in a fitful fantasy,&lt;br&gt;Like the silver gleam when the poplar trees&lt;br&gt; Rustle their pale leaves listlessly&lt;br&gt;Or the drifting foam of a restless sea&lt;br&gt;When the waves show their teeth in the flying breeze.
** [[Oscar Wilde]], ''In the Gold Room'', ''A Harmony''.

* What fairy-like music steals over the sea,&lt;br&gt;Entrancing our senses with charmed melody?
** Mrs. M. C. Wilson, ''What Fairy-like Music''.

*Music is a world within itself, with a language we all understand!
**Stevie Wonder, &quot;Sir Duke&quot;

* Where music dwells&lt;br&gt;Lingering, and wandering on as loth to die:&lt;br&gt;Like thoughts whose very sweetness yieldeth proof&lt;br&gt;That they were born for immortality.
** [[William Wordsworth]], ''Ecclesiastical Sonnets'', Part III. 63. Inside of King's Chapel, Cambridge.

* Bright gem instinct with music, vocal spark.
** [[William Wordsworth]], ''A Morning Exercise''.

* Soft is the music that would charm forever:&lt;br&gt;The flower of sweetest smell is shy and lowly.
** [[William Wordsworth]], ''Not Love, Not War''.

* Sweetest melodies&lt;br&gt;Are those that are by distance made more sweet.
** [[William Wordsworth]], ''Personal Talk'', Stanza 2.

* The music in my heart I bore,&lt;br&gt;Long after it was heard no more.
** [[William Wordsworth]], ''The Solitary Reaper''.

* Thank you. If you appreciate the tuning so much, I hope you'll enjoy the playing more.
** [[Ravi Shankar]] tuning up before his performance on Sitar, Soundbite of &quot;The Concert For Bangladesh&quot;

==See also==
* [[Art]]
* [[Mass culture]]
* [[Performance art]]
* [[Singing]]
* [[Piano]]
* [[Guitar]]
* [[Drum]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{wiktionary|music}}

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  <page>
    <title>Patriotism</title>
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      <text bytes="71868" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Dwight D Eisenhower.jpg|thumb|Patriotism means equipped forces and a prepared citizenry. Moral stamina means more energy and more productivity, on the farm and in the factory. Love of liberty means the guarding of every resource that makes freedom possible--from the sanctity of our families and the wealth of our soil to the genius of our scientists. ~ [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]]]]
[[File:Naturalization ceremony at Kennedy Space Center.jpg|thumb|Patriotism, not nationalism, should inspire the citizen. The ethnic nationalist who wants a linguistically and culturally uniform nation is akin to the racist who is intolerant toward those who look and behave differently. The patriot is a &quot;diversitarian&quot;; he is pleased, indeed proud of the variety within the borders of his country; he looks for loyalty from all citizens. And he looks up and down, not left and right. ~ [[Erik von Kuehnelt-Leddihn]]]]
[[File:John Smibert - Bishop George Berkeley - Google Art Project.jpg|thumb|To be a good patriot, a man must consider his countrymen as God's creatures, and himself as accountable for his acting towards them. ~ [[George Berkeley]]]]
'''[[w:Patriotism|Patriotism]]''' or '''national pride''' is the feeling of love, devotion and sense of attachment to a [[w:homeland|homeland]] and alliance with other citizens who share the same sentiment.
__NOTOC__
{{TOCalpha|[[#Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations|''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations'']] · [[#Respectfully Quoted: A Dictionary of Quotations (1989)|''Respectfully Quoted: A Dictionary of Quotations'']]}}
==A==

* Patriotism is in political life what faith is in religion.
** [[John Dalberg-Acton, 1st Baron Acton|Lord Acton]], &quot;Nationality&quot;, ''The Home and Foreign Review'' (July 1862).

* The liberties of our country, the freedom of our civil [[Constitutions|Constitution]] are worth defending at all hazards; and it is our duty to defend -them against all attacks. We have received them as a fair [[inheritance]] from our worthy ancestors. They purchased them for us with toil, and danger, and expense of treasure and blood, and transmitted them to us with care and diligence. It will bring an everlasting mark of infamy on the present generation, enlightened as it is, if we should suffer them to be wrested from us by violence without a struggle, or be cheated out of them by the artifices of false and designing men. Of the latter, we are in most danger at present. Let us therefore be aware of it. Let us contemplate our forefathers and posterity, and resolve to maintain the rights bequeathed to us from the former for the sake of the latter. Instead of sitting down satisfied with the efforts we have already made, which is the wish of our enemies, the necessity of the times more than ever calls for our utmost circumspection, deliberation, fortitude, and perseverance. Let us remember that &quot;if we suffer tamely a lawless attack upon our liberty, we encourage it, and involve others in our doom!&quot; It is a very serious consideration, which should deeply impress our minds, ''that millions yet unborn may be the miserable sharers in the event!''
**[[Samuel Adams]], written as &quot;Candidus&quot; in ''The te'' (14 October 1771), later published in ''The Life and Public Services of Samuel Adams'' (1865) by William R. Vincent Wells, p. 425.

* Who would not be that youth? What pity is it&lt;br&gt;That we can die but once to save our country!
** [[Joseph Addison]], ''Cato, A Tragedy'' (1713), Act IV, scene 4

*''Pugnate pro patria'', fight for you country, your dearest country, wherein you have been bred, born, nourished and brought up, toward which you ought to be as inwardly affected, as you are naturally moved to your mothers. It is your native soil, and therefore most sweet; for what may be dearer or sweeter than your Country?
**[[w:William Averell|William Averell]], ''A Mervalious Combat of Contrarieties'' (1588), quoted in Bertrand T. Whitehead, ''Brags and Boasts: Propaganda in the Year of the Armada'' (1994), pp. 83-84

==B==
*We cannot without damage to our soul's health destroy the roots which bind us to the land and language of our birth. The love of country is a deep and universal instinct, freighted with ancient memories and subtle associations. Men who deny their national spiritual heritage in exchange for a vague and watery [[w:Cosmopolitanism|cosmopolitanism]] become less than men; they starve and dwarf their personalities; they turn into a sort of political eunuch.
**[[Stanley Baldwin]], speech to the [[w:Saint David's Day|St. David's Day]] Banquet in Cardiff (1 March 1927), quoted in ''Our Inheritance'' (1938), p. 50

* '''To be a good patriot, a man must consider his countrymen as God's creatures, and himself as accountable for his acting towards them.'''
**[[Bishop Berkeley]], reported in Josiah Hotchkiss Gilbert, ''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895), p. 442

* Patriotism, n. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name. In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last resort of a scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit it is the first.
** [[Ambrose Bierce]], ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911)

* If modern youth has realized, as I believe it has, that to live for one's country is a finer type of patriotism than to die for it, then the youth of my generation will not, after all, have laid down the best of its life in vain.
**  [[Vera Brittain]], &quot;Youth and War&quot;, 13 December 1934. Quoted in Paul Berry and Mark Bostridge, ''Vera Brittain: A Life''. Chatto and Windus, 1995. (p. 305)

* The unbought grace of life, the cheap defence of nations, the nurse of manly sentiment and heroic enterprise, is gone!
** [[Edmund Burke]], ''Reflections on the Revolution in France'' (1790), Volume III, p. 331

==C==
* But this I would say, standing as I do in the view of God and Eternity — I realise that '''patriotism is not enough. I must have no bitterness or hatred towards anyone.'''
** [[Edith Cavell]] (October 11, 1915), the evening before her execution by a German firing squad. S. Theodore Felstead, ''Edith Cavell: The Crime That Shook the World'' (London: George Newnes, 1950), pp. 185–6.

* “My country, right or wrong”, is a thing that no patriot would think of saying except in a desperate case. It is like saying, “My mother, drunk or sober”.
** [[G. K. Chesterton]], ''The Defendant'' (1901), p. 166.

* When I am abroad, I always make it a rule never to criticize or attack the government of my own country. I make up for lost time when I come home.
** [[Winston Churchill]], speech, House of Commons (April 18, 1947)

*[W]hen with a rational spirit you have surveyed the whole field, there is no social relation among them all more close, none more dear than that which links each one of us with our country. Parents are dear; dear are children, relatives, friends; but one native land embraces all our loves; and who that is true would hesitate to give his life for her, if by his death he could render her a service? So much the more execrable are those monsters who have torn their fatherland to pieces with every form of outrage and who are and have been engaged in compassing her utter destruction.
**[[Cicero]], ''[[w:De Officiis|De Officiis]]'', 1.57 (44 BC), quoted in ''De officiis. With an English translation by Walter Miller'' (1913), pp. 59, 61

*My education was built up upon ruthlessly hard-and-fast ideas crowned by a patriotism that nothing could shake. In the [[w:War in the Vendée|insurrection of Vendée]], allied with the foreigner against [[w:First French Republic|Revolutionary France]], the two qualities of patriot and republican were so merged in one another that the Ghouans called us ''patauds'', an insult that my forbears were proud of. The fatherland was, and could only be, everybody's home, where energies were developed in common. To renounce one's country had neither sense nor meaning. You might as well have expected the child to want to leave the shelter of its mother's wing. The home, the country, this was no theory; it was a natural phenomenon that had been realized from the very earliest ages of mankind. Animals had a temporary home in their lairs, man a permanent one in his country.
**[[Georges Clemenceau]], ''Grandeur and Misery of Victory'' (1930), p. 341

* The Nation has need of all that can be contributed to it through the best efforts of all its citizens. The colored people have repeatedly proved their devotion to the high ideals of our country. They gave their services in the war with the same [[w:Patriotism|patriotism]] and readiness that other citizens did. The records of the selective draft show that somewhat more than 2,250,000 [[African American|colored men]] were registered. The records further prove that, far from seeking to avoid participation in the national defense, they showed that they wished to enlist before the selective service act was put into operation, and they did not attempt to evade that act afterwards.
**[[Calvin Coolidge]], as quoted in [https://archive.org/stream/foundationsofrep00unit/foundationsofrep00unit_djvu.txt commencement address at Howard University] (6 June 1924), Washington, D.C.

* The [[propaganda]] of [[prejudice]] and hatred which sought to keep the colored men from supporting the national cause completely failed. The [[Black people|black]] man showed himself the same kind of citizen, moved by the same kind of patriotism, as the [[White people|white]] man. They were tempted, but not one betrayed [[United States|his country]]. Among well-nigh 400,000 colored men who were taken into the military service, about one-half had overseas experience. They came home with many decorations and their conduct repeatedly won high commendation from both American and European commanders.
**[[Calvin Coolidge]], as quoted in [https://archive.org/stream/foundationsofrep00unit/foundationsofrep00unit_djvu.txt commencement address at Howard University] (6 June 1924), Washington, D.C.

==D==
* Patriotism is an ephemeral motive that scarcely ever outlasts the particular threat to society that aroused it.
**[[Denis Diderot]], ''Observations on the Drawing Up of Laws'' (written in 1774 for [[Catherine II of Russia|Catherine the Great]]; published 1921)

*Befitting acts are all those which reason prevails with us to do; and this is the case with honouring one's parents, brothers and country, and intercourse with friends. Unbefitting, or contrary to duty, are all acts that reason deprecates, e.g. to neglect one's parents, to be indifferent to one's brothers, not to agree with friends, to disregard the interests of one's country, and so forth.
**[[Diogenes Laërtius]], ''Lives of the Eminent Philosophers'', VII.108, quoted in ''Lives of the Eminent Philosophers, Vol. II'', translated by Robert Drew Hicks (1925; 1995), p. 215

*[T]he principle of patriotism, which is the soul of free communities. 
**[[Benjamin Disraeli]], speech to the annual meeting of the Royal and Central Bucks Agricultural Association in Aylesbury (20 September 1876), quoted in ''The Times'' (21 September 1876), p. 6

*[T]he noblest of human sentiments, now decried by philosophers—the sentiment of patriotism.
**[[Benjamin Disraeli]], speech at the [[w:Guildhall, London|Guildhall, London]] (9 November 1879), quoted in William Flavelle Monypenny and George Earle Buckle, ''The Life of Benjamin Disraeli, Earl of Beaconsfield. Volume II. 1860–1881'' (1929), p. 1367

==E==
* No matter that patriotism is too often the refuge of scoundrels. '''[[Dissent]], [[rebellion]], and all-around hell-raising remain the true duty of patriots.'''
** [[Barbara Ehrenreich]] &quot;Family Values,&quot; The Worst Years of Our Lives: Irreverent Notes from a Decade of Greed (1991).

* '''Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism— how passionately I hate them!'''
**[[Albert Einstein]], ''Ideas and opinions'', p. 10, chapter: &quot;The world as I see it&quot;, translated by Sonja Bargmann from ''Mein Weltbild'' edited by Varl Seeling. Wings Books (New York), {{ISBN|978-0517003930}}.

* '''I am against any [[nationalism]], even in the guise of mere patriotism.''' [[Privilege|Privileges]] based on position and [[property]] have always seemed to me unjust and pernicious, as did any exaggerated personality cult.
** [[Albert Einstein]], ''My Credo'' (1932)

* '''Patriotism means equipped forces and a prepared citizenry. Moral stamina means more energy and more productivity, on the farm and in the factory. Love of [[liberty]] means the guarding of every resource that makes freedom possible—from the sanctity of our families and the wealth of our soil to the genius of our scientists.'''
** [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]], [[s:Dwight Eisenhower's First Inaugural Address|First Inaugural Address (20 January 1953)]]

==F==
* [[United States|America]] now is stumbling through the darkness of hatred and divisiveness. Our values, our principles, and our determination to succeed as a free and democratic people will give us a torch to light the way. And we will survive and become the stronger—not only because of a patriotism that stands for love of country, but a patriotism that stands for love of people.
** [[Gerald R. Ford]], address to the state conference of the Order of DeMolay, Grand Rapids, Michigan (September 7, 1968); in Michael V. Doyle, ed., ''Gerald R. Ford, Selected Speeches'' (1973), p. 77.

* Nationalism is our form of incest, is our idolatry, is our insanity. &quot;Patriotism&quot; is its cult. It should hardly be necessary to say, that by &quot;patriotism&quot; I mean that attitude which puts the own nation above humanity, above the principles of truth and justice; not the loving interest in one's own nation, which is the concern with the nation's spiritual as much as with its material welfare—never with its power over other nations. Just as love for one individual which excludes the love for others is not love, love for one's country which is not part of one's love for humanity is not love, but idolatrous worship.
**[[Erich Fromm]], in [[Erich Fromm#The Sane Society (1955)|''The Sane Society'']] (1955).

* There are two Americas. One is the America of [[Abraham Lincoln|Lincoln]] and [[Adlai Stevenson]]; the other is the America of [[Theodore Roosevelt|Teddy Roosevelt]] and the modern superpatriots. One is generous and humane, the other narrowly egotistical; one is self-critical, the other self-righteous; one is sensible, the other romantic; one is good-humored, the other solemn; one is inquiring, the other pontificating; one is moderate, the other filled with passionate intensity; one is judicious and the other arrogant in the use of great power.
**[[J. William Fulbright]], ''The Arrogance of Power'' (1966).

*If you think in terms of people divided up into countries, you won't follow me. The idea of countries is going by the boards. Young people are getting wonderfully uprooted and they're too strong to get sucked into this 'country' crap.
:*[[Buckminster Fuller]], quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=kVMEAAAAMBAJ&amp;pg=PA46 &quot;The View from the Year 2000&quot;] by [[w:Barry Farrell (journalist)|Barry Farrell]] in [[w:Life (magazine)|''LIFE'' magazine]] (26 February 1971)

==G==
*That public virtue, which among the ancients was denominated patriotism, is derived from a strong sense of our own interest, in the preservation and prosperity of the free government of which we are members. Such a sentiment, which had rendered the legions of the republic almost invincible, could make but a very feeble impression on the mercenary servants of a despotic prince; and it became necessary to supply that defect by other motives, of a different, but not less forcible nature; honour and religion.
**[[Edward Gibbon]], ''[[The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire|The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire, Volume the First]] '' (1776), p. 10

* It should be the work of a genuine and noble patriotism to raise the life of the nation to the level of its privileges; to harmonize its general practice with its abstract principles; to reduce to actual facts the ideals of its institutions; to elevate instruction into knowledge; to deepen knowledge into wisdom; to render knowledge and wisdom complete in righteousness; and to make the love of country perfect in the love of man.
**[[Henry Giles]], reported in Josiah Hotchkiss Gilbert, ''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895), p. 442.

*Patriotism ruins history.
** [[Johann Wolfgang von Goethe]], Conversation with Friedrich Wilhem Riemer (July, 1817).

* [[Conceit]], [[arrogance]], and [[egotism]] are the essentials of patriotism. … Patriotism assumes that our globe is divided into little spots, each one surrounded by an iron gate. Those who have had the fortune of being born on some particular spot, consider themselves better, nobler, grander, more intelligent than the living beings inhabiting any other spot. It is, therefore, the duty of everyone living on that chosen spot to fight, kill, and die in the attempt to impose his superiority upon all the others.
**[[Emma Goldman]], ''Patriotism: a menace to liberty''.

* We Americans claim to be a peace-loving people. We hate bloodshed; we are opposed to [[violence]]. Yet we go into spasms of joy over the possibility of projecting dynamite [[bombs]] from [[Airplane|flying machines]] upon helpless citizens. We are ready to hang, electrocute, or [[Lynching|lynch]] anyone, who, from economic necessity, will risk his own life in the attempt upon that of some [[Business magnate|industrial magnate]]. Yet our hearts swell with pride at the thought that America is becoming the most powerful nation on earth, and that she will eventually plant her iron foot on the necks of all other nations.  Such is the logic of patriotism.
**[[Emma Goldman]], ''What is Patriotism?'' (1908).

* Thinking [[Man|men]] and [[women]] the world over are beginning to realize that patriotism is too narrow and limited a conception to meet the necessities of our time.
** [[Emma Goldman]], ''What is Patriotism?'' (1908).

*When we have undermined the patriotic lie, we shall have cleared the path for the great structure where all shall be united into a universal brotherhood — a truly free society.
**[[Emma Goldman]], ''What is Patriotism?'' (1908).

*[[Leo Tolstoy]] … defines patriotism as the principle that will justify the training of wholesale [[Homicide|murderers]].
**[[Emma Goldman]] in a speech titled ''What is patriotism?'' delivered in 1908.

==H==
* '''I only regret that I have but one life to lose for my country.'''
** [[Nathan Hale]], last words before being hanged by the British as a spy, (September 22, 1776), according to the account by [[w:William Hull|William Hull]] based on reports by British Captain [[w:John Montresor|John Montresor]] who was present and who spoke to Hull under a flag of truce the next day:
:: ‘On the morning of his execution,’ continued the officer, ‘my station was near the fatal spot, and I requested the Provost Marshal to permit the prisoner to sit in my marquee, while he was making the necessary preparations. Captain Hale entered: he was calm, and bore himself with gentle dignity, in the consciousness of rectitude and high intentions. He asked for writing materials, which I furnished him: he wrote two letters, one to his mother and one to a brother officer.’ He was shortly after summoned to the gallows. But a few persons were around him, yet his characteristic dying words were remembered. He said, ‘I only regret, that I have but one life to lose for my country.’
: Some speculation exists that Hale might have been repeating or paraphrasing lines from [[Joseph Addison]]'s play ''Cato'', Act IV, Scene IV: ''
:: How beautiful is death when earned by virtue. Who would not be that youth? '''What pity is it that we can die but once to serve our country.'''
: See George Dudley Seymour, ''Captain Nathan Hale, Major John Palsgrave Wyllys, A Digressive History'', (1933), p. 39.
: Another early variant of his last words exists, as reported in the ''Independent Chronicle and the Universal Advertiser'' (17 May 1781):
:: '''I am so satisfied with the cause in which I have engaged, that my only regret is, that I have not more lives than one to offer in its service.'''

* The difference between patriotism and nationalism is that the patriot is proud of his country for what it does, and the nationalist is proud of his country no matter what it does; the first attitude creates a feeling of responsibility, but the second a feeling of blind arrogance that leads to war.
** [[Sydney J. Harris]], ''Strictly Personal'' (1953), &quot;Purely Personal Prejudices&quot;.

* The most noble fate a man can endure is to place his own mortal body between his loved home and the war's desolation.
** [[Robert A. Heinlein]], ''[[Starship Troopers]]''.

*'''Gentlemen may cry, Peace, peace! But there is no peace. The war is actually begun! The next gale that sweeps from the north will bring to our ears the clash of resounding arms! Our brethren are already in the field! Why stand we here idle? What is it that gentlemen wish? What would they have? '''Is life so dear or peace so sweet as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me liberty or give me death!'''
** [[Patrick Henry]], ''Give me liberty or give me death!'' (1775).

* I was over in [[Australia]], and I was asked, 'Are you proud to be an American?' And I was like, 'Um, I don't know, I didn't have a lot to do with it. You know, my parents ''fucked'' there, that's about all. You know, I was in the spirit realm at that time. &quot;Fuck in [[Paris]]! Fuck in Paris!&quot; but they couldn't hear me, cos I didn't have a mouth. I was a spirit without lungs or mouth or vocal cords.' They fucked ''here''. OK, I'm proud. I hate patriotism. I can't stand it, man. Makes me fuckin' sick. It's a round world last time I checked, OK? You know what I mean. I hate patriotism. In fact, that's how we could stop patriotism, I think. Instead of putting stars and stripes on our flags, we should put pictures of our parents fucking.
** [[Bill Hicks]] (1993), live at Laff Stop, Austin, TX. Recording of show included in ''[[w:Rant in E-Minor|Rant in E-Minor]]'' (1997). Transcription in ''[[w:Love All the People: Letters, Lyrics, Routines|Love All the People]]'' (2004).

*''Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori''. 
**It is sweet and honourable to die for one's country.
**[[Horace]], ''[[w:Odes (Horace)|Odes]]'', Book III, ode ii, line 13

* The [[Protestantism|Protestant]] way of reconciling the commandments of [[Christ]] with those human activities that appealed to them was to declare any reconciliation to be impossible. … We must love our enemies. But whether this means burning the heretic and the witch, sending children to work before they can read, making bombs and blessing them, or whether it means the opposite, each believer has to decide for himself without even suspecting what the true will of God might be. A guiding light, though a deceptive one, is provided by the interest of the fatherland, of which there is little mention in the [[Gospel|Gospels]]. In the last few centuries, an incomparably greater number of believers have staked their lives for their country than for the forbidden love of its enemies. The idealists from [[Fichte]] to [[Hegel]] have also taken an active part in this development. In [[Europe]], faith in God has now become faith in one’s own people. The motto, “Right or wrong, my country,” together with the tolerance of other religions with similar views, takes us back into that ancient world from which the primitive Christians had turned away.
** [[Max Horkheimer]], “Theism and Atheism” (1963), in ''Critique of Instrumental Reason'' (1974).

* I have written for all, with a profound love for my own country, but without being engrossed by [[France]] more than by any other nation. In proportion as I advance in life, I grow more simple, and I become more and more [[patriotic]] for humanity.
** [[Victor Hugo]], in a letter To M. Daelli, publisher of the Italian translation of ''[[Les Misérables]]'' (18 October 1862).

==I==
* Patriotism varies, from a noble devotion to a moral lunacy.
**[[William Ralph Inge]], in &quot;Our Present Discontents&quot; (August 1919) in ''Outspoken Essays'' (1919), p. 2.

* Who fears to speak of Ninety-eight?&lt;br&gt;Who blushes at the name?&lt;br&gt;When cowards mock the patriot's fate,&lt;br&gt;Who hangs his head for shame?
** [[John K. Ingram]], ''The Dublin Nation'' (April 1, 1843), Volume II, p. 339.

==J==
* Our [[Union (American Civil War)|Union]]: It must be preserved.
** [[Andrew Jackson]], toast at a Jefferson Day dinner (April 13, 1830). Marquis James, ''Andrew Jackson: Portrait of a President'' (1937), p. 235. The account by James emphasizes the shocked reaction of Jackson's vice president, John C. Calhoun, to this toast, since it was clear he had lost Jackson's support of the Southern cause of nullification. When Calhoun's turn came, his toast was: &quot;The Union, next to our liberty, most dear. May we all remember that it can only be preserved by respecting the rights of the States and by distributing equally the benefits and burdens of the Union&quot; (pp. 235–36). According to Martin Van Buren, ''Autobiography'' (1920, reprinted 1973), vol. 2, p. 415, at the urging of General Hayne, Jackson altered his toast to &quot;Our Federal Union&quot; before it was given to the newspapers, and it was reported in this form in many sources including James Parton, ''Life of Andrew Jackson'' (1860), vol. 3, p. 283, and Thomas Hart Benton, ''Thirty Years View'' (1854, reprinted 1883), vol. 1, p. 148.

*I'm no second-class citizen either and no man here is, unless he thinks like one and reasons like one and performs like one. This is my country and I believe in her, and I will serve her, and I'll contribute to her welfare whenever and however I can. If she has any ills, I'll stand by her until in God's given time, through her wisdom and her consideration for the welfare of the entire nation, she will put them right.
**[[Daniel James Jr.]], as quoted in ''The Right to Fight: A History of African Americans in The Military'' (1998), by Gerald Astor, De Capo Press, pp. 440–443

*The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. It is its natural manure.'''
** [[Thomas Jefferson]][http://odur.let.rug.nl/~usa/P/tj3/writings/brf/jefl64.htm Letter] to [[w:William Stephens Smith|William Stephens Smith]] (13 November 1787), quoted in Padover's ''Jefferson On Democracy''.

* Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
**[[Samuel Johnson]], statement (7 April 1775), as quoted in ''[[w:The Life of Samuel Johnson|Life of Samuel Johnson]]'' (1791) by [[w:James Boswell|James Boswell]], p. 253; Boswell's full mention of this statement reads:
:: Patriotism having become one of our topicks, Johnson suddenly uttered, in a strong determined tone, an apophthegm, at which many will start: &quot;Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.&quot; But let it be considered, that he did not mean a real and generous love of our country, but that pretended patriotism which so many, in all ages and countries, have made a cloak of self-interest.

==K==
* I never felt so near the glory of Patriotism, the glory of making by any means a country happier.
** [[John Keats]] (July 1, 1818) in a letter to Thomas Keats (June 29 - July 2, 1818). ''Letters of John Keats to His Family and Friends'', edited by [[w:Sidney Colvin|Sidney Colvin]] (London: Macmillan, 1891), p. 117.
** Usually quoted in the form &quot;Patriotism is the glory of making by any means a country happier,&quot; e.g. by [[w:Elizabeth Goudge|Elizabeth Goudge]] in ''The Castle on the Hill'' (1942), chapters VI.i and XIV.ii.

* '''Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill, that we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe to assure the survival and the success of liberty.'''
** [[John F. Kennedy]], Inaugural Address, (20 January 1961).

* '''And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you — ask what you can do for your country.&lt;br&gt;My fellow citizens of the world: ask not what America will do for you, but what together we can do for the freedom of man.'''
** [[John F. Kennedy]], Inaugural Address, (20 January 1961).

*Patriotism, not nationalism, should inspire the citizen. The ethnic nationalist who wants a linguistically and culturally uniform nation is akin to the racist who is intolerant toward those who look (and behave) differently. The patriot is a &quot;diversitarian&quot;; he is pleased, indeed proud of the variety within the borders of his country; he looks for loyalty from all citizens. And he looks up and down, not left and right.
**[[Erik von Kuehnelt-Leddihn]], ''Leftism Revisited'' (1990), p. 327

==L==
* All should unite in honest efforts to obliterate the effects of war, and to restore the blessings of peace. They should remain, if possible, in the country; promote harmony and good feeling; qualify themselves to vote; and elect to the State and general [[Legislature|Legislatures]] wise and patriotic men, who will devote their abilities to the interests of the country, and the healing of all dissensions. I have invariably recommended this course since the cessation of hostilities, and have endeavored to practice it myself.
**[[Robert E. Lee]], in a letter to former Virginia governor [[w:John Letcher|John Letcher]] (28 August 1865), as quoted in ''Personal Reminiscences, Anecdotes, and Letters of Gen. Robert E. Lee'' (1875) by John William Jones, p. 203.

* True patriotism sometimes requires of men to act exactly contrary, at one period, to that which it does at another, and the motive which impels them — the desire to do right — is precisely the same.
**[[Robert E. Lee]], in a letter to General [[w:P. G. T. Beauregard|P. G. T. Beauregard]] (3 October 1865).

==M==
* '''[[Faith]] and patriotism are the two great thaumaturges of this world.''' Both are divine; all their actions are prodigies. Do not go to them talking of examination, choice, or discussion; they will say that you blaspheme. They know only two words: ''submission'' and ''belief;'' with these two levers they raise the world. Even their errors are [[Sublime (philosophy)|sublime]]. These two children of [[Heaven]] prove their origin to all eyes by creating and conserving; but if they unite, join their forces, and together take possession of a nation, they exalt it, they divinize it, and they increase its forces a hundred-fold.
** [[Joseph de Maistre]], ''Against Rousseau'' (1795), p. 88

* In uniform patriotism can salute one flag only, embrace but the first circle of life—one's own land and tribe. In war that is necessary, in peace it is not enough.
**[[Bill Moyers]], &quot;At Large&quot;, speech at the Peace Corps twenty-fifth anniversary memorial service (21 September 1986), published in ''Moyers on Democracy'' (2008), p. 26.

==N==
* I have no patriotism, for patriotism, as I see it, is often an arbitrary veneration of real estate above principles.
** [[George Jean Nathan]], ''Testament of a Critic'' (New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 1931), p. 16.

==O==
* By 'nationalism'... I mean the habit of identifying oneself with a single nation or other unit, placing it beyond good and evil and recognising no other duty than that of advancing its interests. Nationalism is not to be confused with patriotism. Both words are normally used in so vague a way that any definition is liable to be challenged, but one must draw a distinction between them, since two different and even opposing ideas are involved. 
**[[George Orwell]], ''Essay: Notes on Nationalism'' (1945).

*By 'patriotism' I mean devotion to a particular place and a particular way of life, which one believes to be the best in the world but has no wish to force on other people. Patriotism is of its nature defensive, both militarily and culturally. Nationalism, on the other hand, is inseparable from the desire for power. The abiding purpose of every nationalist is to secure more power and more prestige, not for himself but for the nation or other unit in which he has chosen to sink his own individuality.
**[[George Orwell]], ''Essay: Notes on Nationalism'' (1945).

* No one is patriotic about [[Taxation|taxes]].
** [[George Orwell]], [http://orwelldiaries.wordpress.com/2010/08/09/9-8-40/ ''Orwell Diaries 1938-1942'', (9 August 1940)].

==P==
*'''THESE are the [[times]] that try men's [[souls]]. The [[summer]] soldier and the sunshine [[patriot]] will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of their [[country]]; but he that stands it now, deserves the [[love]] and thanks of man and woman
**[[Thomas Paine]], ''The American Crisis'' (1776 - 1783)

*I would sooner receive injustice in the [[Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom|Queen]]'s courts than justice in a foreign court. I hold that man or woman to be a scoundrel who goes abroad to a foreign court to have the judgments of the Queen's courts overturned, the actions of her Government countermanded or the legislation of [[Parliament of the United Kingdom|Parliament]] struck down.
**[[Enoch Powell]], Speech in Ilford (13 March 1982), from Simon Heffer, ''Like the Roman. The Life of Enoch Powell'' (Phoenix, 1999), p. 853.

==R==
* National pride is to countries what self-respect is to individuals: a necessary condition for self-improvement.
**[[Richard Rorty]] - ''[[w:Achieving Our Country|Achieving Our Country]]: Leftist Thought in Twentieth Century America''. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 1998
&lt;!--* It is right to prefer our own country to all others, because we are children and citizens before we can be travellers or philosophers. … It is no accident for the soul to be embodied; her very essence is to express and bring to fruition the body's functions and resources. Its instincts make her ideals and its relations her world. A native country is a sort of second body, another enveloping organism to give the will definition. A specific inheritance strengthens the soul.//not in Santayana 1905 chapter 7--&gt;

* [Patriotism is the] willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons.
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''Sceptical Essays'' (1928), Ch. 13: Freedom in Society.

* Patriots always talk of dying for their country, and never of killing for their country.
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''Has Man a Future?'' (1962).

==S==
* A man's feet should be planted in his country, but his eyes should survey the world.
** [[George Santayana]], {{w|The Life of Reason}} (1905) Chapter VII: Patriotism.

* To me, it seems a dreadful indignity to have a soul controlled by geography.
** [[George Santayana]], letter (16 August 1914) to Mary Williams Winslow. ''The Letters of George Santayana, Book Two 1910–1920'', edited by William G. Holzberger (Cambridge, MA: The MIT Press, 2001), p. 192.

*Patriotism, when it wants to make itself felt in the domain of learning, is a dirty fellow who should be thrown out of doors.
** [[Arthur Schopenhauer]], ''Parerga and Paralipomena'' (1851) '' Counsels and Maxims'' Vol. 2, Ch. 21, § 255.

* The cheapest sort of pride is national pride; for if a man is proud of his own nation, it argues that he has no qualities of his own of which he can be proud; otherwise he would not have recourse to those which he shares with so many millions of his fellowmen. The man who is endowed with important personal qualities will be only too ready to see clearly in what respects his own nation falls short, since their failings will be constantly before his eyes. But every miserable fool who has nothing at all of which he can be proud adopts, as a last resource, pride in the nation to which he belongs; he is ready and glad to defend all its faults and follies tooth and nail, thus reimbursing himself for his own inferiority.
** [[Arthur Schopenhauer]], ''The Wisdom of Life'', translated by Thomas Bailey Saunders, Chapter IV, Section 2. Pride

* No one loves his country for its size or eminence, but because it is his own.
** [[Seneca the Younger]], ''Letters to Lucilius'' (1st Century), translated by E. Phillips Barker (Oxford: The Clarendon Press, 1932), p. 221.

* Patriotism is, fundamentally, a conviction that a particular country is the best in the world because you were born in it.
** [[George Bernard Shaw]] in ''The World'' (15 November 1893). Cited in ''Not Bloody Likely!: And Other Quotations from Bernard Shaw'' (1996), [http://books.google.com/books?id=kHGW4_M89aMC&amp;lpg=PP1&amp;pg=PA142#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false p. 142]

* That is a true sentiment which makes us feel that we do not love our country less, but more, because we have laid up in our minds the knowledge of other lands and other institutions and other races, and have had enkindled afresh within us the instinct of a common humanity, and of the universal beneficence of the Creator.
**[[Arthur Penrhyn Stanley]], reported in Josiah Hotchkiss Gilbert, ''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895), p. 442.

* What do we mean by patriotism in the context of our times? … A patriotism that puts country ahead of self; a patriotism which is not short, frenzied outbursts of emotion, but the tranquil and steady dedication of a lifetime.
**[[Adlai Stevenson]], speech in New York City (27 August 1952), quoted in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'' (1955), Boston: Little, Brown and Co., p. 986.

==T==
* '''Patriotism … for rulers is nothing else than a tool for achieving their power-hungry and money-hungry goals, and for the ruled it means renouncing their human dignity, reason, conscience, and slavish submission to those in power. … Patriotism is [[slavery]].'''
**[[Leo Tolstoy]], ''[https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Patriotism_and_Christianity Patriotism and Christianity]'' (1894).

* Those attacks upon language and religion in [[Poland]], the Baltic provinces, Alsace, Bohemia, upon the [[Judaism|Jews]] in Russia, in every place that such acts of violence occur—in what name have they been, and are they, perpetrated? In none other than the name of that patriotism which you defend.&lt;br /&gt; Ask our savage Russifiers of Poland and the Baltic provinces, ask the persecutors of the Jews, why they act thus. They will tell you it is in defence of their native religion and language; they will tell you that if they do not act thus, their religion and language will suffer—the Russians will be Polonised, Teutonised, Judaised.
** [[Leo Tolstoy]], ''Patriotism and Christianity'', [http://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Patriotism_and_Christianity/A_Reply_to_Criticisms A Reply to Criticisms]''.

* If patriotism is good, then [[Christianity]], which gives [[peace]], is an idle dream, and the sooner this teaching is eradicated, the better. But if Christianity really gives peace, and if we really want peace, then patriotism is a leftover from barbarous times, which must not only not be evoked and taught, as we now do, but which must be eradicated by all means of preaching, persuasion, contempt, and ridicule. If Christianity is the truth, and if we wish to live in peace, then we must not only have no sympathy for the power of our country, but must even rejoice in its weakening and contribute to it.
**[[Leo Tolstoy]], ''[http://www.nonresistance.org/docs_pdf/Tolstoy/Patriotism_or_Peace.pdf? Patriotism or Peace]''.

* I have already several times expressed the thought that in our day the feeling of patriotism is an unnatural, irrational, and harmful feeling, and a cause of a great part of the ills from which mankind is suffering, and that, consequently, this feeling – should not be cultivated, as is now being done, but should, on the contrary, be suppressed and eradicated by all means available to rational men. Yet, strange to say – though it is undeniable that the universal armaments and destructive wars which are ruining the peoples result from that one feeling – '''all my arguments showing the backwardness, anachronism, and harmfulness of patriotism have been met''', and are still met, either by silence, by intentional misinterpretation, or '''by a strange unvarying reply to the effect that only bad patriotism (Jingoism or Chauvinism) is evil, but that real good patriotism is a very elevated moral feeling, to condemn which is not only irrational but wicked.'''&lt;br /&gt;'''What this real, good patriotism consists in, we are never told; or, if anything is said about it, instead of explanation we get declamatory, inflated phrases, or, finally, some other conception is substituted for patriotism – something which has nothing in common with the patriotism we all know, and from the results of which we all suffer so severely.'''
**[[Leo Tolstoy]], ''[http://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Patriotism_and_Government Patriotism and Government]''.

* It will be said, &quot;Patriotism has welded mankind into states, and maintains the unity of states.&quot; But men are now united in states; that work is done; why now maintain exclusive devotion to one's own state, when this produces terrible evils for all states and nations? For this same patriotism which welded mankind into states is now destroying those same states. If there were but one patriotism say of the English only then it were possible to regard that as conciliatory, or beneficent. But when, as now, there is American patriotism, English, German, French, Russian, all opposed to one another, in this event, patriotism no longer unites, but disunites.
**[[Leo Tolstoy]], ''[http://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Patriotism_and_Government Patriotism and Government]''.
*At the bedrock of [[Politics of the United States|our politics]] will be a total allegiance to the [[United States|United States of America]], and through our loyalty to our country, we will rediscover our loyalty to each other. '''When you open your heart to patriotism, there is no room for prejudice.''' The [[The Bible|Bible]] tells us, &quot;How good and pleasant it is when God's people live together in unity.&quot; We must speak our minds openly, debate our disagreements honestly, but always pursue solidarity. When America is united, America is totally unstoppable. There should be no fear: We are protected, and we will always be protected. We will be protected by the great men and women of our [[United States Armed Forces|military]] and [[Law enforcement in the United States|law enforcement]], and most importantly, we will be protected by God.
**[[Donald Trump]], [https://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/documents/inaugural-address-14 Inaugural Address], (20 January 2017) 
*If this organization is to have any hope of successfully confronting the challenges before us, it will depend, as [[Harry S. Truman|President Truman]] said some 70 years ago, on the &quot;independent strength of its members.&quot; If we are to embrace the opportunities of the future and overcome the present dangers together, there can be no substitute for strong, sovereign, and independent nations: nations that are rooted in their histories and invested in their destinies; nations that seek allies to befriend, not enemies to conquer; and most important of all, nations that are home to patriots, to men and women who are willing to sacrifice for their countries, their fellow citizens, and for all that is best in the human spirit. In remembering the great victory that led to this body's founding, we must never forget that those heroes who fought against evil also fought for the nations that they loved. Patriotism led the Poles to die to save [[Poland]], the French to fight for a free [[France]], and the Brits to stand strong for [[United Kingdom|Britain]]. Today, if we do not invest ourselves, our hearts, and our minds in our nations, if we will not build strong families, safe communities, and healthy societies for ourselves, no one can do it for us. We cannot wait for someone else, for faraway countries or far-off [[Bureaucracy|bureaucrats]]—we can't do it. We must solve our problems, to build our prosperity, to secure our futures, or we will build vulnerable to decay, domination, and defeat. The true question for the [[United Nations]] today, for people all over the world who hope for better lives for themselves and their children, is a basic one: Are we still patriots? Do we love our nations enough to protect their sovereignty and to take ownership of their futures? Do we revere them enough to defend their interests, preserve their cultures, and ensure a peaceful world for their citizens?
**[[Donald Trump]], [https://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/documents/remarks-the-united-nations-general-assembly-new-york-city-13 Remarks to the United Nations General Assembly in New York City], (12 September 2017) 
*America is governed by Americans. We reject the ideology of globalism, and we embrace the doctrine of patriotism. Around the world, responsible nations must defend against threats to sovereignty not just from global governance, but also from other, new forms of coercion and domination.
**[[Donald Trump]], [https://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/documents/remarks-the-united-nations-general-assembly-new-york-city-14 Remarks to the United Nations General Assembly in New York City], (25 September 2018) 
*Like my beloved country, each nation represented in this hall has a cherished history, culture, and heritage that is worth defending and celebrating and which gives us our singular potential and strength. The free world must embrace its national foundations. It must not attempt to erase them or replace them. Looking around and all over this large, magnificent planet, the truth is plain to see: If you want freedom, take pride in your country. If you want democracy, hold on to your sovereignty. And if you want peace, love your nation. Wise leaders always put the good of their own people and their own country first. '''The future does not belong to globalists. The future belongs to patriots.''' The future belongs to sovereign and independent nations who protect their citizens, respect their neighbors, and honor the differences that make each country special and unique.
**[[Donald Trump]], [https://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/documents/remarks-the-united-nations-general-assembly-new-york-city-15 Remarks to the United Nations General Assembly in New York City], (24 September 2019)

* '''The modern patriotism, the true patriotism, the only rational patriotism is loyalty to the Nation all the time, loyalty to the Government when it deserves it.'''
** [[Mark Twain]], in the essay &quot;The Czar's Soliloquy&quot;, ''The North American Review'', No. DLXXX (March 1905), p. 324.
** Often misquoted as &quot;Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.&quot;

* In the beginning of a change, the patriot is a scarce man, and brave, and hated and scorned. When his cause succeeds the timid join him, for then it costs nothing to be a patriot.  
** [[Mark Twain]], in ''Mark Twain's Notebook'', edited by [[w:Albert Paine|Albert Bigelow Paine]] (New York: Harper &amp; Brothers, 1935), p. 394.

*'''The soul and substance of what customarily ranks as patriotism is moral cowardice — and always has been.'''
** [[Mark Twain]], in ''Mark Twain's Notebook'', edited by [[w:Albert Paine|Albert Bigelow Paine]] (New York: Harper &amp; Brothers, 1935), p. 394.

* Patriotism always exists in the greatest degree in rude nations, and in an early period of society.
:* [[Alexander Fraser Tytler]], ''Universal History''. Vol. 1, Jordan and Wiley, 1847, [https://books.google.co.uk/books?id=ujM-AAAAYAAJ&amp;pg=PA221 p. 221]

==W==
[[File:GeorgeWashington.jpg|thumb|Citizens by birth or choice, of a common country, that country has a right to concentrate your affections. The name of American, which belongs to you, in your national capacity, must always exalt the just pride of Patriotism, more than any appellation derived from local discriminations. ~ [[George Washington]]]]
* Gentlemen have talked a great deal of patriotism. A venerable word, when duly practised. But I am sorry to say that of late it has been so much hackneyed about that it is in danger of falling into disgrace. The very idea of true patriotism is lost, and the term has been prostituted to the very worst of purposes.
** [[Robert Walpole]], [https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Speech_Against_his_Removal_from_Office Speech Against his Removal from Office given to the House of Commons] (1741).

* Citizens by birth or choice, of a common country, that country has a right to concentrate your affections. The name of AMERICAN, which belongs to you, in your national capacity, must always exalt the just pride of Patriotism, more than any appellation derived from local discriminations.
** [[George Washington]], farewell address (September 19, 1796); in John C. Fitzpatrick, ed., ''The Writings of George Washington'' (1940), vol. 35, p. 219–20.

* Our patriotism comes straight from the Romans. This is why [[France|French]] children are encouraged to seek inspiration for it in Corneille. It is a pagan virtue, if these two words are compatible. The word pagan, when applied to Rome, really possesses the significance charged with horror which the early Christian controversialists gave it. The Romans really were an atheistic and idolatrous people; not idolatrous with regard to images made of stone or bronze, but idolatrous with regard to themselves. It is this idolatry of self which they have bequeathed to us in the form of patriotism.
** [[Simone Weil]], ''[[w:The Need for Roots|The Need for Roots]]''.

* &quot;Every national border in Europe,&quot; El Eswad added ironically, &quot;marks the place where two gangs of bandits got too exhausted to kill each other anymore and signed a treaty. Patriotism is the delusion that one of these gangs of bandits is better than all the others.&quot;
** [[Robert Anton Wilson]], ''The Earth Will Shake: The History of the Early Illuminati'' (The Historical Illuminatus Chronicles Vol. 1) (1982).

*'''[[Liberty]] has never come from the government. Liberty has always come from the subjects of the government. The history of liberty is a history of resistance. The history of liberty is a history of the limitation of governmental [[power]], not the increase of it.'''
** [[Woodrow Wilson]], Speech at New York Press Club (9 September 1912), in The papers of Woodrow Wilson, 25:124.

*Patriotism is the vice of nations.
**[[Oscar Wilde]], Phrases and Philosophies for the Use of the Young (1894).

*Patriotism is love and defense of one's own country, ordinarily considered a high virtue. The national flag is a sacred symbol; hearts quicken at the sound of martial bands. Celebrated in language, music, and the visual arts, patriotism leads us to some of our greatest acts of heroism. It gives us national holidays and justifies the purest kind of sacrifice. Patriotism can look fine and glamorous—at least in the abstract. Stripped of its ape essence, patriotism is male defense of the community, gloried among humans and surely enjoyed among [[chimpanzees]] and [[w:Bonobo|bonobos]]. For all the [[w:Cultural determinism|cultural determinists]]' efforts to persuade us that it's an arbitrary choice, patriotism seems such a fundamental aspect of being human that one can hardly imagine how things might be different.
**[[w:Richard Wrangham|Richard Wrangham]] and [[w:Dale Peterson|Dale Peterson]], ''[[w:Demonic Males|Demonic Males: Apes and the Origins of Human Violence]]'' (1996), p. 231

==Y==
*What is patriotism but love of the good things we ate in our childhood?
**[[Lin Yutang]], ''The Importance of Living'' (1937) Ch. IV : On Having A Stomach

==Z==
*'''If patriotism were defined, not as blind obedience to government, nor as submissive worship to flags and anthems, but rather as love of one's country, one's fellow citizens (all over the world), as loyalty to the principles of justice and democracy, then patriotism would require us to disobey our government, when it violated those principles.'''
** [[Howard Zinn]], ''Declarations of Independence: Cross-Examining American Ideology'' (1991).

==''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations''==
:&lt;small&gt;Quotes reported in ''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations'' (1922), p. 584-87.&lt;/small&gt;

* The die was now cast; I had passed the Rubicon. Swim or sink, live or die, survive or perish with my country was my unalterable determination.
** [[John Adams]], ''Works'', Volume IV, p. 8. In a conversation with Jonathan Sewell (1774). (Peele in Edward I [1584?] used the phrase &quot;Live or die, sink or swim.&quot;).

* Our ships were British oak,&lt;br&gt;And hearts of oak our men.
** [[S. J. Arnold]], ''Death of Nelson''.

* From distant climes, o'er wide-spread seas we come,&lt;br&gt;Though not with much éclat or beat of drum;&lt;br&gt;True patriots all; for be it understood&lt;br&gt;We left our country for our country's good.&lt;br&gt;No private views disgraced our generous zeal,&lt;br&gt;What urged our travels was our country's weal.
** [[George Barrington]], prologue for the Opening of the Playhouse at Sydney, New South Wales, Jan. 16, 1796. Dr. Young's Revenge was played by convicts.

* Be Briton still to Britain true,&lt;br&gt;  Among oursel's united;&lt;br&gt;For never but by British hands&lt;br&gt;  Maun British wrangs be righted.
** [[Robert Burns]], ''Dumfries Volunteers''.

* Again to the battle, Achaians!&lt;br&gt;Our hearts bid the tyrants defiance!&lt;br&gt;Our land, the first garden of liberty's tree—&lt;br&gt;It has been, and shall yet be, the land of the free.
** [[Thomas Campbell]], ''Song of the Greeks''.

* God save our gracious king,&lt;br&gt;Long live our noble king,&lt;br&gt;  God save the king.
** [[Henry Carey]], ''God Save the King''.

* I realize that patriotism is not enough. I must have no hatred toward any one.
** [[Edith Cavell]]. Quoted by the Newspapers as her last words before she was shot to death by the Germans in Brussels, Oct. 12, 1915.

* &quot;My country, right or wrong,&quot; is a thing that no patriot would think of saying except in a desperate case. It is like saying, &quot;My mother, drunk or sober.&quot;
** [[G. K. Chesterton]], ''The Defendant''.

* We join ourselves to no party that does not carry the flag and I keep step to the music of the Union.
** [[Rufus Choate]], Letter to a Worcester Whig Convention. Oct. 1, 1855.

* ''Patria est communis omnium parens.''
** Our country is the common parent of all.
** [[Cicero]], Orationes in Catilinam. I. 7.

* I have heard something said about allegiance to the South: I know no South, no North, no East, no West, to which I owe any allegiance.
** [[Henry Clay]], in the U.S. Senate. (1848).

* I hope to find my country in the right: however I will stand by her, right or wrong.
** [[John J. Crittenden]], in Congress, when President Polk sent a message after the defeat of the Mexican General Arista by General Taylor. May, 1846.

* Our country! In her intercourse with foreign nations, may she always be in the right; but our country, right or wrong.
** [[Stephen Decatur]], toast given at Norfolk, April, 1816. See Mackenzie's Life of Stephen Decatur, Chapter XIV.

* I wish I was in de land ob cotton,&lt;br&gt;Ole times dar am not forgotten,&lt;br&gt;  Look-a-way! Look-a-way! Look-a-way, Dixie Land!&lt;br&gt;    *    *    *    *    *&lt;br&gt;Den I wish I was in Dixie, Hooray! Hooray!&lt;br&gt;  In Dixie Land I'll take my stand&lt;br&gt;To lib and die in Dixie.
** [[Daniel D. Emmett]], ''Dixie Land''. See account in Century, Aug., 1887. A Southern version was written by Albert Pike.

* 'Twas for the good of my country that I should be abroad. Anything for the good of one's country—I'm a Roman for that.
** [[George Farquhar]], ''The Beaux' Stratagem'', Act III, scene 2, line 89.

* ''Liberté, égalité, fraternité.''
** Liberty, equality, fraternity.
** Watchword of French Revolution.

* And bold and hard adventures t' undertake,&lt;br&gt;Leaving his country for his country's sake.
** [[Charles Fitzgeffrey]], ''Life and Death of Sir Francis Drake'' (1600), Stanza 213.

* Our country is the world—our countrymen are all mankind.
** [[William Lloyd Garrison]], ''Motto of the Liberator'', 1837–1839. &quot;My country&quot; originally—later changed to &quot;Our country&quot;.

* Such is the patriot's boast, where'er we roam,&lt;br&gt;His first best country ever is at home.
** [[Oliver Goldsmith]], ''The Traveler'', line 73.

* Strike—for your altars and your fires;&lt;br&gt;Strike—for the green graves of your sires;&lt;br&gt;    God—and your native land!
** [[Fitz-Greene Halleck]], ''Marco Bozzaris''.

* And have they fixed the where, and when?&lt;br&gt; And shall Trelawny die?&lt;br&gt;Here's thirty thousand Cornish men&lt;br&gt; Will know the reason why!
** [[Robert Stephen Hawker]], ''Song of the Western Men''. Mr. Hawker asserts that he wrote the ballad in 1825, all save the chorus and the last two lines, which since the imprisonment by James II, 1688, of the seven Bishops, have been popular throughout Cornwall. (Trelawny was Bishop of Bristol.) First appearance in the Royal Devonport Telegram and Plymouth Chronicle, Sept. 2, 1826. Story of the ballad in Macaulay's History of England. Footnote for Hawker.

* He serves his party best who serves the country best.
** [[Rutherford B. Hayes]], Inaugural Address (March 5, 1877).

* I am not a Virginian but an American.
** [[Patrick Henry]], in the Continental Congress (Sept. 5, 1774).

* One flag, one land, one heart, one hand,&lt;br&gt;One Nation evermore!
** [[Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.]], ''Voyage of the Good Ship Union'', ''Poems of the Class of '29''.

* He serves me most who serves his country best.
** [[Homer]], ''The Iliad'', Book X, line 206. Pope's translation.

* And for our country 'tis a bliss to die.
** [[Homer]], ''The Iliad'', Book XV, line 583. Pope's translation.

* That man is little to be envied, whose patriotism would not gain force upon the plain of Marathon, or whose piety would not grow warmer among the ruins of Iona.
** [[Samuel Johnson]], ''A Journey to the Western Islands'', ''Inch Kenneth''.

* ''Pater patriæ.''
** Father of his country.
** [[Juvenal]], ''Satire VIII'', 244. Title bestowed on Cicero (B.C. 64) after his consulship, &quot;a mark of distinction which none ever gained before.&quot; Plutarch—Life of Cicero. Pliny, Book VII, calls Cicero &quot;Parens patriæ.&quot; Title conferred on Peter the Great by the Russian Senate. (1721). See Post-Boy, Dec. 28–30, 1721. Also applied to Augustus Cæsar and Marius.

* ''Je meurs content, je meurs pour la liberté de mon pays.''
** I die content, I die for the liberty of my country.
** Attributed to Le Pelletier, also to Marshal Lannes.

* The mystic chords of memory, stretching from every battlefield and patriot grave to every living heart and hearthstone all over this broad land, will yet swell the chorus of the Union, when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.
** [[Abraham Lincoln]], ''Inaugural Address'' (March 4, 1861).

* Is it an offence, is it a mistake, is it a crime to take a hopeful view of the prospects of your own country? Why should it be? Why should patriotism and pessimism be identical? Hope is the mainspring of patriotism.
** [[D. Lloyd George]], in the House of Commons (Oct. 30, 1919).

* And how can man die better&lt;br&gt;  Than facing fearful odds,&lt;br&gt;For the ashes of his fathers&lt;br&gt;  And the temples of his gods?
** [[Thomas Babington Macaulay, 1st Baron Macaulay]], ''Horatius keeps the Bridge''.

* 'Twere sweet to sink in death for Truth and Freedom!&lt;br&gt;Yes, who would hesitate, for who could bear&lt;br&gt;The living degradation we may know&lt;br&gt;If we do dread death for a sacred cause?
** [[Terence McSwiney]], lines written when a boy. In the ''Nation'' (Nov. 3, 1920).

* Our spirit is … to show ourselves eager to work for, and if need be, to die for the Irish Republic. Facing our enemy we must declare an attitude simply…. We ask for no mercy and we will make no compromise.
** [[Terence McSwiney]], Lord Mayor of Cork. From a document in his possession when he was sentenced, in August, 1920.

* ''Vox diversa sonat: populorum est vox tamen una,&lt;br&gt;Cum verus PATRIÆ diceris esse PATER.''
** There are many different voices and languages; but there is but one voice of the peoples when you are declared to be the true &quot;Father of your country.&quot;
** [[Martial]], ''De Spectaculis'', III. 11.

* We, that would be known&lt;br&gt;The father of our people, in our study&lt;br&gt;And vigilance for their safety, must, not change&lt;br&gt;Their ploughshares into swords, and force them from&lt;br&gt;The secure shade of their own vines, to be&lt;br&gt;Scorched with the flames of war.
** [[Philip Massinger]], ''The Maid of Honour'', Act I. 1.

* ''Nescio qua natale solum dulcedine captos&lt;br&gt;Ducit, et immemores non sinit esse sui.''
** Our native land charms us with inexpressible sweetness, and never allows us to forget that we belong to it.
** [[Ovid]], ''Epistolæ Ex Ponto'', I. 3. 35.

* ''Omne solum forti patria est.''
** The whole earth is the brave man's country.
** [[Ovid]], ''Fasti'', I. 501.

* ''Patria est, ubicunque est bene.''
** Our country is wherever we are well off.
** [[Pacuvius]], quoted by [[Cicero]], ''Tusculan''. Disputations. V. 37. Aristophanes. Plautus. [[Euripides]], Fragmenta Incerta. Phipiskus—Dion Cassius. I. 171.

* My country is the world, and my religion is to do good.
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''Rights of Man'', Chapter V.

* They know no country, own no lord,&lt;br&gt;Their home the camp, their law the sword.
** Free rendering of passage in Silvio Pellico's ''Enfernio de Messina'', Act V, scene 2.

* Millions for defence, but not one cent for tribute.
** Attributed to [[Charles C. Pinckney]] when Ambassador to the French Republic (1796). Denied by him. Said to have been &quot;Not a penny—not a sixpence.&quot; Attributed also to Robert Goodloe Harper, of South Carolina. &quot;I have ten thousand for defense, but none to surrender; if you want our weapons, come and get them.&quot; The response of an ancient General.

* If I were an American, as I am on Englishman, while a foreign troop was landed in my country I never would lay down my arms, never! never! never!
** [[William Pitt]] (Earl of Chatham), speech (Nov. 18, 1777).

* Socrates said he was not an Athenian or a Greek, but a citizen of the world.
** [[Plutarch]], ''On Banishment''.

* ''Patria est ubicumque vir fortis sedem elegerit.''
** A brave man's country is wherever he chooses his abode.
** [[Quintus Curtius Rufus]], ''De Rebus Gestis Alexandri Magni'', VI, 4, 13.

*&quot;'''patriotism''',&quot; i.e., a willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons.
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''Sceptical Essays'' (1928) Ch. 13: Freedom in Society.

*Patriots always talk of dying for their country, and never of killing for their country.
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''Has Man a Future?'' (1962), p. 78.

* Our country, right or wrong! When right, to be kept right; when wrong, to be put right!
** [[Carl Schurz]], speech in U.S. Senate (1872).

* The truth is plain to see - if you want freedom, take pride in your country; if you want democracy, hold onto your sovereignty, and if you want peace, love your nation. Wise leaders always put the good of their own people and their own country first. The future does not belong to globalists. The future belongs to patriots. The future belongs to sovereign and independent nations who protect their citizens, respect their neighbors, and honor the differences that make each country special and unique.
** [[Donald Trump]], [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefings-statements/remarks-president-trump-74th-session-united-nations-general-assembly/ Address at the 74th Session of the UN General Assembly]

* America is governed by Americans. We reject the ideology of globalism and we embrace the doctrine of patriotism.
** [[Donald Trump]], [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefings-statements/remarks-president-trump-74th-session-united-nations-general-assembly/ Address at the 74th Session of the UN General Assembly]

* Where's the coward that would not dare&lt;br&gt;To fight for such a land?
** [[Walter Scott]], ''Marmion'' (1808), Canto IV, Stanza 30.

* ''Servare cives, major est virtus patriæ patri.''
** To preserve the life of citizens, is the greatest virtue in the father of his country.
** [[Seneca the Younger]], ''Octavia'', 444.

* Had I a dozen sons,—each in my love alike,  *  *  *  I had rather have eleven die nobly for their country, than one voluptuously surfeit out of action.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Coriolanus]]'' (c. 1607-08), Act I, scene 3, line 24.

* I do love&lt;br&gt;My country's good with a respect more tender,&lt;br&gt;More holy and profound, than mine own life.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Coriolanus]]'' (c. 1607-08), Act III, scene 3, line 111.

* Where liberty is, there is my country.
** [[Algernon Sidney]]'s motto.

* He held it safer to be of the religion of the King or Queen that were in being, for he knew that he came raw into the world, and accounted it no point of wisdom to be broiled out of it.
** [[John Taylor]], ''The Old, Old, Very Old Man''. (Parr).

* A saviour of the silver-coasted isle.
** [[Alfred Tennyson]], ''Ode on Death of Duke of Wellington'', Part VI.

* Put none but Americans on guard tonight.
** Attributed to [[George Washington]]. The only basis for this order seems to be found in Washington's circular letter to regimental commanders, dated April 30, 1777, regarding recruits for his body guard. &quot;You will therefore send me none but natives.&quot; A few months before, Thomas Hickey, a deserter from the British army, had tried to poison Washington, had been convicted and hanged.

* Hands across the sea,&lt;br&gt; Feet on English ground,&lt;br&gt;The old blood is bold blood, the wide world round.
** [[Byron Webber]], ''Hands Across the Sea''.

* Let our object be, our country, our whole country, and nothing but our country.
** [[Daniel Webster]], address at the Laying of the Corner-Stone of the Bunker Hill Monument (June 17, 1825).

* Thank God, I—I also—am an American!
** [[Daniel Webster]], ''Completion of Bunker Hill Monument'' (June 17, 1843).

* Sink or swim, live or die, survive or perish, I give my hand and heart to this vote.
** [[Daniel Webster]], ''Eulogy on Adams and Jefferson''.

* I was born an American; I live an American; I shall die an American!
** [[Daniel Webster]], speech (July 17, 1850).

* Patriotism has become a mere national self assertion, a sentimentality of flag-cheering with no constructive duties.
** [[H. G. Wells]], ''Future in America''.

* The lines of red are lines of blood, nobly and unselfishly shed by men who loved the liberty of their fellowmen more than they loved their own lives and fortunes. God forbid that we should have to use the blood of America to freshen the color of the flag. But if it should ever be necessary, that flag will be colored once more, and in being colored will be glorified and purified.
** [[Woodrow Wilson]], Flag Day Speech (May 7, 1915).

* Our country—whether bounded by the St. John's and the Sabine, or however otherwise bounded or described, and be the measurements more or less;—still our country, to be cherished in all our hearts, and to be defended by all our hands.
** [[Robert C. Winthrop]], toast at Faneuil Hall (July 4, 1845). &quot;Our country, however bounded.&quot; Toast founded on the speech of Winthrop.

* There are no points of the compass on the chart of true patriotism.
** [[Robert C. Winthrop]], letter to Boston Commercial Club (12 June 1879).

* Our land is the dearer for our sacrifices. The blood of our martyrs sanctifies and enriches it. Their spirit passes into thousands of hearts. How costly is the progress of the race. It is only by the giving of life that we can have life.
** Rev. [[E. J. Young]], ''Lesson of the Hour'', in ''Magazine of History'', Extra. No. 43. Originally pub. in Monthly Religious Mag., Boston (May, 1865).

* America is the crucible of God. It is the melting pot where all the races are fusing and reforming … these are the fires of God you've come to…. Into the crucible with you all. God is making the American.
** [[Israel Zangwill]], ''The Melting Pot''

==''Respectfully Quoted: A Dictionary of Quotations'' (1989)==
* We would rather starve than sell our national honor.
** [[Indira Gandhi]], prime minister of India, remark at election meeting in Nagpur, India, as reported by The New York Times, January 23, 1967, p. 1. India had accepted trade restrictions with North Vietnam and Cuba to get grain from the United States. Prime Minister Gandhi said this did not compromise the country's honor because India had not been trading with North Vietnam, and her trade with Cuba was limited to the selling of jute products, which was not objected to by the United States.

* With earnest prayers to all my friends to cherish mutual good will, to promote harmony and conciliation, and above all things to let the love of our country soar above all minor passions, I tender you the assurance of my affectionate esteem and respect.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], letter to John Hollins (May 5, 1811); in Andrew A. Lipscomb, ed., ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'', vol. 13 (1903), p. 58–59.

* Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
** [[Samuel Johnson]], James Boswell, Life of Johnson, entry for Friday, April 7, 1775, p. 615 (1970). &quot;In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last resort of a scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer, I beg to submit that it is the first&quot;. Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, at entry for patriotism, The Collected Writings of Ambrose Bierce, p. 323 (1946, reprinted 1973). H. L. Mencken added this to Johnson's dictum: &quot;But there is something even worse: it is the first, last, and middle range of fools&quot;. The World, New York City, November 7, 1926, p. 3E

* True patriotism sometimes requires of men to act exactly contrary, at one period, to that which it does at another, and the motive which impels them—the desire to do right—is precisely the same.
** [[Robert E. Lee]], letter to General P. G. T. Beauregard, October 3, 1865. John William Jones, Life and Letters of Robert Edward Lee, Soldier and Man, p. 390 (1906).

* Intellectually I know America is no better than any other country; emotionally I know she is better than every other country.
** [[Sinclair Lewis]], radio interview in Berlin, Germany, December 29, 1930, as reported by The New York Times, December 30, 1930, p. 5.

* Whenever you hear a man speak of his love for his country it is a sign that he expects to be paid for it.
** [[H. L. Mencken]], A Mencken Chrestomathy, chapter 30, p. 616 (1949).

* Breathes there the man, with soul so dead,&lt;br&gt;Who never to himself hath said,&lt;br&gt;This is my own, my native land!&lt;br&gt;Whose heart hath ne'er within him burn'd,&lt;br&gt;As home his footsteps he hath turn'd,&lt;br&gt;From wandering on a foreign strand!
** Sir [[Walter Scott]], The Lay of the Last Minstrel, ed. Margaret A. Allen, canto sixth, 1, lines 1–6, p. 123 (1915).

* I venture to suggest that what we mean is a sense of national responsibility which will enable America to remain master of her power—to walk with it in serenity and wisdom, with self-respect and the respect of all mankind; a patriotism that puts country ahead of self; a patriotism which is not short, frenzied outbursts of emotion, but the tranquil and steady dedication of a lifetime. These are words that are easy to utter, but this is a mighty assignment. For it is often easier to fight for principles than to live up to them.
** [[Adlai Stevenson]], Governor of Illinois, speech to the American Legion convention, New York City, August 27, 1952. Speeches of Adlai Stevenson, p. 81 (1952).

== See also ==
* [[Nation]]
* [[Nationalism]]
* [[Statolatry]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{wiktionary|patriotism}}

[[Category:Nationalism]]</text>
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      <text bytes="72433" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Dwight D Eisenhower.jpg|thumb|Patriotism means equipped forces and a prepared citizenry. Moral stamina means more energy and more productivity, on the farm and in the factory. Love of liberty means the guarding of every resource that makes freedom possible--from the sanctity of our families and the wealth of our soil to the genius of our scientists. ~ [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]]]]
[[File:Naturalization ceremony at Kennedy Space Center.jpg|thumb|Patriotism, not nationalism, should inspire the citizen. The ethnic nationalist who wants a linguistically and culturally uniform nation is akin to the racist who is intolerant toward those who look and behave differently. The patriot is a &quot;diversitarian&quot;; he is pleased, indeed proud of the variety within the borders of his country; he looks for loyalty from all citizens. And he looks up and down, not left and right. ~ [[Erik von Kuehnelt-Leddihn]]]]
[[File:John Smibert - Bishop George Berkeley - Google Art Project.jpg|thumb|To be a good patriot, a man must consider his countrymen as God's creatures, and himself as accountable for his acting towards them. ~ [[George Berkeley]]]]
'''[[w:Patriotism|Patriotism]]''' or '''national pride''' is the feeling of love, devotion and sense of attachment to a [[w:homeland|homeland]] and alliance with other citizens who share the same sentiment.
__NOTOC__
{{TOCalpha|[[#Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations|''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations'']] · [[#Respectfully Quoted: A Dictionary of Quotations (1989)|''Respectfully Quoted: A Dictionary of Quotations'']]}}
==A==

* Patriotism is in political life what faith is in religion.
** [[John Dalberg-Acton, 1st Baron Acton|Lord Acton]], &quot;Nationality&quot;, ''The Home and Foreign Review'' (July 1862).

* The liberties of our country, the freedom of our civil [[Constitutions|Constitution]] are worth defending at all hazards; and it is our duty to defend -them against all attacks. We have received them as a fair [[inheritance]] from our worthy ancestors. They purchased them for us with toil, and danger, and expense of treasure and blood, and transmitted them to us with care and diligence. It will bring an everlasting mark of infamy on the present generation, enlightened as it is, if we should suffer them to be wrested from us by violence without a struggle, or be cheated out of them by the artifices of false and designing men. Of the latter, we are in most danger at present. Let us therefore be aware of it. Let us contemplate our forefathers and posterity, and resolve to maintain the rights bequeathed to us from the former for the sake of the latter. Instead of sitting down satisfied with the efforts we have already made, which is the wish of our enemies, the necessity of the times more than ever calls for our utmost circumspection, deliberation, fortitude, and perseverance. Let us remember that &quot;if we suffer tamely a lawless attack upon our liberty, we encourage it, and involve others in our doom!&quot; It is a very serious consideration, which should deeply impress our minds, ''that millions yet unborn may be the miserable sharers in the event!''
**[[Samuel Adams]], written as &quot;Candidus&quot; in ''The te'' (14 October 1771), later published in ''The Life and Public Services of Samuel Adams'' (1865) by William R. Vincent Wells, p. 425.

* Who would not be that youth? What pity is it&lt;br&gt;That we can die but once to save our country!
** [[Joseph Addison]], ''Cato, A Tragedy'' (1713), Act IV, scene 4

*''Pugnate pro patria'', fight for you country, your dearest country, wherein you have been bred, born, nourished and brought up, toward which you ought to be as inwardly affected, as you are naturally moved to your mothers. It is your native soil, and therefore most sweet; for what may be dearer or sweeter than your Country?
**[[w:William Averell|William Averell]], ''A Mervalious Combat of Contrarieties'' (1588), quoted in Bertrand T. Whitehead, ''Brags and Boasts: Propaganda in the Year of the Armada'' (1994), pp. 83-84

==B==
*We cannot without damage to our soul's health destroy the roots which bind us to the land and language of our birth. The love of country is a deep and universal instinct, freighted with ancient memories and subtle associations. Men who deny their national spiritual heritage in exchange for a vague and watery [[w:Cosmopolitanism|cosmopolitanism]] become less than men; they starve and dwarf their personalities; they turn into a sort of political eunuch.
**[[Stanley Baldwin]], speech to the [[w:Saint David's Day|St. David's Day]] Banquet in Cardiff (1 March 1927), quoted in ''Our Inheritance'' (1938), p. 50

* '''To be a good patriot, a man must consider his countrymen as God's creatures, and himself as accountable for his acting towards them.'''
**[[Bishop Berkeley]], reported in Josiah Hotchkiss Gilbert, ''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895), p. 442

* Patriotism, n. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name. In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last resort of a scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit it is the first.
** [[Ambrose Bierce]], ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911)

* If modern youth has realized, as I believe it has, that to live for one's country is a finer type of patriotism than to die for it, then the youth of my generation will not, after all, have laid down the best of its life in vain.
**  [[Vera Brittain]], &quot;Youth and War&quot;, 13 December 1934. Quoted in Paul Berry and Mark Bostridge, ''Vera Brittain: A Life''. Chatto and Windus, 1995. (p. 305)

* The unbought grace of life, the cheap defence of nations, the nurse of manly sentiment and heroic enterprise, is gone!
** [[Edmund Burke]], ''Reflections on the Revolution in France'' (1790), Volume III, p. 331

==C==
* But this I would say, standing as I do in the view of God and Eternity — I realise that '''patriotism is not enough. I must have no bitterness or hatred towards anyone.'''
** [[Edith Cavell]] (October 11, 1915), the evening before her execution by a German firing squad. S. Theodore Felstead, ''Edith Cavell: The Crime That Shook the World'' (London: George Newnes, 1950), pp. 185–6.

* “My country, right or wrong”, is a thing that no patriot would think of saying except in a desperate case. It is like saying, “My mother, drunk or sober”.
** [[G. K. Chesterton]], ''The Defendant'' (1901), p. 166.

* When I am abroad, I always make it a rule never to criticize or attack the government of my own country. I make up for lost time when I come home.
** [[Winston Churchill]], speech, House of Commons (April 18, 1947)

*[W]hen with a rational spirit you have surveyed the whole field, there is no social relation among them all more close, none more dear than that which links each one of us with our country. Parents are dear; dear are children, relatives, friends; but one native land embraces all our loves; and who that is true would hesitate to give his life for her, if by his death he could render her a service? So much the more execrable are those monsters who have torn their fatherland to pieces with every form of outrage and who are and have been engaged in compassing her utter destruction.
**[[Cicero]], ''[[w:De Officiis|De Officiis]]'', 1.57 (44 BC), quoted in ''De officiis. With an English translation by Walter Miller'' (1913), pp. 59, 61

*My education was built up upon ruthlessly hard-and-fast ideas crowned by a patriotism that nothing could shake. In the [[w:War in the Vendée|insurrection of Vendée]], allied with the foreigner against [[w:First French Republic|Revolutionary France]], the two qualities of patriot and republican were so merged in one another that the Ghouans called us ''patauds'', an insult that my forbears were proud of. The fatherland was, and could only be, everybody's home, where energies were developed in common. To renounce one's country had neither sense nor meaning. You might as well have expected the child to want to leave the shelter of its mother's wing. The home, the country, this was no theory; it was a natural phenomenon that had been realized from the very earliest ages of mankind. Animals had a temporary home in their lairs, man a permanent one in his country.
**[[Georges Clemenceau]], ''Grandeur and Misery of Victory'' (1930), p. 341

* The Nation has need of all that can be contributed to it through the best efforts of all its citizens. The colored people have repeatedly proved their devotion to the high ideals of our country. They gave their services in the war with the same [[w:Patriotism|patriotism]] and readiness that other citizens did. The records of the selective draft show that somewhat more than 2,250,000 [[African American|colored men]] were registered. The records further prove that, far from seeking to avoid participation in the national defense, they showed that they wished to enlist before the selective service act was put into operation, and they did not attempt to evade that act afterwards.
**[[Calvin Coolidge]], as quoted in [https://archive.org/stream/foundationsofrep00unit/foundationsofrep00unit_djvu.txt commencement address at Howard University] (6 June 1924), Washington, D.C.

* The [[propaganda]] of [[prejudice]] and hatred which sought to keep the colored men from supporting the national cause completely failed. The [[Black people|black]] man showed himself the same kind of citizen, moved by the same kind of patriotism, as the [[White people|white]] man. They were tempted, but not one betrayed [[United States|his country]]. Among well-nigh 400,000 colored men who were taken into the military service, about one-half had overseas experience. They came home with many decorations and their conduct repeatedly won high commendation from both American and European commanders.
**[[Calvin Coolidge]], as quoted in [https://archive.org/stream/foundationsofrep00unit/foundationsofrep00unit_djvu.txt commencement address at Howard University] (6 June 1924), Washington, D.C.

==D==
* Patriotism is an ephemeral motive that scarcely ever outlasts the particular threat to society that aroused it.
**[[Denis Diderot]], ''Observations on the Drawing Up of Laws'' (written in 1774 for [[Catherine II of Russia|Catherine the Great]]; published 1921)

*Befitting acts are all those which reason prevails with us to do; and this is the case with honouring one's parents, brothers and country, and intercourse with friends. Unbefitting, or contrary to duty, are all acts that reason deprecates, e.g. to neglect one's parents, to be indifferent to one's brothers, not to agree with friends, to disregard the interests of one's country, and so forth.
**[[Diogenes Laërtius]], ''Lives of the Eminent Philosophers'', VII.108, quoted in ''Lives of the Eminent Philosophers, Vol. II'', translated by Robert Drew Hicks (1925; 1995), p. 215

*[T]he principle of patriotism, which is the soul of free communities. 
**[[Benjamin Disraeli]], speech to the annual meeting of the Royal and Central Bucks Agricultural Association in Aylesbury (20 September 1876), quoted in ''The Times'' (21 September 1876), p. 6

*[T]he noblest of human sentiments, now decried by philosophers—the sentiment of patriotism.
**[[Benjamin Disraeli]], speech at the [[w:Guildhall, London|Guildhall, London]] (9 November 1879), quoted in William Flavelle Monypenny and George Earle Buckle, ''The Life of Benjamin Disraeli, Earl of Beaconsfield. Volume II. 1860–1881'' (1929), p. 1367

==E==
* No matter that patriotism is too often the refuge of scoundrels. '''[[Dissent]], [[rebellion]], and all-around hell-raising remain the true duty of patriots.'''
** [[Barbara Ehrenreich]] &quot;Family Values,&quot; The Worst Years of Our Lives: Irreverent Notes from a Decade of Greed (1991).

* '''Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism— how passionately I hate them!'''
**[[Albert Einstein]], ''Ideas and opinions'', p. 10, chapter: &quot;The world as I see it&quot;, translated by Sonja Bargmann from ''Mein Weltbild'' edited by Varl Seeling. Wings Books (New York), {{ISBN|978-0517003930}}.

* '''I am against any [[nationalism]], even in the guise of mere patriotism.''' [[Privilege|Privileges]] based on position and [[property]] have always seemed to me unjust and pernicious, as did any exaggerated personality cult.
** [[Albert Einstein]], ''My Credo'' (1932)

* '''Patriotism means equipped forces and a prepared citizenry. Moral stamina means more energy and more productivity, on the farm and in the factory. Love of [[liberty]] means the guarding of every resource that makes freedom possible—from the sanctity of our families and the wealth of our soil to the genius of our scientists.'''
** [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]], [[s:Dwight Eisenhower's First Inaugural Address|First Inaugural Address (20 January 1953)]]

==F==
* [[United States|America]] now is stumbling through the darkness of hatred and divisiveness. Our values, our principles, and our determination to succeed as a free and democratic people will give us a torch to light the way. And we will survive and become the stronger—not only because of a patriotism that stands for love of country, but a patriotism that stands for love of people.
** [[Gerald R. Ford]], address to the state conference of the Order of DeMolay, Grand Rapids, Michigan (September 7, 1968); in Michael V. Doyle, ed., ''Gerald R. Ford, Selected Speeches'' (1973), p. 77.

* Nationalism is our form of incest, is our idolatry, is our insanity. &quot;Patriotism&quot; is its cult. It should hardly be necessary to say, that by &quot;patriotism&quot; I mean that attitude which puts the own nation above humanity, above the principles of truth and justice; not the loving interest in one's own nation, which is the concern with the nation's spiritual as much as with its material welfare—never with its power over other nations. Just as love for one individual which excludes the love for others is not love, love for one's country which is not part of one's love for humanity is not love, but idolatrous worship.
**[[Erich Fromm]], in [[Erich Fromm#The Sane Society (1955)|''The Sane Society'']] (1955).

* There are two Americas. One is the America of [[Abraham Lincoln|Lincoln]] and [[Adlai Stevenson]]; the other is the America of [[Theodore Roosevelt|Teddy Roosevelt]] and the modern superpatriots. One is generous and humane, the other narrowly egotistical; one is self-critical, the other self-righteous; one is sensible, the other romantic; one is good-humored, the other solemn; one is inquiring, the other pontificating; one is moderate, the other filled with passionate intensity; one is judicious and the other arrogant in the use of great power.
**[[J. William Fulbright]], ''The Arrogance of Power'' (1966).

*If you think in terms of people divided up into countries, you won't follow me. The idea of countries is going by the boards. Young people are getting wonderfully uprooted and they're too strong to get sucked into this 'country' crap.
:*[[Buckminster Fuller]], quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=kVMEAAAAMBAJ&amp;pg=PA46 &quot;The View from the Year 2000&quot;] by [[w:Barry Farrell (journalist)|Barry Farrell]] in [[w:Life (magazine)|''LIFE'' magazine]] (26 February 1971)

==G==
*That public virtue, which among the ancients was denominated patriotism, is derived from a strong sense of our own interest, in the preservation and prosperity of the free government of which we are members. Such a sentiment, which had rendered the legions of the republic almost invincible, could make but a very feeble impression on the mercenary servants of a despotic prince; and it became necessary to supply that defect by other motives, of a different, but not less forcible nature; honour and religion.
**[[Edward Gibbon]], ''[[The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire|The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire, Volume the First]] '' (1776), p. 10

* It should be the work of a genuine and noble patriotism to raise the life of the nation to the level of its privileges; to harmonize its general practice with its abstract principles; to reduce to actual facts the ideals of its institutions; to elevate instruction into knowledge; to deepen knowledge into wisdom; to render knowledge and wisdom complete in righteousness; and to make the love of country perfect in the love of man.
**[[Henry Giles]], reported in Josiah Hotchkiss Gilbert, ''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895), p. 442.

*Patriotism ruins history.
** [[Johann Wolfgang von Goethe]], Conversation with Friedrich Wilhem Riemer (July, 1817).

* [[Conceit]], [[arrogance]], and [[egotism]] are the essentials of patriotism. … Patriotism assumes that our globe is divided into little spots, each one surrounded by an iron gate. Those who have had the fortune of being born on some particular spot, consider themselves better, nobler, grander, more intelligent than the living beings inhabiting any other spot. It is, therefore, the duty of everyone living on that chosen spot to fight, kill, and die in the attempt to impose his superiority upon all the others.
**[[Emma Goldman]], ''Patriotism: a menace to liberty''.

* We Americans claim to be a peace-loving people. We hate bloodshed; we are opposed to [[violence]]. Yet we go into spasms of joy over the possibility of projecting dynamite [[bombs]] from [[Airplane|flying machines]] upon helpless citizens. We are ready to hang, electrocute, or [[Lynching|lynch]] anyone, who, from economic necessity, will risk his own life in the attempt upon that of some [[Business magnate|industrial magnate]]. Yet our hearts swell with pride at the thought that America is becoming the most powerful nation on earth, and that she will eventually plant her iron foot on the necks of all other nations.  Such is the logic of patriotism.
**[[Emma Goldman]], ''What is Patriotism?'' (1908).

* Thinking [[Man|men]] and [[women]] the world over are beginning to realize that patriotism is too narrow and limited a conception to meet the necessities of our time.
** [[Emma Goldman]], ''What is Patriotism?'' (1908).

*When we have undermined the patriotic lie, we shall have cleared the path for the great structure where all shall be united into a universal brotherhood — a truly free society.
**[[Emma Goldman]], ''What is Patriotism?'' (1908).

*[[Leo Tolstoy]] … defines patriotism as the principle that will justify the training of wholesale [[Homicide|murderers]].
**[[Emma Goldman]] in a speech titled ''What is patriotism?'' delivered in 1908.

==H==
* '''I only regret that I have but one life to lose for my country.'''
** [[Nathan Hale]], last words before being hanged by the British as a spy, (September 22, 1776), according to the account by [[w:William Hull|William Hull]] based on reports by British Captain [[w:John Montresor|John Montresor]] who was present and who spoke to Hull under a flag of truce the next day:
:: ‘On the morning of his execution,’ continued the officer, ‘my station was near the fatal spot, and I requested the Provost Marshal to permit the prisoner to sit in my marquee, while he was making the necessary preparations. Captain Hale entered: he was calm, and bore himself with gentle dignity, in the consciousness of rectitude and high intentions. He asked for writing materials, which I furnished him: he wrote two letters, one to his mother and one to a brother officer.’ He was shortly after summoned to the gallows. But a few persons were around him, yet his characteristic dying words were remembered. He said, ‘I only regret, that I have but one life to lose for my country.’
: Some speculation exists that Hale might have been repeating or paraphrasing lines from [[Joseph Addison]]'s play ''Cato'', Act IV, Scene IV: ''
:: How beautiful is death when earned by virtue. Who would not be that youth? '''What pity is it that we can die but once to serve our country.'''
: See George Dudley Seymour, ''Captain Nathan Hale, Major John Palsgrave Wyllys, A Digressive History'', (1933), p. 39.
: Another early variant of his last words exists, as reported in the ''Independent Chronicle and the Universal Advertiser'' (17 May 1781):
:: '''I am so satisfied with the cause in which I have engaged, that my only regret is, that I have not more lives than one to offer in its service.'''

* The difference between patriotism and nationalism is that the patriot is proud of his country for what it does, and the nationalist is proud of his country no matter what it does; the first attitude creates a feeling of responsibility, but the second a feeling of blind arrogance that leads to war.
** [[Sydney J. Harris]], ''Strictly Personal'' (1953), &quot;Purely Personal Prejudices&quot;.

* The most noble fate a man can endure is to place his own mortal body between his loved home and the war's desolation.
** [[Robert A. Heinlein]], ''[[Starship Troopers]]''.

*'''Gentlemen may cry, Peace, peace! But there is no peace. The war is actually begun! The next gale that sweeps from the north will bring to our ears the clash of resounding arms! Our brethren are already in the field! Why stand we here idle? What is it that gentlemen wish? What would they have? '''Is life so dear or peace so sweet as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me liberty or give me death!'''
** [[Patrick Henry]], ''Give me liberty or give me death!'' (1775).

* I was over in [[Australia]], and I was asked, 'Are you proud to be an American?' And I was like, 'Um, I don't know, I didn't have a lot to do with it. You know, my parents ''fucked'' there, that's about all. You know, I was in the spirit realm at that time. &quot;Fuck in [[Paris]]! Fuck in Paris!&quot; but they couldn't hear me, cos I didn't have a mouth. I was a spirit without lungs or mouth or vocal cords.' They fucked ''here''. OK, I'm proud. I hate patriotism. I can't stand it, man. Makes me fuckin' sick. It's a round world last time I checked, OK? You know what I mean. I hate patriotism. In fact, that's how we could stop patriotism, I think. Instead of putting stars and stripes on our flags, we should put pictures of our parents fucking.
** [[Bill Hicks]] (1993), live at Laff Stop, Austin, TX. Recording of show included in ''[[w:Rant in E-Minor|Rant in E-Minor]]'' (1997). Transcription in ''[[w:Love All the People: Letters, Lyrics, Routines|Love All the People]]'' (2004).

*''Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori''. 
**It is sweet and honourable to die for one's country.
**[[Horace]], ''[[w:Odes (Horace)|Odes]]'', Book III, ode ii, line 13

* The [[Protestantism|Protestant]] way of reconciling the commandments of [[Christ]] with those human activities that appealed to them was to declare any reconciliation to be impossible. … We must love our enemies. But whether this means burning the heretic and the witch, sending children to work before they can read, making bombs and blessing them, or whether it means the opposite, each believer has to decide for himself without even suspecting what the true will of God might be. A guiding light, though a deceptive one, is provided by the interest of the fatherland, of which there is little mention in the [[Gospel|Gospels]]. In the last few centuries, an incomparably greater number of believers have staked their lives for their country than for the forbidden love of its enemies. The idealists from [[Fichte]] to [[Hegel]] have also taken an active part in this development. In [[Europe]], faith in God has now become faith in one’s own people. The motto, “Right or wrong, my country,” together with the tolerance of other religions with similar views, takes us back into that ancient world from which the primitive Christians had turned away.
** [[Max Horkheimer]], “Theism and Atheism” (1963), in ''Critique of Instrumental Reason'' (1974).

* I have written for all, with a profound love for my own country, but without being engrossed by [[France]] more than by any other nation. In proportion as I advance in life, I grow more simple, and I become more and more [[patriotic]] for humanity.
** [[Victor Hugo]], in a letter To M. Daelli, publisher of the Italian translation of ''[[Les Misérables]]'' (18 October 1862).

==I==
* Patriotism varies, from a noble devotion to a moral lunacy.
**[[William Ralph Inge]], in &quot;Our Present Discontents&quot; (August 1919) in ''Outspoken Essays'' (1919), p. 2.

* Who fears to speak of Ninety-eight?&lt;br&gt;Who blushes at the name?&lt;br&gt;When cowards mock the patriot's fate,&lt;br&gt;Who hangs his head for shame?
** [[John K. Ingram]], ''The Dublin Nation'' (April 1, 1843), Volume II, p. 339.

==J==
* Our [[Union (American Civil War)|Union]]: It must be preserved.
** [[Andrew Jackson]], toast at a Jefferson Day dinner (April 13, 1830). Marquis James, ''Andrew Jackson: Portrait of a President'' (1937), p. 235. The account by James emphasizes the shocked reaction of Jackson's vice president, John C. Calhoun, to this toast, since it was clear he had lost Jackson's support of the Southern cause of nullification. When Calhoun's turn came, his toast was: &quot;The Union, next to our liberty, most dear. May we all remember that it can only be preserved by respecting the rights of the States and by distributing equally the benefits and burdens of the Union&quot; (pp. 235–36). According to Martin Van Buren, ''Autobiography'' (1920, reprinted 1973), vol. 2, p. 415, at the urging of General Hayne, Jackson altered his toast to &quot;Our Federal Union&quot; before it was given to the newspapers, and it was reported in this form in many sources including James Parton, ''Life of Andrew Jackson'' (1860), vol. 3, p. 283, and Thomas Hart Benton, ''Thirty Years View'' (1854, reprinted 1883), vol. 1, p. 148.

*I'm no second-class citizen either and no man here is, unless he thinks like one and reasons like one and performs like one. This is my country and I believe in her, and I will serve her, and I'll contribute to her welfare whenever and however I can. If she has any ills, I'll stand by her until in God's given time, through her wisdom and her consideration for the welfare of the entire nation, she will put them right.
**[[Daniel James Jr.]], as quoted in ''The Right to Fight: A History of African Americans in The Military'' (1998), by Gerald Astor, De Capo Press, pp. 440–443

*The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. It is its natural manure.'''
** [[Thomas Jefferson]][http://odur.let.rug.nl/~usa/P/tj3/writings/brf/jefl64.htm Letter] to [[w:William Stephens Smith|William Stephens Smith]] (13 November 1787), quoted in Padover's ''Jefferson On Democracy''.

* Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
**[[Samuel Johnson]], statement (7 April 1775), as quoted in ''[[w:The Life of Samuel Johnson|Life of Samuel Johnson]]'' (1791) by [[w:James Boswell|James Boswell]], p. 253; Boswell's full mention of this statement reads:
:: Patriotism having become one of our topicks, Johnson suddenly uttered, in a strong determined tone, an apophthegm, at which many will start: &quot;Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.&quot; But let it be considered, that he did not mean a real and generous love of our country, but that pretended patriotism which so many, in all ages and countries, have made a cloak of self-interest.

==K==
* I never felt so near the glory of Patriotism, the glory of making by any means a country happier.
** [[John Keats]] (July 1, 1818) in a letter to Thomas Keats (June 29 - July 2, 1818). ''Letters of John Keats to His Family and Friends'', edited by [[w:Sidney Colvin|Sidney Colvin]] (London: Macmillan, 1891), p. 117.
** Usually quoted in the form &quot;Patriotism is the glory of making by any means a country happier,&quot; e.g. by [[w:Elizabeth Goudge|Elizabeth Goudge]] in ''The Castle on the Hill'' (1942), chapters VI.i and XIV.ii.

* '''Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill, that we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe to assure the survival and the success of liberty.'''
** [[John F. Kennedy]], Inaugural Address, (20 January 1961).

* '''And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you — ask what you can do for your country.&lt;br&gt;My fellow citizens of the world: ask not what America will do for you, but what together we can do for the freedom of man.'''
** [[John F. Kennedy]], Inaugural Address, (20 January 1961).

*Patriotism, not nationalism, should inspire the citizen. The ethnic nationalist who wants a linguistically and culturally uniform nation is akin to the racist who is intolerant toward those who look (and behave) differently. The patriot is a &quot;diversitarian&quot;; he is pleased, indeed proud of the variety within the borders of his country; he looks for loyalty from all citizens. And he looks up and down, not left and right.
**[[Erik von Kuehnelt-Leddihn]], ''Leftism Revisited'' (1990), p. 327

==L==
* All should unite in honest efforts to obliterate the effects of war, and to restore the blessings of peace. They should remain, if possible, in the country; promote harmony and good feeling; qualify themselves to vote; and elect to the State and general [[Legislature|Legislatures]] wise and patriotic men, who will devote their abilities to the interests of the country, and the healing of all dissensions. I have invariably recommended this course since the cessation of hostilities, and have endeavored to practice it myself.
**[[Robert E. Lee]], in a letter to former Virginia governor [[w:John Letcher|John Letcher]] (28 August 1865), as quoted in ''Personal Reminiscences, Anecdotes, and Letters of Gen. Robert E. Lee'' (1875) by John William Jones, p. 203.

* True patriotism sometimes requires of men to act exactly contrary, at one period, to that which it does at another, and the motive which impels them — the desire to do right — is precisely the same.
**[[Robert E. Lee]], in a letter to General [[w:P. G. T. Beauregard|P. G. T. Beauregard]] (3 October 1865).

==M==
* '''[[Faith]] and patriotism are the two great thaumaturges of this world.''' Both are divine; all their actions are prodigies. Do not go to them talking of examination, choice, or discussion; they will say that you blaspheme. They know only two words: ''submission'' and ''belief;'' with these two levers they raise the world. Even their errors are [[Sublime (philosophy)|sublime]]. These two children of [[Heaven]] prove their origin to all eyes by creating and conserving; but if they unite, join their forces, and together take possession of a nation, they exalt it, they divinize it, and they increase its forces a hundred-fold.
** [[Joseph de Maistre]], ''Against Rousseau'' (1795), p. 88

* In uniform patriotism can salute one flag only, embrace but the first circle of life—one's own land and tribe. In war that is necessary, in peace it is not enough.
**[[Bill Moyers]], &quot;At Large&quot;, speech at the Peace Corps twenty-fifth anniversary memorial service (21 September 1986), published in ''Moyers on Democracy'' (2008), p. 26.

==N==
* I have no patriotism, for patriotism, as I see it, is often an arbitrary veneration of real estate above principles.
** [[George Jean Nathan]], ''Testament of a Critic'' (New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 1931), p. 16.

==O==
* By 'nationalism'... I mean the habit of identifying oneself with a single nation or other unit, placing it beyond good and evil and recognising no other duty than that of advancing its interests. Nationalism is not to be confused with patriotism. Both words are normally used in so vague a way that any definition is liable to be challenged, but one must draw a distinction between them, since two different and even opposing ideas are involved. 
**[[George Orwell]], ''Essay: Notes on Nationalism'' (1945).

*By 'patriotism' I mean devotion to a particular place and a particular way of life, which one believes to be the best in the world but has no wish to force on other people. Patriotism is of its nature defensive, both militarily and culturally. Nationalism, on the other hand, is inseparable from the desire for power. The abiding purpose of every nationalist is to secure more power and more prestige, not for himself but for the nation or other unit in which he has chosen to sink his own individuality.
**[[George Orwell]], ''Essay: Notes on Nationalism'' (1945).

* No one is patriotic about [[Taxation|taxes]].
** [[George Orwell]], [http://orwelldiaries.wordpress.com/2010/08/09/9-8-40/ ''Orwell Diaries 1938-1942'', (9 August 1940)].

==P==
*'''THESE are the [[times]] that try men's [[souls]]. The [[summer]] soldier and the sunshine [[patriot]] will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of their [[country]]; but he that stands it now, deserves the [[love]] and thanks of man and woman
**[[Thomas Paine]], ''The American Crisis'' (1776 - 1783)

*I would sooner receive injustice in the [[Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom|Queen]]'s courts than justice in a foreign court. I hold that man or woman to be a scoundrel who goes abroad to a foreign court to have the judgments of the Queen's courts overturned, the actions of her Government countermanded or the legislation of [[Parliament of the United Kingdom|Parliament]] struck down.
**[[Enoch Powell]], Speech in Ilford (13 March 1982), from Simon Heffer, ''Like the Roman. The Life of Enoch Powell'' (Phoenix, 1999), p. 853.

==R==
* National pride is to countries what self-respect is to individuals: a necessary condition for self-improvement.
**[[Richard Rorty]] - ''[[w:Achieving Our Country|Achieving Our Country]]: Leftist Thought in Twentieth Century America''. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 1998
&lt;!--* It is right to prefer our own country to all others, because we are children and citizens before we can be travellers or philosophers. … It is no accident for the soul to be embodied; her very essence is to express and bring to fruition the body's functions and resources. Its instincts make her ideals and its relations her world. A native country is a sort of second body, another enveloping organism to give the will definition. A specific inheritance strengthens the soul.//not in Santayana 1905 chapter 7--&gt;

* [Patriotism is the] willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons.
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''Sceptical Essays'' (1928), Ch. 13: Freedom in Society.

* Patriots always talk of dying for their country, and never of killing for their country.
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''Has Man a Future?'' (1962).

==S==
* A man's feet should be planted in his country, but his eyes should survey the world.
** [[George Santayana]], {{w|The Life of Reason}} (1905) Chapter VII: Patriotism.

* To me, it seems a dreadful indignity to have a soul controlled by geography.
** [[George Santayana]], letter (16 August 1914) to Mary Williams Winslow. ''The Letters of George Santayana, Book Two 1910–1920'', edited by William G. Holzberger (Cambridge, MA: The MIT Press, 2001), p. 192.

*Patriotism, when it wants to make itself felt in the domain of learning, is a dirty fellow who should be thrown out of doors.
** [[Arthur Schopenhauer]], ''Parerga and Paralipomena'' (1851) '' Counsels and Maxims'' Vol. 2, Ch. 21, § 255.

* The cheapest sort of pride is national pride; for if a man is proud of his own nation, it argues that he has no qualities of his own of which he can be proud; otherwise he would not have recourse to those which he shares with so many millions of his fellowmen. The man who is endowed with important personal qualities will be only too ready to see clearly in what respects his own nation falls short, since their failings will be constantly before his eyes. But every miserable fool who has nothing at all of which he can be proud adopts, as a last resource, pride in the nation to which he belongs; he is ready and glad to defend all its faults and follies tooth and nail, thus reimbursing himself for his own inferiority.
** [[Arthur Schopenhauer]], ''The Wisdom of Life'', translated by Thomas Bailey Saunders, Chapter IV, Section 2. Pride

*Patriotism is an extension of the natural love of home... The term suggests that the sentiment is conceived on the model of love from child to parent, presumably because it is held to be a kind of piety, not reducible to any rescindable agreement or acquired affection. That would not make patriotism irrational, any more than love of parents is irrational, but it would do something to explain why the patriot himself may be able to give no reasoned basis for his emotion.
**[[Roger Scruton]], ''A Dictionary of Political Thought'' (1982; 2nd ed., 1996), p. 409

* No one loves his country for its size or eminence, but because it is his own.
** [[Seneca the Younger]], ''Letters to Lucilius'' (1st Century), translated by E. Phillips Barker (Oxford: The Clarendon Press, 1932), p. 221.

* Patriotism is, fundamentally, a conviction that a particular country is the best in the world because you were born in it.
** [[George Bernard Shaw]] in ''The World'' (15 November 1893). Cited in ''Not Bloody Likely!: And Other Quotations from Bernard Shaw'' (1996), [http://books.google.com/books?id=kHGW4_M89aMC&amp;lpg=PP1&amp;pg=PA142#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false p. 142]

* That is a true sentiment which makes us feel that we do not love our country less, but more, because we have laid up in our minds the knowledge of other lands and other institutions and other races, and have had enkindled afresh within us the instinct of a common humanity, and of the universal beneficence of the Creator.
**[[Arthur Penrhyn Stanley]], reported in Josiah Hotchkiss Gilbert, ''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895), p. 442.

* What do we mean by patriotism in the context of our times? … A patriotism that puts country ahead of self; a patriotism which is not short, frenzied outbursts of emotion, but the tranquil and steady dedication of a lifetime.
**[[Adlai Stevenson]], speech in New York City (27 August 1952), quoted in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'' (1955), Boston: Little, Brown and Co., p. 986.

==T==
* '''Patriotism … for rulers is nothing else than a tool for achieving their power-hungry and money-hungry goals, and for the ruled it means renouncing their human dignity, reason, conscience, and slavish submission to those in power. … Patriotism is [[slavery]].'''
**[[Leo Tolstoy]], ''[https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Patriotism_and_Christianity Patriotism and Christianity]'' (1894).

* Those attacks upon language and religion in [[Poland]], the Baltic provinces, Alsace, Bohemia, upon the [[Judaism|Jews]] in Russia, in every place that such acts of violence occur—in what name have they been, and are they, perpetrated? In none other than the name of that patriotism which you defend.&lt;br /&gt; Ask our savage Russifiers of Poland and the Baltic provinces, ask the persecutors of the Jews, why they act thus. They will tell you it is in defence of their native religion and language; they will tell you that if they do not act thus, their religion and language will suffer—the Russians will be Polonised, Teutonised, Judaised.
** [[Leo Tolstoy]], ''Patriotism and Christianity'', [http://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Patriotism_and_Christianity/A_Reply_to_Criticisms A Reply to Criticisms]''.

* If patriotism is good, then [[Christianity]], which gives [[peace]], is an idle dream, and the sooner this teaching is eradicated, the better. But if Christianity really gives peace, and if we really want peace, then patriotism is a leftover from barbarous times, which must not only not be evoked and taught, as we now do, but which must be eradicated by all means of preaching, persuasion, contempt, and ridicule. If Christianity is the truth, and if we wish to live in peace, then we must not only have no sympathy for the power of our country, but must even rejoice in its weakening and contribute to it.
**[[Leo Tolstoy]], ''[http://www.nonresistance.org/docs_pdf/Tolstoy/Patriotism_or_Peace.pdf? Patriotism or Peace]''.

* I have already several times expressed the thought that in our day the feeling of patriotism is an unnatural, irrational, and harmful feeling, and a cause of a great part of the ills from which mankind is suffering, and that, consequently, this feeling – should not be cultivated, as is now being done, but should, on the contrary, be suppressed and eradicated by all means available to rational men. Yet, strange to say – though it is undeniable that the universal armaments and destructive wars which are ruining the peoples result from that one feeling – '''all my arguments showing the backwardness, anachronism, and harmfulness of patriotism have been met''', and are still met, either by silence, by intentional misinterpretation, or '''by a strange unvarying reply to the effect that only bad patriotism (Jingoism or Chauvinism) is evil, but that real good patriotism is a very elevated moral feeling, to condemn which is not only irrational but wicked.'''&lt;br /&gt;'''What this real, good patriotism consists in, we are never told; or, if anything is said about it, instead of explanation we get declamatory, inflated phrases, or, finally, some other conception is substituted for patriotism – something which has nothing in common with the patriotism we all know, and from the results of which we all suffer so severely.'''
**[[Leo Tolstoy]], ''[http://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Patriotism_and_Government Patriotism and Government]''.

* It will be said, &quot;Patriotism has welded mankind into states, and maintains the unity of states.&quot; But men are now united in states; that work is done; why now maintain exclusive devotion to one's own state, when this produces terrible evils for all states and nations? For this same patriotism which welded mankind into states is now destroying those same states. If there were but one patriotism say of the English only then it were possible to regard that as conciliatory, or beneficent. But when, as now, there is American patriotism, English, German, French, Russian, all opposed to one another, in this event, patriotism no longer unites, but disunites.
**[[Leo Tolstoy]], ''[http://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Patriotism_and_Government Patriotism and Government]''.
*At the bedrock of [[Politics of the United States|our politics]] will be a total allegiance to the [[United States|United States of America]], and through our loyalty to our country, we will rediscover our loyalty to each other. '''When you open your heart to patriotism, there is no room for prejudice.''' The [[The Bible|Bible]] tells us, &quot;How good and pleasant it is when God's people live together in unity.&quot; We must speak our minds openly, debate our disagreements honestly, but always pursue solidarity. When America is united, America is totally unstoppable. There should be no fear: We are protected, and we will always be protected. We will be protected by the great men and women of our [[United States Armed Forces|military]] and [[Law enforcement in the United States|law enforcement]], and most importantly, we will be protected by God.
**[[Donald Trump]], [https://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/documents/inaugural-address-14 Inaugural Address], (20 January 2017) 
*If this organization is to have any hope of successfully confronting the challenges before us, it will depend, as [[Harry S. Truman|President Truman]] said some 70 years ago, on the &quot;independent strength of its members.&quot; If we are to embrace the opportunities of the future and overcome the present dangers together, there can be no substitute for strong, sovereign, and independent nations: nations that are rooted in their histories and invested in their destinies; nations that seek allies to befriend, not enemies to conquer; and most important of all, nations that are home to patriots, to men and women who are willing to sacrifice for their countries, their fellow citizens, and for all that is best in the human spirit. In remembering the great victory that led to this body's founding, we must never forget that those heroes who fought against evil also fought for the nations that they loved. Patriotism led the Poles to die to save [[Poland]], the French to fight for a free [[France]], and the Brits to stand strong for [[United Kingdom|Britain]]. Today, if we do not invest ourselves, our hearts, and our minds in our nations, if we will not build strong families, safe communities, and healthy societies for ourselves, no one can do it for us. We cannot wait for someone else, for faraway countries or far-off [[Bureaucracy|bureaucrats]]—we can't do it. We must solve our problems, to build our prosperity, to secure our futures, or we will build vulnerable to decay, domination, and defeat. The true question for the [[United Nations]] today, for people all over the world who hope for better lives for themselves and their children, is a basic one: Are we still patriots? Do we love our nations enough to protect their sovereignty and to take ownership of their futures? Do we revere them enough to defend their interests, preserve their cultures, and ensure a peaceful world for their citizens?
**[[Donald Trump]], [https://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/documents/remarks-the-united-nations-general-assembly-new-york-city-13 Remarks to the United Nations General Assembly in New York City], (12 September 2017) 
*America is governed by Americans. We reject the ideology of globalism, and we embrace the doctrine of patriotism. Around the world, responsible nations must defend against threats to sovereignty not just from global governance, but also from other, new forms of coercion and domination.
**[[Donald Trump]], [https://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/documents/remarks-the-united-nations-general-assembly-new-york-city-14 Remarks to the United Nations General Assembly in New York City], (25 September 2018) 
*Like my beloved country, each nation represented in this hall has a cherished history, culture, and heritage that is worth defending and celebrating and which gives us our singular potential and strength. The free world must embrace its national foundations. It must not attempt to erase them or replace them. Looking around and all over this large, magnificent planet, the truth is plain to see: If you want freedom, take pride in your country. If you want democracy, hold on to your sovereignty. And if you want peace, love your nation. Wise leaders always put the good of their own people and their own country first. '''The future does not belong to globalists. The future belongs to patriots.''' The future belongs to sovereign and independent nations who protect their citizens, respect their neighbors, and honor the differences that make each country special and unique.
**[[Donald Trump]], [https://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/documents/remarks-the-united-nations-general-assembly-new-york-city-15 Remarks to the United Nations General Assembly in New York City], (24 September 2019)

* '''The modern patriotism, the true patriotism, the only rational patriotism is loyalty to the Nation all the time, loyalty to the Government when it deserves it.'''
** [[Mark Twain]], in the essay &quot;The Czar's Soliloquy&quot;, ''The North American Review'', No. DLXXX (March 1905), p. 324.
** Often misquoted as &quot;Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.&quot;

* In the beginning of a change, the patriot is a scarce man, and brave, and hated and scorned. When his cause succeeds the timid join him, for then it costs nothing to be a patriot.  
** [[Mark Twain]], in ''Mark Twain's Notebook'', edited by [[w:Albert Paine|Albert Bigelow Paine]] (New York: Harper &amp; Brothers, 1935), p. 394.

*'''The soul and substance of what customarily ranks as patriotism is moral cowardice — and always has been.'''
** [[Mark Twain]], in ''Mark Twain's Notebook'', edited by [[w:Albert Paine|Albert Bigelow Paine]] (New York: Harper &amp; Brothers, 1935), p. 394.

* Patriotism always exists in the greatest degree in rude nations, and in an early period of society.
:* [[Alexander Fraser Tytler]], ''Universal History''. Vol. 1, Jordan and Wiley, 1847, [https://books.google.co.uk/books?id=ujM-AAAAYAAJ&amp;pg=PA221 p. 221]

==W==
[[File:GeorgeWashington.jpg|thumb|Citizens by birth or choice, of a common country, that country has a right to concentrate your affections. The name of American, which belongs to you, in your national capacity, must always exalt the just pride of Patriotism, more than any appellation derived from local discriminations. ~ [[George Washington]]]]
* Gentlemen have talked a great deal of patriotism. A venerable word, when duly practised. But I am sorry to say that of late it has been so much hackneyed about that it is in danger of falling into disgrace. The very idea of true patriotism is lost, and the term has been prostituted to the very worst of purposes.
** [[Robert Walpole]], [https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Speech_Against_his_Removal_from_Office Speech Against his Removal from Office given to the House of Commons] (1741).

* Citizens by birth or choice, of a common country, that country has a right to concentrate your affections. The name of AMERICAN, which belongs to you, in your national capacity, must always exalt the just pride of Patriotism, more than any appellation derived from local discriminations.
** [[George Washington]], farewell address (September 19, 1796); in John C. Fitzpatrick, ed., ''The Writings of George Washington'' (1940), vol. 35, p. 219–20.

* Our patriotism comes straight from the Romans. This is why [[France|French]] children are encouraged to seek inspiration for it in Corneille. It is a pagan virtue, if these two words are compatible. The word pagan, when applied to Rome, really possesses the significance charged with horror which the early Christian controversialists gave it. The Romans really were an atheistic and idolatrous people; not idolatrous with regard to images made of stone or bronze, but idolatrous with regard to themselves. It is this idolatry of self which they have bequeathed to us in the form of patriotism.
** [[Simone Weil]], ''[[w:The Need for Roots|The Need for Roots]]''.

* &quot;Every national border in Europe,&quot; El Eswad added ironically, &quot;marks the place where two gangs of bandits got too exhausted to kill each other anymore and signed a treaty. Patriotism is the delusion that one of these gangs of bandits is better than all the others.&quot;
** [[Robert Anton Wilson]], ''The Earth Will Shake: The History of the Early Illuminati'' (The Historical Illuminatus Chronicles Vol. 1) (1982).

*'''[[Liberty]] has never come from the government. Liberty has always come from the subjects of the government. The history of liberty is a history of resistance. The history of liberty is a history of the limitation of governmental [[power]], not the increase of it.'''
** [[Woodrow Wilson]], Speech at New York Press Club (9 September 1912), in The papers of Woodrow Wilson, 25:124.

*Patriotism is the vice of nations.
**[[Oscar Wilde]], Phrases and Philosophies for the Use of the Young (1894).

*Patriotism is love and defense of one's own country, ordinarily considered a high virtue. The national flag is a sacred symbol; hearts quicken at the sound of martial bands. Celebrated in language, music, and the visual arts, patriotism leads us to some of our greatest acts of heroism. It gives us national holidays and justifies the purest kind of sacrifice. Patriotism can look fine and glamorous—at least in the abstract. Stripped of its ape essence, patriotism is male defense of the community, gloried among humans and surely enjoyed among [[chimpanzees]] and [[w:Bonobo|bonobos]]. For all the [[w:Cultural determinism|cultural determinists]]' efforts to persuade us that it's an arbitrary choice, patriotism seems such a fundamental aspect of being human that one can hardly imagine how things might be different.
**[[w:Richard Wrangham|Richard Wrangham]] and [[w:Dale Peterson|Dale Peterson]], ''[[w:Demonic Males|Demonic Males: Apes and the Origins of Human Violence]]'' (1996), p. 231

==Y==
*What is patriotism but love of the good things we ate in our childhood?
**[[Lin Yutang]], ''The Importance of Living'' (1937) Ch. IV : On Having A Stomach

==Z==
*'''If patriotism were defined, not as blind obedience to government, nor as submissive worship to flags and anthems, but rather as love of one's country, one's fellow citizens (all over the world), as loyalty to the principles of justice and democracy, then patriotism would require us to disobey our government, when it violated those principles.'''
** [[Howard Zinn]], ''Declarations of Independence: Cross-Examining American Ideology'' (1991).

==''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations''==
:&lt;small&gt;Quotes reported in ''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations'' (1922), p. 584-87.&lt;/small&gt;

* The die was now cast; I had passed the Rubicon. Swim or sink, live or die, survive or perish with my country was my unalterable determination.
** [[John Adams]], ''Works'', Volume IV, p. 8. In a conversation with Jonathan Sewell (1774). (Peele in Edward I [1584?] used the phrase &quot;Live or die, sink or swim.&quot;).

* Our ships were British oak,&lt;br&gt;And hearts of oak our men.
** [[S. J. Arnold]], ''Death of Nelson''.

* From distant climes, o'er wide-spread seas we come,&lt;br&gt;Though not with much éclat or beat of drum;&lt;br&gt;True patriots all; for be it understood&lt;br&gt;We left our country for our country's good.&lt;br&gt;No private views disgraced our generous zeal,&lt;br&gt;What urged our travels was our country's weal.
** [[George Barrington]], prologue for the Opening of the Playhouse at Sydney, New South Wales, Jan. 16, 1796. Dr. Young's Revenge was played by convicts.

* Be Briton still to Britain true,&lt;br&gt;  Among oursel's united;&lt;br&gt;For never but by British hands&lt;br&gt;  Maun British wrangs be righted.
** [[Robert Burns]], ''Dumfries Volunteers''.

* Again to the battle, Achaians!&lt;br&gt;Our hearts bid the tyrants defiance!&lt;br&gt;Our land, the first garden of liberty's tree—&lt;br&gt;It has been, and shall yet be, the land of the free.
** [[Thomas Campbell]], ''Song of the Greeks''.

* God save our gracious king,&lt;br&gt;Long live our noble king,&lt;br&gt;  God save the king.
** [[Henry Carey]], ''God Save the King''.

* I realize that patriotism is not enough. I must have no hatred toward any one.
** [[Edith Cavell]]. Quoted by the Newspapers as her last words before she was shot to death by the Germans in Brussels, Oct. 12, 1915.

* &quot;My country, right or wrong,&quot; is a thing that no patriot would think of saying except in a desperate case. It is like saying, &quot;My mother, drunk or sober.&quot;
** [[G. K. Chesterton]], ''The Defendant''.

* We join ourselves to no party that does not carry the flag and I keep step to the music of the Union.
** [[Rufus Choate]], Letter to a Worcester Whig Convention. Oct. 1, 1855.

* ''Patria est communis omnium parens.''
** Our country is the common parent of all.
** [[Cicero]], Orationes in Catilinam. I. 7.

* I have heard something said about allegiance to the South: I know no South, no North, no East, no West, to which I owe any allegiance.
** [[Henry Clay]], in the U.S. Senate. (1848).

* I hope to find my country in the right: however I will stand by her, right or wrong.
** [[John J. Crittenden]], in Congress, when President Polk sent a message after the defeat of the Mexican General Arista by General Taylor. May, 1846.

* Our country! In her intercourse with foreign nations, may she always be in the right; but our country, right or wrong.
** [[Stephen Decatur]], toast given at Norfolk, April, 1816. See Mackenzie's Life of Stephen Decatur, Chapter XIV.

* I wish I was in de land ob cotton,&lt;br&gt;Ole times dar am not forgotten,&lt;br&gt;  Look-a-way! Look-a-way! Look-a-way, Dixie Land!&lt;br&gt;    *    *    *    *    *&lt;br&gt;Den I wish I was in Dixie, Hooray! Hooray!&lt;br&gt;  In Dixie Land I'll take my stand&lt;br&gt;To lib and die in Dixie.
** [[Daniel D. Emmett]], ''Dixie Land''. See account in Century, Aug., 1887. A Southern version was written by Albert Pike.

* 'Twas for the good of my country that I should be abroad. Anything for the good of one's country—I'm a Roman for that.
** [[George Farquhar]], ''The Beaux' Stratagem'', Act III, scene 2, line 89.

* ''Liberté, égalité, fraternité.''
** Liberty, equality, fraternity.
** Watchword of French Revolution.

* And bold and hard adventures t' undertake,&lt;br&gt;Leaving his country for his country's sake.
** [[Charles Fitzgeffrey]], ''Life and Death of Sir Francis Drake'' (1600), Stanza 213.

* Our country is the world—our countrymen are all mankind.
** [[William Lloyd Garrison]], ''Motto of the Liberator'', 1837–1839. &quot;My country&quot; originally—later changed to &quot;Our country&quot;.

* Such is the patriot's boast, where'er we roam,&lt;br&gt;His first best country ever is at home.
** [[Oliver Goldsmith]], ''The Traveler'', line 73.

* Strike—for your altars and your fires;&lt;br&gt;Strike—for the green graves of your sires;&lt;br&gt;    God—and your native land!
** [[Fitz-Greene Halleck]], ''Marco Bozzaris''.

* And have they fixed the where, and when?&lt;br&gt; And shall Trelawny die?&lt;br&gt;Here's thirty thousand Cornish men&lt;br&gt; Will know the reason why!
** [[Robert Stephen Hawker]], ''Song of the Western Men''. Mr. Hawker asserts that he wrote the ballad in 1825, all save the chorus and the last two lines, which since the imprisonment by James II, 1688, of the seven Bishops, have been popular throughout Cornwall. (Trelawny was Bishop of Bristol.) First appearance in the Royal Devonport Telegram and Plymouth Chronicle, Sept. 2, 1826. Story of the ballad in Macaulay's History of England. Footnote for Hawker.

* He serves his party best who serves the country best.
** [[Rutherford B. Hayes]], Inaugural Address (March 5, 1877).

* I am not a Virginian but an American.
** [[Patrick Henry]], in the Continental Congress (Sept. 5, 1774).

* One flag, one land, one heart, one hand,&lt;br&gt;One Nation evermore!
** [[Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.]], ''Voyage of the Good Ship Union'', ''Poems of the Class of '29''.

* He serves me most who serves his country best.
** [[Homer]], ''The Iliad'', Book X, line 206. Pope's translation.

* And for our country 'tis a bliss to die.
** [[Homer]], ''The Iliad'', Book XV, line 583. Pope's translation.

* That man is little to be envied, whose patriotism would not gain force upon the plain of Marathon, or whose piety would not grow warmer among the ruins of Iona.
** [[Samuel Johnson]], ''A Journey to the Western Islands'', ''Inch Kenneth''.

* ''Pater patriæ.''
** Father of his country.
** [[Juvenal]], ''Satire VIII'', 244. Title bestowed on Cicero (B.C. 64) after his consulship, &quot;a mark of distinction which none ever gained before.&quot; Plutarch—Life of Cicero. Pliny, Book VII, calls Cicero &quot;Parens patriæ.&quot; Title conferred on Peter the Great by the Russian Senate. (1721). See Post-Boy, Dec. 28–30, 1721. Also applied to Augustus Cæsar and Marius.

* ''Je meurs content, je meurs pour la liberté de mon pays.''
** I die content, I die for the liberty of my country.
** Attributed to Le Pelletier, also to Marshal Lannes.

* The mystic chords of memory, stretching from every battlefield and patriot grave to every living heart and hearthstone all over this broad land, will yet swell the chorus of the Union, when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.
** [[Abraham Lincoln]], ''Inaugural Address'' (March 4, 1861).

* Is it an offence, is it a mistake, is it a crime to take a hopeful view of the prospects of your own country? Why should it be? Why should patriotism and pessimism be identical? Hope is the mainspring of patriotism.
** [[D. Lloyd George]], in the House of Commons (Oct. 30, 1919).

* And how can man die better&lt;br&gt;  Than facing fearful odds,&lt;br&gt;For the ashes of his fathers&lt;br&gt;  And the temples of his gods?
** [[Thomas Babington Macaulay, 1st Baron Macaulay]], ''Horatius keeps the Bridge''.

* 'Twere sweet to sink in death for Truth and Freedom!&lt;br&gt;Yes, who would hesitate, for who could bear&lt;br&gt;The living degradation we may know&lt;br&gt;If we do dread death for a sacred cause?
** [[Terence McSwiney]], lines written when a boy. In the ''Nation'' (Nov. 3, 1920).

* Our spirit is … to show ourselves eager to work for, and if need be, to die for the Irish Republic. Facing our enemy we must declare an attitude simply…. We ask for no mercy and we will make no compromise.
** [[Terence McSwiney]], Lord Mayor of Cork. From a document in his possession when he was sentenced, in August, 1920.

* ''Vox diversa sonat: populorum est vox tamen una,&lt;br&gt;Cum verus PATRIÆ diceris esse PATER.''
** There are many different voices and languages; but there is but one voice of the peoples when you are declared to be the true &quot;Father of your country.&quot;
** [[Martial]], ''De Spectaculis'', III. 11.

* We, that would be known&lt;br&gt;The father of our people, in our study&lt;br&gt;And vigilance for their safety, must, not change&lt;br&gt;Their ploughshares into swords, and force them from&lt;br&gt;The secure shade of their own vines, to be&lt;br&gt;Scorched with the flames of war.
** [[Philip Massinger]], ''The Maid of Honour'', Act I. 1.

* ''Nescio qua natale solum dulcedine captos&lt;br&gt;Ducit, et immemores non sinit esse sui.''
** Our native land charms us with inexpressible sweetness, and never allows us to forget that we belong to it.
** [[Ovid]], ''Epistolæ Ex Ponto'', I. 3. 35.

* ''Omne solum forti patria est.''
** The whole earth is the brave man's country.
** [[Ovid]], ''Fasti'', I. 501.

* ''Patria est, ubicunque est bene.''
** Our country is wherever we are well off.
** [[Pacuvius]], quoted by [[Cicero]], ''Tusculan''. Disputations. V. 37. Aristophanes. Plautus. [[Euripides]], Fragmenta Incerta. Phipiskus—Dion Cassius. I. 171.

* My country is the world, and my religion is to do good.
** [[Thomas Paine]], ''Rights of Man'', Chapter V.

* They know no country, own no lord,&lt;br&gt;Their home the camp, their law the sword.
** Free rendering of passage in Silvio Pellico's ''Enfernio de Messina'', Act V, scene 2.

* Millions for defence, but not one cent for tribute.
** Attributed to [[Charles C. Pinckney]] when Ambassador to the French Republic (1796). Denied by him. Said to have been &quot;Not a penny—not a sixpence.&quot; Attributed also to Robert Goodloe Harper, of South Carolina. &quot;I have ten thousand for defense, but none to surrender; if you want our weapons, come and get them.&quot; The response of an ancient General.

* If I were an American, as I am on Englishman, while a foreign troop was landed in my country I never would lay down my arms, never! never! never!
** [[William Pitt]] (Earl of Chatham), speech (Nov. 18, 1777).

* Socrates said he was not an Athenian or a Greek, but a citizen of the world.
** [[Plutarch]], ''On Banishment''.

* ''Patria est ubicumque vir fortis sedem elegerit.''
** A brave man's country is wherever he chooses his abode.
** [[Quintus Curtius Rufus]], ''De Rebus Gestis Alexandri Magni'', VI, 4, 13.

*&quot;'''patriotism''',&quot; i.e., a willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons.
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''Sceptical Essays'' (1928) Ch. 13: Freedom in Society.

*Patriots always talk of dying for their country, and never of killing for their country.
** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''Has Man a Future?'' (1962), p. 78.

* Our country, right or wrong! When right, to be kept right; when wrong, to be put right!
** [[Carl Schurz]], speech in U.S. Senate (1872).

* The truth is plain to see - if you want freedom, take pride in your country; if you want democracy, hold onto your sovereignty, and if you want peace, love your nation. Wise leaders always put the good of their own people and their own country first. The future does not belong to globalists. The future belongs to patriots. The future belongs to sovereign and independent nations who protect their citizens, respect their neighbors, and honor the differences that make each country special and unique.
** [[Donald Trump]], [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefings-statements/remarks-president-trump-74th-session-united-nations-general-assembly/ Address at the 74th Session of the UN General Assembly]

* America is governed by Americans. We reject the ideology of globalism and we embrace the doctrine of patriotism.
** [[Donald Trump]], [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefings-statements/remarks-president-trump-74th-session-united-nations-general-assembly/ Address at the 74th Session of the UN General Assembly]

* Where's the coward that would not dare&lt;br&gt;To fight for such a land?
** [[Walter Scott]], ''Marmion'' (1808), Canto IV, Stanza 30.

* ''Servare cives, major est virtus patriæ patri.''
** To preserve the life of citizens, is the greatest virtue in the father of his country.
** [[Seneca the Younger]], ''Octavia'', 444.

* Had I a dozen sons,—each in my love alike,  *  *  *  I had rather have eleven die nobly for their country, than one voluptuously surfeit out of action.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Coriolanus]]'' (c. 1607-08), Act I, scene 3, line 24.

* I do love&lt;br&gt;My country's good with a respect more tender,&lt;br&gt;More holy and profound, than mine own life.
** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Coriolanus]]'' (c. 1607-08), Act III, scene 3, line 111.

* Where liberty is, there is my country.
** [[Algernon Sidney]]'s motto.

* He held it safer to be of the religion of the King or Queen that were in being, for he knew that he came raw into the world, and accounted it no point of wisdom to be broiled out of it.
** [[John Taylor]], ''The Old, Old, Very Old Man''. (Parr).

* A saviour of the silver-coasted isle.
** [[Alfred Tennyson]], ''Ode on Death of Duke of Wellington'', Part VI.

* Put none but Americans on guard tonight.
** Attributed to [[George Washington]]. The only basis for this order seems to be found in Washington's circular letter to regimental commanders, dated April 30, 1777, regarding recruits for his body guard. &quot;You will therefore send me none but natives.&quot; A few months before, Thomas Hickey, a deserter from the British army, had tried to poison Washington, had been convicted and hanged.

* Hands across the sea,&lt;br&gt; Feet on English ground,&lt;br&gt;The old blood is bold blood, the wide world round.
** [[Byron Webber]], ''Hands Across the Sea''.

* Let our object be, our country, our whole country, and nothing but our country.
** [[Daniel Webster]], address at the Laying of the Corner-Stone of the Bunker Hill Monument (June 17, 1825).

* Thank God, I—I also—am an American!
** [[Daniel Webster]], ''Completion of Bunker Hill Monument'' (June 17, 1843).

* Sink or swim, live or die, survive or perish, I give my hand and heart to this vote.
** [[Daniel Webster]], ''Eulogy on Adams and Jefferson''.

* I was born an American; I live an American; I shall die an American!
** [[Daniel Webster]], speech (July 17, 1850).

* Patriotism has become a mere national self assertion, a sentimentality of flag-cheering with no constructive duties.
** [[H. G. Wells]], ''Future in America''.

* The lines of red are lines of blood, nobly and unselfishly shed by men who loved the liberty of their fellowmen more than they loved their own lives and fortunes. God forbid that we should have to use the blood of America to freshen the color of the flag. But if it should ever be necessary, that flag will be colored once more, and in being colored will be glorified and purified.
** [[Woodrow Wilson]], Flag Day Speech (May 7, 1915).

* Our country—whether bounded by the St. John's and the Sabine, or however otherwise bounded or described, and be the measurements more or less;—still our country, to be cherished in all our hearts, and to be defended by all our hands.
** [[Robert C. Winthrop]], toast at Faneuil Hall (July 4, 1845). &quot;Our country, however bounded.&quot; Toast founded on the speech of Winthrop.

* There are no points of the compass on the chart of true patriotism.
** [[Robert C. Winthrop]], letter to Boston Commercial Club (12 June 1879).

* Our land is the dearer for our sacrifices. The blood of our martyrs sanctifies and enriches it. Their spirit passes into thousands of hearts. How costly is the progress of the race. It is only by the giving of life that we can have life.
** Rev. [[E. J. Young]], ''Lesson of the Hour'', in ''Magazine of History'', Extra. No. 43. Originally pub. in Monthly Religious Mag., Boston (May, 1865).

* America is the crucible of God. It is the melting pot where all the races are fusing and reforming … these are the fires of God you've come to…. Into the crucible with you all. God is making the American.
** [[Israel Zangwill]], ''The Melting Pot''

==''Respectfully Quoted: A Dictionary of Quotations'' (1989)==
* We would rather starve than sell our national honor.
** [[Indira Gandhi]], prime minister of India, remark at election meeting in Nagpur, India, as reported by The New York Times, January 23, 1967, p. 1. India had accepted trade restrictions with North Vietnam and Cuba to get grain from the United States. Prime Minister Gandhi said this did not compromise the country's honor because India had not been trading with North Vietnam, and her trade with Cuba was limited to the selling of jute products, which was not objected to by the United States.

* With earnest prayers to all my friends to cherish mutual good will, to promote harmony and conciliation, and above all things to let the love of our country soar above all minor passions, I tender you the assurance of my affectionate esteem and respect.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], letter to John Hollins (May 5, 1811); in Andrew A. Lipscomb, ed., ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'', vol. 13 (1903), p. 58–59.

* Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
** [[Samuel Johnson]], James Boswell, Life of Johnson, entry for Friday, April 7, 1775, p. 615 (1970). &quot;In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last resort of a scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer, I beg to submit that it is the first&quot;. Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, at entry for patriotism, The Collected Writings of Ambrose Bierce, p. 323 (1946, reprinted 1973). H. L. Mencken added this to Johnson's dictum: &quot;But there is something even worse: it is the first, last, and middle range of fools&quot;. The World, New York City, November 7, 1926, p. 3E

* True patriotism sometimes requires of men to act exactly contrary, at one period, to that which it does at another, and the motive which impels them—the desire to do right—is precisely the same.
** [[Robert E. Lee]], letter to General P. G. T. Beauregard, October 3, 1865. John William Jones, Life and Letters of Robert Edward Lee, Soldier and Man, p. 390 (1906).

* Intellectually I know America is no better than any other country; emotionally I know she is better than every other country.
** [[Sinclair Lewis]], radio interview in Berlin, Germany, December 29, 1930, as reported by The New York Times, December 30, 1930, p. 5.

* Whenever you hear a man speak of his love for his country it is a sign that he expects to be paid for it.
** [[H. L. Mencken]], A Mencken Chrestomathy, chapter 30, p. 616 (1949).

* Breathes there the man, with soul so dead,&lt;br&gt;Who never to himself hath said,&lt;br&gt;This is my own, my native land!&lt;br&gt;Whose heart hath ne'er within him burn'd,&lt;br&gt;As home his footsteps he hath turn'd,&lt;br&gt;From wandering on a foreign strand!
** Sir [[Walter Scott]], The Lay of the Last Minstrel, ed. Margaret A. Allen, canto sixth, 1, lines 1–6, p. 123 (1915).

* I venture to suggest that what we mean is a sense of national responsibility which will enable America to remain master of her power—to walk with it in serenity and wisdom, with self-respect and the respect of all mankind; a patriotism that puts country ahead of self; a patriotism which is not short, frenzied outbursts of emotion, but the tranquil and steady dedication of a lifetime. These are words that are easy to utter, but this is a mighty assignment. For it is often easier to fight for principles than to live up to them.
** [[Adlai Stevenson]], Governor of Illinois, speech to the American Legion convention, New York City, August 27, 1952. Speeches of Adlai Stevenson, p. 81 (1952).

== See also ==
* [[Nation]]
* [[Nationalism]]
* [[Statolatry]]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{wiktionary|patriotism}}

[[Category:Nationalism]]</text>
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    <title>Hell's Kitchen/Season 5</title>
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      <comment>/* Episode Ten [5.10] */</comment>
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----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 1|1]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 2|2]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 3|3]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 4|4]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 5|5]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 6|6]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 7|7]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 8|8]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 9|9]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 10|10]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 11|11]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 12|12]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 13|13]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 14|14]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 15|15]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 16|16]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 17|17]] | '''[[Hell's Kitchen|Main]]'''
----
&lt;br&gt;
'''''[[w:Hell's Kitchen (U.S.)|Hell's Kitchen]]''''' is an American cooking reality show based on [[w:Hell's Kitchen (UK)|the British program of the same title]], where Chef [[w:Gordon Ramsay|Gordon Ramsay]] puts aspiring chefs through different challenges and dinner services to decide who is the best.

=== Episode One [5.01] ===

:'''Gordon''': And the name of the dish is what?
:'''Danny''': Mahi Gone Bananas, chef.
:'''Gordon''': ''[tastes the dish]'' It looks like ''you've'' gone slightly bananas. It's hideous. Back in line. 
:'''Danny''': (interview) Ramsay's definitely just looking for a rise out of me, which he's going to eventually get.
:'''Gordon''': So the idea came from where?
:'''Danny''': I just pulled it out of my ass, sir.
:'''Gordon''': Put it back in there because it sucks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Who's cooked the diapers?
:'''Colleen''': No diapers, sir. That's chicken enchiladas with poblano cream sauce. My name's Colleen.
:'''Gordon''': Corinne.
:'''Colleen''': Colleen.
:'''Gordon''': Corinne.
:'''Colleen''': COL-leen.
:'''Gordon''': What do you do for a living?
:'''Colleen''': I am a culinary instructor and I own a recreational cooking school.
:'''Gordon''': And were you a trained chef before you set up a school?
:'''Colleen''': No, I am not a trained chef.
:'''Gordon''': So you're not a trained chef, yet you teach chefs to cook.
:'''Colleen''': That's correct.
:'''Gordon''': How much do you charge?
:'''Colleen''': 300 per three to four hours.
:'''Gordon''': Right. Look at the size of it.
:'''Colleen''': I feed big Nebraska boys. Would you like me to get you a bite?
:'''Gordon''': No, I'll bite it myself. ''[tries dish, spits it out]''
:'''Colleen''': Okay.
:'''Gordon''': You seriously charge $300 to teach people how to make that crap?
:'''Colleen''': Y–Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I feel like I need some plastic wrap on my arse.
:'''Colleen''': (interview) It was extremely difficult to just stand there and to keep my mouth shut! (to Gordon) I teach manners, too, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Say that again?
:'''Narrator''': Cooking instructor Colleen not only offered Chef Ramsay a dish he didn't care for, but an etiquette lesson as well.
:'''Gordon''': Okay, please, Miss Manners, fuck off back in line.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': It looks like lamb chops on a bed of ratatouille.
:'''Seth''': Uh, that's mine, chef. (interview) To be like Chef Ramsay is my dream. I've read his books, I've visited his restaurant in Manhattan. I think we have very similar styles.
:'''Gordon''': How long have you been cooking?
:'''Seth''': Fifteen years around.
:'''Gordon''': And what is it?
:'''Seth''': Cinnamon crusted rack of lamb with a(n) aubergine ratatouille.
:'''Gordon''': The ratatouille, what's in there?
:'''Seth''': Tomatoes, onion, tomato sauce, tomato paste.
:'''Gordon''': ''[spits out food]'' How come the aubergine's so sweet?
:'''Seth''': There's some honey, uh...
:'''Gordon''': Honey in a ratatouille? Uh, is that normal?
:'''Crowd''': No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': That's the worst dish I've ever tasted. ''[Seth laughs]'' Fifteen years to cook that shit and you're laughing. You could make history on being the fastest exit in Hell's Kitchen. And I'm fucking serious, you know that. Back in line. ''[Seth goes back in line]'' The quicker you understand how serious I am, the quicker you'll cook better.
:'''Seth''': I'll try harder next time, sir. (interview) I thought it looked all right. I think my presentation was good. I know it's a good dish. I got to prove to him that I can cook my ass off.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Lacey and Coi are arguing during prep. Gordon approaches Coi]''
:'''Gordon''': What's the matter?
:'''Coi''': This station is fucked... up.
:'''Lacey''': Come on, Coi.
:'''Coi''': (to Lacey) Don't say a fucking thing. (to Gordon) I come over here, there's nothing fucking done, chef. Nothing!
:'''Lacey''': (to Coi) Now why don't you tell him that you're threatening me.
:'''Gordon''': (to Coi and Lacey) Oh, wait. Right. I'm just about to open the doors, okay? Don't panic. I'm not asking you to be lovebirds, okay?
:'''Coi''': Absolutely.
:'''Gordon''': Calm down, get a grip and show me some form of composure, yes?
:'''Coi''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, my God!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': On order six covers, table 20. Two spaghetti, two scallops, one risotto, one Caesar. Entrées, three wellington, get them in!
:'''Robert''': ''[shouting over Gordon]'' Ben you guys, get going!
:'''Ben''': I'm coming! I'm coming!
:'''Gordon''': Hey you. Hey fuck-wit, Come here you. Come here! I'm calling out an order and you just shout over.
:'''Robert''': Sorry, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You fucking call out the order then. You fuck, FUCKING call out the order!
:'''Robert''': I need one Caesar, two scallops, one risotto and two spaghetti now! (interview) Yeah, give me the reins man! Let me drive this bitch!
:'''Gordon''': You fucking interrupt me again next time, you're going for an early bath.
:'''Robert''': Yes.
:'''Gordon''': A big one in the hot tub!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Gordon checks on scallops brought up by Danny]''
:'''Gordon''': Danny? Come here, that's you. Overcooked scallops, let's go. It's not exactly rocket science.
:'''Danny''': Well obviously, chef. ''[angrily slams his pan; [Gordon gives him a dirty look]''
:'''Gordon''': (to Danny) Hey you, come here you.
:'''Danny''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Okay, can you cook like a team member?
:'''Danny''': I'll wash their station and my station, chef.
:'''Gordon''': How about communicating with them?
:'''Danny''': I did, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Don't fucking dare start getting fucking pissed with me. Is that clear?
:'''Danny''': Chef, yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Good. NOW JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!!
:''[power supply shuts down]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Gordon looks for spaghetti in the Red kitchen]''
:'''Gordon''': Where's the other spaghetti? ''[notices Colleen starting a fresh spaghetti in a dirty pan]'' Madam, come here. ''[gets Colleen's pan]'' You're starting a fresh one in dirty pan!
:'''Colleen''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Oh!
:'''Colleen''': (interview) The pan that I've already used and I didn't have the chance to wipe it. I felt like an idiot.
:'''Gordon''': You teach people how to cook! ''[slams the pan down on her station]''
:'''Colleen''': We have no more pans, chef.
:'''Gordon''': ''[gets some pans from Andrea's station]'' Look! Pan, pan, pan!
:'''Colleen''': Thank you, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You're going to start a fresh spaghetti in a dirty pan! Holy crap!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': Seth is hoping to score high marks with his first entrée.
:'''Gordon''': Why's it all fucking mangled?
:'''Scott''': He didn't have it ready, and then he sliced it and seared all the chops.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, Forrest! Come here you.
:'''Seth''': (interview) Ramsay, he keeps calling me &quot;Forrest&quot; as in [[w:Forrest Gump|Forrest Gump]]. I think it's a great name!
:'''Gordon''': You didn't cook it properly temperature wise, so you decided to buckle it and bastardise it. Now you're really having a laugh, yeah?
:'''Ben''': (interview) Man, this poor lamb chop just got charred. No excuse for that first lamb.
:'''Gordon''': Would you get excited to come here and eat that shit?
:'''Seth''': Absolutely not.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, fuck off, will you?
:'''Seth''': (interview) Listen, I screwed up the lamb, but at the end of the service, Gordon and I will be like peas and carrots once again!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': It's two and a half hours into the dinner service, and while Colleen has finally mastered the spaghetti, she still has a lot to learn about risotto.
:'''Gordon''': Look! ''[returns to workstation and tastes the risotto]'' Hey!
:'''Colleen''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Taste!
:'''Colleen''': Yes, chef.
:''[Gordon spits out the risotto in disgust]''
:'''Gordon''': That's the risotto! That, quite frankly, is the worst risotto I've ever tasted in my entire cooking career. Why's it so sweet? Who put sugar in there?
:'''Colleen''': ''[holds up a pot of sugar]'' I grabbed this. I thought it was salt.
:'''LA''': (interview) Are you fucking kidding me?
:'''Gordon''': That... ''[throws the risotto in the trash]'' is shit! Oh, my God!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Mashed potatoes?
:'''Wil''': ''[brings his garnishes to the pass]'' Fuck!
:'''Gordon''': What are you doing, Wil?
:'''Wil''': Sorry, chef. I don't know if this is very hot. (to his team mates) You got a cold sizzle?
:'''Gordon''': Dear, oh dear! Wil!
:'''Wil''': Yes, chef?
:'''Gordon''': You're shit!
:'''Wil''': Yes, chef. I am.
:'''Gordon''': You are so shit, it's unbelievable!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Are you on the garnish now, Robert?
:'''Robert''': I just want to help him out [Wil], chef.
:'''Gordon''': Charlie's on the garnish, Robert's on the garnish, yeah? And Wil is on planet cuckoo.
:'''Charlie''': (interview) Wil got thrown to the dogs on the garnish station. By the time I got around to help him, it was ugly.
:'''Gordon''': Wil, there's not one cook in the kitchen that hasn't been with you on the garnish tonight!
:'''Wil''': (interview) Being on the receiving end of Chef Ramsay's wrath...yeah, that sorta sucked. 
:'''Gordon''': Dear, oh dear, oh dear.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Garnish, please! (to Wil) What in the fuck are you two doing?
:'''Carol''': ''[interview; sees the customers leaving the kitchen]'' Oh no! When the customers got up and starting to walk out, I'm shocked.
:'''Gordon''': Let's go, 22!
:'''Waiter''': 22 just left.
:'''Gordon''': Twenty-two. 22 just left.
:'''Giovanni''': My table got up and left.
:'''Gordon''': ''[to Robert; tosses the plates to him]'' Hey! Hey, you! Hey, catch! THEY JUST LEFT! THEY JUST FUCKING LEFT!
:'''Giovanni''': The rest of tables got walked out.
:'''Lady''': Alright. Out of Hell's Kitchen.
:'''Gordon''': Switch it off! NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!! ''[goes to the red kitchen]'' Come here, all of you! ''[calls the blue team]'' Come here, all of you! Yeah, take a look at there! Pathetic, absolute embarrassment, utter crap! Clear down! CLEAR DOWN!!

=== Episode Two [5.02] ===

:'''Gordon''': The scallops are cooked, aren't they?
:'''Colleen''': Yes.
:'''Gordon''': Why are they still in the pan if they're cooked? They're going to be overcooked, you stupid cow! Oh, my God! Who cooked the scallops last service? Who was that?
:'''Lacey''': I did, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Come here, you! Come here! Show her how to cook a fucking scallop. Hey, by the way, she's not charging $300. Hey, this is free now. Free lesson! Stand back!
:'''Carol''': (interview) Colleen runs a cooking school, but she has no experience on the line and it clearly shows.
:'''Gordon''': (to Lacey) Teach madam [Colleen] here how to cook a fucking scallop!
:'''Lacey''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Shit!! Unbelievable!
:'''Lacey''': (interview) I almost felt honored in a weird way. (to Colleen) It's okay. It's alright.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': (to Ji) Is your ankle hurting?
:'''Ji''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, so's my fuckin' head. It's throbbin'.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Lacey brings Colleen's scallops to the pass]''
:'''Gordon''': Thank you, Lacey.
:'''Lacey''': You're welcome, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Colleen!! Do you see a difference? Pink in the middle, coloured both sides, yes?
:'''Colleen''': Yes, I do, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, did she charge you?
:'''Colleen''': (brief pause) No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, thank fuck for that. Let's go. God bless Nebraska.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Narrator''': Seth and Charlie have delivered their lobster spaghetti to the pass.
:''[Gordon checks the spaghetti; finds out that there's no lobster in it]''
:'''Gordon''': There's no fucking lobster in there.
:'''Scott''': Doesn't look like it, no.
:'''Narrator''': But, it's missing one key ingredient.
:'''Gordon''': ''[returns to the workstation and pushes a pan aside]'' Hey, fuck-wit! Come here you! Come here!
:'''Charlie''': What's this?
:'''Gordon''': There's no fucking lobster in it!
:'''Charlie''': Shit!!
:'''Gordon''': How can you give it to me with no lobster in there?!
:'''Charlie''': We're stupid, chef. Apologies.
:'''Gordon''': Wake up, Charlie!!
:'''Charlie''': Yes, chef! Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': And you [Seth], docile fucking idiot! What's the dish called?
:'''Seth''': Uhm... Uhm...
:'''Gordon''': Spaghetti of lobster!!
:'''Seth''': (interview) I feel like I just got hit by a train!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Gordon checks on salmon brought up by Colleen]''
:'''Gordon:''' Oh, my God! ''[returns to the workstation]'' Come here you. Hey, Coi, come here! Carol, Lacey, come here! (to Colleen) Away now, two Wellington, yes, one salmon and one John Dory. Where's the John Dory?
:'''Colleen:''' (brief pause) I don't have the John Dory.
:'''Gordon:''' You don't have it. Hey, look, come here. Hey, there you go, look at that. ''[holds up the salmon]'' Look, look, hold on, hey, don't run away. '''IT'S BLACK!''' On top of that, there's an added bonus. It's fucking raw in the middle.
:'''Colleen:''' Yes, chef.
:''[Gordon angrily throws the salmon away and kicks the bin]''
:'''Gordon:''' Fucking useless, fucking shit. You're not a cookery school teacher, are you? You're joking, aren't you?
:'''Colleen:''' No, I'm not joking, chef. I am a--
:'''Gordon:''' Tell me, tell me you're pomping yourself up to make yourself look good. You don't really have a cooking school?
:'''Colleen:''' No, chef, I own a cooking school. I have a business just like you do.
:'''Gordon:''' Your fucking business is not like my business. Hey, madam, let's get that fucking right.
:'''Colleen:''' You're right.
:'''Gordon:''' You're robbing people! You're a thief!! I'm concerned for the poor bastards that you've taken money off of!! ''[sees another piece of salmon burning]'' Hey, madam, lift that lid off, it looks black.
:'''Colleen:''' It IS black!
:'''Gordon''': Oh, 'GOD!!!'
:'''Colleen''': Both of them!
:'''Gordon:''' '''SHIT!''' [Gordon and Coi look physically shocked] '''SHIT! IT'S BLACK!'''
:'''Colleen:''' Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon:''' OH, MY GOD!!
:'''Carol:''' These are burning.
:'''Colleen:''' I know.
:'''Gordon:''' Hey, madam, madam! '''GET OUT!!''' Get on the raw bar. Lacey! LACEY! Get on the fish!
:'''Lacey:''' Yes, chef!
:'''Colleen:''' (interview) Chef Ramsay's definitely not going to break me. He can ask me to leave, he can kick me out of the kitchen, he can do all those things, but he's not going to break me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Gordon checks on salmon brought up by Giovanni]''
:'''Gordon''': Giovanni! ''[returns to the workstation]''
:'''Giovanni''': Yes, chef?
:'''Gordon''': Hey, all of you come here! ''[points to Danny]'' He's cooking his ass off, surrounded by five muppets, yeah? The temperature's perfect, and I get that bit of shit there, look. I got given that! Would you eat that? ''[throws the salmon to Seth]'' Go on, eat it, eat it. (to Seth) Would you eat that?
:'''Seth''': No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': (to Giovanni) Would you eat that?
:'''Giovanni''': No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': ''[comes up to Giovanni]'' Hey, you can be pissed off. You got every fucking right to be pissed off. You know that, yes?
:'''Giovanni''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Fucking '''RAW'''!!
:'''Giovanni''': (interview) I've never had a chef come that close to me in my life. He can yell at me from across the kitchen, he doesn't have to get 2 inches away from my face.

=== Episode Three [5.03] ===
''[during the meat labelling challenge, with both teams both having five correct labels so far]''
:'''Seth''': (interview) Meat is one of my fortes. I definitely had six, seven out of eight without even looking.
:'''Ben''': Ring the bell, ring the bell. Go for it!
:''[Seth lightly taps the bell]''
:'''Gordon''': I can't hear that!
:'''Ben''': Ring the fucking bell!
:''[Seth hits the bell harder]''
:'''Gordon''': Seven wrong for blue, let's go.
:'''Charlie''': Holy shit! We're working backwards!
:'''J''': (interview) SETH, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!
:'''Narrator''': Seth's poor performance has set the men back. Now Lacey has a golden opportunity to redeem herself with her team.
:'''Carol''': Come on, Lacey!
:'''Lacey''': (interview) It's my chance to show my team that I can step up, and that I deserve to be here.
:'''Colleen''': Come on! We can do this!
:'''LA''': Move it, Lacey!
:'''Andrea''': (interview) Lacey was just moving things around for the feeling that she was doing something, and you know what, that's no different to how she is in the kitchen.
:''[Robert rings the men's bell]''
:'''Gordon''': Six wrong.
:'''Narrator''': Robert has only improved on Seth by one.
:'''Carol''': (to Lacey) Come on, let's go! Come on, come on, come on, come on!
:''[Lacey rings the bell]''
:'''Gordon''': Okay... (sees that Lacey has placed the &quot;bottom round&quot; label near one of the model cow's front legs) BOTTOM ROUND?! WHAT DOES &quot;BOTTOM&quot; MEAN? One, two, three, four, five, six wrong! Dear oh dear!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Why aren't the shrimp on? Get them on! Come on, Charlie.
:'''Charlie''': Sorry, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Unbelievable. A Caesar salad and we're in the shit! ''[spots that Charlie's cooking cloth has caught fire]'' Your cloth's on fire! YOUR CLOTH'S ON FIRE!
:'''J''': (interview) Charlie, wake the fuck up, man.
:'''Gordon''': Get it in the water please, Scott, before he burns the place down.
:'''Charlie''': I'm doing my best, chef.
:'''Scott''': (throws the cloth in the sink) If that's your best, you might want to rethink your best a little bit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Narrator''': It's thirty minutes into dinner service, and Ben is trying to impress Chef Ramsay with his speed. 
:'''Ben''': ''[bringing some chocolate brownie desserts to the pass]'' Coming down with desserts. Coming down with desserts... 
:'''Narrator''': Unfortunately, having dessert ready before the appetizers is not exactly what Chef Ramsay had in mind. 
:'''Gordon''':  Dick-head, put them down. ''[calls entire team]'' Hey, all of you, come here. Ben's now bringing me a chocolate fucking brownie. ''[tosses one dessert on the counter]'' WHAT'S GOING ON?! 
:'''Seth''': (interview) I didn't know what was going on, but he brought up dessert four minutes in. I mean, I've done some stupid shit, but that's embarrassing. 
:'''Gordon''': So, let's do it this way, then. There you go. ''[puts the desserts on the pass]'' Ben wants to serve a chocolate brownie before we serve the appetisers. 
:'''Ben''': No, chef. 
:'''Gordon''': What are you ''dreaming'' on?! Are you ''stupid''?! 
:'''Ben''': No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You've got cheesecake made as well! 
:'''Ben''': Yes, chef. 
:'''Gordon''': We've trashed six desserts before we've sent out fucking appetisers! 
:'''Ben''': It was my fault, chef. (interview) It was my mistake for not exactly knowing Chef Ramsay's terminologies, but fuck me if the words &quot;pick&quot; and &quot;up&quot; don't mean &quot;give you the desserts!&quot; 
:'''Gordon''': Have you been drinking or sniffing? 
:'''Ben''': No, chef. No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Look at me: Go upstairs for a lie-down. 
:'''Ben''': No, no, chef! 
:'''Gordon''': Go upstairs for a lie-down! ''[leads Ben out of the kitchen, then walks away]'' Useless. Absolutely useless. ''[a couple of seconds pass, then Ben quickly returns into the kitchen]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Lacey returns a Caesar salad to the pass]''
:'''Gordon''': What's the matter?
:'''Lacey''': She just didn't know if there were anchovies on it.
:'''Gordon''': You got what you asked for.
:'''Lacey''': I know, chef.
:'''Gordon''': So what did you fuck up? I know you find this is, yeah I know you laugh and it's funny.
:'''Lacey''': I'm not laughing! I'm trying not to cry.
:'''Gordon''': You're fucking worse than [[:w:Britney Spears|Britney Spears]], you jumped-up bitch!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[Carol returns to the pass with filet mignon]''
:'''Carol''': They say they want to brighten it up a little bit, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Giovanni, Robert come here! Robert, bounce your way down here. Let's go. ''[portions the beef]'' (pounds the counter) Touch it! Touch it!
:'''Giovanni and Robert''': It's cold.
:'''Gordon''': '''FUCKING SHIT!!''' ''[throws the beef away]'' It's still walking, that fucking piece of beef!
:'''Danny''': (interview) It pisses me off. We have the executive chef of a steakhouse running our grill. Wake up, get it together and put out some decent food.
:'''Gordon''': Giovanni!
:'''Giovanni''': Yes, chef?
:'''Gordon''': Thank fuck I've never been to your steakhouse! It's fucking blue!
:'''Giovanni''': Yes, chef!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Narrator''': With just 30 minutes left, Jean Phillippe is looking for Lacey.
:'''Jean Phillippe''': Table 23. The Table you forgot.
:'''Lacey''': I have to go up there and tell them to fire it?
:'''Jean Phillippe''': Who el...Who else is going to do it?
:'''Lacey''': Jean Phillipe I never waited table before!!!
:'''Jean Phillippe''': (Gobbles) Can you just go and ask the chef to fire It (Trying to do Lacey Voice), (Gobbles)
:'''Lacey''': I need the main course for 23 fired. Thanks Chef.
:'''Gordon''': Hey Madam (Lacey), We just taking the order in now??? Why did it take so long???
:'''Jean Phillippe''': She forgot the Table.
:'''Gordon''': (Shakes Head and angrily swats Lacey away)
:'''Lacey''': Yeah, &quot;Fuck off with me!&quot; I know.
:'''Gordon''': (To the Blue Team) Lacey forgot the ORDER!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[after Seth's attempt at butchering the filet mignon, Ramsay has discovered a huge amount of wasted meat]''
:'''Gordon''': Hey, all of you, here! Quickly! There's the filet, yes? Look at the fucking waste! ''[empties the waste onto the counter; the amount of waste is nearly as big as the remaining filet. Seth looks confused, while the other team members look horrified]'' That's what he took off, and there's the filet. LOOK AT THE FILET!
:'''Giovanni''': (interview) He molested that poor thing! People have gone to jail for worse, but it looked like he went at it with a jackhammer.
:'''Gordon''': ''[hurls the offcuts to Seth]'' We've fucking WASTED the most expensive part! LOOK AT IT! What are you going to do, get daddy to buy you a new one?
:'''Narrator''': With only fifteen minutes of dinner service left, Seth has butchered the filet. And possibly the Blue Team's hope of winning dinner service.
:'''Gordon''': How can you do that?
:'''Seth''': I never butchered a filet before chef.
:'''Gordon''': Congratulations, you just have.
:'''Seth''': ''[smiles]'' Thanks, yes... 
:'''Gordon''': Hey, hey smartass - not in the right way, you fucking bozo!
:'''Seth''': (interview) I don't think I did that bad, butchering that filet, but now I'll know for next time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[two minutes remain of the Blue team's half of the service]''
:'''Gordon''': Where's the New York strip?!
:'''Giovanni''': Chef, I'm four minutes away!
:'''Gordon''': Oh, my God. SWITCH IT OFF!! We're now over two hours, he (Giovanni) fucks the filet! (to Charlie) The shrimps go down! (to Ben Walanka) This dick sent me dessert before the appetisers! ''[throws his apron]'' Fuck off! (to Jean-Philippe) Jean-Philippe, shut it down, yes? Two hours over. Clear down!!!
:'''Robert''': (interview; tonight was originally planned to have been his wedding) I've embarrassed myself, my family, my girlfriend. ''[throws his buff off angrily]''
:''[Customers are leaving Hell's Kitchen]''
:'''Ben Walanka''': Here we go. Here comes the pain.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Where's the four Caesar salad, two shrimp?
:'''Colleen''': Coming chef. These were two, one and one.
:'''Gordon''': Where's the fucking four I asked for?
:'''Coi''': Four Caesar salad, two shrimp!
:'''Gordon''': (to Colleen) Hey!
:'''Colleen''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You're doing this on purpose.
:'''Colleen''': No I'm not, I swear. You said two. One and one.
:'''Gordon''': Look at me! Look at me! Four fucking salads.
:'''Colleen''': (interview) There's always the person in your life that's being grumpy and you know not being nice. Then there is one that Chef Ramsay whose the arrogant vicious attack dog.  
:'''Gordon''': (to Colleen) Hey, Madam, you're fucking pathetic!
:'''Colleen''': Yes, chef.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Four salad, three shrimp, one plain! (Colleen) Oh no, come here! What's going?
:'''Colleen''': Four Caesar salad, three shrimp, one plain!
:'''Gordon''': One more!
:'''Colleen''': Four Caesar salad chef, three shrimp, one plain!
:'''Gordon''': One more!
:'''Colleen''': Four Caesar salad chef, three shrimp, one plain!
:'''Gordon''': And last time!
:'''Colleen''': Four Caesar salad chef, three...
:'''Gordon''': (visibly shocked) Oh, m - OHH, GOD!
:'''Colleen''': ... SHRIMP, ONE PLAIN!
:'''Gordon''': Oh you fucking - hoo, shit! She's not normal... she can not be normal...
:'''Lacey''': (interview) My God! Colleen, if we lose tonight and I go home, I swear to God, I hope you can't sleep at night because you deserve to go home more than I.

=== Episode Four [5.04] ===
:'''Colleen''': How could we lose with cheerleaders on our side? Yeah! V, V-I, V-C-I-T-O-R-Y! (a caption reading &quot;Vcitory???&quot; appears)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[The Blue Team have lost the challenge and Ben believes that Danny was responsible for it even though it fell on Seth]''
:'''Ben''': Imma tell you one thing. I don't like fucking losing and Danny, I was over there helping you then I jumped over to eggs.
:'''Danny''': You should've been on eggs the whole time.
:'''Ben''': You were the one drowning on the pancakes buddy, that is correct.
:'''Danny''': Look you gave me a hand walking up pancakes and thank you for that.
:'''Ben''': Wait a minute Danny, ''[J laughs]'' come on man are you serious right now?
:'''Danny''': What? You-you helped me plate some pancakes and I appreciate it, thank you, I-I'm not a-
:'''Ben''': It's cool.
:'''Danny''': I'm not a hero here, I never said I was.
:'''J''': You said that earlier, you said you were the best cook.
''[Flashbacks to Gordon asking who the Blue Team's best cook is with Danny calling himself the Blue Team's best cook]''
:'''Danny''': I am obviously the best cook on the team.
:'''Ben''': You want to hear something dude, I will put circles around you! I will circle you like a fucking moon!
:'''Danny''': Where have you been?
:'''Giovanni''': Hey, hey come on! Danny, come on! Hey, Ben!
:'''Ben''': ''[over Giovanni]'' Are you joking me? You couldn't cook my cock!
''[The women walk past as Danny and Ben's argument starts escalating]''
:'''Giovanni''': Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
:'''Ben''': Are you joking me? I AM SO FUCKING-
:'''Danny''': Where have you been!? 
:'''Giovanni''': ''[stands between Danny and Ben]'' Be quiet! Quiet! Quiet!
:'''Ben''': We'll see you on garnish.
:'''Danny''': Shut the fuck up.
:'''Ben''': I mean- you know what, I need two minutes, I need two minutes bro.
:'''Danny''': Take your two minutes Bro because I haven't seen you kitchen yet.
:'''Giovanni''': HEY! 
:'''Danny''': Where have you been!?
:'''Ben''': ''[heads down to the patio]'' (interview) Danny's ego is getting the better of him and he needs to come back down on this planet.
:'''Danny''': YOU'VE GOTTEN A COMPLIMENT YET BEN!!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon''': On order: Four covers, Table 4. Two risotto, one spaghetti, one Caesar. 
:'''Blue Team''': Yes, Chef! 
:'''Danny''': (to Giovanni) Is it [the water] boiling? 
:'''Gordon''': How long? 
:'''Giovanni''': I'm waiting for the water to boil, Chef. 
:'''Gordon''': You expect me to tell Jean-Philippe we're waiting for your water to boil?! 
:'''Giovanni''': Oh, I'm sorry. 
:'''Ben''': (interview) Oh, man, Gio. How do you expect to cook pasta in water that's not boiling? 
:'''Gordon''': Hey, look at me! There's no olive oil in there, the water's not seasoned, it's not even ''boiling''! 
:'''Giovanni''': (interview) Oh, that was my fault. I didn't check my equipment. It won't happen again, that's for sure. 
:'''Gordon''': Let's go, Giovanni, let's go! Oh, my God...
:'''Narrator''': While Giovanni is in hot water, over in the Red kitchen, Coi is trying to get ahead.
:''[Gordon notices Coi cooking pasta]''
:'''Gordon''': (to Coi) Why are you cooking spaghetti? We haven't even fired it! DAMN!!
:'''Coi''': Fuck!
:'''Gordon''': Why?!
:'''Coi''': I'm sorry, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I can't believe this!! Why can't you just drop it to order?!
:'''Coi''': I will, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Tell me why you can't!!
:'''Coi''': I'm just trying to get ahead, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You can't get ahead! You're not that good!
:'''Coi''': (interview) I was trying to take so many steps ahead, so I'm kicking myself in the ass so, if I would have listened better, he wouldn't be screaming at me.
:'''Gordon''': Coi? Put some more spaghetti in to make yourself...
:'''Coi''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, I'm joking you stupid cow!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Jean-Philippe returns to the pass with Caesar salad]''
:'''Gordon''': What's going on on there?
:'''Jean-Philippe''': That's from, uhm, table 20 blue.
:''[Gordon checks the salad, then finds a butt of lettuce in it]''
:'''Gordon''': Hey, ALL OF YOU! COME HERE! Who dressed the Caesar salad?
:'''J''': I did chef. ''[Gordon shows the butt of lettuce to the members]'' (whispering) Jesus Christ!
:''[Gordon returns the butt of lettuce to the plate and violently throws the plate onto the floor]''
:'''Gordon''': Oi, bozo! Are you fucking stupid?!
:'''J''': No, chef, I'm not. (interview) J feels like a jackass because of that freaking lettuce. I should have seen it, it's a disgrace. It really is.
:'''Gordon''': Did you see that?
:'''J''': I did not, Chef. If I saw it, I would never put it in there.
:'''Giovanni''': (interview) Pretty hard to believe that butt of lettuce went out there. It's pretty hard to miss that big lettuce when you try to toss it in a small salad.
:'''Gordon''': Un-fucking-believable.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Gordon checks on lamb brought up by Ben Walanka]''
:'''Gordon''': Come here! All of you, come here! Put it down! (to Ben) Put it fucking down! What is that?
:'''Ben Walanka''': Lamb chop, sir.
:'''Gordon''': Lamb chop, yeah? Eat it. (gives the lamb to Ben and he eats it) Happy now? Now it's getting thinner and thinner and thinner. Look, there's another one that's ripped to fuck there now. Too thin, cowboy! 
:'''Robert''': (interview) I'm like. &quot;Oh, why are sending that out?&quot; It looked like a piece of carppacio on a bone, man.
:'''Gordon''': (to Ben) How can someone so fucking fat slice something so fucking thin?!
:'''Ben Walanka''': Sorry, chef. It won't happen again, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I wouldn't even serve that to my fucking dog!
:'''Ben Walanka''': I'll fix it right now, chef.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
;''[Colleen brings her wellingtons to the pass]''
:'''Gordon''': Hey, stay here you. Three Wellingtons, you brought me four. One medium, one medium-well, one well done. Where's the medium one? 
:'''Colleen''': The medium one's here, Chef. 
:'''Gordon''': Where's the medium-well? 
:'''Colleen''': The medium-well's here, Chef. 
:'''Gordon''': Where's the well done one, then? 
:'''Colleen''': It's right here, Chef. 
:'''Gordon''': So what the fuck is this one?
:'''Colleen''': I don't know. 
:'''Gordon''': You don't know. That's funny, isn't it? A little &quot;Ha-ha,&quot; &quot;Tee-hee,&quot; and &quot;God Bless Nebraska?&quot; 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon:''' On order, four covers, table three. One scallops, one spaghetti, one risotto, one caesar...
:'''Seth:''' (to Giovanni) Bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon!
:'''Gordon''': Entrées: One Dory, one chicken, one lamb, one wellington.
:'''Giovanni''': It's coming.
:'''Seth:''' Right here.
:'''Gordon:''' Seth! SETH!
:'''Seth''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Come here! What did I just call out?
:'''Seth:''' ''[wiping his face with a cloth]'' I... I don't know, chef.
:'''Gordon:''' Yeah, I know you don't know because you weren't even fucking prepared to listen. No wonder you're struggling.
:''[Seth uses the same cloth he just wiped his face with to clean a pan, then wipes his face with it again]''
:'''Gordon:''' What is he doing? Hey you, hey you, come here... ''[takes the cloth from Seth, and looks at him in disgust]''
:'''Seth:''' Sorry, chef.
:'''Gordon:''' I just watched you wipe your face and then wipe the pan. If this one's for your fucking nose, where's your cooking cloth?
:'''Seth:''' Uh, I'll get one, chef.
:'''Gordon:''' ''[throws the cloth back to Seth]'' Fuck off will you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[after Jean-Philippe returned to the pass with more food, Gordon has had it]''
:'''Gordon''': (disappointed) What is going on? Oh no! Oh! ''[cuts to Coi accidentally dropped her spaghetti on her station]'' Fuck off - oh, no! Shit! Look at that! You, guy! (Robert) Come here, you fat fuck! Come here! All of you, come here! COME HERE! Hey, hey, look at me. You are pathetic. NO-ONE'S won! Fuck off, both teams, start thinking about two of you to fucking go home! (to Coi) You, pathetic! I don't want anymore! (to Ben) I don't want to wait for your shit anymore, (to Danny) I don't want your shit anymore, (to Seth) I don't want you drying your face, and then fucking cooking with a cloth, '''YOU SCUMMY FUCKER! GET OUT!!''' ''[all chefs exited the kitchen except Ben; he approaches him]'' GET OUT!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Something's really bugging me, you know that? And I can't stop thinking about it and here's why. If a customer goes out for dinner and their steak is overcooked or undercooked, it gets redone. And they move on and enjoy the evening. But if a customer goes out for dinner and they get served a butt of lettuce, that's how reputations get destroyed in minutes, ''[to J]'' butt-head! 

=== Episode Five [5.05] ===

''[Gordon asks for wellingtons in the Red kitchen]''
:'''Gordon''': Where's the wellington, please?
:'''Andrea''': Chef, I'm re-firing the wellington. The bottom's burning.
:'''Gordon''': ''[begins searching]'' Where's the medium-well wellington?
:'''Andrea''': I'm putting projector paper.
:'''Gordon''': ''[finds that Andrea has hid her burnt meat underneath her station]'' Oh, shut up you, yeah? Shut up. What is this? ''[starts getting the meat]''
:'''Andrea''': They burned. I'm not quite sure why.
:'''Gordon''': Watch. There you go, look. (to the members) Hey, come here! Oy, oy, oy! There you go. There you go. There--Oh, dear! ''[throws a burnt wellington against the refrigerator]'' Fucking pile of shit!!
:'''Andrea''': (interview) I'm screwed. I'm fucking screwed.
:'''Gordon''': Anything else you hid? What else did you hid?!
:'''Andrea''': No, chef. That's it, chef.
:'''Gordon''': That's it? Is it?! WHY'D YOU DO IT?!
:'''Andrea''': Trying to get it together, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I just don't-- I just don't understand it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Jean-Philippe returns to the pass with dessert]''
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Red, [Table] 53. Tanya Steel.
:'''Gordon''': Not done? (returns to the workstation) There you go. Now I've had enough. ''[slams the plate on the stove]'' Come here! There you go. (to Carol; gives her a piece of pear) Take a bite and pass it along. (to LA) LA, wake up, yeah?
:'''Coi''': It's hard as a fucking rock.
:'''Gordon''': Raw pastry, raw pear. That's her! ''[kicks a bin]''
:'''Andrea''': (interview) Chef Ramsay wasn't kidding when he said it was raw. It was raw. That's just, &quot;Sorry. Poor judgement.&quot;
:'''Gordon''': (to Colleen) You didn't know that's raw pastry with a raw pear?
:'''Colleen''': No, chef.
:'''Andrea''': (interview) Everybody else was just looking around like, &quot;You've got to be kidding me.&quot;
:'''Gordon''': Un-fucking-believable! ''[goes to the blue kitchen and sits in fetal position]''
:'''Narrator:''' Tonight, dinner service has totally collapsed.
:'''Gordon:''' Oh, Christ almighty! Two and a half hours of bullshit.
:'''Narrator''': And Chef Ramsay is at the end of his rope.
:'''Gordon''': (to Jean-Philippe; after returning to the pass with raw desserts) Oh fuck off! I'm... I've had enough! ''[goes to the red kitchen]'' Hey, when I say, I've had enough! I've had enough! Stoves off! ''[calls both teams]'' Come here! That was pathetic! And you were absolutely useless! CLEAR DOWN! I can't take it anymore! It's been the worst performance so far! '''SWITCH IT FUCKING OFF!!!''' ''[throws his spoon away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon:''' There was no place in the kitchen I could put Colleen where she wasn't a disaster. It's time for her to go back to where she belongs, teaching. Because she certainly can't cook.

=== Episode Six [5.06] ===

:'''Narrator''': As the Blue Team heads to the spa for a day of pampering... 
:'''J''': ''Off to the spa we go...'' 
:'''Narrator''': ...Back in the dining room, Max's mom lets J.P. know that he'll be working with someone to plan the party. 
:'''Brenda''': This gentleman is very recommended. 
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Yes. 
:'''Brenda''': So, um... 
:'''Francisco''': ''Bonjour'', darling! 
:'''Brenda''': Oh, here he is now. 
:'''Narrator''': ...Someone he knows all too well. 
:'''Francisco''': Oh, it's so good to see you! ''[hugs J.P.]'' I'm so happy to be here. Are you thrilled to see me? 
:'''Brenda''': Alright, well, see you tomorrow. 
:'''Francisco''': Thank you. 
:'''Jean-Philippe''': (to Francisco) Listen, you. You are not interfering with my job. 
:'''Francisco''': I respect your boundaries. 
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Alright, I'll do my thing, and then you do your little thing. 
:'''Francisco''': &quot;My little thing.&quot; Oh, it will be so happy.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Good. 
:'''Francisco''': Oh, here they [the Red Team] come. 
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Ladies, ladies, ladies, we've done a few parties in the past with Francisco. 
:'''Francisco''': I'm so excited to be here, this is so ''fabulous''! ''[the ladies laugh]'' Wait until you see what we're doing. We are going to go up, up, and away with beautiful balloons, all around. It's going to be so festive! 
:'''Coi''': (interview) Oh, Francisco's just fabulous, all the way around.
:'''Francisco''': We have twinkly centerpieces on all of the tables... 
:'''Andrea''': (laughing) Twinkly! 
:'''Coi''': (interview) It's the way he talks, it's the way he dresses, everything. He's fabulous. 
:'''Francisco''': We are going to make this the most beautiful ''sports arena''! 
:'''LA''': (interview) I'm gay, that dude is '''parade''' gay.

=== Episode Seven [5.07] ===

:'''Giovanni''': How long for the risotto and pasta?
:'''Paula''': Plating up the pasta right now.
:'''Andrea''': How's your risotto?
:'''Carol''': I'm going. I'm going.
:'''Gordon''': Where's the risotto?
:'''Carol''': Right here chef.
:'''Gordon''': Carol!
:'''Carol''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': ''[tastes the risotto then spits it out]'' Taste that rice, taste the rice. It's like mush! Show me the rice.
:'''Carol''': Right here.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, my God! It's overcooked! It's like mush! Who cooked the rice?
:''[flashback to when J cooked the rice for both teams, pouring two boxes into one pan]''
:'''Andrea''': The blue team.
:'''Gordon''': The blue team? What? ''[goes over to the blue kitchen]'' Oh, come here you, all of you! Who cooked this rice?
:'''J''': I did, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Look at it, J! How can you do that, J? ''[hurls the rice in the trash]'' ''J!'' For both teams?
:'''J''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Aw, fucking hell! Oh, come on! You can't do this!
:'''Lacey''': (interview) The risotto was mushy, clumpy and nasty, and it definitely was not a good way to start the evening.
:'''Gordon''': It's mush! Did you cook it all in the same pan?
:'''J''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, fuck me! Oh, come on, fuck off J!
:'''J''': I'll get a pot on, chef. (interview) That pissed off Chef Ramsay, and I really didn't need that, because he's been riding me hard the past couple of days.
:'''Gordon''': (to Jean-Philippe) Jean-Philippe, stop the risotto, yeah? (to J) J! I can't believe you just screwed the service in both kitchens!
:'''Robert''': (interview) J, you're my friend and I like you a lot, but today, you fucking suck, man.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Jean-Philippe returns to the pass with pasta]''
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Pasta undercooked, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Is it?
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Yeah, it's really undercooked, chef.
:'''Gordon''': (to Carol) Hey, you, madam. The pasta's raw! Who's running the appetisers?
:'''Carol''': I am, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Well, then run it, then! Does she [Andrea] wipe your arse?
:'''Carol''': No, chef. (interview) I get fucking yelled at because this stupid bitch can't fucking cook?! What the hell is up with that?! (to Ramsay) There's must be some mix-in because it's...
:'''Gordon''': What?! Why aren't you tasting?
:'''Carol''': I was tasting it chef.
:'''Gordon''': So you tasted it and you knew it's raw, yet you still sent it!
:'''Carol''': (interview) That stupid bitch doesn't fucking say anything when Chef Ramsay's yelling at me, '''FUCK THIS SHIT!'''
:'''Gordon''': Madam, come here you mouthy little bitch! You [Andrea] come here!
:'''Andrea''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': (to Jean-Philippe) Hey, give me that table out there! (to Carol and Andrea) And sit on that table and eat that! Both of you, fuck off out there! It's not undercooked, it's raw! RAW, Carol! ''[gets ticket from Jean-Philippe]''
:'''Andrea''': (to Carol) Let's eat it. Yeah, let's get this fucking over with.
:'''Gordon''': (to Carol and Andrea) Hey, you're not coming back to this clear until you let me know how it tastes!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Narrator''': While Carol and Andrea chew on their mistakes, in the blue kitchen, J is hoping to redeem himself.
:'''Gordon''': (with a piece of undercooked salmon) J! Come on, then! Look, it's still stone-cold. Back in the oven! Fucking hell...
:'''Ben''': J, I know you're busy, buddy, but how long on the salmon, my man?
:'''J''': Five minutes.
:'''Robert''': Give me the tuna!
:'''Ben''': He said four minutes out. Can you make it four?
:'''Gordon''': Everything you've touched tonight, so far, has been screwed.
:'''Robert''': (interview) J just lost his shit, man. He was just clamming up, didn't take control. He was burning the seafood, he was sending raw seafood.
:'''Gordon''': That's called burnt salmon, not seared salmon!
:'''Robert''': (interview) It takes a real good chef to recover. (to J) You can really turn this around if you want to.
:'''J''': I know.
:'''Robert''': Wipe your face, wipe your face. ''[J wipes his face with his sleeve]'' With a rag!
:'''Gordon''': J, where's the salmon?
:'''J''': Coming around. Right here, chef.
:'''Gordon''': ''[finds out that the salmon is overdone]'' Hey, bozo, SAUCE!! Come here, you. Put that down, come here, you. Come here, you! Get in there! GET IN!
''[leads J into the pantry and slams the door]''
:'''J''': Fuck!
:'''Gordon''': WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!
:'''J''': I'm here, chef.
:'''Gordon''': It's not good enough, J!
:'''J''': I know, chef. I got no fucking excuse.
:'''Gordon''': What's the matter with you?!
:'''J''': I don't know. I'll fucking turn it on right now, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I can't fucking go any further! Please, wake up!
:'''J''': Yes, chef!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon''': I've got sauce on one, and two Dory on. LA?
:''[LA is standing still and staring into space]''
:'''Paula''': (interview) It's almost like LA was half-asleep or something.
:'''Gordon''': Come on, LA!
:'''Gloria''': Come on! LA, wake up! Are you sleeping?!
:'''LA''': No, I'm...
:'''Gordon''': She's dreaming. Come on, ''(voice cracks)'' more sauce, you silly cow!
:'''LA''': (interview) He called me a cow. For the first time.
:'''Gordon''': Don't cook all the fucking Dory in one pan unless you're boiling them, yes?
:'''LA''': Yes, chef. (interview) In the real world, you wouldn't have someone yelling at you like that. You wouldn't have someone calling you a cow, a bitch. You wouldn't. 'Cos if someone in the real world called you a cow or a bitch, you would walk up to them and sock them in the head.
:'''Gordon''': How long for the beef, please?
:'''LA''': 30 seconds chef.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Narrator''': As LA tries to get up to speed, over in the blue kitchen...
:'''Gordon''': J! Where's the other scallop?
:'''J''': Right here, chef.
:''[J brings the scallops to the pass; they're badly overcooked]''
:'''Gordon''': Have you seen this shit?
:'''Scott''': Disastrous, isn't it?
:'''Gordon''': I have had enough. ''[calls the blue team]'' Come here, you! Leave it, PUT THAT DOWN! You, come here! You come here!
:'''Ben''': Yes, chef.
[the team members gather around the pass]
:'''Gordon''': What is that? What IS that? What is that? That's us at our best, WHAT IS IT?! Wait, it gets better! Look, touch that!
:'''Ben''': It's rubber, chef.
:Gordon: T-Oh, my GOD! Unbelievable-- ''[J goes to touch one of the scallops, and Ramsay knocks his hand away]'' No, no no no no! NO! GET OUT! '''OUT, OUT, OUT!''' GET OUT! '''OUT, GET OUT!''' Take your jacket off, and fuck off!!
:'''J''':  (interview) I guess I don't belong here, so... I'll be going home. I'm here for a reason, and it's my boy and my wife, so of course I'm disappointed. It was a tough day. (in the dorms) Oh...that's fucked up bro. (interview) My dream when I came to Hell's Kitchen was to win. So, uh, now it's time to move on and get my own restaurants going. You know, I don't need Chef Ramsay's opinion anymore, I've got it. ''[entering the taxicab]'' Tomorrow's another day! Let's do it. (interview) It's time for J Maxwell to do his own thing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Where are the Wellingtons?
:'''Ben Walanka''': Five and a half minutes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I'm watching you like a fucking hawk.
:'''Ben Walanka''': I know you are, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You know why? Do you know why?
:'''Ben Walanka''': I don't-I don't know, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I want you out. You're not cutting it. You're dreaming.
:'''Ben Walanka''': (interview) It hurts. It hurts when someone goes at you like that.
:'''Gordon''': Stop! Stop, stop, stop! Put that down. ''[finds that Ben has put fresh Wellingtons in a tray filled with burnt bits of pastry]'' Oh, my god! Look! Look!
:'''Danny''': (interview) Ben was struggling, just getting beat up by chef. Ben's just like J, in dinner service he just falls apart.
:'''Gordon''': Come here, you! Get in there, get in! ''[Gordon leads Ben into the pantry]'' What's your fucking game?
:'''Ben Walanka''': No game, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Tell me something straight. What are you doing?
:'''Ben Walanka''': Chef, I'm doing everything I can...
:'''Gordon''': Why are you putting them on a dirty tray?
:'''Ben Walanka''': Chef, only because I was doing Wellington on them before, and I could not find any more...
:'''Gordon''': And that's good enough for you?
:'''Ben Walanka''': No, it's not, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Is it fucked?
:'''Ben Walanka''': It's not. I don't want to do it in a...
:'''Gordon''': YOU DIRTY PIG!
:'''Ben Walanka''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': CLEAN THE FUCKING TRAY!!
:'''Ben Walanka''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': One more, and you're fucking history. GET IN!
:'''Ben Walanka''': (interview) Today, it took everything I had not to go up in my little coccoon. I just had to push forward.
:'''Gordon''': DIRTY PIG!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Robert''': (to Lacey) I swear to God if you win this I will hang up my coat and become a crack whore!

=== Episode Eight [5.08] ===

:''[Lacey's meat pan catches fire; Gordon approaches her station]''
:'''Gordon''': Leave it! Fucking hell, what is that?!
:'''Lacey''': Wha-I...
:'''Gordon''': What is that, I said! Look at it! It's on fire!
:'''Danny''': Is this your well-done?
:'''Lacey''': (tearfully) I don't know.
:'''Ben''': (interview) She was lost. ''[in mockery of Lacey]'' &quot;I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON HERE, HUHU!!&quot;
:'''Gordon''': What's the matter with you?!
:'''Lacey''': I CAN'T COOK MEAT, CHEF!
:'''Gordon''': What do you mean you can't cook meat?!
:'''Lacey''': Obviously I'm weak and confused...
:'''Gordon''': Hey madam, madam! Get out! GET OUT!!
:'''Robert''': (interview) Can't handle the heat, get out the kit-CHEN!!
:'''Gordon''': ''[follows Lacey to the pantry]'' &quot;I can't cook meat?!&quot;
:'''Lacey''': I–I'm sorry. I just got really confused.
:'''Gordon''': If you got confused, why didn't you say something?!
:'''Lacey''': I did and then Robert put the chicken and the chicken went on fire and...!
:'''Gordon''': Why can't you just make the effort?
:'''Lacey''': I'm trying to make an effort.
:'''Gordon''': Do you want to come back in there and make an effort?
:'''Lacey''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Well, wake up and get a grip!! Come on! ''[leads Lacey out of the pantry]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Robert:''' C'mon, guys! Let's fucking do it!
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, move!
:''[Robert bends over and a ripping sound is heard. As Ben and Lacey look on in shock, we see that Robert has split open the seat of his trousers. He carries on, unconcerned.]''
:'''Robert:''' Come on guys, keep pushing! (interview) All I heard was &quot;RRRRRIIIP!&quot;
:'''Scott:''' (to Gordon) Robert's ass is hanging out all over the place.
:'''Robert:''' (interview) &quot;Ooh, I feel a little breeze on the back of my ass!&quot; I'll cook in my boxer shorts, I don't give a shit.
:'''Gordon:''' Damn!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Gordon checks on meat brought up by Lacey; finds that the lamb was badly carved]''
:'''Gordon''': Oh, my God!
:'''Lacey''': Hmm... Fuck me!
:'''Gordon''': Come here, all of you! What is that? Fucking bone's thicker than the meat! WHAT IS THAT?!
:'''Lacey''': I DON'T KNOW CHEF!
:'''Gordon''': ''[throws the lamb in the bin]'' It's not good enough! GET OUT! YOU'RE not good enough!! Piss off!! ''[follows Lacey into the pantry]'' Madam, look at me. Let's be honest, you're done. You can't waste my time any longer!
:'''Lacey:''' I agree.
:'''Gordon:''' Give me your jacket, and leave Hell's Kitchen. And go in there, and say goodbye. Properly, say it properly! Let's go.
:'''Lacey:''' ''[to the blue team]'' Thank you for everything!
:''[Danny quickly waves to Lacey and then resumes cooking; Ben and Robert ignore her altogether]''
:'''Robert:''' (interview) There's a small violin, just for Lacey. ''[blows a raspberry]'' She sucks. Adios, biatch.
:'''Gordon:''' Piss off! Let's go! Step up a gear.
:'''Lacey:''' (interview) On one hand, it's a relief. I can get back to my normal life. ''[packing her suitcase]'' Now I can get some sleep at night. (interview) But you know, another part of me wishes to stay and learn more and have that chance to win but unfortunately I fucked up tonight and I can only look back on the positive things which there weren't many for me. You know, my mom told me when I came here, &quot;Don't make enemies.&quot; and that's the first thing I did and kept doing the whole time I was here. Sorry mom, I should've listened.

=== Episode Nine [5.09] ===

''[Gordon checks on sauce brought up by Ben]''
:'''Gordon''': Oh Ben!
:'''Ben''': Chef!?
:'''Gordon''': ''[returns the sauce to the workstation]'' Right, all three of you [Ben, Danny &amp; Robert] come here. Here we go. ''[with spoons]'' Taste time! Quick, quick, dig in there, yes? Dig in. Make sure you take a nice big mouthful. Big mouthful. Mmmmmm. ''[spits out the sauce as does Robert]''
:'''Robert''': (interview) I spit it right out, it was disgusting.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, salty soup! You're just reheating it!
:'''Ben''': Yes.
:'''Gordon''': So how can you fuck it?!
:'''Ben''': It was bland before I over reduced it, it's my fault, I should've tasted it chef.
:'''Gordon''': You're clumsy! You salted it!
:'''Ben''': Yes chef.
:'''Gordon''': You over seasoned it!
:'''Ben''': Yes I did, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You didn't over reduce it!
:'''Ben''': (interview) I'm a soldier, that's why I say yes chef.
 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': One beef salad. Entrées: one bass, one New York steak.
:''[a woman comes up to the hotplate to reorder food]''
:'''Lady''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Yes, madam?
:'''Lady''': Totally flat. No flavor on the carpaccio. This the second time I've had to reorder.
:'''Gordon''': Okay, thank you. (to the blue team) Hey, get the veal along please, yes? Let's go.
:'''Lady''': Chef! ''[whistles to Gordon]''
:'''Gordon''': (to the woman) Right! Don't whistle at me, I'm not your fucking dog, yeah? You look more like a dog than I do. Fuck off, will you?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
''[Gordon checks on potatoes brought up by Carol]'' 
:'''Gordon''': Oh dear. Excuse me! Oh, dear! Let's go, come down! Hurry up! Taste them. There, there you go, there's a nice big slice for you. Aw, fuck it!
:'''Carol''': Hard and raw chef.
:'''Gordon''': Fucking hell! ''[throws the potatoes away]'' Why are the potatoes crunchy? Who cooked them then?
:'''Carol''': I did chef. If they go in the oven when the order comes in, they should be fully cooked. (interview) I don't know why they didn't cook. I never cooked potatoes that long before I sliced that thin.
:'''Gordon''': (To Jean-Philippe) Hey, come in here you! Have I got news for you, yeah? Tell him then, tell him! HE'S GOING TO GO AND EXPLAIN TO THE CUSTOMER!!
:'''Jean-Philippe''': What's happening?
:'''Carol''': The potatoes are undercooked. If they go in when the order comes in, they should be fine.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': What's undercooked?
:'''Gordon''': Say that again?!
:'''Carol''': If she [Andrea] fires it when the order comes in, when it's ready to go -
:'''Gordon''': Au-gratin dauphinois need to be cooked before service!
:'''Carol''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Now you're blaming her.
:'''Carol''': I'm not blaming her chef.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, Andrea, she's trying to sabotage. She can't even tur -
:'''Carol''': I'm not.
:'''Gordon''': What?
:'''Carol''': I'm not sabotaging.
:'''Andrea''': (interview) I was embarrassed for Carol. She's pointing out other people's mistakes. Point me out! I dare you!
:'''Gordon''': Here's the next question, how long then til they cook?
:'''Carol''': Maybe ten minutes.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, look how cool she is! She said &quot;maybe ten minutes&quot;!
:'''Carol''': (interview) They should've been done. Why didn't they cook?
:'''Gordon''': (to the customers) Maybe ten minutes everybody, for your Au-gratin dauphinois!! (to Carol) Look at them, the poor souls! Are you stupid?!
:'''Carol''': No, chef. I'm not.
:'''Gordon''': Bullshit! ''[throws his towel away]''
:'''Andrea''': (interview) Those potatoes! I was embarrassed for Carol.
:'''Gordon''': Why didn't they cook to begin with?
:'''Carol''': Chef, yes, I cooked them in the cream for an hour.
:'''Gordon''': WHAT?!
:'''Carol''': Yes.
:'''Gordon''': You cooked them in the cream for an hour?
:'''Carol''': In boiling cream for an hour.
:'''Gordon''': Crunchy gratin dauphinois. Useless.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
''[Carol pours more cream over her potatoes]''
:'''Gordon''': What is that on there?
:'''Carol''': I just poured more cream on it and I'm going to put it back in.
:'''Gordon''': My God! Oh, Jesus Christ! ''[gets the potatoes dumps them in the bin]'' Are you mad?
:'''Carol''': No, chef.
:'''Andrea''': (interview) There were no saving those potatoes. None whatsoever. They just looked like shit. They looked like fucking shit! It was awful.
:'''Gordon''': I wouldn't even serve that to a fucking pig farm, madam. Forget it. ''[throws the tray into the sink]'' You don't care do you? Because if you did care, you wouldn't serve me that crap! This is supposed to be your exciting menu! Really?
:'''Carol''': (interview) I feel completely awful. This is such a great dish and I fucking ruined it!

=== Episode Ten [5.10] ===

:'''Gordon''': On order, six covers table 20. Entrées: Two wellington, two chicken, one lamb, one Dory. Wellington's medium, yes?
:'''Final 6''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': (to Andrea) Right Andrea, what's going? ''[gets no answer]'' No answer. I'm not in the best of moods, ah? I don't like being ignored in my own fucking kitchen. What's going?
:'''Andrea''': I have no idea, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, my God almighty.
:'''Robert''': (interview) On garnish, you've got to be thirty seconds before everybody else. If she's not checking the tickets for us, we're screwed.
:'''Gordon''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, she's running the section, yet she has no idea of what's going. (to Giovanni) Tell her, chef.
:'''Giovanni''': Two wellingtons one medium, one medium-rare and lamb medium? I'm sorry, lamb medium-rare. Two lamb medium-rare.
:'''Gordon''': Oh my God.
:'''Robert and Ben Walanka''': Two chicken.
:'''Paula''': Two chicken and a Dory.
:'''Giovanni''': Two wellington, Two chicken and a lamb.
:'''Gordon''': Two wellington, two chicken, one lamb, one fucking Dory.
:'''Final 6''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': One wellington's medium, the rest is fucking nor-MAL. 
:'''Final 6''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Unlike us! (to Andrea) What's going, madam?
:'''Andrea''': I have no idea, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You have no idea. 
:'''Andrea''': I have no idea, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, come here you. Hey... fuck off! Hey madam, (points to the front entrance) through the door there! FUCK OFF!
:''[Andrea walks out of the door while the camera crew follows her]''
:'''Andrea''': Get that fucking camera out of my face.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Andrea, relax. The only thing he wants from you is to come back. You need to fight back. If you don't, you're finished.
:'''Andrea''': (interview) This is the hardest... most difficult, most up-and-down thing that I've ever, ''ever'' done in my entire life! ''[to Jean-Philippe]'' It's just been out of fucking control tonight. There's no communication with anybody, and I just haven't recovered. 
:'''Jean-Philippe''': You want to stay?
:'''Andrea''': Yes, I want to fucking stay! I've been through too much hell right now to fucking leave!
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Absolutely. So keep it to Gordon.
:'''Andrea''': (interview) It's just a reminder of how difficult it's been and how much...how much I just want this so bad.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': So now you need to be strong. Go back in there, and give it your best shot. Go on, then!
:'''Andrea''': (interview) I put everything I have into this every day, and I just had to go in there and fight for the rest of it.
:'''Gordon''': ''[to Andrea]'' Right, what's going?
:'''Andrea''': Two chicken, two lamb, one wellington, one Dory.
:'''Gordon''': Thank you. Back in the kitchen! NOW WAKE UP, ANDREA!
:'''Andrea''': Yes, chef!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Dory, salmon, lamb, wellington!
:'''Robert''': Two minutes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': ''[notices Robert putting the bacon into the John Dory]'' Robert, just come here!
:'''Robert''': Oh, shit!
:'''Gordon''': Why have you put the bacon inside the Dory?
:'''Robert''': To crisp it up, chef, real quickly.
:'''Gordon''': What's the bacon with?
:'''Robert''': For the scallops.
:'''Gordon''': So why have you put it with the Dory? Suppose he's allergic to bacon! You can send somebody to the hospital on the back of that!
:'''Robert''': Oh, you're right.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, come on! ''[kicks a bin]'' &quot;You're right&quot;? Course, I'm fucking right! Get the bacon out!
:'''Robert''': (interview) Yeah, I fucked up and you know what? I know in my heart, I got it. I'm a bull.
:'''Gordon''': Come on, Mr Bacon Man!
:'''Narrator''': While Robert tries again on the John Dory, Chef Ramsay is counting on Giovanni on the meat station to get out the first entrée of the night.
:''[Gordon checks on chicken special at the pass]''
:'''Gordon''': (with a chewed up piece of chicken) What is that?
:'''Scott''': Giovanni's best.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, Ben.
:'''Ben Walanka''': Chef?
:'''Gordon''': Is that a chewed up bit of chicken from the dog? Here. ''[gives the chicken to Ben]'' That's your special. Yeah, have a word with him, yeah? He's given up. Take all the garnish back, do whatever you wish with it. Your special has now become not very special thanks to dickface (Giovanni) there. Hurry up, Giovanni!
:'''Giovanni''': Yeah, but I'm not dickface, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, say that again?!
:'''Giovanni''': I said I'm not dickface, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, you're pissed, are you? Not as fucking- Look at me, '''LOOK AT ME IN THE EYES!!''' '''''NOT AS PISSED AS I AM!! YOU FUCKIN' ARE!! DONKEY!!'''''
:'''Giovanni''': No.
:'''Ben''': (interview) Whooo! Boy, oh boy!
:'''Gordon''': Cause right now, I don't '''GIVE A FUCK!''' '''DICKFACE!'''
:'''Giovanni''': (interview) I'm an emotional person, but he can get in my face all he wants, he will not break me.
:'''Gordon''': You're sending shit, and you're trying to get away with it! Now I'm ''ready'' for an argument! SENDING ME THAT, YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED!!
:'''Robert''': (interview) You know, he just ''wants'' you to pop off.
:'''Gordon''': And you want to get all sensitive! You want to get all fucking negative! 
:'''Giovanni''': No, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Look at me, look at me, you send me shit like that, take your jacket and FUCK OFF!
:'''Giovanni''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': I'm not sending that shit, &quot;chef!&quot;
:'''Giovanni''': No, chef. Sorry, chef. (interview) I wasn't angry at him, I was angry at myself. It was just, I was boiling inside and... and he said something to me.
:'''Gordon''': That's the well done one. And look at me, I think you're too fucked to get upset with me, you don't give a fuck what I call you. This is not personal, this is professional! That personal was a piece of shit, now pull it back!!
:'''Giovanni''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': '''DICKFACE!'''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Giovanni, Robert! Hey Andrea, come here you! ''[gathers them at the corner]'' All three of you are pathetic! You (Giovanni) don't care...
:'''Giovanni''': I care, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You're (Robert) way behind, and you (Andrea) haven't got a fucking clue! Can we work together as a team?!
:'''Giovanni, Robert and Andrea''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Two wellington. One well-done! '''Get it ON!!!'''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Danny''': (interview) One station failed...
:'''Scott''': ''[Andrea's one pan catches fire]'' Pan's on fire! Pan's on fire!
:'''Danny''': ...and another station failed. It's no joke.
:'''Gordon''': We're going up in flames. ''[pick Andrea's pan]''
:'''Paula''': (interview) First night with the Black team, one big cluster fuck.
:'''Gordon''': Same shit, different day! (throws the pan into the sink)
:'''Scott''': ''[Ben's pan also catches fire]'' What about the rest of the table? We need cover-up.
:'''Gordon''': Dynamic six, yeah. My fucking ass. Fuck off the lot of you! ''[walks out of the kitchen and throws his towel away]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': ''[calls the five chefs back in the kitchen after Giovanni's elimination.]'' I just spent the last hour upstairs in my office thinking. It just doesn't make sense! How can the final six be so shit? I called you all down here because on the back of that performance, I'm now going to do something I have never ever done before. I'm shutting down Hell's Kitchen.

=== Episode Eleven [5.11] ===

:'''Narrator''': After a couple of days without any word on how Robert is doing, Chef Ramsay calls the chefs down for a meeting.
:'''Gordon''': So you're feeling fresh, very relaxed. Did you enjoy the whole atmosphere at the Borgata Resort?
:'''Danny''': Very much so.
:'''Ben''': Incredible, Chef.
:'''Gordon''': Sadly, you came back minus one individual. Clearly, you're all deeply concerned. I'm not going to tell you how he's doing, I'm going to let him tell you himself. Chef Robert.
:''[Robert appears and everyone applauds and smile]''
:'''Gordon''': Okay, big boy. Let me just say how pleased I am to see you.
:'''Robert''': Thank you.
:'''Gordon''': How are you feeling?
:'''Robert''': Not good.
:'''Gordon''': Ah?
:'''Robert''': Not good.
:''[Ben stops smiling.]''
:'''Gordon''': What did the medics say?
:'''Robert''': I have [[w:Pericarditis|pericarditis]], which is the swelling of the sac around the heart which leads to heart disease.
:''[Gordon shakes his head in dismay, Andrea and Paula fight back tears.]''
:'''Gordon''': Oh dear. Are you coming back?
:'''Robert''': No.
:'''Gordon''': No?
:''[Danny's face drops]''
:'''Robert''': I'm not coming back.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Ben has been struggling on the garnish station]''
:'''Gordon''': What's going, Ben? (gets no response) Oh, my God almighty! Oh, come on. Three Dory, two salmon, one chicken. (sees what Ben is doing) Why is he putting the lettuce there like that? He's trying to sauté it.
:'''Scott''': I don't know, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Look at the mess of this guy.
:'''Scott''': He throwing everything in a pot.
:'''Ben Walanka''': (interview) I was just absolutely... just mind-boggled.
:'''Gordon''': ''[picks up a pan and a piece of lettuce]'' You've got a pan here like that and you're throwing lettuce on top like that... ''you're shit.'' You are so shit, you don't realise what you're doing!
:'''Danny''': (interview) Oh, man Ben! Like, come on. You know better than that.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, come here a minute. Why are you doing this? You're just adding the lettuce to the tomato and cucumber, you're not sautéing the lettuce?
:'''Ben''': Chef, I was in a side pan s-sautéing the tomatoes and the cucumbers, chef. But I did it wrong, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, you're fuckin' up, you're cutting corners, and you're slipping big time! Do you know what? Do you know your biggest problem that'll always be the downfall of your career? You're full of fuckin' shit! 'cause every time you get fuckin' something wrong, you give a bullshit fuckin' excuse, but right now, I'm fed up with your bullshit excuses!
:'''Ben''': (interview) There's really nothing that I can do to please Chef Ramsay, and I'm slowly but surely being able to accept that.
:'''Gordon''': '''FUCK OFF!!'''
:'''Ben''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You're too dangerous to have on service. I asked you what you're doing, you said you're sautéeing tomatoes, ARE YOU '''FUNK! YOU DIRTY PIG! GET OUT!! GET OUT!!''' Un-fucking-believable!
:''[Ben walks into the pantry and bangs his head on the door]''
:'''Ben''': (interview) What the fuck is going on?! I–I'm very upset right now, but I don't give up. I'm a good cook, I know how to cook. You know, I feel like I need to really try and pull it together. ''[goes in the bathroom to wash his face]'' Okay, we're back. (interview) I certainly ain't leaving here without a fight. I'll tell you that.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Ben returns to the kitchen after a quick break]''
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, right. Hey, you! Come here you! What's going through your mind now? You still going to fucking butcher me and slice me and serve shit to them?
:'''Ben Walanka''': No, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Where's your fight, man?!
:'''Ben''': It's here, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Where is it?!
:'''Ben''': I got it, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Then wake up, you doughnut!
:'''Ben''': '''YES, CHEF!'''
[[Category:Hell's Kitchen seasons]]</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153575</id>
      <parentid>3153574</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T15:11:06Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:1700:24A3:170:DDA9:AD74:44C:8B70</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Episode Ten [5.10] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="67301" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 1|1]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 2|2]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 3|3]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 4|4]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 5|5]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 6|6]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 7|7]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 8|8]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 9|9]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 10|10]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 11|11]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 12|12]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 13|13]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 14|14]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 15|15]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 16|16]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 17|17]] | '''[[Hell's Kitchen|Main]]'''
----
&lt;br&gt;
'''''[[w:Hell's Kitchen (U.S.)|Hell's Kitchen]]''''' is an American cooking reality show based on [[w:Hell's Kitchen (UK)|the British program of the same title]], where Chef [[w:Gordon Ramsay|Gordon Ramsay]] puts aspiring chefs through different challenges and dinner services to decide who is the best.

=== Episode One [5.01] ===

:'''Gordon''': And the name of the dish is what?
:'''Danny''': Mahi Gone Bananas, chef.
:'''Gordon''': ''[tastes the dish]'' It looks like ''you've'' gone slightly bananas. It's hideous. Back in line. 
:'''Danny''': (interview) Ramsay's definitely just looking for a rise out of me, which he's going to eventually get.
:'''Gordon''': So the idea came from where?
:'''Danny''': I just pulled it out of my ass, sir.
:'''Gordon''': Put it back in there because it sucks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Who's cooked the diapers?
:'''Colleen''': No diapers, sir. That's chicken enchiladas with poblano cream sauce. My name's Colleen.
:'''Gordon''': Corinne.
:'''Colleen''': Colleen.
:'''Gordon''': Corinne.
:'''Colleen''': COL-leen.
:'''Gordon''': What do you do for a living?
:'''Colleen''': I am a culinary instructor and I own a recreational cooking school.
:'''Gordon''': And were you a trained chef before you set up a school?
:'''Colleen''': No, I am not a trained chef.
:'''Gordon''': So you're not a trained chef, yet you teach chefs to cook.
:'''Colleen''': That's correct.
:'''Gordon''': How much do you charge?
:'''Colleen''': 300 per three to four hours.
:'''Gordon''': Right. Look at the size of it.
:'''Colleen''': I feed big Nebraska boys. Would you like me to get you a bite?
:'''Gordon''': No, I'll bite it myself. ''[tries dish, spits it out]''
:'''Colleen''': Okay.
:'''Gordon''': You seriously charge $300 to teach people how to make that crap?
:'''Colleen''': Y–Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I feel like I need some plastic wrap on my arse.
:'''Colleen''': (interview) It was extremely difficult to just stand there and to keep my mouth shut! (to Gordon) I teach manners, too, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Say that again?
:'''Narrator''': Cooking instructor Colleen not only offered Chef Ramsay a dish he didn't care for, but an etiquette lesson as well.
:'''Gordon''': Okay, please, Miss Manners, fuck off back in line.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': It looks like lamb chops on a bed of ratatouille.
:'''Seth''': Uh, that's mine, chef. (interview) To be like Chef Ramsay is my dream. I've read his books, I've visited his restaurant in Manhattan. I think we have very similar styles.
:'''Gordon''': How long have you been cooking?
:'''Seth''': Fifteen years around.
:'''Gordon''': And what is it?
:'''Seth''': Cinnamon crusted rack of lamb with a(n) aubergine ratatouille.
:'''Gordon''': The ratatouille, what's in there?
:'''Seth''': Tomatoes, onion, tomato sauce, tomato paste.
:'''Gordon''': ''[spits out food]'' How come the aubergine's so sweet?
:'''Seth''': There's some honey, uh...
:'''Gordon''': Honey in a ratatouille? Uh, is that normal?
:'''Crowd''': No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': That's the worst dish I've ever tasted. ''[Seth laughs]'' Fifteen years to cook that shit and you're laughing. You could make history on being the fastest exit in Hell's Kitchen. And I'm fucking serious, you know that. Back in line. ''[Seth goes back in line]'' The quicker you understand how serious I am, the quicker you'll cook better.
:'''Seth''': I'll try harder next time, sir. (interview) I thought it looked all right. I think my presentation was good. I know it's a good dish. I got to prove to him that I can cook my ass off.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Lacey and Coi are arguing during prep. Gordon approaches Coi]''
:'''Gordon''': What's the matter?
:'''Coi''': This station is fucked... up.
:'''Lacey''': Come on, Coi.
:'''Coi''': (to Lacey) Don't say a fucking thing. (to Gordon) I come over here, there's nothing fucking done, chef. Nothing!
:'''Lacey''': (to Coi) Now why don't you tell him that you're threatening me.
:'''Gordon''': (to Coi and Lacey) Oh, wait. Right. I'm just about to open the doors, okay? Don't panic. I'm not asking you to be lovebirds, okay?
:'''Coi''': Absolutely.
:'''Gordon''': Calm down, get a grip and show me some form of composure, yes?
:'''Coi''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, my God!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': On order six covers, table 20. Two spaghetti, two scallops, one risotto, one Caesar. Entrées, three wellington, get them in!
:'''Robert''': ''[shouting over Gordon]'' Ben you guys, get going!
:'''Ben''': I'm coming! I'm coming!
:'''Gordon''': Hey you. Hey fuck-wit, Come here you. Come here! I'm calling out an order and you just shout over.
:'''Robert''': Sorry, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You fucking call out the order then. You fuck, FUCKING call out the order!
:'''Robert''': I need one Caesar, two scallops, one risotto and two spaghetti now! (interview) Yeah, give me the reins man! Let me drive this bitch!
:'''Gordon''': You fucking interrupt me again next time, you're going for an early bath.
:'''Robert''': Yes.
:'''Gordon''': A big one in the hot tub!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Gordon checks on scallops brought up by Danny]''
:'''Gordon''': Danny? Come here, that's you. Overcooked scallops, let's go. It's not exactly rocket science.
:'''Danny''': Well obviously, chef. ''[angrily slams his pan; [Gordon gives him a dirty look]''
:'''Gordon''': (to Danny) Hey you, come here you.
:'''Danny''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Okay, can you cook like a team member?
:'''Danny''': I'll wash their station and my station, chef.
:'''Gordon''': How about communicating with them?
:'''Danny''': I did, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Don't fucking dare start getting fucking pissed with me. Is that clear?
:'''Danny''': Chef, yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Good. NOW JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!!
:''[power supply shuts down]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Gordon looks for spaghetti in the Red kitchen]''
:'''Gordon''': Where's the other spaghetti? ''[notices Colleen starting a fresh spaghetti in a dirty pan]'' Madam, come here. ''[gets Colleen's pan]'' You're starting a fresh one in dirty pan!
:'''Colleen''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Oh!
:'''Colleen''': (interview) The pan that I've already used and I didn't have the chance to wipe it. I felt like an idiot.
:'''Gordon''': You teach people how to cook! ''[slams the pan down on her station]''
:'''Colleen''': We have no more pans, chef.
:'''Gordon''': ''[gets some pans from Andrea's station]'' Look! Pan, pan, pan!
:'''Colleen''': Thank you, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You're going to start a fresh spaghetti in a dirty pan! Holy crap!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': Seth is hoping to score high marks with his first entrée.
:'''Gordon''': Why's it all fucking mangled?
:'''Scott''': He didn't have it ready, and then he sliced it and seared all the chops.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, Forrest! Come here you.
:'''Seth''': (interview) Ramsay, he keeps calling me &quot;Forrest&quot; as in [[w:Forrest Gump|Forrest Gump]]. I think it's a great name!
:'''Gordon''': You didn't cook it properly temperature wise, so you decided to buckle it and bastardise it. Now you're really having a laugh, yeah?
:'''Ben''': (interview) Man, this poor lamb chop just got charred. No excuse for that first lamb.
:'''Gordon''': Would you get excited to come here and eat that shit?
:'''Seth''': Absolutely not.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, fuck off, will you?
:'''Seth''': (interview) Listen, I screwed up the lamb, but at the end of the service, Gordon and I will be like peas and carrots once again!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': It's two and a half hours into the dinner service, and while Colleen has finally mastered the spaghetti, she still has a lot to learn about risotto.
:'''Gordon''': Look! ''[returns to workstation and tastes the risotto]'' Hey!
:'''Colleen''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Taste!
:'''Colleen''': Yes, chef.
:''[Gordon spits out the risotto in disgust]''
:'''Gordon''': That's the risotto! That, quite frankly, is the worst risotto I've ever tasted in my entire cooking career. Why's it so sweet? Who put sugar in there?
:'''Colleen''': ''[holds up a pot of sugar]'' I grabbed this. I thought it was salt.
:'''LA''': (interview) Are you fucking kidding me?
:'''Gordon''': That... ''[throws the risotto in the trash]'' is shit! Oh, my God!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Mashed potatoes?
:'''Wil''': ''[brings his garnishes to the pass]'' Fuck!
:'''Gordon''': What are you doing, Wil?
:'''Wil''': Sorry, chef. I don't know if this is very hot. (to his team mates) You got a cold sizzle?
:'''Gordon''': Dear, oh dear! Wil!
:'''Wil''': Yes, chef?
:'''Gordon''': You're shit!
:'''Wil''': Yes, chef. I am.
:'''Gordon''': You are so shit, it's unbelievable!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Are you on the garnish now, Robert?
:'''Robert''': I just want to help him out [Wil], chef.
:'''Gordon''': Charlie's on the garnish, Robert's on the garnish, yeah? And Wil is on planet cuckoo.
:'''Charlie''': (interview) Wil got thrown to the dogs on the garnish station. By the time I got around to help him, it was ugly.
:'''Gordon''': Wil, there's not one cook in the kitchen that hasn't been with you on the garnish tonight!
:'''Wil''': (interview) Being on the receiving end of Chef Ramsay's wrath...yeah, that sorta sucked. 
:'''Gordon''': Dear, oh dear, oh dear.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Garnish, please! (to Wil) What in the fuck are you two doing?
:'''Carol''': ''[interview; sees the customers leaving the kitchen]'' Oh no! When the customers got up and starting to walk out, I'm shocked.
:'''Gordon''': Let's go, 22!
:'''Waiter''': 22 just left.
:'''Gordon''': Twenty-two. 22 just left.
:'''Giovanni''': My table got up and left.
:'''Gordon''': ''[to Robert; tosses the plates to him]'' Hey! Hey, you! Hey, catch! THEY JUST LEFT! THEY JUST FUCKING LEFT!
:'''Giovanni''': The rest of tables got walked out.
:'''Lady''': Alright. Out of Hell's Kitchen.
:'''Gordon''': Switch it off! NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!! ''[goes to the red kitchen]'' Come here, all of you! ''[calls the blue team]'' Come here, all of you! Yeah, take a look at there! Pathetic, absolute embarrassment, utter crap! Clear down! CLEAR DOWN!!

=== Episode Two [5.02] ===

:'''Gordon''': The scallops are cooked, aren't they?
:'''Colleen''': Yes.
:'''Gordon''': Why are they still in the pan if they're cooked? They're going to be overcooked, you stupid cow! Oh, my God! Who cooked the scallops last service? Who was that?
:'''Lacey''': I did, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Come here, you! Come here! Show her how to cook a fucking scallop. Hey, by the way, she's not charging $300. Hey, this is free now. Free lesson! Stand back!
:'''Carol''': (interview) Colleen runs a cooking school, but she has no experience on the line and it clearly shows.
:'''Gordon''': (to Lacey) Teach madam [Colleen] here how to cook a fucking scallop!
:'''Lacey''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Shit!! Unbelievable!
:'''Lacey''': (interview) I almost felt honored in a weird way. (to Colleen) It's okay. It's alright.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': (to Ji) Is your ankle hurting?
:'''Ji''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, so's my fuckin' head. It's throbbin'.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Lacey brings Colleen's scallops to the pass]''
:'''Gordon''': Thank you, Lacey.
:'''Lacey''': You're welcome, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Colleen!! Do you see a difference? Pink in the middle, coloured both sides, yes?
:'''Colleen''': Yes, I do, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, did she charge you?
:'''Colleen''': (brief pause) No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, thank fuck for that. Let's go. God bless Nebraska.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Narrator''': Seth and Charlie have delivered their lobster spaghetti to the pass.
:''[Gordon checks the spaghetti; finds out that there's no lobster in it]''
:'''Gordon''': There's no fucking lobster in there.
:'''Scott''': Doesn't look like it, no.
:'''Narrator''': But, it's missing one key ingredient.
:'''Gordon''': ''[returns to the workstation and pushes a pan aside]'' Hey, fuck-wit! Come here you! Come here!
:'''Charlie''': What's this?
:'''Gordon''': There's no fucking lobster in it!
:'''Charlie''': Shit!!
:'''Gordon''': How can you give it to me with no lobster in there?!
:'''Charlie''': We're stupid, chef. Apologies.
:'''Gordon''': Wake up, Charlie!!
:'''Charlie''': Yes, chef! Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': And you [Seth], docile fucking idiot! What's the dish called?
:'''Seth''': Uhm... Uhm...
:'''Gordon''': Spaghetti of lobster!!
:'''Seth''': (interview) I feel like I just got hit by a train!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Gordon checks on salmon brought up by Colleen]''
:'''Gordon:''' Oh, my God! ''[returns to the workstation]'' Come here you. Hey, Coi, come here! Carol, Lacey, come here! (to Colleen) Away now, two Wellington, yes, one salmon and one John Dory. Where's the John Dory?
:'''Colleen:''' (brief pause) I don't have the John Dory.
:'''Gordon:''' You don't have it. Hey, look, come here. Hey, there you go, look at that. ''[holds up the salmon]'' Look, look, hold on, hey, don't run away. '''IT'S BLACK!''' On top of that, there's an added bonus. It's fucking raw in the middle.
:'''Colleen:''' Yes, chef.
:''[Gordon angrily throws the salmon away and kicks the bin]''
:'''Gordon:''' Fucking useless, fucking shit. You're not a cookery school teacher, are you? You're joking, aren't you?
:'''Colleen:''' No, I'm not joking, chef. I am a--
:'''Gordon:''' Tell me, tell me you're pomping yourself up to make yourself look good. You don't really have a cooking school?
:'''Colleen:''' No, chef, I own a cooking school. I have a business just like you do.
:'''Gordon:''' Your fucking business is not like my business. Hey, madam, let's get that fucking right.
:'''Colleen:''' You're right.
:'''Gordon:''' You're robbing people! You're a thief!! I'm concerned for the poor bastards that you've taken money off of!! ''[sees another piece of salmon burning]'' Hey, madam, lift that lid off, it looks black.
:'''Colleen:''' It IS black!
:'''Gordon''': Oh, 'GOD!!!'
:'''Colleen''': Both of them!
:'''Gordon:''' '''SHIT!''' [Gordon and Coi look physically shocked] '''SHIT! IT'S BLACK!'''
:'''Colleen:''' Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon:''' OH, MY GOD!!
:'''Carol:''' These are burning.
:'''Colleen:''' I know.
:'''Gordon:''' Hey, madam, madam! '''GET OUT!!''' Get on the raw bar. Lacey! LACEY! Get on the fish!
:'''Lacey:''' Yes, chef!
:'''Colleen:''' (interview) Chef Ramsay's definitely not going to break me. He can ask me to leave, he can kick me out of the kitchen, he can do all those things, but he's not going to break me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Gordon checks on salmon brought up by Giovanni]''
:'''Gordon''': Giovanni! ''[returns to the workstation]''
:'''Giovanni''': Yes, chef?
:'''Gordon''': Hey, all of you come here! ''[points to Danny]'' He's cooking his ass off, surrounded by five muppets, yeah? The temperature's perfect, and I get that bit of shit there, look. I got given that! Would you eat that? ''[throws the salmon to Seth]'' Go on, eat it, eat it. (to Seth) Would you eat that?
:'''Seth''': No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': (to Giovanni) Would you eat that?
:'''Giovanni''': No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': ''[comes up to Giovanni]'' Hey, you can be pissed off. You got every fucking right to be pissed off. You know that, yes?
:'''Giovanni''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Fucking '''RAW'''!!
:'''Giovanni''': (interview) I've never had a chef come that close to me in my life. He can yell at me from across the kitchen, he doesn't have to get 2 inches away from my face.

=== Episode Three [5.03] ===
''[during the meat labelling challenge, with both teams both having five correct labels so far]''
:'''Seth''': (interview) Meat is one of my fortes. I definitely had six, seven out of eight without even looking.
:'''Ben''': Ring the bell, ring the bell. Go for it!
:''[Seth lightly taps the bell]''
:'''Gordon''': I can't hear that!
:'''Ben''': Ring the fucking bell!
:''[Seth hits the bell harder]''
:'''Gordon''': Seven wrong for blue, let's go.
:'''Charlie''': Holy shit! We're working backwards!
:'''J''': (interview) SETH, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!
:'''Narrator''': Seth's poor performance has set the men back. Now Lacey has a golden opportunity to redeem herself with her team.
:'''Carol''': Come on, Lacey!
:'''Lacey''': (interview) It's my chance to show my team that I can step up, and that I deserve to be here.
:'''Colleen''': Come on! We can do this!
:'''LA''': Move it, Lacey!
:'''Andrea''': (interview) Lacey was just moving things around for the feeling that she was doing something, and you know what, that's no different to how she is in the kitchen.
:''[Robert rings the men's bell]''
:'''Gordon''': Six wrong.
:'''Narrator''': Robert has only improved on Seth by one.
:'''Carol''': (to Lacey) Come on, let's go! Come on, come on, come on, come on!
:''[Lacey rings the bell]''
:'''Gordon''': Okay... (sees that Lacey has placed the &quot;bottom round&quot; label near one of the model cow's front legs) BOTTOM ROUND?! WHAT DOES &quot;BOTTOM&quot; MEAN? One, two, three, four, five, six wrong! Dear oh dear!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Why aren't the shrimp on? Get them on! Come on, Charlie.
:'''Charlie''': Sorry, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Unbelievable. A Caesar salad and we're in the shit! ''[spots that Charlie's cooking cloth has caught fire]'' Your cloth's on fire! YOUR CLOTH'S ON FIRE!
:'''J''': (interview) Charlie, wake the fuck up, man.
:'''Gordon''': Get it in the water please, Scott, before he burns the place down.
:'''Charlie''': I'm doing my best, chef.
:'''Scott''': (throws the cloth in the sink) If that's your best, you might want to rethink your best a little bit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Narrator''': It's thirty minutes into dinner service, and Ben is trying to impress Chef Ramsay with his speed. 
:'''Ben''': ''[bringing some chocolate brownie desserts to the pass]'' Coming down with desserts. Coming down with desserts... 
:'''Narrator''': Unfortunately, having dessert ready before the appetizers is not exactly what Chef Ramsay had in mind. 
:'''Gordon''':  Dick-head, put them down. ''[calls entire team]'' Hey, all of you, come here. Ben's now bringing me a chocolate fucking brownie. ''[tosses one dessert on the counter]'' WHAT'S GOING ON?! 
:'''Seth''': (interview) I didn't know what was going on, but he brought up dessert four minutes in. I mean, I've done some stupid shit, but that's embarrassing. 
:'''Gordon''': So, let's do it this way, then. There you go. ''[puts the desserts on the pass]'' Ben wants to serve a chocolate brownie before we serve the appetisers. 
:'''Ben''': No, chef. 
:'''Gordon''': What are you ''dreaming'' on?! Are you ''stupid''?! 
:'''Ben''': No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You've got cheesecake made as well! 
:'''Ben''': Yes, chef. 
:'''Gordon''': We've trashed six desserts before we've sent out fucking appetisers! 
:'''Ben''': It was my fault, chef. (interview) It was my mistake for not exactly knowing Chef Ramsay's terminologies, but fuck me if the words &quot;pick&quot; and &quot;up&quot; don't mean &quot;give you the desserts!&quot; 
:'''Gordon''': Have you been drinking or sniffing? 
:'''Ben''': No, chef. No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Look at me: Go upstairs for a lie-down. 
:'''Ben''': No, no, chef! 
:'''Gordon''': Go upstairs for a lie-down! ''[leads Ben out of the kitchen, then walks away]'' Useless. Absolutely useless. ''[a couple of seconds pass, then Ben quickly returns into the kitchen]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Lacey returns a Caesar salad to the pass]''
:'''Gordon''': What's the matter?
:'''Lacey''': She just didn't know if there were anchovies on it.
:'''Gordon''': You got what you asked for.
:'''Lacey''': I know, chef.
:'''Gordon''': So what did you fuck up? I know you find this is, yeah I know you laugh and it's funny.
:'''Lacey''': I'm not laughing! I'm trying not to cry.
:'''Gordon''': You're fucking worse than [[:w:Britney Spears|Britney Spears]], you jumped-up bitch!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[Carol returns to the pass with filet mignon]''
:'''Carol''': They say they want to brighten it up a little bit, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Giovanni, Robert come here! Robert, bounce your way down here. Let's go. ''[portions the beef]'' (pounds the counter) Touch it! Touch it!
:'''Giovanni and Robert''': It's cold.
:'''Gordon''': '''FUCKING SHIT!!''' ''[throws the beef away]'' It's still walking, that fucking piece of beef!
:'''Danny''': (interview) It pisses me off. We have the executive chef of a steakhouse running our grill. Wake up, get it together and put out some decent food.
:'''Gordon''': Giovanni!
:'''Giovanni''': Yes, chef?
:'''Gordon''': Thank fuck I've never been to your steakhouse! It's fucking blue!
:'''Giovanni''': Yes, chef!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Narrator''': With just 30 minutes left, Jean Phillippe is looking for Lacey.
:'''Jean Phillippe''': Table 23. The Table you forgot.
:'''Lacey''': I have to go up there and tell them to fire it?
:'''Jean Phillippe''': Who el...Who else is going to do it?
:'''Lacey''': Jean Phillipe I never waited table before!!!
:'''Jean Phillippe''': (Gobbles) Can you just go and ask the chef to fire It (Trying to do Lacey Voice), (Gobbles)
:'''Lacey''': I need the main course for 23 fired. Thanks Chef.
:'''Gordon''': Hey Madam (Lacey), We just taking the order in now??? Why did it take so long???
:'''Jean Phillippe''': She forgot the Table.
:'''Gordon''': (Shakes Head and angrily swats Lacey away)
:'''Lacey''': Yeah, &quot;Fuck off with me!&quot; I know.
:'''Gordon''': (To the Blue Team) Lacey forgot the ORDER!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[after Seth's attempt at butchering the filet mignon, Ramsay has discovered a huge amount of wasted meat]''
:'''Gordon''': Hey, all of you, here! Quickly! There's the filet, yes? Look at the fucking waste! ''[empties the waste onto the counter; the amount of waste is nearly as big as the remaining filet. Seth looks confused, while the other team members look horrified]'' That's what he took off, and there's the filet. LOOK AT THE FILET!
:'''Giovanni''': (interview) He molested that poor thing! People have gone to jail for worse, but it looked like he went at it with a jackhammer.
:'''Gordon''': ''[hurls the offcuts to Seth]'' We've fucking WASTED the most expensive part! LOOK AT IT! What are you going to do, get daddy to buy you a new one?
:'''Narrator''': With only fifteen minutes of dinner service left, Seth has butchered the filet. And possibly the Blue Team's hope of winning dinner service.
:'''Gordon''': How can you do that?
:'''Seth''': I never butchered a filet before chef.
:'''Gordon''': Congratulations, you just have.
:'''Seth''': ''[smiles]'' Thanks, yes... 
:'''Gordon''': Hey, hey smartass - not in the right way, you fucking bozo!
:'''Seth''': (interview) I don't think I did that bad, butchering that filet, but now I'll know for next time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[two minutes remain of the Blue team's half of the service]''
:'''Gordon''': Where's the New York strip?!
:'''Giovanni''': Chef, I'm four minutes away!
:'''Gordon''': Oh, my God. SWITCH IT OFF!! We're now over two hours, he (Giovanni) fucks the filet! (to Charlie) The shrimps go down! (to Ben Walanka) This dick sent me dessert before the appetisers! ''[throws his apron]'' Fuck off! (to Jean-Philippe) Jean-Philippe, shut it down, yes? Two hours over. Clear down!!!
:'''Robert''': (interview; tonight was originally planned to have been his wedding) I've embarrassed myself, my family, my girlfriend. ''[throws his buff off angrily]''
:''[Customers are leaving Hell's Kitchen]''
:'''Ben Walanka''': Here we go. Here comes the pain.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Where's the four Caesar salad, two shrimp?
:'''Colleen''': Coming chef. These were two, one and one.
:'''Gordon''': Where's the fucking four I asked for?
:'''Coi''': Four Caesar salad, two shrimp!
:'''Gordon''': (to Colleen) Hey!
:'''Colleen''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You're doing this on purpose.
:'''Colleen''': No I'm not, I swear. You said two. One and one.
:'''Gordon''': Look at me! Look at me! Four fucking salads.
:'''Colleen''': (interview) There's always the person in your life that's being grumpy and you know not being nice. Then there is one that Chef Ramsay whose the arrogant vicious attack dog.  
:'''Gordon''': (to Colleen) Hey, Madam, you're fucking pathetic!
:'''Colleen''': Yes, chef.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Four salad, three shrimp, one plain! (Colleen) Oh no, come here! What's going?
:'''Colleen''': Four Caesar salad, three shrimp, one plain!
:'''Gordon''': One more!
:'''Colleen''': Four Caesar salad chef, three shrimp, one plain!
:'''Gordon''': One more!
:'''Colleen''': Four Caesar salad chef, three shrimp, one plain!
:'''Gordon''': And last time!
:'''Colleen''': Four Caesar salad chef, three...
:'''Gordon''': (visibly shocked) Oh, m - OHH, GOD!
:'''Colleen''': ... SHRIMP, ONE PLAIN!
:'''Gordon''': Oh you fucking - hoo, shit! She's not normal... she can not be normal...
:'''Lacey''': (interview) My God! Colleen, if we lose tonight and I go home, I swear to God, I hope you can't sleep at night because you deserve to go home more than I.

=== Episode Four [5.04] ===
:'''Colleen''': How could we lose with cheerleaders on our side? Yeah! V, V-I, V-C-I-T-O-R-Y! (a caption reading &quot;Vcitory???&quot; appears)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[The Blue Team have lost the challenge and Ben believes that Danny was responsible for it even though it fell on Seth]''
:'''Ben''': Imma tell you one thing. I don't like fucking losing and Danny, I was over there helping you then I jumped over to eggs.
:'''Danny''': You should've been on eggs the whole time.
:'''Ben''': You were the one drowning on the pancakes buddy, that is correct.
:'''Danny''': Look you gave me a hand walking up pancakes and thank you for that.
:'''Ben''': Wait a minute Danny, ''[J laughs]'' come on man are you serious right now?
:'''Danny''': What? You-you helped me plate some pancakes and I appreciate it, thank you, I-I'm not a-
:'''Ben''': It's cool.
:'''Danny''': I'm not a hero here, I never said I was.
:'''J''': You said that earlier, you said you were the best cook.
''[Flashbacks to Gordon asking who the Blue Team's best cook is with Danny calling himself the Blue Team's best cook]''
:'''Danny''': I am obviously the best cook on the team.
:'''Ben''': You want to hear something dude, I will put circles around you! I will circle you like a fucking moon!
:'''Danny''': Where have you been?
:'''Giovanni''': Hey, hey come on! Danny, come on! Hey, Ben!
:'''Ben''': ''[over Giovanni]'' Are you joking me? You couldn't cook my cock!
''[The women walk past as Danny and Ben's argument starts escalating]''
:'''Giovanni''': Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
:'''Ben''': Are you joking me? I AM SO FUCKING-
:'''Danny''': Where have you been!? 
:'''Giovanni''': ''[stands between Danny and Ben]'' Be quiet! Quiet! Quiet!
:'''Ben''': We'll see you on garnish.
:'''Danny''': Shut the fuck up.
:'''Ben''': I mean- you know what, I need two minutes, I need two minutes bro.
:'''Danny''': Take your two minutes Bro because I haven't seen you kitchen yet.
:'''Giovanni''': HEY! 
:'''Danny''': Where have you been!?
:'''Ben''': ''[heads down to the patio]'' (interview) Danny's ego is getting the better of him and he needs to come back down on this planet.
:'''Danny''': YOU'VE GOTTEN A COMPLIMENT YET BEN!!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon''': On order: Four covers, Table 4. Two risotto, one spaghetti, one Caesar. 
:'''Blue Team''': Yes, Chef! 
:'''Danny''': (to Giovanni) Is it [the water] boiling? 
:'''Gordon''': How long? 
:'''Giovanni''': I'm waiting for the water to boil, Chef. 
:'''Gordon''': You expect me to tell Jean-Philippe we're waiting for your water to boil?! 
:'''Giovanni''': Oh, I'm sorry. 
:'''Ben''': (interview) Oh, man, Gio. How do you expect to cook pasta in water that's not boiling? 
:'''Gordon''': Hey, look at me! There's no olive oil in there, the water's not seasoned, it's not even ''boiling''! 
:'''Giovanni''': (interview) Oh, that was my fault. I didn't check my equipment. It won't happen again, that's for sure. 
:'''Gordon''': Let's go, Giovanni, let's go! Oh, my God...
:'''Narrator''': While Giovanni is in hot water, over in the Red kitchen, Coi is trying to get ahead.
:''[Gordon notices Coi cooking pasta]''
:'''Gordon''': (to Coi) Why are you cooking spaghetti? We haven't even fired it! DAMN!!
:'''Coi''': Fuck!
:'''Gordon''': Why?!
:'''Coi''': I'm sorry, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I can't believe this!! Why can't you just drop it to order?!
:'''Coi''': I will, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Tell me why you can't!!
:'''Coi''': I'm just trying to get ahead, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You can't get ahead! You're not that good!
:'''Coi''': (interview) I was trying to take so many steps ahead, so I'm kicking myself in the ass so, if I would have listened better, he wouldn't be screaming at me.
:'''Gordon''': Coi? Put some more spaghetti in to make yourself...
:'''Coi''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, I'm joking you stupid cow!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Jean-Philippe returns to the pass with Caesar salad]''
:'''Gordon''': What's going on on there?
:'''Jean-Philippe''': That's from, uhm, table 20 blue.
:''[Gordon checks the salad, then finds a butt of lettuce in it]''
:'''Gordon''': Hey, ALL OF YOU! COME HERE! Who dressed the Caesar salad?
:'''J''': I did chef. ''[Gordon shows the butt of lettuce to the members]'' (whispering) Jesus Christ!
:''[Gordon returns the butt of lettuce to the plate and violently throws the plate onto the floor]''
:'''Gordon''': Oi, bozo! Are you fucking stupid?!
:'''J''': No, chef, I'm not. (interview) J feels like a jackass because of that freaking lettuce. I should have seen it, it's a disgrace. It really is.
:'''Gordon''': Did you see that?
:'''J''': I did not, Chef. If I saw it, I would never put it in there.
:'''Giovanni''': (interview) Pretty hard to believe that butt of lettuce went out there. It's pretty hard to miss that big lettuce when you try to toss it in a small salad.
:'''Gordon''': Un-fucking-believable.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Gordon checks on lamb brought up by Ben Walanka]''
:'''Gordon''': Come here! All of you, come here! Put it down! (to Ben) Put it fucking down! What is that?
:'''Ben Walanka''': Lamb chop, sir.
:'''Gordon''': Lamb chop, yeah? Eat it. (gives the lamb to Ben and he eats it) Happy now? Now it's getting thinner and thinner and thinner. Look, there's another one that's ripped to fuck there now. Too thin, cowboy! 
:'''Robert''': (interview) I'm like. &quot;Oh, why are sending that out?&quot; It looked like a piece of carppacio on a bone, man.
:'''Gordon''': (to Ben) How can someone so fucking fat slice something so fucking thin?!
:'''Ben Walanka''': Sorry, chef. It won't happen again, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I wouldn't even serve that to my fucking dog!
:'''Ben Walanka''': I'll fix it right now, chef.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
;''[Colleen brings her wellingtons to the pass]''
:'''Gordon''': Hey, stay here you. Three Wellingtons, you brought me four. One medium, one medium-well, one well done. Where's the medium one? 
:'''Colleen''': The medium one's here, Chef. 
:'''Gordon''': Where's the medium-well? 
:'''Colleen''': The medium-well's here, Chef. 
:'''Gordon''': Where's the well done one, then? 
:'''Colleen''': It's right here, Chef. 
:'''Gordon''': So what the fuck is this one?
:'''Colleen''': I don't know. 
:'''Gordon''': You don't know. That's funny, isn't it? A little &quot;Ha-ha,&quot; &quot;Tee-hee,&quot; and &quot;God Bless Nebraska?&quot; 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon:''' On order, four covers, table three. One scallops, one spaghetti, one risotto, one caesar...
:'''Seth:''' (to Giovanni) Bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon!
:'''Gordon''': Entrées: One Dory, one chicken, one lamb, one wellington.
:'''Giovanni''': It's coming.
:'''Seth:''' Right here.
:'''Gordon:''' Seth! SETH!
:'''Seth''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Come here! What did I just call out?
:'''Seth:''' ''[wiping his face with a cloth]'' I... I don't know, chef.
:'''Gordon:''' Yeah, I know you don't know because you weren't even fucking prepared to listen. No wonder you're struggling.
:''[Seth uses the same cloth he just wiped his face with to clean a pan, then wipes his face with it again]''
:'''Gordon:''' What is he doing? Hey you, hey you, come here... ''[takes the cloth from Seth, and looks at him in disgust]''
:'''Seth:''' Sorry, chef.
:'''Gordon:''' I just watched you wipe your face and then wipe the pan. If this one's for your fucking nose, where's your cooking cloth?
:'''Seth:''' Uh, I'll get one, chef.
:'''Gordon:''' ''[throws the cloth back to Seth]'' Fuck off will you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[after Jean-Philippe returned to the pass with more food, Gordon has had it]''
:'''Gordon''': (disappointed) What is going on? Oh no! Oh! ''[cuts to Coi accidentally dropped her spaghetti on her station]'' Fuck off - oh, no! Shit! Look at that! You, guy! (Robert) Come here, you fat fuck! Come here! All of you, come here! COME HERE! Hey, hey, look at me. You are pathetic. NO-ONE'S won! Fuck off, both teams, start thinking about two of you to fucking go home! (to Coi) You, pathetic! I don't want anymore! (to Ben) I don't want to wait for your shit anymore, (to Danny) I don't want your shit anymore, (to Seth) I don't want you drying your face, and then fucking cooking with a cloth, '''YOU SCUMMY FUCKER! GET OUT!!''' ''[all chefs exited the kitchen except Ben; he approaches him]'' GET OUT!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Something's really bugging me, you know that? And I can't stop thinking about it and here's why. If a customer goes out for dinner and their steak is overcooked or undercooked, it gets redone. And they move on and enjoy the evening. But if a customer goes out for dinner and they get served a butt of lettuce, that's how reputations get destroyed in minutes, ''[to J]'' butt-head! 

=== Episode Five [5.05] ===

''[Gordon asks for wellingtons in the Red kitchen]''
:'''Gordon''': Where's the wellington, please?
:'''Andrea''': Chef, I'm re-firing the wellington. The bottom's burning.
:'''Gordon''': ''[begins searching]'' Where's the medium-well wellington?
:'''Andrea''': I'm putting projector paper.
:'''Gordon''': ''[finds that Andrea has hid her burnt meat underneath her station]'' Oh, shut up you, yeah? Shut up. What is this? ''[starts getting the meat]''
:'''Andrea''': They burned. I'm not quite sure why.
:'''Gordon''': Watch. There you go, look. (to the members) Hey, come here! Oy, oy, oy! There you go. There you go. There--Oh, dear! ''[throws a burnt wellington against the refrigerator]'' Fucking pile of shit!!
:'''Andrea''': (interview) I'm screwed. I'm fucking screwed.
:'''Gordon''': Anything else you hid? What else did you hid?!
:'''Andrea''': No, chef. That's it, chef.
:'''Gordon''': That's it? Is it?! WHY'D YOU DO IT?!
:'''Andrea''': Trying to get it together, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I just don't-- I just don't understand it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Jean-Philippe returns to the pass with dessert]''
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Red, [Table] 53. Tanya Steel.
:'''Gordon''': Not done? (returns to the workstation) There you go. Now I've had enough. ''[slams the plate on the stove]'' Come here! There you go. (to Carol; gives her a piece of pear) Take a bite and pass it along. (to LA) LA, wake up, yeah?
:'''Coi''': It's hard as a fucking rock.
:'''Gordon''': Raw pastry, raw pear. That's her! ''[kicks a bin]''
:'''Andrea''': (interview) Chef Ramsay wasn't kidding when he said it was raw. It was raw. That's just, &quot;Sorry. Poor judgement.&quot;
:'''Gordon''': (to Colleen) You didn't know that's raw pastry with a raw pear?
:'''Colleen''': No, chef.
:'''Andrea''': (interview) Everybody else was just looking around like, &quot;You've got to be kidding me.&quot;
:'''Gordon''': Un-fucking-believable! ''[goes to the blue kitchen and sits in fetal position]''
:'''Narrator:''' Tonight, dinner service has totally collapsed.
:'''Gordon:''' Oh, Christ almighty! Two and a half hours of bullshit.
:'''Narrator''': And Chef Ramsay is at the end of his rope.
:'''Gordon''': (to Jean-Philippe; after returning to the pass with raw desserts) Oh fuck off! I'm... I've had enough! ''[goes to the red kitchen]'' Hey, when I say, I've had enough! I've had enough! Stoves off! ''[calls both teams]'' Come here! That was pathetic! And you were absolutely useless! CLEAR DOWN! I can't take it anymore! It's been the worst performance so far! '''SWITCH IT FUCKING OFF!!!''' ''[throws his spoon away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon:''' There was no place in the kitchen I could put Colleen where she wasn't a disaster. It's time for her to go back to where she belongs, teaching. Because she certainly can't cook.

=== Episode Six [5.06] ===

:'''Narrator''': As the Blue Team heads to the spa for a day of pampering... 
:'''J''': ''Off to the spa we go...'' 
:'''Narrator''': ...Back in the dining room, Max's mom lets J.P. know that he'll be working with someone to plan the party. 
:'''Brenda''': This gentleman is very recommended. 
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Yes. 
:'''Brenda''': So, um... 
:'''Francisco''': ''Bonjour'', darling! 
:'''Brenda''': Oh, here he is now. 
:'''Narrator''': ...Someone he knows all too well. 
:'''Francisco''': Oh, it's so good to see you! ''[hugs J.P.]'' I'm so happy to be here. Are you thrilled to see me? 
:'''Brenda''': Alright, well, see you tomorrow. 
:'''Francisco''': Thank you. 
:'''Jean-Philippe''': (to Francisco) Listen, you. You are not interfering with my job. 
:'''Francisco''': I respect your boundaries. 
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Alright, I'll do my thing, and then you do your little thing. 
:'''Francisco''': &quot;My little thing.&quot; Oh, it will be so happy.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Good. 
:'''Francisco''': Oh, here they [the Red Team] come. 
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Ladies, ladies, ladies, we've done a few parties in the past with Francisco. 
:'''Francisco''': I'm so excited to be here, this is so ''fabulous''! ''[the ladies laugh]'' Wait until you see what we're doing. We are going to go up, up, and away with beautiful balloons, all around. It's going to be so festive! 
:'''Coi''': (interview) Oh, Francisco's just fabulous, all the way around.
:'''Francisco''': We have twinkly centerpieces on all of the tables... 
:'''Andrea''': (laughing) Twinkly! 
:'''Coi''': (interview) It's the way he talks, it's the way he dresses, everything. He's fabulous. 
:'''Francisco''': We are going to make this the most beautiful ''sports arena''! 
:'''LA''': (interview) I'm gay, that dude is '''parade''' gay.

=== Episode Seven [5.07] ===

:'''Giovanni''': How long for the risotto and pasta?
:'''Paula''': Plating up the pasta right now.
:'''Andrea''': How's your risotto?
:'''Carol''': I'm going. I'm going.
:'''Gordon''': Where's the risotto?
:'''Carol''': Right here chef.
:'''Gordon''': Carol!
:'''Carol''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': ''[tastes the risotto then spits it out]'' Taste that rice, taste the rice. It's like mush! Show me the rice.
:'''Carol''': Right here.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, my God! It's overcooked! It's like mush! Who cooked the rice?
:''[flashback to when J cooked the rice for both teams, pouring two boxes into one pan]''
:'''Andrea''': The blue team.
:'''Gordon''': The blue team? What? ''[goes over to the blue kitchen]'' Oh, come here you, all of you! Who cooked this rice?
:'''J''': I did, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Look at it, J! How can you do that, J? ''[hurls the rice in the trash]'' ''J!'' For both teams?
:'''J''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Aw, fucking hell! Oh, come on! You can't do this!
:'''Lacey''': (interview) The risotto was mushy, clumpy and nasty, and it definitely was not a good way to start the evening.
:'''Gordon''': It's mush! Did you cook it all in the same pan?
:'''J''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, fuck me! Oh, come on, fuck off J!
:'''J''': I'll get a pot on, chef. (interview) That pissed off Chef Ramsay, and I really didn't need that, because he's been riding me hard the past couple of days.
:'''Gordon''': (to Jean-Philippe) Jean-Philippe, stop the risotto, yeah? (to J) J! I can't believe you just screwed the service in both kitchens!
:'''Robert''': (interview) J, you're my friend and I like you a lot, but today, you fucking suck, man.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Jean-Philippe returns to the pass with pasta]''
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Pasta undercooked, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Is it?
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Yeah, it's really undercooked, chef.
:'''Gordon''': (to Carol) Hey, you, madam. The pasta's raw! Who's running the appetisers?
:'''Carol''': I am, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Well, then run it, then! Does she [Andrea] wipe your arse?
:'''Carol''': No, chef. (interview) I get fucking yelled at because this stupid bitch can't fucking cook?! What the hell is up with that?! (to Ramsay) There's must be some mix-in because it's...
:'''Gordon''': What?! Why aren't you tasting?
:'''Carol''': I was tasting it chef.
:'''Gordon''': So you tasted it and you knew it's raw, yet you still sent it!
:'''Carol''': (interview) That stupid bitch doesn't fucking say anything when Chef Ramsay's yelling at me, '''FUCK THIS SHIT!'''
:'''Gordon''': Madam, come here you mouthy little bitch! You [Andrea] come here!
:'''Andrea''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': (to Jean-Philippe) Hey, give me that table out there! (to Carol and Andrea) And sit on that table and eat that! Both of you, fuck off out there! It's not undercooked, it's raw! RAW, Carol! ''[gets ticket from Jean-Philippe]''
:'''Andrea''': (to Carol) Let's eat it. Yeah, let's get this fucking over with.
:'''Gordon''': (to Carol and Andrea) Hey, you're not coming back to this clear until you let me know how it tastes!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Narrator''': While Carol and Andrea chew on their mistakes, in the blue kitchen, J is hoping to redeem himself.
:'''Gordon''': (with a piece of undercooked salmon) J! Come on, then! Look, it's still stone-cold. Back in the oven! Fucking hell...
:'''Ben''': J, I know you're busy, buddy, but how long on the salmon, my man?
:'''J''': Five minutes.
:'''Robert''': Give me the tuna!
:'''Ben''': He said four minutes out. Can you make it four?
:'''Gordon''': Everything you've touched tonight, so far, has been screwed.
:'''Robert''': (interview) J just lost his shit, man. He was just clamming up, didn't take control. He was burning the seafood, he was sending raw seafood.
:'''Gordon''': That's called burnt salmon, not seared salmon!
:'''Robert''': (interview) It takes a real good chef to recover. (to J) You can really turn this around if you want to.
:'''J''': I know.
:'''Robert''': Wipe your face, wipe your face. ''[J wipes his face with his sleeve]'' With a rag!
:'''Gordon''': J, where's the salmon?
:'''J''': Coming around. Right here, chef.
:'''Gordon''': ''[finds out that the salmon is overdone]'' Hey, bozo, SAUCE!! Come here, you. Put that down, come here, you. Come here, you! Get in there! GET IN!
''[leads J into the pantry and slams the door]''
:'''J''': Fuck!
:'''Gordon''': WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!
:'''J''': I'm here, chef.
:'''Gordon''': It's not good enough, J!
:'''J''': I know, chef. I got no fucking excuse.
:'''Gordon''': What's the matter with you?!
:'''J''': I don't know. I'll fucking turn it on right now, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I can't fucking go any further! Please, wake up!
:'''J''': Yes, chef!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon''': I've got sauce on one, and two Dory on. LA?
:''[LA is standing still and staring into space]''
:'''Paula''': (interview) It's almost like LA was half-asleep or something.
:'''Gordon''': Come on, LA!
:'''Gloria''': Come on! LA, wake up! Are you sleeping?!
:'''LA''': No, I'm...
:'''Gordon''': She's dreaming. Come on, ''(voice cracks)'' more sauce, you silly cow!
:'''LA''': (interview) He called me a cow. For the first time.
:'''Gordon''': Don't cook all the fucking Dory in one pan unless you're boiling them, yes?
:'''LA''': Yes, chef. (interview) In the real world, you wouldn't have someone yelling at you like that. You wouldn't have someone calling you a cow, a bitch. You wouldn't. 'Cos if someone in the real world called you a cow or a bitch, you would walk up to them and sock them in the head.
:'''Gordon''': How long for the beef, please?
:'''LA''': 30 seconds chef.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Narrator''': As LA tries to get up to speed, over in the blue kitchen...
:'''Gordon''': J! Where's the other scallop?
:'''J''': Right here, chef.
:''[J brings the scallops to the pass; they're badly overcooked]''
:'''Gordon''': Have you seen this shit?
:'''Scott''': Disastrous, isn't it?
:'''Gordon''': I have had enough. ''[calls the blue team]'' Come here, you! Leave it, PUT THAT DOWN! You, come here! You come here!
:'''Ben''': Yes, chef.
[the team members gather around the pass]
:'''Gordon''': What is that? What IS that? What is that? That's us at our best, WHAT IS IT?! Wait, it gets better! Look, touch that!
:'''Ben''': It's rubber, chef.
:Gordon: T-Oh, my GOD! Unbelievable-- ''[J goes to touch one of the scallops, and Ramsay knocks his hand away]'' No, no no no no! NO! GET OUT! '''OUT, OUT, OUT!''' GET OUT! '''OUT, GET OUT!''' Take your jacket off, and fuck off!!
:'''J''':  (interview) I guess I don't belong here, so... I'll be going home. I'm here for a reason, and it's my boy and my wife, so of course I'm disappointed. It was a tough day. (in the dorms) Oh...that's fucked up bro. (interview) My dream when I came to Hell's Kitchen was to win. So, uh, now it's time to move on and get my own restaurants going. You know, I don't need Chef Ramsay's opinion anymore, I've got it. ''[entering the taxicab]'' Tomorrow's another day! Let's do it. (interview) It's time for J Maxwell to do his own thing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Where are the Wellingtons?
:'''Ben Walanka''': Five and a half minutes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I'm watching you like a fucking hawk.
:'''Ben Walanka''': I know you are, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You know why? Do you know why?
:'''Ben Walanka''': I don't-I don't know, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I want you out. You're not cutting it. You're dreaming.
:'''Ben Walanka''': (interview) It hurts. It hurts when someone goes at you like that.
:'''Gordon''': Stop! Stop, stop, stop! Put that down. ''[finds that Ben has put fresh Wellingtons in a tray filled with burnt bits of pastry]'' Oh, my god! Look! Look!
:'''Danny''': (interview) Ben was struggling, just getting beat up by chef. Ben's just like J, in dinner service he just falls apart.
:'''Gordon''': Come here, you! Get in there, get in! ''[Gordon leads Ben into the pantry]'' What's your fucking game?
:'''Ben Walanka''': No game, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Tell me something straight. What are you doing?
:'''Ben Walanka''': Chef, I'm doing everything I can...
:'''Gordon''': Why are you putting them on a dirty tray?
:'''Ben Walanka''': Chef, only because I was doing Wellington on them before, and I could not find any more...
:'''Gordon''': And that's good enough for you?
:'''Ben Walanka''': No, it's not, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Is it fucked?
:'''Ben Walanka''': It's not. I don't want to do it in a...
:'''Gordon''': YOU DIRTY PIG!
:'''Ben Walanka''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': CLEAN THE FUCKING TRAY!!
:'''Ben Walanka''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': One more, and you're fucking history. GET IN!
:'''Ben Walanka''': (interview) Today, it took everything I had not to go up in my little coccoon. I just had to push forward.
:'''Gordon''': DIRTY PIG!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Robert''': (to Lacey) I swear to God if you win this I will hang up my coat and become a crack whore!

=== Episode Eight [5.08] ===

:''[Lacey's meat pan catches fire; Gordon approaches her station]''
:'''Gordon''': Leave it! Fucking hell, what is that?!
:'''Lacey''': Wha-I...
:'''Gordon''': What is that, I said! Look at it! It's on fire!
:'''Danny''': Is this your well-done?
:'''Lacey''': (tearfully) I don't know.
:'''Ben''': (interview) She was lost. ''[in mockery of Lacey]'' &quot;I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON HERE, HUHU!!&quot;
:'''Gordon''': What's the matter with you?!
:'''Lacey''': I CAN'T COOK MEAT, CHEF!
:'''Gordon''': What do you mean you can't cook meat?!
:'''Lacey''': Obviously I'm weak and confused...
:'''Gordon''': Hey madam, madam! Get out! GET OUT!!
:'''Robert''': (interview) Can't handle the heat, get out the kit-CHEN!!
:'''Gordon''': ''[follows Lacey to the pantry]'' &quot;I can't cook meat?!&quot;
:'''Lacey''': I–I'm sorry. I just got really confused.
:'''Gordon''': If you got confused, why didn't you say something?!
:'''Lacey''': I did and then Robert put the chicken and the chicken went on fire and...!
:'''Gordon''': Why can't you just make the effort?
:'''Lacey''': I'm trying to make an effort.
:'''Gordon''': Do you want to come back in there and make an effort?
:'''Lacey''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Well, wake up and get a grip!! Come on! ''[leads Lacey out of the pantry]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Robert:''' C'mon, guys! Let's fucking do it!
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, move!
:''[Robert bends over and a ripping sound is heard. As Ben and Lacey look on in shock, we see that Robert has split open the seat of his trousers. He carries on, unconcerned.]''
:'''Robert:''' Come on guys, keep pushing! (interview) All I heard was &quot;RRRRRIIIP!&quot;
:'''Scott:''' (to Gordon) Robert's ass is hanging out all over the place.
:'''Robert:''' (interview) &quot;Ooh, I feel a little breeze on the back of my ass!&quot; I'll cook in my boxer shorts, I don't give a shit.
:'''Gordon:''' Damn!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Gordon checks on meat brought up by Lacey; finds that the lamb was badly carved]''
:'''Gordon''': Oh, my God!
:'''Lacey''': Hmm... Fuck me!
:'''Gordon''': Come here, all of you! What is that? Fucking bone's thicker than the meat! WHAT IS THAT?!
:'''Lacey''': I DON'T KNOW CHEF!
:'''Gordon''': ''[throws the lamb in the bin]'' It's not good enough! GET OUT! YOU'RE not good enough!! Piss off!! ''[follows Lacey into the pantry]'' Madam, look at me. Let's be honest, you're done. You can't waste my time any longer!
:'''Lacey:''' I agree.
:'''Gordon:''' Give me your jacket, and leave Hell's Kitchen. And go in there, and say goodbye. Properly, say it properly! Let's go.
:'''Lacey:''' ''[to the blue team]'' Thank you for everything!
:''[Danny quickly waves to Lacey and then resumes cooking; Ben and Robert ignore her altogether]''
:'''Robert:''' (interview) There's a small violin, just for Lacey. ''[blows a raspberry]'' She sucks. Adios, biatch.
:'''Gordon:''' Piss off! Let's go! Step up a gear.
:'''Lacey:''' (interview) On one hand, it's a relief. I can get back to my normal life. ''[packing her suitcase]'' Now I can get some sleep at night. (interview) But you know, another part of me wishes to stay and learn more and have that chance to win but unfortunately I fucked up tonight and I can only look back on the positive things which there weren't many for me. You know, my mom told me when I came here, &quot;Don't make enemies.&quot; and that's the first thing I did and kept doing the whole time I was here. Sorry mom, I should've listened.

=== Episode Nine [5.09] ===

''[Gordon checks on sauce brought up by Ben]''
:'''Gordon''': Oh Ben!
:'''Ben''': Chef!?
:'''Gordon''': ''[returns the sauce to the workstation]'' Right, all three of you [Ben, Danny &amp; Robert] come here. Here we go. ''[with spoons]'' Taste time! Quick, quick, dig in there, yes? Dig in. Make sure you take a nice big mouthful. Big mouthful. Mmmmmm. ''[spits out the sauce as does Robert]''
:'''Robert''': (interview) I spit it right out, it was disgusting.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, salty soup! You're just reheating it!
:'''Ben''': Yes.
:'''Gordon''': So how can you fuck it?!
:'''Ben''': It was bland before I over reduced it, it's my fault, I should've tasted it chef.
:'''Gordon''': You're clumsy! You salted it!
:'''Ben''': Yes chef.
:'''Gordon''': You over seasoned it!
:'''Ben''': Yes I did, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You didn't over reduce it!
:'''Ben''': (interview) I'm a soldier, that's why I say yes chef.
 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': One beef salad. Entrées: one bass, one New York steak.
:''[a woman comes up to the hotplate to reorder food]''
:'''Lady''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Yes, madam?
:'''Lady''': Totally flat. No flavor on the carpaccio. This the second time I've had to reorder.
:'''Gordon''': Okay, thank you. (to the blue team) Hey, get the veal along please, yes? Let's go.
:'''Lady''': Chef! ''[whistles to Gordon]''
:'''Gordon''': (to the woman) Right! Don't whistle at me, I'm not your fucking dog, yeah? You look more like a dog than I do. Fuck off, will you?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
''[Gordon checks on potatoes brought up by Carol]'' 
:'''Gordon''': Oh dear. Excuse me! Oh, dear! Let's go, come down! Hurry up! Taste them. There, there you go, there's a nice big slice for you. Aw, fuck it!
:'''Carol''': Hard and raw chef.
:'''Gordon''': Fucking hell! ''[throws the potatoes away]'' Why are the potatoes crunchy? Who cooked them then?
:'''Carol''': I did chef. If they go in the oven when the order comes in, they should be fully cooked. (interview) I don't know why they didn't cook. I never cooked potatoes that long before I sliced that thin.
:'''Gordon''': (To Jean-Philippe) Hey, come in here you! Have I got news for you, yeah? Tell him then, tell him! HE'S GOING TO GO AND EXPLAIN TO THE CUSTOMER!!
:'''Jean-Philippe''': What's happening?
:'''Carol''': The potatoes are undercooked. If they go in when the order comes in, they should be fine.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': What's undercooked?
:'''Gordon''': Say that again?!
:'''Carol''': If she [Andrea] fires it when the order comes in, when it's ready to go -
:'''Gordon''': Au-gratin dauphinois need to be cooked before service!
:'''Carol''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Now you're blaming her.
:'''Carol''': I'm not blaming her chef.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, Andrea, she's trying to sabotage. She can't even tur -
:'''Carol''': I'm not.
:'''Gordon''': What?
:'''Carol''': I'm not sabotaging.
:'''Andrea''': (interview) I was embarrassed for Carol. She's pointing out other people's mistakes. Point me out! I dare you!
:'''Gordon''': Here's the next question, how long then til they cook?
:'''Carol''': Maybe ten minutes.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, look how cool she is! She said &quot;maybe ten minutes&quot;!
:'''Carol''': (interview) They should've been done. Why didn't they cook?
:'''Gordon''': (to the customers) Maybe ten minutes everybody, for your Au-gratin dauphinois!! (to Carol) Look at them, the poor souls! Are you stupid?!
:'''Carol''': No, chef. I'm not.
:'''Gordon''': Bullshit! ''[throws his towel away]''
:'''Andrea''': (interview) Those potatoes! I was embarrassed for Carol.
:'''Gordon''': Why didn't they cook to begin with?
:'''Carol''': Chef, yes, I cooked them in the cream for an hour.
:'''Gordon''': WHAT?!
:'''Carol''': Yes.
:'''Gordon''': You cooked them in the cream for an hour?
:'''Carol''': In boiling cream for an hour.
:'''Gordon''': Crunchy gratin dauphinois. Useless.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
''[Carol pours more cream over her potatoes]''
:'''Gordon''': What is that on there?
:'''Carol''': I just poured more cream on it and I'm going to put it back in.
:'''Gordon''': My God! Oh, Jesus Christ! ''[gets the potatoes dumps them in the bin]'' Are you mad?
:'''Carol''': No, chef.
:'''Andrea''': (interview) There were no saving those potatoes. None whatsoever. They just looked like shit. They looked like fucking shit! It was awful.
:'''Gordon''': I wouldn't even serve that to a fucking pig farm, madam. Forget it. ''[throws the tray into the sink]'' You don't care do you? Because if you did care, you wouldn't serve me that crap! This is supposed to be your exciting menu! Really?
:'''Carol''': (interview) I feel completely awful. This is such a great dish and I fucking ruined it!

=== Episode Ten [5.10] ===

:'''Gordon''': On order, six covers table 20. Entrées: Two wellington, two chicken, one lamb, one Dory. Wellington's medium, yes?
:'''Final 6''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': (to Andrea) Right Andrea, what's going? ''[gets no answer]'' No answer. I'm not in the best of moods, ah? I don't like being ignored in my own fucking kitchen. What's going?
:'''Andrea''': I have no idea, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, my God almighty.
:'''Robert''': (interview) On garnish, you've got to be thirty seconds before everybody else. If she's not checking the tickets for us, we're screwed.
:'''Gordon''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, she's running the section, yet she has no idea of what's going. (to Giovanni) Tell her, chef.
:'''Giovanni''': Two wellingtons one medium, one medium-rare and lamb medium? I'm sorry, lamb medium-rare. Two lamb medium-rare.
:'''Gordon''': Oh my God.
:'''Robert and Ben Walanka''': Two chicken.
:'''Paula''': Two chicken and a Dory.
:'''Giovanni''': Two wellington, Two chicken and a lamb.
:'''Gordon''': Two wellington, two chicken, one lamb, one fucking Dory.
:'''Final 6''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': One wellington's medium, the rest is fucking nor-MAL. 
:'''Final 6''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Unlike us! (to Andrea) What's going, madam?
:'''Andrea''': I have no idea, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You have no idea. 
:'''Andrea''': I have no idea, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, come here you. Hey... fuck off! Hey madam, (points to the front entrance) through the door there! FUCK OFF!
:''[Andrea walks out of the door while the camera crew follows her]''
:'''Andrea''': Get that fucking camera out of my face.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Andrea, relax. The only thing he wants from you is to come back. You need to fight back. If you don't, you're finished.
:'''Andrea''': (interview) This is the hardest... most difficult, most up-and-down thing that I've ever, ''ever'' done in my entire life! ''[to Jean-Philippe]'' It's just been out of fucking control tonight. There's no communication with anybody, and I just haven't recovered. 
:'''Jean-Philippe''': You want to stay?
:'''Andrea''': Yes, I want to fucking stay! I've been through too much hell right now to fucking leave!
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Absolutely. So keep it to Gordon.
:'''Andrea''': (interview) It's just a reminder of how difficult it's been and how much...how much I just want this so bad.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': So now you need to be strong. Go back in there, and give it your best shot. Go on, then!
:'''Andrea''': (interview) I put everything I have into this every day, and I just had to go in there and fight for the rest of it.
:'''Gordon''': ''[to Andrea]'' Right, what's going?
:'''Andrea''': Two chicken, two lamb, one wellington, one Dory.
:'''Gordon''': Thank you. Back in the kitchen! NOW WAKE UP, ANDREA!
:'''Andrea''': Yes, chef!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Dory, salmon, lamb, wellington!
:'''Robert''': Two minutes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': ''[notices Robert putting the bacon into the John Dory]'' Robert, just come here!
:'''Robert''': Oh, shit!
:'''Gordon''': Why have you put the bacon inside the Dory?
:'''Robert''': To crisp it up, chef, real quickly.
:'''Gordon''': What's the bacon with?
:'''Robert''': For the scallops.
:'''Gordon''': So why have you put it with the Dory? Suppose he's allergic to bacon! You can send somebody to the hospital on the back of that!
:'''Robert''': Oh, you're right.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, come on! ''[kicks a bin]'' &quot;You're right&quot;? Course, I'm fucking right! Get the bacon out!
:'''Robert''': (interview) Yeah, I fucked up and you know what? I know in my heart, I got it. I'm a bull.
:'''Gordon''': Come on, Mr Bacon Man!
:'''Narrator''': While Robert tries again on the John Dory, Chef Ramsay is counting on Giovanni on the meat station to get out the first entrée of the night.
:''[Gordon checks on chicken special at the pass]''
:'''Gordon''': (with a chewed up piece of chicken) What is that?
:'''Scott''': Giovanni's best.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, Ben.
:'''Ben Walanka''': Chef?
:'''Gordon''': Is that a chewed up bit of chicken from the dog? Here. ''[gives the chicken to Ben]'' That's your special. Yeah, have a word with him, yeah? He's given up. Take all the garnish back, do whatever you wish with it. Your special has now become not very special thanks to dickface (Giovanni) there. Hurry up, Giovanni!
:'''Giovanni''': Yeah, but I'm not dickface, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, say that again?!
:'''Giovanni''': I said I'm not dickface, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, you're pissed, are you? Not as fucking- Look at me, '''LOOK AT ME IN THE EYES!!''' '''NOT AS PISSED AS '''''I''''' AM!! YOU '''''FUCKIN''''' ARE!! DONKEY!!'''
:'''Giovanni''': No.
:'''Ben''': (interview) Whooo! Boy, oh boy!
:'''Gordon''': Cause right now, I don't '''GIVE A FUCK!''' '''DICKFACE!'''
:'''Giovanni''': (interview) I'm an emotional person, but he can get in my face all he wants, he will not break me.
:'''Gordon''': You're sending shit, and you're trying to get away with it! Now I'm ''ready'' for an argument! SENDING ME THAT, YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED!!
:'''Robert''': (interview) You know, he just ''wants'' you to pop off.
:'''Gordon''': And you want to get all sensitive! You want to get all fucking negative! 
:'''Giovanni''': No, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Look at me, look at me, you send me shit like that, take your jacket and FUCK OFF!
:'''Giovanni''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': I'm not sending that shit, &quot;chef!&quot;
:'''Giovanni''': No, chef. Sorry, chef. (interview) I wasn't angry at him, I was angry at myself. It was just, I was boiling inside and... and he said something to me.
:'''Gordon''': That's the well done one. And look at me, I think you're too fucked to get upset with me, you don't give a fuck what I call you. This is not personal, this is professional! That personal was a piece of shit, now pull it back!!
:'''Giovanni''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': '''DICKFACE!'''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Giovanni, Robert! Hey Andrea, come here you! ''[gathers them at the corner]'' All three of you are pathetic! You (Giovanni) don't care...
:'''Giovanni''': I care, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You're (Robert) way behind, and you (Andrea) haven't got a fucking clue! Can we work together as a team?!
:'''Giovanni, Robert and Andrea''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Two wellington. One well-done! '''Get it ON!!!'''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Danny''': (interview) One station failed...
:'''Scott''': ''[Andrea's one pan catches fire]'' Pan's on fire! Pan's on fire!
:'''Danny''': ...and another station failed. It's no joke.
:'''Gordon''': We're going up in flames. ''[pick Andrea's pan]''
:'''Paula''': (interview) First night with the Black team, one big cluster fuck.
:'''Gordon''': Same shit, different day! (throws the pan into the sink)
:'''Scott''': ''[Ben's pan also catches fire]'' What about the rest of the table? We need cover-up.
:'''Gordon''': Dynamic six, yeah. My fucking ass. Fuck off the lot of you! ''[walks out of the kitchen and throws his towel away]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': ''[calls the five chefs back in the kitchen after Giovanni's elimination.]'' I just spent the last hour upstairs in my office thinking. It just doesn't make sense! How can the final six be so shit? I called you all down here because on the back of that performance, I'm now going to do something I have never ever done before. I'm shutting down Hell's Kitchen.

=== Episode Eleven [5.11] ===

:'''Narrator''': After a couple of days without any word on how Robert is doing, Chef Ramsay calls the chefs down for a meeting.
:'''Gordon''': So you're feeling fresh, very relaxed. Did you enjoy the whole atmosphere at the Borgata Resort?
:'''Danny''': Very much so.
:'''Ben''': Incredible, Chef.
:'''Gordon''': Sadly, you came back minus one individual. Clearly, you're all deeply concerned. I'm not going to tell you how he's doing, I'm going to let him tell you himself. Chef Robert.
:''[Robert appears and everyone applauds and smile]''
:'''Gordon''': Okay, big boy. Let me just say how pleased I am to see you.
:'''Robert''': Thank you.
:'''Gordon''': How are you feeling?
:'''Robert''': Not good.
:'''Gordon''': Ah?
:'''Robert''': Not good.
:''[Ben stops smiling.]''
:'''Gordon''': What did the medics say?
:'''Robert''': I have [[w:Pericarditis|pericarditis]], which is the swelling of the sac around the heart which leads to heart disease.
:''[Gordon shakes his head in dismay, Andrea and Paula fight back tears.]''
:'''Gordon''': Oh dear. Are you coming back?
:'''Robert''': No.
:'''Gordon''': No?
:''[Danny's face drops]''
:'''Robert''': I'm not coming back.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Ben has been struggling on the garnish station]''
:'''Gordon''': What's going, Ben? (gets no response) Oh, my God almighty! Oh, come on. Three Dory, two salmon, one chicken. (sees what Ben is doing) Why is he putting the lettuce there like that? He's trying to sauté it.
:'''Scott''': I don't know, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Look at the mess of this guy.
:'''Scott''': He throwing everything in a pot.
:'''Ben Walanka''': (interview) I was just absolutely... just mind-boggled.
:'''Gordon''': ''[picks up a pan and a piece of lettuce]'' You've got a pan here like that and you're throwing lettuce on top like that... ''you're shit.'' You are so shit, you don't realise what you're doing!
:'''Danny''': (interview) Oh, man Ben! Like, come on. You know better than that.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, come here a minute. Why are you doing this? You're just adding the lettuce to the tomato and cucumber, you're not sautéing the lettuce?
:'''Ben''': Chef, I was in a side pan s-sautéing the tomatoes and the cucumbers, chef. But I did it wrong, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, you're fuckin' up, you're cutting corners, and you're slipping big time! Do you know what? Do you know your biggest problem that'll always be the downfall of your career? You're full of fuckin' shit! 'cause every time you get fuckin' something wrong, you give a bullshit fuckin' excuse, but right now, I'm fed up with your bullshit excuses!
:'''Ben''': (interview) There's really nothing that I can do to please Chef Ramsay, and I'm slowly but surely being able to accept that.
:'''Gordon''': '''FUCK OFF!!'''
:'''Ben''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You're too dangerous to have on service. I asked you what you're doing, you said you're sautéeing tomatoes, ARE YOU '''FUNK! YOU DIRTY PIG! GET OUT!! GET OUT!!''' Un-fucking-believable!
:''[Ben walks into the pantry and bangs his head on the door]''
:'''Ben''': (interview) What the fuck is going on?! I–I'm very upset right now, but I don't give up. I'm a good cook, I know how to cook. You know, I feel like I need to really try and pull it together. ''[goes in the bathroom to wash his face]'' Okay, we're back. (interview) I certainly ain't leaving here without a fight. I'll tell you that.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Ben returns to the kitchen after a quick break]''
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, right. Hey, you! Come here you! What's going through your mind now? You still going to fucking butcher me and slice me and serve shit to them?
:'''Ben Walanka''': No, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Where's your fight, man?!
:'''Ben''': It's here, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Where is it?!
:'''Ben''': I got it, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Then wake up, you doughnut!
:'''Ben''': '''YES, CHEF!'''
[[Category:Hell's Kitchen seasons]]</text>
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:'''Seasons:'''  [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 1|1]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 2|2]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 3|3]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 4|4]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 5|5]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 6|6]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 7|7]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 8|8]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 9|9]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 10|10]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 11|11]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 12|12]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 13|13]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 14|14]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 15|15]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 16|16]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 17|17]] | '''[[Hell's Kitchen|Main]]'''
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&lt;br&gt;
'''''[[w:Hell's Kitchen (U.S.)|Hell's Kitchen]]''''' is an American cooking reality show based on [[w:Hell's Kitchen (UK)|the British program of the same title]], where Chef [[w:Gordon Ramsay|Gordon Ramsay]] puts aspiring chefs through different challenges and dinner services to decide who is the best.

=== Episode One [5.01] ===

:'''Gordon''': And the name of the dish is what?
:'''Danny''': Mahi Gone Bananas, chef.
:'''Gordon''': ''[tastes the dish]'' It looks like ''you've'' gone slightly bananas. It's hideous. Back in line. 
:'''Danny''': (interview) Ramsay's definitely just looking for a rise out of me, which he's going to eventually get.
:'''Gordon''': So the idea came from where?
:'''Danny''': I just pulled it out of my ass, sir.
:'''Gordon''': Put it back in there because it sucks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Who's cooked the diapers?
:'''Colleen''': No diapers, sir. That's chicken enchiladas with poblano cream sauce. My name's Colleen.
:'''Gordon''': Corinne.
:'''Colleen''': Colleen.
:'''Gordon''': Corinne.
:'''Colleen''': COL-leen.
:'''Gordon''': What do you do for a living?
:'''Colleen''': I am a culinary instructor and I own a recreational cooking school.
:'''Gordon''': And were you a trained chef before you set up a school?
:'''Colleen''': No, I am not a trained chef.
:'''Gordon''': So you're not a trained chef, yet you teach chefs to cook.
:'''Colleen''': That's correct.
:'''Gordon''': How much do you charge?
:'''Colleen''': 300 per three to four hours.
:'''Gordon''': Right. Look at the size of it.
:'''Colleen''': I feed big Nebraska boys. Would you like me to get you a bite?
:'''Gordon''': No, I'll bite it myself. ''[tries dish, spits it out]''
:'''Colleen''': Okay.
:'''Gordon''': You seriously charge $300 to teach people how to make that crap?
:'''Colleen''': Y–Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I feel like I need some plastic wrap on my arse.
:'''Colleen''': (interview) It was extremely difficult to just stand there and to keep my mouth shut! (to Gordon) I teach manners, too, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Say that again?
:'''Narrator''': Cooking instructor Colleen not only offered Chef Ramsay a dish he didn't care for, but an etiquette lesson as well.
:'''Gordon''': Okay, please, Miss Manners, fuck off back in line.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': It looks like lamb chops on a bed of ratatouille.
:'''Seth''': Uh, that's mine, chef. (interview) To be like Chef Ramsay is my dream. I've read his books, I've visited his restaurant in Manhattan. I think we have very similar styles.
:'''Gordon''': How long have you been cooking?
:'''Seth''': Fifteen years around.
:'''Gordon''': And what is it?
:'''Seth''': Cinnamon crusted rack of lamb with a(n) aubergine ratatouille.
:'''Gordon''': The ratatouille, what's in there?
:'''Seth''': Tomatoes, onion, tomato sauce, tomato paste.
:'''Gordon''': ''[spits out food]'' How come the aubergine's so sweet?
:'''Seth''': There's some honey, uh...
:'''Gordon''': Honey in a ratatouille? Uh, is that normal?
:'''Crowd''': No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': That's the worst dish I've ever tasted. ''[Seth laughs]'' Fifteen years to cook that shit and you're laughing. You could make history on being the fastest exit in Hell's Kitchen. And I'm fucking serious, you know that. Back in line. ''[Seth goes back in line]'' The quicker you understand how serious I am, the quicker you'll cook better.
:'''Seth''': I'll try harder next time, sir. (interview) I thought it looked all right. I think my presentation was good. I know it's a good dish. I got to prove to him that I can cook my ass off.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Lacey and Coi are arguing during prep. Gordon approaches Coi]''
:'''Gordon''': What's the matter?
:'''Coi''': This station is fucked... up.
:'''Lacey''': Come on, Coi.
:'''Coi''': (to Lacey) Don't say a fucking thing. (to Gordon) I come over here, there's nothing fucking done, chef. Nothing!
:'''Lacey''': (to Coi) Now why don't you tell him that you're threatening me.
:'''Gordon''': (to Coi and Lacey) Oh, wait. Right. I'm just about to open the doors, okay? Don't panic. I'm not asking you to be lovebirds, okay?
:'''Coi''': Absolutely.
:'''Gordon''': Calm down, get a grip and show me some form of composure, yes?
:'''Coi''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, my God!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': On order six covers, table 20. Two spaghetti, two scallops, one risotto, one Caesar. Entrées, three wellington, get them in!
:'''Robert''': ''[shouting over Gordon]'' Ben you guys, get going!
:'''Ben''': I'm coming! I'm coming!
:'''Gordon''': Hey you. Hey fuck-wit, Come here you. Come here! I'm calling out an order and you just shout over.
:'''Robert''': Sorry, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You fucking call out the order then. You fuck, FUCKING call out the order!
:'''Robert''': I need one Caesar, two scallops, one risotto and two spaghetti now! (interview) Yeah, give me the reins man! Let me drive this bitch!
:'''Gordon''': You fucking interrupt me again next time, you're going for an early bath.
:'''Robert''': Yes.
:'''Gordon''': A big one in the hot tub!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Gordon checks on scallops brought up by Danny]''
:'''Gordon''': Danny? Come here, that's you. Overcooked scallops, let's go. It's not exactly rocket science.
:'''Danny''': Well obviously, chef. ''[angrily slams his pan; [Gordon gives him a dirty look]''
:'''Gordon''': (to Danny) Hey you, come here you.
:'''Danny''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Okay, can you cook like a team member?
:'''Danny''': I'll wash their station and my station, chef.
:'''Gordon''': How about communicating with them?
:'''Danny''': I did, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Don't fucking dare start getting fucking pissed with me. Is that clear?
:'''Danny''': Chef, yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Good. NOW JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!!
:''[power supply shuts down]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Gordon looks for spaghetti in the Red kitchen]''
:'''Gordon''': Where's the other spaghetti? ''[notices Colleen starting a fresh spaghetti in a dirty pan]'' Madam, come here. ''[gets Colleen's pan]'' You're starting a fresh one in dirty pan!
:'''Colleen''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Oh!
:'''Colleen''': (interview) The pan that I've already used and I didn't have the chance to wipe it. I felt like an idiot.
:'''Gordon''': You teach people how to cook! ''[slams the pan down on her station]''
:'''Colleen''': We have no more pans, chef.
:'''Gordon''': ''[gets some pans from Andrea's station]'' Look! Pan, pan, pan!
:'''Colleen''': Thank you, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You're going to start a fresh spaghetti in a dirty pan! Holy crap!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': Seth is hoping to score high marks with his first entrée.
:'''Gordon''': Why's it all fucking mangled?
:'''Scott''': He didn't have it ready, and then he sliced it and seared all the chops.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, Forrest! Come here you.
:'''Seth''': (interview) Ramsay, he keeps calling me &quot;Forrest&quot; as in [[w:Forrest Gump|Forrest Gump]]. I think it's a great name!
:'''Gordon''': You didn't cook it properly temperature wise, so you decided to buckle it and bastardise it. Now you're really having a laugh, yeah?
:'''Ben''': (interview) Man, this poor lamb chop just got charred. No excuse for that first lamb.
:'''Gordon''': Would you get excited to come here and eat that shit?
:'''Seth''': Absolutely not.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, fuck off, will you?
:'''Seth''': (interview) Listen, I screwed up the lamb, but at the end of the service, Gordon and I will be like peas and carrots once again!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': It's two and a half hours into the dinner service, and while Colleen has finally mastered the spaghetti, she still has a lot to learn about risotto.
:'''Gordon''': Look! ''[returns to workstation and tastes the risotto]'' Hey!
:'''Colleen''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Taste!
:'''Colleen''': Yes, chef.
:''[Gordon spits out the risotto in disgust]''
:'''Gordon''': That's the risotto! That, quite frankly, is the worst risotto I've ever tasted in my entire cooking career. Why's it so sweet? Who put sugar in there?
:'''Colleen''': ''[holds up a pot of sugar]'' I grabbed this. I thought it was salt.
:'''LA''': (interview) Are you fucking kidding me?
:'''Gordon''': That... ''[throws the risotto in the trash]'' is shit! Oh, my God!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Mashed potatoes?
:'''Wil''': ''[brings his garnishes to the pass]'' Fuck!
:'''Gordon''': What are you doing, Wil?
:'''Wil''': Sorry, chef. I don't know if this is very hot. (to his team mates) You got a cold sizzle?
:'''Gordon''': Dear, oh dear! Wil!
:'''Wil''': Yes, chef?
:'''Gordon''': You're shit!
:'''Wil''': Yes, chef. I am.
:'''Gordon''': You are so shit, it's unbelievable!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Are you on the garnish now, Robert?
:'''Robert''': I just want to help him out [Wil], chef.
:'''Gordon''': Charlie's on the garnish, Robert's on the garnish, yeah? And Wil is on planet cuckoo.
:'''Charlie''': (interview) Wil got thrown to the dogs on the garnish station. By the time I got around to help him, it was ugly.
:'''Gordon''': Wil, there's not one cook in the kitchen that hasn't been with you on the garnish tonight!
:'''Wil''': (interview) Being on the receiving end of Chef Ramsay's wrath...yeah, that sorta sucked. 
:'''Gordon''': Dear, oh dear, oh dear.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Garnish, please! (to Wil) What in the fuck are you two doing?
:'''Carol''': ''[interview; sees the customers leaving the kitchen]'' Oh no! When the customers got up and starting to walk out, I'm shocked.
:'''Gordon''': Let's go, 22!
:'''Waiter''': 22 just left.
:'''Gordon''': Twenty-two. 22 just left.
:'''Giovanni''': My table got up and left.
:'''Gordon''': ''[to Robert; tosses the plates to him]'' Hey! Hey, you! Hey, catch! THEY JUST LEFT! THEY JUST FUCKING LEFT!
:'''Giovanni''': The rest of tables got walked out.
:'''Lady''': Alright. Out of Hell's Kitchen.
:'''Gordon''': Switch it off! NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!! ''[goes to the red kitchen]'' Come here, all of you! ''[calls the blue team]'' Come here, all of you! Yeah, take a look at there! Pathetic, absolute embarrassment, utter crap! Clear down! CLEAR DOWN!!

=== Episode Two [5.02] ===

:'''Gordon''': The scallops are cooked, aren't they?
:'''Colleen''': Yes.
:'''Gordon''': Why are they still in the pan if they're cooked? They're going to be overcooked, you stupid cow! Oh, my God! Who cooked the scallops last service? Who was that?
:'''Lacey''': I did, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Come here, you! Come here! Show her how to cook a fucking scallop. Hey, by the way, she's not charging $300. Hey, this is free now. Free lesson! Stand back!
:'''Carol''': (interview) Colleen runs a cooking school, but she has no experience on the line and it clearly shows.
:'''Gordon''': (to Lacey) Teach madam [Colleen] here how to cook a fucking scallop!
:'''Lacey''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Shit!! Unbelievable!
:'''Lacey''': (interview) I almost felt honored in a weird way. (to Colleen) It's okay. It's alright.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': (to Ji) Is your ankle hurting?
:'''Ji''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, so's my fuckin' head. It's throbbin'.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Lacey brings Colleen's scallops to the pass]''
:'''Gordon''': Thank you, Lacey.
:'''Lacey''': You're welcome, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Colleen!! Do you see a difference? Pink in the middle, coloured both sides, yes?
:'''Colleen''': Yes, I do, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, did she charge you?
:'''Colleen''': (brief pause) No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, thank fuck for that. Let's go. God bless Nebraska.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Narrator''': Seth and Charlie have delivered their lobster spaghetti to the pass.
:''[Gordon checks the spaghetti; finds out that there's no lobster in it]''
:'''Gordon''': There's no fucking lobster in there.
:'''Scott''': Doesn't look like it, no.
:'''Narrator''': But, it's missing one key ingredient.
:'''Gordon''': ''[returns to the workstation and pushes a pan aside]'' Hey, fuck-wit! Come here you! Come here!
:'''Charlie''': What's this?
:'''Gordon''': There's no fucking lobster in it!
:'''Charlie''': Shit!!
:'''Gordon''': How can you give it to me with no lobster in there?!
:'''Charlie''': We're stupid, chef. Apologies.
:'''Gordon''': Wake up, Charlie!!
:'''Charlie''': Yes, chef! Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': And you [Seth], docile fucking idiot! What's the dish called?
:'''Seth''': Uhm... Uhm...
:'''Gordon''': Spaghetti of lobster!!
:'''Seth''': (interview) I feel like I just got hit by a train!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Gordon checks on salmon brought up by Colleen]''
:'''Gordon:''' Oh, my God! ''[returns to the workstation]'' Come here you. Hey, Coi, come here! Carol, Lacey, come here! (to Colleen) Away now, two Wellington, yes, one salmon and one John Dory. Where's the John Dory?
:'''Colleen:''' (brief pause) I don't have the John Dory.
:'''Gordon:''' You don't have it. Hey, look, come here. Hey, there you go, look at that. ''[holds up the salmon]'' Look, look, hold on, hey, don't run away. '''IT'S BLACK!''' On top of that, there's an added bonus. It's fucking raw in the middle.
:'''Colleen:''' Yes, chef.
:''[Gordon angrily throws the salmon away and kicks the bin]''
:'''Gordon:''' Fucking useless, fucking shit. You're not a cookery school teacher, are you? You're joking, aren't you?
:'''Colleen:''' No, I'm not joking, chef. I am a--
:'''Gordon:''' Tell me, tell me you're pomping yourself up to make yourself look good. You don't really have a cooking school?
:'''Colleen:''' No, chef, I own a cooking school. I have a business just like you do.
:'''Gordon:''' Your fucking business is not like my business. Hey, madam, let's get that fucking right.
:'''Colleen:''' You're right.
:'''Gordon:''' You're robbing people! You're a thief!! I'm concerned for the poor bastards that you've taken money off of!! ''[sees another piece of salmon burning]'' Hey, madam, lift that lid off, it looks black.
:'''Colleen:''' It IS black!
:'''Gordon''': Oh, 'GOD!!!'
:'''Colleen''': Both of them!
:'''Gordon:''' '''SHIT!''' [Gordon and Coi look physically shocked] '''SHIT! IT'S BLACK!'''
:'''Colleen:''' Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon:''' OH, MY GOD!!
:'''Carol:''' These are burning.
:'''Colleen:''' I know.
:'''Gordon:''' Hey, madam, madam! '''GET OUT!!''' Get on the raw bar. Lacey! LACEY! Get on the fish!
:'''Lacey:''' Yes, chef!
:'''Colleen:''' (interview) Chef Ramsay's definitely not going to break me. He can ask me to leave, he can kick me out of the kitchen, he can do all those things, but he's not going to break me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Gordon checks on salmon brought up by Giovanni]''
:'''Gordon''': Giovanni! ''[returns to the workstation]''
:'''Giovanni''': Yes, chef?
:'''Gordon''': Hey, all of you come here! ''[points to Danny]'' He's cooking his ass off, surrounded by five muppets, yeah? The temperature's perfect, and I get that bit of shit there, look. I got given that! Would you eat that? ''[throws the salmon to Seth]'' Go on, eat it, eat it. (to Seth) Would you eat that?
:'''Seth''': No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': (to Giovanni) Would you eat that?
:'''Giovanni''': No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': ''[comes up to Giovanni]'' Hey, you can be pissed off. You got every fucking right to be pissed off. You know that, yes?
:'''Giovanni''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Fucking '''RAW'''!!
:'''Giovanni''': (interview) I've never had a chef come that close to me in my life. He can yell at me from across the kitchen, he doesn't have to get 2 inches away from my face.

=== Episode Three [5.03] ===
''[during the meat labelling challenge, with both teams both having five correct labels so far]''
:'''Seth''': (interview) Meat is one of my fortes. I definitely had six, seven out of eight without even looking.
:'''Ben''': Ring the bell, ring the bell. Go for it!
:''[Seth lightly taps the bell]''
:'''Gordon''': I can't hear that!
:'''Ben''': Ring the fucking bell!
:''[Seth hits the bell harder]''
:'''Gordon''': Seven wrong for blue, let's go.
:'''Charlie''': Holy shit! We're working backwards!
:'''J''': (interview) SETH, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!
:'''Narrator''': Seth's poor performance has set the men back. Now Lacey has a golden opportunity to redeem herself with her team.
:'''Carol''': Come on, Lacey!
:'''Lacey''': (interview) It's my chance to show my team that I can step up, and that I deserve to be here.
:'''Colleen''': Come on! We can do this!
:'''LA''': Move it, Lacey!
:'''Andrea''': (interview) Lacey was just moving things around for the feeling that she was doing something, and you know what, that's no different to how she is in the kitchen.
:''[Robert rings the men's bell]''
:'''Gordon''': Six wrong.
:'''Narrator''': Robert has only improved on Seth by one.
:'''Carol''': (to Lacey) Come on, let's go! Come on, come on, come on, come on!
:''[Lacey rings the bell]''
:'''Gordon''': Okay... (sees that Lacey has placed the &quot;bottom round&quot; label near one of the model cow's front legs) BOTTOM ROUND?! WHAT DOES &quot;BOTTOM&quot; MEAN? One, two, three, four, five, six wrong! Dear oh dear!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Why aren't the shrimp on? Get them on! Come on, Charlie.
:'''Charlie''': Sorry, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Unbelievable. A Caesar salad and we're in the shit! ''[spots that Charlie's cooking cloth has caught fire]'' Your cloth's on fire! YOUR CLOTH'S ON FIRE!
:'''J''': (interview) Charlie, wake the fuck up, man.
:'''Gordon''': Get it in the water please, Scott, before he burns the place down.
:'''Charlie''': I'm doing my best, chef.
:'''Scott''': (throws the cloth in the sink) If that's your best, you might want to rethink your best a little bit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Narrator''': It's thirty minutes into dinner service, and Ben is trying to impress Chef Ramsay with his speed. 
:'''Ben''': ''[bringing some chocolate brownie desserts to the pass]'' Coming down with desserts. Coming down with desserts... 
:'''Narrator''': Unfortunately, having dessert ready before the appetizers is not exactly what Chef Ramsay had in mind. 
:'''Gordon''':  Dick-head, put them down. ''[calls entire team]'' Hey, all of you, come here. Ben's now bringing me a chocolate fucking brownie. ''[tosses one dessert on the counter]'' WHAT'S GOING ON?! 
:'''Seth''': (interview) I didn't know what was going on, but he brought up dessert four minutes in. I mean, I've done some stupid shit, but that's embarrassing. 
:'''Gordon''': So, let's do it this way, then. There you go. ''[puts the desserts on the pass]'' Ben wants to serve a chocolate brownie before we serve the appetisers. 
:'''Ben''': No, chef. 
:'''Gordon''': What are you ''dreaming'' on?! Are you ''stupid''?! 
:'''Ben''': No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You've got cheesecake made as well! 
:'''Ben''': Yes, chef. 
:'''Gordon''': We've trashed six desserts before we've sent out fucking appetisers! 
:'''Ben''': It was my fault, chef. (interview) It was my mistake for not exactly knowing Chef Ramsay's terminologies, but fuck me if the words &quot;pick&quot; and &quot;up&quot; don't mean &quot;give you the desserts!&quot; 
:'''Gordon''': Have you been drinking or sniffing? 
:'''Ben''': No, chef. No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Look at me: Go upstairs for a lie-down. 
:'''Ben''': No, no, chef! 
:'''Gordon''': Go upstairs for a lie-down! ''[leads Ben out of the kitchen, then walks away]'' Useless. Absolutely useless. ''[a couple of seconds pass, then Ben quickly returns into the kitchen]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Lacey returns a Caesar salad to the pass]''
:'''Gordon''': What's the matter?
:'''Lacey''': She just didn't know if there were anchovies on it.
:'''Gordon''': You got what you asked for.
:'''Lacey''': I know, chef.
:'''Gordon''': So what did you fuck up? I know you find this is, yeah I know you laugh and it's funny.
:'''Lacey''': I'm not laughing! I'm trying not to cry.
:'''Gordon''': You're fucking worse than [[:w:Britney Spears|Britney Spears]], you jumped-up bitch!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[Carol returns to the pass with filet mignon]''
:'''Carol''': They say they want to brighten it up a little bit, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Giovanni, Robert come here! Robert, bounce your way down here. Let's go. ''[portions the beef]'' (pounds the counter) Touch it! Touch it!
:'''Giovanni and Robert''': It's cold.
:'''Gordon''': '''FUCKING SHIT!!''' ''[throws the beef away]'' It's still walking, that fucking piece of beef!
:'''Danny''': (interview) It pisses me off. We have the executive chef of a steakhouse running our grill. Wake up, get it together and put out some decent food.
:'''Gordon''': Giovanni!
:'''Giovanni''': Yes, chef?
:'''Gordon''': Thank fuck I've never been to your steakhouse! It's fucking blue!
:'''Giovanni''': Yes, chef!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Narrator''': With just 30 minutes left, Jean Phillippe is looking for Lacey.
:'''Jean Phillippe''': Table 23. The Table you forgot.
:'''Lacey''': I have to go up there and tell them to fire it?
:'''Jean Phillippe''': Who el...Who else is going to do it?
:'''Lacey''': Jean Phillipe I never waited table before!!!
:'''Jean Phillippe''': (Gobbles) Can you just go and ask the chef to fire It (Trying to do Lacey Voice), (Gobbles)
:'''Lacey''': I need the main course for 23 fired. Thanks Chef.
:'''Gordon''': Hey Madam (Lacey), We just taking the order in now??? Why did it take so long???
:'''Jean Phillippe''': She forgot the Table.
:'''Gordon''': (Shakes Head and angrily swats Lacey away)
:'''Lacey''': Yeah, &quot;Fuck off with me!&quot; I know.
:'''Gordon''': (To the Blue Team) Lacey forgot the ORDER!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[after Seth's attempt at butchering the filet mignon, Ramsay has discovered a huge amount of wasted meat]''
:'''Gordon''': Hey, all of you, here! Quickly! There's the filet, yes? Look at the fucking waste! ''[empties the waste onto the counter; the amount of waste is nearly as big as the remaining filet. Seth looks confused, while the other team members look horrified]'' That's what he took off, and there's the filet. LOOK AT THE FILET!
:'''Giovanni''': (interview) He molested that poor thing! People have gone to jail for worse, but it looked like he went at it with a jackhammer.
:'''Gordon''': ''[hurls the offcuts to Seth]'' We've fucking WASTED the most expensive part! LOOK AT IT! What are you going to do, get daddy to buy you a new one?
:'''Narrator''': With only fifteen minutes of dinner service left, Seth has butchered the filet. And possibly the Blue Team's hope of winning dinner service.
:'''Gordon''': How can you do that?
:'''Seth''': I never butchered a filet before chef.
:'''Gordon''': Congratulations, you just have.
:'''Seth''': ''[smiles]'' Thanks, yes... 
:'''Gordon''': Hey, hey smartass - not in the right way, you fucking bozo!
:'''Seth''': (interview) I don't think I did that bad, butchering that filet, but now I'll know for next time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[two minutes remain of the Blue team's half of the service]''
:'''Gordon''': Where's the New York strip?!
:'''Giovanni''': Chef, I'm four minutes away!
:'''Gordon''': Oh, my God. SWITCH IT OFF!! We're now over two hours, he (Giovanni) fucks the filet! (to Charlie) The shrimps go down! (to Ben Walanka) This dick sent me dessert before the appetisers! ''[throws his apron]'' Fuck off! (to Jean-Philippe) Jean-Philippe, shut it down, yes? Two hours over. Clear down!!!
:'''Robert''': (interview; tonight was originally planned to have been his wedding) I've embarrassed myself, my family, my girlfriend. ''[throws his buff off angrily]''
:''[Customers are leaving Hell's Kitchen]''
:'''Ben Walanka''': Here we go. Here comes the pain.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Where's the four Caesar salad, two shrimp?
:'''Colleen''': Coming chef. These were two, one and one.
:'''Gordon''': Where's the fucking four I asked for?
:'''Coi''': Four Caesar salad, two shrimp!
:'''Gordon''': (to Colleen) Hey!
:'''Colleen''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You're doing this on purpose.
:'''Colleen''': No I'm not, I swear. You said two. One and one.
:'''Gordon''': Look at me! Look at me! Four fucking salads.
:'''Colleen''': (interview) There's always the person in your life that's being grumpy and you know not being nice. Then there is one that Chef Ramsay whose the arrogant vicious attack dog.  
:'''Gordon''': (to Colleen) Hey, Madam, you're fucking pathetic!
:'''Colleen''': Yes, chef.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Four salad, three shrimp, one plain! (Colleen) Oh no, come here! What's going?
:'''Colleen''': Four Caesar salad, three shrimp, one plain!
:'''Gordon''': One more!
:'''Colleen''': Four Caesar salad chef, three shrimp, one plain!
:'''Gordon''': One more!
:'''Colleen''': Four Caesar salad chef, three shrimp, one plain!
:'''Gordon''': And last time!
:'''Colleen''': Four Caesar salad chef, three...
:'''Gordon''': (visibly shocked) Oh, m - OHH, GOD!
:'''Colleen''': ... SHRIMP, ONE PLAIN!
:'''Gordon''': Oh you fucking - hoo, shit! She's not normal... she can not be normal...
:'''Lacey''': (interview) My God! Colleen, if we lose tonight and I go home, I swear to God, I hope you can't sleep at night because you deserve to go home more than I.

=== Episode Four [5.04] ===
:'''Colleen''': How could we lose with cheerleaders on our side? Yeah! V, V-I, V-C-I-T-O-R-Y! (a caption reading &quot;Vcitory???&quot; appears)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[The Blue Team have lost the challenge and Ben believes that Danny was responsible for it even though it fell on Seth]''
:'''Ben''': Imma tell you one thing. I don't like fucking losing and Danny, I was over there helping you then I jumped over to eggs.
:'''Danny''': You should've been on eggs the whole time.
:'''Ben''': You were the one drowning on the pancakes buddy, that is correct.
:'''Danny''': Look you gave me a hand walking up pancakes and thank you for that.
:'''Ben''': Wait a minute Danny, ''[J laughs]'' come on man are you serious right now?
:'''Danny''': What? You-you helped me plate some pancakes and I appreciate it, thank you, I-I'm not a-
:'''Ben''': It's cool.
:'''Danny''': I'm not a hero here, I never said I was.
:'''J''': You said that earlier, you said you were the best cook.
''[Flashbacks to Gordon asking who the Blue Team's best cook is with Danny calling himself the Blue Team's best cook]''
:'''Danny''': I am obviously the best cook on the team.
:'''Ben''': You want to hear something dude, I will put circles around you! I will circle you like a fucking moon!
:'''Danny''': Where have you been?
:'''Giovanni''': Hey, hey come on! Danny, come on! Hey, Ben!
:'''Ben''': ''[over Giovanni]'' Are you joking me? You couldn't cook my cock!
''[The women walk past as Danny and Ben's argument starts escalating]''
:'''Giovanni''': Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
:'''Ben''': Are you joking me? I AM SO FUCKING-
:'''Danny''': Where have you been!? 
:'''Giovanni''': ''[stands between Danny and Ben]'' Be quiet! Quiet! Quiet!
:'''Ben''': We'll see you on garnish.
:'''Danny''': Shut the fuck up.
:'''Ben''': I mean- you know what, I need two minutes, I need two minutes bro.
:'''Danny''': Take your two minutes Bro because I haven't seen you kitchen yet.
:'''Giovanni''': HEY! 
:'''Danny''': Where have you been!?
:'''Ben''': ''[heads down to the patio]'' (interview) Danny's ego is getting the better of him and he needs to come back down on this planet.
:'''Danny''': YOU'VE GOTTEN A COMPLIMENT YET BEN!!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon''': On order: Four covers, Table 4. Two risotto, one spaghetti, one Caesar. 
:'''Blue Team''': Yes, Chef! 
:'''Danny''': (to Giovanni) Is it [the water] boiling? 
:'''Gordon''': How long? 
:'''Giovanni''': I'm waiting for the water to boil, Chef. 
:'''Gordon''': You expect me to tell Jean-Philippe we're waiting for your water to boil?! 
:'''Giovanni''': Oh, I'm sorry. 
:'''Ben''': (interview) Oh, man, Gio. How do you expect to cook pasta in water that's not boiling? 
:'''Gordon''': Hey, look at me! There's no olive oil in there, the water's not seasoned, it's not even ''boiling''! 
:'''Giovanni''': (interview) Oh, that was my fault. I didn't check my equipment. It won't happen again, that's for sure. 
:'''Gordon''': Let's go, Giovanni, let's go! Oh, my God...
:'''Narrator''': While Giovanni is in hot water, over in the Red kitchen, Coi is trying to get ahead.
:''[Gordon notices Coi cooking pasta]''
:'''Gordon''': (to Coi) Why are you cooking spaghetti? We haven't even fired it! DAMN!!
:'''Coi''': Fuck!
:'''Gordon''': Why?!
:'''Coi''': I'm sorry, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I can't believe this!! Why can't you just drop it to order?!
:'''Coi''': I will, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Tell me why you can't!!
:'''Coi''': I'm just trying to get ahead, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You can't get ahead! You're not that good!
:'''Coi''': (interview) I was trying to take so many steps ahead, so I'm kicking myself in the ass so, if I would have listened better, he wouldn't be screaming at me.
:'''Gordon''': Coi? Put some more spaghetti in to make yourself...
:'''Coi''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, I'm joking you stupid cow!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Jean-Philippe returns to the pass with Caesar salad]''
:'''Gordon''': What's going on on there?
:'''Jean-Philippe''': That's from, uhm, table 20 blue.
:''[Gordon checks the salad, then finds a butt of lettuce in it]''
:'''Gordon''': Hey, ALL OF YOU! COME HERE! Who dressed the Caesar salad?
:'''J''': I did chef. ''[Gordon shows the butt of lettuce to the members]'' (whispering) Jesus Christ!
:''[Gordon returns the butt of lettuce to the plate and violently throws the plate onto the floor]''
:'''Gordon''': Oi, bozo! Are you fucking stupid?!
:'''J''': No, chef, I'm not. (interview) J feels like a jackass because of that freaking lettuce. I should have seen it, it's a disgrace. It really is.
:'''Gordon''': Did you see that?
:'''J''': I did not, Chef. If I saw it, I would never put it in there.
:'''Giovanni''': (interview) Pretty hard to believe that butt of lettuce went out there. It's pretty hard to miss that big lettuce when you try to toss it in a small salad.
:'''Gordon''': Un-fucking-believable.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Gordon checks on lamb brought up by Ben Walanka]''
:'''Gordon''': Come here! All of you, come here! Put it down! (to Ben) Put it fucking down! What is that?
:'''Ben Walanka''': Lamb chop, sir.
:'''Gordon''': Lamb chop, yeah? Eat it. (gives the lamb to Ben and he eats it) Happy now? Now it's getting thinner and thinner and thinner. Look, there's another one that's ripped to fuck there now. Too thin, cowboy! 
:'''Robert''': (interview) I'm like. &quot;Oh, why are sending that out?&quot; It looked like a piece of carppacio on a bone, man.
:'''Gordon''': (to Ben) How can someone so fucking fat slice something so fucking thin?!
:'''Ben Walanka''': Sorry, chef. It won't happen again, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I wouldn't even serve that to my fucking dog!
:'''Ben Walanka''': I'll fix it right now, chef.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
;''[Colleen brings her wellingtons to the pass]''
:'''Gordon''': Hey, stay here you. Three Wellingtons, you brought me four. One medium, one medium-well, one well done. Where's the medium one? 
:'''Colleen''': The medium one's here, Chef. 
:'''Gordon''': Where's the medium-well? 
:'''Colleen''': The medium-well's here, Chef. 
:'''Gordon''': Where's the well done one, then? 
:'''Colleen''': It's right here, Chef. 
:'''Gordon''': So what the fuck is this one?
:'''Colleen''': I don't know. 
:'''Gordon''': You don't know. That's funny, isn't it? A little &quot;Ha-ha,&quot; &quot;Tee-hee,&quot; and &quot;God Bless Nebraska?&quot; 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon:''' On order, four covers, table three. One scallops, one spaghetti, one risotto, one caesar...
:'''Seth:''' (to Giovanni) Bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon!
:'''Gordon''': Entrées: One Dory, one chicken, one lamb, one wellington.
:'''Giovanni''': It's coming.
:'''Seth:''' Right here.
:'''Gordon:''' Seth! SETH!
:'''Seth''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Come here! What did I just call out?
:'''Seth:''' ''[wiping his face with a cloth]'' I... I don't know, chef.
:'''Gordon:''' Yeah, I know you don't know because you weren't even fucking prepared to listen. No wonder you're struggling.
:''[Seth uses the same cloth he just wiped his face with to clean a pan, then wipes his face with it again]''
:'''Gordon:''' What is he doing? Hey you, hey you, come here... ''[takes the cloth from Seth, and looks at him in disgust]''
:'''Seth:''' Sorry, chef.
:'''Gordon:''' I just watched you wipe your face and then wipe the pan. If this one's for your fucking nose, where's your cooking cloth?
:'''Seth:''' Uh, I'll get one, chef.
:'''Gordon:''' ''[throws the cloth back to Seth]'' Fuck off will you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[after Jean-Philippe returned to the pass with more food, Gordon has had it]''
:'''Gordon''': (disappointed) What is going on? Oh no! Oh! ''[cuts to Coi accidentally dropped her spaghetti on her station]'' Fuck off - oh, no! Shit! Look at that! You, guy! (Robert) Come here, you fat fuck! Come here! All of you, come here! COME HERE! Hey, hey, look at me. You are pathetic. NO-ONE'S won! Fuck off, both teams, start thinking about two of you to fucking go home! (to Coi) You, pathetic! I don't want anymore! (to Ben) I don't want to wait for your shit anymore, (to Danny) I don't want your shit anymore, (to Seth) I don't want you drying your face, and then fucking cooking with a cloth, '''YOU SCUMMY FUCKER! GET OUT!!''' ''[all chefs exited the kitchen except Ben; he approaches him]'' GET OUT!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Something's really bugging me, you know that? And I can't stop thinking about it and here's why. If a customer goes out for dinner and their steak is overcooked or undercooked, it gets redone. And they move on and enjoy the evening. But if a customer goes out for dinner and they get served a butt of lettuce, that's how reputations get destroyed in minutes, ''[to J]'' butt-head! 

=== Episode Five [5.05] ===

''[Gordon asks for wellingtons in the Red kitchen]''
:'''Gordon''': Where's the wellington, please?
:'''Andrea''': Chef, I'm re-firing the wellington. The bottom's burning.
:'''Gordon''': ''[begins searching]'' Where's the medium-well wellington?
:'''Andrea''': I'm putting projector paper.
:'''Gordon''': ''[finds that Andrea has hid her burnt meat underneath her station]'' Oh, shut up you, yeah? Shut up. What is this? ''[starts getting the meat]''
:'''Andrea''': They burned. I'm not quite sure why.
:'''Gordon''': Watch. There you go, look. (to the members) Hey, come here! Oy, oy, oy! There you go. There you go. There--Oh, dear! ''[throws a burnt wellington against the refrigerator]'' Fucking pile of shit!!
:'''Andrea''': (interview) I'm screwed. I'm fucking screwed.
:'''Gordon''': Anything else you hid? What else did you hid?!
:'''Andrea''': No, chef. That's it, chef.
:'''Gordon''': That's it? Is it?! WHY'D YOU DO IT?!
:'''Andrea''': Trying to get it together, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I just don't-- I just don't understand it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Jean-Philippe returns to the pass with dessert]''
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Red, [Table] 53. Tanya Steel.
:'''Gordon''': Not done? (returns to the workstation) There you go. Now I've had enough. ''[slams the plate on the stove]'' Come here! There you go. (to Carol; gives her a piece of pear) Take a bite and pass it along. (to LA) LA, wake up, yeah?
:'''Coi''': It's hard as a fucking rock.
:'''Gordon''': Raw pastry, raw pear. That's her! ''[kicks a bin]''
:'''Andrea''': (interview) Chef Ramsay wasn't kidding when he said it was raw. It was raw. That's just, &quot;Sorry. Poor judgement.&quot;
:'''Gordon''': (to Colleen) You didn't know that's raw pastry with a raw pear?
:'''Colleen''': No, chef.
:'''Andrea''': (interview) Everybody else was just looking around like, &quot;You've got to be kidding me.&quot;
:'''Gordon''': Un-fucking-believable! ''[goes to the blue kitchen and sits in fetal position]''
:'''Narrator:''' Tonight, dinner service has totally collapsed.
:'''Gordon:''' Oh, Christ almighty! Two and a half hours of bullshit.
:'''Narrator''': And Chef Ramsay is at the end of his rope.
:'''Gordon''': (to Jean-Philippe; after returning to the pass with raw desserts) Oh fuck off! I'm... I've had enough! ''[goes to the red kitchen]'' Hey, when I say, I've had enough! I've had enough! Stoves off! ''[calls both teams]'' Come here! That was pathetic! And you were absolutely useless! CLEAR DOWN! I can't take it anymore! It's been the worst performance so far! '''SWITCH IT FUCKING OFF!!!''' ''[throws his spoon away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon:''' There was no place in the kitchen I could put Colleen where she wasn't a disaster. It's time for her to go back to where she belongs, teaching. Because she certainly can't cook.

=== Episode Six [5.06] ===

:'''Narrator''': As the Blue Team heads to the spa for a day of pampering... 
:'''J''': ''Off to the spa we go...'' 
:'''Narrator''': ...Back in the dining room, Max's mom lets J.P. know that he'll be working with someone to plan the party. 
:'''Brenda''': This gentleman is very recommended. 
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Yes. 
:'''Brenda''': So, um... 
:'''Francisco''': ''Bonjour'', darling! 
:'''Brenda''': Oh, here he is now. 
:'''Narrator''': ...Someone he knows all too well. 
:'''Francisco''': Oh, it's so good to see you! ''[hugs J.P.]'' I'm so happy to be here. Are you thrilled to see me? 
:'''Brenda''': Alright, well, see you tomorrow. 
:'''Francisco''': Thank you. 
:'''Jean-Philippe''': (to Francisco) Listen, you. You are not interfering with my job. 
:'''Francisco''': I respect your boundaries. 
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Alright, I'll do my thing, and then you do your little thing. 
:'''Francisco''': &quot;My little thing.&quot; Oh, it will be so happy.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Good. 
:'''Francisco''': Oh, here they [the Red Team] come. 
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Ladies, ladies, ladies, we've done a few parties in the past with Francisco. 
:'''Francisco''': I'm so excited to be here, this is so ''fabulous''! ''[the ladies laugh]'' Wait until you see what we're doing. We are going to go up, up, and away with beautiful balloons, all around. It's going to be so festive! 
:'''Coi''': (interview) Oh, Francisco's just fabulous, all the way around.
:'''Francisco''': We have twinkly centerpieces on all of the tables... 
:'''Andrea''': (laughing) Twinkly! 
:'''Coi''': (interview) It's the way he talks, it's the way he dresses, everything. He's fabulous. 
:'''Francisco''': We are going to make this the most beautiful ''sports arena''! 
:'''LA''': (interview) I'm gay, that dude is '''parade''' gay.

=== Episode Seven [5.07] ===

:'''Giovanni''': How long for the risotto and pasta?
:'''Paula''': Plating up the pasta right now.
:'''Andrea''': How's your risotto?
:'''Carol''': I'm going. I'm going.
:'''Gordon''': Where's the risotto?
:'''Carol''': Right here chef.
:'''Gordon''': Carol!
:'''Carol''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': ''[tastes the risotto then spits it out]'' Taste that rice, taste the rice. It's like mush! Show me the rice.
:'''Carol''': Right here.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, my God! It's overcooked! It's like mush! Who cooked the rice?
:''[flashback to when J cooked the rice for both teams, pouring two boxes into one pan]''
:'''Andrea''': The blue team.
:'''Gordon''': The blue team? What? ''[goes over to the blue kitchen]'' Oh, come here you, all of you! Who cooked this rice?
:'''J''': I did, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Look at it, J! How can you do that, J? ''[hurls the rice in the trash]'' ''J!'' For both teams?
:'''J''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Aw, fucking hell! Oh, come on! You can't do this!
:'''Lacey''': (interview) The risotto was mushy, clumpy and nasty, and it definitely was not a good way to start the evening.
:'''Gordon''': It's mush! Did you cook it all in the same pan?
:'''J''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, fuck me! Oh, come on, fuck off J!
:'''J''': I'll get a pot on, chef. (interview) That pissed off Chef Ramsay, and I really didn't need that, because he's been riding me hard the past couple of days.
:'''Gordon''': (to Jean-Philippe) Jean-Philippe, stop the risotto, yeah? (to J) J! I can't believe you just screwed the service in both kitchens!
:'''Robert''': (interview) J, you're my friend and I like you a lot, but today, you fucking suck, man.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Jean-Philippe returns to the pass with pasta]''
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Pasta undercooked, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Is it?
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Yeah, it's really undercooked, chef.
:'''Gordon''': (to Carol) Hey, you, madam. The pasta's raw! Who's running the appetisers?
:'''Carol''': I am, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Well, then run it, then! Does she [Andrea] wipe your arse?
:'''Carol''': No, chef. (interview) I get fucking yelled at because this stupid bitch can't fucking cook?! What the hell is up with that?! (to Ramsay) There's must be some mix-in because it's...
:'''Gordon''': What?! Why aren't you tasting?
:'''Carol''': I was tasting it chef.
:'''Gordon''': So you tasted it and you knew it's raw, yet you still sent it!
:'''Carol''': (interview) That stupid bitch doesn't fucking say anything when Chef Ramsay's yelling at me, '''FUCK THIS SHIT!'''
:'''Gordon''': Madam, come here you mouthy little bitch! You [Andrea] come here!
:'''Andrea''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': (to Jean-Philippe) Hey, give me that table out there! (to Carol and Andrea) And sit on that table and eat that! Both of you, fuck off out there! It's not undercooked, it's raw! RAW, Carol! ''[gets ticket from Jean-Philippe]''
:'''Andrea''': (to Carol) Let's eat it. Yeah, let's get this fucking over with.
:'''Gordon''': (to Carol and Andrea) Hey, you're not coming back to this clear until you let me know how it tastes!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Narrator''': While Carol and Andrea chew on their mistakes, in the blue kitchen, J is hoping to redeem himself.
:'''Gordon''': (with a piece of undercooked salmon) J! Come on, then! Look, it's still stone-cold. Back in the oven! Fucking hell...
:'''Ben''': J, I know you're busy, buddy, but how long on the salmon, my man?
:'''J''': Five minutes.
:'''Robert''': Give me the tuna!
:'''Ben''': He said four minutes out. Can you make it four?
:'''Gordon''': Everything you've touched tonight, so far, has been screwed.
:'''Robert''': (interview) J just lost his shit, man. He was just clamming up, didn't take control. He was burning the seafood, he was sending raw seafood.
:'''Gordon''': That's called burnt salmon, not seared salmon!
:'''Robert''': (interview) It takes a real good chef to recover. (to J) You can really turn this around if you want to.
:'''J''': I know.
:'''Robert''': Wipe your face, wipe your face. ''[J wipes his face with his sleeve]'' With a rag!
:'''Gordon''': J, where's the salmon?
:'''J''': Coming around. Right here, chef.
:'''Gordon''': ''[finds out that the salmon is overdone]'' Hey, bozo, SAUCE!! Come here, you. Put that down, come here, you. Come here, you! Get in there! GET IN!
''[leads J into the pantry and slams the door]''
:'''J''': Fuck!
:'''Gordon''': WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!
:'''J''': I'm here, chef.
:'''Gordon''': It's not good enough, J!
:'''J''': I know, chef. I got no fucking excuse.
:'''Gordon''': What's the matter with you?!
:'''J''': I don't know. I'll fucking turn it on right now, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I can't fucking go any further! Please, wake up!
:'''J''': Yes, chef!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon''': I've got sauce on one, and two Dory on. LA?
:''[LA is standing still and staring into space]''
:'''Paula''': (interview) It's almost like LA was half-asleep or something.
:'''Gordon''': Come on, LA!
:'''Gloria''': Come on! LA, wake up! Are you sleeping?!
:'''LA''': No, I'm...
:'''Gordon''': She's dreaming. Come on, ''(voice cracks)'' more sauce, you silly cow!
:'''LA''': (interview) He called me a cow. For the first time.
:'''Gordon''': Don't cook all the fucking Dory in one pan unless you're boiling them, yes?
:'''LA''': Yes, chef. (interview) In the real world, you wouldn't have someone yelling at you like that. You wouldn't have someone calling you a cow, a bitch. You wouldn't. 'Cos if someone in the real world called you a cow or a bitch, you would walk up to them and sock them in the head.
:'''Gordon''': How long for the beef, please?
:'''LA''': 30 seconds chef.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Narrator''': As LA tries to get up to speed, over in the blue kitchen...
:'''Gordon''': J! Where's the other scallop?
:'''J''': Right here, chef.
:''[J brings the scallops to the pass; they're badly overcooked]''
:'''Gordon''': Have you seen this shit?
:'''Scott''': Disastrous, isn't it?
:'''Gordon''': I have had enough. ''[calls the blue team]'' Come here, you! Leave it, PUT THAT DOWN! You, come here! You come here!
:'''Ben''': Yes, chef.
[the team members gather around the pass]
:'''Gordon''': What is that? What IS that? What is that? That's us at our best, WHAT IS IT?! Wait, it gets better! Look, touch that!
:'''Ben''': It's rubber, chef.
:Gordon: T-Oh, my GOD! Unbelievable-- ''[J goes to touch one of the scallops, and Ramsay knocks his hand away]'' No, no no no no! NO! GET OUT! '''OUT, OUT, OUT!''' GET OUT! '''OUT, GET OUT!''' Take your jacket off, and fuck off!!
:'''J''':  (interview) I guess I don't belong here, so... I'll be going home. I'm here for a reason, and it's my boy and my wife, so of course I'm disappointed. It was a tough day. (in the dorms) Oh...that's fucked up bro. (interview) My dream when I came to Hell's Kitchen was to win. So, uh, now it's time to move on and get my own restaurants going. You know, I don't need Chef Ramsay's opinion anymore, I've got it. ''[entering the taxicab]'' Tomorrow's another day! Let's do it. (interview) It's time for J Maxwell to do his own thing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Where are the Wellingtons?
:'''Ben Walanka''': Five and a half minutes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I'm watching you like a fucking hawk.
:'''Ben Walanka''': I know you are, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You know why? Do you know why?
:'''Ben Walanka''': I don't-I don't know, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I want you out. You're not cutting it. You're dreaming.
:'''Ben Walanka''': (interview) It hurts. It hurts when someone goes at you like that.
:'''Gordon''': Stop! Stop, stop, stop! Put that down. ''[finds that Ben has put fresh Wellingtons in a tray filled with burnt bits of pastry]'' Oh, my god! Look! Look!
:'''Danny''': (interview) Ben was struggling, just getting beat up by chef. Ben's just like J, in dinner service he just falls apart.
:'''Gordon''': Come here, you! Get in there, get in! ''[Gordon leads Ben into the pantry]'' What's your fucking game?
:'''Ben Walanka''': No game, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Tell me something straight. What are you doing?
:'''Ben Walanka''': Chef, I'm doing everything I can...
:'''Gordon''': Why are you putting them on a dirty tray?
:'''Ben Walanka''': Chef, only because I was doing Wellington on them before, and I could not find any more...
:'''Gordon''': And that's good enough for you?
:'''Ben Walanka''': No, it's not, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Is it fucked?
:'''Ben Walanka''': It's not. I don't want to do it in a...
:'''Gordon''': YOU DIRTY PIG!
:'''Ben Walanka''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': CLEAN THE FUCKING TRAY!!
:'''Ben Walanka''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': One more, and you're fucking history. GET IN!
:'''Ben Walanka''': (interview) Today, it took everything I had not to go up in my little coccoon. I just had to push forward.
:'''Gordon''': DIRTY PIG!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Robert''': (to Lacey) I swear to God if you win this I will hang up my coat and become a crack whore!

=== Episode Eight [5.08] ===

:''[Lacey's meat pan catches fire; Gordon approaches her station]''
:'''Gordon''': Leave it! Fucking hell, what is that?!
:'''Lacey''': Wha-I...
:'''Gordon''': What is that, I said! Look at it! It's on fire!
:'''Danny''': Is this your well-done?
:'''Lacey''': (tearfully) I don't know.
:'''Ben''': (interview) She was lost. ''[in mockery of Lacey]'' &quot;I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON HERE, HUHU!!&quot;
:'''Gordon''': What's the matter with you?!
:'''Lacey''': I CAN'T COOK MEAT, CHEF!
:'''Gordon''': What do you mean you can't cook meat?!
:'''Lacey''': Obviously I'm weak and confused...
:'''Gordon''': Hey madam, madam! Get out! GET OUT!!
:'''Robert''': (interview) Can't handle the heat, get out the kit-CHEN!!
:'''Gordon''': ''[follows Lacey to the pantry]'' &quot;I can't cook meat?!&quot;
:'''Lacey''': I–I'm sorry. I just got really confused.
:'''Gordon''': If you got confused, why didn't you say something?!
:'''Lacey''': I did and then Robert put the chicken and the chicken went on fire and...!
:'''Gordon''': Why can't you just make the effort?
:'''Lacey''': I'm trying to make an effort.
:'''Gordon''': Do you want to come back in there and make an effort?
:'''Lacey''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Well, wake up and get a grip!! Come on! ''[leads Lacey out of the pantry]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Robert:''' C'mon, guys! Let's fucking do it!
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, move!
:''[Robert bends over and a ripping sound is heard. As Ben and Lacey look on in shock, we see that Robert has split open the seat of his trousers. He carries on, unconcerned.]''
:'''Robert:''' Come on guys, keep pushing! (interview) All I heard was &quot;RRRRRIIIP!&quot;
:'''Scott:''' (to Gordon) Robert's ass is hanging out all over the place.
:'''Robert:''' (interview) &quot;Ooh, I feel a little breeze on the back of my ass!&quot; I'll cook in my boxer shorts, I don't give a shit.
:'''Gordon:''' Damn!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Gordon checks on meat brought up by Lacey; finds that the lamb was badly carved]''
:'''Gordon''': Oh, my God!
:'''Lacey''': Hmm... Fuck me!
:'''Gordon''': Come here, all of you! What is that? Fucking bone's thicker than the meat! WHAT IS THAT?!
:'''Lacey''': I DON'T KNOW CHEF!
:'''Gordon''': ''[throws the lamb in the bin]'' It's not good enough! GET OUT! YOU'RE not good enough!! Piss off!! ''[follows Lacey into the pantry]'' Madam, look at me. Let's be honest, you're done. You can't waste my time any longer!
:'''Lacey:''' I agree.
:'''Gordon:''' Give me your jacket, and leave Hell's Kitchen. And go in there, and say goodbye. Properly, say it properly! Let's go.
:'''Lacey:''' ''[to the blue team]'' Thank you for everything!
:''[Danny quickly waves to Lacey and then resumes cooking; Ben and Robert ignore her altogether]''
:'''Robert:''' (interview) There's a small violin, just for Lacey. ''[blows a raspberry]'' She sucks. Adios, biatch.
:'''Gordon:''' Piss off! Let's go! Step up a gear.
:'''Lacey:''' (interview) On one hand, it's a relief. I can get back to my normal life. ''[packing her suitcase]'' Now I can get some sleep at night. (interview) But you know, another part of me wishes to stay and learn more and have that chance to win but unfortunately I fucked up tonight and I can only look back on the positive things which there weren't many for me. You know, my mom told me when I came here, &quot;Don't make enemies.&quot; and that's the first thing I did and kept doing the whole time I was here. Sorry mom, I should've listened.

=== Episode Nine [5.09] ===

''[Gordon checks on sauce brought up by Ben]''
:'''Gordon''': Oh Ben!
:'''Ben''': Chef!?
:'''Gordon''': ''[returns the sauce to the workstation]'' Right, all three of you [Ben, Danny &amp; Robert] come here. Here we go. ''[with spoons]'' Taste time! Quick, quick, dig in there, yes? Dig in. Make sure you take a nice big mouthful. Big mouthful. Mmmmmm. ''[spits out the sauce as does Robert]''
:'''Robert''': (interview) I spit it right out, it was disgusting.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, salty soup! You're just reheating it!
:'''Ben''': Yes.
:'''Gordon''': So how can you fuck it?!
:'''Ben''': It was bland before I over reduced it, it's my fault, I should've tasted it chef.
:'''Gordon''': You're clumsy! You salted it!
:'''Ben''': Yes chef.
:'''Gordon''': You over seasoned it!
:'''Ben''': Yes I did, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You didn't over reduce it!
:'''Ben''': (interview) I'm a soldier, that's why I say yes chef.
 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': One beef salad. Entrées: one bass, one New York steak.
:''[a woman comes up to the hotplate to reorder food]''
:'''Lady''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Yes, madam?
:'''Lady''': Totally flat. No flavor on the carpaccio. This the second time I've had to reorder.
:'''Gordon''': Okay, thank you. (to the blue team) Hey, get the veal along please, yes? Let's go.
:'''Lady''': Chef! ''[whistles to Gordon]''
:'''Gordon''': (to the woman) Right! Don't whistle at me, I'm not your fucking dog, yeah? You look more like a dog than I do. Fuck off, will you?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
''[Gordon checks on potatoes brought up by Carol]'' 
:'''Gordon''': Oh dear. Excuse me! Oh, dear! Let's go, come down! Hurry up! Taste them. There, there you go, there's a nice big slice for you. Aw, fuck it!
:'''Carol''': Hard and raw chef.
:'''Gordon''': Fucking hell! ''[throws the potatoes away]'' Why are the potatoes crunchy? Who cooked them then?
:'''Carol''': I did chef. If they go in the oven when the order comes in, they should be fully cooked. (interview) I don't know why they didn't cook. I never cooked potatoes that long before I sliced that thin.
:'''Gordon''': (To Jean-Philippe) Hey, come in here you! Have I got news for you, yeah? Tell him then, tell him! HE'S GOING TO GO AND EXPLAIN TO THE CUSTOMER!!
:'''Jean-Philippe''': What's happening?
:'''Carol''': The potatoes are undercooked. If they go in when the order comes in, they should be fine.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': What's undercooked?
:'''Gordon''': Say that again?!
:'''Carol''': If she [Andrea] fires it when the order comes in, when it's ready to go -
:'''Gordon''': Au-gratin dauphinois need to be cooked before service!
:'''Carol''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Now you're blaming her.
:'''Carol''': I'm not blaming her chef.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, Andrea, she's trying to sabotage. She can't even tur -
:'''Carol''': I'm not.
:'''Gordon''': What?
:'''Carol''': I'm not sabotaging.
:'''Andrea''': (interview) I was embarrassed for Carol. She's pointing out other people's mistakes. Point me out! I dare you!
:'''Gordon''': Here's the next question, how long then til they cook?
:'''Carol''': Maybe ten minutes.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, look how cool she is! She said &quot;maybe ten minutes&quot;!
:'''Carol''': (interview) They should've been done. Why didn't they cook?
:'''Gordon''': (to the customers) Maybe ten minutes everybody, for your Au-gratin dauphinois!! (to Carol) Look at them, the poor souls! Are you stupid?!
:'''Carol''': No, chef. I'm not.
:'''Gordon''': Bullshit! ''[throws his towel away]''
:'''Andrea''': (interview) Those potatoes! I was embarrassed for Carol.
:'''Gordon''': Why didn't they cook to begin with?
:'''Carol''': Chef, yes, I cooked them in the cream for an hour.
:'''Gordon''': WHAT?!
:'''Carol''': Yes.
:'''Gordon''': You cooked them in the cream for an hour?
:'''Carol''': In boiling cream for an hour.
:'''Gordon''': Crunchy gratin dauphinois. Useless.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
''[Carol pours more cream over her potatoes]''
:'''Gordon''': What is that on there?
:'''Carol''': I just poured more cream on it and I'm going to put it back in.
:'''Gordon''': My God! Oh, Jesus Christ! ''[gets the potatoes dumps them in the bin]'' Are you mad?
:'''Carol''': No, chef.
:'''Andrea''': (interview) There were no saving those potatoes. None whatsoever. They just looked like shit. They looked like fucking shit! It was awful.
:'''Gordon''': I wouldn't even serve that to a fucking pig farm, madam. Forget it. ''[throws the tray into the sink]'' You don't care do you? Because if you did care, you wouldn't serve me that crap! This is supposed to be your exciting menu! Really?
:'''Carol''': (interview) I feel completely awful. This is such a great dish and I fucking ruined it!

=== Episode Ten [5.10] ===

:'''Gordon''': On order, six covers table 20. Entrées: Two wellington, two chicken, one lamb, one Dory. Wellington's medium, yes?
:'''Final 6''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': (to Andrea) Right Andrea, what's going? ''[gets no answer]'' No answer. I'm not in the best of moods, ah? I don't like being ignored in my own fucking kitchen. What's going?
:'''Andrea''': I have no idea, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, my God almighty.
:'''Robert''': (interview) On garnish, you've got to be thirty seconds before everybody else. If she's not checking the tickets for us, we're screwed.
:'''Gordon''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, she's running the section, yet she has no idea of what's going. (to Giovanni) Tell her, chef.
:'''Giovanni''': Two wellingtons one medium, one medium-rare and lamb medium? I'm sorry, lamb medium-rare. Two lamb medium-rare.
:'''Gordon''': Oh my God.
:'''Robert and Ben Walanka''': Two chicken.
:'''Paula''': Two chicken and a Dory.
:'''Giovanni''': Two wellington, Two chicken and a lamb.
:'''Gordon''': Two wellington, two chicken, one lamb, one fucking Dory.
:'''Final 6''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': One wellington's medium, the rest is fucking nor-MAL. 
:'''Final 6''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Unlike us! (to Andrea) What's going, madam?
:'''Andrea''': I have no idea, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You have no idea. 
:'''Andrea''': I have no idea, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, come here you. Hey... fuck off! Hey madam, (points to the front entrance) through the door there! FUCK OFF!
:''[Andrea walks out of the door while the camera crew follows her]''
:'''Andrea''': Get that fucking camera out of my face.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Andrea, relax. The only thing he wants from you is to come back. You need to fight back. If you don't, you're finished.
:'''Andrea''': (interview) This is the hardest... most difficult, most up-and-down thing that I've ever, ''ever'' done in my entire life! ''[to Jean-Philippe]'' It's just been out of fucking control tonight. There's no communication with anybody, and I just haven't recovered. 
:'''Jean-Philippe''': You want to stay?
:'''Andrea''': Yes, I want to fucking stay! I've been through too much hell right now to fucking leave!
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Absolutely. So keep it to Gordon.
:'''Andrea''': (interview) It's just a reminder of how difficult it's been and how much...how much I just want this so bad.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': So now you need to be strong. Go back in there, and give it your best shot. Go on, then!
:'''Andrea''': (interview) I put everything I have into this every day, and I just had to go in there and fight for the rest of it.
:'''Gordon''': ''[to Andrea]'' Right, what's going?
:'''Andrea''': Two chicken, two lamb, one wellington, one Dory.
:'''Gordon''': Thank you. Back in the kitchen! NOW WAKE UP, ANDREA!
:'''Andrea''': Yes, chef!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Dory, salmon, lamb, wellington!
:'''Robert''': Two minutes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': ''[notices Robert putting the bacon into the John Dory]'' Robert, just come here!
:'''Robert''': Oh, shit!
:'''Gordon''': Why have you put the bacon inside the Dory?
:'''Robert''': To crisp it up, chef, real quickly.
:'''Gordon''': What's the bacon with?
:'''Robert''': For the scallops.
:'''Gordon''': So why have you put it with the Dory? Suppose he's allergic to bacon! You can send somebody to the hospital on the back of that!
:'''Robert''': Oh, you're right.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, come on! ''[kicks a bin]'' &quot;You're right&quot;? Course, I'm fucking right! Get the bacon out!
:'''Robert''': (interview) Yeah, I fucked up and you know what? I know in my heart, I got it. I'm a bull.
:'''Gordon''': Come on, Mr Bacon Man!
:'''Narrator''': While Robert tries again on the John Dory, Chef Ramsay is counting on Giovanni on the meat station to get out the first entrée of the night.
:''[Gordon checks on chicken special at the pass]''
:'''Gordon''': (with a chewed up piece of chicken) What is that?
:'''Scott''': Giovanni's best.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, Ben.
:'''Ben Walanka''': Chef?
:'''Gordon''': Is that a chewed up bit of chicken from the dog? Here. ''[gives the chicken to Ben]'' That's your special. Yeah, have a word with him, yeah? He's given up. Take all the garnish back, do whatever you wish with it. Your special has now become not very special thanks to dickface (Giovanni) there. Hurry up, Giovanni!
:'''Giovanni''': Yeah, but I'm not dickface, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, say that again?!
:'''Giovanni''': I said I'm not dickface, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, you're pissed, are you? Not as fucking- Look at me, '''LOOK AT ME IN THE EYES!!''' '''NOT AS PISSED AS ''''''I'''''' AM!! YOU ''''''FUCKIN'''''' ARE!! DONKEY!!'''
:'''Giovanni''': No.
:'''Ben''': (interview) Whooo! Boy, oh boy!
:'''Gordon''': Cause right now, I don't '''GIVE A FUCK!''' '''DICKFACE!'''
:'''Giovanni''': (interview) I'm an emotional person, but he can get in my face all he wants, he will not break me.
:'''Gordon''': You're sending shit, and you're trying to get away with it! Now I'm ''ready'' for an argument! SENDING ME THAT, YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED!!
:'''Robert''': (interview) You know, he just ''wants'' you to pop off.
:'''Gordon''': And you want to get all sensitive! You want to get all fucking negative! 
:'''Giovanni''': No, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Look at me, look at me, you send me shit like that, take your jacket and FUCK OFF!
:'''Giovanni''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': I'm not sending that shit, &quot;chef!&quot;
:'''Giovanni''': No, chef. Sorry, chef. (interview) I wasn't angry at him, I was angry at myself. It was just, I was boiling inside and... and he said something to me.
:'''Gordon''': That's the well done one. And look at me, I think you're too fucked to get upset with me, you don't give a fuck what I call you. This is not personal, this is professional! That personal was a piece of shit, now pull it back!!
:'''Giovanni''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': '''DICKFACE!'''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Giovanni, Robert! Hey Andrea, come here you! ''[gathers them at the corner]'' All three of you are pathetic! You (Giovanni) don't care...
:'''Giovanni''': I care, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You're (Robert) way behind, and you (Andrea) haven't got a fucking clue! Can we work together as a team?!
:'''Giovanni, Robert and Andrea''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Two wellington. One well-done! '''Get it ON!!!'''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Danny''': (interview) One station failed...
:'''Scott''': ''[Andrea's one pan catches fire]'' Pan's on fire! Pan's on fire!
:'''Danny''': ...and another station failed. It's no joke.
:'''Gordon''': We're going up in flames. ''[pick Andrea's pan]''
:'''Paula''': (interview) First night with the Black team, one big cluster fuck.
:'''Gordon''': Same shit, different day! (throws the pan into the sink)
:'''Scott''': ''[Ben's pan also catches fire]'' What about the rest of the table? We need cover-up.
:'''Gordon''': Dynamic six, yeah. My fucking ass. Fuck off the lot of you! ''[walks out of the kitchen and throws his towel away]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': ''[calls the five chefs back in the kitchen after Giovanni's elimination.]'' I just spent the last hour upstairs in my office thinking. It just doesn't make sense! How can the final six be so shit? I called you all down here because on the back of that performance, I'm now going to do something I have never ever done before. I'm shutting down Hell's Kitchen.

=== Episode Eleven [5.11] ===

:'''Narrator''': After a couple of days without any word on how Robert is doing, Chef Ramsay calls the chefs down for a meeting.
:'''Gordon''': So you're feeling fresh, very relaxed. Did you enjoy the whole atmosphere at the Borgata Resort?
:'''Danny''': Very much so.
:'''Ben''': Incredible, Chef.
:'''Gordon''': Sadly, you came back minus one individual. Clearly, you're all deeply concerned. I'm not going to tell you how he's doing, I'm going to let him tell you himself. Chef Robert.
:''[Robert appears and everyone applauds and smile]''
:'''Gordon''': Okay, big boy. Let me just say how pleased I am to see you.
:'''Robert''': Thank you.
:'''Gordon''': How are you feeling?
:'''Robert''': Not good.
:'''Gordon''': Ah?
:'''Robert''': Not good.
:''[Ben stops smiling.]''
:'''Gordon''': What did the medics say?
:'''Robert''': I have [[w:Pericarditis|pericarditis]], which is the swelling of the sac around the heart which leads to heart disease.
:''[Gordon shakes his head in dismay, Andrea and Paula fight back tears.]''
:'''Gordon''': Oh dear. Are you coming back?
:'''Robert''': No.
:'''Gordon''': No?
:''[Danny's face drops]''
:'''Robert''': I'm not coming back.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Ben has been struggling on the garnish station]''
:'''Gordon''': What's going, Ben? (gets no response) Oh, my God almighty! Oh, come on. Three Dory, two salmon, one chicken. (sees what Ben is doing) Why is he putting the lettuce there like that? He's trying to sauté it.
:'''Scott''': I don't know, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Look at the mess of this guy.
:'''Scott''': He throwing everything in a pot.
:'''Ben Walanka''': (interview) I was just absolutely... just mind-boggled.
:'''Gordon''': ''[picks up a pan and a piece of lettuce]'' You've got a pan here like that and you're throwing lettuce on top like that... ''you're shit.'' You are so shit, you don't realise what you're doing!
:'''Danny''': (interview) Oh, man Ben! Like, come on. You know better than that.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, come here a minute. Why are you doing this? You're just adding the lettuce to the tomato and cucumber, you're not sautéing the lettuce?
:'''Ben''': Chef, I was in a side pan s-sautéing the tomatoes and the cucumbers, chef. But I did it wrong, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, you're fuckin' up, you're cutting corners, and you're slipping big time! Do you know what? Do you know your biggest problem that'll always be the downfall of your career? You're full of fuckin' shit! 'cause every time you get fuckin' something wrong, you give a bullshit fuckin' excuse, but right now, I'm fed up with your bullshit excuses!
:'''Ben''': (interview) There's really nothing that I can do to please Chef Ramsay, and I'm slowly but surely being able to accept that.
:'''Gordon''': '''FUCK OFF!!'''
:'''Ben''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You're too dangerous to have on service. I asked you what you're doing, you said you're sautéeing tomatoes, ARE YOU '''FUNK! YOU DIRTY PIG! GET OUT!! GET OUT!!''' Un-fucking-believable!
:''[Ben walks into the pantry and bangs his head on the door]''
:'''Ben''': (interview) What the fuck is going on?! I–I'm very upset right now, but I don't give up. I'm a good cook, I know how to cook. You know, I feel like I need to really try and pull it together. ''[goes in the bathroom to wash his face]'' Okay, we're back. (interview) I certainly ain't leaving here without a fight. I'll tell you that.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Ben returns to the kitchen after a quick break]''
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, right. Hey, you! Come here you! What's going through your mind now? You still going to fucking butcher me and slice me and serve shit to them?
:'''Ben Walanka''': No, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Where's your fight, man?!
:'''Ben''': It's here, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Where is it?!
:'''Ben''': I got it, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Then wake up, you doughnut!
:'''Ben''': '''YES, CHEF!'''
[[Category:Hell's Kitchen seasons]]</text>
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:'''Seasons:'''  [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 1|1]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 2|2]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 3|3]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 4|4]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 5|5]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 6|6]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 7|7]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 8|8]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 9|9]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 10|10]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 11|11]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 12|12]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 13|13]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 14|14]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 15|15]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 16|16]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 17|17]] | '''[[Hell's Kitchen|Main]]'''
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&lt;br&gt;
'''''[[w:Hell's Kitchen (U.S.)|Hell's Kitchen]]''''' is an American cooking reality show based on [[w:Hell's Kitchen (UK)|the British program of the same title]], where Chef [[w:Gordon Ramsay|Gordon Ramsay]] puts aspiring chefs through different challenges and dinner services to decide who is the best.

=== Episode One [5.01] ===

:'''Gordon''': And the name of the dish is what?
:'''Danny''': Mahi Gone Bananas, chef.
:'''Gordon''': ''[tastes the dish]'' It looks like ''you've'' gone slightly bananas. It's hideous. Back in line. 
:'''Danny''': (interview) Ramsay's definitely just looking for a rise out of me, which he's going to eventually get.
:'''Gordon''': So the idea came from where?
:'''Danny''': I just pulled it out of my ass, sir.
:'''Gordon''': Put it back in there because it sucks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Who's cooked the diapers?
:'''Colleen''': No diapers, sir. That's chicken enchiladas with poblano cream sauce. My name's Colleen.
:'''Gordon''': Corinne.
:'''Colleen''': Colleen.
:'''Gordon''': Corinne.
:'''Colleen''': COL-leen.
:'''Gordon''': What do you do for a living?
:'''Colleen''': I am a culinary instructor and I own a recreational cooking school.
:'''Gordon''': And were you a trained chef before you set up a school?
:'''Colleen''': No, I am not a trained chef.
:'''Gordon''': So you're not a trained chef, yet you teach chefs to cook.
:'''Colleen''': That's correct.
:'''Gordon''': How much do you charge?
:'''Colleen''': 300 per three to four hours.
:'''Gordon''': Right. Look at the size of it.
:'''Colleen''': I feed big Nebraska boys. Would you like me to get you a bite?
:'''Gordon''': No, I'll bite it myself. ''[tries dish, spits it out]''
:'''Colleen''': Okay.
:'''Gordon''': You seriously charge $300 to teach people how to make that crap?
:'''Colleen''': Y–Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I feel like I need some plastic wrap on my arse.
:'''Colleen''': (interview) It was extremely difficult to just stand there and to keep my mouth shut! (to Gordon) I teach manners, too, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Say that again?
:'''Narrator''': Cooking instructor Colleen not only offered Chef Ramsay a dish he didn't care for, but an etiquette lesson as well.
:'''Gordon''': Okay, please, Miss Manners, fuck off back in line.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': It looks like lamb chops on a bed of ratatouille.
:'''Seth''': Uh, that's mine, chef. (interview) To be like Chef Ramsay is my dream. I've read his books, I've visited his restaurant in Manhattan. I think we have very similar styles.
:'''Gordon''': How long have you been cooking?
:'''Seth''': Fifteen years around.
:'''Gordon''': And what is it?
:'''Seth''': Cinnamon crusted rack of lamb with a(n) aubergine ratatouille.
:'''Gordon''': The ratatouille, what's in there?
:'''Seth''': Tomatoes, onion, tomato sauce, tomato paste.
:'''Gordon''': ''[spits out food]'' How come the aubergine's so sweet?
:'''Seth''': There's some honey, uh...
:'''Gordon''': Honey in a ratatouille? Uh, is that normal?
:'''Crowd''': No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': That's the worst dish I've ever tasted. ''[Seth laughs]'' Fifteen years to cook that shit and you're laughing. You could make history on being the fastest exit in Hell's Kitchen. And I'm fucking serious, you know that. Back in line. ''[Seth goes back in line]'' The quicker you understand how serious I am, the quicker you'll cook better.
:'''Seth''': I'll try harder next time, sir. (interview) I thought it looked all right. I think my presentation was good. I know it's a good dish. I got to prove to him that I can cook my ass off.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Lacey and Coi are arguing during prep. Gordon approaches Coi]''
:'''Gordon''': What's the matter?
:'''Coi''': This station is fucked... up.
:'''Lacey''': Come on, Coi.
:'''Coi''': (to Lacey) Don't say a fucking thing. (to Gordon) I come over here, there's nothing fucking done, chef. Nothing!
:'''Lacey''': (to Coi) Now why don't you tell him that you're threatening me.
:'''Gordon''': (to Coi and Lacey) Oh, wait. Right. I'm just about to open the doors, okay? Don't panic. I'm not asking you to be lovebirds, okay?
:'''Coi''': Absolutely.
:'''Gordon''': Calm down, get a grip and show me some form of composure, yes?
:'''Coi''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, my God!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': On order six covers, table 20. Two spaghetti, two scallops, one risotto, one Caesar. Entrées, three wellington, get them in!
:'''Robert''': ''[shouting over Gordon]'' Ben you guys, get going!
:'''Ben''': I'm coming! I'm coming!
:'''Gordon''': Hey you. Hey fuck-wit, Come here you. Come here! I'm calling out an order and you just shout over.
:'''Robert''': Sorry, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You fucking call out the order then. You fuck, FUCKING call out the order!
:'''Robert''': I need one Caesar, two scallops, one risotto and two spaghetti now! (interview) Yeah, give me the reins man! Let me drive this bitch!
:'''Gordon''': You fucking interrupt me again next time, you're going for an early bath.
:'''Robert''': Yes.
:'''Gordon''': A big one in the hot tub!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Gordon checks on scallops brought up by Danny]''
:'''Gordon''': Danny? Come here, that's you. Overcooked scallops, let's go. It's not exactly rocket science.
:'''Danny''': Well obviously, chef. ''[angrily slams his pan; [Gordon gives him a dirty look]''
:'''Gordon''': (to Danny) Hey you, come here you.
:'''Danny''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Okay, can you cook like a team member?
:'''Danny''': I'll wash their station and my station, chef.
:'''Gordon''': How about communicating with them?
:'''Danny''': I did, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Don't fucking dare start getting fucking pissed with me. Is that clear?
:'''Danny''': Chef, yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Good. NOW JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!!
:''[power supply shuts down]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Gordon looks for spaghetti in the Red kitchen]''
:'''Gordon''': Where's the other spaghetti? ''[notices Colleen starting a fresh spaghetti in a dirty pan]'' Madam, come here. ''[gets Colleen's pan]'' You're starting a fresh one in dirty pan!
:'''Colleen''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Oh!
:'''Colleen''': (interview) The pan that I've already used and I didn't have the chance to wipe it. I felt like an idiot.
:'''Gordon''': You teach people how to cook! ''[slams the pan down on her station]''
:'''Colleen''': We have no more pans, chef.
:'''Gordon''': ''[gets some pans from Andrea's station]'' Look! Pan, pan, pan!
:'''Colleen''': Thank you, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You're going to start a fresh spaghetti in a dirty pan! Holy crap!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': Seth is hoping to score high marks with his first entrée.
:'''Gordon''': Why's it all fucking mangled?
:'''Scott''': He didn't have it ready, and then he sliced it and seared all the chops.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, Forrest! Come here you.
:'''Seth''': (interview) Ramsay, he keeps calling me &quot;Forrest&quot; as in [[w:Forrest Gump|Forrest Gump]]. I think it's a great name!
:'''Gordon''': You didn't cook it properly temperature wise, so you decided to buckle it and bastardise it. Now you're really having a laugh, yeah?
:'''Ben''': (interview) Man, this poor lamb chop just got charred. No excuse for that first lamb.
:'''Gordon''': Would you get excited to come here and eat that shit?
:'''Seth''': Absolutely not.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, fuck off, will you?
:'''Seth''': (interview) Listen, I screwed up the lamb, but at the end of the service, Gordon and I will be like peas and carrots once again!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': It's two and a half hours into the dinner service, and while Colleen has finally mastered the spaghetti, she still has a lot to learn about risotto.
:'''Gordon''': Look! ''[returns to workstation and tastes the risotto]'' Hey!
:'''Colleen''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Taste!
:'''Colleen''': Yes, chef.
:''[Gordon spits out the risotto in disgust]''
:'''Gordon''': That's the risotto! That, quite frankly, is the worst risotto I've ever tasted in my entire cooking career. Why's it so sweet? Who put sugar in there?
:'''Colleen''': ''[holds up a pot of sugar]'' I grabbed this. I thought it was salt.
:'''LA''': (interview) Are you fucking kidding me?
:'''Gordon''': That... ''[throws the risotto in the trash]'' is shit! Oh, my God!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Mashed potatoes?
:'''Wil''': ''[brings his garnishes to the pass]'' Fuck!
:'''Gordon''': What are you doing, Wil?
:'''Wil''': Sorry, chef. I don't know if this is very hot. (to his team mates) You got a cold sizzle?
:'''Gordon''': Dear, oh dear! Wil!
:'''Wil''': Yes, chef?
:'''Gordon''': You're shit!
:'''Wil''': Yes, chef. I am.
:'''Gordon''': You are so shit, it's unbelievable!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Are you on the garnish now, Robert?
:'''Robert''': I just want to help him out [Wil], chef.
:'''Gordon''': Charlie's on the garnish, Robert's on the garnish, yeah? And Wil is on planet cuckoo.
:'''Charlie''': (interview) Wil got thrown to the dogs on the garnish station. By the time I got around to help him, it was ugly.
:'''Gordon''': Wil, there's not one cook in the kitchen that hasn't been with you on the garnish tonight!
:'''Wil''': (interview) Being on the receiving end of Chef Ramsay's wrath...yeah, that sorta sucked. 
:'''Gordon''': Dear, oh dear, oh dear.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Garnish, please! (to Wil) What in the fuck are you two doing?
:'''Carol''': ''[interview; sees the customers leaving the kitchen]'' Oh no! When the customers got up and starting to walk out, I'm shocked.
:'''Gordon''': Let's go, 22!
:'''Waiter''': 22 just left.
:'''Gordon''': Twenty-two. 22 just left.
:'''Giovanni''': My table got up and left.
:'''Gordon''': ''[to Robert; tosses the plates to him]'' Hey! Hey, you! Hey, catch! THEY JUST LEFT! THEY JUST FUCKING LEFT!
:'''Giovanni''': The rest of tables got walked out.
:'''Lady''': Alright. Out of Hell's Kitchen.
:'''Gordon''': Switch it off! NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!! ''[goes to the red kitchen]'' Come here, all of you! ''[calls the blue team]'' Come here, all of you! Yeah, take a look at there! Pathetic, absolute embarrassment, utter crap! Clear down! CLEAR DOWN!!

=== Episode Two [5.02] ===

:'''Gordon''': The scallops are cooked, aren't they?
:'''Colleen''': Yes.
:'''Gordon''': Why are they still in the pan if they're cooked? They're going to be overcooked, you stupid cow! Oh, my God! Who cooked the scallops last service? Who was that?
:'''Lacey''': I did, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Come here, you! Come here! Show her how to cook a fucking scallop. Hey, by the way, she's not charging $300. Hey, this is free now. Free lesson! Stand back!
:'''Carol''': (interview) Colleen runs a cooking school, but she has no experience on the line and it clearly shows.
:'''Gordon''': (to Lacey) Teach madam [Colleen] here how to cook a fucking scallop!
:'''Lacey''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Shit!! Unbelievable!
:'''Lacey''': (interview) I almost felt honored in a weird way. (to Colleen) It's okay. It's alright.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': (to Ji) Is your ankle hurting?
:'''Ji''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, so's my fuckin' head. It's throbbin'.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Lacey brings Colleen's scallops to the pass]''
:'''Gordon''': Thank you, Lacey.
:'''Lacey''': You're welcome, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Colleen!! Do you see a difference? Pink in the middle, coloured both sides, yes?
:'''Colleen''': Yes, I do, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, did she charge you?
:'''Colleen''': (brief pause) No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, thank fuck for that. Let's go. God bless Nebraska.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Narrator''': Seth and Charlie have delivered their lobster spaghetti to the pass.
:''[Gordon checks the spaghetti; finds out that there's no lobster in it]''
:'''Gordon''': There's no fucking lobster in there.
:'''Scott''': Doesn't look like it, no.
:'''Narrator''': But, it's missing one key ingredient.
:'''Gordon''': ''[returns to the workstation and pushes a pan aside]'' Hey, fuck-wit! Come here you! Come here!
:'''Charlie''': What's this?
:'''Gordon''': There's no fucking lobster in it!
:'''Charlie''': Shit!!
:'''Gordon''': How can you give it to me with no lobster in there?!
:'''Charlie''': We're stupid, chef. Apologies.
:'''Gordon''': Wake up, Charlie!!
:'''Charlie''': Yes, chef! Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': And you [Seth], docile fucking idiot! What's the dish called?
:'''Seth''': Uhm... Uhm...
:'''Gordon''': Spaghetti of lobster!!
:'''Seth''': (interview) I feel like I just got hit by a train!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Gordon checks on salmon brought up by Colleen]''
:'''Gordon:''' Oh, my God! ''[returns to the workstation]'' Come here you. Hey, Coi, come here! Carol, Lacey, come here! (to Colleen) Away now, two Wellington, yes, one salmon and one John Dory. Where's the John Dory?
:'''Colleen:''' (brief pause) I don't have the John Dory.
:'''Gordon:''' You don't have it. Hey, look, come here. Hey, there you go, look at that. ''[holds up the salmon]'' Look, look, hold on, hey, don't run away. '''IT'S BLACK!''' On top of that, there's an added bonus. It's fucking raw in the middle.
:'''Colleen:''' Yes, chef.
:''[Gordon angrily throws the salmon away and kicks the bin]''
:'''Gordon:''' Fucking useless, fucking shit. You're not a cookery school teacher, are you? You're joking, aren't you?
:'''Colleen:''' No, I'm not joking, chef. I am a--
:'''Gordon:''' Tell me, tell me you're pomping yourself up to make yourself look good. You don't really have a cooking school?
:'''Colleen:''' No, chef, I own a cooking school. I have a business just like you do.
:'''Gordon:''' Your fucking business is not like my business. Hey, madam, let's get that fucking right.
:'''Colleen:''' You're right.
:'''Gordon:''' You're robbing people! You're a thief!! I'm concerned for the poor bastards that you've taken money off of!! ''[sees another piece of salmon burning]'' Hey, madam, lift that lid off, it looks black.
:'''Colleen:''' It IS black!
:'''Gordon''': Oh, 'GOD!!!'
:'''Colleen''': Both of them!
:'''Gordon:''' '''SHIT!''' [Gordon and Coi look physically shocked] '''SHIT! IT'S BLACK!'''
:'''Colleen:''' Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon:''' OH, MY GOD!!
:'''Carol:''' These are burning.
:'''Colleen:''' I know.
:'''Gordon:''' Hey, madam, madam! '''GET OUT!!''' Get on the raw bar. Lacey! LACEY! Get on the fish!
:'''Lacey:''' Yes, chef!
:'''Colleen:''' (interview) Chef Ramsay's definitely not going to break me. He can ask me to leave, he can kick me out of the kitchen, he can do all those things, but he's not going to break me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Gordon checks on salmon brought up by Giovanni]''
:'''Gordon''': Giovanni! ''[returns to the workstation]''
:'''Giovanni''': Yes, chef?
:'''Gordon''': Hey, all of you come here! ''[points to Danny]'' He's cooking his ass off, surrounded by five muppets, yeah? The temperature's perfect, and I get that bit of shit there, look. I got given that! Would you eat that? ''[throws the salmon to Seth]'' Go on, eat it, eat it. (to Seth) Would you eat that?
:'''Seth''': No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': (to Giovanni) Would you eat that?
:'''Giovanni''': No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': ''[comes up to Giovanni]'' Hey, you can be pissed off. You got every fucking right to be pissed off. You know that, yes?
:'''Giovanni''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Fucking '''RAW'''!!
:'''Giovanni''': (interview) I've never had a chef come that close to me in my life. He can yell at me from across the kitchen, he doesn't have to get 2 inches away from my face.

=== Episode Three [5.03] ===
''[during the meat labelling challenge, with both teams both having five correct labels so far]''
:'''Seth''': (interview) Meat is one of my fortes. I definitely had six, seven out of eight without even looking.
:'''Ben''': Ring the bell, ring the bell. Go for it!
:''[Seth lightly taps the bell]''
:'''Gordon''': I can't hear that!
:'''Ben''': Ring the fucking bell!
:''[Seth hits the bell harder]''
:'''Gordon''': Seven wrong for blue, let's go.
:'''Charlie''': Holy shit! We're working backwards!
:'''J''': (interview) SETH, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!
:'''Narrator''': Seth's poor performance has set the men back. Now Lacey has a golden opportunity to redeem herself with her team.
:'''Carol''': Come on, Lacey!
:'''Lacey''': (interview) It's my chance to show my team that I can step up, and that I deserve to be here.
:'''Colleen''': Come on! We can do this!
:'''LA''': Move it, Lacey!
:'''Andrea''': (interview) Lacey was just moving things around for the feeling that she was doing something, and you know what, that's no different to how she is in the kitchen.
:''[Robert rings the men's bell]''
:'''Gordon''': Six wrong.
:'''Narrator''': Robert has only improved on Seth by one.
:'''Carol''': (to Lacey) Come on, let's go! Come on, come on, come on, come on!
:''[Lacey rings the bell]''
:'''Gordon''': Okay... (sees that Lacey has placed the &quot;bottom round&quot; label near one of the model cow's front legs) BOTTOM ROUND?! WHAT DOES &quot;BOTTOM&quot; MEAN? One, two, three, four, five, six wrong! Dear oh dear!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Why aren't the shrimp on? Get them on! Come on, Charlie.
:'''Charlie''': Sorry, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Unbelievable. A Caesar salad and we're in the shit! ''[spots that Charlie's cooking cloth has caught fire]'' Your cloth's on fire! YOUR CLOTH'S ON FIRE!
:'''J''': (interview) Charlie, wake the fuck up, man.
:'''Gordon''': Get it in the water please, Scott, before he burns the place down.
:'''Charlie''': I'm doing my best, chef.
:'''Scott''': (throws the cloth in the sink) If that's your best, you might want to rethink your best a little bit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Narrator''': It's thirty minutes into dinner service, and Ben is trying to impress Chef Ramsay with his speed. 
:'''Ben''': ''[bringing some chocolate brownie desserts to the pass]'' Coming down with desserts. Coming down with desserts... 
:'''Narrator''': Unfortunately, having dessert ready before the appetizers is not exactly what Chef Ramsay had in mind. 
:'''Gordon''':  Dick-head, put them down. ''[calls entire team]'' Hey, all of you, come here. Ben's now bringing me a chocolate fucking brownie. ''[tosses one dessert on the counter]'' WHAT'S GOING ON?! 
:'''Seth''': (interview) I didn't know what was going on, but he brought up dessert four minutes in. I mean, I've done some stupid shit, but that's embarrassing. 
:'''Gordon''': So, let's do it this way, then. There you go. ''[puts the desserts on the pass]'' Ben wants to serve a chocolate brownie before we serve the appetisers. 
:'''Ben''': No, chef. 
:'''Gordon''': What are you ''dreaming'' on?! Are you ''stupid''?! 
:'''Ben''': No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You've got cheesecake made as well! 
:'''Ben''': Yes, chef. 
:'''Gordon''': We've trashed six desserts before we've sent out fucking appetisers! 
:'''Ben''': It was my fault, chef. (interview) It was my mistake for not exactly knowing Chef Ramsay's terminologies, but fuck me if the words &quot;pick&quot; and &quot;up&quot; don't mean &quot;give you the desserts!&quot; 
:'''Gordon''': Have you been drinking or sniffing? 
:'''Ben''': No, chef. No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Look at me: Go upstairs for a lie-down. 
:'''Ben''': No, no, chef! 
:'''Gordon''': Go upstairs for a lie-down! ''[leads Ben out of the kitchen, then walks away]'' Useless. Absolutely useless. ''[a couple of seconds pass, then Ben quickly returns into the kitchen]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Lacey returns a Caesar salad to the pass]''
:'''Gordon''': What's the matter?
:'''Lacey''': She just didn't know if there were anchovies on it.
:'''Gordon''': You got what you asked for.
:'''Lacey''': I know, chef.
:'''Gordon''': So what did you fuck up? I know you find this is, yeah I know you laugh and it's funny.
:'''Lacey''': I'm not laughing! I'm trying not to cry.
:'''Gordon''': You're fucking worse than [[:w:Britney Spears|Britney Spears]], you jumped-up bitch!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[Carol returns to the pass with filet mignon]''
:'''Carol''': They say they want to brighten it up a little bit, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Giovanni, Robert come here! Robert, bounce your way down here. Let's go. ''[portions the beef]'' (pounds the counter) Touch it! Touch it!
:'''Giovanni and Robert''': It's cold.
:'''Gordon''': '''FUCKING SHIT!!''' ''[throws the beef away]'' It's still walking, that fucking piece of beef!
:'''Danny''': (interview) It pisses me off. We have the executive chef of a steakhouse running our grill. Wake up, get it together and put out some decent food.
:'''Gordon''': Giovanni!
:'''Giovanni''': Yes, chef?
:'''Gordon''': Thank fuck I've never been to your steakhouse! It's fucking blue!
:'''Giovanni''': Yes, chef!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Narrator''': With just 30 minutes left, Jean Phillippe is looking for Lacey.
:'''Jean Phillippe''': Table 23. The Table you forgot.
:'''Lacey''': I have to go up there and tell them to fire it?
:'''Jean Phillippe''': Who el...Who else is going to do it?
:'''Lacey''': Jean Phillipe I never waited table before!!!
:'''Jean Phillippe''': (Gobbles) Can you just go and ask the chef to fire It (Trying to do Lacey Voice), (Gobbles)
:'''Lacey''': I need the main course for 23 fired. Thanks Chef.
:'''Gordon''': Hey Madam (Lacey), We just taking the order in now??? Why did it take so long???
:'''Jean Phillippe''': She forgot the Table.
:'''Gordon''': (Shakes Head and angrily swats Lacey away)
:'''Lacey''': Yeah, &quot;Fuck off with me!&quot; I know.
:'''Gordon''': (To the Blue Team) Lacey forgot the ORDER!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[after Seth's attempt at butchering the filet mignon, Ramsay has discovered a huge amount of wasted meat]''
:'''Gordon''': Hey, all of you, here! Quickly! There's the filet, yes? Look at the fucking waste! ''[empties the waste onto the counter; the amount of waste is nearly as big as the remaining filet. Seth looks confused, while the other team members look horrified]'' That's what he took off, and there's the filet. LOOK AT THE FILET!
:'''Giovanni''': (interview) He molested that poor thing! People have gone to jail for worse, but it looked like he went at it with a jackhammer.
:'''Gordon''': ''[hurls the offcuts to Seth]'' We've fucking WASTED the most expensive part! LOOK AT IT! What are you going to do, get daddy to buy you a new one?
:'''Narrator''': With only fifteen minutes of dinner service left, Seth has butchered the filet. And possibly the Blue Team's hope of winning dinner service.
:'''Gordon''': How can you do that?
:'''Seth''': I never butchered a filet before chef.
:'''Gordon''': Congratulations, you just have.
:'''Seth''': ''[smiles]'' Thanks, yes... 
:'''Gordon''': Hey, hey smartass - not in the right way, you fucking bozo!
:'''Seth''': (interview) I don't think I did that bad, butchering that filet, but now I'll know for next time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[two minutes remain of the Blue team's half of the service]''
:'''Gordon''': Where's the New York strip?!
:'''Giovanni''': Chef, I'm four minutes away!
:'''Gordon''': Oh, my God. SWITCH IT OFF!! We're now over two hours, he (Giovanni) fucks the filet! (to Charlie) The shrimps go down! (to Ben Walanka) This dick sent me dessert before the appetisers! ''[throws his apron]'' Fuck off! (to Jean-Philippe) Jean-Philippe, shut it down, yes? Two hours over. Clear down!!!
:'''Robert''': (interview; tonight was originally planned to have been his wedding) I've embarrassed myself, my family, my girlfriend. ''[throws his buff off angrily]''
:''[Customers are leaving Hell's Kitchen]''
:'''Ben Walanka''': Here we go. Here comes the pain.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Where's the four Caesar salad, two shrimp?
:'''Colleen''': Coming chef. These were two, one and one.
:'''Gordon''': Where's the fucking four I asked for?
:'''Coi''': Four Caesar salad, two shrimp!
:'''Gordon''': (to Colleen) Hey!
:'''Colleen''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You're doing this on purpose.
:'''Colleen''': No I'm not, I swear. You said two. One and one.
:'''Gordon''': Look at me! Look at me! Four fucking salads.
:'''Colleen''': (interview) There's always the person in your life that's being grumpy and you know not being nice. Then there is one that Chef Ramsay whose the arrogant vicious attack dog.  
:'''Gordon''': (to Colleen) Hey, Madam, you're fucking pathetic!
:'''Colleen''': Yes, chef.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Four salad, three shrimp, one plain! (Colleen) Oh no, come here! What's going?
:'''Colleen''': Four Caesar salad, three shrimp, one plain!
:'''Gordon''': One more!
:'''Colleen''': Four Caesar salad chef, three shrimp, one plain!
:'''Gordon''': One more!
:'''Colleen''': Four Caesar salad chef, three shrimp, one plain!
:'''Gordon''': And last time!
:'''Colleen''': Four Caesar salad chef, three...
:'''Gordon''': (visibly shocked) Oh, m - OHH, GOD!
:'''Colleen''': ... SHRIMP, ONE PLAIN!
:'''Gordon''': Oh you fucking - hoo, shit! She's not normal... she can not be normal...
:'''Lacey''': (interview) My God! Colleen, if we lose tonight and I go home, I swear to God, I hope you can't sleep at night because you deserve to go home more than I.

=== Episode Four [5.04] ===
:'''Colleen''': How could we lose with cheerleaders on our side? Yeah! V, V-I, V-C-I-T-O-R-Y! (a caption reading &quot;Vcitory???&quot; appears)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[The Blue Team have lost the challenge and Ben believes that Danny was responsible for it even though it fell on Seth]''
:'''Ben''': Imma tell you one thing. I don't like fucking losing and Danny, I was over there helping you then I jumped over to eggs.
:'''Danny''': You should've been on eggs the whole time.
:'''Ben''': You were the one drowning on the pancakes buddy, that is correct.
:'''Danny''': Look you gave me a hand walking up pancakes and thank you for that.
:'''Ben''': Wait a minute Danny, ''[J laughs]'' come on man are you serious right now?
:'''Danny''': What? You-you helped me plate some pancakes and I appreciate it, thank you, I-I'm not a-
:'''Ben''': It's cool.
:'''Danny''': I'm not a hero here, I never said I was.
:'''J''': You said that earlier, you said you were the best cook.
''[Flashbacks to Gordon asking who the Blue Team's best cook is with Danny calling himself the Blue Team's best cook]''
:'''Danny''': I am obviously the best cook on the team.
:'''Ben''': You want to hear something dude, I will put circles around you! I will circle you like a fucking moon!
:'''Danny''': Where have you been?
:'''Giovanni''': Hey, hey come on! Danny, come on! Hey, Ben!
:'''Ben''': ''[over Giovanni]'' Are you joking me? You couldn't cook my cock!
''[The women walk past as Danny and Ben's argument starts escalating]''
:'''Giovanni''': Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
:'''Ben''': Are you joking me? I AM SO FUCKING-
:'''Danny''': Where have you been!? 
:'''Giovanni''': ''[stands between Danny and Ben]'' Be quiet! Quiet! Quiet!
:'''Ben''': We'll see you on garnish.
:'''Danny''': Shut the fuck up.
:'''Ben''': I mean- you know what, I need two minutes, I need two minutes bro.
:'''Danny''': Take your two minutes Bro because I haven't seen you kitchen yet.
:'''Giovanni''': HEY! 
:'''Danny''': Where have you been!?
:'''Ben''': ''[heads down to the patio]'' (interview) Danny's ego is getting the better of him and he needs to come back down on this planet.
:'''Danny''': YOU'VE GOTTEN A COMPLIMENT YET BEN!!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon''': On order: Four covers, Table 4. Two risotto, one spaghetti, one Caesar. 
:'''Blue Team''': Yes, Chef! 
:'''Danny''': (to Giovanni) Is it [the water] boiling? 
:'''Gordon''': How long? 
:'''Giovanni''': I'm waiting for the water to boil, Chef. 
:'''Gordon''': You expect me to tell Jean-Philippe we're waiting for your water to boil?! 
:'''Giovanni''': Oh, I'm sorry. 
:'''Ben''': (interview) Oh, man, Gio. How do you expect to cook pasta in water that's not boiling? 
:'''Gordon''': Hey, look at me! There's no olive oil in there, the water's not seasoned, it's not even ''boiling''! 
:'''Giovanni''': (interview) Oh, that was my fault. I didn't check my equipment. It won't happen again, that's for sure. 
:'''Gordon''': Let's go, Giovanni, let's go! Oh, my God...
:'''Narrator''': While Giovanni is in hot water, over in the Red kitchen, Coi is trying to get ahead.
:''[Gordon notices Coi cooking pasta]''
:'''Gordon''': (to Coi) Why are you cooking spaghetti? We haven't even fired it! DAMN!!
:'''Coi''': Fuck!
:'''Gordon''': Why?!
:'''Coi''': I'm sorry, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I can't believe this!! Why can't you just drop it to order?!
:'''Coi''': I will, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Tell me why you can't!!
:'''Coi''': I'm just trying to get ahead, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You can't get ahead! You're not that good!
:'''Coi''': (interview) I was trying to take so many steps ahead, so I'm kicking myself in the ass so, if I would have listened better, he wouldn't be screaming at me.
:'''Gordon''': Coi? Put some more spaghetti in to make yourself...
:'''Coi''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, I'm joking you stupid cow!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Jean-Philippe returns to the pass with Caesar salad]''
:'''Gordon''': What's going on on there?
:'''Jean-Philippe''': That's from, uhm, table 20 blue.
:''[Gordon checks the salad, then finds a butt of lettuce in it]''
:'''Gordon''': Hey, ALL OF YOU! COME HERE! Who dressed the Caesar salad?
:'''J''': I did chef. ''[Gordon shows the butt of lettuce to the members]'' (whispering) Jesus Christ!
:''[Gordon returns the butt of lettuce to the plate and violently throws the plate onto the floor]''
:'''Gordon''': Oi, bozo! Are you fucking stupid?!
:'''J''': No, chef, I'm not. (interview) J feels like a jackass because of that freaking lettuce. I should have seen it, it's a disgrace. It really is.
:'''Gordon''': Did you see that?
:'''J''': I did not, Chef. If I saw it, I would never put it in there.
:'''Giovanni''': (interview) Pretty hard to believe that butt of lettuce went out there. It's pretty hard to miss that big lettuce when you try to toss it in a small salad.
:'''Gordon''': Un-fucking-believable.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Gordon checks on lamb brought up by Ben Walanka]''
:'''Gordon''': Come here! All of you, come here! Put it down! (to Ben) Put it fucking down! What is that?
:'''Ben Walanka''': Lamb chop, sir.
:'''Gordon''': Lamb chop, yeah? Eat it. (gives the lamb to Ben and he eats it) Happy now? Now it's getting thinner and thinner and thinner. Look, there's another one that's ripped to fuck there now. Too thin, cowboy! 
:'''Robert''': (interview) I'm like. &quot;Oh, why are sending that out?&quot; It looked like a piece of carppacio on a bone, man.
:'''Gordon''': (to Ben) How can someone so fucking fat slice something so fucking thin?!
:'''Ben Walanka''': Sorry, chef. It won't happen again, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I wouldn't even serve that to my fucking dog!
:'''Ben Walanka''': I'll fix it right now, chef.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
;''[Colleen brings her wellingtons to the pass]''
:'''Gordon''': Hey, stay here you. Three Wellingtons, you brought me four. One medium, one medium-well, one well done. Where's the medium one? 
:'''Colleen''': The medium one's here, Chef. 
:'''Gordon''': Where's the medium-well? 
:'''Colleen''': The medium-well's here, Chef. 
:'''Gordon''': Where's the well done one, then? 
:'''Colleen''': It's right here, Chef. 
:'''Gordon''': So what the fuck is this one?
:'''Colleen''': I don't know. 
:'''Gordon''': You don't know. That's funny, isn't it? A little &quot;Ha-ha,&quot; &quot;Tee-hee,&quot; and &quot;God Bless Nebraska?&quot; 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon:''' On order, four covers, table three. One scallops, one spaghetti, one risotto, one caesar...
:'''Seth:''' (to Giovanni) Bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon!
:'''Gordon''': Entrées: One Dory, one chicken, one lamb, one wellington.
:'''Giovanni''': It's coming.
:'''Seth:''' Right here.
:'''Gordon:''' Seth! SETH!
:'''Seth''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Come here! What did I just call out?
:'''Seth:''' ''[wiping his face with a cloth]'' I... I don't know, chef.
:'''Gordon:''' Yeah, I know you don't know because you weren't even fucking prepared to listen. No wonder you're struggling.
:''[Seth uses the same cloth he just wiped his face with to clean a pan, then wipes his face with it again]''
:'''Gordon:''' What is he doing? Hey you, hey you, come here... ''[takes the cloth from Seth, and looks at him in disgust]''
:'''Seth:''' Sorry, chef.
:'''Gordon:''' I just watched you wipe your face and then wipe the pan. If this one's for your fucking nose, where's your cooking cloth?
:'''Seth:''' Uh, I'll get one, chef.
:'''Gordon:''' ''[throws the cloth back to Seth]'' Fuck off will you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[after Jean-Philippe returned to the pass with more food, Gordon has had it]''
:'''Gordon''': (disappointed) What is going on? Oh no! Oh! ''[cuts to Coi accidentally dropped her spaghetti on her station]'' Fuck off - oh, no! Shit! Look at that! You, guy! (Robert) Come here, you fat fuck! Come here! All of you, come here! COME HERE! Hey, hey, look at me. You are pathetic. NO-ONE'S won! Fuck off, both teams, start thinking about two of you to fucking go home! (to Coi) You, pathetic! I don't want anymore! (to Ben) I don't want to wait for your shit anymore, (to Danny) I don't want your shit anymore, (to Seth) I don't want you drying your face, and then fucking cooking with a cloth, '''YOU SCUMMY FUCKER! GET OUT!!''' ''[all chefs exited the kitchen except Ben; he approaches him]'' GET OUT!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Something's really bugging me, you know that? And I can't stop thinking about it and here's why. If a customer goes out for dinner and their steak is overcooked or undercooked, it gets redone. And they move on and enjoy the evening. But if a customer goes out for dinner and they get served a butt of lettuce, that's how reputations get destroyed in minutes, ''[to J]'' butt-head! 

=== Episode Five [5.05] ===

''[Gordon asks for wellingtons in the Red kitchen]''
:'''Gordon''': Where's the wellington, please?
:'''Andrea''': Chef, I'm re-firing the wellington. The bottom's burning.
:'''Gordon''': ''[begins searching]'' Where's the medium-well wellington?
:'''Andrea''': I'm putting projector paper.
:'''Gordon''': ''[finds that Andrea has hid her burnt meat underneath her station]'' Oh, shut up you, yeah? Shut up. What is this? ''[starts getting the meat]''
:'''Andrea''': They burned. I'm not quite sure why.
:'''Gordon''': Watch. There you go, look. (to the members) Hey, come here! Oy, oy, oy! There you go. There you go. There--Oh, dear! ''[throws a burnt wellington against the refrigerator]'' Fucking pile of shit!!
:'''Andrea''': (interview) I'm screwed. I'm fucking screwed.
:'''Gordon''': Anything else you hid? What else did you hid?!
:'''Andrea''': No, chef. That's it, chef.
:'''Gordon''': That's it? Is it?! WHY'D YOU DO IT?!
:'''Andrea''': Trying to get it together, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I just don't-- I just don't understand it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Jean-Philippe returns to the pass with dessert]''
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Red, [Table] 53. Tanya Steel.
:'''Gordon''': Not done? (returns to the workstation) There you go. Now I've had enough. ''[slams the plate on the stove]'' Come here! There you go. (to Carol; gives her a piece of pear) Take a bite and pass it along. (to LA) LA, wake up, yeah?
:'''Coi''': It's hard as a fucking rock.
:'''Gordon''': Raw pastry, raw pear. That's her! ''[kicks a bin]''
:'''Andrea''': (interview) Chef Ramsay wasn't kidding when he said it was raw. It was raw. That's just, &quot;Sorry. Poor judgement.&quot;
:'''Gordon''': (to Colleen) You didn't know that's raw pastry with a raw pear?
:'''Colleen''': No, chef.
:'''Andrea''': (interview) Everybody else was just looking around like, &quot;You've got to be kidding me.&quot;
:'''Gordon''': Un-fucking-believable! ''[goes to the blue kitchen and sits in fetal position]''
:'''Narrator:''' Tonight, dinner service has totally collapsed.
:'''Gordon:''' Oh, Christ almighty! Two and a half hours of bullshit.
:'''Narrator''': And Chef Ramsay is at the end of his rope.
:'''Gordon''': (to Jean-Philippe; after returning to the pass with raw desserts) Oh fuck off! I'm... I've had enough! ''[goes to the red kitchen]'' Hey, when I say, I've had enough! I've had enough! Stoves off! ''[calls both teams]'' Come here! That was pathetic! And you were absolutely useless! CLEAR DOWN! I can't take it anymore! It's been the worst performance so far! '''SWITCH IT FUCKING OFF!!!''' ''[throws his spoon away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon:''' There was no place in the kitchen I could put Colleen where she wasn't a disaster. It's time for her to go back to where she belongs, teaching. Because she certainly can't cook.

=== Episode Six [5.06] ===

:'''Narrator''': As the Blue Team heads to the spa for a day of pampering... 
:'''J''': ''Off to the spa we go...'' 
:'''Narrator''': ...Back in the dining room, Max's mom lets J.P. know that he'll be working with someone to plan the party. 
:'''Brenda''': This gentleman is very recommended. 
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Yes. 
:'''Brenda''': So, um... 
:'''Francisco''': ''Bonjour'', darling! 
:'''Brenda''': Oh, here he is now. 
:'''Narrator''': ...Someone he knows all too well. 
:'''Francisco''': Oh, it's so good to see you! ''[hugs J.P.]'' I'm so happy to be here. Are you thrilled to see me? 
:'''Brenda''': Alright, well, see you tomorrow. 
:'''Francisco''': Thank you. 
:'''Jean-Philippe''': (to Francisco) Listen, you. You are not interfering with my job. 
:'''Francisco''': I respect your boundaries. 
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Alright, I'll do my thing, and then you do your little thing. 
:'''Francisco''': &quot;My little thing.&quot; Oh, it will be so happy.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Good. 
:'''Francisco''': Oh, here they [the Red Team] come. 
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Ladies, ladies, ladies, we've done a few parties in the past with Francisco. 
:'''Francisco''': I'm so excited to be here, this is so ''fabulous''! ''[the ladies laugh]'' Wait until you see what we're doing. We are going to go up, up, and away with beautiful balloons, all around. It's going to be so festive! 
:'''Coi''': (interview) Oh, Francisco's just fabulous, all the way around.
:'''Francisco''': We have twinkly centerpieces on all of the tables... 
:'''Andrea''': (laughing) Twinkly! 
:'''Coi''': (interview) It's the way he talks, it's the way he dresses, everything. He's fabulous. 
:'''Francisco''': We are going to make this the most beautiful ''sports arena''! 
:'''LA''': (interview) I'm gay, that dude is '''parade''' gay.

=== Episode Seven [5.07] ===

:'''Giovanni''': How long for the risotto and pasta?
:'''Paula''': Plating up the pasta right now.
:'''Andrea''': How's your risotto?
:'''Carol''': I'm going. I'm going.
:'''Gordon''': Where's the risotto?
:'''Carol''': Right here chef.
:'''Gordon''': Carol!
:'''Carol''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': ''[tastes the risotto then spits it out]'' Taste that rice, taste the rice. It's like mush! Show me the rice.
:'''Carol''': Right here.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, my God! It's overcooked! It's like mush! Who cooked the rice?
:''[flashback to when J cooked the rice for both teams, pouring two boxes into one pan]''
:'''Andrea''': The blue team.
:'''Gordon''': The blue team? What? ''[goes over to the blue kitchen]'' Oh, come here you, all of you! Who cooked this rice?
:'''J''': I did, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Look at it, J! How can you do that, J? ''[hurls the rice in the trash]'' ''J!'' For both teams?
:'''J''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Aw, fucking hell! Oh, come on! You can't do this!
:'''Lacey''': (interview) The risotto was mushy, clumpy and nasty, and it definitely was not a good way to start the evening.
:'''Gordon''': It's mush! Did you cook it all in the same pan?
:'''J''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, fuck me! Oh, come on, fuck off J!
:'''J''': I'll get a pot on, chef. (interview) That pissed off Chef Ramsay, and I really didn't need that, because he's been riding me hard the past couple of days.
:'''Gordon''': (to Jean-Philippe) Jean-Philippe, stop the risotto, yeah? (to J) J! I can't believe you just screwed the service in both kitchens!
:'''Robert''': (interview) J, you're my friend and I like you a lot, but today, you fucking suck, man.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Jean-Philippe returns to the pass with pasta]''
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Pasta undercooked, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Is it?
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Yeah, it's really undercooked, chef.
:'''Gordon''': (to Carol) Hey, you, madam. The pasta's raw! Who's running the appetisers?
:'''Carol''': I am, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Well, then run it, then! Does she [Andrea] wipe your arse?
:'''Carol''': No, chef. (interview) I get fucking yelled at because this stupid bitch can't fucking cook?! What the hell is up with that?! (to Ramsay) There's must be some mix-in because it's...
:'''Gordon''': What?! Why aren't you tasting?
:'''Carol''': I was tasting it chef.
:'''Gordon''': So you tasted it and you knew it's raw, yet you still sent it!
:'''Carol''': (interview) That stupid bitch doesn't fucking say anything when Chef Ramsay's yelling at me, '''FUCK THIS SHIT!'''
:'''Gordon''': Madam, come here you mouthy little bitch! You [Andrea] come here!
:'''Andrea''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': (to Jean-Philippe) Hey, give me that table out there! (to Carol and Andrea) And sit on that table and eat that! Both of you, fuck off out there! It's not undercooked, it's raw! RAW, Carol! ''[gets ticket from Jean-Philippe]''
:'''Andrea''': (to Carol) Let's eat it. Yeah, let's get this fucking over with.
:'''Gordon''': (to Carol and Andrea) Hey, you're not coming back to this clear until you let me know how it tastes!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Narrator''': While Carol and Andrea chew on their mistakes, in the blue kitchen, J is hoping to redeem himself.
:'''Gordon''': (with a piece of undercooked salmon) J! Come on, then! Look, it's still stone-cold. Back in the oven! Fucking hell...
:'''Ben''': J, I know you're busy, buddy, but how long on the salmon, my man?
:'''J''': Five minutes.
:'''Robert''': Give me the tuna!
:'''Ben''': He said four minutes out. Can you make it four?
:'''Gordon''': Everything you've touched tonight, so far, has been screwed.
:'''Robert''': (interview) J just lost his shit, man. He was just clamming up, didn't take control. He was burning the seafood, he was sending raw seafood.
:'''Gordon''': That's called burnt salmon, not seared salmon!
:'''Robert''': (interview) It takes a real good chef to recover. (to J) You can really turn this around if you want to.
:'''J''': I know.
:'''Robert''': Wipe your face, wipe your face. ''[J wipes his face with his sleeve]'' With a rag!
:'''Gordon''': J, where's the salmon?
:'''J''': Coming around. Right here, chef.
:'''Gordon''': ''[finds out that the salmon is overdone]'' Hey, bozo, SAUCE!! Come here, you. Put that down, come here, you. Come here, you! Get in there! GET IN!
''[leads J into the pantry and slams the door]''
:'''J''': Fuck!
:'''Gordon''': WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!
:'''J''': I'm here, chef.
:'''Gordon''': It's not good enough, J!
:'''J''': I know, chef. I got no fucking excuse.
:'''Gordon''': What's the matter with you?!
:'''J''': I don't know. I'll fucking turn it on right now, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I can't fucking go any further! Please, wake up!
:'''J''': Yes, chef!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon''': I've got sauce on one, and two Dory on. LA?
:''[LA is standing still and staring into space]''
:'''Paula''': (interview) It's almost like LA was half-asleep or something.
:'''Gordon''': Come on, LA!
:'''Gloria''': Come on! LA, wake up! Are you sleeping?!
:'''LA''': No, I'm...
:'''Gordon''': She's dreaming. Come on, ''(voice cracks)'' more sauce, you silly cow!
:'''LA''': (interview) He called me a cow. For the first time.
:'''Gordon''': Don't cook all the fucking Dory in one pan unless you're boiling them, yes?
:'''LA''': Yes, chef. (interview) In the real world, you wouldn't have someone yelling at you like that. You wouldn't have someone calling you a cow, a bitch. You wouldn't. 'Cos if someone in the real world called you a cow or a bitch, you would walk up to them and sock them in the head.
:'''Gordon''': How long for the beef, please?
:'''LA''': 30 seconds chef.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Narrator''': As LA tries to get up to speed, over in the blue kitchen...
:'''Gordon''': J! Where's the other scallop?
:'''J''': Right here, chef.
:''[J brings the scallops to the pass; they're badly overcooked]''
:'''Gordon''': Have you seen this shit?
:'''Scott''': Disastrous, isn't it?
:'''Gordon''': I have had enough. ''[calls the blue team]'' Come here, you! Leave it, PUT THAT DOWN! You, come here! You come here!
:'''Ben''': Yes, chef.
[the team members gather around the pass]
:'''Gordon''': What is that? What IS that? What is that? That's us at our best, WHAT IS IT?! Wait, it gets better! Look, touch that!
:'''Ben''': It's rubber, chef.
:Gordon: T-Oh, my GOD! Unbelievable-- ''[J goes to touch one of the scallops, and Ramsay knocks his hand away]'' No, no no no no! NO! GET OUT! '''OUT, OUT, OUT!''' GET OUT! '''OUT, GET OUT!''' Take your jacket off, and fuck off!!
:'''J''':  (interview) I guess I don't belong here, so... I'll be going home. I'm here for a reason, and it's my boy and my wife, so of course I'm disappointed. It was a tough day. (in the dorms) Oh...that's fucked up bro. (interview) My dream when I came to Hell's Kitchen was to win. So, uh, now it's time to move on and get my own restaurants going. You know, I don't need Chef Ramsay's opinion anymore, I've got it. ''[entering the taxicab]'' Tomorrow's another day! Let's do it. (interview) It's time for J Maxwell to do his own thing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Where are the Wellingtons?
:'''Ben Walanka''': Five and a half minutes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I'm watching you like a fucking hawk.
:'''Ben Walanka''': I know you are, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You know why? Do you know why?
:'''Ben Walanka''': I don't-I don't know, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I want you out. You're not cutting it. You're dreaming.
:'''Ben Walanka''': (interview) It hurts. It hurts when someone goes at you like that.
:'''Gordon''': Stop! Stop, stop, stop! Put that down. ''[finds that Ben has put fresh Wellingtons in a tray filled with burnt bits of pastry]'' Oh, my god! Look! Look!
:'''Danny''': (interview) Ben was struggling, just getting beat up by chef. Ben's just like J, in dinner service he just falls apart.
:'''Gordon''': Come here, you! Get in there, get in! ''[Gordon leads Ben into the pantry]'' What's your fucking game?
:'''Ben Walanka''': No game, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Tell me something straight. What are you doing?
:'''Ben Walanka''': Chef, I'm doing everything I can...
:'''Gordon''': Why are you putting them on a dirty tray?
:'''Ben Walanka''': Chef, only because I was doing Wellington on them before, and I could not find any more...
:'''Gordon''': And that's good enough for you?
:'''Ben Walanka''': No, it's not, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Is it fucked?
:'''Ben Walanka''': It's not. I don't want to do it in a...
:'''Gordon''': YOU DIRTY PIG!
:'''Ben Walanka''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': CLEAN THE FUCKING TRAY!!
:'''Ben Walanka''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': One more, and you're fucking history. GET IN!
:'''Ben Walanka''': (interview) Today, it took everything I had not to go up in my little coccoon. I just had to push forward.
:'''Gordon''': DIRTY PIG!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Robert''': (to Lacey) I swear to God if you win this I will hang up my coat and become a crack whore!

=== Episode Eight [5.08] ===

:''[Lacey's meat pan catches fire; Gordon approaches her station]''
:'''Gordon''': Leave it! Fucking hell, what is that?!
:'''Lacey''': Wha-I...
:'''Gordon''': What is that, I said! Look at it! It's on fire!
:'''Danny''': Is this your well-done?
:'''Lacey''': (tearfully) I don't know.
:'''Ben''': (interview) She was lost. ''[in mockery of Lacey]'' &quot;I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON HERE, HUHU!!&quot;
:'''Gordon''': What's the matter with you?!
:'''Lacey''': I CAN'T COOK MEAT, CHEF!
:'''Gordon''': What do you mean you can't cook meat?!
:'''Lacey''': Obviously I'm weak and confused...
:'''Gordon''': Hey madam, madam! Get out! GET OUT!!
:'''Robert''': (interview) Can't handle the heat, get out the kit-CHEN!!
:'''Gordon''': ''[follows Lacey to the pantry]'' &quot;I can't cook meat?!&quot;
:'''Lacey''': I–I'm sorry. I just got really confused.
:'''Gordon''': If you got confused, why didn't you say something?!
:'''Lacey''': I did and then Robert put the chicken and the chicken went on fire and...!
:'''Gordon''': Why can't you just make the effort?
:'''Lacey''': I'm trying to make an effort.
:'''Gordon''': Do you want to come back in there and make an effort?
:'''Lacey''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Well, wake up and get a grip!! Come on! ''[leads Lacey out of the pantry]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Robert:''' C'mon, guys! Let's fucking do it!
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, move!
:''[Robert bends over and a ripping sound is heard. As Ben and Lacey look on in shock, we see that Robert has split open the seat of his trousers. He carries on, unconcerned.]''
:'''Robert:''' Come on guys, keep pushing! (interview) All I heard was &quot;RRRRRIIIP!&quot;
:'''Scott:''' (to Gordon) Robert's ass is hanging out all over the place.
:'''Robert:''' (interview) &quot;Ooh, I feel a little breeze on the back of my ass!&quot; I'll cook in my boxer shorts, I don't give a shit.
:'''Gordon:''' Damn!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Gordon checks on meat brought up by Lacey; finds that the lamb was badly carved]''
:'''Gordon''': Oh, my God!
:'''Lacey''': Hmm... Fuck me!
:'''Gordon''': Come here, all of you! What is that? Fucking bone's thicker than the meat! WHAT IS THAT?!
:'''Lacey''': I DON'T KNOW CHEF!
:'''Gordon''': ''[throws the lamb in the bin]'' It's not good enough! GET OUT! YOU'RE not good enough!! Piss off!! ''[follows Lacey into the pantry]'' Madam, look at me. Let's be honest, you're done. You can't waste my time any longer!
:'''Lacey:''' I agree.
:'''Gordon:''' Give me your jacket, and leave Hell's Kitchen. And go in there, and say goodbye. Properly, say it properly! Let's go.
:'''Lacey:''' ''[to the blue team]'' Thank you for everything!
:''[Danny quickly waves to Lacey and then resumes cooking; Ben and Robert ignore her altogether]''
:'''Robert:''' (interview) There's a small violin, just for Lacey. ''[blows a raspberry]'' She sucks. Adios, biatch.
:'''Gordon:''' Piss off! Let's go! Step up a gear.
:'''Lacey:''' (interview) On one hand, it's a relief. I can get back to my normal life. ''[packing her suitcase]'' Now I can get some sleep at night. (interview) But you know, another part of me wishes to stay and learn more and have that chance to win but unfortunately I fucked up tonight and I can only look back on the positive things which there weren't many for me. You know, my mom told me when I came here, &quot;Don't make enemies.&quot; and that's the first thing I did and kept doing the whole time I was here. Sorry mom, I should've listened.

=== Episode Nine [5.09] ===

''[Gordon checks on sauce brought up by Ben]''
:'''Gordon''': Oh Ben!
:'''Ben''': Chef!?
:'''Gordon''': ''[returns the sauce to the workstation]'' Right, all three of you [Ben, Danny &amp; Robert] come here. Here we go. ''[with spoons]'' Taste time! Quick, quick, dig in there, yes? Dig in. Make sure you take a nice big mouthful. Big mouthful. Mmmmmm. ''[spits out the sauce as does Robert]''
:'''Robert''': (interview) I spit it right out, it was disgusting.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, salty soup! You're just reheating it!
:'''Ben''': Yes.
:'''Gordon''': So how can you fuck it?!
:'''Ben''': It was bland before I over reduced it, it's my fault, I should've tasted it chef.
:'''Gordon''': You're clumsy! You salted it!
:'''Ben''': Yes chef.
:'''Gordon''': You over seasoned it!
:'''Ben''': Yes I did, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You didn't over reduce it!
:'''Ben''': (interview) I'm a soldier, that's why I say yes chef.
 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': One beef salad. Entrées: one bass, one New York steak.
:''[a woman comes up to the hotplate to reorder food]''
:'''Lady''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Yes, madam?
:'''Lady''': Totally flat. No flavor on the carpaccio. This the second time I've had to reorder.
:'''Gordon''': Okay, thank you. (to the blue team) Hey, get the veal along please, yes? Let's go.
:'''Lady''': Chef! ''[whistles to Gordon]''
:'''Gordon''': (to the woman) Right! Don't whistle at me, I'm not your fucking dog, yeah? You look more like a dog than I do. Fuck off, will you?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
''[Gordon checks on potatoes brought up by Carol]'' 
:'''Gordon''': Oh dear. Excuse me! Oh, dear! Let's go, come down! Hurry up! Taste them. There, there you go, there's a nice big slice for you. Aw, fuck it!
:'''Carol''': Hard and raw chef.
:'''Gordon''': Fucking hell! ''[throws the potatoes away]'' Why are the potatoes crunchy? Who cooked them then?
:'''Carol''': I did chef. If they go in the oven when the order comes in, they should be fully cooked. (interview) I don't know why they didn't cook. I never cooked potatoes that long before I sliced that thin.
:'''Gordon''': (To Jean-Philippe) Hey, come in here you! Have I got news for you, yeah? Tell him then, tell him! HE'S GOING TO GO AND EXPLAIN TO THE CUSTOMER!!
:'''Jean-Philippe''': What's happening?
:'''Carol''': The potatoes are undercooked. If they go in when the order comes in, they should be fine.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': What's undercooked?
:'''Gordon''': Say that again?!
:'''Carol''': If she [Andrea] fires it when the order comes in, when it's ready to go -
:'''Gordon''': Au-gratin dauphinois need to be cooked before service!
:'''Carol''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Now you're blaming her.
:'''Carol''': I'm not blaming her chef.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, Andrea, she's trying to sabotage. She can't even tur -
:'''Carol''': I'm not.
:'''Gordon''': What?
:'''Carol''': I'm not sabotaging.
:'''Andrea''': (interview) I was embarrassed for Carol. She's pointing out other people's mistakes. Point me out! I dare you!
:'''Gordon''': Here's the next question, how long then til they cook?
:'''Carol''': Maybe ten minutes.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, look how cool she is! She said &quot;maybe ten minutes&quot;!
:'''Carol''': (interview) They should've been done. Why didn't they cook?
:'''Gordon''': (to the customers) Maybe ten minutes everybody, for your Au-gratin dauphinois!! (to Carol) Look at them, the poor souls! Are you stupid?!
:'''Carol''': No, chef. I'm not.
:'''Gordon''': Bullshit! ''[throws his towel away]''
:'''Andrea''': (interview) Those potatoes! I was embarrassed for Carol.
:'''Gordon''': Why didn't they cook to begin with?
:'''Carol''': Chef, yes, I cooked them in the cream for an hour.
:'''Gordon''': WHAT?!
:'''Carol''': Yes.
:'''Gordon''': You cooked them in the cream for an hour?
:'''Carol''': In boiling cream for an hour.
:'''Gordon''': Crunchy gratin dauphinois. Useless.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
''[Carol pours more cream over her potatoes]''
:'''Gordon''': What is that on there?
:'''Carol''': I just poured more cream on it and I'm going to put it back in.
:'''Gordon''': My God! Oh, Jesus Christ! ''[gets the potatoes dumps them in the bin]'' Are you mad?
:'''Carol''': No, chef.
:'''Andrea''': (interview) There were no saving those potatoes. None whatsoever. They just looked like shit. They looked like fucking shit! It was awful.
:'''Gordon''': I wouldn't even serve that to a fucking pig farm, madam. Forget it. ''[throws the tray into the sink]'' You don't care do you? Because if you did care, you wouldn't serve me that crap! This is supposed to be your exciting menu! Really?
:'''Carol''': (interview) I feel completely awful. This is such a great dish and I fucking ruined it!

=== Episode Ten [5.10] ===

:'''Gordon''': On order, six covers table 20. Entrées: Two wellington, two chicken, one lamb, one Dory. Wellington's medium, yes?
:'''Final 6''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': (to Andrea) Right Andrea, what's going? ''[gets no answer]'' No answer. I'm not in the best of moods, ah? I don't like being ignored in my own fucking kitchen. What's going?
:'''Andrea''': I have no idea, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, my God almighty.
:'''Robert''': (interview) On garnish, you've got to be thirty seconds before everybody else. If she's not checking the tickets for us, we're screwed.
:'''Gordon''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, she's running the section, yet she has no idea of what's going. (to Giovanni) Tell her, chef.
:'''Giovanni''': Two wellingtons one medium, one medium-rare and lamb medium? I'm sorry, lamb medium-rare. Two lamb medium-rare.
:'''Gordon''': Oh my God.
:'''Robert and Ben Walanka''': Two chicken.
:'''Paula''': Two chicken and a Dory.
:'''Giovanni''': Two wellington, Two chicken and a lamb.
:'''Gordon''': Two wellington, two chicken, one lamb, one fucking Dory.
:'''Final 6''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': One wellington's medium, the rest is fucking nor-MAL. 
:'''Final 6''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Unlike us! (to Andrea) What's going, madam?
:'''Andrea''': I have no idea, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You have no idea. 
:'''Andrea''': I have no idea, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, come here you. Hey... fuck off! Hey madam, (points to the front entrance) through the door there! FUCK OFF!
:''[Andrea walks out of the door while the camera crew follows her]''
:'''Andrea''': Get that fucking camera out of my face.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Andrea, relax. The only thing he wants from you is to come back. You need to fight back. If you don't, you're finished.
:'''Andrea''': (interview) This is the hardest... most difficult, most up-and-down thing that I've ever, ''ever'' done in my entire life! ''[to Jean-Philippe]'' It's just been out of fucking control tonight. There's no communication with anybody, and I just haven't recovered. 
:'''Jean-Philippe''': You want to stay?
:'''Andrea''': Yes, I want to fucking stay! I've been through too much hell right now to fucking leave!
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Absolutely. So keep it to Gordon.
:'''Andrea''': (interview) It's just a reminder of how difficult it's been and how much...how much I just want this so bad.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': So now you need to be strong. Go back in there, and give it your best shot. Go on, then!
:'''Andrea''': (interview) I put everything I have into this every day, and I just had to go in there and fight for the rest of it.
:'''Gordon''': ''[to Andrea]'' Right, what's going?
:'''Andrea''': Two chicken, two lamb, one wellington, one Dory.
:'''Gordon''': Thank you. Back in the kitchen! NOW WAKE UP, ANDREA!
:'''Andrea''': Yes, chef!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Dory, salmon, lamb, wellington!
:'''Robert''': Two minutes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': ''[notices Robert putting the bacon into the John Dory]'' Robert, just come here!
:'''Robert''': Oh, shit!
:'''Gordon''': Why have you put the bacon inside the Dory?
:'''Robert''': To crisp it up, chef, real quickly.
:'''Gordon''': What's the bacon with?
:'''Robert''': For the scallops.
:'''Gordon''': So why have you put it with the Dory? Suppose he's allergic to bacon! You can send somebody to the hospital on the back of that!
:'''Robert''': Oh, you're right.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, come on! ''[kicks a bin]'' &quot;You're right&quot;? Course, I'm fucking right! Get the bacon out!
:'''Robert''': (interview) Yeah, I fucked up and you know what? I know in my heart, I got it. I'm a bull.
:'''Gordon''': Come on, Mr Bacon Man!
:'''Narrator''': While Robert tries again on the John Dory, Chef Ramsay is counting on Giovanni on the meat station to get out the first entrée of the night.
:''[Gordon checks on chicken special at the pass]''
:'''Gordon''': (with a chewed up piece of chicken) What is that?
:'''Scott''': Giovanni's best.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, Ben.
:'''Ben Walanka''': Chef?
:'''Gordon''': Is that a chewed up bit of chicken from the dog? Here. ''[gives the chicken to Ben]'' That's your special. Yeah, have a word with him, yeah? He's given up. Take all the garnish back, do whatever you wish with it. Your special has now become not very special thanks to dickface (Giovanni) there. Hurry up, Giovanni!
:'''Giovanni''': Yeah, but I'm not dickface, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, say that again?!
:'''Giovanni''': I said I'm not dickface, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, you're pissed, are you? Not as fucking- Look at me, '''LOOK AT ME IN THE EYES!!''' '''NOT AS PISSED AS ''''I'''' AM!! YOU ''''FUCKIN'''' ARE!! DONKEY!!'''
:'''Giovanni''': No.
:'''Ben''': (interview) Whooo! Boy, oh boy!
:'''Gordon''': Cause right now, I don't '''GIVE A FUCK!''' '''DICKFACE!'''
:'''Giovanni''': (interview) I'm an emotional person, but he can get in my face all he wants, he will not break me.
:'''Gordon''': You're sending shit, and you're trying to get away with it! Now I'm ''ready'' for an argument! SENDING ME THAT, YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED!!
:'''Robert''': (interview) You know, he just ''wants'' you to pop off.
:'''Gordon''': And you want to get all sensitive! You want to get all fucking negative! 
:'''Giovanni''': No, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Look at me, look at me, you send me shit like that, take your jacket and FUCK OFF!
:'''Giovanni''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': I'm not sending that shit, &quot;chef!&quot;
:'''Giovanni''': No, chef. Sorry, chef. (interview) I wasn't angry at him, I was angry at myself. It was just, I was boiling inside and... and he said something to me.
:'''Gordon''': That's the well done one. And look at me, I think you're too fucked to get upset with me, you don't give a fuck what I call you. This is not personal, this is professional! That personal was a piece of shit, now pull it back!!
:'''Giovanni''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': '''DICKFACE!'''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Giovanni, Robert! Hey Andrea, come here you! ''[gathers them at the corner]'' All three of you are pathetic! You (Giovanni) don't care...
:'''Giovanni''': I care, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You're (Robert) way behind, and you (Andrea) haven't got a fucking clue! Can we work together as a team?!
:'''Giovanni, Robert and Andrea''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Two wellington. One well-done! '''Get it ON!!!'''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Danny''': (interview) One station failed...
:'''Scott''': ''[Andrea's one pan catches fire]'' Pan's on fire! Pan's on fire!
:'''Danny''': ...and another station failed. It's no joke.
:'''Gordon''': We're going up in flames. ''[pick Andrea's pan]''
:'''Paula''': (interview) First night with the Black team, one big cluster fuck.
:'''Gordon''': Same shit, different day! (throws the pan into the sink)
:'''Scott''': ''[Ben's pan also catches fire]'' What about the rest of the table? We need cover-up.
:'''Gordon''': Dynamic six, yeah. My fucking ass. Fuck off the lot of you! ''[walks out of the kitchen and throws his towel away]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': ''[calls the five chefs back in the kitchen after Giovanni's elimination.]'' I just spent the last hour upstairs in my office thinking. It just doesn't make sense! How can the final six be so shit? I called you all down here because on the back of that performance, I'm now going to do something I have never ever done before. I'm shutting down Hell's Kitchen.

=== Episode Eleven [5.11] ===

:'''Narrator''': After a couple of days without any word on how Robert is doing, Chef Ramsay calls the chefs down for a meeting.
:'''Gordon''': So you're feeling fresh, very relaxed. Did you enjoy the whole atmosphere at the Borgata Resort?
:'''Danny''': Very much so.
:'''Ben''': Incredible, Chef.
:'''Gordon''': Sadly, you came back minus one individual. Clearly, you're all deeply concerned. I'm not going to tell you how he's doing, I'm going to let him tell you himself. Chef Robert.
:''[Robert appears and everyone applauds and smile]''
:'''Gordon''': Okay, big boy. Let me just say how pleased I am to see you.
:'''Robert''': Thank you.
:'''Gordon''': How are you feeling?
:'''Robert''': Not good.
:'''Gordon''': Ah?
:'''Robert''': Not good.
:''[Ben stops smiling.]''
:'''Gordon''': What did the medics say?
:'''Robert''': I have [[w:Pericarditis|pericarditis]], which is the swelling of the sac around the heart which leads to heart disease.
:''[Gordon shakes his head in dismay, Andrea and Paula fight back tears.]''
:'''Gordon''': Oh dear. Are you coming back?
:'''Robert''': No.
:'''Gordon''': No?
:''[Danny's face drops]''
:'''Robert''': I'm not coming back.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Ben has been struggling on the garnish station]''
:'''Gordon''': What's going, Ben? (gets no response) Oh, my God almighty! Oh, come on. Three Dory, two salmon, one chicken. (sees what Ben is doing) Why is he putting the lettuce there like that? He's trying to sauté it.
:'''Scott''': I don't know, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Look at the mess of this guy.
:'''Scott''': He throwing everything in a pot.
:'''Ben Walanka''': (interview) I was just absolutely... just mind-boggled.
:'''Gordon''': ''[picks up a pan and a piece of lettuce]'' You've got a pan here like that and you're throwing lettuce on top like that... ''you're shit.'' You are so shit, you don't realise what you're doing!
:'''Danny''': (interview) Oh, man Ben! Like, come on. You know better than that.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, come here a minute. Why are you doing this? You're just adding the lettuce to the tomato and cucumber, you're not sautéing the lettuce?
:'''Ben''': Chef, I was in a side pan s-sautéing the tomatoes and the cucumbers, chef. But I did it wrong, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, you're fuckin' up, you're cutting corners, and you're slipping big time! Do you know what? Do you know your biggest problem that'll always be the downfall of your career? You're full of fuckin' shit! 'cause every time you get fuckin' something wrong, you give a bullshit fuckin' excuse, but right now, I'm fed up with your bullshit excuses!
:'''Ben''': (interview) There's really nothing that I can do to please Chef Ramsay, and I'm slowly but surely being able to accept that.
:'''Gordon''': '''FUCK OFF!!'''
:'''Ben''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You're too dangerous to have on service. I asked you what you're doing, you said you're sautéeing tomatoes, ARE YOU '''FUNK! YOU DIRTY PIG! GET OUT!! GET OUT!!''' Un-fucking-believable!
:''[Ben walks into the pantry and bangs his head on the door]''
:'''Ben''': (interview) What the fuck is going on?! I–I'm very upset right now, but I don't give up. I'm a good cook, I know how to cook. You know, I feel like I need to really try and pull it together. ''[goes in the bathroom to wash his face]'' Okay, we're back. (interview) I certainly ain't leaving here without a fight. I'll tell you that.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Ben returns to the kitchen after a quick break]''
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, right. Hey, you! Come here you! What's going through your mind now? You still going to fucking butcher me and slice me and serve shit to them?
:'''Ben Walanka''': No, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Where's your fight, man?!
:'''Ben''': It's here, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Where is it?!
:'''Ben''': I got it, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Then wake up, you doughnut!
:'''Ben''': '''YES, CHEF!'''
[[Category:Hell's Kitchen seasons]]</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153579</id>
      <parentid>3153577</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T15:12:24Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:1700:24A3:170:DDA9:AD74:44C:8B70</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Episode Ten [5.10] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="67293" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 1|1]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 2|2]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 3|3]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 4|4]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 5|5]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 6|6]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 7|7]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 8|8]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 9|9]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 10|10]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 11|11]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 12|12]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 13|13]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 14|14]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 15|15]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 16|16]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 17|17]] | '''[[Hell's Kitchen|Main]]'''
----
&lt;br&gt;
'''''[[w:Hell's Kitchen (U.S.)|Hell's Kitchen]]''''' is an American cooking reality show based on [[w:Hell's Kitchen (UK)|the British program of the same title]], where Chef [[w:Gordon Ramsay|Gordon Ramsay]] puts aspiring chefs through different challenges and dinner services to decide who is the best.

=== Episode One [5.01] ===

:'''Gordon''': And the name of the dish is what?
:'''Danny''': Mahi Gone Bananas, chef.
:'''Gordon''': ''[tastes the dish]'' It looks like ''you've'' gone slightly bananas. It's hideous. Back in line. 
:'''Danny''': (interview) Ramsay's definitely just looking for a rise out of me, which he's going to eventually get.
:'''Gordon''': So the idea came from where?
:'''Danny''': I just pulled it out of my ass, sir.
:'''Gordon''': Put it back in there because it sucks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Who's cooked the diapers?
:'''Colleen''': No diapers, sir. That's chicken enchiladas with poblano cream sauce. My name's Colleen.
:'''Gordon''': Corinne.
:'''Colleen''': Colleen.
:'''Gordon''': Corinne.
:'''Colleen''': COL-leen.
:'''Gordon''': What do you do for a living?
:'''Colleen''': I am a culinary instructor and I own a recreational cooking school.
:'''Gordon''': And were you a trained chef before you set up a school?
:'''Colleen''': No, I am not a trained chef.
:'''Gordon''': So you're not a trained chef, yet you teach chefs to cook.
:'''Colleen''': That's correct.
:'''Gordon''': How much do you charge?
:'''Colleen''': 300 per three to four hours.
:'''Gordon''': Right. Look at the size of it.
:'''Colleen''': I feed big Nebraska boys. Would you like me to get you a bite?
:'''Gordon''': No, I'll bite it myself. ''[tries dish, spits it out]''
:'''Colleen''': Okay.
:'''Gordon''': You seriously charge $300 to teach people how to make that crap?
:'''Colleen''': Y–Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I feel like I need some plastic wrap on my arse.
:'''Colleen''': (interview) It was extremely difficult to just stand there and to keep my mouth shut! (to Gordon) I teach manners, too, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Say that again?
:'''Narrator''': Cooking instructor Colleen not only offered Chef Ramsay a dish he didn't care for, but an etiquette lesson as well.
:'''Gordon''': Okay, please, Miss Manners, fuck off back in line.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': It looks like lamb chops on a bed of ratatouille.
:'''Seth''': Uh, that's mine, chef. (interview) To be like Chef Ramsay is my dream. I've read his books, I've visited his restaurant in Manhattan. I think we have very similar styles.
:'''Gordon''': How long have you been cooking?
:'''Seth''': Fifteen years around.
:'''Gordon''': And what is it?
:'''Seth''': Cinnamon crusted rack of lamb with a(n) aubergine ratatouille.
:'''Gordon''': The ratatouille, what's in there?
:'''Seth''': Tomatoes, onion, tomato sauce, tomato paste.
:'''Gordon''': ''[spits out food]'' How come the aubergine's so sweet?
:'''Seth''': There's some honey, uh...
:'''Gordon''': Honey in a ratatouille? Uh, is that normal?
:'''Crowd''': No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': That's the worst dish I've ever tasted. ''[Seth laughs]'' Fifteen years to cook that shit and you're laughing. You could make history on being the fastest exit in Hell's Kitchen. And I'm fucking serious, you know that. Back in line. ''[Seth goes back in line]'' The quicker you understand how serious I am, the quicker you'll cook better.
:'''Seth''': I'll try harder next time, sir. (interview) I thought it looked all right. I think my presentation was good. I know it's a good dish. I got to prove to him that I can cook my ass off.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Lacey and Coi are arguing during prep. Gordon approaches Coi]''
:'''Gordon''': What's the matter?
:'''Coi''': This station is fucked... up.
:'''Lacey''': Come on, Coi.
:'''Coi''': (to Lacey) Don't say a fucking thing. (to Gordon) I come over here, there's nothing fucking done, chef. Nothing!
:'''Lacey''': (to Coi) Now why don't you tell him that you're threatening me.
:'''Gordon''': (to Coi and Lacey) Oh, wait. Right. I'm just about to open the doors, okay? Don't panic. I'm not asking you to be lovebirds, okay?
:'''Coi''': Absolutely.
:'''Gordon''': Calm down, get a grip and show me some form of composure, yes?
:'''Coi''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, my God!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': On order six covers, table 20. Two spaghetti, two scallops, one risotto, one Caesar. Entrées, three wellington, get them in!
:'''Robert''': ''[shouting over Gordon]'' Ben you guys, get going!
:'''Ben''': I'm coming! I'm coming!
:'''Gordon''': Hey you. Hey fuck-wit, Come here you. Come here! I'm calling out an order and you just shout over.
:'''Robert''': Sorry, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You fucking call out the order then. You fuck, FUCKING call out the order!
:'''Robert''': I need one Caesar, two scallops, one risotto and two spaghetti now! (interview) Yeah, give me the reins man! Let me drive this bitch!
:'''Gordon''': You fucking interrupt me again next time, you're going for an early bath.
:'''Robert''': Yes.
:'''Gordon''': A big one in the hot tub!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Gordon checks on scallops brought up by Danny]''
:'''Gordon''': Danny? Come here, that's you. Overcooked scallops, let's go. It's not exactly rocket science.
:'''Danny''': Well obviously, chef. ''[angrily slams his pan; [Gordon gives him a dirty look]''
:'''Gordon''': (to Danny) Hey you, come here you.
:'''Danny''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Okay, can you cook like a team member?
:'''Danny''': I'll wash their station and my station, chef.
:'''Gordon''': How about communicating with them?
:'''Danny''': I did, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Don't fucking dare start getting fucking pissed with me. Is that clear?
:'''Danny''': Chef, yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Good. NOW JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!!
:''[power supply shuts down]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Gordon looks for spaghetti in the Red kitchen]''
:'''Gordon''': Where's the other spaghetti? ''[notices Colleen starting a fresh spaghetti in a dirty pan]'' Madam, come here. ''[gets Colleen's pan]'' You're starting a fresh one in dirty pan!
:'''Colleen''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Oh!
:'''Colleen''': (interview) The pan that I've already used and I didn't have the chance to wipe it. I felt like an idiot.
:'''Gordon''': You teach people how to cook! ''[slams the pan down on her station]''
:'''Colleen''': We have no more pans, chef.
:'''Gordon''': ''[gets some pans from Andrea's station]'' Look! Pan, pan, pan!
:'''Colleen''': Thank you, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You're going to start a fresh spaghetti in a dirty pan! Holy crap!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': Seth is hoping to score high marks with his first entrée.
:'''Gordon''': Why's it all fucking mangled?
:'''Scott''': He didn't have it ready, and then he sliced it and seared all the chops.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, Forrest! Come here you.
:'''Seth''': (interview) Ramsay, he keeps calling me &quot;Forrest&quot; as in [[w:Forrest Gump|Forrest Gump]]. I think it's a great name!
:'''Gordon''': You didn't cook it properly temperature wise, so you decided to buckle it and bastardise it. Now you're really having a laugh, yeah?
:'''Ben''': (interview) Man, this poor lamb chop just got charred. No excuse for that first lamb.
:'''Gordon''': Would you get excited to come here and eat that shit?
:'''Seth''': Absolutely not.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, fuck off, will you?
:'''Seth''': (interview) Listen, I screwed up the lamb, but at the end of the service, Gordon and I will be like peas and carrots once again!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': It's two and a half hours into the dinner service, and while Colleen has finally mastered the spaghetti, she still has a lot to learn about risotto.
:'''Gordon''': Look! ''[returns to workstation and tastes the risotto]'' Hey!
:'''Colleen''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Taste!
:'''Colleen''': Yes, chef.
:''[Gordon spits out the risotto in disgust]''
:'''Gordon''': That's the risotto! That, quite frankly, is the worst risotto I've ever tasted in my entire cooking career. Why's it so sweet? Who put sugar in there?
:'''Colleen''': ''[holds up a pot of sugar]'' I grabbed this. I thought it was salt.
:'''LA''': (interview) Are you fucking kidding me?
:'''Gordon''': That... ''[throws the risotto in the trash]'' is shit! Oh, my God!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Mashed potatoes?
:'''Wil''': ''[brings his garnishes to the pass]'' Fuck!
:'''Gordon''': What are you doing, Wil?
:'''Wil''': Sorry, chef. I don't know if this is very hot. (to his team mates) You got a cold sizzle?
:'''Gordon''': Dear, oh dear! Wil!
:'''Wil''': Yes, chef?
:'''Gordon''': You're shit!
:'''Wil''': Yes, chef. I am.
:'''Gordon''': You are so shit, it's unbelievable!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Are you on the garnish now, Robert?
:'''Robert''': I just want to help him out [Wil], chef.
:'''Gordon''': Charlie's on the garnish, Robert's on the garnish, yeah? And Wil is on planet cuckoo.
:'''Charlie''': (interview) Wil got thrown to the dogs on the garnish station. By the time I got around to help him, it was ugly.
:'''Gordon''': Wil, there's not one cook in the kitchen that hasn't been with you on the garnish tonight!
:'''Wil''': (interview) Being on the receiving end of Chef Ramsay's wrath...yeah, that sorta sucked. 
:'''Gordon''': Dear, oh dear, oh dear.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Garnish, please! (to Wil) What in the fuck are you two doing?
:'''Carol''': ''[interview; sees the customers leaving the kitchen]'' Oh no! When the customers got up and starting to walk out, I'm shocked.
:'''Gordon''': Let's go, 22!
:'''Waiter''': 22 just left.
:'''Gordon''': Twenty-two. 22 just left.
:'''Giovanni''': My table got up and left.
:'''Gordon''': ''[to Robert; tosses the plates to him]'' Hey! Hey, you! Hey, catch! THEY JUST LEFT! THEY JUST FUCKING LEFT!
:'''Giovanni''': The rest of tables got walked out.
:'''Lady''': Alright. Out of Hell's Kitchen.
:'''Gordon''': Switch it off! NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!! ''[goes to the red kitchen]'' Come here, all of you! ''[calls the blue team]'' Come here, all of you! Yeah, take a look at there! Pathetic, absolute embarrassment, utter crap! Clear down! CLEAR DOWN!!

=== Episode Two [5.02] ===

:'''Gordon''': The scallops are cooked, aren't they?
:'''Colleen''': Yes.
:'''Gordon''': Why are they still in the pan if they're cooked? They're going to be overcooked, you stupid cow! Oh, my God! Who cooked the scallops last service? Who was that?
:'''Lacey''': I did, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Come here, you! Come here! Show her how to cook a fucking scallop. Hey, by the way, she's not charging $300. Hey, this is free now. Free lesson! Stand back!
:'''Carol''': (interview) Colleen runs a cooking school, but she has no experience on the line and it clearly shows.
:'''Gordon''': (to Lacey) Teach madam [Colleen] here how to cook a fucking scallop!
:'''Lacey''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Shit!! Unbelievable!
:'''Lacey''': (interview) I almost felt honored in a weird way. (to Colleen) It's okay. It's alright.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': (to Ji) Is your ankle hurting?
:'''Ji''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, so's my fuckin' head. It's throbbin'.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Lacey brings Colleen's scallops to the pass]''
:'''Gordon''': Thank you, Lacey.
:'''Lacey''': You're welcome, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Colleen!! Do you see a difference? Pink in the middle, coloured both sides, yes?
:'''Colleen''': Yes, I do, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, did she charge you?
:'''Colleen''': (brief pause) No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, thank fuck for that. Let's go. God bless Nebraska.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Narrator''': Seth and Charlie have delivered their lobster spaghetti to the pass.
:''[Gordon checks the spaghetti; finds out that there's no lobster in it]''
:'''Gordon''': There's no fucking lobster in there.
:'''Scott''': Doesn't look like it, no.
:'''Narrator''': But, it's missing one key ingredient.
:'''Gordon''': ''[returns to the workstation and pushes a pan aside]'' Hey, fuck-wit! Come here you! Come here!
:'''Charlie''': What's this?
:'''Gordon''': There's no fucking lobster in it!
:'''Charlie''': Shit!!
:'''Gordon''': How can you give it to me with no lobster in there?!
:'''Charlie''': We're stupid, chef. Apologies.
:'''Gordon''': Wake up, Charlie!!
:'''Charlie''': Yes, chef! Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': And you [Seth], docile fucking idiot! What's the dish called?
:'''Seth''': Uhm... Uhm...
:'''Gordon''': Spaghetti of lobster!!
:'''Seth''': (interview) I feel like I just got hit by a train!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Gordon checks on salmon brought up by Colleen]''
:'''Gordon:''' Oh, my God! ''[returns to the workstation]'' Come here you. Hey, Coi, come here! Carol, Lacey, come here! (to Colleen) Away now, two Wellington, yes, one salmon and one John Dory. Where's the John Dory?
:'''Colleen:''' (brief pause) I don't have the John Dory.
:'''Gordon:''' You don't have it. Hey, look, come here. Hey, there you go, look at that. ''[holds up the salmon]'' Look, look, hold on, hey, don't run away. '''IT'S BLACK!''' On top of that, there's an added bonus. It's fucking raw in the middle.
:'''Colleen:''' Yes, chef.
:''[Gordon angrily throws the salmon away and kicks the bin]''
:'''Gordon:''' Fucking useless, fucking shit. You're not a cookery school teacher, are you? You're joking, aren't you?
:'''Colleen:''' No, I'm not joking, chef. I am a--
:'''Gordon:''' Tell me, tell me you're pomping yourself up to make yourself look good. You don't really have a cooking school?
:'''Colleen:''' No, chef, I own a cooking school. I have a business just like you do.
:'''Gordon:''' Your fucking business is not like my business. Hey, madam, let's get that fucking right.
:'''Colleen:''' You're right.
:'''Gordon:''' You're robbing people! You're a thief!! I'm concerned for the poor bastards that you've taken money off of!! ''[sees another piece of salmon burning]'' Hey, madam, lift that lid off, it looks black.
:'''Colleen:''' It IS black!
:'''Gordon''': Oh, 'GOD!!!'
:'''Colleen''': Both of them!
:'''Gordon:''' '''SHIT!''' [Gordon and Coi look physically shocked] '''SHIT! IT'S BLACK!'''
:'''Colleen:''' Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon:''' OH, MY GOD!!
:'''Carol:''' These are burning.
:'''Colleen:''' I know.
:'''Gordon:''' Hey, madam, madam! '''GET OUT!!''' Get on the raw bar. Lacey! LACEY! Get on the fish!
:'''Lacey:''' Yes, chef!
:'''Colleen:''' (interview) Chef Ramsay's definitely not going to break me. He can ask me to leave, he can kick me out of the kitchen, he can do all those things, but he's not going to break me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Gordon checks on salmon brought up by Giovanni]''
:'''Gordon''': Giovanni! ''[returns to the workstation]''
:'''Giovanni''': Yes, chef?
:'''Gordon''': Hey, all of you come here! ''[points to Danny]'' He's cooking his ass off, surrounded by five muppets, yeah? The temperature's perfect, and I get that bit of shit there, look. I got given that! Would you eat that? ''[throws the salmon to Seth]'' Go on, eat it, eat it. (to Seth) Would you eat that?
:'''Seth''': No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': (to Giovanni) Would you eat that?
:'''Giovanni''': No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': ''[comes up to Giovanni]'' Hey, you can be pissed off. You got every fucking right to be pissed off. You know that, yes?
:'''Giovanni''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Fucking '''RAW'''!!
:'''Giovanni''': (interview) I've never had a chef come that close to me in my life. He can yell at me from across the kitchen, he doesn't have to get 2 inches away from my face.

=== Episode Three [5.03] ===
''[during the meat labelling challenge, with both teams both having five correct labels so far]''
:'''Seth''': (interview) Meat is one of my fortes. I definitely had six, seven out of eight without even looking.
:'''Ben''': Ring the bell, ring the bell. Go for it!
:''[Seth lightly taps the bell]''
:'''Gordon''': I can't hear that!
:'''Ben''': Ring the fucking bell!
:''[Seth hits the bell harder]''
:'''Gordon''': Seven wrong for blue, let's go.
:'''Charlie''': Holy shit! We're working backwards!
:'''J''': (interview) SETH, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!
:'''Narrator''': Seth's poor performance has set the men back. Now Lacey has a golden opportunity to redeem herself with her team.
:'''Carol''': Come on, Lacey!
:'''Lacey''': (interview) It's my chance to show my team that I can step up, and that I deserve to be here.
:'''Colleen''': Come on! We can do this!
:'''LA''': Move it, Lacey!
:'''Andrea''': (interview) Lacey was just moving things around for the feeling that she was doing something, and you know what, that's no different to how she is in the kitchen.
:''[Robert rings the men's bell]''
:'''Gordon''': Six wrong.
:'''Narrator''': Robert has only improved on Seth by one.
:'''Carol''': (to Lacey) Come on, let's go! Come on, come on, come on, come on!
:''[Lacey rings the bell]''
:'''Gordon''': Okay... (sees that Lacey has placed the &quot;bottom round&quot; label near one of the model cow's front legs) BOTTOM ROUND?! WHAT DOES &quot;BOTTOM&quot; MEAN? One, two, three, four, five, six wrong! Dear oh dear!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Why aren't the shrimp on? Get them on! Come on, Charlie.
:'''Charlie''': Sorry, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Unbelievable. A Caesar salad and we're in the shit! ''[spots that Charlie's cooking cloth has caught fire]'' Your cloth's on fire! YOUR CLOTH'S ON FIRE!
:'''J''': (interview) Charlie, wake the fuck up, man.
:'''Gordon''': Get it in the water please, Scott, before he burns the place down.
:'''Charlie''': I'm doing my best, chef.
:'''Scott''': (throws the cloth in the sink) If that's your best, you might want to rethink your best a little bit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Narrator''': It's thirty minutes into dinner service, and Ben is trying to impress Chef Ramsay with his speed. 
:'''Ben''': ''[bringing some chocolate brownie desserts to the pass]'' Coming down with desserts. Coming down with desserts... 
:'''Narrator''': Unfortunately, having dessert ready before the appetizers is not exactly what Chef Ramsay had in mind. 
:'''Gordon''':  Dick-head, put them down. ''[calls entire team]'' Hey, all of you, come here. Ben's now bringing me a chocolate fucking brownie. ''[tosses one dessert on the counter]'' WHAT'S GOING ON?! 
:'''Seth''': (interview) I didn't know what was going on, but he brought up dessert four minutes in. I mean, I've done some stupid shit, but that's embarrassing. 
:'''Gordon''': So, let's do it this way, then. There you go. ''[puts the desserts on the pass]'' Ben wants to serve a chocolate brownie before we serve the appetisers. 
:'''Ben''': No, chef. 
:'''Gordon''': What are you ''dreaming'' on?! Are you ''stupid''?! 
:'''Ben''': No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You've got cheesecake made as well! 
:'''Ben''': Yes, chef. 
:'''Gordon''': We've trashed six desserts before we've sent out fucking appetisers! 
:'''Ben''': It was my fault, chef. (interview) It was my mistake for not exactly knowing Chef Ramsay's terminologies, but fuck me if the words &quot;pick&quot; and &quot;up&quot; don't mean &quot;give you the desserts!&quot; 
:'''Gordon''': Have you been drinking or sniffing? 
:'''Ben''': No, chef. No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Look at me: Go upstairs for a lie-down. 
:'''Ben''': No, no, chef! 
:'''Gordon''': Go upstairs for a lie-down! ''[leads Ben out of the kitchen, then walks away]'' Useless. Absolutely useless. ''[a couple of seconds pass, then Ben quickly returns into the kitchen]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Lacey returns a Caesar salad to the pass]''
:'''Gordon''': What's the matter?
:'''Lacey''': She just didn't know if there were anchovies on it.
:'''Gordon''': You got what you asked for.
:'''Lacey''': I know, chef.
:'''Gordon''': So what did you fuck up? I know you find this is, yeah I know you laugh and it's funny.
:'''Lacey''': I'm not laughing! I'm trying not to cry.
:'''Gordon''': You're fucking worse than [[:w:Britney Spears|Britney Spears]], you jumped-up bitch!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[Carol returns to the pass with filet mignon]''
:'''Carol''': They say they want to brighten it up a little bit, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Giovanni, Robert come here! Robert, bounce your way down here. Let's go. ''[portions the beef]'' (pounds the counter) Touch it! Touch it!
:'''Giovanni and Robert''': It's cold.
:'''Gordon''': '''FUCKING SHIT!!''' ''[throws the beef away]'' It's still walking, that fucking piece of beef!
:'''Danny''': (interview) It pisses me off. We have the executive chef of a steakhouse running our grill. Wake up, get it together and put out some decent food.
:'''Gordon''': Giovanni!
:'''Giovanni''': Yes, chef?
:'''Gordon''': Thank fuck I've never been to your steakhouse! It's fucking blue!
:'''Giovanni''': Yes, chef!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Narrator''': With just 30 minutes left, Jean Phillippe is looking for Lacey.
:'''Jean Phillippe''': Table 23. The Table you forgot.
:'''Lacey''': I have to go up there and tell them to fire it?
:'''Jean Phillippe''': Who el...Who else is going to do it?
:'''Lacey''': Jean Phillipe I never waited table before!!!
:'''Jean Phillippe''': (Gobbles) Can you just go and ask the chef to fire It (Trying to do Lacey Voice), (Gobbles)
:'''Lacey''': I need the main course for 23 fired. Thanks Chef.
:'''Gordon''': Hey Madam (Lacey), We just taking the order in now??? Why did it take so long???
:'''Jean Phillippe''': She forgot the Table.
:'''Gordon''': (Shakes Head and angrily swats Lacey away)
:'''Lacey''': Yeah, &quot;Fuck off with me!&quot; I know.
:'''Gordon''': (To the Blue Team) Lacey forgot the ORDER!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[after Seth's attempt at butchering the filet mignon, Ramsay has discovered a huge amount of wasted meat]''
:'''Gordon''': Hey, all of you, here! Quickly! There's the filet, yes? Look at the fucking waste! ''[empties the waste onto the counter; the amount of waste is nearly as big as the remaining filet. Seth looks confused, while the other team members look horrified]'' That's what he took off, and there's the filet. LOOK AT THE FILET!
:'''Giovanni''': (interview) He molested that poor thing! People have gone to jail for worse, but it looked like he went at it with a jackhammer.
:'''Gordon''': ''[hurls the offcuts to Seth]'' We've fucking WASTED the most expensive part! LOOK AT IT! What are you going to do, get daddy to buy you a new one?
:'''Narrator''': With only fifteen minutes of dinner service left, Seth has butchered the filet. And possibly the Blue Team's hope of winning dinner service.
:'''Gordon''': How can you do that?
:'''Seth''': I never butchered a filet before chef.
:'''Gordon''': Congratulations, you just have.
:'''Seth''': ''[smiles]'' Thanks, yes... 
:'''Gordon''': Hey, hey smartass - not in the right way, you fucking bozo!
:'''Seth''': (interview) I don't think I did that bad, butchering that filet, but now I'll know for next time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[two minutes remain of the Blue team's half of the service]''
:'''Gordon''': Where's the New York strip?!
:'''Giovanni''': Chef, I'm four minutes away!
:'''Gordon''': Oh, my God. SWITCH IT OFF!! We're now over two hours, he (Giovanni) fucks the filet! (to Charlie) The shrimps go down! (to Ben Walanka) This dick sent me dessert before the appetisers! ''[throws his apron]'' Fuck off! (to Jean-Philippe) Jean-Philippe, shut it down, yes? Two hours over. Clear down!!!
:'''Robert''': (interview; tonight was originally planned to have been his wedding) I've embarrassed myself, my family, my girlfriend. ''[throws his buff off angrily]''
:''[Customers are leaving Hell's Kitchen]''
:'''Ben Walanka''': Here we go. Here comes the pain.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Where's the four Caesar salad, two shrimp?
:'''Colleen''': Coming chef. These were two, one and one.
:'''Gordon''': Where's the fucking four I asked for?
:'''Coi''': Four Caesar salad, two shrimp!
:'''Gordon''': (to Colleen) Hey!
:'''Colleen''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You're doing this on purpose.
:'''Colleen''': No I'm not, I swear. You said two. One and one.
:'''Gordon''': Look at me! Look at me! Four fucking salads.
:'''Colleen''': (interview) There's always the person in your life that's being grumpy and you know not being nice. Then there is one that Chef Ramsay whose the arrogant vicious attack dog.  
:'''Gordon''': (to Colleen) Hey, Madam, you're fucking pathetic!
:'''Colleen''': Yes, chef.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Four salad, three shrimp, one plain! (Colleen) Oh no, come here! What's going?
:'''Colleen''': Four Caesar salad, three shrimp, one plain!
:'''Gordon''': One more!
:'''Colleen''': Four Caesar salad chef, three shrimp, one plain!
:'''Gordon''': One more!
:'''Colleen''': Four Caesar salad chef, three shrimp, one plain!
:'''Gordon''': And last time!
:'''Colleen''': Four Caesar salad chef, three...
:'''Gordon''': (visibly shocked) Oh, m - OHH, GOD!
:'''Colleen''': ... SHRIMP, ONE PLAIN!
:'''Gordon''': Oh you fucking - hoo, shit! She's not normal... she can not be normal...
:'''Lacey''': (interview) My God! Colleen, if we lose tonight and I go home, I swear to God, I hope you can't sleep at night because you deserve to go home more than I.

=== Episode Four [5.04] ===
:'''Colleen''': How could we lose with cheerleaders on our side? Yeah! V, V-I, V-C-I-T-O-R-Y! (a caption reading &quot;Vcitory???&quot; appears)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[The Blue Team have lost the challenge and Ben believes that Danny was responsible for it even though it fell on Seth]''
:'''Ben''': Imma tell you one thing. I don't like fucking losing and Danny, I was over there helping you then I jumped over to eggs.
:'''Danny''': You should've been on eggs the whole time.
:'''Ben''': You were the one drowning on the pancakes buddy, that is correct.
:'''Danny''': Look you gave me a hand walking up pancakes and thank you for that.
:'''Ben''': Wait a minute Danny, ''[J laughs]'' come on man are you serious right now?
:'''Danny''': What? You-you helped me plate some pancakes and I appreciate it, thank you, I-I'm not a-
:'''Ben''': It's cool.
:'''Danny''': I'm not a hero here, I never said I was.
:'''J''': You said that earlier, you said you were the best cook.
''[Flashbacks to Gordon asking who the Blue Team's best cook is with Danny calling himself the Blue Team's best cook]''
:'''Danny''': I am obviously the best cook on the team.
:'''Ben''': You want to hear something dude, I will put circles around you! I will circle you like a fucking moon!
:'''Danny''': Where have you been?
:'''Giovanni''': Hey, hey come on! Danny, come on! Hey, Ben!
:'''Ben''': ''[over Giovanni]'' Are you joking me? You couldn't cook my cock!
''[The women walk past as Danny and Ben's argument starts escalating]''
:'''Giovanni''': Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
:'''Ben''': Are you joking me? I AM SO FUCKING-
:'''Danny''': Where have you been!? 
:'''Giovanni''': ''[stands between Danny and Ben]'' Be quiet! Quiet! Quiet!
:'''Ben''': We'll see you on garnish.
:'''Danny''': Shut the fuck up.
:'''Ben''': I mean- you know what, I need two minutes, I need two minutes bro.
:'''Danny''': Take your two minutes Bro because I haven't seen you kitchen yet.
:'''Giovanni''': HEY! 
:'''Danny''': Where have you been!?
:'''Ben''': ''[heads down to the patio]'' (interview) Danny's ego is getting the better of him and he needs to come back down on this planet.
:'''Danny''': YOU'VE GOTTEN A COMPLIMENT YET BEN!!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon''': On order: Four covers, Table 4. Two risotto, one spaghetti, one Caesar. 
:'''Blue Team''': Yes, Chef! 
:'''Danny''': (to Giovanni) Is it [the water] boiling? 
:'''Gordon''': How long? 
:'''Giovanni''': I'm waiting for the water to boil, Chef. 
:'''Gordon''': You expect me to tell Jean-Philippe we're waiting for your water to boil?! 
:'''Giovanni''': Oh, I'm sorry. 
:'''Ben''': (interview) Oh, man, Gio. How do you expect to cook pasta in water that's not boiling? 
:'''Gordon''': Hey, look at me! There's no olive oil in there, the water's not seasoned, it's not even ''boiling''! 
:'''Giovanni''': (interview) Oh, that was my fault. I didn't check my equipment. It won't happen again, that's for sure. 
:'''Gordon''': Let's go, Giovanni, let's go! Oh, my God...
:'''Narrator''': While Giovanni is in hot water, over in the Red kitchen, Coi is trying to get ahead.
:''[Gordon notices Coi cooking pasta]''
:'''Gordon''': (to Coi) Why are you cooking spaghetti? We haven't even fired it! DAMN!!
:'''Coi''': Fuck!
:'''Gordon''': Why?!
:'''Coi''': I'm sorry, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I can't believe this!! Why can't you just drop it to order?!
:'''Coi''': I will, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Tell me why you can't!!
:'''Coi''': I'm just trying to get ahead, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You can't get ahead! You're not that good!
:'''Coi''': (interview) I was trying to take so many steps ahead, so I'm kicking myself in the ass so, if I would have listened better, he wouldn't be screaming at me.
:'''Gordon''': Coi? Put some more spaghetti in to make yourself...
:'''Coi''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, I'm joking you stupid cow!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Jean-Philippe returns to the pass with Caesar salad]''
:'''Gordon''': What's going on on there?
:'''Jean-Philippe''': That's from, uhm, table 20 blue.
:''[Gordon checks the salad, then finds a butt of lettuce in it]''
:'''Gordon''': Hey, ALL OF YOU! COME HERE! Who dressed the Caesar salad?
:'''J''': I did chef. ''[Gordon shows the butt of lettuce to the members]'' (whispering) Jesus Christ!
:''[Gordon returns the butt of lettuce to the plate and violently throws the plate onto the floor]''
:'''Gordon''': Oi, bozo! Are you fucking stupid?!
:'''J''': No, chef, I'm not. (interview) J feels like a jackass because of that freaking lettuce. I should have seen it, it's a disgrace. It really is.
:'''Gordon''': Did you see that?
:'''J''': I did not, Chef. If I saw it, I would never put it in there.
:'''Giovanni''': (interview) Pretty hard to believe that butt of lettuce went out there. It's pretty hard to miss that big lettuce when you try to toss it in a small salad.
:'''Gordon''': Un-fucking-believable.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Gordon checks on lamb brought up by Ben Walanka]''
:'''Gordon''': Come here! All of you, come here! Put it down! (to Ben) Put it fucking down! What is that?
:'''Ben Walanka''': Lamb chop, sir.
:'''Gordon''': Lamb chop, yeah? Eat it. (gives the lamb to Ben and he eats it) Happy now? Now it's getting thinner and thinner and thinner. Look, there's another one that's ripped to fuck there now. Too thin, cowboy! 
:'''Robert''': (interview) I'm like. &quot;Oh, why are sending that out?&quot; It looked like a piece of carppacio on a bone, man.
:'''Gordon''': (to Ben) How can someone so fucking fat slice something so fucking thin?!
:'''Ben Walanka''': Sorry, chef. It won't happen again, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I wouldn't even serve that to my fucking dog!
:'''Ben Walanka''': I'll fix it right now, chef.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
;''[Colleen brings her wellingtons to the pass]''
:'''Gordon''': Hey, stay here you. Three Wellingtons, you brought me four. One medium, one medium-well, one well done. Where's the medium one? 
:'''Colleen''': The medium one's here, Chef. 
:'''Gordon''': Where's the medium-well? 
:'''Colleen''': The medium-well's here, Chef. 
:'''Gordon''': Where's the well done one, then? 
:'''Colleen''': It's right here, Chef. 
:'''Gordon''': So what the fuck is this one?
:'''Colleen''': I don't know. 
:'''Gordon''': You don't know. That's funny, isn't it? A little &quot;Ha-ha,&quot; &quot;Tee-hee,&quot; and &quot;God Bless Nebraska?&quot; 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon:''' On order, four covers, table three. One scallops, one spaghetti, one risotto, one caesar...
:'''Seth:''' (to Giovanni) Bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon!
:'''Gordon''': Entrées: One Dory, one chicken, one lamb, one wellington.
:'''Giovanni''': It's coming.
:'''Seth:''' Right here.
:'''Gordon:''' Seth! SETH!
:'''Seth''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Come here! What did I just call out?
:'''Seth:''' ''[wiping his face with a cloth]'' I... I don't know, chef.
:'''Gordon:''' Yeah, I know you don't know because you weren't even fucking prepared to listen. No wonder you're struggling.
:''[Seth uses the same cloth he just wiped his face with to clean a pan, then wipes his face with it again]''
:'''Gordon:''' What is he doing? Hey you, hey you, come here... ''[takes the cloth from Seth, and looks at him in disgust]''
:'''Seth:''' Sorry, chef.
:'''Gordon:''' I just watched you wipe your face and then wipe the pan. If this one's for your fucking nose, where's your cooking cloth?
:'''Seth:''' Uh, I'll get one, chef.
:'''Gordon:''' ''[throws the cloth back to Seth]'' Fuck off will you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[after Jean-Philippe returned to the pass with more food, Gordon has had it]''
:'''Gordon''': (disappointed) What is going on? Oh no! Oh! ''[cuts to Coi accidentally dropped her spaghetti on her station]'' Fuck off - oh, no! Shit! Look at that! You, guy! (Robert) Come here, you fat fuck! Come here! All of you, come here! COME HERE! Hey, hey, look at me. You are pathetic. NO-ONE'S won! Fuck off, both teams, start thinking about two of you to fucking go home! (to Coi) You, pathetic! I don't want anymore! (to Ben) I don't want to wait for your shit anymore, (to Danny) I don't want your shit anymore, (to Seth) I don't want you drying your face, and then fucking cooking with a cloth, '''YOU SCUMMY FUCKER! GET OUT!!''' ''[all chefs exited the kitchen except Ben; he approaches him]'' GET OUT!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Something's really bugging me, you know that? And I can't stop thinking about it and here's why. If a customer goes out for dinner and their steak is overcooked or undercooked, it gets redone. And they move on and enjoy the evening. But if a customer goes out for dinner and they get served a butt of lettuce, that's how reputations get destroyed in minutes, ''[to J]'' butt-head! 

=== Episode Five [5.05] ===

''[Gordon asks for wellingtons in the Red kitchen]''
:'''Gordon''': Where's the wellington, please?
:'''Andrea''': Chef, I'm re-firing the wellington. The bottom's burning.
:'''Gordon''': ''[begins searching]'' Where's the medium-well wellington?
:'''Andrea''': I'm putting projector paper.
:'''Gordon''': ''[finds that Andrea has hid her burnt meat underneath her station]'' Oh, shut up you, yeah? Shut up. What is this? ''[starts getting the meat]''
:'''Andrea''': They burned. I'm not quite sure why.
:'''Gordon''': Watch. There you go, look. (to the members) Hey, come here! Oy, oy, oy! There you go. There you go. There--Oh, dear! ''[throws a burnt wellington against the refrigerator]'' Fucking pile of shit!!
:'''Andrea''': (interview) I'm screwed. I'm fucking screwed.
:'''Gordon''': Anything else you hid? What else did you hid?!
:'''Andrea''': No, chef. That's it, chef.
:'''Gordon''': That's it? Is it?! WHY'D YOU DO IT?!
:'''Andrea''': Trying to get it together, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I just don't-- I just don't understand it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Jean-Philippe returns to the pass with dessert]''
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Red, [Table] 53. Tanya Steel.
:'''Gordon''': Not done? (returns to the workstation) There you go. Now I've had enough. ''[slams the plate on the stove]'' Come here! There you go. (to Carol; gives her a piece of pear) Take a bite and pass it along. (to LA) LA, wake up, yeah?
:'''Coi''': It's hard as a fucking rock.
:'''Gordon''': Raw pastry, raw pear. That's her! ''[kicks a bin]''
:'''Andrea''': (interview) Chef Ramsay wasn't kidding when he said it was raw. It was raw. That's just, &quot;Sorry. Poor judgement.&quot;
:'''Gordon''': (to Colleen) You didn't know that's raw pastry with a raw pear?
:'''Colleen''': No, chef.
:'''Andrea''': (interview) Everybody else was just looking around like, &quot;You've got to be kidding me.&quot;
:'''Gordon''': Un-fucking-believable! ''[goes to the blue kitchen and sits in fetal position]''
:'''Narrator:''' Tonight, dinner service has totally collapsed.
:'''Gordon:''' Oh, Christ almighty! Two and a half hours of bullshit.
:'''Narrator''': And Chef Ramsay is at the end of his rope.
:'''Gordon''': (to Jean-Philippe; after returning to the pass with raw desserts) Oh fuck off! I'm... I've had enough! ''[goes to the red kitchen]'' Hey, when I say, I've had enough! I've had enough! Stoves off! ''[calls both teams]'' Come here! That was pathetic! And you were absolutely useless! CLEAR DOWN! I can't take it anymore! It's been the worst performance so far! '''SWITCH IT FUCKING OFF!!!''' ''[throws his spoon away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon:''' There was no place in the kitchen I could put Colleen where she wasn't a disaster. It's time for her to go back to where she belongs, teaching. Because she certainly can't cook.

=== Episode Six [5.06] ===

:'''Narrator''': As the Blue Team heads to the spa for a day of pampering... 
:'''J''': ''Off to the spa we go...'' 
:'''Narrator''': ...Back in the dining room, Max's mom lets J.P. know that he'll be working with someone to plan the party. 
:'''Brenda''': This gentleman is very recommended. 
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Yes. 
:'''Brenda''': So, um... 
:'''Francisco''': ''Bonjour'', darling! 
:'''Brenda''': Oh, here he is now. 
:'''Narrator''': ...Someone he knows all too well. 
:'''Francisco''': Oh, it's so good to see you! ''[hugs J.P.]'' I'm so happy to be here. Are you thrilled to see me? 
:'''Brenda''': Alright, well, see you tomorrow. 
:'''Francisco''': Thank you. 
:'''Jean-Philippe''': (to Francisco) Listen, you. You are not interfering with my job. 
:'''Francisco''': I respect your boundaries. 
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Alright, I'll do my thing, and then you do your little thing. 
:'''Francisco''': &quot;My little thing.&quot; Oh, it will be so happy.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Good. 
:'''Francisco''': Oh, here they [the Red Team] come. 
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Ladies, ladies, ladies, we've done a few parties in the past with Francisco. 
:'''Francisco''': I'm so excited to be here, this is so ''fabulous''! ''[the ladies laugh]'' Wait until you see what we're doing. We are going to go up, up, and away with beautiful balloons, all around. It's going to be so festive! 
:'''Coi''': (interview) Oh, Francisco's just fabulous, all the way around.
:'''Francisco''': We have twinkly centerpieces on all of the tables... 
:'''Andrea''': (laughing) Twinkly! 
:'''Coi''': (interview) It's the way he talks, it's the way he dresses, everything. He's fabulous. 
:'''Francisco''': We are going to make this the most beautiful ''sports arena''! 
:'''LA''': (interview) I'm gay, that dude is '''parade''' gay.

=== Episode Seven [5.07] ===

:'''Giovanni''': How long for the risotto and pasta?
:'''Paula''': Plating up the pasta right now.
:'''Andrea''': How's your risotto?
:'''Carol''': I'm going. I'm going.
:'''Gordon''': Where's the risotto?
:'''Carol''': Right here chef.
:'''Gordon''': Carol!
:'''Carol''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': ''[tastes the risotto then spits it out]'' Taste that rice, taste the rice. It's like mush! Show me the rice.
:'''Carol''': Right here.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, my God! It's overcooked! It's like mush! Who cooked the rice?
:''[flashback to when J cooked the rice for both teams, pouring two boxes into one pan]''
:'''Andrea''': The blue team.
:'''Gordon''': The blue team? What? ''[goes over to the blue kitchen]'' Oh, come here you, all of you! Who cooked this rice?
:'''J''': I did, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Look at it, J! How can you do that, J? ''[hurls the rice in the trash]'' ''J!'' For both teams?
:'''J''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Aw, fucking hell! Oh, come on! You can't do this!
:'''Lacey''': (interview) The risotto was mushy, clumpy and nasty, and it definitely was not a good way to start the evening.
:'''Gordon''': It's mush! Did you cook it all in the same pan?
:'''J''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, fuck me! Oh, come on, fuck off J!
:'''J''': I'll get a pot on, chef. (interview) That pissed off Chef Ramsay, and I really didn't need that, because he's been riding me hard the past couple of days.
:'''Gordon''': (to Jean-Philippe) Jean-Philippe, stop the risotto, yeah? (to J) J! I can't believe you just screwed the service in both kitchens!
:'''Robert''': (interview) J, you're my friend and I like you a lot, but today, you fucking suck, man.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Jean-Philippe returns to the pass with pasta]''
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Pasta undercooked, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Is it?
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Yeah, it's really undercooked, chef.
:'''Gordon''': (to Carol) Hey, you, madam. The pasta's raw! Who's running the appetisers?
:'''Carol''': I am, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Well, then run it, then! Does she [Andrea] wipe your arse?
:'''Carol''': No, chef. (interview) I get fucking yelled at because this stupid bitch can't fucking cook?! What the hell is up with that?! (to Ramsay) There's must be some mix-in because it's...
:'''Gordon''': What?! Why aren't you tasting?
:'''Carol''': I was tasting it chef.
:'''Gordon''': So you tasted it and you knew it's raw, yet you still sent it!
:'''Carol''': (interview) That stupid bitch doesn't fucking say anything when Chef Ramsay's yelling at me, '''FUCK THIS SHIT!'''
:'''Gordon''': Madam, come here you mouthy little bitch! You [Andrea] come here!
:'''Andrea''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': (to Jean-Philippe) Hey, give me that table out there! (to Carol and Andrea) And sit on that table and eat that! Both of you, fuck off out there! It's not undercooked, it's raw! RAW, Carol! ''[gets ticket from Jean-Philippe]''
:'''Andrea''': (to Carol) Let's eat it. Yeah, let's get this fucking over with.
:'''Gordon''': (to Carol and Andrea) Hey, you're not coming back to this clear until you let me know how it tastes!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Narrator''': While Carol and Andrea chew on their mistakes, in the blue kitchen, J is hoping to redeem himself.
:'''Gordon''': (with a piece of undercooked salmon) J! Come on, then! Look, it's still stone-cold. Back in the oven! Fucking hell...
:'''Ben''': J, I know you're busy, buddy, but how long on the salmon, my man?
:'''J''': Five minutes.
:'''Robert''': Give me the tuna!
:'''Ben''': He said four minutes out. Can you make it four?
:'''Gordon''': Everything you've touched tonight, so far, has been screwed.
:'''Robert''': (interview) J just lost his shit, man. He was just clamming up, didn't take control. He was burning the seafood, he was sending raw seafood.
:'''Gordon''': That's called burnt salmon, not seared salmon!
:'''Robert''': (interview) It takes a real good chef to recover. (to J) You can really turn this around if you want to.
:'''J''': I know.
:'''Robert''': Wipe your face, wipe your face. ''[J wipes his face with his sleeve]'' With a rag!
:'''Gordon''': J, where's the salmon?
:'''J''': Coming around. Right here, chef.
:'''Gordon''': ''[finds out that the salmon is overdone]'' Hey, bozo, SAUCE!! Come here, you. Put that down, come here, you. Come here, you! Get in there! GET IN!
''[leads J into the pantry and slams the door]''
:'''J''': Fuck!
:'''Gordon''': WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!
:'''J''': I'm here, chef.
:'''Gordon''': It's not good enough, J!
:'''J''': I know, chef. I got no fucking excuse.
:'''Gordon''': What's the matter with you?!
:'''J''': I don't know. I'll fucking turn it on right now, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I can't fucking go any further! Please, wake up!
:'''J''': Yes, chef!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon''': I've got sauce on one, and two Dory on. LA?
:''[LA is standing still and staring into space]''
:'''Paula''': (interview) It's almost like LA was half-asleep or something.
:'''Gordon''': Come on, LA!
:'''Gloria''': Come on! LA, wake up! Are you sleeping?!
:'''LA''': No, I'm...
:'''Gordon''': She's dreaming. Come on, ''(voice cracks)'' more sauce, you silly cow!
:'''LA''': (interview) He called me a cow. For the first time.
:'''Gordon''': Don't cook all the fucking Dory in one pan unless you're boiling them, yes?
:'''LA''': Yes, chef. (interview) In the real world, you wouldn't have someone yelling at you like that. You wouldn't have someone calling you a cow, a bitch. You wouldn't. 'Cos if someone in the real world called you a cow or a bitch, you would walk up to them and sock them in the head.
:'''Gordon''': How long for the beef, please?
:'''LA''': 30 seconds chef.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Narrator''': As LA tries to get up to speed, over in the blue kitchen...
:'''Gordon''': J! Where's the other scallop?
:'''J''': Right here, chef.
:''[J brings the scallops to the pass; they're badly overcooked]''
:'''Gordon''': Have you seen this shit?
:'''Scott''': Disastrous, isn't it?
:'''Gordon''': I have had enough. ''[calls the blue team]'' Come here, you! Leave it, PUT THAT DOWN! You, come here! You come here!
:'''Ben''': Yes, chef.
[the team members gather around the pass]
:'''Gordon''': What is that? What IS that? What is that? That's us at our best, WHAT IS IT?! Wait, it gets better! Look, touch that!
:'''Ben''': It's rubber, chef.
:Gordon: T-Oh, my GOD! Unbelievable-- ''[J goes to touch one of the scallops, and Ramsay knocks his hand away]'' No, no no no no! NO! GET OUT! '''OUT, OUT, OUT!''' GET OUT! '''OUT, GET OUT!''' Take your jacket off, and fuck off!!
:'''J''':  (interview) I guess I don't belong here, so... I'll be going home. I'm here for a reason, and it's my boy and my wife, so of course I'm disappointed. It was a tough day. (in the dorms) Oh...that's fucked up bro. (interview) My dream when I came to Hell's Kitchen was to win. So, uh, now it's time to move on and get my own restaurants going. You know, I don't need Chef Ramsay's opinion anymore, I've got it. ''[entering the taxicab]'' Tomorrow's another day! Let's do it. (interview) It's time for J Maxwell to do his own thing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Where are the Wellingtons?
:'''Ben Walanka''': Five and a half minutes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I'm watching you like a fucking hawk.
:'''Ben Walanka''': I know you are, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You know why? Do you know why?
:'''Ben Walanka''': I don't-I don't know, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I want you out. You're not cutting it. You're dreaming.
:'''Ben Walanka''': (interview) It hurts. It hurts when someone goes at you like that.
:'''Gordon''': Stop! Stop, stop, stop! Put that down. ''[finds that Ben has put fresh Wellingtons in a tray filled with burnt bits of pastry]'' Oh, my god! Look! Look!
:'''Danny''': (interview) Ben was struggling, just getting beat up by chef. Ben's just like J, in dinner service he just falls apart.
:'''Gordon''': Come here, you! Get in there, get in! ''[Gordon leads Ben into the pantry]'' What's your fucking game?
:'''Ben Walanka''': No game, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Tell me something straight. What are you doing?
:'''Ben Walanka''': Chef, I'm doing everything I can...
:'''Gordon''': Why are you putting them on a dirty tray?
:'''Ben Walanka''': Chef, only because I was doing Wellington on them before, and I could not find any more...
:'''Gordon''': And that's good enough for you?
:'''Ben Walanka''': No, it's not, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Is it fucked?
:'''Ben Walanka''': It's not. I don't want to do it in a...
:'''Gordon''': YOU DIRTY PIG!
:'''Ben Walanka''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': CLEAN THE FUCKING TRAY!!
:'''Ben Walanka''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': One more, and you're fucking history. GET IN!
:'''Ben Walanka''': (interview) Today, it took everything I had not to go up in my little coccoon. I just had to push forward.
:'''Gordon''': DIRTY PIG!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Robert''': (to Lacey) I swear to God if you win this I will hang up my coat and become a crack whore!

=== Episode Eight [5.08] ===

:''[Lacey's meat pan catches fire; Gordon approaches her station]''
:'''Gordon''': Leave it! Fucking hell, what is that?!
:'''Lacey''': Wha-I...
:'''Gordon''': What is that, I said! Look at it! It's on fire!
:'''Danny''': Is this your well-done?
:'''Lacey''': (tearfully) I don't know.
:'''Ben''': (interview) She was lost. ''[in mockery of Lacey]'' &quot;I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON HERE, HUHU!!&quot;
:'''Gordon''': What's the matter with you?!
:'''Lacey''': I CAN'T COOK MEAT, CHEF!
:'''Gordon''': What do you mean you can't cook meat?!
:'''Lacey''': Obviously I'm weak and confused...
:'''Gordon''': Hey madam, madam! Get out! GET OUT!!
:'''Robert''': (interview) Can't handle the heat, get out the kit-CHEN!!
:'''Gordon''': ''[follows Lacey to the pantry]'' &quot;I can't cook meat?!&quot;
:'''Lacey''': I–I'm sorry. I just got really confused.
:'''Gordon''': If you got confused, why didn't you say something?!
:'''Lacey''': I did and then Robert put the chicken and the chicken went on fire and...!
:'''Gordon''': Why can't you just make the effort?
:'''Lacey''': I'm trying to make an effort.
:'''Gordon''': Do you want to come back in there and make an effort?
:'''Lacey''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Well, wake up and get a grip!! Come on! ''[leads Lacey out of the pantry]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Robert:''' C'mon, guys! Let's fucking do it!
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, move!
:''[Robert bends over and a ripping sound is heard. As Ben and Lacey look on in shock, we see that Robert has split open the seat of his trousers. He carries on, unconcerned.]''
:'''Robert:''' Come on guys, keep pushing! (interview) All I heard was &quot;RRRRRIIIP!&quot;
:'''Scott:''' (to Gordon) Robert's ass is hanging out all over the place.
:'''Robert:''' (interview) &quot;Ooh, I feel a little breeze on the back of my ass!&quot; I'll cook in my boxer shorts, I don't give a shit.
:'''Gordon:''' Damn!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Gordon checks on meat brought up by Lacey; finds that the lamb was badly carved]''
:'''Gordon''': Oh, my God!
:'''Lacey''': Hmm... Fuck me!
:'''Gordon''': Come here, all of you! What is that? Fucking bone's thicker than the meat! WHAT IS THAT?!
:'''Lacey''': I DON'T KNOW CHEF!
:'''Gordon''': ''[throws the lamb in the bin]'' It's not good enough! GET OUT! YOU'RE not good enough!! Piss off!! ''[follows Lacey into the pantry]'' Madam, look at me. Let's be honest, you're done. You can't waste my time any longer!
:'''Lacey:''' I agree.
:'''Gordon:''' Give me your jacket, and leave Hell's Kitchen. And go in there, and say goodbye. Properly, say it properly! Let's go.
:'''Lacey:''' ''[to the blue team]'' Thank you for everything!
:''[Danny quickly waves to Lacey and then resumes cooking; Ben and Robert ignore her altogether]''
:'''Robert:''' (interview) There's a small violin, just for Lacey. ''[blows a raspberry]'' She sucks. Adios, biatch.
:'''Gordon:''' Piss off! Let's go! Step up a gear.
:'''Lacey:''' (interview) On one hand, it's a relief. I can get back to my normal life. ''[packing her suitcase]'' Now I can get some sleep at night. (interview) But you know, another part of me wishes to stay and learn more and have that chance to win but unfortunately I fucked up tonight and I can only look back on the positive things which there weren't many for me. You know, my mom told me when I came here, &quot;Don't make enemies.&quot; and that's the first thing I did and kept doing the whole time I was here. Sorry mom, I should've listened.

=== Episode Nine [5.09] ===

''[Gordon checks on sauce brought up by Ben]''
:'''Gordon''': Oh Ben!
:'''Ben''': Chef!?
:'''Gordon''': ''[returns the sauce to the workstation]'' Right, all three of you [Ben, Danny &amp; Robert] come here. Here we go. ''[with spoons]'' Taste time! Quick, quick, dig in there, yes? Dig in. Make sure you take a nice big mouthful. Big mouthful. Mmmmmm. ''[spits out the sauce as does Robert]''
:'''Robert''': (interview) I spit it right out, it was disgusting.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, salty soup! You're just reheating it!
:'''Ben''': Yes.
:'''Gordon''': So how can you fuck it?!
:'''Ben''': It was bland before I over reduced it, it's my fault, I should've tasted it chef.
:'''Gordon''': You're clumsy! You salted it!
:'''Ben''': Yes chef.
:'''Gordon''': You over seasoned it!
:'''Ben''': Yes I did, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You didn't over reduce it!
:'''Ben''': (interview) I'm a soldier, that's why I say yes chef.
 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': One beef salad. Entrées: one bass, one New York steak.
:''[a woman comes up to the hotplate to reorder food]''
:'''Lady''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Yes, madam?
:'''Lady''': Totally flat. No flavor on the carpaccio. This the second time I've had to reorder.
:'''Gordon''': Okay, thank you. (to the blue team) Hey, get the veal along please, yes? Let's go.
:'''Lady''': Chef! ''[whistles to Gordon]''
:'''Gordon''': (to the woman) Right! Don't whistle at me, I'm not your fucking dog, yeah? You look more like a dog than I do. Fuck off, will you?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
''[Gordon checks on potatoes brought up by Carol]'' 
:'''Gordon''': Oh dear. Excuse me! Oh, dear! Let's go, come down! Hurry up! Taste them. There, there you go, there's a nice big slice for you. Aw, fuck it!
:'''Carol''': Hard and raw chef.
:'''Gordon''': Fucking hell! ''[throws the potatoes away]'' Why are the potatoes crunchy? Who cooked them then?
:'''Carol''': I did chef. If they go in the oven when the order comes in, they should be fully cooked. (interview) I don't know why they didn't cook. I never cooked potatoes that long before I sliced that thin.
:'''Gordon''': (To Jean-Philippe) Hey, come in here you! Have I got news for you, yeah? Tell him then, tell him! HE'S GOING TO GO AND EXPLAIN TO THE CUSTOMER!!
:'''Jean-Philippe''': What's happening?
:'''Carol''': The potatoes are undercooked. If they go in when the order comes in, they should be fine.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': What's undercooked?
:'''Gordon''': Say that again?!
:'''Carol''': If she [Andrea] fires it when the order comes in, when it's ready to go -
:'''Gordon''': Au-gratin dauphinois need to be cooked before service!
:'''Carol''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Now you're blaming her.
:'''Carol''': I'm not blaming her chef.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, Andrea, she's trying to sabotage. She can't even tur -
:'''Carol''': I'm not.
:'''Gordon''': What?
:'''Carol''': I'm not sabotaging.
:'''Andrea''': (interview) I was embarrassed for Carol. She's pointing out other people's mistakes. Point me out! I dare you!
:'''Gordon''': Here's the next question, how long then til they cook?
:'''Carol''': Maybe ten minutes.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, look how cool she is! She said &quot;maybe ten minutes&quot;!
:'''Carol''': (interview) They should've been done. Why didn't they cook?
:'''Gordon''': (to the customers) Maybe ten minutes everybody, for your Au-gratin dauphinois!! (to Carol) Look at them, the poor souls! Are you stupid?!
:'''Carol''': No, chef. I'm not.
:'''Gordon''': Bullshit! ''[throws his towel away]''
:'''Andrea''': (interview) Those potatoes! I was embarrassed for Carol.
:'''Gordon''': Why didn't they cook to begin with?
:'''Carol''': Chef, yes, I cooked them in the cream for an hour.
:'''Gordon''': WHAT?!
:'''Carol''': Yes.
:'''Gordon''': You cooked them in the cream for an hour?
:'''Carol''': In boiling cream for an hour.
:'''Gordon''': Crunchy gratin dauphinois. Useless.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
''[Carol pours more cream over her potatoes]''
:'''Gordon''': What is that on there?
:'''Carol''': I just poured more cream on it and I'm going to put it back in.
:'''Gordon''': My God! Oh, Jesus Christ! ''[gets the potatoes dumps them in the bin]'' Are you mad?
:'''Carol''': No, chef.
:'''Andrea''': (interview) There were no saving those potatoes. None whatsoever. They just looked like shit. They looked like fucking shit! It was awful.
:'''Gordon''': I wouldn't even serve that to a fucking pig farm, madam. Forget it. ''[throws the tray into the sink]'' You don't care do you? Because if you did care, you wouldn't serve me that crap! This is supposed to be your exciting menu! Really?
:'''Carol''': (interview) I feel completely awful. This is such a great dish and I fucking ruined it!

=== Episode Ten [5.10] ===

:'''Gordon''': On order, six covers table 20. Entrées: Two wellington, two chicken, one lamb, one Dory. Wellington's medium, yes?
:'''Final 6''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': (to Andrea) Right Andrea, what's going? ''[gets no answer]'' No answer. I'm not in the best of moods, ah? I don't like being ignored in my own fucking kitchen. What's going?
:'''Andrea''': I have no idea, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, my God almighty.
:'''Robert''': (interview) On garnish, you've got to be thirty seconds before everybody else. If she's not checking the tickets for us, we're screwed.
:'''Gordon''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, she's running the section, yet she has no idea of what's going. (to Giovanni) Tell her, chef.
:'''Giovanni''': Two wellingtons one medium, one medium-rare and lamb medium? I'm sorry, lamb medium-rare. Two lamb medium-rare.
:'''Gordon''': Oh my God.
:'''Robert and Ben Walanka''': Two chicken.
:'''Paula''': Two chicken and a Dory.
:'''Giovanni''': Two wellington, Two chicken and a lamb.
:'''Gordon''': Two wellington, two chicken, one lamb, one fucking Dory.
:'''Final 6''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': One wellington's medium, the rest is fucking nor-MAL. 
:'''Final 6''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Unlike us! (to Andrea) What's going, madam?
:'''Andrea''': I have no idea, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You have no idea. 
:'''Andrea''': I have no idea, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, come here you. Hey... fuck off! Hey madam, (points to the front entrance) through the door there! FUCK OFF!
:''[Andrea walks out of the door while the camera crew follows her]''
:'''Andrea''': Get that fucking camera out of my face.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Andrea, relax. The only thing he wants from you is to come back. You need to fight back. If you don't, you're finished.
:'''Andrea''': (interview) This is the hardest... most difficult, most up-and-down thing that I've ever, ''ever'' done in my entire life! ''[to Jean-Philippe]'' It's just been out of fucking control tonight. There's no communication with anybody, and I just haven't recovered. 
:'''Jean-Philippe''': You want to stay?
:'''Andrea''': Yes, I want to fucking stay! I've been through too much hell right now to fucking leave!
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Absolutely. So keep it to Gordon.
:'''Andrea''': (interview) It's just a reminder of how difficult it's been and how much...how much I just want this so bad.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': So now you need to be strong. Go back in there, and give it your best shot. Go on, then!
:'''Andrea''': (interview) I put everything I have into this every day, and I just had to go in there and fight for the rest of it.
:'''Gordon''': ''[to Andrea]'' Right, what's going?
:'''Andrea''': Two chicken, two lamb, one wellington, one Dory.
:'''Gordon''': Thank you. Back in the kitchen! NOW WAKE UP, ANDREA!
:'''Andrea''': Yes, chef!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Dory, salmon, lamb, wellington!
:'''Robert''': Two minutes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': ''[notices Robert putting the bacon into the John Dory]'' Robert, just come here!
:'''Robert''': Oh, shit!
:'''Gordon''': Why have you put the bacon inside the Dory?
:'''Robert''': To crisp it up, chef, real quickly.
:'''Gordon''': What's the bacon with?
:'''Robert''': For the scallops.
:'''Gordon''': So why have you put it with the Dory? Suppose he's allergic to bacon! You can send somebody to the hospital on the back of that!
:'''Robert''': Oh, you're right.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, come on! ''[kicks a bin]'' &quot;You're right&quot;? Course, I'm fucking right! Get the bacon out!
:'''Robert''': (interview) Yeah, I fucked up and you know what? I know in my heart, I got it. I'm a bull.
:'''Gordon''': Come on, Mr Bacon Man!
:'''Narrator''': While Robert tries again on the John Dory, Chef Ramsay is counting on Giovanni on the meat station to get out the first entrée of the night.
:''[Gordon checks on chicken special at the pass]''
:'''Gordon''': (with a chewed up piece of chicken) What is that?
:'''Scott''': Giovanni's best.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, Ben.
:'''Ben Walanka''': Chef?
:'''Gordon''': Is that a chewed up bit of chicken from the dog? Here. ''[gives the chicken to Ben]'' That's your special. Yeah, have a word with him, yeah? He's given up. Take all the garnish back, do whatever you wish with it. Your special has now become not very special thanks to dickface (Giovanni) there. Hurry up, Giovanni!
:'''Giovanni''': Yeah, but I'm not dickface, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, say that again?!
:'''Giovanni''': I said I'm not dickface, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, you're pissed, are you? Not as fucking- Look at me, '''LOOK AT ME IN THE EYES!!''' '''NOT AS PISSED AS '''I''' AM!! YOU '''FUCKIN''' ARE!! DONKEY!!'''
:'''Giovanni''': No.
:'''Ben''': (interview) Whooo! Boy, oh boy!
:'''Gordon''': Cause right now, I don't '''GIVE A FUCK!''' '''DICKFACE!'''
:'''Giovanni''': (interview) I'm an emotional person, but he can get in my face all he wants, he will not break me.
:'''Gordon''': You're sending shit, and you're trying to get away with it! Now I'm ''ready'' for an argument! SENDING ME THAT, YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED!!
:'''Robert''': (interview) You know, he just ''wants'' you to pop off.
:'''Gordon''': And you want to get all sensitive! You want to get all fucking negative! 
:'''Giovanni''': No, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Look at me, look at me, you send me shit like that, take your jacket and FUCK OFF!
:'''Giovanni''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': I'm not sending that shit, &quot;chef!&quot;
:'''Giovanni''': No, chef. Sorry, chef. (interview) I wasn't angry at him, I was angry at myself. It was just, I was boiling inside and... and he said something to me.
:'''Gordon''': That's the well done one. And look at me, I think you're too fucked to get upset with me, you don't give a fuck what I call you. This is not personal, this is professional! That personal was a piece of shit, now pull it back!!
:'''Giovanni''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': '''DICKFACE!'''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Giovanni, Robert! Hey Andrea, come here you! ''[gathers them at the corner]'' All three of you are pathetic! You (Giovanni) don't care...
:'''Giovanni''': I care, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You're (Robert) way behind, and you (Andrea) haven't got a fucking clue! Can we work together as a team?!
:'''Giovanni, Robert and Andrea''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Two wellington. One well-done! '''Get it ON!!!'''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Danny''': (interview) One station failed...
:'''Scott''': ''[Andrea's one pan catches fire]'' Pan's on fire! Pan's on fire!
:'''Danny''': ...and another station failed. It's no joke.
:'''Gordon''': We're going up in flames. ''[pick Andrea's pan]''
:'''Paula''': (interview) First night with the Black team, one big cluster fuck.
:'''Gordon''': Same shit, different day! (throws the pan into the sink)
:'''Scott''': ''[Ben's pan also catches fire]'' What about the rest of the table? We need cover-up.
:'''Gordon''': Dynamic six, yeah. My fucking ass. Fuck off the lot of you! ''[walks out of the kitchen and throws his towel away]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': ''[calls the five chefs back in the kitchen after Giovanni's elimination.]'' I just spent the last hour upstairs in my office thinking. It just doesn't make sense! How can the final six be so shit? I called you all down here because on the back of that performance, I'm now going to do something I have never ever done before. I'm shutting down Hell's Kitchen.

=== Episode Eleven [5.11] ===

:'''Narrator''': After a couple of days without any word on how Robert is doing, Chef Ramsay calls the chefs down for a meeting.
:'''Gordon''': So you're feeling fresh, very relaxed. Did you enjoy the whole atmosphere at the Borgata Resort?
:'''Danny''': Very much so.
:'''Ben''': Incredible, Chef.
:'''Gordon''': Sadly, you came back minus one individual. Clearly, you're all deeply concerned. I'm not going to tell you how he's doing, I'm going to let him tell you himself. Chef Robert.
:''[Robert appears and everyone applauds and smile]''
:'''Gordon''': Okay, big boy. Let me just say how pleased I am to see you.
:'''Robert''': Thank you.
:'''Gordon''': How are you feeling?
:'''Robert''': Not good.
:'''Gordon''': Ah?
:'''Robert''': Not good.
:''[Ben stops smiling.]''
:'''Gordon''': What did the medics say?
:'''Robert''': I have [[w:Pericarditis|pericarditis]], which is the swelling of the sac around the heart which leads to heart disease.
:''[Gordon shakes his head in dismay, Andrea and Paula fight back tears.]''
:'''Gordon''': Oh dear. Are you coming back?
:'''Robert''': No.
:'''Gordon''': No?
:''[Danny's face drops]''
:'''Robert''': I'm not coming back.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Ben has been struggling on the garnish station]''
:'''Gordon''': What's going, Ben? (gets no response) Oh, my God almighty! Oh, come on. Three Dory, two salmon, one chicken. (sees what Ben is doing) Why is he putting the lettuce there like that? He's trying to sauté it.
:'''Scott''': I don't know, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Look at the mess of this guy.
:'''Scott''': He throwing everything in a pot.
:'''Ben Walanka''': (interview) I was just absolutely... just mind-boggled.
:'''Gordon''': ''[picks up a pan and a piece of lettuce]'' You've got a pan here like that and you're throwing lettuce on top like that... ''you're shit.'' You are so shit, you don't realise what you're doing!
:'''Danny''': (interview) Oh, man Ben! Like, come on. You know better than that.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, come here a minute. Why are you doing this? You're just adding the lettuce to the tomato and cucumber, you're not sautéing the lettuce?
:'''Ben''': Chef, I was in a side pan s-sautéing the tomatoes and the cucumbers, chef. But I did it wrong, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, you're fuckin' up, you're cutting corners, and you're slipping big time! Do you know what? Do you know your biggest problem that'll always be the downfall of your career? You're full of fuckin' shit! 'cause every time you get fuckin' something wrong, you give a bullshit fuckin' excuse, but right now, I'm fed up with your bullshit excuses!
:'''Ben''': (interview) There's really nothing that I can do to please Chef Ramsay, and I'm slowly but surely being able to accept that.
:'''Gordon''': '''FUCK OFF!!'''
:'''Ben''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You're too dangerous to have on service. I asked you what you're doing, you said you're sautéeing tomatoes, ARE YOU '''FUNK! YOU DIRTY PIG! GET OUT!! GET OUT!!''' Un-fucking-believable!
:''[Ben walks into the pantry and bangs his head on the door]''
:'''Ben''': (interview) What the fuck is going on?! I–I'm very upset right now, but I don't give up. I'm a good cook, I know how to cook. You know, I feel like I need to really try and pull it together. ''[goes in the bathroom to wash his face]'' Okay, we're back. (interview) I certainly ain't leaving here without a fight. I'll tell you that.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Ben returns to the kitchen after a quick break]''
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, right. Hey, you! Come here you! What's going through your mind now? You still going to fucking butcher me and slice me and serve shit to them?
:'''Ben Walanka''': No, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Where's your fight, man?!
:'''Ben''': It's here, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Where is it?!
:'''Ben''': I got it, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Then wake up, you doughnut!
:'''Ben''': '''YES, CHEF!'''
[[Category:Hell's Kitchen seasons]]</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153580</id>
      <parentid>3153579</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T15:13:14Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:1700:24A3:170:DDA9:AD74:44C:8B70</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Episode Ten [5.10] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="67286" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 1|1]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 2|2]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 3|3]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 4|4]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 5|5]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 6|6]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 7|7]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 8|8]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 9|9]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 10|10]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 11|11]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 12|12]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 13|13]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 14|14]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 15|15]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 16|16]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 17|17]] | '''[[Hell's Kitchen|Main]]'''
----
&lt;br&gt;
'''''[[w:Hell's Kitchen (U.S.)|Hell's Kitchen]]''''' is an American cooking reality show based on [[w:Hell's Kitchen (UK)|the British program of the same title]], where Chef [[w:Gordon Ramsay|Gordon Ramsay]] puts aspiring chefs through different challenges and dinner services to decide who is the best.

=== Episode One [5.01] ===

:'''Gordon''': And the name of the dish is what?
:'''Danny''': Mahi Gone Bananas, chef.
:'''Gordon''': ''[tastes the dish]'' It looks like ''you've'' gone slightly bananas. It's hideous. Back in line. 
:'''Danny''': (interview) Ramsay's definitely just looking for a rise out of me, which he's going to eventually get.
:'''Gordon''': So the idea came from where?
:'''Danny''': I just pulled it out of my ass, sir.
:'''Gordon''': Put it back in there because it sucks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Who's cooked the diapers?
:'''Colleen''': No diapers, sir. That's chicken enchiladas with poblano cream sauce. My name's Colleen.
:'''Gordon''': Corinne.
:'''Colleen''': Colleen.
:'''Gordon''': Corinne.
:'''Colleen''': COL-leen.
:'''Gordon''': What do you do for a living?
:'''Colleen''': I am a culinary instructor and I own a recreational cooking school.
:'''Gordon''': And were you a trained chef before you set up a school?
:'''Colleen''': No, I am not a trained chef.
:'''Gordon''': So you're not a trained chef, yet you teach chefs to cook.
:'''Colleen''': That's correct.
:'''Gordon''': How much do you charge?
:'''Colleen''': 300 per three to four hours.
:'''Gordon''': Right. Look at the size of it.
:'''Colleen''': I feed big Nebraska boys. Would you like me to get you a bite?
:'''Gordon''': No, I'll bite it myself. ''[tries dish, spits it out]''
:'''Colleen''': Okay.
:'''Gordon''': You seriously charge $300 to teach people how to make that crap?
:'''Colleen''': Y–Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I feel like I need some plastic wrap on my arse.
:'''Colleen''': (interview) It was extremely difficult to just stand there and to keep my mouth shut! (to Gordon) I teach manners, too, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Say that again?
:'''Narrator''': Cooking instructor Colleen not only offered Chef Ramsay a dish he didn't care for, but an etiquette lesson as well.
:'''Gordon''': Okay, please, Miss Manners, fuck off back in line.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': It looks like lamb chops on a bed of ratatouille.
:'''Seth''': Uh, that's mine, chef. (interview) To be like Chef Ramsay is my dream. I've read his books, I've visited his restaurant in Manhattan. I think we have very similar styles.
:'''Gordon''': How long have you been cooking?
:'''Seth''': Fifteen years around.
:'''Gordon''': And what is it?
:'''Seth''': Cinnamon crusted rack of lamb with a(n) aubergine ratatouille.
:'''Gordon''': The ratatouille, what's in there?
:'''Seth''': Tomatoes, onion, tomato sauce, tomato paste.
:'''Gordon''': ''[spits out food]'' How come the aubergine's so sweet?
:'''Seth''': There's some honey, uh...
:'''Gordon''': Honey in a ratatouille? Uh, is that normal?
:'''Crowd''': No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': That's the worst dish I've ever tasted. ''[Seth laughs]'' Fifteen years to cook that shit and you're laughing. You could make history on being the fastest exit in Hell's Kitchen. And I'm fucking serious, you know that. Back in line. ''[Seth goes back in line]'' The quicker you understand how serious I am, the quicker you'll cook better.
:'''Seth''': I'll try harder next time, sir. (interview) I thought it looked all right. I think my presentation was good. I know it's a good dish. I got to prove to him that I can cook my ass off.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Lacey and Coi are arguing during prep. Gordon approaches Coi]''
:'''Gordon''': What's the matter?
:'''Coi''': This station is fucked... up.
:'''Lacey''': Come on, Coi.
:'''Coi''': (to Lacey) Don't say a fucking thing. (to Gordon) I come over here, there's nothing fucking done, chef. Nothing!
:'''Lacey''': (to Coi) Now why don't you tell him that you're threatening me.
:'''Gordon''': (to Coi and Lacey) Oh, wait. Right. I'm just about to open the doors, okay? Don't panic. I'm not asking you to be lovebirds, okay?
:'''Coi''': Absolutely.
:'''Gordon''': Calm down, get a grip and show me some form of composure, yes?
:'''Coi''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, my God!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': On order six covers, table 20. Two spaghetti, two scallops, one risotto, one Caesar. Entrées, three wellington, get them in!
:'''Robert''': ''[shouting over Gordon]'' Ben you guys, get going!
:'''Ben''': I'm coming! I'm coming!
:'''Gordon''': Hey you. Hey fuck-wit, Come here you. Come here! I'm calling out an order and you just shout over.
:'''Robert''': Sorry, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You fucking call out the order then. You fuck, FUCKING call out the order!
:'''Robert''': I need one Caesar, two scallops, one risotto and two spaghetti now! (interview) Yeah, give me the reins man! Let me drive this bitch!
:'''Gordon''': You fucking interrupt me again next time, you're going for an early bath.
:'''Robert''': Yes.
:'''Gordon''': A big one in the hot tub!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Gordon checks on scallops brought up by Danny]''
:'''Gordon''': Danny? Come here, that's you. Overcooked scallops, let's go. It's not exactly rocket science.
:'''Danny''': Well obviously, chef. ''[angrily slams his pan; [Gordon gives him a dirty look]''
:'''Gordon''': (to Danny) Hey you, come here you.
:'''Danny''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Okay, can you cook like a team member?
:'''Danny''': I'll wash their station and my station, chef.
:'''Gordon''': How about communicating with them?
:'''Danny''': I did, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Don't fucking dare start getting fucking pissed with me. Is that clear?
:'''Danny''': Chef, yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Good. NOW JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!!
:''[power supply shuts down]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Gordon looks for spaghetti in the Red kitchen]''
:'''Gordon''': Where's the other spaghetti? ''[notices Colleen starting a fresh spaghetti in a dirty pan]'' Madam, come here. ''[gets Colleen's pan]'' You're starting a fresh one in dirty pan!
:'''Colleen''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Oh!
:'''Colleen''': (interview) The pan that I've already used and I didn't have the chance to wipe it. I felt like an idiot.
:'''Gordon''': You teach people how to cook! ''[slams the pan down on her station]''
:'''Colleen''': We have no more pans, chef.
:'''Gordon''': ''[gets some pans from Andrea's station]'' Look! Pan, pan, pan!
:'''Colleen''': Thank you, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You're going to start a fresh spaghetti in a dirty pan! Holy crap!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': Seth is hoping to score high marks with his first entrée.
:'''Gordon''': Why's it all fucking mangled?
:'''Scott''': He didn't have it ready, and then he sliced it and seared all the chops.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, Forrest! Come here you.
:'''Seth''': (interview) Ramsay, he keeps calling me &quot;Forrest&quot; as in [[w:Forrest Gump|Forrest Gump]]. I think it's a great name!
:'''Gordon''': You didn't cook it properly temperature wise, so you decided to buckle it and bastardise it. Now you're really having a laugh, yeah?
:'''Ben''': (interview) Man, this poor lamb chop just got charred. No excuse for that first lamb.
:'''Gordon''': Would you get excited to come here and eat that shit?
:'''Seth''': Absolutely not.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, fuck off, will you?
:'''Seth''': (interview) Listen, I screwed up the lamb, but at the end of the service, Gordon and I will be like peas and carrots once again!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': It's two and a half hours into the dinner service, and while Colleen has finally mastered the spaghetti, she still has a lot to learn about risotto.
:'''Gordon''': Look! ''[returns to workstation and tastes the risotto]'' Hey!
:'''Colleen''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Taste!
:'''Colleen''': Yes, chef.
:''[Gordon spits out the risotto in disgust]''
:'''Gordon''': That's the risotto! That, quite frankly, is the worst risotto I've ever tasted in my entire cooking career. Why's it so sweet? Who put sugar in there?
:'''Colleen''': ''[holds up a pot of sugar]'' I grabbed this. I thought it was salt.
:'''LA''': (interview) Are you fucking kidding me?
:'''Gordon''': That... ''[throws the risotto in the trash]'' is shit! Oh, my God!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Mashed potatoes?
:'''Wil''': ''[brings his garnishes to the pass]'' Fuck!
:'''Gordon''': What are you doing, Wil?
:'''Wil''': Sorry, chef. I don't know if this is very hot. (to his team mates) You got a cold sizzle?
:'''Gordon''': Dear, oh dear! Wil!
:'''Wil''': Yes, chef?
:'''Gordon''': You're shit!
:'''Wil''': Yes, chef. I am.
:'''Gordon''': You are so shit, it's unbelievable!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Are you on the garnish now, Robert?
:'''Robert''': I just want to help him out [Wil], chef.
:'''Gordon''': Charlie's on the garnish, Robert's on the garnish, yeah? And Wil is on planet cuckoo.
:'''Charlie''': (interview) Wil got thrown to the dogs on the garnish station. By the time I got around to help him, it was ugly.
:'''Gordon''': Wil, there's not one cook in the kitchen that hasn't been with you on the garnish tonight!
:'''Wil''': (interview) Being on the receiving end of Chef Ramsay's wrath...yeah, that sorta sucked. 
:'''Gordon''': Dear, oh dear, oh dear.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Garnish, please! (to Wil) What in the fuck are you two doing?
:'''Carol''': ''[interview; sees the customers leaving the kitchen]'' Oh no! When the customers got up and starting to walk out, I'm shocked.
:'''Gordon''': Let's go, 22!
:'''Waiter''': 22 just left.
:'''Gordon''': Twenty-two. 22 just left.
:'''Giovanni''': My table got up and left.
:'''Gordon''': ''[to Robert; tosses the plates to him]'' Hey! Hey, you! Hey, catch! THEY JUST LEFT! THEY JUST FUCKING LEFT!
:'''Giovanni''': The rest of tables got walked out.
:'''Lady''': Alright. Out of Hell's Kitchen.
:'''Gordon''': Switch it off! NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!! ''[goes to the red kitchen]'' Come here, all of you! ''[calls the blue team]'' Come here, all of you! Yeah, take a look at there! Pathetic, absolute embarrassment, utter crap! Clear down! CLEAR DOWN!!

=== Episode Two [5.02] ===

:'''Gordon''': The scallops are cooked, aren't they?
:'''Colleen''': Yes.
:'''Gordon''': Why are they still in the pan if they're cooked? They're going to be overcooked, you stupid cow! Oh, my God! Who cooked the scallops last service? Who was that?
:'''Lacey''': I did, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Come here, you! Come here! Show her how to cook a fucking scallop. Hey, by the way, she's not charging $300. Hey, this is free now. Free lesson! Stand back!
:'''Carol''': (interview) Colleen runs a cooking school, but she has no experience on the line and it clearly shows.
:'''Gordon''': (to Lacey) Teach madam [Colleen] here how to cook a fucking scallop!
:'''Lacey''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Shit!! Unbelievable!
:'''Lacey''': (interview) I almost felt honored in a weird way. (to Colleen) It's okay. It's alright.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': (to Ji) Is your ankle hurting?
:'''Ji''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, so's my fuckin' head. It's throbbin'.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Lacey brings Colleen's scallops to the pass]''
:'''Gordon''': Thank you, Lacey.
:'''Lacey''': You're welcome, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Colleen!! Do you see a difference? Pink in the middle, coloured both sides, yes?
:'''Colleen''': Yes, I do, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, did she charge you?
:'''Colleen''': (brief pause) No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, thank fuck for that. Let's go. God bless Nebraska.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Narrator''': Seth and Charlie have delivered their lobster spaghetti to the pass.
:''[Gordon checks the spaghetti; finds out that there's no lobster in it]''
:'''Gordon''': There's no fucking lobster in there.
:'''Scott''': Doesn't look like it, no.
:'''Narrator''': But, it's missing one key ingredient.
:'''Gordon''': ''[returns to the workstation and pushes a pan aside]'' Hey, fuck-wit! Come here you! Come here!
:'''Charlie''': What's this?
:'''Gordon''': There's no fucking lobster in it!
:'''Charlie''': Shit!!
:'''Gordon''': How can you give it to me with no lobster in there?!
:'''Charlie''': We're stupid, chef. Apologies.
:'''Gordon''': Wake up, Charlie!!
:'''Charlie''': Yes, chef! Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': And you [Seth], docile fucking idiot! What's the dish called?
:'''Seth''': Uhm... Uhm...
:'''Gordon''': Spaghetti of lobster!!
:'''Seth''': (interview) I feel like I just got hit by a train!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Gordon checks on salmon brought up by Colleen]''
:'''Gordon:''' Oh, my God! ''[returns to the workstation]'' Come here you. Hey, Coi, come here! Carol, Lacey, come here! (to Colleen) Away now, two Wellington, yes, one salmon and one John Dory. Where's the John Dory?
:'''Colleen:''' (brief pause) I don't have the John Dory.
:'''Gordon:''' You don't have it. Hey, look, come here. Hey, there you go, look at that. ''[holds up the salmon]'' Look, look, hold on, hey, don't run away. '''IT'S BLACK!''' On top of that, there's an added bonus. It's fucking raw in the middle.
:'''Colleen:''' Yes, chef.
:''[Gordon angrily throws the salmon away and kicks the bin]''
:'''Gordon:''' Fucking useless, fucking shit. You're not a cookery school teacher, are you? You're joking, aren't you?
:'''Colleen:''' No, I'm not joking, chef. I am a--
:'''Gordon:''' Tell me, tell me you're pomping yourself up to make yourself look good. You don't really have a cooking school?
:'''Colleen:''' No, chef, I own a cooking school. I have a business just like you do.
:'''Gordon:''' Your fucking business is not like my business. Hey, madam, let's get that fucking right.
:'''Colleen:''' You're right.
:'''Gordon:''' You're robbing people! You're a thief!! I'm concerned for the poor bastards that you've taken money off of!! ''[sees another piece of salmon burning]'' Hey, madam, lift that lid off, it looks black.
:'''Colleen:''' It IS black!
:'''Gordon''': Oh, 'GOD!!!'
:'''Colleen''': Both of them!
:'''Gordon:''' '''SHIT!''' [Gordon and Coi look physically shocked] '''SHIT! IT'S BLACK!'''
:'''Colleen:''' Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon:''' OH, MY GOD!!
:'''Carol:''' These are burning.
:'''Colleen:''' I know.
:'''Gordon:''' Hey, madam, madam! '''GET OUT!!''' Get on the raw bar. Lacey! LACEY! Get on the fish!
:'''Lacey:''' Yes, chef!
:'''Colleen:''' (interview) Chef Ramsay's definitely not going to break me. He can ask me to leave, he can kick me out of the kitchen, he can do all those things, but he's not going to break me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Gordon checks on salmon brought up by Giovanni]''
:'''Gordon''': Giovanni! ''[returns to the workstation]''
:'''Giovanni''': Yes, chef?
:'''Gordon''': Hey, all of you come here! ''[points to Danny]'' He's cooking his ass off, surrounded by five muppets, yeah? The temperature's perfect, and I get that bit of shit there, look. I got given that! Would you eat that? ''[throws the salmon to Seth]'' Go on, eat it, eat it. (to Seth) Would you eat that?
:'''Seth''': No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': (to Giovanni) Would you eat that?
:'''Giovanni''': No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': ''[comes up to Giovanni]'' Hey, you can be pissed off. You got every fucking right to be pissed off. You know that, yes?
:'''Giovanni''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Fucking '''RAW'''!!
:'''Giovanni''': (interview) I've never had a chef come that close to me in my life. He can yell at me from across the kitchen, he doesn't have to get 2 inches away from my face.

=== Episode Three [5.03] ===
''[during the meat labelling challenge, with both teams both having five correct labels so far]''
:'''Seth''': (interview) Meat is one of my fortes. I definitely had six, seven out of eight without even looking.
:'''Ben''': Ring the bell, ring the bell. Go for it!
:''[Seth lightly taps the bell]''
:'''Gordon''': I can't hear that!
:'''Ben''': Ring the fucking bell!
:''[Seth hits the bell harder]''
:'''Gordon''': Seven wrong for blue, let's go.
:'''Charlie''': Holy shit! We're working backwards!
:'''J''': (interview) SETH, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!
:'''Narrator''': Seth's poor performance has set the men back. Now Lacey has a golden opportunity to redeem herself with her team.
:'''Carol''': Come on, Lacey!
:'''Lacey''': (interview) It's my chance to show my team that I can step up, and that I deserve to be here.
:'''Colleen''': Come on! We can do this!
:'''LA''': Move it, Lacey!
:'''Andrea''': (interview) Lacey was just moving things around for the feeling that she was doing something, and you know what, that's no different to how she is in the kitchen.
:''[Robert rings the men's bell]''
:'''Gordon''': Six wrong.
:'''Narrator''': Robert has only improved on Seth by one.
:'''Carol''': (to Lacey) Come on, let's go! Come on, come on, come on, come on!
:''[Lacey rings the bell]''
:'''Gordon''': Okay... (sees that Lacey has placed the &quot;bottom round&quot; label near one of the model cow's front legs) BOTTOM ROUND?! WHAT DOES &quot;BOTTOM&quot; MEAN? One, two, three, four, five, six wrong! Dear oh dear!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Why aren't the shrimp on? Get them on! Come on, Charlie.
:'''Charlie''': Sorry, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Unbelievable. A Caesar salad and we're in the shit! ''[spots that Charlie's cooking cloth has caught fire]'' Your cloth's on fire! YOUR CLOTH'S ON FIRE!
:'''J''': (interview) Charlie, wake the fuck up, man.
:'''Gordon''': Get it in the water please, Scott, before he burns the place down.
:'''Charlie''': I'm doing my best, chef.
:'''Scott''': (throws the cloth in the sink) If that's your best, you might want to rethink your best a little bit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Narrator''': It's thirty minutes into dinner service, and Ben is trying to impress Chef Ramsay with his speed. 
:'''Ben''': ''[bringing some chocolate brownie desserts to the pass]'' Coming down with desserts. Coming down with desserts... 
:'''Narrator''': Unfortunately, having dessert ready before the appetizers is not exactly what Chef Ramsay had in mind. 
:'''Gordon''':  Dick-head, put them down. ''[calls entire team]'' Hey, all of you, come here. Ben's now bringing me a chocolate fucking brownie. ''[tosses one dessert on the counter]'' WHAT'S GOING ON?! 
:'''Seth''': (interview) I didn't know what was going on, but he brought up dessert four minutes in. I mean, I've done some stupid shit, but that's embarrassing. 
:'''Gordon''': So, let's do it this way, then. There you go. ''[puts the desserts on the pass]'' Ben wants to serve a chocolate brownie before we serve the appetisers. 
:'''Ben''': No, chef. 
:'''Gordon''': What are you ''dreaming'' on?! Are you ''stupid''?! 
:'''Ben''': No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You've got cheesecake made as well! 
:'''Ben''': Yes, chef. 
:'''Gordon''': We've trashed six desserts before we've sent out fucking appetisers! 
:'''Ben''': It was my fault, chef. (interview) It was my mistake for not exactly knowing Chef Ramsay's terminologies, but fuck me if the words &quot;pick&quot; and &quot;up&quot; don't mean &quot;give you the desserts!&quot; 
:'''Gordon''': Have you been drinking or sniffing? 
:'''Ben''': No, chef. No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Look at me: Go upstairs for a lie-down. 
:'''Ben''': No, no, chef! 
:'''Gordon''': Go upstairs for a lie-down! ''[leads Ben out of the kitchen, then walks away]'' Useless. Absolutely useless. ''[a couple of seconds pass, then Ben quickly returns into the kitchen]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Lacey returns a Caesar salad to the pass]''
:'''Gordon''': What's the matter?
:'''Lacey''': She just didn't know if there were anchovies on it.
:'''Gordon''': You got what you asked for.
:'''Lacey''': I know, chef.
:'''Gordon''': So what did you fuck up? I know you find this is, yeah I know you laugh and it's funny.
:'''Lacey''': I'm not laughing! I'm trying not to cry.
:'''Gordon''': You're fucking worse than [[:w:Britney Spears|Britney Spears]], you jumped-up bitch!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[Carol returns to the pass with filet mignon]''
:'''Carol''': They say they want to brighten it up a little bit, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Giovanni, Robert come here! Robert, bounce your way down here. Let's go. ''[portions the beef]'' (pounds the counter) Touch it! Touch it!
:'''Giovanni and Robert''': It's cold.
:'''Gordon''': '''FUCKING SHIT!!''' ''[throws the beef away]'' It's still walking, that fucking piece of beef!
:'''Danny''': (interview) It pisses me off. We have the executive chef of a steakhouse running our grill. Wake up, get it together and put out some decent food.
:'''Gordon''': Giovanni!
:'''Giovanni''': Yes, chef?
:'''Gordon''': Thank fuck I've never been to your steakhouse! It's fucking blue!
:'''Giovanni''': Yes, chef!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Narrator''': With just 30 minutes left, Jean Phillippe is looking for Lacey.
:'''Jean Phillippe''': Table 23. The Table you forgot.
:'''Lacey''': I have to go up there and tell them to fire it?
:'''Jean Phillippe''': Who el...Who else is going to do it?
:'''Lacey''': Jean Phillipe I never waited table before!!!
:'''Jean Phillippe''': (Gobbles) Can you just go and ask the chef to fire It (Trying to do Lacey Voice), (Gobbles)
:'''Lacey''': I need the main course for 23 fired. Thanks Chef.
:'''Gordon''': Hey Madam (Lacey), We just taking the order in now??? Why did it take so long???
:'''Jean Phillippe''': She forgot the Table.
:'''Gordon''': (Shakes Head and angrily swats Lacey away)
:'''Lacey''': Yeah, &quot;Fuck off with me!&quot; I know.
:'''Gordon''': (To the Blue Team) Lacey forgot the ORDER!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[after Seth's attempt at butchering the filet mignon, Ramsay has discovered a huge amount of wasted meat]''
:'''Gordon''': Hey, all of you, here! Quickly! There's the filet, yes? Look at the fucking waste! ''[empties the waste onto the counter; the amount of waste is nearly as big as the remaining filet. Seth looks confused, while the other team members look horrified]'' That's what he took off, and there's the filet. LOOK AT THE FILET!
:'''Giovanni''': (interview) He molested that poor thing! People have gone to jail for worse, but it looked like he went at it with a jackhammer.
:'''Gordon''': ''[hurls the offcuts to Seth]'' We've fucking WASTED the most expensive part! LOOK AT IT! What are you going to do, get daddy to buy you a new one?
:'''Narrator''': With only fifteen minutes of dinner service left, Seth has butchered the filet. And possibly the Blue Team's hope of winning dinner service.
:'''Gordon''': How can you do that?
:'''Seth''': I never butchered a filet before chef.
:'''Gordon''': Congratulations, you just have.
:'''Seth''': ''[smiles]'' Thanks, yes... 
:'''Gordon''': Hey, hey smartass - not in the right way, you fucking bozo!
:'''Seth''': (interview) I don't think I did that bad, butchering that filet, but now I'll know for next time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[two minutes remain of the Blue team's half of the service]''
:'''Gordon''': Where's the New York strip?!
:'''Giovanni''': Chef, I'm four minutes away!
:'''Gordon''': Oh, my God. SWITCH IT OFF!! We're now over two hours, he (Giovanni) fucks the filet! (to Charlie) The shrimps go down! (to Ben Walanka) This dick sent me dessert before the appetisers! ''[throws his apron]'' Fuck off! (to Jean-Philippe) Jean-Philippe, shut it down, yes? Two hours over. Clear down!!!
:'''Robert''': (interview; tonight was originally planned to have been his wedding) I've embarrassed myself, my family, my girlfriend. ''[throws his buff off angrily]''
:''[Customers are leaving Hell's Kitchen]''
:'''Ben Walanka''': Here we go. Here comes the pain.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Where's the four Caesar salad, two shrimp?
:'''Colleen''': Coming chef. These were two, one and one.
:'''Gordon''': Where's the fucking four I asked for?
:'''Coi''': Four Caesar salad, two shrimp!
:'''Gordon''': (to Colleen) Hey!
:'''Colleen''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You're doing this on purpose.
:'''Colleen''': No I'm not, I swear. You said two. One and one.
:'''Gordon''': Look at me! Look at me! Four fucking salads.
:'''Colleen''': (interview) There's always the person in your life that's being grumpy and you know not being nice. Then there is one that Chef Ramsay whose the arrogant vicious attack dog.  
:'''Gordon''': (to Colleen) Hey, Madam, you're fucking pathetic!
:'''Colleen''': Yes, chef.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Four salad, three shrimp, one plain! (Colleen) Oh no, come here! What's going?
:'''Colleen''': Four Caesar salad, three shrimp, one plain!
:'''Gordon''': One more!
:'''Colleen''': Four Caesar salad chef, three shrimp, one plain!
:'''Gordon''': One more!
:'''Colleen''': Four Caesar salad chef, three shrimp, one plain!
:'''Gordon''': And last time!
:'''Colleen''': Four Caesar salad chef, three...
:'''Gordon''': (visibly shocked) Oh, m - OHH, GOD!
:'''Colleen''': ... SHRIMP, ONE PLAIN!
:'''Gordon''': Oh you fucking - hoo, shit! She's not normal... she can not be normal...
:'''Lacey''': (interview) My God! Colleen, if we lose tonight and I go home, I swear to God, I hope you can't sleep at night because you deserve to go home more than I.

=== Episode Four [5.04] ===
:'''Colleen''': How could we lose with cheerleaders on our side? Yeah! V, V-I, V-C-I-T-O-R-Y! (a caption reading &quot;Vcitory???&quot; appears)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[The Blue Team have lost the challenge and Ben believes that Danny was responsible for it even though it fell on Seth]''
:'''Ben''': Imma tell you one thing. I don't like fucking losing and Danny, I was over there helping you then I jumped over to eggs.
:'''Danny''': You should've been on eggs the whole time.
:'''Ben''': You were the one drowning on the pancakes buddy, that is correct.
:'''Danny''': Look you gave me a hand walking up pancakes and thank you for that.
:'''Ben''': Wait a minute Danny, ''[J laughs]'' come on man are you serious right now?
:'''Danny''': What? You-you helped me plate some pancakes and I appreciate it, thank you, I-I'm not a-
:'''Ben''': It's cool.
:'''Danny''': I'm not a hero here, I never said I was.
:'''J''': You said that earlier, you said you were the best cook.
''[Flashbacks to Gordon asking who the Blue Team's best cook is with Danny calling himself the Blue Team's best cook]''
:'''Danny''': I am obviously the best cook on the team.
:'''Ben''': You want to hear something dude, I will put circles around you! I will circle you like a fucking moon!
:'''Danny''': Where have you been?
:'''Giovanni''': Hey, hey come on! Danny, come on! Hey, Ben!
:'''Ben''': ''[over Giovanni]'' Are you joking me? You couldn't cook my cock!
''[The women walk past as Danny and Ben's argument starts escalating]''
:'''Giovanni''': Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
:'''Ben''': Are you joking me? I AM SO FUCKING-
:'''Danny''': Where have you been!? 
:'''Giovanni''': ''[stands between Danny and Ben]'' Be quiet! Quiet! Quiet!
:'''Ben''': We'll see you on garnish.
:'''Danny''': Shut the fuck up.
:'''Ben''': I mean- you know what, I need two minutes, I need two minutes bro.
:'''Danny''': Take your two minutes Bro because I haven't seen you kitchen yet.
:'''Giovanni''': HEY! 
:'''Danny''': Where have you been!?
:'''Ben''': ''[heads down to the patio]'' (interview) Danny's ego is getting the better of him and he needs to come back down on this planet.
:'''Danny''': YOU'VE GOTTEN A COMPLIMENT YET BEN!!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon''': On order: Four covers, Table 4. Two risotto, one spaghetti, one Caesar. 
:'''Blue Team''': Yes, Chef! 
:'''Danny''': (to Giovanni) Is it [the water] boiling? 
:'''Gordon''': How long? 
:'''Giovanni''': I'm waiting for the water to boil, Chef. 
:'''Gordon''': You expect me to tell Jean-Philippe we're waiting for your water to boil?! 
:'''Giovanni''': Oh, I'm sorry. 
:'''Ben''': (interview) Oh, man, Gio. How do you expect to cook pasta in water that's not boiling? 
:'''Gordon''': Hey, look at me! There's no olive oil in there, the water's not seasoned, it's not even ''boiling''! 
:'''Giovanni''': (interview) Oh, that was my fault. I didn't check my equipment. It won't happen again, that's for sure. 
:'''Gordon''': Let's go, Giovanni, let's go! Oh, my God...
:'''Narrator''': While Giovanni is in hot water, over in the Red kitchen, Coi is trying to get ahead.
:''[Gordon notices Coi cooking pasta]''
:'''Gordon''': (to Coi) Why are you cooking spaghetti? We haven't even fired it! DAMN!!
:'''Coi''': Fuck!
:'''Gordon''': Why?!
:'''Coi''': I'm sorry, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I can't believe this!! Why can't you just drop it to order?!
:'''Coi''': I will, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Tell me why you can't!!
:'''Coi''': I'm just trying to get ahead, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You can't get ahead! You're not that good!
:'''Coi''': (interview) I was trying to take so many steps ahead, so I'm kicking myself in the ass so, if I would have listened better, he wouldn't be screaming at me.
:'''Gordon''': Coi? Put some more spaghetti in to make yourself...
:'''Coi''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, I'm joking you stupid cow!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Jean-Philippe returns to the pass with Caesar salad]''
:'''Gordon''': What's going on on there?
:'''Jean-Philippe''': That's from, uhm, table 20 blue.
:''[Gordon checks the salad, then finds a butt of lettuce in it]''
:'''Gordon''': Hey, ALL OF YOU! COME HERE! Who dressed the Caesar salad?
:'''J''': I did chef. ''[Gordon shows the butt of lettuce to the members]'' (whispering) Jesus Christ!
:''[Gordon returns the butt of lettuce to the plate and violently throws the plate onto the floor]''
:'''Gordon''': Oi, bozo! Are you fucking stupid?!
:'''J''': No, chef, I'm not. (interview) J feels like a jackass because of that freaking lettuce. I should have seen it, it's a disgrace. It really is.
:'''Gordon''': Did you see that?
:'''J''': I did not, Chef. If I saw it, I would never put it in there.
:'''Giovanni''': (interview) Pretty hard to believe that butt of lettuce went out there. It's pretty hard to miss that big lettuce when you try to toss it in a small salad.
:'''Gordon''': Un-fucking-believable.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Gordon checks on lamb brought up by Ben Walanka]''
:'''Gordon''': Come here! All of you, come here! Put it down! (to Ben) Put it fucking down! What is that?
:'''Ben Walanka''': Lamb chop, sir.
:'''Gordon''': Lamb chop, yeah? Eat it. (gives the lamb to Ben and he eats it) Happy now? Now it's getting thinner and thinner and thinner. Look, there's another one that's ripped to fuck there now. Too thin, cowboy! 
:'''Robert''': (interview) I'm like. &quot;Oh, why are sending that out?&quot; It looked like a piece of carppacio on a bone, man.
:'''Gordon''': (to Ben) How can someone so fucking fat slice something so fucking thin?!
:'''Ben Walanka''': Sorry, chef. It won't happen again, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I wouldn't even serve that to my fucking dog!
:'''Ben Walanka''': I'll fix it right now, chef.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
;''[Colleen brings her wellingtons to the pass]''
:'''Gordon''': Hey, stay here you. Three Wellingtons, you brought me four. One medium, one medium-well, one well done. Where's the medium one? 
:'''Colleen''': The medium one's here, Chef. 
:'''Gordon''': Where's the medium-well? 
:'''Colleen''': The medium-well's here, Chef. 
:'''Gordon''': Where's the well done one, then? 
:'''Colleen''': It's right here, Chef. 
:'''Gordon''': So what the fuck is this one?
:'''Colleen''': I don't know. 
:'''Gordon''': You don't know. That's funny, isn't it? A little &quot;Ha-ha,&quot; &quot;Tee-hee,&quot; and &quot;God Bless Nebraska?&quot; 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon:''' On order, four covers, table three. One scallops, one spaghetti, one risotto, one caesar...
:'''Seth:''' (to Giovanni) Bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon!
:'''Gordon''': Entrées: One Dory, one chicken, one lamb, one wellington.
:'''Giovanni''': It's coming.
:'''Seth:''' Right here.
:'''Gordon:''' Seth! SETH!
:'''Seth''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Come here! What did I just call out?
:'''Seth:''' ''[wiping his face with a cloth]'' I... I don't know, chef.
:'''Gordon:''' Yeah, I know you don't know because you weren't even fucking prepared to listen. No wonder you're struggling.
:''[Seth uses the same cloth he just wiped his face with to clean a pan, then wipes his face with it again]''
:'''Gordon:''' What is he doing? Hey you, hey you, come here... ''[takes the cloth from Seth, and looks at him in disgust]''
:'''Seth:''' Sorry, chef.
:'''Gordon:''' I just watched you wipe your face and then wipe the pan. If this one's for your fucking nose, where's your cooking cloth?
:'''Seth:''' Uh, I'll get one, chef.
:'''Gordon:''' ''[throws the cloth back to Seth]'' Fuck off will you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[after Jean-Philippe returned to the pass with more food, Gordon has had it]''
:'''Gordon''': (disappointed) What is going on? Oh no! Oh! ''[cuts to Coi accidentally dropped her spaghetti on her station]'' Fuck off - oh, no! Shit! Look at that! You, guy! (Robert) Come here, you fat fuck! Come here! All of you, come here! COME HERE! Hey, hey, look at me. You are pathetic. NO-ONE'S won! Fuck off, both teams, start thinking about two of you to fucking go home! (to Coi) You, pathetic! I don't want anymore! (to Ben) I don't want to wait for your shit anymore, (to Danny) I don't want your shit anymore, (to Seth) I don't want you drying your face, and then fucking cooking with a cloth, '''YOU SCUMMY FUCKER! GET OUT!!''' ''[all chefs exited the kitchen except Ben; he approaches him]'' GET OUT!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Something's really bugging me, you know that? And I can't stop thinking about it and here's why. If a customer goes out for dinner and their steak is overcooked or undercooked, it gets redone. And they move on and enjoy the evening. But if a customer goes out for dinner and they get served a butt of lettuce, that's how reputations get destroyed in minutes, ''[to J]'' butt-head! 

=== Episode Five [5.05] ===

''[Gordon asks for wellingtons in the Red kitchen]''
:'''Gordon''': Where's the wellington, please?
:'''Andrea''': Chef, I'm re-firing the wellington. The bottom's burning.
:'''Gordon''': ''[begins searching]'' Where's the medium-well wellington?
:'''Andrea''': I'm putting projector paper.
:'''Gordon''': ''[finds that Andrea has hid her burnt meat underneath her station]'' Oh, shut up you, yeah? Shut up. What is this? ''[starts getting the meat]''
:'''Andrea''': They burned. I'm not quite sure why.
:'''Gordon''': Watch. There you go, look. (to the members) Hey, come here! Oy, oy, oy! There you go. There you go. There--Oh, dear! ''[throws a burnt wellington against the refrigerator]'' Fucking pile of shit!!
:'''Andrea''': (interview) I'm screwed. I'm fucking screwed.
:'''Gordon''': Anything else you hid? What else did you hid?!
:'''Andrea''': No, chef. That's it, chef.
:'''Gordon''': That's it? Is it?! WHY'D YOU DO IT?!
:'''Andrea''': Trying to get it together, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I just don't-- I just don't understand it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Jean-Philippe returns to the pass with dessert]''
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Red, [Table] 53. Tanya Steel.
:'''Gordon''': Not done? (returns to the workstation) There you go. Now I've had enough. ''[slams the plate on the stove]'' Come here! There you go. (to Carol; gives her a piece of pear) Take a bite and pass it along. (to LA) LA, wake up, yeah?
:'''Coi''': It's hard as a fucking rock.
:'''Gordon''': Raw pastry, raw pear. That's her! ''[kicks a bin]''
:'''Andrea''': (interview) Chef Ramsay wasn't kidding when he said it was raw. It was raw. That's just, &quot;Sorry. Poor judgement.&quot;
:'''Gordon''': (to Colleen) You didn't know that's raw pastry with a raw pear?
:'''Colleen''': No, chef.
:'''Andrea''': (interview) Everybody else was just looking around like, &quot;You've got to be kidding me.&quot;
:'''Gordon''': Un-fucking-believable! ''[goes to the blue kitchen and sits in fetal position]''
:'''Narrator:''' Tonight, dinner service has totally collapsed.
:'''Gordon:''' Oh, Christ almighty! Two and a half hours of bullshit.
:'''Narrator''': And Chef Ramsay is at the end of his rope.
:'''Gordon''': (to Jean-Philippe; after returning to the pass with raw desserts) Oh fuck off! I'm... I've had enough! ''[goes to the red kitchen]'' Hey, when I say, I've had enough! I've had enough! Stoves off! ''[calls both teams]'' Come here! That was pathetic! And you were absolutely useless! CLEAR DOWN! I can't take it anymore! It's been the worst performance so far! '''SWITCH IT FUCKING OFF!!!''' ''[throws his spoon away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon:''' There was no place in the kitchen I could put Colleen where she wasn't a disaster. It's time for her to go back to where she belongs, teaching. Because she certainly can't cook.

=== Episode Six [5.06] ===

:'''Narrator''': As the Blue Team heads to the spa for a day of pampering... 
:'''J''': ''Off to the spa we go...'' 
:'''Narrator''': ...Back in the dining room, Max's mom lets J.P. know that he'll be working with someone to plan the party. 
:'''Brenda''': This gentleman is very recommended. 
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Yes. 
:'''Brenda''': So, um... 
:'''Francisco''': ''Bonjour'', darling! 
:'''Brenda''': Oh, here he is now. 
:'''Narrator''': ...Someone he knows all too well. 
:'''Francisco''': Oh, it's so good to see you! ''[hugs J.P.]'' I'm so happy to be here. Are you thrilled to see me? 
:'''Brenda''': Alright, well, see you tomorrow. 
:'''Francisco''': Thank you. 
:'''Jean-Philippe''': (to Francisco) Listen, you. You are not interfering with my job. 
:'''Francisco''': I respect your boundaries. 
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Alright, I'll do my thing, and then you do your little thing. 
:'''Francisco''': &quot;My little thing.&quot; Oh, it will be so happy.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Good. 
:'''Francisco''': Oh, here they [the Red Team] come. 
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Ladies, ladies, ladies, we've done a few parties in the past with Francisco. 
:'''Francisco''': I'm so excited to be here, this is so ''fabulous''! ''[the ladies laugh]'' Wait until you see what we're doing. We are going to go up, up, and away with beautiful balloons, all around. It's going to be so festive! 
:'''Coi''': (interview) Oh, Francisco's just fabulous, all the way around.
:'''Francisco''': We have twinkly centerpieces on all of the tables... 
:'''Andrea''': (laughing) Twinkly! 
:'''Coi''': (interview) It's the way he talks, it's the way he dresses, everything. He's fabulous. 
:'''Francisco''': We are going to make this the most beautiful ''sports arena''! 
:'''LA''': (interview) I'm gay, that dude is '''parade''' gay.

=== Episode Seven [5.07] ===

:'''Giovanni''': How long for the risotto and pasta?
:'''Paula''': Plating up the pasta right now.
:'''Andrea''': How's your risotto?
:'''Carol''': I'm going. I'm going.
:'''Gordon''': Where's the risotto?
:'''Carol''': Right here chef.
:'''Gordon''': Carol!
:'''Carol''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': ''[tastes the risotto then spits it out]'' Taste that rice, taste the rice. It's like mush! Show me the rice.
:'''Carol''': Right here.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, my God! It's overcooked! It's like mush! Who cooked the rice?
:''[flashback to when J cooked the rice for both teams, pouring two boxes into one pan]''
:'''Andrea''': The blue team.
:'''Gordon''': The blue team? What? ''[goes over to the blue kitchen]'' Oh, come here you, all of you! Who cooked this rice?
:'''J''': I did, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Look at it, J! How can you do that, J? ''[hurls the rice in the trash]'' ''J!'' For both teams?
:'''J''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Aw, fucking hell! Oh, come on! You can't do this!
:'''Lacey''': (interview) The risotto was mushy, clumpy and nasty, and it definitely was not a good way to start the evening.
:'''Gordon''': It's mush! Did you cook it all in the same pan?
:'''J''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, fuck me! Oh, come on, fuck off J!
:'''J''': I'll get a pot on, chef. (interview) That pissed off Chef Ramsay, and I really didn't need that, because he's been riding me hard the past couple of days.
:'''Gordon''': (to Jean-Philippe) Jean-Philippe, stop the risotto, yeah? (to J) J! I can't believe you just screwed the service in both kitchens!
:'''Robert''': (interview) J, you're my friend and I like you a lot, but today, you fucking suck, man.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Jean-Philippe returns to the pass with pasta]''
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Pasta undercooked, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Is it?
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Yeah, it's really undercooked, chef.
:'''Gordon''': (to Carol) Hey, you, madam. The pasta's raw! Who's running the appetisers?
:'''Carol''': I am, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Well, then run it, then! Does she [Andrea] wipe your arse?
:'''Carol''': No, chef. (interview) I get fucking yelled at because this stupid bitch can't fucking cook?! What the hell is up with that?! (to Ramsay) There's must be some mix-in because it's...
:'''Gordon''': What?! Why aren't you tasting?
:'''Carol''': I was tasting it chef.
:'''Gordon''': So you tasted it and you knew it's raw, yet you still sent it!
:'''Carol''': (interview) That stupid bitch doesn't fucking say anything when Chef Ramsay's yelling at me, '''FUCK THIS SHIT!'''
:'''Gordon''': Madam, come here you mouthy little bitch! You [Andrea] come here!
:'''Andrea''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': (to Jean-Philippe) Hey, give me that table out there! (to Carol and Andrea) And sit on that table and eat that! Both of you, fuck off out there! It's not undercooked, it's raw! RAW, Carol! ''[gets ticket from Jean-Philippe]''
:'''Andrea''': (to Carol) Let's eat it. Yeah, let's get this fucking over with.
:'''Gordon''': (to Carol and Andrea) Hey, you're not coming back to this clear until you let me know how it tastes!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Narrator''': While Carol and Andrea chew on their mistakes, in the blue kitchen, J is hoping to redeem himself.
:'''Gordon''': (with a piece of undercooked salmon) J! Come on, then! Look, it's still stone-cold. Back in the oven! Fucking hell...
:'''Ben''': J, I know you're busy, buddy, but how long on the salmon, my man?
:'''J''': Five minutes.
:'''Robert''': Give me the tuna!
:'''Ben''': He said four minutes out. Can you make it four?
:'''Gordon''': Everything you've touched tonight, so far, has been screwed.
:'''Robert''': (interview) J just lost his shit, man. He was just clamming up, didn't take control. He was burning the seafood, he was sending raw seafood.
:'''Gordon''': That's called burnt salmon, not seared salmon!
:'''Robert''': (interview) It takes a real good chef to recover. (to J) You can really turn this around if you want to.
:'''J''': I know.
:'''Robert''': Wipe your face, wipe your face. ''[J wipes his face with his sleeve]'' With a rag!
:'''Gordon''': J, where's the salmon?
:'''J''': Coming around. Right here, chef.
:'''Gordon''': ''[finds out that the salmon is overdone]'' Hey, bozo, SAUCE!! Come here, you. Put that down, come here, you. Come here, you! Get in there! GET IN!
''[leads J into the pantry and slams the door]''
:'''J''': Fuck!
:'''Gordon''': WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!
:'''J''': I'm here, chef.
:'''Gordon''': It's not good enough, J!
:'''J''': I know, chef. I got no fucking excuse.
:'''Gordon''': What's the matter with you?!
:'''J''': I don't know. I'll fucking turn it on right now, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I can't fucking go any further! Please, wake up!
:'''J''': Yes, chef!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon''': I've got sauce on one, and two Dory on. LA?
:''[LA is standing still and staring into space]''
:'''Paula''': (interview) It's almost like LA was half-asleep or something.
:'''Gordon''': Come on, LA!
:'''Gloria''': Come on! LA, wake up! Are you sleeping?!
:'''LA''': No, I'm...
:'''Gordon''': She's dreaming. Come on, ''(voice cracks)'' more sauce, you silly cow!
:'''LA''': (interview) He called me a cow. For the first time.
:'''Gordon''': Don't cook all the fucking Dory in one pan unless you're boiling them, yes?
:'''LA''': Yes, chef. (interview) In the real world, you wouldn't have someone yelling at you like that. You wouldn't have someone calling you a cow, a bitch. You wouldn't. 'Cos if someone in the real world called you a cow or a bitch, you would walk up to them and sock them in the head.
:'''Gordon''': How long for the beef, please?
:'''LA''': 30 seconds chef.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Narrator''': As LA tries to get up to speed, over in the blue kitchen...
:'''Gordon''': J! Where's the other scallop?
:'''J''': Right here, chef.
:''[J brings the scallops to the pass; they're badly overcooked]''
:'''Gordon''': Have you seen this shit?
:'''Scott''': Disastrous, isn't it?
:'''Gordon''': I have had enough. ''[calls the blue team]'' Come here, you! Leave it, PUT THAT DOWN! You, come here! You come here!
:'''Ben''': Yes, chef.
[the team members gather around the pass]
:'''Gordon''': What is that? What IS that? What is that? That's us at our best, WHAT IS IT?! Wait, it gets better! Look, touch that!
:'''Ben''': It's rubber, chef.
:Gordon: T-Oh, my GOD! Unbelievable-- ''[J goes to touch one of the scallops, and Ramsay knocks his hand away]'' No, no no no no! NO! GET OUT! '''OUT, OUT, OUT!''' GET OUT! '''OUT, GET OUT!''' Take your jacket off, and fuck off!!
:'''J''':  (interview) I guess I don't belong here, so... I'll be going home. I'm here for a reason, and it's my boy and my wife, so of course I'm disappointed. It was a tough day. (in the dorms) Oh...that's fucked up bro. (interview) My dream when I came to Hell's Kitchen was to win. So, uh, now it's time to move on and get my own restaurants going. You know, I don't need Chef Ramsay's opinion anymore, I've got it. ''[entering the taxicab]'' Tomorrow's another day! Let's do it. (interview) It's time for J Maxwell to do his own thing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Where are the Wellingtons?
:'''Ben Walanka''': Five and a half minutes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I'm watching you like a fucking hawk.
:'''Ben Walanka''': I know you are, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You know why? Do you know why?
:'''Ben Walanka''': I don't-I don't know, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I want you out. You're not cutting it. You're dreaming.
:'''Ben Walanka''': (interview) It hurts. It hurts when someone goes at you like that.
:'''Gordon''': Stop! Stop, stop, stop! Put that down. ''[finds that Ben has put fresh Wellingtons in a tray filled with burnt bits of pastry]'' Oh, my god! Look! Look!
:'''Danny''': (interview) Ben was struggling, just getting beat up by chef. Ben's just like J, in dinner service he just falls apart.
:'''Gordon''': Come here, you! Get in there, get in! ''[Gordon leads Ben into the pantry]'' What's your fucking game?
:'''Ben Walanka''': No game, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Tell me something straight. What are you doing?
:'''Ben Walanka''': Chef, I'm doing everything I can...
:'''Gordon''': Why are you putting them on a dirty tray?
:'''Ben Walanka''': Chef, only because I was doing Wellington on them before, and I could not find any more...
:'''Gordon''': And that's good enough for you?
:'''Ben Walanka''': No, it's not, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Is it fucked?
:'''Ben Walanka''': It's not. I don't want to do it in a...
:'''Gordon''': YOU DIRTY PIG!
:'''Ben Walanka''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': CLEAN THE FUCKING TRAY!!
:'''Ben Walanka''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': One more, and you're fucking history. GET IN!
:'''Ben Walanka''': (interview) Today, it took everything I had not to go up in my little coccoon. I just had to push forward.
:'''Gordon''': DIRTY PIG!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Robert''': (to Lacey) I swear to God if you win this I will hang up my coat and become a crack whore!

=== Episode Eight [5.08] ===

:''[Lacey's meat pan catches fire; Gordon approaches her station]''
:'''Gordon''': Leave it! Fucking hell, what is that?!
:'''Lacey''': Wha-I...
:'''Gordon''': What is that, I said! Look at it! It's on fire!
:'''Danny''': Is this your well-done?
:'''Lacey''': (tearfully) I don't know.
:'''Ben''': (interview) She was lost. ''[in mockery of Lacey]'' &quot;I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON HERE, HUHU!!&quot;
:'''Gordon''': What's the matter with you?!
:'''Lacey''': I CAN'T COOK MEAT, CHEF!
:'''Gordon''': What do you mean you can't cook meat?!
:'''Lacey''': Obviously I'm weak and confused...
:'''Gordon''': Hey madam, madam! Get out! GET OUT!!
:'''Robert''': (interview) Can't handle the heat, get out the kit-CHEN!!
:'''Gordon''': ''[follows Lacey to the pantry]'' &quot;I can't cook meat?!&quot;
:'''Lacey''': I–I'm sorry. I just got really confused.
:'''Gordon''': If you got confused, why didn't you say something?!
:'''Lacey''': I did and then Robert put the chicken and the chicken went on fire and...!
:'''Gordon''': Why can't you just make the effort?
:'''Lacey''': I'm trying to make an effort.
:'''Gordon''': Do you want to come back in there and make an effort?
:'''Lacey''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Well, wake up and get a grip!! Come on! ''[leads Lacey out of the pantry]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Robert:''' C'mon, guys! Let's fucking do it!
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, move!
:''[Robert bends over and a ripping sound is heard. As Ben and Lacey look on in shock, we see that Robert has split open the seat of his trousers. He carries on, unconcerned.]''
:'''Robert:''' Come on guys, keep pushing! (interview) All I heard was &quot;RRRRRIIIP!&quot;
:'''Scott:''' (to Gordon) Robert's ass is hanging out all over the place.
:'''Robert:''' (interview) &quot;Ooh, I feel a little breeze on the back of my ass!&quot; I'll cook in my boxer shorts, I don't give a shit.
:'''Gordon:''' Damn!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Gordon checks on meat brought up by Lacey; finds that the lamb was badly carved]''
:'''Gordon''': Oh, my God!
:'''Lacey''': Hmm... Fuck me!
:'''Gordon''': Come here, all of you! What is that? Fucking bone's thicker than the meat! WHAT IS THAT?!
:'''Lacey''': I DON'T KNOW CHEF!
:'''Gordon''': ''[throws the lamb in the bin]'' It's not good enough! GET OUT! YOU'RE not good enough!! Piss off!! ''[follows Lacey into the pantry]'' Madam, look at me. Let's be honest, you're done. You can't waste my time any longer!
:'''Lacey:''' I agree.
:'''Gordon:''' Give me your jacket, and leave Hell's Kitchen. And go in there, and say goodbye. Properly, say it properly! Let's go.
:'''Lacey:''' ''[to the blue team]'' Thank you for everything!
:''[Danny quickly waves to Lacey and then resumes cooking; Ben and Robert ignore her altogether]''
:'''Robert:''' (interview) There's a small violin, just for Lacey. ''[blows a raspberry]'' She sucks. Adios, biatch.
:'''Gordon:''' Piss off! Let's go! Step up a gear.
:'''Lacey:''' (interview) On one hand, it's a relief. I can get back to my normal life. ''[packing her suitcase]'' Now I can get some sleep at night. (interview) But you know, another part of me wishes to stay and learn more and have that chance to win but unfortunately I fucked up tonight and I can only look back on the positive things which there weren't many for me. You know, my mom told me when I came here, &quot;Don't make enemies.&quot; and that's the first thing I did and kept doing the whole time I was here. Sorry mom, I should've listened.

=== Episode Nine [5.09] ===

''[Gordon checks on sauce brought up by Ben]''
:'''Gordon''': Oh Ben!
:'''Ben''': Chef!?
:'''Gordon''': ''[returns the sauce to the workstation]'' Right, all three of you [Ben, Danny &amp; Robert] come here. Here we go. ''[with spoons]'' Taste time! Quick, quick, dig in there, yes? Dig in. Make sure you take a nice big mouthful. Big mouthful. Mmmmmm. ''[spits out the sauce as does Robert]''
:'''Robert''': (interview) I spit it right out, it was disgusting.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, salty soup! You're just reheating it!
:'''Ben''': Yes.
:'''Gordon''': So how can you fuck it?!
:'''Ben''': It was bland before I over reduced it, it's my fault, I should've tasted it chef.
:'''Gordon''': You're clumsy! You salted it!
:'''Ben''': Yes chef.
:'''Gordon''': You over seasoned it!
:'''Ben''': Yes I did, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You didn't over reduce it!
:'''Ben''': (interview) I'm a soldier, that's why I say yes chef.
 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': One beef salad. Entrées: one bass, one New York steak.
:''[a woman comes up to the hotplate to reorder food]''
:'''Lady''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Yes, madam?
:'''Lady''': Totally flat. No flavor on the carpaccio. This the second time I've had to reorder.
:'''Gordon''': Okay, thank you. (to the blue team) Hey, get the veal along please, yes? Let's go.
:'''Lady''': Chef! ''[whistles to Gordon]''
:'''Gordon''': (to the woman) Right! Don't whistle at me, I'm not your fucking dog, yeah? You look more like a dog than I do. Fuck off, will you?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
''[Gordon checks on potatoes brought up by Carol]'' 
:'''Gordon''': Oh dear. Excuse me! Oh, dear! Let's go, come down! Hurry up! Taste them. There, there you go, there's a nice big slice for you. Aw, fuck it!
:'''Carol''': Hard and raw chef.
:'''Gordon''': Fucking hell! ''[throws the potatoes away]'' Why are the potatoes crunchy? Who cooked them then?
:'''Carol''': I did chef. If they go in the oven when the order comes in, they should be fully cooked. (interview) I don't know why they didn't cook. I never cooked potatoes that long before I sliced that thin.
:'''Gordon''': (To Jean-Philippe) Hey, come in here you! Have I got news for you, yeah? Tell him then, tell him! HE'S GOING TO GO AND EXPLAIN TO THE CUSTOMER!!
:'''Jean-Philippe''': What's happening?
:'''Carol''': The potatoes are undercooked. If they go in when the order comes in, they should be fine.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': What's undercooked?
:'''Gordon''': Say that again?!
:'''Carol''': If she [Andrea] fires it when the order comes in, when it's ready to go -
:'''Gordon''': Au-gratin dauphinois need to be cooked before service!
:'''Carol''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Now you're blaming her.
:'''Carol''': I'm not blaming her chef.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, Andrea, she's trying to sabotage. She can't even tur -
:'''Carol''': I'm not.
:'''Gordon''': What?
:'''Carol''': I'm not sabotaging.
:'''Andrea''': (interview) I was embarrassed for Carol. She's pointing out other people's mistakes. Point me out! I dare you!
:'''Gordon''': Here's the next question, how long then til they cook?
:'''Carol''': Maybe ten minutes.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, look how cool she is! She said &quot;maybe ten minutes&quot;!
:'''Carol''': (interview) They should've been done. Why didn't they cook?
:'''Gordon''': (to the customers) Maybe ten minutes everybody, for your Au-gratin dauphinois!! (to Carol) Look at them, the poor souls! Are you stupid?!
:'''Carol''': No, chef. I'm not.
:'''Gordon''': Bullshit! ''[throws his towel away]''
:'''Andrea''': (interview) Those potatoes! I was embarrassed for Carol.
:'''Gordon''': Why didn't they cook to begin with?
:'''Carol''': Chef, yes, I cooked them in the cream for an hour.
:'''Gordon''': WHAT?!
:'''Carol''': Yes.
:'''Gordon''': You cooked them in the cream for an hour?
:'''Carol''': In boiling cream for an hour.
:'''Gordon''': Crunchy gratin dauphinois. Useless.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
''[Carol pours more cream over her potatoes]''
:'''Gordon''': What is that on there?
:'''Carol''': I just poured more cream on it and I'm going to put it back in.
:'''Gordon''': My God! Oh, Jesus Christ! ''[gets the potatoes dumps them in the bin]'' Are you mad?
:'''Carol''': No, chef.
:'''Andrea''': (interview) There were no saving those potatoes. None whatsoever. They just looked like shit. They looked like fucking shit! It was awful.
:'''Gordon''': I wouldn't even serve that to a fucking pig farm, madam. Forget it. ''[throws the tray into the sink]'' You don't care do you? Because if you did care, you wouldn't serve me that crap! This is supposed to be your exciting menu! Really?
:'''Carol''': (interview) I feel completely awful. This is such a great dish and I fucking ruined it!

=== Episode Ten [5.10] ===

:'''Gordon''': On order, six covers table 20. Entrées: Two wellington, two chicken, one lamb, one Dory. Wellington's medium, yes?
:'''Final 6''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': (to Andrea) Right Andrea, what's going? ''[gets no answer]'' No answer. I'm not in the best of moods, ah? I don't like being ignored in my own fucking kitchen. What's going?
:'''Andrea''': I have no idea, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, my God almighty.
:'''Robert''': (interview) On garnish, you've got to be thirty seconds before everybody else. If she's not checking the tickets for us, we're screwed.
:'''Gordon''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, she's running the section, yet she has no idea of what's going. (to Giovanni) Tell her, chef.
:'''Giovanni''': Two wellingtons one medium, one medium-rare and lamb medium? I'm sorry, lamb medium-rare. Two lamb medium-rare.
:'''Gordon''': Oh my God.
:'''Robert and Ben Walanka''': Two chicken.
:'''Paula''': Two chicken and a Dory.
:'''Giovanni''': Two wellington, Two chicken and a lamb.
:'''Gordon''': Two wellington, two chicken, one lamb, one fucking Dory.
:'''Final 6''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': One wellington's medium, the rest is fucking nor-MAL. 
:'''Final 6''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Unlike us! (to Andrea) What's going, madam?
:'''Andrea''': I have no idea, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You have no idea. 
:'''Andrea''': I have no idea, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, come here you. Hey... fuck off! Hey madam, (points to the front entrance) through the door there! FUCK OFF!
:''[Andrea walks out of the door while the camera crew follows her]''
:'''Andrea''': Get that fucking camera out of my face.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Andrea, relax. The only thing he wants from you is to come back. You need to fight back. If you don't, you're finished.
:'''Andrea''': (interview) This is the hardest... most difficult, most up-and-down thing that I've ever, ''ever'' done in my entire life! ''[to Jean-Philippe]'' It's just been out of fucking control tonight. There's no communication with anybody, and I just haven't recovered. 
:'''Jean-Philippe''': You want to stay?
:'''Andrea''': Yes, I want to fucking stay! I've been through too much hell right now to fucking leave!
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Absolutely. So keep it to Gordon.
:'''Andrea''': (interview) It's just a reminder of how difficult it's been and how much...how much I just want this so bad.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': So now you need to be strong. Go back in there, and give it your best shot. Go on, then!
:'''Andrea''': (interview) I put everything I have into this every day, and I just had to go in there and fight for the rest of it.
:'''Gordon''': ''[to Andrea]'' Right, what's going?
:'''Andrea''': Two chicken, two lamb, one wellington, one Dory.
:'''Gordon''': Thank you. Back in the kitchen! NOW WAKE UP, ANDREA!
:'''Andrea''': Yes, chef!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Dory, salmon, lamb, wellington!
:'''Robert''': Two minutes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': ''[notices Robert putting the bacon into the John Dory]'' Robert, just come here!
:'''Robert''': Oh, shit!
:'''Gordon''': Why have you put the bacon inside the Dory?
:'''Robert''': To crisp it up, chef, real quickly.
:'''Gordon''': What's the bacon with?
:'''Robert''': For the scallops.
:'''Gordon''': So why have you put it with the Dory? Suppose he's allergic to bacon! You can send somebody to the hospital on the back of that!
:'''Robert''': Oh, you're right.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, come on! ''[kicks a bin]'' &quot;You're right&quot;? Course, I'm fucking right! Get the bacon out!
:'''Robert''': (interview) Yeah, I fucked up and you know what? I know in my heart, I got it. I'm a bull.
:'''Gordon''': Come on, Mr Bacon Man!
:'''Narrator''': While Robert tries again on the John Dory, Chef Ramsay is counting on Giovanni on the meat station to get out the first entrée of the night.
:''[Gordon checks on chicken special at the pass]''
:'''Gordon''': (with a chewed up piece of chicken) What is that?
:'''Scott''': Giovanni's best.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, Ben.
:'''Ben Walanka''': Chef?
:'''Gordon''': Is that a chewed up bit of chicken from the dog? Here. ''[gives the chicken to Ben]'' That's your special. Yeah, have a word with him, yeah? He's given up. Take all the garnish back, do whatever you wish with it. Your special has now become not very special thanks to dickface (Giovanni) there. Hurry up, Giovanni!
:'''Giovanni''': Yeah, but I'm not dickface, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, say that again?!
:'''Giovanni''': I said I'm not dickface, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, you're pissed, are you? Not as fucking- Look at me, '''LOOK AT ME IN THE EYES!!!''' '''NOT AS PISSED AS I AM!!! YOU FUCKIN' ARE!!! DONKEY!!!'''
:'''Giovanni''': No.
:'''Ben''': (interview) Whooo! Boy, oh boy!
:'''Gordon''': Cause right now, I don't '''GIVE A FUCK!''' '''DICKFACE!'''
:'''Giovanni''': (interview) I'm an emotional person, but he can get in my face all he wants, he will not break me.
:'''Gordon''': You're sending shit, and you're trying to get away with it! Now I'm ''ready'' for an argument! SENDING ME THAT, YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED!!
:'''Robert''': (interview) You know, he just ''wants'' you to pop off.
:'''Gordon''': And you want to get all sensitive! You want to get all fucking negative! 
:'''Giovanni''': No, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Look at me, look at me, you send me shit like that, take your jacket and FUCK OFF!
:'''Giovanni''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': I'm not sending that shit, &quot;chef!&quot;
:'''Giovanni''': No, chef. Sorry, chef. (interview) I wasn't angry at him, I was angry at myself. It was just, I was boiling inside and... and he said something to me.
:'''Gordon''': That's the well done one. And look at me, I think you're too fucked to get upset with me, you don't give a fuck what I call you. This is not personal, this is professional! That personal was a piece of shit, now pull it back!!
:'''Giovanni''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': '''DICKFACE!'''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Giovanni, Robert! Hey Andrea, come here you! ''[gathers them at the corner]'' All three of you are pathetic! You (Giovanni) don't care...
:'''Giovanni''': I care, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You're (Robert) way behind, and you (Andrea) haven't got a fucking clue! Can we work together as a team?!
:'''Giovanni, Robert and Andrea''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Two wellington. One well-done! '''Get it ON!!!'''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Danny''': (interview) One station failed...
:'''Scott''': ''[Andrea's one pan catches fire]'' Pan's on fire! Pan's on fire!
:'''Danny''': ...and another station failed. It's no joke.
:'''Gordon''': We're going up in flames. ''[pick Andrea's pan]''
:'''Paula''': (interview) First night with the Black team, one big cluster fuck.
:'''Gordon''': Same shit, different day! (throws the pan into the sink)
:'''Scott''': ''[Ben's pan also catches fire]'' What about the rest of the table? We need cover-up.
:'''Gordon''': Dynamic six, yeah. My fucking ass. Fuck off the lot of you! ''[walks out of the kitchen and throws his towel away]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': ''[calls the five chefs back in the kitchen after Giovanni's elimination.]'' I just spent the last hour upstairs in my office thinking. It just doesn't make sense! How can the final six be so shit? I called you all down here because on the back of that performance, I'm now going to do something I have never ever done before. I'm shutting down Hell's Kitchen.

=== Episode Eleven [5.11] ===

:'''Narrator''': After a couple of days without any word on how Robert is doing, Chef Ramsay calls the chefs down for a meeting.
:'''Gordon''': So you're feeling fresh, very relaxed. Did you enjoy the whole atmosphere at the Borgata Resort?
:'''Danny''': Very much so.
:'''Ben''': Incredible, Chef.
:'''Gordon''': Sadly, you came back minus one individual. Clearly, you're all deeply concerned. I'm not going to tell you how he's doing, I'm going to let him tell you himself. Chef Robert.
:''[Robert appears and everyone applauds and smile]''
:'''Gordon''': Okay, big boy. Let me just say how pleased I am to see you.
:'''Robert''': Thank you.
:'''Gordon''': How are you feeling?
:'''Robert''': Not good.
:'''Gordon''': Ah?
:'''Robert''': Not good.
:''[Ben stops smiling.]''
:'''Gordon''': What did the medics say?
:'''Robert''': I have [[w:Pericarditis|pericarditis]], which is the swelling of the sac around the heart which leads to heart disease.
:''[Gordon shakes his head in dismay, Andrea and Paula fight back tears.]''
:'''Gordon''': Oh dear. Are you coming back?
:'''Robert''': No.
:'''Gordon''': No?
:''[Danny's face drops]''
:'''Robert''': I'm not coming back.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Ben has been struggling on the garnish station]''
:'''Gordon''': What's going, Ben? (gets no response) Oh, my God almighty! Oh, come on. Three Dory, two salmon, one chicken. (sees what Ben is doing) Why is he putting the lettuce there like that? He's trying to sauté it.
:'''Scott''': I don't know, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Look at the mess of this guy.
:'''Scott''': He throwing everything in a pot.
:'''Ben Walanka''': (interview) I was just absolutely... just mind-boggled.
:'''Gordon''': ''[picks up a pan and a piece of lettuce]'' You've got a pan here like that and you're throwing lettuce on top like that... ''you're shit.'' You are so shit, you don't realise what you're doing!
:'''Danny''': (interview) Oh, man Ben! Like, come on. You know better than that.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, come here a minute. Why are you doing this? You're just adding the lettuce to the tomato and cucumber, you're not sautéing the lettuce?
:'''Ben''': Chef, I was in a side pan s-sautéing the tomatoes and the cucumbers, chef. But I did it wrong, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, you're fuckin' up, you're cutting corners, and you're slipping big time! Do you know what? Do you know your biggest problem that'll always be the downfall of your career? You're full of fuckin' shit! 'cause every time you get fuckin' something wrong, you give a bullshit fuckin' excuse, but right now, I'm fed up with your bullshit excuses!
:'''Ben''': (interview) There's really nothing that I can do to please Chef Ramsay, and I'm slowly but surely being able to accept that.
:'''Gordon''': '''FUCK OFF!!'''
:'''Ben''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You're too dangerous to have on service. I asked you what you're doing, you said you're sautéeing tomatoes, ARE YOU '''FUNK! YOU DIRTY PIG! GET OUT!! GET OUT!!''' Un-fucking-believable!
:''[Ben walks into the pantry and bangs his head on the door]''
:'''Ben''': (interview) What the fuck is going on?! I–I'm very upset right now, but I don't give up. I'm a good cook, I know how to cook. You know, I feel like I need to really try and pull it together. ''[goes in the bathroom to wash his face]'' Okay, we're back. (interview) I certainly ain't leaving here without a fight. I'll tell you that.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Ben returns to the kitchen after a quick break]''
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, right. Hey, you! Come here you! What's going through your mind now? You still going to fucking butcher me and slice me and serve shit to them?
:'''Ben Walanka''': No, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Where's your fight, man?!
:'''Ben''': It's here, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Where is it?!
:'''Ben''': I got it, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Then wake up, you doughnut!
:'''Ben''': '''YES, CHEF!'''
[[Category:Hell's Kitchen seasons]]</text>
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:'''Seasons:'''  [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 1|1]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 2|2]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 3|3]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 4|4]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 5|5]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 6|6]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 7|7]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 8|8]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 9|9]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 10|10]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 11|11]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 12|12]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 13|13]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 14|14]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 15|15]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 16|16]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 17|17]] | '''[[Hell's Kitchen|Main]]'''
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&lt;br&gt;
'''''[[w:Hell's Kitchen (U.S.)|Hell's Kitchen]]''''' is an American cooking reality show based on [[w:Hell's Kitchen (UK)|the British program of the same title]], where Chef [[w:Gordon Ramsay|Gordon Ramsay]] puts aspiring chefs through different challenges and dinner services to decide who is the best.

=== Episode One [5.01] ===

:'''Gordon''': And the name of the dish is what?
:'''Danny''': Mahi Gone Bananas, chef.
:'''Gordon''': ''[tastes the dish]'' It looks like ''you've'' gone slightly bananas. It's hideous. Back in line. 
:'''Danny''': (interview) Ramsay's definitely just looking for a rise out of me, which he's going to eventually get.
:'''Gordon''': So the idea came from where?
:'''Danny''': I just pulled it out of my ass, sir.
:'''Gordon''': Put it back in there because it sucks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Who's cooked the diapers?
:'''Colleen''': No diapers, sir. That's chicken enchiladas with poblano cream sauce. My name's Colleen.
:'''Gordon''': Corinne.
:'''Colleen''': Colleen.
:'''Gordon''': Corinne.
:'''Colleen''': COL-leen.
:'''Gordon''': What do you do for a living?
:'''Colleen''': I am a culinary instructor and I own a recreational cooking school.
:'''Gordon''': And were you a trained chef before you set up a school?
:'''Colleen''': No, I am not a trained chef.
:'''Gordon''': So you're not a trained chef, yet you teach chefs to cook.
:'''Colleen''': That's correct.
:'''Gordon''': How much do you charge?
:'''Colleen''': 300 per three to four hours.
:'''Gordon''': Right. Look at the size of it.
:'''Colleen''': I feed big Nebraska boys. Would you like me to get you a bite?
:'''Gordon''': No, I'll bite it myself. ''[tries dish, spits it out]''
:'''Colleen''': Okay.
:'''Gordon''': You seriously charge $300 to teach people how to make that crap?
:'''Colleen''': Y–Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I feel like I need some plastic wrap on my arse.
:'''Colleen''': (interview) It was extremely difficult to just stand there and to keep my mouth shut! (to Gordon) I teach manners, too, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Say that again?
:'''Narrator''': Cooking instructor Colleen not only offered Chef Ramsay a dish he didn't care for, but an etiquette lesson as well.
:'''Gordon''': Okay, please, Miss Manners, fuck off back in line.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': It looks like lamb chops on a bed of ratatouille.
:'''Seth''': Uh, that's mine, chef. (interview) To be like Chef Ramsay is my dream. I've read his books, I've visited his restaurant in Manhattan. I think we have very similar styles.
:'''Gordon''': How long have you been cooking?
:'''Seth''': Fifteen years around.
:'''Gordon''': And what is it?
:'''Seth''': Cinnamon crusted rack of lamb with a(n) aubergine ratatouille.
:'''Gordon''': The ratatouille, what's in there?
:'''Seth''': Tomatoes, onion, tomato sauce, tomato paste.
:'''Gordon''': ''[spits out food]'' How come the aubergine's so sweet?
:'''Seth''': There's some honey, uh...
:'''Gordon''': Honey in a ratatouille? Uh, is that normal?
:'''Crowd''': No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': That's the worst dish I've ever tasted. ''[Seth laughs]'' Fifteen years to cook that shit and you're laughing. You could make history on being the fastest exit in Hell's Kitchen. And I'm fucking serious, you know that. Back in line. ''[Seth goes back in line]'' The quicker you understand how serious I am, the quicker you'll cook better.
:'''Seth''': I'll try harder next time, sir. (interview) I thought it looked all right. I think my presentation was good. I know it's a good dish. I got to prove to him that I can cook my ass off.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Lacey and Coi are arguing during prep. Gordon approaches Coi]''
:'''Gordon''': What's the matter?
:'''Coi''': This station is fucked... up.
:'''Lacey''': Come on, Coi.
:'''Coi''': (to Lacey) Don't say a fucking thing. (to Gordon) I come over here, there's nothing fucking done, chef. Nothing!
:'''Lacey''': (to Coi) Now why don't you tell him that you're threatening me.
:'''Gordon''': (to Coi and Lacey) Oh, wait. Right. I'm just about to open the doors, okay? Don't panic. I'm not asking you to be lovebirds, okay?
:'''Coi''': Absolutely.
:'''Gordon''': Calm down, get a grip and show me some form of composure, yes?
:'''Coi''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, my God!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': On order six covers, table 20. Two spaghetti, two scallops, one risotto, one Caesar. Entrées, three wellington, get them in!
:'''Robert''': ''[shouting over Gordon]'' Ben you guys, get going!
:'''Ben''': I'm coming! I'm coming!
:'''Gordon''': Hey you. Hey fuck-wit, Come here you. Come here! I'm calling out an order and you just shout over.
:'''Robert''': Sorry, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You fucking call out the order then. You fuck, FUCKING call out the order!
:'''Robert''': I need one Caesar, two scallops, one risotto and two spaghetti now! (interview) Yeah, give me the reins man! Let me drive this bitch!
:'''Gordon''': You fucking interrupt me again next time, you're going for an early bath.
:'''Robert''': Yes.
:'''Gordon''': A big one in the hot tub!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Gordon checks on scallops brought up by Danny]''
:'''Gordon''': Danny? Come here, that's you. Overcooked scallops, let's go. It's not exactly rocket science.
:'''Danny''': Well obviously, chef. ''[angrily slams his pan; [Gordon gives him a dirty look]''
:'''Gordon''': (to Danny) Hey you, come here you.
:'''Danny''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Okay, can you cook like a team member?
:'''Danny''': I'll wash their station and my station, chef.
:'''Gordon''': How about communicating with them?
:'''Danny''': I did, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Don't fucking dare start getting fucking pissed with me. Is that clear?
:'''Danny''': Chef, yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Good. NOW JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!!
:''[power supply shuts down]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Gordon looks for spaghetti in the Red kitchen]''
:'''Gordon''': Where's the other spaghetti? ''[notices Colleen starting a fresh spaghetti in a dirty pan]'' Madam, come here. ''[gets Colleen's pan]'' You're starting a fresh one in dirty pan!
:'''Colleen''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Oh!
:'''Colleen''': (interview) The pan that I've already used and I didn't have the chance to wipe it. I felt like an idiot.
:'''Gordon''': You teach people how to cook! ''[slams the pan down on her station]''
:'''Colleen''': We have no more pans, chef.
:'''Gordon''': ''[gets some pans from Andrea's station]'' Look! Pan, pan, pan!
:'''Colleen''': Thank you, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You're going to start a fresh spaghetti in a dirty pan! Holy crap!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': Seth is hoping to score high marks with his first entrée.
:'''Gordon''': Why's it all fucking mangled?
:'''Scott''': He didn't have it ready, and then he sliced it and seared all the chops.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, Forrest! Come here you.
:'''Seth''': (interview) Ramsay, he keeps calling me &quot;Forrest&quot; as in [[w:Forrest Gump|Forrest Gump]]. I think it's a great name!
:'''Gordon''': You didn't cook it properly temperature wise, so you decided to buckle it and bastardise it. Now you're really having a laugh, yeah?
:'''Ben''': (interview) Man, this poor lamb chop just got charred. No excuse for that first lamb.
:'''Gordon''': Would you get excited to come here and eat that shit?
:'''Seth''': Absolutely not.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, fuck off, will you?
:'''Seth''': (interview) Listen, I screwed up the lamb, but at the end of the service, Gordon and I will be like peas and carrots once again!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': It's two and a half hours into the dinner service, and while Colleen has finally mastered the spaghetti, she still has a lot to learn about risotto.
:'''Gordon''': Look! ''[returns to workstation and tastes the risotto]'' Hey!
:'''Colleen''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Taste!
:'''Colleen''': Yes, chef.
:''[Gordon spits out the risotto in disgust]''
:'''Gordon''': That's the risotto! That, quite frankly, is the worst risotto I've ever tasted in my entire cooking career. Why's it so sweet? Who put sugar in there?
:'''Colleen''': ''[holds up a pot of sugar]'' I grabbed this. I thought it was salt.
:'''LA''': (interview) Are you fucking kidding me?
:'''Gordon''': That... ''[throws the risotto in the trash]'' is shit! Oh, my God!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Mashed potatoes?
:'''Wil''': ''[brings his garnishes to the pass]'' Fuck!
:'''Gordon''': What are you doing, Wil?
:'''Wil''': Sorry, chef. I don't know if this is very hot. (to his team mates) You got a cold sizzle?
:'''Gordon''': Dear, oh dear! Wil!
:'''Wil''': Yes, chef?
:'''Gordon''': You're shit!
:'''Wil''': Yes, chef. I am.
:'''Gordon''': You are so shit, it's unbelievable!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Are you on the garnish now, Robert?
:'''Robert''': I just want to help him out [Wil], chef.
:'''Gordon''': Charlie's on the garnish, Robert's on the garnish, yeah? And Wil is on planet cuckoo.
:'''Charlie''': (interview) Wil got thrown to the dogs on the garnish station. By the time I got around to help him, it was ugly.
:'''Gordon''': Wil, there's not one cook in the kitchen that hasn't been with you on the garnish tonight!
:'''Wil''': (interview) Being on the receiving end of Chef Ramsay's wrath...yeah, that sorta sucked. 
:'''Gordon''': Dear, oh dear, oh dear.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Garnish, please! (to Wil) What in the fuck are you two doing?
:'''Carol''': ''[interview; sees the customers leaving the kitchen]'' Oh no! When the customers got up and starting to walk out, I'm shocked.
:'''Gordon''': Let's go, 22!
:'''Waiter''': 22 just left.
:'''Gordon''': Twenty-two. 22 just left.
:'''Giovanni''': My table got up and left.
:'''Gordon''': ''[to Robert; tosses the plates to him]'' Hey! Hey, you! Hey, catch! THEY JUST LEFT! THEY JUST FUCKING LEFT!
:'''Giovanni''': The rest of tables got walked out.
:'''Lady''': Alright. Out of Hell's Kitchen.
:'''Gordon''': Switch it off! NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!! ''[goes to the red kitchen]'' Come here, all of you! ''[calls the blue team]'' Come here, all of you! Yeah, take a look at there! Pathetic, absolute embarrassment, utter crap! Clear down! CLEAR DOWN!!

=== Episode Two [5.02] ===

:'''Gordon''': The scallops are cooked, aren't they?
:'''Colleen''': Yes.
:'''Gordon''': Why are they still in the pan if they're cooked? They're going to be overcooked, you stupid cow! Oh, my God! Who cooked the scallops last service? Who was that?
:'''Lacey''': I did, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Come here, you! Come here! Show her how to cook a fucking scallop. Hey, by the way, she's not charging $300. Hey, this is free now. Free lesson! Stand back!
:'''Carol''': (interview) Colleen runs a cooking school, but she has no experience on the line and it clearly shows.
:'''Gordon''': (to Lacey) Teach madam [Colleen] here how to cook a fucking scallop!
:'''Lacey''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Shit!! Unbelievable!
:'''Lacey''': (interview) I almost felt honored in a weird way. (to Colleen) It's okay. It's alright.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': (to Ji) Is your ankle hurting?
:'''Ji''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, so's my fuckin' head. It's throbbin'.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Lacey brings Colleen's scallops to the pass]''
:'''Gordon''': Thank you, Lacey.
:'''Lacey''': You're welcome, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Colleen!! Do you see a difference? Pink in the middle, coloured both sides, yes?
:'''Colleen''': Yes, I do, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, did she charge you?
:'''Colleen''': (brief pause) No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, thank fuck for that. Let's go. God bless Nebraska.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Narrator''': Seth and Charlie have delivered their lobster spaghetti to the pass.
:''[Gordon checks the spaghetti; finds out that there's no lobster in it]''
:'''Gordon''': There's no fucking lobster in there.
:'''Scott''': Doesn't look like it, no.
:'''Narrator''': But, it's missing one key ingredient.
:'''Gordon''': ''[returns to the workstation and pushes a pan aside]'' Hey, fuck-wit! Come here you! Come here!
:'''Charlie''': What's this?
:'''Gordon''': There's no fucking lobster in it!
:'''Charlie''': Shit!!
:'''Gordon''': How can you give it to me with no lobster in there?!
:'''Charlie''': We're stupid, chef. Apologies.
:'''Gordon''': Wake up, Charlie!!
:'''Charlie''': Yes, chef! Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': And you [Seth], docile fucking idiot! What's the dish called?
:'''Seth''': Uhm... Uhm...
:'''Gordon''': Spaghetti of lobster!!
:'''Seth''': (interview) I feel like I just got hit by a train!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Gordon checks on salmon brought up by Colleen]''
:'''Gordon:''' Oh, my God! ''[returns to the workstation]'' Come here you. Hey, Coi, come here! Carol, Lacey, come here! (to Colleen) Away now, two Wellington, yes, one salmon and one John Dory. Where's the John Dory?
:'''Colleen:''' (brief pause) I don't have the John Dory.
:'''Gordon:''' You don't have it. Hey, look, come here. Hey, there you go, look at that. ''[holds up the salmon]'' Look, look, hold on, hey, don't run away. '''IT'S BLACK!''' On top of that, there's an added bonus. It's fucking raw in the middle.
:'''Colleen:''' Yes, chef.
:''[Gordon angrily throws the salmon away and kicks the bin]''
:'''Gordon:''' Fucking useless, fucking shit. You're not a cookery school teacher, are you? You're joking, aren't you?
:'''Colleen:''' No, I'm not joking, chef. I am a--
:'''Gordon:''' Tell me, tell me you're pomping yourself up to make yourself look good. You don't really have a cooking school?
:'''Colleen:''' No, chef, I own a cooking school. I have a business just like you do.
:'''Gordon:''' Your fucking business is not like my business. Hey, madam, let's get that fucking right.
:'''Colleen:''' You're right.
:'''Gordon:''' You're robbing people! You're a thief!! I'm concerned for the poor bastards that you've taken money off of!! ''[sees another piece of salmon burning]'' Hey, madam, lift that lid off, it looks black.
:'''Colleen:''' It IS black!
:'''Gordon''': Oh, 'GOD!!!'
:'''Colleen''': Both of them!
:'''Gordon:''' '''SHIT!''' [Gordon and Coi look physically shocked] '''SHIT! IT'S BLACK!'''
:'''Colleen:''' Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon:''' OH, MY GOD!!
:'''Carol:''' These are burning.
:'''Colleen:''' I know.
:'''Gordon:''' Hey, madam, madam! '''GET OUT!!''' Get on the raw bar. Lacey! LACEY! Get on the fish!
:'''Lacey:''' Yes, chef!
:'''Colleen:''' (interview) Chef Ramsay's definitely not going to break me. He can ask me to leave, he can kick me out of the kitchen, he can do all those things, but he's not going to break me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Gordon checks on salmon brought up by Giovanni]''
:'''Gordon''': Giovanni! ''[returns to the workstation]''
:'''Giovanni''': Yes, chef?
:'''Gordon''': Hey, all of you come here! ''[points to Danny]'' He's cooking his ass off, surrounded by five muppets, yeah? The temperature's perfect, and I get that bit of shit there, look. I got given that! Would you eat that? ''[throws the salmon to Seth]'' Go on, eat it, eat it. (to Seth) Would you eat that?
:'''Seth''': No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': (to Giovanni) Would you eat that?
:'''Giovanni''': No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': ''[comes up to Giovanni]'' Hey, you can be pissed off. You got every fucking right to be pissed off. You know that, yes?
:'''Giovanni''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Fucking '''RAW'''!!
:'''Giovanni''': (interview) I've never had a chef come that close to me in my life. He can yell at me from across the kitchen, he doesn't have to get 2 inches away from my face.

=== Episode Three [5.03] ===
''[during the meat labelling challenge, with both teams both having five correct labels so far]''
:'''Seth''': (interview) Meat is one of my fortes. I definitely had six, seven out of eight without even looking.
:'''Ben''': Ring the bell, ring the bell. Go for it!
:''[Seth lightly taps the bell]''
:'''Gordon''': I can't hear that!
:'''Ben''': Ring the fucking bell!
:''[Seth hits the bell harder]''
:'''Gordon''': Seven wrong for blue, let's go.
:'''Charlie''': Holy shit! We're working backwards!
:'''J''': (interview) SETH, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!
:'''Narrator''': Seth's poor performance has set the men back. Now Lacey has a golden opportunity to redeem herself with her team.
:'''Carol''': Come on, Lacey!
:'''Lacey''': (interview) It's my chance to show my team that I can step up, and that I deserve to be here.
:'''Colleen''': Come on! We can do this!
:'''LA''': Move it, Lacey!
:'''Andrea''': (interview) Lacey was just moving things around for the feeling that she was doing something, and you know what, that's no different to how she is in the kitchen.
:''[Robert rings the men's bell]''
:'''Gordon''': Six wrong.
:'''Narrator''': Robert has only improved on Seth by one.
:'''Carol''': (to Lacey) Come on, let's go! Come on, come on, come on, come on!
:''[Lacey rings the bell]''
:'''Gordon''': Okay... (sees that Lacey has placed the &quot;bottom round&quot; label near one of the model cow's front legs) BOTTOM ROUND?! WHAT DOES &quot;BOTTOM&quot; MEAN? One, two, three, four, five, six wrong! Dear oh dear!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Why aren't the shrimp on? Get them on! Come on, Charlie.
:'''Charlie''': Sorry, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Unbelievable. A Caesar salad and we're in the shit! ''[spots that Charlie's cooking cloth has caught fire]'' Your cloth's on fire! YOUR CLOTH'S ON FIRE!
:'''J''': (interview) Charlie, wake the fuck up, man.
:'''Gordon''': Get it in the water please, Scott, before he burns the place down.
:'''Charlie''': I'm doing my best, chef.
:'''Scott''': (throws the cloth in the sink) If that's your best, you might want to rethink your best a little bit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Narrator''': It's thirty minutes into dinner service, and Ben is trying to impress Chef Ramsay with his speed. 
:'''Ben''': ''[bringing some chocolate brownie desserts to the pass]'' Coming down with desserts. Coming down with desserts... 
:'''Narrator''': Unfortunately, having dessert ready before the appetizers is not exactly what Chef Ramsay had in mind. 
:'''Gordon''':  Dick-head, put them down. ''[calls entire team]'' Hey, all of you, come here. Ben's now bringing me a chocolate fucking brownie. ''[tosses one dessert on the counter]'' WHAT'S GOING ON?! 
:'''Seth''': (interview) I didn't know what was going on, but he brought up dessert four minutes in. I mean, I've done some stupid shit, but that's embarrassing. 
:'''Gordon''': So, let's do it this way, then. There you go. ''[puts the desserts on the pass]'' Ben wants to serve a chocolate brownie before we serve the appetisers. 
:'''Ben''': No, chef. 
:'''Gordon''': What are you ''dreaming'' on?! Are you ''stupid''?! 
:'''Ben''': No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You've got cheesecake made as well! 
:'''Ben''': Yes, chef. 
:'''Gordon''': We've trashed six desserts before we've sent out fucking appetisers! 
:'''Ben''': It was my fault, chef. (interview) It was my mistake for not exactly knowing Chef Ramsay's terminologies, but fuck me if the words &quot;pick&quot; and &quot;up&quot; don't mean &quot;give you the desserts!&quot; 
:'''Gordon''': Have you been drinking or sniffing? 
:'''Ben''': No, chef. No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Look at me: Go upstairs for a lie-down. 
:'''Ben''': No, no, chef! 
:'''Gordon''': Go upstairs for a lie-down! ''[leads Ben out of the kitchen, then walks away]'' Useless. Absolutely useless. ''[a couple of seconds pass, then Ben quickly returns into the kitchen]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Lacey returns a Caesar salad to the pass]''
:'''Gordon''': What's the matter?
:'''Lacey''': She just didn't know if there were anchovies on it.
:'''Gordon''': You got what you asked for.
:'''Lacey''': I know, chef.
:'''Gordon''': So what did you fuck up? I know you find this is, yeah I know you laugh and it's funny.
:'''Lacey''': I'm not laughing! I'm trying not to cry.
:'''Gordon''': You're fucking worse than [[:w:Britney Spears|Britney Spears]], you jumped-up bitch!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[Carol returns to the pass with filet mignon]''
:'''Carol''': They say they want to brighten it up a little bit, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Giovanni, Robert come here! Robert, bounce your way down here. Let's go. ''[portions the beef]'' (pounds the counter) Touch it! Touch it!
:'''Giovanni and Robert''': It's cold.
:'''Gordon''': '''FUCKING SHIT!!''' ''[throws the beef away]'' It's still walking, that fucking piece of beef!
:'''Danny''': (interview) It pisses me off. We have the executive chef of a steakhouse running our grill. Wake up, get it together and put out some decent food.
:'''Gordon''': Giovanni!
:'''Giovanni''': Yes, chef?
:'''Gordon''': Thank fuck I've never been to your steakhouse! It's fucking blue!
:'''Giovanni''': Yes, chef!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Narrator''': With just 30 minutes left, Jean Phillippe is looking for Lacey.
:'''Jean Phillippe''': Table 23. The Table you forgot.
:'''Lacey''': I have to go up there and tell them to fire it?
:'''Jean Phillippe''': Who el...Who else is going to do it?
:'''Lacey''': Jean Phillipe I never waited table before!!!
:'''Jean Phillippe''': (Gobbles) Can you just go and ask the chef to fire It (Trying to do Lacey Voice), (Gobbles)
:'''Lacey''': I need the main course for 23 fired. Thanks Chef.
:'''Gordon''': Hey Madam (Lacey), We just taking the order in now??? Why did it take so long???
:'''Jean Phillippe''': She forgot the Table.
:'''Gordon''': (Shakes Head and angrily swats Lacey away)
:'''Lacey''': Yeah, &quot;Fuck off with me!&quot; I know.
:'''Gordon''': (To the Blue Team) Lacey forgot the ORDER!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[after Seth's attempt at butchering the filet mignon, Ramsay has discovered a huge amount of wasted meat]''
:'''Gordon''': Hey, all of you, here! Quickly! There's the filet, yes? Look at the fucking waste! ''[empties the waste onto the counter; the amount of waste is nearly as big as the remaining filet. Seth looks confused, while the other team members look horrified]'' That's what he took off, and there's the filet. LOOK AT THE FILET!
:'''Giovanni''': (interview) He molested that poor thing! People have gone to jail for worse, but it looked like he went at it with a jackhammer.
:'''Gordon''': ''[hurls the offcuts to Seth]'' We've fucking WASTED the most expensive part! LOOK AT IT! What are you going to do, get daddy to buy you a new one?
:'''Narrator''': With only fifteen minutes of dinner service left, Seth has butchered the filet. And possibly the Blue Team's hope of winning dinner service.
:'''Gordon''': How can you do that?
:'''Seth''': I never butchered a filet before chef.
:'''Gordon''': Congratulations, you just have.
:'''Seth''': ''[smiles]'' Thanks, yes... 
:'''Gordon''': Hey, hey smartass - not in the right way, you fucking bozo!
:'''Seth''': (interview) I don't think I did that bad, butchering that filet, but now I'll know for next time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[two minutes remain of the Blue team's half of the service]''
:'''Gordon''': Where's the New York strip?!
:'''Giovanni''': Chef, I'm four minutes away!
:'''Gordon''': Oh, my God. SWITCH IT OFF!! We're now over two hours, he (Giovanni) fucks the filet! (to Charlie) The shrimps go down! (to Ben Walanka) This dick sent me dessert before the appetisers! ''[throws his apron]'' Fuck off! (to Jean-Philippe) Jean-Philippe, shut it down, yes? Two hours over. Clear down!!!
:'''Robert''': (interview; tonight was originally planned to have been his wedding) I've embarrassed myself, my family, my girlfriend. ''[throws his buff off angrily]''
:''[Customers are leaving Hell's Kitchen]''
:'''Ben Walanka''': Here we go. Here comes the pain.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Where's the four Caesar salad, two shrimp?
:'''Colleen''': Coming chef. These were two, one and one.
:'''Gordon''': Where's the fucking four I asked for?
:'''Coi''': Four Caesar salad, two shrimp!
:'''Gordon''': (to Colleen) Hey!
:'''Colleen''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You're doing this on purpose.
:'''Colleen''': No I'm not, I swear. You said two. One and one.
:'''Gordon''': Look at me! Look at me! Four fucking salads.
:'''Colleen''': (interview) There's always the person in your life that's being grumpy and you know not being nice. Then there is one that Chef Ramsay whose the arrogant vicious attack dog.  
:'''Gordon''': (to Colleen) Hey, Madam, you're fucking pathetic!
:'''Colleen''': Yes, chef.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Four salad, three shrimp, one plain! (Colleen) Oh no, come here! What's going?
:'''Colleen''': Four Caesar salad, three shrimp, one plain!
:'''Gordon''': One more!
:'''Colleen''': Four Caesar salad chef, three shrimp, one plain!
:'''Gordon''': One more!
:'''Colleen''': Four Caesar salad chef, three shrimp, one plain!
:'''Gordon''': And last time!
:'''Colleen''': Four Caesar salad chef, three...
:'''Gordon''': (visibly shocked) Oh, m - OHH, GOD!
:'''Colleen''': ... SHRIMP, ONE PLAIN!
:'''Gordon''': Oh you fucking - hoo, shit! She's not normal... she can not be normal...
:'''Lacey''': (interview) My God! Colleen, if we lose tonight and I go home, I swear to God, I hope you can't sleep at night because you deserve to go home more than I.

=== Episode Four [5.04] ===
:'''Colleen''': How could we lose with cheerleaders on our side? Yeah! V, V-I, V-C-I-T-O-R-Y! (a caption reading &quot;Vcitory???&quot; appears)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[The Blue Team have lost the challenge and Ben believes that Danny was responsible for it even though it fell on Seth]''
:'''Ben''': Imma tell you one thing. I don't like fucking losing and Danny, I was over there helping you then I jumped over to eggs.
:'''Danny''': You should've been on eggs the whole time.
:'''Ben''': You were the one drowning on the pancakes buddy, that is correct.
:'''Danny''': Look you gave me a hand walking up pancakes and thank you for that.
:'''Ben''': Wait a minute Danny, ''[J laughs]'' come on man are you serious right now?
:'''Danny''': What? You-you helped me plate some pancakes and I appreciate it, thank you, I-I'm not a-
:'''Ben''': It's cool.
:'''Danny''': I'm not a hero here, I never said I was.
:'''J''': You said that earlier, you said you were the best cook.
''[Flashbacks to Gordon asking who the Blue Team's best cook is with Danny calling himself the Blue Team's best cook]''
:'''Danny''': I am obviously the best cook on the team.
:'''Ben''': You want to hear something dude, I will put circles around you! I will circle you like a fucking moon!
:'''Danny''': Where have you been?
:'''Giovanni''': Hey, hey come on! Danny, come on! Hey, Ben!
:'''Ben''': ''[over Giovanni]'' Are you joking me? You couldn't cook my cock!
''[The women walk past as Danny and Ben's argument starts escalating]''
:'''Giovanni''': Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
:'''Ben''': Are you joking me? I AM SO FUCKING-
:'''Danny''': Where have you been!? 
:'''Giovanni''': ''[stands between Danny and Ben]'' Be quiet! Quiet! Quiet!
:'''Ben''': We'll see you on garnish.
:'''Danny''': Shut the fuck up.
:'''Ben''': I mean- you know what, I need two minutes, I need two minutes bro.
:'''Danny''': Take your two minutes Bro because I haven't seen you kitchen yet.
:'''Giovanni''': HEY! 
:'''Danny''': Where have you been!?
:'''Ben''': ''[heads down to the patio]'' (interview) Danny's ego is getting the better of him and he needs to come back down on this planet.
:'''Danny''': YOU'VE GOTTEN A COMPLIMENT YET BEN!!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon''': On order: Four covers, Table 4. Two risotto, one spaghetti, one Caesar. 
:'''Blue Team''': Yes, Chef! 
:'''Danny''': (to Giovanni) Is it [the water] boiling? 
:'''Gordon''': How long? 
:'''Giovanni''': I'm waiting for the water to boil, Chef. 
:'''Gordon''': You expect me to tell Jean-Philippe we're waiting for your water to boil?! 
:'''Giovanni''': Oh, I'm sorry. 
:'''Ben''': (interview) Oh, man, Gio. How do you expect to cook pasta in water that's not boiling? 
:'''Gordon''': Hey, look at me! There's no olive oil in there, the water's not seasoned, it's not even ''boiling''! 
:'''Giovanni''': (interview) Oh, that was my fault. I didn't check my equipment. It won't happen again, that's for sure. 
:'''Gordon''': Let's go, Giovanni, let's go! Oh, my God...
:'''Narrator''': While Giovanni is in hot water, over in the Red kitchen, Coi is trying to get ahead.
:''[Gordon notices Coi cooking pasta]''
:'''Gordon''': (to Coi) Why are you cooking spaghetti? We haven't even fired it! DAMN!!
:'''Coi''': Fuck!
:'''Gordon''': Why?!
:'''Coi''': I'm sorry, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I can't believe this!! Why can't you just drop it to order?!
:'''Coi''': I will, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Tell me why you can't!!
:'''Coi''': I'm just trying to get ahead, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You can't get ahead! You're not that good!
:'''Coi''': (interview) I was trying to take so many steps ahead, so I'm kicking myself in the ass so, if I would have listened better, he wouldn't be screaming at me.
:'''Gordon''': Coi? Put some more spaghetti in to make yourself...
:'''Coi''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, I'm joking you stupid cow!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Jean-Philippe returns to the pass with Caesar salad]''
:'''Gordon''': What's going on on there?
:'''Jean-Philippe''': That's from, uhm, table 20 blue.
:''[Gordon checks the salad, then finds a butt of lettuce in it]''
:'''Gordon''': Hey, ALL OF YOU! COME HERE! Who dressed the Caesar salad?
:'''J''': I did chef. ''[Gordon shows the butt of lettuce to the members]'' (whispering) Jesus Christ!
:''[Gordon returns the butt of lettuce to the plate and violently throws the plate onto the floor]''
:'''Gordon''': Oi, bozo! Are you fucking stupid?!
:'''J''': No, chef, I'm not. (interview) J feels like a jackass because of that freaking lettuce. I should have seen it, it's a disgrace. It really is.
:'''Gordon''': Did you see that?
:'''J''': I did not, Chef. If I saw it, I would never put it in there.
:'''Giovanni''': (interview) Pretty hard to believe that butt of lettuce went out there. It's pretty hard to miss that big lettuce when you try to toss it in a small salad.
:'''Gordon''': Un-fucking-believable.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Gordon checks on lamb brought up by Ben Walanka]''
:'''Gordon''': Come here! All of you, come here! Put it down! (to Ben) Put it fucking down! What is that?
:'''Ben Walanka''': Lamb chop, sir.
:'''Gordon''': Lamb chop, yeah? Eat it. (gives the lamb to Ben and he eats it) Happy now? Now it's getting thinner and thinner and thinner. Look, there's another one that's ripped to fuck there now. Too thin, cowboy! 
:'''Robert''': (interview) I'm like. &quot;Oh, why are sending that out?&quot; It looked like a piece of carppacio on a bone, man.
:'''Gordon''': (to Ben) How can someone so fucking fat slice something so fucking thin?!
:'''Ben Walanka''': Sorry, chef. It won't happen again, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I wouldn't even serve that to my fucking dog!
:'''Ben Walanka''': I'll fix it right now, chef.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
;''[Colleen brings her wellingtons to the pass]''
:'''Gordon''': Hey, stay here you. Three Wellingtons, you brought me four. One medium, one medium-well, one well done. Where's the medium one? 
:'''Colleen''': The medium one's here, Chef. 
:'''Gordon''': Where's the medium-well? 
:'''Colleen''': The medium-well's here, Chef. 
:'''Gordon''': Where's the well done one, then? 
:'''Colleen''': It's right here, Chef. 
:'''Gordon''': So what the fuck is this one?
:'''Colleen''': I don't know. 
:'''Gordon''': You don't know. That's funny, isn't it? A little &quot;Ha-ha,&quot; &quot;Tee-hee,&quot; and &quot;God Bless Nebraska?&quot; 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon:''' On order, four covers, table three. One scallops, one spaghetti, one risotto, one caesar...
:'''Seth:''' (to Giovanni) Bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon!
:'''Gordon''': Entrées: One Dory, one chicken, one lamb, one wellington.
:'''Giovanni''': It's coming.
:'''Seth:''' Right here.
:'''Gordon:''' Seth! SETH!
:'''Seth''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Come here! What did I just call out?
:'''Seth:''' ''[wiping his face with a cloth]'' I... I don't know, chef.
:'''Gordon:''' Yeah, I know you don't know because you weren't even fucking prepared to listen. No wonder you're struggling.
:''[Seth uses the same cloth he just wiped his face with to clean a pan, then wipes his face with it again]''
:'''Gordon:''' What is he doing? Hey you, hey you, come here... ''[takes the cloth from Seth, and looks at him in disgust]''
:'''Seth:''' Sorry, chef.
:'''Gordon:''' I just watched you wipe your face and then wipe the pan. If this one's for your fucking nose, where's your cooking cloth?
:'''Seth:''' Uh, I'll get one, chef.
:'''Gordon:''' ''[throws the cloth back to Seth]'' Fuck off will you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[after Jean-Philippe returned to the pass with more food, Gordon has had it]''
:'''Gordon''': (disappointed) What is going on? Oh no! Oh! ''[cuts to Coi accidentally dropped her spaghetti on her station]'' Fuck off - oh, no! Shit! Look at that! You, guy! (Robert) Come here, you fat fuck! Come here! All of you, come here! COME HERE! Hey, hey, look at me. You are pathetic. NO-ONE'S won! Fuck off, both teams, start thinking about two of you to fucking go home! (to Coi) You, pathetic! I don't want anymore! (to Ben) I don't want to wait for your shit anymore, (to Danny) I don't want your shit anymore, (to Seth) I don't want you drying your face, and then fucking cooking with a cloth, '''YOU SCUMMY FUCKER! GET OUT!!''' ''[all chefs exited the kitchen except Ben; he approaches him]'' GET OUT!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Something's really bugging me, you know that? And I can't stop thinking about it and here's why. If a customer goes out for dinner and their steak is overcooked or undercooked, it gets redone. And they move on and enjoy the evening. But if a customer goes out for dinner and they get served a butt of lettuce, that's how reputations get destroyed in minutes, ''[to J]'' butt-head! 

=== Episode Five [5.05] ===

''[Gordon asks for wellingtons in the Red kitchen]''
:'''Gordon''': Where's the wellington, please?
:'''Andrea''': Chef, I'm re-firing the wellington. The bottom's burning.
:'''Gordon''': ''[begins searching]'' Where's the medium-well wellington?
:'''Andrea''': I'm putting projector paper.
:'''Gordon''': ''[finds that Andrea has hid her burnt meat underneath her station]'' Oh, shut up you, yeah? Shut up. What is this? ''[starts getting the meat]''
:'''Andrea''': They burned. I'm not quite sure why.
:'''Gordon''': Watch. There you go, look. (to the members) Hey, come here! Oy, oy, oy! There you go. There you go. There--Oh, dear! ''[throws a burnt wellington against the refrigerator]'' Fucking pile of shit!!
:'''Andrea''': (interview) I'm screwed. I'm fucking screwed.
:'''Gordon''': Anything else you hid? What else did you hid?!
:'''Andrea''': No, chef. That's it, chef.
:'''Gordon''': That's it? Is it?! WHY'D YOU DO IT?!
:'''Andrea''': Trying to get it together, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I just don't-- I just don't understand it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Jean-Philippe returns to the pass with dessert]''
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Red, [Table] 53. Tanya Steel.
:'''Gordon''': Not done? (returns to the workstation) There you go. Now I've had enough. ''[slams the plate on the stove]'' Come here! There you go. (to Carol; gives her a piece of pear) Take a bite and pass it along. (to LA) LA, wake up, yeah?
:'''Coi''': It's hard as a fucking rock.
:'''Gordon''': Raw pastry, raw pear. That's her! ''[kicks a bin]''
:'''Andrea''': (interview) Chef Ramsay wasn't kidding when he said it was raw. It was raw. That's just, &quot;Sorry. Poor judgement.&quot;
:'''Gordon''': (to Colleen) You didn't know that's raw pastry with a raw pear?
:'''Colleen''': No, chef.
:'''Andrea''': (interview) Everybody else was just looking around like, &quot;You've got to be kidding me.&quot;
:'''Gordon''': Un-fucking-believable! ''[goes to the blue kitchen and sits in fetal position]''
:'''Narrator:''' Tonight, dinner service has totally collapsed.
:'''Gordon:''' Oh, Christ almighty! Two and a half hours of bullshit.
:'''Narrator''': And Chef Ramsay is at the end of his rope.
:'''Gordon''': (to Jean-Philippe; after returning to the pass with raw desserts) Oh fuck off! I'm... I've had enough! ''[goes to the red kitchen]'' Hey, when I say, I've had enough! I've had enough! Stoves off! ''[calls both teams]'' Come here! That was pathetic! And you were absolutely useless! CLEAR DOWN! I can't take it anymore! It's been the worst performance so far! '''SWITCH IT FUCKING OFF!!!''' ''[throws his spoon away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon:''' There was no place in the kitchen I could put Colleen where she wasn't a disaster. It's time for her to go back to where she belongs, teaching. Because she certainly can't cook.

=== Episode Six [5.06] ===

:'''Narrator''': As the Blue Team heads to the spa for a day of pampering... 
:'''J''': ''Off to the spa we go...'' 
:'''Narrator''': ...Back in the dining room, Max's mom lets J.P. know that he'll be working with someone to plan the party. 
:'''Brenda''': This gentleman is very recommended. 
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Yes. 
:'''Brenda''': So, um... 
:'''Francisco''': ''Bonjour'', darling! 
:'''Brenda''': Oh, here he is now. 
:'''Narrator''': ...Someone he knows all too well. 
:'''Francisco''': Oh, it's so good to see you! ''[hugs J.P.]'' I'm so happy to be here. Are you thrilled to see me? 
:'''Brenda''': Alright, well, see you tomorrow. 
:'''Francisco''': Thank you. 
:'''Jean-Philippe''': (to Francisco) Listen, you. You are not interfering with my job. 
:'''Francisco''': I respect your boundaries. 
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Alright, I'll do my thing, and then you do your little thing. 
:'''Francisco''': &quot;My little thing.&quot; Oh, it will be so happy.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Good. 
:'''Francisco''': Oh, here they [the Red Team] come. 
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Ladies, ladies, ladies, we've done a few parties in the past with Francisco. 
:'''Francisco''': I'm so excited to be here, this is so ''fabulous''! ''[the ladies laugh]'' Wait until you see what we're doing. We are going to go up, up, and away with beautiful balloons, all around. It's going to be so festive! 
:'''Coi''': (interview) Oh, Francisco's just fabulous, all the way around.
:'''Francisco''': We have twinkly centerpieces on all of the tables... 
:'''Andrea''': (laughing) Twinkly! 
:'''Coi''': (interview) It's the way he talks, it's the way he dresses, everything. He's fabulous. 
:'''Francisco''': We are going to make this the most beautiful ''sports arena''! 
:'''LA''': (interview) I'm gay, that dude is '''parade''' gay.

=== Episode Seven [5.07] ===

:'''Giovanni''': How long for the risotto and pasta?
:'''Paula''': Plating up the pasta right now.
:'''Andrea''': How's your risotto?
:'''Carol''': I'm going. I'm going.
:'''Gordon''': Where's the risotto?
:'''Carol''': Right here chef.
:'''Gordon''': Carol!
:'''Carol''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': ''[tastes the risotto then spits it out]'' Taste that rice, taste the rice. It's like mush! Show me the rice.
:'''Carol''': Right here.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, my God! It's overcooked! It's like mush! Who cooked the rice?
:''[flashback to when J cooked the rice for both teams, pouring two boxes into one pan]''
:'''Andrea''': The blue team.
:'''Gordon''': The blue team? What? ''[goes over to the blue kitchen]'' Oh, come here you, all of you! Who cooked this rice?
:'''J''': I did, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Look at it, J! How can you do that, J? ''[hurls the rice in the trash]'' ''J!'' For both teams?
:'''J''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Aw, fucking hell! Oh, come on! You can't do this!
:'''Lacey''': (interview) The risotto was mushy, clumpy and nasty, and it definitely was not a good way to start the evening.
:'''Gordon''': It's mush! Did you cook it all in the same pan?
:'''J''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, fuck me! Oh, come on, fuck off J!
:'''J''': I'll get a pot on, chef. (interview) That pissed off Chef Ramsay, and I really didn't need that, because he's been riding me hard the past couple of days.
:'''Gordon''': (to Jean-Philippe) Jean-Philippe, stop the risotto, yeah? (to J) J! I can't believe you just screwed the service in both kitchens!
:'''Robert''': (interview) J, you're my friend and I like you a lot, but today, you fucking suck, man.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Jean-Philippe returns to the pass with pasta]''
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Pasta undercooked, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Is it?
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Yeah, it's really undercooked, chef.
:'''Gordon''': (to Carol) Hey, you, madam. The pasta's raw! Who's running the appetisers?
:'''Carol''': I am, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Well, then run it, then! Does she [Andrea] wipe your arse?
:'''Carol''': No, chef. (interview) I get fucking yelled at because this stupid bitch can't fucking cook?! What the hell is up with that?! (to Ramsay) There's must be some mix-in because it's...
:'''Gordon''': What?! Why aren't you tasting?
:'''Carol''': I was tasting it chef.
:'''Gordon''': So you tasted it and you knew it's raw, yet you still sent it!
:'''Carol''': (interview) That stupid bitch doesn't fucking say anything when Chef Ramsay's yelling at me, '''FUCK THIS SHIT!'''
:'''Gordon''': Madam, come here you mouthy little bitch! You [Andrea] come here!
:'''Andrea''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': (to Jean-Philippe) Hey, give me that table out there! (to Carol and Andrea) And sit on that table and eat that! Both of you, fuck off out there! It's not undercooked, it's raw! RAW, Carol! ''[gets ticket from Jean-Philippe]''
:'''Andrea''': (to Carol) Let's eat it. Yeah, let's get this fucking over with.
:'''Gordon''': (to Carol and Andrea) Hey, you're not coming back to this clear until you let me know how it tastes!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Narrator''': While Carol and Andrea chew on their mistakes, in the blue kitchen, J is hoping to redeem himself.
:'''Gordon''': (with a piece of undercooked salmon) J! Come on, then! Look, it's still stone-cold. Back in the oven! Fucking hell...
:'''Ben''': J, I know you're busy, buddy, but how long on the salmon, my man?
:'''J''': Five minutes.
:'''Robert''': Give me the tuna!
:'''Ben''': He said four minutes out. Can you make it four?
:'''Gordon''': Everything you've touched tonight, so far, has been screwed.
:'''Robert''': (interview) J just lost his shit, man. He was just clamming up, didn't take control. He was burning the seafood, he was sending raw seafood.
:'''Gordon''': That's called burnt salmon, not seared salmon!
:'''Robert''': (interview) It takes a real good chef to recover. (to J) You can really turn this around if you want to.
:'''J''': I know.
:'''Robert''': Wipe your face, wipe your face. ''[J wipes his face with his sleeve]'' With a rag!
:'''Gordon''': J, where's the salmon?
:'''J''': Coming around. Right here, chef.
:'''Gordon''': ''[finds out that the salmon is overdone]'' Hey, bozo, SAUCE!! Come here, you. Put that down, come here, you. Come here, you! Get in there! GET IN!
''[leads J into the pantry and slams the door]''
:'''J''': Fuck!
:'''Gordon''': WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!
:'''J''': I'm here, chef.
:'''Gordon''': It's not good enough, J!
:'''J''': I know, chef. I got no fucking excuse.
:'''Gordon''': What's the matter with you?!
:'''J''': I don't know. I'll fucking turn it on right now, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I can't fucking go any further! Please, wake up!
:'''J''': Yes, chef!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon''': I've got sauce on one, and two Dory on. LA?
:''[LA is standing still and staring into space]''
:'''Paula''': (interview) It's almost like LA was half-asleep or something.
:'''Gordon''': Come on, LA!
:'''Gloria''': Come on! LA, wake up! Are you sleeping?!
:'''LA''': No, I'm...
:'''Gordon''': She's dreaming. Come on, ''(voice cracks)'' more sauce, you silly cow!
:'''LA''': (interview) He called me a cow. For the first time.
:'''Gordon''': Don't cook all the fucking Dory in one pan unless you're boiling them, yes?
:'''LA''': Yes, chef. (interview) In the real world, you wouldn't have someone yelling at you like that. You wouldn't have someone calling you a cow, a bitch. You wouldn't. 'Cos if someone in the real world called you a cow or a bitch, you would walk up to them and sock them in the head.
:'''Gordon''': How long for the beef, please?
:'''LA''': 30 seconds chef.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Narrator''': As LA tries to get up to speed, over in the blue kitchen...
:'''Gordon''': J! Where's the other scallop?
:'''J''': Right here, chef.
:''[J brings the scallops to the pass; they're badly overcooked]''
:'''Gordon''': Have you seen this shit?
:'''Scott''': Disastrous, isn't it?
:'''Gordon''': I have had enough. ''[calls the blue team]'' Come here, you! Leave it, PUT THAT DOWN! You, come here! You come here!
:'''Ben''': Yes, chef.
[the team members gather around the pass]
:'''Gordon''': What is that? What IS that? What is that? That's us at our best, WHAT IS IT?! Wait, it gets better! Look, touch that!
:'''Ben''': It's rubber, chef.
:Gordon: T-Oh, my GOD! Unbelievable-- ''[J goes to touch one of the scallops, and Ramsay knocks his hand away]'' No, no no no no! NO! GET OUT! '''OUT, OUT, OUT!''' GET OUT! '''OUT, GET OUT!''' Take your jacket off, and fuck off!!
:'''J''':  (interview) I guess I don't belong here, so... I'll be going home. I'm here for a reason, and it's my boy and my wife, so of course I'm disappointed. It was a tough day. (in the dorms) Oh...that's fucked up bro. (interview) My dream when I came to Hell's Kitchen was to win. So, uh, now it's time to move on and get my own restaurants going. You know, I don't need Chef Ramsay's opinion anymore, I've got it. ''[entering the taxicab]'' Tomorrow's another day! Let's do it. (interview) It's time for J Maxwell to do his own thing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Where are the Wellingtons?
:'''Ben Walanka''': Five and a half minutes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I'm watching you like a fucking hawk.
:'''Ben Walanka''': I know you are, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You know why? Do you know why?
:'''Ben Walanka''': I don't-I don't know, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I want you out. You're not cutting it. You're dreaming.
:'''Ben Walanka''': (interview) It hurts. It hurts when someone goes at you like that.
:'''Gordon''': Stop! Stop, stop, stop! Put that down. ''[finds that Ben has put fresh Wellingtons in a tray filled with burnt bits of pastry]'' Oh, my god! Look! Look!
:'''Danny''': (interview) Ben was struggling, just getting beat up by chef. Ben's just like J, in dinner service he just falls apart.
:'''Gordon''': Come here, you! Get in there, get in! ''[Gordon leads Ben into the pantry]'' What's your fucking game?
:'''Ben Walanka''': No game, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Tell me something straight. What are you doing?
:'''Ben Walanka''': Chef, I'm doing everything I can...
:'''Gordon''': Why are you putting them on a dirty tray?
:'''Ben Walanka''': Chef, only because I was doing Wellington on them before, and I could not find any more...
:'''Gordon''': And that's good enough for you?
:'''Ben Walanka''': No, it's not, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Is it fucked?
:'''Ben Walanka''': It's not. I don't want to do it in a...
:'''Gordon''': YOU DIRTY PIG!
:'''Ben Walanka''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': CLEAN THE FUCKING TRAY!!
:'''Ben Walanka''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': One more, and you're fucking history. GET IN!
:'''Ben Walanka''': (interview) Today, it took everything I had not to go up in my little coccoon. I just had to push forward.
:'''Gordon''': DIRTY PIG!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Robert''': (to Lacey) I swear to God if you win this I will hang up my coat and become a crack whore!

=== Episode Eight [5.08] ===

:''[Lacey's meat pan catches fire; Gordon approaches her station]''
:'''Gordon''': Leave it! Fucking hell, what is that?!
:'''Lacey''': Wha-I...
:'''Gordon''': What is that, I said! Look at it! It's on fire!
:'''Danny''': Is this your well-done?
:'''Lacey''': (tearfully) I don't know.
:'''Ben''': (interview) She was lost. ''[in mockery of Lacey]'' &quot;I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON HERE, HUHU!!&quot;
:'''Gordon''': What's the matter with you?!
:'''Lacey''': I CAN'T COOK MEAT, CHEF!
:'''Gordon''': What do you mean you can't cook meat?!
:'''Lacey''': Obviously I'm weak and confused...
:'''Gordon''': Hey madam, madam! Get out! GET OUT!!
:'''Robert''': (interview) Can't handle the heat, get out the kit-CHEN!!
:'''Gordon''': ''[follows Lacey to the pantry]'' &quot;I can't cook meat?!&quot;
:'''Lacey''': I–I'm sorry. I just got really confused.
:'''Gordon''': If you got confused, why didn't you say something?!
:'''Lacey''': I did and then Robert put the chicken and the chicken went on fire and...!
:'''Gordon''': Why can't you just make the effort?
:'''Lacey''': I'm trying to make an effort.
:'''Gordon''': Do you want to come back in there and make an effort?
:'''Lacey''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Well, wake up and get a grip!! Come on! ''[leads Lacey out of the pantry]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Robert:''' C'mon, guys! Let's fucking do it!
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, move!
:''[Robert bends over and a ripping sound is heard. As Ben and Lacey look on in shock, we see that Robert has split open the seat of his trousers. He carries on, unconcerned.]''
:'''Robert:''' Come on guys, keep pushing! (interview) All I heard was &quot;RRRRRIIIP!&quot;
:'''Scott:''' (to Gordon) Robert's ass is hanging out all over the place.
:'''Robert:''' (interview) &quot;Ooh, I feel a little breeze on the back of my ass!&quot; I'll cook in my boxer shorts, I don't give a shit.
:'''Gordon:''' Damn!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Gordon checks on meat brought up by Lacey; finds that the lamb was badly carved]''
:'''Gordon''': Oh, my God!
:'''Lacey''': Hmm... Fuck me!
:'''Gordon''': Come here, all of you! What is that? Fucking bone's thicker than the meat! WHAT IS THAT?!
:'''Lacey''': I DON'T KNOW CHEF!
:'''Gordon''': ''[throws the lamb in the bin]'' It's not good enough! GET OUT! YOU'RE not good enough!! Piss off!! ''[follows Lacey into the pantry]'' Madam, look at me. Let's be honest, you're done. You can't waste my time any longer!
:'''Lacey:''' I agree.
:'''Gordon:''' Give me your jacket, and leave Hell's Kitchen. And go in there, and say goodbye. Properly, say it properly! Let's go.
:'''Lacey:''' ''[to the blue team]'' Thank you for everything!
:''[Danny quickly waves to Lacey and then resumes cooking; Ben and Robert ignore her altogether]''
:'''Robert:''' (interview) There's a small violin, just for Lacey. ''[blows a raspberry]'' She sucks. Adios, biatch.
:'''Gordon:''' Piss off! Let's go! Step up a gear.
:'''Lacey:''' (interview) On one hand, it's a relief. I can get back to my normal life. ''[packing her suitcase]'' Now I can get some sleep at night. (interview) But you know, another part of me wishes to stay and learn more and have that chance to win but unfortunately I fucked up tonight and I can only look back on the positive things which there weren't many for me. You know, my mom told me when I came here, &quot;Don't make enemies.&quot; and that's the first thing I did and kept doing the whole time I was here. Sorry mom, I should've listened.

=== Episode Nine [5.09] ===

''[Gordon checks on sauce brought up by Ben]''
:'''Gordon''': Oh Ben!
:'''Ben''': Chef!?
:'''Gordon''': ''[returns the sauce to the workstation]'' Right, all three of you [Ben, Danny &amp; Robert] come here. Here we go. ''[with spoons]'' Taste time! Quick, quick, dig in there, yes? Dig in. Make sure you take a nice big mouthful. Big mouthful. Mmmmmm. ''[spits out the sauce as does Robert]''
:'''Robert''': (interview) I spit it right out, it was disgusting.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, salty soup! You're just reheating it!
:'''Ben''': Yes.
:'''Gordon''': So how can you fuck it?!
:'''Ben''': It was bland before I over reduced it, it's my fault, I should've tasted it chef.
:'''Gordon''': You're clumsy! You salted it!
:'''Ben''': Yes chef.
:'''Gordon''': You over seasoned it!
:'''Ben''': Yes I did, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You didn't over reduce it!
:'''Ben''': (interview) I'm a soldier, that's why I say yes chef.
 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': One beef salad. Entrées: one bass, one New York steak.
:''[a woman comes up to the hotplate to reorder food]''
:'''Lady''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Yes, madam?
:'''Lady''': Totally flat. No flavor on the carpaccio. This the second time I've had to reorder.
:'''Gordon''': Okay, thank you. (to the blue team) Hey, get the veal along please, yes? Let's go.
:'''Lady''': Chef! ''[whistles to Gordon]''
:'''Gordon''': (to the woman) Right! Don't whistle at me, I'm not your fucking dog, yeah? You look more like a dog than I do. Fuck off, will you?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
''[Gordon checks on potatoes brought up by Carol]'' 
:'''Gordon''': Oh dear. Excuse me! Oh, dear! Let's go, come down! Hurry up! Taste them. There, there you go, there's a nice big slice for you. Aw, fuck it!
:'''Carol''': Hard and raw chef.
:'''Gordon''': Fucking hell! ''[throws the potatoes away]'' Why are the potatoes crunchy? Who cooked them then?
:'''Carol''': I did chef. If they go in the oven when the order comes in, they should be fully cooked. (interview) I don't know why they didn't cook. I never cooked potatoes that long before I sliced that thin.
:'''Gordon''': (To Jean-Philippe) Hey, come in here you! Have I got news for you, yeah? Tell him then, tell him! HE'S GOING TO GO AND EXPLAIN TO THE CUSTOMER!!
:'''Jean-Philippe''': What's happening?
:'''Carol''': The potatoes are undercooked. If they go in when the order comes in, they should be fine.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': What's undercooked?
:'''Gordon''': Say that again?!
:'''Carol''': If she [Andrea] fires it when the order comes in, when it's ready to go -
:'''Gordon''': Au-gratin dauphinois need to be cooked before service!
:'''Carol''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Now you're blaming her.
:'''Carol''': I'm not blaming her chef.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, Andrea, she's trying to sabotage. She can't even tur -
:'''Carol''': I'm not.
:'''Gordon''': What?
:'''Carol''': I'm not sabotaging.
:'''Andrea''': (interview) I was embarrassed for Carol. She's pointing out other people's mistakes. Point me out! I dare you!
:'''Gordon''': Here's the next question, how long then til they cook?
:'''Carol''': Maybe ten minutes.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, look how cool she is! She said &quot;maybe ten minutes&quot;!
:'''Carol''': (interview) They should've been done. Why didn't they cook?
:'''Gordon''': (to the customers) Maybe ten minutes everybody, for your Au-gratin dauphinois!! (to Carol) Look at them, the poor souls! Are you stupid?!
:'''Carol''': No, chef. I'm not.
:'''Gordon''': Bullshit! ''[throws his towel away]''
:'''Andrea''': (interview) Those potatoes! I was embarrassed for Carol.
:'''Gordon''': Why didn't they cook to begin with?
:'''Carol''': Chef, yes, I cooked them in the cream for an hour.
:'''Gordon''': WHAT?!
:'''Carol''': Yes.
:'''Gordon''': You cooked them in the cream for an hour?
:'''Carol''': In boiling cream for an hour.
:'''Gordon''': Crunchy gratin dauphinois. Useless.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
''[Carol pours more cream over her potatoes]''
:'''Gordon''': What is that on there?
:'''Carol''': I just poured more cream on it and I'm going to put it back in.
:'''Gordon''': My God! Oh, Jesus Christ! ''[gets the potatoes dumps them in the bin]'' Are you mad?
:'''Carol''': No, chef.
:'''Andrea''': (interview) There were no saving those potatoes. None whatsoever. They just looked like shit. They looked like fucking shit! It was awful.
:'''Gordon''': I wouldn't even serve that to a fucking pig farm, madam. Forget it. ''[throws the tray into the sink]'' You don't care do you? Because if you did care, you wouldn't serve me that crap! This is supposed to be your exciting menu! Really?
:'''Carol''': (interview) I feel completely awful. This is such a great dish and I fucking ruined it!

=== Episode Ten [5.10] ===

:'''Gordon''': On order, six covers table 20. Entrées: Two wellington, two chicken, one lamb, one Dory. Wellington's medium, yes?
:'''Final 6''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': (to Andrea) Right Andrea, what's going? ''[gets no answer]'' No answer. I'm not in the best of moods, ah? I don't like being ignored in my own fucking kitchen. What's going?
:'''Andrea''': I have no idea, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, my God almighty.
:'''Robert''': (interview) On garnish, you've got to be thirty seconds before everybody else. If she's not checking the tickets for us, we're screwed.
:'''Gordon''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, she's running the section, yet she has no idea of what's going. (to Giovanni) Tell her, chef.
:'''Giovanni''': Two wellingtons one medium, one medium-rare and lamb medium? I'm sorry, lamb medium-rare. Two lamb medium-rare.
:'''Gordon''': Oh my God.
:'''Robert and Ben Walanka''': Two chicken.
:'''Paula''': Two chicken and a Dory.
:'''Giovanni''': Two wellington, Two chicken and a lamb.
:'''Gordon''': Two wellington, two chicken, one lamb, one fucking Dory.
:'''Final 6''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': One wellington's medium, the rest is fucking nor-MAL. 
:'''Final 6''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Unlike us! (to Andrea) What's going, madam?
:'''Andrea''': I have no idea, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You have no idea. 
:'''Andrea''': I have no idea, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, come here you. Hey... fuck off! Hey madam, (points to the front entrance) through the door there! FUCK OFF!
:''[Andrea walks out of the door while the camera crew follows her]''
:'''Andrea''': Get that fucking camera out of my face.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Andrea, relax. The only thing he wants from you is to come back. You need to fight back. If you don't, you're finished.
:'''Andrea''': (interview) This is the hardest... most difficult, most up-and-down thing that I've ever, ''ever'' done in my entire life! ''[to Jean-Philippe]'' It's just been out of fucking control tonight. There's no communication with anybody, and I just haven't recovered. 
:'''Jean-Philippe''': You want to stay?
:'''Andrea''': Yes, I want to fucking stay! I've been through too much hell right now to fucking leave!
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Absolutely. So keep it to Gordon.
:'''Andrea''': (interview) It's just a reminder of how difficult it's been and how much...how much I just want this so bad.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': So now you need to be strong. Go back in there, and give it your best shot. Go on, then!
:'''Andrea''': (interview) I put everything I have into this every day, and I just had to go in there and fight for the rest of it.
:'''Gordon''': ''[to Andrea]'' Right, what's going?
:'''Andrea''': Two chicken, two lamb, one wellington, one Dory.
:'''Gordon''': Thank you. Back in the kitchen! NOW WAKE UP, ANDREA!
:'''Andrea''': Yes, chef!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Dory, salmon, lamb, wellington!
:'''Robert''': Two minutes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': ''[notices Robert putting the bacon into the John Dory]'' Robert, just come here!
:'''Robert''': Oh, shit!
:'''Gordon''': Why have you put the bacon inside the Dory?
:'''Robert''': To crisp it up, chef, real quickly.
:'''Gordon''': What's the bacon with?
:'''Robert''': For the scallops.
:'''Gordon''': So why have you put it with the Dory? Suppose he's allergic to bacon! You can send somebody to the hospital on the back of that!
:'''Robert''': Oh, you're right.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, come on! ''[kicks a bin]'' &quot;You're right&quot;? Course, I'm fucking right! Get the bacon out!
:'''Robert''': (interview) Yeah, I fucked up and you know what? I know in my heart, I got it. I'm a bull.
:'''Gordon''': Come on, Mr Bacon Man!
:'''Narrator''': While Robert tries again on the John Dory, Chef Ramsay is counting on Giovanni on the meat station to get out the first entrée of the night.
:''[Gordon checks on chicken special at the pass]''
:'''Gordon''': (with a chewed up piece of chicken) What is that?
:'''Scott''': Giovanni's best.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, Ben.
:'''Ben Walanka''': Chef?
:'''Gordon''': Is that a chewed up bit of chicken from the dog? Here. ''[gives the chicken to Ben]'' That's your special. Yeah, have a word with him, yeah? He's given up. Take all the garnish back, do whatever you wish with it. Your special has now become not very special thanks to dickface (Giovanni) there. Hurry up, Giovanni!
:'''Giovanni''': Yeah, but I'm not dickface, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, say that again?!
:'''Giovanni''': I said I'm not dickface, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, you're pissed, are you? Not as fucking- Look at me, '''LOOK AT ME IN THE EYES!!!''' '''NOT AS PISSED AS I AM!!! YOU FUCKIN' ARE!!! DONKEY!!!'''
:'''Giovanni''': No.
:'''Ben''': (interview) Whooo! Boy, oh boy!
:'''Gordon''': Cause right now, I don't '''GIVE A FUCK!''' '''DICKFACE!'''
:'''Giovanni''': (interview) I'm an emotional person, but he can get in my face all he wants, he will not break me.
:'''Gordon''': You're sending shit, and you're trying to get away with it! Now I'm ''ready'' for an argument! SENDING ME THAT, YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED!!
:'''Robert''': (interview) You know, he just ''wants'' you to pop off.
:'''Gordon''': And you want to get all sensitive! You want to get all fucking negative! 
:'''Giovanni''': No, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Look at me, look at me, you send me shit like that, take your jacket and '''FUCK OFF'''!
:'''Giovanni''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': I'm not sending that shit, '''SHIT!'''
:'''Giovanni''': No, chef. Sorry, chef. (interview) I wasn't angry at him, I was angry at myself. It was just, I was boiling inside and... and he said something to me.
:'''Gordon''': That's the well done one. And look at me, I think you're too fucked to get upset with me, you don't give a fuck what I call you. This is not personal, this is professional! That personal was a piece of shit, now pull it '''BACK!!!'''
:'''Giovanni''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': '''DICKFACE!'''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Giovanni, Robert! Hey Andrea, come here you! ''[gathers them at the corner]'' All three of you are pathetic! You (Giovanni) don't care...
:'''Giovanni''': I care, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You're (Robert) way behind, and you (Andrea) haven't got a fucking clue! Can we work together as a team?!
:'''Giovanni, Robert and Andrea''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Two wellington. One well-done! '''Get it ON!!!'''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Danny''': (interview) One station failed...
:'''Scott''': ''[Andrea's one pan catches fire]'' Pan's on fire! Pan's on fire!
:'''Danny''': ...and another station failed. It's no joke.
:'''Gordon''': We're going up in flames. ''[pick Andrea's pan]''
:'''Paula''': (interview) First night with the Black team, one big cluster fuck.
:'''Gordon''': Same shit, different day! (throws the pan into the sink)
:'''Scott''': ''[Ben's pan also catches fire]'' What about the rest of the table? We need cover-up.
:'''Gordon''': Dynamic six, yeah. My fucking ass. Fuck off the lot of you! ''[walks out of the kitchen and throws his towel away]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': ''[calls the five chefs back in the kitchen after Giovanni's elimination.]'' I just spent the last hour upstairs in my office thinking. It just doesn't make sense! How can the final six be so shit? I called you all down here because on the back of that performance, I'm now going to do something I have never ever done before. I'm shutting down Hell's Kitchen.

=== Episode Eleven [5.11] ===

:'''Narrator''': After a couple of days without any word on how Robert is doing, Chef Ramsay calls the chefs down for a meeting.
:'''Gordon''': So you're feeling fresh, very relaxed. Did you enjoy the whole atmosphere at the Borgata Resort?
:'''Danny''': Very much so.
:'''Ben''': Incredible, Chef.
:'''Gordon''': Sadly, you came back minus one individual. Clearly, you're all deeply concerned. I'm not going to tell you how he's doing, I'm going to let him tell you himself. Chef Robert.
:''[Robert appears and everyone applauds and smile]''
:'''Gordon''': Okay, big boy. Let me just say how pleased I am to see you.
:'''Robert''': Thank you.
:'''Gordon''': How are you feeling?
:'''Robert''': Not good.
:'''Gordon''': Ah?
:'''Robert''': Not good.
:''[Ben stops smiling.]''
:'''Gordon''': What did the medics say?
:'''Robert''': I have [[w:Pericarditis|pericarditis]], which is the swelling of the sac around the heart which leads to heart disease.
:''[Gordon shakes his head in dismay, Andrea and Paula fight back tears.]''
:'''Gordon''': Oh dear. Are you coming back?
:'''Robert''': No.
:'''Gordon''': No?
:''[Danny's face drops]''
:'''Robert''': I'm not coming back.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Ben has been struggling on the garnish station]''
:'''Gordon''': What's going, Ben? (gets no response) Oh, my God almighty! Oh, come on. Three Dory, two salmon, one chicken. (sees what Ben is doing) Why is he putting the lettuce there like that? He's trying to sauté it.
:'''Scott''': I don't know, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Look at the mess of this guy.
:'''Scott''': He throwing everything in a pot.
:'''Ben Walanka''': (interview) I was just absolutely... just mind-boggled.
:'''Gordon''': ''[picks up a pan and a piece of lettuce]'' You've got a pan here like that and you're throwing lettuce on top like that... ''you're shit.'' You are so shit, you don't realise what you're doing!
:'''Danny''': (interview) Oh, man Ben! Like, come on. You know better than that.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, come here a minute. Why are you doing this? You're just adding the lettuce to the tomato and cucumber, you're not sautéing the lettuce?
:'''Ben''': Chef, I was in a side pan s-sautéing the tomatoes and the cucumbers, chef. But I did it wrong, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, you're fuckin' up, you're cutting corners, and you're slipping big time! Do you know what? Do you know your biggest problem that'll always be the downfall of your career? You're full of fuckin' shit! 'cause every time you get fuckin' something wrong, you give a bullshit fuckin' excuse, but right now, I'm fed up with your bullshit excuses!
:'''Ben''': (interview) There's really nothing that I can do to please Chef Ramsay, and I'm slowly but surely being able to accept that.
:'''Gordon''': '''FUCK OFF!!'''
:'''Ben''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You're too dangerous to have on service. I asked you what you're doing, you said you're sautéeing tomatoes, ARE YOU '''FUNK! YOU DIRTY PIG! GET OUT!! GET OUT!!''' Un-fucking-believable!
:''[Ben walks into the pantry and bangs his head on the door]''
:'''Ben''': (interview) What the fuck is going on?! I–I'm very upset right now, but I don't give up. I'm a good cook, I know how to cook. You know, I feel like I need to really try and pull it together. ''[goes in the bathroom to wash his face]'' Okay, we're back. (interview) I certainly ain't leaving here without a fight. I'll tell you that.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Ben returns to the kitchen after a quick break]''
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, right. Hey, you! Come here you! What's going through your mind now? You still going to fucking butcher me and slice me and serve shit to them?
:'''Ben Walanka''': No, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Where's your fight, man?!
:'''Ben''': It's here, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Where is it?!
:'''Ben''': I got it, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Then wake up, you doughnut!
:'''Ben''': '''YES, CHEF!'''
[[Category:Hell's Kitchen seasons]]</text>
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:'''Seasons:'''  [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 1|1]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 2|2]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 3|3]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 4|4]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 5|5]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 6|6]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 7|7]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 8|8]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 9|9]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 10|10]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 11|11]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 12|12]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 13|13]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 14|14]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 15|15]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 16|16]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 17|17]] | '''[[Hell's Kitchen|Main]]'''
----
&lt;br&gt;
'''''[[w:Hell's Kitchen (U.S.)|Hell's Kitchen]]''''' is an American cooking reality show based on [[w:Hell's Kitchen (UK)|the British program of the same title]], where Chef [[w:Gordon Ramsay|Gordon Ramsay]] puts aspiring chefs through different challenges and dinner services to decide who is the best.

=== Episode One [5.01] ===

:'''Gordon''': And the name of the dish is what?
:'''Danny''': Mahi Gone Bananas, chef.
:'''Gordon''': ''[tastes the dish]'' It looks like ''you've'' gone slightly bananas. It's hideous. Back in line. 
:'''Danny''': (interview) Ramsay's definitely just looking for a rise out of me, which he's going to eventually get.
:'''Gordon''': So the idea came from where?
:'''Danny''': I just pulled it out of my ass, sir.
:'''Gordon''': Put it back in there because it sucks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Who's cooked the diapers?
:'''Colleen''': No diapers, sir. That's chicken enchiladas with poblano cream sauce. My name's Colleen.
:'''Gordon''': Corinne.
:'''Colleen''': Colleen.
:'''Gordon''': Corinne.
:'''Colleen''': COL-leen.
:'''Gordon''': What do you do for a living?
:'''Colleen''': I am a culinary instructor and I own a recreational cooking school.
:'''Gordon''': And were you a trained chef before you set up a school?
:'''Colleen''': No, I am not a trained chef.
:'''Gordon''': So you're not a trained chef, yet you teach chefs to cook.
:'''Colleen''': That's correct.
:'''Gordon''': How much do you charge?
:'''Colleen''': 300 per three to four hours.
:'''Gordon''': Right. Look at the size of it.
:'''Colleen''': I feed big Nebraska boys. Would you like me to get you a bite?
:'''Gordon''': No, I'll bite it myself. ''[tries dish, spits it out]''
:'''Colleen''': Okay.
:'''Gordon''': You seriously charge $300 to teach people how to make that crap?
:'''Colleen''': Y–Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I feel like I need some plastic wrap on my arse.
:'''Colleen''': (interview) It was extremely difficult to just stand there and to keep my mouth shut! (to Gordon) I teach manners, too, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Say that again?
:'''Narrator''': Cooking instructor Colleen not only offered Chef Ramsay a dish he didn't care for, but an etiquette lesson as well.
:'''Gordon''': Okay, please, Miss Manners, fuck off back in line.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': It looks like lamb chops on a bed of ratatouille.
:'''Seth''': Uh, that's mine, chef. (interview) To be like Chef Ramsay is my dream. I've read his books, I've visited his restaurant in Manhattan. I think we have very similar styles.
:'''Gordon''': How long have you been cooking?
:'''Seth''': Fifteen years around.
:'''Gordon''': And what is it?
:'''Seth''': Cinnamon crusted rack of lamb with a(n) aubergine ratatouille.
:'''Gordon''': The ratatouille, what's in there?
:'''Seth''': Tomatoes, onion, tomato sauce, tomato paste.
:'''Gordon''': ''[spits out food]'' How come the aubergine's so sweet?
:'''Seth''': There's some honey, uh...
:'''Gordon''': Honey in a ratatouille? Uh, is that normal?
:'''Crowd''': No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': That's the worst dish I've ever tasted. ''[Seth laughs]'' Fifteen years to cook that shit and you're laughing. You could make history on being the fastest exit in Hell's Kitchen. And I'm fucking serious, you know that. Back in line. ''[Seth goes back in line]'' The quicker you understand how serious I am, the quicker you'll cook better.
:'''Seth''': I'll try harder next time, sir. (interview) I thought it looked all right. I think my presentation was good. I know it's a good dish. I got to prove to him that I can cook my ass off.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Lacey and Coi are arguing during prep. Gordon approaches Coi]''
:'''Gordon''': What's the matter?
:'''Coi''': This station is fucked... up.
:'''Lacey''': Come on, Coi.
:'''Coi''': (to Lacey) Don't say a fucking thing. (to Gordon) I come over here, there's nothing fucking done, chef. Nothing!
:'''Lacey''': (to Coi) Now why don't you tell him that you're threatening me.
:'''Gordon''': (to Coi and Lacey) Oh, wait. Right. I'm just about to open the doors, okay? Don't panic. I'm not asking you to be lovebirds, okay?
:'''Coi''': Absolutely.
:'''Gordon''': Calm down, get a grip and show me some form of composure, yes?
:'''Coi''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, my God!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': On order six covers, table 20. Two spaghetti, two scallops, one risotto, one Caesar. Entrées, three wellington, get them in!
:'''Robert''': ''[shouting over Gordon]'' Ben you guys, get going!
:'''Ben''': I'm coming! I'm coming!
:'''Gordon''': Hey you. Hey fuck-wit, Come here you. Come here! I'm calling out an order and you just shout over.
:'''Robert''': Sorry, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You fucking call out the order then. You fuck, FUCKING call out the order!
:'''Robert''': I need one Caesar, two scallops, one risotto and two spaghetti now! (interview) Yeah, give me the reins man! Let me drive this bitch!
:'''Gordon''': You fucking interrupt me again next time, you're going for an early bath.
:'''Robert''': Yes.
:'''Gordon''': A big one in the hot tub!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Gordon checks on scallops brought up by Danny]''
:'''Gordon''': Danny? Come here, that's you. Overcooked scallops, let's go. It's not exactly rocket science.
:'''Danny''': Well obviously, chef. ''[angrily slams his pan; [Gordon gives him a dirty look]''
:'''Gordon''': (to Danny) Hey you, come here you.
:'''Danny''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Okay, can you cook like a team member?
:'''Danny''': I'll wash their station and my station, chef.
:'''Gordon''': How about communicating with them?
:'''Danny''': I did, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Don't fucking dare start getting fucking pissed with me. Is that clear?
:'''Danny''': Chef, yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Good. NOW JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!!
:''[power supply shuts down]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Gordon looks for spaghetti in the Red kitchen]''
:'''Gordon''': Where's the other spaghetti? ''[notices Colleen starting a fresh spaghetti in a dirty pan]'' Madam, come here. ''[gets Colleen's pan]'' You're starting a fresh one in dirty pan!
:'''Colleen''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Oh!
:'''Colleen''': (interview) The pan that I've already used and I didn't have the chance to wipe it. I felt like an idiot.
:'''Gordon''': You teach people how to cook! ''[slams the pan down on her station]''
:'''Colleen''': We have no more pans, chef.
:'''Gordon''': ''[gets some pans from Andrea's station]'' Look! Pan, pan, pan!
:'''Colleen''': Thank you, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You're going to start a fresh spaghetti in a dirty pan! Holy crap!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': Seth is hoping to score high marks with his first entrée.
:'''Gordon''': Why's it all fucking mangled?
:'''Scott''': He didn't have it ready, and then he sliced it and seared all the chops.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, Forrest! Come here you.
:'''Seth''': (interview) Ramsay, he keeps calling me &quot;Forrest&quot; as in [[w:Forrest Gump|Forrest Gump]]. I think it's a great name!
:'''Gordon''': You didn't cook it properly temperature wise, so you decided to buckle it and bastardise it. Now you're really having a laugh, yeah?
:'''Ben''': (interview) Man, this poor lamb chop just got charred. No excuse for that first lamb.
:'''Gordon''': Would you get excited to come here and eat that shit?
:'''Seth''': Absolutely not.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, fuck off, will you?
:'''Seth''': (interview) Listen, I screwed up the lamb, but at the end of the service, Gordon and I will be like peas and carrots once again!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': It's two and a half hours into the dinner service, and while Colleen has finally mastered the spaghetti, she still has a lot to learn about risotto.
:'''Gordon''': Look! ''[returns to workstation and tastes the risotto]'' Hey!
:'''Colleen''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Taste!
:'''Colleen''': Yes, chef.
:''[Gordon spits out the risotto in disgust]''
:'''Gordon''': That's the risotto! That, quite frankly, is the worst risotto I've ever tasted in my entire cooking career. Why's it so sweet? Who put sugar in there?
:'''Colleen''': ''[holds up a pot of sugar]'' I grabbed this. I thought it was salt.
:'''LA''': (interview) Are you fucking kidding me?
:'''Gordon''': That... ''[throws the risotto in the trash]'' is shit! Oh, my God!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Mashed potatoes?
:'''Wil''': ''[brings his garnishes to the pass]'' Fuck!
:'''Gordon''': What are you doing, Wil?
:'''Wil''': Sorry, chef. I don't know if this is very hot. (to his team mates) You got a cold sizzle?
:'''Gordon''': Dear, oh dear! Wil!
:'''Wil''': Yes, chef?
:'''Gordon''': You're shit!
:'''Wil''': Yes, chef. I am.
:'''Gordon''': You are so shit, it's unbelievable!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Are you on the garnish now, Robert?
:'''Robert''': I just want to help him out [Wil], chef.
:'''Gordon''': Charlie's on the garnish, Robert's on the garnish, yeah? And Wil is on planet cuckoo.
:'''Charlie''': (interview) Wil got thrown to the dogs on the garnish station. By the time I got around to help him, it was ugly.
:'''Gordon''': Wil, there's not one cook in the kitchen that hasn't been with you on the garnish tonight!
:'''Wil''': (interview) Being on the receiving end of Chef Ramsay's wrath...yeah, that sorta sucked. 
:'''Gordon''': Dear, oh dear, oh dear.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Garnish, please! (to Wil) What in the fuck are you two doing?
:'''Carol''': ''[interview; sees the customers leaving the kitchen]'' Oh no! When the customers got up and starting to walk out, I'm shocked.
:'''Gordon''': Let's go, 22!
:'''Waiter''': 22 just left.
:'''Gordon''': Twenty-two. 22 just left.
:'''Giovanni''': My table got up and left.
:'''Gordon''': ''[to Robert; tosses the plates to him]'' Hey! Hey, you! Hey, catch! THEY JUST LEFT! THEY JUST FUCKING LEFT!
:'''Giovanni''': The rest of tables got walked out.
:'''Lady''': Alright. Out of Hell's Kitchen.
:'''Gordon''': Switch it off! NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!! ''[goes to the red kitchen]'' Come here, all of you! ''[calls the blue team]'' Come here, all of you! Yeah, take a look at there! Pathetic, absolute embarrassment, utter crap! Clear down! CLEAR DOWN!!

=== Episode Two [5.02] ===

:'''Gordon''': The scallops are cooked, aren't they?
:'''Colleen''': Yes.
:'''Gordon''': Why are they still in the pan if they're cooked? They're going to be overcooked, you stupid cow! Oh, my God! Who cooked the scallops last service? Who was that?
:'''Lacey''': I did, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Come here, you! Come here! Show her how to cook a fucking scallop. Hey, by the way, she's not charging $300. Hey, this is free now. Free lesson! Stand back!
:'''Carol''': (interview) Colleen runs a cooking school, but she has no experience on the line and it clearly shows.
:'''Gordon''': (to Lacey) Teach madam [Colleen] here how to cook a fucking scallop!
:'''Lacey''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Shit!! Unbelievable!
:'''Lacey''': (interview) I almost felt honored in a weird way. (to Colleen) It's okay. It's alright.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': (to Ji) Is your ankle hurting?
:'''Ji''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, so's my fuckin' head. It's throbbin'.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Lacey brings Colleen's scallops to the pass]''
:'''Gordon''': Thank you, Lacey.
:'''Lacey''': You're welcome, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Colleen!! Do you see a difference? Pink in the middle, coloured both sides, yes?
:'''Colleen''': Yes, I do, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, did she charge you?
:'''Colleen''': (brief pause) No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, thank fuck for that. Let's go. God bless Nebraska.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Narrator''': Seth and Charlie have delivered their lobster spaghetti to the pass.
:''[Gordon checks the spaghetti; finds out that there's no lobster in it]''
:'''Gordon''': There's no fucking lobster in there.
:'''Scott''': Doesn't look like it, no.
:'''Narrator''': But, it's missing one key ingredient.
:'''Gordon''': ''[returns to the workstation and pushes a pan aside]'' Hey, fuck-wit! Come here you! Come here!
:'''Charlie''': What's this?
:'''Gordon''': There's no fucking lobster in it!
:'''Charlie''': Shit!!
:'''Gordon''': How can you give it to me with no lobster in there?!
:'''Charlie''': We're stupid, chef. Apologies.
:'''Gordon''': Wake up, Charlie!!
:'''Charlie''': Yes, chef! Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': And you [Seth], docile fucking idiot! What's the dish called?
:'''Seth''': Uhm... Uhm...
:'''Gordon''': Spaghetti of lobster!!
:'''Seth''': (interview) I feel like I just got hit by a train!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Gordon checks on salmon brought up by Colleen]''
:'''Gordon:''' Oh, my God! ''[returns to the workstation]'' Come here you. Hey, Coi, come here! Carol, Lacey, come here! (to Colleen) Away now, two Wellington, yes, one salmon and one John Dory. Where's the John Dory?
:'''Colleen:''' (brief pause) I don't have the John Dory.
:'''Gordon:''' You don't have it. Hey, look, come here. Hey, there you go, look at that. ''[holds up the salmon]'' Look, look, hold on, hey, don't run away. '''IT'S BLACK!''' On top of that, there's an added bonus. It's fucking raw in the middle.
:'''Colleen:''' Yes, chef.
:''[Gordon angrily throws the salmon away and kicks the bin]''
:'''Gordon:''' Fucking useless, fucking shit. You're not a cookery school teacher, are you? You're joking, aren't you?
:'''Colleen:''' No, I'm not joking, chef. I am a--
:'''Gordon:''' Tell me, tell me you're pomping yourself up to make yourself look good. You don't really have a cooking school?
:'''Colleen:''' No, chef, I own a cooking school. I have a business just like you do.
:'''Gordon:''' Your fucking business is not like my business. Hey, madam, let's get that fucking right.
:'''Colleen:''' You're right.
:'''Gordon:''' You're robbing people! You're a thief!! I'm concerned for the poor bastards that you've taken money off of!! ''[sees another piece of salmon burning]'' Hey, madam, lift that lid off, it looks black.
:'''Colleen:''' It IS black!
:'''Gordon''': Oh, 'GOD!!!'
:'''Colleen''': Both of them!
:'''Gordon:''' '''SHIT!''' [Gordon and Coi look physically shocked] '''SHIT! IT'S BLACK!'''
:'''Colleen:''' Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon:''' OH, MY GOD!!
:'''Carol:''' These are burning.
:'''Colleen:''' I know.
:'''Gordon:''' Hey, madam, madam! '''GET OUT!!''' Get on the raw bar. Lacey! LACEY! Get on the fish!
:'''Lacey:''' Yes, chef!
:'''Colleen:''' (interview) Chef Ramsay's definitely not going to break me. He can ask me to leave, he can kick me out of the kitchen, he can do all those things, but he's not going to break me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Gordon checks on salmon brought up by Giovanni]''
:'''Gordon''': Giovanni! ''[returns to the workstation]''
:'''Giovanni''': Yes, chef?
:'''Gordon''': Hey, all of you come here! ''[points to Danny]'' He's cooking his ass off, surrounded by five muppets, yeah? The temperature's perfect, and I get that bit of shit there, look. I got given that! Would you eat that? ''[throws the salmon to Seth]'' Go on, eat it, eat it. (to Seth) Would you eat that?
:'''Seth''': No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': (to Giovanni) Would you eat that?
:'''Giovanni''': No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': ''[comes up to Giovanni]'' Hey, you can be pissed off. You got every fucking right to be pissed off. You know that, yes?
:'''Giovanni''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Fucking '''RAW'''!!
:'''Giovanni''': (interview) I've never had a chef come that close to me in my life. He can yell at me from across the kitchen, he doesn't have to get 2 inches away from my face.

=== Episode Three [5.03] ===
''[during the meat labelling challenge, with both teams both having five correct labels so far]''
:'''Seth''': (interview) Meat is one of my fortes. I definitely had six, seven out of eight without even looking.
:'''Ben''': Ring the bell, ring the bell. Go for it!
:''[Seth lightly taps the bell]''
:'''Gordon''': I can't hear that!
:'''Ben''': Ring the fucking bell!
:''[Seth hits the bell harder]''
:'''Gordon''': Seven wrong for blue, let's go.
:'''Charlie''': Holy shit! We're working backwards!
:'''J''': (interview) SETH, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!
:'''Narrator''': Seth's poor performance has set the men back. Now Lacey has a golden opportunity to redeem herself with her team.
:'''Carol''': Come on, Lacey!
:'''Lacey''': (interview) It's my chance to show my team that I can step up, and that I deserve to be here.
:'''Colleen''': Come on! We can do this!
:'''LA''': Move it, Lacey!
:'''Andrea''': (interview) Lacey was just moving things around for the feeling that she was doing something, and you know what, that's no different to how she is in the kitchen.
:''[Robert rings the men's bell]''
:'''Gordon''': Six wrong.
:'''Narrator''': Robert has only improved on Seth by one.
:'''Carol''': (to Lacey) Come on, let's go! Come on, come on, come on, come on!
:''[Lacey rings the bell]''
:'''Gordon''': Okay... (sees that Lacey has placed the &quot;bottom round&quot; label near one of the model cow's front legs) BOTTOM ROUND?! WHAT DOES &quot;BOTTOM&quot; MEAN? One, two, three, four, five, six wrong! Dear oh dear!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Why aren't the shrimp on? Get them on! Come on, Charlie.
:'''Charlie''': Sorry, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Unbelievable. A Caesar salad and we're in the shit! ''[spots that Charlie's cooking cloth has caught fire]'' Your cloth's on fire! YOUR CLOTH'S ON FIRE!
:'''J''': (interview) Charlie, wake the fuck up, man.
:'''Gordon''': Get it in the water please, Scott, before he burns the place down.
:'''Charlie''': I'm doing my best, chef.
:'''Scott''': (throws the cloth in the sink) If that's your best, you might want to rethink your best a little bit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Narrator''': It's thirty minutes into dinner service, and Ben is trying to impress Chef Ramsay with his speed. 
:'''Ben''': ''[bringing some chocolate brownie desserts to the pass]'' Coming down with desserts. Coming down with desserts... 
:'''Narrator''': Unfortunately, having dessert ready before the appetizers is not exactly what Chef Ramsay had in mind. 
:'''Gordon''':  Dick-head, put them down. ''[calls entire team]'' Hey, all of you, come here. Ben's now bringing me a chocolate fucking brownie. ''[tosses one dessert on the counter]'' WHAT'S GOING ON?! 
:'''Seth''': (interview) I didn't know what was going on, but he brought up dessert four minutes in. I mean, I've done some stupid shit, but that's embarrassing. 
:'''Gordon''': So, let's do it this way, then. There you go. ''[puts the desserts on the pass]'' Ben wants to serve a chocolate brownie before we serve the appetisers. 
:'''Ben''': No, chef. 
:'''Gordon''': What are you ''dreaming'' on?! Are you ''stupid''?! 
:'''Ben''': No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You've got cheesecake made as well! 
:'''Ben''': Yes, chef. 
:'''Gordon''': We've trashed six desserts before we've sent out fucking appetisers! 
:'''Ben''': It was my fault, chef. (interview) It was my mistake for not exactly knowing Chef Ramsay's terminologies, but fuck me if the words &quot;pick&quot; and &quot;up&quot; don't mean &quot;give you the desserts!&quot; 
:'''Gordon''': Have you been drinking or sniffing? 
:'''Ben''': No, chef. No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Look at me: Go upstairs for a lie-down. 
:'''Ben''': No, no, chef! 
:'''Gordon''': Go upstairs for a lie-down! ''[leads Ben out of the kitchen, then walks away]'' Useless. Absolutely useless. ''[a couple of seconds pass, then Ben quickly returns into the kitchen]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Lacey returns a Caesar salad to the pass]''
:'''Gordon''': What's the matter?
:'''Lacey''': She just didn't know if there were anchovies on it.
:'''Gordon''': You got what you asked for.
:'''Lacey''': I know, chef.
:'''Gordon''': So what did you fuck up? I know you find this is, yeah I know you laugh and it's funny.
:'''Lacey''': I'm not laughing! I'm trying not to cry.
:'''Gordon''': You're fucking worse than [[:w:Britney Spears|Britney Spears]], you jumped-up bitch!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[Carol returns to the pass with filet mignon]''
:'''Carol''': They say they want to brighten it up a little bit, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Giovanni, Robert come here! Robert, bounce your way down here. Let's go. ''[portions the beef]'' (pounds the counter) Touch it! Touch it!
:'''Giovanni and Robert''': It's cold.
:'''Gordon''': '''FUCKING SHIT!!''' ''[throws the beef away]'' It's still walking, that fucking piece of beef!
:'''Danny''': (interview) It pisses me off. We have the executive chef of a steakhouse running our grill. Wake up, get it together and put out some decent food.
:'''Gordon''': Giovanni!
:'''Giovanni''': Yes, chef?
:'''Gordon''': Thank fuck I've never been to your steakhouse! It's fucking blue!
:'''Giovanni''': Yes, chef!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Narrator''': With just 30 minutes left, Jean Phillippe is looking for Lacey.
:'''Jean Phillippe''': Table 23. The Table you forgot.
:'''Lacey''': I have to go up there and tell them to fire it?
:'''Jean Phillippe''': Who el...Who else is going to do it?
:'''Lacey''': Jean Phillipe I never waited table before!!!
:'''Jean Phillippe''': (Gobbles) Can you just go and ask the chef to fire It (Trying to do Lacey Voice), (Gobbles)
:'''Lacey''': I need the main course for 23 fired. Thanks Chef.
:'''Gordon''': Hey Madam (Lacey), We just taking the order in now??? Why did it take so long???
:'''Jean Phillippe''': She forgot the Table.
:'''Gordon''': (Shakes Head and angrily swats Lacey away)
:'''Lacey''': Yeah, &quot;Fuck off with me!&quot; I know.
:'''Gordon''': (To the Blue Team) Lacey forgot the ORDER!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[after Seth's attempt at butchering the filet mignon, Ramsay has discovered a huge amount of wasted meat]''
:'''Gordon''': Hey, all of you, here! Quickly! There's the filet, yes? Look at the fucking waste! ''[empties the waste onto the counter; the amount of waste is nearly as big as the remaining filet. Seth looks confused, while the other team members look horrified]'' That's what he took off, and there's the filet. LOOK AT THE FILET!
:'''Giovanni''': (interview) He molested that poor thing! People have gone to jail for worse, but it looked like he went at it with a jackhammer.
:'''Gordon''': ''[hurls the offcuts to Seth]'' We've fucking WASTED the most expensive part! LOOK AT IT! What are you going to do, get daddy to buy you a new one?
:'''Narrator''': With only fifteen minutes of dinner service left, Seth has butchered the filet. And possibly the Blue Team's hope of winning dinner service.
:'''Gordon''': How can you do that?
:'''Seth''': I never butchered a filet before chef.
:'''Gordon''': Congratulations, you just have.
:'''Seth''': ''[smiles]'' Thanks, yes... 
:'''Gordon''': Hey, hey smartass - not in the right way, you fucking bozo!
:'''Seth''': (interview) I don't think I did that bad, butchering that filet, but now I'll know for next time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[two minutes remain of the Blue team's half of the service]''
:'''Gordon''': Where's the New York strip?!
:'''Giovanni''': Chef, I'm four minutes away!
:'''Gordon''': Oh, my God. SWITCH IT OFF!! We're now over two hours, he (Giovanni) fucks the filet! (to Charlie) The shrimps go down! (to Ben Walanka) This dick sent me dessert before the appetisers! ''[throws his apron]'' Fuck off! (to Jean-Philippe) Jean-Philippe, shut it down, yes? Two hours over. Clear down!!!
:'''Robert''': (interview; tonight was originally planned to have been his wedding) I've embarrassed myself, my family, my girlfriend. ''[throws his buff off angrily]''
:''[Customers are leaving Hell's Kitchen]''
:'''Ben Walanka''': Here we go. Here comes the pain.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Where's the four Caesar salad, two shrimp?
:'''Colleen''': Coming chef. These were two, one and one.
:'''Gordon''': Where's the fucking four I asked for?
:'''Coi''': Four Caesar salad, two shrimp!
:'''Gordon''': (to Colleen) Hey!
:'''Colleen''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You're doing this on purpose.
:'''Colleen''': No I'm not, I swear. You said two. One and one.
:'''Gordon''': Look at me! Look at me! Four fucking salads.
:'''Colleen''': (interview) There's always the person in your life that's being grumpy and you know not being nice. Then there is one that Chef Ramsay whose the arrogant vicious attack dog.  
:'''Gordon''': (to Colleen) Hey, Madam, you're fucking pathetic!
:'''Colleen''': Yes, chef.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Four salad, three shrimp, one plain! (Colleen) Oh no, come here! What's going?
:'''Colleen''': Four Caesar salad, three shrimp, one plain!
:'''Gordon''': One more!
:'''Colleen''': Four Caesar salad chef, three shrimp, one plain!
:'''Gordon''': One more!
:'''Colleen''': Four Caesar salad chef, three shrimp, one plain!
:'''Gordon''': And last time!
:'''Colleen''': Four Caesar salad chef, three...
:'''Gordon''': (visibly shocked) Oh, m - OHH, GOD!
:'''Colleen''': ... SHRIMP, ONE PLAIN!
:'''Gordon''': Oh you fucking - hoo, shit! She's not normal... she can not be normal...
:'''Lacey''': (interview) My God! Colleen, if we lose tonight and I go home, I swear to God, I hope you can't sleep at night because you deserve to go home more than I.

=== Episode Four [5.04] ===
:'''Colleen''': How could we lose with cheerleaders on our side? Yeah! V, V-I, V-C-I-T-O-R-Y! (a caption reading &quot;Vcitory???&quot; appears)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[The Blue Team have lost the challenge and Ben believes that Danny was responsible for it even though it fell on Seth]''
:'''Ben''': Imma tell you one thing. I don't like fucking losing and Danny, I was over there helping you then I jumped over to eggs.
:'''Danny''': You should've been on eggs the whole time.
:'''Ben''': You were the one drowning on the pancakes buddy, that is correct.
:'''Danny''': Look you gave me a hand walking up pancakes and thank you for that.
:'''Ben''': Wait a minute Danny, ''[J laughs]'' come on man are you serious right now?
:'''Danny''': What? You-you helped me plate some pancakes and I appreciate it, thank you, I-I'm not a-
:'''Ben''': It's cool.
:'''Danny''': I'm not a hero here, I never said I was.
:'''J''': You said that earlier, you said you were the best cook.
''[Flashbacks to Gordon asking who the Blue Team's best cook is with Danny calling himself the Blue Team's best cook]''
:'''Danny''': I am obviously the best cook on the team.
:'''Ben''': You want to hear something dude, I will put circles around you! I will circle you like a fucking moon!
:'''Danny''': Where have you been?
:'''Giovanni''': Hey, hey come on! Danny, come on! Hey, Ben!
:'''Ben''': ''[over Giovanni]'' Are you joking me? You couldn't cook my cock!
''[The women walk past as Danny and Ben's argument starts escalating]''
:'''Giovanni''': Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
:'''Ben''': Are you joking me? I AM SO FUCKING-
:'''Danny''': Where have you been!? 
:'''Giovanni''': ''[stands between Danny and Ben]'' Be quiet! Quiet! Quiet!
:'''Ben''': We'll see you on garnish.
:'''Danny''': Shut the fuck up.
:'''Ben''': I mean- you know what, I need two minutes, I need two minutes bro.
:'''Danny''': Take your two minutes Bro because I haven't seen you kitchen yet.
:'''Giovanni''': HEY! 
:'''Danny''': Where have you been!?
:'''Ben''': ''[heads down to the patio]'' (interview) Danny's ego is getting the better of him and he needs to come back down on this planet.
:'''Danny''': YOU'VE GOTTEN A COMPLIMENT YET BEN!!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon''': On order: Four covers, Table 4. Two risotto, one spaghetti, one Caesar. 
:'''Blue Team''': Yes, Chef! 
:'''Danny''': (to Giovanni) Is it [the water] boiling? 
:'''Gordon''': How long? 
:'''Giovanni''': I'm waiting for the water to boil, Chef. 
:'''Gordon''': You expect me to tell Jean-Philippe we're waiting for your water to boil?! 
:'''Giovanni''': Oh, I'm sorry. 
:'''Ben''': (interview) Oh, man, Gio. How do you expect to cook pasta in water that's not boiling? 
:'''Gordon''': Hey, look at me! There's no olive oil in there, the water's not seasoned, it's not even ''boiling''! 
:'''Giovanni''': (interview) Oh, that was my fault. I didn't check my equipment. It won't happen again, that's for sure. 
:'''Gordon''': Let's go, Giovanni, let's go! Oh, my God...
:'''Narrator''': While Giovanni is in hot water, over in the Red kitchen, Coi is trying to get ahead.
:''[Gordon notices Coi cooking pasta]''
:'''Gordon''': (to Coi) Why are you cooking spaghetti? We haven't even fired it! DAMN!!
:'''Coi''': Fuck!
:'''Gordon''': Why?!
:'''Coi''': I'm sorry, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I can't believe this!! Why can't you just drop it to order?!
:'''Coi''': I will, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Tell me why you can't!!
:'''Coi''': I'm just trying to get ahead, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You can't get ahead! You're not that good!
:'''Coi''': (interview) I was trying to take so many steps ahead, so I'm kicking myself in the ass so, if I would have listened better, he wouldn't be screaming at me.
:'''Gordon''': Coi? Put some more spaghetti in to make yourself...
:'''Coi''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, I'm joking you stupid cow!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Jean-Philippe returns to the pass with Caesar salad]''
:'''Gordon''': What's going on on there?
:'''Jean-Philippe''': That's from, uhm, table 20 blue.
:''[Gordon checks the salad, then finds a butt of lettuce in it]''
:'''Gordon''': Hey, ALL OF YOU! COME HERE! Who dressed the Caesar salad?
:'''J''': I did chef. ''[Gordon shows the butt of lettuce to the members]'' (whispering) Jesus Christ!
:''[Gordon returns the butt of lettuce to the plate and violently throws the plate onto the floor]''
:'''Gordon''': Oi, bozo! Are you fucking stupid?!
:'''J''': No, chef, I'm not. (interview) J feels like a jackass because of that freaking lettuce. I should have seen it, it's a disgrace. It really is.
:'''Gordon''': Did you see that?
:'''J''': I did not, Chef. If I saw it, I would never put it in there.
:'''Giovanni''': (interview) Pretty hard to believe that butt of lettuce went out there. It's pretty hard to miss that big lettuce when you try to toss it in a small salad.
:'''Gordon''': Un-fucking-believable.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Gordon checks on lamb brought up by Ben Walanka]''
:'''Gordon''': Come here! All of you, come here! Put it down! (to Ben) Put it fucking down! What is that?
:'''Ben Walanka''': Lamb chop, sir.
:'''Gordon''': Lamb chop, yeah? Eat it. (gives the lamb to Ben and he eats it) Happy now? Now it's getting thinner and thinner and thinner. Look, there's another one that's ripped to fuck there now. Too thin, cowboy! 
:'''Robert''': (interview) I'm like. &quot;Oh, why are sending that out?&quot; It looked like a piece of carppacio on a bone, man.
:'''Gordon''': (to Ben) How can someone so fucking fat slice something so fucking thin?!
:'''Ben Walanka''': Sorry, chef. It won't happen again, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I wouldn't even serve that to my fucking dog!
:'''Ben Walanka''': I'll fix it right now, chef.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
;''[Colleen brings her wellingtons to the pass]''
:'''Gordon''': Hey, stay here you. Three Wellingtons, you brought me four. One medium, one medium-well, one well done. Where's the medium one? 
:'''Colleen''': The medium one's here, Chef. 
:'''Gordon''': Where's the medium-well? 
:'''Colleen''': The medium-well's here, Chef. 
:'''Gordon''': Where's the well done one, then? 
:'''Colleen''': It's right here, Chef. 
:'''Gordon''': So what the fuck is this one?
:'''Colleen''': I don't know. 
:'''Gordon''': You don't know. That's funny, isn't it? A little &quot;Ha-ha,&quot; &quot;Tee-hee,&quot; and &quot;God Bless Nebraska?&quot; 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon:''' On order, four covers, table three. One scallops, one spaghetti, one risotto, one caesar...
:'''Seth:''' (to Giovanni) Bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon!
:'''Gordon''': Entrées: One Dory, one chicken, one lamb, one wellington.
:'''Giovanni''': It's coming.
:'''Seth:''' Right here.
:'''Gordon:''' Seth! SETH!
:'''Seth''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Come here! What did I just call out?
:'''Seth:''' ''[wiping his face with a cloth]'' I... I don't know, chef.
:'''Gordon:''' Yeah, I know you don't know because you weren't even fucking prepared to listen. No wonder you're struggling.
:''[Seth uses the same cloth he just wiped his face with to clean a pan, then wipes his face with it again]''
:'''Gordon:''' What is he doing? Hey you, hey you, come here... ''[takes the cloth from Seth, and looks at him in disgust]''
:'''Seth:''' Sorry, chef.
:'''Gordon:''' I just watched you wipe your face and then wipe the pan. If this one's for your fucking nose, where's your cooking cloth?
:'''Seth:''' Uh, I'll get one, chef.
:'''Gordon:''' ''[throws the cloth back to Seth]'' Fuck off will you?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[after Jean-Philippe returned to the pass with more food, Gordon has had it]''
:'''Gordon''': (disappointed) What is going on? Oh no! Oh! ''[cuts to Coi accidentally dropped her spaghetti on her station]'' Fuck off - oh, no! Shit! Look at that! You, guy! (Robert) Come here, you fat fuck! Come here! All of you, come here! COME HERE! Hey, hey, look at me. You are pathetic. NO-ONE'S won! Fuck off, both teams, start thinking about two of you to fucking go home! (to Coi) You, pathetic! I don't want anymore! (to Ben) I don't want to wait for your shit anymore, (to Danny) I don't want your shit anymore, (to Seth) I don't want you drying your face, and then fucking cooking with a cloth, '''YOU SCUMMY FUCKER! GET OUT!!''' ''[all chefs exited the kitchen except Ben; he approaches him]'' GET OUT!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Something's really bugging me, you know that? And I can't stop thinking about it and here's why. If a customer goes out for dinner and their steak is overcooked or undercooked, it gets redone. And they move on and enjoy the evening. But if a customer goes out for dinner and they get served a butt of lettuce, that's how reputations get destroyed in minutes, ''[to J]'' butt-head! 

=== Episode Five [5.05] ===

''[Gordon asks for wellingtons in the Red kitchen]''
:'''Gordon''': Where's the wellington, please?
:'''Andrea''': Chef, I'm re-firing the wellington. The bottom's burning.
:'''Gordon''': ''[begins searching]'' Where's the medium-well wellington?
:'''Andrea''': I'm putting projector paper.
:'''Gordon''': ''[finds that Andrea has hid her burnt meat underneath her station]'' Oh, shut up you, yeah? Shut up. What is this? ''[starts getting the meat]''
:'''Andrea''': They burned. I'm not quite sure why.
:'''Gordon''': Watch. There you go, look. (to the members) Hey, come here! Oy, oy, oy! There you go. There you go. There--Oh, dear! ''[throws a burnt wellington against the refrigerator]'' Fucking pile of shit!!
:'''Andrea''': (interview) I'm screwed. I'm fucking screwed.
:'''Gordon''': Anything else you hid? What else did you hid?!
:'''Andrea''': No, chef. That's it, chef.
:'''Gordon''': That's it? Is it?! WHY'D YOU DO IT?!
:'''Andrea''': Trying to get it together, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I just don't-- I just don't understand it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Jean-Philippe returns to the pass with dessert]''
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Red, [Table] 53. Tanya Steel.
:'''Gordon''': Not done? (returns to the workstation) There you go. Now I've had enough. ''[slams the plate on the stove]'' Come here! There you go. (to Carol; gives her a piece of pear) Take a bite and pass it along. (to LA) LA, wake up, yeah?
:'''Coi''': It's hard as a fucking rock.
:'''Gordon''': Raw pastry, raw pear. That's her! ''[kicks a bin]''
:'''Andrea''': (interview) Chef Ramsay wasn't kidding when he said it was raw. It was raw. That's just, &quot;Sorry. Poor judgement.&quot;
:'''Gordon''': (to Colleen) You didn't know that's raw pastry with a raw pear?
:'''Colleen''': No, chef.
:'''Andrea''': (interview) Everybody else was just looking around like, &quot;You've got to be kidding me.&quot;
:'''Gordon''': Un-fucking-believable! ''[goes to the blue kitchen and sits in fetal position]''
:'''Narrator:''' Tonight, dinner service has totally collapsed.
:'''Gordon:''' Oh, Christ almighty! Two and a half hours of bullshit.
:'''Narrator''': And Chef Ramsay is at the end of his rope.
:'''Gordon''': (to Jean-Philippe; after returning to the pass with raw desserts) Oh fuck off! I'm... I've had enough! ''[goes to the red kitchen]'' Hey, when I say, I've had enough! I've had enough! Stoves off! ''[calls both teams]'' Come here! That was pathetic! And you were absolutely useless! CLEAR DOWN! I can't take it anymore! It's been the worst performance so far! '''SWITCH IT FUCKING OFF!!!''' ''[throws his spoon away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon:''' There was no place in the kitchen I could put Colleen where she wasn't a disaster. It's time for her to go back to where she belongs, teaching. Because she certainly can't cook.

=== Episode Six [5.06] ===

:'''Narrator''': As the Blue Team heads to the spa for a day of pampering... 
:'''J''': ''Off to the spa we go...'' 
:'''Narrator''': ...Back in the dining room, Max's mom lets J.P. know that he'll be working with someone to plan the party. 
:'''Brenda''': This gentleman is very recommended. 
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Yes. 
:'''Brenda''': So, um... 
:'''Francisco''': ''Bonjour'', darling! 
:'''Brenda''': Oh, here he is now. 
:'''Narrator''': ...Someone he knows all too well. 
:'''Francisco''': Oh, it's so good to see you! ''[hugs J.P.]'' I'm so happy to be here. Are you thrilled to see me? 
:'''Brenda''': Alright, well, see you tomorrow. 
:'''Francisco''': Thank you. 
:'''Jean-Philippe''': (to Francisco) Listen, you. You are not interfering with my job. 
:'''Francisco''': I respect your boundaries. 
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Alright, I'll do my thing, and then you do your little thing. 
:'''Francisco''': &quot;My little thing.&quot; Oh, it will be so happy.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Good. 
:'''Francisco''': Oh, here they [the Red Team] come. 
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Ladies, ladies, ladies, we've done a few parties in the past with Francisco. 
:'''Francisco''': I'm so excited to be here, this is so ''fabulous''! ''[the ladies laugh]'' Wait until you see what we're doing. We are going to go up, up, and away with beautiful balloons, all around. It's going to be so festive! 
:'''Coi''': (interview) Oh, Francisco's just fabulous, all the way around.
:'''Francisco''': We have twinkly centerpieces on all of the tables... 
:'''Andrea''': (laughing) Twinkly! 
:'''Coi''': (interview) It's the way he talks, it's the way he dresses, everything. He's fabulous. 
:'''Francisco''': We are going to make this the most beautiful ''sports arena''! 
:'''LA''': (interview) I'm gay, that dude is '''parade''' gay.

=== Episode Seven [5.07] ===

:'''Giovanni''': How long for the risotto and pasta?
:'''Paula''': Plating up the pasta right now.
:'''Andrea''': How's your risotto?
:'''Carol''': I'm going. I'm going.
:'''Gordon''': Where's the risotto?
:'''Carol''': Right here chef.
:'''Gordon''': Carol!
:'''Carol''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': ''[tastes the risotto then spits it out]'' Taste that rice, taste the rice. It's like mush! Show me the rice.
:'''Carol''': Right here.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, my God! It's overcooked! It's like mush! Who cooked the rice?
:''[flashback to when J cooked the rice for both teams, pouring two boxes into one pan]''
:'''Andrea''': The blue team.
:'''Gordon''': The blue team? What? ''[goes over to the blue kitchen]'' Oh, come here you, all of you! Who cooked this rice?
:'''J''': I did, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Look at it, J! How can you do that, J? ''[hurls the rice in the trash]'' ''J!'' For both teams?
:'''J''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Aw, fucking hell! Oh, come on! You can't do this!
:'''Lacey''': (interview) The risotto was mushy, clumpy and nasty, and it definitely was not a good way to start the evening.
:'''Gordon''': It's mush! Did you cook it all in the same pan?
:'''J''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, fuck me! Oh, come on, fuck off J!
:'''J''': I'll get a pot on, chef. (interview) That pissed off Chef Ramsay, and I really didn't need that, because he's been riding me hard the past couple of days.
:'''Gordon''': (to Jean-Philippe) Jean-Philippe, stop the risotto, yeah? (to J) J! I can't believe you just screwed the service in both kitchens!
:'''Robert''': (interview) J, you're my friend and I like you a lot, but today, you fucking suck, man.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Jean-Philippe returns to the pass with pasta]''
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Pasta undercooked, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Is it?
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Yeah, it's really undercooked, chef.
:'''Gordon''': (to Carol) Hey, you, madam. The pasta's raw! Who's running the appetisers?
:'''Carol''': I am, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Well, then run it, then! Does she [Andrea] wipe your arse?
:'''Carol''': No, chef. (interview) I get fucking yelled at because this stupid bitch can't fucking cook?! What the hell is up with that?! (to Ramsay) There's must be some mix-in because it's...
:'''Gordon''': What?! Why aren't you tasting?
:'''Carol''': I was tasting it chef.
:'''Gordon''': So you tasted it and you knew it's raw, yet you still sent it!
:'''Carol''': (interview) That stupid bitch doesn't fucking say anything when Chef Ramsay's yelling at me, '''FUCK THIS SHIT!'''
:'''Gordon''': Madam, come here you mouthy little bitch! You [Andrea] come here!
:'''Andrea''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': (to Jean-Philippe) Hey, give me that table out there! (to Carol and Andrea) And sit on that table and eat that! Both of you, fuck off out there! It's not undercooked, it's raw! RAW, Carol! ''[gets ticket from Jean-Philippe]''
:'''Andrea''': (to Carol) Let's eat it. Yeah, let's get this fucking over with.
:'''Gordon''': (to Carol and Andrea) Hey, you're not coming back to this clear until you let me know how it tastes!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Narrator''': While Carol and Andrea chew on their mistakes, in the blue kitchen, J is hoping to redeem himself.
:'''Gordon''': (with a piece of undercooked salmon) J! Come on, then! Look, it's still stone-cold. Back in the oven! Fucking hell...
:'''Ben''': J, I know you're busy, buddy, but how long on the salmon, my man?
:'''J''': Five minutes.
:'''Robert''': Give me the tuna!
:'''Ben''': He said four minutes out. Can you make it four?
:'''Gordon''': Everything you've touched tonight, so far, has been screwed.
:'''Robert''': (interview) J just lost his shit, man. He was just clamming up, didn't take control. He was burning the seafood, he was sending raw seafood.
:'''Gordon''': That's called burnt salmon, not seared salmon!
:'''Robert''': (interview) It takes a real good chef to recover. (to J) You can really turn this around if you want to.
:'''J''': I know.
:'''Robert''': Wipe your face, wipe your face. ''[J wipes his face with his sleeve]'' With a rag!
:'''Gordon''': J, where's the salmon?
:'''J''': Coming around. Right here, chef.
:'''Gordon''': ''[finds out that the salmon is overdone]'' Hey, bozo, SAUCE!! Come here, you. Put that down, come here, you. Come here, you! Get in there! GET IN!
''[leads J into the pantry and slams the door]''
:'''J''': Fuck!
:'''Gordon''': WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!
:'''J''': I'm here, chef.
:'''Gordon''': It's not good enough, J!
:'''J''': I know, chef. I got no fucking excuse.
:'''Gordon''': What's the matter with you?!
:'''J''': I don't know. I'll fucking turn it on right now, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I can't fucking go any further! Please, wake up!
:'''J''': Yes, chef!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon''': I've got sauce on one, and two Dory on. LA?
:''[LA is standing still and staring into space]''
:'''Paula''': (interview) It's almost like LA was half-asleep or something.
:'''Gordon''': Come on, LA!
:'''Gloria''': Come on! LA, wake up! Are you sleeping?!
:'''LA''': No, I'm...
:'''Gordon''': She's dreaming. Come on, ''(voice cracks)'' more sauce, you silly cow!
:'''LA''': (interview) He called me a cow. For the first time.
:'''Gordon''': Don't cook all the fucking Dory in one pan unless you're boiling them, yes?
:'''LA''': Yes, chef. (interview) In the real world, you wouldn't have someone yelling at you like that. You wouldn't have someone calling you a cow, a bitch. You wouldn't. 'Cos if someone in the real world called you a cow or a bitch, you would walk up to them and sock them in the head.
:'''Gordon''': How long for the beef, please?
:'''LA''': 30 seconds chef.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Narrator''': As LA tries to get up to speed, over in the blue kitchen...
:'''Gordon''': J! Where's the other scallop?
:'''J''': Right here, chef.
:''[J brings the scallops to the pass; they're badly overcooked]''
:'''Gordon''': Have you seen this shit?
:'''Scott''': Disastrous, isn't it?
:'''Gordon''': I have had enough. ''[calls the blue team]'' Come here, you! Leave it, PUT THAT DOWN! You, come here! You come here!
:'''Ben''': Yes, chef.
[the team members gather around the pass]
:'''Gordon''': What is that? What IS that? What is that? That's us at our best, WHAT IS IT?! Wait, it gets better! Look, touch that!
:'''Ben''': It's rubber, chef.
:Gordon: T-Oh, my GOD! Unbelievable-- ''[J goes to touch one of the scallops, and Ramsay knocks his hand away]'' No, no no no no! NO! GET OUT! '''OUT, OUT, OUT!''' GET OUT! '''OUT, GET OUT!''' Take your jacket off, and fuck off!!
:'''J''':  (interview) I guess I don't belong here, so... I'll be going home. I'm here for a reason, and it's my boy and my wife, so of course I'm disappointed. It was a tough day. (in the dorms) Oh...that's fucked up bro. (interview) My dream when I came to Hell's Kitchen was to win. So, uh, now it's time to move on and get my own restaurants going. You know, I don't need Chef Ramsay's opinion anymore, I've got it. ''[entering the taxicab]'' Tomorrow's another day! Let's do it. (interview) It's time for J Maxwell to do his own thing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Where are the Wellingtons?
:'''Ben Walanka''': Five and a half minutes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I'm watching you like a fucking hawk.
:'''Ben Walanka''': I know you are, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You know why? Do you know why?
:'''Ben Walanka''': I don't-I don't know, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I want you out. You're not cutting it. You're dreaming.
:'''Ben Walanka''': (interview) It hurts. It hurts when someone goes at you like that.
:'''Gordon''': Stop! Stop, stop, stop! Put that down. ''[finds that Ben has put fresh Wellingtons in a tray filled with burnt bits of pastry]'' Oh, my god! Look! Look!
:'''Danny''': (interview) Ben was struggling, just getting beat up by chef. Ben's just like J, in dinner service he just falls apart.
:'''Gordon''': Come here, you! Get in there, get in! ''[Gordon leads Ben into the pantry]'' What's your fucking game?
:'''Ben Walanka''': No game, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Tell me something straight. What are you doing?
:'''Ben Walanka''': Chef, I'm doing everything I can...
:'''Gordon''': Why are you putting them on a dirty tray?
:'''Ben Walanka''': Chef, only because I was doing Wellington on them before, and I could not find any more...
:'''Gordon''': And that's good enough for you?
:'''Ben Walanka''': No, it's not, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Is it fucked?
:'''Ben Walanka''': It's not. I don't want to do it in a...
:'''Gordon''': YOU DIRTY PIG!
:'''Ben Walanka''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': CLEAN THE FUCKING TRAY!!
:'''Ben Walanka''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': One more, and you're fucking history. GET IN!
:'''Ben Walanka''': (interview) Today, it took everything I had not to go up in my little coccoon. I just had to push forward.
:'''Gordon''': DIRTY PIG!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Robert''': (to Lacey) I swear to God if you win this I will hang up my coat and become a crack whore!

=== Episode Eight [5.08] ===

:''[Lacey's meat pan catches fire; Gordon approaches her station]''
:'''Gordon''': Leave it! Fucking hell, what is that?!
:'''Lacey''': Wha-I...
:'''Gordon''': What is that, I said! Look at it! It's on fire!
:'''Danny''': Is this your well-done?
:'''Lacey''': (tearfully) I don't know.
:'''Ben''': (interview) She was lost. ''[in mockery of Lacey]'' &quot;I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON HERE, HUHU!!&quot;
:'''Gordon''': What's the matter with you?!
:'''Lacey''': I CAN'T COOK MEAT, CHEF!
:'''Gordon''': What do you mean you can't cook meat?!
:'''Lacey''': Obviously I'm weak and confused...
:'''Gordon''': Hey madam, madam! Get out! GET OUT!!
:'''Robert''': (interview) Can't handle the heat, get out the kit-CHEN!!
:'''Gordon''': ''[follows Lacey to the pantry]'' &quot;I can't cook meat?!&quot;
:'''Lacey''': I–I'm sorry. I just got really confused.
:'''Gordon''': If you got confused, why didn't you say something?!
:'''Lacey''': I did and then Robert put the chicken and the chicken went on fire and...!
:'''Gordon''': Why can't you just make the effort?
:'''Lacey''': I'm trying to make an effort.
:'''Gordon''': Do you want to come back in there and make an effort?
:'''Lacey''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Well, wake up and get a grip!! Come on! ''[leads Lacey out of the pantry]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Robert:''' C'mon, guys! Let's fucking do it!
:'''Ben:''' Yeah, move!
:''[Robert bends over and a ripping sound is heard. As Ben and Lacey look on in shock, we see that Robert has split open the seat of his trousers. He carries on, unconcerned.]''
:'''Robert:''' Come on guys, keep pushing! (interview) All I heard was &quot;RRRRRIIIP!&quot;
:'''Scott:''' (to Gordon) Robert's ass is hanging out all over the place.
:'''Robert:''' (interview) &quot;Ooh, I feel a little breeze on the back of my ass!&quot; I'll cook in my boxer shorts, I don't give a shit.
:'''Gordon:''' Damn!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Gordon checks on meat brought up by Lacey; finds that the lamb was badly carved]''
:'''Gordon''': Oh, my God!
:'''Lacey''': Hmm... Fuck me!
:'''Gordon''': Come here, all of you! What is that? Fucking bone's thicker than the meat! WHAT IS THAT?!
:'''Lacey''': I DON'T KNOW CHEF!
:'''Gordon''': ''[throws the lamb in the bin]'' It's not good enough! GET OUT! YOU'RE not good enough!! Piss off!! ''[follows Lacey into the pantry]'' Madam, look at me. Let's be honest, you're done. You can't waste my time any longer!
:'''Lacey:''' I agree.
:'''Gordon:''' Give me your jacket, and leave Hell's Kitchen. And go in there, and say goodbye. Properly, say it properly! Let's go.
:'''Lacey:''' ''[to the blue team]'' Thank you for everything!
:''[Danny quickly waves to Lacey and then resumes cooking; Ben and Robert ignore her altogether]''
:'''Robert:''' (interview) There's a small violin, just for Lacey. ''[blows a raspberry]'' She sucks. Adios, biatch.
:'''Gordon:''' Piss off! Let's go! Step up a gear.
:'''Lacey:''' (interview) On one hand, it's a relief. I can get back to my normal life. ''[packing her suitcase]'' Now I can get some sleep at night. (interview) But you know, another part of me wishes to stay and learn more and have that chance to win but unfortunately I fucked up tonight and I can only look back on the positive things which there weren't many for me. You know, my mom told me when I came here, &quot;Don't make enemies.&quot; and that's the first thing I did and kept doing the whole time I was here. Sorry mom, I should've listened.

=== Episode Nine [5.09] ===

''[Gordon checks on sauce brought up by Ben]''
:'''Gordon''': Oh Ben!
:'''Ben''': Chef!?
:'''Gordon''': ''[returns the sauce to the workstation]'' Right, all three of you [Ben, Danny &amp; Robert] come here. Here we go. ''[with spoons]'' Taste time! Quick, quick, dig in there, yes? Dig in. Make sure you take a nice big mouthful. Big mouthful. Mmmmmm. ''[spits out the sauce as does Robert]''
:'''Robert''': (interview) I spit it right out, it was disgusting.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, salty soup! You're just reheating it!
:'''Ben''': Yes.
:'''Gordon''': So how can you fuck it?!
:'''Ben''': It was bland before I over reduced it, it's my fault, I should've tasted it chef.
:'''Gordon''': You're clumsy! You salted it!
:'''Ben''': Yes chef.
:'''Gordon''': You over seasoned it!
:'''Ben''': Yes I did, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You didn't over reduce it!
:'''Ben''': (interview) I'm a soldier, that's why I say yes chef.
 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': One beef salad. Entrées: one bass, one New York steak.
:''[a woman comes up to the hotplate to reorder food]''
:'''Lady''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Yes, madam?
:'''Lady''': Totally flat. No flavor on the carpaccio. This the second time I've had to reorder.
:'''Gordon''': Okay, thank you. (to the blue team) Hey, get the veal along please, yes? Let's go.
:'''Lady''': Chef! ''[whistles to Gordon]''
:'''Gordon''': (to the woman) Right! Don't whistle at me, I'm not your fucking dog, yeah? You look more like a dog than I do. Fuck off, will you?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
''[Gordon checks on potatoes brought up by Carol]'' 
:'''Gordon''': Oh dear. Excuse me! Oh, dear! Let's go, come down! Hurry up! Taste them. There, there you go, there's a nice big slice for you. Aw, fuck it!
:'''Carol''': Hard and raw chef.
:'''Gordon''': Fucking hell! ''[throws the potatoes away]'' Why are the potatoes crunchy? Who cooked them then?
:'''Carol''': I did chef. If they go in the oven when the order comes in, they should be fully cooked. (interview) I don't know why they didn't cook. I never cooked potatoes that long before I sliced that thin.
:'''Gordon''': (To Jean-Philippe) Hey, come in here you! Have I got news for you, yeah? Tell him then, tell him! HE'S GOING TO GO AND EXPLAIN TO THE CUSTOMER!!
:'''Jean-Philippe''': What's happening?
:'''Carol''': The potatoes are undercooked. If they go in when the order comes in, they should be fine.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': What's undercooked?
:'''Gordon''': Say that again?!
:'''Carol''': If she [Andrea] fires it when the order comes in, when it's ready to go -
:'''Gordon''': Au-gratin dauphinois need to be cooked before service!
:'''Carol''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Now you're blaming her.
:'''Carol''': I'm not blaming her chef.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, Andrea, she's trying to sabotage. She can't even tur -
:'''Carol''': I'm not.
:'''Gordon''': What?
:'''Carol''': I'm not sabotaging.
:'''Andrea''': (interview) I was embarrassed for Carol. She's pointing out other people's mistakes. Point me out! I dare you!
:'''Gordon''': Here's the next question, how long then til they cook?
:'''Carol''': Maybe ten minutes.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, look how cool she is! She said &quot;maybe ten minutes&quot;!
:'''Carol''': (interview) They should've been done. Why didn't they cook?
:'''Gordon''': (to the customers) Maybe ten minutes everybody, for your Au-gratin dauphinois!! (to Carol) Look at them, the poor souls! Are you stupid?!
:'''Carol''': No, chef. I'm not.
:'''Gordon''': Bullshit! ''[throws his towel away]''
:'''Andrea''': (interview) Those potatoes! I was embarrassed for Carol.
:'''Gordon''': Why didn't they cook to begin with?
:'''Carol''': Chef, yes, I cooked them in the cream for an hour.
:'''Gordon''': WHAT?!
:'''Carol''': Yes.
:'''Gordon''': You cooked them in the cream for an hour?
:'''Carol''': In boiling cream for an hour.
:'''Gordon''': Crunchy gratin dauphinois. Useless.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
''[Carol pours more cream over her potatoes]''
:'''Gordon''': What is that on there?
:'''Carol''': I just poured more cream on it and I'm going to put it back in.
:'''Gordon''': My God! Oh, Jesus Christ! ''[gets the potatoes dumps them in the bin]'' Are you mad?
:'''Carol''': No, chef.
:'''Andrea''': (interview) There were no saving those potatoes. None whatsoever. They just looked like shit. They looked like fucking shit! It was awful.
:'''Gordon''': I wouldn't even serve that to a fucking pig farm, madam. Forget it. ''[throws the tray into the sink]'' You don't care do you? Because if you did care, you wouldn't serve me that crap! This is supposed to be your exciting menu! Really?
:'''Carol''': (interview) I feel completely awful. This is such a great dish and I fucking ruined it!

=== Episode Ten [5.10] ===

:'''Gordon''': On order, six covers table 20. Entrées: Two wellington, two chicken, one lamb, one Dory. Wellington's medium, yes?
:'''Final 6''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': (to Andrea) Right Andrea, what's going? ''[gets no answer]'' No answer. I'm not in the best of moods, ah? I don't like being ignored in my own fucking kitchen. What's going?
:'''Andrea''': I have no idea, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, my God almighty.
:'''Robert''': (interview) On garnish, you've got to be thirty seconds before everybody else. If she's not checking the tickets for us, we're screwed.
:'''Gordon''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, she's running the section, yet she has no idea of what's going. (to Giovanni) Tell her, chef.
:'''Giovanni''': Two wellingtons one medium, one medium-rare and lamb medium? I'm sorry, lamb medium-rare. Two lamb medium-rare.
:'''Gordon''': Oh my God.
:'''Robert and Ben Walanka''': Two chicken.
:'''Paula''': Two chicken and a Dory.
:'''Giovanni''': Two wellington, Two chicken and a lamb.
:'''Gordon''': Two wellington, two chicken, one lamb, one fucking Dory.
:'''Final 6''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': One wellington's medium, the rest is fucking nor-MAL. 
:'''Final 6''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Unlike us! (to Andrea) What's going, madam?
:'''Andrea''': I have no idea, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You have no idea. 
:'''Andrea''': I have no idea, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, come here you. Hey... fuck off! Hey madam, (points to the front entrance) through the door there! FUCK OFF!
:''[Andrea walks out of the door while the camera crew follows her]''
:'''Andrea''': Get that fucking camera out of my face.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Andrea, relax. The only thing he wants from you is to come back. You need to fight back. If you don't, you're finished.
:'''Andrea''': (interview) This is the hardest... most difficult, most up-and-down thing that I've ever, ''ever'' done in my entire life! ''[to Jean-Philippe]'' It's just been out of fucking control tonight. There's no communication with anybody, and I just haven't recovered. 
:'''Jean-Philippe''': You want to stay?
:'''Andrea''': Yes, I want to fucking stay! I've been through too much hell right now to fucking leave!
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Absolutely. So keep it to Gordon.
:'''Andrea''': (interview) It's just a reminder of how difficult it's been and how much...how much I just want this so bad.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': So now you need to be strong. Go back in there, and give it your best shot. Go on, then!
:'''Andrea''': (interview) I put everything I have into this every day, and I just had to go in there and fight for the rest of it.
:'''Gordon''': ''[to Andrea]'' Right, what's going?
:'''Andrea''': Two chicken, two lamb, one wellington, one Dory.
:'''Gordon''': Thank you. Back in the kitchen! NOW WAKE UP, ANDREA!
:'''Andrea''': Yes, chef!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Dory, salmon, lamb, wellington!
:'''Robert''': Two minutes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': ''[notices Robert putting the bacon into the John Dory]'' Robert, just come here!
:'''Robert''': Oh, shit!
:'''Gordon''': Why have you put the bacon inside the Dory?
:'''Robert''': To crisp it up, chef, real quickly.
:'''Gordon''': What's the bacon with?
:'''Robert''': For the scallops.
:'''Gordon''': So why have you put it with the Dory? Suppose he's allergic to bacon! You can send somebody to the hospital on the back of that!
:'''Robert''': Oh, you're right.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, come on! ''[kicks a bin]'' &quot;You're right&quot;? Course, I'm fucking right! Get the bacon out!
:'''Robert''': (interview) Yeah, I fucked up and you know what? I know in my heart, I got it. I'm a bull.
:'''Gordon''': Come on, Mr Bacon Man!
:'''Narrator''': While Robert tries again on the John Dory, Chef Ramsay is counting on Giovanni on the meat station to get out the first entrée of the night.
:''[Gordon checks on chicken special at the pass]''
:'''Gordon''': (with a chewed up piece of chicken) What is that?
:'''Scott''': Giovanni's best.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, Ben.
:'''Ben Walanka''': Chef?
:'''Gordon''': Is that a chewed up bit of chicken from the dog? Here. ''[gives the chicken to Ben]'' That's your special. Yeah, have a word with him, yeah? He's given up. Take all the garnish back, do whatever you wish with it. Your special has now become not very special thanks to dickface (Giovanni) there. Hurry up, Giovanni!
:'''Giovanni''': Yeah, but I'm not dickface, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, say that again?!
:'''Giovanni''': I said I'm not dickface, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, you're pissed, are you? Not as fucking- Look at me, '''LOOK AT ME IN THE EYES!!!''' '''NOT AS PISSED AS I AM!!! YOU FUCKIN' ARE!!! DONKEY!!!'''
:'''Giovanni''': No.
:'''Ben''': (interview) Whooo! Boy, oh boy!
:'''Gordon''': Cause right now, I don't '''GIVE A FUCK!''' '''DICKFACE!'''
:'''Giovanni''': (interview) I'm an emotional person, but he can get in my face all he wants, he will not break me.
:'''Gordon''': You're sending shit, and you're trying to get away with it! Now I'm ''ready'' for an argument! SENDING ME THAT, YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED!!
:'''Robert''': (interview) You know, he just ''wants'' you to pop off.
:'''Gordon''': And you want to get all sensitive! You want to get all fucking negative! 
:'''Giovanni''': No, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Look at me, look at me, you send me shit like that, take your jacket and '''FUCK OFF'''!
:'''Giovanni''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': I'm not sending that shit, '''SHIT!'''
:'''Giovanni''': No, chef. Sorry, chef. (interview) I wasn't angry at him, I was angry at myself. It was just, I was boiling inside and... and he said something to me.
:'''Gordon''': That's the well done one. And look at me, I think you're too fucked to get upset with me, you don't give a fuck what I call you. This is not personal, this is professional! That personal was a piece of shit, now pull it '''BACK!!!'''
:'''Giovanni''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': '''DICKFACE!'''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Giovanni, Robert! Hey Andrea, come here you! ''[gathers them at the corner]'' All three of you are pathetic! You (Giovanni) don't care...
:'''Giovanni''': I care, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You're (Robert) way behind, and you (Andrea) haven't got a fucking clue! Can we work together as a team?!
:'''Giovanni, Robert and Andrea''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Two wellington. One well-done! '''Get it UP!!!'''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Danny''': (interview) One station failed...
:'''Scott''': ''[Andrea's one pan catches fire]'' Pan's on fire! Pan's on fire!
:'''Danny''': ...and another station failed. It's no joke.
:'''Gordon''': We're going up in flames. ''[pick Andrea's pan]''
:'''Paula''': (interview) First night with the Black team, one big cluster fuck.
:'''Gordon''': Same shit, different day! (throws the pan into the sink)
:'''Scott''': ''[Ben's pan also catches fire]'' What about the rest of the table? We need cover-up.
:'''Gordon''': Dynamic six, yeah. My fucking ass. Fuck off the lot of you! ''[walks out of the kitchen and throws his towel away]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': ''[calls the five chefs back in the kitchen after Giovanni's elimination.]'' I just spent the last hour upstairs in my office thinking. It just doesn't make sense! How can the final six be so shit? I called you all down here because on the back of that performance, I'm now going to do something I have never ever done before. I'm shutting down Hell's Kitchen.

=== Episode Eleven [5.11] ===

:'''Narrator''': After a couple of days without any word on how Robert is doing, Chef Ramsay calls the chefs down for a meeting.
:'''Gordon''': So you're feeling fresh, very relaxed. Did you enjoy the whole atmosphere at the Borgata Resort?
:'''Danny''': Very much so.
:'''Ben''': Incredible, Chef.
:'''Gordon''': Sadly, you came back minus one individual. Clearly, you're all deeply concerned. I'm not going to tell you how he's doing, I'm going to let him tell you himself. Chef Robert.
:''[Robert appears and everyone applauds and smile]''
:'''Gordon''': Okay, big boy. Let me just say how pleased I am to see you.
:'''Robert''': Thank you.
:'''Gordon''': How are you feeling?
:'''Robert''': Not good.
:'''Gordon''': Ah?
:'''Robert''': Not good.
:''[Ben stops smiling.]''
:'''Gordon''': What did the medics say?
:'''Robert''': I have [[w:Pericarditis|pericarditis]], which is the swelling of the sac around the heart which leads to heart disease.
:''[Gordon shakes his head in dismay, Andrea and Paula fight back tears.]''
:'''Gordon''': Oh dear. Are you coming back?
:'''Robert''': No.
:'''Gordon''': No?
:''[Danny's face drops]''
:'''Robert''': I'm not coming back.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Ben has been struggling on the garnish station]''
:'''Gordon''': What's going, Ben? (gets no response) Oh, my God almighty! Oh, come on. Three Dory, two salmon, one chicken. (sees what Ben is doing) Why is he putting the lettuce there like that? He's trying to sauté it.
:'''Scott''': I don't know, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Look at the mess of this guy.
:'''Scott''': He throwing everything in a pot.
:'''Ben Walanka''': (interview) I was just absolutely... just mind-boggled.
:'''Gordon''': ''[picks up a pan and a piece of lettuce]'' You've got a pan here like that and you're throwing lettuce on top like that... ''you're shit.'' You are so shit, you don't realise what you're doing!
:'''Danny''': (interview) Oh, man Ben! Like, come on. You know better than that.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, come here a minute. Why are you doing this? You're just adding the lettuce to the tomato and cucumber, you're not sautéing the lettuce?
:'''Ben''': Chef, I was in a side pan s-sautéing the tomatoes and the cucumbers, chef. But I did it wrong, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, you're fuckin' up, you're cutting corners, and you're slipping big time! Do you know what? Do you know your biggest problem that'll always be the downfall of your career? You're full of fuckin' shit! 'cause every time you get fuckin' something wrong, you give a bullshit fuckin' excuse, but right now, I'm fed up with your bullshit excuses!
:'''Ben''': (interview) There's really nothing that I can do to please Chef Ramsay, and I'm slowly but surely being able to accept that.
:'''Gordon''': '''FUCK OFF!!'''
:'''Ben''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You're too dangerous to have on service. I asked you what you're doing, you said you're sautéeing tomatoes, ARE YOU '''FUNK! YOU DIRTY PIG! GET OUT!! GET OUT!!''' Un-fucking-believable!
:''[Ben walks into the pantry and bangs his head on the door]''
:'''Ben''': (interview) What the fuck is going on?! I–I'm very upset right now, but I don't give up. I'm a good cook, I know how to cook. You know, I feel like I need to really try and pull it together. ''[goes in the bathroom to wash his face]'' Okay, we're back. (interview) I certainly ain't leaving here without a fight. I'll tell you that.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Ben returns to the kitchen after a quick break]''
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, right. Hey, you! Come here you! What's going through your mind now? You still going to fucking butcher me and slice me and serve shit to them?
:'''Ben Walanka''': No, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Where's your fight, man?!
:'''Ben''': It's here, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Where is it?!
:'''Ben''': I got it, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Then wake up, you doughnut!
:'''Ben''': '''YES, CHEF!'''
[[Category:Hell's Kitchen seasons]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Hell's Kitchen/Season 6</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>130372</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153585</id>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-11T15:19:02Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:1700:24A3:170:DDA9:AD74:44C:8B70</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Episode Eight [6.08] */</comment>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="43632" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 1|1]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 2|2]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 3|3]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 4|4]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 5|5]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 6|6]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 7|7]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 8|8]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 9|9]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 10|10]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 11|11]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 12|12]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 13|13]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 14|14]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 15|15]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 16|16]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 17|17]] | '''[[Hell's Kitchen|Main]]'''
----
&lt;br&gt;
'''''[[w:Hell's Kitchen (U.S.)|Hell's Kitchen]]''''' is an American cooking reality show based on [[w:Hell's Kitchen (UK)|the British program of the same title]], where Chef [[w:Gordon Ramsay|Gordon Ramsay]] puts aspiring chefs through different challenges and dinner services to decide who is the best.

=== Episode One [6.01] ===

:''[Louie has brought up his signature dish]''
:'''Gordon''': What is that?
:'''Louie''': Sausage gravy over biscuits.
:'''Gordon''': Sausage gravy?
:'''Louie''': Yes.
:'''Gordon''': Over biscuits?
:'''Louie''': Yes. I sell about five gallons of it a week.
:'''Gordon''': Gallons? What, you sell this to pigs?
:'''Louie''': No, actually, I own a diner.
:'''Gordon''': Uh-huh, okay. And how much do you charge for that?
:'''Louie''': $4.75.
:'''Gordon''': $4.75?
:'''Louie''': Yeah. With coffee.
:''[Gordon tastes some of the dish, and quickly spits it out in disgust]''
:'''Gordon''': Fuck me.
:'''Louie''': What's wrong with it?
:'''Gordon''': What's wrong with it? It tastes like gunk.
:'''Louie''': ''[glares at Gordon]'' (interview) Hundreds of people eat that in my diner each week. I don't think it was worth spitting out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Joseph''': (interview) I feel like a dog that's been taken off his leash. I'm hungry, I'm hungry and I want this, and I'm going to get it. None of them will get in my fucking way.
:'''Gordon''': So, this is...?
:'''Joseph''': This right here's a roasted veal chop, with roasted root vegetables.
:'''Gordon''': Uh-huh. Lovely colour on there.
:'''Joseph''': Thank you.
:'''Gordon''': What a shame the Brussels sprouts are rock hard. Are they supposed to be that crunchy?
:'''Joseph''': No, they're not.
:'''Gordon''': (gives a sprout to Joseph) Will you have a little taste for me please?
:'''Joseph''': Absolutely. You got a fork? (interview) I ain't no animal. If there's a fork available, I like to fucking use it.
:'''Gordon''': You can bite that. You're a big boy.
:'''Joseph''': I'm not an animal. (interview) Do I look like a caveman? Do I eat with my fucking hands?
:'''Gordon''': Don't get defensive. Relax.
:'''Tony''': (interview) I was like &quot;Damn! Throw it down, Chef Ramsay!&quot;
:'''Gordon''': Are you mad?
:'''Joseph''': (interview) Me and him, we're gonna go head to head, without a fuckin' doubt. I will drag him out to the parking lot by his fuckin' jacket and stomp the shit outta him. That's bullshit! I nailed that fuckin' dish. He knew it and I knew it! No fuckin' way!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon''': (to Tony and Amanda) Let's go.
:''[Tony and Amanda went in front of Gordon to present their dishes]''
:'''Amanda''': Two seconds chef. I need to grab one thing.
:''[Amanda returns to the pass to get two shots of tequila]''
:'''Gordon''': What's that?
:'''Amanda''': Tequila.
:'''Gordon''': Tequila.
:'''Amanda''': (interview) I'm definitely asking Chef Ramsay to do a shot of tequila with me. It goes with the dish.
:'''Gordon''': And what's your dish?
:'''Amanda''': Margarita French toast with tequila lime butter.
:'''Gordon''': Show me? ''[looking at Amanda's dish]'' I thought you were joking. You're cooking a slice of fucking toast dipped in egg with...
:'''Amanda''': Tequila.
:'''Gordon''': ...to get me drunk.
:'''Amanda''': (interview) One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, four... (cuts to Amanda took a shot of tequila) Give me a lot more! Keep on going!
:''[Gordon was shocked at Amanda]''
:'''Lovely''': (interview) Are you kidding me? (laughs) Why would you do that?
:'''Gordon''': ''[raises a piece of toast with a knife]'' That's it? (brief pause) What the fuck were you doing for 42 minutes? Because that takes literally 3 minutes. SHOCKING!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Melinda''': We have a poached lobster and savory portobello mushrooms. (interview) My dish is very rich and succulent and luscious and velvety. You just feel what's happening on your mouth and the satisfaction that comes. ''[laughs]''
:''[Melinda lifts the lid off her dish, revealing that the mushrooms make up most of the dish, with just a few small chunks of lobster scattered around; Gordon is shocked]''
:'''Gordon''': Where's the lobster tail? ''[portions her dish]'' Where's the fucking tail?
:'''Melinda''': During the cooking process, I had some challenges.
:''[Gordon raises the &quot;tail&quot;]''
:'''Gordon''': Poached lobster tail, where's the fucking tail? ''[grabs Melinda's plate and throws it in the trash]'' Absolutely fucking pathetic!
:'''Sabrina Gresset''': (interview) Dang... That's another zero.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[Before dinner service]''
:'''Narrator''': But moments from opening, his optimism...
:'''Gordon''': ''[sees some fondants at the pass]'' Oh, dear. Who cooked these?
:'''Narrator''': ...begins to fade.
:'''Gordon''': Who cooked the fondants?
:'''Sabrina Gresset''': Lovely.
:'''Gordon''': ''[calls out Lovely]'' Lovely!
:'''Lovely''': Yes, chef?
:'''Gordon''': Which they're not... come here! Why these are cooked? We put it in the oven when the order comes on.
:'''Lovely''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': We haven't even opened yet and you cooked them.
:'''Tennille''': (interview) That's all we have to work with. We're fucking screwed.
:'''Gordon''': ''[raises one fondant]'' Look at that! ''[scoops the fondant and drops it]'' Look. It's like a fucking hockey puck. Oh, my God! We're not even opened yet and you screwed it up! What a fucking disaster!
:'''Sabrina Gresset''': (interview) That's it. The end.
:'''Gordon''': 'Get fffucked!!
:'''Suzanne''': (interview) Obviously I was thrown in a kitchen with a bunch of circus clowns!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[Gordon checks on scallops brought up by Jim]''
:'''Gordon''': Jim!
:'''Jim''': Yes, chef?
:'''Gordon''': Look at me. Three scallops cut in half means what?
:'''Jim''': Six pieces.
:'''Gordon''': I've got four! Are you doing this on purpose to get me going?
:'''Jim''': No.
:'''Dave''': (interview) Don't insult Chef Ramsay's intelligence.
:'''Gordon''': So look at me. Count to six for me.
:'''Jim''': 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.
:'''Gordon''': Louder!
:'''Jim''': 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6!
:'''Gordon''': THEN WAKE UP!!
:'''Jim''': Yes, chef. (interview) I just wasn't paying attention. Ones and twos, and threes and twos, and I thought I had yahtzee at one point.
:'''Gordon''': Jim, one minute out, drop six pieces of scallop.
:'''Jim''': Yes, chef.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[Gordon checks the scallops on Tek's station]''
:'''Gordon''': Look at this. I swear to God, ''[gets some scallops]'' it's the kind of shit you'd expect Tiger Woods to tee off with. Look at it. Rubber, rubber, RUBBER! ''[throws the scallops away]''
:'''Narrator''': But, they have to start over.
:'''Gordon''': (on Melinda's cappelini) It's limp and shit!
:'''Narrator''': And over.
:'''Gordon''': (on Tek's scallops) It's fucking raw!! ''[throws the scallops away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[Gordon notices Louie putting an unseasoned lamb in the oven]''
:'''Gordon''': Louie? Did you just put the lamb in the oven?
:'''Louie''': Yes, sir.
:'''Gordon''': OH, MY GOD! ''[calls out the entire team]'' Hey guys come here quick! At least you know, Louie's on entrées and the fucking lamb goes in the oven like that. No salt, no pepper, no seasoning, not even seared! ''[slams the lamb on the plate]'' (to Louie) Louie, why do we sear meat?
:'''Louie''': To lock in the juices, sir.
:'''Gordon''': To give it colour, to improve the flavour!
:'''Louie''': Sorry, sir.
:'''Jim''': (interview) You're a man. There's a primary instinct inside you that knows how to cook meat. You need to find it.
:'''Gordon''': Fucking hell!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[Gordon returns to the Red kitchen for the Red team's appetizers]''
:'''Gordon''': For the eighth time, can I have one fucking scallops and a fucking beautifully cooked capellini?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon''': (on Melinda's capellini) Is that cooked? It looks undercooked.
:'''Melinda''': Is it cooked?
:'''Gordon''': (tastes the capellini) Not cooked.
:'''Melinda''': Not cooked?
:'''Gordon''': Nah, that's not cooked. Not cooked. (Melinda throws the undercooked capellini away) Oh, my God! Why did you throw that away, Melinda? Just put it back on the stove, put the lid on the top and, 30 seconds cooking it! What do you do, you just... trash it straight away!
:'''Sabrina Gresset''': (interview) Melinda... she had that deer-in-the-headlights look and that'll kill you.
:'''Gordon''': (Discovers a [[:wikipedia:Capellini|capellini]] thrown in the bin) Look at all this fucking... who's putting all this in the bin?! How many portions are you putting in there? How much is in the bin?! LOOK! '''LOOK!!!''' '''WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!'''
:'''Narrator''': An hour into dinner service and the red team has cooked ten appetizers. But unfortunately, none of them have made it to the dining room.
:'''Gordon''': (to Melinda) Hey, madam, ''how much capellini are you throwing away''? (Melinda doesn't reply) Look at it! What are you doing, Melinda?! What are you doing?!
:''[Melinda begins attempted interview and doesn't speak]''
:'''Gordon''': You're making me mad!
:'''Melinda''': Yes, Chef.
:'''Gordon''': Fucking mad!
:'''Melinda''': Yes, chef.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Salmon, lamb please, how long?
:'''Tennille''': Seven minutes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, what's that piece of shit there?
:'''Suzanne''': It's supposed to be the salmon.
:'''Gordon''': Holy fuck! Look at that. It's like a... bison's penis - what is that shit? ''[opens up the salmon wrap, revealing the interior to be totally frozen]'' Look at that! Stone-cold, frozen salmon. Who put the salmon in the freezer?
:'''Amanda''': Me. I fucked it up. (interview) The salmon was my fault because I stuck it in the freezer instead of the fridge, and it was frozen.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, you fucked up, big time!
:'''Tek''': All the salmon's the same, I think we should try and fix it.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, 'cos she's wrapped it frozen.
:'''Heather''': And we have five on order.
:'''Gordon''': We've got five on order?
:'''Heather''': Five on order.
:'''Gordon''': (to Amanda) Hey, ditzy! Great job!
:'''Amanda''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, fuck off.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gordon checks on lamb brought up by Louie]''
:'''Gordon''': Louie! ''[raises a chewed up piece of lamb]'' Wh... what is that?! What is that?! Did you bite that? Look! That's one, that's the other! It's on the same fucking table!!!
:'''Joseph''': (interview) Louie's lost. He's out of his league.
:''[Gordon discovers that Louie has wasted a huge amount of lamb]''
:'''Gordon''': What's all that lamb here? Look at this! Hey, Van! You, hey, Joseph! Stop! Look... at... this! Look! LOOK! '''LOOK!!!''' '''WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!''' LOUIE!
:'''Louie''': Yes, sir?
:'''Gordon''': Fuck off back there! '''GET OUT!!!''' YES, get '''FUCKED''', pile of '''SHIT!''' Hey, get upstairs, get your bags packed...
:'''Louie''': Can I help? Can I help in the kitchen?
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, you can help me: '''GET OUT!!!'''
:'''Louie''': (interview) You want me out? You want me to pack my fuckin' bags? I'm out. My bags are packed. YOU CAN KISS - MY - FUCKING - '''ASS!!!'''
:'''Narrator''': With the kitchen at a complete standstill, Chef Ramsay is left with no choice.
:'''Gordon''': (to Joseph) Switch it OFF!
:'''Joseph''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': (to the red team) Fuck off!
:'''Tennille''': (interview) Anybody sitting at home thinking they can do this...Good luck. It's tough.
:'''Joseph''': (interview) I've never had a dinner service like that. It was a complete and utter nightmare.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gordon sits with Robert at one of the tables]''
:'''Gordon''': First of all, it's bloody good to see you. Yes.
:'''Robert''': Thank you, chef. Thank you.
:'''Gordon''': You lost your opportunity due to health reasons... right now, I'd love you to seriously consider ''[pause for effect]'' coming back into Hell's Kitchen.
:'''Robert''': (interview) I've a second chance, and you know, you don't get many second chances in life. ''[to Gordon]'' I would love to take that offer. ''[applause from the other tables]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Melinda was completely lost in space. So I sent her back to whatever planet she came from.

=== Episode Two [6.02] ===

:''[During the Blue Team's reward where they are having Shrimp Cocktails with Gordon]''
:'''Gordon''': Enjoy it.
:'''Dave''': It's a treat to be sitting here by Chef and not being screamed at.
:'''Gordon''': Trust me, each and every service, you're going to get stronger. Have you any idea how much shit I've taken in the kitchen? And the more I took, the better I became.
:'''Joseph''': (interview) What am I learning by shooting shit? Nothing. What gets accomplished by running your mouth? Not a thing.
:'''Joseph''': I didn't come here for lunches you know. That's not what I'm here for. I'm not going to lose my eye on the prize.
:'''Dave''': Well, we're fired up too, man. I'm not relaxing because I get to have a good nice lunch with the chef.
:'''Joseph''': It's good to get out but I don't really care.
:'''Dave''': (interview) Joseph, he's a complete dick. He's a little hotheaded, and he's being a little too intense in the way he disrespects Chef Ramsay.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Jean-Philippe returns to the pass after seeing Van serving tableside to a Red diner]''
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Chef, he's going to the wrong table.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, no. VAN, COME HERE!!
:'''Van''': (to a Red diner) I'm going to get yelled at right now, but I'll be right back. ''[returns to the pass]'' (to Gordon) Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': That's the Red table. You're running the Blue. Hey Bozo, give me one scampi special on the right table.
:'''Van''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Thank you! (to Jean-Philippe) Hey, what's the matter between you two?
:'''Jean-Philippe''': There's a language barrier there.
:'''Gordon''': What do you mean a language barrier? He's speaking English, you dick!
:'''Jean-Philippe''': I know, but he's from Texas. ''[Gordon rolls his tongue around]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jean-Philippe''': (to Van) Don't run in the restaurant, please?
:'''Van''': (interview) Jean-Philippe better stop trying to tell me what to do. I know that.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': I'm going to explode. I'm going to explode, my friend! Listen to me!
:'''Tony''': (interview) WHOA, WHOA! JP! He's about to like pound him down. DAMN!
:'''Jean-Philippe''': (to Van and even turns red) Listen! Listen! '''LISTEN TO ME!!'''
:'''Andy''': (interview) I cannot believe I'm seeing this.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Listen to me!
:'''Kevin''': (interview) He's going to fucking hit him.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': (to Van) We have a problem here!
:'''Jim''': (interview) Hit him!
:'''Van''': (to Jean-Philippe) Don't touch me, bro! You better get out of my face! (JP pushes Van)
:''[Gordon saw JP and Van fighting; becomes furious]''
:'''Gordon''': OI!! Hey, stop! Hey both of you, come here! (referring Van) Bozo, both of you, come here! NOW!
:'''Van''': I'm going to fuck you up, bro. (interview) We're going to get it down and it's going to be a first round knockout.
:'''Gordon''': What's is going on?
:'''Jean-Philippe''': (referring Van) He's got no respect, Chef.
:'''Gordon''': DON'T SHOUT! WE'RE IN FRONT OF THE CUSTOMERS NOW!!!
:'''Van''': I'm sorry, Chef.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': He's not respecting his dining room, Chef.
:'''Van''': (interview) Bitch, shut the fuck up. He thinks he's some kind of boss man around here and he ain't nothing.
:'''Gordon''': (to Van) Calm down, listen to him. (to Jean-Philippe) And you, pay a little bit to respect. ''[points to Van]'' And if you do your job, ''[points to Jean-Philippe]'' And if you do your job, we'll come together. 'Cause right now, you're turning the whole place upside down, are you going to do it?
:'''Jean-Philippe''': (referring Van) If he listens to me.
:'''Gordon''': (to Jean-Philippe) ARE YOU GOING TO DO IT?
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Yes, I will if he listens to me.
:'''Gordon''': (to Van) ARE YOU GOING TO DO IT?
:'''Van''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Last chance.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': ''[Letting Van out of the pantry first]'' Ladies first.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Where's the chicken?
:'''Andy''': Just a second. I'll cook it a little bit more.
:'''Gordon''': ''[sees what Andy is doing]'' Oh, no. Oh, dear. We're cutting up a piece of chicken and frying it off. What do you think it is, chicken nuggets? OI!! Come here you! Now you've cut them up like bits of chicken nugget, and fryin' them off?
:'''Andy''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You fuckin' donkey!!
:'''Joseph''': (interview) Andy, if you're sitting there all night long with a meat thermometer on your arm, why are you not checking the chickens? What the fuck is it doing on your arm? It don't look good on you.
:'''Gordon''': ''[grabs Andy's pan]'' Is that how you cook in Whistler?
:'''Andy''': No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': So why are you cooking it like it now?!
:'''Andy''': I made a mistake chef.
:''[Gordon throws the pan into the sink]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
''[Gordon asks for chicken in the Red kitchen]''
:'''Gordon''': One roasted crown chicken!
:'''Sabrina Gresset''': Yes, chef. I'm ready for it.
:'''Gordon''': ''[sees that the chicken is burnt]'' It's burnt, the chicken!
:'''Sabrina Gresset''': Is it?
:'''Gordon''': It's crispy and burnt! Oh, my God!
:'''Sabrina Gresset''': Damn!
:'''Gordon''': ''[calls the Blue team]'' Hey, come here you! All of you! Both kitchens are down and they're waiting. So we're standing here and we got fuck all going out! Nothing! That's where I draw the line. I'm about to do something I've never done before in Hell's Kitchen!
:'''Dave''': (interview) It's a desperate time. I don't know what's going to happen. For all I know, we're all going home.
:'''Gordon''': I have no option now! There's one fucking thing that you can do here, it's a fucking shrimp cocktail. Do you know why? Cause it's not cooked! Give me a fucking shrimp cocktail!
:'''Suzanne''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Give me some shrimp cocktails now. Jean-Philippe! I'm serving shrimp cocktail. At least they're going to get something to eat! Hey you, nothing cooked! Nothing seasoned! Crushed ice in a glass with ketchup!
:'''Sabrina Gresset''': (interview) When Chef Ramsay says &quot;You know what, stop cooking and just send out cold stuff!&quot; That's embarrassing.
:'''Gordon''': Let's go. Shrimp cocktail. Let's go.
:'''Narrator''': With no cooking required...
:'''Van''': GO! GO!! GO!!!
:'''Narrator''': ...both kitchens...
:'''Sabrina Gresset''': Five more right here.
:'''Narrator''': ...manage to get shrimp cocktail to the dining room.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': With the compliments of Chef Ramsay.
:'''Lady''': A shrimp kind of night. Isn't it?
:'''Gordon''': Hey ladies, come here. Hey, come here! Come here!
:'''Tony''': (interview) Everybody's like freaking out! Like Chef Ramsay's going to walk over with a fricking machine gun and like ''[imitates a machine gun]'' blow us all away!
:'''Gordon''': The entire fucking dining room has shrimp cocktail. That's a first for me! You just turned my restaurant into a shrimp stand! And what's the point of going on? Shut it down!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:''[After a disastrous dinner service in which both teams lost, the Red team has already nominated Lovely and Tennille for elimination, and the Blue team is about to nominate two of its chefs]''
:'''Gordon''': Blue team. Joseph: let's be honest, that's a pretty sorry battalion you got there, isn't it.
:'''Joseph''': Right now it is.
:'''Gordon''': Who's the first nominee for the men?
:'''Joseph''': They can speak for themselves but they know who they are.
:'''Gordon''': Hey smartass, I asked ''you'' to tell me. Who's the first nominee, and why?
:'''Joseph''': No problem: Tony, and Andy.
:'''Gordon''': Listen... I know you may be slightly stupid. First nominee and why?
:'''Joseph''': First nominee and why? Tony. He knows why. We sat down as a group and they wouldn't pick each other. You know. No peer pressure! We're men!
:'''Gordon''': Just, just just - what do you want, a fucking medal?
:'''Joseph''': What do you want me to fuckin' say? What do you want me to say? They know who they fuckin' are. We chose as a group and they stand out and they said they belong there. Stand up, they know who they are.
:'''Gordon''': ''[approaches Joseph]'' Listen, you chippy idiot. I asked for one nominee and why, plain English. And you're mouthing off, and you couldn't answer me. Now can you just tell me, in fucking plain English, the first nominee, and why he's nominated. Is that fucking clear?!
:'''Joseph''': That's clear!
:'''Gordon''': Thank you! ''[walks back]'' Unbelievable! One simple request, who and why, and you make a big fucking song and dance about it!
:'''Joseph''': I ain't no fuckin' bitch, chef! I don't give a fuck. I ain't no bitch!
:'''Gordon''': ...what???
:'''Joseph''': I'm not no bitch!
:'''Robert''': He's trying to bring the best out of you. You got to look past it.
:'''Joseph''': He's not bringing the best out of me.
:'''Ariel''': Yeah, show some respect.
:'''Joseph''': Shut your fuckin' mouth is what you should do right now.
:'''Suzanne''': Come on, man!
:'''Joseph''': I'm talkin' here. I don't give a fuck about you. I didn't come here for you.
:'''Suzanne''': You want to be an executive chef, Joe?
:'''Joseph''': Shut your fuckin' mouth!
:'''Gordon''': Oh, my God!
:'''Tek''': You signed up to fucking learn and grow, and...
:'''Joseph''': Yeah, shut your fuckin' mouth.
:'''Tek''': ...you do this, dude!
:'''Gordon''': Okay! Answer the fucking question!
:'''Joseph''': You keep talkin' like this, I'll have you out in the fuckin' parking lot! I don't give a fuck. What do you want me to say?
:'''Gordon''': I ask the fucking questions, YOU give the fucking answers!
:'''Joseph''': ''[takes off his jacket and walks out of the line]'' Fuck that shit, dawg. I ain't here for that! ''[approaches Gordon and tosses his jacket at him]'' You want a fuckin' jacket? You want talk some shit? Let's go step outside, mo'fucker! ''[gets in Gordon's face]'' I ain't here for that, dawg!

=== Episode Three [6.03] ===

''[continuing the confrontation from the episode before. A couple of guards step in to separate Joseph from Gordon.]
:'''Joseph''': Want to talk about fuckin' fighting?
:'''Gordon''': Oh wow.
:'''Joseph''': Want to get fuckin' rough?
:'''Gordon''': You think I'm scared? Ah? Look at you.
:'''Joseph''': Yeah, keep talking for the fuckin' cameras.
:'''Gordon''': You've just blown your - Yeah, fuck the cameras.
:'''Joseph''': Yeah?
:'''Gordon''': Yeah.
:'''Joseph''': Let's go step outside!
:'''Gordon''': Out in front here? I asked you one simple question, and you couldn't fucking answer me. And then you want to get all tough and up close and personal.
:'''Joseph''': Fuck you.
:'''Gordon''': There you go.
:'''Joseph''': You ain't none but a bitch.
:'''Gordon''': You've got no respect.
:'''Joseph''': No respect?
:'''Gordon''': Now get out.
:'''Joseph''': Fuck you. You fuckin' bitch! ''[Double flips off the chefs]'' Fuck all y'all! Right? ''[the guards lead him out, he trips over the step]''
:'''Gordon''': Watch the step.
:'''Joseph''': Yeah, watch the step, bitch.
:'''Gordon''': What an idiot. Total, total shame. ''[kicks Joseph's jacket up to the table]''
:'''Joseph''': (outside the restaurant) I don't need this and that. I don't need some limey - fuckin' - prick - talking to me like that. Without skippin' a beat, I'll go back home, I'll work! Anybody who fuckin' hires me to work in their kitchen, they'll be proud to have me there! FUCK HIM! FUCK HIM.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': (after sparing Lovely and Tennille from elimination) Now listen up: Because Joseph took himself out of the competition, tonight you get a gift--and I'm not sending anybody home. Last chance.
:'''Chefs''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Understand?
:'''Chefs''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': And I've got one more thing to say to you - in fact, to you all: (in Joseph's tone) I'm nobody's bitch. (everyone laughs)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Gordon''': Amanda!
:'''Amanda''': Yes, Chef!
:'''Gordon''': Twelve threes?
:'''Amanda''': Nine! (that was the correct answer when she incorrectly made eight lamb chops [three portions of three, but she incorrectly said the answer to that question four times])
:''[Everyone laughs]''
:'''Gordon''': Oh, my God!
:'''Amanda''': Thirty-six chef. Thirty-six, I'm sorry, Chef.

=== Episode Four [6.04] ===

:''[The blue team has to clean up the dorms as punishment]''
:'''Robert''': Right now, I just want to win a challenge. I want to win. All through my life I hear bullshit. People thinking shit I'm too fat, too slow, too this, too that. I ain't about to be a loser, I hate it.
:'''Scott Leibfried''': Good, Robert. That's how you should feel. It just kinda sucks that the intensity is coming out during being punished and not neccessarily during...
:'''Robert''': You know, chef I...Fuck!
:'''Scott Leibfried''': Well Robert, what do you want me to tell you? You could've won, you didn't. But you know, the competitive parts should come out during that time and not afterwards.
:'''Robert''': (throws his broom down) I fucking almost died last time for this shit! Don't tell me I ain't giving my fucking 110%! Dancing around like fucking Fred Astaire all fucking day!! LAST SEASON, '''I ALMOST FUCKING DIED FOR THIS SHIT!!''' AND I'M HERE AGAIN AND I FUCKING DON'T WANT TO LOSE IT!! (Breaks his broom)

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[both teams are coming down to the wire during service]''
:'''Gordon''': Where's the chicken?!
:'''Robert''': Come on! Come on!
:'''Andy''': (rushing with the chicken) Coming right behind you. Go now!
:'''Scott Leibfried''': Hey, fucking nitwit, that is fucking raw.
:'''Robert''': Oh man! (interview) Here we go again!
:'''Scott Leibfried''': (gets in Andy's face) You get that ready by the time the rest of the fucking table is ready to go! You got it?!
:'''Andy''': Yes, chef.
:'''Scott Leibfried''': GO!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[After a solid good dinner service for the second time in a row]''
:'''Gordon''': Right, no close. Ladies, you've beaten by the sides.
:'''Suzanne''': (raises her right hand) Chef, can I get play-by-play on that?
:'''Gordon''': Yeah first of all, okay? I'm telling you, straight to your face, you lost. And you, one more thing, you do have one more member than the men, they did it with eleven arms. No play-by-play, take it on the fucking chin, with a little bit of respect. End of fucking story.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': If people were named for their cooking, her name wouldn't be Lovely. It would be Useless.

=== Episode Five [6.05] ===

''[Gordon checks on lobster brought by Amanda]''
:'''Gordon''': Oh, come on. This is not possible! ''(returns to the workstation)'' Come here! All of you, come here!
:'''Amanda Davenport''': (interview) Whatever it is, it's not my fault.
:'''Gordon''': This is not fucking possible! This cannot be true! ''[gets a piece of lobster]'' What is that there? What is that there?! WHAT IS THAT?!
:'''Suzanne''': This is---.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, its fucking raw! '''RAW!!''' ''[kicks the bins]''
:'''Tennille''': (interview) Come on, Amanda! All you have to do is put the lobster on the grill, make sure it didn't char, baste it and send it up. That's all you had to do!
:'''Gordon''': It's a fucking restaurant, not a sushi bar! How can you get confused on a raw fucking grilled lobster?! I don't know where to go! I can't even turn and look at the dining room, I'm so fucking embarrassed! This is still your first table... ''(points to the Blue kitchen)'' that's their last! FUCK OFF!! '''WE HAVEN'T SENT AN ENTRÉE OUT!! STUPID COWS!!!''' ''[crosses over to the Blue kitchen, where the men are starting to clear down]'' Oh, fucking hell... Hey, have you all finished?
:'''Andy''': Desserts chef.
:'''Gordon''': Desserts? Kevin, stay on desserts. All of you, come in here! Hey guys, get on a section will you, please, yes?
:''[The Blue team goes over to the Red kitchen and started working]''
:'''Tennille''': (interview) AWWW! Add insult to injury, rub salt in the wound, what... just... happened?
:'''Gordon''': Away now: Two penne, three New York Strip, two chicken, one catfish!
:'''Blue Team''': Yes, chef!
:'''Robert''': (interview) AAAAAAAAGH! YEEAAAAH BOOOOOYS! (cups his ear) That's right. I can hear it. It's them bitches crying!
:'''Tennille''': Do you need anything?
:'''Jim''': No, I'm cool. (interview) It was just scraps of meat, everywhere. It was a kitchen-pocalypse. Like a hand grenade went off in a cow's ass.

=== Episode Six [6.06] ===

:''[In the final round of the health food challenge]''
:'''Gordon''': Gentlemen, I can't wait for a fantastic dessert. I hope it's substantial. You've probably saved the best until last.
:''[Dave carries the platter with the blue team's dessert over to Ramsay]''
:'''Amanda Davenport''': (interview) Man, that had better be a giant piece of chocolate something, to beat us!
:'''Kevin''': (interview) I was worried, the girls had some really nice stuff. This has got to kick some ass.
:'''Andy''': (interview) I make an apple fruit compote every day of my life. No problem.
:''[Dave lifts the lid on his platter, and Ramsay instantly starts laughing]''
:'''Gordon''': Oh, come on! What is that?
:'''Dave''': (interview) When Chef Ramsay laughed, it definitely like, stung. I felt like a loser. (Ramsay samples the dessert) Chef, we have an egg white crepe filled with a fruit compote, and we have a blackberry and vanilla yoghurt cream.
:'''Gordon''': It tastes... foul! That's the kind of crap they serve when you have a heart bypass or an ulcer operation, that is a joke! Back in line, Dave.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Tennille brings her mashed potatoes to the pass]''
:'''Gordon''': ''[finds that the mashed potato was under-portioned]'' Oh, no. ''(returns to the workstation)'' Tennille! That's my two portions of mash, look at that. That's the way I get treated. ''(shows the mashed potatoes)'' What the fuck is that! ''[throws the pan down]'' Fuck off will you, yeah?
:'''Tennille''': (interview) I take something up to the pass, it's too much - take something else, it's not enough - he's just got to find something to bitch about!
:'''Gordon''': And what'd you want me to do, scoop round inside?
:'''Tennille''': I thought I was over-portioning again, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You're so bizarre - whether this is a joke or an act for you, let me just tell you something: you act pathetically. Why did you send me that pan with no mashed potato in there?
:'''Tennille''': Chef, the other orders you said I over-portioned chef, so I put up--
:'''Gordon''': So now you've gone back the other way with fuck-all in there! Is that clear?!
:'''Tennille''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Good! You're upset now?
:'''Tennille''': Yeah, I'm fuckin' pissed off!
:'''Gordon''': I'm fucking glad you are! 'cause you're crap!
:'''Tennille''': ''You're'' crap. (interview) I'm sick, I'm sick of his shit, man! You're not going to keep talking to me like that!
:'''Gordon''': Hey, madam, madam. Get out.
:'''Tennillle''': Yes, no problem, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Get fucking out.
:'''Tennille''': Oh, I'm out!
:'''Sabrina Gresset''': Oh, no!
:'''Gordon''': Get the fuck out of here!
:'''Tennille''': Fuck you... fuck you! (interview) Right now, I'm pissed off and I'm trying to maintain my cool for slapping him in his jaw.
:'''Sabrina Gresset''': Thanks a lot, Tennille. (interview) Now we have to work her station. Thanks a lot!
:''[Gordon follows Tennille to the back area, following her walk-out]''
:'''Gordon''': Hey!
:'''Tennille''': Busting my ass for you!
:'''Gordon''': That's right. That's right.
:'''Tennille''': Busting my ass for you!
:'''Gordon''': You're not, you're lying.
:'''Tennille''': YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT!!
:'''Gordon''': You're lying.
:'''Tennille''': I'M BUSTING MY ASS! GET OFF MY BACK!
:'''Gordon''': Get off your back? Who the fuck-- You're lying.
:'''Tennille''': GET OFF MY BACK! I'M BUSTING MY ASS, YOU KNOW I AM! LET ME DO MY JOB!
:'''Gordon''': Don't you dare turn around and tell me that I'm fucking crap--
:'''Tennille''': You know off my ass!
:'''Gordon''': --or you FUCK OFF through those doors! That's right!
:'''Tennille''': You can dish it, but you can't take it?! ''[pushes over a rack of trays]''
:'''Gordon''': Hey, madam, what are you doing?
:'''Tennille''': COME ON, LET ME IN THE KITCHEN! JUST LET ME IN THE KITCHEN!
:'''Gordon''': Listen to me, you're not-
:'''Tennille''': It's not good enough for you, man!
:'''Gordon''': You're not listening to me! Shut your fat fucking mouth and listen to me! The potatoes are--
:'''Tennille''': I'm trying to learn from you!
:'''Gordon''': You're not learning, you're only opening your fat mouth!
:'''Tennille''': I am! I am! You're the one who's trying to--
:'''Gordon''': Shut up, then! Shut up! Are you going to keep it shut? (Tennille doesn't reply) Are you going to keep it shut?
:'''Tennille''': Shut.
:'''Gordon''': Good! If you can't hack it, fuck off. If you can, get back in there! ''[Tennille returns to the kitchen]'' Hey madam!
:'''Tennille''': Yes, Chef!
:'''Gordon''': Come here! I want an answer!
:'''Tennille''': I'm on my way back into the kitchen, CHEF!
:'''Gordon''': Good! Let's go.
:''[Tennille returns to the kitchen, where Amanda and Suzanne have taken over the garnishes]''
:'''Tennille''': GET OFF MY STATION, PLEASE!! What's working?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': (After eliminating Jim from Hell's Kitchen) Big man, let me tell you something. I can teach a chef how to cook but I can't give you a heart. You're not the Tin Man and I'm not the fucking Wizard of Oz.

=== Episode Seven [6.07] ===
:'''Gordon:''' All of you, come here! Come here! Come here! Come here! (to Kevin) Hey, Kevin, you're starting to piss me off! '''PUT IT DOWN!''' When I ask you to stop with you're doing, you better fucking stop it! Come here! Cocky! OUT OF THE WAY! (holds a cooked rabbit) Fucking raw! (throws the cooked rabbit on the floor) (Kevin) Happy now? You're standing there tossing your tagliatelle to make yourself look good, I'm serving raw rabbit, Chef?
:'''Kevin:''' Understood, chef.
:'''Gordon:''' (to Robert) You? Fuck off!
:'''Robert:''' Yeah. Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon:''' DON'T START ACTING LIKE A BABY OVER IT!
:'''Robert:''' I'M NOT ACTING LIKE-!
:'''Gordon:''' SHUT IT! SWITCH IT OFF! ALL OF YOU, YOU'RE DONE!
:'''Dave:''' Fuck!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robert:''' (interview) (after blue team lost the dinner service) Yes, I have bad service. But I do not deserve to go home. Because people here, but Andy has better than me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon:''' Robert, tell me why do think you should stay in Hell's Kitchen on the back of that performance?
:'''Robert:''' My history here in Hell's Kitchen never been on the block once. And I'm disgusted that I even share the same fucking stage this guy (Andy) right here. Been here three times not bad for the team always fucking around.

=== Episode Eight [6.08] ===

:''[Jean-Philippe returns to the pass with lamb]''
:'''Gordon''': Oh, fucking hell... What's the matter?
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Raw, chef.
:'''Gordon''': What?
:'''Jean-Philippe''': It's not cooked.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, fucking hell. Sabrina!
:'''Sabrina Gresset''': Yes, chef?
:'''Gordon''': Look, raw! Like you're still running around in the fucking field! Is that on purpose?!
:'''Sabrina Greset''': No, chef!
:'''Gordon''': So '''WHY?!'''
:'''Sabrina Gresset''': (interview) I should have stuck to my grounds when I said it wasn't ready. I said we can't go and Suzanne forced me to go. Suzy fucked me.
:'''Gordon''': Hey madam! Madam, come here! (gives her the lamb) Take that. 
:'''Sabrina Gresset''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Inconsistent, dry lamb on the outside, raw in the centre! Fuck off and eat it! (leads Sabrina to the dining room) There you go! Taste your own medicine! '''PISS OFF!!'''
:'''Sabrina Gresset''': Thank you, chef.

=== Episode Nine [6.09] ===
:'''Andy:''' Ah! (hurts his finger when slicing a potato) Fuck me!
:'''Scott Leibfried:''' Medic! I need a medic!
:'''Dave:''' Are you serious?
:'''Andy:''' Aahhh! It's just a cut, second on the middle thumb, middle finger. It's getting in the fingers too.
:'''Dave:''' (interview) Andy liked the tipped off his fingers more literally taken off. It was so deep and so horrible.
:'''Medical crew:''' (Dispatching to the paramedics) I have Andy. He needs to go to the clinic and needs stitches on its all three fingers.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andy:''' I'll finish two crepes.
:'''Kevin:''' (interview) Andy was just fucking up all night long. He's just turn into a disaster. (to Andy) Bring one crepe up, and I'll follow with another.
:'''Gordon:''' Andy, what aren't you doing anything?
:'''Andy:''' He's (Kevin) assisting me, chef.
:'''Gordon:''' You're not assisting him, you're doing it! And he's standing there watching you. (to Andy) Hey, you! Hey, come here! Do me a favour: FUCK OFF! UPSTAIRS! GET OUT! PISS OFF! ''(to the remaining members of the Blue team)'' Anyone who acts like a fucking idiot can piss off! (to Van) Hello! Are you listening?
:'''Van:''' I'm listening chef.
:'''Gordon:''' Next fucking person out! Concentrate!
:'''Blue team:''' Yes, chef!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Gordon checks on lamb brought up by Suzanne]''
:'''Gordon''': Fuck me. (returns to the workstation) Come here, both (Sabrina Gresset and Suzanne) of you! It's requested med-rare! All of you, come here! Touch that! Yeah, touch that! Touch that - YOU (Sabrina) TOUCH IT AS WELL!! What is that?!
:'''Suzanne''': Medium-well, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Medium-well?
:'''Suzanne''': Well-done, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, hey! Overcooked!
:'''Suzanne''': (interview) I overcooked liked an entire pan of lamb. Oh, it's terrible!
:'''Gordon''': (slams the plates down) Medium-well? And... that's well done? (to Suzanne and Sabrina) Well-done to you! And well-done to you! I can't believe just how inconsistent you are!! Do me a favour: You and you FUCK OFF UPSTAIRS! GET OUT!! Both of you!
:'''Tennille''': (interview) Holy shit! He's going to shut us down!
:'''Gordon''': Get out! Get out!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Cottle:''' (interview) (after escape elimination) We don't want Suzanne (moved to blue team), we don't want her all. But it doesn't matter what jacket Suzanne has all on me. She's going to go home just like anybody else. I will be the last man standing.

=== Episode Ten [6.10] ===

:''[Gordon has found out that Van has brought up 7 scallops instead of 6]''
:'''Gordon''': Van, come here! Straight away! Two three's are what?
:'''Van''': Two three's?
:'''Gordon''': Two times three?
:'''Van''': Two three's?
:'''Gordon''': Two three's are what? Two times three?
:'''Van''': (interview) I'm kind of confused on that right now. (to Gordon) What?
:'''Gordon''': Van!
:'''Van''': I don't understand chef.
:'''Gordon''': You don't understand two times three?
:'''Van''': (interview) I can count, yes. (to Gordon) Yeah, it's six.
:'''Gordon''': So you gave me seven--
:'''Van''': I gave you an extra. I'm sorry, it won't happen again.
:'''Gordon''': Dumbo!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gordon sees the halibut was raw]''
:'''Gordon:''' Come here, all of us! Just come here! Come here, all of you! Look, it's not... it's just... no, it's not about &quot;oh&quot;! (angrily smashes the halibut on the plate after someone says &quot;oh&quot; in disappointment) it's not about that!
:'''Dave:''' (interview) Oh... damn! Halibut splurged all over my face and like I have little tiny like bits of halibut in my eyes.

=== Episode Eleven [6.11] ===

:'''Gordon''': Van, so you started to sear on the sea bass. Come here! Quick and you leave it there! You're searing a sea bass!
:'''Van''': It's big.
:'''Gordon''': '''LISTEN TO ME!!!'''
:'''Van''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': We haven't sent the appetisers!
:'''Van''': (interview) HERE WE GO AGAIN! NEW FUCKING NIGHT!
:'''Gordon''': (to Van) Hey! I'm watching you like a horn fucking eagle! Poissonier! Let's go.
:''[Van begins to cook scallops]''
:'''Van''': Coming up, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Scallops!
:'''Van''': Coming right now, chef. ''[beads of sweat fell on his scallops]''
:'''Gordon''': Van! VAN! NO, NO, STOP! Come here, you're sweating in the food!
:'''Van''': It's hot, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I know it's fucking hot!! (throws his spoon down) YOU'RE SWEATING IN THE FOOD!
:'''Van''': (interview) Man, I was sweating my ass off. (flashback of sweat fell on his scallops) I own there to win the food.
:'''Gordon''': (to Van) What's wrong with you? Serve them? By the way, you can touch on there that one. Look at me, help me out of here!
:'''Van''': (interview) I'm not going to bust my ass, bro. I'm sweating my ass off! (to Gordon) I'm working that I can do for you chef.
:'''Gordon''': You're sweating in the food, Van.
:'''Van''': (interview) He makes me look like a bitch constantly.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Gordon finds a lettuce burning on Ariel's station]''
:'''Gordon''': ''(gets Ariel's garnish pan)'' Just stop! Come here, come here. '''ALL OF YOU, COME HERE!!'''
:'''Dave''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': (points to Ariel) You!
:'''Ariel''': I'm sorry, chef. I turned around for a minute.
:'''Gordon''': Look!
:'''Ariel''': (interview) That lettuce, I didn't even know the fucking burner was on. (to Gordon) Sorry, chef.
:'''Gordon''': What the fuck are you doing?! In front of your fucking eyes!! ''(throws the pan in the bin)'' This is not possible! '''NOT GOOD ENOUGH ARIEL!!'''
:'''Ariel''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': ''(holds up a piece of burnt lettuce)'' WHO THE FUCK'S GOING TO EAT THAT?!! (throws it in the bin)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[after Ariel burned the lettuce, Gordon has reached his breaking point]''
:'''Gordon''': Scott, clear out, come here. Fuck off. Fuck me. [he and Sous-Chef Scott exits the kitchen and restaurant]
:'''Van''': Is that it? Or what?
:'''Gordon''': Fuck that. Absolutely fuck that.
:'''Sous-Chef Scott''': Not worth it.
:'''Gordon''': Fuck them.
:'''Dave''': What the hell is going on here?
:'''Gordon''': Can't take it any more. I cannot take it any more. Un-fucking real. Oh, fuck me. That's a first.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': They're gone. So, are they coming back?
:'''Gordon''': I can't take it anymore. Oh, dear.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Gordon and Sous-Chef Scott return to the kitchen; Gordon calls Van, Ariel and Suzanne to the pass]''
:'''Gordon''': ''(to Kevin in the dining room)'' Kevin, now.
:'''Kevin''': (interview) Oh, shit. Here we go.
:'''Gordon''': Urgently, Kevin. Let's go. (Kevin enters the kitchen) I've never done that. No-one's ever pushed me that far to fucking just disappear in my own fucking restaurant. Nobody! (to Van, Ariel and Suzanne) You, you, you. Fuck off, will you, yeah?! Get out of here! Just get out! All of you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Van may have been a ''poissonier'', but his performance on fish was anything but ''Van''tastic.

=== Episode Twelve [6.12] ===

:'''Gordon''': Suzanne had a red jacket, she had a blue jacket, she had a black jacket. Now she has no jacket.

[[Category:Hell's Kitchen seasons]]</text>
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:'''Seasons:'''  [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 1|1]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 2|2]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 3|3]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 4|4]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 5|5]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 6|6]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 7|7]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 8|8]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 9|9]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 10|10]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 11|11]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 12|12]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 13|13]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 14|14]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 15|15]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 16|16]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 17|17]] | '''[[Hell's Kitchen|Main]]'''
----
&lt;br&gt;
'''''[[w:Hell's Kitchen (U.S.)|Hell's Kitchen]]''''' is an American cooking reality show based on [[w:Hell's Kitchen (UK)|the British program of the same title]], where Chef [[w:Gordon Ramsay|Gordon Ramsay]] puts aspiring chefs through different challenges and dinner services to decide who is the best.

=== Episode One [6.01] ===

:''[Louie has brought up his signature dish]''
:'''Gordon''': What is that?
:'''Louie''': Sausage gravy over biscuits.
:'''Gordon''': Sausage gravy?
:'''Louie''': Yes.
:'''Gordon''': Over biscuits?
:'''Louie''': Yes. I sell about five gallons of it a week.
:'''Gordon''': Gallons? What, you sell this to pigs?
:'''Louie''': No, actually, I own a diner.
:'''Gordon''': Uh-huh, okay. And how much do you charge for that?
:'''Louie''': $4.75.
:'''Gordon''': $4.75?
:'''Louie''': Yeah. With coffee.
:''[Gordon tastes some of the dish, and quickly spits it out in disgust]''
:'''Gordon''': Fuck me.
:'''Louie''': What's wrong with it?
:'''Gordon''': What's wrong with it? It tastes like gunk.
:'''Louie''': ''[glares at Gordon]'' (interview) Hundreds of people eat that in my diner each week. I don't think it was worth spitting out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Joseph''': (interview) I feel like a dog that's been taken off his leash. I'm hungry, I'm hungry and I want this, and I'm going to get it. None of them will get in my fucking way.
:'''Gordon''': So, this is...?
:'''Joseph''': This right here's a roasted veal chop, with roasted root vegetables.
:'''Gordon''': Uh-huh. Lovely colour on there.
:'''Joseph''': Thank you.
:'''Gordon''': What a shame the Brussels sprouts are rock hard. Are they supposed to be that crunchy?
:'''Joseph''': No, they're not.
:'''Gordon''': (gives a sprout to Joseph) Will you have a little taste for me please?
:'''Joseph''': Absolutely. You got a fork? (interview) I ain't no animal. If there's a fork available, I like to fucking use it.
:'''Gordon''': You can bite that. You're a big boy.
:'''Joseph''': I'm not an animal. (interview) Do I look like a caveman? Do I eat with my fucking hands?
:'''Gordon''': Don't get defensive. Relax.
:'''Tony''': (interview) I was like &quot;Damn! Throw it down, Chef Ramsay!&quot;
:'''Gordon''': Are you mad?
:'''Joseph''': (interview) Me and him, we're gonna go head to head, without a fuckin' doubt. I will drag him out to the parking lot by his fuckin' jacket and stomp the shit outta him. That's bullshit! I nailed that fuckin' dish. He knew it and I knew it! No fuckin' way!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon''': (to Tony and Amanda) Let's go.
:''[Tony and Amanda went in front of Gordon to present their dishes]''
:'''Amanda''': Two seconds chef. I need to grab one thing.
:''[Amanda returns to the pass to get two shots of tequila]''
:'''Gordon''': What's that?
:'''Amanda''': Tequila.
:'''Gordon''': Tequila.
:'''Amanda''': (interview) I'm definitely asking Chef Ramsay to do a shot of tequila with me. It goes with the dish.
:'''Gordon''': And what's your dish?
:'''Amanda''': Margarita French toast with tequila lime butter.
:'''Gordon''': Show me? ''[looking at Amanda's dish]'' I thought you were joking. You're cooking a slice of fucking toast dipped in egg with...
:'''Amanda''': Tequila.
:'''Gordon''': ...to get me drunk.
:'''Amanda''': (interview) One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, four... (cuts to Amanda took a shot of tequila) Give me a lot more! Keep on going!
:''[Gordon was shocked at Amanda]''
:'''Lovely''': (interview) Are you kidding me? (laughs) Why would you do that?
:'''Gordon''': ''[raises a piece of toast with a knife]'' That's it? (brief pause) What the fuck were you doing for 42 minutes? Because that takes literally 3 minutes. SHOCKING!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Melinda''': We have a poached lobster and savory portobello mushrooms. (interview) My dish is very rich and succulent and luscious and velvety. You just feel what's happening on your mouth and the satisfaction that comes. ''[laughs]''
:''[Melinda lifts the lid off her dish, revealing that the mushrooms make up most of the dish, with just a few small chunks of lobster scattered around; Gordon is shocked]''
:'''Gordon''': Where's the lobster tail? ''[portions her dish]'' Where's the fucking tail?
:'''Melinda''': During the cooking process, I had some challenges.
:''[Gordon raises the &quot;tail&quot;]''
:'''Gordon''': Poached lobster tail, where's the fucking tail? ''[grabs Melinda's plate and throws it in the trash]'' Absolutely fucking pathetic!
:'''Sabrina Gresset''': (interview) Dang... That's another zero.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[Before dinner service]''
:'''Narrator''': But moments from opening, his optimism...
:'''Gordon''': ''[sees some fondants at the pass]'' Oh, dear. Who cooked these?
:'''Narrator''': ...begins to fade.
:'''Gordon''': Who cooked the fondants?
:'''Sabrina Gresset''': Lovely.
:'''Gordon''': ''[calls out Lovely]'' Lovely!
:'''Lovely''': Yes, chef?
:'''Gordon''': Which they're not... come here! Why these are cooked? We put it in the oven when the order comes on.
:'''Lovely''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': We haven't even opened yet and you cooked them.
:'''Tennille''': (interview) That's all we have to work with. We're fucking screwed.
:'''Gordon''': ''[raises one fondant]'' Look at that! ''[scoops the fondant and drops it]'' Look. It's like a fucking hockey puck. Oh, my God! We're not even opened yet and you screwed it up! What a fucking disaster!
:'''Sabrina Gresset''': (interview) That's it. The end.
:'''Gordon''': 'Get fffucked!!
:'''Suzanne''': (interview) Obviously I was thrown in a kitchen with a bunch of circus clowns!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[Gordon checks on scallops brought up by Jim]''
:'''Gordon''': Jim!
:'''Jim''': Yes, chef?
:'''Gordon''': Look at me. Three scallops cut in half means what?
:'''Jim''': Six pieces.
:'''Gordon''': I've got four! Are you doing this on purpose to get me going?
:'''Jim''': No.
:'''Dave''': (interview) Don't insult Chef Ramsay's intelligence.
:'''Gordon''': So look at me. Count to six for me.
:'''Jim''': 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.
:'''Gordon''': Louder!
:'''Jim''': 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6!
:'''Gordon''': THEN WAKE UP!!
:'''Jim''': Yes, chef. (interview) I just wasn't paying attention. Ones and twos, and threes and twos, and I thought I had yahtzee at one point.
:'''Gordon''': Jim, one minute out, drop six pieces of scallop.
:'''Jim''': Yes, chef.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[Gordon checks the scallops on Tek's station]''
:'''Gordon''': Look at this. I swear to God, ''[gets some scallops]'' it's the kind of shit you'd expect Tiger Woods to tee off with. Look at it. Rubber, rubber, RUBBER! ''[throws the scallops away]''
:'''Narrator''': But, they have to start over.
:'''Gordon''': (on Melinda's cappelini) It's limp and shit!
:'''Narrator''': And over.
:'''Gordon''': (on Tek's scallops) It's fucking raw!! ''[throws the scallops away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[Gordon notices Louie putting an unseasoned lamb in the oven]''
:'''Gordon''': Louie? Did you just put the lamb in the oven?
:'''Louie''': Yes, sir.
:'''Gordon''': OH, MY GOD! ''[calls out the entire team]'' Hey guys come here quick! At least you know, Louie's on entrées and the fucking lamb goes in the oven like that. No salt, no pepper, no seasoning, not even seared! ''[slams the lamb on the plate]'' (to Louie) Louie, why do we sear meat?
:'''Louie''': To lock in the juices, sir.
:'''Gordon''': To give it colour, to improve the flavour!
:'''Louie''': Sorry, sir.
:'''Jim''': (interview) You're a man. There's a primary instinct inside you that knows how to cook meat. You need to find it.
:'''Gordon''': Fucking hell!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
''[Gordon returns to the Red kitchen for the Red team's appetizers]''
:'''Gordon''': For the eighth time, can I have one fucking scallops and a fucking beautifully cooked capellini?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Gordon''': (on Melinda's capellini) Is that cooked? It looks undercooked.
:'''Melinda''': Is it cooked?
:'''Gordon''': (tastes the capellini) Not cooked.
:'''Melinda''': Not cooked?
:'''Gordon''': Nah, that's not cooked. Not cooked. (Melinda throws the undercooked capellini away) Oh, my God! Why did you throw that away, Melinda? Just put it back on the stove, put the lid on the top and, 30 seconds cooking it! What do you do, you just... trash it straight away!
:'''Sabrina Gresset''': (interview) Melinda... she had that deer-in-the-headlights look and that'll kill you.
:'''Gordon''': (Discovers a [[:wikipedia:Capellini|capellini]] thrown in the bin) Look at all this fucking... who's putting all this in the bin?! How many portions are you putting in there? How much is in the bin?! LOOK! '''LOOK!!!''' '''WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!'''
:'''Narrator''': An hour into dinner service and the red team has cooked ten appetizers. But unfortunately, none of them have made it to the dining room.
:'''Gordon''': (to Melinda) Hey, madam, ''how much capellini are you throwing away''? (Melinda doesn't reply) Look at it! What are you doing, Melinda?! What are you doing?!
:''[Melinda begins attempted interview and doesn't speak]''
:'''Gordon''': You're making me mad!
:'''Melinda''': Yes, Chef.
:'''Gordon''': Fucking mad!
:'''Melinda''': Yes, chef.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Salmon, lamb please, how long?
:'''Tennille''': Seven minutes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Hey, what's that piece of shit there?
:'''Suzanne''': It's supposed to be the salmon.
:'''Gordon''': Holy fuck! Look at that. It's like a... bison's penis - what is that shit? ''[opens up the salmon wrap, revealing the interior to be totally frozen]'' Look at that! Stone-cold, frozen salmon. Who put the salmon in the freezer?
:'''Amanda''': Me. I fucked it up. (interview) The salmon was my fault because I stuck it in the freezer instead of the fridge, and it was frozen.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, you fucked up, big time!
:'''Tek''': All the salmon's the same, I think we should try and fix it.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, 'cos she's wrapped it frozen.
:'''Heather''': And we have five on order.
:'''Gordon''': We've got five on order?
:'''Heather''': Five on order.
:'''Gordon''': (to Amanda) Hey, ditzy! Great job!
:'''Amanda''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, fuck off.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gordon checks on lamb brought up by Louie]''
:'''Gordon''': Louie! ''[raises a chewed up piece of lamb]'' Wh... what is that?! What is that?! Did you bite that? Look! That's one, that's the other! It's on the same fucking table!!!
:'''Joseph''': (interview) Louie's lost. He's out of his league.
:''[Gordon discovers that Louie has wasted a huge amount of lamb]''
:'''Gordon''': What's all that lamb here? Look at this! Hey, Van! You and Joseph! Stop! Look... at... this! Look! LOOK! '''LOOK!!!''' '''WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!''' '''LOUIE!'''
:'''Louie''': Yes, sir?
:'''Gordon''': Fuck off back there! '''GET OUT!!!''' YES, get '''FUCKED''', pile of '''SHIT!''' Hey, get upstairs, get your bags packed...
:'''Louie''': Can I help? Can I help in the kitchen?
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, you can help me: '''GET OUT!!!'''
:'''Louie''': (interview) You want me out? You want me to pack my fuckin' bags? I'm out. My bags are packed. YOU CAN '''KISS''' - '''MY''' - '''FUCKING''' - '''ASS!!!'''
:'''Narrator''': With the kitchen at a complete standstill, Chef Ramsay is left with no choice.
:'''Gordon''': (to Joseph) Switch it OFF!
:'''Joseph''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': (to the red team) Fuck off!
:'''Tennille''': (interview) Anybody sitting at home thinking they can do this...Good luck. It's tough.
:'''Joseph''': (interview) I've never had a dinner service like that. It was a complete and utter nightmare.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gordon sits with Robert at one of the tables]''
:'''Gordon''': First of all, it's bloody good to see you. Yes.
:'''Robert''': Thank you, chef. Thank you.
:'''Gordon''': You lost your opportunity due to health reasons... right now, I'd love you to seriously consider ''[pause for effect]'' coming back into Hell's Kitchen.
:'''Robert''': (interview) I've a second chance, and you know, you don't get many second chances in life. ''[to Gordon]'' I would love to take that offer. ''[applause from the other tables]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Melinda was completely lost in space. So I sent her back to whatever planet she came from.

=== Episode Two [6.02] ===

:''[During the Blue Team's reward where they are having Shrimp Cocktails with Gordon]''
:'''Gordon''': Enjoy it.
:'''Dave''': It's a treat to be sitting here by Chef and not being screamed at.
:'''Gordon''': Trust me, each and every service, you're going to get stronger. Have you any idea how much shit I've taken in the kitchen? And the more I took, the better I became.
:'''Joseph''': (interview) What am I learning by shooting shit? Nothing. What gets accomplished by running your mouth? Not a thing.
:'''Joseph''': I didn't come here for lunches you know. That's not what I'm here for. I'm not going to lose my eye on the prize.
:'''Dave''': Well, we're fired up too, man. I'm not relaxing because I get to have a good nice lunch with the chef.
:'''Joseph''': It's good to get out but I don't really care.
:'''Dave''': (interview) Joseph, he's a complete dick. He's a little hotheaded, and he's being a little too intense in the way he disrespects Chef Ramsay.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Jean-Philippe returns to the pass after seeing Van serving tableside to a Red diner]''
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Chef, he's going to the wrong table.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, no. VAN, COME HERE!!
:'''Van''': (to a Red diner) I'm going to get yelled at right now, but I'll be right back. ''[returns to the pass]'' (to Gordon) Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': That's the Red table. You're running the Blue. Hey Bozo, give me one scampi special on the right table.
:'''Van''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Thank you! (to Jean-Philippe) Hey, what's the matter between you two?
:'''Jean-Philippe''': There's a language barrier there.
:'''Gordon''': What do you mean a language barrier? He's speaking English, you dick!
:'''Jean-Philippe''': I know, but he's from Texas. ''[Gordon rolls his tongue around]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jean-Philippe''': (to Van) Don't run in the restaurant, please?
:'''Van''': (interview) Jean-Philippe better stop trying to tell me what to do. I know that.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': I'm going to explode. I'm going to explode, my friend! Listen to me!
:'''Tony''': (interview) WHOA, WHOA! JP! He's about to like pound him down. DAMN!
:'''Jean-Philippe''': (to Van and even turns red) Listen! Listen! '''LISTEN TO ME!!'''
:'''Andy''': (interview) I cannot believe I'm seeing this.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Listen to me!
:'''Kevin''': (interview) He's going to fucking hit him.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': (to Van) We have a problem here!
:'''Jim''': (interview) Hit him!
:'''Van''': (to Jean-Philippe) Don't touch me, bro! You better get out of my face! (JP pushes Van)
:''[Gordon saw JP and Van fighting; becomes furious]''
:'''Gordon''': OI!! Hey, stop! Hey both of you, come here! (referring Van) Bozo, both of you, come here! NOW!
:'''Van''': I'm going to fuck you up, bro. (interview) We're going to get it down and it's going to be a first round knockout.
:'''Gordon''': What's is going on?
:'''Jean-Philippe''': (referring Van) He's got no respect, Chef.
:'''Gordon''': DON'T SHOUT! WE'RE IN FRONT OF THE CUSTOMERS NOW!!!
:'''Van''': I'm sorry, Chef.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': He's not respecting his dining room, Chef.
:'''Van''': (interview) Bitch, shut the fuck up. He thinks he's some kind of boss man around here and he ain't nothing.
:'''Gordon''': (to Van) Calm down, listen to him. (to Jean-Philippe) And you, pay a little bit to respect. ''[points to Van]'' And if you do your job, ''[points to Jean-Philippe]'' And if you do your job, we'll come together. 'Cause right now, you're turning the whole place upside down, are you going to do it?
:'''Jean-Philippe''': (referring Van) If he listens to me.
:'''Gordon''': (to Jean-Philippe) ARE YOU GOING TO DO IT?
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Yes, I will if he listens to me.
:'''Gordon''': (to Van) ARE YOU GOING TO DO IT?
:'''Van''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Last chance.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': ''[Letting Van out of the pantry first]'' Ladies first.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Where's the chicken?
:'''Andy''': Just a second. I'll cook it a little bit more.
:'''Gordon''': ''[sees what Andy is doing]'' Oh, no. Oh, dear. We're cutting up a piece of chicken and frying it off. What do you think it is, chicken nuggets? OI!! Come here you! Now you've cut them up like bits of chicken nugget, and fryin' them off?
:'''Andy''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You fuckin' donkey!!
:'''Joseph''': (interview) Andy, if you're sitting there all night long with a meat thermometer on your arm, why are you not checking the chickens? What the fuck is it doing on your arm? It don't look good on you.
:'''Gordon''': ''[grabs Andy's pan]'' Is that how you cook in Whistler?
:'''Andy''': No, chef.
:'''Gordon''': So why are you cooking it like it now?!
:'''Andy''': I made a mistake chef.
:''[Gordon throws the pan into the sink]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
''[Gordon asks for chicken in the Red kitchen]''
:'''Gordon''': One roasted crown chicken!
:'''Sabrina Gresset''': Yes, chef. I'm ready for it.
:'''Gordon''': ''[sees that the chicken is burnt]'' It's burnt, the chicken!
:'''Sabrina Gresset''': Is it?
:'''Gordon''': It's crispy and burnt! Oh, my God!
:'''Sabrina Gresset''': Damn!
:'''Gordon''': ''[calls the Blue team]'' Hey, come here you! All of you! Both kitchens are down and they're waiting. So we're standing here and we got fuck all going out! Nothing! That's where I draw the line. I'm about to do something I've never done before in Hell's Kitchen!
:'''Dave''': (interview) It's a desperate time. I don't know what's going to happen. For all I know, we're all going home.
:'''Gordon''': I have no option now! There's one fucking thing that you can do here, it's a fucking shrimp cocktail. Do you know why? Cause it's not cooked! Give me a fucking shrimp cocktail!
:'''Suzanne''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Give me some shrimp cocktails now. Jean-Philippe! I'm serving shrimp cocktail. At least they're going to get something to eat! Hey you, nothing cooked! Nothing seasoned! Crushed ice in a glass with ketchup!
:'''Sabrina Gresset''': (interview) When Chef Ramsay says &quot;You know what, stop cooking and just send out cold stuff!&quot; That's embarrassing.
:'''Gordon''': Let's go. Shrimp cocktail. Let's go.
:'''Narrator''': With no cooking required...
:'''Van''': GO! GO!! GO!!!
:'''Narrator''': ...both kitchens...
:'''Sabrina Gresset''': Five more right here.
:'''Narrator''': ...manage to get shrimp cocktail to the dining room.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': With the compliments of Chef Ramsay.
:'''Lady''': A shrimp kind of night. Isn't it?
:'''Gordon''': Hey ladies, come here. Hey, come here! Come here!
:'''Tony''': (interview) Everybody's like freaking out! Like Chef Ramsay's going to walk over with a fricking machine gun and like ''[imitates a machine gun]'' blow us all away!
:'''Gordon''': The entire fucking dining room has shrimp cocktail. That's a first for me! You just turned my restaurant into a shrimp stand! And what's the point of going on? Shut it down!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:''[After a disastrous dinner service in which both teams lost, the Red team has already nominated Lovely and Tennille for elimination, and the Blue team is about to nominate two of its chefs]''
:'''Gordon''': Blue team. Joseph: let's be honest, that's a pretty sorry battalion you got there, isn't it.
:'''Joseph''': Right now it is.
:'''Gordon''': Who's the first nominee for the men?
:'''Joseph''': They can speak for themselves but they know who they are.
:'''Gordon''': Hey smartass, I asked ''you'' to tell me. Who's the first nominee, and why?
:'''Joseph''': No problem: Tony, and Andy.
:'''Gordon''': Listen... I know you may be slightly stupid. First nominee and why?
:'''Joseph''': First nominee and why? Tony. He knows why. We sat down as a group and they wouldn't pick each other. You know. No peer pressure! We're men!
:'''Gordon''': Just, just just - what do you want, a fucking medal?
:'''Joseph''': What do you want me to fuckin' say? What do you want me to say? They know who they fuckin' are. We chose as a group and they stand out and they said they belong there. Stand up, they know who they are.
:'''Gordon''': ''[approaches Joseph]'' Listen, you chippy idiot. I asked for one nominee and why, plain English. And you're mouthing off, and you couldn't answer me. Now can you just tell me, in fucking plain English, the first nominee, and why he's nominated. Is that fucking clear?!
:'''Joseph''': That's clear!
:'''Gordon''': Thank you! ''[walks back]'' Unbelievable! One simple request, who and why, and you make a big fucking song and dance about it!
:'''Joseph''': I ain't no fuckin' bitch, chef! I don't give a fuck. I ain't no bitch!
:'''Gordon''': ...what???
:'''Joseph''': I'm not no bitch!
:'''Robert''': He's trying to bring the best out of you. You got to look past it.
:'''Joseph''': He's not bringing the best out of me.
:'''Ariel''': Yeah, show some respect.
:'''Joseph''': Shut your fuckin' mouth is what you should do right now.
:'''Suzanne''': Come on, man!
:'''Joseph''': I'm talkin' here. I don't give a fuck about you. I didn't come here for you.
:'''Suzanne''': You want to be an executive chef, Joe?
:'''Joseph''': Shut your fuckin' mouth!
:'''Gordon''': Oh, my God!
:'''Tek''': You signed up to fucking learn and grow, and...
:'''Joseph''': Yeah, shut your fuckin' mouth.
:'''Tek''': ...you do this, dude!
:'''Gordon''': Okay! Answer the fucking question!
:'''Joseph''': You keep talkin' like this, I'll have you out in the fuckin' parking lot! I don't give a fuck. What do you want me to say?
:'''Gordon''': I ask the fucking questions, YOU give the fucking answers!
:'''Joseph''': ''[takes off his jacket and walks out of the line]'' Fuck that shit, dawg. I ain't here for that! ''[approaches Gordon and tosses his jacket at him]'' You want a fuckin' jacket? You want talk some shit? Let's go step outside, mo'fucker! ''[gets in Gordon's face]'' I ain't here for that, dawg!

=== Episode Three [6.03] ===

''[continuing the confrontation from the episode before. A couple of guards step in to separate Joseph from Gordon.]
:'''Joseph''': Want to talk about fuckin' fighting?
:'''Gordon''': Oh wow.
:'''Joseph''': Want to get fuckin' rough?
:'''Gordon''': You think I'm scared? Ah? Look at you.
:'''Joseph''': Yeah, keep talking for the fuckin' cameras.
:'''Gordon''': You've just blown your - Yeah, fuck the cameras.
:'''Joseph''': Yeah?
:'''Gordon''': Yeah.
:'''Joseph''': Let's go step outside!
:'''Gordon''': Out in front here? I asked you one simple question, and you couldn't fucking answer me. And then you want to get all tough and up close and personal.
:'''Joseph''': Fuck you.
:'''Gordon''': There you go.
:'''Joseph''': You ain't none but a bitch.
:'''Gordon''': You've got no respect.
:'''Joseph''': No respect?
:'''Gordon''': Now get out.
:'''Joseph''': Fuck you. You fuckin' bitch! ''[Double flips off the chefs]'' Fuck all y'all! Right? ''[the guards lead him out, he trips over the step]''
:'''Gordon''': Watch the step.
:'''Joseph''': Yeah, watch the step, bitch.
:'''Gordon''': What an idiot. Total, total shame. ''[kicks Joseph's jacket up to the table]''
:'''Joseph''': (outside the restaurant) I don't need this and that. I don't need some limey - fuckin' - prick - talking to me like that. Without skippin' a beat, I'll go back home, I'll work! Anybody who fuckin' hires me to work in their kitchen, they'll be proud to have me there! FUCK HIM! FUCK HIM.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': (after sparing Lovely and Tennille from elimination) Now listen up: Because Joseph took himself out of the competition, tonight you get a gift--and I'm not sending anybody home. Last chance.
:'''Chefs''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Understand?
:'''Chefs''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': And I've got one more thing to say to you - in fact, to you all: (in Joseph's tone) I'm nobody's bitch. (everyone laughs)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Gordon''': Amanda!
:'''Amanda''': Yes, Chef!
:'''Gordon''': Twelve threes?
:'''Amanda''': Nine! (that was the correct answer when she incorrectly made eight lamb chops [three portions of three, but she incorrectly said the answer to that question four times])
:''[Everyone laughs]''
:'''Gordon''': Oh, my God!
:'''Amanda''': Thirty-six chef. Thirty-six, I'm sorry, Chef.

=== Episode Four [6.04] ===

:''[The blue team has to clean up the dorms as punishment]''
:'''Robert''': Right now, I just want to win a challenge. I want to win. All through my life I hear bullshit. People thinking shit I'm too fat, too slow, too this, too that. I ain't about to be a loser, I hate it.
:'''Scott Leibfried''': Good, Robert. That's how you should feel. It just kinda sucks that the intensity is coming out during being punished and not neccessarily during...
:'''Robert''': You know, chef I...Fuck!
:'''Scott Leibfried''': Well Robert, what do you want me to tell you? You could've won, you didn't. But you know, the competitive parts should come out during that time and not afterwards.
:'''Robert''': (throws his broom down) I fucking almost died last time for this shit! Don't tell me I ain't giving my fucking 110%! Dancing around like fucking Fred Astaire all fucking day!! LAST SEASON, '''I ALMOST FUCKING DIED FOR THIS SHIT!!''' AND I'M HERE AGAIN AND I FUCKING DON'T WANT TO LOSE IT!! (Breaks his broom)

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[both teams are coming down to the wire during service]''
:'''Gordon''': Where's the chicken?!
:'''Robert''': Come on! Come on!
:'''Andy''': (rushing with the chicken) Coming right behind you. Go now!
:'''Scott Leibfried''': Hey, fucking nitwit, that is fucking raw.
:'''Robert''': Oh man! (interview) Here we go again!
:'''Scott Leibfried''': (gets in Andy's face) You get that ready by the time the rest of the fucking table is ready to go! You got it?!
:'''Andy''': Yes, chef.
:'''Scott Leibfried''': GO!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[After a solid good dinner service for the second time in a row]''
:'''Gordon''': Right, no close. Ladies, you've beaten by the sides.
:'''Suzanne''': (raises her right hand) Chef, can I get play-by-play on that?
:'''Gordon''': Yeah first of all, okay? I'm telling you, straight to your face, you lost. And you, one more thing, you do have one more member than the men, they did it with eleven arms. No play-by-play, take it on the fucking chin, with a little bit of respect. End of fucking story.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gordon''': If people were named for their cooking, her name wouldn't be Lovely. It would be Useless.

=== Episode Five [6.05] ===

''[Gordon checks on lobster brought by Amanda]''
:'''Gordon''': Oh, come on. This is not possible! ''(returns to the workstation)'' Come here! All of you, come here!
:'''Amanda Davenport''': (interview) Whatever it is, it's not my fault.
:'''Gordon''': This is not fucking possible! This cannot be true! ''[gets a piece of lobster]'' What is that there? What is that there?! WHAT IS THAT?!
:'''Suzanne''': This is---.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, its fucking raw! '''RAW!!''' ''[kicks the bins]''
:'''Tennille''': (interview) Come on, Amanda! All you have to do is put the lobster on the grill, make sure it didn't char, baste it and send it up. That's all you had to do!
:'''Gordon''': It's a fucking restaurant, not a sushi bar! How can you get confused on a raw fucking grilled lobster?! I don't know where to go! I can't even turn and look at the dining room, I'm so fucking embarrassed! This is still your first table... ''(points to the Blue kitchen)'' that's their last! FUCK OFF!! '''WE HAVEN'T SENT AN ENTRÉE OUT!! STUPID COWS!!!''' ''[crosses over to the Blue kitchen, where the men are starting to clear down]'' Oh, fucking hell... Hey, have you all finished?
:'''Andy''': Desserts chef.
:'''Gordon''': Desserts? Kevin, stay on desserts. All of you, come in here! Hey guys, get on a section will you, please, yes?
:''[The Blue team goes over to the Red kitchen and started working]''
:'''Tennille''': (interview) AWWW! Add insult to injury, rub salt in the wound, what... just... happened?
:'''Gordon''': Away now: Two penne, three New York Strip, two chicken, one catfish!
:'''Blue Team''': Yes, chef!
:'''Robert''': (interview) AAAAAAAAGH! YEEAAAAH BOOOOOYS! (cups his ear) That's right. I can hear it. It's them bitches crying!
:'''Tennille''': Do you need anything?
:'''Jim''': No, I'm cool. (interview) It was just scraps of meat, everywhere. It was a kitchen-pocalypse. Like a hand grenade went off in a cow's ass.

=== Episode Six [6.06] ===

:''[In the final round of the health food challenge]''
:'''Gordon''': Gentlemen, I can't wait for a fantastic dessert. I hope it's substantial. You've probably saved the best until last.
:''[Dave carries the platter with the blue team's dessert over to Ramsay]''
:'''Amanda Davenport''': (interview) Man, that had better be a giant piece of chocolate something, to beat us!
:'''Kevin''': (interview) I was worried, the girls had some really nice stuff. This has got to kick some ass.
:'''Andy''': (interview) I make an apple fruit compote every day of my life. No problem.
:''[Dave lifts the lid on his platter, and Ramsay instantly starts laughing]''
:'''Gordon''': Oh, come on! What is that?
:'''Dave''': (interview) When Chef Ramsay laughed, it definitely like, stung. I felt like a loser. (Ramsay samples the dessert) Chef, we have an egg white crepe filled with a fruit compote, and we have a blackberry and vanilla yoghurt cream.
:'''Gordon''': It tastes... foul! That's the kind of crap they serve when you have a heart bypass or an ulcer operation, that is a joke! Back in line, Dave.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Tennille brings her mashed potatoes to the pass]''
:'''Gordon''': ''[finds that the mashed potato was under-portioned]'' Oh, no. ''(returns to the workstation)'' Tennille! That's my two portions of mash, look at that. That's the way I get treated. ''(shows the mashed potatoes)'' What the fuck is that! ''[throws the pan down]'' Fuck off will you, yeah?
:'''Tennille''': (interview) I take something up to the pass, it's too much - take something else, it's not enough - he's just got to find something to bitch about!
:'''Gordon''': And what'd you want me to do, scoop round inside?
:'''Tennille''': I thought I was over-portioning again, chef.
:'''Gordon''': You're so bizarre - whether this is a joke or an act for you, let me just tell you something: you act pathetically. Why did you send me that pan with no mashed potato in there?
:'''Tennille''': Chef, the other orders you said I over-portioned chef, so I put up--
:'''Gordon''': So now you've gone back the other way with fuck-all in there! Is that clear?!
:'''Tennille''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': Good! You're upset now?
:'''Tennille''': Yeah, I'm fuckin' pissed off!
:'''Gordon''': I'm fucking glad you are! 'cause you're crap!
:'''Tennille''': ''You're'' crap. (interview) I'm sick, I'm sick of his shit, man! You're not going to keep talking to me like that!
:'''Gordon''': Hey, madam, madam. Get out.
:'''Tennillle''': Yes, no problem, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Get fucking out.
:'''Tennille''': Oh, I'm out!
:'''Sabrina Gresset''': Oh, no!
:'''Gordon''': Get the fuck out of here!
:'''Tennille''': Fuck you... fuck you! (interview) Right now, I'm pissed off and I'm trying to maintain my cool for slapping him in his jaw.
:'''Sabrina Gresset''': Thanks a lot, Tennille. (interview) Now we have to work her station. Thanks a lot!
:''[Gordon follows Tennille to the back area, following her walk-out]''
:'''Gordon''': Hey!
:'''Tennille''': Busting my ass for you!
:'''Gordon''': That's right. That's right.
:'''Tennille''': Busting my ass for you!
:'''Gordon''': You're not, you're lying.
:'''Tennille''': YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT!!
:'''Gordon''': You're lying.
:'''Tennille''': I'M BUSTING MY ASS! GET OFF MY BACK!
:'''Gordon''': Get off your back? Who the fuck-- You're lying.
:'''Tennille''': GET OFF MY BACK! I'M BUSTING MY ASS, YOU KNOW I AM! LET ME DO MY JOB!
:'''Gordon''': Don't you dare turn around and tell me that I'm fucking crap--
:'''Tennille''': You know off my ass!
:'''Gordon''': --or you FUCK OFF through those doors! That's right!
:'''Tennille''': You can dish it, but you can't take it?! ''[pushes over a rack of trays]''
:'''Gordon''': Hey, madam, what are you doing?
:'''Tennille''': COME ON, LET ME IN THE KITCHEN! JUST LET ME IN THE KITCHEN!
:'''Gordon''': Listen to me, you're not-
:'''Tennille''': It's not good enough for you, man!
:'''Gordon''': You're not listening to me! Shut your fat fucking mouth and listen to me! The potatoes are--
:'''Tennille''': I'm trying to learn from you!
:'''Gordon''': You're not learning, you're only opening your fat mouth!
:'''Tennille''': I am! I am! You're the one who's trying to--
:'''Gordon''': Shut up, then! Shut up! Are you going to keep it shut? (Tennille doesn't reply) Are you going to keep it shut?
:'''Tennille''': Shut.
:'''Gordon''': Good! If you can't hack it, fuck off. If you can, get back in there! ''[Tennille returns to the kitchen]'' Hey madam!
:'''Tennille''': Yes, Chef!
:'''Gordon''': Come here! I want an answer!
:'''Tennille''': I'm on my way back into the kitchen, CHEF!
:'''Gordon''': Good! Let's go.
:''[Tennille returns to the kitchen, where Amanda and Suzanne have taken over the garnishes]''
:'''Tennille''': GET OFF MY STATION, PLEASE!! What's working?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': (After eliminating Jim from Hell's Kitchen) Big man, let me tell you something. I can teach a chef how to cook but I can't give you a heart. You're not the Tin Man and I'm not the fucking Wizard of Oz.

=== Episode Seven [6.07] ===
:'''Gordon:''' All of you, come here! Come here! Come here! Come here! (to Kevin) Hey, Kevin, you're starting to piss me off! '''PUT IT DOWN!''' When I ask you to stop with you're doing, you better fucking stop it! Come here! Cocky! OUT OF THE WAY! (holds a cooked rabbit) Fucking raw! (throws the cooked rabbit on the floor) (Kevin) Happy now? You're standing there tossing your tagliatelle to make yourself look good, I'm serving raw rabbit, Chef?
:'''Kevin:''' Understood, chef.
:'''Gordon:''' (to Robert) You? Fuck off!
:'''Robert:''' Yeah. Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon:''' DON'T START ACTING LIKE A BABY OVER IT!
:'''Robert:''' I'M NOT ACTING LIKE-!
:'''Gordon:''' SHUT IT! SWITCH IT OFF! ALL OF YOU, YOU'RE DONE!
:'''Dave:''' Fuck!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robert:''' (interview) (after blue team lost the dinner service) Yes, I have bad service. But I do not deserve to go home. Because people here, but Andy has better than me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon:''' Robert, tell me why do think you should stay in Hell's Kitchen on the back of that performance?
:'''Robert:''' My history here in Hell's Kitchen never been on the block once. And I'm disgusted that I even share the same fucking stage this guy (Andy) right here. Been here three times not bad for the team always fucking around.

=== Episode Eight [6.08] ===

:''[Jean-Philippe returns to the pass with lamb]''
:'''Gordon''': Oh, fucking hell... What's the matter?
:'''Jean-Philippe''': Raw, chef.
:'''Gordon''': What?
:'''Jean-Philippe''': It's not cooked.
:'''Gordon''': Oh, fucking hell. Sabrina!
:'''Sabrina Gresset''': Yes, chef?
:'''Gordon''': Look, raw! Like you're still running around in the fucking field! Is that on purpose?!
:'''Sabrina Greset''': No, chef!
:'''Gordon''': So '''WHY?!'''
:'''Sabrina Gresset''': (interview) I should have stuck to my grounds when I said it wasn't ready. I said we can't go and Suzanne forced me to go. Suzy fucked me.
:'''Gordon''': Hey madam! Madam, come here! (gives her the lamb) Take that. 
:'''Sabrina Gresset''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Inconsistent, dry lamb on the outside, raw in the centre! Fuck off and eat it! (leads Sabrina to the dining room) There you go! Taste your own medicine! '''PISS OFF!!'''
:'''Sabrina Gresset''': Thank you, chef.

=== Episode Nine [6.09] ===
:'''Andy:''' Ah! (hurts his finger when slicing a potato) Fuck me!
:'''Scott Leibfried:''' Medic! I need a medic!
:'''Dave:''' Are you serious?
:'''Andy:''' Aahhh! It's just a cut, second on the middle thumb, middle finger. It's getting in the fingers too.
:'''Dave:''' (interview) Andy liked the tipped off his fingers more literally taken off. It was so deep and so horrible.
:'''Medical crew:''' (Dispatching to the paramedics) I have Andy. He needs to go to the clinic and needs stitches on its all three fingers.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Andy:''' I'll finish two crepes.
:'''Kevin:''' (interview) Andy was just fucking up all night long. He's just turn into a disaster. (to Andy) Bring one crepe up, and I'll follow with another.
:'''Gordon:''' Andy, what aren't you doing anything?
:'''Andy:''' He's (Kevin) assisting me, chef.
:'''Gordon:''' You're not assisting him, you're doing it! And he's standing there watching you. (to Andy) Hey, you! Hey, come here! Do me a favour: FUCK OFF! UPSTAIRS! GET OUT! PISS OFF! ''(to the remaining members of the Blue team)'' Anyone who acts like a fucking idiot can piss off! (to Van) Hello! Are you listening?
:'''Van:''' I'm listening chef.
:'''Gordon:''' Next fucking person out! Concentrate!
:'''Blue team:''' Yes, chef!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Gordon checks on lamb brought up by Suzanne]''
:'''Gordon''': Fuck me. (returns to the workstation) Come here, both (Sabrina Gresset and Suzanne) of you! It's requested med-rare! All of you, come here! Touch that! Yeah, touch that! Touch that - YOU (Sabrina) TOUCH IT AS WELL!! What is that?!
:'''Suzanne''': Medium-well, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Medium-well?
:'''Suzanne''': Well-done, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Yeah, hey! Overcooked!
:'''Suzanne''': (interview) I overcooked liked an entire pan of lamb. Oh, it's terrible!
:'''Gordon''': (slams the plates down) Medium-well? And... that's well done? (to Suzanne and Sabrina) Well-done to you! And well-done to you! I can't believe just how inconsistent you are!! Do me a favour: You and you FUCK OFF UPSTAIRS! GET OUT!! Both of you!
:'''Tennille''': (interview) Holy shit! He's going to shut us down!
:'''Gordon''': Get out! Get out!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kevin Cottle:''' (interview) (after escape elimination) We don't want Suzanne (moved to blue team), we don't want her all. But it doesn't matter what jacket Suzanne has all on me. She's going to go home just like anybody else. I will be the last man standing.

=== Episode Ten [6.10] ===

:''[Gordon has found out that Van has brought up 7 scallops instead of 6]''
:'''Gordon''': Van, come here! Straight away! Two three's are what?
:'''Van''': Two three's?
:'''Gordon''': Two times three?
:'''Van''': Two three's?
:'''Gordon''': Two three's are what? Two times three?
:'''Van''': (interview) I'm kind of confused on that right now. (to Gordon) What?
:'''Gordon''': Van!
:'''Van''': I don't understand chef.
:'''Gordon''': You don't understand two times three?
:'''Van''': (interview) I can count, yes. (to Gordon) Yeah, it's six.
:'''Gordon''': So you gave me seven--
:'''Van''': I gave you an extra. I'm sorry, it won't happen again.
:'''Gordon''': Dumbo!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gordon sees the halibut was raw]''
:'''Gordon:''' Come here, all of us! Just come here! Come here, all of you! Look, it's not... it's just... no, it's not about &quot;oh&quot;! (angrily smashes the halibut on the plate after someone says &quot;oh&quot; in disappointment) it's not about that!
:'''Dave:''' (interview) Oh... damn! Halibut splurged all over my face and like I have little tiny like bits of halibut in my eyes.

=== Episode Eleven [6.11] ===

:'''Gordon''': Van, so you started to sear on the sea bass. Come here! Quick and you leave it there! You're searing a sea bass!
:'''Van''': It's big.
:'''Gordon''': '''LISTEN TO ME!!!'''
:'''Van''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': We haven't sent the appetisers!
:'''Van''': (interview) HERE WE GO AGAIN! NEW FUCKING NIGHT!
:'''Gordon''': (to Van) Hey! I'm watching you like a horn fucking eagle! Poissonier! Let's go.
:''[Van begins to cook scallops]''
:'''Van''': Coming up, chef.
:'''Gordon''': Scallops!
:'''Van''': Coming right now, chef. ''[beads of sweat fell on his scallops]''
:'''Gordon''': Van! VAN! NO, NO, STOP! Come here, you're sweating in the food!
:'''Van''': It's hot, chef.
:'''Gordon''': I know it's fucking hot!! (throws his spoon down) YOU'RE SWEATING IN THE FOOD!
:'''Van''': (interview) Man, I was sweating my ass off. (flashback of sweat fell on his scallops) I own there to win the food.
:'''Gordon''': (to Van) What's wrong with you? Serve them? By the way, you can touch on there that one. Look at me, help me out of here!
:'''Van''': (interview) I'm not going to bust my ass, bro. I'm sweating my ass off! (to Gordon) I'm working that I can do for you chef.
:'''Gordon''': You're sweating in the food, Van.
:'''Van''': (interview) He makes me look like a bitch constantly.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Gordon finds a lettuce burning on Ariel's station]''
:'''Gordon''': ''(gets Ariel's garnish pan)'' Just stop! Come here, come here. '''ALL OF YOU, COME HERE!!'''
:'''Dave''': Yes, chef!
:'''Gordon''': (points to Ariel) You!
:'''Ariel''': I'm sorry, chef. I turned around for a minute.
:'''Gordon''': Look!
:'''Ariel''': (interview) That lettuce, I didn't even know the fucking burner was on. (to Gordon) Sorry, chef.
:'''Gordon''': What the fuck are you doing?! In front of your fucking eyes!! ''(throws the pan in the bin)'' This is not possible! '''NOT GOOD ENOUGH ARIEL!!'''
:'''Ariel''': Yes, chef.
:'''Gordon''': ''(holds up a piece of burnt lettuce)'' WHO THE FUCK'S GOING TO EAT THAT?!! (throws it in the bin)

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[after Ariel burned the lettuce, Gordon has reached his breaking point]''
:'''Gordon''': Scott, clear out, come here. Fuck off. Fuck me. [he and Sous-Chef Scott exits the kitchen and restaurant]
:'''Van''': Is that it? Or what?
:'''Gordon''': Fuck that. Absolutely fuck that.
:'''Sous-Chef Scott''': Not worth it.
:'''Gordon''': Fuck them.
:'''Dave''': What the hell is going on here?
:'''Gordon''': Can't take it any more. I cannot take it any more. Un-fucking real. Oh, fuck me. That's a first.
:'''Jean-Philippe''': They're gone. So, are they coming back?
:'''Gordon''': I can't take it anymore. Oh, dear.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Gordon and Sous-Chef Scott return to the kitchen; Gordon calls Van, Ariel and Suzanne to the pass]''
:'''Gordon''': ''(to Kevin in the dining room)'' Kevin, now.
:'''Kevin''': (interview) Oh, shit. Here we go.
:'''Gordon''': Urgently, Kevin. Let's go. (Kevin enters the kitchen) I've never done that. No-one's ever pushed me that far to fucking just disappear in my own fucking restaurant. Nobody! (to Van, Ariel and Suzanne) You, you, you. Fuck off, will you, yeah?! Get out of here! Just get out! All of you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gordon''': Van may have been a ''poissonier'', but his performance on fish was anything but ''Van''tastic.

=== Episode Twelve [6.12] ===

:'''Gordon''': Suzanne had a red jacket, she had a blue jacket, she had a black jacket. Now she has no jacket.

[[Category:Hell's Kitchen seasons]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>The Lorax (2012 film)</title>
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'''''[[w:The Lorax (film)|Dr. Seuss's The Lorax]]''''' is a 2012 American [[w:computer animation|computer-animated]] [[w:List of 3-D films|3D]] [[w:musical film|musical]] [[w:comedy film|comedy film]] based on [[Dr. Seuss]]' [[w:children's book|children's book]] [[w:The Lorax|of the same name]]. The film stars [[w:Danny DeVito|Danny DeVito]], [[w:Ed Helms|Ed Helms]], [[w:Zac Efron|Zac Efron]], [[Taylor Swift]], [[w:Rob Riggle|Rob Riggle]], [[w:Jenny Slate|Jenny Slate]], and [[w:Betty White|Betty White]]. It was produced by {{w|Illumination Entertainment}} and was released by {{w|Universal Pictures}} on March 2, 2012, what would have been the 108th birthday of Seuss, who died at age 87 in the year 1991. To be clear, any quotes from the film version that are not taken directly from the book may not have been written by Dr. Seuss.

:''Directed by Chris Renaud. Screenplay by Cinco Paul and Ken Daurio. Produced by Chris Meledandri and Janet Healy.''

== The Lorax ==
* I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees.
* Who taught you guys how to steal a bed?
* ''[notices Pipsqueak on the Once-ler’s bed]'' You gotta be kidding me. ''[to another Bar-ba-loot]'' Can he swim? ''[the Bar-ba-loot shakes his head]'' Of course he can't swim! Hang on, Pipsqueak! I'm comin' to get ya!
* ''[after seeing Pipsqueak take and eat a truffula fruit]'' Ugh, bar-ba-loots.
* ''[To the Once-ler]'' A tree falls in the way it leans. Be careful which way you lean.

== Ted ==
* ''[referring to Audrey; to The Once-ler]'' Hey, she is not some girlǃ She's a woman… in high school… and she loves trees, and I'm gonna get her one.
* I am Ted Wiggins, and I speak for the trees. And the fact is, things aren't perfect here in Thneedville! And they're only gonna get worse unless we do something about it! Unless we change our ways, we can start by planting ''this''! ''[holds up the truffula seed]''

== Audrey ==
* ''[Referring to her mural]'' Those are trees. ''Real ones.'' They used to grow all around here. And people said that the touch of their tufts was softer than anything, even silk. And they smelled like butterfly milk.
* What I want more than anything in the whole world is to see a real living tree, growing in my backyard.

== The Once-ler ==
* ''[He puts on a pair of work gloves and grabs a large axe]'' Alright, here we go. About to make a Thneed, about to change the world.
* Check it out, guys. ''[looks around, noticing all of the animals are gone]'' Where did everybody go? ''[shrugs, then grabs the tree by the trunk and drags it away toward his cottage]''
* Little did I know that by chopping down that tree I had just summoned a mystical creature as old as time itself. The legendary, slightly annoying guardian of the forest. The Lorax.
* ''[admiring his first thneed]'' Now that's a thneed! Nothing unmanly about knitting. No sir!
* Oh, yeah! We're in business, baby! ''[closing Everybody Needs a Thneed]'' Mom? Hey, it's me! I told you I was going to be a success! You need to bring the whole family here right now. We're going to be rich! What? I'm going to need all the help I can get. Don't worry.
* ''[closing How Bad Can I Be]'' All the customers are buying, and the money's multiplying, and the PR people are lying, ''[A Thneed is thrown on the Lorax as a picture is taken. A billboard featuring the picture reads &quot;Lorax Approved&quot;]'' and the lawyers are denying. Who cares if a few trees are dying? This is all so gratifying! How bad, how bad can this possibly be?!
* ''[To Ted]'' Because Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better... It's not.
* ''[To Ted; referring to the last Truffula seed]'' Plant the seed in the middle of town where everyone can see! Change the way things are. I know it may seem small and insignificant, but it's not about what it is, it's about what it can become. That's not just a seed... any more than you're just a boy.
* ''[opens the window for the first time as he hears the city singing &quot;Let it Grow&quot; and is on the verge of tears]'' Thank you, Ted.

== Mr. O'Hare ==
* ''[reffering to Ted]'' What?! Why is he leaving town? '''NO ONE EVER LEAVES TOWN!''' See what he's up to.
* You listen to me, boy. Don't go poking around in things you don't understand, or I'll be your worst nightmare. I'm Frankenstein's head on a spider's body!
* You've got a beautiful town here, Ted. Lots of fun stuff to occupy your short attention span. I can't think of any reason you'd ever wanna go outside of town again. Ever.
* Nobody beats Aloysius O'Hare! ''[the elevator shuts]'' What?! ''[grunts &quot;Damn it!&quot;]''
* Bring it on, Teddy! You don't have the guts!
* ''[going after Ted and Audrey and Grammy Norma, who have the Truffula seed, through a megaphone]'' '''YOU WON'T GET AWAY WITH THIS, BOY! BANG!'''
* ''[last words as he sings &quot;Let It Die&quot;]'' C'mon, who's with me, huh?

== Dialogue ==
:'''Ted''': So, anyway, let's just say, I need a tree. Where would I go? What do I do?
:'''Grammy Norma''': Oh, then you know what? You'd need to find the Once-ler.
:'''Ted''': The what?
:'''Bernice Wiggins''': Mom, it's not really the time for one of your, you know, magical fables, OK?
:'''Grammy Norma''': ''[laughs]'' That's right, I forgot. I'm old, and can't even remember to put my teeth in!
:'''Bernice''': Stand down. That's not what I meant.
:'''Grammy Norma''': No, really, I forgot my teeth. Would you be a dear and go get them for me?
:'''Bernice''': ''[sighs]'' Sure, Mom.
:'''Grammy Norma''': Okay, here the deal. The Once-ler's the man who knows what happened to the trees. If you want one, you need to find him.
:'''Ted''': The Once-ler?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ted gets pulled up by a rope and pulley to the second floor window where the Once-ler confronts him angrily.]''
:'''Once-ler''': Who are you? Who are you and what are you doing here?!
:'''Ted''': I'm Ted. I'm Ted. Oh, I can't breathe. Are you the Once-ler? Oh, man. 
:'''Once-ler''': Didn't you read the signs? No one is supposed to come here. Get out of here and leave me alone! And don't let the boot hit you on the way out.
:'''Ted''': The boot? ''[gets kicked by said boot from behind]'' Whoa, hello! Ow! Listen! People say that if someone brings you this stuff that you will tell them about trees. ''[gets grabbed again]'' No, no, no!
:'''Once-ler''': Trees?
:'''Ted''': Yeah, real ones. You know, that grow out of the ground? ''[pause]'' Hello?
:'''Once-ler''': Sorry, it's just... Well, I didn't think anyone still cared about trees.
:'''Ted''': Well, that's me. The guy who still cares. I'm here. ''[gets put back down]'' Hey, hey! What? Whoa!
:'''The Once-ler''': You wanna know about trees, about what happened to them, (and) why they're all gone? ''[softly]'' {{small|It's because of me.}}
:'''Ted''': Wait, what? ''[A Whisper-ma-Phone chutes down to him. He leans in to hear.]''
:'''Once-ler''': ''[shouts] &lt;big&gt;'''IT'S BECAUSE OF ME!'''&lt;/big&gt; [Ted coughs]'' And my invention, the Thneed. It was an amazing product that could do the job of 1,000.
:'''Ted''': All right. Sounds ridiculous, but I mean, that's cool. 
:'''Once-ler''': You're darn right it was cool! ''[starting to explain what happened to the trees]'' It all started a long time ago.
:'''Ted''': Can we start not so long ago, maybe?
:'''Once-ler''': Do you want a tree?
:'''Ted''': Yes, yes. (Go on.)
:'''Once-ler''': Then it all started a long, &lt;big&gt;''long''&lt;/big&gt; time ago. ''[scene flashes back to the Once-ler as a young man]'' I was a young man leaving home.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ted''': ''[interrupting the story]'' Hey, hey, hey, hey, wait. Wait a minute.
:'''Once-ler''': Excuse me?
:'''Ted''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah. That's awesome. You know, feeding junk food to forest animals? That's great. But, uh, is there a musical number where you show me how to get a tree? 'Cause I'd love to hear that one.
:'''Once-ler''': Oh, yes. Right after the musical number about the kid who kept interrupting the story and was never heard from ever again. Hmm?
:'''Ted''': Right. Got it. Proceed.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Lorax''':  ''[first meeting the Once-ler]'' Hey!
:''[The Once-ler shrieks and falls backwards]''
:'''The Lorax''': Did you chop down this tree?
:'''Once-ler''': Uh, no. Who did it? ''[gasps]'' What's that?! ''[the Lorax looks back and Once-ler drops his axe on Pipsqueak the Bar-ba-loot, blaming him]'' I think he did it.
:'''The Lorax''': ''[growls]'' Leave! Vacate the premises! Take your axe and get out! 
:'''The Once-ler''': And who are you? ''[pokes the Lorax]''
:'''The Lorax''': Hey, hey! I'm the Lorax, guardian of the forest. I speak for the trees. ''[The Once-ler stares at him]'' So you're telling me that you didn't see me magically appear out of that stump, with all the lightning and thunder and stuff. You didn't see any of that?
:'''The Once-ler''': No, but that sounds amazing. Can I see some of that?
:'''The Lorax''': Uh, yeah. I could show you, but that's not how it works.
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[condescending]'' OK, um... Didn’t really happen. Oh, I know what you want! ''[pokes Lorax’s nose, He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a Marshmallow. Holds it out.]'' ''[baby talk]'' I’ve got one of these for the cutest little guy I ever saw. Yummy-yummy-yummy... ''[The Lorax stares at the marshmallow]''
:'''The Lorax''': How dare you! Give me that! ''[grabs the marshmallow. Sniffs it. It smells good]'' Mmm. I'm going to eat this, but I am highly offended by it.''[plops it into his mouth, then makes his way over to the Once-ler’s tent-house which is being supported by stakes and ropes. He kicks out a stake and the canvas starts to sag]''
:'''The Once-ler''': Whoa! What are you... Hey, Mustache! Will you stop that? ''[The Lorax continues circling around the tent-house pulling up stakes. He grabs his hammer and follows, pounding them back in.]'' What's your deal, man?
:'''The Lorax''': ''[They circle faster and faster around the tent-houses he pull up each stake and the Once-ler pounding them back in.]'' Time for you to go, Beanpole!
:'''The Once-ler''': Pull them right out. Just going to put them right back in. We can do this all day.
:''[until the Once-ler turns a corner and is about to bring his hammer down on Pipsqueak. The Lorax has placed him right where the stake would have been. The Lorax holds up his hand to stop the Once-ler]''
:'''The Lorax''': Stop right there! Stop it! So you would hammer one of nature's innocent creatures?
:''[The Lorax pats Pipsqueak on the head and he happily runs offscreen]''
:'''The Once-ler''': What? No! I would never hit this little guy. You, on the other hand, I would gladly pound you and your mustache into the ground!
:''[The Lorax turns to all of the watching animals]''
:'''The Lorax''': Behold! The intruder and his violent ways. ''[To Once-Ler]'' Shame on you. For shame!
:''[The Once-ler drops the hammer and hides it behind his feet. Then he sees all of the animals nodding their heads in agreement. He’s had it.
:'''The Once-ler''': All right, you know what? That's it! ''[Points at Lorax]'' You listen to me, you furry meatloaf. I'm going to chop down as many trees as I need. Okay? Newsflash! Not going anywhere! End of story. ''[He turns and enters his cottage. His sticks his tongue out and does Raspberries to the Lorax before slamming the door behind him! He sighs heavily, shaking his head]''
:'''The Lorax''': Then you leave me no choice. ''[Startled, the Once-ler turns and sees that the Lorax is somehow inside with him. He points a threatening finger at the Once-ler and speaks in a spooky voice as if he’s casting a spell]'' If you're not gone by the time the sun sets on this valley, all the forces of nature will be unleashed upon you and curse you until the end of your days! You have been warned. ''[Lorax turns to make a dramatic exit, but can’t reach the doorknob of Once-ler’s door. He hops a couple of times. Finally, the Once-ler lets him out.]'' Thanks.
:'''The Once-ler''': Yeah, okay.
:'''The Lorax''': You have been warned.
:''[The Lorax storms out and slams the door, leaving the Once-ler alone in his cottage.]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Once-ler''': Why are you so interested in trees anyway? Why aren't you like other kids? Break-dancing and wearing bell-bottoms and playing the Donkey Kongs?
:'''Ted''': ''[laughs]'' Yeah. Right, right. I don't know. Uh, I just thought it might be kinda cool to have one, you know. 
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[knowingly]'' Aaah, it's a girl, isn't it?
:'''Ted''': ''[scoffs]'' What? No!
:'''The Once-ler''': Really? 'Cause when a guy does something stupid once, well, that's because he's a guy, but if he does the same stupid thing ''twice'', that's usually to impress some girl.
:'''Ted''': ''[about Audrey]'' Hey, she is not some girlǃ She's a woman… in high school… and she loves trees, and I'm gonna get her one.
:'''The Once-ler''': Aww. How nice to see someone so undeterred by things like ''reality''.
:'''Ted''': ''[sincerely]'' Thank you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[has just been revived by the Lorax]'' I was heading into the light, and you pulled me right back, and here I am! ''[hugs the Lorax]'' You saved my life!
:'''The Lorax''': Yeah, I did, but you know, it's not that big a deal.
:'''The Once-ler''': It is a big deal! Look, I almost went over that waterfall! ''[realizes]'' Wait... On my bed. How did my bed get in the river?
:'''The Lorax''': Uh, about that, uh... actually, um... ''[mumbles]'' I put your bed in the water. ''[The Once-ler drops him in shock]'' I didn't mean you any harm. I just wanted to calmly float you away. Look, everyone here needs the trees and you're chopping them down! So, we've got a big problem.
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[Pipsqueak nuzzling at Once-Ler's feet, to the Lorax]'' Alright, look. I hereby swear that I will never chop down another tree. I promise. ''(Are you happy now?)''
:'''The Lorax''': Thank you, but I'm going to keep my eye on you.
:'''The Once-ler''': Now, I've got a big day tomorrow, and I'm gonna get some sleep. ''[walks away, then comes back]'' Right after I find my bed.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[screams and wakes up to find the Lorax sleeping in his bed, the Lorax also screams and wakes up, punching the Once-ler's nose]'' Ow! Okay, what are you...? ''[stops upon noticing that the Bar-ba-loots, Humming Fish, and Swommee-Swans are also sleeping in his house]'' Question, what are ''they'' doing here? And follow up if I may, what are ''you'' doing here?!
:'''The Lorax''': Well, after the incident last night, we found one of your socks and came here to return it, but when we got here, you were asleep. 
:'''The Once-ler''': What? Exactly, and sleeping is the body's way of telling other people to go away.
:'''The Lorax''': I know, but you looked so cozy. And it was cold outside, and we just fell asleep. No harm done.
:'''The Once-ler''': &quot;No harm done&quot;, &quot;no harm done&quot;? Okay. ''[sees fish bathing in soap]'' Okay, I put my lips on those. Well, I used to, anyway. ''[sees a bird laying an egg]'' Ew. Did you just... in my bowl?!
:'''The Lorax''': ''[uses the Once-ler's toothbrush to comb his mustache]'' Why do you even own this? You don't have a mustache.
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[disgusted and angry]'' Ugh! Okay, that's it!
:'''The Lorax''': What? I thought we made a deal last night.
:'''The Once-ler''': Yes, we did. And I said I wouldn't chop down any more trees.
:'''The Lorax''': And I said I was going to keep an eye on you. I'm starving! What's for breakfast? ''[looks into the fridge to find the big Bar-ba-loot eating entire cubes of butter]'' Breakfast is overrated. ''[closes the fridge door]''
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[strains]'' You know what? I got work to do. ''[quickly changes outfit]'' Yep! I got to go into town and sell my Thneed!
:'''The Lorax''': ''[when the Once-ler shows the Thneed to him; laughs]'' You chopped down one of my trees to make that piece of garbage?
:'''The Once-ler''': &quot;Garbage&quot;? Oh, no. Oh, no! You do not get it. This is a revolutionary product that will change the world as we know it. ''[walks over to the Bar-ba-loots sleeping on the table and brushes them all off]'' It has 1,000,000 uses! ''[He reaches under the table and pulls up Lou who is now wearing the Thneed as underwear]'' Look at this. It's a swimsuit! ''[Then he points to the muddy animal tracks on the floor.]'' Mud tracked all over your floor by uninvited guests? Well, the Thneed sure comes in handy for that! ''[He uses it to wipe up the mud tracks]'' But wait, there's more! Thanks to its all-natural microfibers, the Thneed is super-absorbent! ''[Then he goes to the fish swimming a glass filled with water. Shoves the Thneed into the glass. SLUUUURP! It instantly soaks up all the water, leaving the irritated fish standing in the dry glass.]'' It also works as a hat. ''[plops the Thneed onto Lorax’s head. SPLURCH! It’s sopping wet and drips all over him. The Lorax gives the Once- ler a look]'' Of course, you probably want to wring it out first.
:'''The Lorax''': ''[takes the Thneed off his head and throws it at the Once-ler.]'' Go ahead. Knock yourself out, but nobody is going to buy that thing.
:'''The Once-ler''': Good to know. Well, fortunately, you are not the target market, weirdo.
:''[The Once-ler strums his guitar.]''
:'''The Lorax''': You're bringing a guitar?
:'''The Once-ler''': Oh, yeah. I got a little jingle. I'm gonna blow some minds, gonna sell some Thneeds! ''[He holds up the Thneed defiantly.]'' Yeah. ''[slams the door, waking up a Swommee-Swan, who HONKS.]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[In deleted scene, The Man tosses the Thneed which lands on a nerdy teen girl's head, knocking her glasses off and letting her hair down. She slowly flips her hair with the Thneed on her head as if there was supposed to be a dramatic change to her appearance.]''
:'''Teen Boy''': Hey. Cool hat.
:'''Teen Girl 1''': Oh, my gosh. I totally want one.
:'''Teen Girl 2''': That thing makes me like you more.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grizelda''': ''[referring to the Lorax]'' So, who invited the giant furry peanut?
:'''The Lorax''': You callin' me a peanut, huh? I'll go right up your nose!
:'''Grizelda''': Ha! ''[advances on him]''
:'''The Once-ler''': Whoa, whoa, whoa! You wouldn't hit a woman.
:'''The Lorax''': ''[gasps]'' That's a ''woman''?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Lorax''': Happy yet? You filled that hole deep down inside you, or do you still need more?
:'''The Once-ler''': Look, if you've got a problem with what I'm doing, why haven't you used your quote-unquote &quot;powers&quot; to stop me?
:'''The Lorax''': I told you, that's not how it works.
:'''The Once-ler''': Right, I forgot... you're a fraud. I need you to get out! Now!
:'''The Lorax''': Why? Do I make you uncomfortable,  remind you of the promises you made, the man you used to be?
:'''The Once-ler''': You know what? You can just shut your mustache! ''[Begins inching towards the Lorax, who backs away]'' My conscience is clear. I have done nothing illegal, I have my rights, and I intend to keep on biggering and biggering, and turning more Truffula trees in to Thneeds! ''[The Lorax falls backwards and hits the ground.]'' '''And nothing is going to stop me!'''
:''[In the distance, a loud motor is heard. The Once-ler and Lorax both look and see the VERY LAST TRUFFULA TREE being chopped down by a Super Axe-Hacker.]''
:'''The Lorax''': That's it. The very last one. That may stop you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bernice''': Ted, I would like you to meet Mr. O'Hare, the most powerful man in town.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': ''[Ted shocked in surprise.]'' There he is! Hello, Ted.
:'''Ted''': Uh... Hi.
:'''Bernice''': Isn't he clever, Mr. O'Hare? He knows his own name and everything.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': You know what I would love right now, Mrs. Wiggins? A delicious cookie. Wonderful. Teddy and I'll stay here and talk.
:'''Bernice''': Sure, why don't you go ahead and adopt him? I'm just kidding. That was a joke. I was just joking. I'll get your cookie.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': I know you have it, Ted. So, let's put an end to this nonsense, shall we? ''[Ted angrily faces him]'' Hand it over.
:'''Ted''': I'm sorry... I don't know what you're talking about.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': Really? Well, then... I guess you wouldn't mind us checking your room.
:'''Ted''': No, no, no!
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': Morty! McGurk! Find the seed!
:'''Ted''': No, you can't go up there! Guys, this is ridiculous. Stop! Hey! No, you can't come in my room!
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': Find it! ''[O'Hare barges into Ted's room trying to find and destroy the Truffula seed]'' Find it!
:'''Bernice''': What is going on here?
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': ''[to Bernice, after she comes up stairs and what's going on]'' '''THIS DOESN'T INVOLVE YOU!''' Get back downstairs!
:'''Bernice''': ''[to O’Hare]'' Excuse me, down there! I don't care who you are, you little crazy baby-man! Get out of my house now. This is outrageous.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': Fine. Sorry. ''[chuckles]'' Must have been a misunderstanding. We'll be leaving now. And my apologies, Ted. You be safe. ''[O’Hare takes the plate of cookies with Mrs. Wiggins Holding him.]''
:'''Bernice''': Mind telling me what's going on here?
:'''Ted''': The seed! Where is it?
:'''Bernice''': Seed?
:''[Ted finds Grammy Norma's cane]''
:'''Ted''': Where's Grammy?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Audrey''': ''[to Ted]'' I could just kiss you right now! ''[Ted and Audrey lean in to kiss, but Bernice stops them]''
:'''Bernice''': ''Oop!'' We don't have time for that!
:'''Ted''': I dunno, we have a little time. ''[Audrey and Bernice stare at him]'' You know what? Let's just go. Let's go. Forget about it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Once-ler, now elderly with a white mustache, reunites with the Lorax, laughing]''
:'''The Lorax''': You done good, Beanpole. You done good. ''[short pause as he hugs his old friend for a moment, then chuckles]'' By the way, nice mustache.

== Tagline ==
* &quot;UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is gonna get better. It's not.&quot; — Dr. Seuss

== About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' ==
* One of the funny things that we discovered was that because they don't look like trees or animals that we understand or relate to directly, you have to create, based on Seuss' illustrations, something that's believable. Because the Truffula trees are beautiful -- they look like cotton candy. But, by the same token, you have to create something that the audience feels something for. So it can't just feel like Candy Land; you have to buy it as a real forest. So we looked at Birch trees and then figured out how to make those wonderful illustrations work in a 3-D movie. It's a real fantasy forest that you could relate to when it's being chopped down.
* We had a design that was very city-like and very dense, which wasn't quite working. But we went back and looked at a little drawing in the upper corner of the page when the little boy is first coming to look at the Lorax. And we sort of used that as our basis: it's got these big, curvy roads and a couple of building shapes. In some ways, the easier choice would've been to create a Blade Runner-like dystopian future with smog. But of course we wanted to create something that was fun and entertaining, but in some way relates a little more about where we are today, with inflatable bushes and plastic flowers and fake nature that still has a sense of fun, much like Disneyland or Las Vegas or Dubai. So, in the movie that felt like a great way to go but also suggesting that you have to be careful to maintain balance with nature so it can be sustained.
:* Chris Renaud [http://www.awn.com/animationworld/chris-renaud-talks-lorax/ &quot;Chris Renaud Talks 'The Lorax'&quot;], as interviewed by Bill Desowitz,  ''Animation World Network'', Friday, March 2, 2012.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Danny DeVito|Danny DeVito]] — The Lorax
* [[w:Ed Helms|Ed Helms]] — The Once-ler
* [[w:Zac Efron|Zac Efron]] — Ted
* [[Taylor Swift]] — Audrey
* [[w:Rob Riggle|Rob Riggle]] — Mr. O'Hare
* [[w:Jenny Slate|Jenny Slate]] — Bernice
* [[w:Betty White|Betty White]] — Grammy Norma
* [[w:Jeff Bennett|Jeff Glen Bennett]] — Morty
* [[w:Nasim Pedrad|Nasim Pedrad]] — Isabella
* [[w:Elmarie Wendel|Elmarie Wendel]] — Grizelda
* [[Stephen Tobolowsky]] — Ubb
* [[w:Danny Cooksey|Danny Cooksey]] — Brett &amp; Chet

== See Also ==
* [[How the Grinch Stole Christmas (film)|How the Grinch Stole Christmas]]
* [[The Cat in the Hat (film)|The Cat in the Hat]]
* [[Horton Hears a Who! (film)|Horton Hears a Who! (film)]]

== External Links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=1482459|title=The Lorax}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Lorax (film), The}}
[[Category:2012 films]]
[[Category:2010s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical films]]
[[Category:Animated films based on children's books]]
[[Category:Animated films about bears]]
[[Category:Animated films about birds]]
[[Category:Animated films about fish]]
[[Category:Films based on works by Dr. Seuss]]
[[Category:Films set in forests]]
[[Category:Chris Renaud films]]</text>
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'''''[[w:The Lorax (film)|Dr. Seuss's The Lorax]]''''' is a 2012 American [[w:computer animation|computer-animated]] [[w:List of 3-D films|3D]] [[w:musical film|musical]] [[w:comedy film|comedy film]] based on [[Dr. Seuss]]' [[w:children's book|children's book]] [[w:The Lorax|of the same name]]. The film stars [[w:Danny DeVito|Danny DeVito]], [[w:Ed Helms|Ed Helms]], [[w:Zac Efron|Zac Efron]], [[Taylor Swift]], [[w:Rob Riggle|Rob Riggle]], [[w:Jenny Slate|Jenny Slate]], and [[w:Betty White|Betty White]]. It was produced by {{w|Illumination Entertainment}} and was released by {{w|Universal Pictures}} on March 2, 2012, what would have been the 108th birthday of Seuss, who died at age 87 in the year 1991. To be clear, any quotes from the film version that are not taken directly from the book may not have been written by Dr. Seuss.

:''Directed by Chris Renaud. Screenplay by Cinco Paul and Ken Daurio. Produced by Chris Meledandri and Janet Healy.''

== The Lorax ==
* I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees.
* Who taught you guys how to steal a bed?
* ''[notices Pipsqueak on the Once-ler’s bed]'' You gotta be kidding me. ''[to another Bar-ba-loot]'' Can he swim? ''[the Bar-ba-loot shakes his head]'' Of course he can't swim! Hang on, Pipsqueak! I'm comin' to get ya!
* ''[after seeing Pipsqueak take and eat a truffula fruit]'' Ugh, bar-ba-loots.
* ''[To the Once-ler]'' A tree falls in the way it leans. Be careful which way you lean.

== Ted ==
* ''[referring to Audrey; to The Once-ler]'' Hey, she is not some girlǃ She's a woman… in high school… and she loves trees, and I'm gonna get her one.
* I am Ted Wiggins, and I speak for the trees. And the fact is, things aren't perfect here in Thneedville! And they're only gonna get worse unless we do something about it! Unless we change our ways, we can start by planting ''this''! ''[holds up the truffula seed]''

== Audrey ==
* ''[Referring to her mural]'' Those are trees. ''Real ones.'' They used to grow all around here. And people said that the touch of their tufts was softer than anything, even silk. And they smelled like butterfly milk.
* What I want more than anything in the whole world is to see a real living tree, growing in my backyard.

== The Once-ler ==
* ''[He puts on a pair of work gloves and grabs a large axe]'' Alright, here we go. About to make a Thneed, about to change the world.
* Check it out, guys. ''[looks around, noticing all of the animals are gone]'' Where did everybody go? ''[shrugs, then grabs the tree by the trunk and drags it away toward his cottage]''
* Little did I know that by chopping down that tree I had just summoned a mystical creature as old as time itself. The legendary, slightly annoying guardian of the forest. The Lorax.
* ''[admiring his first thneed]'' Now that's a thneed! Nothing unmanly about knitting. No sir!
* Oh, yeah! We're in business, baby! ''[closing Everybody Needs a Thneed]'' Mom? Hey, it's me! I told you I was going to be a success! You need to bring the whole family here right now. We're going to be rich! What? I'm going to need all the help I can get. Don't worry.
* ''[closing How Bad Can I Be]'' All the customers are buying, and the money's multiplying, and the PR people are lying, ''[A Thneed is thrown on the Lorax as a picture is taken. A billboard featuring the picture reads &quot;Lorax Approved&quot;]'' and the lawyers are denying. Who cares if a few trees are dying? This is all so gratifying! How bad, how bad can this possibly be?!
* ''[To Ted]'' Because Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better... It's not.
* ''[To Ted; referring to the last Truffula seed]'' Plant the seed in the middle of town where everyone can see! Change the way things are. I know it may seem small and insignificant, but it's not about what it is, it's about what it can become. That's not just a seed... any more than you're just a boy.
* ''[opens the window for the first time as he hears the city singing &quot;Let it Grow&quot; and is on the verge of tears]'' Thank you, Ted.

== Mr. O'Hare ==
* ''[reffering to Ted]'' What?! Why is he leaving town? '''NO ONE EVER LEAVES TOWN!''' See what he's up to.
* You listen to me, boy. Don't go poking around in things you don't understand, or I'll be your worst nightmare. I'm Frankenstein's head on a spider's body!
* You've got a beautiful town here, Ted. Lots of fun stuff to occupy your short attention span. I can't think of any reason you'd ever wanna go outside of town again. Ever.
* Nobody beats Aloysius O'Hare! ''[the elevator shuts]'' What?! ''[grunts &quot;Damn it!&quot;]''
* Bring it on, Teddy! You don't have the guts!
* ''[going after Ted and Audrey and Grammy Norma, who have the Truffula seed, through a megaphone]'' '''YOU WON'T GET AWAY WITH THIS, BOY! BANG!'''
* ''[last words as he sings &quot;Let It Die&quot;]'' C'mon, who's with me, huh?

== Dialogue ==
:'''Ted''': So, anyway, let's just say, I need a tree. Where would I go? What do I do?
:'''Grammy Norma''': Oh, then you know what? You'd need to find the Once-ler.
:'''Ted''': The what?
:'''Bernice Wiggins''': Mom, it's not really the time for one of your, you know, magical fables, OK?
:'''Grammy Norma''': ''[laughs]'' That's right, I forgot. I'm old, and can't even remember to put my teeth in!
:'''Bernice''': Stand down. That's not what I meant.
:'''Grammy Norma''': No, really, I forgot my teeth. Would you be a dear and go get them for me?
:'''Bernice''': ''[sighs]'' Sure, Mom.
:'''Grammy Norma''': Okay, here the deal. The Once-ler's the man who knows what happened to the trees. If you want one, you need to find him.
:'''Ted''': The Once-ler?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ted gets pulled up by a rope and pulley to the second floor window where the Once-ler confronts him angrily.]''
:'''Once-ler''': Who are you? Who are you and what are you doing here?!
:'''Ted''': I'm Ted. I'm Ted. Oh, I can't breathe. Are you the Once-ler? Oh, man. 
:'''Once-ler''': Didn't you read the signs? No one is supposed to come here. Get out of here and leave me alone! And don't let the boot hit you on the way out.
:'''Ted''': The boot? ''[gets kicked by said boot from behind]'' Whoa, hello! Ow! Listen! People say that if someone brings you this stuff that you will tell them about trees. ''[gets grabbed again]'' No, no, no!
:'''Once-ler''': Trees?
:'''Ted''': Yeah, real ones. You know, that grow out of the ground? ''[pause]'' Hello?
:'''Once-ler''': Sorry, it's just... Well, I didn't think anyone still cared about trees.
:'''Ted''': Well, that's me. The guy who still cares. I'm here. ''[gets put back down]'' Hey, hey! What? Whoa!
:'''The Once-ler''': You wanna know about trees, about what happened to them, (and) why they're all gone? ''[softly]'' {{small|It's because of me.}}
:'''Ted''': Wait, what? ''[A Whisper-ma-Phone chutes down to him. He leans in to hear.]''
:'''Once-ler''': ''[shouts] &lt;big&gt;'''IT'S BECAUSE OF ME!'''&lt;/big&gt; [Ted coughs]'' And my invention, the Thneed. It was an amazing product that could do the job of 1,000.
:'''Ted''': All right. Sounds ridiculous, but I mean, that's cool. 
:'''Once-ler''': You're darn right it was cool! ''[starting to explain what happened to the trees]'' It all started a long time ago.
:'''Ted''': Can we start not so long ago, maybe?
:'''Once-ler''': Do you want a tree?
:'''Ted''': Yes, yes. (Go on.)
:'''Once-ler''': Then it all started a long, &lt;big&gt;''long''&lt;/big&gt; time ago. ''[scene flashes back to the Once-ler as a young man]'' I was a young man leaving home.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ted''': ''[interrupting the story]'' Hey, hey, hey, hey, wait. Wait a minute.
:'''Once-ler''': Excuse me?
:'''Ted''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah. That's awesome. You know, feeding junk food to forest animals? That's great. But, uh, is there a musical number where you show me how to get a tree? 'Cause I'd love to hear that one.
:'''Once-ler''': Oh, yes. Right after the musical number about the kid who kept interrupting the story and was never heard from ever again. Hmm?
:'''Ted''': Right. Got it. Proceed.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Lorax''':  ''[first meeting the Once-ler]'' Hey!
:''[The Once-ler shrieks and falls backwards]''
:'''The Lorax''': Did you chop down this tree?
:'''Once-ler''': Uh, no. Who did it? ''[gasps]'' What's that?! ''[the Lorax looks back and Once-ler drops his axe on Pipsqueak the Bar-ba-loot, blaming him]'' I think he did it.
:'''The Lorax''': ''[growls]'' Leave! Vacate the premises! Take your axe and get out! 
:'''The Once-ler''': And who are you? ''[pokes the Lorax]''
:'''The Lorax''': Hey, hey! I'm the Lorax, guardian of the forest. I speak for the trees. ''[The Once-ler stares at him]'' So you're telling me that you didn't see me magically appear out of that stump, with all the lightning and thunder and stuff. You didn't see any of that?
:'''The Once-ler''': No, but that sounds amazing. Can I see some of that?
:'''The Lorax''': Uh, yeah. I could show you, but that's not how it works.
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[condescending]'' OK, um... Didn’t really happen. Oh, I know what you want! ''[pokes Lorax’s nose, He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a Marshmallow. Holds it out.]'' ''[baby talk]'' I’ve got one of these for the cutest little guy I ever saw. Yummy-yummy-yummy... ''[The Lorax stares at the marshmallow]''
:'''The Lorax''': How dare you! Give me that! ''[grabs the marshmallow. Sniffs it. It smells good]'' Mmm. I'm going to eat this, but I am highly offended by it.''[plops it into his mouth, then makes his way over to the Once-ler’s tent-house which is being supported by stakes and ropes. He kicks out a stake and the canvas starts to sag]''
:'''The Once-ler''': Whoa! What are you... Hey, Mustache! Will you stop that? ''[The Lorax continues circling around the tent-house pulling up stakes. He grabs his hammer and follows, pounding them back in.]'' What's your deal, man?
:'''The Lorax''': ''[They circle faster and faster around the tent-houses he pull up each stake and the Once-ler pounding them back in.]'' Time for you to go, Beanpole!
:'''The Once-ler''': Pull them right out. Just going to put them right back in. We can do this all day.
:''[until the Once-ler turns a corner and is about to bring his hammer down on Pipsqueak. The Lorax has placed him right where the stake would have been. The Lorax holds up his hand to stop the Once-ler]''
:'''The Lorax''': Stop right there! Stop it! So you would hammer one of nature's innocent creatures?
:''[The Lorax pats Pipsqueak on the head and he happily runs offscreen]''
:'''The Once-ler''': What? No! I would never hit this little guy. You, on the other hand, I would gladly pound you and your mustache into the ground!
:''[The Lorax turns to all of the watching animals]''
:'''The Lorax''': Behold! The intruder and his violent ways. ''[To Once-Ler]'' Shame on you. For shame!
:''[The Once-ler drops the hammer and hides it behind his feet. Then he sees all of the animals nodding their heads in agreement. He’s had it.
:'''The Once-ler''': All right, you know what? That's it! ''[Points at Lorax]'' You listen to me, you furry meatloaf. I'm going to chop down as many trees as I need. Okay? Newsflash! Not going anywhere! End of story. ''[He turns and enters his cottage. His sticks his tongue out and does Raspberries to the Lorax before slamming the door behind him! He sighs heavily, shaking his head]''
:'''The Lorax''': Then you leave me no choice. ''[Startled, the Once-ler turns and sees that the Lorax is somehow inside with him. He points a threatening finger at the Once-ler and speaks in a spooky voice as if he’s casting a spell]'' If you're not gone by the time the sun sets on this valley, all the forces of nature will be unleashed upon you and curse you until the end of your days! You have been warned. ''[Lorax turns to make a dramatic exit, but can’t reach the doorknob of Once-ler’s door. He hops a couple of times. Finally, the Once-ler lets him out.]'' Thanks.
:'''The Once-ler''': Yeah, okay.
:'''The Lorax''': You have been warned.
:''[The Lorax storms out and slams the door, leaving the Once-ler alone in his cottage.]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Once-ler''': Why are you so interested in trees anyway? Why aren't you like other kids? Break-dancing and wearing bell-bottoms and playing the Donkey Kongs?
:'''Ted''': ''[laughs]'' Yeah. Right, right. I don't know. Uh, I just thought it might be kinda cool to have one, you know. 
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[knowingly]'' Aaah, it's a girl, isn't it?
:'''Ted''': ''[scoffs]'' What? No!
:'''The Once-ler''': Really? 'Cause when a guy does something stupid once, well, that's because he's a guy, but if he does the same stupid thing ''twice'', that's usually to impress some girl.
:'''Ted''': ''[about Audrey]'' Hey, she is not some girlǃ She's a woman… in high school… and she loves trees, and I'm gonna get her one.
:'''The Once-ler''': Aww. How nice to see someone so undeterred by things like ''reality''.
:'''Ted''': ''[sincerely]'' Thank you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[has just been revived by the Lorax]'' I was heading into the light, and you pulled me right back, and here I am! ''[hugs the Lorax]'' You saved my life!
:'''The Lorax''': Yeah, I did, but you know, it's not that big a deal.
:'''The Once-ler''': It is a big deal! Look, I almost went over that waterfall! ''[realizes]'' Wait... On my bed. How did my bed get in the river?
:'''The Lorax''': Uh, about that, uh... actually, um... ''[mumbles]'' I put your bed in the water. ''[The Once-ler drops him in shock]'' I didn't mean you any harm. I just wanted to calmly float you away. Look, everyone here needs the trees and you're chopping them down! So, we've got a big problem.
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[Pipsqueak nuzzling at Once-Ler's feet, to the Lorax]'' Alright, look. I hereby swear that I will never chop down another tree. I promise. ''(Are you happy now?)''
:'''The Lorax''': Thank you, but I'm going to keep my eye on you.
:'''The Once-ler''': Now, I've got a big day tomorrow, and I'm gonna get some sleep. ''[walks away, then comes back]'' Right after I find my bed.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[screams and wakes up to find the Lorax sleeping in his bed, the Lorax also screams and wakes up, punching the Once-ler's nose]'' Ow! Okay, what are you...? ''[stops upon noticing that the Bar-ba-loots, Humming Fish, and Swommee-Swans are also sleeping in his house]'' Question, what are ''they'' doing here? And, uh, follow up if I may, what are ''you'' doing here?!
:'''The Lorax''': ''[chuckles embarrassingly]'' Well, after the incident last night, we found one of your socks and came here to return it, but when we got here, you were asleep. 
:'''The Once-ler''': What? ''[looks up to see a sleeping Bar-ba-loot drooling down on him]'' Eww. Exactly, and sleeping is the body's way of telling other people to go away.
:'''The Lorax''': I know, but you looked so cozy. And it was cold outside, and we just fell asleep. No harm done.
:'''The Once-ler''': &quot;No harm done&quot;, &quot;no harm done&quot;? Ugh! Okay. ''[sees Humming Fish bathing in soap]'' Okay, I put my lips on those. Well, I used to, anyway. ''[sees Swommee-Swan laying an egg]'' Ew. Did you just... in my bowl?!
:'''The Lorax''': ''[uses the Once-ler's toothbrush to comb his mustache]'' Why do you even own this? You don't have a mustache.
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[disgusted and angry]'' Ugh! Okay, that's it!
:'''The Lorax''': What? I thought we made a deal last night.
:'''The Once-ler''': Yes, we did. And I said I wouldn't chop down any more trees.
:'''The Lorax''': And I said I was going to keep an eye on you. I'm starving! What's for breakfast? ''[looks into the fridge to find the big Bar-ba-loot eating entire cubes of butter]'' Breakfast is overrated. ''[closes the fridge door]''
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[strains]'' You know what? I got work to do. ''[quickly changes outfit]'' Yep! I got to go into town and sell my Thneed!
:'''The Lorax''': ''[when the Once-ler shows the Thneed to him; laughs]'' You chopped down one of my trees to make that piece of garbage?
:'''The Once-ler''': &quot;Garbage&quot;? Oh, no. Oh, no! You do not get it. This is a revolutionary product that will change the world as we know it. ''[walks over to the Bar-ba-loots sleeping on the table and brushes them all off]'' It has 1,000,000 uses! ''[He reaches under the table and pulls up Lou who is now wearing the Thneed as underwear]'' Look at this. It's a swimsuit! ''[Then he points to the muddy animal tracks on the floor.]'' Mud tracked all over your floor by uninvited guests? Well, the Thneed sure comes in handy for that! ''[He uses it to wipe up the mud tracks]'' But wait, there's more! Thanks to its all-natural microfibers, the Thneed is super-absorbent! ''[Then he goes to the fish swimming a glass filled with water. Shoves the Thneed into the glass. SLUUUURP! It instantly soaks up all the water, leaving the irritated fish standing in the dry glass.]'' It also works as a hat. ''[plops the Thneed onto Lorax’s head. SPLURCH! It’s sopping wet and drips all over him. The Lorax gives the Once- ler a look]'' Of course, you probably want to wring it out first.
:'''The Lorax''': ''[takes the Thneed off his head and throws it at the Once-ler.]'' Go ahead. Knock yourself out, but nobody is going to buy that thing.
:'''The Once-ler''': Good to know. Well, fortunately, you are not the target market, weirdo.
:''[The Once-ler strums his guitar.]''
:'''The Lorax''': You're bringing a guitar?
:'''The Once-ler''': Oh, yeah. I got a little jingle. I'm gonna blow some minds, gonna sell some Thneeds! ''[He holds up the Thneed defiantly.]'' Yeah. ''[slams the door, waking up a Swommee-Swan, who HONKS.]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[In deleted scene, The Man tosses the Thneed which lands on a nerdy teen girl's head, knocking her glasses off and letting her hair down. She slowly flips her hair with the Thneed on her head as if there was supposed to be a dramatic change to her appearance.]''
:'''Teen Boy''': Hey. Cool hat.
:'''Teen Girl 1''': Oh, my gosh. I totally want one.
:'''Teen Girl 2''': That thing makes me like you more.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grizelda''': ''[referring to the Lorax]'' So, who invited the giant furry peanut?
:'''The Lorax''': You callin' me a peanut, huh? I'll go right up your nose!
:'''Grizelda''': Ha! ''[advances on him]''
:'''The Once-ler''': Whoa, whoa, whoa! You wouldn't hit a woman.
:'''The Lorax''': ''[gasps]'' That's a ''woman''?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Lorax''': Happy yet? You filled that hole deep down inside you, or do you still need more?
:'''The Once-ler''': Look, if you've got a problem with what I'm doing, why haven't you used your quote-unquote &quot;powers&quot; to stop me?
:'''The Lorax''': I told you, that's not how it works.
:'''The Once-ler''': Right, I forgot... you're a fraud! I need you to get out! Now!
:'''The Lorax''': Why? Do I make you uncomfortable,  remind you of the promises you made, the man you used to be?
:'''The Once-ler''': You know what? You can just shut your mustache! ''[Begins inching towards the Lorax, who backs away]'' My conscience is clear. I have done nothing illegal, I have my rights, and I intend to keep on biggering and biggering, and turning more Truffula trees in to Thneeds! ''[The Lorax falls backwards and hits the ground.]'' '''And nothing is going to stop me!'''
:''[In the distance, a loud motor is heard. The Once-ler and Lorax both look and see the VERY LAST TRUFFULA TREE being chopped down by a Super Axe-Hacker.]''
:'''The Lorax''': That's it. The very last one. That may stop you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bernice''': Ted, I would like you to meet Mr. O'Hare, the most powerful man in town.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': ''[Ted shocked in surprise.]'' There he is! Hello, Ted.
:'''Ted''': Uh... Hi.
:'''Bernice''': Isn't he clever, Mr. O'Hare? He knows his own name and everything.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': You know what I would love right now, Mrs. Wiggins? A delicious cookie. Wonderful. Teddy and I'll stay here and talk.
:'''Bernice''': Sure, why don't you go ahead and adopt him? I'm just kidding. That was a joke. I was just joking. I'll get your cookie.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': I know you have it, Ted. So, let's put an end to this nonsense, shall we? ''[Ted angrily faces him]'' Hand it over.
:'''Ted''': I'm sorry... I don't know what you're talking about.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': Really? Well, then... I guess you wouldn't mind us checking your room.
:'''Ted''': No, no, no!
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': Morty! McGurk! Find the seed!
:'''Ted''': No, you can't go up there! Guys, this is ridiculous. Stop! Hey! No, you can't come in my room!
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': Find it! ''[O'Hare barges into Ted's room trying to find and destroy the Truffula seed]'' Find it!
:'''Bernice''': What is going on here?
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': ''[to Bernice, after she comes up stairs and what's going on]'' '''THIS DOESN'T INVOLVE YOU!''' Get back downstairs!
:'''Bernice''': ''[to O’Hare]'' Excuse me, down there! I don't care who you are, you little crazy baby-man! Get out of my house now. This is outrageous.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': Fine. Sorry. ''[chuckles]'' Must have been a misunderstanding. We'll be leaving now. And my apologies, Ted. You be safe. ''[O’Hare takes the plate of cookies with Mrs. Wiggins Holding him.]''
:'''Bernice''': Mind telling me what's going on here?
:'''Ted''': The seed! Where is it?
:'''Bernice''': Seed?
:''[Ted finds Grammy Norma's cane]''
:'''Ted''': Where's Grammy?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Audrey''': ''[to Ted]'' I could just kiss you right now! ''[Ted and Audrey lean in to kiss, but Bernice stops them]''
:'''Bernice''': ''Oop!'' We don't have time for that!
:'''Ted''': I dunno, we have a little time. ''[Audrey and Bernice stare at him]'' You know what? Let's just go. Let's go. Forget about it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Once-ler, now elderly with a white mustache, reunites with the Lorax, laughing]''
:'''The Lorax''': You done good, Beanpole. You done good. ''[short pause as he hugs his old friend for a moment, then chuckles]'' By the way, nice mustache.

== Tagline ==
* &quot;UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is gonna get better. It's not.&quot; — Dr. Seuss

== About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' ==
* One of the funny things that we discovered was that because they don't look like trees or animals that we understand or relate to directly, you have to create, based on Seuss' illustrations, something that's believable. Because the Truffula trees are beautiful -- they look like cotton candy. But, by the same token, you have to create something that the audience feels something for. So it can't just feel like Candy Land; you have to buy it as a real forest. So we looked at Birch trees and then figured out how to make those wonderful illustrations work in a 3-D movie. It's a real fantasy forest that you could relate to when it's being chopped down.
* We had a design that was very city-like and very dense, which wasn't quite working. But we went back and looked at a little drawing in the upper corner of the page when the little boy is first coming to look at the Lorax. And we sort of used that as our basis: it's got these big, curvy roads and a couple of building shapes. In some ways, the easier choice would've been to create a Blade Runner-like dystopian future with smog. But of course we wanted to create something that was fun and entertaining, but in some way relates a little more about where we are today, with inflatable bushes and plastic flowers and fake nature that still has a sense of fun, much like Disneyland or Las Vegas or Dubai. So, in the movie that felt like a great way to go but also suggesting that you have to be careful to maintain balance with nature so it can be sustained.
:* Chris Renaud [http://www.awn.com/animationworld/chris-renaud-talks-lorax/ &quot;Chris Renaud Talks 'The Lorax'&quot;], as interviewed by Bill Desowitz,  ''Animation World Network'', Friday, March 2, 2012.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Danny DeVito|Danny DeVito]] — The Lorax
* [[w:Ed Helms|Ed Helms]] — The Once-ler
* [[w:Zac Efron|Zac Efron]] — Ted
* [[Taylor Swift]] — Audrey
* [[w:Rob Riggle|Rob Riggle]] — Mr. O'Hare
* [[w:Jenny Slate|Jenny Slate]] — Bernice
* [[w:Betty White|Betty White]] — Grammy Norma
* [[w:Jeff Bennett|Jeff Glen Bennett]] — Morty
* [[w:Nasim Pedrad|Nasim Pedrad]] — Isabella
* [[w:Elmarie Wendel|Elmarie Wendel]] — Grizelda
* [[Stephen Tobolowsky]] — Ubb
* [[w:Danny Cooksey|Danny Cooksey]] — Brett &amp; Chet

== See Also ==
* [[How the Grinch Stole Christmas (film)|How the Grinch Stole Christmas]]
* [[The Cat in the Hat (film)|The Cat in the Hat]]
* [[Horton Hears a Who! (film)|Horton Hears a Who! (film)]]

== External Links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=1482459|title=The Lorax}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Lorax (film), The}}
[[Category:2012 films]]
[[Category:2010s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical films]]
[[Category:Animated films based on children's books]]
[[Category:Animated films about bears]]
[[Category:Animated films about birds]]
[[Category:Animated films about fish]]
[[Category:Films based on works by Dr. Seuss]]
[[Category:Films set in forests]]
[[Category:Chris Renaud films]]</text>
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'''''[[w:The Lorax (film)|Dr. Seuss's The Lorax]]''''' is a 2012 American [[w:computer animation|computer-animated]] [[w:List of 3-D films|3D]] [[w:musical film|musical]] [[w:comedy film|comedy film]] based on [[Dr. Seuss]]' [[w:children's book|children's book]] [[w:The Lorax|of the same name]]. The film stars [[w:Danny DeVito|Danny DeVito]], [[w:Ed Helms|Ed Helms]], [[w:Zac Efron|Zac Efron]], [[Taylor Swift]], [[w:Rob Riggle|Rob Riggle]], [[w:Jenny Slate|Jenny Slate]], and [[w:Betty White|Betty White]]. It was produced by {{w|Illumination Entertainment}} and was released by {{w|Universal Pictures}} on March 2, 2012, what would have been the 108th birthday of Seuss, who died at age 87 in the year 1991. To be clear, any quotes from the film version that are not taken directly from the book may not have been written by Dr. Seuss.

:''Directed by Chris Renaud. Screenplay by Cinco Paul and Ken Daurio. Produced by Chris Meledandri and Janet Healy.''

== The Lorax ==
* I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees.
* Who taught you guys how to steal a bed?
* ''[notices Pipsqueak on the Once-ler’s bed]'' You gotta be kidding me. ''[to another Bar-ba-loot]'' Can he swim? ''[the Bar-ba-loot shakes his head]'' Of course he can't swim! Hang on, Pipsqueak! I'm comin' to get ya!
* ''[after seeing Pipsqueak take and eat a truffula fruit]'' Ugh, bar-ba-loots.
* ''[To the Once-ler]'' A tree falls in the way it leans. Be careful which way you lean.

== Ted ==
* ''[referring to Audrey; to The Once-ler]'' Hey, she is not some girlǃ She's a woman… in high school… and she loves trees, and I'm gonna get her one.
* I am Ted Wiggins, and I speak for the trees. And the fact is, things aren't perfect here in Thneedville! And they're only gonna get worse unless we do something about it! Unless we change our ways, we can start by planting ''this''! ''[holds up the truffula seed]''

== Audrey ==
* ''[Referring to her mural]'' Those are trees. ''Real ones.'' They used to grow all around here. And people said that the touch of their tufts was softer than anything, even silk. And they smelled like butterfly milk.
* What I want more than anything in the whole world is to see a real living tree, growing in my backyard.

== The Once-ler ==
* ''[He puts on a pair of work gloves and grabs a large axe]'' Alright, here we go. About to make a Thneed, about to change the world.
* Check it out, guys. ''[looks around, noticing all of the animals are gone]'' Where did everybody go? ''[shrugs, then grabs the tree by the trunk and drags it away toward his cottage]''
* Little did I know that by chopping down that tree I had just summoned a mystical creature as old as time itself. The legendary, slightly annoying guardian of the forest. The Lorax.
* ''[admiring his first thneed]'' Now that's a thneed! Nothing unmanly about knitting. No sir!
* Oh, yeah! We're in business, baby! ''[closing Everybody Needs a Thneed]'' Mom? Hey, it's me! I told you I was going to be a success! You need to bring the whole family here right now. We're going to be rich! What? I'm going to need all the help I can get. Don't worry.
* ''[closing How Bad Can I Be]'' All the customers are buying, and the money's multiplying, and the PR people are lying, ''[A Thneed is thrown on the Lorax as a picture is taken. A billboard featuring the picture reads &quot;Lorax Approved&quot;]'' and the lawyers are denying. Who cares if a few trees are dying? This is all so gratifying! How bad, how bad can this possibly be?!
* ''[To Ted]'' Because Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better... It's not.
* ''[To Ted; referring to the last Truffula seed]'' Plant the seed in the middle of town where everyone can see! Change the way things are. I know it may seem small and insignificant, but it's not about what it is, it's about what it can become. That's not just a seed... any more than you're just a boy.
* ''[opens the window for the first time as he hears the city singing &quot;Let it Grow&quot; and is on the verge of tears]'' Thank you, Ted.

== Mr. O'Hare ==
* ''[reffering to Ted]'' What?! Why is he leaving town? '''NO ONE EVER LEAVES TOWN!''' See what he's up to.
* You listen to me, boy. Don't go poking around in things you don't understand, or I'll be your worst nightmare. I'm Frankenstein's head on a spider's body!
* You've got a beautiful town here, Ted. Lots of fun stuff to occupy your short attention span. I can't think of any reason you'd ever wanna go outside of town again. Ever.
* Nobody beats Aloysius O'Hare! ''[the elevator shuts]'' What?! ''[grunts &quot;Damn it!&quot;]''
* Bring it on, Teddy! You don't have the guts!
* ''[going after Ted and Audrey and Grammy Norma, who have the Truffula seed, through a megaphone]'' '''YOU WON'T GET AWAY WITH THIS, BOY! BANG!'''
* ''[last words as he sings &quot;Let It Die&quot;]'' C'mon, who's with me, huh?

== Dialogue ==
:'''Ted''': So, anyway, let's just say, I need a tree. Where would I go? What do I do?
:'''Grammy Norma''': Oh, then you know what? You'd need to find the Once-ler.
:'''Ted''': The what?
:'''Bernice Wiggins''': Mom, it's not really the time for one of your, you know, magical fables, OK?
:'''Grammy Norma''': ''[laughs]'' That's right, I forgot. I'm old, and can't even remember to put my teeth in!
:'''Bernice''': Stand down. That's not what I meant.
:'''Grammy Norma''': No, really, I forgot my teeth. Would you be a dear and go get them for me?
:'''Bernice''': ''[sighs]'' Sure, Mom.
:'''Grammy Norma''': Okay, here the deal. The Once-ler's the man who knows what happened to the trees. If you want one, you need to find him.
:'''Ted''': The Once-ler?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ted gets pulled up by a rope and pulley to the second floor window where the Once-ler confronts him angrily.]''
:'''Once-ler''': Who are you? Who are you and what are you doing here?!
:'''Ted''': I'm Ted. I'm Ted. Oh, I can't breathe. Are you the Once-ler? Oh, man. 
:'''Once-ler''': Didn't you read the signs? No one is supposed to come here. Get out of here and leave me alone! And don't let the boot hit you on the way out.
:'''Ted''': The boot? ''[gets kicked by said boot from behind]'' Whoa, hello! Ow! Listen! People say that if someone brings you this stuff that you will tell them about trees. ''[gets grabbed again]'' No, no, no!
:'''Once-ler''': Trees?
:'''Ted''': Yeah, real ones. You know, that grow out of the ground? ''[pause]'' Hello?
:'''Once-ler''': Sorry, it's just... Well, I didn't think anyone still cared about trees.
:'''Ted''': Well, that's me. The guy who still cares. I'm here. ''[gets put back down]'' Hey, hey! What? Whoa!
:'''The Once-ler''': You wanna know about trees, about what happened to them, (and) why they're all gone? ''[softly]'' {{small|It's because of me.}}
:'''Ted''': Wait, what? ''[A Whisper-ma-Phone chutes down to him. He leans in to hear.]''
:'''Once-ler''': ''[shouts] &lt;big&gt;'''IT'S BECAUSE OF ME!'''&lt;/big&gt; [Ted coughs]'' And my invention, the Thneed. It was an amazing product that could do the job of 1,000.
:'''Ted''': All right. Sounds ridiculous, but I mean, that's cool. 
:'''Once-ler''': You're darn right it was cool! ''[starting to explain what happened to the trees]'' It all started a long time ago.
:'''Ted''': Can we start not so long ago, maybe?
:'''Once-ler''': Do you want a tree?
:'''Ted''': Yes, yes. (Go on.)
:'''Once-ler''': Then it all started a long, &lt;big&gt;''long''&lt;/big&gt; time ago. ''[scene flashes back to the Once-ler as a young man]'' I was a young man leaving home.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ted''': ''[interrupting the story]'' Hey, hey, hey, hey, wait. Wait a minute.
:'''Once-ler''': Excuse me?
:'''Ted''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah. That's awesome. You know, feeding junk food to forest animals? That's great. But, uh, is there a musical number where you show me how to get a tree? 'Cause I'd love to hear that one.
:'''Once-ler''': Oh, yes. Right after the musical number about the kid who kept interrupting the story and was never heard from ever again. Hmm?
:'''Ted''': Right. Got it. Proceed.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Lorax''':  ''[first meeting the Once-ler]'' Hey!
:''[The Once-ler shrieks and falls backwards]''
:'''The Lorax''': Did you chop down this tree?
:'''Once-ler''': Uh, no. Who did it? ''[gasps]'' What's that?! ''[the Lorax looks back and Once-ler drops his axe on Pipsqueak the Bar-ba-loot, blaming him]'' I think he did it.
:'''The Lorax''': ''[growls]'' Leave! Vacate the premises! Take your axe and get out! 
:'''The Once-ler''': And who are you? ''[pokes the Lorax]''
:'''The Lorax''': Hey, hey! I'm the Lorax, guardian of the forest. I speak for the trees. ''[The Once-ler stares at him]'' So you're telling me that you didn't see me magically appear out of that stump, with all the lightning and thunder and stuff. You didn't see any of that?
:'''The Once-ler''': No, but that sounds amazing. Can I see some of that?
:'''The Lorax''': Uh, yeah. I could show you, but that's not how it works.
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[condescending]'' OK, um... Didn’t really happen. Oh, I know what you want! ''[pokes Lorax’s nose, He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a Marshmallow. Holds it out.]'' ''[baby talk]'' I’ve got one of these for the cutest little guy I ever saw. Yummy-yummy-yummy... ''[The Lorax stares at the marshmallow]''
:'''The Lorax''': How dare you! Give me that! ''[grabs the marshmallow. Sniffs it. It smells good]'' Mmm. I'm going to eat this, but I am highly offended by it.''[plops it into his mouth, then makes his way over to the Once-ler’s tent-house which is being supported by stakes and ropes. He kicks out a stake and the canvas starts to sag]''
:'''The Once-ler''': Whoa! What are you... Hey, Mustache! Will you stop that? ''[The Lorax continues circling around the tent-house pulling up stakes. He grabs his hammer and follows, pounding them back in.]'' What's your deal, man?
:'''The Lorax''': ''[They circle faster and faster around the tent-houses he pull up each stake and the Once-ler pounding them back in.]'' Time for you to go, Beanpole!
:'''The Once-ler''': Pull them right out. Just going to put them right back in. We can do this all day.
:''[until the Once-ler turns a corner and is about to bring his hammer down on Pipsqueak. The Lorax has placed him right where the stake would have been. The Lorax holds up his hand to stop the Once-ler]''
:'''The Lorax''': Stop right there! Stop it! So you would hammer one of nature's innocent creatures?
:''[The Lorax pats Pipsqueak on the head and he happily runs offscreen]''
:'''The Once-ler''': What? No! I would never hit this little guy. You, on the other hand, I would gladly pound you and your mustache into the ground!
:''[The Lorax turns to all of the watching animals]''
:'''The Lorax''': Behold! The intruder and his violent ways. ''[To Once-Ler]'' Shame on you. For shame!
:''[The Once-ler drops the hammer and hides it behind his feet. Then he sees all of the animals nodding their heads in agreement. He’s had it.
:'''The Once-ler''': All right, you know what? That's it! ''[Points at Lorax]'' You listen to me, you furry meatloaf. I'm going to chop down as many trees as I need. Okay? Newsflash! Not going anywhere! End of story. ''[He turns and enters his cottage. His sticks his tongue out and does Raspberries to the Lorax before slamming the door behind him! He sighs heavily, shaking his head]''
:'''The Lorax''': Then you leave me no choice. ''[Startled, the Once-ler turns and sees that the Lorax is somehow inside with him. He points a threatening finger at the Once-ler and speaks in a spooky voice as if he’s casting a spell]'' If you're not gone by the time the sun sets on this valley, all the forces of nature will be unleashed upon you and curse you until the end of your days! You have been warned. ''[Lorax turns to make a dramatic exit, but can’t reach the doorknob of Once-ler’s door. He hops a couple of times. Finally, the Once-ler lets him out.]'' Thanks.
:'''The Once-ler''': Yeah, okay.
:'''The Lorax''': You have been warned.
:''[The Lorax storms out and slams the door, leaving the Once-ler alone in his cottage.]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Once-ler''': Why are you so interested in trees anyway? Why aren't you like other kids? Break-dancing and wearing bell-bottoms and playing the Donkey Kongs?
:'''Ted''': ''[laughs]'' Yeah. Right, right. I don't know. Uh, I just thought it might be kinda cool to have one, you know. 
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[knowingly]'' Aaah, it's a girl, isn't it?
:'''Ted''': ''[scoffs]'' What? No!
:'''The Once-ler''': Really? 'Cause when a guy does something stupid once, well, that's because he's a guy, but if he does the same stupid thing ''twice'', that's usually to impress some girl.
:'''Ted''': ''[about Audrey]'' Hey, she is not some girlǃ She's a woman… in high school… and she loves trees, and I'm gonna get her one.
:'''The Once-ler''': Aww. How nice to see someone so undeterred by things like ''reality''.
:'''Ted''': ''[sincerely]'' Thank you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[has just been revived by the Lorax]'' I was heading into the light, and you pulled me right back, and here I am! ''[hugs the Lorax]'' You saved my life!
:'''The Lorax''': Yeah, I did, but you know, it's not that big a deal.
:'''The Once-ler''': It is a big deal! Look, I almost went over that waterfall! ''[realizes]'' Wait... On my bed. How did my bed get in the river?
:'''The Lorax''': Uh, about that, uh... actually, um... ''[mumbles]'' I put your bed in the water. ''[The Once-ler drops him in shock]'' I didn't mean you any harm. I just wanted to calmly float you away. Look, everyone here needs the trees and you're chopping them down! So, we've got a big problem.
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[Pipsqueak nuzzling at Once-Ler's feet, to the Lorax]'' Alright, look. I hereby swear that I will never chop down another tree. I promise. ''(Are you happy now?)''
:'''The Lorax''': Thank you, but I'm going to keep my eye on you.
:'''The Once-ler''': Now, I've got a big day tomorrow, and I'm gonna get some sleep. ''[walks away, then comes back]'' Right after I find my bed.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[screams and wakes up to find the Lorax sleeping in his bed, the Lorax also screams and wakes up, accidentally punching the Once-ler's nose in the process]'' Ow! Okay, what are you...? ''[stops upon noticing that the Bar-ba-loots, Humming Fish, and Swommee-Swans are also sleeping in his house]'' Question, what are ''they'' doing here? And, uh, follow up if I may, what are ''you'' doing here?!
:'''The Lorax''': ''[chuckles embarrassingly]'' Well, after the incident last night, we found one of your socks and came here to return it, but when we got here, you were asleep. 
:'''The Once-ler''': What? ''[looks up to see a sleeping Bar-ba-loot drooling down on him]'' Eww. Exactly, and sleeping is the body's way of telling other people to go away.
:'''The Lorax''': I know, but you looked so cozy. And it was cold outside, and we just fell asleep. No harm done.
:'''The Once-ler''': &quot;No harm done&quot;, &quot;no harm done&quot;? Ugh! Okay. ''[sees Humming Fish bathing in soap]'' Okay, I put my lips on those. Well, I used to, anyway. ''[sees Swommee-Swan laying an egg]'' Ew. Did you just... in my bowl?!
:'''The Lorax''': ''[uses the Once-ler's toothbrush to comb his mustache]'' Why do you even own this? You don't have a mustache.
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[disgusted and angry]'' Ugh! Okay, that's it!
:'''The Lorax''': What? I thought we made a deal last night.
:'''The Once-ler''': Yes, we did. And I said I wouldn't chop down any more trees.
:'''The Lorax''': And I said I was going to keep an eye on you. I'm starving! What's for breakfast? ''[looks into the fridge to find the big Bar-ba-loot eating entire cubes of butter]'' Breakfast is overrated. ''[closes the fridge door]''
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[strains]'' You know what? I got work to do. ''[quickly changes outfit]'' Yep! I got to go into town and sell my Thneed!
:'''The Lorax''': ''[when the Once-ler shows the Thneed to him; laughs]'' You chopped down one of my trees to make that piece of garbage?
:'''The Once-ler''': &quot;Garbage&quot;? Oh, no. Oh, no! You do not get it. This is a revolutionary product that will change the world as we know it. ''[walks over to the Bar-ba-loots sleeping on the table and brushes them all off]'' It has 1,000,000 uses! ''[He reaches under the table and pulls up Lou who is now wearing the Thneed as underwear]'' Look at this. It's a swimsuit! ''[Then he points to the muddy animal tracks on the floor.]'' Mud tracked all over your floor by uninvited guests? Well, the Thneed sure comes in handy for that! ''[He uses it to wipe up the mud tracks]'' But wait, there's more! Thanks to its all-natural microfibers, the Thneed is super-absorbent! ''[Then he goes to the fish swimming a glass filled with water. Shoves the Thneed into the glass. SLUUUURP! It instantly soaks up all the water, leaving the irritated fish standing in the dry glass.]'' It also works as a hat. ''[plops the Thneed onto Lorax’s head. SPLURCH! It’s sopping wet and drips all over him. The Lorax gives the Once- ler a look]'' Of course, you probably want to wring it out first.
:'''The Lorax''': ''[takes the Thneed off his head and throws it at the Once-ler.]'' Go ahead. Knock yourself out, but nobody is going to buy that thing.
:'''The Once-ler''': Good to know. Well, fortunately, you are not the target market, weirdo.
:''[The Once-ler strums his guitar.]''
:'''The Lorax''': You're bringing a guitar?
:'''The Once-ler''': Oh, yeah. I got a little jingle. I'm gonna blow some minds, gonna sell some Thneeds! ''[He holds up the Thneed defiantly.]'' Yeah. ''[slams the door, waking up a Swommee-Swan, who HONKS.]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[In deleted scene, The Man tosses the Thneed which lands on a nerdy teen girl's head, knocking her glasses off and letting her hair down. She slowly flips her hair with the Thneed on her head as if there was supposed to be a dramatic change to her appearance.]''
:'''Teen Boy''': Hey. Cool hat.
:'''Teen Girl 1''': Oh, my gosh. I totally want one.
:'''Teen Girl 2''': That thing makes me like you more.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grizelda''': ''[referring to the Lorax]'' So, who invited the giant furry peanut?
:'''The Lorax''': You callin' me a peanut, huh? I'll go right up your nose!
:'''Grizelda''': Ha! ''[advances on him]''
:'''The Once-ler''': Whoa, whoa, whoa! You wouldn't hit a woman.
:'''The Lorax''': ''[gasps]'' That's a ''woman''?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Lorax''': Happy yet? You filled that hole deep down inside you, or do you still need more?
:'''The Once-ler''': Look, if you've got a problem with what I'm doing, why haven't you used your quote-unquote &quot;powers&quot; to stop me?
:'''The Lorax''': I told you, that's not how it works.
:'''The Once-ler''': Right, I forgot... you're a fraud! I need you to get out! Now!
:'''The Lorax''': Why? Do I make you uncomfortable,  remind you of the promises you made, the man you used to be?
:'''The Once-ler''': You know what? You can just shut your mustache! ''[Begins inching towards the Lorax, who backs away]'' My conscience is clear. I have done nothing illegal, I have my rights, and I intend to keep on biggering and biggering, and turning more Truffula trees in to Thneeds! ''[The Lorax falls backwards and hits the ground.]'' '''And nothing is going to stop me!'''
:''[In the distance, a loud motor is heard. The Once-ler and Lorax both look and see the VERY LAST TRUFFULA TREE being chopped down by a Super Axe-Hacker.]''
:'''The Lorax''': That's it. The very last one. That may stop you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bernice''': Ted, I would like you to meet Mr. O'Hare, the most powerful man in town.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': ''[Ted shocked in surprise.]'' There he is! Hello, Ted.
:'''Ted''': Uh... Hi.
:'''Bernice''': Isn't he clever, Mr. O'Hare? He knows his own name and everything.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': You know what I would love right now, Mrs. Wiggins? A delicious cookie. Wonderful. Teddy and I'll stay here and talk.
:'''Bernice''': Sure, why don't you go ahead and adopt him? I'm just kidding. That was a joke. I was just joking. I'll get your cookie.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': I know you have it, Ted. So, let's put an end to this nonsense, shall we? ''[Ted angrily faces him]'' Hand it over.
:'''Ted''': I'm sorry... I don't know what you're talking about.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': Really? Well, then... I guess you wouldn't mind us checking your room.
:'''Ted''': No, no, no!
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': Morty! McGurk! Find the seed!
:'''Ted''': No, you can't go up there! Guys, this is ridiculous. Stop! Hey! No, you can't come in my room!
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': Find it! ''[O'Hare barges into Ted's room trying to find and destroy the Truffula seed]'' Find it!
:'''Bernice''': What is going on here?
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': ''[to Bernice, after she comes up stairs and what's going on]'' '''THIS DOESN'T INVOLVE YOU!''' Get back downstairs!
:'''Bernice''': ''[to O’Hare]'' Excuse me, down there! I don't care who you are, you little crazy baby-man! Get out of my house now. This is outrageous.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': Fine. Sorry. ''[chuckles]'' Must have been a misunderstanding. We'll be leaving now. And my apologies, Ted. You be safe. ''[O’Hare takes the plate of cookies with Mrs. Wiggins Holding him.]''
:'''Bernice''': Mind telling me what's going on here?
:'''Ted''': The seed! Where is it?
:'''Bernice''': Seed?
:''[Ted finds Grammy Norma's cane]''
:'''Ted''': Where's Grammy?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Audrey''': ''[to Ted]'' I could just kiss you right now! ''[Ted and Audrey lean in to kiss, but Bernice stops them]''
:'''Bernice''': ''Oop!'' We don't have time for that!
:'''Ted''': I dunno, we have a little time. ''[Audrey and Bernice stare at him]'' You know what? Let's just go. Let's go. Forget about it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Once-ler, now elderly with a white mustache, reunites with the Lorax, laughing]''
:'''The Lorax''': You done good, Beanpole. You done good. ''[short pause as he hugs his old friend for a moment, then chuckles]'' By the way, nice mustache.

== Tagline ==
* &quot;UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is gonna get better. It's not.&quot; — Dr. Seuss

== About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' ==
* One of the funny things that we discovered was that because they don't look like trees or animals that we understand or relate to directly, you have to create, based on Seuss' illustrations, something that's believable. Because the Truffula trees are beautiful -- they look like cotton candy. But, by the same token, you have to create something that the audience feels something for. So it can't just feel like Candy Land; you have to buy it as a real forest. So we looked at Birch trees and then figured out how to make those wonderful illustrations work in a 3-D movie. It's a real fantasy forest that you could relate to when it's being chopped down.
* We had a design that was very city-like and very dense, which wasn't quite working. But we went back and looked at a little drawing in the upper corner of the page when the little boy is first coming to look at the Lorax. And we sort of used that as our basis: it's got these big, curvy roads and a couple of building shapes. In some ways, the easier choice would've been to create a Blade Runner-like dystopian future with smog. But of course we wanted to create something that was fun and entertaining, but in some way relates a little more about where we are today, with inflatable bushes and plastic flowers and fake nature that still has a sense of fun, much like Disneyland or Las Vegas or Dubai. So, in the movie that felt like a great way to go but also suggesting that you have to be careful to maintain balance with nature so it can be sustained.
:* Chris Renaud [http://www.awn.com/animationworld/chris-renaud-talks-lorax/ &quot;Chris Renaud Talks 'The Lorax'&quot;], as interviewed by Bill Desowitz,  ''Animation World Network'', Friday, March 2, 2012.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Danny DeVito|Danny DeVito]] — The Lorax
* [[w:Ed Helms|Ed Helms]] — The Once-ler
* [[w:Zac Efron|Zac Efron]] — Ted
* [[Taylor Swift]] — Audrey
* [[w:Rob Riggle|Rob Riggle]] — Mr. O'Hare
* [[w:Jenny Slate|Jenny Slate]] — Bernice
* [[w:Betty White|Betty White]] — Grammy Norma
* [[w:Jeff Bennett|Jeff Glen Bennett]] — Morty
* [[w:Nasim Pedrad|Nasim Pedrad]] — Isabella
* [[w:Elmarie Wendel|Elmarie Wendel]] — Grizelda
* [[Stephen Tobolowsky]] — Ubb
* [[w:Danny Cooksey|Danny Cooksey]] — Brett &amp; Chet

== See Also ==
* [[How the Grinch Stole Christmas (film)|How the Grinch Stole Christmas]]
* [[The Cat in the Hat (film)|The Cat in the Hat]]
* [[Horton Hears a Who! (film)|Horton Hears a Who! (film)]]

== External Links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=1482459|title=The Lorax}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Lorax (film), The}}
[[Category:2012 films]]
[[Category:2010s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical films]]
[[Category:Animated films based on children's books]]
[[Category:Animated films about bears]]
[[Category:Animated films about birds]]
[[Category:Animated films about fish]]
[[Category:Films based on works by Dr. Seuss]]
[[Category:Films set in forests]]
[[Category:Chris Renaud films]]</text>
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'''''[[w:The Lorax (film)|Dr. Seuss's The Lorax]]''''' is a 2012 American [[w:computer animation|computer-animated]] [[w:List of 3-D films|3D]] [[w:musical film|musical]] [[w:comedy film|comedy film]] based on [[Dr. Seuss]]' [[w:children's book|children's book]] [[w:The Lorax|of the same name]]. The film stars [[w:Danny DeVito|Danny DeVito]], [[w:Ed Helms|Ed Helms]], [[w:Zac Efron|Zac Efron]], [[Taylor Swift]], [[w:Rob Riggle|Rob Riggle]], [[w:Jenny Slate|Jenny Slate]], and [[w:Betty White|Betty White]]. It was produced by {{w|Illumination Entertainment}} and was released by {{w|Universal Pictures}} on March 2, 2012, what would have been the 108th birthday of Seuss, who died at age 87 in the year 1991. To be clear, any quotes from the film version that are not taken directly from the book may not have been written by Dr. Seuss.

:''Directed by Chris Renaud. Screenplay by Cinco Paul and Ken Daurio. Produced by Chris Meledandri and Janet Healy.''

== The Lorax ==
* I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees.
* Who taught you guys how to steal a bed?
* ''[notices Pipsqueak on the Once-ler’s bed]'' You gotta be kidding me. ''[to another Bar-ba-loot]'' Can he swim? ''[the Bar-ba-loot shakes his head]'' Of course he can't swim! Hang on, Pipsqueak! I'm comin' to get ya!
* ''[after seeing Pipsqueak take and eat a truffula fruit]'' Ugh, bar-ba-loots.
* ''[To the Once-ler]'' A tree falls in the way it leans. Be careful which way you lean.

== Ted ==
* ''[referring to Audrey; to The Once-ler]'' Hey, she is not some girlǃ She's a woman… in high school… and she loves trees, and I'm gonna get her one.
* I am Ted Wiggins, and I speak for the trees. And the fact is, things aren't perfect here in Thneedville! And they're only gonna get worse unless we do something about it! Unless we change our ways, we can start by planting ''this''! ''[holds up the truffula seed]''

== Audrey ==
* ''[Referring to her mural]'' Those are trees. ''Real ones.'' They used to grow all around here. And people said that the touch of their tufts was softer than anything, even silk. And they smelled like butterfly milk.
* What I want more than anything in the whole world is to see a real living tree, growing in my backyard.

== The Once-ler ==
* ''[He puts on a pair of work gloves and grabs a large axe]'' Alright, here we go. About to make a Thneed, about to change the world.
* Check it out, guys. ''[looks around, noticing all of the animals are gone]'' Where did everybody go? ''[shrugs, then grabs the tree by the trunk and drags it away toward his cottage]''
* Little did I know that by chopping down that tree I had just summoned a mystical creature as old as time itself. The legendary, slightly annoying guardian of the forest. The Lorax.
* ''[admiring his first thneed]'' Now that's a thneed! Nothing unmanly about knitting. No sir!
* Oh, yeah! We're in business, baby! ''[closing Everybody Needs a Thneed]'' Mom? Hey, it's me! I told you I was going to be a success! You need to bring the whole family here right now. We're going to be rich! What? I'm going to need all the help I can get. Don't worry.
* ''[closing How Bad Can I Be]'' All the customers are buying, and the money's multiplying, and the PR people are lying, ''[A Thneed is thrown on the Lorax as a picture is taken. A billboard featuring the picture reads &quot;Lorax Approved&quot;]'' and the lawyers are denying. Who cares if a few trees are dying? This is all so gratifying! How bad, how bad can this possibly be?!
* ''[To Ted]'' Because Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better... It's not.
* ''[To Ted; referring to the last Truffula seed]'' Plant the seed in the middle of town where everyone can see! Change the way things are. I know it may seem small and insignificant, but it's not about what it is, it's about what it can become. That's not just a seed... any more than you're just a boy.
* ''[opens the window for the first time as he hears the city singing &quot;Let it Grow&quot; and is on the verge of tears]'' Thank you, Ted.

== Mr. O'Hare ==
* ''[reffering to Ted]'' What?! Why is he leaving town? '''NO ONE EVER LEAVES TOWN!''' See what he's up to.
* You listen to me, boy. Don't go poking around in things you don't understand, or I'll be your worst nightmare. I'm Frankenstein's head on a spider's body!
* You've got a beautiful town here, Ted. Lots of fun stuff to occupy your short attention span. I can't think of any reason you'd ever wanna go outside of town again. Ever.
* Nobody beats Aloysius O'Hare! ''[the elevator shuts]'' What?! ''[grunts &quot;Damn it!&quot;]''
* Bring it on, Teddy! You don't have the guts!
* ''[going after Ted and Audrey and Grammy Norma, who have the Truffula seed, through a megaphone]'' '''YOU WON'T GET AWAY WITH THIS, BOY! BANG!'''
* ''[last words as he sings &quot;Let It Die&quot;]'' C'mon, who's with me, huh?

== Dialogue ==
:'''Ted''': So, anyway, let's just say, I need a tree. Where would I go? What do I do?
:'''Grammy Norma''': Oh, then you know what? You'd need to find the Once-ler.
:'''Ted''': The what?
:'''Bernice Wiggins''': Mom, it's not really the time for one of your, you know, magical fables, OK?
:'''Grammy Norma''': ''[laughs]'' That's right, I forgot. I'm old, and can't even remember to put my teeth in!
:'''Bernice''': Stand down. That's not what I meant.
:'''Grammy Norma''': No, really, I forgot my teeth. Would you be a dear and go get them for me?
:'''Bernice''': ''[sighs]'' Sure, Mom.
:'''Grammy Norma''': Okay, here the deal. The Once-ler's the man who knows what happened to the trees. If you want one, you need to find him.
:'''Ted''': The Once-ler?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ted gets pulled up by a rope and pulley to the second floor window where the Once-ler confronts him angrily.]''
:'''Once-ler''': Who are you? Who are you and what are you doing here?!
:'''Ted''': I'm Ted. I'm Ted. Oh, I can't breathe. Are you the Once-ler? Oh, man. 
:'''Once-ler''': Didn't you read the signs? No one is supposed to come here. Get out of here and leave me alone! And don't let the boot hit you on the way out.
:'''Ted''': The boot? ''[gets kicked by said boot from behind]'' Whoa, hello! Ow! Listen! People say that if someone brings you this stuff that you will tell them about trees. ''[gets grabbed again]'' No, no, no!
:'''Once-ler''': Trees?
:'''Ted''': Yeah, real ones. You know, that grow out of the ground? ''[pause]'' Hello?
:'''Once-ler''': Sorry, it's just... Well, I didn't think anyone still cared about trees.
:'''Ted''': Well, that's me. The guy who still cares. I'm here. ''[gets put back down]'' Hey, hey! What? Whoa!
:'''The Once-ler''': You wanna know about trees, about what happened to them, (and) why they're all gone? ''[softly]'' {{small|It's because of me.}}
:'''Ted''': Wait, what? ''[A Whisper-ma-Phone chutes down to him. He leans in to hear.]''
:'''Once-ler''': ''[shouts] &lt;big&gt;'''IT'S BECAUSE OF ME!'''&lt;/big&gt; [Ted coughs]'' And my invention, the Thneed. It was an amazing product that could do the job of 1,000.
:'''Ted''': All right. Sounds ridiculous, but I mean, that's cool. 
:'''Once-ler''': You're darn right it was cool! ''[starting to explain what happened to the trees]'' It all started a long time ago.
:'''Ted''': Can we start not so long ago, maybe?
:'''Once-ler''': Do you want a tree?
:'''Ted''': Yes, yes. (Go on.)
:'''Once-ler''': Then it all started a long, &lt;big&gt;''long''&lt;/big&gt; time ago. ''[scene flashes back to the Once-ler as a young man]'' I was a young man leaving home.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ted''': ''[interrupting the story]'' Hey, hey, hey, hey, wait. Wait a minute.
:'''Once-ler''': Excuse me?
:'''Ted''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah. That's awesome. You know, feeding junk food to forest animals? That's great. But, uh, is there a musical number where you show me how to get a tree? 'Cause I'd love to hear that one.
:'''Once-ler''': Oh, yes. Right after the musical number about the kid who kept interrupting the story and was never heard from ever again. Hmm?
:'''Ted''': Right. Got it. Proceed.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Lorax''':  ''[first meeting the Once-ler]'' Hey!
:''[The Once-ler shrieks and falls backwards]''
:'''The Lorax''': Did you chop down this tree?
:'''Once-ler''': Uh, no. Who did it? ''[gasps]'' What's that?! ''[the Lorax looks back and Once-ler drops his axe on Pipsqueak the Bar-ba-loot, blaming him]'' I think he did it.
:'''The Lorax''': ''[growls]'' Leave! Vacate the premises! Take your axe and get out! 
:'''The Once-ler''': And who are you? ''[pokes the Lorax]''
:'''The Lorax''': Hey, hey! I'm the Lorax, guardian of the forest. I speak for the trees. ''[The Once-ler stares at him]'' So you're telling me that you didn't see me magically appear out of that stump, with all the lightning and thunder and stuff. You didn't see any of that?
:'''The Once-ler''': No, but that sounds amazing. Can I see some of that?
:'''The Lorax''': Uh, yeah. I could show you, but that's not how it works.
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[condescending]'' OK, um... Didn’t really happen. Oh, I know what you want! ''[pokes Lorax’s nose, He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a Marshmallow. Holds it out.]'' ''[baby talk]'' I’ve got one of these for the cutest little guy I ever saw. Yummy-yummy-yummy... ''[The Lorax stares at the marshmallow]''
:'''The Lorax''': How dare you! Give me that! ''[grabs the marshmallow. Sniffs it. It smells good]'' Mmm. I'm going to eat this, but I am highly offended by it.''[plops it into his mouth, then makes his way over to the Once-ler’s tent-house which is being supported by stakes and ropes. He kicks out a stake and the canvas starts to sag]''
:'''The Once-ler''': Whoa! What are you... Hey, Mustache! Will you stop that? ''[The Lorax continues circling around the tent-house pulling up stakes. He grabs his hammer and follows, pounding them back in.]'' What's your deal, man?
:'''The Lorax''': ''[They circle faster and faster around the tent-houses he pull up each stake and the Once-ler pounding them back in.]'' Time for you to go, Beanpole!
:'''The Once-ler''': Pull them right out. Just going to put them right back in. We can do this all day.
:''[until the Once-ler turns a corner and is about to bring his hammer down on Pipsqueak. The Lorax has placed him right where the stake would have been. The Lorax holds up his hand to stop the Once-ler]''
:'''The Lorax''': Stop right there! Stop it! So you would hammer one of nature's innocent creatures?
:''[The Lorax pats Pipsqueak on the head and he happily runs offscreen]''
:'''The Once-ler''': What? No! I would never hit this little guy. You, on the other hand, I would gladly pound you and your mustache into the ground!
:''[The Lorax turns to all of the watching animals]''
:'''The Lorax''': Behold! The intruder and his violent ways. ''[To Once-Ler]'' Shame on you. For shame!
:''[The Once-ler drops the hammer and hides it behind his feet. Then he sees all of the animals nodding their heads in agreement. He’s had it.
:'''The Once-ler''': All right, you know what? That's it! ''[Points at Lorax]'' You listen to me, you furry meatloaf. I'm going to chop down as many trees as I need. Okay? Newsflash! Not going anywhere! End of story. ''[He turns and enters his cottage. His sticks his tongue out and does Raspberries to the Lorax before slamming the door behind him! He sighs heavily, shaking his head]''
:'''The Lorax''': Then you leave me no choice. ''[Startled, the Once-ler turns and sees that the Lorax is somehow inside with him. He points a threatening finger at the Once-ler and speaks in a spooky voice as if he’s casting a spell]'' If you're not gone by the time the sun sets on this valley, all the forces of nature will be unleashed upon you and curse you until the end of your days! You have been warned. ''[Lorax turns to make a dramatic exit, but can’t reach the doorknob of Once-ler’s door. He hops a couple of times. Finally, the Once-ler lets him out.]'' Thanks.
:'''The Once-ler''': Yeah, okay.
:'''The Lorax''': You have been warned.
:''[The Lorax storms out and slams the door, leaving the Once-ler alone in his cottage.]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Once-ler''': Why are you so interested in trees anyway? Why aren't you like other kids? Break-dancing and wearing bell-bottoms and playing the Donkey Kongs?
:'''Ted''': ''[laughs]'' Yeah. Right, right. I don't know. Uh, I just thought it might be kinda cool to have one, you know. 
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[knowingly]'' Aaah, it's a girl, isn't it?
:'''Ted''': ''[scoffs]'' What? No!
:'''The Once-ler''': Really? 'Cause when a guy does something stupid once, well, that's because he's a guy, but if he does the same stupid thing ''twice'', that's usually to impress some girl.
:'''Ted''': ''[about Audrey]'' Hey, she is not some girlǃ She's a woman… in high school… and she loves trees, and I'm gonna get her one.
:'''The Once-ler''': Aww. How nice to see someone so undeterred by things like ''reality''.
:'''Ted''': ''[sincerely]'' Thank you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[has just been revived by the Lorax]'' I was heading into the light, and you pulled me right back, and here I am! ''[hugs the Lorax]'' You saved my life!
:'''The Lorax''': Yeah, I did, but you know, it's not that big a deal.
:'''The Once-ler''': It is a big deal! Look, I almost went over that waterfall! ''[realizes]'' Wait... On my bed. How did my bed get in the river?
:'''The Lorax''': Uh, about that, uh... actually, um... ''[mumbles]'' I put your bed in the water. ''[The Once-ler drops him in shock]'' I didn't mean you any harm. I just wanted to calmly float you away. Look, everyone here needs the trees and you're chopping them down! So, we've got a big problem.
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[Pipsqueak nuzzling at Once-Ler's feet, to the Lorax]'' Alright, look. I hereby swear that I will never chop down another tree. I promise. ''(Are you happy now?)''
:'''The Lorax''': Thank you, but I'm going to keep my eye on you.
:'''The Once-ler''': Now, I've got a big day tomorrow, and I'm gonna get some sleep. ''[walks away, then comes back]'' Right after I find my bed.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[screams and wakes up to find the Lorax sleeping in his bed, the Lorax also screams and wakes up, accidentally punching the Once-ler's nose in the process]'' Ow! Okay, what are you...? ''[stops upon noticing that the Bar-ba-loots, Humming Fish, and Swommee-Swans are also sleeping in his house]'' Question, what are ''they'' doing here? And, uh, follow up if I may, what are ''you'' doing here?!
:'''The Lorax''': ''[chuckles embarrassingly]'' Well, after the incident last night, we found one of your socks and came here to return it, but when we got here, you were asleep. 
:'''The Once-ler''': What? ''[looks up to see a sleeping Bar-ba-loot drooling down on him]'' Eww. Exactly, and sleeping is the body's way of telling other people to go away.
:'''The Lorax''': I know, but you looked so cozy. And it was cold outside, and we just fell asleep. No harm done.
:'''The Once-ler''': &quot;No harm done&quot;, &quot;no harm done&quot;? Ugh! Okay. ''[sees Humming Fish bathing in soap]'' Okay, I put my lips on those. Well, I used to, anyway. ''[sees Swommee-Swan laying an egg]'' Ew. Did you just... in my bowl?!
:'''The Lorax''': ''[uses the Once-ler's toothbrush to comb his mustache]'' Why do you even own this? You don't have a mustache.
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[disgusted and angry]'' Ugh! Okay, that's it!
:'''The Lorax''': What? I thought we made a deal last night.
:'''The Once-ler''': Yes, we did. And I said I wouldn't chop down any more trees.
:'''The Lorax''': And I said I was going to keep an eye on you. I'm starving! What's for breakfast? ''[looks into the fridge to find the big Bar-ba-loot eating entire cubes of butter]'' Breakfast is overrated. ''[closes the fridge door]''
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[strains]'' You know what? I got work to do. ''[quickly changes outfit]'' Yep! I got to go into town and sell my Thneed!
:'''The Lorax''': ''[when the Once-ler shows the Thneed to him; laughs]'' You chopped down one of my trees to make that piece of garbage?
:'''The Once-ler''': &quot;Garbage&quot;? Oh, no. Oh, no! You do not get it. This is a revolutionary product that will change the world as we know it. ''[walks over to the Bar-ba-loots sleeping on the table and brushes them all off]'' It has 1,000,000 uses! ''[He reaches under the table and pulls up Lou who is now wearing the Thneed as underwear]'' Look at this. It's a swimsuit! ''[Then he points to the muddy animal tracks on the floor.]'' Mud tracked all over your floor by uninvited guests? Well, the Thneed sure comes in handy for that! ''[He uses it to wipe up the mud tracks]'' But wait, there's more! Thanks to its all-natural microfibers, the Thneed is super-absorbent! ''[Then he goes to the fish swimming a glass filled with water. Shoves the Thneed into the glass. SLUUUURP! It instantly soaks up all the water, leaving the irritated fish standing in the dry glass.]'' It also works as a hat. ''[plops the Thneed onto Lorax’s head. SPLURCH! It’s sopping wet and drips all over him. The Lorax gives the Once- ler a look]'' Of course, you probably want to wring it out first.
:'''The Lorax''': ''[takes the Thneed off his head and throws it at the Once-ler.]'' Go ahead. Knock yourself out, but nobody is going to buy that thing.
:'''The Once-ler''': Good to know. Well, fortunately, you are not the target market, weirdo.
:''[The Once-ler strums his guitar.]''
:'''The Lorax''': You're bringing a guitar?
:'''The Once-ler''': Oh, yeah. I got a little jingle. I'm gonna blow some minds, gonna sell some Thneeds! ''[He holds up the Thneed defiantly.]'' Yeah. ''[slams the door, waking up a Swommee-Swan, who HONKS.]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[In deleted scene, The Man tosses the Thneed which lands on a nerdy teen girl's head, knocking her glasses off and letting her hair down. She slowly flips her hair with the Thneed on her head as if there was supposed to be a dramatic change to her appearance.]''
:'''Teen Boy''': Hey. Cool hat.
:'''Teen Girl 1''': Oh, my gosh. I totally want one.
:'''Teen Girl 2''': That thing makes me like you more.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grizelda''': ''[referring to the Lorax]'' So, who invited the giant furry peanut?
:'''The Lorax''': You callin' me a peanut, huh? I'll go right up your nose!
:'''Grizelda''': Ha! ''[advances on him]''
:'''The Once-ler''': Whoa, whoa, whoa! You wouldn't hit a woman.
:'''The Lorax''': ''[gasps]'' That's a ''woman''?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Lorax''': Happy yet? You filled that hole deep down inside you, or do you still need more?
:'''The Once-ler''': Look, if you've got a problem with what I'm doing, why haven't you used your quote-unquote &quot;powers&quot; to stop me?
:'''The Lorax''': I told you, that's not how it works.
:'''The Once-ler''': Right, I forgot... you're a fraud! I need you to get out! Now!
:'''The Lorax''': Why? Do I make you uncomfortable,  remind you of the promises you made, the man you used to be?
:'''The Once-ler''': You know what? You can just shut your mustache! ''[Begins inching towards the Lorax, who backs away]'' My conscience is clear. I have done nothing illegal, I have my rights, and I intend to keep on biggering and biggering, and turning more Truffula trees in to Thneeds! ''[The Lorax falls backwards and hits the ground.]'' '''And nothing is going to stop me!'''
:''[In the distance, a loud motor is heard. The Once-ler and Lorax both look and see the VERY LAST TRUFFULA TREE being chopped down by a Super Axe-Hacker.]''
:'''The Lorax''': That's it. The very last one. That may stop you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bernice''': Ted, I would like you to meet Mr. O'Hare, the most powerful man in town.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': ''[Ted's eyes widen in shock and surprise]'' There he is! Hello, Ted.
:'''Ted''': ''[nervously]'' Uh... Hi.
:'''Bernice''': Isn't he clever, Mr. O'Hare? He knows his own name and everything.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': You know what I would love right now, Mrs. Wiggins? A delicious cookie. Wonderful. Teddy and I'll stay here and talk.
:'''Bernice''': Sure, why don't you go ahead and adopt him? I'm just kidding. That was a joke. I was just joking. I'll get your cookie.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': I know you have it, Ted. So, let's put an end to this nonsense, shall we? ''[Ted angrily faces him]'' Hand it over.
:'''Ted''': I'm sorry... I don't know what you're talking about.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': Really? Well, then... I guess you wouldn't mind us checking your room.
:'''Ted''': No, no, no!
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': Morty! McGurk! Find the seed!
:'''Ted''': No, you can't go up there! Guys, this is ridiculous. Stop! Hey! No, you can't come in my room!
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': Find it! ''[O'Hare barges into Ted's room trying to find and destroy the Truffula seed]'' Find it!
:'''Bernice''': What is going on here?
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': ''[to Bernice, after she comes up stairs and stares on in shock]'' '''THIS DOESN'T INVOLVE YOU!''' Get back downstairs!
:'''Bernice''': ''[to O’Hare]'' Excuse me, down there! I don't care who you are, you little crazy baby-man! Get out of my house now. This is outrageous.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': Fine. Sorry. ''[chuckles]'' Must have been a misunderstanding. We'll be leaving now. And my apologies, Ted. You be safe. ''[O’Hare takes the plate of cookies that Mrs. Wiggins is holding, and she splutters.]''
:'''Bernice''': Mind telling me what's going on here?
:'''Ted''': The seed! Where is it?
:'''Bernice''': Seed?
:''[Ted finds Grammy Norma's cane]''
:'''Ted''': Where's Grammy?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Audrey''': ''[to Ted]'' I could just kiss you right now! ''[Ted and Audrey lean in to kiss, but Bernice stops them]''
:'''Bernice''': ''Oop!'' We don't have time for that!
:'''Ted''': I dunno, we have a little time. ''[Audrey and Bernice stare at him]'' You know what? Let's just go. Let's go. Forget about it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Once-ler, now elderly with a white mustache, reunites with the Lorax, laughing]''
:'''The Lorax''': You done good, Beanpole. You done good. ''[short pause as he hugs his old friend for a moment, then chuckles]'' By the way, nice mustache.

== Tagline ==
* &quot;UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is gonna get better. It's not.&quot; — Dr. Seuss

== About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' ==
* One of the funny things that we discovered was that because they don't look like trees or animals that we understand or relate to directly, you have to create, based on Seuss' illustrations, something that's believable. Because the Truffula trees are beautiful -- they look like cotton candy. But, by the same token, you have to create something that the audience feels something for. So it can't just feel like Candy Land; you have to buy it as a real forest. So we looked at Birch trees and then figured out how to make those wonderful illustrations work in a 3-D movie. It's a real fantasy forest that you could relate to when it's being chopped down.
* We had a design that was very city-like and very dense, which wasn't quite working. But we went back and looked at a little drawing in the upper corner of the page when the little boy is first coming to look at the Lorax. And we sort of used that as our basis: it's got these big, curvy roads and a couple of building shapes. In some ways, the easier choice would've been to create a Blade Runner-like dystopian future with smog. But of course we wanted to create something that was fun and entertaining, but in some way relates a little more about where we are today, with inflatable bushes and plastic flowers and fake nature that still has a sense of fun, much like Disneyland or Las Vegas or Dubai. So, in the movie that felt like a great way to go but also suggesting that you have to be careful to maintain balance with nature so it can be sustained.
:* Chris Renaud [http://www.awn.com/animationworld/chris-renaud-talks-lorax/ &quot;Chris Renaud Talks 'The Lorax'&quot;], as interviewed by Bill Desowitz,  ''Animation World Network'', Friday, March 2, 2012.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Danny DeVito|Danny DeVito]] — The Lorax
* [[w:Ed Helms|Ed Helms]] — The Once-ler
* [[w:Zac Efron|Zac Efron]] — Ted
* [[Taylor Swift]] — Audrey
* [[w:Rob Riggle|Rob Riggle]] — Mr. O'Hare
* [[w:Jenny Slate|Jenny Slate]] — Bernice
* [[w:Betty White|Betty White]] — Grammy Norma
* [[w:Jeff Bennett|Jeff Glen Bennett]] — Morty
* [[w:Nasim Pedrad|Nasim Pedrad]] — Isabella
* [[w:Elmarie Wendel|Elmarie Wendel]] — Grizelda
* [[Stephen Tobolowsky]] — Ubb
* [[w:Danny Cooksey|Danny Cooksey]] — Brett &amp; Chet

== See Also ==
* [[How the Grinch Stole Christmas (film)|How the Grinch Stole Christmas]]
* [[The Cat in the Hat (film)|The Cat in the Hat]]
* [[Horton Hears a Who! (film)|Horton Hears a Who! (film)]]

== External Links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=1482459|title=The Lorax}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Lorax (film), The}}
[[Category:2012 films]]
[[Category:2010s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical films]]
[[Category:Animated films based on children's books]]
[[Category:Animated films about bears]]
[[Category:Animated films about birds]]
[[Category:Animated films about fish]]
[[Category:Films based on works by Dr. Seuss]]
[[Category:Films set in forests]]
[[Category:Chris Renaud films]]</text>
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'''''[[w:The Lorax (film)|Dr. Seuss's The Lorax]]''''' is a 2012 American [[w:computer animation|computer-animated]] [[w:List of 3-D films|3D]] [[w:musical film|musical]] [[w:comedy film|comedy film]] based on [[Dr. Seuss]]' [[w:children's book|children's book]] [[w:The Lorax|of the same name]]. The film stars [[w:Danny DeVito|Danny DeVito]], [[w:Ed Helms|Ed Helms]], [[w:Zac Efron|Zac Efron]], [[Taylor Swift]], [[w:Rob Riggle|Rob Riggle]], [[w:Jenny Slate|Jenny Slate]], and [[w:Betty White|Betty White]]. It was produced by {{w|Illumination Entertainment}} and was released by {{w|Universal Pictures}} on March 2, 2012, what would have been the 108th birthday of Seuss, who died at age 87 in the year 1991. To be clear, any quotes from the film version that are not taken directly from the book may not have been written by Dr. Seuss.

:''Directed by Chris Renaud. Screenplay by Cinco Paul and Ken Daurio. Produced by Chris Meledandri and Janet Healy.''

== The Lorax ==
* I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees.
* Who taught you guys how to steal a bed?
* ''[notices Pipsqueak on the Once-ler’s bed]'' You gotta be kidding me. ''[to another Bar-ba-loot]'' Can he swim? ''[the Bar-ba-loot shakes his head]'' Of course he can't swim! Hang on, Pipsqueak! I'm comin' to get ya!
* ''[after seeing Pipsqueak take and eat a truffula fruit]'' Ugh, bar-ba-loots.
* ''[To the Once-ler]'' A tree falls in the way it leans. Be careful which way you lean.

== Ted ==
* ''[referring to Audrey; to The Once-ler]'' Hey, she is not some girlǃ She's a woman… in high school… and she loves trees, and I'm gonna get her one.
* I am Ted Wiggins, and I speak for the trees. And the fact is, things aren't perfect here in Thneedville! And they're only gonna get worse unless we do something about it! Unless we change our ways, we can start by planting ''this''! ''[holds up the truffula seed]''

== Audrey ==
* ''[Referring to her mural]'' Those are trees. ''Real ones.'' They used to grow all around here. And people said that the touch of their tufts was softer than anything, even silk. And they smelled like butterfly milk.
* What I want more than anything in the whole world is to see a real living tree, growing in my backyard.

== The Once-ler ==
* ''[He puts on a pair of work gloves and grabs a large axe]'' Alright, here we go. About to make a Thneed, about to change the world.
* Check it out, guys. ''[looks around, noticing all of the animals are gone]'' Where did everybody go? ''[shrugs, then grabs the tree by the trunk and drags it away toward his cottage]''
* Little did I know that by chopping down that tree I had just summoned a mystical creature as old as time itself. The legendary, slightly annoying guardian of the forest. The Lorax.
* ''[admiring his first thneed]'' Now that's a thneed! Nothing unmanly about knitting. No sir!
* Oh, yeah! We're in business, baby! ''[closing Everybody Needs a Thneed]'' Mom? Hey, it's me! I told you I was going to be a success! You need to bring the whole family here right now. We're going to be rich! What? I'm going to need all the help I can get. Don't worry.
* ''[closing How Bad Can I Be]'' All the customers are buying, and the money's multiplying, and the PR people are lying, ''[A Thneed is thrown on the Lorax as a picture is taken. A billboard featuring the picture reads &quot;Lorax Approved&quot;]'' and the lawyers are denying. Who cares if a few trees are dying? This is all so gratifying! How bad, how bad can this possibly be?!
* ''[To Ted]'' Because Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better... It's not.
* ''[To Ted; referring to the last Truffula seed]'' Plant the seed in the middle of town where everyone can see! Change the way things are. I know it may seem small and insignificant, but it's not about what it is, it's about what it can become. That's not just a seed... any more than you're just a boy.
* ''[opens the window for the first time as he hears the city singing &quot;Let it Grow&quot; and is on the verge of tears]'' Thank you, Ted.

== Mr. O'Hare ==
* ''[reffering to Ted]'' What?! Why is he leaving town? '''NO ONE EVER LEAVES TOWN!''' See what he's up to.
* You listen to me, boy. Don't go poking around in things you don't understand, or I'll be your worst nightmare. I'm Frankenstein's head on a spider's body!
* You've got a beautiful town here, Ted. Lots of fun stuff to occupy your short attention span. I can't think of any reason you'd ever wanna go outside of town again. Ever.
* Nobody beats Aloysius O'Hare! ''[the elevator shuts]'' What?! ''[grunts &quot;Damn it!&quot;]''
* Bring it on, Teddy! You don't have the guts!
* ''[going after Ted and Audrey and Grammy Norma, who have the Truffula seed, through a megaphone]'' '''YOU WON'T GET AWAY WITH THIS, BOY! BANG!'''
* ''[last words as he sings &quot;Let It Die&quot;]'' C'mon, who's with me, huh?

== Dialogue ==
:'''Ted''': So, anyway, let's just say, I need a tree. Where would I go? What do I do?
:'''Grammy Norma''': Oh, then you know what? You'd need to find the Once-ler.
:'''Ted''': The what?
:'''Bernice Wiggins''': Mom, it's not really the time for one of your, you know, magical fables, OK?
:'''Grammy Norma''': ''[laughs]'' That's right, I forgot. I'm old, and can't even remember to put my teeth in!
:'''Bernice''': Stand down. That's not what I meant.
:'''Grammy Norma''': No, really, I forgot my teeth. Would you be a dear and go get them for me?
:'''Bernice''': ''[sighs]'' Sure, Mom.
:'''Grammy Norma''': Okay, here the deal. The Once-ler's the man who knows what happened to the trees. If you want one, you need to find him.
:'''Ted''': The Once-ler?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ted gets pulled up by a rope and pulley to the second floor window where the Once-ler confronts him angrily.]''
:'''Once-ler''': Who are you? Who are you and what are you doing here?!
:'''Ted''': I'm Ted. I'm Ted. Oh, I can't breathe. Are you the Once-ler? Oh, man. 
:'''Once-ler''': Didn't you read the signs? No one is supposed to come here. Get out of here and leave me alone! And don't let the boot hit you on the way out.
:'''Ted''': The boot? ''[gets kicked by said boot from behind]'' Whoa, hello! Ow! Listen! People say that if someone brings you this stuff that you will tell them about trees. ''[gets grabbed again]'' No, no, no!
:'''Once-ler''': Trees?
:'''Ted''': Yeah, real ones. You know, that grow out of the ground? ''[pause]'' Hello?
:'''Once-ler''': Sorry, it's just... Well, I didn't think anyone still cared about trees.
:'''Ted''': Well, that's me. The guy who still cares. I'm here. ''[gets put back down]'' Hey, hey! What? Whoa!
:'''The Once-ler''': You wanna know about trees, about what happened to them, (and) why they're all gone? ''[softly]'' {{small|It's because of me.}}
:'''Ted''': Wait, what? ''[A Whisper-ma-Phone chutes down to him. He leans in to hear.]''
:'''Once-ler''': ''[shouts] &lt;big&gt;'''IT'S BECAUSE OF ME!'''&lt;/big&gt; [Ted coughs]'' And my invention, the Thneed. It was an amazing product that could do the job of 1,000.
:'''Ted''': All right. Sounds ridiculous, but I mean, that's cool. 
:'''Once-ler''': You're darn right it was cool! ''[starting to explain what happened to the trees]'' It all started a long time ago.
:'''Ted''': Can we start not so long ago, maybe?
:'''Once-ler''': Do you want a tree?
:'''Ted''': Yes, yes. (Go on.)
:'''Once-ler''': Then it all started a long, &lt;big&gt;''long''&lt;/big&gt; time ago. ''[scene flashes back to the Once-ler as a young man]'' I was a young man leaving home.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ted''': ''[interrupting the story]'' Hey, hey, hey, hey, wait. Wait a minute.
:'''Once-ler''': Excuse me?
:'''Ted''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah. That's awesome. You know, feeding junk food to forest animals? That's great. But, uh, is there a musical number where you show me how to get a tree? 'Cause I'd love to hear that one.
:'''Once-ler''': Oh, yes. Right after the musical number about the kid who kept interrupting the story and was never heard from ever again. Hmm?
:'''Ted''': Right. Got it. Proceed.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Lorax''':  ''[first meeting the Once-ler]'' Hey!
:''[The Once-ler shrieks and falls backwards]''
:'''The Lorax''': Did you chop down this tree?
:'''Once-ler''': Uh, no. Who did it? ''[gasps]'' What's that?! ''[the Lorax looks back and Once-ler drops his axe on Pipsqueak the Bar-ba-loot, blaming him]'' I think he did it.
:'''The Lorax''': ''[growls]'' Leave! Vacate the premises! Take your axe and get out! 
:'''The Once-ler''': And who are you? ''[pokes the Lorax]''
:'''The Lorax''': Hey, hey! I'm the Lorax, guardian of the forest. I speak for the trees. ''[The Once-ler stares at him]'' So you're telling me that you didn't see me magically appear out of that stump, with all the lightning and thunder and stuff. You didn't see any of that?
:'''The Once-ler''': No, but that sounds amazing. Can I see some of that?
:'''The Lorax''': Uh, yeah. I could show you, but that's not how it works.
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[condescending]'' OK, um... Didn’t really happen. Oh, I know what you want! ''[pokes Lorax’s nose, He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a Marshmallow. Holds it out.]'' ''[baby talk]'' I’ve got one of these for the cutest little guy I ever saw. Yummy-yummy-yummy... ''[The Lorax stares at the marshmallow]''
:'''The Lorax''': How dare you! Give me that! ''[grabs the marshmallow. Sniffs it. It smells good]'' Mmm. I'm going to eat this, but I am highly offended by it.''[plops it into his mouth, then makes his way over to the Once-ler’s tent-house which is being supported by stakes and ropes. He kicks out a stake and the canvas starts to sag]''
:'''The Once-ler''': Whoa! What are you... Hey, Mustache! Will you stop that? ''[The Lorax continues circling around the tent-house pulling up stakes. He grabs his hammer and follows, pounding them back in.]'' What's your deal, man?
:'''The Lorax''': ''[They circle faster and faster around the tent-houses he pull up each stake and the Once-ler pounding them back in.]'' Time for you to go, Beanpole!
:'''The Once-ler''': Pull them right out. Just going to put them right back in. We can do this all day.
:''[until the Once-ler turns a corner and is about to bring his hammer down on Pipsqueak. The Lorax has placed him right where the stake would have been. The Lorax holds up his hand to stop the Once-ler]''
:'''The Lorax''': Stop right there! Stop it! So you would hammer one of nature's innocent creatures?
:''[The Lorax pats Pipsqueak on the head and he happily runs offscreen]''
:'''The Once-ler''': What? No! I would never hit this little guy. You, on the other hand, I would gladly pound you and your mustache into the ground!
:''[The Lorax turns to all of the watching animals]''
:'''The Lorax''': Behold! The intruder and his violent ways. ''[To Once-Ler]'' Shame on you. For shame!
:''[The Once-ler drops the hammer and hides it behind his feet. Then he sees all of the animals nodding their heads in agreement. He’s had it.
:'''The Once-ler''': All right, you know what? That's it! ''[Points at Lorax]'' You listen to me, you furry meatloaf. I'm going to chop down as many trees as I need. Okay? Newsflash! Not going anywhere! End of story. ''[He turns and enters his cottage. His sticks his tongue out and does Raspberries to the Lorax before slamming the door behind him! He sighs heavily, shaking his head]''
:'''The Lorax''': Then you leave me no choice. ''[Startled, the Once-ler turns and sees that the Lorax is somehow inside with him. He points a threatening finger at the Once-ler and speaks in a spooky voice as if he’s casting a spell]'' If you're not gone by the time the sun sets on this valley, all the forces of nature will be unleashed upon you and curse you until the end of your days! You have been warned. ''[Lorax turns to make a dramatic exit, but can’t reach the doorknob of Once-ler’s door. He hops a couple of times. Finally, the Once-ler lets him out.]'' Thanks.
:'''The Once-ler''': Yeah, okay.
:'''The Lorax''': You have been warned.
:''[The Lorax storms out and slams the door, leaving the Once-ler alone in his cottage.]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Once-ler''': Why are you so interested in trees anyway? Why aren't you like other kids? Break-dancing and wearing bell-bottoms and playing the Donkey Kongs?
:'''Ted''': ''[laughs]'' Yeah. Right, right. I don't know. Uh, I just thought it might be kinda cool to have one, you know. 
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[knowingly]'' Aaah, it's a girl, isn't it?
:'''Ted''': ''[scoffs]'' What? No!
:'''The Once-ler''': Really? 'Cause when a guy does something stupid once, well, that's because he's a guy, but if he does the same stupid thing ''twice'', that's usually to impress some girl.
:'''Ted''': ''[about Audrey]'' Hey, she is not some girlǃ She's a woman… in high school… and she loves trees, and I'm gonna get her one.
:'''The Once-ler''': Aww. How nice to see someone so undeterred by things like ''reality''.
:'''Ted''': ''[sincerely]'' Thank you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[has just been revived by the Lorax]'' I was heading into the light, and you pulled me right back, and here I am! ''[hugs the Lorax]'' You saved my life!
:'''The Lorax''': Yeah, I did, but you know, it's not that big a deal.
:'''The Once-ler''': It is a big deal! Look, I almost went over that waterfall! ''[realizes]'' Wait... On my bed. How did my bed get in the river?
:'''The Lorax''': Uh, about that, uh... actually, um... ''[mumbles]'' I put your bed in the water. ''[The Once-ler drops him in shock]'' I didn't mean you any harm. I just wanted to calmly float you away. Look, everyone here needs the trees and you're chopping them down! So, we've got a big problem.
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[Pipsqueak nuzzling at Once-Ler's feet, to the Lorax]'' Alright, look. I hereby swear that I will never chop down another tree. I promise. ''(Are you happy now?)''
:'''The Lorax''': Thank you, but I'm going to keep my eye on you.
:'''The Once-ler''': Now, I've got a big day tomorrow, and I'm gonna get some sleep. ''[walks away, then comes back]'' Right after I find my bed.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[screams and wakes up to find the Lorax sleeping in his bed, the Lorax also screams and wakes up, accidentally punching the Once-ler's nose in the process]'' Ow! Uh, okay, what are you...? ''[stops upon noticing that the Bar-ba-loots, Humming Fish, and Swommee-Swans are also sleeping in his house]'' Question, what are ''they'' doing here? And, uh, follow up if I may, what are ''you'' doing here?!
:'''The Lorax''': ''[chuckles embarrassingly]'' Well, after the incident last night, we found one of your socks and came here to return it, but when we got here, you were asleep. 
:'''The Once-ler''': What? ''[looks up to see a sleeping Bar-ba-loot drooling down on him]'' Eww. Exactly, and sleeping is the body's way of telling other people to go away.
:'''The Lorax''': I know, but you looked so cozy. And it was cold outside, and we just fell asleep. No harm done.
:'''The Once-ler''': &quot;No harm done&quot;, &quot;no harm done&quot;? Ugh! Okay. ''[sees Humming Fish bathing in soap]'' Okay, I put my lips on those. Well, I used to, anyway. ''[sees Swommee-Swan laying an egg]'' Ew. Did you just... in my bowl?!
:'''The Lorax''': ''[uses the Once-ler's toothbrush to comb his mustache]'' Why do you even own this? You don't have a mustache.
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[disgusted and angry]'' Ugh! Okay, that's it!
:'''The Lorax''': What? I thought we made a deal last night.
:'''The Once-ler''': Yes, we did. And I said I wouldn't chop down any more trees.
:'''The Lorax''': And I said I was going to keep an eye on you. I'm starving! What's for breakfast? ''[looks into the fridge to find the big Bar-ba-loot eating entire cubes of butter]'' Breakfast is overrated. ''[closes the fridge door]''
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[strains]'' You know what? I got work to do. ''[quickly changes outfit]'' Yep! I got to go into town and sell my Thneed!
:'''The Lorax''': ''[when the Once-ler shows the Thneed to him; laughs]'' You chopped down one of my trees to make that piece of garbage?
:'''The Once-ler''': &quot;Garbage&quot;? Oh, no. Oh, no! You do not get it. This is a revolutionary product that will change the world as we know it. ''[walks over to the Bar-ba-loots sleeping on the table and brushes them all off]'' It has 1,000,000 uses! ''[He reaches under the table and pulls up Lou who is now wearing the Thneed as underwear]'' Look at this. It's a swimsuit! ''[Then he points to the muddy animal tracks on the floor.]'' Mud tracked all over your floor by uninvited guests? Well, the Thneed sure comes in handy for that! ''[He uses it to wipe up the mud tracks]'' But wait, there's more! Thanks to its all-natural microfibers, the Thneed is super-absorbent! ''[Then he goes to the fish swimming a glass filled with water. Shoves the Thneed into the glass. SLUUUURP! It instantly soaks up all the water, leaving the irritated fish standing in the dry glass.]'' It also works as a hat. ''[plops the Thneed onto Lorax’s head. SPLURCH! It’s sopping wet and drips all over him. The Lorax gives the Once- ler a look]'' Of course, you probably want to wring it out first.
:'''The Lorax''': ''[takes the Thneed off his head and throws it at the Once-ler.]'' Go ahead. Knock yourself out, but nobody is going to buy that thing.
:'''The Once-ler''': Good to know. Well, fortunately, you are not the target market, weirdo.
:''[The Once-ler strums his guitar.]''
:'''The Lorax''': You're bringing a guitar?
:'''The Once-ler''': Oh, yeah. I got a little jingle. I'm gonna blow some minds, gonna sell some Thneeds! ''[He holds up the Thneed defiantly.]'' Yeah. ''[slams the door, waking up a Swommee-Swan, who HONKS.]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[In deleted scene, The Man tosses the Thneed which lands on a nerdy teen girl's head, knocking her glasses off and letting her hair down. She slowly flips her hair with the Thneed on her head as if there was supposed to be a dramatic change to her appearance.]''
:'''Teen Boy''': Hey. Cool hat.
:'''Teen Girl 1''': Oh, my gosh. I totally want one.
:'''Teen Girl 2''': That thing makes me like you more.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grizelda''': ''[referring to the Lorax]'' So, who invited the giant furry peanut?
:'''The Lorax''': You callin' me a peanut, huh? I'll go right up your nose!
:'''Grizelda''': Ha! ''[advances on him]''
:'''The Once-ler''': Whoa, whoa, whoa! You wouldn't hit a woman.
:'''The Lorax''': ''[gasps]'' That's a ''woman''?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Lorax''': Happy yet? You filled that hole deep down inside you, or do you still need more?
:'''The Once-ler''': Look, if you've got a problem with what I'm doing, why haven't you used your quote-unquote &quot;powers&quot; to stop me?
:'''The Lorax''': I told you, that's not how it works.
:'''The Once-ler''': Right, I forgot... you're a fraud! I need you to get out! Now!
:'''The Lorax''': Why? Do I make you uncomfortable,  remind you of the promises you made, the man you used to be?
:'''The Once-ler''': You know what? You can just shut your mustache! ''[Begins inching towards the Lorax, who backs away]'' My conscience is clear. I have done nothing illegal, I have my rights, and I intend to keep on biggering and biggering, and turning more Truffula trees in to Thneeds! ''[The Lorax falls backwards and hits the ground.]'' '''And nothing is going to stop me!'''
:''[In the distance, a loud motor is heard. The Once-ler and Lorax both look and see the VERY LAST TRUFFULA TREE being chopped down by a Super Axe-Hacker.]''
:'''The Lorax''': That's it. The very last one. That may stop you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bernice''': Ted, I would like you to meet Mr. O'Hare, the most powerful man in town.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': ''[Ted's eyes widen in shock and surprise]'' There he is! Hello, Ted.
:'''Ted''': ''[nervously]'' Uh... Hi.
:'''Bernice''': Isn't he clever, Mr. O'Hare? He knows his own name and everything.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': You know what I would love right now, Mrs. Wiggins? A delicious cookie. Wonderful. Teddy and I'll stay here and talk.
:'''Bernice''': Sure, why don't you go ahead and adopt him? I'm just kidding. That was a joke. I was just joking. I'll get your cookie.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': I know you have it, Ted. So, let's put an end to this nonsense, shall we? ''[Ted angrily faces him]'' Hand it over.
:'''Ted''': I'm sorry... I don't know what you're talking about.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': Really? Well, then... I guess you wouldn't mind us checking your room.
:'''Ted''': No, no, no!
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': Morty! McGurk! Find the seed!
:'''Ted''': No, you can't go up there! Guys, this is ridiculous. Stop! Hey! No, you can't come in my room!
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': Find it! ''[O'Hare barges into Ted's room trying to find and destroy the Truffula seed]'' Find it!
:'''Bernice''': What is going on here?
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': ''[to Bernice, after she comes up stairs and stares on in shock]'' '''THIS DOESN'T INVOLVE YOU!''' Get back downstairs!
:'''Bernice''': ''[to O’Hare]'' Excuse me, down there! I don't care who you are, you little crazy baby-man! Get out of my house now. This is outrageous.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': Fine. Sorry. ''[chuckles]'' Must have been a misunderstanding. We'll be leaving now. And my apologies, Ted. You be safe. ''[O’Hare takes the plate of cookies that Mrs. Wiggins is holding, and she splutters.]''
:'''Bernice''': Mind telling me what's going on here?
:'''Ted''': The seed! Where is it?
:'''Bernice''': Seed?
:''[Ted finds Grammy Norma's cane]''
:'''Ted''': Where's Grammy?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Audrey''': ''[to Ted]'' I could just kiss you right now! ''[Ted and Audrey lean in to kiss, but Bernice stops them]''
:'''Bernice''': ''Oop!'' We don't have time for that!
:'''Ted''': I dunno, we have a little time. ''[Audrey and Bernice stare at him]'' You know what? Let's just go. Let's go. Forget about it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Once-ler, now elderly with a white mustache, reunites with the Lorax, laughing]''
:'''The Lorax''': You done good, Beanpole. You done good. ''[short pause as he hugs his old friend for a moment, then chuckles]'' By the way, nice mustache.

== Tagline ==
* &quot;UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is gonna get better. It's not.&quot; — Dr. Seuss

== About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' ==
* One of the funny things that we discovered was that because they don't look like trees or animals that we understand or relate to directly, you have to create, based on Seuss' illustrations, something that's believable. Because the Truffula trees are beautiful -- they look like cotton candy. But, by the same token, you have to create something that the audience feels something for. So it can't just feel like Candy Land; you have to buy it as a real forest. So we looked at Birch trees and then figured out how to make those wonderful illustrations work in a 3-D movie. It's a real fantasy forest that you could relate to when it's being chopped down.
* We had a design that was very city-like and very dense, which wasn't quite working. But we went back and looked at a little drawing in the upper corner of the page when the little boy is first coming to look at the Lorax. And we sort of used that as our basis: it's got these big, curvy roads and a couple of building shapes. In some ways, the easier choice would've been to create a Blade Runner-like dystopian future with smog. But of course we wanted to create something that was fun and entertaining, but in some way relates a little more about where we are today, with inflatable bushes and plastic flowers and fake nature that still has a sense of fun, much like Disneyland or Las Vegas or Dubai. So, in the movie that felt like a great way to go but also suggesting that you have to be careful to maintain balance with nature so it can be sustained.
:* Chris Renaud [http://www.awn.com/animationworld/chris-renaud-talks-lorax/ &quot;Chris Renaud Talks 'The Lorax'&quot;], as interviewed by Bill Desowitz,  ''Animation World Network'', Friday, March 2, 2012.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Danny DeVito|Danny DeVito]] — The Lorax
* [[w:Ed Helms|Ed Helms]] — The Once-ler
* [[w:Zac Efron|Zac Efron]] — Ted
* [[Taylor Swift]] — Audrey
* [[w:Rob Riggle|Rob Riggle]] — Mr. O'Hare
* [[w:Jenny Slate|Jenny Slate]] — Bernice
* [[w:Betty White|Betty White]] — Grammy Norma
* [[w:Jeff Bennett|Jeff Glen Bennett]] — Morty
* [[w:Nasim Pedrad|Nasim Pedrad]] — Isabella
* [[w:Elmarie Wendel|Elmarie Wendel]] — Grizelda
* [[Stephen Tobolowsky]] — Ubb
* [[w:Danny Cooksey|Danny Cooksey]] — Brett &amp; Chet

== See Also ==
* [[How the Grinch Stole Christmas (film)|How the Grinch Stole Christmas]]
* [[The Cat in the Hat (film)|The Cat in the Hat]]
* [[Horton Hears a Who! (film)|Horton Hears a Who! (film)]]

== External Links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=1482459|title=The Lorax}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Lorax (film), The}}
[[Category:2012 films]]
[[Category:2010s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical films]]
[[Category:Animated films based on children's books]]
[[Category:Animated films about bears]]
[[Category:Animated films about birds]]
[[Category:Animated films about fish]]
[[Category:Films based on works by Dr. Seuss]]
[[Category:Films set in forests]]
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'''''[[w:The Lorax (film)|Dr. Seuss's The Lorax]]''''' is a 2012 American [[w:computer animation|computer-animated]] [[w:List of 3-D films|3D]] [[w:musical film|musical]] [[w:comedy film|comedy film]] based on [[Dr. Seuss]]' [[w:children's book|children's book]] [[w:The Lorax|of the same name]]. The film stars [[w:Danny DeVito|Danny DeVito]], [[w:Ed Helms|Ed Helms]], [[w:Zac Efron|Zac Efron]], [[Taylor Swift]], [[w:Rob Riggle|Rob Riggle]], [[w:Jenny Slate|Jenny Slate]], and [[w:Betty White|Betty White]]. It was produced by {{w|Illumination Entertainment}} and was released by {{w|Universal Pictures}} on March 2, 2012, what would have been the 108th birthday of Seuss, who died at age 87 in the year 1991. To be clear, any quotes from the film version that are not taken directly from the book may not have been written by Dr. Seuss.

:''Directed by Chris Renaud. Screenplay by Cinco Paul and Ken Daurio. Produced by Chris Meledandri and Janet Healy.''

== The Lorax ==
* I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees.
* Who taught you guys how to steal a bed?
* ''[notices Pipsqueak on the Once-ler’s bed]'' You gotta be kidding me. ''[to another Bar-ba-loot]'' Can he swim? ''[the Bar-ba-loot shakes his head]'' Of course he can't swim! Hang on, Pipsqueak! I'm comin' to get ya!
* ''[after seeing Pipsqueak take and eat a truffula fruit]'' Ugh, bar-ba-loots.
* ''[To the Once-ler]'' A tree falls in the way it leans. Be careful which way you lean.

== Ted ==
* ''[referring to Audrey; to The Once-ler]'' Hey, she is not some girlǃ She's a woman… in high school… and she loves trees, and I'm gonna get her one.
* I am Ted Wiggins, and I speak for the trees. And the fact is, things aren't perfect here in Thneedville! And they're only gonna get worse unless we do something about it! Unless we change our ways, we can start by planting ''this''! ''[holds up the truffula seed]''

== Audrey ==
* ''[Referring to her mural]'' Those are trees. ''Real ones.'' They used to grow all around here. And people said that the touch of their tufts was softer than anything, even silk. And they smelled like butterfly milk.
* What I want more than anything in the whole world is to see a real living tree, growing in my backyard.

== The Once-ler ==
* ''[He puts on a pair of work gloves and grabs a large axe]'' Alright, here we go. About to make a Thneed, about to change the world.
* Check it out, guys. ''[looks around, noticing all of the animals are gone]'' Where did everybody go? ''[shrugs, then grabs the tree by the trunk and drags it away toward his cottage]''
* Little did I know that by chopping down that tree I had just summoned a mystical creature as old as time itself. The legendary, slightly annoying guardian of the forest. The Lorax.
* ''[admiring his first thneed]'' Now that's a thneed! Nothing unmanly about knitting. No sir!
* Oh, yeah! We're in business, baby! ''[closing Everybody Needs a Thneed]'' Mom? Hey, it's me! I told you I was going to be a success! You need to bring the whole family here right now. We're going to be rich! What? I'm going to need all the help I can get. Don't worry.
* ''[closing How Bad Can I Be]'' All the customers are buying, and the money's multiplying, and the PR people are lying, ''[A Thneed is thrown on the Lorax as a picture is taken. A billboard featuring the picture reads &quot;Lorax Approved&quot;]'' and the lawyers are denying. Who cares if a few trees are dying? This is all so gratifying! How bad, how bad can this possibly be?!
* ''[To Ted]'' Because Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better... It's not.
* ''[To Ted; referring to the last Truffula seed]'' Plant the seed in the middle of town where everyone can see! Change the way things are. I know it may seem small and insignificant, but it's not about what it is, it's about what it can become. That's not just a seed... any more than you're just a boy.
* ''[opens the window for the first time as he hears the city singing &quot;Let it Grow&quot; and is on the verge of tears]'' Thank you, Ted.

== Mr. O'Hare ==
* ''[reffering to Ted]'' What?! Why is he leaving town? '''NO ONE EVER LEAVES TOWN!''' See what he's up to.
* You listen to me, boy. Don't go poking around in things you don't understand, or I'll be your worst nightmare. I'm Frankenstein's head on a spider's body!
* You've got a beautiful town here, Ted. Lots of fun stuff to occupy your short attention span. I can't think of any reason you'd ever wanna go outside of town again. Ever.
* Nobody beats Aloysius O'Hare! ''[the elevator shuts]'' What?! ''[grunts &quot;Damn it!&quot;]''
* Bring it on, Teddy! You don't have the guts!
* ''[going after Ted and Audrey and Grammy Norma, who have the Truffula seed, through a megaphone]'' '''YOU WON'T GET AWAY WITH THIS, BOY! BANG!'''
* ''[last words as he sings &quot;Let It Die&quot;]'' C'mon, who's with me, huh?

== Dialogue ==
:'''Ted''': So, anyway, let's just say, I need a tree. Where would I go? What do I do?
:'''Grammy Norma''': Oh, then you know what? You'd need to find the Once-ler.
:'''Ted''': The what?
:'''Bernice Wiggins''': Mom, it's not really the time for one of your, you know, magical fables, OK?
:'''Grammy Norma''': ''[laughs]'' That's right, I forgot. I'm old, and can't even remember to put my teeth in!
:'''Bernice''': Stand down. That's not what I meant.
:'''Grammy Norma''': No, really, I forgot my teeth. Would you be a dear and go get them for me?
:'''Bernice''': ''[sighs]'' Sure, Mom.
:'''Grammy Norma''': Okay, here the deal. The Once-ler's the man who knows what happened to the trees. If you want one, you need to find him.
:'''Ted''': The Once-ler?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ted gets pulled up by a rope and pulley to the second floor window where the Once-ler confronts him angrily.]''
:'''Once-ler''': Who are you? Who are you and what are you doing here?!
:'''Ted''': I'm Ted. I'm Ted. Oh, I can't breathe. Are you the Once-ler? Oh, man. 
:'''Once-ler''': Didn't you read the signs? No one is supposed to come here. Get out of here and leave me alone! And don't let the boot hit you on the way out.
:'''Ted''': The boot? ''[gets kicked by said boot from behind]'' Whoa, hello! Ow! Listen! People say that if someone brings you this stuff that you will tell them about trees. ''[gets grabbed again]'' No, no, no!
:'''Once-ler''': Trees?
:'''Ted''': Yeah, real ones. You know, that grow out of the ground? ''[pause]'' Hello?
:'''Once-ler''': Sorry, it's just... Well, I didn't think anyone still cared about trees.
:'''Ted''': Well, that's me. The guy who still cares. I'm here. ''[gets put back down]'' Hey, hey! What? Whoa!
:'''The Once-ler''': You wanna know about trees, about what happened to them, (and) why they're all gone? ''[softly]'' {{small|It's because of me.}}
:'''Ted''': Wait, what? ''[A Whisper-ma-Phone chutes down to him. He leans in to hear.]''
:'''Once-ler''': ''[shouts] &lt;big&gt;'''IT'S BECAUSE OF ME!'''&lt;/big&gt; [Ted coughs]'' And my invention, the Thneed. It was an amazing product that could do the job of 1,000.
:'''Ted''': All right. Sounds ridiculous, but I mean, that's cool. 
:'''Once-ler''': You're darn right it was cool! ''[starting to explain what happened to the trees]'' It all started a long time ago.
:'''Ted''': Can we start not so long ago, maybe?
:'''Once-ler''': Do you want a tree?
:'''Ted''': Yes, yes. (Go on.)
:'''Once-ler''': Then it all started a long, &lt;big&gt;''long''&lt;/big&gt; time ago. ''[scene flashes back to the Once-ler as a young man]'' I was a young man leaving home.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ted''': ''[interrupting the story]'' Hey, hey, hey, hey, wait. Wait a minute.
:'''Once-ler''': Excuse me?
:'''Ted''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah. That's awesome. You know, feeding junk food to forest animals? That's great. But, uh, is there a musical number where you show me how to get a tree? 'Cause I'd love to hear that one.
:'''Once-ler''': Oh, yes. Right after the musical number about the kid who kept interrupting the story and was never heard from ever again. Hmm?
:'''Ted''': Right. Got it. Proceed.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Lorax''':  ''[first meeting the Once-ler]'' Hey!
:''[The Once-ler shrieks and falls backwards]''
:'''The Lorax''': Did you chop down this tree?
:'''Once-ler''': Uh, no. Who did it? ''[gasps]'' What's that?! ''[the Lorax looks back and Once-ler drops his axe on Pipsqueak the Bar-ba-loot, blaming him]'' I think he did it.
:'''The Lorax''': ''[growls]'' Leave! Vacate the premises! Take your axe and get out! 
:'''The Once-ler''': And who are you? ''[pokes the Lorax]''
:'''The Lorax''': Hey, hey! I'm the Lorax, guardian of the forest. I speak for the trees. ''[The Once-ler stares at him]'' So you're telling me that you didn't see me magically appear out of that stump, with all the lightning and thunder and stuff. You didn't see any of that?
:'''The Once-ler''': No, but that sounds amazing. Can I see some of that?
:'''The Lorax''': Uh, yeah. I could show you, but that's not how it works.
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[condescending]'' OK, um... Didn’t really happen. Oh, I know what you want! ''[pokes Lorax’s nose, He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a Marshmallow. Holds it out.]'' ''[baby talk]'' I’ve got one of these for the cutest little guy I ever saw. Yummy-yummy-yummy... ''[The Lorax stares at the marshmallow]''
:'''The Lorax''': How dare you! Give me that! ''[grabs the marshmallow. Sniffs it. It smells good]'' Mmm. I'm going to eat this, but I am highly offended by it.''[plops it into his mouth, then makes his way over to the Once-ler’s tent-house which is being supported by stakes and ropes. He kicks out a stake and the canvas starts to sag]''
:'''The Once-ler''': Whoa! What are you... Hey, Mustache! Will you stop that? ''[The Lorax continues circling around the tent-house pulling up stakes. He grabs his hammer and follows, pounding them back in.]'' What's your deal, man?
:'''The Lorax''': ''[They circle faster and faster around the tent-houses he pull up each stake and the Once-ler pounding them back in.]'' Time for you to go, Beanpole!
:'''The Once-ler''': Pull them right out. Just going to put them right back in. We can do this all day.
:''[until the Once-ler turns a corner and is about to bring his hammer down on Pipsqueak. The Lorax has placed him right where the stake would have been. The Lorax holds up his hand to stop the Once-ler]''
:'''The Lorax''': Stop right there! Stop it! So you would hammer one of nature's innocent creatures?
:''[The Lorax pats Pipsqueak on the head and he happily runs offscreen]''
:'''The Once-ler''': What? No! I would never hit this little guy. You, on the other hand, I would gladly pound you and your mustache into the ground!
:''[The Lorax turns to all of the watching animals]''
:'''The Lorax''': Behold! The intruder and his violent ways. ''[To Once-Ler]'' Shame on you. For shame!
:''[The Once-ler drops the hammer and hides it behind his feet. Then he sees all of the animals nodding their heads in agreement. He’s had it.
:'''The Once-ler''': All right, you know what? That's it! ''[Points at Lorax]'' You listen to me, you furry meatloaf. I'm going to chop down as many trees as I need. Okay? Newsflash! Not going anywhere! End of story. ''[He turns and enters his cottage. His sticks his tongue out and does Raspberries to the Lorax before slamming the door behind him! He sighs heavily, shaking his head]''
:'''The Lorax''': Then you leave me no choice. ''[Startled, the Once-ler turns and sees that the Lorax is somehow inside with him. He points a threatening finger at the Once-ler and speaks in a spooky voice as if he’s casting a spell]'' If you're not gone by the time the sun sets on this valley, all the forces of nature will be unleashed upon you and curse you until the end of your days! You have been warned. ''[Lorax turns to make a dramatic exit, but can’t reach the doorknob of Once-ler’s door. He hops a couple of times. Finally, the Once-ler lets him out.]'' Thanks.
:'''The Once-ler''': Yeah, okay.
:'''The Lorax''': You have been warned.
:''[The Lorax storms out and slams the door, leaving the Once-ler alone in his cottage.]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Once-ler''': Why are you so interested in trees anyway? Why aren't you like other kids? Break-dancing and wearing bell-bottoms and playing the Donkey Kongs?
:'''Ted''': ''[laughs]'' Yeah. Right, right. I don't know. Uh, I just thought it might be kinda cool to have one, you know. 
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[knowingly]'' Aaah, it's a girl, isn't it?
:'''Ted''': ''[scoffs]'' What? No!
:'''The Once-ler''': Really? 'Cause when a guy does something stupid once, well, that's because he's a guy, but if he does the same stupid thing ''twice'', that's usually to impress some girl.
:'''Ted''': ''[about Audrey]'' Hey, she is not some girlǃ She's a woman… in high school… and she loves trees, and I'm gonna get her one.
:'''The Once-ler''': Aww. How nice to see someone so undeterred by things like ''reality''.
:'''Ted''': ''[sincerely]'' Thank you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[has just been revived by the Lorax]'' I was heading into the light, and you pulled me right back, and here I am! ''[hugs the Lorax]'' You saved my life!
:'''The Lorax''': Yeah, I did, but you know, it's not that big a deal.
:'''The Once-ler''': It is a big deal! Look, I almost went over that waterfall! ''[realizes]'' Wait... On my bed. How did my bed get in the river?
:'''The Lorax''': Uh, about that, uh... actually, um... ''[mumbles]'' I put your bed in the water. ''[The Once-ler drops him in shock]'' I didn't mean you any harm. I just wanted to calmly float you away. Look, everyone here needs the trees and you're chopping them down! So, we've got a big problem.
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[Pipsqueak nuzzling at Once-Ler's feet, to the Lorax]'' Alright, look. I hereby swear that I will never chop down another tree. I promise. ''(Are you happy now?)''
:'''The Lorax''': Thank you, but I'm going to keep my eye on you.
:'''The Once-ler''': Now, I've got a big day tomorrow, and I'm gonna get some sleep. ''[walks away, then comes back]'' Right after I find my bed.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[screams and wakes up to find the Lorax sleeping in his bed, the Lorax also screams and wakes up, accidentally punching the Once-ler's nose in the process]'' Ow! Okay, uh, what are you...? ''[stops upon noticing that the Bar-ba-loots, Humming Fish, and Swommee-Swans are also sleeping in his house]'' Question, what are ''they'' doing here? And, uh, follow up if I may, what are ''you'' doing here?!
:'''The Lorax''': ''[chuckles embarrassingly]'' Well, after the incident last night, we found one of your socks and came here to return it, but when we got here, you were asleep. 
:'''The Once-ler''': What? ''[looks up to see a sleeping Bar-ba-loot drooling down on him]'' Eww! Exactly, and sleeping is the body's way of telling other people to go away.
:'''The Lorax''': I know, but you looked so cozy. And it was cold outside, and we just fell asleep. No harm done.
:'''The Once-ler''': &quot;No harm done&quot;, &quot;no harm done&quot;? Ugh! Okay. ''[sees Humming Fish bathing in soap]'' Okay, I put my lips on those. Well, I used to, anyway. ''[sees Swommee-Swan laying an egg]'' Ew. Did you just... in my bowl?!
:'''The Lorax''': ''[uses the Once-ler's toothbrush to comb his mustache]'' Why do you even own this? You don't have a mustache.
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[disgusted and angry]'' Ugh! Okay, that's it!
:'''The Lorax''': What? I thought we made a deal last night.
:'''The Once-ler''': Yes, we did. And I said I wouldn't chop down any more trees.
:'''The Lorax''': And I said I was going to keep an eye on you. I'm starving! What's for breakfast? ''[looks into the fridge to find the big Bar-ba-loot eating entire cubes of butter]'' Breakfast is overrated. ''[closes the fridge door]''
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[strains]'' You know what? I got work to do. ''[quickly changes outfit]'' Yep! I got to go into town and sell my Thneed!
:'''The Lorax''': ''[when the Once-ler shows the Thneed to him; laughs]'' You chopped down one of my trees to make that piece of garbage?
:'''The Once-ler''': &quot;Garbage&quot;? Oh, no. Oh, no! You do not get it. This is a revolutionary product that will change the world as we know it. ''[walks over to the Bar-ba-loots sleeping on the table and brushes them all off]'' It has 1,000,000 uses! ''[He reaches under the table and pulls up Lou who is now wearing the Thneed as underwear]'' Look at this. It's a swimsuit! ''[Then he points to the muddy animal tracks on the floor.]'' Mud tracked all over your floor by uninvited guests? Well, the Thneed sure comes in handy for that! ''[He uses it to wipe up the mud tracks]'' But wait, there's more! Thanks to its all-natural microfibers, the Thneed is super-absorbent! ''[Then he goes to the fish swimming a glass filled with water. Shoves the Thneed into the glass. SLUUUURP! It instantly soaks up all the water, leaving the irritated fish standing in the dry glass.]'' It also works as a hat. ''[plops the Thneed onto Lorax’s head. SPLURCH! It’s sopping wet and drips all over him. The Lorax gives the Once- ler a look]'' Of course, you probably want to wring it out first.
:'''The Lorax''': ''[takes the Thneed off his head and throws it at the Once-ler.]'' Go ahead. Knock yourself out, but nobody is going to buy that thing.
:'''The Once-ler''': Good to know. Well, fortunately, you are not the target market, weirdo.
:''[The Once-ler strums his guitar.]''
:'''The Lorax''': You're bringing a guitar?
:'''The Once-ler''': Oh, yeah. I got a little jingle. I'm gonna blow some minds, gonna sell some Thneeds! ''[He holds up the Thneed defiantly.]'' Yeah. ''[slams the door, waking up a Swommee-Swan, who HONKS.]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[In deleted scene, The Man tosses the Thneed which lands on a nerdy teen girl's head, knocking her glasses off and letting her hair down. She slowly flips her hair with the Thneed on her head as if there was supposed to be a dramatic change to her appearance.]''
:'''Teen Boy''': Hey. Cool hat.
:'''Teen Girl 1''': Oh, my gosh. I totally want one.
:'''Teen Girl 2''': That thing makes me like you more.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grizelda''': ''[referring to the Lorax]'' So, who invited the giant furry peanut?
:'''The Lorax''': You callin' me a peanut, huh? I'll go right up your nose!
:'''Grizelda''': Ha! ''[advances on him]''
:'''The Once-ler''': Whoa, whoa, whoa! You wouldn't hit a woman.
:'''The Lorax''': ''[gasps]'' That's a ''woman''?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Lorax''': Happy yet? You filled that hole deep down inside you, or do you still need more?
:'''The Once-ler''': Look, if you've got a problem with what I'm doing, why haven't you used your quote-unquote &quot;powers&quot; to stop me?
:'''The Lorax''': I told you, that's not how it works.
:'''The Once-ler''': Right, I forgot... you're a fraud! I need you to get out! Now!
:'''The Lorax''': Why? Do I make you uncomfortable,  remind you of the promises you made, the man you used to be?
:'''The Once-ler''': You know what? You can just shut your mustache! ''[Begins inching towards the Lorax, who backs away]'' My conscience is clear. I have done nothing illegal, I have my rights, and I intend to keep on biggering and biggering, and turning more Truffula trees in to Thneeds! ''[The Lorax falls backwards and hits the ground.]'' '''And nothing is going to stop me!'''
:''[In the distance, a loud motor is heard. The Once-ler and Lorax both look and see the VERY LAST TRUFFULA TREE being chopped down by a Super Axe-Hacker.]''
:'''The Lorax''': That's it. The very last one. That may stop you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bernice''': Ted, I would like you to meet Mr. O'Hare, the most powerful man in town.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': ''[Ted's eyes widen in shock and surprise]'' There he is! Hello, Ted.
:'''Ted''': ''[nervously]'' Uh... Hi.
:'''Bernice''': Isn't he clever, Mr. O'Hare? He knows his own name and everything.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': You know what I would love right now, Mrs. Wiggins? A delicious cookie. Wonderful. Teddy and I'll stay here and talk.
:'''Bernice''': Sure, why don't you go ahead and adopt him? I'm just kidding. That was a joke. I was just joking. I'll get your cookie.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': I know you have it, Ted. So, let's put an end to this nonsense, shall we? ''[Ted angrily faces him]'' Hand it over.
:'''Ted''': I'm sorry... I don't know what you're talking about.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': Really? Well, then... I guess you wouldn't mind us checking your room.
:'''Ted''': No, no, no!
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': Morty! McGurk! Find the seed!
:'''Ted''': No, you can't go up there! Guys, this is ridiculous. Stop! Hey! No, you can't come in my room!
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': Find it! ''[O'Hare barges into Ted's room trying to find and destroy the Truffula seed]'' Find it!
:'''Bernice''': What is going on here?
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': ''[to Bernice, after she comes up stairs and stares on in shock]'' '''THIS DOESN'T INVOLVE YOU!''' Get back downstairs!
:'''Bernice''': ''[to O’Hare]'' Excuse me, down there! I don't care who you are, you little crazy baby-man! Get out of my house now. This is outrageous.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': Fine. Sorry. ''[chuckles]'' Must have been a misunderstanding. We'll be leaving now. And my apologies, Ted. You be safe. ''[O’Hare takes the plate of cookies that Mrs. Wiggins is holding, and she splutters.]''
:'''Bernice''': Mind telling me what's going on here?
:'''Ted''': The seed! Where is it?
:'''Bernice''': Seed?
:''[Ted finds Grammy Norma's cane]''
:'''Ted''': Where's Grammy?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Audrey''': ''[to Ted]'' I could just kiss you right now! ''[Ted and Audrey lean in to kiss, but Bernice stops them]''
:'''Bernice''': ''Oop!'' We don't have time for that!
:'''Ted''': I dunno, we have a little time. ''[Audrey and Bernice stare at him]'' You know what? Let's just go. Let's go. Forget about it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Once-ler, now elderly with a white mustache, reunites with the Lorax, laughing]''
:'''The Lorax''': You done good, Beanpole. You done good. ''[short pause as he hugs his old friend for a moment, then chuckles]'' By the way, nice mustache.

== Tagline ==
* &quot;UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is gonna get better. It's not.&quot; — Dr. Seuss

== About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' ==
* One of the funny things that we discovered was that because they don't look like trees or animals that we understand or relate to directly, you have to create, based on Seuss' illustrations, something that's believable. Because the Truffula trees are beautiful -- they look like cotton candy. But, by the same token, you have to create something that the audience feels something for. So it can't just feel like Candy Land; you have to buy it as a real forest. So we looked at Birch trees and then figured out how to make those wonderful illustrations work in a 3-D movie. It's a real fantasy forest that you could relate to when it's being chopped down.
* We had a design that was very city-like and very dense, which wasn't quite working. But we went back and looked at a little drawing in the upper corner of the page when the little boy is first coming to look at the Lorax. And we sort of used that as our basis: it's got these big, curvy roads and a couple of building shapes. In some ways, the easier choice would've been to create a Blade Runner-like dystopian future with smog. But of course we wanted to create something that was fun and entertaining, but in some way relates a little more about where we are today, with inflatable bushes and plastic flowers and fake nature that still has a sense of fun, much like Disneyland or Las Vegas or Dubai. So, in the movie that felt like a great way to go but also suggesting that you have to be careful to maintain balance with nature so it can be sustained.
:* Chris Renaud [http://www.awn.com/animationworld/chris-renaud-talks-lorax/ &quot;Chris Renaud Talks 'The Lorax'&quot;], as interviewed by Bill Desowitz,  ''Animation World Network'', Friday, March 2, 2012.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Danny DeVito|Danny DeVito]] — The Lorax
* [[w:Ed Helms|Ed Helms]] — The Once-ler
* [[w:Zac Efron|Zac Efron]] — Ted
* [[Taylor Swift]] — Audrey
* [[w:Rob Riggle|Rob Riggle]] — Mr. O'Hare
* [[w:Jenny Slate|Jenny Slate]] — Bernice
* [[w:Betty White|Betty White]] — Grammy Norma
* [[w:Jeff Bennett|Jeff Glen Bennett]] — Morty
* [[w:Nasim Pedrad|Nasim Pedrad]] — Isabella
* [[w:Elmarie Wendel|Elmarie Wendel]] — Grizelda
* [[Stephen Tobolowsky]] — Ubb
* [[w:Danny Cooksey|Danny Cooksey]] — Brett &amp; Chet

== See Also ==
* [[How the Grinch Stole Christmas (film)|How the Grinch Stole Christmas]]
* [[The Cat in the Hat (film)|The Cat in the Hat]]
* [[Horton Hears a Who! (film)|Horton Hears a Who! (film)]]

== External Links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=1482459|title=The Lorax}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Lorax (film), The}}
[[Category:2012 films]]
[[Category:2010s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical films]]
[[Category:Animated films based on children's books]]
[[Category:Animated films about bears]]
[[Category:Animated films about birds]]
[[Category:Animated films about fish]]
[[Category:Films based on works by Dr. Seuss]]
[[Category:Films set in forests]]
[[Category:Chris Renaud films]]</text>
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'''''[[w:The Lorax (film)|Dr. Seuss's The Lorax]]''''' is a 2012 American [[w:computer animation|computer-animated]] [[w:List of 3-D films|3D]] [[w:musical film|musical]] [[w:comedy film|comedy film]] based on [[Dr. Seuss]]' [[w:children's book|children's book]] [[w:The Lorax|of the same name]]. The film stars [[w:Danny DeVito|Danny DeVito]], [[w:Ed Helms|Ed Helms]], [[w:Zac Efron|Zac Efron]], [[Taylor Swift]], [[w:Rob Riggle|Rob Riggle]], [[w:Jenny Slate|Jenny Slate]], and [[w:Betty White|Betty White]]. It was produced by {{w|Illumination Entertainment}} and was released by {{w|Universal Pictures}} on March 2, 2012, what would have been the 108th birthday of Seuss, who died at age 87 in the year 1991. To be clear, any quotes from the film version that are not taken directly from the book may not have been written by Dr. Seuss.

:''Directed by Chris Renaud. Screenplay by Cinco Paul and Ken Daurio. Produced by Chris Meledandri and Janet Healy.''

== The Lorax ==
* I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees.
* Who taught you guys how to steal a bed?
* ''[notices Pipsqueak on the Once-ler’s bed]'' You gotta be kidding me. ''[to another Bar-ba-loot]'' Can he swim? ''[the Bar-ba-loot shakes his head]'' Of course he can't swim! Hang on, Pipsqueak! I'm comin' to get ya!
* ''[after seeing Pipsqueak take and eat a truffula fruit]'' Ugh, bar-ba-loots.
* ''[To the Once-ler]'' A tree falls in the way it leans. Be careful which way you lean.

== Ted ==
* ''[referring to Audrey; to The Once-ler]'' Hey, she is not some girlǃ She's a woman… in high school… and she loves trees, and I'm gonna get her one.
* I am Ted Wiggins, and I speak for the trees. And the fact is, things aren't perfect here in Thneedville! And they're only gonna get worse unless we do something about it! Unless we change our ways, we can start by planting ''this''! ''[holds up the truffula seed]''

== Audrey ==
* ''[Referring to her mural]'' Those are trees. ''Real ones.'' They used to grow all around here. And people said that the touch of their tufts was softer than anything, even silk. And they smelled like butterfly milk.
* What I want more than anything in the whole world is to see a real living tree, growing in my backyard.

== The Once-ler ==
* ''[He puts on a pair of work gloves and grabs a large axe]'' Alright, here we go. About to make a Thneed, about to change the world.
* Check it out, guys. ''[looks around, noticing all of the animals are gone]'' Where did everybody go? ''[shrugs, then grabs the tree by the trunk and drags it away toward his cottage]''
* Little did I know that by chopping down that tree I had just summoned a mystical creature as old as time itself. The legendary, slightly annoying guardian of the forest. The Lorax.
* ''[admiring his first thneed]'' Now that's a thneed! Nothing unmanly about knitting. No sir!
* Oh, yeah! We're in business, baby! ''[closing Everybody Needs a Thneed]'' Mom? Hey, it's me! I told you I was going to be a success! You need to bring the whole family here right now. We're going to be rich! What? I'm going to need all the help I can get. Don't worry.
* ''[closing How Bad Can I Be]'' All the customers are buying, and the money's multiplying, and the PR people are lying, ''[A Thneed is thrown on the Lorax as a picture is taken. A billboard featuring the picture reads &quot;Lorax Approved&quot;]'' and the lawyers are denying. Who cares if a few trees are dying? This is all so gratifying! How bad, how bad can this possibly be?!
* ''[To Ted]'' Because Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better... It's not.
* ''[To Ted; referring to the last Truffula seed]'' Plant the seed in the middle of town where everyone can see! Change the way things are. I know it may seem small and insignificant, but it's not about what it is, it's about what it can become. That's not just a seed... any more than you're just a boy.
* ''[opens the window for the first time as he hears the city singing &quot;Let it Grow&quot; and is on the verge of tears]'' Thank you, Ted.

== Mr. O'Hare ==
* ''[reffering to Ted]'' What?! Why is he leaving town? '''NO ONE EVER LEAVES TOWN!''' See what he's up to.
* You listen to me, boy. Don't go poking around in things you don't understand, or I'll be your worst nightmare. I'm Frankenstein's head on a spider's body!
* You've got a beautiful town here, Ted. Lots of fun stuff to occupy your short attention span. I can't think of any reason you'd ever wanna go outside of town again. Ever.
* Nobody beats Aloysius O'Hare! ''[the elevator shuts]'' What?! ''[grunts &quot;Damn it!&quot;]''
* Bring it on, Teddy! You don't have the guts!
* ''[going after Ted and Audrey and Grammy Norma, who have the Truffula seed, through a megaphone]'' '''YOU WON'T GET AWAY WITH THIS, BOY! BANG!'''
* ''[last words as he sings &quot;Let It Die&quot;]'' C'mon, who's with me, huh?

== Dialogue ==
:'''Ted''': So, anyway, let's just say, I need a tree. Where would I go? What do I do?
:'''Grammy Norma''': Oh, then you know what? You'd need to find the Once-ler.
:'''Ted''': The what?
:'''Bernice Wiggins''': Mom, it's not really the time for one of your, you know, magical fables, OK?
:'''Grammy Norma''': ''[laughs]'' That's right, I forgot. I'm old, and can't even remember to put my teeth in!
:'''Bernice''': Stand down. That's not what I meant.
:'''Grammy Norma''': No, really, I forgot my teeth. Would you be a dear and go get them for me?
:'''Bernice''': ''[sighs]'' Sure, Mom.
:'''Grammy Norma''': Okay, here the deal. The Once-ler's the man who knows what happened to the trees. If you want one, you need to find him.
:'''Ted''': The Once-ler?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ted gets pulled up by a rope and pulley to the second floor window where the Once-ler confronts him angrily.]''
:'''Once-ler''': Who are you? Who are you and what are you doing here?!
:'''Ted''': I'm Ted. I'm Ted. Oh, I can't breathe. Are you the Once-ler? Oh, man. 
:'''Once-ler''': Didn't you read the signs? No one is supposed to come here. Get out of here and leave me alone! And don't let the boot hit you on the way out.
:'''Ted''': The boot? ''[gets kicked by said boot from behind]'' Whoa, hello! Ow! Listen! People say that if someone brings you this stuff that you will tell them about trees. ''[gets grabbed again]'' No, no, no!
:'''Once-ler''': Trees?
:'''Ted''': Yeah, real ones. You know, that grow out of the ground? ''[pause]'' Hello?
:'''Once-ler''': Sorry, it's just... Well, I didn't think anyone still cared about trees.
:'''Ted''': Well, that's me. The guy who still cares. I'm here. ''[gets put back down]'' Hey, hey! What? Whoa!
:'''The Once-ler''': You wanna know about trees, about what happened to them, (and) why they're all gone? ''[softly]'' {{small|It's because of me.}}
:'''Ted''': Wait, what? ''[A Whisper-ma-Phone chutes down to him. He leans in to hear.]''
:'''Once-ler''': ''[shouts] &lt;big&gt;'''IT'S BECAUSE OF ME!'''&lt;/big&gt; [Ted coughs]'' And my invention, the Thneed. It was an amazing product that could do the job of 1,000.
:'''Ted''': All right. Sounds ridiculous, but I mean, that's cool. 
:'''Once-ler''': You're darn right it was cool! ''[starting to explain what happened to the trees]'' It all started a long time ago.
:'''Ted''': Can we start not so long ago, maybe?
:'''Once-ler''': Do you want a tree?
:'''Ted''': Yes, yes. (Go on.)
:'''Once-ler''': Then it all started a long, &lt;big&gt;''long''&lt;/big&gt; time ago. ''[scene flashes back to the Once-ler as a young man]'' I was a young man leaving home.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ted''': ''[interrupting the story]'' Hey, hey, hey, hey, wait. Wait a minute.
:'''Once-ler''': Excuse me?
:'''Ted''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah. That's awesome. You know, feeding junk food to forest animals? That's great. But, uh, is there a musical number where you show me how to get a tree? 'Cause I'd love to hear that one.
:'''Once-ler''': Oh, yes. Right after the musical number about the kid who kept interrupting the story and was never heard from ever again. Hmm?
:'''Ted''': Right. Got it. Proceed.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Lorax''':  ''[first meeting the Once-ler]'' Hey!
:''[The Once-ler shrieks and falls backwards]''
:'''The Lorax''': Did you chop down this tree?
:'''Once-ler''': Uh, no. Who did it? ''[gasps]'' What's that?! ''[the Lorax looks back and Once-ler drops his axe on Pipsqueak the Bar-ba-loot, blaming him]'' I think he did it.
:'''The Lorax''': ''[growls]'' Leave! Vacate the premises! Take your axe and get out! 
:'''The Once-ler''': And who are you? ''[pokes the Lorax]''
:'''The Lorax''': Hey, hey! I'm the Lorax, guardian of the forest. I speak for the trees. ''[The Once-ler stares at him]'' So you're telling me that you didn't see me magically appear out of that stump, with all the lightning and thunder and stuff. You didn't see any of that?
:'''The Once-ler''': No, but that sounds amazing. Can I see some of that?
:'''The Lorax''': Uh, yeah. I could show you, but that's not how it works.
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[condescending]'' OK, um... Didn’t really happen. Oh, I know what you want! ''[pokes Lorax’s nose, He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a Marshmallow. Holds it out.]'' ''[baby talk]'' I’ve got one of these for the cutest little guy I ever saw. Yummy-yummy-yummy... ''[The Lorax stares at the marshmallow]''
:'''The Lorax''': How dare you! Give me that! ''[grabs the marshmallow. Sniffs it. It smells good]'' Mmm. I'm going to eat this, but I am highly offended by it.''[plops it into his mouth, then makes his way over to the Once-ler’s tent-house which is being supported by stakes and ropes. He kicks out a stake and the canvas starts to sag]''
:'''The Once-ler''': Whoa! What are you... Hey, Mustache! Will you stop that? ''[The Lorax continues circling around the tent-house pulling up stakes. He grabs his hammer and follows, pounding them back in.]'' What's your deal, man?
:'''The Lorax''': ''[They circle faster and faster around the tent-houses he pull up each stake and the Once-ler pounding them back in.]'' Time for you to go, Beanpole!
:'''The Once-ler''': Pull them right out. Just going to put them right back in. We can do this all day.
:''[until the Once-ler turns a corner and is about to bring his hammer down on Pipsqueak. The Lorax has placed him right where the stake would have been. The Lorax holds up his hand to stop the Once-ler]''
:'''The Lorax''': Stop right there! Stop it! So you would hammer one of nature's innocent creatures?
:''[The Lorax pats Pipsqueak on the head and he happily runs offscreen]''
:'''The Once-ler''': What? No! I would never hit this little guy. You, on the other hand, I would gladly pound you and your mustache into the ground!
:''[The Lorax turns to all of the watching animals]''
:'''The Lorax''': Behold! The intruder and his violent ways. ''[To Once-Ler]'' Shame on you. For shame!
:''[The Once-ler drops the hammer and hides it behind his feet. Then he sees all of the animals nodding their heads in agreement. He’s had it.
:'''The Once-ler''': All right, you know what? That's it! ''[Points at Lorax]'' You listen to me, you furry meatloaf. I'm going to chop down as many trees as I need. Okay? Newsflash! Not going anywhere! End of story. ''[He turns and enters his cottage. His sticks his tongue out and does Raspberries to the Lorax before slamming the door behind him! He sighs heavily, shaking his head]''
:'''The Lorax''': Then you leave me no choice. ''[Startled, the Once-ler turns and sees that the Lorax is somehow inside with him. He points a threatening finger at the Once-ler and speaks in a spooky voice as if he’s casting a spell]'' If you're not gone by the time the sun sets on this valley, all the forces of nature will be unleashed upon you and curse you until the end of your days! You have been warned. ''[Lorax turns to make a dramatic exit, but can’t reach the doorknob of Once-ler’s door. He hops a couple of times. Finally, the Once-ler lets him out.]'' Thanks.
:'''The Once-ler''': Yeah, okay.
:'''The Lorax''': You have been warned.
:''[The Lorax storms out and slams the door, leaving the Once-ler alone in his cottage.]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Once-ler''': Why are you so interested in trees anyway? Why aren't you like other kids? Break-dancing and wearing bell-bottoms and playing the Donkey Kongs?
:'''Ted''': ''[laughs]'' Yeah. Right, right. I don't know. Uh, I just thought it might be kinda cool to have one, you know. 
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[knowingly]'' Aaah, it's a girl, isn't it?
:'''Ted''': ''[scoffs]'' What? No!
:'''The Once-ler''': Really? 'Cause when a guy does something stupid once, well, that's because he's a guy, but if he does the same stupid thing ''twice'', that's usually to impress some girl.
:'''Ted''': ''[about Audrey]'' Hey, she is not some girlǃ She's a woman… in high school… and she loves trees, and I'm gonna get her one.
:'''The Once-ler''': Aww. How nice to see someone so undeterred by things like ''reality''.
:'''Ted''': ''[sincerely]'' Thank you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[has just been revived by the Lorax]'' I was heading into the light, and you pulled me right back, and here I am! ''[hugs the Lorax]'' You saved my life!
:'''The Lorax''': Yeah, I did, but you know, it's not that big a deal.
:'''The Once-ler''': It is a big deal! Look, I almost went over that waterfall! ''[realizes]'' Wait... On my bed. How did my bed get in the river?
:'''The Lorax''': Uh, about that, uh... actually, um... ''[mumbles]'' I put your bed in the water. ''[The Once-ler drops him in shock]'' I didn't mean you any harm. I just wanted to calmly float you away. Look, everyone here needs the trees and you're chopping them down! So, we've got a big problem.
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[Pipsqueak nuzzling at Once-Ler's feet, to the Lorax]'' Alright, look. I hereby swear that I will never chop down another tree. I promise. ''(Are you happy now?)''
:'''The Lorax''': Thank you, but I'm going to keep my eye on you.
:'''The Once-ler''': Now, I've got a big day tomorrow, and I'm gonna get some sleep. ''[walks away, then comes back]'' Right after I find my bed.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[screams and wakes up to find the Lorax sleeping in his bed, the Lorax also screams and wakes up, accidentally punching the Once-ler's nose in the process]'' Ow! Okay, uh, what are you...? ''[stops upon noticing that the Bar-ba-loots, Humming Fish, and Swommee-Swans are also sleeping in his house]'' Question, what are ''they'' doing here? And, uh, follow up if I may, what are ''you'' doing here?!
:'''The Lorax''': ''[chuckles embarrassingly]'' Well, after the incident last night, we found one of your socks and came here to return it, but when we got here, you were asleep. 
:'''The Once-ler''': What? ''[looks up to see a sleeping Bar-ba-loot drooling down on him]'' Eww! Exactly, and sleeping is the body's way of telling other people to go away.
:'''The Lorax''': I know, but you looked so cozy. And it was cold outside, and we just fell asleep. No harm done.
:'''The Once-ler''': &quot;No harm done&quot;, &quot;no harm done&quot;? Ugh, okay. ''[sees Humming Fish bathing in soap]'' Okay, I put my lips on those. Well, I used to, anyway. ''[sees Swommee-Swan laying an egg]'' Ew. Did you just... in my bowl?!
:'''The Lorax''': ''[uses the Once-ler's toothbrush to comb his mustache]'' Why do you even own this? You don't have a mustache.
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[disgusted and angry]'' Ugh! Okay, that's it!
:'''The Lorax''': What? I thought we made a deal last night.
:'''The Once-ler''': Yes, we did. And I said I wouldn't chop down any more trees.
:'''The Lorax''': And I said I was going to keep an eye on you. I'm starving! What's for breakfast? ''[looks into the fridge to find the big Bar-ba-loot eating entire cubes of butter]'' Breakfast is overrated. ''[closes the fridge door]''
:'''The Once-ler''': ''[strains]'' You know what? I got work to do. ''[quickly changes outfit]'' Yep! I got to go into town and sell my Thneed!
:'''The Lorax''': ''[when the Once-ler shows the Thneed to him; laughs]'' You chopped down one of my trees to make that piece of garbage?
:'''The Once-ler''': &quot;Garbage&quot;? Oh, no. Oh, no! You do not get it. This is a revolutionary product that will change the world as we know it. ''[walks over to the Bar-ba-loots sleeping on the table and brushes them all off]'' It has 1,000,000 uses! ''[He reaches under the table and pulls up Lou who is now wearing the Thneed as underwear]'' Look at this. It's a swimsuit! ''[Then he points to the muddy animal tracks on the floor.]'' Mud tracked all over your floor by uninvited guests? Well, the Thneed sure comes in handy for that! ''[He uses it to wipe up the mud tracks]'' But wait, there's more! Thanks to its all-natural microfibers, the Thneed is super-absorbent! ''[Then he goes to the fish swimming a glass filled with water. Shoves the Thneed into the glass. SLUUUURP! It instantly soaks up all the water, leaving the irritated fish standing in the dry glass.]'' It also works as a hat. ''[plops the Thneed onto Lorax’s head. SPLURCH! It’s sopping wet and drips all over him. The Lorax gives the Once- ler a look]'' Of course, you probably want to wring it out first.
:'''The Lorax''': ''[takes the Thneed off his head and throws it at the Once-ler.]'' Go ahead. Knock yourself out, but nobody is going to buy that thing.
:'''The Once-ler''': Good to know. Well, fortunately, you are not the target market, weirdo.
:''[The Once-ler strums his guitar.]''
:'''The Lorax''': You're bringing a guitar?
:'''The Once-ler''': Oh, yeah. I got a little jingle. I'm gonna blow some minds, gonna sell some Thneeds! ''[He holds up the Thneed defiantly.]'' Yeah. ''[slams the door, waking up a Swommee-Swan, who HONKS.]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[In deleted scene, The Man tosses the Thneed which lands on a nerdy teen girl's head, knocking her glasses off and letting her hair down. She slowly flips her hair with the Thneed on her head as if there was supposed to be a dramatic change to her appearance.]''
:'''Teen Boy''': Hey. Cool hat.
:'''Teen Girl 1''': Oh, my gosh. I totally want one.
:'''Teen Girl 2''': That thing makes me like you more.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grizelda''': ''[referring to the Lorax]'' So, who invited the giant furry peanut?
:'''The Lorax''': You callin' me a peanut, huh? I'll go right up your nose!
:'''Grizelda''': Ha! ''[advances on him]''
:'''The Once-ler''': Whoa, whoa, whoa! You wouldn't hit a woman.
:'''The Lorax''': ''[gasps]'' That's a ''woman''?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Lorax''': Happy yet? You filled that hole deep down inside you, or do you still need more?
:'''The Once-ler''': Look, if you've got a problem with what I'm doing, why haven't you used your quote-unquote &quot;powers&quot; to stop me?
:'''The Lorax''': I told you, that's not how it works.
:'''The Once-ler''': Right, I forgot... you're a fraud! I need you to get out! Now!
:'''The Lorax''': Why? Do I make you uncomfortable,  remind you of the promises you made, the man you used to be?
:'''The Once-ler''': You know what? You can just shut your mustache! ''[Begins inching towards the Lorax, who backs away]'' My conscience is clear. I have done nothing illegal, I have my rights, and I intend to keep on biggering and biggering, and turning more Truffula trees in to Thneeds! ''[The Lorax falls backwards and hits the ground.]'' '''And nothing is going to stop me!'''
:''[In the distance, a loud motor is heard. The Once-ler and Lorax both look and see the VERY LAST TRUFFULA TREE being chopped down by a Super Axe-Hacker.]''
:'''The Lorax''': That's it. The very last one. That may stop you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bernice''': Ted, I would like you to meet Mr. O'Hare, the most powerful man in town.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': ''[Ted's eyes widen in shock and surprise]'' There he is! Hello, Ted.
:'''Ted''': ''[nervously]'' Uh... Hi.
:'''Bernice''': Isn't he clever, Mr. O'Hare? He knows his own name and everything.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': You know what I would love right now, Mrs. Wiggins? A delicious cookie. Wonderful. Teddy and I'll stay here and talk.
:'''Bernice''': Sure, why don't you go ahead and adopt him? I'm just kidding. That was a joke. I was just joking. I'll get your cookie.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': I know you have it, Ted. So, let's put an end to this nonsense, shall we? ''[Ted angrily faces him]'' Hand it over.
:'''Ted''': I'm sorry... I don't know what you're talking about.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': Really? Well, then... I guess you wouldn't mind us checking your room.
:'''Ted''': No, no, no!
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': Morty! McGurk! Find the seed!
:'''Ted''': No, you can't go up there! Guys, this is ridiculous. Stop! Hey! No, you can't come in my room!
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': Find it! ''[O'Hare barges into Ted's room trying to find and destroy the Truffula seed]'' Find it!
:'''Bernice''': What is going on here?
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': ''[to Bernice, after she comes up stairs and stares on in shock]'' '''THIS DOESN'T INVOLVE YOU!''' Get back downstairs!
:'''Bernice''': ''[to O’Hare]'' Excuse me, down there! I don't care who you are, you little crazy baby-man! Get out of my house now. This is outrageous.
:'''Mr. O'Hare''': Fine. Sorry. ''[chuckles]'' Must have been a misunderstanding. We'll be leaving now. And my apologies, Ted. You be safe. ''[O’Hare takes the plate of cookies that Mrs. Wiggins is holding, and she splutters.]''
:'''Bernice''': Mind telling me what's going on here?
:'''Ted''': The seed! Where is it?
:'''Bernice''': Seed?
:''[Ted finds Grammy Norma's cane]''
:'''Ted''': Where's Grammy?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Audrey''': ''[to Ted]'' I could just kiss you right now! ''[Ted and Audrey lean in to kiss, but Bernice stops them]''
:'''Bernice''': ''Oop!'' We don't have time for that!
:'''Ted''': I dunno, we have a little time. ''[Audrey and Bernice stare at him]'' You know what? Let's just go. Let's go. Forget about it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Once-ler, now elderly with a white mustache, reunites with the Lorax, laughing]''
:'''The Lorax''': You done good, Beanpole. You done good. ''[short pause as he hugs his old friend for a moment, then chuckles]'' By the way, nice mustache.

== Tagline ==
* &quot;UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is gonna get better. It's not.&quot; — Dr. Seuss

== About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' ==
* One of the funny things that we discovered was that because they don't look like trees or animals that we understand or relate to directly, you have to create, based on Seuss' illustrations, something that's believable. Because the Truffula trees are beautiful -- they look like cotton candy. But, by the same token, you have to create something that the audience feels something for. So it can't just feel like Candy Land; you have to buy it as a real forest. So we looked at Birch trees and then figured out how to make those wonderful illustrations work in a 3-D movie. It's a real fantasy forest that you could relate to when it's being chopped down.
* We had a design that was very city-like and very dense, which wasn't quite working. But we went back and looked at a little drawing in the upper corner of the page when the little boy is first coming to look at the Lorax. And we sort of used that as our basis: it's got these big, curvy roads and a couple of building shapes. In some ways, the easier choice would've been to create a Blade Runner-like dystopian future with smog. But of course we wanted to create something that was fun and entertaining, but in some way relates a little more about where we are today, with inflatable bushes and plastic flowers and fake nature that still has a sense of fun, much like Disneyland or Las Vegas or Dubai. So, in the movie that felt like a great way to go but also suggesting that you have to be careful to maintain balance with nature so it can be sustained.
:* Chris Renaud [http://www.awn.com/animationworld/chris-renaud-talks-lorax/ &quot;Chris Renaud Talks 'The Lorax'&quot;], as interviewed by Bill Desowitz,  ''Animation World Network'', Friday, March 2, 2012.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Danny DeVito|Danny DeVito]] — The Lorax
* [[w:Ed Helms|Ed Helms]] — The Once-ler
* [[w:Zac Efron|Zac Efron]] — Ted
* [[Taylor Swift]] — Audrey
* [[w:Rob Riggle|Rob Riggle]] — Mr. O'Hare
* [[w:Jenny Slate|Jenny Slate]] — Bernice
* [[w:Betty White|Betty White]] — Grammy Norma
* [[w:Jeff Bennett|Jeff Glen Bennett]] — Morty
* [[w:Nasim Pedrad|Nasim Pedrad]] — Isabella
* [[w:Elmarie Wendel|Elmarie Wendel]] — Grizelda
* [[Stephen Tobolowsky]] — Ubb
* [[w:Danny Cooksey|Danny Cooksey]] — Brett &amp; Chet

== See Also ==
* [[How the Grinch Stole Christmas (film)|How the Grinch Stole Christmas]]
* [[The Cat in the Hat (film)|The Cat in the Hat]]
* [[Horton Hears a Who! (film)|Horton Hears a Who! (film)]]

== External Links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=1482459|title=The Lorax}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Lorax (film), The}}
[[Category:2012 films]]
[[Category:2010s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical films]]
[[Category:Animated films based on children's books]]
[[Category:Animated films about bears]]
[[Category:Animated films about birds]]
[[Category:Animated films about fish]]
[[Category:Films based on works by Dr. Seuss]]
[[Category:Films set in forests]]
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    <title>James Howard Kunstler</title>
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'''[[W:James Howard Kunstler|James Howard Kunstler]]''' (born [[October 19]], [[1948]], New York City, New York) is an American author, social critic, public speaker, and blogger.

== Quotes ==
* As modern interpolators might say, the bubonic plague winnowed down Europe’s population to a scale more congenial with its resource base. After that big first wave of the disease, [the] land was cheaper and human labor better rewarded. Eventually, more food got around. Incidentally, '''the plague provoked nostalgia for the classical antiquity of [[Greece]] and [[Rome]], especially among the scholars of [[Florence]], launching the extravaganzas of the [[Renaissance]], the [[Age of Enlightenment|Enlightenment]], and eventually our own pageant of techno-supremacist [[Modernity]].'''
** &quot;Dance Macabre,&quot; May 18, 2020.
* […] '''Life is tragic and history won’t shed a tear for us''' if we make poor collective decisions, or adopt beliefs that are inconsistent with reality.
** &quot;The Old American Dream Is a Nightmare,&quot; March 9, 2011.

=== ''[[w:World Made by Hand|World Made by Hand]]'' (2008) ===
Kunstler, James Howard. ''World Made by Hand''. New York, NY: Grove Press, 2008. Print. {{ISBN|978-0-8021-4401-0}}.

* In the early twenty-first century [[farming]] had all but died out here. We got our food from the supermarket, and not everybody cared where the supermarket got it as long as it was there on the shelves. A few elderly dairymen hung on. Many let their fields and pastures go to scrub. Some sold out to what used to be called developers, and they'd put in five or ten poorly build houses. Now, […] there were far fewer people, and many houses outside [the] town were being taken down for their materials. Farming was back. That was the only way we got food.
** Chapter 1, p. 5

* We lived more by the sun than by the clock, but I did own a clock. It was an eight-day windup console clock which I kept on the mantel in the living room, and it was the only timepiece in the house that worked anymore.
** Chapter 4, p. 20

* Living by the clock was an old habit that died hard. Not much that we did required punctuality, but people still wanted to know what time it was.
** Chapter 4, p. 20

* The racket was coming over what used to be our public radio station, WAMC out of [[Wikipedia:Albany, New York|Albany]], but the familiar [...] voices [...] were long gone. Some febrile evangelist was railing from the [[Book of Revelation]].
** Chapter 4, p. 20

* I switched on the television on the outside chance that something might come through. Nothing had been on for years. The local network affiliates withered away after the national network of cable channels went out until there was nothing. 
** Chapter 4, p. 20–21

* I searched the FM band but there was nothing besides other pious pleaders, and they didn't come in too well. The AM band offered about the same thing, only with worse reception, nothing remotely describable as news, and no music because commercial entertainment as we knew it was no more, and its handmaiden, advertising had gone with it.
** Chapter 4, p. 21

* I had one of those steel thermal mugs you carried everywhere with you as a kind of signifier of how busy, and therefore how important you were.
** Chapter 4, p. 22

* It was obvious there would be no return to [what we used to call] &quot;normality.&quot; The [resource-intensive] economy wouldn't be coming back. [[Wikipedia:Globalism|Globalism]] was over. The politicians and generals were failing to pull things together at the center. We would not be returning to Boston. The computer industry, in which so many hopes had been vested, was fading into history.
** Chapter 4, p. 24

* In a world that had become a salvage operation, the general supply evolved into Union Grove's leading industry. When every […] useful thing in town had been stripped from the [[Wikipedia:Kmart|Kmart]] and the United Auto, the [[Wikipedia:CVS Pharmacy|CVS drugstore]], and other trading establishments of the bygone national chain-store economy, daily life became a perpetual flea market centered on the old town dump.
** Chapter 5, p. 28

* We regarded [[Wikipedia:Opium|opium]] as a godsend. It did not develop into an illicit trade, though. There was no legal prohibition, no police running around trying to suppress drugs, driving up the price artificially, and no marketing system. There were no distant markets to send it to because shipping anything was slow at best and often unreliable, and travel was something you just didn't do anymore. Anybody could grow their own [[Wikipedia:Papaver somniferum|poppies]] or buy raw opium paste from one of the growers. Farmers made more money growing raspberries or asparagus. They grew poppies as a public service. A few people took to smoking opium, but those with an extremely apathetic attitude toward survival tended not to last long in the new disposition of things.
** Chapter 5, p. 30

* Children [...] had sat in those very box buildings under buzzing fluorescent lights listening to their science teachers prattle about the wonders of space travel and gene splicing and how we were all going to live to be a hundred and twenty-five years old in &quot;smart&quot; computer-controlled houses where all we had to do was speak to bump up the heat or turn on giant home theater screens in a life of perpetual leisure and comfort. It made me sick to think about. Not because there's something necessarily wrong with leisure or comfort, but because that's where our aspirations ended. And in the face of what had […] happened to us, it seemed obscenely stupid.
** Chapter 6, p. 33–34

* Motion is a great tranquilizer.
** Chapter 6, p. 34

* Few dogs were around anymore. Some had been eaten during the hunger that followed the flu in the spring of that year. People didn't talk about it; it was so demoralizing.
** Chapter 7, p. 36

* Jesus [...] look how we live? I'm […] a serf.
** Chapter 7, p. 37

* You could argue people are generally better off now mentally than they were back then. We follow the natural cycles. We eat real food instead of processed crap full of chemicals. We're not jacked up on coffee and television and [...] advertising all the time. No more anxiety about credit card bills.
** Chapter 7, p. 37–38

* We all knew the apparatus of justice had dissolved.
** Chapter 12, p. 57

* As the world changed, we reverted to social divisions that we'd thought were obsolete. The egalitarian pretenses of the high-octane decades had dissolved, and nobody even debated it anymore, including the women of our town. A plain majority of the townspeople were laborers now, whatever in life they had been before. Nobody in town called them peasants, but in effect, that's what they'd become. That's just the way things were.
** Chapter 21, p. 101

* [[Wikipedia:Waterford (town), New York|Waterford]] began its existence as the gateway to the [[Wikipedia:Erie Canal|Erie Canal system]], the first stretch of which was built to bypass several waterfalls on the [[Wikipedia:Mohawk River|Mohawk River]].
** Chapter 28, p. 137

* I remembered Albany [...] as just another down-on-its-luck small American city that had sacrificed its vitality to a whirring ring of homogenous suburbs.
** Chapter 29, p. 140

* We're building our own New Jerusalem up the river. It's a world made by hand, now, one stone at a time, one board at a time, one hope at a time, one soul at a time.
** Chapter 29, p. 142

* Whatever the other failures of the U.S. government were, it had managed to print an excess of dollars which, combined with the collapse of trade and communication, had severely eroded the currency's value.
** Chapter 30, p. 146

* I lay awake [...] listening to the rain drip from the eaves and thinking of the big map that hung from the top of the chalkboard in my primary school in Wilton, Connecticut, so many years ago, back in the days of cars, television, and air-conditioning. The states on this map were muted tones of pink, green, and yellow. Over it hung the flag that we pledged allegiance to every single morning. &quot;One nation under God, indivisible...&quot;
** Chapter 31, p. 150

* I'd been carrying [my Ruger .41 Magnum] so many days that I had almost forgotten it was there. This was the kind of world we now lived in.
** Chapter 36, p. 171

* I argued that […] human[s] […] should have known it was in trouble, [...] given how insane our way of life had become. Minor quit blowing into his harmonica long enough to say that [[Wikipedia:John D. Rockefeller|John D. Rockefeller]] and the [[Wikipedia:Bush family|Bush family]] had made a deal with the Devil going back all the way to the 1900s.
** Chapter 38, p. 181

* Could we even pretend the law still existed? Or was it something you made up now, as the occasion required?
** Chapter 38, p. 181

* The essence of politics was to not act on your impulses.
** Chapter 42, p. 199

* There's real strangeness in this world of ours. Back in the machine times, there was so much noise front and back, […] it kept us from knowing what lies behind the surface of things. 
** Chapter 55, p. 262

* It was more possible that […] human[s] […] possessed some spark of divinity that was worth cultivating than that a mysterious ''being'' was up there in the ether somewhere with anthropomorphic qualities of goodness and mercy running the whole show.
** Chapter 65, p. 315–316

* We were content to be undisturbed in our little backwater, Union Grove, [[Wikipedia:Washington County, New York|Washington County]], in a place once called the [[Wikipedia:New York State|Empire State]], where the [[Wikipedia:Battenkill|Battenkill]] runs into the [[Wikipedia:Hudson River|Hudson River]].
** Chapter 65, p. 317

=== ''[[w:The Long Emergency|The Long Emergency]]'' (2005) ===
Kunstler, James Howard. ''The Long Emergency''. New York, NY: Grove Press, 2005. Print. {{ISBN|978-0-8711-3888-0}}.

* It has been [...] hard [...] to make sense of the gathering forces that will fundamentally alter the terms of everyday life in [...] society. Even after the {{w|September 11 attacks|terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001}}, that collapsed the twin towers of the {{w|World Trade Center (1973–2001)|World Trade Center}} and sliced through [[the Pentagon]], [...] [we are] still sleepwalking into [an uncertain] [...] future. We have walked out of our burning house, and we are now headed off the edge of a cliff. Beyond that cliff is an abyss of economic and political disorder on a scale that no one has ever seen before. […]  It is my view, for instance, that in the decades to come the national government will prove to be so impotent and ineffective in managing the enormous vicissitudes we face that the [[United States]] may not survive as a nation in any meaningful sense but […] will devolve into a set of autonomous regions.
** Chapter 1, p. 1.

* It is no exaggeration to state that reliable supplies of cheap [and easy-to-find [[hydrocarbon]]s like] [[oil]] and [[w:natural gas|natural gas]] underlie everything we identify as a benefit of modern life. All the necessities, comforts, luxuries, and miracles of our time [...] owe their origins or continued existence in one way or another to cheap fossil fuel. Even our nuclear power plants [...] depend on cheap [...] [hydrocarbons] for all the procedures of construction, maintenance, and extracting and processing nuclear fuels. The blandishments of cheap oil and gas were so seductive, and induced such transports of mesmerizing contentment, that we ceased paying attention to the essential nature of these miraculous gifts from the [deep] earth: that they exist in finite, nonrenewable supplies, unevenly distributed around the world. To aggravate matters, the wonders of steady technological progress under the reign of oil have tricked us [...] to believe that anything we wish for hard enough can come true. These days, even people in our culture who ought to know better are wishing ardently that a smooth, seamless transition from fossil fuels to their putative replacements [...] lies just a few years ahead. [...] This is a dangerous fantasy. The true best-case scenario may be that some of these technologies will take decades to develop–meaning that we can expect an extremely turbulent interval between the end of cheap oil and whatever comes next. A more likely scenario is that new fuels and technologies may never replace fossil fuels at the scale, rate, and manner at which the [industrial] world currently consumes them.
** Chapter 1, p. 2–3.

* What is [...] not comprehended about this predicament is that the developed world will begin to suffer long before the oil and gas [...] run out. The [[American Dream|American way of life]] [...] can run only on reliable supplies of dependably cheap [hydrocarbons like] oil and gas. Even mild to moderate deviations in [...] supply will crush our economy and make […] daily life impossible. Fossil fuel reserves are not scattered equitably around the world. They tend to be concentrated in places where the native peoples don’t like the West in general [...], places physically very remote, places where we realistically can exercise little control [...]. [...] We can be certain that the price and supplies of fossil fuels will suffer oscillations and disruptions in the period ahead [...]. [...] The decline of fossil fuels is certain to ignite chronic strife between nations contesting the remaining supplies. These resource wars have already begun. There will be more of them. They are [...] likely to grind on and on [...]. They will only aggravate a situation that, in and of itself, could bring down civilizations. The extent of suffering [...] will certainly depend on how tenaciously we attempt to cling to obsolete habits, customs, and assumptions–for instance, how fiercely [...] [we] decide to fight to maintain suburban lifestyles that simply cannot be rationalized any longer.
** Chapter 1, p. 3.

* [[Thomas Robert Malthus|[Thomas] Malthus]] was certainly correct [that demand will outstrip supply], but [...] [hydrocarbons] [...] skewed the [supply-demand] equation over the past [two] hundred years while the human race has enjoyed an unprecedented orgy of [a fraction of] nonrenewable condensed solar energy accumulated over eons of prehistory. The “green revolution” in boosting crop yields was minimally about scientific innovation in crop genetics and mostly about dumping massive amounts of fertilizers and pesticides made [...] of [...] [petroleum] onto crops, as well as employing irrigation at a fantastic scale made possible by abundant oil and gas. The cheap oil age created an artificial bubble of plenitude for a period not much longer than a human lifetime, a hundred years. Within that […], the idea took hold that only grouches, spoilsports, and godless maniacs considered population hypergrowth a problem [with a direct solution], and that to even raise the issue was indecent. [...] As oil ceases to be cheap and the world reserves arc toward depletion, we will indeed suddenly be left with an enormous surplus population [...] that the ecology of the earth [sic] will not support. No political program of birth control will avail. The people are already here. The journey back to non-oil population homeostasis will not be pretty. '''We will discover the hard way that [[w:Baby boom|population hypergrowth]] was simply a side effect of the oil age.''' It was [more of] a condition [without a remedy], not a problem with a [direct] solution. That is what happened, and we are stuck with it.
** Chapter 1, p. 8.

* We are already experiencing huge cost externalities from population hypergrowth and profligate fossil fuel use in the form of environmental devastation. Of the earth’s estimated 10 million species, 300,000 have vanished in the past fifty years. Each year, 3,000 to 30,000 species become extinct, an all-time high for the last 65 million years. Within one hundred years, between one-third and two-thirds of all birds, animals, plants, and other species will be lost. Nearly 25 percent of the 4,630 known mammal species are now threatened with extinction, along with 34 percent of fish, 25 percent of amphibians, 20 percent of reptiles, and 11 percent of birds. Even more species are having population declines. Environmental scientists speak of an “omega point” at which the vast interconnected networks of Earth’s ecologies are so weakened that human existence is no longer possible. This is a variant of the die-off theme […], but it does raise grave questions about the ongoing project of civilization. How long might the Long Emergency last? […] Of course, after a while, an emergency becomes the norm and is no longer an emergency.
** Chapter 1, p. 8-9.

* The high tide of the [...] [industrial] age also happened to be a moment in history when human ingenuity gained an upper hand against the age-old scourges of disease. We have enjoyed the great benefits of antibiotic medicine for [...] a half-century. Penicillin, sulfa drugs, and their descendants briefly gave [hu]mankind the notion that diseases caused by microorganisms could, and indeed would, be systematically vanquished. Or, at least, this was the popular view. Doctors and scientists knew better. [...] The recognition is now growing that the victory over microbes was short-lived. They are back in force, including [...] old enemies such as tuberculosis and staphylococcus in new drug-resistant strains. Other old diseases are on the march into new territories, as a response to climate change brought on by global warming [caused by the burning of fossil fuels]. In response to unprecedented habitat destruction by humans and the invasion of [what we call] wilderness, the earth [sic] itself seems to be sending forth new and much more lethal diseases, as though it had a [...] protective immune system with antibody-like agents aimed with remarkable precision at the source of the problem: ''Homo sapiens''.
** Chapter 1, p. 9–10.

* At the same time, the world is overdue for an extreme influenza epidemic. The last major outbreak was the [[w:Spanish flu|1918 Spanish influenza]], which killed fifty million [and possibly more, as we will not know the real numbers] people worldwide and changed the course of history. […] Disease will certainly play a larger role in the Long Emergency than many can now imagine. An epidemic could paralyze social and economic systems, interrupt global trade, and bring down governments. […] '''At the very least, the Long Emergency will be a time of diminished life spans for many of us, as well as reduced standards of living'''–at least as understood within the current social context. Fossil fuels had the effect of temporarily raising the carrying capacity of the earth. Our ability to resist the environmental corrective of disease will [...] prove to have been another temporary boon of the [...] [industrial] age [...]. So much of what we construe to be among our entitlements to perpetual progress may prove to have been a strange, marvelous, and anomalous moment in [...] history.
** Chapter 1, p. 11–12.

* The so-called global economy was not a permanent institution, [...] but a set of transient circumstances peculiar to a certain time: the […] fossil fuel era. […] Factories could be started up in [[Sri Lanka]] and [[Malaysia]], where swollen populations furnished trainable workers willing to labor for much less than those back in the United States or [[Europe]]. Products then moved around the globe in a highly rationalized system, not unlike the oil allocation system, using immense vessels, automated port facilities, and truck-scaled shipping containers at a minuscule cost-per-unit of whatever was made and transported. Shirts or coffeemakers manufactured 12,000 miles away could be shipped to Wal-Marts all over America and sold cheaply. […] Meanwhile, among economists and government figures, globalism developed [...] [as] an intellectual fad. Globalism allowed them to believe that burgeoning wealth in the developed countries, and the spread of industrial activity to formerly primitive regions, was based on the potency of their own ideas and policies rather than on cheap [and easy-to-find hydrocarbons like] oil. […] [An] overlooked [fact] is that [[Margaret Thatcher|[Margaret] Thatcher]]’s success in reviving England coincided with a fantastic new revenue stream from {{w|North Sea}} oil, as quaint old Britannia became energy self-sufficient and a net energy-exporting nation for the first time since the heyday of coal. Globalism then infected America when [[Ronald Reagan]] came on the scene in 1981. Reagan’s ‘supply-side” economic advisors retailed a set of fiscal ideas that neatly accessorized the new notions about free trade and deregulation, chiefly that massively reducing taxes would […] result in greater revenues as the greater aggregate of business activity generated a greater aggregate of taxes even at lower rates. (What it […] generated was huge government deficits.) […] The rise of computers, in turn, promoted the fantasy that commerce in sheer information would be the long-sought replacement for all the played-out activities of the smokestack economy. A country like America, it was now thought, no longer needed steelmaking or tire factories or other harsh, dirty, troublesome enterprises. Let the poor masses of [[Asia]] and {{w|South America}} have them and lift themselves up from agricultural peonage. America would outsource all this old economy stuff and use computers to orchestrate the movement of parts and the assembly of products from distant quarters of the world, and then sell the stuff in our own {{w|K-mart}}s and {{w|Wal-Mart}}s, which would become global juggernauts of retailing. […] It was also like a convoluted liquidation sale of the accrued wealth of two hundred years of industrial society for the benefit of a handful of financial buccaneers, with the great masses relegated to a race to the bottom as the economic assets are dismantled and sold off, and their livelihoods are closed […]. That this development was uniformly greeted as a public good by the vast majority of Americans, at the same time that their local economies were being destroyed—and with them, myriad social and civic benefits—is one of the greater enigmas of recent social history. In effect, Americans threw away their communities […] to save a few dollars on hair dryers and plastic food storage tubs, never stopping to reflect on what they were destroying.
** Chapter 1, p. 12-16.

* [Globalism's] demise will coincide with the end of the cheap-oil age. For better or worse, many of the circumstances we associate with globalism will be reversed. Markets will close as political turbulence and military mischief interrupt trade relations. As markets close, societies will turn increasingly to import replacement[s] for sheer economic survival. The cost of transport will no longer be negligible in a post-cheap-oil age. Many of our agricultural products will have to be produced closer to home, and [...] by more intensive [...] labor as oil and natural gas supplies become increasingly unstable. The world will stop shrinking and become larger again. Virtually all [...] the [...] relationships [...] that we have taken for granted as permanent will be radically changed [...]. Life will become intensely and increasingly local.
** Chapter 1, p. 17.

* In any case, the tragic truth is that much of suburbia is unreformable. It does not lend itself to being retrofitted into the [...] mixed-use, smaller scaled, more fine-grained walkable environments we will need to carry on daily life in the coming age of [...] reduced motoring. [...] Instead, this suburban real estate [...] will enter a phase of rapid and cruel devaluation. Many of the suburban subdivisions will become the slums of the future. […] The seasons […] will continue with the great cycles of contraction and expansion, and at some point, in the future, who knows how many years distant, some of these cities in a land once called [the [[United States|United States of North] America]] may be robust and cosmopolitan in ways that we can’t imagine now, any more than a Roman of A.D. 38 might have been able to imagine the future London of the Beatles.
** Chapter 1, p. 17–18.

* […] We have lived through as a narrative episode in a greater saga of human history. The industrial story has a beginning, a middle, and an end. [[w:First Industrial Revolution|It begins in the mid-eighteenth century with coal and the first steam engines]], [[w:Second Industrial Revolution|proceeds to a robust second act]] climaxing in the years before [[World War I]], and moves toward a third act resolution now that we can anticipate with some precision the depletion of the resources that made the industrial episode possible. As the industrial story ends, the greater saga of [hu]mankind will move on into a new episode, the Long Emergency. This is […] a self-evident point, but throughout history, even the most important and self-evident trends are often completely ignored because the changes they foreshadow are simply unthinkable. That process is sometimes referred to as an “outside context problem,” something so far beyond the ordinary experience of those dwelling in a certain time and place that they cannot make sense of available information. The collective mental static preventing comprehension is also sometimes referred to as “cognitive dissonance,” a term borrowed from developmental psychology. It helps explain why the […] public has been sleepwalking into the future. The Long Emergency is going to be a tremendous trauma for […] human[s] […]. It is likely to entail political [and social] turbulence every bit as extreme as the economic conditions that prompt it.
** Chapter 1, p. 20.

* Whole ideologies had to be constructed to account for being modern and to explain it.
** Chapter 2, p. 22.

* Now, exactly a hundred years after the first powered flight at {{w|Kitty Hawk, North Carolina}}, I can get on a jet airplane twice the size of a house several times a month and fly halfway across North America in the time it takes to finish a newspaper—and I end up feeling cranky and resentful about the service, to boot! They ran out of pretzels! The air conditioning was set too low! […] Everything characteristic about the condition we call modern life has been a direct result of our access to abundant supplies of cheap [[Fossil fuel|fossil fuels]]. Fossil fuels have permitted us to fly, to go where we want to go rapidly, and move things easily from place to place. Fossil fuels rescued us from the despotic darkness of the night. They have made the pharaonic scale of building commonplace everywhere. They have allowed a fractionally tiny percentage of our swollen populations to produce massive amounts of food. They have allowed us to develop industries of surpassing ingenuity and to push the limits of what it even means to be human [...]. [But] The age of fossil fuels is about to end. There is no replacement for them at hand. 
** Chapter 2, p. 23.

* Because the oil peak phenomenon […] cancels out further industrial growth of the kind we are used to, its implications lie radically outside […] economic paradigm. So, the oil peak phenomenon has been discounted to about zero among conventional economists, who assume that “market signals” about oil supplies will inevitably trigger innovation, which, in turn, will cause [something] new […] to materialize and enable further growth. If the market signals are not triggering innovation, then the problem must be overstated and growth under the oil regime will resume—after, say, a normal periodic downcycle. This is obvious casuistry, but casuistry can be a great comfort when a problem has no real solution. […] Our investment in an oil-addicted way of life […] is now so inordinately large that it is too late to salvage all the national wealth wasted on building it, or to continue that way of life more than a decade or so into the future. What’s more, as we have outsourced manufacturing to other countries, the entire U.S. economy has become more […] dependent on continued misinvestment in […] suburbia and its accessories. No politician wants to tell voters that the [[American Dream]] has been canceled for a lack of […] resources. The U.S. economy would disintegrate. So, whichever party is in power has tended to ignore the issue, change the subject, or spin it into the realm of delusion.
** Chapter 2, p. 28.

* Oil is an amazing substance. It stores a tremendous amount of energy per weight and volume. It is easy to transport. It stores easily at regular air temperature in unpressurized metal tanks, and it can sit there indefinitely without degrading. You can pump it through a pipe, you can send it all over the world in ships, you can haul it around in trains, cars, and trucks, you can even fly it in tanker planes and refuel other airplanes in flight. It is flammable but has proven to be safe to handle with a modest amount of care by people with double-digit IQs. […] We used [oil] [...] as if there was no tomorrow. Now there may not be one. That's how special oil has been. 
** Chapter 2, p. 31.

* […] Suburbia turned out to be a disappointing cartoon of country living rather than the real thing [that] was a tragic unanticipated consequence […].
** Chapter 2, p. 40.

* […] The base price of a barrel of oil did eventually more than quadruple by the time the embargo was called off in March 1974. And the price rise alone staggered the West and Japan. Already at that time, public transit was a thing of the past and about 85 percent of Americans drove to work every day.
** Chapter 2, p. 46.

* Oil is the world's most critical resource. Without it, nothing works in industrial civilization as currently configured. Few people dispute the idea that the world will eventually run out of oil, and there is a broad recognition that it will happen [...].
** Chapter 3, p. 64.

* The total planetary endowment of conventional nonrenewable liquid oil was [...] two trillion barrels before humans started using it [and possibly more, as most of it was used to protect the Earth's crust]. Since the mid-nineteenth century, the world has burned through [...] one trillion barrels of oil, [...] representing the easiest-to-get, highest-quality liquids. [...] Oil has enabled the [[w:Baby boom|[post-War] population explosion]].
** Chapter 3, p. 66.

* The denial about [the] global peak in the United States is already fierce, as investments in car-dependent, oil-addicted infrastructure are greater here than in any other nation and Americans consider their way of life a God-given entitlement. […] The economic [...] [struggle] among [...] all nations, [...] will be considerable and is certain to lead to increasingly desperate competition for diminishing supplies of oil [and every other resource]. 
** Chapter 3, p. 68.

* […] With China becoming a presence by necessity in the region, we would be back in a cold war again, or something worse, contesting with a rival world hegemon, this time over […] resources, not [just] ideology.
** Chapter 3, p. 84.

* Eventually, […] [we] will have to contend with the problems of the Long Emergency: the end of industrial growth, falling standards of living, economic desperation, declining food production, and domestic political strife. A point will be reached when the great powers of the world no longer have the means to project their power any distance. Even nuclear weapons may become inoperable, considering how much their careful maintenance depends on other technological systems linked to our fossil fuel economy.
** Chapter 3, p. 98.

* To some degree, all […] the non-fossil fuel energy sources […] depend on an underlying fossil fuel economy. You can’t manufacture metal wind turbines using wind energy technology. You can’t make lead-acid storage batteries for solar electric systems using any known solar energy systems.
** Chapter 3, p. 100.

* This age-old tendency of humans to believe in magical deliverance and to wish for happy outcomes has been aggravated by the very technological triumphs that the oil age brought into existence. Technology itself has become a […] supernatural force, one that has demonstrably delivered all kinds of miracles within the memory of many people now living […].
** Chapter 3, p. 101.

* Natural gas […] is not as versatile as gasoline, but it does a lot of tasks beautifully. Gas is the feedstock—the raw material—for a wide array of chemicals, pharmaceuticals, and plastics. Ninety-five percent of the nitrogenous fertilizers used in America are made […] of natural gas, and so it has become indispensable to U.S. agriculture.
** Chapter 3, p. 103.

* Both the mining and the washing [of hydrocarbons] require huge amounts of energy, and it has been proposed that any commercial exploitation of the [[w:Athabasca oil sands|Alberta tar sands]] would take 20 percent of [[Canada]]’s total natural gas production. In the long run, it might not be worth expending the energy from gas to get the energy from the tar sands. If oil from the tar sands themselves were used to process more tar sands, the return would be three barrels of oil for every two consumed. […] In the early days of conventional oil in [[Texas]], the {{w|ERoEI}} formula was very favorable, around twenty to one. The oil was found close to the surface on dry land in temperate places easy to work in, and it gushed out of the ground under its own pressure. […] Going a bit further, the fundamental equations that support all gigantic […] organisms, […] may no longer obtain, and human life would have to reorganize its activities on a different basis. Also, '''once these complex systems and their subsystems halt their operations, restarting them may range from difficult to impossible''' […].
** Chapter 3, p. 108.

* [[w:Ancient Roman architecture|Roman architecture]] would have been impossible without the complex socioeconomic platform of [the] empire. The medieval social platform for northern European life was less elaborate and […] less complex. Compare these two historical cases with the complexity of social and economic organization that allows oil to be extracted from the ground, refined to gasoline, transported six thousand miles, and used in a highly engineered, fine-tuned machine called a car, [to be] driven on a six-lane freeway. '''If the social and economic platform fails, how long before the knowledge base dissolves?''' Two hundred years from now, will anyone know how to build or even repair a 1962 Chrysler slant-six engine? Not to mention a Nordex 1500 kW wind turbine? […] The existing knowledge in basic physics and chemistry is so widespread that it is likely to persist quite a while into the future and provide a foundation for doing more with less than, say, the people of the eighteenth century were able to do with their more limited knowledge.
** Chapter 4, p. 130.

* We surely will have to reform our land-use habits and the oil-based transportation system that has allowed us to run our car-crazy suburban environments. We'll have to drastically change the way we grow our food and where we grow it. [The] social organization may be quite different in the decades ahead. Features of contemporary life that we have taken for granted [...] may fade into history. Politics that evolved to suit the [...] [industrial age] may morph beyond recognition [...].
** Chapter 4, p. 141.

* '''Our brains are […] not equipped to process events on the geologic scale'''—at least in reference to how we choose to live, or what we choose to do in the here-and-now.
** Chapter 5, p. 148.

* [Global warming] [...] happens to coincide with our imminent descent down the slippery slope of [...] [hydrocarbon] depletion, so that '''all the potential discontinuities of that epochal circumstance will be amplified, ramified, reinforced, and torqued by climate change.''' If global warming is a result of human activity, fossil fuel-based industrialism, [...] then it seems [...] the prospects are poor that […] human[s] […] will be able to do anything about it, because the journey down the oil depletion arc will be much more disorderly than the journey up was. '''The disruptions and hardships of decelerating industrialism will destabilize governments and societies to the degree that concerted international action [...] will never be carried out. In the chaotic world of diminishing and contested [...] resources, there will simply be a mad scramble to use up whatever [...] people can manage to lay their hands on.''' The very idea that we possess any control over the process seems to be further evidence of the delusion gripping our [...] culture [...].
** Chapter 5, p. 148–149.

* [...] Abrupt climate change may be normal in the planet's history, or, to state it differently, that the earth's [sic] climate is inherently very unstable.
** Chapter 5, p. 149. 

* Without the [[w:Gulf Stream|Gulf Stream]], [[United  Kingdom|Britain]], [[France]], the [[w:Low Countries|Low Countries]], and [[Scandinavia]] would have a climate like [[w:Labrador|Labrador]]’s, colder by {{convert|20|F|C}} in annual mean. The Gulf Stream has been likened to an oceanic conveyor belt. The force of the warm water flowing north has been described as equal to the volume of seventy-five [[w:Amazon River|Amazon river]]s.
** Chapter 5, p. 153.

* According to the {{w|IPCC}}, sea levels rose by ten to twenty centimeters during the twentieth century and are currently rising by about two millimeters a year, which is at the upper range of the rate of rise for the last century. With global warming accelerating, this is apt to increase. The accepted prediction is that sea levels will rise during the twenty-first century by about fifty centimeters, or a little under two feet, though some scientists predict a full meter. […] One-sixth of the people in the world live in coastal zones within one meter of sea level. This is the […] outside context problem so alien to contemporary experience that the public and its leaders can really find no way to process the information and figure out what to do about it—and for the excellent reason that it is not a problem with a direct solution. It is more a condition without a remedy. If the major shipping ports […] end up being submerged, humankind will just have to work around it. The disruptions to world trade might be epochal, gigantic, […] [and] tragic. It seems obvious that […] human[s] […] will simply have to adjust, even if that means adjusting to a new reality of severely lower expectations in living standards, comfort, and amenity. […] When the time comes, […] [we] will just have to move to higher ground. 
** Chapter 5, p. 162.

* Harvard biologist [[w:E. O. Wilson|Edward O. Wilson]] warns that [[China]]'s current program to mitigate huge population increases with gigantic water projects may have dire consequences. Irrigation and other withdrawals have already depleted the {{w|Yellow River}}, which, starting in 1972, has run bone-dry part of the year in {{w|Shandong}} province, where one-fifth of China's wheat and one-seventh of its corn is produced. In 1997, the river stopped flowing for a record 226 days. The groundwater levels of the northern China plains have plummeted. The water table in major grain-producing areas is falling at the rate of five feet a year. Of China's 617 cities, three hundred already face water shortages. Of China's approximately 23,000 miles of major rivers, 80 percent no longer support fish life. The [[w:Xiaolangdi Dam|Xiaolangdi dam project]] now underway along the Yellow River in north China is exceeded in size only by the {{w|Three Gorges Dam}} on the {{w|Yangtze}} in South China. In addition, the Chinese government intends to siphon water from the Yangtze […] and send it over by a canal system to the Yellow River and Beijing, respectively. When it is running, the Yellow River is already one of the most particle-laden in the world. Because of that, it is estimated that the Xiaolangdi dam would silt up within thirty years of completion. The […] project is reminiscent of another centrally planned mega-project that ended in grief: the [[Soviet Union]]'s scheme to drain the {{w|Aral Sea}} to irrigate gigantic cotton farms in [[Kazakhstan]]. The project turned one of the world's largest inland bodies of fresh water into [a] salty desert. The potential for calamity in China is therefore huge as it skirts a range of forces presented by the Long Emergency, any one of which, or some combination, could send it reeling over its tipping point: the effects of global climate change, competition for [every resource including] oil, extremes of pollution, disease, and war, either with its neighbors or internally. Despite the current veneer of prosperity and stability, China has tremendous potential for political chaos. As Wilson fearlessly points out, the pressure on China's agriculture and water resources is intensified by the predicament shared by many countries: runaway population growth [caused by industrialization]. '''Population growth rates may be mitigated […] from culture to culture by economic advance (which tends to lower reproductive rates by channeling women into the workplace), but economic development produces other [[w:Jevons paradox|not-so-benign consequences]].''' Developing [systems like] nation[-state]s invariably increase their energy use [as they grow complex]. More cars are used, more electricity [is] generated, [and] more greenhouse emissions [are] sent into the atmosphere. In the Long Emergency, […] “there will only be two types of nations: the over-developed and those which will never develop.” China may represent an amalgamation of those two conditions in one nation-state.
** Chapter 5, p. 163–164.

* Like China, the United States is divided […] in half between wet and dry. Though the human population of the United States is proportionately much smaller than China's, the amount of effort America has expended on manipulating habitats and altering terrain is as impressive in its own way as China's birthrate. Especially significant is the stupendous amount of paving laid down in the United States during the past hundred years. It prevents rain from being absorbed as groundwater and sends it instead into rivers, and […] into the ocean. The effect of this is the inability of water tables and wetlands to recharge and the diminishing ability of the terrain to support life. In the United States, only 2 percent of the country's rivers and wetlands remain free-flowing and undeveloped. As a result, the country has lost more than half of its wetlands.
** Chapter 5, p. 165.

* '''Climate change, competition for water, and polluted water sources will also be exacerbated by failures in the electric grid caused by oil and gas supply disruptions.''' Even if water is available, localities may lack the power to push it through their treatment plants and municipal pipes.
** Chapter 5, p. 166. 

* Fifty years of easy living with the miracle of antibiotics was a major contributor to the hubris that gripped the industrial nations in the early twenty-first century. Smallpox was eliminated except in strategic laboratory samples. Measles was conquered. Sexually transmitted diseases that used to leave people maimed and crazy were cured with one visit to the doctor. Many tropical diseases seemed to be on the wane as immunology and pharmacology bolstered widespread progress in sanitation and nutrition. The vanquishing of disease represented a [...] meta-victory by [hu]mankind over a much greater set of enemies than the parochial combatants of our geopolitical wars. Indeed, these great advances of medical science against disease took place against the backdrop of war. The United States emerged victorious from [[w:World War II|the last [...] world war]], having defeated manifest political evil, armed with penicillin and sulfa drugs. The postwar antibiotic miracle contributed to a false sense of security in the public and a sense of [...] omnipotence [...].
** Chapter 5, p. 167.

* '''As the struggle over the remaining oil and gas intensifies, larger numbers of economic losers will be created''', and those economic losers will be underfed, ill-housed, poorly doctored, badly informed, badly behaved, and subject to plummeting life expectancies.
** Chapter 5, p. 170.

* Despite miraculous advances in medical technology, genetic typing, and immunology, [...] [we] are not much better prepared for a severe flu epidemic than they were for [[w:Spanish flu|the 1918 outbreak]]. Epidemic influenza is extremely difficult to counteract. Flu vaccines developed in any given year are notoriously ineffective against new strains that come along the following year. It takes seven months or more to create, test, manufacture, and distribute a vaccine developed in direct response to a new virus, and by that time the disease can burn through global populations. '''If a pandemic broke out today, hospital facilities would be overwhelmed. Nurses and doctors would be infected along with the rest of the population.'''
** Chapter 5, p. 173.

* {{w|Operation Dark Winter}} employed a cast of volunteers […] to act out roles following a script in which a terrorist released smallpox in one eastern U.S. city. The result was sobering to an extreme. The public health system virtually collapsed. Hospitals degenerated into chaos. Smallpox spread to twenty-five states and overseas. The national stockpile of vaccines proved to be deeply inadequate. The exercise was called off after four days from the sheer exhaustion of the participants, while the fictional epidemic was still spreading. 
** Chapter 5, p. 176.

* The [[w:Germ theory of disease|germ theory]], which emerged in the late nineteenth century, focused the world's attention on the specific agents responsible for [...] diseases, but the [physical,] social and ecological contexts are equally important, and these are now coming more prominently into play with world population well beyond the limits of the earth's [sic] [...] [optimum] carrying capacity and with climate change [...] in progress. [...] Ecological [...] [pressures], rapid changes in land use, penetration of formerly inaccessible habitats, and disturbed migration routes can lead to the appearance or diffusion of a disease. While we may be able to identify [some, if not all] the microorganisms involved, we can be helpless in the face of it, and our behavior may still promote its spread.
** Chapter 5, p. 177.

* [...] The disturbance of global oil markets as the permanent energy crisis begins is liable to interrupt global commerce and global travel. Fewer […] will fly [...]. However, these same energy problems will surely reduce crop production, which would lead to reduced food aid to desperate populations [...], which would then lead to compromised immune systems and the [...] [invasion] of poor, hungry, and [...] unhealthy people [...]. This is an obvious recipe for conflict and woe. Where the refugee camps [are] set up, [the] disease will surely follow.
** Chapter 5, p. 178.

* '''The attrition of global populations by disease[s] may be unavoidable.''' Some [...] may regard it as the inevitable revenge of nature against the hubris of a human species arrogantly exceeding the carrying capacity of its habitat. Some may regard it as a moral victory against wickedness. Some may view it in the therapeutic mode as a positive development for the health of the planet. Many self-conscious &quot;humanists&quot; have militated for the goal of reducing population growth —though most of them would have [...] preferred widespread birth control [using contraceptive methods like the birth pill and condoms, ironically made from cheap oil] to a die-off. [Contraceptive methods] might have been just another product of the narcotic comfort of cheap oil [...]. Apart from these issues of attitude and ethics, however, a major decline in [...] population [...] is apt to have profound and strange repercussions on everyday life. 
** Chapter 5, p. 178.

* [...] We [...] flatter ourselves to think that we are above this kind of general catastrophe—because our [...] prowess during the [...] [industrial age] was so marvelous that all future problems are (supposedly) guaranteed to be solved by similar applications of ingenuity. This was certainly the consensus among the scientists, computer geniuses, and biotech millionaires [...]. They were uniformly uninterested in the issues of the global oil peak and natural gas depletion and utterly convinced that the industrial societies would be rescued by hydrogen, wind power, and solar electricity, all to be figured out by their cohort techno-geniuses in [...] time. If there is anything we have been stupendously bad at in the preceding century of wonders, it is recognizing the diminishing returns of our [...] [technological] prowess. Some of our greatest achievements, [...] have produced dreadful diminishing returns [...]. This persistent failure or weakness [...] negates the value of our ability to see what's coming. [...] Rather than [...] progress, we are more likely to see [...] the loss of information, ability, and confidence. 
** Chapter 5, p. 181.

* Many individual immune systems will be compromised by the hardships of the Long Emergency and disease will seize the opportunities presented, as it always has. [...] Millions [and perhaps billions] of human beings are going to die.
** Chapter 5, p. 182.

* As hunger and hardship increase, the world may see more than one wave of more than one disease. If [...] an influenza pandemic emerges, for instance, many [...] will succumb [...]. [...] The age-old human enemies [...] will be on hand with new immunity to the old techno-tricks of the [nineteenth and] twentieth [...] [centuries]. [...] Nobody really knows where that is taking us, though we do know that [...] [our ancestors] endured more than one ice age in the past.
** Chapter 5, p. 182–183.

* The current urban population of the world […] is greater than the entire population of the world in 1960. Seventy-eight percent of the urban dwellers in the so-called developing world live in slums. From the West African littoral to the mountainsides of the {{w|Andes}} to the banks of the {{w|Nile}}, the {{w|Ganges}}, the {{w|Mekong}}, and the {{w|Irrawaddy}}, new gigantic slums spread like immense laboratory growth media, waiting to host epidemic disease cultures. {{w|Lagos}}, [[Nigeria]], for example, grew from a city of 300,000 in 1950 to over ten million today. But Lagos, writes [[w:Mike Davis (scholar)|Mike Davis]], &quot;is simply the biggest node in the shanty-town corridor of 70 million people that stretches from {{w|Abidjan}} to {{w|Ibadan}}: probably the biggest continuous footprint of urban poverty on earth.&quot; Most of the world's new, exploding slums have only the most rudimentary sanitary arrangements, open sewers running along the corridor-like &quot;streets.&quot; In the slums of Bombay, there is an estimated one toilet per five hundred inhabitants. Currently, two million children die every year from waste-contaminated water in the world's slums. The enormity of this urban disaster is poorly comprehended in advanced nations like the United States, where the drinking water is still safe and even the poor have flush toilets connected to real sewers. But '''the slums of the world will […] be the breeding ground of the next pandemic''', and chances are, once it is underway, the wealthy nations will not be spared. 
** Chapter 5, p. 183.

* The entropic mess that our economy has become is the final blowoff of […] industrialism. The destructive practices known as &quot;free-market globalism&quot; were engendered by our run-up to and arrival at the world oil production peak. It was the logical climax of the oil &quot;story.&quot; It required the breakdown of all previous constraints […] to maximize the present at the expense of the future and to do so for the benefit of a very few at the expense of the many. […] Free-market globalism became the reigning orthodoxy […], challenged only by cranks wearing nose-rings at the very margins of society. '''The moment that the world recognizes the passing of the oil production peak as a reality, globalism will be dead both in theory and practice.'''
** Chapter 6, p. 185.

* '''Globalism was operated by oligarchical corporations on the gigantic scale, made possible by cheap oil. By “oligarchical” I mean that power was vested in small numbers of people running large organizations who were not accountable for their actions to many of the people who were subject to those actions. By “corporation,” I mean a group enterprise given the legal status of a “person,” with “rights,” but in fact devoid of any human qualities of ethics, humility, mercy, duty, or loyalty that would constrain those rights.''' As Wendell Berry put it, “a corporation […] is a pile of money to which a number of persons have sold their moral allegiance… It can experience no personal hope or remorse. No change of heart. It cannot humble itself. It goes about its business as if it were immortal, with the single purpose of becoming a bigger pile of money.
** Chapter 6, p. 186.

* The free-market part of the equation referred to the putative benefit of unrestrained economic competition between individuals, and because corporations enjoyed the legal status of persons, they were assumed to be on an equal footing with other persons in a given locality. Thus, Wal-Mart was considered the theoretical equal of Bob the appliance store owner, and if Bob happened to lose in the retail competition because he couldn't order 50,000 coffeemakers at a crack from a factory 12,000 miles away in {{w|Hangzhou}}, and receive a deep discount for being such an important customer, well, it wasn't as though he hadn't been given the chance.
** Chapter 6, p. 187.

* Cheap oil had allowed populations to explode in precisely those parts of the world that had had, for millennia, a high infant mortality rate and modest life expectancy. Cheap oil was behind the &quot;green revolution&quot; that increased the food supply in the nonindustrial world. Oil was also behind many of the medicines and preventives that had neutralized […] diseases. Now, suddenly, most of those children […] survived, grew up and produced more children who survived and grew up, and over the course of the twentieth century, the global populations hurtled into extreme numerical overshoot. Populations were, in effect, eating oil, notably in food exports from the United States, where agribusiness had completely taken over from agriculture. Local farmers in Africa, Asia, or South America couldn’t compete with corporate [[w:ADM (company)|Archer Daniels Midland]]’s oil-and-gas-based grain crops and U.S. government subsidies. There was no point in even bringing their hardscrabble crops to market when sacks of cheap American wheat sat on the docks of [[w:Busan|Pusan]] or [[Colombo]]. Farmers in those places felt that they had no choice but to migrate to the city and find some other way to get by. The only comparative advantage that these people possessed was their willingness to work for next to nothing. '''Cheap oil and free-market globalism turned comparative advantage into a new kind of feudalism, with the corporations as the lords and the overabundant locals as the serfs.''' And then, when the comparative advantage of cheap labor […] of one place, […] was superseded by the cheaper labor […] of another place, […] the corporations just moved their operations.
** Chapter 6, p. 187–188.

* The idea of comparative advantage works when there is a complex local economy intact in the background of each trading partner’s specialized item of production, with a variety of social roles and occupational niches to support the long-term project of community. But a locality geared to doing only one thing for export is […] a slave system based on the extractive economics of mining. […] One group had all the cheap labor, and another group had all the capital, and for a while, one group made all the things that the other group “consumed.” Thus, comparative advantage became, for a time, a con game strictly for the benefit of large corporations, which ended up enjoying all the advantages while the localities sucked up the costs.
** Chapter 6, p. 188.

* The corporations benefiting from this regime often had no physical home of their own, even in their country of origin—and not a few American corporations had moved their official address to [[w:Tax haven|Caribbean pseudo nations]], where the banking and tax laws were more agreeable. The corporations had no allegiance to any […] place or the people of that place, so the destruction they wreaked was as manifest in the ravaged towns of [[Ohio]] and upstate [[New York City|New York]] as in the environmental degradation of [[China]]. America was hardly immune to the consequences of free-market globalism. In effect, the American heartland was overtaken by a new […] corporate colonialism, emanating from our own culture, but no less destructive than the imposition of foreign rule.
** Chapter 6, p. 188–189.

* Did Americans sell out their towns, their neighbors, the memory of their ancestors, and the future of their grandchildren because they were helplessly in thrall to the blandishments of a cheap-oil economy? I honestly don’t know, though I tend to view the outcome as the result of many collective bad choices made by the public and its leaders. But were those choices inescapable? Certainly, the process was insidious and played out over several generations. 
** Chapter 6, p. 189-190.

* There have to be limits. If we project “housing starts” ninety-nine years forward at current rates, there wouldn’t be a single build-able quarter-acre lot left in the world. Not a few economists would rationalize this outcome by declaring that ninety-nine years from now we will have colonies on the [[moon]] or [[Mars]] or under the {{w|Sea of Cortez}}. Or that technology coupled with human ingenuity will solve the problem some other way, […] by genetically reengineering human beings to be one inch tall or booting all our consciousnesses into computer servers where unlimited numbers of virtual people could dwell in unlimited virtual environments of endless cyberspace.
** Chapter 6, p. 192-193.

* It is assumed now that human beings, prompted by the market, will employ ingenuity to discover a substitute for oil and gas, once the price starts to ramp up beyond the “affordable” range. This assumption is apt to prove fallacious because it ignores the fact that the earth is a closed system, while the laws of thermodynamics state that '''energy can’t be created out of nothing''', only changed from low entropy to high entropy, and that '''we have already changed the half [or perhaps a fraction] of our [planet's] oil endowment that was easiest to get into dispersed carbon dioxide, which is now ratcheting up global warming and climate change, which might well put the industrial adventure out of business before human ingenuity can come up with a substitute for oil.'''
** Chapter 6, p. 194.

* […] The […] oil-fueled boom that energized the suburban expansion of the 1920s brought turmoil and trouble to the farm economy. Thirty percent of the U.S. population still lived on farms in the 1920s. U.S. farmers had done well during World War I, exporting grain to a Europe that had become a shell-blasted battlefield. By the early 1920s, though, Europeans were able to feed themselves again. Meanwhile, the introduction of the tractor and the mechanization of farming in the United States led quickly to massive overproduction of grain. Unable any longer to pawn off the surplus on Europe, America suffered a crash in grain prices. '''The farm depression, which preceded the financial depression by half a decade, was a self-reinforcing feedback loop. As the market prices of corn and wheat plunged, farmers desperately tried to make up for low prices by producing more, which the domestic markets could not absorb, leading to even greater surpluses and more depressed prices.'''
** Chapter 6, p. 204.

* By the mid-1920s, the great wave of immigration suddenly ended. The [[w:Immigration Act of 1924|National Origins Act of 1924]] and other measures set new highly restrictive immigration quotas that cut new admissions to 2 percent of each nationality from the 1890 census. This choked off what had been a constant half-century-long demographic subsidy of ever more customers for U.S. manufacturers.
** Chapter 6, p. 205.

* Finance came to be viewed as a productive activity itself rather than a means to promote production. The public was no longer buying stock to invest in enterprises that would pay dividends over time, but merely because one could get rich from buying and selling stocks. As more people bought in, stock prices climbed still higher—a dangerous positive feedback loop.
** Chapter 6, p. 205-206.

* [...] The human race living off the &quot;drawdown&quot; of nonrenewable fossil fuel resources is the equivalent of the algae [...] enjoying a temporary rush of nutrients [...].
** Chapter 6, p. 208.

* The entropy produced in [[World War II]] was much more widespread and profound than that of World War I. In [[World War I]] the action had taken place […] entirely on rural terrain, classic battlefields. In World War II, much of the warfare was urban. The long-range bomber had reached a high stage of refinement in the twenty-plus years between world wars. None of the major capitals had been damaged in World War I. In World War II, hundreds of towns and cities were destroyed in Europe and Asia. Berlin was reduced to gravel; London was badly mutilated; and, of course, Hiroshima and Nagasaki became radioactive ashtrays. The casualties of World War I had been enormous, astonishing, [and] appalling beyond civilized peoples’ wildest dreams, but the victims had been overwhelmingly soldiers. The casualties in World War II were overwhelmingly civilians and in much greater aggregate numbers.
** Chapter 6, p. 212–213.

* '''[[American Dream|American life]], with its twin engines of suburbanization and factory production of consumer goods for the […] world, became so quickly and obviously successful''' that a new consensus formed supporting the value of the dollar and its paper accessories in capital markets, chiefly stocks, and bonds. This is not to say that the securities markets boomed in the 1950s and 1960s —it took until then just to recover the value levels of the pre-1929 crash —but stocks and bonds did regain respectability, [and] legitimacy. Those who had lived through the Great Depression, meaning virtually all the men who had served in the wartime army, had very modest expectations about the role of finance in the postwar economy. In the 1950s and 1960s, Americans bought stocks for the annual dividends they paid, not to flip them for a quick profit. In fact, share prices remained […] very flat during this period. The whole notion of investment was different than it would become later in the twentieth century. In the 1950s and 1960s, stock and bond values were linked much more directly with the successful production of real goods. General Motors derived its profits and paid its dividends on the basis of auto sales, not as today, primarily from leveraging interest rates and other abstract numbers' games removed from the actual making of products. In sum, the public attitude about the role of finance was extremely conservative. Finance was not an “industry” per se, but a set of institutions designed to keep the idea of money and its accessories credible, […] to allow real industries to function.
** Chapter 6, p. 215.

* Banking also regained respectability after the calamities of the 1930s. Federal deposit insurance, which had been instituted in the depths of the Great Depression, and only for deposits under $2,500, was raised to $10,000 in 1950, and the middle class was induced to feel confident about keeping its money in banks again. Interest rates remained modest, but so did inflation. The influx of savings made money available in capital markets to invest in new ventures. It was real money derived from work already done, pay already earned, true capital. Before the great orgy of mergers and consolidation that began in the 1970s, retail banking was […] local and community-centered. Bankers made loan decisions based on firsthand knowledge of projects going on in their communities—not, as today, based on bundling and selling clumps of mortgages for generic suburban developments they have never laid eyes on.
** Chapter 6, p. 216.

* The rebellion of the [[Hippie|hippie]]s […] based itself on the notion that abundance was a natural entitlement, and one could &quot;drop out&quot; of an insecure, deadly, and frightening industrial culture to live off the fat of the land. It was inescapably a jejune philosophy, fraught with contradictions. For the hippies, the natural order of things included items such as stereo record players, electric guitars, motor vehicles for adventuring around the country, cheap bulk whole grains, and other products of an oil-intensive industrial way of life. '''The hippie platform […] with all its mystical incunabula, rested on the platform of “normal” [[American Dream|American life]] and would have been impossible without it.'''
** Chapter 6, p. 217.

* At the start of the [[w:1980s oil glut|oil glut]], a climactic set of economic relations took shape led by Prime Minister [[Margaret Thatcher]] (and joined eagerly by President Reagan and his advisors) that would be called “globalism.” It was not so much a new idea as the logical and inevitable result of mature self-organizing systems elaborating themselves under the influence of renewed, immense energy inputs—the ultimate cheap-oil way of doing business in the [supposedly] closed system that is the planet [[Earth]]. It entailed the maximization of short-term profit and the minimization of care for future generations. It was the ultimate generator of entropy.
** Chapter 6, p. 219.

* In America, globalism meant the accelerated dismantling of the nation's manufacturing base and its reassignment to other countries where labor was dirt cheap and environmental regulations did not apply. It also meant the ramping up of a “service economy” or, more properly, the myth of a service economy to replace the old manufacturing economy. […] It was […] absurd. It was like the old joke about the village that prospered because the inhabitants were all employed taking in each other’s laundry. In fact, far fewer actual things of value were being created in the service economy. […] It was assumed, for instance, that computers […] boosted productivity. Much of that gain was either illusory or fraught with collateral social and economic losses of other kinds. Companies that reported higher productivity were shedding employees like mad and the entire ethos of work in America was being transformed from one of [the] people having secure careers and permanent positions with reliable companies to one of institutionalized insecurity for […] everyone below top management in a new general atmosphere of Darwinian corporate ruthlessness—under the rubric of &quot;free-market competition.&quot;
** Chapter 6, p. 220.

* '''What one also saw in the America of the 1980s and 1990s was commoditization and conversion of public goods into private luxuries, the impoverishment of the civic realm, and, to put it bluntly, the rape of the landscape—a vast entropic enterprise that was the culminating phase of suburbia.''' The dirty secret of the American economy in the 1990s was that it was no longer about anything except the creation of suburban sprawl and the furnishing, accessorizing, and financing of it. It resembled the efficiency of cancer. Nothing else really mattered except building suburban houses, trading away the mortgages, selling the multiple cars needed by the inhabitants, upgrading the roads into commercial strip highways with all the necessary shopping infrastructure, and moving vast supplies of merchandise made in China for next to nothing to fill up those houses. The economy of suburban sprawl was a systemic self-organizing response to the availability of inordinately cheap oil with ever-increasing entropy expressed in an ever-increasing variety of manifestations from the destruction of farmland to the decay of the cities, to widespread psychological depression, to the rash of school shooting sprees, to epidemic obesity. Americans didn’t question the validity of the suburban sprawl economy. They accepted it at face value as the obvious logical outcome of their hopes and dreams and defended it viciously against criticism. They steadfastly ignored its salient characteristic: that it had no future either as an economy or as a living arrangement. Each further elaboration of the suburban system made it less likely to survive any change in conditions, most particularly any change in the equations of cheap oil. It wasn't until the traumas of the 1970s that the finance sector mutated from being an adjunct of the industrial economy to becoming an “industry” in its own right helping to “drive” the economy. '''Among the distortions and perversions engendered by the “stagflation” economy was the rise of corporate cannibalism in the form of “creative” mergers and acquisitions, specifically hostile takeovers, the aggressive use of voting stock shares to gain control of companies that did not wish to sell, with the subsequent filleting and sell-off of assets, and discarding of the bones and offal (employee payrolls and obligations, careers, livelihoods, communities).'''
** Chapter 6, p. 222–223.

* In the face of the things like the {{w|Dot-com bubble|dot-com meltdown}}, the {{w|LTCM}} scare, the {{w|Enron scandal}}, and other disasters that eroded the notional value of financial paper, homeownership itself was now turned into a magical generator of unearned riches for both borrowers and lenders. It was consistent with the [[Las Vegas]]-ization of the national moral sense, chiefly the increasingly popular belief at every level of American life that it really was possible to get something for nothing. Anyone could see this in the easy public acceptance of gambling as okay and the proliferation of casinos everywhere in the land. Not even the evangelical Christians seemed to mind. There is no such thing as intrinsic value in a house. A huge percentage of the public has now put its net worth into something that […] isn't an investment. Apart from false econometrics of rising house valuations and the leverage that affords for raising cash within the context of the current lending rackets, a house is much more of a consumer product than an investment, especially the kind of houses built in recent decades in America, namely stapled-together boxes made of particle board and plastic cladding that require continual reinvestment in petty cash and labor for upkeep, and will probably not hold their value, even if well cared for, because of poor locational choices. A house on a one-acre lot in a subdivision in {{w|Loudoun County, Virginia}}, thirty-two miles from downtown [[Washington, D.C.|Washington]], […] a magnificent thing to behold today, with a soaring lawyer-foyer entrance, a restaurant-grade kitchen, and an inground pool out back. But if there is less gasoline to power up the fleet of cars necessary to service it, and no natural gas to heat the thousand-square-foot cathedral-ceilinged lawyer foyer, then chances are that the house is going to be a liability rather than an asset.
** Chapter 6, p. 229.

* The supernaturally low-interest rates provoked an orgy of buying and the orgy of buying bid up the prices of the houses, and as the prices of the houses levitated, the owners entered another new and strange zone of hallucinated wealth accumulation using the latest contrivance: the refinanced mortgage. Re-fi's allowed house owners to use their houses as though they were automatic teller machines. Say a person bought a house in 1999 for $250,000 and the house was appraised in 2003 at $400,000; that person could refinance with a substantial &quot;cash out&quot; privilege, converting the imagined increase of value into disposable income, which could then be used to buy motorboats, home theater plasma TV screens, or trips to Las Vegas. Refinancing prestidigitated an estimated $1.6 trillion for the American economy over a five-year period, and much of that &quot;money&quot; was deployed purchasing &quot;consumer&quot; goods—mostly made outside the United States. From 1999 to 2004 […] a third of all house owners indulged in cash-out re-fi mortgages. […] Behind every extravagant cash extraction lay the belief that at some future date the house would be worth a lot more than the re-fi price and could be readily flipped.
** Chapter 6, p. 231.

* After the mid-1990s, there was hardly a technical distinction to be made anymore between high-risk borrowers and everybody else in the casino atmosphere of [North] America[n] society. No one was at risk anymore because in the something-for-nothing economy it was impossible to be a loser. Or so went the herd thinking. […] It is […] likely that the housing bubble will have begun to come to grief.
** Chapter 6, p. 232.

* The failure of the [[w:Government-sponsored enterprise|GSE]]s would make the [[w:Savings and loan crisis|S&amp;L fiasco of the 1980s]] look like a bad night of poker. The failure of the GSEs would pose a far graver situation than the [[w:Long-Term Capital Management|LTCM]] flameout. It could easily bring on cascading failures that might jeopardize global finance. This time, the […] public would feel the pain.
** Chapter 6, p. 233.

* If the folks who lived along this highway put in gardens to make up for the escalating inadequacies of an industrial farming system starved for fossil fuel “inputs,” would they be able to feed themselves? '''Did any vernacular knowledge survive in a populace conditioned to think that food came from the supermarket? Did they know anything about cabbage loopers, powdery mildew, or anthracnose? Would they be able to prevent catastrophic crop loss? How would they defend their crops against deer, rabbits, [and] woodchucks? Would any of them know how to build a garden wall or even a fence? Where would they get fencing material? Would they have to sit out among the potato hills and the bean rows at night with loaded shotguns? And what would they do for light when they heard something munching out there? Would they know how to keep chicken, sheep, [and] cattle, including breeding and birthing them?'''
** Chapter 7, p. 237.

* Because […] systems are self-organizing in the face of circumstance, the big questions are '''how much disorder must we endure as things change, and how hard will we struggle to continue a particular way of life with no future?''' […] The U.S. economy of the decades to come will center on farming, not high-tech, […] “information,” or “services,” or space travel, […] tourism, or finance. All other activities will be secondary to food production, which will require much more human labor. 
** Chapter 7, p. 239.

* [...] [Everything] [...] tend[s] toward diminishing returns and unsustainability, [...] even in the short term.
** Chapter 7, p. 240.

* A hundred years ago, just before the introduction of the fossil fuel-based technologies, more than 30 percent of the American population was engaged in farming. Now the figure is 1.6 percent. The issue is not moral, academic, or aesthetic. […] It’s a matter of those ratios being made possible only because cheap oil and automation made up for so much human labor.
** Chapter 7, p. 241.

* The energy disruptions of the Long Emergency are going to remind us that the skyscraper was an experimental building form.
** Chapter 7, p. 253.

* The lucky suburbanites will be the ones with the forethought to trade in their suburban McHouses for property in the towns and small cities and prepare for a vocational life doing something useful and practical on the small scale. 
** Chapter 7, p. 256.

* Wal-Mart will not be able to profitably run its “warehouse on wheels” when the price of oil fluctuates chronically. […] We will never again experience the explosion of products, choices, and nonstop marketing that characterized the late twentieth century. The public may look back on the big-box shopping era with deep and mournful nostalgia, but we are apt to discover that happiness is still possible without the extraordinary advertising-driven compulsive materialism of recent decades. '''We will still have commerce. We will have [a] trade. There will be shopping. We will have […] medium of exchange. But we are not going to live in a perpetual blue-light special sale of cornucopian wretched excess.'''
** Chapter 7, p. 257.

* Even if we can’t get all the tools and the products we currently enjoy, we will retain a lot of basic knowledge that the people of Jefferson’s day just didn’t have. For instance, we will still understand that infections and many diseases are caused by microorganisms, not bad air, phases of the moon, or evil spells and that knowledge alone confers powerful advantages in daily living.
** Chapter 7, p. 258.

* '''Large-scale corporate enterprise has brought humankind much material comfort in two centuries but at the price of fantastic unintended consequences (externalized costs) ranging from the destruction of local communities to climate change. Large-scale corporations will be vulnerable to the collapse of capital formation markets that must accompany the end of the cheap oil fiesta. Corporate enterprise can certainly be reorganized on the small, local community scale, but it will not be the same as {{w|General Motors}}. Corporate enterprise in the Long Emergency may revert to being more public in nature and far less sovereign in power.''' There may be one exception: The most visible […] corporate organization that might survive the Long Emergency may be the church. Whether Catholic or Pentecostal or something new we haven't seen yet; the church won't have to rely on oil supplies. Organized religion doesn't have to traffic in awkward material products, only in beliefs, and it can operate at many scales simultaneously. Because American culture is constitutionally allergic to religious governance, we may have problems if churches are the only large organizations left standing—that is, assuming we still have the same constitution.
** Chapter 7, p. 259.

* We should […] conclude that the abandoned big-box structures will not last more than one generation under any circumstances. […] The same thing can be said about malls, strip malls, and chain restaurant buildings. Eventually, they will be the salvage yards and mines of the future.
** Chapter 7, p. 261.

* One final thing worth noting on the subject of rail: From 1890 to about 1920, American localities managed to construct hundreds of local and interurban streetcar lines that added up to a magnificent national system (independent of the national heavy rail system). Except for two twenty-mile gaps in New York state, one could ride the trolley lines from [[New England]] clear out to Wisconsin. The story of the conspiracy by General Motors and other companies to destroy the U.S. interurban system is well documented. The salient point, however, is how rapidly the system was created in the first place, and how marvelously well it served the public in the period before the automobile became established.
** Chapter 7, p. 268-269.

* It's hard to imagine a more purposeless activity than American-style high school in our time. […] The public questions its basic premises or mode of operation any more than the public questions the economy of suburban sprawl. But [the] high school in our time amounts to little more than daycare for virtual adults in which some learning might incidentally take place, much of it of dubious value.
** Chapter 7, p. 271.

* The Southwest also faces increasing friction with adjoining [[Mexico]]. This is not a racist provocation but a description of reality. '''No other first-world country has such an extensive land frontier with a third-world country. The income gap between the United States and Mexico is greater than that between any other two contiguous countries in the world.'''
** Chapter 7, p. 275.

* In any case, it is human nature to consider a place “home” if you were born there, or have family there, or have spent some portion of your life there, and people are naturally reluctant to leave home. I daresay that many Americans now living in the Southwest will not be disposed to understand what is really happening—that the carrying capacity of their home region has been suddenly and drastically reduced—and they will hunker down hoping for a return to better times.
** Chapter 7, p. 279.

* After air conditioning became widely affordable, southerners hardly went outside anymore, unless it was in a motor vehicle. Anything about southern vernacular architecture that once had been graceful in adapting to the climate was cast aside for the pleasures of air conditioning and cheapness of construction.
** Chapter 7, p. 283.

* The Long Emergency will cause unprecedented social and economic dislocation, and the outcome may be a world we would barely recognize. The [...] egalitarian society we knew in the [...] twentieth century may become drastically more hierarchical as large numbers of desperate people place themselves in the service of those who control land, especially following a period of anarchy. Under such harsh conditions, the weaker individuals will sell their allegiance in return for security.
** Chapter 7, p. 286–287.

* The gigantic smear of suburbia that runs […] without interruption from north of Boston through Connecticut, New York, New Jersey, Baltimore, Washington, and northern Virginia is not going to be a happy place.
** Chapter 7, p. 291.

* The circumstances of the Long Emergency will be the opposite of what we currently experience. '''There will be hunger instead of plenty, cold where there was once warmth, effort where there was once leisure, sickness where there was health, and violence where there was peace.''' We will have to adjust our attitudes, values, and ideas to accommodate these new circumstances and we may not recognize the people will soon become or the people we once were. In a world where sheer survival dominates all other concerns, a tragic view of life is apt to reassert itself. This is another way of saying that we will become keenly aware of the limitations of human nature [...]. Life will get much more real.
** Chapter 7, p. 303.

* '''I’m aware of having already lived more than a half-century through the greatest fiesta of luxury, comfort, and leisure that the world has ever known.''' I enjoyed central heating, air conditioning, cheap airfares, cable TV, advanced orthopedic surgery, and computers.
** Chapter 7, p. 304.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* [http://www.kunstler.com/ James Howard Kunstler home page]
* [http://jameshowardkunstler.typepad.com/ Comment on current events by Jim Kunstler]
* [http://www.ted.com/talks/view/id/121 TED Talks: James Howard Kunstler dissects suburbia] at [[Wikipedia:TED (conference)|TED]] in 2004

{{DEFAULTSORT:Kunstler, James Howard}}
[[Category:Novelists from the United States]]
[[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]]
[[Category:Bloggers from the United States]]
[[Category:Social critics]]
[[Category:Critics from the United States]]
[[Category:Orators from the United States]]
[[Category:Activists from the United States]]
[[Category:American Jews]]
[[Category:People from New York City]]
[[Category:1948 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]

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'''''[[w:Kirby: Right Back at Ya!|Kirby: Right Back at Ya!]]''''', known in Japan as Hoshi no Kirby (星のカービィ Hoshi no Kābī, Kirby of the Stars), is a Japanese anime series created by Warpstar, Inc. and based on Nintendo's Kirby franchise. The series ran for one hundred episodes from October 6, 2001 to September 27, 2003. The series aired on Chubu-Nippon Broadcasting in Japan and in the United States on 4Kids TV; 4Kids Entertainment heavily edited the content in the process.

== [Episode 1] Kirby Comes to Cappy Town ([Episode 1] 出た! ピンクの訪問者)==
:'''Escargoon''': Monster!? That's ridiculous! There's no monster in this castle!
:'''Cappy''': Yes there is! It's big and it eats everything in sight!
:'''Escargoon''': That's King Dedede! There's no monster. Now why don't you go on back to your little trailer park so the King can have his supper in peace?
:'''Tiff''': Hey, wait a minute, Escargoon! Not so fast! ''[Tiff, her brother Tuff, and their parents Sir Ebrum and Lady Like appear]'' How do we know you're not lying again?
:'''Tuff''': Yeah, like you usually do?
:'''Escargoon''': You have no right to speak to me that way. Your parents should slap you silly.
:'''Tiff''': Papa, something funny's going on!
:'''Sir Ebrum''': You might be right, Tiff. A monster is the kind of thing that Dedede would love.
:'''Lady Like''': The king must be behind this!
:'''Escargoon''': You're court official. How dare you accuse his royal highness! ''[to King Dedede]'' Want me to check 'em in for a two-week stay in the dungeon, sweet kingey?
:'''King Dedede''': ''[Laughs and turns to face everyone else]'' A monster, huh? Would the monster happen to look anything that?
:''[He points to a fish tank containing a small octopus]''
:'''Cappy''': That's it! That's the monster! Except it was a hundred times bigger!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[laughs]'' Well you can see this ain't no monster, it's my new pet octopus. The only thing he likes to eat is sardines.
:''[He drops one in the tanks. The octopus eats it]''
:'''King Dedede''': Hehehehe. Little fella wouldn't hurt a fly less it was on the end of a fish hook!
:'''Escargoon''': Of course it wouldn't. Now get out and go back to your trailer park so the king can have his dessert! Go on! Poof, you're gone!
:''[Tiff runs up to the octopus. The two exchange stares]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kabu''': Tell me, citizens of Dreamland. For what purpose have you come to consult me?
:'''Sir Ebrum''': We seek your wisdom and knowledge Kabu! For three nights a giant monster has been stealing our sheep.
:'''Lady Like''': And it's robbing me of my beauty sleep.
:'''Mayor Len''': King Dedede says it's not his monster...
:'''Chief Bookem''': But I don't believe that rascal.
:'''Tuff''': You know the truth, Kabu!
:'''Tiff''': Please tell us where the monster is, Kabu, and how we can make it go away.
:'''Kabu''': The monster is here. And all of Dreamland is in grave danger.
:'''Tiff''': Why did he come here?
:'''Kabu''': It was called here by your own King Dedede. ''[in the distance, Dedede and Escargoon are watching from Dedede's tank]''
:'''Escargoon''': Sounds like the big Kabu-na's got your number, crownie.
:'''King Dedede''': ''[punches Escargoon on the head]'' That tattle-telling tiki!
:'''Kabu''': The monster was created, by one far more powerful than King Dedede.
:'''Chief Bookem''': I'd like to lock both of them up.
:'''Mayor Len''': What can we do to stop them?
:'''Kabu''': There is nothing you can do.
:''[Everyone is in shock]''
:'''Sir Ebrum''': Oh dear!
:'''Lady Like''': Oh dear me!
:'''Falala''': Is Dreamland doomed?
:'''Tiff''': Can anybody help, Kabu?
:'''Kabu''': There is one hope... a Star Warrior traveling through space... whose name is Kirby.
:'''Tiff''': Kirby.
:'''Tuff''': Yay, Kirby!
:'''Tiff''': Hmmm, bet he's cute!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[He and Escargoon enter]'' That's trash you're talking, Kabu. Ain't no such person as Kirby.
:'''Escargoon''': That's right. You're full of Kabu-loney.
:'''Kabu''': Kabu can see the future.
:'''King Dedede''': Then why don't you predict what's gonna happen when I push this here button?
:'''Kabu''': I predict you will not push it.
:'''King Dedede''': Hey Escargoon, did ya hear that one? ''[laughs]'' Well I predict you're dead wrong!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': It's gotta be impossible, but your name wouldn't happen to be &quot;Kirby&quot;?!
:'''Kirby''': Kirby! Kirby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[After Kirby saves her from falling to her death]'' Kirby just saved my life.
:'''Tuff''': A monster wouldn't have done that, Tiff.
:'''Fololo''': You're right, Tuff.
:'''Falala''': Maybe Kirby is a Star Warrior.
:'''Tiff''': ''[dusting herself]'' Impossible, Falala. Warriors are big and strong, not pink and puffy! ''[Kirby walks by her, surprising her]''
:'''Tuff''': Hey, where are you going? ''[Kirby runs faster, and he, Fololo &amp; Falala give chase]'' Hey, wait up!
:'''Fololo''': He doesn't understand!
:'''Falala''': Don't let him get away, Fololo!
:'''Tiff''': Some warrior.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': My parents work for the King, and we live in the castle. In case you were wondering, my name's Tiff.
:'''Kirby''': Name Tiff.
:''(Tiff gasps)''
:'''Kirby''': Name Tiff!
:'''Tuff''': I'm her brother, Tuff.
:'''Kirby''': Tuff.
:'''Fololo''': And we're their friends Fololo...
:'''Falala''': ... and Falala!
:'''Kirby''': Fololo, Falala?
:'''Tuff''': Guess Kirby must be a baby warrior.
:''[Tiff, Tuff, Fololo, and Falala laugh]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Len''': ...And as Mayor of Cappy Town, I know I speak for everyone when I say we're pleased and proud to welcome our honored guest, the mighty Star Warrior Kirby.
:'''Chief Bookem''': I can speak for myself, thank you.
:'''Mayor Len''': Hah, we all know that, Chief Bookem.
:'''Tuff''': Let's hurry up and eat.
:'''Tiff''': Kirby doesn't understand what you're saying anyway.
:'''Mayor Len''': Then let's dig in, shall we?
:''[Kirby inhales everyone's dinner and then spits their accessories, plates, and silverware back out]''
:'''Kirby''': Poyo.
:'''Tuff''': ''[yells in frustration and falls face-first on the table surface]'' I knew I should've started eatin'.
:'''Tiff''': Hey, what's the big idea, Kirby?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Careful with that starship, snailbrain! Once we get it fixed, we can send Kirby back where he came from.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Why does he have to be so abusive? Self-esteem issues, anyone?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Welcome to Nightmare Enterprises, King Dedede. How may I assist you?
:'''King Dedede''': Look, pal, I don't like to complain, but I paid you folks a lot of money for an octopus monster and it turned out to be a little shrimp.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Just give it time, Your Highness, and I guarantee that little shrimp will grow on you.
:'''King Dedede''': Alright.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[screams upon seeing that Octacon has grown to its true size]'' HOLY CALAMARI!
:'''Escargoon''': Get back in your tank, you overgrown appetizer!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[tackles Escargoon]'' Find the receipt for this thing, 'cause I want my money back!
:'''Meta Knight''': You had better leave, Sire.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': ''[about what Kirby did to Octacon's miniature octopus]'' He sucked 'em up.
:'''Tiff''': Just like he sucked up our dinner.
:'''Meta Knight''': It is Kirby's classic defense - inhale.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': ''[about Kirby's transformation]'' That is Kirby's copy ability. After inhaling an attack, Kirby can transform himself. Kirby has now become... Fire Kirby.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': There goes my refund.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, I do believe we've been starstruck.

== [Episode 2] A Blockbuster Battle ([Episode 2] 大変! 戦士のおうち探し)==
:'''King Dedede''': They look like rejects to me. I need something strong enough to get rid of Kirby...for good!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Kirby's sure striking out with the plates.
:'''King Dedede''': Then let's see if he can slide.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': ''[about Blocky]'' This thing's even heavier than you, Sire.
:'''King Dedede''': Yeah. Big enough to beat Kirby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': You dumb blockhead!
:'''Escargoon''': We're sunk and so is he!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': I'm gonna miss my little Blocky!
:'''Escargoon''': Well, Sire, it just goes to show you you shouldn't take your monsters for granite.

== [Episode 3] Kirby's Duel Role ([Episode 3] え! メタナイト卿と対決?) ==
:'''Tiff''': Meta Knight came here to see you, didn't he, Kabu?
:'''Kabu''': He came here to consult with me about the threat to the planet.
:'''Tiff''': Threat to the planet? What do you mean?
:'''Kabu''': There is a secret empire of evil ruled by one known as eNeMeE. ''[does a flashback to a shadowed Nightmare placing Chess monsters on the chessboard in his lair]'' It is his plan to control the entire universe. He creates monsters and delivers them to customers like Dedede, who do not know their true purpose. But eNeMeE made one grave mistake. ''[Nightmare grimaces in pain as the shadowed sphere he was about to place on the chessboard has just stabbed his finger with a sword]'' One creature was produced that would not obey his orders, and eNeMeE fears it may defeat him. ''[Nightmare furiously slams the chessboard as the flashback ends]''
:'''Tiff''': The creature must be... Kirby.
:'''Tuff''': Yeah, and that must be why eNeMeE's trying to get rid of him.
:'''Kabu''': That is the likely explanation.
:'''Tiff''': Well, we better get going. Thanks a lot, Kabu.
:'''Tuff''': Hey, Kabu. Where'd ya learn all that stuff?
:'''Kabu''': I learned it long ago, from Meta Knight.
:'''Tuff''': Say what?!
:'''Tiff''': From Meta Knight?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Well, that pink punk ain't gonna make a monkey out of King Dedede. ''[starts driving back to his castle only to be interrupted by Meta Knight]'' Outta my way, Meta Knight!
:'''Meta Knight''': Sire, it is my duty to warn you. Kirby has great power now.
:'''King Dedede''': Yeah? Well, who's the king around here, you or me?
:'''Escargoon''': Move it or lose it!
:'''Meta Knight''': It pains me to do this, sire. But I'm afraid I must. ''[kicks Dedede's tank downhill]''
:'''King Dedede''': Hey! What's happening?!
:'''Escargoon''': We're going backwards!
:'''King Dedede''': I know that! Hit the brakes!
:'''Escargoon''': They won't hold, we're gonna crash!
:'''King Dedede''': Do something!
:'''Escargoon''': Like what?!
:'''King Dedede''': Break my fall!
:''[The tank reverses off a nearby cliff and crashes off-screen]''

== [Episode 4] Dark and Stormy Knight ([Episode 4] 星の戦士のひみつ) ==
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Sorry, Your Majesty. But our contract says that Kracko can't be sent backo! ''[laughs]''

== [Episode 5] Beware: Whispy Woods! ([Episode 5] 怒れ! ウィスピーウッズ) ==
:'''Tiff:''' Our planet's ecosystem is a marvel of symbiotic relationships among all living things large and small. Wow, isn't that amazing, Kirby? ''(notices Kirby is missing)'' Kirby? Kirby!
:'''Tuff:''' I guess Kirby must've got bored and went for a walk or something.

== [Episode 6] Un-Reality TV ([Episode 6] 見るぞい! チャンネルDDD)==
:'''Tiff''': WE USED TO HAVE LIVES BEFORE TELEVISION!!!!!

== [Episode 7] Kirby's Egg-Cellent Adventure ([Episode 7] 逆襲! ダイナブレイド) ==
:'''King Dedede''': Look at all the variety. There's shy birds, fly birds, blue birds, two birds, crazy birds, and lazy birds!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Remind me to install some escalators on this mountain.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[singing]'' ''♪ Dyna Blade had an egg she laid, E-I-E-I-O. But a handsome king had a plan he made, E-I-E-I-O. When Kirby eats that big old egg, Dyna Blade's gonna grab him by the leg, drag him away to a secret lair, finally get Kirby out of my hair. ♪'' Dyna Blade... Hey, look!
:'''Escargoon''': Let's hide.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': Our deeds bind us to fate as surely as the sun sets.
:'''Tiff''': Could you say that in English?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Kirby, I was only kidding! You'd be too tough for anybody to eat.

== [Episode 8] Curio's Curious Discovery ([Episode 8] キュリオ氏の古代プププ文明) ==

:'''Tiff''': Remember what you always say. The most important thing isn't to show your theories right, but to dig all the way to the truth!

== [Episode 9] The Fofa Factor ([Episode 9] ロロロとラララ愛のメロディ)==
:'''Escargoon''': Sire, a message from your fortune teller.
:'''King Dedede''': Well? What's my soothsayer say?
:'''Escargoon''': I'm lookin', I'm lookin! It says, &quot;If you look for trouble, your trouble will double.&quot;
:'''King Dedede''': Hmph. What's that mumbo-gumbo supposed to mean?
:'''Escargoon''': I'm not sure, but there's more.
:'''King Dedede''': Good. Is it next week's lottery numbers?
:'''Escargoon''': If it was, I wouldn't tell you. It says, &quot;Your account is past due. Pay up, you cheap tightwad!&quot; ''[Dedede hammers him]'' Great. Just 'cause I'm a snail, I get slugged.
:'''King Dedede''': Well I'll show her. I'm ordering a new monster.
:'''Escargoon''': Did you order me some aspirin?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Say, you Cappies look kinda sheepish. Hah! Sheepish! That's a good one! ''[laughs]''
:'''Chief Bookem''': King Dedede! ''[Dedede looks at Bookem with a shocked expression on his face]'' Body-snatchin's illegal.
:'''King Dedede''': So what? You may have my body, but I'm still head around here!
:'''Mayor Len''': We demand you return us to normal, your highness. We're one furious flock!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Boy Kirby and Girl Kirby laugh]''
:'''Falala''': I think we'd better keep it down guys.
:'''Fololo''': Falala, they look just like us!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fofa''': No! Let me go, you creep! I don't wanna be sent to hurt anybody!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': All you can do is float in the air, you useless little clown. We're splitting you in two.
:'''Fofa''': In two?! No please, you can't!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': ''[after Slice n' Splice's sun rod has disintegrated]'' It's too late to use it now. The sun rod bit the dust.
:'''Tiff''': I'm really sorry that we couldn't put you two back together again.
:'''Falala''': That's okay. We may have two bodies...
:'''Fololo''': But we've got one heart. [he and Falala hug each other]

== [Episode 10] Hail to the Chief ([Episode 10] ボルン署長をリニュアルせよ)==
:'''Mayor Len''': Lunatics! This is a road, not a bumper car track!
:'''Escargoon''': It's your fault. I guess you haven't heard the King's always got the right of way.
:'''King Dedede''': Just ask the DDDMV!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': You could have been hurt in that crash, but luckily your stomach acts as a built-in airbag.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuggle''': The King's firing Chief Bookem?
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': There goes my doughnut sales.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Those bees gave me so many lumps that I feel like a bowl of oatmeal!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': ''[While Driving Dedede's Tank And Yelling At The Same Time]'' Driving sure is a lot harder than it looks!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Aw, my paper's in pieces! Grr... if that's how y'all gonna play it, i'm gonna up the ante!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chief Bookem''': ''[to the bees, about Dedede and Escargoon]'' Company bee, arrest these crooks!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Leave us alone, don't pollinate something!
:'''King Dedede''': Don't you dare sting yo king!

== [Episode 11] The Big Taste Test ([Episode 11] 宮廷シェフ・カワサキ) ==
:'''Escargoon''': ''[shaking]'' You don't want to eat me! I'm bitter...r...r...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': What better way to honor your King than to let him sauté you?
:'''Escargoon''': ''[whimpering]'' I never thought I'd go like this...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[trying samples of Kawasaki's food]'' Tasteless! Nasty! Awful! This stinks! This too! Lousy! Putrid! Rancid! TREASON!!! Kawa-yucki, I oughta fry you up like a fritter!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': I know this came out of the oven, but it tastes like it came outta the sofa cushions!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': There's a word for this here stuff, and it ain't &quot;food&quot;!

== [Episode 12] Kirby's Pet Peeve ([Episode 15] 誕生? カービィのおとうと) ==
:'''King Dedede''': What's that thing he's got?
:'''Escargoon''': I don't know what he's got, but I've got whiplash.
:''(Kirby and the Robot Pet scream &quot;Poyo!&quot; and bark respectively at them, angrily)''
:'''King Dedede''': That's one of them computer canines! I want one of 'em, too. Where'd he get that?
:'''Escargoon''': I don't know. Probably from that toy shop in Cappy Town.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Now what do I look like, some little nitwit?
:'''Gengu''': I wouldn't say little. Definitely not.

== [Episode 13] Escargoon Squad ([Episode 12] デデデ城のユーレイ)==
:'''Tiff''': I bet it's one of those monsters!
:'''Sir Ebrum''': Is this another plot against Kirby?!
:'''King Dedede''': I ain't plotting against nobody! And there ain't no ghost 'cause there can't be no such a thing!
:'''Lady Like''': But then what was it that flew in my window?
:'''Sir Ebrum''': Why were those bottles floating?!
:'''Tiff''': There's a ghost here!!
:'''King Dedede''': NUAAAAAAGGGHHHH THE GHOST IS AFTER ME! '''AND I GOTTA DO SOMETHING BEFORE IT GETS MEEEEEEEAHAHAHA!!!!'''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Meta Knight''': It appears you were able to shamboozle us all, Escargoon.
:'''Sir Ebrum''': By jove! You suddenly had me believing in ghosts.
:'''Lady Like''': Tuff, I'm ashamed of you!
:'''Tuff''': King Dedede is always doing stuff to scare us. Why shouldn't we scare him?
:'''Kirby''': Poyo!
:'''Tiff''': Well, I guess bad things happen to bad kings!
:''[Everyone in the room but Meta Knight burst out laughing]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[chasing Kirby, Tuff, Escargoon, Fololo And Falala]'' You all gonna be ghosts when I catch up with ya!

== [Episode 14] The Pillow Case ([Episode 14] 夢枕魔獣顔見勢) ==
:'''Escargoon''': What's wrong, Sire? I haven't seen you this mad since yesterday.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Take it easy on those turns.
:'''King Dedede''': Just hang on to my throne.
:'''Escargoon''': I'll hang on to the throne, Sire. It's my lunch I'm worried about.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': I'm their number one customer, and they ought to acknowledge that once in a while.
:'''Escargoon''': Well, maybe they would if you pay the bill every once in a while.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Pillows? What're they for?
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Haven't you ever used one? They're for sleeping.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[Hypnotized]'' Must destroy kirby. '''Destroy Kirby!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Lucky little lump.

== [Episode 15] A Fish Called Kine ([Episode 16] 私を愛したサカナ 私を愛したサカナ) ==
:'''Tiff''': A fish who can write...
:'''Kine''': A lot of fish are very educated because we spend so much time in schools.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Me, your girlfriend?!
:'''Tuff''': ''[Laughing]'' Yeah, Tiff. And he can be your Gillfriend!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Ah... the catch of the day.
:'''Tuff''': Stop! That's not sushi, that's Tiff's boyfriend!
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Her... boyfriend?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': You see how dangerous it is?
:'''Tuff''': You're lucky. You must have nine lives.
:'''Kine''': Maybe that means I'm part catfish...

== [Episode 16] Flower Power ([Episode 18] 眠りの森のピンクボール) ==
:'''Fololo &amp; Falala''': Babagahara? I've heard of that place. No one who goes there has ever come back!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': This plant plan's startin' to grow on me.
:'''Dedede''': Yeah, that Pukey Flower's one bad blossom! It pops up little Noddy berries, the critters gobble them up, and the owners can't wake 'em. (laughs)
:'''Escargoon''': They think a wiff of the Pukey will wake them up, but then the Pukey eats them up!
:'''Dedede''': And now it's time for Kirby.
:'''Escargoon''': Lunch time. ''[the two burst into laughter]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirby''': ''[snoring, sleep-talking]'' Picnic...picnic...
:''[Tuff gasps]''
:'''Kirby''': ''[sleep-talking again]'' Pic...nic....

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Kirby! Glad you're okay, buddy!

== [Episode 17] Here Comes the Son ([Episode 19] ナックルジョーがやって来た!) ==
:'''King Dedede''': I happen to know just the Star Warrior you lookin' for.
:'''Knuckle Joe''': Then spill your guts, tubby.
:'''King Dedede''': Uhhh, tubby?
:'''Escargoon''': Hey wise guy, this is the king you're talking about! You can't insult him because he's fat! Or because he's a big ignoramus! Or because he's a tightwad...''[gets hammered by Dedede]''
:'''King Dedede''': '']clears throat]'' Sonny, I know just the Star Warrior you lookin' for, and his name's Kirby.
:'''Knuckle Joe''': Look out... Kirby.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Knuckle Joe''': He wasn't a father. He was a weakling.
:'''Meta Knight''': Good. I am glad. That way, he will not have to see what a monster you have become. 
:'''Knuckle Joe''': What? I am not a monster! 
:'''Meta Knight''': Anyone who abandons his reason, and lives only by hatred, is a monster. 
:'''Knuckle Joe''': Grrr... 
:'''Tiff''': Knuckle Joe... What we do makes us all monsters. And now, look what you did to Kirby. 
:'''Knuckle Joe''': But I am not a monster! 
:'''Meta Knight''': But you lived by hatred. And hatred is what eNeMeE loves.

== [Episode 18] Dedede's Snow Job ([Episode 20] さよなら、雪だるまチリー) ==

== [Episode 19] A Princess in Dis-Dress ([Episode 21] 王女ローナの休日)==
:'''King Dedede''': ''(Practice proposal to Princess Rona)'' From the moment I laid my big ol' eyes on your big ol' head, I knew you were my love.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[Cries]'' I wanna marry the pretty princess!
:'''Escargoon''': ''[at Princess Rona]'' Now you've broken the king's heart! ''(softly)'' How? I don't know, he doesn't have one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': My dreams are shattered. How will I ever fill this emptiness?
:'''Escargoon''': Ah, just do what you normally do. Have seven cheeseburgers.

== [Episode 20] Island of the Lost Warrior ([Episode 22] 孤島の決戦老兵は死なず!) ==
:'''Tuff''': What are we going to do, Tiff?
:'''Tiff''': I'm thinking! It takes time to come up with great ideas!
:''[Tiff's stomach growls]''
:'''Tiff''': ''[looking embarrassed]'' My stomach thinks it's a great idea for us to find some lunch now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Kirby, I'm sure glad you made friends with Sergeant Cosmos.
:'''Tuff''': Me too, but that guy's still kind of wacky.
:'''Tiff''': He's been stuck on this island so long he thinks the Star Warriors still have an army.
:'''Kit Cosmos''': ''[suddenly puts out Kirby and friends' fire that they were cooking their fish on]'' Are you kids out of your minds?! Lightin' a campfire at night will give away our position to the enemy!
:'''Tuff''': Yeah, except we don't have any enemies.
:'''Tiff''': And look. Now we don't have any dinner.
:'''Kit Cosmos''': Tough luck. During some of my missions, I went weeks with nothin' to eat but dirt! A real warrior don't need no fancy luxuries like food!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;	
:'''Kit Cosmos''': I salute you, Meta Knight!

== [Episode 21] The Empty Nest Mess ([Episode 23] 迷子のダイナベイビー)==
:'''King Dedede''': Escargoon! Get this caterpillar off of me!
:'''Escargoon''': I guess I used too much formula, but at least we know it works!

== [Episode 22] Ninja Binge ([Episode 24] ニンジャ、ベニカゲ参上!)==
:'''Benikage''': Keep away from the scroll, or prepare to battle a real ninja!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Benikage''': ''[sniff]'' They're plastic anyway...''[cries]''

== [Episode 23] Like Mother, Like Snail/Escargoon Rules ([Episode 24] エスカルゴン、まぶたの母)==
:'''Tiff''': Who's so important to ya?
:'''Escargoon''': It's my... it's my... It's my mommy!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon's Mother''': Ahh, it's still so hard for me to believe that I'm the mother of a king.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': You two's Escar-dentical!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Don't worry. That guy's just pretending to be king.
:'''Escargoon's Mother''': He's pretending? But why?
:'''Tiff''': It's his job to act crazy. Dedede's the court jester.
:'''Escargoon's Mother''': Court jester? You mean he's a clown?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[horrified, about his Drifter parachute]'' It's been De-De-Disintegrated!

== [Episode 24] Sword and Blade, Loyal and True/Hour of the WolfWrath ([Episode 26] 忠誠! ソードとブレイド) ==
:'''Escargoon''': (after WolfWrath has gotten away from him and Dedede) Ah, I don't think it's housebroken.
:'''Dedede''': That WolfWrath monster of yours better not wreck my castle. This ain't no doghouse!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': I'm afraid WolfWrath doesn't take too well to training, Triple D. He's kind of a hot dog and if you try to break him, you'll get burned! ''[laughs]''
:'''Dedede''': Huh? It'll attack me?! ''[the N.M.E. Sales Guy laughs again]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': ''[about WolfWrath's battle with Meta Knight]'' Look, it's battling Meta Knight, not Kirby!
:'''Dedede''': Grr... Meta Knight oughtta mind his own beeswax and let WolfWrath turn Kirby into toast!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Don't sweat it, Triple D. That monster can wipe out a whole army of Star Warriors.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': KITCHEEEEENNNNN!!! Where's the chow, ya chowder-heads? His highness is hungry up here!
:'''Waddle Doo''': But we just served the king a ten-course meal.
:'''Dedede''': All of them appetizers was un-appetizin'. Bring me ten different courses and make it snappy!
:'''Waddle Doo''': Right! ''[he and the Waddle Dees make another ten-course meal and start bringing it to the king]'' Hup, two, three, four, we bring the food and he wants more, five, six, seven, eight, the king had better watch his weight.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sword Knight''': We should have stayed to protect Kirby.
:'''Blade Knight''': ''[mumbling]'' Our promise.
:'''Sword Knight''': We're sorry, kids. We won't let it happen again.
:'''Tiff''': That's okay. The only reason you two were reckless was because you knew Meta Knight was in trouble.
:'''Tuff''': You guys sure are loyal to him. How'd you meet him?
:'''Kirby''': Poyo.
:'''Blade Knight''': ''*mumbling*'' Long time ago.
:'''Sword Knight''': Back when Meta Knight and the Star Warriors were battling Nightmare's monster armies. ''(begins flashback)'' The struggle turned the whole galaxy into a wasteland. To survive, we became bandits.
:''[Meta Knight is running up the side of the canyon when Blade Knight and Sword Knight step in his way]''
:'''Meta Knight''': Out of my way. Let me pass!
:'''Sword Knight''': Oh, we'll be happy to let you pass, for a price.
:''[Blade Knight mumbling]''
:'''Meta Knight''': I have no time for your games. The monster that is chasing me is truly dangerous.
:'''Sword Knight''': We're dangerous too.
:'''Meta Knight''': I warn you. Leave now while you still have a chance.
:''[WolfWrath's howl is heard above all three as it leaps down and attacks by surprise]''
:'''Blade Knight''': Away! Away! ''[mumbling]''
:''[Sword Knight attacks but is thrown aside by WolfWrath. It spits a fireball at them only for it to be reflected back by Meta Knight]''
:'''Meta Knight''': Run. Quickly! ''[Blade Knight and Sword Knight hide as he then fights back against WolfWrath and ultimately forces it into a nearby lake as the flashback ends]''
:'''Sword Knight''': We were just a pair of lousy crooks.
:'''Blade Knight''': Meta Knight ''*mumbling*'' rescued us.
:'''Tiff''': So that's why you follow him.
:'''Tuff''': 'Cause he saved you both.
:'''Sword Knight''': ''[about the weapons hung on the wall of their master's living room]'' Those things on the wall... We used them to rob and steal. Now they remind us of what fools we were before we met Meta Knight.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dedede''': ''[snacking on his latest ten-course meal]'' What's taking them guards so long to track my monster?
:'''Escargoon''': Finish your snack, sire. I'm checking the cameras. ''[sees WolfWrath blowing fire everywhere it goes, even at the cameras]'' Ahh! What's it doing?! ''[sees even more of the castle halls on fire]'' Ah! WolfWrath's a fire dog!
:'''Dedede''': ''[gasps in anger and starts yelling at the N.M.E. Sales Guy]'' What're you trying to pull here?! That monster's barbecuing my whole castle!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Oops! I guess I forgot to mention that. WolfWrath needs to set fires to get the strength for its attacks.
:'''Dedede''': ''[growling with anger, he's finally had enough and he gives an order to the Waddle Dees]'' Throw that WolfWrath outta here!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sword Knight''': Blade. Remember how Meta Knight saved us when WolfWrath cornered us?
:'''Blade Knight''': Hm. Aye. ''[mumbling]''
:''(flashback to when Meta Knight and WolfWrath fell into the nearby lake)''
:'''Sword Knight''': Water is WolfWrath's one weakness.
:'''Blade Knight''': ''[mumbling]'' Put it out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sword Knight''': Brings back memories, don't it, Blade?
:'''Blade Knight''': ''[mumbling]''
:''[last flashback of the episode begins, showing both Sword and Blade kneeling behind Meta Knight]''
:'''Meta Knight''': So. Are you two sure you want to join me?
:'''Blade Knight''': You're ''[mumbling]'' great warrior.
:'''Sword Knight''': We want to make your cause our cause.
:'''Meta Knight''': I will tell you what we must do. We must search for a new warrior... one who will defeat eNeMeE and bring justice to our galaxy.
:'''Sword Knight''': From that moment on, we became Meta Knight's followers.
:'''Blade Knight''': And, ''[mumbling]'' loyal to him.
:''[both Sword Knight and Blade Knight look on proudly at Kirby's triumphant pose with Galaxia as light from the sky shines down on him]''

== [Episode 25] The Flower Plot ([Episode 27] 恋に落ちたウィスピーウッズ) ==
:'''Lovely''': ''(to Whispy Woods)'' But Whispy, these oxygen-breathers can't possibly mean more to you than I do.

== [Episode 26] Labor Daze ([Episode 28] 恐怖のデデデ・ファクトリー) ==
:'''Tiff''': Dedede made us think he was making appliances, but he was really building a giant robot.
:'''Tuff''': That creep! I'd like to tear it apart with my bare hands!

== [Episode 27] The Hot Shot Chef / A Spice Oddysey ([Episode 29] 激辛! ファミレス戦争)==
:'''King Dedede''': Yuck! &lt;big&gt;Yuck!!&lt;/big&gt; &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''YUCK!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt; This slop ain't fit for a doggone dog! There's gotta be something here that's eatable! ''[takes a bite of a salad, chews for a few seconds then bursts into tears]'' I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!
:'''Escargoon''': But Majesty, we've got other choices. Instant noodles, cat food, crunchy liver-and-bacon dog treats, hmm? ''[Dedede looms over him]''
:'''King Dedede''': &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''I WANT SOMETHIN' TASTY!!!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;
:''[later, at Restaurant Kawasaki...]''
:'''King Dedede''': Yuck! &lt;big&gt;Yuck!!&lt;/big&gt; &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''YUCK!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt; THIS TASTES LIKE TRASH!!! Kawasaki, ain't you got nothing digestion-able in this here dump!?
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Sorry, Sire. That's every dish on the menu.
:'''King Dedede''': You ain't no chef, YOU'RE A GARBAGEMAN!!
:'''Escargoon''': Come clean, Kawasaki. All chefs have secret recipes. Don't hold out on us!
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': I'm not! That's all I have!
:'''King Dedede''': What a loser. Let's get out of here.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': But what about your bill?
:'''King Dedede''': Forget it, pizza-face! ''[throws a pizza at Kawasaki]''
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': ''[tastes the pizza]'' It tastes okay to me...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': I need a top-class chef for my new restaurant.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': You owning a restaurant is like a termite owning a lumber yard.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Monsieur Goan''': Tornato.
:'''King Dedede''': Tornado?
:'''Escargoon''': Not tornado. Tornato. It's a fancy foreign language, Sire.
:'''King Dedede''': I was joking, ya beanhead!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': I can't even give my food away.
:'''Tuff''': What are you gonna do?
:'''Tiff''': I guess you can always pay people to eat here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': ''[sighs]'' He was my only customer and I turned him into a flamethrower...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': It's done. This dish is so hot, it may burn through the pot. I call it Toxic Atomic Curry. When they get a taste of this, I'll be the hottest chef in town! ''[laughs maniacally]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[gasp]'' You're on fire!
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Hahahaa-haha! Atomic Curry!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Kirby's in trouble!
:'''Tiff''': That monster knows every trick in the book!
:'''Meta Knight''': You mean in the cookbook!
:'''Tiff''': Hey, that's a pretty good one!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[Laughing]'' Won't be long now, Kirby!
:'''Kirby''': ''[freezes]''
:'''Tiff''': Kirby!
:'''Escargoon''': Relax, you'll feel a lot better when you try a bracing bowl of Kirby sorbet.
:'''King Dedede''': Just chill out, Kirby.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Yeah! He's Fire Kirby!
:'''Meta Knight''': No, that's the heartburn from Kawasaki's cooking.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': I finally out-spiced Kirby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Alright, what's this all about a punishment?
:'''King Dedede''': If you ask me, it's punishment enough to mangle with the peasants!

== [Episode 28] Hatch Me if You Can ([Episode 30] カービィの謎のタマゴ)==
:'''Chief Bookem''': Hmm. No missing egg reports coming yet. Nobody broke into any nests, lately. I guess Kirby can go back to sittin' on the egg.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Well, they're not gonna be any help. I'm gonna have to crack this egg case myself.

== [Episode 29] Cappy New Year ([Episode 13] ププビレッジ年忘れ花火大会)==
:'''King Dedede''': This new year's gonna be a blast. ''[laughs]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': We can create our own celebration. We can do whatever we want to!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': That monster's a pyrotechnomaniac!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Len Blustergas''': It's almost midnight! So ten...
:'''Everyone else''': ...nine... eight... seven... six... five... four... three... two... one... ''[fireworks occur behind Parasol Kirby]'' HAPPY NEW YEAR!
:'''Kirby''': Poyo! ''[waves to everybody as fireworks shaped like the sentence HAPPY NEW YEAR appear behind him]''

== [Episode 30] Abusement Park ([Episode 31] ビバ! デデベガスへようこそ)==
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': ''[about Mike Kirby's singing]'' It's like he's scratching down a chalkboard! I can't take it! I'm sending Kirby back...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': I fear Microphone Kirby may be Kirby's most powerful form!
:'''Tiff''': Now you tell me!

== [Episode 31] Junk Jam ([Episode 33 え〜っ! 宇宙のゴミ捨て場) ==
:'''Tuff''': Kirby, doesn't your stomach ever get tired?

== [Episode 32] The Kirby Derby - Part I ([Episode 35] 栄光のプププグランプリ (前編))==
:'''King Dedede''': &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''I'M GONNA GET THAT GOOFBALL!!!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Tuff, I almost got run over! You should stick to a tricycle!

== [Episode 33] The Kirby Derby - Part II ([Episode 36] 栄光のプププグランプリ (後編)) ==
:'''Mayor Len Blustergas''': You and I were married forty years ago today. That's why I wanted to win so badly!

== [Episode 34] A Recipe for Disaster ([Episode 34] 究極鉄人、コックオオサカ)==
:'''King Dedede''': I paid Nightmare Enterprises a heap o' money so they can send me a heap o' popcorn?

== [Episode 35] Watermelon Felon ([Episode 37] お昼のデデデワイドをつぶせ!)==
:'''Meta Knight''': Sometimes the pen is mightier than the sword.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Well, you got a problem with me, pinky?
:'''Kirby''': ''[Barfs out the newspapers and the newspapers flood the castle]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': ''[in reaction to King Dedede uploading the millions of newspapers that Kirby flooded his entire castle with to Nightmare's Fortress]'' HEY! What do you think you're doing?!
:'''King Dedede''': There's a lot more where that came from. Nobody wants these newspapers anymore, so I gotta put 'em somewhere.

== [Episode 36] Escar-Gone ([Episode 39] 忘却のエスカルゴン) ==
:'''Meta Knight''': Tiff. Have you ever met that snail before?
:'''Tiff''': Never. I was just being nice to him because he seemed so upset.
:'''Meta Knight''': Hmmm. We've never met, but somehow he knew both of our names.
:'''Tiff''': I think the guy's missing a few marbles.
:'''Meta Knight''': Maybe so. We'd better keep an eye on him in case his condition worsens.
:'''Tiff''': I wonder if his name really is Escargoon...
:'''Escargoon''': ''[having overheard Tiff &amp; Meta Knight's conversation and realizing they've forgotten him as well]'' Oh, mercy! This is the darkest day of my life! ''[runs away crying]''

== [Episode 37] Monster Management ([Episode 40] 魔獣ハンターナックルジョー!)==
:'''King Dedede''': Ahh, ''[chuckles]'' Ain't nothin' like starting the day off with bubblin' bath!
:'''Escargoon''': It's great to be king.
:'''King Dedede''': Mmm-hm.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Our new management director suggested that we give you a hands-on demonstration. I believe you've met. Say hello, Joe.
:'''Knuckle Joe''': ''[turns around smiling while donning his new business suit]'' That's Knuckle Joe!
:''[King Dedede &amp; Escargoon's jaws drop in a huge state of surprise]''
:'''Knuckle Joe''': Nice to see you again, tubby.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': Hey! Quit pluckin' my plumage, bub!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Knuckle Joe ain't qualified to work for N.M.E.!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': But Joe! I thought you wanted to battle on the side of the good guys!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': What a mess. It's gonna be monster mayhem! Well, I sure hope Kirby took his vitamins today.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[several Mini-Monsters rampage throughout Cappy Town, causing as much trouble as they want and wrecking as many things as they can find]''
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Ah! Knock it off, you lowlifes, or at least order something!
:'''Tuggle''': Yo! No piggin' out at my place without payin'!
:''[Knuckle Joe watches the chaos unfold in Cappy Town from a rooftop]''
:'''Knuckle Joe''': Perfect. Just like I planned.
:''[pan to more trouble caused in Cappy Town by the Mini-Monsters]''
:'''Prof. Curio''': Ah! That urn's an antique you uncultured brute!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': You are putting the planet in danger!
:'''Knuckle Joe''': Just trying to keep my bosses happy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Oh, that Knuckle Joe! Why did he make all this trouble?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': Masher is a real heavyweight.
:'''Tiff''': ''[Replying to Meta Knight about Masher being a real heavyweight]'' You said it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Knuckle Joe leaps down, tosses away his business suit, and charges in to join in Masher's beatdown of Kirby]''
:'''Tiff''': Knuckle Joe! ''[starts shedding tears]'' Please don't do it.
:'''Knuckle Joe''': Get ready, Kirby. Your time is up! Vulcan Jab, Vulcan Jab, Vulcan Jab! ''(starts pounding on Kirby as well)''
:'''Tiff''': Poor Kirby.
:'''Tuff''': One bad guy was enough. How can Kirby win two against one?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[in reaction to Knuckle Joe's sudden betrayal against Masher]'' Hey! You was supposed to clobber Kirby, not mess with Masher!
:'''Knuckle Joe''': I tricked ya!
:''[everyone reacts in surprise]''
:'''Knuckle Joe''': It took a long time to plan, but it was worth it. I'm a monster hunter now, and I wanted to bag one of the big ones. That meant going after Masher!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': Hmmm. So you hunted down Masher... with a suit and tie?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dedede''': That's De-de-devious! ''[laughing]''
:'''Escargoon''': What are you laughing at? Knuckle Joe just made you look like a knucklehead.
:'''Dedede''': AAAAH! You two-timer! Nobody monkeys with Triple D!
:'''Knuckle Joe''': Sorry, tubby. Too late!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': I must take full responsibility, sir. It seems I fell for Joe's trick and...
:'''eNeMeE''': Forget it! Let the fools think they've beaten us. When they let their guard down, we'll teach them a lethal lesson. ''[laughs evilly]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': You were like a double agent, Joe!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': Hunting down monsters throughout the universe... Joe, your father would be proud.

== [Episode 38] Prediction Predicament - Part I ([Episode 41] メーベルの大予言! (前編)) ==
:'''King Dedede''': Eh, What Happened?
:'''Escargoon''': You were sleepwalking, that's what happened! Or should I say you were sleepwhacking!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[screams]'' Kirbeh's after me again! ''[runs away]''
:'''Kirby''': ''[runs towards King Dedede]'' Poyo!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[runs faster]'' You keep dem fangs away from me, pinkeh!
:'''Kirby''': ''[runs faster]'' Payo, yayo!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mabel''': The monster that has been haunting you is your conscience, Sire.
:'''King Dedede''': What's a conscience?
:'''Mabel''': It is the goodness that lies in the deepest part of you.
:'''Escargoon''': Oh please. The only thing lying in the deepest part of him is a fried cheese log.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Wonder what Dedede's up to?
:'''Tiff''': Based on past experience, I think it's safe to say it's something stupid.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': [about Phantom Star Gerath] Thousand years away, hmm? I don't know about our little friends, but I for one am feeling kind of impatient. What do you say we speed up the process just a little bit?
:'''Nightmare''': What a wonderful idea. ''[laughs evilly]''

== [Episode 39] Prediction Predicament - Part II ([Episode 42] メーベルの大予言! (後編)) ==
:'''Meta Knight''': Mice will always scamper away from a ship before it sinks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': Kirby... Any moment now we'll be dust in the wind. We've always been the best of buddies, huh, Kirby? Huh? Kirby? KIRBY!! Listen when I'm talkin' to ya!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': You did it! You lovable lug, you! You finally listened to your heart for once!

== [Episode 40] Sheepwrecked ([Episode 43] ヒツジたちの反逆)==
:'''Amon''': The time has come! We must defeat our oppressors. Our natural meekness has been mistaken for weakness, but from this day forward, we will not behave like simpering sheep, but like ravenous wolves. Throughout history, we have been dominated by fear. But now our oppressors will learn to fear us!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[flocks of angry sheep rampage throughout Cappy Town, eating as much food as they can find while also wrecking as many antiques as possible]''
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': I knew sheep liked grass, but who knew they liked my food?
:'''Prof. Curio''': Oh, you can't go tearing up my shop like a pack of wolves!
:'''Tuggle''': Hey, you're getting wool all over my merchandise there.
:'''Amon''': You have done well. Dream Land is now at our mercy, but we will show no mercy. We will conquer this planet, my friends... and soon, the entire universe! ''[he and the other sheep howl triumphantly in unison]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amon''': Now you Cappies are the shuddering sheep, and the wicked wolves are in charge.
:'''Cappy''': Alright, what do you want us to do?
:'''Amon''': All of you, BAA!
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Baa, Baa?
:'''Prof. Curio''': Baa, Baa...
:'''Amon''': I said, all of you! I command you! BAA!!!!!
:''[The Cappies and Waddle Dees Baa like sheep]''
:'''Amon''': Louder, or the wolves will get angry.
:''[The Cappies and Waddle Dees Baa even louder]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amon''': I command you. BAA! Or you will suffer the consequences! Those who disobey me will face the chopping block!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amon''': These cowards don't deserve their freedom.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Amon''': There must be others like me. Others who yearn for freedom. I will seek them out, and perhaps one day I will lead a new flock.

== [Episode 41] War of the Woods ([Episode 44] ウィスピーウッズの友アコル)==
:'''Whispy Woods''': ''[about Acore]'' I can't be certain. He's been around for 800 years. There are many perils at such a great age.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': TUFF! 
:'''Tuff''': Ah! Hey Tiff, what's wrong? How come you look so mad?
:'''Tiff''': You know why! You were fighting!
:'''Iro''': We were just helping this old tree.
:'''Tuff''': Yeah, Whispy Woods asked us to.
:'''Tiff''': Oh really so Whispy Woods asked you to kick out those animals?
:'''Tuff''': Well, not exactly...
:'''Tiff''': Of course not. Because those animals helped that tree by living in it!
:'''Tuff, Iro, Spikehead And Honey''': Huh!?
:'''Kirby''': Poyo?
:'''Coo''': Acore provides us with a place to stay. And in exchange, we harm those insects and enrich the soil.
:'''Tiff''': That's right. Kicking them out was a mistake!
:'''Tuff, Iro, Spikehead And Honey''': [Sadly] Aw...
:'''Tuff''': We were only trying to help...
:'''Tokkori''': Well, ya didn't. Thanks to you that tree's even worse off than before!
:'''Coo''': You helped them too, Tokkori.
:'''Tokkori''': Yeah, I forgot that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Save the tears for your golf score, Sire.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Escargoon!
:'''Escargoon''': Your majesty! Come back!
:'''King Dedede''': We've been De-De-Divided!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Please don't fall, Acore!
:'''Tokkori''': It's too much! We can't hold 'im!
:'''Tiff''': Yes we can, just push!
:'''Coo''': We can't give up!
:'''Rick''': We can't let our friend come crashin' to the ground, mates!
:''[meanwhile, King Dedede and Escargoon are watching Kirby and co.'s valiant efforts to keep Acore standing from atop a nearby cliff]''
:'''King Dedede''': Heh heh heh heh heh. Them do-gooders think we gave up!
:'''Escargoon''': They're always overestimating our common sense. ''[has the Grasshopper Eavesdropper detonate near a nearby waterfall, causing a flood in one final attempt to destroy Acore]''

== [Episode 42] Pink-Collar Blues ([Episode 47] 帰れ、愛しのワドルディ)==
:'''Escargoon''': Believe me, it'll be cheaper than your hospital bill if you have to eat my cooking.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Don't Eat It!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Escargoon! Let's play some putt-putt!
:'''Escargoon''': I don't have time to watch you cheat at miniature golf. My entire life savings are in jeopardy!
:'''King Dedede''': Whadda ya mean I cheat?
:'''Escargoon''': Oops.
:'''King Dedede''': I ain't never cheated at miniature golf!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirby''': Poooyooooo! Poyo! ''[laughs cutely]'' Poyo! Poy!

== [Episode 43] Tourist Trap ([Episode 48] プププランド観光ツアー) ==
:'''Tiff''': Kabu here is not only extremely ancient, but he's also the wisest-- ''[notices the tourists throwing coins into Kabu's insides and gasps]'' Hey, no throwing coins!
:''[the tourists continue to throw coins into Kabu anyway]''
:'''King Dedede''': Let them folks toss away. It's free money.
:''[the tourists start painting graffiti all over Kabu]''
:'''Tuff''': Tiff, look what they're doin'! ''(Tiff notices what the tourists are now doing to Kabu)'' Knock it off!
:'''Tiff''': Kabu's one of the greatest treasures in Dream Land!
:''[the tourists bicker back at her in a foreign language]''
:'''Waddle Doo''': Chill out. We do this every place we visit.
:'''Tiff''': How rude!
:'''Escargoon''': Ah, who cares? It's just a talking tiki. Let's move it!
:''[King Dedede laughing]''
:''[the tourists prepare to leave for their next destination]''
:'''Tiff''': I'm sorry, Kabu. We'll come back and clean you up.
:'''Kabu''': I could use some moisturizer too.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Waddle Doo''': ''[to the tourists, pointing to his flask of ice]'' Shibi ton pa, ha ta sai Kirby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': As far as tourism goes, Sire, here's my opinion. You might as well rename Dream Land &quot;Snoozeville&quot;!
:'''King Dedede''': Well, as far as I'm concerned, them tourists can take a hike!

== [Episode 44] A Novel Approach ([Episode 38] 読むぞい! 驚異のミリオンセラー)==
:'''King Dedede''': Somebody stole all the pictures out of this here book! It's all gobbledygook here.
:'''Escargoon''': They're words.
:''[Beat]''
:'''Escargoon''': Arghh! You rule a Kingdom and you don't even know how to read?
:''[Beat]''
:'''King Dedede''': Course I know how to read, you dummy! I learned how to before I got expelled from kindergarten!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Give me that book! I'm only up to chapter 2!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': They must be under a spell. Knock it off, King Dedede is using this game to hurt Kirby!
:'''Rowlin [Fake]''': It's too late Tiff, you can't break my spell. ''[evily laughs]''
:'''Rowlin''': You imposter! How dare you be me.
:'''Tiff''': So then you're the real author?
:'''Rowlin''': You've been hoodwinked by her. She didn't create Pappy Pottey!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rowlin''': No matter how sad we feel or how bad our circumstances, we can use our imaginations to dream something better. We should never give up on our dreams because they're what build our tomorrows!

== [Episode 45] Snack Attack - Part I ([Episode 52] 悪魔のチョコカプセル! (前編)) ==
:'''King Dedede''': I want all them candies with mini-figures in this here store!
:'''Tuggle''': Every single one of 'em?
:'''Gengu''': I don't know.
:'''King Dedede''': Perhaps this'll persuade ya. ''[laughs as he places blocks of money at Tuggle &amp; Gengu's counter to their delight]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': Hmm... So they think my mini figure will be popular. Hmm... I like that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chief Bookem''': ''(to Dedede)'' I'm sorry, Your Highness, but I gotta do my duty. Next time you wanna steal, just raise our taxes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': I felt like a zoo animal sitting in that jail cell.
:'''Escargoon''': No self-respecting zoo would take you.

== [Episode 46] Snack Attack - Part II ([Episode 53] 悪魔のチョコカプセル! (後編)) ==
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': You've got to think creatively, D. The monsters were designed to look like toys, so they could play around with their enemies.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Can't tell a crook by its blubber!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': This is perfect.
:'''Tiff''': What're you talking about?
:'''Tuff''': It's over. Kirby's gonna lose the match.
:'''Meta Knight''': In order to mature, Kirby must be pushed to his utmost limits. Only then will he learn to exceed them.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Uh oh. Kirby's gonna get pulverized.
:'''Tiff''': That wrestler's too big.
:'''Meta Knight''': Every opponent has a weakness.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': ''*laughs*'' I tried to sell you more fighting monsters, but you decided to pinch your pennies. Now you're stuck with the junk, Big D.
:'''King Dedede''': I'll never collect nothin' again!

== [Episode 47] Cartoon Buffoon ([Episode 49] アニメ新番組星のデデデ) ==
:'''King Dedede''': Do y'all know how to tell a story? Do y'all know how to draw 'til your fingers fall off? Do y'all know how to color inside the lines? Then we want YOU! ''[Laughs]'' I'm the most important person in this whole jointhouse! Heck, I'm the producer!
:'''Spikehead''': A producer? What does a producer do?
:'''Iro''': A producer doesn't do anything.
:'''Escargoon''': Hmmmm, they gotcha there, Majesty.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[the Cappies present their poorly-drawn pictures of Dedede Man]''
:'''Mayor Len''': I think I've really captured you, Sire.
:'''King Dedede''': ''[tears the drawing out of Len's hand]'' I oughtta capture you!
:'''Iro''': What do you think, Your Majesty?
:'''King Dedede''': ''[tears the drawing out of Iro's hand]'' I think it stinks!
:'''Tuggle''': Pretty good, huh?
:'''King Dedede''': ''[tears the drawing out of Tuggle's hand]'' Pretty awful!
:'''Melman''': I slimmed you down a bit.
:'''King Dedede''': ''(yells as he tears the drawing out of Melman's hand]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': All you lazy louts better be workin'!
:'''Chief Bookem''': Lazy?!
:'''Mayor Len''': With all due respect, we're working as hard as we can.
:'''King Dedede''': If you don't get crackin', I'm gonna have to give you all a whackin'!
:'''Escargoon''': ''[Grunts]'' We'd better air what we just have.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[the altered opening of King Dedede's new show starts playing''
:'''King Dedede''': ''[singing to the opening]'' Dedede! That's the name you should know! Dedede! He's the king of the show! You'll holler and hoot, he'll give Kirby the boot! Dedede's the one!
:'''Tiff''': ''[reacting to the new show's altered opening]'' Hey! Kirby's supposed to be the star!
:'''Tuff''': Yeah, now it's about Dedede.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Okay, guys. Get ready.
:'''Tuff''': Our lines are coming up.
:'''Meta Knight''': Tiff, I am nervous. I have never... acted before.
:'''Tiff''': Don't worry. You'll do great.
:'''Meta Knight''': Thank you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Hehehe I AM A SUPAHSTAR WARRIAH heh.
:'''Tiff''': &quot;Dedede Saves the Day&quot;? Hey, wait! Where'd that title come from?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': That cheat! Dedede made Kirby look like the bad guy!
:'''Tuff''': He must've switched stuff around while we weren't looking.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Good morning, Majesty.
:'''Dedede''': Well, if it ain't my faithful servant, Escargoon!
:'''Escargoon''': My, aren't you looking fit as a fiddle!
:'''Dedede''': You're downright spiffy yourself.
:'''Escargoon''': Have you seen Kirby today, Majesty?
:'''Dedede''': He don't scare me none!
:'''Tiff''': Those two changed my script so they look like heroes! ''[Growls]''
:'''Tuff''': If Dedede and Escargoon are heroes, this sure isn't a reality show.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': We're right behind you majesty. You're a hero to us all!
:'''King Dedede''': Oh come now. Little ol' me a hero? Surely you jestin'!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': Look! It is Fire Dedede, our Hero! ''[to You]'' I would never say that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Look at that charisma!
:'''Escargoon''': Majesty, we're gonna have to ad-lib this part, we never wrote the last two pages of the script!
:'''King Dedede''': Ad-lib? YOU COULDN'T TELL ME THIS BEFORE, YOU SCATTERBRAINED ''[As he hits Escargoon with his mallet]'' SLUG?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[Sigh]'' All this animation's giving me palpitation!
:'''Escargoon''': I'll never direct another cartoon.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Hey, this is great!
:'''Tiff''': It's one of those shows that's so bad it's good!

== [Episode 48] Don't Bank on It ([Episode 50] 貯めるぞい! のろいの貯金箱) ==
:'''King Dedede''': Time for me to work on my hypno-doot-dooey.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''(speaking through the Dedede Dolls)'' Dedede... You like me... Dedede... You trust me...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': Have you ever wondered how all that money got there in the first place?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Sleep tight. You gonna be in for a rude awakening.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Dedede is tired. I ain't gettin' no rest. If I can't sleep, then neither can you fools! WAKE UP! ''[starts psychically using his Dedede Dolls to pummel the residents of Cappy Town, laughing all the while, except for Tiff, who already locked up her own doll inside one of her drawers before going to sleep]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': That's one dangerous doll. Last night, it stomped me without any warning. Kick that thing out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Hey! Quit strangling me!
:'''Escargoon''': I'm only trying to prevent something terrible from happening to you, Sire!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': We're broke. We're right back where we've started, Sire.
:'''King Dedede''': I can't afford to buy no more monsters. ''[cries]'' But I still got one doll left so's I can get my revenge!
:'''Escargoon''': I dunno. Playing with dolls can be hazardous to your health.
:'''King Dedede''': That don't matter none to me so long as I get that Kirby! ''[laughs]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Now that's embarrassing.
:'''Escargoon''': Honey, you don't know the meaning of embarrassing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': Turn into Doll Kirby!
:''[Kirby jumps up in an attempt to transform and gain the ability of the Dedede Doll he just inhaled, but falls back down, unable to gain any ability]''
:'''Tokkori''': Figures. Guess you don't have enough brains to be a doll.

== [Episode 49] Kirby Takes the Cake ([Episode 51] センチメンタル・カービィ) ==
:'''Tuff''': Hah! This is fun. I bet Kirby doesn't know a thing about his surprise party.
:'''Tiff''': Probably. He hardly knows anything.
:'''Tuff, Spikehead, Iro, &amp; Honey''': That's true.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Len''': Kirby, I didn't see you there! This is no place for you, I'm afraid.
:'''Prof. Curio''': That's right. We're busy, so, uh... Run along.
:'''Mayor Len''': Shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo. ''[Kirby begins to leave]'' Bye bye, Kirby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chief Bookem''': Oh! Sorry, Kirby. Lots to do today. Gotta apprehend a couple of donuts!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': That there's a weapon of mass Dedede-struction.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': You saw it! This whole town's revoltin'!
:'''Escargoon''': You said it!
:'''King Dedede''': They lookin' to dispossess me and tarnish the reputation of the Dedede Dynasty! Them ungrateful ingrates!
:'''Escargoon''': After all you've done to them!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[growls]'' I'll stamp out them double-crossers! How can them Cappies Dedede-throne ME?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': I saw this coming. After all, a ruler like you is loud, mean, nasty, sneaky, self-centered...''[King Dedede angrily flattens him, weakly]''...did I mention violent...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Hey there, Triple D. What up?
:'''King Dedede''': I'll tell you what's up. I need you to send me your most powerful monster!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Our most powerful monster? Sounds urgent.
:'''King Dedede''': You bet it's urgent! I'm about to become the victim of a Cappy-comb!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': I think I've got one for you, but I should warn ya. He's a bit of a slippery character.
:'''King Dedede''': Whadda ya mean?
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': You see, he has trouble distinguishing between friend and foe. Poor little fella gets confused sometimes. I'd wanna handle this one with care, Big D!
:'''King Dedede''': You send it over and we'll handle it real good!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': What's that? Nobody wants to play with ya? ''[bursts out laughing about what Kirby told him]'' Nobody wants to play with ya, 'cause nobody likes ya!
:'''Kirby''': ''[shocked by what Tokkori just said to him]'' POYO?!
:'''Tokkori''': Ever since you got here, you've been a pink pain in the neck. As usual, I'm the only one around here with the guts to tell you the truth! Everybody says that Kirby is nothin' but trouble. If I was you, I'd fly the coop cause you ain't welcome here, Sonny! ''[Kirby starts packing up]'' With you outta the way, things would finally get back to normal, and I could take over this cottage permanent. Booooy, wouldn't that be the day? ''[notices that Kirby's gone]'' Huh? Kirby? Where'd that boy go?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kabu''': Wait! Do not go. You are troubled, my friend, and your heart is full of sorrow. One year has passed since you came to Dream Land.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': Ah! There ya are! Hey, next time you run away, tell me where you're goin', would ya? I've been lookin' high and low for ya. Yer girlfriend's plenty steamed at me cause a' you. Come on! Get movin'! Everybody in Cappy Town's goin' crazy worryin', so come on back home!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': A whole year has passed. How quickly time flies.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': I'm sorry, Kirby. We didn't play with you because we didn't want to ruin the surprise for you. We wouldn't want to hurt you for anything, Kirby.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': They really outdid themselves there. I've heard of pretty girls poppin' outta cakes, but this is even better!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': That's new.
:'''Tuff''': What mode is that, Meta Knight?
:'''Meta Knight''': He is now Bomb Kirby.
:'''Tiff &amp; Tuff''': Bomb Kirby?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': You have indeed grown in many ways this year. I cannot wait to see what changes next year brings.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Happy first anniversary, Kirby. We're all very happy that you came to Dream Land. Kirby, we love you.

== [Episode 50] Air-Ride-in-Style - Part I ([Episode 96] ワープスターの危機! (前編)) ==
:'''King Dedede''': I've been real patient with you, but I want me a monster that can whup Kirby now!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': I understand your disappointment, Big D, but I've been sending you top-of-the-line monsters all along.
:'''King Dedede''': Well the bottom line is, them lamos was losers!
:'''Escargoon''': That's right! His majesty may be a big fat meathead, but how many half-baked freakazoids are you gonna send me?!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[bops Escargoon]'' I'll do the complaining here.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Maybe you've been going about stopping Kirby the wrong way. Have you ever thought about-
:'''King Dedede''': I ain't interested in thinking! I know everything there is to know about catching Kirby already.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': I was only going to remind your fly-ness about Kirby's secret weapon.
:'''King Dedede''': Say what?
:'''Escargoon''': Secret weapon?
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': ''[laughs]'' I'm referring of course to Kirby's shining star; the Warp Star.
:'''King Dedede''': The Warp Star?
:'''Escargoon''': That's what that Tiff always calls out.
:'''King Dedede''': Yeah. The big ol' thing comes flying to rescue Kirby.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': ''[laughs again]'' See what a little thing he can do... ''[Dedede pelts his monitor with an egg, surprising him]''
:'''King Dedede''': Just kill the dip-strip and get to the point.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': As I was about to say, Sire, if Kirby didn't have the Warp Star to come to his rescue, Kirby would be easy to get rid of.
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, that's it! If we can stop the Warp Star, we can stop Kirby! Hah!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sir Ebrum''': Good day, Your Majesty.
:'''Lady Like''': You most certainly startled us.
:'''Tiff''': You better not be here for Kirby.
:'''Escargoon''': ''[laughs]'' We're not here for the little pod.
:'''King Dedede''': We here for the big mouth!
:'''Tiff''': Huh? ''[The limousine use a grab nabber to nab her]''
:'''Tuff''': You can't do that!
:'''Lady Like''': Tiff, no!
:''[Dedede and Escargoon stuff Tiff into their limo and drive away with her, they laughing]''
:'''Tuff''': ''[chases Dedede's limousine alongside Kirby, Fololo &amp; Falala]'' COME BACK!
:'''Fololo''': HEY!
:'''Tuff''': '''YOU DIRTY CROOK!!!'''
:'''Sir Ebrum''': How dare he! That blaggard has kidnapped our daughter!
:'''Lady Like''': We have to get her back somehow!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[At the dungeon]''
:'''King Dedede''': Lookie here, girly. you can have yourself all of these sweety cakes and creamy puffs confidence and yo kingly ol' friend Dedede.
:'''Escargoon''': That's right, I'll you gotta do is cooperate. Here, have a cupcake.
:'''Tiff''': I wouldn't touch your cruddy cupcake. Now you better untie me and let me go right now. RIGHT NOW!
:'''Escargoon''': Oh, we'll let you go soon enough.
:'''King Dedede''': Just say the magic words!
:'''Tiff''': What magic words?
:'''Escargoon''': the one you say it whenever that pesky pinky in the pickle.
:'''Both''': Kabu.
:'''King Dedede''': Warp Star!
:''[Both laughing]''
:'''King Dedede''': Now all you gotta do is say it. And if you don't say it, we gonna keep you tied up not too tight till you do, got it?
:'''Tiff''': Hmph.
:'''Escargoon''': Yeah! Tell us where he's hidin' that Warp Star!
:'''Tiff''': I'm not gotta tell you and you two anything.
:'''Tuff''': ''[offscreen]'' Hey, Tiff!
:'''All''': Huh?
:'''Tuff''': Let's go!
:'''Tiff''': What are you doing here?
:'''Escargoon''': Look, it's the little brother to the rescue. Ain't that nauseating?
:'''King Dedede''': Get lost. We trying to find out where Kirby's Warp Star's at.
:'''Tuff''': Uh...that's easy. The Warp Star's inside Kabu.
:'''Kirby''': Poyo.
:''[Dedede, Escargoon, and Tiff all react in shock and Tuff, having realized what he just said, covers his mouth, and then Dedede and Escargoon burst out laughing and then run off to Kabu]''
:'''Tuff''': ''[untying Tiff]'' Sorry. It just slipped out.
:'''Tiff''': Some secret keeper. ''[sighs]''
:'''Tuff''': Hurry!
:'''Tiff''': Luckily, we don't have to hurry.
:''[Kirby starts eating the food Dedede and Escargoon had out on the table while interrogating Tiff]''
:'''Tuff''': But what if they find it somehow?
:'''Tiff''': Even if Dedede and Escargoon found the Warp Star, it wouldn't do them any good.
:'''Tuff''': Huh?
:'''Tiff''': Because they don't understand the power of the Warp Star like I do.
:''[Tiff flashes back to the events of Dark and Stormy Knight, where she revealed to Meta Knight that she brought the Warp Star to Kabu to keep it safe and secret, and called upon it to aid Kirby during his fight against Kracko]''
:'''Tuff''': I remember all that, too. But I wanna know where you got the idea to hide the Warp Star inside Kabu.
:'''Tiff''': Well that was easy. I remember the first time I saw it.
:''[Tiff flashes back to when she and Prof. Curio first discovered the Warp Star's pedestal inside Kabu]''
:'''Prof. Curio''': Look! I've never seen that.
:'''Tiff''': ''[narrating]'' It was like it was made for the Warp Star. It had to stay with Kabu.
:''[flashback ends]''
:'''Tuff''': It sure is weird. ''(about the Warp Star's pedestal)'' But the Warp Star fits inside it so perfect, especially since Kabu's been around for millions of years.
:'''Tiff''': Of course it's weird. Everything about Kabu is weird.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Alright Kabu, I'm gonna ask ya one last time. Now is you or is you ain't hiding Kirby's Warp Star? ''(Kabu doesn't respond)''
:'''Escargoon''': Alright, Mr. Frozen Face, now you're gonna get it!
:'''Waddle Doo''': Attack! ''[the Waddle Dees throw their spears at Kabu, but they simply bounce off him without any effect on him]''
:'''King Dedede''': Escargoon! I want that freaky tiki in jail!
:'''Escargoon''': In jail?
:'''King Dedede''': Waddle Doo! Throw Kabu in the dungeon, you hear?
:'''Waddle Doo''': Dungeon?! But Your Majesty, I don't have the Waddle Dee power. Kabu's too big to move!
:'''King Dedede''': What?
:'''Escargoon''': Believe it or not, he's heavier than you are.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[to Meta Knight]'' You're not in charge of the Warp Star. I am.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[laughing]'' The Wimp Star's high-tailin' it home to Kabu.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Home to Kabu? What do you mean?
:'''Escargoon''': Kabu's been hiding the Warp Star. Get with the program, pal!
:'''King Dedede''': Them pals thought they was pretty clever.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': This isn't good, D. Better cancel that Kirby farewell party. I'm afraid that Warp Star's gonna be back in tip top shape in no time.
:'''King Dedede and Escargoon''': ''[In horrorified]'' Huh?
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Kabu's sort of a hospital for Warp Stars and wounded Star Warriors... Like a big recovery room.
:'''King Dedede &amp; Escargoon''': '''''RECOVERY?!?!?!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Kabu, what are we gonna do? The Warp Star's damaged.
:'''Kabu''': The Warp Star will need time to recover.
:'''Kirby''': ''[sadly]'' Po-poyo, po...
:'''Tiff''': Kirby, Kabu says the Warp Star's tired right now. The only thing we can do is wait for the Warp Star to get better again.
:'''Kirby''': Poyo...

== [Episode 51] Air-Ride-in-Style - Part II ([Episode 97] ワープスターの危機! (後編))==
:'''Escargoon''': ''[after watching the Formula Star Rider's defeat]'' I'd say that guy's a formula for disaster.
:'''King Dedede''': I ain't worried none. We still got three more left here. ''[laughing]'' Kirby just got lucky that time, that's all.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, what's he slurpin' up all that water for?
:'''Escargoon''': Maybe he ate somethin' salty.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kirby has defeated the Rocket Star Air Rider]''
:'''Tuff''': Yeah!
:'''Tiff''': They might be faster, but Kirby's way smarter.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[after having watched the Winged Star Rider's defeat and angrily growls]'' These Air Riders is a bust. Whatcha givin' me?
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Hold on there, gents. After all, the show's not over yet, is it?
:'''Escargoon''': No, but it better have an unhappy ending.
:'''King Dedede''': This last one better do the trick or you in trouble here!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': You'll see that Shadow Star's the grand finale.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[about the Winged Star]'' Wow, Kirby really knows how to fly that thing!
:'''Meta Knight''': A Star Warrior can fly anything.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': How'd we get inside Kabu? What happened?
:'''Tuff''': Don't you remember? You and Kirby were flying on the Warp Star and you fell off.
:''[Tiff remembers when a blast from a Destraya chipped off a piece of Kirby's Warp Star and knocked both of them off]''
:'''Tuff''': We were kind of worried. You and Kirby have been knocked out ever since.
:'''Tiff''': But what about the flying fighters that were after Kirby?
:'''Tuff''': What flying fighters?
:'''Tiff''': What do you mean what flying fighters?
:'''Tuff''': There weren't any fighters. We've all been inside waiting for you guys to wake up.
:'''Meta Knight''': Tiff, did you really see them?
:'''Tiff''': I'm telling you, I saw them, Meta Knight. You don't think I'd lie, do you?
:'''Kirby''': Poyo.
:'''Kabu''': No, Tiff. It was all a dream. A dream that only you and Kirby dreamt.
:'''Tiff''': I don't understand.
:'''Kabu''': Tiff, I sent you and Kirby that dream. I have learned from others like me that eNeMeE has been stealing Air Ride Machines throughout the universe.
:'''Tiff''': But I still don't understand why you would send that dream to Kirby and me.
:'''Kabu''': Kirby must learn to fly not just Warp Stars, but other battle vehicles as well.
:'''Tiff''': Well you should be proud of him. Kirby flew those things like a pro.
:'''Kirby''': Poyo!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Well, it seems Kirby and his Warp Star aren't invincible after all.
:'''Nightmare''': It's only a matter of time before the Warp Star will be ours for the taking. ''[laughs evilly]''

== [Episode 52] Scare Tactics - Part I ([Episode 45] 真夏の夜のユーレイ! (前編))==
:'''Tiff''': ''[to Kirby]'' It must be real hard to play soccer when you're always mistaken for the ball.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Len Blustergas''': ''[laughs heartily]'' How's that? You saw an actual ghost?
:'''Chief Bookem''': From the scream she let out, I'd have to say you're right, Mayor.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuggle''': What good's being a kid if you don't have nightmares once in a while?

== [Episode 53] Scare Tactics - Part II ([Episode 46] 真夏の夜のユーレイ! (後編))==
:'''Meta Knight''': I sense a dangerous force at work here. It must be eNeMeE.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Uh-oh. Escargoon? Yo! You okay? I done mistook you for a ghost!
:'''Escargoon''': ...How many ghosts take showers?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': I was about to rid your kingdom of Kirby once and for all, and you two nearly spoiled it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': This little bonehead's a real shocker!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirby''': Zzzzzzzzz....

== [Episode 54] One Crazy Knight ([Episode 54] やりすぎの騎士! キハーノ)==
:'''Sir Gallant''': Greetings, peasants! I am Sir Gallant, and I have been greatly moved by your plight and by the courage that you have shown in the face of such monstrous enslavement. But fear not. The end of your oppression is at hand!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sir Gallant''': ''[to Windwhipper]'' So, we meet again. You bested me last time, but this time I will prevail!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mabel''': It is up to you to fight for justice everywhere.

== [Episode 55] Sweet &amp; Sour Puss ([Episode 55] ある愛のデデデ)==
:''[In the morning, at the Castle]''
:'''Escargoon''': Dedede's a rotten boss to work for. That I can't deny. He yells and screams and criticizes, no matter how I try. I deserve a raise, but the king refuses. All I ever get are bumps and bruises! He's a grouch. He's a grump. But I stay. Maybe I'll be king one day.
:''[King Dedede suddenly looms over Escargoon, but something about the former seems different; he's acting much nicer and more patient than normal]''
:'''King Dedede''': So, I'm a grouch and a grump and a rotten boss, huh?
:'''Escargoon''': ''[Blushes, nervously]'' I wasn't talking about you. It was a different tyrant.
:'''King Dedede''': That's okay.
:'''Escargoon''': Ah! ''[Exclaims]'' Look out! ''[He accidentally dumps the roses with a vase on King Dedede and whimpering. Dedede pull the vase off his head, Escargoon dreaming about to get clobbered by Dedede]'' Please don't clobber me.
:'''King Dedede''': ''[Chuckles]'' I sure won't.
:'''Escargoon''': Huh? You mean you're not gonna mash me with your mallet?
:'''King Dedede''': No, I forgive you.
:'''Escargoon''': Huh? You do? I wonder if I still dreaming. ''[thuds and Dedede walks away]'' He's acting like he traded personalities with a teddy bear. Must be a ruse to get my guard down. ''[Dedede returns with a mop]'' I knew it! ''[Dedede cleans up the mess on the floor with the mop]'' Huh? ''[Dedede still cleaning]'' You can't trick me by pretending that you're not angry. I know you're planning to mop the floor with me.
:'''King Dedede''': I ain't angry with you.
:'''Escargoon''': Please don't torture me this way!!
:'''King Dedede''': Let's let bygones be bygones!
:'''Escargoon''': It's hard to believe but, maybe he means it. ''[exclaims in happily]'' Sire!
:'''King Dedede''': Escargoon.
:'''Escargoon''': ''[He grabs the mop from Dedede]'' There's no way I'm falling for that gag. You fooled me too many times. ''[He pushes Dedede causing him to accidentally step on a rose thorn and then cause the vase to crash onto his head]'' Oh boy! I'm in for in now!
:'''King Dedede''': Why'd you push me?
:'''Escargoon''': ''[Whimpers]'' I'm sorry!
:'''King Dedede''': That's okay.
:'''Escargoon''': ''[screams in shocked and Dedede luaghs]'' That's it! I give you! Sire, please stop acting like you don't want to get even with me? ''[cries]''
:'''King Dedede''': I just want us to be friends.
:'''Escargoon''': ''[screams in horrified]'' OH NO!!! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!!! ''[laughs in horrified]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': That Dr. Yabui is full of hooey!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Why can't we all just be friends?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': This hallway needs a traffic light.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Isn't anybody normal around here?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[Togeira, inside his head, has just stored enough of his anger and now unleashes it into an explosive flaming rage from within him, causing him to let loose a rage-filled roar to everyone's horror while causing Escargoon whimpering at the same time]'' &lt;big&gt;'''Now it's payback time!'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Tuff''': No more Mr. Nice Guy.
:'''Kirby''': Poyo! Po, poy!
:'''Tiff''': He's back to his old self.
:'''Meta Knight''': No, the monster is still controlling him.
:'''King Dedede''': &lt;big&gt;'''Alright Escargoon, who's been beating on me!?'''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': ''[yells in panic, then laughs nervously and afterwards throws Dedede's hammer to Kirby]'' Uh, Kirby!
:'''Kirby''': Poy! ''[Dedede grabs his hammer back from him]'' Po, poyo? Po...
:'''King Dedede''': &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''WELL NOW I'M GONNA POUND YOU 'TIL YOU'RE FLAT AS A FLAPPYJACK!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Whoa, that monster's super mad!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kirby and friends laugh at each other]''
:'''Kirby''': Poyo, poyo! Poyo, poyo!

== [Episode 56] Dedede's Pet Threat ([Episode 56] わがままペットスカーフィ) ==
:'''King Dedede''': Aww... Ain't my new Scarfy-poos sweet, Escargoonie-goon?
:'''Escargoon''': Yeah, I suppose they're kind of sweet. The kind of sweet that makes you barf.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': What's the matter? Ain't I tasty enough?

== [Episode 57] A Half-Baked Battle ([Episode 57 パイを笑う者はパイに泣くぞい!) ==
:'''Kirby''': Hahahahahahaha! ''[laughs at King Dedede]''
:'''Tokkori''': HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!!
:'''Escargoon''': Get a load of that!
:'''Buttercup &amp; Chief Bookem''': HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
:'''Escargoon''': Let's show an instant replay! ''[laughs]''
:'''Prof. Curio''': HOHOHOHAHAHA!!!!!
:'''Escargoon''': Here it is from another angle! ''[laughs]''
:'''Tuggle &amp; Gus''': HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
:'''Escargoon''': ''[Laughs even harder]''
:'''Chef Kawasaki, Gengu &amp; 2 Other Cappies''': HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
:'''Escargoon''': I gotta see this again! Roll it in slow-mo this time! ''[A slow-mo of King Dedede getting hit by the pie is shown on TV, laughs]''
:'''Iro &amp; His Parents''': HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dedede''': I'm through with that chef show! I want some good grub and all I get is a pie in the eye!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dedede''': ''[overhears Tiff's family laughing at him getting hit with a pie]'' Hey, what's so funny? ''[the family stops laughing for a few seconds, and then starts laughing again]''
:'''Sir Ebrum''': You're quite the comedian, your majesty!
:'''Tiff''': A cream pie in the face... now that's a classic! ''[She and Sir Ebrum start laughing again while Dedede growls angrily]''
:'''Escargoon''': Slowing down the tape for a moment, we clearly see the stunned expression on the king's face as he is unexpectedly pie-pummeled. ''[laughs at the repeats twice]''
:'''Lady Like''': You also made my family scream many times in the past, your majesty. But now it's screaming with laughter!
:'''Tuff''': It's funnier every time they show it! ''[Dedede growls again before running out of the living room]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dedede''': I'm replacing it with a brand new show. It's one of them reality programs... called Pie Justice!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Dedede! Pie throwing isn't just a waste of time. It's also a waste of food! You should be ashamed of yourself.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Here's a little get well present for ya, D-Man! We heard you had a serious case of pie-arrhea!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Now listen up! His Highness is declaring a new law!
:'''King Dedede''': From now on, anybody in this here kingdom who says the word &quot;poyo&quot; is gonna be found guilty of treason!
:'''Kirby''': Poyo?
:'''King Dedede''': AH! Y'all heard that trash-talkin' traitor!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Why don't you suck it up!? ''[tastes the custard]'' &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''UUUUUGGGHHH!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Bellybuster must make his pies in a barber shop. They taste like shaving cream, except worse.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Kirby, suck it up!
:'''Kirby''': ''[covers his mouth and shakes his head no]''
:'''Tiff''': ''[gasps]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Not even Kirby could eat anything that bad.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Somebody cooks worse than me! ''[laughs heartily]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': I feel... dirty. ''[Sigh]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': Here comes the custard!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': What's happening?!
:'''Meta Knight''': Bellybuster has swallowed them and they will now be... digested.
:'''Tiff''': &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''NO!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

== [Episode 58] eNeMeE Elementary ([Episode 58] 魔獣教師でお仕置きよ!)==
:'''Tuff''': ''[Singing]'' When old King Dedede came to town, he got off his throne and his pants fell down.
:'''Spikehead''': ''[Singing]'' He thinks he's a king, but he's really a clown.
:'''Honey''': ''[Singing]'' When Dedede came to town!
:'''Tuff, Iro, Spikehead &amp; Honey''': ''[Singing]'' When old King Dedede starts to roar, he never heard anything like it before.
:'''Kirby''': Poyo, Poyo!
:'''Tuff, Iro, Spikehead &amp; Honey''': ''[Singing]'' Unless of course, you heard him snore, then Dedede starts to roar! ''[Laughing]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escagoon''': ''[Laughing]'' That's you, sire.
:'''King Dedede''': They're making a monkey out of me!
:'''Escargoon''': Oh, you've got to admit, it is pretty funny, sire. ''(laughing again)'' Huh? ''(sees his own drawing)'' I'll sue those little punks!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': How come we have to wear these goofy-looking robes?
:'''King Dedede''': 'Cause I'm the one selling them, that's why!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Must be the spirit of creativitude taking over!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[being possessed by the demon hat]'' Listen up you rowdy bunch of hooligans! ''[To Kirby]'' If you think you can get away with that kind of behavior in my class, [[w:You've Got Another Thing Comin'|You've Got Another Thing Comin'!]]

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[Cries]'' Them ruffians ain't never gonna learn no manners! ''[Cries Again]''

== [Episode 59] The Meal Moocher ([Episode 59] 最強番組, 直撃! 晩ごはん) ==
:'''King Dedede''': ''[He starts to shake and hold the menu in the air, everyone backs away as he tears the menu in half]'' I WANT NEW FOOD AND I WANT IT NOW!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hana''': ''[to Kirby]'' You came just in time! I'm about to serve dinner. Would you like to come join us?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Just look at 'im! That pink pan-handler hustled three dinners out of those Cappies in one night!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sir Ebrum''': ''[about the idea of winning money through a meal]'' That's interesting.
:'''Lady Like''': It would be nice to win that money.
:'''Sir Ebrum''': Oh dear, we're above that sort of thing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[laughing]'' Just remember, I like king-sized portions!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Buttercup''': Oh, we'll begin with the miso soup! It's from an old Japanese recipe I found. The second course will be sushi! There are twelve different varieties! We also have a medley of spring vegetables - many from outside Dream Land - all steamed to perfection and sprinkled with the special egg soy sauce! Next, comes a new dish I just invented: turkey tempura! There's also a special treat: broiled eel and onions! Those are just the appetizers! Now, for the main course!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': ''[thinking]'' This is trouble. I gotta stop the king from giving them a five-star rating, or our bank accounts is going belly-up!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Buttercup''': My crab has been sabotaged! I demand to see an instant replay just before the main course!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[he grabs Escargoon's goatee]'' '''HEY!''' What's the idea torchin' my tongue!?
:'''Escargoon''': Sorry, Sire. But I had to act quick cause you can't afford to pay out any more prize money!
:'''King Dedede''': Let's see how you like you red pepper, You double-dealin' spice sneakin' slug, here!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': I done decided that I don't feel like dinin' on crab no more. 'Specially when it's bigger than me. But you can go on ahead and eat it yourself if you want to.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Not even Kirby gets hungry enough to gobble up a giant monster for dinner. ''[laughs with everybody until Kirby gets ready to inhale the crab he just cooked, much to their shock]'' Kirby! &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''NOOO!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

== [Episode 60] Crusade for the Blade ([Episode 60] 宝剣ギャラクシア!) ==
:'''King Dedede''': ''[yawns]'' I ain't seen no flyin' saucers here. I just wanna go back to bed!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sirica''': 	Meta Knight!
:''[Meta Knight looks up to see Sirica on a level higher than the one he's standing on]''
:'''Sirica''': It's been a very long time.
:'''Meta Knight''': You speak as though we have met. Have we?
:'''Sirica''': So you don't remember? My mother was the Star Warrior Garlude!
:''[Meta Knight gasps in realization that Sirica is Garlude's daughter, just before Sirica starts opening fire on him and his knights with her machine gun]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Who are you?
:'''Sirica''': My name is Sirica.
:'''Tiff''': Why are you after Meta Knight?
:'''Sirica''': He has something that is very precious to me. His sword: Galaxia.
:'''Tiff''': Galaxia?
:'''Tuff''': You mean Meta Knight's sword has a name?
:'''Kirby''': Poyo?
:'''Tiff''': This is ridiculous! Meta Knight's a great Star Warrior, not a thief like you.
:'''Sirica''': Hmph. Meta Knight inspires great loyalty, for someone so heartless.
:''[Kirby and the kids gasp at what Sirica just said]''
:'''Tuff''': What do you mean?!
:'''Sirica''': Your friend Meta Knight was an enemy of my mother. ''[begins flashback, in her mind]'' It was many many, years ago. My mother Garlude was considered the greatest of all Star Warriors. She and Meta Knight had been chosen among many noble warriors to reclaim the sacred sword, Galaxia, which had been stolen by the evil beast: Kirisakin. They began to battle the great monster. Both were brave and fought valiantly, but in the end, the beast proved too strong for Garlude. Just as she was reclaiming the sword, she was overpowered! Meta Knight stood and watched as my mother lost the battle. He stole the sword and fled, leaving my mother to perish... alone. ''[ends flashback]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': She's a little girl with a big ol' gun and a whole lot of attitude!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Very interesting. Well, if this space girl's as tough as you say she is, then I better send over the &quot;big guy&quot;. ''[sends Kirisakin to King Dedede and Escargoon as it roars and clashes its two scythes over its head]''
:'''King Dedede''': Now that's a monster!	
:'''Escargoon''': Ugh... I think I'm gonna faint.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sirica''': That sword is mine! Now you will pay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sirica''': ''[having heard a familiar lion-esque roar and seen Kirisakin making its way to Kabu]'' This can't be... it's Kirisakin, the great monster.
:'''Meta Knight''': Kirisakin is here to reclaim the Galaxia sword. We must stop it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Galaxia''': ''[after Sirica tries to pry it from the ground a second time]'' My name is Galaxia. Only the most powerful of knights may wield my ancient magic. Meta Knight is the chosen one. Your mother Garlude knew well this truth. ''[begins flashback to how Garlude sacrificed herself to deliver Galaxia to Meta Knight]'' In sacrificing her life, Garlude made the ultimate sacrifice.
:''[Garlude manages to pry Galaxia from its pedestal and throws it to Meta Knight before Kirisakin delivers the killing blow to her from behind. Meta Knight claims Galaxia and leaps at Kirisakin to fight it. End flashback]''
:'''Sirica''': If my mother gave my life for this, I shall too.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sirica''': Galaxia... Now I know what a great Star Warrior my mother was to the very end.
:'''Meta Knight''': Sirica. Your mother would have been so proud.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Wow, Meta Knight! She was a great warrior.

== [Episode 61] Fitness Fiend ([Episode 61] 肥惨! スナックジャンキー)==
:'''King Dedede''': ''[Surrounded by potato chip bags]'' Y'know, there's jus' somthin' about sittin' in front o' the TV all day long that gives me the nibblies!
:'''Escargoon''': Just look at this mess! Where do you expect me to put all these soggy sacks?
:'''King Dedede''': This looks like a good place! ''[Shoves an empty bag onto Escargoon's head]''
:'''Escargoon''': You know, you're a real couch potato. You're as big as a couch and you're full of potatoes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': He has fallen, and cannot get up!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Hey, what up, D?
:'''King Dedede''': Zip yer layer!
:'''Escargoon''': Your chips made his majesty a travesty!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': It's not our fault he can't control his appetite! We made those snacks to fatten up Kirby, not you, sire.
:'''King Dedede''': Why'd ya have to go and make 'em so delicious?! Nobody can resist those things! THEY'S TOO DANG TASTY!!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Max Flexer''': Treadmills are a lot of fun. You'll survive 'em if you run! Get it going really fast, or this race will be your last!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': If fit is in, I'm out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[after Kirby has transformed into Mike Kirby]'' Oh no! I forgot how terrible Microphone Kirby's singing is!

== [Episode 62] Mabel Turns the Tables ([Episode 62] たかが占いされど占い) ==
:'''Mayor Len Blustergas''': ''[about Curio's fortune]'' He must have picked the stone! NO!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': I know what you're doing. Samo, you should be ashamed of yourself!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lady Like''': My husband's prime minister!
:'''Escargoon''': Your husband's unemployed, [[w:Blondie (band)|Blondie]]!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': I suppose the royal golf course is a bust?
:'''Mabel''': You said it, not I.

== [Episode 63] Something to Sneeze At ([Episode 63] 師走のカゼはつらいぞい!)==
:'''Escargoon''': Ah...ah...ah...ah...AH-CHOO!!!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[grunts]'' You sprayed me! Now what was that for!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': HEY, YOU, META KNIGHT! Whadda' you know about all the sneezin' and wheezin' that's goin' round' here?
:'''Meta Knight''': ''[Coughs and Runs off]''
:'''King Dedede''': Even Meta Knight got a cold!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirby''': Ahh..ahh.ahhhh.... CHOO!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': I turned myself into an ice cube and I still ain't sick. What am I doing wrong!?
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Maybe you're too warm-hearted.

== [Episode 64] The Kirby Quiz ([Episode 64] 新春! カービィ・クイズショー )==
:'''King Dedede''': Here it is! A spankin' new year. Who knows? Maybe this year, I'll turn over a new leaf and treat folks more nice-like.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Greetings, and Happy New Year from all your friends at Nightmare Enterprises! I'll be hosting tonight's Kirby Quiz and I just know we're going to have a rockin' good time!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Honey''': I think it was Stone Kirby.
:'''Mabel''': I think you are right. ''[presses button]''
:'''Tokkori''': What's the answer?
:'''Tuff''': It was Fire Kirby. ''[presses button]''
:'''Samo''': I don't recall.
:'''Kawasaki''': I'll take a wild guess. ''[presses button, answering &quot;Needle&quot;]''
:'''Tiff''': That's easy. It was Fire Kirby, remember?
:'''Kirby''': ''[pressing button]'' Fire!
:'''Escargoon''': It was Fire Kirby for sure.
:'''King Dedede''': Haha! Stone Kirby! ''[presses button]''
:''[Escargoon gasps]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': This tough cookie fought against Kirby only to become a great hero. What was his name?
:'''Mabel and Honey''': Knuckle Joe! ''[presses button]''
:'''Samo and Kawasaki''': Knuckle Joe! ''[presses button]''
:'''Tiff and Kirby''': Knuckle Joe! ''[presses button]''
:'''Tuff and Tokkori''': Knuckle Joe! ''[presses button]''
:'''Escargoon''': Knuckle Joe!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[presses button]'' DEDEDE!
:''[Audience breaks out laughing]''
:'''Escargoon''': I had the right answer!
:'''King Dedede''': Guess my hands must have slipped or something.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff and Tokkori''': Spin Kick! ''[Tokkori presses button]''
:'''King Dedede and Escargoon''': Who cares, anyway?
:''[The entire audience breaks out laughing]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Well, it's starting to look like a Happy New Year already.

== [Episode 65] Masher 2.0 ([Episode 65] 逃げてきたナックルジョー) ==
:'''Lady Like''': ''[sees Tuff's soccer ball]'' Tuff, you know better. Take this ball outside.
:'''Tuff''': ''[about the outside storm]'' Out there? ''[cue booming thunder sounds, startling Kirby and the kids]''
:'''Sir Ebrum''': The weather's taken a nasty turn.
:'''Tiff''': I've never seen lightning this bad.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Knuckle Joe''': I ain't sure how, but Masher's been rebuilt. And now it's out for revenge.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Knuckle Joe''': ''[to Masher 2.0]'' You're a lot stronger than me, that's for sure. But you've sure got a bucket of bolts for a brain! ''[Masher approaches]'' Get ready to rock! ''[punches the rock he's standing on, causing it to shatter]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': ''[to King Dedede]'' Socked by a soccer ball. Your first sports injury!

== [Episode 66] The Chill Factor ([Episode 66] さまよえるペンギー) ==
:'''Pengy''': It is the Pengys' fate to wander far and wide. We are very weary but happy to have stumbled upon your chilly village. We would like to rest here for a while if you will have us.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kirby and the kids have found a giant air conditioner that's been spewing cold air into the sky, discovering the source of the second wave of Winter weather in Dream Land]''
:'''Tuff''': Hey Tiff, what is that thing?
:'''Kirby''': Poyo?
:'''Tiff''': Now it all makes sense.
:'''Tuff &amp; Kirby''': Huh?
:'''Tiff''': The Pengy tribe brought this here on purpose, and it's so powerful that it turned our summer into winter.
:'''Tuff''': Yeah, but why?
:'''Kirby''': Poyo...
:''[suddenly, the trio hears a familiar voice. It's Pengy]''
:'''Pengy''': So, it looks as though our young friends have discovered our secret. ''[laughs as the trio turns around to see him and his guards ambush them and surround them with their spears]''
:'''Tiff''': Pengy!
:'''Tuff''': ''[gasps in horror]''
:'''Kirby''': Poyo!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pengy''': Your reign is through, King Dede-dumb!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pengy''': More ice. How thoughtful of you, Kirby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirby''': ''[Singing]'' Payao puh poyo pay ya pa poyo poyo payo pay, poyo!

== [Episode 67] The School Scam ([Episode 67] 魔獣教師2) ==
:'''Kirk''': I sure hope our new school's built better than this dump!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Smirk''': There ain't no one to stop us, so we can teach all we want!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirk''': ''[as Tiff enters the classroom]'' What are you doing here?
:'''Dirk''': You got expelled from school.
:'''Smirk''': And we did the expellin'.
:'''Tiff''': I'm taking charge here and you're taking a hike. ''[Kirby, Tuff, and the Cappy kids are surprised]''
:'''Dirk''': You don't count so good for a math teacher.
:'''Kirk''': It's three against one!
:'''Tiff''': True... But I've got one brain and you three bullies haven't gotten any.
:'''Smirk''': Then let's have a toughness test!
:'''Tiff''': That's fine with me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%/&gt;
:'''Smirk''': You ain't such a bad brawler for a teacher. Too bad I gotta clobber ya.
:'''Tiff''': I hope you like to travel, because I'm gonna send you packing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': YAY!!!
:'''Tokkori''': HOORAY!!!
:'''Kirby''': POYO!!!
:'''Kirby, Tuff, and the Cappy kids''': ''[cheering]''
:'''Tiff''': No!
:''[Kirby, Tuff, and the Cappy kids gasp]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Maybe... but teachers are supposed to solve problems with their heads, not their hands. I wish I could figure out a way to reach even those three guys. To help them see learning's really interesting. When you goof off in school, you could be missing something really great and never even realize it. The most important job of the teacher is to help your students want to learn. It's really sad when you don't succeed. There are so many great things to discover in this world. School gives you the tools that can help you learn. But the most important tool of all is the curiosity inside us. Promise me that you guys will never give up trying to learn new things. Promise! That's... all, I guess.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''MT2''': Here we come, Kirby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Aaah! School's out!
:'''Escargoon''': We failed again!
:'''King Dedede''': There's always next semester!

== [Episode 68] Delivery Dilemma ([Episode 68] 勝ち抜け! デリバリー時代) ==
:'''Tuff''': ''[brings out a nice hot bowl of ramen]'' Here, nice hot noodles.
:'''King Dedede''': Hot... noodles...? ''[steps closer to Tuff, laughing all the while, while quickly recovering from his red eyes of sleeplessness]'' &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''THEY'S FINALLY HERE!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Thanks, kid. ''(takes the bowl of ramen before Dedede can grab it)''
:'''King Dedede''': Huh? ''[sees Escargoon eating the ramen and grabs him]'' You no-good noodle-nabber! ''[swipes the ramen bowl]''
:'''Escargoon''': ''[swipes his ramen bowl back]'' Hands off! I just ordered these for myself.
:'''King Dedede''': What's that?!
:'''Tuff''': That's right. He called 10 minutes ago.
:'''King Dedede''': Yeah? Well I ordered me a big bowl of noodles yesterday. ''[releases Escargoon]'' I thought mine got here first.
:'''Tuff''': Uh oh. I guess Kirby goofed up after all. Uh, be right back with your order! ''[runs off back to Restaurant Kawasaki]''
:'''King Dedede''': ''[angrily growls]'' I should've known it was Kirby, that nasty little pasta poacher! I'm gonna get me my own delivery dude so there ain't no more mess-up!

== [Episode 69] Trick or Trek ([Episode 69] ウィスピーの森のエコツアー)==
:'''Whispy Woods''': I will protect you for as long as I am able.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': We have to make sure they see our smoke signal.
:'''King Dedede''': This oughtta do the trick.
:''[suddenly, the fire they placed bursts into an even bigger one to their surprise, causing the nearby trees to catch fire much to Escargoon's shock]''
:'''Escargoon''': Ah! The whole forest could catch on fire.
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, great idea!
:'''Escargoon''': Huh?
:'''King Dedede''': We gotta clear out Whispy Woods for my golf course and this is the quick, easy way!
:'''Escargoon''': ''[smiles delightfully in response to Dedede's voiced idea]'' Your blazin' new trail, Sire!
:'''King Dedede''': And afterwards, there's gonna be a lotta charcoal 'round a useful barbecuein'!
:'''Escargoon''': Let's go! Before we get cooked... ''[he and Dedede are scared off by the flames, which have now grown bigger and are spreading quickly through the forest, causing a huge forest fire]''

== [Episode 70] Buccaneer Birdy ([Episode 70] トッコリ卿の伝説)==
:'''Tokkori''': So now we know I'm a noble. *chews* Guess I'll live with ya here at the castle, huh? ''[chews]'' I don't ''[gulps]'' mind. ''[chews]'' But I warn ya, I can't stand loud snorin' when I'm tryin' to sleep. I bet Blue Boy here snores even louder than Kirby, so ya better keep it quiet or you're gone!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Quit stallin' and hand over Tokkori's treasure now!
:'''Kirby''': Poyo!
:'''Escargoon''': That birdseed brain's out of luck. The king and I are goin' fifty-fifty!
:'''King Dedede''': Fool. I used it all to buy myself more monsters!
:'''Escargoon''': But sire...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': I guess Tokkori will always be Tokkori after all.

== [Episode 71] A Whale of a Tale ([Episode 71] 密着! ホエール・ウォッチング)==
:'''Kine''': SUSHI!?!?
:'''Kirby''': Sushi poyo!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': HEY!
:'''Tiff''': What's wrong?
:'''Tuff''': We saw what you're hiding down there. Nets and harpoons and stuff for catching whales!
:'''Kirby''': ''[angrily]'' Poyo!
:'''Tiff''': For catching whales?!
:'''King Dedede''': Aww. Guess we've been found out. Escargoon?
:'''Escargoon''': Aye aye, Sire. ''[presses a button and Dedede's boat reveals its true form as a whaling ship]''
:'''Tiff''': This isn't a tour boat. It's a whaling ship!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[laughing]'' Time to start whaling!

== [Episode 72] Waddle While You Work ([Episode 72] ワドルディ売ります) ==
:'''Tiff''': That's just horrible!
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': What is?
:'''Tiff''': Taking advantage of those poor things!
:'''Curio''': Would you all rather they work for Dedede?
:'''Tiff''': Uh, well...
:'''Tuff''': Hey, Tiff, we never thought about that.
:'''Gengu''': After all, it's not as if we don't treat 'em right!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': This is hopeless.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Waddle Doo''': Your Highness! Let go of the boy!
:'''Tiff''': He wants Dyna Chick for his dinner!
:'''King Dedede''': That's right, and I ain't givin' up this here bird no way no how!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': I'll get you, Kirby! That's the last time you steal my dinner! YOU CHICKEN THIEF!

== [Episode 73] Dedede's Raw Deal ([Episode 73] まわれ! 回転寿司)==
:'''King Dedede''': This grub tastes grubby.
:'''Escargoon''': Ugh. If you eat fast, you won't notice.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Your Majesty, I could use some financial help.
:'''King Dedede''': ''[laughs]'' I bet you want a loan!
:'''Escargoon''': That's an even riskier proposition than eating your food.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Why you? How dare you question His Majesty's integrity!? Why, he's as honest as the day is dark!
:'''Tiff''' &amp; '''Tuff''': Huh?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': This isn't news, it's a commerci- ''[hiccups and covers her mouth]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': This sushi monster's gonna clobber Kirby!
:'''Escargoon''': Yeah. It sure is well-armed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Kirby, listen up! ''[Kirby hiccups]'' If you don't get rid of those hiccups, you'll never be able to eat again!
:'''Kirby''': ''[Freaking Out]'' POYO!!!!! ''[Jumps and spins around to freshen up and his hiccups are gone]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Look, sire. it's raining calamari!
:'''King Dedede''': Great. I'm bankrupted in all I got is a lifetime supply of squid.
:'''Escargoon''': We're broke now. What do we do?
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': That's easy. We can use this with to make sushi. Right?
:''[Dedede and Escargoon crying]''

== [Episode 74] Caterpillar Thriller ([Episode 74] モスガバーの逆襲!) ==
:'''Escargoon''': Get it, Kirby! I can't take these sinus allergies anymore. ''[sneezes]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Island Sisters''': Mosugaba truly wants to live in peace. It is only attacking to set us free. But we can sing to Mosugaba to calm him down.

== [Episode 75] Fossil Fools - Part I ([Episode 75] 夢の恐竜天国! (前編)) ==
:'''King Dedede''': WHERE ALL THE DINOSAURS AT?!

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:'''Tiff''': ''[reading Dedede's book about dinosaurs]'' Lots of folks say that dinosaurs is extunct, but I say the proof is in the pictures.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': ''[screams]'' Look at that thing!
:'''King Dedede''': Looks kinda familiar!

== [Episode 76] Fossil Fools - Part II ([Episode 76] 夢の恐竜天国! (後編))==
:'''King Dedede''': ''[laughs]'' Escarsaurus sure is a dino wimp, I'd say.
:'''Escargoon''': Give him all you've got, Escarsaurus! Tackle that tub of lard!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Buttercup''': ''[to Chief Bookem]'' That dinosaur has your face!

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:'''Mabel''': Something about that dinosaur looks familiar.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mabel''': Have I gone mad, Samo, or did those dinosaurs look just like you and me?
:'''Samo''': They did indeed. But I must admit, I find you much prettier.
:'''Mabel''': I hope so.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': That dinosaur looks just like me!
:'''Tuff''': She even has your personality!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kirby''': Yaaaiie suikaa poyoo!

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:'''Doctor Moro''': It would be foolish to destroy my laboratory.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Hey, he looks just like me!
:'''Tuff''': It's a Kawasakisaurus!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Doctor Moro''': Thanks to your invaluable tip, Tiff, I have achieved what I believe to be my greatest creation. By using Star Warrior DNA, I have created the ULTIMATE MONSTER!! ''[evilly laughs and turns into a monster]''

== [Episode 77] Dedede's Monsterpiece ([Episode 77] ロイヤルアカデデデミー) ==
:'''King Dedede''': ''[points to a huge, cross-eyed version of himself]'' Right here, that's me. Since I'm what you'd call the star of this here paintin', I'm smack-dab in the middle! You'll note the perspecticles, and I put a big old impressionistic Sun ''[a red circle with lines coming off it]'' up there, see? ''[Points to his small castle, and a huge misshapen-looking Escargoon next to it]'' Right there is my castle, and right next to it is Escargoon. Note the lack of depth. ''[points to an awkwardly-angled version of Mayor Len Blustergas with noodle arms and two giant angry Pac-Man-like sheep behind him]'' This here's the Mayor being chased by his sheep. ''[points to a misshapen Kirby in the corner of the painting]'' And this here's Kirby. He's being chased by me! See, I drawed him all lumpy to express his inner lumpiness!
:'''Kirby''': ''[angrily hopping up and down]'' POYO! &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''POYOOOO!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

== [Episode 78] Right Hand Robot ([Episode 78] 発進! エスカルゴン・ロボ) ==
:'''King Dedede''': You must be cleaning this castle with your eye-shut. It's filthy! ''[He blows the dust at Escargoon]''
:'''Escargoon''': ''[coughing]'' I dust this dump every day! I can't be a full-time housekeeper and a full-time lackey.
:'''King Dedede''': Well, you better find a way you out of here.
:'''Escargoon''': But sire, I need this rotten job.
:'''King Dedede''': It's time for my massage.
:''[Escargoon massaging Dedede on a back, grunting]''
:'''King Dedede''': Quit wimpin' out. Pull a little muscle into.
:'''Escargoon''': How's this?
:'''King Dedede''': LOUSY! This is how you give a massage!
:'''Escargoon''': ''[screaming as Dedede stretching his arms]'' Uncle! ''[thuds]'' That wasn't too relaxing.
:'''King Dedede''': Guess I'll have to pull harder next time. ''[laying down on a beach lounge chair]'' Fetch me a toothpick and my monster catalogue.
:''[Escargoon scowls]''
:'''King Dedede''': ''[Being serious]'' What you waiting for!?
:'''Escargoon''': Sorry, Sire. ''[He scurried]''
:'''King Dedede''': My monster catalogue.
:'''Escargoon''': Ugh. I've forgot. ''[He scurried again]''
:'''King Dedede''': Magnifying glasses.
:'''Escargoon''': Sorry, Sire. ''[He scurried once again]'' Here.
:'''King Dedede''': I want me a cup of tea. 
:'''Escargoon''': ''[He scurried again once more]'' Yes, Sire.
:'''King Dedede''': Too cold.
:'''Escargoon''': Right. ''[He keep scurried]''
:'''King Dedede''': Too hot.
:'''Escargoon''': ''[He scurried slowly, panting]'' The king's running me ragged here. I wish he'd give me sometime off to take a trip. ''[He tripped on a carpet as the cup of tea spilled on his head, screamed in pain]'' Hotty! Hotty! Hotty! Hotty!
:'''King Dedede''': Escargoon!
:'''Escargoon''': His Highness does care about me. Oh, Si..''[Getting hitted by Dedede's mallet]''
:'''King Dedede''': You spilled tea on my carpet!
:'''Escargoon''': But Sire, I'm bound to make mistakes when you overwork me and don't give me a break.
:'''King Dedede''': Well if you fooled up again I'll give you plenty of breaks from head to toe.
:'''Escargoon''': Hmph! You snail-driver! I'm tired of being harassed, tired of being insulted, and tired of being tired!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Escargoon! This your pea-brained idea of a joke?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escar-Droid''': MUST. CRUSH. KIRBY.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': I'll get you this time, Kirby!
:'''Meta Knight''': No, you won't! ''[slides into Escargoon and sends him flying into a tree]''

== [Episode 79] Goin' Bonkers ([Episode 79] ボンカースあらわる!) ==
:'''Bonkers''': Look for him.
:'''Mabel''': You want me to tell you Kirby's future?
:'''Bonkers''': Kirby, in here?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': Ha ha! I bet ya Kirby went on a banana-eatin' binge and gobbled up all his food supply!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': What? A gorilla hammering folks on a head?
:'''Waddle Doo''': I heard that if you don't give 'im money or bananas, he gets real mad, and that's when he strikes.
:'''Escargoon''': He sounds like a bill collector which means he'll come here for the nine million we owe N.M.E..
:'''King Dedede''': So how much would nine million be if we pay him in bananas?
:'''Escargoon''': Huh? I don't know the exchange rate for fruit.
:'''King Dedede''': Well, ain't no bullying bill collector gonna knock on my royal noggin'! Throw that gorilla into whose gal!
:'''Escargoon''': Let's hope he doesn't make a chimpanzee out of you. ''[Getting hitted by Dedede's mallet]''
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, Waddle Doo! Go and get that gorilla!
:'''Waddle Doo''': Let's move it!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Kirby's in big trouble if that gorilla can track him down before we do.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Yeah! Why would a big gorilla be lookin' for Kirby?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bonkers''': Me want to train with Kirby.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': That's a ridiculous idea. Who ever heard of making a giant gorilla monster?

== [Episode 80] Power Ploy ([Episode 80] 強壮! ドリンク狂想曲) ==
:'''King Dedede''': Why, just last night I was working at my desk burning up the midnight oil!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Did... I just hear you say you were working?
:'''King Dedede''': Yep! I spent hours at my PC!
:'''Escargoon''': And he almost got it turned on, too! ''[laughs before getting hammered by Dedede]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Upwardly mobile types like us can easily get worn down. That's why we came up with a new energy-booster drink to keep you going like gangbusters round the clock. It's called Pump Up D!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Yeah! I have tons of energy! Ha-haha! I feel like Super Kawasaki! Up and away!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cappy patient''': Doctor... Isn't there anything you can do? I feel awful all over.
:'''Dr. Yabui''': There's no cure... unless you drink this Pump Up D!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Glu-gly-cero-poly-carbo-phosphate. This health drink is totally unhealthy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Triple D, this snake monster is guaranteed to rattle Kirby.

== [Episode 81] A Trashy Tale ([Episode 81] ドキッ! かたづけられない女)==
:'''Escargoon''': I can't tell if this is a throne room or a landfill.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Yabui''': It took me months and months to finish this article!! Grr... WHO DID THIS?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Yabui''': I'm messy, eh? Just wait 'til I get my hands on you! I'll show you messy! My paper's ruined!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': Trash Basher, the garbage monster. This stinks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Yeah! We haven't seen Cleaning Kirby in ages!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[To Tuff]'' Don't laugh, you have to clean your room too!
:'''Tuff''': ''[Nervously Laughs]''
:'''Kirby''': ''[while Handing Tuff A Broom]'' Poyo, Poyo!
:'''Tuff''': Ah boy, what a dirty trick.

== [Episode 82] Cooking Up Trouble ([Episode 82] 合体ロボリョウリガーZ!)==
:'''Sword Kinght''': Blade?
:'''Blade Knight''': Ay?
:'''Sword Knight''': Smells delicious, don't it? Course' anything would smell good compared to Meta knight's cooking!
:''[Blade Knight speaks in foreign language]''
:'''Sword Knight''': You could say that again!
:'''Meta Knight''': ''[he enters from behind]'' Say what again?
:''[Sword and Blade turn around surprised]''
:'''Sword Knight''': Err... He was saying that your cooking... is beyond compare!
:''[Blade Knight responds in foreign language]''
:'''Meta Knight''': Hmm...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Listen everybody! You're going about this thing the wrong way. Those machines can't cook for you because the most important ingredient is missing. You can't make great food unless you use your heart. Cooking isn't about using all the latest technology. Your food will always be mediocre unless you care about what you make.

== [Episode 83] Teacher's Threat ([Episode 83] 魔獣教師3)==
:'''King Dedede''': It's time for me to face the fact that I may need some education.
:'''Escargoon''': Education won't help you. The mind's only a terrible thing to waste if you have one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': What are you brats gonna learn standing out here in the rain? How to get soggy?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': But this school doesn't have anything to do with cooking.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': That's okay. My cooking doesn't have anything to do with cooking either!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Chip''': I'm sorry, but in my classroom, everyone is equal, whether you're royalty or not. Let's try again, shall we, Dedede?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Chip''': Punishment won't help him learn. What Dedede could use is a bit of encouragement.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': If Mr. Chip could stay here in Cappy Town, I'd be the happiest girl alive. Mr. Chip is a wonderful man!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': I need some down time so my brain could re-coagulate.

== [Episode 84] Mumbies Madness ([Episode 84] キュリオ氏の秘宝?) ==
:'''Tokkori''': You hear that weird noise over there? You go check it out and I'll go back to sleep.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prof. Curio''': &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''LEAVE HERE IMMEDIATELY!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt; ''[his shouting sends Kirby into an immediate panic as the latter flees, and he laughs evilly as the relic he was excavating is unsealed]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prof. Curio''': It's none of your business! Get lost!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[about Professor Curio]'' But... why would he act so mean?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kabu''': Kirby. You must be careful. That monster will never stop attacking you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[reading]'' Mumbies are a good luck monster. Whoever finds one will become rich. Mumbies dwell underground by day, and know where many fabulous treasures are buried.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': The Mumbies are vicious monsters sent throughout the universe to hunt down and exterminate Star Warriors. When the containers that hold them are discovered, they are automatically unsealed, and they begin looking for Star Warriors to destroy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prof. Curio''': It wasn't until I re-examined that book today that I realized what the King had done. I can't believe he tricked me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Easy, Sire. This is a comedy show, not a reality series!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[seeing that Kirby has let the Mumbies get burned by the sun's rays]'' Kirby won!
:'''Escargoon''': And who's fault was that?
:''[Dedede screams in anger]''

== [Episode 85] A Sunsational Surprise/A Sunsational Puzzle ([Episode 85] まぼろしの紫外線!) ==
:'''Lady Like''': WRINKLES!?!? ''[looks at herself in the mirror and then screams]'' The sun ''(Inaudible)'' ''(to the viewer)'' Stop staring at me! My face is looking like a prune! ''(screams)'' Call the plastic surgeon!
:'''Sir Ebrum''': Aren't you overreacting, dear?

== [Episode 86] A Chow Challenge ([Episode 86] 弟子対決! コックナゴヤ)==
:'''Chef Nagoya''': You really have made progress as a chef, Kawasaki. This is quite tasty!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': I don't want Nagoya to find out that I still can't cook!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': If that guy studied with Kawasaki, then he's gotta be a graduate of the institute of indigestion!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': He took cookin' lessons with Kawasaki!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': We're doing our best, but Nightmare Enterprises deals in monsters, not in groceries. It may take a little time, Triple-D.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Nagoya''': Your crazy cuisine has won that little Star Warrior's heart and stomach. Kirby would never be happy eating my food. It's way too bland for his taste!

== [Episode 87] Waste Management ([Episode 87] 襲撃! カラスの勝手軍団) ==
:'''Crowmon''': You lied to me! You said you'd give us all we can eat. But the trash is gone and we're still hungry!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crowmon''': You will never get away!

== [Episode 88] Shell-Shocked ([Episode 88] はだかのエスカルゴン) ==
:'''Tiff''': Shell collecting is fun, but it can also be quite educational. Some creatures like clams have two shells that are connected. Other creatures just have a single shell.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': ''[sneezes]'' Somethin' around here's got my allergies acting up.
:'''King Dedede''': ''[laughs]'' Just don't sneeze on the grill! I'm cookin' top shell! ''[he take a mouthful of topshell and he chewing]'' Maaaan! Is that ever hot! But tasty. Here, you wanna try one?
:'''Escargoon''': Not if they taste like they smell.
:'''King Dedede''': Not even one?
:'''Escargoon''': I don't like shellfish.
:'''King Dedede''': Bet you never tasted ones like these here. Come on!
:'''Escargoon''': Eugh... No! ''[exclaims]''
:'''King Dedede''': Guess that just means more top shells for me! ''[some empty topshells fell on a ground after he ate them all]'' Boy, oh, boy, that does a belly good!
:''[Waddle Dees clean some other topshells and except one who fell, and then Dedede imagine of this topshell]''
:'''King Dedede''': An empty shell. Get outta that shell right now!
:''[Escargoon screaming]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Come back here, Escargoon! I wanna see what you been hiding underneath that shell of yours!
:'''Escargoon''': You're crazy! It's not open to the public!
:'''King Dedede''': Slow down, so I can get a crack at it! ''[He tried to a mallet to Escargoon's shell, but it missed, Escargoon laughs]'' Grrr!! Come here!
:'''Escargoon''': ''[jumps]'' Oh! How dare you try to hit me! ''[jumps again]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': ''[laughs]'' Methinks the king is out of shape. Well, ''adieu''. ''[chuckles, leaves with suavity]''
:''[Dedede however, was never tired, and tricked Escargoon. He then hammers his shell from behind, Escargoon screaming in shocked]''
:'''Escargoon''': Sneak attack!
:'''King Dedede''': I'm crackin' your shell open and havin' a look!
:''[Escargoon screams, his shell is about to slightly cracks]''
:'''King Dedede''': Ah-ha!
:'''Escargoon''': Huh?
:'''King Dedede''': ''[he points on Escargoon's shell]'' Hey, it's startin' to open up!
:'''Escargoon''': ''[screaming]'' It is? Everything looks okay to me?
:'''King Dedede''': I always knew you was a little bit cracked. Now you're more cracked than before! ''[laughs]''
:'''Escargoon''': You may find this amusing but I don't! ''[groans]'' I just hope I don't catch pneumonia.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[At Doctor Yabui's clinic, Escargoon gets his fractured shell looked at by Doctor Yabui]''
:'''Dr. Yabui''': Oh...yes I see...my goodness.
:'''Escargoon''': Your goodness what, doc?
:'''Dr. Yabui''': Bad news. there's a fracture in your shell.
:'''Escargoon''': ''[gasps]'' Well don't just sit there, fix it!
:'''Dr. Yabui''': I'm afraid there's nothing I can do
:''[Escargoon whimpers in terror]''
:'''Dr. Yabui''': It can't be repaired.
:'''Escargoon''': You're joking!
:'''Dr. Yabui''': It might even get bigger.
:'''Escargoon''': THIS CAN'T BE!!!''[His shell cracks once more, Tiff and Tuff gasped. Whimpering in terror, he sees behind his shell cracking again, cries]'' &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''PLEASE HELP ME!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Tiff''': That's tough.
:'''Tuff''': Don't get excited, Escargoon! It's only a shell.
:'''Escargoon''': Don't tell me no to get excited, kid. My whole world's falling apart!
:''[Escargoon is suddenly interrupted by Dedede shows up in the limousine to exacerbate things further]''
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, Yabui. No use hiding Escargoon! ''[He barges into Yabui's clinic]'' Come on out! I know you here some-place. And I'm gonna find ya. ''[He tries to open the door]'' It's me, Escargoonie-goo. Open up this here door. I'm your best pal, ain't I? I won't hurt you.
:'''Escargoon''': Go away. I can't see you now. I'm studying for a blood test.
:'''King Dedede''': I'm real worried about you, so please open up, little buddy? ''[He pulls out his mallet]'' In fact...I'll open it for you! Stand back, buddy! ''[He hits a door with a his mallet]''
:'''Escargoon''': He wants to smash my shell to pieces! ''[He barricades the door]''
:'''King Dedede''': Now ain't you gonna let me in there or ain'cha?
:'''Escargoon''': ''[grunts]'' Uh-uh! ''[His shell cracks again, then he screaming in terror]''
:'''Tiff''': Stop that! Haven't you done enough?! Don't you know Escargoon needs his shell to protect his body?!
:'''King Dedede''': Protect his body?
:'''Dr. Yabui''': That's right. Without his shell, Escargoon would be completely exposed.
:''[Tuff laughing]''
:'''King Dedede''': Hey! What what that looks like...''[He imagines what Escargoon would look like without his &quot;clothes&quot; on, which is reference by [[w:The Birth of Venus|The Birth of Venus]]; thinking]'' ''Am I being disrespectful? Should I leave Escargoon alone?'' Probably but I ain't a' going to. Now show me what you hiding under that there shell!
:'''Escargoon''': I'm never showing nothing to nobody!
:'''Tiff, Tuff, and Dr. Yabui''': Nobody?
:'''Escargoon''': Why do I suddenly feel like a &lt;big&gt;'''SCIENTIST EXPERIMENT!?'''&lt;/big&gt; ''[When Dedede busts the door with his mallet]'' I'm not letting you in this door!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[He continue busting the door with his mallet for several times]'' Let me in!
:'''Escargoon''': &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''GO AWAY!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt; Help me.
:'''King Dedede''': Here I come! ''[He smash the door down. He does so and breaks the shell completely]''
:'''Escargoon''': That did it!
:''[All exclaims, and Kirby close the Escargoon's shell]''
:'''King Dedede''': Hey! You get off of that! You can't park it there!
:'''Tiff''': Stay right where you are! Now you've done it! You've split Escargoon's shell apart!
:'''Escargoon''': I never felt so violated! I lost my dignity!
:'''King Dedede''': Now you just relax whilst I have myself a little look-see here!
:'''Escargoon''': Don't let him touch me!
:'''King Dedede''': You know you're gonna have to show me sooner or later.
:'''Escargoon''': How about later? Much later.
:''[Dedede chases Escargoon around, both yelling]''
:'''King Dedede''': As your king, is it my royal right to see what you got under that shell and I ain't quit 'til I get a peek! ''[As he steps on Escargoon's tail, Escargoon screams as Kirby falls off. Escargoon grab and pull the tail offs and his so the shell falls off, but it closed again]'' Oh no!
:'''Escargoon''': Thank goodness.
:'''Kirby''': Po-yay?
:'''Tiff''': Leave Escargoon alone! Don't you think you've caused enough trouble for him already?!
:'''King Dedede''': Not really. I think I could cause a lot more trouble.
:'''Tiff''': You broke his shell in the first place, so you better find him a new one!
:'''Escargoon''': And fast!
:'''King Dedede''': Find him a new shell, huh? That's a great idea!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Sure thing, King! In fact, we have a monstrous new line of mollusc-wear that is guaranteed to bring out the beast if you know what I mean.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': With my new remote-controlled spy fly, I'll get me a real bug's eye view! ''[He uses the Grasshopper Eavesdropper to take a peek at the Escargoon in a changing-tent]''
:'''Escargoon''': How humiliating...''[He pick up with the tin-pan]'' This one looks too small, but I'll try it on anyway,
:'''King Dedede''': This is it! Yeah! Let see!!
:'''Escargoon''':  ''[Moans, but he noticed Grasshopper Eavesdropper spying on him and he screaming in shocked, smashes it with the tin-pan]'' SPY ON ME, WILL YA!?
:'''King Dedede''': It's busted! Now my undercover bug can't spy on that slug!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': So? Making like top-shell, huh? You lucky I didn't fricasse you!
:'''Escargoon''': Yeah, well you came close enough!
:'''Tiff''': Escargoon's just wearing this, while we're trying to fix up this regular shell!
:'''King Dedede''': Oh! Now I get it.
:'''Kirby''': Poyo.
:'''King Dedede''': You hog! You ate my tender delicious topshell before I got to it!
:'''Escargoon''': That shell was empty when I put it on, you blowhard!
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, that reminds me!...I still ain't seen what you been hiding under that shell!
:''[Escargoon exclaims]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': ''[laughs in evilly]'' It's too late now.
:'''King Dedede''': New shell or no new shell, I still wanna see what you hiding underneath here!
:'''Escargoon''': It's no use, but give it a shot, Sire.
:'''King Dedede''': ALRIGHT!!! ''[He attempts to break it open, but to no avail]'' It's too hard.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': All that pounding is giving me a pounding headache!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maimaigoon''': This shell makes me invincible...and powerful!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Maimaigoon''': ''[to Kirby as he fires his lighting beams]'' You're finished, Kirby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': For a snail, he's pretty quick.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Hold on! I think there's another crack in that there!
:'''Escargoon''': The only thing cracked in this room is you, you wacko!
:'''King Dedede''': Just one little-itty-bitty peek?
:'''Escargoon''': You keep your paws off of me! HELP!
:'''King Dedede''': Escargoon, please!?
:'''Escargoon''': Buzz off, you creep!

== [Episode 89] Tooned Out ([Episode 89] オタアニメ! 星のフームたん)==
:'''Escargoon''': Tiff can't be the hero! She's a bad guy!
:'''King Dedede''': There's only room for one hero on my show and that's me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Biggy''': She's so awesome, she deserves her own animated series.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bony''': Why don't we make her the hero?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Boys''': Roses are red. Violets are blue. Here we come, Tiff. We're gonna draw you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sleepy''': We need more recordings of her voice to use in the cartoon.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': You guys shouldn't stick around taking my pictures without permission.
:'''Sleepy''': She looks good she's mad.
:'''Bony''': Those lying visitor but totally fears.
:'''Biggy''': She's sure is gonna lot a fun you are.
:'''Boys''': ''[to Tiff]'' Cutie.
:'''Tiff''': ''[gasps]'' Don't call me that! Why don't you guys show a little originality and invent your own cartoon character instead of picking on me?! &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''I DON'T WANT TO BE A CARTOON STAR!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Boys''': Did you say &quot;so sorry&quot;?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Alright, boys, I'm sending you the ace of all animators. Allow me to introduce the legendary Dis Walney! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dis Walney''': Hmm, the scene needs more excitement. I need more energy, King!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Anige''': Now I'm going to delete your friend Kirby permanently!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Hey, it's morning.
:'''Tiff''': And there's still no cartoon.
:''[Dedede and Escargoon exclaiming in shocked]''
:'''King Dedede''': If we don't put a cartoon on I'll be flat broke!
:'''Escargoon''': But sire, there's only 5 minutes left to go!
:'''King Dedede''': Whoever said &quot;the show must go on&quot; didn't know us!
:''[Dedede and Escargoon hugged as they crying and Tuff laughs]''
:'''Tiff''': Too bad those professional animators couldn't help you.
:'''Both''': ''[stopped crying]'' Huh? What'd you say?
:'''King Dedede''': So, let's go!
:'''Escargoon''': There's still hope.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Well, guys?
:'''Sleepy''': It wasn't easy, dude, but we did it.
:'''Biggy''': We had to draw it really fast.
:'''Bony''': But it's way cool!
:'''King Dedede''': Who cares? It's done!
:'''Escargoon''': 10 seconds left!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': That doesn't look like you, sire.
:'''King Dedede''': There's something about that girly are looked saw that familiar!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Is that airhead really supposed to be me?!
:'''Biggy''': Yeah. Except, she's not short like you.
:'''Tiff''': Yeah, I'm short alright. ''(furious growl)'' &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''AND SO'S MY TEMPER!!!'''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;

== [Episode 90] Born to Be Mild - Part I ([Episode 90] 爆走! デデデス・レース (前編))==
:'''Rip''': The name's Rip. Sorry to wake ya, officer!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Both coughing]''
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, what's the idea sticking up the hand here!?
:'''Escargoon''': Yeah, who do you think you are? King Dedede?
:'''King Dedede''': You're in big trouble!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': That biker gang could strike again at any time! We've got to have a plan to defend ourselves!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': We're not gonna let you mess up Cappy Town!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Turbo''': My name's Turbo. Allow me to introduce our fearless leader: Fang!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Fang''': First we gotta find a dude named Steppenwolf, but then we'll take care of Kirby for ya.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gus''': One of them bikers is an old friend of mine. You see, I used to belong to a motorcycle gang.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''NME Sales Guy''': Now hold up, Highness. Have you considered beating them with a track attack... by having a race? Of course, you'll need a place to race! That's expensive, but Nightmare Enterprises could be the sponsor!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': We gonna have a big race at the brand spankin' new DDD Speedway!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': It looks like Fang's racing circles around Kirby and the rest of the Cappy crew! Can the friends defeat the gang without Gus? Find out next time, on ''Kirby: Right Back at Ya!''

== [Episode 91] Born to Be Mild - Part II ([Episode 91] 爆走! デデデス・レース (後編))==
:'''Fang''': Just wait, Kirby. I'll finish you off later! Right now, I wanna make sure I win this race.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Melman''': You caused a lot of trouble when you were younger, but this is your chance to make up for it. Take that chance while you still can!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': That punk jockey ain't got a chance of beatin' Fang now!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': That grease monkey must've got out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Listen! According to this chemical analysis, the fuel in Fang's motorcycle couldn't have come from this planet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': What a surprise! It looks like our bad boy biker has been de-fanged by a rough-riding old-timer with a need for speed!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Melman''': You can say all you want, Tiff. The important thing is that Fang is gone. Ooh, am I gonna be sore tonight...

== [Episode 92] Hunger Struck ([Episode 92] ワドルディの食文化大革命)==
:'''Escargoon''': Sire! Sire! You won't believe with those Waddle Dees! I just left him in the dining hall!
:'''King Dedede''': Good, don't bring him in here cause it might kill my appetite.
:'''Escargoon''': While you slurp that slot the Waddles Dees are having the feast. It's a gourmet meal with four different courses fit for a king.
:''[Dedede becomes enraged and he throw the cup of ramen noodles to Escargoon's face]''
:'''King Dedede''': If it's fit for a king, how come I ain't gettin' any?! Grrr!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[A Waddle Dee Eats A Cookie]''
:'''King Dedede''': No Way!
:'''Escargoon''': It adsorbed the cookie!
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, how'd it do that? It's munchin' alright...
:'''Escargoon''': Wonder how it flosses...
:'''King Dedede''': That's weird.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Waddle Doo''': ''[to the Waddle Dees]'' The king's so stingy he put us on a starvation diet! Now our stomachs cry out for vengeance!
:''[cut to King Dedede and Escargoon being chased by angry Waddle Dees]''
:'''King Dedede''': We in trouble! My own guards is out to get me!
:'''Escargoon''': I've heard of hunger strikes before, but this is ridiculous!

== [Episode 93] D'Preciation Day ([Episode 93] カービィ感謝の日!) ==
:'''Tiff''': I know Dedede can be mean and nasty and selfish, but deep down, he really just wants to be loved. If we gave him a present, maybe he'd feel loved, and change his ways.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': I think you'd be a much better candidate for something like &quot;Take Your Tyrant to Lunch Day!&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Nobody 'round here appreciates me, so I'm gonna start up a brand new tradition in Dream Land! There gonna be no more appreciation days. From now on, we only celebrating Dis Days!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Waddle Doo''': Sorry, Kawasaki! King's orders!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Looks like Tiff's trying to disrupt Dis Day.
:'''King Dedede''': Just wait 'til she finds out who we dissin' next.
:''[Dedede and Escargoon break out laughing]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': 10. 9. 8.
:'''Escargoon''': 7. 6. 5. 4. 3.
:'''Tiff''': Spit it out, Kirby!
:'''King Dedede''': Here...
:'''Escargoon''': We...
:'''Both''': GO!!!
:''[Kirby's face becomes red and glows, and he then starts to spit gray smoke from his mouth, at such a force and speed that he is sent flying up in the air while spitting out more smoke]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Dedede's gone too far this time!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': I think he's rotten no matter how deep down you go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Waddle Doo''': A message for you, Sire!
:'''King Dedede''': Who's it from?
:'''Escargoon''': It's from Tiff. She's inviting us to Kirby's memorial service.
:'''King Dedede''': His what?
:'''Escargoon''': I regret to inform you that Kirby is gone. We're gathering to bid farewell to him this afternoon. Please join us to pay your last respects.
:''[Both exclaims]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[King Dedede and Escargoon crying about Kirby's funeral]''
:'''King Dedede''': It's all our fault!
:'''Escargoon''': Forgive us, Kirby! That prank was His Majesty's idea, but I was the one who came up with the time bomb part! For once I wish I wasn't so brilliant!
:'''King Dedede''': Now I wish you weren't dumb as me!
:'''Escargoon''': How did that work possible? 
:'''King Dedede''': I never would have played that prank If I don't know this was gonna happen. I wish I could take it all back!
:'''Tiff''': Unfortunately, it's too late.
:'''King Dedede''': But there's got to be something I can do.
:'''Tiff''': You can't do start by promising not to play any more practical jokes on your subjects!
:'''King Dedede''': I PROMISE!! ''[crying]'' Here, Kirby. This one ain't got no time bomb.
:'''Tiff''': I'm sure he'd like that a lot.
:'''King Dedede''': I MISS YOU KIRBY OL' BUDDY! ''[cries]''
:'''Tiff''': I think Dedede is really sorry.
:'''Mayor Len''': I agree.
:'''Tuff''': Looks like he learned his lesson.
:''[Kirby hops out of the grave in order to eat the watermelon left for him. Dedede and Escargoon screams]''
:'''King Dedede''': He even got a hungry ghost!
:'''Tiff''': Oh, Kirby.
:''[Tuff groans]''
:'''Escargoon''': Kirby's not a ghost. The runt's still alive! A-ha! You were all playing a trick on His Majesty, weren't ya?
:'''King Dedede''': ''[whimpers as he cries]'' I'M GLAD HE'S OKAY!!!
:'''Escargoon''': You are?
:'''King Dedede''': It was dull bein' ruler of Dream Land before you came along. I need me an enemy!
:'''Tuff''': The king really has changed. 
:'''Tiff''': In his own twisted way he cares about Kirby.
:'''King Dedede''': Kirby...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Waddle Doo''': The card says: This is Chuckie. Made especially for Kirby by Nightmare Enterprises.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Every day's Kirby appreciation day.
:'''Waddle Doo''': You've got a card, Sire.
:'''King Dedede''': Huh? Somebody appreciates me too.
:'''Escargoon''': Here. Let's see. It's a bill from Nightmare Enterprises. They want 9 million D-Bills for that monster.
:'''King Dedede''': ''[whimpers as he cries]'' THERE ONLY APPRECIATED MY MONEY!!

== [Episode 94] The Thing About the Ring ([Episode 17] パームとメームの指輪物語) ==
:'''Tiff''': ''(to Sir Ebrum)'' How come you always act so weird on your anniversary? I don't get it. It's the same thing every time.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': There you are, my twinkling little treasures. I bet none of you's made of glass. Little does King Greedede know I've been collecting you glittery goo-gahs for years!

== [Episode 95] A Dental Dilemma ([Episode 32] 歯なしにならないハナシ)==
:'''Tiff''': Oh, please. I've had toothaches funnier than King Dedede.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': That's easy for him to say. PLEASE DON'T PULL MY TEETH OUT, DOCTOR!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': That maniac drilled so deep, I thought he was gonna strike oil.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': You could get cavities too, you know.
:'''King Dedede''': ''[laughs]'' My choppers is way too powerful to get conquered by cavities.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lady Like''': Tuff. I want you to brush your teeth before you go to bed tonight. You too, Kirby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': But, Sire, you have to get that tooth filled.
:'''Dedede''': Ain't no way you gonna drag me there! I'd rather dive head-first into the Booma-Dooma Volcano!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Doctor Yabui won't hurt you, Sire.
:'''Dedede''': He had you shrieking like a smoke detector!

== [Episode 96] Cowardly Creature ([Episode 94] 脱走魔獣ファンファン) ==
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': I can assure you we're not responsible, Triple-D. The escapee was part of our &quot;Young Monsters of the Future&quot; program. The training facility is secure, but it looks like somebody found a way to break into our computer system and sent one of our horrible hopefuls free.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': I'm me, alrighty! I think it's about time to extra-cise my kingly duties and protect my subjects!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': In fact, I can assure you that the King is totally irresponsible!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': That poor thing's afraid! We have to do something!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Sire, what if he turns into Hammer Kirby?!
:'''King Dedede''': Now don't do nothin' rash! We yer friends, Kirby!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Whoa! That monster must be huge!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': I wish I knew why Phan Phan's so frightened all the time. I've never seen a monster act like this before.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Whippy''': Hitti hitti!

== [Episode 97] Frog Wild ([Episode 95] デビル・カービィ!)==
:'''Hana''': I don't know what's gotten into Kirby, but something has.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Prof. Curio''': ''[crying]'' Oh no... how could you? My relics are just a pile of rubble now. Why did he come in here and smash them all? Why, Kirby?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuggle''': ''[crying]'' I'm always nice to Kirby! Why would he wanna do 'dis?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mabel''': What is wrong, Kirby? You do not seem to be your perky-pink self today.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': There has to be a misunderstanding. Kirby's a Star Warrior, not a juvenile delinquent!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': He done WHAT?!
:'''Escargoon''': Kirby's smashing up Cappy Town like a pink wrecking ball!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[laughs]'' He sees it's more fun to be a heel than a hero! But there's only room for one mischief-maker in this kingdom, and that's me!
:'''Escargoon''': Well now the Cappies are more scared of Kirby than they are you, Sire.
:'''King Dedede''': Say what?
:'''Escargoon''': Maybe they're just afraid of Kirby because he's a dynamic-demonic ball of fire, and you're just a big bellied out of shape ball of blubber! ''[gets hit it with Dedede's mallet]''
:'''King Dedede''': Now you're out of shape. I'm checking this out!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Oh, hello, Kirby. Come on in. I got some leftover turkey jerky hash if you want... Where you goin'? You don't have to have the hash. I can cook anything you want me to. Ah! You just name it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': He does look kind of scary.
:'''Escargoon''': ''[laughs]'' Who knew a half pint could be so horrifying?
:'''King Dedede''': I ain't gonna let that pipsqueak out leave me! ''[He jumps out of limousine]''
:'''Escargoon''': Wait, what are you gonna do!?
:'''King Dedede''': I'm gonna prove I'm more troublesome than Kirby is! 
:'''Escargoon''': Sire, I was only kidding!
:'''King Dedede''': ''[He enters in Kawasaki's restaurant]'' Hey you there, gumball!
:''[Kirby's evil state up-close for himself and Dedede gasped]''
:'''Escargoon''': You're much worse than Kirby. 
:''[Kirby's evil state up-close for himself, Escargoon screams and hides behind Dedede]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': Forget it, Kirby ain't no threat to you Cappies. Why he's as harmless as a horse-fly!
:'''Tiff''': Yeah, anyone who knows Kirby knows that he wants to help us, not hurt us.
:'''King Dedede''': It's true. Why that goody-goody ain't got a bad bone in his body.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': ''[After Demon Kirby set the fire on Kawasaki's restaurant]'' Why, Kirby!? Why!?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chief Bookem''': He destroyed headquarters...
:''[King Dedede's limousine explodes within Chief Bookem's police station]''
:'''King Dedede''': There goes my limo!
:'''Escargoon''': Thanks, Kirby.
:'''King Dedede''': Now what am I gonna drive?
:'''Chief Bookem''': They're wiped out.
:''[All the cappies talking at once]''
:'''Tuff''': I can't believe this.
:'''Tokkori''': I always knew Kirby was trouble, but this takes the cake. That boy's gone ballistic!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chief Bookem''': Attention all Cappies! Stay inside your homes! Keep your doors locked, and your windows shut! Kirby's on the loose!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[At night, Dedede's castle]''
:'''King Dedede''': ''[offscreen]'' I ain't gonna let Kirby show me up.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': This is a surprise, D-Meister. Why the late night call?
:'''King Dedede''': Tell me who's the baddest bad guy in Dreamland?!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Is that a trick question?
:'''King Dedede''': You're supposed to say it's me!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': I'd agree with that.
:'''King Dedede''': Well then Cappies thinks it's Kirby!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': No, how come? ''[As Dedede growls]''
:'''King Dedede''': '''HE SMASHED UP CAPPY TOWN!!'''
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': But Kirby's a good guy.
:'''Escargoon''': He's tearing through this kingdom on a debris spree!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': ''[laughs]'' Sounds to me like Kirby found your Demon Frog.
:'''King Dedede''': My Demon Frog?
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Don't you recall the monster you ordered a couple months back? ''[imitates frog noises]''
:'''King Dedede''': Yeah. Now I remember that frog.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Majesty, that frog is a hoppin' horror show!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': If the Demon Frog really is inside Kirby, then there's no way he can be held responsible for attacking Cappy Town, because it was really the Demon Frog forcing him to do it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': We must find a way to make that Demon Frog leave Kirby.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Waddle Doo''': Sire! Emergency! Kirby's attacking the castle!
:'''King Dedede''': He is?! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Kirby! I told you to knock it off!
:''[Demon Kirby is still beating up Dedede and the Waddle Dees]''
:'''Tiff''': '''FOR THE LAST TIME! STOP, KIRBY!!!!'''
:''[The Demon Frog momentarily loses control of Kirby]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[after letting the Demon Frog after he transforms himself into Demon Dedede]'' You puny peewees better be scared, 'cause I'm the baddest dude on the whole planet!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': YOU BETTER LEAVE KIRBY ALONE!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': You should teach those two a lesson.
:'''Tuff''': Yeah, they're always scheming against you!
:'''Kirby''': Poyo.
:'''Tiff''': It's time to give them both a taste of their own medicine!
:'''Kirby''': Poyo.
:'''King Dedede''': Step away, Escargoon! ''[He kicks Escargoon on a ground and he run away]''
:'''Escargoon''': Wait, Sire! I'm a coward too!

== [Episode 98] Cappy Town Down ([Episode 98] 発進! 戦艦ハルバード) ==
:''[Kirby and friends arrive to find Cappy Town a smoldering wreck and thousands of Cappies homeless]''
:'''Tiff''': Oh, Tuff... This is terrible. The whole place was destroyed when that spaceship attacked. There's no Cappy Town left.
:'''Tuff''': I don't believe it.
:'''Tokkori''': Folks are sayin' this is your fault.
:''[Kirby lowers his head and lets out a sad Poyo. The Cappies turn to Kirby to try to take out their grief on him]''
:'''Mayor Len Blustergas''': When your ship crashed, we welcomed you to Cappy Town and now we're paying for it, Kirby.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Yeah. We lost everything because of you!
:'''Tuggle''': It was a mistake to let you live here.
:'''Buttercup''': Maybe it's time for you to move on.
:'''Gengu''': Yeah, this is all your fault, Kirby!
:''[Kirby lets out another sad Poyo, only for his friends to step in and defend him]''
:'''Tiff''': This isn't Kirby's fault. It's Dedede's fault!
:'''Tuff''': Yeah, what about all the times Kirby came to our rescue?
:'''Chief Bookem''': He sure didn't save us this time.
:'''Hana''': That's why we don't have a place to live anymore.
:'''Mayor Len Blustergas''': Cappy Town is in ruins.
:'''Melman''': There's not a mailbox left in the whole town.
:'''Samo''': It's a fine mess Kirby's got us in.
:'''Tiff''': Well this isn't gonna solve anything.
:'''Tuff''': Yeah! Now's the time to work together!
:''[The Cappies are questioning in a confused state while Tiff growls. Then she proudly grunts]''
:'''Tiff''': Come on! We can't give up now! Remember, we've been through tough times before. We'll pull through this one too!
:'''Kirby''': Poyo!
:'''Chief Bookem''': We just don't know what we should do, Tiff.
:'''Tiff''': Meta Knight will tell us. He wants to meet with all of us up in the castle.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': It's a phone.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': That isn't just an ordinary phone, Your Majesty. ''[Dedede's phone starts ringing with a familiar-sounding ringtone, and Dedede opens his phone to find Kirby and another familiar-sounding ringtone, this one being a remix of the theme song]''
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, what's that pink stinker doing in there?!
:'''Escargoon''': And what's with that annoying music?!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': ''(laughs)'' Nobody would ever suspect that you'd use a Kirby phone to call Nightmare Enterprises.
:'''King Dedede''': Great idea!
:'''Escargoon''': I wouldn't be surprised if we even get stuck with a phone bill.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[about the Halberd]'' Hey, what is that damn thing?
:'''Escargoon''': Sire, how am I supposed to know? But whatever it is, I think our friend at Nightmare Enterprises would be very interested in it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': The coming battle may well determine the fate of the galaxy.
:'''Tiff''': We can't give up without a fight.
:'''King Dedede''': Meta Knight, you's a dirty double-crosser! You've got some nerve building this here battleship in my basement!
:'''Escargoon''': And what's with this &quot;fate of the galaxy&quot; mumbo jumbo? You got that helmet on too tight?
:'''Meta Knight''': You still have a chance to join forces with us before it is too late.
:'''King Dedede''': Lemme see inside of that ship first.
:''(the door to the inside of the Halberd opens)''
:'''Meta Knight''': Follow me. I will take you to the bridge.
:'''King Dedede''': Yeah, I'd like to push you off one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mayor Len Blustergas''': This is catastrophic.
:'''Samo''': How can we survive, Meta Knight?
:'''Prof. Curio''': Maybe we should just get rid of Kirby.
:'''Meta Knight''': Listen to me. eNeMeE is not just after Kirby. He will not stop until he controls the entire universe! We must all try to stop him!
:'''Tiff''': That's what this battleship's for, right?
:'''Tuff''': We can battle eNeMeE from inside here.
:'''Kirby''': Poyo.
:'''Mabel''': This sounds crazy.
:'''Meta Knight''': The odds are against us, but you must decide now! I need a crew. Will you stand up and fight with me?
:''[the Cappies recoil in fear]''
:'''Samo''': You want us to fight?!
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': I'm a chef, not a soldier!
:'''Meta Knight''': I cannot fly this ship alone. Are there no brave volunteers? Chief Bookem!
:'''Chief Bookem''': Ah, I'd like to help, but I'm a lawman, not an airman.
:'''Mayor Len Blustergas''': I'm too old to volunteer.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': I think I left my oven on!
:'''Mabel''': My crystal ball needs polishing!
:'''Gus''': Gotta go pump some gas!
:'''Prof. Curio''': Good luck, Meta Knight!
:''[the Cappies run out of the Halberd in terror]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Hey there, D. What's shakin'?
:'''King Dedede''': ME! You just blowed up my monster transmitter!
:'''Escargoon''': And you nearly got us, too!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kit Cosmos''': Kirby doesn't stand a chance without help.
:''[the Cappies turn around and notice Kit Cosmos]''
:'''Kit Cosmos''': Well what're you waitin' for? We can't let a Star Warrior battle alone!
:'''Samo''': Who is he?
:'''Mabel''': I don't know, but he could use a shave.
:'''Kit Cosmos''': Sergeant Kit Cosmos! I served with Meta Knight and the Star Warrior force and I'm reportin' for duty.
:'''Iro''': Tiff told us about you.
:'''Honey''': He's a big hero.
:'''Spikehead''': You live on that island.
:'''Kit Cosmos''': Kirby and his squad found me there, and when they went home, I chose to stay. But now I've come to help Kirby take on eNeMeE. All right then, who's ready to fight alongside me?
:'''Samo''': He certainly is a tough cookie.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Yeah. Even tougher than my cookies.
:'''Kit Cosmos''': Will you stand alongside me, or are you a cowering coward?
:'''Mayor Len Blustergas''': We can't fight, Sergeant.
:'''Prof. Curio''': We're not soldiers.
:'''Kit Cosmos''': Not soldiers? Is that a reason for you to stand there and do nothin'?! Kirby's riskin' his life to save your planet, and it's your duty to help him!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Look who's here.
:'''Tiff''': Sergeant Cosmos!
:'''Kit Cosmos''': I'd never miss a fight if I can help it. ''[Meta Knight steps out to greet him]'' Meta Knight sir!
:'''Meta Knight''': What brings you here?
:'''Kit Cosmos''': I may be a soldier who's over the hill, but I'm proud to serve one last time, if you'll have me.
:'''Meta Knight''': I will.
:'''Kit Cosmos''': It'll be an honor, sir.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': I can mess up the mess hall, so count me in too!
:'''Dr. Yabui''': You'll need a medic.
:'''Gus''': And I've got the muscle to tune this baby up for ya!
:'''Tiff''': Thanks, guys! But not all of us can go.
:'''Tuff''': Yeah. Somebody's gotta stay behind to start rebuilding Cappy Town.
:'''Prof. Curio''': Hmmm. We never thought of that, did we?
:'''Gengu''': Yeah, I guess you're... ''[the area around them shakes again]''
:'''Sword Knight''': All volunteers on board.
:'''Blade Knight''': ''*mumbling*'' Help Kirby.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': Hey, sire. What were you supposed to do again?
:'''King Dedede''': I was supposed to plant this here time bomb on the ship.
:'''Escargoon''': We weren't supposed to be on the ship, were we?
:'''King Dedede''': Aaah! Get me outta here!

== [Episode 99] Combat Kirby ([Episode 99] 撃滅! ナイトメア大要塞) ==
:'''Sword Knight''': Don't worry. She'll be fine. This ship's made to move at hyper speeds.
:'''Tuff''': Yeah, but none of us are.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tokkori''': Some wormhole. I don't see no worms nowhere.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Our sensors go to have picked up some sort of battleship coming out of a wormhole one light year away. It appears that Kirby and Meta Knight have decided to attack us with their puny little battle barge.
:'''Nightmare''': They are growing desperate. They'll realize I have them beaten. I was hoping they'd be foolish enough to attack, so I've prepared a surprise for them.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': The capsule's set, sir. I'll send it on its way. ''[sends out a capsule containing Heavy Lobster]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Cooking this space food is as easy as boiling water!
:'''Samo''': This is the first time I ever enjoyed Kawasaki's cooking.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Can I boil you some dessert?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Yabui''': Rather dull up here. When I don't have any patients to see, I get rather impatient.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tuff''': Isn't there any place we can go to get away from you two?
:'''Tiff''': I should've guessed you'd try and stow away.
:'''Escargoon''': We have a right to be here, sister!
:'''King Dedede''': Yeah, this ship was built on my property.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': What are you doing here?!
:'''King Dedede''': I'm comin' along to give you all a helping hand! I'm sick and tired of eNeMeE sending me all them defective monsters!
:'''Escargoon''': What else can we say? We're disgruntled.
:'''King Dedede''': I'm gonna show them crooked creepos that they've done ripped off this here king for the last time!
:'''Tiff''': Well we don't believe a word you say!
:'''Meta Knight''': Do your duty, Chief.
:'''Chief Bookem''': I'm lockin' you up as non-combatant detainees.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': You think he was trying to tell me something.
:'''Escargoon''': He did sound awfully final.
:''[King Dedede and Escargoon screaming in shocked. And they hugged in panicking]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': I think we got ourselves a monster!
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, there must be some mistake. I didn't order no monster from ya!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': We sent this monster to you for free, Your Majesty.
:'''King Dedede''': Well I don't want no favors from ya, so just take it all back, ya hear?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': You ain't nothing but a cheap chizzlin' cheater and now we gonna settle the score with ya.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Can't we just talk this over?
:'''King Dedede''': It's too late! We just found your space fortress and now we gonna make a sneak attack!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Thanks for the tip off, Big D. ''[to the other members of N.M.E.]'' Prepare for attack. Launch all Destraya ships immediately! ''[signs out]''
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, that chump just hung up on me!
:'''Tiff''': You're the one who's the chump!
:'''Tuff''': Thanks to you, they know our whole plan now.
:'''Escargoon''': ''[he and Dedede are shocked by what Tiff &amp; Tuff just said]'' That sales guy just tricked you again, sire.
:'''King Dedede''': ''[Laughs]'' Least I don't have to pay that phone bill.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gus''': They got thousands of those flyin' hub-cabs!
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Maybe we should go back while there's still time.
:'''Chief Bookem''': I agree. There's no way we can win this.
:'''Meta Knight''': We will not retreat. We must enter the fortress and fight to the finish!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[three Destraya ships suddenly attack the other Destraya ships to everybody's amazement]''
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': What's going on? They're fighting each other.
:'''Tuff''': And they're not attackin' us.
:'''Tiff''': What's eNeMeE up to now?
:'''Meta Knight''': We are not fighting this battle alone.
:'''Knuckle Joe''': ''[turns on his screen to contact the Halberd crew]'' Hey, how's it going, gang?
:'''Tiff''': Knuckle Joe!
:'''Knuckle Joe''': I took over a Destraya and was hoping you'd let me join your party.
:'''Sirica''': ''[her screen comes on as well]'' Do you remember me? I came along to help, too.
:'''Tiff''': Hey, that's Sirica!
:'''Kirby''': Poyo!
:'''Sirica''': Knuckle Joe and I have become friends now and we're teaming up to help you defeat eNeMeE.
:'''Sir Arthur''': ''[his and his knights' screen comes on as well]'' And we will be joining the battle as well.
:'''Meta Knight''': Arthur, and the rest of the Star Warriors!
:'''Sir Arthur''': We were able to raid the fortress and commandeer some Destraya ships. We will clear the way for you to enter the fortress so you and Kirby can challenge eNeMeE.
:'''Meta Knight''': It'll be an honor.
:'''Kirby''': Poyo.
:'''Knuckle Joe''': But right now, just sit back and let us handle that fleet.
:'''Sirica''': Now onto victory!
:'''Sir Arthur''': Full speed ahead!
:''[the three Destrayas that Knuckle Joe, Sirica, Sir Arthur and his knights stole destroy the other Destrayas]''
:'''Tiff''': They destroyed the enemy ships!
:'''Meta Knight''': Yes! Now we can enter the fortress. Set sail for liftoff! ''[the Halberd blasts its way past more Destrayas and successfully enters the entrance to Nightmare's fortress]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chief Bookem''': It's awful quiet.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': I wonder why nobody's attacking us.
:'''Tuff''': Maybe they've given up.
:'''Sword Knight''': Detecting something big, closing fast.
:'''Tiff''': Look there!
:'''Kirby''': Pooo...
:''[Nightmare, finally stepping out of the shadows after 98 episodes, makes himself known to the Halberd crew through a giant projection of himself]''
:'''Meta Knight''': eNeMeE...
:'''Nightmare''': Heh. It was a mistake to come here, Kirby. As you can see, you and your puny band of Star Warriors pose no threat to me. Challenging me is the last mistake you will ever make!
:'''Kirby''': Poyo!
:''[Nightmare laughs evilly]''
:'''Meta Knight''': Follow him.

== [Episode 100] Fright to the Finish ([Episode 100] 飛べ! 星のカービィ) ==
:'''Tiff''': Meta Knight, those blasts went right through him.
:'''Meta Knight''': He has led us into a trap!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Escargoon''': I guess Kirby's gonna beat us once and for all, Sire.
:''[Dedede's cell phone starts ringing]''
:'''King Dedede''': What's that sound?
:'''Escargoon''': Your phone. ''[Dedede pulls out his phone and struggles to catch it]'' Ugh, that music's annoying. I wish you'd put it on vibrate. ''[Dedede catches his phone]''
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Hey there! Are you ready to surrender yet, Your Majesty?
:'''Escargoon''': You bet we are.
:'''King Dedede''': I ain't never gonna wave no white flag!
:'''Escargoon''': Forget His Highness. Can you at least save me?
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': If you'd like to negotiate, you'll have to speak with my boss. ''[reveals Nightmare, who hypnotizes both Dedede and Escargoon]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sword Knight''': ''[using King Dedede's cell phone that he dropped to track the signal]'' The signal's coming from up there.
:'''Gus''': Must be the command center.
:'''Dr. Yabui''': That's where they control the fortress.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Hey, let's set up a blast up there and wreck the place. That'll stop eNeMeE!
:'''Tuff''': Yeah, but who can do it?
:'''Tokkori''': It's your idea, so you oughtta go.
:''[Chef Kawasaki gasps]''
:'''Kit Cosmos''': ''[laughs heartily]'' Don't worry. I'm comin' along to provide backup support.
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': I wish I never cooked up this idea.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Thanks for the special delivery.
:'''King Dedede''': I know that voice. You're the sales dude!
:'''Escargoon''': We've never actually seen you in person before.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Well you're in for a little surprise. ''[turns his chair around, and, to the surprise of Tiff, Dedede, and Escargoon, reveals that he has stubby feet similar to other Kirby characters and is only about as tall as Escargoon]''
:'''King Dedede''': You look a lot taller on the TV screen.
:'''Escargoon''': You're almost as shrimpy as Kirby.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': Hohohohoho! I may be shrimpy, but I'm a whale of a salesman. And now, we'll take the kid. ''[Nightmare grabs Tiff]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nightmare''': It's too late, child. Kirby is about to face his worst nightmare...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': ''[evilly laughs]'' Kirby's falling right into our trap, thanks to you.
:'''King Dedede''': Hold it! We've got a problem here.
:'''Escargoon''': We could use some refreshments.
:'''King Dedede''': Yeah. How about showing us some grinditude with some grub?
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': I'm afraid I can't help you fellas. There's no kitchen in the command center.
:'''Escargoon''': We'll call Kawasaki!
:'''King Dedede''': Oooh! ''[laughs and grabs the microphone]'' Yo, Kawasaki! Whip me up a little something and rush it to me right away!
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': Here you go, sire! Liver and spinach surprise.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': How'd he get in here!?
:'''King Dedede''': Oh boy! Home cooking! ''(sits down to eat Kawasaki's cooking and enjoys it)'' Mmm. This here dish is delish! Go on. Have a bite.
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': No thanks, I'm not...
:'''King Dedede''': ''[shoves the liver into the N.M.E. Sales Guy's mouth]'' You're gonna love it! ''[laughs]''
:'''Escargoon''': ''[as the N.M.E. Sales Guy turns around, unable to handle the taste of Kawasaki's cooking]'' Bet ya never tasted anything like that!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nightmare''': This is checkmate, Kirby. The game is up!
:'''Tiff''': You brought Kirby here because this is where you make nightmares! But he's not afraid of you and your tricks.
:'''Nightmare''': We shall see about that! Before this match is over, you will both learn the force of my power. ''[evilly laughs]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Meta Knight''': We can use the monster delivery system here to deliver us home.
:'''Tokkori''': You don't seriously expect us to use that contraption, do ya?
:'''Kit Cosmos''': Hm. It's worth a try.
:'''Meta Knight''': But it is close to the place where you planted that bomb.
:''[the rest of the crew gasp]''
:'''Chef Kawasaki''': We have to go back?
:'''Meta Knight''': Yes, and we do not have a moment to lose!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nightmare''': He has used up all of his energy. Kirby is now completely helpless. I can crush him with little effort... But first, some fun! I shall enter Kirby's sleep and give him a nightmare, and you can join him. This dream will be a real scream!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Nightmare''': ''[screams in terror as Kirby surrounds him with a barrage of stars from the Star Rod]'' No! How did Kirby discover the secret? That pitiful little Star Warrior has found my only weakness. I am helpless against the power of the Star Rod!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': eNeMeE is really a living nightmare, so the only place you could beat him was inside a dream. Good work, Kirby! You are the only Star Warrior who gets the secret of the Star Rod and can use it against eNeMeE!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': ''[About Tuff, Meta Knight, and the Cappies]'' We better go look for the others now.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tiff''': Hi, everybody!
:'''Tuff''': Hey, Tiff!
:'''Tiff''': Kirby battled eNeMeE and he beat him!
:''[everyone cheers now that they've heard the good news]''
:'''Tiff''': Where are you guys going?
:'''Tuff''': The Halberd was blown away. We have to escape before our bomb goes off!
:''[Tiff and Kirby gasp upon hearing Tuff's own fair share of news]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''King Dedede''': ''[laughs]'' That liver sure made you shiver!
:'''N.M.E. Sales Guy''': ''[brushing his teeth to get the taste of Kawasaki's cooking out of his mouth]'' I was completely disgusted!
:'''Escargoon''': Now you know how we feel about you!
:''[both laugh until they are suddenly interrupted by the Halberd's crew barging into the command center]''
:'''Mayor Len Blustergas''': There's the monster delivery system!
:'''King Dedede''': Hey, what's goin' on?!
:'''Chief Bookem''': Kirby beat eNeMeE and now we're gonna destroy this place!
:'''King Dedede''': No way!
:''[the N.M.E. Sales Guy gasps in shock and terror after having heard what Chief Bookem just said and makes a run for it]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sir Arthur''': Kirby and his crew have actually done it.
:'''Knuckle Joe''': I hope they had time to...get away.
:'''Sirica''': Good luck, my friends.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Last line, series finale; the sun rises over the horizon and the people look on at the fully-rebuilt Cappy Town happily]''
:'''Mayor Len''': Cappy Town's as beautiful as ever.
:'''Mabel''': It was hard work, but we rebuilt it together.
:'''Tiff''': Everything's back to normal.
:'''Escargoon''': Except for the castle...''[he and King Dedede look at the still-damaged Castle Dedede]'' It's still a wreck.
:'''King Dedede''': And I ain't even got me a way to order me no more monsters.
:'''Meta Knight''': ''[holds Dedede's cell phone out]'' What about this?
:'''King Dedede''': Ah! Gimme!
:''[King Dedede turns his cell phone on only to find its monitor all fuzzed out due to the destruction of Nightmare's fortress and the command center that was inside it, and he and Escargoon sigh in sadness. Tiff, Tuff, &amp; Kirby laugh at the two and then look back at Cappy Town]''
:'''Tiff''': And so Kirby saved the galaxy and proved himself to be the greatest Star Warrior of all... and life in Dream Land went back to normal. But I suppose that with Kirby around, life will always be an adventure. Isn't that right, Kirby?
:'''Kirby''': Puuu... Poyo!

== English Voice Cast ==
:[[w:Makiko Ohmoto|Makiko Ohmoto]] (Japanese voice kept) – Kirby and Kirbysaurus (Ep 76)
:[[w:Kerry Williams|Kerry Williams]] – Tiff and Tiffasaurus (Ep 76)
:[[w:Kayzie Rogers|Kayzie Rogers]] – Tuff, Lady Like, Hana, Honey, and Tuffadactyl (Ep 76)
:[[w:Ted Lewis|Ted Lewis]] – King Dedede, Escargoon, Escargoon's Mother, Amon, D-Rex (Ep 75-76), Escarsaurus (Ep 76), Escar-Droid, Rekketsu (Ep 83), Crowmon (Ep 87), and Maimaigoon (Ep 88)
:[[w:Eric Stuart|Eric Stuart]] – Meta Knight, Gus, Sword Knight, Blade Knight, Coo, Slice n' Splice, and Yamikage
:[[w:Andrew Rannells|Andrew Rannells]] – Chief Bookem (75–100), Nightmare, Rick, Benikage, Max Flexer, and Bookemsaurus (Ep 76)
:[[w:Maddie Blaustein|Maddie Blaustein]] – Chef Kawasaki, Gengu, Tuggle, Biblio, Waddle Doo, Mr. Curio, Melman, Hardy, Kawasakisaurus (Ep 76), and Bonkers
:[[w:Mike Pollock|Mike Pollock]] – Mayor Len, Samo, Kit Cosmos, Chef Shittake, Lensaurus (Ep 76) and Samosaurus (Ep 76)
:[[w:Amy Birnbaum|Amy Birnbaum]] – Kirby (speaking parts in early episodes), Spikehead and Mabel
:[[w:David Lapkin|David Lapkin]] – Sir Ebrum, Dr. Yabui, Mr. Chip (Ep 83), and Dis Walney (Ep 89)
:[[w:Veronica Taylor|Veronica Taylor]] – Rowlin and Sirica
:[[w:Darren Dunstan|Darren Dunstan]] – Kine and Dr. Moro
:[[w:Jerry Lobozzo|Jerry Lobozzo]] – Chief Bookem (1–75)
:[[w:Tara Jayne|Tara Jayne]] – Fololo, Falala, Princess Rona, and Commander Vee
:[[w:Dan Green|Dan Green]] – NME Salesman and Whispy Woods
:[[w:Kevin Kolack|Kevin Kolack]] – Tokkori, Knuckle Joe
:[[w:Jim Napolitano|Jim Napolitano]] – Kabu and Iro
:[[w:James Carter Cathcart|James Carter Cathcart]] – Sir Gallant
:[[w:Lisa Ortiz|Lisa Ortiz]] – Buttercup, Mabel, and Lovely

== Japanese Voice Cast ==

{{Wikipedia}}
:[[w:Makiko Ohmoto|Makiko Ohmoto]] – Kirby, Hohhe, and Rick
:[[w:Sayuri Yoshida|Sayuri Yoshida]] – Fumu
:[[w:Rika Komatsu|Rika Komatsu]] – Bun 
:[[w:Kenichi Ogata (voice actor)|Kenichi Ogata]] – King Dedede
:[[w:Naoki Tatsuta|Naoki Tatsuta]] – Escargon
:[[w:Atsushi Kisaichi|Atsushi Kisaichi]] – Sir Meta Knight and Chief Borun
:[[w:Yuko Mizutani|Yuko Mizutani]] – Memu, Mabel, Waddle Doo, Lovely, Mini-Galbo, Walky, Phan-Phan, and Devil Frog
:[[w:Takashi Nagasako|Takashi Nagasako]] – Parm, Mayor Len, Professor Curio, and Beat 
:[[w:Chiro Kanzaki|Chiro Kanzaki]] – Lololo, Blade Knight, Kana, Iroo and Coo
:[[w:Madoka Akita|Madoka Akita]] – Lalala, Sato, Honey, Iroo's Mother, Princess Rona, Scarfy, and The Twin Nuts
:[[w:Osamu Hosoi|Osamu Hosoi]] – Gus, Whispy Woods, and Kittari Hattari
:[[w:Banjo Ginga|Banjo Ginga]] – Customer Service and Nightmare
:[[w:Fujiko Takimoto|Fujiko Takimoto]] – Tokkori and Honey's Mother 
:[[w:Hiroshi Naka|Hiroshi Naka]] – Dakonyo and Dr. Moro
:[[w:Isshin Chiba|Isshin Chiba]] – Yamikage and Monsieur Goan
:[[w:Kazunori Sekine|Kazunori Sekine]] – Dr. Yabui and Bibli
:[[w:Mizuki Saito|Mizuki Saito]] – Gangu and Tago
:[[w:Bin Shimada|Bin Shimada]] – Quixano
:[[w:Hikaru Tokita|Hikaru Tokita]] – Sword Knight
:[[w:Junichi Sugawara|Junichi Sugawara]] – Cook Osaka
:[[w:Kazue Ikura|Kazue Ikura]] – Broom King
:[[w:Keiko Yamamoto|Keiko Yamamoto]] – Escargon's Mother
:[[w:Minami Takayama|Minami Takayama]] – Knuckle Joe
:[[w:Kumiko Watanabe|Kumiko Watanabe]] – Benikage
:[[w:Norio Tsuboi|Norio Tsuboi]] – Chef Nagoya
:[[w:Shigeru Nakahara|Shigeru Nakahara]] – Mr. Chip
:[[w:Tomoe Hanba|Tomoe Hanba]] – Silica
:[[w:Tomomichi Nishimura|Tomomichi Nishimura]] – Master Bacteria
:[[w:Yuko Sasamoto|Yuko Sasamoto]] – Vee (Princess Rona)
:[[w:Yumi Toma|Yumi Toma]] – Rowlin

[[Category:Fantasy TV shows]]
[[Category:Anime]]
[[Category:Japanese TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:FOX shows]]</text>
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    <title>Littlest Pet Shop (2012 TV series)</title>
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'''''[[w:Littlest Pet Shop (2012 TV series)|Littlest Pet Shop]]''''' is a children's animated television series. Based on the Littlest Pet Shop and Blythe toys owned by Hasbro, the show follows a Blythe Baxter, a teenage girl who, after moving into an apartment in a metropolitan area, gains the ability to communicate with animals. Located below her apartment is the eponymous pet store where Blythe works and talks to a group of pets who regularly reside at a day care in the shop. Worried that a corrupt rival business will drive their shop out of business, the pets depend on Blythe to drive business into the store with her pet fashion designs.

==Season 1 (2012-13)==
===Blythe's Big Adventure Part 1===
:'''Blythe''': Now this is an adventure!
----
:'''Pepper Clark''': Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?!
----
:'''Minka Mark''': Oh good. She can sit up. SHE'S FINE!
:'''Blythe''': Eek! Talking monkey! What is happening to me? Animals are speaking, and... I can understand them!
:'''Russel Ferguson''': Wait. Did you say you... understand us?
:[The pets gasp]
----
:'''Vinnie Terrio''': I think that giant head of hers got the worst of it...
----
:'''Boy Chihuahua''': I like you, you crazy!
----
:'''Blythe''': How'd you guys get up here?
:'''Vinnie''': Eh, we took the up-and-down box thingy.
:'''Pepper Clark''': &quot;Dumbwaiter&quot;.
:'''Vinnie''': What'd you just call me?

===Blythe's Big Adventure Part 2===
:'''Blythe''': Mrs. Twombly, I've got a surefire idea for saving Littlest Pet Shop!
:'''Zoe''': *trying to listen* Blythe said that she's sure to set fire to the pet shop!

===Bad Hair Day===
:'''Minka''': Hey, where did my fantasy go?!
----
:'''Russell''': Heeeey! Uh, Minka, can we talk?
:'''Minka''': Of course we can! You couldn't ask your question if you couldn't talk, and I couldn't answer your question if I couldn't talk! So yeah, we can talk!!!
----
:'''Penny Ling''': I wanted to call it &quot;Minka Inka&quot;!

===Gailbreak===
:'''Gail''': Oh, let me guess, you mistook me for someone else. Again...
:'''Blythe, Minka, Sunil, Vinnie, Russell, Pepper, and Penny''': *shocked* Again?!?!
:'''Gail''': Oh, Zoe, what are we going to do with you?
:'''Zoe''': I'll tell you what were gonna do...we're gonna DAAAAANCE!
----
:'''Brittany''': Ugh seriously. He needs to go like, green.
:'''Whittany''': Brittany, he's electric. He's already green.
:'''Brittany''': Oh...then he needs to go like, a different color.
----
:'''Blythe''': He's frozen. Any ideas, Russell?
:'''Russell''': Well, from what I know of Sunil, he may be a terrified coward with no belief in himself but there is one way to bring out his inner hero.
:'''Blythe''': *over the headset* Sunil, I want you to listen to me closely. There are COBRAS inside that store. *Sunil's eyes snap open and his pupils contract* Do you hear me? Cobras.
:'''Sunil''': *over the walkie-talkie* Did... Did you just say that cobras are inside?
:'''Blythe''': Well, not exactly... But when you look in there, instead of pet toys and food, I want you to see cobras. 
:'''Sunil''': *stands with determination and narrowed eyes* I... Hate... Cobras.

===Mean Isn't Your Color===
:'''Penny Ling''': Leave me alone! *roars*
----
:'''Blythe''': Give it up dad, reverse psychology doesn't work on her. Neither does normal psychology. She's...different.
:'''Youngmee''':  I prefer the term &quot;special&quot;.
----
:'''Vinnie''': Try not to damage the lizard!
----

===Russell Up Some Fun===
:'''Russell''': *Testing some squeaker toys* Loud, loud, soft, loud, soft, loud, broken...
:'''Pepper''': A-da-na-na-na whoo! A-da-na-na-na hit me! A-da-na-na-na over here!
:'''Russell''': STOP! You could poke someone's eye out with that!
:'''Other pets''':  Boo!!!
:'''Pepper''': Seriously?
:'''Russell''': Yes, I'm confiscating this.
:'''Pepper''': Oh, come on Russell. It's a gag rubber arrow. We're just having a little fun.

===Blythe's Crush===
:'''Sue''': You can do it too, just lift your foot.
:'''Blythe''': Uh, I don't think so, you're the jock, I'm the designer, remember?
:'''Sue''': *annoyed* Foot, now.
----
:'''Zoe''': Oh no! This is terrible! Sunil! I'm experiencing a wardrobe malfunction!
:'''Sunil''': I don't know what you're talking about, Zoe.
:'''Zoe''': My beret is missing! That's what I'm talking about! It has simply disappeared! Vanished! It's gone, baby, gone!
:'''Sunil''': *glances up to see her beret on her head* ...Are you serious?
:'''Zoe''': As a deer tick!
:'''Sunil''': Riiiiight... Look, Zoe, I'm really busy right now practicing my psychic powers-
:'''Zoe''': That's IT! Sunil, you can use your psychic powers to help me find my beret!
:'''Sunil''': ...I am not being pinked, or punked, or whatever it is, am I?
:'''Zoe''': Now I don't know what you're talking about.
:'''Sunil''': Well, Zoe, your beret is-
:'''Zoe''': LOST! But if we both close our eyes and concentrate, maybe you'll get a vision of where it is?
:'''Sunil''': Alright, I'll play along. *pretends to use his psychic powers and when Zoe copies him he plucks it from her head* Zoe, you can open your eyes now.
:'''Zoe''': *gasps* My beret! Sunil, you really do have psychic powers!
:'''Sunil''': Well, actually, I could see it.
:'''Zoe''': You could see it in your mind's eye! You have an amazing gift. Everyone, come here! Sunil just used his psychic powers to find my beret! Isn't that fantastic? 
:'''Sunil''': *begins to look uncomfortable* Zoe, the truth is-
:'''Zoe''': The truth is you have mad skills. You're the real thing, Sunil.
----
:'''Zoe''': Hey, maybe Sunil can help you. He can find anything and probably anyone. He's psychic, you know.
:'''Blythe''': You're psychic, Sunil? That's so cool!
:'''Sunil''': Eh, Zoe is exaggerating my gift.
:'''Zoe''': Don't be so humble. He just found my beret in two seconds flat. I'm sure he could easily find you your boyfriend.
:'''Blythe''': He's not my boyfriend! *laughs nervously* I don't even know his name. I just wanna return his keys. 
:'''Sunil''': That's not enough to go on! Oh well, wish I could've helped! Who wants to raid the food dish with me, hm? *begins to walk away*
:'''Zoe''': *grabs his hand and pulls him back* Sunil, just try your swarmy thing. It couldn't hurt. Do it for love?
:'''Blythe''': I'm not in love!
:'''Sunil''': Well, I'll try, but please don't expect too much. It doesn't always work.
:'''Zoe''': He's just being modest. Go on, Sunil.
:'''Blythe''': *Sunil attempts to use his psychic powers but falls asleep and begins snoring* Sunil! 
:'''Sunil''': *is startled awake* AAH! Oh! Uh, oh! *concentrates and this time we see what he is seeing, a faint image of a street corner* Oh, I see something!
:'''Blythe''': What is it?
:'''Sunil''': Um, the corner of Maple and Main. 
:'''Blythe''': That's not too far from here! Maybe I could still catch him.
:'''Sunil''': Wait, Blythe! I'm not totally sure that's where your boyfriend is!
:'''Blythe''': First, he is not my boyfriend. And second, I have complete faith in you, Sunil. If you've got a vision of Maple and Main, then it's worth checking out! I mean... I've just gotta get that poor boy his keys!
----
:'''Sunil''': Not only did I sent Blythe on a wild goose chase, we're on one too!
:'''Minka''': We're not gooses! 
----
:'''Sunil''': Blythe, I have a confession to make. I really didn't find you using any psychic skills. I just opened my eyes and there you were. I don't think that I have any psychic abilities.
:'''Blythe''': Oh, I don't know about that, Sunil. You guided everyone here to the park where I was. That took some mad psychic skills!
:'''Sunil''': Yes, I suppose you are right! Hm, but still.
:'''Blythe''': What is it?
:'''Sunil''': I DID start you on this whole wild goose chase by sending you to Maple and Main to find that boy who wasn't there! What kind of psychic would do that?
:'''Blythe''': An amazing one! Look! You had the right boy and the right street corner! You were just a little off on the time. 
:'''Sunil''': *pulls out a deck of cards and looks them over before glancing back at Blythe* Ehh, numbers aren't really my thing. *flings the cards everywhere*

===Dumb Dumbwaiter===
:'''Vinnie''': If you're a guy, you're the pet who's the best!

:'''Sunil''': Oh, what can I say? Musical theater was never my strong suit...

:'''Minka''': I need space! Above me, and around me, and I don't have that, and that's bad, because...I'M A SPACE MONKEY!&quot;

:'''Vinnie''': This is the life, ain't it? No bossy girls around to tell us what to do. 
:'''Russell''': Yup.
:'''Sunil''': Indeed, this ain't the life, of this I am certain. Bossy or not, I do miss the girls.
:'''Russell''': ...Why?
:'''Sunil''': Why you ask? Well... Yes, well... *gets really nervous* I don't know why, okay? It just seemed like the right thing to say! For a moment I wished to appear sensitive and caring, is that so wrong?!

===Eve of Destruction===
===Books and Covers===
:'''Blythe''': Whittany! Thank goodness. Where's Brittany?
:'''Whittany''': The shirt made her itch because it's got something called polyester in it, and now she has, like, a rash. It's embarrassing.
:'''Blythe''': So, where is she?
:'''Whittany''': She's hiding in the bathroom, duh. I need to get her some cream for problem skin, and thought you'd, like, have some.
:'''Blythe''': I do not!
----
:''[At the end of the episode...]''
:'''Brittany''': ''[from inside the girls' bathroom]'' Hello! Whittany! I'm still, like, itchy!

===So You Skink You Can Dance===
'''Vinnie''': Shake A Leg

===Lights, Camera, Mongoose===
===Topped with Buttercream===
'''Buttercream''': Aw, Penny Ling, you're the &quot;skoosh-ta-booshi-est&quot; of all the &quot;skoosh-ta-boosh-es&quot;!
'''Penny Ling''': *Confused* what?
'''Buttercream''': *Also confused* What? *Winds up, then calms down* anywho...
===Trading Places===
'''Vinnie''': Y'all will just have to cover for the little guy

===Sweet Truck Ride===
:'''Roger''': A ticket?! I don't understand why you'd act so irresponsibly.

:'''Blythe''': I know it seems like I did, Dad, but I didn't drive the truck.

:'''Roger''': Christie checked the truck out and there's nothing wrong with it mechanically. So what else could've happen?

:'''Blythe''': I told you already, it was the pets!

:'''Roger''': I wanna believe you, Blythe. I know how honest and reliable you are, but you can't expect me to believe that the pets took the truck for a drive.

:'''Blythe''': Not intentionally. It was a--

:'''Roger''': I know, a chain reaction.

:'''Blythe''': That's exactly right!

:'''Roger''': How could you possibly know that?

:'''Blythe''': Because they told me... (Roger looks skeptical) Uh, I mean... I can't tell you.

:'''Roger''': (looks at his figure, Buddy and lowers his head down) Well, in that case, you leave me no choice. You're grounded. And hand over your smartphone.

:'''Blythe''': &quot;Grounded?!&quot; You mean, (gives Roger her smartphone) no father/daughter picnic?

:'''Roger''': And...(sighs) No three-legged race. Believe me, it hurts me more than it hurts you. (leaves her room, but his figure, Buddy got stuck in the door) (grunts) (opens the door) Oh, and you'll help rebake all the treats that were destroyed on your little joyride. (closes the door, but Buddy got stuck again) Oh, come on! (opens the door and finally closes it)

:'''Blythe''': (sighs)

===Helicopter Dad===
===What's in the batter===
===What Did You Say?===
:'''Roger''': Listen to the weird possible side effects! May impair to juggle, knit sweaters, properly polish silver, rebuild car engines, wax surfboards, ride a unicycle, and the abiltiy to understand pets
:'''Blythe''': What?!
:'''Roger''': I know, nobody rides a unicycle anymore.

===Bakers and Fakers===
===Terriers and Tiaras===
===Lotsa Luck===
Pepper: Why did the chicken cross the road? To lay it on the line.
Ob -Old bananas: (clapping)
Pepper:Why didn't you tell me he was watching?!

===Door-Jammed===
===Frenemies===
===Blythe's Pet Project===
===Summertime Blues===

==Season 2 (2013-14)==
===The Nest Hats Craze===
:'''Russell''': Let Sunil try.
:'''Sunil''': What-what do I do? I just sit on it? I don't want to crack it. 
:'''Russell''': Don't worry, Sunil. Just sit down, it won't crack.
:'''Sunil''': *goes to sit but freezes* But what if it does crack? What if the baby chick hates me for cracking his home? I don't think I could live with that kind of guilt! *screams and leaps off the bedding* 
----
:'''Sunil''': *smacks the food out of Hubble's wings* NO! Russell, this is not how mama birds feed their newborn babies! 
:'''Russell''': Well, how do you know?
:'''Sunil''': *pulls a book out and opens it* Oh, I found this book over in the bird section. There's a whole chapter on feeding chicks.
:'''Russell''': *skeptically* Let me see that.
:'''Sunil''': Hmm... I don't want to show it to you.
:'''Russell''': Why not?
:'''Sunil''': Because I'm afraid you'll say, &quot;Eww, that is so gross!&quot; 
:'''Russell''': Oh, please! I'm a guy! Nothing grosses us out! Just give me the book.
:'''Sunil''': *hands him the book* Okay, you asked for it.
:'''Russell''': It says here that the mama bird chews her food and puts it right into the baby's mouth. Oh, there's even a picture. *immediately flings the book away from himself* Ewww! That is SO gross!
:'''Sunil''': What did I tell you?
:'''Russell''': Well, I am NOT doing that.

===Alligators And Handbags===
:'''Little Alligator''': Alright! You pets better come down or I'm coming up! Understand?!
:'''Russell''': You heard 'em, pets! armor up! (pulses flash revealing the pets in [[Power Ranger]]-like suits) Super Intelligence!
Minka: Super Long Arms And Legs!
Vinnie: And Super Slitheriness!
Pepper: Super Barrieable Stinklar!
Sunil: (quietly) Super Quietness!
Penny Ling: Super Niceness!
Zoe Trent: Super Fabulousness!
(Door opens)
Little Alligator: *growls* You think that's all you've got?
Zoe Trent: You can't bully us now, Lizard Lips! As long as we stand together!
(All the pets watch as the little alligator runs away whimpering)

===Blythe's Big Idea===
===Commercial Success===
'''Zoe''': *singing in the fantasy commercial while Sunil dances across the stage behind her* You've got money in your pocket that you wanna spend, come to Littlest Pet Shop and be a friend for all your pet shop needs!
'''Sunil''': *comes in off-screen* Supplies are all organic and gluten-free!
'''Minka''': Don't wait, just take a chance!
'''Vinnie''': Coming here will make you wanna sing and dance!
'''Pepper''': A day care for your pets!
'''Penny Ling''': Where we sing duets!
'''Russell''': And there's no regrets!
'''Vinnie''': Plus we sell fishing nets!
'''Russell''': Um, actually Vinnie, we don't sell fishing nets.
'''Vinnie''': Oh, well maybe we should!
'''Russell''': Not really a pet supply.
'''Vinnie''': Eh, fish are pets too.
'''Sunil''': He's got you there, Russell.
'''Russell''': Fine.
'''All the pets''': Just come to Littlest Pet Shop, yeah, come one all to Littlest Pet Shop!
'''Sunil''': Spend all your money at the Littlest Pet Shop!
'''All the pets''': Where we'll be your friend too!
'''Minka''': *commercial ends and all the pets grin at the viewer* We'll be right back after a word from our sponsor!

===So Interesting===
===To Paris With Zoe===
===Super Sunil===
:'''Sunil''': *about the Super Sam comic* Why don't we read it together?
:'''Blythe''': Hi guys! What's going on?
:'''Zoe''': *excitedly* I want to be Designer Dog! She has this special collar that gives her the power to create fabulous outfits.
:'''Blythe''': Is it because she looks like you, Zoe? 
:'''Sunil''': And I'll be El Cobra Cabra. He has this special insect pertracter that gives the strength of all insects. And Blythe, can you make us some costumes so we can act out the story and some special equipment?
----
:'''Blythe''': Penny Ling, aren't you going to take part? Cause, I've got a special surprise for you.
:'''Penny Ling''': A Pandamonium costume? Why did you make it for me?
----
:'''Blythe''': Penny Ling, everyone wants you to participate. Don't you want that?
:'''Penny Ling''': Yes, Oh, Blythe, Can I be Pandamonium? 
:'''Blythe''': Of course you can, Penny Ling.
:'''Penny Ling''': Oh, I'm not Penny Ling, I'm Pandamonium!
:'''Sunil''': Russell the brave little hedgehog has been taken away and hidden somewhere. But where?
:'''Pepper''': I don't know but with my super-hearing ears, I can hear him.
:'''Russell''': Help! Help!
:'''Pepper''': *gasp* I hear something!
----
:'''Sunil''': I better use my bug sight! *gasp* I can see! It's a cobra trio!
:'''Blythe''': So Pandamonium lassoed a branch.
:'''Penny Ling''': Oh, this is a job for... Pandamonium!
:'''Blythe''': And Elasti-Monkey stretched her tail, and they both swang across to rescue their good friend Russell. Da-da-dah!
:'''Russell''': Oh, Penny Ling! I mean Pandamonium! You saved me from the nasty cobra trio! You are my hero!
:'''Penny Ling''': Oh, Don't thank me, thank the League of Incredible Super Animals!
:'''everyone else''': *cheers*

===Sweet Pepper===
Pepper Clark: Hey, Zoe, I think you gave me a picture of a pretty skunk instead of a mirror.

Pepper Clark: And you don't think an arm punch will make him interested.

===Grounded===
:'''Russell''': I don't need a test to tell me that I'm a hedgehog. I mean, look at me - what else could I possibly be?
:'''Vinnie''': Porcupine? 
:'''Sunil''': Prickly rat?
:'''Pepper''': A pineapple?

===Inside Job===
===Littlest Bigfoot=== 
===Sunil's Sick Day===
:'''Zoe''': Sunil is sick.
:'''Pepper''': Surreal is lick.
:'''Russell''': Cereal smells ick.
:'''Minka''': Cira McDrick?
:'''Zoe''': Okay. What did I say?
:'''Penny Ling''': Cyril McFlip!
:'''Zoe''': Cyril McFlip?!
:'''Russell''': Who's Cyril McFlip? Is he a new pet here? Ugh, why am I always the last to know?!

:'''Blythe''': What do you think made you sick? Did you catch something from someone
:'''Sunil''': If by someone you mean Vinnie, then no. I would certainly did not catch it from him. He would never give me anything.
:'''Blythe''': Okay then. I actually wasn't thinking specifically about Vinnie.
:'''Sunil''': Vinnie this. Vinnie that! Could you please stop talking about Vinnie already?! (shoves some mangos into his mouth with a frown)

===The Hedgehog In The Plastic Bubble===

Pepper: Russell, This has been happening a lot lately.

Russell: How dare you! Prove It!

(Pepper, Vinnie, Sunil, Zoe and Minka turn around revealing bandages)

Russell: Wow, I stand corrected.

Minka: My quill collection is getting bigger and bigger!

Russell: Hey, I don't understand it! In the last few days, I've been losing so many quills for some reason.

===Standup Stinker===
===Shanghai Hi-Jinks===
===Plane It On Rio===
===The Expo Factor, Part 1===
===The Expo Factor, Part 2===
'''Mona Autumn''': ''(The Biskits have just been busted for cheating in the International Pet Fashion Expo, have been humiliated on national television and Mona has informed them that Fisher Biskit lied about making a second Largest Ever Pet Shop)'' the rotten apple doesn't fall very far from the tree, does it, girls?

== Season 3 (2014–15) ==
===Episode 12: The Very Littlest Pet Shop===
'''Mrs. Twombly''': Oh, I've never seen a slow loris before- or a ''fast'' one, for that matter.

==External links== 
{{Wikipedia|Littlest Pet Shop (2012 TV series)}}

[[Category:2010s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American workplace comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s Canadian animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Flash animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical TV shows]]
[[Category:Canadian children's animated adventure TV shows]]
[[Category:Canadian children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Canadian children's animated fantasy TV shows]]
[[Category:Canadian children's animated musical TV shows]]
[[Category:Canadian workplace comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Discovery Family shows]]
[[Category:YTV shows]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about hedgehogs]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about teenagers]]</text>
      <sha1>0wlkhwc0qnkehxo1ig4zqsikeh7ciwq</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153840</id>
      <parentid>3153838</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-12T07:10:47Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>82.13.179.91</ip>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="20216" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Littlest Pet Shop (2012 TV series)|Littlest Pet Shop]]''''' is a children's animated television series. Based on the Littlest Pet Shop and Blythe toys owned by Hasbro, the show follows a Blythe Baxter, a teenage girl who, after moving into an apartment in a metropolitan area, gains the ability to communicate with animals. Located below her apartment is the eponymous pet store where Blythe works and talks to a group of pets who regularly reside at a day care in the shop. Worried that a corrupt rival business will drive their shop out of business, the pets depend on Blythe to drive business into the store with her pet fashion designs.
This includes TG4 in Ireland, Pop in UK and CNBA1 in Japan.

==Season 1 (2012-13)==
===Blythe's Big Adventure Part 1===
:'''Blythe''': Now this is an adventure!
----
:'''Pepper Clark''': Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?!
----
:'''Minka Mark''': Oh good. She can sit up. SHE'S FINE!
:'''Blythe''': Eek! Talking monkey! What is happening to me? Animals are speaking, and... I can understand them!
:'''Russel Ferguson''': Wait. Did you say you... understand us?
:[The pets gasp]
----
:'''Vinnie Terrio''': I think that giant head of hers got the worst of it...
----
:'''Boy Chihuahua''': I like you, you crazy!
----
:'''Blythe''': How'd you guys get up here?
:'''Vinnie''': Eh, we took the up-and-down box thingy.
:'''Pepper Clark''': &quot;Dumbwaiter&quot;.
:'''Vinnie''': What'd you just call me?

===Blythe's Big Adventure Part 2===
:'''Blythe''': Mrs. Twombly, I've got a surefire idea for saving Littlest Pet Shop!
:'''Zoe''': *trying to listen* Blythe said that she's sure to set fire to the pet shop!

===Bad Hair Day===
:'''Minka''': Hey, where did my fantasy go?!
----
:'''Russell''': Heeeey! Uh, Minka, can we talk?
:'''Minka''': Of course we can! You couldn't ask your question if you couldn't talk, and I couldn't answer your question if I couldn't talk! So yeah, we can talk!!!
----
:'''Penny Ling''': I wanted to call it &quot;Minka Inka&quot;!

===Gailbreak===
:'''Gail''': Oh, let me guess, you mistook me for someone else. Again...
:'''Blythe, Minka, Sunil, Vinnie, Russell, Pepper, and Penny''': *shocked* Again?!?!
:'''Gail''': Oh, Zoe, what are we going to do with you?
:'''Zoe''': I'll tell you what were gonna do...we're gonna DAAAAANCE!
----
:'''Brittany''': Ugh seriously. He needs to go like, green.
:'''Whittany''': Brittany, he's electric. He's already green.
:'''Brittany''': Oh...then he needs to go like, a different color.
----
:'''Blythe''': He's frozen. Any ideas, Russell?
:'''Russell''': Well, from what I know of Sunil, he may be a terrified coward with no belief in himself but there is one way to bring out his inner hero.
:'''Blythe''': *over the headset* Sunil, I want you to listen to me closely. There are COBRAS inside that store. *Sunil's eyes snap open and his pupils contract* Do you hear me? Cobras.
:'''Sunil''': *over the walkie-talkie* Did... Did you just say that cobras are inside?
:'''Blythe''': Well, not exactly... But when you look in there, instead of pet toys and food, I want you to see cobras. 
:'''Sunil''': *stands with determination and narrowed eyes* I... Hate... Cobras.

===Mean Isn't Your Color===
:'''Penny Ling''': Leave me alone! *roars*
----
:'''Blythe''': Give it up dad, reverse psychology doesn't work on her. Neither does normal psychology. She's...different.
:'''Youngmee''':  I prefer the term &quot;special&quot;.
----
:'''Vinnie''': Try not to damage the lizard!
----

===Russell Up Some Fun===
:'''Russell''': *Testing some squeaker toys* Loud, loud, soft, loud, soft, loud, broken...
:'''Pepper''': A-da-na-na-na whoo! A-da-na-na-na hit me! A-da-na-na-na over here!
:'''Russell''': STOP! You could poke someone's eye out with that!
:'''Other pets''':  Boo!!!
:'''Pepper''': Seriously?
:'''Russell''': Yes, I'm confiscating this.
:'''Pepper''': Oh, come on Russell. It's a gag rubber arrow. We're just having a little fun.

===Blythe's Crush===
:'''Sue''': You can do it too, just lift your foot.
:'''Blythe''': Uh, I don't think so, you're the jock, I'm the designer, remember?
:'''Sue''': *annoyed* Foot, now.
----
:'''Zoe''': Oh no! This is terrible! Sunil! I'm experiencing a wardrobe malfunction!
:'''Sunil''': I don't know what you're talking about, Zoe.
:'''Zoe''': My beret is missing! That's what I'm talking about! It has simply disappeared! Vanished! It's gone, baby, gone!
:'''Sunil''': *glances up to see her beret on her head* ...Are you serious?
:'''Zoe''': As a deer tick!
:'''Sunil''': Riiiiight... Look, Zoe, I'm really busy right now practicing my psychic powers-
:'''Zoe''': That's IT! Sunil, you can use your psychic powers to help me find my beret!
:'''Sunil''': ...I am not being pinked, or punked, or whatever it is, am I?
:'''Zoe''': Now I don't know what you're talking about.
:'''Sunil''': Well, Zoe, your beret is-
:'''Zoe''': LOST! But if we both close our eyes and concentrate, maybe you'll get a vision of where it is?
:'''Sunil''': Alright, I'll play along. *pretends to use his psychic powers and when Zoe copies him he plucks it from her head* Zoe, you can open your eyes now.
:'''Zoe''': *gasps* My beret! Sunil, you really do have psychic powers!
:'''Sunil''': Well, actually, I could see it.
:'''Zoe''': You could see it in your mind's eye! You have an amazing gift. Everyone, come here! Sunil just used his psychic powers to find my beret! Isn't that fantastic? 
:'''Sunil''': *begins to look uncomfortable* Zoe, the truth is-
:'''Zoe''': The truth is you have mad skills. You're the real thing, Sunil.
----
:'''Zoe''': Hey, maybe Sunil can help you. He can find anything and probably anyone. He's psychic, you know.
:'''Blythe''': You're psychic, Sunil? That's so cool!
:'''Sunil''': Eh, Zoe is exaggerating my gift.
:'''Zoe''': Don't be so humble. He just found my beret in two seconds flat. I'm sure he could easily find you your boyfriend.
:'''Blythe''': He's not my boyfriend! *laughs nervously* I don't even know his name. I just wanna return his keys. 
:'''Sunil''': That's not enough to go on! Oh well, wish I could've helped! Who wants to raid the food dish with me, hm? *begins to walk away*
:'''Zoe''': *grabs his hand and pulls him back* Sunil, just try your swarmy thing. It couldn't hurt. Do it for love?
:'''Blythe''': I'm not in love!
:'''Sunil''': Well, I'll try, but please don't expect too much. It doesn't always work.
:'''Zoe''': He's just being modest. Go on, Sunil.
:'''Blythe''': *Sunil attempts to use his psychic powers but falls asleep and begins snoring* Sunil! 
:'''Sunil''': *is startled awake* AAH! Oh! Uh, oh! *concentrates and this time we see what he is seeing, a faint image of a street corner* Oh, I see something!
:'''Blythe''': What is it?
:'''Sunil''': Um, the corner of Maple and Main. 
:'''Blythe''': That's not too far from here! Maybe I could still catch him.
:'''Sunil''': Wait, Blythe! I'm not totally sure that's where your boyfriend is!
:'''Blythe''': First, he is not my boyfriend. And second, I have complete faith in you, Sunil. If you've got a vision of Maple and Main, then it's worth checking out! I mean... I've just gotta get that poor boy his keys!
----
:'''Sunil''': Not only did I sent Blythe on a wild goose chase, we're on one too!
:'''Minka''': We're not gooses! 
----
:'''Sunil''': Blythe, I have a confession to make. I really didn't find you using any psychic skills. I just opened my eyes and there you were. I don't think that I have any psychic abilities.
:'''Blythe''': Oh, I don't know about that, Sunil. You guided everyone here to the park where I was. That took some mad psychic skills!
:'''Sunil''': Yes, I suppose you are right! Hm, but still.
:'''Blythe''': What is it?
:'''Sunil''': I DID start you on this whole wild goose chase by sending you to Maple and Main to find that boy who wasn't there! What kind of psychic would do that?
:'''Blythe''': An amazing one! Look! You had the right boy and the right street corner! You were just a little off on the time. 
:'''Sunil''': *pulls out a deck of cards and looks them over before glancing back at Blythe* Ehh, numbers aren't really my thing. *flings the cards everywhere*

===Dumb Dumbwaiter===
:'''Vinnie''': If you're a guy, you're the pet who's the best!

:'''Sunil''': Oh, what can I say? Musical theater was never my strong suit...

:'''Minka''': I need space! Above me, and around me, and I don't have that, and that's bad, because...I'M A SPACE MONKEY!&quot;

:'''Vinnie''': This is the life, ain't it? No bossy girls around to tell us what to do. 
:'''Russell''': Yup.
:'''Sunil''': Indeed, this ain't the life, of this I am certain. Bossy or not, I do miss the girls.
:'''Russell''': ...Why?
:'''Sunil''': Why you ask? Well... Yes, well... *gets really nervous* I don't know why, okay? It just seemed like the right thing to say! For a moment I wished to appear sensitive and caring, is that so wrong?!

===Eve of Destruction===
===Books and Covers===
:'''Blythe''': Whittany! Thank goodness. Where's Brittany?
:'''Whittany''': The shirt made her itch because it's got something called polyester in it, and now she has, like, a rash. It's embarrassing.
:'''Blythe''': So, where is she?
:'''Whittany''': She's hiding in the bathroom, duh. I need to get her some cream for problem skin, and thought you'd, like, have some.
:'''Blythe''': I do not!
----
:''[At the end of the episode...]''
:'''Brittany''': ''[from inside the girls' bathroom]'' Hello! Whittany! I'm still, like, itchy!

===So You Skink You Can Dance===
'''Vinnie''': Shake A Leg

===Lights, Camera, Mongoose===
===Topped with Buttercream===
'''Buttercream''': Aw, Penny Ling, you're the &quot;skoosh-ta-booshi-est&quot; of all the &quot;skoosh-ta-boosh-es&quot;!
'''Penny Ling''': *Confused* what?
'''Buttercream''': *Also confused* What? *Winds up, then calms down* anywho...
===Trading Places===
'''Vinnie''': Y'all will just have to cover for the little guy

===Sweet Truck Ride===
:'''Roger''': A ticket?! I don't understand why you'd act so irresponsibly.

:'''Blythe''': I know it seems like I did, Dad, but I didn't drive the truck.

:'''Roger''': Christie checked the truck out and there's nothing wrong with it mechanically. So what else could've happen?

:'''Blythe''': I told you already, it was the pets!

:'''Roger''': I wanna believe you, Blythe. I know how honest and reliable you are, but you can't expect me to believe that the pets took the truck for a drive.

:'''Blythe''': Not intentionally. It was a--

:'''Roger''': I know, a chain reaction.

:'''Blythe''': That's exactly right!

:'''Roger''': How could you possibly know that?

:'''Blythe''': Because they told me... (Roger looks skeptical) Uh, I mean... I can't tell you.

:'''Roger''': (looks at his figure, Buddy and lowers his head down) Well, in that case, you leave me no choice. You're grounded. And hand over your smartphone.

:'''Blythe''': &quot;Grounded?!&quot; You mean, (gives Roger her smartphone) no father/daughter picnic?

:'''Roger''': And...(sighs) No three-legged race. Believe me, it hurts me more than it hurts you. (leaves her room, but his figure, Buddy got stuck in the door) (grunts) (opens the door) Oh, and you'll help rebake all the treats that were destroyed on your little joyride. (closes the door, but Buddy got stuck again) Oh, come on! (opens the door and finally closes it)

:'''Blythe''': (sighs)

===Helicopter Dad===
===What's in the batter===
===What Did You Say?===
:'''Roger''': Listen to the weird possible side effects! May impair to juggle, knit sweaters, properly polish silver, rebuild car engines, wax surfboards, ride a unicycle, and the abiltiy to understand pets
:'''Blythe''': What?!
:'''Roger''': I know, nobody rides a unicycle anymore.

===Bakers and Fakers===
===Terriers and Tiaras===
===Lotsa Luck===
Pepper: Why did the chicken cross the road? To lay it on the line.
Ob -Old bananas: (clapping)
Pepper:Why didn't you tell me he was watching?!

===Door-Jammed===
===Frenemies===
===Blythe's Pet Project===
===Summertime Blues===

==Season 2 (2013-14)==
===The Nest Hats Craze===
:'''Russell''': Let Sunil try.
:'''Sunil''': What-what do I do? I just sit on it? I don't want to crack it. 
:'''Russell''': Don't worry, Sunil. Just sit down, it won't crack.
:'''Sunil''': *goes to sit but freezes* But what if it does crack? What if the baby chick hates me for cracking his home? I don't think I could live with that kind of guilt! *screams and leaps off the bedding* 
----
:'''Sunil''': *smacks the food out of Hubble's wings* NO! Russell, this is not how mama birds feed their newborn babies! 
:'''Russell''': Well, how do you know?
:'''Sunil''': *pulls a book out and opens it* Oh, I found this book over in the bird section. There's a whole chapter on feeding chicks.
:'''Russell''': *skeptically* Let me see that.
:'''Sunil''': Hmm... I don't want to show it to you.
:'''Russell''': Why not?
:'''Sunil''': Because I'm afraid you'll say, &quot;Eww, that is so gross!&quot; 
:'''Russell''': Oh, please! I'm a guy! Nothing grosses us out! Just give me the book.
:'''Sunil''': *hands him the book* Okay, you asked for it.
:'''Russell''': It says here that the mama bird chews her food and puts it right into the baby's mouth. Oh, there's even a picture. *immediately flings the book away from himself* Ewww! That is SO gross!
:'''Sunil''': What did I tell you?
:'''Russell''': Well, I am NOT doing that.

===Alligators And Handbags===
:'''Little Alligator''': Alright! You pets better come down or I'm coming up! Understand?!
:'''Russell''': You heard 'em, pets! armor up! (pulses flash revealing the pets in [[Power Ranger]]-like suits) Super Intelligence!
Minka: Super Long Arms And Legs!
Vinnie: And Super Slitheriness!
Pepper: Super Barrieable Stinklar!
Sunil: (quietly) Super Quietness!
Penny Ling: Super Niceness!
Zoe Trent: Super Fabulousness!
(Door opens)
Little Alligator: *growls* You think that's all you've got?
Zoe Trent: You can't bully us now, Lizard Lips! As long as we stand together!
(All the pets watch as the little alligator runs away whimpering)

===Blythe's Big Idea===
===Commercial Success===
'''Zoe''': *singing in the fantasy commercial while Sunil dances across the stage behind her* You've got money in your pocket that you wanna spend, come to Littlest Pet Shop and be a friend for all your pet shop needs!
'''Sunil''': *comes in off-screen* Supplies are all organic and gluten-free!
'''Minka''': Don't wait, just take a chance!
'''Vinnie''': Coming here will make you wanna sing and dance!
'''Pepper''': A day care for your pets!
'''Penny Ling''': Where we sing duets!
'''Russell''': And there's no regrets!
'''Vinnie''': Plus we sell fishing nets!
'''Russell''': Um, actually Vinnie, we don't sell fishing nets.
'''Vinnie''': Oh, well maybe we should!
'''Russell''': Not really a pet supply.
'''Vinnie''': Eh, fish are pets too.
'''Sunil''': He's got you there, Russell.
'''Russell''': Fine.
'''All the pets''': Just come to Littlest Pet Shop, yeah, come one all to Littlest Pet Shop!
'''Sunil''': Spend all your money at the Littlest Pet Shop!
'''All the pets''': Where we'll be your friend too!
'''Minka''': *commercial ends and all the pets grin at the viewer* We'll be right back after a word from our sponsor!

===So Interesting===
===To Paris With Zoe===
===Super Sunil===
:'''Sunil''': *about the Super Sam comic* Why don't we read it together?
:'''Blythe''': Hi guys! What's going on?
:'''Zoe''': *excitedly* I want to be Designer Dog! She has this special collar that gives her the power to create fabulous outfits.
:'''Blythe''': Is it because she looks like you, Zoe? 
:'''Sunil''': And I'll be El Cobra Cabra. He has this special insect pertracter that gives the strength of all insects. And Blythe, can you make us some costumes so we can act out the story and some special equipment?
----
:'''Blythe''': Penny Ling, aren't you going to take part? Cause, I've got a special surprise for you.
:'''Penny Ling''': A Pandamonium costume? Why did you make it for me?
----
:'''Blythe''': Penny Ling, everyone wants you to participate. Don't you want that?
:'''Penny Ling''': Yes, Oh, Blythe, Can I be Pandamonium? 
:'''Blythe''': Of course you can, Penny Ling.
:'''Penny Ling''': Oh, I'm not Penny Ling, I'm Pandamonium!
:'''Sunil''': Russell the brave little hedgehog has been taken away and hidden somewhere. But where?
:'''Pepper''': I don't know but with my super-hearing ears, I can hear him.
:'''Russell''': Help! Help!
:'''Pepper''': *gasp* I hear something!
----
:'''Sunil''': I better use my bug sight! *gasp* I can see! It's a cobra trio!
:'''Blythe''': So Pandamonium lassoed a branch.
:'''Penny Ling''': Oh, this is a job for... Pandamonium!
:'''Blythe''': And Elasti-Monkey stretched her tail, and they both swang across to rescue their good friend Russell. Da-da-dah!
:'''Russell''': Oh, Penny Ling! I mean Pandamonium! You saved me from the nasty cobra trio! You are my hero!
:'''Penny Ling''': Oh, Don't thank me, thank the League of Incredible Super Animals!
:'''everyone else''': *cheers*

===Sweet Pepper===
Pepper Clark: Hey, Zoe, I think you gave me a picture of a pretty skunk instead of a mirror.

Pepper Clark: And you don't think an arm punch will make him interested.

===Grounded===
:'''Russell''': I don't need a test to tell me that I'm a hedgehog. I mean, look at me - what else could I possibly be?
:'''Vinnie''': Porcupine? 
:'''Sunil''': Prickly rat?
:'''Pepper''': A pineapple?

===Inside Job===
===Littlest Bigfoot=== 
===Sunil's Sick Day===
:'''Zoe''': Sunil is sick.
:'''Pepper''': Surreal is lick.
:'''Russell''': Cereal smells ick.
:'''Minka''': Cira McDrick?
:'''Zoe''': Okay. What did I say?
:'''Penny Ling''': Cyril McFlip!
:'''Zoe''': Cyril McFlip?!
:'''Russell''': Who's Cyril McFlip? Is he a new pet here? Ugh, why am I always the last to know?!

:'''Blythe''': What do you think made you sick? Did you catch something from someone
:'''Sunil''': If by someone you mean Vinnie, then no. I would certainly did not catch it from him. He would never give me anything.
:'''Blythe''': Okay then. I actually wasn't thinking specifically about Vinnie.
:'''Sunil''': Vinnie this. Vinnie that! Could you please stop talking about Vinnie already?! (shoves some mangos into his mouth with a frown)

===The Hedgehog In The Plastic Bubble===

Pepper: Russell, This has been happening a lot lately.

Russell: How dare you! Prove It!

(Pepper, Vinnie, Sunil, Zoe and Minka turn around revealing bandages)

Russell: Wow, I stand corrected.

Minka: My quill collection is getting bigger and bigger!

Russell: Hey, I don't understand it! In the last few days, I've been losing so many quills for some reason.

===Standup Stinker===
===Shanghai Hi-Jinks===
===Plane It On Rio===
===The Expo Factor, Part 1===
===The Expo Factor, Part 2===
'''Mona Autumn''': ''(The Biskits have just been busted for cheating in the International Pet Fashion Expo, have been humiliated on national television and Mona has informed them that Fisher Biskit lied about making a second Largest Ever Pet Shop)'' the rotten apple doesn't fall very far from the tree, does it, girls?

== Season 3 (2014–15) ==
===Episode 12: The Very Littlest Pet Shop===
'''Mrs. Twombly''': Oh, I've never seen a slow loris before- or a ''fast'' one, for that matter.

==External links== 
{{Wikipedia|Littlest Pet Shop (2012 TV series)}}

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[[Category:Canadian children's animated musical TV shows]]
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      <sha1>d7enf0e87ym769c8321u8exblscal0k</sha1>
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  <page>
    <title>Sergey Lavrov</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>141009</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153768</id>
      <parentid>3146758</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-12T00:46:10Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Joreberg</username>
        <id>323041</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* About the Russian invasion of Ukraine 2022 */ * We are determined to help the people of eastern Ukraine to liberate themselves from the burden of this absolutely unacceptable regime.</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="29496" xml:space="preserve">[[File:MSC_2014_Lavrov_Kleinschmidt_MSC2014.jpg|220px|right|thumb|2015]]
[[File:Vladimir Putin with Sergey Lavrov (2016-03-23).jpg|thumb|Sergey Lavrov and Vladimir Putin (2016)]]
[[File:Sergey Lavrov MSC 2018.jpg|thumb|We are concerned about what the US and its closest allies are doing with respect to Venezuela, brazenly violating all imaginable norms of international law and actually openly pursuing the policy aimed at overthrowing the legitimate government in that Latin American country... (29 January 2019)]]
'''[[wikipedia:Sergey Lavrov|Sergey Viktorovich  Lavrov]]''' (born [[21 March]] [[1950]]) is a Russian Armenian diplomat who has been the [[w:Foreign Minister of Russia|Foreign Minister of Russia]] since 2004. Apart from this, he is also known for his strong stance against the foreign military intervention against Syria, and Libya during the civil war. He has also opposed the sanctions of Syria, Iran, North Korea.

== Quotes == 

* Well I believe all participants of the six party talks should use their bilateral channels to send necessary messages to North Koreans. Some of us like China and Russia have more channels if you wish. Japan and South Korea have their own. And the United States could also help by stating their strong commitment to the negotiating process, to the six party talks, and I am glad that that's what we hear from Washington in response to the North Korean announcement.
** [http://www.pbs.org/newshour/bb/europe/jan-june05/lavrov_2-11.html From Transcript, February (2005)]

* &lt;p&gt;I am very pleased to be here in [[Israel]], the land of our friends, friends who are going through a complex period like their neighbors. We are convinced that the efforts of all countries and governments in the region will find a way to reach peace and long-term security. I have arrived here after visiting Beirut and Damascus and I want to tell the Prime Minister and all other ministers that today, everyone wants peace more than ever, peace and security.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Now, the preferred position is that of those who do not want to live amidst endless arguments about who was right first and last. Everybody wants to sit around the negotiating table. Everyone aspires to reach decisions that will be acceptable to all and certainly to Israel. We always point out the Russian Federation’s full agreement that the State of Israel has the full right to peace and security. We are convinced that that there is no other way to resolve this problem except through peace.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;We are certain that UN Security Council Resolution #1701, that we all worked on together, will be carried out in full by all sides. We think that the abductees should be released as soon as possible and we are also convinced that the military blockade of Lebanon must be lifted and that the Lebanese army needs to deploy in southern Lebanon in order to facilitate the Israeli army’s withdrawal as quickly as possible. But we are convinced that peace is attainable only if an international conference - with the participation of all sides - convenes. Lastly, I would like to point out that we are very much looking forward to the Prime Minister’s visit to Moscow in order to discuss bilateral relations.&lt;/p&gt;
** [http://www.mfa.gov.il/MFA/Government/Communiques/2006/PM+Olmert+meets+Russian+FM+Lavrov+7-Sept-2006.htm In Israel, where he meets the Prime Minister Ehud Olmert, {{September 2006))]

* As to the second question about Gabala Radar Station, I think that you are under the influence of what was previously customary to call &quot;western propaganda.&quot; As Russian President [[Vladimir Putin]] has repeatedly said in public, which was reconfirmed during his preliminary consultations with Azerbaijani President Ilham Aliyev, we perceive no threat from Iran. We do not understand why to justify construction of elements of a US missile defense system in Europe they should be using a thesis about a threat from Iran. We have repeatedly adduced facts, assessments, and professional estimates showing that there is no such threat, which President Putin particularly emphasized. If the American side has suspicions about the presence of any such threat, they can easily be removed by the real-time use of information from Gabala Radar Station. Today I told my friend and colleague, Mr. Mottaki, as well as the President of Iran, Mr. Ahmadinejad, about this. My firm impression is that our explanation was received with full understanding.
** [http://www.acronym.org.uk/proliferation-challenges/regional-challenges/iran/russian-foreign-minister-sergey-lavrov-iran-june-20-2007 Answering the press questions, in Teheran, June 20, 2007.]

* There was an attack on our citizens in South Ossetia since most people had a Russian passport and thus Russian citizenship.
** [http://www.georgiatimes.info/en/news/64480.html Talking about the Georgian War(2008), he also adds that Georgia also attacked Russian peacekeepers who were located there]

* Ha! I’ve heard about these reports. I think it’s another provocation, coming just before NATO war games on Georgian territory that were in complete disregard of Russia’s warnings. If this is aimed at drawing other participants of the war games into the conflict — prompted by statements from the Georgian government — then this only proves that we were 100% right when we warned those taking part in the war games not to do so as it will lead heighten tensions sharply.
** [http://www.euronews.com/2009/05/06/no-link-between-iran-and-us-missile-shield-lavrov-tells-euronews/ Regarding the reported coup in Georgia. Interview with Euronews (May 2009)]

* Instead of the negative and relative stability of Cold War times, we all need positive stability based on collective interaction, an indifferently correct neighborhood is impossible on our continent. The principle of indivisibility of European security should be legally binding, relations between the US, Europe and Russia need a qualitatively new interaction that could help solve common and global challenges.
** [http://rt.com/news/lavrov-council-europe-speech/ In his speech from April 2010]

* We believe that the coalition's intervention in the civil war in Libya has not, essentially, been sanctioned by the UN Security Council resolution, its only purpose is to ensure the protection of the civilian population.
** [http://en.rian.ru/russia/20110328/163245789.html Intervention in Libya at odds with UN resolution (March 2011)]

* We think that additional steps, including the cancellation of the no-fly zone, should be taken.
** [http://rt.com/politics/official-word/lavrov-us-adress-libya-511/ Time to abolish no-fly zone over Libya, (September 2011).]

* Members of the international community, first of all our Western partners, have chosen the path of supporting one of the sides in the civil war – probably the party that represented the Libyan people's legitimate aspirations, but this still increased the number of casualties among the civilian population.
** [http://rt.com/politics/lavrov-nato-libya-victims-201/ Saying that NATO's interference in Libya caused more casualties {December 2011)]

* It is no accident that the Office of UN High Commissioner on Human Rights stated today that all circumstances of his ([[Gaddafi]]'s) death must be investigated and I fully agree that such an investigation will be conducted.
** [http://rt.com/politics/lavrov-interview-russia-libya-us-439/ He said that Muammar Gaddafi's death should be investigated, as he shouldn't have been killed, (October 2011)]

* If something goes wrong in Syria, many countries of the region will feel a negative impact. We can’t support isolation because of the lesson we drew from Libya.
** [http://rt.com/politics/syria-libya-russian-stance-285/ &quot;We won’t let Syria become 2nd Libya&quot;(November 2011)]

* We believe this would be a huge mistake and we hope that this would never happen.
** [http://www.presstv.ir/detail/232538.html Lavrov warns any attack on Iran, whether by Israel or any other, (November 2011)]

* As the Libyan experience has shown, sadly, a military scenario is possible. We won’t allow any more such disingenuous interpretations. We will see to it that no resolution is open to interpretation like the one on Libya.
** [http://en.rian.ru/russia/20121023/176857678.html Moscow to Block Any Bid for Force Against Iran, October 2012]

* Absolutely no evidence.
** When asked if [[Iran]] has decided to include a military component in its nuclear program, (October 2012).[http://en.rian.ru/russia/20121023/176857678.html]

* We discussed this issue. We welcome steps Pakistan and India have taken on confidence-building measures. Both countries are capable of settling their issues on their own without any foreign assistance
** [http://indrus.in/articles/2012/10/05/lavrov_says_no_to_russian_role_in_resolving_kashmir_issue_18141.html Lavrov says no to Russian role in resolving Kashmir issue, (October 2012).]

* Congress is a very special group of people. More than 80 percent of them [have] never left the United States. They live in their own walls. So I’m not amazed about this Russophobia which is being displayed by the Congress at the moment.
** [https://www.politifact.com/factchecks/2014/dec/17/sergey-lavrov/russian-foreign-minister-sergey-lavrov-says-80-us-/ &quot;Russian foreign minister Sergey Lavrov says 80% of U.S. lawmakers have never traveled abroad&quot;], Politfact, 17 December 2014

* A new reality is being formed: the unipolar world is irrevocably becoming a thing of the past, a multipolar one is taking shape. It’s an objective process. It’s unstoppable. In this reality, more than one power will “rule” – it will be necessary to negotiate between all the key states that today have a decisive influence on the world economy and politics. At the same time, realizing their special situation, these countries ensure compliance with the basic principles of the UN Charter, including the fundamental one – the sovereign equality of states. No one on this Earth should be seen as a minor player. Everyone is equal and sovereign.
** As quoted in [https://www.unz.com/pescobar/meet-the-new-resource-based-global-reserve-currency/ Meet the New, Resource-Based Global Reserve Currency], 31 March 2022

=== About the Russian invasion of Crimea in 2014 ===
* We have absolutely no intention of — or interest in — crossing Ukraine's borders.
** [https://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2014/03/29/296247981/russia-says-it-doesn-t-plan-to-invade-ukraine &quot;Russia Says It Doesn't Plan To Invade Ukraine&quot;], NPR, 29 March 2014

===News conference following the 25th OSCE Ministerial Council, Milan, Italy (7 December 2018)===
&lt;small&gt;[http://www.mid.ru/en/press_service/minister_speeches/-/asset_publisher/7OvQR5KJWVmR/content/id/3437709 Full Text online]&lt;/small&gt;

'''International Law''' 
*We see that our colleagues from the NATO countries are pursuing a policy of containing Russia, increasing their military activity on our borders, creating a military infrastructure on the “eastern front”, as they say, and resorting to unsubstantiated accusations instead of diplomatic methods...
*It is also alarming that our Western colleagues use the term “international law” less and less often. Instead, they talk more about a rules-based order... something they can invent themselves... We urge our colleagues to comply with the agreements reached within the framework of international law.  

'''Unfounded accusations'''
*Several years ago, the United States started accusing Russia of violating the INF Treaty, without providing any evidence. We basically had to pry the information from the US, information that would help us understand... what they meant. The US eventually mentioned the 9M729 missile, claiming that it had been tested on certain days at a certain testing site, and that the range violated the treaty’s provisions. Our data concerning these tests showed the opposite. The missile’s range is allowed under the treaty.
*NATO foreign ministers met several days ago to support the US position. According to media reports, they did this after Washington presented certain irrefutable documents confirming that the treaty was violated. If this is so, we have not received any such documents from the US side. This is what we have been asking the US to do for a long time. We are still ready for a serious and professional discussion. Instead, the Americans resort to unfounded accusations, and again and again, from high rostrums, make allegations for the entire international community to hear about things that should first be clarified with the other party to the treaty. This would be a more appropriate, polite and correct approach.
*When we are accused...Every time a problem occurs, we ask very specific questions. For example, the crash of the Malaysian Boeing in Ukrainian airspace in July 2014. Where is the data from the Ukrainian radars? We provided our data. Where are the records of what the Ukrainian dispatchers said? No answer. Where is the data from American satellites that surely exists? No answer again. The questions are very specific. So in the case of Salisbury, where are the Skripals? There is no room for “highly likely” here. There can only be two answers here: yes or no, alive or not. Therefore, it is very difficult...

'''The INF &amp; START Treaties''' 
*We have come up with proposals that we have repeatedly made available to the United States, including in Helsinki, when President Putin met with President Trump. I myself presented one such proposal to US Secretary of State Mike Pompeo. We re-submitted our proposals during a visit by US National Security Adviser John Bolton to Moscow in August and later in October, when he was in Moscow again. These proposals are about starting a serious, candid and professional dialogue on the INF Treaty, compliance with the START Treaty, and a number of other proposals regarding our approaches to ​​strategic stability. We got nothing in response from the US partners. We occasionally remind them about it. They keep saying that we need to correct our mistakes and stop the violations. 
*The people I met with yesterday, including German Foreign Minister Heiko Maas, expressed concern about this situation. If they are concerned, they should talk to their ally, the United States, and have the US sit down and talk substantively, rather than accuse us without any grounds from across the ocean. We are ready for such a dialogue and suggested considering the INF Treaty at the Russia-NATO Council. In response, our NATO colleagues completely blocked all communication channels between the Russian and NATO military...

'''Ukraine'''
*In 2014, our Western colleagues “swallowed” the anti-constitutional armed coup in Ukraine, and since then they’ve been unable to hold that government accountable, although they have long since understood who they are dealing with. Having once branded them democrats and partners, they cannot publicly criticise them now. That's the problem. 
*President Poroshenko and his regime enjoy impunity and plan provocations like the one that occurred at the entrance to the Kerch Strait from the Black Sea. Literally a day after this blatant provocation, the text of the order...was found on one of the boats... It said that the boats should covertly, without requesting authorisation of the Russian authorities...Why?...There may only be one answer: they wanted to provoke a scandal.
*A day after that, President Poroshenko declared martial law, and three days later the US declared that they need to increase their military presence in the Black Sea.... an incident was inflated into a scandal... used to shore up the absolutely groundless hopes of the incumbent president of Ukraine... in line with the US plans to build up its military presence near our shores. If you follow the logic of “who stands to gain?” you can draw your own conclusions.


*We are concerned about what the US and its closest allies are doing with respect to [[Venezuela]], brazenly violating all imaginable norms of international law and actually openly pursuing the policy aimed at overthrowing the legitimate government in that Latin American country...  US companies operating in Venezuela are exempt from these sanctions. In other words, they wish to topple the government and derive material gains from this... According to our sources, the leaders of the opposition movement who have declared ‘dual power’ are in fact receiving instructions from Washington not to make any concessions until the authorities agree to abdicate in some way. Together with other responsible members of the international community, we will do everything to support [[Nicolás Maduro|President Maduro]]’s legitimate government in upholding the Venezuelan constitution and employing methods to resolve the crisis that are within the constitutional framework...&lt;BR&gt;Given signals coming from the EU and... Caribbean countries, as well as...China and India... we would like to figure out what the international community could do to prevent another blatant violation of international law and violent regime change... This is what I discussed yesterday with the Iranian foreign minister, who - just like us - wants to find an opportunity for external players to prove themselves useful to the Venezuelan people.
**Quoted in [http://tass.com/politics/1042235 '''US policy aimed at toppling Venezuela’s government, Tass'''] (29 January 2019)

*What do they mean by insolent remarks that the countries external to the Western Hemisphere are not allowed to have any interests there?... Take a look at the map of the U.S. military bases—the whole world is dotted with red spots and each of them poses rather serious risks.
**Quoted in [[w:Common Dreams|Common Dreams]], [https://www.commondreams.org/news/2019/04/04/rejecting-demand-leave-venezuela-russias-lavrov-says-whole-world-dotted-us-soldiers ''Rejecting Demand to Leave Venezuela, Russia's Lavrov Says 'Whole World Dotted' With US Soldiers'', Eoin Higgins,] (4 April 2019)

* We are already used to the fact that the United States and other Western countries simply announce in the media yet another set of accusations against Russia, be it hackers, or some kind of a sensation about the double or even triple poisoning of Navalny.  All this news is funny to read, but it says only one thing -- or rather the manner in which this news is presented says only one thing -- that our Western partners do not have any ethical standards and lack skill in normal diplomatic work, and [have] unwillingness to comply with the international legal norms when it comes to finding the facts.
** [https://edition.cnn.com/2020/12/16/europe/alexey-navalny-poisoning-sergey-lavrov-russia-intl/index.html &quot;Russian minister says Navalny poisoning reports 'funny to read'&quot;], CNN, 16 December 2020

*  In a number of Western countries, students learn at school that Jesus Christ was bisexual.
** From Lavrov's opinion piece titled &quot;The Law, Rights, and the Rules&quot; published in &quot;Russia in Global Affairs&quot; on 28 June 2021[https://eng.globalaffairs.ru/articles/the-law-the-rights-and-the-rules/]. Russian media identified the likely source of this claim to a single TikTok video where an Australian mother recorded her children discussing Jesus being &quot;bi and non-binary” because “he loves everyone in the world” and &quot;he wears a dress and he’s a man&quot;[https://meduza.io/en/feature/2021/06/28/he-loves-everyone-in-the-world].

* We know the manners and the tricks that are being used by the [[western countries]] to [[manipulate]] [[media]], we understood long ago that there is no such thing as an [[independent]] western media
** [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2022/mar/18/sergei-lavrov-praises-fox-news-coverage-ukraine Russian foreign minister praises Fox News coverage of war in Ukraine] (Fri 18 Mar 2022)

=== About the Russian invasion of Ukraine 2022 ===

* We are not planning to attack other countries. We didn’t attack Ukraine in the first place.
** [https://www.thedailybeast.com/sergei-lavrov-somehow-manages-to-say-we-didnt-attack-ukraine-with-straight-face &quot;Kremlin’s Lavrov Somehow Manages to Say ‘We Didn’t Attack Ukraine’ With Straight Face&quot;], The Daily Beast, 10 March 2022

* We see how dangerously our Western colleagues, including in the European Union, are acting now, which, in violation of all its so-called principles and values, encourages the supply of deadly weapons to Ukraine.
** [https://www.lbc.co.uk/news/lavrov-outcry-over-maternity-hospital-bombing-pathetic/ &quot;Fury as Lavrov brands outcry over maternity unit strike which killed three as 'pathetic'&quot;], LBC, 10 March 2022

* It is not the first time we have seen pathetic outcries concerning the so-called atrocities perpetrated by the Russian military
** [https://nypost.com/2022/03/10/russia-fm-sergey-lavrov-claims-russia-didnt-attack-ukraine/ &quot;Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov claims Russia ‘didn’t attack Ukraine’&quot;], New York Post, 10 March 2022

* We will deal with Ukraine and we will resolve the future of Ukraine.
* We proposed not creating any threat on the ground and Putin explained very clearly why he took the decision to conduct this special military operation.
** [https://www.express.co.uk/news/uk/1578505/Sky-News-Sergey-Lavrov-Russia-bombing-Mariupol-maternity-hospital-vn &quot;'Why should we believe you?' Sky News reporter brutally confronts Lavrov over vile attack&quot;], Express, 11 March 2022

* So when they say ‘How can Nazification exist if we’re Jewish?’ In my opinion, Hitler also had Jewish origins, so it doesn’t mean absolutely anything. For some time we have heard from the Jewish people that the biggest antisemites were Jewish.
** [https://spectrumlocalnews.com/nc/triangle-sandhills/ap-top-news/2022/05/02/israel-lashes-out-at-russia-over-lavrovs-nazism-remarks &quot;Israel lashes out at Russia over Lavrov's Nazism remarks&quot;], Spectrum News 1 / Associated Press, 2 May 2022

* If you are worried about the prospect of war in Europe - we do not want that at all.
** [https://www.usnews.com/news/world/articles/2022-05-11/lavrov-says-russia-does-not-want-war-in-europe &quot;Lavrov Says Russia Does Not Want War in Europe&quot;], US News/Reuters, 11 May 2022

* The EU has evolved from a constructive economic platform, as it was created, to an aggressive and belligerent player which already displays its ambitions far beyond the European continent.
** [https://www.euronews.com/my-europe/2022/05/13/eu-has-become-aggressive-and-bellicose-amid-ukraine-war-says-russia-s-lavrov &quot;EU has become aggressive and bellicose amid Ukraine war, says Russia's Lavrov&quot;], Euronews, 13 May 2022

* The West has declared war on us, on the whole Russian world. The culture of canceling Russia and everything connected with our country is already reaching the point of absurdity.
* It is safe to say that this situation will be with us for a long time.
* In many Western countries, everyday Russophobia has become of an unprecedented nature, and, to our great regret, is encouraged by government circles in a number of countries.
** [https://www.hurriyetdailynews.com/ukraines-zelensky-accuses-russia-of-genocide-in-donbas-onslaught-174101 &quot;West has declared ‘total war’ on Russia: Lavrov&quot;], Hurriyet Daily news, 27 May 2022

* International officials, including the UN High Commissioner for Human Rights, and, to my great regret, the UN Secretary-General and many other UN representatives, are subjected to pressure from the West and often act as mouthpieces for fake news.
** Claimed, without providing evidence, quoted in [https://www.republicworld.com/world-news/russia-ukraine-crisis/lavrov-un-officials-act-as-mouthpieces-for-fake-news-on-russia-due-to-wests-pressure-articleshow.html &quot;Lavrov: UN Officials Act As 'mouthpieces For Fake News' On Russia Due To West's Pressure&quot;], Republic World, 17 June 2022

* We did not invade Ukraine.  We declared a special military operation because we had absolutely no other way of explaining to the west that dragging Ukraine into Nato was a criminal act.
** [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2022/jun/17/russia-has-strategically-lost-war-declares-uk-admiral-as-lavrov-says-no-shame-in-war-crimes &quot;Russia has ‘strategically lost’ war, says UK defence chief, as Lavrov says Moscow unashamed&quot;], The Guardian, 17 June 2022

* Russia has an unblemished reputation and is not ashamed.
** [https://www.novinite.com/articles/215542/ &quot;Lavrov told the BBC: Russia is Not Ashamed&quot;], Novinie, 17 June 2022

* The Russian people in Ukraine continued to be discriminated against across the board. Laws banning the Russian language were adopted and Nazi practices (theory and practice of Nazism) were established.
** Claimed without providing evidence, quoted in [https://www.politifact.com/factchecks/2022/jun/08/sergey-lavrov/russian-has-not-been-banned-ukraine-despite-repeat/ &quot;Ukraine adopted 'laws banning the Russian language': False&quot;], Politfact, 8 June 2022

* I didn’t invite anyone to pose for a photo together with me.
** Said after several G20 representatives refused to join a group photo session together with Lavrov, quoted in [https://nypost.com/2022/07/08/russian-minister-sergey-lavrov-leaves-g20-after-photo-snub/ &quot;Vladimir Putin lackey Sergey Lavrov storms out of G20 after photo snub&quot;], New York Post, 8 July 2022

* The geography is different.  This is far from being only the DPR and LPR.  It is also the Kherson region, the Zaporizhzhia region and a number of other territories, and this process continues, and continues consistently and persistently.  
* We cannot allow the part of Ukraine that Zelenskyy, or whoever replaces him, will control to have weapons that will pose a direct threat to our territory and the territory of those republics that have declared their independence, those who want to determine their future on their own.  
* If the West delivers long-range weapons to Kyiv, the geographic goals of the special operation in Ukraine will expand even more.
** Said about changing Russian goals to attack and occupy larger parts of Ukraine, quoted in [https://www.aa.com.tr/en/russia-ukraine-war/west-giving-arms-to-ukraine-will-expand-russian-aims-russia/2641598 &quot;West giving arms to Ukraine will expand Russian aims: Russia&quot;], Anadolu Agency, 20 July 2022 and [https://www.rferl.org/a/lavrov-moscow-objectives-go-beyond-donbas/31951969.html &quot;Russian FM Lavrov Says Moscow's Objectives In Ukraine Now Go Beyond Donbas&quot;], RadioFeeEurope Radio Liberty, 20 July 2022&lt;/ref&gt;

* We are determined to help the people of eastern Ukraine to liberate themselves from the burden of this absolutely unacceptable regime.
* We will certainly help the Ukrainian people to get rid of the regime, which is absolutely anti-people and anti-historical.
** [https://www.smh.com.au/world/europe/russia-seeks-regime-change-in-ukraine-says-kremlin-s-top-diplomat-20220726-p5b4i5.html &quot;Russia seeks regime change in Ukraine, says Kremlin’s top diplomat&quot;], The Sunday Morning Herald, 26 July 2022&lt;/ref&gt;

== Quotes about Sergey Lavrov ==
* Minister Lavrov said that clearly said '''we cannot sit with the American to define what Syrian wants to do, this is Syrian's issue, only the Syrian people can define the future of their country and how to solve their problems'''.
** [[Bashar al-Assad]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=45odEv_1DAY Interview with Bill Neely] (July 2016) on &quot;[https://www.nbcnews.com/news/world/syria-s-president-bashar-al-assad-speaks-nbc-news-n608746 NBC: Exclusive Interview with Bashar al-Assad]&quot;

* Unfortunately, it is a classical step, when an occupant state is trying to make legitimate its unlawful decision. It is an attempt, which will remain unsuccessful.
** Deputy Foreign Minister of Georgia, Nino Kalandadze, commenting on Lavrov's visit to Abkhazia.[http://www.messenger.com.ge/issues/2345_april_27_2011/2345_mzia.html]

*On Monday, Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov said that any U.S. presence in a CSTO country would need the approval of the alliance, which the Kremlin will veto. One might suggest that there is mistrust about the reliability of Joe Biden and company as a strategic partner, even though there is widespread concern that Afghanistan might become a rogue state. Nevertheless, Washington’s bullying in Iraq, Syria and also against Iran has failed to convince anyone that the U.S. Air Force would make a good neighbor....   
**[[Philip Giraldi]] in [https://www.strategic-culture.org/news/2021/07/22/whither-afghanistan-getting-out-is-harder-than-getting-in/ Whither Afghanistan? Getting Out Is Harder Than Getting In, Philip Giraldi, ''Strategic Culture''],  (July 22, 2021)

* In 18 years, he went from a professional and educated intellectual, whom many my colleagues held in such high esteem [sic], to a person who constantly … threatens the world (that is, Russia too) with nuclear weapons!
** [[w:Boris Bondarev|Boris Bondarev]], senior Russian diplomat who defected, quoted in [https://www.politico.eu/article/top-russian-diplomat-to-un-resigns-over-aggressive-ukraine-war/ &quot;Top Russian diplomat to UN resigns over Ukraine war&quot;], 23. may 2022

==See Also==
* [[Anatoly Antonov]]
* [[Vladimir Putin]]
* [[Russia]]


== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{Commons}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Lavrov, Sergey}}
[[Category:Russian politicians]]
[[Category:Government ministers]]
[[Category:People from Moscow]]
[[Category:1950 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
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    <title>WCW Monday Nitro</title>
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      <text bytes="70936" xml:space="preserve">[[w:WCW Monday Nitro|WCW Monday Nitro]] was a professional wrestling program that aired on TNT Monday nights from September 4th, 1995 to March 26 2001.

== 1995 ==
=== September 4 ===
:''[Recent ex-WWF talent Lex Luger shows up at the beginning of the Sting/Ric Flair matchup.]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''': ''[notices Lex]'' Oooh, what in the hell is he doing here?! Get the camera off of him!
:'''Steve &quot;Mongo&quot; McMichael''': What is this?
:'''Bobby &quot;The Brain&quot; Heenan''': Wait a minute. He's got a right to be here, this is a [[w:Mall of America|public mall]].
:'''Eric''': Get him out of here!
:'''Steve''': Somebody call the security guards!
:'''Eric''': ''[as the crowd starts chanting &quot;Luger! Luger!&quot;]'' What?! Get the security and get him out of here!
:'''Bobby''': What's he doing wrong? What is he doing wrong?
:'''Steve''': This is just unabashed arrogance.
:'''Eric''': We have a major problem here.
:'''Bobby''': We have a situation starting here. A big one.
:'''Eric''': I want to know what he's doing here.
:'''Bobby''': Well don't ask me! Get on the headsets to the truck, ask somebody.

=== December 18 ===
:''[Madusa makes her way to the announce booth at the start of the show.]''
:'''Madusa''': All right. Can it everyone! ''[to Mongo]'' You too bad dog! I am Madusa, always have been Madusa and always will be Madusa. This is the WWF Women's Championship belt.
:'''Eric''': Whoa... Whoa! Wait a minute. ''[sees Madusa pick up a trash can and dump the belt in it]'' What? Look...that indeed it is!
:'''Steve''': ''[as Madusa does the act]'' Not in the trash can!
:'''Madusa''': And that's what I think of the WWF Women's Championship belt. This is the WCW, I am now in the WCW and they used to call me Alundra Blayze. But not anymore because this is where the big boys play and now this is where the big girls play! ''[dumps mic in the trash can as well]''
:'''Eric''': Holy smokes! Madusa, the WWF Women's Championship and the belt right here on Nitro. The belt in the trash can and I tell you what, I'm in shock! Wow!
:'''Steve''': Oh she got covered, she just got sucked up on that one in Connecticut, didn't she?
:'''Eric''': I'll tell you what...
:'''Bobby''': What a doll.

== 1996 ==
=== May 27 ===
:'''Tony Schiavone''': Welcome back live to the first hour of this edition of ''WCW Monday Nitro'' on TNT! Tony Schiavone and Larry Zbyszko. And we are taking a look at the Mauler completely maul his opponent Steve Doll.
:'''Larry Zbyszko''': Well you know, Steve Doll's trying to get an offensive going.
:'''Tony''': ''[notices the crowd suddenly standing up for a [[w:Scott Hall|large man]] who just came in through the audience]'' Wait a minute! What the hell is going on here?
:'''Larry''': But the Mauler, well he just got reversed right there. The Mauler runs him down.
:'''Tony''': That's not what I'm talking about.
:'''Larry''': What are you talking about?!
:''[The man, Scott Hall, leaps over the railing]''
:'''Tony''': Look here.
:'''Larry''': Well, what the hell?
:'''Scott Hall''': Get me a mic!
:'''Larry''': What's with this?
:'''Tony''': We need security out here. I have no idea, wait a minute! I can't believe what we're seeing.
:'''Hall''': ''[climbing into the ring]'' Hey, you people, you know who I am, but you don't know why I'm here. Where is Billionaire Ted? Where is the Nacho Man? That punk can't even get in the building. Me, I go wherever I want, whenever I want. And where, oh where is Scheme Gene? 'Cause I've got a scoop for you. When that Ken-doll lookalike, when that weatherman wannabe comes out here later tonight, I got a challenge for him, for Billionaire Ted, for the Nacho Man and for anybody else in uh...WCW, huh-huh-huh. Hey, you want to go to war? You want a war? You're gonna get one! ''[leaves]''
:'''Tony''': Fans, what about the match? I don't know what to say. Randy Anderson's coming-- Randy. Randy, what's going on here? What about the match, Randy? What's going on? The match. Fans, we've gotta go to a break.
:'''Larry''': The match left!
:'''Tony''': I have no idea what to say. Stay with us. Geez.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Scott Hall''': Hey, lookie here.
:'''Eric Bischoff''': You wanted to say some-
:'''Hall''': ''[as Eric talks]'' Ken doll, you got such a big mouth and we, we are sick of it.
:'''Eric''': What do you mean? Who's we?
:'''Hall''': You know who. This is where the &quot;big boys play&quot;? What a joke! I tell you what, you go tell Billionaire Ted, you tell him, &quot;Get three of his very very best.&quot; Maybe the Nacho Man! &quot;Oooooooh....No.&quot; Hey, maybe he can get the Stinger! Ooooh, I'm so scared. You go get anybody you want because we...
:'''Eric''': Who do you mean &quot;We&quot;?
:'''Hall''': We are taking over. You wanna go to war? You wanna war? You got one. Only, only let's do it right. In the ring where it matters. Not in no microphones. Not in no newspapers or dirtsheets. Let's do it in the ring where it matters. If uh, if Billionaire Ted and his big boys, if they got any, uh guts...
:'''Eric''': You're stepping over the line.
:'''Hall''': Because we are coming down here and like it or not, 
:'''Eric''': Not.
:'''Hall''': We are taking over. ''[throws his toothpick at Eric.]''
:'''Eric''': ''[calmly]'' You're outta here.
:'''Hall''': If you say so!
:'''Eric''': You're outta here. ''[visibly shaken, looks at Heenan, then recomposes]'' I don't know what to say. We'll see you next week.

===June 3===
:''[Scott Hall appears again at the announce booth]''
:'''Scott Hall''': Just relax ''chico''. Yo, Ken Doll, I had such a good time last week that I came back for more.
:'''Eric''': Look there's no reason...
:'''Scott Hall''': Look, look, look, relax man, relax. You started it. You want to go to war? You got a war. You started it, we gonna finish it.
:'''Eric''': What do you mean &quot;We&quot;? You come up with this We stuff.
:'''Scott Hall''': You know who man. You know who. Did Daddy Warbucks? Did he get his money yet?
:'''Eric''': ''[sees [[w:Steve Borden|Sting]] come out]'' Wait a minute, Stinger. Not here, not now. Don't even dignify it man.
:'''Sting''': You came out here last week and said some real horrible things about WCW. Some real horrible things about the Hulkster, about the Macho Man, about the Stinger. Somewhere along the way, you got lost because do you have any idea where you are? You're in the jungle baby! This is WCW! That's right! Hold on! And every week you come out here and you say you want three of the best.
:'''Scott Hall''': That's right man, three of the best.
:'''Sting''': You want three of the best, I don't see two of you. All I see is you and me. So why don't we just do this one on one right here, right now!
:'''Scott Hall''': Yo, yo, you wanna fight man? You wanna fight? You got one. Only, no one tells me what to do and ''chico'', nobody tells me when to do it. ''[throws his toothpick at Sting. Sting responds by slapping Hall]'' Ok, ok tough guy. I got a little, no, I got big surprise for you next week.

=== June 10===
:''[Scott Hall shows up again]''
:'''Eric''': Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I don't want any trouble from you. I don't want any trouble with you here, now, but I don't have to point out. You came out here last week. Where is it, the big surprise? I mean I heard a lot of talk but where's the walk? ''[Hall points behind Eric]'' What? Where is he?
:''[Kevin Nash, formerly known as Diesel in the WWF, appears from behind and grabs the mike]''
:'''Kevin Nash''': You've been sitting out here for six months running your mouth. This is where the big boys play, huh? Look at the adjective, play [''sic'']. We ain't here to play! Now, he ''[referring to Hall]'' said last week that he was going to bring somebody out here. I'm here. You still don't have your three people and do you know why? Because nobody wants to face us. This show's about as interesting as [[w:Marge Schott|Marge Schott]] reading excerpts from ''[[Mein Kampf]]''.
:'''Eric''': No trouble tonight, man. Speak your piece and...
:'''Nash''': Yeah, no trouble cause you know, I'll kick your teeth down your throat. Where are these three guys? You know you couldn't get a paleontologist to get these fossils cleared? You ain't got enough guys off a dialysis machine to get a team? Yeah, where's [[w:Hulk Hogan|Hogan]]? Where's Hogan? Out doing another episode of ''[[w:Thunder in Paradise|Blunder in Paradise]]''? Where's the Macho Man huh? Doing some Slim Jim commercial? Hey, we're here! You wanna say something?
:'''Eric''': Look, I don't have the authority right here right now. You want a fight? Fight isn't within me. You want to face three guys? Tomorrow morning at 9:00, I'm going to be in Atlanta. I'll be in the offices of WCW. I'll try and get you your fight and do you know what? Live this Sunday in Baltimore, Great American Bash, you guys want to show up? You want a fight? You show up and I'll see if I can get you your fight.
:'''Nash''': I don't know about you but they love us in Baltimore.
:'''Scott Hall''': Hey big man, I say me and you, we be at the Bash. Maybe these punks want a fight.
:'''Nash''': Yeah, bring what you got! The measuring stick just changed around here buddy. You're looking at it. ''[Tosses Bischoff around before he and Hall leave]''

===July 8===
:'''Mean Gene Okerlund''': Sting, a very somber mood tonight. I can't believe it. I can feel it, you can feel it. These people continue to make our lives very very tenuous. They did it again tonight right in the middle of your match with Arn Anderson. But lets go back to last night. What's your sense of what's happened at the ''Bash at the Beach''?
:'''Sting''': I am not at all surprised. What happened last night, I'm not surprised about coming from the two outsiders. But I will say I'm very very surprised at you Hulk Hogan. But I should've known. I should've known that when you were traveling to every town in that big fat limo. I should've known because you didn't want to travel with the Macho Man, the Total Package and the Stinger. Uhn-uhn, you were too busy making big movies and coming in for a little cameo appearance! You were too busy walking on the dark side! I should've known when you referred to the Macho Man, the Total Package and me as &quot;three little dogs&quot; waiting for a chance to wrestle the great Hulk Hogan. I should've known when I looked into your eyes. Do you know something, I made a mistake. But you made a bigger mistake because last night, you wiped out and trashed every single little kid, every single person that was a part of your life, that patterned their life after you! You told them to believe in the man upstairs! You told them to say their prayers and to take their vitamins! You told them to believe in themselves and you know something? It's a good thing you told them to believe in themselves because they sure as heck can't believe in you!
:'''Mean Gene''': By the way--
:'''Sting''': ''[grabs mike]'' And last but not least, to put the cherry on the top, all those little kids, you told them to stick it! No, you stick it Hulk! YOU STICK IT!
:'''Mean Gene''': That is very strong. By the way, as fate would have it, these two men and their partner last night. Lex Luger got knocked out early by the action so the two of you had to go at it against the Outsiders. But Macho Man Randy Savage, you were very close with Hulk Hogan as I was. You were part of the Mega Powers. And if anybody got it stuck up, stuck up, well, stuck to him, you really got it stuck to you.
:'''Randy Savage''': I got a message for Hollywood Hogan. What I want to tell you and what I want to do to you, I can't say here on television especially at Disney. But you take the worst thing you can think about and you multiply it by the number nine million and then you multiply it by infinity and beyond, it would be just like one grain of sand in the Sahara desert brother. Because, it's really really scary. What I'm thinking and going to do to you, yeah!

=== July 15 ===
:'''[[w:Gene Okerlund|Mean Gene]]''': Hulk Hogan, Outsiders, you have led us down the primrose path!
:'''Hulk Hogan''': Well you know something Gene-o, I wish I would've done this two years ago brother because the New World Order is taking over professional wrestling. Hulk Hogan is bigger than the sport of professional wrestling. And with the Outsiders, the new blood, the foundation of the New World Order, we shall rule the wrestling world Mean Gene!
:'''Mean Gene''': [[What about the children]]? You know about the thousands and thousands of telephone calls that came into WCW. Every man, woman and child on the face of the earth is totally disgusted with you Hulk Hogan, including myself!
:'''Hulk Hogan''': We all know about the training, the prayers and the vitamins brother and like I said, these people out here, after I led their children down the right path had the gall to boo Hulk Hogan one more time. You fans can stick it brother!
:'''Mean Gene''': Wait a minute, I think Sting and Eric Bischoff brought it up earlier on. I think Sting said it best earlier on when he retorted &quot;Hulk Hogan, ''you'' can stick it!&quot;
:'''Hulk Hogan''': Well you know something brother, as far as people like Sting go, ten years ago when I shook his hand in Venice Beach, he was a skinny little bodybuilder. And when he laid his eyes on Hulk Hogan, he was shaking in his boots. I heard all the crying from the so called Macho Man. For three years, he blamed his divorce, the fact that he couldn't rise to the occasion on Hulk Hogan brother. And over and over and over and over again this past week, I've heard WCW blame Hulk Hogan for their problems. The only problem is I'm the greatest wrestler in the world, I made professional wrestling, I will always be bigger than wrestling and with these two friends of mine, the New World Order shall rule the wrestling world!
:'''Eric''': This conceited jerk!
:'''Mean Gene''': You call these guys friends? You know about this man's background and this man's background, this nWo, Where is it going to go? Who's going to be a part of it? I think that's the question we're all asking ourselves and I'm going to ask you.
:'''Hulk Hogan''': Well these are the renegades brother! These are the men that when I open the door brother, they had the guts enough to walk through it. These are the guys that are going to set the trend for the nineties. They will lead Hulk Hogan and professional wrestling to its destiny. But these guys are just the foundation. The thing that everybody, the people out there don't realize is as I build my empire, will there be more outsiders that I bring in? Or will it be people that are so close to Ted Turner, maybe Eric Bischoff's friends. Who knows man? Maybe the guys that are in the locker room right now. There's always been a double loyalty man. In this business, they've been loyal to the promoters who have paid their bills and they've also been loyal to Hulk Hogan. Because they know where Hulk Hogan goes, that's where professional wrestling goes.
:'''Mean Gene''': You have to vent all of this on these people, the peers of this business. How about the kids that have looked up to you for years and years and now it comes down to this? And this is a pretty good example of the way your life is going to go Hulk Hogan.
:'''Hulk Hogan''': Well you know dude, I laid it out straight for all those kids, brother. They didn't want to follow the path, so I'm done with them! But as far as I'm concerned, I'm not going to mess with that skinny little Macho Man or that crybaby Sting. I'm going right to the top of the ladder, brother! And at ''Hog Wild'', brother, on August the 10th, if the [[w:Paul Wight|Giant]] has got guts enough, I'm going to dismantle the whole Ted Turner organization in one night. We're going to take the WCW belt, make it the New World Order belt and we shall reign supreme from that day forward. And as far as I'm concerned brother, if Ted Turner has any boys in the back that have any guts at all, come on out right now! We'll beat up the whole WCW right now, and what are they gonna do?!!

=== September 16===
:''[Sting comes down to the ring with a microphone]''
:'''Sting''': ''[with his back turned to the main camera]'' I want a chance to explain something that happened last Monday night on ''Nitro''. Last Monday night, I was on an airplane flying from L.A. to Atlanta. When I got to Atlanta, I tuned in the TV to ''Nitro'' and I thought I was watching a rerun. It was a very convincing film. Often imitated but never duplicated though and what else did I see? I saw people, I saw wrestlers, I saw commentators and I saw best friends, doubt the Stinger. That's right, doubt the Stinger. So, I heard Lex Luger say &quot;I know where Sting lives, I know where he works out, I'm gonna go get him!&quot; So I said to myself, &quot;I'll just go into [[seclusion]]. I'll wait and see what happens on ''Saturday Night''.&quot; And I tuned in ''Saturday Night'' and what did I see? I saw more of the same, more doubt. Which brings me to ''Fall Brawl''. I knew I had to get to ''Fall Brawl'' to get face to face with the Total Package to let him know that it wasn't me and what I got out of that was, &quot;No, Sting. I DON'T BELEIVE YOU STING!&quot; Well, all I've got to say is, I have been mediator, I have been babysitter, I've given him the benefit of the doubt about a thousand times in the last twelve months! I have carried the WCW banner and I have given my blood, my sweat and my tears for WCW! So for all of those fans out there and all of those wrestlers and people who've never doubted the Stinger, I'll stand by you if you stand by me. But, for all of the people, all of the commentators, all of the wrestlers and all of the best friends who did doubt me, you can stick it! From now on, I consider myself a free agent. But that doesn't mean you won't see the Stinger. From time to time, I'm going to pop in when you least expect it. 

=== November 18===
:''[The show opens with the Outsiders in the ring with chairs having laid out the Nasty Boys and High Voltage. They go down to ringside where Tony and Larry are standing.]''
:'''Larry''': Not again. Not again with this!
:'''Tony''': What's the problem here?
:'''Kevin Nash''': Does this work? Nice to see you dressed up this week, Larry! ''[to Tony]'' Hey, I don't see you laughing today huh?
:'''Scott Hall''': Funny guy, huh?
:'''Nash''': I was so funny last week right? Funny like a clown right? Were you laughing at me? I ain't so funny tonight am I? You see, we can put this on any time we want. I can be funny, I can be deadly and so can this man! Hey, let me ask you a question.
:'''Hall''': You got the bad neck, right?
:'''Nash''': You got the bad neck, right? Do you want to pick up your kids, huh?
:'''Tony''': ''[to Larry who's not standing up for Tony]'' Do you want to step in here?
:'''Larry''': Hey, you're the one that laughed at them. They let me know what I think.
:'''Nash''': You talk about a triangle match, right? There's two of the combatants laid out right now.
:'''Hall''': You know, what I want to know is I've been hearing my whole career how scary the Faces of Fear are. They say, everybody says that Meng and the Barbarian are the two toughest guys in the business. Well you tell those two islanders, come on out here and we'll slap that coconut breath out of you. Tell them to come on down. You can't have a Pay Per View in WCW without inviting the nWo.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Larry''': You can't be upset by what happened. These guys are thugs, they're paid by Dibiase and you're okay. So relax about it, don't be all upset.
:'''Tony''': Yeah well, I don't need to be pushed around. I'm not a wrestler. You're a wrestler. So why didn't you step in front for me? How long have we been friends?
:'''Larry''': You're okay and I'm not Clint Eastwood.
:'''Tony''': Well I can only say this and I'm going to apologize to everybody because I've never done this before at all. But I don't need to be pushed around. I've got five children. I've got a wife. I've got a great job. I'll tell you what, big mouth! Why don't you go ahead? Why don't you go ahead and step in front of me? Why don't you handle the broadcast? Why don't you try play-by-play?
:'''Larry''': Don't get upset!
:'''Tony''': I don't need guys who are seven feet tall coming out here! ''[takes off his headset and walks away]''
:'''Larry''': I don't need guys seven feet tall either coming out here!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Eric Bischoff is dismissing Roddy Piper's claim that he leads the NWO, which suddenly comes out and restrains Piper. Hulk Hogan embraces Bischoff, who later shakes Ted DiBiase]''
:'''Hulk Hogan''': Now that everybody realizes who everybody's working for... I mean, my God, this guy right here is the foundation of the WCW. Now he works for the NWO! 

== 1997 ==
===February 10===
:''[Randy Anderson appears with his family to appeal to Eric Bischoff about hiring him back after the events of Souled Out]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''': Kids come on up here. It's all right Randy. It's all right, kids, could you do me a favor. Would you please tell your daddy... that he's ''still fired? [NWO laughs]'' Would you do that for me?
:'''Montana Anderson''': Please, Mr Bischoff!
:'''Bischoff''': Montana please, tell your daddy he's fired, get on with his life.
:'''Kevin Nash''': ''[mocks]'' Do it for little Tiny Tim!
:'''Syxx''': God bless us everyone!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Tony Schiavone and Larry Zbyszko review the Piper/Hogan match footage at Starrcade 1996 that Eric Bischoff confiscated and was somehow played, but when the tape suddenly stops as if it was taken off playback, just as Randy Anderson was about to count off Hogan as submitting to Piper...]''
:'''Tony Schiavone''': What's going on here?
:'''Zbyszko''': Well that wasn't nothing...
:'''Schiavone''': We did not get this - ''[talks to production crew on the headset]'' what happened? Can anybody tell me what happened? The tape stopped? The tape broke?
:'''Zbyszko''': Well what happened was -
:'''Schiavone''': Someone's getting the tape in the production truck.
:'''Zbyszko''': Who's in the truck?
:'''Schiavone''': We're trying to find out fans, I apologize. I'm just talking to Craig Leathers, Keith Mitchell, in our video production truck. Someone apparently went and you hear the tape queueing up. You saw right there, I mean the hand was going up and it was gonna be the end of Hollywood Hulk Hogan with the sleeper. We all witnessed what happened, Eric Bischoff went into the video truck and grabbed the tape.
:'''Zbyszko''': Well, anyway, the world saw what happened, we knew about it, now the missing footage had been recovered and what happened-
:''[Eric Bischoff confronts the announcers with the tape]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''': Don't you ever, don't you EVER, EVER, pull a stunt like that again. You or anybody else in this organization ''[puts down mic and starts tearing out the tape]'' ever, ever again. ''[leaves]'' 
:'''Schiavone''': We'll take a break.
:'''Zbyszko''': He could beat up a tape, that's impressive!

===February 17===
:''[Eric Bischoff is fuming mad at Jimmy Jett passing Randy Anderson brass knuckles during his match with Nick Patrick]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''': What do you think you're doing?!? You knocked him out! What is this? What is that? You know better than that! You know better than that! You used to be a referee!
:'''Jimmy Jett''': Hey he won the match-
:'''Bischoff''': You used to be a referee!! You are nothing! ''[to Anderson]'' And YOU. I saw it! Let me, let me tell you what you won. Now, you just won a permanent vacation and you are fired! Fired! Spell it, F-I-R-E-D! Leave the building now! Now! You're fired! 
:'''Jett''': It's not fair
:'''Bischoff''': It's not fair! Take those with you!

===September 1===  
:''[the NWO comes out spoofing the Four Horsemen, with Kevin Nash as Arn Anderson]''
:'''Kevin Nash''': I take care of Horsemen business. Before I go any further: Let me all of the Horsemen out here know one thing: Guys, the beer is on ice. You know something, it's pretty ironic that on Labour Day WCW would decide to honor me cause anybody who followed my career knows one thing: You were always wondering when I was gonna go into labour.

:You know I sat back that day and I watched that highlight tape of my career and I said to myself: You know: I'm a guy of average size, average speed, average quickness, average looks, average intelligence, average carpentry skills - but you know what? I parlayed that into a wrestling career that I might say so myself was quite excellent. But you know something? Four months ago, I had a neck injury. Subsequently I lost the feeling in my hand, my left hand. The significance of that: That's the hand I open beer with. But you know something? I willed myself back from that injury. I got to the gym - I didn't do anything there, I walked around - but I got to the gym. And you know what? I started a comeback.

:But about a week ago, I went to the neighborhood bar, I bellied up against the bar like only I can and a fat broad - that's right, a fat broad - came up and smacked me in the back. That sent a chill down me... same fat broads that've been following the Horsemen for 20 years. But as I looked at that longneck laying on that cheap industrial grey carpentry, I said to myself: How ironic. That wasn't so much that I was out three dollars and 75 cents, what it was to me was sand tickin' down through the hourglass - and everybody knows, so are the days of our lives. ''[Syxx imitates Ric Flair crying]'' You know one thing you can say, when Arn Anderson was comin' to town - beside the fact that I left a lot of unpaid bar tabs - was Arn Anderson was comin' to town. And you knew if I was on the card, how I was gonna give you 100 per cent - no matter how drunk, how hung over I was. I was gonna give you all ahead. And back in those days before the nWo, you eight people that bought those tickets, got one heck of a show. But you know what? As I come out here tonight, I ask you people: Don't remember how I used to be. Remember me how I look right now. ''[to Konnan as Steve McMichael]'' Good, Mongo!

:''[to Buff Bagwell as Curt Hennig]'' So Curt, that puts me and you and I got a challenge for you. Wait a second, I don't wanna fight you, cause I ain't want one for twenty years. What I got for you is a challenge, because as much as I wanna be a Horseman, I know if I come out here right now, I'd not only put him in danger, I would put my best friends in danger and I can't do that. So what I'm doing tonight is I got a challenge you and I ain't got much to offer you, cause the beer is already spoken for. But what I do got is I got a spot. A spot with the Four Horsemen. Not just a spot, not a liver spot, not a 'Spot' like your dog Spot. No, not just any spot – but myyyyy spot. So I need to know right now: Do you accept it? My spot - not their spot, liver spot, not dog Spot, not anybody's spot, MY spot to become a Four Horsemen. Not my spot, anybody's spot, dog Spot, liver spot, MY spot.

===September 15===
:''[The show opens with footage of Ric Flair after being stitched up in a hospital as a result of last night's Fall Brawl when Curt Hennig slammed the cage door in his head'']
:'''Tony Schiavone''': ''[very shaken up]'' Fans, uh... ''Nitro'', as you can see, is on the air. Before I go into this card, I need to say something that I've really never said before. You know, 13 years ago, I got into this business because of Ric Flair. I was a minor league baseball announcer in this same city. He went to bat for me for the promoters and I became a wrestling announcer and when I look back on what has happened to me, I credit Ric Flair. And you have seen Ric Flair and what hap.......I can't do this show. I'm sorry. ''[takes off his headset and leaves]''

===September 22===
:'''Mean Gene Okerlund''': That's very impressive, a gentleman the stature of Hugh Morrus, and you absolutely got in there and manhandled him tonight. ''[Bill Goldberg just walks away]'' Sir, I've got to get a little bit more than that. Gentleman's just walking away from me.
:'''Larry Zbyszko''': Is he a mute?
:'''Mean Gene''': I can't believe that. Tony, I haven't seen anything like that. Very impressive. But who is this guy Goldberg?

===November 10===
:''[The NWO appears in the ring with Canadian flags and having brought back Kevin Nash...]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''': ...And now the announcement I know I have been waiting to make, 'cause I have been working on this for a long time, the newest addition of the NWO, and Bret Hart, because you were such a... ''[punches the air] knockout'' kind of a guy! ''[everybody laughs, knowing its a reference to Bret punching Vince McMahon after the Montreal Screwjob]''
:'''Hulk Hogan''': He passed the initiation!
:'''Bischoff''': We have a special, special ''[pulls out paper from his jacket]'' gift for you. Liz, can you come around here? ''[passes out paper to NWO members]'' All right let's do it. On three, one, two - this is for you, Bret - three ''[the NWO sings O Canada]''

===November 17===
:'''Rick Rude''': Oh what a difference a day makes. Twenty-four little hours. You know and we all have our 15 minutes of fame and I'd like to take a couple of my 15 minutes to talk about the rights and the wrongs in the world of professional wrestling. What's wrong in the world of professional wrestling is Shawn Michaels claiming to be World Champion when he never beat Bret Hart. What's wrong with the world of professional wrestling is for Vince McMahon to instruct the [[w:Montreal Screwjob|referee to ring the bell]] in order to rob Bret Hart of his title. But on the other hand, what's right in the world of professional wrestling is for Bret Hart to abandon the Titanic and swim to the refuge of the nWo. What's right with the world of professional wrestling is nWo's course to destruct WCW. What's right with the world of professional wrestling is for the nWo to beat the living shhhh out of the man called Sting. Now the only thing wrong with that entire situation is that I didn't have the chance to participate. Sting second verse is gonna be same as the first. A little bit rowdier and a whole lot worse, because this time Sting I will partake.

===December 22===
:''[Hulk is in the middle of another promo when a WCW event staffer delivers him a silver gift box]''
:'''Hulk Hogan''': The NWO is just too sweet. Oh, oh my God! ''[sees Bret Hart arrive in a limousine with women and a male waiter accompanying him]'' You're right. It's only one guy. The newest member of the NWO, Bret Hitman Hart. I knew it had to be him, boss. Thank you Bret. ''[opens box and suddenly pulls up a fake severed head of himself; screams in horror]'' Oh my God! ''[points to Bret thinking he delivered the head]''
:'''Mike Tenay''': Looks like a message has been delivered to Hollywood Hulk Hogan and the NWO, Mr Rude.
:'''Rick Rude''': What is this?
:'''Bobby Heenan''': What is going on now? 
:'''Rude''': Is Bret Hart trying to say he wants a piece of the NWO? 
:'''Tenay''': ''[sees spotlight focused on Sting]'' Look at that, it's Sting! He's arrived on the scene.
:'''Heenan''': He's on top of the NWO sign, at the top of the building here in Macon.
:'''Rude''': ''[as Sting ziplines to the ring]'' Take him out Hollywood, take him out! 
:'''Tenay''': ''[Hogan scampers out of the ring]'' Sting is on his way to the ring. We'll see you Sunday at Starrcade!

== 1998 ==
===May 11===
:''[Eric Bischoff shoots on DX's recent assaults]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''': As I look through the crowd tonight, I wonder what you must be thinking and I wonder what Vince McMahon is thinking. You know because for the last couple of weeks he's been sending his little wannabes around demanding to talk to ''moi''. The only problem with that is, he only sends them where he knows I'm not going to be. That's okay because I've got a little solution. Sean Waltman, you want an apology from me? You actually show up at our offices on a Monday afternoon when I think even you Sean are smart enough to figure out I probably wouldn't be there. As far as the apology goes - bite me! I apologize to no one.

:But I've got a better idea because, Sean, I know you're just a little puppet and you do what Vince McMahon tells you to do, so Vince McMahon, this is for you. I'm coming to your backyard this Sunday. That's right, in Worcester, Massachussetts we've got a little PPV thing going on and I've got a hell of an idea. You want me? I'm gonna be in your back yard. Consider this an open invitation, Vince McMahon. You show up at Slamboree, it will be me and you McMahon, in the ring. How about it, Vinnie? But I want to warn you people right now, if you think Vince McMahon has got the guts to show up, don't buy this PPV because I guarantee you he is not man enough to step into this ring with me. But I'll be there Vinnie Mac, I'll be waiting for you. And I'm going to knock you out. See you there.

===July 6===
:''[The NWO meet somebody who's just arrived and Hogan earlier hinted as somebody Goldberg must defeat first to face him in the main event - Scott Hall]''
:'''Hulk Hogan''': ''[as they walk to the arena]'' You're toast.
:'''Scott Hall''': Can't have a party without me, baby.
:'''Hogan''': That's right brother.
:'''Eric Bischoff''': ''[to Hall]'' God, we missed you!
:'''Hall''': I gotta heat things up.
:'''Bischoff''': Oh and you know how!
:'''Hall''': I gotta heat things up.
:'''Hogan''': I like it.
:'''Curt Hennig''': How you feeling?
:'''Hall''': Too sweet.
:'''Hogan''': Got the party goods, we got the goods for the party, let's go!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Tony Schiavone''': The fans stand, showing their signs, and we are walking with Goldberg, and security from Goldberg's own locker room area following with him all the way to the ring, as you look live back in the locker room area. Surrounding Goldberg, some of Atlanta's finest, Doug Dillinger as well with WCW security, and here they come.
:'''Bobby &quot;The Brain&quot; Heenan''': What's going through his mind right now? I've never been in that situation, going for a world championship, let alone with that list of victories this man has, in his backyard, hometown in front of everybody he played for, played with. What an evening, what drama right now.
:'''Tony''': Long walk for Goldberg, but it's been a long wait since he arrived in the Georgia Dome earlier in the day. So what's another long walk for Goldberg? They're almost down here now.
:''[Goldberg now walks alone]''
:'''Bobby''': Well, Hogan may be taking a long walk too. A ''real'' long walk back to the dressing room empty-handed.
:'''Tony''': But could the unblemished mark, the incredible series of wins by Goldberg come to a crashing end here tonight?
:'''Bobby''': And you know, Tony, if Hogan is to defeat this man, you know what the nWo's gonna be like then with Hogan and Eric Bischoff in charge.
:'''Tony''': ''[as Goldberg reaches the entrance]'' And there he is.
:'''Mike Tenay''': And here comes the eruption.
:'''Bobby''': Bigger than before.
:'''Tony''': This is his moment.
:''[Goldberg stands on the ramp as the pyrotechnics envelope him for twenty seconds. When they subside, he walks to the ring surrounded by the security from before]''
:'''Bobby''': It's a long way down.
:'''Tony''': There you look at Goldberg, and think about what Goldberg represents. A virtual unknown in this sport who walked into WCW, and he represents every wrestler who wanted just to walk in here and become the World Champ. That's what he represents as he makes his way to the ring.
:'''Bobby''': He looks ready! Do it for me! Do it for the fans! Get rid of Hogan! And what's Hogan's mentality gonna be at ''Bash at the Beach'' if he's not heavyweight champion of the world along with Rodman?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': Look at Goldberg! He's ready!
:'''Tony''': He's poised... ''[Goldberg spears Hulk Hogan]'' Hogan goes down!
:'''Bobby''': Okay, there's part one! Now finish him off! Finish him off!
:'''Tony''': ''[Goldberg signals for the Jackhammer]'' He's calling for it!
:'''Bobby''': This is it! This is it! ''[Goldberg sets Hogan up for the Jackhammer]'' Your career's on the line here! Do it! Do it! This place'll erupt when he picks him up.
:'''Tony''': ''[Goldberg lifts Hogan in a suplex]'' He's got him up! ''[...and slams Hogan to the mat]'' Oh Hell Yeah!
:'''Tony and Bobby''': ''[counting with the referee]'' One...
:'''Tony''': ''[continues]'' ...two...THREE!!!
:'''Bobby''': OH, THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! We got a new heavyweight champion of the world! The first undefeated man in the history of this sport to ever win the World Championship, and have a record of 107, 108...who cares?! There's zero on the other side! We've got a new champion! Listen to this! ''[pauses to acknowledge the cheering crowd and &quot;Goldberg&quot; chants]'' Wow.
:'''Mike''': Thirty-one-year-old Bill Goldberg, less than ten months in the sport, is on top of the wrestling world.
:'''Tony''': ''[off a shirt]'' &quot;Who's next?&quot;
:'''Bobby''': Who cares?
:'''Tony''': &quot;Who cares&quot; is right. The hero has come through, lades and gentlemen, you have witnessed professional wrestling history on many levels. A man who is undeniably the toughest we have seen in decades, a man who undeniably will lead pro wrestling into the next millennium, stands in the Georgia Dome int front of more than 39,000 fans.
:'''Bobby''': Tony, there's a new sheriff in town.
:'''Tony''': When we go to Bash at the Beach, Goldberg will be the world champ. Its only six days away.
:'''Bobby''': We still got Thunder, Wednesday.
:'''Tony''': With the new world champion. Well, there's nothing more that this announce crew can add to what you've been a witness here tonight. It's been a night for the ages, it's been a night that we will never forget because on Monday, July 6th, 1998, Goldberg captured the gold. Goldberg, went to 108 and 0, and in less than one year, Goldberg, the phenomenon that is Bill Goldberg, at age 31, is the heavyweight champion of the world, and they're not going anywhere...
:'''Bobby''': No.
:'''Tony''': They're still standing, chanting his name, paying homage to their hero. 
:'''Mike''': Let the celebration begin!
:'''Tony''': For Iron Mike Tenay and Bobby &quot;The Brain&quot; Heenan...
:'''Bobby''': Thank you!!
:'''Tony''': and Larry Zsbysko, and Mean Gene, and everybody in pro wrestling... Goodnight, America!!
:'''Mike''': Goldberg's the champ! Let's go!

===August 17===
:''[Hollywood Hogan is in the middle of a promo calling out DDP for &quot;somebody from his past.&quot; Jim Hellwig, aka Warrior comes in and enters the ring]''
:'''Warrior''': Talk to me, Warriors!!! ''[at top rope]'' Feel the real power, Hogan!!
:'''Hollywood Hogan''': ''[shaken by his appearance]'' I thought you were dead!
:'''Warrior''': Who holds the absolute power now, Hollywood Hogan? Unleash that raising voice, Warriors! [Warrior Chants] Seems as if no formal introduction is gonna be necessary! Actually, it even seems as if there are those who anticipated my arrival! ''[disgusted at Hogan offering his NWO shirt as if inviting him to join]'' What is that smell? You might want to use it to clean up the mess you just made all over yourself! You need to open your eyes and ears, take control of the limited ability you have to understand the words I am about to say. For years, I have watched while this industry, with you as it's figurehead, has tried to create what is simply un-re-cre-at-able. I have heard, listened to all the innuendos and speculation that something ULTIMATE or WARRIOR may soon reappear. Welcome to the reappearance!&lt;/br&gt; Those things, Hogan, which are irreplaceable, whether they be people, places, or things, are never forgotten. You are witnessing that - RIGHT NOW! History tells us, Hogan... ''[“Hogan sucks”-Chants]'' Let's talk about something he doesn't know! History tells us, Hogan, that a man's legacy is build from the premise that within his life the moments lived, once lived, become a piece of his history. Somehow, you have conveniently, even eloquently, misplaced pieces of your history.&lt;/br&gt; In the [[WrestleMania#WrestleMania_VI_(1990)|one time, epochal battle between us]], Hogan, you were the quintessential influence of what was good, great, and heroic. But different than you may remember, and albeit you may have beaten myths, legends, giants, and other great men, you never - never - beat a warrior. AND, certainly, not THE ULTIMATE ONE! As a victor of that one-time battle, I defeated what was, until then, undefeatable. I conquered what was then unconquerable. I dominated what was, until then, indomitable. On that day, you were great. I was ULTIMATE!&lt;/br&gt; Let me introduce myself, to those two fools that stand behind you. Let's see, this - dude ''[points to the Disciple]'' - must be your barber. And ''[to Eric Bischoff]'' who are you, little man? Who are you?
:'''Eric Bischoff''': You know who I am. My name is Eric Bischoff, I run this company and who invited you?
:'''Warrior''': ''[laughs]'' Different than you want to make people believe, I never received an invitation, I showed up on my own accord, and let me tell you, Mr. Eric Bischoff, if you stick your nose in my business, you only, very quickly, prepare for your own demise. Furthermore, when I get done with my business here, I'm going to be sending you a bill. I suggest you pay it. I have waited patiently. The WARRIORS have waited all too patiently.&lt;/br&gt; Now - NOW - the virtue of justice unties my hands so that I can continue to fulfill a destiny set in motion upon that memorable day years ago - a destiny at the next level - a destiny beckoning the next Super Hero. There really is no sadder sight than when a grown man fears the challenges in his life so much that he rationalises adolescent behaviour to the point where he carries out heinous and self-indulgent actions - YOUR evilness, the evilness you embody and portray, is intolerable.&lt;/br&gt; I am the one that has the power to destroy you. It's source, Hogan, the truth, is inexhaustible. I come here, not to beat you up tonight, Hogan - beating you means nothing anymore. Everybody already has. No no no no no no no, that's too easy. Because you felt guilty for being who you were. Your mind became weak and Hulkamania became boring. I come here, Hogan, to tell you next week I intend to launch a revolution not even YOU can control. I ask you to find the courage - check it out - next week, same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel.&lt;/br&gt;

===September 14===

:'''Arn Anderson''': Can you smell it, JJ? Take a breath. Can you smell it? When 15,000 people blow the roof off a place, that's what a pop smells like. Take a bow. What you said to me is what all those people have been saying to me for a year and a half, and only a true friend would say that. They said &quot;Arn Anderson, stand up and be a man, like you've always been!&quot; And I couldn't hear those words, 'cause something was in the way and I'm gonna start at the beginning, because you have to start at the beginning because tonight IS a new beginning for the Four Horsemen.
:Now when I was a kid, like all kids, people asked you &quot;what do you wanna be when you grow up?&quot; There was no grey area for me, I always knew I wanted to be a wrestler. And when that finally happened for me, it was the proudest day of my life. And in 1986, I started coming to these towns, just like Greenville, South Carolina, as a Horseman. And my life changed forever, and the doors it opened for me, I had never dreamed of. And wrestling the greatest wrestlers in the world in a town like this and all across this country showed me who I was. And every day that I woke up since then I tried to uphold the standards that we, you and I and the rest of us set for ourselves.
:And about a year and a half ago, I laid down on an operating table and when I woke up, Arn Anderson the wrestler was dead, and I thought to myself how could I be a Horseman if I couldn't be a wrestler. Well, the fact is I couldn't in my mind...
:'''Crowd''': We Want Flair!
:'''Arn''': Trust me, everybody's gonna get what they want tonight, Bischoff. Eric Bischoff.
:So when I thought I could no longer be a Horsemen, Chris Benoit came to me first and he said &quot;this can all happen.&quot; And with that prelude, I would like to bring the other three Horsemen out right now. Steve &quot;Mongo&quot; McMichael, come on down. ''[Steve McMichael enters the ring, as do the other Horsemen when called]'' Chris Benoit, come on down. Dean Malenko, come on down.
:Now, before we go any further. Chris Benoit, you got this thing rolling, and I'm gonna go on record as saying, if there's a finer wrestler in all the land than you, I don't know who it is. Your intensity, the first time I saw you wrestle, made you something special. You are something special in my eyes, you knew what it meant to be a Horsemen. You will carry that tradition way past the year 2000.
:Mongo McMichael, you're hard-headed, lotta times you're hard to be around, but the fact is in my eyes, you're all man. You're certainly All-Pro, and when this is all said and done, if I've got anything to say about it, you will mean to this sport what you've meant to the sport of pro football.
:Now Dean Malenko. I've been out here ya/king for the last ten years about what it meant to be a Horseman: work ethic, respect for the business, respect for each other, respect for the people that came before us. And while I was yakking the last year, and the last couple of months, you were out there fighting the fights for the Horsemen. You exemplify what a Horseman has always meant: overachievement. Being the very best you could be, each and every day of your life, whether you were sick, or hurt, or whatever the case may be, and it makes me proud, now I'm gonna say one more time. I've said that you didn't get it; well, ''I'' didn't get it, because if there was ever a Horseman it makes me a little misty-eyed and real proud to call on this day the finest thing you can be in this sport of professional wrestling, that's a Horseman.
:Ladies and gentlemen, through the year 2000, we're gonna do exactly what all of you across this nation have asked: &quot;Arn Anderson, bring back the Horsemen!&quot; But I feel it fair to tell ya, I'm not gonna be responsible for what happens next. 'Cause we don't wear white hats, we're not nice guys, and I can tell you this: heads are gonna roll! So, I've said it: Be careful what you wish for, because now you have it!
:Ah, what a goof! What a goof! You know, I get accused of gettin' racked in the head a few times and having a little touch of Alzheimer's. My God! I almost forgot the fourth Horseman! Ric Flair, get on down here!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ric Flair''': Thank you, thank you very much. I'm almost embarrassed by the response, but when I see this, I know that the twenty - five years that I've spent trying to make you happy every night of your life was worth every damn minute of it. Now, somebody told me that the Horsemen were having a party tonight in Greenville! Could that be true that the most elite group that Eric Bischoff said was dead, is alive and well? Bischoff, this might be my only shot, and I gotta tell ya, I'm gonna make it my best. Is this what you call a great moment in TV? It's wrong, because this is REAL! This is not bought and paid for! It's a REAL - LIFE - SITUATION! Just like the night in Columbia, South Carolina, when you looked at me - tears in my eyes - and said 'God, that's good TV' - it was real! Arn Anderson passed the torch - it was real, dammit! You think Sting was crying in the dressing room like I was on TV if it wasn't real? This guy, my best friend, is one of the greatest performers who ever lived, and YOU - you squashed him, in one night. Then you get on the phone and tell me, &quot;Disband the Horsemen. They're dead. Disband the Four Horsemen.&quot; You know what? I looked at myself in the mirror the next day and I saw a pathetic figure that gave up and quit! And for that, I owe you, the wrestling fans, I owe these guys an apology. Because it won't happen again! ''[Bischoff appears at the entrance way]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''': You're history! This is my TV!!
:'''Flair''': Bischoff, whatever you think... You're an overbearing asshole! That's right! You're an obnoxious, you're an obnoxious, overbearing ass! Abuse of power! You! Abuse of power! Cut me off! Come on! It's called abuse of power! 
:'''Bischoff''': You'll never ever wrestle on my television again!
:'''Flair''': You suck! You... I hate your guts. I hate your guts. 
:'''Bischoff''': ''[as he walks away]'' This is my house! You're history!
:'''Flair''': You are a liar, you're a cheat, you're a scam, you are a no-good son of a bitch. 
:'''Bischoff''': You're history!
:'''Flair''': Fire me! I'm already fired! Fire me! I'm already fired!

===December 14===
:''[Ric Flair and the Four Horsemen just fought off the NWO, and he's still livid over Eric Bischoff kissing his wife the week before]''
:'''Ric Flair''': BISCHOFF!!! For 25 years, for whatever I have been, good and bad, I've been a man, you son of a bitch! And good or bad, I can walk in the door of my house and know that those kids, and that wife forgave me for everything I ever did wrong because they depended on me to live day in and day out! You, you start out, you come in here, you promise me the world and then you take my career, you try to shitcan that, that didn't work, because ''[to the fans]'' they, right here, 40,000 strong, wouldn't let you do it!
:'''Bobby Heenan''': It's the most intense I've ever seen him.
:'''Flair''': Then, you put your lawyers on me and you know what, you damn near broke me, but I would like to the wire, I fought you every step of the way. I gave in, I came back, not 'coz of you, but because my little boy, ten years old, walked up to me and said, &quot;Dad, why don't you just beat the hell out of Bischoff and get back in the world?&quot; He didn't understand politics, he didn't understand lawyers, but he understands that every day of his life, his dad said two things to him: Never quit. Promise me for as long as I am alive, you will never quit - and last Thursday night, you stepped over the line AND I ALMOST QUIT! I almost couldn't live it, you put your hands on my children, you kissed my wife, you no-good rotten bastard! What do you think my kids felt when they went to school, embarrassed? No. Shocked? No. You stepped over the line. You took something...
:''[Eric Bischoff appears at the entranceway]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''': ''[mock sadness]'' Oh, Ric, I feel so bad.. ''[sees Flair running up to him; to security]'' STOP HIM STOP HIM!!! ''[security restrains Flair]'' Come on, come on! Come and get me, come and get me be careful with him, he's got a bad heart! He's got a bad heart! ''[as the officers cuff him]'' Arrest him! Arrest him, so I can fire him!!

== 1999 ==
=== January 4===
:'''Tony Schiavone''': If you're even thinking about changing the channel to our competition, fans, do not. Because we understand that Mick Foley, who wrestled here one time as Cactus Jack, is going to win their World Title. ''[sarcastically]'' That's gonna put some butts in the seats.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Tony''': Fans, I want to reiterate something I talked about before the commercial break. If you're thinking about changing channels to our competition, we want to let you know that unlike us, they've got their show in the can, their show's been taped. Later tonight, Mick Foley, who once wrestled here as Cactus Jack, is gonna win their World Title. I mean, that's gonna be their World Champion. Ha ha!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Tony''': Fans, as you know, it's getting close to the 11:00 hour. We're gonna stay right here, we're gonna follow all the action as long as it takes, so stay with us. These are not taped matches. This is happening live, this is ''Nitro''. ''[Bell rings]'' The bell sounds, Billy Silverman making the call. No matter what happens, we're staying with you here tonight.
:'''Bobby &quot;The Brain&quot; Heenan''': Even if it goes on ''all'' night, we're gonna be here.
:'''Tony''': That's what we're all about.
:'''Bobby''': We're live!
:...
:'''Tony''': Listen to the fans! Look at Hogan's reaction!
:'''Bobby''': Over 40,000+! This is better than a playoff game!
:'''Tony''': Hell, this is what pro wrestling, what World Championship Wrestling is all about!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Tony''': ''[on Hogan]'' He's been in so many big matches.
:'''Bobby''': Boy, he has.
:''[Hogan fakes a punch, [[w:Fingerpoke of Doom|then lightly pokes Kevin Nash, who drops to the mat.]] Hogan covers him.]''
:'''Tony''': ''[as Silverman counts]'' What was that about? What's going on here? ''[Silverman counts to three. Hogan, Nash, Hall, and Scott Steiner celebrate in the ring]'' What just happened here?
:'''Bobby''': This stinks.
:'''Michael Buffer''': Ladies and gentlemen, the winner and new Heavyweight Champion of the world, from nWo Hollywood, Hulk Hogan!
:'''Eric Bischoff''': ''[having been silent all night]'' It is unbelievable! The new World Heavyweight Champion, Hollywood Hulk Hogan!

===October 11===

:'''Tony Schiavone''': Before we start with tonight's action, Brain, there's something we both, but particularly you, have to say about our longtime friend Gorilla Monsoon.
:'''Bobby &quot;The Brain&quot; Heenan''': Gorilla will be sadly missed. He was one big, tough man, he was a decent honest man, and we're all going to miss him very much. And you know the pearly gates in heaven?
:'''Tony''': Yeah.
:'''Bobby''': It's now gonna be called the Gorilla position. Goodbye, my friend.

==2000==
===February 7===
:''[Scott Steiner, his women, and the NWO are in the ring]''
:'''Scott Steiner''': Now last week, I was watching TV and I watched a 53-year-old man come down here who wears more loose skin than a Shar-Pei puppy come out here saying he's still &quot;The Man.&quot; I see Ric Flair No.2, the Nature Boy come out here, who's been the butt-end of all the jokes, 'cause he's supposed to be the limousine-riding, jet-flying son of a gun, but I'm saying one time, you shoulda take a cab, and used to that money to fix that scrooked yellow teeth! So I asked myself, &quot;if WCW was going to hire the Nature Boy No.2, why wouldn't they hire the Nature Boy, the ''original'' Nature Boy, Buddy Rogers?&quot; Now I know that Buddy Rogers is dead - God rest his soul - but Ric Flair, your career is dead! And I know as he lays six feet under, he's still styling and profiling, 'cause when you used your little brain and stole his name, there's one thing you couldn't steal, and that was his class. So when you walked down that aisle last week, I know I wasn't alone, 'cause the people at home, all they did was grab their remote, change the channel to WWF and watch Stone Cold, a person you and your old friends got fired from here 'cause you're a jealous, old bastard. So Ric Flair, remember this, in this wrestling business, there's never been a bigger ass-kissing, butt-sucking bastard in this business, but also in life, you're the biggest ass-kiss, back-stabbing, butt-sucking bastard and you belong where you're at, in WCW, because WCW sucks... and so do you! Me? I'm just gonna stand here in the NWO for life!

===April 10===
:''[Jeff Jarrett reveals Vince Russo as the Powers That Be]''
:'''Vince Russo''': You know, after giving six years of my life to the World Wrestling Federation I came to WCW with one thing in mind - and that was to beat Vince McMahon at his own game! And you know what? Within a matter of weeks, the new blood in WCW was not only getting back in the game, they were changing the game! And that's when the good ol' boy network kicked in - afraid of change, and more importantly afraid of their jobs - the political BS took place in the back to bring Vince Russo down. And you stayin' at home know who you are 'cause you're watching me now. And then one day I'm told that there's gonna be a change in direction - a change that I knew SUCKED! And you know what? I wasn't the only one who knew - Benoit knew - Guerrero knew - Saturn knew - Malenko knew - Douglas knew - and they left! They're gone! Scott Steiner - he knew it, and they suspended his ass! Well you know what? That's all over now. It's done. And Vince Russo is back in charge again. And I wanna turn around now and I wanna say something to everybody in this ring. It is OVER. The old boys management is over. The inflated egos in the back, afraid to lose their spot - it is over. It is the dawning of a new day - it is your opportunity - seize that opportunity!
:''[Eric Bischoff appears]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''': Are you done yet? Let me tell you something. This man - Vince Russo and I - have more in common than anybody knows. But the big thing is the fact that we were both screwed by the same... good ol' boys network. Vince is right - those days are over. But it's okay! I don't even mind. And you know why I don't mind? Because it's giving me a hell of an opportunity to think about all the great things I did in WCW, but it's also given me an opportunity to realize the mistakes I've made... mistakes like Scott Hall, Kevin Nash, Sting, Diamond Dallas Page, and oh yeah, oh yeah... let's not forget Sid &quot;Wished he was&quot; Vicious. But you know what the biggest mistake I've ever made? I mean this is the real big one. Hulk Hogan. I'm sorry - I really am sorry.
:Everybody told me he would screw me - he would use me - they said, do not look into that red and yellow light because you will be blinded. Well, I was blinded, but tonight I've got 20/20 vision - I'm seeing real clearly for the first time in a long time, and right now I want to apologize to everybody in this ring - The New Blood - and I want you guys to know that if there's anything I can do for Vince Russo that will help you, I am there for him - I am there for you, because it is a whole new WCW. And where are they? Where are they, where is Diamond Dallas Page? Where is Sting? Where are they?
:'''Russo''': I think they're hiding in the back with the old tail between their legs.
===July 15===
:''[Tony Schiavone and Mark Madden talk about the Billy Kidman/Torrie Wilson sex tape on Nitro and the subsequent segment between Torrie and Shane Douglas on Thunder.]''
:'''Tony Schiavone''': ... that fueled the fire for this &quot;Viagra on a Pole&quot; Match.
:'''Mark Madden''': I'll tell you... I'll tell you what, you can't come out of here limping in a match like this. You gotta get it up right away and keep it up.
===August 14===
:'''Vince Russo''': ''[Standing in the ring with Tank Abbott at the start of the show]'' You know, it seems like deja vu all over again. I stood in this very ring [[w:Bash at the Beach|one month ago]], and I made history. I made an example out of somebody... and you all know who [[w:Hulk Hogan|that]] is, because that piece of shit hasn't been around since! Well tonight, I'm gonna make an example on live TV out of another piece of shit, Goldberg! You don't screw with me and the fact is I came out here tonight to fire Bill Goldberg's ass on national TV! Yeah, cheer for him you asshole Canadians! Well you know what? Brad Siegel wouldn't let me fire Goldberg because the fans love Goldberg! Well I say screw the fans and I say screw Bill Goldberg! And Goldberg, since I could not fire your ass, well I'm going to have your ass kicked right here tonight and he's right here Bill. Remember what happened at the Phillips arena Bill? Well we all know that was bullshit! So I say Bill, you bring it out here and lets call it in the ring. Do it Tank! You know, let me explain something to you assholes! You see, Bill Goldberg, Bill Goldberg believes in his own little mind that if this world were real, then he could take everybody! He could kick everybody's ass! He could kick your ass Tank! You know Bill, you think you're Superman, you think you're invincible, you think I can't beat you huh? Well I'll tell you what, I've got the kryptonite to stick up your ass tonight pal! What do I got to do? Do I got to beg you to come out here chickenshit?! What's the matter Bill? You don't want to come out here? You don't know the script? You don't know the storyline? Tank will call your ass!
===September 11===
:''[Big Poppa Pump is interviewed by Mean Gene]''
:'''Scott Steiner''': That's right Mean Gene, I don't lay down for nobody and whether I leave here the world champion tonight, it don't matter because it's not going to change my focus on getting even with Goldberg for fracturing my face at Fall Brawl. Goldberg! I'm getting even for you fracturing my face and I'm gonna prove to you that I'm the man with the largest arms in the world! I'm the genetic freak and size does matter! And that statement, Mean Gene, comes true whether I'm in the ring or out of the ring. See where all my freaks are horizontal, they understand size, they appreciate size and size does matter and they know that they don't have to wait for the Earth to rotate on a 47-degree axis so the stars can touch the sky and create an equinox so they see the Big Dipper. No no no, all they gotta do is call the Big Poppa, cause I'm the man with the big dipper and satisfaction's coming when I go behind and do the bump n' grind and it's only a matter of time before they call me the big bad booty daddy! So Goldberg, realize this. I only care about two things in this world: my freaks and my peaks and I'll beat your ass down at Fall Brawl and I'm about to put you in the Steiner Recliner and I'm gonna whisper in your ear, 'Size does matter, bitch!'

==2001==
===March 19===
:''[Booker T calls out Big Poppa Pump and Ric Flair]''
:'''Booker T''': Yo Steiner, Flair. I told you I was gonna talk to the man and that man is Eric Bischoff, so shut up and listen.
:'''Eric Bischoff''': ''[by phone patch]'' Thank you Booker. For those of you in the arena and all of you watching around the country this evening, I would very much would have chosen to be there tonight in person as I could be but given everything that's going on tonight, that's just not possible. Many of you may know that for the past six months I've been working with a group of people whose goal was - and is - to acquire World Championship Wrestling and to grow it once again to becoming a competitive, dominant wrestling organization worldwide. 
:But recently, we've hit a couple of roadblocks that may be in fact brick walls, and while it is still in my power, I want to do something befitting what could be very well the last night of wrestling on the Turner networks. Given the fact that that wrestling has been such an important part of Turner's history for the past 29 years, I've been thinking over the weekend on what I could do to provide an exciting program that this historic event should be. To that end, I want to make an announcement now that next Monday night in Panama City is indeed going to be a &quot;Night of Champions.&quot; By that, I mean every championship will be up for grabs, starting with the World Cruiserweight Championship, the Cruiserweight Tag Team Championships, the World Tag Team championship, the US title, and the World Heavyweight will also be up for grabs next Monday night at Panama City. And Scott Steiner, Booker T, I want you to, to be aware now that your match is going to be a &quot;Title Vs Title&quot; match. The contracts are prepared, a WCW representative is standing by to make sure that the contracts are executed. Read them carefully, sign them, be prepared to defend your titles next Monday night. And also given the historic nature of this occasion and my relationship with this company for nearly ten years, I wanna personally extend an open invitation to any former - and I mean ''any former'' - World Heavyweight champion in WCW to join us in Panama City, and don't be afraid to bring your boots with you. 
:Lastly, Ric Flair, you and I have had a very rocky relationship over the past ten years and while I have a tremendous amount of respect for you and what you've done in wrestling history and what you've done for WCW for so long now, I want to make sure that in your case, a promise made is a promise kept - and Ric Flair, it is in your best interest this evening - to kiss Dusty Rhodes' ass. ''[Flair is flustered]'' That being said, I'll see you all in Panama City next Monday night, The Night of Champions, thank you.

===March 26===
:''[After the WCW opening logo, Vince McMahon appears]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': Imagine that. Me, Vince McMahon. Imagine that, here I am, on WCW television. How can that happen? Well, there's only one way. You see that it was just a matter of time before I, Vince McMahon, bought my competition. That's right, I own WCW, so therefore in its final broadcast tonight on TNT, I have the opportunity to address ''[hands gesturing to camera]'' you the WCW fans. I have an opportunity to address, you the WCW superstars. What is the fate of WCW? Well tonight, in this special simulcast, you will all find out, because the fate - ''[cups hands]'' the very fate of WCW is in ''my hands''.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Ric Flair comes down to the ring]''
:'''Ric Flair''': Did I - Did I - WOOOOO! Did I happen to hear Vince McMahon say he was goin' to hold WCW in the palms of his hands? Is that what he said? Does that mean that YOU are gonna hold Jack Brisco, Dory Funk, Harley Race, the Road Warriors, Sting, Luger, the Steiners, Bagwell, Ric Flair, Steamboat, does that mean you're gonna hold us all in the palm of your hands? To coin a phrase, I don't think so! You know, at twelve o'clock today, someone very special to me said, &quot;Do not go onto that show tonight knowin' it's the last time that you'll ever be on TNT or TBS&quot; - knowing it's the last time, she said to me, &quot;Don't go out there and cry - don't go out there and say you're sorry&quot; because I'm not - I've been fourteen times the World Champion - in my eyes, one of the greatest, you got it! The greatest wrestling organization in the world - WCW!

:We... I'm talkin' about the Stings, the Lugers, the Steiners, the Road Warriors - I'm talkin' about my best friend, Arn Anderson and the Four Horsemen - we have been on a par, and we have been equal to any wrestling organization in the world - as a matter of fact, we have run neck and neck with you, Vince McMahon, for years - for YEARS - and just for trivia, Vince McMahon, do you know that in 1981, when you were trying to become an announcer, your dad was on the board of directors and voted for ME to be the world champion - WOOOO! How 'bout that? And ever since that day, I have been a limousine-ridin', jet-flyin', kiss-stealin', wheelin-dealin', son of a gun, that along with the whole WCW dammit all, have kissed the girls worldwide, and made 'em cry! 'Cause ya see, we were every bit the force, we were WCW - we lived, we breathed, we sweat, we paid the price to be the best - never been about the boys - it's always been WWF vs. the WCW in the office - the boys that have gone out there, night in and night out, doing everything they could to be the very best at what they chose to do in their life - those boys are here tonight - we are!

:We're not going anywhere, you can't hold us in your hands and predict our life! We're WCW! We've bled and we've sweat - when was the last time you wrestled for an hour, cut yourself five times, bled for 45 minutes... when were you there? You weren't! You weren't! You were never in the dressing room, on the road 40 days and 40 nights, bleedin', sweatin', goin' to the next town, you weren't there, you can't hold people's lives in your hands. We're the greatest wrestling company of all time - I wanna say it again - you can't control us or our future, and in closing, let me say this - in all my years in this sport, my greatest opponent with this company has been Sting - so tonight, if we're going out, if we're going out on a high note, Stinger, the Nature Boy wants you right here, because - that's right - that's right - ya hear it, Sting? Sting, my greatest opponent - Sting, it's your last chance - your last chance to be... ''[crowd chants Sting]'' Sting, Sting, Sting, Sting, Sting, Sting - Sting! To be - the man, you've gotta beat the man, and Sting... I'M. THE. MAN. WOOOOOO!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[In a prerecorded video, DDP reflects on his WCW journey]''
:'''Diamond Dallas Page''': In the words of the Grateful Dead, what a long strange trip it's been, but I gotta tell you, I've loved every second of it, wouldn't trade it for nothing. And tonight, on this historic eve, I thought I needed to thank all the wrestling fans from around the world, for letting a kid from the Jersey Shore, Page Joseph Falkenberg, become Diamond Dallas Page. The guy they said would never make it but did. And that proves only one thing, if you want it bad enough and you're willing to work for it, anything's possible. It's not the promoters who decide who's over, it's the fans, so not just to thanks the fans in general, I want to specially thank, the WCW wrestling fans and my wife, Kimberly, for believing in me, and helping me live my dream. Is that dream over? I don't think so, I think now it's time to take it to another level. ''[to camera]'' Thank you.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as the WCW Cruiserweight Tag Team Championship match begins, Tony Schiavone goes a bit off-script upon learning of William Regal talking to Vince McMahon over his purchase of WCW]''
:'''Tony Schiavone''': I don't want to sit here, and as a person who's been on Monday Nitro for many years, it hits you to hear anything that he once said... Mr McMahon, it's his money, he can do whatever he wants, I don't know what he's gonna do tonight, but let me say this: to sit here and listen to their Commissioner, rip WCW? 
:'''Scott Hudson''': Yes.
:'''Schiavone''': Come on. I mean, we've had to do some crazy things, Steve Regal, including putting your ass over on TV!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[calling the match between Sting and Ric Flair]''
:'''Tony Schiavone''': ''[sees Sting Superplex Flair]'' Yes, he got it down. What's Sting gonna do now? ''[Scorpion Deathlock]'' Scorpion Deathlock!! He's got it on!
:'''Scott Hudson''': Center of the ring!
:'''Schiavone''': ''[Flair quits]'' It's over! It's over!! It's Sting! Sting wins! Sting defeats Ric Flair here on the final telecast of ''WCW Monday Nitro'' on TNT. And look at that, my god that he's gonna help him up. And the embrace, it's what we're all about. 
:'''Hudson''': Sting knows that Ric Flair made him at that Clash of the Champions. That's ultimate respect.
:'''Schiavone''': It really is.
:'''Hudson''': For two men, I have to say, that have huge fans of, they may be continue to be fans of professional wrestling. Thank you Steve Borden, thank you Ric Flair, for everything you've meant to this sport.
:'''Schiavone''': It's an emotional rollercoaster for all of us fans. The uncertainty of our jobs, our future of what we love, what we breathe, and what we live. We don't just work for WCW, we lived WCW, and I know Flair is thinking that the fans would agree.

== External links==
{{Wikipedia}}

[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:TNT shows]]
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      <text bytes="70946" xml:space="preserve">[[w:WCW Monday Nitro|WCW Monday Nitro]] was a professional wrestling program that aired on TNT Monday nights from September 4th, 1995 to March 26 2001.

== 1995 ==
=== September 4 ===
:''[Recent ex-WWF talent Lex Luger shows up at the beginning of the Sting/Ric Flair matchup.]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''': ''[notices Lex]'' Oooh, what in the hell is he doing here?! Get the camera off of him!
:'''Steve &quot;Mongo&quot; McMichael''': What is this?
:'''Bobby &quot;The Brain&quot; Heenan''': Wait a minute. He's got a right to be here, this is a [[w:Mall of America|public mall]].
:'''Eric''': Get him out of here!
:'''Steve''': Somebody call the security guards!
:'''Eric''': ''[as the crowd starts chanting &quot;Luger! Luger!&quot;]'' What?! Get the security and get him out of here!
:'''Bobby''': What's he doing wrong? What is he doing wrong?
:'''Steve''': This is just unabashed arrogance.
:'''Eric''': We have a major problem here.
:'''Bobby''': We have a situation starting here. A big one.
:'''Eric''': I want to know what he's doing here.
:'''Bobby''': Well don't ask me! Get on the headsets to the truck, ask somebody.

=== December 18 ===
:''[Madusa makes her way to the announce booth at the start of the show.]''
:'''Madusa''': All right. Can it everyone! ''[to Mongo]'' You too bad dog! I am Madusa, always have been Madusa and always will be Madusa. This is the WWF Women's Championship belt.
:'''Eric''': Whoa... Whoa! Wait a minute. ''[sees Madusa pick up a trash can and dump the belt in it]'' What? Look...that indeed it is!
:'''Steve''': ''[as Madusa does the act]'' Not in the trash can!
:'''Madusa''': And that's what I think of the WWF Women's Championship belt. This is the WCW, I am now in the WCW and they used to call me Alundra Blayze. But not anymore because this is where the big boys play and now this is where the big girls play! ''[dumps mic in the trash can as well]''
:'''Eric''': Holy smokes! Madusa, the WWF Women's Championship and the belt right here on Nitro. The belt in the trash can and I tell you what, I'm in shock! Wow!
:'''Steve''': Oh she got covered, she just got sucked up on that one in Connecticut, didn't she?
:'''Eric''': I'll tell you what...
:'''Bobby''': What a doll.

== 1996 ==
=== May 27 ===
:'''Tony Schiavone''': Welcome back live to the first hour of this edition of ''WCW Monday Nitro'' on TNT! Tony Schiavone and Larry Zbyszko. And we are taking a look at the Mauler completely maul his opponent Steve Doll.
:'''Larry Zbyszko''': Well you know, Steve Doll's trying to get an offensive going.
:'''Tony''': ''[notices the crowd suddenly standing up for a [[w:Scott Hall|large man]] who just came in through the audience]'' Wait a minute! What the hell is going on here?
:'''Larry''': But the Mauler, well he just got reversed right there. The Mauler runs him down.
:'''Tony''': That's not what I'm talking about.
:'''Larry''': What are you talking about?!
:''[The man, Scott Hall, leaps over the railing]''
:'''Tony''': Look here.
:'''Larry''': Well, what the hell?
:'''Scott Hall''': Get me a mic!
:'''Larry''': What's with this?
:'''Tony''': We need security out here. I have no idea, wait a minute! I can't believe what we're seeing.
:'''Hall''': ''[climbing into the ring]'' Hey, you people, you know who I am, but you don't know why I'm here. Where is Billionaire Ted? Where is the Nacho Man? That punk can't even get in the building. Me, I go wherever I want, whenever I want. And where, oh where is Scheme Gene? 'Cause I've got a scoop for you. When that Ken-doll lookalike, when that weatherman wannabe comes out here later tonight, I got a challenge for him, for Billionaire Ted, for the Nacho Man and for anybody else in uh...WCW, huh-huh-huh. Hey, you want to go to war? You want a war? You're gonna get one! ''[leaves]''
:'''Tony''': Fans, what about the match? I don't know what to say. Randy Anderson's coming-- Randy. Randy, what's going on here? What about the match, Randy? What's going on? The match. Fans, we've gotta go to a break.
:'''Larry''': The match left!
:'''Tony''': I have no idea what to say. Stay with us. Geez.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Scott Hall''': Hey, lookie here.
:'''Eric Bischoff''': You wanted to say some-
:'''Hall''': ''[as Eric talks]'' Ken doll, you got such a big mouth and we, we are sick of it.
:'''Eric''': What do you mean? Who's we?
:'''Hall''': You know who. This is where the &quot;big boys play&quot;? What a joke! I tell you what, you go tell Billionaire Ted, you tell him, &quot;Get three of his very very best.&quot; Maybe the Nacho Man! &quot;Oooooooh....No.&quot; Hey, maybe he can get the Stinger! Ooooh, I'm so scared. You go get anybody you want because we...
:'''Eric''': Who do you mean &quot;We&quot;?
:'''Hall''': We are taking over. You wanna go to war? You wanna war? You got one. Only, only let's do it right. In the ring where it matters. Not in no microphones. Not in no newspapers or dirtsheets. Let's do it in the ring where it matters. If uh, if Billionaire Ted and his big boys, if they got any, uh guts...
:'''Eric''': You're stepping over the line.
:'''Hall''': Because we are coming down here and like it or not, 
:'''Eric''': Not.
:'''Hall''': We are taking over. ''[throws his toothpick at Eric.]''
:'''Eric''': ''[calmly]'' You're outta here.
:'''Hall''': If you say so!
:'''Eric''': You're outta here. ''[visibly shaken, looks at Heenan, then recomposes]'' I don't know what to say. We'll see you next week.

===June 3===
:''[Scott Hall appears again at the announce booth]''
:'''Scott Hall''': Just relax ''chico''. Yo, Ken Doll, I had such a good time last week that I came back for more.
:'''Eric''': Look there's no reason...
:'''Scott Hall''': Look, look, look, relax man, relax. You started it. You want to go to war? You got a war. You started it, we gonna finish it.
:'''Eric''': What do you mean &quot;We&quot;? You come up with this We stuff.
:'''Scott Hall''': You know who man. You know who. Did Daddy Warbucks? Did he get his money yet?
:'''Eric''': ''[sees [[w:Steve Borden|Sting]] come out]'' Wait a minute, Stinger. Not here, not now. Don't even dignify it man.
:'''Sting''': You came out here last week and said some real horrible things about WCW. Some real horrible things about the Hulkster, about the Macho Man, about the Stinger. Somewhere along the way, you got lost because do you have any idea where you are? You're in the jungle baby! This is WCW! That's right! Hold on! And every week you come out here and you say you want three of the best.
:'''Scott Hall''': That's right man, three of the best.
:'''Sting''': You want three of the best, I don't see two of you. All I see is you and me. So why don't we just do this one on one right here, right now!
:'''Scott Hall''': Yo, yo, you wanna fight man? You wanna fight? You got one. Only, no one tells me what to do and ''chico'', nobody tells me when to do it. ''[throws his toothpick at Sting. Sting responds by slapping Hall]'' Ok, ok tough guy. I got a little, no, I got big surprise for you next week.

=== June 10===
:''[Scott Hall shows up again]''
:'''Eric''': Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I don't want any trouble from you. I don't want any trouble with you here, now, but I don't have to point out. You came out here last week. Where is it, the big surprise? I mean I heard a lot of talk but where's the walk? ''[Hall points behind Eric]'' What? Where is he?
:''[Kevin Nash, formerly known as Diesel in the WWF, appears from behind and grabs the mike]''
:'''Kevin Nash''': You've been sitting out here for six months running your mouth. This is where the big boys play, huh? Look at the adjective, play [''sic'']. We ain't here to play! Now, he ''[referring to Hall]'' said last week that he was going to bring somebody out here. I'm here. You still don't have your three people and do you know why? Because nobody wants to face us. This show's about as interesting as [[w:Marge Schott|Marge Schott]] reading excerpts from ''[[Mein Kampf]]''.
:'''Eric''': No trouble tonight, man. Speak your piece and...
:'''Nash''': Yeah, no trouble cause you know, I'll kick your teeth down your throat. Where are these three guys? You know you couldn't get a paleontologist to get these fossils cleared? You ain't got enough guys off a dialysis machine to get a team? Yeah, where's [[w:Hulk Hogan|Hogan]]? Where's Hogan? Out doing another episode of ''[[w:Thunder in Paradise|Blunder in Paradise]]''? Where's the Macho Man huh? Doing some Slim Jim commercial? Hey, we're here! You wanna say something?
:'''Eric''': Look, I don't have the authority right here right now. You want a fight? Fight isn't within me. You want to face three guys? Tomorrow morning at 9:00, I'm going to be in Atlanta. I'll be in the offices of WCW. I'll try and get you your fight and do you know what? Live this Sunday in Baltimore, Great American Bash, you guys want to show up? You want a fight? You show up and I'll see if I can get you your fight.
:'''Nash''': I don't know about you but they love us in Baltimore.
:'''Scott Hall''': Hey big man, I say me and you, we be at the Bash. Maybe these punks want a fight.
:'''Nash''': Yeah, bring what you got! The measuring stick just changed around here buddy. You're looking at it. ''[Tosses Bischoff around before he and Hall leave]''

===July 8===
:'''Mean Gene Okerlund''': Sting, a very somber mood tonight. I can't believe it. I can feel it, you can feel it. These people continue to make our lives very very tenuous. They did it again tonight right in the middle of your match with Arn Anderson. But lets go back to last night. What's your sense of what's happened at the ''Bash at the Beach''?
:'''Sting''': I am not at all surprised. What happened last night, I'm not surprised about coming from the two outsiders. But I will say I'm very very surprised at you Hulk Hogan. But I should've known. I should've known that when you were traveling to every town in that big fat limo. I should've known because you didn't want to travel with the Macho Man, the Total Package and the Stinger. Uhn-uhn, you were too busy making big movies and coming in for a little cameo appearance! You were too busy walking on the dark side! I should've known when you referred to the Macho Man, the Total Package and me as &quot;three little dogs&quot; waiting for a chance to wrestle the great Hulk Hogan. I should've known when I looked into your eyes. Do you know something, I made a mistake. But you made a bigger mistake because last night, you wiped out and trashed every single little kid, every single person that was a part of your life, that patterned their life after you! You told them to believe in the man upstairs! You told them to say their prayers and to take their vitamins! You told them to believe in themselves and you know something? It's a good thing you told them to believe in themselves because they sure as heck can't believe in you!
:'''Mean Gene''': By the way--
:'''Sting''': ''[grabs mike]'' And last but not least, to put the cherry on the top, all those little kids, you told them to stick it! No, you stick it Hulk! YOU STICK IT!
:'''Mean Gene''': That is very strong. By the way, as fate would have it, these two men and their partner last night. Lex Luger got knocked out early by the action so the two of you had to go at it against the Outsiders. But Macho Man Randy Savage, you were very close with Hulk Hogan as I was. You were part of the Mega Powers. And if anybody got it stuck up, stuck up, well, stuck to him, you really got it stuck to you.
:'''Randy Savage''': I got a message for Hollywood Hogan. What I want to tell you and what I want to do to you, I can't say here on television especially at Disney. But you take the worst thing you can think about and you multiply it by the number nine million and then you multiply it by infinity and beyond, it would be just like one grain of sand in the Sahara desert brother. Because, it's really really scary. What I'm thinking and going to do to you, yeah!

=== July 15 ===
:'''[[w:Gene Okerlund|Mean Gene]]''': Hulk Hogan, Outsiders, you have led us down the primrose path!
:'''Hulk Hogan''': Well you know something Gene-o, I wish I would've done this two years ago brother because the New World Order is taking over professional wrestling. Hulk Hogan is bigger than the sport of professional wrestling. And with the Outsiders, the new blood, the foundation of the New World Order, we shall rule the wrestling world Mean Gene!
:'''Mean Gene''': [[What about the children]]? You know about the thousands and thousands of telephone calls that came into WCW. Every man, woman and child on the face of the earth is totally disgusted with you Hulk Hogan, including myself!
:'''Hulk Hogan''': We all know about the training, the prayers and the vitamins brother and like I said, these people out here, after I led their children down the right path had the gall to boo Hulk Hogan one more time. You fans can stick it brother!
:'''Mean Gene''': Wait a minute, I think Sting and Eric Bischoff brought it up earlier on. I think Sting said it best earlier on when he retorted &quot;Hulk Hogan, ''you'' can stick it!&quot;
:'''Hulk Hogan''': Well you know something brother, as far as people like Sting go, ten years ago when I shook his hand in Venice Beach, he was a skinny little bodybuilder. And when he laid his eyes on Hulk Hogan, he was shaking in his boots. I heard all the crying from the so called Macho Man. For three years, he blamed his divorce, the fact that he couldn't rise to the occasion on Hulk Hogan brother. And over and over and over and over again this past week, I've heard WCW blame Hulk Hogan for their problems. The only problem is I'm the greatest wrestler in the world, I made professional wrestling, I will always be bigger than wrestling and with these two friends of mine, the New World Order shall rule the wrestling world!
:'''Eric''': This conceited jerk!
:'''Mean Gene''': You call these guys friends? You know about this man's background and this man's background, this nWo, Where is it going to go? Who's going to be a part of it? I think that's the question we're all asking ourselves and I'm going to ask you.
:'''Hulk Hogan''': Well these are the renegades brother! These are the men that when I open the door brother, they had the guts enough to walk through it. These are the guys that are going to set the trend for the nineties. They will lead Hulk Hogan and professional wrestling to its destiny. But these guys are just the foundation. The thing that everybody, the people out there don't realize is as I build my empire, will there be more outsiders that I bring in? Or will it be people that are so close to Ted Turner, maybe Eric Bischoff's friends. Who knows man? Maybe the guys that are in the locker room right now. There's always been a double loyalty man. In this business, they've been loyal to the promoters who have paid their bills and they've also been loyal to Hulk Hogan. Because they know where Hulk Hogan goes, that's where professional wrestling goes.
:'''Mean Gene''': You have to vent all of this on these people, the peers of this business. How about the kids that have looked up to you for years and years and now it comes down to this? And this is a pretty good example of the way your life is going to go Hulk Hogan.
:'''Hulk Hogan''': Well you know dude, I laid it out straight for all those kids, brother. They didn't want to follow the path, so I'm done with them! But as far as I'm concerned, I'm not going to mess with that skinny little Macho Man or that crybaby Sting. I'm going right to the top of the ladder, brother! And at ''Hog Wild'', brother, on August the 10th, if the [[w:Paul Wight|Giant]] has got guts enough, I'm going to dismantle the whole Ted Turner organization in one night. We're going to take the WCW belt, make it the New World Order belt and we shall reign supreme from that day forward. And as far as I'm concerned brother, if Ted Turner has any boys in the back that have any guts at all, come on out right now! We'll beat up the whole WCW right now, and what are they gonna do?!!

=== September 16===
:''[Sting comes down to the ring with a microphone]''
:'''Sting''': ''[with his back turned to the main camera]'' I want a chance to explain something that happened last Monday night on ''Nitro''. Last Monday night, I was on an airplane flying from L.A. to Atlanta. When I got to Atlanta, I tuned in the TV to ''Nitro'' and I thought I was watching a rerun. It was a very convincing film. Often imitated but never duplicated though and what else did I see? I saw people, I saw wrestlers, I saw commentators and I saw best friends, doubt the Stinger. That's right, doubt the Stinger. So, I heard Lex Luger say &quot;I know where Sting lives, I know where he works out, I'm gonna go get him!&quot; So I said to myself, &quot;I'll just go into [[seclusion]]. I'll wait and see what happens on ''Saturday Night''.&quot; And I tuned in ''Saturday Night'' and what did I see? I saw more of the same, more doubt. Which brings me to ''Fall Brawl''. I knew I had to get to ''Fall Brawl'' to get face to face with the Total Package to let him know that it wasn't me and what I got out of that was, &quot;No, Sting. I DON'T BELEIVE YOU STING!&quot; Well, all I've got to say is, I have been mediator, I have been babysitter, I've given him the benefit of the doubt about a thousand times in the last twelve months! I have carried the WCW banner and I have given my blood, my sweat and my tears for WCW! So for all of those fans out there and all of those wrestlers and people who've never doubted the Stinger, I'll stand by you if you stand by me. But, for all of the people, all of the commentators, all of the wrestlers and all of the best friends who did doubt me, you can stick it! From now on, I consider myself a free agent. But that doesn't mean you won't see the Stinger. From time to time, I'm going to pop in when you least expect it. 

=== November 18===
:''[The show opens with the Outsiders in the ring with chairs having laid out the Nasty Boys and High Voltage. They go down to ringside where Tony and Larry are standing.]''
:'''Larry''': Not again. Not again with this!
:'''Tony''': What's the problem here?
:'''Kevin Nash''': Does this work? Nice to see you dressed up this week, Larry! ''[to Tony]'' Hey, I don't see you laughing today huh?
:'''Scott Hall''': Funny guy, huh?
:'''Nash''': I was so funny last week right? Funny like a clown right? Were you laughing at me? I ain't so funny tonight am I? You see, we can put this on any time we want. I can be funny, I can be deadly and so can this man! Hey, let me ask you a question.
:'''Hall''': You got the bad neck, right?
:'''Nash''': You got the bad neck, right? Do you want to pick up your kids, huh?
:'''Tony''': ''[to Larry who's not standing up for Tony]'' Do you want to step in here?
:'''Larry''': Hey, you're the one that laughed at them. They let me know what I think.
:'''Nash''': You talk about a triangle match, right? There's two of the combatants laid out right now.
:'''Hall''': You know, what I want to know is I've been hearing my whole career how scary the Faces of Fear are. They say, everybody says that Meng and the Barbarian are the two toughest guys in the business. Well you tell those two islanders, come on out here and we'll slap that coconut breath out of you. Tell them to come on down. You can't have a Pay Per View in WCW without inviting the nWo.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Larry''': You can't be upset by what happened. These guys are thugs, they're paid by Dibiase and you're okay. So relax about it, don't be all upset.
:'''Tony''': Yeah well, I don't need to be pushed around. I'm not a wrestler. You're a wrestler. So why didn't you step in front for me? How long have we been friends?
:'''Larry''': You're okay and I'm not Clint Eastwood.
:'''Tony''': Well I can only say this and I'm going to apologize to everybody because I've never done this before at all. But I don't need to be pushed around. I've got five children. I've got a wife. I've got a great job. I'll tell you what, big mouth! Why don't you go ahead? Why don't you go ahead and step in front of me? Why don't you handle the broadcast? Why don't you try play-by-play?
:'''Larry''': Don't get upset!
:'''Tony''': I don't need guys who are seven feet tall coming out here! ''[takes off his headset and walks away]''
:'''Larry''': I don't need guys seven feet tall either coming out here!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Eric Bischoff is dismissing Roddy Piper's claim that he leads the NWO, which suddenly comes out and restrains Piper. Hulk Hogan embraces Bischoff, who later shakes Ted DiBiase]''
:'''Hulk Hogan''': Now that everybody realizes who everybody's working for... I mean, my God, this guy right here is the foundation of the WCW. Now he works for the NWO! 

== 1997 ==
===February 10===
:''[Randy Anderson appears with his family to appeal to Eric Bischoff about hiring him back after the events of Souled Out]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''': Kids come on up here. It's all right Randy. It's all right, kids, could you do me a favor. Would you please tell your daddy... that he's ''still fired? [NWO laughs]'' Would you do that for me?
:'''Montana Anderson''': Please, Mr Bischoff!
:'''Bischoff''': Montana please, tell your daddy he's fired, get on with his life.
:'''Kevin Nash''': ''[mocks]'' Do it for little Tiny Tim!
:'''Syxx''': God bless us everyone!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Tony Schiavone and Larry Zbyszko review the Piper/Hogan match footage at Starrcade 1996 that Eric Bischoff confiscated and was somehow played, but when the tape suddenly stops as if it was taken off playback, just as Randy Anderson was about to count off Hogan as submitting to Piper...]''
:'''Tony Schiavone''': What's going on here?
:'''Zbyszko''': Well that wasn't nothing...
:'''Schiavone''': We did not get this - ''[talks to production crew on the headset]'' what happened? Can anybody tell me what happened? The tape stopped? The tape broke?
:'''Zbyszko''': Well what happened was -
:'''Schiavone''': Someone's getting the tape in the production truck.
:'''Zbyszko''': Who's in the truck?
:'''Schiavone''': We're trying to find out fans, I apologize. I'm just talking to Craig Leathers, Keith Mitchell, in our video production truck. Someone apparently went and you hear the tape queueing up. You saw right there, I mean the hand was going up and it was gonna be the end of Hollywood Hulk Hogan with the sleeper. We all witnessed what happened, Eric Bischoff went into the video truck and grabbed the tape.
:'''Zbyszko''': Well, anyway, the world saw what happened, we knew about it, now the missing footage had been recovered and what happened-
:''[Eric Bischoff confronts the announcers with the tape]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''': Don't you ever, don't you EVER, EVER, pull a stunt like that again. You or anybody else in this organization ''[puts down mic and starts tearing out the tape]'' ever, ever again. ''[leaves]'' 
:'''Schiavone''': We'll take a break.
:'''Zbyszko''': He could beat up a tape, that's impressive!

===February 17===
:''[Eric Bischoff is fuming mad at Jimmy Jett passing Randy Anderson brass knuckles during his match with Nick Patrick]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''': What do you think you're doing?!? You knocked him out! What is this? What is that? You know better than that! You know better than that! You used to be a referee!
:'''Jimmy Jett''': Hey he won the match-
:'''Bischoff''': You used to be a referee!! You are nothing! ''[to Anderson]'' And YOU. I saw it! Let me, let me tell you what you won. Now, you just won a permanent vacation and you are fired! Fired! Spell it, F-I-R-E-D! Leave the building now! Now! You're fired! 
:'''Jett''': It's not fair
:'''Bischoff''': It's not fair! Take those with you!

===September 1===  
:''[the NWO comes out spoofing the Four Horsemen, with Kevin Nash as Arn Anderson]''
:'''Kevin Nash''': I take care of Horsemen business. Before I go any further: Let me all of the Horsemen out here know one thing: Guys, the beer is on ice. You know something, it's pretty ironic that on Labour Day WCW would decide to honor me cause anybody who followed my career knows one thing: You were always wondering when I was gonna go into labour.

:You know I sat back that day and I watched that highlight tape of my career and I said to myself: You know: I'm a guy of average size, average speed, average quickness, average looks, average intelligence, average carpentry skills - but you know what? I parlayed that into a wrestling career that I might say so myself was quite excellent. But you know something? Four months ago, I had a neck injury. Subsequently I lost the feeling in my hand, my left hand. The significance of that: That's the hand I open beer with. But you know something? I willed myself back from that injury. I got to the gym - I didn't do anything there, I walked around - but I got to the gym. And you know what? I started a comeback.

:But about a week ago, I went to the neighborhood bar, I bellied up against the bar like only I can and a fat broad - that's right, a fat broad - came up and smacked me in the back. That sent a chill down me... same fat broads that've been following the Horsemen for 20 years. But as I looked at that longneck laying on that cheap industrial grey carpentry, I said to myself: How ironic. That wasn't so much that I was out three dollars and 75 cents, what it was to me was sand tickin' down through the hourglass - and everybody knows, so are the days of our lives. ''[Syxx imitates Ric Flair crying]'' You know one thing you can say, when Arn Anderson was comin' to town - beside the fact that I left a lot of unpaid bar tabs - was Arn Anderson was comin' to town. And you knew if I was on the card, how I was gonna give you 100 per cent - no matter how drunk, how hung over I was. I was gonna give you all ahead. And back in those days before the nWo, you eight people that bought those tickets, got one heck of a show. But you know what? As I come out here tonight, I ask you people: Don't remember how I used to be. Remember me how I look right now. ''[to Konnan as Steve McMichael]'' Good, Mongo!

:''[to Buff Bagwell as Curt Hennig]'' So Curt, that puts me and you and I got a challenge for you. Wait a second, I don't wanna fight you, cause I ain't want one for twenty years. What I got for you is a challenge, because as much as I wanna be a Horseman, I know if I come out here right now, I'd not only put him in danger, I would put my best friends in danger and I can't do that. So what I'm doing tonight is I got a challenge you and I ain't got much to offer you, cause the beer is already spoken for. But what I do got is I got a spot. A spot with the Four Horsemen. Not just a spot, not a liver spot, not a 'Spot' like your dog Spot. No, not just any spot – but myyyyy spot. So I need to know right now: Do you accept it? My spot - not their spot, liver spot, not dog Spot, not anybody's spot, MY spot to become a Four Horsemen. Not my spot, anybody's spot, dog Spot, liver spot, MY spot.

===September 15===
:''[The show opens with footage of Ric Flair after being stitched up in a hospital as a result of last night's Fall Brawl when Curt Hennig slammed the cage door in his head'']
:'''Tony Schiavone''': ''[very shaken up]'' Fans, uh... ''Nitro'', as you can see, is on the air. Before I go into this card, I need to say something that I've really never said before. You know, 13 years ago, I got into this business because of Ric Flair. I was a minor league baseball announcer in this same city. He went to bat for me for the promoters and I became a wrestling announcer and when I look back on what has happened to me, I credit Ric Flair. And you have seen Ric Flair and what hap.......I can't do this show. I'm sorry. ''[takes off his headset and leaves]''

===September 22===
:'''Mean Gene Okerlund''': That's very impressive, a gentleman the stature of Hugh Morrus, and you absolutely got in there and manhandled him tonight. ''[Bill Goldberg just walks away]'' Sir, I've got to get a little bit more than that. Gentleman's just walking away from me.
:'''Larry Zbyszko''': Is he a mute?
:'''Mean Gene''': I can't believe that. Tony, I haven't seen anything like that. Very impressive. But who is this guy Goldberg?

===November 10===
:''[The NWO appears in the ring with Canadian flags and having brought back Kevin Nash...]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''': ...And now the announcement I know I have been waiting to make, 'cause I have been working on this for a long time, the newest addition of the NWO, and Bret Hart, because you were such a... ''[punches the air] knockout'' kind of a guy! ''[everybody laughs, knowing its a reference to Bret punching Vince McMahon after the Montreal Screwjob]''
:'''Hulk Hogan''': He passed the initiation!
:'''Bischoff''': We have a special, special ''[pulls out paper from his jacket]'' gift for you. Liz, can you come around here? ''[passes out paper to NWO members]'' All right let's do it. On three, one, two - this is for you, Bret - three ''[the NWO sings O Canada]''

===November 17===
:'''Rick Rude''': Oh what a difference a day makes. Twenty-four little hours. You know and we all have our 15 minutes of fame and I'd like to take a couple of my 15 minutes to talk about the rights and the wrongs in the world of professional wrestling. What's wrong in the world of professional wrestling is Shawn Michaels claiming to be World Champion when he never beat Bret Hart. What's wrong with the world of professional wrestling is for Vince McMahon to instruct the [[w:Montreal Screwjob|referee to ring the bell]] in order to rob Bret Hart of his title. But on the other hand, what's right in the world of professional wrestling is for Bret Hart to abandon the Titanic and swim to the refuge of the nWo. What's right with the world of professional wrestling is nWo's course to destruct WCW. What's right with the world of professional wrestling is for the nWo to beat the living shhhh out of the man called Sting. Now the only thing wrong with that entire situation is that I didn't have the chance to participate. Sting second verse is gonna be same as the first. A little bit rowdier and a whole lot worse, because this time Sting I will partake.

===December 22===
:''[Hulk is in the middle of another promo when a WCW event staffer delivers him a silver gift box]''
:'''Hulk Hogan''': The NWO is just too sweet. Oh, oh my God! ''[sees Bret Hart arrive in a limousine with women and a male waiter accompanying him]'' You're right. It's only one guy. The newest member of the NWO, Bret Hitman Hart. I knew it had to be him, boss. Thank you Bret. ''[opens box and suddenly pulls up a fake severed head of himself; screams in horror]'' Oh my God! ''[points to Bret thinking he delivered the head]''
:'''Mike Tenay''': Looks like a message has been delivered to Hollywood Hulk Hogan and the NWO, Mr Rude.
:'''Rick Rude''': What is this?
:'''Bobby Heenan''': What is going on now? 
:'''Rude''': Is Bret Hart trying to say he wants a piece of the NWO? 
:'''Tenay''': ''[sees spotlight focused on Sting]'' Look at that, it's Sting! He's arrived on the scene.
:'''Heenan''': He's on top of the NWO sign, at the top of the building here in Macon.
:'''Rude''': ''[as Sting ziplines to the ring]'' Take him out Hollywood, take him out! 
:'''Tenay''': ''[Hogan scampers out of the ring]'' Sting is on his way to the ring. We'll see you Sunday at Starrcade!

== 1998 ==
===May 11===
:''[Eric Bischoff shoots on DX's recent assaults]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''': As I look through the crowd tonight, I wonder what you must be thinking and I wonder what Vince McMahon is thinking. You know because for the last couple of weeks he's been sending his little wannabes around demanding to talk to ''moi''. The only problem with that is, he only sends them where he knows I'm not going to be. That's okay because I've got a little solution. Sean Waltman, you want an apology from me? You actually show up at our offices on a Monday afternoon when I think even you Sean are smart enough to figure out I probably wouldn't be there. As far as the apology goes - bite me! I apologize to no one.

:But I've got a better idea because, Sean, I know you're just a little puppet and you do what Vince McMahon tells you to do, so Vince McMahon, this is for you. I'm coming to your backyard this Sunday. That's right, in Worcester, Massachussetts we've got a little PPV thing going on and I've got a hell of an idea. You want me? I'm gonna be in your back yard. Consider this an open invitation, Vince McMahon. You show up at Slamboree, it will be me and you McMahon, in the ring. How about it, Vinnie? But I want to warn you people right now, if you think Vince McMahon has got the guts to show up, don't buy this PPV because I guarantee you he is not man enough to step into this ring with me. But I'll be there Vinnie Mac, I'll be waiting for you. And I'm going to knock you out. See you there.

===July 6===
:''[The NWO meet somebody who's just arrived and Hogan earlier hinted as somebody Goldberg must defeat first to face him in the main event - Scott Hall]''
:'''Hulk Hogan''': ''[as they walk to the arena]'' You're toast.
:'''Scott Hall''': Can't have a party without me, baby.
:'''Hogan''': That's right brother.
:'''Eric Bischoff''': ''[to Hall]'' God, we missed you!
:'''Hall''': I gotta heat things up.
:'''Bischoff''': Oh and you know how!
:'''Hall''': I gotta heat things up.
:'''Hogan''': I like it.
:'''Curt Hennig''': How you feeling?
:'''Hall''': Too sweet.
:'''Hogan''': Got the party goods, we got the goods for the party, let's go!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Tony Schiavone''': The fans stand, showing their signs, and we are walking with Goldberg, and security from Goldberg's own locker room area following with him all the way to the ring, as you look live back in the locker room area. Surrounding Goldberg, some of Atlanta's finest, Doug Dillinger as well with WCW security, and here they come.
:'''Bobby &quot;The Brain&quot; Heenan''': What's going through his mind right now? I've never been in that situation, going for a world championship, let alone with that list of victories this man has, in his backyard, hometown in front of everybody he played for, played with. What an evening, what drama right now.
:'''Tony''': Long walk for Goldberg, but it's been a long wait since he arrived in the Georgia Dome earlier in the day. So what's another long walk for Goldberg? They're almost down here now.
:''[Goldberg now walks alone]''
:'''Bobby''': Well, Hogan may be taking a long walk too. A ''real'' long walk back to the dressing room empty-handed.
:'''Tony''': But could the unblemished mark, the incredible series of wins by Goldberg come to a crashing end here tonight?
:'''Bobby''': And you know, Tony, if Hogan is to defeat this man, you know what the nWo's gonna be like then with Hogan and Eric Bischoff in charge.
:'''Tony''': ''[as Goldberg reaches the entrance]'' And there he is.
:'''Mike Tenay''': And here comes the eruption.
:'''Bobby''': Bigger than before.
:'''Tony''': This is his moment.
:''[Goldberg stands on the ramp as the pyrotechnics envelope him for twenty seconds. When they subside, he walks to the ring surrounded by the security from before]''
:'''Bobby''': It's a long way down.
:'''Tony''': There you look at Goldberg, and think about what Goldberg represents. A virtual unknown in this sport who walked into WCW, and he represents every wrestler who wanted just to walk in here and become the World Champ. That's what he represents as he makes his way to the ring.
:'''Bobby''': He looks ready! Do it for me! Do it for the fans! Get rid of Hogan! And what's Hogan's mentality gonna be at ''Bash at the Beach'' if he's not heavyweight champion of the world along with Rodman?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': Look at Goldberg! He's ready!
:'''Tony''': He's poised... ''[Goldberg spears Hulk Hogan]'' Hogan goes down!
:'''Bobby''': Okay, there's part one! Now finish him off! Finish him off!
:'''Tony''': ''[Goldberg signals for the Jackhammer]'' He's calling for it!
:'''Bobby''': This is it! This is it! ''[Goldberg sets Hogan up for the Jackhammer]'' Your career's on the line here! Do it! Do it! This place'll erupt when he picks him up.
:'''Tony''': ''[Goldberg lifts Hogan in a suplex]'' He's got him up! ''[...and slams Hogan to the mat]'' Oh Hell Yeah!
:'''Tony and Bobby''': ''[counting with the referee]'' One...
:'''Tony''': ''[continues]'' ...two...THREE!!!
:'''Bobby''': OH, THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! We got a new heavyweight champion of the world! The first undefeated man in the history of this sport to ever win the World Championship, and have a record of 107, 108...who cares?! There's zero on the other side! We've got a new champion! Listen to this! ''[pauses to acknowledge the cheering crowd and &quot;Goldberg&quot; chants]'' Wow.
:'''Mike''': Thirty-one-year-old Bill Goldberg, less than ten months in the sport, is on top of the wrestling world.
:'''Tony''': ''[off a shirt]'' &quot;Who's next?&quot;
:'''Bobby''': Who cares?
:'''Tony''': &quot;Who cares&quot; is right. The hero has come through, lades and gentlemen, you have witnessed professional wrestling history on many levels. A man who is undeniably the toughest we have seen in decades, a man who undeniably will lead pro wrestling into the next millennium, stands in the Georgia Dome in front of more than 39,000 fans.
:'''Bobby''': Tony, there's a new sheriff in town.
:'''Tony''': When we go to ''Bash at the Beach'', Goldberg will be the world champ. Its only six days away.
:'''Bobby''': We still got ''Thunder'', Wednesday.
:'''Tony''': With the new world champion. Well, there's nothing more that this announce crew can add to what you've been a witness here tonight. It's been a night for the ages, it's been a night that we will never forget because on Monday, July 6th, 1998, Goldberg captured the gold. Goldberg, went to 108 and 0, and in less than one year, Goldberg, the phenomenon that is Bill Goldberg, at age 31, is the heavyweight champion of the world, and they're not going anywhere...
:'''Bobby''': No.
:'''Tony''': They're still standing, chanting his name, paying homage to their hero. 
:'''Mike''': Let the celebration begin!
:'''Tony''': For Iron Mike Tenay and Bobby &quot;The Brain&quot; Heenan...
:'''Bobby''': Thank you!!
:'''Tony''': ...and Larry Zsbysko, and Mean Gene, and everybody in pro wrestling... Goodnight, America!!
:'''Mike''': Goldberg's the champ! Let's go!

===August 17===
:''[Hollywood Hogan is in the middle of a promo calling out DDP for &quot;somebody from his past.&quot; Jim Hellwig, aka Warrior comes in and enters the ring]''
:'''Warrior''': Talk to me, Warriors!!! ''[at top rope]'' Feel the real power, Hogan!!
:'''Hollywood Hogan''': ''[shaken by his appearance]'' I thought you were dead!
:'''Warrior''': Who holds the absolute power now, Hollywood Hogan? Unleash that raising voice, Warriors! [Warrior Chants] Seems as if no formal introduction is gonna be necessary! Actually, it even seems as if there are those who anticipated my arrival! ''[disgusted at Hogan offering his NWO shirt as if inviting him to join]'' What is that smell? You might want to use it to clean up the mess you just made all over yourself! You need to open your eyes and ears, take control of the limited ability you have to understand the words I am about to say. For years, I have watched while this industry, with you as it's figurehead, has tried to create what is simply un-re-cre-at-able. I have heard, listened to all the innuendos and speculation that something ULTIMATE or WARRIOR may soon reappear. Welcome to the reappearance!&lt;/br&gt; Those things, Hogan, which are irreplaceable, whether they be people, places, or things, are never forgotten. You are witnessing that - RIGHT NOW! History tells us, Hogan... ''[“Hogan sucks”-Chants]'' Let's talk about something he doesn't know! History tells us, Hogan, that a man's legacy is build from the premise that within his life the moments lived, once lived, become a piece of his history. Somehow, you have conveniently, even eloquently, misplaced pieces of your history.&lt;/br&gt; In the [[WrestleMania#WrestleMania_VI_(1990)|one time, epochal battle between us]], Hogan, you were the quintessential influence of what was good, great, and heroic. But different than you may remember, and albeit you may have beaten myths, legends, giants, and other great men, you never - never - beat a warrior. AND, certainly, not THE ULTIMATE ONE! As a victor of that one-time battle, I defeated what was, until then, undefeatable. I conquered what was then unconquerable. I dominated what was, until then, indomitable. On that day, you were great. I was ULTIMATE!&lt;/br&gt; Let me introduce myself, to those two fools that stand behind you. Let's see, this - dude ''[points to the Disciple]'' - must be your barber. And ''[to Eric Bischoff]'' who are you, little man? Who are you?
:'''Eric Bischoff''': You know who I am. My name is Eric Bischoff, I run this company and who invited you?
:'''Warrior''': ''[laughs]'' Different than you want to make people believe, I never received an invitation, I showed up on my own accord, and let me tell you, Mr. Eric Bischoff, if you stick your nose in my business, you only, very quickly, prepare for your own demise. Furthermore, when I get done with my business here, I'm going to be sending you a bill. I suggest you pay it. I have waited patiently. The WARRIORS have waited all too patiently.&lt;/br&gt; Now - NOW - the virtue of justice unties my hands so that I can continue to fulfill a destiny set in motion upon that memorable day years ago - a destiny at the next level - a destiny beckoning the next Super Hero. There really is no sadder sight than when a grown man fears the challenges in his life so much that he rationalises adolescent behaviour to the point where he carries out heinous and self-indulgent actions - YOUR evilness, the evilness you embody and portray, is intolerable.&lt;/br&gt; I am the one that has the power to destroy you. It's source, Hogan, the truth, is inexhaustible. I come here, not to beat you up tonight, Hogan - beating you means nothing anymore. Everybody already has. No no no no no no no, that's too easy. Because you felt guilty for being who you were. Your mind became weak and Hulkamania became boring. I come here, Hogan, to tell you next week I intend to launch a revolution not even YOU can control. I ask you to find the courage - check it out - next week, same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel.&lt;/br&gt;

===September 14===

:'''Arn Anderson''': Can you smell it, JJ? Take a breath. Can you smell it? When 15,000 people blow the roof off a place, that's what a pop smells like. Take a bow. What you said to me is what all those people have been saying to me for a year and a half, and only a true friend would say that. They said &quot;Arn Anderson, stand up and be a man, like you've always been!&quot; And I couldn't hear those words, 'cause something was in the way and I'm gonna start at the beginning, because you have to start at the beginning because tonight IS a new beginning for the Four Horsemen.
:Now when I was a kid, like all kids, people asked you &quot;what do you wanna be when you grow up?&quot; There was no grey area for me, I always knew I wanted to be a wrestler. And when that finally happened for me, it was the proudest day of my life. And in 1986, I started coming to these towns, just like Greenville, South Carolina, as a Horseman. And my life changed forever, and the doors it opened for me, I had never dreamed of. And wrestling the greatest wrestlers in the world in a town like this and all across this country showed me who I was. And every day that I woke up since then I tried to uphold the standards that we, you and I and the rest of us set for ourselves.
:And about a year and a half ago, I laid down on an operating table and when I woke up, Arn Anderson the wrestler was dead, and I thought to myself how could I be a Horseman if I couldn't be a wrestler. Well, the fact is I couldn't in my mind...
:'''Crowd''': We Want Flair!
:'''Arn''': Trust me, everybody's gonna get what they want tonight, Bischoff. Eric Bischoff.
:So when I thought I could no longer be a Horsemen, Chris Benoit came to me first and he said &quot;this can all happen.&quot; And with that prelude, I would like to bring the other three Horsemen out right now. Steve &quot;Mongo&quot; McMichael, come on down. ''[Steve McMichael enters the ring, as do the other Horsemen when called]'' Chris Benoit, come on down. Dean Malenko, come on down.
:Now, before we go any further. Chris Benoit, you got this thing rolling, and I'm gonna go on record as saying, if there's a finer wrestler in all the land than you, I don't know who it is. Your intensity, the first time I saw you wrestle, made you something special. You are something special in my eyes, you knew what it meant to be a Horsemen. You will carry that tradition way past the year 2000.
:Mongo McMichael, you're hard-headed, lotta times you're hard to be around, but the fact is in my eyes, you're all man. You're certainly All-Pro, and when this is all said and done, if I've got anything to say about it, you will mean to this sport what you've meant to the sport of pro football.
:Now Dean Malenko. I've been out here ya/king for the last ten years about what it meant to be a Horseman: work ethic, respect for the business, respect for each other, respect for the people that came before us. And while I was yakking the last year, and the last couple of months, you were out there fighting the fights for the Horsemen. You exemplify what a Horseman has always meant: overachievement. Being the very best you could be, each and every day of your life, whether you were sick, or hurt, or whatever the case may be, and it makes me proud, now I'm gonna say one more time. I've said that you didn't get it; well, ''I'' didn't get it, because if there was ever a Horseman it makes me a little misty-eyed and real proud to call on this day the finest thing you can be in this sport of professional wrestling, that's a Horseman.
:Ladies and gentlemen, through the year 2000, we're gonna do exactly what all of you across this nation have asked: &quot;Arn Anderson, bring back the Horsemen!&quot; But I feel it fair to tell ya, I'm not gonna be responsible for what happens next. 'Cause we don't wear white hats, we're not nice guys, and I can tell you this: heads are gonna roll! So, I've said it: Be careful what you wish for, because now you have it!
:Ah, what a goof! What a goof! You know, I get accused of gettin' racked in the head a few times and having a little touch of Alzheimer's. My God! I almost forgot the fourth Horseman! Ric Flair, get on down here!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ric Flair''': Thank you, thank you very much. I'm almost embarrassed by the response, but when I see this, I know that the twenty - five years that I've spent trying to make you happy every night of your life was worth every damn minute of it. Now, somebody told me that the Horsemen were having a party tonight in Greenville! Could that be true that the most elite group that Eric Bischoff said was dead, is alive and well? Bischoff, this might be my only shot, and I gotta tell ya, I'm gonna make it my best. Is this what you call a great moment in TV? It's wrong, because this is REAL! This is not bought and paid for! It's a REAL - LIFE - SITUATION! Just like the night in Columbia, South Carolina, when you looked at me - tears in my eyes - and said 'God, that's good TV' - it was real! Arn Anderson passed the torch - it was real, dammit! You think Sting was crying in the dressing room like I was on TV if it wasn't real? This guy, my best friend, is one of the greatest performers who ever lived, and YOU - you squashed him, in one night. Then you get on the phone and tell me, &quot;Disband the Horsemen. They're dead. Disband the Four Horsemen.&quot; You know what? I looked at myself in the mirror the next day and I saw a pathetic figure that gave up and quit! And for that, I owe you, the wrestling fans, I owe these guys an apology. Because it won't happen again! ''[Bischoff appears at the entrance way]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''': You're history! This is my TV!!
:'''Flair''': Bischoff, whatever you think... You're an overbearing asshole! That's right! You're an obnoxious, you're an obnoxious, overbearing ass! Abuse of power! You! Abuse of power! Cut me off! Come on! It's called abuse of power! 
:'''Bischoff''': You'll never ever wrestle on my television again!
:'''Flair''': You suck! You... I hate your guts. I hate your guts. 
:'''Bischoff''': ''[as he walks away]'' This is my house! You're history!
:'''Flair''': You are a liar, you're a cheat, you're a scam, you are a no-good son of a bitch. 
:'''Bischoff''': You're history!
:'''Flair''': Fire me! I'm already fired! Fire me! I'm already fired!

===December 14===
:''[Ric Flair and the Four Horsemen just fought off the NWO, and he's still livid over Eric Bischoff kissing his wife the week before]''
:'''Ric Flair''': BISCHOFF!!! For 25 years, for whatever I have been, good and bad, I've been a man, you son of a bitch! And good or bad, I can walk in the door of my house and know that those kids, and that wife forgave me for everything I ever did wrong because they depended on me to live day in and day out! You, you start out, you come in here, you promise me the world and then you take my career, you try to shitcan that, that didn't work, because ''[to the fans]'' they, right here, 40,000 strong, wouldn't let you do it!
:'''Bobby Heenan''': It's the most intense I've ever seen him.
:'''Flair''': Then, you put your lawyers on me and you know what, you damn near broke me, but I would like to the wire, I fought you every step of the way. I gave in, I came back, not 'coz of you, but because my little boy, ten years old, walked up to me and said, &quot;Dad, why don't you just beat the hell out of Bischoff and get back in the world?&quot; He didn't understand politics, he didn't understand lawyers, but he understands that every day of his life, his dad said two things to him: Never quit. Promise me for as long as I am alive, you will never quit - and last Thursday night, you stepped over the line AND I ALMOST QUIT! I almost couldn't live it, you put your hands on my children, you kissed my wife, you no-good rotten bastard! What do you think my kids felt when they went to school, embarrassed? No. Shocked? No. You stepped over the line. You took something...
:''[Eric Bischoff appears at the entranceway]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''': ''[mock sadness]'' Oh, Ric, I feel so bad.. ''[sees Flair running up to him; to security]'' STOP HIM STOP HIM!!! ''[security restrains Flair]'' Come on, come on! Come and get me, come and get me be careful with him, he's got a bad heart! He's got a bad heart! ''[as the officers cuff him]'' Arrest him! Arrest him, so I can fire him!!

== 1999 ==
=== January 4===
:'''Tony Schiavone''': If you're even thinking about changing the channel to our competition, fans, do not. Because we understand that Mick Foley, who wrestled here one time as Cactus Jack, is going to win their World Title. ''[sarcastically]'' That's gonna put some butts in the seats.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Tony''': Fans, I want to reiterate something I talked about before the commercial break. If you're thinking about changing channels to our competition, we want to let you know that unlike us, they've got their show in the can, their show's been taped. Later tonight, Mick Foley, who once wrestled here as Cactus Jack, is gonna win their World Title. I mean, that's gonna be their World Champion. Ha ha!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Tony''': Fans, as you know, it's getting close to the 11:00 hour. We're gonna stay right here, we're gonna follow all the action as long as it takes, so stay with us. These are not taped matches. This is happening live, this is ''Nitro''. ''[Bell rings]'' The bell sounds, Billy Silverman making the call. No matter what happens, we're staying with you here tonight.
:'''Bobby &quot;The Brain&quot; Heenan''': Even if it goes on ''all'' night, we're gonna be here.
:'''Tony''': That's what we're all about.
:'''Bobby''': We're live!
:...
:'''Tony''': Listen to the fans! Look at Hogan's reaction!
:'''Bobby''': Over 40,000+! This is better than a playoff game!
:'''Tony''': Hell, this is what pro wrestling, what World Championship Wrestling is all about!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Tony''': ''[on Hogan]'' He's been in so many big matches.
:'''Bobby''': Boy, he has.
:''[Hogan fakes a punch, [[w:Fingerpoke of Doom|then lightly pokes Kevin Nash, who drops to the mat.]] Hogan covers him.]''
:'''Tony''': ''[as Silverman counts]'' What was that about? What's going on here? ''[Silverman counts to three. Hogan, Nash, Hall, and Scott Steiner celebrate in the ring]'' What just happened here?
:'''Bobby''': This stinks.
:'''Michael Buffer''': Ladies and gentlemen, the winner and new Heavyweight Champion of the world, from nWo Hollywood, Hulk Hogan!
:'''Eric Bischoff''': ''[having been silent all night]'' It is unbelievable! The new World Heavyweight Champion, Hollywood Hulk Hogan!

===October 11===

:'''Tony Schiavone''': Before we start with tonight's action, Brain, there's something we both, but particularly you, have to say about our longtime friend Gorilla Monsoon.
:'''Bobby &quot;The Brain&quot; Heenan''': Gorilla will be sadly missed. He was one big, tough man, he was a decent honest man, and we're all going to miss him very much. And you know the pearly gates in heaven?
:'''Tony''': Yeah.
:'''Bobby''': It's now gonna be called the Gorilla position. Goodbye, my friend.

==2000==
===February 7===
:''[Scott Steiner, his women, and the NWO are in the ring]''
:'''Scott Steiner''': Now last week, I was watching TV and I watched a 53-year-old man come down here who wears more loose skin than a Shar-Pei puppy come out here saying he's still &quot;The Man.&quot; I see Ric Flair No.2, the Nature Boy come out here, who's been the butt-end of all the jokes, 'cause he's supposed to be the limousine-riding, jet-flying son of a gun, but I'm saying one time, you shoulda take a cab, and used to that money to fix that scrooked yellow teeth! So I asked myself, &quot;if WCW was going to hire the Nature Boy No.2, why wouldn't they hire the Nature Boy, the ''original'' Nature Boy, Buddy Rogers?&quot; Now I know that Buddy Rogers is dead - God rest his soul - but Ric Flair, your career is dead! And I know as he lays six feet under, he's still styling and profiling, 'cause when you used your little brain and stole his name, there's one thing you couldn't steal, and that was his class. So when you walked down that aisle last week, I know I wasn't alone, 'cause the people at home, all they did was grab their remote, change the channel to WWF and watch Stone Cold, a person you and your old friends got fired from here 'cause you're a jealous, old bastard. So Ric Flair, remember this, in this wrestling business, there's never been a bigger ass-kissing, butt-sucking bastard in this business, but also in life, you're the biggest ass-kiss, back-stabbing, butt-sucking bastard and you belong where you're at, in WCW, because WCW sucks... and so do you! Me? I'm just gonna stand here in the NWO for life!

===April 10===
:''[Jeff Jarrett reveals Vince Russo as the Powers That Be]''
:'''Vince Russo''': You know, after giving six years of my life to the World Wrestling Federation I came to WCW with one thing in mind - and that was to beat Vince McMahon at his own game! And you know what? Within a matter of weeks, the new blood in WCW was not only getting back in the game, they were changing the game! And that's when the good ol' boy network kicked in - afraid of change, and more importantly afraid of their jobs - the political BS took place in the back to bring Vince Russo down. And you stayin' at home know who you are 'cause you're watching me now. And then one day I'm told that there's gonna be a change in direction - a change that I knew SUCKED! And you know what? I wasn't the only one who knew - Benoit knew - Guerrero knew - Saturn knew - Malenko knew - Douglas knew - and they left! They're gone! Scott Steiner - he knew it, and they suspended his ass! Well you know what? That's all over now. It's done. And Vince Russo is back in charge again. And I wanna turn around now and I wanna say something to everybody in this ring. It is OVER. The old boys management is over. The inflated egos in the back, afraid to lose their spot - it is over. It is the dawning of a new day - it is your opportunity - seize that opportunity!
:''[Eric Bischoff appears]''
:'''Eric Bischoff''': Are you done yet? Let me tell you something. This man - Vince Russo and I - have more in common than anybody knows. But the big thing is the fact that we were both screwed by the same... good ol' boys network. Vince is right - those days are over. But it's okay! I don't even mind. And you know why I don't mind? Because it's giving me a hell of an opportunity to think about all the great things I did in WCW, but it's also given me an opportunity to realize the mistakes I've made... mistakes like Scott Hall, Kevin Nash, Sting, Diamond Dallas Page, and oh yeah, oh yeah... let's not forget Sid &quot;Wished he was&quot; Vicious. But you know what the biggest mistake I've ever made? I mean this is the real big one. Hulk Hogan. I'm sorry - I really am sorry.
:Everybody told me he would screw me - he would use me - they said, do not look into that red and yellow light because you will be blinded. Well, I was blinded, but tonight I've got 20/20 vision - I'm seeing real clearly for the first time in a long time, and right now I want to apologize to everybody in this ring - The New Blood - and I want you guys to know that if there's anything I can do for Vince Russo that will help you, I am there for him - I am there for you, because it is a whole new WCW. And where are they? Where are they, where is Diamond Dallas Page? Where is Sting? Where are they?
:'''Russo''': I think they're hiding in the back with the old tail between their legs.
===July 15===
:''[Tony Schiavone and Mark Madden talk about the Billy Kidman/Torrie Wilson sex tape on Nitro and the subsequent segment between Torrie and Shane Douglas on Thunder.]''
:'''Tony Schiavone''': ... that fueled the fire for this &quot;Viagra on a Pole&quot; Match.
:'''Mark Madden''': I'll tell you... I'll tell you what, you can't come out of here limping in a match like this. You gotta get it up right away and keep it up.
===August 14===
:'''Vince Russo''': ''[Standing in the ring with Tank Abbott at the start of the show]'' You know, it seems like deja vu all over again. I stood in this very ring [[w:Bash at the Beach|one month ago]], and I made history. I made an example out of somebody... and you all know who [[w:Hulk Hogan|that]] is, because that piece of shit hasn't been around since! Well tonight, I'm gonna make an example on live TV out of another piece of shit, Goldberg! You don't screw with me and the fact is I came out here tonight to fire Bill Goldberg's ass on national TV! Yeah, cheer for him you asshole Canadians! Well you know what? Brad Siegel wouldn't let me fire Goldberg because the fans love Goldberg! Well I say screw the fans and I say screw Bill Goldberg! And Goldberg, since I could not fire your ass, well I'm going to have your ass kicked right here tonight and he's right here Bill. Remember what happened at the Phillips arena Bill? Well we all know that was bullshit! So I say Bill, you bring it out here and lets call it in the ring. Do it Tank! You know, let me explain something to you assholes! You see, Bill Goldberg, Bill Goldberg believes in his own little mind that if this world were real, then he could take everybody! He could kick everybody's ass! He could kick your ass Tank! You know Bill, you think you're Superman, you think you're invincible, you think I can't beat you huh? Well I'll tell you what, I've got the kryptonite to stick up your ass tonight pal! What do I got to do? Do I got to beg you to come out here chickenshit?! What's the matter Bill? You don't want to come out here? You don't know the script? You don't know the storyline? Tank will call your ass!
===September 11===
:''[Big Poppa Pump is interviewed by Mean Gene]''
:'''Scott Steiner''': That's right Mean Gene, I don't lay down for nobody and whether I leave here the world champion tonight, it don't matter because it's not going to change my focus on getting even with Goldberg for fracturing my face at Fall Brawl. Goldberg! I'm getting even for you fracturing my face and I'm gonna prove to you that I'm the man with the largest arms in the world! I'm the genetic freak and size does matter! And that statement, Mean Gene, comes true whether I'm in the ring or out of the ring. See where all my freaks are horizontal, they understand size, they appreciate size and size does matter and they know that they don't have to wait for the Earth to rotate on a 47-degree axis so the stars can touch the sky and create an equinox so they see the Big Dipper. No no no, all they gotta do is call the Big Poppa, cause I'm the man with the big dipper and satisfaction's coming when I go behind and do the bump n' grind and it's only a matter of time before they call me the big bad booty daddy! So Goldberg, realize this. I only care about two things in this world: my freaks and my peaks and I'll beat your ass down at Fall Brawl and I'm about to put you in the Steiner Recliner and I'm gonna whisper in your ear, 'Size does matter, bitch!'

==2001==
===March 19===
:''[Booker T calls out Big Poppa Pump and Ric Flair]''
:'''Booker T''': Yo Steiner, Flair. I told you I was gonna talk to the man and that man is Eric Bischoff, so shut up and listen.
:'''Eric Bischoff''': ''[by phone patch]'' Thank you Booker. For those of you in the arena and all of you watching around the country this evening, I would very much would have chosen to be there tonight in person as I could be but given everything that's going on tonight, that's just not possible. Many of you may know that for the past six months I've been working with a group of people whose goal was - and is - to acquire World Championship Wrestling and to grow it once again to becoming a competitive, dominant wrestling organization worldwide. 
:But recently, we've hit a couple of roadblocks that may be in fact brick walls, and while it is still in my power, I want to do something befitting what could be very well the last night of wrestling on the Turner networks. Given the fact that that wrestling has been such an important part of Turner's history for the past 29 years, I've been thinking over the weekend on what I could do to provide an exciting program that this historic event should be. To that end, I want to make an announcement now that next Monday night in Panama City is indeed going to be a &quot;Night of Champions.&quot; By that, I mean every championship will be up for grabs, starting with the World Cruiserweight Championship, the Cruiserweight Tag Team Championships, the World Tag Team championship, the US title, and the World Heavyweight will also be up for grabs next Monday night at Panama City. And Scott Steiner, Booker T, I want you to, to be aware now that your match is going to be a &quot;Title Vs Title&quot; match. The contracts are prepared, a WCW representative is standing by to make sure that the contracts are executed. Read them carefully, sign them, be prepared to defend your titles next Monday night. And also given the historic nature of this occasion and my relationship with this company for nearly ten years, I wanna personally extend an open invitation to any former - and I mean ''any former'' - World Heavyweight champion in WCW to join us in Panama City, and don't be afraid to bring your boots with you. 
:Lastly, Ric Flair, you and I have had a very rocky relationship over the past ten years and while I have a tremendous amount of respect for you and what you've done in wrestling history and what you've done for WCW for so long now, I want to make sure that in your case, a promise made is a promise kept - and Ric Flair, it is in your best interest this evening - to kiss Dusty Rhodes' ass. ''[Flair is flustered]'' That being said, I'll see you all in Panama City next Monday night, The Night of Champions, thank you.

===March 26===
:''[After the WCW opening logo, Vince McMahon appears]''
:'''Vince McMahon''': Imagine that. Me, Vince McMahon. Imagine that, here I am, on WCW television. How can that happen? Well, there's only one way. You see that it was just a matter of time before I, Vince McMahon, bought my competition. That's right, I own WCW, so therefore in its final broadcast tonight on TNT, I have the opportunity to address ''[hands gesturing to camera]'' you the WCW fans. I have an opportunity to address, you the WCW superstars. What is the fate of WCW? Well tonight, in this special simulcast, you will all find out, because the fate - ''[cups hands]'' the very fate of WCW is in ''my hands''.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Ric Flair comes down to the ring]''
:'''Ric Flair''': Did I - Did I - WOOOOO! Did I happen to hear Vince McMahon say he was goin' to hold WCW in the palms of his hands? Is that what he said? Does that mean that YOU are gonna hold Jack Brisco, Dory Funk, Harley Race, the Road Warriors, Sting, Luger, the Steiners, Bagwell, Ric Flair, Steamboat, does that mean you're gonna hold us all in the palm of your hands? To coin a phrase, I don't think so! You know, at twelve o'clock today, someone very special to me said, &quot;Do not go onto that show tonight knowin' it's the last time that you'll ever be on TNT or TBS&quot; - knowing it's the last time, she said to me, &quot;Don't go out there and cry - don't go out there and say you're sorry&quot; because I'm not - I've been fourteen times the World Champion - in my eyes, one of the greatest, you got it! The greatest wrestling organization in the world - WCW!

:We... I'm talkin' about the Stings, the Lugers, the Steiners, the Road Warriors - I'm talkin' about my best friend, Arn Anderson and the Four Horsemen - we have been on a par, and we have been equal to any wrestling organization in the world - as a matter of fact, we have run neck and neck with you, Vince McMahon, for years - for YEARS - and just for trivia, Vince McMahon, do you know that in 1981, when you were trying to become an announcer, your dad was on the board of directors and voted for ME to be the world champion - WOOOO! How 'bout that? And ever since that day, I have been a limousine-ridin', jet-flyin', kiss-stealin', wheelin-dealin', son of a gun, that along with the whole WCW dammit all, have kissed the girls worldwide, and made 'em cry! 'Cause ya see, we were every bit the force, we were WCW - we lived, we breathed, we sweat, we paid the price to be the best - never been about the boys - it's always been WWF vs. the WCW in the office - the boys that have gone out there, night in and night out, doing everything they could to be the very best at what they chose to do in their life - those boys are here tonight - we are!

:We're not going anywhere, you can't hold us in your hands and predict our life! We're WCW! We've bled and we've sweat - when was the last time you wrestled for an hour, cut yourself five times, bled for 45 minutes... when were you there? You weren't! You weren't! You were never in the dressing room, on the road 40 days and 40 nights, bleedin', sweatin', goin' to the next town, you weren't there, you can't hold people's lives in your hands. We're the greatest wrestling company of all time - I wanna say it again - you can't control us or our future, and in closing, let me say this - in all my years in this sport, my greatest opponent with this company has been Sting - so tonight, if we're going out, if we're going out on a high note, Stinger, the Nature Boy wants you right here, because - that's right - that's right - ya hear it, Sting? Sting, my greatest opponent - Sting, it's your last chance - your last chance to be... ''[crowd chants Sting]'' Sting, Sting, Sting, Sting, Sting, Sting - Sting! To be - the man, you've gotta beat the man, and Sting... I'M. THE. MAN. WOOOOOO!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[In a prerecorded video, DDP reflects on his WCW journey]''
:'''Diamond Dallas Page''': In the words of the Grateful Dead, what a long strange trip it's been, but I gotta tell you, I've loved every second of it, wouldn't trade it for nothing. And tonight, on this historic eve, I thought I needed to thank all the wrestling fans from around the world, for letting a kid from the Jersey Shore, Page Joseph Falkenberg, become Diamond Dallas Page. The guy they said would never make it but did. And that proves only one thing, if you want it bad enough and you're willing to work for it, anything's possible. It's not the promoters who decide who's over, it's the fans, so not just to thanks the fans in general, I want to specially thank, the WCW wrestling fans and my wife, Kimberly, for believing in me, and helping me live my dream. Is that dream over? I don't think so, I think now it's time to take it to another level. ''[to camera]'' Thank you.
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[as the WCW Cruiserweight Tag Team Championship match begins, Tony Schiavone goes a bit off-script upon learning of William Regal talking to Vince McMahon over his purchase of WCW]''
:'''Tony Schiavone''': I don't want to sit here, and as a person who's been on Monday Nitro for many years, it hits you to hear anything that he once said... Mr McMahon, it's his money, he can do whatever he wants, I don't know what he's gonna do tonight, but let me say this: to sit here and listen to their Commissioner, rip WCW? 
:'''Scott Hudson''': Yes.
:'''Schiavone''': Come on. I mean, we've had to do some crazy things, Steve Regal, including putting your ass over on TV!
&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[calling the match between Sting and Ric Flair]''
:'''Tony Schiavone''': ''[sees Sting Superplex Flair]'' Yes, he got it down. What's Sting gonna do now? ''[Scorpion Deathlock]'' Scorpion Deathlock!! He's got it on!
:'''Scott Hudson''': Center of the ring!
:'''Schiavone''': ''[Flair quits]'' It's over! It's over!! It's Sting! Sting wins! Sting defeats Ric Flair here on the final telecast of ''WCW Monday Nitro'' on TNT. And look at that, my god that he's gonna help him up. And the embrace, it's what we're all about. 
:'''Hudson''': Sting knows that Ric Flair made him at that Clash of the Champions. That's ultimate respect.
:'''Schiavone''': It really is.
:'''Hudson''': For two men, I have to say, that have huge fans of, they may be continue to be fans of professional wrestling. Thank you Steve Borden, thank you Ric Flair, for everything you've meant to this sport.
:'''Schiavone''': It's an emotional rollercoaster for all of us fans. The uncertainty of our jobs, our future of what we love, what we breathe, and what we live. We don't just work for WCW, we lived WCW, and I know Flair is thinking that the fans would agree.

== External links==
{{Wikipedia}}

[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
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      <comment>Undo revision 3100556 by [[Special:Contributions/Fehufanga|Fehufanga]] ([[User talk:Fehufanga|talk]]) lol, PERFECT EXAMPLE OF WMF VANDALISMS BELOW WHO REVERT THE OBVIOUS!</comment>
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      <text bytes="18558" xml:space="preserve">[[File:1911 Solvay conference.jpg|thumb|When we see a woman bartering beauty for gold, we look upon such a one as no other than a common prostitute; but she who rewards the passion of some worthy youth with it, gains at the same time our approbation and esteem. It is the very same with philosophy: he who sets it forth for public sale, to be disposed of to the highest bidder, is a sophist, a public prostitute. ~ [[Xenophon]]]]

[[File:Rousseau Geneve.JPG|thumb|There is not a single one of them who, if he came to know the true and the false, would not prefer the falsehood that he had found to the truth discovered by another. ~ [[Jean-Jacques Rousseau]]]]

'''[[w:Academia|Academia]]''' (derives from Ancient Greek Ἀκαδημία) is the community of students and scholars engaged in [[higher education]] and [[research]]. Academia is the part of society, especially universities, that is connected with studying and thinking.
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{{TOCalpha}}
==A==
* Like every '[[intellectual]]', a philosophy teacher is a [[Bourgeoisie|petty bourgeois]]. When he opens his mouth, it is petty-bourgeois [[ideology]] that speaks: its resources and ruses are infinite. 
** [[Louis Althusser]], ''[[Vladimir Lenin|Lenin]] and Philosophy and Other Writings'' (1971), p. 2

==B==

* The university, in a society ruled by public opinion, was to have been an island of intellectual freedom where all views were investigated without restriction. … But by consenting to play an active or “positive,” a participatory role in society, the university has become inundated and saturated with the backflow of society’s “problems.” Preoccupied with questions of Health, Sex, Race, War, academics make their reputations and their fortunes. … Any proposed reforms of liberal education which might bring the university into conflict with the whole of the U.S.A. are unthinkable. Increasingly, the people “inside” are identical in their appetites and motives with the people “outside” the university.
** [[Saul Bellow]], ''Introduction to [[The Closing of the American Mind]]'' (New York: 1988), p. 18.

* The more rigorously criticism historicizes a work of art, in the sense of lodging it in the context of the moment of its production, the less likely it becomes for criticism to be able to explain either its own subsequent interest in the work or the possibility of lay—that is, nonacademic—interest in reading it.
** [[Russell Berman]], ''Fiction Sets You Free: Literature, Liberty and Western Culture'' (2007), pp. 5-6.

*ACADEME, n. An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught.&lt;br&gt;ACADEMY, n. [from ACADEME] A modern school where football is taught.
** [[Ambrose Bierce]], ''The Cynic's Dictionary'' (1906); republished as ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911).

* The academies and universities satisfied Socrates’ demand to be fed in the prytaneum.
** [[Allan Bloom]], “Commerce and Culture,” ''Giants and Dwarfs'' (1990), p. 289.

* In academia, … an art historian, on being stirred to tears by the tenderness and serenity he detects in a work by a fourteenth-century Florentine painter, may end up writing a monograph, as irreproachable as it is bloodless, on the history of paint manufacture in the age of Giotto. It seems easier to respond to our enthusiasms by trading in facts than by investigating the more naive question of how and why we have been moved.
** [[Alain de Botton]], ''The Pleasures and Sorrows of Work'' (2009), pp. 27-29.

* There are certain inferior or second-rate minds, who seem only fit to become the receptacle, register, or storehouse of all the productions of other talents; they are plagiarists, translators, compilers; they never think, but tell you what other authors have thought; and as a selection of thoughts requires some inventive powers, theirs is ill-made and inaccurate, which induces them rather to make it large than excellent. They have no originality, and possess nothing of their own; they only know what they have learned, and only learn what the rest of the world does not wish to know; a useless and dry science, without any charm or profit, unfit for conversation, nor suitable to intercourse, like a coin which has no currency. We are astonished when we read them, as well as tired out by their conversation or their works. The nobility and the common herd mistake them for men of learning, but intelligent men rank them with pedants.
** [[Jean de La Bruyère]], ''Characters'', H. Van Laun, trans. (London: 1885) “Of Works of the Mind,” #62.

==C==
[[File:Billets de 5000.jpg|thumb|In academia it’s common to get sanctions like “no more female grad students” or “no more undergraduate teaching” or “please work at home for now.” These are mild punishments at best, but departments are unsure what other options they have—and universities don’t make it easy to fire professors. The institutions know that perpetrators generally have more resources than victims and are more likely to sue if they are fired. It is a good [[financial]] decision, then, to do nothing about a perpetrator, even if they are guilty. ~ [[w:Kathryn B. H. Clancy|Kathryn B. H. Clancy]]]]

* What I admire in the ancient philosophers is their desire to make their lives conform to their writings, a trait which we notice in [[Plato]], [[Theophrastus]] and many others. Practical morality was so truly their philosophy’s essence that many, such as [[w:Xenocrates|Xenocrates]], Polemon, and [[w:Speusippus|Speusippus]], were placed at the head of schools although they had written nothing at all. [[Socrates]] was none the less the foremost philosopher of his age, although he had not composed a single book or studied any other science than ethics.
** [[Nicolas Chamfort]], ''Maxims and Considerations'', E. P. Mathers, trans. (1926), #448

* Why don’t we do anything when we know about the perpetrators in our midst? So far, consequences for scientist-harassers are few and far between. In academia it’s common to get sanctions like “no more female grad students” or “no more undergraduate teaching” or “please work at home for now.” These are mild punishments at best, but departments are unsure what other options they have—and universities don’t make it easy to fire professors. The institutions know that perpetrators generally have more resources than victims and are more likely to sue if they are fired. It is a good [[financial]] decision, then, to do nothing about a perpetrator, even if they are guilty. 
** [[w:Kathryn B. H. Clancy|Kathryn B. H. Clancy]], [https://www.nationalgeographic.com/magazine/2018/05/sexual-harassment-science-me-too-essay/ &quot;Have the Sciences Had a #MeToo Moment? Not So Much.&quot;], ''National Geographic'', (05/2018).

==D==

* From my childhood, I have been familiar with letters; and as I was given to believe that by their help a clear and certain knowledge of all that is useful in life might be acquired, I was ardently desirous of instruction. But as soon as I had finished the entire course of study, at the close of which it is customary to be admitted into the order of the learned, I completely changed my opinion. For I found myself involved in so many doubts and errors, that I was convinced I had advanced no farther in all my attempts at learning, than the discovery at every turn of my own ignorance. And yet I was studying in one of the most celebrated Schools in Europe, in which I thought there must be learned men, if such were anywhere to be found.
** [[René Descartes]], ''[[Discourse on Method]]'', J. Veitch, trans. (1899), p. 4.

* ''Homo academicus'' is a herd animal.
** [[w:William Desmond (philosopher)|William Desmond]] in Christopher Ben Simpson, [http://journal.radicalorthodoxy.org/index.php/ROTPP/article/viewFile/62/10 &quot;Between God and Metaphysics: An Interview with William Desmond&quot;], ''Radical Orthodoxy: Theology, Philosophy, Politics'', Vol. 1, Numbers 1 &amp; 2 (August 2012), p. 364.

==E==
* Numerous are the academic chairs, but rare are [[wise]] and [[noble]] [[teachers]]. Numerous and large are the lecture halls, but far from numerous the [[young]] men who genuinely thirst for [[truth]] and [[justice]]. Numerous are the wares that nature produces by the dozen, but her choice products are few.
** [[Albert Einstein]], “On Academic Freedom,” ''Ideas and Opinions'' (1954).

==J==

* Today's banalities apparently gain in profundity if one states that the wisdom of the past, for all its virtues, belongs to the past. The arrogance of those who come later preens itself with the notion that the past is dead and gone. ... The modern mind can no longer think thought, only can locate it in time and space. The activity of thinking decays to the passivity of classifying.
** [[Russell Jacoby]], ''Social Amnesia'' (1975), p. 1

* The application of planned obsolescence to thought itself has the same merit as its application to consumer goods; the new is not only shoddier than the old, it fuels an obsolete social system that staves off its replacement by manufacturing the illusion that it is perpetually new.
** [[Russell Jacoby]], ''Social Amnesia'' (1975), p. xvii

* [[Friedrich Nietzsche|Nietzsche’s]] ideas and plans: for example, the idea of giving up the whole wretched academic world to form a secular monastic community.
** [[Karl Jaspers]], ''[[Nietzsche]]'', C. Walraff and F. Schmitz, trans. (Baltimore: 1997).

==L==
* It is the capitalist class that pays you, that feeds you, that puts the very clothes on your backs that you are wearing tonight. And in return you preach to your employers the brands of metaphysics that are especially acceptable to them; and the especially acceptable brands are acceptable because they do not menace the established order of society. ... You are sincere. You preach what you believe. There lies your strength and your value&amp;mdash;to the capitalist class. But should you change your belief to something that menaces the established order, your preaching would be unacceptable to your employers, and you would be discharged. ... Your hands are soft with the work others have performed for you. Your stomachs are round with the plenitude of eating. ... And your minds are filled with doctrines that are buttresses of the established order. You are as much mercenaries (sincere mercenaries, I grant) as were the men of the [[w:Swiss Guards|Swiss Guard]]. 
** [[Jack London]], Ernest Everhard addressing a group of academics, in ''[[s:The Iron Heel|The Iron Heel]]'' (1908), Chapter 1

* When one of [[Ludwig Feuerbach|Feuerbach’s]] friends attempts to get him an academic position, Feuerbach writes to him: “The more people make of me, the less I am, and vice versa. I am … something only so long as I am nothing.”
** [[Karl Löwith]], ''From [[Hegel]] to [[Nietzsche]]'', D. Green, trans. (1964), pp. 68-69.

== M ==

* To overcome the academic prose you have first to overcome the academic pose.
** [[C. Wright Mills]], ''The Sociological Imagination'' (1959).

==N==
* One should observe our scholars closely: they have reached the point where they think only “reactively,” i.e. they must read before they can think.
** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], ''The Will to Power'', § 916, cited in [[Walter Kaufmann]], ''Nietzsche'', p. 419

==P==

* [[w:David Halperin|Halperin's]] final essay, &quot;Why Is Diotima a Woman?&quot;, has inspired the title of my article. Here we have one of the great junk bonds of the fast-track academic era, whose unbridled greed for fame and power was intimately in sync with parallel developments on Wall Street. This is yuppie entrepreneurship at its height. It's scholarship skating on a gold credit card, sweeping up everything in its path and dropping it unsorted and uncomprehended in a heap in the boutique window. Its inner bonds too are junk: the logic is specious and its claims counterfeit. … Nothing is thought through or developed in a sensible, plausible way. All energy goes toward show, pretense, posing.
** [[Camille Paglia]], reviewing David Halperin’s ''One Hundred Years of Homosexuality'', “Junk Bonds and Corporate Raiders: Academe in the Hour of the Wolf,” ''Arion'', Third Series, Vol. 1, No. 2 (Spring, 1991), pp. 158-159

* Academe has become a [[multinational corporation]], and scholars have become businessmen, mobile merchants on the make.
** [[Camille Paglia]], “Junk Bonds and Corporate Raiders: Academe in the Hour of the Wolf,” ''Arion'', Third Series, Vol. 1, No. 2 (Spring, 1991), p. 172

* Today's academic leftists are strutting wannabes, timorous nerds who missed the Sixties while they were grade-grubbing in the library and brown-nosing the senior faculty. Their politics came to them late, secondhand, and special delivery via the Parisian import craze of the Seventies. These people have risen to the top not by challenging the system but by smoothly adapting themselves to it. They're company men, Rosencrantz and Guildensterns, privileged opportunists who rode the wave of fashion.
** [[Camille Paglia]], “Junk Bonds and Corporate Raiders: Academe in the Hour of the Wolf,” ''Arion'', Third Series, Vol. 1, No. 2 (Spring, 1991), pp. 176-177

* We know something about billionaire consumption, but it is hard to measure some of it. Some billionaires are consuming politicians, others consume reporters, and some consume academics.
** [[Thomas Piketty]], quoted in Chuck Coliins, [http://inequality.org/nitpicking-piketty/ Nit-Picking Piketty] (2015)
** At [http://events.mediasite.com/Mediasite/Play/b6d6725ea1df49c896fc82465f732e9b1d ASSA], 01:40:27

==R==
* Even though philosophers should be in a position to discover the truth, which of them would take any interest in it? Each one knows well that his system is not better founded than the others, but he supports it because it is his. There is not a single one of them who, if he came to know the true and the false, would not prefer the falsehood that he had found to the truth discovered by another. Where is the philosopher who would not willingly deceive mankind for his own glory? Where is he who in the secret of his heart does not propose to himself any other object than to distinguish himself? Provided that he lifts himself above the vulgar, provided that he outshines the brilliance of his competitors, what does he demand more? The essential thing is to think differently from others. With believers he is an atheist; with atheists he would be a believer.
** [[Jean-Jacques Rousseau]], ''[[w:Emile, or On Education|Émile, or On Education]]'', book 4

== S ==
* For the intellectual class, expertise has usually been a service rendered, and sold, to the central authority of society. This is the ''trahison des clercs'' of which [[Julien Benda]] spoke in the 1920s. Expertise in foreign affairs, for example, has usually meant the legitimization of the conduct of foreign policy.
** [[Edward Said]], ''The World, the Text, and the Critic'' (1983), p. 2

* The intellectual origins of literary theory in Europe were, I think it is accurate to say, insurrectionary. The traditional university, the hegemony of determinism and positivism, the reification of ideological bourgeois “humanism,” the rigid barriers between academic specialties: it was powerful responses to all these that linked together such influential progenitors of today’s literary theorist as Saussure, [[w:Ferdinand de Saussure|Saussure]], [[Lukács]], [[Georges Bataille|Bataille]], [[Claude Lévi-Strauss|Lévi-Strauss]], [[Sigmund Freud|Freud]], [[Nietzsche]], and [[Karl Marx|Marx]]. Theory proposed itself as a synthesis overriding the petty fiefdoms within the world of intellectual production, and it was manifestly to be hoped as a result that all the domains of human activity could be seen, and lived, as a unity. … Literary theory, whether of the Left or the Right, has turned its back on these things. This can be considered, I think, the triumph of the ethic of professionalism. But it is no accident that the emergence of so narrowly defined a philosophy of pure textuality and critical noninterference has coincided with the ascendancy of [[w:Ronald Reagan|Reaganism]].
** [[Edward Said]], ''The World, the Text, and the Critic'' (1983), pp. 3-4.

* Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, because the stakes are so low.
** [[w:Sayre's Law|Sayre's Law]], attributed to Wallace Stanley Sayre (1905-1972), political scientist at Columbia University; attributed to others with minor wording variations.&lt;ref name=&quot;Keyes Quote Verifier&quot;&gt;{{cite book | url=https://books.google.co.nz/books?id=d6JZryGvfxYC&amp;pg=PA1&amp;lpg=PA1#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false | title=The Quote Verifier: Who Said What, Where, and When | publisher=St. Martin's Press | author=Keyes, Ralph | authorlink=Ralph Keyes (author) | year=2007 | pages=1 | isbn=1-4299-0617-0}}&lt;/ref&gt;

==T==
* Academia is to knowledge what prostitution is to love.
** [[Nassim N. Taleb]], ''The Bed of Procrustes: Philosophical and Practical Aphorisms'' (2010), p. 4.

==W==
* What the learned world tends to offer is one second-hand scrap of information illustrating ideas derived from another second-hand scrap of information. The second-handedness of the learned world is the secret of its mediocrity.
** [[Alfred North Whitehead]], “Technical Education,” in ''The Aims of Education and Other Essays'' (1929), p. 61.

==X==
* When we see a woman bartering beauty for gold, we look upon such a one as no other than a common prostitute; but she who rewards the passion of some worthy youth with it, gains at the same time our approbation and esteem. It is the very same with philosophy: he who sets it forth for public sale, to be disposed of to the highest bidder, is a sophist, a public prostitute.
** [[Xenophon]], [[Socrates]] in ''Memorabilia'', 1.6.11, T. Stanley, trans., p. 535

* To offer one’s beauty for money to all comers is called prostitution. … So is it with wisdom. Those who offer it to all comers for money are known as sophists, prostitutors of wisdom.
** [[Xenophon]], [[Socrates]] in ''Memorabilia'', 1.6.11

== See also ==
* [[Academic careerism]]
* [[Education]]
* [[W:Free education|Free education]]
* [[Intellectuals]]
* [[Knowledge]]
* [[Learning]]
* [[Liberal education]]
* [[W:Open education|Open education]]
* [[W:Open educational resources|Open educational resources]]
* [[w:Right to education|Right to education]]
* [[Teachers]]
* [[Tuition]]
* [[Universities]]
*[[Wisdom]]

==External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
{{Wiktionary|academia}}

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      <text bytes="18406" xml:space="preserve">[[File:1911 Solvay conference.jpg|thumb|When we see a woman bartering beauty for gold, we look upon such a one as no other than a common prostitute; but she who rewards the passion of some worthy youth with it, gains at the same time our approbation and esteem. It is the very same with philosophy: he who sets it forth for public sale, to be disposed of to the highest bidder, is a sophist, a public prostitute. ~ [[Xenophon]]]]

[[File:Rousseau Geneve.JPG|thumb|There is not a single one of them who, if he came to know the true and the false, would not prefer the falsehood that he had found to the truth discovered by another. ~ [[Jean-Jacques Rousseau]]]]
'''[[w:Academia|Academia]]''' is the community of students and scholars engaged in [[higher education]] and [[research]].
__NOTOC__
{{TOCalpha}}
==A==
* Like every '[[intellectual]]', a philosophy teacher is a [[Bourgeoisie|petty bourgeois]]. When he opens his mouth, it is petty-bourgeois [[ideology]] that speaks: its resources and ruses are infinite. 
** [[Louis Althusser]], ''[[Vladimir Lenin|Lenin]] and Philosophy and Other Writings'' (1971), p. 2

==B==

* The university, in a society ruled by public opinion, was to have been an island of intellectual freedom where all views were investigated without restriction. … But by consenting to play an active or “positive,” a participatory role in society, the university has become inundated and saturated with the backflow of society’s “problems.” Preoccupied with questions of Health, Sex, Race, War, academics make their reputations and their fortunes. … Any proposed reforms of liberal education which might bring the university into conflict with the whole of the U.S.A. are unthinkable. Increasingly, the people “inside” are identical in their appetites and motives with the people “outside” the university.
** [[Saul Bellow]], ''Introduction to [[The Closing of the American Mind]]'' (New York: 1988), p. 18.

* The more rigorously criticism historicizes a work of art, in the sense of lodging it in the context of the moment of its production, the less likely it becomes for criticism to be able to explain either its own subsequent interest in the work or the possibility of lay—that is, nonacademic—interest in reading it.
** [[Russell Berman]], ''Fiction Sets You Free: Literature, Liberty and Western Culture'' (2007), pp. 5-6.

*ACADEME, n. An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught.&lt;br&gt;ACADEMY, n. [from ACADEME] A modern school where football is taught.
** [[Ambrose Bierce]], ''The Cynic's Dictionary'' (1906); republished as ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911).

* The academies and universities satisfied Socrates’ demand to be fed in the prytaneum.
** [[Allan Bloom]], “Commerce and Culture,” ''Giants and Dwarfs'' (1990), p. 289.

* In academia, … an art historian, on being stirred to tears by the tenderness and serenity he detects in a work by a fourteenth-century Florentine painter, may end up writing a monograph, as irreproachable as it is bloodless, on the history of paint manufacture in the age of Giotto. It seems easier to respond to our enthusiasms by trading in facts than by investigating the more naive question of how and why we have been moved.
** [[Alain de Botton]], ''The Pleasures and Sorrows of Work'' (2009), pp. 27-29.

* There are certain inferior or second-rate minds, who seem only fit to become the receptacle, register, or storehouse of all the productions of other talents; they are plagiarists, translators, compilers; they never think, but tell you what other authors have thought; and as a selection of thoughts requires some inventive powers, theirs is ill-made and inaccurate, which induces them rather to make it large than excellent. They have no originality, and possess nothing of their own; they only know what they have learned, and only learn what the rest of the world does not wish to know; a useless and dry science, without any charm or profit, unfit for conversation, nor suitable to intercourse, like a coin which has no currency. We are astonished when we read them, as well as tired out by their conversation or their works. The nobility and the common herd mistake them for men of learning, but intelligent men rank them with pedants.
** [[Jean de La Bruyère]], ''Characters'', H. Van Laun, trans. (London: 1885) “Of Works of the Mind,” #62.

==C==
[[File:Billets de 5000.jpg|thumb|In academia it’s common to get sanctions like “no more female grad students” or “no more undergraduate teaching” or “please work at home for now.” These are mild punishments at best, but departments are unsure what other options they have—and universities don’t make it easy to fire professors. The institutions know that perpetrators generally have more resources than victims and are more likely to sue if they are fired. It is a good [[financial]] decision, then, to do nothing about a perpetrator, even if they are guilty. ~ [[w:Kathryn B. H. Clancy|Kathryn B. H. Clancy]]]]

* What I admire in the ancient philosophers is their desire to make their lives conform to their writings, a trait which we notice in [[Plato]], [[Theophrastus]] and many others. Practical morality was so truly their philosophy’s essence that many, such as [[w:Xenocrates|Xenocrates]], Polemon, and [[w:Speusippus|Speusippus]], were placed at the head of schools although they had written nothing at all. [[Socrates]] was none the less the foremost philosopher of his age, although he had not composed a single book or studied any other science than ethics.
** [[Nicolas Chamfort]], ''Maxims and Considerations'', E. P. Mathers, trans. (1926), #448

* Why don’t we do anything when we know about the perpetrators in our midst? So far, consequences for scientist-harassers are few and far between. In academia it’s common to get sanctions like “no more female grad students” or “no more undergraduate teaching” or “please work at home for now.” These are mild punishments at best, but departments are unsure what other options they have—and universities don’t make it easy to fire professors. The institutions know that perpetrators generally have more resources than victims and are more likely to sue if they are fired. It is a good [[financial]] decision, then, to do nothing about a perpetrator, even if they are guilty. 
** [[w:Kathryn B. H. Clancy|Kathryn B. H. Clancy]], [https://www.nationalgeographic.com/magazine/2018/05/sexual-harassment-science-me-too-essay/ &quot;Have the Sciences Had a #MeToo Moment? Not So Much.&quot;], ''National Geographic'', (05/2018).

==D==

* From my childhood, I have been familiar with letters; and as I was given to believe that by their help a clear and certain knowledge of all that is useful in life might be acquired, I was ardently desirous of instruction. But as soon as I had finished the entire course of study, at the close of which it is customary to be admitted into the order of the learned, I completely changed my opinion. For I found myself involved in so many doubts and errors, that I was convinced I had advanced no farther in all my attempts at learning, than the discovery at every turn of my own ignorance. And yet I was studying in one of the most celebrated Schools in Europe, in which I thought there must be learned men, if such were anywhere to be found.
** [[René Descartes]], ''[[Discourse on Method]]'', J. Veitch, trans. (1899), p. 4.

* ''Homo academicus'' is a herd animal.
** [[w:William Desmond (philosopher)|William Desmond]] in Christopher Ben Simpson, [http://journal.radicalorthodoxy.org/index.php/ROTPP/article/viewFile/62/10 &quot;Between God and Metaphysics: An Interview with William Desmond&quot;], ''Radical Orthodoxy: Theology, Philosophy, Politics'', Vol. 1, Numbers 1 &amp; 2 (August 2012), p. 364.

==E==
* Numerous are the academic chairs, but rare are [[wise]] and [[noble]] [[teachers]]. Numerous and large are the lecture halls, but far from numerous the [[young]] men who genuinely thirst for [[truth]] and [[justice]]. Numerous are the wares that nature produces by the dozen, but her choice products are few.
** [[Albert Einstein]], “On Academic Freedom,” ''Ideas and Opinions'' (1954).

==J==

* Today's banalities apparently gain in profundity if one states that the wisdom of the past, for all its virtues, belongs to the past. The arrogance of those who come later preens itself with the notion that the past is dead and gone. ... The modern mind can no longer think thought, only can locate it in time and space. The activity of thinking decays to the passivity of classifying.
** [[Russell Jacoby]], ''Social Amnesia'' (1975), p. 1

* The application of planned obsolescence to thought itself has the same merit as its application to consumer goods; the new is not only shoddier than the old, it fuels an obsolete social system that staves off its replacement by manufacturing the illusion that it is perpetually new.
** [[Russell Jacoby]], ''Social Amnesia'' (1975), p. xvii

* [[Friedrich Nietzsche|Nietzsche’s]] ideas and plans: for example, the idea of giving up the whole wretched academic world to form a secular monastic community.
** [[Karl Jaspers]], ''[[Nietzsche]]'', C. Walraff and F. Schmitz, trans. (Baltimore: 1997).

==L==
* It is the capitalist class that pays you, that feeds you, that puts the very clothes on your backs that you are wearing tonight. And in return you preach to your employers the brands of metaphysics that are especially acceptable to them; and the especially acceptable brands are acceptable because they do not menace the established order of society. ... You are sincere. You preach what you believe. There lies your strength and your value&amp;mdash;to the capitalist class. But should you change your belief to something that menaces the established order, your preaching would be unacceptable to your employers, and you would be discharged. ... Your hands are soft with the work others have performed for you. Your stomachs are round with the plenitude of eating. ... And your minds are filled with doctrines that are buttresses of the established order. You are as much mercenaries (sincere mercenaries, I grant) as were the men of the [[w:Swiss Guards|Swiss Guard]]. 
** [[Jack London]], Ernest Everhard addressing a group of academics, in ''[[s:The Iron Heel|The Iron Heel]]'' (1908), Chapter 1

* When one of [[Ludwig Feuerbach|Feuerbach’s]] friends attempts to get him an academic position, Feuerbach writes to him: “The more people make of me, the less I am, and vice versa. I am … something only so long as I am nothing.”
** [[Karl Löwith]], ''From [[Hegel]] to [[Nietzsche]]'', D. Green, trans. (1964), pp. 68-69.

== M ==

* To overcome the academic prose you have first to overcome the academic pose.
** [[C. Wright Mills]], ''The Sociological Imagination'' (1959).

==N==
* One should observe our scholars closely: they have reached the point where they think only “reactively,” i.e. they must read before they can think.
** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], ''The Will to Power'', § 916, cited in [[Walter Kaufmann]], ''Nietzsche'', p. 419

==P==

* [[w:David Halperin|Halperin's]] final essay, &quot;Why Is Diotima a Woman?&quot;, has inspired the title of my article. Here we have one of the great junk bonds of the fast-track academic era, whose unbridled greed for fame and power was intimately in sync with parallel developments on Wall Street. This is yuppie entrepreneurship at its height. It's scholarship skating on a gold credit card, sweeping up everything in its path and dropping it unsorted and uncomprehended in a heap in the boutique window. Its inner bonds too are junk: the logic is specious and its claims counterfeit. … Nothing is thought through or developed in a sensible, plausible way. All energy goes toward show, pretense, posing.
** [[Camille Paglia]], reviewing David Halperin’s ''One Hundred Years of Homosexuality'', “Junk Bonds and Corporate Raiders: Academe in the Hour of the Wolf,” ''Arion'', Third Series, Vol. 1, No. 2 (Spring, 1991), pp. 158-159

* Academe has become a [[multinational corporation]], and scholars have become businessmen, mobile merchants on the make.
** [[Camille Paglia]], “Junk Bonds and Corporate Raiders: Academe in the Hour of the Wolf,” ''Arion'', Third Series, Vol. 1, No. 2 (Spring, 1991), p. 172

* Today's academic leftists are strutting wannabes, timorous nerds who missed the Sixties while they were grade-grubbing in the library and brown-nosing the senior faculty. Their politics came to them late, secondhand, and special delivery via the Parisian import craze of the Seventies. These people have risen to the top not by challenging the system but by smoothly adapting themselves to it. They're company men, Rosencrantz and Guildensterns, privileged opportunists who rode the wave of fashion.
** [[Camille Paglia]], “Junk Bonds and Corporate Raiders: Academe in the Hour of the Wolf,” ''Arion'', Third Series, Vol. 1, No. 2 (Spring, 1991), pp. 176-177

* We know something about billionaire consumption, but it is hard to measure some of it. Some billionaires are consuming politicians, others consume reporters, and some consume academics.
** [[Thomas Piketty]], quoted in Chuck Coliins, [http://inequality.org/nitpicking-piketty/ Nit-Picking Piketty] (2015)
** At [http://events.mediasite.com/Mediasite/Play/b6d6725ea1df49c896fc82465f732e9b1d ASSA], 01:40:27

==R==
* Even though philosophers should be in a position to discover the truth, which of them would take any interest in it? Each one knows well that his system is not better founded than the others, but he supports it because it is his. There is not a single one of them who, if he came to know the true and the false, would not prefer the falsehood that he had found to the truth discovered by another. Where is the philosopher who would not willingly deceive mankind for his own glory? Where is he who in the secret of his heart does not propose to himself any other object than to distinguish himself? Provided that he lifts himself above the vulgar, provided that he outshines the brilliance of his competitors, what does he demand more? The essential thing is to think differently from others. With believers he is an atheist; with atheists he would be a believer.
** [[Jean-Jacques Rousseau]], ''[[w:Emile, or On Education|Émile, or On Education]]'', book 4

== S ==
* For the intellectual class, expertise has usually been a service rendered, and sold, to the central authority of society. This is the ''trahison des clercs'' of which [[Julien Benda]] spoke in the 1920s. Expertise in foreign affairs, for example, has usually meant the legitimization of the conduct of foreign policy.
** [[Edward Said]], ''The World, the Text, and the Critic'' (1983), p. 2

* The intellectual origins of literary theory in Europe were, I think it is accurate to say, insurrectionary. The traditional university, the hegemony of determinism and positivism, the reification of ideological bourgeois “humanism,” the rigid barriers between academic specialties: it was powerful responses to all these that linked together such influential progenitors of today’s literary theorist as Saussure, [[w:Ferdinand de Saussure|Saussure]], [[Lukács]], [[Georges Bataille|Bataille]], [[Claude Lévi-Strauss|Lévi-Strauss]], [[Sigmund Freud|Freud]], [[Nietzsche]], and [[Karl Marx|Marx]]. Theory proposed itself as a synthesis overriding the petty fiefdoms within the world of intellectual production, and it was manifestly to be hoped as a result that all the domains of human activity could be seen, and lived, as a unity. … Literary theory, whether of the Left or the Right, has turned its back on these things. This can be considered, I think, the triumph of the ethic of professionalism. But it is no accident that the emergence of so narrowly defined a philosophy of pure textuality and critical noninterference has coincided with the ascendancy of [[w:Ronald Reagan|Reaganism]].
** [[Edward Said]], ''The World, the Text, and the Critic'' (1983), pp. 3-4.

* Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, because the stakes are so low.
** [[w:Sayre's Law|Sayre's Law]], attributed to Wallace Stanley Sayre (1905-1972), political scientist at Columbia University; attributed to others with minor wording variations.&lt;ref name=&quot;Keyes Quote Verifier&quot;&gt;{{cite book | url=https://books.google.co.nz/books?id=d6JZryGvfxYC&amp;pg=PA1&amp;lpg=PA1#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false | title=The Quote Verifier: Who Said What, Where, and When | publisher=St. Martin's Press | author=Keyes, Ralph | authorlink=Ralph Keyes (author) | year=2007 | pages=1 | isbn=1-4299-0617-0}}&lt;/ref&gt;

==T==
* Academia is to knowledge what prostitution is to love.
** [[Nassim N. Taleb]], ''The Bed of Procrustes: Philosophical and Practical Aphorisms'' (2010), p. 4.

==W==
* What the learned world tends to offer is one second-hand scrap of information illustrating ideas derived from another second-hand scrap of information. The second-handedness of the learned world is the secret of its mediocrity.
** [[Alfred North Whitehead]], “Technical Education,” in ''The Aims of Education and Other Essays'' (1929), p. 61.

==X==
* When we see a woman bartering beauty for gold, we look upon such a one as no other than a common prostitute; but she who rewards the passion of some worthy youth with it, gains at the same time our approbation and esteem. It is the very same with philosophy: he who sets it forth for public sale, to be disposed of to the highest bidder, is a sophist, a public prostitute.
** [[Xenophon]], [[Socrates]] in ''Memorabilia'', 1.6.11, T. Stanley, trans., p. 535

* To offer one’s beauty for money to all comers is called prostitution. … So is it with wisdom. Those who offer it to all comers for money are known as sophists, prostitutors of wisdom.
** [[Xenophon]], [[Socrates]] in ''Memorabilia'', 1.6.11

== See also ==
* [[Academic careerism]]
* [[Education]]
* [[W:Free education|Free education]]
* [[Intellectuals]]
* [[Knowledge]]
* [[Learning]]
* [[Liberal education]]
* [[W:Open education|Open education]]
* [[W:Open educational resources|Open educational resources]]
* [[w:Right to education|Right to education]]
* [[Teachers]]
* [[Tuition]]
* [[Universities]]
*[[Wisdom]]

==External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
{{Wiktionary|academia}}

[[Category:Education]]
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      <text bytes="18558" xml:space="preserve">[[File:1911 Solvay conference.jpg|thumb|When we see a woman bartering beauty for gold, we look upon such a one as no other than a common prostitute; but she who rewards the passion of some worthy youth with it, gains at the same time our approbation and esteem. It is the very same with philosophy: he who sets it forth for public sale, to be disposed of to the highest bidder, is a sophist, a public prostitute. ~ [[Xenophon]]]]

[[File:Rousseau Geneve.JPG|thumb|There is not a single one of them who, if he came to know the true and the false, would not prefer the falsehood that he had found to the truth discovered by another. ~ [[Jean-Jacques Rousseau]]]]

'''[[w:Academia|Academia]]''' (derives from Ancient Greek Ἀκαδημία) is the community of students and scholars engaged in [[higher education]] and [[research]]. Academia is the part of society, especially universities, that is connected with studying and thinking.
__NOTOC__
{{TOCalpha}}
==A==
* Like every '[[intellectual]]', a philosophy teacher is a [[Bourgeoisie|petty bourgeois]]. When he opens his mouth, it is petty-bourgeois [[ideology]] that speaks: its resources and ruses are infinite. 
** [[Louis Althusser]], ''[[Vladimir Lenin|Lenin]] and Philosophy and Other Writings'' (1971), p. 2

==B==

* The university, in a society ruled by public opinion, was to have been an island of intellectual freedom where all views were investigated without restriction. … But by consenting to play an active or “positive,” a participatory role in society, the university has become inundated and saturated with the backflow of society’s “problems.” Preoccupied with questions of Health, Sex, Race, War, academics make their reputations and their fortunes. … Any proposed reforms of liberal education which might bring the university into conflict with the whole of the U.S.A. are unthinkable. Increasingly, the people “inside” are identical in their appetites and motives with the people “outside” the university.
** [[Saul Bellow]], ''Introduction to [[The Closing of the American Mind]]'' (New York: 1988), p. 18.

* The more rigorously criticism historicizes a work of art, in the sense of lodging it in the context of the moment of its production, the less likely it becomes for criticism to be able to explain either its own subsequent interest in the work or the possibility of lay—that is, nonacademic—interest in reading it.
** [[Russell Berman]], ''Fiction Sets You Free: Literature, Liberty and Western Culture'' (2007), pp. 5-6.

*ACADEME, n. An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught.&lt;br&gt;ACADEMY, n. [from ACADEME] A modern school where football is taught.
** [[Ambrose Bierce]], ''The Cynic's Dictionary'' (1906); republished as ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911).

* The academies and universities satisfied Socrates’ demand to be fed in the prytaneum.
** [[Allan Bloom]], “Commerce and Culture,” ''Giants and Dwarfs'' (1990), p. 289.

* In academia, … an art historian, on being stirred to tears by the tenderness and serenity he detects in a work by a fourteenth-century Florentine painter, may end up writing a monograph, as irreproachable as it is bloodless, on the history of paint manufacture in the age of Giotto. It seems easier to respond to our enthusiasms by trading in facts than by investigating the more naive question of how and why we have been moved.
** [[Alain de Botton]], ''The Pleasures and Sorrows of Work'' (2009), pp. 27-29.

* There are certain inferior or second-rate minds, who seem only fit to become the receptacle, register, or storehouse of all the productions of other talents; they are plagiarists, translators, compilers; they never think, but tell you what other authors have thought; and as a selection of thoughts requires some inventive powers, theirs is ill-made and inaccurate, which induces them rather to make it large than excellent. They have no originality, and possess nothing of their own; they only know what they have learned, and only learn what the rest of the world does not wish to know; a useless and dry science, without any charm or profit, unfit for conversation, nor suitable to intercourse, like a coin which has no currency. We are astonished when we read them, as well as tired out by their conversation or their works. The nobility and the common herd mistake them for men of learning, but intelligent men rank them with pedants.
** [[Jean de La Bruyère]], ''Characters'', H. Van Laun, trans. (London: 1885) “Of Works of the Mind,” #62.

==C==
[[File:Billets de 5000.jpg|thumb|In academia it’s common to get sanctions like “no more female grad students” or “no more undergraduate teaching” or “please work at home for now.” These are mild punishments at best, but departments are unsure what other options they have—and universities don’t make it easy to fire professors. The institutions know that perpetrators generally have more resources than victims and are more likely to sue if they are fired. It is a good [[financial]] decision, then, to do nothing about a perpetrator, even if they are guilty. ~ [[w:Kathryn B. H. Clancy|Kathryn B. H. Clancy]]]]

* What I admire in the ancient philosophers is their desire to make their lives conform to their writings, a trait which we notice in [[Plato]], [[Theophrastus]] and many others. Practical morality was so truly their philosophy’s essence that many, such as [[w:Xenocrates|Xenocrates]], Polemon, and [[w:Speusippus|Speusippus]], were placed at the head of schools although they had written nothing at all. [[Socrates]] was none the less the foremost philosopher of his age, although he had not composed a single book or studied any other science than ethics.
** [[Nicolas Chamfort]], ''Maxims and Considerations'', E. P. Mathers, trans. (1926), #448

* Why don’t we do anything when we know about the perpetrators in our midst? So far, consequences for scientist-harassers are few and far between. In academia it’s common to get sanctions like “no more female grad students” or “no more undergraduate teaching” or “please work at home for now.” These are mild punishments at best, but departments are unsure what other options they have—and universities don’t make it easy to fire professors. The institutions know that perpetrators generally have more resources than victims and are more likely to sue if they are fired. It is a good [[financial]] decision, then, to do nothing about a perpetrator, even if they are guilty. 
** [[w:Kathryn B. H. Clancy|Kathryn B. H. Clancy]], [https://www.nationalgeographic.com/magazine/2018/05/sexual-harassment-science-me-too-essay/ &quot;Have the Sciences Had a #MeToo Moment? Not So Much.&quot;], ''National Geographic'', (05/2018).

==D==

* From my childhood, I have been familiar with letters; and as I was given to believe that by their help a clear and certain knowledge of all that is useful in life might be acquired, I was ardently desirous of instruction. But as soon as I had finished the entire course of study, at the close of which it is customary to be admitted into the order of the learned, I completely changed my opinion. For I found myself involved in so many doubts and errors, that I was convinced I had advanced no farther in all my attempts at learning, than the discovery at every turn of my own ignorance. And yet I was studying in one of the most celebrated Schools in Europe, in which I thought there must be learned men, if such were anywhere to be found.
** [[René Descartes]], ''[[Discourse on Method]]'', J. Veitch, trans. (1899), p. 4.

* ''Homo academicus'' is a herd animal.
** [[w:William Desmond (philosopher)|William Desmond]] in Christopher Ben Simpson, [http://journal.radicalorthodoxy.org/index.php/ROTPP/article/viewFile/62/10 &quot;Between God and Metaphysics: An Interview with William Desmond&quot;], ''Radical Orthodoxy: Theology, Philosophy, Politics'', Vol. 1, Numbers 1 &amp; 2 (August 2012), p. 364.

==E==
* Numerous are the academic chairs, but rare are [[wise]] and [[noble]] [[teachers]]. Numerous and large are the lecture halls, but far from numerous the [[young]] men who genuinely thirst for [[truth]] and [[justice]]. Numerous are the wares that nature produces by the dozen, but her choice products are few.
** [[Albert Einstein]], “On Academic Freedom,” ''Ideas and Opinions'' (1954).

==J==

* Today's banalities apparently gain in profundity if one states that the wisdom of the past, for all its virtues, belongs to the past. The arrogance of those who come later preens itself with the notion that the past is dead and gone. ... The modern mind can no longer think thought, only can locate it in time and space. The activity of thinking decays to the passivity of classifying.
** [[Russell Jacoby]], ''Social Amnesia'' (1975), p. 1

* The application of planned obsolescence to thought itself has the same merit as its application to consumer goods; the new is not only shoddier than the old, it fuels an obsolete social system that staves off its replacement by manufacturing the illusion that it is perpetually new.
** [[Russell Jacoby]], ''Social Amnesia'' (1975), p. xvii

* [[Friedrich Nietzsche|Nietzsche’s]] ideas and plans: for example, the idea of giving up the whole wretched academic world to form a secular monastic community.
** [[Karl Jaspers]], ''[[Nietzsche]]'', C. Walraff and F. Schmitz, trans. (Baltimore: 1997).

==L==
* It is the capitalist class that pays you, that feeds you, that puts the very clothes on your backs that you are wearing tonight. And in return you preach to your employers the brands of metaphysics that are especially acceptable to them; and the especially acceptable brands are acceptable because they do not menace the established order of society. ... You are sincere. You preach what you believe. There lies your strength and your value&amp;mdash;to the capitalist class. But should you change your belief to something that menaces the established order, your preaching would be unacceptable to your employers, and you would be discharged. ... Your hands are soft with the work others have performed for you. Your stomachs are round with the plenitude of eating. ... And your minds are filled with doctrines that are buttresses of the established order. You are as much mercenaries (sincere mercenaries, I grant) as were the men of the [[w:Swiss Guards|Swiss Guard]]. 
** [[Jack London]], Ernest Everhard addressing a group of academics, in ''[[s:The Iron Heel|The Iron Heel]]'' (1908), Chapter 1

* When one of [[Ludwig Feuerbach|Feuerbach’s]] friends attempts to get him an academic position, Feuerbach writes to him: “The more people make of me, the less I am, and vice versa. I am … something only so long as I am nothing.”
** [[Karl Löwith]], ''From [[Hegel]] to [[Nietzsche]]'', D. Green, trans. (1964), pp. 68-69.

== M ==

* To overcome the academic prose you have first to overcome the academic pose.
** [[C. Wright Mills]], ''The Sociological Imagination'' (1959).

==N==
* One should observe our scholars closely: they have reached the point where they think only “reactively,” i.e. they must read before they can think.
** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], ''The Will to Power'', § 916, cited in [[Walter Kaufmann]], ''Nietzsche'', p. 419

==P==

* [[w:David Halperin|Halperin's]] final essay, &quot;Why Is Diotima a Woman?&quot;, has inspired the title of my article. Here we have one of the great junk bonds of the fast-track academic era, whose unbridled greed for fame and power was intimately in sync with parallel developments on Wall Street. This is yuppie entrepreneurship at its height. It's scholarship skating on a gold credit card, sweeping up everything in its path and dropping it unsorted and uncomprehended in a heap in the boutique window. Its inner bonds too are junk: the logic is specious and its claims counterfeit. … Nothing is thought through or developed in a sensible, plausible way. All energy goes toward show, pretense, posing.
** [[Camille Paglia]], reviewing David Halperin’s ''One Hundred Years of Homosexuality'', “Junk Bonds and Corporate Raiders: Academe in the Hour of the Wolf,” ''Arion'', Third Series, Vol. 1, No. 2 (Spring, 1991), pp. 158-159

* Academe has become a [[multinational corporation]], and scholars have become businessmen, mobile merchants on the make.
** [[Camille Paglia]], “Junk Bonds and Corporate Raiders: Academe in the Hour of the Wolf,” ''Arion'', Third Series, Vol. 1, No. 2 (Spring, 1991), p. 172

* Today's academic leftists are strutting wannabes, timorous nerds who missed the Sixties while they were grade-grubbing in the library and brown-nosing the senior faculty. Their politics came to them late, secondhand, and special delivery via the Parisian import craze of the Seventies. These people have risen to the top not by challenging the system but by smoothly adapting themselves to it. They're company men, Rosencrantz and Guildensterns, privileged opportunists who rode the wave of fashion.
** [[Camille Paglia]], “Junk Bonds and Corporate Raiders: Academe in the Hour of the Wolf,” ''Arion'', Third Series, Vol. 1, No. 2 (Spring, 1991), pp. 176-177

* We know something about billionaire consumption, but it is hard to measure some of it. Some billionaires are consuming politicians, others consume reporters, and some consume academics.
** [[Thomas Piketty]], quoted in Chuck Coliins, [http://inequality.org/nitpicking-piketty/ Nit-Picking Piketty] (2015)
** At [http://events.mediasite.com/Mediasite/Play/b6d6725ea1df49c896fc82465f732e9b1d ASSA], 01:40:27

==R==
* Even though philosophers should be in a position to discover the truth, which of them would take any interest in it? Each one knows well that his system is not better founded than the others, but he supports it because it is his. There is not a single one of them who, if he came to know the true and the false, would not prefer the falsehood that he had found to the truth discovered by another. Where is the philosopher who would not willingly deceive mankind for his own glory? Where is he who in the secret of his heart does not propose to himself any other object than to distinguish himself? Provided that he lifts himself above the vulgar, provided that he outshines the brilliance of his competitors, what does he demand more? The essential thing is to think differently from others. With believers he is an atheist; with atheists he would be a believer.
** [[Jean-Jacques Rousseau]], ''[[w:Emile, or On Education|Émile, or On Education]]'', book 4

== S ==
* For the intellectual class, expertise has usually been a service rendered, and sold, to the central authority of society. This is the ''trahison des clercs'' of which [[Julien Benda]] spoke in the 1920s. Expertise in foreign affairs, for example, has usually meant the legitimization of the conduct of foreign policy.
** [[Edward Said]], ''The World, the Text, and the Critic'' (1983), p. 2

* The intellectual origins of literary theory in Europe were, I think it is accurate to say, insurrectionary. The traditional university, the hegemony of determinism and positivism, the reification of ideological bourgeois “humanism,” the rigid barriers between academic specialties: it was powerful responses to all these that linked together such influential progenitors of today’s literary theorist as Saussure, [[w:Ferdinand de Saussure|Saussure]], [[Lukács]], [[Georges Bataille|Bataille]], [[Claude Lévi-Strauss|Lévi-Strauss]], [[Sigmund Freud|Freud]], [[Nietzsche]], and [[Karl Marx|Marx]]. Theory proposed itself as a synthesis overriding the petty fiefdoms within the world of intellectual production, and it was manifestly to be hoped as a result that all the domains of human activity could be seen, and lived, as a unity. … Literary theory, whether of the Left or the Right, has turned its back on these things. This can be considered, I think, the triumph of the ethic of professionalism. But it is no accident that the emergence of so narrowly defined a philosophy of pure textuality and critical noninterference has coincided with the ascendancy of [[w:Ronald Reagan|Reaganism]].
** [[Edward Said]], ''The World, the Text, and the Critic'' (1983), pp. 3-4.

* Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, because the stakes are so low.
** [[w:Sayre's Law|Sayre's Law]], attributed to Wallace Stanley Sayre (1905-1972), political scientist at Columbia University; attributed to others with minor wording variations.&lt;ref name=&quot;Keyes Quote Verifier&quot;&gt;{{cite book | url=https://books.google.co.nz/books?id=d6JZryGvfxYC&amp;pg=PA1&amp;lpg=PA1#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false | title=The Quote Verifier: Who Said What, Where, and When | publisher=St. Martin's Press | author=Keyes, Ralph | authorlink=Ralph Keyes (author) | year=2007 | pages=1 | isbn=1-4299-0617-0}}&lt;/ref&gt;

==T==
* Academia is to knowledge what prostitution is to love.
** [[Nassim N. Taleb]], ''The Bed of Procrustes: Philosophical and Practical Aphorisms'' (2010), p. 4.

==W==
* What the learned world tends to offer is one second-hand scrap of information illustrating ideas derived from another second-hand scrap of information. The second-handedness of the learned world is the secret of its mediocrity.
** [[Alfred North Whitehead]], “Technical Education,” in ''The Aims of Education and Other Essays'' (1929), p. 61.

==X==
* When we see a woman bartering beauty for gold, we look upon such a one as no other than a common prostitute; but she who rewards the passion of some worthy youth with it, gains at the same time our approbation and esteem. It is the very same with philosophy: he who sets it forth for public sale, to be disposed of to the highest bidder, is a sophist, a public prostitute.
** [[Xenophon]], [[Socrates]] in ''Memorabilia'', 1.6.11, T. Stanley, trans., p. 535

* To offer one’s beauty for money to all comers is called prostitution. … So is it with wisdom. Those who offer it to all comers for money are known as sophists, prostitutors of wisdom.
** [[Xenophon]], [[Socrates]] in ''Memorabilia'', 1.6.11

== See also ==
* [[Academic careerism]]
* [[Education]]
* [[W:Free education|Free education]]
* [[Intellectuals]]
* [[Knowledge]]
* [[Learning]]
* [[Liberal education]]
* [[W:Open education|Open education]]
* [[W:Open educational resources|Open educational resources]]
* [[w:Right to education|Right to education]]
* [[Teachers]]
* [[Tuition]]
* [[Universities]]
*[[Wisdom]]

==External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
{{Wiktionary|academia}}

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      <text bytes="18406" xml:space="preserve">[[File:1911 Solvay conference.jpg|thumb|When we see a woman bartering beauty for gold, we look upon such a one as no other than a common prostitute; but she who rewards the passion of some worthy youth with it, gains at the same time our approbation and esteem. It is the very same with philosophy: he who sets it forth for public sale, to be disposed of to the highest bidder, is a sophist, a public prostitute. ~ [[Xenophon]]]]

[[File:Rousseau Geneve.JPG|thumb|There is not a single one of them who, if he came to know the true and the false, would not prefer the falsehood that he had found to the truth discovered by another. ~ [[Jean-Jacques Rousseau]]]]
'''[[w:Academia|Academia]]''' is the community of students and scholars engaged in [[higher education]] and [[research]].
__NOTOC__
{{TOCalpha}}
==A==
* Like every '[[intellectual]]', a philosophy teacher is a [[Bourgeoisie|petty bourgeois]]. When he opens his mouth, it is petty-bourgeois [[ideology]] that speaks: its resources and ruses are infinite. 
** [[Louis Althusser]], ''[[Vladimir Lenin|Lenin]] and Philosophy and Other Writings'' (1971), p. 2

==B==

* The university, in a society ruled by public opinion, was to have been an island of intellectual freedom where all views were investigated without restriction. … But by consenting to play an active or “positive,” a participatory role in society, the university has become inundated and saturated with the backflow of society’s “problems.” Preoccupied with questions of Health, Sex, Race, War, academics make their reputations and their fortunes. … Any proposed reforms of liberal education which might bring the university into conflict with the whole of the U.S.A. are unthinkable. Increasingly, the people “inside” are identical in their appetites and motives with the people “outside” the university.
** [[Saul Bellow]], ''Introduction to [[The Closing of the American Mind]]'' (New York: 1988), p. 18.

* The more rigorously criticism historicizes a work of art, in the sense of lodging it in the context of the moment of its production, the less likely it becomes for criticism to be able to explain either its own subsequent interest in the work or the possibility of lay—that is, nonacademic—interest in reading it.
** [[Russell Berman]], ''Fiction Sets You Free: Literature, Liberty and Western Culture'' (2007), pp. 5-6.

*ACADEME, n. An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught.&lt;br&gt;ACADEMY, n. [from ACADEME] A modern school where football is taught.
** [[Ambrose Bierce]], ''The Cynic's Dictionary'' (1906); republished as ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911).

* The academies and universities satisfied Socrates’ demand to be fed in the prytaneum.
** [[Allan Bloom]], “Commerce and Culture,” ''Giants and Dwarfs'' (1990), p. 289.

* In academia, … an art historian, on being stirred to tears by the tenderness and serenity he detects in a work by a fourteenth-century Florentine painter, may end up writing a monograph, as irreproachable as it is bloodless, on the history of paint manufacture in the age of Giotto. It seems easier to respond to our enthusiasms by trading in facts than by investigating the more naive question of how and why we have been moved.
** [[Alain de Botton]], ''The Pleasures and Sorrows of Work'' (2009), pp. 27-29.

* There are certain inferior or second-rate minds, who seem only fit to become the receptacle, register, or storehouse of all the productions of other talents; they are plagiarists, translators, compilers; they never think, but tell you what other authors have thought; and as a selection of thoughts requires some inventive powers, theirs is ill-made and inaccurate, which induces them rather to make it large than excellent. They have no originality, and possess nothing of their own; they only know what they have learned, and only learn what the rest of the world does not wish to know; a useless and dry science, without any charm or profit, unfit for conversation, nor suitable to intercourse, like a coin which has no currency. We are astonished when we read them, as well as tired out by their conversation or their works. The nobility and the common herd mistake them for men of learning, but intelligent men rank them with pedants.
** [[Jean de La Bruyère]], ''Characters'', H. Van Laun, trans. (London: 1885) “Of Works of the Mind,” #62.

==C==
[[File:Billets de 5000.jpg|thumb|In academia it’s common to get sanctions like “no more female grad students” or “no more undergraduate teaching” or “please work at home for now.” These are mild punishments at best, but departments are unsure what other options they have—and universities don’t make it easy to fire professors. The institutions know that perpetrators generally have more resources than victims and are more likely to sue if they are fired. It is a good [[financial]] decision, then, to do nothing about a perpetrator, even if they are guilty. ~ [[w:Kathryn B. H. Clancy|Kathryn B. H. Clancy]]]]

* What I admire in the ancient philosophers is their desire to make their lives conform to their writings, a trait which we notice in [[Plato]], [[Theophrastus]] and many others. Practical morality was so truly their philosophy’s essence that many, such as [[w:Xenocrates|Xenocrates]], Polemon, and [[w:Speusippus|Speusippus]], were placed at the head of schools although they had written nothing at all. [[Socrates]] was none the less the foremost philosopher of his age, although he had not composed a single book or studied any other science than ethics.
** [[Nicolas Chamfort]], ''Maxims and Considerations'', E. P. Mathers, trans. (1926), #448

* Why don’t we do anything when we know about the perpetrators in our midst? So far, consequences for scientist-harassers are few and far between. In academia it’s common to get sanctions like “no more female grad students” or “no more undergraduate teaching” or “please work at home for now.” These are mild punishments at best, but departments are unsure what other options they have—and universities don’t make it easy to fire professors. The institutions know that perpetrators generally have more resources than victims and are more likely to sue if they are fired. It is a good [[financial]] decision, then, to do nothing about a perpetrator, even if they are guilty. 
** [[w:Kathryn B. H. Clancy|Kathryn B. H. Clancy]], [https://www.nationalgeographic.com/magazine/2018/05/sexual-harassment-science-me-too-essay/ &quot;Have the Sciences Had a #MeToo Moment? Not So Much.&quot;], ''National Geographic'', (05/2018).

==D==

* From my childhood, I have been familiar with letters; and as I was given to believe that by their help a clear and certain knowledge of all that is useful in life might be acquired, I was ardently desirous of instruction. But as soon as I had finished the entire course of study, at the close of which it is customary to be admitted into the order of the learned, I completely changed my opinion. For I found myself involved in so many doubts and errors, that I was convinced I had advanced no farther in all my attempts at learning, than the discovery at every turn of my own ignorance. And yet I was studying in one of the most celebrated Schools in Europe, in which I thought there must be learned men, if such were anywhere to be found.
** [[René Descartes]], ''[[Discourse on Method]]'', J. Veitch, trans. (1899), p. 4.

* ''Homo academicus'' is a herd animal.
** [[w:William Desmond (philosopher)|William Desmond]] in Christopher Ben Simpson, [http://journal.radicalorthodoxy.org/index.php/ROTPP/article/viewFile/62/10 &quot;Between God and Metaphysics: An Interview with William Desmond&quot;], ''Radical Orthodoxy: Theology, Philosophy, Politics'', Vol. 1, Numbers 1 &amp; 2 (August 2012), p. 364.

==E==
* Numerous are the academic chairs, but rare are [[wise]] and [[noble]] [[teachers]]. Numerous and large are the lecture halls, but far from numerous the [[young]] men who genuinely thirst for [[truth]] and [[justice]]. Numerous are the wares that nature produces by the dozen, but her choice products are few.
** [[Albert Einstein]], “On Academic Freedom,” ''Ideas and Opinions'' (1954).

==J==

* Today's banalities apparently gain in profundity if one states that the wisdom of the past, for all its virtues, belongs to the past. The arrogance of those who come later preens itself with the notion that the past is dead and gone. ... The modern mind can no longer think thought, only can locate it in time and space. The activity of thinking decays to the passivity of classifying.
** [[Russell Jacoby]], ''Social Amnesia'' (1975), p. 1

* The application of planned obsolescence to thought itself has the same merit as its application to consumer goods; the new is not only shoddier than the old, it fuels an obsolete social system that staves off its replacement by manufacturing the illusion that it is perpetually new.
** [[Russell Jacoby]], ''Social Amnesia'' (1975), p. xvii

* [[Friedrich Nietzsche|Nietzsche’s]] ideas and plans: for example, the idea of giving up the whole wretched academic world to form a secular monastic community.
** [[Karl Jaspers]], ''[[Nietzsche]]'', C. Walraff and F. Schmitz, trans. (Baltimore: 1997).

==L==
* It is the capitalist class that pays you, that feeds you, that puts the very clothes on your backs that you are wearing tonight. And in return you preach to your employers the brands of metaphysics that are especially acceptable to them; and the especially acceptable brands are acceptable because they do not menace the established order of society. ... You are sincere. You preach what you believe. There lies your strength and your value&amp;mdash;to the capitalist class. But should you change your belief to something that menaces the established order, your preaching would be unacceptable to your employers, and you would be discharged. ... Your hands are soft with the work others have performed for you. Your stomachs are round with the plenitude of eating. ... And your minds are filled with doctrines that are buttresses of the established order. You are as much mercenaries (sincere mercenaries, I grant) as were the men of the [[w:Swiss Guards|Swiss Guard]]. 
** [[Jack London]], Ernest Everhard addressing a group of academics, in ''[[s:The Iron Heel|The Iron Heel]]'' (1908), Chapter 1

* When one of [[Ludwig Feuerbach|Feuerbach’s]] friends attempts to get him an academic position, Feuerbach writes to him: “The more people make of me, the less I am, and vice versa. I am … something only so long as I am nothing.”
** [[Karl Löwith]], ''From [[Hegel]] to [[Nietzsche]]'', D. Green, trans. (1964), pp. 68-69.

== M ==

* To overcome the academic prose you have first to overcome the academic pose.
** [[C. Wright Mills]], ''The Sociological Imagination'' (1959).

==N==
* One should observe our scholars closely: they have reached the point where they think only “reactively,” i.e. they must read before they can think.
** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], ''The Will to Power'', § 916, cited in [[Walter Kaufmann]], ''Nietzsche'', p. 419

==P==

* [[w:David Halperin|Halperin's]] final essay, &quot;Why Is Diotima a Woman?&quot;, has inspired the title of my article. Here we have one of the great junk bonds of the fast-track academic era, whose unbridled greed for fame and power was intimately in sync with parallel developments on Wall Street. This is yuppie entrepreneurship at its height. It's scholarship skating on a gold credit card, sweeping up everything in its path and dropping it unsorted and uncomprehended in a heap in the boutique window. Its inner bonds too are junk: the logic is specious and its claims counterfeit. … Nothing is thought through or developed in a sensible, plausible way. All energy goes toward show, pretense, posing.
** [[Camille Paglia]], reviewing David Halperin’s ''One Hundred Years of Homosexuality'', “Junk Bonds and Corporate Raiders: Academe in the Hour of the Wolf,” ''Arion'', Third Series, Vol. 1, No. 2 (Spring, 1991), pp. 158-159

* Academe has become a [[multinational corporation]], and scholars have become businessmen, mobile merchants on the make.
** [[Camille Paglia]], “Junk Bonds and Corporate Raiders: Academe in the Hour of the Wolf,” ''Arion'', Third Series, Vol. 1, No. 2 (Spring, 1991), p. 172

* Today's academic leftists are strutting wannabes, timorous nerds who missed the Sixties while they were grade-grubbing in the library and brown-nosing the senior faculty. Their politics came to them late, secondhand, and special delivery via the Parisian import craze of the Seventies. These people have risen to the top not by challenging the system but by smoothly adapting themselves to it. They're company men, Rosencrantz and Guildensterns, privileged opportunists who rode the wave of fashion.
** [[Camille Paglia]], “Junk Bonds and Corporate Raiders: Academe in the Hour of the Wolf,” ''Arion'', Third Series, Vol. 1, No. 2 (Spring, 1991), pp. 176-177

* We know something about billionaire consumption, but it is hard to measure some of it. Some billionaires are consuming politicians, others consume reporters, and some consume academics.
** [[Thomas Piketty]], quoted in Chuck Coliins, [http://inequality.org/nitpicking-piketty/ Nit-Picking Piketty] (2015)
** At [http://events.mediasite.com/Mediasite/Play/b6d6725ea1df49c896fc82465f732e9b1d ASSA], 01:40:27

==R==
* Even though philosophers should be in a position to discover the truth, which of them would take any interest in it? Each one knows well that his system is not better founded than the others, but he supports it because it is his. There is not a single one of them who, if he came to know the true and the false, would not prefer the falsehood that he had found to the truth discovered by another. Where is the philosopher who would not willingly deceive mankind for his own glory? Where is he who in the secret of his heart does not propose to himself any other object than to distinguish himself? Provided that he lifts himself above the vulgar, provided that he outshines the brilliance of his competitors, what does he demand more? The essential thing is to think differently from others. With believers he is an atheist; with atheists he would be a believer.
** [[Jean-Jacques Rousseau]], ''[[w:Emile, or On Education|Émile, or On Education]]'', book 4

== S ==
* For the intellectual class, expertise has usually been a service rendered, and sold, to the central authority of society. This is the ''trahison des clercs'' of which [[Julien Benda]] spoke in the 1920s. Expertise in foreign affairs, for example, has usually meant the legitimization of the conduct of foreign policy.
** [[Edward Said]], ''The World, the Text, and the Critic'' (1983), p. 2

* The intellectual origins of literary theory in Europe were, I think it is accurate to say, insurrectionary. The traditional university, the hegemony of determinism and positivism, the reification of ideological bourgeois “humanism,” the rigid barriers between academic specialties: it was powerful responses to all these that linked together such influential progenitors of today’s literary theorist as Saussure, [[w:Ferdinand de Saussure|Saussure]], [[Lukács]], [[Georges Bataille|Bataille]], [[Claude Lévi-Strauss|Lévi-Strauss]], [[Sigmund Freud|Freud]], [[Nietzsche]], and [[Karl Marx|Marx]]. Theory proposed itself as a synthesis overriding the petty fiefdoms within the world of intellectual production, and it was manifestly to be hoped as a result that all the domains of human activity could be seen, and lived, as a unity. … Literary theory, whether of the Left or the Right, has turned its back on these things. This can be considered, I think, the triumph of the ethic of professionalism. But it is no accident that the emergence of so narrowly defined a philosophy of pure textuality and critical noninterference has coincided with the ascendancy of [[w:Ronald Reagan|Reaganism]].
** [[Edward Said]], ''The World, the Text, and the Critic'' (1983), pp. 3-4.

* Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, because the stakes are so low.
** [[w:Sayre's Law|Sayre's Law]], attributed to Wallace Stanley Sayre (1905-1972), political scientist at Columbia University; attributed to others with minor wording variations.&lt;ref name=&quot;Keyes Quote Verifier&quot;&gt;{{cite book | url=https://books.google.co.nz/books?id=d6JZryGvfxYC&amp;pg=PA1&amp;lpg=PA1#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false | title=The Quote Verifier: Who Said What, Where, and When | publisher=St. Martin's Press | author=Keyes, Ralph | authorlink=Ralph Keyes (author) | year=2007 | pages=1 | isbn=1-4299-0617-0}}&lt;/ref&gt;

==T==
* Academia is to knowledge what prostitution is to love.
** [[Nassim N. Taleb]], ''The Bed of Procrustes: Philosophical and Practical Aphorisms'' (2010), p. 4.

==W==
* What the learned world tends to offer is one second-hand scrap of information illustrating ideas derived from another second-hand scrap of information. The second-handedness of the learned world is the secret of its mediocrity.
** [[Alfred North Whitehead]], “Technical Education,” in ''The Aims of Education and Other Essays'' (1929), p. 61.

==X==
* When we see a woman bartering beauty for gold, we look upon such a one as no other than a common prostitute; but she who rewards the passion of some worthy youth with it, gains at the same time our approbation and esteem. It is the very same with philosophy: he who sets it forth for public sale, to be disposed of to the highest bidder, is a sophist, a public prostitute.
** [[Xenophon]], [[Socrates]] in ''Memorabilia'', 1.6.11, T. Stanley, trans., p. 535

* To offer one’s beauty for money to all comers is called prostitution. … So is it with wisdom. Those who offer it to all comers for money are known as sophists, prostitutors of wisdom.
** [[Xenophon]], [[Socrates]] in ''Memorabilia'', 1.6.11

== See also ==
* [[Academic careerism]]
* [[Education]]
* [[W:Free education|Free education]]
* [[Intellectuals]]
* [[Knowledge]]
* [[Learning]]
* [[Liberal education]]
* [[W:Open education|Open education]]
* [[W:Open educational resources|Open educational resources]]
* [[w:Right to education|Right to education]]
* [[Teachers]]
* [[Tuition]]
* [[Universities]]
*[[Wisdom]]

==External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
{{Wiktionary|academia}}

[[Category:Education]]
[[Category:Society]]</text>
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      <text bytes="18558" xml:space="preserve">[[File:1911 Solvay conference.jpg|thumb|When we see a woman bartering beauty for gold, we look upon such a one as no other than a common prostitute; but she who rewards the passion of some worthy youth with it, gains at the same time our approbation and esteem. It is the very same with philosophy: he who sets it forth for public sale, to be disposed of to the highest bidder, is a sophist, a public prostitute. ~ [[Xenophon]]]]

[[File:Rousseau Geneve.JPG|thumb|There is not a single one of them who, if he came to know the true and the false, would not prefer the falsehood that he had found to the truth discovered by another. ~ [[Jean-Jacques Rousseau]]]]

'''[[w:Academia|Academia]]''' (derives from Ancient Greek Ἀκαδημία) is the community of students and scholars engaged in [[higher education]] and [[research]]. Academia is the part of society, especially universities, that is connected with studying and thinking.
__NOTOC__
{{TOCalpha}}
==A==
* Like every '[[intellectual]]', a philosophy teacher is a [[Bourgeoisie|petty bourgeois]]. When he opens his mouth, it is petty-bourgeois [[ideology]] that speaks: its resources and ruses are infinite. 
** [[Louis Althusser]], ''[[Vladimir Lenin|Lenin]] and Philosophy and Other Writings'' (1971), p. 2

==B==

* The university, in a society ruled by public opinion, was to have been an island of intellectual freedom where all views were investigated without restriction. … But by consenting to play an active or “positive,” a participatory role in society, the university has become inundated and saturated with the backflow of society’s “problems.” Preoccupied with questions of Health, Sex, Race, War, academics make their reputations and their fortunes. … Any proposed reforms of liberal education which might bring the university into conflict with the whole of the U.S.A. are unthinkable. Increasingly, the people “inside” are identical in their appetites and motives with the people “outside” the university.
** [[Saul Bellow]], ''Introduction to [[The Closing of the American Mind]]'' (New York: 1988), p. 18.

* The more rigorously criticism historicizes a work of art, in the sense of lodging it in the context of the moment of its production, the less likely it becomes for criticism to be able to explain either its own subsequent interest in the work or the possibility of lay—that is, nonacademic—interest in reading it.
** [[Russell Berman]], ''Fiction Sets You Free: Literature, Liberty and Western Culture'' (2007), pp. 5-6.

*ACADEME, n. An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught.&lt;br&gt;ACADEMY, n. [from ACADEME] A modern school where football is taught.
** [[Ambrose Bierce]], ''The Cynic's Dictionary'' (1906); republished as ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911).

* The academies and universities satisfied Socrates’ demand to be fed in the prytaneum.
** [[Allan Bloom]], “Commerce and Culture,” ''Giants and Dwarfs'' (1990), p. 289.

* In academia, … an art historian, on being stirred to tears by the tenderness and serenity he detects in a work by a fourteenth-century Florentine painter, may end up writing a monograph, as irreproachable as it is bloodless, on the history of paint manufacture in the age of Giotto. It seems easier to respond to our enthusiasms by trading in facts than by investigating the more naive question of how and why we have been moved.
** [[Alain de Botton]], ''The Pleasures and Sorrows of Work'' (2009), pp. 27-29.

* There are certain inferior or second-rate minds, who seem only fit to become the receptacle, register, or storehouse of all the productions of other talents; they are plagiarists, translators, compilers; they never think, but tell you what other authors have thought; and as a selection of thoughts requires some inventive powers, theirs is ill-made and inaccurate, which induces them rather to make it large than excellent. They have no originality, and possess nothing of their own; they only know what they have learned, and only learn what the rest of the world does not wish to know; a useless and dry science, without any charm or profit, unfit for conversation, nor suitable to intercourse, like a coin which has no currency. We are astonished when we read them, as well as tired out by their conversation or their works. The nobility and the common herd mistake them for men of learning, but intelligent men rank them with pedants.
** [[Jean de La Bruyère]], ''Characters'', H. Van Laun, trans. (London: 1885) “Of Works of the Mind,” #62.

==C==
[[File:Billets de 5000.jpg|thumb|In academia it’s common to get sanctions like “no more female grad students” or “no more undergraduate teaching” or “please work at home for now.” These are mild punishments at best, but departments are unsure what other options they have—and universities don’t make it easy to fire professors. The institutions know that perpetrators generally have more resources than victims and are more likely to sue if they are fired. It is a good [[financial]] decision, then, to do nothing about a perpetrator, even if they are guilty. ~ [[w:Kathryn B. H. Clancy|Kathryn B. H. Clancy]]]]

* What I admire in the ancient philosophers is their desire to make their lives conform to their writings, a trait which we notice in [[Plato]], [[Theophrastus]] and many others. Practical morality was so truly their philosophy’s essence that many, such as [[w:Xenocrates|Xenocrates]], Polemon, and [[w:Speusippus|Speusippus]], were placed at the head of schools although they had written nothing at all. [[Socrates]] was none the less the foremost philosopher of his age, although he had not composed a single book or studied any other science than ethics.
** [[Nicolas Chamfort]], ''Maxims and Considerations'', E. P. Mathers, trans. (1926), #448

* Why don’t we do anything when we know about the perpetrators in our midst? So far, consequences for scientist-harassers are few and far between. In academia it’s common to get sanctions like “no more female grad students” or “no more undergraduate teaching” or “please work at home for now.” These are mild punishments at best, but departments are unsure what other options they have—and universities don’t make it easy to fire professors. The institutions know that perpetrators generally have more resources than victims and are more likely to sue if they are fired. It is a good [[financial]] decision, then, to do nothing about a perpetrator, even if they are guilty. 
** [[w:Kathryn B. H. Clancy|Kathryn B. H. Clancy]], [https://www.nationalgeographic.com/magazine/2018/05/sexual-harassment-science-me-too-essay/ &quot;Have the Sciences Had a #MeToo Moment? Not So Much.&quot;], ''National Geographic'', (05/2018).

==D==

* From my childhood, I have been familiar with letters; and as I was given to believe that by their help a clear and certain knowledge of all that is useful in life might be acquired, I was ardently desirous of instruction. But as soon as I had finished the entire course of study, at the close of which it is customary to be admitted into the order of the learned, I completely changed my opinion. For I found myself involved in so many doubts and errors, that I was convinced I had advanced no farther in all my attempts at learning, than the discovery at every turn of my own ignorance. And yet I was studying in one of the most celebrated Schools in Europe, in which I thought there must be learned men, if such were anywhere to be found.
** [[René Descartes]], ''[[Discourse on Method]]'', J. Veitch, trans. (1899), p. 4.

* ''Homo academicus'' is a herd animal.
** [[w:William Desmond (philosopher)|William Desmond]] in Christopher Ben Simpson, [http://journal.radicalorthodoxy.org/index.php/ROTPP/article/viewFile/62/10 &quot;Between God and Metaphysics: An Interview with William Desmond&quot;], ''Radical Orthodoxy: Theology, Philosophy, Politics'', Vol. 1, Numbers 1 &amp; 2 (August 2012), p. 364.

==E==
* Numerous are the academic chairs, but rare are [[wise]] and [[noble]] [[teachers]]. Numerous and large are the lecture halls, but far from numerous the [[young]] men who genuinely thirst for [[truth]] and [[justice]]. Numerous are the wares that nature produces by the dozen, but her choice products are few.
** [[Albert Einstein]], “On Academic Freedom,” ''Ideas and Opinions'' (1954).

==J==

* Today's banalities apparently gain in profundity if one states that the wisdom of the past, for all its virtues, belongs to the past. The arrogance of those who come later preens itself with the notion that the past is dead and gone. ... The modern mind can no longer think thought, only can locate it in time and space. The activity of thinking decays to the passivity of classifying.
** [[Russell Jacoby]], ''Social Amnesia'' (1975), p. 1

* The application of planned obsolescence to thought itself has the same merit as its application to consumer goods; the new is not only shoddier than the old, it fuels an obsolete social system that staves off its replacement by manufacturing the illusion that it is perpetually new.
** [[Russell Jacoby]], ''Social Amnesia'' (1975), p. xvii

* [[Friedrich Nietzsche|Nietzsche’s]] ideas and plans: for example, the idea of giving up the whole wretched academic world to form a secular monastic community.
** [[Karl Jaspers]], ''[[Nietzsche]]'', C. Walraff and F. Schmitz, trans. (Baltimore: 1997).

==L==
* It is the capitalist class that pays you, that feeds you, that puts the very clothes on your backs that you are wearing tonight. And in return you preach to your employers the brands of metaphysics that are especially acceptable to them; and the especially acceptable brands are acceptable because they do not menace the established order of society. ... You are sincere. You preach what you believe. There lies your strength and your value&amp;mdash;to the capitalist class. But should you change your belief to something that menaces the established order, your preaching would be unacceptable to your employers, and you would be discharged. ... Your hands are soft with the work others have performed for you. Your stomachs are round with the plenitude of eating. ... And your minds are filled with doctrines that are buttresses of the established order. You are as much mercenaries (sincere mercenaries, I grant) as were the men of the [[w:Swiss Guards|Swiss Guard]]. 
** [[Jack London]], Ernest Everhard addressing a group of academics, in ''[[s:The Iron Heel|The Iron Heel]]'' (1908), Chapter 1

* When one of [[Ludwig Feuerbach|Feuerbach’s]] friends attempts to get him an academic position, Feuerbach writes to him: “The more people make of me, the less I am, and vice versa. I am … something only so long as I am nothing.”
** [[Karl Löwith]], ''From [[Hegel]] to [[Nietzsche]]'', D. Green, trans. (1964), pp. 68-69.

== M ==

* To overcome the academic prose you have first to overcome the academic pose.
** [[C. Wright Mills]], ''The Sociological Imagination'' (1959).

==N==
* One should observe our scholars closely: they have reached the point where they think only “reactively,” i.e. they must read before they can think.
** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], ''The Will to Power'', § 916, cited in [[Walter Kaufmann]], ''Nietzsche'', p. 419

==P==

* [[w:David Halperin|Halperin's]] final essay, &quot;Why Is Diotima a Woman?&quot;, has inspired the title of my article. Here we have one of the great junk bonds of the fast-track academic era, whose unbridled greed for fame and power was intimately in sync with parallel developments on Wall Street. This is yuppie entrepreneurship at its height. It's scholarship skating on a gold credit card, sweeping up everything in its path and dropping it unsorted and uncomprehended in a heap in the boutique window. Its inner bonds too are junk: the logic is specious and its claims counterfeit. … Nothing is thought through or developed in a sensible, plausible way. All energy goes toward show, pretense, posing.
** [[Camille Paglia]], reviewing David Halperin’s ''One Hundred Years of Homosexuality'', “Junk Bonds and Corporate Raiders: Academe in the Hour of the Wolf,” ''Arion'', Third Series, Vol. 1, No. 2 (Spring, 1991), pp. 158-159

* Academe has become a [[multinational corporation]], and scholars have become businessmen, mobile merchants on the make.
** [[Camille Paglia]], “Junk Bonds and Corporate Raiders: Academe in the Hour of the Wolf,” ''Arion'', Third Series, Vol. 1, No. 2 (Spring, 1991), p. 172

* Today's academic leftists are strutting wannabes, timorous nerds who missed the Sixties while they were grade-grubbing in the library and brown-nosing the senior faculty. Their politics came to them late, secondhand, and special delivery via the Parisian import craze of the Seventies. These people have risen to the top not by challenging the system but by smoothly adapting themselves to it. They're company men, Rosencrantz and Guildensterns, privileged opportunists who rode the wave of fashion.
** [[Camille Paglia]], “Junk Bonds and Corporate Raiders: Academe in the Hour of the Wolf,” ''Arion'', Third Series, Vol. 1, No. 2 (Spring, 1991), pp. 176-177

* We know something about billionaire consumption, but it is hard to measure some of it. Some billionaires are consuming politicians, others consume reporters, and some consume academics.
** [[Thomas Piketty]], quoted in Chuck Coliins, [http://inequality.org/nitpicking-piketty/ Nit-Picking Piketty] (2015)
** At [http://events.mediasite.com/Mediasite/Play/b6d6725ea1df49c896fc82465f732e9b1d ASSA], 01:40:27

==R==
* Even though philosophers should be in a position to discover the truth, which of them would take any interest in it? Each one knows well that his system is not better founded than the others, but he supports it because it is his. There is not a single one of them who, if he came to know the true and the false, would not prefer the falsehood that he had found to the truth discovered by another. Where is the philosopher who would not willingly deceive mankind for his own glory? Where is he who in the secret of his heart does not propose to himself any other object than to distinguish himself? Provided that he lifts himself above the vulgar, provided that he outshines the brilliance of his competitors, what does he demand more? The essential thing is to think differently from others. With believers he is an atheist; with atheists he would be a believer.
** [[Jean-Jacques Rousseau]], ''[[w:Emile, or On Education|Émile, or On Education]]'', book 4

== S ==
* For the intellectual class, expertise has usually been a service rendered, and sold, to the central authority of society. This is the ''trahison des clercs'' of which [[Julien Benda]] spoke in the 1920s. Expertise in foreign affairs, for example, has usually meant the legitimization of the conduct of foreign policy.
** [[Edward Said]], ''The World, the Text, and the Critic'' (1983), p. 2

* The intellectual origins of literary theory in Europe were, I think it is accurate to say, insurrectionary. The traditional university, the hegemony of determinism and positivism, the reification of ideological bourgeois “humanism,” the rigid barriers between academic specialties: it was powerful responses to all these that linked together such influential progenitors of today’s literary theorist as Saussure, [[w:Ferdinand de Saussure|Saussure]], [[Lukács]], [[Georges Bataille|Bataille]], [[Claude Lévi-Strauss|Lévi-Strauss]], [[Sigmund Freud|Freud]], [[Nietzsche]], and [[Karl Marx|Marx]]. Theory proposed itself as a synthesis overriding the petty fiefdoms within the world of intellectual production, and it was manifestly to be hoped as a result that all the domains of human activity could be seen, and lived, as a unity. … Literary theory, whether of the Left or the Right, has turned its back on these things. This can be considered, I think, the triumph of the ethic of professionalism. But it is no accident that the emergence of so narrowly defined a philosophy of pure textuality and critical noninterference has coincided with the ascendancy of [[w:Ronald Reagan|Reaganism]].
** [[Edward Said]], ''The World, the Text, and the Critic'' (1983), pp. 3-4.

* Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, because the stakes are so low.
** [[w:Sayre's Law|Sayre's Law]], attributed to Wallace Stanley Sayre (1905-1972), political scientist at Columbia University; attributed to others with minor wording variations.&lt;ref name=&quot;Keyes Quote Verifier&quot;&gt;{{cite book | url=https://books.google.co.nz/books?id=d6JZryGvfxYC&amp;pg=PA1&amp;lpg=PA1#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false | title=The Quote Verifier: Who Said What, Where, and When | publisher=St. Martin's Press | author=Keyes, Ralph | authorlink=Ralph Keyes (author) | year=2007 | pages=1 | isbn=1-4299-0617-0}}&lt;/ref&gt;

==T==
* Academia is to knowledge what prostitution is to love.
** [[Nassim N. Taleb]], ''The Bed of Procrustes: Philosophical and Practical Aphorisms'' (2010), p. 4.

==W==
* What the learned world tends to offer is one second-hand scrap of information illustrating ideas derived from another second-hand scrap of information. The second-handedness of the learned world is the secret of its mediocrity.
** [[Alfred North Whitehead]], “Technical Education,” in ''The Aims of Education and Other Essays'' (1929), p. 61.

==X==
* When we see a woman bartering beauty for gold, we look upon such a one as no other than a common prostitute; but she who rewards the passion of some worthy youth with it, gains at the same time our approbation and esteem. It is the very same with philosophy: he who sets it forth for public sale, to be disposed of to the highest bidder, is a sophist, a public prostitute.
** [[Xenophon]], [[Socrates]] in ''Memorabilia'', 1.6.11, T. Stanley, trans., p. 535

* To offer one’s beauty for money to all comers is called prostitution. … So is it with wisdom. Those who offer it to all comers for money are known as sophists, prostitutors of wisdom.
** [[Xenophon]], [[Socrates]] in ''Memorabilia'', 1.6.11

== See also ==
* [[Academic careerism]]
* [[Education]]
* [[W:Free education|Free education]]
* [[Intellectuals]]
* [[Knowledge]]
* [[Learning]]
* [[Liberal education]]
* [[W:Open education|Open education]]
* [[W:Open educational resources|Open educational resources]]
* [[w:Right to education|Right to education]]
* [[Teachers]]
* [[Tuition]]
* [[Universities]]
*[[Wisdom]]

==External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
{{Wiktionary|academia}}

[[Category:Education]]
[[Category:Society]]</text>
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[[File:Rousseau Geneve.JPG|thumb|There is not a single one of them who, if he came to know the true and the false, would not prefer the falsehood that he had found to the truth discovered by another. ~ [[Jean-Jacques Rousseau]]]]

'''[[w:Academia|Academia]]''' (derives from Ancient Greek Ἀκαδημία) is the community of students and scholars engaged in [[higher education]] and [[research]]. Academia is the part of society, especially universities, that is connected with studying and thinking.
__NOTOC__
{{TOCalpha}}
==A==

* Like every '[[intellectual]]', a philosophy teacher is a [[Bourgeoisie|petty bourgeois]]. When he opens his mouth, it is petty-bourgeois [[ideology]] that speaks: its resources and ruses are infinite. 
** [[Louis Althusser]], ''[[Vladimir Lenin|Lenin]] and Philosophy and Other Writings'' (1971), p. 2

==B==

* The university, in a society ruled by public opinion, was to have been an island of intellectual freedom where all views were investigated without restriction. … But by consenting to play an active or “positive,” a participatory role in society, the university has become inundated and saturated with the backflow of society’s “problems.” Preoccupied with questions of Health, Sex, Race, War, academics make their reputations and their fortunes. … Any proposed reforms of liberal education which might bring the university into conflict with the whole of the U.S.A. are unthinkable. Increasingly, the people “inside” are identical in their appetites and motives with the people “outside” the university.
** [[Saul Bellow]], ''Introduction to [[The Closing of the American Mind]]'' (New York: 1988), p. 18.

* The more rigorously criticism historicizes a work of art, in the sense of lodging it in the context of the moment of its production, the less likely it becomes for criticism to be able to explain either its own subsequent interest in the work or the possibility of lay—that is, nonacademic—interest in reading it.
** [[Russell Berman]], ''Fiction Sets You Free: Literature, Liberty and Western Culture'' (2007), pp. 5-6.

*ACADEME, n. An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught.&lt;br&gt;ACADEMY, n. [from ACADEME] A modern school where football is taught.
** [[Ambrose Bierce]], ''The Cynic's Dictionary'' (1906); republished as ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911).

* The academies and universities satisfied Socrates’ demand to be fed in the prytaneum.
** [[Allan Bloom]], “Commerce and Culture,” ''Giants and Dwarfs'' (1990), p. 289.

* In academia, … an art historian, on being stirred to tears by the tenderness and serenity he detects in a work by a fourteenth-century Florentine painter, may end up writing a monograph, as irreproachable as it is bloodless, on the history of paint manufacture in the age of Giotto. It seems easier to respond to our enthusiasms by trading in facts than by investigating the more naive question of how and why we have been moved.
** [[Alain de Botton]], ''The Pleasures and Sorrows of Work'' (2009), pp. 27-29.

* There are certain inferior or second-rate minds, who seem only fit to become the receptacle, register, or storehouse of all the productions of other talents; they are plagiarists, translators, compilers; they never think, but tell you what other authors have thought; and as a selection of thoughts requires some inventive powers, theirs is ill-made and inaccurate, which induces them rather to make it large than excellent. They have no originality, and possess nothing of their own; they only know what they have learned, and only learn what the rest of the world does not wish to know; a useless and dry science, without any charm or profit, unfit for conversation, nor suitable to intercourse, like a coin which has no currency. We are astonished when we read them, as well as tired out by their conversation or their works. The nobility and the common herd mistake them for men of learning, but intelligent men rank them with pedants.
** [[Jean de La Bruyère]], ''Characters'', H. Van Laun, trans. (London: 1885) “Of Works of the Mind,” #62.

==C==
[[File:Billets de 5000.jpg|thumb|In academia it’s common to get sanctions like “no more female grad students” or “no more undergraduate teaching” or “please work at home for now.” These are mild punishments at best, but departments are unsure what other options they have—and universities don’t make it easy to fire professors. The institutions know that perpetrators generally have more resources than victims and are more likely to sue if they are fired. It is a good [[financial]] decision, then, to do nothing about a perpetrator, even if they are guilty. ~ [[w:Kathryn B. H. Clancy|Kathryn B. H. Clancy]]]]

* What I admire in the ancient philosophers is their desire to make their lives conform to their writings, a trait which we notice in [[Plato]], [[Theophrastus]] and many others. Practical morality was so truly their philosophy’s essence that many, such as [[w:Xenocrates|Xenocrates]], Polemon, and [[w:Speusippus|Speusippus]], were placed at the head of schools although they had written nothing at all. [[Socrates]] was none the less the foremost philosopher of his age, although he had not composed a single book or studied any other science than ethics.
** [[Nicolas Chamfort]], ''Maxims and Considerations'', E. P. Mathers, trans. (1926), #448

* Why don’t we do anything when we know about the perpetrators in our midst? So far, consequences for scientist-harassers are few and far between. In academia it’s common to get sanctions like “no more female grad students” or “no more undergraduate teaching” or “please work at home for now.” These are mild punishments at best, but departments are unsure what other options they have—and universities don’t make it easy to fire professors. The institutions know that perpetrators generally have more resources than victims and are more likely to sue if they are fired. It is a good [[financial]] decision, then, to do nothing about a perpetrator, even if they are guilty. 
** [[w:Kathryn B. H. Clancy|Kathryn B. H. Clancy]], [https://www.nationalgeographic.com/magazine/2018/05/sexual-harassment-science-me-too-essay/ &quot;Have the Sciences Had a #MeToo Moment? Not So Much.&quot;], ''National Geographic'', (05/2018).

==D==

* From my childhood, I have been familiar with letters; and as I was given to believe that by their help a clear and certain knowledge of all that is useful in life might be acquired, I was ardently desirous of instruction. But as soon as I had finished the entire course of study, at the close of which it is customary to be admitted into the order of the learned, I completely changed my opinion. For I found myself involved in so many doubts and errors, that I was convinced I had advanced no farther in all my attempts at learning, than the discovery at every turn of my own ignorance. And yet I was studying in one of the most celebrated Schools in Europe, in which I thought there must be learned men, if such were anywhere to be found.
** [[René Descartes]], ''[[Discourse on Method]]'', J. Veitch, trans. (1899), p. 4.

* ''Homo academicus'' is a herd animal.
** [[w:William Desmond (philosopher)|William Desmond]] in Christopher Ben Simpson, [http://journal.radicalorthodoxy.org/index.php/ROTPP/article/viewFile/62/10 &quot;Between God and Metaphysics: An Interview with William Desmond&quot;], ''Radical Orthodoxy: Theology, Philosophy, Politics'', Vol. 1, Numbers 1 &amp; 2 (August 2012), p. 364.

==E==
* Numerous are the academic chairs, but rare are [[wise]] and [[noble]] [[teachers]]. Numerous and large are the lecture halls, but far from numerous the [[young]] men who genuinely thirst for [[truth]] and [[justice]]. Numerous are the wares that nature produces by the dozen, but her choice products are few.
** [[Albert Einstein]], “On Academic Freedom,” ''Ideas and Opinions'' (1954).

==J==

* Today's banalities apparently gain in profundity if one states that the wisdom of the past, for all its virtues, belongs to the past. The arrogance of those who come later preens itself with the notion that the past is dead and gone. ... The modern mind can no longer think thought, only can locate it in time and space. The activity of thinking decays to the passivity of classifying.
** [[Russell Jacoby]], ''Social Amnesia'' (1975), p. 1

* The application of planned obsolescence to thought itself has the same merit as its application to consumer goods; the new is not only shoddier than the old, it fuels an obsolete social system that staves off its replacement by manufacturing the illusion that it is perpetually new.
** [[Russell Jacoby]], ''Social Amnesia'' (1975), p. xvii

* [[Friedrich Nietzsche|Nietzsche’s]] ideas and plans: for example, the idea of giving up the whole wretched academic world to form a secular monastic community.
** [[Karl Jaspers]], ''[[Nietzsche]]'', C. Walraff and F. Schmitz, trans. (Baltimore: 1997).

==L==
* It is the capitalist class that pays you, that feeds you, that puts the very clothes on your backs that you are wearing tonight. And in return you preach to your employers the brands of metaphysics that are especially acceptable to them; and the especially acceptable brands are acceptable because they do not menace the established order of society. ... You are sincere. You preach what you believe. There lies your strength and your value&amp;mdash;to the capitalist class. But should you change your belief to something that menaces the established order, your preaching would be unacceptable to your employers, and you would be discharged. ... Your hands are soft with the work others have performed for you. Your stomachs are round with the plenitude of eating. ... And your minds are filled with doctrines that are buttresses of the established order. You are as much mercenaries (sincere mercenaries, I grant) as were the men of the [[w:Swiss Guards|Swiss Guard]]. 
** [[Jack London]], Ernest Everhard addressing a group of academics, in ''[[s:The Iron Heel|The Iron Heel]]'' (1908), Chapter 1

* When one of [[Ludwig Feuerbach|Feuerbach’s]] friends attempts to get him an academic position, Feuerbach writes to him: “The more people make of me, the less I am, and vice versa. I am … something only so long as I am nothing.”
** [[Karl Löwith]], ''From [[Hegel]] to [[Nietzsche]]'', D. Green, trans. (1964), pp. 68-69.

== M ==

* To overcome the academic prose you have first to overcome the academic pose.
** [[C. Wright Mills]], ''The Sociological Imagination'' (1959).

==N==
* One should observe our scholars closely: they have reached the point where they think only “reactively,” i.e. they must read before they can think.
** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], ''The Will to Power'', § 916, cited in [[Walter Kaufmann]], ''Nietzsche'', p. 419

==P==

* [[w:David Halperin|Halperin's]] final essay, &quot;Why Is Diotima a Woman?&quot;, has inspired the title of my article. Here we have one of the great junk bonds of the fast-track academic era, whose unbridled greed for fame and power was intimately in sync with parallel developments on Wall Street. This is yuppie entrepreneurship at its height. It's scholarship skating on a gold credit card, sweeping up everything in its path and dropping it unsorted and uncomprehended in a heap in the boutique window. Its inner bonds too are junk: the logic is specious and its claims counterfeit. … Nothing is thought through or developed in a sensible, plausible way. All energy goes toward show, pretense, posing.
** [[Camille Paglia]], reviewing David Halperin’s ''One Hundred Years of Homosexuality'', “Junk Bonds and Corporate Raiders: Academe in the Hour of the Wolf,” ''Arion'', Third Series, Vol. 1, No. 2 (Spring, 1991), pp. 158-159

* Academe has become a [[multinational corporation]], and scholars have become businessmen, mobile merchants on the make.
** [[Camille Paglia]], “Junk Bonds and Corporate Raiders: Academe in the Hour of the Wolf,” ''Arion'', Third Series, Vol. 1, No. 2 (Spring, 1991), p. 172

* Today's academic leftists are strutting wannabes, timorous nerds who missed the Sixties while they were grade-grubbing in the library and brown-nosing the senior faculty. Their politics came to them late, secondhand, and special delivery via the Parisian import craze of the Seventies. These people have risen to the top not by challenging the system but by smoothly adapting themselves to it. They're company men, Rosencrantz and Guildensterns, privileged opportunists who rode the wave of fashion.
** [[Camille Paglia]], “Junk Bonds and Corporate Raiders: Academe in the Hour of the Wolf,” ''Arion'', Third Series, Vol. 1, No. 2 (Spring, 1991), pp. 176-177

* We know something about billionaire consumption, but it is hard to measure some of it. Some billionaires are consuming politicians, others consume reporters, and some consume academics.
** [[Thomas Piketty]], quoted in Chuck Coliins, [http://inequality.org/nitpicking-piketty/ Nit-Picking Piketty] (2015)
** At [http://events.mediasite.com/Mediasite/Play/b6d6725ea1df49c896fc82465f732e9b1d ASSA], 01:40:27

==R==
* Even though philosophers should be in a position to discover the truth, which of them would take any interest in it? Each one knows well that his system is not better founded than the others, but he supports it because it is his. There is not a single one of them who, if he came to know the true and the false, would not prefer the falsehood that he had found to the truth discovered by another. Where is the philosopher who would not willingly deceive mankind for his own glory? Where is he who in the secret of his heart does not propose to himself any other object than to distinguish himself? Provided that he lifts himself above the vulgar, provided that he outshines the brilliance of his competitors, what does he demand more? The essential thing is to think differently from others. With believers he is an atheist; with atheists he would be a believer.
** [[Jean-Jacques Rousseau]], ''[[w:Emile, or On Education|Émile, or On Education]]'', book 4

== S ==
* For the intellectual class, expertise has usually been a service rendered, and sold, to the central authority of society. This is the ''trahison des clercs'' of which [[Julien Benda]] spoke in the 1920s. Expertise in foreign affairs, for example, has usually meant the legitimization of the conduct of foreign policy.
** [[Edward Said]], ''The World, the Text, and the Critic'' (1983), p. 2

* The intellectual origins of literary theory in Europe were, I think it is accurate to say, insurrectionary. The traditional university, the hegemony of determinism and positivism, the reification of ideological bourgeois “humanism,” the rigid barriers between academic specialties: it was powerful responses to all these that linked together such influential progenitors of today’s literary theorist as Saussure, [[w:Ferdinand de Saussure|Saussure]], [[Lukács]], [[Georges Bataille|Bataille]], [[Claude Lévi-Strauss|Lévi-Strauss]], [[Sigmund Freud|Freud]], [[Nietzsche]], and [[Karl Marx|Marx]]. Theory proposed itself as a synthesis overriding the petty fiefdoms within the world of intellectual production, and it was manifestly to be hoped as a result that all the domains of human activity could be seen, and lived, as a unity. … Literary theory, whether of the Left or the Right, has turned its back on these things. This can be considered, I think, the triumph of the ethic of professionalism. But it is no accident that the emergence of so narrowly defined a philosophy of pure textuality and critical noninterference has coincided with the ascendancy of [[w:Ronald Reagan|Reaganism]].
** [[Edward Said]], ''The World, the Text, and the Critic'' (1983), pp. 3-4.

* Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, because the stakes are so low.
** [[w:Sayre's Law|Sayre's Law]], attributed to Wallace Stanley Sayre (1905-1972), political scientist at Columbia University; attributed to others with minor wording variations.&lt;ref name=&quot;Keyes Quote Verifier&quot;&gt;{{cite book | url=https://books.google.co.nz/books?id=d6JZryGvfxYC&amp;pg=PA1&amp;lpg=PA1#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false | title=The Quote Verifier: Who Said What, Where, and When | publisher=St. Martin's Press | author=Keyes, Ralph | authorlink=Ralph Keyes (author) | year=2007 | pages=1 | isbn=1-4299-0617-0}}&lt;/ref&gt;

==T==
* Academia is to knowledge what prostitution is to love.
** [[Nassim N. Taleb]], ''The Bed of Procrustes: Philosophical and Practical Aphorisms'' (2010), p. 4.

==W==
* What the learned world tends to offer is one second-hand scrap of information illustrating ideas derived from another second-hand scrap of information. The second-handedness of the learned world is the secret of its mediocrity.
** [[Alfred North Whitehead]], “Technical Education,” in ''The Aims of Education and Other Essays'' (1929), p. 61.

==X==
* When we see a woman bartering beauty for gold, we look upon such a one as no other than a common prostitute; but she who rewards the passion of some worthy youth with it, gains at the same time our approbation and esteem. It is the very same with philosophy: he who sets it forth for public sale, to be disposed of to the highest bidder, is a sophist, a public prostitute.
** [[Xenophon]], [[Socrates]] in ''Memorabilia'', 1.6.11, T. Stanley, trans., p. 535

* To offer one’s beauty for money to all comers is called prostitution. … So is it with wisdom. Those who offer it to all comers for money are known as sophists, prostitutors of wisdom.
** [[Xenophon]], [[Socrates]] in ''Memorabilia'', 1.6.11

== See also ==
* [[Academic careerism]]
* [[Education]]
* [[W:Free education|Free education]]
* [[Intellectuals]]
* [[Knowledge]]
* [[Learning]]
* [[Liberal education]]
* [[W:Open education|Open education]]
* [[W:Open educational resources|Open educational resources]]
* [[w:Right to education|Right to education]]
* [[Teachers]]
* [[Tuition]]
* [[Universities]]
*[[Wisdom]]

==External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
{{Wiktionary|academia}}

[[Category:Education]]
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      <text bytes="18406" xml:space="preserve">[[File:1911 Solvay conference.jpg|thumb|When we see a woman bartering beauty for gold, we look upon such a one as no other than a common prostitute; but she who rewards the passion of some worthy youth with it, gains at the same time our approbation and esteem. It is the very same with philosophy: he who sets it forth for public sale, to be disposed of to the highest bidder, is a sophist, a public prostitute. ~ [[Xenophon]]]]

[[File:Rousseau Geneve.JPG|thumb|There is not a single one of them who, if he came to know the true and the false, would not prefer the falsehood that he had found to the truth discovered by another. ~ [[Jean-Jacques Rousseau]]]]
'''[[w:Academia|Academia]]''' is the community of students and scholars engaged in [[higher education]] and [[research]].
__NOTOC__
{{TOCalpha}}
==A==
* Like every '[[intellectual]]', a philosophy teacher is a [[Bourgeoisie|petty bourgeois]]. When he opens his mouth, it is petty-bourgeois [[ideology]] that speaks: its resources and ruses are infinite. 
** [[Louis Althusser]], ''[[Vladimir Lenin|Lenin]] and Philosophy and Other Writings'' (1971), p. 2

==B==

* The university, in a society ruled by public opinion, was to have been an island of intellectual freedom where all views were investigated without restriction. … But by consenting to play an active or “positive,” a participatory role in society, the university has become inundated and saturated with the backflow of society’s “problems.” Preoccupied with questions of Health, Sex, Race, War, academics make their reputations and their fortunes. … Any proposed reforms of liberal education which might bring the university into conflict with the whole of the U.S.A. are unthinkable. Increasingly, the people “inside” are identical in their appetites and motives with the people “outside” the university.
** [[Saul Bellow]], ''Introduction to [[The Closing of the American Mind]]'' (New York: 1988), p. 18.

* The more rigorously criticism historicizes a work of art, in the sense of lodging it in the context of the moment of its production, the less likely it becomes for criticism to be able to explain either its own subsequent interest in the work or the possibility of lay—that is, nonacademic—interest in reading it.
** [[Russell Berman]], ''Fiction Sets You Free: Literature, Liberty and Western Culture'' (2007), pp. 5-6.

*ACADEME, n. An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught.&lt;br&gt;ACADEMY, n. [from ACADEME] A modern school where football is taught.
** [[Ambrose Bierce]], ''The Cynic's Dictionary'' (1906); republished as ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911).

* The academies and universities satisfied Socrates’ demand to be fed in the prytaneum.
** [[Allan Bloom]], “Commerce and Culture,” ''Giants and Dwarfs'' (1990), p. 289.

* In academia, … an art historian, on being stirred to tears by the tenderness and serenity he detects in a work by a fourteenth-century Florentine painter, may end up writing a monograph, as irreproachable as it is bloodless, on the history of paint manufacture in the age of Giotto. It seems easier to respond to our enthusiasms by trading in facts than by investigating the more naive question of how and why we have been moved.
** [[Alain de Botton]], ''The Pleasures and Sorrows of Work'' (2009), pp. 27-29.

* There are certain inferior or second-rate minds, who seem only fit to become the receptacle, register, or storehouse of all the productions of other talents; they are plagiarists, translators, compilers; they never think, but tell you what other authors have thought; and as a selection of thoughts requires some inventive powers, theirs is ill-made and inaccurate, which induces them rather to make it large than excellent. They have no originality, and possess nothing of their own; they only know what they have learned, and only learn what the rest of the world does not wish to know; a useless and dry science, without any charm or profit, unfit for conversation, nor suitable to intercourse, like a coin which has no currency. We are astonished when we read them, as well as tired out by their conversation or their works. The nobility and the common herd mistake them for men of learning, but intelligent men rank them with pedants.
** [[Jean de La Bruyère]], ''Characters'', H. Van Laun, trans. (London: 1885) “Of Works of the Mind,” #62.

==C==
[[File:Billets de 5000.jpg|thumb|In academia it’s common to get sanctions like “no more female grad students” or “no more undergraduate teaching” or “please work at home for now.” These are mild punishments at best, but departments are unsure what other options they have—and universities don’t make it easy to fire professors. The institutions know that perpetrators generally have more resources than victims and are more likely to sue if they are fired. It is a good [[financial]] decision, then, to do nothing about a perpetrator, even if they are guilty. ~ [[w:Kathryn B. H. Clancy|Kathryn B. H. Clancy]]]]

* What I admire in the ancient philosophers is their desire to make their lives conform to their writings, a trait which we notice in [[Plato]], [[Theophrastus]] and many others. Practical morality was so truly their philosophy’s essence that many, such as [[w:Xenocrates|Xenocrates]], Polemon, and [[w:Speusippus|Speusippus]], were placed at the head of schools although they had written nothing at all. [[Socrates]] was none the less the foremost philosopher of his age, although he had not composed a single book or studied any other science than ethics.
** [[Nicolas Chamfort]], ''Maxims and Considerations'', E. P. Mathers, trans. (1926), #448

* Why don’t we do anything when we know about the perpetrators in our midst? So far, consequences for scientist-harassers are few and far between. In academia it’s common to get sanctions like “no more female grad students” or “no more undergraduate teaching” or “please work at home for now.” These are mild punishments at best, but departments are unsure what other options they have—and universities don’t make it easy to fire professors. The institutions know that perpetrators generally have more resources than victims and are more likely to sue if they are fired. It is a good [[financial]] decision, then, to do nothing about a perpetrator, even if they are guilty. 
** [[w:Kathryn B. H. Clancy|Kathryn B. H. Clancy]], [https://www.nationalgeographic.com/magazine/2018/05/sexual-harassment-science-me-too-essay/ &quot;Have the Sciences Had a #MeToo Moment? Not So Much.&quot;], ''National Geographic'', (05/2018).

==D==

* From my childhood, I have been familiar with letters; and as I was given to believe that by their help a clear and certain knowledge of all that is useful in life might be acquired, I was ardently desirous of instruction. But as soon as I had finished the entire course of study, at the close of which it is customary to be admitted into the order of the learned, I completely changed my opinion. For I found myself involved in so many doubts and errors, that I was convinced I had advanced no farther in all my attempts at learning, than the discovery at every turn of my own ignorance. And yet I was studying in one of the most celebrated Schools in Europe, in which I thought there must be learned men, if such were anywhere to be found.
** [[René Descartes]], ''[[Discourse on Method]]'', J. Veitch, trans. (1899), p. 4.

* ''Homo academicus'' is a herd animal.
** [[w:William Desmond (philosopher)|William Desmond]] in Christopher Ben Simpson, [http://journal.radicalorthodoxy.org/index.php/ROTPP/article/viewFile/62/10 &quot;Between God and Metaphysics: An Interview with William Desmond&quot;], ''Radical Orthodoxy: Theology, Philosophy, Politics'', Vol. 1, Numbers 1 &amp; 2 (August 2012), p. 364.

==E==
* Numerous are the academic chairs, but rare are [[wise]] and [[noble]] [[teachers]]. Numerous and large are the lecture halls, but far from numerous the [[young]] men who genuinely thirst for [[truth]] and [[justice]]. Numerous are the wares that nature produces by the dozen, but her choice products are few.
** [[Albert Einstein]], “On Academic Freedom,” ''Ideas and Opinions'' (1954).

==J==

* Today's banalities apparently gain in profundity if one states that the wisdom of the past, for all its virtues, belongs to the past. The arrogance of those who come later preens itself with the notion that the past is dead and gone. ... The modern mind can no longer think thought, only can locate it in time and space. The activity of thinking decays to the passivity of classifying.
** [[Russell Jacoby]], ''Social Amnesia'' (1975), p. 1

* The application of planned obsolescence to thought itself has the same merit as its application to consumer goods; the new is not only shoddier than the old, it fuels an obsolete social system that staves off its replacement by manufacturing the illusion that it is perpetually new.
** [[Russell Jacoby]], ''Social Amnesia'' (1975), p. xvii

* [[Friedrich Nietzsche|Nietzsche’s]] ideas and plans: for example, the idea of giving up the whole wretched academic world to form a secular monastic community.
** [[Karl Jaspers]], ''[[Nietzsche]]'', C. Walraff and F. Schmitz, trans. (Baltimore: 1997).

==L==
* It is the capitalist class that pays you, that feeds you, that puts the very clothes on your backs that you are wearing tonight. And in return you preach to your employers the brands of metaphysics that are especially acceptable to them; and the especially acceptable brands are acceptable because they do not menace the established order of society. ... You are sincere. You preach what you believe. There lies your strength and your value&amp;mdash;to the capitalist class. But should you change your belief to something that menaces the established order, your preaching would be unacceptable to your employers, and you would be discharged. ... Your hands are soft with the work others have performed for you. Your stomachs are round with the plenitude of eating. ... And your minds are filled with doctrines that are buttresses of the established order. You are as much mercenaries (sincere mercenaries, I grant) as were the men of the [[w:Swiss Guards|Swiss Guard]]. 
** [[Jack London]], Ernest Everhard addressing a group of academics, in ''[[s:The Iron Heel|The Iron Heel]]'' (1908), Chapter 1

* When one of [[Ludwig Feuerbach|Feuerbach’s]] friends attempts to get him an academic position, Feuerbach writes to him: “The more people make of me, the less I am, and vice versa. I am … something only so long as I am nothing.”
** [[Karl Löwith]], ''From [[Hegel]] to [[Nietzsche]]'', D. Green, trans. (1964), pp. 68-69.

== M ==

* To overcome the academic prose you have first to overcome the academic pose.
** [[C. Wright Mills]], ''The Sociological Imagination'' (1959).

==N==
* One should observe our scholars closely: they have reached the point where they think only “reactively,” i.e. they must read before they can think.
** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], ''The Will to Power'', § 916, cited in [[Walter Kaufmann]], ''Nietzsche'', p. 419

==P==

* [[w:David Halperin|Halperin's]] final essay, &quot;Why Is Diotima a Woman?&quot;, has inspired the title of my article. Here we have one of the great junk bonds of the fast-track academic era, whose unbridled greed for fame and power was intimately in sync with parallel developments on Wall Street. This is yuppie entrepreneurship at its height. It's scholarship skating on a gold credit card, sweeping up everything in its path and dropping it unsorted and uncomprehended in a heap in the boutique window. Its inner bonds too are junk: the logic is specious and its claims counterfeit. … Nothing is thought through or developed in a sensible, plausible way. All energy goes toward show, pretense, posing.
** [[Camille Paglia]], reviewing David Halperin’s ''One Hundred Years of Homosexuality'', “Junk Bonds and Corporate Raiders: Academe in the Hour of the Wolf,” ''Arion'', Third Series, Vol. 1, No. 2 (Spring, 1991), pp. 158-159

* Academe has become a [[multinational corporation]], and scholars have become businessmen, mobile merchants on the make.
** [[Camille Paglia]], “Junk Bonds and Corporate Raiders: Academe in the Hour of the Wolf,” ''Arion'', Third Series, Vol. 1, No. 2 (Spring, 1991), p. 172

* Today's academic leftists are strutting wannabes, timorous nerds who missed the Sixties while they were grade-grubbing in the library and brown-nosing the senior faculty. Their politics came to them late, secondhand, and special delivery via the Parisian import craze of the Seventies. These people have risen to the top not by challenging the system but by smoothly adapting themselves to it. They're company men, Rosencrantz and Guildensterns, privileged opportunists who rode the wave of fashion.
** [[Camille Paglia]], “Junk Bonds and Corporate Raiders: Academe in the Hour of the Wolf,” ''Arion'', Third Series, Vol. 1, No. 2 (Spring, 1991), pp. 176-177

* We know something about billionaire consumption, but it is hard to measure some of it. Some billionaires are consuming politicians, others consume reporters, and some consume academics.
** [[Thomas Piketty]], quoted in Chuck Coliins, [http://inequality.org/nitpicking-piketty/ Nit-Picking Piketty] (2015)
** At [http://events.mediasite.com/Mediasite/Play/b6d6725ea1df49c896fc82465f732e9b1d ASSA], 01:40:27

==R==
* Even though philosophers should be in a position to discover the truth, which of them would take any interest in it? Each one knows well that his system is not better founded than the others, but he supports it because it is his. There is not a single one of them who, if he came to know the true and the false, would not prefer the falsehood that he had found to the truth discovered by another. Where is the philosopher who would not willingly deceive mankind for his own glory? Where is he who in the secret of his heart does not propose to himself any other object than to distinguish himself? Provided that he lifts himself above the vulgar, provided that he outshines the brilliance of his competitors, what does he demand more? The essential thing is to think differently from others. With believers he is an atheist; with atheists he would be a believer.
** [[Jean-Jacques Rousseau]], ''[[w:Emile, or On Education|Émile, or On Education]]'', book 4

== S ==
* For the intellectual class, expertise has usually been a service rendered, and sold, to the central authority of society. This is the ''trahison des clercs'' of which [[Julien Benda]] spoke in the 1920s. Expertise in foreign affairs, for example, has usually meant the legitimization of the conduct of foreign policy.
** [[Edward Said]], ''The World, the Text, and the Critic'' (1983), p. 2

* The intellectual origins of literary theory in Europe were, I think it is accurate to say, insurrectionary. The traditional university, the hegemony of determinism and positivism, the reification of ideological bourgeois “humanism,” the rigid barriers between academic specialties: it was powerful responses to all these that linked together such influential progenitors of today’s literary theorist as Saussure, [[w:Ferdinand de Saussure|Saussure]], [[Lukács]], [[Georges Bataille|Bataille]], [[Claude Lévi-Strauss|Lévi-Strauss]], [[Sigmund Freud|Freud]], [[Nietzsche]], and [[Karl Marx|Marx]]. Theory proposed itself as a synthesis overriding the petty fiefdoms within the world of intellectual production, and it was manifestly to be hoped as a result that all the domains of human activity could be seen, and lived, as a unity. … Literary theory, whether of the Left or the Right, has turned its back on these things. This can be considered, I think, the triumph of the ethic of professionalism. But it is no accident that the emergence of so narrowly defined a philosophy of pure textuality and critical noninterference has coincided with the ascendancy of [[w:Ronald Reagan|Reaganism]].
** [[Edward Said]], ''The World, the Text, and the Critic'' (1983), pp. 3-4.

* Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, because the stakes are so low.
** [[w:Sayre's Law|Sayre's Law]], attributed to Wallace Stanley Sayre (1905-1972), political scientist at Columbia University; attributed to others with minor wording variations.&lt;ref name=&quot;Keyes Quote Verifier&quot;&gt;{{cite book | url=https://books.google.co.nz/books?id=d6JZryGvfxYC&amp;pg=PA1&amp;lpg=PA1#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false | title=The Quote Verifier: Who Said What, Where, and When | publisher=St. Martin's Press | author=Keyes, Ralph | authorlink=Ralph Keyes (author) | year=2007 | pages=1 | isbn=1-4299-0617-0}}&lt;/ref&gt;

==T==
* Academia is to knowledge what prostitution is to love.
** [[Nassim N. Taleb]], ''The Bed of Procrustes: Philosophical and Practical Aphorisms'' (2010), p. 4.

==W==
* What the learned world tends to offer is one second-hand scrap of information illustrating ideas derived from another second-hand scrap of information. The second-handedness of the learned world is the secret of its mediocrity.
** [[Alfred North Whitehead]], “Technical Education,” in ''The Aims of Education and Other Essays'' (1929), p. 61.

==X==
* When we see a woman bartering beauty for gold, we look upon such a one as no other than a common prostitute; but she who rewards the passion of some worthy youth with it, gains at the same time our approbation and esteem. It is the very same with philosophy: he who sets it forth for public sale, to be disposed of to the highest bidder, is a sophist, a public prostitute.
** [[Xenophon]], [[Socrates]] in ''Memorabilia'', 1.6.11, T. Stanley, trans., p. 535

* To offer one’s beauty for money to all comers is called prostitution. … So is it with wisdom. Those who offer it to all comers for money are known as sophists, prostitutors of wisdom.
** [[Xenophon]], [[Socrates]] in ''Memorabilia'', 1.6.11

== See also ==
* [[Academic careerism]]
* [[Education]]
* [[W:Free education|Free education]]
* [[Intellectuals]]
* [[Knowledge]]
* [[Learning]]
* [[Liberal education]]
* [[W:Open education|Open education]]
* [[W:Open educational resources|Open educational resources]]
* [[w:Right to education|Right to education]]
* [[Teachers]]
* [[Tuition]]
* [[Universities]]
*[[Wisdom]]

==External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
{{Wiktionary|academia}}

[[Category:Education]]
[[Category:Society]]</text>
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      <text bytes="18559" xml:space="preserve">[[File:1911 Solvay conference.jpg|thumb|When we see a woman bartering beauty for gold, we look upon such a one as no other than a common prostitute; but she who rewards the passion of some worthy youth with it, gains at the same time our approbation and esteem. It is the very same with philosophy: he who sets it forth for public sale, to be disposed of to the highest bidder, is a sophist, a public prostitute. ~ [[Xenophon]]]]

[[File:Rousseau Geneve.JPG|thumb|There is not a single one of them who, if he came to know the true and the false, would not prefer the falsehood that he had found to the truth discovered by another. ~ [[Jean-Jacques Rousseau]]]]

'''[[w:Academia|Academia]]''' (derives from Ancient Greek Ἀκαδημία) is the community of students and scholars engaged in [[higher education]] and [[research]]. Academia is the part of society, especially universities, that is connected with studying and thinking.
__NOTOC__
{{TOCalpha}}
==A==

* Like every '[[intellectual]]', a philosophy teacher is a [[Bourgeoisie|petty bourgeois]]. When he opens his mouth, it is petty-bourgeois [[ideology]] that speaks: its resources and ruses are infinite. 
** [[Louis Althusser]], ''[[Vladimir Lenin|Lenin]] and Philosophy and Other Writings'' (1971), p. 2

==B==

* The university, in a society ruled by public opinion, was to have been an island of intellectual freedom where all views were investigated without restriction. … But by consenting to play an active or “positive,” a participatory role in society, the university has become inundated and saturated with the backflow of society’s “problems.” Preoccupied with questions of Health, Sex, Race, War, academics make their reputations and their fortunes. … Any proposed reforms of liberal education which might bring the university into conflict with the whole of the U.S.A. are unthinkable. Increasingly, the people “inside” are identical in their appetites and motives with the people “outside” the university.
** [[Saul Bellow]], ''Introduction to [[The Closing of the American Mind]]'' (New York: 1988), p. 18.

* The more rigorously criticism historicizes a work of art, in the sense of lodging it in the context of the moment of its production, the less likely it becomes for criticism to be able to explain either its own subsequent interest in the work or the possibility of lay—that is, nonacademic—interest in reading it.
** [[Russell Berman]], ''Fiction Sets You Free: Literature, Liberty and Western Culture'' (2007), pp. 5-6.

*ACADEME, n. An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught.&lt;br&gt;ACADEMY, n. [from ACADEME] A modern school where football is taught.
** [[Ambrose Bierce]], ''The Cynic's Dictionary'' (1906); republished as ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911).

* The academies and universities satisfied Socrates’ demand to be fed in the prytaneum.
** [[Allan Bloom]], “Commerce and Culture,” ''Giants and Dwarfs'' (1990), p. 289.

* In academia, … an art historian, on being stirred to tears by the tenderness and serenity he detects in a work by a fourteenth-century Florentine painter, may end up writing a monograph, as irreproachable as it is bloodless, on the history of paint manufacture in the age of Giotto. It seems easier to respond to our enthusiasms by trading in facts than by investigating the more naive question of how and why we have been moved.
** [[Alain de Botton]], ''The Pleasures and Sorrows of Work'' (2009), pp. 27-29.

* There are certain inferior or second-rate minds, who seem only fit to become the receptacle, register, or storehouse of all the productions of other talents; they are plagiarists, translators, compilers; they never think, but tell you what other authors have thought; and as a selection of thoughts requires some inventive powers, theirs is ill-made and inaccurate, which induces them rather to make it large than excellent. They have no originality, and possess nothing of their own; they only know what they have learned, and only learn what the rest of the world does not wish to know; a useless and dry science, without any charm or profit, unfit for conversation, nor suitable to intercourse, like a coin which has no currency. We are astonished when we read them, as well as tired out by their conversation or their works. The nobility and the common herd mistake them for men of learning, but intelligent men rank them with pedants.
** [[Jean de La Bruyère]], ''Characters'', H. Van Laun, trans. (London: 1885) “Of Works of the Mind,” #62.

==C==
[[File:Billets de 5000.jpg|thumb|In academia it’s common to get sanctions like “no more female grad students” or “no more undergraduate teaching” or “please work at home for now.” These are mild punishments at best, but departments are unsure what other options they have—and universities don’t make it easy to fire professors. The institutions know that perpetrators generally have more resources than victims and are more likely to sue if they are fired. It is a good [[financial]] decision, then, to do nothing about a perpetrator, even if they are guilty. ~ [[w:Kathryn B. H. Clancy|Kathryn B. H. Clancy]]]]

* What I admire in the ancient philosophers is their desire to make their lives conform to their writings, a trait which we notice in [[Plato]], [[Theophrastus]] and many others. Practical morality was so truly their philosophy’s essence that many, such as [[w:Xenocrates|Xenocrates]], Polemon, and [[w:Speusippus|Speusippus]], were placed at the head of schools although they had written nothing at all. [[Socrates]] was none the less the foremost philosopher of his age, although he had not composed a single book or studied any other science than ethics.
** [[Nicolas Chamfort]], ''Maxims and Considerations'', E. P. Mathers, trans. (1926), #448

* Why don’t we do anything when we know about the perpetrators in our midst? So far, consequences for scientist-harassers are few and far between. In academia it’s common to get sanctions like “no more female grad students” or “no more undergraduate teaching” or “please work at home for now.” These are mild punishments at best, but departments are unsure what other options they have—and universities don’t make it easy to fire professors. The institutions know that perpetrators generally have more resources than victims and are more likely to sue if they are fired. It is a good [[financial]] decision, then, to do nothing about a perpetrator, even if they are guilty. 
** [[w:Kathryn B. H. Clancy|Kathryn B. H. Clancy]], [https://www.nationalgeographic.com/magazine/2018/05/sexual-harassment-science-me-too-essay/ &quot;Have the Sciences Had a #MeToo Moment? Not So Much.&quot;], ''National Geographic'', (05/2018).

==D==

* From my childhood, I have been familiar with letters; and as I was given to believe that by their help a clear and certain knowledge of all that is useful in life might be acquired, I was ardently desirous of instruction. But as soon as I had finished the entire course of study, at the close of which it is customary to be admitted into the order of the learned, I completely changed my opinion. For I found myself involved in so many doubts and errors, that I was convinced I had advanced no farther in all my attempts at learning, than the discovery at every turn of my own ignorance. And yet I was studying in one of the most celebrated Schools in Europe, in which I thought there must be learned men, if such were anywhere to be found.
** [[René Descartes]], ''[[Discourse on Method]]'', J. Veitch, trans. (1899), p. 4.

* ''Homo academicus'' is a herd animal.
** [[w:William Desmond (philosopher)|William Desmond]] in Christopher Ben Simpson, [http://journal.radicalorthodoxy.org/index.php/ROTPP/article/viewFile/62/10 &quot;Between God and Metaphysics: An Interview with William Desmond&quot;], ''Radical Orthodoxy: Theology, Philosophy, Politics'', Vol. 1, Numbers 1 &amp; 2 (August 2012), p. 364.

==E==
* Numerous are the academic chairs, but rare are [[wise]] and [[noble]] [[teachers]]. Numerous and large are the lecture halls, but far from numerous the [[young]] men who genuinely thirst for [[truth]] and [[justice]]. Numerous are the wares that nature produces by the dozen, but her choice products are few.
** [[Albert Einstein]], “On Academic Freedom,” ''Ideas and Opinions'' (1954).

==J==

* Today's banalities apparently gain in profundity if one states that the wisdom of the past, for all its virtues, belongs to the past. The arrogance of those who come later preens itself with the notion that the past is dead and gone. ... The modern mind can no longer think thought, only can locate it in time and space. The activity of thinking decays to the passivity of classifying.
** [[Russell Jacoby]], ''Social Amnesia'' (1975), p. 1

* The application of planned obsolescence to thought itself has the same merit as its application to consumer goods; the new is not only shoddier than the old, it fuels an obsolete social system that staves off its replacement by manufacturing the illusion that it is perpetually new.
** [[Russell Jacoby]], ''Social Amnesia'' (1975), p. xvii

* [[Friedrich Nietzsche|Nietzsche’s]] ideas and plans: for example, the idea of giving up the whole wretched academic world to form a secular monastic community.
** [[Karl Jaspers]], ''[[Nietzsche]]'', C. Walraff and F. Schmitz, trans. (Baltimore: 1997).

==L==
* It is the capitalist class that pays you, that feeds you, that puts the very clothes on your backs that you are wearing tonight. And in return you preach to your employers the brands of metaphysics that are especially acceptable to them; and the especially acceptable brands are acceptable because they do not menace the established order of society. ... You are sincere. You preach what you believe. There lies your strength and your value&amp;mdash;to the capitalist class. But should you change your belief to something that menaces the established order, your preaching would be unacceptable to your employers, and you would be discharged. ... Your hands are soft with the work others have performed for you. Your stomachs are round with the plenitude of eating. ... And your minds are filled with doctrines that are buttresses of the established order. You are as much mercenaries (sincere mercenaries, I grant) as were the men of the [[w:Swiss Guards|Swiss Guard]]. 
** [[Jack London]], Ernest Everhard addressing a group of academics, in ''[[s:The Iron Heel|The Iron Heel]]'' (1908), Chapter 1

* When one of [[Ludwig Feuerbach|Feuerbach’s]] friends attempts to get him an academic position, Feuerbach writes to him: “The more people make of me, the less I am, and vice versa. I am … something only so long as I am nothing.”
** [[Karl Löwith]], ''From [[Hegel]] to [[Nietzsche]]'', D. Green, trans. (1964), pp. 68-69.

== M ==

* To overcome the academic prose you have first to overcome the academic pose.
** [[C. Wright Mills]], ''The Sociological Imagination'' (1959).

==N==
* One should observe our scholars closely: they have reached the point where they think only “reactively,” i.e. they must read before they can think.
** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], ''The Will to Power'', § 916, cited in [[Walter Kaufmann]], ''Nietzsche'', p. 419

==P==

* [[w:David Halperin|Halperin's]] final essay, &quot;Why Is Diotima a Woman?&quot;, has inspired the title of my article. Here we have one of the great junk bonds of the fast-track academic era, whose unbridled greed for fame and power was intimately in sync with parallel developments on Wall Street. This is yuppie entrepreneurship at its height. It's scholarship skating on a gold credit card, sweeping up everything in its path and dropping it unsorted and uncomprehended in a heap in the boutique window. Its inner bonds too are junk: the logic is specious and its claims counterfeit. … Nothing is thought through or developed in a sensible, plausible way. All energy goes toward show, pretense, posing.
** [[Camille Paglia]], reviewing David Halperin’s ''One Hundred Years of Homosexuality'', “Junk Bonds and Corporate Raiders: Academe in the Hour of the Wolf,” ''Arion'', Third Series, Vol. 1, No. 2 (Spring, 1991), pp. 158-159

* Academe has become a [[multinational corporation]], and scholars have become businessmen, mobile merchants on the make.
** [[Camille Paglia]], “Junk Bonds and Corporate Raiders: Academe in the Hour of the Wolf,” ''Arion'', Third Series, Vol. 1, No. 2 (Spring, 1991), p. 172

* Today's academic leftists are strutting wannabes, timorous nerds who missed the Sixties while they were grade-grubbing in the library and brown-nosing the senior faculty. Their politics came to them late, secondhand, and special delivery via the Parisian import craze of the Seventies. These people have risen to the top not by challenging the system but by smoothly adapting themselves to it. They're company men, Rosencrantz and Guildensterns, privileged opportunists who rode the wave of fashion.
** [[Camille Paglia]], “Junk Bonds and Corporate Raiders: Academe in the Hour of the Wolf,” ''Arion'', Third Series, Vol. 1, No. 2 (Spring, 1991), pp. 176-177

* We know something about billionaire consumption, but it is hard to measure some of it. Some billionaires are consuming politicians, others consume reporters, and some consume academics.
** [[Thomas Piketty]], quoted in Chuck Coliins, [http://inequality.org/nitpicking-piketty/ Nit-Picking Piketty] (2015)
** At [http://events.mediasite.com/Mediasite/Play/b6d6725ea1df49c896fc82465f732e9b1d ASSA], 01:40:27

==R==
* Even though philosophers should be in a position to discover the truth, which of them would take any interest in it? Each one knows well that his system is not better founded than the others, but he supports it because it is his. There is not a single one of them who, if he came to know the true and the false, would not prefer the falsehood that he had found to the truth discovered by another. Where is the philosopher who would not willingly deceive mankind for his own glory? Where is he who in the secret of his heart does not propose to himself any other object than to distinguish himself? Provided that he lifts himself above the vulgar, provided that he outshines the brilliance of his competitors, what does he demand more? The essential thing is to think differently from others. With believers he is an atheist; with atheists he would be a believer.
** [[Jean-Jacques Rousseau]], ''[[w:Emile, or On Education|Émile, or On Education]]'', book 4

== S ==
* For the intellectual class, expertise has usually been a service rendered, and sold, to the central authority of society. This is the ''trahison des clercs'' of which [[Julien Benda]] spoke in the 1920s. Expertise in foreign affairs, for example, has usually meant the legitimization of the conduct of foreign policy.
** [[Edward Said]], ''The World, the Text, and the Critic'' (1983), p. 2

* The intellectual origins of literary theory in Europe were, I think it is accurate to say, insurrectionary. The traditional university, the hegemony of determinism and positivism, the reification of ideological bourgeois “humanism,” the rigid barriers between academic specialties: it was powerful responses to all these that linked together such influential progenitors of today’s literary theorist as Saussure, [[w:Ferdinand de Saussure|Saussure]], [[Lukács]], [[Georges Bataille|Bataille]], [[Claude Lévi-Strauss|Lévi-Strauss]], [[Sigmund Freud|Freud]], [[Nietzsche]], and [[Karl Marx|Marx]]. Theory proposed itself as a synthesis overriding the petty fiefdoms within the world of intellectual production, and it was manifestly to be hoped as a result that all the domains of human activity could be seen, and lived, as a unity. … Literary theory, whether of the Left or the Right, has turned its back on these things. This can be considered, I think, the triumph of the ethic of professionalism. But it is no accident that the emergence of so narrowly defined a philosophy of pure textuality and critical noninterference has coincided with the ascendancy of [[w:Ronald Reagan|Reaganism]].
** [[Edward Said]], ''The World, the Text, and the Critic'' (1983), pp. 3-4.

* Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, because the stakes are so low.
** [[w:Sayre's Law|Sayre's Law]], attributed to Wallace Stanley Sayre (1905-1972), political scientist at Columbia University; attributed to others with minor wording variations.&lt;ref name=&quot;Keyes Quote Verifier&quot;&gt;{{cite book | url=https://books.google.co.nz/books?id=d6JZryGvfxYC&amp;pg=PA1&amp;lpg=PA1#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false | title=The Quote Verifier: Who Said What, Where, and When | publisher=St. Martin's Press | author=Keyes, Ralph | authorlink=Ralph Keyes (author) | year=2007 | pages=1 | isbn=1-4299-0617-0}}&lt;/ref&gt;

==T==
* Academia is to knowledge what prostitution is to love.
** [[Nassim N. Taleb]], ''The Bed of Procrustes: Philosophical and Practical Aphorisms'' (2010), p. 4.

==W==
* What the learned world tends to offer is one second-hand scrap of information illustrating ideas derived from another second-hand scrap of information. The second-handedness of the learned world is the secret of its mediocrity.
** [[Alfred North Whitehead]], “Technical Education,” in ''The Aims of Education and Other Essays'' (1929), p. 61.

==X==
* When we see a woman bartering beauty for gold, we look upon such a one as no other than a common prostitute; but she who rewards the passion of some worthy youth with it, gains at the same time our approbation and esteem. It is the very same with philosophy: he who sets it forth for public sale, to be disposed of to the highest bidder, is a sophist, a public prostitute.
** [[Xenophon]], [[Socrates]] in ''Memorabilia'', 1.6.11, T. Stanley, trans., p. 535

* To offer one’s beauty for money to all comers is called prostitution. … So is it with wisdom. Those who offer it to all comers for money are known as sophists, prostitutors of wisdom.
** [[Xenophon]], [[Socrates]] in ''Memorabilia'', 1.6.11

== See also ==
* [[Academic careerism]]
* [[Education]]
* [[W:Free education|Free education]]
* [[Intellectuals]]
* [[Knowledge]]
* [[Learning]]
* [[Liberal education]]
* [[W:Open education|Open education]]
* [[W:Open educational resources|Open educational resources]]
* [[w:Right to education|Right to education]]
* [[Teachers]]
* [[Tuition]]
* [[Universities]]
*[[Wisdom]]

==External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
{{Wiktionary|academia}}

[[Category:Education]]
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[[File:Rousseau Geneve.JPG|thumb|There is not a single one of them who, if he came to know the true and the false, would not prefer the falsehood that he had found to the truth discovered by another. ~ [[Jean-Jacques Rousseau]]]]
'''[[w:Academia|Academia]]''' is the community of students and scholars engaged in [[higher education]] and [[research]].
__NOTOC__
{{TOCalpha}}
==A==
* Like every '[[intellectual]]', a philosophy teacher is a [[Bourgeoisie|petty bourgeois]]. When he opens his mouth, it is petty-bourgeois [[ideology]] that speaks: its resources and ruses are infinite. 
** [[Louis Althusser]], ''[[Vladimir Lenin|Lenin]] and Philosophy and Other Writings'' (1971), p. 2

==B==

* The university, in a society ruled by public opinion, was to have been an island of intellectual freedom where all views were investigated without restriction. … But by consenting to play an active or “positive,” a participatory role in society, the university has become inundated and saturated with the backflow of society’s “problems.” Preoccupied with questions of Health, Sex, Race, War, academics make their reputations and their fortunes. … Any proposed reforms of liberal education which might bring the university into conflict with the whole of the U.S.A. are unthinkable. Increasingly, the people “inside” are identical in their appetites and motives with the people “outside” the university.
** [[Saul Bellow]], ''Introduction to [[The Closing of the American Mind]]'' (New York: 1988), p. 18.

* The more rigorously criticism historicizes a work of art, in the sense of lodging it in the context of the moment of its production, the less likely it becomes for criticism to be able to explain either its own subsequent interest in the work or the possibility of lay—that is, nonacademic—interest in reading it.
** [[Russell Berman]], ''Fiction Sets You Free: Literature, Liberty and Western Culture'' (2007), pp. 5-6.

*ACADEME, n. An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught.&lt;br&gt;ACADEMY, n. [from ACADEME] A modern school where football is taught.
** [[Ambrose Bierce]], ''The Cynic's Dictionary'' (1906); republished as ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911).

* The academies and universities satisfied Socrates’ demand to be fed in the prytaneum.
** [[Allan Bloom]], “Commerce and Culture,” ''Giants and Dwarfs'' (1990), p. 289.

* In academia, … an art historian, on being stirred to tears by the tenderness and serenity he detects in a work by a fourteenth-century Florentine painter, may end up writing a monograph, as irreproachable as it is bloodless, on the history of paint manufacture in the age of Giotto. It seems easier to respond to our enthusiasms by trading in facts than by investigating the more naive question of how and why we have been moved.
** [[Alain de Botton]], ''The Pleasures and Sorrows of Work'' (2009), pp. 27-29.

* There are certain inferior or second-rate minds, who seem only fit to become the receptacle, register, or storehouse of all the productions of other talents; they are plagiarists, translators, compilers; they never think, but tell you what other authors have thought; and as a selection of thoughts requires some inventive powers, theirs is ill-made and inaccurate, which induces them rather to make it large than excellent. They have no originality, and possess nothing of their own; they only know what they have learned, and only learn what the rest of the world does not wish to know; a useless and dry science, without any charm or profit, unfit for conversation, nor suitable to intercourse, like a coin which has no currency. We are astonished when we read them, as well as tired out by their conversation or their works. The nobility and the common herd mistake them for men of learning, but intelligent men rank them with pedants.
** [[Jean de La Bruyère]], ''Characters'', H. Van Laun, trans. (London: 1885) “Of Works of the Mind,” #62.

==C==
[[File:Billets de 5000.jpg|thumb|In academia it’s common to get sanctions like “no more female grad students” or “no more undergraduate teaching” or “please work at home for now.” These are mild punishments at best, but departments are unsure what other options they have—and universities don’t make it easy to fire professors. The institutions know that perpetrators generally have more resources than victims and are more likely to sue if they are fired. It is a good [[financial]] decision, then, to do nothing about a perpetrator, even if they are guilty. ~ [[w:Kathryn B. H. Clancy|Kathryn B. H. Clancy]]]]

* What I admire in the ancient philosophers is their desire to make their lives conform to their writings, a trait which we notice in [[Plato]], [[Theophrastus]] and many others. Practical morality was so truly their philosophy’s essence that many, such as [[w:Xenocrates|Xenocrates]], Polemon, and [[w:Speusippus|Speusippus]], were placed at the head of schools although they had written nothing at all. [[Socrates]] was none the less the foremost philosopher of his age, although he had not composed a single book or studied any other science than ethics.
** [[Nicolas Chamfort]], ''Maxims and Considerations'', E. P. Mathers, trans. (1926), #448

* Why don’t we do anything when we know about the perpetrators in our midst? So far, consequences for scientist-harassers are few and far between. In academia it’s common to get sanctions like “no more female grad students” or “no more undergraduate teaching” or “please work at home for now.” These are mild punishments at best, but departments are unsure what other options they have—and universities don’t make it easy to fire professors. The institutions know that perpetrators generally have more resources than victims and are more likely to sue if they are fired. It is a good [[financial]] decision, then, to do nothing about a perpetrator, even if they are guilty. 
** [[w:Kathryn B. H. Clancy|Kathryn B. H. Clancy]], [https://www.nationalgeographic.com/magazine/2018/05/sexual-harassment-science-me-too-essay/ &quot;Have the Sciences Had a #MeToo Moment? Not So Much.&quot;], ''National Geographic'', (05/2018).

==D==

* From my childhood, I have been familiar with letters; and as I was given to believe that by their help a clear and certain knowledge of all that is useful in life might be acquired, I was ardently desirous of instruction. But as soon as I had finished the entire course of study, at the close of which it is customary to be admitted into the order of the learned, I completely changed my opinion. For I found myself involved in so many doubts and errors, that I was convinced I had advanced no farther in all my attempts at learning, than the discovery at every turn of my own ignorance. And yet I was studying in one of the most celebrated Schools in Europe, in which I thought there must be learned men, if such were anywhere to be found.
** [[René Descartes]], ''[[Discourse on Method]]'', J. Veitch, trans. (1899), p. 4.

* ''Homo academicus'' is a herd animal.
** [[w:William Desmond (philosopher)|William Desmond]] in Christopher Ben Simpson, [http://journal.radicalorthodoxy.org/index.php/ROTPP/article/viewFile/62/10 &quot;Between God and Metaphysics: An Interview with William Desmond&quot;], ''Radical Orthodoxy: Theology, Philosophy, Politics'', Vol. 1, Numbers 1 &amp; 2 (August 2012), p. 364.

==E==
* Numerous are the academic chairs, but rare are [[wise]] and [[noble]] [[teachers]]. Numerous and large are the lecture halls, but far from numerous the [[young]] men who genuinely thirst for [[truth]] and [[justice]]. Numerous are the wares that nature produces by the dozen, but her choice products are few.
** [[Albert Einstein]], “On Academic Freedom,” ''Ideas and Opinions'' (1954).

==J==

* Today's banalities apparently gain in profundity if one states that the wisdom of the past, for all its virtues, belongs to the past. The arrogance of those who come later preens itself with the notion that the past is dead and gone. ... The modern mind can no longer think thought, only can locate it in time and space. The activity of thinking decays to the passivity of classifying.
** [[Russell Jacoby]], ''Social Amnesia'' (1975), p. 1

* The application of planned obsolescence to thought itself has the same merit as its application to consumer goods; the new is not only shoddier than the old, it fuels an obsolete social system that staves off its replacement by manufacturing the illusion that it is perpetually new.
** [[Russell Jacoby]], ''Social Amnesia'' (1975), p. xvii

* [[Friedrich Nietzsche|Nietzsche’s]] ideas and plans: for example, the idea of giving up the whole wretched academic world to form a secular monastic community.
** [[Karl Jaspers]], ''[[Nietzsche]]'', C. Walraff and F. Schmitz, trans. (Baltimore: 1997).

==L==
* It is the capitalist class that pays you, that feeds you, that puts the very clothes on your backs that you are wearing tonight. And in return you preach to your employers the brands of metaphysics that are especially acceptable to them; and the especially acceptable brands are acceptable because they do not menace the established order of society. ... You are sincere. You preach what you believe. There lies your strength and your value&amp;mdash;to the capitalist class. But should you change your belief to something that menaces the established order, your preaching would be unacceptable to your employers, and you would be discharged. ... Your hands are soft with the work others have performed for you. Your stomachs are round with the plenitude of eating. ... And your minds are filled with doctrines that are buttresses of the established order. You are as much mercenaries (sincere mercenaries, I grant) as were the men of the [[w:Swiss Guards|Swiss Guard]]. 
** [[Jack London]], Ernest Everhard addressing a group of academics, in ''[[s:The Iron Heel|The Iron Heel]]'' (1908), Chapter 1

* When one of [[Ludwig Feuerbach|Feuerbach’s]] friends attempts to get him an academic position, Feuerbach writes to him: “The more people make of me, the less I am, and vice versa. I am … something only so long as I am nothing.”
** [[Karl Löwith]], ''From [[Hegel]] to [[Nietzsche]]'', D. Green, trans. (1964), pp. 68-69.

== M ==

* To overcome the academic prose you have first to overcome the academic pose.
** [[C. Wright Mills]], ''The Sociological Imagination'' (1959).

==N==
* One should observe our scholars closely: they have reached the point where they think only “reactively,” i.e. they must read before they can think.
** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], ''The Will to Power'', § 916, cited in [[Walter Kaufmann]], ''Nietzsche'', p. 419

==P==

* [[w:David Halperin|Halperin's]] final essay, &quot;Why Is Diotima a Woman?&quot;, has inspired the title of my article. Here we have one of the great junk bonds of the fast-track academic era, whose unbridled greed for fame and power was intimately in sync with parallel developments on Wall Street. This is yuppie entrepreneurship at its height. It's scholarship skating on a gold credit card, sweeping up everything in its path and dropping it unsorted and uncomprehended in a heap in the boutique window. Its inner bonds too are junk: the logic is specious and its claims counterfeit. … Nothing is thought through or developed in a sensible, plausible way. All energy goes toward show, pretense, posing.
** [[Camille Paglia]], reviewing David Halperin’s ''One Hundred Years of Homosexuality'', “Junk Bonds and Corporate Raiders: Academe in the Hour of the Wolf,” ''Arion'', Third Series, Vol. 1, No. 2 (Spring, 1991), pp. 158-159

* Academe has become a [[multinational corporation]], and scholars have become businessmen, mobile merchants on the make.
** [[Camille Paglia]], “Junk Bonds and Corporate Raiders: Academe in the Hour of the Wolf,” ''Arion'', Third Series, Vol. 1, No. 2 (Spring, 1991), p. 172

* Today's academic leftists are strutting wannabes, timorous nerds who missed the Sixties while they were grade-grubbing in the library and brown-nosing the senior faculty. Their politics came to them late, secondhand, and special delivery via the Parisian import craze of the Seventies. These people have risen to the top not by challenging the system but by smoothly adapting themselves to it. They're company men, Rosencrantz and Guildensterns, privileged opportunists who rode the wave of fashion.
** [[Camille Paglia]], “Junk Bonds and Corporate Raiders: Academe in the Hour of the Wolf,” ''Arion'', Third Series, Vol. 1, No. 2 (Spring, 1991), pp. 176-177

* We know something about billionaire consumption, but it is hard to measure some of it. Some billionaires are consuming politicians, others consume reporters, and some consume academics.
** [[Thomas Piketty]], quoted in Chuck Coliins, [http://inequality.org/nitpicking-piketty/ Nit-Picking Piketty] (2015)
** At [http://events.mediasite.com/Mediasite/Play/b6d6725ea1df49c896fc82465f732e9b1d ASSA], 01:40:27

==R==
* Even though philosophers should be in a position to discover the truth, which of them would take any interest in it? Each one knows well that his system is not better founded than the others, but he supports it because it is his. There is not a single one of them who, if he came to know the true and the false, would not prefer the falsehood that he had found to the truth discovered by another. Where is the philosopher who would not willingly deceive mankind for his own glory? Where is he who in the secret of his heart does not propose to himself any other object than to distinguish himself? Provided that he lifts himself above the vulgar, provided that he outshines the brilliance of his competitors, what does he demand more? The essential thing is to think differently from others. With believers he is an atheist; with atheists he would be a believer.
** [[Jean-Jacques Rousseau]], ''[[w:Emile, or On Education|Émile, or On Education]]'', book 4

== S ==
* For the intellectual class, expertise has usually been a service rendered, and sold, to the central authority of society. This is the ''trahison des clercs'' of which [[Julien Benda]] spoke in the 1920s. Expertise in foreign affairs, for example, has usually meant the legitimization of the conduct of foreign policy.
** [[Edward Said]], ''The World, the Text, and the Critic'' (1983), p. 2

* The intellectual origins of literary theory in Europe were, I think it is accurate to say, insurrectionary. The traditional university, the hegemony of determinism and positivism, the reification of ideological bourgeois “humanism,” the rigid barriers between academic specialties: it was powerful responses to all these that linked together such influential progenitors of today’s literary theorist as Saussure, [[w:Ferdinand de Saussure|Saussure]], [[Lukács]], [[Georges Bataille|Bataille]], [[Claude Lévi-Strauss|Lévi-Strauss]], [[Sigmund Freud|Freud]], [[Nietzsche]], and [[Karl Marx|Marx]]. Theory proposed itself as a synthesis overriding the petty fiefdoms within the world of intellectual production, and it was manifestly to be hoped as a result that all the domains of human activity could be seen, and lived, as a unity. … Literary theory, whether of the Left or the Right, has turned its back on these things. This can be considered, I think, the triumph of the ethic of professionalism. But it is no accident that the emergence of so narrowly defined a philosophy of pure textuality and critical noninterference has coincided with the ascendancy of [[w:Ronald Reagan|Reaganism]].
** [[Edward Said]], ''The World, the Text, and the Critic'' (1983), pp. 3-4.

* Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, because the stakes are so low.
** [[w:Sayre's Law|Sayre's Law]], attributed to Wallace Stanley Sayre (1905-1972), political scientist at Columbia University; attributed to others with minor wording variations.&lt;ref name=&quot;Keyes Quote Verifier&quot;&gt;{{cite book | url=https://books.google.co.nz/books?id=d6JZryGvfxYC&amp;pg=PA1&amp;lpg=PA1#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false | title=The Quote Verifier: Who Said What, Where, and When | publisher=St. Martin's Press | author=Keyes, Ralph | authorlink=Ralph Keyes (author) | year=2007 | pages=1 | isbn=1-4299-0617-0}}&lt;/ref&gt;

==T==
* Academia is to knowledge what prostitution is to love.
** [[Nassim N. Taleb]], ''The Bed of Procrustes: Philosophical and Practical Aphorisms'' (2010), p. 4.

==W==
* What the learned world tends to offer is one second-hand scrap of information illustrating ideas derived from another second-hand scrap of information. The second-handedness of the learned world is the secret of its mediocrity.
** [[Alfred North Whitehead]], “Technical Education,” in ''The Aims of Education and Other Essays'' (1929), p. 61.

==X==
* When we see a woman bartering beauty for gold, we look upon such a one as no other than a common prostitute; but she who rewards the passion of some worthy youth with it, gains at the same time our approbation and esteem. It is the very same with philosophy: he who sets it forth for public sale, to be disposed of to the highest bidder, is a sophist, a public prostitute.
** [[Xenophon]], [[Socrates]] in ''Memorabilia'', 1.6.11, T. Stanley, trans., p. 535

* To offer one’s beauty for money to all comers is called prostitution. … So is it with wisdom. Those who offer it to all comers for money are known as sophists, prostitutors of wisdom.
** [[Xenophon]], [[Socrates]] in ''Memorabilia'', 1.6.11

== See also ==
* [[Academic careerism]]
* [[Education]]
* [[W:Free education|Free education]]
* [[Intellectuals]]
* [[Knowledge]]
* [[Learning]]
* [[Liberal education]]
* [[W:Open education|Open education]]
* [[W:Open educational resources|Open educational resources]]
* [[w:Right to education|Right to education]]
* [[Teachers]]
* [[Tuition]]
* [[Universities]]
*[[Wisdom]]

==External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
{{Wiktionary|academia}}

[[Category:Education]]
[[Category:Society]]</text>
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      <text bytes="18407" xml:space="preserve">[[File:1911 Solvay conference.jpg|thumb|When we see a woman bartering beauty for gold, we look upon such a one as no other than a common prostitute; but she who rewards the passion of some worthy youth with it, gains at the same time our approbation and esteem. It is the very same with philosophy: he who sets it forth for public sale, to be disposed of to the highest bidder, is a sophist, a public prostitute. ~ [[Xenophon]]]]


[[File:Rousseau Geneve.JPG|thumb|There is not a single one of them who, if he came to know the true and the false, would not prefer the falsehood that he had found to the truth discovered by another. ~ [[Jean-Jacques Rousseau]]]]
'''[[w:Academia|Academia]]''' is the community of students and scholars engaged in [[higher education]] and [[research]].
__NOTOC__
{{TOCalpha}}
==A==
* Like every '[[intellectual]]', a philosophy teacher is a [[Bourgeoisie|petty bourgeois]]. When he opens his mouth, it is petty-bourgeois [[ideology]] that speaks: its resources and ruses are infinite. 
** [[Louis Althusser]], ''[[Vladimir Lenin|Lenin]] and Philosophy and Other Writings'' (1971), p. 2

==B==

* The university, in a society ruled by public opinion, was to have been an island of intellectual freedom where all views were investigated without restriction. … But by consenting to play an active or “positive,” a participatory role in society, the university has become inundated and saturated with the backflow of society’s “problems.” Preoccupied with questions of Health, Sex, Race, War, academics make their reputations and their fortunes. … Any proposed reforms of liberal education which might bring the university into conflict with the whole of the U.S.A. are unthinkable. Increasingly, the people “inside” are identical in their appetites and motives with the people “outside” the university.
** [[Saul Bellow]], ''Introduction to [[The Closing of the American Mind]]'' (New York: 1988), p. 18.

* The more rigorously criticism historicizes a work of art, in the sense of lodging it in the context of the moment of its production, the less likely it becomes for criticism to be able to explain either its own subsequent interest in the work or the possibility of lay—that is, nonacademic—interest in reading it.
** [[Russell Berman]], ''Fiction Sets You Free: Literature, Liberty and Western Culture'' (2007), pp. 5-6.

*ACADEME, n. An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught.&lt;br&gt;ACADEMY, n. [from ACADEME] A modern school where football is taught.
** [[Ambrose Bierce]], ''The Cynic's Dictionary'' (1906); republished as ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911).

* The academies and universities satisfied Socrates’ demand to be fed in the prytaneum.
** [[Allan Bloom]], “Commerce and Culture,” ''Giants and Dwarfs'' (1990), p. 289.

* In academia, … an art historian, on being stirred to tears by the tenderness and serenity he detects in a work by a fourteenth-century Florentine painter, may end up writing a monograph, as irreproachable as it is bloodless, on the history of paint manufacture in the age of Giotto. It seems easier to respond to our enthusiasms by trading in facts than by investigating the more naive question of how and why we have been moved.
** [[Alain de Botton]], ''The Pleasures and Sorrows of Work'' (2009), pp. 27-29.

* There are certain inferior or second-rate minds, who seem only fit to become the receptacle, register, or storehouse of all the productions of other talents; they are plagiarists, translators, compilers; they never think, but tell you what other authors have thought; and as a selection of thoughts requires some inventive powers, theirs is ill-made and inaccurate, which induces them rather to make it large than excellent. They have no originality, and possess nothing of their own; they only know what they have learned, and only learn what the rest of the world does not wish to know; a useless and dry science, without any charm or profit, unfit for conversation, nor suitable to intercourse, like a coin which has no currency. We are astonished when we read them, as well as tired out by their conversation or their works. The nobility and the common herd mistake them for men of learning, but intelligent men rank them with pedants.
** [[Jean de La Bruyère]], ''Characters'', H. Van Laun, trans. (London: 1885) “Of Works of the Mind,” #62.

==C==
[[File:Billets de 5000.jpg|thumb|In academia it’s common to get sanctions like “no more female grad students” or “no more undergraduate teaching” or “please work at home for now.” These are mild punishments at best, but departments are unsure what other options they have—and universities don’t make it easy to fire professors. The institutions know that perpetrators generally have more resources than victims and are more likely to sue if they are fired. It is a good [[financial]] decision, then, to do nothing about a perpetrator, even if they are guilty. ~ [[w:Kathryn B. H. Clancy|Kathryn B. H. Clancy]]]]

* What I admire in the ancient philosophers is their desire to make their lives conform to their writings, a trait which we notice in [[Plato]], [[Theophrastus]] and many others. Practical morality was so truly their philosophy’s essence that many, such as [[w:Xenocrates|Xenocrates]], Polemon, and [[w:Speusippus|Speusippus]], were placed at the head of schools although they had written nothing at all. [[Socrates]] was none the less the foremost philosopher of his age, although he had not composed a single book or studied any other science than ethics.
** [[Nicolas Chamfort]], ''Maxims and Considerations'', E. P. Mathers, trans. (1926), #448

* Why don’t we do anything when we know about the perpetrators in our midst? So far, consequences for scientist-harassers are few and far between. In academia it’s common to get sanctions like “no more female grad students” or “no more undergraduate teaching” or “please work at home for now.” These are mild punishments at best, but departments are unsure what other options they have—and universities don’t make it easy to fire professors. The institutions know that perpetrators generally have more resources than victims and are more likely to sue if they are fired. It is a good [[financial]] decision, then, to do nothing about a perpetrator, even if they are guilty. 
** [[w:Kathryn B. H. Clancy|Kathryn B. H. Clancy]], [https://www.nationalgeographic.com/magazine/2018/05/sexual-harassment-science-me-too-essay/ &quot;Have the Sciences Had a #MeToo Moment? Not So Much.&quot;], ''National Geographic'', (05/2018).

==D==

* From my childhood, I have been familiar with letters; and as I was given to believe that by their help a clear and certain knowledge of all that is useful in life might be acquired, I was ardently desirous of instruction. But as soon as I had finished the entire course of study, at the close of which it is customary to be admitted into the order of the learned, I completely changed my opinion. For I found myself involved in so many doubts and errors, that I was convinced I had advanced no farther in all my attempts at learning, than the discovery at every turn of my own ignorance. And yet I was studying in one of the most celebrated Schools in Europe, in which I thought there must be learned men, if such were anywhere to be found.
** [[René Descartes]], ''[[Discourse on Method]]'', J. Veitch, trans. (1899), p. 4.

* ''Homo academicus'' is a herd animal.
** [[w:William Desmond (philosopher)|William Desmond]] in Christopher Ben Simpson, [http://journal.radicalorthodoxy.org/index.php/ROTPP/article/viewFile/62/10 &quot;Between God and Metaphysics: An Interview with William Desmond&quot;], ''Radical Orthodoxy: Theology, Philosophy, Politics'', Vol. 1, Numbers 1 &amp; 2 (August 2012), p. 364.

==E==
* Numerous are the academic chairs, but rare are [[wise]] and [[noble]] [[teachers]]. Numerous and large are the lecture halls, but far from numerous the [[young]] men who genuinely thirst for [[truth]] and [[justice]]. Numerous are the wares that nature produces by the dozen, but her choice products are few.
** [[Albert Einstein]], “On Academic Freedom,” ''Ideas and Opinions'' (1954).

==J==

* Today's banalities apparently gain in profundity if one states that the wisdom of the past, for all its virtues, belongs to the past. The arrogance of those who come later preens itself with the notion that the past is dead and gone. ... The modern mind can no longer think thought, only can locate it in time and space. The activity of thinking decays to the passivity of classifying.
** [[Russell Jacoby]], ''Social Amnesia'' (1975), p. 1

* The application of planned obsolescence to thought itself has the same merit as its application to consumer goods; the new is not only shoddier than the old, it fuels an obsolete social system that staves off its replacement by manufacturing the illusion that it is perpetually new.
** [[Russell Jacoby]], ''Social Amnesia'' (1975), p. xvii

* [[Friedrich Nietzsche|Nietzsche’s]] ideas and plans: for example, the idea of giving up the whole wretched academic world to form a secular monastic community.
** [[Karl Jaspers]], ''[[Nietzsche]]'', C. Walraff and F. Schmitz, trans. (Baltimore: 1997).

==L==
* It is the capitalist class that pays you, that feeds you, that puts the very clothes on your backs that you are wearing tonight. And in return you preach to your employers the brands of metaphysics that are especially acceptable to them; and the especially acceptable brands are acceptable because they do not menace the established order of society. ... You are sincere. You preach what you believe. There lies your strength and your value&amp;mdash;to the capitalist class. But should you change your belief to something that menaces the established order, your preaching would be unacceptable to your employers, and you would be discharged. ... Your hands are soft with the work others have performed for you. Your stomachs are round with the plenitude of eating. ... And your minds are filled with doctrines that are buttresses of the established order. You are as much mercenaries (sincere mercenaries, I grant) as were the men of the [[w:Swiss Guards|Swiss Guard]]. 
** [[Jack London]], Ernest Everhard addressing a group of academics, in ''[[s:The Iron Heel|The Iron Heel]]'' (1908), Chapter 1

* When one of [[Ludwig Feuerbach|Feuerbach’s]] friends attempts to get him an academic position, Feuerbach writes to him: “The more people make of me, the less I am, and vice versa. I am … something only so long as I am nothing.”
** [[Karl Löwith]], ''From [[Hegel]] to [[Nietzsche]]'', D. Green, trans. (1964), pp. 68-69.

== M ==

* To overcome the academic prose you have first to overcome the academic pose.
** [[C. Wright Mills]], ''The Sociological Imagination'' (1959).

==N==
* One should observe our scholars closely: they have reached the point where they think only “reactively,” i.e. they must read before they can think.
** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], ''The Will to Power'', § 916, cited in [[Walter Kaufmann]], ''Nietzsche'', p. 419

==P==

* [[w:David Halperin|Halperin's]] final essay, &quot;Why Is Diotima a Woman?&quot;, has inspired the title of my article. Here we have one of the great junk bonds of the fast-track academic era, whose unbridled greed for fame and power was intimately in sync with parallel developments on Wall Street. This is yuppie entrepreneurship at its height. It's scholarship skating on a gold credit card, sweeping up everything in its path and dropping it unsorted and uncomprehended in a heap in the boutique window. Its inner bonds too are junk: the logic is specious and its claims counterfeit. … Nothing is thought through or developed in a sensible, plausible way. All energy goes toward show, pretense, posing.
** [[Camille Paglia]], reviewing David Halperin’s ''One Hundred Years of Homosexuality'', “Junk Bonds and Corporate Raiders: Academe in the Hour of the Wolf,” ''Arion'', Third Series, Vol. 1, No. 2 (Spring, 1991), pp. 158-159

* Academe has become a [[multinational corporation]], and scholars have become businessmen, mobile merchants on the make.
** [[Camille Paglia]], “Junk Bonds and Corporate Raiders: Academe in the Hour of the Wolf,” ''Arion'', Third Series, Vol. 1, No. 2 (Spring, 1991), p. 172

* Today's academic leftists are strutting wannabes, timorous nerds who missed the Sixties while they were grade-grubbing in the library and brown-nosing the senior faculty. Their politics came to them late, secondhand, and special delivery via the Parisian import craze of the Seventies. These people have risen to the top not by challenging the system but by smoothly adapting themselves to it. They're company men, Rosencrantz and Guildensterns, privileged opportunists who rode the wave of fashion.
** [[Camille Paglia]], “Junk Bonds and Corporate Raiders: Academe in the Hour of the Wolf,” ''Arion'', Third Series, Vol. 1, No. 2 (Spring, 1991), pp. 176-177

* We know something about billionaire consumption, but it is hard to measure some of it. Some billionaires are consuming politicians, others consume reporters, and some consume academics.
** [[Thomas Piketty]], quoted in Chuck Coliins, [http://inequality.org/nitpicking-piketty/ Nit-Picking Piketty] (2015)
** At [http://events.mediasite.com/Mediasite/Play/b6d6725ea1df49c896fc82465f732e9b1d ASSA], 01:40:27

==R==
* Even though philosophers should be in a position to discover the truth, which of them would take any interest in it? Each one knows well that his system is not better founded than the others, but he supports it because it is his. There is not a single one of them who, if he came to know the true and the false, would not prefer the falsehood that he had found to the truth discovered by another. Where is the philosopher who would not willingly deceive mankind for his own glory? Where is he who in the secret of his heart does not propose to himself any other object than to distinguish himself? Provided that he lifts himself above the vulgar, provided that he outshines the brilliance of his competitors, what does he demand more? The essential thing is to think differently from others. With believers he is an atheist; with atheists he would be a believer.
** [[Jean-Jacques Rousseau]], ''[[w:Emile, or On Education|Émile, or On Education]]'', book 4

== S ==
* For the intellectual class, expertise has usually been a service rendered, and sold, to the central authority of society. This is the ''trahison des clercs'' of which [[Julien Benda]] spoke in the 1920s. Expertise in foreign affairs, for example, has usually meant the legitimization of the conduct of foreign policy.
** [[Edward Said]], ''The World, the Text, and the Critic'' (1983), p. 2

* The intellectual origins of literary theory in Europe were, I think it is accurate to say, insurrectionary. The traditional university, the hegemony of determinism and positivism, the reification of ideological bourgeois “humanism,” the rigid barriers between academic specialties: it was powerful responses to all these that linked together such influential progenitors of today’s literary theorist as Saussure, [[w:Ferdinand de Saussure|Saussure]], [[Lukács]], [[Georges Bataille|Bataille]], [[Claude Lévi-Strauss|Lévi-Strauss]], [[Sigmund Freud|Freud]], [[Nietzsche]], and [[Karl Marx|Marx]]. Theory proposed itself as a synthesis overriding the petty fiefdoms within the world of intellectual production, and it was manifestly to be hoped as a result that all the domains of human activity could be seen, and lived, as a unity. … Literary theory, whether of the Left or the Right, has turned its back on these things. This can be considered, I think, the triumph of the ethic of professionalism. But it is no accident that the emergence of so narrowly defined a philosophy of pure textuality and critical noninterference has coincided with the ascendancy of [[w:Ronald Reagan|Reaganism]].
** [[Edward Said]], ''The World, the Text, and the Critic'' (1983), pp. 3-4.

* Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, because the stakes are so low.
** [[w:Sayre's Law|Sayre's Law]], attributed to Wallace Stanley Sayre (1905-1972), political scientist at Columbia University; attributed to others with minor wording variations.&lt;ref name=&quot;Keyes Quote Verifier&quot;&gt;{{cite book | url=https://books.google.co.nz/books?id=d6JZryGvfxYC&amp;pg=PA1&amp;lpg=PA1#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false | title=The Quote Verifier: Who Said What, Where, and When | publisher=St. Martin's Press | author=Keyes, Ralph | authorlink=Ralph Keyes (author) | year=2007 | pages=1 | isbn=1-4299-0617-0}}&lt;/ref&gt;

==T==
* Academia is to knowledge what prostitution is to love.
** [[Nassim N. Taleb]], ''The Bed of Procrustes: Philosophical and Practical Aphorisms'' (2010), p. 4.

==W==
* What the learned world tends to offer is one second-hand scrap of information illustrating ideas derived from another second-hand scrap of information. The second-handedness of the learned world is the secret of its mediocrity.
** [[Alfred North Whitehead]], “Technical Education,” in ''The Aims of Education and Other Essays'' (1929), p. 61.

==X==
* When we see a woman bartering beauty for gold, we look upon such a one as no other than a common prostitute; but she who rewards the passion of some worthy youth with it, gains at the same time our approbation and esteem. It is the very same with philosophy: he who sets it forth for public sale, to be disposed of to the highest bidder, is a sophist, a public prostitute.
** [[Xenophon]], [[Socrates]] in ''Memorabilia'', 1.6.11, T. Stanley, trans., p. 535

* To offer one’s beauty for money to all comers is called prostitution. … So is it with wisdom. Those who offer it to all comers for money are known as sophists, prostitutors of wisdom.
** [[Xenophon]], [[Socrates]] in ''Memorabilia'', 1.6.11

== See also ==
* [[Academic careerism]]
* [[Education]]
* [[W:Free education|Free education]]
* [[Intellectuals]]
* [[Knowledge]]
* [[Learning]]
* [[Liberal education]]
* [[W:Open education|Open education]]
* [[W:Open educational resources|Open educational resources]]
* [[w:Right to education|Right to education]]
* [[Teachers]]
* [[Tuition]]
* [[Universities]]
*[[Wisdom]]

==External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
{{Wiktionary|academia}}

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[[File:Rousseau Geneve.JPG|thumb|There is not a single one of them who, if he came to know the true and the false, would not prefer the falsehood that he had found to the truth discovered by another. ~ [[Jean-Jacques Rousseau]]]]

'''[[w:Academia|Academia]]''' (derives from Ancient Greek Ἀκαδημία) is the community of students and scholars engaged in [[higher education]] and [[research]]. Academia is the part of society, especially universities, that is connected with studying and thinking.
__NOTOC__
{{TOCalpha}}
==A==

* Like every '[[intellectual]]', a philosophy teacher is a [[Bourgeoisie|petty bourgeois]]. When he opens his mouth, it is petty-bourgeois [[ideology]] that speaks: its resources and ruses are infinite. 
** [[Louis Althusser]], ''[[Vladimir Lenin|Lenin]] and Philosophy and Other Writings'' (1971), p. 2

==B==

* The university, in a society ruled by public opinion, was to have been an island of intellectual freedom where all views were investigated without restriction. … But by consenting to play an active or “positive,” a participatory role in society, the university has become inundated and saturated with the backflow of society’s “problems.” Preoccupied with questions of Health, Sex, Race, War, academics make their reputations and their fortunes. … Any proposed reforms of liberal education which might bring the university into conflict with the whole of the U.S.A. are unthinkable. Increasingly, the people “inside” are identical in their appetites and motives with the people “outside” the university.
** [[Saul Bellow]], ''Introduction to [[The Closing of the American Mind]]'' (New York: 1988), p. 18.

* The more rigorously criticism historicizes a work of art, in the sense of lodging it in the context of the moment of its production, the less likely it becomes for criticism to be able to explain either its own subsequent interest in the work or the possibility of lay—that is, nonacademic—interest in reading it.
** [[Russell Berman]], ''Fiction Sets You Free: Literature, Liberty and Western Culture'' (2007), pp. 5-6.

*ACADEME, n. An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught.&lt;br&gt;ACADEMY, n. [from ACADEME] A modern school where football is taught.
** [[Ambrose Bierce]], ''The Cynic's Dictionary'' (1906); republished as ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911).

* The academies and universities satisfied Socrates’ demand to be fed in the prytaneum.
** [[Allan Bloom]], “Commerce and Culture,” ''Giants and Dwarfs'' (1990), p. 289.

* In academia, … an art historian, on being stirred to tears by the tenderness and serenity he detects in a work by a fourteenth-century Florentine painter, may end up writing a monograph, as irreproachable as it is bloodless, on the history of paint manufacture in the age of Giotto. It seems easier to respond to our enthusiasms by trading in facts than by investigating the more naive question of how and why we have been moved.
** [[Alain de Botton]], ''The Pleasures and Sorrows of Work'' (2009), pp. 27-29.

* There are certain inferior or second-rate minds, who seem only fit to become the receptacle, register, or storehouse of all the productions of other talents; they are plagiarists, translators, compilers; they never think, but tell you what other authors have thought; and as a selection of thoughts requires some inventive powers, theirs is ill-made and inaccurate, which induces them rather to make it large than excellent. They have no originality, and possess nothing of their own; they only know what they have learned, and only learn what the rest of the world does not wish to know; a useless and dry science, without any charm or profit, unfit for conversation, nor suitable to intercourse, like a coin which has no currency. We are astonished when we read them, as well as tired out by their conversation or their works. The nobility and the common herd mistake them for men of learning, but intelligent men rank them with pedants.
** [[Jean de La Bruyère]], ''Characters'', H. Van Laun, trans. (London: 1885) “Of Works of the Mind,” #62.

==C==
[[File:Billets de 5000.jpg|thumb|In academia it’s common to get sanctions like “no more female grad students” or “no more undergraduate teaching” or “please work at home for now.” These are mild punishments at best, but departments are unsure what other options they have—and universities don’t make it easy to fire professors. The institutions know that perpetrators generally have more resources than victims and are more likely to sue if they are fired. It is a good [[financial]] decision, then, to do nothing about a perpetrator, even if they are guilty. ~ [[w:Kathryn B. H. Clancy|Kathryn B. H. Clancy]]]]

* What I admire in the ancient philosophers is their desire to make their lives conform to their writings, a trait which we notice in [[Plato]], [[Theophrastus]] and many others. Practical morality was so truly their philosophy’s essence that many, such as [[w:Xenocrates|Xenocrates]], Polemon, and [[w:Speusippus|Speusippus]], were placed at the head of schools although they had written nothing at all. [[Socrates]] was none the less the foremost philosopher of his age, although he had not composed a single book or studied any other science than ethics.
** [[Nicolas Chamfort]], ''Maxims and Considerations'', E. P. Mathers, trans. (1926), #448

* Why don’t we do anything when we know about the perpetrators in our midst? So far, consequences for scientist-harassers are few and far between. In academia it’s common to get sanctions like “no more female grad students” or “no more undergraduate teaching” or “please work at home for now.” These are mild punishments at best, but departments are unsure what other options they have—and universities don’t make it easy to fire professors. The institutions know that perpetrators generally have more resources than victims and are more likely to sue if they are fired. It is a good [[financial]] decision, then, to do nothing about a perpetrator, even if they are guilty. 
** [[w:Kathryn B. H. Clancy|Kathryn B. H. Clancy]], [https://www.nationalgeographic.com/magazine/2018/05/sexual-harassment-science-me-too-essay/ &quot;Have the Sciences Had a #MeToo Moment? Not So Much.&quot;], ''National Geographic'', (05/2018).

==D==

* From my childhood, I have been familiar with letters; and as I was given to believe that by their help a clear and certain knowledge of all that is useful in life might be acquired, I was ardently desirous of instruction. But as soon as I had finished the entire course of study, at the close of which it is customary to be admitted into the order of the learned, I completely changed my opinion. For I found myself involved in so many doubts and errors, that I was convinced I had advanced no farther in all my attempts at learning, than the discovery at every turn of my own ignorance. And yet I was studying in one of the most celebrated Schools in Europe, in which I thought there must be learned men, if such were anywhere to be found.
** [[René Descartes]], ''[[Discourse on Method]]'', J. Veitch, trans. (1899), p. 4.

* ''Homo academicus'' is a herd animal.
** [[w:William Desmond (philosopher)|William Desmond]] in Christopher Ben Simpson, [http://journal.radicalorthodoxy.org/index.php/ROTPP/article/viewFile/62/10 &quot;Between God and Metaphysics: An Interview with William Desmond&quot;], ''Radical Orthodoxy: Theology, Philosophy, Politics'', Vol. 1, Numbers 1 &amp; 2 (August 2012), p. 364.

==E==
* Numerous are the academic chairs, but rare are [[wise]] and [[noble]] [[teachers]]. Numerous and large are the lecture halls, but far from numerous the [[young]] men who genuinely thirst for [[truth]] and [[justice]]. Numerous are the wares that nature produces by the dozen, but her choice products are few.
** [[Albert Einstein]], “On Academic Freedom,” ''Ideas and Opinions'' (1954).

==J==

* Today's banalities apparently gain in profundity if one states that the wisdom of the past, for all its virtues, belongs to the past. The arrogance of those who come later preens itself with the notion that the past is dead and gone. ... The modern mind can no longer think thought, only can locate it in time and space. The activity of thinking decays to the passivity of classifying.
** [[Russell Jacoby]], ''Social Amnesia'' (1975), p. 1

* The application of planned obsolescence to thought itself has the same merit as its application to consumer goods; the new is not only shoddier than the old, it fuels an obsolete social system that staves off its replacement by manufacturing the illusion that it is perpetually new.
** [[Russell Jacoby]], ''Social Amnesia'' (1975), p. xvii

* [[Friedrich Nietzsche|Nietzsche’s]] ideas and plans: for example, the idea of giving up the whole wretched academic world to form a secular monastic community.
** [[Karl Jaspers]], ''[[Nietzsche]]'', C. Walraff and F. Schmitz, trans. (Baltimore: 1997).

==L==
* It is the capitalist class that pays you, that feeds you, that puts the very clothes on your backs that you are wearing tonight. And in return you preach to your employers the brands of metaphysics that are especially acceptable to them; and the especially acceptable brands are acceptable because they do not menace the established order of society. ... You are sincere. You preach what you believe. There lies your strength and your value&amp;mdash;to the capitalist class. But should you change your belief to something that menaces the established order, your preaching would be unacceptable to your employers, and you would be discharged. ... Your hands are soft with the work others have performed for you. Your stomachs are round with the plenitude of eating. ... And your minds are filled with doctrines that are buttresses of the established order. You are as much mercenaries (sincere mercenaries, I grant) as were the men of the [[w:Swiss Guards|Swiss Guard]]. 
** [[Jack London]], Ernest Everhard addressing a group of academics, in ''[[s:The Iron Heel|The Iron Heel]]'' (1908), Chapter 1

* When one of [[Ludwig Feuerbach|Feuerbach’s]] friends attempts to get him an academic position, Feuerbach writes to him: “The more people make of me, the less I am, and vice versa. I am … something only so long as I am nothing.”
** [[Karl Löwith]], ''From [[Hegel]] to [[Nietzsche]]'', D. Green, trans. (1964), pp. 68-69.

== M ==

* To overcome the academic prose you have first to overcome the academic pose.
** [[C. Wright Mills]], ''The Sociological Imagination'' (1959).

==N==
* One should observe our scholars closely: they have reached the point where they think only “reactively,” i.e. they must read before they can think.
** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], ''The Will to Power'', § 916, cited in [[Walter Kaufmann]], ''Nietzsche'', p. 419

==P==

* [[w:David Halperin|Halperin's]] final essay, &quot;Why Is Diotima a Woman?&quot;, has inspired the title of my article. Here we have one of the great junk bonds of the fast-track academic era, whose unbridled greed for fame and power was intimately in sync with parallel developments on Wall Street. This is yuppie entrepreneurship at its height. It's scholarship skating on a gold credit card, sweeping up everything in its path and dropping it unsorted and uncomprehended in a heap in the boutique window. Its inner bonds too are junk: the logic is specious and its claims counterfeit. … Nothing is thought through or developed in a sensible, plausible way. All energy goes toward show, pretense, posing.
** [[Camille Paglia]], reviewing David Halperin’s ''One Hundred Years of Homosexuality'', “Junk Bonds and Corporate Raiders: Academe in the Hour of the Wolf,” ''Arion'', Third Series, Vol. 1, No. 2 (Spring, 1991), pp. 158-159

* Academe has become a [[multinational corporation]], and scholars have become businessmen, mobile merchants on the make.
** [[Camille Paglia]], “Junk Bonds and Corporate Raiders: Academe in the Hour of the Wolf,” ''Arion'', Third Series, Vol. 1, No. 2 (Spring, 1991), p. 172

* Today's academic leftists are strutting wannabes, timorous nerds who missed the Sixties while they were grade-grubbing in the library and brown-nosing the senior faculty. Their politics came to them late, secondhand, and special delivery via the Parisian import craze of the Seventies. These people have risen to the top not by challenging the system but by smoothly adapting themselves to it. They're company men, Rosencrantz and Guildensterns, privileged opportunists who rode the wave of fashion.
** [[Camille Paglia]], “Junk Bonds and Corporate Raiders: Academe in the Hour of the Wolf,” ''Arion'', Third Series, Vol. 1, No. 2 (Spring, 1991), pp. 176-177

* We know something about billionaire consumption, but it is hard to measure some of it. Some billionaires are consuming politicians, others consume reporters, and some consume academics.
** [[Thomas Piketty]], quoted in Chuck Coliins, [http://inequality.org/nitpicking-piketty/ Nit-Picking Piketty] (2015)
** At [http://events.mediasite.com/Mediasite/Play/b6d6725ea1df49c896fc82465f732e9b1d ASSA], 01:40:27

==R==
* Even though philosophers should be in a position to discover the truth, which of them would take any interest in it? Each one knows well that his system is not better founded than the others, but he supports it because it is his. There is not a single one of them who, if he came to know the true and the false, would not prefer the falsehood that he had found to the truth discovered by another. Where is the philosopher who would not willingly deceive mankind for his own glory? Where is he who in the secret of his heart does not propose to himself any other object than to distinguish himself? Provided that he lifts himself above the vulgar, provided that he outshines the brilliance of his competitors, what does he demand more? The essential thing is to think differently from others. With believers he is an atheist; with atheists he would be a believer.
** [[Jean-Jacques Rousseau]], ''[[w:Emile, or On Education|Émile, or On Education]]'', book 4

== S ==
* For the intellectual class, expertise has usually been a service rendered, and sold, to the central authority of society. This is the ''trahison des clercs'' of which [[Julien Benda]] spoke in the 1920s. Expertise in foreign affairs, for example, has usually meant the legitimization of the conduct of foreign policy.
** [[Edward Said]], ''The World, the Text, and the Critic'' (1983), p. 2

* The intellectual origins of literary theory in Europe were, I think it is accurate to say, insurrectionary. The traditional university, the hegemony of determinism and positivism, the reification of ideological bourgeois “humanism,” the rigid barriers between academic specialties: it was powerful responses to all these that linked together such influential progenitors of today’s literary theorist as Saussure, [[w:Ferdinand de Saussure|Saussure]], [[Lukács]], [[Georges Bataille|Bataille]], [[Claude Lévi-Strauss|Lévi-Strauss]], [[Sigmund Freud|Freud]], [[Nietzsche]], and [[Karl Marx|Marx]]. Theory proposed itself as a synthesis overriding the petty fiefdoms within the world of intellectual production, and it was manifestly to be hoped as a result that all the domains of human activity could be seen, and lived, as a unity. … Literary theory, whether of the Left or the Right, has turned its back on these things. This can be considered, I think, the triumph of the ethic of professionalism. But it is no accident that the emergence of so narrowly defined a philosophy of pure textuality and critical noninterference has coincided with the ascendancy of [[w:Ronald Reagan|Reaganism]].
** [[Edward Said]], ''The World, the Text, and the Critic'' (1983), pp. 3-4.

* Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, because the stakes are so low.
** [[w:Sayre's Law|Sayre's Law]], attributed to Wallace Stanley Sayre (1905-1972), political scientist at Columbia University; attributed to others with minor wording variations.&lt;ref name=&quot;Keyes Quote Verifier&quot;&gt;{{cite book | url=https://books.google.co.nz/books?id=d6JZryGvfxYC&amp;pg=PA1&amp;lpg=PA1#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false | title=The Quote Verifier: Who Said What, Where, and When | publisher=St. Martin's Press | author=Keyes, Ralph | authorlink=Ralph Keyes (author) | year=2007 | pages=1 | isbn=1-4299-0617-0}}&lt;/ref&gt;

==T==
* Academia is to knowledge what prostitution is to love.
** [[Nassim N. Taleb]], ''The Bed of Procrustes: Philosophical and Practical Aphorisms'' (2010), p. 4.

==W==
* What the learned world tends to offer is one second-hand scrap of information illustrating ideas derived from another second-hand scrap of information. The second-handedness of the learned world is the secret of its mediocrity.
** [[Alfred North Whitehead]], “Technical Education,” in ''The Aims of Education and Other Essays'' (1929), p. 61.

==X==
* When we see a woman bartering beauty for gold, we look upon such a one as no other than a common prostitute; but she who rewards the passion of some worthy youth with it, gains at the same time our approbation and esteem. It is the very same with philosophy: he who sets it forth for public sale, to be disposed of to the highest bidder, is a sophist, a public prostitute.
** [[Xenophon]], [[Socrates]] in ''Memorabilia'', 1.6.11, T. Stanley, trans., p. 535

* To offer one’s beauty for money to all comers is called prostitution. … So is it with wisdom. Those who offer it to all comers for money are known as sophists, prostitutors of wisdom.
** [[Xenophon]], [[Socrates]] in ''Memorabilia'', 1.6.11

== See also ==
* [[Academic careerism]]
* [[Education]]
* [[W:Free education|Free education]]
* [[Intellectuals]]
* [[Knowledge]]
* [[Learning]]
* [[Liberal education]]
* [[W:Open education|Open education]]
* [[W:Open educational resources|Open educational resources]]
* [[w:Right to education|Right to education]]
* [[Teachers]]
* [[Tuition]]
* [[Universities]]
*[[Wisdom]]

==External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
{{Wiktionary|academia}}

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      <text bytes="18406" xml:space="preserve">[[File:1911 Solvay conference.jpg|thumb|When we see a woman bartering beauty for gold, we look upon such a one as no other than a common prostitute; but she who rewards the passion of some worthy youth with it, gains at the same time our approbation and esteem. It is the very same with philosophy: he who sets it forth for public sale, to be disposed of to the highest bidder, is a sophist, a public prostitute. ~ [[Xenophon]]]]

[[File:Rousseau Geneve.JPG|thumb|There is not a single one of them who, if he came to know the true and the false, would not prefer the falsehood that he had found to the truth discovered by another. ~ [[Jean-Jacques Rousseau]]]]
'''[[w:Academia|Academia]]''' is the community of students and scholars engaged in [[higher education]] and [[research]].
__NOTOC__
{{TOCalpha}}
==A==
* Like every '[[intellectual]]', a philosophy teacher is a [[Bourgeoisie|petty bourgeois]]. When he opens his mouth, it is petty-bourgeois [[ideology]] that speaks: its resources and ruses are infinite. 
** [[Louis Althusser]], ''[[Vladimir Lenin|Lenin]] and Philosophy and Other Writings'' (1971), p. 2

==B==

* The university, in a society ruled by public opinion, was to have been an island of intellectual freedom where all views were investigated without restriction. … But by consenting to play an active or “positive,” a participatory role in society, the university has become inundated and saturated with the backflow of society’s “problems.” Preoccupied with questions of Health, Sex, Race, War, academics make their reputations and their fortunes. … Any proposed reforms of liberal education which might bring the university into conflict with the whole of the U.S.A. are unthinkable. Increasingly, the people “inside” are identical in their appetites and motives with the people “outside” the university.
** [[Saul Bellow]], ''Introduction to [[The Closing of the American Mind]]'' (New York: 1988), p. 18.

* The more rigorously criticism historicizes a work of art, in the sense of lodging it in the context of the moment of its production, the less likely it becomes for criticism to be able to explain either its own subsequent interest in the work or the possibility of lay—that is, nonacademic—interest in reading it.
** [[Russell Berman]], ''Fiction Sets You Free: Literature, Liberty and Western Culture'' (2007), pp. 5-6.

*ACADEME, n. An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught.&lt;br&gt;ACADEMY, n. [from ACADEME] A modern school where football is taught.
** [[Ambrose Bierce]], ''The Cynic's Dictionary'' (1906); republished as ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911).

* The academies and universities satisfied Socrates’ demand to be fed in the prytaneum.
** [[Allan Bloom]], “Commerce and Culture,” ''Giants and Dwarfs'' (1990), p. 289.

* In academia, … an art historian, on being stirred to tears by the tenderness and serenity he detects in a work by a fourteenth-century Florentine painter, may end up writing a monograph, as irreproachable as it is bloodless, on the history of paint manufacture in the age of Giotto. It seems easier to respond to our enthusiasms by trading in facts than by investigating the more naive question of how and why we have been moved.
** [[Alain de Botton]], ''The Pleasures and Sorrows of Work'' (2009), pp. 27-29.

* There are certain inferior or second-rate minds, who seem only fit to become the receptacle, register, or storehouse of all the productions of other talents; they are plagiarists, translators, compilers; they never think, but tell you what other authors have thought; and as a selection of thoughts requires some inventive powers, theirs is ill-made and inaccurate, which induces them rather to make it large than excellent. They have no originality, and possess nothing of their own; they only know what they have learned, and only learn what the rest of the world does not wish to know; a useless and dry science, without any charm or profit, unfit for conversation, nor suitable to intercourse, like a coin which has no currency. We are astonished when we read them, as well as tired out by their conversation or their works. The nobility and the common herd mistake them for men of learning, but intelligent men rank them with pedants.
** [[Jean de La Bruyère]], ''Characters'', H. Van Laun, trans. (London: 1885) “Of Works of the Mind,” #62.

==C==
[[File:Billets de 5000.jpg|thumb|In academia it’s common to get sanctions like “no more female grad students” or “no more undergraduate teaching” or “please work at home for now.” These are mild punishments at best, but departments are unsure what other options they have—and universities don’t make it easy to fire professors. The institutions know that perpetrators generally have more resources than victims and are more likely to sue if they are fired. It is a good [[financial]] decision, then, to do nothing about a perpetrator, even if they are guilty. ~ [[w:Kathryn B. H. Clancy|Kathryn B. H. Clancy]]]]

* What I admire in the ancient philosophers is their desire to make their lives conform to their writings, a trait which we notice in [[Plato]], [[Theophrastus]] and many others. Practical morality was so truly their philosophy’s essence that many, such as [[w:Xenocrates|Xenocrates]], Polemon, and [[w:Speusippus|Speusippus]], were placed at the head of schools although they had written nothing at all. [[Socrates]] was none the less the foremost philosopher of his age, although he had not composed a single book or studied any other science than ethics.
** [[Nicolas Chamfort]], ''Maxims and Considerations'', E. P. Mathers, trans. (1926), #448

* Why don’t we do anything when we know about the perpetrators in our midst? So far, consequences for scientist-harassers are few and far between. In academia it’s common to get sanctions like “no more female grad students” or “no more undergraduate teaching” or “please work at home for now.” These are mild punishments at best, but departments are unsure what other options they have—and universities don’t make it easy to fire professors. The institutions know that perpetrators generally have more resources than victims and are more likely to sue if they are fired. It is a good [[financial]] decision, then, to do nothing about a perpetrator, even if they are guilty. 
** [[w:Kathryn B. H. Clancy|Kathryn B. H. Clancy]], [https://www.nationalgeographic.com/magazine/2018/05/sexual-harassment-science-me-too-essay/ &quot;Have the Sciences Had a #MeToo Moment? Not So Much.&quot;], ''National Geographic'', (05/2018).

==D==

* From my childhood, I have been familiar with letters; and as I was given to believe that by their help a clear and certain knowledge of all that is useful in life might be acquired, I was ardently desirous of instruction. But as soon as I had finished the entire course of study, at the close of which it is customary to be admitted into the order of the learned, I completely changed my opinion. For I found myself involved in so many doubts and errors, that I was convinced I had advanced no farther in all my attempts at learning, than the discovery at every turn of my own ignorance. And yet I was studying in one of the most celebrated Schools in Europe, in which I thought there must be learned men, if such were anywhere to be found.
** [[René Descartes]], ''[[Discourse on Method]]'', J. Veitch, trans. (1899), p. 4.

* ''Homo academicus'' is a herd animal.
** [[w:William Desmond (philosopher)|William Desmond]] in Christopher Ben Simpson, [http://journal.radicalorthodoxy.org/index.php/ROTPP/article/viewFile/62/10 &quot;Between God and Metaphysics: An Interview with William Desmond&quot;], ''Radical Orthodoxy: Theology, Philosophy, Politics'', Vol. 1, Numbers 1 &amp; 2 (August 2012), p. 364.

==E==
* Numerous are the academic chairs, but rare are [[wise]] and [[noble]] [[teachers]]. Numerous and large are the lecture halls, but far from numerous the [[young]] men who genuinely thirst for [[truth]] and [[justice]]. Numerous are the wares that nature produces by the dozen, but her choice products are few.
** [[Albert Einstein]], “On Academic Freedom,” ''Ideas and Opinions'' (1954).

==J==

* Today's banalities apparently gain in profundity if one states that the wisdom of the past, for all its virtues, belongs to the past. The arrogance of those who come later preens itself with the notion that the past is dead and gone. ... The modern mind can no longer think thought, only can locate it in time and space. The activity of thinking decays to the passivity of classifying.
** [[Russell Jacoby]], ''Social Amnesia'' (1975), p. 1

* The application of planned obsolescence to thought itself has the same merit as its application to consumer goods; the new is not only shoddier than the old, it fuels an obsolete social system that staves off its replacement by manufacturing the illusion that it is perpetually new.
** [[Russell Jacoby]], ''Social Amnesia'' (1975), p. xvii

* [[Friedrich Nietzsche|Nietzsche’s]] ideas and plans: for example, the idea of giving up the whole wretched academic world to form a secular monastic community.
** [[Karl Jaspers]], ''[[Nietzsche]]'', C. Walraff and F. Schmitz, trans. (Baltimore: 1997).

==L==
* It is the capitalist class that pays you, that feeds you, that puts the very clothes on your backs that you are wearing tonight. And in return you preach to your employers the brands of metaphysics that are especially acceptable to them; and the especially acceptable brands are acceptable because they do not menace the established order of society. ... You are sincere. You preach what you believe. There lies your strength and your value&amp;mdash;to the capitalist class. But should you change your belief to something that menaces the established order, your preaching would be unacceptable to your employers, and you would be discharged. ... Your hands are soft with the work others have performed for you. Your stomachs are round with the plenitude of eating. ... And your minds are filled with doctrines that are buttresses of the established order. You are as much mercenaries (sincere mercenaries, I grant) as were the men of the [[w:Swiss Guards|Swiss Guard]]. 
** [[Jack London]], Ernest Everhard addressing a group of academics, in ''[[s:The Iron Heel|The Iron Heel]]'' (1908), Chapter 1

* When one of [[Ludwig Feuerbach|Feuerbach’s]] friends attempts to get him an academic position, Feuerbach writes to him: “The more people make of me, the less I am, and vice versa. I am … something only so long as I am nothing.”
** [[Karl Löwith]], ''From [[Hegel]] to [[Nietzsche]]'', D. Green, trans. (1964), pp. 68-69.

== M ==

* To overcome the academic prose you have first to overcome the academic pose.
** [[C. Wright Mills]], ''The Sociological Imagination'' (1959).

==N==
* One should observe our scholars closely: they have reached the point where they think only “reactively,” i.e. they must read before they can think.
** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], ''The Will to Power'', § 916, cited in [[Walter Kaufmann]], ''Nietzsche'', p. 419

==P==

* [[w:David Halperin|Halperin's]] final essay, &quot;Why Is Diotima a Woman?&quot;, has inspired the title of my article. Here we have one of the great junk bonds of the fast-track academic era, whose unbridled greed for fame and power was intimately in sync with parallel developments on Wall Street. This is yuppie entrepreneurship at its height. It's scholarship skating on a gold credit card, sweeping up everything in its path and dropping it unsorted and uncomprehended in a heap in the boutique window. Its inner bonds too are junk: the logic is specious and its claims counterfeit. … Nothing is thought through or developed in a sensible, plausible way. All energy goes toward show, pretense, posing.
** [[Camille Paglia]], reviewing David Halperin’s ''One Hundred Years of Homosexuality'', “Junk Bonds and Corporate Raiders: Academe in the Hour of the Wolf,” ''Arion'', Third Series, Vol. 1, No. 2 (Spring, 1991), pp. 158-159

* Academe has become a [[multinational corporation]], and scholars have become businessmen, mobile merchants on the make.
** [[Camille Paglia]], “Junk Bonds and Corporate Raiders: Academe in the Hour of the Wolf,” ''Arion'', Third Series, Vol. 1, No. 2 (Spring, 1991), p. 172

* Today's academic leftists are strutting wannabes, timorous nerds who missed the Sixties while they were grade-grubbing in the library and brown-nosing the senior faculty. Their politics came to them late, secondhand, and special delivery via the Parisian import craze of the Seventies. These people have risen to the top not by challenging the system but by smoothly adapting themselves to it. They're company men, Rosencrantz and Guildensterns, privileged opportunists who rode the wave of fashion.
** [[Camille Paglia]], “Junk Bonds and Corporate Raiders: Academe in the Hour of the Wolf,” ''Arion'', Third Series, Vol. 1, No. 2 (Spring, 1991), pp. 176-177

* We know something about billionaire consumption, but it is hard to measure some of it. Some billionaires are consuming politicians, others consume reporters, and some consume academics.
** [[Thomas Piketty]], quoted in Chuck Coliins, [http://inequality.org/nitpicking-piketty/ Nit-Picking Piketty] (2015)
** At [http://events.mediasite.com/Mediasite/Play/b6d6725ea1df49c896fc82465f732e9b1d ASSA], 01:40:27

==R==
* Even though philosophers should be in a position to discover the truth, which of them would take any interest in it? Each one knows well that his system is not better founded than the others, but he supports it because it is his. There is not a single one of them who, if he came to know the true and the false, would not prefer the falsehood that he had found to the truth discovered by another. Where is the philosopher who would not willingly deceive mankind for his own glory? Where is he who in the secret of his heart does not propose to himself any other object than to distinguish himself? Provided that he lifts himself above the vulgar, provided that he outshines the brilliance of his competitors, what does he demand more? The essential thing is to think differently from others. With believers he is an atheist; with atheists he would be a believer.
** [[Jean-Jacques Rousseau]], ''[[w:Emile, or On Education|Émile, or On Education]]'', book 4

== S ==
* For the intellectual class, expertise has usually been a service rendered, and sold, to the central authority of society. This is the ''trahison des clercs'' of which [[Julien Benda]] spoke in the 1920s. Expertise in foreign affairs, for example, has usually meant the legitimization of the conduct of foreign policy.
** [[Edward Said]], ''The World, the Text, and the Critic'' (1983), p. 2

* The intellectual origins of literary theory in Europe were, I think it is accurate to say, insurrectionary. The traditional university, the hegemony of determinism and positivism, the reification of ideological bourgeois “humanism,” the rigid barriers between academic specialties: it was powerful responses to all these that linked together such influential progenitors of today’s literary theorist as Saussure, [[w:Ferdinand de Saussure|Saussure]], [[Lukács]], [[Georges Bataille|Bataille]], [[Claude Lévi-Strauss|Lévi-Strauss]], [[Sigmund Freud|Freud]], [[Nietzsche]], and [[Karl Marx|Marx]]. Theory proposed itself as a synthesis overriding the petty fiefdoms within the world of intellectual production, and it was manifestly to be hoped as a result that all the domains of human activity could be seen, and lived, as a unity. … Literary theory, whether of the Left or the Right, has turned its back on these things. This can be considered, I think, the triumph of the ethic of professionalism. But it is no accident that the emergence of so narrowly defined a philosophy of pure textuality and critical noninterference has coincided with the ascendancy of [[w:Ronald Reagan|Reaganism]].
** [[Edward Said]], ''The World, the Text, and the Critic'' (1983), pp. 3-4.

* Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, because the stakes are so low.
** [[w:Sayre's Law|Sayre's Law]], attributed to Wallace Stanley Sayre (1905-1972), political scientist at Columbia University; attributed to others with minor wording variations.&lt;ref name=&quot;Keyes Quote Verifier&quot;&gt;{{cite book | url=https://books.google.co.nz/books?id=d6JZryGvfxYC&amp;pg=PA1&amp;lpg=PA1#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false | title=The Quote Verifier: Who Said What, Where, and When | publisher=St. Martin's Press | author=Keyes, Ralph | authorlink=Ralph Keyes (author) | year=2007 | pages=1 | isbn=1-4299-0617-0}}&lt;/ref&gt;

==T==
* Academia is to knowledge what prostitution is to love.
** [[Nassim N. Taleb]], ''The Bed of Procrustes: Philosophical and Practical Aphorisms'' (2010), p. 4.

==W==
* What the learned world tends to offer is one second-hand scrap of information illustrating ideas derived from another second-hand scrap of information. The second-handedness of the learned world is the secret of its mediocrity.
** [[Alfred North Whitehead]], “Technical Education,” in ''The Aims of Education and Other Essays'' (1929), p. 61.

==X==
* When we see a woman bartering beauty for gold, we look upon such a one as no other than a common prostitute; but she who rewards the passion of some worthy youth with it, gains at the same time our approbation and esteem. It is the very same with philosophy: he who sets it forth for public sale, to be disposed of to the highest bidder, is a sophist, a public prostitute.
** [[Xenophon]], [[Socrates]] in ''Memorabilia'', 1.6.11, T. Stanley, trans., p. 535

* To offer one’s beauty for money to all comers is called prostitution. … So is it with wisdom. Those who offer it to all comers for money are known as sophists, prostitutors of wisdom.
** [[Xenophon]], [[Socrates]] in ''Memorabilia'', 1.6.11

== See also ==
* [[Academic careerism]]
* [[Education]]
* [[W:Free education|Free education]]
* [[Intellectuals]]
* [[Knowledge]]
* [[Learning]]
* [[Liberal education]]
* [[W:Open education|Open education]]
* [[W:Open educational resources|Open educational resources]]
* [[w:Right to education|Right to education]]
* [[Teachers]]
* [[Tuition]]
* [[Universities]]
*[[Wisdom]]

==External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
{{Wiktionary|academia}}

[[Category:Education]]
[[Category:Society]]</text>
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      <text bytes="18560" xml:space="preserve">[[File:1911 Solvay conference.jpg|thumb|When we see a woman bartering beauty for gold, we look upon such a one as no other than a common prostitute; but she who rewards the passion of some worthy youth with it, gains at the same time our approbation and esteem. It is the very same with philosophy: he who sets it forth for public sale, to be disposed of to the highest bidder, is a sophist, a public prostitute. ~ [[Xenophon]]]]


[[File:Rousseau Geneve.JPG|thumb|There is not a single one of them who, if he came to know the true and the false, would not prefer the falsehood that he had found to the truth discovered by another. ~ [[Jean-Jacques Rousseau]]]]

'''[[w:Academia|Academia]]''' (derives from Ancient Greek Ἀκαδημία) is the community of students and scholars engaged in [[higher education]] and [[research]]. Academia is the part of society, especially universities, that is connected with studying and thinking.
__NOTOC__
{{TOCalpha}}
==A==

* Like every '[[intellectual]]', a philosophy teacher is a [[Bourgeoisie|petty bourgeois]]. When he opens his mouth, it is petty-bourgeois [[ideology]] that speaks: its resources and ruses are infinite. 
** [[Louis Althusser]], ''[[Vladimir Lenin|Lenin]] and Philosophy and Other Writings'' (1971), p. 2

==B==

* The university, in a society ruled by public opinion, was to have been an island of intellectual freedom where all views were investigated without restriction. … But by consenting to play an active or “positive,” a participatory role in society, the university has become inundated and saturated with the backflow of society’s “problems.” Preoccupied with questions of Health, Sex, Race, War, academics make their reputations and their fortunes. … Any proposed reforms of liberal education which might bring the university into conflict with the whole of the U.S.A. are unthinkable. Increasingly, the people “inside” are identical in their appetites and motives with the people “outside” the university.
** [[Saul Bellow]], ''Introduction to [[The Closing of the American Mind]]'' (New York: 1988), p. 18.

* The more rigorously criticism historicizes a work of art, in the sense of lodging it in the context of the moment of its production, the less likely it becomes for criticism to be able to explain either its own subsequent interest in the work or the possibility of lay—that is, nonacademic—interest in reading it.
** [[Russell Berman]], ''Fiction Sets You Free: Literature, Liberty and Western Culture'' (2007), pp. 5-6.

*ACADEME, n. An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught.&lt;br&gt;ACADEMY, n. [from ACADEME] A modern school where football is taught.
** [[Ambrose Bierce]], ''The Cynic's Dictionary'' (1906); republished as ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911).

* The academies and universities satisfied Socrates’ demand to be fed in the prytaneum.
** [[Allan Bloom]], “Commerce and Culture,” ''Giants and Dwarfs'' (1990), p. 289.

* In academia, … an art historian, on being stirred to tears by the tenderness and serenity he detects in a work by a fourteenth-century Florentine painter, may end up writing a monograph, as irreproachable as it is bloodless, on the history of paint manufacture in the age of Giotto. It seems easier to respond to our enthusiasms by trading in facts than by investigating the more naive question of how and why we have been moved.
** [[Alain de Botton]], ''The Pleasures and Sorrows of Work'' (2009), pp. 27-29.

* There are certain inferior or second-rate minds, who seem only fit to become the receptacle, register, or storehouse of all the productions of other talents; they are plagiarists, translators, compilers; they never think, but tell you what other authors have thought; and as a selection of thoughts requires some inventive powers, theirs is ill-made and inaccurate, which induces them rather to make it large than excellent. They have no originality, and possess nothing of their own; they only know what they have learned, and only learn what the rest of the world does not wish to know; a useless and dry science, without any charm or profit, unfit for conversation, nor suitable to intercourse, like a coin which has no currency. We are astonished when we read them, as well as tired out by their conversation or their works. The nobility and the common herd mistake them for men of learning, but intelligent men rank them with pedants.
** [[Jean de La Bruyère]], ''Characters'', H. Van Laun, trans. (London: 1885) “Of Works of the Mind,” #62.

==C==
[[File:Billets de 5000.jpg|thumb|In academia it’s common to get sanctions like “no more female grad students” or “no more undergraduate teaching” or “please work at home for now.” These are mild punishments at best, but departments are unsure what other options they have—and universities don’t make it easy to fire professors. The institutions know that perpetrators generally have more resources than victims and are more likely to sue if they are fired. It is a good [[financial]] decision, then, to do nothing about a perpetrator, even if they are guilty. ~ [[w:Kathryn B. H. Clancy|Kathryn B. H. Clancy]]]]

* What I admire in the ancient philosophers is their desire to make their lives conform to their writings, a trait which we notice in [[Plato]], [[Theophrastus]] and many others. Practical morality was so truly their philosophy’s essence that many, such as [[w:Xenocrates|Xenocrates]], Polemon, and [[w:Speusippus|Speusippus]], were placed at the head of schools although they had written nothing at all. [[Socrates]] was none the less the foremost philosopher of his age, although he had not composed a single book or studied any other science than ethics.
** [[Nicolas Chamfort]], ''Maxims and Considerations'', E. P. Mathers, trans. (1926), #448

* Why don’t we do anything when we know about the perpetrators in our midst? So far, consequences for scientist-harassers are few and far between. In academia it’s common to get sanctions like “no more female grad students” or “no more undergraduate teaching” or “please work at home for now.” These are mild punishments at best, but departments are unsure what other options they have—and universities don’t make it easy to fire professors. The institutions know that perpetrators generally have more resources than victims and are more likely to sue if they are fired. It is a good [[financial]] decision, then, to do nothing about a perpetrator, even if they are guilty. 
** [[w:Kathryn B. H. Clancy|Kathryn B. H. Clancy]], [https://www.nationalgeographic.com/magazine/2018/05/sexual-harassment-science-me-too-essay/ &quot;Have the Sciences Had a #MeToo Moment? Not So Much.&quot;], ''National Geographic'', (05/2018).

==D==

* From my childhood, I have been familiar with letters; and as I was given to believe that by their help a clear and certain knowledge of all that is useful in life might be acquired, I was ardently desirous of instruction. But as soon as I had finished the entire course of study, at the close of which it is customary to be admitted into the order of the learned, I completely changed my opinion. For I found myself involved in so many doubts and errors, that I was convinced I had advanced no farther in all my attempts at learning, than the discovery at every turn of my own ignorance. And yet I was studying in one of the most celebrated Schools in Europe, in which I thought there must be learned men, if such were anywhere to be found.
** [[René Descartes]], ''[[Discourse on Method]]'', J. Veitch, trans. (1899), p. 4.

* ''Homo academicus'' is a herd animal.
** [[w:William Desmond (philosopher)|William Desmond]] in Christopher Ben Simpson, [http://journal.radicalorthodoxy.org/index.php/ROTPP/article/viewFile/62/10 &quot;Between God and Metaphysics: An Interview with William Desmond&quot;], ''Radical Orthodoxy: Theology, Philosophy, Politics'', Vol. 1, Numbers 1 &amp; 2 (August 2012), p. 364.

==E==
* Numerous are the academic chairs, but rare are [[wise]] and [[noble]] [[teachers]]. Numerous and large are the lecture halls, but far from numerous the [[young]] men who genuinely thirst for [[truth]] and [[justice]]. Numerous are the wares that nature produces by the dozen, but her choice products are few.
** [[Albert Einstein]], “On Academic Freedom,” ''Ideas and Opinions'' (1954).

==J==

* Today's banalities apparently gain in profundity if one states that the wisdom of the past, for all its virtues, belongs to the past. The arrogance of those who come later preens itself with the notion that the past is dead and gone. ... The modern mind can no longer think thought, only can locate it in time and space. The activity of thinking decays to the passivity of classifying.
** [[Russell Jacoby]], ''Social Amnesia'' (1975), p. 1

* The application of planned obsolescence to thought itself has the same merit as its application to consumer goods; the new is not only shoddier than the old, it fuels an obsolete social system that staves off its replacement by manufacturing the illusion that it is perpetually new.
** [[Russell Jacoby]], ''Social Amnesia'' (1975), p. xvii

* [[Friedrich Nietzsche|Nietzsche’s]] ideas and plans: for example, the idea of giving up the whole wretched academic world to form a secular monastic community.
** [[Karl Jaspers]], ''[[Nietzsche]]'', C. Walraff and F. Schmitz, trans. (Baltimore: 1997).

==L==
* It is the capitalist class that pays you, that feeds you, that puts the very clothes on your backs that you are wearing tonight. And in return you preach to your employers the brands of metaphysics that are especially acceptable to them; and the especially acceptable brands are acceptable because they do not menace the established order of society. ... You are sincere. You preach what you believe. There lies your strength and your value&amp;mdash;to the capitalist class. But should you change your belief to something that menaces the established order, your preaching would be unacceptable to your employers, and you would be discharged. ... Your hands are soft with the work others have performed for you. Your stomachs are round with the plenitude of eating. ... And your minds are filled with doctrines that are buttresses of the established order. You are as much mercenaries (sincere mercenaries, I grant) as were the men of the [[w:Swiss Guards|Swiss Guard]]. 
** [[Jack London]], Ernest Everhard addressing a group of academics, in ''[[s:The Iron Heel|The Iron Heel]]'' (1908), Chapter 1

* When one of [[Ludwig Feuerbach|Feuerbach’s]] friends attempts to get him an academic position, Feuerbach writes to him: “The more people make of me, the less I am, and vice versa. I am … something only so long as I am nothing.”
** [[Karl Löwith]], ''From [[Hegel]] to [[Nietzsche]]'', D. Green, trans. (1964), pp. 68-69.

== M ==

* To overcome the academic prose you have first to overcome the academic pose.
** [[C. Wright Mills]], ''The Sociological Imagination'' (1959).

==N==
* One should observe our scholars closely: they have reached the point where they think only “reactively,” i.e. they must read before they can think.
** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], ''The Will to Power'', § 916, cited in [[Walter Kaufmann]], ''Nietzsche'', p. 419

==P==

* [[w:David Halperin|Halperin's]] final essay, &quot;Why Is Diotima a Woman?&quot;, has inspired the title of my article. Here we have one of the great junk bonds of the fast-track academic era, whose unbridled greed for fame and power was intimately in sync with parallel developments on Wall Street. This is yuppie entrepreneurship at its height. It's scholarship skating on a gold credit card, sweeping up everything in its path and dropping it unsorted and uncomprehended in a heap in the boutique window. Its inner bonds too are junk: the logic is specious and its claims counterfeit. … Nothing is thought through or developed in a sensible, plausible way. All energy goes toward show, pretense, posing.
** [[Camille Paglia]], reviewing David Halperin’s ''One Hundred Years of Homosexuality'', “Junk Bonds and Corporate Raiders: Academe in the Hour of the Wolf,” ''Arion'', Third Series, Vol. 1, No. 2 (Spring, 1991), pp. 158-159

* Academe has become a [[multinational corporation]], and scholars have become businessmen, mobile merchants on the make.
** [[Camille Paglia]], “Junk Bonds and Corporate Raiders: Academe in the Hour of the Wolf,” ''Arion'', Third Series, Vol. 1, No. 2 (Spring, 1991), p. 172

* Today's academic leftists are strutting wannabes, timorous nerds who missed the Sixties while they were grade-grubbing in the library and brown-nosing the senior faculty. Their politics came to them late, secondhand, and special delivery via the Parisian import craze of the Seventies. These people have risen to the top not by challenging the system but by smoothly adapting themselves to it. They're company men, Rosencrantz and Guildensterns, privileged opportunists who rode the wave of fashion.
** [[Camille Paglia]], “Junk Bonds and Corporate Raiders: Academe in the Hour of the Wolf,” ''Arion'', Third Series, Vol. 1, No. 2 (Spring, 1991), pp. 176-177

* We know something about billionaire consumption, but it is hard to measure some of it. Some billionaires are consuming politicians, others consume reporters, and some consume academics.
** [[Thomas Piketty]], quoted in Chuck Coliins, [http://inequality.org/nitpicking-piketty/ Nit-Picking Piketty] (2015)
** At [http://events.mediasite.com/Mediasite/Play/b6d6725ea1df49c896fc82465f732e9b1d ASSA], 01:40:27

==R==
* Even though philosophers should be in a position to discover the truth, which of them would take any interest in it? Each one knows well that his system is not better founded than the others, but he supports it because it is his. There is not a single one of them who, if he came to know the true and the false, would not prefer the falsehood that he had found to the truth discovered by another. Where is the philosopher who would not willingly deceive mankind for his own glory? Where is he who in the secret of his heart does not propose to himself any other object than to distinguish himself? Provided that he lifts himself above the vulgar, provided that he outshines the brilliance of his competitors, what does he demand more? The essential thing is to think differently from others. With believers he is an atheist; with atheists he would be a believer.
** [[Jean-Jacques Rousseau]], ''[[w:Emile, or On Education|Émile, or On Education]]'', book 4

== S ==
* For the intellectual class, expertise has usually been a service rendered, and sold, to the central authority of society. This is the ''trahison des clercs'' of which [[Julien Benda]] spoke in the 1920s. Expertise in foreign affairs, for example, has usually meant the legitimization of the conduct of foreign policy.
** [[Edward Said]], ''The World, the Text, and the Critic'' (1983), p. 2

* The intellectual origins of literary theory in Europe were, I think it is accurate to say, insurrectionary. The traditional university, the hegemony of determinism and positivism, the reification of ideological bourgeois “humanism,” the rigid barriers between academic specialties: it was powerful responses to all these that linked together such influential progenitors of today’s literary theorist as Saussure, [[w:Ferdinand de Saussure|Saussure]], [[Lukács]], [[Georges Bataille|Bataille]], [[Claude Lévi-Strauss|Lévi-Strauss]], [[Sigmund Freud|Freud]], [[Nietzsche]], and [[Karl Marx|Marx]]. Theory proposed itself as a synthesis overriding the petty fiefdoms within the world of intellectual production, and it was manifestly to be hoped as a result that all the domains of human activity could be seen, and lived, as a unity. … Literary theory, whether of the Left or the Right, has turned its back on these things. This can be considered, I think, the triumph of the ethic of professionalism. But it is no accident that the emergence of so narrowly defined a philosophy of pure textuality and critical noninterference has coincided with the ascendancy of [[w:Ronald Reagan|Reaganism]].
** [[Edward Said]], ''The World, the Text, and the Critic'' (1983), pp. 3-4.

* Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, because the stakes are so low.
** [[w:Sayre's Law|Sayre's Law]], attributed to Wallace Stanley Sayre (1905-1972), political scientist at Columbia University; attributed to others with minor wording variations.&lt;ref name=&quot;Keyes Quote Verifier&quot;&gt;{{cite book | url=https://books.google.co.nz/books?id=d6JZryGvfxYC&amp;pg=PA1&amp;lpg=PA1#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false | title=The Quote Verifier: Who Said What, Where, and When | publisher=St. Martin's Press | author=Keyes, Ralph | authorlink=Ralph Keyes (author) | year=2007 | pages=1 | isbn=1-4299-0617-0}}&lt;/ref&gt;

==T==
* Academia is to knowledge what prostitution is to love.
** [[Nassim N. Taleb]], ''The Bed of Procrustes: Philosophical and Practical Aphorisms'' (2010), p. 4.

==W==
* What the learned world tends to offer is one second-hand scrap of information illustrating ideas derived from another second-hand scrap of information. The second-handedness of the learned world is the secret of its mediocrity.
** [[Alfred North Whitehead]], “Technical Education,” in ''The Aims of Education and Other Essays'' (1929), p. 61.

==X==
* When we see a woman bartering beauty for gold, we look upon such a one as no other than a common prostitute; but she who rewards the passion of some worthy youth with it, gains at the same time our approbation and esteem. It is the very same with philosophy: he who sets it forth for public sale, to be disposed of to the highest bidder, is a sophist, a public prostitute.
** [[Xenophon]], [[Socrates]] in ''Memorabilia'', 1.6.11, T. Stanley, trans., p. 535

* To offer one’s beauty for money to all comers is called prostitution. … So is it with wisdom. Those who offer it to all comers for money are known as sophists, prostitutors of wisdom.
** [[Xenophon]], [[Socrates]] in ''Memorabilia'', 1.6.11

== See also ==
* [[Academic careerism]]
* [[Education]]
* [[W:Free education|Free education]]
* [[Intellectuals]]
* [[Knowledge]]
* [[Learning]]
* [[Liberal education]]
* [[W:Open education|Open education]]
* [[W:Open educational resources|Open educational resources]]
* [[w:Right to education|Right to education]]
* [[Teachers]]
* [[Tuition]]
* [[Universities]]
*[[Wisdom]]

==External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
{{Wiktionary|academia}}

[[Category:Education]]
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[[File:Rousseau Geneve.JPG|thumb|There is not a single one of them who, if he came to know the true and the false, would not prefer the falsehood that he had found to the truth discovered by another. ~ [[Jean-Jacques Rousseau]]]]
'''[[w:Academia|Academia]]''' is the community of students and scholars engaged in [[higher education]] and [[research]].
__NOTOC__
{{TOCalpha}}
==A==
* Like every '[[intellectual]]', a philosophy teacher is a [[Bourgeoisie|petty bourgeois]]. When he opens his mouth, it is petty-bourgeois [[ideology]] that speaks: its resources and ruses are infinite. 
** [[Louis Althusser]], ''[[Vladimir Lenin|Lenin]] and Philosophy and Other Writings'' (1971), p. 2

==B==

* The university, in a society ruled by public opinion, was to have been an island of intellectual freedom where all views were investigated without restriction. … But by consenting to play an active or “positive,” a participatory role in society, the university has become inundated and saturated with the backflow of society’s “problems.” Preoccupied with questions of Health, Sex, Race, War, academics make their reputations and their fortunes. … Any proposed reforms of liberal education which might bring the university into conflict with the whole of the U.S.A. are unthinkable. Increasingly, the people “inside” are identical in their appetites and motives with the people “outside” the university.
** [[Saul Bellow]], ''Introduction to [[The Closing of the American Mind]]'' (New York: 1988), p. 18.

* The more rigorously criticism historicizes a work of art, in the sense of lodging it in the context of the moment of its production, the less likely it becomes for criticism to be able to explain either its own subsequent interest in the work or the possibility of lay—that is, nonacademic—interest in reading it.
** [[Russell Berman]], ''Fiction Sets You Free: Literature, Liberty and Western Culture'' (2007), pp. 5-6.

*ACADEME, n. An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught.&lt;br&gt;ACADEMY, n. [from ACADEME] A modern school where football is taught.
** [[Ambrose Bierce]], ''The Cynic's Dictionary'' (1906); republished as ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911).

* The academies and universities satisfied Socrates’ demand to be fed in the prytaneum.
** [[Allan Bloom]], “Commerce and Culture,” ''Giants and Dwarfs'' (1990), p. 289.

* In academia, … an art historian, on being stirred to tears by the tenderness and serenity he detects in a work by a fourteenth-century Florentine painter, may end up writing a monograph, as irreproachable as it is bloodless, on the history of paint manufacture in the age of Giotto. It seems easier to respond to our enthusiasms by trading in facts than by investigating the more naive question of how and why we have been moved.
** [[Alain de Botton]], ''The Pleasures and Sorrows of Work'' (2009), pp. 27-29.

* There are certain inferior or second-rate minds, who seem only fit to become the receptacle, register, or storehouse of all the productions of other talents; they are plagiarists, translators, compilers; they never think, but tell you what other authors have thought; and as a selection of thoughts requires some inventive powers, theirs is ill-made and inaccurate, which induces them rather to make it large than excellent. They have no originality, and possess nothing of their own; they only know what they have learned, and only learn what the rest of the world does not wish to know; a useless and dry science, without any charm or profit, unfit for conversation, nor suitable to intercourse, like a coin which has no currency. We are astonished when we read them, as well as tired out by their conversation or their works. The nobility and the common herd mistake them for men of learning, but intelligent men rank them with pedants.
** [[Jean de La Bruyère]], ''Characters'', H. Van Laun, trans. (London: 1885) “Of Works of the Mind,” #62.

==C==
[[File:Billets de 5000.jpg|thumb|In academia it’s common to get sanctions like “no more female grad students” or “no more undergraduate teaching” or “please work at home for now.” These are mild punishments at best, but departments are unsure what other options they have—and universities don’t make it easy to fire professors. The institutions know that perpetrators generally have more resources than victims and are more likely to sue if they are fired. It is a good [[financial]] decision, then, to do nothing about a perpetrator, even if they are guilty. ~ [[w:Kathryn B. H. Clancy|Kathryn B. H. Clancy]]]]

* What I admire in the ancient philosophers is their desire to make their lives conform to their writings, a trait which we notice in [[Plato]], [[Theophrastus]] and many others. Practical morality was so truly their philosophy’s essence that many, such as [[w:Xenocrates|Xenocrates]], Polemon, and [[w:Speusippus|Speusippus]], were placed at the head of schools although they had written nothing at all. [[Socrates]] was none the less the foremost philosopher of his age, although he had not composed a single book or studied any other science than ethics.
** [[Nicolas Chamfort]], ''Maxims and Considerations'', E. P. Mathers, trans. (1926), #448

* Why don’t we do anything when we know about the perpetrators in our midst? So far, consequences for scientist-harassers are few and far between. In academia it’s common to get sanctions like “no more female grad students” or “no more undergraduate teaching” or “please work at home for now.” These are mild punishments at best, but departments are unsure what other options they have—and universities don’t make it easy to fire professors. The institutions know that perpetrators generally have more resources than victims and are more likely to sue if they are fired. It is a good [[financial]] decision, then, to do nothing about a perpetrator, even if they are guilty. 
** [[w:Kathryn B. H. Clancy|Kathryn B. H. Clancy]], [https://www.nationalgeographic.com/magazine/2018/05/sexual-harassment-science-me-too-essay/ &quot;Have the Sciences Had a #MeToo Moment? Not So Much.&quot;], ''National Geographic'', (05/2018).

==D==

* From my childhood, I have been familiar with letters; and as I was given to believe that by their help a clear and certain knowledge of all that is useful in life might be acquired, I was ardently desirous of instruction. But as soon as I had finished the entire course of study, at the close of which it is customary to be admitted into the order of the learned, I completely changed my opinion. For I found myself involved in so many doubts and errors, that I was convinced I had advanced no farther in all my attempts at learning, than the discovery at every turn of my own ignorance. And yet I was studying in one of the most celebrated Schools in Europe, in which I thought there must be learned men, if such were anywhere to be found.
** [[René Descartes]], ''[[Discourse on Method]]'', J. Veitch, trans. (1899), p. 4.

* ''Homo academicus'' is a herd animal.
** [[w:William Desmond (philosopher)|William Desmond]] in Christopher Ben Simpson, [http://journal.radicalorthodoxy.org/index.php/ROTPP/article/viewFile/62/10 &quot;Between God and Metaphysics: An Interview with William Desmond&quot;], ''Radical Orthodoxy: Theology, Philosophy, Politics'', Vol. 1, Numbers 1 &amp; 2 (August 2012), p. 364.

==E==
* Numerous are the academic chairs, but rare are [[wise]] and [[noble]] [[teachers]]. Numerous and large are the lecture halls, but far from numerous the [[young]] men who genuinely thirst for [[truth]] and [[justice]]. Numerous are the wares that nature produces by the dozen, but her choice products are few.
** [[Albert Einstein]], “On Academic Freedom,” ''Ideas and Opinions'' (1954).

==J==

* Today's banalities apparently gain in profundity if one states that the wisdom of the past, for all its virtues, belongs to the past. The arrogance of those who come later preens itself with the notion that the past is dead and gone. ... The modern mind can no longer think thought, only can locate it in time and space. The activity of thinking decays to the passivity of classifying.
** [[Russell Jacoby]], ''Social Amnesia'' (1975), p. 1

* The application of planned obsolescence to thought itself has the same merit as its application to consumer goods; the new is not only shoddier than the old, it fuels an obsolete social system that staves off its replacement by manufacturing the illusion that it is perpetually new.
** [[Russell Jacoby]], ''Social Amnesia'' (1975), p. xvii

* [[Friedrich Nietzsche|Nietzsche’s]] ideas and plans: for example, the idea of giving up the whole wretched academic world to form a secular monastic community.
** [[Karl Jaspers]], ''[[Nietzsche]]'', C. Walraff and F. Schmitz, trans. (Baltimore: 1997).

==L==
* It is the capitalist class that pays you, that feeds you, that puts the very clothes on your backs that you are wearing tonight. And in return you preach to your employers the brands of metaphysics that are especially acceptable to them; and the especially acceptable brands are acceptable because they do not menace the established order of society. ... You are sincere. You preach what you believe. There lies your strength and your value&amp;mdash;to the capitalist class. But should you change your belief to something that menaces the established order, your preaching would be unacceptable to your employers, and you would be discharged. ... Your hands are soft with the work others have performed for you. Your stomachs are round with the plenitude of eating. ... And your minds are filled with doctrines that are buttresses of the established order. You are as much mercenaries (sincere mercenaries, I grant) as were the men of the [[w:Swiss Guards|Swiss Guard]]. 
** [[Jack London]], Ernest Everhard addressing a group of academics, in ''[[s:The Iron Heel|The Iron Heel]]'' (1908), Chapter 1

* When one of [[Ludwig Feuerbach|Feuerbach’s]] friends attempts to get him an academic position, Feuerbach writes to him: “The more people make of me, the less I am, and vice versa. I am … something only so long as I am nothing.”
** [[Karl Löwith]], ''From [[Hegel]] to [[Nietzsche]]'', D. Green, trans. (1964), pp. 68-69.

== M ==

* To overcome the academic prose you have first to overcome the academic pose.
** [[C. Wright Mills]], ''The Sociological Imagination'' (1959).

==N==
* One should observe our scholars closely: they have reached the point where they think only “reactively,” i.e. they must read before they can think.
** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], ''The Will to Power'', § 916, cited in [[Walter Kaufmann]], ''Nietzsche'', p. 419

==P==

* [[w:David Halperin|Halperin's]] final essay, &quot;Why Is Diotima a Woman?&quot;, has inspired the title of my article. Here we have one of the great junk bonds of the fast-track academic era, whose unbridled greed for fame and power was intimately in sync with parallel developments on Wall Street. This is yuppie entrepreneurship at its height. It's scholarship skating on a gold credit card, sweeping up everything in its path and dropping it unsorted and uncomprehended in a heap in the boutique window. Its inner bonds too are junk: the logic is specious and its claims counterfeit. … Nothing is thought through or developed in a sensible, plausible way. All energy goes toward show, pretense, posing.
** [[Camille Paglia]], reviewing David Halperin’s ''One Hundred Years of Homosexuality'', “Junk Bonds and Corporate Raiders: Academe in the Hour of the Wolf,” ''Arion'', Third Series, Vol. 1, No. 2 (Spring, 1991), pp. 158-159

* Academe has become a [[multinational corporation]], and scholars have become businessmen, mobile merchants on the make.
** [[Camille Paglia]], “Junk Bonds and Corporate Raiders: Academe in the Hour of the Wolf,” ''Arion'', Third Series, Vol. 1, No. 2 (Spring, 1991), p. 172

* Today's academic leftists are strutting wannabes, timorous nerds who missed the Sixties while they were grade-grubbing in the library and brown-nosing the senior faculty. Their politics came to them late, secondhand, and special delivery via the Parisian import craze of the Seventies. These people have risen to the top not by challenging the system but by smoothly adapting themselves to it. They're company men, Rosencrantz and Guildensterns, privileged opportunists who rode the wave of fashion.
** [[Camille Paglia]], “Junk Bonds and Corporate Raiders: Academe in the Hour of the Wolf,” ''Arion'', Third Series, Vol. 1, No. 2 (Spring, 1991), pp. 176-177

* We know something about billionaire consumption, but it is hard to measure some of it. Some billionaires are consuming politicians, others consume reporters, and some consume academics.
** [[Thomas Piketty]], quoted in Chuck Coliins, [http://inequality.org/nitpicking-piketty/ Nit-Picking Piketty] (2015)
** At [http://events.mediasite.com/Mediasite/Play/b6d6725ea1df49c896fc82465f732e9b1d ASSA], 01:40:27

==R==
* Even though philosophers should be in a position to discover the truth, which of them would take any interest in it? Each one knows well that his system is not better founded than the others, but he supports it because it is his. There is not a single one of them who, if he came to know the true and the false, would not prefer the falsehood that he had found to the truth discovered by another. Where is the philosopher who would not willingly deceive mankind for his own glory? Where is he who in the secret of his heart does not propose to himself any other object than to distinguish himself? Provided that he lifts himself above the vulgar, provided that he outshines the brilliance of his competitors, what does he demand more? The essential thing is to think differently from others. With believers he is an atheist; with atheists he would be a believer.
** [[Jean-Jacques Rousseau]], ''[[w:Emile, or On Education|Émile, or On Education]]'', book 4

== S ==
* For the intellectual class, expertise has usually been a service rendered, and sold, to the central authority of society. This is the ''trahison des clercs'' of which [[Julien Benda]] spoke in the 1920s. Expertise in foreign affairs, for example, has usually meant the legitimization of the conduct of foreign policy.
** [[Edward Said]], ''The World, the Text, and the Critic'' (1983), p. 2

* The intellectual origins of literary theory in Europe were, I think it is accurate to say, insurrectionary. The traditional university, the hegemony of determinism and positivism, the reification of ideological bourgeois “humanism,” the rigid barriers between academic specialties: it was powerful responses to all these that linked together such influential progenitors of today’s literary theorist as Saussure, [[w:Ferdinand de Saussure|Saussure]], [[Lukács]], [[Georges Bataille|Bataille]], [[Claude Lévi-Strauss|Lévi-Strauss]], [[Sigmund Freud|Freud]], [[Nietzsche]], and [[Karl Marx|Marx]]. Theory proposed itself as a synthesis overriding the petty fiefdoms within the world of intellectual production, and it was manifestly to be hoped as a result that all the domains of human activity could be seen, and lived, as a unity. … Literary theory, whether of the Left or the Right, has turned its back on these things. This can be considered, I think, the triumph of the ethic of professionalism. But it is no accident that the emergence of so narrowly defined a philosophy of pure textuality and critical noninterference has coincided with the ascendancy of [[w:Ronald Reagan|Reaganism]].
** [[Edward Said]], ''The World, the Text, and the Critic'' (1983), pp. 3-4.

* Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, because the stakes are so low.
** [[w:Sayre's Law|Sayre's Law]], attributed to Wallace Stanley Sayre (1905-1972), political scientist at Columbia University; attributed to others with minor wording variations.&lt;ref name=&quot;Keyes Quote Verifier&quot;&gt;{{cite book | url=https://books.google.co.nz/books?id=d6JZryGvfxYC&amp;pg=PA1&amp;lpg=PA1#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false | title=The Quote Verifier: Who Said What, Where, and When | publisher=St. Martin's Press | author=Keyes, Ralph | authorlink=Ralph Keyes (author) | year=2007 | pages=1 | isbn=1-4299-0617-0}}&lt;/ref&gt;

==T==
* Academia is to knowledge what prostitution is to love.
** [[Nassim N. Taleb]], ''The Bed of Procrustes: Philosophical and Practical Aphorisms'' (2010), p. 4.

==W==
* What the learned world tends to offer is one second-hand scrap of information illustrating ideas derived from another second-hand scrap of information. The second-handedness of the learned world is the secret of its mediocrity.
** [[Alfred North Whitehead]], “Technical Education,” in ''The Aims of Education and Other Essays'' (1929), p. 61.

==X==
* When we see a woman bartering beauty for gold, we look upon such a one as no other than a common prostitute; but she who rewards the passion of some worthy youth with it, gains at the same time our approbation and esteem. It is the very same with philosophy: he who sets it forth for public sale, to be disposed of to the highest bidder, is a sophist, a public prostitute.
** [[Xenophon]], [[Socrates]] in ''Memorabilia'', 1.6.11, T. Stanley, trans., p. 535

* To offer one’s beauty for money to all comers is called prostitution. … So is it with wisdom. Those who offer it to all comers for money are known as sophists, prostitutors of wisdom.
** [[Xenophon]], [[Socrates]] in ''Memorabilia'', 1.6.11

== See also ==
* [[Academic careerism]]
* [[Education]]
* [[W:Free education|Free education]]
* [[Intellectuals]]
* [[Knowledge]]
* [[Learning]]
* [[Liberal education]]
* [[W:Open education|Open education]]
* [[W:Open educational resources|Open educational resources]]
* [[w:Right to education|Right to education]]
* [[Teachers]]
* [[Tuition]]
* [[Universities]]
*[[Wisdom]]

==External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
{{Wiktionary|academia}}

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      <text bytes="18406" xml:space="preserve">[[File:1911 Solvay conference.jpg|thumb|When we see a woman bartering beauty for gold, we look upon such a one as no other than a common prostitute; but she who rewards the passion of some worthy youth with it, gains at the same time our approbation and esteem. It is the very same with philosophy: he who sets it forth for public sale, to be disposed of to the highest bidder, is a sophist, a public prostitute. ~ [[Xenophon]]]]

[[File:Rousseau Geneve.JPG|thumb|There is not a single one of them who, if he came to know the true and the false, would not prefer the falsehood that he had found to the truth discovered by another. ~ [[Jean-Jacques Rousseau]]]]
'''[[w:Academia|Academia]]''' is the community of students and scholars engaged in [[higher education]] and [[research]].
__NOTOC__
{{TOCalpha}}
==A==
* Like every '[[intellectual]]', a philosophy teacher is a [[Bourgeoisie|petty bourgeois]]. When he opens his mouth, it is petty-bourgeois [[ideology]] that speaks: its resources and ruses are infinite. 
** [[Louis Althusser]], ''[[Vladimir Lenin|Lenin]] and Philosophy and Other Writings'' (1971), p. 2

==B==

* The university, in a society ruled by public opinion, was to have been an island of intellectual freedom where all views were investigated without restriction. … But by consenting to play an active or “positive,” a participatory role in society, the university has become inundated and saturated with the backflow of society’s “problems.” Preoccupied with questions of Health, Sex, Race, War, academics make their reputations and their fortunes. … Any proposed reforms of liberal education which might bring the university into conflict with the whole of the U.S.A. are unthinkable. Increasingly, the people “inside” are identical in their appetites and motives with the people “outside” the university.
** [[Saul Bellow]], ''Introduction to [[The Closing of the American Mind]]'' (New York: 1988), p. 18.

* The more rigorously criticism historicizes a work of art, in the sense of lodging it in the context of the moment of its production, the less likely it becomes for criticism to be able to explain either its own subsequent interest in the work or the possibility of lay—that is, nonacademic—interest in reading it.
** [[Russell Berman]], ''Fiction Sets You Free: Literature, Liberty and Western Culture'' (2007), pp. 5-6.

*ACADEME, n. An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught.&lt;br&gt;ACADEMY, n. [from ACADEME] A modern school where football is taught.
** [[Ambrose Bierce]], ''The Cynic's Dictionary'' (1906); republished as ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911).

* The academies and universities satisfied Socrates’ demand to be fed in the prytaneum.
** [[Allan Bloom]], “Commerce and Culture,” ''Giants and Dwarfs'' (1990), p. 289.

* In academia, … an art historian, on being stirred to tears by the tenderness and serenity he detects in a work by a fourteenth-century Florentine painter, may end up writing a monograph, as irreproachable as it is bloodless, on the history of paint manufacture in the age of Giotto. It seems easier to respond to our enthusiasms by trading in facts than by investigating the more naive question of how and why we have been moved.
** [[Alain de Botton]], ''The Pleasures and Sorrows of Work'' (2009), pp. 27-29.

* There are certain inferior or second-rate minds, who seem only fit to become the receptacle, register, or storehouse of all the productions of other talents; they are plagiarists, translators, compilers; they never think, but tell you what other authors have thought; and as a selection of thoughts requires some inventive powers, theirs is ill-made and inaccurate, which induces them rather to make it large than excellent. They have no originality, and possess nothing of their own; they only know what they have learned, and only learn what the rest of the world does not wish to know; a useless and dry science, without any charm or profit, unfit for conversation, nor suitable to intercourse, like a coin which has no currency. We are astonished when we read them, as well as tired out by their conversation or their works. The nobility and the common herd mistake them for men of learning, but intelligent men rank them with pedants.
** [[Jean de La Bruyère]], ''Characters'', H. Van Laun, trans. (London: 1885) “Of Works of the Mind,” #62.

==C==
[[File:Billets de 5000.jpg|thumb|In academia it’s common to get sanctions like “no more female grad students” or “no more undergraduate teaching” or “please work at home for now.” These are mild punishments at best, but departments are unsure what other options they have—and universities don’t make it easy to fire professors. The institutions know that perpetrators generally have more resources than victims and are more likely to sue if they are fired. It is a good [[financial]] decision, then, to do nothing about a perpetrator, even if they are guilty. ~ [[w:Kathryn B. H. Clancy|Kathryn B. H. Clancy]]]]

* What I admire in the ancient philosophers is their desire to make their lives conform to their writings, a trait which we notice in [[Plato]], [[Theophrastus]] and many others. Practical morality was so truly their philosophy’s essence that many, such as [[w:Xenocrates|Xenocrates]], Polemon, and [[w:Speusippus|Speusippus]], were placed at the head of schools although they had written nothing at all. [[Socrates]] was none the less the foremost philosopher of his age, although he had not composed a single book or studied any other science than ethics.
** [[Nicolas Chamfort]], ''Maxims and Considerations'', E. P. Mathers, trans. (1926), #448

* Why don’t we do anything when we know about the perpetrators in our midst? So far, consequences for scientist-harassers are few and far between. In academia it’s common to get sanctions like “no more female grad students” or “no more undergraduate teaching” or “please work at home for now.” These are mild punishments at best, but departments are unsure what other options they have—and universities don’t make it easy to fire professors. The institutions know that perpetrators generally have more resources than victims and are more likely to sue if they are fired. It is a good [[financial]] decision, then, to do nothing about a perpetrator, even if they are guilty. 
** [[w:Kathryn B. H. Clancy|Kathryn B. H. Clancy]], [https://www.nationalgeographic.com/magazine/2018/05/sexual-harassment-science-me-too-essay/ &quot;Have the Sciences Had a #MeToo Moment? Not So Much.&quot;], ''National Geographic'', (05/2018).

==D==

* From my childhood, I have been familiar with letters; and as I was given to believe that by their help a clear and certain knowledge of all that is useful in life might be acquired, I was ardently desirous of instruction. But as soon as I had finished the entire course of study, at the close of which it is customary to be admitted into the order of the learned, I completely changed my opinion. For I found myself involved in so many doubts and errors, that I was convinced I had advanced no farther in all my attempts at learning, than the discovery at every turn of my own ignorance. And yet I was studying in one of the most celebrated Schools in Europe, in which I thought there must be learned men, if such were anywhere to be found.
** [[René Descartes]], ''[[Discourse on Method]]'', J. Veitch, trans. (1899), p. 4.

* ''Homo academicus'' is a herd animal.
** [[w:William Desmond (philosopher)|William Desmond]] in Christopher Ben Simpson, [http://journal.radicalorthodoxy.org/index.php/ROTPP/article/viewFile/62/10 &quot;Between God and Metaphysics: An Interview with William Desmond&quot;], ''Radical Orthodoxy: Theology, Philosophy, Politics'', Vol. 1, Numbers 1 &amp; 2 (August 2012), p. 364.

==E==
* Numerous are the academic chairs, but rare are [[wise]] and [[noble]] [[teachers]]. Numerous and large are the lecture halls, but far from numerous the [[young]] men who genuinely thirst for [[truth]] and [[justice]]. Numerous are the wares that nature produces by the dozen, but her choice products are few.
** [[Albert Einstein]], “On Academic Freedom,” ''Ideas and Opinions'' (1954).

==J==

* Today's banalities apparently gain in profundity if one states that the wisdom of the past, for all its virtues, belongs to the past. The arrogance of those who come later preens itself with the notion that the past is dead and gone. ... The modern mind can no longer think thought, only can locate it in time and space. The activity of thinking decays to the passivity of classifying.
** [[Russell Jacoby]], ''Social Amnesia'' (1975), p. 1

* The application of planned obsolescence to thought itself has the same merit as its application to consumer goods; the new is not only shoddier than the old, it fuels an obsolete social system that staves off its replacement by manufacturing the illusion that it is perpetually new.
** [[Russell Jacoby]], ''Social Amnesia'' (1975), p. xvii

* [[Friedrich Nietzsche|Nietzsche’s]] ideas and plans: for example, the idea of giving up the whole wretched academic world to form a secular monastic community.
** [[Karl Jaspers]], ''[[Nietzsche]]'', C. Walraff and F. Schmitz, trans. (Baltimore: 1997).

==L==
* It is the capitalist class that pays you, that feeds you, that puts the very clothes on your backs that you are wearing tonight. And in return you preach to your employers the brands of metaphysics that are especially acceptable to them; and the especially acceptable brands are acceptable because they do not menace the established order of society. ... You are sincere. You preach what you believe. There lies your strength and your value&amp;mdash;to the capitalist class. But should you change your belief to something that menaces the established order, your preaching would be unacceptable to your employers, and you would be discharged. ... Your hands are soft with the work others have performed for you. Your stomachs are round with the plenitude of eating. ... And your minds are filled with doctrines that are buttresses of the established order. You are as much mercenaries (sincere mercenaries, I grant) as were the men of the [[w:Swiss Guards|Swiss Guard]]. 
** [[Jack London]], Ernest Everhard addressing a group of academics, in ''[[s:The Iron Heel|The Iron Heel]]'' (1908), Chapter 1

* When one of [[Ludwig Feuerbach|Feuerbach’s]] friends attempts to get him an academic position, Feuerbach writes to him: “The more people make of me, the less I am, and vice versa. I am … something only so long as I am nothing.”
** [[Karl Löwith]], ''From [[Hegel]] to [[Nietzsche]]'', D. Green, trans. (1964), pp. 68-69.

== M ==

* To overcome the academic prose you have first to overcome the academic pose.
** [[C. Wright Mills]], ''The Sociological Imagination'' (1959).

==N==
* One should observe our scholars closely: they have reached the point where they think only “reactively,” i.e. they must read before they can think.
** [[Friedrich Nietzsche]], ''The Will to Power'', § 916, cited in [[Walter Kaufmann]], ''Nietzsche'', p. 419

==P==

* [[w:David Halperin|Halperin's]] final essay, &quot;Why Is Diotima a Woman?&quot;, has inspired the title of my article. Here we have one of the great junk bonds of the fast-track academic era, whose unbridled greed for fame and power was intimately in sync with parallel developments on Wall Street. This is yuppie entrepreneurship at its height. It's scholarship skating on a gold credit card, sweeping up everything in its path and dropping it unsorted and uncomprehended in a heap in the boutique window. Its inner bonds too are junk: the logic is specious and its claims counterfeit. … Nothing is thought through or developed in a sensible, plausible way. All energy goes toward show, pretense, posing.
** [[Camille Paglia]], reviewing David Halperin’s ''One Hundred Years of Homosexuality'', “Junk Bonds and Corporate Raiders: Academe in the Hour of the Wolf,” ''Arion'', Third Series, Vol. 1, No. 2 (Spring, 1991), pp. 158-159

* Academe has become a [[multinational corporation]], and scholars have become businessmen, mobile merchants on the make.
** [[Camille Paglia]], “Junk Bonds and Corporate Raiders: Academe in the Hour of the Wolf,” ''Arion'', Third Series, Vol. 1, No. 2 (Spring, 1991), p. 172

* Today's academic leftists are strutting wannabes, timorous nerds who missed the Sixties while they were grade-grubbing in the library and brown-nosing the senior faculty. Their politics came to them late, secondhand, and special delivery via the Parisian import craze of the Seventies. These people have risen to the top not by challenging the system but by smoothly adapting themselves to it. They're company men, Rosencrantz and Guildensterns, privileged opportunists who rode the wave of fashion.
** [[Camille Paglia]], “Junk Bonds and Corporate Raiders: Academe in the Hour of the Wolf,” ''Arion'', Third Series, Vol. 1, No. 2 (Spring, 1991), pp. 176-177

* We know something about billionaire consumption, but it is hard to measure some of it. Some billionaires are consuming politicians, others consume reporters, and some consume academics.
** [[Thomas Piketty]], quoted in Chuck Coliins, [http://inequality.org/nitpicking-piketty/ Nit-Picking Piketty] (2015)
** At [http://events.mediasite.com/Mediasite/Play/b6d6725ea1df49c896fc82465f732e9b1d ASSA], 01:40:27

==R==
* Even though philosophers should be in a position to discover the truth, which of them would take any interest in it? Each one knows well that his system is not better founded than the others, but he supports it because it is his. There is not a single one of them who, if he came to know the true and the false, would not prefer the falsehood that he had found to the truth discovered by another. Where is the philosopher who would not willingly deceive mankind for his own glory? Where is he who in the secret of his heart does not propose to himself any other object than to distinguish himself? Provided that he lifts himself above the vulgar, provided that he outshines the brilliance of his competitors, what does he demand more? The essential thing is to think differently from others. With believers he is an atheist; with atheists he would be a believer.
** [[Jean-Jacques Rousseau]], ''[[w:Emile, or On Education|Émile, or On Education]]'', book 4

== S ==
* For the intellectual class, expertise has usually been a service rendered, and sold, to the central authority of society. This is the ''trahison des clercs'' of which [[Julien Benda]] spoke in the 1920s. Expertise in foreign affairs, for example, has usually meant the legitimization of the conduct of foreign policy.
** [[Edward Said]], ''The World, the Text, and the Critic'' (1983), p. 2

* The intellectual origins of literary theory in Europe were, I think it is accurate to say, insurrectionary. The traditional university, the hegemony of determinism and positivism, the reification of ideological bourgeois “humanism,” the rigid barriers between academic specialties: it was powerful responses to all these that linked together such influential progenitors of today’s literary theorist as Saussure, [[w:Ferdinand de Saussure|Saussure]], [[Lukács]], [[Georges Bataille|Bataille]], [[Claude Lévi-Strauss|Lévi-Strauss]], [[Sigmund Freud|Freud]], [[Nietzsche]], and [[Karl Marx|Marx]]. Theory proposed itself as a synthesis overriding the petty fiefdoms within the world of intellectual production, and it was manifestly to be hoped as a result that all the domains of human activity could be seen, and lived, as a unity. … Literary theory, whether of the Left or the Right, has turned its back on these things. This can be considered, I think, the triumph of the ethic of professionalism. But it is no accident that the emergence of so narrowly defined a philosophy of pure textuality and critical noninterference has coincided with the ascendancy of [[w:Ronald Reagan|Reaganism]].
** [[Edward Said]], ''The World, the Text, and the Critic'' (1983), pp. 3-4.

* Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, because the stakes are so low.
** [[w:Sayre's Law|Sayre's Law]], attributed to Wallace Stanley Sayre (1905-1972), political scientist at Columbia University; attributed to others with minor wording variations.&lt;ref name=&quot;Keyes Quote Verifier&quot;&gt;{{cite book | url=https://books.google.co.nz/books?id=d6JZryGvfxYC&amp;pg=PA1&amp;lpg=PA1#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false | title=The Quote Verifier: Who Said What, Where, and When | publisher=St. Martin's Press | author=Keyes, Ralph | authorlink=Ralph Keyes (author) | year=2007 | pages=1 | isbn=1-4299-0617-0}}&lt;/ref&gt;

==T==
* Academia is to knowledge what prostitution is to love.
** [[Nassim N. Taleb]], ''The Bed of Procrustes: Philosophical and Practical Aphorisms'' (2010), p. 4.

==W==
* What the learned world tends to offer is one second-hand scrap of information illustrating ideas derived from another second-hand scrap of information. The second-handedness of the learned world is the secret of its mediocrity.
** [[Alfred North Whitehead]], “Technical Education,” in ''The Aims of Education and Other Essays'' (1929), p. 61.

==X==
* When we see a woman bartering beauty for gold, we look upon such a one as no other than a common prostitute; but she who rewards the passion of some worthy youth with it, gains at the same time our approbation and esteem. It is the very same with philosophy: he who sets it forth for public sale, to be disposed of to the highest bidder, is a sophist, a public prostitute.
** [[Xenophon]], [[Socrates]] in ''Memorabilia'', 1.6.11, T. Stanley, trans., p. 535

* To offer one’s beauty for money to all comers is called prostitution. … So is it with wisdom. Those who offer it to all comers for money are known as sophists, prostitutors of wisdom.
** [[Xenophon]], [[Socrates]] in ''Memorabilia'', 1.6.11

== See also ==
* [[Academic careerism]]
* [[Education]]
* [[W:Free education|Free education]]
* [[Intellectuals]]
* [[Knowledge]]
* [[Learning]]
* [[Liberal education]]
* [[W:Open education|Open education]]
* [[W:Open educational resources|Open educational resources]]
* [[w:Right to education|Right to education]]
* [[Teachers]]
* [[Tuition]]
* [[Universities]]
*[[Wisdom]]

==External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
{{Wiktionary|academia}}

[[Category:Education]]
[[Category:Society]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>We're the Millers</title>
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'''''[[w:We're the Millers|We're the Millers]]''''' is a [[w:2013 in film|2013]] American [[w:comedy film|comedy film]] about a veteran pot dealer who creates a fake family as part of his plan to move a huge shipment of weed into the U.S. from Mexico.
:''Directed by [[w:Rawson Marshall Thurber|Rawson Marshall Thurber]]. Written by [[w:Bob Fisher (screenwriter)|Bob Fisher]], [[w:Steve Faber|Steve Faber]], [[w:Sean Anders|Sean Anders]], and [[w:John Morris (filmmaker)|John Morris]].''
{{center|'''If Anyone Asks'''}}

==David Clark==
* ''[Speaking to Brad on the phone]'' I'm here to pick up a smidge of pot. This is not a smidge of pot! You got me moving enough weed to kill [[Willie Nelson]], man!

==Dialogue==
:'''Rose''': You're not a neighbor. You're a drug dealer. Whose apartment smells like cheese and feet?
:'''David''': Mm. Yeah, it's a candle I got from Anthropologie. &quot;Cheesy Feet&quot; is what they call it. It's a best-seller.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kenny''': Hey, David.
:'''David''': Hi, Kenny.
:'''Kenny''': So I heard you and Miss O'Riley fighting.
:'''David''': Its called flirting, Kenny. you'll learn about it in college. What the hell you doing up? Its almost two am. Where's your mom?
:'''Kenny''': Uh, She went for a drink with a friend.
:'''David''': When?
:'''Kenny''': Last week. So I got my whole place to myself. Rolling Han Solo for the weekend. Um, speaking of rolling, I was wondering...
:'''David''': I don't sell to kids, Kenny.
:'''Kenny''': I'm 18, Im gonna get my own place soon. I'm not a kid, David.
:'''David''': Yeah, you are, take care.
:''[Kenny has noticed three men harassing a young woman in an alleyway so Kenny has walked over]''
:'''David''': Goddammit, Kenny. ''[David follows Kenny]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''David''': Hey, hey, hey, hey, easy, easy. What's going on here?
:'''Street thug''': Mind your own fucking business, old man.
:'''David''': Oh my god, you're a dude. I was like, what the hell? I mean, your voice was much deeper than your bone structure.
:'''Casey''': These assholes are trying to steal my iPhone.
:'''David''': Wait, you have an iPhone? Aren't you homeless?
:'''Casey''': So? Fuck you, dude. ''[Note:Not clear who she says this to]''
:'''David''': Okay, this was fun, carry on.
:'''Kenny''': Wait, no. These guys are picking on this girl, and it's not fair.
:'''Street thug 2''': What the fuck are you gonna do about it, white boy? You some type a hero? ''[Note:The street thug is caucasian]''
:'''David''': No, he's not a hero, he's just a dumb kid. I got an idea, leave the girl alone. You three just move along, huh? What do you say? Move along?
:'''Street thug''': What are you, some kind of cop?
:'''Kenny''': No, he's not a cop. He's actually really cool. He's a drug dealer.
:'''Street thug''': Really? ''[Holds up a switchblade]''
:'''David''': Goddamnit, Kenny.
:'''Street thug''': Give me your backpack.
:'''David''': I don't wanna fight.
:'''Street thug''': Oh, there's not gonna be a fight. See, you either give me your backpack, or I'm gonna stab you in the fucking neck, and take it.
:'''David''': Whew. So it's a real Sophie's Choice here, huh? Alright, okay, backpack it is you want... ''[David swings it at a street thug, and runs into alleyway, with street thugs in pursuit of him]''
:'''Casey''': ''[Casey walking down the street in nonchalant tone]'' Hey, sorry, I dropped my phone. Are we still going out tonight or what? ''[David is caught by the thugs and his apartment is cleaned out of marijuana and cash.]'' 
:'''Kenny''': I can help. I'll call the cops. ''[To David slumped on apartment floor]''
:'''David''': No.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''David Clark''': Who the fuck is Pablo Chacon?
:'''Brad Gurglinger''': I am. Yo soy Pablo Chacon. You don't get a lot of respect from the Mexicans when your name is Brad Gurglinger, right?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brad''': Although you are forgetting one thing. 
:'''David''': What?
:'''Brad''': You don't have a fucking choice.
:''[David and Kenny are hanging out on steps of their building]''
:'''Kenny''': So, now you gotta be an even bigger drug dealer?
:'''David''': Drug smuggler, Kenny, there's a difference.
:'''Kenny''': Well, you know you probably gonna get searched at the border, I mean, no offence, but you look like a total drug dealer.
:'''David''': No shit. Thanks dude. 
:'''Kenny''': You could wear a disguise.
:'''David''': What? 
:'''Kenny''': A disguise.
:'''David''': Okay, thats what I thought you said. So, a disguise, so what I should dress like, I dont know, whats hot this halloween these days. Maybe I could wear a mask like Bane, from Batman something like that on some of my fucking face. ''[Puts on Bane voice and hand up to mouth]'' &quot;Oh there's no drugs in here, you have nothing to worry about&quot;; Yeah, good idea.
:'''RV driver''': Hey, pardon me, sure hate to bug you fellows but I'm trying to get the fam off to the zoo and I'm all lost so if you could help..
:'''David''': Yeah, fuck off real life Flanders.
:''[Police officer tells RV driver that there is no parking here and gives RV driver directions and David has an epiphany]''
:'''David''': Holy fucking shit! Thank you dick heads!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[David tries to convince Rose to come with him on the trip but Rose declines]''
:'''Kenny''': So, what has she said?
:'''David''': The fuck do you think? She said no. 
:'''Kenny''': Cool. So it's like I guess a father and son bonding trip to Mexico.
:'''David''': Are you kidding me? You and me traveling alone in a van, it's gonna look like pervert Olympics. No way, absolutely no, we need a girl, and unless you can think of someone that can leave town tommorow. I'm fucked.
:'''Kenny''': I know a girl.
:''[Casey is prying open cash deposits with a crowbar]''
:'''Casey''': I don't get it. Whats in it for me. 
:'''David''': Well I'm thinking, maybe a roof over your head, some hot food, that'd be good right? 
:'''Casey''': Ok, but for a $1,000.
:'''David''': Ok, a $1,000 but that's it.
:'''Casey''': And if we get caught, I'll say you drugged and kidnapped me. cool?
:'''David''': Yeah, it's cool, yeah, it's fine but that's it. Kenny meet your new sister.
:'''Kenny''': This is great. I always want a sister. ''[Tightly hugs Casey]''
:'''Casey''': Get it off me, get it off, get off.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Todd''': I want you to start having sex with the customers for money. ''[Note: Todd is the owner of the strip club Rose dances in]''
:'''Rose''': What? That's totally illegal, Todd!
:'''Todd''': Come on, what are you gonna do? Besides, I gotta stay competitive with those fuckers who just opened up across the street.
:'''Rose''': You mean the Apple Store?
:'''Todd''': Yeah, and they're killing us.
:'''Kimberly/Boner Garage''': Did you hear the good news? Now we get to fuck the costumers for money! ''[Squeals]''
:'''Todd''': Boner Garage loves it.
:'''Rose''': I'm outta here, I'm outta here, I quit. ''[Walks up to apartment door and pulls off a posted notice]'' Eviction notice. Fuck. ''[Looks at mail ad, 1950's woman]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[David, Kenny and Casey are waiting in a barbershop]''
:'''Kenny''': So Casey, I guess it's nice for you to get your hair cut. I mean you being homeless and all I guess.
:'''Casey''': I'm not homeless fucktard, I have a home, but I left it because my parents...
:'''David''': Oh my god, shut up shut up shut up okay, please? Alright, I don't need to hear your heart bloodbath story right now okay? I mean, I rented Precious on Netflix and I still don't watch the fucking thing. Actually here, you know what? Just to give me a little peace and quiet, go buy your self some new clothes, you know, the kind of stuff that loved children are wearing. Not this garbage alright? Thank you whoaa whoa whoa stop stop stop. ''[Grabs Kenny and Casey]'' Kenny, you're fine. You already look like total dipshit. Here, you take it, you gonna need that ''[Hands cash to Casey]'' You look like Eminem from 8 Mile. ''[Casey flips David off]'' Kenny, go with her, make sure she doesn't steal the money. And stay the fuck out the Hot Topic.
:'''Stylist''': OK, what are we doing today?
:'''David Clark''': Yeah. I say, give me somethin' that says, 'I get up every morning at 5:30 and commute for an hour and a half to some bullshit job where my jag-off boss expects me to kiss his balls all day just so I can afford to keep my ungrateful, screaming kids decked out in [[w:Dora the Explorer|Dora the Explorer]] shit and my wife up to her fat ass in self-help videos until the day I get up the courage to put a shotgun in my mouth.'
:'''Middle Aged Man''': [Indicating his own haircut] Right here.
:'''David Clark''': [Points in the mirror] Yeah. That's it. That's the one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Speaking to flight attendant]''

:'''Flight Attendant''': Hi, you folks have everything you need?

:'''David''': Oh, you betcha! Yeah, we're heading out on a family vacay
here, you know? Off to see grandma, huh?

:'''Flight Attendant''': Well, you have a lovely family.
:'''David''': Oh, thank you very much. Yeah, this is my son, Kenny Miller, right here. And my lovely daughter...
:'''Casey''': Casey?
:'''David''': Casey. Casey Miller, that's right. And I'm David Miller. We're the Millers. Yeah, now, you know, I got my hands full here. Couple of kooky teenagers.
:'''Casey''': Yeah, I'm going through all those typical teenage girl issues like finals and college applications...and am I gonna get asked to prom. Plus, I haven't gotten my period in two months...which is really weird because I've mostly just been doing anal.
:'''Kenny''': Ha-ha-ha! 
:'''David''': Oh, that's enough. Well, thank you for your help, &quot;Natalie&quot;.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Rose has agreed to go on the trip at the last moment and has walked onto the plane]''
:'''Rose''': I want $30.000 now
:'''David''': No fucking way. 
:'''Rose''': Ok! Have a safe flight!
:'''David''': Wait! Ok, fine, fine. Blood sucker.
:'''Rose''': Alright, happy wife, happy life!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kenny has accidentally hit Casey in the face and Rose in the breast]''
:'''Rose''': What the fuck? Don't think that you could ever...
:'''David''': Whoa whoa whoa, family meeting, let's go, get in the back, go.
:''[David starts herding Kenny, Casey and Rose to the back of the plane]''
:'''Kenny''': I didn't mean to hit her. 
:'''David''': I don't care.
:'''Casey''': He hit me in the fucking face, sir.
:'''David''': Are you from Mars? No one wants to hear it. ''[In the plane galley]'' What the fuck?! Are you kidding me with this shit?!
:'''Casey''': Relax, Dorothy, Jesus, we're not at the border yet, who cares what these people think. 
:'''David''': It's about not drawing attention to ourselves, you little hobo.
:'''Rose''': Hey, don't talk to her like that!
:'''David''': Rose, relax okay, the only thing you need to worry right now is making people believe you could actually be someone mother, okay.
:'''Rose''': Are you kidding me? I can do this shit in my sleep. ''[They hear a flight attendant coming in so Rose has grabbed all their hands to join in a prayer circle]'' Lord, we thank thee for the blessing of this family vacation. May David find his bliss and bring us all back home safely. May Kenny and Casey fortify their sibling bond over the warm glow of our devoted hearts. And may this entire airplane find safe passage and a bountiful life. Even the Jews. Amen.
:'''Flight attendant''': That was a good one, that was beautiful, I wish my family was more like that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''David Clark''': ''[on the phone]'' We're at the Corrales Regional Medical Center in the middle of Buttfuck, New Mexico.
:'''Brad Gurglinger''': Why?
:'''David Clark''': Why?... ''Why?'' Because this goddamn Kenny kid got his fucking nuts bit by a giant-ass spider, that's why!
:'''Brad Gurglinger''': That is amazing. Will you let me know if he develops any superpowers?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Scottie P.''': What's up dog?
:'''David''': Not much dog, what's up with you?
:'''Scottie P.''': I'm here to pick up Casey. You know what I'm sayin'?
:'''David''': Well, I'm awake and I speak English, so yeah, I know what you're saying.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Casey and Scottie P. are about to leave]''
:'''Rose''': Wait a second, hold on come here. I'd like to have a little chat with your friend
:'''Casey''': Are you kidding me?
:'''Rose''': I am not kidding you. Would you please have a seat?
:'''Casey''': What is going on?
:'''Rose''': So, Scottie P., what exactly do you for a living?
:'''Casey''': Oh, Mom!
:'''Scottie P.''': I work for P&amp;J Amusements. I maintain the monkey maze, if you know what I'm saying.
:'''David''': What the hell is a monkey maze?
:'''Scottie P.''': Oh, it's like terrifying death trap, but, for little kids. 
:'''David''': Hey, thats are some cool tats, man.
:'''Scottie P.''': Ah, for real, thanks bro. You see the cobra?
:'''David''': What is these one? Whats the one right there?
:'''Scottie P.''': Oh, these, thats my credo. ''[Pulls down shirt collar to reveal &quot;NO RAGRETS&quot;]''
:'''David''': No regrets; How 'bout that you have no regrets?
:'''Casey''': Dad... ''[Casey flips off both David and Rose behind Scottie P.'s back with both hand]''
:'''Scottie P.''': No. Not one.
:'''David''': Like not even single letter?
:'''Scottie P.''': No way... uh huh, at least, not me ''[laughs]''.
:'''Casey''': Dad... I love him.
:'''David''': I think he's great. I think he's real winner Casey. If I were you, I wouldn't use protection, have fun. Scottie P. you're the man ''[High fives him]''
:'''Scottie P.''': Yeah? For real. Nice meeting you man. Alright, you too. ''[Casey gets on Scottie P.'s motorcycle and he speeds off, narrowly missing people on the campsite]''
:'''David''': ''[To Rose]'' Come on, she'll gonna be fine. Tattooed kid on a motorcycle, no helmet. Actually, she might already be pregnant.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rose''': We didn't know if you were dead in a ditch. You couldn't've called?
:'''David''': Or some of those damn text messages you always sending out there; &quot;hey its me casey, im not dead in the ditch lol, a little pig with a fucking smile, #YOLO&quot;.
:'''Casey''': Whoa, was that so hard to say, thank you, appreciate that.
:'''David''': Unbelieveable, she learned a new word Rose. Thank God.
:'''Casey''': &quot;I'm sorry&quot;, He will be great.
:'''David''': Oh, there he is. Kenny, oh my god you looks so much better.
:'''Rose''': Yeah, doesn't he looks better?
:'''David''': Yeah, he looks like a thousand bucks. Lets go come on.
:'''Kenny''': Hey, take it easy. Would you just relax? Oh, hurt my elbow.
:'''Rose''': Are you okay?
:'''Kenny''': I think so.
:'''Rose''': David, look what's happened to you, when you running around like a crazy person.
:'''David''': What are you talking about? He's fine, come on. Come on Ken doll hop hop buddy, here we go here we go.
:'''Rose''': What the hell is wrong with you?
:'''David''': Whats wrong with me? Look this job has a deadline and in four fucking hours alright, and if you thinking I'm gonnna lose half a million dollars pay day because of one of Kenny's boo boos then you're out of your goddamned mind.
:'''Rose''': Whoa, wait a second, you're making half a millon dollars on this deal?
:'''David''': Roughly.
:'''Rose''': I can not believe you! 
:'''David''': Rose, listen to me, I can explain it.
:'''Rose''': You're making $500,000 and giving me only $30,000?
:'''Casey''': $30,000? I'm only getting $1,000!
:'''Kenny''': You guys are getting paid?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rose''': [Scottie P. is trying to make out with Casey, who is resisting] Hey! Get your hands off of her! Come here, Casey. Now, you put your hands on her one more time, I swear I'm gonna rip that fucking tattoo right off of your chest.
[mocking] 
:'''Rose''': You know what I'm sayin'?
:'''Scottie P.''': Oh, really, bitch?
:'''Rose''': Yeah, bitch.
:'''Kenny''': You know what? Why don't you leave the girls alone, man.
:'''Scottie P.''': What are you gonna do about it, '''''Eyebrows'''''?
:'''Kenny''': One... two...
:''[Rose punches Scottie P. in the face]''
:'''Scottie P.''': OW! Broke my nose! You're a aggressive woman! Y'know wha' I'm sayin'?
[runs away with a bloody nose] 
:'''Rose''': [to Casey] Are you OK?
:'''Casey''': I'm fine. That was awesome, you just fuckin' decked him!
:'''Rose''': Yeah, well, I've dealt with handsy assholes like him at work. Come on, let's just get out of here. Thanks for the backup. Kenny, what were you counting? If you're gonna punch somebody, you punch 'em on &quot;one.&quot;
:'''Kenny''': Well, David told me to count...
:''[Casey groans]'' 
'''Rose''': David? David hasn't punched anybody, ever.. I think the exit is this way.
:'''David''': I have returned.
:'''Casey''': Go fuck yourself.
:'''David''': This is what I miss right? The ping pong action. The repartée. Casey says; &quot;Go fuck yourself&quot; then you go fuck yourself, and then Rose, you say; &quot;you go fuck yourself&quot;, then Kenny's like; &quot;I don't wanna fuck anybody&quot;.
:'''Rose''': We're not getting in the RV.
:'''David''': What? okay, okay. I know whats this is about, and I get it. We gonna split the $500,000, evenly, between the four of us. You guys get what i'm saying here. Kenny, you wanna be like this. Thats a lot of video games kiddo. Casey, you can buy a house, run away from it, you know what i'm mean? Like whatever. You get $125.000, You get $125.000, you get a... you know, I'm like fuckin' Oprah here. You know, like if she was a white dude at a carnival. Okay look, what do you want? you want me to beg? Kids, what do you think?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Melissa Fitzgerald''': You're drug dealers?
:'''Kenny Rossmore''': No, we're drug smugglers.

==Cast==
* [[Jennifer Aniston]] as Sarah &quot;Rose&quot; O'Reilly Miller
* [[w:Jason Sudeikis|Jason Sudeikis]] as David Clark Miller
* [[Emma Roberts]] as Casey Mathis Miller
* [[w:Will Poulter|Will Poulter]] as Kenny Rossmore Miller
* [[w:Ed Helms|Ed Helms]] as Brad Gurdlinger
* [[w:Nick Offerman|Nick Offerman]] as Don Fitzgerald
* [[w:Kathryn Hahn|Kathryn Hahn]] as Edie Fitzgerald
* [[w:Molly Quinn|Molly Quinn]] as Melissa Fitzgerald
* [[w:Ken Marino|Ken Marino]] as Todd
* [[w:Tomer Sisley|Tomer Sisley]] as the real Pablo Chacon
* [[w:Thomas Lennon|Thomas Lennon]] as Rick Nathanson
* [[w:Matthew Willig|Matthew Willig]] as One-Eye
* [[w:Mark L. Young|Mark L. Young]] as Scottie P.
* [[w:Luis Guzmán|Luis Guzmán]] as a Mexican cop
* [[w:Karuna Sun|Karuna Sun]] as Stripper/Pole Dancer
* [[w:Scott Adsit|Scott Adsit]] as the doctor

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=1723121}}

[[Category:2013 films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Criminal comedy films]]
[[Category:Films set in Mexico]]
[[Category:Films about dysfunctional families]]
[[Category:Films set in Colorado]]
[[Category:Drug films]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Vikram Sarabhai</title>
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      <text bytes="11535" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Vikram Sarabhai.jpg|thumb|right| Vikram Sarabhai, father of India's space programme]]
'''[[w: Vikram Sarabhai|Vikram Ambalal Sarabhai]]''' ([[w:Gujarat|Gujarati]]: વિક્રમ અંબાલાલ સારાભાઇ) ([[August 12]], [[1919]] – [[December 30]], [[1971]]) was an [[w:Indian |Indian]] [[w:physicist|physicist]], acclaimed as the father of [[w: India's space programme|India's space programme]]. He was also called the &quot;Renaissance man&quot;. He established the [[w:Physical Research Laboratory|Physical Research Laboratory]] in 1947.  The [[w:Vikram Sarabhai Space Centre|Vikram Sarabhai Space Centre]], (VSSC), is the Indian Space Research Organization's, facility to launch vehicle development which is named after him. He was also Chairman of the [[w:Atomic Energy Commission|Atomic Energy Commission]]. He was decorated with India's two civilian awards of [[w:Padma Bhushan|Padma Bhushan]] in 1966 and the [[w:Padma Vibhushan|:Padma Vibhushan]] posthumous (after-death). [[w:Space Science Day| Space Science Day]] Is observed in India every year on 12 August.

==Quotes==

*There are some who question the relevance of space activities in a developing nation. To us, there is no ambiguity of purpose. We do not have the fantasy of competing with the economically advanced nations in the exploration of the Moon or the planets or manned space-flight. But we are convinced that if we are to play a meaningful role nationally, and in the community of nations, we must be second to none in the application of advanced technologies to the real problems of man and society, which we find in our country. And we should note that the application of sophisticated technologies and methods of analysis to our problems is not to be confused with embarking on grandiose schemes, whose primary impact is for show rather than for progress measured in hard economic and social terms.
** Quoted in &quot;List Of Important Speeches And Papers By Dr. Vikram A. Sarabhai&quot;&lt;ref name=&quot;PRL_Sarabhai_compilation&quot;&gt;{{cite web |title=List Of Important Speeches And Papers By Dr. Vikram A. Sarabhai. |url=https://www.prl.res.in/~library/sarabhai_v_speeches.pdf |website=PRL.res.in |accessdate=27 June 2019 |archiveurl=https://web.archive.org/web/20190627181445/https://www.prl.res.in/~library/sarabhai_v_speeches.pdf |archivedate=27 June 2019|page=113}}&lt;/ref&gt;

*In appreciating the value of space activities to a developing nation, one should recognize some inherent problems. They arise from the glamour that is associated with space activities. There is a real danger that developing nations may adopt a space program largely for this glamour, devoting resources not through a recognition of the values of which we are talking about here, but from a desire to create a sham image nationally and internationally. International cooperation in space activities may stimulate this state of affairs.
** Quoted in &quot;The Power of the Space Club&quot;&lt;ref&gt;{{cite book |last1=Paikowsky |first1=Deganit |title=The Power of the Space Club |date=2017 |publisher=Cambridge University Press |isbn=9781107194496 |url=https://books.google.co.in/books?id=e9AoDwAAQBAJ&amp;pg=PA157&amp;lpg=PA157#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false |accessdate=12 September 2019 |language=en}}&lt;/ref&gt;

*The primary task of fundamental research is to discover, of research and development is to optimise, and of industry to produce, and one of the main problems that are faced in the organisation of innovative institutions or establishments is to make the link between these three cultures and to provide for a basis by which transfer of knowledge, of men, of technology can proceed from one step to another interacting freely and also benefitting one from the other.
**From speech given at TIFR Silver jubilee celebration on 10 April 1971&lt;ref&gt;{{Cite web|url=https://www.idsa.in/npihp/documents/IDSA-TIFR-01011954e.pdf|title=Tata Institute of Fundamental Research Silver Jubilee celebration speech by Dr Vikram Sarabhai on  Saturday, 10 April 1971|archiveurl=https://web.archive.org/web/20150418092154/http://idsa.in/npihp/documents/IDSA-TIFR-01011954e.pdf|archivedate=18 April 2015}}&lt;/ref&gt;&lt;ref name=&quot;PRL_Sarabhai_quotes&quot;/&gt;

* There is no leader and there is no led. A leader, if one chooses to identify one, has to be a cultivator rather than a manufacturer. He has to provide the soil and the overall climate and the environment in which the seed can grow. One wants permissive individuals who do not have a compelling need to reassure themselves that they are leaders through issuing instructions to others; rather they set an example through their own creativity, Love of nature and dedication to what one may call the 'scientific method.' These are the leaders we need in the field of education and research
** Science policy and national development, New Delhi: Macmillan, 1974 &lt;ref&gt;{{Cite web|url=https://www.isro.gov.in/sites/default/files/flipping_book/institution_building/files/assets/common/downloads/Institution%20Building.pdf|title=Institution building : Lessons from Vikrarn Sarabhai's leadership|archiveurl=https://web.archive.org/web/20220812025514/https://www.isro.gov.in/sites/default/files/flipping_book/institution_building/files/assets/common/downloads/Institution%20Building.pdf|archivedate=12 August 2022}}&lt;/ref&gt;

*No great importance is to be given to mere experience.
**In {{cite web|url=http://www.outlookindia.com/article.aspx?216858|title=Vikram A. Sarabhai|date=19 August 2002|accessdate=14 December 2013|publisher=OutlookIndia}}

*He who can listen to the music in the midst of noise can achieve great things.
**Quoted in &quot;Vikram A. Sarabhai&quot;. &lt;ref&gt;{{Cite web|url=http://www.nmspacemuseum.org/halloffame/detail.php?id=120|title= Vikram Ambalal Sarabhai|accessdate=14 December 2013|publisher= New Mexico Museum of Space History}}&lt;/ref&gt;

* The development of the nation is intimately linked with understanding and application of science and technology by its people.
**Quoted in &quot;Vikram A. Sarabhai&quot;.&lt;ref name=&quot;PRL_Sarabhai_quotes&quot;&gt;{{cite web |title=The Tenth Dr. Vikram A. Sarabhai Festival of Performing Arts |url=https://www.prl.res.in/~library/sarabhai_v_quotes.pdf |website=PRL.res.in |accessdate=12 September 2019 |archiveurl=https://web.archive.org/web/20190627192004/https://www.prl.res.in/~library/sarabhai_v_quotes.pdf |archivedate=12 September 2019|page=28}}&lt;/ref&gt;

*Our national goals involve leap-frogging from a state of economic backwardness and social disabilities attempting to achieve in a few decades  a change which has incidentally taken centuries in other countries and in other lands. This involves innovative  at all levels.
**In the post-Nehru era with his vision on “Television and Development” quoted in {{cite book|last= Joshi |first=Puran Chandra |title=Communication and National Development|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=re46IrFLtQ8C&amp;pg=PR25|date=1 January 2002|publisher=Anamika Publishers &amp; Distributors|isbn=978-81-7975-013-1|page=xxv}}page xxv.

*A national programme which would provide television to about 80% of India’s population during the  next ten years would be of great significance to national integration, for implementing schemes of economic and social development  and for the stimulation and promotion of electronic industry. It is of particular significance for population living in isolated rural countries
**His priority in 1974 quoted in &quot;Communication and National Development&quot;.

*We look down on our scientists if they engage in outside consultation. We implicitly promote the ivory tower.
**Quoted in {{cite web|url=http://resourcecentre.daiict.ac.in/eresources/iresources/quotations.html |title= Quotations by 60 Greatest Indians |publisher=Dhirubhai Ambani Institute of Information and Communication Technology}}

===The Making of the [[w:Indian|Indian]] [[w:Atomic Bomb|Atomic Bomb]]: Science, Secrecy and the Post-colonial State===
&lt;small&gt;{{cite book|last= Abraham |first=Itty |title=The Making of the Indian Atomic Bomb: Science, Secrecy and the Postcolonial State|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=c3MPQhmV0loC&amp;pg=PA143|date=15 November 1998|publisher=Zed Books|isbn=978-1-85649-630-8|pages=143}}&lt;/small&gt;
*I would like to emphasize that security can be endangered not only from outside but also from within. If you do not maintain the rate of progress of the economic development of the nation. I would suggest that you would have the most serious crisis, something that would disintegrate India as we know it.
**At a time when there was crisis of considerable economic and political turmoil and when he was offered the chair of the Atomic Energy Commission.
*So the real problem in this whole question relates to utilization of national resources for productive and social welfare against the burden of defense expenditure which a country can bear at any particular time.
** On the issue of priority to internal development vis-a-vis external defense.

==About==
===Pride Of The Nation: Dr. A.P.J. Abdul Kalam===
&lt;small&gt;{{cite book|author1=Mahesh Sharma|author2=Mahesh Sharma, P.Bhalla, P.K. Das|author3=P.Bhalla|title=Pride Of The Nation : Dr. A.P.J. Abdul Kalam|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=TkGyzKt-l6cC&amp;pg=PA46|year=2004|publisher=Diamond Pocket Books (P) Ltd.|isbn=978-81-288-0806-7|pages=45–49}}&lt;/small&gt;
*Vikram Sarabhai had dream to conquer the space is no more now but his dream is in fact a prime matter of research in the ISRO even today.
*Prof Sarabhai had proposed [[w:A.P.J. Abdul Kalam|Dr. Kalam’s]] name as the trainee candidate for to NASA for the modern technical training of [[w:Rocket Launching|Rocket Launching.
*Prof Sarabhai assessed the work capacity of an engineer or a scientist not by his degree or his training but by his self-confidence.
*Prof Sarabhai had the keen desire that Indian must be independent in rocket manufacturing\, hence he always full of zeal to do something new.
*He always gave new technical knowledge to the engineers and at that moment his face was lit with joy.
*He never deviated even in adverse situations, instead he accepted  that to err or to forget something in order to learn something is not an offense.
*He said that if we want to establish ourselves in the world, we have to be self-sufficient and research for new ideas and techniques.
*He informed the whole of his team about any new project and started working on it only after having discussed with everyone.
*He said that the performer must have emotional  attachment with the project along with physical;otherwise one can’t attain dedication and devotion   for it.
*If he was not satisfied with the work of any engineer or scientist, he immediately told him his fault. He was very positive at such moments.
*He said that failures compos us more as compared to successes.
*He was such a genius that he could very quickly solve any problem. He ws in the habit of giving new tips to young engineers. To keeo normal even in adverse situations was his natural features.
*The launch of [[w:satellite|satellite]] [[w:SLV|SLV]] was possible in India only due to the inspiration from Prof Vikram Sarabhai. It wont be an exaggeration if it is said that Prof Sarabhai is the sun shining over the horizon of Indian Science who would keep showing light to the future scientists.

==External links==

* https://www.prl.res.in/~library/sarabhai_v_speeches.pdf

* https://www.prl.res.in/~library/sarabhai_v_quotes.pdf

{{Wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Sarabhai, Vikram}}
==References==
{{Reflist}}
[[Category:Physicists from India]]
[[Category:1919 births]]
[[Category:1971 deaths]]</text>
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      <comment>@javaHurricane @vermont @ferien @jimbo Wales @ilovemydoodle @tuvalkin @dannyS712 privaccy violators n ilovemycock who is obsessed over edramatica approved = ant hardcore fukpals</comment>
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* You bring me the man, I'll find you the crime.

This is by far his most famous quote, if it really is his. Can anyone find it in a reliable source?
I doubt it's really his. I spent half and hour googling to no avail and it seems to be a 21st century invention. I didn't try in Russian, though.

== The Great Purge ==
beria poisoned stalin to death!
1936 - 1938</text>
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* You bring me the man, I'll find you the crime.

This is by far his most famous quote, if it really is his. Can anyone find it in a reliable source?
I doubt it's really his. I spent half and hour googling to no avail and it seems to be a 21st century invention. I didn't try in Russian, though.

== The Great Purge ==
beria poisoned stalin to death!
1936 - 1938</text>
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      <comment>Reverted edit by [[User:190.74.164.161|190.74.164.161]] ([[User talk:190.74.164.161|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/190.74.164.161|contributions]]) to last version by Antandrus</comment>
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      <text bytes="310" xml:space="preserve">== Unsourced ==
* You bring me the man, I'll find you the crime

This is by far his most famous quote, if it really is his. Can anyone find it in a reliable source?
I doubt it's really his. I spent half and hour googling to no avail and it seems to be a 21st century invention. I didn't try in Russian, though.</text>
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  <page>
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      <text bytes="31103" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Satellite View of Japan 1999.jpg|thumb|Travelers visiting Japan are usually easily forgiven for whatever they do, including dressing down for Cool Biz. When in doubt, they can always say sumimasen. ~ [[w:Stanley Tan|Stanley Tan]]]]
[[File:Barack Obama &amp; Taro Aso in the Oval Office 2-24-09.JPG|thumb|Japan has been a great partner. ~ [[Barack Obama]]]]
[[File:Sri aurobindo.jpg|thumb|right|
The Japanese have a wonderful power of [[self-control]]. They don't lose their temper or quarrel with you, but if their honour is violated they may [[kill]] you. They can be bitter [[enemies]].... The Japanese also have a high sense of chivalry.... But these things perhaps belong to the past. It is a great pity that people who have carried such ideals into practice are losing them through contact with European civilization. ~ [[Sri Aurobindo]]]]
[[File:Merchant flag of Japan (1870).svg|thumb|Aspiring sincerely to an international peace based on justice and order, the Japanese people forever renounce war. ~ ''[[w:Article 9 of the Japanese Constitution|Article 9 of the Constitution of Japan]]'']]
[[File:A member of the Japanese Ground Self-Defense Force, foreground, rests during a patrolling exercise at Marine Corps Base Camp Pendleton, Calif., June 12, 2013, during exercise Dawn Blitz 2013 130612-M-JU912-072.jpg|thumb|The Japanese can only fulfill it by the sword. ~ [[w:Friedrich von Bernhardi|Friedrich von Bernhardi]]]]
[[File:Samurai.jpg|thumb|You see, it's been [[Germany|our]] misfortune to have the wrong religion. Why didn't [[Germany|we]] have the religion of the Japanese, who regard sacrifice for the Fatherland as the highest good? ~ [[Adolf Hitler]]]]
[[File:Atomic cloud over Hiroshima.jpg|thumb|The Japanese were ready to surrender, and it wasn't necessary to hit them with that awful thing. ~ [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]]]]
[[File:Major US military bases in Japan (zh).svg|thumb|Major U.S. military bases in Japan.]]

[[w:Japan|'''Japan''']], also known as '''Nippon''', is an island country in eastern [[Asia]]. It is located in the [[w:Pacific Ocean|Pacific Ocean]] and it lies to the east of the [[w:Sea of Japan|Sea of Japan]], [[China]], [[North Korea]], [[South Korea]] and [[Russia]], stretching from the [[w:Sea of Okhotsk|Sea of Okhotsk]] in the north to the [[w:East China Sea|East China Sea]] and [[Taiwan]] in the south.

Japan is a [[w:great power|great power]] and a member of numerous international organizations, including the [[United Nations]] (since 1956), the [[w:OECD|OECD]], and the [[w:Group of Seven|Group of Seven]]. Although it has [[w:Article 9 of the Japanese Constitution|renounced its right to declare war]], the country maintains [[w:Japan Self-Defense Forces|Self-Defense Forces]] that rank as one of the world's strongest militaries. After [[World War II]], Japan experienced record growth in [[w:Japanese economic miracle|an economic miracle]], becoming the [[w:List of countries by largest historical GDP|second-largest economy]] in the world by 1990. As of 2021, [[w:Economy of Japan|the country's economy]] is the [[w:List of countries by GDP (nominal)|third-largest by nominal GDP]] and the [[w:List of countries by GDP (PPP)|fourth-largest by PPP]]. A global leader in the [[w:Automotive industry in Japan|automotive]] and [[w:Electronics industry in Japan|electronics industries]], Japan has made significant contributions to [[w:Science and technology in Japan|science and technology]]. Ranked &quot;very high&quot; on the [[w:Human Development Index|Human Development Index]], Japan has the world's [[w:List of countries by life expectancy|highest life expectancy]], though it is experiencing [[w:Aging of Japan|a decline in population]]. The [[w:culture of Japan|culture of Japan]] is well known around the world, including its [[w:Japanese art|art]], [[w:Japanese cuisine|cuisine]], [[w:Music of Japan|music]], and [[w:Japanese popular culture|popular culture]], which encompasses prominent [[Manga|comic]], [[Anime|animation]] and [[w:Video games in Japan|video game]] industries.
__NOTOC__
{{TOCalpha}}

== Quotes ==
===A===
* I don’t see any [[adults]] here in Japan. The fact that you see salarymen reading [[manga]] and [[pornography]] on the [[Rail transport|trains]] and being unafraid, unashamed or anything, is something you wouldn’t have seen 30 years ago, with people who grew up under a different system of government. They would have been far too embarrassed to open a book of cartoons or dirty pictures on a train. But that’s what we have now in Japan. We are a country of children.
** [[w:Hideaki Anno|Hideaki Anno]]  [https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2007/05/let-s-die-together/305776/ &quot;Let's Die Together&quot;], ''Atlantic Magazine'', May 2007.

*One [[culture]], one [[civilization]], one [[language]], and one [[Ethnicity|ethnic group]].
**[[Tarō Asō]], as quoted in [http://news.newamericamedia.org/news/view_article.html?article_id=f6f50bd7a1687ece711a7ef721bb6fb8 &quot;Ghosts of Wartime Japan Haunt Koizumi's Cabinet&quot;] (3 November 2005), by Christopher Reed, ''New America Media''

*Luckily, we Japanese have yellow faces.
**[[Tarō Asō]], [http://www.theguardian.com/world/2007/mar/23/japan.usa speech] (2007)

*'''The Japanese have a wonderful power of [[self-control]].''' They don't lose their temper or quarrel with you, but if their honour is violated they may [[kill]] you. They can be bitter [[enemies]].... The Japanese also have a high sense of chivalry.... '''But these things perhaps belong to the past.''' It is a great pity that people who have carried such ideals into practice are losing them through contact with [[Europe|European]] civilization. That is a great harm that European vulgarizing has done to Japan. Now you find most people [[mercantile]] in their outlook and they will do anything for the sake of [[money]].....
**Sri Aurobindo, December 30, 1938, quoted from [[Sri Aurobindo]], ., Nahar, S., Aurobindo, ., &amp; Institut de recherches évolutives (Paris). ''India's rebirth: A selection from Sri Aurobindo's writing, talks and speeches.'' Paris: Institut de Recherches Evolutives. 3rd Edition (2000). [https://web.archive.org/web/20170826004028/http://bharatvani.org/books/ir/IR_frontpage.htm]

===B===
*Won't you stretch imagination for a moment and come with me. Let us hasten to a nation lying over the western sea. Hide behind the cherry blossoms; here's a sight that will please your eyes. There's a lady with a baby of Japan, singing lullabies. Hear her as she sighs.
** [[w:Nora Bayes|Nora Bayes]], [http://lyricsplayground.com/alpha/songs/t/thejapanesesandman.shtml &quot;The Japanese Sandman&quot;] (1920)

* The Japanese can only fulfill it by the sword.
** [[w:Friedrich von Bernhardi|Friedrich von Bernhardi]], ''Germany and the next War'' (1911), Chapter XIII

===C===
*[[w:Basil Hall Chamberlain|B.H. Chamberlain]], in his ''Things Japanese'' (London, 1898), says: &quot;All [[education]] was for centuries in [[Buddhism|Buddhist]] hands; Buddhism introduced [[art]], introduced [[medicine]], moulded the folklore of the country, created its dramatic [[poetry]], deeply influenced politics and every sphere of social and intellectual activity. In a word, Buddhism was the teacher under whose instruction the nation grew up.&quot; A.S. Geden, while quoting the above passage, further adds that &quot;In a larger sense of these terms, Japan owes more educationally to [[Buddhist]] influence and instruction than perhaps any other nation, with the possible exception of the Burmese&quot;. When Europe forced its way into Japan, it found that most Japanese, men as well as women, could read and write. They were educated by Buddhist monks in their &quot;temple-huts&quot;, known as tera-koya. Attendance at these schools was entirely voluntary. &quot;There were also schools open for girls, which were, it may be assumed, always under the direction of the nuns&quot;.
**[[w:Basil Hall Chamberlain|B.H. Chamberlain]], A.S. Geden. quoted in Ram Swarup (2000). On Hinduism: Reviews and reflections. Ch. 6.

*Japan has demonstrated the possible industrial dynamism of a highly deferential society, indeed a society which has only recently masked the values and practices of a [[w:Divine right of kings|divine-right]] monarchy.
**[[w:J. C. D. Clark|J. C. D. Clark]], ''English Society 1688–1832: Ideology, Social Structure and Political Practice During the Ancien Regime'' (1985), p. 73

* Aspiring sincerely to an international [[peace]] based on [[justice]] and [[order]], '''the Japanese people forever renounce war''' as a sovereign right of the nation and the threat or use of force as means of settling international disputes.
** ''[[w:Article 9 of the Japanese Constitution|Article 9 of the Constitution of Japan]]'' (3 May 1947)

===D===
*The right of locomotion; the right of migration; the right which belongs to no particular race, but belongs alike to all and to all alike. It is the right you assert by staying here, and your fathers asserted by coming here. It is this great right that I assert for the [[China|Chinese]] and the Japanese, and for all other varieties of men equally with yourselves, now and forever.
**[[Frederick Douglass]], [http://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/document/our-composite-nationality/ ''Our Composite Nationality''] (7 December 1869), [[Boston|Boston, Massachusetts]].

===E===
* '''I was against [[w:Atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki|it]] on two counts. First, the Japanese were ready to surrender, and it wasn't necessary to hit them with that awful thing. Second, I hated to see [[United States|our country]] be the first [[Atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki|to use such a weapon]].'''
** [[Dwight D. Eisenhower|Dwight David Eisenhower]], On his stated opposition to the use of the [[Nuclear weapons|atomic bomb]] against the Japanese at the end of [[World War II]], as quoted in Newsweek (11 November 1963)

===F===
*The Japanese spirit wavered from then on between the lure of the West and the need to preserve her territorial integrity. Slowly, inexorably, Western civilization covered up with its veneer this other civilization patiently built up in the course of centuries, long nurtured in suffering and in pride by generations of men and women. But this was only in semblance. '''The Japan of old still dwells deep in the soul of every inhabitant of her islands and manifests itself at every turn in some euphuistic subtlety or an exquisitely delicate courtesy.''' ... The spirit of Japan, conceived in the [[w:Nara period|Nara epoch]], carried in the womb of her islands throughout the [[w:Heian period|Heian period]], delivered in the anguish of the [[Middle Ages]], schooled by the rod of iron of the [[w:Tokugawa Shogunate|Tokugawas]], fully grown now, benefited from all her past experiences. '''She cannot forget them.'''
**[[Louis Frédéric|Frédéric, Louis]] (1984). Daily life in Japan at the time of the samurai, 1185-1603. Tokyo: Tuttle.

*So why is Japan different? Why do its top officials &amp;ndash; and this trend extends across senior government posts &amp;ndash; resign office, seemingly at the drop of a hat? The theories are endless, most of them relying on oft-repeated but simplistic [[Stereotype|stereotypes]] about the supposed centrality of [[honor]], saving face, and respect in [[w:Japanese culture|Japanese culture]]... Japan's problems are too vast, and its strengths too great, to be ruled by something as capricious and frivolous as the whims of the majority.
**[[Max Fisher]], [http://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2011/06/why-do-japanese-prime-ministers-keep-resigning/239850/ &quot;Why Do Japanese Prime Ministers Keep Resigning&quot;] (3 June 2011), ''[[w:The Atlantic|The Atlantic]]''.

*Those Oriental people work like dogs. They work their hearts out. They are workers non-stop. They sleep beside their machines. That's why they're successful in life. I went to [[Seoul]], [[South Korea]], I went to [[w:Taipei|Taipei]], [[Taiwan]]. I went to [[w:Tokyo|Tokyo, Japan]]. That's why these people are so hard workers. I'm telling you, the Oriental people, they're slowly taking over.
**[[Rob Ford]], [http://www.citynews.ca/2008/03/14/asian-protestors-stage-city-hall-sit-in-over-rob-fords-oriental-comments/ council meeting] (5 March 2008).

*Japan must import all of its major [[w:Minerals|minerals]], from [[oil]] to [[w:Aluminum|aluminum]]. Without those imports-particularly [[oil]]-Japan stops being an industrial power in a matter of months.
**[[George Friedman]], [https://www.amazon.com/Next-100-Years-Forecast-Century/dp/038551705X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1498628991&amp;sr=1-1 ''The Next 100 Years: A Forecast for the 21st Century''] (2009), p. 67, Doubleday

===H===
*In the U.S., if you are a singer, you're usually a singer for life. In Japan, you branch out... Japan needs more child care places that are government funded. Big companies need to have day care centers. I used to take my kids on location. Sometimes my boss held my baby while I worked.  
**[[w:Yū Hayami|Yū Hayami]], as quoted in [http://www.japantoday.com/category/arts-culture/view/here%E2%80%99s-looking-at-yu &quot;Here's looking at Yu&quot;] (28 November 2008), by Chris Betros, ''Japan Today''

*People all over the world refer to Japan as the Land of the Gods, and call us the descendants of the gods. Indeed, it is exactly as they say: our country, as a special mark of favour from the heavenly gods, was begotten by them, and there is thus so immense a difference between Japan and all the other countries as to defy comparison. Ours is a splendid and blessed country, the Land of the Gods beyond any doubt, and we, down to the most humble man and woman, are the descendants of the gods... Japanese differ completely from and are superior to the peoples of China, India, Russia, Holland, Siam, Cambodia, and all other countries of the world, and for us to have called our country the Land of the Gods was not mere vainglory. It was the gods who formed all the lands of the world at the Creation, and these gods were without exception born in Japan. Japan is thus the homeland of the gods, and that is why we call it the Land of the Gods.
**[[w:Hirata Atsutane|Hirata Atsutane]], ''Kodō Taii'' (''Summary of the Ancient Way'') (1811), quoted in Ryusaku Tsunoda, William Theodore de Bary and Donald Keene (eds.), ''Sources of Japanese Tradition'' (1958), p. 544

* You see, '''it's been [[Germany|our]] misfortune to have the wrong [[religion]]. Why didn't [[Germany|we]] have the [[w:Shintoism|religion of the Japanese]], who regard sacrifice for the Fatherland as the highest good?''' The [[Islam|Mohammedan religion]] too would have been more compatible to us than [[Christianity]]. Why did it have to be Christianity with its meekness and flabbiness?
** [[Adolf Hitler]], as quoted in ''Inside the Third Reich: Memoirs'', by [[Albert Speer]], p. 115

===I===
* [The Immigration Agency] considers filming while knowing that recording is prohibited inside the facilities to be an unforgivable act, no matter how much it is based on personal conviction.
** The Immigration Agency [https://www3.nhk.or.jp/nhkworld/en/news/backstories/1995/ Opening the 'Black Box' of Japan's immigration system] (16 hours ago)

===K===
*Great Japan is the divine land. The heavenly progenitor founded it, and the Sun Goddess bequested it to her descendants to rule eternally. Only in our country is this true; there are no similar examples in other countries. That is why our country is called the divine land.
**[[w:Kitabatake Chikafusa|Kitabatake Chikafusa]], ''[[w:Jinnō Shōtōki|Jinnō Shōtōki]]'' (''A Chronicle of the Direct Descent of Gods and Sovereigns'') (1339), ed. H. Paul Varley (1980), p. 49

*[[South Korea]] spends the equivalent of 1.7 percent of its GDP on caring for the old, just one step above the stingiest [[w:OECD|OECD]] member; [[Mexico]]. Neighboring Japan, on the other hand, is generous to its seniors, doling out an amount corresponding to 8.9 percent of its GDP on the archipelago’s vast grey-haired population.
**Se-woong Koo, [http://www.koreaexpose.com/voices/no-country-for-old-people/ &quot;No Country For Old People&quot;] (24 September 2014), ''Korea Exposé''.

===M===
*The Japanese people, since the war, have undergone the greatest reformation recorded in modern history. With a commendable will, eagerness to learn, and marked capacity to understand, they have, from the ashes left in war's wake, erected in Japan an edifice dedicated to the supremacy of individual liberty and personal dignity; and in the ensuing process there has been created a truly representative government committed to the advance of political morality, [[Free enterprise|freedom of economic enterprise]], and [[social justice]]. Politically, economically, and socially Japan is now abreast of many free nations of the earth and will not again fail the universal trust. That it may be counted upon to wield a profoundly beneficial influence over the course of events in Asia is attested by the magnificent manner in which the Japanese people have met the recent challenge of war, unrest, and confusion surrounding them from the outside and checked communism within their own frontiers without the slightest slackening in their forward progress. I sent all four of our occupation divisions to the [[Korean War|Korean battlefront]] without the slightest qualms as to the effect of the resulting power vacuum upon Japan. The results fully justified my faith. I know of no nation more serene, orderly, and industrious, nor in which higher hopes can be entertained for future constructive service in the advance of the human race.
**[[Douglas MacArthur]], [https://www.americanrhetoric.com/speeches/douglasmacarthurfarewelladdress.htm 1951 Farewell Speech to Congress], 
*A nation of [[Deity|deities]] with the [[w:Japanese Emperor|Emperor]] at its center.
**[[Yoshirō Mori]], as quoted in [http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/750180.stm &quot;Japanese PM sparks holy row&quot;] (16 May 2000), ''BBC News'', United Kingdom: British Broadcasting Corporation.

*Ensure Japan's security and defend the ''[[w:Kokutai|kokutai]]''.
**[[Yoshirō Mori]], as quoted in [http://articles.latimes.com/2000/jun/05/news/mn-37760 &quot;Mori's Remarks Again Draw Criticism&quot;] (5 June 2000), ''Associated Press''.

* The basic stupidity of modern Japan is that we’ve learned absolutely nothing from our contact with other [[Asia|Asian]] peoples.
**Haruki Murakami, ''A Wild Sheep Chase'

===O===
*Japan has been a great partner on issues.
**[[Barack Obama]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSq0q-RrMMQ meeting with Tarō Asō] (February 2009).

* Today is a chance for [[United States|Americans]], especially our young people, to say thank you for all the things we love from Japan. Like [[w:Karate|karate]] and [[w:Karaoke|karaoke]]. Manga and [[w:anime|anime]]. And, of course, [[w:Emoji|emojis]].
** [[Barack Obama]] [http://comicbook.com/2015/04/29/president-barack-obama-thanks-japan-for-anime-and-manga/ Comicbook.com] (2015/04/29)

* In [[Asia]], the memories of Imperial Japan are still fresh.
** [[w:Morris O'Dell|Morris O'Dell]], as quoted in ''[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELjr799XoME&amp;feature=youtu.be&amp;list=PLpMZ4IkRJgZXahriTIE8ILuSujGVAeQZ-&amp;t=174 Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell: Chaos Theory]'' (2005).

:'''Hana-ogi''': It is very difficult for Japanese women to speak in public. I have never done so, but, perhaps, now it is the time.
:*''[[Sayonara]]'' (1952). written by Paul Osborn. As well as Japanese animation, [[technology]] has a huge influence on Japanese society, and also Japanese novels. I think it's because before, people tended to think that [[ideology]] or religion were the things that actually changed people, but it's been proven that that's not the case. I think nowadays, technology has been proven to be the thing that's actually changing people. So in that sense, it's become a theme in Japanese culture. 
:*[[w:Mamoru Oshii|Mamoru Oshii]], [http://www.avclub.com/article/mamoru-oshii-13890 &quot;Mamoru Oshii&quot;], Tasha Robinson, ''A.V. Club'', Sep 15, 2004.

=== R ===
* '''Yesterday, December 7, 1941—a date which will live in infamy—the [[United States|United States of America]] was suddenly and deliberately [[Attack on Pearl Harbor|attacked]] by naval and air forces of the Empire of Japan.''' The United States was at peace with that Nation and, at the solicitation of Japan, was still in conversation with its Government and its Emperor looking toward the maintenance of peace in the Pacific. Indeed, one hour after Japanese air squadrons had commenced bombing in the American Island of [[w:Oahu|Oahu]], the Japanese Ambassador to the United States and his colleague delivered to our [[Cordell Hull|Secretary of State]] a formal reply to a recent American message. And while this reply stated that it seemed useless to continue the existing diplomatic negotiations, it contained no threat or hint of war or of armed attack.
**[[Franklin D. Roosevelt]], [https://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/documents/address-congress-requesting-declaration-war-with-japan Address to Congress Requesting a Declaration of War with Japan], (8 September 1941) 
*It will be recorded that the distance of [[Hawaii]] from Japan makes it obvious that the attack was deliberately planned many days or even weeks ago. During the intervening time the Japanese Government has deliberately sought to deceive the United States by false statements and expressions of hope for continued peace. The attack yesterday on the Hawaiian Islands has caused severe damage to [[United States Armed Forces|American naval and military forces]]. I regret to tell you that very many American lives have been lost. In addition American ships have been reported torpedoed on the high seas between [[San Francisco]] and [[w:Honolulu|Honolulu]]. Yesterday the Japanese Government also launched an attack against [[w:British Malaya|Malaya]]. Last night Japanese forces attacked [[Hong Kong]]. Last night Japanese forces attacked [[w:Guam|Guam]]. Last night Japanese forces attacked the [[Philippines|Philippine Islands]]. Last night the Japanese attacked [[w:Wake Island|Wake Island]]. And this morning the Japanese attacked [[w:Midway Island|Midway Island]]. Japan has, therefore, undertaken a surprise offensive extending throughout the Pacific area. The facts of yesterday and today speak for themselves. The people of the United States have already formed their opinions and well understand the implications to the very life and safety of our Nation.
**[[Franklin D. Roosevelt]], [https://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/documents/address-congress-requesting-declaration-war-with-japan Address to Congress Requesting a Declaration of War with Japan], (8 September 1941) 
*Japan's scheme of conquest goes back half a century. It was not merely a policy of seeking living room: it was a plan which included the subjugation of all the peoples in the Far East and in the islands of the Pacific, and the domination of that ocean by Japanese military and naval control of the western coasts of [[North America|North]], [[w:Central America|Central]], and [[w:South America|South America]]. The development of this ambitious conspiracy was marked by the [[w:First Sino-Japanese War|war against China]] in 1894; the subsequent [[Korea under Japanese rule|occupation of Korea]]; the [[w:Russo-Japanese War|war against Russia]] in 1904; the illegal fortification of the [[w:South Seas Mandate|mandated Pacific islands]] following 1920; the [[w:Mukden incident|seizure of Manchuria]] in 1931; and the [[w:Second Sino-Japanese War|invasion of China]] in 1937. 
** [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]], 1942 State of the Union Address

===S===
*Mister! Can you tell me where my love has gone? He's a Japanese boy!
**[[w:Aneka|Mary Sandeman]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DIcc0wHimtw &quot;Japanese Boy&quot;]

* The government is putting as much money into the [[w:Economy of Japan|economy]] through this package, and through additional spending, as the increased [[w:Sales tax|sales tax]] will put out.&lt;!--Martin Schulz of Fujitsu Research Institute in Tokyo told the BBC. That means growth in the coming quarters will be stable and the hike will have no lasting impact on growth in 2014.--&gt;
** [[w:Martin Schulz|Martin Schulz]], of Fujitsu Research Institute in Tokyo, quoted on ''BBC News'', [http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-25295708 &quot;Japan's economic growth revised down&quot;], December 8, 2013.

* This has happened before and in some cases the islands disappeared. If it becomes a full-fledged island, we would be happy to have more territory.
** [[w:Yoshihide Suga|Yoshihide Suga]], Japan's chief government spokesman, quoted on ''[[Fox News]]'', [http://www.foxnews.com/science/2013/12/19/new-images-japans-bouncing-baby-island-niijima/ &quot;New island off Japan keeps growing and growing&quot;] (19 December 2013).

*It is a common concern of the international community that China tries to change the situation and increase tensions in the [[South China Sea]] by carrying out extensive and rapid land reclamation, building its base in the region and utilizing it for military purposes. We have deep concerns over such actions and want to re-emphasize that Japan cannot accept (them)
**[[w:Yoshihide Suga|Yoshihide Suga]] said at a press conference, Japan's chief government spokesman on China deploying missiles in an island in the South China Sea, quoted on ''Edition.CNN'' (February 18, 2016), [http://edition.cnn.com/2016/02/16/asia/china-missiles-south-china-sea/index.html &quot;China said to deploy missiles on South China Sea island&quot;]

===T===
* In Japan, strong girls are very popular. The tradition of my country has in the Tarazuka, the Japanese theater in which only women take part, the maximum level of feminine emancipation. These actress cover all roles of the plays, even the male ones. I was inspired by them to create Haruka. It wasn't easy to make children understand how there could be true love between two women. Haruka is a tomboy, she talks and dresses like a boy, and therefore it's natural she falls in love with Michiru. 
* The [[w:List of Sailor Moon characters|senshi]] are very sexy, and boys like it. In Japan, moreover, boys are quite weak and they search for a strong partner. They want to be dominated, and the senshi are ready to do it. 
:* [[w:Naoko Takeuchi|Naoko Takeuchi]] [http://www.kicie.net/realm/naoko.htm &quot;An interview with Naoko Takeuchi&quot;], ''Kappa Magazine'', #51, September 1996.

* Business travellers visiting Japan are usually easily forgiven for whatever they do, including dressing down for Cool Biz. When in doubt, they can always say sumimasen (or 'excuse me') at the beginning of the meeting, should they find themselves underdressed for the occasion.
** [[w:Stanley Tan|Stanley Tan]], Director of Sales and Marketing at Tokyo’s Shangri-La Hotel, quoted on ''BBC Travel'', [http://www.bbc.com/travel/blog/20110720-dressing-down-in-tokyo &quot;Dressing Down In Tokyo&quot;], July 20, 2011.

* A year ago this time, the third quarter figure for 2012... we were talking about negative growth of more than 3%.
** [[w:Tomohiko Taniguchi|Tomohiko Taniguchi]], Japan's councillor of the cabinet secretariat, quoted on ''BBC News'', [http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-24936348 &quot;Japan's economic growth slows down&quot;], November 14, 2013.

* Japan has a lot of engineers who work at desks. When it comes to implementation, though, they lose confidence and haven't got the courage of their convictions when other people criticize them. Engineers like that can't build cars. Success in this industry demands engineers who have the courage and the decisiveness to implement ideas.
** [[Kiichiro Toyoda]] in the 1940s cited in: Satoshi Hino (2005). ''Inside the Mind of Toyota: Management Principles for Enduring Growth.'' p. 93

===V===
*[[China]] is building, inventing, struggling and marching forward, confidently, surrounded by friends, but independently. Japan is tied up and restrained. It cannot move. It doesn’t even know how to move, how to resist, anymore. And that is why Japan hates China!
**[[w:Andre Vltchek|Andre Vltchek]] in [https://www.globalresearch.ca/why-is-japan-so-bitter-about-the-unstoppable-rise-of-china/5665375 ''Why Is Japan so Bitter About The Unstoppable Rise of China?  Global Research,''] (13 January 2019)

*[[Homelessness|Homeless]] people are everywhere.... Entire rural [[Village|villages]] are being depopulated, in fact turning into [[w:Ghost town|ghost towns]]. There is rust, bad planning and an acute lack of anything public, all over the country... Japan is in decay. For many years, it was possible, with half-closed eyes, to ignore it, as the country was due to inertia hanging on to the top spot of the richest nations on [[Earth]]. But not anymore: the deterioration is now just too visible.  The decay is not as drastic as one can observe in some parts of [[France]], the [[United States]], or the [[United Kingdom|UK]]. But decay it is. The optimistic, heady days of nation-building are over. The Automobile industry and other corporations are literally cannibalizing the country, dictating its lifestyle. In smaller cities, motorists do not yield on pedestrian crossings anymore. [[Car|Cars]] are prioritized by urban planners, and some urban planners are paid, bribery by the car industry. Many areas can now only be reached by cars. There are hardly any public exercise machines, and almost no new parks. Japan, which prides itself on producing some of the most refined food, is now fully overwhelmed by several chains of convenience stores, which are full of unhealthy foodstuff.
**[[w:Andre Vltchek|Andre Vltchek]] in [https://www.globalresearch.ca/why-is-japan-so-bitter-about-the-unstoppable-rise-of-china/5665375 ''Why Is Japan so Bitter About The Unstoppable Rise of China?  Global Research,''] (13 January 2019)

===W===
*It seems that the ideology of [[w:Sacred king|sacred kingship]] was created, restored, and reinforced in Japan at the time of national crisis. The second half of the seventh century was exactly such a period. Japan faced a national crisis again in the second half of the nineteenth century when, according to its internal logic, the ideal of the ''[[w:Ritsuryō|ritsu-ryō]]'' state with its sacred kingship ideology woke up from its long sleep and was reestablished with some inevitable modifications. In this respect, I hold that the conceptions of state and kingship in ancient Japan have provided for Japanese society a structural continuity that has never been lost, though the society has undergone various historical changes and transformations from archaic times down to the present.
**[[w:Manabu Waida|Manabu Waida]], 'Sacred Kingship in Early Japan: A Historical Introduction', ''History of Religions'', Vol. 15, No. 4 (May, 1976), p. 342

==See also==
*[[Japan during World War II]]
**[[Atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki]]
*[[History of Japan–Korea relations]]

== External links ==
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      <text bytes="31104" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Satellite View of Japan 1999.jpg|thumb|Travelers visiting Japan are usually easily forgiven for whatever they do, including dressing down for Cool Biz. When in doubt, they can always say sumimasen. ~ [[w:Stanley Tan|Stanley Tan]]]]
[[File:Barack Obama &amp; Taro Aso in the Oval Office 2-24-09.JPG|thumb|Japan has been a great partner. ~ [[Barack Obama]]]]
[[File:Sri aurobindo.jpg|thumb|right|
The Japanese have a wonderful power of [[self-control]]. They don't lose their temper or quarrel with you, but if their honour is violated they may [[kill]] you. They can be bitter [[enemies]].... The Japanese also have a high sense of chivalry.... But these things perhaps belong to the past. It is a great pity that people who have carried such ideals into practice are losing them through contact with European civilization. ~ [[Sri Aurobindo]]]]
[[File:Merchant flag of Japan (1870).svg|thumb|Aspiring sincerely to an international peace based on justice and order, the Japanese people forever renounce war. ~ ''[[w:Article 9 of the Japanese Constitution|Article 9 of the Constitution of Japan]]'']]
[[File:A member of the Japanese Ground Self-Defense Force, foreground, rests during a patrolling exercise at Marine Corps Base Camp Pendleton, Calif., June 12, 2013, during exercise Dawn Blitz 2013 130612-M-JU912-072.jpg|thumb|The Japanese can only fulfill it by the sword. ~ [[w:Friedrich von Bernhardi|Friedrich von Bernhardi]]]]
[[File:Samurai.jpg|thumb|You see, it's been [[Germany|our]] misfortune to have the wrong religion. Why didn't [[Germany|we]] have the religion of the Japanese, who regard sacrifice for the Fatherland as the highest good? ~ [[Adolf Hitler]]]]
[[File:Atomic cloud over Hiroshima.jpg|thumb|The Japanese were ready to surrender, and it wasn't necessary to hit them with that awful thing. ~ [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]]]]
[[File:Major US military bases in Japan (zh).svg|thumb|Major U.S. military bases in Japan.]]

[[w:Japan|'''Japan''']], also known as '''Nippon''', is an island country in eastern [[Asia]]. It is located in the [[w:Pacific Ocean|Pacific Ocean]] and it lies to the east of the [[w:Sea of Japan|Sea of Japan]], [[China]], [[North Korea]], [[South Korea]] and [[Russia]], stretching from the [[w:Sea of Okhotsk|Sea of Okhotsk]] in the north to the [[w:East China Sea|East China Sea]] and [[Taiwan]] in the south.

Japan is a [[w:great power|great power]] and a member of numerous international organizations, including the [[United Nations]] (since 1956), the [[w:OECD|OECD]], and the [[w:Group of Seven|Group of Seven]]. Although it has [[w:Article 9 of the Japanese Constitution|renounced its right to declare war]], the country maintains [[w:Japan Self-Defense Forces|Self-Defense Forces]] that rank as one of the world's strongest militaries. After [[World War II]], Japan experienced record growth in [[w:Japanese economic miracle|an economic miracle]], becoming the [[w:List of countries by largest historical GDP|second-largest economy]] in the world by 1990. As of 2021, [[w:Economy of Japan|the country's economy]] is the [[w:List of countries by GDP (nominal)|third-largest by nominal GDP]] and the [[w:List of countries by GDP (PPP)|fourth-largest by PPP]]. A global leader in the [[w:Automotive industry in Japan|automotive]] and [[w:Electronics industry in Japan|electronics industries]], Japan has made significant contributions to [[w:Science and technology in Japan|science and technology]]. Ranked &quot;very high&quot; on the [[w:Human Development Index|Human Development Index]], Japan has the world's [[w:List of countries by life expectancy|highest life expectancy]], though it is experiencing [[w:Aging of Japan|a decline in population]]. The [[w:culture of Japan|culture of Japan]] is well known around the world, including its [[w:Japanese art|art]], [[w:Japanese cuisine|cuisine]], [[w:Music of Japan|music]], and [[w:Japanese popular culture|popular culture]], which encompasses prominent [[Manga|comic]], [[Anime|animation]] and [[w:Video games in Japan|video game]] industries.
__NOTOC__
{{TOCalpha}}

== Quotes ==
===A===
* I don’t see any [[adults]] here in Japan. The fact that you see salarymen reading [[manga]] and [[pornography]] on the [[Rail transport|trains]] and being unafraid, unashamed or anything, is something you wouldn’t have seen 30 years ago, with people who grew up under a different system of government. They would have been far too embarrassed to open a book of cartoons or dirty pictures on a train. But that’s what we have now in Japan. We are a country of children.
** [[w:Hideaki Anno|Hideaki Anno]]  [https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2007/05/let-s-die-together/305776/ &quot;Let's Die Together&quot;], ''Atlantic Magazine'', May 2007.

*One [[culture]], one [[civilization]], one [[language]], and one [[Ethnicity|ethnic group]].
**[[Tarō Asō]], as quoted in [http://news.newamericamedia.org/news/view_article.html?article_id=f6f50bd7a1687ece711a7ef721bb6fb8 &quot;Ghosts of Wartime Japan Haunt Koizumi's Cabinet&quot;] (3 November 2005), by Christopher Reed, ''New America Media''

*Luckily, we Japanese have yellow faces.
**[[Tarō Asō]], [http://www.theguardian.com/world/2007/mar/23/japan.usa speech] (2007)

*'''The Japanese have a wonderful power of [[self-control]].''' They don't lose their temper or quarrel with you, but if their honour is violated they may [[kill]] you. They can be bitter [[enemies]].... The Japanese also have a high sense of chivalry.... '''But these things perhaps belong to the past.''' It is a great pity that people who have carried such ideals into practice are losing them through contact with [[Europe|European]] civilization. That is a great harm that European vulgarizing has done to Japan. Now you find most people [[mercantile]] in their outlook and they will do anything for the sake of [[money]].....
**Sri Aurobindo, December 30, 1938, quoted from [[Sri Aurobindo]], ., Nahar, S., Aurobindo, ., &amp; Institut de recherches évolutives (Paris). ''India's rebirth: A selection from Sri Aurobindo's writing, talks and speeches.'' Paris: Institut de Recherches Evolutives. 3rd Edition (2000). [https://web.archive.org/web/20170826004028/http://bharatvani.org/books/ir/IR_frontpage.htm]

===B===
*Won't you stretch imagination for a moment and come with me. Let us hasten to a nation lying over the western sea. Hide behind the cherry blossoms; here's a sight that will please your eyes. There's a lady with a baby of Japan, singing lullabies. Hear her as she sighs.
** [[w:Nora Bayes|Nora Bayes]], [http://lyricsplayground.com/alpha/songs/t/thejapanesesandman.shtml &quot;The Japanese Sandman&quot;] (1920)

* The Japanese can only fulfill it by the sword.
** [[w:Friedrich von Bernhardi|Friedrich von Bernhardi]], ''Germany and the next War'' (1911), Chapter XIII

===C===
*[[w:Basil Hall Chamberlain|B.H. Chamberlain]], in his ''Things Japanese'' (London, 1898), says: &quot;All [[education]] was for centuries in [[Buddhism|Buddhist]] hands; Buddhism introduced [[art]], introduced [[medicine]], moulded the folklore of the country, created its dramatic [[poetry]], deeply influenced politics and every sphere of social and intellectual activity. In a word, Buddhism was the teacher under whose instruction the nation grew up.&quot; A.S. Geden, while quoting the above passage, further adds that &quot;In a larger sense of these terms, Japan owes more educationally to [[Buddhist]] influence and instruction than perhaps any other nation, with the possible exception of the Burmese&quot;. When Europe forced its way into Japan, it found that most Japanese, men as well as women, could read and write. They were educated by Buddhist monks in their &quot;temple-huts&quot;, known as tera-koya. Attendance at these schools was entirely voluntary. &quot;There were also schools open for girls, which were, it may be assumed, always under the direction of the nuns&quot;.
**[[w:Basil Hall Chamberlain|B.H. Chamberlain]], A.S. Geden. quoted in Ram Swarup (2000). On Hinduism: Reviews and reflections. Ch. 6.

*Japan has demonstrated the possible industrial dynamism of a highly deferential society, indeed a society which has only recently masked the values and practices of a [[w:Divine right of kings|divine-right]] monarchy.
**[[w:J. C. D. Clark|J. C. D. Clark]], ''English Society 1688–1832: Ideology, Social Structure and Political Practice During the Ancien Regime'' (1985), p. 73

* Aspiring sincerely to an international [[peace]] based on [[justice]] and [[order]], '''the Japanese people forever renounce war''' as a sovereign right of the nation and the threat or use of force as means of settling international disputes.
** ''[[w:Article 9 of the Japanese Constitution|Article 9 of the Constitution of Japan]]'' (3 May 1947)

===D===
*The right of locomotion; the right of migration; the right which belongs to no particular race, but belongs alike to all and to all alike. It is the right you assert by staying here, and your fathers asserted by coming here. It is this great right that I assert for the [[China|Chinese]] and the Japanese, and for all other varieties of men equally with yourselves, now and forever.
**[[Frederick Douglass]], [http://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/document/our-composite-nationality/ ''Our Composite Nationality''] (7 December 1869), [[Boston|Boston, Massachusetts]].

===E===
* '''I was against [[w:Atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki|it]] on two counts. First, the Japanese were ready to surrender, and it wasn't necessary to hit them with that awful thing. Second, I hated to see [[United States|our country]] be the first [[Atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki|to use such a weapon]].'''
** [[Dwight D. Eisenhower|Dwight David Eisenhower]], On his stated opposition to the use of the [[Nuclear weapons|atomic bomb]] against the Japanese at the end of [[World War II]], as quoted in Newsweek (11 November 1963)

===F===
*The Japanese spirit wavered from then on between the lure of the West and the need to preserve her territorial integrity. Slowly, inexorably, Western civilization covered up with its veneer this other civilization patiently built up in the course of centuries, long nurtured in suffering and in pride by generations of men and women. But this was only in semblance. '''The Japan of old still dwells deep in the soul of every inhabitant of her islands and manifests itself at every turn in some euphuistic subtlety or an exquisitely delicate courtesy.''' ... The spirit of Japan, conceived in the [[w:Nara period|Nara epoch]], carried in the womb of her islands throughout the [[w:Heian period|Heian period]], delivered in the anguish of the [[Middle Ages]], schooled by the rod of iron of the [[w:Tokugawa Shogunate|Tokugawas]], fully grown now, benefited from all her past experiences. '''She cannot forget them.'''
**[[Louis Frédéric|Frédéric, Louis]] (1984). Daily life in Japan at the time of the samurai, 1185-1603. Tokyo: Tuttle.

*So why is Japan different? Why do its top officials &amp;ndash; and this trend extends across senior government posts &amp;ndash; resign office, seemingly at the drop of a hat? The theories are endless, most of them relying on oft-repeated but simplistic [[Stereotype|stereotypes]] about the supposed centrality of [[honor]], saving face, and respect in [[w:Japanese culture|Japanese culture]]... Japan's problems are too vast, and its strengths too great, to be ruled by something as capricious and frivolous as the whims of the majority.
**[[Max Fisher]], [http://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2011/06/why-do-japanese-prime-ministers-keep-resigning/239850/ &quot;Why Do Japanese Prime Ministers Keep Resigning&quot;] (3 June 2011), ''[[w:The Atlantic|The Atlantic]]''.

*Those Oriental people work like dogs. They work their hearts out. They are workers non-stop. They sleep beside their machines. That's why they're successful in life. I went to [[Seoul]], [[South Korea]], I went to [[w:Taipei|Taipei]], [[Taiwan]]. I went to [[w:Tokyo|Tokyo, Japan]]. That's why these people are so hard workers. I'm telling you, the Oriental people, they're slowly taking over.
**[[Rob Ford]], [http://www.citynews.ca/2008/03/14/asian-protestors-stage-city-hall-sit-in-over-rob-fords-oriental-comments/ council meeting] (5 March 2008).

*Japan must import all of its major [[w:Minerals|minerals]], from [[oil]] to [[w:Aluminum|aluminum]]. Without those imports-particularly [[oil]]-Japan stops being an industrial power in a matter of months.
**[[George Friedman]], [https://www.amazon.com/Next-100-Years-Forecast-Century/dp/038551705X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1498628991&amp;sr=1-1 ''The Next 100 Years: A Forecast for the 21st Century''] (2009), p. 67, Doubleday

===H===
*In the U.S., if you are a singer, you're usually a singer for life. In Japan, you branch out... Japan needs more child care places that are government funded. Big companies need to have day care centers. I used to take my kids on location. Sometimes my boss held my baby while I worked.  
**[[w:Yū Hayami|Yū Hayami]], as quoted in [http://www.japantoday.com/category/arts-culture/view/here%E2%80%99s-looking-at-yu &quot;Here's looking at Yu&quot;] (28 November 2008), by Chris Betros, ''Japan Today''

*People all over the world refer to Japan as the Land of the Gods, and call us the descendants of the gods. Indeed, it is exactly as they say: our country, as a special mark of favour from the heavenly gods, was begotten by them, and there is thus so immense a difference between Japan and all the other countries as to defy comparison. Ours is a splendid and blessed country, the Land of the Gods beyond any doubt, and we, down to the most humble man and woman, are the descendants of the gods... Japanese differ completely from and are superior to the peoples of China, India, Russia, Holland, Siam, Cambodia, and all other countries of the world, and for us to have called our country the Land of the Gods was not mere vainglory. It was the gods who formed all the lands of the world at the Creation, and these gods were without exception born in Japan. Japan is thus the homeland of the gods, and that is why we call it the Land of the Gods.
**[[w:Hirata Atsutane|Hirata Atsutane]], ''Kodō Taii'' (''Summary of the Ancient Way'') (1811), quoted in Ryusaku Tsunoda, William Theodore de Bary and Donald Keene (eds.), ''Sources of Japanese Tradition'' (1958), p. 544

* You see, '''it's been [[Germany|our]] misfortune to have the wrong [[religion]]. Why didn't [[Germany|we]] have the [[w:Shintoism|religion of the Japanese]], who regard sacrifice for the Fatherland as the highest good?''' The [[Islam|Mohammedan religion]] too would have been more compatible to us than [[Christianity]]. Why did it have to be Christianity with its meekness and flabbiness?
** [[Adolf Hitler]], as quoted in ''Inside the Third Reich: Memoirs'', by [[Albert Speer]], p. 115

===I===
* [The Immigration Agency] considers filming while knowing that recording is prohibited inside the facilities to be an unforgivable act, no matter how much it is based on personal conviction.
** The Immigration Agency [https://www3.nhk.or.jp/nhkworld/en/news/backstories/1995/ Opening the 'Black Box' of Japan's immigration system] (16 hours ago)

===K===
*Great Japan is the divine land. The heavenly progenitor founded it, and the Sun Goddess bequeathed it to her descendants to rule eternally. Only in our country is this true; there are no similar examples in other countries. That is why our country is called the divine land.
**[[w:Kitabatake Chikafusa|Kitabatake Chikafusa]], ''[[w:Jinnō Shōtōki|Jinnō Shōtōki]]'' (''A Chronicle of the Direct Descent of Gods and Sovereigns'') (1339), ed. H. Paul Varley (1980), p. 49

*[[South Korea]] spends the equivalent of 1.7 percent of its GDP on caring for the old, just one step above the stingiest [[w:OECD|OECD]] member; [[Mexico]]. Neighboring Japan, on the other hand, is generous to its seniors, doling out an amount corresponding to 8.9 percent of its GDP on the archipelago’s vast grey-haired population.
**Se-woong Koo, [http://www.koreaexpose.com/voices/no-country-for-old-people/ &quot;No Country For Old People&quot;] (24 September 2014), ''Korea Exposé''.

===M===
*The Japanese people, since the war, have undergone the greatest reformation recorded in modern history. With a commendable will, eagerness to learn, and marked capacity to understand, they have, from the ashes left in war's wake, erected in Japan an edifice dedicated to the supremacy of individual liberty and personal dignity; and in the ensuing process there has been created a truly representative government committed to the advance of political morality, [[Free enterprise|freedom of economic enterprise]], and [[social justice]]. Politically, economically, and socially Japan is now abreast of many free nations of the earth and will not again fail the universal trust. That it may be counted upon to wield a profoundly beneficial influence over the course of events in Asia is attested by the magnificent manner in which the Japanese people have met the recent challenge of war, unrest, and confusion surrounding them from the outside and checked communism within their own frontiers without the slightest slackening in their forward progress. I sent all four of our occupation divisions to the [[Korean War|Korean battlefront]] without the slightest qualms as to the effect of the resulting power vacuum upon Japan. The results fully justified my faith. I know of no nation more serene, orderly, and industrious, nor in which higher hopes can be entertained for future constructive service in the advance of the human race.
**[[Douglas MacArthur]], [https://www.americanrhetoric.com/speeches/douglasmacarthurfarewelladdress.htm 1951 Farewell Speech to Congress], 
*A nation of [[Deity|deities]] with the [[w:Japanese Emperor|Emperor]] at its center.
**[[Yoshirō Mori]], as quoted in [http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/750180.stm &quot;Japanese PM sparks holy row&quot;] (16 May 2000), ''BBC News'', United Kingdom: British Broadcasting Corporation.

*Ensure Japan's security and defend the ''[[w:Kokutai|kokutai]]''.
**[[Yoshirō Mori]], as quoted in [http://articles.latimes.com/2000/jun/05/news/mn-37760 &quot;Mori's Remarks Again Draw Criticism&quot;] (5 June 2000), ''Associated Press''.

* The basic stupidity of modern Japan is that we’ve learned absolutely nothing from our contact with other [[Asia|Asian]] peoples.
**Haruki Murakami, ''A Wild Sheep Chase'

===O===
*Japan has been a great partner on issues.
**[[Barack Obama]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSq0q-RrMMQ meeting with Tarō Asō] (February 2009).

* Today is a chance for [[United States|Americans]], especially our young people, to say thank you for all the things we love from Japan. Like [[w:Karate|karate]] and [[w:Karaoke|karaoke]]. Manga and [[w:anime|anime]]. And, of course, [[w:Emoji|emojis]].
** [[Barack Obama]] [http://comicbook.com/2015/04/29/president-barack-obama-thanks-japan-for-anime-and-manga/ Comicbook.com] (2015/04/29)

* In [[Asia]], the memories of Imperial Japan are still fresh.
** [[w:Morris O'Dell|Morris O'Dell]], as quoted in ''[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELjr799XoME&amp;feature=youtu.be&amp;list=PLpMZ4IkRJgZXahriTIE8ILuSujGVAeQZ-&amp;t=174 Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell: Chaos Theory]'' (2005).

:'''Hana-ogi''': It is very difficult for Japanese women to speak in public. I have never done so, but, perhaps, now it is the time.
:*''[[Sayonara]]'' (1952). written by Paul Osborn. As well as Japanese animation, [[technology]] has a huge influence on Japanese society, and also Japanese novels. I think it's because before, people tended to think that [[ideology]] or religion were the things that actually changed people, but it's been proven that that's not the case. I think nowadays, technology has been proven to be the thing that's actually changing people. So in that sense, it's become a theme in Japanese culture. 
:*[[w:Mamoru Oshii|Mamoru Oshii]], [http://www.avclub.com/article/mamoru-oshii-13890 &quot;Mamoru Oshii&quot;], Tasha Robinson, ''A.V. Club'', Sep 15, 2004.

=== R ===
* '''Yesterday, December 7, 1941—a date which will live in infamy—the [[United States|United States of America]] was suddenly and deliberately [[Attack on Pearl Harbor|attacked]] by naval and air forces of the Empire of Japan.''' The United States was at peace with that Nation and, at the solicitation of Japan, was still in conversation with its Government and its Emperor looking toward the maintenance of peace in the Pacific. Indeed, one hour after Japanese air squadrons had commenced bombing in the American Island of [[w:Oahu|Oahu]], the Japanese Ambassador to the United States and his colleague delivered to our [[Cordell Hull|Secretary of State]] a formal reply to a recent American message. And while this reply stated that it seemed useless to continue the existing diplomatic negotiations, it contained no threat or hint of war or of armed attack.
**[[Franklin D. Roosevelt]], [https://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/documents/address-congress-requesting-declaration-war-with-japan Address to Congress Requesting a Declaration of War with Japan], (8 September 1941) 
*It will be recorded that the distance of [[Hawaii]] from Japan makes it obvious that the attack was deliberately planned many days or even weeks ago. During the intervening time the Japanese Government has deliberately sought to deceive the United States by false statements and expressions of hope for continued peace. The attack yesterday on the Hawaiian Islands has caused severe damage to [[United States Armed Forces|American naval and military forces]]. I regret to tell you that very many American lives have been lost. In addition American ships have been reported torpedoed on the high seas between [[San Francisco]] and [[w:Honolulu|Honolulu]]. Yesterday the Japanese Government also launched an attack against [[w:British Malaya|Malaya]]. Last night Japanese forces attacked [[Hong Kong]]. Last night Japanese forces attacked [[w:Guam|Guam]]. Last night Japanese forces attacked the [[Philippines|Philippine Islands]]. Last night the Japanese attacked [[w:Wake Island|Wake Island]]. And this morning the Japanese attacked [[w:Midway Island|Midway Island]]. Japan has, therefore, undertaken a surprise offensive extending throughout the Pacific area. The facts of yesterday and today speak for themselves. The people of the United States have already formed their opinions and well understand the implications to the very life and safety of our Nation.
**[[Franklin D. Roosevelt]], [https://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/documents/address-congress-requesting-declaration-war-with-japan Address to Congress Requesting a Declaration of War with Japan], (8 September 1941) 
*Japan's scheme of conquest goes back half a century. It was not merely a policy of seeking living room: it was a plan which included the subjugation of all the peoples in the Far East and in the islands of the Pacific, and the domination of that ocean by Japanese military and naval control of the western coasts of [[North America|North]], [[w:Central America|Central]], and [[w:South America|South America]]. The development of this ambitious conspiracy was marked by the [[w:First Sino-Japanese War|war against China]] in 1894; the subsequent [[Korea under Japanese rule|occupation of Korea]]; the [[w:Russo-Japanese War|war against Russia]] in 1904; the illegal fortification of the [[w:South Seas Mandate|mandated Pacific islands]] following 1920; the [[w:Mukden incident|seizure of Manchuria]] in 1931; and the [[w:Second Sino-Japanese War|invasion of China]] in 1937. 
** [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]], 1942 State of the Union Address

===S===
*Mister! Can you tell me where my love has gone? He's a Japanese boy!
**[[w:Aneka|Mary Sandeman]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DIcc0wHimtw &quot;Japanese Boy&quot;]

* The government is putting as much money into the [[w:Economy of Japan|economy]] through this package, and through additional spending, as the increased [[w:Sales tax|sales tax]] will put out.&lt;!--Martin Schulz of Fujitsu Research Institute in Tokyo told the BBC. That means growth in the coming quarters will be stable and the hike will have no lasting impact on growth in 2014.--&gt;
** [[w:Martin Schulz|Martin Schulz]], of Fujitsu Research Institute in Tokyo, quoted on ''BBC News'', [http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-25295708 &quot;Japan's economic growth revised down&quot;], December 8, 2013.

* This has happened before and in some cases the islands disappeared. If it becomes a full-fledged island, we would be happy to have more territory.
** [[w:Yoshihide Suga|Yoshihide Suga]], Japan's chief government spokesman, quoted on ''[[Fox News]]'', [http://www.foxnews.com/science/2013/12/19/new-images-japans-bouncing-baby-island-niijima/ &quot;New island off Japan keeps growing and growing&quot;] (19 December 2013).

*It is a common concern of the international community that China tries to change the situation and increase tensions in the [[South China Sea]] by carrying out extensive and rapid land reclamation, building its base in the region and utilizing it for military purposes. We have deep concerns over such actions and want to re-emphasize that Japan cannot accept (them)
**[[w:Yoshihide Suga|Yoshihide Suga]] said at a press conference, Japan's chief government spokesman on China deploying missiles in an island in the South China Sea, quoted on ''Edition.CNN'' (February 18, 2016), [http://edition.cnn.com/2016/02/16/asia/china-missiles-south-china-sea/index.html &quot;China said to deploy missiles on South China Sea island&quot;]

===T===
* In Japan, strong girls are very popular. The tradition of my country has in the Tarazuka, the Japanese theater in which only women take part, the maximum level of feminine emancipation. These actress cover all roles of the plays, even the male ones. I was inspired by them to create Haruka. It wasn't easy to make children understand how there could be true love between two women. Haruka is a tomboy, she talks and dresses like a boy, and therefore it's natural she falls in love with Michiru. 
* The [[w:List of Sailor Moon characters|senshi]] are very sexy, and boys like it. In Japan, moreover, boys are quite weak and they search for a strong partner. They want to be dominated, and the senshi are ready to do it. 
:* [[w:Naoko Takeuchi|Naoko Takeuchi]] [http://www.kicie.net/realm/naoko.htm &quot;An interview with Naoko Takeuchi&quot;], ''Kappa Magazine'', #51, September 1996.

* Business travellers visiting Japan are usually easily forgiven for whatever they do, including dressing down for Cool Biz. When in doubt, they can always say sumimasen (or 'excuse me') at the beginning of the meeting, should they find themselves underdressed for the occasion.
** [[w:Stanley Tan|Stanley Tan]], Director of Sales and Marketing at Tokyo’s Shangri-La Hotel, quoted on ''BBC Travel'', [http://www.bbc.com/travel/blog/20110720-dressing-down-in-tokyo &quot;Dressing Down In Tokyo&quot;], July 20, 2011.

* A year ago this time, the third quarter figure for 2012... we were talking about negative growth of more than 3%.
** [[w:Tomohiko Taniguchi|Tomohiko Taniguchi]], Japan's councillor of the cabinet secretariat, quoted on ''BBC News'', [http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-24936348 &quot;Japan's economic growth slows down&quot;], November 14, 2013.

* Japan has a lot of engineers who work at desks. When it comes to implementation, though, they lose confidence and haven't got the courage of their convictions when other people criticize them. Engineers like that can't build cars. Success in this industry demands engineers who have the courage and the decisiveness to implement ideas.
** [[Kiichiro Toyoda]] in the 1940s cited in: Satoshi Hino (2005). ''Inside the Mind of Toyota: Management Principles for Enduring Growth.'' p. 93

===V===
*[[China]] is building, inventing, struggling and marching forward, confidently, surrounded by friends, but independently. Japan is tied up and restrained. It cannot move. It doesn’t even know how to move, how to resist, anymore. And that is why Japan hates China!
**[[w:Andre Vltchek|Andre Vltchek]] in [https://www.globalresearch.ca/why-is-japan-so-bitter-about-the-unstoppable-rise-of-china/5665375 ''Why Is Japan so Bitter About The Unstoppable Rise of China?  Global Research,''] (13 January 2019)

*[[Homelessness|Homeless]] people are everywhere.... Entire rural [[Village|villages]] are being depopulated, in fact turning into [[w:Ghost town|ghost towns]]. There is rust, bad planning and an acute lack of anything public, all over the country... Japan is in decay. For many years, it was possible, with half-closed eyes, to ignore it, as the country was due to inertia hanging on to the top spot of the richest nations on [[Earth]]. But not anymore: the deterioration is now just too visible.  The decay is not as drastic as one can observe in some parts of [[France]], the [[United States]], or the [[United Kingdom|UK]]. But decay it is. The optimistic, heady days of nation-building are over. The Automobile industry and other corporations are literally cannibalizing the country, dictating its lifestyle. In smaller cities, motorists do not yield on pedestrian crossings anymore. [[Car|Cars]] are prioritized by urban planners, and some urban planners are paid, bribery by the car industry. Many areas can now only be reached by cars. There are hardly any public exercise machines, and almost no new parks. Japan, which prides itself on producing some of the most refined food, is now fully overwhelmed by several chains of convenience stores, which are full of unhealthy foodstuff.
**[[w:Andre Vltchek|Andre Vltchek]] in [https://www.globalresearch.ca/why-is-japan-so-bitter-about-the-unstoppable-rise-of-china/5665375 ''Why Is Japan so Bitter About The Unstoppable Rise of China?  Global Research,''] (13 January 2019)

===W===
*It seems that the ideology of [[w:Sacred king|sacred kingship]] was created, restored, and reinforced in Japan at the time of national crisis. The second half of the seventh century was exactly such a period. Japan faced a national crisis again in the second half of the nineteenth century when, according to its internal logic, the ideal of the ''[[w:Ritsuryō|ritsu-ryō]]'' state with its sacred kingship ideology woke up from its long sleep and was reestablished with some inevitable modifications. In this respect, I hold that the conceptions of state and kingship in ancient Japan have provided for Japanese society a structural continuity that has never been lost, though the society has undergone various historical changes and transformations from archaic times down to the present.
**[[w:Manabu Waida|Manabu Waida]], 'Sacred Kingship in Early Japan: A Historical Introduction', ''History of Religions'', Vol. 15, No. 4 (May, 1976), p. 342

==See also==
*[[Japan during World War II]]
**[[Atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki]]
*[[History of Japan–Korea relations]]

== External links ==
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      <text bytes="31104" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Satellite View of Japan 1999.jpg|thumb|Travelers visiting Japan are usually easily forgiven for whatever they do, including dressing down for Cool Biz. When in doubt, they can always say sumimasen. ~ [[w:Stanley Tan|Stanley Tan]]]]
[[File:Barack Obama &amp; Taro Aso in the Oval Office 2-24-09.JPG|thumb|Japan has been a great partner. ~ [[Barack Obama]]]]
[[File:Sri aurobindo.jpg|thumb|right|
The Japanese have a wonderful power of [[self-control]]. They don't lose their temper or quarrel with you, but if their honour is violated they may [[kill]] you. They can be bitter [[enemies]].... The Japanese also have a high sense of chivalry.... But these things perhaps belong to the past. It is a great pity that people who have carried such ideals into practice are losing them through contact with European civilization. ~ [[Sri Aurobindo]]]]
[[File:Merchant flag of Japan (1870).svg|thumb|Aspiring sincerely to an international peace based on justice and order, the Japanese people forever renounce war. ~ ''[[w:Article 9 of the Japanese Constitution|Article 9 of the Constitution of Japan]]'']]
[[File:A member of the Japanese Ground Self-Defense Force, foreground, rests during a patrolling exercise at Marine Corps Base Camp Pendleton, Calif., June 12, 2013, during exercise Dawn Blitz 2013 130612-M-JU912-072.jpg|thumb|The Japanese can only fulfill it by the sword. ~ [[w:Friedrich von Bernhardi|Friedrich von Bernhardi]]]]
[[File:Samurai.jpg|thumb|You see, it's been [[Germany|our]] misfortune to have the wrong religion. Why didn't [[Germany|we]] have the religion of the Japanese, who regard sacrifice for the Fatherland as the highest good? ~ [[Adolf Hitler]]]]
[[File:Atomic cloud over Hiroshima.jpg|thumb|The Japanese were ready to surrender, and it wasn't necessary to hit them with that awful thing. ~ [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]]]]
[[File:Major US military bases in Japan (zh).svg|thumb|Major U.S. military bases in Japan.]]

[[w:Japan|'''Japan''']], also known as '''Nippon''', is an island country in eastern [[Asia]]. It is located in the [[w:Pacific Ocean|Pacific Ocean]] and it lies to the east of the [[w:Sea of Japan|Sea of Japan]], [[China]], [[North Korea]], [[South Korea]] and [[Russia]], stretching from the [[w:Sea of Okhotsk|Sea of Okhotsk]] in the north to the [[w:East China Sea|East China Sea]] and [[Taiwan]] in the south.

Japan is a [[w:great power|great power]] and a member of numerous international organizations, including the [[United Nations]] (since 1956), the [[w:OECD|OECD]], and the [[w:Group of Seven|Group of Seven]]. Although it has [[w:Article 9 of the Japanese Constitution|renounced its right to declare war]], the country maintains [[w:Japan Self-Defense Forces|Self-Defense Forces]] that rank as one of the world's strongest militaries. After [[World War II]], Japan experienced record growth in [[w:Japanese economic miracle|an economic miracle]], becoming the [[w:List of countries by largest historical GDP|second-largest economy]] in the world by 1990. As of 2021, [[w:Economy of Japan|the country's economy]] is the [[w:List of countries by GDP (nominal)|third-largest by nominal GDP]] and the [[w:List of countries by GDP (PPP)|fourth-largest by PPP]]. A global leader in the [[w:Automotive industry in Japan|automotive]] and [[w:Electronics industry in Japan|electronics industries]], Japan has made significant contributions to [[w:Science and technology in Japan|science and technology]]. Ranked &quot;very high&quot; on the [[w:Human Development Index|Human Development Index]], Japan has the world's [[w:List of countries by life expectancy|highest life expectancy]], though it is experiencing [[w:Aging of Japan|a decline in population]]. The [[w:culture of Japan|culture of Japan]] is well known around the world, including its [[w:Japanese art|art]], [[w:Japanese cuisine|cuisine]], [[w:Music of Japan|music]], and [[w:Japanese popular culture|popular culture]], which encompasses prominent [[Manga|comic]], [[Anime|animation]] and [[w:Video games in Japan|video game]] industries.
__NOTOC__
{{TOCalpha}}

== Quotes ==
===A===
* I don’t see any [[adults]] here in Japan. The fact that you see salarymen reading [[manga]] and [[pornography]] on the [[Rail transport|trains]] and being unafraid, unashamed or anything, is something you wouldn’t have seen 30 years ago, with people who grew up under a different system of government. They would have been far too embarrassed to open a book of cartoons or dirty pictures on a train. But that’s what we have now in Japan. We are a country of children.
** [[w:Hideaki Anno|Hideaki Anno]]  [https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2007/05/let-s-die-together/305776/ &quot;Let's Die Together&quot;], ''Atlantic Magazine'', May 2007.

*One [[culture]], one [[civilization]], one [[language]], and one [[Ethnicity|ethnic group]].
**[[Tarō Asō]], as quoted in [http://news.newamericamedia.org/news/view_article.html?article_id=f6f50bd7a1687ece711a7ef721bb6fb8 &quot;Ghosts of Wartime Japan Haunt Koizumi's Cabinet&quot;] (3 November 2005), by Christopher Reed, ''New America Media''

*Luckily, we Japanese have yellow faces.
**[[Tarō Asō]], [http://www.theguardian.com/world/2007/mar/23/japan.usa speech] (2007)

*'''The Japanese have a wonderful power of [[self-control]].''' They don't lose their temper or quarrel with you, but if their honour is violated they may [[kill]] you. They can be bitter [[enemies]].... The Japanese also have a high sense of chivalry.... '''But these things perhaps belong to the past.''' It is a great pity that people who have carried such ideals into practice are losing them through contact with [[Europe|European]] civilization. That is a great harm that European vulgarizing has done to Japan. Now you find most people [[mercantile]] in their outlook and they will do anything for the sake of [[money]].....
**Sri Aurobindo, December 30, 1938, quoted from [[Sri Aurobindo]], ., Nahar, S., Aurobindo, ., &amp; Institut de recherches évolutives (Paris). ''India's rebirth: A selection from Sri Aurobindo's writing, talks and speeches.'' Paris: Institut de Recherches Evolutives. 3rd Edition (2000). [https://web.archive.org/web/20170826004028/http://bharatvani.org/books/ir/IR_frontpage.htm]

===B===
*Won't you stretch imagination for a moment and come with me. Let us hasten to a nation lying over the western sea. Hide behind the cherry blossoms; here's a sight that will please your eyes. There's a lady with a baby of Japan, singing lullabies. Hear her as she sighs.
** [[w:Nora Bayes|Nora Bayes]], [http://lyricsplayground.com/alpha/songs/t/thejapanesesandman.shtml &quot;The Japanese Sandman&quot;] (1920)

* The Japanese can only fulfill it by the sword.
** [[w:Friedrich von Bernhardi|Friedrich von Bernhardi]], ''Germany and the next War'' (1911), Chapter XIII

===C===
*[[w:Basil Hall Chamberlain|B.H. Chamberlain]], in his ''Things Japanese'' (London, 1898), says: &quot;All [[education]] was for centuries in [[Buddhism|Buddhist]] hands; Buddhism introduced [[art]], introduced [[medicine]], moulded the folklore of the country, created its dramatic [[poetry]], deeply influenced politics and every sphere of social and intellectual activity. In a word, Buddhism was the teacher under whose instruction the nation grew up.&quot; A.S. Geden, while quoting the above passage, further adds that &quot;In a larger sense of these terms, Japan owes more educationally to [[Buddhist]] influence and instruction than perhaps any other nation, with the possible exception of the Burmese&quot;. When Europe forced its way into Japan, it found that most Japanese, men as well as women, could read and write. They were educated by Buddhist monks in their &quot;temple-huts&quot;, known as tera-koya. Attendance at these schools was entirely voluntary. &quot;There were also schools open for girls, which were, it may be assumed, always under the direction of the nuns&quot;.
**[[w:Basil Hall Chamberlain|B.H. Chamberlain]], A.S. Geden. quoted in Ram Swarup (2000). On Hinduism: Reviews and reflections. Ch. 6.

*Japan has demonstrated the possible industrial dynamism of a highly deferential society, indeed a society which has only recently masked the values and practices of a [[w:Divine right of kings|divine-right]] monarchy.
**[[w:J. C. D. Clark|J. C. D. Clark]], ''English Society 1688–1832: Ideology, Social Structure and Political Practice During the Ancien Regime'' (1985), p. 73

* Aspiring sincerely to an international [[peace]] based on [[justice]] and [[order]], '''the Japanese people forever renounce war''' as a sovereign right of the nation and the threat or use of force as means of settling international disputes.
** ''[[w:Article 9 of the Japanese Constitution|Article 9 of the Constitution of Japan]]'' (3 May 1947)

===D===
*The right of locomotion; the right of migration; the right which belongs to no particular race, but belongs alike to all and to all alike. It is the right you assert by staying here, and your fathers asserted by coming here. It is this great right that I assert for the [[China|Chinese]] and the Japanese, and for all other varieties of men equally with yourselves, now and forever.
**[[Frederick Douglass]], [http://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/document/our-composite-nationality/ ''Our Composite Nationality''] (7 December 1869), [[Boston|Boston, Massachusetts]].

===E===
* '''I was against [[w:Atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki|it]] on two counts. First, the Japanese were ready to surrender, and it wasn't necessary to hit them with that awful thing. Second, I hated to see [[United States|our country]] be the first [[Atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki|to use such a weapon]].'''
** [[Dwight D. Eisenhower|Dwight David Eisenhower]], On his stated opposition to the use of the [[Nuclear weapons|atomic bomb]] against the Japanese at the end of [[World War II]], as quoted in Newsweek (11 November 1963)

===F===
*The Japanese spirit wavered from then on between the lure of the West and the need to preserve her territorial integrity. Slowly, inexorably, Western civilization covered up with its veneer this other civilization patiently built up in the course of centuries, long nurtured in suffering and in pride by generations of men and women. But this was only in semblance. '''The Japan of old still dwells deep in the soul of every inhabitant of her islands and manifests itself at every turn in some euphuistic subtlety or an exquisitely delicate courtesy.''' ... The spirit of Japan, conceived in the [[w:Nara period|Nara epoch]], carried in the womb of her islands throughout the [[w:Heian period|Heian period]], delivered in the anguish of the [[Middle Ages]], schooled by the rod of iron of the [[w:Tokugawa Shogunate|Tokugawas]], fully grown now, benefited from all her past experiences. '''She cannot forget them.'''
**[[Louis Frédéric|Frédéric, Louis]] (1984). Daily life in Japan at the time of the samurai, 1185-1603. Tokyo: Tuttle.

*So why is Japan different? Why do its top officials &amp;ndash; and this trend extends across senior government posts &amp;ndash; resign office, seemingly at the drop of a hat? The theories are endless, most of them relying on oft-repeated but simplistic [[Stereotype|stereotypes]] about the supposed centrality of [[honor]], saving face, and respect in [[w:Japanese culture|Japanese culture]]... Japan's problems are too vast, and its strengths too great, to be ruled by something as capricious and frivolous as the whims of the majority.
**[[Max Fisher]], [http://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2011/06/why-do-japanese-prime-ministers-keep-resigning/239850/ &quot;Why Do Japanese Prime Ministers Keep Resigning&quot;] (3 June 2011), ''[[w:The Atlantic|The Atlantic]]''.

*Those Oriental people work like dogs. They work their hearts out. They are workers non-stop. They sleep beside their machines. That's why they're successful in life. I went to [[Seoul]], [[South Korea]], I went to [[w:Taipei|Taipei]], [[Taiwan]]. I went to [[w:Tokyo|Tokyo, Japan]]. That's why these people are so hard workers. I'm telling you, the Oriental people, they're slowly taking over.
**[[Rob Ford]], [http://www.citynews.ca/2008/03/14/asian-protestors-stage-city-hall-sit-in-over-rob-fords-oriental-comments/ council meeting] (5 March 2008).

*Japan must import all of its major [[w:Minerals|minerals]], from [[oil]] to [[w:Aluminum|aluminum]]. Without those imports-particularly [[oil]]-Japan stops being an industrial power in a matter of months.
**[[George Friedman]], [https://www.amazon.com/Next-100-Years-Forecast-Century/dp/038551705X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1498628991&amp;sr=1-1 ''The Next 100 Years: A Forecast for the 21st Century''] (2009), p. 67, Doubleday

===H===
*In the U.S., if you are a singer, you're usually a singer for life. In Japan, you branch out... Japan needs more child care places that are government funded. Big companies need to have day care centers. I used to take my kids on location. Sometimes my boss held my baby while I worked.  
**[[w:Yū Hayami|Yū Hayami]], as quoted in [http://www.japantoday.com/category/arts-culture/view/here%E2%80%99s-looking-at-yu &quot;Here's looking at Yu&quot;] (28 November 2008), by Chris Betros, ''Japan Today''

*People all over the world refer to Japan as the Land of the Gods, and call us the descendants of the gods. Indeed, it is exactly as they say: our country, as a special mark of favour from the heavenly gods, was begotten by them, and there is thus so immense a difference between Japan and all the other countries as to defy comparison. Ours is a splendid and blessed country, the Land of the Gods beyond any doubt, and we, down to the most humble man and woman, are the descendants of the gods... Japanese differ completely from and are superior to the peoples of China, India, Russia, Holland, Siam, Cambodia, and all other countries of the world, and for us to have called our country the Land of the Gods was not mere vainglory. It was the gods who formed all the lands of the world at the Creation, and these gods were without exception born in Japan. Japan is thus the homeland of the gods, and that is why we call it the Land of the Gods.
**[[w:Hirata Atsutane|Hirata Atsutane]], ''Kodō Taii'' (''Summary of the Ancient Way'') (1811), quoted in Ryusaku Tsunoda, William Theodore de Bary and Donald Keene (eds.), ''Sources of Japanese Tradition'' (1958), p. 544

* You see, '''it's been [[Germany|our]] misfortune to have the wrong [[religion]]. Why didn't [[Germany|we]] have the [[w:Shintoism|religion of the Japanese]], who regard sacrifice for the Fatherland as the highest good?''' The [[Islam|Mohammedan religion]] too would have been more compatible to us than [[Christianity]]. Why did it have to be Christianity with its meekness and flabbiness?
** [[Adolf Hitler]], as quoted in ''Inside the Third Reich: Memoirs'', by [[Albert Speer]], p. 115

===I===
* [The Immigration Agency] considers filming while knowing that recording is prohibited inside the facilities to be an unforgivable act, no matter how much it is based on personal conviction.
** The Immigration Agency [https://www3.nhk.or.jp/nhkworld/en/news/backstories/1995/ Opening the 'Black Box' of Japan's immigration system] (16 hours ago)

===K===
*Great Japan is the divine land. The heavenly progenitor founded it, and the Sun Goddess bequeathed it to her descendants to rule eternally. Only in our country is this true; there are no similar examples in other countries. This is why our country is called the divine land.
**[[w:Kitabatake Chikafusa|Kitabatake Chikafusa]], ''[[w:Jinnō Shōtōki|Jinnō Shōtōki]]'' (''A Chronicle of the Direct Descent of Gods and Sovereigns'') (1339), ed. H. Paul Varley (1980), p. 49

*[[South Korea]] spends the equivalent of 1.7 percent of its GDP on caring for the old, just one step above the stingiest [[w:OECD|OECD]] member; [[Mexico]]. Neighboring Japan, on the other hand, is generous to its seniors, doling out an amount corresponding to 8.9 percent of its GDP on the archipelago’s vast grey-haired population.
**Se-woong Koo, [http://www.koreaexpose.com/voices/no-country-for-old-people/ &quot;No Country For Old People&quot;] (24 September 2014), ''Korea Exposé''.

===M===
*The Japanese people, since the war, have undergone the greatest reformation recorded in modern history. With a commendable will, eagerness to learn, and marked capacity to understand, they have, from the ashes left in war's wake, erected in Japan an edifice dedicated to the supremacy of individual liberty and personal dignity; and in the ensuing process there has been created a truly representative government committed to the advance of political morality, [[Free enterprise|freedom of economic enterprise]], and [[social justice]]. Politically, economically, and socially Japan is now abreast of many free nations of the earth and will not again fail the universal trust. That it may be counted upon to wield a profoundly beneficial influence over the course of events in Asia is attested by the magnificent manner in which the Japanese people have met the recent challenge of war, unrest, and confusion surrounding them from the outside and checked communism within their own frontiers without the slightest slackening in their forward progress. I sent all four of our occupation divisions to the [[Korean War|Korean battlefront]] without the slightest qualms as to the effect of the resulting power vacuum upon Japan. The results fully justified my faith. I know of no nation more serene, orderly, and industrious, nor in which higher hopes can be entertained for future constructive service in the advance of the human race.
**[[Douglas MacArthur]], [https://www.americanrhetoric.com/speeches/douglasmacarthurfarewelladdress.htm 1951 Farewell Speech to Congress], 
*A nation of [[Deity|deities]] with the [[w:Japanese Emperor|Emperor]] at its center.
**[[Yoshirō Mori]], as quoted in [http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/750180.stm &quot;Japanese PM sparks holy row&quot;] (16 May 2000), ''BBC News'', United Kingdom: British Broadcasting Corporation.

*Ensure Japan's security and defend the ''[[w:Kokutai|kokutai]]''.
**[[Yoshirō Mori]], as quoted in [http://articles.latimes.com/2000/jun/05/news/mn-37760 &quot;Mori's Remarks Again Draw Criticism&quot;] (5 June 2000), ''Associated Press''.

* The basic stupidity of modern Japan is that we’ve learned absolutely nothing from our contact with other [[Asia|Asian]] peoples.
**Haruki Murakami, ''A Wild Sheep Chase'

===O===
*Japan has been a great partner on issues.
**[[Barack Obama]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSq0q-RrMMQ meeting with Tarō Asō] (February 2009).

* Today is a chance for [[United States|Americans]], especially our young people, to say thank you for all the things we love from Japan. Like [[w:Karate|karate]] and [[w:Karaoke|karaoke]]. Manga and [[w:anime|anime]]. And, of course, [[w:Emoji|emojis]].
** [[Barack Obama]] [http://comicbook.com/2015/04/29/president-barack-obama-thanks-japan-for-anime-and-manga/ Comicbook.com] (2015/04/29)

* In [[Asia]], the memories of Imperial Japan are still fresh.
** [[w:Morris O'Dell|Morris O'Dell]], as quoted in ''[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELjr799XoME&amp;feature=youtu.be&amp;list=PLpMZ4IkRJgZXahriTIE8ILuSujGVAeQZ-&amp;t=174 Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell: Chaos Theory]'' (2005).

:'''Hana-ogi''': It is very difficult for Japanese women to speak in public. I have never done so, but, perhaps, now it is the time.
:*''[[Sayonara]]'' (1952). written by Paul Osborn. As well as Japanese animation, [[technology]] has a huge influence on Japanese society, and also Japanese novels. I think it's because before, people tended to think that [[ideology]] or religion were the things that actually changed people, but it's been proven that that's not the case. I think nowadays, technology has been proven to be the thing that's actually changing people. So in that sense, it's become a theme in Japanese culture. 
:*[[w:Mamoru Oshii|Mamoru Oshii]], [http://www.avclub.com/article/mamoru-oshii-13890 &quot;Mamoru Oshii&quot;], Tasha Robinson, ''A.V. Club'', Sep 15, 2004.

=== R ===
* '''Yesterday, December 7, 1941—a date which will live in infamy—the [[United States|United States of America]] was suddenly and deliberately [[Attack on Pearl Harbor|attacked]] by naval and air forces of the Empire of Japan.''' The United States was at peace with that Nation and, at the solicitation of Japan, was still in conversation with its Government and its Emperor looking toward the maintenance of peace in the Pacific. Indeed, one hour after Japanese air squadrons had commenced bombing in the American Island of [[w:Oahu|Oahu]], the Japanese Ambassador to the United States and his colleague delivered to our [[Cordell Hull|Secretary of State]] a formal reply to a recent American message. And while this reply stated that it seemed useless to continue the existing diplomatic negotiations, it contained no threat or hint of war or of armed attack.
**[[Franklin D. Roosevelt]], [https://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/documents/address-congress-requesting-declaration-war-with-japan Address to Congress Requesting a Declaration of War with Japan], (8 September 1941) 
*It will be recorded that the distance of [[Hawaii]] from Japan makes it obvious that the attack was deliberately planned many days or even weeks ago. During the intervening time the Japanese Government has deliberately sought to deceive the United States by false statements and expressions of hope for continued peace. The attack yesterday on the Hawaiian Islands has caused severe damage to [[United States Armed Forces|American naval and military forces]]. I regret to tell you that very many American lives have been lost. In addition American ships have been reported torpedoed on the high seas between [[San Francisco]] and [[w:Honolulu|Honolulu]]. Yesterday the Japanese Government also launched an attack against [[w:British Malaya|Malaya]]. Last night Japanese forces attacked [[Hong Kong]]. Last night Japanese forces attacked [[w:Guam|Guam]]. Last night Japanese forces attacked the [[Philippines|Philippine Islands]]. Last night the Japanese attacked [[w:Wake Island|Wake Island]]. And this morning the Japanese attacked [[w:Midway Island|Midway Island]]. Japan has, therefore, undertaken a surprise offensive extending throughout the Pacific area. The facts of yesterday and today speak for themselves. The people of the United States have already formed their opinions and well understand the implications to the very life and safety of our Nation.
**[[Franklin D. Roosevelt]], [https://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/documents/address-congress-requesting-declaration-war-with-japan Address to Congress Requesting a Declaration of War with Japan], (8 September 1941) 
*Japan's scheme of conquest goes back half a century. It was not merely a policy of seeking living room: it was a plan which included the subjugation of all the peoples in the Far East and in the islands of the Pacific, and the domination of that ocean by Japanese military and naval control of the western coasts of [[North America|North]], [[w:Central America|Central]], and [[w:South America|South America]]. The development of this ambitious conspiracy was marked by the [[w:First Sino-Japanese War|war against China]] in 1894; the subsequent [[Korea under Japanese rule|occupation of Korea]]; the [[w:Russo-Japanese War|war against Russia]] in 1904; the illegal fortification of the [[w:South Seas Mandate|mandated Pacific islands]] following 1920; the [[w:Mukden incident|seizure of Manchuria]] in 1931; and the [[w:Second Sino-Japanese War|invasion of China]] in 1937. 
** [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]], 1942 State of the Union Address

===S===
*Mister! Can you tell me where my love has gone? He's a Japanese boy!
**[[w:Aneka|Mary Sandeman]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DIcc0wHimtw &quot;Japanese Boy&quot;]

* The government is putting as much money into the [[w:Economy of Japan|economy]] through this package, and through additional spending, as the increased [[w:Sales tax|sales tax]] will put out.&lt;!--Martin Schulz of Fujitsu Research Institute in Tokyo told the BBC. That means growth in the coming quarters will be stable and the hike will have no lasting impact on growth in 2014.--&gt;
** [[w:Martin Schulz|Martin Schulz]], of Fujitsu Research Institute in Tokyo, quoted on ''BBC News'', [http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-25295708 &quot;Japan's economic growth revised down&quot;], December 8, 2013.

* This has happened before and in some cases the islands disappeared. If it becomes a full-fledged island, we would be happy to have more territory.
** [[w:Yoshihide Suga|Yoshihide Suga]], Japan's chief government spokesman, quoted on ''[[Fox News]]'', [http://www.foxnews.com/science/2013/12/19/new-images-japans-bouncing-baby-island-niijima/ &quot;New island off Japan keeps growing and growing&quot;] (19 December 2013).

*It is a common concern of the international community that China tries to change the situation and increase tensions in the [[South China Sea]] by carrying out extensive and rapid land reclamation, building its base in the region and utilizing it for military purposes. We have deep concerns over such actions and want to re-emphasize that Japan cannot accept (them)
**[[w:Yoshihide Suga|Yoshihide Suga]] said at a press conference, Japan's chief government spokesman on China deploying missiles in an island in the South China Sea, quoted on ''Edition.CNN'' (February 18, 2016), [http://edition.cnn.com/2016/02/16/asia/china-missiles-south-china-sea/index.html &quot;China said to deploy missiles on South China Sea island&quot;]

===T===
* In Japan, strong girls are very popular. The tradition of my country has in the Tarazuka, the Japanese theater in which only women take part, the maximum level of feminine emancipation. These actress cover all roles of the plays, even the male ones. I was inspired by them to create Haruka. It wasn't easy to make children understand how there could be true love between two women. Haruka is a tomboy, she talks and dresses like a boy, and therefore it's natural she falls in love with Michiru. 
* The [[w:List of Sailor Moon characters|senshi]] are very sexy, and boys like it. In Japan, moreover, boys are quite weak and they search for a strong partner. They want to be dominated, and the senshi are ready to do it. 
:* [[w:Naoko Takeuchi|Naoko Takeuchi]] [http://www.kicie.net/realm/naoko.htm &quot;An interview with Naoko Takeuchi&quot;], ''Kappa Magazine'', #51, September 1996.

* Business travellers visiting Japan are usually easily forgiven for whatever they do, including dressing down for Cool Biz. When in doubt, they can always say sumimasen (or 'excuse me') at the beginning of the meeting, should they find themselves underdressed for the occasion.
** [[w:Stanley Tan|Stanley Tan]], Director of Sales and Marketing at Tokyo’s Shangri-La Hotel, quoted on ''BBC Travel'', [http://www.bbc.com/travel/blog/20110720-dressing-down-in-tokyo &quot;Dressing Down In Tokyo&quot;], July 20, 2011.

* A year ago this time, the third quarter figure for 2012... we were talking about negative growth of more than 3%.
** [[w:Tomohiko Taniguchi|Tomohiko Taniguchi]], Japan's councillor of the cabinet secretariat, quoted on ''BBC News'', [http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-24936348 &quot;Japan's economic growth slows down&quot;], November 14, 2013.

* Japan has a lot of engineers who work at desks. When it comes to implementation, though, they lose confidence and haven't got the courage of their convictions when other people criticize them. Engineers like that can't build cars. Success in this industry demands engineers who have the courage and the decisiveness to implement ideas.
** [[Kiichiro Toyoda]] in the 1940s cited in: Satoshi Hino (2005). ''Inside the Mind of Toyota: Management Principles for Enduring Growth.'' p. 93

===V===
*[[China]] is building, inventing, struggling and marching forward, confidently, surrounded by friends, but independently. Japan is tied up and restrained. It cannot move. It doesn’t even know how to move, how to resist, anymore. And that is why Japan hates China!
**[[w:Andre Vltchek|Andre Vltchek]] in [https://www.globalresearch.ca/why-is-japan-so-bitter-about-the-unstoppable-rise-of-china/5665375 ''Why Is Japan so Bitter About The Unstoppable Rise of China?  Global Research,''] (13 January 2019)

*[[Homelessness|Homeless]] people are everywhere.... Entire rural [[Village|villages]] are being depopulated, in fact turning into [[w:Ghost town|ghost towns]]. There is rust, bad planning and an acute lack of anything public, all over the country... Japan is in decay. For many years, it was possible, with half-closed eyes, to ignore it, as the country was due to inertia hanging on to the top spot of the richest nations on [[Earth]]. But not anymore: the deterioration is now just too visible.  The decay is not as drastic as one can observe in some parts of [[France]], the [[United States]], or the [[United Kingdom|UK]]. But decay it is. The optimistic, heady days of nation-building are over. The Automobile industry and other corporations are literally cannibalizing the country, dictating its lifestyle. In smaller cities, motorists do not yield on pedestrian crossings anymore. [[Car|Cars]] are prioritized by urban planners, and some urban planners are paid, bribery by the car industry. Many areas can now only be reached by cars. There are hardly any public exercise machines, and almost no new parks. Japan, which prides itself on producing some of the most refined food, is now fully overwhelmed by several chains of convenience stores, which are full of unhealthy foodstuff.
**[[w:Andre Vltchek|Andre Vltchek]] in [https://www.globalresearch.ca/why-is-japan-so-bitter-about-the-unstoppable-rise-of-china/5665375 ''Why Is Japan so Bitter About The Unstoppable Rise of China?  Global Research,''] (13 January 2019)

===W===
*It seems that the ideology of [[w:Sacred king|sacred kingship]] was created, restored, and reinforced in Japan at the time of national crisis. The second half of the seventh century was exactly such a period. Japan faced a national crisis again in the second half of the nineteenth century when, according to its internal logic, the ideal of the ''[[w:Ritsuryō|ritsu-ryō]]'' state with its sacred kingship ideology woke up from its long sleep and was reestablished with some inevitable modifications. In this respect, I hold that the conceptions of state and kingship in ancient Japan have provided for Japanese society a structural continuity that has never been lost, though the society has undergone various historical changes and transformations from archaic times down to the present.
**[[w:Manabu Waida|Manabu Waida]], 'Sacred Kingship in Early Japan: A Historical Introduction', ''History of Religions'', Vol. 15, No. 4 (May, 1976), p. 342

==See also==
*[[Japan during World War II]]
**[[Atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki]]
*[[History of Japan–Korea relations]]

== External links ==
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*{{Wiktionary-inline|Japan}}
*{{wikisource-inline|Category:Japan}}

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      <comment>Reverted edit by [[User:2.51.65.112|2.51.65.112]] ([[User talk:2.51.65.112|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/2.51.65.112|contributions]]) to last version by 2604:3D08:6286:7500:D8A4:32A3:B5C6:879D</comment>
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      <text bytes="55294" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Flag_of_Virginia.svg|thumb|All men are by nature equally free and independent and have certain inherent rights... they cannot, by any compact, deprive or divest their posterity; namely, the enjoyment of life and liberty, with the means of acquiring and possessing property, and pursuing and obtaining happiness and safety. ~ [[w:Virginia Declaration of Rights|''Virginia Declaration of Rights'']]]]
The '''[[w:Virginia|Commonwealth of Virginia]]''', also known as '''Virginia''', '''V-A''', or simply '''the Commonwealth''', is a [[w:U.S. state|U.S. state]] located in the [[w:South Atlantic States|South Atlantic region]] of the contiguous [[United States|United States of America]]. Virginia is nicknamed the &quot;Old Dominion&quot; due to its status as a former dominion of [[w:Kingdom of Great Britain|Great Britain]] and &quot;Mother of Presidents&quot; due to [[w:List of Presidents of the United States by home state#Places of birth|many U.S. presidents]] having been born there.
&lt;center&gt;'''''Sic semper tyrannis'' (thus always to tyrants)'''&amp;nbsp; &lt;small&gt;([[#Motto|motto]])&lt;/small&gt;&lt;/center&gt;
__NOTOC__
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== Quotes ==
[[File:Seal of Virginia.svg|thumb|Virginia is for lovers. ~ [[w:David N. Martin|David Martin]]]]
[[File:Douthat Lake Douthat State Park Virginia USA.jpg|thumb|Douthat Lake at Douthat State Park, Millboro, VA]]
[[File:Bear Creek Lake (9669510311).jpg|thumb|Bear Creek Lake at Bear Creek Lake State Park, Cumberland, VA]]
[[File:BC FR 001croppd (16822686946).jpg|thumb|Road in Bear Creek Lake State Park, Cumberland, VA]]
[[File:A Day By the Lake (31878341400).jpg|thumb|[[w:Douthat State Park|Douthat State Park]] was the first Virginia state park my family ever visited... We remember thinking that Virginians were very hospitable; we imagined it was the world-famous southern hospitality at work. It wasn't exactly what we had encountered growing up in northeast Ohio, where the pace of life seemed much faster and people were less considerate. ~ P.M. Elton]]
[[File:POBeaverLakeObservationDeck (15653088505).jpg|thumb|Virginia puts on her prettiest colors to greet the seasons. In the fall, the colors of the leaves are lemon yellow, pumpkin gold, watermelon red, rusty oak, vermillion maple, burnt orange, and dusty green, and no two trees are the same. ~ Earl Hamner, Jr.]]
[[File:St Christopher&amp;#039;s School Richmond VA.JPG|thumb|Chamberlayne Hall at St. Christopher's School in Richmond, VA]]
[[File:The Governor&amp;#039;s Palace -- Williamsburg (VA) September 2012.jpg|thumb|On the whole, I find nothing anywhere else... which Virginia need envy. ~ [[Thomas Jefferson]]]]
[[File:Venable Hall HSC.JPG|thumb|Venable Hall at Hampden-Sydney College in Hampden-Sydney, VA]]
[[File:Langley High School.jpg|thumb|The distinctions between Virginians, Pennsylvanians, New Yorkers and New Englanders are no more. I am not a Virginian, but an American. ~ [[Patrick Henry]]]]
[[File:Cabin road (6105921979).jpg|thumb|Cabin road in First Landing State Park, Virginia Beach, VA]]
[[File:Rotunda-dusk.jpg|thumb|The Rotunda at the University of Virginia, Charlottesville, VA]]
[[File:The Official State Visit of France (27831282458).jpg|thumb|Virginia was the first state which instructed her delegates to declare the colonies independent. She braved all dangers. From Quebec to Boston, and from Boston to Savannah, Virginia shed the blood of her sons. No imputation then can be cast upon her in this matter. ~ [[James Monroe]]]]
[[File:ArlingtonCemetery.jpg|thumb|We must remember the Commonwealth's past mistakes in order to prevent them from recurring. ~ [[w:Mark Warner|Mark Warner]]]]
[[File:Jepson School of Leadership Studies.jpg|thumb|Jepson Hall at the University of Richmond, Richmond, VA]]
[[File:Monticello_2010-10-29.jpg|thumb|Modern Virginians departed from the teachings of the [[w:Founding Fathers of the United States|Fathers]]. ~ [[John S. Mosby|John Mosby]]]]
[[File:The_Pentagon_US_Department_of_Defense_building.jpg|thumb|The true purpose of all government is to promote the welfare and provide for the protection and security of the governed, and when any form or organization of government proves inadequate for, or subversive of this purpose, it is the right, it is the duty of the latter to alter or abolish it. The Bill of Rights of Virginia, framed in 1776, reaffirmed in 1860, and again in 1851, expressly reserves this right to the majority of her people, and the existing constitution does not confer upon the General Assembly the power to call a Convention to alter its provisions, or to change the relations of the Commonwealth, without the previously expressed consent of such majority. ~ [https://web.archive.org/web/20030314033146/http://www.wvculture.org/history/statehood/declaration.html ''Declaration of the People of Virginia Represented in Convention at Wheeling'']]]
[[File:Virginia secession vote.jpg|thumb|The Convention thus called has not only abused the powers nominally entrusted to it, but, with the connivance and active aid of the executive, has usurped and exercised other powers, to the manifest injury of the people, which, if permitted, will inevitably subject them to a military despotism. ~ [https://web.archive.org/web/20030314033146/http://www.wvculture.org/history/statehood/declaration.html ''Declaration of the People of Virginia Represented in Convention at Wheeling'']]]
[[File:Rose-Hill-view-va.jpg|thumb|Mountains near Rose Hill in Lee County]]
[[File:Flag of Virginia (1861).svg|thumb|Christian quotes what the old Virginians said against slavery. True, but why didn't he quote what the modern Virginians said in favor of it? Mason, Hunter, Wise, etc. Why didn't he state that a Virginia senator, Mason, was the author of the Fugitive Slave Law, and why didn't he quote ''The Virginia Code'' that made it a crime to speak against slavery? ~ [[John S. Mosby]]]]

===A===
&lt;!--*Of course, there were many reasons that white classification in 20th century Virginia was extremely beneficial. It meant access to better schools, homes. It meant, essentially, freedom.
**Mikaela Adams, as quoted in [https://www.washingtonpost.com/local/how-a-long-dead-white-supremacist-still-threatens-the-future-of-virginias-indian-tribes/2015/06/30/81be95f8-0fa4-11e5-adec-e82f8395c032_story.html ''The Washington Post''] (30 June 2015)--&gt;
*The decision came from what seemed to many white Virginians the unavoidable logic of the situation. Virginia was a slave state; [[Republican Party (United States)|the Republicans]] had announced their intention of limiting [[slavery]]. [[Slavery]] was protected by the sovereignty of the state.
**[[w:Edward L. Ayers|Edward Ayers]], [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:BookSources/0393326012 ''In the Presence of Mine Enemies: The Civil War in the Heart of America 1859-1863''] (2003), p. 141

===B===
* They could be thinking: 'This is perhaps the second time in a month that people associated with the Tea Party have really hurt us and we need to rethink things'. At some point, the national Republican party needs to decide: 'Are we going to be a majority party or go to the right, stake out that ground and maybe never hold national office again.
** Craig Brians, as quoted in ''BBC News'', [http://wwwnews.live.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-24751202 &quot;Five reasons why the Virginia governor's race matters&quot;] (4 November 2013), ''BBC''

* ''“Virginia?”'' he said, as if I had asked him if there was anywhere local we could get a dose of syphilis.
** [[Bill Bryson]], ''[[w:A Walk in the Woods (book)|A Walk in the Woods]]'' (1997), Chapter 8

* &lt;p&gt;Our nation is shocked and saddened by the news of the shootings at Virginia Tech today...&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Schools should be places of safety, and sanctuary, and learning. When that sanctuary is violated, the impact is felt in every American classroom and every American community. Today our nation grieves with those who have lost loved ones at Virginia Tech. We hold the victims in our hearts; we lift them up in our prayers; and we ask a loving God to comfort those who are suffering today...&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Laura and I have come to Blacksburg today with hearts full of sorrow. This is a day of mourning for the Virginia Tech community -- and it is a day of sadness for our entire nation. We've come to express our sympathy. In this time of anguish, I hope you know that people all over this country are thinking about you, and asking God to provide comfort for all who have been affected.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Yesterday began like any other day. Students woke up, and they grabbed their backpacks and they headed for class. And soon the day took a dark turn, with students and faculty barricading themselves in classrooms and dormitories -- confused, terrified, and deeply worried. By the end of the morning, it was the worst day of violence on a college campus in American history -- and for many of you here today, it was the worst day of your lives.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;It's impossible to make sense of such violence and suffering. Those whose lives were taken did nothing to deserve their fate. They were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. Now they're gone -- and they leave behind grieving families, and grieving classmates, and a grieving nation.&lt;/p&gt;
** [[George W. Bush]], [http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=9603915 statement on the massacre at Virginia Tech University from the Diplomatic Room of the White House] (17 April 2007)

===C===
* Carry me back to old Virginia; there let me live 'till I wither and decay.
** [https://cwcrossroads.wordpress.com/2015/07/28/dont-sing-along-with-susan-hathaway/#comment-48444 &quot;Carry Me Back to Old Virginny&quot;], former state song of Virginia

* The prevailing Notion now is to Continue the most abject State of Slavery in this Common-Wealth...
** [[w:Robert Carter III|Robert Carter]], [http://www.brown.edu/Administration/News_Bureau/Databases/Encyclopedia/search.php?serial=M0100 letter to James Manning] (1786)

* H to the izz-o, v to the izz-a. For shizzle my nizzle, used to dribble down in VA.
** [[w:Jay-Z|Shawn Carter]], &quot;[[w:Izzo (H.O.V.A.)|Izzo]]&quot; (2001), ''The Blueprint''

* That all men are by nature equally free and independent and have certain inherent rights, of which, when they enter into a state of society, they cannot, by any compact, deprive or divest their posterity; namely, the enjoyment of life and liberty, with the means of acquiring and possessing property, and pursuing and obtaining happiness and safety.
** [http://constitution.legis.virginia.gov/ Constitution of the Commonwealth of Virginia] (1971)

* In 1640, the very first gun control law ever enacted on these shores was passed in Virginia. It provided that blacks, even freemen, could not own guns.
** [[w:Ann Coulter|Ann Coulter]], [https://web.archive.org/web/20120503013852/http://www.anncoulter.com/columns/2012-04-18.html &quot;Negroes With Guns&quot;] (18 April 2012), ''Ann Coulter''

* I am no more a child, but a man; no longer a confederacy, but a nation. I am no more Virginia, New York, Carolina, or Massachusetts, but the United States of America.
** [[George William Curtis]], [https://archive.org/details/orationsandaddr03curtgoog &quot;The Good Fight&quot;] (1865)

===D===
* The true purpose of all government is to promote the welfare and provide for the protection and security of the governed, and when any form or organization of government proves inadequate for, or subversive of this purpose, it is the right, it is the duty of the latter to alter or abolish it. The [[w:Virginia Declaration of Rights|Bill of Rights of Virginia]], framed in 1776, reaffirmed in 1860, and again in 1851, expressly reserves this right to the majority of her people, and the existing constitution does not confer upon the [[w:Virginia General Assembly|General Assembly]] the power to call a Convention to alter its provisions, or to change the relations of the Commonwealth, without the previously expressed consent of such majority. The act of the General Assembly, calling the Convention which assembled at Richmond in February last, was therefore a usurpation; and the Convention thus called has not only abused the powers nominally entrusted to it, but, with the connivance and active aid of the executive, has usurped and exercised other powers, to the manifest injury of the people, which, if permitted, will inevitably subject them to a military despotism.
** [https://web.archive.org/web/20030314033146/http://www.wvculture.org/history/statehood/declaration.html ''Declaration of the People of Virginia Represented in Convention at Wheeling''] (13 June 1861)

* We, therefore the delegates here assembled in Convention to devise such measures and take such action as the safety and welfare of the loyal citizens of Virginia may demand, having mutually considered the premises, and viewing with great concern, the deplorable condition to which this once happy Commonwealth must be reduced, unless some regular adequate remedy is speedily adopted, and appealing to the Supreme Ruler of the Universe for the rectitude of our intentions, do hereby, in the name and on the behalf of the good people of Virginia, solemnly declare, that the preservation of their dearest rights and liberties and their security in person and property, imperatively demand the reorganization of the government of the Commonwealth, and that all acts of said Convention and Executive, tending to separate this Commonwealth from the United States, or to levy and carry on war against them, are without authority and void; and the offices of all who adhere to the said Convention and Executive, whether legislative, executive or judicial, are vacated.
** [https://web.archive.org/web/20030314033146/http://www.wvculture.org/history/statehood/declaration.html ''Declaration of the People of Virginia Represented in Convention at Wheeling''] (13 June 1861)

===E===

* [[w:Douthat State Park|Douthat State Park]] was the first Virginia state park my family ever visited. The year was 1986 and our boys were two and five years old. We camped in a small tent in a beautiful lakeside site with a panoramic view of Douthat Lake. That first visit was a fun and inspiration one and we were camped next to an older couple from [[w:Christiansburg, Virginia|Christiansburg]]. They took an interest in our boys and shared with us homemade jam and local honey. We remember thinking that Virginians were very hospitable; we imagined it was the world-famous southern hospitality at work. It wasn't exactly what we had encountered growing up in northeast Ohio, where the pace of life seemed much faster and people were less considerate.
** P.M. Elton, ''Ghostly Tales of Virginia State Parks'' (2015), p. 40

* Douthat was also one of the first parks to offer electricity to its customers. The first cabins had a coin-activated system: put in a dime, turn the knob and the power was on, and the lights showcased the beautiful timber-and-stone craftsmanship. This would have been a pretty amazing experience for many people in the 1930s. Some areas of the Commonwealth didn't get electric power until after [[World War II]]. Originally the power came from a local hydroelectric project, one of the first in the region.
** P.M. Elton, ''Ghostly Tales of Virginia State Parks'' (2015), p. 42

* [[w:Hungry Mother State Park|Hungry Mother State Park]] was officially announced as Southwest Virginia State Park, but somehow the original name stuck, despite the protests of the local citizenry. Author Mack H. Sturgill has painstakingly detailed the history and development of Hungry Mother State Park. After considerable research, Mr. Sturgill is of the belief that the park name was a publicity stunt created by slightly inebriated men who devised a public relations campaign to enhance the local economy. In Sturgill's words, &quot;The naming of the park and the accompanying legend seems to be a case of putting an old tale in a new bottle with a provocative label.&quot; Marketing ploy or not, the famed name (and its corresponding legend) lives on today.
** P.M. Elton, ''Ghostly Tales of Virginia State Parks'' (2015), p. 55

===G===
*The spirit of liberty that had been so invigorated by the events of the 1770s did manifest itself in a number of important measures affecting the status of America's slaves. In 1777 the constitution for the new state of Vermont completely abolished slavery, and Massachusetts soon followed suit. Many other Northern states, such as Pennsylvania in 1780, adopted legislation aimed at gradual emancipation during this period, although it was not until 1804 that New Jersey finally enacted a similar law. Not surprisingly, in the South anti-slavery gains were much more modest. But three Southern states, including Virginia in 1782, passed laws that made it possible for owners to manumit their slaves. It was the provisions of this law that Washington had to respect in formulating the manumission plan outlined in his will.
**[https://web.archive.org/web/20080401121447/http://www.historynet.com/george-washington-his-troubles-with-slavery.htm &quot;George Washington: His Troubles With Slavery&quot;] (12 June 2006), ''HistoryNet''.

*Sir, the great question which is now uprooting this Government to its foundation, the great question which underlies all our deliberations here, is the question of African slavery.
**[[w:Thomas F. Goode|Thomas Goode]], speech to the Virginia Secession Convention (28 March 1861), volume II, p. 518.

*April 7, 1865. General [[Robert E. Lee|R. E. Lee]], the result of the last week must convince you of the hopelessness of further resistance on the part of the Army of Northern Virginia in this struggle. I feel that it is so, and regard it as my duty to shift from myself the responsibility of any further effusion of blood, by asking of you the surrender of that portion of the C.S. Army known as the Army of Northern Virginia. U.S. Grant, Lieutenant-General.
**[[Ulysses S. Grant]], [https://www.facebook.com/SUVCW/posts/783255298389995 letter to Robert E. Lee] (7 April 1865).&lt;!--http://news.investors.com/management-leaders-and-success/040815-746932-ulysses-grant-won-war-and-peace.htm?ven=rss&amp;p=2--&gt;

* Incontestably what runs Virginia is the Byrd machine, the most urbane and genteel dictatorship in America. A real machine it is, though Senator [[w:Harry Flood Byrd|Harry Flood Byrd]] himself faced more opposition in 1946 than at any time in his long, suave, and distinguished public career. Virginia is, of course, &quot;the mother of states&quot;; it is one of four in the union to call itself a commonwealth, and it has produced eight presidents, more than any other state. Its history goes back to Jamestown, the first Anglo-Saxon settlement in America, in 1607; the colony was named for Elizabeth, the virgin queen, and its citizens established an effective representative government several years before the [[w:Puritans|Puritans]] in New England. Ever since it has prided itself on aristocratic tradition, a seasoned attitude toward public life, administrative decency, and firm attachment to the regime of law. Virginia breeds no [[Huey Long]]s or [[w:Herman Talmadge|Talmadges]]; its respect for the forms of order is deeply engrained. One subsidiary point is that Virginians, it seems, were not so philoprogenitive as their New England counterparts. Boston, as we know, choked with [[w:Cabot family|Cabots]], [[w:Adams political family|Adamses]], and [[w:Lowell family|Lowells]]. But there are no Washingtons in Richmond; [[George Washington]], as a matter of fact, left no children. [[Thomas Jefferson|Jefferson]] had direct descendants, but none with the name Jefferson play any consequential role in Virginia life today. There are no [[James Madison|Madisons]], [[James Monroe|Monroes]], descendants of [[John Marshall]] or [[Patrick Henry]], or even Lees, in the contemporary political arena.
** [[John Gunther]], ''Inside U.S.A.'' (1947), p. 705

===H===

* Virginia puts on her prettiest colors to greet the seasons. In the fall, the colors of the leaves are lemon yellow, pumpkin gold, watermelon red, rusty oak, vermillion maple, burnt orange, and dusty green, and no two trees are the same.
** Earl Hamner, Jr., as quoted by Lynn Seldon in ''52 Virginia Weekends: Great Getaways and Adventures for Every Season'' (2000), 2nd edition, p. 113

* Started in Atlanta, then I spread out with it. South Carolina, Alabama, Mississippi. On to North Carolina, Philadelphia, and Virginia. From down in Miami where it's warm in the winter. On up to Minnesota where it storms in the winter.
** [[w:T.I.|Clifford Harris]], [http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/djkhaled/wetakinover.html &quot;We Takin' Over&quot;]

* Red-Cloud Owen grew up in New York, but he spent his summers in Virginia with his cousins and other members of the tribe. At 15, he moved to Virginia so that he could attend an all-Indian school. He decided to stay for good, but his mother would never return to live in Virginia again. She died in 1974. Before she died, however, she made a request, Red-Cloud Owen says. She wanted to be buried in the [[w:Chickahominy people|Chickahominy]] tribal cemetery, next to the tribal center and near the small town where she grew up and knew the name of everyone and every tree. Buried in Virginia. Buried as an Indian.
** Joe Heim, [https://www.washingtonpost.com/local/how-a-long-dead-white-supremacist-still-threatens-the-future-of-virginias-indian-tribes/2015/06/30/81be95f8-0fa4-11e5-adec-e82f8395c032_story.html ''The Washington Post''] (30 June 2015)

* The distinctions between Virginians, Pennsylvanians, New Yorkers and New Englanders are no more. I am not a Virginian, but an American.
** [[Patrick Henry]], speech in the First Continental Congress, Philadelphia (14 October 1774). Compare: &quot;I was born an American; I will live an American; I shall die an American!&quot;, [[Daniel Webster]], Speech, July 17, 1850

* Virginia is a beautiful state, with almost one-third of its area protected in state or national forests or parks. Virginia has barrier islands, seacost, coastal plains, piedmont, mountains, and valleys. Throughout the state are historic buildings and battlefields. The first settlers encountered [[w:Powhatan|Powhatan]] Indians, members of the [[w:Algonquin peoples|Algonquin Nation]]. As settlers moved westward and northward, they met other tribes as well. Some of the most beautiful place-names in Virginia, such as Shenandoah and Chesapeake, come from Native American words. Today, two tribes still own reservations in King William County, the [[w:Mattaponi|Mattaponi]] and the [[w:Pamunkey|Pamunkey]]. In [[James I of England|King James I]]'s original land grant to the London Company in 1609, the territory of Virginia stretched north and south of Point Comfort on the Atlantic Ocean for 200 miles, then west and northwest to the Pacific Ocean, encompassing three-quarters of the present United States and much of what is now Canada. After England relinquished the area west of the Mississippi in 1763, Virginia still included territory northwest to the Great Lakes. Virginia gave up claims to this vast Northwest Territory when it joined the other former colonies to establish the United States of America.
** Emilee Hines, ''It Happened In Virginia'' (2010), second edition, p. vii

* Geologically, Virginia has some unusual formations- the Natural Bridge, Natural Tunnel, and Natural Chimneys- where ancient seas once washed and shaped the limestone. In [[w:Fairy Stone State Park|Fairystone State Park]] in Henry County, crystals in petrified wood have produced small crosses that are used as jewelry. Virginia has iron ore at Ferrum, bauxite at various locations, and huge deposits of coal in its western mountains. Until the California gold strike in 1849, Virginia's Goochland and Buckingham Counties were America's leading producers of gold. Both the [[American Revolution|Revolutionary War]] and the [[American Civil War|Civil War]] were fought extensively in Virginia, and the surrenders that ended both these wars took place here. Although Virginia is considered a conservative state and was the capital of the Confederacy, Virginia voters in 1989 elected the first African-American governor, [[w:Douglas Wilder|L. Douglas Wilder]]. The history of Old Dominion is colorful and dramatic.
** Emilee Hines, ''It Happened In Virginia'' (2010), second edition, p. vii-viii

* [[w:Yorktown, Virginia|Yorktown, Virginia]] is a small, quiet town today. The only indications of its past importance are the Victory Monument, the visitors' center, and the cannons by the river pointing at the earthworks where an empire was lost and won.
** Emilee Hines, ''It Happened In Virginia'' (2010), second edition, p. 43

===J===
* VA? Now, that sounds great.
** [[50 Cent|Curtis Jackson]], &quot;Ski Mask Way&quot; (2005), ''The Massacre''

* On the whole, I find nothing anywhere else... which Virginia need envy.
** Thomas Jefferson, as quoted by Lynn Seldon in ''Country Roads of Virginia: Drives, Day Trips, and Weekend Excursions'' (1999), p. xi

===L===
*Save for defense of my native state, I never desire again to draw my sword.
** [[Robert E. Lee]], as quoted in letter to General [[Winfield Scott]] (20 April 1861); as quoted in ''Personal Reminiscences, Anecdotes, and Letters of Gen. Robert E. Lee'' (1875) by John William Jones, p. 139, after turning down an offer by U.S. President [[Abraham Lincoln]] of supreme command of the [[United States Army]]

* I, [[Robert E. Lee]] of [[w:Lexington, Virginia|Lexington, Virginia]] do solemn, in the presence of Almighty [[God]], that I will henceforth faithfully support, protect and defend the [[United States Constitution|Constitution]] of the [[United States]], [[Union (United States)|the Union]] of the [[State]]s thereafter, and that I will, in like manner, abide by and faithful support all [[law]]s and proclamations which have been made during the existing [[rebellion]] with reference to the emancipation of [[Slavery|slaves]], so help me [[God]].
** [[Robert E. Lee]], [http://www.archives.gov/global-pages/larger-image.html?i=/publications/prologue/2005/spring/images/lee-amnesty-l.jpg&amp;c=/publications/prologue/2005/spring/images/lee-amnesty.caption.html amnesty oath to the United States] (2 October 1865)

* [[Robert E. Lee|I]] think it would be better for [[w:Virginia|Virginia]] if she could get rid of [[African Americans|them]]... I think it would be for the benefit of Virginia.
** [[Robert E. Lee]], testimony to the Joint Congressional Committee on Reconstruction (17 February 1866), responding to a question on relocating freed slaves to other states, as quoted in ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=dUgWAAAAYAAJ&amp;printsec=frontcover#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false Report of the Joint Committee on Reconstruction at the First Session Thirty-Ninth Congress]'' (Washington, D.C.: Government Printing Office, 1866), pp. 135-6

* I am rejoiced that slavery is abolished. I believe it will be greatly for the interests of the south. So fully am I satisfied of this, as regards Virginia especially, that I would cheerfully have lost all I have lost by [[American Civil War|the war]], and have suffered all I have suffered, to have this object attained.
** [[Robert E. Lee]], statement to John Leyburn (1 May 1870), as quoted in ''R. E. Lee : A Biography'' (1934) by Douglas Southall Freeman

* The people of Virginia have thus allowed this giant insurrection to make its nest within her borders, and this Government has no choice left but to deal with it where it finds it; and it has the less regret, as the loyal citizens have in due form claimed its protection. Those loyal citizens this Government is bound to recognize and protect, as being Virginia.
** [[Abraham Lincoln]], [http://millercenter.org/president/speeches/speech-3508 message to the U.S. Congress] (4 July 1861)

===M===
* '''On a view of all circumstances I have judged it most prudent not to force Billey back to Virginia even if it could be done'''; and have accordingly taken measures for his final separation from me. I am persuaded his mind is too thoroughly tainted to be a fit companion for fellow slaves in Virginia. The laws here do not admit of his being sold for more than 7 years. '''I do not expect to get near the worth of him; but cannot think of punishing him by transportation merely for coveting that liberty for which we have paid the prices of so much blood, and have proclaimed so often to be the right, and worthy the pursuit of every human being'''.
** [[James Madison]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=-IrnXiH2lbAC&amp;pg=PA11&amp;dq=%22Madison%22+%22coveting+that+liberty+for+which+we+have+paid%22&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0CCYQ6AEwAGoVChMI_ab6o9vWxwIVCmg-Ch1jIgiE#v=onepage&amp;q=%22Madison%22%20%22coveting%20that%20liberty%20for%20which%20we%20have%20paid%22&amp;f=false letter to James Madison, Sr.] (8 September 1783)

* Virginia is for lovers.
** [[w:David N. Martin|David Martin]], ''[[w:Virginia is for Lovers|Virginia is for Lovers]]'' (1969)

* I have never doubted what [[w:Virginia in the American Civil War|Virginia]] would do when the alternatives present themselves to her intelligent and gallant people, to choose between an association with her sisters and the dominion of a people, who have chosen [[Abraham Lincoln|their leader]] upon the single idea that the African is equal to the Anglo-Saxon, and with the purpose of placing our slaves on equality with ourselves and our friends of every condition! and if we of South Carolina have aided in your deliverance from tyranny and degradation, as you suppose, it will only the more assure us that we have performed our duty to ourselves and our sisters in taking the first decided step to preserve an inheritance left us by an ancestry whose spirit would forbid its being tarnished by assassins. We, of [[South Carolina]], hope soon to greet you in a Southern Confederacy, where white men shall rule our destinies, and from which we may transmit to our posterity the rights, privileges, and honor left us by our ancestors.
** [[w:John McQueen|John McQueen]], [http://web.archive.org/web/20150325131513/http://www.perseus.tufts.edu/hopper/text?doc=Perseus%3Atext%3A2006.05.0178%3Aarticle%3Dpos%3D47 ''Correspondence to T. T. Cropper and J. R. Crenshaw''] (24 December 1860), Washington, D.C., as quoted in [https://web.archive.org/web/20110321183207/http://www.civilwar.org/education/history/civil-war-overview/why-non-slaveholding.html &quot;Why Non-Slaveholding Southeners Fought&quot;] (25 January 2011), by Gordon Rhea, ''Civil War Trust''

* What was the origin of our slave population? The evil commenced when we were in our Colonial state, but acts were passed by our Colonial Legislature, prohibiting the importation, of more slaves, into the Colony. These were rejected by the Crown. We declared our independence, and the prohibition of a further importation was among the first acts of state sovereignty. Virginia was the first state which instructed her delegates to declare the colonies independent. She braved all dangers. From Quebec to Boston, and from Boston to Savannah, Virginia shed the blood of her sons. No imputation then can be cast upon her in this matter. She did all that was in her power to do, to prevent the extension of slavery, and to mitigate its evils.
** [[James Monroe]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=R9ctAAAAYAAJ&amp;pg=PA78&amp;dq=%22The+evil+commenced+when+we+were+in+our+Colonial+state%22&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0CD8Q6AEwBmoVChMIwM7FxfHTxwIViPM-Ch3fiQrs#v=onepage&amp;q=%22The%20evil%20commenced%20when%20we%20were%20in%20our%20Colonial%20state%22&amp;f=false speech in the Virginia State Convention for altering the Constitution] (2 November 1829)

* There was more vindictiveness shown to me by the [[w:Virginia|Virginia]] people for my voting for [[Ulysses S. Grant|Grant]] than the North showed to me for fighting four years against him.
** [[John S. Mosby|John Mosby]], [https://web.archive.org/web/20131212125935/http://www.gilderlehrman.org/collections/7cef7543-4137-40eb-9a58-793456309337 letter to Samuel &quot;Sam&quot; Chapman] (9 May 1907), Washington, D.C.

* I wrote you about my disgust at reading the Reunion speeches. It has since been increased by reading [[w:George Llewellyn Christian|Christian]]'s report. I am certainly glad I wasn't there. According to Christian, the Virginia people were the abolitionists and the Northern people were pro-slavery. He says slavery was 'a patriarchal' institution. So were polygamy and circumcision. Ask Hugh if he has been circumcised. Christian quotes what the Old Virginians said against slavery. True; but why didn't he quote what the modern Virginians said in favor of it? Mason, Hunter, Wise, etc. Why didn't he state that a Virginia senator, Mason, was the author of the Fugitive Slave Law, and why didn't he quote The Virginia Code that made it a crime to speak against slavery?
** [[John S. Mosby|John Mosby]], [http://web.archive.org/web/20131112054334/https://www.gilderlehrman.org/history-by-era/reconstruction/resources/former-confederate-officer-slavery-and-civil-war-1907 letter to Samuel &quot;Sam&quot; Chapman] (4 June 1907)

* [[w:Confederate States of America|The South]] went to war on account of slavery. [[w:South Carolina|South Carolina]] went to war, as she said in her secession proclamation, because slavery would not be secure under [[Abraham Lincoln|Lincoln]]. [[South Carolina]] ought to know what was the cause for her seceding. The truth is the modern Virginians departed from the teachings of the [[w:Founding Fathers of the United States|Fathers]].
** [[John S. Mosby|John Mosby]], [http://web.archive.org/web/20131112054334/https://www.gilderlehrman.org/history-by-era/reconstruction/resources/former-confederate-officer-slavery-and-civil-war-1907 letter to Samuel &quot;Sam&quot; Chapman] (4 June 1907)

===P===
* [[John Brown (abolitionist)|He]] captured [[w:Harper's Ferry|Harper's Ferry]], with his nineteen men so few, and frightened 'Old Virginny' till she trembled through and through. They hung him for a traitor, they themselves the traitor crew. But, his soul is marching on.
** [[w:William Weston Patton|William Patton]], &quot;[[w:John Brown's Body|John Brown's Body]]&quot; (1861)

===R===
* The Korean people and I were horribly shocked and deeply saddened at the tragic incident two days ago at Virginia Tech in the United States. I pray for the repose of the souls of the victims and express my wholehearted sympathy to the wounded, the bereaved families and the American people. In addition, I hope that Americans will overcome this great sorrow and difficulties and will regain peace of mind as soon as possible.
** [[w:Roh Moo-hyun|Moo-hyun Roh]], [https://web.archive.org/web/20070927231031/http://english.president.go.kr/cwd/en/archive/archive_view.php?m_def=2&amp;ss_def=1&amp;meta_id=en_speeches&amp;id=31561c9d6fb66ec7b7a5d8d1 &quot;President Says His Heart Goes to Victims, Families&quot;] (April 2007)

* Three centuries have passed since, '''with the settlements on the coasts of Virginia and Massachusetts, the real history of what is now the [[United States]] began'''. All this we ultimately owe to the action of an Italian seaman in the service of a Spanish King and a Spanish Queen. It is eminently fitting that one of the largest and most influential social organizations of this great Republic, '''[[United States|a republic in which the tongue is English, and the blood derived from many sources]]''', should, in its name, commemorate the great Italian. It is eminently fitting to make an address on Americanism.
** [[Theodore Roosevelt]], [https://archive.org/stream/immigrationameri00daviuoft/immigrationameri00daviuoft_djvu.txt &quot;Address to the Knights of Columbus&quot;] (12 October 1915)

* Even though the [Virginian] state had slaves, the Founders proclaimed all men had equal rights.
** [[w:Erik S. Root|Erik Root]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=9ZFI2j99ZFkC&amp;pg=PA90&amp;dq=%22The+evil+commenced+when+we+were+in+our+Colonial+state%22&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0CDQQ6AEwBGoVChMI7r2kuPLTxwIVxDM-Ch1KNgzw#v=onepage&amp;q=%22The%20evil%20commenced%20when%20we%20were%20in%20our%20Colonial%20state%22&amp;f=false ''All Honor to Jefferson''], p. 90

===S===

* Episcopal saw itself as part of Old Virginia. If the country was a chessboard, Virginia was the white queen, the most important state in the nation, the home of presidents. As a child, I memorized every president in order as a kind of parlor trick. My dad had given me three-inch white figurines of each president, and I could perform on command, placing them in chronological order. Asked to choose my favorites, I picked, in order, Washington, Jefferson, Madison, Monroe. Four of the first five presidents were from Virginia. (I would never pick John Adams from Massachusetts.) I knew more Virginia trivia. The American Revolution ended with the American victory at Yorktown- in Virginia. The Old Dominion hosted more Civil War battles than any other state. First again. I knew that Virginia was so far and away the best, but a Virginian would never say that. Boasting? That was for Texans. One writer described the Virginia state of mind five years before I was born as a &quot;regal humility&quot; or a mystique &quot;rooted in instincts of graciousness, chivalry, generosity and a benevolent aristocratic idealism, all attributes of the plantation society.&quot;
** Ty Seidule, ''Robert E. Lee and Me: A Southerner's Reckoning with the Myth of the Lost Cause'' (2020), p. 45

* Today, the more I learn about segregation and the Jim Crow system in Virginia, the more I agree with the great Virginia civil rights lawyer Oliver W. Hill Sr., a law partner with Samuel Tucker. Hill found a better way to explain the &quot;Virginia way of life&quot; that helped form me. In 1985, he described life for southern African American citizens during the Jim Crow era: &quot;Virginia and the whole South were police states. There isn't a question about that. Negroes didn't serve on juries... You saw no blacks in places like city hall, or public buildings, unless, maybe an elevator operator or janitor. And that's the way it was.&quot; If the Virginia of my youth was no democracy, if I call a plantation an enslaved labor farm, then I should also call segregated Virginia by its true name- a racial police state. To be clear, the South of my birth was no democracy.
** Ty Seidule, ''Robert E. Lee and Me: A Southerner's Reckoning with the Myth of the Lost Cause'' (2020), p. 72

* I wanted to be a Virginia gentleman, not a lawyer, not a teacher, not a businessman, and certainly not an army officer. Those were all careers, professions, jobs. I wanted to be a gentleman. That meant something to a white boy growing up in the South. A gentleman meant honor, chivalry, and good manners. It meant status.
** Ty Seidule, ''Robert E. Lee and Me: A Southerner's Reckoning with the Myth of the Lost Cause'' (2020), p. 107

* Maybe my wife is right. Alexandria might be a Washington suburb now. And that leaves me hopeful. Yet my white southern roots know that beneath the veneer of civility lurks a dark past of slavery, segregation, and white supremacy. Maybe we are both right. Alexandria is both southern and not so southern, trying to shed its glorification of the Confederate cause incrementally. I understand. We find it hard to confront our past because it's so ugly, but the alternative to ignoring our racist history is creating a racist future.
** Ty Seidule, ''Robert E. Lee and Me: A Southerner's Reckoning with the Myth of the Lost Cause'' (2020), p. 73

* The popular tourism slogan &quot;Virginia Is for Lovers&quot; has so many meanings to me. It certainly has meant love in the traditional sense: I fell deeply in love and got married in the Old Dominion. But the slogan also means a love of everything the state has to offer. There's a lot to love: the history, the southern charm of the people and places, the mountains, the water, the big cities, the small towns, and the many country roads. I was born and raised in Virginia and have lived in the state for all but six years of my life, when I was in the U.S. Army. My army time gave me a wanderlust that led to a career of travel. I'm a travel writer and photographer by trade and roam the world in search of a good story. But there's nothing better than roaming my own state on a country road.
** Lynn Seldon, ''Country Roads of Virginia: Drives, Day Trips, and Weekend Excursions'' (1999), 2nd edition, p. ix

* &quot;Virginia is for lovers&quot;- of weekends. There's a lot to love: the history, the southern charm of the people and places, the mountains, the water, the big cities, and the small towns. All of this makes for many great weekend options. I was born and raised in Virginia and have lived in the state most of my life. My Army time gave me a wanderlust that led to a career of travel. I'm a travel writer and photographer by trade and roam the world in search of a good story. But there's nothing better than a weekend spent in Virginia.
** Lynn Seldon, ''52 Virginia Weekends: Great Getaways and Adventures for Every Season'' (2000), 2nd edition, p. xi

* Richmond is a city rich with tradition and vibrant with growth. It's a great place to spend a weekend. Richmond is at the heart of everything wonderful about the Old (and new) Dominion, offering an interesting blend of the modern and the historic. Over a billion dollars of shiny new buildings grace the downtown skyline, but they coexist with restored mansions, museums, and warehouses. Richmonders and visitors alike enjoy the new and old riches, but city life still moves at a southern gentleman's (and gentlewoman's) pace.
** Lynn Seldon, ''52 Virginia Weekends: Great Getaways and Adventures for Every Season'' (2000), 2nd edition, p. 3

* [I]n 1782, Virginia passed a bill permitting private manumissions. Over the next ten years, Virginians manumitted about 1,000 slaves, including some who had fought as substitutes for their owners. Many more, however, were returned to slavery, so many, in fact, that the legislature felt compelled to speak out against this obvious injustice. In the fall of 1783, it passed a bill condemning owners who contrary to principles of justice and to their own solemn promise,&quot; kept their substitutes in slavery. It also instructed the Attorney General of Virginia to act on behalf of slaves held in servitude despite their war-time service and grant them the freedom they had earned. It is unknown how many slaves were freed in Virginia as a reward for military service.
** Robert A. Selig, [https://web.archive.org/web/20141008220806/http://amrevmuseum.org/reflections/african-americans-continental-army-and-state-militias-during-american-war-independence &quot;African-Americans in the Continental Army and the State Militias During the American War of Independence&quot;], ''Reflections''

* Virginia led the way among the colonies in excluding blacks from militia service, when the House of Burgesses required in January 1639 that only white Virginians arm themselves. 
** Robert A. Selig, [https://web.archive.org/web/20141201041830/http://www.americanrevolution.org/blk.php &quot;The Revolution's Black Soldiers&quot;], ''American Revolution''

* I think Stone Mountain is amusing, but then again I find most representations of [[Robert E. Lee]] and Stonewall Jackson outside of [[w:Virginia|Virginia]], and, in Jackson's case, West Virginia, to be amusing.
** [[Brooks D. Simpson]], [https://cwcrossroads.wordpress.com/2015/07/22/the-future-of-stone-mountain/ &quot;The Future of Stone Mountain&quot;] (22 July 2015), ''Crossroads''

* 'The people of the South', says a contemporary, 'are not fighting for slavery but for independence'. '''Let us look into this matter. It is an easy task, we think, to show up this new-fangled heresy, a heresy calculated to do us no good, for it cannot deceive foreign statesmen nor peoples, nor mislead any one here nor in Yankeeland'''... Our doctrine is this. '''WE ARE FIGHTING''' FOR INDEPENDENCE '''THAT OUR GREAT AND NECESSARY DOMESTIC INSTITUTION OF [[Slavery|SLAVERY]] SHALL BE PRESERVED''', and for the preservation of other institutions of which [[slavery]] is the groundwork.
** [http://civilwarcauses.org/punch.htm ''Southern Punch''] (19 September 1864), Richmond, as quoted in [https://archive.is/jcaoZ ''The Confederate Battle Flag: America's Most Embattled Emblem''] (2005), by John M. Coski

===T===
* Virginians typically treated their slaves harshly.
** Mary V. Thompson, [http://www.mountvernon.org/george-washington/slavery/the-only-unavoidable-subject-of-regret/ &quot;The Only Unavoidable Subject of Regret&quot;], ''Mount Vernon''

* Better, far better! Endure all the horrors of civil war than to see the dusky sons of Ham leading the fair daughters of the South to the altar.
** [[w:William Thompson|William Thompson]], [http://civilwartalk.com/threads/why-did-the-average-soldier-fight-in-the-acw.12486/page-14 letter to Warner A. Thompson] (2 February 1861), as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=1qhEHVki8tEC&amp;pg=PA19&amp;dq=%22endure+all+the+horrors+of+civil+war+than+to+see+the+dusky+sons+of+Ham+leading+the+fair+daughters+of+the+South+to+the+altar%22&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0CB0Q6AEwAGoVChMIwrGQhM7hxwIVyGg-Ch3phAf7#v=onepage&amp;q=%22endure%20all%20the%20horrors%20of%20civil%20war%20than%20to%20see%20the%20dusky%20sons%20of%20Ham%20leading%20the%20fair%20daughters%20of%20the%20South%20to%20the%20altar%22&amp;f=false ''For Cause and Comrades: Why Men Fought in the Civil War''] (1997), by [[James M. McPherson]], New York City: Oxford University Press, Inc., p. 19

* Our story actually begins at Jamestown, as almost all Virginia stories do... yes, even the story of Hampden-Sydney's College Presbyterian Church.
** William E. Thompson, ''Her Walls Before Thee Stand: The 235-Year History of the Presbyterian Congregation at Hampden-Sydney, Virginia'' (2010), revised 2011 edition, p. 15

* The [[w:Jamestown, Virginia|Jamestown]] settlers ''never ever'' pretended to have come to the New World on a noble quest for religious freedom. Instead, they represented a daring economic endeavor which was sponsored by a group of venture capitalists who were collectively known as ''The Virginia Company''. Many of these forefathers of the fabled &quot;First Families of Virginia&quot; were, in fact, escaping Old World arrest warrants, debt collectors, paternity suits, military obligations, home duties, and the like. No, for the Jamestown pioneers- as well as for most of those who soon followed them to other nearby Tidewater villages and plantations- the purity and the practice of their Christian faith were ''secondary'' matters... although the Jamestown colony ''did'' have an Anglican priest among its settlers, and very shortly he began celebrating the Eucharist for these men. There were Calvinist Puritans in this group, but they just quietly tolerated this religious exercise without protest, while not completely embracing its theology.
** William E. Thompson, ''Her Walls Before Thee Stand: The 235-Year History of the Presbyterian Congregation at Hampden-Sydney, Virginia'' (2010), revised 2011 edition, p. 16

* However, even if these earliest Virginians ''had'' been seeking the free and unfettered practice of their particular type of Christianity, there would be no true &quot;religious freedom&quot; ''anywhere'' in Virginia for nearly two more centuries... and therefore surviving with one's personal faith intact would become the defining struggle for most of the Presbyterians who immigrated to this same colony during the 17th and 18th centuries.
** William E. Thompson, ''Her Walls Before Thee Stand: The 235-Year History of the Presbyterian Congregation at Hampden-Sydney, Virginia'' (2010), revised 2011 edition, p. 16

* Officially ''all'' of the early white Virginia settlers [and any of their black slaves and their native neighbors (''e.g.'', Pocahontas) who were subsequently evangelized into Christianity] were ''supposed'' to be, or ''assumed'' to be, members of the Anglican Church. While those who openly declared themselves to be otherwise were not specifically labeled as &quot;outlaws&quot;, their rather prejudicial classification as &quot;dissenters&quot; meant that those daring-to-be-different Christians were living on the teeter-totter edge of colonial legality, Crown loyalty, and civil propriety.
** William E. Thompson, ''Her Walls Before Thee Stand: The 235-Year History of the Presbyterian Congregation at Hampden-Sydney, Virginia'' (2010), revised 2011 edition, p. 17

* When a civil war began in the 1640s between the King's forces and the Parliamentary forces, many English religious dissenters joined the anti-royalists. At this time, Virginia's royal governor, William Berkeley, reacted by arbitrarily condemning ''all Virginia dissenters'' as similar being seditious anti-royalists; some Tidewater dissenters were banished from Virginia at this time, while others simply moved farther up the James River to areas (in present-day Hanover County) north and west of its fall-line. Some of these &quot;uprooted and transplanted&quot; Piedmont dissenters became the ancestors of the Presbyterian congregation that would later be formed at Hampden-Sydney, Virginia.
** William E. Thompson, ''Her Walls Before Thee Stand: The 235-Year History of the Presbyterian Congregation at Hampden-Sydney, Virginia'' (2010), revised 2011 edition, p. 20

===V===

* The Virginia town of [[w:Charlottesville, Virginia|Charlottesville]] is a good place to remember. I was born there on March 13, 1887, and lived there until 1909 when I left for a new home, the Marine Corps. Forty years later I returned, then moved to Florida, my current home. Charlottesville is still a good place to remember. To me Charlottesville will always be a little town sitting quiet in the foothills of the [[w:Blue Ridge Mountains|Blue Ridge Mountains]], the home of some 8,000 people, dirt streets lighted by gas lamps, a yellow glow that on a winter evening peeped comfortably through the drawn drapery of the red-brick houses on East High Street- my route when I was hurrying to explain to my parents why I was late for supper.
** [[Alexander Vandegrift]], ''Once a Marine: The Memoirs of General A.A. Vandegrift, U.S.M.C.'' (1964), p. 21

* In those years we lived rather close to the Civil War, an atmosphere that molded our likes and dislikes almost into one. We were so soundly Democratic that our parents always pointed out Charlottesville's only Republican to any visitor. The first time politics meant anything to me was during [[Grover Cleveland]]'s second campaign. My mother took me to the balcony of Monticello Hotel to watch a torchlight political parade which to me meant my father handsomely dressed in a gray alpaca coat, a gray beaver hat and a rooster on his shoulder. Such state occasions rarely occurred. Most of the time we entertained ourselves. In spring, when Virginia smells sweeter than any place I have since visited in the world, we went blackberrying to bring back loaded pails which Henrietta, my mother's cook of long years, baked into fragrant and delicious pies. Summers we swam in the [[w:Rivanna River|Rivanna River]], a muddy little stream about two miles from town; sometimes we fished it from an old flat-bottomed boat and occasionally pulled out a perch or catfish. When the leaves turned brown we took schoolbags and hiked to the nearby Ragged Mountains to garner bushels of chestnuts and later to cook them over red coals and enjoy their odor as much as their meat. After Christmas the little ponds sometimes froze over, which meant digging out skates from the hall closet and trying our luck on ice never more than an inch and a half thick- and many were the duckings we took.
** [[Alexander Vandegrift]], ''Once a Marine: The Memoirs of General A.A. Vandegrift, U.S.M.C.'' (1964), p. 23

* This being only thirty years after the Civil War, Charlottesville abounded in military experiences. From as long as I can remember Grandfather Carson told me stories about his campaigns. He was a very impressive man and I listened carefully to his tales. He was also very devout. A Baptist deacon, he said prayers before breakfast; if you missed these, you missed breakfast. He held few men in awe, but those few he treated mighty respectfully- he always prayed to &quot;the God of Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Robert E. Lee and Stonewall Jackson.&quot;
** [[Alexander Vandegrift]], ''Once a Marine: The Memoirs of General A.A. Vandegrift, U.S.M.C.'' (1964), p. 25

* '''That all men are by nature equally free and independent and have certain inherent rights''', of which, when they enter into a state of society, they cannot, by any compact, deprive or divest their posterity; namely, the enjoyment of life and liberty, with the means of acquiring and possessing property, and pursuing and obtaining happiness and safety.
** [[w:Virginia Declaration of Rights|''Virginia Declaration of Rights'']] (12 June 1776)

* A well-regulated militia, composed of the body of the people, trained to arms, is the proper, natural, and safe defense of a free state; that standing armies, in time of peace, should be avoided as dangerous to liberty; and that in all cases the military should be under strict subordination to, and governed by, the civil power.
** [[w:Virginia Declaration of Rights|''Virginia Declaration of Rights'']] (12 June 1776)

*''[[w:Sic semper tyrannis|Sic semper tyrannis]]''
** Latin for &quot;Thus Always to [[Tyrants]]&quot;.
** See &quot;[https://web.archive.org/web/20090115165637/https://www.virginia.org/site/features.asp?FeatureID=138 State Symbols, Seals and Emblems],&quot; archived from the virginia.org original on 15 January 2009.

===W===
*Virginia for so long has made me look back on whatever regional identity it might have. My first impression is that it doesn't really have one... Virginia, for those without easy transportation options, is downright god-awfully ''boring''.
**[[w:Alexander Wallace|Alexander Wallace]], [https://www.theodysseyonline.com/beltway-boy-comes-home &quot;A Beltway Boy Comes Home&quot;] (27 December 2017), ''The Odyssey Online''

* Today, I offer the Commonwealth's sincere apology for Virginia's participation in eugenics. We must remember the Commonwealth's past mistakes in order to prevent them from recurring.
** [[w:Mark Warner|Mark Warner]], as quoted in [http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/1965811.stm &quot;Virginia apologises for eugenics policy&quot;] (3 May 2002), ''BBC News'', United Kingdom: British Broadcasting Corporation

* There is patently no legitimate overriding purpose independent of invidious racial discrimination which justifies this classification. The fact that Virginia prohibits only interracial marriages involving white persons demonstrates that the racial classifications must stand on their own justification, as measures designed to maintain White Supremacy. We have consistently denied the constitutionality of measures which restrict the rights of citizens on account of race. There can be no doubt that restricting the freedom to marry solely because of racial classifications violates the central meaning of the Equal Protection Clause.
**[[Earl Warren]], in ''Loving v. Virginia'' (1967), as quoted in [http://www.amazon.com/Everyone-African-Science-Explodes-Myth/dp/1633880184/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8 ''Everyone Is African: How Science Explodes the Myth of Race''], by Daniel J. Fairbanks

==External links==
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      <comment>Reverted edit by [[User:2.51.65.112|2.51.65.112]] ([[User talk:2.51.65.112|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/2.51.65.112|contributions]]) to last version by UDScott</comment>
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      <text bytes="29954" xml:space="preserve">[[File:ThomasDiggesmap.JPG|right|thumb|[[Anaximander]]:The [[earth]] is a [[w:Cylinder|cylindrical]] [[w:column|column]], surrounded by [[air]]; it floats upright in the centre of the [[universe]] without support or anything to stand on, yet it does not fall because, being in the centre, it has no preferred [[w:direction|direction]] towards which to lean; if it did, this would disturb the symmetry and balance of the whole. The spherical [[heaven]]s enclose the [[w:atmosphere|atmosphere]].]]
'''[[w:Symmetry|Symmetry]]''' (from [[w:Greek language|Greek]] συμμετρία symmetria &quot;agreement in dimensions, due proportion, arrangement&quot;) has two meanings. The first is a vague sense of harmonious and beautiful proportion and balance. The second is an exact mathematical &quot;patterned self-similarity&quot; that can be demonstrated with the rules of a formal system, such as [[geometry]] or [[physics]]. Although these two meanings of &quot;symmetry&quot; can sometimes be told apart, they are related, so they are here discussed together. Mathematical symmetry may be observed with respect to the passage of time; as a spatial relationship; through geometric [[transformation]]s such as scaling, reflection, and rotation; through other kinds of functional transformations and as an aspect of [[abstract]] objects, theoretic models, [[language]], [[music]] and even [[knowledge]] itself.

__NOTOC__
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== A ==

*...which were neither [[w:Lofty|lofty]] nor shaped by any noticeable inner [[harmony]] or symmetry, other than that all parts of the room were pretty much ...
**[[Douglas Adams]], in [http://www.archive.org/stream/loftylowlyorgood01mcinuoft/loftylowlyorgood01mcinuoft_djvu.txt  Full text of &quot;The lofty and the lowly; or, Good in all and ...]

* The [[earth]] is a [[w:Cylinder|cylindrical]] [[w:column|column]], surrounded by [[air]]; it floats upright in the centre of the [[universe]] without support or anything to stand on, yet it does not fall because, being in the centre, it has no preferred [[w:Direction|direction]] towards which to lean; if it did, this would disturb the symmetry and balance of the whole. The spherical [[heaven]]s enclose the [[w:atmosphere|atmosphere]] 'like the bark of a tree', and there are several layers of this enclosure to accommodate the various stellar objects.
**[[Anaximander]], in [http://www.ict.griffith.edu.au/~johnt/1004ICT/lectures/lecture02/Sleepwalkers-pp19-25.html Early Conceptions of the Cosmos]

*While both the [[w:Metaphysicist|metaphysicist]] and the [[physicist]] draw conclusions from their general [[doctrine]]s, the one is contented with [[logic]]al symmetry, the other demands the [[w:confrontation|confrontation]] with [[facts]].
**[[Aristotle]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=YFJZAAAAcAAJ&amp;pg=PA33 Aristotle: a chapter from the history of science including analyses of ...], p. 33,  quoted by George Henry Lewes.

*The chief forms of [[beauty]] are [[order]] and symmetry and definiteness, which the mathematical sciences [[w:demonstrate|demonstrate]] in a special degree...
**[[Aristotle]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=uoELqVKpUhMC&amp;pg=PA213 Toward an Aesthetics of Blindness: An Interdisciplinary Response to Synge ...], p. 213.

== B ==
[[File:SphinxGiza.jpg|right|thumb|[[Kate Bush]]:I'm busy chasing up my [[demon]].&lt;br&gt;Oh, I'm in [[love]] With [[Egypt]].]]
*Tyger! Tyger! burning bright&lt;br&gt; in the forests of the night,&lt;br&gt; What [[immortal]] hand or eye&lt;br&gt; Could frame thy fearful symmetry?
**[[William Blake]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=cVAIBeCXxmwC&amp;pg=PT220 Famous Quotes from 100 Great People], p. 220.

*Guided only by their feeling for symmetry, simplicity, and generality, and an indefinable sense of the fitness of things, creative mathematicians now, as in the past, are inspired by the art of mathematics rather than by any prospect of ultimate usefulness.
**[[Eric Temple Bell]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=JNbKURWmODkC&amp;pg=PA172 777 Mathematical Conversation Starters], p,172.

*The sands run red&lt;br&gt;In lands of the [[w:Pharoahs|Pharoahs]].&lt;br&gt;Their symmetry gets right inside me.&lt;br&gt;
*I cannot stop to [[comfort]] them.&lt;br&gt;I'm busy chasing up my demon. &lt;br&gt;I cannot stop to comfort them. &lt;br&gt;I'm busy chasing up my [[demon]].&lt;br&gt;Oh, I'm in [[love]] With [[Egypt]].
**[[Kate Bush]], in [http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/katebush/egypt.html  Kate Bush Lyrics]

== C ==

*...That a right Mind, and generous [[Affection]], had more [[Beauty]] and Charm, than all  other Symmetrys in the World besides. And, That a Grain of [[Honesty]] and Has five [[Worth]], was of more value than all the adventitious Ornaments...
**[[Anthony Ashley-Cooper, 3rd Earl of Shaftesbury]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=ySgJAAAAQAAJ&amp;pg=PA168 Characteristicks of Men, Manners, Opinions, Times], p. 168
== D ==

* Men achieve tranquillity through moderation in pleasure and through the symmetry of life. Want and superfluity are apt to upset them and to cause great perturbations in the soul. The souls that are rent by violent conflicts are neither stable nor tranquil. ...one ought not to desire other men's blessings, and one ought not to envy those who have more, but rather, comparing his life with that of those who fare worse, and laying to heart their sufferings, deem himself blest of fortune in that he lives and fares so much better than they. Holding fast to this saying you will pass your life in greater tranquillity and will avert not a few of the plagues of life—envy and jealousy and bitterness of mind.
** [[Democritus]] (ca. 400 BCE) as quoted by  {{w|Charles Montague Bakewell}}, ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=uPcPAAAAYAAJ Source Book in Ancient Philosophy]'' (1907)

* What is this world? A complex whole, subject to endless revolutions. All these revolutions show a continual tendency to destruction; a swift succession of beings who follow one another, press forward, and vanish; a fleeting symmetry; the order of a moment. I reproached you just now with estimating the perfection of things by your own capacity; and I might accuse you here of measuring its duration by the length of your own days. You judge of the continuous existence of the world, as an ephemeral insect might judge of yours. The world is eternal for you, as you are eternal to the being that lives but for one instant. Yet the insect is the more reasonable of the two. For what a prodigious succession of ephemeral generations attests your eternity! What an immeasurable tradition! Yet shall we all pass away, without the possibility of assigning either the real extension that we filled in space, or the precise time that we shall have endured. Time, matter, space—all, it may be, are no more than a point.
** [[Denis Diderot]], ''Lettre sur les aveugles'' [''Letter on the Blind''] (1749)

== E ==
== F ==
[[File:Parmigianino 004.jpg|right|thumb|[[w:Henry Fuseli|Henry Fuseli]]:[[w:Body proportions|Proportion]], or symmetry, is the basis of [[beauty]]; propriety, of [[grace]].]]
* I wrote Fearful Symmetry during the [[Second World War]], and hideous as that time was, it provided some parallels with Blake’s time which were useful for understanding Blake’s [[attitude]] to the [[world]].
**[[Northrop Frye]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=4cOcHsKhzrgC&amp;pg=PP11 Fearful Symmetry: A Study of William Blake], p. 11.

*Her [[dream]]s, of course, partook of this symmetry. The same dream returns to her periodically, annually, and punctual to its night.
**[[Margaret Fuller]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=mfoDAAAAQAAJ&amp;pg=PA123 The Spiritual Magazine], p. 123.

*[[w:Body proportions|Proportion]], or symmetry, is the basis of [[beauty]]; propriety, of [[grace]].
**[[w:Henry Fuseli|Henry Fuseli]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=Py05AQAAMAAJ&amp;pg=PA77 Lectures], in p. 78.

== G ==

*[[Truth]] it seems to me — is no [[absolute]] thing, but always relative, the essential symmetry in the varying relationships of life;...
**[[John Galsworthy]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=ehcPvFQXJV0C&amp;pg=PA207 The Complete Essays of John Galsworthy], p. 207.

* Physicists describe the two properties of physical laws—that they do not depend on when or where you use them—as ''symmetries'' of nature. By this usage physicists mean that nature treats every moment in time and every location in space identically—symmetrically—by ensuring that the same fundamental laws are in operation. Much in the same manner that they affect art and music, such symmetries are deeply satisfying; they highlight an order and coherence in the workings of nature. The elegance of rich, complex, and diverse phenomena emerging from a simple set of universal laws is at least part of what physicists mean when they invoke the term &quot;beautiful.&quot;&lt;!--p. 169--&gt;
** [[Brian Greene]], ''The Elegant Universe'' (1999) Ch. 7 The &quot;Super&quot; in Superstrings.

* One overarching lesson... during the past hundred years is that the known laws of physics are associated with principles of symmetry. Special relativity is based on the symmetry embodied in the {{w|principle of relativity}}—the symmetry between all constant-velocity vantage points. The gravitational force, as embodied in the general theory of relativity, is based on the [[equivalence principle]]—the extension of the principle of relativity to embrace all vantage points regardless of the complexity of their states of motion. And the strong, weak, and electromagnetic forces are based on the... [[Gauge theory|gauge symmetry principles]]. ...[[String theory]] takes us down another notch on the scale of explanatory depth because all of these symmetry principles, as well as another—{{w|supersymmetry}}—emerge from its structure.&lt;!-- p. 374-375/2003 --&gt;
** [[Brian Greene]], ''The Elegant Universe'' (1999, 2003) Ch. 15 &quot;Prospects.&quot;

== H ==
[[File:Dunes in Gobi Gurvansaikhan National Park.jpg|right|thumb|[[Frank Herbert]]:There is in all things a pattern that is part of our universe. It has symmetry, [[elegance]], and grace - those qualities you find always in that which the true artist captures. You can find it in the turning of the [[seasons]], in the way [[sand]] trails along a [[w:Ridge|ridge]], in the branch [[clusters]] of [[w:creosote bush|creosote bush]] or the patterns of its leaves.]]
*According to the [[w:atomic theory|atomic theory]] the forming force in this process is to a certain extent the symmetry characteristic of the solution to [[w:Erwin Schrödinger|Schrodinger]]’s wave [[w:Equation|equation]] and to that extent x [[w:Crytalization|crytalization]] is explained by the atomic theory.
*[[Werner Heisenberg]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=57Wjgn-rLhwC&amp;pg=PA300 Nobel Lectures in Physics], p. 300.

*There is in all things a [[w:Pattern|pattern]] that is part of our universe. It has symmetry, [[w:Elegance|elegance]], and grace - those qualities you find always in that which the true [[artist]] captures. You can find it in the turning of the [[seasons]], in the way [[sand]] trails along a [[w:Ridge|ridge]], in the branch [[w:Clusters|clusters]] of [[w:creosote bush|creosote bush]] or the patterns of its leaves.
**[[Frank Herbert]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=GgRGF_uDp9AC&amp;pg=PA33 The Secret Teachings of Plants: The Intelligence of the Heart in the Direct ...]

== I ==
== J ==

*To let the reader sometimes complete the symmetry between [[words]] and to do no more than suggest it. In this painting of our life given to us by our memories, everything is moving and depends on our point of view.
**[[Joseph Joubert]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=hWlcAAAAMAAJ Translations], p. 147.

*You know what Aquinas says: The three things requisite for beauty are, [[integrity]], a wholeness, symmetry and radiance.
**[[James Joyce]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=9lhKAAAAMAAJ Problems in modern English fiction], p. 65.

== K ==

*Lived in perfect symmetry&lt;br&gt;What I do, that will be done to me&lt;br&gt;As the needle slips into the run out groove&lt;br&gt;Love, maybe you'll feel it too.
**[[Keane]], in [http://www.metrolyrics.com/perfect-symmetry-lyrics-keane.html Keane Perfect Symmetry Lyrics | MetroLyrics]
[[File:Betula pendula Finland.jpg|right|thumb|[[w:Silver birch|silver birch]] - [[Helen Keller]]: I feel the delicate symmetry of a leaf. I pass my hands lovingly about the smooth skin of a [[w:Silver birch|silver birch]], or the rough shaggy bark of a pine.]]
*I feel the [[w:Delicate|delicate]] symmetry of a leaf. I pass my hands lovingly about the smooth skin of a [[w:Silver birch|silver birch]], or the rough shaggy [[w:Bark|bark]] of a [[w:pine|pine]].
**[[Helen Keller]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=I5dPNwLrua4C&amp;pg=PA76 You Gotta Keep Dancin'], p. 76.

*Without any underlying symmetry properties, the job of proving interesting results becomes extremely unpleasant. The enjoyment of one's tools is an [[essential]] ingredient of [[successful]] work.
**[[Donald Knuth]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=OtLNKNVh1XoC&amp;pg=PA238 The Art Of Computer Programming, Volume 2: Seminumerical Algorithms, 3/E], p. 238.

*...for the [[discovery]] of the origin of the broken symmetry which predicts the existence of at least three families of quarks in nature.
**[[Makoto Kobayashi (physicist)]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=6MA9BtdeohUC Greening of Petroleum Operations: The Science of Sustainable Energy Production]]

== L ==

*Your borrowers of [[book]]s—those mutilators of collections, spoilers of the symmetry of shelves, and [[creator]]s of odd volumes.
**[[Charles Lamb]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=_Ol31GmIAZgC&amp;pg=PA23 The Equation that Couldn't Be Solved: How Mathematical Genius Discovered the ...], p. 23.

*Since the beginning of [[physics]], symmetry considerations have provided us with an extremely powerful and useful tool in our [[effort]] to understand nature. Gradually they have become the backbone of our theoretical formulation of [[w:physical law|physical law]]s.
**[[w:Tsung-Dao Le|Tsung-Dao Le]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=CMYdFEntAHUC&amp;pg=PA177 Particle Physics and Introduction to Field Theory: Revised and Updated First], p. 177.

*The introduction of symmetries belongs here too, [[w:Silhouette|silhouettes]] in inkblots, etc. Likewise the gradation we establish in the order of [[w:Creature|creature]]s: all this is not in the things but in us. In general we cannot remember too often that when we observe nature, and especially the ordering of nature, it is always ourselves alone we are observing.
**[[Georg Christoph Lichtenberg]], in [http://www.philosopherzone.com/georg-christoph-lichtenberg/. Georg Christoph Lichtenberg]

* Nature has been kind to us by being governed by ''universal'' laws, rather than by mere parochial bylaws. A hydrogen atom on Earth... or even in a galaxy that is ten billion light years away, behaves in precisely the same manner. And this is true in any direction we look and at any time. ...such properties ...are called ''symmetries'' and they reflect immunity to changes in location, orientation, or the time... If not for these (and other) symmetries, any hope of deciphering nature's grand design would have been lost...
** [[w:Mario Livio|Mario Livio]], ''Is God a Mathematician?'' (2009) p. 251.

== M ==

*I'm terribly [[w:fastidious|fastidious]]. I like symmetry and neatness, but my house is as chaotic as any other family's.
**[[w:Kevin McCloud|Kevin McCloud]], in [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/books/8088675/Grand-Designs-Kevin-McCloud-My-house-is-as-chaotic-as-yours.html  Grand Designs Kevin McCloud: 'My house is as chaotic as yours']

*The symmetry of form attainable in pure [[fiction]] can not so readily be achieved in a [[narration]] essentially having less to do with [[fable]] than ...
**[[Herman Melville]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=4YyoZDTlZ9wC&amp;pg=PA280 Bloom's how to Write about Herman Melville], p. 280.
* Like the ski resort full of [[girl]]s hunting for [[husband]]s and husbands hunting for girls the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem.
**[[Alan Lindsay Mackay]] in [https://books.google.cz/books?id=JJ1aDC_wYM0C&amp;printsec=frontcover#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false New Theories of Everything].

* For every symmetry there comes a constraint. ...If physics is to look the same when the origin of time is shifted... [o]nly those processes that [[w:Conservation of energy|conserve energy]] are allowed. ...If physical law is to be immune to the arbitrary displacement of our spatial axes, then nature requires the conservation of {{w|linear momentum}}. ...If the laws are to be unaffected by the arbitrary rotation of a coordinate system, then {{w|angular momentum}} must be conserved. ...If the laws are to be the same for all inertial observers, then the [[w:Spacetime#Spacetime interval|space-time interval]] must be invariant. ...[A]nother constraint ...so beautiful as to make one jaw drop in wonder ...''symmetry creates force''. ...[T]he symmetry of identical particles forces matter ...to be enrolled as either {{w|fermion}} or {{w|boson}} ...Bosons, typified by the [[photon]], carry the  the fundamental forces that cause fermions to attract and repel. Fermions, led by electrons and quarks, become constituents of ordinary matter. ...Gravity. Electromagnetism. The strong force. The weak force. Each {{w|fundamental interaction}} is called into being by the requirements of a particular local symmetry.&lt;!-- pp. 211-223--&gt;
** Michael Munowitz, ''Knowing: The Nature of Physical Law'' (2005)

== N ==
== O ==

*Some people focus more on sonics. Some people [[focus]] more on story. I focus on both sonics and story, but music sometimes, just music itself, can turn into more of a maths problem. I guess everything in life is a math problem, but it can be more about an [[w:Empirical|empirical]] route to getting the symmetry that you want, and this vibe, sonically.
**[[w:Frank Ocean|Frank Ocean ]], in [http://www.theguardian.com/music/2012/dec/13/frank-ocean-would-be-best Frank Ocean: 'I told y'all my album would be the best!']

== P ==
[[File:Trees in the moonlight.jpg|thumb|[[Blaise Pascal]]:*Symmetry is what we see at a [[w:Glance|glance]]; based on the [[fact]] that there is no reason for any [[w:Difference|difference]]...]]
[[File:2003-32-GravitationalLens.jpg|right|thumb|[[Thomas Pynchon]]: ...among its most tender flesh without a [[reflex]] or cry, then at least, at very least, waiting for a symmetry of choices to break down, to go skew....]]
*Beauty is our [[weapon]] against nature; by it we make objects, giving them limit, symmetry, proportion. Beauty halts and freezes the melting flux of nature.
**[[Camille Paglia]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=mxp_ltnr3iQC&amp;pg=PA165 Culture], p. 165.

*Symmetry is what we see at a [[w:Glance|glance]]; based on the [[fact]] that there is no reason for any [[w:Difference|difference]]...
**[[Blaise Pascal]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=cVCCvN48MmIC&amp;pg=PA126 From Summetria to Symmetry: The Making of a Revolutionary Scientific Concept ...], p. 126.

*Fascinated by its symmetry the geometer may at times have been too exclusively engrossed with his [[science]], forgetful of its [[application]]s;...
**[[Benjamin Peirce]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=dHF9OgSF_80C&amp;pg=PA106 The Early Years of the Saturday Club: 1855-1870], p. 106.

*By the time of his [[w:String Quartet No. 4 (Bartók)Fourth String Quartet]], inversional symmetry had become as fundamental a premise of [[Bartok]]'s [[w:Harmonic|harmonic]] [[language]] as it is of the twelve-tone music of [[Schoenberg]], Berg, and [[Webern]].
**[[George Perle]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=hc8ZBSc6nFsC&amp;pg=PA46 The Listening Composer], p. 46.

*It is the [[harmony]] of the diverse parts, their symmetry, their happy balance; in a word it is all that introduces order, all that gives [[unity]], that permits us to see clearly and to comprehend at once both the [[w:Ensemble|ensemble]] and the details.
**[[Henri Poincare ]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=eYPBAyDRjOUC&amp;pg=PA3 Ultra Low Power Bioelectronics], p. 3.

*...among its most [[w:Tender|tender]] flesh without a [[w:Reflex|reflex]] or [[w:Cry|cry]], then at least, at very least, waiting for a [[symmetry]] of choices to break down, to go skew....
**[[Thomas Pynchon]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=6gDQabKQi0oC&amp;pg=PA97 Middle Grounds: Studies in Contemporary American Fiction], p. 97.

== Q ==
== R ==
[[File:WMAP 2006 94 GHz temperature map.png|right|thumb|[[Varadaraja V. Raman]]: When one is involved in the [[discovery]] and discernment of the marvelous [[laws]] and symmetries that shape the phenomenal world, one cannot but be struck by the silent and unfathomable [[intelligence]] that seems to pervade the [[Cosmos]].]]
*When one is involved in the [[discovery]] and discernment of the marvelous [[laws]] and symmetries that shape the phenomenal world, one cannot but be struck by the silent and unfathomable [[intelligence]] that seems to pervade the [[Cosmos]].
**[[Varadaraja V. Raman]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=UggdrSiVvhsC&amp;pg=PA142 Truth and Tension in Science and Religion], p. 142
[[File:Sabine wheel by alexander braun.png|right|thumb|Graphic design -[[Paul Rand]]:Graphic design, which evokes the symmetria of Vituvius, the dynamic symmetry of Hambidge, the asymmetry of Mondrian; which is a good gestalt, generated by intuition or by computer, by invention or by a system of coordinates, is not good design if it does not communicate.]]
*[[Graphic design]], which evokes the ''symmetria of Vituvius'', the dynamic symmetry of Hambidge, the asymmetry of Mondrian; which is a good gestalt, generated by intuition or by computer, by invention or by a system of coordinates, is not good design if it does not communicate.
**[[w:Paul Rand|Paul Rand]], in [http://search.barnesandnoble.com/used/product.asp?ean=2693798829311 Paul Rand: A Designer's Art].

*I don't know if it's a [[sign]] of all the chaos that is happening out there or not, but I've lately craved the structure and order of [[classical music]], the balance and symmetry.
**[[w:Helen Reddy|Helen Reddy]], in [http://worldclassicalnetwork.com/programming.htm WCN Programming]

*No human face is exactly the same in its lines on each side, no leaf [[perfect]] in its lobes, no branch in its symmetry. All admit irregularity as they imply change; and to [[w:Banish|banish]] [[w:Imperfection|
imperfection]] is to destroy [[expression]], to check [[w:Exterion|exertion]], to paralyze [[w:Vitality|vitality]]. All things are literally better, lovelier, and more beloved for the imperfections which have been divinely appointed, that the law of human life may be Effort, and the law of human [[judgment]], [[Mercy]].
**[[John Ruskin]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=97B464jAVGcC&amp;pg=PA138 The Pre-Raphaelites: Writings and Sources, Volume 3], p. 138.

== S ==

*Let us think that no [[human rights]] will exist without symmetry of the duties that correspond to them. It is not to be expected that government in the next 50 years will do it.
**[[José Saramago]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=ovhoCr4zUDAC&amp;pg=PA12 Service Learning: Linking Library Education and Practice], p. 12.

*His [[genius]] for [[poetry]] and [[music]] enabled him to reproduce the [[rhythm]] and [[melody]], the [[w:Conscious parallelism|parallelism]] and symmetry, of [[w:Hebrew language|Hebrew]] poetry and [[w:Prose|prose]].
**[[Philip Schaff]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=w3JrAXpjxEEC&amp;pg=PT402 History of the Christian Church, Volume VII. Modern Christianity. The German ...], p. 402
[[File:Charles Burnham at the Mimi Festival, Frioul islands, Marseilles, France.jpg|right|thumb|[[Pierre Schaeffer]]:Take a sound from whatever source, a note on a violin, a scream, a moan, a creaking door, and there is always this symmetry between the sound basis, which is complex and has numerous characteristics which emerge through a process of comparison within our perception.]]
*Take a [[sound]] from whatever source, a note on a [[w:violin|violin]], a scream, a moan, a creaking door, and there is always this symmetry between the sound basis, which is complex and has numerous characteristics which emerge through a process of comparison within our [[perception]].
**[[Pierre Schaeffer ]], in [http://www.ele-mental.org/ele_ment/said&amp;did/schaeffer_interview.html pierre schaefferan interview with the pioneer of musique concrete].

*[[Consistency]] is the [[enemy]] of [[enterprise]], just as symmetry is the enemy of [[art]].
**[[George Bernard Shaw ]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=f_fhVr6Hz98C&amp;pg=PT201 The EU's Foreign Policy: What Kind of Power and Diplomatic Action?], p. 201.

*Perhaps the most profound synthesis of physical [[science]]s came from the realization that everything could be understood from “[[conservation]] laws” and symmetry principles.
**[[Didier Sornette]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=eUd8MWV_twMC&amp;pg=RA1-PA136 Why Stock Markets Crash: Critical Events in Complex Financial Systems], p. 36.

== T ==
[[File:Antoine-Louis Barye - Gazelle of Ethiopia - Walters 2731.jpg|right|thumb|[[Bayard Taylor]]:The nearest approach I have ever seen to the symmetry of ancient [[sculpture]] was among the [[w:Arab tribe|Arab tribes]] of [[Ethiopia]]. Our [[w:Saxon Race|Saxon race]] can supply the [[w:Athlete|athlete]], but not the [[w:Apollo|Apollo]].]]
*The nearest approach I have ever seen to the symmetry of ancient [[sculpture]] was among the [[w:Arab tribe|Arab tribes]] of [[Ethiopia]]. Our [[w:Saxon Race|Saxon race]] can supply the [[w:Athlete|athlete]], but not the [[w:Apollo|Apollo]].
**[[Bayard Taylor]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=pNk6AQAAMAAJ&amp;pg=PA534  Putnam's Monthly, Volume 4], p. 534.

== U ==
== V ==

*The universe is built on a plan the profound symmetry of which is somehow present in the inner structure of our [[intellect]].
**[[Paul Valery]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=8qIZuhFlAK0C&amp;pg=PA2456 Gaither's Dictionary of Scientific Quotations: A Collection of Approximately ...], p. 2456.

== W ==
[[File:Hoag's object.jpg|right|thumb|[[w:Steven Weinberg|Steven Weinberg]]: We have simply arrived too late in the history of the universe to see this [[w:primordial|primordial]] [[simplicity]] easily … But although the symmetries are hidden from us, we can sense that they are latent in nature, governing everything about us. That's the most exciting idea I know: that nature is much simpler than it looks. Nothing makes me more hopeful that our generation of human beings may actually hold the key to the universe in our hands—that perhaps in our lifetimes we may be able to tell why all of what we see in this immense universe of [[w:Galaxy|galaxies]] and particles is logically inevitable.]]

*Break a vase, and the love that reassembles the fragments is stronger than that love which took its symmetry for granted when it was whole.
**[[Derek Walcott]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=wqVZvo5BH0EC&amp;pg=PA26 Derek Walcott: Politics and Poetics], p. 26.

*We have simply arrived too late in the history of the universe to see this [[w:primordial|primordial]] [[simplicity]] easily … But although the symmetries are hidden from us, we can sense that they are latent in nature, governing everything about us. That's the most exciting idea I know: that nature is much simpler than it looks. Nothing makes me more hopeful that our generation of human beings may actually hold the key to the universe in our hands—that perhaps in our lifetimes we may be able to tell why all of what we see in this immense universe of [[w:Galaxy|galaxies]] and particles is logically inevitable.
**[[w:Steven Weinberg|Steven Weinberg]], in  [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=nNZXAAAAYAAJ The key to the universe: a report on the new physics], p. 185.

*Symmetry is a vast subject, significant in [[art]] and [[nature]]. [[Mathematics]] lies at its root, and it would be hard to find a better one on which to demonstrate the working of the mathematical [[intellect]].
**[[Hermann Weyl]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=EHRDnU29PO8C&amp;pg=PA269  Mathematics and Culture I], p. 269.

== X ==

*Thus the [[w:Scale (music)|musical scale]] is a convention which circumscribes the area of potentiality and permits construction within those limits in its own particular symmetry.
**[[Iannis Xenakis]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=y6lL3I0vmMwC&amp;pg=PA132 Formalized Music: Thought and Mathematics in Composition], p. 132.

== Y ==

*[[Nature]] seems to take advantage of the simple mathematical representations of the symmetry laws. When one pauses to consider the elegance and the beautiful perfection of the mathematical reasoning involved and contrast it with the complex and far-reaching physical consequences, a deep sense of respect for the power of the symmetry laws never fails to develop.
**[[w:Chen-Ning Yang|Chen-Ning Yang]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=4abygoxLdwQC&amp;pg=PA339 Mathematically Speaking: A Dictionary of Quotations]

*By the late Nineties, we had become a more [[visual]] nation. Big-money taste moved to global standards - new [[architecture]], design and show-off contemporary art. The Sloane domestic [[w:aesthetics|aesthetic]] - symmetry, class symbolism and brown furniture - became as unfashionable as it had been hot in the early Eighties.
**[[w:Peter York|Peter York]], in [http://www.scribd.com/doc/52310114/Great-Marketing-Stories Great Marketing Stories - Scribd]

== Z ==
== Anonymous ==
*Time could not mar the [[perfect]] symmetry of those walls. Moonlight can play odd tricks upon the [[fancy]], and suddenly it seemed to me that [[light]] came from the windows.
**In [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=8ad5Z_BLi90C&amp;pg=PA203 Transcript of Listening Drills], p. 203.

==External links==
{{Wikipedia}}
{{Wiktionary|symmetry}}
[[Category:Themes]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Noddy (TV series)</title>
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'''''[[w:Noddy (TV series)|Noddy]]''''' is a children's television series based on Enid Blyton's children book series, ''Noddy''.

==Dialogue==
===Season 1===
====Episode 1: The Magic Key====
====Episode 2: Monkey Business====
====Episode 5: Tinkle, Twinkle, Little Goblins====
:'''Aunt Agatha''': Yoo-hoo! Behold! I am prepared for our night under the stars.
:'''Kate Tomten''': Sorry, Aunt Agatha, but we're still getting ready.
:'''Aunt Agatha''': Oh, that's going out right, dear. Because I'm ready, ready to have some fun.

====Episode 14: To the Rescue====
:''[Aunt Agatha and Charlene von-Pickings were at the Noddy shop]''
:'''Aunt Agatha''': Well, what do you know? ''[picks up the hat]'' It's on the floor. Oh, yes. Um, with pleasure. ''[places the hat on Charlene's head]'' Don't you just know that these new styles hug you head. It's like giving your hair a great big kiss!
:'''Charlene von-Pickings''': It feels wet.
:'''Aunt Agatha''': Oh. Well, that's the new wet look, you see. I mean, uh, it keeps you coolin'. ''[spots Lurk Goblins on Charlene's hat]'' AAAAH! THERE'S A RODENT ON YOUR HAT!
:'''Charlene von-Pickings''': ''[puzzled]'' A what?!
:'''Aunt Agatha''': A RODENT! ''[Lurk Goblins leaps off Charlene's hat. Aunt Agatha and Charlene scream while running around in fear and Noah opens the door]'' Come back! I have hats without rodents in the back!

====Episode 24: Following Directions====
:''[after a bubble bath fiasco at Johnny Crawfish's fish tank]''
:'''DJ Johnson''': I can't believe you put a bubble bath in the fish tank. Don't you know how bad that is?
:'''Kate Tomten''': I know, I'm sorry. I should have read the label.

====Episode 41: Anything Can Happen at Christmas====
:'''Davy Gladhand''': Oh, smell the freshness! Yes, siree-bob, Captain T. You know how to pick them.
:'''Carl Spiffy''': Very nice. Very nice, indeed. So let's decorate it.
:'''Aunt Agatha''': Oh, oh, oh! Not so fast, Mr. Spiffy. Nobody's decorating this tree until we got it exactly in the right position. Now Noah, could you turn it just a bit to the left, please? ''[Noah spins the tree around]'' No, no, the other way. That's good, good, good, good. Oh, goodness me. Will the work ever end? First we have to finish this free, then we have to put up the outdoor lights, then we have to go the ice sculpture parade, then we...
:'''Noah Tomten''': Agatha!
:'''Aunt Agatha''': What?
:'''Noah Tomten''': I've got customers to wait on.

===Season 2===
====Episode 1: Little Swap of Horrors====
:''[Kate, DJ and Truman walk out the Noddy Shop when they see the new crossing guard Bud Topper appear from the corner of the street]''
:'''DJ Johnson''': ''[sees Bud Topper]'' Who's that?
:'''Kate Tomten''': Oh, that's Bud Topper. He's the new crossing guard.
:'''Truman Tomten''': Maybe he can help us find Planet Pup.
:'''Kate Tomten''': Good idea. Um, Mr. Topper, could you help us find our lost dog?
:'''Bud Topper''': Oh, AWOL canine, huh? ''[takes out his notebook]''

====Episode 2: Dance to Your Own Music====
:''[The toys were enjoying the music just until Aunt Agatha and Bud Topper walk in the store]''
:'''Aunt Agatha''': Oh, how much organization this dance contest needs. First, we have the registration list, then the stage, then the curtain, then I've got to check the sound system, then there's the judging and the prizes, and then there's... I've forgotten something.
:'''Bud Topper''': Hey, what about time for us to practice our dance?
:'''Aunt Agatha''': Oh, pish-posh, Mr. Topper. We've got all day for that. Come on, we've got to fetch the bunting to festoon the dance-stand.

====Episode 19: Slugger ====
:'''Bud Topper''': All right then, young people. What's all this about?
:'''DJ Johnson''': Oh, hi, Mr. Topper. We're just playing baseball.
:'''Bud Topper''': Oh, baseball, huh? Then for that one, DJ, of course, you can't play baseball without an umpire.

====Episode 22: Growing Lies====
:''[Itchy was about to catch Lurk and Snipe Goblin with his jar until he accidentally knocks Little Benny off the counter]''
:'''Noddy''': Oh, no!
:'''Boobull Goblin''': Uh-oh. Itchy's gonna be in trouble.
:'''Truman Tomten''': Itchy, what did you do? You broke it!
:'''Itchy''': It was an accident! I was trying to catch the little people in my jar!

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Aunt Agatha''': ''[walks in the store]'' Yoo-hoo! Looking for another one of your trinkets, big brother?
:'''Noah Tomten''': Well, not exactly, Agatha. Truman said that a person came into the store and walked off with Mr. Gladhand's little toy bear.
:'''Aunt Agatha''': WHAT?! Thievery?! Here?! What were you...
:'''Noah Tomten''': I--
:'''Aunt Agatha''': We must alert the authorities! ''[spots Noah's two customers who are about to walk in the store and drives them out]'' Oh, no! No, no no, no! You can't come in. We're looking at...
:'''Noah Tomten''': Agatha! Agatha, those are my customers!
:'''Aunt Agatha''': You can come back later when we solve this case. Excuse me. Sound the alarm! ''[blows her whistle two times]'' Sound the alarm!
:'''Bud Topper''': All right. Hold it, hold it, Mrs. F. What seems to be the problem here?
:'''Aunt Agatha''': Foul deeds are afoot! There's been a robbery at my brother's store!
:'''Noah Tomten''': Look, let's not panic here. We don't even know what happened.
:'''Davy Gladhand''': Howdy, Captain T, Aggie, Mr. Topper. I just came back to check on Little Benny.
:'''Noah Tomten''': Mr. Gladhand, I got some bad news for you.
:'''Davy Gladhand''': What? Not about Little Benny?
:'''Aunt Agatha''': Little Benny's been STOLEN!!!
:'''Bud Topper and Female Asian Customer''': Stolen!
:'''Aunt Agatha''': Yes!
:'''Davy Gladhand''': No! Not Little Benny!
:'''Aunt Agatha''': Oh, yes he has! We're gonna find him! ''[the five people, minus Noah, begin talking at once while Truman and Itchy hear the commotion from inside the store]''
:'''Aunt Agatha''': ''[blows the whistle three times]'' Come on! Let's not just stand around here doing nothin'! We gotta do something about this!
:'''Bud Topper''': All right, just stick to the facts, Mrs. F. What did the thief look like?
:'''Noah Tomten''': Well, Truman and Itchy said he had beady eyes, glasses, big ears. Oh, yeah. Fangs. ''[chuckles]''
:'''All''': ''[in unison]'' '''FANGS??!!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Davy Gladhand''': ''[takes a piece of rope out of a trash can]'' Uh-huh, look what I found.
:'''Bud Topper''': Oh, let me just have a look-see here, huh? This could be a clue. Looks to me like this rope has been chewed.
:'''Aunt Agatha''': You know, there's only one person who could chew through a rope like that.
:'''Davy Gladhand and Bud Topper''': ''[in unison]'' Who?!
:'''Aunt Agatha''': The Chewer!
:'''Townspeople''': The Chewer?!
:'''Bud Topper''': Oh! Bingo, Mrs. F. I remember hearing about the Chewer when I was a kid.
:'''Davy Gladhand''': Wait! Are you telling me that the Chewer has my Little Benny?!
:'''Aunt Agatha''': Well, what more proof do we need that the Chewer's been here.
:'''Kate Tomten''': ''[arrives]'' Hi, guys. What's going on?
:'''Davy Gladhand''': The Chewer has Little Benny!
:'''Aunt Agatha''': And justice will be done! All right, listen up, everybody! I want some of you to go thattaway, and I want some of you to go thattaway. The rest of you, follow me! We're gonna find the Chewer! ''[the townspeople set off to find the Chewer]''
:'''Noah Tomten''': Wait! Wait! Wait! We don't even know if the bear's been stolen!

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Noah Tomten''': Well, did you find that Chewer fella?
:'''Aunt Agatha''': No, didn't see a trace of him. He's a tricky one, that's for sure.
:'''Noah Tomten''': Now, Agatha, don't you think it's time to call off this silly search altogether?
:'''Aunt Agatha''': No! 
:'''Bud Topper''': ''[notices a piece of paper on the ground]'' Hello, what's this? ''[picks the paper up]'' Scrap of paper.
:'''Davy Gladhand''': Does it say anything about Little Benny?!
:'''Townspeople''': What's it say?! What's it say?!
:'''Bud Topper''': ''[raises his hand to silence the people]'' It says, &quot;Get some granola, vegetables, apples and a pencil.&quot;
:'''Noah Tomten''': Sounds to me like it's somebody's grocery list.
:'''Bud Topper''': Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't. Even everything on this list has got something in common; They're all things... that you CHEW! ''[this shocks Aunt Agatha and the people]''
:'''Aunt Agatha''': Ohh! The Chewer has been here again! I know it!
:'''Davy Gladhand''': Oh, look! Look, the note is dirty. What does that tell you, Chief?
:'''Noah Tomten''': Well, it tells me that it was on the ground and I swept it up.
:'''Aunt Agatha''': Wait a minute. I remember there's a dirty cave filled with bats on the other side of Mount Hiyahoney.
:'''Bud Topper''': Bingo, Mrs. F., again. I wouldn't be surprised if our suspect is hiding out there ''RIGHT NOW'' this very moment!
:'''Aunt Agatha''': That's right.
:'''Bud Topper''': Follow me! ''[the townspeople set off once again]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;100%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Aunt Agatha, Bud Topper, Davy Gladhand and the townspeople return to the Noddy Sho being covered in spider webs]''
:'''Noah Tomten''': ''[notices Aunt Agatha and the townspeople returning]'' So did you find the Chewer in the dirty bat-filled cave on the other side of Mount Hiyahoney?
:'''Aunt Agatha''': No.
:'''Davy Gladhand''': He must have moved.
:'''Aunt Agatha''': But the bats didn't.
:'''Woman in Pink Coat''': So where's the Chewer now?
:'''Bud Topper''': Oh, I don't know. We've looked everywhere, you know, except...
:'''Adults''': ''Where?!''
:'''Bud Topper''': The old forgotten sewer tunnel by the abandoned typewriter factory. ''[Aunt Agatha and the other adults exclaim in disgust as Bud shakes his head]''
:'''Davy Gladhand''': ''[takes out a picture of an airplane]'' What about this picture we found in the cave? It's a picture of an airplane ripped out of an old newspaper, which could suggest the Chewer went to the south sea some time ago and is chewing on some things down there.
:'''Man in Purple Bowler Hat''': Maybe it wasn't the Chewer. Maybe the Bark Men did this.
:'''Adults''': ''[in unison]'' The Bark Men?!
:'''Bud Topper''': I remember hearing about them when I was a kid. Heard a lot of barking.
:'''Davy Gladhand''': I don't remember the Bark Men, but I do remember the flea people.
:'''Townspeople''': ''[in unison]'' The flea people?!
:'''Bud Topper''': No, no, no, no. It couldn't have been the flea people. They just get scared and run away.
:'''Aunt Agatha''': Oh, they do? ''[Aunt Agatha, Bud Topper, Davy Gladhand and the adults get in an argument]''

==Cast==
*[[Wikipedia:Sean McCann (actor)|Sean McCann]] as Noah Tomten
*[[Wikipedia:Katie Boland|Katie Boland]] as Kate Tomten 
*[[Wikipedia:Kyle Kass|Kyle Kassardjian]] as Daniel &quot;DJ&quot; Johnson
*[[Wikipedia:Max Morrow|Max Morrow]] as Truman Tomten
*[[Wikipedia:Jayne Eastwood|Jayne Eastwood]] as Aunt Agatha Flugelschmidt

==External links==
{{Wikipedia}}
* {{IMDb title|0199253|Noddy}}

[[Category:Canadian children's comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Canadian children's fantasy TV shows]]
[[Category:Canadian children's musical TV shows]]
[[Category:Canadian workplace comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Canadian TV shows based on children's books]]
[[Category:Canadian TV shows featuring puppetry]]
[[Category:Canadian TV shows with live action and animation]]
[[Category:UK children's comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:UK children's fantasy TV shows]]
[[Category:UK children's musical TV shows]]
[[Category:UK workplace comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:UK TV shows based on children's books]]
[[Category:UK TV shows featuring puppetry]]
[[Category:UK TV shows with live action and animation]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:BBC shows]]
[[Category:CBC shows]]
[[Category:PBS Kids shows]]
[[Category:Treehouse TV shows]]
[[Category:TVOntario shows]]
[[Category:TV shows about children]]</text>
      <sha1>0dqnwo7iylzsr5q2l77aww3ckwhhgzh</sha1>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Big Fat Liar</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>160720</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153817</id>
      <parentid>3125244</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-12T04:33:58Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>98.148.238.35</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Dialogue */</comment>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="9505" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Big Fat Liar|Big Fat Liar]]''''' is a 2002 American teen [[w:comedy film|comedy film]] about a boy's school essay that becomes stolen by a [[Hollywood]] producer. When he decides to make it into a film, the boy travels to [[Los Angeles]] to claim his credit.

{{center|'''Two friends are about to cut one Hollywood big shot down to size.'''&lt;small&gt;([[#Taglines|taglines]])&lt;/small&gt;}}

==Jason Shepherd==
* ''(screaming at the TV during an interview with Marty Wolf)'' Yeah, ''from my BACKPACK, '''YOU LOSER!!!'''''
* ''See'' it? I think I WROTE it.
* So you admit you stole my story.
* I think we can confirm here we're dealing with THE MEANEST MAN ALIVE!
* The truth, it's ''not'' overrated.

==Kaylee==
* But you are a liar.

==Marty Wolf==
* Grow up Shepherd! This is Hollywood baby. It's a dog-eat-dog town. Worse. We got cats eatin' cats. We got fish munchin' fish. We play by our own rules.
* ''[After picking up his stuffed monkey while dancing to &quot;[[w:Hungry Like the Wolf|Hungry Like the Wolf]]&quot; by [[w:Duran Duran|Duran Duran]].]'' Let's dance, Funnybones!
* ''[After finding out, in his mirror, that his whole body is blue]'' ''[screams in horror]'' &lt;big&gt;&lt;big&gt;'''''OH, MY GO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-OD!!!!!!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;&lt;/big&gt;
* You can take your personal day in a year or two when you're ''DEAD'', you DINOSAUR!!
* You can take it from me, the truth, it's overrated.
* I'm gonna GET YOU, SHEPHERD!!!
* Hey, where do you think you're going? YOU CANNOT TURN YOUR BACKS ON ME! ''I'M MARTY WOLF!!'' All right, fine! FINE! '''YOU'RE ALL FIRED!!!'''
* Let's punch a hole in the sky, Grandpa Go, GO, GOOOOH!!! Let's get a tail wind behind this bird, old-timer.﻿
* It's showtime.

==Franklin &quot;Frank&quot; Jackson==
* I got some R-rated dialogue for you. But I'm a-keep it PG. I'm gonna keep it PG.
*Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Did you just say &quot;Marty Wolf&quot;?
*Know him?! I used to '''drive''' him. He fired me last year.
* Who's the bad actor now, Wolf?! Those tears were ''real!!''

==Others==
* '''Tow truck guy:''' They told me to pick up a little blue car. They didn't say anything about a little blue ''man!''
* '''The Masher:''' ''[repeated line]'' ''OH MY GOD!
* '''Dusty''': I told you, Wolf. The only way to make this picture is to have twelve different camera angles with birds flying around. Oh, and by the by, Confucius say, uh... KA-STANG! You're busted!

==Dialogue==
:'''Jason''': Ms. Caldwell-- Can I call you Phyllis?
:'''Phyllis''': No.
:'''Jason''': Understood. But, as much as I wanted to write my paper, I mean I really really wanted to write my paper I couldn't and it's because I spent all last night in Greenbury General Emergency room. See, my mom made Swedish meatballs for dinner. It'd my dad's favorite and he was so excited he accidently swallowed one whole. It was awful. He started choking, his face turned purple. The meatball was litterly bulging out of his neck. We rushed to the ER. I kept trying to write my paper in the waiting room but it was too hard. I needed to be by my father's side. After all he's the only dad I got.
:'''Phyllis''': You are lying through your teeth, you little demon.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jaleel White''': ''[on the set of Whitaker and Fowl, talking to his co-star, a chicken]'' Listen, Whitaker, I'm not your sister, I'm not your girlfriend, and I'm not your priest. So, if you wanna remain ''my'' partner, I got two words for you, shut the heck up! You talk way too much! OK, can we cut? Can we... cause this, this ain't workin' for me at all. What are you, doing, are you fumigating me or something!
:'''Marty''': Move!
:'''Producer''': Moving.
:'''Marty''': Why did you call &quot;Cut!&quot;? I did not tell you to stop acting, Urkel!
:'''Jaleel''': Wolf, how many times have I told you ''not'' to call me Urkel! My name is ''Jaleel White'', okay? Urkel was a character I played when I was a ''child!''
:'''Marty''': Okay, ''Jaleel!'' What's the problem, huh?
:'''Jaleel''': You want to know the problem? ''You wanna know the problem?'' I'm getting nothing from the chicken, that's the problem. He just sits there with his head all slumped over. I have absolutely no idea what my motivation is!
:'''Marty''': Okay, well you're a police officer named Fowl.
:'''Jaleel''': Mmm-hmmm.
:'''Marty''': Your new partner is a crime fighting chicken named Whitaker. And your motivation is a nice fat pay check that's keeping you from working at the drive-thru window at McDonald's!
:'''Jaleel''': Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa whoa! Watch yourself, Wolf, watch yourself!
:'''Marty''': No, you watch yourself, pal! You're just lucky I'm not making you wear the freaky glasses and suspenders.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Kaylee''': Jas?
:'''Jason'''': I'm at the beach! ''[on the phone]'' Hey, Frank, Mr. Stroog. Meet us at the theater gate in 20.
:'''Kaylee''': Hey. What's with the Cokes?
:'''Jason''': The machine! It's ''rigged!'' THEY'RE FREE, HAHAHA, ''THEY'RE FREE!!''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frank''': Fur coat king of the Midwest, my butt! I got some R-rated dialogue for you, but I'm gonna keep it PG. I'm gonna keep it PG. You owe me $100 for yesterday's ride.
:'''Kaylee''': Well, maybe we--
:'''Frank''': You almost cost me my job.
:'''Jason''': Frank, I'm sorry. I can explain.
:'''Frank''': ''[imitates a car engine stalling]'' Azitatatatatata! Ya hear that?
:'''Jason''': I just--
:'''Frank''': Azitatatatatatata!
:'''Kaylee''': If we could--
:'''Frank''': I don't wanna hear it, okay?
:'''Kaylee''': I know, I just--
:'''Frank''': Azita, azitatatatata!
:'''Jason''': If you just--
:'''Frank''': Azita, azitatatatata!
:'''Kaylee''': I--
:'''Frank''': Azita!
:'''Kaylee''': I--
:'''Frank''': Azita! Azitatatatatatatata!
:'''Jason''': I'm sorry. It's just we came out here to get even with this guy Marty Wolf. Because he... he stole my story...
:'''Frank''': Whoa, whoa, whoa.
:'''Jason''': And he's making it into this big movie.
:'''Frank''': Did you just say &quot;Marty Wolf&quot;?
:'''Jason''': Yeah, you know him?
:'''Frank''': Know him? I used to ''drive'' him. He fired me last year.
:'''Kaylee''': Why?
:'''Frank''': I'm an actor, see? ''[shows his headshot photo]'' Right? And I made the mistake of asking him if I could audition for one of his movies. He could've said &quot;no&quot; and not let me audition, right? But instead, he takes my headshot, writes &quot;loser&quot; across my forehead, and then faxes it every casting director in town.
:'''Kaylee''': You poor thing.
:'''Frank''': If you guys wanna mess with Wolf, I got your back.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Kaylee''': I want to see a broken man people. I mean broken as in 'I hit a baseball through the window' broken. I want you to turn him into mince meat, ''and I don't even know what mince meat is!!'' I want him to cry for his mommy! WAH! WAH! Mommy, Mommy, Mommy! Do you read me? 'Cos ''I'' don't think you read me!
:'''Jason''': I think they read you.
:'''Kaylee''': Fair enough.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Marty''': Let go of the monkey.
:'''Jason''': Call my Dad.
:'''Marty''': Never.
:'''Jason''': Yes!
:'''Marty''': '''''NOOOO!!!''''' Ah! That's it, kid! It's over! You lose, and I win!
:'''Jason''': I don't think so, Wolf.
:'''Marty''': Oh, you don't think so? C'mon, Jason. You're smarter than that. You write a story, I steal it, and now I'm about to start shooting the greatest movie of my career.
:'''Jason Shepherd''': So you admit you stole my story?
:'''Marty''': Look, we've been over this. It's ancient history. Yeah, I stole your story, whoop-de-doodle-do! Ya happy now? '''I STOLE JASON SHEPHERD'S PAPER AND TURNED IT INTO ''BIG FAT LIAR!!!''''' You know who's listening, pal, hmm? No one. And they never will. So for the last time, ''give it up,'' because I will never, ever, ever, like never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, infinity, tell the truth. ''[blows raspberry]''
:'''Jason''': Because the truth's overrated, right?
:'''Marty''': That's ''right!''
:'''Dusty''': And cut!

==Taglines==
* The truth is never overrated.
* Big Fat Liar is an extremely funny comedy, filled with nonstop action and hilarious pranks. 
* Two friends are about to cut one Hollywood big shot down to size.

==Cast==
* [[w:Frankie Muniz|Frankie Muniz]] as Jason Shepherd
* [[w:Paul Giamatti|Paul Giamatti]] as Marty Wolf
* [[w:Amanda Bynes|Amanda Bynes]] as Kaylee
* [[w:Donald Faison|Donald Faison]] as Frank Jackson
* [[w:Russell Hornsby|Russell Hornsby]] as Marcus &quot;Marc&quot; Duncan
* [[w:Amanda Detmer|Amanda Detmer]] as Monty Kirkham
* [[w:Michael Bryan French|Michael Bryan French]] and [[w:Christine Tucci|Christine Tucci]] as Harry and Carol Shepherd
* [[w:Sandra Oh|Sandra Oh]] as Ms. Phyllis Caldwell
* [[w:Alex Breckenridge|Alex Breckenridge]] as Janie Shepherd
* [[w:Rebecca Corry|Rebecca Corry]] as Astrid Barker
* [[w:Jaleel White|Jaleel White]] as Himself
* [[w:Lee Majors|Lee Majors]] as Vince
* [[w:Sean O'Bryan|Sean O'Bryan]] as Leo
* [[w:Amy Hill|Amy Hill]] as Jocelyn Davis
* [[w:John Cho|John Cho]] as Dusty Wong
* [[w:Taran Killam|Taran Killam]] as Bret Callaway
* Jake Minor as Aaron
* Kyle Swann as Brett
* Sparkle as Grandma Pearl
* Chris Ott as Shandra Duncan
* [[w:Kenan Thompson|Kenan Thompson]], [[w:Dustin Diamond|Dustin Diamond]], [[w:Shawn Levy|Shawn Levy]], Corinne Reilly, and Bart Myer as Wolf party guests
* [[w:Brian Turk|Brian Turk]] as The Masher
* [[w:John Gatins|John Gatins]] as George
* Don Yesso as Rocko Malone

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0265298}}

[[Category:2002 films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Teen comedy films]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>South Carolina</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>165894</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153541</id>
      <parentid>3152262</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T13:42:08Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
      <comment>Reverted edit by [[User:2.51.65.112|2.51.65.112]] ([[User talk:2.51.65.112|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/2.51.65.112|contributions]]) to last version by Bridgman</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="59074" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Flag of South Carolina.svg|thumb|South Carolina, come on and raise up! ~ [[w:Petey Pablo|Moses M. Barrett]]]]
[[File:Seal of South Carolina.svg|thumb|The people of South Carolina needs us to come together and be strong. ~ [[w:Nikki Haley|Nimrata Haley]]]]
'''[[w:South Carolina|South Carolina]]''', also known as '''S.C.''', is a [[w:U.S. state|U.S. state]] located on the eastern coastline of the [[United States|United States of America]]. The state is bordered by [[w:North Carolina|North Carolina]] to its north and [[Georgia (U.S. state)|Georgia]] to its south. It was the eighth U.S. state to ratify the [[United States Constitution|U.S. Constitution]], which it did on 23 May 1788. Though it was the first U.S. state to ratify the [[w:Articles of Confederation|Articles of Confederation]], it later became the first U.S. state to declare secession from [[Union (United States)|the Union]], which it did on 20 December 1860. After joining [[w:Confederate States of America|the Confederacy]], [[w:South Carolina in the American Civil War|South Carolina]] fought against the [[United States]] for four years in the [[American Civil War]], before being surrendering to the U.S. in 1865. The state was readmitted back into the [[United States|United States of America]] on 25 June 1868.

[[File:Fall skyline of Columbia SC from Arsenal Hill.jpg|thumb|A state where it's always a great day... The State of South Carolina will always be the place of new beginnings and fresh starts... Thank you, South Carolina. ~ [[Marco Rubio]]]]
[[File:BroadStreetCharleston.jpg|thumb|South Carolina is too small for a republic and too large for an insane asylum. ~ James L. Petigru]]
[[File:CharlestonSC RainbowRow 500px.jpg|thumb|South Carolina, a state filled with evangelicals and active and retired military. ~ John Podhoretz]]
[[File:Charleston-ColumbusSt-port-terminal.jpg|thumb|South Carolina... is more ideologically conservative, with a stronger local party leadership and a tradition of preferring mainstream candidates. ~ Timothy Stanley]]
[[File:Official Photo of SC Governor Nikki Haley.jpg|thumb|We are a strong the and faithful state. We love our state, we love our county, and most importantly we love each other. ~ [[w:Nikki Haley|Nimrata Haley]]]]
[[File:Tim Scott, official portrait, 113th Congress.jpg|thumb|We can and will work every single day to replace hate with love, pain with kindness, and hostility with good will. ~ [[w:Tim Scott|Tim Scott]]]]
[[File:Flag of the United States.svg|thumb|It will be fitting our state will soon fly the flags of our country, of our state, and no other. ~ [[w:Nikki Haley|Nimrata Haley]]]]
[[File:Flag-map of South Carolina.svg|thumb|I have taught in South Carolina and lectured in the state numerous times. I have unfailingly been treated with courtesy and respect. ~ [[w:Eric Foner|Eric Foner]]]]
[[File:Coat of arms of South Carolina (1876).png|thumb|I am actually looking forward to the day when I visit South Carolina... The people have broken free from the shackles of a mythical past. ~ Jimmy Dick]]
[[File:AdoptionOf13thAmendment.jpg|thumb|I congratulate you, my dear friend, on the law of your state for suspending the importation of slaves, and for the glory you have justly acquired by endeavoring to prevent it forever. This abomination must have an end, and there is a superior bench reserved in heaven for those who hasten it. ~ [[Thomas Jefferson]]]]
[[File:Flag of South Carolina (1861).svg|thumb|In 1776, South Carolina delegates to the Continental Congress forced Thomas Jefferson to remove a clause condemning slavery from the Declaration of Independence. In 1787, South Carolinians were primarily responsible for the constitution's fugitive slave clause and provision allowing the importation of slaves from abroad to continue for twenty additional years. Until 1860, a tight-knit coterie of plantation owners controlled the state. ~ [[w:Eric Foner|Eric Foner]]]]
[[File:Fort sumter 1861.jpg|thumb|South Carolina has never really come to terms with its tortured history. ~ [[w:Eric Foner|Eric Foner]]]]
[[File:Articles page1.jpg|thumb|Blacks got federal passports implying that they were citizens... The ''Articles of Confederation'' stated that ''{{'}}the free inhabitants of these states... shall be entitled to all privileges of immunities of free citizens in the several states{{'}}'', Congress voted down South Carolina's proposal to insert the word 'white' into this clause. ~ [[w:Thomas G. West|Thomas G. West]]]]
[[File:Hamburg cartoon.jpg|thumb|They still honor Benjamin Tillman down here, which is very much like honoring a malignant tumor. ~ [[w:Bob Herbert|Bob Herbert]]]]
[[File:South Carolina Declaration and Ordinance of Secession.djvu|thumb|[[w:South Carolina|South Carolina]] went to [[American Civil War|war]], as she said in her [[s:Declaration of the Immediate Causes Which Induce and Justify the Secession of South Carolina from the Federal Union|secession proclamation]], because slavery would not be secure under [[Abraham Lincoln|Lincoln]]. South Carolina ought to know what was the cause for her seceding. ~ [[John S. Mosby|John Singleton Mosby]]]]
[[File:George Peter Alexander Healy - John C. Calhoun - Google Art Project.jpg|thumb|I never know what South Carolina thinks of a measure. I never consult her. ~ [[John C. Calhoun]]]]
__NOTOC__
{{TOCalpha}}

== Quotes ==
:&lt;small&gt;Sorted alphabetically by author or source&lt;/small&gt;
===A===
*If the Republican party with its platform of principles, the main feature of which is the abolition of slavery and, therefore, the destruction of the South, carries the country at the next Presidential election, shall we remain in the Union, or form a separate Confederacy? This is the great, grave issue. It is not who shall be President, it is not which party shall rule -- it is a question of political and social existence.
**[[w:Alfred P. Aldrich|Alfred P. Aldrich]], as quoted in ''Crisis of Fear'', by Steven Channing, pp. 141&amp;ndash;142.

===B===
*In the 1950s, the battle flag was revived not just as a symbol of resistance to federally mandated desegregation. The stars and bars was also a symbol of terror, of the violent intimidation of African Americans who dared assert their rights. The stars and bars promised lynching, police violence against protestors and others, and violence against churches. S.C.'s state flag is a flag of [[slavery]]. But it is also a flag of terrorism. That terror is among other things anti-religious and particularly, anti-Christian. Churches have been bombed &amp; burned for what it symbolizes. Ministers, worshippers, people singing hymns have been attacked time and time again by those who serve it and those who wave it. So here we are again. S.C. may lower the pro-terrorism, proslavery, anti-religious flag to half mast for a day. But they plan to raise it again.
**[[w:Edward E. Baptist|Edward E. Baptist]], [https://archive.is/o/092cr/https://twitter.com/Ed_Baptist ''Twitter''] (18 June 2015), as quoted in [https://archive.is/092cr &quot;Confederate Flag's Place at the South Carolina Statehouse Questioned After Church Shooting&quot;] (18 June 2015), ''Newsweek''.

* South Carolina, come on and raise up! This one's for you! This one's for who? Us, us, us! Yes, sir!
** [[w:Petey Pablo|Moses Mortimer Barrett III]], [http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/peteypablo/raiseupallcitiesremix.html &quot;Raise Up: All Cities Remix&quot;] (2001), ''Diary of a Sinner: 1st Entry'', Jive Records.

* North Carolina, South Carolina, and all my little itty-bitty hick towns.
** [[w:Petey Pablo|Moses Mortimer Barrett III]], [http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/peteypablo/raiseupallcitiesremix.html &quot;Raise Up: All Cities Remix&quot;] (2001), ''Diary of a Sinner: 1st Entry'', Jive Records.

*Whatever is necessary to continue the separation of the races in the schools of South Carolina is going to be done by the white people of the state. That is my ticket as a private citizen. It will be my ticket as governor.
**[[w:James F. Byrnes|James F. Byrnes]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=POhHuoGILNYC&amp;pg=PA51&amp;lpg=PA51&amp;dq=%22the+Democratic+Party+means+that+the+white+man+is+supreme%22&amp;source=bl&amp;ots=iD7nFXAQ_N&amp;sig=PzFIHIdRdwSjckxr9aWXTodgdTg&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0CC4Q6AEwA2oVChMIw8_BmNC0xwIVRnY-Ch0DpQAQ#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false inaugural address] (1951).

===C===
* I never know what South Carolina thinks of a measure. I never consult her. I act to the best of my judgment, and according to my conscience. If she approves, well and good. If she does not, or wishes any one to take my place, I am ready to vacate. We are even.
**[[John C. Calhoun]], reported in Walter J. Miller, &quot;Calhoun as a Lawyer and Statesman&quot;' part 2, ''The Green Bag'' (June 1899), p. 271. Miller states &quot;I will cite his own words&quot;, but this quotation is reported as not verified in Calhoun's writings in ''Respectfully Quoted: A Dictionary of Quotations'' (1989).

*With us the two great divisions of society are not the rich and the poor, but white and black, and all the former, the poor as well as the rich, belong to the upper class, and are respected.
**[[John C. Calhoun]], as quoted in [https://web.archive.org/web/20070123074414/http://www.claremont.org/publications/pubid.667/pub_detail.asp speech in the U.S. Senate] (12 August 1849).

*The issue before the country is the extinction of slavery... No man of common sense, who has observed the progress of events, and is not prepared to surrender [[Slavery|the institution]]... The time for action has come &amp;ndash; now or never... The existence of slavery is at stake.
**[https://books.google.com/books?id=fjiZ9oIhsnsC&amp;pg=PT25&amp;dq=%22Charleston+mercury%22+%22issue+before+the%22&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0CCkQ6AEwAmoVChMIwbjhnKDOxwIVSjg-Ch0b2w3d#v=onepage&amp;q=%22Charleston%20mercury%22%20%22issue%20before%20the%22&amp;f=false ''Charleston Mercury''] (3 November 1860).

*To talk of maintaining our independence while we abolish slavery is simply to talk folly.
**[http://civilwartalk.com/threads/fighting-for-slavery.80951/page-12 ''Courier''] (24 January 1865), Charleston.

*We can trust white men to do right by the inferior race, but we cannot trust the inferior race with power over the white man.
**[https://books.google.com/books?id=vb3Mx7GqAmwC&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;dq=isbn:9780230600621&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0CB4Q6AEwAGoVChMIi92Er-SPxwIVhnQ-Ch3plQCk#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false ''Charleston News and Courier''].

* We, the people of the State of South Carolina, in Convention assembled, grateful to God for our liberties, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the preservation and perpetuation of the same.
** [http://www.scstatehouse.gov/scconstitution/SCConstitution.pdf Preamble to the Constitution of the State of South Carolina] (4 December 1895), [[w:Constitution of South Carolina|Constitution of the State of South Carolina]].

*I am no more a child, but a man; no longer a confederacy, but a nation. I am no more Virginia, New York, Carolina, or Massachusetts, but the United States of America.
**[[George William Curtis]], as quoted in [https://archive.org/details/orationsandaddr03curtgoog &quot;The Good Fight&quot;] (1865).

===D===
*I am actually looking forward to the day when I visit South Carolina. The actions of the people in demanding change that took place on July 10, 2015 have helped transform my perception of that state. The people have broken free from the shackles of a mythical past and the limitations of the racism that has impeded them for far too long. Their representatives acted on the demands of the people.
**Jimmy Dick, [https://cwcrossroads.wordpress.com/2015/07/12/the-hypocrisy-of-connie-chastain-continued/#comments &quot;The Hypocrisy of Connie&quot;] (12 July 2015), ''Crossroads''.

*A Philadelphia writer on this subject, Mr. A. K. McClure, declares that such prejudice was much stronger in his own State, in 1886, than in South Carolina.
**[[Frederick Douglass]], [http://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/document/the-nations-problem/ speech].

===F===
*'''I have taught in South Carolina and lectured in the state numerous times. I have unfailingly been treated with courtesy and respect'''. Roof does not speak for all the white people in the state. '''Nonetheless, South Carolina has never really come to terms with its tortured history'''. Here are a few highlights of the state's extreme pro-slavery, white-supremacist past. In 1776, South Carolina delegates to the Continental Congress forced Thomas Jefferson to remove a clause condemning slavery from the Declaration of Independence. In 1787, South Carolinians were primarily responsible for the constitution's fugitive slave clause and provision allowing the importation of slaves from abroad to continue for twenty additional years. Until 1860, a tight-knit coterie of plantation owners controlled the state; they did not even allow the white citizens to vote in presidential elections, the legislature chose the state's members of the Electoral College. Before the Civil War, South Carolina was one of two states, along with Mississippi, where nearly a majority of white families owned slaves, and had the largest black majority in its population, nearly 60 percent in 1860. This combination produced a unique brand of extremism in defense of slavery. The state was the birthplace of nullification, the first to secede, and the site of the first shot of the Civil War. During Reconstruction, black Carolinians enjoyed a brief moment of civil equality and genuine political power, but this ended with a violent 'Redemption', followed by decades of Jim Crow. More recently, South Carolina led the southern walk-out from the 1948 Democratic National Convention to protest a civil-rights plank in the party's platform, and supported its native son, Strom Thurmond, who ran as the 'Dixiecrat' candidate for president.
**[[w:Eric Foner|Eric Foner]], [http://www.thenation.com/article/210817/historical-roots-dylann-roofs-racism# &quot;The Historical Roots of Dylann Roof's Racism: South Carolina’s warped public display of its white-supremacist history confronts South Carolinians, white and black, with a stark message about who rules the state&quot;] (25 June 2015), ''The Nation''.

===G===
* During the war of the Revolution, and in 1788, the date of the adoption of our national Constitution, there was but one State among the thirteen whose constitution refused the right of suffrage to the negro. That State was South Carolina. Some, it is true, established a property qualification; all made freedom a prerequisite; but none save South Carolina made color a condition of suffrage. The Federal Constitution makes no such distinction, nor did the Articles of Confederation. In the Congress of the Confederation, on the 25th of June, 1778, the fourth article was under discussion. It provided that 'the free inhabitants of each of these States — paupers, vagabonds, and fugitives from justice excepted — shall be entitled to all privileges and immunities of free citizens in the several States.' The delegates from South Carolina moved to insert between the words 'free inhabitants' the word 'white', thus denying the privileges and immunities of citizenship to the colored man. According to the rules of the convention, each State had but one vote. Eleven States voted on the question. One was divided; two voted aye; and eight voted no.&lt;!--Elliot's Debates, Vol. I. p. 90.--&gt; It was thus early, and almost unanimously, decided that ''freedom'', not color, should be the test of citizenship. '''No federal legislation prior to 1812 placed any restriction on the right of suffrage in consequence of the color of the citizen. From 1789 to 1812 Congress passed ten separate laws establishing new Territories. In all these, freedom, and not color, was the basis of suffrage.'''
**[[James A. Garfield]], [https://archive.org/stream/worksjamesabram00garfgoog/worksjamesabram00garfgoog_djvu.txt Oration delivered at Ravenna, Ohio] (4 July 1865).

[[File:Gay Dolphin Gift Cove sign.jpg|thumb|How old did a place like this have to be, in America, to have “gay” in its name? —William Gibson&lt;br&gt;'''image:''' Myrtle Beach, SC]]
* Milgrim considered the dog-headed angels in [[w:Gay Dolphin Gift Cove|Gay Dolphin Gift Cove]]…in the most thoroughgoing trove of roadside American souvenir kitsch he’d ever seen. How old did a place like this have to be, in America, to have “gay” in its name? Some percentage of the stock here, he judged, had been manufactured in Occupied Japan.
** [[William Gibson]], ''[[Zero History]]'', 2010 (a South Carolina native, on Myrtle Beach).

* They were headed inland [from Myrtle Beach] through a landscape that reminded Milgrim of driving somewhere near Los Angeles, to a destination you wouldn’t be particularly anxious to reach. This abundantly laned highway, lapped by the lots of outlet malls, a Home Depot the size of a cruise ship, theme restaurants. Though interstitial detritus still spoke stubbornly of maritime activity and the farming of tobacco. Fables from before the [[w:Californication (word)|Anaheiming]].
** [[William Gibson]], ''[[Zero History]]'', 2010 (South Carolina native).

===H===
*We all woke up today and the heart and soul of South Carolina was broken. And so we have some grieving to do, and we've got some pain we have to go through. Parents are having to explain to the their kids that they have to go to church and feel safe and that's not something that we ever thought we'd would have to deal with. Having said that, we are a strong the and faithful state. We love our state, we love our county, and most importantly we love each other. And I will tell you there is a lot of prayer in this state. And so you are going to see all of us try and lift these nine families up in prayer, because they need us. These nine families need us, the Emmanuel AME church needs us, the AME church family need us, and the people of South Carolina needs us to come together and be strong for what has happened.
**[[w:Nikki Haley|Nimrata Haley]], as quoted in [http://www.mediaite.com/tv/sc-gov-nikki-haley-fights-back-tears-during-emotional-charleston-shooting-speech/ &quot;SC Gov. Nikki Haley Fights Back Tears During Emotional Charleston Shooting Speech&quot;] (18 June 2015), by Alex Griswold, ''Mediaite''.

*We really kind of fixed all that when you elected the first Indian-American female governor, when we appointed the first African-American U.S. senator. That sent a huge message... On matters of race, South Carolina has had a tough history; we all know that. Many of us have seen it in our lives, in the lives of our parents and grandparents. We don't need reminders... For those who wish to respect the flag on private property, no one will stand in your way. But the statehouse is different. The events this past week call on us to look at this in a different way... We are not going to allow this symbol to divide us any longer... The fact that it causes so [much] pain is enough to move it from the capitol grounds. It is, after all, a capitol that belongs to all of us... It will be fitting our state will soon fly the flags of our country, of our state, and no other.
**[[w:Nikki Haley|Nimrata Haley]], as quoted in [http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/the-fix/wp/2015/06/22/the-5-most-important-quotes-from-nikki-haleys-confederate-flag-speech/?tid=pm_politics_pop_b ''The Washington Post''] (22 June 2015).

*Started in Atlanta, then I spread out with it. South Carolina, Alabama, Mississippi. On to North Carolina, Philadelphia, and Virginia. From down in Miami where it's warm in the winter. On up to Minnesota where it storms in the winter.
**[[w:T.I.|Clifford Harris]], [http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/djkhaled/wetakinover.html &quot;We Takin' Over&quot;].

*They still honor [[Benjamin Tillman]] down here, which is very much like honoring a malignant tumor. A statue of Tillman, who was known as 'Pitchfork Ben', is on prominent display outside the statehouse. Tillman served as governor and U.S. senator in the late nineteenth and early twentieth centuries. A mortal enemy of black people, he bragged that he and his followers had disenfranchised 'as many as we could', and he publicly defended the murder of blacks.
**[[w:Bob Herbert|Bob Herbert]], [http://www.nytimes.com/2008/01/22/opinion/22herbert.html?hp &quot;The Blight That is Still With Us&quot;] (22 January 2008), ''The New York Times''.

*The three States of Georgia, Florida and South Carolina, comprising the military department of the south, having deliberately declared themselves no longer under the protection of the United States of America, and having taken up arms against the said United States, it becomes a military necessity to declare them under martial law. This was accordingly done on the 25th day of April, 1862. Slavery and martial law in a free country are altogether incompatible; the persons in these three States — Georgia, Florida, and South Carolina— heretofore held as slaves, are therefore declared forever free.
**[[David Hunter]], [http://www.freedmen.umd.edu/hunter.htm#HUNTER General Order No. 11] (9 May 1862), Department of the South

===J===
* I congratulate you, my dear friend, on the law of your state for suspending the importation of slaves, and for the glory you have justly acquired by endeavoring to prevent it forever. This abomination must have an end, and there is a superior bench reserved in heaven for those who hasten it.
** [[Thomas Jefferson]], [http://alexpeak.com/twr/jefferson/#1784 letter to Edward Rutledge] (14 July 1787)

===K===
*The [[Republican Party (United States)|anti-slavery party]] contend that slavery is wrong in itself, and the Government is a consolidated national democracy. We of the South contend that slavery is right, and that this is a confederate Republic of sovereign States.
**[[w:Laurence M. Keitt|Laurence M. Keitt]], as quoted in &quot;Congressman from South Carolina, in a speech to the House&quot; (25 January 1860), ''The Congressional Globe''.

*The [[Republican Party (United States)|anti-slavery party]] contend that slavery is wrong in itself, and the Government is a consolidated national democracy. We of the South contend that slavery is right, and that this is a confederate Republic of sovereign States.
**[[w:Laurence M. Keitt|Laurence M. Keitt]], as quoted in &quot;Congressman from South Carolina, in a speech to the House&quot; (25 January 1860), ''The Congressional Globe''.

===L===
*It happened on Calhoun Street, in a church that was founded by Denmark Vesey. Just a few miles from the opening salvo of a rebellion intended to establish a slaveholding republic. Just up the road from Columbia, where a Confederate flag still flies on the capitol grounds. A street named after one of the intellectual architects of white supremacy.
**[[w:Kevin Levin|Kevin Levin]], [http://cwmemory.com/2015/06/18/it-happened-on-calhoun-street/ &quot;It Happened on Calhoun Street&quot;] (18 June 2015), ''Civil War Memorial''.

*Controversy surrounding the Confederate flag in Columbia has its roots in the Civil Rights Movement and resistance to integration. When that flag went up atop the state house in the early 1960s the government of South Carolina thereby sanctioned its use by whites throughout the state and beyond as part of their resistance to demands by black Americans for freedom and equal rights. The flag atop the capitol signaled to the rest of the world that South Carolina intended to remain a white man's government in the name of white supremacy.
**[[w:Kevin Levin|Kevin Levin]], [http://cwmemory.com/2015/06/22/nikki-haley-and-lindsey-graham-to-call-for-removal-of-confederate-flag/ &quot;Nikki Haley and Lindsey Graham to Call for Removal of Confederate Flag&quot;] (22 June 2015), ''Civil War Memorial''.

===M===
*I have never doubted what [[Virginia]] would do when the alternatives present themselves to her intelligent and gallant people, to choose between an association with her sisters and the dominion of a people, who have chosen [[Abraham Lincoln|their leader upon the single idea that the African is equal to the Anglo-Saxon, and with the purpose of placing our slaves on equality with ourselves and our friends of every condition]]! and if we of South Carolina have aided in your deliverance from tyranny and degradation, as you suppose, it will only the more assure us that we have performed our duty to ourselves and our sisters in taking the first decided step to preserve an inheritance left us by an ancestry whose spirit would forbid its being tarnished by assassins. '''We, of [[w:South Carolina in the American Civil War|South Carolina]], hope soon to greet you in a Southern Confederacy, where white men shall rule our destinies, and from which we may transmit to our posterity the rights, privileges, and honor left us by our ancestors.'''
**[[w:John McQueen|John McQueen]], [http://web.archive.org/web/20150325131513/http://www.perseus.tufts.edu/hopper/text?doc=Perseus%3Atext%3A2006.05.0178%3Aarticle%3Dpos%3D47 ''Correspondence to T. T. Cropper and J. R. Crenshaw''] (24 December 1860), Washington, D.C., as quoted in [https://web.archive.org/web/20110321183207/http://www.civilwar.org/education/history/civil-war-overview/why-non-slaveholding.html &quot;Why Non-Slaveholding Southeners Fought&quot;] (25 January 2011), by Gordon Rhea, ''Civil War Trust''.

*Upon what principle is it that the slaves shall be computed in the representation? Are they men? Then make them citizens, and let them vote. Are they property? Why, then, is no other property included? The Houses in [[w:Philadelphia|this city]] are worth more than all the wretched slaves which cover the rice swamps of South Carolina.
**[[w:Gouverneur Morris|Gouverneur Morris]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=-WKjBgAAQBAJ&amp;pg=PA87&amp;dq=%22in+defiance+of+the+most+sacred%22&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0CC4Q6AEwA2oVChMIgNjKlvTRxwIVRWw-Ch2KcAwL#v=onepage&amp;q=%22in%20defiance%20of%20the%20most%20sacred%22&amp;f=false Constitutional Convention] (1787).

* [[w:Confederate States of America|The South]] went to [[American Civil War|war]] on account of [[slavery]]. '''[[w:South Carolina in the American Civil War|South Carolina]] went to war, as she said in her [[s:Declaration of the Immediate Causes Which Induce and Justify the Secession of South Carolina from the Federal Union|secession proclamation]], because slavery would not be secure under [[Abraham Lincoln|Lincoln]]. South Carolina ought to know what was the cause for her seceding.'''
** [[John S. Mosby|John Singleton Mosby]], as quoted in [http://web.archive.org/web/20131112054334/https://www.gilderlehrman.org/history-by-era/reconstruction/resources/former-confederate-officer-slavery-and-civil-war-1907 letter to Samuel &quot;Sam&quot; Chapman] (4 June 1907).

===N===
*By the time the Constitutional Convention assembled, 1787, virtually all northern states, Vermont, Massachusetts, Philadelphia, New Hampshire, Rhode Island, Connecticut, were implementing some form of gradual abolition. The lone exception, New York, followed the same path in 1799 after two failed attempts, in 1777 and 1785, were defeated by the state legislature. It was the delegates from the southern states, [[Georgia (U.S. state)|Georgia]] and South Carolina, who pushed for the maintenance of the slave trade in opposition of those from the other states!
**[[w:David Navarro|David Navarro]], [https://cwcrossroads.wordpress.com/2014/08/01/more-of-the-same/#comment-47695 &quot;More of the Same&quot;] (12 July 2015), by D. Navarro, ''Crossroads''.

===O===
* For too long, we were blind to the pain that the Confederate flag stirred in too many of our citizens. It’s true, a flag did not cause these murders. But as people from all walks of life, Republicans and Democrats, now acknowledge, including Governor Haley, whose recent eloquence on the subject is worthy of praise as we all have to acknowledge, the flag has always represented more than just ancestral pride. For many, black and white, that flag was a reminder of systemic oppression and racial subjugation. We see that now. Removing the flag from this state's capitol would not be an act of political correctness; it would not be an insult to the valor of Confederate soldiers. It would simply be an acknowledgment that '''the cause for which they fought, the cause of slavery, was wrong. The imposition of Jim Crow after the Civil War, the resistance to civil rights for all people was wrong'''. It would be one step in an honest accounting of America's history; a modest but meaningful balm for so many unhealed wounds. It would be an expression of the amazing changes that have transformed this state and this country for the better, because of the work of so many people of goodwill, people of all races striving to form a more perfect union. By taking down that flag, we express God's grace.
**[[Barack Obama|Barack H. Obama II]], [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/06/26/remarks-president-eulogy-honorable-reverend-clementa-pinckney Remarks by the President in Eulogy for the Honorable Reverend Clementa Pinckney at College of Charleston] (26 June 2015), by B.H. Obama II, Charleston, South Carolina, U.S.

===P===
*Despite what [[Barack Obama|Obama]] says, racism is not passed along in DNA through the generations. If that were the case, America wouldn't be the tolerant, multi-racial country it is today. Yes, America, like the vast majority of the rest of the world, at one time participated in slavery. While the sin of slavery is not justified, it is important to acknowledge that the sin of slavery isn't a uniquely American sin, but rather one of mankind throughout the course of history. Further, owning slaves is not a sin unique to white people; in fact, black Africans sold other blacks into slavery, and still do today. Slavery is uniquely human, but societies and countries that respect human dignity, like America, have stopped the horrifying practice. America had the dignity to end slavery through a civil war and has since moved forward to correct wrongs with the civil rights movement, affirmative action, legislation, pop culture and much more. Institutional racism is no longer prevalent in the ways the left claims. Obama, elected twice by American voters, is black, as is former Attorney General Eric Holder and current Attorney General Loretta Lynch. There are a number of blacks serving in the U.S. Congress, including Republican Senator Tim Scott and Congresswoman Mia Love, Utah. The likes of Oprah Winfrey and Beyoncé are business and popular culture icons. Look around the world and you'll find that America is the most tolerant and open society on earth. The World Values Survey shows India, not the United States, is in fact the most racist country with a class system. The same survey has shown for years that Americans are among the least racist in the world and therefore are the most tolerant. Do racists exist in this country? Of course they do. Is their racism sanctioned by the government and celebrated by fellow citizens? Absolutely not. In fact, the Charleston shooter, who I refuse to name, told friends he felt isolated and alone in his evil, racist views. That's a silver lining. As a society we have corrected many of the wrongs of slavery and racism, the individuals who have not corrected their racist views are an innumerable minority roundly and strongly condemned by the rest of society. The Charleston shooter’s feelings about race are the exception, not the rule, in this country. This is demonstrated by the response in Charleston of blacks and whites holding hands and coming together, not apart, to honor the memory of those who were killed. America isn't a racist country, not even close, and it certainly isn't a 'white supremacist' society. The left falsely saying so promotes not progress but division. American history includes slavery and racism, but its current status and future as a whole does not. The people who lost loved ones at Emanuel AME Church have forgiven their killer. It's time the left does the same with America for her long past sins.
**[[w:Katie Pavlich|Catherine M. Pavlich]], [http://thehill.com/opinion/katie-pavlich/246440-katie-pavlich-america-is-not-racist &quot;Katie Pavlich: America Is Not Racist&quot;] (29 June 2015), ''The Hill'', News Communications, Inc.

*During the Constitutional Convention of 1787, the pro-slavery members, who eventually became the Democratic Party five years later, argued that slaves should be counted as citizens when considering the number of congressional seats their state would receive. They made this argument even though they had no intentions of giving the slaves the same rights afforded to the white citizens of their states. The anti-slavery members, who eventually became the Republican Party, strongly opposed this racist proposal. To finalize the constitution and not give in totally to the pro-slavery members, they reached a compromise with a three-fifths clause. Under the new clause, the pro-slavery states could only count the slaves three-fifths of a person when determining how many congressional seats their state would receive. Shortly after this matter was settled, Pierce Butler, a representative from the slave state of South Carolina argued that the document should include a Fugitive Slave Clause. Under his proposed recommendation, runaway slaves would be classified as criminals and treated as such. To avoid any further delays in finalizing the constitution, the constitutional convention approved the clause but stated the federal government would not enforce this clause, enforcement would be the responsibility of the individual slave state.
**[[w:Wayne Perryman|Wayne Perryman]], [http://www.amazon.com/Whites-Blacks-Racist-Democrats-Democratic-ebook/dp/B00AZNOJ5Y/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1438984361&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=wayne+perryman+democrats ''Whites, Blacks, and Racist Democrats''] (2009).

*South Carolina is too small for a republic and too large for an insane asylum.
** [[w:James L. Petigru|James Petigru]] (1860), as quoted in [http://www.postandcourier.com/article/20100213/PC1602/302139961/ Too large to be an asylum] (13 February 2010) by Ken Burger, the Charleston ''Post and Courier''.

*South Carolina, a state filled with evangelicals and active and retired military.
**John Podhoretz, [http://nypost.com/2016/02/13/trump-was-out-of-control-in-south-carolina-debate/ &quot;Trump was out of control in South Carolina debate&quot;] (13 February 2016), ''New York Post''.

===R===
*A remedy is needed to meet the evil now existing in most of the southern states, but especially in that one which I have the honor to represent in part, the State of South Carolina. The enormity of the crimes constantly perpetrated there finds no parallel in the history of this republic in her very darkest days. There was a time when the early settlers of New England were compelled to enter the fields, their homes, even the very sanctuary itself, armed to the full extent of their means. While the people were offering their worship to God within those humble walls their voices kept time with the tread of the sentry outside. But, sir, it must be borne in mind that at the time referred to civilization had but just begun its work upon this continent. The surroundings were unpropitious, and as yet the grand capabilities of this fair land lay dormant under the fierce tread of the red man. But as civilization advanced with its steady and resistless sway it drove back those wild cohorts and compelled them to give way to the march of improvement. In course of time superior intelligence made its impress and established its dominion upon this continent. That intelligence, with an influence like that of the sun rising in the east and spreading its broad rays like a garment of light, gave life and gladness to the dark.
**[[Joseph Hayne Rainey]], [https://web.archive.org/web/20150812200855/http://www.law.nyu.edu/sites/default/files/RaineyJ.pdf speech on the the Ku Klux Klan Bill of 1871] (1 April 1871).&lt;!--http://www.nationalblackrepublicans.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=pages.OtherNewsKilledSlavery--&gt;

*It has been asserted on this floor that the Republican Party is answerable for the existing state of affairs in the south. I am here to deny this, and to illustrate, I will say that in the State of South Carolina there is no disturbance of an alarming character in any one of the counties in which the Republicans have a majority. The troubles are usually in those sections in which the Democrats have a predominance in power, and, not content with this, desire to be supreme.
**[[Joseph Hayne Rainey]], [https://web.archive.org/web/20150812200855/http://www.law.nyu.edu/sites/default/files/RaineyJ.pdf speech on the the Ku Klux Klan Bill of 1871] (1 April 1871).&lt;!--http://www.nationalblackrepublicans.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=pages.OtherNewsKilledSlavery--&gt;

*South Carolina and the other states decided not to go before the Supreme Court despite the fact that the Constitution requires them to. The Constitution says 'all cases' and it specifically includes 'controversies between two or more states'. South Carolina's specific complaint on December 24, 1860 was, 'The States of Maine, New Hampshire, Vermont, Massachusetts, Connecticut, Rhode Island, New York, Pennsylvania, Illinois, Indiana, Michigan, Wisconsin and Iowa, have enacted laws which either nullify the Acts of Congress or render useless any attempt to execute them'. Instead of going to the Supreme Court with this complaint, South Carolina chose to declare, on its own, the U.S. Constitution 'has been deliberately broken and disregarded by the non-slaveholding States, and the consequence follows that South Carolina is released from her obligation'. By issuing an ordnance instead of obtaining a judgment, South Carolina produced a meaningless declaration that President Lincoln rightly considered 'legally void'. Between the time of South Carolina’s declaration and the war, Lincoln became President on March 4, 1861 and went about things business as usual, assuming correctly that all states including the seceding states were still part of the union. President Lincoln didn’t have to sue in the Supreme Court to bring the seceding states back because they never left. Secession declared was not secession accomplished. After South Carolina finally took un-ignorable military action against the USA at Ft. Sumter on April 12, 1861, President Lincoln asked Congress to give him authority to undertake a war to put down the rebellion.
**[[w:Michael Rodgers|Michael Rodgers]], [https://cwcrossroads.wordpress.com/chat-room/ &quot;Chat-Room&quot;] (13 February 2014), ''Crossroads''.

*Even South Carolina argued that secession was extra-constitutional. In the declaration, South Carolina does bring up the Tenth Amendment, but not as a justification for secession; instead the Tenth Amendment is offered to buttress the argument that South Carolina was and continued to be an independent sovereign state when it ratified the Constitution and afterwards. South Carolina's rationale for secession was a new 'fundamental principle, namely: the law of compact'. This principle is in neither the Declaration of Independence nor the Constitution. South Carolina on its own, 1, characterized the Constitution as a compact, 2, claimed that it was 'deliberately broken and disregarded by the non-slaveholding States' and 3, declared that 'the consequence follows that South Carolina is released from her obligation'. South Carolina was not claiming to follow the Constitution when it declared secession. On the contrary, South Carolina was claiming that the Constitution was broken and therefore no longer applicable to South Carolina. South Carolina was claiming to follow something else entirely, the law of compact. South Carolina was not appealing to the Supreme Court to interpret secession as part of the Constitution. South Carolina was 'appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world'. And I think we all know how that turned out.
**[[w:Michael Rodgers|Michael Rodgers]], [https://cwcrossroads.wordpress.com/chat-room/ &quot;Chat-Room&quot;] (13 February 2014), ''Crossroads''.

*South Carolinian secessionists believed that the constitution was a contract between the states, that the non-slaveholding states had broken it, and that S.C. could on its own decide that it was broken. The South Carolinian secessionists claimed that the Constitution had not designated an arbiter of controversies among two or more states, but it had. Article III of the Constitution gives the power to arbitrate such disputes to the U.S. Supreme Court. South Carolina's claim of no arbiter is false. South Carolina could have brought its complaints to the U.S. Supreme Court, but it chose not to. South Carolina's belief that the Constitution was a contract between the states was also false. The Constitution begins 'We the people' and it was ratified by the states on behalf of, not in place of, the people. Finally, South Carolina's belief that the non-slaveholding states broke the Constitution is false. The non-slaveholding states were merely exercising their tenth amendment rights to govern their own domestic affairs within the Constitutional structure.
**[[w:Michael Rodgers|Michael Rodgers]], [https://cwcrossroads.wordpress.com/chat-room/ &quot;Chat-Room&quot;] (17 February 2014), ''Crossroads''.

*A state where it's always a great day... The State of South Carolina will always be the place of new beginnings and fresh starts... Thank you, South Carolina. Thank you! God bless you!
**[[Marco Rubio]], [https://www.washingtonpost.com/regional/ speech to supporters in South Carolina] (20 February 2016).

===S===
*I don't like the idea of segregating everyone into smaller districts. Besides, the Justice Department assumes that the only way for African-Americans to have representation is to elect an African-American, and the same for whites. Obviously, my constituents don't think that's true.
**[[w:Tim Scott|Tim Scott]], as quoted in [http://www.nytimes.com/2001/01/19/us/us-sues-charleston-county-sc-alleging-violation-of-black-voting-rights.html &quot;U.S. Sues Charleston County, S.C., Alleging Violation of Black Voting Rights&quot;] (19 January 2001), by David Firestone, ''The New York Times''.

*The horror that occurred at Mother Emanuel last night has truly devastated our community. Emanuel AME means so much to so many, and we stand by them today as they mourn the loss of their leader and brothers and sisters in Christ. Pastor Pinckney was a good man, an honest man and a wonderful representative for his congregation. As reports come to light that a suspect is held in custody, I hope for swift justice for Pastor Pinckney's congregation and the people of Charleston. Today's prayer circle at Morris Brown AME Church will help our community begin to come to terms with what has happened, and start the healing process. While we unfortunately know that hate enters some people's hearts? I also know this, we can and will work every single day to replace hate with love, pain with kindness, and hostility with good will.
**[[w:Tim Scott|Tim Scott]], [http://www.scott.senate.gov/press-release/senator-tim-scott-statement-charleston-tragedy-0 &quot;Senator Tim Scott Statement on Charleston Tragedy&quot;] (18 June 2015), ''United States Senate''.

*Almost nine hundred and ninety nine out of every thousand of the decent people of South Carolina belong to the Democratic Party.
**[[w:Edwin G. Seibels|E.W. Seibels]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=lXEUAAAAYAAJ&amp;pg=PA97&amp;lpg=PA97&amp;dq=%22decent+people+of+south+carolina+belong%22&amp;source=bl&amp;ots=HtERLW3EES&amp;sig=DCTdF_stc69IOTSJy_dttAstq0k&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0CCAQ6AEwAGoVChMI99z9jqyYxwIVTNUeCh06NwQd#v=onepage&amp;q=%22decent%20people%20of%20south%20carolina%20belong%22&amp;f=false testimony to the Joint Select Committee to Inquire Into the Condition of Affairs in the Southern States] (22 June 1871).

*No [[w:South Carolina|South Carolinian]], with the single exception of Calhoun, has ever made a profounder impression on his generation than [[Benjamin Tillman|Tillman]].
**[[w:Francis Butler Simkins|Francis Simkins]], ''Pitchfork Ben Tillman, South Carolinian'' (1967), Louisiana State University Press, OCLC 1877696, p. 546.

*I've watched and read the public reaction to the slaughter of nine people, nine African American people by a white supremacist gunman who warrants the description of a terrorist. As I read that commentary, I wonder how people would react if the gunman was a black male and the victims were white. Make no mistake about it; such a terrorist act is the logical if extreme outcome of white supremacy and intolerance. Apparently, reasons this particular white supremacist gunman, 'if you can't own them, exploit them, or remove them, you kill them'... As one might expect, the gunman’s fondness for Confederate heritage has become a focus of discussion. We’ve had people calling for the banning of Confederate flags as symbols of hate while certain defenders of Confederate heritage, sometimes after offering perfunctory statements of regret, rush to disassociate their cause from this mass murder or to offer other explanations for the gunman’s behavior. That’s to be expected, and it is to be regretted. We’ve had far too much discussion of the Confederate flag, both by people who hate it and people who love it, that trivialize the whole matter by turning it into a screaming match between extremes. Thoughtful commentary flounders in such environments, precisely because both sides will assail it. It's Sunday. If you haven’t already done so, think about the victims and their families and friends. Pray for those who have suffered. And think before you respond … because if you think that this whole matter can be reduced to whether we should allow the display of the Confederate flag, you really aren’t advancing the discussion very far.
**[[Brooks D. Simpson]], [https://cwcrossroads.wordpress.com/2015/06/21/charleston-white-supremacy-black-lives-and-red-blood/ &quot;Charleston: White Supremacy, Black Lives, and Red Blood&quot;] (21 June 2015), ''Crossroads''

*I think it's time for all this discussion about the proper display of the Confederate flag, which in some quarters appears to obscure the enormity of the massacre at Charleston, to get to the heart of the matter. You tell me. Should the Confederate battle flag, including its versions as the Army of Northern Virginia flag, the Army of Tennessee flag, and the Confederate navy jack, be flown outside, period? Do you favor the removal of the Confederate flag flying on the grounds of the South Carolina State House? Why? If you believe that the flying of the Confederate battle flag on the grounds of the South Carolina State House should cease, are there any conditions when a Confederate battle flag should appear outside? Should the Confederate battle flag be banned from public display elsewhere? T-shirts, bumper stickers, headgear? Are your restrictions limited to the Confederate battle flag alone, or do they extend to other flags flown by the Confederacy, such as the trio of national flags?
**[[Brooks D. Simpson]], [https://cwcrossroads.wordpress.com/2015/06/21/simple-questions/ &quot;Simple Questions&quot;] (21 June 2015), ''Crossroads''

*It certainly looks like the days of the Confederate battle flag flying on the grounds of the state house in Columbia, South Carolina are numbered. This is in large part due to prominent South Carolina political leaders changing positions under pressure given the recent mass murder in the state. No one can deny that. The arguments concerning the display of that particular flag are neither more nor less valid than before. Nor will the flag’s removal silence white supremacists and Confederate heritage advocates (especially those who have freely associated with white supremacists)... So, what's next? Will this debate subside or continue, as people look to other uses of Confederate icons and symbols? Is this simply about a flag that is as much a symbol of resistance to civil rights and equality as it was a symbol for soldiers whose performance on the battlefield might have secured the independence of a republic founded upon the cornerstone of white supremacy and inequality? One thing is clear: it has not been a good ten days for Confederate heritage advocates. Between licence plates, several SCV divisions rebuking other Confederate heritage groups for outrageous and childish behavior, and the fallout from Charleston, it may be that in 2015 people marked the 150th anniversary of the end of the Civil War by doing to Confederate heritage what Grant and Sherman did to the Confederacy itself in 1865.
**[[Brooks D. Simpson]], [https://cwcrossroads.wordpress.com/2015/06/22/down-it-comes-now-what/ &quot;Down it Comes: Now What?&quot;] (22 June 2015), ''Crossroads''

*Anti-slavery is essentially infidel. It wars upon the Bible, on the Church of Christ, on the truth of God, on the souls of men.
**[https://web.archive.org/web/20110321183207/http://www.civilwar.org/education/history/civil-war-overview/why-non-slaveholding.html Southern Presbyterian of S.C.]

*South Carolina... is more ideologically conservative, with a stronger local party leadership and a tradition of preferring mainstream candidates.
**Timothy Stanley, [http://www.edition.cnn.com/2016/02/10/opinions/donald-trump-republican-party-stanley/index.html &quot;Donald Trump can win &amp;ndash; and he must be stopped&quot;] (10 February 2016), ''CNN'', Georgia: Cable News Network.

*Slaves shall be deemed, taken, reputed, and adjudged to be chattels personal in the hands of their masters, and possessions to all intents and purposes whatsoever.
**State of South Carolina, as quoted in [http://www.libertarianism.org/publications/essays/human-being-cannot-be-justly-owned &quot;A Human Being Cannot Be Justly Owned&quot;] (1835), by [[William Ellery Channing]].

*It has been suggested that [[James Buchanan|the President]] intentionally left those forts in a defenseless condition, that [[w:South Carolina|South Carolina]] might seize them before his successor had time to take means for their safety. I cannot believe it; I will not believe it, for it would make [[James Buchanan|Mr. Buchanan]] a more odious traitor than Benedict Arnold. Every drop of blood that shall be shed in the conflict would sit heavy on his soul forever.
**[[Thaddeus Stevens]], as quoted in [http://civilwartalk.com/threads/thad-stevens-had-a-way-with-words.119379/ ''Selected Papers of Thaddeus Stevens'']

* The Senator from South Carolina has read many books of chivalry, and believes himself a chivalrous knight, with sentiments of honor and courage. Of course he has chosen a mistress to whom he has made his vows, and who, though ugly to others, is always lovely to him; though polluted in the sight of the world, is chaste in his sight I mean the harlot, Slavery. For her, his tongue is always profuse in words.
**[[Charles Sumner]], &quot;[[wikisource:The Crime against Kansas|The Crime against Kansas]],&quot; speech in the Senate (18 May 1856). The claims made against Senator [[w:Andrew Butler|Andrew Butler]] of [[w:South Carolina|South Carolina]] so angered Butler's cousin, Representative [[w:Preston Brooks|Preston Brooks]], that Brooks assaulted Sumner with a cane in the Senate chamber a few weeks later.

===T===
*Tillman was from South Carolina, and as I hear the story he was concerned that the corporations, Republican corporations, were favorable toward blacks and he felt that there was a need to regulate them.
**[[Clarence Thomas]], as quoted in [http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/04/us/politics/04scotus.html?hp&amp;_r=0 ''Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission''] (February 2010).

*Now we have these hate groups and the symbols they use to remind African-Americans that things haven't changed and that they are still viewed as less than equal human beings. Well, let me tell you things have changed. Overwhelmingly, people are not being raised to hate or to believe they are superior to others based on the color of their skin.
**[[w:Paul Thurmond|Paul Thurmond]], [https://web.archive.org/web/20150624021234/http://www.postandcourier.com/article/20150623/PC16/150629748 speech to the South Carolina General Assembly] (23 June 2015).

*For the life of me, I will never understand how anyone could fight a civil war based in part on the desire to continue the practice of slavery. Think about it for just a second. Our ancestors were literally fighting to continue to keep human beings as slaves, and continue the unimaginable acts that occur when someone is held against their will. I am not proud of that heritage.
**[[w:Paul Thurmond|Paul Thurmond]], [https://web.archive.org/web/20150624021234/http://www.postandcourier.com/article/20150623/PC16/150629748 speech to the South Carolina General Assembly] (23 June 2015).

*The whites have absolute control of the State government, and we intend at any and all hazards to retain it.
**[[Benjamin Tillman]], as quoted in ''Pitchfork Ben Tillman, South Carolinian'' (1967), by Francis Butler Simkins. Louisiana State University Press. OCLC 1877696, p. 144.

*We deny, without regard to color, that 'all men are created equal'; it is not true now, and was not true when Jefferson wrote it.
**[[Benjamin Tillman]], as quoted in ''Pitchfork Ben Tillman, South Carolinian'' (1967), by Francis Butler Simkins. Louisiana State University Press. OCLC 1877696, p. 144.

*How did [[w:Democratic Party (United States)|we]] recover [[w:Democratic Party (United States)|our]] liberty? By fraud and violence. We tried to overcome the thirty thousand majority by honest methods, which was a mathematical impossibility. After we had borne these indignities for eight years life became worthless under such conditions.
**[[Benjamin Tillman]], as quoted in &quot;The Question of Race in the South Carolina Constitutional Convention of 1895&quot; (July 1952), by George B. Tindall. ''The Journal of Negro History'' 37 (3): 277–303. JSTOR 2715494., p. 94.

*We of the South have never recognized the right of the negro to govern white men, and we never will. We have never believed him to be the equal of the white man, and we will not submit to his gratifying his lust on our wives and daughters without lynching him.
**[[Benjamin Tillman]], [http://www.charlesmphipps.net/the-real-lynching-party/ speech to the United States Senate].

*The action of [[Theodore Roosevelt|President Roosevelt]] in entertaining [[Booker T. Washington|that nigger]] will necessitate [[w:Democratic Party (United States)|our]] killing a thousand niggers in the South before they learn their place again.
**[[Benjamin Tillman]], regarding [[w:Booker T. Washington|Booker T. Washington]]'s meeting with [[Theodore Roosevelt]], as quoted in [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:BookSources/0807825301 ''Ben Tillman and the Reconstruction of White Supremacy''] (2000), by Stephen Kantrowitz. University of North Carolina Press, p. 259.

*Republicanism means Negro equality, while the Democratic Party means that the white man is supreme. That is why we Southerners are all Democrats.
**[[Benjamin Tillman]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=POhHuoGILNYC&amp;pg=PA51&amp;lpg=PA51&amp;dq=%22the+Democratic+Party+means+that+the+white+man+is+supreme%22&amp;source=bl&amp;ots=iD7nFXAQ_N&amp;sig=PzFIHIdRdwSjckxr9aWXTodgdTg&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0CC4Q6AEwA2oVChMIw8_BmNC0xwIVRnY-Ch0DpQAQ#v=onepage&amp;q=%22the%20Democratic%20Party%20means%20that%20the%20white%20man%20is%20supreme%22&amp;f=false speech] (1906).

*History has no record of Negro rule. The situation is grave, and calls for wisdom and all manner of statesmanship. If we had our say, the Negro could never vote. I believe that God made the white man out of better clay than that which the Negro was made from.
**[[Benjamin Tillman]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=POhHuoGILNYC&amp;pg=PA51&amp;lpg=PA51&amp;dq=%22the+Democratic+Party+means+that+the+white+man+is+supreme%22&amp;source=bl&amp;ots=iD7nFXAQ_N&amp;sig=PzFIHIdRdwSjckxr9aWXTodgdTg&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0CC4Q6AEwA2oVChMIw8_BmNC0xwIVRnY-Ch0DpQAQ#v=onepage&amp;q=%22the%20Democratic%20Party%20means%20that%20the%20white%20man%20is%20supreme%22&amp;f=false speech] (1906).

*We don't need another race to help us at this time. In some of the states, the Negro holds the vote of control.
**[[Benjamin Tillman]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=POhHuoGILNYC&amp;pg=PA51&amp;lpg=PA51&amp;dq=%22the+Democratic+Party+means+that+the+white+man+is+supreme%22&amp;source=bl&amp;ots=iD7nFXAQ_N&amp;sig=PzFIHIdRdwSjckxr9aWXTodgdTg&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0CC4Q6AEwA2oVChMIw8_BmNC0xwIVRnY-Ch0DpQAQ#v=onepage&amp;q=%22the%20Democratic%20Party%20means%20that%20the%20white%20man%20is%20supreme%22&amp;f=false speech] (1906).

*Look down that aisle, there's a nigger as black as the ace of spades!
**[[Benjamin Tillman]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=POhHuoGILNYC&amp;pg=PA51&amp;lpg=PA51&amp;dq=%22the+Democratic+Party+means+that+the+white+man+is+supreme%22&amp;source=bl&amp;ots=iD7nFXAQ_N&amp;sig=PzFIHIdRdwSjckxr9aWXTodgdTg&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0CC4Q6AEwA2oVChMIw8_BmNC0xwIVRnY-Ch0DpQAQ#v=onepage&amp;q=%22the%20Democratic%20Party%20means%20that%20the%20white%20man%20is%20supreme%22&amp;f=false speech] (1906).

*We reorganized the Democratic Party with one plank and only one plank, namely, that this is a white man's country and the white men must govern it.
**[[Benjamin Tillman]], in 1909, as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=1mwy-XB6bs8C&amp;pg=PA27&amp;lpg=PA27&amp;dq=%22We+reorganized+the+Democratic+Party+with+one+plank+and+only+one+plank%22&amp;source=bl&amp;ots=z38s4iS5Oi&amp;sig=-bHC9bf27SsAB3u_mTeTVENP1vs&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0CCgQ6AEwAmoVChMI28L2gZqPxwIVgTI-Ch1lWgai#v=onepage&amp;q=%22We%20reorganized%20the%20Democratic%20Party%20with%20one%20plank%20and%20only%20one%20plank%22&amp;f=false ''Voices of Civil War America: Contemporary Accounts of Daily Life''], by Lawrence Kreiser and Ray B. Browne, p. 27.
===W===
*The citizenship status of blacks was never quite clear. Obviously, they were not quite resident aliens, for they had no country but the United States. The federal government generally avoided taking a stand on black citizenship when the subject arose. A few blacks got federal passports implying that they were citizens... The ''Articles of Confederation'' stated that 'the free inhabitants of these states... shall be entitled to all privileges of immunities of free citizens in the several states', and '''Congress voted down South Carolina's proposal to insert the word 'white' into this clause'''. Chief Justice Taney, in the infamous 1857 ''Dred Scott'' decision, asserted that blacks had never been, and could never be, citizens of the United States. '''He was wrong'''.
**[[w:Thomas G. West|Thomas G. West]], as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=DjlpSl-x1gMC&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;dq=vindicating+the+founders&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0CC8Q6AEwAGoVChMI0Jf4v8jRxwIVAXo-Ch1tYgf2#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false ''Vindicating the Founders''] (2001), Maryland, p. 27.

* The triumphs of Christianity rest this very hour upon slavery; and slavery depends on the triumphs of the south... This war is the servant of slavery.
**[[w:John T. Wightman|John Wightman]], [http://civilwartalk.com/threads/fighting-for-slavery.80951/page-6 ''The Glory of God, the Defence of the South''] (1861), Yorkville, South Carolina.

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}{{Wikivoyage}}

[[Category:States of the United States]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Black</title>
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        <ip>110.23.56.13</ip>
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      <text bytes="2039" xml:space="preserve">&lt;small&gt;This article is about the color “black”. For the race, see [[Black people]]. For other uses, see [[Black (disambiguation)]].&lt;/small&gt;

[[File:Black colour.jpg|thumb|I [[look]] inside [[myself]] and see my [[heart]] is black&lt;br&gt;I see my [[red]] [[door]], I must have it [[painted]] black&lt;br&gt;Maybe then I'll fade away and not have to face the [[facts]]&lt;br&gt;It's not easy facing up, when your whole [[world]] is black ~ [[Mick Jagger]] and [[Keith Richards]]]]

'''{{w|Black}}''' is the [[darkest]] [[color]], the result of the absence or complete [[w:Absorption (electromagnetic radiation)|absorption]] of [[w:visible spectrum|visible]] [[light]]. It is an achromatic color, a color without {{w|hue}}, like {{w|gray}} and {{w|white}}.

{{Theme-stub}}

==Quotes==
* The [[smith]] and his [[penny]] both are black.
** [[George Herbert]], ''Jacula Prudentum'' (1651).

* I [[see]] a [[red]] [[door]] and I [[want]] it [[painted]] black&lt;br&gt;No colors anymore, I want them to turn black&lt;br&gt;I see the [[girls]] walk by [[dressed]] in their [[summer]] [[clothes]]&lt;br&gt;I have to turn my [[head]] until my [[darkness]] goes&lt;br&gt; &lt;br&gt;I see a line of [[cars]] and they're all painted black&lt;br&gt;With [[flowers]] and my [[love]], both [[never]] to come back&lt;br&gt;I see [[people]] turn their heads and quickly look away&lt;br&gt;Like a new [[born]] [[baby]], it just happens every [[day]]&lt;br&gt; &lt;br&gt;I look inside [[myself]] and see my [[heart]] is black&lt;br&gt;I see my red door, I must have it painted black&lt;br&gt;Maybe then I'll fade away and not have to face the [[facts]]&lt;br&gt;It's not easy facing up, when your whole [[world]] is black
** [[Mick Jagger]] and [[Keith Richards]], ''{{w|Paint It Black}}'', 7 May 1966

* Black as holes within a [[memory]]
** [[Maynard James Keenan]], ''[[Tool (band)#&quot;Third Eye&quot;|Third Eye]]'', ''[[Ænima]]'' (1996).

==See also==
* [[Depression]]
* [[Night]]
* [[Obscurity]]
* [[Shadows]]
* [[Silver (color)]]

==External links==
*{{wikipedia-inline}}
*{{commons category-inline}}
*{{Wiktionary-inline|black}}

[[Category:Colours]]</text>
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      <text bytes="2045" xml:space="preserve">&lt;small&gt;This article is about the color “black”. For the race, see [[Black people]]. For other uses, see [[Black (disambiguation)]].&lt;/small&gt;

[[File:Black colour.jpg|thumb|I [[look]] inside [[myself]] and see my [[heart]] is black&lt;br&gt;I see my [[red]] [[door]], I must have it [[painted]] black&lt;br&gt;Maybe then I'll fade away and not have to face the [[facts]]&lt;br&gt;It's not easy facing up, when your whole [[world]] is black ~ [[Mick Jagger]] and [[Keith Richards]]]]

'''{{w|Black}}''' is the [[darkest]] [[color]], it is the result of the absence or complete [[w:Absorption (electromagnetic radiation)|absorption]] of [[w:visible spectrum|visible]] [[light]]. It is an achromatic color, a color without {{w|hue}}, like {{w|gray}} and {{w|white}}.

{{Theme-stub}}

==Quotes==
* The [[smith]] and his [[penny]] both are black.
** [[George Herbert]], ''Jacula Prudentum'' (1651).

* I [[see]] a [[red]] [[door]] and I [[want]] it [[painted]] black&lt;br&gt;No colors anymore, I want them to turn black&lt;br&gt;I see the [[girls]] walk by [[dressed]] in their [[summer]] [[clothes]]&lt;br&gt;I have to turn my [[head]] until my [[darkness]] goes&lt;br&gt; &lt;br&gt;I see a line of [[cars]] and they're all painted black&lt;br&gt;With [[flowers]] and my [[love]], both [[never]] to come back&lt;br&gt;I see [[people]] turn their heads and quickly look away&lt;br&gt;Like a new [[born]] [[baby]], it just happens every [[day]]&lt;br&gt; &lt;br&gt;I look inside [[myself]] and see my [[heart]] is black&lt;br&gt;I see my red door, I must have it painted black&lt;br&gt;Maybe then I'll fade away and not have to face the [[facts]]&lt;br&gt;It's not easy facing up, when your whole [[world]] is black
** [[Mick Jagger]] and [[Keith Richards]], ''{{w|Paint It Black}}'', 7 May 1966

* Black as holes within a [[memory]]
** [[Maynard James Keenan]], ''[[Tool (band)#&quot;Third Eye&quot;|Third Eye]]'', ''[[Ænima]]'' (1996).

==See also==
* [[Depression]]
* [[Night]]
* [[Obscurity]]
* [[Shadows]]
* [[Silver (color)]]

==External links==
*{{wikipedia-inline}}
*{{commons category-inline}}
*{{Wiktionary-inline|black}}

[[Category:Colours]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Mexico</title>
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      <minor />
      <comment>Reverted edit by [[User:2.51.65.112|2.51.65.112]] ([[User talk:2.51.65.112|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/2.51.65.112|contributions]]) to last version by WeNotMeC020</comment>
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      <text bytes="36040" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Flag of Mexico.svg|thumb|Flag of Mexico]]
[[File:Himno Nacional Mexicano instrumental.ogg|thumb|Anthem of Mexico]]
[[File:Second Mexican Empire (orthographic projection).svg|thumb|location of the Second Mexican Empire]]
[[File:Seal of the Government of Mexico.svg|thumb|You boys like Mexico? ~ [[Super Troopers|MacIntyre Womack]]]]
[[File:Mexico Flag Map.svg|thumb|In Mexico they'll probably let you go, but they'll beat you up and steal everything you've got first. ~ [[w:Hector Vázquez|Hector Vázquez]]]]
[[File:MexCity-palacio.jpg|thumb|The next Augustan age will dawn on the other side of the Atlantic. There will, perhaps, be a Thucydides at Boston, a Xenophon at New York, and, in time, a Virgil at Mexico. ~ [[Horace Walpole]]]]
[[File:Catrinas 2.jpg|thumb|Deaths remain at very, very high levels in Mexico. They haven't really dropped. The only thing that has changed is that the press doesn't talk so much about the numbers. ~ [[w:Anabel Hernandez|Anabel Hernandez]]]]
[[File:Castillo de chapultepcec.jpeg|thumb|Mexico is not a functioning democracy. ~ John M. Ackerman]]
[[File:Mexico City Zocalo Cathedral.jpg|thumb|The border meant freedom, a new life, romance. And that's why I thought I should go. And start my life over on the seashores of old Mexico. ~ [[w:George Strait|George Strait]]]]
[[File:Fuerza del Estado Michoacán.jpg|thumb|The fate of Mexico... is eternal war. ~ [[William Tecumseh Sherman]]]]

[[File:CrowdedgravesDoloresDF.JPG|thumb|The Mexicans are a different cup of tea. They have a heritage. At the present time they steal, they're dishonest, but they do have some concept of family life. They don't live like a bunch of dogs. ~ [[Richard Nixon]]]]
[[File:Border USA Mexico.jpg|thumb|Poor Mexico, so far from [[God]] and so close to the [[United States]]! ~ [[Porfirio Díaz|José de la Cruz Porfirio Díaz Mori]]]]
'''[[w:Mexico|Mexico]]''' (Spanish: ''México''), also known as the '''United Mexican States''' ('''UMS'''; [[w:Spanish language|Castilian]]: ''Estados Unidos Mexicanos''), is a [[Countries|country]] located on the continent of [[North America]], to the south of the [[United States]]. It is the largest [[Spanish language|Castilian]]-speaking country in the world.
__NOTOC__
{{TOCalpha}}

==Quotes==
===A===
*Mexico is not a functioning [[democracy]]. The United States is working under the false premise that Mexico is a functioning democracy, one where federal authorities are doing their best to strengthen public institutions and uproot rampant [[organized crime]] and [[corruption]]. It is thought that crime and corruption stem principally from broken local institutions and social decay. But we need to turn this logic on its head. The real problem is at the top, not the bottom, of the Mexican political system. And the key obstacles reside within the Mexican federal government.
**John M. Ackerman, [https://web.archive.org/web/20160224085116/https://foreignpolicy.com/2016/02/23/obama-pena-nieto-mexico-corruption/ &quot;Mexico Is Not a Functioning Democracy&quot;] (23 February 2016), ''Foreign Policy''

*Whereas, by the act of the Republic of Mexico, a state of war exists between that Government and the United States...
**[http://web.archive.org/web/20060810061201/https://fas.org/sgp/crs/natsec/RL31133.pdf An Act providing for the Prosecution of the existing War between the United States and the Republic of Mexico] (1846).

*[F]ractious country, where corruption, a fledgling rule of law and economic struggles have alienated many from political engagement.
**Azam Ahmed, [https://www.nytimes.com/2017/01/25/world/americas/trump-mexico-border-wall.html?ribbon-ad-idx=5&amp;rref=homepage &quot;As Trump Orders Wall, Mexico’s President Considers Canceling U.S. Trip&quot;] (25 January 2017), ''The New York Times''

*'''Don Collier''': Hey, you want to talk Mexican? Join another tank, a Mexican tank. 
**''[[Fury (2014 film)|Fury]]'' (2014), written by [[w:David Ayer|David Ayer]]

===B===
*I did not know that Mexico had abolished [[slavery]] and that this was a key reason for the war for [[Texas]] independence.
**[[w:Bruce Bartlett|Bruce Bartlett]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=vb3Mx7GqAmwC&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;dq=isbn:9780230600621&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ved=0CB4Q6AEwAGoVChMIi92Er-SPxwIVhnQ-Ch3plQCk#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false ''Wrong on Race: The Democratic Party's Buried Past''] (2008), p. x

*[[Mexicans]], at the cry of [[war]]! Make ready the steel and the bridle, and may the [[Earth]] tremble at its centers at the resounding roar of the cannon.
**[[w:Francisco González Bocanegra|Francisco González Bocanegra]], ''[[w:Mexican National Anthem|Mexican National Anthem]]'' (1854)

*The history of Mexican-American relations has had its troubled moments, but today our peoples enrich each other in trade and culture and family ties... I've often said that family values don't stop at the [[w:Rio Grande|Rio Grande]].
** [[George W. Bush]], [https://web.archive.org/web/20010507184032/http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2001/05/20010505-1.html radio address] (5 May 2001)

===C===
*The routine that I have is simple. Guns, wine, women and estates, and fast cars. I woke up today in [[w:Guadalajara|Guadalajara]], another day in [[w:Culiacán|Culiacán]].
**[[w:Ariel Camacho|Ariel Camacho]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lha5igh1mxM &quot;Dos Jovenes Muchachos&quot;] (2013)

*We're all tying ourselves in knots about what [[Donald Trump]] said about Mexicans... Just as [[Dylann Roof]] doesn't represent [[white people]], Mexican rapists don't represent anyone other than themselves either... The great wave of [[immigration]] from Latin America is over... Birth rates are plunging throughout our hemisphere. Between 1970 and 2005, Mexico was the source for roughly two-thirds of the million or so immigrants who entered the United States yearly. When this huge migration began, Mexico’s birthrate was 6.72 children per woman. It has since fallen to 2.1, and it continues to decline... Since 2005 net migration from Mexico has been zero... We've been lucky that [[United States|our]] [[w:Mexico|neighbors to the south]] roughly share our religion and civilization, unlike the Muslim immigrants who've flooded [[Europe]].
**[[w:Mona Charen|Mona Charen]], [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/420974/donald-trump-immigration-controversy-helps-democrats &quot;The Trump Sideshow Plays Right into Democrats’ Hands&quot;] (10 July 2015), ''National Review''

*The site of several advanced [[Indigenous peoples|Amerindian]] civilizations - including the [[w:Olmec|Olmec]], [[w:Toltec|Toltec]], [[w:Teotihuacan|Teotihuacan]], [[w:Zapotec|Zapotec]], [[w:Maya|Maya]], and [[w:Aztec|Aztec]] - Mexico was conquered and colonized by Spain in the early 16th century. Administered as the [[w:Viceroyalty of New Spain|Viceroyalty of New Spain]] for three centuries, it achieved independence early in the 19th century. Elections held in 2000 marked the first time since the 1910 [[w:Mexican Revolution|Mexican Revolution]] that an opposition candidate - [[w:Vicente Fox|Vicente FOX]] of the [[w:National Action Party|National Action Party]] (PAN) - defeated the party in government, the Institutional Revolutionary Party (PRI). He was succeeded in 2006 by another PAN candidate [[w:Felipe Calderon|Felipe CALDERON]], but [[Enrique Peña Nieto|Enrique PENA NIETO]] regained the presidency for the PRI in 2012. The [[Financial crisis of 2007–08|global financial crisis in late 2008]] caused a massive [[Recession|economic downturn]] in Mexico the following year, although growth returned quickly in 2010. Ongoing economic and social concerns include low real wages, high underemployment, [[Economic inequality|inequitable income distribution]], and few advancement opportunities for the largely indigenous population in the impoverished southern states. Since 2007, Mexico's powerful drug-trafficking organizations have engaged in bloody feuding, resulting in tens of thousands of drug-related homicides.
**[https://www.cia.gov/library/publications/the-world-factbook/geos/mx.html ''2017 CIA World Factbook'']

*The Mexican nation is an indivisible one.
**[http://www.juridicas.unam.mx/infjur/leg/constmex/pdf/consting.pdf ''Constitution of the United Mexican States''] (1917), Article II

===D===
*Poor Mexico, so far from [[God]] and so close to the [[United States]]!
**[[Porfirio Díaz|José de la Cruz Porfirio Díaz Mori]], as quoted in [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:BookSources/0312340044 ''The Quote Verifier: Who Said What, Where, and When''] (2006), by Ralph Keyes, New York City: St. Martin's Griffin, p. 387

*Charge of inferiority is an old dodge. It has been made available for oppression on many occasions. It is only about six centuries since the blue-eyed and fair-haired [[Anglo-Saxons|Anglo Saxons]] were considered inferior by the haughty Normans, who once trampled upon them. If you read the history of the [[w:Norman Conquest|Norman Conquest]], you will find that this proud Anglo-Saxon was once looked upon as of coarser clay than his Norman master, and might be found in the highways and byways of Old [[England]] laboring with a brass collar on his neck, and the name of his master marked upon it were down then! You are up now. I am glad you are up, and I want you to be glad to help us up also... The story of our inferiority is an old dodge, as I have said; for wherever men oppress their fellows, wherever they enslave them, they will endeavor to find the needed apology for such enslavement and oppression in the character of the people oppressed and enslaved. When we wanted, a few years ago, a slice of Mexico, it was hinted that the Mexicans were an inferior race, that the old Castilian blood had become so weak that it would scarcely run down hill, and that Mexico needed the long, strong and beneficent arm of the Anglo-Saxon care extended over it. We said that it was necessary to its salvation, and a part of the “manifest destiny” of this Republic, to extend our arm over that dilapidated government. 
**[[Frederick Douglass]], [http://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/document/what-the-black-man-wants/ &quot;What the Black Man Wants&quot;], speech in Boston, Massachusetts (1865).
===E===
*Hitmen working for murderous drug gangs are turning Mexico, a top U.S. oil supplier and trade partner and a prominent emerging market economy that has scored points for political stability, into a conflict zone that is alarming [[Washington, D.C.|Washington]], [[Tourism|tourists]] and foreign investors.
**Robin Emmott and Julian Cardona, [http://www.borderlandbeat.com/2010/06/i-killed-cut-off-heads-says-repentant.html &quot;'I Killed, Cut off Heads' Says Repentant Mexico Hitman&quot;] (24 June 2010), ''Reuters''

*Mexico has scored dozens of drug-war “wins” over the past several years, with cartel kingpins apprehended anywhere from secret tunnels to bustling restaurants, and paraded in front of news cameras as a sign of progress.
**Whitney Eulich, [http://www.csmonitor.com/World/Americas/2015/0506/Does-cutting-off-the-heads-of-Mexico-s-cartels-really-work &quot;Does 'cutting off the heads' of Mexico's cartels really work?&quot;] (6 May 2015), ''The Christian Science Monitor''
===F===
* Mexico will emerge as a major global economic power. Ranked fourteenth or fifteenth early in the [[21st century|century]], it will be firmly within the top ten by 2080. With a population of 100 million, it will be a power to be reckoned with anywhere in the world—except on the southern border of the United States.
**[[George Friedman]], [https://www.amazon.com/Next-100-Years-Forecast-Century/dp/038551705X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1498628991&amp;sr=1-1 ''The Next 100 Years: A Forecast for the 21st Century''] (2009), p. 239, Doubleday

===G===
*For decades, Mexico has been the top source of newly arrived [[Immigration to the United States|immigrants to the U.S]]., but with a recent decline in the flow of new immigrants to the U.S. from Mexico, and an increase in the number of new immigrant arrivals from [[China]] and [[India]], Mexico may no longer be the top source of U.S. immigrants. The [[w:U.S. Census Bureau|U.S. Census Bureau]] recently reported that China overtook Mexico in 2013 as the leading country for new immigrants.
**Ana Gonzalez-Barrera, [http://www.pewhispanic.org/2015/11/19/more-mexicans-leaving-than-coming-to-the-u-s/ &quot;More Mexicans Leaving Than Coming to the U.S.&quot;] (19 November 2015), ''Pew Research Center''

*Mexico's most lucrative natural resource are the people who leave home. Remittances help drive Mexico's economy, from paying for new home construction to schools, especially in [[Poverty|low-income]] areas.
**Patrick Gillespie, [http://money.cnn.com/2017/01/25/news/economy/mexico-remittances-trump/index.html &quot;Trump threatens Mexico's biggest cash source&quot;] (25 January 2017), ''CNN Money''

*The [[Mexicans]] are a good people. They live on little and work hard. They suffer from the influence of the [[Catholic Church|Church]], which, while I was in Mexico at least, was as bad as could be. The Mexicans were good soldiers, but badly commanded. The country is rich, and if the people could be assured a good government, they would prosper. See what we have made of Texas and [[California]] — empires. There are the same materials for new empires in Mexico. I have always had a deep interest in Mexico and her people, and have always wished them well. I suppose the fact that I served there as a young man, and the impressions the country made upon my young mind, have a good deal to do with this.
**[[Ulysses S. Grant]], as quoted in [https://archive.org/details/aroundworldgrant02younuoft/page/n4 ''Around the world with General Grant: a narrative of the visit of General U. S. Grant, ex-President of the United States, to various countries in Europe, Asia, and Africa, in 1877, 1878, 1879 : to which are added certain conversations with General Grant on questions connected with American politics and history''] (1879), by John Russell Young, p. 448

*When I was in [[London]], talking with [[Benjamin Disraeli|Lord Beaconsfield]], he spoke of Mexico. He said he wished to heaven we had taken the country, that England would not like anything better than to see the United States annex it. I suppose that will be the future of the country. Now that slavery is out of the way there could be no better future for Mexico than absorption in the United States. But it would have to come, as [[w:San Domingo|San Domingo]] tried to come, by the free will of the people. I would not fire a gun to annex territory. I consider it too great a privilege to belong to the United States for us to go around gunning for new territories. Then the question of annexation means the question of suffrage, and that becomes more and more serious every day with us. That is one of the grave problems of our future. 
**[[Ulysses S. Grant]], as quoted in [https://archive.org/details/aroundworldgrant02younuoft/page/n4 ''Around the world with General Grant: a narrative of the visit of General U. S. Grant, ex-President of the United States, to various countries in Europe, Asia, and Africa, in 1877, 1878, 1879 : to which are added certain conversations with General Grant on questions connected with American politics and history''] (1879), by John Russell Young, pp. 448–449

*I was bitterly opposed to the measure, and to this day, regard [[Mexican&amp;ndash;American War|the war, which resulted]], as one of the most unjust ever waged by [[United States|a stronger]] against [[w:Mexico|a weaker nation]].  It was an instance of a republic following the bad example of [[Europe|European]] [[Monarchy|monarchies]], in not considering justice in their desire to acquire additional territory.
**[[Ulysses S. Grant]], regarding the [[Mexican&amp;ndash;American War]] (1883), as quoted in ''Personal Memoirs of General U. S. Grant'' (1885), p. 16

*The [[American Civil War|Southern rebellion]] was largely the outgrowth of the [[Mexican&amp;ndash;American War|Mexican war]]. Nations, like individuals, are punished for their transgressions. [[United States|We]] got [[United States|our]] [[American Civil War|punishment in the most sanguinary and expensive war]] of modern times.
**[[Ulysses S. Grant]], regarding the [[Mexican&amp;ndash;American War]], as quoted in ''Personal Memoirs of General U. S. Grant'' (1885), Chapter 3

*The biggest mass beheading in recent history caused widespread revulsion in Mexico but little surprise. Decapitations have become as commonplace in the increasingly vicious narco turf battles as stabbings are in London.
**Ioan Grillo, [http://content.time.com/time/world/article/0,8599,1839576,00.html &quot;Behind Mexico's Wave of Beheadings&quot;] (8 September 2008), ''Time''

===H===
*I'm going way down south; way down to Mexico way. Alright, I'm going way down south. Way down, where I can be free.
**[[w:Jimi Hendrix|James Marshall Hendrix]], [https://play.google.com/music/preview/Tcvhthto5zjhid745gexv2xg7fm?lyrics=1 &quot;Hey Joe&quot;] (1967)

*Deaths remain at very, very high levels in Mexico. They haven't really dropped. The only thing that has changed is that the press doesn't talk so much about the numbers. But the cartel violence is still there.
**[[w:Anabel Hernandez|Anabel Hernandez]], as quoted in [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/05/30/mexico-drug-war_n_7476278.html &quot;Leading Mexican Journalist Explains Why Everything You're Hearing About The Drug War Is Wrong&quot;] (30 May 2015), by Roque Planas, ''The Huffington Post''

===J===

*They got frustrated that they were losing to the U.S. in the World Cup. As far as I'm concerned, you can headbutt, kick me, hit me, and I was going to get up and go forward. The last game of my career against Mexico was in the [[w:FIFA World Cup|World Cup]], and I stepped off as a winner.
**[[w:Cobi Jones|Cobi Jones]], as quoted in [http://sports.espn.go.com/los-angeles/worldcup/news/story?id=5312920 &quot;Flood of memories for Jones&quot;] (22 June 2010), ''ESPN''.
===K===
*[[South Korea]] spends the equivalent of 1.7 percent of its GDP on caring for the old, just one step above the stingiest [[w:OECD|OECD]] member; Mexico.
**Se-woong Koo, [http://www.koreaexpose.com/voices/no-country-for-old-people/ &quot;No Country For Old People&quot;] (24 September 2014), ''Korea Exposé''.
*In 1910 Mexico had been a labyrinth of political chaos and social injustice. Centuries of inept [[Colonialism|colonial]] rule followed by corrupt [[Dictatorship|dictatorships]] and foreign occupations then culminated in thirty years of one-man rule. After years of chaos, the dictator [[Porfirio Díaz]] offered stability. But in 1910 he was eighty years old and had arranged for no successor or any institutions to outlast him. There were no [[political parties]], and he represented no ideology. Mexico was divided by different [[Culture|cultures]], [[Ethnicity|ethnic groups]], and [[Social class|social classes]], all with dramatically different needs and demands. When the country erupted into what was called the [[w:Mexican revolution|Mexican revolution]] that year, it was an endless series of highly destructive civil wars, most of them fought on a regional basis. There were many leaders and many armies. But this was the Mexico [[w:Hernan Cortes|Hernan Cortes]] had found in the early sixteenth century. The Aztecs had ruled by managing a coalition of leaders from different groups. Cortes had defeated the Aztecs by dividing this coalition, gaining the loyalty of some of the leaders. That was how politics was played in Mexico. 
**[[Mark Kurlansky]], ''1968: The Year that Rocked the World'' (2004), ISBN 0-345-45581-9
*Some can be bought off, and some have to be shot. That became the Mexican way. &quot;No general can withstand a cannonade of a hundred thousand [[w:Mexican peso|pesos]],&quot; Obregon once said. By 1924 a fourth of the national budget went to paying off generals. But many other &quot;generals,&quot; local chieftains with their bands of armed followers, were shot. Starting with the [[w:constitution of Mexico|1917 constitution]], a system of government was established who primary goal was not democracy but stability. In 1928 Mexico almost slid back into [[revolution]]. [[w:Alvaro Obregon|Obregon]] ran for [[president]] without an opponent and was elected. He might have been on his way to dictatorship were it not for the artist who, while sketching him as president, took out a pistol and shot him to death. The assassin was immediately killed. It seemed the changing of presidents was forever threatening the national stability. The Mexican solution was the PNR—the National Revolutionary Party—formed in 1929. Through this institution, a qualified president could be chosen and presented to the public. For six years the president would have almost absolute power. There were only three things he could not do—give territory to a foreign power, confiscate land from [[Indigenous peoples|indigenous people]], and succeed himself as president. During [[World War II]], in an attempt to appear more stable and democratic, the PNR changed its name to that uniquely Mexican paradox, the Institutional Revolutionary Party. This is what Mexico had become, not a democracy but an institutional revolution—the Revolution that feared revolution. The PRI bought out or killed agrarian leaders, all the while paying verbal homage to [[Emiliano Zapata|Zapata]] and carrying out as little land reform as possible. It bought out the [[Trade unions|labor unions]] until they became part of the PRI. It bought out the [[press]], one [[Newspapers|newspaper]] at a time, until it completely controlled them. The PRI was not violent. It tried to co-opt. Only in those rare situations where that did not it work would it resort to killing. 
**[[Mark Kurlansky]], ''1968: The Year that Rocked the World'' (2004), ISBN 0-345-45581-9
===L===
*Mexico continues to be a theater of civil war. While our political relations with that country have undergone no change, we have at the same time strictly maintained [[neutrality]] between the belligerents.
**[[Abraham Lincoln]], [http://millercenter.org/president/lincoln/speeches/speech-3739 fourth annual message to Congress] (6 December 1864)
===M===
*We are dependent on the Mexicans trusting us.
**Patricia Mulroy, as quoted in [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/05/20/us/politics/donald-trump-immigration.html?smid=tw-share&amp;_r=0 &quot;What Would It Take for Donald Trump to Deport 11 Million and Build a Wall?&quot;] (19 May 2016), ''The New York Times'', New York: The New York Times Company

===N===
*You know how Mexicans are: If they go high, we go underneath, with tunnels.
**Ariel Najum, as quoted in [https://www.nytimes.com/2017/01/25/world/americas/trump-mexico-border-wall.html?ribbon-ad-idx=5&amp;rref=homepage &quot;As Trump Orders Wall, Mexico’s President Considers Canceling U.S. Trip&quot;] (25 January 2017), by Azam Ahmed, ''The New York Times''

*When Trump came for the Mexicans, I did not speak out, as I was not a Mexican. When he came for the [[Muslim|Muslims]], I did not speak out, as I was not a Muslim. Then he came for me.
**[http://www.cbsnews.com/pictures/front-page-reactions-to-trumps-anti-muslim-stance/ ''New York Daily News''] (9 December 2015).

*The Mexicans are a different cup of tea. '''They have a heritage'''. At the present time they steal, they're dishonest, but they do have some concept of family life. They don't live like a bunch of dogs.
**[[Richard Nixon|Richard M. Nixon]], tapes from 1971, as presented in &quot;All the Philosopher King's Men&quot; by James Warren in ''Harper's Magazine'' (February 2000).
===P===
* [[w:Mexico|Mexico]] is a country that has a lot of energy potential. We not only have oil; we also have shale gas. But we cannot expect that a Mexican state company is the only one that can exploit the resources. Resources will continue belonging to Mexicans. They are the patrimony of the nation. But the Mexican state must find more efficient ways to exploit those resources.
**[[Enrique Peña Nieto]], as quoted in [http://archive.is/2C9aP ''Foreign Affairs'' interview] (January 2014)

*We are a sovereign nation, and we will act as such. The exercise of [[sovereignty]] implies that, in the process of negotiation, our only interest is that of Mexico and those of Mexicans.
**[[Enrique Peña Nieto]], as quoted in [http://archive.is/PYJeS#selection-2131.1-2131.206 &quot;Preparing to Meet Trump, Mexican Leader Seeks Common Ground&quot;] (23 January 2017), by Azam Ahmed, ''The New York Times''

===S===
*You cannot qualify [[war]] in harsher terms than I will. [[War]] is cruelty, and you cannot refine it; and [[Confederate States of America|those who brought war into]] [[United States|our country]] deserve all the curses and maledictions a people can pour out. I know I had no hand in making [[American Civil War|this war]], and I know I will make more sacrifices today than any of you to secure peace. But you cannot have peace and a division of [[United States|our country]]. '''If the [[United States]] submits to a division now, it will not stop, but will go on until we reap the fate of Mexico, which is eternal war'''.
**[[William Tecumseh Sherman]], [[s:Letter to James M. Calhoun, et al., September 12, 1864|letter to the City of Atlanta]] (12 September 1864).

*Mexico fans are trashy. Lasers, throwing garbage, ''puto'' calls.
**[[w:John Sherry|John Sherry]], [https://www.facebook.com/officialussoccer/photos/a.10150669668448941.405417.32421823940/10153479344278941/?type=3&amp;comment_id=10153479345868941&amp;offset=0&amp;total_comments=804&amp;comment_tracking=%7B%22tn%22%3A%22R%22%7D Facebook] (October 2015).

:'''Antonio Espera''': I don't hang out with Mexicans. Mexicans got twenty thousand dollar stereos, lots of guns and every time I go into a liquor store with one, I'm afraid we're going to rob the place. Mexicans are scary motherfuckers.
:*&quot;Combat Jack&quot; (3 August 2008), written by David Simon and Ed Burns, ''[[Generation Kill]]'' (2008), Home Box Office.

*I live in the Mexican part of L.A.; it's called L.A.
**[[w:Bobby Slayton|Bobby Slayton]], [http://www.shayne-michael.com/links.php?searchFor=Bobby%20Slayton&amp;findBio=full&amp;showQuotes=Yes]

*I left, out of Tucson, with no destination in mind. I was running from trouble and the jail-term the Judge had in mind. And the border meant freedom, a new life, romance. And that's why I thought I should go. And start my life over on the seashores of old Mexico.
**[[w:George Strait|George Strait]], [http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/georgestrait/theseashoresofoldmexico.html &quot;The Seashores Of Old Mexico&quot;] (28 June 2005), ''Somewhere Down in Texas'' (2005).

===T===
*Mexico's most powerful drug trafficker, [[w:Joaquin 'El Chapo' Guzman|Joaquin 'El Chapo' Guzman]], had escaped again from one of that country’s maximum-security prisons. No one in this deeply sourced group was surprised. Nor were they particularly interested in the logistical details of the escape, although they clearly didn’t believe the version they’d heard from the Mexican government. They were convinced it was all a deal cut at some link in the system’s chain. Our breakfast minister even thought that Chapo had likely walked out the front door of the jail, and that the whole tunnel-and-motorcycle story had been staged to make the feat sound so ingenious that the government couldn’t have foreseen it, much less stopped it. Such an outlandish notion may not be surprising to anyone who knows anything about Mexico. But as someone who lived there for 10 years, and reported on the country almost twice that long, what surprised me were the men’s theories on why anyone in the Mexican government would have been interested in such a deal. Perhaps, I wondered aloud, Chapo had possessed information that could have incriminated senior Mexican officials in the drug trade and, rather than try him, they had agreed to turn a blind eye to his escape? The heads around the table shook back and forth. 
**[[w:Ginger Thompson|Ginger Thompson]], [http://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2015/07/chapo-mexico-drug-war/398927/ &quot;There's No Real Fight Against Drugs: Discussing El Chapo’s escape with an ex-cartel operative, a Mexican intelligence official, and an American counternarcotics agent&quot;] (20 July 2015), ''The Atlantic''.

*[[w:Sinaloa Cartel|Sinaloa]] became the [[McDonald's]] of the drug trade. Customers could find its products, [[cocaine]], [[heroin]], and [[w:Methamphetamine|methamphetamines]], everywhere. Operations ran so smoothly that after Chapo's arrest in February 2014, many experts predicted that they’d continue to hum along without him. However, hopes ran high in the United States and Mexico that Chapo's arrest would herald a new era of trust between the two governments. The arrest was seen as a sign that Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto was serious about ending a long history of government corruption, and that Washington, after some skepticism, could trust him. Chapo's latest spectacular escape seems to have put an end to any such illusions. &quot;'''I think the relationship has been set back ten years'''&quot;, the American agent observed. He said he had received calls from colleagues across the United States who seemed disgusted with Mexican officials. &quot;'''If we can't trust them to keep Chapo in jail'''&quot;, he wondered, &quot;'''then how can we trust them on anything?'''&quot;
**[[w:Ginger Thompson|Ginger Thompson]], [http://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2015/07/chapo-mexico-drug-war/398927/ &quot;There's No Real Fight Against Drugs: Discussing El Chapo’s escape with an ex-cartel operative, a Mexican intelligence official, and an American counternarcotics agent&quot;] (20 July 2015), ''The Atlantic''.

* '''When Mexico sends its people, they're not sending their best. They're not sending you. They're not sending you. They're sending people that have lots of problems, and they're bringing those problems with us. They're bringing drugs. They're bringing crime. They're rapists. And some, I assume, are good people.''' But I speak to border guards and they tell us what we're getting. And it only makes common sense. It only makes common sense. They're sending us not the right people. It's coming from more than Mexico. It's coming from all over South and Latin America, and it's coming.
** [[Donald Trump]], at Trump Tower (16 June 2015), speech announcing his candidacy for U.S. president. As quoted in [https://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/post-politics/wp/2015/06/16/full-text-donald-trump-announces-a-presidential-bid/ &quot;Full text: Donald Trump announces a presidential bid&quot;] (16 June 2015), ''The Washington Post'', Washington, D.C.

*I'm not knocking immigration or immigrants, but rather am very critical of the country of Mexico for sending us people that they don't want. 
** [[Donald Trump]], [https://www.facebook.com/DonaldTrump/posts/10155829886030725 ''Facebook'' post] (14 July 2015).

*Mexico is going to be the new China because what they're doing to us is unbelievable, although they did catch El Chapo. Good? Good? They did catch El Chapo, that's good. I mean I don't know, he better not escape a third time, you know? Those tunnels, bing, boom, right under the toilet, bing boom, right up. It's pretty amazing when you think about it, right? But anyway. I have an idea: Put him on the fourth floor this time, right? No more, no more first floors.
**[[Donald Trump]], [http://www.cbsnews.com/news/el-chapo-on-donald-trump-mi-amigo/ speech] (9 January 2016).

* Donald was to [[w:Fred Trump|my grandfather]] what the border wall as been for Donald: a vanity project funded at the expense of more worthy pursuits.
** [[Mary L. Trump]], ''Too Much And Never Enough: How My Family Created The World's Most Dangerous Man'' (2020), p. 194

===V===
*[[United States|There]], they'll [[w:Deportation|deport]] you. '''In Mexico they'll probably let you go, but they'll beat you up and steal everything''' you've got first.
**[[w:Hector Vázquez|Hector Vázquez]], as quoted in [http://www.usatoday.com/news/world/2010-05-25-mexico-migrants_N.htm?csp=34news &quot;Activists blast Mexico’s immigration law&quot;] (25 May 2010), ''USA Today''.
===W===
*The next Augustan age will dawn on the other side of the Atlantic. There will, perhaps, be a [[Thucydides]] at [[Boston]], a [[Xenophon]] at [[New York]], and, in time, a [[Virgil]] at [[w:Mexico|Mexico]], and a [[Isaac Newton|Newton]] at [[Peru]].
**[[Horace Walpole]], letter to Sir Horace Mann (24 November 1774).

*There is something that Mexican soccer should be ashamed and embarrassed about. No, it's not its national team performances. El Tri is back on track to reach the World Cup and Mexico's runner-up finish at this month’s U-17 World Cup comes two years after the Mexicans lifted that title. This is about Mexican fans and their goal-kick chant. You heard it every few minutes if you watched the [[w:ESPN|ESPN]] broadcast of Mexico’s 5-1 win over [[New Zealand]]. If you were watching [[w:Univision|Univision]], you didn’t, because the Spanish-language network hit the mute button whenever Kiwi keeper Glenn Moss booted a goal kick. The keeper lines up and when he kicks the ball, the fans scream &quot;Puto!&quot; The word has various connotations, but if you imagine a stadium full of fans screaming “faggot” you have an idea of what’s going on here. Teams around the world are being punished with fines or stadium closures for racist chants. There have even been fines for booing national anthems. But the rulers of the game -- i.e. FIFA, Concacaf, Femexfut -- seem to have no problem with this [[Homophobia|homophobic]] Mexican fan tradition. Even better than a governing body intervening would be that if Mexican players and coaches spoke out -- made a plea to their fans that this needs to stop. Or they can remain silent as Mexican soccer continues to shame itself.
**[[w:Mike Woitalla|Mike Woitalla]], [http://www.socceramerica.com/article/54881/mexicos-shame.html &quot;Mexico's Shame&quot;] (14 November 2013), ''Confidential: A Soccer Insider's View'', Soccer America.

*'''[[Super Troopers|MacIntyre Womack]]''': You boys like Mexico?
**[http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0247745/ ''Super Troopers''] (19 January 2001), written by Jay Chandrasekhar

*[[W:Andrés Manuel López Obrador|Andrés Manuel López Obrador]], I consider him to be a profoundly human man, with values that are in line with great moral principles, for the region and for Mexico and for Central America. He has had a very clear position vis-à-vis the United States. I believe that Mr. Trump’s pressures against Mexico are serious. When they threaten to impose tariffs on Mexican merchandise, well, that produces more migrants, more migration and more poverty in our region. So, the policies of Mr. Andrés Manuel López Obrador are practically being punished by the United States.  In focusing on migration, they’re going to look for some solution to the system that is provoking the migrants, because everyone talks about migration, but the causes of migration are the U.S. policies, the IMF policies, the policies of the Southern Command for this region, are provoking more and more migrants with each passing day.
**[[Manuel Zelaya]],  [https://www.democracynow.org/2019/7/12/manuel_zelaya_honduras_coup_immigration_crisis Ousted Honduran President Zelaya: The 2009 U.S.-Backed Coup Helped Cause Today’s Migrant Crisis, ''Democracy Now!''] July 12, 2019

== See also ==
* [[Latin America]]
* [[Second Mexican Empire]]

==External links==
{{Wikipedia}}
{{Commons category}}
*{{wikivoyage-inline}}
* [https://www.cia.gov/the-world-factbook/countries/mexico/ Mexico]. ''The World Factbook''. [[Central Intelligence Agency]].
* [https://web.archive.org/web/20080607085229/http://ucblibraries.colorado.edu/govpubs/for/mexico.htm Mexico] from UCB Libraries GovPubs
* [http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/country_profiles/1205074.stm Mexico] from the BBC News
* [http://www.britannica.com/EBchecked/topic/379167/Mexico Mexico] at ''Encyclopædia Britannica''
* [http://www.ifs.du.edu/ifs/frm_CountryProfile.aspx?Country=MX Key Development Forecasts for Mexico] from International Futures

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    <title>SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 7</title>
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----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 1|1]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 2|2]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 3|3]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 4|4]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 5|5]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 6|6]] '''7''' [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 8|8]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 9|9]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 10|10]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 11|11]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 12|12]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 13|13]] ([[SpongeBob SquarePants|Main]]) | '''Movies''': [[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie]] / [[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water|Sponge Out of Water]] / [[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge on the Run|Sponge on the Run]] | '''Spin-offs:''' [[Kamp Koral: SpongeBob's Under Years|Kamp Koral]] / [[The Patrick Star Show]]
----
&lt;br&gt;
'''''[[w:SpongeBob_SquarePants|SpongeBob SquarePants]]''''' (1999-) is an animated TV series, airing on Nickelodeon about the adventures and endeavors of the title character and his various friends in the fictional underwater city of Bikini Bottom. It spawned [[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie|a movie]], followed by several short films, and video games.

==Cast==
*Tom Kenny as SpongeBob, Snooty Narrator, TV Voice, Narrator
*Bill Fagerbakke as Patrick, TV Producer
*Rodger Bumpass as Squidward
*Clancy Brown as Mr. Krabs
*Mr. Lawrence as Plankton, Larry the Lobster
*Carolyn Lawrence as Sandy
*Dee Bradley Baker as Zeus, Squilliam
*Lori Alan as Pearl, Grandma
*Jill Talley as Twin #1, Twin #2
*Sirena Irwin as Agent Fish

==Episode 1==
===&quot;Pet or Pests&quot; (1.1)===
:''[Mrs. Wormley and Gary are growling each other again.]''
:'''Patrick''': It looks like they're still not getting used to each other.
:'''SpongeBob''': Well, these things take time.
:''[Gary and Mrs. Wormsley start fighting again. SpongeBob and Patrick see the fight and they run and hide in SpongeBob's bed]''
:'''SpongeBob and Patrick''': Duck and Cover!
:''[the fighting still continues outside of conch street]''
:'''Patrick''': This town is getting too rough for me.
:'''SpongeBob''': He's chased her away! Now, who will care for her abandoned newborn infants?
:'''Patrick''': Maybe you could take care of them.
:'''SpongeBob''': Oh, no way Patrick. I've never seen Gary that upset.

===&quot;Komputer Overload&quot; (1.2)===

==Episode 2==
===&quot;Gullible Pants&quot; (2.1)===

===&quot;Overbooked&quot; (2.2)===

==Episode 3==
===&quot;No Hat for Pat&quot; (3.1)===

:'''Frankie Billy''': That guy still flopping?
:'''Frank''': Yeah! Amazing, isn't it?
:'''Frankie Billy''': Doesn't that get old?
:'''Harold''': He's got a point.
:'''Frank''': Yeah. You've seen enough?
:'''Harold''': Yeah, let's get out of here. [He, Frank, and another customer throw their food on the floor and leave]
:'''Frankie Billy''': Me, too. I'm out. [He throws his food on the floor and leaves like everybody else]
:'''Mr. Krabs''': What? Wait! Don't go! Why ya leaving?
:'''Harold''': This guy's act is stale! We crave excitement! [all the other customers argue]
:'''Mr. Krabs''': Okay, Okay! You want excitement? What if I added a box? [puts Patrick on a box as he falls from it] Huh? Huh?
:'''Frankie Billy''': Sort of the same, really.
:'''Frank''': Yeah.
:'''Mr. Krabs''': Oh, okay, so what if he flopped from two boxes...? [adds another box, but the customers are still bored] ...into a cream pie? [puts a cream pie in place]
:'''Patrick''': I like pie.
:'''Frankie Billy''': Say now.
:'''Frank''': That, I'd pay to see!

===&quot;Toy Store of Doom&quot; (3.2)===

==Episode 4==
===&quot;Sand Castles in the Sand&quot; (4.1)===
:'''SpongeBob''': [Floating gently down] All is fair in love and war my friend slash enemy, or should I say, my friend-enemy!? [presses a sand button where a jet fighter resembling an [[w: General Dynamics F-16 Fighting Falcon|F-16]] hovers in midair until SpongeBob lands in the cockpit. It then starts chasing Patrick's robot head]  Let's have some real fun! [Presses a button that launches two missiles that fly towards Patrick. Patrick screams as he turns his robot head away from the missiles]

===&quot;Shell Shocked&quot; (4.2)===

==Episode 5==
===&quot;Chum Bucket Supreme&quot; (5.1)===
:'''Mini Brain Patrick 1''': Forget about what that word means! There's a fire breaking out in the language lobes!
:'''Mini Brain Patrick 2''': We need to get outta here! ''[Mini Brain Patrick 3 pushes on a door with signs saying &quot;PULL TO OPEN&quot;]''
:'''Mini Brain Patrick 3''': The door's jammed!
:'''Mini Brain Patrick 2''': Push harder! ''[all Mini Brain Patricks start moaning and coughing]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Karen''': Don't look now, but I think your catchy slogan days are numbered.
:'''Nat''': ''[barfs on floor]'' Something's not right.
:'''Pilar''': Yeah, I know, I keep sayin' &quot;Chum is Fum&quot; but it's...ehh...it's just not working.
:'''Nat''': I'm outta here. ''[throws chumstick on the floor and leaves]''
:'''Pilar''': ''[also throws chumstick on the floor and leaves]''
:'''Plankton''': ''[To Patrick who is sleeping]'' Patrick! 
:'''Patrick''': ''[Wakes up]'' Huh?
:'''Plankton''': We're having a board meeting here! We need ideas!
:'''Patrick''': ''[Examining a line graph whose line ends in a toilet]'' Hmmmm...mmmhmmm...uh-huh. I think I see the problem. Your potty has a shocky thing in it!
:'''Plankton''': ''[Annoyed]'' '''NO!''' That's not ''it'' you '''FOOL'''! We need a new slogan! You need to come up with a new genius catchphrase like ''Chum is Fum!'' But ''different''.
:'''Patrick''': Oh gotcha. Hmmmm. ''[Cut to Chum Bucket, whose slogan has been switched to &quot;Fum is Chum!&quot;]''
:'''Nat''': I'm so happy that they changed that old tired slogan &quot;Chum is Fum&quot;!
:'''Pilar''': Yeah that new slogan, &quot;Fum is Chum&quot; is way cooler!
:'''Nat''': Way cooler!
:'''Patrick''': Excuse me, sir. [hands resignation slip] My resignation. [shows picture of himself in a [[w:fighter aircraft|fighter plane]] shooting bullets]

===&quot;Single Cell Anniversary&quot; (5.2)===
:'''Plankton''': ''[singing]''
::''Oh, my Karen. Oh, my Karen.''
::''Oh, my computer wife, Karen.''
::''Put down those punch cards,''
::''Put down those punch cards,''
::''And listen to my ode.''

::''Oh, my Karen. Oh, my Karen.''
::''Oh, my computer wife, Karen.''
::''What compares to,''
::''What compares to...''
::''Ehhhh, um, eeh... AH-HA!''
::''Your beautiful diodes?''
::''(Instrumental break)''

::''Oh, my Karen. Oh, my Karen.' 
::''Oh, my computer wife, Karen.''
::''I was blinded, yes, I was blinded,''
::''I was blinded by the light of your cathode ray.''
::''Oh, I built you, yes, I built you,''
::''I built you in the - ehhh... erm...''
::''In the shape of a cube!''
::''Oh, my Karen. Oh, my Karen.''
::''You'll never know how much I love your vacuum tubes!''

==[[w:Truth or Square|&quot;Truth or Square&quot; (Episodes 6–7)]]==
:'''SpongeBob''': Can you believe it's been eleventy seven years already? 
:''[Gary meows angrily]''
:'''SpongeBob''': ''[gasps]'' Watch the potty mouth, Gar!

==Episode 8==
===&quot;Pineapple Fever&quot; (8.1)===
:'''Squidward''': WHOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOO!!!! SO LONG, SUCKERS!!!! ''(falling)'' Oof! Oh, curse you, Preflumster! OOF! OH, &lt;big&gt;'''''CURSE YOU PREFLUMSTER!!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;

===&quot;Chum Caverns&quot; (8.2)===
:'''Mr. Krabs''': Satisfied with yourself, Plankton! Now you've trapped us all underground!
:'''Fish #5''': But at least we're trapped in a good restaurant!
:'''Mr. Krabs''': Capturing customers! I should've though of it sooner, but without Squidward, I need someone to work the register. ''[Cut to Plankton and a cave creature working the register. The creature raises its whip]''
:'''Cave Dweller #2''': '''AAUUGGHHH!!!'''

==[[w:The Clash of Triton|&quot;The Clash of Triton&quot; (Episode 9)]]==
:'''Sadie''': Did you hear that? Neptune said it was all because of ''that'' guy! ''[citizens with torches, pitchforks, splinters, and other weapons form a mob with the damaged city in the background]''
:'''Policeman''': He ''did'', did he?
:'''Patrick''': Uh... SpongeBob?
:'''SpongeBob''': Yes, Patrick?
:'''Patrick''': Do you think now's a good time to get those Triple Gooberry Sundays you were talking about?
:'''SpongeBob''': I think now would be an excellent time, yes. (But let's run first and see if we can lose the mob.) ''[the episode ends with he and Patrick screaming whilst getting chased by the angry mob]''

==Episode 10==
===''Tentacle-Vision (10.1)''===
:'''Patrick''': ''[laughing]'' My shorts are wet!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Squidward''': Patrick, just how dumb ''are'' you?
:'''Patrick''': It varies.

===''I love Dancing (10.2)''===
:'''Squidward''': ''[upon seeing SpongeBob dancing]'' That is the stupidest dance I've ever seen.
:'''SpongeBob''': ''[to Squidward]'' Who put you on the planet?
----
:'''Twin Sisters''': [singing] We're tiny, we're cuddly, we're bubbly, wubbly, huggly!
:'''Talent Agent''': That was very cute, girls! ''[then annoyed]'' In fact, it's ''too'' cute. You're out.
:'''Twin Sisters''': I told you it was a stupid idea... and I hate you, too!

==Episode 11==
===''Growth Spout (11.1)''===
:'''Cracker''': What am I, chopped liver?
:'''Offscreen voice''': No, that's what ''I'' am. ''[zoom out showing a jar of chopped liver]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mrs. Puff''': ''[in her sleep]'' Must...protect garden.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Squidward's house''': Oh, well. I needed to lose a little weight anyway.

===''Stuck in the Wringer (11.2)''===

==Episode 12==
===''Someone's in the Kitchen with Sandy (12.1)''===

===''The Inside Job (12.2)''===
:''[Plankton unplugs SpongeBob's ear drum]''
:'''Plankton''': Let me see what I can tune in here. Hmm.
:'''Mr. Krabs''': The secret of the Krabby Patty formula is--
:'''Plankton''': Jackpot!
:'''Spongebob''': Huh?
:'''Mr, Krabs''': I said--
:'''SpongeBob''': Could you speak a little louder, please?
:'''Mr. Krabs''': The secret to the Krabby Patty formula--
:'''SpongeBob''': What?
:'''Mr. Krabs''': Hold on.
:'''Plankton''': Here it comes!
:'''Mr. Krabs''': ''[shouting into a megaphone] &lt;big&gt;'''THE SECRET TO THE KRABBY PATTY FORMULA IS...!'''&lt;/big&gt; [The shouting causes Plankton's ears to pop]''
:'''Plankton''': OW!!! I hate my life!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Plankton''': Enough with these petty carnal senses. If I'm going to get the Krabby Patty recipe...''[he arrives at...]'' The brain!
:''[Snickering evily, he sticks one end of the mind connector to the brain and absorbs some of it]''
:'''Plankton''': Hi, friend! [he gasps as he saw &quot;Superficial Greetings&quot; on the brain] &quot;Superficial Greetings&quot;? What kind of idiot...? ''[sees the parts of the brain]'' --&quot;Personal Opinions&quot;? &quot;Knock-knock Jokes&quot;?! No, no, no, no! This is all useless!

==Episode 13==
===''Greasy Buffoons (13.1)''===
:'''Mr. Krabs/Plankton''': Oh, no! Did somebody call the Health inspector?
:'''Health inspector''': Did somebody call a... Health inspector?

===''Model Sponge (13.2)''===

==Episode 14==
===''Keep Bikini Bottom Beautiful (14.1)''===

===''A Pal for Gary (14.2)''===
:''[Spongebob sees little puffy fish being sold by a peddler, and becomes enticed by them and decides to get one of them for Gary]
:'''SpongeBob''': I'll take that one right there!
:'''Store Owner''': You wish to have one of my rare and extremely dangerous... huh?
:'''SpongeBob''': Oh yeah this is the one. ''[picks one of them]''
:'''Store Owner''': Beware, boy, this is no ordinary pet!
:'''SpongeBob''': Oh, Gary's gonna be so happy!
:'''Store Owner''': You ''must'' understand. These pets can be ''very'' unstable. especially around other pets!
:''[She proves this by showing a picture of a cat next to another puffy fish, who snarls at it.]''
:'''SpongeBob''': ''[obliviously]'' Yeah, yeah, yeah, thanks, bye. ''[he runs off]''
:'''Store Owner''': Why bother? They never listen.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Spongebob''': Ahh. I can rest so peacefully, now that Gary's got a good pal they could play with.
:''[Just as he goes to sleep, Gary bursts through the door, scared and meowing in alarm, causing him to wake up with a start.]''
:'''Spongebob''': Gary! Shame on you! ''[takes Gary back in the living room]'' Puffy Fluffy is perfectly harmless. ''[he takes the blanket off, revealing what he thinks is normal Puffy Fluffy]'' See there he is fast asleep. Now will you let me sleep, Gary, please? [sets Gary back on a small green bed and covers him with a small blanket] Good night. ''[goes back to bed]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[After Spongebob wakes up and notices the damage to the house, thanks to Puffy Fluffy]''
:'''Spongebob''': Huh? What's this? Must have been a sea quake last night. Oh well, what are you gonna do? ''[opens the galley door which falls over]'' That's unusual. WHOA!! [sees the library which is a total wreck] My library! ''[gasps]'' And my prized memoirs of T.S. Halibut! ''[gasps]'' My clothes! [picks up his torn pants] This was no random sea quake, Who could have done this? Why, there was no one here except... ''[mistakenly realizes something]'' ...Gary. I bet he's jealous about the new friend!

==Episode 15==
===''Yours, Mine and Mine (15.1)''===
:'''Patrick''': Uh, I'm not home right now! Please leave a message! Beeeep...
:'''SpongeBob''': Patrick, it's me! SpongeBob! It's my turn to play with the toy!
:'''Patrick''': I can't go out! I just washed my hair!
:'''SpongeBob''': You don't have any h-come out, Patrick! It's MY turn!!
:'''Patrick''': Got any ID?
:'''SpongeBob''': I have my milkshake dispenser operator license.
:'''Patrick''': ''[looks at it]'' Looks fake to me pal! Bye-Bye now!
:'''SpongeBob''': Well, I guess I had best be going! ''[Pretends to walk away]'' I'm walking away...Here I go... ''[quietly]'' I'm gone now! ''[hides on Patrick's antenna]''
:'''Patrick''': You sure?
:'''SpongeBob''': I'm sure! ''[Patrick comes out, he jumps at him]'' Hi, Patrick! Time to ''SHARE!''
:'''Patrick''': DECEIVER! You didn't leave at all!!
:'''SpongeBob''': Oh, and you were washing your hair!?!
:'''Patrick''': I was too, See? ''[shows his armpit hair]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''SpongeBob''': [Surprised] Gary was so right about you! You're a non-sharer!
:'''Patrick''': Gary said that? You're off my friend list, Gary!!
:'''Gary''': Meow. [turns and slithers back into SpongeBob's house]
:'''SpongeBob''': Hand it over, Patrick! ''I'' get to play with the Patty Pal today!
:'''Patrick''': You can't take it, It's not fair!
:'''SpongeBob''': How about I take it for ''half'' a day?
:'''Patrick''': Mm-mm!
:'''SpongeBob''': How about we trade off every ''hour''?
:'''Patrick''': Mm-mm!
:'''SpongeBob''': Every ''half'' hour?
:'''Patrick''': Mm-mm!
:'''SpongeBob''': Every ''fifteen minutes''?
:'''Patrick''': Mm-mm!
:'''SpongeBob''': ''Five'' minutes?
:'''Patrick''': Mm-mm!
:'''SpongeBob''': ''One'' minute?
:'''Patrick''': N-n-no!
:'''SpongeBob''': Okay then, for our final offer we trade off every ''second!''
:''[They pass Patty Pal back and fourth every second]''
:'''Patrick''': One.
:'''SpongeBob''': One.
:'''Patrick''': One.
:''[Pause, Patrick runs off while SpongeBob tears himself angrily]''

===''Kracked Krabs (15.2)''===
:'''Mr. Krabs:''': Lad, you're surrounded by stingy wisdom, so try to pick up some pointers. But whatever you do, don't lend anyone money!
:'''SpongeBob:''': ''[lending money to another crab]'' 25, 26...

==Episode 16==
===''The Curse of Bikini Bottom (16.1)''===

===''Squidward in Clarinetland (16.2)''===
:'''Squidward''': Order up, SpongeBob! 
:''[walk towards SpongeBob]''
:'''Squidward''': SpongeBob! What do you think you're doing? You're supposed to be fry cooking. I told you not to touch my stuff!
:'''SpongeBob''': I didn't! I wore protective gloves! And besides, don't you like how classy it look now?
:'''Squidward''': Velvet..
:'''SpongeBob''': Now I'd like to stand by and idly chat with you, Squidward, But I must attend to my Krusty Krab duties! In the future, please keep your interruptions to a minimum sir, please!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Squidward''': Hey, come back! I need my clarinet! Come Back! Where are you? Sponge-
:''[bumps into an eagle head]''
:'''Eagle''': I am the keeper of the horned forest, state your business here.
:'''Squidward''': uuhh.. I'm.. trying to find my clarinet.
:'''Eagle''': ''Your'' clarinet?
:'''Squidward:''': Yes, my clarinet! Which I am the proud owner.
:''[Eagle laughs]''
:'''Eagle''': A clarinet is not owned. Why don't you tell me why you're really here?
:'''Squidward''': You calling me a ''LIAR?!''
:''[Eagle grabs Squidward with his tongue]''
:'''Eagle''': I don't appreciate your tone.
:'''Squidward''': I'm sorry I-I-I didn't mean to offend you.
:'''Eagle''': This is a sacred place where clarinets live without persecution. You need to learn respect.
:'''Squidward''': ''[Eagle squeezed squidward tightly]'' I've learned.. ''[loosely]'' I've learned respect...
:'''Eagle''': I don't believe you.
:''[Swallows Squidward and he ends up in the stomach, Squidward sees SpongeBob]''

==''[[w:SpongeBob's Last Stand|SpongeBob's Last Stand (Episode 17)]]''==
:'''SpongeBob''': Okay everyone, say goodbye to the worst thing that's happened to this town since 97 cent stores.
:'''Everyone''': YEAH! ''[SpongeBob tries to break the highway with the tractor, but it just stopped]''
:'''Plankton''': Good effort, Spongedope, but you can't tear up my highway, it's indestructible!
:'''Larry Lobster''': Not if we have anything to do with it!
:'''SpongeBob''': Larry Lobster!
:'''Larry Lobster''': That's right, pal, but that's not all. ''[Sandy walks out from the crowd, waving]''
:'''SpongeBob''': Sandy Squirrel! ''[Mrs. Puff walks out of the crowd]'' Mrs. Puff! ''[Mermaid Man &amp; Barnacle Boy both walk out from the crowd]'' Mermaid Man &amp; Barnacle Boy! ''[Patrick walks walk out from the crowd]'' Patrick!
:'''Patrick''': Su-Su-Su-Su!
:'''SpongeBob''': And Squidward! ''[Squidward doesn't walk out from the crowd]''
:'''Fish 3''': Nope, that's everybody!
:'''Larry Lobster''': Push! ''[He, Patrick, Mrs. Puff, Mermaid Man, Barnacle Boy and Sandy push]'' Harder!!!!! ''[They push harder]''
:'''SpongeBob''': Harder still!
:'''Fish 3''': You heard the little square guy, yeah! ''[Everybody lines up behind the tractor and pushes it]''
:'''Plankton''': Wait! I didn't count on all of you working together! ''[Everybody pushes hard enough that the highway breaks!]'' My highway! STOP! YOU CAN'T! ''[Plankton gets crushed by the tractor!]''
:'''Everyone''': YEAH! ''[The arch over the Krusty Krab breaks down in a pile of dust and the smog clears]''
:'''Mr. Krabs''': Praise Neptune.
:'''SpongeBob''': ''[Singing]'' ''Jelly lelly lelly jelly, jelly lelly lelly jelly, it's the jellyfishing song!''
:'''Jellyfish''': Clap!
:'''SpongeBob''': ''Jelly lelly lelly jelly, jelly lelly lelly jelly, everyone sing along!''
:'''Jellyfish''': Clap!
:'''Everyone''': ''[Singing]'' Jelly lelly lelly jelly, jelly lelly lelly jelly, it's the jellyfishing song!
:'''Jellyfish''': Clap!
:'''Everyone''': ''Jelly lelly lelly jelly, jelly lelly lelly jelly everyone siiiiinnnnggggg!'' ''[The camera zooms out and we cut to the Jellyfish Fields ranger]''
:'''Ranger''': ''[bored voice]'' Everyone sing along. ''[switches the &quot;closed&quot; sign to &quot;open,&quot; and then walks away]''

==Episode XVIII==

===''Back to the Past (XVIII.I)''===

:'''Mermaid Men''':
::'''#2:''' ''[running out of the time machine along with the second Barnacle Boy, Spongebob and Patrick]'' Keep your tongue out of my tarter sauce!
::'''#1:''' Imposters!
::'''#2:''' Who are you calling imposter, imposter? I must prevent our tarter sauce from being eaten by that... ''[pans to Patrick]'' ...That fool!
::'''#1:''' If I want to get near my tarter sauce, I gotta go through me first!
::'''#2:''' I’m gonna make you eat those words!
::'''#1:''' Bring It! ''[gets &quot;slapped&quot;]'' Take this! ''[&quot;punches&quot; himself's hair]'' I’ll never let you win!
::'''#2:''' Oh, yes I will!
::'''Young:''' What do you make of this, Barnacle Boy?
:'''Young Barnacle Boy''': Tangled Timeline, Mermaid Man. I...
:'''Man Ray''': ''[laughs wickedly]'' You old coots provided me the perfect distraction. Now prepare to be disappeared!
:'''Young Mermaid Man''': Sounds good on paper, you purveyor of pure evil, but, fortunately, we all know what happens to paper underwater. Barnacle Boy, the tartar sauce. ''[pours tartar sauce on the Second Man Ray]''
:'''Patrick 2''': Wow! I've never eaten that much tartar sauce.
:'''Patrick 1''': Yes, you have.
:'''Patrick 2''': Well, it sure ain't sittin' right.
:'''Man Ray''': ''[laughs wickedly]'' Foolish mools. Once again, your buffoonery has given me victory! ''[blows up the tartar sauce can and laughs wickedly]'' Oh, I'm going to savor this. It's not every day I get to defeat Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy three times over! ''[is about to shoot two SpongeBobs, Patrick, two Old Mermaid Mans and Barnacle Boys but another time machine comes]''
:'''SpongeBob 2''': ''[He along with the second Patrick comes out of the machine]'' Patrick, don’t eat the tartar sauce!
:'''Man Ray''': You’re too late! Your fat friend beat you to it. Now, prepare to taste laser! ''[another time machine comes, which it opens, and the third SpongeBob and Patrick are falling, screaming]'' So how...
:'''SpongeBob 4''': ''[The time machine door with the fourth SpongeBob and Patrick]'' I told you we had to go back farther!
:'''Man Ray''': Uh... ''[Tries to think but another time machine comes]''
:'''Mermaid Man 3''': Up, up, and away! ''[The third Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy jump out and fall to the ground]''
:'''SpongeBob 5''': ''[another time machine opens with the fifth Patrick also]'' Now, Patrick! ''[He along with the fifth Patrick pour tartar sauce on the third Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy and drop the can on them]''
:'''Man Ray''': I can't get my head around this. Where are they all coming from? ''[Man Ray 2's machine comes]'' Another machine? ''[Man Ray 2 comes out]''
:'''Man Ray 2''': ''[shoots his own whole time machine and laughs wickedly]'' I took care of your blasted time machine! ''[laughs again and flies away]''
:'''Man Ray''': Uh! I got to sit down and think this through.
:'''Young Mermaid Man''': ''[chains Man Ray]'' Gotta! You've got plenty of time for thinking in the stony lonesome.
:'''Man Ray''': I'm sorry, did you say something? I'm still trying to comprehend what just happened here.
:'''Young Mermaid Man''': It's pretty simple, really. You were defeated by a convoy of continuum-cruising crime stoppers. Thank you, SpongeBob and Patrick.
:'''Four SpongeBobs and Two Patricks''': You're welcome!
:'''SpongeBob 6 and Patrick 6''': ''[another time machine which holds seven SpongeBobs and six Patricks comes]'' Oh, hi there! Hello! Hello! Hello!
:'''One Other Patrick''': Hey! Oh, I can't believe it!
:'''One Other SpongeBob''': We just wanted to come back and revisit the day that evil was defeated forever.
:'''SpongeBob 7''': ''[another time machine appears]'' Hey, how you doing?
:'''Patrick 7''': We're here.
:'''Eighth and Ninth SpongeBobs and Patricks''': ''[two time machines appear]'' Oh, hi there! How you doing?
:'''Tenth SpongeBob and Patrick''': Hello! Hello!
:'''Even More SpongeBobs and Patricks''': ''[more appear]'' Oh hi there! ''[More and more appear while the episode pans into outer space]'' Hello! Hello!

===''The Bad Guy Club for Villains (XVIII.II)''===
:'''Patrick''': Hey, what happened? Why are those squiggles on the screen?
:'''SpongeBob''': Those are called &quot;End Credits&quot;, Patrick.
:'''Patrick''': End credits? But I don't want it to end!
:'''SpongeBob''': That's why Neptune gave us the rewind button! ''[pushes a button]''
:'''Patrick''': Thank you, Neptune! ''[The screen goes back to the beginning and zooms in before the episode ends]''

==Episode 19==
===''A Day Without Tears (19.1)''===
:'''SpongeBob''': He was a good little Krabby Patty. [sniffs] I didn't know him well, but in the few short seconds between grill and floor, I--[opens the trash lid and begins crying]--I came to love him! [the patty slowly slides off his spatula and into the trash bin] It just isn't fair! [he cries even louder, soaking and enraging Squidward from the counter window]
:'''Squidward''': SpongeBob, will you stop crying?!
:'''SpongeBob''': But the Krabby Patty fell on the floor and then he...
:'''Squidward''': Krabby Patty nothing!
:'''SpongeBob''': I--
:'''Squidward''': ''[shouting]'' ''KRABBY PATTY '''NOTHING!!!!''''' ''[breathes heavily. SpongeBob whimpers]'' What now?
:'''SpongeBob''': ''[stifled]'' You yelled at me... ''[wailing]'' '''YOU YELLED AT ME!!!!!!!''''' ''[continues sobbing]''
:'''Squidward''': All right, look. So far today, and it's not even 2:00 yet, you have cried 43 times.
:'''SpongeBob''': And you wrote that number on a chalkboard.
:'''Squidward''': Yes!
:'''SpongeBob''': Why?
:'''Squidward''': [pauses for a second] I have no idea.
:'''SpongeBob''': Oh, Squidward, there's no way I cry that much. There's not that many tears in my brain.
:'''Squidward''': Au contraire. [turns on a TV]
:'''SpongeBob''': What's this?
:'''Squidward''': It's a quick montage of flashbacks I've edited together that shows the hundreds of tears you have cried over the years.
:''[the video begins to play, showing SpongeBob crying in the Krusty Krab, in a grocery store, at Mrs. Puff's Boating School, in Jellyfish Fields, in the bathroom, and more like near a bus stop for no reason]''
:'''SpongeBob''': [in the video] Boo! Hoo! Boohoo! Sob. Whimper.
:'''Narrator''': Thousands of tears later...
:''[SpongeBob continues to watch himself crying in the video]''
:'''SpongeBob''': Wow, guess I do cry a lot. I promise I won't cry anymore.
:'''Squidward''': Oh, nonsense! I bet you can't go the rest of the day without crying.
:'''SpongeBob''': [realizes something] Excuse me a minute. [he walks up to a rotary telephone and dials it, Patrick appears lazily sitting on his couch when his own phone rings]
:'''Patrick''': [answers it] Star... residence. Patrick speaking.
:'''SpongeBob''': Hey, Patrick.
:'''Patrick''': Hey, buddy! Is it 7:30 already?
:'''SpongeBob''': No, I'm still at work.
:'''Patrick''': How can I help you?
:'''SpongeBob''': Do you think that I could go the rest of the day without crying?
:'''Patrick''': [mouth full with popcorn] Well, of course you can.
:'''SpongeBob''': Okay, great, thanks, Patrick.
:'''Patrick''': Umm... sure. And did you remember to put that package outside where I told you?
:'''SpongeBob''': Yeah, but I left it in a different spot. Just ask Gary, he knows where it is.
:'''Patrick''': Oh, yeah. [laughs with his mouth full] Hey, good one, buddy. You almost had me there.
:'''SpongeBob''': [chuckles] Okay.
:'''Patrick''': Yeah, talk to you later.
:'''SpongeBob''': All right, see ya. [hangs up, then walks back up to Squidward] Okay, it's a bet.
:'''Squidward''': [shakes SpongeBob's hand] Fine. If you cry one tear before midnight, you have to... [thinks] Wash my bike, clean out my rain gutters, and do all my yard work for a year.
:'''SpongeBob''': Sounds fair to me. And if I make it to midnight without crying, you'll come to a slumber party at my place. Just you and me. [Squidward retches and swallows] Ooh, what's the matter?
:'''Squidward''': Um, nothing, I just threw up a little in my mouth. [begins talking in his thoughts] No need to worry, Squiddy. You've outdone yourself. He'll be crying in ten minutes.

===''Summer Job (19.2)''===

==Episode 20==
===''One Coarse Meal (20.1)''===
:'''Karen''': My triumphant husband returns. How'd you fail this time?
:'''Plankton''': Krabs had a whale!
:'''Karen''':  You mean his big, bad, scary teenage daughter?
:'''Plankton''': I hear that mocking tone in your voice, Karen, and I don't appreciate it! Don't you remember what happened to my ancestors at the hands of those beasts?!
:''[Plankton's family is shown being eaten by a whale]''
:'''Karen''': Okay, when you need a break from your delusional paranoia, the trash needs some attention. It's ripened.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Plankton''': ''[crying]'' What's the point of going on? I'll just be tortured for the rest of my life by that whale! ''[lies down]'' That's it. I'm done. The 4:15 bus should be along any time now.
:'''SpongeBob''': Hi, Plankton. What are you doing laying in the middle of the road?
:'''Plankton''': Go away, Cheese head! Can't you see I'm trying to get run over?! In fact, better yet, just step on me as hard as you can. Would you do that for me?
:'''SpongeBob''': I'm sorry, Plankton, but that flies in the face of my good nature.
:'''Plankton''': Forget it, kid. I'll just wait for the next bus. Go on back to the Krusty Krab and enjoy yourself.

===''Gary In Love (20.2)''===

==Episode 21==
===''The Play's the Thing (21.1)''===
:'''SpongeBob''': Squidward, no! Those patties aren't fit for public consumption!
:'''Squidward''': Here, enjoy!

&lt;hr width=60%&gt;
:'''SpongeBob''': ''[tries not to cry]'' Bless you all.
:'''Patrick''': I like throwing food. ''[chucks a burnt Krabby Patty at SpongeBob]''
:'''SpongeBob''': OW!!
:'''All''': ''FOOD FIGHT!!!!''

&lt;hr width=60%&gt;
:'''Squidward''': AAAAAHH!!!
:'''Patrick''': Haw haw! Ah haw haw! ''[hurls an anchor]''

===''Rodeo Daze (21.2)''===

==External links==

{{Wikipedia|SpongeBob SquarePants (season 7)}}

[[Category:SpongeBob SquarePants seasons]]
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:'''Seasons:'''  [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 1|1]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 2|2]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 3|3]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 4|4]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 5|5]] '''6''' [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 7|7]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 8|8]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 9|9]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 10|10]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 11|11]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 12|12]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 13|13]] ([[SpongeBob SquarePants|Main]]) | '''Movies''': [[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie]] / [[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water|Sponge Out of Water]] / [[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge on the Run|Sponge on the Run]] | '''Spin-offs:''' [[Kamp Koral: SpongeBob's Under Years|Kamp Koral]] / [[The Patrick Star Show]]
----
&lt;br&gt;
'''''[[w:SpongeBob_SquarePants|SpongeBob SquarePants]]''''' (1999-) is an animated TV series, airing on Nickelodeon about the adventures and endeavors of the title character and his various friends in the fictional underwater city of Bikini Bottom. It spawned three movies, followed by several short films, and video games.

==Cast==
*Tom Kenny as SpongeBob, Toilet, Guard #2, Narrator, Gary, DJ, Fish #1, Male Fish #3, Fish #40, Fish #3, Maestro, Announcer Fish, Fish #42, Fish #184, Fish #107, Fish #24, Announcer, Cop #1, Fish #37a, Motorcycle Fish, Pale Fish, Don, Fish #152, Fish #45, Villager, Surgeon, Judge B. Trout, Cowboy Student #2, Mailman, Fish #3, Pipsqueak, Girly Teengirl, Fish #4, Fish #1, Surfer Fish #41, Tower, Fish #155, Chip, Fish #40, Bert, Jeeves, Jellyfish, Fish #60, Champ #1, Robber, Card, TV Announcer, Cop, Trash Fish, Olaf #9, Ship Salesman, Crew Leader, Roger, Fire Fish, Customer #3, Customer #6, Show Announcer, Muisc Lover, Fish #37, Cop, Worm, Baby Worm, Garbage Fish, Sauce/T-199a, Reporter, Fish #41, Fish #40, Bell, Worm, Fish #40, Fish #1, Construction Fish, Worm, Passenger #2, Volleyball Fish, Architect, Bull, Gargoyle, Announcer, Fish, Fish #41, Hockey Fish, Announcer, Dad, Angry Fish, 50's Narrator, Theater Fish #1, Grocery Store Owner, Customer #1
*Bill Fagerbakke as Patrick, Rock House, Cop #1, Male Fish #1, Fish #42, Fish #4, Worker #2, Fish #41, Trucker, Fish #42, Sarcastic Fish, Farmer, Customer, Fish #24, Fish #2, Fish #27, Fish #106, Ex-Convict, Fish #107, Fish #158, Customer #5, Fish #106, Fish #41, Sandwich Fish, Male Streaker
*Rodger Bumpass as Squidward, Mailman, Worker #1, Squidward's Mother, Doctor, Troop Leader, Cop, Jogger Student #7, Officer, Charles, Hat Salesman, Customer #2, Fish #83, Delivery Fish, Fish #105, Fish #83, Fish #106
*Dee Bradley Baker as Squilliam, Billy, Newscaster, Construction Fish, Fish #2, Bus Driver, Sailor, Video Narrator, Fish #81, Fish #15, Fish #68, Cop #1, Dog, Kid Fish #67, Seahorse, Monster, Fish #41, Husband, Sandals, Australian Fish, Craig, Fish #155, Fish #41, Fish #152, Nat, Officer Franklin, Giant Thug Student #5, Scientist, Fish #1, Gonzalez, Health Inspector, TV Announcer, Boy in Movie #1, Old Geezer, Newscaster, Fish #17, Judge, Surfer Fish #37a, Awesome Eddie, The Big One, Fish #40, Clam, Appraiser, Bill, Fish #41, Perch Perkins, Exercise Girl, Referee, Quincy, Teller, Comic Fish, Fish #37a, Dale, Fish #40, King, Olaf #1, Olaf #4, Teacher, Monster, Leader, Eel, Cuttlefish, Phone, Prison Guard, Billy, Reporter, Employee Steve, Boy Fish, Guard, Wallet, Wallet Fish, Theater Fish #2, Kids, Captain, Stan, Weather Reporter
*Alton Brown as Nicholas Withers
*Mr. Lawrence as Plankton, Cop #1, Male Fish #2, Larry the Lobster, Driver, Fish #41, Fish #1, Fish #105, Fish #107, Fish #1, Citizen, Fish #106, Fish #107, Passenger #1, Lifeguard, Dude, Chum Customer #2
*Jill Talley as Karen, Female Fish #1, Female Fish #2, Woman Fish #1, Woman Fish #2, Woman Fish #1, Woman Fish #2, Little Girl Fish, Kid Fish #4, Wife, Woman #2, Fish #2, Mom Fish, Hideous Hair Fish, Fish #151, Dodo, Student #3, Student #8, Ice Cream Fish, Fish #49, Customer #4, Mabel, Fish #115, Pa Fish, Baby Fish, Bus Driver, Mom Fish, Mother-in-law
*Clancy Brown as Mr. Krabs, Brain, Fish in Car, Dude Fish, Peasant, Fish #1, Security, Big G., Fish #36, Fish #105, Champ #2, Tom, Customer #1, Chum Customer #2
*Sirena Irwin as Jennifer, Mom Fish, Lady Fish, Female Fish #3, Mama Krabs, Girl Fish, Mom Fish, Mom, Lady Fish #7, Girl Fish #14, Girl Fish #46, Woman #1, Mom, Woman #3, Student #4, Gramma, Fish #2, Lady, Fish #63, Monster, Girlfriend #8, Girlfriend #12, Judy, Female Fish #18, Official, Female Fish #6, Helga, Clerk, Woman Fish #1, Woman Fish #2, Matron, Fish #104, Fish #45, Lady Fish, Mom, Janice, Female Victim, Suzy, Mom
*Mary Jo Catlet as Mrs. Puff
*Mark Fite as Fish #92, Fish #114, Fish #46, Fish 14, Ski Fish, Student #1, Pirate Student #6, Johnson, Boy in Movie #2, Moustache, Cop #1, Twitch, Fish #37a, Employee, Bystander, Fish #60, Tissue Paper, Fish #42, Fish #114, Fish #1, Cameraman, Fish #40
*Carolyn Lawrence as Sandy, Bakery Fish
*Dean Kovanda as Fish #2
*Lori Alan as Pearl, Girlfriend #10, Girl in Movie
*Brian Doyle Murray as Flying Dutchman
*Bruce Brown as Narrator
*Davy Jones as Davy Jones
*Johnny Depp as Jack Kahuna Laguna
*Randy Brenner as Soprano
*Ernest Borgnine as Mermaid Man
*Bob Jules as Man Ray, Cop #2, Painty the Pirate
*Tim Conway as Barnacle Boy
*Ian McShane as Gordon
*Dennis Quaid as Grandpa RedBeard
*Dee Snider as Angry Jack
*Harrison Fahn as Kid Singer #1
*Elan Garfias as Kid Singer #2
*Caryn Johnson as Kid Singer #3
*John Cleese as Plankton

==Episode 1==
===&quot;House Fancy&quot; (1.1)===
:'''Patrick''': Who's Nick? Sorry, Squidward. I couldn't wait any longer, I've gotta use your toilet. No questions! Thanks ''[Enters the bathroom he groans and flushes the bathroom] [after using Squidward's toilet]'' Uff! I wouldn't go in there for a couple days... or weeks.

:'''Squidward''': All right, first, I'm going to give you something so simple, a person without a brain could even get it done right.
:'''SpongeBob''': Phew, that's good, 'cause I lent my brain to Patrick for the weekend.
:'''Squidward''': Really?
:'''SpongeBob''': No, not really... He traded me these two chocolate bars for it.
:'''Squidward''': I don't care! Just use this paint to cover up that faded spot on the wall right there. Don't touch anything else!

===&quot;Krabby Road&quot; (1.2)===
:'''Patrick''': All right, I play a mean belly ''(plays the belly as a drum to a tune called William Tell Overture and stops)''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''SpongeBob''': Hey, Plankton, can our first song go like this? ''[makes a loud bass sound]'' And then turn into one of those songs that goes… ''[makes a high pitched screech]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''SpongeBob''': ''(After spotting Plankton stealing the secret formula)'' Wait a minute… was this band just a front so you could steal the Krabby Patty Secret Formula?
:'''Plankton''': What? No, I was in it for the music, man!

==Episode 2==
===&quot;Penny Foolish&quot; (2.1)===
:'''Mr. Krabs''': Hello, and welcome to a very important evening. Tonight's event is entitled: Pennies, for the penny-less. And before the following images are shown, I would ask each of you to look not look with your eyes, but with your heart. ''[Mr. Krabs shows some images]'' 3 dimes ($0.30), 2 nickels ($0.20), 1 quarter ($0.25), 0 pennies. And since I realize the images seen here tonight may be wretchedly hideous, I am going to tell you what you can do to end this travesty. You can donate one penny to me: Mr. Krabs. Also known as: Mr. Krabs, the man who doesn't have one. ''[Mr. Krabs starts crying and SpongeBob is crying too]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mr. Krabs''': SpongeBob, I just wanted that penny you found on the street yesterday. Oh, I'm sorry.
:'''SpongeBob''': Mr. Krabs, that wasn't a penny. ''[laughs]''
:'''Mr. Krabs''': It wasn't?
:'''SpongeBob''': No, that was just a dried up piece of gum for my collection. I think it's peppermint.
:'''Mr. Krabs''': Ah ha ha ha ha hooooooooo hoo. I feel so relieved. There was no penny after all! Well, I'll be going now, You can keep the metal detector, SpongeBob. See ya!
:'''SpongeBob''': Thanks, Mr. Krabs. Hear, Gary. You can play with it. ''[Gary sniffs it, then blows raspberry at it, then walks away, the gum then absorbs it]'' Hey, this isn't gum (or a penny) at all. ''[pulls it out, revealing that it is a $500 bill]'' It's just a dumb old $500 bill. This won't go with my chewed up gum collection. Ah well, good night, Gary.
:'''Mr Krabs''': ''(digging some holes)'' Penny, must have buried it around here somewhere. I'll just have to keep digging.

===&quot;Nautical Novice&quot; (2.2)===
:'''SpongeBob''': I assure you, I am well rested and ready to learn. Who knows, Mrs. Puff? Before the day is out you may have learned something yourself. ''[Mrs. Puff smells SpongeBob's odor and sprays &quot;Shower in a Can&quot; on him and he smells better]'' Hey, Mrs. Puff?
:'''Mrs. Puff''': Yes, SpongeBob?
:'''SpongeBob''': I made this for you.
:'''Mrs. Puff''': Made what?
:'''SpongeBob''': ''[holds out a model of a tiny boat]'' This, the H.M.S. Pinafore, at 1 to 8,427 scale of course.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mrs. Puff''': Good thing you studied.

==Episode 3==
===&quot;Spongicus&quot; (3.1)===
:'''Plankton''': Welcome one and all, to the first biannual big arena of annihilation! ''[everyone cheers]''
:'''Patrick''': All right! ''[Patrick is about to eat a sausage, when the lionfish growls at him, Plankton laughs]''
:'''Plankton''': That pink dimwit doesn't stand a chance with those sausages around his throat! As soon as the smell of sausage hits that ravenous lionfish's nostrils, he'll be all over Patrick like mold on a shower curtain!
:'''Betsy Krabs''': Boring! [throws a tomato at the ground] I want to see some body parts!
:'''Plankton''': This is ridiculous! I order a simple brutal mauling for my denizens, and I get a circus act!
:'''Sadie''': Ten dollars?! Why would I pay ten dollars, when I can go across the street and get a Krabby Patty for one dollar?
:'''Plankton''': Now, I've been waiting for 20 years to have the amount of customers Krabs sees everyday! And I won't let that be ruined because the show's &quot;boring,&quot; or the food's &quot;inedible.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mr. Krabs''': Ahem, perhaps you'd like to speak to our financial expert. ''[&quot;financial expert&quot; is the lionfish that was chasing Plankton, Scooter is scared, and gives Mr. Krabs $10]''
:'''Scooter''': ''[muttering]'' Stupid inflation.
:'''Mr. Krabs''': Thanks for your business. ''[everyone laughs, they then stop and walk away, the lion then growls, and the episode ends]''

===&quot;Suction Cup Symphony&quot; (3.2)===
:'''Squidward''': ''(looking at his essay with a triumphant but sleepless face)'' I've done it, I've finally finished it ''(kisses the essay and laughs)'' I did it, I did it! ''(runs out of his house in an ecstatic delirium)''
----
:'''Squidward''': Patrick, what are you doing here?
:'''Patrick''': I don't know. ''(He smiles wanly)'' I'm funny.
----
'''Fish''': ''(seeing an anchor dropped onto Patrick's leg)'' That's gonna leave a mark.

==Episode 4==
===&quot;Not Normal&quot; (4.1)===
:'''Customer 1''': Ugh. That ain't right. I will never spend money here again!
:'''Mr. Krabs''': Never?
:'''Customer 2''': Come on, guys. These patties ain't worth the paper they're printed on!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Patrick''': SpongeBob, the weird therapy is working. Your craters are coming back. We just have to keep pushing the boundaries. We've gotta get stranger. ''[Cuts to Jellyfish Fields where SpongeBob is riding on Patrick's back like a horse and catches a jellyfish in the net. Another crater comes back. Cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick licking the sand and as SpongeBob is licking, his nose grows back to normal size. Cuts to Patrick and SpongeBob standing on their hands]'' Talk backwards.
:'''SpongeBob''': Tap, erus uoy era? (Are you sure, Pat?) ''[SpongeBob's legs and arms are back to normal]''
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
:'''Squidward''': ''[Patrick's rock begins to open]'' It's me, Squidward. I'm looking for SpongeBob. ''[Squidward is in a normal state]'' Hi, how are ya? ''[SpongeBob is so scared and shocked at how Squidward looks that he screams himself back into his regular self]''
:'''Patrick''': SpongeBob, you're back to your square shape.
:'''SpongeBob''': Wow, I guess Squidward's normal looks scared me back to my original form. Thanks, buddy, you saved my life.
:'''Normal Squidward''': Wonderful weather we're having, hm?
:'''SpongeBob''': It sure is, buddy. It sure is. ''[he and Patrick laugh whilst the episode ends]''

===&quot;Gone&quot; (4.2)===
:'''Patrick''': Yeah. Everyone needs at least one day away from... ''(laughs like SpongeBob imitating his face)''

==Episode 5==
===&quot;The Splinter&quot; (5.1)===
:'''Squidward''': ''[same tone]'' The spatula... TIED TO YOUR NOSE!!
:'''SpongeBob''': Ohhh, this! ''[explains quickly]'' Well, you see, this got stuck up there so I stacked stuff and I climbed up to reach it. I reached it and grabbed it. I got it but then I fell and I screamed! I was sure I was dead but then I wasn't but then I tripped and I got this splinter and...Squidward? Squidward, were you listening at all? I got this really bad splinter, you see? And I couldn't hold the spatula with my hand so I used my nose. Makes sense now, huh?
:'''Squidward''': ''[sarcastic]'' Oh, yeah, that makes perfect sense. You're a half-wit who injured himself at work being a nitwit.
:'''SpongeBob''': ''[laughs]'' Good one, Squiddy.
:'''Squidward''': ''[grumbles]'' Injury. Your brain is injured! ''[gets an idea]'' Wait a minute. Did you say that you got that splinter injury at work?

===&quot;Slide Whistle Stooges&quot; (5.2)===
:'''SpongeBob''': You see, Squidward! Slide whistling can add a little zest to the humdrum of everyday life.
:'''Squidward''': I don't need zest! I need you out of my lampshade! ''[Squidward jumps onto the table to get them out, but they're not there. SpongeBob appears with the slide whistle effect behind a plant]'' Get out of there! ''[SpongeBob floats through the air with the slide whistle noise and out the door. SpongeBob and Patrick are spinning around the circular windows]'' Just get out of there! ''[They land onto his paintings and become the shape of his head(s)]'' Okay, that's enough! You've had your fun.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''SpongeBob''': Wow Squidward, listen to you! You're getting better already! Here we'll help. ''[he and Patrick raise their slide whistles... they go around the hospital playing the slide whistle to CPR, a guy on a ventilator, and Gill Gilliam stitching Nat up]''

==Episode 6==
===&quot;A Life in a Day&quot; (6.1)===
:'''Patrick''': LIVING LIKE LARRY!!!

===[[w:Sun Bleached (SpongeBob SquarePants episode)|&quot;Sun Bleached&quot; (6.2)]]===
:'''Patrick''': ''[sprays dirt with a water hose then dips SpongeBob who is sun bleached and horribly dry, into a puddle of mud, wipes the mud away from his eyes, puts two slabs of jerky for SpongeBob's buck teeth, then rips out his own armpit hair]'' AAHHHH!! AAH-AHH-AAAHH!! ''[instantly turns calm, then places the armpit hair onto SpongeBob's head, then gives SpongeBob a mirror]'' See?
:'''SpongeBob''': ''[screams, horrified]'' I... look... ''[adoring voice]'' Amaaaziiing.
:'''SpongeBob''': No, Patrick I... ''[notices the people staring at him. He laughs nervously, then the caramel cracks, which reveals some light. All gasp, then the caramel breaks]''
:'''Frankie''': So, bright!
:'''Sally''': Honey, look away! ''[Frankie's eyes melt. SpongeBob laughs nervously]''
:'''Fred''': Nice Job!
:'''Harold''': ''[Australian accent]''  Your hideously white skin just ruined the party. I mean look at you! Do you hug your mother with that skin?

==Episode 7==
===&quot;Giant Squidward&quot; (7.1)===
:'''Patrick''': ''[about Squidward's kelp flowers, with a soft tone]'' They're preeeeeeettyyy! ''[Squidward shrieks]''
:'''Squidward''': Patrick!
:'''SpongeBob''': And SpongeBob!
:'''Squidward''': What are you two doing here?
:'''SpongeBob''': Patrick is helping me to do good deeds today, like trimming your kelp garden! ''[points to Patrick, who takes a large bite out of the kelp, then burps]''
:'''Squidward''': ''[Yells]'' '''STOP EATING MY KELP!!!''' ''[shoves Patrick and SpongeBob]''
:'''Patrick''': Okay, okay, geez! I try to help a fellow out. I'll just have to eat this ice cream cone instead!
:'''Squidward''': Oh! Do you like to eat ice cream, Patrick?
:'''Patrick''': Hmmmmmm... yeah.
:'''Squidward''': Then have some more! ''[sprays the ice cream]''
:'''Patrick''': ''[falls over when the ice cream gets bigger]'' Whoa! Oof!
:'''Squidward''': Ha, ha, ha! Still want that ice cream?
:'''Patrick''': Boy I do! Thanks, Squidward! Want some, SpongeBob? Last one to the cone is a rotten clam!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Squidward''': ''[bonks SpongeBob on the head]'' HEY! Look what you did to me! If you don't fix my nose, you'll hear from my lawyer!
:'''SpongeBob''': Are you sure?
:'''Patrick''': Yeah! You'll be ugly again!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''SpongeBob''': Good deed accomplished! I ask for no reward.
:'''Patrick''': You're a saint, SpongeBob! A SAINT!
:'''SpongeBob''': I know, and it is a burden I must carry.

===&quot;No Nose Knows&quot; (7.2)===
:'''Patrick''': ''(with huge ears)'' I HEAR THAT!
:'''Squidward''': What are you doing with my cheese?
:'''Patrick''': It's rotten garbage now. [throws it in the garbage, then blasts it with a rocket launcher] That's better.
:'''Squidward''': That was my cheese. It's supposed to smell like that, kelp for brains!

==Episode 8==
===&quot;Patty Caper&quot; (8.1)===
:'''SpongeBob''': Mr. Krabs, isn't... ''that'' the stolen secret ingredient?
:'''Mr. Krabs''': Uh, what are you talking about, SpongeBob? I'm not holding any secret ingredient. ''[holds it out, then hides it]''
:'''Policeman''': You might want to stand that you stole the item in question?
:'''Mr. Krabs''': Well, I wouldn't call it stealing.
:'''Policeman''': And you were going to let someone else take the fall for this little caper?
:'''Mr. Krabs''': I can explain!
:'''Policeman''': Please do.
:'''Mr. Krabs''': It's simple, $1.99 is a lot to pay for the secret ingredient every time I get a delivery, so I... s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s... took it... to avoid paying, you know.
:'''Policeman''': I think Judge Trout will be very interested to hear this little story. ''[handcuffs him]''
:'''Mr. Krabs''': What, what'd I do? ''[cuts to the court house]''
:'''Judge''': All rise. Eugene Krabs.
:'''Mr. Krabs''': Your honor...?
:'''Judge''': As punishment for committing the crime of grand theft, I sentence you to give away Krabby Patties for free... all day tommorow.
:'''Mr. Krabs''': Give away me Patties for free? Oh no, I couldn't bear the sight of that. ''[cuts to next day at the Krusty Krab, and Mr. Krabs is screaming]''
:'''SpongeBob''': Step right up, and get your free Krabby Patties! ''[When SpongeBob gives away free Krabby Patties, the 2 policemen holds Mr. Krabs still while he is crying, then the policemen laugh.]''

===&quot;Plankton's Regular&quot; (8.2)===

:'''Mr. Krabs''': ♪ ''Rolling, rolling, rolling! Money keeps on rolling along!'' ♪ ''[playing bowling with money]'' 1 more time! ''[notices Plankton]'' No way, Plankton! You're not getting me formula this time or any time! ''[throws him on the counter, then gets a spoon, and crushes him]''
:'''Plankton''': Don't bother. There's no need.
:'''Mr. Krabs''': What are you talking about?
:'''Plankton''': ''[slides out of the spoon]'' I'm just saying I no longer need to copy you, Krabs. I've got my own winning recipe now.
:'''Mr. Krabs''': ''[laughs]'' You're really funny man! You think you can compete with me? Look Plankton, look at all these loyal customers. Loyal to me, Plankton, not to you!
:'''Nat''': Hey, Plankton, can I get another one of your delicious Chum Sticks?
:'''Plankton''': But of course, loyal customer. ''[hops out of Mr. Krabs' hands, onto Nat's hand]'' I'll see you later, loser. Much later! ''[laughs]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Plankton''': Nat, back all ready? That's the fifth time today. Not that I'm surprised. Karen, babe, fetch Nat another plate of that sweet chum.
:'''Karen''': Yes, Your Diminutiveness. ''[goes in the kitchen]''
:'''Plankton''': Say, Nat, do you have any friends?
:''Nat''': Nope.
:'''Plankton''': ''[sings a little, then laughs]'' Would you hurry up with that chum, Karen?!
:'''SpongeBob''': ''[imitating Karen]'' Yeah, yeah, yeah. Keep your tiny pants on, Plankton. Bleep, bloop. ''[throws a Krabby Patty]'' There's your chum, bleep blap blop.
:'''Nat''': Hey, this doesn't look like chum.
:'''Plankton''': And that doesn't look like Karen!
:'''SpongeBob''': ''[looks like Karen]'' Why, don't be ridiculous, my husband. Bleep, blap. Of course it's me.
:'''Plankton''': What have you done with Karen, you brute?!
:''[Karen is taped up in the kitchen]''
:'''Nat''': How many times do I have to tell you? ''[throws the Krabby Patty away]'' I don't want to eat your trash! Plankton's chum is my favorite breakfast, lunch, and dinner! I love chum, so forget it! I don't want to eat anything else!
:'''SpongeBob''': ''[returns to normal, and speaks in normal voice]'' So you're saying that you love chum? And all that you ever eat is chum?
:'''Nat''': Yeah! Th-that's right!
:'''SpongeBob''': Interesting.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Karen''': Call it a computer's intuition, but I sense your regular approaching, with an unusually large wad of cash.
:'''Mr. Krabs''': Look at all that loot!
:'''Plankton''': That's right, Krabs, and you're going to have to keep looking when my customer comes in and pays me for my chum!
:'''Mr. Krabs''': D'oh, just put me out of me misery!
:''[Nat walks in, angered]''
:'''Plankton''': Back for more of my delicious chum, I see!
:'''Nat''': Not this time!
:'''Plankton and Mr. Krabs''': Huh?
:'''Nat''': Not ever again! ''[throws all the money at Karen''] The deal's off, computer! I can't eat another bite of that slop, no matter how much you pay me!
:'''Plankton''': Ha-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba… Huh?
:'''Nat''': I have eaten 10 of those things, and I've all ready had to go to the doctor... twice! ''[groans in pain]'' If you need me, I'll be getting my stomach pumped... again. [gets carried out]''
:'''Plankton''': What's the deal, Karen?
:'''Karen''': &quot;The deal&quot; was that I paid Nat to eat your chum, so you'd quit your constant complaining.
:'''Plankton''': All this time, I never had 1 regular customer?
:'''Karen''': Duh.
:'''Plankton''': Should have known! Why would anyone ever eat my slop?
:'''Karen''': Uhh, there he goes again. Cut it out, Plankton!
:'''Plankton''': What? It's just obvious that I'm a complete failure, and wasted of a lower life form! Oh, woe is me! ''[cries]''
:'''SpongeBob''': Quickly, now is the time to make a hasty retreat!
:'''Mr. Krabs''': What, and miss this? I've never enjoyed me self more! This irony is pretty good stuff. ''[laughs]''

==Episode 9==
===&quot;Boating Buddies&quot; (9.1)===

:'''SpongeBob''': Didn't you used to have one of those cucumber bicycles?
:'''Squidward''': Oh. ''[laughs]'' That was a recumbent bicycle, and I sold it.
:'''SpongeBob''': Why?
:'''Squidward''': So, I could get further away from you! ''[rushes off]''
:'''SpongeBob''': Okay, I'll see you later then, Squidward.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

===&quot;The Krabby Kronicle&quot; (9.2)===

:'''Gym Teacher''': Out, out, out!
:'''Larry''': Hey, what's the big idea?
:'''Gym Teacher''': ''This! [shows him the newspaper]''
:'''Larry''': ''[reading]'' &quot;Larry the Loser gets beaten up by (a) pipsqueak&quot;? ''[stops reading]'' But, but, but–
:'''Gym Teacher''': No &quot;buts&quot;! I can't have a wimp like you destroying my gym's reputation! You're banned forever! ''[throws him out, then SpongeBob walks up]''
:'''SpongeBob''': Hello, Larry.
:'''Larry''': Not now, SpongeBob. Let me take in the fact that my life is ruined!
:'''SpongeBob''': &quot;Ruined&quot;? What are you talking about?
:'''Larry''': These lies someone wrote about me. ''[shows him the paper, and SpongeBob gasps]''
:''[Scene cuts to the Krusty Krab.]''
:'''Mr. Krabs''': Thanks for your business, and here's your paper. ''[hands fish the paper]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Plankton''': Oh, Karen! I think this is it! The Chum Stick that's finally gonna drive Krabs out of business!
:'''Health Inspector''': I think not. I'm Health Inspector Yellowtail. I'm officially closing down your restaurant.
:'''Plankton''': Why? I haven't done anything.
:'''Health Inspector''': That's not what this says. ''[shows Plankton the paper]''
:'''Plankton''': ''[reading]'' &quot;Plankton's chum made of your chums! The Chum Bucket serves your friends in more ways than one!&quot;? ''[stops reading]'' What?! ''[the health inspector locks down the Chum Bucket]'' Who's to blame for this? Who?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Sandy''': Sorry, fellars, this is a private treedome.
:'''Dennis''': I had no idea it talked. ''[to Sandy]'' Don't worry, we're from the Neptunian Science Committee, and we've come to confiscate all your science awards. Haven't you read today's headlines? ''[holds up newspaper]''
:'''Fish 2''': It can't even read. Why are you...?
:'''Sandy''': Oh, give me that! ''[reading]'' &quot;Sandy Cheeks or Sandy Chump? Bushy tailed braniac really a slow-witted squirrel, by... SpongeBob SquarePants&quot;? ''[stops reading]'' That yellow sidewinder thinks he can do that to me!?
:'''Dennis''': Oh, boy. We better scram! The dumb ones are always the most violent!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''SpongeBob''': Mr. Krabs, I can't write these stories anymore.
:'''Mr. Krabs''': Come on, that's a bunch of hooey!
:'''SpongeBob''': I've seen people's lives ruined... with my own eyes!
:'''Mr. Krabs''': People want wild juicy stories! That's what sells! Now I want your little yellow noggin, to come up with the wildest story ever! One that'll top all the others!
:'''SpongeBob''': Gee Mr. Krabs, I've written about everybody in town. Any ideas, sir?
:'''Mr. Krabs''': Surprise me! Give me a shocker! ''[throws him in his chair]'' Good night, boy. I'll check on you tomorrow morning, and remember, the wildest story ever! ''(leaves)''
:'''SpongeBob''': Oh, &quot;the wildest story ever&quot;, huh? ''[starts writing/typing, then cuts to the next day where the paper's are being printed, and Mr. Krabs runs in]''
:'''Mr. Krabs''': How's it going, lad?
:'''SpongeBob''': ''[turns around, and he is very tired]''
:'''SpongeBob''': Ahh-ahh, it's a surprise.
:'''Mr. Krabs''': Excellent! We're gonna sell out in no time! We'll have to do another printing. ''[runs outside, and there is an angry mob]'' Huh?
:'''Martha''': Taskmaster!
:'''Mr. Krabs''': What's going on?
:'''Martha''': You should know! ''[shows him the newspaper]''
:'''Mr. Krabs''': ''[reading]'' &quot;Krabs overworks employees, reaps reward!? Krabby Kronicle mastermind behind bogus stories pays his tired, under-age reporter pennies while he rakes in the dough!&quot;?
:'''Martha''': How could you do that to such an innocent child?! This is sick and inhumane!
:'''Sandy''': Not to mention the fact that he's written lies about us!
:'''Plankton''': I lost my restaurant because of you, and I thought ''I'' was evil.
:'''Larry''': All the kids in town want to beat me up for lunch money! ''[cries]''
:'''Mrs. Puff''': And I've had to go back to watching... ''[starts to cry]'' ...Daytime television!
:'''Martha''': Oh, that's it! We're taking our money back! ''[everyone runs in, and takes bags of money while leaving a trail of destruction]''
:'''Mr. Krabs''': No! AAAAAAHHHHH!!! ''[starts to cry]''
:'''SpongeBob''': Mr. Krabs, are you okay?
:'''Mr. Krabs''': How can I be okay when me money's gone?! All gone! ''[cries then sighs]'' It just goes to show, trying to make an easy buck doesn't pay. ''[notices the printing press]'' Or does it? ''[puts a dollar in the printing press, and turns it on, which makes sheets of paper with just pictures of money]'' Get me some scissors, boy-o! It's time to use my imagination!
:'''Patrick''': ''[while wearing fancy clothes]'' Hey, guys. Could you fix me and the wife up a couple of Krabby Patties? ''[his &quot;wife&quot; is the pole as described in the newspaper earlier]''

==Episode 10==
===&quot;The Slumber Party&quot; (10.1)===
:'''SpongeBob''': You wanna stay here... at my house... with MEEEEEEE?!?
:'''Mr. Krabs''': Whaddya say, boy? ''[SpongeBob rockets up in excitement]''
:'''SpongeBob''': Yee-hee! Slumber party!
:'''Mr. Krabs''': Maybe I should just sleep under the highway. ''[Afterwards, SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs get into some sleeping bags and lie down near the TV]''
:'''SpongeBob''': We can stay up really, really late! And tell ghost stories and trade socks! ''[He shows Mr. Krabs his socks]''
:'''Mr. Krabs''': Is that what girls do at slumber parties?
:'''SpongeBob''': No. They invite boys over and destroy the house!
:'''Mr. Krabs''': They what?!
:'''SpongeBob''': You know how girls are.
:'''Mr. Krabs''': Uh, SpongeBob, do you know anything about girls?
:'''SpongeBob''': ''[laughs]'' Do I know any...? No, but Gary does. ''[We see Gary reading a magazine, also holding the remote]''
:'''Gary''': Meow. [flicks on TV]''
:'''TV Announcer''': We now return to tonight’s scary movie: Slumber Party Zombie Attack! ''[In the movie, some girls are having a slumber party]''
:'''Girl Fish''': Pillow fight! ''[Girls fight and giggle. A pillow is thrown into a vase and picture frame]'' Missed me!
:'''Mr. Krabs''': ''[Gasp]'' Look what they’re doing to that man’s house!
:'''SpongeBob''': But, Mr. Krabs, it’s only a mov-ieeeeeeeeee...

===&quot;Grooming Gary&quot; (10.2)===
:'''SpongeBob''': You were trying to tell me that all along Weren't you, Gary?
:'''Gary''': Meow, meow!
:'''SpongeBob''': Well, I won't let it happen again.
:'''Judge''': Well, I think we can all agree that this year’s groomers cup goes to... SpongeBob and his wonderful pet!
:'''SpongeBob''': Did you hear that, Gary? They're rewarding you for standing up and speaking out against injustice. Maybe these pageants aren't so superficial after all.
:'''Judge''': What are you talking about? The snail didn't win, I was referring to your other pet. He's so adorable. ''[Patrick...?]''
:'''Patrick''': Woof, woof! ''[sticks his tongue out]''

==[[w:SpongeBob SquarePants vs. The Big One|&quot;SpongeBob SquarePants vs. The Big One&quot; (Episode 11)]]==
:'''Mr. Krabs''': Where are your shoes? You're not going section 8 on me, are you?
:'''SpongeBob''': It's so hot, my shoes... my shoes melted off.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''J.K.L.''': ''[repeated line]'' Just keep breathin'.

==Episode 12==
===&quot;Porous Pockets&quot; (12.1)===
:'''SpongeBob''': Good idea coming here, Patrick!
:'''Patrick''': That’s my specialty.
:'''SpongeBob''': Having good ideas?
:'''Patrick''': No, being called Patrick.

===&quot;Choir Boys&quot; (12.2)===
:''[Squidward doesn't use the toilet, making it sad]''
:'''Toilet Paper''': Don't feel bad. He didn't use me yesterday either.
----
:'''SpongeBob''': Squidward? Where are you going, all dressed up?
:'''Squidward''': None of your business!
:'''SpongeBob''': Can I come?
:'''Squidward''': And no, You Can't.
:'''SpongeBob''': Are you going to a fancy store?
:'''Squidward''': No.
:'''SpongeBob''': A fancy party?
:'''Squidward''': No!
:'''SpongeBob''': A hot fancy pants date?
:'''Squidward''': NO!
:'''SpongeBob''': Can I come, can I come, can I come, can I come, can I come, can I come, can I come, can I come, can I come, can I come, can I come, can I come?
:'''Squidward''': No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, NO! Does that answer your questions?
:'''SpongeBob''': All except for that last one.

==Episode 13==
===&quot;Krusty Krushers&quot; (13.1)===
:'''Mr. Krabs''': Like we're really gonna turn all this money for--
:'''SpongeBob and Patrick''': Wrestle Camp! Wrestle Camp, Wrestle Camp, Wrestle Camp!
:'''Perch Perkins''': Wrestle Camp it is. ''[The janitor vacuums up all the money and Mr. Krabs falls apart, then the janitor walks away]''
:'''SpongeBob''': See you at Wrestle Camp, Mr. Krabs! ''[He drops a wrestle camp hat on Mr. Krabs and the episode ends.]''

===&quot;The Card&quot; (13.2)===
:'''SpongeBob''': [gasps] THE SUPER RARE AND PRICELESS MERMAIDMAN AND BARNACLEBOY TRADING CARD! Patrick, Where is It, Where is it? Damn, Neptune, You Did Not Put That In Your Pocket, Did You?
——————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————
:'''Patrick''': SpongeBob, you can't always expect my usual brand of stupidity. I like to mix it up. Keep you on your toes.

==Episode 14==
===&quot;Dear Vikings&quot; (14.1)===

===&quot;Ditchin'&quot; (14.2)===

==Episode 15==
===&quot;Grandpappy the Pirate&quot; (15.1)===

===&quot;Cephalopod Lodge&quot; (15.2)===

==Episode 16==
===&quot;Squid's Visit&quot; (16.1)===

===&quot;To SquarePants or Not to SquarePants&quot; (16.2)===

==Episode 17==
===&quot;Shuffleboarding&quot; (17.1)===
''[a man is shown chewing his gum; gum bubble pops]''
:'''Patrick''': You're chewing too loud!
''[Patrick throws him in jail; a man with untied shoes is shown]''
:'''SpongeBob''': Shoes untied!
''[SpongeBob throws him in jail; an old woman is shown]''
:'''Patrick''': You're too old!
''[Patrick throws her in jail, which has lots of people]''

'' [The jail explodes. People land everywhere and some of them say “My leg!”] ''

===&quot;Professor Squidward&quot; (17.2)===
:'''Music Headmistress''': The real Squiliam as we all know has a large bushy unibrow just at the base of his forehead.
:'''Squidward''': But... ''(A police officer rips off Squidward's Wig)''
:'''Police Officer''': No unibrow. Squidward Q. Tentacles, i'm placing you under arrest for impersonating a genius.

==External links==
{{Wikipedia|SpongeBob SquarePants (season 6)}}
* [http://www.nick.com/all_nick/tv_supersites/SpongeBob/bobintro.html?_requestid=197154 Nick.com] &amp;ndash; Official site
* [http://www.nickelodeon.com.au/fuckynick/tvshows/shows/index.php?show_id=31_requestedid=197154 Nick Australia] &amp;ndash; The Nick Shack
* [http://www.en.spongepedia.bimserver.com SpongePedia] &amp;ndash; A SpongeBob Wiki from [[w:Wikia|Wikia]]
* [http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0206512/quotes SpongeBob SquarePants Quotes] on IMDB

[[Category:SpongeBob SquarePants]]
[[Category:SpongeBob SquarePants seasons]]</text>
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:'''Seasons:'''  [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 1|1]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 2|2]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 3|3]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 4|4]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 5|5]] '''6''' [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 7|7]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 8|8]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 9|9]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 10|10]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 11|11]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 12|12]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 13|13]] ([[SpongeBob SquarePants|Main]]) | '''Movies''': [[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie]] / [[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water|Sponge Out of Water]] / [[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge on the Run|Sponge on the Run]] | '''Spin-offs:''' [[Kamp Koral: SpongeBob's Under Years|Kamp Koral]] / [[The Patrick Star Show]]
----
&lt;br&gt;
'''''[[w:SpongeBob_SquarePants|SpongeBob SquarePants]]''''' (1999-) is an animated TV series, airing on Nickelodeon about the adventures and endeavors of the title character and his various friends in the fictional underwater city of Bikini Bottom. It spawned three movies, followed by several short films, and video games.

==Cast==
*Tom Kenny as SpongeBob, Toilet, Guard #2, Narrator, Gary, DJ, Fish #1, Male Fish #3, Fish #40, Fish #3, Maestro, Announcer Fish, Fish #42, Fish #184, Fish #107, Fish #24, Announcer, Cop #1, Fish #37a, Motorcycle Fish, Pale Fish, Don, Fish #152, Fish #45, Villager, Surgeon, Judge B. Trout, Cowboy Student #2, Mailman, Fish #3, Pipsqueak, Girly Teengirl, Fish #4, Fish #1, Surfer Fish #41, Tower, Fish #155, Chip, Fish #40, Bert, Jeeves, Jellyfish, Fish #60, Champ #1, Robber, Card, TV Announcer, Cop, Trash Fish, Olaf #9, Ship Salesman, Crew Leader, Roger, Fire Fish, Customer #3, Customer #6, Show Announcer, Muisc Lover, Fish #37, Cop, Worm, Baby Worm, Garbage Fish, Sauce/T-199a, Reporter, Fish #41, Fish #40, Bell, Worm, Fish #40, Fish #1, Construction Fish, Worm, Passenger #2, Volleyball Fish, Architect, Bull, Gargoyle, Announcer, Fish, Fish #41, Hockey Fish, Announcer, Dad, Angry Fish, 50's Narrator, Theater Fish #1, Grocery Store Owner, Customer #1, Phorkys, Customer, Fish #1, Spectator, Passenger
*Bill Fagerbakke as Patrick, Rock House, Cop #1, Male Fish #1, Fish #42, Fish #4, Worker #2, Fish #41, Trucker, Fish #42, Sarcastic Fish, Farmer, Customer, Fish #24, Fish #2, Fish #27, Fish #106, Ex-Convict, Fish #107, Fish #158, Customer #5, Fish #106, Fish #41, Sandwich Fish, Male Streaker, Fish #3
*Rodger Bumpass as Squidward, Mailman, Worker #1, Squidward's Mother, Doctor, Troop Leader, Cop, Jogger Student #7, Officer, Charles, Hat Salesman, Customer #2, Fish #83, Delivery Fish, Fish #105, Fish #83, Fish #106, Angel Fish, Bus Driver
*Dee Bradley Baker as Squilliam, Billy, Newscaster, Construction Fish, Fish #2, Bus Driver, Sailor, Video Narrator, Fish #81, Fish #15, Fish #68, Cop #1, Dog, Kid Fish #67, Seahorse, Monster, Fish #41, Husband, Sandals, Australian Fish, Craig, Fish #155, Fish #41, Fish #152, Nat, Officer Franklin, Giant Thug Student #5, Scientist, Fish #1, Gonzalez, Health Inspector, TV Announcer, Boy in Movie #1, Old Geezer, Newscaster, Fish #17, Judge, Surfer Fish #37a, Awesome Eddie, The Big One, Fish #40, Clam, Appraiser, Bill, Fish #41, Perch Perkins, Exercise Girl, Referee, Quincy, Teller, Comic Fish, Fish #37a, Dale, Fish #40, King, Olaf #1, Olaf #4, Teacher, Monster, Leader, Eel, Cuttlefish, Phone, Prison Guard, Billy, Reporter, Employee Steve, Boy Fish, Guard, Wallet, Wallet Fish, Theater Fish #2, Kids, Captain, Stan, Weather Reporter, Billy, Baby Triton, Kid Triton
*Alton Brown as Nicholas Withers
*Mr. Lawrence as Plankton, Cop #1, Male Fish #2, Larry the Lobster, Driver, Fish #41, Fish #1, Fish #105, Fish #107, Fish #1, Citizen, Fish #106, Fish #107, Passenger #1, Lifeguard, Dude, Chum Customer #2
*Jill Talley as Karen, Female Fish #1, Female Fish #2, Woman Fish #1, Woman Fish #2, Woman Fish #1, Woman Fish #2, Little Girl Fish, Kid Fish #4, Wife, Woman #2, Fish #2, Mom Fish, Hideous Hair Fish, Fish #151, Dodo, Student #3, Student #8, Ice Cream Fish, Fish #49, Customer #4, Mabel, Fish #115, Pa Fish, Baby Fish, Bus Driver, Mom Fish, Mother-in-law
*Clancy Brown as Mr. Krabs, Brain, Fish in Car, Dude Fish, Peasant, Fish #1, Security, Big G., Fish #36, Fish #105, Champ #2, Tom, Customer #1, Chum Customer #2, Soothsayer
*Sirena Irwin as Jennifer, Mom Fish, Lady Fish, Female Fish #3, Mama Krabs, Girl Fish, Mom Fish, Mom, Lady Fish #7, Girl Fish #14, Girl Fish #46, Woman #1, Mom, Woman #3, Student #4, Gramma, Fish #2, Lady, Fish #63, Monster, Girlfriend #8, Girlfriend #12, Judy, Female Fish #18, Official, Female Fish #6, Helga, Clerk, Woman Fish #1, Woman Fish #2, Matron, Fish #104, Fish #45, Lady Fish, Mom, Janice, Female Victim, Suzy, Mom, Lady, Fish #2, Grandma, Spectator #2, Fish #2
*Mary Jo Catlet as Mrs. Puff
*Mark Fite as Fish #92, Fish #114, Fish #46, Fish 14, Ski Fish, Student #1, Pirate Student #6, Johnson, Boy in Movie #2, Moustache, Cop #1, Twitch, Fish #37a, Employee, Bystander, Fish #60, Tissue Paper, Fish #42, Fish #114, Fish #1, Cameraman, Fish #40
*Carolyn Lawrence as Sandy, Bakery Fish
*Dean Kovanda as Fish #2
*Lori Alan as Pearl, Girlfriend #10, Girl in Movie
*Brian Doyle Murray as Flying Dutchman
*Bruce Brown as Narrator
*Davy Jones as Davy Jones
*Johnny Depp as Jack Kahuna Laguna
*Randy Brenner as Soprano
*Ernest Borgnine as Mermaid Man
*Bob Jules as Man Ray, Cop #2, Painty the Pirate
*Tim Conway as Barnacle Boy
*Ian McShane as Gordon
*Dennis Quaid as Grandpa RedBeard
*Dee Snider as Angry Jack
*Harrison Fahn as Kid Singer #1
*Elan Garfias as Kid Singer #2
*Caryn Johnson as Kid Singer #3
*John Cleese as Plankton
*Sebastian Bach as Triton
*Victoria Beckham as Amphitrite
*John O'Hurley as King Neptune

==Episode 1==
===&quot;House Fancy&quot; (1.1)===
:'''Patrick''': Who's Nick? Sorry, Squidward. I couldn't wait any longer, I've gotta use your toilet. No questions! Thanks ''[Enters the bathroom he groans and flushes the bathroom] [after using Squidward's toilet]'' Uff! I wouldn't go in there for a couple days... or weeks.

:'''Squidward''': All right, first, I'm going to give you something so simple, a person without a brain could even get it done right.
:'''SpongeBob''': Phew, that's good, 'cause I lent my brain to Patrick for the weekend.
:'''Squidward''': Really?
:'''SpongeBob''': No, not really... He traded me these two chocolate bars for it.
:'''Squidward''': I don't care! Just use this paint to cover up that faded spot on the wall right there. Don't touch anything else!

===&quot;Krabby Road&quot; (1.2)===
:'''Patrick''': All right, I play a mean belly ''(plays the belly as a drum to a tune called William Tell Overture and stops)''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''SpongeBob''': Hey, Plankton, can our first song go like this? ''[makes a loud bass sound]'' And then turn into one of those songs that goes… ''[makes a high pitched screech]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''SpongeBob''': ''(After spotting Plankton stealing the secret formula)'' Wait a minute… was this band just a front so you could steal the Krabby Patty Secret Formula?
:'''Plankton''': What? No, I was in it for the music, man!

==Episode 2==
===&quot;Penny Foolish&quot; (2.1)===
:'''Mr. Krabs''': Hello, and welcome to a very important evening. Tonight's event is entitled: Pennies, for the penny-less. And before the following images are shown, I would ask each of you to look not look with your eyes, but with your heart. ''[Mr. Krabs shows some images]'' 3 dimes ($0.30), 2 nickels ($0.20), 1 quarter ($0.25), 0 pennies. And since I realize the images seen here tonight may be wretchedly hideous, I am going to tell you what you can do to end this travesty. You can donate one penny to me: Mr. Krabs. Also known as: Mr. Krabs, the man who doesn't have one. ''[Mr. Krabs starts crying and SpongeBob is crying too]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mr. Krabs''': SpongeBob, I just wanted that penny you found on the street yesterday. Oh, I'm sorry.
:'''SpongeBob''': Mr. Krabs, that wasn't a penny. ''[laughs]''
:'''Mr. Krabs''': It wasn't?
:'''SpongeBob''': No, that was just a dried up piece of gum for my collection. I think it's peppermint.
:'''Mr. Krabs''': Ah ha ha ha ha hooooooooo hoo. I feel so relieved. There was no penny after all! Well, I'll be going now, You can keep the metal detector, SpongeBob. See ya!
:'''SpongeBob''': Thanks, Mr. Krabs. Hear, Gary. You can play with it. ''[Gary sniffs it, then blows raspberry at it, then walks away, the gum then absorbs it]'' Hey, this isn't gum (or a penny) at all. ''[pulls it out, revealing that it is a $500 bill]'' It's just a dumb old $500 bill. This won't go with my chewed up gum collection. Ah well, good night, Gary.
:'''Mr Krabs''': ''(digging some holes)'' Penny, must have buried it around here somewhere. I'll just have to keep digging.

===&quot;Nautical Novice&quot; (2.2)===
:'''SpongeBob''': I assure you, I am well rested and ready to learn. Who knows, Mrs. Puff? Before the day is out you may have learned something yourself. ''[Mrs. Puff smells SpongeBob's odor and sprays &quot;Shower in a Can&quot; on him and he smells better]'' Hey, Mrs. Puff?
:'''Mrs. Puff''': Yes, SpongeBob?
:'''SpongeBob''': I made this for you.
:'''Mrs. Puff''': Made what?
:'''SpongeBob''': ''[holds out a model of a tiny boat]'' This, the H.M.S. Pinafore, at 1 to 8,427 scale of course.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mrs. Puff''': Good thing you studied.

==Episode 3==
===&quot;Spongicus&quot; (3.1)===
:'''Plankton''': Welcome one and all, to the first biannual big arena of annihilation! ''[everyone cheers]''
:'''Patrick''': All right! ''[Patrick is about to eat a sausage, when the lionfish growls at him, Plankton laughs]''
:'''Plankton''': That pink dimwit doesn't stand a chance with those sausages around his throat! As soon as the smell of sausage hits that ravenous lionfish's nostrils, he'll be all over Patrick like mold on a shower curtain!
:'''Betsy Krabs''': Boring! [throws a tomato at the ground] I want to see some body parts!
:'''Plankton''': This is ridiculous! I order a simple brutal mauling for my denizens, and I get a circus act!
:'''Sadie''': Ten dollars?! Why would I pay ten dollars, when I can go across the street and get a Krabby Patty for one dollar?
:'''Plankton''': Now, I've been waiting for 20 years to have the amount of customers Krabs sees everyday! And I won't let that be ruined because the show's &quot;boring,&quot; or the food's &quot;inedible.&quot;
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mr. Krabs''': Ahem, perhaps you'd like to speak to our financial expert. ''[&quot;financial expert&quot; is the lionfish that was chasing Plankton, Scooter is scared, and gives Mr. Krabs $10]''
:'''Scooter''': ''[muttering]'' Stupid inflation.
:'''Mr. Krabs''': Thanks for your business. ''[everyone laughs, they then stop and walk away, the lion then growls, and the episode ends]''

===&quot;Suction Cup Symphony&quot; (3.2)===
:'''Squidward''': ''(looking at his essay with a triumphant but sleepless face)'' I've done it, I've finally finished it ''(kisses the essay and laughs)'' I did it, I did it! ''(runs out of his house in an ecstatic delirium)''
----
:'''Squidward''': Patrick, what are you doing here?
:'''Patrick''': I don't know. ''(He smiles wanly)'' I'm funny.
----
'''Fish''': ''(seeing an anchor dropped onto Patrick's leg)'' That's gonna leave a mark.

==Episode 4==
===&quot;Not Normal&quot; (4.1)===
:'''Customer 1''': Ugh. That ain't right. I will never spend money here again!
:'''Mr. Krabs''': Never?
:'''Customer 2''': Come on, guys. These patties ain't worth the paper they're printed on!
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Patrick''': SpongeBob, the weird therapy is working. Your craters are coming back. We just have to keep pushing the boundaries. We've gotta get stranger. ''[Cuts to Jellyfish Fields where SpongeBob is riding on Patrick's back like a horse and catches a jellyfish in the net. Another crater comes back. Cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick licking the sand and as SpongeBob is licking, his nose grows back to normal size. Cuts to Patrick and SpongeBob standing on their hands]'' Talk backwards.
:'''SpongeBob''': Tap, erus uoy era? (Are you sure, Pat?) ''[SpongeBob's legs and arms are back to normal]''
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
:'''Squidward''': ''[Patrick's rock begins to open]'' It's me, Squidward. I'm looking for SpongeBob. ''[Squidward is in a normal state]'' Hi, how are ya? ''[SpongeBob is so scared and shocked at how Squidward looks that he screams himself back into his regular self]''
:'''Patrick''': SpongeBob, you're back to your square shape.
:'''SpongeBob''': Wow, I guess Squidward's normal looks scared me back to my original form. Thanks, buddy, you saved my life.
:'''Normal Squidward''': Wonderful weather we're having, hm?
:'''SpongeBob''': It sure is, buddy. It sure is. ''[he and Patrick laugh whilst the episode ends]''

===&quot;Gone&quot; (4.2)===
:'''Patrick''': Yeah. Everyone needs at least one day away from... ''(laughs like SpongeBob imitating his face)''

==Episode 5==
===&quot;The Splinter&quot; (5.1)===
:'''Squidward''': ''[same tone]'' The spatula... TIED TO YOUR NOSE!!
:'''SpongeBob''': Ohhh, this! ''[explains quickly]'' Well, you see, this got stuck up there so I stacked stuff and I climbed up to reach it. I reached it and grabbed it. I got it but then I fell and I screamed! I was sure I was dead but then I wasn't but then I tripped and I got this splinter and...Squidward? Squidward, were you listening at all? I got this really bad splinter, you see? And I couldn't hold the spatula with my hand so I used my nose. Makes sense now, huh?
:'''Squidward''': ''[sarcastic]'' Oh, yeah, that makes perfect sense. You're a half-wit who injured himself at work being a nitwit.
:'''SpongeBob''': ''[laughs]'' Good one, Squiddy.
:'''Squidward''': ''[grumbles]'' Injury. Your brain is injured! ''[gets an idea]'' Wait a minute. Did you say that you got that splinter injury at work?

===&quot;Slide Whistle Stooges&quot; (5.2)===
:'''SpongeBob''': You see, Squidward! Slide whistling can add a little zest to the humdrum of everyday life.
:'''Squidward''': I don't need zest! I need you out of my lampshade! ''[Squidward jumps onto the table to get them out, but they're not there. SpongeBob appears with the slide whistle effect behind a plant]'' Get out of there! ''[SpongeBob floats through the air with the slide whistle noise and out the door. SpongeBob and Patrick are spinning around the circular windows]'' Just get out of there! ''[They land onto his paintings and become the shape of his head(s)]'' Okay, that's enough! You've had your fun.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''SpongeBob''': Wow Squidward, listen to you! You're getting better already! Here we'll help. ''[he and Patrick raise their slide whistles... they go around the hospital playing the slide whistle to CPR, a guy on a ventilator, and Gill Gilliam stitching Nat up]''

==Episode 6==
===&quot;A Life in a Day&quot; (6.1)===
:'''Patrick''': LIVING LIKE LARRY!!!

===[[w:Sun Bleached (SpongeBob SquarePants episode)|&quot;Sun Bleached&quot; (6.2)]]===
:'''Patrick''': ''[sprays dirt with a water hose then dips SpongeBob who is sun bleached and horribly dry, into a puddle of mud, wipes the mud away from his eyes, puts two slabs of jerky for SpongeBob's buck teeth, then rips out his own armpit hair]'' AAHHHH!! AAH-AHH-AAAHH!! ''[instantly turns calm, then places the armpit hair onto SpongeBob's head, then gives SpongeBob a mirror]'' See?
:'''SpongeBob''': ''[screams, horrified]'' I... look... ''[adoring voice]'' Amaaaziiing.
:'''SpongeBob''': No, Patrick I... ''[notices the people staring at him. He laughs nervously, then the caramel cracks, which reveals some light. All gasp, then the caramel breaks]''
:'''Frankie''': So, bright!
:'''Sally''': Honey, look away! ''[Frankie's eyes melt. SpongeBob laughs nervously]''
:'''Fred''': Nice Job!
:'''Harold''': ''[Australian accent]''  Your hideously white skin just ruined the party. I mean look at you! Do you hug your mother with that skin?

==Episode 7==
===&quot;Giant Squidward&quot; (7.1)===
:'''Patrick''': ''[about Squidward's kelp flowers, with a soft tone]'' They're preeeeeeettyyy! ''[Squidward shrieks]''
:'''Squidward''': Patrick!
:'''SpongeBob''': And SpongeBob!
:'''Squidward''': What are you two doing here?
:'''SpongeBob''': Patrick is helping me to do good deeds today, like trimming your kelp garden! ''[points to Patrick, who takes a large bite out of the kelp, then burps]''
:'''Squidward''': ''[Yells]'' '''STOP EATING MY KELP!!!''' ''[shoves Patrick and SpongeBob]''
:'''Patrick''': Okay, okay, geez! I try to help a fellow out. I'll just have to eat this ice cream cone instead!
:'''Squidward''': Oh! Do you like to eat ice cream, Patrick?
:'''Patrick''': Hmmmmmm... yeah.
:'''Squidward''': Then have some more! ''[sprays the ice cream]''
:'''Patrick''': ''[falls over when the ice cream gets bigger]'' Whoa! Oof!
:'''Squidward''': Ha, ha, ha! Still want that ice cream?
:'''Patrick''': Boy I do! Thanks, Squidward! Want some, SpongeBob? Last one to the cone is a rotten clam!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Squidward''': ''[bonks SpongeBob on the head]'' HEY! Look what you did to me! If you don't fix my nose, you'll hear from my lawyer!
:'''SpongeBob''': Are you sure?
:'''Patrick''': Yeah! You'll be ugly again!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''SpongeBob''': Good deed accomplished! I ask for no reward.
:'''Patrick''': You're a saint, SpongeBob! A SAINT!
:'''SpongeBob''': I know, and it is a burden I must carry.

===&quot;No Nose Knows&quot; (7.2)===
:'''Patrick''': ''(with huge ears)'' I HEAR THAT!
:'''Squidward''': What are you doing with my cheese?
:'''Patrick''': It's rotten garbage now. [throws it in the garbage, then blasts it with a rocket launcher] That's better.
:'''Squidward''': That was my cheese. It's supposed to smell like that, kelp for brains!

==Episode 8==
===&quot;Patty Caper&quot; (8.1)===
:'''SpongeBob''': Mr. Krabs, isn't... ''that'' the stolen secret ingredient?
:'''Mr. Krabs''': Uh, what are you talking about, SpongeBob? I'm not holding any secret ingredient. ''[holds it out, then hides it]''
:'''Policeman''': You might want to stand that you stole the item in question?
:'''Mr. Krabs''': Well, I wouldn't call it stealing.
:'''Policeman''': And you were going to let someone else take the fall for this little caper?
:'''Mr. Krabs''': I can explain!
:'''Policeman''': Please do.
:'''Mr. Krabs''': It's simple, $1.99 is a lot to pay for the secret ingredient every time I get a delivery, so I... s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s... took it... to avoid paying, you know.
:'''Policeman''': I think Judge Trout will be very interested to hear this little story. ''[handcuffs him]''
:'''Mr. Krabs''': What, what'd I do? ''[cuts to the court house]''
:'''Judge''': All rise. Eugene Krabs.
:'''Mr. Krabs''': Your honor...?
:'''Judge''': As punishment for committing the crime of grand theft, I sentence you to give away Krabby Patties for free... all day tommorow.
:'''Mr. Krabs''': Give away me Patties for free? Oh no, I couldn't bear the sight of that. ''[cuts to next day at the Krusty Krab, and Mr. Krabs is screaming]''
:'''SpongeBob''': Step right up, and get your free Krabby Patties! ''[When SpongeBob gives away free Krabby Patties, the 2 policemen holds Mr. Krabs still while he is crying, then the policemen laugh.]''

===&quot;Plankton's Regular&quot; (8.2)===

:'''Mr. Krabs''': ♪ ''Rolling, rolling, rolling! Money keeps on rolling along!'' ♪ ''[playing bowling with money]'' 1 more time! ''[notices Plankton]'' No way, Plankton! You're not getting me formula this time or any time! ''[throws him on the counter, then gets a spoon, and crushes him]''
:'''Plankton''': Don't bother. There's no need.
:'''Mr. Krabs''': What are you talking about?
:'''Plankton''': ''[slides out of the spoon]'' I'm just saying I no longer need to copy you, Krabs. I've got my own winning recipe now.
:'''Mr. Krabs''': ''[laughs]'' You're really funny man! You think you can compete with me? Look Plankton, look at all these loyal customers. Loyal to me, Plankton, not to you!
:'''Nat''': Hey, Plankton, can I get another one of your delicious Chum Sticks?
:'''Plankton''': But of course, loyal customer. ''[hops out of Mr. Krabs' hands, onto Nat's hand]'' I'll see you later, loser. Much later! ''[laughs]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Plankton''': Nat, back all ready? That's the fifth time today. Not that I'm surprised. Karen, babe, fetch Nat another plate of that sweet chum.
:'''Karen''': Yes, Your Diminutiveness. ''[goes in the kitchen]''
:'''Plankton''': Say, Nat, do you have any friends?
:''Nat''': Nope.
:'''Plankton''': ''[sings a little, then laughs]'' Would you hurry up with that chum, Karen?!
:'''SpongeBob''': ''[imitating Karen]'' Yeah, yeah, yeah. Keep your tiny pants on, Plankton. Bleep, bloop. ''[throws a Krabby Patty]'' There's your chum, bleep blap blop.
:'''Nat''': Hey, this doesn't look like chum.
:'''Plankton''': And that doesn't look like Karen!
:'''SpongeBob''': ''[looks like Karen]'' Why, don't be ridiculous, my husband. Bleep, blap. Of course it's me.
:'''Plankton''': What have you done with Karen, you brute?!
:''[Karen is taped up in the kitchen]''
:'''Nat''': How many times do I have to tell you? ''[throws the Krabby Patty away]'' I don't want to eat your trash! Plankton's chum is my favorite breakfast, lunch, and dinner! I love chum, so forget it! I don't want to eat anything else!
:'''SpongeBob''': ''[returns to normal, and speaks in normal voice]'' So you're saying that you love chum? And all that you ever eat is chum?
:'''Nat''': Yeah! Th-that's right!
:'''SpongeBob''': Interesting.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Karen''': Call it a computer's intuition, but I sense your regular approaching, with an unusually large wad of cash.
:'''Mr. Krabs''': Look at all that loot!
:'''Plankton''': That's right, Krabs, and you're going to have to keep looking when my customer comes in and pays me for my chum!
:'''Mr. Krabs''': D'oh, just put me out of me misery!
:''[Nat walks in, angered]''
:'''Plankton''': Back for more of my delicious chum, I see!
:'''Nat''': Not this time!
:'''Plankton and Mr. Krabs''': Huh?
:'''Nat''': Not ever again! ''[throws all the money at Karen''] The deal's off, computer! I can't eat another bite of that slop, no matter how much you pay me!
:'''Plankton''': Ha-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba… Huh?
:'''Nat''': I have eaten 10 of those things, and I've all ready had to go to the doctor... twice! ''[groans in pain]'' If you need me, I'll be getting my stomach pumped... again. [gets carried out]''
:'''Plankton''': What's the deal, Karen?
:'''Karen''': &quot;The deal&quot; was that I paid Nat to eat your chum, so you'd quit your constant complaining.
:'''Plankton''': All this time, I never had 1 regular customer?
:'''Karen''': Duh.
:'''Plankton''': Should have known! Why would anyone ever eat my slop?
:'''Karen''': Uhh, there he goes again. Cut it out, Plankton!
:'''Plankton''': What? It's just obvious that I'm a complete failure, and wasted of a lower life form! Oh, woe is me! ''[cries]''
:'''SpongeBob''': Quickly, now is the time to make a hasty retreat!
:'''Mr. Krabs''': What, and miss this? I've never enjoyed me self more! This irony is pretty good stuff. ''[laughs]''

==Episode 9==
===&quot;Boating Buddies&quot; (9.1)===

:'''SpongeBob''': Didn't you used to have one of those cucumber bicycles?
:'''Squidward''': Oh. ''[laughs]'' That was a recumbent bicycle, and I sold it.
:'''SpongeBob''': Why?
:'''Squidward''': So, I could get further away from you! ''[rushes off]''
:'''SpongeBob''': Okay, I'll see you later then, Squidward.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

===&quot;The Krabby Kronicle&quot; (9.2)===

:'''Gym Teacher''': Out, out, out!
:'''Larry''': Hey, what's the big idea?
:'''Gym Teacher''': ''This! [shows him the newspaper]''
:'''Larry''': ''[reading]'' &quot;Larry the Loser gets beaten up by (a) pipsqueak&quot;? ''[stops reading]'' But, but, but–
:'''Gym Teacher''': No &quot;buts&quot;! I can't have a wimp like you destroying my gym's reputation! You're banned forever! ''[throws him out, then SpongeBob walks up]''
:'''SpongeBob''': Hello, Larry.
:'''Larry''': Not now, SpongeBob. Let me take in the fact that my life is ruined!
:'''SpongeBob''': &quot;Ruined&quot;? What are you talking about?
:'''Larry''': These lies someone wrote about me. ''[shows him the paper, and SpongeBob gasps]''
:''[Scene cuts to the Krusty Krab.]''
:'''Mr. Krabs''': Thanks for your business, and here's your paper. ''[hands fish the paper]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Plankton''': Oh, Karen! I think this is it! The Chum Stick that's finally gonna drive Krabs out of business!
:'''Health Inspector''': I think not. I'm Health Inspector Yellowtail. I'm officially closing down your restaurant.
:'''Plankton''': Why? I haven't done anything.
:'''Health Inspector''': That's not what this says. ''[shows Plankton the paper]''
:'''Plankton''': ''[reading]'' &quot;Plankton's chum made of your chums! The Chum Bucket serves your friends in more ways than one!&quot;? ''[stops reading]'' What?! ''[the health inspector locks down the Chum Bucket]'' Who's to blame for this? Who?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Sandy''': Sorry, fellars, this is a private treedome.
:'''Dennis''': I had no idea it talked. ''[to Sandy]'' Don't worry, we're from the Neptunian Science Committee, and we've come to confiscate all your science awards. Haven't you read today's headlines? ''[holds up newspaper]''
:'''Fish 2''': It can't even read. Why are you...?
:'''Sandy''': Oh, give me that! ''[reading]'' &quot;Sandy Cheeks or Sandy Chump? Bushy tailed braniac really a slow-witted squirrel, by... SpongeBob SquarePants&quot;? ''[stops reading]'' That yellow sidewinder thinks he can do that to me!?
:'''Dennis''': Oh, boy. We better scram! The dumb ones are always the most violent!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''SpongeBob''': Mr. Krabs, I can't write these stories anymore.
:'''Mr. Krabs''': Come on, that's a bunch of hooey!
:'''SpongeBob''': I've seen people's lives ruined... with my own eyes!
:'''Mr. Krabs''': People want wild juicy stories! That's what sells! Now I want your little yellow noggin, to come up with the wildest story ever! One that'll top all the others!
:'''SpongeBob''': Gee Mr. Krabs, I've written about everybody in town. Any ideas, sir?
:'''Mr. Krabs''': Surprise me! Give me a shocker! ''[throws him in his chair]'' Good night, boy. I'll check on you tomorrow morning, and remember, the wildest story ever! ''(leaves)''
:'''SpongeBob''': Oh, &quot;the wildest story ever&quot;, huh? ''[starts writing/typing, then cuts to the next day where the paper's are being printed, and Mr. Krabs runs in]''
:'''Mr. Krabs''': How's it going, lad?
:'''SpongeBob''': ''[turns around, and he is very tired]''
:'''SpongeBob''': Ahh-ahh, it's a surprise.
:'''Mr. Krabs''': Excellent! We're gonna sell out in no time! We'll have to do another printing. ''[runs outside, and there is an angry mob]'' Huh?
:'''Martha''': Taskmaster!
:'''Mr. Krabs''': What's going on?
:'''Martha''': You should know! ''[shows him the newspaper]''
:'''Mr. Krabs''': ''[reading]'' &quot;Krabs overworks employees, reaps reward!? Krabby Kronicle mastermind behind bogus stories pays his tired, under-age reporter pennies while he rakes in the dough!&quot;?
:'''Martha''': How could you do that to such an innocent child?! This is sick and inhumane!
:'''Sandy''': Not to mention the fact that he's written lies about us!
:'''Plankton''': I lost my restaurant because of you, and I thought ''I'' was evil.
:'''Larry''': All the kids in town want to beat me up for lunch money! ''[cries]''
:'''Mrs. Puff''': And I've had to go back to watching... ''[starts to cry]'' ...Daytime television!
:'''Martha''': Oh, that's it! We're taking our money back! ''[everyone runs in, and takes bags of money while leaving a trail of destruction]''
:'''Mr. Krabs''': No! AAAAAAHHHHH!!! ''[starts to cry]''
:'''SpongeBob''': Mr. Krabs, are you okay?
:'''Mr. Krabs''': How can I be okay when me money's gone?! All gone! ''[cries then sighs]'' It just goes to show, trying to make an easy buck doesn't pay. ''[notices the printing press]'' Or does it? ''[puts a dollar in the printing press, and turns it on, which makes sheets of paper with just pictures of money]'' Get me some scissors, boy-o! It's time to use my imagination!
:'''Patrick''': ''[while wearing fancy clothes]'' Hey, guys. Could you fix me and the wife up a couple of Krabby Patties? ''[his &quot;wife&quot; is the pole as described in the newspaper earlier]''

==Episode 10==
===&quot;The Slumber Party&quot; (10.1)===
:'''SpongeBob''': You wanna stay here... at my house... with MEEEEEEE?!?
:'''Mr. Krabs''': Whaddya say, boy? ''[SpongeBob rockets up in excitement]''
:'''SpongeBob''': Yee-hee! Slumber party!
:'''Mr. Krabs''': Maybe I should just sleep under the highway. ''[Afterwards, SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs get into some sleeping bags and lie down near the TV]''
:'''SpongeBob''': We can stay up really, really late! And tell ghost stories and trade socks! ''[He shows Mr. Krabs his socks]''
:'''Mr. Krabs''': Is that what girls do at slumber parties?
:'''SpongeBob''': No. They invite boys over and destroy the house!
:'''Mr. Krabs''': They what?!
:'''SpongeBob''': You know how girls are.
:'''Mr. Krabs''': Uh, SpongeBob, do you know anything about girls?
:'''SpongeBob''': ''[laughs]'' Do I know any...? No, but Gary does. ''[We see Gary reading a magazine, also holding the remote]''
:'''Gary''': Meow. [flicks on TV]''
:'''TV Announcer''': We now return to tonight’s scary movie: Slumber Party Zombie Attack! ''[In the movie, some girls are having a slumber party]''
:'''Girl Fish''': Pillow fight! ''[Girls fight and giggle. A pillow is thrown into a vase and picture frame]'' Missed me!
:'''Mr. Krabs''': ''[Gasp]'' Look what they’re doing to that man’s house!
:'''SpongeBob''': But, Mr. Krabs, it’s only a mov-ieeeeeeeeee...

===&quot;Grooming Gary&quot; (10.2)===
:'''SpongeBob''': You were trying to tell me that all along Weren't you, Gary?
:'''Gary''': Meow, meow!
:'''SpongeBob''': Well, I won't let it happen again.
:'''Judge''': Well, I think we can all agree that this year’s groomers cup goes to... SpongeBob and his wonderful pet!
:'''SpongeBob''': Did you hear that, Gary? They're rewarding you for standing up and speaking out against injustice. Maybe these pageants aren't so superficial after all.
:'''Judge''': What are you talking about? The snail didn't win, I was referring to your other pet. He's so adorable. ''[Patrick...?]''
:'''Patrick''': Woof, woof! ''[sticks his tongue out]''

==[[w:SpongeBob SquarePants vs. The Big One|&quot;SpongeBob SquarePants vs. The Big One&quot; (Episode 11)]]==
:'''Mr. Krabs''': Where are your shoes? You're not going section 8 on me, are you?
:'''SpongeBob''': It's so hot, my shoes... my shoes melted off.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''J.K.L.''': ''[repeated line]'' Just keep breathin'.

==Episode 12==
===&quot;Porous Pockets&quot; (12.1)===
:'''SpongeBob''': Good idea coming here, Patrick!
:'''Patrick''': That’s my specialty.
:'''SpongeBob''': Having good ideas?
:'''Patrick''': No, being called Patrick.

===&quot;Choir Boys&quot; (12.2)===
:''[Squidward doesn't use the toilet, making it sad]''
:'''Toilet Paper''': Don't feel bad. He didn't use me yesterday either.
----
:'''SpongeBob''': Squidward? Where are you going, all dressed up?
:'''Squidward''': None of your business!
:'''SpongeBob''': Can I come?
:'''Squidward''': And no, You Can't.
:'''SpongeBob''': Are you going to a fancy store?
:'''Squidward''': No.
:'''SpongeBob''': A fancy party?
:'''Squidward''': No!
:'''SpongeBob''': A hot fancy pants date?
:'''Squidward''': NO!
:'''SpongeBob''': Can I come, can I come, can I come, can I come, can I come, can I come, can I come, can I come, can I come, can I come, can I come, can I come?
:'''Squidward''': No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, NO! Does that answer your questions?
:'''SpongeBob''': All except for that last one.

==Episode 13==
===&quot;Krusty Krushers&quot; (13.1)===
:'''Mr. Krabs''': Like we're really gonna turn all this money for--
:'''SpongeBob and Patrick''': Wrestle Camp! Wrestle Camp, Wrestle Camp, Wrestle Camp!
:'''Perch Perkins''': Wrestle Camp it is. ''[The janitor vacuums up all the money and Mr. Krabs falls apart, then the janitor walks away]''
:'''SpongeBob''': See you at Wrestle Camp, Mr. Krabs! ''[He drops a wrestle camp hat on Mr. Krabs and the episode ends.]''

===&quot;The Card&quot; (13.2)===
:'''SpongeBob''': [gasps] THE SUPER RARE AND PRICELESS MERMAIDMAN AND BARNACLEBOY TRADING CARD! Patrick, Where is It, Where is it? Damn, Neptune, You Did Not Put That In Your Pocket, Did You?
——————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————
:'''Patrick''': SpongeBob, you can't always expect my usual brand of stupidity. I like to mix it up. Keep you on your toes.

==Episode 14==
===&quot;Dear Vikings&quot; (14.1)===

===&quot;Ditchin'&quot; (14.2)===

==Episode 15==
===&quot;Grandpappy the Pirate&quot; (15.1)===

===&quot;Cephalopod Lodge&quot; (15.2)===

==Episode 16==
===&quot;Squid's Visit&quot; (16.1)===

===&quot;To SquarePants or Not to SquarePants&quot; (16.2)===

==Episode 17==
===&quot;Shuffleboarding&quot; (17.1)===
''[a man is shown chewing his gum; gum bubble pops]''
:'''Patrick''': You're chewing too loud!
''[Patrick throws him in jail; a man with untied shoes is shown]''
:'''SpongeBob''': Shoes untied!
''[SpongeBob throws him in jail; an old woman is shown]''
:'''Patrick''': You're too old!
''[Patrick throws her in jail, which has lots of people]''

'' [The jail explodes. People land everywhere and some of them say “My leg!”] ''

===&quot;Professor Squidward&quot; (17.2)===
:'''Music Headmistress''': The real Squiliam as we all know has a large bushy unibrow just at the base of his forehead.
:'''Squidward''': But... ''(A police officer rips off Squidward's Wig)''
:'''Police Officer''': No unibrow. Squidward Q. Tentacles, i'm placing you under arrest for impersonating a genius.

==External links==
{{Wikipedia|SpongeBob SquarePants (season 6)}}
* [http://www.nick.com/all_nick/tv_supersites/SpongeBob/bobintro.html?_requestid=197154 Nick.com] &amp;ndash; Official site
* [http://www.nickelodeon.com.au/fuckynick/tvshows/shows/index.php?show_id=31_requestedid=197154 Nick Australia] &amp;ndash; The Nick Shack
* [http://www.en.spongepedia.bimserver.com SpongePedia] &amp;ndash; A SpongeBob Wiki from [[w:Wikia|Wikia]]
* [http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0206512/quotes SpongeBob SquarePants Quotes] on IMDB

[[Category:SpongeBob SquarePants]]
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'''''[[w:Chicago P.D. (TV series)|Chicago P.D.]]''''' (2014–presesnt) is a {{w|police procedural}}, airing on {{w|NBC}}, about a uniformed police patrol and the Intelligence Unit that tracks the perpetrators of the city's major street.

==Seasons==
* [[Chicago P.D./Season 1|1]]
* [[Chicago P.D./Season 2|2]]
* [[Chicago P.D./Season 3|3]]
* [[Chicago P.D./Season 4|4]]
* [[Chicago P.D./Season 5|5]]
* [[Chicago P.D./Season 6|6]]
* [[Chicago P.D./Season 7|7]]
* [[Chicago P.D./Season 8|8]]
* [[Chicago P.D./Season 9|9]]

==Season 1==
===''Stepping Stone'' [1.1]===
:'''[[w:Antonio Dawson|Dawson]]''': Morning, sunshine.
:'''Platt''': ''[unamused]'' Funny.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lindsay is making coffee in the pantry when Halstead walks in]''
:'''Halstead''': That stuff will kill ya now, apparently. Saw an article online.
:'''[[w:Erin Lindsay|Lindsay]]''': Well, that is last on the very long list of things that I'm concerned about. ''[pours coffee into her mug]''
:'''Halstead''': ''[holds his mug to her]'' Pleasssee?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Hank Voight|Voight]]''': You ever heard the expression &quot;10% percent of the cops do 90% of the work&quot;? 
:'''Halstead ''': I have.
:'''Voight''': Well, this Intelligence Unit is part of the 10%.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Halstead ''': How long have we worked together, a month? I think it's time we could be honest with each other. Wouldn't you agree? 
:'''Lindsay''': No.
:'''Halstead ''': Two things: One, you driving all the time, I'm not down with that. 
:'''Lindsay''': Seniority rules. 
:'''Halstead ''': I've been on the job longer.
:'''Lindsay''': I've been in this unit longer.
:'''Halstead ''': Okay, look, I feel like a househusband.
:'''Lindsay''': Aw. What's the second thing? 
:'''Halstead ''': What's the deal with you and Voight? 
:'''Lindsay''': This stays between us.
:'''Halstead ''': Of course.
:'''Lindsay''': We went to prom together.
:'''Halstead ''': I mean, is he your secret dad or something? Put it this way if I were to ask you out, would I have to get his permission first? 
:'''Lindsay''': ''[scoffs]'' Any guy who needs to ask my dad's permission to date me should save himself the trouble.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Halstead''': Flight attendant.
:'''[[w:Kim Burgess|Burgess]]''': Uh, yeah, three years, waiting until I got into the police academy.
:'''Halstead''': ''[looks at Burgess disbelievingly]'' Flight attendant? ''[Lindsay snickers into her glass]''
:'''Burgess''': You can break my balls all you want, but I learned more about crowd control and conflict resolution and intimidation tactics traits that will serve me well when you guys detail me up into Intelligence. Hint, hint.
:'''Lindsay &amp; Halstead''': ''[grin to each other]'' Oh. Wow. 
:'''Halstead''': Okay. Noted.
:'''Burgess''': Thanks. How about you? 
:'''Lindsay''': Oh, I just kicked around. Nothing glamorous.
:'''Burgess''': You? 
:'''Halstead''': I was in the military.
:'''Burgess''': You see any action? 
:'''Halstead''': I did. Yeah.
:'''Burgess''': Ever see anything like you did today? ''[Lindsay looks warily at Halstead]'' I'm sorry. I forget I asked that. That was a stupid question.

===''Wrong Side of the Bars'' [1.2]===
:''[Ruzek and Olinsky are getting their disguises ready for their undercover assignment]''
:'''Ruzek''': When's the last time you brushed your teeth? 
:'''Olinsky''': I'm supposed to be homeless, man.
:'''Ruzek''': That's not a good excuse.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Atwater and Burgess get into their squad car and realize Platt assigned them to a smelly one]''
:'''Atwater''': What did you do to Platt? 
:'''Burgess''': I didn't do nothing to Platt.
:'''Atwater''': What did you do to Platt? You must have done something. Burgess, I'm gonna tell you this right now. Don't walk down a road you can't come back from.
:'''Burgess''': Okay, fine. I called her a house mouse.
:'''Atwater''': You didn't.
:'''Burgess''': She ran me all over creation for this gaudy ring of her cousin's, and then she–– I'm sorry. Sometimes my temper can hinder my ability to communicate.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Erin Lindsay|Lindsay]]''': I used to think that cops under Voight were invincible, and then Jules died. I was holding her hand. As a soldier, how did you deal with it?
:'''Halstead''': ''[looks away uncomfortably]'' Generally...take it out on those who didn't deserve it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Voight''': ''[to the team]'' I've been given the go-ahead to run Intelligence - the way I want to run it. No interference. This is our unit now. You do things my way, our way, you'll unclip your badge at night knowing you did right. The police standing next to you are your family. And to me, there's nothing more important.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Erica Grashiar''': Key witness was found dead. Is that right? 
:'''[[w:Hank Voight|Voight]]''': Something like that.
:'''Grashiar''': I am informed, however, in how you got reinstated. You were supposed to be a pipeline for [[w:Internal affairs (law enforcement)|I.A.]] into some heavy hitters, but you haven't given us a damn thing.
:'''Voight''': I'll make a move on him soon.
:'''Grashiar''': Hey. Don't jerk me off with &quot;soon.&quot; You work for me, Hank. You work for me! Do you understand?! 
:'''Voight''': I work for Chicago. You understand? Chicago. ''[looks at the city skyline]'' Look at that. I remember when I was in grade school, the teacher read us [[w:From Sea to Sea and Other Sketches, Letters of Travel|a story]] by some [[w:Rudyard Kipling|precious little writer from a long time ago]]. I think he's English or something. And he was bagging on this place after visiting here. Know what he called it? He called it &quot;A city inhabited by savages.&quot; ''[looks seriously at Gradishar]'' We move when I say we move.

===''Chin Check'' [1.3]===
:'''[[w:Erin Lindsay|Lindsay]]''': ''[after Dawson holds up his fist for a fist bump]'' Do me one favor: Do not give me one of those open-fingered explosion hands that people do. I hate that. If it's your thing, I'd rather high five.
:''[Lindsay and Dawson fist bump and Dawson does the open-fingered explosion]''
:'''Lindsay''': ''[glares at Dawson]'' Never again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ruzek''': Hey, Halstead. Any word on Banfill? 
:'''Halstead''': He's still in the ICU. You seen the counselor yet? 
:'''Ruzek''': Yeah, this afternoon. You know, I'm gonna send out a memo so people can stop asking me.
:'''Halstead''': Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who do you think you're talking to? You got 10 minutes on this job.
:'''Ruzek''': It's a lot of people have been asking me.
:'''Halstead''': Say ''that'' next time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Severide''': Hey, um, I didn't know where else to go, and, um, and I don't...no one's heard anything. I don't know what to do.
:'''Lindsay''': Hey, we're gonna find her, okay? 
:'''Severide''': Yeah. ''[steps into Lindsay's hug]''
:'''Lindsay''': I promise. We've got really good guys on this. And I know it's scary, and I know your sister's alone, but we're gonna find her.

===''Now Is Always Temporary'' [1.4]===
:''[Antonio enters the locker room with a cold ice pack while Ruzek sat on the bench with his trousers down his thighs after getting painfully slammed in the crotch by Nadia]''
:'''Antonio''': Here! ''[handing him the cold ice pack]''
:'''Ruzek:'''Thanks, ''[placing the cold ice pack on his crotch and softly wincing in momentary discomfort]'' I think they're swollen, seriously dude. ''[breathing in agony]''
:'''Antonio''': I'll take your word on that. ''[as Halstead enters the room]''
:'''Halstead''': Uniforms have picked up on Nadia trying to score over on Roosevelt they're bringing her in. You all right?
:'''Ruzek''': No!
:'''Halstead''': Just checking!
:'''Ruzek''': Yeah I'm glad we're all having fun with this Antonio, Wendy and I wanna have kids, if I'm sterile, I'm gonna have that chick's neck.
:'''Antonio''': Uh uh, this is all on you Ruzek, can't let your guard down like that ever. ''[exiting the room]''
:'''Ruzek''': ''[sighing with relief]'' Good talk!

===''Thirty Balloons'' [1.5]===
:'''[[w:Hank Voight|Voight]]''': You like working in this unit, you keep it in your pants.
:'''Halstead''': I didn't know it was out.
:'''Voight''': Erin's off-limits. End of discussion.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Olinsky takes Ruzek shopping for supplies for their stakeout]''
:'''Ruzek''': ''[notices the adult diapers Olinsky is holding]'' Wait, wait, wait. What are those for? 
:'''Olinsky''': You're on a stakeout for who knows how long drinking that [[w:Gatorade|fluorescent poison]] you're not gonna be able to hold it.
:'''Ruzek''': You can't be serious. I'll find somewhere to take a leak.
:'''Olinsky''': You know, when I was a rookie, I was assigned to keep eyes on this [[w:Breaking and entering|B&amp;E]] crew that nobody could touch.
:'''Ruzek''': Right.
:'''Olinsky''': The first time I got eyes on him, I lost him. You know why? 
:'''Ruzek''': No.
:'''Olinsky''': 'Cause I had to take a piss. And I'm gone three, four minutes tops. And I say to myself, &quot;Next time I got eyes on him, I'm not gonna move. I'm not going anywhere.&quot; And that's where these came in. And I nailed the crew pulling a million-dollar score.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Erin Lindsay|Lindsay]]''': Hey, we need to talk.
:'''Voight''': Come on. ''[he ushers Lindsay into his office and she shuts the door]'' Yeah? 
:'''Lindsay''': The overprotective father thing was fine when I was a teenager, but I don't need you looking out for me anymore.
:'''Voight''': It's Halstead I'm looking out for. I've seen what happens to the guys you date.
:'''Lindsay''': What is that supposed to mean? 
:'''Voight''': You've left a string of broken hearts behind you since you were 15. I need Halstead 100% effective, not throwing pebbles at your window at 3:00 in the morning.
:'''Lindsay''': You don't get to tell me who I can and can't hang out with on my personal time.
:'''Voight''': My unit, my rules. You wanna date a cop? There are plenty other districts out there.

===''Conventions'' [1.6]===
:'''Halstead''': You speak Italian? Where'd you pick it up? 
:'''Olinsky''': I was stationed in [[w:Caserma Ederle|Vicenza]].
:'''Halstead''': You served?
:'''Olinsky''': Yeah, [[w:173rd Airborne Brigade Combat Team|A.B.C.T.]], part of a rapid response team. It's about an hour away from everyone. You?
:'''Halstead''': [[w:75th Ranger Regiment (United States)|Rangers]]. Afghanistan.
:'''Olinsky''': Well, that explains a lot.
:'''Halstead''': ''[smirks]'' Were you ever injured in the line of crushing grapes? 
:'''Olinsky''': Excuse me? 
:'''Halstead''': Was that in World War II? 
:'''Olinsky''': I can't hear you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Amanda Rollins|Rollins]]''': ''[jokingly to Lindsay as they both make coffee in the pantry]'' Oh, yeah, that confirms it. Chicago cops cannot make a good cup of coffee either.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Erin Lindsay|Lindsay]]''': I want the bad guys to get what's coming to them.
:'''Rollins''': Well, sometimes they do. Do you believe in karma? 
:'''Lindsay''': I believe in payback.
:'''Rollins''': Just a little unsolicited advice, just because I've been there...be careful 'cause payback is the biggest bitch when it consumes you.

===''The Price We Pay'' [1.7]===
:'''Platt''': Hey, Olinsky, department's pushing back on these expense reports you turned in.
:'''Olinsky''': ''[to Ruzek]'' You owe me 27 bucks.
:'''Ruzek''': No, no, no. Nobody told me that we got to go out of pocket on stakeouts.
:'''Platt''': Is that so? Oh, great. Order some {{w|caviar}} and lobster tails next time, then.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Platt''': Hey, [[w:Turner &amp; Hooch|Turner and Hooch]], get over here.
:'''Atwater''': I better be Turner.
:'''Burgess''': What is it? 
:'''Platt''': Need a photo.
:'''Atwater''': Because we found a body. If this is for the ''[[w:Chicago Tribune|Tribune]]'', my mama might want a couple––
:'''Platt''': For your new I.D. badge, Einstein.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Erin Lindsay|Lindsay]]''': Would you spit out whatever you're trying to spit out? 
:'''Halstead''': Okay. Maybe this last month I don't like being the guy you use to get a rise out of your father figure.
:'''Lindsay''': You wish I was using you.
:'''Halstead''': Oh, I'm serious. You have issues. You need to work them out. Work them out without me.
:'''Lindsay''': I repeat, we haven't done anything. And if you want to keep it that way...
:'''Halstead''': Hey, that'd be great.
:'''Lindsay''': All right, perfect.
:'''Halstead''': Fantastic.
:'''Lindsay''': You done? 
:'''Halstead''': I was done long before this conversation started.
:'''Lindsay''': Really? Then shut up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ruzek''': Al. Alvin, you're not listening to me.
:'''Olinsky''': Well, you talk so much, it's hard to know when I'm supposed to listen and when I can just tune out.
:'''Ruzek''': Sheesh. You're miserable.
:'''Olinsky''': No kidding, kid. But you'll learn.
:'''Ruzek''': I'm not you, old man. You can keep your misery. I'm all sunshine and roses over here. Peachy keen, Mr. Bean.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Hank Voight|Voight]]''': You were just going to walk up, shoot Ross in the middle of the street, huh? Let me ask you something. How stupid are you? 
:'''Joe Catalano''': I got a damn good insurance policy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Antonio Dawson|Dawson]]''': ''[to Gradishar]'' His family lost a father because you used him as the bottom rung of your ladder. You don't know. You don't know what we do or what we sacrifice or the price we pay for this for the job. And you'll never know.

===''Different Mistakes'' [1.8]===
:'''Gradishar''': It's funny. They warned me about you. Upstairs said, &quot;Manage him.&quot;, &quot;Use him. Keep him in line. And as soon as you start to lose him, take him down.&quot; But they didn't do you justice, Hank.
:'''[[w:Hank Voight|Voight]]''': They set you up to fail.
:'''Gradishar''': No, I don't think so. They know this place needs a guy like you, as long as he's controlled. But now you're an experiment gone wrong, Hank, and they're gonna find a way to break you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Antonio Dawson|Dawson]]''': First rule of a gunfight: bring a gun. Second rule: bring friends with guns. ''[raises his glass]'' Here's to having friends in Chicago.

===''A Material Witness'' [1.9]===
:'''Halstead''': Is no one gonna talk about the fact that Voight got arrested last night? 
:'''[[w:Antonio Dawson|Dawson]]''': He was put in cuffs once before by me. He got out of those pretty easy. Why should this time be any different? 
:'''Halstead''': Wait, so let me get this straight. The rule of law doesn't apply to Voight? Just so I'm clear.
:'''Dawson''': Just do your job.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Atwater''': So what's the scoop, Sarge? 
:'''[[w:Kim Burgess|Burgess]]''': Yeah, what's the scoop? 
:'''Atwater''': If Voight got arrested, what were the charges? 
:'''Burgess''': Yeah, they're not gonna take the unit from him, will they? He actually likes us.
:'''Platt''': You're like two washerwomen from the old country. Why don't you take your laundry down to the river?
:'''Ruzek''': ''[grabs Burgess' arm]'' Hey, listen. Come with me. ''[to Platt]'' We need her today.
:'''Atwater''': What about me?
:'''Ruzek''': Don't really have the curves I'm looking for, Atwater. Sorry man.

===''At Least It's Justice'' [1.10]===
:'''Djurovic''': I'm gonna sue you! I'm gonna sue the city! I'm gonna sue your mother for having you! I'm gonna sue your father for even thinking about doing––
:'''[[w:Antonio Dawson|Dawson]]''' ''[glares at Djurovic]'' Shut up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Halstead''': ''[opens his door and sees Olinsky at his doorstep]'' Hey.
:'''Olinsky''': I figured you might be drinking. A man shouldn't be drinking alone.

===''Turn the Light Off'' [1.11]===
:'''Ruzek''': Sarge, I'm willing to help you and everything, but you gotta tell me what's going on here.
:'''Platt''': ''[sighs]'' I gotta close the dad deal. 
:'''Ruzek''': The the what now? 
:'''Platt''': I'm accustomed to living in a nice house in [[w:Lincoln Park, Chicago|Lincoln Park]], a house I can't afford on my CPD salary.
:'''Ruzek''': Okay.
:'''Platt''': My dad is very wealthy. Investment banker wealthy. Cover of Forbes wealthy.
:'''Ruzek''': Really? 
:'''Platt''': I'm his older single daughter who's never been married. We do this dance every year where I bring my new fiancé to dinner and tell him I'm sure this is the one. He then writes me a check and tells me he's proud of me. We're both just going through the motions at this point, but he's old-fashioned, and I don't want to think about what would happen if I don't play the game.
:'''Ruzek''': All right, say no more. I get it. I do. It's just I you think he's going to buy this? 
:'''Platt''': Why wouldn't he?
:'''Ruzek''': Well, the, uh the age difference.
:'''Platt''': Exactly how old do you think I am? 
:'''Ruzek''': I have no idea.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Nadia prepares Burgess to go undercover as a hooker]''
:'''Nadia''': Your daddy ever touch you when you were a kid? 
:'''Burgess''': What? 
:'''Nadia''': Turn the light off in your eyes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robert Platt''': What do you like most about my daughter Trudy? 
:'''Platt''': ''[glares at her father]'' Dad.
:'''Ruzek''': Well, I would have to say that I like the fact that she knows exactly who she is. That she doesn't take crap from anybody, and I mean anybody. She's a –– she's just a she's a tough cookie, my little cookie.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ruzek''': Why haven't you told him you're gay?
:'''Platt''': Gay? 
:'''Ruzek''': Yeah, I just I think and I know I'm speaking out of school here, but I think he'd be cool with it. He seem like a––
:'''Platt''': I'm not gay.
:'''Ruzek''': What?
:'''Platt''': I did half the guys in my class in the academy.

===''8:30 PM'' [1.12]===
:'''[[w:Hank Voight|Voight]]''': ''[interrogates suspect]'' You tell me everything you know, every participant. Because as a coward, Vaughn. and I know you're a coward, 'cause that's who lays bombs at cancer fund-raisers You will not endure the pain that I'm going to put you through.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Powell''': ''[video recording]'' I'm declaring war on the Chicago Police Department and Chicago Fire Department. If you are a member of either department, you are not safe. If you are a family member of someone in either department, you are not safe. This is just the beginning. You've been warned.

===''My Way'' [1.13]===

===''The Docks'' [1.14]===
:'''Voight''': I deal with things in the moment. I make the best decision that I can. Sometimes I'm right. Sometimes I'm wrong. And I accept that, and I move forward, knowing I did the best I can to protect this city. I have my convictions, and I don't give a damn what anybody thinks of 'em. You have yours as well, Jay. I know that. And I respect that.


===''A Beautiful Friendship'' [1.15]===

==Season 2==
===''Call It Macaroni'' [2.1]===
:'''[[w:Erin Lindsay|Lindsay]]''': Nadia's first day.
:'''Halstead''': Can she even type? ''[Lindsay looks at him]'' Did we look into that at all?
:'''Lindsay''': Yeah. She can, smart ass. ''[Halstead shrugs]'' ''Do not'' hit on her.
:'''Halstead''': ''[in mock offense]'' Nadia?? What kind of a dog do you think I am?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Roman''': You hear about Jeff Gamble today?
:'''Lisa''': I did. He went out in a blaze of glory, huh? 
:'''Burgess''': Ah, yeah. Shooting at cops it's...real glorious.

===''Get My Cigarettes'' [2.2]===
:'''Ruzek''': I'm just saying, Jay, you got a target on your head and you don't seem too phased.
:'''Halstead''': Overseas, my unit and I, we always had a bounty on us.
:'''[[w:Antonio Dawson|Dawson]]''': Most gangs only pay 10G for a cop. If you're really worth 100, I should take you out myself. Pay off my mortgage.
:'''Halstead''': Right. Try it.
:'''Olinsky''': Coke dealer, one time, put a million dollar tag on me and Voight. ''[everyone stares at Olinsky]''
:'''Halstead''': What? 
:'''Ruzek''': How'd you handle that? 
:'''Olinsky''': Well, you dust yourself. Never go home the same way twice. Run red lights. If a car follows you through one, you chamber a round and you handle business.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Erin Lindsay|Lindsay]]''': For the last 10 years, you've told me [[w:Internal affairs (law enforcement)|I.A.]] is a bunch of rats who hide behind their badge instead of standing in front of it.
:'''[[w:Hank Voight|Voight]]''': And I meant it. Cops who go after other cops are the lowest. I never did that. I played a game with them to get my job back. A game I won, I might add.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dawson''': Parents do dumb things, the kids take the brunt.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lindsay''': I didn't think a 70 pound girl could lift a grown woman like that. But see, I knew I couldn't call 911 for help 'cause then [[w:Child Protective Services|CPS]] would take me from you. Yeah, I dragged you into the bathtub. Kept filling it with ice cubes. Just sitting there hoping you didn't die.
:'''Bunny''': Do we really have to bring up all this negative stuff? 
:'''Lindsay''': I was nine. And do you know what you said to me when you woke up? &quot;Get my cigarettes.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ruzek pulls up to an informant]''
:'''Belz''': (hands Ruzek a folder) I could've just emailed this to you.
:'''Ruzek''': Yeah, my boss is old school. He doesn't much like electronic footprints.
:'''Belz''': We're cool now.
:'''Ruzek''': Well, we're getting there.
:'''Belz''': Dude, it was just some graffiti.
:'''Ruzek''': You tagged the entire scoreboard at Cellular Field. That's a class three felony. Like I said, you got a little more work to do, but this? It's a good start.

===''The Weigh Station'' [2.3]===
:'''Platt''': What are you doing here, Nadia, answering phones for 12 bucks an hour? 
:'''Nadia''': Hey, it's a start.
:'''Platt''': No, pumpkin, it's an end. You're going to be up there until your boobs are bouncing off your knees, and all you're going to have to show for it is free dental, maybe a couple of flings with some married cops.
:'''Nadia''': I'm going to be a cop one day, and a damn good one.
:'''Platt''': Not going to happen. Not with your resume.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Olinsky''': So they got you in protective custody, I hear. You got a lot of enemies in gen pop, don't you? 
:'''Bembenek''': ''[scoffs]'' Nah. Just friends. I got friends everywhere.
:'''Olinsky''': Me too. The warden used to be a cop. I know you're afraid to die, Oskar. I could always see it in your eyes. So I'm here to give you one chance to live. You call off the hit on Halstead, and you tell me who it was tried to take him out at that bar.
:'''Bembenek''': Wait, wait we're talking about the Detective Halstead that killed my brother? That Halstead? 
:'''Olinsky''': Listen to me. Carefully. I'm giving you one chance.
:'''Bembenek''': ''[taps the counter]'' I'm doing time. Trying to get my head around that. ''[smugly]'' Can't be worried about the outside world.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Hank Voight|Voight]]''': ''[to Karl, the gunman who tried to kill Halstead]'' Did you grow up Catholic, Karl? I mean, most Poles are Catholic, right? Remember hearing about purgatory? I mean, if you weren't paying attention, it's it's a way station between heaven and hell. It's like this place. Heaven, for you, is upstairs. Cup of coffee, comfortable chair, we talk. You tell me why you opened up on two cops, put a girl in the hospital with a hole in her neck, clinging to life. Hell. It's a place we call the silos. About a 15-minute drive from here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Voight''': In about two minutes I got to meet Commander Perry so he can brief command staff. You know, no one out there really knows how we operate how we put ourselves in harm's way. If they did, our hands would be tied. And the worst of the worst that we hunt down would go free. So when I say this stays in house, this stays in house so we can keep operating the way we do. Halstead, what you did today-- What you did for this city well, no one will ever know. But this family knows.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Halstead''': ''[to Paramedic Sylvie Brett]'' You know, I've I've seen dead bodies, and I've seen people shot in front of me. But uh I've never seen somebody take a bullet that was meant for me.

===''Chicken, Dynamite, Chainsaw'' [2.4]===
:'''Platt''': Got word from headquarters. You're both up for mandatory firearms requalification. Get to the shooting range by Friday.
:'''Halstead''': Now, remind me, 'cause I'm drawing a blank here. Who was it that had the most shots in the black the last time we requalified? 
:'''Lindsay''': I believe the operative words here are &quot;last time&quot;.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Roman''': How long you known Sergeant Platt?
:'''Dawson''': Long time.
:'''Roman''': Well, she's a real pain in the ass.
:'''Dawson''': That is true.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Halstead''': Do you think maybe they'll just let me turn in Dryer's knee for requalification? You know, just put the X-ray in my file. Bam. Done. Requalified.
:'''Lindsay''': ''[scoffs]'' Yeah, yeah. How much? 
:'''Halstead''': On this? How much you got? 
:'''Lindsay''': [[w:United States one hundred-dollar bill|C-note]].
:'''Halstead''': You're on.

===''An Honest Woman'' [2.5]===
:'''Halstead''': ''[about Voight being late for work]'' He had the flu last year.
:'''[[w:Erin Lindsay|Lindsay]]''': No, he didn't. That was you.
:'''Halstead''': He gets sick. Everybody gets sick.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Girl''': Is it true you got to buy your own duty weapon, or you just got to buy the backup? 
:'''Burgess''': Oh, Chicago police officers are required to pay for their own sidearm, both primary and backup.
:'''Girl''': Hmm.
:'''Burgess''': What you carry? 
:'''Girl''': I like a [[w:Walther PP#PPK|Walther PPK]].
:'''Burgess''': You sound like future police to me.
:'''Platt''': Or a hit man.

===''Prison Ball'' [2.6]===

===''They'll Have to Go Through Me'' [2.7]===

===''Assignment of the Year'' [2.8]===

===''Called in Dead'' [2.9]===
:''[After returning from an undercover drug bust]''
:'''Olinsky''': ''[excitedly]'' Oh, yeah, it's been a while since we pulled a rip. I forgot how much fun it was.
:'''Halstead''': ''[grins]'' I've done some pretty crazy recon missions. ''That'' got my heart pumping.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Burgess''': Hey. Um, Sergeant. I heard Intelligence pulled a rip on some major dealers last night.
:'''Platt''': Let me guess who leaked this amazing story, your boy toy, Ruzek? ''[Roman laughs]''
:'''Burgess''': Boy what? No. Just, if any–– if any back ups needed we're volunteering our services.
:'''Platt''': didn't get upstairs, Burgess, so give it up. But, I do love your can-do spirit, so I am assigning you two to &quot;psycho squad&quot; duty. The Bulgarian consulate in Chicago forwarded a list of whackos who've made threats against [[w:Rosen Plevneliev|President Pla-no..Pla..Pre...President...Pla...President whoever]], who arrives in two days for some trade conference. You're gonna do spot checks on all persons on that list, see if they pose a danger.
:'''Roman''': Yeah. Can't you put Garcia or Sikora on this one? 
:'''Platt''': Roman, be grateful I don't park you at a desk doing traffic reports.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Erin Lindsay|Lindsay]]''': ''[discussing a suspect's background check]'' Not even a parking ticket.
:'''Halstead''': So, aside from operating a heroin lab, he's also a Boy Scout.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Halstead''': So, Blue. You got a real name? 
:'''&quot;Blue&quot;''': Barack Obama.
:''[Halstead and Ruzek look at each other and laugh]''
:'''Ruzek''': ''[plays along]'' Ha, oh, I wasn't prepared for this. It's an honor. Mr. President, we know that you're part of a heroin ring. Runs out of Angels strip club.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Platt''': One last name came in from the consulate, sounds like a real winner. Some guy upset at Bulgaria 'cause they're trying to join the [[w:European Union|EU]].
:'''Burgess''': Maybe after this we can get back to real police work? 
:'''Platt''': Hey, how's that K-9 girl working out for ya? 
:'''Roman''': If I have to do another day with her, I'm gonna transfer. To Milwaukee.
:'''Platt''': Oh, don't kid yourself, Roman. You're so in love with that girl it ain't even funny.

===''Shouldn't Have Been Alone'' [2.10]===
:'''Vought''': Halstead you got this?
:'''Halstead''': Yeah, I got this.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Platt''': Two surgeries in one day?
:'''Ruzek''': Yeah.
:'''Platt''': Third one gets ya free toppings.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lindsey''': Hey, how's Burgess?
:'''Ruzek''': She’s great, great - just a little follow up thing.

===''We Don't Work Together Anymore'' [2.11]===
:'''Cassie''': Having nice things isn't a crime.
:'''Halstead''': No, but buying things with drug money is.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cassie''': Thought you were the delivery guy.
:'''Halstead''': Wish I was.

===''Disco Bob'' [2.12]===
:'''Halstead''': Why'd you put him up to it?
:'''Voight''': We can sit here for days, kid. I make good money for over time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bob''': What about the guy I gave Voight?
:'''Ruzek''': I said we got it. If we need anymore of your help, we'll ask.

===''A Little Devil Complex'' [2.13]===
:'''Ruzek''': Listen, we... ''[writes something on a {{w|post-it note}} and sticks it to his coffee mug]'' We're thinking about putting together a task force on how to make coffee.
:'''[[w:Antonio Dawson|Dawson]]''': Maybe you can help us arrange a press conference for that.
:'''Ruzek''': I got you started. Cream, two sugars. It's real simple.
:'''[[w:Erin Lindsay|Lindsay]]''': I am not gonna make you coffee. ''[to Halstead]'' Come on, what about you? 
:'''Halstead''': ''[laughs]'' I wasn't going to say anything. And then Lang called and he said you left your pant suit at the headquarters.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Hank Voight|Voight]]''': I hear you like to start fires, Gish.
:'''Adrian Gish''': Only when appropriate.
:'''Voight''': According to who? Fires that kill innocent people? 
:'''Gish''': Yeah, I've heard about men who do that. Men who kill their own families. Men who wipe out city blocks with a single match.
:[...]
:'''Voight''': You just gonna tiptoe right to the edge, huh? 
:'''Dawson''': ''[mutters]'' I promise you I'll stand right behind you to give you the last push.
:'''Gish''': God's mistake? God's mistake? Really? You think I was made by God? ''[chortles]'' Last I checked, fire was the devil's tool. ''[looks at Dawson]'' I'm warning you, Detective. Do not push me.
:'''Dawson''': Or what, Gish? You gonna burn me up? 
:'''Gish''': ''[seethes]'' When I'm done with you, you're gonna burn yourself up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dawson''': ''[to the team about Gish]'' This guy killed Leslie Shay, my sister's best friend. Years ago, he killed Peter Mills' father, and burned Chief Boden and who knows how many others. As far as I'm concerned, we don't sleep until this lunatic roasts.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Halstead''': I'm not really a sneak-around- behind-dad's-back kind of guy.
:'''Lindsay''': Says the guy that works undercover.
:'''Halstead''': ''[laughs]'' Let's just come clean. Voight will respect us more if we look him in the eye.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Voight and Olinsky look at Gish/Lamont's mugshot]''
:'''Voight''': [[w:The Devil in the White City|Devil in the white city]].
:'''Olinsky''': Back in hell where he belongs.

===''Erin's Mom'' [2.14]===
:'''Halstead''': Couldn't sleep the other night. So I was up watching TV, and I saw this doctor talking about commitment phobia. He was saying it had to do with family patterns and survival instincts. I'm just saying, you know, Bunny's been married, what, five times? 
:'''[[w:Erin Lindsay|Lindsay]]''': Don't try to psychoanalyze me, Jay. Have you given any more thought to whether or not we should tell Voight? 
:'''Halstead''': No, we're not telling Voight.
:'''Lindsay''': He pardoned Burgess and Ruzek.
:'''Halstead''': Burgess was shot. Her and Ruzek are an exception to the rule. Do you want to take a bullet so that Voight will give his blessing? 
:'''Lindsay''': I'd take a bullet just to come over to your house tonight. ''[raises eyebrows]''
:'''Halstead''': ''[grins]'' What part of your body would you sacrifice? 
:'''Lindsay''': Uh Shoulder? Fleshy part of the thigh.
:'''Halstead''': Now I feel special.
:'''Lindsay''': You should.

===''What Do You Do'' [2.15]===
:''[Halstead is telling Lindsay about his grandfather's log cabin in rural northern Wisconsin]''
:'''[[w:Erin Lindsay|Lindsay]]''': This is in Wisconsin? 
:'''Halstead''': Yeah. Great fishing. [[w:Muskellunge|Musky]]. [[w:Largemouth bass|Largemouth]].
:'''Lindsay''': Mosquitoes? Like birds.
:'''Halstead''': But it's a great place to retire.
:'''Lindsay''': I'm not living in Northern Wisconsin.
:'''Halstead''': ''[grins teasingly]'' I don't remember asking you.
:'''Lindsay''': Antonio, would you ever live in Northern Wisconsin?
:'''Dawson''': Yeah. Snowmobiling, ice fishing, meth labs. It's paradise.
:'''Halstead''': You're not helping.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The team is going through taser recertification with Jenkins and are to be tasered as part of the process.]''
:'''Halstead''': ''[laughs as Ruzek is being tasered]'' That was worth the price of admission.
:'''Jenkins''': ''[looks at Halstead]'' You're next. ''[Halstead's smile disappears]''
:'''Atwater''': ''[goads Halstead]'' Come on, man.
:'''Lindsay''': I volunteer to tase him.
:'''Halstead''': Okay, I mean, this doesn't seem, like, official enough.
:'''Lindsay''': Where do you want it? ''[smirks]'' [[w:shoulder|S]], [[w:pelvis|P]], [[w:abdomen|A]] or [[w:groin|G]]? 
:'''Halstead''': Shoulders.
:'''[[w:Antonio Dawson|Dawson]]''': G!
:'''Atwater''': ''[laughs]'' G!
:''[Lindsay looks back triumphantly at Halstead]''
:'''Halstead''': ''[glares at Lindsay]'' Don't you dare.

===''What Puts You On That Ledge'' [2.16]===
:'''[[w:Hank Voight|Voight]]''': ''[after Mouse shows him some intel he got]'' That's a nice pull. Interesting cat, Mouse.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mouch''': Hey, kitten.
:'''Platt''': What are you doing here? 
:'''Mouch''': I wanted to see if you'd be interested in taking this exercise class with me. It's called {{w|Zumba}}. I think you'd really like it.
:'''Platt''': Hold on. Are you trying to tell me I'm fat?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Manning''': Can I give you some advice? 
:'''[[w:Erin Lindsay|Lindsay]]''': Sure.
:'''Mrs. Manning''': Marry a dentist.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mouse''': Roll call, chain of command, it's almost like being back in fatigues, you know. I didn't think I'd miss it, but I do. I like the the structure. I need this.
:'''Halstead''': Don't screw it up.
:'''Mouse''': I won't. Hey, I want to let you know that I really appreciate you doing this for me.
:'''Halstead''': You were there for me, right? 
:'''Mouse''': Yeah. Hey, you know what's crazy? Is that you and I we went through the exact same thing that day, and I've been I've been bouncing around ever since, and you've got the the world by the tail.
:'''Halstead''': Don't be so sure.
:'''Mouse''': Yeah. So what's going on? You, uh you seeing somebody? 
:'''Halstead''': I guess I was for a minute.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lindsay''': Can you date someone that you work with in our jobs? I mean, I know what brings us together. If you almost die by noon, you're pretty ready for a date at 6:00 p.m.
:'''Gabriela &quot;Gabby&quot; Dawson''': Ooh, I hear that. But...my experience, the same risks that bring you together end up weighing too much for anything long term.
:'''Lindsay''': Mm. ''[lifts her glass]'' Here's to plowing ahead anyway.
:'''Gabby''': Cheers.

===''Say Her Real Name'' [2.17]===
:'''Platt''': Hey, [[w:Chuckles (G.I. Joe)|Chuckles]].
:'''Halstead''': ''Detective'' Chuckles, if you don't mind.
:'''Platt''': Little [[wiktionary:donnybrook|donnybrook]] down at Kitty O'Shea's. Officer on the scene wanted to know if you'd stop by.
:'''Halstead''': To do what, show him how to do his job? 
:'''Platt''': No, keep your brother from getting locked up.

===''Get Back to Even'' [2.18]===
:'''Platt''': ''[looks at Nadia's application forms]'' Do our public institutions no longer teach penmanship? 
:'''Nadia''': Well, everything's digital.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Atwater''': We need more brothers on this unit, man.
:'''Ruzek''': I'm your brother, Kev.
:'''Atwater''': Yeah, you are. Don't tell Halstead, though. He gets jealous about stuff like that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jay Halstead''': You should have been here. Mom was dying, you were off partying.
:'''Will Halstead''': You left.
:'''Jay''': I left to fight a war. I came home.
:'''Will''': I saw Dad. He, uh, said you haven't spoken in a year.
:'''Jay''': Probably two.

===''The Three Gs'' [2.19]===
:'''Olinsky''': If I didn't screw up, those girls wouldn't be dead.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Voight''': Dennis Lee. CPD's most wanted fugitive for almost six years.

===''The Number of Rats'' [2.20]===
:'''Lindsay''': Do you have any travel plans Mr Yates. 
:'''Yates''': None, I just came to your beautiful city.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Benson''': Do me a favor, play this one by the book please.

===''There's My Girl'' [2.21]===
:'''[[w:Hank Voight|Voight]]''': How you holding up? 
:'''[[w:Erin Lindsay|Lindsay]]''': I'm fine. I just wish everyone would stop asking me.
:'''Voight''': I'm not everyone.
:'''Lindsay''': I miss her. Like everybody else, I'm here. I'm doing my job.
:'''Voight''': Job part I'm not worried about. Don't let this turn into a banana peel for you, and I think you know what I'm talking about.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Halstead''': I still can't believe you let me drive.
:'''Lindsay''': It's my gift. ''[pauses]'' Well, it's from Nadia. I told her how you said you feel like a house husband riding shotgun all the time. ''[reminisces]'' And she got all righteous and she goes, &quot;Erin, you need to let him drive a little.&quot;

===''Push the Pain Away'' [2.22]===
:'''Owen''': You don't know a damn thing.
:'''Voight''': Well tell me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lindsay''': I don't need you to cover me.
:'''Voight''': I'm not covering you, I'm protecting you.

===''Born Into Bad News'' [2.23]===
:'''Halstead''': Erin, I'm not your boss. I don't care where you were. But know that I am looking out for you. Whatever you got going on upstairs, you gotta face it head on.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Voight''': Erin is grieving. She's in a vulnerable space. That's exactly where you want her isn't it? Easier for you to get your hooks into her. Listen to me, don't ever come back here.

==Season 3==
===''Life is Fluid'' [3.1]===
:''[Platt is showing Burgess a wedding catalog.]''
:'''Burgess''': The ad says [[w:F. W. Woolworth Company|Woolworth's]]. I think they went out of business.
:'''Platt''': Burgess, dreams never go out of business. Ever.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Hank Voight|Voight]]''': You here as a cop or to save your boyfriend?
:'''[[w:Erin Lindsay|Lindsay]]''': Does it matter?

===''Natural Born Storyteller'' [3.2]===

===''Actual Physical Violence'' [3.3]===
:''[Mouse is being held hostage by Jeff Frazier]''
:'''Mouse''': When did you serve? ''[Frazier looks at him curiously]'' Your sidearm is military issue. [[w:Beretta M9|M9]]. When I asked your name, you said your last name first. I was Rangers. [[w:75th Ranger Regiment (United States)|75th Regiment]]. I did two tours in {{w|Korangal Valley}}.
:'''Frazier''': Marines. [[w:Gunnery sergeant|Gunnery Sergeant]]. [[w:6th Marine Division (United States)|6th Division]]. Took a few strolls through Baghdad. I was gone pretty much from the time Sarah was born till the time she got her learner's permit. ''[looks at Mouse]'' You did it. You got me talking. The sergeant looking for Sarah, can I trust him?
:'''Mouse''': Hank Voight? Well, picking ''his'' district was about the only thing you did right today.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Hank Voight|Voight]]''': So what's this for?
:'''Trevor Dunn:''' Scare tactics. 
:'''Voight:''' I've heard of those. Me, I prefer actual physical violence.

===''Debts of the Past'' [3.4]===
:'''Burgess''': Hey, did you know that Adam was engaged, before he was engaged?
:'''Roman''': To you? Yeah.
:'''Burgess''': No. Before that.
:'''Roman''': You mean you're the third?
:'''Burgess''': Yeah. Just found out.
:'''Roman''': Just think of it like the Olympics. A bronze medal's nothing to sneeze at.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Erin Lindsay|Lindsay]]''': We're celebrating.
:'''Halstead''': What are we celebrating?
:'''Lindsay''': Hank is letting me move back into my apartment. He trusts me.
:'''Halstead''': Wow, that's huge.
:'''Lindsay''': Yeah. I think he just wants his bathroom back but whatever.
:'''Halstead''': Well, you can do some serious damage in a bathroom. ''[Lindsay slaps his arm in mock anger]'' What?? ''[chuckles]'' I just meant you're messy. You're a messy person. Seriously though, this is good. I was worried that hole you were digging was gonna be too deep.
:'''Lindsay''': I was lucky I had a lot of people reaching in to pull me out.

===''Climbing Into Bed'' [3.5]===
:'''[[w:Erin Lindsay|Lindsay]]''': Hey, you have a &quot;couch guy&quot;?
:'''Halstead''': I don't know what that means.
:'''Lindsay''': You have a guy for ''everything'': construction guy, car guy. I need a couch guy.
:'''Halstead''': Huh.
:'''Lindsay''': I'm moving back into my place. I just want a fresh start. I kinda blew through my savings on my &quot;sabbatical&quot;. Don't make me ask Atwater.
:'''Halstead''': What's in it for me? ''[Lindsay raises an eyebrow flirtatiously at him]'' I'll make some calls.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Hank Voight|Voight]]''': Remember the 8 P's from your academy training?
:'''Ruzek''': Yeah.
:'''Voight''': Let's hear 'em.
:'''Ruzek''': Proper police planning prevents piss poor police performance.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Platt''': You know what {{w|Moses}} had when he [[w:Crossing the Red Sea|parted the Red Sea]]?
:'''Ruzek''': What?
:'''Platt''': Permission from his [[w:God|supervisor]].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Halstead''': I'm the last guy you should ask about decorative furniture. I'm a &quot;function over form&quot; man.
:'''Lindsay''': ''[smirks]'' What does ''that'' mean?
:'''Halstead''': It means that if its comfy then I don't care what it looks like. You know, we could always give it a &quot;test drive&quot;
:'''Lindsay''': Test out the &quot;function&quot;?
:'''Halstead''': ''[cheekily]'' I hope we're talking about the same thing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Antonio Dawson|Dawson]]''': ''[to Ruzek]'' You start chasing things in the air instead of the ones on the street you don't get to anybody.

===''You Never Know Who's Who'' [3.6]===
:'''Platt''': Overtime is like gold around here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Hank Voight|Voight]]''': Secret operation or not, you can't commit murder and steal bodies with {{w|impunity}}.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Dawson and Voight are interrogating a suspect who kept claiming he was a CIA operative.]''
:'''[[w:Antonio Dawson|Dawson]]''': Says here you took the CPD test three times and each time you were rejected. You're color blind.
:'''Voight''': ''[deadpan]'' Yet somehow you were recruited into the CIA.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Erin Lindsay|Lindsay]]''': Dr. Charles, welcome to Intelligence.
:'''Dr. Charles''': ''[looks around the squad room]'' So, this is it. The infamous black side I've been reading about all these years?
:'''Dawson''': Not everything you read is true.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Herrmann''': So, Jay, I'm not usually the matchmaking type of guy ''but'' my wife wants to set you up with somebody.
:'''Will Halstead''': Woah, Herrmann, what's wrong with me?
:'''Jay Halstead''': ''[holds a finger to shush Will]'' Slow down. ''[to Herrmann]'' Who is it?
:'''Herrmann''': She's a great gal. She's cute, you know, and she's in my wife's bridge club.
:'''Will''': ''[snickers]'' Ok, I take it back. Jay, you can have her.
:'''Herrmann''': ''[chuckles]'' Shut up.
:'''Jay''': Thanks.

===''A Dead Kid, a Notebook and a Lot of Maybes'' [3.7]===
:'''Ethan Jones''': Why am I here? I'm the one who got beat up.
:'''Halstead''': Ethan, I think the kids were just scared, not just about Colin. They're scared about you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crawley''': You're just gonna let this kid walk?
:'''[[w:Hank Voight|Voight]]''': I can't arrest him for something he ''might'' do. I can't even hold him. He's a minor.
:'''Crawley''': Since when did Hank Voight become such a stickler for the rules?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Landlord''': It's called a {{w|halfway house}} for a reason. You only know half the stuff that's goin' on.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Halstead''': I was a soldier too.
:'''Ethan''': Yeah?
:'''Halstead''': Yeah man. ''[pauses]'' I've known some heroes. But what you did, going public, telling the truth about what happened...it might just be the bravest thing I've ever seen.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ethan''': Did you lose friends?
:'''Halstead''': Many. Yeah.
:'''Ethan''': How'd you deal with it?
:'''Halstead''': When I get down, I...uh, try to remind myself that they made a sacrifice so that I could come home and live my life. I just try to honor that.

===''Forget My Name'' [3.8]===

===''Never Forget I Love You'' [3.9]===

===''Now I'm God'' [3.10]===

===''Knocked the Family Right Out'' [3.11]===
:'''Platt''': ''[to some patrol officers]'' When it comes to diamonds, there are the four Cs: carat, cut, clarity, and...and character.
:'''Burgess''': ''[walks over to Platt's desk]'' No, it's color. It's color.
:'''Platt''': Must be a regional thing. ''[holds out her ring finger]'' God, that bling is so shiny. I get distracted all the time. Hey, Burgess, I'm going to need my wedding book back now that you and runaway groom have kicked your date into the next century.
:'''Burgess''': My pleasure.
:'''Platt''': Hey, wait a minute. I got an idea. Help me plan ''my'' wedding. Get a little contact high while you wait in line.
:'''Burgess''': That's very tempting.

===''Looking Out For Stateville'' [3.12]===

===''Hit Me'' [3.13]===

===''The Song of Gregory Williams Yates'' [3.14]===
:'''Yates''': ''[to Lindsay]'' We're killers, and at the end of the day, what is more liberating than killing someone? Bad begets bad begets bad, and you, my lovely, you get to tell this story.

===''A Night Owl'' [3.15]===
:'''Brianna Logan''': I don't know what Mouse told you.
:'''Halstead''': He said you used to be a lawyer and now you own a pot shop.
:'''Brianna''': Well, I like to tell people that I entered a budding industry with growth potential.
:'''Halstead''': ''[impassively]'' I bet that always gets a laugh.
:'''Brianna''': Usually a smile. Uh, so Mouse did my security system, and recommended you for security detail. I like ex-cops, um, ex-military, preferably ones that don't scare the customers away. We're an all-cash business. The Feds still won't let us open bank accounts.
:'''Halstead''': If this were, like, six months ago I'd be putting you in handcuffs.
:'''Brianna''': Times change.
:'''Halstead''': ''[deadpan]'' Yeah, that's what they say.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Halstead meets Terry Egan at the marijuana farm]''
:'''Terry''': Want to know something crazy? I just got out of rehab.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lindsay''': Love makes us do crazy things. We know we can't control it, and we spend our whole lives chasing it.

===''The Cases that Need to be Solved'' [3.16]===

===''Forty-Caliber Bread Crumb'' [3.17]===
:'''Ruzek''': You know, I read that something like 73% of men mess around with their wives.
:'''Olinsky''': Where'd you read that?
:'''Ruzek''': ''[smirks]'' ''{{w|Playboy}}''
:'''Atwater''': You took out the centerfold right?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Briggs is locked up in the &quot;cage&quot; while Voight and Halstead are on the outside interrogating him.]''
:'''Halstead''': I'm gonna testify against you at your trial. I'm gonna make your life a living hell.
:'''Briggs''': ''[pulls up his sleeve to reveal a gang tattoo]'' Inside a cage or on the street I'm doing time wherever I stand. I'll ''never'' rat. So how about you just get my jungle juice and baloney sandwich ready in my holding cell? ''[goads Halstead]'' You think you can manage that, pretty boy?
:'''Voight''': ''[to Briggs]'' That's kinda funny. The only reason I'm here is to keep ''him'' from getting to you. And I'm standing over here thinking what the hell I'd do to you if you'd talked to ''me'' like that. If there's one thing I hate, it's a hypocrite. ''[to Halstead]'' You've got five minutes.
:''[Halstead hands his gun and badge to Voight and prepares to go into the &quot;cage&quot;.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Halstead''': The thing is, firefights never scared me. It was coming home and having to look at the faces of the wives and the families of the guys who didn't make it back.

===''Kasual With a K'' [3.18]===
:'''Lindsay''': ''[after interviewing a woman who ran a battered women's shelter]'' They name parks and streets after politicians in this city. Women like that are the real heroes and nobody ever knows their names.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Voight''': You know, every once in a while, a worm like you slips the hook. You know, State's Attorney says there's not enough evidence to prosecute. So, you know, some patsy takes the fall. Worse, he ends up dead, that sort of thing. Me and my unit end up muzzled, even though we know who did it. Hmm? I was thinking about something. See, a long time ago, they told me, those little statues of Justice are blindfolded so she can What is it? So she can remain impartial. You know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking I'm glad she's blindfolded, 'cause there are times I gotta do things she wouldn't want to see.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Voight''': Go back to Atlantic City, Ainge. You got 24 hours, and trust me, I'll come looking for you. I mean, you're not out of my city by then you and me are gonna take a ride. I'll show you parts of Chicago you never seen before. You understand what I'm saying?

===''If We Were Normal'' [3.19]===
:'''Burgess''': I mean, nothing has happened at all at all, but last night there was this moment.. Do you know what I'm talking about? 
:'''Lindsay''': Yeah, I do.
:'''Burgess''': But having been engaged to Ruzek, what you are saying is that I should not be opening the door, right? 
:'''Lindsay''': You want ''me'' to be the one to tell ''you'' that you should not date your partner? ''[raises eyebrows]'' I–– 
:'''Burgess''': Ohhhh! Yeah, no. You know why I forget? I forget sometimes that you and Jay are dating, 'cause you guys make it look so easy.
:'''Lindsay''': ''[surprised]'' Really??

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Halstead''': Ruzek and Burgess...and Roman. That sounds like a horror movie right there.
:'''Lindsay''': It'll probably be a [[w:Motion Picture Association of America film rating system|PG-13]] deal. Nobody's gonna kill anybody.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[At Molly's]''
:'''Herrmann''': Hey, shots on the house. Just something that I created in honor of Mouch and Platt. Two great tastes that taste great together.
:'''Lindsay''': Hermann, thanks.
:''[Herrmann, Halstead and Lindsay down their shots and gag immediately.]''
:'''Herrmann''': Unlike gin and scotch.
:'''Halstead''': ''[laughs]'' Why would you do that to somebody? 
:'''Herrmann''': I don't know. Stupid.
:'''Lindsay''': That's disgusting.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lindsay''': Burgess did ask me for advice about dating a partner.
:'''Halstead''': Yeah? What did you tell her? 
:'''Lindsay''': You know, just That there is one thing that's really hard.
:'''Halstead''': What's that? ''[Lindsay looks away]'' Hey, you can tell me.
:'''Lindsay''': ''[sighs]'' It's just that, you know, when you work together all day and you got to be professional, and you can't tell him that you bought a new outfit and it's sitting in the apartment, still in the box.

===''In A Duffel Bag'' [3.20]===
:'''Lindsay''': Welcome back. I heard the [[w:Dells of the Wisconsin River|Wisconsin Dells]] treated you and Mouch very well.
:'''Platt''': The Wisconsin Dells is God's country. Seven mornings of sleeping in, seven afternoons at the indoor water park, the {{w|Ho-Chunk Casino}}.
:'''Lindsay''': It sounds like a dream come true.
:'''Platt''': Yeah.
:'''Lindsay''': Did anybody fill you in on the baby we found this morning? 
:'''Platt''': ''[interrupts Lindsay]'' Mm, that's good. I'm good. Look, I am in a mood the likes of which have not been seen since 1997, so I just need a 24-hour freeze on people getting shot, running drugs, bashing each other's heads in, and especially abandoned babies on lakefronts, okay? 
:'''Lindsay''': Okay, but the baby's not dead.
:'''Platt''': That is great.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lindsay''': Mothers like that make me wish I could send Bunny a greeting card.
:'''Halstead''': There's a whole section: Glad You Weren't as Bad a Mom as I Thought.

===''Justice'' [3.21]===

===''She's Got Us'' [3.22]===

===''Start Digging'' [3.23]===

==Season 4==
===''The Silos'' [4.1]===
:'''Olinsky''': You have to make so many death notifications on this job. I remember every one. Now to be able to walk up to someone's door, someone who's lost so much, and bring good news? It's a blessing.

===''Made a Wrong Turn'' [4.2]===
:'''Lindsay''': A.C. went out in my apartment last night. It's like ''Dante's Inferno'' in there.
:'''Voight''': Yeah? Which Circle of Hell?
:'''Lindsay''': All of them.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Platt''': ''[to Burgess]'' I can name at least two detectives, both married, and a stable's worth of patrolmen who have confided in me their desire to take you to the futon, hard.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Halstead''': We didn't find any drugs or &quot;paraphenalia&quot; in the car.
:'''Antonio''': Para-'''''pher'''''-nalia. There's an R in there. A lot of people miss it.
:'''Halstead''': Okay, Hooked on Phonics. You want to step outside?
:'''Antonio''': Let's go.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mouse''': I've just been thinking, man. What am I gonna do? Join the academy? Be a 31-year-old rookie? Come on. Over there, I got stripes.
:'''Halstead''': Do you forget what it did to you? Depression? Can't sleep at night? You want that? You want to be You want to be calling me 3:00 in the morning? You can't sleep, you're popping pills? 
:'''Mouse''': I'll learn to deal with it, just like you did.
:'''Halstead''': Greg, you're in the middle of a war in Chicago. You want a war? You're right here, okay?
:'''Mouse''': I'm just being honest, man. Here, there's just Just too much noise. You know, who's right and who's wrong? Over there in Afghanistan, I know that I'm the good guy and they're the bad guys.

===''All Cylinders Firing'' [4.3]===

===''Big Friends, Big Enemies'' [4.4]===
:'''Ruzek''': So, what, you avoiding going home already? 
:'''Lindsay''': What? Dude, I'm working overtime so we can pay off my place faster.
:'''Ruzek''': It's your place.
:'''Lindsay''': Our place.
:'''Ruzek''': Uh-huh.
:'''Lindsay''': It's been four days.
:'''Ruzek''': Well, still.
:'''Lindsay''': What? 
:'''Ruzek''': Nothing.
:'''Lindsay''': I'm not avoiding going home, I....you know, out of all of my friends, I am not going to take relationship insight from you.
:[...]
:'''Ruzek''': You can learn from my mistakes. I just think you and Halstead should have a plan.
:'''Lindsay''': Dude, you and Burgess had the ultimate plan. What happened?
:'''Ruzek''': That's a fair enough point.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Dawson and Olinsky find what appears to be a threesome in bed.]''
:'''Olinsky''': You're her roommates? 
:'''Boyfriend''': I'm her boyfriend.
:'''Man''': I'm nobody.
:'''Olinsky''': We're gonna need a little bit more than that.
:'''Man''': Really? Look, I don't know what you think you saw, but just so you know, nothing was happening between me and him.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Voight''': Look, I know you're gonna do what you're gonna do, but this is your neighborhood, this is your families getting shot up. And we got the offender, he's in custody. So now this is about nothing.

===''A War Zone'' [4.5]===
:'''Mouse''': I've done my job. I've done my job since the day I got here. Busted my ass for you. I never never once asked for OT. And all I'm asking for is a favor a favor so that maybe I can live my life the way that I'd like to.
:'''Voight''': Don't go out like this, Mouse. You've come too far.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Lindsay breaks up an argument between Halstead and Mouse]''
:'''Lindsay''': Listen. What you two went through and what you carry is real. And you know that if you ever need my help carrying it, you just have to ask me. Why are you not listening to him?
:'''Halstead''': Because going back is not the right move for him.
:'''Lindsay''': For you. Him going back is not the right move for you. But if it was if you were the one that wanted to go would you let anybody stand in your way?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Burgess''': ''[to Voight]'' I just wanted to I just wanted to reiterate my desire and my commitment to one day be detailed up to Intelligence. I know that it was offered once before, but I felt that I still had something to learn in patrol. And I'm glad that I stayed. But if the opportunity ever presented itself again, I just want you to know that it would be the best decision that you ever made to have me be a part of your unit.

===''Some Friend'' [4.6]===
:'''Voight''': Relationships count for something in an interview, until they don't, which is something I'll determine.

===''300,000 Likes'' [4.7]===
:'''Oliver Tuxhorn''': Your case against me is dead. You need to move on. Anything else?
:'''Halstead''': Oh, I got a couple things I could add. But I really don't feel like losing my job over a little turd like you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Platt''': ''[to Burgess]'' You're pissed. You're miserable. You want a new partner. I get it, but, Burgess, it is not that easy. You're just gonna have to suck it up.

===''A Shot Heard Around the World'' [4.8]===
:'''Halstead''': It's good to see you, Bunny.
:'''Bunny''': Jay, nice to meet you formally.
:'''Lindsay''': So Jay and I are living together now.
:'''Halstead''': I've heard a lot of good things about you.
:'''Bunny''': No, you haven't.
:'''Lindsay''': Okay. Let's just keep this short and sweet, even if we all have to fake it. 
:'''Bunny''': Sweetheart, I've been meaning to call you because... ''[looks at Halstead]'' Jay, would you mind? Could we just have one minute? 
:'''Halstead''': Sure. ''[gets out of his seat but Lindsay grabs his arm]''
:'''Lindsay''': No. ''[Halstead sits back down]'' What is wrong with you? What do you need? Do you need to borrow money? You can't just come have breakfast with my boyfriend and be nice and leave it at that?
:'''Bunny''': We need to talk.
:'''Lindsay''': Then talk.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Suspect''': ''[after being arrested]'' If I killed the police, I wouldn't waste a bullet on a kid. I'd go after one of the old-timers, just like you, where all our problems really started.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Voight''': I heard your partner...what's his name, Sorensen? 
:'''Burgess''': Yeah.
:'''Voight''': That he turned his badge in.
:'''Burgess''': ''[bitterly]'' Yeah. He's not here to give his version, so I'm gonna hold off on mine.

===''Don't Bury This Case'' [4.9]===
:'''Voight''': ''[to Burgess]'' I'm not looking for the &quot;Yes&quot; police, I'm looking for the real police, which we both know you are.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Burgess''': What did he [Adam] say about me moving upstairs? 
:'''Atwater''': Um, seemed pretty delighted, actually.
:'''Burgess''': I know that you got your bro code and all, but you and me we go way back.
:'''Atwater''': Okay, maybe &quot;delighted&quot; is the wrong word.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Olinsky''': Hank, do me a favor, man. Put Burgess with somebody else.
:'''Voight''': Well, there is nobody else.
:'''Olinsky''': Have her run plates, or write up warrants, or something.
:'''Voight''': Come on, what's the problem, Al?
:'''Olinsky''': This job is going to rip her heart out. And I don't want a front row seat.
:'''Voight''': Either it will or it won't but she's earned the right to find out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Burgess''': Hi, Sarge.
:'''Platt''': Well, look at you. All overdressed.

===''Don't Read the News'' [4.10]===

===''You Wish'' [4.11]===

===''Sanctuary'' [4.12]===

===''I Remember Her Now'' [4.13]===
:'''Lindsay''': Hey Sarge, you got a minute?
:'''Platt''': For you, but if you see Burgess the &quot;nod and go&quot; policy is still in effect. My desk is not a [[wiktionary:coffee klatch|coffee klatch]].
:'''Lindsay''': A what?
:'''Platt''': Somebody said that to me. That ''my'' desk had turned into a coffee klatch, a chit-chat coffee klatch.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Social worker''': ''[to Platt]'' My sister-in-law is a paramedic. She says that the only way to do the job is to treat them, drop them at the hospital, then forget. Says otherwise it empties you.

===''Seven Indictments'' [4.14]===
:'''Lindsay''': ''[shows Halstead her paper target during firearms requalification]'' You can frame this if you want, you know, for younger generations to marvel.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Voight''': Torching the place is one way to get out of paying the rest of your lease.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Halstead''': ''[to Rixton]'' Uh, hey, um, I'd I'd like to publicly apologize. There were some whispers and some gossip. I ran with it, and I shouldn't have, okay? You know, this this whole nonsense I was leading the charge on this. I'm sorry, man. I had a bad experience with a guy in my unit when I was overseas, who was not who he claimed to be. And that's my problem. That's not yours. You're a solid dude, and a good cop, so whatever happened in the gang unit doesn't matter, all right? Man to man, and to the whole team, um, I'm sorry.

===''Favor, Affection, Malice or Ill-Will'' [4.15]===
:'''Omar Fry''': Running like he was just shooting. And I know what that looks like.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Burgess''': Him coming back? It sounds like Voight just shut the door on that. 
:'''Rixton''': Yeah, but where do you stand on that?
:'''Burgess''': You've been great, Kenny. A real asset.

===''Emotional Proximity'' (2) [4.16]===

===''Remember the Devil'' [4.17]===
:'''Platt''': ''[to Jay, shows Will up to the squad room]'' Thought they were rousting vagrants when this one stumbled in.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ruzek''': ''[speaking to witness about the suspect]'' Do you think you could remember his face?
:'''Anthony Ochoa''': Would you remember the devil if you met him?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Halstead''': ''[to Lindsay]'' Who I was back then, I'm not proud of it, and and I know you think that everything's behind, but it's not.

===''Little Bit of Light'' [4.18]===

===''Last Minute Resistance'' [4.19]===

:'''Lindsay''': Harry Klinsman. Chicago PD. We need to talk.
:'''Harry Klinsman''': About what?
:'''Lindsay''': Manslut and what you were doing last night.
:'''Klinsman''': I'm sorry. I'm in the middle of something but if you leave your card, I'll get back to you. ''[returning to phone call]'' Sorry about that. Yeah, it's like I said..
:'''Halstead''': Are you sure that's how you want to play this, man?
:'''Klinsman''': I went to law school, okay? I know my rights. ''[back to phone]'' A thousand apologies.
:'''Halstead''': ''[loudly to the entire office]'' Excuse me! Chicago Police. Was anybody here with Manslut last night? Anybody? Manslut?
:'''Worker''': Who's Manslut?
:'''Halstead''': It's - what do you call it? It's like his alter-ego.
:'''Klinsman''': ''[hanging up]'' I will give you a call back.
:'''Halstead''': Anybody? Manslut?
:'''Klinsman''': All right. All right. Let's talk. Just don't do that.

===''Grasping for Salvation'' [4.20]===

===''Fagin'' [4.21]===

===''Army of One'' [4.22]===

===''Fork in the Road'' [4.23]===
:'''Jay Halstead''': I want you to give me the key to Mom's safety deposit box. I'm gonna ask Erin to marry me. She's all I think about, and she has been there for me every step of the way.
:'''Will Halstead''': Why now? You two aren't even together. Are you?
:'''Jay''':  No, we're not. But she's in real trouble right now, and I want to be there for her. I blew it once, but I'm ready.
:'''Will''': Jay, this girl does not want to be saved. Okay, what you should be doing is putting some distance there.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Will, Jay and others are having drinks at Molly's]''
:'''Ruzek''': I texted both her and Burgess. Kim's on her way, but I never heard back from Lindsay.
:'''Atwater''': I wonder if she heard back from the board already.
:'''Ruzek''': Maybe, but that's all the more reason to celebrate, right? 
:'''Upton''': Yeah, or drown her sorrows.
:'''Ruzek''': Jeez.
:'''Upton''': Sorry. I'm Greek. I see tragedy in everything.
:'''Will''': I thought you guys were supposed to be fearless.
:'''Upton''': Yeah. And on the streets, I'd like to think I am, but the ivory tower that place is like a minefield with an elevator.

==Season 5==
===''Reform'' [5.1]===
===''The Thing About Heroes'' [5.2]===
===''Promise'' [5.3]===
===''Snitch'' [5.4]===
===''Home'' [5.5]===
===''Fallen'' [5.6]===
===''Care Under Fire'' [5.7]===
:'''Halstead''': Was your brother in the Army? 
:'''Camila Vega''': Yeah, he was. Ranger.
:'''Halstead''': Me too. I must have seen him at [[w:Fort Benning|Benning]].
:'''Camila''': Hoorah! 
:'''Halstead''': That's the Marines.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Denny Woods''': Young people like you hang around Hank Voight long enough, you start thinking he's real police. Old timer. Tough. Invincible. Rubs off on you a bit, huh? 
:'''Ruzek''': Who in the hell do you think it is taught him to be that way? 
:'''Woods''': You don't talk to me like that ever.

===''Politics'' [5.8]===
===''Monster'' [5.9]===
===''Rabbit Hole'' [5.10]===
:'''Upton''': You're off the hook for the murder. But you will be charged with felony drug distribution. And more than likely, accessory to murder. However, if you cooperate, I can probably convince them to look the other way on that. And help you out with that drug charge.
:'''Camila''': What do you mean &quot;cooperate?&quot; 
:'''Upton''': Just keep your mouth shut about Jay. He's a guy that came into your bar, asked questions. The night of the murder, you were at a party with a bunch of your friends. One of them was Ryan. Later, you found out he was a cop. No sex. No back room.
:'''Camila''': What, like I never even knew him? 
:'''Upton''': You didn't. You do that, I'll give you a chance to have a life. You don't, I'll bury you.
:'''Camila''': I won't say a word. ''[pauses]'' Like hell if I didn't know him. The person you know, that's the lie.

===''Confidential'' [5.11]===
:'''Eduardo''': I didn't help get no one killed. That's not what I'm about.
:'''Atwater''': Right, because you teach Sunday school.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ruzek''': Antonio, man now I know why he's got so many [[:w:Confidential informant|CI]]s. He sees the opportunity, he just makes the ask. 
:'''Atwater''': Right? I mean, we were all there. I feel like Eduardo should be a group CI or something. I mean, I don't understand how Antonio gets dibs.
:'''Ruzek''': Because he asked.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Ruzek''': Why is she protecting that son of a bitch? I don't get it.
:'''Burgess''': Because she's in love with him.
:'''Ruzek''': In love with him? 
:'''Burgess''': Yeah.
:'''Ruzek''': That's not love. That's {{w|Stockholm syndrome}}.
:'''Burgess''': Try telling her it's not love. Sometimes people....they trick themselves into believing what they want to believe, because it feels better than the alternative.
:'''Ruzek''': Well, sometimes it's real. And there's no tricks or delusions. It's just good. It might be complicated, but it's honest.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Upton''': Hey, how you doing? How's therapy? 
:'''Halstead''': Not really my thing.
:'''Upton''': All right, well, if you're not going to take it seriously or even attempt to take it seriously, let me know. For real, because I need to find a new partner.

===''Captive'' [5.12]===
:'''Ruzek''': ''[to Platt and Burgess]'' Ladies, it's Friday night. Let's get to Molly's and make some bad decisions.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Burgess''': Okay, so I heard that Otis convinced Herrmann to put a karaoke machine in at Molly's.
:'''Platt''': Bad idea. Attracts the wrong kind of crowd.
:'''Burgess''': I don't know, could be really fun.
:'''Platt''': When pigs fly, Burgess.
:''[Scene cuts to Platt loudly singing {{w|Rose Royce}}'s &quot;[[:w:Car Wash (song)|Car Wash]]&quot; and Intelligence in the audience cheering]''
:'''Upton''': You're next, Antonio. How about a little Sinatra? 
:'''Dawson''': That's grandpa music. ''[flips through the karaoke machine catalog]'' I'll find something.
:'''Upton''': Seriously? 
:'''Dawson''': Yeah.
:'''Upton''': ''[to Halstead]'' You understand the majesty of the Chairman of the Board, right? ''[sees Halstead staring off and smacks him in the shoulder]'' Jay, come back.
:'''Halstead''': I wouldn't mind hearing a little &quot;{{w|Summer Wind}}&quot;.

===''Chasing Monsters'' [5.13]===
:'''Dawson''': Guess it doesn't matter where you're a cop, huh? Job has the same effect.

===''Anthem'' [5.14]===
:''[Halstead and Upton are undercover at an anti-police protest.]''
:'''Protester:''' When we protest racism, some people think - we protest America. ''[crowd cheers]'' But protesting injustice, that's what the [[w:Flag of the United States|flag]] stands for.
:'''Halstead''': ''[to Upton]'' I got no respect for this kid. I got six friends who died for this flag.

===''Sisterhood'' [5.15]===
===''Profiles'' [5.16]===
===''Breaking Point'' [5.17]===
===''Ghosts'' [5.18]===
:'''Halstead''': You gotta tell Voight.
:'''Upton''': I can handle this, Jay.
:'''Halstead''': That's exactly what I said to you. You remember that? And then you called me out and you told me I was full of crap.

===''Payback'' [5.19]===
===''Saved'' [5.20]===
===''Allegiance'' [5.21]===
===''Homecoming'' [5.22]===

==Season 6==
===''New Normal'' [6.1]===
:'''Voight''': Listen, it has been a very long few days. With a lot of pain. A lot of anger. I get it. And I don't expect these emotions to just disappear overnight. But going forward, we need to be a team. One team. No more fighting. No more crap.

===''Endings'' [6.2]===
:'''Halstead''': All right, look, my father and I we never clicked. He didn't want me to enlist. He didn't want me to be a cop. Guy didn't even show up when I graduated from the academy. He was embarrassed. So I learned to keep my distance, and now he's gone. That's it. I'm learning how to deal with it on my own. You don't have to question if I'm all right.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Voight''': It's my job to keep you alive, to look out for you.

===''Bad Boys'' [6.3]===

===''Ride Along'' [6.4]===

===''Fathers and Sons'' [6.5]===
:'''Ruzek''': I need you to know that my father, you know, he he's not perfect but he's not dirty.
:[...]
:'''Voight''': Hey, he's your father. Means he's family.

===''True or False'' [6.6]===

===''Trigger'' [6.7]===
:'''Upton''': Hey, give you a ride home? Buy you a beer?
:'''Halstead''': Thanks, I think I'm just––
:'''Upton''': ''[cuts in]'' Yeah I know you wanna be alone but this is just part of the thing so...
:'''Halstead''': What &quot;thing&quot;?
:'''Upton''': The thing that works between us. Bad case. One of us doesn't want the other one around. The other one stays anyway. We talk, we feel better and we're able to go to work the next day. It works.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Halstead''': A lot of horrible things happened when I was overseas. And I know I can't just, like, flip a switch and just turn that off but I do the work and you learn to deal with the triggers and stress. The war was a part of my life, it's not who I am. Not anymore.

===''Black and Blue'' [6.8]===

===''Descent'' [6.9]===

===''Brotherhood'' [6.10]===

===''Trust'' [6.11]===

===''Outrage'' [6.12]===

===''Night in Chicago'' [6.13]===

===''Ties That Bind'' [6.14]===

===''Good Men'' [6.15]===

===''The Forgotten'' [6.16]===

===''Pain Killer'' [6.17]===

===''This City'' [6.18]===

===''What Could Have Been'' [6.19]===

===''Sacrifice'' [6.20]===

===''Confusion'' [6.21]===

===''Reckoning'' [6.22]===

== Cast ==
* {{w|Jason Beghe}} as Detective Sergeant {{w|Henry &quot;Hank&quot; Voight}}
* {{w|Jon Seda}} as Detective {{w|Antonio Dawson}}
* {{w|Jesse Lee Soffer}} as Detective {{w|Jay Halstead}}
* {{w|Sophia Bush}} as Detective {{w|Erin Lindsay}}
* {{w|Elias Koteas}} as Detective Alvin Olinsky
* {{w|Patrick Flueger}} as Officer {{w|Adam Ruzek}}
* {{w|Amy Morton}} as Sergeant Trudy Platt
* {{w|LaRoyce Hawkins}} as Officer Kevin Atwater
* {{w|Marina Squerciati}} as Officer {{w|Kim Burgess}}
* {{w|Archie Kao}} as Sheldon Jin (season 1 only)
* {{w|Brian Geraghty}} as Officer {{w|Sean Roman}}
* Lisseth Chavez as Officer Vanessa Rojas

===Recurring===
* {{w|Stella Maeve}} as Nadia Decotis, the Intelligence Unit's administrative assistant
* {{w|Markie Post}} as &quot;Bunny&quot;, biological mother of Erin Lindsay
* {{w|Josh Segarra}} as Justin Voight, son of Hank Voight
* {{w|Nick Wechsler}} as Detective Kenny Rixton 
* {{w|Tracy Spiridakos}} as Detective Hailey Upton

===Crossover===

====''[[Chicago Fire (TV series)|Fire]]''====
* {{w|Monica Raymund}} as Paramedic in Charge / Firefighter Candidate Gabriela &quot;Gabby&quot; Dawson: sister of Antonio Dawson
* {{w|Taylor Kinney}} as Lieutenant Kelly Severide: Rescue Squad 3 and ex-boyfriend of Erin Lindsay
* {{w|Christian Stolte}} as Randy &quot;Mouch&quot; McHolland: Truck Co. 81 and boyfriend of Sergeant Platt
* {{w|David Eigenberg}} as Christopher Herrmann: Truck Co. 81 and co-owner of Molly's with Gabby Dawson
* {{w|Kara Killmer}} as Paramedic Sylvie Brett: Ambulance 61
* {{w|Eamonn Walker}} as Chief Wallace Boden: Battalion 25

====''[[Chicago Med|Med]]''====
* {{w|Nick Gehlfuss}} as Dr. Will Halstead: brother of Detective Jay Halstead
* {{w|Oliver Platt}} as Dr. Daniel Charles: a psychiatrist 

====''[[Law &amp; Order: Special Victims Unit]]''====
* {{w|Mariska Hargitay}} as Detective {{w|Olivia Benson}}
* {{w|Kelli Giddish}} as Detective {{w|Amanda Rollins}}

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:2010s American crime drama TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s American crime drama TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American police procedural TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s American police procedural TV shows]]
[[Category:American television spin-offs]]
[[Category:Current shows]]
[[Category:NBC shows]]
[[Category:Television shows featuring audio description]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Drake &amp; Josh/Season 1</title>
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      <id>3153785</id>
      <parentid>3153086</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-12T02:25:21Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>68.196.68.120</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Pilot */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
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      <text bytes="10366" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 1|1]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 2|2]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 3|3]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 4|4]] | [[Drake &amp; Josh|Main]]
----
'''''[[w:Drake &amp; Josh|Drake &amp; Josh]]''''' is an American television sitcom created by Dan Schneider for Nickelodeon. The series follows the lives of two teenage boys with opposite personalities, Drake Parker (Drake Bell) and Josh Nichols (Josh Peck), who are stepbrothers.

===Pilot=== 
:''[first opening comments, introducing Drake Parker and Josh Nichols]''
:'''Drake''': ''[first lines]'' My name's Drake Parker. 
:'''Josh''': I'm Josh Nichols. 
:'''Drake''': I should probably be doing my homework. 
:'''Josh''': I'm just doing a little homework here. 
:'''Drake''': But it's more fun to do this. ''[plays his guitar]'' 
:'''Drake and Josh''': Man, I'm thirsty. ''[both take their drinks each]'' 
:'''Drake''': I live here with my mom and my little sister, Megan. 
:'''Josh''': I've got a great family, even though it's just me and my dad. I love that guy. 
:'''Drake''': I love girls. ''[drinks]'' So my mom's been dating this guy. 
:'''Josh''': So my dad's been dating this woman. She's really great. 
:'''Drake''': He's okay, but he's got this kid that goes to my school. 
:'''Josh''': She has a son that goes to my school. Drake. 
:'''Drake''': Josh. It's not that I have anything against Josh. 
:'''Josh''': I really don't know Drake all that well. 
:'''Drake and Josh''': But he seems kinda… 
:'''Josh''':...Okay. 
:'''Drake''':...Unusual. 
:''[the scene cuts to the living room where Drake shudders as he sees Audrey and Walter making out and he blows a whistle, making them scream]''
:'''Audrey''': Drake!
:'''Drake''': Hey, mom. Mr. Nichols.
:''[Josh bursts into the living room while brandishing a mop]''
:'''Josh''': What happened?! I heard screaming!
:'''Walter''': It's alright, son, there's nothing to mop here.
:'''Drake''': Josh, wh-what are you doing here, what's he doing here?
:'''Josh''': Tell him.
:'''Audrey''': Wait, uh, Drake, quick, get your sister.
:'''Drake''': ''[yelling]'' Megan!
:'''Megan''': ''[referring to her parents; disgusted]'' Ugh, are they done sucking face yet?
:'''Audrey''': Kids, Josh's dad and I have been going out for a long time now, and we have some news!
:'''Drake''': You got me a dirt bike?
:'''Audrey''': No. ''[she and Walter exchange looks]''
:'''Audrey and Walter''': WE'RE GETTING MARRIED! ''[Drake acts like he is having a heart attack in disbelief and shock]''
:'''Drake''': You're getting m-m-m...?
:'''Walter''': Yeah, we're gonna be one big old, happy family!
:'''Drake''': Wait, wait, you mean, he's going to be my- my stepfather? ''[Walter chuckles and nods as Drake points at Josh]'' And you! ''[Josh nods, smiling]'' You're gonna be my-? H-He's gonna be my...?
:'''Josh''': Hug me, brotha'! ''[he hugs Drake, lifting him a bit while Drake screams in dismay]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[the door knocks]''
:'''Tiffany''': Who's that?
:'''Josh''': I don't know. ''[door knocks louder]'' Alright, alright, I'm coming. ''[he walks over to open the door and Buck barges the door open on Josh]''
:'''Tiffany''': Buck!
:'''Buck''': ''[he grabs Josh by his shirt]'' So, it's true!
:'''Josh''': What? That I have a concussion?
:'''Buck''': I turn my back for 5 minutes, and you're on a date with... with this clown?!
:'''Josh''': Trouble, breathing!
:'''Tiffany''': Look, I can date whoever I want.
:'''Buck''': Yeah? Well, you can't date a guy with no HEAD! ''[Josh cries]'' You're hamburger meat. You understand me?
:'''Josh''': ''[crying]'' But I'm a vegetarian!
:'''Buck''': Monday, 3:00, you and me. Have an ambulance ready. ''[shoves Josh against the wall, then leaves]''
:'''Tiffany''': That was so romantic!
:'''Drake''': ''[comes out of the kitchen]'' And dessert is here. Josh, I thought you had to pee.
:'''Josh''': ''[looks down at his pants]'' Done. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:'''Josh''': May I? 
:'''Drake''': Hug me, brotha!

===Dune Buggy=== 
:'''Trevor''': I just came to see how the dune buggy's coming. It's looking good. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:'''Josh''': You, uh, wanted to chat?
:'''Drake''': Why did you make him attack me?
:'''Josh''': 'Cause it's about time you stopped getting away with everything!
:'''Drake''': What's that supposed to-
:'''Josh''': You threw the pillows! You talked me into lying about the TV! You got me grounded! And you took our dune buggy out when you weren't supposed to, and you wrecked it!
:'''Drake''': What-what-what're you talking about?
:'''Josh''': I got a call from the emergency room! You left your wallet there. 
:'''Drake''': ''[looks awkwardly]'' Oh.
:'''Josh''': Yeah. And I saw the buggy.
:'''Drake''': Do mom and dad know?
:'''Josh''': They're gonna!
:'''Drake''': Don't you do that to me!
:'''Josh''': Fine! You tell them.
:'''Drake''': Are you crazy?
:'''Josh''': No, I'm honest!
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Josh''': I'm grounded for two weeks!
:'''Drake''': Josh, you know what-? 
:'''Josh''': We spent like 100 hours on that dune buggy trying to fix it up, and you ruined it! And you're hurt. But all you can think about is, getting away with it. ''[mockingly]'' &quot;Ooh, I'm Drake! I'm so cool, I get away with everything!&quot; Fine. I'll just stay grounded and I'll fix the dune buggy, again, and you just keep worrying about yourself. ''[beat]'' It's what you're best at.
:'''Drake''': Oh, yeah?! Well, you're not so-! Ow.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[racked with guilt, Drake confesses to Walter and Audrey, and they ground Drake for two weeks, much to Josh's delight]''
:'''Josh''': Pizza's here.
:'''Drake''': Thanks. ''[he takes it and opens it up while Josh smiles]'' What are you smiling about?
:'''Josh''': The great Drake, grounded for two weeks. I love it!
:'''Drake''': Yeah, me, too.
:'''Josh''': Heh?
:'''Drake''': Two weeks, laying in bed, no school, playing a little guitar, watching a little TV, you bringing me pizzas. Yeah, being grounded is ba-a-ad.
:'''Josh''': I- I don't understand-!
:'''Drake''': Hold that thought. ''[through his walkie-talkie]'' Hey, Dad, could you bring me a root beer, a couple magazines, and, in about 20 minutes maybe some ice cream?
:'''Walter''': ''[through his walkie-talkie]'' Yeah. I'll get Josh right on it. Jo-osh!
:'''Josh''': Aw, come on!

===Believe Me, Brother===
:'''Susan''': Josh, it's not unintentional at all.
:'''Josh''': I knew it! ''[Susan grabs his face and kisses him; Drake walks in the house]''
:'''Drake''': Susan?
:'''Susan''': Ew! Josh, what are you trying to do? I'm Drake's girlfriend! Oh, Drake, you're here.
:'''Josh''': Drake, it's not what you think. Just one second. ''[turns around]'' Oh, dear Lord, thank you so much for my very first kiss! Amen! Drake, I swear. It's not what you think.

&lt;hr width='50%'/&gt; 
:'''Susan''': Drake! That's- That's not what it looks like! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[after Susan dumps both of them]''
:'''Josh''': I think we handled that very maturely.
:'''Drake''': Yes, that felt good.
:''[Susan gets shot with a paint cannon on her from her locker]''
:'''Susan''': Ugh!
:'''Drake''': That felt better.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, it did.

===Two Idiots and a Baby===
:'''Drake''': There! There, there, he's done. Now, all we need is a dia- ''[all screams in disgust as Max pees on them]'' 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:''[Josh is sanding his Catapult while Drake is trying to work on a song]''
:'''Drake''': Josh! I'm working on a song here. Do you have to make all that noise? ''[he unplugs the Sander]'' Dude, I can't concentrate.
:'''Josh''': ''[shouting]'' I can't hear you! I'm wearing earplugs!
:'''Drake''': Oh. ''[Drake rips the earplugs from Josh's ears, and Josh screams in pain]'' Dude, can't you build your mechanic dork machine somewhere else?
:'''Josh''': It's not a dork machine. It's a one a scaled working replica of a Medieval Catapult.
:'''Drake''': So?
:'''Josh''': ''So,'' when I'm done, this baby's gonna be able to fling stuff over 50 feet through the air. ''[he launches the Catapult]''
:'''Drake''': Impressive. Oh, hey, hey. Why don't you climb in and fling yourself out of my room?
:'''Josh''': This is my room.
:'''Drake''': It was my room first.
:'''Josh''': Alright, let's compromise. We could- ''[Drake strums his guitar a first time]'' I was going to say- ''[Drake strums a second time]'' But I just wanted- ''[Drake strums a third time]'' Headaches! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake comes home from his concert and finds Megan looking at a box in the garage]''
:'''Drake''': Alright. Where is he?
:'''Megan''': I think he's dangling from the gutter.
:'''Drake''': Not Josh. The baby.
:'''Megan''': What makes you think that I would have the baby?
:'''Drake''': Because you're a devious, twisted little girl.
:'''Megan''': ''[laughs]'' Why thank you, Drake.
:'''Drake''': ''[picks Megan up by her shirt]'' Where is the baby?

===First Crush===
:'''Drake and Josh''': And the most important thing is to be yourself.
:'''Drake''': ...Unless you're Josh.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': Do you want to be honest, or do you want a girlfriend?
:'''Josh''': Girlfriend, please. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Drake''': Ah! Snake!

===Grammy===
:'''Scotty''': Can you believe it? We made it backstage.
:'''Rina''': This is not backstage!
:'''Paul''': This is practically jail.
:'''Drake''': Those guys are cops.
:'''Rina''': Yes! Scary cops who are going to arrest us for having fake tickets, Scotty!
:'''Scotty''': Guys, the tickets are not fake.
:'''Drake''': Are you sure?
:'''Scotty''': I photocopied them myself. ''[everyone looks upset]'' What?
:'''Drake''': You can't photocopy tickets!
:'''Scotty''': Yes, you can! You just put them on the glass, close the liddy thingy and press copy. Any moron could do it.
:'''Drake''': No, not just any moron. It takes a special moron, like you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Grammy''': Your butt itches? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Josh''': Why are you so mean to Drake?
:'''Grammy''': Because I know his type. I dated 12 musicians like him before I dated your gramps.
:'''Josh''': I don't think I want to know about you dating a dozen musical men.
:'''Grammy''': Then I won't tell you what happened last Saturday night.
:'''Josh''': ''[jokingly]'' Uh-oh, am I going to see you on a commercial for &quot;Grammys Gone Wild?&quot;

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Drake &amp; Josh}}
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]
[[Category:Drake &amp; Josh seasons]]</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153786</id>
      <parentid>3153785</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-12T02:28:32Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>68.196.68.120</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Pilot */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="10369" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 1|1]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 2|2]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 3|3]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 4|4]] | [[Drake &amp; Josh|Main]]
----
'''''[[w:Drake &amp; Josh|Drake &amp; Josh]]''''' is an American television sitcom created by Dan Schneider for Nickelodeon. The series follows the lives of two teenage boys with opposite personalities, Drake Parker (Drake Bell) and Josh Nichols (Josh Peck), who are stepbrothers.

===Pilot=== 
:''[first opening comments, introducing Drake Parker and Josh Nichols]''
:'''Drake''': ''[first lines]'' My name's Drake Parker. 
:'''Josh''': I'm Josh Nichols. 
:'''Drake''': I should probably be doing my homework. 
:'''Josh''': I'm just doing a little homework here. 
:'''Drake''': But it's more fun to do this. ''[plays his guitar]'' 
:'''Drake and Josh''': Man, I'm thirsty. ''[both take their drinks each]'' 
:'''Drake''': I live here with my mom and my little sister, Megan. 
:'''Josh''': I've got a great family, even though it's just me and my dad. I love that guy. 
:'''Drake''': I love girls. ''[drinks]'' So my mom's been dating this guy. 
:'''Josh''': So my dad's been dating this woman. She's really great. 
:'''Drake''': He's okay, but he's got this kid that goes to my school. 
:'''Josh''': She has a son that goes to my school. Drake. 
:'''Drake''': Josh. It's not that I have anything against Josh. 
:'''Josh''': I really don't know Drake all that well. 
:'''Drake and Josh''': But he seems kinda… 
:'''Josh''':...Okay. 
:'''Drake''':...Unusual. 
:''[the scene cuts to the living room where Drake shudders as he sees Audrey and Walter making out and he blows a whistle, making them scream]''
:'''Audrey''': Drake!
:'''Drake''': Hey, mom. Mr. Nichols.
:''[Josh bursts into the living room while brandishing a mop]''
:'''Josh''': What happened?! I heard screaming!
:'''Walter''': It's alright, son, there's nothing to mop here.
:'''Drake''': Josh, wh-what are you doing here, what's he doing here?
:'''Josh''': Tell him.
:'''Audrey''': Wait, uh, Drake, quick, get your sister.
:'''Drake''': ''[yelling]'' Megan!
:'''Megan''': ''[referring to her parents; disgusted]'' Ugh, are they done sucking face yet?
:'''Audrey''': Kids, Josh's dad and I have been going out for a long time now, and we have some news!
:'''Drake''': You got me a dirt bike?
:'''Audrey''': No. ''[she and Walter exchange looks]''
:'''Audrey and Walter''': WE'RE GETTING MARRIED! ''[Drake acts like he is having a heart attack in disbelief and shock]''
:'''Drake''': You're getting ma-ma-ma...?
:'''Walter''': Yeah, we're gonna be one big old, happy family!
:'''Drake''': Wait, wait, you mean, he's going to be my- my stepfather? ''[Walter chuckles and nods as Drake points at Josh]'' And you! ''[Josh nods, smiling]'' You're gonna be my-? H-He's gonna be my...?
:'''Josh''': Hug me, brotha'! ''[he hugs Drake, lifting him a bit while Drake screams in dismay]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[the door knocks]''
:'''Tiffany''': Who's that?
:'''Josh''': I don't know. ''[door knocks louder]'' Alright, alright, I'm coming. ''[he walks over to open the door and Buck barges the door open on Josh]''
:'''Tiffany''': Buck!
:'''Buck''': ''[he grabs Josh by his shirt]'' So, it's true!
:'''Josh''': What? That I have a concussion?
:'''Buck''': I turn my back for 5 minutes, and you're on a date with... with this clown?!
:'''Josh''': Trouble, breathing!
:'''Tiffany''': Look, I can date whoever I want.
:'''Buck''': Yeah? Well, you can't date a guy with no HEAD! ''[Josh cries]'' You're hamburger meat. You understand me?
:'''Josh''': ''[crying]'' But I'm a vegetarian!
:'''Buck''': Monday, 3:00, you and me. Have an ambulance ready. ''[shoves Josh against the wall, then leaves]''
:'''Tiffany''': That was so romantic!
:'''Drake''': ''[comes out of the kitchen]'' And dessert is here. Josh, I thought you had to pee.
:'''Josh''': ''[looks down at his pants]'' Done. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:'''Josh''': May I? 
:'''Drake''': Hug me, brotha!

===Dune Buggy=== 
:'''Trevor''': I just came to see how the dune buggy's coming. It's looking good. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:'''Josh''': You, uh, wanted to chat?
:'''Drake''': Why did you make him attack me?
:'''Josh''': 'Cause it's about time you stopped getting away with everything!
:'''Drake''': What's that supposed to-
:'''Josh''': You threw the pillows! You talked me into lying about the TV! You got me grounded! And you took our dune buggy out when you weren't supposed to, and you wrecked it!
:'''Drake''': What-what-what're you talking about?
:'''Josh''': I got a call from the emergency room! You left your wallet there. 
:'''Drake''': ''[looks awkwardly]'' Oh.
:'''Josh''': Yeah. And I saw the buggy.
:'''Drake''': Do mom and dad know?
:'''Josh''': They're gonna!
:'''Drake''': Don't you do that to me!
:'''Josh''': Fine! You tell them.
:'''Drake''': Are you crazy?
:'''Josh''': No, I'm honest!
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Josh''': I'm grounded for two weeks!
:'''Drake''': Josh, you know what-? 
:'''Josh''': We spent like 100 hours on that dune buggy trying to fix it up, and you ruined it! And you're hurt. But all you can think about is, getting away with it. ''[mockingly]'' &quot;Ooh, I'm Drake! I'm so cool, I get away with everything!&quot; Fine. I'll just stay grounded and I'll fix the dune buggy, again, and you just keep worrying about yourself. ''[beat]'' It's what you're best at.
:'''Drake''': Oh, yeah?! Well, you're not so-! Ow.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[racked with guilt, Drake confesses to Walter and Audrey, and they ground Drake for two weeks, much to Josh's delight]''
:'''Josh''': Pizza's here.
:'''Drake''': Thanks. ''[he takes it and opens it up while Josh smiles]'' What are you smiling about?
:'''Josh''': The great Drake, grounded for two weeks. I love it!
:'''Drake''': Yeah, me, too.
:'''Josh''': Heh?
:'''Drake''': Two weeks, laying in bed, no school, playing a little guitar, watching a little TV, you bringing me pizzas. Yeah, being grounded is ba-a-ad.
:'''Josh''': I- I don't understand-!
:'''Drake''': Hold that thought. ''[through his walkie-talkie]'' Hey, Dad, could you bring me a root beer, a couple magazines, and, in about 20 minutes maybe some ice cream?
:'''Walter''': ''[through his walkie-talkie]'' Yeah. I'll get Josh right on it. Jo-osh!
:'''Josh''': Aw, come on!

===Believe Me, Brother===
:'''Susan''': Josh, it's not unintentional at all.
:'''Josh''': I knew it! ''[Susan grabs his face and kisses him; Drake walks in the house]''
:'''Drake''': Susan?
:'''Susan''': Ew! Josh, what are you trying to do? I'm Drake's girlfriend! Oh, Drake, you're here.
:'''Josh''': Drake, it's not what you think. Just one second. ''[turns around]'' Oh, dear Lord, thank you so much for my very first kiss! Amen! Drake, I swear. It's not what you think.

&lt;hr width='50%'/&gt; 
:'''Susan''': Drake! That's- That's not what it looks like! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[after Susan dumps both of them]''
:'''Josh''': I think we handled that very maturely.
:'''Drake''': Yes, that felt good.
:''[Susan gets shot with a paint cannon on her from her locker]''
:'''Susan''': Ugh!
:'''Drake''': That felt better.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, it did.

===Two Idiots and a Baby===
:'''Drake''': There! There, there, he's done. Now, all we need is a dia- ''[all screams in disgust as Max pees on them]'' 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:''[Josh is sanding his Catapult while Drake is trying to work on a song]''
:'''Drake''': Josh! I'm working on a song here. Do you have to make all that noise? ''[he unplugs the Sander]'' Dude, I can't concentrate.
:'''Josh''': ''[shouting]'' I can't hear you! I'm wearing earplugs!
:'''Drake''': Oh. ''[Drake rips the earplugs from Josh's ears, and Josh screams in pain]'' Dude, can't you build your mechanic dork machine somewhere else?
:'''Josh''': It's not a dork machine. It's a one a scaled working replica of a Medieval Catapult.
:'''Drake''': So?
:'''Josh''': ''So,'' when I'm done, this baby's gonna be able to fling stuff over 50 feet through the air. ''[he launches the Catapult]''
:'''Drake''': Impressive. Oh, hey, hey. Why don't you climb in and fling yourself out of my room?
:'''Josh''': This is my room.
:'''Drake''': It was my room first.
:'''Josh''': Alright, let's compromise. We could- ''[Drake strums his guitar a first time]'' I was going to say- ''[Drake strums a second time]'' But I just wanted- ''[Drake strums a third time]'' Headaches! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake comes home from his concert and finds Megan looking at a box in the garage]''
:'''Drake''': Alright. Where is he?
:'''Megan''': I think he's dangling from the gutter.
:'''Drake''': Not Josh. The baby.
:'''Megan''': What makes you think that I would have the baby?
:'''Drake''': Because you're a devious, twisted little girl.
:'''Megan''': ''[laughs]'' Why thank you, Drake.
:'''Drake''': ''[picks Megan up by her shirt]'' Where is the baby?

===First Crush===
:'''Drake and Josh''': And the most important thing is to be yourself.
:'''Drake''': ...Unless you're Josh.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': Do you want to be honest, or do you want a girlfriend?
:'''Josh''': Girlfriend, please. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Drake''': Ah! Snake!

===Grammy===
:'''Scotty''': Can you believe it? We made it backstage.
:'''Rina''': This is not backstage!
:'''Paul''': This is practically jail.
:'''Drake''': Those guys are cops.
:'''Rina''': Yes! Scary cops who are going to arrest us for having fake tickets, Scotty!
:'''Scotty''': Guys, the tickets are not fake.
:'''Drake''': Are you sure?
:'''Scotty''': I photocopied them myself. ''[everyone looks upset]'' What?
:'''Drake''': You can't photocopy tickets!
:'''Scotty''': Yes, you can! You just put them on the glass, close the liddy thingy and press copy. Any moron could do it.
:'''Drake''': No, not just any moron. It takes a special moron, like you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Grammy''': Your butt itches? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Josh''': Why are you so mean to Drake?
:'''Grammy''': Because I know his type. I dated 12 musicians like him before I dated your gramps.
:'''Josh''': I don't think I want to know about you dating a dozen musical men.
:'''Grammy''': Then I won't tell you what happened last Saturday night.
:'''Josh''': ''[jokingly]'' Uh-oh, am I going to see you on a commercial for &quot;Grammys Gone Wild?&quot;

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Drake &amp; Josh}}
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]
[[Category:Drake &amp; Josh seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>niotg5of9nxc61ozl2ulj9edhz5qa78</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153787</id>
      <parentid>3153786</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-12T02:28:49Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>68.196.68.120</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Pilot */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="10372" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 1|1]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 2|2]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 3|3]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 4|4]] | [[Drake &amp; Josh|Main]]
----
'''''[[w:Drake &amp; Josh|Drake &amp; Josh]]''''' is an American television sitcom created by Dan Schneider for Nickelodeon. The series follows the lives of two teenage boys with opposite personalities, Drake Parker (Drake Bell) and Josh Nichols (Josh Peck), who are stepbrothers.

===Pilot=== 
:''[first opening comments, introducing Drake Parker and Josh Nichols]''
:'''Drake''': ''[first lines]'' My name's Drake Parker. 
:'''Josh''': I'm Josh Nichols. 
:'''Drake''': I should probably be doing my homework. 
:'''Josh''': I'm just doing a little homework here. 
:'''Drake''': But it's more fun to do this. ''[plays his guitar]'' 
:'''Drake and Josh''': Man, I'm thirsty. ''[both take their drinks each]'' 
:'''Drake''': I live here with my mom and my little sister, Megan. 
:'''Josh''': I've got a great family, even though it's just me and my dad. I love that guy. 
:'''Drake''': I love girls. ''[drinks]'' So my mom's been dating this guy. 
:'''Josh''': So my dad's been dating this woman. She's really great. 
:'''Drake''': He's okay, but he's got this kid that goes to my school. 
:'''Josh''': She has a son that goes to my school. Drake. 
:'''Drake''': Josh. It's not that I have anything against Josh. 
:'''Josh''': I really don't know Drake all that well. 
:'''Drake and Josh''': But he seems kinda… 
:'''Josh''':...Okay. 
:'''Drake''':...Unusual. 
:''[the scene cuts to the living room where Drake shudders as he sees Audrey and Walter making out and he blows a whistle, making them scream]''
:'''Audrey''': Drake!
:'''Drake''': Hey, mom. Mr. Nichols.
:''[Josh bursts into the living room while brandishing a mop]''
:'''Josh''': What happened?! I heard screaming!
:'''Walter''': It's alright, son, there's nothing to mop here.
:'''Drake''': Josh, wh-what are you doing here, what's he doing here?
:'''Josh''': Tell him.
:'''Audrey''': Wait, uh, Drake, quick, get your sister.
:'''Drake''': ''[yelling]'' Megan!
:'''Megan''': ''[referring to her parents; disgusted]'' Ugh, are they done sucking face yet?
:'''Audrey''': Kids, Josh's dad and I have been going out for a long time now, and we have some news!
:'''Drake''': You got me a dirt bike?
:'''Audrey''': No. ''[she and Walter exchange looks]''
:'''Audrey and Walter''': WE'RE GETTING MARRIED! ''[Drake acts like he is having a heart attack in disbelief and shock]''
:'''Drake''': You're getting ma-ma-ma...?
:'''Walter''': Yeah, we're gonna be one big old, happy family!
:'''Drake''': Wait, wait, you mean, he's going to be my- my stepfather? ''[Walter chuckles and nods as Drake points at Josh]'' And you! ''[Josh nods, smiling]'' You're gonna be my-? H-He's gonna be my...?
:'''Josh''': Hug me, brotha'! ''[he hugs Drake, lifting him a bit while Drake screams in dismay]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[the door knocks]''
:'''Tiffany''': Who's that?
:'''Josh''': I don't know. ''[door knocks louder]'' Alright, alright, I'm coming. ''[he walks over to open the door and Buck barges the door open on Josh]''
:'''Tiffany''': Buck!
:'''Buck''': ''[he grabs Josh by his shirt]'' So, it's true!
:'''Josh''': What? That I have a concussion?
:'''Buck''': I turn my back for 5 minutes, and you're on a date with... with this clown?!
:'''Josh''': Trouble, breathing!
:'''Tiffany''': Look, I can date whoever I want.
:'''Buck''': Yeah? Well, you can't date a guy with no HEAD! ''[Josh cries]'' You're hamburger meat. You understand me?
:'''Josh''': ''[crying]'' But I'm a vegetarian!
:'''Buck''': Monday, 3:00, you and me. Have an ambulance ready. ''[shoves Josh against the wall, then leaves]''
:'''Tiffany''': That was so romantic!
:'''Drake''': ''[comes out of the kitchen]'' And dessert is here. Josh, I thought you had to pee.
:'''Josh''': ''[looks down at his pants]'' Done. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:'''Josh''': May I…? 
:'''Drake''': Hug me, brotha!

===Dune Buggy=== 
:'''Trevor''': I just came to see how the dune buggy's coming. It's looking good. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:'''Josh''': You, uh, wanted to chat?
:'''Drake''': Why did you make him attack me?
:'''Josh''': 'Cause it's about time you stopped getting away with everything!
:'''Drake''': What's that supposed to-
:'''Josh''': You threw the pillows! You talked me into lying about the TV! You got me grounded! And you took our dune buggy out when you weren't supposed to, and you wrecked it!
:'''Drake''': What-what-what're you talking about?
:'''Josh''': I got a call from the emergency room! You left your wallet there. 
:'''Drake''': ''[looks awkwardly]'' Oh.
:'''Josh''': Yeah. And I saw the buggy.
:'''Drake''': Do mom and dad know?
:'''Josh''': They're gonna!
:'''Drake''': Don't you do that to me!
:'''Josh''': Fine! You tell them.
:'''Drake''': Are you crazy?
:'''Josh''': No, I'm honest!
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Josh''': I'm grounded for two weeks!
:'''Drake''': Josh, you know what-? 
:'''Josh''': We spent like 100 hours on that dune buggy trying to fix it up, and you ruined it! And you're hurt. But all you can think about is, getting away with it. ''[mockingly]'' &quot;Ooh, I'm Drake! I'm so cool, I get away with everything!&quot; Fine. I'll just stay grounded and I'll fix the dune buggy, again, and you just keep worrying about yourself. ''[beat]'' It's what you're best at.
:'''Drake''': Oh, yeah?! Well, you're not so-! Ow.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[racked with guilt, Drake confesses to Walter and Audrey, and they ground Drake for two weeks, much to Josh's delight]''
:'''Josh''': Pizza's here.
:'''Drake''': Thanks. ''[he takes it and opens it up while Josh smiles]'' What are you smiling about?
:'''Josh''': The great Drake, grounded for two weeks. I love it!
:'''Drake''': Yeah, me, too.
:'''Josh''': Heh?
:'''Drake''': Two weeks, laying in bed, no school, playing a little guitar, watching a little TV, you bringing me pizzas. Yeah, being grounded is ba-a-ad.
:'''Josh''': I- I don't understand-!
:'''Drake''': Hold that thought. ''[through his walkie-talkie]'' Hey, Dad, could you bring me a root beer, a couple magazines, and, in about 20 minutes maybe some ice cream?
:'''Walter''': ''[through his walkie-talkie]'' Yeah. I'll get Josh right on it. Jo-osh!
:'''Josh''': Aw, come on!

===Believe Me, Brother===
:'''Susan''': Josh, it's not unintentional at all.
:'''Josh''': I knew it! ''[Susan grabs his face and kisses him; Drake walks in the house]''
:'''Drake''': Susan?
:'''Susan''': Ew! Josh, what are you trying to do? I'm Drake's girlfriend! Oh, Drake, you're here.
:'''Josh''': Drake, it's not what you think. Just one second. ''[turns around]'' Oh, dear Lord, thank you so much for my very first kiss! Amen! Drake, I swear. It's not what you think.

&lt;hr width='50%'/&gt; 
:'''Susan''': Drake! That's- That's not what it looks like! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[after Susan dumps both of them]''
:'''Josh''': I think we handled that very maturely.
:'''Drake''': Yes, that felt good.
:''[Susan gets shot with a paint cannon on her from her locker]''
:'''Susan''': Ugh!
:'''Drake''': That felt better.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, it did.

===Two Idiots and a Baby===
:'''Drake''': There! There, there, he's done. Now, all we need is a dia- ''[all screams in disgust as Max pees on them]'' 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:''[Josh is sanding his Catapult while Drake is trying to work on a song]''
:'''Drake''': Josh! I'm working on a song here. Do you have to make all that noise? ''[he unplugs the Sander]'' Dude, I can't concentrate.
:'''Josh''': ''[shouting]'' I can't hear you! I'm wearing earplugs!
:'''Drake''': Oh. ''[Drake rips the earplugs from Josh's ears, and Josh screams in pain]'' Dude, can't you build your mechanic dork machine somewhere else?
:'''Josh''': It's not a dork machine. It's a one a scaled working replica of a Medieval Catapult.
:'''Drake''': So?
:'''Josh''': ''So,'' when I'm done, this baby's gonna be able to fling stuff over 50 feet through the air. ''[he launches the Catapult]''
:'''Drake''': Impressive. Oh, hey, hey. Why don't you climb in and fling yourself out of my room?
:'''Josh''': This is my room.
:'''Drake''': It was my room first.
:'''Josh''': Alright, let's compromise. We could- ''[Drake strums his guitar a first time]'' I was going to say- ''[Drake strums a second time]'' But I just wanted- ''[Drake strums a third time]'' Headaches! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake comes home from his concert and finds Megan looking at a box in the garage]''
:'''Drake''': Alright. Where is he?
:'''Megan''': I think he's dangling from the gutter.
:'''Drake''': Not Josh. The baby.
:'''Megan''': What makes you think that I would have the baby?
:'''Drake''': Because you're a devious, twisted little girl.
:'''Megan''': ''[laughs]'' Why thank you, Drake.
:'''Drake''': ''[picks Megan up by her shirt]'' Where is the baby?

===First Crush===
:'''Drake and Josh''': And the most important thing is to be yourself.
:'''Drake''': ...Unless you're Josh.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': Do you want to be honest, or do you want a girlfriend?
:'''Josh''': Girlfriend, please. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Drake''': Ah! Snake!

===Grammy===
:'''Scotty''': Can you believe it? We made it backstage.
:'''Rina''': This is not backstage!
:'''Paul''': This is practically jail.
:'''Drake''': Those guys are cops.
:'''Rina''': Yes! Scary cops who are going to arrest us for having fake tickets, Scotty!
:'''Scotty''': Guys, the tickets are not fake.
:'''Drake''': Are you sure?
:'''Scotty''': I photocopied them myself. ''[everyone looks upset]'' What?
:'''Drake''': You can't photocopy tickets!
:'''Scotty''': Yes, you can! You just put them on the glass, close the liddy thingy and press copy. Any moron could do it.
:'''Drake''': No, not just any moron. It takes a special moron, like you!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Grammy''': Your butt itches? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Josh''': Why are you so mean to Drake?
:'''Grammy''': Because I know his type. I dated 12 musicians like him before I dated your gramps.
:'''Josh''': I don't think I want to know about you dating a dozen musical men.
:'''Grammy''': Then I won't tell you what happened last Saturday night.
:'''Josh''': ''[jokingly]'' Uh-oh, am I going to see you on a commercial for &quot;Grammys Gone Wild?&quot;

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Drake &amp; Josh}}
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]
[[Category:Drake &amp; Josh seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>2a1bfstx87f7qm19o15yd3z1mezcvif</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Drake &amp; Josh/Season 2</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>178726</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153789</id>
      <parentid>3152601</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-12T02:34:01Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>68.196.68.120</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* The Bet */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="32787" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 1|1]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 2|2]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 3|3]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 4|4]] | [[Drake &amp; Josh|Main]]
----
'''''[[w:Drake &amp; Josh|Drake &amp; Josh]]''''' is an American television sitcom created by Dan Schneider for Nickelodeon. The series follows the lives of two teenage boys with opposite personalities, Drake Parker (Drake Bell) and Josh Nichols (Josh Peck), who are stepbrothers.

===The Bet===
:''[Drake and Josh both got grounded by their mom after not picking up Megan from Eddie's house during a heavy rainstorm]''
:'''Drake''': You do realize this is your fault.
:'''Josh''': No, I do not realize that!
:'''Drake''': You couldn't stop playing your video games for 10 minutes to take her the stupid umbrella?
:'''Josh''': Hey, number 1, that umbrella is not stupid. My uncle bought it for me at SeaWorld!
:'''Drake''': Oh, just face it, Josh. You're addicted to video games.
:'''Josh''': I am not ''addicted'' to them! ''[smiling]'' I am in ''love'' with them!
:'''Drake''': How sad.
:'''Josh''': Not as sad as being addicted to junk food, which ya are. Man, do ya know how bad that stuff is for you?
:'''Drake''': ''[throws bag of Cheese Balls and picks up video game controller as he acts like Josh]'' “Ooh, look at me, I'm Josh! I play video games all day long! Girls? No, thank you, ma'am! I got me a video game!”
:'''Josh''': ''[stuffs a fistful of Cheese Balls into his mouth as he acts like Drake]'' “Ooh, I'm Drake! Nutrition? Not for me! I'm just gonna eat me a big ol' bag of Cheese Balls!” ''[shoves more Cheese Balls into his mouth]''
:'''Drake''': Which you're allergic to. ''[Josh frantically spits out the Cheese Balls, uses a Dustbuster on his tongue, and spits out the Cheese Ball crumbs]'' Besides, food is a necessity. Video games have no value.
:'''Josh''': Video games teach hand-eye coordination, which is why I now have CAT-LIKE reflexes.
:'''Drake''': ''[throws a baseball which hits Josh on his head]'' Yeah. Dead cat-like reflexes.
:'''Josh''': I wasn't ready! Besides, I can quit video games a lot easier than you can quit junk food!
:'''Drake''': Oh, really? ''[sniffs]'' You smell that, Josh? It smells like a bet to me.
:'''Josh''': No, I smell ''[sniffs]'' you losing a bet!
:'''Drake''': Okay, hot pants, it’s on. You give up video games, I give up junk food. First one to cave loses.
:'''Josh''': Okay, what happens when you lose?!
:'''Drake''': When you lose, you have to, uh, dye your hair pink.
:'''Josh''': Okay, loser has to dye his hair pink.
:'''Drake''': So we're starting right now?
:'''Josh''': Yeah, we're starting right now! ''[they tried to start but they changed their mind]'' Or we could start in the morning.
:'''Drake''': Morning works.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Drake''': ''[comes in his and Josh's room]'' Why is it dark in here? ''[he turns on the light to reveal that Josh redecorated their bedroom to a candy palace causing him to get shocked and sees Josh dressed up as Willy Wonka]'' Josh, what did you do?
:'''Josh''': What do you mean, Drake?
:'''Drake''': It's all candy and junk food.
:'''Josh''': ''[matter-of-factly]'' Yeah. I suppose it is!
:'''Drake''': ''[points to a pink pillow]'' Pillow?
:'''Josh''': Cotton candy.
:'''Drake''': But, Josh, how did you all this-? 
:'''Josh''': Shh! ''[raises a big candy cane in front of Drake to make him hush]'' Don't ask! Just enjoy! ''[eats a piece of candy]'' 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Drake and Josh''': ''[angrily]'' GIVE ME THAT! ''[they both switched objects]'' AH-HA! YOU CAVE! ''[they start arguing, eventually both cave, and Drake hits Josh's hat to the floor as they start fighting over it (resulting them to fall and wrestle in the chocolate milk pool)]'' 
:'''Audrey''': ''[comes in]'' BOYS! BOYS! 
:'''Walter''': ''[comes in]'' GUYS! GUYS! GUYS, WHAT ARE-!? GET UP! GUYS, GET UP! ''[he and Audrey stop the boys fighting, sees the mess, and yells]'' WHAT IS GOING ON!? 
:'''Drake and Josh''': ''[both yelling at once about sabotaging each other]'' ...AND THEN, DRAKE/JOSH CAVED!!! ''[continue arguing]'' 
:'''Megan''': ''[comes in angrily]'' HEY, HEY, HEEY!!! It doesn't matter who caved first. 
:'''Drake and Josh''': What? 
:'''Megan''': The contract says: &quot;Whoever caves must dye his hair pink.&quot; You both caved, so you both have to do it. [Drake and Josh complain, refusing to dye their hairs pink] 
:'''Drake''': Mom! 
:'''Josh''': Dad! 
:'''Audrey''': ''[agreeing with Megan, possibly to ground them for their chocolate milk mess]'' You boys signed a contract. You made a commitment. 
:'''Walter''': You have to honor a commitment. 
:'''Megan''': Yeah, about that... Mom, you bet on Josh. Dad, you bet on Drake. They both lost. ''[shows them their signed bet on the contract, making them realize their foolish mistake]'' 
:'''Walter''': Yeah, we never made... 
:'''Audrey''': Well, I... 
:'''Drake''': ''[satisfied]'' You signed a contract. 
:'''Josh''': ''[satisfied]'' You have to honor a commitment. 
:''[Audrey and Walter make defeated faces, having to lose their bet as well]''

===Guitar=== 
:''[Drake's guitar sets on fire]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Drake''': ''[comes in his and Josh's room]'' Where's the guitar?
:'''Megan''': See ya. ''[walks out from Drake and Josh's room]''
:'''Drake''': Josh?
:'''Josh''': I uh, I uh, I put it away.
:'''Drake''': Why?
:'''Josh''': You wanna leave it out and let it get all dusty and gross. Have you heard of mildew?
:'''Drake''': So where'd you put the guitar?
:'''Josh''': Uh, in the case. In the guitar case. Why you hassling me?
:'''Drake''': Who's hassling you? ''[he walks up to his guitar case and finds it locked by Josh]'' It's locked.
:'''Josh''': Yes, some people care about safety.
:'''Drake''': Just calm down and give me the key?
:'''Josh''': WHAT FOR?!
:'''Drake''': FOR TO OPEN THE LOCK! Why are you acting all freakish?
:'''Josh''': Uh. Uh, dude, I lost the key bro. ''[snaps his finger]''
:'''Drake''': YOU LOST the key?
:'''Josh''': Uh. Don't worry. All right. I'll get you a new one. I-I have a locksmith.
:'''Drake''': You have a locksmith?
:'''Josh''': Yes. I-I have a lot of locks that, you know, need smithing.
:'''Drake''': And you're sure you don't know where the original key is?
:'''Josh''': ''[mumbles]'' Uh, that key, yeah, that key's all gone.
:'''Kid''': ''[from outside]'' Look, mommy! A key on the sidewalk!
:'''Josh''': ''[yelling out the window]'' KEEP IT DOWN, WOULD YA?! THERE'S PEOPLE SLEEPING IN HERE!! ''[closes the window and stares at Drake with his arms crossed]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Josh slams the guitar case on Devin's hands]''
:'''Manager''': Are you hurt?
:'''Devin''': Yes.
:'''Manager''': Is it your hand?
:'''Devin''': ''[annoyed]'' Yes!
:'''Manager''': ''[holds up the middle finger]'' How many fingers am I holding up?
:'''Devin''': I don't care!
:'''Manager''': Give me a doctor! Somebody give me a doctor! 
:'''Josh''': ''[to a security guard, sarcastically, guilt-ridden]'' Would you mind taking me into the back alley and beating me until I lose consciousness?

===Movie Job===
:'''Helen''': ''[walks up to Josh]'' Hey, do you work for me?
:'''Josh''': No.
:'''Helen''': Where did you get that vest?
:'''Josh''': Oh, uh, well, my cup holder was a little wobbly, uh, so I told this guy who then called me a punkhole and then he kind of quit.
:'''Helen''': You made Crazy Steve quit?
:'''Josh''': You hired a guy named Crazy Steve?
:'''Helen''': Had to. Long story. Not pretty. I've been trying to fire him for 2 months, but he's just so-
:'''Josh''': Crazy?
:'''Helen''': Mm-hmm. Let me, uh, ask you something. Do you have a job?
:'''Josh''': No.
:'''Helen''': Are you, uh, all right in the head?
:'''Josh''': I think so.
:'''Helen''': Congratulations. You're hired.
:'''Josh''': What?!
:'''Helen''': Get to work! ''[walks away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[after Drake sold movie tickets to Megan and her friends]''
:'''Helen''': ''[appears]'' Uh, Drake? ''[Drake walks up to Helen]'' Did you just sell those little girls tickets to a PG-13 movie?
:'''Josh''': Busted.
:'''Drake''': Uh, yes I did Helen and- And I'll tell you why. 
:'''Helen''': Why?
:'''Drake''': Well, I'm not gonna lie to you. Those four kids? They're Norwegian.
:'''Josh''': What?!
:'''Helen''': It means they're from Norway!
:'''Drake''': Thank you. Now, as I'm sure you know, Norway is on the metric system.
:'''Helen''': Of course.
:'''Drake''': So to a Norwegian, PG-13 is actually PG-9.
:'''Helen''': Yeah, I know. Metrics.
:'''Drake''': So I didn't want to start an international incident.
:'''Helen''': Smart. Heads up move. I like your style, Drake. In fact, how would you like to be promoted to assistant manager?
:'''Josh''': Huh?
:'''Drake''': Alright.
:'''Helen''': Good. Just pick up your gold vest in my office. ''[leaves]''
:'''Drake''': Assistant manager. Hey, this means I'm your boss. ''[walks up to Josh]''
:'''Josh''': ''[yells]'' '''EVIL!'''

===Football===
:''[Josh arrives at his and Drake's room after getting beat up from school]''
:'''Megan''': You look terrible.
:'''Josh''': Thanks.
:'''Megan''': And you have five new e-mails. ''[leaves Drake and Josh's room]''
:'''Josh''': Wait, how does she know how many e-mails?
:'''Drake''': Forget about that. What happened to you? 
:'''Josh''': Football happened to me. First, I got tackled, then I got trampled, and I'm pretty sure someone bit my ankle! 
:'''Drake''': Alright, so you didn't make the team. Well, just find another way to make it cool.
:'''Josh''': Oh, I made the team.
:'''Drake''': You did?
:'''Josh''': Yeah! Check it out!
:'''Drake''': No way, that's so cool.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, it is. My brother, you are looking at Belleview High's football team brand-new... ''[holds up a jersey]'' E-quipment manager! ''[pause]'' E-quipment manager!
:'''Drake''': Josh, being the equipment manager isn't cool.
:'''Josh''': But I'm on the team.
:'''Drake''': No, you work for the team, which is uncool!
:'''Josh''': Well, if I'm so uncool, explain WHY I HAVE THIS! ''[puts his bag of dirty laundry on the table]''
:'''Drake''': A bag of dirty laundry?
:'''Josh''': The dirty laundry of football players!
:'''Drake''': Oh Josh, at this point I think you're better off going back to your magic tricks.
:'''Josh''': No way, the team needs me. I have lots of responsibilities. I mean who do you think takes care of the costumes?
:'''Drake''': Uniforms, Josh. Uniforms.
:'''Josh''': Whatever, I think being equipment manager is cool. I get to be on the team and nobody snaps on my ankles! ''[picks up his dirty bag of laundry]'' Excuse me, I have costumes to watch. ''[his laundry bag opens by itself]'' Oh, that's right. ''[walks away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Josh is in the kitchen making brownies for his football team]''
:'''Megan''': Hey, Josh.
:'''Josh''': What's up, Megs?
:'''Megan''': Ooh, making brownies? Can I lick the spoon?
:'''Josh''': Uh-uh! There will be no spoon licking in my kitchen.
:'''Megan''': You know what, Josh, I have dreams and sometimes in those dreams things happen to you.
:''[after Megan leaves, Josh decides to take a break from baking his brownies as he turns around what's near him, he places the baking bowl on the counter, licks the spoon that has his baking, and puts it in the sink]''
:'''Drake''': ''[comes in the kitchen]'' What are you doing?
:'''Josh''': Making brownies for the football team.
:'''Drake''': Oh, that's cool, Josh. Maybe afterwards, you can knit them some pretty sweaters. ''[walks over to Josh]''
:''[Megan pops her head up from the living room while she hear Drake and Josh talk to each other as she pulled the flowers out of the flower vase]''
:'''Josh''': ''[voiceover]'' Not just any brownies. You know how mom makes the double chocolate ones?
:'''Drake''': ''[voiceover]'' Yeah?
:'''Josh''': Well, I multiplied the recipe by 3. That's triple the double chocolate.
:''[Megan begins putting flower dirt on Josh's brownies from the flower vase and mixes the brownie mix and the flower dirt together as she hear Drake and Josh talking to each other]''
:'''Drake''': ''[voiceover]'' Does it triple the double uncoolness.
:'''Josh''': ''[voiceover]'' Well, I think we know someone who's not getting one right out of the oven.
:''[Megan walks away after putting flower dirt in Josh's baking. After that, the scene cuts to Josh pumping up footballs in the locker room.]''
:'''Drake''': ''[comes in the locker room]'' Hey, Mr. E-quipment manager. Trevor's waiting his car, want a ride home or not?
:'''Josh''': In a minute, I just need to finish pumping up these footballs and-
:'''Coach Davis''': ''[angrily comes in]'' NICHOLS!
:'''Josh''': Yeah, coach Davis? What-ca need me to do?
:'''Coach Davis''': What did you do?
:'''Josh''': What? What are you talking about?
:'''Coach Davis''': Your brownies. Look what they did!
:''[the football players come in sick after eating Josh's brownies thanks to Megan]''
:'''Josh''': Did you do something to my brownies? 
:'''Drake''': Oh, yeah, Josh, I live to sabotage baked goods.
:'''Football Player''': Coach, you better check on Witherspoon, he's really bad!
:'''Coach Davis''': Witherspoon, you alright?
:'''Josh''': How many brownies did you eat?
:'''Witherspoon''': 17. ''[gags]'' Ooh, an' I think your about to see them again.
:'''Coach Davis''': Alright, someone get this boy a bucket!
:'''Josh''': Aw, I just cleaned the buckets!
:'''Coach Davis''': Alright, that's it. No game tomorrow night. We're gonna have to forfeit!
:''[the football players gasp in shock]''
:'''Josh''': Aw, come on, coach Davis, we can't forfeit!
:'''Coach Davis''': Would you look at Witherspoon?! Ain't no way he's playin' tomorrow night! And I got no one else to play center!
:'''Drake''': Josh will play center!
:'''Josh''': Josh who?!
:'''Drake''': Josh you! You'll be great and cool!
:'''Josh''': And dead! Lincoln is the toughest team in the state; they're animals! ANIMALS!
:'''Coach Davis''': Will you quit whining, Nichols? Your vomit brownies got us into this, and you're playing center tomorrow night!
:'''Drake''': Yes!
:'''Josh''': No! ''[Witherspoon vomits on Josh's feet]'' Awww!

===Pool Shark===
:''[Opening comments: Drake hates how his parents want him and Josh to spend time together, but Josh loves it so when he asks Drake if he wanted to take a cooking class together, Drake tries to convince Josh that he moved to Australia]''
:'''Josh''': I'm so excited.
:'''Drake''': I'm so annoyed.
:'''Josh''': My dad told me and Drake that since were stepbrothers now, we should start trying to hang out together more.
:'''Drake''': My mom's trying to get me to hang out more, with Josh.
:'''Josh''': I'm really psyched about it.
:'''Drake''': Kill me.
:'''Josh''': Maybe Drake and I can do magic tricks together.
:'''Drake''': Please kill me.
:'''Josh''': And Drake's just gotta find stuff that's fun for both of us to do.
:'''Drake''': Maybe I can move to Australia, they have big shrimp there.
:'''Josh''': Maybe we can take a cooking class. One sec. ''[shouting]'' Hey Drake! You want to take a cooking class together?
:'''Drake''': ''[in a high-pitched voice]'' Sorry! Drake moved to Australia.
:'''Josh''': That's not even an Australian accent.
:'''Drake''': ''[in a high-pitched voice]'' Yes, is it. Fromage!
:'''Josh''': That's French!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': I think we should go easy on these guys.
:'''Josh''': How come?
:'''Drake''': It's Eric.
:'''Josh''': What's up?
:'''Drake''': His mom, is in the hospital.
:'''Josh''': Oh, God. What happened?
:'''Drake''': It's her tongue. It's like 10 times bigger than the normal. Yeah, and for 15 days she couldn't say what was wrong, everyone in the hospital was worried. She was like- ''[pretending to be unable to talk, starts making funny sounds and spitting]'' Yeah, very sad.
:'''Josh''': Oh, well. I'll do it. For Eric's mom.
:'''Drake''': Thank you, Josh. Your heart is bigger than her tongue.

===Smart Girl=== 
:''[Josh paces in the janitor's closet then Drake barges open the closet door and hits Josh on his bottom]''
:'''Josh''': Ow! Thank you for the butt bruise!
:'''Drake''': Are you ready? You know what to do, right?
:'''Josh''': Yeah. Cheat.
:'''Drake''': I told you, its not cheating.
:'''Josh''': Beg to differ.
:'''Drake''': Look, are you going to help me or not? I mean, I helped you when you got your foot caught in the toilet.
:'''Josh''': No, you didn't. You laughed and took digital pictures.
:'''Drake''': Come on, Josh. Please?
:'''Announcer''': ''[from the other room]'' Everyone, take your seats. The Academic Bowl is about to begin.
:'''Drake''': Well?
:'''Josh''': Fine. But let's just get this over with. This whole thing makes me feel so dirty.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, so take a bath when you get home. Give me the ear piece. ''[Josh gives Drake his microphone ear piece]'' Thanks brother.
:'''Josh''': You better love me for this! ''[Drake kisses Josh on his cheek]'' Not that kind of love! ''[Josh sprays his cheek in disgust]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': What are you doing?!
:'''Josh''': What do you think I'm doing? Helping you cheat.
:'''Drake''': Well, you're not doing a very good job.
:'''Josh''': Oh its my fault mega burger's having a sale on curly fries?! I can't control radio interference!
:'''Drake''': Well why didn't you pull up your antenna?
:'''Josh''': Yeah, I'll pull YOUR antenna!
:'''Drake''': Listen to me.
:'''Josh''': No, you listen to me! I quit! I'm outta here! Goodbye! ''[leaves the janitor's closet]''
:'''Drake''': Fine! Next time you get your foot stuck in the toilet, I'm flushing! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Drake''': MEGAN! 
:'''Josh''': MEGAN!

===Little Diva===
:'''Drake''': Look who's gonna be at this after-party, Ashton Kutcher, Adam Sandler, Ethan LaRoche...
:'''Josh''': Who's Ethan LaRoche?
:'''Drake''': I don't know, but he's gonna be there!
:''[later]''
:'''Josh''': Hey, Drake! I just got an autograph from Ethan LaRoche!
:'''Drake''': Who's that?
:'''Josh''': I don't know!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Woman''': Ashley, how do you feel to have played an 11-year-old president?
:'''Drake and Josh''': Ah, um.
:''[Drake takes Ashley's head and simulates like she is whispering to him]''
:'''Drake''': Uh, she says it was challenging, but rewarding.
:'''Reporters''': Ow!
:'''Man''': My question is for the gentlemen who answered for her.
:'''Drake''': Yes?
:'''Man''': Why are you answering for her?
:'''Josh''': She has laringitis!
:'''Drake''': She lost her voice singing in-
:'''Josh''': -the asylum!
:'''Drake''': So, that's why the press conference is over!
:''[Drake and Josh drop Ashley and run out of there]''

===Blues Brothers===
:'''Drake''': ''[to Josh]'' Looks like your twitching days are over.
:'''Josh''': And it looks like you just won the talent contest for the second year in a row.
:'''Jackie''': Actually, it's three years! It's a three-peat just like I predicted!
:'''Drake &amp; Josh''': WHO ARE YOU?!
:'''Jackie''': I love you. Bye! ''[runs away]''
:'''Josh''': ''[to Drake]'' It's gotta be fun being you.
:'''Drake''': Yeah...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Megan''': I'd be nervous if I knew a million people were watching me.
:'''Josh''': I'm not nervous at all.
:'''Megan''': Ok. Unless, of course, your twitch comes back. Remember the fourth grade, Josh, the twitch.
:'''Josh''': Who told you I twitched?
:'''Megan''': Dad.
:'''Josh''': Dad!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Drake''': We gotta rehearse now
: '''Theater Goer #1''': Hey! Will you tell him that I’m doing the twitch right?
: '''Theater Goer #2''': That’s not how he did it. He did it like this
: '''Josh''': (Groans and crouches down under the counter)

===Driver's License=== 
:'''Josh''': Ahem! AHEM! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''[Drake woke Josh up in the middle of the night using his guitar]''
:'''Drake''': Oh good, you're up. Here, let's go get some tacos, you drive.
:'''Josh''': What? ''[looks at the clock]'' It's 3 am. ''[rolls under his blanket]''
:'''Drake''': Yeah, I like to call it the taco hour.
:'''Josh''': Go make some. We have taco stuff in the kitchen.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, but Chez Taco's only a few miles away. Come on, just give me a ride.
:'''Josh''': No, I will not drive into the night on some Mexican adventure.
:'''Drake''': Okay, I thought that a corn shell full of beef and cheese would be a small reward for, I don't know, helping you keep your driver's license.
:'''Josh''': Okay, that's it. Stop dropping guilt bombs on me. You did me a favor, and I appreciate it. But now you're trying to take advantage of me, and I won't have it, you hear me?
:'''Drake''': Oh, I hear you, and maybe dad's gonna hear me when I tell him that you ran a stop sign and got a pretty little ticket. What do you say to that?
:'''Josh''': I say ''[pauses]'' it's taco time! ''[he and Drake both leave the room]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Josh got pulled over because of a tail light being out]''
:'''Police Officer''': Son you have a tail light out.
:'''Josh''': Yeah stick it to him copper!
:'''Police Officer''': May I see your driver's license please?
:'''Drake''': Uh, yeah, about that.
:'''Josh''': Tell them Drake. Tell them you don't have a driver's license.
:'''Denise Woods''': You don't have your license?
:'''Josh''': No, he doesn't. That's way I had to drive you around all night.
:'''Police Officer''': Wait. So, you were driving this car?
:'''Josh''': Yeah. Why?
:'''Police Officer''': You have a tail light out. Afraid I'm gonna have to give you a ticket, son.
:'''Josh''': No sir, you're going to have to give me two tickets.
:'''Police Officer''': What for?
:'''Josh''': Well, one for the faulty tail light. And one FOR THIS! ''[angrily attacks Drake as the episode ends]''

===#1 Fan===
:''[Josh and the Campfire Kids arrive at the Premiere]''
:'''Josh''': All right, Campfire Kids, huddle up.
:'''Wendy''': So what movie are we seeing?
:'''Josh''': We're not seeing a movie. We're here to learn about wilderness navigation.
:''[all the Campfire Kids groan]''
:'''Pete''': You're the worst!
:'''Josh''': ''[sarcastically]'' Thank you, Pete. Now, what would you do if someone dropped you off in the middle of nowhere?
:'''Megan''': I'd call Mom on my phone.
:'''Josh''': Say you didn't have your phone.
:'''Megan''': I always have my phone.
:'''Josh''': The battery's dead.
:'''Megan''': I always carry a-
:'''Josh''': It's broken! It fell in the lake, a bear ate it, the point is ''you're lost''! And all you have is a compass and a topographical map of the region.
:'''Megan''': So, I have a compass and a topographical map, but I don't have my cell phone?
:'''Josh''': That tears it, we're seeing a movie!
:''[the Campfire Kids cheer]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake arrives home from school and comforts Wendy after pranking him]''
:'''Wendy''': Hey, Drake!
:'''Drake''': ''[angrily]'' Don't talk, just listen!
:'''Wendy''': Baby, what's wrong?
:'''Drake''': ''[angrily]'' You know how much trouble your little flyers caused me? Everyone in my entire school made fun of me today because of you!
:'''Wendy''': They just don't understand our relationship.
:'''Drake''': ''[angrily]'' We don't have a relationship! You got it? I'm not gonna sing a song for you, and I'm not your boyfriend! I'm not even your friend! So, just leave me alone! ''[walks away]''
:'''Pete''': So when's the wedding?
:''[the Campfire Kids laugh and Wendy runs away]''
:'''Megan''': You know that wasn't nice.
:'''Pete''': Who said I was nice?

===Mean Teacher===
:'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[comes in with the graded essays]'' Morning, class. I graded your essays. ''[satisfied]'' Josh, you write a wonderful story. I Cried When the Leprechaun Gave Birth. A+ ''[hands essay to Josh]''
:'''Josh''': Thank you, Mrs. Hayfer. Glad you liked it.
:'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Loved it, in fact you did so good, you can skip today's pop quiz.
:'''Josh''': Wow, A+, and no quiz. Today's my lucky day.
:'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Yes, it is. There's your essay, Drake. ''[hands essay to Drake]''
:'''Drake''': D-? What's wrong with it?
:'''Mrs. Hayfer''': I don't know, just write another one.
:'''Drake''': Dude, she is so mean. Why does she have it in for me?
:'''Josh''': Mrs. Hayfer? She's the nicest teacher in the whole school. It's all in your head.
:'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Alright class, let's begin. ''The Iliad'' and ''The Odyssey'' were originally written in what language? Drake!
:'''Drake''': Uh, Greek.
:'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Wrong! Todd?
:'''Todd''': Greek?
:'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[satisfied]'' Correct!
:''[Drake looks at Josh after Mrs. Hayfer pranked him with the wrong answer]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake is standing outside of Mrs. Hayfer and Kelly's house]''
:'''Drake''': Kelly, you're a really nice girl, I just don't think this is going to work out. Oh no. Kelly, I'm joining the army. Navy. Circus?
:'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[answers the door]'' Who's out here?
:'''Drake''': Hey, is Kelly- ''[he gets pranked by Mrs. Hayfer when she comes out of her house revealing it's Kelly's mom]'' HOLY SNOT!
:'''Mrs. Hayfer''': What a charming sentiment.
:'''Drake''': Mrs. Hayfer, what are you doing here?
:'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Watching OR, and I'm missing Madelyn's colonoscopy. What are you doing on my porch? 
:'''Drake''': Isn't this Kelly's address?
:'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Wait. You're the boy who's been dating my daughter?
:'''Drake''': You're Kelly's mom?!
:'''Mrs. Hayfer''': I'm going to be sick!
:'''Drake''': Oh, right there with you.
:'''Kelly''': ''[comes out of the house]'' Drake, I wasn't expecting you tonight. ''[laughs]''
:'''Drake''': Yeah, I wasn't expecting my English teacher to be your mom.
:'''Kelly''': Are you one of my mom's students?
:'''Mrs. Hayfer''': If you use the term &quot;student&quot; loosely.
:'''Drake''': Well, I’d better get going. ''[he leaves but Kelly grabs him]''
:'''Kelly''': Oh no, no, no, no. You came all the way out here. So, what do you want?
:'''Drake''': Um...
:'''Kelly''': Why don't  you take me to play miniature golf?
:'''Drake''': Oh, you know I-
:'''Kelly''': Oh, I'll get my putter. ''[leaves and goes inside the house]''
:'''Drake''': So, nice night, huh?
:'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[satisfied]'' I hate you.
:'''Drake''': I know. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Drake''': ''[after he broke up with Kelly]'' Hug me, brotha!

===The Gary Grill===
:'''FBI Man 1''': ''[comes in]'' Hey, excuse us. You don't mean to interrupt your money fight, but a friend of ours told us you were selling Gary Coleman grills.
:'''Josh''': Your friend is wise. 
:'''Drake''': So, how many do you want?
:'''FBI Man 2''': Well, tell you what.
:'''FBI Man 1''': We'll take them all.
:'''Drake''': Wait, you want all of them?
:'''FBI Man 1''': That's right. ''[shows them the badge]''
:'''Josh''': Sorry, we only accept cash.
:'''FBI Man 1''': These are badges. ''[show them the badge]''
:'''Drake''': Dude, cash only.
:'''FBI Man 1''': I don't think you understand.
:'''FBI Man 2''': Drake Parker and Josh Nichols?
:'''Drake and Josh''': Yes?
:'''FBI Man 1''': You're under arrest for possession and sale of stolen property.
:'''Drake''': Stolen the grills?
:'''FBI Man 2''': That's right.
:'''Josh''': We were just selling them for these two guys.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, we didn't know they were stolen.
:'''FBI Man 2''': Right. Sure, come with us please. ''[handcuffs Drake and Josh]''
:'''Josh''': Drake!
:'''Drake''': Yeah?
:'''Josh''': I read about prison.
:'''Drake''': And?
:'''Josh''': IT AIN'T FUN!
:''[the FBI men take Drake and Josh away from the Premiere]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake and Josh are sent to jail by the FBI for selling the grills, which were stolen by the two men]''
:'''Josh''': Wait, wait, wait, you can't lock me in here. I'M ON THE HONOR ROLL! ''[the police lock the bars]'' Drake, do something!
:'''Drake''': Yeah, what do you want me to do?
:'''Josh''': Tell them we didn't steal those grills!
:'''Drake''': I did, they don't believe us!
:'''Josh''': Well, I don't belong in prison! Prison is for scum! And lowlifes! ''[other prisoners glare at him]'' Except for you guys. I'm sure you're all wonderful people. Maybe later we can all get together and ''[grabs the bars]'' OH, LET ME OUT OF HERE! I HAVE A PIANO LESSON!!! ''[Drake grabs him]''
:'''Drake''': Don't freak out, right? We'll figure a way out of this but until then just be cool. Okay? These guys are tough.
:'''Josh''': Right.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Buddy''': Guy? 
:'''Guy''': Yeah? 
:'''Buddy''': I've read about prison. 
:'''Guy''': And...? 
:'''Buddy''': It ain't fun!

===Drew &amp; Jerry===
:''[Drake bought a trash dog to his and Josh's room to prank and wake up Josh]''
:'''Josh''': Oprah? Oh, Oprah. ''[screams and wakes up after the trash dog licks his face]'' Whose dog is this?
:'''Drake''': I just found him rooting through the garbage outside.
:'''Josh''': So you let him lick my face?
:'''Drake''': Get dressed, we're late.
:'''Josh''': Late for what?
:'''Drake''': Dude, it's Saturday morning. Cheerleader car wash at the Hexaco Station. Come on, it's already 10:00.
:'''Josh''': 10:00? Oh, no, I'm late. I'm supposed to be at Drew's.
:'''Drake''': You're hanging out with Drew today?
:'''Josh''': He's got a virtual reality snowboarding game with a real snow machine and everything.
:'''Drake''': So, what, you're just gonna be gone all day?
:'''Josh''': But now, you can have more Drake time. Everybody wins. See you. ''[leaves]''
:'''Drake''': Well, trash dog, it looks like it's just you and me. ''[the trash dog leaves]'' Hey, I have garbage! ''[picks up the trash can]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake and Megan are at The Premiere]''
:'''Megan''': Alright, Drake. What's bugging you?
:'''Drake''': Nothing. ''[Megan leans back]'' Josh blew me out to go virtual snowboarding with stupid Drew.
:'''Megan''': Ooh, somebody's jealous.
:'''Drake''': I'm not jealous.
:'''Megan''': Look, Drake. Josh found a new friend. There's nothing wrong with that. If it bugs you so much, then go find your own friend to hang out with.
:'''Drake''': You know, yeah, yeah, you're right. I don't need Josh, I'll just go find another friend to hang out with.
:'''Megan''': You should.
:'''Drake''': I will. ''[silence]'' So, 9 1/2?
:'''Megan''': I'm outta here. ''[she leaves the table]''

===Honor Council===
:''[Mrs. Hayfer is angry that her car is in her classroom and believes Drake did it when he is wrongfully accused of pulling a prank on her]''
:'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Alright, now we know that Romeo was not allowed to snuggle Juliet, not even on the weekends and... where'd that jacket come from?
:'''Bud''': It was in your trunk.
:'''Josh''': Hey, Drake, that's your jacket.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, it was stolen out of my locker a couple days ago.
:'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Or did you leave it in the trunk last night when you were parking my car in this classroom?
:'''Drake''': I told you, Mrs. Hayfer, I didn't do this.
:'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[angrily]'' You are suspended, Drake Parker.
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[angrily]'' SUSPENDED!
:'''Drake''': Come on, now you have...
:'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[angrily]'' TO THE NURSE! ''[Drake gets out of Mrs. Hayfer's car and tells him to leave her classroom]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Audrey''': So, we just got off the phone with your principal.
:'''Drake''': Look, I promised you guys. I did not put her car in that classroom. You don't believe me.          
:'''Walter''': Well, you have been known to 'act out'.
:'''Drake''': Like when?
:'''Walter''': You drove the lawnmower into the living room.
:'''Drake''': By accident.
:'''Audrey''': You filled our swimming pool with lobsters.
:'''Drake''': To make money.
:'''Walter''': Should I mention the stink bomb at my sister's wedding?
:'''Drake''': Oh, come on, even you hate your sister.
:'''Walter''': Look Drake, it doesn't matter what we believe. Your school has rules.
:'''Audrey''': A suspension means that you can't go on your class ski trip, you can't compete in the talent show.
:'''Drake''': This is so unfair! I can't believe that Mrs. Hayfer can just decide I'm guilty.
:'''Josh''': ''[comes in the room]'' She can't!
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Josh''': Uh, according to my pocket-sized school handbook. Any accused student can appeal his case before the honor counts.
:'''Drake''': What's that?
:'''Josh''': It's like and a jury of students decides whether you're innocent or guilty. How are you gonna make money with lobsters?
:'''Drake''': Focus Walter. Alright Josh, I want to do how do I go before the sauna closet?
:'''Josh''': Well first, it's called the honor council. One second I've submitted your case.
:'''Drake''': Oh really. That's awesome.
:'''Josh''': We go to trial in two days.
:'''Drake''': That's awesome.
:'''Josh''': And I'm gonna defend you.
:'''Drake''': That's not awesome.

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Drake &amp; Josh}}
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]
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    <title>Drake &amp; Josh/Season 3</title>
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      <comment>/* The Affair */</comment>
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      <text bytes="52010" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 1|1]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 2|2]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 3|3]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 4|4]] | [[Drake &amp; Josh|Main]]
----
'''''[[w:Drake &amp; Josh|Drake &amp; Josh]]''''' is an American television sitcom created by Dan Schneider for Nickelodeon. The series follows the lives of two teenage boys with opposite personalities, Drake Parker (Drake Bell) and Josh Nichols (Josh Peck), who are stepbrothers.

===The Drake &amp; Josh Inn===
:''[Drake and Josh hop up from behind the couch and sit on either side of Megan, smiling]''
:'''Megan''': What?
:'''Drake''': ''[singing]'' ''We're gonna be the boss of you''
:'''Josh''': ''[singing]'' ''And you have to do-oo what we say''
:'''Drake''': ''[singing]'' ''Ha ha!''
:'''Josh''': ''[singing]'' ''Ha-ha ha haa!''
:'''Megan''': Okay, you, can't sing. You're a moron. And what are you talking about anyway?
:'''Drake''': We're talking about the fact that Mom and Dad are gonna be out of town ''all'' weekend.
:'''Josh''': Which means we are in charge of the house.
:'''Drake''': The refrigerator.
:'''Josh''': The TV set.
:'''Drake''': And, the you.
:'''Megan''': Oh, you guys think you're going to be in charge?
:'''Josh''': Yeah, we are.
:'''Drake''': In fact, I've decided to change the channel. ''[changes the channel on TV]''
:'''Megan''': I was watching something.
:'''Josh''': Um. Were.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, good one. ''[he and Josh fist pump]''
:'''Megan''': ''[stands up]'' GIVE ME THE REMOTE.
:'''Drake''': ''[stands up]'' I don't think so, Megan. In fact, why don't you just run up to your- ''[Megan flips him]''
:'''Josh''': ''[stands up]'' What the? Megan, you can't just flip someone- ''[Megan flips him and sits on the couch with the remote]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Josh turns off the radio and honks at everyone]''
:'''Nikki''': Hey, what's going on?
:'''College Guy''': Turn the music back up!
:'''Drake''': Everyone, quiet, please!
:'''Josh''': Okay, we have an emergency!
:'''Drake''': Ah, yes, it seems we have a serious gas leak here in the Drake and Josh Inn!
:'''College Guy''': Oh, uh, sorry, I think that was me.
:'''Josh''': No! Alright, there is a serious leak of hydro... mono... monoxipuff gas!
:'''Drake''': Uh, yeah, it makes your eyes bleed!
:'''Josh''': So if everyone will please leave the building immediately-
:'''Helen''': I don't believe 'em!
:'''Nikki''': Yeah! Come on, let's party!
:''[everyone starts dancing again]''
:'''Drake''': ''[to Megan, through a walkie talkie]'' Now!
:'''Megan''': ''[in Drake and Josh's room]'' Copy! ''[turns on a gas machine linked to the vent in Drake and Josh's room as green gas begins emanating from the vent in the living room to kick out all of the spring breakers]''
:'''Josh''': Oh, no! Look! ''[points to the vent]''
:'''Drake''': It's the monoxipuff gas!
:''[everyone starts screaming and leaves the house when Megan pranks them with the monoxipuff gas from Drake and Josh's room]''
:'''Josh''': Now, lock it! Now, hug me, brother! ''[he and Drake hug themselves after everyone leaves the house]'' 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:''[cops arrive after hearing about how the Nicholas-Parkers' house was having a party with college kids on TV]'' 
:'''Walter''': Yes, officers, can we help you? 
:'''Cop''': Yes. Sir, you know it's against the law to host a televised event from a private residence without a city authorized permit. 
:'''Walter''': Heh? 
:'''Audrey''': We didn't host a televised event. 
:'''Cop''': Yeah, we have evidence that says you did. 
:'''Walter''': But, officers- 
:'''Cop''': D, please. ''[they grab Walter and Audrey]'' 
:'''Audrey''': No, what're you-? 
:'''Walter''': But, you see, look- I'm a weatherman. ''[cop shuts the door]''

===Peruvian Puff Pepper===
:''[Drake and Josh dress up as burglars and are sneak inside Megan's room]''
:'''Josh''': Okay, now, look around, find some evidence that proves that she's a demon and then let's get out of here!
:'''Drake''': Yeah, this place gives me the skives.
:'''Josh''': ''[looks under the Megan's bed]'' Did you see anything?
:'''Drake''': No, look under the bed.
:'''Josh''': Okay. Find any over there?
:'''Drake''': Wait, Josh, Josh come here! ''[picks up Megan's picture]''
:'''Josh''': What?
:'''Drake''': Check out this family picture!
:'''Josh''': What about it?
:'''Drake''': I look good!
:'''Josh''': Will you please stay focused!? ''[takes Megan's picture away from him]'' See anything yet? Check in the closet. ''[Drake opens and checks Megan's closet]'' See anything in here?
:'''Drake''': Man, there's nothing in here. It just looks like a normal girl's room.
:'''Josh''': ''[hears electrical blurb]'' Oh, you think? ''[takes unicorn poster off wall to find a spy monitor behind it]'' Holy cheese! Look at all that equipment!
:'''Drake''': So this is how she always knows what we're doing! What do you think this button does? ''[presses button and it shocks Josh's butt]''
:'''Josh''': So that's why that's been happening! I thought it was puberty.
:'''Drake''': Come on, let's just get this back up. ''[puts the unicorn poster back on the wall]''
:'''Josh''': What do we do now?
:'''Drake''': When mom and dad come home, we'll show them this stuff then they'll see how Megan really is.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, yeah. Cause now, we got evidence baby. Come on, let's get out of here. ''[he and Drake leave Megan's room, but Drake stops by and stares at Megan's picture which causes Josh to tell Drake to put it down]'' PUT IT DOWN! ''[Drake puts Megan's picture down and Josh points to the door so that way he could make Drake leave Megan's room]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake and Josh are both disqualified when they reveal their secret, as Peruvian Puff Peppers are illegal in the United States, leaving Megan as the winner]''
:'''Megan''': ''[satisfied]'' What, you think I purposely got the Peruvian Puff Peppers knowing you'd steal them from me and use them in your own salsa? Just so I could point it out to the judges get you disqualified? And then walk away with the yatsubishi plasma screen TV for myself? Come on. I'm not that smart. ''[walks away while Drake and Josh look very disappointed]''

===We're Married===
:''[Opening comments: Josh emailed his e-pal from a foreign country while Drake got so thirsty and pranked called Josh]''
:'''Josh''': ''[looks up from a book]'' Have you ever been really good friends with someone you never even met before?
:'''Drake''': ''[looks up from a magazine]'' Have you ever been really thirsty, just didn't feel like getting up?
:'''Josh''': See, for over a year now, I've been e-mailing this girl from a foreign country. ''[telephone starts ringing]'' One sec. ''[picks up phone]'' Hello?
:'''Drake''': ''[on the phone in a bad accent]'' Yeah, this is Lieutenant Peterson with the San Diego Police Department.
:'''Josh''': ''[skeptical and aware that's actually Drake]'' Oh is it?
:'''Drake''': ''[still using the bad accent]'' Yeah, you're gonna need to get a can of soda upstairs to your brother, at code three.
:'''Josh''': ''[getting annoyed with Drake]'' Code this! ''[blows whistle into the phone receiver loudly as he and Drake hangs the phone up]'' Anyway, back to my e-pal, Yooka. It's kinda weird to be friends with someone you've never met or even talked to on the phone, but I— ''[telephone rings again and gets angry revealing that it's Walter on the phone thinking it's Drake]'' If you call me one more time, I will take an entire bottle of maple syrup and pour all over your underwear drawer, so for the next 90 days you could walk around with sticky butt!
:'''Walter''': ''[confused]'' Josh, it's your father.
:'''Josh''': Nice try, you big doof! ''[hangs up the phone]'' Man! If he's so thirsty, why can't he come downstairs, go in the kitchen and get himself— ''[looks and sees Drake sitting on the couch and realizes his mistake]'' Oh, jeez.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Drake''': On it. 
:'''Josh''': Not that way! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Audrey''': Ok, Drake. I just want you to calmly explain to me ''[yelling]'' WHY YOU ARE MARRIED TO THAT EUDONAIN GIRL!
:'''Drake''': Well, you see Josh arranged this this whole friendship ceremony, but but it turned to be a marriage ceremony.
:'''Audrey''': Josh! You did this?
:'''Josh''': What!? Drake's the one that said: ''[whining]'' &quot;EE-NAY KURESAI M'JOONGA OON-TA-YAH&quot; WHEN THE SUN WAS IN THE HOUSE OF KARFLOG!!
:'''Audurey''': ''[confused]'' What?
:'''Walter''': Alright. We'll just call the Eudonain embassy and we'll have them annll the marriage.
:'''Josh''': I tried. You can't get the marriage enough unless both the husband and wife agree. Don't worry, alright. I'm working on a plan.
:'''Drake''': Oprah is never calling you back!
:'''Josh''': No. ''[opens to the fridge and gets a container out of there and places it on the table]'' Mom, dad, just go out there and keep Yooka's parents busy for a while. ''[Audrey and Walter stare at him]'' Just trust me.
:'''Walter''': Alright, come on. ''[he and Audrey walk away]''

===Mindy's Back===
:'''Mindy''': Oh, Josh. Don't you ever learn that I can outsmart you at anytime I want?
:'''Josh''': Oh, yeah?
:'''Mindy''': Yeah. Say fort.
:'''Josh''': Fort.
:'''Mindy''': Say fort 3 times.
:'''Josh''': Fort, fort, fort.
:'''Mindy''': Spell it twice.
:'''Josh''': F-O-R-T, F-O-R-T.
:'''Mindy''': Say it 2 more times.
:'''Josh''': Fort, fort.
:'''Mindy''': Now, what do you eat soup with?
:'''Josh''': With a fork! Ha!
:'''Mindy''': Really? Because I eat my soup with a spoon.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, cause if you eat soup with a fork, all the liquid would just fall down from the-
:'''Josh''': ''[screaming]'' I KNOW!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mindy''': Maybe I just like you!
:'''Josh''': Maybe I just like you, too!
:'''Mindy''': Oh, really?!
:'''Josh''': Yeah. Maybe I've liked you for a really long time, but I didn't realize it 'cause I hated you so much!
:'''Mindy''': Are you saying you like me or not?
:'''Josh''': Are you saying you like ''me'' or not?!
:'''Mindy''': I'm saying I like you!
:'''Josh''': Well, I'm sayin' I like ''you''!
:'''Mindy''': Fine!
:'''Josh''': Fine!
:'''Mindy''': Then I guess we're boyfriend and girlfriend!
:'''Josh''': 1 condition!
:'''Mindy''': What?
:'''Josh''': I get to be the boyfriend! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:'''Josh''': Hey, Mindy. 
:'''Mindy''': Hi. Um, what are you doing at my window?

===The Affair=== 
:'''Drake''': ''[yells in a bullhorn]'' GET OFF OF ME! ''[Josh gets out]'' Now, what was I right about? 
:'''Josh''': About dad, alright? I think he ''is'' dating another woman. 
:'''Drake''': What happened? 
:'''Josh''': Well, I caught him sneaking in. He was wearing a suit. When I asked him where he'd been, he says: ''[imitates Walter]'' &quot;I was out buyin' milk, but I drank it all on the way home!&quot; 
:'''Drake''': Oh, that's bad! 
:'''Josh''': I know! 
:'''Drake''': I really needed some milk. 
:'''Josh''': ''[slaps Drake with a pillow]'' THIS - IS NOT - ABOUT - YOUR DAIRY - NEEDS!!! 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:''[Walter chokes from cumin from his waffle that Drake put on]''
:'''Josh''': A-Are you okay?
:'''Drake''': What's the matter?
:'''Walter''': ''[choking and suffering]'' Cu-cu-cumin!
:'''Josh''': Cumin!? Cumin!? ''[angrily takes Drake out of the kitchen while Walter chokes]'' YOU PUT CUMIN IN HIS WAFFLE?!
:'''Drake''': You told me to put cumin in his waffle!
:'''Josh''': I said cinnamon. CINNAMON! 
:'''Drake''': What's the difference?
:'''Josh''': Everything! Alright? Cinnamon is sweet and delicious, cumin is a Mexican spice. You were flavoring a waffle, not a CHIMICHANGA!
:'''Drake''': Oh, so I made a little mistake.
:'''Josh''': A HUGE mistake. Alright, Dad's allergic to cumin and he's probably in there dying right now. ''[pause]'' DAD! ''[they run back into the kitchen]'' Dad! Dad, what do I do!? 
:'''Walter''': ''[choking and suffering]'' Inhaler!
:'''Drake''': He said inhaler!
:'''Josh''': ''[mumbles]'' Help me find it! ''[he and Drake find the inhaler in the drawer]'' Here! Here! Dad! ''[puts the inhaler in Walter's mouth]'' Drake, what do I do? ''[Drake hits Walter's chest]'' Are you okay? Is that better?
:'''Walter''': Yeah. Yeah, I think so.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake and Josh both sneak into Peggy's business to leave their father alone]''
:'''Drake''': What's up?
:'''Josh''': Hi.
:'''Peggy''': Hello? Did I order 2 teenagers?
:'''Drake''': No, actually uh, Walter is our dad.
:'''Peggy''': Oh, oh, this is awkward. Um, see I-I really don't think Walter wants you to know what's going on just yet.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, well, we do know what's going on, we're not to happy about it.
:'''Peggy''': Really? Wow, I thought 2 teenager boys would rather find it exciting.
:'''Drake''': Well, we don't so maybe you wouldn't mind you know backing off.
:'''Peggy''': ''[chuckles]'' I don't think so.
:'''Josh''': Why not?
:'''Peggy''': Because I want your dad.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, we know that but-
:'''Peggy''': Granted, I was considering a few other men and 1 woman but there's something about your father that feels right.
:'''Josh''': Well, how nice for you.
:'''Drake''': You know, he's married.
:'''Peggy''': I know. I think this can be great for your mother, too. Look, when I see someone I want, I go after him.
:'''Josh''': Yeah? Well, uh, when we someone we don't like, we do this. ''[dumps Walter's meal on Peggy's face]''
:'''Drake''': And sometimes, we even do this. ''[splats a cake on Peggy's face]''
:'''Walter''': Drake! Josh! What have you done?
:'''Peggy''': Walter, if this is how you raise your children to behave? Then I have no interest for pursuing you any further!
:'''Drake and Josh''': ''[satisfied]'' Yes!
:'''Walter''': Wait, please.
:'''Peggy''': ''[angrily]'' Goodbye, Walter! ''[spits a piece of cake out and leaves because of Drake and Josh's behavior]''
:''[Walter angrily turns around and glares at Drake and Josh when he found them noisy for ruining his date, but he seems to ignore them]''
:'''Josh''': We know you're mad.
:'''Drake''': But we had to do it.
:'''Josh''': We couldn't let that skunk-bag steal you away from mom.
:'''Drake''': And ruin our whole family.
:'''Josh''': But don't worry.
:'''Drake''': We won't tell mom about this whole episode.
:'''Josh''': We got your back!
:'''Walter''': ''[after ignoring Drake and Josh for ruining his date]'' You think I was dating that woman? 
:'''Josh''': Well, uh... 
:'''Drake''': Yeah.
:'''Walter''': Boys, that &quot;skunk-bag&quot; just so happens to be the senior producer of ''Good Morning Today'', and she was talking to me about being the weatherman...on the ''[angrily]'' #1 NATIONAL MORNING SHOW IN AMERICA!
:'''Josh''': Well, that's different.
:'''Drake''': Yeah. We're gonna go.
:'''Josh''': Bye. ''[he and Drake leave but Walter stops them]''
:'''Walter''': No, you're not. You're gonna do something else.
:'''Josh''': Right.
:'''Drake''': No problem.
:'''Josh''': Now? 
:'''Walter''': Uh-huh. 
:''[as retribution for messing up the lunch and costing him the job, Walter makes Drake and Josh dump food on themselves as the episode ends]''

===Playing the Field===
:''[Josh pretends to be Tori while Drake plays as himself]''
:'''Drake''': Alright. Uh, Tori.
:'''Josh''': ''[in a very girly voice]'' What is it, Drake?
:'''Drake''': Okay, I can't do this if he's gonna talk like that.
:'''Josh''': I'm being a girl.
:'''Drake''': What girl has a mustache other than your grandmother?
:'''Josh''': ''[angrily]'' THAT TEARS IT!
:'''Mindy''': ''[stops the fight]'' Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!  Stop it! Alright, just do this.
:'''Drake''': Tori?
:''[Josh hums as Tori]''
:'''Mindy''': Now take your hands.
:'''Drake''': Now, I-I really like you I- ''[Josh hums again]'' But-but I think we have to break up! ''[Josh begins to cry]'' See! I can't handle it!
:'''Mindy''': Just keep going you can handle it.
:'''Drake''': Look I-I just think I should date other people and you should too!
:'''Josh''': ''[in a very girly voice]'' Well, I guess I understand.
:'''Drake''': Uh, just one more thing.
:'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' Yes?
:'''Drake''': SHAVE OFF THE MUSTACHE!
:'''Josh''': ''[angrily]'' OUT! ''[he makes Drake leave]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': Josh, is Tori here?
:'''Josh''': Um, uh, yeah. She's over there with another good-looking guy.
:'''Drake''': Oh good, cause I have a hot date coming here already. ''[stares at Josh's half shaved mustache]'' What happened to the other half of your mustache?
:'''Josh''': I just woke this morning and it's gone.
:'''Drake''': Well, then why don't you shave off the other half?
:'''Josh''': No! Alright, that's just want Mindy wants me to do.
:'''Drake''': Dude, if you shave it off, she will kiss you!
:'''Josh''': Well, there are more important things in life than kissing girls.
:'''Drake''': Name two.
:'''Josh''': I can't!
:'''Drake''': You have to keep your dumb mustache. Come here!
:'''Josh''': What are you doing? 
:'''Drake''': Restashing you! ''[draws a mustache on Josh's face]''
:'''Josh''': Do I look good?
:'''Drake''': Here comes Liza!
:'''Josh''': Hot Liza?
:'''Drake''': The hottest you think she'll make Tori jealous.
:''[Josh mumbles]''
:'''Liza''': Hey Drake!
:'''Drake''': Hey Liza! You know my brother Josh.
:'''Liza''': What's up with him?
:'''Drake''': Come with me! ''[he and Liza leave]''

===Helen's Surgery===
:'''Drake''': ''[while wandering around the room]'' Man, Helen, you got a groove machine? And a hot tub? Man, this place cost you like, a billion dollars.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, how do you afford all this?
:'''Helen''': Is that some of your business?
:'''Drake''': How do you afford it?
:'''Helen''': Well, I'll tell you, Drake. I still get money from ''Happy Times''.
:'''Josh''': ''Happy Times'', wasn't that like a TV show back in the 70s?
:'''Helen''': That's the one.
:'''Drake''': Whoa, you played the little sister on ''Happy Times''?
:'''Helen''': Yes, I was little Georgia.
:'''Drake''': Awesome.
:'''Josh''': So cool.
:'''Helen''': Well you know, I don't like to brag about it you know. You want to watch an episode? The tapes on top of the VCR and Josh you help me get to the sofa. 
:'''Josh''': Alright.
:''[Drake turns on the TV while Josh and Helen sit on the sofa]''
:'''Helen''': Just put it on auxiliary one and press play.
:'''Josh''': Auxiliary one and play.
:''[a clip from Happy Times play when Helen appears on the show as Georgia]''
:'''Mark''': Hey Georgia! Come throw the football with me!
:'''Georgia''': You throw that football in this house, mama's gonna beat you like a cheap drone.
:'''Helen''': ''[voiceover]'' That's me! 
:'''Mark''': Here catch! ''[throws the football and break the flower vase]'' 
:'''Georgia's Mom''': Mark, you go to your room right now!
:'''Mark''': yes ma'am! ''[leaves and gets grounded by their mom]'' 
:'''Georgia's Mom''': And Georgia, you get some paper towels and help me clean this mess up.
:'''Georgia''': That is not my job!
:'''Drake''': That is not my job!
:'''Helen''': Yeah, that was catchphrase!
:'''Josh''': That is not my job!
:'''Helen''': You don't do it right!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Josh''': ''[answers the phone revealing it's Megan]'' Hello?
:'''Megan''': Josh, did you lose something?
:'''Josh''': What do you mean?
:'''Megan''': I found your boss at the park talking to a bush. So I brought her home.
:'''Josh''': Helen's at our house?
:'''Megan''': Yeah. Listen.
:'''Helen''': ''[at Drake and Josh's house]'' One cup that holds soda and popcorn and candy! ''[laughs]'' That's revolutionary!
:'''Megan''': Here that?
:'''Josh''': Just don't let her go anywhere. Alright, I'm coming to get her! ''[hangs up and leaves]''
:'''Gavin''': ''[picks up his pillow]'' Gonna take a nap on the roof. ''[leaves]''

===Paging Dr. Drake===
:'''Megan''': ''[grabs her drink and sees a bug on the wall]'' Mom, there's a bug in the wall.
:'''Audrey''': Josh, go kill the bug.
:'''Josh''': ''[gets up but refuses to kill it after Drake injured his foot]'' Go kill the bug.
:'''Drake''': I don't want to kill a bug.
:'''Walter''': Josh, she asked you to do it. ''[Josh gets an orange and kills the bug as he missed]'' GET UP AND GO SQUISH THAT BUG!
:'''Audrey''': Right now!
:'''Josh''': ''[worried]'' Okay. ''[he gets up and walks with a cane as he tries to kill the bug]''
:'''Audrey''': Okay, what up with the cane?
:'''Josh''': ''[mumbles]'' I use it to kill bugs and whatnot? ''[kills the bug with a cane]'' See? ''[falls down to the floor when he feels his foot accident]''
:'''Walter''': ''[gets up]'' JOSH! ''[he and Audrey walk up to him after he falls to the floor]'' What's the matter with you?
:'''Josh''': I don't know! This house is tilted!
:'''Megan''': No! Josh crushed his foot and he refuses to go to the hospital.
:'''Audrey''': ''[worried]'' You what?
:'''Walter''': Let's get his shoe off. ''[he and Audrey took him to sit on a chair]''
:'''Josh''': Look, d-don't even worry about it, alright. ''[Walter takes off his shoe]'' I'm-I'm sure it's-it's fine, it doesn't really even hurt any- ''[he, Walter, Audrey, and Megan yell at his badly injured left foot after he dropped a barbell on it by Drake, much to his horror]'' MORE!!! 
:'''Audrey''': OH, NO!!!
:'''Walter''': AH!!! JOSH!!!
:'''Megan''': Cool!
:''[they look at Josh's injured foot which has black marks from Drake's accident]''
:'''Drake''': Looks like mom's meatloaf! ''[his parents stare at him]'' Which tastes so good.
:'''Audrey''': How did this happened?
:'''Drake''': He dropped a barbell on it.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, after you shot me with a potato.
:'''Audrey''': A potato?
:'''Drake''': It's a long story.
:'''Walter''': ''[curious]'' Why didn't you tell us about this?
:'''Josh''': ''[worried]'' 'Cause I'm afraid of hospitals, alright?
:'''Walter''': Oh, come on!
:'''Audrey''': Do you know how serious this could be?
:'''Walter''': ''[after discovering Josh's foot]'' You could lose that foot!
:'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' But I love this foot!
:'''Audrey''': Come on, we need to get him to the hospital right now.
:''[as Drake leaves, Audrey and Walter help Josh to get to the hospital]''
:'''Megan''': If they have to remove this foot, can I have it?
:'''Walter and Audrey''': No!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Walter''': Pardon me, nurse.
:'''Nurse''': Yes?
:'''Walter''': Could you tell me what time my son's surgery is suppose to start? His name is Josh Nichols.
:'''Nurse''': Oh, I'm sorry. He passed away.
:'''Walter''': What?
:'''Nurse''': Oh, wait. ''Josh Nichols''. His surgery doesn't start for a couple hours.
:'''Walter''': Thanks.
:'''Nurse''': Sure. ''[she walks away]'' 

===Foam Finger===
:''[flashback #1: in Josh's recollection]''
:'''Little Josh''': Hey!
:'''Little Drake''': Hey.
:'''Little Josh''': I'm Josh, what's your name?
:'''Little Drake''': Drake.
:'''Little Josh''': I'm gonna buy a foam finger.
:'''Little Drake''': Um, could you not talk to me?
:'''Little Josh''': Ha-ha! You're funny. Wanna be friends?
:'''Little Drake''': If I say yes, will you stop talking to me?
:'''Little Josh''': Um, pardon me, but I think you're next in line.
:'''Little Drake''': Yeah, I know. Hey girls? Why don't you cut in you can all buy foam fingers.
:''[A group of little girls whoop while cutting and get in line to buy all the foam fingers]''
:'''Little Josh''': Hey, no cutsies! Um, I was in line! ''[the little girls leave after buying almost all of the foam fingers]'' Ladies!
:'''Little Drake''': Got any foam fingers left?
:'''Lenny''': Just one.
:'''Little Drake''': ''[satisfied]'' Good. I'll buy it. So he can't have it!
:'''Little Josh''': Heh!?
:'''Lenny''': Here you go, the last foam finger.
:'''Little Drake''': ''[satisfied]'' Ha-ha! I got the last foam finger!
:'''Little Josh''': Daddy! ''[little Drake hits him]'' You thumped me!
:'''Little Drake''': Did not.
:'''Little Josh''': Daddy!
:''[Little Drake tackles Little Josh, causing a fight for the last foam finger]''
:'''Lenny''': Cops! Cops!
:''[they continue fighting until the cops show up as Josh's recollection ends]''
:'''Josh''': And then the cops had to come break it up!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[flashback #2: in Drake's recollection]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Drake''': Cause I'm #1! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:'''Josh''': What up with the cans? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[flashback #3: in Lenny's recollection]''
:'''Lenny''': The Padres were playing against the Giants, and I was selling foam fingers, it was late in the afternoon, these two boys get in line at the concession stand...
:'''Audrey''': Okay, Drake, here's some money, you get yourself a souvenir.
:'''Little Drake''': Thanks, mom.
:'''Audrey''': Megan! Are you hungry?
:'''Little Megan''': Yeah!
:'''Audrey''': Yes! You can have a cookie.
:'''Little Megan''': I am hungry!
:'''Audrey''': Take the cookie!
:'''Little Josh''': Hey.
:'''Little Drake''': Hey.
:'''Little Josh''': I'm Josh.
:'''Little Drake''': Drake.
:'''Little Josh''': I'm gonna buy a foam finger.
:'''Little Drake''': Me too.
:'''Little Josh''': Cool.
:'''Lenny''': Next in line.
:'''Little Josh:''' Hey, you're up.
:''[two little girls walk up behind the boys]''
:'''Little Girl''': Hi, is it okay if we cut in front of you?
:'''Little Drake''': Cool with you?
:'''Little Josh''': Sure.
:'''Little Drake''': Go ahead.
:'''Little Josh''': You know, my dad's a weatherman.
:'''Little Drake''': My mom loves weathermen.
:'''Little Girl''': Thanks. Bye. ''[She and the other little girl leave]''
:'''Little Drake''': One foam finger, please.
:'''Lenny''': O... kay, it looks like you got the last one.
:'''Little Josh''': Aw, that's the last foam finger?
:'''Little Drake''': I'm really sorry.
:'''Little Josh''': Daddy! ''[little Megan throws the cookie at Josh's head]'' Aaah! You thumped me.
:'''Little Drake''': No, I didn't.
:''[they both start fighting again for the last foam finger]''
:'''Lenny''': Cops! Cops!
:''[they continue fighting until the cops show up as Lenny's recollection ends]''
:'''Josh''': So... it was Megan who started the fight.
:'''Lenny''': That's right. She threw the cookie.
:'''Megan''': Wow. I was even cool then! 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:'''Drake''' I wonder what it's gonna be like when we're 80. 
:'''Josh''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah. 
:''[They imagine themselves as 80-year-olds, all old and cranky]'' 
:'''Elderly Josh''': I am starving. ''[blows on his in-haller; an elderly Megan comes to bring them their bowls of food]'' Starving! 
:'''Elderly Drake''': Yeah, where's Megan with our dinna? 
:'''Both''': Megaaaaan! 
:'''Elderly Megan''': I'm comin', I'm comin'! Drake, here's your oatmeal. Josh, here's your cream of wheat. ''[gives them their bowls]'' Boobs! ''[walks away]'' 
:'''Elderly Josh''': Wait! Wait-wait, I wanted the oatmeal. 
:'''Elderly Drake''':  No, you asked for the cream of wheat. 
:'''Elderly Josh''': You gimme that oatmeal! 
:''' Elderly Drake''': Over my dead body! 
:'''Elderly Josh''': Fine! I can wait 5 minutes. 
:'''Elderly Drake''': That's it! I'm eatin' on the other side of the room. ''[gets up]'' 
:'''Elderly Josh''': Well, who needs ya? ''[gets up cracking his back, as Megan secretly throws a cookie at him and quickly escapes]'' You threw somethin' at me! 
:'''Elderly Drake''': That's a lie!  
:'''Elderly Josh''': It is on!  
:'''Elderly Drake''': Oh, it's on! 
:'''Elderly Josh''': It's go time! 
:'''Elderly Drake''': I'll show you go time!  
:'''Elderly Josh''': I am comin' at you, fastest lighting!  
:''[both fight until they fall asleep on the couch as the episode ends]''

===Girl Power===
:'''Drake''': You know what I love about you?
:'''Lucy''': And what do you love about me?
:'''Drake''': You're always in a great mood. Man, I can't believe I even thought about dumping you.
:'''Lucy''': Huh?
:'''Drake''': Oh, oh, nothing, it's stupid.
:'''Lucy''': Oh, tell me.
:'''Drake''': Well, it's just you know. Okay, to be totally honest, you know I-I got kind of freaked out about the other night.
:'''Lucy''': What, the thing with the football player?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, you know I was thinking how could I date a girl who's tougher than me? But Josh told me I was just being dumb.
:'''Lucy''': Yeah. So now you're cool with it?
:'''Drake''': Cool with what?
:'''Lucy''': Dating a girl that's tougher than you.
:'''Drake''': Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay you are not tougher than me, that football player just caught me off guard.
:'''Lucy''': ''[laughing]'' Okay, whatever you say.
:'''Drake''': You think you're tougher than me.
:'''Lucy''': Kinda.
:''[Drake and Lucy both get together in an arm wrestling contest]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:'''Lucy''': Woops. 
:'''Drake''': Not bad. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake and Lucy continue their wrestling match downstairs, ruining Josh and Mindy's dinner as the Megan and the kids cheer]''
:'''Josh''': ''[incredibly furious after making Drake stop fighting]'' IT'S A DRAW!
:'''Mindy's Dad''': Josh, who are these people?
:'''Josh''': Uh, this is my brother Drake. Drake, this is-
:'''Mindy's Mom''': He's your brother?
:'''Mindy's Dad''': I knew it! I knew these were not the kind of people our daughter should be associating with. Mindy, we're going!
:'''Mindy''': Dad, mom, wait!
:'''Josh''': ''[incredibly furious]'' You see what you do? One night. One night, I ask you to help me and you ruin it!
:'''Drake''': Josh.
:'''Josh''': ''[incredibly furious]'' Look, I-I told you how important this was to me. I told you that this was my last chance to impress Mindy's parents. I-I spent like two days working on this dinner and I spent like 300 bucks on a dumb harpist, who at this point, SHOULD STOP PLAYING! ''[the harpist stops playing]'' And I don't even care what you think of Mindy, alright? Because she is the best thing that ever happened to me and I can't date her anymore because you wrecked it! Alright, y-y-you you wrecked my dinner, you wrecked my $100 ice sculpture, and you wrecked my relationship!
:'''Drake''': Y-You spent $100 on ice? ''[Josh attacks him and begins to fight with him, until Lucy stops them]''
:'''Lucy''': Stop!
:'''Mindy's Dad''': Listen, Josh! I think… that you and Mindy should continue dating.
:'''Josh''': For real?
:'''Mindy''': Why'd you changed your mind?
:'''Mindy's Mom''': Because any young man who cares that cares about that much our Mindy. I think you understand.
:'''Josh''': Thank you so much, Mr. &amp; Mrs. Crenshaw.
:'''Mindy's Dad''': Just one thing.
:'''Josh''': Yes, sir?
:'''Mindy's Dad''': What were you two fighting about?
:'''Lucy''': Oh, see, I challenged him to a wrestling match because he didn't believe that I was tougher than him.
:'''Mindy's Dad''': Well, of course you're not. ''[chuckles]'' 
:'''Lucy''': Huh?
:'''Mindy's Dad''': Physically, boys are genetically superior to girls.
:'''Drake''': Ah, thank you.
:'''Mindy's Mom''': Oh, Paul, you sound like an idiot.
:'''Mindy''': You tell him, mom.
:'''Mindy's Mom''': You know, fighting has to do with skill, not male-vs-female genetics.
:'''Mindy's Dad''': Oh, don't be absurd. Men are tougher than women.
:'''Mindy's Mom''': Oh, I have stakes tougher than you.
:'''Megan''': Well, I guess there's only one way to settle this.
:'''Boy''': FIGHT!
:''[Mindy's parents get into a fight as the episode ends]''

===Sheep Thrills===
:''[Drake and Josh find a sheep in the garage during the middle of the night]''
:'''Josh''': What up with the sheep?
:'''Megan''': ''[comes in the garage]'' Why are you guys in the garage? Did you hurt my sheep?
:'''Drake''': This thing's yours?
:'''Megan''': Yes, he's mine. Are you okay Baaahhb?
:'''Josh''': His name is Bob?
:'''Megan''': No, he's a sheep, his name is Baaahhb!
:'''Drake''': It's not Bob, it's Baaahhb. ''[Josh stares at him]''
:'''Josh''': Yes, I get it. Here's a crazy question, where'd you get a sheep?
:'''Megan''': I bought him on the internet.
:'''Josh''': Oh excuse me for not being familiar with the sheepstore.com.
:'''Drake''': I thought mom and dad said you can't have a pet.
:'''Megan''': No, they said I couldn't have a cat. They said nothing about a sheep.
:'''Josh''': Well when mom and dad find Baaahhb, you're going to be in some big time trouble little girl.
:'''Megan''': No, they're not gonna find it because you two are gonna hide them in your room.
:'''Josh''': Oh really.
:'''Drake''': And what makes you think we're gonna do that?
:'''Megan''': Well, if you two hide him, just till I figure out a way to explain to mom and dad.
:'''Josh''': Yeah.
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Megan''': I promise not to pull any pranks on you for 3 months.
:''[Drake and Josh both gasp]''
:'''Josh''': For real?
:'''Drake''': You swear.
:'''Megan''': Swear.
:'''Josh''': Think about it.
:'''Drake''': A world where Megan doesn't do bad things to us.
:''[Drake and Josh both have a dream set at a garden where Megan happily throws flowers at them and dance together]''
:'''Drake and Josh''': We'll do it.
:'''Megan''': Excellent.
:'''Drake''': But just for a few days.
:'''Megan''': That's all I need. Now you take Baaahhb up to your room and make him comfortable. ''[she gives her pet sheep to Drake and Josh]'' And uh, be sure he has plenty of water. Night! ''[leaves the garage]''
:'''Josh''': Alright, we should take Bob up to our-
:'''Drake''': It's Baaahhb!
:''[Josh sprays on Drake's face to make him hush]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:'''Dr. Glazer''': But you told me your father fell down the stairs again. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake and Josh feel tried and go upstairs as they bring Baaahhb up to their room when they tried to avoid showing it to Audrey and Walter]''
:'''Josh''': ''[tried]'' Oh, we did it.
:'''Drake''': ''[tried, picks up the lamb]'' Yeah.
:'''Josh''': ''[tried]'' Yeah, come on. Come on. Alright. Now. Uh, you... ''[now awake]'' You stay here with the baby and Baaahhb. I'm gonna go downstairs and make sure mom and dad aren’t suspicious. ''[he opens the door and screams at Audrey and Walter who feels suspicious, much to his horror, he closes the door in front of them and runs up to Drake as he feels shocked]'' THEY'RE SUSPICIOUS!
:''[Audrey and Walter come inside Drake and Josh's room and find two sheep in their room thinking they had cause all the trouble they've done]''
:'''Audrey''': Well, we came up here to ask why you guys are acting so strange tonight.
:'''Walter''': But, uh, maybe a better question would be: Um, why do you have two sheep in your room?
:'''Josh''': Like technically, a little one is called a lamb.
:'''Walter''': Josh.
:'''Drake''': You, alright, this is all Megan's fault!
:'''Audrey''': Here we go again.
:'''Josh''': No, it is. Oh, go, okay, she bought the big one online.
:'''Drake''': And then it gave birth on my bed.
:'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' No, I'm really upset!
:'''Walter''': Ok. So you want us to believe that a sweet little 11-year-old girl somehow managed to go on the internet and buy herself a pregnant sheep.
:'''Josh''': It does sound unlikely.
:'''Drake''': It's true!
:'''Josh''': It's true!
:'''Megan''': ''[comes home from oboe practice and goes inside Drake and Josh's room]'' Hey, what's going on?
:'''Drake''': Ha! Now she could tell you herself.
:'''Josh''': Yeah. You put down your oboe and tell them what they did!
:'''Megan''': What are you guys talking-? ''[sees a sheep in Drake and Josh's room and drops her oboe]'' Wow! A sheep! How cute! ''[gives a sheep a hug]'' Oh. Where'd you guys get him?
:''[Audrey and Walter stare at Drake and Josh as Megan pretends to not know about the sheep]''
:'''Josh''': ''[worried]'' What? You got-you-you know good and well.
:'''Drake''': How long are we grounded?
:'''Audrey''': A month.
:'''Josh''': Fair enough.
:''[Audrey and Walter are both satisfied that Drake and Josh are both grounded for one month, the lamb baas whiles Megan hugs a sheep]''

===Megan's New Teacher===
:'''Josh''': Good morning class. My name is Mr. Nichols. Now, today we're going to be learning about the atom.
:'''Adam''': Oh! My names Adam.
:'''Josh''': No, I mean we'll be learning about molecular bonding. Now, I'm going to be teaching you guys all kinds of cool stuff about chemistry. So, you're going to need these special textbooks.
:'''Katie''': Advanced molecular theory?
:'''Adam''': ''[while having a college textbook on his desk]'' Oh, this is a college textbook!
:'''Josh''': I know
:'''Megan''': Yo, boob.
:'''Josh''': Excuse me, Megan, I'm your teacher!
:'''Megan''': Sorry, Mr. Boob. This stuff is way to hard for us.
:''[Megan's class mumble]''
:'''Josh''': Sh! Alright, look, I believe that kids are way more capable then your giving credit for.
:'''Boy''': Kevin's eating glue!
:'''Josh''': ''[takes the glue away from Kevin]'' Don't you know your not supposed to eat glue!? ''[Kevin mumbles with his mouth full of glue]'' Look, I just think that young people need to be challenged and I'm Mr. Challenge!
:'''Katie''': You said you're Mr. Nichols!
:'''Adam''': I thought he is Mr. Boob!
:''[Megan's class laugh]'' 
:'''Josh''': Hey, watch it. Alright, I can be quick with the timeouts! Just saying!
:'''Katie''': That guy's your brother?
:'''Megan''': Yeah.
:'''Katie''': I'm so sorry.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Josh''': ''[with German accent]'' Alright, I am a very famous person. Who am I?
:'''Katie''': A hobo?
:'''Josh''': No. Hobos aren't famous. Now, here's the hint. I am a famous scientist.
:'''Neil''': Harry Potter.
:'''Josh''': No. Harry Potter is a wizard. Think. I am a ''German'' scientist.
:'''Adam''': A hobo!
:'''Josh''': ''[in his normal accent]'' Dude, I'm Albert Einstein! You should know this from your homework last night.
:'''Megan''': I told you, we weren't doing it.
:'''Josh''': Wait a minute. None of you did your homework?
:'''Katie''': I tried to, but I couldn't figure it out, so I asked my mom to help me.
:'''Josh''': And?
:'''Katie''': She couldn't figure it out, either. So, she asked my dad, and then he got mad and went to a motel.
:'''Josh''': Well, then I guess I'm going to have to give you all a pop quiz.
:''[Megan's class mumble]''
:'''Megan''': Yo, Einstein. If you give us a quiz on homework we didn't do, we're gonna fail!
:'''Josh''': You shouldn't thought of that when you weren't doing your homework.
:'''Katie''': Your brother is getting on my nerves.
:'''Adam''': Yeah, he's bugging me too.
:'''Megan''': It's not my fault.
:'''Ms. Hunter''': ''[comes in]'' Alright children- Oh no! Security! We've got another hobo in the classroom!
:''[the security guard sprays Josh's face]''
:'''Josh''': I'm not a hobo! STAND DOWN!

===Little Sibling===
:'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Good morning, adulessons. Please take your seats. Taylor, take off your headphones or I will sell them on the internet. ''[looks at the empty seat]'' We have an empty seat, who's not here?
:'''Becca''': ''[runs up to Mrs. Hayfer]'' Mrs. Hayfer, the lunch ladies are fighting again.
:'''Mrs. Hayfer''': What is it about sloppy joe day that makes those women so violent? ''[as she leaves]'' Helga? Helga?!
:'''Josh''': So what are the lunch ladies fighting about?
:'''Becca''': Oh, they're not fighting.
:'''Josh''': Why'd you tell Mrs. Hayfer they were fighting?
:'''Drake''': ''[walks in]'' Thank you, Becca.
:'''Josh''': Of course.
:'''Drake''': And how could I ever repay you?
:'''Becca''': I think you can guess. ''[Drake and Becca kiss on the lips]'' Let me know if you need more help.
:'''Drake''': Let me know if you need more Drake. ''[Becca walks away]'' Oh, and Josh, you left your ointment at home.
:'''Josh''': Is nothing personal?
:'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Well, the lunch ladies were not fighting and I don't know why those girls called- ''[sees Drake sitting down]'' Drake Parker, were you here when I left?
:'''Drake''': Oh, oh, yeah, totally. You probably didn't see me because I had my face buried in this book.
:'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Are you lying to me Drake?
:'''Drake''': Would I lie to you?
:'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Let me think, yes. But I know someone who never lies. ''[walks over to Josh]'' Josh? Was Drake on time to my class today?
:'''Josh''': Um, you know, what is time? When you think about it because Einstein theorized that time actually-
:'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Josh! 
:'''Josh''': ''[whines]'' No, he wasn't here on time.
:'''Drake''': Josh!
:'''Josh''': ''[whines]'' Tell that girl to come in here so you'd have to leave so he could to sneak into class. I'm sorry, I can't lie. If you murder me in my sleep tonight I'd appreciate you doing it in a way that's not painful. ''[whines]'' IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK? ''[ends up getting a scary emotion]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[comes in The Premiere and finds Drake and Josh with Sammy]'' Very, very, interesting.
:'''Drake''': Mrs. Hayfer, what are you doing out in public?
:'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Apparently, watching you, fail miserably. Josh, would you take Sammy to the nurse for a moment?
:'''Josh''': There's no nurse here-
:'''Mrs. Hayfer''': TO THE NURSE!
:'''Josh''': Come on, Sammy! ''[he and Sammy run off]''
:'''Drake''': Mrs. Hayfer, I can explain.
:'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Drake, we had a deal. You stay out of remedial English as long as your Sammy's big sibling but if Sammy prefers Josh, well I think we know what will happen to you.
:''[Drake has a second dream sequence in Remedial English with lack of discipline that includes poorly behaved students and a vicious dog named Cuddles that's controlled by a mean teen]''
:'''Mr. Talbot''': ''[in Drake's dream; with his hands and feet tied-up]'' WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE CALL THE POLICE!
:''[2 Gothic love starved Bartleby sisters try to kiss Drake as Drake's second dream ends]''
:'''Drake''': Okay, okay, just give me one day and I promise Sammy will love me.
:'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Make sure it happens. ''[walks away but stops for a little bit to talk to Drake]'' Oh, and Drake. Guess what?
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[satisfied]'' I hate you.
:'''Drake''': ''[worried]'' I know.

===Theater Thug===
:''[Megan and Josh enters Drake and Josh's room]''
:'''Megan''': I so don't want to do this! 
:'''Josh''': Come on! Just work with me for ten minutes! 
:'''Drake''': What are you guys doing? 
:'''Megan''': He wants me to help him rehearse his lines for FBI's Most Wanted. 
:'''Drake''': ''[to Josh]'' Dude, you are taking this acting thing way too seriously! 
:'''Josh''': I just want to be good, alright? 
:'''Drake''': It's acting, you show up, you say some stuff, you go home, anyone could do it. 
:'''Josh''': Okay Megan, when I walk through the door, just react naturally to what I say. ''[he leaves the room]'' Megan, you ready? 
:'''Megan''': Wait, let me go over my line. ''[looks at her script]'' What? Okay, I'm ready! 
:'''Josh''': Drake, yell action! 
:'''Drake''': ''[unenthusiastically, while playing some notes on his guitar]'' Action. 
:'''Josh''': ''[walks through the door]'' Where's the money? 
:'''Megan''': What? 
:'''Josh''': Where's the money? You give me the money, I ain't playing! ''[Megan giggles]'' Oh come on! You can't giggle! 
:'''Megan''': You said to react naturally. You tried to act tough so naturally I laughed.
:'''Josh''': Okay, don't react naturally, act the way you would if I was a big scary robber. ''[leaves the room]'' Drake! 
:'''Drake''': ''[unenthusiastically, while playing some notes on his guitar]'' Action. 
:'''Josh''': ''[walks through the door]'' Where's the money? 
:'''Megan''': What? 
:'''Josh''': Where's the money? You give me the money, I ain't playing! 
:'''Megan''': There's a cop behind you. 
:'''Josh''': ''[turns around]'' What cop? ''[Megan pushes him through the door and locks it]'' Megan! Open this door! Alright, fine! I'll just bust it down! ''[tries to get in, but he falls to the floor]'' Never mind...
:''[Drake and Megan laugh]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': Come on.
:'''Josh''': I feel like an idiot.
:'''Drake''': You look fine.
:'''Josh''': ''[he walks out, wearing a hippie disguise]'' I look so stupid.
:'''Drake''': So, at least you're not gettin' beat up or arrested.
:'''Josh''': I guess. What it ease? People are staring at me.
:'''Drake''': So, just ignore 'em. at least it's working.
:'''Man''': Hey, it's the Theater Thug!
:'''Josh''': No, no, no!
:'''Man''': And he's wearing a hippie disguise!
:'''Josh''': No, no! See, my name is Antoine. How are you...
:'''Old Lady''': Don't let him get away!
:'''Josh''': ''[being crowded]'' I'm--no, I'm not the guy! hey, It's not me! I'm... ''[whistles blows]'' Wait, wait! ''[dragged by the police]'' I'm not the guy! You've got the--No! ''[sputtering]'' I'm not--I'm not the guy! No! tell him I'm not the guy! He went that way! He went--''[dragged by the police again]'' I'm not the guy!

===The Demonator===
:''[Drake and Josh get ready to ride The Demonator as they leave the house]''
:'''Josh''': Hi, parents.
:'''Drake''': Bye, parents.
:'''Walter''': ''[stops the boys from leaving]'' Woah, woah, woah, woah. Where do you boys think you're going?
:'''Drake''': Uh, to make history.
:'''Josh''': We're going to ride The Demonator.
:'''Audrey''': No, you promised that you'd stay here and watch Papa Nichols.
:'''Drake''': Ugh, fine. Here, come on, he can come with us. Come on, Josh, grab his feet.
:'''Josh''': Why do I always have to grab the feet?
:''[Drake lifts Papa Nichols' shoulders while Josh lifts his feet]''
:'''Walter''': Guys, you can't take your great-grandfather to ride The Demonator.
:'''Josh''': Sure we can.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, you only have to be this tall. ''[he puts his hand about yay high]''
:'''Walter''': The man just had surgery, and he's heavily medicated.
:'''Drake''': Oh, come on, he fought in World War II.
:'''Josh''': The Demonator is nothing for a man who's seen combat!
:'''Audrey''': Okay, listen to my words. You boys are going to stay here and take care of Papa Nichols, are we clear?
:'''Josh''': Yes.
:'''Drake''': Fine.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[while Drake, Josh, and Megan are out riding the Demonator, Craig and Eric are at home watching Papa Nichols]''
:'''Craig''': Drake said he'd be asleep all night.
:'''Papa Nichols''': ''[wakes up]'' Oh, where am I? What's happened?
:'''Eric''': He's disoriented.
:'''Papa Nichols''': What did you call me?
:'''Eric''': Oh. Uh, nothing, sir. I was just uhh...
:'''Papa Nichols''': What have you done with the rest of my unit?
:'''Craig''': What does he mean, his unit?
:''[Papa Nichols picks up his slipper]''
:'''Eric''': I guess he thinks he's back in World War II.
:'''Papa Nichols''': ''[uses his slipper as a walkie-talkie]'' General Patton, sir. It's Sergeant Nichols. I've just been captured by two German nerds!
:'''Eric''': Oh. No, no, sir. We're not Germans.
:'''Papa Nichols''': That's just what a German would say!
:'''Eric''': No, no, no. You don't understand...
:'''Papa Nichols''': No, no. You will not capture me. ''[bonks Eric in the head]'' Ever!
:'''Craig''': Eric!
:'''Papa Nichols''': ''[mumbling]'' Get outta here! ''[Craig screams as Papa Nichols throws him over the couch]'' USA! USA! USA! ''[starts running off]'' USA! USA! USA! USA!
:''[after Papa Nichols leaves, Craig and Eric are sitting on the floor feeling themselves in pain]'' 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:'''Walter''': Papa Nicholas. Papa Nicholas. Wake up. It's time to- 
:'''Papa Nicholas''': AH! ''[punches Walter, knocking him out; laughs]'' Nice try, German! USA! USA! USA! USA!

===Alien Invasion===
:''[Drake turns on the radio while Josh is doing homework]''
:'''Josh''': Hey! Hey!
:'''Drake''': Oh, hey. Want some sandwich?
:'''Josh''': No! I'm trying to do my homework. Could you turn that off?!
:'''Drake''': ''[takes out his guitar and starts singing in blues]'' Oh cranky Josh, he is getting so cranky, so very cranky. ''[Josh brakes his pencil]'' And now he brakes things. Somebody could call to the pencil repayment.
:'''Josh''': DUDE!!! Would you please stop that improvisation of blues tune? Don't you have homework to do?
:'''Drake''': My homework's already been taken care of. ''[gives his note to Josh]''
:'''Josh''': ''[reading Drake fake doctor's note]'' Please excuse Drake from his homework. He twisted his liver and is unable to read, write, or bathe. Yours truly, the doctor.
:'''Drake''': Wrote it myself!
:'''Josh''': Shouldn't the doctor have a name?
:'''Drake''': Oh, yes. Here, gimme that. Bob! &quot;Bob, the Doctor&quot;. Yeah?
:'''Josh''': Oh yeah, yeah! That is perfect!
:'''Drake''': Cool!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Josh''': Hey, she out there?
:'''Drake''': Yep, she keeps looking up in the sky wondering where the aliens are.
:'''Josh''': Perfect, alright. Come here, now this is the ham radio.
:'''Drake''': Mmm, ham radio.
:'''Josh''': Now we just talk into this mic and we sound like aliens.
:'''Drake''': Oh cool gimme it. Bonjour Si' te plait. ''[Josh takes the mic]''
:'''Josh''': We're supposed to sound like we're from outer space, NOT PARIS!
:'''Drake''': You know there's a way to correct people nicely. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:'''Megan''': Hello? Hello? Who's out there? Hello? ''[hears alien nosies]'' Who said that? ''[Drake and Josh, disguised as aliens, comes through the fence gate towards her]'' Leave me alone! You'd better not eat my face! Stay away! ''[falls backwards; screams]'' What are you doing? ''[the &quot;aliens&quot; pause]'' What are you gonna do? 
:'''Drake and Josh''': ''[exchange looks]'' Dance. ''[dance in victory]'' Gotcha! ''[chest bump]'' 
:'''Megan''': What? ''[D&amp;J take off their masks]'' Drake, Josh!?

===Dr. Phyllis Show===
:''[Megan comes in Drake and Josh's room while Drake and Josh are still arguing together]''
:'''Megan''': Hey! Hey! HEY!
:'''Josh''': What?
:'''Megan''': It is 11:45 PM and I am a little girl. Little girls are suppose to be asleep by 11:45 PM. Now, this is the third night in a row that you clowns kept me up in a fight. ''[Drake and Josh began fighting]'' HEY! Here! ''[gives Drake and Josh tickets]''
:'''Josh''': What are these?
:'''Megan''': Tickets to the ''Dr. Phyllis Show''. You guys are both going tomorrow after school. The topic is Bickering Brothers. Now, I'm going to go back to sleep and I don't want to hear another sound from this room. ''[leaves Drake and Josh's room]'' 
:'''Drake''': I'm not going on her show. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[after all of Drake and Josh's flashbacks from the previous episodes we're shown]''
:'''Dr. Phyllis''': Unbelievable!
:'''Drake and Josh''': I know.
:'''Dr. Phyllis''': Bickering is one thing, but you two should be ashamed of yourselves for allowing it to escalate to physical confutations.  
:'''Josh''': No! I will not share the blame here. I am the victim of this relationship.
:'''Drake''': How are you the victim?
:'''Josh''': You always take advantage of me.
:'''Drake''': Ha!
:'''Dr. Phyllis''': Drake, come on honestly. Do you ever take advantage of Josh just a little bit?
:'''Josh''': Well, but not just me. He takes advantage of everyone.
:'''Drake''': Oh, name one time.
:'''Josh''': Okay, uhh. That girl Liza.
:'''Drake''': Hot Liza?
:'''Josh''': Yeah, you totally dated her just to get your old girlfriend back.
:'''Drake''': That's an exasperation!
:'''Josh''': Exaggeration, read a book, would ya!? 
:'''Drake''': No!
:'''Dr. Phyllis''': Josh, tell me a little bit more about Drake and this girl hot Liza.
:'''Josh''': I'm glad, too. See, Drake could have just broken up with this girl Tori. But he wanted her back. So, he thought to make her jealous by making out with this hot girl Liza.
:'''Dr. Phyliss''': Drake, is this story true?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, but I totally learned my lesson. Let me tell ya, Liza Tupper, worst kisser ever!
:'''Josh''': I have heard that.
:'''Dr. Phyllis''': Liza Tupper?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, and she's not the smartest won-ton on the poo-poo platter either if you know what I'm saying!
:'''Dr. Phyllis''': You're saying she's dumb?
:'''Drake''': And a bad kisser!
:'''Dr. Phyllis''': ''[anger rising]'' Liza Tupper happens to be my daughter!
:'''Drake''': ''[gets up]'' Oh, this is awkward.
:''[Dr. Phyllis gets up and gets mad at Drake as she attacks him, then attacks Josh when he tries to stop her]'' 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:'''Drake''': Alright, a toast, to the best brother I've ever had. 
:'''Josh''': Back at ya, brother.

==External links==

{{wikipedia|Drake &amp; Josh}}

[[Category:Drake &amp; Josh seasons]]
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]</text>
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:'''Seasons:'''  [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 1|1]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 2|2]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 3|3]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 4|4]] | [[Drake &amp; Josh|Main]]
----
'''''[[w:Drake &amp; Josh|Drake &amp; Josh]]''''' is an American television sitcom created by Dan Schneider for Nickelodeon. The series follows the lives of two teenage boys with opposite personalities, Drake Parker (Drake Bell) and Josh Nichols (Josh Peck), who are stepbrothers.

===The Drake &amp; Josh Inn===
:''[Drake and Josh hop up from behind the couch and sit on either side of Megan, smiling]''
:'''Megan''': What?
:'''Drake''': ''[singing]'' ''We're gonna be the boss of you''
:'''Josh''': ''[singing]'' ''And you have to do-oo what we say''
:'''Drake''': ''[singing]'' ''Ha ha!''
:'''Josh''': ''[singing]'' ''Ha-ha ha haa!''
:'''Megan''': Okay, you, can't sing. You're a moron. And what are you talking about anyway?
:'''Drake''': We're talking about the fact that Mom and Dad are gonna be out of town ''all'' weekend.
:'''Josh''': Which means we are in charge of the house.
:'''Drake''': The refrigerator.
:'''Josh''': The TV set.
:'''Drake''': And, the you.
:'''Megan''': Oh, you guys think you're going to be in charge?
:'''Josh''': Yeah, we are.
:'''Drake''': In fact, I've decided to change the channel. ''[changes the channel on TV]''
:'''Megan''': I was watching something.
:'''Josh''': Um. Were.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, good one. ''[he and Josh fist pump]''
:'''Megan''': ''[stands up]'' GIVE ME THE REMOTE.
:'''Drake''': ''[stands up]'' I don't think so, Megan. In fact, why don't you just run up to your- ''[Megan flips him]''
:'''Josh''': ''[stands up]'' What the? Megan, you can't just flip someone- ''[Megan flips him and sits on the couch with the remote]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Josh turns off the radio and honks at everyone]''
:'''Nikki''': Hey, what's going on?
:'''College Guy''': Turn the music back up!
:'''Drake''': Everyone, quiet, please!
:'''Josh''': Okay, we have an emergency!
:'''Drake''': Ah, yes, it seems we have a serious gas leak here in the Drake and Josh Inn!
:'''College Guy''': Oh, uh, sorry, I think that was me.
:'''Josh''': No! Alright, there is a serious leak of hydro... mono... monoxipuff gas!
:'''Drake''': Uh, yeah, it makes your eyes bleed!
:'''Josh''': So if everyone will please leave the building immediately-
:'''Helen''': I don't believe 'em!
:'''Nikki''': Yeah! Come on, let's party!
:''[everyone starts dancing again]''
:'''Drake''': ''[to Megan, through a walkie talkie]'' Now!
:'''Megan''': ''[in Drake and Josh's room]'' Copy! ''[turns on a gas machine linked to the vent in Drake and Josh's room as green gas begins emanating from the vent in the living room to kick out all of the spring breakers]''
:'''Josh''': Oh, no! Look! ''[points to the vent]''
:'''Drake''': It's the monoxipuff gas!
:''[everyone starts screaming and leaves the house when Megan pranks them with the monoxipuff gas from Drake and Josh's room]''
:'''Josh''': Now, lock it! Now, hug me, brother! ''[he and Drake hug themselves after everyone leaves the house]'' 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:''[cops arrive after hearing about how the Nicholas-Parkers' house was having a party with college kids on TV]'' 
:'''Walter''': Yes, officers, can we help you? 
:'''Cop''': Yes. Sir, you know it's against the law to host a televised event from a private residence without a city authorized permit. 
:'''Walter''': Heh? 
:'''Audrey''': We didn't host a televised event. 
:'''Cop''': Yeah, we have evidence that says you did. 
:'''Walter''': But, officers- 
:'''Cop''': D, please. ''[they grab Walter and Audrey]'' 
:'''Audrey''': No, what're you-? 
:'''Walter''': But, you see, look- I'm a weatherman. ''[cop shuts the door]''

===Peruvian Puff Pepper===
:''[Drake and Josh dress up as burglars and are sneak inside Megan's room]''
:'''Josh''': Okay, now, look around, find some evidence that proves that she's a demon and then let's get out of here!
:'''Drake''': Yeah, this place gives me the skives.
:'''Josh''': ''[looks under the Megan's bed]'' Did you see anything?
:'''Drake''': No, look under the bed.
:'''Josh''': Okay. Find any over there?
:'''Drake''': Wait, Josh, Josh come here! ''[picks up Megan's picture]''
:'''Josh''': What?
:'''Drake''': Check out this family picture!
:'''Josh''': What about it?
:'''Drake''': I look good!
:'''Josh''': Will you please stay focused!? ''[takes Megan's picture away from him]'' See anything yet? Check in the closet. ''[Drake opens and checks Megan's closet]'' See anything in here?
:'''Drake''': Man, there's nothing in here. It just looks like a normal girl's room.
:'''Josh''': ''[hears electrical blurb]'' Oh, you think? ''[takes unicorn poster off wall to find a spy monitor behind it]'' Holy cheese! Look at all that equipment!
:'''Drake''': So this is how she always knows what we're doing! What do you think this button does? ''[presses button and it shocks Josh's butt]''
:'''Josh''': So that's why that's been happening! I thought it was puberty.
:'''Drake''': Come on, let's just get this back up. ''[puts the unicorn poster back on the wall]''
:'''Josh''': What do we do now?
:'''Drake''': When mom and dad come home, we'll show them this stuff then they'll see how Megan really is.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, yeah. Cause now, we got evidence baby. Come on, let's get out of here. ''[he and Drake leave Megan's room, but Drake stops by and stares at Megan's picture which causes Josh to tell Drake to put it down]'' PUT IT DOWN! ''[Drake puts Megan's picture down and Josh points to the door so that way he could make Drake leave Megan's room]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake and Josh are both disqualified when they reveal their secret, as Peruvian Puff Peppers are illegal in the United States, leaving Megan as the winner]''
:'''Megan''': ''[satisfied]'' What, you think I purposely got the Peruvian Puff Peppers knowing you'd steal them from me and use them in your own salsa? Just so I could point it out to the judges get you disqualified? And then walk away with the yatsubishi plasma screen TV for myself? Come on. I'm not that smart. ''[walks away while Drake and Josh look very disappointed]''

===We're Married===
:''[Opening comments: Josh emailed his e-pal from a foreign country while Drake got so thirsty and pranked called Josh]''
:'''Josh''': ''[looks up from a book]'' Have you ever been really good friends with someone you never even met before?
:'''Drake''': ''[looks up from a magazine]'' Have you ever been really thirsty, just didn't feel like getting up?
:'''Josh''': See, for over a year now, I've been e-mailing this girl from a foreign country. ''[telephone starts ringing]'' One sec. ''[picks up phone]'' Hello?
:'''Drake''': ''[on the phone in a bad accent]'' Yeah, this is Lieutenant Peterson with the San Diego Police Department.
:'''Josh''': ''[skeptical and aware that's actually Drake]'' Oh is it?
:'''Drake''': ''[still using the bad accent]'' Yeah, you're gonna need to get a can of soda upstairs to your brother, at code three.
:'''Josh''': ''[getting annoyed with Drake]'' Code this! ''[blows whistle into the phone receiver loudly as he and Drake hangs the phone up]'' Anyway, back to my e-pal, Yooka. It's kinda weird to be friends with someone you've never met or even talked to on the phone, but I— ''[telephone rings again and gets angry revealing that it's Walter on the phone thinking it's Drake]'' If you call me one more time, I will take an entire bottle of maple syrup and pour all over your underwear drawer, so for the next 90 days you could walk around with sticky butt!
:'''Walter''': ''[confused]'' Josh, it's your father.
:'''Josh''': Nice try, you big doof! ''[hangs up the phone]'' Man! If he's so thirsty, why can't he come downstairs, go in the kitchen and get himself— ''[looks and sees Drake sitting on the couch and realizes his mistake]'' Oh, jeez.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Drake''': On it. 
:'''Josh''': Not that way! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Audrey''': Ok, Drake. I just want you to calmly explain to me ''[yelling]'' WHY YOU ARE MARRIED TO THAT EUDONAIN GIRL!
:'''Drake''': Well, you see Josh arranged this this whole friendship ceremony, but but it turned to be a marriage ceremony.
:'''Audrey''': Josh! You did this?
:'''Josh''': What!? Drake's the one that said: ''[whining]'' &quot;EE-NAY KURESAI M'JOONGA OON-TA-YAH&quot; WHEN THE SUN WAS IN THE HOUSE OF KARFLOG!!
:'''Audurey''': ''[confused]'' What?
:'''Walter''': Alright. We'll just call the Eudonain embassy and we'll have them annll the marriage.
:'''Josh''': I tried. You can't get the marriage enough unless both the husband and wife agree. Don't worry, alright. I'm working on a plan.
:'''Drake''': Oprah is never calling you back!
:'''Josh''': No. ''[opens to the fridge and gets a container out of there and places it on the table]'' Mom, dad, just go out there and keep Yooka's parents busy for a while. ''[Audrey and Walter stare at him]'' Just trust me.
:'''Walter''': Alright, come on. ''[he and Audrey walk away]''

===Mindy's Back===
:'''Mindy''': Oh, Josh. Don't you ever learn that I can outsmart you at anytime I want?
:'''Josh''': Oh, yeah?
:'''Mindy''': Yeah. Say fort.
:'''Josh''': Fort.
:'''Mindy''': Say fort 3 times.
:'''Josh''': Fort, fort, fort.
:'''Mindy''': Spell it twice.
:'''Josh''': F-O-R-T, F-O-R-T.
:'''Mindy''': Say it 2 more times.
:'''Josh''': Fort, fort.
:'''Mindy''': Now, what do you eat soup with?
:'''Josh''': With a fork! Ha!
:'''Mindy''': Really? Because I eat my soup with a spoon.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, cause if you eat soup with a fork, all the liquid would just fall down from the-
:'''Josh''': ''[screaming]'' I KNOW!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mindy''': Maybe I just like you!
:'''Josh''': Maybe I just like you, too!
:'''Mindy''': Oh, really?!
:'''Josh''': Yeah. Maybe I've liked you for a really long time, but I didn't realize it 'cause I hated you so much!
:'''Mindy''': Are you saying you like me or not?
:'''Josh''': Are you saying you like ''me'' or not?!
:'''Mindy''': I'm saying I like you!
:'''Josh''': Well, I'm sayin' I like ''you''!
:'''Mindy''': Fine!
:'''Josh''': Fine!
:'''Mindy''': Then I guess we're boyfriend and girlfriend!
:'''Josh''': 1 condition!
:'''Mindy''': What?
:'''Josh''': I get to be the boyfriend! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:'''Josh''': Hey, Mindy. 
:'''Mindy''': Hi. Um, what are you doing at my window?

===The Affair=== 
:'''Drake''': ''[yells in a bullhorn]'' GET OFF OF ME! ''[Josh gets out]'' Now, what was I right about? 
:'''Josh''': About dad, alright? I think he ''is'' dating another woman. 
:'''Drake''': What happened? 
:'''Josh''': Well, I caught him sneaking in. He was wearing a suit. When I asked him where he'd been, he says: ''[imitates Walter]'' &quot;I was out buyin' milk, but I drank it all on the way home!&quot; 
:'''Drake''': Oh, that's bad! 
:'''Josh''': I know! 
:'''Drake''': I really needed some milk. 
:'''Josh''': ''[slaps Drake with a pillow]'' THIS - IS NOT - ABOUT - YOUR DAIRY - NEEDS!!! 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:''[Walter chokes from cumin from his waffle that Drake put on]''
:'''Josh''': A-Are you okay?
:'''Drake''': What's the matter?
:'''Walter''': ''[choking and suffering]'' Cu-cu-cumin!
:'''Josh''': Cumin!? Cumin!? ''[angrily takes Drake out of the kitchen while Walter chokes]'' YOU PUT CUMIN IN HIS WAFFLE?!
:'''Drake''': You told me to put cumin in his waffle!
:'''Josh''': I said cinnamon. CINNAMON! 
:'''Drake''': What's the difference?
:'''Josh''': Everything! Alright? Cinnamon is sweet and delicious, cumin is a Mexican spice. You were flavoring a waffle, not a CHIMICHANGA!
:'''Drake''': Oh, so I made a little mistake.
:'''Josh''': A HUGE mistake. Alright, Dad's allergic to cumin and he's probably in there dying right now. ''[pause]'' DAD! ''[they run back into the kitchen]'' Dad! Dad, what do I do!? 
:'''Walter''': ''[choking and suffering]'' Inhaler!
:'''Drake''': He said inhaler!
:'''Josh''': ''[mumbles]'' Help me find it! ''[he and Drake find the inhaler in the drawer]'' Here! Here! Dad! ''[puts the inhaler in Walter's mouth]'' Drake, what do I do? ''[Drake hits Walter's chest]'' Are you okay? Is that better?
:'''Walter''': Yeah. Yeah, I think so.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake and Josh both sneak into Peggy's business to leave their father alone]''
:'''Drake''': What's up?
:'''Josh''': Hi.
:'''Peggy''': Hello? Did I order 2 teenagers?
:'''Drake''': No, actually uh, Walter is our dad.
:'''Peggy''': Oh, oh, this is awkward. Um, see I-I really don't think Walter wants you to know what's going on just yet.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, well, we do know what's going on, we're not to happy about it.
:'''Peggy''': Really? Wow, I thought 2 teenager boys would rather find it exciting.
:'''Drake''': Well, we don't so maybe you wouldn't mind you know backing off.
:'''Peggy''': ''[chuckles]'' I don't think so.
:'''Josh''': Why not?
:'''Peggy''': Because I want your dad.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, we know that but-
:'''Peggy''': Granted, I was considering a few other men and 1 woman but there's something about your father that feels right.
:'''Josh''': Well, how nice for you.
:'''Drake''': You know, he's married.
:'''Peggy''': I know. I think this can be great for your mother, too. Look, when I see someone I want, I go after him.
:'''Josh''': Yeah? Well, uh, when we someone we don't like, we do this. ''[dumps Walter's meal on Peggy's face]''
:'''Drake''': And sometimes, we even do this. ''[splats a cake on Peggy's face]''
:'''Walter''': Drake! Josh! What have you done?
:'''Peggy''': Walter, if this is how you raise your children to behave? Then I have no interest for pursuing you any further!
:'''Drake and Josh''': ''[satisfied]'' Yes!
:'''Walter''': Wait, please.
:'''Peggy''': ''[angrily]'' Goodbye, Walter! ''[spits a piece of cake out and leaves because of Drake and Josh's behavior]''
:''[Walter angrily turns around and glares at Drake and Josh when he found them noisy for ruining his date, but he seems to ignore them]''
:'''Josh''': We know you're mad.
:'''Drake''': But we had to do it.
:'''Josh''': We couldn't let that skunk-bag steal you away from mom.
:'''Drake''': And ruin our whole family.
:'''Josh''': But don't worry.
:'''Drake''': We won't tell mom about this whole episode.
:'''Josh''': We got your back!
:'''Walter''': ''[after ignoring Drake and Josh for ruining his date]'' You think I was dating that woman? 
:'''Josh''': Well, uh... 
:'''Drake''': Yeah.
:'''Walter''': Boys, that &quot;skunk-bag&quot; just so happens to be the senior producer of ''Good Morning Today'', and she was talking to me about being the weatherman...on the ''[angrily]'' #1 NATIONAL MORNING SHOW IN AMERICA!
:'''Josh''': Well, that's different.
:'''Drake''': Yeah. We're gonna go.
:'''Josh''': Bye. ''[he and Drake leave but Walter stops them]''
:'''Walter''': No, you're not. You're gonna do something else.
:'''Josh''': Right.
:'''Drake''': No problem.
:'''Josh''': Now? 
:'''Walter''': Uh-huh. 
:''[as retribution for messing up the lunch and costing him the job, Walter makes Drake and Josh dump food on themselves as the episode ends]''

===Playing the Field===
:''[Josh pretends to be Tori while Drake plays as himself]''
:'''Drake''': Alright. Uh, Tori.
:'''Josh''': ''[in a very girly voice]'' What is it, Drake?
:'''Drake''': Okay, I can't do this if he's gonna talk like that.
:'''Josh''': I'm being a girl.
:'''Drake''': What girl has a mustache other than your grandmother?
:'''Josh''': ''[angrily]'' THAT TEARS IT!
:'''Mindy''': ''[stops the fight]'' Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!  Stop it! Alright, just do this.
:'''Drake''': Tori?
:''[Josh hums as Tori]''
:'''Mindy''': Now take your hands.
:'''Drake''': Now, I-I really like you I- ''[Josh hums again]'' But-but I think we have to break up! ''[Josh begins to cry]'' See! I can't handle it!
:'''Mindy''': Just keep going you can handle it.
:'''Drake''': Look I-I just think I should date other people and you should too!
:'''Josh''': ''[in a very girly voice]'' Well, I guess I understand.
:'''Drake''': Uh, just one more thing.
:'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' Yes?
:'''Drake''': SHAVE OFF THE MUSTACHE!
:'''Josh''': ''[angrily]'' OUT! ''[he makes Drake leave]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': Josh, is Tori here?
:'''Josh''': Um, uh, yeah. She's over there with another good-looking guy.
:'''Drake''': Oh good, cause I have a hot date coming here already. ''[stares at Josh's half shaved mustache]'' What happened to the other half of your mustache?
:'''Josh''': I just woke this morning and it's gone.
:'''Drake''': Well, then why don't you shave off the other half?
:'''Josh''': No! Alright, that's just want Mindy wants me to do.
:'''Drake''': Dude, if you shave it off, she will kiss you!
:'''Josh''': Well, there are more important things in life than kissing girls.
:'''Drake''': Name two.
:'''Josh''': I can't!
:'''Drake''': You have to keep your dumb mustache. Come here!
:'''Josh''': What are you doing? 
:'''Drake''': Restashing you! ''[draws a mustache on Josh's face]''
:'''Josh''': Do I look good?
:'''Drake''': Here comes Liza!
:'''Josh''': Hot Liza?
:'''Drake''': The hottest you think she'll make Tori jealous.
:''[Josh mumbles]''
:'''Liza''': Hey Drake!
:'''Drake''': Hey Liza! You know my brother Josh.
:'''Liza''': What's up with him?
:'''Drake''': Come with me! ''[he and Liza leave]''

===Helen's Surgery===
:'''Drake''': ''[while wandering around the room]'' Man, Helen, you got a groove machine? And a hot tub? Man, this place cost you like, a billion dollars.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, how do you afford all this?
:'''Helen''': Is that some of your business?
:'''Drake''': How do you afford it?
:'''Helen''': Well, I'll tell you, Drake. I still get money from ''Happy Times''.
:'''Josh''': ''Happy Times'', wasn't that like a TV show back in the 70s?
:'''Helen''': That's the one.
:'''Drake''': Whoa, you played the little sister on ''Happy Times''?
:'''Helen''': Yes, I was little Georgia.
:'''Drake''': Awesome.
:'''Josh''': So cool.
:'''Helen''': Well you know, I don't like to brag about it you know. You want to watch an episode? The tapes on top of the VCR and Josh you help me get to the sofa. 
:'''Josh''': Alright.
:''[Drake turns on the TV while Josh and Helen sit on the sofa]''
:'''Helen''': Just put it on auxiliary one and press play.
:'''Josh''': Auxiliary one and play.
:''[a clip from Happy Times play when Helen appears on the show as Georgia]''
:'''Mark''': Hey Georgia! Come throw the football with me!
:'''Georgia''': You throw that football in this house, mama's gonna beat you like a cheap drone.
:'''Helen''': ''[voiceover]'' That's me! 
:'''Mark''': Here catch! ''[throws the football and break the flower vase]'' 
:'''Georgia's Mom''': Mark, you go to your room right now!
:'''Mark''': yes ma'am! ''[leaves and gets grounded by their mom]'' 
:'''Georgia's Mom''': And Georgia, you get some paper towels and help me clean this mess up.
:'''Georgia''': That is not my job!
:'''Drake''': That is not my job!
:'''Helen''': Yeah, that was catchphrase!
:'''Josh''': That is not my job!
:'''Helen''': You don't do it right!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Josh''': ''[answers the phone revealing it's Megan]'' Hello?
:'''Megan''': Josh, did you lose something?
:'''Josh''': What do you mean?
:'''Megan''': I found your boss at the park talking to a bush. So I brought her home.
:'''Josh''': Helen's at our house?
:'''Megan''': Yeah. Listen.
:'''Helen''': ''[at Drake and Josh's house]'' One cup that holds soda and popcorn and candy! ''[laughs]'' That's revolutionary!
:'''Megan''': Here that?
:'''Josh''': Just don't let her go anywhere. Alright, I'm coming to get her! ''[hangs up and leaves]''
:'''Gavin''': ''[picks up his pillow]'' Gonna take a nap on the roof. ''[leaves]''

===Paging Dr. Drake===
:'''Megan''': ''[grabs her drink and sees a bug on the wall]'' Mom, there's a bug in the wall.
:'''Audrey''': Josh, go kill the bug.
:'''Josh''': ''[gets up but refuses to kill it after Drake injured his foot]'' Go kill the bug.
:'''Drake''': I don't want to kill a bug.
:'''Walter''': Josh, she asked you to do it. ''[Josh gets an orange and kills the bug as he missed]'' GET UP AND GO SQUISH THAT BUG!
:'''Audrey''': Right now!
:'''Josh''': ''[worried]'' Okay. ''[he gets up and walks with a cane as he tries to kill the bug]''
:'''Audrey''': Okay, what up with the cane?
:'''Josh''': ''[mumbles]'' I use it to kill bugs and whatnot? ''[kills the bug with a cane]'' See? ''[falls down to the floor when he feels his foot accident]''
:'''Walter''': ''[gets up]'' JOSH! ''[he and Audrey walk up to him after he falls to the floor]'' What's the matter with you?
:'''Josh''': I don't know! This house is tilted!
:'''Megan''': No! Josh crushed his foot and he refuses to go to the hospital.
:'''Audrey''': ''[worried]'' You what?
:'''Walter''': Let's get his shoe off. ''[he and Audrey took him to sit on a chair]''
:'''Josh''': Look, d-don't even worry about it, alright. ''[Walter takes off his shoe]'' I'm-I'm sure it's-it's fine, it doesn't really even hurt any- ''[he, Walter, Audrey, and Megan yell at his badly injured left foot after he dropped a barbell on it by Drake, much to his horror]'' MORE!!! 
:'''Audrey''': OH, NO!!!
:'''Walter''': AH!!! JOSH!!!
:'''Megan''': Cool!
:''[they look at Josh's injured foot which has black marks from Drake's accident]''
:'''Drake''': Looks like mom's meatloaf! ''[his parents stare at him]'' Which tastes so good.
:'''Audrey''': How did this happened?
:'''Drake''': He dropped a barbell on it.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, after you shot me with a potato.
:'''Audrey''': A potato?
:'''Drake''': It's a long story.
:'''Walter''': ''[curious]'' Why didn't you tell us about this?
:'''Josh''': ''[worried]'' 'Cause I'm afraid of hospitals, alright?
:'''Walter''': Oh, come on!
:'''Audrey''': Do you know how serious this could be?
:'''Walter''': ''[after discovering Josh's foot]'' You could lose that foot!
:'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' But I love this foot!
:'''Audrey''': Come on, we need to get him to the hospital right now.
:''[as Drake leaves, Audrey and Walter help Josh to get to the hospital]''
:'''Megan''': If they have to remove this foot, can I have it?
:'''Walter and Audrey''': No!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Walter''': Pardon me, nurse.
:'''Nurse''': Yes?
:'''Walter''': Could you tell me what time my son's surgery is suppose to start? His name is Josh Nichols.
:'''Nurse''': Oh, I'm sorry. He passed away.
:'''Walter''': What?
:'''Nurse''': Oh, wait. ''Josh Nichols''. His surgery doesn't start for a couple hours.
:'''Walter''': Thanks.
:'''Nurse''': Sure. ''[she walks away]'' 

===Foam Finger===
:''[flashback #1: in Josh's recollection]''
:'''Little Josh''': Hey!
:'''Little Drake''': Hey.
:'''Little Josh''': I'm Josh, what's your name?
:'''Little Drake''': Drake.
:'''Little Josh''': I'm gonna buy a foam finger.
:'''Little Drake''': Um, could you not talk to me?
:'''Little Josh''': Ha-ha! You're funny. Wanna be friends?
:'''Little Drake''': If I say yes, will you stop talking to me?
:'''Little Josh''': Um, pardon me, but I think you're next in line.
:'''Little Drake''': Yeah, I know. Hey girls? Why don't you cut in you can all buy foam fingers.
:''[A group of little girls whoop while cutting and get in line to buy all the foam fingers]''
:'''Little Josh''': Hey, no cutsies! Um, I was in line! ''[the little girls leave after buying almost all of the foam fingers]'' Ladies!
:'''Little Drake''': Got any foam fingers left?
:'''Lenny''': Just one.
:'''Little Drake''': ''[satisfied]'' Good. I'll buy it. So he can't have it!
:'''Little Josh''': Heh!?
:'''Lenny''': Here you go, the last foam finger.
:'''Little Drake''': ''[satisfied]'' Ha-ha! I got the last foam finger!
:'''Little Josh''': Daddy! ''[little Drake hits him]'' You thumped me!
:'''Little Drake''': Did not.
:'''Little Josh''': Daddy!
:''[Little Drake tackles Little Josh, causing a fight for the last foam finger]''
:'''Lenny''': Cops! Cops!
:''[they continue fighting until the cops show up as Josh's recollection ends]''
:'''Josh''': And then the cops had to come break it up!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[flashback #2: in Drake's recollection]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Drake''': Cause I'm #1! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:'''Josh''': What up with the cans? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[flashback #3: in Lenny's recollection]''
:'''Lenny''': The Padres were playing against the Giants, and I was selling foam fingers, it was late in the afternoon, these two boys get in line at the concession stand...
:'''Audrey''': Okay, Drake, here's some money, you get yourself a souvenir.
:'''Little Drake''': Thanks, mom.
:'''Audrey''': Megan! Are you hungry?
:'''Little Megan''': Yeah!
:'''Audrey''': Yes! You can have a cookie.
:'''Little Megan''': I am hungry!
:'''Audrey''': Take the cookie!
:'''Little Josh''': Hey.
:'''Little Drake''': Hey.
:'''Little Josh''': I'm Josh.
:'''Little Drake''': Drake.
:'''Little Josh''': I'm gonna buy a foam finger.
:'''Little Drake''': Me too.
:'''Little Josh''': Cool.
:'''Lenny''': Next in line.
:'''Little Josh:''' Hey, you're up.
:''[two little girls walk up behind the boys]''
:'''Little Girl''': Hi, is it okay if we cut in front of you?
:'''Little Drake''': Cool with you?
:'''Little Josh''': Sure.
:'''Little Drake''': Go ahead.
:'''Little Josh''': You know, my dad's a weatherman.
:'''Little Drake''': My mom loves weathermen.
:'''Little Girl''': Thanks. Bye. ''[She and the other little girl leave]''
:'''Little Drake''': One foam finger, please.
:'''Lenny''': O... kay, it looks like you got the last one.
:'''Little Josh''': Aw, that's the last foam finger?
:'''Little Drake''': I'm really sorry.
:'''Little Josh''': Daddy! ''[little Megan throws the cookie at Josh's head]'' Aaah! You thumped me.
:'''Little Drake''': No, I didn't.
:''[they both start fighting again for the last foam finger]''
:'''Lenny''': Cops! Cops!
:''[they continue fighting until the cops show up as Lenny's recollection ends]''
:'''Josh''': So... it was Megan who started the fight.
:'''Lenny''': That's right. She threw the cookie.
:'''Megan''': Wow. I was even cool then! 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:'''Drake''' I wonder what it's gonna be like when we're 80. 
:'''Josh''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah. 
:''[They imagine themselves as 80-year-olds, all old and cranky]'' 
:'''Elderly Josh''': I am starving. ''[blows on his in-haller; an elderly Megan comes to bring them their bowls of food]'' Starving! 
:'''Elderly Drake''': Yeah, where's Megan with our dinna? 
:'''Both''': Megaaaaan! 
:'''Elderly Megan''': I'm comin', I'm comin'! Drake, here's your oatmeal. Josh, here's your cream of wheat. ''[gives them their bowls]'' Boobs! ''[walks away]'' 
:'''Elderly Josh''': Wait! Wait-wait, I wanted the oatmeal. 
:'''Elderly Drake''':  No, you asked for the cream of wheat. 
:'''Elderly Josh''': You gimme that oatmeal! 
:''' Elderly Drake''': Over my dead body! 
:'''Elderly Josh''': Fine! I can wait 5 minutes. 
:'''Elderly Drake''': That's it! I'm eatin' on the other side of the room. ''[gets up]'' 
:'''Elderly Josh''': Well, who needs ya? ''[gets up cracking his back, as Megan secretly throws a cookie at him and quickly escapes]'' You threw somethin' at me! 
:'''Elderly Drake''': That's a lie!  
:'''Elderly Josh''': It is on!  
:'''Elderly Drake''': Oh, it's on! 
:'''Elderly Josh''': It's go time! 
:'''Elderly Drake''': I'll show you go time!  
:'''Elderly Josh''': I am comin' at you, fastest lighting!  
:''[both fight until they fall asleep on the couch as the episode ends]''

===Girl Power===
:'''Drake''': You know what I love about you?
:'''Lucy''': And what do you love about me?
:'''Drake''': You're always in a great mood. Man, I can't believe I even thought about dumping you.
:'''Lucy''': Huh?
:'''Drake''': Oh, oh, nothing, it's stupid.
:'''Lucy''': Oh, tell me.
:'''Drake''': Well, it's just you know. Okay, to be totally honest, you know I-I got kind of freaked out about the other night.
:'''Lucy''': What, the thing with the football player?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, you know I was thinking how could I date a girl who's tougher than me? But Josh told me I was just being dumb.
:'''Lucy''': Yeah. So now you're cool with it?
:'''Drake''': Cool with what?
:'''Lucy''': Dating a girl that's tougher than you.
:'''Drake''': Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay you are not tougher than me, that football player just caught me off guard.
:'''Lucy''': ''[laughing]'' Okay, whatever you say.
:'''Drake''': You think you're tougher than me.
:'''Lucy''': Kinda.
:''[Drake and Lucy both get together in an arm wrestling contest]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:'''Lucy''': Woops. 
:'''Drake''': Not bad. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake and Lucy continue their wrestling match downstairs, ruining Josh and Mindy's dinner as the Megan and the kids cheer]''
:'''Josh''': ''[incredibly furious after making Drake stop fighting]'' IT'S A DRAW!
:'''Mindy's Dad''': Josh, who are these people?
:'''Josh''': Uh, this is my brother Drake. Drake, this is-
:'''Mindy's Mom''': He's your brother?
:'''Mindy's Dad''': I knew it! I knew these were not the kind of people our daughter should be associating with. Mindy, we're going!
:'''Mindy''': Dad, mom, wait!
:'''Josh''': ''[incredibly furious]'' You see what you do? 1 night. 1 night, I ask you to help me and you ruin it!
:'''Drake''': Josh.
:'''Josh''': ''[incredibly furious]'' Look, I-I told you how important this was to me. I told you that this was my last chance to impress Mindy's parents. I-I spent like 2 days working on this dinner and I spent like 300 bucks on a dumb harpist, who at this point, SHOULD STOP PLAYING! ''[the harpist stops playing]'' And I don't even care what you think of Mindy, alright? Because she is the best thing that ever happened to me and I can't date her anymore because you wrecked it! Alright, y-y-you you wrecked my dinner, you wrecked my $100 ice sculpture, and you wrecked my relationship!
:'''Drake''': Y-You spent $100 on ice? ''[Josh attacks him and begins to fight with him, until Lucy stops them]''
:'''Lucy''': Stop!
:'''Mindy's Dad''': Listen, Josh! I think… that you and Mindy should continue dating.
:'''Josh''': For real?
:'''Mindy''': Why'd you changed your mind?
:'''Mindy's Mom''': Because any young man who cares that cares about that much our Mindy. I think you understand.
:'''Josh''': Thank you so much, Mr. &amp; Mrs. Crenshaw.
:'''Mindy's Dad''': Just 1 thing.
:'''Josh''': Yes, sir?
:'''Mindy's Dad''': What were you 2 fighting about?
:'''Lucy''': Oh, see, I challenged him to a wrestling match because he didn't believe that I was tougher than him.
:'''Mindy's Dad''': Well, of course you're not. ''[chuckles]'' 
:'''Lucy''': Huh?
:'''Mindy's Dad''': Physically, boys are genetically superior to girls.
:'''Drake''': Ah, thank you.
:'''Mindy's Mom''': Oh, Paul, you sound like an idiot.
:'''Mindy''': You tell him, mom.
:'''Mindy's Mom''': You know, fighting has to do with skill, not male-vs-female genetics.
:'''Mindy's Dad''': Oh, don't be absurd. Men are tougher than women.
:'''Mindy's Mom''': Oh, I have stakes tougher than you.
:'''Megan''': Well, I guess there's only 2 way to settle this.
:'''Boy''': FIGHT!
:''[Mindy's parents get into a fight as the episode ends]''

===Sheep Thrills===
:''[Drake and Josh find a sheep in the garage during the middle of the night]''
:'''Josh''': What up with the sheep?
:'''Megan''': ''[comes in the garage]'' Why are you guys in the garage? Did you hurt my sheep?
:'''Drake''': This thing's yours?
:'''Megan''': Yes, he's mine. Are you okay Baaahhb?
:'''Josh''': His name is Bob?
:'''Megan''': No, he's a sheep, his name is Baaahhb!
:'''Drake''': It's not Bob, it's Baaahhb. ''[Josh stares at him]''
:'''Josh''': Yes, I get it. Here's a crazy question, where'd you get a sheep?
:'''Megan''': I bought him on the internet.
:'''Josh''': Oh excuse me for not being familiar with the sheepstore.com.
:'''Drake''': I thought mom and dad said you can't have a pet.
:'''Megan''': No, they said I couldn't have a cat. They said nothing about a sheep.
:'''Josh''': Well when mom and dad find Baaahhb, you're going to be in some big time trouble little girl.
:'''Megan''': No, they're not gonna find it because you two are gonna hide them in your room.
:'''Josh''': Oh really.
:'''Drake''': And what makes you think we're gonna do that?
:'''Megan''': Well, if you two hide him, just till I figure out a way to explain to mom and dad.
:'''Josh''': Yeah.
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Megan''': I promise not to pull any pranks on you for 3 months.
:''[Drake and Josh both gasp]''
:'''Josh''': For real?
:'''Drake''': You swear.
:'''Megan''': Swear.
:'''Josh''': Think about it.
:'''Drake''': A world where Megan doesn't do bad things to us.
:''[Drake and Josh both have a dream set at a garden where Megan happily throws flowers at them and dance together]''
:'''Drake and Josh''': We'll do it.
:'''Megan''': Excellent.
:'''Drake''': But just for a few days.
:'''Megan''': That's all I need. Now you take Baaahhb up to your room and make him comfortable. ''[she gives her pet sheep to Drake and Josh]'' And uh, be sure he has plenty of water. Night! ''[leaves the garage]''
:'''Josh''': Alright, we should take Bob up to our-
:'''Drake''': It's Baaahhb!
:''[Josh sprays on Drake's face to make him hush]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:'''Dr. Glazer''': But you told me your father fell down the stairs again. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake and Josh feel tried and go upstairs as they bring Baaahhb up to their room when they tried to avoid showing it to Audrey and Walter]''
:'''Josh''': ''[tried]'' Oh, we did it.
:'''Drake''': ''[tried, picks up the lamb]'' Yeah.
:'''Josh''': ''[tried]'' Yeah, come on. Come on. Alright. Now. Uh, you... ''[now awake]'' You stay here with the baby and Baaahhb. I'm gonna go downstairs and make sure mom and dad aren’t suspicious. ''[he opens the door and screams at Audrey and Walter who feels suspicious, much to his horror, he closes the door in front of them and runs up to Drake as he feels shocked]'' THEY'RE SUSPICIOUS!
:''[Audrey and Walter come inside Drake and Josh's room and find two sheep in their room thinking they had cause all the trouble they've done]''
:'''Audrey''': Well, we came up here to ask why you guys are acting so strange tonight.
:'''Walter''': But, uh, maybe a better question would be: Um, why do you have two sheep in your room?
:'''Josh''': Like technically, a little one is called a lamb.
:'''Walter''': Josh.
:'''Drake''': You, alright, this is all Megan's fault!
:'''Audrey''': Here we go again.
:'''Josh''': No, it is. Oh, go, okay, she bought the big one online.
:'''Drake''': And then it gave birth on my bed.
:'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' No, I'm really upset!
:'''Walter''': Ok. So you want us to believe that a sweet little 11-year-old girl somehow managed to go on the internet and buy herself a pregnant sheep.
:'''Josh''': It does sound unlikely.
:'''Drake''': It's true!
:'''Josh''': It's true!
:'''Megan''': ''[comes home from oboe practice and goes inside Drake and Josh's room]'' Hey, what's going on?
:'''Drake''': Ha! Now she could tell you herself.
:'''Josh''': Yeah. You put down your oboe and tell them what they did!
:'''Megan''': What are you guys talking-? ''[sees a sheep in Drake and Josh's room and drops her oboe]'' Wow! A sheep! How cute! ''[gives a sheep a hug]'' Oh. Where'd you guys get him?
:''[Audrey and Walter stare at Drake and Josh as Megan pretends to not know about the sheep]''
:'''Josh''': ''[worried]'' What? You got-you-you know good and well.
:'''Drake''': How long are we grounded?
:'''Audrey''': A month.
:'''Josh''': Fair enough.
:''[Audrey and Walter are both satisfied that Drake and Josh are both grounded for one month, the lamb baas whiles Megan hugs a sheep]''

===Megan's New Teacher===
:'''Josh''': Good morning class. My name is Mr. Nichols. Now, today we're going to be learning about the atom.
:'''Adam''': Oh! My names Adam.
:'''Josh''': No, I mean we'll be learning about molecular bonding. Now, I'm going to be teaching you guys all kinds of cool stuff about chemistry. So, you're going to need these special textbooks.
:'''Katie''': Advanced molecular theory?
:'''Adam''': ''[while having a college textbook on his desk]'' Oh, this is a college textbook!
:'''Josh''': I know
:'''Megan''': Yo, boob.
:'''Josh''': Excuse me, Megan, I'm your teacher!
:'''Megan''': Sorry, Mr. Boob. This stuff is way to hard for us.
:''[Megan's class mumble]''
:'''Josh''': Sh! Alright, look, I believe that kids are way more capable then your giving credit for.
:'''Boy''': Kevin's eating glue!
:'''Josh''': ''[takes the glue away from Kevin]'' Don't you know your not supposed to eat glue!? ''[Kevin mumbles with his mouth full of glue]'' Look, I just think that young people need to be challenged and I'm Mr. Challenge!
:'''Katie''': You said you're Mr. Nichols!
:'''Adam''': I thought he is Mr. Boob!
:''[Megan's class laugh]'' 
:'''Josh''': Hey, watch it. Alright, I can be quick with the timeouts! Just saying!
:'''Katie''': That guy's your brother?
:'''Megan''': Yeah.
:'''Katie''': I'm so sorry.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Josh''': ''[with German accent]'' Alright, I am a very famous person. Who am I?
:'''Katie''': A hobo?
:'''Josh''': No. Hobos aren't famous. Now, here's the hint. I am a famous scientist.
:'''Neil''': Harry Potter.
:'''Josh''': No. Harry Potter is a wizard. Think. I am a ''German'' scientist.
:'''Adam''': A hobo!
:'''Josh''': ''[in his normal accent]'' Dude, I'm Albert Einstein! You should know this from your homework last night.
:'''Megan''': I told you, we weren't doing it.
:'''Josh''': Wait a minute. None of you did your homework?
:'''Katie''': I tried to, but I couldn't figure it out, so I asked my mom to help me.
:'''Josh''': And?
:'''Katie''': She couldn't figure it out, either. So, she asked my dad, and then he got mad and went to a motel.
:'''Josh''': Well, then I guess I'm going to have to give you all a pop quiz.
:''[Megan's class mumble]''
:'''Megan''': Yo, Einstein. If you give us a quiz on homework we didn't do, we're gonna fail!
:'''Josh''': You shouldn't thought of that when you weren't doing your homework.
:'''Katie''': Your brother is getting on my nerves.
:'''Adam''': Yeah, he's bugging me too.
:'''Megan''': It's not my fault.
:'''Ms. Hunter''': ''[comes in]'' Alright children- Oh no! Security! We've got another hobo in the classroom!
:''[the security guard sprays Josh's face]''
:'''Josh''': I'm not a hobo! STAND DOWN!

===Little Sibling===
:'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Good morning, adulessons. Please take your seats. Taylor, take off your headphones or I will sell them on the internet. ''[looks at the empty seat]'' We have an empty seat, who's not here?
:'''Becca''': ''[runs up to Mrs. Hayfer]'' Mrs. Hayfer, the lunch ladies are fighting again.
:'''Mrs. Hayfer''': What is it about sloppy joe day that makes those women so violent? ''[as she leaves]'' Helga? Helga?!
:'''Josh''': So what are the lunch ladies fighting about?
:'''Becca''': Oh, they're not fighting.
:'''Josh''': Why'd you tell Mrs. Hayfer they were fighting?
:'''Drake''': ''[walks in]'' Thank you, Becca.
:'''Josh''': Of course.
:'''Drake''': And how could I ever repay you?
:'''Becca''': I think you can guess. ''[Drake and Becca kiss on the lips]'' Let me know if you need more help.
:'''Drake''': Let me know if you need more Drake. ''[Becca walks away]'' Oh, and Josh, you left your ointment at home.
:'''Josh''': Is nothing personal?
:'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Well, the lunch ladies were not fighting and I don't know why those girls called- ''[sees Drake sitting down]'' Drake Parker, were you here when I left?
:'''Drake''': Oh, oh, yeah, totally. You probably didn't see me because I had my face buried in this book.
:'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Are you lying to me Drake?
:'''Drake''': Would I lie to you?
:'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Let me think, yes. But I know someone who never lies. ''[walks over to Josh]'' Josh? Was Drake on time to my class today?
:'''Josh''': Um, you know, what is time? When you think about it because Einstein theorized that time actually-
:'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Josh! 
:'''Josh''': ''[whines]'' No, he wasn't here on time.
:'''Drake''': Josh!
:'''Josh''': ''[whines]'' Tell that girl to come in here so you'd have to leave so he could to sneak into class. I'm sorry, I can't lie. If you murder me in my sleep tonight I'd appreciate you doing it in a way that's not painful. ''[whines]'' IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK? ''[ends up getting a scary emotion]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[comes in The Premiere and finds Drake and Josh with Sammy]'' Very, very, interesting.
:'''Drake''': Mrs. Hayfer, what are you doing out in public?
:'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Apparently, watching you, fail miserably. Josh, would you take Sammy to the nurse for a moment?
:'''Josh''': There's no nurse here-
:'''Mrs. Hayfer''': TO THE NURSE!
:'''Josh''': Come on, Sammy! ''[he and Sammy run off]''
:'''Drake''': Mrs. Hayfer, I can explain.
:'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Drake, we had a deal. You stay out of remedial English as long as your Sammy's big sibling but if Sammy prefers Josh, well I think we know what will happen to you.
:''[Drake has a second dream sequence in Remedial English with lack of discipline that includes poorly behaved students and a vicious dog named Cuddles that's controlled by a mean teen]''
:'''Mr. Talbot''': ''[in Drake's dream; with his hands and feet tied-up]'' WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE CALL THE POLICE!
:''[2 Gothic love starved Bartleby sisters try to kiss Drake as Drake's second dream ends]''
:'''Drake''': Okay, okay, just give me one day and I promise Sammy will love me.
:'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Make sure it happens. ''[walks away but stops for a little bit to talk to Drake]'' Oh, and Drake. Guess what?
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[satisfied]'' I hate you.
:'''Drake''': ''[worried]'' I know.

===Theater Thug===
:''[Megan and Josh enters Drake and Josh's room]''
:'''Megan''': I so don't want to do this! 
:'''Josh''': Come on! Just work with me for ten minutes! 
:'''Drake''': What are you guys doing? 
:'''Megan''': He wants me to help him rehearse his lines for FBI's Most Wanted. 
:'''Drake''': ''[to Josh]'' Dude, you are taking this acting thing way too seriously! 
:'''Josh''': I just want to be good, alright? 
:'''Drake''': It's acting, you show up, you say some stuff, you go home, anyone could do it. 
:'''Josh''': Okay Megan, when I walk through the door, just react naturally to what I say. ''[he leaves the room]'' Megan, you ready? 
:'''Megan''': Wait, let me go over my line. ''[looks at her script]'' What? Okay, I'm ready! 
:'''Josh''': Drake, yell action! 
:'''Drake''': ''[unenthusiastically, while playing some notes on his guitar]'' Action. 
:'''Josh''': ''[walks through the door]'' Where's the money? 
:'''Megan''': What? 
:'''Josh''': Where's the money? You give me the money, I ain't playing! ''[Megan giggles]'' Oh come on! You can't giggle! 
:'''Megan''': You said to react naturally. You tried to act tough so naturally I laughed.
:'''Josh''': Okay, don't react naturally, act the way you would if I was a big scary robber. ''[leaves the room]'' Drake! 
:'''Drake''': ''[unenthusiastically, while playing some notes on his guitar]'' Action. 
:'''Josh''': ''[walks through the door]'' Where's the money? 
:'''Megan''': What? 
:'''Josh''': Where's the money? You give me the money, I ain't playing! 
:'''Megan''': There's a cop behind you. 
:'''Josh''': ''[turns around]'' What cop? ''[Megan pushes him through the door and locks it]'' Megan! Open this door! Alright, fine! I'll just bust it down! ''[tries to get in, but he falls to the floor]'' Never mind...
:''[Drake and Megan laugh]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': Come on.
:'''Josh''': I feel like an idiot.
:'''Drake''': You look fine.
:'''Josh''': ''[he walks out, wearing a hippie disguise]'' I look so stupid.
:'''Drake''': So, at least you're not gettin' beat up or arrested.
:'''Josh''': I guess. What it ease? People are staring at me.
:'''Drake''': So, just ignore 'em. at least it's working.
:'''Man''': Hey, it's the Theater Thug!
:'''Josh''': No, no, no!
:'''Man''': And he's wearing a hippie disguise!
:'''Josh''': No, no! See, my name is Antoine. How are you...
:'''Old Lady''': Don't let him get away!
:'''Josh''': ''[being crowded]'' I'm--no, I'm not the guy! hey, It's not me! I'm... ''[whistles blows]'' Wait, wait! ''[dragged by the police]'' I'm not the guy! You've got the--No! ''[sputtering]'' I'm not--I'm not the guy! No! tell him I'm not the guy! He went that way! He went--''[dragged by the police again]'' I'm not the guy!

===The Demonator===
:''[Drake and Josh get ready to ride The Demonator as they leave the house]''
:'''Josh''': Hi, parents.
:'''Drake''': Bye, parents.
:'''Walter''': ''[stops the boys from leaving]'' Woah, woah, woah, woah. Where do you boys think you're going?
:'''Drake''': Uh, to make history.
:'''Josh''': We're going to ride The Demonator.
:'''Audrey''': No, you promised that you'd stay here and watch Papa Nichols.
:'''Drake''': Ugh, fine. Here, come on, he can come with us. Come on, Josh, grab his feet.
:'''Josh''': Why do I always have to grab the feet?
:''[Drake lifts Papa Nichols' shoulders while Josh lifts his feet]''
:'''Walter''': Guys, you can't take your great-grandfather to ride The Demonator.
:'''Josh''': Sure we can.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, you only have to be this tall. ''[he puts his hand about yay high]''
:'''Walter''': The man just had surgery, and he's heavily medicated.
:'''Drake''': Oh, come on, he fought in World War II.
:'''Josh''': The Demonator is nothing for a man who's seen combat!
:'''Audrey''': Okay, listen to my words. You boys are going to stay here and take care of Papa Nichols, are we clear?
:'''Josh''': Yes.
:'''Drake''': Fine.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[while Drake, Josh, and Megan are out riding the Demonator, Craig and Eric are at home watching Papa Nichols]''
:'''Craig''': Drake said he'd be asleep all night.
:'''Papa Nichols''': ''[wakes up]'' Oh, where am I? What's happened?
:'''Eric''': He's disoriented.
:'''Papa Nichols''': What did you call me?
:'''Eric''': Oh. Uh, nothing, sir. I was just uhh...
:'''Papa Nichols''': What have you done with the rest of my unit?
:'''Craig''': What does he mean, his unit?
:''[Papa Nichols picks up his slipper]''
:'''Eric''': I guess he thinks he's back in World War II.
:'''Papa Nichols''': ''[uses his slipper as a walkie-talkie]'' General Patton, sir. It's Sergeant Nichols. I've just been captured by two German nerds!
:'''Eric''': Oh. No, no, sir. We're not Germans.
:'''Papa Nichols''': That's just what a German would say!
:'''Eric''': No, no, no. You don't understand...
:'''Papa Nichols''': No, no. You will not capture me. ''[bonks Eric in the head]'' Ever!
:'''Craig''': Eric!
:'''Papa Nichols''': ''[mumbling]'' Get outta here! ''[Craig screams as Papa Nichols throws him over the couch]'' USA! USA! USA! ''[starts running off]'' USA! USA! USA! USA!
:''[after Papa Nichols leaves, Craig and Eric are sitting on the floor feeling themselves in pain]'' 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:'''Walter''': Papa Nicholas. Papa Nicholas. Wake up. It's time to- 
:'''Papa Nicholas''': AH! ''[punches Walter, knocking him out; laughs]'' Nice try, German! USA! USA! USA! USA!

===Alien Invasion===
:''[Drake turns on the radio while Josh is doing homework]''
:'''Josh''': Hey! Hey!
:'''Drake''': Oh, hey. Want some sandwich?
:'''Josh''': No! I'm trying to do my homework. Could you turn that off?!
:'''Drake''': ''[takes out his guitar and starts singing in blues]'' Oh cranky Josh, he is getting so cranky, so very cranky. ''[Josh brakes his pencil]'' And now he brakes things. Somebody could call to the pencil repayment.
:'''Josh''': DUDE!!! Would you please stop that improvisation of blues tune? Don't you have homework to do?
:'''Drake''': My homework's already been taken care of. ''[gives his note to Josh]''
:'''Josh''': ''[reading Drake fake doctor's note]'' Please excuse Drake from his homework. He twisted his liver and is unable to read, write, or bathe. Yours truly, the doctor.
:'''Drake''': Wrote it myself!
:'''Josh''': Shouldn't the doctor have a name?
:'''Drake''': Oh, yes. Here, gimme that. Bob! &quot;Bob, the Doctor&quot;. Yeah?
:'''Josh''': Oh yeah, yeah! That is perfect!
:'''Drake''': Cool!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Josh''': Hey, she out there?
:'''Drake''': Yep, she keeps looking up in the sky wondering where the aliens are.
:'''Josh''': Perfect, alright. Come here, now this is the ham radio.
:'''Drake''': Mmm, ham radio.
:'''Josh''': Now we just talk into this mic and we sound like aliens.
:'''Drake''': Oh cool gimme it. Bonjour Si' te plait. ''[Josh takes the mic]''
:'''Josh''': We're supposed to sound like we're from outer space, NOT PARIS!
:'''Drake''': You know there's a way to correct people nicely. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:'''Megan''': Hello? Hello? Who's out there? Hello? ''[hears alien nosies]'' Who said that? ''[Drake and Josh, disguised as aliens, comes through the fence gate towards her]'' Leave me alone! You'd better not eat my face! Stay away! ''[falls backwards; screams]'' What are you doing? ''[the &quot;aliens&quot; pause]'' What are you gonna do? 
:'''Drake and Josh''': ''[exchange looks]'' Dance. ''[dance in victory]'' Gotcha! ''[chest bump]'' 
:'''Megan''': What? ''[D&amp;J take off their masks]'' Drake, Josh!?

===Dr. Phyllis Show===
:''[Megan comes in Drake and Josh's room while Drake and Josh are still arguing together]''
:'''Megan''': Hey! Hey! HEY!
:'''Josh''': What?
:'''Megan''': It is 11:45 PM and I am a little girl. Little girls are suppose to be asleep by 11:45 PM. Now, this is the third night in a row that you clowns kept me up in a fight. ''[Drake and Josh began fighting]'' HEY! Here! ''[gives Drake and Josh tickets]''
:'''Josh''': What are these?
:'''Megan''': Tickets to the ''Dr. Phyllis Show''. You guys are both going tomorrow after school. The topic is Bickering Brothers. Now, I'm going to go back to sleep and I don't want to hear another sound from this room. ''[leaves Drake and Josh's room]'' 
:'''Drake''': I'm not going on her show. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[after all of Drake and Josh's flashbacks from the previous episodes we're shown]''
:'''Dr. Phyllis''': Unbelievable!
:'''Drake and Josh''': I know.
:'''Dr. Phyllis''': Bickering is one thing, but you two should be ashamed of yourselves for allowing it to escalate to physical confutations.  
:'''Josh''': No! I will not share the blame here. I am the victim of this relationship.
:'''Drake''': How are you the victim?
:'''Josh''': You always take advantage of me.
:'''Drake''': Ha!
:'''Dr. Phyllis''': Drake, come on honestly. Do you ever take advantage of Josh just a little bit?
:'''Josh''': Well, but not just me. He takes advantage of everyone.
:'''Drake''': Oh, name one time.
:'''Josh''': Okay, uhh. That girl Liza.
:'''Drake''': Hot Liza?
:'''Josh''': Yeah, you totally dated her just to get your old girlfriend back.
:'''Drake''': That's an exasperation!
:'''Josh''': Exaggeration, read a book, would ya!? 
:'''Drake''': No!
:'''Dr. Phyllis''': Josh, tell me a little bit more about Drake and this girl hot Liza.
:'''Josh''': I'm glad, too. See, Drake could have just broken up with this girl Tori. But he wanted her back. So, he thought to make her jealous by making out with this hot girl Liza.
:'''Dr. Phyliss''': Drake, is this story true?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, but I totally learned my lesson. Let me tell ya, Liza Tupper, worst kisser ever!
:'''Josh''': I have heard that.
:'''Dr. Phyllis''': Liza Tupper?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, and she's not the smartest won-ton on the poo-poo platter either if you know what I'm saying!
:'''Dr. Phyllis''': You're saying she's dumb?
:'''Drake''': And a bad kisser!
:'''Dr. Phyllis''': ''[anger rising]'' Liza Tupper happens to be my daughter!
:'''Drake''': ''[gets up]'' Oh, this is awkward.
:''[Dr. Phyllis gets up and gets mad at Drake as she attacks him, then attacks Josh when he tries to stop her]'' 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:'''Drake''': Alright, a toast, to the best brother I've ever had. 
:'''Josh''': Back at ya, brother.

==External links==

{{wikipedia|Drake &amp; Josh}}

[[Category:Drake &amp; Josh seasons]]
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3153793</id>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-12T02:47:32Z</timestamp>
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      <text bytes="51997" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 1|1]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 2|2]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 3|3]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 4|4]] | [[Drake &amp; Josh|Main]]
----
'''''[[w:Drake &amp; Josh|Drake &amp; Josh]]''''' is an American television sitcom created by Dan Schneider for Nickelodeon. The series follows the lives of two teenage boys with opposite personalities, Drake Parker (Drake Bell) and Josh Nichols (Josh Peck), who are stepbrothers.

===The Drake &amp; Josh Inn===
:''[Drake and Josh hop up from behind the couch and sit on either side of Megan, smiling]''
:'''Megan''': What?
:'''Drake''': ''[singing]'' ''We're gonna be the boss of you''
:'''Josh''': ''[singing]'' ''And you have to do-oo what we say''
:'''Drake''': ''[singing]'' ''Ha ha!''
:'''Josh''': ''[singing]'' ''Ha-ha ha haa!''
:'''Megan''': Okay, you, can't sing. You're a moron. And what are you talking about anyway?
:'''Drake''': We're talking about the fact that Mom and Dad are gonna be out of town ''all'' weekend.
:'''Josh''': Which means we are in charge of the house.
:'''Drake''': The refrigerator.
:'''Josh''': The TV set.
:'''Drake''': And, the you.
:'''Megan''': Oh, you guys think you're going to be in charge?
:'''Josh''': Yeah, we are.
:'''Drake''': In fact, I've decided to change the channel. ''[changes the channel on TV]''
:'''Megan''': I was watching something.
:'''Josh''': Um. Were.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, good one. ''[he and Josh fist pump]''
:'''Megan''': ''[stands up]'' GIVE ME THE REMOTE.
:'''Drake''': ''[stands up]'' I don't think so, Megan. In fact, why don't you just run up to your- ''[Megan flips him]''
:'''Josh''': ''[stands up]'' What the? Megan, you can't just flip someone- ''[Megan flips him and sits on the couch with the remote]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Josh turns off the radio and honks at everyone]''
:'''Nikki''': Hey, what's going on?
:'''College Guy''': Turn the music back up!
:'''Drake''': Everyone, quiet, please!
:'''Josh''': Okay, we have an emergency!
:'''Drake''': Ah, yes, it seems we have a serious gas leak here in the Drake and Josh Inn!
:'''College Guy''': Oh, uh, sorry, I think that was me.
:'''Josh''': No! Alright, there is a serious leak of hydro... mono... monoxipuff gas!
:'''Drake''': Uh, yeah, it makes your eyes bleed!
:'''Josh''': So if everyone will please leave the building immediately-
:'''Helen''': I don't believe 'em!
:'''Nikki''': Yeah! Come on, let's party!
:''[everyone starts dancing again]''
:'''Drake''': ''[to Megan, through a walkie talkie]'' Now!
:'''Megan''': ''[in Drake and Josh's room]'' Copy! ''[turns on a gas machine linked to the vent in Drake and Josh's room as green gas begins emanating from the vent in the living room to kick out all of the spring breakers]''
:'''Josh''': Oh, no! Look! ''[points to the vent]''
:'''Drake''': It's the monoxipuff gas!
:''[everyone starts screaming and leaves the house when Megan pranks them with the monoxipuff gas from Drake and Josh's room]''
:'''Josh''': Now, lock it! Now, hug me, brother! ''[he and Drake hug themselves after everyone leaves the house]'' 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:''[cops arrive after hearing about how the Nicholas-Parkers' house was having a party with college kids on TV]'' 
:'''Walter''': Yes, officers, can we help you? 
:'''Cop''': Yes. Sir, you know it's against the law to host a televised event from a private residence without a city authorized permit. 
:'''Walter''': Heh? 
:'''Audrey''': We didn't host a televised event. 
:'''Cop''': Yeah, we have evidence that says you did. 
:'''Walter''': But, officers- 
:'''Cop''': D, please. ''[they grab Walter and Audrey]'' 
:'''Audrey''': No, what're you-? 
:'''Walter''': But, you see, look- I'm a weatherman. ''[cop shuts the door]''

===Peruvian Puff Pepper===
:''[Drake and Josh dress up as burglars and are sneak inside Megan's room]''
:'''Josh''': Okay, now, look around, find some evidence that proves that she's a demon and then let's get out of here!
:'''Drake''': Yeah, this place gives me the skives.
:'''Josh''': ''[looks under the Megan's bed]'' Did you see anything?
:'''Drake''': No, look under the bed.
:'''Josh''': Okay. Find any over there?
:'''Drake''': Wait, Josh, Josh come here! ''[picks up Megan's picture]''
:'''Josh''': What?
:'''Drake''': Check out this family picture!
:'''Josh''': What about it?
:'''Drake''': I look good!
:'''Josh''': Will you please stay focused!? ''[takes Megan's picture away from him]'' See anything yet? Check in the closet. ''[Drake opens and checks Megan's closet]'' See anything in here?
:'''Drake''': Man, there's nothing in here. It just looks like a normal girl's room.
:'''Josh''': ''[hears electrical blurb]'' Oh, you think? ''[takes unicorn poster off wall to find a spy monitor behind it]'' Holy cheese! Look at all that equipment!
:'''Drake''': So this is how she always knows what we're doing! What do you think this button does? ''[presses button and it shocks Josh's butt]''
:'''Josh''': So that's why that's been happening! I thought it was puberty.
:'''Drake''': Come on, let's just get this back up. ''[puts the unicorn poster back on the wall]''
:'''Josh''': What do we do now?
:'''Drake''': When mom and dad come home, we'll show them this stuff then they'll see how Megan really is.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, yeah. Cause now, we got evidence baby. Come on, let's get out of here. ''[he and Drake leave Megan's room, but Drake stops by and stares at Megan's picture which causes Josh to tell Drake to put it down]'' PUT IT DOWN! ''[Drake puts Megan's picture down and Josh points to the door so that way he could make Drake leave Megan's room]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake and Josh are both disqualified when they reveal their secret, as Peruvian Puff Peppers are illegal in the United States, leaving Megan as the winner]''
:'''Megan''': ''[satisfied]'' What, you think I purposely got the Peruvian Puff Peppers knowing you'd steal them from me and use them in your own salsa? Just so I could point it out to the judges get you disqualified? And then walk away with the yatsubishi plasma screen TV for myself? Come on. I'm not that smart. ''[walks away while Drake and Josh look very disappointed]''

===We're Married===
:''[Opening comments: Josh emailed his e-pal from a foreign country while Drake got so thirsty and pranked called Josh]''
:'''Josh''': ''[looks up from a book]'' Have you ever been really good friends with someone you never even met before?
:'''Drake''': ''[looks up from a magazine]'' Have you ever been really thirsty, just didn't feel like getting up?
:'''Josh''': See, for over a year now, I've been e-mailing this girl from a foreign country. ''[telephone starts ringing]'' One sec. ''[picks up phone]'' Hello?
:'''Drake''': ''[on the phone in a bad accent]'' Yeah, this is Lieutenant Peterson with the San Diego Police Department.
:'''Josh''': ''[skeptical and aware that's actually Drake]'' Oh is it?
:'''Drake''': ''[still using the bad accent]'' Yeah, you're gonna need to get a can of soda upstairs to your brother, at code three.
:'''Josh''': ''[getting annoyed with Drake]'' Code this! ''[blows whistle into the phone receiver loudly as he and Drake hangs the phone up]'' Anyway, back to my e-pal, Yooka. It's kinda weird to be friends with someone you've never met or even talked to on the phone, but I— ''[telephone rings again and gets angry revealing that it's Walter on the phone thinking it's Drake]'' If you call me one more time, I will take an entire bottle of maple syrup and pour all over your underwear drawer, so for the next 90 days you could walk around with sticky butt!
:'''Walter''': ''[confused]'' Josh, it's your father.
:'''Josh''': Nice try, you big doof! ''[hangs up the phone]'' Man! If he's so thirsty, why can't he come downstairs, go in the kitchen and get himself— ''[looks and sees Drake sitting on the couch and realizes his mistake]'' Oh, jeez.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Drake''': On it. 
:'''Josh''': Not that way! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Audrey''': Ok, Drake. I just want you to calmly explain to me ''[yelling]'' WHY YOU ARE MARRIED TO THAT EUDONAIN GIRL!
:'''Drake''': Well, you see Josh arranged this this whole friendship ceremony, but but it turned to be a marriage ceremony.
:'''Audrey''': Josh! You did this?
:'''Josh''': What!? Drake's the one that said: ''[whining]'' &quot;EE-NAY KURESAI M'JOONGA OON-TA-YAH&quot; WHEN THE SUN WAS IN THE HOUSE OF KARFLOG!!
:'''Audurey''': ''[confused]'' What?
:'''Walter''': Alright. We'll just call the Eudonain embassy and we'll have them annll the marriage.
:'''Josh''': I tried. You can't get the marriage enough unless both the husband and wife agree. Don't worry, alright. I'm working on a plan.
:'''Drake''': Oprah is never calling you back!
:'''Josh''': No. ''[opens to the fridge and gets a container out of there and places it on the table]'' Mom, dad, just go out there and keep Yooka's parents busy for a while. ''[Audrey and Walter stare at him]'' Just trust me.
:'''Walter''': Alright, come on. ''[he and Audrey walk away]''

===Mindy's Back===
:'''Mindy''': Oh, Josh. Don't you ever learn that I can outsmart you at anytime I want?
:'''Josh''': Oh, yeah?
:'''Mindy''': Yeah. Say fort.
:'''Josh''': Fort.
:'''Mindy''': Say fort 3 times.
:'''Josh''': Fort, fort, fort.
:'''Mindy''': Spell it twice.
:'''Josh''': F-O-R-T, F-O-R-T.
:'''Mindy''': Say it 2 more times.
:'''Josh''': Fort, fort.
:'''Mindy''': Now, what do you eat soup with?
:'''Josh''': With a fork! Ha!
:'''Mindy''': Really? Because I eat my soup with a spoon.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, cause if you eat soup with a fork, all the liquid would just fall down from the-
:'''Josh''': ''[screaming]'' I KNOW!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mindy''': Maybe I just like you!
:'''Josh''': Maybe I just like you, too!
:'''Mindy''': Oh, really?!
:'''Josh''': Yeah. Maybe I've liked you for a really long time, but I didn't realize it 'cause I hated you so much!
:'''Mindy''': Are you saying you like me or not?
:'''Josh''': Are you saying you like ''me'' or not?!
:'''Mindy''': I'm saying I like you!
:'''Josh''': Well, I'm sayin' I like ''you''!
:'''Mindy''': Fine!
:'''Josh''': Fine!
:'''Mindy''': Then I guess we're boyfriend and girlfriend!
:'''Josh''': 1 condition!
:'''Mindy''': What?
:'''Josh''': I get to be the boyfriend! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:'''Josh''': Hey, Mindy. 
:'''Mindy''': Hi. Um, what are you doing at my window?

===The Affair=== 
:'''Drake''': ''[yells in a bullhorn]'' GET OFF OF ME! ''[Josh gets out]'' Now, what was I right about? 
:'''Josh''': About dad, alright? I think he ''is'' dating another woman. 
:'''Drake''': What happened? 
:'''Josh''': Well, I caught him sneaking in. He was wearing a suit. When I asked him where he'd been, he says: ''[imitates Walter]'' &quot;I was out buyin' milk, but I drank it all on the way home!&quot; 
:'''Drake''': Oh, that's bad! 
:'''Josh''': I know! 
:'''Drake''': I really needed some milk. 
:'''Josh''': ''[slaps Drake with a pillow]'' THIS - IS NOT - ABOUT - YOUR DAIRY - NEEDS!!! 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:''[Walter chokes from cumin from his waffle that Drake put on]''
:'''Josh''': A-Are you okay?
:'''Drake''': What's the matter?
:'''Walter''': ''[choking and suffering]'' Cu-cu-cumin!
:'''Josh''': Cumin!? Cumin!? ''[angrily takes Drake out of the kitchen while Walter chokes]'' YOU PUT CUMIN IN HIS WAFFLE?!
:'''Drake''': You told me to put cumin in his waffle!
:'''Josh''': I said cinnamon. CINNAMON! 
:'''Drake''': What's the difference?
:'''Josh''': Everything! Alright? Cinnamon is sweet and delicious, cumin is a Mexican spice. You were flavoring a waffle, not a CHIMICHANGA!
:'''Drake''': Oh, so I made a little mistake.
:'''Josh''': A HUGE mistake. Alright, Dad's allergic to cumin and he's probably in there dying right now. ''[pause]'' DAD! ''[they run back into the kitchen]'' Dad! Dad, what do I do!? 
:'''Walter''': ''[choking and suffering]'' Inhaler!
:'''Drake''': He said inhaler!
:'''Josh''': ''[mumbles]'' Help me find it! ''[he and Drake find the inhaler in the drawer]'' Here! Here! Dad! ''[puts the inhaler in Walter's mouth]'' Drake, what do I do? ''[Drake hits Walter's chest]'' Are you okay? Is that better?
:'''Walter''': Yeah. Yeah, I think so.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake and Josh both sneak into Peggy's business to leave their father alone]''
:'''Drake''': What's up?
:'''Josh''': Hi.
:'''Peggy''': Hello? Did I order 2 teenagers?
:'''Drake''': No, actually uh, Walter is our dad.
:'''Peggy''': Oh, oh, this is awkward. Um, see I-I really don't think Walter wants you to know what's going on just yet.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, well, we do know what's going on, we're not to happy about it.
:'''Peggy''': Really? Wow, I thought 2 teenager boys would rather find it exciting.
:'''Drake''': Well, we don't so maybe you wouldn't mind you know backing off.
:'''Peggy''': ''[chuckles]'' I don't think so.
:'''Josh''': Why not?
:'''Peggy''': Because I want your dad.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, we know that but-
:'''Peggy''': Granted, I was considering a few other men and 1 woman but there's something about your father that feels right.
:'''Josh''': Well, how nice for you.
:'''Drake''': You know, he's married.
:'''Peggy''': I know. I think this can be great for your mother, too. Look, when I see someone I want, I go after him.
:'''Josh''': Yeah? Well, uh, when we someone we don't like, we do this. ''[dumps Walter's meal on Peggy's face]''
:'''Drake''': And sometimes, we even do this. ''[splats a cake on Peggy's face]''
:'''Walter''': Drake! Josh! What have you done?
:'''Peggy''': Walter, if this is how you raise your children to behave? Then I have no interest for pursuing you any further!
:'''Drake and Josh''': ''[satisfied]'' Yes!
:'''Walter''': Wait, please.
:'''Peggy''': ''[angrily]'' Goodbye, Walter! ''[spits a piece of cake out and leaves because of Drake and Josh's behavior]''
:''[Walter angrily turns around and glares at Drake and Josh when he found them noisy for ruining his date, but he seems to ignore them]''
:'''Josh''': We know you're mad.
:'''Drake''': But we had to do it.
:'''Josh''': We couldn't let that skunk-bag steal you away from mom.
:'''Drake''': And ruin our whole family.
:'''Josh''': But don't worry.
:'''Drake''': We won't tell mom about this whole episode.
:'''Josh''': We got your back!
:'''Walter''': ''[after ignoring Drake and Josh for ruining his date]'' You think I was dating that woman? 
:'''Josh''': Well, uh... 
:'''Drake''': Yeah.
:'''Walter''': Boys, that &quot;skunk-bag&quot; just so happens to be the senior producer of ''Good Morning Today'', and she was talking to me about being the weatherman...on the ''[angrily]'' #1 NATIONAL MORNING SHOW IN AMERICA!
:'''Josh''': Well, that's different.
:'''Drake''': Yeah. We're gonna go.
:'''Josh''': Bye. ''[he and Drake leave but Walter stops them]''
:'''Walter''': No, you're not. You're gonna do something else.
:'''Josh''': Right.
:'''Drake''': No problem.
:'''Josh''': Now? 
:'''Walter''': Uh-huh. 
:''[as retribution for messing up the lunch and costing him the job, Walter makes Drake and Josh dump food on themselves as the episode ends]''

===Playing the Field===
:''[Josh pretends to be Tori while Drake plays as himself]''
:'''Drake''': Alright. Uh, Tori.
:'''Josh''': ''[in a very girly voice]'' What is it, Drake?
:'''Drake''': Okay, I can't do this if he's gonna talk like that.
:'''Josh''': I'm being a girl.
:'''Drake''': What girl has a mustache other than your grandmother?
:'''Josh''': ''[angrily]'' THAT TEARS IT!
:'''Mindy''': ''[stops the fight]'' Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!  Stop it! Alright, just do this.
:'''Drake''': Tori?
:''[Josh hums as Tori]''
:'''Mindy''': Now take your hands.
:'''Drake''': Now, I-I really like you I- ''[Josh hums again]'' But-but I think we have to break up! ''[Josh begins to cry]'' See! I can't handle it!
:'''Mindy''': Just keep going you can handle it.
:'''Drake''': Look I-I just think I should date other people and you should too!
:'''Josh''': ''[in a very girly voice]'' Well, I guess I understand.
:'''Drake''': Uh, just one more thing.
:'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' Yes?
:'''Drake''': SHAVE OFF THE MUSTACHE!
:'''Josh''': ''[angrily]'' OUT! ''[he makes Drake leave]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': Josh, is Tori here?
:'''Josh''': Um, uh, yeah. She's over there with another good-looking guy.
:'''Drake''': Oh good, cause I have a hot date coming here already. ''[stares at Josh's half shaved mustache]'' What happened to the other half of your mustache?
:'''Josh''': I just woke this morning and it's gone.
:'''Drake''': Well, then why don't you shave off the other half?
:'''Josh''': No! Alright, that's just want Mindy wants me to do.
:'''Drake''': Dude, if you shave it off, she will kiss you!
:'''Josh''': Well, there are more important things in life than kissing girls.
:'''Drake''': Name two.
:'''Josh''': I can't!
:'''Drake''': You have to keep your dumb mustache. Come here!
:'''Josh''': What are you doing? 
:'''Drake''': Restashing you! ''[draws a mustache on Josh's face]''
:'''Josh''': Do I look good?
:'''Drake''': Here comes Liza!
:'''Josh''': Hot Liza?
:'''Drake''': The hottest you think she'll make Tori jealous.
:''[Josh mumbles]''
:'''Liza''': Hey Drake!
:'''Drake''': Hey Liza! You know my brother Josh.
:'''Liza''': What's up with him?
:'''Drake''': Come with me! ''[he and Liza leave]''

===Helen's Surgery===
:'''Drake''': ''[while wandering around the room]'' Man, Helen, you got a groove machine? And a hot tub? Man, this place cost you like, a billion dollars.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, how do you afford all this?
:'''Helen''': Is that some of your business?
:'''Drake''': How do you afford it?
:'''Helen''': Well, I'll tell you, Drake. I still get money from ''Happy Times''.
:'''Josh''': ''Happy Times'', wasn't that like a TV show back in the 70s?
:'''Helen''': That's the one.
:'''Drake''': Whoa, you played the little sister on ''Happy Times''?
:'''Helen''': Yes, I was little Georgia.
:'''Drake''': Awesome.
:'''Josh''': So cool.
:'''Helen''': Well you know, I don't like to brag about it you know. You want to watch an episode? The tapes on top of the VCR and Josh you help me get to the sofa. 
:'''Josh''': Alright.
:''[Drake turns on the TV while Josh and Helen sit on the sofa]''
:'''Helen''': Just put it on auxiliary one and press play.
:'''Josh''': Auxiliary one and play.
:''[a clip from Happy Times play when Helen appears on the show as Georgia]''
:'''Mark''': Hey Georgia! Come throw the football with me!
:'''Georgia''': You throw that football in this house, mama's gonna beat you like a cheap drone.
:'''Helen''': ''[voiceover]'' That's me! 
:'''Mark''': Here catch! ''[throws the football and break the flower vase]'' 
:'''Georgia's Mom''': Mark, you go to your room right now!
:'''Mark''': yes ma'am! ''[leaves and gets grounded by their mom]'' 
:'''Georgia's Mom''': And Georgia, you get some paper towels and help me clean this mess up.
:'''Georgia''': That is not my job!
:'''Drake''': That is not my job!
:'''Helen''': Yeah, that was catchphrase!
:'''Josh''': That is not my job!
:'''Helen''': You don't do it right!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Josh''': ''[answers the phone revealing it's Megan]'' Hello?
:'''Megan''': Josh, did you lose something?
:'''Josh''': What do you mean?
:'''Megan''': I found your boss at the park talking to a bush. So I brought her home.
:'''Josh''': Helen's at our house?
:'''Megan''': Yeah. Listen.
:'''Helen''': ''[at Drake and Josh's house]'' One cup that holds soda and popcorn and candy! ''[laughs]'' That's revolutionary!
:'''Megan''': Here that?
:'''Josh''': Just don't let her go anywhere. Alright, I'm coming to get her! ''[hangs up and leaves]''
:'''Gavin''': ''[picks up his pillow]'' Gonna take a nap on the roof. ''[leaves]''

===Paging Dr. Drake===
:'''Megan''': ''[grabs her drink and sees a bug on the wall]'' Mom, there's a bug in the wall.
:'''Audrey''': Josh, go kill the bug.
:'''Josh''': ''[gets up but refuses to kill it after Drake injured his foot]'' Go kill the bug.
:'''Drake''': I don't want to kill a bug.
:'''Walter''': Josh, she asked you to do it. ''[Josh gets an orange and kills the bug as he missed]'' GET UP AND GO SQUISH THAT BUG!
:'''Audrey''': Right now!
:'''Josh''': ''[worried]'' Okay. ''[he gets up and walks with a cane as he tries to kill the bug]''
:'''Audrey''': Okay, what up with the cane?
:'''Josh''': ''[mumbles]'' I use it to kill bugs and whatnot? ''[kills the bug with a cane]'' See? ''[falls down to the floor when he feels his foot accident]''
:'''Walter''': ''[gets up]'' JOSH! ''[he and Audrey walk up to him after he falls to the floor]'' What's the matter with you?
:'''Josh''': I don't know! This house is tilted!
:'''Megan''': No! Josh crushed his foot and he refuses to go to the hospital.
:'''Audrey''': ''[worried]'' You what?
:'''Walter''': Let's get his shoe off. ''[he and Audrey took him to sit on a chair]''
:'''Josh''': Look, d-don't even worry about it, alright. ''[Walter takes off his shoe]'' I'm-I'm sure it's-it's fine, it doesn't really even hurt any- ''[he, Walter, Audrey, and Megan yell at his badly injured left foot after he dropped a barbell on it by Drake, much to his horror]'' MORE!!! 
:'''Audrey''': OH, NO!!!
:'''Walter''': AH!!! JOSH!!!
:'''Megan''': Cool!
:''[they look at Josh's injured foot which has black marks from Drake's accident]''
:'''Drake''': Looks like mom's meatloaf! ''[his parents stare at him]'' Which tastes so good.
:'''Audrey''': How did this happened?
:'''Drake''': He dropped a barbell on it.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, after you shot me with a potato.
:'''Audrey''': A potato?
:'''Drake''': It's a long story.
:'''Walter''': ''[curious]'' Why didn't you tell us about this?
:'''Josh''': ''[worried]'' 'Cause I'm afraid of hospitals, alright?
:'''Walter''': Oh, come on!
:'''Audrey''': Do you know how serious this could be?
:'''Walter''': ''[after discovering Josh's foot]'' You could lose that foot!
:'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' But I love this foot!
:'''Audrey''': Come on, we need to get him to the hospital right now.
:''[as Drake leaves, Audrey and Walter help Josh to get to the hospital]''
:'''Megan''': If they have to remove this foot, can I have it?
:'''Walter and Audrey''': No!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Walter''': Pardon me, nurse.
:'''Nurse''': Yes?
:'''Walter''': Could you tell me what time my son's surgery is suppose to start? His name is Josh Nichols.
:'''Nurse''': Oh, I'm sorry. He passed away.
:'''Walter''': What?
:'''Nurse''': Oh, wait. ''Josh Nichols''. His surgery doesn't start for a couple hours.
:'''Walter''': Thanks.
:'''Nurse''': Sure. ''[she walks away]'' 

===Foam Finger===
:''[flashback #1: in Josh's recollection]''
:'''Little Josh''': Hey!
:'''Little Drake''': Hey.
:'''Little Josh''': I'm Josh, what's your name?
:'''Little Drake''': Drake.
:'''Little Josh''': I'm gonna buy a foam finger.
:'''Little Drake''': Um, could you not talk to me?
:'''Little Josh''': Ha-ha! You're funny. Wanna be friends?
:'''Little Drake''': If I say yes, will you stop talking to me?
:'''Little Josh''': Um, pardon me, but I think you're next in line.
:'''Little Drake''': Yeah, I know. Hey girls? Why don't you cut in you can all buy foam fingers.
:''[A group of little girls whoop while cutting and get in line to buy all the foam fingers]''
:'''Little Josh''': Hey, no cutsies! Um, I was in line! ''[the little girls leave after buying almost all of the foam fingers]'' Ladies!
:'''Little Drake''': Got any foam fingers left?
:'''Lenny''': Just one.
:'''Little Drake''': ''[satisfied]'' Good. I'll buy it. So he can't have it!
:'''Little Josh''': Heh!?
:'''Lenny''': Here you go, the last foam finger.
:'''Little Drake''': ''[satisfied]'' Ha-ha! I got the last foam finger!
:'''Little Josh''': Daddy! ''[little Drake hits him]'' You thumped me!
:'''Little Drake''': Did not.
:'''Little Josh''': Daddy!
:''[Little Drake tackles Little Josh, causing a fight for the last foam finger]''
:'''Lenny''': Cops! Cops!
:''[they continue fighting until the cops show up as Josh's recollection ends]''
:'''Josh''': And then the cops had to come break it up!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[flashback #2: in Drake's recollection]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Drake''': Cause I'm #1! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;  
:'''Josh''': What up with the cans? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[flashback #3: in Lenny's recollection]''
:'''Lenny''': The Padres were playing against the Giants, and I was selling foam fingers, it was late in the afternoon, these two boys get in line at the concession stand...
:'''Audrey''': Okay, Drake, here's some money, you get yourself a souvenir.
:'''Little Drake''': Thanks, mom.
:'''Audrey''': Megan! Are you hungry?
:'''Little Megan''': Yeah!
:'''Audrey''': Yes! You can have a cookie.
:'''Little Megan''': I am hungry!
:'''Audrey''': Take the cookie!
:'''Little Josh''': Hey.
:'''Little Drake''': Hey.
:'''Little Josh''': I'm Josh.
:'''Little Drake''': Drake.
:'''Little Josh''': I'm gonna buy a foam finger.
:'''Little Drake''': Me too.
:'''Little Josh''': Cool.
:'''Lenny''': Next in line.
:'''Little Josh:''' Hey, you're up.
:''[two little girls walk up behind the boys]''
:'''Little Girl''': Hi, is it okay if we cut in front of you?
:'''Little Drake''': Cool with you?
:'''Little Josh''': Sure.
:'''Little Drake''': Go ahead.
:'''Little Josh''': You know, my dad's a weatherman.
:'''Little Drake''': My mom loves weathermen.
:'''Little Girl''': Thanks. Bye. ''[She and the other little girl leave]''
:'''Little Drake''': One foam finger, please.
:'''Lenny''': O... kay, it looks like you got the last one.
:'''Little Josh''': Aw, that's the last foam finger?
:'''Little Drake''': I'm really sorry.
:'''Little Josh''': Daddy! ''[little Megan throws the cookie at Josh's head]'' Aaah! You thumped me.
:'''Little Drake''': No, I didn't.
:''[they both start fighting again for the last foam finger]''
:'''Lenny''': Cops! Cops!
:''[they continue fighting until the cops show up as Lenny's recollection ends]''
:'''Josh''': So... it was Megan who started the fight.
:'''Lenny''': That's right. She threw the cookie.
:'''Megan''': Wow. I was even cool then! 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:'''Drake''' I wonder what it's gonna be like when we're 80. 
:'''Josh''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah. 
:''[They imagine themselves as 80-year-olds, all old and cranky]'' 
:'''Elderly Josh''': I am starving. ''[blows on his in-haller; an elderly Megan comes to bring them their bowls of food]'' Starving! 
:'''Elderly Drake''': Yeah, where's Megan with our dinna? 
:'''Both''': Megaaaaan! 
:'''Elderly Megan''': I'm comin', I'm comin'! Drake, here's your oatmeal. Josh, here's your cream of wheat. ''[gives them their bowls]'' Boobs! ''[walks away]'' 
:'''Elderly Josh''': Wait! Wait-wait, I wanted the oatmeal. 
:'''Elderly Drake''':  No, you asked for the cream of wheat. 
:'''Elderly Josh''': You gimme that oatmeal! 
:''' Elderly Drake''': Over my dead body! 
:'''Elderly Josh''': Fine! I can wait 5 minutes. 
:'''Elderly Drake''': That's it! I'm eatin' on the other side of the room. ''[gets up]'' 
:'''Elderly Josh''': Well, who needs ya? ''[gets up cracking his back, as Megan secretly throws a cookie at him and quickly escapes]'' You threw somethin' at me! 
:'''Elderly Drake''': That's a lie!  
:'''Elderly Josh''': It is on!  
:'''Elderly Drake''': Oh, it's on! 
:'''Elderly Josh''': It's go time! 
:'''Elderly Drake''': I'll show you go time!  
:'''Elderly Josh''': I am comin' at you, fastest lighting!  
:''[both fight until they fall asleep on the couch as the episode ends]''

===Girl Power===
:'''Drake''': You know what I love about you?
:'''Lucy''': And what do you love about me?
:'''Drake''': You're always in a great mood. Man, I can't believe I even thought about dumping you.
:'''Lucy''': Huh?
:'''Drake''': Oh, oh, nothing, it's stupid.
:'''Lucy''': Oh, tell me.
:'''Drake''': Well, it's just you know. Okay, to be totally honest, you know I-I got kind of freaked out about the other night.
:'''Lucy''': What, the thing with the football player?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, you know I was thinking how could I date a girl who's tougher than me? But Josh told me I was just being dumb.
:'''Lucy''': Yeah. So now you're cool with it?
:'''Drake''': Cool with what?
:'''Lucy''': Dating a girl that's tougher than you.
:'''Drake''': Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay you are not tougher than me, that football player just caught me off guard.
:'''Lucy''': ''[laughing]'' Okay, whatever you say.
:'''Drake''': You think you're tougher than me.
:'''Lucy''': Kinda.
:''[Drake and Lucy both get together in an arm wrestling contest]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:'''Lucy''': Woops. 
:'''Drake''': Not bad. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake and Lucy continue their wrestling match downstairs, ruining Josh and Mindy's dinner as the Megan and the kids cheer]''
:'''Josh''': ''[incredibly furious after making Drake stop fighting]'' IT'S A DRAW!
:'''Mindy's Dad''': Josh, who are these people?
:'''Josh''': Uh, this is my brother Drake. Drake, this is-
:'''Mindy's Mom''': He's your brother?
:'''Mindy's Dad''': I knew it! I knew these were not the kind of people our daughter should be associating with. Mindy, we're going!
:'''Mindy''': Dad, mom, wait!
:'''Josh''': ''[incredibly furious]'' You see what you do? 1 night. 1 night, I ask you to help me and you ruin it!
:'''Drake''': Josh.
:'''Josh''': ''[incredibly furious]'' Look, I-I told you how important this was to me. I told you that this was my last chance to impress Mindy's parents. I-I spent like 2 days working on this dinner and I spent like 300 bucks on a dumb harpist, who at this point, SHOULD STOP PLAYING! ''[the harpist stops playing]'' And I don't even care what you think of Mindy, alright? Because she is the best thing that ever happened to me and I can't date her anymore because you wrecked it! Alright, y-y-you you wrecked my dinner, you wrecked my $100 ice sculpture, and you wrecked my relationship!
:'''Drake''': Y-You spent $100 on ice? ''[Josh attacks him and begins to fight with him, until Lucy stops them]''
:'''Lucy''': Stop!
:'''Mindy's Dad''': Listen, Josh! I think… that you and Mindy should continue dating.
:'''Josh''': For real?
:'''Mindy''': Why'd you changed your mind?
:'''Mindy's Mom''': Because any young man who cares that cares about that much our Mindy. I think you understand.
:'''Josh''': Thank you so much, Mr. &amp; Mrs. Crenshaw.
:'''Mindy's Dad''': Just 1 thing.
:'''Josh''': Yes, sir?
:'''Mindy's Dad''': What were you 2 fighting about?
:'''Lucy''': Oh, see, I challenged him to a wrestling match because he didn't believe that I was tougher than him.
:'''Mindy's Dad''': Well, of course you're not. ''[chuckles]'' 
:'''Lucy''': Huh?
:'''Mindy's Dad''': Physically, boys are genetically superior to girls.
:'''Drake''': Ah, thank you.
:'''Mindy's Mom''': Oh, Paul, you sound like an idiot.
:'''Mindy''': You tell him, mom.
:'''Mindy's Mom''': You know, fighting has to do with skill, not male-vs-female genetics.
:'''Mindy's Dad''': Oh, don't be absurd. Men are tougher than women.
:'''Mindy's Mom''': Oh, I have stakes tougher than you.
:'''Megan''': Well, I guess there's only 2 way to settle this.
:'''Boy''': FIGHT!
:''[Mindy's parents get into a fight as the episode ends]''

===Sheep Thrills===
:''[Drake and Josh find a sheep in the garage during the middle of the night]''
:'''Josh''': What up with the sheep?
:'''Megan''': ''[comes in the garage]'' Why are you guys in the garage? Did you hurt my sheep?
:'''Drake''': This thing's yours?
:'''Megan''': Yes, he's mine. Are you okay Baaahhb?
:'''Josh''': His name is Bob?
:'''Megan''': No, he's a sheep, his name is Baaahhb!
:'''Drake''': It's not Bob, it's Baaahhb. ''[Josh stares at him]''
:'''Josh''': Yes, I get it. Here's a crazy question, where'd you get a sheep?
:'''Megan''': I bought him on the internet.
:'''Josh''': Oh excuse me for not being familiar with the sheepstore.com.
:'''Drake''': I thought mom and dad said you can't have a pet.
:'''Megan''': No, they said I couldn't have a cat. They said nothing about a sheep.
:'''Josh''': Well when mom and dad find Baaahhb, you're going to be in some big time trouble little girl.
:'''Megan''': No, they're not gonna find it because you two are gonna hide them in your room.
:'''Josh''': Oh really.
:'''Drake''': And what makes you think we're gonna do that?
:'''Megan''': Well, if you two hide him, just till I figure out a way to explain to mom and dad.
:'''Josh''': Yeah.
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Megan''': I promise not to pull any pranks on you for 3 months.
:''[Drake and Josh both gasp]''
:'''Josh''': For real?
:'''Drake''': You swear.
:'''Megan''': Swear.
:'''Josh''': Think about it.
:'''Drake''': A world where Megan doesn't do bad things to us.
:''[Drake and Josh both have a dream set at a garden where Megan happily throws flowers at them and dance together]''
:'''Drake and Josh''': We'll do it.
:'''Megan''': Excellent.
:'''Drake''': But just for a few days.
:'''Megan''': That's all I need. Now you take Baaahhb up to your room and make him comfortable. ''[she gives her pet sheep to Drake and Josh]'' And uh, be sure he has plenty of water. Night! ''[leaves the garage]''
:'''Josh''': Alright, we should take Bob up to our-
:'''Drake''': It's Baaahhb!
:''[Josh sprays on Drake's face to make him hush]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:'''Dr. Glazer''': But you told me your father fell down the stairs again. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake and Josh feel tried and go upstairs as they bring Baaahhb up to their room when they tried to avoid showing it to Audrey and Walter]''
:'''Josh''': ''[tried]'' Oh, we did it.
:'''Drake''': ''[tried, picks up the lamb]'' Yeah.
:'''Josh''': ''[tried]'' Yeah, come on. Come on. Alright. Now. Uh, you... ''[now awake]'' You stay here with the baby and Baaahhb. I'm gonna go downstairs and make sure mom and dad aren’t suspicious. ''[he opens the door and screams at Audrey and Walter who feels suspicious, much to his horror, he closes the door in front of them and runs up to Drake as he feels shocked]'' THEY'RE SUSPICIOUS!
:''[Audrey and Walter come inside Drake and Josh's room and find two sheep in their room thinking they had cause all the trouble they've done]''
:'''Audrey''': Well, we came up here to ask why you guys are acting so strange tonight.
:'''Walter''': But, uh, maybe a better question would be: Um, why do you have two sheep in your room?
:'''Josh''': Like technically, a little one is called a lamb.
:'''Walter''': Josh.
:'''Drake''': You, alright, this is all Megan's fault!
:'''Audrey''': Here we go again.
:'''Josh''': No, it is. Oh, go, okay, she bought the big one online.
:'''Drake''': And then it gave birth on my bed.
:'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' No, I'm really upset!
:'''Walter''': Ok. So you want us to believe that a sweet little 11-year-old girl somehow managed to go on the internet and buy herself a pregnant sheep.
:'''Josh''': It does sound unlikely.
:'''Drake''': It's true!
:'''Josh''': It's true!
:'''Megan''': ''[comes home from oboe practice and goes inside Drake and Josh's room]'' Hey, what's going on?
:'''Drake''': Ha! Now she could tell you herself.
:'''Josh''': Yeah. You put down your oboe and tell them what they did!
:'''Megan''': What are you guys talking-? ''[sees a sheep in Drake and Josh's room and drops her oboe]'' Wow! A sheep! How cute! ''[gives a sheep a hug]'' Oh. Where'd you guys get him?
:''[Audrey and Walter stare at Drake and Josh as Megan pretends to not know about the sheep]''
:'''Josh''': ''[worried]'' What? You got-you-you know good and well.
:'''Drake''': How long are we grounded?
:'''Audrey''': A month.
:'''Josh''': Fair enough.
:''[Audrey and Walter are both satisfied that Drake and Josh are both grounded for one month, the lamb baas whiles Megan hugs a sheep]''

===Megan's New Teacher===
:'''Josh''': Good morning class. My name is Mr. Nichols. Now, today we're going to be learning about the atom.
:'''Adam''': Oh! My names Adam.
:'''Josh''': No, I mean we'll be learning about molecular bonding. Now, I'm going to be teaching you guys all kinds of cool stuff about chemistry. So, you're going to need these special textbooks.
:'''Katie''': Advanced molecular theory?
:'''Adam''': ''[while having a college textbook on his desk]'' Oh, this is a college textbook!
:'''Josh''': I know
:'''Megan''': Yo, boob.
:'''Josh''': Excuse me, Megan, I'm your teacher!
:'''Megan''': Sorry, Mr. Boob. This stuff is way to hard for us.
:''[Megan's class mumble]''
:'''Josh''': Sh! Alright, look, I believe that kids are way more capable then your giving credit for.
:'''Boy''': Kevin's eating glue!
:'''Josh''': ''[takes the glue away from Kevin]'' Don't you know your not supposed to eat glue!? ''[Kevin mumbles with his mouth full of glue]'' Look, I just think that young people need to be challenged and I'm Mr. Challenge!
:'''Katie''': You said you're Mr. Nichols!
:'''Adam''': I thought he is Mr. Boob!
:''[Megan's class laugh]'' 
:'''Josh''': Hey, watch it. Alright, I can be quick with the timeouts! Just saying!
:'''Katie''': That guy's your brother?
:'''Megan''': Yeah.
:'''Katie''': I'm so sorry.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Josh''': ''[with German accent]'' Alright, I am a very famous person. Who am I?
:'''Katie''': A hobo?
:'''Josh''': No. Hobos aren't famous. Now, here's the hint. I am a famous scientist.
:'''Neil''': Harry Potter.
:'''Josh''': No. Harry Potter is a wizard. Think. I am a ''German'' scientist.
:'''Adam''': A hobo!
:'''Josh''': ''[in his normal accent]'' Dude, I'm Albert Einstein! You should know this from your homework last night.
:'''Megan''': I told you, we weren't doing it.
:'''Josh''': Wait a minute. None of you did your homework?
:'''Katie''': I tried to, but I couldn't figure it out, so I asked my mom to help me.
:'''Josh''': And?
:'''Katie''': She couldn't figure it out, either. So, she asked my dad, and then he got mad and went to a motel.
:'''Josh''': Well, then I guess I'm going to have to give you all a pop quiz.
:''[Megan's class mumble]''
:'''Megan''': Yo, Einstein. If you give us a quiz on homework we didn't do, we're gonna fail!
:'''Josh''': You shouldn't thought of that when you weren't doing your homework.
:'''Katie''': Your brother is getting on my nerves.
:'''Adam''': Yeah, he's bugging me too.
:'''Megan''': It's not my fault.
:'''Ms. Hunter''': ''[comes in]'' Alright children- Oh no! Security! We've got another hobo in the classroom!
:''[the security guard sprays Josh's face]''
:'''Josh''': I'm not a hobo! STAND DOWN!

===Little Sibling===
:'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Good morning, adulessons. Please take your seats. Taylor, take off your headphones or I will sell them on the internet. ''[looks at the empty seat]'' We have an empty seat, who's not here?
:'''Becca''': ''[runs up to Mrs. Hayfer]'' Mrs. Hayfer, the lunch ladies are fighting again.
:'''Mrs. Hayfer''': What is it about sloppy joe day that makes those women so violent? ''[as she leaves]'' Helga? Helga?!
:'''Josh''': So what are the lunch ladies fighting about?
:'''Becca''': Oh, they're not fighting.
:'''Josh''': Why'd you tell Mrs. Hayfer they were fighting?
:'''Drake''': ''[walks in]'' Thank you, Becca.
:'''Josh''': Of course.
:'''Drake''': And how could I ever repay you?
:'''Becca''': I think you can guess. ''[Drake and Becca kiss on the lips]'' Let me know if you need more help.
:'''Drake''': Let me know if you need more Drake. ''[Becca walks away]'' Oh, and Josh, you left your ointment at home.
:'''Josh''': Is nothing personal?
:'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Well, the lunch ladies were not fighting and I don't know why those girls called- ''[sees Drake sitting down]'' Drake Parker, were you here when I left?
:'''Drake''': Oh, oh, yeah, totally. You probably didn't see me because I had my face buried in this book.
:'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Are you lying to me Drake?
:'''Drake''': Would I lie to you?
:'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Let me think, yes. But I know someone who never lies. ''[walks over to Josh]'' Josh? Was Drake on time to my class today?
:'''Josh''': Um, you know, what is time? When you think about it because Einstein theorized that time actually-
:'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Josh! 
:'''Josh''': ''[whines]'' No, he wasn't here on time.
:'''Drake''': Josh!
:'''Josh''': ''[whines]'' Tell that girl to come in here so you'd have to leave so he could to sneak into class. I'm sorry, I can't lie. If you murder me in my sleep tonight I'd appreciate you doing it in a way that's not painful. ''[whines]'' IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK? ''[ends up getting a scary emotion]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[comes in The Premiere and finds Drake and Josh with Sammy]'' Very, very, interesting.
:'''Drake''': Mrs. Hayfer, what are you doing out in public?
:'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Apparently, watching you, fail miserably. Josh, would you take Sammy to the nurse for a moment?
:'''Josh''': There's no nurse here-
:'''Mrs. Hayfer''': TO THE NURSE!
:'''Josh''': Come on, Sammy! ''[he and Sammy run off]''
:'''Drake''': Mrs. Hayfer, I can explain.
:'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Drake, we had a deal. You stay out of remedial English as long as your Sammy's big sibling but if Sammy prefers Josh, well I think we know what will happen to you.
:''[Drake has a second dream sequence in Remedial English with lack of discipline that includes poorly behaved students and a vicious dog named Cuddles that's controlled by a mean teen]''
:'''Mr. Talbot''': ''[in Drake's dream; with his hands and feet tied-up]'' WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE CALL THE POLICE!
:''[2 Gothic love starved Bartleby sisters try to kiss Drake as Drake's second dream ends]''
:'''Drake''': Okay, okay, just give me one day and I promise Sammy will love me.
:'''Mrs. Hayfer''': Make sure it happens. ''[walks away but stops for a little bit to talk to Drake]'' Oh, and Drake. Guess what?
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Mrs. Hayfer''': ''[satisfied]'' I hate you.
:'''Drake''': ''[worried]'' I know.

===Theater Thug===
:''[Megan and Josh enters Drake and Josh's room]''
:'''Megan''': I so don't want to do this! 
:'''Josh''': Come on! Just work with me for ten minutes! 
:'''Drake''': What are you guys doing? 
:'''Megan''': He wants me to help him rehearse his lines for FBI's Most Wanted. 
:'''Drake''': ''[to Josh]'' Dude, you are taking this acting thing way too seriously! 
:'''Josh''': I just want to be good, alright? 
:'''Drake''': It's acting, you show up, you say some stuff, you go home, anyone could do it. 
:'''Josh''': Okay Megan, when I walk through the door, just react naturally to what I say. ''[he leaves the room]'' Megan, you ready? 
:'''Megan''': Wait, let me go over my line. ''[looks at her script]'' What? Okay, I'm ready! 
:'''Josh''': Drake, yell action! 
:'''Drake''': ''[unenthusiastically, while playing some notes on his guitar]'' Action. 
:'''Josh''': ''[walks through the door]'' Where's the money? 
:'''Megan''': What? 
:'''Josh''': Where's the money? You give me the money, I ain't playing! ''[Megan giggles]'' Oh come on! You can't giggle! 
:'''Megan''': You said to react naturally. You tried to act tough so naturally I laughed.
:'''Josh''': Okay, don't react naturally, act the way you would if I was a big scary robber. ''[leaves the room]'' Drake! 
:'''Drake''': ''[unenthusiastically, while playing some notes on his guitar]'' Action. 
:'''Josh''': ''[walks through the door]'' Where's the money? 
:'''Megan''': What? 
:'''Josh''': Where's the money? You give me the money, I ain't playing! 
:'''Megan''': There's a cop behind you. 
:'''Josh''': ''[turns around]'' What cop? ''[Megan pushes him through the door and locks it]'' Megan! Open this door! Alright, fine! I'll just bust it down! ''[tries to get in, but he falls to the floor]'' Never mind...
:''[Drake and Megan laugh]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': Come on.
:'''Josh''': I feel like an idiot.
:'''Drake''': You look fine.
:'''Josh''': ''[he walks out, wearing a hippie disguise]'' I look so stupid.
:'''Drake''': So, at least you're not gettin' beat up or arrested.
:'''Josh''': I guess. What it ease? People are staring at me.
:'''Drake''': So, just ignore 'em. at least it's working.
:'''Man''': Hey, it's the Theater Thug!
:'''Josh''': No, no, no!
:'''Man''': And he's wearing a hippie disguise!
:'''Josh''': No, no! See, my name is Antoine. How are you...
:'''Old Lady''': Don't let him get away!
:'''Josh''': ''[being crowded]'' I'm--no, I'm not the guy! hey, It's not me! I'm... ''[whistles blows]'' Wait, wait! ''[dragged by the police]'' I'm not the guy! You've got the--No! ''[sputtering]'' I'm not--I'm not the guy! No! tell him I'm not the guy! He went that way! He went--''[dragged by the police again]'' I'm not the guy!

===The Demonator===
:''[Drake and Josh get ready to ride The Demonator as they leave the house]''
:'''Josh''': Hi, parents.
:'''Drake''': Bye, parents.
:'''Walter''': ''[stops the boys from leaving]'' Woah, woah, woah, woah. Where do you boys think you're going?
:'''Drake''': Uh, to make history.
:'''Josh''': We're going to ride The Demonator.
:'''Audrey''': No, you promised that you'd stay here and watch Papa Nichols.
:'''Drake''': Ugh, fine. Here, come on, he can come with us. Come on, Josh, grab his feet.
:'''Josh''': Why do I always have to grab the feet?
:''[Drake lifts Papa Nichols' shoulders while Josh lifts his feet]''
:'''Walter''': Guys, you can't take your great-grandfather to ride The Demonator.
:'''Josh''': Sure we can.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, you only have to be this tall. ''[he puts his hand about yay high]''
:'''Walter''': The man just had surgery, and he's heavily medicated.
:'''Drake''': Oh, come on, he fought in World War II.
:'''Josh''': The Demonator is nothing for a man who's seen combat!
:'''Audrey''': Okay, listen to my words. You boys are going to stay here and take care of Papa Nichols, are we clear?
:'''Josh''': Yes.
:'''Drake''': Fine.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[while Drake, Josh, and Megan are out riding the Demonator, Craig and Eric are at home watching Papa Nichols]''
:'''Craig''': Drake said he'd be asleep all night.
:'''Papa Nichols''': ''[wakes up]'' Oh, where am I? What's happened?
:'''Eric''': He's disoriented.
:'''Papa Nichols''': What did you call me?
:'''Eric''': Oh. Uh, nothing, sir. I was just, uhh...
:'''Papa Nichols''': What have you done with the rest of my unit?
:'''Craig''': What does he mean, his unit?
:''[Papa Nichols picks up his slipper]''
:'''Eric''': I guess he thinks he's back in World War II.
:'''Papa Nichols''': ''[uses his slipper as a walkie-talkie]'' General Patton, sir. It's Sergeant Nichols. I've just been captured by 2 German nerds!
:'''Eric''': Oh. No, no, sir. We're not Germans.
:'''Papa Nichols''': That's just what a German would say!
:'''Eric''': No, no, no. You don't understand...
:'''Papa Nichols''': No, no. You will not capture me. ''[bonks Eric in the head]'' Ever!
:'''Craig''': Eric!
:'''Papa Nichols''': ''[mumbling]'' Get outta here! ''[Craig screams as Papa Nichols throws him over the couch]'' USA! USA! USA! ''[starts running off]'' USA! USA! USA! USA!
:''[after Papa Nichols leaves, Craig and Eric are sitting on the floor feeling themselves in pain]'' 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:'''Walter''': Papa Nicholas. Papa Nicholas. Wake up. It's time to- 
:'''Papa Nicholas''': AH! ''[punches Walter, knocking him out; laughs]'' Nice try, German! USA! USA! USA! USA!

===Alien Invasion===
:''[Drake turns on the radio while Josh is doing homework]''
:'''Josh''': Hey! Hey!
:'''Drake''': Oh, hey. Want some sandwich?
:'''Josh''': No! I'm trying to do my homework. Could you turn that off?!
:'''Drake''': ''[takes out his guitar and starts singing in blues]'' Oh cranky Josh, he is getting so cranky, so very cranky. ''[Josh brakes his pencil]'' And now he brakes things. Somebody could call to the pencil repayment.
:'''Josh''': DUDE!!! Would you please stop that improvisation of blues tune? Don't you have homework to do?
:'''Drake''': My homework's already been taken care of. ''[gives his note to Josh]''
:'''Josh''': ''[reading Drake fake doctor's note]'' Please excuse Drake from his homework. He twisted his liver and is unable to read, write, or bathe. Yours truly, the doctor.
:'''Drake''': Wrote it myself!
:'''Josh''': Shouldn't the doctor have a name?
:'''Drake''': Oh, yes. Here, gimme that. Bob! &quot;Bob, the Doctor&quot;. Yeah?
:'''Josh''': Oh yeah, yeah! That is perfect!
:'''Drake''': Cool!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Josh''': Hey, she out there?
:'''Drake''': Yep, she keeps looking up in the sky wondering where the aliens are.
:'''Josh''': Perfect, alright. Come here, now this is the ham radio.
:'''Drake''': Mmm, ham radio.
:'''Josh''': Now we just talk into this mic and we sound like aliens.
:'''Drake''': Oh cool gimme it. Bonjour Si' te plait. ''[Josh takes the mic]''
:'''Josh''': We're supposed to sound like we're from outer space, NOT PARIS!
:'''Drake''': You know there's a way to correct people nicely. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:'''Megan''': Hello? Hello? Who's out there? Hello? ''[hears alien nosies]'' Who said that? ''[Drake and Josh, disguised as aliens, comes through the fence gate towards her]'' Leave me alone! You'd better not eat my face! Stay away! ''[falls backwards; screams]'' What are you doing? ''[the &quot;aliens&quot; pause]'' What are you gonna do? 
:'''Drake and Josh''': ''[exchange looks]'' Dance. ''[dance in victory]'' Gotcha! ''[chest bump]'' 
:'''Megan''': What? ''[D&amp;J take off their masks]'' Drake, Josh!?

===Dr. Phyllis Show===
:''[Megan comes in Drake and Josh's room while Drake and Josh are still arguing together]''
:'''Megan''': Hey! Hey! HEY!
:'''Josh''': What?
:'''Megan''': It is 11:45 PM and I am a little girl. Little girls are suppose to be asleep by 11:45 PM. Now, this is the third night in a row that you clowns kept me up in a fight. ''[Drake and Josh began fighting]'' HEY! Here! ''[gives Drake and Josh tickets]''
:'''Josh''': What are these?
:'''Megan''': Tickets to the ''Dr. Phyllis Show''. You guys are both going tomorrow after school. The topic is Bickering Brothers. Now, I'm going to go back to sleep and I don't want to hear another sound from this room. ''[leaves Drake and Josh's room]'' 
:'''Drake''': I'm not going on her show. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[after all of Drake and Josh's flashbacks from the previous episodes we're shown]''
:'''Dr. Phyllis''': Unbelievable!
:'''Drake and Josh''': I know.
:'''Dr. Phyllis''': Bickering is one thing, but you two should be ashamed of yourselves for allowing it to escalate to physical confutations.  
:'''Josh''': No! I will not share the blame here. I am the victim of this relationship.
:'''Drake''': How are you the victim?
:'''Josh''': You always take advantage of me.
:'''Drake''': Ha!
:'''Dr. Phyllis''': Drake, come on honestly. Do you ever take advantage of Josh just a little bit?
:'''Josh''': Well, but not just me. He takes advantage of everyone.
:'''Drake''': Oh, name one time.
:'''Josh''': Okay, uhh. That girl Liza.
:'''Drake''': Hot Liza?
:'''Josh''': Yeah, you totally dated her just to get your old girlfriend back.
:'''Drake''': That's an exasperation!
:'''Josh''': Exaggeration, read a book, would ya!? 
:'''Drake''': No!
:'''Dr. Phyllis''': Josh, tell me a little bit more about Drake and this girl hot Liza.
:'''Josh''': I'm glad, too. See, Drake could have just broken up with this girl Tori. But he wanted her back. So, he thought to make her jealous by making out with this hot girl Liza.
:'''Dr. Phyliss''': Drake, is this story true?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, but I totally learned my lesson. Let me tell ya, Liza Tupper, worst kisser ever!
:'''Josh''': I have heard that.
:'''Dr. Phyllis''': Liza Tupper?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, and she's not the smartest won-ton on the poo-poo platter either if you know what I'm saying!
:'''Dr. Phyllis''': You're saying she's dumb?
:'''Drake''': And a bad kisser!
:'''Dr. Phyllis''': ''[anger rising]'' Liza Tupper happens to be my daughter!
:'''Drake''': ''[gets up]'' Oh, this is awkward.
:''[Dr. Phyllis gets up and gets mad at Drake as she attacks him, then attacks Josh when he tries to stop her]'' 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:'''Drake''': Alright, a toast, to the best brother I've ever had. 
:'''Josh''': Back at ya, brother.

==External links==

{{wikipedia|Drake &amp; Josh}}

[[Category:Drake &amp; Josh seasons]]
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:'''Seasons:'''  [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 1|1]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 2|2]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 3|3]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 4|4]] | [[Drake &amp; Josh|Main]]
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'''''[[w:Drake &amp; Josh|Drake &amp; Josh]]''''' is an American television sitcom created by Dan Schneider for Nickelodeon. The series follows the lives of two teenage boys with opposite personalities, Drake Parker (Drake Bell) and Josh Nichols (Josh Peck), who are stepbrothers.

===Josh Runs Into Oprah===
:''[Megan opens up Josh's birthday cake]''
:'''Josh''': You made me a birthday cake?
:'''Megan''': Uh-huh. Mom gave me the recipe. I think it turned out pretty good. There.
:'''Josh''': Wow! This is really full of poison, isn't it?
:'''Megan''': No!
:'''Josh''': No, what then, huh, huh, huh, hot sauce some kind of extreme laxident?
:'''Megan''': Oh, c'mon! I wouldn't let you eat a cake that make you sick on your birthday.
:'''Josh''': I'm sorry.
:'''Megan''': It's okay. Make a wish. ''[Josh blows out the birthday candles from his cake as it exploded and he turns around to Megan as he had cake pieces on his face when she pranked him]'' I didn't say it wouldn't explode!
:'''Josh''': I don't blame you so much for doing it, as I blame myself for not anticipating it.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:'''Drake''': Hey, WATCH IT, WATCH IT!!! ''[Josh screams]'' 
:''[Oprah screams as they accidentally hit her and she jumps onto the front of their car and slides off, much to Josh's horror]'' 
:'''Woman''': OPRAH!!! Oh, my god! Oprah! Somebody call for help! 
:'''Josh''': I RAN OVER OPRAH!!! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Josh angrily comes home from the hospital after Drake pranked the whole hospital thinking Josh has a virus, which in return, causes him to get a chemical bath]''
:'''Drake''': Hey, man.
:'''Josh''': ''HEY, MAN''?!
:'''Drake''': Hey... man?
:'''Josh''': You left me at hospital to be chemicaLY bathed!
:'''Drake''': Oh, yeah, how'd it go?
:'''Josh''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, actually, it was quite soothing especially the part where they...OH, IT WAS HORRIBLE!!
:'''Drake''': Kay, what up with the 'tude?
:'''Josh''': D'you know what its like to get an involuntry chemical bath? it stings...''EVERYWHERE''!
:'''Drake''': Alright, look. Tell you what, I'm going to make up to you, okay?
:'''Josh''': No. Okay, no you're not, because that's when the badness happens. The only time you do anything nice to me is after you caused me some kind of physical damage or emotional distress! You are never going to make up anything to me ever again!
:'''Drake''': Wait, do these sound okay to you? ''[Drake plays his Bongos for Josh to try to cheer him up, but Josh rips the taped up Bongos then leaves]'' Would you bring me the hot glue gun?
:'''Josh''': NOT REALLY! ''[slams the door]''

===Vicious Tiberius===
:''[Drake and Josh found out that their dad did not answer the phone because he was working out at home singing]''
:'''Drake''': Well?
:'''Josh''': No answer.
:'''Drake''': You probably dialed the wrong number. Let me see it--
:'''Josh''': No, I think I know our own number.
:'''Drake''': Dude, just let me try-- ''[he and Josh both fight with Josh's phone and it lands in the toilet]'' Nice! ''[sees Josh's phone in the toilet]''
:'''Josh''': It's your fault. Go get it.
:'''Drake''': I'm not putting my hand in there! That's where Mrs. Hayfer pees!
:'''Josh''': Probably doesn't even work anymore.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, well, let's see. ''[flushes Josh's phone away]'' It still works.
:'''Josh''': I knew the toilet still worked, Drake. I MEANT MY PHONE!
:'''Drake''': Oh, well, that's gone.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Megan''': ''[offscreen]'' Hello? Anybody home?
:'''Josh''': Who's that?
:'''Drake''': It sounds like Megan.
:'''Megan''': ''[offscreen]'' Drake? Josh?
:'''Josh''': That ''is'' Megan, how does she know? Oh, no, she's outside with Tiberius!
:'''Drake''': Oh, he'll eat her alive!
:'''Josh''': C'mon! ''[tries to open the door but Drake puts his foot on the door]'' Dude!
:'''Drake''': ''[blocks the door]'' Well, just 'cause she gets eaten, doesn't mean we have to.
:'''Josh''': That's our little sister out there, we've gotta help her!
:'''Drake''': Alright.
:'''Josh''': C'mon. ''[he and Drake come out of the bathroom and see Megan in the living room to reveal that Tiberius is behaving as he loud whispers]'' Megan! Run!
:'''Megan''': I don't wanna run.
:'''Drake''': ''[loud whisper]'' But he's vicious.
:'''Megan''': Yeah, he's real vicious. Ooh, down, boy. You're so scary.
:''[Drake and Josh walk by to her]''
:'''Josh''': I don't get it. Well, he's all calm.
:'''Drake''': Evil dog, evil girl. Makes perfect sense.
:'''Megan''': Where have you two been? You were supposed to pick me up two hours ago.
:'''Josh''': How'd you know we were here?
:'''Megan''': Dad said you were stopping here and then picking me up, which you didn't.
:'''Josh''': We couldn't.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, we were trapped here by this demon dog.
:'''Megan''': What're you talking about?
:'''Josh''': When you're not around, he goes all berserk and tries to kill us.
:'''Megan''': Really?
:'''Drake and Josh''': Yeah/Uh-huh.
:'''Megan''': ''[satisfied]'' See ya.
:''[after Megan leaves the house, Tiberius traps Drake and Josh in the bathroom again]''

===The Wedding===
:''[Opening comments: Drake and Josh talk about how unpleasant their great aunt Catherine is and both are in agreement that she is quite unpleasant]''
:'''Josh''': So, me and Drake have this Great Aunt Catherine.
:'''Drake''': Have you ever met my Great Aunt Catherine? No? Well, hey. Lucky you.
:'''Josh''': She's almost 90 years old.
:'''Drake''': She's like 90,000 years old.
:'''Josh''': She's not nice!
:'''Drake''': She is mean. ''[gets closer to the viewers]'' Mean to the ''bone''!
:'''Josh''': Something's not right about Aunt Catherine.
:'''Drake''': She collects hair... from people she doesn't even know well!
:'''Josh''': Oh, and get this.
:'''Drake and Josh''': Aunt Catherine's getting married!
:'''Josh''': I mean, who wants to get married at 89 years old?
:'''Drake''': You know, Josh and I disagree on a lot of stuff, but I bet he hates Aunt Catherine just as much as I do.
:'''Josh''': I wonder if Drake hates Aunt Catherine as much as I do. ''[turns to Drake]'' Do ya?
:'''Drake''': Totally.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Josh''': Why are you in such a hurry?
:'''Drake''': 'Cause I want Aunt Catherine's beach house, bad.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, so do I.
:'''Drake''': Well, we can't be late for the wedding, and we have to pick up the cake.
:'''Josh''': Dude, we got plenty of time, alright? Just as long as we get to the bakery before... ''[notices his laptop case gone]'' Hey, have you seen my laptop case? I thought I left it right here.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, I gave it to Craig and Eric.
:'''Josh''': You... You what?!
:'''Drake''': They told me you said it was cool.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, I said it was cool for 'em to borrow my computer, but why'd you give them the whole case? It had my cell phone in it and my keys to Mom's SUV! Now we have no car!
:'''Drake''': Well, I'll just call Craig and Eric and tell them to come back.
:'''Josh''': No, we can't. They don't have cell phones.
:'''Drake''': Why?
:'''Josh''': 'Cause Papa Nichols threw Eric's against the wall and broke it, and Craig's mom thinks cell phones cause ear sores!
:'''Drake''': Craig does get a lot of ear sores.
:'''Josh''': Look, we cannot be late to this wedding!
:'''Drake''': Right, okay, um... Trevor!
:'''Josh''': What about Trevor?
:'''Drake''': We'll borrow his car.
:'''Josh''': His girlfriend sleeps in it.
:'''Drake''': No, they broke up. She sleeps in some other guy's car now.
:'''Josh''': I don't wanna go to a wedding in Trevor's El Camino, it's old and gross.
:'''Drake''': So is Aunt Catherine.
:'''Josh''': Drake, if we--
:'''Drake''': Look, it runs, and the wedding cake will fit in the back. And the most important thing is it'll get us there on time. ''[starts calling Trevor on the phone]'' 

===Mindy Loves Josh===
:'''Josh''': What do you want?
:'''Megan''': There's a couple of guys outside stealing  your bike.
:'''Josh''': Oh I just moved the chain, HANDS OFF MY RIDE! ''[runs outside]'' Hey!
:'''Mindy''': Maybe, I should have call the police.
:'''Megan''': Nah, no ones stealing his bike.
:'''Mindy''': What did you tell him that for? You got him all upset for nothing.
:'''Megan''': Yeah. 

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
Megan: What are you eating? 
Drake: Big cookie. 

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
Josh: Mindy, I am in the process of becoming a woman, so I worried… 
Drake: JOSH!!! OH, MY GOD, JOSH!!!! 
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Megan comes inside Drake and Josh's room and tells Drake her truth after making his hands green (when she saw Drake eating her cookie)]''
:'''Drake''': Oh, it's you. Close the door!
:'''Megan''': ''[closes the door and walks up to Drake]'' What's going on?
:'''Drake''': Swear not to tell mom and dad?
:'''Megan''': Swear.
:'''Drake''': Well, I've have this rare skin disease called dermatameculitis.
:'''Megan''': ''[gasps]'' Oh my god! Are you okay?
:'''Drake''': I will be. See, I read online that you can cure it by soaking in zipholic acid which is in lizard pee.
:'''Megan''': Or you know there is another cure.
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Megan''': Next time, don't eat my big cookie.
:'''Drake''': What are you saying?
:'''Megan''': I tricked you into thinking you have a rare skin disease by dying your hands and feet green while you slept and that you were stupid enough to actually fall for it and stick your hands and feet in buckets in lizard pee. That what I'm saying.
:'''Drake''': Megan!
:'''Megan''': You have a little somethin' on your upper lip.
:''[Drake touches his upper lip with his green hand and suffers from it as Megan leaves his and Josh's room]''
:'''Drake''': Wait!
:'''Megan''': What?
:'''Drake''': Is it gone?
:''[Megan leaves the room]''

===Who's Got Game?===
:'''Carly''': ''[walks up to Drake]'' Help you find something?
:'''Drake''': Oh no, I got- ''[turns to see her]'' No, I got it.
:'''Carly''': Sparks, nice. Yes, I saw them live last week at &quot;The Phyton&quot;.
:'''Drake''': No way, I was there.
:'''Carly''': Oh, yeah, you were that guy in the crowd listening.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, that was me!
:'''Carly''': I was kidding.
:'''Drake''': Me, too.
:'''Carly''': Come on, I'll ring you up.
:'''Drake''': Okay.
:''[they both walk up to the cashier's desk]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Josh''': ''[walks up to Drake]'' Well, while you keep kissing your new girlfriend, I'm going to go back home and move my special pillow onto your bed.
:'''Drake''': What? ''[turns around to Josh]''
:'''Josh''': Well, I've had 22 dates this you week and you've only had one.
:'''Drake''': Okay, yeah. I guess you get my bed. Alright, you win.
:'''Josh''': I win? I GOT MORE GIRLS THAN DRAKE!! ''[laughs]'' JOSH NICHOLS IS NO LONGER A LITTLE CATERPILLAR, AH, HE IS A BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY!! ''[flaps wings for a while then stops out of embarrassment]'' See you guys at home. ''[walks away]''

===The Great Doheny===
:'''Josh''': Uh, Megan. This is Henry Doheny. I'm gonna go make him a sandwich with some crinko cup fries and you keep him company. ''[runs off to make Doheny his sandwich]''
:'''Megan''': Henry Doheny. Didn't you use to be like a really famous magician?
:'''Henry Doheny''': Hmmm. ''[pretends to think]''  Why don't you, reach into, ''[points to trash can and Megan looks at it]'' that decorative trash can and tell me.
:'''Megan''': ''[looks at him, searches through the trash-can, picks out old papers than a bunny, and gasps]'' A bunny!
:'''Henry Doheny''': Her name is Cookie, if you hold her close, she'll lick your nose.
:'''Megan''': ''[puts Cookie to her face and Cookie begins to lick her as she laughs]'' Oh my god, this is the cutest bunny I've ever seen! Can I keep her?
:'''Henry Doheny''': I insist!
:'''Megan''': Thanks! ''[goes to her room, admiring Cookie]''
:'''Henry Doheny''': ''[To Drake]'' Pick a card!
:'''Drake''': ''[picks a card]'' Now what?
:'''Henry Doheny''': Now, put it back. ''[Drake gives the card back and he takes the deck into his jacket]''
:'''Drake''': ''[looks at Doheny with a weird gaze]'' What's my card?
:'''Henry Doheny''': Cough. ''[Drake coughs out a card]'' Open it. ''[Drake does so and Doheny isn't even looking]'' Is that your card?
:'''Drake''': Yeah. Please do me a favor and don't make things come outta my body.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Walter''': ''[looking himself in the mirror after Doheny made him bald]'' Ahh! Check me out! I'm bald. ''[leaving the room]'' Honey, Mr. Doheny made me bald!

===I Love Sushi===
:'''Josh''': ''[presses record button on video camera remote for filming contest entry video]'' Dear pump my room, this is our living room.
:'''Drake''': A room, in which we live. 
:'''Josh''': Um, we really wish we'd win this makeover.
:'''Drake''': But not for us.
:'''Josh''': For our parents.
:'''Drake''': We call them, &quot;Mom and Dad&quot;.
:'''Josh''': You see, my dad married his mom almost five years ago.
:'''Drake''': I am still in shock.
:'''Josh''': And soon, it'll be their fifth anniversary.
:'''Drake''': ''[sheepishly]'' Still in shock.
:'''Josh''': Now, we can't afford to buy them anything fancy.
:'''Drake''': So we pray that you wonderful people at Pump my Room choose us.
:'''Josh''': Eh, our parents.
:'''Drake''': For the special gift, of a room makeover. ''[desperately]'' Please.
:'''Josh''': ''[desperately]'' Please. ''[Drake and Josh both embrace each other, drake grabs for the remote to end the video recording]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Josh''': Okay, mom and dad. Here it comes.
:'''Drake''': Who's ready to go inside?
:'''Audrey''': What is up with you guys?
:'''Walter''': Yeah, you kept us out all day driving all over the city.
:'''Drake''': Get ready. ''[he opens the door as he, Josh, Walter, and Audrey come inside the house]''
:'''Drake and Josh''': HAPPY ANNIVERS- ''[they turn on the lights to reveal that the furniture in the living room has been stolen]'' -''[lamely]'' sery.
:'''Walter''': Drake?
:'''Audrey''': Josh!
:'''Walter''': Where's our stuff?
:'''Josh''': We've been robbed!
:'''Drake''': ''[curious]'' Surprise!
:''[Walter and Audrey both get shocked after all of the furniture from the living room disappeared]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Drake Parker. Josh Nichols. ''[Drake and Josh come in Mr. Nadel's office]'' What do you want?
:'''Josh''': We understand that you give people temporary jobs?
:'''Mr. Nadel''': So?
:'''Josh''': And we'd like one.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': And I'd like to meet with another woman who doesn't change her phone number after the first date.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, well good luck with that.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Ok, what are your skills?
:'''Drake''': I play guitar and date girls.
:'''Josh''': Well, I'm an honor student. I'm pretty good with magic tricks, I can cook. Oh, in the 5th grade I was vote most polite child-
:'''Mr. Nadel''': ''[yells]'' NO! THAT'S ENOUGH! ''[in a normal voice]'' Well, let's see, I've got men's room attendant, ditch digger, or you could clean up after elephants at the zoo?
:'''Drake''': Wow, they all sound so wonderful.
:'''Josh''': Do you gave any jobs that are, you know... not repulsive?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, and we want one that pays a lot.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Sure, and I wanna meet a woman who doesn't change her phone number after the first date.
:'''Josh''': You already said that.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': ''[yelling]'' WELL IT HAPPENS EVERY TIME! I MEAN WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!
:'''Drake''': We just want jobs.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Alright look, I got two jobs working the line at a fish factory. Not glamorous enough for you?
:'''Josh''': Well, what would we have to do?
:'''Mr. Nadel''': You'd be assembling packages of sushi for distribution to local supermarkets. Pays 18 bucks an hour. Each.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, we'll take it.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Good. Happy. Happy. Here's the address. Be there Saturday morning 8:00.
:'''Drake:''' 8:00?
:'''Josh''': We'll be there.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Yeah, yeah.
:''[Drake and Josh leave Mr. Nadel's office; Nadel types in numbers on his phone from a piece of paper]''
:'''Phone''': The number you have reached has been disconnected
:'''Mr. Nadel''': ''[bangs on desk]'' EVERY TIME! Stupid lotion! ''[knocks a bottle of lotion on the floor]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': Look man, we tried our best I can't think of anything else...
:''[Drake and Josh realize they're sitting on the couch and feel it to make sure they're not dreaming Josh looks around and sees everything back in the living room]''
:'''Josh''': The Furniture's back!
:'''Drake''': We did it!
:'''Josh''': We didn't do anything!
:'''Audrey''': Howdy, boys.
:'''Walter''': Surprised?
:'''Josh''': Yeah! How'd you get our furniture back?
:'''Audrey''': The police found the robbers moving van.
:'''Walter''': It was broken down about a half a mile up the street.
:'''Drake''': And they found everything?
:'''Walter''': Yep.
:'''Audrey''': It's all here. ''[smells rotten stench on Drake and Josh]'' Do I smell rotting sushi?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, it's a long story.
:'''Josh''': Uh see we...
:'''Walter''': ''[cuts Josh off at mid sentence]'' We don't want to know.

===The Storm===
:''[Drake hits Eric in the chest and notices Lucy]''
:'''Eric''': Ow.
:'''Drake''': That's Lucy, my ex-girlfriend. Josh invited my ex-girlfriend?
:'''Eric''': Well, yeah. When we were going over the gas list, Josh said you and Lucy were still friends.
:'''Drake''': Well, we are, but I invited Carly. I can't have my current girlfriend and my ex-girlfriend at the same party. You want the universe to explode? Man, what am I gonna--? ''[hits Eric in the chest again and notices Christine]'' 
:'''Eric''': Ow!
:'''Drake''': Christine? How many of my ex-girlfriends are here?
:'''Eric''': Just those two. I hope. Or else I'm gonna need chest replacement surgery!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': ''[after being on the phone with Josh]'' That was Josh.
:'''Julio''': They cancelled the concert?
:'''Drake''': The whole stage is underwater.
:'''Gary''': My uncle's got a boat!
:'''Drake''': That's great, Gary. Why don't ya climb into your uncle's boat and SAIL OFF TO MORON ISLAND?!!! 

&lt;hr width=“50%”&gt; 
Crazy Steve: C’MON, DORA!!!

===My Dinner with Bobo===
:''[Drake and Josh and Megan get a car]''
:'''Megan''': ''[looking at a car with tattooed flowers]'' Oh my god! I love this car! Let's buy this one!
:'''Drake''': Shall we harmonize?
:'''Josh''': Let's.
:'''Drake and Josh''': ''[singing]'' No!
:'''Megan''': Dad said I can help pick out the car.
:'''Drake''': Uh yes. And thank you for helping us decide we're not getting this one.
:'''Megan''': Don't push me.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': ''[appears and gets out of his cart]'' Well now, let me guess! You folks are looking for a car.
:'''Josh''': Hey, you're Stan the Car Man.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': The very same.
:'''Josh''': I know, I love your commercials. You need a car, you need a truck, you need a van! Come see Stan the Car Man!
:'''Drake''': Who sells trucks and vans.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': I don't like it when people imitate me.
:'''Josh''': I'm sorry.
:'''Drake''': I'm also sorry. ''[points at a monkey]'' Hey, Bobo! Aw, I love this guy! ''[picks up Bobo]''
:'''Stan the Car Man''': He seems to have taken a liking to you too!
:'''Drake''': Aw, he's awesome.
:'''Megan''': Yeah, maybe he can tutor you in math.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': How much were you boys hoping to spend in this vehicle?
:'''Drake''': About $2400.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': $2400. About what car did you had in mind?
:'''Josh''': Something safe.
:'''Drake''': Something fast.
:'''Josh''': Gets good mileage.
:'''Drake''': It's gotta have satellite radio.
:'''Josh''': Heated seats would be nice.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': Huh?
:'''Josh''': I get cold down there.
:'''Megan''': Look! No one is interested in your butt temperature problems.
:'''Josh''': Dr. Fish bum is.
:'''Drake''': Look, can you just show us something we can afford?
:'''Stan the Car Man''': Well, I surely can. Right over there!
:'''Josh''': Alright.
:'''Drake''': Come on. ''[he and Josh walk away]''
:'''Stan the Car Man''': Butt temperature problems?
:'''Megan''': He's a mess. ''[she and Stan the Car Man walk away too]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake and Josh come inside Dr. Favershim's apartment to rescue Bobo]''
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Come in.
:'''Drake''': We are in.
:'''Josh''': Yeah. And we want Bobo back.
:'''Dr. Favershim''': I'm sorry, we had a deal. $10,000 for your delicious friends.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, well deal's off.
:'''Josh''': So just take your check back and give us Bobo.
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Are you sure?
:'''Josh''': Absolutely.
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Very well, Bobo is in the back of the closet right over there. You may fetch him.
:'''Josh''': Back of the closet?
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Good.
:'''Josh''': Come on dude, let's go get him.
:'''Drake''': Whoa? Is he in here?
:'''Josh''': Perhaps.
:'''Drake''': In the coat, where is he?
:''[when Dr. Favershim locked Drake and Josh in the closet so he could eat Bobo, Drake and Josh yell inside the closet in order to get out after Dr. Favershim pranked them]''
:'''Dr. Favershim''': I'm sorry boys, but I can't let you interfere with my dinner plans. ''[takes off the curtain off of Bobo's cage]'' Hello, little friend. I hope you have good taste.
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' You open the door or we're gonna call the cops!
:'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' Yeah, we have a cellphone in here!
:'''Dr. Favershim''': You have no cellphone.
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Do too!
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Prove it.
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' How?
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Play me a ringtone.
:''[Josh plays a ringtone on his phone from the closet]''
:'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' See? I told ya we got a cellphone!
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Does it have Bluetooth?
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' What?!?!
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Your cellphone, does it have Bluetooth?
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Ya, dude it has Bluetooth.
:'''Dr. Favershim''': I don't believe you. Show me.
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Fine! Open the door! ''[Dr. Favershim opens door]'' See, Bluetooth! Ha, ha! ''[Dr. Favershim pushes Josh back in the closet, takes his phone, and locks the door again]'' What?! Oh, man!
:'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' Oh, nice goin', Bluetooth!
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Don't start with me! ''[Josh slaps Drake off-screen]''
:'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' Ow!
:''[Dr. Favershim cuts slices of a carrot and takes a bite and walks up to Bobo to eat a piece, too]'' 

===Tree House===
:''[Drake and Josh are trapped inside Robbie's treehouse when they're trying to rebuild it]''
:'''Josh''': Drake…? 
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Josh''': Where's the door hole?
:'''Drake''': It goes right there, see? I drew it with a magic marker.
:'''Josh''': You were supposed to cut it out with the power saw!
:'''Drake''': Dude, I'm gonna!
:'''Josh''': Oh, really?
:'''Drake''': Yes!
:'''Josh''': So go get the power saw.
:'''Drake''': Okay, I will! ''[tries to walk through the wall where the painted door is]'' I see the problem…. 
:'''Josh''': Oh, do ya?!

&lt;hr width=50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Megan refuses to let Drake and Josh out of the Robbie's tree house because she is angry that they made her miss her friend Janie's birthday party]''
:'''Megan''': ''[walks to Drake with a snow cone]'' Hey boob.
:'''Drake''': Where you've been?
:'''Megan''': I told you I was about to get a snow cone.
:'''Drake''': Okay, well now that you have one, can you please hand up the power saw so we can get out of here?
:'''Megan''': Let me think, no!
:'''Drake''': Listen to me! You make us miss our dates with those two hot identical twins. I swear- ''[Josh grabs him]''
:'''Josh''': Hey!
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Josh''': We don't need that power saw!
:'''Drake''': Then how are we gonna get out of here?
:'''Josh''': ''[grabs the power screwdriver]'' Power screwdriver! We just need to unscrew one of these walls and boom we are out!
:'''Drake''': Do it brother!
:'''Josh''': Okay. ''[he power screws the door but realized it's dead]'' Set this baby to reverse.
:'''Drake''': Why'd it stop?
:'''Josh''': I don't know. The screwdriver- ''[looks outside the window thinking that Megan unplugged it]'' MEGAN!
:'''Megan''': ''[satisfied; after she unplugged the power screwdriver]'' Yes, can I help you? 

===Josh is Done===
:'''Drake''': C'mon, let's play ping-pong!
:'''Josh''': Alright. I'll play if it'll stop you from yapping.
:'''Drake''': And the battle begins! ''[rings bell]'' Ohh, my worthy opponent. Are you prepared to ping the pong?
:'''Josh''': Wahahaha. I am prepared, young sedgewan. Your pong is no match for my ping!
:'''Drake''': Ahh, do your worst! ''[he and Josh play ping-pong until Josh's paddle flies out of his hand and out the window, to Josh’s horror]'' You have smashed the window of transparency!
:'''Josh''': ''[runs to the broken window]'' Aw, man! Mom and dad are gonna kill me!
:'''Drake''': Oh, probably. Come on, let's finish the game.
:'''Josh''': I don't have a paddle!
:'''Drake''': Oh, there's an extra one downstairs, be back in a sec.
:'''Josh''': We can't be late for this-
:'''Drake''': I'll be back in a few seconds, you can study while I'm gone. ''[gives Josh the book and leaves the room]''
:'''Josh''': I don't think it leaves us enough- ''[opens the book a reads a page]'' What is the atomic weight of beryllium? 9.01. ''[yells]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Josh''': ''[All sweaty from running all the way to class after Drake left him behind, bumps into the door]'' PLEASE! PLEASE, LEMME IN!! I AM SORRY I'M LATE! ''[Drake looks at him from his desk]''
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Opens the door]'' Mr. Nichols, you know the rule. 
:'''Josh''': B-But you don't understand. You see, I was just about to- 
:'''Mr. Roland''': I understand that you are late, and when you're late to my class, you're not welcomed in my class. 
:'''Josh''': Uh, b-but w-what about the exam? 
:'''Mr. Roland''': You will take a make-up exam next Saturday morning at 6AM, and you will be marked down 1 letter grade! 
:'''Josh''': ''[Very upset and despairing]'' Oh, no. No-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh!!! ''[Points at Drake angrily]'' YOU!
:'''Drake''': ''[Defensively]'' What? 
:'''Josh''': ''[Yells and runs in the classroom to attack Drake, only to be held back by the other students, while Drake stares]'' COME HERE! COME HERE, YOU WANNA TUSSLE!? LET'S GO!! LET ME CLOSER!!! 
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[enraged]'' Mr. Nichols! Mr. Nichols, you will leave this classroom NOW! 
:'''Josh''': But- 
:'''Mr. Roland''': NOW! 
:'''Josh''': I- 
:'''Mr. Roland''': NOW! 
:'''Josh''': ''[defeated]'' Now...? ''[Leaves the classroom as Mr. Roland locks the classroom door, as Josh continues trying to plead his case]'' Now, if you would just allow me to explain, OH!!! ''[Mr. Roland yanks down the door window shade]''
:'''Mr. Roland''': As I was saying, you will have 55 minutes to complete your exams. ''[Mr. Roland walks over to the classroom windows to close the blinds as Josh from outside still tries to plead his case.]'' You will use a #2 pencil.
:'''Josh''': ''[Sobbing]'' Your so hard! 
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Closes first blind]'' Not #1, not #3.
:'''Josh''': ''[Still sobbing]'' So unbelievably hard!
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Closes second blind]'' If you have any questions during the exams, don’t ask them!
:'''Josh''': ''[Still sobbing]'' I really do, I give everything a hundred…
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Closes last blind]'' I want silence in this classroom! Silence, is golden.
:'''Josh''': ''[Freaks out]'' Nooo! Nah! Nah! Nah! Nah!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Drake''': ''[Gets home after the exam (which he failed most likely) and takes Robbie's sit-n-bounce just to get Josh over his rage, still not caring about making him late earlier despite wanting to have fun together]'' Hey, Josh. What goes on? 
:'''Josh''': Just readin' my book. 
:'''Drake''': ''[signs]'' Look, I'm sorry about this morning. You know, but Kat called and wanted to make out, and, you know, Kat. 
:'''Josh''': ''[Knowing that Drake's apology is fake]'' Yes, yes. She's very pretty. 
:'''Drake''': Alright, you're still mad. But you won't be for long, 'cause I got you your very own sit-n-bounce! ''[Josh says nothing]'' Sit-n-bounce!  
:'''Josh''': No, thanks. 
:'''Megan''': Doesn't that kid Robbie next door have a sit-n-bounce just like that? 
:'''Drake''': No! No. And, c'mon, have you ever sat and bounced before? You can't be upset when you're sittin' and bouncin'. ''[plays with it. Josh closes his book and gets up, Drake bounces in front of him]'' 
:'''Josh''': Would you please move?
:'''Drake''': ''[stop bouncing]'' Look, dude, I said I was sorry.
:'''Josh''': Oh, I heard you.
:'''Drake''': Well, stop being mad at me.
:'''Josh''': I'm not mad at you. I'm done.
:'''Drake''': What's that supposed to mean?
:'''Josh''': I don't want anything to do with you anymore.
:'''Drake''': So what, are you gonna move out?
:'''Josh''': No, this is a house where I live, and I guess we'll be roommates until the day I leave for college. But that's all we'll be, is roommates. I'm done with you. ''[walks away, leaving Drake concerned]'' 
:'''Megan''': Whoa! 
:'''Drake''': What? 
:'''Megan''': You really did it this time. 
:'''Drake''': Oh, c'mon, ya know how many times Josh has been ''furious'' with me? Uh, he'll pout for a day or 2, and then he'll get over it. 
:'''Megan''': I dunno, he sounded pretty serious. 
:'''Drake''': Trust me. Alright, I know Josh, and there's no way he's gonna keep this up- 
:'''Robbie''': ''[walks in]'' I knew it! I knew you took my sit-n-bounce! ''[kicks Drake in the leg and takes his sit-n-bounce back]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''[Without Josh, Drake begins suffering bad luck, while Josh's life improves with more good luck than ever, even passing his make-up exam and getting his grade back up]'' 
:'''Drake''': ''[arrives at the Primere ]'' Hello, Josh.
:'''Josh''': Hi, Drake.
:'''Craig''': Why are you all sweaty?
:'''Drake''': I'm all sweaty because I ran out of gas and I had to walk all the way here because SOMEBODY forgot to fill up the car!
:'''Josh''': It's not my responsibility to fill the car with gas.
:'''Drake''': You always fill up the car!
:'''Josh''': Used to, now I put in just enough gas for myself.
:'''Drake''': Well, good! You know, good for you! I DON'T NEED YOUR GAS! And just so you know, I'm gonna go see a movie right now and I don't need a free ticket from you cause mom paid me 10 bucks to get out of the house! So I don't need you for ANYTHING!
:'''Leah''': Movie tickets here are $11.
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Eric''': And popcorn and soda are gonna cost you another 6 or 7.
:'''Drake''': D'oh! You know what? I'm not even gonna buy a ticket, I'm just going in. Right, just going right in! ''[yells at ticket checker employee, he stubbornly walks into theater 7]'' 
:'''Josh''': ''[clears throat, grabs the communicator]'' Security, we have a problem in theater 7: male Caucasian, sweaty, wearing a gray sweatshirt. ''[beeps]'' So what's the difference between a hoagie and a submarine sandwich? 
:'''Steve''': I always thought a hoagie was a hot sandwich, and a submarine could be served hot or cold. 
:'''Craig''': No, I think it's the other way around. 
:'''Eric''': Okay, but what's a grinder? 
:'''Leah''': Same thing as a hoagie. 
:'''Drake''': ''[getting dragged by the security guards]'' Hey! Hey! Let go, let go! Josh, Josh! Tell them to let me go! Josh, Josh! Tell them! Tell them! Look this way, I know this guy, I know this guy. Ask him, ask him. 
:'''Security Guard''': Is this guy a friend of yours? 
:''[pause]''
:'''Josh''': ''[satisfied]'' No, he's not. 
:'''Drake''': ''[frustrated]'' Josh!! Oh. You're gonna regret this, Josh! You need me! YOU NEED ME!!! 
:'''Josh''': So, hoagie and grinder same thing, huh? 
:'''Leah, Steve, Eric, &amp; Craig''': ''[All talking at once in agreement]'' Yes./That's right./Uh-huh./Yeah. 
:'''Steve''': All in the sandwich family.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': ''[After being switched with another lab partner named Clayton, messes up his science experiment, causing green water to flow and spill over his hand]'' Whoa-whoa! Hey-hey! What's happening, what's happening!? Oh-okay-okay-okay! Arms tingling, arms tingling! 
:'''Craig''': Chemical emergency! ''[Turns on the alarm]'' 
:'''Mr. Roland''': Let's get him in the power-shower! ''[Grabs Drake and carries him into the chemical shower, as Josh watches in shock]'' 
:'''Drake''': Hey-hey! Watch it, will you-!? What is this!? ''[Roki shuts the door, Mr. Roland turns on the water]'' What are you, what are you-!? AAA-OOHHHH!!!! ''[Starts yelling as the water stingingly washes off the chemicals]''  
:'''Mr. Roland''': Drake, are you alright? 
:'''Drake''': Hey! What is this water!? Ow! ''[Continues yelling as everybody, including Josh, watches]'' 
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Drake has just been in the chemical shower, turns off the water]'' Drake, you may come out now. ''[Drake comes out, all soaked and groaning]'' Sit down, Drake. ''[Drake ignores him, walks towards the door]'' Drake, sit down!
:'''Drake''': No!
:'''Mr. Roland''': Drake!
:'''Drake''': Josh!
:'''Josh''': What?
:'''Drake''': Look, I'm sorry.
:'''Josh''': Well--
:'''Drake''': Look, let me finish, okay? I was wrong, okay? I was wrong.
:'''Josh''': What d'you mean?
:'''Drake''': I-I need you more than you need me. Uh, I-I need you ''way more'' than you need me, a-alright? I'm sorry. M-Man, I'm sorry I made you late for your exam, and I'm sorry I ran over your bike, and I, uh-- I-I'm sorry, I'm probably the worst brother in the world! And y-you know, you're way better off without me, you know? I just-- I just need you to understand that-- uh, I just-- Sorry, Josh, I'm sorry. ''[tearfully walks out of the classroom, leaving Josh stunned]''
:'''Mr. Roland''': Josh, would you like to go talk to Drake?
:'''Josh''': ''[realizes he has gone a little too far for cutting Drake out of his life, seeing how he learned his lesson the hard way]'' No. No, sir.
:'''Mr. Roland''': Alright. Class, let's get back to our experiments. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[As Drake miserably tries to play ping-pong alone, Josh runs in with a kung fu yell, ready to forgive his brother]''
:'''Josh''': Hoaw! We have unfinished business, young sedgewan. 
:'''Drake''': Josh…. 
:'''Josh''': Wa-cho! You will address me only as Master Mon-googoo. ''[Drake cheers up as Josh picks up his paddle]'' 
:'''Drake''': Your words, they are strong. Uh, but your skills are weak!
:'''Josh''': Your foolishness, young sedgewan, has sealed your fate! 
:'''Drake''': Aw, destiny is mine! ''[They play ping-pong ball together and reconcile again happily as the episode ends]''

===Eric Punches Drake===
:'''Mr. Roland''': Josh, Mindy. The new chemistry books just arrived. They're in my classroom. 
:'''Mindy''': No way! 
:'''Josh''': Oh, come on! 
:'''Craig''': Hey, remember in Dragon to Death when Billy Chang fights Joaquin the Dream?
:'''Eric''': Remember? One does not forget the wo-cho fist of silence. ''[Tries to demonstrate, only to accidentally punch Drake in the eye and knock him out in the process]'' Oh, my god! 
:'''Craig''': Drake, are you alright!? 

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
:'''Josh''': Hey, Craig. 
:'''Craig''': Evenin'. 
:'''Josh''': Where's Eric? 
:'''Craig''': Oh, he didn't wanna come. He was afraid Drake might be mad at him 'cause he punched him in the eye. 
:'''Josh''': He's not mad. Drake, you're not mad, are you? 
:'''Drake''': Nah, I'm not mad. Craig didn't mean to hit me. 
:'''Craig''': I'M Craig! 
:'''Drake''': ''[scoffs]'' It matters. 

&lt;hr width =50%&gt; 
:''[door bell rings]'' 
:'''Josh''': Yo, Drake, get that! 
:'''Drake''': Got it. ''[opens the door and finds Mindy there]'' Oh, is it Halloween already? Aren't you a scary, little witch? 
:'''Mindy''': Oh, look at your black eye. Well, I hope it hurts.
:'''Drake''': You shebeast!
:'''Mindy''': Microbrain!
:'''Drake''': Weirdface!
:'''Mindy''': Ignoramus!
:'''Drake''': ''[beat]'' What?
:'''Mindy''': Exactly! 
:'''Chad''': Hey. 
:'''Mindy''': Oh, hey. 
:'''Chad''': Sorry, I had to park the car at the bottom of the hill. 
:'''Mindy''': Oh, no problem. Step aside. ''[both walk inside. Drake suspects Chad to be Mindy's new boyfriend and goes into the kitchen, while Josh and Craig set up the projector]'' 
:'''Drake''': JOSH! 
:'''Josh''': ''[jumps, accidentally flips the projector]'' Aw, now I gotta reset the white balance! 
:'''Drake''': No, I need to talk to you! ''[to Craig]'' Get out. ''[Craig walks out]'' 
:'''Josh''': What? 
:'''Drake''': Mindy's here.  
:'''Josh''': I know, I invited her. 
:'''Drake''': Did you invite ''him?'' ''[turns Josh's head around towards Chad]''  
:'''Josh''': Who's him? 
:'''Drake''': Her date. 
:'''Josh''': ''[shudders]'' I don't care. 
:'''Drake''': Yes, you do!

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
:'''Drake''': Hey, Clayton. 
:'''Clayton''': ''[mumbling]'' Hi. 
:''[Drake slips his mouth-wash, then takes Clayton's water bottle, spits in it, and gives it back to him (possibly as revenge for Drake's chemical incident in the previous episode), to Clayton's disgust. 3 students walk behind Drake, laughing at him]''
:'''Drake''': Hello? 
:'''Boy''': ''[sees Drake's black eye]'' It's true! 
:'''Drake''': Oh, the black eye? Yeah, a little accident. 
:'''Boy''': That's not what we heard. 
:'''Drake''': And what did you hear? 
:'''Boy''': That you're making fun of Eric's sister. 
:'''Girl''': Hey, Drake. I heard you got punched by a nerd. 
:'''Drake''': IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!!! 

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
:'''Crazy Steve''': Excuse me, Josh. 
:'''Josh''': What!? 
:'''Crazy Steve''': I notice you're stacking that candy in an angry way. 
:'''Josh''': I AM angry! Alright, Mindy's over there with her new boyfriend, rubbing him right in my face. 
:'''Crazy Steve''': I just give this a little squeeze... DON'T DRINK WHILE I'M TALKING!!!! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Craig''': ''[pops up from the trash can]'' Hello.
:'''Drake''': ''[screams]'' Craig?
:'''Craig''': Are you alone?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, I'm alone.
:'''Craig''': Good. ''[holds out a bag of pork rinds]'' Pork rind?
:'''Drake''': Sure. ''[takes a pork rind from the bag and starts eating it]'' So you're the one that sent the blimp?
:'''Craig''': That's right.
:'''Drake''': ''[concerned]'' Why would you wanna take down Eric? He's your best friend.
:'''Craig''': WAS my best friend. Now that Eric's Mr. Popular pants and has a hot girlfriend, he doesn't give a rat's hat about me!
:'''Drake''': Rat's hat?
:'''Craig''': ''[furious]'' He's forgotten that I am the one who's been his best friend since we were 7 years old! THAT I'M THE ONE WHO DRIED HIS TEARS WHEN HIS IGUANA GOT DIABETES! THAT I--  
:'''Drake''': ''[He interrupts Craig]'' OKAY, OKAY, I get it, get it, get it. Just tell me how to stop him.
:'''Craig''': Ok, but first you have to promise me something.
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Craig''': I love to sing.
:'''Drake''': ''[confused, steps aside]'' And?
:'''Craig''': And you are like a professional singer.
:'''Drake''': ''[still confused]'' You wanna sing a song with me?
:'''Craig''': I've wanted this for a long time!
:'''Drake''': Ok, ok, if you help me prove Eric's a liar, you can sing a song with me.
:'''Craig''': Excellent. Now, listen carefully. Eric, is a pacifist.
:'''Drake''': I thought he was Jewish.
:'''Craig''': A pacifist is someone who refuses to fight.
:'''Drake''': Okay...
:'''Craig''': So, if you insult Eric in front of a bunch of people, he won't fight back, and then everyone will know he was lying about standing up to you!
:'''Drake''': Uh-huh!
:'''Craig''': And then he won't be popular anymore which means he'll come crawling back to me! And don't forget our song.
:'''Drake''': I won't forget the song.
:'''Craig''': Good, I'll start practicing.
:''[Drake walks away while Craig starts singing in the dumpster behind the school's cafeteria]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': ''[he stops the argument about stacks of cards]'' Okay, you know what?! You know what?! Enough with the cards, alright?! I got big problems!
:'''Josh''': What, that Eric thing?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, he's lying to everybody and ruining my life just to make himself popular. But you know what? 
:'''Josh''': What?
:'''Drake''': I'm gonna go find Eric and punch him right in his little nerdy head!
:'''Josh''': You don't want to do that! ''[grabs him]''
:'''Drake''': Then give me a one good reason.
:'''Josh''': 'Cause it's not gonna help you! Alright? It's just gonna make you look worse or you're gonna handle these things maturely.
:'''Drake''': Kinda like you do with Mindy?!
:'''Josh''': DIFFERENT!!! ''[crosses his arms]''
:'''Drake''': It's not different?
:'''Josh''': Mindy rubbing a new boyfriend in my face is an outrage, OUTRAGE!!!
:'''Drake''': And Eric wrecking my life isn't?!
:'''Josh''': I'm not saying it's not bro, but look you gotta help me with-- ''[the doorbell interrupts them as Drake opens the door and Clayton talks to Drake and Josh about what Drake did to his water]''
:'''Clayton''': ''[worried, mumbling]'' Why?
:''[Josh points to Drake and tells him to close the door. Drake awkwardly locks the door as he and Josh cool off]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chad''': Do you guys have free refills on the ginger ale?
:'''Josh''': Oh, you want some ginger ale do you? Yeah, Chad can't get enough of his precious ginger ale!! Oh, No! Well, I'll tell you what, Chad!!! Why not call up the ginger ale headquarters and have them back up a tanker truck to your mouth!? So Chad can drink ginger ale til' there's no more ginger ale for the REST OF THE EARTH'S POPULATION!!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[after Josh becomes obnoxious that Mindy has a new boyfriend, she comes over to check on him]''
:'''Josh''': What do you except? I mean, I know we're broken up, but that doesn’t give you the right to rub your new boyfriend in my face.
:'''Mindy''': He's not my boyfriend.
:'''Josh''': Look, I don't care what you call him-
:'''Mindy''': He's my cousin.
:'''Josh''': Your cousin?
:'''Mindy''': Yeah. I'm not dating anyone. He just moved here from St. Louis, so I've been showing him around.
:'''Josh''': Why didn't you tell me that?
:'''Mindy''': I tried, you never gave me a chance.
:'''Josh''': So tonight, you were just messing with my head? 
:'''Mindy''': I think you deserved it after the way you screamed at me. 
:'''Josh''': I still think that was a really obnoxious thing for you to do! 
:'''Mindy''': I think you acted ''way'' more obnoxious. 
:'''Josh''': Well, I'm just glad we're broken up! 
:'''Mindy''': Not as glad as I am! 
:'''Josh''': Oh, really?! 
:'''Mindy''': REALLY! ''[they make out]''
:'''Josh''': We're still broken up, right?
:'''Mindy''': Definitely.
:''[they continue to make out]''

===Megan's Revenge===
:''[Drake and Josh are in Megan's room]''
:'''Drake''': Now, put Megan's camera back where you found this. Being in her room creeps me out.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, me, too. ''[looks at Megan's hamster]'' Awww. Look at Megan's hamster. He's washing his little face.
:'''Drake''': Look, let's just get out of here.
:'''Josh''': Just wait. This is too cute. I gotta get a picture of him.
:'''Drake''': Well, hurry.
:'''Josh''': Okay! Smile, Hervay. 
:''[Hervay falls down from the camera shot Josh took]''
:'''Drake''': Awww. He's playing dead.
:'''Josh''': I think he really is dead!
:'''Drake''': Oh! That hamster cannot be dead. If that hamster is dead, we're dead because Megan’s gonna kill us!
:'''Josh''': W-W-What can I do about it?
:'''Drake''': I don't know your watch o.r.! Fix him.
:'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' Okay, okay. Um, alright, I need a CBC, uh, a chem seven chest phone.
:'''Drake''': Just give him CPU!
:'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' Alright! ''[takes out Hervay from his cage]'' See what everybody say with me!
:'''Drake''': Okay.
:'''Josh''': ''[blows on Hervay's mouth]'' 1 1,000 , 2 1,000 , 3 1,000 , BREATHE! ''[blows on Hervay's mouth again and tries to pick him up but fails]'' That's it. 10:22, I'm calling it!
:'''Drake''': NO! ''[runs up to Hervay and blows his mouth]'' 
:'''Josh''': ''[gaves Drake backwards]'' HE'S GONE!
:'''Drake''': Josh, Megan is going to kill us!
:'''Josh''': Maybe she won't. Maybe she'll understand.
:'''Drake''': Think about it. Megan does horrible horrible things to us every day for no reason. Now, SHE HAS A REASON!
:'''Josh''': WE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!
:''[Drake quickly puts the camera in her drawer and Josh puts Hervay back in his room as they leave Megan's room fast]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
Drake: Ow! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Megan uses a remote to create a hole on the floor to make Drake and Josh fall to the garage from their bedroom]''
:'''Megan''': Okay, that was good revenge, too. And by the way, you didn't kill Hervay. The camera flash just stunned. He's fine, see? ''[shows Drake and Josh her pet hamster Hervay who is still alive]''
:'''Drake and Josh''': MEGAN!

===Steered Straight===
:'''Josh''': Man, we can't get into the Reptile Room ''[nightclub]''. You have to be over 21.
:'''Drake''': You are, Mr... ''[pulls out fake ID]'' Yakitori!
:'''Josh''': ''[takes fake ID and looks at it]'' What's this?
:'''Drake''': Fake ID, here, check mine out. ''[takes out his own fake ID and gives it to Josh]''
:'''Josh''': ''[reads the name on Drake's fake ID]'' Jefferson Steelflex?
:'''Drake''': ''[laughs]'' Yeah, made it up.
:'''Josh''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, REALLY! So you're suggesting that we use fake IDs to get into a nightclub posing as... ''[reads the names on the IDs again]'' Jefferson Steelflex and Alvin Yakitori?
:'''Drake''': Yep. And, hey, we gotta be there before 10:30 because I'm pretty sure...
:'''Josh''': It's illegal to use fake IDs!
:'''Drake''': Yeah, well, it's illegal to rob banks, but people do it!
:'''Josh''': Yes, people who are BANK ROBBERS!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[after Blaze has gone]''
:'''Josh''': Are you CRAZY?! What if Mom, Dad or Megan are downstairs?
:'''Drake''': Look, both of the cars are gone, alright? So nobody's home.
:'''Josh''': Good. Oh, quick. Quick, let's call the cops before he comes back.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, right, right, right, right.
:'''Josh''': Okay.
:'''Drake''': Uh...
:'''Josh''': Uh, alright. ''[pushes the phone with his head and he and Drake struggle to call the police]'' Alright, work together. Teamwork.
:'''Drake''': Okay.
:'''Josh''': Teamwork.
:'''Drake''': Alright.
:'''Josh''': To the left.
:'''Drake''': Ow!
:'''Josh''': To the--
:'''Drake''': Grab it.
:'''Josh''': Alright. ''[the phone slides away from him and Drake]'' Teamworking.
:'''Drake''': Grab it. Alright, press the 9, man.
:'''Josh''': Oh, this isn't gonna work.
:'''Drake''': Alright. Fine, fine, here. ''[puts it behind him]'' I'll hold it behind my back, you dial it with your nose.
:'''Josh''': I'm not sticking my nose down there.
:'''Drake''': Would you rather take your chances with a vicious criminal?
:'''Josh''': I think so.
:'''Drake''': Oh, just dial the number.
:'''Josh''': Alright. ''[presses the 9 button with his nose]'' 9. ''[then the 1 button]'' 1. 
:''[sneezes on the phone and Drake lets go of it]''
:'''Drake''': Aw, man. You sneezed on my palm.
:'''Josh''': It is allergy season. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
It’s some goofy-looking dude in a really bad shirt. 
Drake and Josh: Dad.

===Megan's First Kiss=== 
Josh: Thanks for the tip, dad! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:'''Megan''': Um, what are you doing this Saturday night?
:'''Drake''': Going to a concert at the Mega Dome.
:'''Josh''': Why?
:'''Drake''': 'Cause we bought tickets.
:'''Josh''': ''[to Drake]'' Not you! ''[to Megan]'' Why do you wanna know what we're doing Saturday night?
:'''Megan''': I don't care what you're doing.
:'''Drake''': But you just asked us.
:'''Megan''': Or, maybe you, just asked yourselves! Yeah. Think about that... ''[Megan leaves the room smiling]''
:'''Drake''': Okay I wanna know what her deal is!
:'''Josh''': Yeah, yeah, yeah she's up to something!
:'''Drake''': Yeah, first she hangs up the phone, pretends to not be talking to anybody.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, and she measures our necks and asks of our social plans.
:'''Drake''': Wait, she said we asked ourselves about that.
:'''Josh''': Really, you're not a smart boy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake and Josh walk into the Premiere disguised as Jews]''
:'''Drake''': Okay, all I'm saying is, the next time we need disguises, I'm getting them!
:'''Josh''': I told you, the costume shop was closed, the temple was open! And these are good disguises.
:'''Drake''': I don't even know what accent to talk with. 
:'''Josh''': Doesn't matter, just sound foreign.
:'''Helen''': Can I help you gentlemen find something?
:'''Josh''': ''[Irish accent]'' Top of the mornin to ya, how are ya? Potata!
:'''Helen''': Potato?
:'''Drake''': ''[Irish accent]'' Come along, Pontiac.
:'''Josh''': Yes, let's go observe the mulberry bush!
:'''Drake''': Pip pip da doodly-doo!
:'''Helen''': Pip pip da doodly-doo! I'm gonna start sayin that.

===The Battle of Panthatar===
:''[Opening comments: Drake and Josh ask themselves random questions]''
:'''Drake''': Hello, what's your name?
:'''Josh''': Hi! Who are you?
:'''Drake''': What is your favorite thing to eat?
:'''Josh''': What games do you like to play?
:'''Drake and Josh''': Me, too!
:'''Drake''': Hey, do you like me?
:'''Josh''': Do you wanna be my friend?
:'''Drake''': Aw, thank you!
:'''Josh''': ... What is that supposed to mean?
:'''Drake''': You think I'm handsome? What a special thing to say!
:'''Josh''': What? Who are you calling a dork? Hey hey hey hey! Go fetch your mother! Yeah I'm talking to you!
:'''Drake''': A present? For me?
:'''Josh''': Alright just put your kid right in front of the TV set because I have a few things to say!
:'''Drake''': ''[holding a handed a plate of cookies]'' A plate of cookies? Ohh, yummy!
:'''Josh''': I-I think it's pretty rude to tell a person that he's a --''[boy spits in his eye]''... did you just... you spit in my eye!
:'''Drake''': Mmm... these are my favorite!
:'''Josh''': Ohh, it burns! Aghh! Aghh!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
Thornton: Hey, Nicholas.  

Crazy Steve: I AM TALKING TO PEOPLE!!! 
Thornton: UNINVITED!!!! 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:''[Drake enters his and Josh's room]''
:'''Drake''': Hey.
:'''Josh''': Well? Did you go to Thornton's house? Did you apologize?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, I went to Thornton's house, and I apologized.
:'''Josh''': Well, perfect, and?
:'''Drake''': He had his housekeeper kick me out, then he hit me with a broom, and I fell down some brick stairs.
:'''Josh''': ''[groans]'' I really wanted to go to that party. Why do you ruin everything?
:'''Drake''': Don't worry, alright? I'm gonna figure a way to get even with that Thornton.
:'''Josh''': I don't wanna get even. ''[whining]'' I WANNA GO TO THAT BIRTHDAY PARTY!
:'''Drake''': Bro, Thornton hates us.
:'''Josh''': Well, let's make him love us again.
:'''Drake''': I tried.
:'''Josh''': Well, maybe we can... ''[notices Drake's autographed [[The Beatles|Beatles]] ''Abbey Road'' album]'' Hey. Isn't Thornton a huge Beatles fan?
:'''Drake''': Well, yeah, but I don't see what that has to do-- [realizes what Josh means] Oh, no, no. No way. ''[hides it in his arms]'' Don't even think about it.
:'''Josh''': I'm telling you, if we give him that album--
:'''Drake''': Absolutely not.
:'''Josh''': I guarantee you he'll re-invite us.
:'''Drake''': Dude, I love this album more than I love myself.
:'''Josh''': Dude.
:'''Drake''': Okay, but I love this album a lot. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
Thornton: Hey! Drake and Josh are not invited! I want them outta here!

===[[w:Really Big Shrimp|Really Big Shrimp]]===
&lt;small&gt;Note: This episode was an hour long.&lt;/small&gt;
:'''Crazy Steve''': ''[looks at his watch]'' It's time! ''[he steals old man's cane and starts chasing Josh]'' You ate my enchilada!
:'''Josh''': There was no note!
:'''Crazy Steve''': You ate my enchilada!
:'''Josh''': There was no note! 
:'''Crazy Steve''': You ate my enchilada! 
:'''Josh''': I thought we settled this! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Audrey''': ''[hears doorbell; talking about Helen and Lula]'' Walter, they're here.
:'''Walter''': Ooh. ''[walks before the front door]''
:'''Megan''': Dad, are you sure about this?
:'''Walter''': Yes. And we are doing a very nice thing for a sweet old lady. ''[Lula breaks the door in] ''
:'''Lula''': Where's the bathroom?!
:'''Audrey''': Did you just break our door in?!
:'''Lula''': I rang the doorbell, waited 25 seconds, no one answered, what I supposed to do?
:'''Josh''': You could've rang the doorbell, again.
:'''Lula''': ''[to Helen]'' Who's that boy with a big head that looks like a tooth pick with a cantaloupe on top? ''[Megan laughs and Josh give her a furious look]''
:'''Megan''': What, am I going to pretend that wasn't funny?
:'''Helen''': That's Josh, he works with me at the Premeire. ''[introduces everyone else]'' That's Drake, I prefer him. That's Megan, that's Mrs. Parker (Audrey), and this is...''[forgets who Walter is]''
:'''Walter''': Walter!
:'''Lula''': Great, now where's the bathroom?!
:'''Audrey''': Right through that door.
:'''Lula''': Well, thank you for finally giving me that information! ''[walks into bathroom and slams door]''
:'''Audrey''': Is she always so--? 
:'''Helen''': Buh-bye! ''[goes away]''
:'''Megan''': I can't believe that lady is staying in our guest room for a week.
:'''Walter''': No, she's staying in your room.
:'''Megan''': What?!
:'''Audrey''': You'll be staying in the boys' room.
:'''Drake, Josh and Megan''': What?!
:'''Josh''': This is an outrage!
:'''Drake''': What are we gonna stay?
:'''Walter''': ''[to Drake and Josh]'' Your room is huge. The three of you will be fine for a week.
:'''Megan''': Aw, this is horrible.
:'''Walter''': It's not that bad.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Megan''': Fine, I'll tell him. Josh, Molly thinks you're cute.
:'''Megan's Friends''': Eww!
:''[Josh walks out of the room]''
:'''Molly''': Call me!!
:'''Megan's Friends''': Eww!
:''[Josh peeks his head back through the door]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake arrives home]''
:'''Audrey''': Super Bowl's on.
:'''Drake''': I don't care.
:'''Josh''': Come on, the commercial's up in about two minutes. You gotta watch. It's your song.
:'''Drake''': It's not my song. It's horrible bubble-gum pop garbage-y badness. That 50,000,000 people are about to hear. I'll be on the roof.
:'''Josh''': Why?
:'''Drake''': Because you're not there. ''[walks away]''
:'''Josh''': Drake! ''[runs off to Drake]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crazy Steve''': Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in...
:'''Lula''': ''[annoyed]'' I know how to breathe!
:'''Crazy Steve''': ''[screaming]'' '''''JUST DO WHAT I SAY!'''''
:'''Lula''': ''[scared]'' Okay. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mindy''': ''[Yells after Crazy Steve goes insane]'' Help! Crazy Steve's gone berserk! 
:'''Josh &amp; Helen''': Crazy Steve!? 
:'''Mindy''': WHO ELSE!? 
:'''Josh''': But it's Monday, you can't schedule Crazy Steve to work on a Monday! 
:'''Helen''': Monday's his bad day! 
:'''Mindy''': Well, no one TOLD me that!!! 
:'''Crazy Steve''': ''[waving nutted shoes]'' CUCKADOODLEDOO, THE COW SAYS MOO!!! 

I want the shrimp.

===Helicopter=== 
Vince: That’s S.P.L.A.T.. 
Drake: That’s spelled splat. 
Vince: Oh, man. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:''[Drake and Josh try to wake up Vince]''
:'''Josh''': Hey, hey. He's awake.
:'''Drake''': You're awake!
:'''Vince''': ''[wakes up]'' Oh, what happened? How long I been out?
:'''Drake''': About 10 minutes. 
:'''Vince''': Oh, I remember. You clowns were fighting over this parachute. ''[holds his head]'' Oh, what'd I hit my head on?
:'''Josh''': This fire extinguisher.
:'''Vince''': Oh.
:'''Josh''': See, I'm pretty sure you hit your head right on this lever-- ''[he accidentally sprays Vince with a fire extinguisher and Vince screams outside after he pranked him]''
:'''Drake''': ''[angrily]'' Do you know what you just did?!
:'''Josh''': ''[worried]'' I extinguished our pilot?
:'''Drake''': ''[angrily]'' No, he has a parachute! You've extinguished us!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Vince angrily arrives at Drake and Josh's house after Drake and Josh blasted him out of the helicopter]''
:'''Vince''': You blasted me out of my own helicopter.
:'''Drake &amp; Josh''': Wha-- shh!
:'''Drake''': Not in front of our parents.
:'''Audrey''': Who is it?
:'''Drake &amp; Josh''': Uh--
:'''Drake''': Some, crazy, guy.
:''[Josh whistles]''
:'''Walter''': ''[to Audrey]'' I'll handle this. ''[he walks over to Vince]'' How can I help you?
:'''Vince''': Are you their father?
:'''Walter''': Yes. ''[Vince angrily gives him a bill]'' What's this?
:'''Vince''': ''[angrily]'' A bill. That's how much you owe me for my new helicopter.
:'''Walter''': What? ''[looks at the bill Vince gave him how much he needs to pay for his helicopter]'' '''''$400,000?!'''''
:''[Audrey and Megan are both shocked]''
:'''Drake''': ''[as Walter]'' Boys, you're both grounded.
:'''Josh''': But, Dad--
:'''Drake''': ''[as Walter]'' Grounded, two weeks.
:'''Josh''': But it wasn't our fault!
:'''Drake''': ''[as Walter]'' Upstairs.
:'''Josh''': ''[defeated]'' Yes, sir.
:'''Drake''': Night.
:'''Josh''': Night.
:''[knowing the consequences, Drake and Josh ground themselves for two weeks as the episode ends]''

===Dance Contest===
:'''Eric''': So, uh, Josh, thanks for throwing me this... great party.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, this is quite a party. Hope the neighbors don't call the cops on us.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:'''Stage director''': STOP IT! ''[multiple times]'' Perhaps, you ladies didn't read the rules: you fight, you're out! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Drake and Josh''': ''[last lines]'' Who is she?

==External links==

{{wikipedia|Drake &amp; Josh}}

[[Category:Drake &amp; Josh seasons]]
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>tah64a3mjilnjhnw3wq5jn2nmd2k2nd</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153654</id>
      <parentid>3153653</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T20:15:48Z</timestamp>
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      <text bytes="57822" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 1|1]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 2|2]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 3|3]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 4|4]] | [[Drake &amp; Josh|Main]]
----
'''''[[w:Drake &amp; Josh|Drake &amp; Josh]]''''' is an American television sitcom created by Dan Schneider for Nickelodeon. The series follows the lives of two teenage boys with opposite personalities, Drake Parker (Drake Bell) and Josh Nichols (Josh Peck), who are stepbrothers.

===Josh Runs Into Oprah===
:''[Megan opens up Josh's birthday cake]''
:'''Josh''': You made me a birthday cake?
:'''Megan''': Uh-huh. Mom gave me the recipe. I think it turned out pretty good. There.
:'''Josh''': Wow! This is really full of poison, isn't it?
:'''Megan''': No!
:'''Josh''': No, what then, huh, huh, huh, hot sauce some kind of extreme laxident?
:'''Megan''': Oh, c'mon! I wouldn't let you eat a cake that make you sick on your birthday.
:'''Josh''': I'm sorry.
:'''Megan''': It's okay. Make a wish. ''[Josh blows out the birthday candles from his cake as it exploded and he turns around to Megan as he had cake pieces on his face when she pranked him]'' I didn't say it wouldn't explode!
:'''Josh''': I don't blame you so much for doing it, as I blame myself for not anticipating it.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:'''Drake''': Hey, WATCH IT, WATCH IT!!! ''[Josh screams]'' 
:''[Oprah screams as they accidentally hit her and she jumps onto the front of their car and slides off, much to Josh's horror]'' 
:'''Woman''': OPRAH!!! Oh, my god! Oprah! Somebody call for help! 
:'''Josh''': I RAN OVER OPRAH!!! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Josh angrily comes home from the hospital after Drake pranked the whole hospital thinking Josh has a virus, which in return, causes him to get a chemical bath]''
:'''Drake''': Hey, man.
:'''Josh''': ''HEY, MAN''?!
:'''Drake''': Hey... man?
:'''Josh''': You left me at hospital to be chemicaLY bathed!
:'''Drake''': Oh, yeah, how'd it go?
:'''Josh''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, actually, it was quite soothing especially the part where they...OH, IT WAS HORRIBLE!!
:'''Drake''': Kay, what up with the 'tude?
:'''Josh''': D'you know what its like to get an involuntry chemical bath? it stings...''EVERYWHERE''!
:'''Drake''': Alright, look. Tell you what, I'm going to make up to you, okay?
:'''Josh''': No. Okay, no you're not, because that's when the badness happens. The only time you do anything nice to me is after you caused me some kind of physical damage or emotional distress! You are never going to make up anything to me ever again!
:'''Drake''': Wait, do these sound okay to you? ''[Drake plays his Bongos for Josh to try to cheer him up, but Josh rips the taped up Bongos then leaves]'' Would you bring me the hot glue gun?
:'''Josh''': NOT REALLY! ''[slams the door]''

===Vicious Tiberius===
:''[Drake and Josh found out that their dad did not answer the phone because he was working out at home singing]''
:'''Drake''': Well?
:'''Josh''': No answer.
:'''Drake''': You probably dialed the wrong number. Let me see it--
:'''Josh''': No, I think I know our own number.
:'''Drake''': Dude, just let me try-- ''[he and Josh both fight with Josh's phone and it lands in the toilet]'' Nice! ''[sees Josh's phone in the toilet]''
:'''Josh''': It's your fault. Go get it.
:'''Drake''': I'm not putting my hand in there! That's where Mrs. Hayfer pees!
:'''Josh''': Probably doesn't even work anymore.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, well, let's see. ''[flushes Josh's phone away]'' It still works.
:'''Josh''': I knew the toilet still worked, Drake. I MEANT MY PHONE!
:'''Drake''': Oh, well, that's gone.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Megan''': ''[offscreen]'' Hello? Anybody home?
:'''Josh''': Who's that?
:'''Drake''': It sounds like Megan.
:'''Megan''': ''[offscreen]'' Drake? Josh?
:'''Josh''': That ''is'' Megan, how does she know? Oh, no, she's outside with Tiberius!
:'''Drake''': Oh, he'll eat her alive!
:'''Josh''': C'mon! ''[tries to open the door but Drake puts his foot on the door]'' Dude!
:'''Drake''': ''[blocks the door]'' Well, just 'cause she gets eaten, doesn't mean we have to.
:'''Josh''': That's our little sister out there, we've gotta help her!
:'''Drake''': Alright.
:'''Josh''': C'mon. ''[he and Drake come out of the bathroom and see Megan in the living room to reveal that Tiberius is behaving as he loud whispers]'' Megan! Run!
:'''Megan''': I don't wanna run.
:'''Drake''': ''[loud whisper]'' But he's vicious.
:'''Megan''': Yeah, he's real vicious. Ooh, down, boy. You're so scary.
:''[Drake and Josh walk by to her]''
:'''Josh''': I don't get it. Well, he's all calm.
:'''Drake''': Evil dog, evil girl. Makes perfect sense.
:'''Megan''': Where have you two been? You were supposed to pick me up two hours ago.
:'''Josh''': How'd you know we were here?
:'''Megan''': Dad said you were stopping here and then picking me up, which you didn't.
:'''Josh''': We couldn't.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, we were trapped here by this demon dog.
:'''Megan''': What're you talking about?
:'''Josh''': When you're not around, he goes all berserk and tries to kill us.
:'''Megan''': Really?
:'''Drake and Josh''': Yeah/Uh-huh.
:'''Megan''': ''[satisfied]'' See ya.
:''[after Megan leaves the house, Tiberius traps Drake and Josh in the bathroom again]''

===The Wedding===
:''[Opening comments: Drake and Josh talk about how unpleasant their great aunt Catherine is and both are in agreement that she is quite unpleasant]''
:'''Josh''': So, me and Drake have this Great Aunt Catherine.
:'''Drake''': Have you ever met my Great Aunt Catherine? No? Well, hey. Lucky you.
:'''Josh''': She's almost 90 years old.
:'''Drake''': She's like 90,000 years old.
:'''Josh''': She's not nice!
:'''Drake''': She is mean. ''[gets closer to the viewers]'' Mean to the ''bone''!
:'''Josh''': Something's not right about Aunt Catherine.
:'''Drake''': She collects hair... from people she doesn't even know well!
:'''Josh''': Oh, and get this.
:'''Drake and Josh''': Aunt Catherine's getting married!
:'''Josh''': I mean, who wants to get married at 89 years old?
:'''Drake''': You know, Josh and I disagree on a lot of stuff, but I bet he hates Aunt Catherine just as much as I do.
:'''Josh''': I wonder if Drake hates Aunt Catherine as much as I do. ''[turns to Drake]'' Do ya?
:'''Drake''': Totally.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Josh''': Why are you in such a hurry?
:'''Drake''': 'Cause I want Aunt Catherine's beach house, bad.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, so do I.
:'''Drake''': Well, we can't be late for the wedding, and we have to pick up the cake.
:'''Josh''': Dude, we got plenty of time, alright? Just as long as we get to the bakery before... ''[notices his laptop case gone]'' Hey, have you seen my laptop case? I thought I left it right here.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, I gave it to Craig and Eric.
:'''Josh''': You... You what?!
:'''Drake''': They told me you said it was cool.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, I said it was cool for 'em to borrow my computer, but why'd you give them the whole case? It had my cell phone in it and my keys to Mom's SUV! Now we have no car!
:'''Drake''': Well, I'll just call Craig and Eric and tell them to come back.
:'''Josh''': No, we can't. They don't have cell phones.
:'''Drake''': Why?
:'''Josh''': 'Cause Papa Nichols threw Eric's against the wall and broke it, and Craig's mom thinks cell phones cause ear sores!
:'''Drake''': Craig does get a lot of ear sores.
:'''Josh''': Look, we cannot be late to this wedding!
:'''Drake''': Right, okay, um... Trevor!
:'''Josh''': What about Trevor?
:'''Drake''': We'll borrow his car.
:'''Josh''': His girlfriend sleeps in it.
:'''Drake''': No, they broke up. She sleeps in some other guy's car now.
:'''Josh''': I don't wanna go to a wedding in Trevor's El Camino, it's old and gross.
:'''Drake''': So is Aunt Catherine.
:'''Josh''': Drake, if we--
:'''Drake''': Look, it runs, and the wedding cake will fit in the back. And the most important thing is it'll get us there on time. ''[starts calling Trevor on the phone]'' 

===Mindy Loves Josh===
:'''Josh''': What do you want?
:'''Megan''': There's a couple of guys outside stealing  your bike.
:'''Josh''': Oh I just moved the chain, HANDS OFF MY RIDE! ''[runs outside]'' Hey!
:'''Mindy''': Maybe, I should have call the police.
:'''Megan''': Nah, no ones stealing his bike.
:'''Mindy''': What did you tell him that for? You got him all upset for nothing.
:'''Megan''': Yeah. 

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
Megan: What are you eating? 
Drake: Big cookie. 

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
Josh: Mindy, I am in the process of becoming a woman, so I worried… 
Drake: JOSH!!! OH, MY GOD, JOSH!!!! 
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Megan comes inside Drake and Josh's room and tells Drake her truth after making his hands green (when she saw Drake eating her cookie)]''
:'''Drake''': Oh, it's you. Close the door!
:'''Megan''': ''[closes the door and walks up to Drake]'' What's going on?
:'''Drake''': Swear not to tell mom and dad?
:'''Megan''': Swear.
:'''Drake''': Well, I've have this rare skin disease called dermatameculitis.
:'''Megan''': ''[gasps]'' Oh my god! Are you okay?
:'''Drake''': I will be. See, I read online that you can cure it by soaking in zipholic acid which is in lizard pee.
:'''Megan''': Or you know there is another cure.
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Megan''': Next time, don't eat my big cookie.
:'''Drake''': What are you saying?
:'''Megan''': I tricked you into thinking you have a rare skin disease by dying your hands and feet green while you slept and that you were stupid enough to actually fall for it and stick your hands and feet in buckets in lizard pee. That what I'm saying.
:'''Drake''': Megan!
:'''Megan''': You have a little somethin' on your upper lip.
:''[Drake touches his upper lip with his green hand and suffers from it as Megan leaves his and Josh's room]''
:'''Drake''': Wait!
:'''Megan''': What?
:'''Drake''': Is it gone?
:''[Megan leaves the room]''

===Who's Got Game?===
:'''Carly''': ''[walks up to Drake]'' Help you find something?
:'''Drake''': Oh no, I got- ''[turns to see her]'' No, I got it.
:'''Carly''': Sparks, nice. Yes, I saw them live last week at &quot;The Phyton&quot;.
:'''Drake''': No way, I was there.
:'''Carly''': Oh, yeah, you were that guy in the crowd listening.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, that was me!
:'''Carly''': I was kidding.
:'''Drake''': Me, too.
:'''Carly''': Come on, I'll ring you up.
:'''Drake''': Okay.
:''[they both walk up to the cashier's desk]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Josh''': ''[walks up to Drake]'' Well, while you keep kissing your new girlfriend, I'm going to go back home and move my special pillow onto your bed.
:'''Drake''': What? ''[turns around to Josh]''
:'''Josh''': Well, I've had 22 dates this you week and you've only had one.
:'''Drake''': Okay, yeah. I guess you get my bed. Alright, you win.
:'''Josh''': I win? I GOT MORE GIRLS THAN DRAKE!! ''[laughs]'' JOSH NICHOLS IS NO LONGER A LITTLE CATERPILLAR, AH, HE IS A BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY!! ''[flaps wings for a while then stops out of embarrassment]'' See you guys at home. ''[walks away]''

===The Great Doheny===
:'''Josh''': Uh, Megan. This is Henry Doheny. I'm gonna go make him a sandwich with some crinko cup fries and you keep him company. ''[runs off to make Doheny his sandwich]''
:'''Megan''': Henry Doheny. Didn't you use to be like a really famous magician?
:'''Henry Doheny''': Hmmm. ''[pretends to think]''  Why don't you, reach into, ''[points to trash can and Megan looks at it]'' that decorative trash can and tell me.
:'''Megan''': ''[looks at him, searches through the trash-can, picks out old papers than a bunny, and gasps]'' A bunny!
:'''Henry Doheny''': Her name is Cookie, if you hold her close, she'll lick your nose.
:'''Megan''': ''[puts Cookie to her face and Cookie begins to lick her as she laughs]'' Oh my god, this is the cutest bunny I've ever seen! Can I keep her?
:'''Henry Doheny''': I insist!
:'''Megan''': Thanks! ''[goes to her room, admiring Cookie]''
:'''Henry Doheny''': ''[To Drake]'' Pick a card!
:'''Drake''': ''[picks a card]'' Now what?
:'''Henry Doheny''': Now, put it back. ''[Drake gives the card back and he takes the deck into his jacket]''
:'''Drake''': ''[looks at Doheny with a weird gaze]'' What's my card?
:'''Henry Doheny''': Cough. ''[Drake coughs out a card]'' Open it. ''[Drake does so and Doheny isn't even looking]'' Is that your card?
:'''Drake''': Yeah. Please do me a favor and don't make things come outta my body.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Walter''': ''[looking himself in the mirror after Doheny made him bald]'' Ahh! Check me out! I'm bald. ''[leaving the room]'' Honey, Mr. Doheny made me bald!

===I Love Sushi===
:'''Josh''': ''[presses record button on video camera remote for filming contest entry video]'' Dear pump my room, this is our living room.
:'''Drake''': A room, in which we live. 
:'''Josh''': Um, we really wish we'd win this makeover.
:'''Drake''': But not for us.
:'''Josh''': For our parents.
:'''Drake''': We call them, &quot;Mom and Dad&quot;.
:'''Josh''': You see, my dad married his mom almost five years ago.
:'''Drake''': I am still in shock.
:'''Josh''': And soon, it'll be their fifth anniversary.
:'''Drake''': ''[sheepishly]'' Still in shock.
:'''Josh''': Now, we can't afford to buy them anything fancy.
:'''Drake''': So we pray that you wonderful people at Pump my Room choose us.
:'''Josh''': Eh, our parents.
:'''Drake''': For the special gift, of a room makeover. ''[desperately]'' Please.
:'''Josh''': ''[desperately]'' Please. ''[Drake and Josh both embrace each other, drake grabs for the remote to end the video recording]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Josh''': Okay, mom and dad. Here it comes.
:'''Drake''': Who's ready to go inside?
:'''Audrey''': What is up with you guys?
:'''Walter''': Yeah, you kept us out all day driving all over the city.
:'''Drake''': Get ready. ''[he opens the door as he, Josh, Walter, and Audrey come inside the house]''
:'''Drake and Josh''': HAPPY ANNIVERS- ''[they turn on the lights to reveal that the furniture in the living room has been stolen]'' -''[lamely]'' sery.
:'''Walter''': Drake?
:'''Audrey''': Josh!
:'''Walter''': Where's our stuff?
:'''Josh''': We've been robbed!
:'''Drake''': ''[curious]'' Surprise!
:''[Walter and Audrey both get shocked after all of the furniture from the living room disappeared]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Drake Parker. Josh Nichols. ''[Drake and Josh come in Mr. Nadel's office]'' What do you want?
:'''Josh''': We understand that you give people temporary jobs?
:'''Mr. Nadel''': So?
:'''Josh''': And we'd like one.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': And I'd like to meet with another woman who doesn't change her phone number after the first date.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, well good luck with that.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Ok, what are your skills?
:'''Drake''': I play guitar and date girls.
:'''Josh''': Well, I'm an honor student. I'm pretty good with magic tricks, I can cook. Oh, in the 5th grade I was vote most polite child-
:'''Mr. Nadel''': ''[yells]'' NO! THAT'S ENOUGH! ''[in a normal voice]'' Well, let's see, I've got men's room attendant, ditch digger, or you could clean up after elephants at the zoo?
:'''Drake''': Wow, they all sound so wonderful.
:'''Josh''': Do you gave any jobs that are, you know... not repulsive?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, and we want one that pays a lot.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Sure, and I wanna meet a woman who doesn't change her phone number after the first date.
:'''Josh''': You already said that.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': ''[yelling]'' WELL IT HAPPENS EVERY TIME! I MEAN WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!
:'''Drake''': We just want jobs.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Alright look, I got two jobs working the line at a fish factory. Not glamorous enough for you?
:'''Josh''': Well, what would we have to do?
:'''Mr. Nadel''': You'd be assembling packages of sushi for distribution to local supermarkets. Pays 18 bucks an hour. Each.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, we'll take it.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Good. Happy. Happy. Here's the address. Be there Saturday morning 8:00.
:'''Drake:''' 8:00?
:'''Josh''': We'll be there.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Yeah, yeah.
:''[Drake and Josh leave Mr. Nadel's office; Nadel types in numbers on his phone from a piece of paper]''
:'''Phone''': The number you have reached has been disconnected
:'''Mr. Nadel''': ''[bangs on desk]'' EVERY TIME! Stupid lotion! ''[knocks a bottle of lotion on the floor]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': Look man, we tried our best I can't think of anything else...
:''[Drake and Josh realize they're sitting on the couch and feel it to make sure they're not dreaming Josh looks around and sees everything back in the living room]''
:'''Josh''': The Furniture's back!
:'''Drake''': We did it!
:'''Josh''': We didn't do anything!
:'''Audrey''': Howdy, boys.
:'''Walter''': Surprised?
:'''Josh''': Yeah! How'd you get our furniture back?
:'''Audrey''': The police found the robbers moving van.
:'''Walter''': It was broken down about a half a mile up the street.
:'''Drake''': And they found everything?
:'''Walter''': Yep.
:'''Audrey''': It's all here. ''[smells rotten stench on Drake and Josh]'' Do I smell rotting sushi?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, it's a long story.
:'''Josh''': Uh see we...
:'''Walter''': ''[cuts Josh off at mid sentence]'' We don't want to know.

===The Storm===
:''[Drake hits Eric in the chest and notices Lucy]''
:'''Eric''': Ow.
:'''Drake''': That's Lucy, my ex-girlfriend. Josh invited my ex-girlfriend?
:'''Eric''': Well, yeah. When we were going over the gas list, Josh said you and Lucy were still friends.
:'''Drake''': Well, we are, but I invited Carly. I can't have my current girlfriend and my ex-girlfriend at the same party. You want the universe to explode? Man, what am I gonna--? ''[hits Eric in the chest again and notices Christine]'' 
:'''Eric''': Ow!
:'''Drake''': Christine? How many of my ex-girlfriends are here?
:'''Eric''': Just those two. I hope. Or else I'm gonna need chest replacement surgery!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': ''[after being on the phone with Josh]'' That was Josh.
:'''Julio''': They cancelled the concert?
:'''Drake''': The whole stage is underwater.
:'''Gary''': My uncle's got a boat!
:'''Drake''': That's great, Gary. Why don't ya climb into your uncle's boat and SAIL OFF TO MORON ISLAND?!!! 

&lt;hr width=“50%”&gt; 
Crazy Steve: C’MON, DORA!!!

===My Dinner with Bobo===
:''[Drake and Josh and Megan get a car]''
:'''Megan''': ''[looking at a car with tattooed flowers]'' Oh my god! I love this car! Let's buy this one!
:'''Drake''': Shall we harmonize?
:'''Josh''': Let's.
:'''Drake and Josh''': ''[singing]'' No!
:'''Megan''': Dad said I can help pick out the car.
:'''Drake''': Uh yes. And thank you for helping us decide we're not getting this one.
:'''Megan''': Don't push me.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': ''[appears and gets out of his cart]'' Well now, let me guess! You folks are looking for a car.
:'''Josh''': Hey, you're Stan the Car Man.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': The very same.
:'''Josh''': I know, I love your commercials. You need a car, you need a truck, you need a van! Come see Stan the Car Man!
:'''Drake''': Who sells trucks and vans.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': I don't like it when people imitate me.
:'''Josh''': I'm sorry.
:'''Drake''': I'm also sorry. ''[points at a monkey]'' Hey, Bobo! Aw, I love this guy! ''[picks up Bobo]''
:'''Stan the Car Man''': He seems to have taken a liking to you too!
:'''Drake''': Aw, he's awesome.
:'''Megan''': Yeah, maybe he can tutor you in math.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': How much were you boys hoping to spend in this vehicle?
:'''Drake''': About $2400.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': $2400. About what car did you had in mind?
:'''Josh''': Something safe.
:'''Drake''': Something fast.
:'''Josh''': Gets good mileage.
:'''Drake''': It's gotta have satellite radio.
:'''Josh''': Heated seats would be nice.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': Huh?
:'''Josh''': I get cold down there.
:'''Megan''': Look! No one is interested in your butt temperature problems.
:'''Josh''': Dr. Fish bum is.
:'''Drake''': Look, can you just show us something we can afford?
:'''Stan the Car Man''': Well, I surely can. Right over there!
:'''Josh''': Alright.
:'''Drake''': Come on. ''[he and Josh walk away]''
:'''Stan the Car Man''': Butt temperature problems?
:'''Megan''': He's a mess. ''[she and Stan the Car Man walk away too]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake and Josh come inside Dr. Favershim's apartment to rescue Bobo]''
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Come in.
:'''Drake''': We are in.
:'''Josh''': Yeah. And we want Bobo back.
:'''Dr. Favershim''': I'm sorry, we had a deal. $10,000 for your delicious friends.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, well deal's off.
:'''Josh''': So just take your check back and give us Bobo.
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Are you sure?
:'''Josh''': Absolutely.
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Very well, Bobo is in the back of the closet right over there. You may fetch him.
:'''Josh''': Back of the closet?
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Good.
:'''Josh''': Come on dude, let's go get him.
:'''Drake''': Whoa? Is he in here?
:'''Josh''': Perhaps.
:'''Drake''': In the coat, where is he?
:''[when Dr. Favershim locked Drake and Josh in the closet so he could eat Bobo, Drake and Josh yell inside the closet in order to get out after Dr. Favershim pranked them]''
:'''Dr. Favershim''': I'm sorry boys, but I can't let you interfere with my dinner plans. ''[takes off the curtain off of Bobo's cage]'' Hello, little friend. I hope you have good taste.
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' You open the door or we're gonna call the cops!
:'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' Yeah, we have a cellphone in here!
:'''Dr. Favershim''': You have no cellphone.
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Do too!
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Prove it.
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' How?
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Play me a ringtone.
:''[Josh plays a ringtone on his phone from the closet]''
:'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' See? I told ya we got a cellphone!
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Does it have Bluetooth?
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' What?!?!
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Your cellphone, does it have Bluetooth?
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Ya, dude it has Bluetooth.
:'''Dr. Favershim''': I don't believe you. Show me.
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Fine! Open the door! ''[Dr. Favershim opens door]'' See, Bluetooth! Ha, ha! ''[Dr. Favershim pushes Josh back in the closet, takes his phone, and locks the door again]'' What?! Oh, man!
:'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' Oh, nice goin', Bluetooth!
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Don't start with me! ''[Josh slaps Drake off-screen]''
:'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' Ow!
:''[Dr. Favershim cuts slices of a carrot and takes a bite and walks up to Bobo to eat a piece, too]'' 

===Tree House===
:''[Drake and Josh are trapped inside Robbie's treehouse when they're trying to rebuild it]''
:'''Josh''': Drake…? 
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Josh''': Where's the door hole?
:'''Drake''': It goes right there, see? I drew it with a magic marker.
:'''Josh''': You were supposed to cut it out with the power saw!
:'''Drake''': Dude, I'm gonna!
:'''Josh''': Oh, really?
:'''Drake''': Yes!
:'''Josh''': So go get the power saw.
:'''Drake''': Okay, I will! ''[tries to walk through the wall where the painted door is]'' I see the problem…. 
:'''Josh''': Oh, do ya?!

&lt;hr width=50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Megan refuses to let Drake and Josh out of the Robbie's tree house because she is angry that they made her miss her friend Janie's birthday party]''
:'''Megan''': ''[walks to Drake with a snow cone]'' Hey boob.
:'''Drake''': Where you've been?
:'''Megan''': I told you I was about to get a snow cone.
:'''Drake''': Okay, well now that you have one, can you please hand up the power saw so we can get out of here?
:'''Megan''': Let me think, no!
:'''Drake''': Listen to me! You make us miss our dates with those two hot identical twins. I swear- ''[Josh grabs him]''
:'''Josh''': Hey!
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Josh''': We don't need that power saw!
:'''Drake''': Then how are we gonna get out of here?
:'''Josh''': ''[grabs the power screwdriver]'' Power screwdriver! We just need to unscrew one of these walls and boom we are out!
:'''Drake''': Do it brother!
:'''Josh''': Okay. ''[he power screws the door but realized it's dead]'' Set this baby to reverse.
:'''Drake''': Why'd it stop?
:'''Josh''': I don't know. The screwdriver- ''[looks outside the window thinking that Megan unplugged it]'' MEGAN!
:'''Megan''': ''[satisfied; after she unplugged the power screwdriver]'' Yes, can I help you? 

===Josh is Done===
:'''Drake''': C'mon, let's play ping-pong!
:'''Josh''': Alright. I'll play if it'll stop you from yapping.
:'''Drake''': And the battle begins! ''[rings bell]'' Ohh, my worthy opponent. Are you prepared to ping the pong?
:'''Josh''': Wahahaha. I am prepared, young sedgewan. Your pong is no match for my ping!
:'''Drake''': Ahh, do your worst! ''[he and Josh play ping-pong until Josh's paddle flies out of his hand and out the window, to Josh’s horror]'' You have smashed the window of transparency!
:'''Josh''': ''[runs to the broken window]'' Aw, man! Mom and dad are gonna kill me!
:'''Drake''': Oh, probably. Come on, let's finish the game.
:'''Josh''': I don't have a paddle!
:'''Drake''': Oh, there's an extra one downstairs, be back in a sec.
:'''Josh''': We can't be late for this-
:'''Drake''': I'll be back in a few seconds, you can study while I'm gone. ''[gives Josh the book and leaves the room]''
:'''Josh''': I don't think it leaves us enough- ''[opens the book a reads a page]'' What is the atomic weight of beryllium? 9.01. ''[yells]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Josh''': ''[All sweaty from running all the way to class after Drake left him behind, bumps into the door]'' PLEASE! PLEASE, LEMME IN!! I AM SORRY I'M LATE! ''[Drake looks at him from his desk]''
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Opens the door]'' Mr. Nichols, you know the rule. 
:'''Josh''': B-But you don't understand. You see, I was just about to- 
:'''Mr. Roland''': I understand that you are late, and when you're late to my class, you're not welcomed in my class. 
:'''Josh''': Uh, b-but w-what about the exam? 
:'''Mr. Roland''': You will take a make-up exam next Saturday morning at 6AM, and you will be marked down 1 letter grade! 
:'''Josh''': ''[Very upset and despairing]'' Oh, no. No-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh!!! ''[Points at Drake angrily]'' YOU!
:'''Drake''': ''[Defensively]'' What? 
:'''Josh''': ''[Yells and runs in the classroom to attack Drake, only to be held back by the other students, while Drake stares]'' COME HERE! COME HERE, YOU WANNA TUSSLE!? LET'S GO!! LET ME CLOSER!!! 
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[enraged]'' Mr. Nichols! Mr. Nichols, you will leave this classroom NOW! 
:'''Josh''': But- 
:'''Mr. Roland''': NOW! 
:'''Josh''': I- 
:'''Mr. Roland''': NOW! 
:'''Josh''': ''[defeated]'' Now...? ''[Leaves the classroom as Mr. Roland locks the classroom door, as Josh continues trying to plead his case]'' Now, if you would just allow me to explain, OH!!! ''[Mr. Roland yanks down the door window shade]''
:'''Mr. Roland''': As I was saying, you will have 55 minutes to complete your exams. ''[Mr. Roland walks over to the classroom windows to close the blinds as Josh from outside still tries to plead his case.]'' You will use a #2 pencil.
:'''Josh''': ''[Sobbing]'' Your so hard! 
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Closes first blind]'' Not #1, not #3.
:'''Josh''': ''[Still sobbing]'' So unbelievably hard!
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Closes second blind]'' If you have any questions during the exams, don’t ask them!
:'''Josh''': ''[Still sobbing]'' I really do, I give everything a hundred…
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Closes last blind]'' I want silence in this classroom! Silence, is golden.
:'''Josh''': ''[Freaks out]'' Nooo! Nah! Nah! Nah! Nah!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Drake''': ''[Gets home after the exam (which he failed most likely) and takes Robbie's sit-n-bounce just to get Josh over his rage, still not caring about making him late earlier despite wanting to have fun together]'' Hey, Josh. What goes on? 
:'''Josh''': Just readin' my book. 
:'''Drake''': ''[signs]'' Look, I'm sorry about this morning. You know, but Kat called and wanted to make out, and, you know, Kat. 
:'''Josh''': ''[Knowing that Drake's apology is fake]'' Yes, yes. She's very pretty. 
:'''Drake''': Alright, you're still mad. But you won't be for long, 'cause I got you your very own sit-n-bounce! ''[Josh says nothing]'' Sit-n-bounce!  
:'''Josh''': No, thanks. 
:'''Megan''': Doesn't that kid Robbie next door have a sit-n-bounce just like that? 
:'''Drake''': No! No. And, c'mon, have you ever sat and bounced before? You can't be upset when you're sittin' and bouncin'. ''[plays with it. Josh closes his book and gets up, Drake bounces in front of him]'' 
:'''Josh''': Would you please move?
:'''Drake''': ''[stop bouncing]'' Look, dude, I said I was sorry.
:'''Josh''': Oh, I heard you.
:'''Drake''': Well, stop being mad at me.
:'''Josh''': I'm not mad at you. I'm done.
:'''Drake''': What's that supposed to mean?
:'''Josh''': I don't want anything to do with you anymore.
:'''Drake''': So what, are you gonna move out?
:'''Josh''': No, this is a house where I live, and I guess we'll be roommates until the day I leave for college. But that's all we'll be, is roommates. I'm done with you. ''[walks away, leaving Drake concerned]'' 
:'''Megan''': Whoa! 
:'''Drake''': What? 
:'''Megan''': You really did it this time. 
:'''Drake''': Oh, c'mon, ya know how many times Josh has been ''furious'' with me? Uh, he'll pout for a day or 2, and then he'll get over it. 
:'''Megan''': I dunno, he sounded pretty serious. 
:'''Drake''': Trust me. Alright, I know Josh, and there's no way he's gonna keep this up- 
:'''Robbie''': ''[walks in]'' I knew it! I knew you took my sit-n-bounce! ''[kicks Drake in the leg and takes his sit-n-bounce back]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''[Without Josh, Drake begins suffering bad luck, while Josh's life improves with more good luck than ever, even passing his make-up exam and getting his grade back up]'' 
:'''Drake''': ''[arrives at the Primere ]'' Hello, Josh.
:'''Josh''': Hi, Drake.
:'''Craig''': Why are you all sweaty?
:'''Drake''': I'm all sweaty because I ran out of gas and I had to walk all the way here because SOMEBODY forgot to fill up the car!
:'''Josh''': It's not my responsibility to fill the car with gas.
:'''Drake''': You always fill up the car!
:'''Josh''': Used to, now I put in just enough gas for myself.
:'''Drake''': Well, good! You know, good for you! I DON'T NEED YOUR GAS! And just so you know, I'm gonna go see a movie right now and I don't need a free ticket from you cause mom paid me 10 bucks to get out of the house! So I don't need you for ANYTHING!
:'''Leah''': Movie tickets here are $11.
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Eric''': And popcorn and soda are gonna cost you another 6 or 7.
:'''Drake''': D'oh! You know what? I'm not even gonna buy a ticket, I'm just going in. Right, just going right in! ''[yells at ticket checker employee, he stubbornly walks into theater 7]'' 
:'''Josh''': ''[clears throat, grabs the communicator]'' Security, we have a problem in theater 7: male Caucasian, sweaty, wearing a gray sweatshirt. ''[beeps]'' So what's the difference between a hoagie and a submarine sandwich? 
:'''Steve''': I always thought a hoagie was a hot sandwich, and a submarine could be served hot or cold. 
:'''Craig''': No, I think it's the other way around. 
:'''Eric''': Okay, but what's a grinder? 
:'''Leah''': Same thing as a hoagie. 
:'''Drake''': ''[getting dragged by the security guards]'' Hey! Hey! Let go, let go! Josh, Josh! Tell them to let me go! Josh, Josh! Tell them! Tell them! Look this way, I know this guy, I know this guy. Ask him, ask him. 
:'''Security Guard''': Is this guy a friend of yours? 
:''[pause]''
:'''Josh''': ''[satisfied]'' No, he's not. 
:'''Drake''': ''[frustrated]'' Josh!! Oh. You're gonna regret this, Josh! You need me! YOU NEED ME!!! 
:'''Josh''': So, hoagie and grinder same thing, huh? 
:'''Leah, Steve, Eric, &amp; Craig''': ''[All talking at once in agreement]'' Yes./That's right./Uh-huh./Yeah. 
:'''Steve''': All in the sandwich family.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': ''[After being switched with another lab partner named Clayton, messes up his science experiment, causing green water to flow and spill over his hand]'' Whoa-whoa! Hey-hey! What's happening, what's happening!? Oh-okay-okay-okay! Arms tingling, arms tingling! 
:'''Craig''': Chemical emergency! ''[Turns on the alarm]'' 
:'''Mr. Roland''': Let's get him in the power-shower! ''[Grabs Drake and carries him into the chemical shower, as Josh watches in shock]'' 
:'''Drake''': Hey-hey! Watch it, will you-!? What is this!? ''[Roki shuts the door, Mr. Roland turns on the water]'' What are you, what are you-!? AAA-OOHHHH!!!! ''[Starts yelling as the water stingingly washes off the chemicals]''  
:'''Mr. Roland''': Drake, are you alright? 
:'''Drake''': Hey! What is this water!? Ow! ''[Continues yelling as everybody, including Josh, watches]'' 
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Drake has just been in the chemical shower, turns off the water]'' Drake, you may come out now. ''[Drake comes out, all soaked and groaning]'' Sit down, Drake. ''[Drake ignores him, walks towards the door]'' Drake, sit down!
:'''Drake''': No!
:'''Mr. Roland''': Drake!
:'''Drake''': Josh!
:'''Josh''': What?
:'''Drake''': Look, I'm sorry.
:'''Josh''': Well--
:'''Drake''': Look, let me finish, okay? I was wrong, okay? I was wrong.
:'''Josh''': What d'you mean?
:'''Drake''': I-I need you more than you need me. Uh, I-I need you ''way more'' than you need me, a-alright? I'm sorry. M-Man, I'm sorry I made you late for your exam, and I'm sorry I ran over your bike, and I, uh-- I-I'm sorry, I'm probably the worst brother in the world! And y-you know, you're way better off without me, you know? I just-- I just need you to understand that-- uh, I just-- Sorry, Josh, I'm sorry. ''[tearfully walks out of the classroom, leaving Josh stunned]''
:'''Mr. Roland''': Josh, would you like to go talk to Drake?
:'''Josh''': ''[realizes he has gone a little too far for cutting Drake out of his life, seeing how he learned his lesson the hard way]'' No. No, sir.
:'''Mr. Roland''': Alright. Class, let's get back to our experiments. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[As Drake miserably tries to play ping-pong alone, Josh runs in with a kung fu yell, ready to forgive his brother]''
:'''Josh''': Hoaw! We have unfinished business, young sedgewan. 
:'''Drake''': Josh…. 
:'''Josh''': Wa-cho! You will address me only as Master Mon-googoo. ''[Drake cheers up as Josh picks up his paddle]'' 
:'''Drake''': Your words, they are strong. Uh, but your skills are weak!
:'''Josh''': Your foolishness, young sedgewan, has sealed your fate! 
:'''Drake''': Aw, destiny is mine! ''[They play ping-pong ball together and reconcile again happily as the episode ends]''

===Eric Punches Drake===
:'''Mr. Roland''': Josh, Mindy. The new chemistry books just arrived. They're in my classroom. 
:'''Mindy''': No way! 
:'''Josh''': Oh, come on! 
:'''Craig''': Hey, remember in Dragon to Death when Billy Chang fights Joaquin the Dream?
:'''Eric''': Remember? One does not forget the wo-cho fist of silence. ''[Tries to demonstrate, only to accidentally punch Drake in the eye and knock him out in the process]'' Oh, my god! 
:'''Craig''': Drake, are you alright!? 

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
:'''Josh''': Hey, Craig. 
:'''Craig''': Evenin'. 
:'''Josh''': Where's Eric? 
:'''Craig''': Oh, he didn't wanna come. He was afraid Drake might be mad at him 'cause he punched him in the eye. 
:'''Josh''': He's not mad. Drake, you're not mad, are you? 
:'''Drake''': Nah, I'm not mad. Craig didn't mean to hit me. 
:'''Craig''': I'M Craig! 
:'''Drake''': ''[scoffs]'' It matters. 

&lt;hr width =50%&gt; 
:''[door bell rings]'' 
:'''Josh''': Yo, Drake, get that! 
:'''Drake''': Got it. ''[opens the door and finds Mindy there]'' Oh, is it Halloween already? Aren't you a scary, little witch? 
:'''Mindy''': Oh, look at your black eye. Well, I hope it hurts.
:'''Drake''': You shebeast!
:'''Mindy''': Microbrain!
:'''Drake''': Weirdface!
:'''Mindy''': Ignoramus!
:'''Drake''': ''[beat]'' What?
:'''Mindy''': Exactly! 
:'''Chad''': Hey. 
:'''Mindy''': Oh, hey. 
:'''Chad''': Sorry, I had to park the car at the bottom of the hill. 
:'''Mindy''': Oh, no problem. Step aside. ''[both walk inside. Drake suspects Chad to be Mindy's new boyfriend and goes into the kitchen, while Josh and Craig set up the projector]'' 
:'''Drake''': JOSH! 
:'''Josh''': ''[jumps, accidentally flips the projector]'' Aw, now I gotta reset the white balance! 
:'''Drake''': No, I need to talk to you! ''[to Craig]'' Get out. ''[Craig walks out]'' 
:'''Josh''': What? 
:'''Drake''': Mindy's here.  
:'''Josh''': I know, I invited her. 
:'''Drake''': Did you invite ''him?'' ''[turns Josh's head around towards Chad]''  
:'''Josh''': Who's him? 
:'''Drake''': Her date. 
:'''Josh''': ''[shudders]'' I don't care. 
:'''Drake''': Yes, you do!

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
:'''Drake''': Hey, Clayton. 
:'''Clayton''': ''[mumbling]'' Hi. 
:''[Drake slips his mouth-wash, then takes Clayton's water bottle, spits in it, and gives it back to him (possibly as revenge for Drake's chemical incident in the previous episode), to Clayton's disgust. 3 students walk behind Drake, laughing at him]''
:'''Drake''': Hello? 
:'''Boy''': ''[sees Drake's black eye]'' It's true! 
:'''Drake''': Oh, the black eye? Yeah, a little accident. 
:'''Boy''': That's not what we heard. 
:'''Drake''': And what did you hear? 
:'''Boy''': That you're making fun of Eric's sister. 
:'''Girl''': Hey, Drake. I heard you got punched by a nerd. 
:'''Drake''': IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!!! 

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
:'''Crazy Steve''': Excuse me, Josh. 
:'''Josh''': What!? 
:'''Crazy Steve''': I notice you're stacking that candy in an angry way. 
:'''Josh''': I AM angry! Alright, Mindy's over there with her new boyfriend, rubbing him right in my face. 
:'''Crazy Steve''': I just give this a little squeeze... DON'T DRINK WHILE I'M TALKING!!!! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Craig''': ''[pops up from the trash can]'' Hello.
:'''Drake''': ''[screams]'' Craig?
:'''Craig''': Are you alone?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, I'm alone.
:'''Craig''': Good. ''[holds out a bag of pork rinds]'' Pork rind?
:'''Drake''': Sure. ''[takes a pork rind from the bag and starts eating it]'' So you're the one that sent the blimp?
:'''Craig''': That's right.
:'''Drake''': ''[concerned]'' Why would you wanna take down Eric? He's your best friend.
:'''Craig''': WAS my best friend. Now that Eric's Mr. Popular pants and has a hot girlfriend, he doesn't give a rat's hat about me!
:'''Drake''': Rat's hat?
:'''Craig''': ''[furious]'' He's forgotten that I am the one who's been his best friend since we were 7 years old! THAT I'M THE ONE WHO DRIED HIS TEARS WHEN HIS IGUANA GOT DIABETES! THAT I--  
:'''Drake''': ''[He interrupts Craig]'' OKAY, OKAY, I get it, get it, get it. Just tell me how to stop him.
:'''Craig''': Ok, but first you have to promise me something.
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Craig''': I love to sing.
:'''Drake''': ''[confused, steps aside]'' And?
:'''Craig''': And you are like a professional singer.
:'''Drake''': ''[still confused]'' You wanna sing a song with me?
:'''Craig''': I've wanted this for a long time!
:'''Drake''': Ok, ok, if you help me prove Eric's a liar, you can sing a song with me.
:'''Craig''': Excellent. Now, listen carefully. Eric, is a pacifist.
:'''Drake''': I thought he was Jewish.
:'''Craig''': A pacifist is someone who refuses to fight.
:'''Drake''': Okay...
:'''Craig''': So, if you insult Eric in front of a bunch of people, he won't fight back, and then everyone will know he was lying about standing up to you!
:'''Drake''': Uh-huh!
:'''Craig''': And then he won't be popular anymore which means he'll come crawling back to me! And don't forget our song.
:'''Drake''': I won't forget the song.
:'''Craig''': Good, I'll start practicing.
:''[Drake walks away while Craig starts singing in the dumpster behind the school's cafeteria]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': ''[he stops the argument about stacks of cards]'' Okay, you know what?! You know what?! Enough with the cards, alright?! I got big problems!
:'''Josh''': What, that Eric thing?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, he's lying to everybody and ruining my life just to make himself popular. But you know what? 
:'''Josh''': What?
:'''Drake''': I'm gonna go find Eric and punch him right in his little nerdy head!
:'''Josh''': You don't want to do that! ''[grabs him]''
:'''Drake''': Then give me a one good reason.
:'''Josh''': 'Cause it's not gonna help you! Alright? It's just gonna make you look worse or you're gonna handle these things maturely.
:'''Drake''': Kinda like you do with Mindy?!
:'''Josh''': DIFFERENT!!! ''[crosses his arms]''
:'''Drake''': It's not different?
:'''Josh''': Mindy rubbing a new boyfriend in my face is an outrage, OUTRAGE!!!
:'''Drake''': And Eric wrecking my life isn't?!
:'''Josh''': I'm not saying it's not bro, but look you gotta help me with-- ''[the doorbell interrupts them as Drake opens the door and Clayton talks to Drake and Josh about what Drake did to his water]''
:'''Clayton''': ''[worried, mumbling]'' Why?
:''[Josh points to Drake and tells him to close the door. Drake awkwardly locks the door as he and Josh cool off]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chad''': Do you guys have free refills on the ginger ale?
:'''Josh''': Oh, you want some ginger ale do you? Yeah, Chad can't get enough of his precious ginger ale!! Oh, No! Well, I'll tell you what, Chad!!! Why not call up the ginger ale headquarters and have them back up a tanker truck to your mouth!? So Chad can drink ginger ale til' there's no more ginger ale for the REST OF THE EARTH'S POPULATION!!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[after Josh becomes obnoxious that Mindy has a new boyfriend, she comes over to check on him]''
:'''Josh''': What do you except? I mean, I know we're broken up, but that doesn’t give you the right to rub your new boyfriend in my face.
:'''Mindy''': He's not my boyfriend.
:'''Josh''': Look, I don't care what you call him-
:'''Mindy''': He's my cousin.
:'''Josh''': Your cousin?
:'''Mindy''': Yeah. I'm not dating anyone. He just moved here from St. Louis, so I've been showing him around.
:'''Josh''': Why didn't you tell me that?
:'''Mindy''': I tried, you never gave me a chance.
:'''Josh''': So tonight, you were just messing with my head? 
:'''Mindy''': I think you deserved it after the way you screamed at me. 
:'''Josh''': I still think that was a really obnoxious thing for you to do! 
:'''Mindy''': I think you acted ''way'' more obnoxious. 
:'''Josh''': Well, I'm just glad we're broken up! 
:'''Mindy''': Not as glad as I am! 
:'''Josh''': Oh, really?! 
:'''Mindy''': REALLY! ''[they make out]''
:'''Josh''': We're still broken up, right?
:'''Mindy''': Definitely.
:''[they continue to make out]''

===Megan's Revenge===
:''[Drake and Josh are in Megan's room]''
:'''Drake''': Now, put Megan's camera back where you found this. Being in her room creeps me out.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, me, too. ''[looks at Megan's hamster]'' Awww. Look at Megan's hamster. He's washing his little face.
:'''Drake''': Look, let's just get out of here.
:'''Josh''': Just wait. This is too cute. I gotta get a picture of him.
:'''Drake''': Well, hurry.
:'''Josh''': Okay! Smile, Hervay. 
:''[Hervay falls down from the camera shot Josh took]''
:'''Drake''': Awww. He's playing dead.
:'''Josh''': I think he really is dead!
:'''Drake''': Oh! That hamster cannot be dead. If that hamster is dead, we're dead because Megan’s gonna kill us!
:'''Josh''': W-W-What can I do about it?
:'''Drake''': I don't know your watch o.r.! Fix him.
:'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' Okay, okay. Um, alright, I need a CBC, uh, a chem seven chest phone.
:'''Drake''': Just give him CPU!
:'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' Alright! ''[takes out Hervay from his cage]'' See what everybody say with me!
:'''Drake''': Okay.
:'''Josh''': ''[blows on Hervay's mouth]'' 1 1,000 , 2 1,000 , 3 1,000 , BREATHE! ''[blows on Hervay's mouth again and tries to pick him up but fails]'' That's it. 10:22, I'm calling it!
:'''Drake''': NO! ''[runs up to Hervay and blows his mouth]'' 
:'''Josh''': ''[gaves Drake backwards]'' HE'S GONE!
:'''Drake''': Josh, Megan is going to kill us!
:'''Josh''': Maybe she won't. Maybe she'll understand.
:'''Drake''': Think about it. Megan does horrible horrible things to us every day for no reason. Now, SHE HAS A REASON!
:'''Josh''': WE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!
:''[Drake quickly puts the camera in her drawer and Josh puts Hervay back in his room as they leave Megan's room fast]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
Drake: Ow! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Megan uses a remote to create a hole on the floor to make Drake and Josh fall to the garage from their bedroom]''
:'''Megan''': Okay, that was good revenge, too. And by the way, you didn't kill Hervay. The camera flash just stunned. He's fine, see? ''[shows Drake and Josh her pet hamster Hervay who is still alive]''
:'''Drake and Josh''': MEGAN!

===Steered Straight===
:'''Josh''': Man, we can't get into the Reptile Room ''[nightclub]''. You have to be over 21.
:'''Drake''': You are, Mr... ''[pulls out fake ID]'' Yakitori!
:'''Josh''': ''[takes fake ID and looks at it]'' What's this?
:'''Drake''': Fake ID, here, check mine out. ''[takes out his own fake ID and gives it to Josh]''
:'''Josh''': ''[reads the name on Drake's fake ID]'' Jefferson Steelflex?
:'''Drake''': ''[laughs]'' Yeah, made it up.
:'''Josh''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, REALLY! So you're suggesting that we use fake IDs to get into a nightclub posing as... ''[reads the names on the IDs again]'' Jefferson Steelflex and Alvin Yakitori?
:'''Drake''': Yep. And, hey, we gotta be there before 10:30 because I'm pretty sure...
:'''Josh''': It's illegal to use fake IDs!
:'''Drake''': Yeah, well, it's illegal to rob banks, but people do it!
:'''Josh''': Yes, people who are BANK ROBBERS!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[after Blaze has gone]''
:'''Josh''': Are you CRAZY?! What if Mom, Dad or Megan are downstairs?
:'''Drake''': Look, both of the cars are gone, alright? So nobody's home.
:'''Josh''': Good. Oh, quick. Quick, let's call the cops before he comes back.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, right, right, right, right.
:'''Josh''': Okay.
:'''Drake''': Uh...
:'''Josh''': Uh, alright. ''[pushes the phone with his head and he and Drake struggle to call the police]'' Alright, work together. Teamwork.
:'''Drake''': Okay.
:'''Josh''': Teamwork.
:'''Drake''': Alright.
:'''Josh''': To the left.
:'''Drake''': Ow!
:'''Josh''': To the--
:'''Drake''': Grab it.
:'''Josh''': Alright. ''[the phone slides away from him and Drake]'' Teamworking.
:'''Drake''': Grab it. Alright, press the 9, man.
:'''Josh''': Oh, this isn't gonna work.
:'''Drake''': Alright. Fine, fine, here. ''[puts it behind him]'' I'll hold it behind my back, you dial it with your nose.
:'''Josh''': I'm not sticking my nose down there.
:'''Drake''': Would you rather take your chances with a vicious criminal?
:'''Josh''': I think so.
:'''Drake''': Oh, just dial the number.
:'''Josh''': Alright. ''[presses the 9 button with his nose]'' 9. ''[then the 1 button]'' 1. 
:''[sneezes on the phone and Drake lets go of it]''
:'''Drake''': Aw, man. You sneezed on my palm.
:'''Josh''': It is allergy season. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
It’s some goofy-looking dude in a really bad shirt. 
Drake and Josh: Dad.

===Megan's First Kiss=== 
Josh: Thanks for the tip, dad! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:'''Megan''': Um, what are you doing this Saturday night?
:'''Drake''': Going to a concert at the Mega Dome.
:'''Josh''': Why?
:'''Drake''': 'Cause we bought tickets.
:'''Josh''': ''[to Drake]'' Not you! ''[to Megan]'' Why do you wanna know what we're doing Saturday night?
:'''Megan''': I don't care what you're doing.
:'''Drake''': But you just asked us.
:'''Megan''': Or, maybe you, just asked yourselves! Yeah. Think about that... ''[Megan leaves the room smiling]''
:'''Drake''': Okay I wanna know what her deal is!
:'''Josh''': Yeah, yeah, yeah she's up to something!
:'''Drake''': Yeah, first she hangs up the phone, pretends to not be talking to anybody.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, and she measures our necks and asks of our social plans.
:'''Drake''': Wait, she said we asked ourselves about that.
:'''Josh''': Really, you're not a smart boy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake and Josh walk into the Premiere disguised as Jews]''
:'''Drake''': Okay, all I'm saying is, the next time we need disguises, I'm getting them!
:'''Josh''': I told you, the costume shop was closed, the temple was open! And these are good disguises.
:'''Drake''': I don't even know what accent to talk with. 
:'''Josh''': Doesn't matter, just sound foreign.
:'''Helen''': Can I help you gentlemen find something?
:'''Josh''': ''[Irish accent]'' Top of the mornin to ya, how are ya? Potata!
:'''Helen''': Potato?
:'''Drake''': ''[Irish accent]'' Come along, Pontiac.
:'''Josh''': Yes, let's go observe the mulberry bush!
:'''Drake''': Pip pip da doodly-doo!
:'''Helen''': Pip pip da doodly-doo! I'm gonna start sayin that.

===The Battle of Panthatar===
:''[Opening comments: Drake and Josh ask themselves random questions]''
:'''Drake''': Hello, what's your name?
:'''Josh''': Hi! Who are you?
:'''Drake''': What is your favorite thing to eat?
:'''Josh''': What games do you like to play?
:'''Drake and Josh''': Me, too!
:'''Drake''': Hey, do you like me?
:'''Josh''': Do you wanna be my friend?
:'''Drake''': Aw, thank you!
:'''Josh''': ... What is that supposed to mean?
:'''Drake''': You think I'm handsome? What a special thing to say!
:'''Josh''': What? Who are you calling a dork? Hey hey hey hey! Go fetch your mother! Yeah I'm talking to you!
:'''Drake''': A present? For me?
:'''Josh''': Alright just put your kid right in front of the TV set because I have a few things to say!
:'''Drake''': ''[holding a handed a plate of cookies]'' A plate of cookies? Ohh, yummy!
:'''Josh''': I-I think it's pretty rude to tell a person that he's a --''[boy spits in his eye]''... did you just... you spit in my eye!
:'''Drake''': Mmm... these are my favorite!
:'''Josh''': Ohh, it burns! Aghh! Aghh!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
Thornton: Hey, Nicholas.  

Crazy Steve: I AM TALKING TO PEOPLE!!! 
Thornton: UNINVITED!!!! 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:''[Drake enters his and Josh's room]''
:'''Drake''': Hey.
:'''Josh''': Well? Did you go to Thornton's house? Did you apologize?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, I went to Thornton's house, and I apologized.
:'''Josh''': Well, perfect, and?
:'''Drake''': He had his housekeeper kick me out, then he hit me with a broom, and I fell down some brick stairs.
:'''Josh''': ''[groans]'' I really wanted to go to that party. Why do you ruin everything?
:'''Drake''': Don't worry, alright? I'm gonna figure a way to get even with that Thornton.
:'''Josh''': I don't wanna get even. ''[whining]'' I WANNA GO TO THAT BIRTHDAY PARTY!
:'''Drake''': Bro, Thornton hates us.
:'''Josh''': Well, let's make him love us again.
:'''Drake''': I tried.
:'''Josh''': Well, maybe we can... ''[notices Drake's autographed [[The Beatles|Beatles]] ''Abbey Road'' album]'' Hey. Isn't Thornton a huge Beatles fan?
:'''Drake''': Well, yeah, but I don't see what that has to do-- [realizes what Josh means] Oh, no, no. No way. ''[hides it in his arms]'' Don't even think about it.
:'''Josh''': I'm telling you, if we give him that album--
:'''Drake''': Absolutely not.
:'''Josh''': I guarantee you he'll re-invite us.
:'''Drake''': Dude, I love this album more than I love myself.
:'''Josh''': Dude.
:'''Drake''': Okay, but I love this album a lot. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
Thornton: Hey! Drake and Josh are not invited! I want them outta here!

===[[w:Really Big Shrimp|Really Big Shrimp]]===
&lt;small&gt;Note: This episode was an hour long.&lt;/small&gt;
:'''Crazy Steve''': ''[looks at his watch]'' It's time! ''[he steals old man's cane and starts chasing Josh]'' You ate my enchilada!
:'''Josh''': There was no note!
:'''Crazy Steve''': You ate my enchilada!
:'''Josh''': There was no note! 
:'''Crazy Steve''': You ate my enchilada! 
:'''Josh''': I thought we settled this! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Audrey''': ''[hears doorbell; talking about Helen and Lula]'' Walter, they're here.
:'''Walter''': Ooh. ''[walks before the front door]''
:'''Megan''': Dad, are you sure about this?
:'''Walter''': Yes. And we are doing a very nice thing for a sweet old lady. ''[Lula breaks the door in] ''
:'''Lula''': Where's the bathroom?!
:'''Audrey''': Did you just break our door in?!
:'''Lula''': I rang the doorbell, waited 25 seconds, no one answered, what I supposed to do?
:'''Josh''': You could've rang the doorbell, again.
:'''Lula''': ''[to Helen]'' Who's that boy with a big head that looks like a tooth pick with a cantaloupe on top? ''[Megan laughs and Josh give her a furious look]''
:'''Megan''': What, am I going to pretend that wasn't funny?
:'''Helen''': That's Josh, he works with me at the Premeire. ''[introduces everyone else]'' That's Drake, I prefer him. That's Megan, that's Mrs. Parker (Audrey), and this is...''[forgets who Walter is]''
:'''Walter''': Walter!
:'''Lula''': Great, now where's the bathroom?!
:'''Audrey''': Right through that door.
:'''Lula''': Well, thank you for finally giving me that information! ''[walks into bathroom and slams door]''
:'''Audrey''': Is she always so--? 
:'''Helen''': Buh-bye! ''[goes away]''
:'''Megan''': I can't believe that lady is staying in our guest room for a week.
:'''Walter''': No, she's staying in your room.
:'''Megan''': What?!
:'''Audrey''': You'll be staying in the boys' room.
:'''Drake, Josh and Megan''': What?!
:'''Josh''': This is an outrage!
:'''Drake''': What are we gonna stay?
:'''Walter''': ''[to Drake and Josh]'' Your room is huge. The three of you will be fine for a week.
:'''Megan''': Aw, this is horrible.
:'''Walter''': It's not that bad.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Megan''': Fine, I'll tell him. Josh, Molly thinks you're cute.
:'''Megan's Friends''': Eww!
:''[Josh walks out of the room]''
:'''Molly''': Call me!!
:'''Megan's Friends''': Eww!
:''[Josh peeks his head back through the door]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake arrives home]''
:'''Audrey''': Super Bowl's on.
:'''Drake''': I don't care.
:'''Josh''': Come on, the commercial's up in about two minutes. You gotta watch. It's your song.
:'''Drake''': It's not my song. It's horrible bubble-gum pop garbage-y badness. That 50,000,000 people are about to hear. I'll be on the roof.
:'''Josh''': Why?
:'''Drake''': Because you're not there. ''[walks away]''
:'''Josh''': Drake! ''[runs off to Drake]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crazy Steve''': Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in...
:'''Lula''': ''[annoyed]'' I know how to breathe!
:'''Crazy Steve''': ''[screaming]'' '''''JUST DO WHAT I SAY!'''''
:'''Lula''': ''[scared]'' Okay. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mindy''': ''[Yells after Crazy Steve goes insane]'' Help! Crazy Steve's gone berserk! 
:'''Josh &amp; Helen''': Crazy Steve!? 
:'''Mindy''': WHO ELSE!? 
:'''Josh''': But it's Monday, you can't schedule Crazy Steve to work on a Monday! 
:'''Helen''': Monday's his bad day! 
:'''Mindy''': Well, no one TOLD me that!!! 
:'''Crazy Steve''': ''[waving nutted shoes]'' CUCKADOODLEDOO, THE COW SAYS MOO!!! 

I want the shrimp.

===Helicopter=== 
:'''Vince''': That's S.P.L.A.T.. 
:'''Drake''': That's spelled splat. 
:'''Vince''': Oh, man. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:''[Drake and Josh try to wake up Vince]''
:'''Josh''': Hey, hey. He's awake.
:'''Drake''': You're awake!
:'''Vince''': ''[wakes up]'' Oh, what happened? How long I been out?
:'''Drake''': About 10 minutes. 
:'''Vince''': Oh, I remember. You clowns were fighting over this parachute. ''[holds his head]'' Oh, what'd I hit my head on?
:'''Josh''': This fire extinguisher.
:'''Vince''': Oh.
:'''Josh''': See, I'm pretty sure you hit your head right on this lever-- ''[he accidentally sprays Vince with a fire extinguisher and Vince screams outside after he pranked him]''
:'''Drake''': ''[angrily]'' Do you know what you just did?!
:'''Josh''': ''[worried]'' I extinguished our pilot?
:'''Drake''': ''[angrily]'' No, he has a parachute! You've extinguished us!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Vince angrily arrives at Drake and Josh's house after Drake and Josh blasted him out of the helicopter]''
:'''Vince''': You blasted me out of my own helicopter.
:'''Drake &amp; Josh''': Wha-- shh!
:'''Drake''': Not in front of our parents.
:'''Audrey''': Who is it?
:'''Drake &amp; Josh''': Uh--
:'''Drake''': Some, crazy, guy.
:''[Josh whistles]''
:'''Walter''': ''[to Audrey]'' I'll handle this. ''[he walks over to Vince]'' How can I help you?
:'''Vince''': Are you their father?
:'''Walter''': Yes. ''[Vince angrily gives him a bill]'' What's this?
:'''Vince''': ''[angrily]'' A bill. That's how much you owe me for my new helicopter.
:'''Walter''': What? ''[looks at the bill Vince gave him how much he needs to pay for his helicopter]'' '''''$400,000?!'''''
:''[Audrey and Megan are both shocked]''
:'''Drake''': ''[as Walter]'' Boys, you're both grounded.
:'''Josh''': But, Dad--
:'''Drake''': ''[as Walter]'' Grounded, two weeks.
:'''Josh''': But it wasn't our fault!
:'''Drake''': ''[as Walter]'' Upstairs.
:'''Josh''': ''[defeated]'' Yes, sir.
:'''Drake''': Night.
:'''Josh''': Night.
:''[knowing the consequences, Drake and Josh ground themselves for two weeks as the episode ends]''

===Dance Contest===
:'''Eric''': So, uh, Josh, thanks for throwing me this... great party.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, this is quite a party. Hope the neighbors don't call the cops on us.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:'''Stage director''': STOP IT! ''[multiple times]'' Perhaps, you ladies didn't read the rules: you fight, you're out! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Drake and Josh''': ''[last lines]'' Who is she?

==External links==

{{wikipedia|Drake &amp; Josh}}

[[Category:Drake &amp; Josh seasons]]
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>avqfuwgkahrz70f46u0uty6njdicxhw</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153655</id>
      <parentid>3153654</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T20:19:14Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>68.196.68.120</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* The Battle of Panthatar */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="58147" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 1|1]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 2|2]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 3|3]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 4|4]] | [[Drake &amp; Josh|Main]]
----
'''''[[w:Drake &amp; Josh|Drake &amp; Josh]]''''' is an American television sitcom created by Dan Schneider for Nickelodeon. The series follows the lives of two teenage boys with opposite personalities, Drake Parker (Drake Bell) and Josh Nichols (Josh Peck), who are stepbrothers.

===Josh Runs Into Oprah===
:''[Megan opens up Josh's birthday cake]''
:'''Josh''': You made me a birthday cake?
:'''Megan''': Uh-huh. Mom gave me the recipe. I think it turned out pretty good. There.
:'''Josh''': Wow! This is really full of poison, isn't it?
:'''Megan''': No!
:'''Josh''': No, what then, huh, huh, huh, hot sauce some kind of extreme laxident?
:'''Megan''': Oh, c'mon! I wouldn't let you eat a cake that make you sick on your birthday.
:'''Josh''': I'm sorry.
:'''Megan''': It's okay. Make a wish. ''[Josh blows out the birthday candles from his cake as it exploded and he turns around to Megan as he had cake pieces on his face when she pranked him]'' I didn't say it wouldn't explode!
:'''Josh''': I don't blame you so much for doing it, as I blame myself for not anticipating it.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:'''Drake''': Hey, WATCH IT, WATCH IT!!! ''[Josh screams]'' 
:''[Oprah screams as they accidentally hit her and she jumps onto the front of their car and slides off, much to Josh's horror]'' 
:'''Woman''': OPRAH!!! Oh, my god! Oprah! Somebody call for help! 
:'''Josh''': I RAN OVER OPRAH!!! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Josh angrily comes home from the hospital after Drake pranked the whole hospital thinking Josh has a virus, which in return, causes him to get a chemical bath]''
:'''Drake''': Hey, man.
:'''Josh''': ''HEY, MAN''?!
:'''Drake''': Hey... man?
:'''Josh''': You left me at hospital to be chemicaLY bathed!
:'''Drake''': Oh, yeah, how'd it go?
:'''Josh''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, actually, it was quite soothing especially the part where they...OH, IT WAS HORRIBLE!!
:'''Drake''': Kay, what up with the 'tude?
:'''Josh''': D'you know what its like to get an involuntry chemical bath? it stings...''EVERYWHERE''!
:'''Drake''': Alright, look. Tell you what, I'm going to make up to you, okay?
:'''Josh''': No. Okay, no you're not, because that's when the badness happens. The only time you do anything nice to me is after you caused me some kind of physical damage or emotional distress! You are never going to make up anything to me ever again!
:'''Drake''': Wait, do these sound okay to you? ''[Drake plays his Bongos for Josh to try to cheer him up, but Josh rips the taped up Bongos then leaves]'' Would you bring me the hot glue gun?
:'''Josh''': NOT REALLY! ''[slams the door]''

===Vicious Tiberius===
:''[Drake and Josh found out that their dad did not answer the phone because he was working out at home singing]''
:'''Drake''': Well?
:'''Josh''': No answer.
:'''Drake''': You probably dialed the wrong number. Let me see it--
:'''Josh''': No, I think I know our own number.
:'''Drake''': Dude, just let me try-- ''[he and Josh both fight with Josh's phone and it lands in the toilet]'' Nice! ''[sees Josh's phone in the toilet]''
:'''Josh''': It's your fault. Go get it.
:'''Drake''': I'm not putting my hand in there! That's where Mrs. Hayfer pees!
:'''Josh''': Probably doesn't even work anymore.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, well, let's see. ''[flushes Josh's phone away]'' It still works.
:'''Josh''': I knew the toilet still worked, Drake. I MEANT MY PHONE!
:'''Drake''': Oh, well, that's gone.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Megan''': ''[offscreen]'' Hello? Anybody home?
:'''Josh''': Who's that?
:'''Drake''': It sounds like Megan.
:'''Megan''': ''[offscreen]'' Drake? Josh?
:'''Josh''': That ''is'' Megan, how does she know? Oh, no, she's outside with Tiberius!
:'''Drake''': Oh, he'll eat her alive!
:'''Josh''': C'mon! ''[tries to open the door but Drake puts his foot on the door]'' Dude!
:'''Drake''': ''[blocks the door]'' Well, just 'cause she gets eaten, doesn't mean we have to.
:'''Josh''': That's our little sister out there, we've gotta help her!
:'''Drake''': Alright.
:'''Josh''': C'mon. ''[he and Drake come out of the bathroom and see Megan in the living room to reveal that Tiberius is behaving as he loud whispers]'' Megan! Run!
:'''Megan''': I don't wanna run.
:'''Drake''': ''[loud whisper]'' But he's vicious.
:'''Megan''': Yeah, he's real vicious. Ooh, down, boy. You're so scary.
:''[Drake and Josh walk by to her]''
:'''Josh''': I don't get it. Well, he's all calm.
:'''Drake''': Evil dog, evil girl. Makes perfect sense.
:'''Megan''': Where have you two been? You were supposed to pick me up two hours ago.
:'''Josh''': How'd you know we were here?
:'''Megan''': Dad said you were stopping here and then picking me up, which you didn't.
:'''Josh''': We couldn't.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, we were trapped here by this demon dog.
:'''Megan''': What're you talking about?
:'''Josh''': When you're not around, he goes all berserk and tries to kill us.
:'''Megan''': Really?
:'''Drake and Josh''': Yeah/Uh-huh.
:'''Megan''': ''[satisfied]'' See ya.
:''[after Megan leaves the house, Tiberius traps Drake and Josh in the bathroom again]''

===The Wedding===
:''[Opening comments: Drake and Josh talk about how unpleasant their great aunt Catherine is and both are in agreement that she is quite unpleasant]''
:'''Josh''': So, me and Drake have this Great Aunt Catherine.
:'''Drake''': Have you ever met my Great Aunt Catherine? No? Well, hey. Lucky you.
:'''Josh''': She's almost 90 years old.
:'''Drake''': She's like 90,000 years old.
:'''Josh''': She's not nice!
:'''Drake''': She is mean. ''[gets closer to the viewers]'' Mean to the ''bone''!
:'''Josh''': Something's not right about Aunt Catherine.
:'''Drake''': She collects hair... from people she doesn't even know well!
:'''Josh''': Oh, and get this.
:'''Drake and Josh''': Aunt Catherine's getting married!
:'''Josh''': I mean, who wants to get married at 89 years old?
:'''Drake''': You know, Josh and I disagree on a lot of stuff, but I bet he hates Aunt Catherine just as much as I do.
:'''Josh''': I wonder if Drake hates Aunt Catherine as much as I do. ''[turns to Drake]'' Do ya?
:'''Drake''': Totally.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Josh''': Why are you in such a hurry?
:'''Drake''': 'Cause I want Aunt Catherine's beach house, bad.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, so do I.
:'''Drake''': Well, we can't be late for the wedding, and we have to pick up the cake.
:'''Josh''': Dude, we got plenty of time, alright? Just as long as we get to the bakery before... ''[notices his laptop case gone]'' Hey, have you seen my laptop case? I thought I left it right here.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, I gave it to Craig and Eric.
:'''Josh''': You... You what?!
:'''Drake''': They told me you said it was cool.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, I said it was cool for 'em to borrow my computer, but why'd you give them the whole case? It had my cell phone in it and my keys to Mom's SUV! Now we have no car!
:'''Drake''': Well, I'll just call Craig and Eric and tell them to come back.
:'''Josh''': No, we can't. They don't have cell phones.
:'''Drake''': Why?
:'''Josh''': 'Cause Papa Nichols threw Eric's against the wall and broke it, and Craig's mom thinks cell phones cause ear sores!
:'''Drake''': Craig does get a lot of ear sores.
:'''Josh''': Look, we cannot be late to this wedding!
:'''Drake''': Right, okay, um... Trevor!
:'''Josh''': What about Trevor?
:'''Drake''': We'll borrow his car.
:'''Josh''': His girlfriend sleeps in it.
:'''Drake''': No, they broke up. She sleeps in some other guy's car now.
:'''Josh''': I don't wanna go to a wedding in Trevor's El Camino, it's old and gross.
:'''Drake''': So is Aunt Catherine.
:'''Josh''': Drake, if we--
:'''Drake''': Look, it runs, and the wedding cake will fit in the back. And the most important thing is it'll get us there on time. ''[starts calling Trevor on the phone]'' 

===Mindy Loves Josh===
:'''Josh''': What do you want?
:'''Megan''': There's a couple of guys outside stealing  your bike.
:'''Josh''': Oh I just moved the chain, HANDS OFF MY RIDE! ''[runs outside]'' Hey!
:'''Mindy''': Maybe, I should have call the police.
:'''Megan''': Nah, no ones stealing his bike.
:'''Mindy''': What did you tell him that for? You got him all upset for nothing.
:'''Megan''': Yeah. 

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
Megan: What are you eating? 
Drake: Big cookie. 

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
Josh: Mindy, I am in the process of becoming a woman, so I worried… 
Drake: JOSH!!! OH, MY GOD, JOSH!!!! 
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Megan comes inside Drake and Josh's room and tells Drake her truth after making his hands green (when she saw Drake eating her cookie)]''
:'''Drake''': Oh, it's you. Close the door!
:'''Megan''': ''[closes the door and walks up to Drake]'' What's going on?
:'''Drake''': Swear not to tell mom and dad?
:'''Megan''': Swear.
:'''Drake''': Well, I've have this rare skin disease called dermatameculitis.
:'''Megan''': ''[gasps]'' Oh my god! Are you okay?
:'''Drake''': I will be. See, I read online that you can cure it by soaking in zipholic acid which is in lizard pee.
:'''Megan''': Or you know there is another cure.
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Megan''': Next time, don't eat my big cookie.
:'''Drake''': What are you saying?
:'''Megan''': I tricked you into thinking you have a rare skin disease by dying your hands and feet green while you slept and that you were stupid enough to actually fall for it and stick your hands and feet in buckets in lizard pee. That what I'm saying.
:'''Drake''': Megan!
:'''Megan''': You have a little somethin' on your upper lip.
:''[Drake touches his upper lip with his green hand and suffers from it as Megan leaves his and Josh's room]''
:'''Drake''': Wait!
:'''Megan''': What?
:'''Drake''': Is it gone?
:''[Megan leaves the room]''

===Who's Got Game?===
:'''Carly''': ''[walks up to Drake]'' Help you find something?
:'''Drake''': Oh no, I got- ''[turns to see her]'' No, I got it.
:'''Carly''': Sparks, nice. Yes, I saw them live last week at &quot;The Phyton&quot;.
:'''Drake''': No way, I was there.
:'''Carly''': Oh, yeah, you were that guy in the crowd listening.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, that was me!
:'''Carly''': I was kidding.
:'''Drake''': Me, too.
:'''Carly''': Come on, I'll ring you up.
:'''Drake''': Okay.
:''[they both walk up to the cashier's desk]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Josh''': ''[walks up to Drake]'' Well, while you keep kissing your new girlfriend, I'm going to go back home and move my special pillow onto your bed.
:'''Drake''': What? ''[turns around to Josh]''
:'''Josh''': Well, I've had 22 dates this you week and you've only had one.
:'''Drake''': Okay, yeah. I guess you get my bed. Alright, you win.
:'''Josh''': I win? I GOT MORE GIRLS THAN DRAKE!! ''[laughs]'' JOSH NICHOLS IS NO LONGER A LITTLE CATERPILLAR, AH, HE IS A BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY!! ''[flaps wings for a while then stops out of embarrassment]'' See you guys at home. ''[walks away]''

===The Great Doheny===
:'''Josh''': Uh, Megan. This is Henry Doheny. I'm gonna go make him a sandwich with some crinko cup fries and you keep him company. ''[runs off to make Doheny his sandwich]''
:'''Megan''': Henry Doheny. Didn't you use to be like a really famous magician?
:'''Henry Doheny''': Hmmm. ''[pretends to think]''  Why don't you, reach into, ''[points to trash can and Megan looks at it]'' that decorative trash can and tell me.
:'''Megan''': ''[looks at him, searches through the trash-can, picks out old papers than a bunny, and gasps]'' A bunny!
:'''Henry Doheny''': Her name is Cookie, if you hold her close, she'll lick your nose.
:'''Megan''': ''[puts Cookie to her face and Cookie begins to lick her as she laughs]'' Oh my god, this is the cutest bunny I've ever seen! Can I keep her?
:'''Henry Doheny''': I insist!
:'''Megan''': Thanks! ''[goes to her room, admiring Cookie]''
:'''Henry Doheny''': ''[To Drake]'' Pick a card!
:'''Drake''': ''[picks a card]'' Now what?
:'''Henry Doheny''': Now, put it back. ''[Drake gives the card back and he takes the deck into his jacket]''
:'''Drake''': ''[looks at Doheny with a weird gaze]'' What's my card?
:'''Henry Doheny''': Cough. ''[Drake coughs out a card]'' Open it. ''[Drake does so and Doheny isn't even looking]'' Is that your card?
:'''Drake''': Yeah. Please do me a favor and don't make things come outta my body.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Walter''': ''[looking himself in the mirror after Doheny made him bald]'' Ahh! Check me out! I'm bald. ''[leaving the room]'' Honey, Mr. Doheny made me bald!

===I Love Sushi===
:'''Josh''': ''[presses record button on video camera remote for filming contest entry video]'' Dear pump my room, this is our living room.
:'''Drake''': A room, in which we live. 
:'''Josh''': Um, we really wish we'd win this makeover.
:'''Drake''': But not for us.
:'''Josh''': For our parents.
:'''Drake''': We call them, &quot;Mom and Dad&quot;.
:'''Josh''': You see, my dad married his mom almost five years ago.
:'''Drake''': I am still in shock.
:'''Josh''': And soon, it'll be their fifth anniversary.
:'''Drake''': ''[sheepishly]'' Still in shock.
:'''Josh''': Now, we can't afford to buy them anything fancy.
:'''Drake''': So we pray that you wonderful people at Pump my Room choose us.
:'''Josh''': Eh, our parents.
:'''Drake''': For the special gift, of a room makeover. ''[desperately]'' Please.
:'''Josh''': ''[desperately]'' Please. ''[Drake and Josh both embrace each other, drake grabs for the remote to end the video recording]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Josh''': Okay, mom and dad. Here it comes.
:'''Drake''': Who's ready to go inside?
:'''Audrey''': What is up with you guys?
:'''Walter''': Yeah, you kept us out all day driving all over the city.
:'''Drake''': Get ready. ''[he opens the door as he, Josh, Walter, and Audrey come inside the house]''
:'''Drake and Josh''': HAPPY ANNIVERS- ''[they turn on the lights to reveal that the furniture in the living room has been stolen]'' -''[lamely]'' sery.
:'''Walter''': Drake?
:'''Audrey''': Josh!
:'''Walter''': Where's our stuff?
:'''Josh''': We've been robbed!
:'''Drake''': ''[curious]'' Surprise!
:''[Walter and Audrey both get shocked after all of the furniture from the living room disappeared]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Drake Parker. Josh Nichols. ''[Drake and Josh come in Mr. Nadel's office]'' What do you want?
:'''Josh''': We understand that you give people temporary jobs?
:'''Mr. Nadel''': So?
:'''Josh''': And we'd like one.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': And I'd like to meet with another woman who doesn't change her phone number after the first date.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, well good luck with that.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Ok, what are your skills?
:'''Drake''': I play guitar and date girls.
:'''Josh''': Well, I'm an honor student. I'm pretty good with magic tricks, I can cook. Oh, in the 5th grade I was vote most polite child-
:'''Mr. Nadel''': ''[yells]'' NO! THAT'S ENOUGH! ''[in a normal voice]'' Well, let's see, I've got men's room attendant, ditch digger, or you could clean up after elephants at the zoo?
:'''Drake''': Wow, they all sound so wonderful.
:'''Josh''': Do you gave any jobs that are, you know... not repulsive?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, and we want one that pays a lot.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Sure, and I wanna meet a woman who doesn't change her phone number after the first date.
:'''Josh''': You already said that.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': ''[yelling]'' WELL IT HAPPENS EVERY TIME! I MEAN WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!
:'''Drake''': We just want jobs.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Alright look, I got two jobs working the line at a fish factory. Not glamorous enough for you?
:'''Josh''': Well, what would we have to do?
:'''Mr. Nadel''': You'd be assembling packages of sushi for distribution to local supermarkets. Pays 18 bucks an hour. Each.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, we'll take it.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Good. Happy. Happy. Here's the address. Be there Saturday morning 8:00.
:'''Drake:''' 8:00?
:'''Josh''': We'll be there.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Yeah, yeah.
:''[Drake and Josh leave Mr. Nadel's office; Nadel types in numbers on his phone from a piece of paper]''
:'''Phone''': The number you have reached has been disconnected
:'''Mr. Nadel''': ''[bangs on desk]'' EVERY TIME! Stupid lotion! ''[knocks a bottle of lotion on the floor]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': Look man, we tried our best I can't think of anything else...
:''[Drake and Josh realize they're sitting on the couch and feel it to make sure they're not dreaming Josh looks around and sees everything back in the living room]''
:'''Josh''': The Furniture's back!
:'''Drake''': We did it!
:'''Josh''': We didn't do anything!
:'''Audrey''': Howdy, boys.
:'''Walter''': Surprised?
:'''Josh''': Yeah! How'd you get our furniture back?
:'''Audrey''': The police found the robbers moving van.
:'''Walter''': It was broken down about a half a mile up the street.
:'''Drake''': And they found everything?
:'''Walter''': Yep.
:'''Audrey''': It's all here. ''[smells rotten stench on Drake and Josh]'' Do I smell rotting sushi?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, it's a long story.
:'''Josh''': Uh see we...
:'''Walter''': ''[cuts Josh off at mid sentence]'' We don't want to know.

===The Storm===
:''[Drake hits Eric in the chest and notices Lucy]''
:'''Eric''': Ow.
:'''Drake''': That's Lucy, my ex-girlfriend. Josh invited my ex-girlfriend?
:'''Eric''': Well, yeah. When we were going over the gas list, Josh said you and Lucy were still friends.
:'''Drake''': Well, we are, but I invited Carly. I can't have my current girlfriend and my ex-girlfriend at the same party. You want the universe to explode? Man, what am I gonna--? ''[hits Eric in the chest again and notices Christine]'' 
:'''Eric''': Ow!
:'''Drake''': Christine? How many of my ex-girlfriends are here?
:'''Eric''': Just those two. I hope. Or else I'm gonna need chest replacement surgery!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': ''[after being on the phone with Josh]'' That was Josh.
:'''Julio''': They cancelled the concert?
:'''Drake''': The whole stage is underwater.
:'''Gary''': My uncle's got a boat!
:'''Drake''': That's great, Gary. Why don't ya climb into your uncle's boat and SAIL OFF TO MORON ISLAND?!!! 

&lt;hr width=“50%”&gt; 
Crazy Steve: C’MON, DORA!!!

===My Dinner with Bobo===
:''[Drake and Josh and Megan get a car]''
:'''Megan''': ''[looking at a car with tattooed flowers]'' Oh my god! I love this car! Let's buy this one!
:'''Drake''': Shall we harmonize?
:'''Josh''': Let's.
:'''Drake and Josh''': ''[singing]'' No!
:'''Megan''': Dad said I can help pick out the car.
:'''Drake''': Uh yes. And thank you for helping us decide we're not getting this one.
:'''Megan''': Don't push me.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': ''[appears and gets out of his cart]'' Well now, let me guess! You folks are looking for a car.
:'''Josh''': Hey, you're Stan the Car Man.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': The very same.
:'''Josh''': I know, I love your commercials. You need a car, you need a truck, you need a van! Come see Stan the Car Man!
:'''Drake''': Who sells trucks and vans.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': I don't like it when people imitate me.
:'''Josh''': I'm sorry.
:'''Drake''': I'm also sorry. ''[points at a monkey]'' Hey, Bobo! Aw, I love this guy! ''[picks up Bobo]''
:'''Stan the Car Man''': He seems to have taken a liking to you too!
:'''Drake''': Aw, he's awesome.
:'''Megan''': Yeah, maybe he can tutor you in math.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': How much were you boys hoping to spend in this vehicle?
:'''Drake''': About $2400.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': $2400. About what car did you had in mind?
:'''Josh''': Something safe.
:'''Drake''': Something fast.
:'''Josh''': Gets good mileage.
:'''Drake''': It's gotta have satellite radio.
:'''Josh''': Heated seats would be nice.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': Huh?
:'''Josh''': I get cold down there.
:'''Megan''': Look! No one is interested in your butt temperature problems.
:'''Josh''': Dr. Fish bum is.
:'''Drake''': Look, can you just show us something we can afford?
:'''Stan the Car Man''': Well, I surely can. Right over there!
:'''Josh''': Alright.
:'''Drake''': Come on. ''[he and Josh walk away]''
:'''Stan the Car Man''': Butt temperature problems?
:'''Megan''': He's a mess. ''[she and Stan the Car Man walk away too]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake and Josh come inside Dr. Favershim's apartment to rescue Bobo]''
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Come in.
:'''Drake''': We are in.
:'''Josh''': Yeah. And we want Bobo back.
:'''Dr. Favershim''': I'm sorry, we had a deal. $10,000 for your delicious friends.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, well deal's off.
:'''Josh''': So just take your check back and give us Bobo.
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Are you sure?
:'''Josh''': Absolutely.
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Very well, Bobo is in the back of the closet right over there. You may fetch him.
:'''Josh''': Back of the closet?
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Good.
:'''Josh''': Come on dude, let's go get him.
:'''Drake''': Whoa? Is he in here?
:'''Josh''': Perhaps.
:'''Drake''': In the coat, where is he?
:''[when Dr. Favershim locked Drake and Josh in the closet so he could eat Bobo, Drake and Josh yell inside the closet in order to get out after Dr. Favershim pranked them]''
:'''Dr. Favershim''': I'm sorry boys, but I can't let you interfere with my dinner plans. ''[takes off the curtain off of Bobo's cage]'' Hello, little friend. I hope you have good taste.
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' You open the door or we're gonna call the cops!
:'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' Yeah, we have a cellphone in here!
:'''Dr. Favershim''': You have no cellphone.
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Do too!
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Prove it.
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' How?
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Play me a ringtone.
:''[Josh plays a ringtone on his phone from the closet]''
:'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' See? I told ya we got a cellphone!
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Does it have Bluetooth?
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' What?!?!
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Your cellphone, does it have Bluetooth?
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Ya, dude it has Bluetooth.
:'''Dr. Favershim''': I don't believe you. Show me.
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Fine! Open the door! ''[Dr. Favershim opens door]'' See, Bluetooth! Ha, ha! ''[Dr. Favershim pushes Josh back in the closet, takes his phone, and locks the door again]'' What?! Oh, man!
:'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' Oh, nice goin', Bluetooth!
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Don't start with me! ''[Josh slaps Drake off-screen]''
:'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' Ow!
:''[Dr. Favershim cuts slices of a carrot and takes a bite and walks up to Bobo to eat a piece, too]'' 

===Tree House===
:''[Drake and Josh are trapped inside Robbie's treehouse when they're trying to rebuild it]''
:'''Josh''': Drake…? 
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Josh''': Where's the door hole?
:'''Drake''': It goes right there, see? I drew it with a magic marker.
:'''Josh''': You were supposed to cut it out with the power saw!
:'''Drake''': Dude, I'm gonna!
:'''Josh''': Oh, really?
:'''Drake''': Yes!
:'''Josh''': So go get the power saw.
:'''Drake''': Okay, I will! ''[tries to walk through the wall where the painted door is]'' I see the problem…. 
:'''Josh''': Oh, do ya?!

&lt;hr width=50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Megan refuses to let Drake and Josh out of the Robbie's tree house because she is angry that they made her miss her friend Janie's birthday party]''
:'''Megan''': ''[walks to Drake with a snow cone]'' Hey boob.
:'''Drake''': Where you've been?
:'''Megan''': I told you I was about to get a snow cone.
:'''Drake''': Okay, well now that you have one, can you please hand up the power saw so we can get out of here?
:'''Megan''': Let me think, no!
:'''Drake''': Listen to me! You make us miss our dates with those two hot identical twins. I swear- ''[Josh grabs him]''
:'''Josh''': Hey!
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Josh''': We don't need that power saw!
:'''Drake''': Then how are we gonna get out of here?
:'''Josh''': ''[grabs the power screwdriver]'' Power screwdriver! We just need to unscrew one of these walls and boom we are out!
:'''Drake''': Do it brother!
:'''Josh''': Okay. ''[he power screws the door but realized it's dead]'' Set this baby to reverse.
:'''Drake''': Why'd it stop?
:'''Josh''': I don't know. The screwdriver- ''[looks outside the window thinking that Megan unplugged it]'' MEGAN!
:'''Megan''': ''[satisfied; after she unplugged the power screwdriver]'' Yes, can I help you? 

===Josh is Done===
:'''Drake''': C'mon, let's play ping-pong!
:'''Josh''': Alright. I'll play if it'll stop you from yapping.
:'''Drake''': And the battle begins! ''[rings bell]'' Ohh, my worthy opponent. Are you prepared to ping the pong?
:'''Josh''': Wahahaha. I am prepared, young sedgewan. Your pong is no match for my ping!
:'''Drake''': Ahh, do your worst! ''[he and Josh play ping-pong until Josh's paddle flies out of his hand and out the window, to Josh’s horror]'' You have smashed the window of transparency!
:'''Josh''': ''[runs to the broken window]'' Aw, man! Mom and dad are gonna kill me!
:'''Drake''': Oh, probably. Come on, let's finish the game.
:'''Josh''': I don't have a paddle!
:'''Drake''': Oh, there's an extra one downstairs, be back in a sec.
:'''Josh''': We can't be late for this-
:'''Drake''': I'll be back in a few seconds, you can study while I'm gone. ''[gives Josh the book and leaves the room]''
:'''Josh''': I don't think it leaves us enough- ''[opens the book a reads a page]'' What is the atomic weight of beryllium? 9.01. ''[yells]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Josh''': ''[All sweaty from running all the way to class after Drake left him behind, bumps into the door]'' PLEASE! PLEASE, LEMME IN!! I AM SORRY I'M LATE! ''[Drake looks at him from his desk]''
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Opens the door]'' Mr. Nichols, you know the rule. 
:'''Josh''': B-But you don't understand. You see, I was just about to- 
:'''Mr. Roland''': I understand that you are late, and when you're late to my class, you're not welcomed in my class. 
:'''Josh''': Uh, b-but w-what about the exam? 
:'''Mr. Roland''': You will take a make-up exam next Saturday morning at 6AM, and you will be marked down 1 letter grade! 
:'''Josh''': ''[Very upset and despairing]'' Oh, no. No-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh!!! ''[Points at Drake angrily]'' YOU!
:'''Drake''': ''[Defensively]'' What? 
:'''Josh''': ''[Yells and runs in the classroom to attack Drake, only to be held back by the other students, while Drake stares]'' COME HERE! COME HERE, YOU WANNA TUSSLE!? LET'S GO!! LET ME CLOSER!!! 
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[enraged]'' Mr. Nichols! Mr. Nichols, you will leave this classroom NOW! 
:'''Josh''': But- 
:'''Mr. Roland''': NOW! 
:'''Josh''': I- 
:'''Mr. Roland''': NOW! 
:'''Josh''': ''[defeated]'' Now...? ''[Leaves the classroom as Mr. Roland locks the classroom door, as Josh continues trying to plead his case]'' Now, if you would just allow me to explain, OH!!! ''[Mr. Roland yanks down the door window shade]''
:'''Mr. Roland''': As I was saying, you will have 55 minutes to complete your exams. ''[Mr. Roland walks over to the classroom windows to close the blinds as Josh from outside still tries to plead his case.]'' You will use a #2 pencil.
:'''Josh''': ''[Sobbing]'' Your so hard! 
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Closes first blind]'' Not #1, not #3.
:'''Josh''': ''[Still sobbing]'' So unbelievably hard!
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Closes second blind]'' If you have any questions during the exams, don’t ask them!
:'''Josh''': ''[Still sobbing]'' I really do, I give everything a hundred…
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Closes last blind]'' I want silence in this classroom! Silence, is golden.
:'''Josh''': ''[Freaks out]'' Nooo! Nah! Nah! Nah! Nah!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Drake''': ''[Gets home after the exam (which he failed most likely) and takes Robbie's sit-n-bounce just to get Josh over his rage, still not caring about making him late earlier despite wanting to have fun together]'' Hey, Josh. What goes on? 
:'''Josh''': Just readin' my book. 
:'''Drake''': ''[signs]'' Look, I'm sorry about this morning. You know, but Kat called and wanted to make out, and, you know, Kat. 
:'''Josh''': ''[Knowing that Drake's apology is fake]'' Yes, yes. She's very pretty. 
:'''Drake''': Alright, you're still mad. But you won't be for long, 'cause I got you your very own sit-n-bounce! ''[Josh says nothing]'' Sit-n-bounce!  
:'''Josh''': No, thanks. 
:'''Megan''': Doesn't that kid Robbie next door have a sit-n-bounce just like that? 
:'''Drake''': No! No. And, c'mon, have you ever sat and bounced before? You can't be upset when you're sittin' and bouncin'. ''[plays with it. Josh closes his book and gets up, Drake bounces in front of him]'' 
:'''Josh''': Would you please move?
:'''Drake''': ''[stop bouncing]'' Look, dude, I said I was sorry.
:'''Josh''': Oh, I heard you.
:'''Drake''': Well, stop being mad at me.
:'''Josh''': I'm not mad at you. I'm done.
:'''Drake''': What's that supposed to mean?
:'''Josh''': I don't want anything to do with you anymore.
:'''Drake''': So what, are you gonna move out?
:'''Josh''': No, this is a house where I live, and I guess we'll be roommates until the day I leave for college. But that's all we'll be, is roommates. I'm done with you. ''[walks away, leaving Drake concerned]'' 
:'''Megan''': Whoa! 
:'''Drake''': What? 
:'''Megan''': You really did it this time. 
:'''Drake''': Oh, c'mon, ya know how many times Josh has been ''furious'' with me? Uh, he'll pout for a day or 2, and then he'll get over it. 
:'''Megan''': I dunno, he sounded pretty serious. 
:'''Drake''': Trust me. Alright, I know Josh, and there's no way he's gonna keep this up- 
:'''Robbie''': ''[walks in]'' I knew it! I knew you took my sit-n-bounce! ''[kicks Drake in the leg and takes his sit-n-bounce back]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''[Without Josh, Drake begins suffering bad luck, while Josh's life improves with more good luck than ever, even passing his make-up exam and getting his grade back up]'' 
:'''Drake''': ''[arrives at the Primere ]'' Hello, Josh.
:'''Josh''': Hi, Drake.
:'''Craig''': Why are you all sweaty?
:'''Drake''': I'm all sweaty because I ran out of gas and I had to walk all the way here because SOMEBODY forgot to fill up the car!
:'''Josh''': It's not my responsibility to fill the car with gas.
:'''Drake''': You always fill up the car!
:'''Josh''': Used to, now I put in just enough gas for myself.
:'''Drake''': Well, good! You know, good for you! I DON'T NEED YOUR GAS! And just so you know, I'm gonna go see a movie right now and I don't need a free ticket from you cause mom paid me 10 bucks to get out of the house! So I don't need you for ANYTHING!
:'''Leah''': Movie tickets here are $11.
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Eric''': And popcorn and soda are gonna cost you another 6 or 7.
:'''Drake''': D'oh! You know what? I'm not even gonna buy a ticket, I'm just going in. Right, just going right in! ''[yells at ticket checker employee, he stubbornly walks into theater 7]'' 
:'''Josh''': ''[clears throat, grabs the communicator]'' Security, we have a problem in theater 7: male Caucasian, sweaty, wearing a gray sweatshirt. ''[beeps]'' So what's the difference between a hoagie and a submarine sandwich? 
:'''Steve''': I always thought a hoagie was a hot sandwich, and a submarine could be served hot or cold. 
:'''Craig''': No, I think it's the other way around. 
:'''Eric''': Okay, but what's a grinder? 
:'''Leah''': Same thing as a hoagie. 
:'''Drake''': ''[getting dragged by the security guards]'' Hey! Hey! Let go, let go! Josh, Josh! Tell them to let me go! Josh, Josh! Tell them! Tell them! Look this way, I know this guy, I know this guy. Ask him, ask him. 
:'''Security Guard''': Is this guy a friend of yours? 
:''[pause]''
:'''Josh''': ''[satisfied]'' No, he's not. 
:'''Drake''': ''[frustrated]'' Josh!! Oh. You're gonna regret this, Josh! You need me! YOU NEED ME!!! 
:'''Josh''': So, hoagie and grinder same thing, huh? 
:'''Leah, Steve, Eric, &amp; Craig''': ''[All talking at once in agreement]'' Yes./That's right./Uh-huh./Yeah. 
:'''Steve''': All in the sandwich family.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': ''[After being switched with another lab partner named Clayton, messes up his science experiment, causing green water to flow and spill over his hand]'' Whoa-whoa! Hey-hey! What's happening, what's happening!? Oh-okay-okay-okay! Arms tingling, arms tingling! 
:'''Craig''': Chemical emergency! ''[Turns on the alarm]'' 
:'''Mr. Roland''': Let's get him in the power-shower! ''[Grabs Drake and carries him into the chemical shower, as Josh watches in shock]'' 
:'''Drake''': Hey-hey! Watch it, will you-!? What is this!? ''[Roki shuts the door, Mr. Roland turns on the water]'' What are you, what are you-!? AAA-OOHHHH!!!! ''[Starts yelling as the water stingingly washes off the chemicals]''  
:'''Mr. Roland''': Drake, are you alright? 
:'''Drake''': Hey! What is this water!? Ow! ''[Continues yelling as everybody, including Josh, watches]'' 
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Drake has just been in the chemical shower, turns off the water]'' Drake, you may come out now. ''[Drake comes out, all soaked and groaning]'' Sit down, Drake. ''[Drake ignores him, walks towards the door]'' Drake, sit down!
:'''Drake''': No!
:'''Mr. Roland''': Drake!
:'''Drake''': Josh!
:'''Josh''': What?
:'''Drake''': Look, I'm sorry.
:'''Josh''': Well--
:'''Drake''': Look, let me finish, okay? I was wrong, okay? I was wrong.
:'''Josh''': What d'you mean?
:'''Drake''': I-I need you more than you need me. Uh, I-I need you ''way more'' than you need me, a-alright? I'm sorry. M-Man, I'm sorry I made you late for your exam, and I'm sorry I ran over your bike, and I, uh-- I-I'm sorry, I'm probably the worst brother in the world! And y-you know, you're way better off without me, you know? I just-- I just need you to understand that-- uh, I just-- Sorry, Josh, I'm sorry. ''[tearfully walks out of the classroom, leaving Josh stunned]''
:'''Mr. Roland''': Josh, would you like to go talk to Drake?
:'''Josh''': ''[realizes he has gone a little too far for cutting Drake out of his life, seeing how he learned his lesson the hard way]'' No. No, sir.
:'''Mr. Roland''': Alright. Class, let's get back to our experiments. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[As Drake miserably tries to play ping-pong alone, Josh runs in with a kung fu yell, ready to forgive his brother]''
:'''Josh''': Hoaw! We have unfinished business, young sedgewan. 
:'''Drake''': Josh…. 
:'''Josh''': Wa-cho! You will address me only as Master Mon-googoo. ''[Drake cheers up as Josh picks up his paddle]'' 
:'''Drake''': Your words, they are strong. Uh, but your skills are weak!
:'''Josh''': Your foolishness, young sedgewan, has sealed your fate! 
:'''Drake''': Aw, destiny is mine! ''[They play ping-pong ball together and reconcile again happily as the episode ends]''

===Eric Punches Drake===
:'''Mr. Roland''': Josh, Mindy. The new chemistry books just arrived. They're in my classroom. 
:'''Mindy''': No way! 
:'''Josh''': Oh, come on! 
:'''Craig''': Hey, remember in Dragon to Death when Billy Chang fights Joaquin the Dream?
:'''Eric''': Remember? One does not forget the wo-cho fist of silence. ''[Tries to demonstrate, only to accidentally punch Drake in the eye and knock him out in the process]'' Oh, my god! 
:'''Craig''': Drake, are you alright!? 

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
:'''Josh''': Hey, Craig. 
:'''Craig''': Evenin'. 
:'''Josh''': Where's Eric? 
:'''Craig''': Oh, he didn't wanna come. He was afraid Drake might be mad at him 'cause he punched him in the eye. 
:'''Josh''': He's not mad. Drake, you're not mad, are you? 
:'''Drake''': Nah, I'm not mad. Craig didn't mean to hit me. 
:'''Craig''': I'M Craig! 
:'''Drake''': ''[scoffs]'' It matters. 

&lt;hr width =50%&gt; 
:''[door bell rings]'' 
:'''Josh''': Yo, Drake, get that! 
:'''Drake''': Got it. ''[opens the door and finds Mindy there]'' Oh, is it Halloween already? Aren't you a scary, little witch? 
:'''Mindy''': Oh, look at your black eye. Well, I hope it hurts.
:'''Drake''': You shebeast!
:'''Mindy''': Microbrain!
:'''Drake''': Weirdface!
:'''Mindy''': Ignoramus!
:'''Drake''': ''[beat]'' What?
:'''Mindy''': Exactly! 
:'''Chad''': Hey. 
:'''Mindy''': Oh, hey. 
:'''Chad''': Sorry, I had to park the car at the bottom of the hill. 
:'''Mindy''': Oh, no problem. Step aside. ''[both walk inside. Drake suspects Chad to be Mindy's new boyfriend and goes into the kitchen, while Josh and Craig set up the projector]'' 
:'''Drake''': JOSH! 
:'''Josh''': ''[jumps, accidentally flips the projector]'' Aw, now I gotta reset the white balance! 
:'''Drake''': No, I need to talk to you! ''[to Craig]'' Get out. ''[Craig walks out]'' 
:'''Josh''': What? 
:'''Drake''': Mindy's here.  
:'''Josh''': I know, I invited her. 
:'''Drake''': Did you invite ''him?'' ''[turns Josh's head around towards Chad]''  
:'''Josh''': Who's him? 
:'''Drake''': Her date. 
:'''Josh''': ''[shudders]'' I don't care. 
:'''Drake''': Yes, you do!

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
:'''Drake''': Hey, Clayton. 
:'''Clayton''': ''[mumbling]'' Hi. 
:''[Drake slips his mouth-wash, then takes Clayton's water bottle, spits in it, and gives it back to him (possibly as revenge for Drake's chemical incident in the previous episode), to Clayton's disgust. 3 students walk behind Drake, laughing at him]''
:'''Drake''': Hello? 
:'''Boy''': ''[sees Drake's black eye]'' It's true! 
:'''Drake''': Oh, the black eye? Yeah, a little accident. 
:'''Boy''': That's not what we heard. 
:'''Drake''': And what did you hear? 
:'''Boy''': That you're making fun of Eric's sister. 
:'''Girl''': Hey, Drake. I heard you got punched by a nerd. 
:'''Drake''': IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!!! 

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
:'''Crazy Steve''': Excuse me, Josh. 
:'''Josh''': What!? 
:'''Crazy Steve''': I notice you're stacking that candy in an angry way. 
:'''Josh''': I AM angry! Alright, Mindy's over there with her new boyfriend, rubbing him right in my face. 
:'''Crazy Steve''': I just give this a little squeeze... DON'T DRINK WHILE I'M TALKING!!!! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Craig''': ''[pops up from the trash can]'' Hello.
:'''Drake''': ''[screams]'' Craig?
:'''Craig''': Are you alone?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, I'm alone.
:'''Craig''': Good. ''[holds out a bag of pork rinds]'' Pork rind?
:'''Drake''': Sure. ''[takes a pork rind from the bag and starts eating it]'' So you're the one that sent the blimp?
:'''Craig''': That's right.
:'''Drake''': ''[concerned]'' Why would you wanna take down Eric? He's your best friend.
:'''Craig''': WAS my best friend. Now that Eric's Mr. Popular pants and has a hot girlfriend, he doesn't give a rat's hat about me!
:'''Drake''': Rat's hat?
:'''Craig''': ''[furious]'' He's forgotten that I am the one who's been his best friend since we were 7 years old! THAT I'M THE ONE WHO DRIED HIS TEARS WHEN HIS IGUANA GOT DIABETES! THAT I--  
:'''Drake''': ''[He interrupts Craig]'' OKAY, OKAY, I get it, get it, get it. Just tell me how to stop him.
:'''Craig''': Ok, but first you have to promise me something.
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Craig''': I love to sing.
:'''Drake''': ''[confused, steps aside]'' And?
:'''Craig''': And you are like a professional singer.
:'''Drake''': ''[still confused]'' You wanna sing a song with me?
:'''Craig''': I've wanted this for a long time!
:'''Drake''': Ok, ok, if you help me prove Eric's a liar, you can sing a song with me.
:'''Craig''': Excellent. Now, listen carefully. Eric, is a pacifist.
:'''Drake''': I thought he was Jewish.
:'''Craig''': A pacifist is someone who refuses to fight.
:'''Drake''': Okay...
:'''Craig''': So, if you insult Eric in front of a bunch of people, he won't fight back, and then everyone will know he was lying about standing up to you!
:'''Drake''': Uh-huh!
:'''Craig''': And then he won't be popular anymore which means he'll come crawling back to me! And don't forget our song.
:'''Drake''': I won't forget the song.
:'''Craig''': Good, I'll start practicing.
:''[Drake walks away while Craig starts singing in the dumpster behind the school's cafeteria]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': ''[he stops the argument about stacks of cards]'' Okay, you know what?! You know what?! Enough with the cards, alright?! I got big problems!
:'''Josh''': What, that Eric thing?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, he's lying to everybody and ruining my life just to make himself popular. But you know what? 
:'''Josh''': What?
:'''Drake''': I'm gonna go find Eric and punch him right in his little nerdy head!
:'''Josh''': You don't want to do that! ''[grabs him]''
:'''Drake''': Then give me a one good reason.
:'''Josh''': 'Cause it's not gonna help you! Alright? It's just gonna make you look worse or you're gonna handle these things maturely.
:'''Drake''': Kinda like you do with Mindy?!
:'''Josh''': DIFFERENT!!! ''[crosses his arms]''
:'''Drake''': It's not different?
:'''Josh''': Mindy rubbing a new boyfriend in my face is an outrage, OUTRAGE!!!
:'''Drake''': And Eric wrecking my life isn't?!
:'''Josh''': I'm not saying it's not bro, but look you gotta help me with-- ''[the doorbell interrupts them as Drake opens the door and Clayton talks to Drake and Josh about what Drake did to his water]''
:'''Clayton''': ''[worried, mumbling]'' Why?
:''[Josh points to Drake and tells him to close the door. Drake awkwardly locks the door as he and Josh cool off]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chad''': Do you guys have free refills on the ginger ale?
:'''Josh''': Oh, you want some ginger ale do you? Yeah, Chad can't get enough of his precious ginger ale!! Oh, No! Well, I'll tell you what, Chad!!! Why not call up the ginger ale headquarters and have them back up a tanker truck to your mouth!? So Chad can drink ginger ale til' there's no more ginger ale for the REST OF THE EARTH'S POPULATION!!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[after Josh becomes obnoxious that Mindy has a new boyfriend, she comes over to check on him]''
:'''Josh''': What do you except? I mean, I know we're broken up, but that doesn’t give you the right to rub your new boyfriend in my face.
:'''Mindy''': He's not my boyfriend.
:'''Josh''': Look, I don't care what you call him-
:'''Mindy''': He's my cousin.
:'''Josh''': Your cousin?
:'''Mindy''': Yeah. I'm not dating anyone. He just moved here from St. Louis, so I've been showing him around.
:'''Josh''': Why didn't you tell me that?
:'''Mindy''': I tried, you never gave me a chance.
:'''Josh''': So tonight, you were just messing with my head? 
:'''Mindy''': I think you deserved it after the way you screamed at me. 
:'''Josh''': I still think that was a really obnoxious thing for you to do! 
:'''Mindy''': I think you acted ''way'' more obnoxious. 
:'''Josh''': Well, I'm just glad we're broken up! 
:'''Mindy''': Not as glad as I am! 
:'''Josh''': Oh, really?! 
:'''Mindy''': REALLY! ''[they make out]''
:'''Josh''': We're still broken up, right?
:'''Mindy''': Definitely.
:''[they continue to make out]''

===Megan's Revenge===
:''[Drake and Josh are in Megan's room]''
:'''Drake''': Now, put Megan's camera back where you found this. Being in her room creeps me out.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, me, too. ''[looks at Megan's hamster]'' Awww. Look at Megan's hamster. He's washing his little face.
:'''Drake''': Look, let's just get out of here.
:'''Josh''': Just wait. This is too cute. I gotta get a picture of him.
:'''Drake''': Well, hurry.
:'''Josh''': Okay! Smile, Hervay. 
:''[Hervay falls down from the camera shot Josh took]''
:'''Drake''': Awww. He's playing dead.
:'''Josh''': I think he really is dead!
:'''Drake''': Oh! That hamster cannot be dead. If that hamster is dead, we're dead because Megan’s gonna kill us!
:'''Josh''': W-W-What can I do about it?
:'''Drake''': I don't know your watch o.r.! Fix him.
:'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' Okay, okay. Um, alright, I need a CBC, uh, a chem seven chest phone.
:'''Drake''': Just give him CPU!
:'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' Alright! ''[takes out Hervay from his cage]'' See what everybody say with me!
:'''Drake''': Okay.
:'''Josh''': ''[blows on Hervay's mouth]'' 1 1,000 , 2 1,000 , 3 1,000 , BREATHE! ''[blows on Hervay's mouth again and tries to pick him up but fails]'' That's it. 10:22, I'm calling it!
:'''Drake''': NO! ''[runs up to Hervay and blows his mouth]'' 
:'''Josh''': ''[gaves Drake backwards]'' HE'S GONE!
:'''Drake''': Josh, Megan is going to kill us!
:'''Josh''': Maybe she won't. Maybe she'll understand.
:'''Drake''': Think about it. Megan does horrible horrible things to us every day for no reason. Now, SHE HAS A REASON!
:'''Josh''': WE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!
:''[Drake quickly puts the camera in her drawer and Josh puts Hervay back in his room as they leave Megan's room fast]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
Drake: Ow! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Megan uses a remote to create a hole on the floor to make Drake and Josh fall to the garage from their bedroom]''
:'''Megan''': Okay, that was good revenge, too. And by the way, you didn't kill Hervay. The camera flash just stunned. He's fine, see? ''[shows Drake and Josh her pet hamster Hervay who is still alive]''
:'''Drake and Josh''': MEGAN!

===Steered Straight===
:'''Josh''': Man, we can't get into the Reptile Room ''[nightclub]''. You have to be over 21.
:'''Drake''': You are, Mr... ''[pulls out fake ID]'' Yakitori!
:'''Josh''': ''[takes fake ID and looks at it]'' What's this?
:'''Drake''': Fake ID, here, check mine out. ''[takes out his own fake ID and gives it to Josh]''
:'''Josh''': ''[reads the name on Drake's fake ID]'' Jefferson Steelflex?
:'''Drake''': ''[laughs]'' Yeah, made it up.
:'''Josh''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, REALLY! So you're suggesting that we use fake IDs to get into a nightclub posing as... ''[reads the names on the IDs again]'' Jefferson Steelflex and Alvin Yakitori?
:'''Drake''': Yep. And, hey, we gotta be there before 10:30 because I'm pretty sure...
:'''Josh''': It's illegal to use fake IDs!
:'''Drake''': Yeah, well, it's illegal to rob banks, but people do it!
:'''Josh''': Yes, people who are BANK ROBBERS!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[after Blaze has gone]''
:'''Josh''': Are you CRAZY?! What if Mom, Dad or Megan are downstairs?
:'''Drake''': Look, both of the cars are gone, alright? So nobody's home.
:'''Josh''': Good. Oh, quick. Quick, let's call the cops before he comes back.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, right, right, right, right.
:'''Josh''': Okay.
:'''Drake''': Uh...
:'''Josh''': Uh, alright. ''[pushes the phone with his head and he and Drake struggle to call the police]'' Alright, work together. Teamwork.
:'''Drake''': Okay.
:'''Josh''': Teamwork.
:'''Drake''': Alright.
:'''Josh''': To the left.
:'''Drake''': Ow!
:'''Josh''': To the--
:'''Drake''': Grab it.
:'''Josh''': Alright. ''[the phone slides away from him and Drake]'' Teamworking.
:'''Drake''': Grab it. Alright, press the 9, man.
:'''Josh''': Oh, this isn't gonna work.
:'''Drake''': Alright. Fine, fine, here. ''[puts it behind him]'' I'll hold it behind my back, you dial it with your nose.
:'''Josh''': I'm not sticking my nose down there.
:'''Drake''': Would you rather take your chances with a vicious criminal?
:'''Josh''': I think so.
:'''Drake''': Oh, just dial the number.
:'''Josh''': Alright. ''[presses the 9 button with his nose]'' 9. ''[then the 1 button]'' 1. 
:''[sneezes on the phone and Drake lets go of it]''
:'''Drake''': Aw, man. You sneezed on my palm.
:'''Josh''': It is allergy season. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
It’s some goofy-looking dude in a really bad shirt. 
Drake and Josh: Dad.

===Megan's First Kiss=== 
Josh: Thanks for the tip, dad! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:'''Megan''': Um, what are you doing this Saturday night?
:'''Drake''': Going to a concert at the Mega Dome.
:'''Josh''': Why?
:'''Drake''': 'Cause we bought tickets.
:'''Josh''': ''[to Drake]'' Not you! ''[to Megan]'' Why do you wanna know what we're doing Saturday night?
:'''Megan''': I don't care what you're doing.
:'''Drake''': But you just asked us.
:'''Megan''': Or, maybe you, just asked yourselves! Yeah. Think about that... ''[Megan leaves the room smiling]''
:'''Drake''': Okay I wanna know what her deal is!
:'''Josh''': Yeah, yeah, yeah she's up to something!
:'''Drake''': Yeah, first she hangs up the phone, pretends to not be talking to anybody.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, and she measures our necks and asks of our social plans.
:'''Drake''': Wait, she said we asked ourselves about that.
:'''Josh''': Really, you're not a smart boy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake and Josh walk into the Premiere disguised as Jews]''
:'''Drake''': Okay, all I'm saying is, the next time we need disguises, I'm getting them!
:'''Josh''': I told you, the costume shop was closed, the temple was open! And these are good disguises.
:'''Drake''': I don't even know what accent to talk with. 
:'''Josh''': Doesn't matter, just sound foreign.
:'''Helen''': Can I help you gentlemen find something?
:'''Josh''': ''[Irish accent]'' Top of the mornin to ya, how are ya? Potata!
:'''Helen''': Potato?
:'''Drake''': ''[Irish accent]'' Come along, Pontiac.
:'''Josh''': Yes, let's go observe the mulberry bush!
:'''Drake''': Pip pip da doodly-doo!
:'''Helen''': Pip pip da doodly-doo! I'm gonna start sayin that.

===The Battle of Panthatar===
:''[Opening comments: Drake and Josh ask themselves random questions]''
:'''Drake''': Hello, what's your name?
:'''Josh''': Hi! Who are you?
:'''Drake''': What is your favorite thing to eat?
:'''Josh''': What games do you like to play?
:'''Drake and Josh''': Me, too!
:'''Drake''': Hey, do you like me?
:'''Josh''': Do you wanna be my friend?
:'''Drake''': Aw, thank you!
:'''Josh''': ... What is that supposed to mean?
:'''Drake''': You think I'm handsome? What a special thing to say!
:'''Josh''': What? Who are you calling a dork? Hey hey hey hey! Go fetch your mother! Yeah I'm talking to you!
:'''Drake''': A present? For me?
:'''Josh''': Alright just put your kid right in front of the TV set because I have a few things to say!
:'''Drake''': ''[holding a handed a plate of cookies]'' A plate of cookies? Ohh, yummy!
:'''Josh''': I-I think it's pretty rude to tell a person that he's a --''[boy spits in his eye]''... did you just... you spit in my eye!
:'''Drake''': Mmm... these are my favorite!
:'''Josh''': Ohh, it burns! Aghh! Aghh!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:'''Thornton''': What's up, Nicholas? 

:'''Thronton''': MARIA!!! 
:'''Maria''': Thronton! 
:'''Josh''': Free popcorn??? 

:'''Thronton''': What's the matter with you!? 

:'''Josh''': ''[sobs]'' 
:'''Crazy Steve''': Excuse me! No yelling in the theater area. 
:'''Lady''': Excuse me, where's the ladies' restroom? 
:'''Crazy Steve''': I AM TALKING TO PEOPLE!!! 
:'''Thornton''': UNINVITED!!!! ''[storms away]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:''[Drake enters his and Josh's room]''
:'''Drake''': Hey.
:'''Josh''': Well? Did you go to Thornton's house? Did you apologize?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, I went to Thornton's house, and I apologized.
:'''Josh''': Well, perfect, and?
:'''Drake''': He had his housekeeper kick me out, then he hit me with a broom, and I fell down some brick stairs.
:'''Josh''': ''[groans]'' I really wanted to go to that party. Why do you ruin everything?
:'''Drake''': Don't worry, alright? I'm gonna figure a way to get even with that Thornton.
:'''Josh''': I don't wanna get even. ''[whining]'' I WANNA GO TO THAT BIRTHDAY PARTY!
:'''Drake''': Bro, Thornton hates us.
:'''Josh''': Well, let's make him love us again.
:'''Drake''': I tried.
:'''Josh''': Well, maybe we can... ''[notices Drake's autographed [[The Beatles|Beatles]] ''Abbey Road'' album]'' Hey. Isn't Thornton a huge Beatles fan?
:'''Drake''': Well, yeah, but I don't see what that has to do-- [realizes what Josh means] Oh, no, no. No way. ''[hides it in his arms]'' Don't even think about it.
:'''Josh''': I'm telling you, if we give him that album--
:'''Drake''': Absolutely not.
:'''Josh''': I guarantee you he'll re-invite us.
:'''Drake''': Dude, I love this album more than I love myself.
:'''Josh''': Dude.
:'''Drake''': Okay, but I love this album a lot. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:'''Thornton''': Hey! Drake and Josh are not invited! I want them outta here!

===[[w:Really Big Shrimp|Really Big Shrimp]]===
&lt;small&gt;Note: This episode was an hour long.&lt;/small&gt;
:'''Crazy Steve''': ''[looks at his watch]'' It's time! ''[he steals old man's cane and starts chasing Josh]'' You ate my enchilada!
:'''Josh''': There was no note!
:'''Crazy Steve''': You ate my enchilada!
:'''Josh''': There was no note! 
:'''Crazy Steve''': You ate my enchilada! 
:'''Josh''': I thought we settled this! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Audrey''': ''[hears doorbell; talking about Helen and Lula]'' Walter, they're here.
:'''Walter''': Ooh. ''[walks before the front door]''
:'''Megan''': Dad, are you sure about this?
:'''Walter''': Yes. And we are doing a very nice thing for a sweet old lady. ''[Lula breaks the door in] ''
:'''Lula''': Where's the bathroom?!
:'''Audrey''': Did you just break our door in?!
:'''Lula''': I rang the doorbell, waited 25 seconds, no one answered, what I supposed to do?
:'''Josh''': You could've rang the doorbell, again.
:'''Lula''': ''[to Helen]'' Who's that boy with a big head that looks like a tooth pick with a cantaloupe on top? ''[Megan laughs and Josh give her a furious look]''
:'''Megan''': What, am I going to pretend that wasn't funny?
:'''Helen''': That's Josh, he works with me at the Premeire. ''[introduces everyone else]'' That's Drake, I prefer him. That's Megan, that's Mrs. Parker (Audrey), and this is...''[forgets who Walter is]''
:'''Walter''': Walter!
:'''Lula''': Great, now where's the bathroom?!
:'''Audrey''': Right through that door.
:'''Lula''': Well, thank you for finally giving me that information! ''[walks into bathroom and slams door]''
:'''Audrey''': Is she always so--? 
:'''Helen''': Buh-bye! ''[goes away]''
:'''Megan''': I can't believe that lady is staying in our guest room for a week.
:'''Walter''': No, she's staying in your room.
:'''Megan''': What?!
:'''Audrey''': You'll be staying in the boys' room.
:'''Drake, Josh and Megan''': What?!
:'''Josh''': This is an outrage!
:'''Drake''': What are we gonna stay?
:'''Walter''': ''[to Drake and Josh]'' Your room is huge. The three of you will be fine for a week.
:'''Megan''': Aw, this is horrible.
:'''Walter''': It's not that bad.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Megan''': Fine, I'll tell him. Josh, Molly thinks you're cute.
:'''Megan's Friends''': Eww!
:''[Josh walks out of the room]''
:'''Molly''': Call me!!
:'''Megan's Friends''': Eww!
:''[Josh peeks his head back through the door]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake arrives home]''
:'''Audrey''': Super Bowl's on.
:'''Drake''': I don't care.
:'''Josh''': Come on, the commercial's up in about two minutes. You gotta watch. It's your song.
:'''Drake''': It's not my song. It's horrible bubble-gum pop garbage-y badness. That 50,000,000 people are about to hear. I'll be on the roof.
:'''Josh''': Why?
:'''Drake''': Because you're not there. ''[walks away]''
:'''Josh''': Drake! ''[runs off to Drake]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crazy Steve''': Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in...
:'''Lula''': ''[annoyed]'' I know how to breathe!
:'''Crazy Steve''': ''[screaming]'' '''''JUST DO WHAT I SAY!'''''
:'''Lula''': ''[scared]'' Okay. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mindy''': ''[Yells after Crazy Steve goes insane]'' Help! Crazy Steve's gone berserk! 
:'''Josh &amp; Helen''': Crazy Steve!? 
:'''Mindy''': WHO ELSE!? 
:'''Josh''': But it's Monday, you can't schedule Crazy Steve to work on a Monday! 
:'''Helen''': Monday's his bad day! 
:'''Mindy''': Well, no one TOLD me that!!! 
:'''Crazy Steve''': ''[waving nutted shoes]'' CUCKADOODLEDOO, THE COW SAYS MOO!!! 

I want the shrimp.

===Helicopter=== 
:'''Vince''': That's S.P.L.A.T.. 
:'''Drake''': That's spelled splat. 
:'''Vince''': Oh, man. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:''[Drake and Josh try to wake up Vince]''
:'''Josh''': Hey, hey. He's awake.
:'''Drake''': You're awake!
:'''Vince''': ''[wakes up]'' Oh, what happened? How long I been out?
:'''Drake''': About 10 minutes. 
:'''Vince''': Oh, I remember. You clowns were fighting over this parachute. ''[holds his head]'' Oh, what'd I hit my head on?
:'''Josh''': This fire extinguisher.
:'''Vince''': Oh.
:'''Josh''': See, I'm pretty sure you hit your head right on this lever-- ''[he accidentally sprays Vince with a fire extinguisher and Vince screams outside after he pranked him]''
:'''Drake''': ''[angrily]'' Do you know what you just did?!
:'''Josh''': ''[worried]'' I extinguished our pilot?
:'''Drake''': ''[angrily]'' No, he has a parachute! You've extinguished us!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Vince angrily arrives at Drake and Josh's house after Drake and Josh blasted him out of the helicopter]''
:'''Vince''': You blasted me out of my own helicopter.
:'''Drake &amp; Josh''': Wha-- shh!
:'''Drake''': Not in front of our parents.
:'''Audrey''': Who is it?
:'''Drake &amp; Josh''': Uh--
:'''Drake''': Some, crazy, guy.
:''[Josh whistles]''
:'''Walter''': ''[to Audrey]'' I'll handle this. ''[he walks over to Vince]'' How can I help you?
:'''Vince''': Are you their father?
:'''Walter''': Yes. ''[Vince angrily gives him a bill]'' What's this?
:'''Vince''': ''[angrily]'' A bill. That's how much you owe me for my new helicopter.
:'''Walter''': What? ''[looks at the bill Vince gave him how much he needs to pay for his helicopter]'' '''''$400,000?!'''''
:''[Audrey and Megan are both shocked]''
:'''Drake''': ''[as Walter]'' Boys, you're both grounded.
:'''Josh''': But, Dad--
:'''Drake''': ''[as Walter]'' Grounded, two weeks.
:'''Josh''': But it wasn't our fault!
:'''Drake''': ''[as Walter]'' Upstairs.
:'''Josh''': ''[defeated]'' Yes, sir.
:'''Drake''': Night.
:'''Josh''': Night.
:''[knowing the consequences, Drake and Josh ground themselves for two weeks as the episode ends]''

===Dance Contest===
:'''Eric''': So, uh, Josh, thanks for throwing me this... great party.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, this is quite a party. Hope the neighbors don't call the cops on us.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:'''Stage director''': STOP IT! ''[multiple times]'' Perhaps, you ladies didn't read the rules: you fight, you're out! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Drake and Josh''': ''[last lines]'' Who is she?

==External links==

{{wikipedia|Drake &amp; Josh}}

[[Category:Drake &amp; Josh seasons]]
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3153656</id>
      <parentid>3153655</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T20:20:11Z</timestamp>
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      <text bytes="58206" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
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:'''Seasons:'''  [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 1|1]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 2|2]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 3|3]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 4|4]] | [[Drake &amp; Josh|Main]]
----
'''''[[w:Drake &amp; Josh|Drake &amp; Josh]]''''' is an American television sitcom created by Dan Schneider for Nickelodeon. The series follows the lives of two teenage boys with opposite personalities, Drake Parker (Drake Bell) and Josh Nichols (Josh Peck), who are stepbrothers.

===Josh Runs Into Oprah===
:''[Megan opens up Josh's birthday cake]''
:'''Josh''': You made me a birthday cake?
:'''Megan''': Uh-huh. Mom gave me the recipe. I think it turned out pretty good. There.
:'''Josh''': Wow! This is really full of poison, isn't it?
:'''Megan''': No!
:'''Josh''': No, what then, huh, huh, huh, hot sauce some kind of extreme laxident?
:'''Megan''': Oh, c'mon! I wouldn't let you eat a cake that make you sick on your birthday.
:'''Josh''': I'm sorry.
:'''Megan''': It's okay. Make a wish. ''[Josh blows out the birthday candles from his cake as it exploded and he turns around to Megan as he had cake pieces on his face when she pranked him]'' I didn't say it wouldn't explode!
:'''Josh''': I don't blame you so much for doing it, as I blame myself for not anticipating it.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:'''Drake''': Hey, WATCH IT, WATCH IT!!! ''[Josh screams]'' 
:''[Oprah screams as they accidentally hit her and she jumps onto the front of their car and slides off, much to Josh's horror]'' 
:'''Woman''': OPRAH!!! Oh, my god! Oprah! Somebody call for help! 
:'''Josh''': I RAN OVER OPRAH!!! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Josh angrily comes home from the hospital after Drake pranked the whole hospital thinking Josh has a virus, which in return, causes him to get a chemical bath]''
:'''Drake''': Hey, man.
:'''Josh''': ''HEY, MAN''?!
:'''Drake''': Hey... man?
:'''Josh''': You left me at hospital to be chemicaLY bathed!
:'''Drake''': Oh, yeah, how'd it go?
:'''Josh''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, actually, it was quite soothing especially the part where they...OH, IT WAS HORRIBLE!!
:'''Drake''': Kay, what up with the 'tude?
:'''Josh''': D'you know what its like to get an involuntry chemical bath? it stings...''EVERYWHERE''!
:'''Drake''': Alright, look. Tell you what, I'm going to make up to you, okay?
:'''Josh''': No. Okay, no you're not, because that's when the badness happens. The only time you do anything nice to me is after you caused me some kind of physical damage or emotional distress! You are never going to make up anything to me ever again!
:'''Drake''': Wait, do these sound okay to you? ''[Drake plays his Bongos for Josh to try to cheer him up, but Josh rips the taped up Bongos then leaves]'' Would you bring me the hot glue gun?
:'''Josh''': NOT REALLY! ''[slams the door]''

===Vicious Tiberius===
:''[Drake and Josh found out that their dad did not answer the phone because he was working out at home singing]''
:'''Drake''': Well?
:'''Josh''': No answer.
:'''Drake''': You probably dialed the wrong number. Let me see it--
:'''Josh''': No, I think I know our own number.
:'''Drake''': Dude, just let me try-- ''[he and Josh both fight with Josh's phone and it lands in the toilet]'' Nice! ''[sees Josh's phone in the toilet]''
:'''Josh''': It's your fault. Go get it.
:'''Drake''': I'm not putting my hand in there! That's where Mrs. Hayfer pees!
:'''Josh''': Probably doesn't even work anymore.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, well, let's see. ''[flushes Josh's phone away]'' It still works.
:'''Josh''': I knew the toilet still worked, Drake. I MEANT MY PHONE!
:'''Drake''': Oh, well, that's gone.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Megan''': ''[offscreen]'' Hello? Anybody home?
:'''Josh''': Who's that?
:'''Drake''': It sounds like Megan.
:'''Megan''': ''[offscreen]'' Drake? Josh?
:'''Josh''': That ''is'' Megan, how does she know? Oh, no, she's outside with Tiberius!
:'''Drake''': Oh, he'll eat her alive!
:'''Josh''': C'mon! ''[tries to open the door but Drake puts his foot on the door]'' Dude!
:'''Drake''': ''[blocks the door]'' Well, just 'cause she gets eaten, doesn't mean we have to.
:'''Josh''': That's our little sister out there, we've gotta help her!
:'''Drake''': Alright.
:'''Josh''': C'mon. ''[he and Drake come out of the bathroom and see Megan in the living room to reveal that Tiberius is behaving as he loud whispers]'' Megan! Run!
:'''Megan''': I don't wanna run.
:'''Drake''': ''[loud whisper]'' But he's vicious.
:'''Megan''': Yeah, he's real vicious. Ooh, down, boy. You're so scary.
:''[Drake and Josh walk by to her]''
:'''Josh''': I don't get it. Well, he's all calm.
:'''Drake''': Evil dog, evil girl. Makes perfect sense.
:'''Megan''': Where have you two been? You were supposed to pick me up two hours ago.
:'''Josh''': How'd you know we were here?
:'''Megan''': Dad said you were stopping here and then picking me up, which you didn't.
:'''Josh''': We couldn't.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, we were trapped here by this demon dog.
:'''Megan''': What're you talking about?
:'''Josh''': When you're not around, he goes all berserk and tries to kill us.
:'''Megan''': Really?
:'''Drake and Josh''': Yeah/Uh-huh.
:'''Megan''': ''[satisfied]'' See ya.
:''[after Megan leaves the house, Tiberius traps Drake and Josh in the bathroom again]''

===The Wedding===
:''[Opening comments: Drake and Josh talk about how unpleasant their great aunt Catherine is and both are in agreement that she is quite unpleasant]''
:'''Josh''': So, me and Drake have this Great Aunt Catherine.
:'''Drake''': Have you ever met my Great Aunt Catherine? No? Well, hey. Lucky you.
:'''Josh''': She's almost 90 years old.
:'''Drake''': She's like 90,000 years old.
:'''Josh''': She's not nice!
:'''Drake''': She is mean. ''[gets closer to the viewers]'' Mean to the ''bone''!
:'''Josh''': Something's not right about Aunt Catherine.
:'''Drake''': She collects hair... from people she doesn't even know well!
:'''Josh''': Oh, and get this.
:'''Drake and Josh''': Aunt Catherine's getting married!
:'''Josh''': I mean, who wants to get married at 89 years old?
:'''Drake''': You know, Josh and I disagree on a lot of stuff, but I bet he hates Aunt Catherine just as much as I do.
:'''Josh''': I wonder if Drake hates Aunt Catherine as much as I do. ''[turns to Drake]'' Do ya?
:'''Drake''': Totally.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Josh''': Why are you in such a hurry?
:'''Drake''': 'Cause I want Aunt Catherine's beach house, bad.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, so do I.
:'''Drake''': Well, we can't be late for the wedding, and we have to pick up the cake.
:'''Josh''': Dude, we got plenty of time, alright? Just as long as we get to the bakery before... ''[notices his laptop case gone]'' Hey, have you seen my laptop case? I thought I left it right here.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, I gave it to Craig and Eric.
:'''Josh''': You... You what?!
:'''Drake''': They told me you said it was cool.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, I said it was cool for 'em to borrow my computer, but why'd you give them the whole case? It had my cell phone in it and my keys to Mom's SUV! Now we have no car!
:'''Drake''': Well, I'll just call Craig and Eric and tell them to come back.
:'''Josh''': No, we can't. They don't have cell phones.
:'''Drake''': Why?
:'''Josh''': 'Cause Papa Nichols threw Eric's against the wall and broke it, and Craig's mom thinks cell phones cause ear sores!
:'''Drake''': Craig does get a lot of ear sores.
:'''Josh''': Look, we cannot be late to this wedding!
:'''Drake''': Right, okay, um... Trevor!
:'''Josh''': What about Trevor?
:'''Drake''': We'll borrow his car.
:'''Josh''': His girlfriend sleeps in it.
:'''Drake''': No, they broke up. She sleeps in some other guy's car now.
:'''Josh''': I don't wanna go to a wedding in Trevor's El Camino, it's old and gross.
:'''Drake''': So is Aunt Catherine.
:'''Josh''': Drake, if we--
:'''Drake''': Look, it runs, and the wedding cake will fit in the back. And the most important thing is it'll get us there on time. ''[starts calling Trevor on the phone]'' 

===Mindy Loves Josh===
:'''Josh''': What do you want?
:'''Megan''': There's a couple of guys outside stealing  your bike.
:'''Josh''': Oh I just moved the chain, HANDS OFF MY RIDE! ''[runs outside]'' Hey!
:'''Mindy''': Maybe, I should have call the police.
:'''Megan''': Nah, no ones stealing his bike.
:'''Mindy''': What did you tell him that for? You got him all upset for nothing.
:'''Megan''': Yeah. 

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
Megan: What are you eating? 
Drake: Big cookie. 

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
Josh: Mindy, I am in the process of becoming a woman, so I worried… 
Drake: JOSH!!! OH, MY GOD, JOSH!!!! 
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Megan comes inside Drake and Josh's room and tells Drake her truth after making his hands green (when she saw Drake eating her cookie)]''
:'''Drake''': Oh, it's you. Close the door!
:'''Megan''': ''[closes the door and walks up to Drake]'' What's going on?
:'''Drake''': Swear not to tell mom and dad?
:'''Megan''': Swear.
:'''Drake''': Well, I've have this rare skin disease called dermatameculitis.
:'''Megan''': ''[gasps]'' Oh my god! Are you okay?
:'''Drake''': I will be. See, I read online that you can cure it by soaking in zipholic acid which is in lizard pee.
:'''Megan''': Or you know there is another cure.
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Megan''': Next time, don't eat my big cookie.
:'''Drake''': What are you saying?
:'''Megan''': I tricked you into thinking you have a rare skin disease by dying your hands and feet green while you slept and that you were stupid enough to actually fall for it and stick your hands and feet in buckets in lizard pee. That what I'm saying.
:'''Drake''': Megan!
:'''Megan''': You have a little somethin' on your upper lip.
:''[Drake touches his upper lip with his green hand and suffers from it as Megan leaves his and Josh's room]''
:'''Drake''': Wait!
:'''Megan''': What?
:'''Drake''': Is it gone?
:''[Megan leaves the room]''

===Who's Got Game?===
:'''Carly''': ''[walks up to Drake]'' Help you find something?
:'''Drake''': Oh no, I got- ''[turns to see her]'' No, I got it.
:'''Carly''': Sparks, nice. Yes, I saw them live last week at &quot;The Phyton&quot;.
:'''Drake''': No way, I was there.
:'''Carly''': Oh, yeah, you were that guy in the crowd listening.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, that was me!
:'''Carly''': I was kidding.
:'''Drake''': Me, too.
:'''Carly''': Come on, I'll ring you up.
:'''Drake''': Okay.
:''[they both walk up to the cashier's desk]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Josh''': ''[walks up to Drake]'' Well, while you keep kissing your new girlfriend, I'm going to go back home and move my special pillow onto your bed.
:'''Drake''': What? ''[turns around to Josh]''
:'''Josh''': Well, I've had 22 dates this you week and you've only had one.
:'''Drake''': Okay, yeah. I guess you get my bed. Alright, you win.
:'''Josh''': I win? I GOT MORE GIRLS THAN DRAKE!! ''[laughs]'' JOSH NICHOLS IS NO LONGER A LITTLE CATERPILLAR, AH, HE IS A BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY!! ''[flaps wings for a while then stops out of embarrassment]'' See you guys at home. ''[walks away]''

===The Great Doheny===
:'''Josh''': Uh, Megan. This is Henry Doheny. I'm gonna go make him a sandwich with some crinko cup fries and you keep him company. ''[runs off to make Doheny his sandwich]''
:'''Megan''': Henry Doheny. Didn't you use to be like a really famous magician?
:'''Henry Doheny''': Hmmm. ''[pretends to think]''  Why don't you, reach into, ''[points to trash can and Megan looks at it]'' that decorative trash can and tell me.
:'''Megan''': ''[looks at him, searches through the trash-can, picks out old papers than a bunny, and gasps]'' A bunny!
:'''Henry Doheny''': Her name is Cookie, if you hold her close, she'll lick your nose.
:'''Megan''': ''[puts Cookie to her face and Cookie begins to lick her as she laughs]'' Oh my god, this is the cutest bunny I've ever seen! Can I keep her?
:'''Henry Doheny''': I insist!
:'''Megan''': Thanks! ''[goes to her room, admiring Cookie]''
:'''Henry Doheny''': ''[To Drake]'' Pick a card!
:'''Drake''': ''[picks a card]'' Now what?
:'''Henry Doheny''': Now, put it back. ''[Drake gives the card back and he takes the deck into his jacket]''
:'''Drake''': ''[looks at Doheny with a weird gaze]'' What's my card?
:'''Henry Doheny''': Cough. ''[Drake coughs out a card]'' Open it. ''[Drake does so and Doheny isn't even looking]'' Is that your card?
:'''Drake''': Yeah. Please do me a favor and don't make things come outta my body.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Walter''': ''[looking himself in the mirror after Doheny made him bald]'' Ahh! Check me out! I'm bald. ''[leaving the room]'' Honey, Mr. Doheny made me bald!

===I Love Sushi===
:'''Josh''': ''[presses record button on video camera remote for filming contest entry video]'' Dear pump my room, this is our living room.
:'''Drake''': A room, in which we live. 
:'''Josh''': Um, we really wish we'd win this makeover.
:'''Drake''': But not for us.
:'''Josh''': For our parents.
:'''Drake''': We call them, &quot;Mom and Dad&quot;.
:'''Josh''': You see, my dad married his mom almost five years ago.
:'''Drake''': I am still in shock.
:'''Josh''': And soon, it'll be their fifth anniversary.
:'''Drake''': ''[sheepishly]'' Still in shock.
:'''Josh''': Now, we can't afford to buy them anything fancy.
:'''Drake''': So we pray that you wonderful people at Pump my Room choose us.
:'''Josh''': Eh, our parents.
:'''Drake''': For the special gift, of a room makeover. ''[desperately]'' Please.
:'''Josh''': ''[desperately]'' Please. ''[Drake and Josh both embrace each other, drake grabs for the remote to end the video recording]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Josh''': Okay, mom and dad. Here it comes.
:'''Drake''': Who's ready to go inside?
:'''Audrey''': What is up with you guys?
:'''Walter''': Yeah, you kept us out all day driving all over the city.
:'''Drake''': Get ready. ''[he opens the door as he, Josh, Walter, and Audrey come inside the house]''
:'''Drake and Josh''': HAPPY ANNIVERS- ''[they turn on the lights to reveal that the furniture in the living room has been stolen]'' -''[lamely]'' sery.
:'''Walter''': Drake?
:'''Audrey''': Josh!
:'''Walter''': Where's our stuff?
:'''Josh''': We've been robbed!
:'''Drake''': ''[curious]'' Surprise!
:''[Walter and Audrey both get shocked after all of the furniture from the living room disappeared]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Drake Parker. Josh Nichols. ''[Drake and Josh come in Mr. Nadel's office]'' What do you want?
:'''Josh''': We understand that you give people temporary jobs?
:'''Mr. Nadel''': So?
:'''Josh''': And we'd like one.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': And I'd like to meet with another woman who doesn't change her phone number after the first date.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, well good luck with that.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Ok, what are your skills?
:'''Drake''': I play guitar and date girls.
:'''Josh''': Well, I'm an honor student. I'm pretty good with magic tricks, I can cook. Oh, in the 5th grade I was vote most polite child-
:'''Mr. Nadel''': ''[yells]'' NO! THAT'S ENOUGH! ''[in a normal voice]'' Well, let's see, I've got men's room attendant, ditch digger, or you could clean up after elephants at the zoo?
:'''Drake''': Wow, they all sound so wonderful.
:'''Josh''': Do you gave any jobs that are, you know... not repulsive?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, and we want one that pays a lot.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Sure, and I wanna meet a woman who doesn't change her phone number after the first date.
:'''Josh''': You already said that.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': ''[yelling]'' WELL IT HAPPENS EVERY TIME! I MEAN WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!
:'''Drake''': We just want jobs.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Alright look, I got two jobs working the line at a fish factory. Not glamorous enough for you?
:'''Josh''': Well, what would we have to do?
:'''Mr. Nadel''': You'd be assembling packages of sushi for distribution to local supermarkets. Pays 18 bucks an hour. Each.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, we'll take it.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Good. Happy. Happy. Here's the address. Be there Saturday morning 8:00.
:'''Drake:''' 8:00?
:'''Josh''': We'll be there.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Yeah, yeah.
:''[Drake and Josh leave Mr. Nadel's office; Nadel types in numbers on his phone from a piece of paper]''
:'''Phone''': The number you have reached has been disconnected
:'''Mr. Nadel''': ''[bangs on desk]'' EVERY TIME! Stupid lotion! ''[knocks a bottle of lotion on the floor]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': Look man, we tried our best I can't think of anything else...
:''[Drake and Josh realize they're sitting on the couch and feel it to make sure they're not dreaming Josh looks around and sees everything back in the living room]''
:'''Josh''': The Furniture's back!
:'''Drake''': We did it!
:'''Josh''': We didn't do anything!
:'''Audrey''': Howdy, boys.
:'''Walter''': Surprised?
:'''Josh''': Yeah! How'd you get our furniture back?
:'''Audrey''': The police found the robbers moving van.
:'''Walter''': It was broken down about a half a mile up the street.
:'''Drake''': And they found everything?
:'''Walter''': Yep.
:'''Audrey''': It's all here. ''[smells rotten stench on Drake and Josh]'' Do I smell rotting sushi?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, it's a long story.
:'''Josh''': Uh see we...
:'''Walter''': ''[cuts Josh off at mid sentence]'' We don't want to know.

===The Storm===
:''[Drake hits Eric in the chest and notices Lucy]''
:'''Eric''': Ow.
:'''Drake''': That's Lucy, my ex-girlfriend. Josh invited my ex-girlfriend?
:'''Eric''': Well, yeah. When we were going over the gas list, Josh said you and Lucy were still friends.
:'''Drake''': Well, we are, but I invited Carly. I can't have my current girlfriend and my ex-girlfriend at the same party. You want the universe to explode? Man, what am I gonna--? ''[hits Eric in the chest again and notices Christine]'' 
:'''Eric''': Ow!
:'''Drake''': Christine? How many of my ex-girlfriends are here?
:'''Eric''': Just those two. I hope. Or else I'm gonna need chest replacement surgery!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': ''[after being on the phone with Josh]'' That was Josh.
:'''Julio''': They cancelled the concert?
:'''Drake''': The whole stage is underwater.
:'''Gary''': My uncle's got a boat!
:'''Drake''': That's great, Gary. Why don't ya climb into your uncle's boat and SAIL OFF TO MORON ISLAND?!!! 

&lt;hr width=“50%”&gt; 
Crazy Steve: C’MON, DORA!!!

===My Dinner with Bobo===
:''[Drake and Josh and Megan get a car]''
:'''Megan''': ''[looking at a car with tattooed flowers]'' Oh my god! I love this car! Let's buy this one!
:'''Drake''': Shall we harmonize?
:'''Josh''': Let's.
:'''Drake and Josh''': ''[singing]'' No!
:'''Megan''': Dad said I can help pick out the car.
:'''Drake''': Uh yes. And thank you for helping us decide we're not getting this one.
:'''Megan''': Don't push me.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': ''[appears and gets out of his cart]'' Well now, let me guess! You folks are looking for a car.
:'''Josh''': Hey, you're Stan the Car Man.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': The very same.
:'''Josh''': I know, I love your commercials. You need a car, you need a truck, you need a van! Come see Stan the Car Man!
:'''Drake''': Who sells trucks and vans.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': I don't like it when people imitate me.
:'''Josh''': I'm sorry.
:'''Drake''': I'm also sorry. ''[points at a monkey]'' Hey, Bobo! Aw, I love this guy! ''[picks up Bobo]''
:'''Stan the Car Man''': He seems to have taken a liking to you too!
:'''Drake''': Aw, he's awesome.
:'''Megan''': Yeah, maybe he can tutor you in math.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': How much were you boys hoping to spend in this vehicle?
:'''Drake''': About $2400.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': $2400. About what car did you had in mind?
:'''Josh''': Something safe.
:'''Drake''': Something fast.
:'''Josh''': Gets good mileage.
:'''Drake''': It's gotta have satellite radio.
:'''Josh''': Heated seats would be nice.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': Huh?
:'''Josh''': I get cold down there.
:'''Megan''': Look! No one is interested in your butt temperature problems.
:'''Josh''': Dr. Fish bum is.
:'''Drake''': Look, can you just show us something we can afford?
:'''Stan the Car Man''': Well, I surely can. Right over there!
:'''Josh''': Alright.
:'''Drake''': Come on. ''[he and Josh walk away]''
:'''Stan the Car Man''': Butt temperature problems?
:'''Megan''': He's a mess. ''[she and Stan the Car Man walk away too]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake and Josh come inside Dr. Favershim's apartment to rescue Bobo]''
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Come in.
:'''Drake''': We are in.
:'''Josh''': Yeah. And we want Bobo back.
:'''Dr. Favershim''': I'm sorry, we had a deal. $10,000 for your delicious friends.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, well deal's off.
:'''Josh''': So just take your check back and give us Bobo.
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Are you sure?
:'''Josh''': Absolutely.
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Very well, Bobo is in the back of the closet right over there. You may fetch him.
:'''Josh''': Back of the closet?
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Good.
:'''Josh''': Come on dude, let's go get him.
:'''Drake''': Whoa? Is he in here?
:'''Josh''': Perhaps.
:'''Drake''': In the coat, where is he?
:''[when Dr. Favershim locked Drake and Josh in the closet so he could eat Bobo, Drake and Josh yell inside the closet in order to get out after Dr. Favershim pranked them]''
:'''Dr. Favershim''': I'm sorry boys, but I can't let you interfere with my dinner plans. ''[takes off the curtain off of Bobo's cage]'' Hello, little friend. I hope you have good taste.
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' You open the door or we're gonna call the cops!
:'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' Yeah, we have a cellphone in here!
:'''Dr. Favershim''': You have no cellphone.
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Do too!
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Prove it.
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' How?
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Play me a ringtone.
:''[Josh plays a ringtone on his phone from the closet]''
:'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' See? I told ya we got a cellphone!
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Does it have Bluetooth?
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' What?!?!
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Your cellphone, does it have Bluetooth?
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Ya, dude it has Bluetooth.
:'''Dr. Favershim''': I don't believe you. Show me.
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Fine! Open the door! ''[Dr. Favershim opens door]'' See, Bluetooth! Ha, ha! ''[Dr. Favershim pushes Josh back in the closet, takes his phone, and locks the door again]'' What?! Oh, man!
:'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' Oh, nice goin', Bluetooth!
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Don't start with me! ''[Josh slaps Drake off-screen]''
:'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' Ow!
:''[Dr. Favershim cuts slices of a carrot and takes a bite and walks up to Bobo to eat a piece, too]'' 

===Tree House===
:''[Drake and Josh are trapped inside Robbie's treehouse when they're trying to rebuild it]''
:'''Josh''': Drake…? 
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Josh''': Where's the door hole?
:'''Drake''': It goes right there, see? I drew it with a magic marker.
:'''Josh''': You were supposed to cut it out with the power saw!
:'''Drake''': Dude, I'm gonna!
:'''Josh''': Oh, really?
:'''Drake''': Yes!
:'''Josh''': So go get the power saw.
:'''Drake''': Okay, I will! ''[tries to walk through the wall where the painted door is]'' I see the problem…. 
:'''Josh''': Oh, do ya?!

&lt;hr width=50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Megan refuses to let Drake and Josh out of the Robbie's tree house because she is angry that they made her miss her friend Janie's birthday party]''
:'''Megan''': ''[walks to Drake with a snow cone]'' Hey boob.
:'''Drake''': Where you've been?
:'''Megan''': I told you I was about to get a snow cone.
:'''Drake''': Okay, well now that you have one, can you please hand up the power saw so we can get out of here?
:'''Megan''': Let me think, no!
:'''Drake''': Listen to me! You make us miss our dates with those two hot identical twins. I swear- ''[Josh grabs him]''
:'''Josh''': Hey!
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Josh''': We don't need that power saw!
:'''Drake''': Then how are we gonna get out of here?
:'''Josh''': ''[grabs the power screwdriver]'' Power screwdriver! We just need to unscrew one of these walls and boom we are out!
:'''Drake''': Do it brother!
:'''Josh''': Okay. ''[he power screws the door but realized it's dead]'' Set this baby to reverse.
:'''Drake''': Why'd it stop?
:'''Josh''': I don't know. The screwdriver- ''[looks outside the window thinking that Megan unplugged it]'' MEGAN!
:'''Megan''': ''[satisfied; after she unplugged the power screwdriver]'' Yes, can I help you? 

===Josh is Done===
:'''Drake''': C'mon, let's play ping-pong!
:'''Josh''': Alright. I'll play if it'll stop you from yapping.
:'''Drake''': And the battle begins! ''[rings bell]'' Ohh, my worthy opponent. Are you prepared to ping the pong?
:'''Josh''': Wahahaha. I am prepared, young sedgewan. Your pong is no match for my ping!
:'''Drake''': Ahh, do your worst! ''[he and Josh play ping-pong until Josh's paddle flies out of his hand and out the window, to Josh’s horror]'' You have smashed the window of transparency!
:'''Josh''': ''[runs to the broken window]'' Aw, man! Mom and dad are gonna kill me!
:'''Drake''': Oh, probably. Come on, let's finish the game.
:'''Josh''': I don't have a paddle!
:'''Drake''': Oh, there's an extra one downstairs, be back in a sec.
:'''Josh''': We can't be late for this-
:'''Drake''': I'll be back in a few seconds, you can study while I'm gone. ''[gives Josh the book and leaves the room]''
:'''Josh''': I don't think it leaves us enough- ''[opens the book a reads a page]'' What is the atomic weight of beryllium? 9.01. ''[yells]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Josh''': ''[All sweaty from running all the way to class after Drake left him behind, bumps into the door]'' PLEASE! PLEASE, LEMME IN!! I AM SORRY I'M LATE! ''[Drake looks at him from his desk]''
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Opens the door]'' Mr. Nichols, you know the rule. 
:'''Josh''': B-But you don't understand. You see, I was just about to- 
:'''Mr. Roland''': I understand that you are late, and when you're late to my class, you're not welcomed in my class. 
:'''Josh''': Uh, b-but w-what about the exam? 
:'''Mr. Roland''': You will take a make-up exam next Saturday morning at 6AM, and you will be marked down 1 letter grade! 
:'''Josh''': ''[Very upset and despairing]'' Oh, no. No-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh!!! ''[Points at Drake angrily]'' YOU!
:'''Drake''': ''[Defensively]'' What? 
:'''Josh''': ''[Yells and runs in the classroom to attack Drake, only to be held back by the other students, while Drake stares]'' COME HERE! COME HERE, YOU WANNA TUSSLE!? LET'S GO!! LET ME CLOSER!!! 
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[enraged]'' Mr. Nichols! Mr. Nichols, you will leave this classroom NOW! 
:'''Josh''': But- 
:'''Mr. Roland''': NOW! 
:'''Josh''': I- 
:'''Mr. Roland''': NOW! 
:'''Josh''': ''[defeated]'' Now...? ''[Leaves the classroom as Mr. Roland locks the classroom door, as Josh continues trying to plead his case]'' Now, if you would just allow me to explain, OH!!! ''[Mr. Roland yanks down the door window shade]''
:'''Mr. Roland''': As I was saying, you will have 55 minutes to complete your exams. ''[Mr. Roland walks over to the classroom windows to close the blinds as Josh from outside still tries to plead his case.]'' You will use a #2 pencil.
:'''Josh''': ''[Sobbing]'' Your so hard! 
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Closes first blind]'' Not #1, not #3.
:'''Josh''': ''[Still sobbing]'' So unbelievably hard!
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Closes second blind]'' If you have any questions during the exams, don’t ask them!
:'''Josh''': ''[Still sobbing]'' I really do, I give everything a hundred…
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Closes last blind]'' I want silence in this classroom! Silence, is golden.
:'''Josh''': ''[Freaks out]'' Nooo! Nah! Nah! Nah! Nah!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Drake''': ''[Gets home after the exam (which he failed most likely) and takes Robbie's sit-n-bounce just to get Josh over his rage, still not caring about making him late earlier despite wanting to have fun together]'' Hey, Josh. What goes on? 
:'''Josh''': Just readin' my book. 
:'''Drake''': ''[signs]'' Look, I'm sorry about this morning. You know, but Kat called and wanted to make out, and, you know, Kat. 
:'''Josh''': ''[Knowing that Drake's apology is fake]'' Yes, yes. She's very pretty. 
:'''Drake''': Alright, you're still mad. But you won't be for long, 'cause I got you your very own sit-n-bounce! ''[Josh says nothing]'' Sit-n-bounce!  
:'''Josh''': No, thanks. 
:'''Megan''': Doesn't that kid Robbie next door have a sit-n-bounce just like that? 
:'''Drake''': No! No. And, c'mon, have you ever sat and bounced before? You can't be upset when you're sittin' and bouncin'. ''[plays with it. Josh closes his book and gets up, Drake bounces in front of him]'' 
:'''Josh''': Would you please move?
:'''Drake''': ''[stop bouncing]'' Look, dude, I said I was sorry.
:'''Josh''': Oh, I heard you.
:'''Drake''': Well, stop being mad at me.
:'''Josh''': I'm not mad at you. I'm done.
:'''Drake''': What's that supposed to mean?
:'''Josh''': I don't want anything to do with you anymore.
:'''Drake''': So what, are you gonna move out?
:'''Josh''': No, this is a house where I live, and I guess we'll be roommates until the day I leave for college. But that's all we'll be, is roommates. I'm done with you. ''[walks away, leaving Drake concerned]'' 
:'''Megan''': Whoa! 
:'''Drake''': What? 
:'''Megan''': You really did it this time. 
:'''Drake''': Oh, c'mon, ya know how many times Josh has been ''furious'' with me? Uh, he'll pout for a day or 2, and then he'll get over it. 
:'''Megan''': I dunno, he sounded pretty serious. 
:'''Drake''': Trust me. Alright, I know Josh, and there's no way he's gonna keep this up- 
:'''Robbie''': ''[walks in]'' I knew it! I knew you took my sit-n-bounce! ''[kicks Drake in the leg and takes his sit-n-bounce back]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''[Without Josh, Drake begins suffering bad luck, while Josh's life improves with more good luck than ever, even passing his make-up exam and getting his grade back up]'' 
:'''Drake''': ''[arrives at the Primere ]'' Hello, Josh.
:'''Josh''': Hi, Drake.
:'''Craig''': Why are you all sweaty?
:'''Drake''': I'm all sweaty because I ran out of gas and I had to walk all the way here because SOMEBODY forgot to fill up the car!
:'''Josh''': It's not my responsibility to fill the car with gas.
:'''Drake''': You always fill up the car!
:'''Josh''': Used to, now I put in just enough gas for myself.
:'''Drake''': Well, good! You know, good for you! I DON'T NEED YOUR GAS! And just so you know, I'm gonna go see a movie right now and I don't need a free ticket from you cause mom paid me 10 bucks to get out of the house! So I don't need you for ANYTHING!
:'''Leah''': Movie tickets here are $11.
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Eric''': And popcorn and soda are gonna cost you another 6 or 7.
:'''Drake''': D'oh! You know what? I'm not even gonna buy a ticket, I'm just going in. Right, just going right in! ''[yells at ticket checker employee, he stubbornly walks into theater 7]'' 
:'''Josh''': ''[clears throat, grabs the communicator]'' Security, we have a problem in theater 7: male Caucasian, sweaty, wearing a gray sweatshirt. ''[beeps]'' So what's the difference between a hoagie and a submarine sandwich? 
:'''Steve''': I always thought a hoagie was a hot sandwich, and a submarine could be served hot or cold. 
:'''Craig''': No, I think it's the other way around. 
:'''Eric''': Okay, but what's a grinder? 
:'''Leah''': Same thing as a hoagie. 
:'''Drake''': ''[getting dragged by the security guards]'' Hey! Hey! Let go, let go! Josh, Josh! Tell them to let me go! Josh, Josh! Tell them! Tell them! Look this way, I know this guy, I know this guy. Ask him, ask him. 
:'''Security Guard''': Is this guy a friend of yours? 
:''[pause]''
:'''Josh''': ''[satisfied]'' No, he's not. 
:'''Drake''': ''[frustrated]'' Josh!! Oh. You're gonna regret this, Josh! You need me! YOU NEED ME!!! 
:'''Josh''': So, hoagie and grinder same thing, huh? 
:'''Leah, Steve, Eric, &amp; Craig''': ''[All talking at once in agreement]'' Yes./That's right./Uh-huh./Yeah. 
:'''Steve''': All in the sandwich family.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': ''[After being switched with another lab partner named Clayton, messes up his science experiment, causing green water to flow and spill over his hand]'' Whoa-whoa! Hey-hey! What's happening, what's happening!? Oh-okay-okay-okay! Arms tingling, arms tingling! 
:'''Craig''': Chemical emergency! ''[Turns on the alarm]'' 
:'''Mr. Roland''': Let's get him in the power-shower! ''[Grabs Drake and carries him into the chemical shower, as Josh watches in shock]'' 
:'''Drake''': Hey-hey! Watch it, will you-!? What is this!? ''[Roki shuts the door, Mr. Roland turns on the water]'' What are you, what are you-!? AAA-OOHHHH!!!! ''[Starts yelling as the water stingingly washes off the chemicals]''  
:'''Mr. Roland''': Drake, are you alright? 
:'''Drake''': Hey! What is this water!? Ow! ''[Continues yelling as everybody, including Josh, watches]'' 
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Drake has just been in the chemical shower, turns off the water]'' Drake, you may come out now. ''[Drake comes out, all soaked and groaning]'' Sit down, Drake. ''[Drake ignores him, walks towards the door]'' Drake, sit down!
:'''Drake''': No!
:'''Mr. Roland''': Drake!
:'''Drake''': Josh!
:'''Josh''': What?
:'''Drake''': Look, I'm sorry.
:'''Josh''': Well--
:'''Drake''': Look, let me finish, okay? I was wrong, okay? I was wrong.
:'''Josh''': What d'you mean?
:'''Drake''': I-I need you more than you need me. Uh, I-I need you ''way more'' than you need me, a-alright? I'm sorry. M-Man, I'm sorry I made you late for your exam, and I'm sorry I ran over your bike, and I, uh-- I-I'm sorry, I'm probably the worst brother in the world! And y-you know, you're way better off without me, you know? I just-- I just need you to understand that-- uh, I just-- Sorry, Josh, I'm sorry. ''[tearfully walks out of the classroom, leaving Josh stunned]''
:'''Mr. Roland''': Josh, would you like to go talk to Drake?
:'''Josh''': ''[realizes he has gone a little too far for cutting Drake out of his life, seeing how he learned his lesson the hard way]'' No. No, sir.
:'''Mr. Roland''': Alright. Class, let's get back to our experiments. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[As Drake miserably tries to play ping-pong alone, Josh runs in with a kung fu yell, ready to forgive his brother]''
:'''Josh''': Hoaw! We have unfinished business, young sedgewan. 
:'''Drake''': Josh…. 
:'''Josh''': Wa-cho! You will address me only as Master Mon-googoo. ''[Drake cheers up as Josh picks up his paddle]'' 
:'''Drake''': Your words, they are strong. Uh, but your skills are weak!
:'''Josh''': Your foolishness, young sedgewan, has sealed your fate! 
:'''Drake''': Aw, destiny is mine! ''[They play ping-pong ball together and reconcile again happily as the episode ends]''

===Eric Punches Drake===
:'''Mr. Roland''': Josh, Mindy. The new chemistry books just arrived. They're in my classroom. 
:'''Mindy''': No way! 
:'''Josh''': Oh, come on! 
:'''Craig''': Hey, remember in Dragon to Death when Billy Chang fights Joaquin the Dream?
:'''Eric''': Remember? One does not forget the wo-cho fist of silence. ''[Tries to demonstrate, only to accidentally punch Drake in the eye and knock him out in the process]'' Oh, my god! 
:'''Craig''': Drake, are you alright!? 

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
:'''Josh''': Hey, Craig. 
:'''Craig''': Evenin'. 
:'''Josh''': Where's Eric? 
:'''Craig''': Oh, he didn't wanna come. He was afraid Drake might be mad at him 'cause he punched him in the eye. 
:'''Josh''': He's not mad. Drake, you're not mad, are you? 
:'''Drake''': Nah, I'm not mad. Craig didn't mean to hit me. 
:'''Craig''': I'M Craig! 
:'''Drake''': ''[scoffs]'' It matters. 

&lt;hr width =50%&gt; 
:''[door bell rings]'' 
:'''Josh''': Yo, Drake, get that! 
:'''Drake''': Got it. ''[opens the door and finds Mindy there]'' Oh, is it Halloween already? Aren't you a scary, little witch? 
:'''Mindy''': Oh, look at your black eye. Well, I hope it hurts.
:'''Drake''': You shebeast!
:'''Mindy''': Microbrain!
:'''Drake''': Weirdface!
:'''Mindy''': Ignoramus!
:'''Drake''': ''[beat]'' What?
:'''Mindy''': Exactly! 
:'''Chad''': Hey. 
:'''Mindy''': Oh, hey. 
:'''Chad''': Sorry, I had to park the car at the bottom of the hill. 
:'''Mindy''': Oh, no problem. Step aside. ''[both walk inside. Drake suspects Chad to be Mindy's new boyfriend and goes into the kitchen, while Josh and Craig set up the projector]'' 
:'''Drake''': JOSH! 
:'''Josh''': ''[jumps, accidentally flips the projector]'' Aw, now I gotta reset the white balance! 
:'''Drake''': No, I need to talk to you! ''[to Craig]'' Get out. ''[Craig walks out]'' 
:'''Josh''': What? 
:'''Drake''': Mindy's here.  
:'''Josh''': I know, I invited her. 
:'''Drake''': Did you invite ''him?'' ''[turns Josh's head around towards Chad]''  
:'''Josh''': Who's him? 
:'''Drake''': Her date. 
:'''Josh''': ''[shudders]'' I don't care. 
:'''Drake''': Yes, you do!

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
:'''Drake''': Hey, Clayton. 
:'''Clayton''': ''[mumbling]'' Hi. 
:''[Drake slips his mouth-wash, then takes Clayton's water bottle, spits in it, and gives it back to him (possibly as revenge for Drake's chemical incident in the previous episode), to Clayton's disgust. 3 students walk behind Drake, laughing at him]''
:'''Drake''': Hello? 
:'''Boy''': ''[sees Drake's black eye]'' It's true! 
:'''Drake''': Oh, the black eye? Yeah, a little accident. 
:'''Boy''': That's not what we heard. 
:'''Drake''': And what did you hear? 
:'''Boy''': That you're making fun of Eric's sister. 
:'''Girl''': Hey, Drake. I heard you got punched by a nerd. 
:'''Drake''': IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!!! 

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
:'''Crazy Steve''': Excuse me, Josh. 
:'''Josh''': What!? 
:'''Crazy Steve''': I notice you're stacking that candy in an angry way. 
:'''Josh''': I AM angry! Alright, Mindy's over there with her new boyfriend, rubbing him right in my face. 
:'''Crazy Steve''': I just give this a little squeeze... DON'T DRINK WHILE I'M TALKING!!!! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Craig''': ''[pops up from the trash can]'' Hello.
:'''Drake''': ''[screams]'' Craig?
:'''Craig''': Are you alone?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, I'm alone.
:'''Craig''': Good. ''[holds out a bag of pork rinds]'' Pork rind?
:'''Drake''': Sure. ''[takes a pork rind from the bag and starts eating it]'' So you're the one that sent the blimp?
:'''Craig''': That's right.
:'''Drake''': ''[concerned]'' Why would you wanna take down Eric? He's your best friend.
:'''Craig''': WAS my best friend. Now that Eric's Mr. Popular pants and has a hot girlfriend, he doesn't give a rat's hat about me!
:'''Drake''': Rat's hat?
:'''Craig''': ''[furious]'' He's forgotten that I am the one who's been his best friend since we were 7 years old! THAT I'M THE ONE WHO DRIED HIS TEARS WHEN HIS IGUANA GOT DIABETES! THAT I--  
:'''Drake''': ''[He interrupts Craig]'' OKAY, OKAY, I get it, get it, get it. Just tell me how to stop him.
:'''Craig''': Ok, but first you have to promise me something.
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Craig''': I love to sing.
:'''Drake''': ''[confused, steps aside]'' And?
:'''Craig''': And you are like a professional singer.
:'''Drake''': ''[still confused]'' You wanna sing a song with me?
:'''Craig''': I've wanted this for a long time!
:'''Drake''': Ok, ok, if you help me prove Eric's a liar, you can sing a song with me.
:'''Craig''': Excellent. Now, listen carefully. Eric, is a pacifist.
:'''Drake''': I thought he was Jewish.
:'''Craig''': A pacifist is someone who refuses to fight.
:'''Drake''': Okay...
:'''Craig''': So, if you insult Eric in front of a bunch of people, he won't fight back, and then everyone will know he was lying about standing up to you!
:'''Drake''': Uh-huh!
:'''Craig''': And then he won't be popular anymore which means he'll come crawling back to me! And don't forget our song.
:'''Drake''': I won't forget the song.
:'''Craig''': Good, I'll start practicing.
:''[Drake walks away while Craig starts singing in the dumpster behind the school's cafeteria]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': ''[he stops the argument about stacks of cards]'' Okay, you know what?! You know what?! Enough with the cards, alright?! I got big problems!
:'''Josh''': What, that Eric thing?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, he's lying to everybody and ruining my life just to make himself popular. But you know what? 
:'''Josh''': What?
:'''Drake''': I'm gonna go find Eric and punch him right in his little nerdy head!
:'''Josh''': You don't want to do that! ''[grabs him]''
:'''Drake''': Then give me a one good reason.
:'''Josh''': 'Cause it's not gonna help you! Alright? It's just gonna make you look worse or you're gonna handle these things maturely.
:'''Drake''': Kinda like you do with Mindy?!
:'''Josh''': DIFFERENT!!! ''[crosses his arms]''
:'''Drake''': It's not different?
:'''Josh''': Mindy rubbing a new boyfriend in my face is an outrage, OUTRAGE!!!
:'''Drake''': And Eric wrecking my life isn't?!
:'''Josh''': I'm not saying it's not bro, but look you gotta help me with-- ''[the doorbell interrupts them as Drake opens the door and Clayton talks to Drake and Josh about what Drake did to his water]''
:'''Clayton''': ''[worried, mumbling]'' Why?
:''[Josh points to Drake and tells him to close the door. Drake awkwardly locks the door as he and Josh cool off]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chad''': Do you guys have free refills on the ginger ale?
:'''Josh''': Oh, you want some ginger ale do you? Yeah, Chad can't get enough of his precious ginger ale!! Oh, No! Well, I'll tell you what, Chad!!! Why not call up the ginger ale headquarters and have them back up a tanker truck to your mouth!? So Chad can drink ginger ale til' there's no more ginger ale for the REST OF THE EARTH'S POPULATION!!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[after Josh becomes obnoxious that Mindy has a new boyfriend, she comes over to check on him]''
:'''Josh''': What do you except? I mean, I know we're broken up, but that doesn’t give you the right to rub your new boyfriend in my face.
:'''Mindy''': He's not my boyfriend.
:'''Josh''': Look, I don't care what you call him-
:'''Mindy''': He's my cousin.
:'''Josh''': Your cousin?
:'''Mindy''': Yeah. I'm not dating anyone. He just moved here from St. Louis, so I've been showing him around.
:'''Josh''': Why didn't you tell me that?
:'''Mindy''': I tried, you never gave me a chance.
:'''Josh''': So tonight, you were just messing with my head? 
:'''Mindy''': I think you deserved it after the way you screamed at me. 
:'''Josh''': I still think that was a really obnoxious thing for you to do! 
:'''Mindy''': I think you acted ''way'' more obnoxious. 
:'''Josh''': Well, I'm just glad we're broken up! 
:'''Mindy''': Not as glad as I am! 
:'''Josh''': Oh, really?! 
:'''Mindy''': REALLY! ''[they make out]''
:'''Josh''': We're still broken up, right?
:'''Mindy''': Definitely.
:''[they continue to make out]''

===Megan's Revenge===
:''[Drake and Josh are in Megan's room]''
:'''Drake''': Now, put Megan's camera back where you found this. Being in her room creeps me out.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, me, too. ''[looks at Megan's hamster]'' Awww. Look at Megan's hamster. He's washing his little face.
:'''Drake''': Look, let's just get out of here.
:'''Josh''': Just wait. This is too cute. I gotta get a picture of him.
:'''Drake''': Well, hurry.
:'''Josh''': Okay! Smile, Hervay. 
:''[Hervay falls down from the camera shot Josh took]''
:'''Drake''': Awww. He's playing dead.
:'''Josh''': I think he really is dead!
:'''Drake''': Oh! That hamster cannot be dead. If that hamster is dead, we're dead because Megan’s gonna kill us!
:'''Josh''': W-W-What can I do about it?
:'''Drake''': I don't know your watch o.r.! Fix him.
:'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' Okay, okay. Um, alright, I need a CBC, uh, a chem seven chest phone.
:'''Drake''': Just give him CPU!
:'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' Alright! ''[takes out Hervay from his cage]'' See what everybody say with me!
:'''Drake''': Okay.
:'''Josh''': ''[blows on Hervay's mouth]'' 1 1,000 , 2 1,000 , 3 1,000 , BREATHE! ''[blows on Hervay's mouth again and tries to pick him up but fails]'' That's it. 10:22, I'm calling it!
:'''Drake''': NO! ''[runs up to Hervay and blows his mouth]'' 
:'''Josh''': ''[gaves Drake backwards]'' HE'S GONE!
:'''Drake''': Josh, Megan is going to kill us!
:'''Josh''': Maybe she won't. Maybe she'll understand.
:'''Drake''': Think about it. Megan does horrible horrible things to us every day for no reason. Now, SHE HAS A REASON!
:'''Josh''': WE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!
:''[Drake quickly puts the camera in her drawer and Josh puts Hervay back in his room as they leave Megan's room fast]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
Drake: Ow! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Megan uses a remote to create a hole on the floor to make Drake and Josh fall to the garage from their bedroom]''
:'''Megan''': Okay, that was good revenge, too. And by the way, you didn't kill Hervay. The camera flash just stunned. He's fine, see? ''[shows Drake and Josh her pet hamster Hervay who is still alive]''
:'''Drake and Josh''': MEGAN!

===Steered Straight===
:'''Josh''': Man, we can't get into the Reptile Room ''[nightclub]''. You have to be over 21.
:'''Drake''': You are, Mr... ''[pulls out fake ID]'' Yakitori!
:'''Josh''': ''[takes fake ID and looks at it]'' What's this?
:'''Drake''': Fake ID, here, check mine out. ''[takes out his own fake ID and gives it to Josh]''
:'''Josh''': ''[reads the name on Drake's fake ID]'' Jefferson Steelflex?
:'''Drake''': ''[laughs]'' Yeah, made it up.
:'''Josh''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, REALLY! So you're suggesting that we use fake IDs to get into a nightclub posing as... ''[reads the names on the IDs again]'' Jefferson Steelflex and Alvin Yakitori?
:'''Drake''': Yep. And, hey, we gotta be there before 10:30 because I'm pretty sure...
:'''Josh''': It's illegal to use fake IDs!
:'''Drake''': Yeah, well, it's illegal to rob banks, but people do it!
:'''Josh''': Yes, people who are BANK ROBBERS!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[after Blaze has gone]''
:'''Josh''': Are you CRAZY?! What if Mom, Dad or Megan are downstairs?
:'''Drake''': Look, both of the cars are gone, alright? So nobody's home.
:'''Josh''': Good. Oh, quick. Quick, let's call the cops before he comes back.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, right, right, right, right.
:'''Josh''': Okay.
:'''Drake''': Uh...
:'''Josh''': Uh, alright. ''[pushes the phone with his head and he and Drake struggle to call the police]'' Alright, work together. Teamwork.
:'''Drake''': Okay.
:'''Josh''': Teamwork.
:'''Drake''': Alright.
:'''Josh''': To the left.
:'''Drake''': Ow!
:'''Josh''': To the--
:'''Drake''': Grab it.
:'''Josh''': Alright. ''[the phone slides away from him and Drake]'' Teamworking.
:'''Drake''': Grab it. Alright, press the 9, man.
:'''Josh''': Oh, this isn't gonna work.
:'''Drake''': Alright. Fine, fine, here. ''[puts it behind him]'' I'll hold it behind my back, you dial it with your nose.
:'''Josh''': I'm not sticking my nose down there.
:'''Drake''': Would you rather take your chances with a vicious criminal?
:'''Josh''': I think so.
:'''Drake''': Oh, just dial the number.
:'''Josh''': Alright. ''[presses the 9 button with his nose]'' 9. ''[then the 1 button]'' 1. 
:''[sneezes on the phone and Drake lets go of it]''
:'''Drake''': Aw, man. You sneezed on my palm.
:'''Josh''': It is allergy season. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
It’s some goofy-looking dude in a really bad shirt. 
Drake and Josh: Dad.

===Megan's First Kiss=== 
:'''Josh''': Thanks for the tip, dad! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:'''Megan''': Um, what are you doing this Saturday night?
:'''Drake''': Going to a concert at the Mega Dome.
:'''Josh''': Why?
:'''Drake''': 'Cause we bought tickets.
:'''Josh''': ''[to Drake]'' Not you! ''[to Megan]'' Why do you wanna know what we're doing Saturday night?
:'''Megan''': I don't care what you're doing.
:'''Drake''': But you just asked us.
:'''Megan''': Or, maybe you, just asked yourselves! Yeah. Think about that... ''[Megan leaves the room smiling]''
:'''Drake''': Okay I wanna know what her deal is!
:'''Josh''': Yeah, yeah, yeah she's up to something!
:'''Drake''': Yeah, first she hangs up the phone, pretends to not be talking to anybody.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, and she measures our necks and asks of our social plans.
:'''Drake''': Wait, she said we asked ourselves about that.
:'''Josh''': Really, you're not a smart boy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake and Josh walk into the Premiere disguised as Jews]''
:'''Drake''': Okay, all I'm saying is, the next time we need disguises, I'm getting them!
:'''Josh''': I told you, the costume shop was closed, the temple was open! And these are good disguises.
:'''Drake''': I don't even know what accent to talk with. 
:'''Josh''': Doesn't matter, just sound foreign.
:'''Helen''': Can I help you gentlemen find something?
:'''Josh''': ''[Irish accent]'' Top of the mornin to ya, how are ya? Potata!
:'''Helen''': Potato?
:'''Drake''': ''[Irish accent]'' Come along, Pontiac.
:'''Josh''': Yes, let's go observe the mulberry bush!
:'''Drake''': Pip pip da doodly-doo!
:'''Helen''': Pip pip da doodly-doo! I'm gonna start sayin that. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Megan''': I love you guys.

===The Battle of Panthatar===
:''[Opening comments: Drake and Josh ask themselves random questions]''
:'''Drake''': Hello, what's your name?
:'''Josh''': Hi! Who are you?
:'''Drake''': What is your favorite thing to eat?
:'''Josh''': What games do you like to play?
:'''Drake and Josh''': Me, too!
:'''Drake''': Hey, do you like me?
:'''Josh''': Do you wanna be my friend?
:'''Drake''': Aw, thank you!
:'''Josh''': ... What is that supposed to mean?
:'''Drake''': You think I'm handsome? What a special thing to say!
:'''Josh''': What? Who are you calling a dork? Hey hey hey hey! Go fetch your mother! Yeah I'm talking to you!
:'''Drake''': A present? For me?
:'''Josh''': Alright just put your kid right in front of the TV set because I have a few things to say!
:'''Drake''': ''[holding a handed a plate of cookies]'' A plate of cookies? Ohh, yummy!
:'''Josh''': I-I think it's pretty rude to tell a person that he's a --''[boy spits in his eye]''... did you just... you spit in my eye!
:'''Drake''': Mmm... these are my favorite!
:'''Josh''': Ohh, it burns! Aghh! Aghh!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:'''Thornton''': What's up, Nicholas? 

:'''Thronton''': MARIA!!! 
:'''Maria''': Thronton! 
:'''Josh''': Free popcorn??? 

:'''Thronton''': What's the matter with you!? 

:'''Josh''': ''[sobs]'' 
:'''Crazy Steve''': Excuse me! No yelling in the theater area. 
:'''Lady''': Excuse me, where's the ladies' restroom? 
:'''Crazy Steve''': I AM TALKING TO PEOPLE!!! 
:'''Thornton''': UNINVITED!!!! ''[storms away]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:''[Drake enters his and Josh's room]''
:'''Drake''': Hey.
:'''Josh''': Well? Did you go to Thornton's house? Did you apologize?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, I went to Thornton's house, and I apologized.
:'''Josh''': Well, perfect, and?
:'''Drake''': He had his housekeeper kick me out, then he hit me with a broom, and I fell down some brick stairs.
:'''Josh''': ''[groans]'' I really wanted to go to that party. Why do you ruin everything?
:'''Drake''': Don't worry, alright? I'm gonna figure a way to get even with that Thornton.
:'''Josh''': I don't wanna get even. ''[whining]'' I WANNA GO TO THAT BIRTHDAY PARTY!
:'''Drake''': Bro, Thornton hates us.
:'''Josh''': Well, let's make him love us again.
:'''Drake''': I tried.
:'''Josh''': Well, maybe we can... ''[notices Drake's autographed [[The Beatles|Beatles]] ''Abbey Road'' album]'' Hey. Isn't Thornton a huge Beatles fan?
:'''Drake''': Well, yeah, but I don't see what that has to do-- [realizes what Josh means] Oh, no, no. No way. ''[hides it in his arms]'' Don't even think about it.
:'''Josh''': I'm telling you, if we give him that album--
:'''Drake''': Absolutely not.
:'''Josh''': I guarantee you he'll re-invite us.
:'''Drake''': Dude, I love this album more than I love myself.
:'''Josh''': Dude.
:'''Drake''': Okay, but I love this album a lot. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:'''Thornton''': Hey! Drake and Josh are not invited! I want them outta here!

===[[w:Really Big Shrimp|Really Big Shrimp]]===
&lt;small&gt;Note: This episode was an hour long.&lt;/small&gt;
:'''Crazy Steve''': ''[looks at his watch]'' It's time! ''[he steals old man's cane and starts chasing Josh]'' You ate my enchilada!
:'''Josh''': There was no note!
:'''Crazy Steve''': You ate my enchilada!
:'''Josh''': There was no note! 
:'''Crazy Steve''': You ate my enchilada! 
:'''Josh''': I thought we settled this! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Audrey''': ''[hears doorbell; talking about Helen and Lula]'' Walter, they're here.
:'''Walter''': Ooh. ''[walks before the front door]''
:'''Megan''': Dad, are you sure about this?
:'''Walter''': Yes. And we are doing a very nice thing for a sweet old lady. ''[Lula breaks the door in] ''
:'''Lula''': Where's the bathroom?!
:'''Audrey''': Did you just break our door in?!
:'''Lula''': I rang the doorbell, waited 25 seconds, no one answered, what I supposed to do?
:'''Josh''': You could've rang the doorbell, again.
:'''Lula''': ''[to Helen]'' Who's that boy with a big head that looks like a tooth pick with a cantaloupe on top? ''[Megan laughs and Josh give her a furious look]''
:'''Megan''': What, am I going to pretend that wasn't funny?
:'''Helen''': That's Josh, he works with me at the Premeire. ''[introduces everyone else]'' That's Drake, I prefer him. That's Megan, that's Mrs. Parker (Audrey), and this is...''[forgets who Walter is]''
:'''Walter''': Walter!
:'''Lula''': Great, now where's the bathroom?!
:'''Audrey''': Right through that door.
:'''Lula''': Well, thank you for finally giving me that information! ''[walks into bathroom and slams door]''
:'''Audrey''': Is she always so--? 
:'''Helen''': Buh-bye! ''[goes away]''
:'''Megan''': I can't believe that lady is staying in our guest room for a week.
:'''Walter''': No, she's staying in your room.
:'''Megan''': What?!
:'''Audrey''': You'll be staying in the boys' room.
:'''Drake, Josh and Megan''': What?!
:'''Josh''': This is an outrage!
:'''Drake''': What are we gonna stay?
:'''Walter''': ''[to Drake and Josh]'' Your room is huge. The three of you will be fine for a week.
:'''Megan''': Aw, this is horrible.
:'''Walter''': It's not that bad.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Megan''': Fine, I'll tell him. Josh, Molly thinks you're cute.
:'''Megan's Friends''': Eww!
:''[Josh walks out of the room]''
:'''Molly''': Call me!!
:'''Megan's Friends''': Eww!
:''[Josh peeks his head back through the door]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake arrives home]''
:'''Audrey''': Super Bowl's on.
:'''Drake''': I don't care.
:'''Josh''': Come on, the commercial's up in about two minutes. You gotta watch. It's your song.
:'''Drake''': It's not my song. It's horrible bubble-gum pop garbage-y badness. That 50,000,000 people are about to hear. I'll be on the roof.
:'''Josh''': Why?
:'''Drake''': Because you're not there. ''[walks away]''
:'''Josh''': Drake! ''[runs off to Drake]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crazy Steve''': Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in...
:'''Lula''': ''[annoyed]'' I know how to breathe!
:'''Crazy Steve''': ''[screaming]'' '''''JUST DO WHAT I SAY!'''''
:'''Lula''': ''[scared]'' Okay. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mindy''': ''[Yells after Crazy Steve goes insane]'' Help! Crazy Steve's gone berserk! 
:'''Josh &amp; Helen''': Crazy Steve!? 
:'''Mindy''': WHO ELSE!? 
:'''Josh''': But it's Monday, you can't schedule Crazy Steve to work on a Monday! 
:'''Helen''': Monday's his bad day! 
:'''Mindy''': Well, no one TOLD me that!!! 
:'''Crazy Steve''': ''[waving nutted shoes]'' CUCKADOODLEDOO, THE COW SAYS MOO!!! 

I want the shrimp.

===Helicopter=== 
:'''Vince''': That's S.P.L.A.T.. 
:'''Drake''': That's spelled splat. 
:'''Vince''': Oh, man. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:''[Drake and Josh try to wake up Vince]''
:'''Josh''': Hey, hey. He's awake.
:'''Drake''': You're awake!
:'''Vince''': ''[wakes up]'' Oh, what happened? How long I been out?
:'''Drake''': About 10 minutes. 
:'''Vince''': Oh, I remember. You clowns were fighting over this parachute. ''[holds his head]'' Oh, what'd I hit my head on?
:'''Josh''': This fire extinguisher.
:'''Vince''': Oh.
:'''Josh''': See, I'm pretty sure you hit your head right on this lever-- ''[he accidentally sprays Vince with a fire extinguisher and Vince screams outside after he pranked him]''
:'''Drake''': ''[angrily]'' Do you know what you just did?!
:'''Josh''': ''[worried]'' I extinguished our pilot?
:'''Drake''': ''[angrily]'' No, he has a parachute! You've extinguished us!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Vince angrily arrives at Drake and Josh's house after Drake and Josh blasted him out of the helicopter]''
:'''Vince''': You blasted me out of my own helicopter.
:'''Drake &amp; Josh''': Wha-- shh!
:'''Drake''': Not in front of our parents.
:'''Audrey''': Who is it?
:'''Drake &amp; Josh''': Uh--
:'''Drake''': Some, crazy, guy.
:''[Josh whistles]''
:'''Walter''': ''[to Audrey]'' I'll handle this. ''[he walks over to Vince]'' How can I help you?
:'''Vince''': Are you their father?
:'''Walter''': Yes. ''[Vince angrily gives him a bill]'' What's this?
:'''Vince''': ''[angrily]'' A bill. That's how much you owe me for my new helicopter.
:'''Walter''': What? ''[looks at the bill Vince gave him how much he needs to pay for his helicopter]'' '''''$400,000?!'''''
:''[Audrey and Megan are both shocked]''
:'''Drake''': ''[as Walter]'' Boys, you're both grounded.
:'''Josh''': But, Dad--
:'''Drake''': ''[as Walter]'' Grounded, two weeks.
:'''Josh''': But it wasn't our fault!
:'''Drake''': ''[as Walter]'' Upstairs.
:'''Josh''': ''[defeated]'' Yes, sir.
:'''Drake''': Night.
:'''Josh''': Night.
:''[knowing the consequences, Drake and Josh ground themselves for two weeks as the episode ends]''

===Dance Contest===
:'''Eric''': So, uh, Josh, thanks for throwing me this... great party.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, this is quite a party. Hope the neighbors don't call the cops on us.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:'''Stage director''': STOP IT! ''[multiple times]'' Perhaps, you ladies didn't read the rules: you fight, you're out! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Drake and Josh''': ''[last lines]'' Who is she?

==External links==

{{wikipedia|Drake &amp; Josh}}

[[Category:Drake &amp; Josh seasons]]
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153657</id>
      <parentid>3153656</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T20:20:52Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>68.196.68.120</ip>
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      <comment>/* Steered Straight */</comment>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="58228" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
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:'''Seasons:'''  [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 1|1]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 2|2]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 3|3]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 4|4]] | [[Drake &amp; Josh|Main]]
----
'''''[[w:Drake &amp; Josh|Drake &amp; Josh]]''''' is an American television sitcom created by Dan Schneider for Nickelodeon. The series follows the lives of two teenage boys with opposite personalities, Drake Parker (Drake Bell) and Josh Nichols (Josh Peck), who are stepbrothers.

===Josh Runs Into Oprah===
:''[Megan opens up Josh's birthday cake]''
:'''Josh''': You made me a birthday cake?
:'''Megan''': Uh-huh. Mom gave me the recipe. I think it turned out pretty good. There.
:'''Josh''': Wow! This is really full of poison, isn't it?
:'''Megan''': No!
:'''Josh''': No, what then, huh, huh, huh, hot sauce some kind of extreme laxident?
:'''Megan''': Oh, c'mon! I wouldn't let you eat a cake that make you sick on your birthday.
:'''Josh''': I'm sorry.
:'''Megan''': It's okay. Make a wish. ''[Josh blows out the birthday candles from his cake as it exploded and he turns around to Megan as he had cake pieces on his face when she pranked him]'' I didn't say it wouldn't explode!
:'''Josh''': I don't blame you so much for doing it, as I blame myself for not anticipating it.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:'''Drake''': Hey, WATCH IT, WATCH IT!!! ''[Josh screams]'' 
:''[Oprah screams as they accidentally hit her and she jumps onto the front of their car and slides off, much to Josh's horror]'' 
:'''Woman''': OPRAH!!! Oh, my god! Oprah! Somebody call for help! 
:'''Josh''': I RAN OVER OPRAH!!! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Josh angrily comes home from the hospital after Drake pranked the whole hospital thinking Josh has a virus, which in return, causes him to get a chemical bath]''
:'''Drake''': Hey, man.
:'''Josh''': ''HEY, MAN''?!
:'''Drake''': Hey... man?
:'''Josh''': You left me at hospital to be chemicaLY bathed!
:'''Drake''': Oh, yeah, how'd it go?
:'''Josh''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, actually, it was quite soothing especially the part where they...OH, IT WAS HORRIBLE!!
:'''Drake''': Kay, what up with the 'tude?
:'''Josh''': D'you know what its like to get an involuntry chemical bath? it stings...''EVERYWHERE''!
:'''Drake''': Alright, look. Tell you what, I'm going to make up to you, okay?
:'''Josh''': No. Okay, no you're not, because that's when the badness happens. The only time you do anything nice to me is after you caused me some kind of physical damage or emotional distress! You are never going to make up anything to me ever again!
:'''Drake''': Wait, do these sound okay to you? ''[Drake plays his Bongos for Josh to try to cheer him up, but Josh rips the taped up Bongos then leaves]'' Would you bring me the hot glue gun?
:'''Josh''': NOT REALLY! ''[slams the door]''

===Vicious Tiberius===
:''[Drake and Josh found out that their dad did not answer the phone because he was working out at home singing]''
:'''Drake''': Well?
:'''Josh''': No answer.
:'''Drake''': You probably dialed the wrong number. Let me see it--
:'''Josh''': No, I think I know our own number.
:'''Drake''': Dude, just let me try-- ''[he and Josh both fight with Josh's phone and it lands in the toilet]'' Nice! ''[sees Josh's phone in the toilet]''
:'''Josh''': It's your fault. Go get it.
:'''Drake''': I'm not putting my hand in there! That's where Mrs. Hayfer pees!
:'''Josh''': Probably doesn't even work anymore.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, well, let's see. ''[flushes Josh's phone away]'' It still works.
:'''Josh''': I knew the toilet still worked, Drake. I MEANT MY PHONE!
:'''Drake''': Oh, well, that's gone.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Megan''': ''[offscreen]'' Hello? Anybody home?
:'''Josh''': Who's that?
:'''Drake''': It sounds like Megan.
:'''Megan''': ''[offscreen]'' Drake? Josh?
:'''Josh''': That ''is'' Megan, how does she know? Oh, no, she's outside with Tiberius!
:'''Drake''': Oh, he'll eat her alive!
:'''Josh''': C'mon! ''[tries to open the door but Drake puts his foot on the door]'' Dude!
:'''Drake''': ''[blocks the door]'' Well, just 'cause she gets eaten, doesn't mean we have to.
:'''Josh''': That's our little sister out there, we've gotta help her!
:'''Drake''': Alright.
:'''Josh''': C'mon. ''[he and Drake come out of the bathroom and see Megan in the living room to reveal that Tiberius is behaving as he loud whispers]'' Megan! Run!
:'''Megan''': I don't wanna run.
:'''Drake''': ''[loud whisper]'' But he's vicious.
:'''Megan''': Yeah, he's real vicious. Ooh, down, boy. You're so scary.
:''[Drake and Josh walk by to her]''
:'''Josh''': I don't get it. Well, he's all calm.
:'''Drake''': Evil dog, evil girl. Makes perfect sense.
:'''Megan''': Where have you two been? You were supposed to pick me up two hours ago.
:'''Josh''': How'd you know we were here?
:'''Megan''': Dad said you were stopping here and then picking me up, which you didn't.
:'''Josh''': We couldn't.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, we were trapped here by this demon dog.
:'''Megan''': What're you talking about?
:'''Josh''': When you're not around, he goes all berserk and tries to kill us.
:'''Megan''': Really?
:'''Drake and Josh''': Yeah/Uh-huh.
:'''Megan''': ''[satisfied]'' See ya.
:''[after Megan leaves the house, Tiberius traps Drake and Josh in the bathroom again]''

===The Wedding===
:''[Opening comments: Drake and Josh talk about how unpleasant their great aunt Catherine is and both are in agreement that she is quite unpleasant]''
:'''Josh''': So, me and Drake have this Great Aunt Catherine.
:'''Drake''': Have you ever met my Great Aunt Catherine? No? Well, hey. Lucky you.
:'''Josh''': She's almost 90 years old.
:'''Drake''': She's like 90,000 years old.
:'''Josh''': She's not nice!
:'''Drake''': She is mean. ''[gets closer to the viewers]'' Mean to the ''bone''!
:'''Josh''': Something's not right about Aunt Catherine.
:'''Drake''': She collects hair... from people she doesn't even know well!
:'''Josh''': Oh, and get this.
:'''Drake and Josh''': Aunt Catherine's getting married!
:'''Josh''': I mean, who wants to get married at 89 years old?
:'''Drake''': You know, Josh and I disagree on a lot of stuff, but I bet he hates Aunt Catherine just as much as I do.
:'''Josh''': I wonder if Drake hates Aunt Catherine as much as I do. ''[turns to Drake]'' Do ya?
:'''Drake''': Totally.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Josh''': Why are you in such a hurry?
:'''Drake''': 'Cause I want Aunt Catherine's beach house, bad.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, so do I.
:'''Drake''': Well, we can't be late for the wedding, and we have to pick up the cake.
:'''Josh''': Dude, we got plenty of time, alright? Just as long as we get to the bakery before... ''[notices his laptop case gone]'' Hey, have you seen my laptop case? I thought I left it right here.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, I gave it to Craig and Eric.
:'''Josh''': You... You what?!
:'''Drake''': They told me you said it was cool.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, I said it was cool for 'em to borrow my computer, but why'd you give them the whole case? It had my cell phone in it and my keys to Mom's SUV! Now we have no car!
:'''Drake''': Well, I'll just call Craig and Eric and tell them to come back.
:'''Josh''': No, we can't. They don't have cell phones.
:'''Drake''': Why?
:'''Josh''': 'Cause Papa Nichols threw Eric's against the wall and broke it, and Craig's mom thinks cell phones cause ear sores!
:'''Drake''': Craig does get a lot of ear sores.
:'''Josh''': Look, we cannot be late to this wedding!
:'''Drake''': Right, okay, um... Trevor!
:'''Josh''': What about Trevor?
:'''Drake''': We'll borrow his car.
:'''Josh''': His girlfriend sleeps in it.
:'''Drake''': No, they broke up. She sleeps in some other guy's car now.
:'''Josh''': I don't wanna go to a wedding in Trevor's El Camino, it's old and gross.
:'''Drake''': So is Aunt Catherine.
:'''Josh''': Drake, if we--
:'''Drake''': Look, it runs, and the wedding cake will fit in the back. And the most important thing is it'll get us there on time. ''[starts calling Trevor on the phone]'' 

===Mindy Loves Josh===
:'''Josh''': What do you want?
:'''Megan''': There's a couple of guys outside stealing  your bike.
:'''Josh''': Oh I just moved the chain, HANDS OFF MY RIDE! ''[runs outside]'' Hey!
:'''Mindy''': Maybe, I should have call the police.
:'''Megan''': Nah, no ones stealing his bike.
:'''Mindy''': What did you tell him that for? You got him all upset for nothing.
:'''Megan''': Yeah. 

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
Megan: What are you eating? 
Drake: Big cookie. 

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
Josh: Mindy, I am in the process of becoming a woman, so I worried… 
Drake: JOSH!!! OH, MY GOD, JOSH!!!! 
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Megan comes inside Drake and Josh's room and tells Drake her truth after making his hands green (when she saw Drake eating her cookie)]''
:'''Drake''': Oh, it's you. Close the door!
:'''Megan''': ''[closes the door and walks up to Drake]'' What's going on?
:'''Drake''': Swear not to tell mom and dad?
:'''Megan''': Swear.
:'''Drake''': Well, I've have this rare skin disease called dermatameculitis.
:'''Megan''': ''[gasps]'' Oh my god! Are you okay?
:'''Drake''': I will be. See, I read online that you can cure it by soaking in zipholic acid which is in lizard pee.
:'''Megan''': Or you know there is another cure.
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Megan''': Next time, don't eat my big cookie.
:'''Drake''': What are you saying?
:'''Megan''': I tricked you into thinking you have a rare skin disease by dying your hands and feet green while you slept and that you were stupid enough to actually fall for it and stick your hands and feet in buckets in lizard pee. That what I'm saying.
:'''Drake''': Megan!
:'''Megan''': You have a little somethin' on your upper lip.
:''[Drake touches his upper lip with his green hand and suffers from it as Megan leaves his and Josh's room]''
:'''Drake''': Wait!
:'''Megan''': What?
:'''Drake''': Is it gone?
:''[Megan leaves the room]''

===Who's Got Game?===
:'''Carly''': ''[walks up to Drake]'' Help you find something?
:'''Drake''': Oh no, I got- ''[turns to see her]'' No, I got it.
:'''Carly''': Sparks, nice. Yes, I saw them live last week at &quot;The Phyton&quot;.
:'''Drake''': No way, I was there.
:'''Carly''': Oh, yeah, you were that guy in the crowd listening.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, that was me!
:'''Carly''': I was kidding.
:'''Drake''': Me, too.
:'''Carly''': Come on, I'll ring you up.
:'''Drake''': Okay.
:''[they both walk up to the cashier's desk]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Josh''': ''[walks up to Drake]'' Well, while you keep kissing your new girlfriend, I'm going to go back home and move my special pillow onto your bed.
:'''Drake''': What? ''[turns around to Josh]''
:'''Josh''': Well, I've had 22 dates this you week and you've only had one.
:'''Drake''': Okay, yeah. I guess you get my bed. Alright, you win.
:'''Josh''': I win? I GOT MORE GIRLS THAN DRAKE!! ''[laughs]'' JOSH NICHOLS IS NO LONGER A LITTLE CATERPILLAR, AH, HE IS A BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY!! ''[flaps wings for a while then stops out of embarrassment]'' See you guys at home. ''[walks away]''

===The Great Doheny===
:'''Josh''': Uh, Megan. This is Henry Doheny. I'm gonna go make him a sandwich with some crinko cup fries and you keep him company. ''[runs off to make Doheny his sandwich]''
:'''Megan''': Henry Doheny. Didn't you use to be like a really famous magician?
:'''Henry Doheny''': Hmmm. ''[pretends to think]''  Why don't you, reach into, ''[points to trash can and Megan looks at it]'' that decorative trash can and tell me.
:'''Megan''': ''[looks at him, searches through the trash-can, picks out old papers than a bunny, and gasps]'' A bunny!
:'''Henry Doheny''': Her name is Cookie, if you hold her close, she'll lick your nose.
:'''Megan''': ''[puts Cookie to her face and Cookie begins to lick her as she laughs]'' Oh my god, this is the cutest bunny I've ever seen! Can I keep her?
:'''Henry Doheny''': I insist!
:'''Megan''': Thanks! ''[goes to her room, admiring Cookie]''
:'''Henry Doheny''': ''[To Drake]'' Pick a card!
:'''Drake''': ''[picks a card]'' Now what?
:'''Henry Doheny''': Now, put it back. ''[Drake gives the card back and he takes the deck into his jacket]''
:'''Drake''': ''[looks at Doheny with a weird gaze]'' What's my card?
:'''Henry Doheny''': Cough. ''[Drake coughs out a card]'' Open it. ''[Drake does so and Doheny isn't even looking]'' Is that your card?
:'''Drake''': Yeah. Please do me a favor and don't make things come outta my body.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Walter''': ''[looking himself in the mirror after Doheny made him bald]'' Ahh! Check me out! I'm bald. ''[leaving the room]'' Honey, Mr. Doheny made me bald!

===I Love Sushi===
:'''Josh''': ''[presses record button on video camera remote for filming contest entry video]'' Dear pump my room, this is our living room.
:'''Drake''': A room, in which we live. 
:'''Josh''': Um, we really wish we'd win this makeover.
:'''Drake''': But not for us.
:'''Josh''': For our parents.
:'''Drake''': We call them, &quot;Mom and Dad&quot;.
:'''Josh''': You see, my dad married his mom almost five years ago.
:'''Drake''': I am still in shock.
:'''Josh''': And soon, it'll be their fifth anniversary.
:'''Drake''': ''[sheepishly]'' Still in shock.
:'''Josh''': Now, we can't afford to buy them anything fancy.
:'''Drake''': So we pray that you wonderful people at Pump my Room choose us.
:'''Josh''': Eh, our parents.
:'''Drake''': For the special gift, of a room makeover. ''[desperately]'' Please.
:'''Josh''': ''[desperately]'' Please. ''[Drake and Josh both embrace each other, drake grabs for the remote to end the video recording]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Josh''': Okay, mom and dad. Here it comes.
:'''Drake''': Who's ready to go inside?
:'''Audrey''': What is up with you guys?
:'''Walter''': Yeah, you kept us out all day driving all over the city.
:'''Drake''': Get ready. ''[he opens the door as he, Josh, Walter, and Audrey come inside the house]''
:'''Drake and Josh''': HAPPY ANNIVERS- ''[they turn on the lights to reveal that the furniture in the living room has been stolen]'' -''[lamely]'' sery.
:'''Walter''': Drake?
:'''Audrey''': Josh!
:'''Walter''': Where's our stuff?
:'''Josh''': We've been robbed!
:'''Drake''': ''[curious]'' Surprise!
:''[Walter and Audrey both get shocked after all of the furniture from the living room disappeared]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Drake Parker. Josh Nichols. ''[Drake and Josh come in Mr. Nadel's office]'' What do you want?
:'''Josh''': We understand that you give people temporary jobs?
:'''Mr. Nadel''': So?
:'''Josh''': And we'd like one.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': And I'd like to meet with another woman who doesn't change her phone number after the first date.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, well good luck with that.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Ok, what are your skills?
:'''Drake''': I play guitar and date girls.
:'''Josh''': Well, I'm an honor student. I'm pretty good with magic tricks, I can cook. Oh, in the 5th grade I was vote most polite child-
:'''Mr. Nadel''': ''[yells]'' NO! THAT'S ENOUGH! ''[in a normal voice]'' Well, let's see, I've got men's room attendant, ditch digger, or you could clean up after elephants at the zoo?
:'''Drake''': Wow, they all sound so wonderful.
:'''Josh''': Do you gave any jobs that are, you know... not repulsive?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, and we want one that pays a lot.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Sure, and I wanna meet a woman who doesn't change her phone number after the first date.
:'''Josh''': You already said that.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': ''[yelling]'' WELL IT HAPPENS EVERY TIME! I MEAN WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!
:'''Drake''': We just want jobs.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Alright look, I got two jobs working the line at a fish factory. Not glamorous enough for you?
:'''Josh''': Well, what would we have to do?
:'''Mr. Nadel''': You'd be assembling packages of sushi for distribution to local supermarkets. Pays 18 bucks an hour. Each.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, we'll take it.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Good. Happy. Happy. Here's the address. Be there Saturday morning 8:00.
:'''Drake:''' 8:00?
:'''Josh''': We'll be there.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Yeah, yeah.
:''[Drake and Josh leave Mr. Nadel's office; Nadel types in numbers on his phone from a piece of paper]''
:'''Phone''': The number you have reached has been disconnected
:'''Mr. Nadel''': ''[bangs on desk]'' EVERY TIME! Stupid lotion! ''[knocks a bottle of lotion on the floor]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': Look man, we tried our best I can't think of anything else...
:''[Drake and Josh realize they're sitting on the couch and feel it to make sure they're not dreaming Josh looks around and sees everything back in the living room]''
:'''Josh''': The Furniture's back!
:'''Drake''': We did it!
:'''Josh''': We didn't do anything!
:'''Audrey''': Howdy, boys.
:'''Walter''': Surprised?
:'''Josh''': Yeah! How'd you get our furniture back?
:'''Audrey''': The police found the robbers moving van.
:'''Walter''': It was broken down about a half a mile up the street.
:'''Drake''': And they found everything?
:'''Walter''': Yep.
:'''Audrey''': It's all here. ''[smells rotten stench on Drake and Josh]'' Do I smell rotting sushi?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, it's a long story.
:'''Josh''': Uh see we...
:'''Walter''': ''[cuts Josh off at mid sentence]'' We don't want to know.

===The Storm===
:''[Drake hits Eric in the chest and notices Lucy]''
:'''Eric''': Ow.
:'''Drake''': That's Lucy, my ex-girlfriend. Josh invited my ex-girlfriend?
:'''Eric''': Well, yeah. When we were going over the gas list, Josh said you and Lucy were still friends.
:'''Drake''': Well, we are, but I invited Carly. I can't have my current girlfriend and my ex-girlfriend at the same party. You want the universe to explode? Man, what am I gonna--? ''[hits Eric in the chest again and notices Christine]'' 
:'''Eric''': Ow!
:'''Drake''': Christine? How many of my ex-girlfriends are here?
:'''Eric''': Just those two. I hope. Or else I'm gonna need chest replacement surgery!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': ''[after being on the phone with Josh]'' That was Josh.
:'''Julio''': They cancelled the concert?
:'''Drake''': The whole stage is underwater.
:'''Gary''': My uncle's got a boat!
:'''Drake''': That's great, Gary. Why don't ya climb into your uncle's boat and SAIL OFF TO MORON ISLAND?!!! 

&lt;hr width=“50%”&gt; 
Crazy Steve: C’MON, DORA!!!

===My Dinner with Bobo===
:''[Drake and Josh and Megan get a car]''
:'''Megan''': ''[looking at a car with tattooed flowers]'' Oh my god! I love this car! Let's buy this one!
:'''Drake''': Shall we harmonize?
:'''Josh''': Let's.
:'''Drake and Josh''': ''[singing]'' No!
:'''Megan''': Dad said I can help pick out the car.
:'''Drake''': Uh yes. And thank you for helping us decide we're not getting this one.
:'''Megan''': Don't push me.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': ''[appears and gets out of his cart]'' Well now, let me guess! You folks are looking for a car.
:'''Josh''': Hey, you're Stan the Car Man.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': The very same.
:'''Josh''': I know, I love your commercials. You need a car, you need a truck, you need a van! Come see Stan the Car Man!
:'''Drake''': Who sells trucks and vans.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': I don't like it when people imitate me.
:'''Josh''': I'm sorry.
:'''Drake''': I'm also sorry. ''[points at a monkey]'' Hey, Bobo! Aw, I love this guy! ''[picks up Bobo]''
:'''Stan the Car Man''': He seems to have taken a liking to you too!
:'''Drake''': Aw, he's awesome.
:'''Megan''': Yeah, maybe he can tutor you in math.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': How much were you boys hoping to spend in this vehicle?
:'''Drake''': About $2400.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': $2400. About what car did you had in mind?
:'''Josh''': Something safe.
:'''Drake''': Something fast.
:'''Josh''': Gets good mileage.
:'''Drake''': It's gotta have satellite radio.
:'''Josh''': Heated seats would be nice.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': Huh?
:'''Josh''': I get cold down there.
:'''Megan''': Look! No one is interested in your butt temperature problems.
:'''Josh''': Dr. Fish bum is.
:'''Drake''': Look, can you just show us something we can afford?
:'''Stan the Car Man''': Well, I surely can. Right over there!
:'''Josh''': Alright.
:'''Drake''': Come on. ''[he and Josh walk away]''
:'''Stan the Car Man''': Butt temperature problems?
:'''Megan''': He's a mess. ''[she and Stan the Car Man walk away too]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake and Josh come inside Dr. Favershim's apartment to rescue Bobo]''
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Come in.
:'''Drake''': We are in.
:'''Josh''': Yeah. And we want Bobo back.
:'''Dr. Favershim''': I'm sorry, we had a deal. $10,000 for your delicious friends.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, well deal's off.
:'''Josh''': So just take your check back and give us Bobo.
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Are you sure?
:'''Josh''': Absolutely.
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Very well, Bobo is in the back of the closet right over there. You may fetch him.
:'''Josh''': Back of the closet?
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Good.
:'''Josh''': Come on dude, let's go get him.
:'''Drake''': Whoa? Is he in here?
:'''Josh''': Perhaps.
:'''Drake''': In the coat, where is he?
:''[when Dr. Favershim locked Drake and Josh in the closet so he could eat Bobo, Drake and Josh yell inside the closet in order to get out after Dr. Favershim pranked them]''
:'''Dr. Favershim''': I'm sorry boys, but I can't let you interfere with my dinner plans. ''[takes off the curtain off of Bobo's cage]'' Hello, little friend. I hope you have good taste.
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' You open the door or we're gonna call the cops!
:'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' Yeah, we have a cellphone in here!
:'''Dr. Favershim''': You have no cellphone.
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Do too!
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Prove it.
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' How?
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Play me a ringtone.
:''[Josh plays a ringtone on his phone from the closet]''
:'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' See? I told ya we got a cellphone!
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Does it have Bluetooth?
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' What?!?!
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Your cellphone, does it have Bluetooth?
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Ya, dude it has Bluetooth.
:'''Dr. Favershim''': I don't believe you. Show me.
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Fine! Open the door! ''[Dr. Favershim opens door]'' See, Bluetooth! Ha, ha! ''[Dr. Favershim pushes Josh back in the closet, takes his phone, and locks the door again]'' What?! Oh, man!
:'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' Oh, nice goin', Bluetooth!
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Don't start with me! ''[Josh slaps Drake off-screen]''
:'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' Ow!
:''[Dr. Favershim cuts slices of a carrot and takes a bite and walks up to Bobo to eat a piece, too]'' 

===Tree House===
:''[Drake and Josh are trapped inside Robbie's treehouse when they're trying to rebuild it]''
:'''Josh''': Drake…? 
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Josh''': Where's the door hole?
:'''Drake''': It goes right there, see? I drew it with a magic marker.
:'''Josh''': You were supposed to cut it out with the power saw!
:'''Drake''': Dude, I'm gonna!
:'''Josh''': Oh, really?
:'''Drake''': Yes!
:'''Josh''': So go get the power saw.
:'''Drake''': Okay, I will! ''[tries to walk through the wall where the painted door is]'' I see the problem…. 
:'''Josh''': Oh, do ya?!

&lt;hr width=50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Megan refuses to let Drake and Josh out of the Robbie's tree house because she is angry that they made her miss her friend Janie's birthday party]''
:'''Megan''': ''[walks to Drake with a snow cone]'' Hey boob.
:'''Drake''': Where you've been?
:'''Megan''': I told you I was about to get a snow cone.
:'''Drake''': Okay, well now that you have one, can you please hand up the power saw so we can get out of here?
:'''Megan''': Let me think, no!
:'''Drake''': Listen to me! You make us miss our dates with those two hot identical twins. I swear- ''[Josh grabs him]''
:'''Josh''': Hey!
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Josh''': We don't need that power saw!
:'''Drake''': Then how are we gonna get out of here?
:'''Josh''': ''[grabs the power screwdriver]'' Power screwdriver! We just need to unscrew one of these walls and boom we are out!
:'''Drake''': Do it brother!
:'''Josh''': Okay. ''[he power screws the door but realized it's dead]'' Set this baby to reverse.
:'''Drake''': Why'd it stop?
:'''Josh''': I don't know. The screwdriver- ''[looks outside the window thinking that Megan unplugged it]'' MEGAN!
:'''Megan''': ''[satisfied; after she unplugged the power screwdriver]'' Yes, can I help you? 

===Josh is Done===
:'''Drake''': C'mon, let's play ping-pong!
:'''Josh''': Alright. I'll play if it'll stop you from yapping.
:'''Drake''': And the battle begins! ''[rings bell]'' Ohh, my worthy opponent. Are you prepared to ping the pong?
:'''Josh''': Wahahaha. I am prepared, young sedgewan. Your pong is no match for my ping!
:'''Drake''': Ahh, do your worst! ''[he and Josh play ping-pong until Josh's paddle flies out of his hand and out the window, to Josh’s horror]'' You have smashed the window of transparency!
:'''Josh''': ''[runs to the broken window]'' Aw, man! Mom and dad are gonna kill me!
:'''Drake''': Oh, probably. Come on, let's finish the game.
:'''Josh''': I don't have a paddle!
:'''Drake''': Oh, there's an extra one downstairs, be back in a sec.
:'''Josh''': We can't be late for this-
:'''Drake''': I'll be back in a few seconds, you can study while I'm gone. ''[gives Josh the book and leaves the room]''
:'''Josh''': I don't think it leaves us enough- ''[opens the book a reads a page]'' What is the atomic weight of beryllium? 9.01. ''[yells]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Josh''': ''[All sweaty from running all the way to class after Drake left him behind, bumps into the door]'' PLEASE! PLEASE, LEMME IN!! I AM SORRY I'M LATE! ''[Drake looks at him from his desk]''
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Opens the door]'' Mr. Nichols, you know the rule. 
:'''Josh''': B-But you don't understand. You see, I was just about to- 
:'''Mr. Roland''': I understand that you are late, and when you're late to my class, you're not welcomed in my class. 
:'''Josh''': Uh, b-but w-what about the exam? 
:'''Mr. Roland''': You will take a make-up exam next Saturday morning at 6AM, and you will be marked down 1 letter grade! 
:'''Josh''': ''[Very upset and despairing]'' Oh, no. No-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh!!! ''[Points at Drake angrily]'' YOU!
:'''Drake''': ''[Defensively]'' What? 
:'''Josh''': ''[Yells and runs in the classroom to attack Drake, only to be held back by the other students, while Drake stares]'' COME HERE! COME HERE, YOU WANNA TUSSLE!? LET'S GO!! LET ME CLOSER!!! 
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[enraged]'' Mr. Nichols! Mr. Nichols, you will leave this classroom NOW! 
:'''Josh''': But- 
:'''Mr. Roland''': NOW! 
:'''Josh''': I- 
:'''Mr. Roland''': NOW! 
:'''Josh''': ''[defeated]'' Now...? ''[Leaves the classroom as Mr. Roland locks the classroom door, as Josh continues trying to plead his case]'' Now, if you would just allow me to explain, OH!!! ''[Mr. Roland yanks down the door window shade]''
:'''Mr. Roland''': As I was saying, you will have 55 minutes to complete your exams. ''[Mr. Roland walks over to the classroom windows to close the blinds as Josh from outside still tries to plead his case.]'' You will use a #2 pencil.
:'''Josh''': ''[Sobbing]'' Your so hard! 
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Closes first blind]'' Not #1, not #3.
:'''Josh''': ''[Still sobbing]'' So unbelievably hard!
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Closes second blind]'' If you have any questions during the exams, don’t ask them!
:'''Josh''': ''[Still sobbing]'' I really do, I give everything a hundred…
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Closes last blind]'' I want silence in this classroom! Silence, is golden.
:'''Josh''': ''[Freaks out]'' Nooo! Nah! Nah! Nah! Nah!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Drake''': ''[Gets home after the exam (which he failed most likely) and takes Robbie's sit-n-bounce just to get Josh over his rage, still not caring about making him late earlier despite wanting to have fun together]'' Hey, Josh. What goes on? 
:'''Josh''': Just readin' my book. 
:'''Drake''': ''[signs]'' Look, I'm sorry about this morning. You know, but Kat called and wanted to make out, and, you know, Kat. 
:'''Josh''': ''[Knowing that Drake's apology is fake]'' Yes, yes. She's very pretty. 
:'''Drake''': Alright, you're still mad. But you won't be for long, 'cause I got you your very own sit-n-bounce! ''[Josh says nothing]'' Sit-n-bounce!  
:'''Josh''': No, thanks. 
:'''Megan''': Doesn't that kid Robbie next door have a sit-n-bounce just like that? 
:'''Drake''': No! No. And, c'mon, have you ever sat and bounced before? You can't be upset when you're sittin' and bouncin'. ''[plays with it. Josh closes his book and gets up, Drake bounces in front of him]'' 
:'''Josh''': Would you please move?
:'''Drake''': ''[stop bouncing]'' Look, dude, I said I was sorry.
:'''Josh''': Oh, I heard you.
:'''Drake''': Well, stop being mad at me.
:'''Josh''': I'm not mad at you. I'm done.
:'''Drake''': What's that supposed to mean?
:'''Josh''': I don't want anything to do with you anymore.
:'''Drake''': So what, are you gonna move out?
:'''Josh''': No, this is a house where I live, and I guess we'll be roommates until the day I leave for college. But that's all we'll be, is roommates. I'm done with you. ''[walks away, leaving Drake concerned]'' 
:'''Megan''': Whoa! 
:'''Drake''': What? 
:'''Megan''': You really did it this time. 
:'''Drake''': Oh, c'mon, ya know how many times Josh has been ''furious'' with me? Uh, he'll pout for a day or 2, and then he'll get over it. 
:'''Megan''': I dunno, he sounded pretty serious. 
:'''Drake''': Trust me. Alright, I know Josh, and there's no way he's gonna keep this up- 
:'''Robbie''': ''[walks in]'' I knew it! I knew you took my sit-n-bounce! ''[kicks Drake in the leg and takes his sit-n-bounce back]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''[Without Josh, Drake begins suffering bad luck, while Josh's life improves with more good luck than ever, even passing his make-up exam and getting his grade back up]'' 
:'''Drake''': ''[arrives at the Primere ]'' Hello, Josh.
:'''Josh''': Hi, Drake.
:'''Craig''': Why are you all sweaty?
:'''Drake''': I'm all sweaty because I ran out of gas and I had to walk all the way here because SOMEBODY forgot to fill up the car!
:'''Josh''': It's not my responsibility to fill the car with gas.
:'''Drake''': You always fill up the car!
:'''Josh''': Used to, now I put in just enough gas for myself.
:'''Drake''': Well, good! You know, good for you! I DON'T NEED YOUR GAS! And just so you know, I'm gonna go see a movie right now and I don't need a free ticket from you cause mom paid me 10 bucks to get out of the house! So I don't need you for ANYTHING!
:'''Leah''': Movie tickets here are $11.
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Eric''': And popcorn and soda are gonna cost you another 6 or 7.
:'''Drake''': D'oh! You know what? I'm not even gonna buy a ticket, I'm just going in. Right, just going right in! ''[yells at ticket checker employee, he stubbornly walks into theater 7]'' 
:'''Josh''': ''[clears throat, grabs the communicator]'' Security, we have a problem in theater 7: male Caucasian, sweaty, wearing a gray sweatshirt. ''[beeps]'' So what's the difference between a hoagie and a submarine sandwich? 
:'''Steve''': I always thought a hoagie was a hot sandwich, and a submarine could be served hot or cold. 
:'''Craig''': No, I think it's the other way around. 
:'''Eric''': Okay, but what's a grinder? 
:'''Leah''': Same thing as a hoagie. 
:'''Drake''': ''[getting dragged by the security guards]'' Hey! Hey! Let go, let go! Josh, Josh! Tell them to let me go! Josh, Josh! Tell them! Tell them! Look this way, I know this guy, I know this guy. Ask him, ask him. 
:'''Security Guard''': Is this guy a friend of yours? 
:''[pause]''
:'''Josh''': ''[satisfied]'' No, he's not. 
:'''Drake''': ''[frustrated]'' Josh!! Oh. You're gonna regret this, Josh! You need me! YOU NEED ME!!! 
:'''Josh''': So, hoagie and grinder same thing, huh? 
:'''Leah, Steve, Eric, &amp; Craig''': ''[All talking at once in agreement]'' Yes./That's right./Uh-huh./Yeah. 
:'''Steve''': All in the sandwich family.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': ''[After being switched with another lab partner named Clayton, messes up his science experiment, causing green water to flow and spill over his hand]'' Whoa-whoa! Hey-hey! What's happening, what's happening!? Oh-okay-okay-okay! Arms tingling, arms tingling! 
:'''Craig''': Chemical emergency! ''[Turns on the alarm]'' 
:'''Mr. Roland''': Let's get him in the power-shower! ''[Grabs Drake and carries him into the chemical shower, as Josh watches in shock]'' 
:'''Drake''': Hey-hey! Watch it, will you-!? What is this!? ''[Roki shuts the door, Mr. Roland turns on the water]'' What are you, what are you-!? AAA-OOHHHH!!!! ''[Starts yelling as the water stingingly washes off the chemicals]''  
:'''Mr. Roland''': Drake, are you alright? 
:'''Drake''': Hey! What is this water!? Ow! ''[Continues yelling as everybody, including Josh, watches]'' 
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Drake has just been in the chemical shower, turns off the water]'' Drake, you may come out now. ''[Drake comes out, all soaked and groaning]'' Sit down, Drake. ''[Drake ignores him, walks towards the door]'' Drake, sit down!
:'''Drake''': No!
:'''Mr. Roland''': Drake!
:'''Drake''': Josh!
:'''Josh''': What?
:'''Drake''': Look, I'm sorry.
:'''Josh''': Well--
:'''Drake''': Look, let me finish, okay? I was wrong, okay? I was wrong.
:'''Josh''': What d'you mean?
:'''Drake''': I-I need you more than you need me. Uh, I-I need you ''way more'' than you need me, a-alright? I'm sorry. M-Man, I'm sorry I made you late for your exam, and I'm sorry I ran over your bike, and I, uh-- I-I'm sorry, I'm probably the worst brother in the world! And y-you know, you're way better off without me, you know? I just-- I just need you to understand that-- uh, I just-- Sorry, Josh, I'm sorry. ''[tearfully walks out of the classroom, leaving Josh stunned]''
:'''Mr. Roland''': Josh, would you like to go talk to Drake?
:'''Josh''': ''[realizes he has gone a little too far for cutting Drake out of his life, seeing how he learned his lesson the hard way]'' No. No, sir.
:'''Mr. Roland''': Alright. Class, let's get back to our experiments. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[As Drake miserably tries to play ping-pong alone, Josh runs in with a kung fu yell, ready to forgive his brother]''
:'''Josh''': Hoaw! We have unfinished business, young sedgewan. 
:'''Drake''': Josh…. 
:'''Josh''': Wa-cho! You will address me only as Master Mon-googoo. ''[Drake cheers up as Josh picks up his paddle]'' 
:'''Drake''': Your words, they are strong. Uh, but your skills are weak!
:'''Josh''': Your foolishness, young sedgewan, has sealed your fate! 
:'''Drake''': Aw, destiny is mine! ''[They play ping-pong ball together and reconcile again happily as the episode ends]''

===Eric Punches Drake===
:'''Mr. Roland''': Josh, Mindy. The new chemistry books just arrived. They're in my classroom. 
:'''Mindy''': No way! 
:'''Josh''': Oh, come on! 
:'''Craig''': Hey, remember in Dragon to Death when Billy Chang fights Joaquin the Dream?
:'''Eric''': Remember? One does not forget the wo-cho fist of silence. ''[Tries to demonstrate, only to accidentally punch Drake in the eye and knock him out in the process]'' Oh, my god! 
:'''Craig''': Drake, are you alright!? 

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
:'''Josh''': Hey, Craig. 
:'''Craig''': Evenin'. 
:'''Josh''': Where's Eric? 
:'''Craig''': Oh, he didn't wanna come. He was afraid Drake might be mad at him 'cause he punched him in the eye. 
:'''Josh''': He's not mad. Drake, you're not mad, are you? 
:'''Drake''': Nah, I'm not mad. Craig didn't mean to hit me. 
:'''Craig''': I'M Craig! 
:'''Drake''': ''[scoffs]'' It matters. 

&lt;hr width =50%&gt; 
:''[door bell rings]'' 
:'''Josh''': Yo, Drake, get that! 
:'''Drake''': Got it. ''[opens the door and finds Mindy there]'' Oh, is it Halloween already? Aren't you a scary, little witch? 
:'''Mindy''': Oh, look at your black eye. Well, I hope it hurts.
:'''Drake''': You shebeast!
:'''Mindy''': Microbrain!
:'''Drake''': Weirdface!
:'''Mindy''': Ignoramus!
:'''Drake''': ''[beat]'' What?
:'''Mindy''': Exactly! 
:'''Chad''': Hey. 
:'''Mindy''': Oh, hey. 
:'''Chad''': Sorry, I had to park the car at the bottom of the hill. 
:'''Mindy''': Oh, no problem. Step aside. ''[both walk inside. Drake suspects Chad to be Mindy's new boyfriend and goes into the kitchen, while Josh and Craig set up the projector]'' 
:'''Drake''': JOSH! 
:'''Josh''': ''[jumps, accidentally flips the projector]'' Aw, now I gotta reset the white balance! 
:'''Drake''': No, I need to talk to you! ''[to Craig]'' Get out. ''[Craig walks out]'' 
:'''Josh''': What? 
:'''Drake''': Mindy's here.  
:'''Josh''': I know, I invited her. 
:'''Drake''': Did you invite ''him?'' ''[turns Josh's head around towards Chad]''  
:'''Josh''': Who's him? 
:'''Drake''': Her date. 
:'''Josh''': ''[shudders]'' I don't care. 
:'''Drake''': Yes, you do!

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
:'''Drake''': Hey, Clayton. 
:'''Clayton''': ''[mumbling]'' Hi. 
:''[Drake slips his mouth-wash, then takes Clayton's water bottle, spits in it, and gives it back to him (possibly as revenge for Drake's chemical incident in the previous episode), to Clayton's disgust. 3 students walk behind Drake, laughing at him]''
:'''Drake''': Hello? 
:'''Boy''': ''[sees Drake's black eye]'' It's true! 
:'''Drake''': Oh, the black eye? Yeah, a little accident. 
:'''Boy''': That's not what we heard. 
:'''Drake''': And what did you hear? 
:'''Boy''': That you're making fun of Eric's sister. 
:'''Girl''': Hey, Drake. I heard you got punched by a nerd. 
:'''Drake''': IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!!! 

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
:'''Crazy Steve''': Excuse me, Josh. 
:'''Josh''': What!? 
:'''Crazy Steve''': I notice you're stacking that candy in an angry way. 
:'''Josh''': I AM angry! Alright, Mindy's over there with her new boyfriend, rubbing him right in my face. 
:'''Crazy Steve''': I just give this a little squeeze... DON'T DRINK WHILE I'M TALKING!!!! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Craig''': ''[pops up from the trash can]'' Hello.
:'''Drake''': ''[screams]'' Craig?
:'''Craig''': Are you alone?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, I'm alone.
:'''Craig''': Good. ''[holds out a bag of pork rinds]'' Pork rind?
:'''Drake''': Sure. ''[takes a pork rind from the bag and starts eating it]'' So you're the one that sent the blimp?
:'''Craig''': That's right.
:'''Drake''': ''[concerned]'' Why would you wanna take down Eric? He's your best friend.
:'''Craig''': WAS my best friend. Now that Eric's Mr. Popular pants and has a hot girlfriend, he doesn't give a rat's hat about me!
:'''Drake''': Rat's hat?
:'''Craig''': ''[furious]'' He's forgotten that I am the one who's been his best friend since we were 7 years old! THAT I'M THE ONE WHO DRIED HIS TEARS WHEN HIS IGUANA GOT DIABETES! THAT I--  
:'''Drake''': ''[He interrupts Craig]'' OKAY, OKAY, I get it, get it, get it. Just tell me how to stop him.
:'''Craig''': Ok, but first you have to promise me something.
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Craig''': I love to sing.
:'''Drake''': ''[confused, steps aside]'' And?
:'''Craig''': And you are like a professional singer.
:'''Drake''': ''[still confused]'' You wanna sing a song with me?
:'''Craig''': I've wanted this for a long time!
:'''Drake''': Ok, ok, if you help me prove Eric's a liar, you can sing a song with me.
:'''Craig''': Excellent. Now, listen carefully. Eric, is a pacifist.
:'''Drake''': I thought he was Jewish.
:'''Craig''': A pacifist is someone who refuses to fight.
:'''Drake''': Okay...
:'''Craig''': So, if you insult Eric in front of a bunch of people, he won't fight back, and then everyone will know he was lying about standing up to you!
:'''Drake''': Uh-huh!
:'''Craig''': And then he won't be popular anymore which means he'll come crawling back to me! And don't forget our song.
:'''Drake''': I won't forget the song.
:'''Craig''': Good, I'll start practicing.
:''[Drake walks away while Craig starts singing in the dumpster behind the school's cafeteria]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': ''[he stops the argument about stacks of cards]'' Okay, you know what?! You know what?! Enough with the cards, alright?! I got big problems!
:'''Josh''': What, that Eric thing?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, he's lying to everybody and ruining my life just to make himself popular. But you know what? 
:'''Josh''': What?
:'''Drake''': I'm gonna go find Eric and punch him right in his little nerdy head!
:'''Josh''': You don't want to do that! ''[grabs him]''
:'''Drake''': Then give me a one good reason.
:'''Josh''': 'Cause it's not gonna help you! Alright? It's just gonna make you look worse or you're gonna handle these things maturely.
:'''Drake''': Kinda like you do with Mindy?!
:'''Josh''': DIFFERENT!!! ''[crosses his arms]''
:'''Drake''': It's not different?
:'''Josh''': Mindy rubbing a new boyfriend in my face is an outrage, OUTRAGE!!!
:'''Drake''': And Eric wrecking my life isn't?!
:'''Josh''': I'm not saying it's not bro, but look you gotta help me with-- ''[the doorbell interrupts them as Drake opens the door and Clayton talks to Drake and Josh about what Drake did to his water]''
:'''Clayton''': ''[worried, mumbling]'' Why?
:''[Josh points to Drake and tells him to close the door. Drake awkwardly locks the door as he and Josh cool off]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chad''': Do you guys have free refills on the ginger ale?
:'''Josh''': Oh, you want some ginger ale do you? Yeah, Chad can't get enough of his precious ginger ale!! Oh, No! Well, I'll tell you what, Chad!!! Why not call up the ginger ale headquarters and have them back up a tanker truck to your mouth!? So Chad can drink ginger ale til' there's no more ginger ale for the REST OF THE EARTH'S POPULATION!!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[after Josh becomes obnoxious that Mindy has a new boyfriend, she comes over to check on him]''
:'''Josh''': What do you except? I mean, I know we're broken up, but that doesn’t give you the right to rub your new boyfriend in my face.
:'''Mindy''': He's not my boyfriend.
:'''Josh''': Look, I don't care what you call him-
:'''Mindy''': He's my cousin.
:'''Josh''': Your cousin?
:'''Mindy''': Yeah. I'm not dating anyone. He just moved here from St. Louis, so I've been showing him around.
:'''Josh''': Why didn't you tell me that?
:'''Mindy''': I tried, you never gave me a chance.
:'''Josh''': So tonight, you were just messing with my head? 
:'''Mindy''': I think you deserved it after the way you screamed at me. 
:'''Josh''': I still think that was a really obnoxious thing for you to do! 
:'''Mindy''': I think you acted ''way'' more obnoxious. 
:'''Josh''': Well, I'm just glad we're broken up! 
:'''Mindy''': Not as glad as I am! 
:'''Josh''': Oh, really?! 
:'''Mindy''': REALLY! ''[they make out]''
:'''Josh''': We're still broken up, right?
:'''Mindy''': Definitely.
:''[they continue to make out]''

===Megan's Revenge===
:''[Drake and Josh are in Megan's room]''
:'''Drake''': Now, put Megan's camera back where you found this. Being in her room creeps me out.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, me, too. ''[looks at Megan's hamster]'' Awww. Look at Megan's hamster. He's washing his little face.
:'''Drake''': Look, let's just get out of here.
:'''Josh''': Just wait. This is too cute. I gotta get a picture of him.
:'''Drake''': Well, hurry.
:'''Josh''': Okay! Smile, Hervay. 
:''[Hervay falls down from the camera shot Josh took]''
:'''Drake''': Awww. He's playing dead.
:'''Josh''': I think he really is dead!
:'''Drake''': Oh! That hamster cannot be dead. If that hamster is dead, we're dead because Megan’s gonna kill us!
:'''Josh''': W-W-What can I do about it?
:'''Drake''': I don't know your watch o.r.! Fix him.
:'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' Okay, okay. Um, alright, I need a CBC, uh, a chem seven chest phone.
:'''Drake''': Just give him CPU!
:'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' Alright! ''[takes out Hervay from his cage]'' See what everybody say with me!
:'''Drake''': Okay.
:'''Josh''': ''[blows on Hervay's mouth]'' 1 1,000 , 2 1,000 , 3 1,000 , BREATHE! ''[blows on Hervay's mouth again and tries to pick him up but fails]'' That's it. 10:22, I'm calling it!
:'''Drake''': NO! ''[runs up to Hervay and blows his mouth]'' 
:'''Josh''': ''[gaves Drake backwards]'' HE'S GONE!
:'''Drake''': Josh, Megan is going to kill us!
:'''Josh''': Maybe she won't. Maybe she'll understand.
:'''Drake''': Think about it. Megan does horrible horrible things to us every day for no reason. Now, SHE HAS A REASON!
:'''Josh''': WE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!
:''[Drake quickly puts the camera in her drawer and Josh puts Hervay back in his room as they leave Megan's room fast]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
Drake: Ow! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Megan uses a remote to create a hole on the floor to make Drake and Josh fall to the garage from their bedroom]''
:'''Megan''': Okay, that was good revenge, too. And by the way, you didn't kill Hervay. The camera flash just stunned. He's fine, see? ''[shows Drake and Josh her pet hamster Hervay who is still alive]''
:'''Drake and Josh''': MEGAN!

===Steered Straight===
:'''Josh''': Man, we can't get into the Reptile Room ''[nightclub]''. You have to be over 21.
:'''Drake''': You are, Mr... ''[pulls out fake ID]'' Yakitori!
:'''Josh''': ''[takes fake ID and looks at it]'' What's this?
:'''Drake''': Fake ID, here, check mine out. ''[takes out his own fake ID and gives it to Josh]''
:'''Josh''': ''[reads the name on Drake's fake ID]'' Jefferson Steelflex?
:'''Drake''': ''[laughs]'' Yeah, made it up.
:'''Josh''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, REALLY! So you're suggesting that we use fake IDs to get into a nightclub posing as... ''[reads the names on the IDs again]'' Jefferson Steelflex and Alvin Yakitori?
:'''Drake''': Yep. And, hey, we gotta be there before 10:30 because I'm pretty sure...
:'''Josh''': It's illegal to use fake IDs!
:'''Drake''': Yeah, well, it's illegal to rob banks, but people do it!
:'''Josh''': Yes, people who are BANK ROBBERS!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[after Blaze has gone]''
:'''Josh''': Are you CRAZY?! What if Mom, Dad or Megan are downstairs?
:'''Drake''': Look, both of the cars are gone, alright? So nobody's home.
:'''Josh''': Good. Oh, quick. Quick, let's call the cops before he comes back.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, right, right, right, right.
:'''Josh''': Okay.
:'''Drake''': Uh...
:'''Josh''': Uh, alright. ''[pushes the phone with his head and he and Drake struggle to call the police]'' Alright, work together. Teamwork.
:'''Drake''': Okay.
:'''Josh''': Teamwork.
:'''Drake''': Alright.
:'''Josh''': To the left.
:'''Drake''': Ow!
:'''Josh''': To the--
:'''Drake''': Grab it.
:'''Josh''': Alright. ''[the phone slides away from him and Drake]'' Teamworking.
:'''Drake''': Grab it. Alright, press the 9, man.
:'''Josh''': Oh, this isn't gonna work.
:'''Drake''': Alright. Fine, fine, here. ''[puts it behind him]'' I'll hold it behind my back, you dial it with your nose.
:'''Josh''': I'm not sticking my nose down there.
:'''Drake''': Would you rather take your chances with a vicious criminal?
:'''Josh''': I think so.
:'''Drake''': Oh, just dial the number.
:'''Josh''': Alright. ''[presses the 9 button with his nose]'' 9. ''[then the 1 button]'' 1. 
:''[sneezes on the phone and Drake lets go of it]''
:'''Drake''': Aw, man. You sneezed on my palm.
:'''Josh''': It is allergy season. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:'''Criminal''': It's some goofy-looking dude in a really bad shirt. 
:'''Drake and Josh''': Dad.

===Megan's First Kiss=== 
:'''Josh''': Thanks for the tip, dad! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:'''Megan''': Um, what are you doing this Saturday night?
:'''Drake''': Going to a concert at the Mega Dome.
:'''Josh''': Why?
:'''Drake''': 'Cause we bought tickets.
:'''Josh''': ''[to Drake]'' Not you! ''[to Megan]'' Why do you wanna know what we're doing Saturday night?
:'''Megan''': I don't care what you're doing.
:'''Drake''': But you just asked us.
:'''Megan''': Or, maybe you, just asked yourselves! Yeah. Think about that... ''[Megan leaves the room smiling]''
:'''Drake''': Okay I wanna know what her deal is!
:'''Josh''': Yeah, yeah, yeah she's up to something!
:'''Drake''': Yeah, first she hangs up the phone, pretends to not be talking to anybody.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, and she measures our necks and asks of our social plans.
:'''Drake''': Wait, she said we asked ourselves about that.
:'''Josh''': Really, you're not a smart boy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake and Josh walk into the Premiere disguised as Jews]''
:'''Drake''': Okay, all I'm saying is, the next time we need disguises, I'm getting them!
:'''Josh''': I told you, the costume shop was closed, the temple was open! And these are good disguises.
:'''Drake''': I don't even know what accent to talk with. 
:'''Josh''': Doesn't matter, just sound foreign.
:'''Helen''': Can I help you gentlemen find something?
:'''Josh''': ''[Irish accent]'' Top of the mornin to ya, how are ya? Potata!
:'''Helen''': Potato?
:'''Drake''': ''[Irish accent]'' Come along, Pontiac.
:'''Josh''': Yes, let's go observe the mulberry bush!
:'''Drake''': Pip pip da doodly-doo!
:'''Helen''': Pip pip da doodly-doo! I'm gonna start sayin that. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Megan''': I love you guys.

===The Battle of Panthatar===
:''[Opening comments: Drake and Josh ask themselves random questions]''
:'''Drake''': Hello, what's your name?
:'''Josh''': Hi! Who are you?
:'''Drake''': What is your favorite thing to eat?
:'''Josh''': What games do you like to play?
:'''Drake and Josh''': Me, too!
:'''Drake''': Hey, do you like me?
:'''Josh''': Do you wanna be my friend?
:'''Drake''': Aw, thank you!
:'''Josh''': ... What is that supposed to mean?
:'''Drake''': You think I'm handsome? What a special thing to say!
:'''Josh''': What? Who are you calling a dork? Hey hey hey hey! Go fetch your mother! Yeah I'm talking to you!
:'''Drake''': A present? For me?
:'''Josh''': Alright just put your kid right in front of the TV set because I have a few things to say!
:'''Drake''': ''[holding a handed a plate of cookies]'' A plate of cookies? Ohh, yummy!
:'''Josh''': I-I think it's pretty rude to tell a person that he's a --''[boy spits in his eye]''... did you just... you spit in my eye!
:'''Drake''': Mmm... these are my favorite!
:'''Josh''': Ohh, it burns! Aghh! Aghh!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:'''Thornton''': What's up, Nicholas? 

:'''Thronton''': MARIA!!! 
:'''Maria''': Thronton! 
:'''Josh''': Free popcorn??? 

:'''Thronton''': What's the matter with you!? 

:'''Josh''': ''[sobs]'' 
:'''Crazy Steve''': Excuse me! No yelling in the theater area. 
:'''Lady''': Excuse me, where's the ladies' restroom? 
:'''Crazy Steve''': I AM TALKING TO PEOPLE!!! 
:'''Thornton''': UNINVITED!!!! ''[storms away]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:''[Drake enters his and Josh's room]''
:'''Drake''': Hey.
:'''Josh''': Well? Did you go to Thornton's house? Did you apologize?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, I went to Thornton's house, and I apologized.
:'''Josh''': Well, perfect, and?
:'''Drake''': He had his housekeeper kick me out, then he hit me with a broom, and I fell down some brick stairs.
:'''Josh''': ''[groans]'' I really wanted to go to that party. Why do you ruin everything?
:'''Drake''': Don't worry, alright? I'm gonna figure a way to get even with that Thornton.
:'''Josh''': I don't wanna get even. ''[whining]'' I WANNA GO TO THAT BIRTHDAY PARTY!
:'''Drake''': Bro, Thornton hates us.
:'''Josh''': Well, let's make him love us again.
:'''Drake''': I tried.
:'''Josh''': Well, maybe we can... ''[notices Drake's autographed [[The Beatles|Beatles]] ''Abbey Road'' album]'' Hey. Isn't Thornton a huge Beatles fan?
:'''Drake''': Well, yeah, but I don't see what that has to do-- [realizes what Josh means] Oh, no, no. No way. ''[hides it in his arms]'' Don't even think about it.
:'''Josh''': I'm telling you, if we give him that album--
:'''Drake''': Absolutely not.
:'''Josh''': I guarantee you he'll re-invite us.
:'''Drake''': Dude, I love this album more than I love myself.
:'''Josh''': Dude.
:'''Drake''': Okay, but I love this album a lot. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:'''Thornton''': Hey! Drake and Josh are not invited! I want them outta here!

===[[w:Really Big Shrimp|Really Big Shrimp]]===
&lt;small&gt;Note: This episode was an hour long.&lt;/small&gt;
:'''Crazy Steve''': ''[looks at his watch]'' It's time! ''[he steals old man's cane and starts chasing Josh]'' You ate my enchilada!
:'''Josh''': There was no note!
:'''Crazy Steve''': You ate my enchilada!
:'''Josh''': There was no note! 
:'''Crazy Steve''': You ate my enchilada! 
:'''Josh''': I thought we settled this! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Audrey''': ''[hears doorbell; talking about Helen and Lula]'' Walter, they're here.
:'''Walter''': Ooh. ''[walks before the front door]''
:'''Megan''': Dad, are you sure about this?
:'''Walter''': Yes. And we are doing a very nice thing for a sweet old lady. ''[Lula breaks the door in] ''
:'''Lula''': Where's the bathroom?!
:'''Audrey''': Did you just break our door in?!
:'''Lula''': I rang the doorbell, waited 25 seconds, no one answered, what I supposed to do?
:'''Josh''': You could've rang the doorbell, again.
:'''Lula''': ''[to Helen]'' Who's that boy with a big head that looks like a tooth pick with a cantaloupe on top? ''[Megan laughs and Josh give her a furious look]''
:'''Megan''': What, am I going to pretend that wasn't funny?
:'''Helen''': That's Josh, he works with me at the Premeire. ''[introduces everyone else]'' That's Drake, I prefer him. That's Megan, that's Mrs. Parker (Audrey), and this is...''[forgets who Walter is]''
:'''Walter''': Walter!
:'''Lula''': Great, now where's the bathroom?!
:'''Audrey''': Right through that door.
:'''Lula''': Well, thank you for finally giving me that information! ''[walks into bathroom and slams door]''
:'''Audrey''': Is she always so--? 
:'''Helen''': Buh-bye! ''[goes away]''
:'''Megan''': I can't believe that lady is staying in our guest room for a week.
:'''Walter''': No, she's staying in your room.
:'''Megan''': What?!
:'''Audrey''': You'll be staying in the boys' room.
:'''Drake, Josh and Megan''': What?!
:'''Josh''': This is an outrage!
:'''Drake''': What are we gonna stay?
:'''Walter''': ''[to Drake and Josh]'' Your room is huge. The three of you will be fine for a week.
:'''Megan''': Aw, this is horrible.
:'''Walter''': It's not that bad.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Megan''': Fine, I'll tell him. Josh, Molly thinks you're cute.
:'''Megan's Friends''': Eww!
:''[Josh walks out of the room]''
:'''Molly''': Call me!!
:'''Megan's Friends''': Eww!
:''[Josh peeks his head back through the door]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake arrives home]''
:'''Audrey''': Super Bowl's on.
:'''Drake''': I don't care.
:'''Josh''': Come on, the commercial's up in about two minutes. You gotta watch. It's your song.
:'''Drake''': It's not my song. It's horrible bubble-gum pop garbage-y badness. That 50,000,000 people are about to hear. I'll be on the roof.
:'''Josh''': Why?
:'''Drake''': Because you're not there. ''[walks away]''
:'''Josh''': Drake! ''[runs off to Drake]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crazy Steve''': Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in...
:'''Lula''': ''[annoyed]'' I know how to breathe!
:'''Crazy Steve''': ''[screaming]'' '''''JUST DO WHAT I SAY!'''''
:'''Lula''': ''[scared]'' Okay. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mindy''': ''[Yells after Crazy Steve goes insane]'' Help! Crazy Steve's gone berserk! 
:'''Josh &amp; Helen''': Crazy Steve!? 
:'''Mindy''': WHO ELSE!? 
:'''Josh''': But it's Monday, you can't schedule Crazy Steve to work on a Monday! 
:'''Helen''': Monday's his bad day! 
:'''Mindy''': Well, no one TOLD me that!!! 
:'''Crazy Steve''': ''[waving nutted shoes]'' CUCKADOODLEDOO, THE COW SAYS MOO!!! 

I want the shrimp.

===Helicopter=== 
:'''Vince''': That's S.P.L.A.T.. 
:'''Drake''': That's spelled splat. 
:'''Vince''': Oh, man. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:''[Drake and Josh try to wake up Vince]''
:'''Josh''': Hey, hey. He's awake.
:'''Drake''': You're awake!
:'''Vince''': ''[wakes up]'' Oh, what happened? How long I been out?
:'''Drake''': About 10 minutes. 
:'''Vince''': Oh, I remember. You clowns were fighting over this parachute. ''[holds his head]'' Oh, what'd I hit my head on?
:'''Josh''': This fire extinguisher.
:'''Vince''': Oh.
:'''Josh''': See, I'm pretty sure you hit your head right on this lever-- ''[he accidentally sprays Vince with a fire extinguisher and Vince screams outside after he pranked him]''
:'''Drake''': ''[angrily]'' Do you know what you just did?!
:'''Josh''': ''[worried]'' I extinguished our pilot?
:'''Drake''': ''[angrily]'' No, he has a parachute! You've extinguished us!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Vince angrily arrives at Drake and Josh's house after Drake and Josh blasted him out of the helicopter]''
:'''Vince''': You blasted me out of my own helicopter.
:'''Drake &amp; Josh''': Wha-- shh!
:'''Drake''': Not in front of our parents.
:'''Audrey''': Who is it?
:'''Drake &amp; Josh''': Uh--
:'''Drake''': Some, crazy, guy.
:''[Josh whistles]''
:'''Walter''': ''[to Audrey]'' I'll handle this. ''[he walks over to Vince]'' How can I help you?
:'''Vince''': Are you their father?
:'''Walter''': Yes. ''[Vince angrily gives him a bill]'' What's this?
:'''Vince''': ''[angrily]'' A bill. That's how much you owe me for my new helicopter.
:'''Walter''': What? ''[looks at the bill Vince gave him how much he needs to pay for his helicopter]'' '''''$400,000?!'''''
:''[Audrey and Megan are both shocked]''
:'''Drake''': ''[as Walter]'' Boys, you're both grounded.
:'''Josh''': But, Dad--
:'''Drake''': ''[as Walter]'' Grounded, two weeks.
:'''Josh''': But it wasn't our fault!
:'''Drake''': ''[as Walter]'' Upstairs.
:'''Josh''': ''[defeated]'' Yes, sir.
:'''Drake''': Night.
:'''Josh''': Night.
:''[knowing the consequences, Drake and Josh ground themselves for two weeks as the episode ends]''

===Dance Contest===
:'''Eric''': So, uh, Josh, thanks for throwing me this... great party.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, this is quite a party. Hope the neighbors don't call the cops on us.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:'''Stage director''': STOP IT! ''[multiple times]'' Perhaps, you ladies didn't read the rules: you fight, you're out! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Drake and Josh''': ''[last lines]'' Who is she?

==External links==

{{wikipedia|Drake &amp; Josh}}

[[Category:Drake &amp; Josh seasons]]
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3153658</id>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-11T20:21:10Z</timestamp>
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      <comment>/* Megan's Revenge */</comment>
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      <text bytes="58235" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
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:'''Seasons:'''  [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 1|1]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 2|2]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 3|3]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 4|4]] | [[Drake &amp; Josh|Main]]
----
'''''[[w:Drake &amp; Josh|Drake &amp; Josh]]''''' is an American television sitcom created by Dan Schneider for Nickelodeon. The series follows the lives of two teenage boys with opposite personalities, Drake Parker (Drake Bell) and Josh Nichols (Josh Peck), who are stepbrothers.

===Josh Runs Into Oprah===
:''[Megan opens up Josh's birthday cake]''
:'''Josh''': You made me a birthday cake?
:'''Megan''': Uh-huh. Mom gave me the recipe. I think it turned out pretty good. There.
:'''Josh''': Wow! This is really full of poison, isn't it?
:'''Megan''': No!
:'''Josh''': No, what then, huh, huh, huh, hot sauce some kind of extreme laxident?
:'''Megan''': Oh, c'mon! I wouldn't let you eat a cake that make you sick on your birthday.
:'''Josh''': I'm sorry.
:'''Megan''': It's okay. Make a wish. ''[Josh blows out the birthday candles from his cake as it exploded and he turns around to Megan as he had cake pieces on his face when she pranked him]'' I didn't say it wouldn't explode!
:'''Josh''': I don't blame you so much for doing it, as I blame myself for not anticipating it.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:'''Drake''': Hey, WATCH IT, WATCH IT!!! ''[Josh screams]'' 
:''[Oprah screams as they accidentally hit her and she jumps onto the front of their car and slides off, much to Josh's horror]'' 
:'''Woman''': OPRAH!!! Oh, my god! Oprah! Somebody call for help! 
:'''Josh''': I RAN OVER OPRAH!!! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Josh angrily comes home from the hospital after Drake pranked the whole hospital thinking Josh has a virus, which in return, causes him to get a chemical bath]''
:'''Drake''': Hey, man.
:'''Josh''': ''HEY, MAN''?!
:'''Drake''': Hey... man?
:'''Josh''': You left me at hospital to be chemicaLY bathed!
:'''Drake''': Oh, yeah, how'd it go?
:'''Josh''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, actually, it was quite soothing especially the part where they...OH, IT WAS HORRIBLE!!
:'''Drake''': Kay, what up with the 'tude?
:'''Josh''': D'you know what its like to get an involuntry chemical bath? it stings...''EVERYWHERE''!
:'''Drake''': Alright, look. Tell you what, I'm going to make up to you, okay?
:'''Josh''': No. Okay, no you're not, because that's when the badness happens. The only time you do anything nice to me is after you caused me some kind of physical damage or emotional distress! You are never going to make up anything to me ever again!
:'''Drake''': Wait, do these sound okay to you? ''[Drake plays his Bongos for Josh to try to cheer him up, but Josh rips the taped up Bongos then leaves]'' Would you bring me the hot glue gun?
:'''Josh''': NOT REALLY! ''[slams the door]''

===Vicious Tiberius===
:''[Drake and Josh found out that their dad did not answer the phone because he was working out at home singing]''
:'''Drake''': Well?
:'''Josh''': No answer.
:'''Drake''': You probably dialed the wrong number. Let me see it--
:'''Josh''': No, I think I know our own number.
:'''Drake''': Dude, just let me try-- ''[he and Josh both fight with Josh's phone and it lands in the toilet]'' Nice! ''[sees Josh's phone in the toilet]''
:'''Josh''': It's your fault. Go get it.
:'''Drake''': I'm not putting my hand in there! That's where Mrs. Hayfer pees!
:'''Josh''': Probably doesn't even work anymore.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, well, let's see. ''[flushes Josh's phone away]'' It still works.
:'''Josh''': I knew the toilet still worked, Drake. I MEANT MY PHONE!
:'''Drake''': Oh, well, that's gone.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Megan''': ''[offscreen]'' Hello? Anybody home?
:'''Josh''': Who's that?
:'''Drake''': It sounds like Megan.
:'''Megan''': ''[offscreen]'' Drake? Josh?
:'''Josh''': That ''is'' Megan, how does she know? Oh, no, she's outside with Tiberius!
:'''Drake''': Oh, he'll eat her alive!
:'''Josh''': C'mon! ''[tries to open the door but Drake puts his foot on the door]'' Dude!
:'''Drake''': ''[blocks the door]'' Well, just 'cause she gets eaten, doesn't mean we have to.
:'''Josh''': That's our little sister out there, we've gotta help her!
:'''Drake''': Alright.
:'''Josh''': C'mon. ''[he and Drake come out of the bathroom and see Megan in the living room to reveal that Tiberius is behaving as he loud whispers]'' Megan! Run!
:'''Megan''': I don't wanna run.
:'''Drake''': ''[loud whisper]'' But he's vicious.
:'''Megan''': Yeah, he's real vicious. Ooh, down, boy. You're so scary.
:''[Drake and Josh walk by to her]''
:'''Josh''': I don't get it. Well, he's all calm.
:'''Drake''': Evil dog, evil girl. Makes perfect sense.
:'''Megan''': Where have you two been? You were supposed to pick me up two hours ago.
:'''Josh''': How'd you know we were here?
:'''Megan''': Dad said you were stopping here and then picking me up, which you didn't.
:'''Josh''': We couldn't.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, we were trapped here by this demon dog.
:'''Megan''': What're you talking about?
:'''Josh''': When you're not around, he goes all berserk and tries to kill us.
:'''Megan''': Really?
:'''Drake and Josh''': Yeah/Uh-huh.
:'''Megan''': ''[satisfied]'' See ya.
:''[after Megan leaves the house, Tiberius traps Drake and Josh in the bathroom again]''

===The Wedding===
:''[Opening comments: Drake and Josh talk about how unpleasant their great aunt Catherine is and both are in agreement that she is quite unpleasant]''
:'''Josh''': So, me and Drake have this Great Aunt Catherine.
:'''Drake''': Have you ever met my Great Aunt Catherine? No? Well, hey. Lucky you.
:'''Josh''': She's almost 90 years old.
:'''Drake''': She's like 90,000 years old.
:'''Josh''': She's not nice!
:'''Drake''': She is mean. ''[gets closer to the viewers]'' Mean to the ''bone''!
:'''Josh''': Something's not right about Aunt Catherine.
:'''Drake''': She collects hair... from people she doesn't even know well!
:'''Josh''': Oh, and get this.
:'''Drake and Josh''': Aunt Catherine's getting married!
:'''Josh''': I mean, who wants to get married at 89 years old?
:'''Drake''': You know, Josh and I disagree on a lot of stuff, but I bet he hates Aunt Catherine just as much as I do.
:'''Josh''': I wonder if Drake hates Aunt Catherine as much as I do. ''[turns to Drake]'' Do ya?
:'''Drake''': Totally.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Josh''': Why are you in such a hurry?
:'''Drake''': 'Cause I want Aunt Catherine's beach house, bad.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, so do I.
:'''Drake''': Well, we can't be late for the wedding, and we have to pick up the cake.
:'''Josh''': Dude, we got plenty of time, alright? Just as long as we get to the bakery before... ''[notices his laptop case gone]'' Hey, have you seen my laptop case? I thought I left it right here.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, I gave it to Craig and Eric.
:'''Josh''': You... You what?!
:'''Drake''': They told me you said it was cool.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, I said it was cool for 'em to borrow my computer, but why'd you give them the whole case? It had my cell phone in it and my keys to Mom's SUV! Now we have no car!
:'''Drake''': Well, I'll just call Craig and Eric and tell them to come back.
:'''Josh''': No, we can't. They don't have cell phones.
:'''Drake''': Why?
:'''Josh''': 'Cause Papa Nichols threw Eric's against the wall and broke it, and Craig's mom thinks cell phones cause ear sores!
:'''Drake''': Craig does get a lot of ear sores.
:'''Josh''': Look, we cannot be late to this wedding!
:'''Drake''': Right, okay, um... Trevor!
:'''Josh''': What about Trevor?
:'''Drake''': We'll borrow his car.
:'''Josh''': His girlfriend sleeps in it.
:'''Drake''': No, they broke up. She sleeps in some other guy's car now.
:'''Josh''': I don't wanna go to a wedding in Trevor's El Camino, it's old and gross.
:'''Drake''': So is Aunt Catherine.
:'''Josh''': Drake, if we--
:'''Drake''': Look, it runs, and the wedding cake will fit in the back. And the most important thing is it'll get us there on time. ''[starts calling Trevor on the phone]'' 

===Mindy Loves Josh===
:'''Josh''': What do you want?
:'''Megan''': There's a couple of guys outside stealing  your bike.
:'''Josh''': Oh I just moved the chain, HANDS OFF MY RIDE! ''[runs outside]'' Hey!
:'''Mindy''': Maybe, I should have call the police.
:'''Megan''': Nah, no ones stealing his bike.
:'''Mindy''': What did you tell him that for? You got him all upset for nothing.
:'''Megan''': Yeah. 

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
Megan: What are you eating? 
Drake: Big cookie. 

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
Josh: Mindy, I am in the process of becoming a woman, so I worried… 
Drake: JOSH!!! OH, MY GOD, JOSH!!!! 
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Megan comes inside Drake and Josh's room and tells Drake her truth after making his hands green (when she saw Drake eating her cookie)]''
:'''Drake''': Oh, it's you. Close the door!
:'''Megan''': ''[closes the door and walks up to Drake]'' What's going on?
:'''Drake''': Swear not to tell mom and dad?
:'''Megan''': Swear.
:'''Drake''': Well, I've have this rare skin disease called dermatameculitis.
:'''Megan''': ''[gasps]'' Oh my god! Are you okay?
:'''Drake''': I will be. See, I read online that you can cure it by soaking in zipholic acid which is in lizard pee.
:'''Megan''': Or you know there is another cure.
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Megan''': Next time, don't eat my big cookie.
:'''Drake''': What are you saying?
:'''Megan''': I tricked you into thinking you have a rare skin disease by dying your hands and feet green while you slept and that you were stupid enough to actually fall for it and stick your hands and feet in buckets in lizard pee. That what I'm saying.
:'''Drake''': Megan!
:'''Megan''': You have a little somethin' on your upper lip.
:''[Drake touches his upper lip with his green hand and suffers from it as Megan leaves his and Josh's room]''
:'''Drake''': Wait!
:'''Megan''': What?
:'''Drake''': Is it gone?
:''[Megan leaves the room]''

===Who's Got Game?===
:'''Carly''': ''[walks up to Drake]'' Help you find something?
:'''Drake''': Oh no, I got- ''[turns to see her]'' No, I got it.
:'''Carly''': Sparks, nice. Yes, I saw them live last week at &quot;The Phyton&quot;.
:'''Drake''': No way, I was there.
:'''Carly''': Oh, yeah, you were that guy in the crowd listening.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, that was me!
:'''Carly''': I was kidding.
:'''Drake''': Me, too.
:'''Carly''': Come on, I'll ring you up.
:'''Drake''': Okay.
:''[they both walk up to the cashier's desk]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Josh''': ''[walks up to Drake]'' Well, while you keep kissing your new girlfriend, I'm going to go back home and move my special pillow onto your bed.
:'''Drake''': What? ''[turns around to Josh]''
:'''Josh''': Well, I've had 22 dates this you week and you've only had one.
:'''Drake''': Okay, yeah. I guess you get my bed. Alright, you win.
:'''Josh''': I win? I GOT MORE GIRLS THAN DRAKE!! ''[laughs]'' JOSH NICHOLS IS NO LONGER A LITTLE CATERPILLAR, AH, HE IS A BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY!! ''[flaps wings for a while then stops out of embarrassment]'' See you guys at home. ''[walks away]''

===The Great Doheny===
:'''Josh''': Uh, Megan. This is Henry Doheny. I'm gonna go make him a sandwich with some crinko cup fries and you keep him company. ''[runs off to make Doheny his sandwich]''
:'''Megan''': Henry Doheny. Didn't you use to be like a really famous magician?
:'''Henry Doheny''': Hmmm. ''[pretends to think]''  Why don't you, reach into, ''[points to trash can and Megan looks at it]'' that decorative trash can and tell me.
:'''Megan''': ''[looks at him, searches through the trash-can, picks out old papers than a bunny, and gasps]'' A bunny!
:'''Henry Doheny''': Her name is Cookie, if you hold her close, she'll lick your nose.
:'''Megan''': ''[puts Cookie to her face and Cookie begins to lick her as she laughs]'' Oh my god, this is the cutest bunny I've ever seen! Can I keep her?
:'''Henry Doheny''': I insist!
:'''Megan''': Thanks! ''[goes to her room, admiring Cookie]''
:'''Henry Doheny''': ''[To Drake]'' Pick a card!
:'''Drake''': ''[picks a card]'' Now what?
:'''Henry Doheny''': Now, put it back. ''[Drake gives the card back and he takes the deck into his jacket]''
:'''Drake''': ''[looks at Doheny with a weird gaze]'' What's my card?
:'''Henry Doheny''': Cough. ''[Drake coughs out a card]'' Open it. ''[Drake does so and Doheny isn't even looking]'' Is that your card?
:'''Drake''': Yeah. Please do me a favor and don't make things come outta my body.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Walter''': ''[looking himself in the mirror after Doheny made him bald]'' Ahh! Check me out! I'm bald. ''[leaving the room]'' Honey, Mr. Doheny made me bald!

===I Love Sushi===
:'''Josh''': ''[presses record button on video camera remote for filming contest entry video]'' Dear pump my room, this is our living room.
:'''Drake''': A room, in which we live. 
:'''Josh''': Um, we really wish we'd win this makeover.
:'''Drake''': But not for us.
:'''Josh''': For our parents.
:'''Drake''': We call them, &quot;Mom and Dad&quot;.
:'''Josh''': You see, my dad married his mom almost five years ago.
:'''Drake''': I am still in shock.
:'''Josh''': And soon, it'll be their fifth anniversary.
:'''Drake''': ''[sheepishly]'' Still in shock.
:'''Josh''': Now, we can't afford to buy them anything fancy.
:'''Drake''': So we pray that you wonderful people at Pump my Room choose us.
:'''Josh''': Eh, our parents.
:'''Drake''': For the special gift, of a room makeover. ''[desperately]'' Please.
:'''Josh''': ''[desperately]'' Please. ''[Drake and Josh both embrace each other, drake grabs for the remote to end the video recording]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Josh''': Okay, mom and dad. Here it comes.
:'''Drake''': Who's ready to go inside?
:'''Audrey''': What is up with you guys?
:'''Walter''': Yeah, you kept us out all day driving all over the city.
:'''Drake''': Get ready. ''[he opens the door as he, Josh, Walter, and Audrey come inside the house]''
:'''Drake and Josh''': HAPPY ANNIVERS- ''[they turn on the lights to reveal that the furniture in the living room has been stolen]'' -''[lamely]'' sery.
:'''Walter''': Drake?
:'''Audrey''': Josh!
:'''Walter''': Where's our stuff?
:'''Josh''': We've been robbed!
:'''Drake''': ''[curious]'' Surprise!
:''[Walter and Audrey both get shocked after all of the furniture from the living room disappeared]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Drake Parker. Josh Nichols. ''[Drake and Josh come in Mr. Nadel's office]'' What do you want?
:'''Josh''': We understand that you give people temporary jobs?
:'''Mr. Nadel''': So?
:'''Josh''': And we'd like one.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': And I'd like to meet with another woman who doesn't change her phone number after the first date.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, well good luck with that.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Ok, what are your skills?
:'''Drake''': I play guitar and date girls.
:'''Josh''': Well, I'm an honor student. I'm pretty good with magic tricks, I can cook. Oh, in the 5th grade I was vote most polite child-
:'''Mr. Nadel''': ''[yells]'' NO! THAT'S ENOUGH! ''[in a normal voice]'' Well, let's see, I've got men's room attendant, ditch digger, or you could clean up after elephants at the zoo?
:'''Drake''': Wow, they all sound so wonderful.
:'''Josh''': Do you gave any jobs that are, you know... not repulsive?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, and we want one that pays a lot.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Sure, and I wanna meet a woman who doesn't change her phone number after the first date.
:'''Josh''': You already said that.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': ''[yelling]'' WELL IT HAPPENS EVERY TIME! I MEAN WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!
:'''Drake''': We just want jobs.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Alright look, I got two jobs working the line at a fish factory. Not glamorous enough for you?
:'''Josh''': Well, what would we have to do?
:'''Mr. Nadel''': You'd be assembling packages of sushi for distribution to local supermarkets. Pays 18 bucks an hour. Each.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, we'll take it.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Good. Happy. Happy. Here's the address. Be there Saturday morning 8:00.
:'''Drake:''' 8:00?
:'''Josh''': We'll be there.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Yeah, yeah.
:''[Drake and Josh leave Mr. Nadel's office; Nadel types in numbers on his phone from a piece of paper]''
:'''Phone''': The number you have reached has been disconnected
:'''Mr. Nadel''': ''[bangs on desk]'' EVERY TIME! Stupid lotion! ''[knocks a bottle of lotion on the floor]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': Look man, we tried our best I can't think of anything else...
:''[Drake and Josh realize they're sitting on the couch and feel it to make sure they're not dreaming Josh looks around and sees everything back in the living room]''
:'''Josh''': The Furniture's back!
:'''Drake''': We did it!
:'''Josh''': We didn't do anything!
:'''Audrey''': Howdy, boys.
:'''Walter''': Surprised?
:'''Josh''': Yeah! How'd you get our furniture back?
:'''Audrey''': The police found the robbers moving van.
:'''Walter''': It was broken down about a half a mile up the street.
:'''Drake''': And they found everything?
:'''Walter''': Yep.
:'''Audrey''': It's all here. ''[smells rotten stench on Drake and Josh]'' Do I smell rotting sushi?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, it's a long story.
:'''Josh''': Uh see we...
:'''Walter''': ''[cuts Josh off at mid sentence]'' We don't want to know.

===The Storm===
:''[Drake hits Eric in the chest and notices Lucy]''
:'''Eric''': Ow.
:'''Drake''': That's Lucy, my ex-girlfriend. Josh invited my ex-girlfriend?
:'''Eric''': Well, yeah. When we were going over the gas list, Josh said you and Lucy were still friends.
:'''Drake''': Well, we are, but I invited Carly. I can't have my current girlfriend and my ex-girlfriend at the same party. You want the universe to explode? Man, what am I gonna--? ''[hits Eric in the chest again and notices Christine]'' 
:'''Eric''': Ow!
:'''Drake''': Christine? How many of my ex-girlfriends are here?
:'''Eric''': Just those two. I hope. Or else I'm gonna need chest replacement surgery!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': ''[after being on the phone with Josh]'' That was Josh.
:'''Julio''': They cancelled the concert?
:'''Drake''': The whole stage is underwater.
:'''Gary''': My uncle's got a boat!
:'''Drake''': That's great, Gary. Why don't ya climb into your uncle's boat and SAIL OFF TO MORON ISLAND?!!! 

&lt;hr width=“50%”&gt; 
Crazy Steve: C’MON, DORA!!!

===My Dinner with Bobo===
:''[Drake and Josh and Megan get a car]''
:'''Megan''': ''[looking at a car with tattooed flowers]'' Oh my god! I love this car! Let's buy this one!
:'''Drake''': Shall we harmonize?
:'''Josh''': Let's.
:'''Drake and Josh''': ''[singing]'' No!
:'''Megan''': Dad said I can help pick out the car.
:'''Drake''': Uh yes. And thank you for helping us decide we're not getting this one.
:'''Megan''': Don't push me.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': ''[appears and gets out of his cart]'' Well now, let me guess! You folks are looking for a car.
:'''Josh''': Hey, you're Stan the Car Man.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': The very same.
:'''Josh''': I know, I love your commercials. You need a car, you need a truck, you need a van! Come see Stan the Car Man!
:'''Drake''': Who sells trucks and vans.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': I don't like it when people imitate me.
:'''Josh''': I'm sorry.
:'''Drake''': I'm also sorry. ''[points at a monkey]'' Hey, Bobo! Aw, I love this guy! ''[picks up Bobo]''
:'''Stan the Car Man''': He seems to have taken a liking to you too!
:'''Drake''': Aw, he's awesome.
:'''Megan''': Yeah, maybe he can tutor you in math.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': How much were you boys hoping to spend in this vehicle?
:'''Drake''': About $2400.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': $2400. About what car did you had in mind?
:'''Josh''': Something safe.
:'''Drake''': Something fast.
:'''Josh''': Gets good mileage.
:'''Drake''': It's gotta have satellite radio.
:'''Josh''': Heated seats would be nice.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': Huh?
:'''Josh''': I get cold down there.
:'''Megan''': Look! No one is interested in your butt temperature problems.
:'''Josh''': Dr. Fish bum is.
:'''Drake''': Look, can you just show us something we can afford?
:'''Stan the Car Man''': Well, I surely can. Right over there!
:'''Josh''': Alright.
:'''Drake''': Come on. ''[he and Josh walk away]''
:'''Stan the Car Man''': Butt temperature problems?
:'''Megan''': He's a mess. ''[she and Stan the Car Man walk away too]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake and Josh come inside Dr. Favershim's apartment to rescue Bobo]''
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Come in.
:'''Drake''': We are in.
:'''Josh''': Yeah. And we want Bobo back.
:'''Dr. Favershim''': I'm sorry, we had a deal. $10,000 for your delicious friends.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, well deal's off.
:'''Josh''': So just take your check back and give us Bobo.
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Are you sure?
:'''Josh''': Absolutely.
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Very well, Bobo is in the back of the closet right over there. You may fetch him.
:'''Josh''': Back of the closet?
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Good.
:'''Josh''': Come on dude, let's go get him.
:'''Drake''': Whoa? Is he in here?
:'''Josh''': Perhaps.
:'''Drake''': In the coat, where is he?
:''[when Dr. Favershim locked Drake and Josh in the closet so he could eat Bobo, Drake and Josh yell inside the closet in order to get out after Dr. Favershim pranked them]''
:'''Dr. Favershim''': I'm sorry boys, but I can't let you interfere with my dinner plans. ''[takes off the curtain off of Bobo's cage]'' Hello, little friend. I hope you have good taste.
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' You open the door or we're gonna call the cops!
:'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' Yeah, we have a cellphone in here!
:'''Dr. Favershim''': You have no cellphone.
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Do too!
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Prove it.
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' How?
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Play me a ringtone.
:''[Josh plays a ringtone on his phone from the closet]''
:'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' See? I told ya we got a cellphone!
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Does it have Bluetooth?
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' What?!?!
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Your cellphone, does it have Bluetooth?
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Ya, dude it has Bluetooth.
:'''Dr. Favershim''': I don't believe you. Show me.
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Fine! Open the door! ''[Dr. Favershim opens door]'' See, Bluetooth! Ha, ha! ''[Dr. Favershim pushes Josh back in the closet, takes his phone, and locks the door again]'' What?! Oh, man!
:'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' Oh, nice goin', Bluetooth!
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Don't start with me! ''[Josh slaps Drake off-screen]''
:'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' Ow!
:''[Dr. Favershim cuts slices of a carrot and takes a bite and walks up to Bobo to eat a piece, too]'' 

===Tree House===
:''[Drake and Josh are trapped inside Robbie's treehouse when they're trying to rebuild it]''
:'''Josh''': Drake…? 
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Josh''': Where's the door hole?
:'''Drake''': It goes right there, see? I drew it with a magic marker.
:'''Josh''': You were supposed to cut it out with the power saw!
:'''Drake''': Dude, I'm gonna!
:'''Josh''': Oh, really?
:'''Drake''': Yes!
:'''Josh''': So go get the power saw.
:'''Drake''': Okay, I will! ''[tries to walk through the wall where the painted door is]'' I see the problem…. 
:'''Josh''': Oh, do ya?!

&lt;hr width=50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Megan refuses to let Drake and Josh out of the Robbie's tree house because she is angry that they made her miss her friend Janie's birthday party]''
:'''Megan''': ''[walks to Drake with a snow cone]'' Hey boob.
:'''Drake''': Where you've been?
:'''Megan''': I told you I was about to get a snow cone.
:'''Drake''': Okay, well now that you have one, can you please hand up the power saw so we can get out of here?
:'''Megan''': Let me think, no!
:'''Drake''': Listen to me! You make us miss our dates with those two hot identical twins. I swear- ''[Josh grabs him]''
:'''Josh''': Hey!
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Josh''': We don't need that power saw!
:'''Drake''': Then how are we gonna get out of here?
:'''Josh''': ''[grabs the power screwdriver]'' Power screwdriver! We just need to unscrew one of these walls and boom we are out!
:'''Drake''': Do it brother!
:'''Josh''': Okay. ''[he power screws the door but realized it's dead]'' Set this baby to reverse.
:'''Drake''': Why'd it stop?
:'''Josh''': I don't know. The screwdriver- ''[looks outside the window thinking that Megan unplugged it]'' MEGAN!
:'''Megan''': ''[satisfied; after she unplugged the power screwdriver]'' Yes, can I help you? 

===Josh is Done===
:'''Drake''': C'mon, let's play ping-pong!
:'''Josh''': Alright. I'll play if it'll stop you from yapping.
:'''Drake''': And the battle begins! ''[rings bell]'' Ohh, my worthy opponent. Are you prepared to ping the pong?
:'''Josh''': Wahahaha. I am prepared, young sedgewan. Your pong is no match for my ping!
:'''Drake''': Ahh, do your worst! ''[he and Josh play ping-pong until Josh's paddle flies out of his hand and out the window, to Josh’s horror]'' You have smashed the window of transparency!
:'''Josh''': ''[runs to the broken window]'' Aw, man! Mom and dad are gonna kill me!
:'''Drake''': Oh, probably. Come on, let's finish the game.
:'''Josh''': I don't have a paddle!
:'''Drake''': Oh, there's an extra one downstairs, be back in a sec.
:'''Josh''': We can't be late for this-
:'''Drake''': I'll be back in a few seconds, you can study while I'm gone. ''[gives Josh the book and leaves the room]''
:'''Josh''': I don't think it leaves us enough- ''[opens the book a reads a page]'' What is the atomic weight of beryllium? 9.01. ''[yells]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Josh''': ''[All sweaty from running all the way to class after Drake left him behind, bumps into the door]'' PLEASE! PLEASE, LEMME IN!! I AM SORRY I'M LATE! ''[Drake looks at him from his desk]''
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Opens the door]'' Mr. Nichols, you know the rule. 
:'''Josh''': B-But you don't understand. You see, I was just about to- 
:'''Mr. Roland''': I understand that you are late, and when you're late to my class, you're not welcomed in my class. 
:'''Josh''': Uh, b-but w-what about the exam? 
:'''Mr. Roland''': You will take a make-up exam next Saturday morning at 6AM, and you will be marked down 1 letter grade! 
:'''Josh''': ''[Very upset and despairing]'' Oh, no. No-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh!!! ''[Points at Drake angrily]'' YOU!
:'''Drake''': ''[Defensively]'' What? 
:'''Josh''': ''[Yells and runs in the classroom to attack Drake, only to be held back by the other students, while Drake stares]'' COME HERE! COME HERE, YOU WANNA TUSSLE!? LET'S GO!! LET ME CLOSER!!! 
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[enraged]'' Mr. Nichols! Mr. Nichols, you will leave this classroom NOW! 
:'''Josh''': But- 
:'''Mr. Roland''': NOW! 
:'''Josh''': I- 
:'''Mr. Roland''': NOW! 
:'''Josh''': ''[defeated]'' Now...? ''[Leaves the classroom as Mr. Roland locks the classroom door, as Josh continues trying to plead his case]'' Now, if you would just allow me to explain, OH!!! ''[Mr. Roland yanks down the door window shade]''
:'''Mr. Roland''': As I was saying, you will have 55 minutes to complete your exams. ''[Mr. Roland walks over to the classroom windows to close the blinds as Josh from outside still tries to plead his case.]'' You will use a #2 pencil.
:'''Josh''': ''[Sobbing]'' Your so hard! 
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Closes first blind]'' Not #1, not #3.
:'''Josh''': ''[Still sobbing]'' So unbelievably hard!
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Closes second blind]'' If you have any questions during the exams, don’t ask them!
:'''Josh''': ''[Still sobbing]'' I really do, I give everything a hundred…
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Closes last blind]'' I want silence in this classroom! Silence, is golden.
:'''Josh''': ''[Freaks out]'' Nooo! Nah! Nah! Nah! Nah!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Drake''': ''[Gets home after the exam (which he failed most likely) and takes Robbie's sit-n-bounce just to get Josh over his rage, still not caring about making him late earlier despite wanting to have fun together]'' Hey, Josh. What goes on? 
:'''Josh''': Just readin' my book. 
:'''Drake''': ''[signs]'' Look, I'm sorry about this morning. You know, but Kat called and wanted to make out, and, you know, Kat. 
:'''Josh''': ''[Knowing that Drake's apology is fake]'' Yes, yes. She's very pretty. 
:'''Drake''': Alright, you're still mad. But you won't be for long, 'cause I got you your very own sit-n-bounce! ''[Josh says nothing]'' Sit-n-bounce!  
:'''Josh''': No, thanks. 
:'''Megan''': Doesn't that kid Robbie next door have a sit-n-bounce just like that? 
:'''Drake''': No! No. And, c'mon, have you ever sat and bounced before? You can't be upset when you're sittin' and bouncin'. ''[plays with it. Josh closes his book and gets up, Drake bounces in front of him]'' 
:'''Josh''': Would you please move?
:'''Drake''': ''[stop bouncing]'' Look, dude, I said I was sorry.
:'''Josh''': Oh, I heard you.
:'''Drake''': Well, stop being mad at me.
:'''Josh''': I'm not mad at you. I'm done.
:'''Drake''': What's that supposed to mean?
:'''Josh''': I don't want anything to do with you anymore.
:'''Drake''': So what, are you gonna move out?
:'''Josh''': No, this is a house where I live, and I guess we'll be roommates until the day I leave for college. But that's all we'll be, is roommates. I'm done with you. ''[walks away, leaving Drake concerned]'' 
:'''Megan''': Whoa! 
:'''Drake''': What? 
:'''Megan''': You really did it this time. 
:'''Drake''': Oh, c'mon, ya know how many times Josh has been ''furious'' with me? Uh, he'll pout for a day or 2, and then he'll get over it. 
:'''Megan''': I dunno, he sounded pretty serious. 
:'''Drake''': Trust me. Alright, I know Josh, and there's no way he's gonna keep this up- 
:'''Robbie''': ''[walks in]'' I knew it! I knew you took my sit-n-bounce! ''[kicks Drake in the leg and takes his sit-n-bounce back]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''[Without Josh, Drake begins suffering bad luck, while Josh's life improves with more good luck than ever, even passing his make-up exam and getting his grade back up]'' 
:'''Drake''': ''[arrives at the Primere ]'' Hello, Josh.
:'''Josh''': Hi, Drake.
:'''Craig''': Why are you all sweaty?
:'''Drake''': I'm all sweaty because I ran out of gas and I had to walk all the way here because SOMEBODY forgot to fill up the car!
:'''Josh''': It's not my responsibility to fill the car with gas.
:'''Drake''': You always fill up the car!
:'''Josh''': Used to, now I put in just enough gas for myself.
:'''Drake''': Well, good! You know, good for you! I DON'T NEED YOUR GAS! And just so you know, I'm gonna go see a movie right now and I don't need a free ticket from you cause mom paid me 10 bucks to get out of the house! So I don't need you for ANYTHING!
:'''Leah''': Movie tickets here are $11.
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Eric''': And popcorn and soda are gonna cost you another 6 or 7.
:'''Drake''': D'oh! You know what? I'm not even gonna buy a ticket, I'm just going in. Right, just going right in! ''[yells at ticket checker employee, he stubbornly walks into theater 7]'' 
:'''Josh''': ''[clears throat, grabs the communicator]'' Security, we have a problem in theater 7: male Caucasian, sweaty, wearing a gray sweatshirt. ''[beeps]'' So what's the difference between a hoagie and a submarine sandwich? 
:'''Steve''': I always thought a hoagie was a hot sandwich, and a submarine could be served hot or cold. 
:'''Craig''': No, I think it's the other way around. 
:'''Eric''': Okay, but what's a grinder? 
:'''Leah''': Same thing as a hoagie. 
:'''Drake''': ''[getting dragged by the security guards]'' Hey! Hey! Let go, let go! Josh, Josh! Tell them to let me go! Josh, Josh! Tell them! Tell them! Look this way, I know this guy, I know this guy. Ask him, ask him. 
:'''Security Guard''': Is this guy a friend of yours? 
:''[pause]''
:'''Josh''': ''[satisfied]'' No, he's not. 
:'''Drake''': ''[frustrated]'' Josh!! Oh. You're gonna regret this, Josh! You need me! YOU NEED ME!!! 
:'''Josh''': So, hoagie and grinder same thing, huh? 
:'''Leah, Steve, Eric, &amp; Craig''': ''[All talking at once in agreement]'' Yes./That's right./Uh-huh./Yeah. 
:'''Steve''': All in the sandwich family.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': ''[After being switched with another lab partner named Clayton, messes up his science experiment, causing green water to flow and spill over his hand]'' Whoa-whoa! Hey-hey! What's happening, what's happening!? Oh-okay-okay-okay! Arms tingling, arms tingling! 
:'''Craig''': Chemical emergency! ''[Turns on the alarm]'' 
:'''Mr. Roland''': Let's get him in the power-shower! ''[Grabs Drake and carries him into the chemical shower, as Josh watches in shock]'' 
:'''Drake''': Hey-hey! Watch it, will you-!? What is this!? ''[Roki shuts the door, Mr. Roland turns on the water]'' What are you, what are you-!? AAA-OOHHHH!!!! ''[Starts yelling as the water stingingly washes off the chemicals]''  
:'''Mr. Roland''': Drake, are you alright? 
:'''Drake''': Hey! What is this water!? Ow! ''[Continues yelling as everybody, including Josh, watches]'' 
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Drake has just been in the chemical shower, turns off the water]'' Drake, you may come out now. ''[Drake comes out, all soaked and groaning]'' Sit down, Drake. ''[Drake ignores him, walks towards the door]'' Drake, sit down!
:'''Drake''': No!
:'''Mr. Roland''': Drake!
:'''Drake''': Josh!
:'''Josh''': What?
:'''Drake''': Look, I'm sorry.
:'''Josh''': Well--
:'''Drake''': Look, let me finish, okay? I was wrong, okay? I was wrong.
:'''Josh''': What d'you mean?
:'''Drake''': I-I need you more than you need me. Uh, I-I need you ''way more'' than you need me, a-alright? I'm sorry. M-Man, I'm sorry I made you late for your exam, and I'm sorry I ran over your bike, and I, uh-- I-I'm sorry, I'm probably the worst brother in the world! And y-you know, you're way better off without me, you know? I just-- I just need you to understand that-- uh, I just-- Sorry, Josh, I'm sorry. ''[tearfully walks out of the classroom, leaving Josh stunned]''
:'''Mr. Roland''': Josh, would you like to go talk to Drake?
:'''Josh''': ''[realizes he has gone a little too far for cutting Drake out of his life, seeing how he learned his lesson the hard way]'' No. No, sir.
:'''Mr. Roland''': Alright. Class, let's get back to our experiments. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[As Drake miserably tries to play ping-pong alone, Josh runs in with a kung fu yell, ready to forgive his brother]''
:'''Josh''': Hoaw! We have unfinished business, young sedgewan. 
:'''Drake''': Josh…. 
:'''Josh''': Wa-cho! You will address me only as Master Mon-googoo. ''[Drake cheers up as Josh picks up his paddle]'' 
:'''Drake''': Your words, they are strong. Uh, but your skills are weak!
:'''Josh''': Your foolishness, young sedgewan, has sealed your fate! 
:'''Drake''': Aw, destiny is mine! ''[They play ping-pong ball together and reconcile again happily as the episode ends]''

===Eric Punches Drake===
:'''Mr. Roland''': Josh, Mindy. The new chemistry books just arrived. They're in my classroom. 
:'''Mindy''': No way! 
:'''Josh''': Oh, come on! 
:'''Craig''': Hey, remember in Dragon to Death when Billy Chang fights Joaquin the Dream?
:'''Eric''': Remember? One does not forget the wo-cho fist of silence. ''[Tries to demonstrate, only to accidentally punch Drake in the eye and knock him out in the process]'' Oh, my god! 
:'''Craig''': Drake, are you alright!? 

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
:'''Josh''': Hey, Craig. 
:'''Craig''': Evenin'. 
:'''Josh''': Where's Eric? 
:'''Craig''': Oh, he didn't wanna come. He was afraid Drake might be mad at him 'cause he punched him in the eye. 
:'''Josh''': He's not mad. Drake, you're not mad, are you? 
:'''Drake''': Nah, I'm not mad. Craig didn't mean to hit me. 
:'''Craig''': I'M Craig! 
:'''Drake''': ''[scoffs]'' It matters. 

&lt;hr width =50%&gt; 
:''[door bell rings]'' 
:'''Josh''': Yo, Drake, get that! 
:'''Drake''': Got it. ''[opens the door and finds Mindy there]'' Oh, is it Halloween already? Aren't you a scary, little witch? 
:'''Mindy''': Oh, look at your black eye. Well, I hope it hurts.
:'''Drake''': You shebeast!
:'''Mindy''': Microbrain!
:'''Drake''': Weirdface!
:'''Mindy''': Ignoramus!
:'''Drake''': ''[beat]'' What?
:'''Mindy''': Exactly! 
:'''Chad''': Hey. 
:'''Mindy''': Oh, hey. 
:'''Chad''': Sorry, I had to park the car at the bottom of the hill. 
:'''Mindy''': Oh, no problem. Step aside. ''[both walk inside. Drake suspects Chad to be Mindy's new boyfriend and goes into the kitchen, while Josh and Craig set up the projector]'' 
:'''Drake''': JOSH! 
:'''Josh''': ''[jumps, accidentally flips the projector]'' Aw, now I gotta reset the white balance! 
:'''Drake''': No, I need to talk to you! ''[to Craig]'' Get out. ''[Craig walks out]'' 
:'''Josh''': What? 
:'''Drake''': Mindy's here.  
:'''Josh''': I know, I invited her. 
:'''Drake''': Did you invite ''him?'' ''[turns Josh's head around towards Chad]''  
:'''Josh''': Who's him? 
:'''Drake''': Her date. 
:'''Josh''': ''[shudders]'' I don't care. 
:'''Drake''': Yes, you do!

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
:'''Drake''': Hey, Clayton. 
:'''Clayton''': ''[mumbling]'' Hi. 
:''[Drake slips his mouth-wash, then takes Clayton's water bottle, spits in it, and gives it back to him (possibly as revenge for Drake's chemical incident in the previous episode), to Clayton's disgust. 3 students walk behind Drake, laughing at him]''
:'''Drake''': Hello? 
:'''Boy''': ''[sees Drake's black eye]'' It's true! 
:'''Drake''': Oh, the black eye? Yeah, a little accident. 
:'''Boy''': That's not what we heard. 
:'''Drake''': And what did you hear? 
:'''Boy''': That you're making fun of Eric's sister. 
:'''Girl''': Hey, Drake. I heard you got punched by a nerd. 
:'''Drake''': IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!!! 

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
:'''Crazy Steve''': Excuse me, Josh. 
:'''Josh''': What!? 
:'''Crazy Steve''': I notice you're stacking that candy in an angry way. 
:'''Josh''': I AM angry! Alright, Mindy's over there with her new boyfriend, rubbing him right in my face. 
:'''Crazy Steve''': I just give this a little squeeze... DON'T DRINK WHILE I'M TALKING!!!! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Craig''': ''[pops up from the trash can]'' Hello.
:'''Drake''': ''[screams]'' Craig?
:'''Craig''': Are you alone?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, I'm alone.
:'''Craig''': Good. ''[holds out a bag of pork rinds]'' Pork rind?
:'''Drake''': Sure. ''[takes a pork rind from the bag and starts eating it]'' So you're the one that sent the blimp?
:'''Craig''': That's right.
:'''Drake''': ''[concerned]'' Why would you wanna take down Eric? He's your best friend.
:'''Craig''': WAS my best friend. Now that Eric's Mr. Popular pants and has a hot girlfriend, he doesn't give a rat's hat about me!
:'''Drake''': Rat's hat?
:'''Craig''': ''[furious]'' He's forgotten that I am the one who's been his best friend since we were 7 years old! THAT I'M THE ONE WHO DRIED HIS TEARS WHEN HIS IGUANA GOT DIABETES! THAT I--  
:'''Drake''': ''[He interrupts Craig]'' OKAY, OKAY, I get it, get it, get it. Just tell me how to stop him.
:'''Craig''': Ok, but first you have to promise me something.
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Craig''': I love to sing.
:'''Drake''': ''[confused, steps aside]'' And?
:'''Craig''': And you are like a professional singer.
:'''Drake''': ''[still confused]'' You wanna sing a song with me?
:'''Craig''': I've wanted this for a long time!
:'''Drake''': Ok, ok, if you help me prove Eric's a liar, you can sing a song with me.
:'''Craig''': Excellent. Now, listen carefully. Eric, is a pacifist.
:'''Drake''': I thought he was Jewish.
:'''Craig''': A pacifist is someone who refuses to fight.
:'''Drake''': Okay...
:'''Craig''': So, if you insult Eric in front of a bunch of people, he won't fight back, and then everyone will know he was lying about standing up to you!
:'''Drake''': Uh-huh!
:'''Craig''': And then he won't be popular anymore which means he'll come crawling back to me! And don't forget our song.
:'''Drake''': I won't forget the song.
:'''Craig''': Good, I'll start practicing.
:''[Drake walks away while Craig starts singing in the dumpster behind the school's cafeteria]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': ''[he stops the argument about stacks of cards]'' Okay, you know what?! You know what?! Enough with the cards, alright?! I got big problems!
:'''Josh''': What, that Eric thing?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, he's lying to everybody and ruining my life just to make himself popular. But you know what? 
:'''Josh''': What?
:'''Drake''': I'm gonna go find Eric and punch him right in his little nerdy head!
:'''Josh''': You don't want to do that! ''[grabs him]''
:'''Drake''': Then give me a one good reason.
:'''Josh''': 'Cause it's not gonna help you! Alright? It's just gonna make you look worse or you're gonna handle these things maturely.
:'''Drake''': Kinda like you do with Mindy?!
:'''Josh''': DIFFERENT!!! ''[crosses his arms]''
:'''Drake''': It's not different?
:'''Josh''': Mindy rubbing a new boyfriend in my face is an outrage, OUTRAGE!!!
:'''Drake''': And Eric wrecking my life isn't?!
:'''Josh''': I'm not saying it's not bro, but look you gotta help me with-- ''[the doorbell interrupts them as Drake opens the door and Clayton talks to Drake and Josh about what Drake did to his water]''
:'''Clayton''': ''[worried, mumbling]'' Why?
:''[Josh points to Drake and tells him to close the door. Drake awkwardly locks the door as he and Josh cool off]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chad''': Do you guys have free refills on the ginger ale?
:'''Josh''': Oh, you want some ginger ale do you? Yeah, Chad can't get enough of his precious ginger ale!! Oh, No! Well, I'll tell you what, Chad!!! Why not call up the ginger ale headquarters and have them back up a tanker truck to your mouth!? So Chad can drink ginger ale til' there's no more ginger ale for the REST OF THE EARTH'S POPULATION!!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[after Josh becomes obnoxious that Mindy has a new boyfriend, she comes over to check on him]''
:'''Josh''': What do you except? I mean, I know we're broken up, but that doesn’t give you the right to rub your new boyfriend in my face.
:'''Mindy''': He's not my boyfriend.
:'''Josh''': Look, I don't care what you call him-
:'''Mindy''': He's my cousin.
:'''Josh''': Your cousin?
:'''Mindy''': Yeah. I'm not dating anyone. He just moved here from St. Louis, so I've been showing him around.
:'''Josh''': Why didn't you tell me that?
:'''Mindy''': I tried, you never gave me a chance.
:'''Josh''': So tonight, you were just messing with my head? 
:'''Mindy''': I think you deserved it after the way you screamed at me. 
:'''Josh''': I still think that was a really obnoxious thing for you to do! 
:'''Mindy''': I think you acted ''way'' more obnoxious. 
:'''Josh''': Well, I'm just glad we're broken up! 
:'''Mindy''': Not as glad as I am! 
:'''Josh''': Oh, really?! 
:'''Mindy''': REALLY! ''[they make out]''
:'''Josh''': We're still broken up, right?
:'''Mindy''': Definitely.
:''[they continue to make out]''

===Megan's Revenge===
:''[Drake and Josh are in Megan's room]''
:'''Drake''': Now, put Megan's camera back where you found this. Being in her room creeps me out.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, me, too. ''[looks at Megan's hamster]'' Awww. Look at Megan's hamster. He's washing his little face.
:'''Drake''': Look, let's just get out of here.
:'''Josh''': Just wait. This is too cute. I gotta get a picture of him.
:'''Drake''': Well, hurry.
:'''Josh''': Okay! Smile, Hervay. 
:''[Hervay falls down from the camera shot Josh took]''
:'''Drake''': Awww. He's playing dead.
:'''Josh''': I think he really is dead!
:'''Drake''': Oh! That hamster cannot be dead. If that hamster is dead, we're dead because Megan’s gonna kill us!
:'''Josh''': W-W-What can I do about it?
:'''Drake''': I don't know your watch o.r.! Fix him.
:'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' Okay, okay. Um, alright, I need a CBC, uh, a chem seven chest phone.
:'''Drake''': Just give him CPU!
:'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' Alright! ''[takes out Hervay from his cage]'' See what everybody say with me!
:'''Drake''': Okay.
:'''Josh''': ''[blows on Hervay's mouth]'' 1 1,000 , 2 1,000 , 3 1,000 , BREATHE! ''[blows on Hervay's mouth again and tries to pick him up but fails]'' That's it. 10:22, I'm calling it!
:'''Drake''': NO! ''[runs up to Hervay and blows his mouth]'' 
:'''Josh''': ''[gaves Drake backwards]'' HE'S GONE!
:'''Drake''': Josh, Megan is going to kill us!
:'''Josh''': Maybe she won't. Maybe she'll understand.
:'''Drake''': Think about it. Megan does horrible horrible things to us every day for no reason. Now, SHE HAS A REASON!
:'''Josh''': WE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!
:''[Drake quickly puts the camera in her drawer and Josh puts Hervay back in his room as they leave Megan's room fast]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Drake''': Ow! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Megan uses a remote to create a hole on the floor to make Drake and Josh fall to the garage from their bedroom]''
:'''Megan''': Okay, that was good revenge, too. And by the way, you didn't kill Hervay. The camera flash just stunned. He's fine, see? ''[shows Drake and Josh her pet hamster Hervay who is still alive]''
:'''Drake and Josh''': MEGAN!

===Steered Straight===
:'''Josh''': Man, we can't get into the Reptile Room ''[nightclub]''. You have to be over 21.
:'''Drake''': You are, Mr... ''[pulls out fake ID]'' Yakitori!
:'''Josh''': ''[takes fake ID and looks at it]'' What's this?
:'''Drake''': Fake ID, here, check mine out. ''[takes out his own fake ID and gives it to Josh]''
:'''Josh''': ''[reads the name on Drake's fake ID]'' Jefferson Steelflex?
:'''Drake''': ''[laughs]'' Yeah, made it up.
:'''Josh''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, REALLY! So you're suggesting that we use fake IDs to get into a nightclub posing as... ''[reads the names on the IDs again]'' Jefferson Steelflex and Alvin Yakitori?
:'''Drake''': Yep. And, hey, we gotta be there before 10:30 because I'm pretty sure...
:'''Josh''': It's illegal to use fake IDs!
:'''Drake''': Yeah, well, it's illegal to rob banks, but people do it!
:'''Josh''': Yes, people who are BANK ROBBERS!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[after Blaze has gone]''
:'''Josh''': Are you CRAZY?! What if Mom, Dad or Megan are downstairs?
:'''Drake''': Look, both of the cars are gone, alright? So nobody's home.
:'''Josh''': Good. Oh, quick. Quick, let's call the cops before he comes back.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, right, right, right, right.
:'''Josh''': Okay.
:'''Drake''': Uh...
:'''Josh''': Uh, alright. ''[pushes the phone with his head and he and Drake struggle to call the police]'' Alright, work together. Teamwork.
:'''Drake''': Okay.
:'''Josh''': Teamwork.
:'''Drake''': Alright.
:'''Josh''': To the left.
:'''Drake''': Ow!
:'''Josh''': To the--
:'''Drake''': Grab it.
:'''Josh''': Alright. ''[the phone slides away from him and Drake]'' Teamworking.
:'''Drake''': Grab it. Alright, press the 9, man.
:'''Josh''': Oh, this isn't gonna work.
:'''Drake''': Alright. Fine, fine, here. ''[puts it behind him]'' I'll hold it behind my back, you dial it with your nose.
:'''Josh''': I'm not sticking my nose down there.
:'''Drake''': Would you rather take your chances with a vicious criminal?
:'''Josh''': I think so.
:'''Drake''': Oh, just dial the number.
:'''Josh''': Alright. ''[presses the 9 button with his nose]'' 9. ''[then the 1 button]'' 1. 
:''[sneezes on the phone and Drake lets go of it]''
:'''Drake''': Aw, man. You sneezed on my palm.
:'''Josh''': It is allergy season. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:'''Criminal''': It's some goofy-looking dude in a really bad shirt. 
:'''Drake and Josh''': Dad.

===Megan's First Kiss=== 
:'''Josh''': Thanks for the tip, dad! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:'''Megan''': Um, what are you doing this Saturday night?
:'''Drake''': Going to a concert at the Mega Dome.
:'''Josh''': Why?
:'''Drake''': 'Cause we bought tickets.
:'''Josh''': ''[to Drake]'' Not you! ''[to Megan]'' Why do you wanna know what we're doing Saturday night?
:'''Megan''': I don't care what you're doing.
:'''Drake''': But you just asked us.
:'''Megan''': Or, maybe you, just asked yourselves! Yeah. Think about that... ''[Megan leaves the room smiling]''
:'''Drake''': Okay I wanna know what her deal is!
:'''Josh''': Yeah, yeah, yeah she's up to something!
:'''Drake''': Yeah, first she hangs up the phone, pretends to not be talking to anybody.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, and she measures our necks and asks of our social plans.
:'''Drake''': Wait, she said we asked ourselves about that.
:'''Josh''': Really, you're not a smart boy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake and Josh walk into the Premiere disguised as Jews]''
:'''Drake''': Okay, all I'm saying is, the next time we need disguises, I'm getting them!
:'''Josh''': I told you, the costume shop was closed, the temple was open! And these are good disguises.
:'''Drake''': I don't even know what accent to talk with. 
:'''Josh''': Doesn't matter, just sound foreign.
:'''Helen''': Can I help you gentlemen find something?
:'''Josh''': ''[Irish accent]'' Top of the mornin to ya, how are ya? Potata!
:'''Helen''': Potato?
:'''Drake''': ''[Irish accent]'' Come along, Pontiac.
:'''Josh''': Yes, let's go observe the mulberry bush!
:'''Drake''': Pip pip da doodly-doo!
:'''Helen''': Pip pip da doodly-doo! I'm gonna start sayin that. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Megan''': I love you guys.

===The Battle of Panthatar===
:''[Opening comments: Drake and Josh ask themselves random questions]''
:'''Drake''': Hello, what's your name?
:'''Josh''': Hi! Who are you?
:'''Drake''': What is your favorite thing to eat?
:'''Josh''': What games do you like to play?
:'''Drake and Josh''': Me, too!
:'''Drake''': Hey, do you like me?
:'''Josh''': Do you wanna be my friend?
:'''Drake''': Aw, thank you!
:'''Josh''': ... What is that supposed to mean?
:'''Drake''': You think I'm handsome? What a special thing to say!
:'''Josh''': What? Who are you calling a dork? Hey hey hey hey! Go fetch your mother! Yeah I'm talking to you!
:'''Drake''': A present? For me?
:'''Josh''': Alright just put your kid right in front of the TV set because I have a few things to say!
:'''Drake''': ''[holding a handed a plate of cookies]'' A plate of cookies? Ohh, yummy!
:'''Josh''': I-I think it's pretty rude to tell a person that he's a --''[boy spits in his eye]''... did you just... you spit in my eye!
:'''Drake''': Mmm... these are my favorite!
:'''Josh''': Ohh, it burns! Aghh! Aghh!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:'''Thornton''': What's up, Nicholas? 

:'''Thronton''': MARIA!!! 
:'''Maria''': Thronton! 
:'''Josh''': Free popcorn??? 

:'''Thronton''': What's the matter with you!? 

:'''Josh''': ''[sobs]'' 
:'''Crazy Steve''': Excuse me! No yelling in the theater area. 
:'''Lady''': Excuse me, where's the ladies' restroom? 
:'''Crazy Steve''': I AM TALKING TO PEOPLE!!! 
:'''Thornton''': UNINVITED!!!! ''[storms away]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:''[Drake enters his and Josh's room]''
:'''Drake''': Hey.
:'''Josh''': Well? Did you go to Thornton's house? Did you apologize?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, I went to Thornton's house, and I apologized.
:'''Josh''': Well, perfect, and?
:'''Drake''': He had his housekeeper kick me out, then he hit me with a broom, and I fell down some brick stairs.
:'''Josh''': ''[groans]'' I really wanted to go to that party. Why do you ruin everything?
:'''Drake''': Don't worry, alright? I'm gonna figure a way to get even with that Thornton.
:'''Josh''': I don't wanna get even. ''[whining]'' I WANNA GO TO THAT BIRTHDAY PARTY!
:'''Drake''': Bro, Thornton hates us.
:'''Josh''': Well, let's make him love us again.
:'''Drake''': I tried.
:'''Josh''': Well, maybe we can... ''[notices Drake's autographed [[The Beatles|Beatles]] ''Abbey Road'' album]'' Hey. Isn't Thornton a huge Beatles fan?
:'''Drake''': Well, yeah, but I don't see what that has to do-- [realizes what Josh means] Oh, no, no. No way. ''[hides it in his arms]'' Don't even think about it.
:'''Josh''': I'm telling you, if we give him that album--
:'''Drake''': Absolutely not.
:'''Josh''': I guarantee you he'll re-invite us.
:'''Drake''': Dude, I love this album more than I love myself.
:'''Josh''': Dude.
:'''Drake''': Okay, but I love this album a lot. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:'''Thornton''': Hey! Drake and Josh are not invited! I want them outta here!

===[[w:Really Big Shrimp|Really Big Shrimp]]===
&lt;small&gt;Note: This episode was an hour long.&lt;/small&gt;
:'''Crazy Steve''': ''[looks at his watch]'' It's time! ''[he steals old man's cane and starts chasing Josh]'' You ate my enchilada!
:'''Josh''': There was no note!
:'''Crazy Steve''': You ate my enchilada!
:'''Josh''': There was no note! 
:'''Crazy Steve''': You ate my enchilada! 
:'''Josh''': I thought we settled this! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Audrey''': ''[hears doorbell; talking about Helen and Lula]'' Walter, they're here.
:'''Walter''': Ooh. ''[walks before the front door]''
:'''Megan''': Dad, are you sure about this?
:'''Walter''': Yes. And we are doing a very nice thing for a sweet old lady. ''[Lula breaks the door in] ''
:'''Lula''': Where's the bathroom?!
:'''Audrey''': Did you just break our door in?!
:'''Lula''': I rang the doorbell, waited 25 seconds, no one answered, what I supposed to do?
:'''Josh''': You could've rang the doorbell, again.
:'''Lula''': ''[to Helen]'' Who's that boy with a big head that looks like a tooth pick with a cantaloupe on top? ''[Megan laughs and Josh give her a furious look]''
:'''Megan''': What, am I going to pretend that wasn't funny?
:'''Helen''': That's Josh, he works with me at the Premeire. ''[introduces everyone else]'' That's Drake, I prefer him. That's Megan, that's Mrs. Parker (Audrey), and this is...''[forgets who Walter is]''
:'''Walter''': Walter!
:'''Lula''': Great, now where's the bathroom?!
:'''Audrey''': Right through that door.
:'''Lula''': Well, thank you for finally giving me that information! ''[walks into bathroom and slams door]''
:'''Audrey''': Is she always so--? 
:'''Helen''': Buh-bye! ''[goes away]''
:'''Megan''': I can't believe that lady is staying in our guest room for a week.
:'''Walter''': No, she's staying in your room.
:'''Megan''': What?!
:'''Audrey''': You'll be staying in the boys' room.
:'''Drake, Josh and Megan''': What?!
:'''Josh''': This is an outrage!
:'''Drake''': What are we gonna stay?
:'''Walter''': ''[to Drake and Josh]'' Your room is huge. The three of you will be fine for a week.
:'''Megan''': Aw, this is horrible.
:'''Walter''': It's not that bad.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Megan''': Fine, I'll tell him. Josh, Molly thinks you're cute.
:'''Megan's Friends''': Eww!
:''[Josh walks out of the room]''
:'''Molly''': Call me!!
:'''Megan's Friends''': Eww!
:''[Josh peeks his head back through the door]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake arrives home]''
:'''Audrey''': Super Bowl's on.
:'''Drake''': I don't care.
:'''Josh''': Come on, the commercial's up in about two minutes. You gotta watch. It's your song.
:'''Drake''': It's not my song. It's horrible bubble-gum pop garbage-y badness. That 50,000,000 people are about to hear. I'll be on the roof.
:'''Josh''': Why?
:'''Drake''': Because you're not there. ''[walks away]''
:'''Josh''': Drake! ''[runs off to Drake]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crazy Steve''': Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in...
:'''Lula''': ''[annoyed]'' I know how to breathe!
:'''Crazy Steve''': ''[screaming]'' '''''JUST DO WHAT I SAY!'''''
:'''Lula''': ''[scared]'' Okay. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mindy''': ''[Yells after Crazy Steve goes insane]'' Help! Crazy Steve's gone berserk! 
:'''Josh &amp; Helen''': Crazy Steve!? 
:'''Mindy''': WHO ELSE!? 
:'''Josh''': But it's Monday, you can't schedule Crazy Steve to work on a Monday! 
:'''Helen''': Monday's his bad day! 
:'''Mindy''': Well, no one TOLD me that!!! 
:'''Crazy Steve''': ''[waving nutted shoes]'' CUCKADOODLEDOO, THE COW SAYS MOO!!! 

I want the shrimp.

===Helicopter=== 
:'''Vince''': That's S.P.L.A.T.. 
:'''Drake''': That's spelled splat. 
:'''Vince''': Oh, man. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:''[Drake and Josh try to wake up Vince]''
:'''Josh''': Hey, hey. He's awake.
:'''Drake''': You're awake!
:'''Vince''': ''[wakes up]'' Oh, what happened? How long I been out?
:'''Drake''': About 10 minutes. 
:'''Vince''': Oh, I remember. You clowns were fighting over this parachute. ''[holds his head]'' Oh, what'd I hit my head on?
:'''Josh''': This fire extinguisher.
:'''Vince''': Oh.
:'''Josh''': See, I'm pretty sure you hit your head right on this lever-- ''[he accidentally sprays Vince with a fire extinguisher and Vince screams outside after he pranked him]''
:'''Drake''': ''[angrily]'' Do you know what you just did?!
:'''Josh''': ''[worried]'' I extinguished our pilot?
:'''Drake''': ''[angrily]'' No, he has a parachute! You've extinguished us!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Vince angrily arrives at Drake and Josh's house after Drake and Josh blasted him out of the helicopter]''
:'''Vince''': You blasted me out of my own helicopter.
:'''Drake &amp; Josh''': Wha-- shh!
:'''Drake''': Not in front of our parents.
:'''Audrey''': Who is it?
:'''Drake &amp; Josh''': Uh--
:'''Drake''': Some, crazy, guy.
:''[Josh whistles]''
:'''Walter''': ''[to Audrey]'' I'll handle this. ''[he walks over to Vince]'' How can I help you?
:'''Vince''': Are you their father?
:'''Walter''': Yes. ''[Vince angrily gives him a bill]'' What's this?
:'''Vince''': ''[angrily]'' A bill. That's how much you owe me for my new helicopter.
:'''Walter''': What? ''[looks at the bill Vince gave him how much he needs to pay for his helicopter]'' '''''$400,000?!'''''
:''[Audrey and Megan are both shocked]''
:'''Drake''': ''[as Walter]'' Boys, you're both grounded.
:'''Josh''': But, Dad--
:'''Drake''': ''[as Walter]'' Grounded, two weeks.
:'''Josh''': But it wasn't our fault!
:'''Drake''': ''[as Walter]'' Upstairs.
:'''Josh''': ''[defeated]'' Yes, sir.
:'''Drake''': Night.
:'''Josh''': Night.
:''[knowing the consequences, Drake and Josh ground themselves for two weeks as the episode ends]''

===Dance Contest===
:'''Eric''': So, uh, Josh, thanks for throwing me this... great party.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, this is quite a party. Hope the neighbors don't call the cops on us.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:'''Stage director''': STOP IT! ''[multiple times]'' Perhaps, you ladies didn't read the rules: you fight, you're out! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Drake and Josh''': ''[last lines]'' Who is she?

==External links==

{{wikipedia|Drake &amp; Josh}}

[[Category:Drake &amp; Josh seasons]]
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]</text>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-11T20:22:07Z</timestamp>
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      <text bytes="58301" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
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:'''Seasons:'''  [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 1|1]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 2|2]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 3|3]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 4|4]] | [[Drake &amp; Josh|Main]]
----
'''''[[w:Drake &amp; Josh|Drake &amp; Josh]]''''' is an American television sitcom created by Dan Schneider for Nickelodeon. The series follows the lives of two teenage boys with opposite personalities, Drake Parker (Drake Bell) and Josh Nichols (Josh Peck), who are stepbrothers.

===Josh Runs Into Oprah===
:''[Megan opens up Josh's birthday cake]''
:'''Josh''': You made me a birthday cake?
:'''Megan''': Uh-huh. Mom gave me the recipe. I think it turned out pretty good. There.
:'''Josh''': Wow! This is really full of poison, isn't it?
:'''Megan''': No!
:'''Josh''': No, what then, huh, huh, huh, hot sauce some kind of extreme laxident?
:'''Megan''': Oh, c'mon! I wouldn't let you eat a cake that make you sick on your birthday.
:'''Josh''': I'm sorry.
:'''Megan''': It's okay. Make a wish. ''[Josh blows out the birthday candles from his cake as it exploded and he turns around to Megan as he had cake pieces on his face when she pranked him]'' I didn't say it wouldn't explode!
:'''Josh''': I don't blame you so much for doing it, as I blame myself for not anticipating it.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:'''Drake''': Hey, WATCH IT, WATCH IT!!! ''[Josh screams]'' 
:''[Oprah screams as they accidentally hit her and she jumps onto the front of their car and slides off, much to Josh's horror]'' 
:'''Woman''': OPRAH!!! Oh, my god! Oprah! Somebody call for help! 
:'''Josh''': I RAN OVER OPRAH!!! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Josh angrily comes home from the hospital after Drake pranked the whole hospital thinking Josh has a virus, which in return, causes him to get a chemical bath]''
:'''Drake''': Hey, man.
:'''Josh''': ''HEY, MAN''?!
:'''Drake''': Hey... man?
:'''Josh''': You left me at hospital to be chemicaLY bathed!
:'''Drake''': Oh, yeah, how'd it go?
:'''Josh''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, actually, it was quite soothing especially the part where they...OH, IT WAS HORRIBLE!!
:'''Drake''': Kay, what up with the 'tude?
:'''Josh''': D'you know what its like to get an involuntry chemical bath? it stings...''EVERYWHERE''!
:'''Drake''': Alright, look. Tell you what, I'm going to make up to you, okay?
:'''Josh''': No. Okay, no you're not, because that's when the badness happens. The only time you do anything nice to me is after you caused me some kind of physical damage or emotional distress! You are never going to make up anything to me ever again!
:'''Drake''': Wait, do these sound okay to you? ''[Drake plays his Bongos for Josh to try to cheer him up, but Josh rips the taped up Bongos then leaves]'' Would you bring me the hot glue gun?
:'''Josh''': NOT REALLY! ''[slams the door]''

===Vicious Tiberius===
:''[Drake and Josh found out that their dad did not answer the phone because he was working out at home singing]''
:'''Drake''': Well?
:'''Josh''': No answer.
:'''Drake''': You probably dialed the wrong number. Let me see it--
:'''Josh''': No, I think I know our own number.
:'''Drake''': Dude, just let me try-- ''[he and Josh both fight with Josh's phone and it lands in the toilet]'' Nice! ''[sees Josh's phone in the toilet]''
:'''Josh''': It's your fault. Go get it.
:'''Drake''': I'm not putting my hand in there! That's where Mrs. Hayfer pees!
:'''Josh''': Probably doesn't even work anymore.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, well, let's see. ''[flushes Josh's phone away]'' It still works.
:'''Josh''': I knew the toilet still worked, Drake. I MEANT MY PHONE!
:'''Drake''': Oh, well, that's gone.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Megan''': ''[offscreen]'' Hello? Anybody home?
:'''Josh''': Who's that?
:'''Drake''': It sounds like Megan.
:'''Megan''': ''[offscreen]'' Drake? Josh?
:'''Josh''': That ''is'' Megan, how does she know? Oh, no, she's outside with Tiberius!
:'''Drake''': Oh, he'll eat her alive!
:'''Josh''': C'mon! ''[tries to open the door but Drake puts his foot on the door]'' Dude!
:'''Drake''': ''[blocks the door]'' Well, just 'cause she gets eaten, doesn't mean we have to.
:'''Josh''': That's our little sister out there, we've gotta help her!
:'''Drake''': Alright.
:'''Josh''': C'mon. ''[he and Drake come out of the bathroom and see Megan in the living room to reveal that Tiberius is behaving as he loud whispers]'' Megan! Run!
:'''Megan''': I don't wanna run.
:'''Drake''': ''[loud whisper]'' But he's vicious.
:'''Megan''': Yeah, he's real vicious. Ooh, down, boy. You're so scary.
:''[Drake and Josh walk by to her]''
:'''Josh''': I don't get it. Well, he's all calm.
:'''Drake''': Evil dog, evil girl. Makes perfect sense.
:'''Megan''': Where have you two been? You were supposed to pick me up two hours ago.
:'''Josh''': How'd you know we were here?
:'''Megan''': Dad said you were stopping here and then picking me up, which you didn't.
:'''Josh''': We couldn't.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, we were trapped here by this demon dog.
:'''Megan''': What're you talking about?
:'''Josh''': When you're not around, he goes all berserk and tries to kill us.
:'''Megan''': Really?
:'''Drake and Josh''': Yeah/Uh-huh.
:'''Megan''': ''[satisfied]'' See ya.
:''[after Megan leaves the house, Tiberius traps Drake and Josh in the bathroom again]''

===The Wedding===
:''[Opening comments: Drake and Josh talk about how unpleasant their great aunt Catherine is and both are in agreement that she is quite unpleasant]''
:'''Josh''': So, me and Drake have this Great Aunt Catherine.
:'''Drake''': Have you ever met my Great Aunt Catherine? No? Well, hey. Lucky you.
:'''Josh''': She's almost 90 years old.
:'''Drake''': She's like 90,000 years old.
:'''Josh''': She's not nice!
:'''Drake''': She is mean. ''[gets closer to the viewers]'' Mean to the ''bone''!
:'''Josh''': Something's not right about Aunt Catherine.
:'''Drake''': She collects hair... from people she doesn't even know well!
:'''Josh''': Oh, and get this.
:'''Drake and Josh''': Aunt Catherine's getting married!
:'''Josh''': I mean, who wants to get married at 89 years old?
:'''Drake''': You know, Josh and I disagree on a lot of stuff, but I bet he hates Aunt Catherine just as much as I do.
:'''Josh''': I wonder if Drake hates Aunt Catherine as much as I do. ''[turns to Drake]'' Do ya?
:'''Drake''': Totally.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Josh''': Why are you in such a hurry?
:'''Drake''': 'Cause I want Aunt Catherine's beach house, bad.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, so do I.
:'''Drake''': Well, we can't be late for the wedding, and we have to pick up the cake.
:'''Josh''': Dude, we got plenty of time, alright? Just as long as we get to the bakery before... ''[notices his laptop case gone]'' Hey, have you seen my laptop case? I thought I left it right here.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, I gave it to Craig and Eric.
:'''Josh''': You... You what?!
:'''Drake''': They told me you said it was cool.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, I said it was cool for 'em to borrow my computer, but why'd you give them the whole case? It had my cell phone in it and my keys to Mom's SUV! Now we have no car!
:'''Drake''': Well, I'll just call Craig and Eric and tell them to come back.
:'''Josh''': No, we can't. They don't have cell phones.
:'''Drake''': Why?
:'''Josh''': 'Cause Papa Nichols threw Eric's against the wall and broke it, and Craig's mom thinks cell phones cause ear sores!
:'''Drake''': Craig does get a lot of ear sores.
:'''Josh''': Look, we cannot be late to this wedding!
:'''Drake''': Right, okay, um... Trevor!
:'''Josh''': What about Trevor?
:'''Drake''': We'll borrow his car.
:'''Josh''': His girlfriend sleeps in it.
:'''Drake''': No, they broke up. She sleeps in some other guy's car now.
:'''Josh''': I don't wanna go to a wedding in Trevor's El Camino, it's old and gross.
:'''Drake''': So is Aunt Catherine.
:'''Josh''': Drake, if we--
:'''Drake''': Look, it runs, and the wedding cake will fit in the back. And the most important thing is it'll get us there on time. ''[starts calling Trevor on the phone]'' 

===Mindy Loves Josh===
:'''Josh''': What do you want?
:'''Megan''': There's a couple of guys outside stealing  your bike.
:'''Josh''': Oh I just moved the chain, HANDS OFF MY RIDE! ''[runs outside]'' Hey!
:'''Mindy''': Maybe, I should have call the police.
:'''Megan''': Nah, no ones stealing his bike.
:'''Mindy''': What did you tell him that for? You got him all upset for nothing.
:'''Megan''': Yeah. 

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
Megan: What are you eating? 
Drake: Big cookie. 

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
Josh: Mindy, I am in the process of becoming a woman, so I worried… 
Drake: JOSH!!! OH, MY GOD, JOSH!!!! 
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Megan comes inside Drake and Josh's room and tells Drake her truth after making his hands green (when she saw Drake eating her cookie)]''
:'''Drake''': Oh, it's you. Close the door!
:'''Megan''': ''[closes the door and walks up to Drake]'' What's going on?
:'''Drake''': Swear not to tell mom and dad?
:'''Megan''': Swear.
:'''Drake''': Well, I've have this rare skin disease called dermatameculitis.
:'''Megan''': ''[gasps]'' Oh my god! Are you okay?
:'''Drake''': I will be. See, I read online that you can cure it by soaking in zipholic acid which is in lizard pee.
:'''Megan''': Or you know there is another cure.
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Megan''': Next time, don't eat my big cookie.
:'''Drake''': What are you saying?
:'''Megan''': I tricked you into thinking you have a rare skin disease by dying your hands and feet green while you slept and that you were stupid enough to actually fall for it and stick your hands and feet in buckets in lizard pee. That what I'm saying.
:'''Drake''': Megan!
:'''Megan''': You have a little somethin' on your upper lip.
:''[Drake touches his upper lip with his green hand and suffers from it as Megan leaves his and Josh's room]''
:'''Drake''': Wait!
:'''Megan''': What?
:'''Drake''': Is it gone?
:''[Megan leaves the room]''

===Who's Got Game?===
:'''Carly''': ''[walks up to Drake]'' Help you find something?
:'''Drake''': Oh no, I got- ''[turns to see her]'' No, I got it.
:'''Carly''': Sparks, nice. Yes, I saw them live last week at &quot;The Phyton&quot;.
:'''Drake''': No way, I was there.
:'''Carly''': Oh, yeah, you were that guy in the crowd listening.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, that was me!
:'''Carly''': I was kidding.
:'''Drake''': Me, too.
:'''Carly''': Come on, I'll ring you up.
:'''Drake''': Okay.
:''[they both walk up to the cashier's desk]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Josh''': ''[walks up to Drake]'' Well, while you keep kissing your new girlfriend, I'm going to go back home and move my special pillow onto your bed.
:'''Drake''': What? ''[turns around to Josh]''
:'''Josh''': Well, I've had 22 dates this you week and you've only had one.
:'''Drake''': Okay, yeah. I guess you get my bed. Alright, you win.
:'''Josh''': I win? I GOT MORE GIRLS THAN DRAKE!! ''[laughs]'' JOSH NICHOLS IS NO LONGER A LITTLE CATERPILLAR, AH, HE IS A BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY!! ''[flaps wings for a while then stops out of embarrassment]'' See you guys at home. ''[walks away]''

===The Great Doheny===
:'''Josh''': Uh, Megan. This is Henry Doheny. I'm gonna go make him a sandwich with some crinko cup fries and you keep him company. ''[runs off to make Doheny his sandwich]''
:'''Megan''': Henry Doheny. Didn't you use to be like a really famous magician?
:'''Henry Doheny''': Hmmm. ''[pretends to think]''  Why don't you, reach into, ''[points to trash can and Megan looks at it]'' that decorative trash can and tell me.
:'''Megan''': ''[looks at him, searches through the trash-can, picks out old papers than a bunny, and gasps]'' A bunny!
:'''Henry Doheny''': Her name is Cookie, if you hold her close, she'll lick your nose.
:'''Megan''': ''[puts Cookie to her face and Cookie begins to lick her as she laughs]'' Oh my god, this is the cutest bunny I've ever seen! Can I keep her?
:'''Henry Doheny''': I insist!
:'''Megan''': Thanks! ''[goes to her room, admiring Cookie]''
:'''Henry Doheny''': ''[To Drake]'' Pick a card!
:'''Drake''': ''[picks a card]'' Now what?
:'''Henry Doheny''': Now, put it back. ''[Drake gives the card back and he takes the deck into his jacket]''
:'''Drake''': ''[looks at Doheny with a weird gaze]'' What's my card?
:'''Henry Doheny''': Cough. ''[Drake coughs out a card]'' Open it. ''[Drake does so and Doheny isn't even looking]'' Is that your card?
:'''Drake''': Yeah. Please do me a favor and don't make things come outta my body.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Walter''': ''[looking himself in the mirror after Doheny made him bald]'' Ahh! Check me out! I'm bald. ''[leaving the room]'' Honey, Mr. Doheny made me bald!

===I Love Sushi===
:'''Josh''': ''[presses record button on video camera remote for filming contest entry video]'' Dear pump my room, this is our living room.
:'''Drake''': A room, in which we live. 
:'''Josh''': Um, we really wish we'd win this makeover.
:'''Drake''': But not for us.
:'''Josh''': For our parents.
:'''Drake''': We call them, &quot;Mom and Dad&quot;.
:'''Josh''': You see, my dad married his mom almost five years ago.
:'''Drake''': I am still in shock.
:'''Josh''': And soon, it'll be their fifth anniversary.
:'''Drake''': ''[sheepishly]'' Still in shock.
:'''Josh''': Now, we can't afford to buy them anything fancy.
:'''Drake''': So we pray that you wonderful people at Pump my Room choose us.
:'''Josh''': Eh, our parents.
:'''Drake''': For the special gift, of a room makeover. ''[desperately]'' Please.
:'''Josh''': ''[desperately]'' Please. ''[Drake and Josh both embrace each other, drake grabs for the remote to end the video recording]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Josh''': Okay, mom and dad. Here it comes.
:'''Drake''': Who's ready to go inside?
:'''Audrey''': What is up with you guys?
:'''Walter''': Yeah, you kept us out all day driving all over the city.
:'''Drake''': Get ready. ''[he opens the door as he, Josh, Walter, and Audrey come inside the house]''
:'''Drake and Josh''': HAPPY ANNIVERS- ''[they turn on the lights to reveal that the furniture in the living room has been stolen]'' -''[lamely]'' sery.
:'''Walter''': Drake?
:'''Audrey''': Josh!
:'''Walter''': Where's our stuff?
:'''Josh''': We've been robbed!
:'''Drake''': ''[curious]'' Surprise!
:''[Walter and Audrey both get shocked after all of the furniture from the living room disappeared]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Drake Parker. Josh Nichols. ''[Drake and Josh come in Mr. Nadel's office]'' What do you want?
:'''Josh''': We understand that you give people temporary jobs?
:'''Mr. Nadel''': So?
:'''Josh''': And we'd like one.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': And I'd like to meet with another woman who doesn't change her phone number after the first date.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, well good luck with that.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Ok, what are your skills?
:'''Drake''': I play guitar and date girls.
:'''Josh''': Well, I'm an honor student. I'm pretty good with magic tricks, I can cook. Oh, in the 5th grade I was vote most polite child-
:'''Mr. Nadel''': ''[yells]'' NO! THAT'S ENOUGH! ''[in a normal voice]'' Well, let's see, I've got men's room attendant, ditch digger, or you could clean up after elephants at the zoo?
:'''Drake''': Wow, they all sound so wonderful.
:'''Josh''': Do you gave any jobs that are, you know... not repulsive?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, and we want one that pays a lot.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Sure, and I wanna meet a woman who doesn't change her phone number after the first date.
:'''Josh''': You already said that.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': ''[yelling]'' WELL IT HAPPENS EVERY TIME! I MEAN WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!
:'''Drake''': We just want jobs.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Alright look, I got two jobs working the line at a fish factory. Not glamorous enough for you?
:'''Josh''': Well, what would we have to do?
:'''Mr. Nadel''': You'd be assembling packages of sushi for distribution to local supermarkets. Pays 18 bucks an hour. Each.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, we'll take it.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Good. Happy. Happy. Here's the address. Be there Saturday morning 8:00.
:'''Drake:''' 8:00?
:'''Josh''': We'll be there.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Yeah, yeah.
:''[Drake and Josh leave Mr. Nadel's office; Nadel types in numbers on his phone from a piece of paper]''
:'''Phone''': The number you have reached has been disconnected
:'''Mr. Nadel''': ''[bangs on desk]'' EVERY TIME! Stupid lotion! ''[knocks a bottle of lotion on the floor]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': Look man, we tried our best I can't think of anything else...
:''[Drake and Josh realize they're sitting on the couch and feel it to make sure they're not dreaming Josh looks around and sees everything back in the living room]''
:'''Josh''': The Furniture's back!
:'''Drake''': We did it!
:'''Josh''': We didn't do anything!
:'''Audrey''': Howdy, boys.
:'''Walter''': Surprised?
:'''Josh''': Yeah! How'd you get our furniture back?
:'''Audrey''': The police found the robbers moving van.
:'''Walter''': It was broken down about a half a mile up the street.
:'''Drake''': And they found everything?
:'''Walter''': Yep.
:'''Audrey''': It's all here. ''[smells rotten stench on Drake and Josh]'' Do I smell rotting sushi?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, it's a long story.
:'''Josh''': Uh see we...
:'''Walter''': ''[cuts Josh off at mid sentence]'' We don't want to know.

===The Storm===
:''[Drake hits Eric in the chest and notices Lucy]''
:'''Eric''': Ow.
:'''Drake''': That's Lucy, my ex-girlfriend. Josh invited my ex-girlfriend?
:'''Eric''': Well, yeah. When we were going over the gas list, Josh said you and Lucy were still friends.
:'''Drake''': Well, we are, but I invited Carly. I can't have my current girlfriend and my ex-girlfriend at the same party. You want the universe to explode? Man, what am I gonna--? ''[hits Eric in the chest again and notices Christine]'' 
:'''Eric''': Ow!
:'''Drake''': Christine? How many of my ex-girlfriends are here?
:'''Eric''': Just those two. I hope. Or else I'm gonna need chest replacement surgery!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': ''[after being on the phone with Josh]'' That was Josh.
:'''Julio''': They cancelled the concert?
:'''Drake''': The whole stage is underwater.
:'''Gary''': My uncle's got a boat!
:'''Drake''': That's great, Gary. Why don't ya climb into your uncle's boat and SAIL OFF TO MORON ISLAND?!!! 

&lt;hr width=“50%”&gt; 
Crazy Steve: C’MON, DORA!!!

===My Dinner with Bobo===
:''[Drake and Josh and Megan get a car]''
:'''Megan''': ''[looking at a car with tattooed flowers]'' Oh my god! I love this car! Let's buy this one!
:'''Drake''': Shall we harmonize?
:'''Josh''': Let's.
:'''Drake and Josh''': ''[singing]'' No!
:'''Megan''': Dad said I can help pick out the car.
:'''Drake''': Uh yes. And thank you for helping us decide we're not getting this one.
:'''Megan''': Don't push me.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': ''[appears and gets out of his cart]'' Well now, let me guess! You folks are looking for a car.
:'''Josh''': Hey, you're Stan the Car Man.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': The very same.
:'''Josh''': I know, I love your commercials. You need a car, you need a truck, you need a van! Come see Stan the Car Man!
:'''Drake''': Who sells trucks and vans.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': I don't like it when people imitate me.
:'''Josh''': I'm sorry.
:'''Drake''': I'm also sorry. ''[points at a monkey]'' Hey, Bobo! Aw, I love this guy! ''[picks up Bobo]''
:'''Stan the Car Man''': He seems to have taken a liking to you too!
:'''Drake''': Aw, he's awesome.
:'''Megan''': Yeah, maybe he can tutor you in math.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': How much were you boys hoping to spend in this vehicle?
:'''Drake''': About $2400.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': $2400. About what car did you had in mind?
:'''Josh''': Something safe.
:'''Drake''': Something fast.
:'''Josh''': Gets good mileage.
:'''Drake''': It's gotta have satellite radio.
:'''Josh''': Heated seats would be nice.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': Huh?
:'''Josh''': I get cold down there.
:'''Megan''': Look! No one is interested in your butt temperature problems.
:'''Josh''': Dr. Fish bum is.
:'''Drake''': Look, can you just show us something we can afford?
:'''Stan the Car Man''': Well, I surely can. Right over there!
:'''Josh''': Alright.
:'''Drake''': Come on. ''[he and Josh walk away]''
:'''Stan the Car Man''': Butt temperature problems?
:'''Megan''': He's a mess. ''[she and Stan the Car Man walk away too]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake and Josh come inside Dr. Favershim's apartment to rescue Bobo]''
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Come in.
:'''Drake''': We are in.
:'''Josh''': Yeah. And we want Bobo back.
:'''Dr. Favershim''': I'm sorry, we had a deal. $10,000 for your delicious friends.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, well deal's off.
:'''Josh''': So just take your check back and give us Bobo.
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Are you sure?
:'''Josh''': Absolutely.
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Very well, Bobo is in the back of the closet right over there. You may fetch him.
:'''Josh''': Back of the closet?
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Good.
:'''Josh''': Come on dude, let's go get him.
:'''Drake''': Whoa? Is he in here?
:'''Josh''': Perhaps.
:'''Drake''': In the coat, where is he?
:''[when Dr. Favershim locked Drake and Josh in the closet so he could eat Bobo, Drake and Josh yell inside the closet in order to get out after Dr. Favershim pranked them]''
:'''Dr. Favershim''': I'm sorry boys, but I can't let you interfere with my dinner plans. ''[takes off the curtain off of Bobo's cage]'' Hello, little friend. I hope you have good taste.
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' You open the door or we're gonna call the cops!
:'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' Yeah, we have a cellphone in here!
:'''Dr. Favershim''': You have no cellphone.
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Do too!
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Prove it.
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' How?
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Play me a ringtone.
:''[Josh plays a ringtone on his phone from the closet]''
:'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' See? I told ya we got a cellphone!
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Does it have Bluetooth?
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' What?!?!
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Your cellphone, does it have Bluetooth?
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Ya, dude it has Bluetooth.
:'''Dr. Favershim''': I don't believe you. Show me.
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Fine! Open the door! ''[Dr. Favershim opens door]'' See, Bluetooth! Ha, ha! ''[Dr. Favershim pushes Josh back in the closet, takes his phone, and locks the door again]'' What?! Oh, man!
:'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' Oh, nice goin', Bluetooth!
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Don't start with me! ''[Josh slaps Drake off-screen]''
:'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' Ow!
:''[Dr. Favershim cuts slices of a carrot and takes a bite and walks up to Bobo to eat a piece, too]'' 

===Tree House===
:''[Drake and Josh are trapped inside Robbie's treehouse when they're trying to rebuild it]''
:'''Josh''': Drake…? 
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Josh''': Where's the door hole?
:'''Drake''': It goes right there, see? I drew it with a magic marker.
:'''Josh''': You were supposed to cut it out with the power saw!
:'''Drake''': Dude, I'm gonna!
:'''Josh''': Oh, really?
:'''Drake''': Yes!
:'''Josh''': So go get the power saw.
:'''Drake''': Okay, I will! ''[tries to walk through the wall where the painted door is]'' I see the problem…. 
:'''Josh''': Oh, do ya?!

&lt;hr width=50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Megan refuses to let Drake and Josh out of the Robbie's tree house because she is angry that they made her miss her friend Janie's birthday party]''
:'''Megan''': ''[walks to Drake with a snow cone]'' Hey boob.
:'''Drake''': Where you've been?
:'''Megan''': I told you I was about to get a snow cone.
:'''Drake''': Okay, well now that you have one, can you please hand up the power saw so we can get out of here?
:'''Megan''': Let me think, no!
:'''Drake''': Listen to me! You make us miss our dates with those two hot identical twins. I swear- ''[Josh grabs him]''
:'''Josh''': Hey!
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Josh''': We don't need that power saw!
:'''Drake''': Then how are we gonna get out of here?
:'''Josh''': ''[grabs the power screwdriver]'' Power screwdriver! We just need to unscrew one of these walls and boom we are out!
:'''Drake''': Do it brother!
:'''Josh''': Okay. ''[he power screws the door but realized it's dead]'' Set this baby to reverse.
:'''Drake''': Why'd it stop?
:'''Josh''': I don't know. The screwdriver- ''[looks outside the window thinking that Megan unplugged it]'' MEGAN!
:'''Megan''': ''[satisfied; after she unplugged the power screwdriver]'' Yes, can I help you? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''[Craig and Eric hang out with the twins]''

===Josh is Done===
:'''Drake''': C'mon, let's play ping-pong!
:'''Josh''': Alright. I'll play if it'll stop you from yapping.
:'''Drake''': And the battle begins! ''[rings bell]'' Ohh, my worthy opponent. Are you prepared to ping the pong?
:'''Josh''': Wahahaha. I am prepared, young sedgewan. Your pong is no match for my ping!
:'''Drake''': Ahh, do your worst! ''[he and Josh play ping-pong until Josh's paddle flies out of his hand and out the window, to Josh’s horror]'' You have smashed the window of transparency!
:'''Josh''': ''[runs to the broken window]'' Aw, man! Mom and dad are gonna kill me!
:'''Drake''': Oh, probably. Come on, let's finish the game.
:'''Josh''': I don't have a paddle!
:'''Drake''': Oh, there's an extra one downstairs, be back in a sec.
:'''Josh''': We can't be late for this-
:'''Drake''': I'll be back in a few seconds, you can study while I'm gone. ''[gives Josh the book and leaves the room]''
:'''Josh''': I don't think it leaves us enough- ''[opens the book a reads a page]'' What is the atomic weight of beryllium? 9.01. ''[yells]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Josh''': ''[All sweaty from running all the way to class after Drake left him behind, bumps into the door]'' PLEASE! PLEASE, LEMME IN!! I AM SORRY I'M LATE! ''[Drake looks at him from his desk]''
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Opens the door]'' Mr. Nichols, you know the rule. 
:'''Josh''': B-But you don't understand. You see, I was just about to- 
:'''Mr. Roland''': I understand that you are late, and when you're late to my class, you're not welcomed in my class. 
:'''Josh''': Uh, b-but w-what about the exam? 
:'''Mr. Roland''': You will take a make-up exam next Saturday morning at 6AM, and you will be marked down 1 letter grade! 
:'''Josh''': ''[Very upset and despairing]'' Oh, no. No-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh!!! ''[Points at Drake angrily]'' YOU!
:'''Drake''': ''[Defensively]'' What? 
:'''Josh''': ''[Yells and runs in the classroom to attack Drake, only to be held back by the other students, while Drake stares]'' COME HERE! COME HERE, YOU WANNA TUSSLE!? LET'S GO!! LET ME CLOSER!!! 
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[enraged]'' Mr. Nichols! Mr. Nichols, you will leave this classroom NOW! 
:'''Josh''': But- 
:'''Mr. Roland''': NOW! 
:'''Josh''': I- 
:'''Mr. Roland''': NOW! 
:'''Josh''': ''[defeated]'' Now...? ''[Leaves the classroom as Mr. Roland locks the classroom door, as Josh continues trying to plead his case]'' Now, if you would just allow me to explain, OH!!! ''[Mr. Roland yanks down the door window shade]''
:'''Mr. Roland''': As I was saying, you will have 55 minutes to complete your exams. ''[Mr. Roland walks over to the classroom windows to close the blinds as Josh from outside still tries to plead his case.]'' You will use a #2 pencil.
:'''Josh''': ''[Sobbing]'' Your so hard! 
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Closes first blind]'' Not #1, not #3.
:'''Josh''': ''[Still sobbing]'' So unbelievably hard!
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Closes second blind]'' If you have any questions during the exams, don’t ask them!
:'''Josh''': ''[Still sobbing]'' I really do, I give everything a hundred…
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Closes last blind]'' I want silence in this classroom! Silence, is golden.
:'''Josh''': ''[Freaks out]'' Nooo! Nah! Nah! Nah! Nah!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Drake''': ''[Gets home after the exam (which he failed most likely) and takes Robbie's sit-n-bounce just to get Josh over his rage, still not caring about making him late earlier despite wanting to have fun together]'' Hey, Josh. What goes on? 
:'''Josh''': Just readin' my book. 
:'''Drake''': ''[signs]'' Look, I'm sorry about this morning. You know, but Kat called and wanted to make out, and, you know, Kat. 
:'''Josh''': ''[Knowing that Drake's apology is fake]'' Yes, yes. She's very pretty. 
:'''Drake''': Alright, you're still mad. But you won't be for long, 'cause I got you your very own sit-n-bounce! ''[Josh says nothing]'' Sit-n-bounce!  
:'''Josh''': No, thanks. 
:'''Megan''': Doesn't that kid Robbie next door have a sit-n-bounce just like that? 
:'''Drake''': No! No. And, c'mon, have you ever sat and bounced before? You can't be upset when you're sittin' and bouncin'. ''[plays with it. Josh closes his book and gets up, Drake bounces in front of him]'' 
:'''Josh''': Would you please move?
:'''Drake''': ''[stop bouncing]'' Look, dude, I said I was sorry.
:'''Josh''': Oh, I heard you.
:'''Drake''': Well, stop being mad at me.
:'''Josh''': I'm not mad at you. I'm done.
:'''Drake''': What's that supposed to mean?
:'''Josh''': I don't want anything to do with you anymore.
:'''Drake''': So what, are you gonna move out?
:'''Josh''': No, this is a house where I live, and I guess we'll be roommates until the day I leave for college. But that's all we'll be, is roommates. I'm done with you. ''[walks away, leaving Drake concerned]'' 
:'''Megan''': Whoa! 
:'''Drake''': What? 
:'''Megan''': You really did it this time. 
:'''Drake''': Oh, c'mon, ya know how many times Josh has been ''furious'' with me? Uh, he'll pout for a day or 2, and then he'll get over it. 
:'''Megan''': I dunno, he sounded pretty serious. 
:'''Drake''': Trust me. Alright, I know Josh, and there's no way he's gonna keep this up- 
:'''Robbie''': ''[walks in]'' I knew it! I knew you took my sit-n-bounce! ''[kicks Drake in the leg and takes his sit-n-bounce back]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''[Without Josh, Drake begins suffering bad luck, while Josh's life improves with more good luck than ever, even passing his make-up exam and getting his grade back up]'' 
:'''Drake''': ''[arrives at the Primere ]'' Hello, Josh.
:'''Josh''': Hi, Drake.
:'''Craig''': Why are you all sweaty?
:'''Drake''': I'm all sweaty because I ran out of gas and I had to walk all the way here because SOMEBODY forgot to fill up the car!
:'''Josh''': It's not my responsibility to fill the car with gas.
:'''Drake''': You always fill up the car!
:'''Josh''': Used to, now I put in just enough gas for myself.
:'''Drake''': Well, good! You know, good for you! I DON'T NEED YOUR GAS! And just so you know, I'm gonna go see a movie right now and I don't need a free ticket from you cause mom paid me 10 bucks to get out of the house! So I don't need you for ANYTHING!
:'''Leah''': Movie tickets here are $11.
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Eric''': And popcorn and soda are gonna cost you another 6 or 7.
:'''Drake''': D'oh! You know what? I'm not even gonna buy a ticket, I'm just going in. Right, just going right in! ''[yells at ticket checker employee, he stubbornly walks into theater 7]'' 
:'''Josh''': ''[clears throat, grabs the communicator]'' Security, we have a problem in theater 7: male Caucasian, sweaty, wearing a gray sweatshirt. ''[beeps]'' So what's the difference between a hoagie and a submarine sandwich? 
:'''Steve''': I always thought a hoagie was a hot sandwich, and a submarine could be served hot or cold. 
:'''Craig''': No, I think it's the other way around. 
:'''Eric''': Okay, but what's a grinder? 
:'''Leah''': Same thing as a hoagie. 
:'''Drake''': ''[getting dragged by the security guards]'' Hey! Hey! Let go, let go! Josh, Josh! Tell them to let me go! Josh, Josh! Tell them! Tell them! Look this way, I know this guy, I know this guy. Ask him, ask him. 
:'''Security Guard''': Is this guy a friend of yours? 
:''[pause]''
:'''Josh''': ''[satisfied]'' No, he's not. 
:'''Drake''': ''[frustrated]'' Josh!! Oh. You're gonna regret this, Josh! You need me! YOU NEED ME!!! 
:'''Josh''': So, hoagie and grinder same thing, huh? 
:'''Leah, Steve, Eric, &amp; Craig''': ''[All talking at once in agreement]'' Yes./That's right./Uh-huh./Yeah. 
:'''Steve''': All in the sandwich family.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': ''[After being switched with another lab partner named Clayton, messes up his science experiment, causing green water to flow and spill over his hand]'' Whoa-whoa! Hey-hey! What's happening, what's happening!? Oh-okay-okay-okay! Arms tingling, arms tingling! 
:'''Craig''': Chemical emergency! ''[Turns on the alarm]'' 
:'''Mr. Roland''': Let's get him in the power-shower! ''[Grabs Drake and carries him into the chemical shower, as Josh watches in shock]'' 
:'''Drake''': Hey-hey! Watch it, will you-!? What is this!? ''[Roki shuts the door, Mr. Roland turns on the water]'' What are you, what are you-!? AAA-OOHHHH!!!! ''[Starts yelling as the water stingingly washes off the chemicals]''  
:'''Mr. Roland''': Drake, are you alright? 
:'''Drake''': Hey! What is this water!? Ow! ''[Continues yelling as everybody, including Josh, watches]'' 
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Drake has just been in the chemical shower, turns off the water]'' Drake, you may come out now. ''[Drake comes out, all soaked and groaning]'' Sit down, Drake. ''[Drake ignores him, walks towards the door]'' Drake, sit down!
:'''Drake''': No!
:'''Mr. Roland''': Drake!
:'''Drake''': Josh!
:'''Josh''': What?
:'''Drake''': Look, I'm sorry.
:'''Josh''': Well--
:'''Drake''': Look, let me finish, okay? I was wrong, okay? I was wrong.
:'''Josh''': What d'you mean?
:'''Drake''': I-I need you more than you need me. Uh, I-I need you ''way more'' than you need me, a-alright? I'm sorry. M-Man, I'm sorry I made you late for your exam, and I'm sorry I ran over your bike, and I, uh-- I-I'm sorry, I'm probably the worst brother in the world! And y-you know, you're way better off without me, you know? I just-- I just need you to understand that-- uh, I just-- Sorry, Josh, I'm sorry. ''[tearfully walks out of the classroom, leaving Josh stunned]''
:'''Mr. Roland''': Josh, would you like to go talk to Drake?
:'''Josh''': ''[realizes he has gone a little too far for cutting Drake out of his life, seeing how he learned his lesson the hard way]'' No. No, sir.
:'''Mr. Roland''': Alright. Class, let's get back to our experiments. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[As Drake miserably tries to play ping-pong alone, Josh runs in with a kung fu yell, ready to forgive his brother]''
:'''Josh''': Hoaw! We have unfinished business, young sedgewan. 
:'''Drake''': Josh…. 
:'''Josh''': Wa-cho! You will address me only as Master Mon-googoo. ''[Drake cheers up as Josh picks up his paddle]'' 
:'''Drake''': Your words, they are strong. Uh, but your skills are weak!
:'''Josh''': Your foolishness, young sedgewan, has sealed your fate! 
:'''Drake''': Aw, destiny is mine! ''[They play ping-pong ball together and reconcile again happily as the episode ends]''

===Eric Punches Drake===
:'''Mr. Roland''': Josh, Mindy. The new chemistry books just arrived. They're in my classroom. 
:'''Mindy''': No way! 
:'''Josh''': Oh, come on! 
:'''Craig''': Hey, remember in Dragon to Death when Billy Chang fights Joaquin the Dream?
:'''Eric''': Remember? One does not forget the wo-cho fist of silence. ''[Tries to demonstrate, only to accidentally punch Drake in the eye and knock him out in the process]'' Oh, my god! 
:'''Craig''': Drake, are you alright!? 

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
:'''Josh''': Hey, Craig. 
:'''Craig''': Evenin'. 
:'''Josh''': Where's Eric? 
:'''Craig''': Oh, he didn't wanna come. He was afraid Drake might be mad at him 'cause he punched him in the eye. 
:'''Josh''': He's not mad. Drake, you're not mad, are you? 
:'''Drake''': Nah, I'm not mad. Craig didn't mean to hit me. 
:'''Craig''': I'M Craig! 
:'''Drake''': ''[scoffs]'' It matters. 

&lt;hr width =50%&gt; 
:''[door bell rings]'' 
:'''Josh''': Yo, Drake, get that! 
:'''Drake''': Got it. ''[opens the door and finds Mindy there]'' Oh, is it Halloween already? Aren't you a scary, little witch? 
:'''Mindy''': Oh, look at your black eye. Well, I hope it hurts.
:'''Drake''': You shebeast!
:'''Mindy''': Microbrain!
:'''Drake''': Weirdface!
:'''Mindy''': Ignoramus!
:'''Drake''': ''[beat]'' What?
:'''Mindy''': Exactly! 
:'''Chad''': Hey. 
:'''Mindy''': Oh, hey. 
:'''Chad''': Sorry, I had to park the car at the bottom of the hill. 
:'''Mindy''': Oh, no problem. Step aside. ''[both walk inside. Drake suspects Chad to be Mindy's new boyfriend and goes into the kitchen, while Josh and Craig set up the projector]'' 
:'''Drake''': JOSH! 
:'''Josh''': ''[jumps, accidentally flips the projector]'' Aw, now I gotta reset the white balance! 
:'''Drake''': No, I need to talk to you! ''[to Craig]'' Get out. ''[Craig walks out]'' 
:'''Josh''': What? 
:'''Drake''': Mindy's here.  
:'''Josh''': I know, I invited her. 
:'''Drake''': Did you invite ''him?'' ''[turns Josh's head around towards Chad]''  
:'''Josh''': Who's him? 
:'''Drake''': Her date. 
:'''Josh''': ''[shudders]'' I don't care. 
:'''Drake''': Yes, you do!

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
:'''Drake''': Hey, Clayton. 
:'''Clayton''': ''[mumbling]'' Hi. 
:''[Drake slips his mouth-wash, then takes Clayton's water bottle, spits in it, and gives it back to him (possibly as revenge for Drake's chemical incident in the previous episode), to Clayton's disgust. 3 students walk behind Drake, laughing at him]''
:'''Drake''': Hello? 
:'''Boy''': ''[sees Drake's black eye]'' It's true! 
:'''Drake''': Oh, the black eye? Yeah, a little accident. 
:'''Boy''': That's not what we heard. 
:'''Drake''': And what did you hear? 
:'''Boy''': That you're making fun of Eric's sister. 
:'''Girl''': Hey, Drake. I heard you got punched by a nerd. 
:'''Drake''': IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!!! 

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
:'''Crazy Steve''': Excuse me, Josh. 
:'''Josh''': What!? 
:'''Crazy Steve''': I notice you're stacking that candy in an angry way. 
:'''Josh''': I AM angry! Alright, Mindy's over there with her new boyfriend, rubbing him right in my face. 
:'''Crazy Steve''': I just give this a little squeeze... DON'T DRINK WHILE I'M TALKING!!!! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Craig''': ''[pops up from the trash can]'' Hello.
:'''Drake''': ''[screams]'' Craig?
:'''Craig''': Are you alone?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, I'm alone.
:'''Craig''': Good. ''[holds out a bag of pork rinds]'' Pork rind?
:'''Drake''': Sure. ''[takes a pork rind from the bag and starts eating it]'' So you're the one that sent the blimp?
:'''Craig''': That's right.
:'''Drake''': ''[concerned]'' Why would you wanna take down Eric? He's your best friend.
:'''Craig''': WAS my best friend. Now that Eric's Mr. Popular pants and has a hot girlfriend, he doesn't give a rat's hat about me!
:'''Drake''': Rat's hat?
:'''Craig''': ''[furious]'' He's forgotten that I am the one who's been his best friend since we were 7 years old! THAT I'M THE ONE WHO DRIED HIS TEARS WHEN HIS IGUANA GOT DIABETES! THAT I--  
:'''Drake''': ''[He interrupts Craig]'' OKAY, OKAY, I get it, get it, get it. Just tell me how to stop him.
:'''Craig''': Ok, but first you have to promise me something.
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Craig''': I love to sing.
:'''Drake''': ''[confused, steps aside]'' And?
:'''Craig''': And you are like a professional singer.
:'''Drake''': ''[still confused]'' You wanna sing a song with me?
:'''Craig''': I've wanted this for a long time!
:'''Drake''': Ok, ok, if you help me prove Eric's a liar, you can sing a song with me.
:'''Craig''': Excellent. Now, listen carefully. Eric, is a pacifist.
:'''Drake''': I thought he was Jewish.
:'''Craig''': A pacifist is someone who refuses to fight.
:'''Drake''': Okay...
:'''Craig''': So, if you insult Eric in front of a bunch of people, he won't fight back, and then everyone will know he was lying about standing up to you!
:'''Drake''': Uh-huh!
:'''Craig''': And then he won't be popular anymore which means he'll come crawling back to me! And don't forget our song.
:'''Drake''': I won't forget the song.
:'''Craig''': Good, I'll start practicing.
:''[Drake walks away while Craig starts singing in the dumpster behind the school's cafeteria]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': ''[he stops the argument about stacks of cards]'' Okay, you know what?! You know what?! Enough with the cards, alright?! I got big problems!
:'''Josh''': What, that Eric thing?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, he's lying to everybody and ruining my life just to make himself popular. But you know what? 
:'''Josh''': What?
:'''Drake''': I'm gonna go find Eric and punch him right in his little nerdy head!
:'''Josh''': You don't want to do that! ''[grabs him]''
:'''Drake''': Then give me a one good reason.
:'''Josh''': 'Cause it's not gonna help you! Alright? It's just gonna make you look worse or you're gonna handle these things maturely.
:'''Drake''': Kinda like you do with Mindy?!
:'''Josh''': DIFFERENT!!! ''[crosses his arms]''
:'''Drake''': It's not different?
:'''Josh''': Mindy rubbing a new boyfriend in my face is an outrage, OUTRAGE!!!
:'''Drake''': And Eric wrecking my life isn't?!
:'''Josh''': I'm not saying it's not bro, but look you gotta help me with-- ''[the doorbell interrupts them as Drake opens the door and Clayton talks to Drake and Josh about what Drake did to his water]''
:'''Clayton''': ''[worried, mumbling]'' Why?
:''[Josh points to Drake and tells him to close the door. Drake awkwardly locks the door as he and Josh cool off]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chad''': Do you guys have free refills on the ginger ale?
:'''Josh''': Oh, you want some ginger ale do you? Yeah, Chad can't get enough of his precious ginger ale!! Oh, No! Well, I'll tell you what, Chad!!! Why not call up the ginger ale headquarters and have them back up a tanker truck to your mouth!? So Chad can drink ginger ale til' there's no more ginger ale for the REST OF THE EARTH'S POPULATION!!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[after Josh becomes obnoxious that Mindy has a new boyfriend, she comes over to check on him]''
:'''Josh''': What do you except? I mean, I know we're broken up, but that doesn’t give you the right to rub your new boyfriend in my face.
:'''Mindy''': He's not my boyfriend.
:'''Josh''': Look, I don't care what you call him-
:'''Mindy''': He's my cousin.
:'''Josh''': Your cousin?
:'''Mindy''': Yeah. I'm not dating anyone. He just moved here from St. Louis, so I've been showing him around.
:'''Josh''': Why didn't you tell me that?
:'''Mindy''': I tried, you never gave me a chance.
:'''Josh''': So tonight, you were just messing with my head? 
:'''Mindy''': I think you deserved it after the way you screamed at me. 
:'''Josh''': I still think that was a really obnoxious thing for you to do! 
:'''Mindy''': I think you acted ''way'' more obnoxious. 
:'''Josh''': Well, I'm just glad we're broken up! 
:'''Mindy''': Not as glad as I am! 
:'''Josh''': Oh, really?! 
:'''Mindy''': REALLY! ''[they make out]''
:'''Josh''': We're still broken up, right?
:'''Mindy''': Definitely.
:''[they continue to make out]''

===Megan's Revenge===
:''[Drake and Josh are in Megan's room]''
:'''Drake''': Now, put Megan's camera back where you found this. Being in her room creeps me out.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, me, too. ''[looks at Megan's hamster]'' Awww. Look at Megan's hamster. He's washing his little face.
:'''Drake''': Look, let's just get out of here.
:'''Josh''': Just wait. This is too cute. I gotta get a picture of him.
:'''Drake''': Well, hurry.
:'''Josh''': Okay! Smile, Hervay. 
:''[Hervay falls down from the camera shot Josh took]''
:'''Drake''': Awww. He's playing dead.
:'''Josh''': I think he really is dead!
:'''Drake''': Oh! That hamster cannot be dead. If that hamster is dead, we're dead because Megan’s gonna kill us!
:'''Josh''': W-W-What can I do about it?
:'''Drake''': I don't know your watch o.r.! Fix him.
:'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' Okay, okay. Um, alright, I need a CBC, uh, a chem seven chest phone.
:'''Drake''': Just give him CPU!
:'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' Alright! ''[takes out Hervay from his cage]'' See what everybody say with me!
:'''Drake''': Okay.
:'''Josh''': ''[blows on Hervay's mouth]'' 1 1,000 , 2 1,000 , 3 1,000 , BREATHE! ''[blows on Hervay's mouth again and tries to pick him up but fails]'' That's it. 10:22, I'm calling it!
:'''Drake''': NO! ''[runs up to Hervay and blows his mouth]'' 
:'''Josh''': ''[gaves Drake backwards]'' HE'S GONE!
:'''Drake''': Josh, Megan is going to kill us!
:'''Josh''': Maybe she won't. Maybe she'll understand.
:'''Drake''': Think about it. Megan does horrible horrible things to us every day for no reason. Now, SHE HAS A REASON!
:'''Josh''': WE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!
:''[Drake quickly puts the camera in her drawer and Josh puts Hervay back in his room as they leave Megan's room fast]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Drake''': Ow! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Megan uses a remote to create a hole on the floor to make Drake and Josh fall to the garage from their bedroom]''
:'''Megan''': Okay, that was good revenge, too. And by the way, you didn't kill Hervay. The camera flash just stunned. He's fine, see? ''[shows Drake and Josh her pet hamster Hervay who is still alive]''
:'''Drake and Josh''': MEGAN!

===Steered Straight===
:'''Josh''': Man, we can't get into the Reptile Room ''[nightclub]''. You have to be over 21.
:'''Drake''': You are, Mr... ''[pulls out fake ID]'' Yakitori!
:'''Josh''': ''[takes fake ID and looks at it]'' What's this?
:'''Drake''': Fake ID, here, check mine out. ''[takes out his own fake ID and gives it to Josh]''
:'''Josh''': ''[reads the name on Drake's fake ID]'' Jefferson Steelflex?
:'''Drake''': ''[laughs]'' Yeah, made it up.
:'''Josh''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, REALLY! So you're suggesting that we use fake IDs to get into a nightclub posing as... ''[reads the names on the IDs again]'' Jefferson Steelflex and Alvin Yakitori?
:'''Drake''': Yep. And, hey, we gotta be there before 10:30 because I'm pretty sure...
:'''Josh''': It's illegal to use fake IDs!
:'''Drake''': Yeah, well, it's illegal to rob banks, but people do it!
:'''Josh''': Yes, people who are BANK ROBBERS!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[after Blaze has gone]''
:'''Josh''': Are you CRAZY?! What if Mom, Dad or Megan are downstairs?
:'''Drake''': Look, both of the cars are gone, alright? So nobody's home.
:'''Josh''': Good. Oh, quick. Quick, let's call the cops before he comes back.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, right, right, right, right.
:'''Josh''': Okay.
:'''Drake''': Uh...
:'''Josh''': Uh, alright. ''[pushes the phone with his head and he and Drake struggle to call the police]'' Alright, work together. Teamwork.
:'''Drake''': Okay.
:'''Josh''': Teamwork.
:'''Drake''': Alright.
:'''Josh''': To the left.
:'''Drake''': Ow!
:'''Josh''': To the--
:'''Drake''': Grab it.
:'''Josh''': Alright. ''[the phone slides away from him and Drake]'' Teamworking.
:'''Drake''': Grab it. Alright, press the 9, man.
:'''Josh''': Oh, this isn't gonna work.
:'''Drake''': Alright. Fine, fine, here. ''[puts it behind him]'' I'll hold it behind my back, you dial it with your nose.
:'''Josh''': I'm not sticking my nose down there.
:'''Drake''': Would you rather take your chances with a vicious criminal?
:'''Josh''': I think so.
:'''Drake''': Oh, just dial the number.
:'''Josh''': Alright. ''[presses the 9 button with his nose]'' 9. ''[then the 1 button]'' 1. 
:''[sneezes on the phone and Drake lets go of it]''
:'''Drake''': Aw, man. You sneezed on my palm.
:'''Josh''': It is allergy season. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:'''Criminal''': It's some goofy-looking dude in a really bad shirt. 
:'''Drake and Josh''': Dad.

===Megan's First Kiss=== 
:'''Josh''': Thanks for the tip, dad! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:'''Megan''': Um, what are you doing this Saturday night?
:'''Drake''': Going to a concert at the Mega Dome.
:'''Josh''': Why?
:'''Drake''': 'Cause we bought tickets.
:'''Josh''': ''[to Drake]'' Not you! ''[to Megan]'' Why do you wanna know what we're doing Saturday night?
:'''Megan''': I don't care what you're doing.
:'''Drake''': But you just asked us.
:'''Megan''': Or, maybe you, just asked yourselves! Yeah. Think about that... ''[Megan leaves the room smiling]''
:'''Drake''': Okay I wanna know what her deal is!
:'''Josh''': Yeah, yeah, yeah she's up to something!
:'''Drake''': Yeah, first she hangs up the phone, pretends to not be talking to anybody.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, and she measures our necks and asks of our social plans.
:'''Drake''': Wait, she said we asked ourselves about that.
:'''Josh''': Really, you're not a smart boy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake and Josh walk into the Premiere disguised as Jews]''
:'''Drake''': Okay, all I'm saying is, the next time we need disguises, I'm getting them!
:'''Josh''': I told you, the costume shop was closed, the temple was open! And these are good disguises.
:'''Drake''': I don't even know what accent to talk with. 
:'''Josh''': Doesn't matter, just sound foreign.
:'''Helen''': Can I help you gentlemen find something?
:'''Josh''': ''[Irish accent]'' Top of the mornin to ya, how are ya? Potata!
:'''Helen''': Potato?
:'''Drake''': ''[Irish accent]'' Come along, Pontiac.
:'''Josh''': Yes, let's go observe the mulberry bush!
:'''Drake''': Pip pip da doodly-doo!
:'''Helen''': Pip pip da doodly-doo! I'm gonna start sayin that. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Megan''': I love you guys.

===The Battle of Panthatar===
:''[Opening comments: Drake and Josh ask themselves random questions]''
:'''Drake''': Hello, what's your name?
:'''Josh''': Hi! Who are you?
:'''Drake''': What is your favorite thing to eat?
:'''Josh''': What games do you like to play?
:'''Drake and Josh''': Me, too!
:'''Drake''': Hey, do you like me?
:'''Josh''': Do you wanna be my friend?
:'''Drake''': Aw, thank you!
:'''Josh''': ... What is that supposed to mean?
:'''Drake''': You think I'm handsome? What a special thing to say!
:'''Josh''': What? Who are you calling a dork? Hey hey hey hey! Go fetch your mother! Yeah I'm talking to you!
:'''Drake''': A present? For me?
:'''Josh''': Alright just put your kid right in front of the TV set because I have a few things to say!
:'''Drake''': ''[holding a handed a plate of cookies]'' A plate of cookies? Ohh, yummy!
:'''Josh''': I-I think it's pretty rude to tell a person that he's a --''[boy spits in his eye]''... did you just... you spit in my eye!
:'''Drake''': Mmm... these are my favorite!
:'''Josh''': Ohh, it burns! Aghh! Aghh!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:'''Thornton''': What's up, Nicholas? 

:'''Thronton''': MARIA!!! 
:'''Maria''': Thronton! 
:'''Josh''': Free popcorn??? 

:'''Thronton''': What's the matter with you!? 

:'''Josh''': ''[sobs]'' 
:'''Crazy Steve''': Excuse me! No yelling in the theater area. 
:'''Lady''': Excuse me, where's the ladies' restroom? 
:'''Crazy Steve''': I AM TALKING TO PEOPLE!!! 
:'''Thornton''': UNINVITED!!!! ''[storms away]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:''[Drake enters his and Josh's room]''
:'''Drake''': Hey.
:'''Josh''': Well? Did you go to Thornton's house? Did you apologize?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, I went to Thornton's house, and I apologized.
:'''Josh''': Well, perfect, and?
:'''Drake''': He had his housekeeper kick me out, then he hit me with a broom, and I fell down some brick stairs.
:'''Josh''': ''[groans]'' I really wanted to go to that party. Why do you ruin everything?
:'''Drake''': Don't worry, alright? I'm gonna figure a way to get even with that Thornton.
:'''Josh''': I don't wanna get even. ''[whining]'' I WANNA GO TO THAT BIRTHDAY PARTY!
:'''Drake''': Bro, Thornton hates us.
:'''Josh''': Well, let's make him love us again.
:'''Drake''': I tried.
:'''Josh''': Well, maybe we can... ''[notices Drake's autographed [[The Beatles|Beatles]] ''Abbey Road'' album]'' Hey. Isn't Thornton a huge Beatles fan?
:'''Drake''': Well, yeah, but I don't see what that has to do-- [realizes what Josh means] Oh, no, no. No way. ''[hides it in his arms]'' Don't even think about it.
:'''Josh''': I'm telling you, if we give him that album--
:'''Drake''': Absolutely not.
:'''Josh''': I guarantee you he'll re-invite us.
:'''Drake''': Dude, I love this album more than I love myself.
:'''Josh''': Dude.
:'''Drake''': Okay, but I love this album a lot. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:'''Thornton''': Hey! Drake and Josh are not invited! I want them outta here!

===[[w:Really Big Shrimp|Really Big Shrimp]]===
&lt;small&gt;Note: This episode was an hour long.&lt;/small&gt;
:'''Crazy Steve''': ''[looks at his watch]'' It's time! ''[he steals old man's cane and starts chasing Josh]'' You ate my enchilada!
:'''Josh''': There was no note!
:'''Crazy Steve''': You ate my enchilada!
:'''Josh''': There was no note! 
:'''Crazy Steve''': You ate my enchilada! 
:'''Josh''': I thought we settled this! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Audrey''': ''[hears doorbell; talking about Helen and Lula]'' Walter, they're here.
:'''Walter''': Ooh. ''[walks before the front door]''
:'''Megan''': Dad, are you sure about this?
:'''Walter''': Yes. And we are doing a very nice thing for a sweet old lady. ''[Lula breaks the door in] ''
:'''Lula''': Where's the bathroom?!
:'''Audrey''': Did you just break our door in?!
:'''Lula''': I rang the doorbell, waited 25 seconds, no one answered, what I supposed to do?
:'''Josh''': You could've rang the doorbell, again.
:'''Lula''': ''[to Helen]'' Who's that boy with a big head that looks like a tooth pick with a cantaloupe on top? ''[Megan laughs and Josh give her a furious look]''
:'''Megan''': What, am I going to pretend that wasn't funny?
:'''Helen''': That's Josh, he works with me at the Premeire. ''[introduces everyone else]'' That's Drake, I prefer him. That's Megan, that's Mrs. Parker (Audrey), and this is...''[forgets who Walter is]''
:'''Walter''': Walter!
:'''Lula''': Great, now where's the bathroom?!
:'''Audrey''': Right through that door.
:'''Lula''': Well, thank you for finally giving me that information! ''[walks into bathroom and slams door]''
:'''Audrey''': Is she always so--? 
:'''Helen''': Buh-bye! ''[goes away]''
:'''Megan''': I can't believe that lady is staying in our guest room for a week.
:'''Walter''': No, she's staying in your room.
:'''Megan''': What?!
:'''Audrey''': You'll be staying in the boys' room.
:'''Drake, Josh and Megan''': What?!
:'''Josh''': This is an outrage!
:'''Drake''': What are we gonna stay?
:'''Walter''': ''[to Drake and Josh]'' Your room is huge. The three of you will be fine for a week.
:'''Megan''': Aw, this is horrible.
:'''Walter''': It's not that bad.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Megan''': Fine, I'll tell him. Josh, Molly thinks you're cute.
:'''Megan's Friends''': Eww!
:''[Josh walks out of the room]''
:'''Molly''': Call me!!
:'''Megan's Friends''': Eww!
:''[Josh peeks his head back through the door]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake arrives home]''
:'''Audrey''': Super Bowl's on.
:'''Drake''': I don't care.
:'''Josh''': Come on, the commercial's up in about two minutes. You gotta watch. It's your song.
:'''Drake''': It's not my song. It's horrible bubble-gum pop garbage-y badness. That 50,000,000 people are about to hear. I'll be on the roof.
:'''Josh''': Why?
:'''Drake''': Because you're not there. ''[walks away]''
:'''Josh''': Drake! ''[runs off to Drake]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crazy Steve''': Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in...
:'''Lula''': ''[annoyed]'' I know how to breathe!
:'''Crazy Steve''': ''[screaming]'' '''''JUST DO WHAT I SAY!'''''
:'''Lula''': ''[scared]'' Okay. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mindy''': ''[Yells after Crazy Steve goes insane]'' Help! Crazy Steve's gone berserk! 
:'''Josh &amp; Helen''': Crazy Steve!? 
:'''Mindy''': WHO ELSE!? 
:'''Josh''': But it's Monday, you can't schedule Crazy Steve to work on a Monday! 
:'''Helen''': Monday's his bad day! 
:'''Mindy''': Well, no one TOLD me that!!! 
:'''Crazy Steve''': ''[waving nutted shoes]'' CUCKADOODLEDOO, THE COW SAYS MOO!!! 

I want the shrimp.

===Helicopter=== 
:'''Vince''': That's S.P.L.A.T.. 
:'''Drake''': That's spelled splat. 
:'''Vince''': Oh, man. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:''[Drake and Josh try to wake up Vince]''
:'''Josh''': Hey, hey. He's awake.
:'''Drake''': You're awake!
:'''Vince''': ''[wakes up]'' Oh, what happened? How long I been out?
:'''Drake''': About 10 minutes. 
:'''Vince''': Oh, I remember. You clowns were fighting over this parachute. ''[holds his head]'' Oh, what'd I hit my head on?
:'''Josh''': This fire extinguisher.
:'''Vince''': Oh.
:'''Josh''': See, I'm pretty sure you hit your head right on this lever-- ''[he accidentally sprays Vince with a fire extinguisher and Vince screams outside after he pranked him]''
:'''Drake''': ''[angrily]'' Do you know what you just did?!
:'''Josh''': ''[worried]'' I extinguished our pilot?
:'''Drake''': ''[angrily]'' No, he has a parachute! You've extinguished us!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Vince angrily arrives at Drake and Josh's house after Drake and Josh blasted him out of the helicopter]''
:'''Vince''': You blasted me out of my own helicopter.
:'''Drake &amp; Josh''': Wha-- shh!
:'''Drake''': Not in front of our parents.
:'''Audrey''': Who is it?
:'''Drake &amp; Josh''': Uh--
:'''Drake''': Some, crazy, guy.
:''[Josh whistles]''
:'''Walter''': ''[to Audrey]'' I'll handle this. ''[he walks over to Vince]'' How can I help you?
:'''Vince''': Are you their father?
:'''Walter''': Yes. ''[Vince angrily gives him a bill]'' What's this?
:'''Vince''': ''[angrily]'' A bill. That's how much you owe me for my new helicopter.
:'''Walter''': What? ''[looks at the bill Vince gave him how much he needs to pay for his helicopter]'' '''''$400,000?!'''''
:''[Audrey and Megan are both shocked]''
:'''Drake''': ''[as Walter]'' Boys, you're both grounded.
:'''Josh''': But, Dad--
:'''Drake''': ''[as Walter]'' Grounded, two weeks.
:'''Josh''': But it wasn't our fault!
:'''Drake''': ''[as Walter]'' Upstairs.
:'''Josh''': ''[defeated]'' Yes, sir.
:'''Drake''': Night.
:'''Josh''': Night.
:''[knowing the consequences, Drake and Josh ground themselves for two weeks as the episode ends]''

===Dance Contest===
:'''Eric''': So, uh, Josh, thanks for throwing me this... great party.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, this is quite a party. Hope the neighbors don't call the cops on us.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:'''Stage director''': STOP IT! ''[multiple times]'' Perhaps, you ladies didn't read the rules: you fight, you're out! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Drake and Josh''': ''[last lines]'' Who is she?

==External links==

{{wikipedia|Drake &amp; Josh}}

[[Category:Drake &amp; Josh seasons]]
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]</text>
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:'''Seasons:'''  [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 1|1]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 2|2]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 3|3]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 4|4]] | [[Drake &amp; Josh|Main]]
----
'''''[[w:Drake &amp; Josh|Drake &amp; Josh]]''''' is an American television sitcom created by Dan Schneider for Nickelodeon. The series follows the lives of two teenage boys with opposite personalities, Drake Parker (Drake Bell) and Josh Nichols (Josh Peck), who are stepbrothers.

===Josh Runs Into Oprah===
:''[Megan opens up Josh's birthday cake]''
:'''Josh''': You made me a birthday cake?
:'''Megan''': Uh-huh. Mom gave me the recipe. I think it turned out pretty good. There.
:'''Josh''': Wow! This is really full of poison, isn't it?
:'''Megan''': No!
:'''Josh''': No, what then, huh, huh, huh, hot sauce some kind of extreme laxident?
:'''Megan''': Oh, c'mon! I wouldn't let you eat a cake that make you sick on your birthday.
:'''Josh''': I'm sorry.
:'''Megan''': It's okay. Make a wish. ''[Josh blows out the birthday candles from his cake as it exploded and he turns around to Megan as he had cake pieces on his face when she pranked him]'' I didn't say it wouldn't explode!
:'''Josh''': I don't blame you so much for doing it, as I blame myself for not anticipating it.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:'''Drake''': Hey, WATCH IT, WATCH IT!!! ''[Josh screams]'' 
:''[Oprah screams as they accidentally hit her and she jumps onto the front of their car and slides off, much to Josh's horror]'' 
:'''Woman''': OPRAH!!! Oh, my god! Oprah! Somebody call for help! 
:'''Josh''': I RAN OVER OPRAH!!! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Josh angrily comes home from the hospital after Drake pranked the whole hospital thinking Josh has a virus, which in return, causes him to get a chemical bath]''
:'''Drake''': Hey, man.
:'''Josh''': ''HEY, MAN''?!
:'''Drake''': Hey... man?
:'''Josh''': You left me at hospital to be chemicaLY bathed!
:'''Drake''': Oh, yeah, how'd it go?
:'''Josh''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, actually, it was quite soothing especially the part where they...OH, IT WAS HORRIBLE!!
:'''Drake''': Kay, what up with the 'tude?
:'''Josh''': D'you know what its like to get an involuntry chemical bath? it stings...''EVERYWHERE''!
:'''Drake''': Alright, look. Tell you what, I'm going to make up to you, okay?
:'''Josh''': No. Okay, no you're not, because that's when the badness happens. The only time you do anything nice to me is after you caused me some kind of physical damage or emotional distress! You are never going to make up anything to me ever again!
:'''Drake''': Wait, do these sound okay to you? ''[Drake plays his Bongos for Josh to try to cheer him up, but Josh rips the taped up Bongos then leaves]'' Would you bring me the hot glue gun?
:'''Josh''': NOT REALLY! ''[slams the door]''

===Vicious Tiberius===
:''[Drake and Josh found out that their dad did not answer the phone because he was working out at home singing]''
:'''Drake''': Well?
:'''Josh''': No answer.
:'''Drake''': You probably dialed the wrong number. Let me see it--
:'''Josh''': No, I think I know our own number.
:'''Drake''': Dude, just let me try-- ''[he and Josh both fight with Josh's phone and it lands in the toilet]'' Nice! ''[sees Josh's phone in the toilet]''
:'''Josh''': It's your fault. Go get it.
:'''Drake''': I'm not putting my hand in there! That's where Mrs. Hayfer pees!
:'''Josh''': Probably doesn't even work anymore.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, well, let's see. ''[flushes Josh's phone away]'' It still works.
:'''Josh''': I knew the toilet still worked, Drake. I MEANT MY PHONE!
:'''Drake''': Oh, well, that's gone.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Megan''': ''[offscreen]'' Hello? Anybody home?
:'''Josh''': Who's that?
:'''Drake''': It sounds like Megan.
:'''Megan''': ''[offscreen]'' Drake? Josh?
:'''Josh''': That ''is'' Megan, how does she know? Oh, no, she's outside with Tiberius!
:'''Drake''': Oh, he'll eat her alive!
:'''Josh''': C'mon! ''[tries to open the door but Drake puts his foot on the door]'' Dude!
:'''Drake''': ''[blocks the door]'' Well, just 'cause she gets eaten, doesn't mean we have to.
:'''Josh''': That's our little sister out there, we've gotta help her!
:'''Drake''': Alright.
:'''Josh''': C'mon. ''[he and Drake come out of the bathroom and see Megan in the living room to reveal that Tiberius is behaving as he loud whispers]'' Megan! Run!
:'''Megan''': I don't wanna run.
:'''Drake''': ''[loud whisper]'' But he's vicious.
:'''Megan''': Yeah, he's real vicious. Ooh, down, boy. You're so scary.
:''[Drake and Josh walk by to her]''
:'''Josh''': I don't get it. Well, he's all calm.
:'''Drake''': Evil dog, evil girl. Makes perfect sense.
:'''Megan''': Where have you two been? You were supposed to pick me up two hours ago.
:'''Josh''': How'd you know we were here?
:'''Megan''': Dad said you were stopping here and then picking me up, which you didn't.
:'''Josh''': We couldn't.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, we were trapped here by this demon dog.
:'''Megan''': What're you talking about?
:'''Josh''': When you're not around, he goes all berserk and tries to kill us.
:'''Megan''': Really?
:'''Drake and Josh''': Yeah/Uh-huh.
:'''Megan''': ''[satisfied]'' See ya.
:''[after Megan leaves the house, Tiberius traps Drake and Josh in the bathroom again]''

===The Wedding===
:''[Opening comments: Drake and Josh talk about how unpleasant their great aunt Catherine is and both are in agreement that she is quite unpleasant]''
:'''Josh''': So, me and Drake have this Great Aunt Catherine.
:'''Drake''': Have you ever met my Great Aunt Catherine? No? Well, hey. Lucky you.
:'''Josh''': She's almost 90 years old.
:'''Drake''': She's like 90,000 years old.
:'''Josh''': She's not nice!
:'''Drake''': She is mean. ''[gets closer to the viewers]'' Mean to the ''bone''!
:'''Josh''': Something's not right about Aunt Catherine.
:'''Drake''': She collects hair... from people she doesn't even know well!
:'''Josh''': Oh, and get this.
:'''Drake and Josh''': Aunt Catherine's getting married!
:'''Josh''': I mean, who wants to get married at 89 years old?
:'''Drake''': You know, Josh and I disagree on a lot of stuff, but I bet he hates Aunt Catherine just as much as I do.
:'''Josh''': I wonder if Drake hates Aunt Catherine as much as I do. ''[turns to Drake]'' Do ya?
:'''Drake''': Totally.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Josh''': Why are you in such a hurry?
:'''Drake''': 'Cause I want Aunt Catherine's beach house, bad.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, so do I.
:'''Drake''': Well, we can't be late for the wedding, and we have to pick up the cake.
:'''Josh''': Dude, we got plenty of time, alright? Just as long as we get to the bakery before... ''[notices his laptop case gone]'' Hey, have you seen my laptop case? I thought I left it right here.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, I gave it to Craig and Eric.
:'''Josh''': You... You what?!
:'''Drake''': They told me you said it was cool.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, I said it was cool for 'em to borrow my computer, but why'd you give them the whole case? It had my cell phone in it and my keys to Mom's SUV! Now we have no car!
:'''Drake''': Well, I'll just call Craig and Eric and tell them to come back.
:'''Josh''': No, we can't. They don't have cell phones.
:'''Drake''': Why?
:'''Josh''': 'Cause Papa Nichols threw Eric's against the wall and broke it, and Craig's mom thinks cell phones cause ear sores!
:'''Drake''': Craig does get a lot of ear sores.
:'''Josh''': Look, we cannot be late to this wedding!
:'''Drake''': Right, okay, um... Trevor!
:'''Josh''': What about Trevor?
:'''Drake''': We'll borrow his car.
:'''Josh''': His girlfriend sleeps in it.
:'''Drake''': No, they broke up. She sleeps in some other guy's car now.
:'''Josh''': I don't wanna go to a wedding in Trevor's El Camino, it's old and gross.
:'''Drake''': So is Aunt Catherine.
:'''Josh''': Drake, if we--
:'''Drake''': Look, it runs, and the wedding cake will fit in the back. And the most important thing is it'll get us there on time. ''[starts calling Trevor on the phone]'' 

===Mindy Loves Josh===
:'''Josh''': What do you want?
:'''Megan''': There's a couple of guys outside stealing  your bike.
:'''Josh''': Oh I just moved the chain, HANDS OFF MY RIDE! ''[runs outside]'' Hey!
:'''Mindy''': Maybe, I should have call the police.
:'''Megan''': Nah, no ones stealing his bike.
:'''Mindy''': What did you tell him that for? You got him all upset for nothing.
:'''Megan''': Yeah. 

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
Megan: What are you eating? 
Drake: Big cookie. 

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
Josh: Mindy, I am in the process of becoming a woman, so I worried… 
Drake: JOSH!!! OH, MY GOD, JOSH!!!! 
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Megan comes inside Drake and Josh's room and tells Drake her truth after making his hands green (when she saw Drake eating her cookie)]''
:'''Drake''': Oh, it's you. Close the door!
:'''Megan''': ''[closes the door and walks up to Drake]'' What's going on?
:'''Drake''': Swear not to tell mom and dad?
:'''Megan''': Swear.
:'''Drake''': Well, I've have this rare skin disease called dermatameculitis.
:'''Megan''': ''[gasps]'' Oh my god! Are you okay?
:'''Drake''': I will be. See, I read online that you can cure it by soaking in zipholic acid which is in lizard pee.
:'''Megan''': Or you know there is another cure.
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Megan''': Next time, don't eat my big cookie.
:'''Drake''': What are you saying?
:'''Megan''': I tricked you into thinking you have a rare skin disease by dying your hands and feet green while you slept and that you were stupid enough to actually fall for it and stick your hands and feet in buckets in lizard pee. That what I'm saying.
:'''Drake''': Megan!
:'''Megan''': You have a little somethin' on your upper lip.
:''[Drake touches his upper lip with his green hand and suffers from it as Megan leaves his and Josh's room]''
:'''Drake''': Wait!
:'''Megan''': What?
:'''Drake''': Is it gone?
:''[Megan leaves the room]''

===Who's Got Game?===
:'''Carly''': ''[walks up to Drake]'' Help you find something?
:'''Drake''': Oh no, I got- ''[turns to see her]'' No, I got it.
:'''Carly''': Sparks, nice. Yes, I saw them live last week at &quot;The Phyton&quot;.
:'''Drake''': No way, I was there.
:'''Carly''': Oh, yeah, you were that guy in the crowd listening.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, that was me!
:'''Carly''': I was kidding.
:'''Drake''': Me, too.
:'''Carly''': Come on, I'll ring you up.
:'''Drake''': Okay.
:''[they both walk up to the cashier's desk]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Josh''': ''[walks up to Drake]'' Well, while you keep kissing your new girlfriend, I'm going to go back home and move my special pillow onto your bed.
:'''Drake''': What? ''[turns around to Josh]''
:'''Josh''': Well, I've had 22 dates this you week and you've only had one.
:'''Drake''': Okay, yeah. I guess you get my bed. Alright, you win.
:'''Josh''': I win? I GOT MORE GIRLS THAN DRAKE!! ''[laughs]'' JOSH NICHOLS IS NO LONGER A LITTLE CATERPILLAR, AH, HE IS A BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY!! ''[flaps wings for a while then stops out of embarrassment]'' See you guys at home. ''[walks away]''

===The Great Doheny===
:'''Josh''': Uh, Megan. This is Henry Doheny. I'm gonna go make him a sandwich with some crinko cup fries and you keep him company. ''[runs off to make Doheny his sandwich]''
:'''Megan''': Henry Doheny. Didn't you use to be like a really famous magician?
:'''Henry Doheny''': Hmmm. ''[pretends to think]''  Why don't you, reach into, ''[points to trash can and Megan looks at it]'' that decorative trash can and tell me.
:'''Megan''': ''[looks at him, searches through the trash-can, picks out old papers than a bunny, and gasps]'' A bunny!
:'''Henry Doheny''': Her name is Cookie, if you hold her close, she'll lick your nose.
:'''Megan''': ''[puts Cookie to her face and Cookie begins to lick her as she laughs]'' Oh my god, this is the cutest bunny I've ever seen! Can I keep her?
:'''Henry Doheny''': I insist!
:'''Megan''': Thanks! ''[goes to her room, admiring Cookie]''
:'''Henry Doheny''': ''[To Drake]'' Pick a card!
:'''Drake''': ''[picks a card]'' Now what?
:'''Henry Doheny''': Now, put it back. ''[Drake gives the card back and he takes the deck into his jacket]''
:'''Drake''': ''[looks at Doheny with a weird gaze]'' What's my card?
:'''Henry Doheny''': Cough. ''[Drake coughs out a card]'' Open it. ''[Drake does so and Doheny isn't even looking]'' Is that your card?
:'''Drake''': Yeah. Please do me a favor and don't make things come outta my body.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Walter''': ''[looking himself in the mirror after Doheny made him bald]'' Ahh! Check me out! I'm bald. ''[leaving the room]'' Honey, Mr. Doheny made me bald!

===I Love Sushi===
:'''Josh''': ''[presses record button on video camera remote for filming contest entry video]'' Dear pump my room, this is our living room.
:'''Drake''': A room, in which we live. 
:'''Josh''': Um, we really wish we'd win this makeover.
:'''Drake''': But not for us.
:'''Josh''': For our parents.
:'''Drake''': We call them, &quot;Mom and Dad&quot;.
:'''Josh''': You see, my dad married his mom almost five years ago.
:'''Drake''': I am still in shock.
:'''Josh''': And soon, it'll be their fifth anniversary.
:'''Drake''': ''[sheepishly]'' Still in shock.
:'''Josh''': Now, we can't afford to buy them anything fancy.
:'''Drake''': So we pray that you wonderful people at Pump my Room choose us.
:'''Josh''': Eh, our parents.
:'''Drake''': For the special gift, of a room makeover. ''[desperately]'' Please.
:'''Josh''': ''[desperately]'' Please. ''[Drake and Josh both embrace each other, drake grabs for the remote to end the video recording]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Josh''': Okay, mom and dad. Here it comes.
:'''Drake''': Who's ready to go inside?
:'''Audrey''': What is up with you guys?
:'''Walter''': Yeah, you kept us out all day driving all over the city.
:'''Drake''': Get ready. ''[he opens the door as he, Josh, Walter, and Audrey come inside the house]''
:'''Drake and Josh''': HAPPY ANNIVERS- ''[they turn on the lights to reveal that the furniture in the living room has been stolen]'' -''[lamely]'' sery.
:'''Walter''': Drake?
:'''Audrey''': Josh!
:'''Walter''': Where's our stuff?
:'''Josh''': We've been robbed!
:'''Drake''': ''[curious]'' Surprise!
:''[Walter and Audrey both get shocked after all of the furniture from the living room disappeared]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Drake Parker. Josh Nichols. ''[Drake and Josh come in Mr. Nadel's office]'' What do you want?
:'''Josh''': We understand that you give people temporary jobs?
:'''Mr. Nadel''': So?
:'''Josh''': And we'd like one.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': And I'd like to meet with another woman who doesn't change her phone number after the first date.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, well good luck with that.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Ok, what are your skills?
:'''Drake''': I play guitar and date girls.
:'''Josh''': Well, I'm an honor student. I'm pretty good with magic tricks, I can cook. Oh, in the 5th grade I was vote most polite child-
:'''Mr. Nadel''': ''[yells]'' NO! THAT'S ENOUGH! ''[in a normal voice]'' Well, let's see, I've got men's room attendant, ditch digger, or you could clean up after elephants at the zoo?
:'''Drake''': Wow, they all sound so wonderful.
:'''Josh''': Do you gave any jobs that are, you know... not repulsive?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, and we want one that pays a lot.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Sure, and I wanna meet a woman who doesn't change her phone number after the first date.
:'''Josh''': You already said that.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': ''[yelling]'' WELL IT HAPPENS EVERY TIME! I MEAN WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!
:'''Drake''': We just want jobs.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Alright look, I got two jobs working the line at a fish factory. Not glamorous enough for you?
:'''Josh''': Well, what would we have to do?
:'''Mr. Nadel''': You'd be assembling packages of sushi for distribution to local supermarkets. Pays 18 bucks an hour. Each.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, we'll take it.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Good. Happy. Happy. Here's the address. Be there Saturday morning 8:00.
:'''Drake:''' 8:00?
:'''Josh''': We'll be there.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Yeah, yeah.
:''[Drake and Josh leave Mr. Nadel's office; Nadel types in numbers on his phone from a piece of paper]''
:'''Phone''': The number you have reached has been disconnected
:'''Mr. Nadel''': ''[bangs on desk]'' EVERY TIME! Stupid lotion! ''[knocks a bottle of lotion on the floor]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': Look man, we tried our best I can't think of anything else...
:''[Drake and Josh realize they're sitting on the couch and feel it to make sure they're not dreaming Josh looks around and sees everything back in the living room]''
:'''Josh''': The Furniture's back!
:'''Drake''': We did it!
:'''Josh''': We didn't do anything!
:'''Audrey''': Howdy, boys.
:'''Walter''': Surprised?
:'''Josh''': Yeah! How'd you get our furniture back?
:'''Audrey''': The police found the robbers moving van.
:'''Walter''': It was broken down about a half a mile up the street.
:'''Drake''': And they found everything?
:'''Walter''': Yep.
:'''Audrey''': It's all here. ''[smells rotten stench on Drake and Josh]'' Do I smell rotting sushi?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, it's a long story.
:'''Josh''': Uh see we...
:'''Walter''': ''[cuts Josh off at mid sentence]'' We don't want to know.

===The Storm===
:''[Drake hits Eric in the chest and notices Lucy]''
:'''Eric''': Ow.
:'''Drake''': That's Lucy, my ex-girlfriend. Josh invited my ex-girlfriend?
:'''Eric''': Well, yeah. When we were going over the gas list, Josh said you and Lucy were still friends.
:'''Drake''': Well, we are, but I invited Carly. I can't have my current girlfriend and my ex-girlfriend at the same party. You want the universe to explode? Man, what am I gonna--? ''[hits Eric in the chest again and notices Christine]'' 
:'''Eric''': Ow!
:'''Drake''': Christine? How many of my ex-girlfriends are here?
:'''Eric''': Just those two. I hope. Or else I'm gonna need chest replacement surgery!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': ''[after being on the phone with Josh]'' That was Josh.
:'''Julio''': They cancelled the concert?
:'''Drake''': The whole stage is underwater.
:'''Gary''': My uncle's got a boat!
:'''Drake''': That's great, Gary. Why don't ya climb into your uncle's boat and SAIL OFF TO MORON ISLAND?!!! 

&lt;hr width=“50%”&gt; 
:'''Crazy Steve''': C'MON, DORA!!!

===My Dinner with Bobo===
:''[Drake and Josh and Megan get a car]''
:'''Megan''': ''[looking at a car with tattooed flowers]'' Oh my god! I love this car! Let's buy this one!
:'''Drake''': Shall we harmonize?
:'''Josh''': Let's.
:'''Drake and Josh''': ''[singing]'' No!
:'''Megan''': Dad said I can help pick out the car.
:'''Drake''': Uh yes. And thank you for helping us decide we're not getting this one.
:'''Megan''': Don't push me.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': ''[appears and gets out of his cart]'' Well now, let me guess! You folks are looking for a car.
:'''Josh''': Hey, you're Stan the Car Man.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': The very same.
:'''Josh''': I know, I love your commercials. You need a car, you need a truck, you need a van! Come see Stan the Car Man!
:'''Drake''': Who sells trucks and vans.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': I don't like it when people imitate me.
:'''Josh''': I'm sorry.
:'''Drake''': I'm also sorry. ''[points at a monkey]'' Hey, Bobo! Aw, I love this guy! ''[picks up Bobo]''
:'''Stan the Car Man''': He seems to have taken a liking to you too!
:'''Drake''': Aw, he's awesome.
:'''Megan''': Yeah, maybe he can tutor you in math.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': How much were you boys hoping to spend in this vehicle?
:'''Drake''': About $2400.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': $2400. About what car did you had in mind?
:'''Josh''': Something safe.
:'''Drake''': Something fast.
:'''Josh''': Gets good mileage.
:'''Drake''': It's gotta have satellite radio.
:'''Josh''': Heated seats would be nice.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': Huh?
:'''Josh''': I get cold down there.
:'''Megan''': Look! No one is interested in your butt temperature problems.
:'''Josh''': Dr. Fish bum is.
:'''Drake''': Look, can you just show us something we can afford?
:'''Stan the Car Man''': Well, I surely can. Right over there!
:'''Josh''': Alright.
:'''Drake''': Come on. ''[he and Josh walk away]''
:'''Stan the Car Man''': Butt temperature problems?
:'''Megan''': He's a mess. ''[she and Stan the Car Man walk away too]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake and Josh come inside Dr. Favershim's apartment to rescue Bobo]''
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Come in.
:'''Drake''': We are in.
:'''Josh''': Yeah. And we want Bobo back.
:'''Dr. Favershim''': I'm sorry, we had a deal. $10,000 for your delicious friends.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, well deal's off.
:'''Josh''': So just take your check back and give us Bobo.
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Are you sure?
:'''Josh''': Absolutely.
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Very well, Bobo is in the back of the closet right over there. You may fetch him.
:'''Josh''': Back of the closet?
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Good.
:'''Josh''': Come on dude, let's go get him.
:'''Drake''': Whoa? Is he in here?
:'''Josh''': Perhaps.
:'''Drake''': In the coat, where is he?
:''[when Dr. Favershim locked Drake and Josh in the closet so he could eat Bobo, Drake and Josh yell inside the closet in order to get out after Dr. Favershim pranked them]''
:'''Dr. Favershim''': I'm sorry boys, but I can't let you interfere with my dinner plans. ''[takes off the curtain off of Bobo's cage]'' Hello, little friend. I hope you have good taste.
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' You open the door or we're gonna call the cops!
:'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' Yeah, we have a cellphone in here!
:'''Dr. Favershim''': You have no cellphone.
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Do too!
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Prove it.
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' How?
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Play me a ringtone.
:''[Josh plays a ringtone on his phone from the closet]''
:'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' See? I told ya we got a cellphone!
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Does it have Bluetooth?
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' What?!?!
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Your cellphone, does it have Bluetooth?
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Ya, dude it has Bluetooth.
:'''Dr. Favershim''': I don't believe you. Show me.
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Fine! Open the door! ''[Dr. Favershim opens door]'' See, Bluetooth! Ha, ha! ''[Dr. Favershim pushes Josh back in the closet, takes his phone, and locks the door again]'' What?! Oh, man!
:'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' Oh, nice goin', Bluetooth!
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Don't start with me! ''[Josh slaps Drake off-screen]''
:'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' Ow!
:''[Dr. Favershim cuts slices of a carrot and takes a bite and walks up to Bobo to eat a piece, too]'' 

===Tree House===
:''[Drake and Josh are trapped inside Robbie's treehouse when they're trying to rebuild it]''
:'''Josh''': Drake…? 
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Josh''': Where's the door hole?
:'''Drake''': It goes right there, see? I drew it with a magic marker.
:'''Josh''': You were supposed to cut it out with the power saw!
:'''Drake''': Dude, I'm gonna!
:'''Josh''': Oh, really?
:'''Drake''': Yes!
:'''Josh''': So go get the power saw.
:'''Drake''': Okay, I will! ''[tries to walk through the wall where the painted door is]'' I see the problem…. 
:'''Josh''': Oh, do ya?!

&lt;hr width=50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Megan refuses to let Drake and Josh out of the Robbie's tree house because she is angry that they made her miss her friend Janie's birthday party]''
:'''Megan''': ''[walks to Drake with a snow cone]'' Hey boob.
:'''Drake''': Where you've been?
:'''Megan''': I told you I was about to get a snow cone.
:'''Drake''': Okay, well now that you have one, can you please hand up the power saw so we can get out of here?
:'''Megan''': Let me think, no!
:'''Drake''': Listen to me! You make us miss our dates with those two hot identical twins. I swear- ''[Josh grabs him]''
:'''Josh''': Hey!
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Josh''': We don't need that power saw!
:'''Drake''': Then how are we gonna get out of here?
:'''Josh''': ''[grabs the power screwdriver]'' Power screwdriver! We just need to unscrew one of these walls and boom we are out!
:'''Drake''': Do it brother!
:'''Josh''': Okay. ''[he power screws the door but realized it's dead]'' Set this baby to reverse.
:'''Drake''': Why'd it stop?
:'''Josh''': I don't know. The screwdriver- ''[looks outside the window thinking that Megan unplugged it]'' MEGAN!
:'''Megan''': ''[satisfied; after she unplugged the power screwdriver]'' Yes, can I help you? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''[Craig and Eric hang out with the twins]''

===Josh is Done===
:'''Drake''': C'mon, let's play ping-pong!
:'''Josh''': Alright. I'll play if it'll stop you from yapping.
:'''Drake''': And the battle begins! ''[rings bell]'' Ohh, my worthy opponent. Are you prepared to ping the pong?
:'''Josh''': Wahahaha. I am prepared, young sedgewan. Your pong is no match for my ping!
:'''Drake''': Ahh, do your worst! ''[he and Josh play ping-pong until Josh's paddle flies out of his hand and out the window, to Josh’s horror]'' You have smashed the window of transparency!
:'''Josh''': ''[runs to the broken window]'' Aw, man! Mom and dad are gonna kill me!
:'''Drake''': Oh, probably. Come on, let's finish the game.
:'''Josh''': I don't have a paddle!
:'''Drake''': Oh, there's an extra one downstairs, be back in a sec.
:'''Josh''': We can't be late for this-
:'''Drake''': I'll be back in a few seconds, you can study while I'm gone. ''[gives Josh the book and leaves the room]''
:'''Josh''': I don't think it leaves us enough- ''[opens the book a reads a page]'' What is the atomic weight of beryllium? 9.01. ''[yells]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Josh''': ''[All sweaty from running all the way to class after Drake left him behind, bumps into the door]'' PLEASE! PLEASE, LEMME IN!! I AM SORRY I'M LATE! ''[Drake looks at him from his desk]''
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Opens the door]'' Mr. Nichols, you know the rule. 
:'''Josh''': B-But you don't understand. You see, I was just about to- 
:'''Mr. Roland''': I understand that you are late, and when you're late to my class, you're not welcomed in my class. 
:'''Josh''': Uh, b-but w-what about the exam? 
:'''Mr. Roland''': You will take a make-up exam next Saturday morning at 6AM, and you will be marked down 1 letter grade! 
:'''Josh''': ''[Very upset and despairing]'' Oh, no. No-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh!!! ''[Points at Drake angrily]'' YOU!
:'''Drake''': ''[Defensively]'' What? 
:'''Josh''': ''[Yells and runs in the classroom to attack Drake, only to be held back by the other students, while Drake stares]'' COME HERE! COME HERE, YOU WANNA TUSSLE!? LET'S GO!! LET ME CLOSER!!! 
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[enraged]'' Mr. Nichols! Mr. Nichols, you will leave this classroom NOW! 
:'''Josh''': But- 
:'''Mr. Roland''': NOW! 
:'''Josh''': I- 
:'''Mr. Roland''': NOW! 
:'''Josh''': ''[defeated]'' Now...? ''[Leaves the classroom as Mr. Roland locks the classroom door, as Josh continues trying to plead his case]'' Now, if you would just allow me to explain, OH!!! ''[Mr. Roland yanks down the door window shade]''
:'''Mr. Roland''': As I was saying, you will have 55 minutes to complete your exams. ''[Mr. Roland walks over to the classroom windows to close the blinds as Josh from outside still tries to plead his case.]'' You will use a #2 pencil.
:'''Josh''': ''[Sobbing]'' Your so hard! 
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Closes first blind]'' Not #1, not #3.
:'''Josh''': ''[Still sobbing]'' So unbelievably hard!
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Closes second blind]'' If you have any questions during the exams, don’t ask them!
:'''Josh''': ''[Still sobbing]'' I really do, I give everything a hundred…
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Closes last blind]'' I want silence in this classroom! Silence, is golden.
:'''Josh''': ''[Freaks out]'' Nooo! Nah! Nah! Nah! Nah!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Drake''': ''[Gets home after the exam (which he failed most likely) and takes Robbie's sit-n-bounce just to get Josh over his rage, still not caring about making him late earlier despite wanting to have fun together]'' Hey, Josh. What goes on? 
:'''Josh''': Just readin' my book. 
:'''Drake''': ''[signs]'' Look, I'm sorry about this morning. You know, but Kat called and wanted to make out, and, you know, Kat. 
:'''Josh''': ''[Knowing that Drake's apology is fake]'' Yes, yes. She's very pretty. 
:'''Drake''': Alright, you're still mad. But you won't be for long, 'cause I got you your very own sit-n-bounce! ''[Josh says nothing]'' Sit-n-bounce!  
:'''Josh''': No, thanks. 
:'''Megan''': Doesn't that kid Robbie next door have a sit-n-bounce just like that? 
:'''Drake''': No! No. And, c'mon, have you ever sat and bounced before? You can't be upset when you're sittin' and bouncin'. ''[plays with it. Josh closes his book and gets up, Drake bounces in front of him]'' 
:'''Josh''': Would you please move?
:'''Drake''': ''[stop bouncing]'' Look, dude, I said I was sorry.
:'''Josh''': Oh, I heard you.
:'''Drake''': Well, stop being mad at me.
:'''Josh''': I'm not mad at you. I'm done.
:'''Drake''': What's that supposed to mean?
:'''Josh''': I don't want anything to do with you anymore.
:'''Drake''': So what, are you gonna move out?
:'''Josh''': No, this is a house where I live, and I guess we'll be roommates until the day I leave for college. But that's all we'll be, is roommates. I'm done with you. ''[walks away, leaving Drake concerned]'' 
:'''Megan''': Whoa! 
:'''Drake''': What? 
:'''Megan''': You really did it this time. 
:'''Drake''': Oh, c'mon, ya know how many times Josh has been ''furious'' with me? Uh, he'll pout for a day or 2, and then he'll get over it. 
:'''Megan''': I dunno, he sounded pretty serious. 
:'''Drake''': Trust me. Alright, I know Josh, and there's no way he's gonna keep this up- 
:'''Robbie''': ''[walks in]'' I knew it! I knew you took my sit-n-bounce! ''[kicks Drake in the leg and takes his sit-n-bounce back]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''[Without Josh, Drake begins suffering bad luck, while Josh's life improves with more good luck than ever, even passing his make-up exam and getting his grade back up]'' 
:'''Drake''': ''[arrives at the Primere ]'' Hello, Josh.
:'''Josh''': Hi, Drake.
:'''Craig''': Why are you all sweaty?
:'''Drake''': I'm all sweaty because I ran out of gas and I had to walk all the way here because SOMEBODY forgot to fill up the car!
:'''Josh''': It's not my responsibility to fill the car with gas.
:'''Drake''': You always fill up the car!
:'''Josh''': Used to, now I put in just enough gas for myself.
:'''Drake''': Well, good! You know, good for you! I DON'T NEED YOUR GAS! And just so you know, I'm gonna go see a movie right now and I don't need a free ticket from you cause mom paid me 10 bucks to get out of the house! So I don't need you for ANYTHING!
:'''Leah''': Movie tickets here are $11.
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Eric''': And popcorn and soda are gonna cost you another 6 or 7.
:'''Drake''': D'oh! You know what? I'm not even gonna buy a ticket, I'm just going in. Right, just going right in! ''[yells at ticket checker employee, he stubbornly walks into theater 7]'' 
:'''Josh''': ''[clears throat, grabs the communicator]'' Security, we have a problem in theater 7: male Caucasian, sweaty, wearing a gray sweatshirt. ''[beeps]'' So what's the difference between a hoagie and a submarine sandwich? 
:'''Steve''': I always thought a hoagie was a hot sandwich, and a submarine could be served hot or cold. 
:'''Craig''': No, I think it's the other way around. 
:'''Eric''': Okay, but what's a grinder? 
:'''Leah''': Same thing as a hoagie. 
:'''Drake''': ''[getting dragged by the security guards]'' Hey! Hey! Let go, let go! Josh, Josh! Tell them to let me go! Josh, Josh! Tell them! Tell them! Look this way, I know this guy, I know this guy. Ask him, ask him. 
:'''Security Guard''': Is this guy a friend of yours? 
:''[pause]''
:'''Josh''': ''[satisfied]'' No, he's not. 
:'''Drake''': ''[frustrated]'' Josh!! Oh. You're gonna regret this, Josh! You need me! YOU NEED ME!!! 
:'''Josh''': So, hoagie and grinder same thing, huh? 
:'''Leah, Steve, Eric, &amp; Craig''': ''[All talking at once in agreement]'' Yes./That's right./Uh-huh./Yeah. 
:'''Steve''': All in the sandwich family.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': ''[After being switched with another lab partner named Clayton, messes up his science experiment, causing green water to flow and spill over his hand]'' Whoa-whoa! Hey-hey! What's happening, what's happening!? Oh-okay-okay-okay! Arms tingling, arms tingling! 
:'''Craig''': Chemical emergency! ''[Turns on the alarm]'' 
:'''Mr. Roland''': Let's get him in the power-shower! ''[Grabs Drake and carries him into the chemical shower, as Josh watches in shock]'' 
:'''Drake''': Hey-hey! Watch it, will you-!? What is this!? ''[Roki shuts the door, Mr. Roland turns on the water]'' What are you, what are you-!? AAA-OOHHHH!!!! ''[Starts yelling as the water stingingly washes off the chemicals]''  
:'''Mr. Roland''': Drake, are you alright? 
:'''Drake''': Hey! What is this water!? Ow! ''[Continues yelling as everybody, including Josh, watches]'' 
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Drake has just been in the chemical shower, turns off the water]'' Drake, you may come out now. ''[Drake comes out, all soaked and groaning]'' Sit down, Drake. ''[Drake ignores him, walks towards the door]'' Drake, sit down!
:'''Drake''': No!
:'''Mr. Roland''': Drake!
:'''Drake''': Josh!
:'''Josh''': What?
:'''Drake''': Look, I'm sorry.
:'''Josh''': Well--
:'''Drake''': Look, let me finish, okay? I was wrong, okay? I was wrong.
:'''Josh''': What d'you mean?
:'''Drake''': I-I need you more than you need me. Uh, I-I need you ''way more'' than you need me, a-alright? I'm sorry. M-Man, I'm sorry I made you late for your exam, and I'm sorry I ran over your bike, and I, uh-- I-I'm sorry, I'm probably the worst brother in the world! And y-you know, you're way better off without me, you know? I just-- I just need you to understand that-- uh, I just-- Sorry, Josh, I'm sorry. ''[tearfully walks out of the classroom, leaving Josh stunned]''
:'''Mr. Roland''': Josh, would you like to go talk to Drake?
:'''Josh''': ''[realizes he has gone a little too far for cutting Drake out of his life, seeing how he learned his lesson the hard way]'' No. No, sir.
:'''Mr. Roland''': Alright. Class, let's get back to our experiments. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[As Drake miserably tries to play ping-pong alone, Josh runs in with a kung fu yell, ready to forgive his brother]''
:'''Josh''': Hoaw! We have unfinished business, young sedgewan. 
:'''Drake''': Josh…. 
:'''Josh''': Wa-cho! You will address me only as Master Mon-googoo. ''[Drake cheers up as Josh picks up his paddle]'' 
:'''Drake''': Your words, they are strong. Uh, but your skills are weak!
:'''Josh''': Your foolishness, young sedgewan, has sealed your fate! 
:'''Drake''': Aw, destiny is mine! ''[They play ping-pong ball together and reconcile again happily as the episode ends]''

===Eric Punches Drake===
:'''Mr. Roland''': Josh, Mindy. The new chemistry books just arrived. They're in my classroom. 
:'''Mindy''': No way! 
:'''Josh''': Oh, come on! 
:'''Craig''': Hey, remember in Dragon to Death when Billy Chang fights Joaquin the Dream?
:'''Eric''': Remember? One does not forget the wo-cho fist of silence. ''[Tries to demonstrate, only to accidentally punch Drake in the eye and knock him out in the process]'' Oh, my god! 
:'''Craig''': Drake, are you alright!? 

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
:'''Josh''': Hey, Craig. 
:'''Craig''': Evenin'. 
:'''Josh''': Where's Eric? 
:'''Craig''': Oh, he didn't wanna come. He was afraid Drake might be mad at him 'cause he punched him in the eye. 
:'''Josh''': He's not mad. Drake, you're not mad, are you? 
:'''Drake''': Nah, I'm not mad. Craig didn't mean to hit me. 
:'''Craig''': I'M Craig! 
:'''Drake''': ''[scoffs]'' It matters. 

&lt;hr width =50%&gt; 
:''[door bell rings]'' 
:'''Josh''': Yo, Drake, get that! 
:'''Drake''': Got it. ''[opens the door and finds Mindy there]'' Oh, is it Halloween already? Aren't you a scary, little witch? 
:'''Mindy''': Oh, look at your black eye. Well, I hope it hurts.
:'''Drake''': You shebeast!
:'''Mindy''': Microbrain!
:'''Drake''': Weirdface!
:'''Mindy''': Ignoramus!
:'''Drake''': ''[beat]'' What?
:'''Mindy''': Exactly! 
:'''Chad''': Hey. 
:'''Mindy''': Oh, hey. 
:'''Chad''': Sorry, I had to park the car at the bottom of the hill. 
:'''Mindy''': Oh, no problem. Step aside. ''[both walk inside. Drake suspects Chad to be Mindy's new boyfriend and goes into the kitchen, while Josh and Craig set up the projector]'' 
:'''Drake''': JOSH! 
:'''Josh''': ''[jumps, accidentally flips the projector]'' Aw, now I gotta reset the white balance! 
:'''Drake''': No, I need to talk to you! ''[to Craig]'' Get out. ''[Craig walks out]'' 
:'''Josh''': What? 
:'''Drake''': Mindy's here.  
:'''Josh''': I know, I invited her. 
:'''Drake''': Did you invite ''him?'' ''[turns Josh's head around towards Chad]''  
:'''Josh''': Who's him? 
:'''Drake''': Her date. 
:'''Josh''': ''[shudders]'' I don't care. 
:'''Drake''': Yes, you do!

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
:'''Drake''': Hey, Clayton. 
:'''Clayton''': ''[mumbling]'' Hi. 
:''[Drake slips his mouth-wash, then takes Clayton's water bottle, spits in it, and gives it back to him (possibly as revenge for Drake's chemical incident in the previous episode), to Clayton's disgust. 3 students walk behind Drake, laughing at him]''
:'''Drake''': Hello? 
:'''Boy''': ''[sees Drake's black eye]'' It's true! 
:'''Drake''': Oh, the black eye? Yeah, a little accident. 
:'''Boy''': That's not what we heard. 
:'''Drake''': And what did you hear? 
:'''Boy''': That you're making fun of Eric's sister. 
:'''Girl''': Hey, Drake. I heard you got punched by a nerd. 
:'''Drake''': IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!!! 

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
:'''Crazy Steve''': Excuse me, Josh. 
:'''Josh''': What!? 
:'''Crazy Steve''': I notice you're stacking that candy in an angry way. 
:'''Josh''': I AM angry! Alright, Mindy's over there with her new boyfriend, rubbing him right in my face. 
:'''Crazy Steve''': I just give this a little squeeze... DON'T DRINK WHILE I'M TALKING!!!! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Craig''': ''[pops up from the trash can]'' Hello.
:'''Drake''': ''[screams]'' Craig?
:'''Craig''': Are you alone?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, I'm alone.
:'''Craig''': Good. ''[holds out a bag of pork rinds]'' Pork rind?
:'''Drake''': Sure. ''[takes a pork rind from the bag and starts eating it]'' So you're the one that sent the blimp?
:'''Craig''': That's right.
:'''Drake''': ''[concerned]'' Why would you wanna take down Eric? He's your best friend.
:'''Craig''': WAS my best friend. Now that Eric's Mr. Popular pants and has a hot girlfriend, he doesn't give a rat's hat about me!
:'''Drake''': Rat's hat?
:'''Craig''': ''[furious]'' He's forgotten that I am the one who's been his best friend since we were 7 years old! THAT I'M THE ONE WHO DRIED HIS TEARS WHEN HIS IGUANA GOT DIABETES! THAT I--  
:'''Drake''': ''[He interrupts Craig]'' OKAY, OKAY, I get it, get it, get it. Just tell me how to stop him.
:'''Craig''': Ok, but first you have to promise me something.
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Craig''': I love to sing.
:'''Drake''': ''[confused, steps aside]'' And?
:'''Craig''': And you are like a professional singer.
:'''Drake''': ''[still confused]'' You wanna sing a song with me?
:'''Craig''': I've wanted this for a long time!
:'''Drake''': Ok, ok, if you help me prove Eric's a liar, you can sing a song with me.
:'''Craig''': Excellent. Now, listen carefully. Eric, is a pacifist.
:'''Drake''': I thought he was Jewish.
:'''Craig''': A pacifist is someone who refuses to fight.
:'''Drake''': Okay...
:'''Craig''': So, if you insult Eric in front of a bunch of people, he won't fight back, and then everyone will know he was lying about standing up to you!
:'''Drake''': Uh-huh!
:'''Craig''': And then he won't be popular anymore which means he'll come crawling back to me! And don't forget our song.
:'''Drake''': I won't forget the song.
:'''Craig''': Good, I'll start practicing.
:''[Drake walks away while Craig starts singing in the dumpster behind the school's cafeteria]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': ''[he stops the argument about stacks of cards]'' Okay, you know what?! You know what?! Enough with the cards, alright?! I got big problems!
:'''Josh''': What, that Eric thing?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, he's lying to everybody and ruining my life just to make himself popular. But you know what? 
:'''Josh''': What?
:'''Drake''': I'm gonna go find Eric and punch him right in his little nerdy head!
:'''Josh''': You don't want to do that! ''[grabs him]''
:'''Drake''': Then give me a one good reason.
:'''Josh''': 'Cause it's not gonna help you! Alright? It's just gonna make you look worse or you're gonna handle these things maturely.
:'''Drake''': Kinda like you do with Mindy?!
:'''Josh''': DIFFERENT!!! ''[crosses his arms]''
:'''Drake''': It's not different?
:'''Josh''': Mindy rubbing a new boyfriend in my face is an outrage, OUTRAGE!!!
:'''Drake''': And Eric wrecking my life isn't?!
:'''Josh''': I'm not saying it's not bro, but look you gotta help me with-- ''[the doorbell interrupts them as Drake opens the door and Clayton talks to Drake and Josh about what Drake did to his water]''
:'''Clayton''': ''[worried, mumbling]'' Why?
:''[Josh points to Drake and tells him to close the door. Drake awkwardly locks the door as he and Josh cool off]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chad''': Do you guys have free refills on the ginger ale?
:'''Josh''': Oh, you want some ginger ale do you? Yeah, Chad can't get enough of his precious ginger ale!! Oh, No! Well, I'll tell you what, Chad!!! Why not call up the ginger ale headquarters and have them back up a tanker truck to your mouth!? So Chad can drink ginger ale til' there's no more ginger ale for the REST OF THE EARTH'S POPULATION!!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[after Josh becomes obnoxious that Mindy has a new boyfriend, she comes over to check on him]''
:'''Josh''': What do you except? I mean, I know we're broken up, but that doesn’t give you the right to rub your new boyfriend in my face.
:'''Mindy''': He's not my boyfriend.
:'''Josh''': Look, I don't care what you call him-
:'''Mindy''': He's my cousin.
:'''Josh''': Your cousin?
:'''Mindy''': Yeah. I'm not dating anyone. He just moved here from St. Louis, so I've been showing him around.
:'''Josh''': Why didn't you tell me that?
:'''Mindy''': I tried, you never gave me a chance.
:'''Josh''': So tonight, you were just messing with my head? 
:'''Mindy''': I think you deserved it after the way you screamed at me. 
:'''Josh''': I still think that was a really obnoxious thing for you to do! 
:'''Mindy''': I think you acted ''way'' more obnoxious. 
:'''Josh''': Well, I'm just glad we're broken up! 
:'''Mindy''': Not as glad as I am! 
:'''Josh''': Oh, really?! 
:'''Mindy''': REALLY! ''[they make out]''
:'''Josh''': We're still broken up, right?
:'''Mindy''': Definitely.
:''[they continue to make out]''

===Megan's Revenge===
:''[Drake and Josh are in Megan's room]''
:'''Drake''': Now, put Megan's camera back where you found this. Being in her room creeps me out.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, me, too. ''[looks at Megan's hamster]'' Awww. Look at Megan's hamster. He's washing his little face.
:'''Drake''': Look, let's just get out of here.
:'''Josh''': Just wait. This is too cute. I gotta get a picture of him.
:'''Drake''': Well, hurry.
:'''Josh''': Okay! Smile, Hervay. 
:''[Hervay falls down from the camera shot Josh took]''
:'''Drake''': Awww. He's playing dead.
:'''Josh''': I think he really is dead!
:'''Drake''': Oh! That hamster cannot be dead. If that hamster is dead, we're dead because Megan’s gonna kill us!
:'''Josh''': W-W-What can I do about it?
:'''Drake''': I don't know your watch o.r.! Fix him.
:'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' Okay, okay. Um, alright, I need a CBC, uh, a chem seven chest phone.
:'''Drake''': Just give him CPU!
:'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' Alright! ''[takes out Hervay from his cage]'' See what everybody say with me!
:'''Drake''': Okay.
:'''Josh''': ''[blows on Hervay's mouth]'' 1 1,000 , 2 1,000 , 3 1,000 , BREATHE! ''[blows on Hervay's mouth again and tries to pick him up but fails]'' That's it. 10:22, I'm calling it!
:'''Drake''': NO! ''[runs up to Hervay and blows his mouth]'' 
:'''Josh''': ''[gaves Drake backwards]'' HE'S GONE!
:'''Drake''': Josh, Megan is going to kill us!
:'''Josh''': Maybe she won't. Maybe she'll understand.
:'''Drake''': Think about it. Megan does horrible horrible things to us every day for no reason. Now, SHE HAS A REASON!
:'''Josh''': WE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!
:''[Drake quickly puts the camera in her drawer and Josh puts Hervay back in his room as they leave Megan's room fast]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Drake''': Ow! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Megan uses a remote to create a hole on the floor to make Drake and Josh fall to the garage from their bedroom]''
:'''Megan''': Okay, that was good revenge, too. And by the way, you didn't kill Hervay. The camera flash just stunned. He's fine, see? ''[shows Drake and Josh her pet hamster Hervay who is still alive]''
:'''Drake and Josh''': MEGAN!

===Steered Straight===
:'''Josh''': Man, we can't get into the Reptile Room ''[nightclub]''. You have to be over 21.
:'''Drake''': You are, Mr... ''[pulls out fake ID]'' Yakitori!
:'''Josh''': ''[takes fake ID and looks at it]'' What's this?
:'''Drake''': Fake ID, here, check mine out. ''[takes out his own fake ID and gives it to Josh]''
:'''Josh''': ''[reads the name on Drake's fake ID]'' Jefferson Steelflex?
:'''Drake''': ''[laughs]'' Yeah, made it up.
:'''Josh''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, REALLY! So you're suggesting that we use fake IDs to get into a nightclub posing as... ''[reads the names on the IDs again]'' Jefferson Steelflex and Alvin Yakitori?
:'''Drake''': Yep. And, hey, we gotta be there before 10:30 because I'm pretty sure...
:'''Josh''': It's illegal to use fake IDs!
:'''Drake''': Yeah, well, it's illegal to rob banks, but people do it!
:'''Josh''': Yes, people who are BANK ROBBERS!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[after Blaze has gone]''
:'''Josh''': Are you CRAZY?! What if Mom, Dad or Megan are downstairs?
:'''Drake''': Look, both of the cars are gone, alright? So nobody's home.
:'''Josh''': Good. Oh, quick. Quick, let's call the cops before he comes back.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, right, right, right, right.
:'''Josh''': Okay.
:'''Drake''': Uh...
:'''Josh''': Uh, alright. ''[pushes the phone with his head and he and Drake struggle to call the police]'' Alright, work together. Teamwork.
:'''Drake''': Okay.
:'''Josh''': Teamwork.
:'''Drake''': Alright.
:'''Josh''': To the left.
:'''Drake''': Ow!
:'''Josh''': To the--
:'''Drake''': Grab it.
:'''Josh''': Alright. ''[the phone slides away from him and Drake]'' Teamworking.
:'''Drake''': Grab it. Alright, press the 9, man.
:'''Josh''': Oh, this isn't gonna work.
:'''Drake''': Alright. Fine, fine, here. ''[puts it behind him]'' I'll hold it behind my back, you dial it with your nose.
:'''Josh''': I'm not sticking my nose down there.
:'''Drake''': Would you rather take your chances with a vicious criminal?
:'''Josh''': I think so.
:'''Drake''': Oh, just dial the number.
:'''Josh''': Alright. ''[presses the 9 button with his nose]'' 9. ''[then the 1 button]'' 1. 
:''[sneezes on the phone and Drake lets go of it]''
:'''Drake''': Aw, man. You sneezed on my palm.
:'''Josh''': It is allergy season. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:'''Criminal''': It's some goofy-looking dude in a really bad shirt. 
:'''Drake and Josh''': Dad.

===Megan's First Kiss=== 
:'''Josh''': Thanks for the tip, dad! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:'''Megan''': Um, what are you doing this Saturday night?
:'''Drake''': Going to a concert at the Mega Dome.
:'''Josh''': Why?
:'''Drake''': 'Cause we bought tickets.
:'''Josh''': ''[to Drake]'' Not you! ''[to Megan]'' Why do you wanna know what we're doing Saturday night?
:'''Megan''': I don't care what you're doing.
:'''Drake''': But you just asked us.
:'''Megan''': Or, maybe you, just asked yourselves! Yeah. Think about that... ''[Megan leaves the room smiling]''
:'''Drake''': Okay I wanna know what her deal is!
:'''Josh''': Yeah, yeah, yeah she's up to something!
:'''Drake''': Yeah, first she hangs up the phone, pretends to not be talking to anybody.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, and she measures our necks and asks of our social plans.
:'''Drake''': Wait, she said we asked ourselves about that.
:'''Josh''': Really, you're not a smart boy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake and Josh walk into the Premiere disguised as Jews]''
:'''Drake''': Okay, all I'm saying is, the next time we need disguises, I'm getting them!
:'''Josh''': I told you, the costume shop was closed, the temple was open! And these are good disguises.
:'''Drake''': I don't even know what accent to talk with. 
:'''Josh''': Doesn't matter, just sound foreign.
:'''Helen''': Can I help you gentlemen find something?
:'''Josh''': ''[Irish accent]'' Top of the mornin to ya, how are ya? Potata!
:'''Helen''': Potato?
:'''Drake''': ''[Irish accent]'' Come along, Pontiac.
:'''Josh''': Yes, let's go observe the mulberry bush!
:'''Drake''': Pip pip da doodly-doo!
:'''Helen''': Pip pip da doodly-doo! I'm gonna start sayin that. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Megan''': I love you guys.

===The Battle of Panthatar===
:''[Opening comments: Drake and Josh ask themselves random questions]''
:'''Drake''': Hello, what's your name?
:'''Josh''': Hi! Who are you?
:'''Drake''': What is your favorite thing to eat?
:'''Josh''': What games do you like to play?
:'''Drake and Josh''': Me, too!
:'''Drake''': Hey, do you like me?
:'''Josh''': Do you wanna be my friend?
:'''Drake''': Aw, thank you!
:'''Josh''': ... What is that supposed to mean?
:'''Drake''': You think I'm handsome? What a special thing to say!
:'''Josh''': What? Who are you calling a dork? Hey hey hey hey! Go fetch your mother! Yeah I'm talking to you!
:'''Drake''': A present? For me?
:'''Josh''': Alright just put your kid right in front of the TV set because I have a few things to say!
:'''Drake''': ''[holding a handed a plate of cookies]'' A plate of cookies? Ohh, yummy!
:'''Josh''': I-I think it's pretty rude to tell a person that he's a --''[boy spits in his eye]''... did you just... you spit in my eye!
:'''Drake''': Mmm... these are my favorite!
:'''Josh''': Ohh, it burns! Aghh! Aghh!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:'''Thornton''': What's up, Nicholas? 

:'''Thronton''': MARIA!!! 
:'''Maria''': Thronton! 
:'''Josh''': Free popcorn??? 

:'''Thronton''': What's the matter with you!? 

:'''Josh''': ''[sobs]'' 
:'''Crazy Steve''': Excuse me! No yelling in the theater area. 
:'''Lady''': Excuse me, where's the ladies' restroom? 
:'''Crazy Steve''': I AM TALKING TO PEOPLE!!! 
:'''Thornton''': UNINVITED!!!! ''[storms away]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:''[Drake enters his and Josh's room]''
:'''Drake''': Hey.
:'''Josh''': Well? Did you go to Thornton's house? Did you apologize?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, I went to Thornton's house, and I apologized.
:'''Josh''': Well, perfect, and?
:'''Drake''': He had his housekeeper kick me out, then he hit me with a broom, and I fell down some brick stairs.
:'''Josh''': ''[groans]'' I really wanted to go to that party. Why do you ruin everything?
:'''Drake''': Don't worry, alright? I'm gonna figure a way to get even with that Thornton.
:'''Josh''': I don't wanna get even. ''[whining]'' I WANNA GO TO THAT BIRTHDAY PARTY!
:'''Drake''': Bro, Thornton hates us.
:'''Josh''': Well, let's make him love us again.
:'''Drake''': I tried.
:'''Josh''': Well, maybe we can... ''[notices Drake's autographed [[The Beatles|Beatles]] ''Abbey Road'' album]'' Hey. Isn't Thornton a huge Beatles fan?
:'''Drake''': Well, yeah, but I don't see what that has to do-- [realizes what Josh means] Oh, no, no. No way. ''[hides it in his arms]'' Don't even think about it.
:'''Josh''': I'm telling you, if we give him that album--
:'''Drake''': Absolutely not.
:'''Josh''': I guarantee you he'll re-invite us.
:'''Drake''': Dude, I love this album more than I love myself.
:'''Josh''': Dude.
:'''Drake''': Okay, but I love this album a lot. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:'''Thornton''': Hey! Drake and Josh are not invited! I want them outta here!

===[[w:Really Big Shrimp|Really Big Shrimp]]===
&lt;small&gt;Note: This episode was an hour long.&lt;/small&gt;
:'''Crazy Steve''': ''[looks at his watch]'' It's time! ''[he steals old man's cane and starts chasing Josh]'' You ate my enchilada!
:'''Josh''': There was no note!
:'''Crazy Steve''': You ate my enchilada!
:'''Josh''': There was no note! 
:'''Crazy Steve''': You ate my enchilada! 
:'''Josh''': I thought we settled this! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Audrey''': ''[hears doorbell; talking about Helen and Lula]'' Walter, they're here.
:'''Walter''': Ooh. ''[walks before the front door]''
:'''Megan''': Dad, are you sure about this?
:'''Walter''': Yes. And we are doing a very nice thing for a sweet old lady. ''[Lula breaks the door in] ''
:'''Lula''': Where's the bathroom?!
:'''Audrey''': Did you just break our door in?!
:'''Lula''': I rang the doorbell, waited 25 seconds, no one answered, what I supposed to do?
:'''Josh''': You could've rang the doorbell, again.
:'''Lula''': ''[to Helen]'' Who's that boy with a big head that looks like a tooth pick with a cantaloupe on top? ''[Megan laughs and Josh give her a furious look]''
:'''Megan''': What, am I going to pretend that wasn't funny?
:'''Helen''': That's Josh, he works with me at the Premeire. ''[introduces everyone else]'' That's Drake, I prefer him. That's Megan, that's Mrs. Parker (Audrey), and this is...''[forgets who Walter is]''
:'''Walter''': Walter!
:'''Lula''': Great, now where's the bathroom?!
:'''Audrey''': Right through that door.
:'''Lula''': Well, thank you for finally giving me that information! ''[walks into bathroom and slams door]''
:'''Audrey''': Is she always so--? 
:'''Helen''': Buh-bye! ''[goes away]''
:'''Megan''': I can't believe that lady is staying in our guest room for a week.
:'''Walter''': No, she's staying in your room.
:'''Megan''': What?!
:'''Audrey''': You'll be staying in the boys' room.
:'''Drake, Josh and Megan''': What?!
:'''Josh''': This is an outrage!
:'''Drake''': What are we gonna stay?
:'''Walter''': ''[to Drake and Josh]'' Your room is huge. The three of you will be fine for a week.
:'''Megan''': Aw, this is horrible.
:'''Walter''': It's not that bad.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Megan''': Fine, I'll tell him. Josh, Molly thinks you're cute.
:'''Megan's Friends''': Eww!
:''[Josh walks out of the room]''
:'''Molly''': Call me!!
:'''Megan's Friends''': Eww!
:''[Josh peeks his head back through the door]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake arrives home]''
:'''Audrey''': Super Bowl's on.
:'''Drake''': I don't care.
:'''Josh''': Come on, the commercial's up in about two minutes. You gotta watch. It's your song.
:'''Drake''': It's not my song. It's horrible bubble-gum pop garbage-y badness. That 50,000,000 people are about to hear. I'll be on the roof.
:'''Josh''': Why?
:'''Drake''': Because you're not there. ''[walks away]''
:'''Josh''': Drake! ''[runs off to Drake]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crazy Steve''': Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in...
:'''Lula''': ''[annoyed]'' I know how to breathe!
:'''Crazy Steve''': ''[screaming]'' '''''JUST DO WHAT I SAY!'''''
:'''Lula''': ''[scared]'' Okay. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mindy''': ''[Yells after Crazy Steve goes insane]'' Help! Crazy Steve's gone berserk! 
:'''Josh &amp; Helen''': Crazy Steve!? 
:'''Mindy''': WHO ELSE!? 
:'''Josh''': But it's Monday, you can't schedule Crazy Steve to work on a Monday! 
:'''Helen''': Monday's his bad day! 
:'''Mindy''': Well, no one TOLD me that!!! 
:'''Crazy Steve''': ''[waving nutted shoes]'' CUCKADOODLEDOO, THE COW SAYS MOO!!! 

I want the shrimp.

===Helicopter=== 
:'''Vince''': That's S.P.L.A.T.. 
:'''Drake''': That's spelled splat. 
:'''Vince''': Oh, man. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:''[Drake and Josh try to wake up Vince]''
:'''Josh''': Hey, hey. He's awake.
:'''Drake''': You're awake!
:'''Vince''': ''[wakes up]'' Oh, what happened? How long I been out?
:'''Drake''': About 10 minutes. 
:'''Vince''': Oh, I remember. You clowns were fighting over this parachute. ''[holds his head]'' Oh, what'd I hit my head on?
:'''Josh''': This fire extinguisher.
:'''Vince''': Oh.
:'''Josh''': See, I'm pretty sure you hit your head right on this lever-- ''[he accidentally sprays Vince with a fire extinguisher and Vince screams outside after he pranked him]''
:'''Drake''': ''[angrily]'' Do you know what you just did?!
:'''Josh''': ''[worried]'' I extinguished our pilot?
:'''Drake''': ''[angrily]'' No, he has a parachute! You've extinguished us!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Vince angrily arrives at Drake and Josh's house after Drake and Josh blasted him out of the helicopter]''
:'''Vince''': You blasted me out of my own helicopter.
:'''Drake &amp; Josh''': Wha-- shh!
:'''Drake''': Not in front of our parents.
:'''Audrey''': Who is it?
:'''Drake &amp; Josh''': Uh--
:'''Drake''': Some, crazy, guy.
:''[Josh whistles]''
:'''Walter''': ''[to Audrey]'' I'll handle this. ''[he walks over to Vince]'' How can I help you?
:'''Vince''': Are you their father?
:'''Walter''': Yes. ''[Vince angrily gives him a bill]'' What's this?
:'''Vince''': ''[angrily]'' A bill. That's how much you owe me for my new helicopter.
:'''Walter''': What? ''[looks at the bill Vince gave him how much he needs to pay for his helicopter]'' '''''$400,000?!'''''
:''[Audrey and Megan are both shocked]''
:'''Drake''': ''[as Walter]'' Boys, you're both grounded.
:'''Josh''': But, Dad--
:'''Drake''': ''[as Walter]'' Grounded, two weeks.
:'''Josh''': But it wasn't our fault!
:'''Drake''': ''[as Walter]'' Upstairs.
:'''Josh''': ''[defeated]'' Yes, sir.
:'''Drake''': Night.
:'''Josh''': Night.
:''[knowing the consequences, Drake and Josh ground themselves for two weeks as the episode ends]''

===Dance Contest===
:'''Eric''': So, uh, Josh, thanks for throwing me this... great party.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, this is quite a party. Hope the neighbors don't call the cops on us.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:'''Stage director''': STOP IT! ''[multiple times]'' Perhaps, you ladies didn't read the rules: you fight, you're out! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Drake and Josh''': ''[last lines]'' Who is she?

==External links==

{{wikipedia|Drake &amp; Josh}}

[[Category:Drake &amp; Josh seasons]]
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]</text>
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      <text bytes="58360" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
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:'''Seasons:'''  [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 1|1]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 2|2]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 3|3]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 4|4]] | [[Drake &amp; Josh|Main]]
----
'''''[[w:Drake &amp; Josh|Drake &amp; Josh]]''''' is an American television sitcom created by Dan Schneider for Nickelodeon. The series follows the lives of two teenage boys with opposite personalities, Drake Parker (Drake Bell) and Josh Nichols (Josh Peck), who are stepbrothers.

===Josh Runs Into Oprah===
:''[Megan opens up Josh's birthday cake]''
:'''Josh''': You made me a birthday cake?
:'''Megan''': Uh-huh. Mom gave me the recipe. I think it turned out pretty good. There.
:'''Josh''': Wow! This is really full of poison, isn't it?
:'''Megan''': No!
:'''Josh''': No, what then, huh, huh, huh, hot sauce some kind of extreme laxident?
:'''Megan''': Oh, c'mon! I wouldn't let you eat a cake that make you sick on your birthday.
:'''Josh''': I'm sorry.
:'''Megan''': It's okay. Make a wish. ''[Josh blows out the birthday candles from his cake as it exploded and he turns around to Megan as he had cake pieces on his face when she pranked him]'' I didn't say it wouldn't explode!
:'''Josh''': I don't blame you so much for doing it, as I blame myself for not anticipating it.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:'''Drake''': Hey, WATCH IT, WATCH IT!!! ''[Josh screams]'' 
:''[Oprah screams as they accidentally hit her and she jumps onto the front of their car and slides off, much to Josh's horror]'' 
:'''Woman''': OPRAH!!! Oh, my god! Oprah! Somebody call for help! 
:'''Josh''': I RAN OVER OPRAH!!! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Josh angrily comes home from the hospital after Drake pranked the whole hospital thinking Josh has a virus, which in return, causes him to get a chemical bath]''
:'''Drake''': Hey, man.
:'''Josh''': ''HEY, MAN''?!
:'''Drake''': Hey... man?
:'''Josh''': You left me at hospital to be chemicaLY bathed!
:'''Drake''': Oh, yeah, how'd it go?
:'''Josh''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, actually, it was quite soothing especially the part where they...OH, IT WAS HORRIBLE!!
:'''Drake''': Kay, what up with the 'tude?
:'''Josh''': D'you know what its like to get an involuntry chemical bath? it stings...''EVERYWHERE''!
:'''Drake''': Alright, look. Tell you what, I'm going to make up to you, okay?
:'''Josh''': No. Okay, no you're not, because that's when the badness happens. The only time you do anything nice to me is after you caused me some kind of physical damage or emotional distress! You are never going to make up anything to me ever again!
:'''Drake''': Wait, do these sound okay to you? ''[Drake plays his Bongos for Josh to try to cheer him up, but Josh rips the taped up Bongos then leaves]'' Would you bring me the hot glue gun?
:'''Josh''': NOT REALLY! ''[slams the door]''

===Vicious Tiberius===
:''[Drake and Josh found out that their dad did not answer the phone because he was working out at home singing]''
:'''Drake''': Well?
:'''Josh''': No answer.
:'''Drake''': You probably dialed the wrong number. Let me see it--
:'''Josh''': No, I think I know our own number.
:'''Drake''': Dude, just let me try-- ''[he and Josh both fight with Josh's phone and it lands in the toilet]'' Nice! ''[sees Josh's phone in the toilet]''
:'''Josh''': It's your fault. Go get it.
:'''Drake''': I'm not putting my hand in there! That's where Mrs. Hayfer pees!
:'''Josh''': Probably doesn't even work anymore.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, well, let's see. ''[flushes Josh's phone away]'' It still works.
:'''Josh''': I knew the toilet still worked, Drake. I MEANT MY PHONE!
:'''Drake''': Oh, well, that's gone.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Megan''': ''[offscreen]'' Hello? Anybody home?
:'''Josh''': Who's that?
:'''Drake''': It sounds like Megan.
:'''Megan''': ''[offscreen]'' Drake? Josh?
:'''Josh''': That ''is'' Megan, how does she know? Oh, no, she's outside with Tiberius!
:'''Drake''': Oh, he'll eat her alive!
:'''Josh''': C'mon! ''[tries to open the door but Drake puts his foot on the door]'' Dude!
:'''Drake''': ''[blocks the door]'' Well, just 'cause she gets eaten, doesn't mean we have to.
:'''Josh''': That's our little sister out there, we've gotta help her!
:'''Drake''': Alright.
:'''Josh''': C'mon. ''[he and Drake come out of the bathroom and see Megan in the living room to reveal that Tiberius is behaving as he loud whispers]'' Megan! Run!
:'''Megan''': I don't wanna run.
:'''Drake''': ''[loud whisper]'' But he's vicious.
:'''Megan''': Yeah, he's real vicious. Ooh, down, boy. You're so scary.
:''[Drake and Josh walk by to her]''
:'''Josh''': I don't get it. Well, he's all calm.
:'''Drake''': Evil dog, evil girl. Makes perfect sense.
:'''Megan''': Where have you two been? You were supposed to pick me up two hours ago.
:'''Josh''': How'd you know we were here?
:'''Megan''': Dad said you were stopping here and then picking me up, which you didn't.
:'''Josh''': We couldn't.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, we were trapped here by this demon dog.
:'''Megan''': What're you talking about?
:'''Josh''': When you're not around, he goes all berserk and tries to kill us.
:'''Megan''': Really?
:'''Drake and Josh''': Yeah/Uh-huh.
:'''Megan''': ''[satisfied]'' See ya.
:''[after Megan leaves the house, Tiberius traps Drake and Josh in the bathroom again]''

===The Wedding===
:''[Opening comments: Drake and Josh talk about how unpleasant their great aunt Catherine is and both are in agreement that she is quite unpleasant]''
:'''Josh''': So, me and Drake have this Great Aunt Catherine.
:'''Drake''': Have you ever met my Great Aunt Catherine? No? Well, hey. Lucky you.
:'''Josh''': She's almost 90 years old.
:'''Drake''': She's like 90,000 years old.
:'''Josh''': She's not nice!
:'''Drake''': She is mean. ''[gets closer to the viewers]'' Mean to the ''bone''!
:'''Josh''': Something's not right about Aunt Catherine.
:'''Drake''': She collects hair... from people she doesn't even know well!
:'''Josh''': Oh, and get this.
:'''Drake and Josh''': Aunt Catherine's getting married!
:'''Josh''': I mean, who wants to get married at 89 years old?
:'''Drake''': You know, Josh and I disagree on a lot of stuff, but I bet he hates Aunt Catherine just as much as I do.
:'''Josh''': I wonder if Drake hates Aunt Catherine as much as I do. ''[turns to Drake]'' Do ya?
:'''Drake''': Totally.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Josh''': Why are you in such a hurry?
:'''Drake''': 'Cause I want Aunt Catherine's beach house, bad.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, so do I.
:'''Drake''': Well, we can't be late for the wedding, and we have to pick up the cake.
:'''Josh''': Dude, we got plenty of time, alright? Just as long as we get to the bakery before... ''[notices his laptop case gone]'' Hey, have you seen my laptop case? I thought I left it right here.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, I gave it to Craig and Eric.
:'''Josh''': You... You what?!
:'''Drake''': They told me you said it was cool.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, I said it was cool for 'em to borrow my computer, but why'd you give them the whole case? It had my cell phone in it and my keys to Mom's SUV! Now we have no car!
:'''Drake''': Well, I'll just call Craig and Eric and tell them to come back.
:'''Josh''': No, we can't. They don't have cell phones.
:'''Drake''': Why?
:'''Josh''': 'Cause Papa Nichols threw Eric's against the wall and broke it, and Craig's mom thinks cell phones cause ear sores!
:'''Drake''': Craig does get a lot of ear sores.
:'''Josh''': Look, we cannot be late to this wedding!
:'''Drake''': Right, okay, um... Trevor!
:'''Josh''': What about Trevor?
:'''Drake''': We'll borrow his car.
:'''Josh''': His girlfriend sleeps in it.
:'''Drake''': No, they broke up. She sleeps in some other guy's car now.
:'''Josh''': I don't wanna go to a wedding in Trevor's El Camino, it's old and gross.
:'''Drake''': So is Aunt Catherine.
:'''Josh''': Drake, if we--
:'''Drake''': Look, it runs, and the wedding cake will fit in the back. And the most important thing is it'll get us there on time. ''[starts calling Trevor on the phone]'' 

===Mindy Loves Josh===
:'''Josh''': What do you want?
:'''Megan''': There's a couple of guys outside stealing  your bike.
:'''Josh''': Oh I just moved the chain, HANDS OFF MY RIDE! ''[runs outside]'' Hey!
:'''Mindy''': Maybe, I should have call the police.
:'''Megan''': Nah, no ones stealing his bike.
:'''Mindy''': What did you tell him that for? You got him all upset for nothing.
:'''Megan''': Yeah. 

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
Megan: What are you eating? 
Drake: Big cookie. 

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
Josh: Mindy, I am in the process of becoming a woman, so I worried… 
Drake: JOSH!!! OH, MY GOD, JOSH!!!! 
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Megan comes inside Drake and Josh's room and tells Drake her truth after making his hands green (when she saw Drake eating her cookie)]''
:'''Drake''': Oh, it's you. Close the door!
:'''Megan''': ''[closes the door and walks up to Drake]'' What's going on?
:'''Drake''': Swear not to tell mom and dad?
:'''Megan''': Swear.
:'''Drake''': Well, I've have this rare skin disease called dermatameculitis.
:'''Megan''': ''[gasps]'' Oh my god! Are you okay?
:'''Drake''': I will be. See, I read online that you can cure it by soaking in zipholic acid which is in lizard pee.
:'''Megan''': Or you know there is another cure.
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Megan''': Next time, don't eat my big cookie.
:'''Drake''': What are you saying?
:'''Megan''': I tricked you into thinking you have a rare skin disease by dying your hands and feet green while you slept and that you were stupid enough to actually fall for it and stick your hands and feet in buckets in lizard pee. That what I'm saying.
:'''Drake''': Megan!
:'''Megan''': You have a little somethin' on your upper lip.
:''[Drake touches his upper lip with his green hand and suffers from it as Megan leaves his and Josh's room]''
:'''Drake''': Wait!
:'''Megan''': What?
:'''Drake''': Is it gone?
:''[Megan leaves the room]''

===Who's Got Game?===
:'''Carly''': ''[walks up to Drake]'' Help you find something?
:'''Drake''': Oh no, I got- ''[turns to see her]'' No, I got it.
:'''Carly''': Sparks, nice. Yes, I saw them live last week at &quot;The Phyton&quot;.
:'''Drake''': No way, I was there.
:'''Carly''': Oh, yeah, you were that guy in the crowd listening.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, that was me!
:'''Carly''': I was kidding.
:'''Drake''': Me, too.
:'''Carly''': Come on, I'll ring you up.
:'''Drake''': Okay.
:''[they both walk up to the cashier's desk]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Josh''': ''[walks up to Drake]'' Well, while you keep kissing your new girlfriend, I'm going to go back home and move my special pillow onto your bed.
:'''Drake''': What? ''[turns around to Josh]''
:'''Josh''': Well, I've had 22 dates this you week and you've only had one.
:'''Drake''': Okay, yeah. I guess you get my bed. Alright, you win.
:'''Josh''': I win? I GOT MORE GIRLS THAN DRAKE!! ''[laughs]'' JOSH NICHOLS IS NO LONGER A LITTLE CATERPILLAR, AH, HE IS A BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY!! ''[flaps wings for a while then stops out of embarrassment]'' See you guys at home. ''[walks away]''

===The Great Doheny===
:'''Josh''': Uh, Megan. This is Henry Doheny. I'm gonna go make him a sandwich with some crinko cup fries and you keep him company. ''[runs off to make Doheny his sandwich]''
:'''Megan''': Henry Doheny. Didn't you use to be like a really famous magician?
:'''Henry Doheny''': Hmmm. ''[pretends to think]''  Why don't you, reach into, ''[points to trash can and Megan looks at it]'' that decorative trash can and tell me.
:'''Megan''': ''[looks at him, searches through the trash-can, picks out old papers than a bunny, and gasps]'' A bunny!
:'''Henry Doheny''': Her name is Cookie, if you hold her close, she'll lick your nose.
:'''Megan''': ''[puts Cookie to her face and Cookie begins to lick her as she laughs]'' Oh my god, this is the cutest bunny I've ever seen! Can I keep her?
:'''Henry Doheny''': I insist!
:'''Megan''': Thanks! ''[goes to her room, admiring Cookie]''
:'''Henry Doheny''': ''[To Drake]'' Pick a card!
:'''Drake''': ''[picks a card]'' Now what?
:'''Henry Doheny''': Now, put it back. ''[Drake gives the card back and he takes the deck into his jacket]''
:'''Drake''': ''[looks at Doheny with a weird gaze]'' What's my card?
:'''Henry Doheny''': Cough. ''[Drake coughs out a card]'' Open it. ''[Drake does so and Doheny isn't even looking]'' Is that your card?
:'''Drake''': Yeah. Please do me a favor and don't make things come outta my body.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:'''Lexi''': How did I get in here? 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Walter''': ''[looking himself in the mirror after Doheny made him bald]'' Ahh! Check me out! I'm bald. ''[leaving the room]'' Honey, Mr. Doheny made me bald!

===I Love Sushi===
:'''Josh''': ''[presses record button on video camera remote for filming contest entry video]'' Dear pump my room, this is our living room.
:'''Drake''': A room, in which we live. 
:'''Josh''': Um, we really wish we'd win this makeover.
:'''Drake''': But not for us.
:'''Josh''': For our parents.
:'''Drake''': We call them, &quot;Mom and Dad&quot;.
:'''Josh''': You see, my dad married his mom almost five years ago.
:'''Drake''': I am still in shock.
:'''Josh''': And soon, it'll be their fifth anniversary.
:'''Drake''': ''[sheepishly]'' Still in shock.
:'''Josh''': Now, we can't afford to buy them anything fancy.
:'''Drake''': So we pray that you wonderful people at Pump my Room choose us.
:'''Josh''': Eh, our parents.
:'''Drake''': For the special gift, of a room makeover. ''[desperately]'' Please.
:'''Josh''': ''[desperately]'' Please. ''[Drake and Josh both embrace each other, drake grabs for the remote to end the video recording]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Josh''': Okay, mom and dad. Here it comes.
:'''Drake''': Who's ready to go inside?
:'''Audrey''': What is up with you guys?
:'''Walter''': Yeah, you kept us out all day driving all over the city.
:'''Drake''': Get ready. ''[he opens the door as he, Josh, Walter, and Audrey come inside the house]''
:'''Drake and Josh''': HAPPY ANNIVERS- ''[they turn on the lights to reveal that the furniture in the living room has been stolen]'' -''[lamely]'' sery.
:'''Walter''': Drake?
:'''Audrey''': Josh!
:'''Walter''': Where's our stuff?
:'''Josh''': We've been robbed!
:'''Drake''': ''[curious]'' Surprise!
:''[Walter and Audrey both get shocked after all of the furniture from the living room disappeared]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Drake Parker. Josh Nichols. ''[Drake and Josh come in Mr. Nadel's office]'' What do you want?
:'''Josh''': We understand that you give people temporary jobs?
:'''Mr. Nadel''': So?
:'''Josh''': And we'd like one.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': And I'd like to meet with another woman who doesn't change her phone number after the first date.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, well good luck with that.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Ok, what are your skills?
:'''Drake''': I play guitar and date girls.
:'''Josh''': Well, I'm an honor student. I'm pretty good with magic tricks, I can cook. Oh, in the 5th grade I was vote most polite child-
:'''Mr. Nadel''': ''[yells]'' NO! THAT'S ENOUGH! ''[in a normal voice]'' Well, let's see, I've got men's room attendant, ditch digger, or you could clean up after elephants at the zoo?
:'''Drake''': Wow, they all sound so wonderful.
:'''Josh''': Do you gave any jobs that are, you know... not repulsive?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, and we want one that pays a lot.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Sure, and I wanna meet a woman who doesn't change her phone number after the first date.
:'''Josh''': You already said that.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': ''[yelling]'' WELL IT HAPPENS EVERY TIME! I MEAN WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!
:'''Drake''': We just want jobs.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Alright look, I got two jobs working the line at a fish factory. Not glamorous enough for you?
:'''Josh''': Well, what would we have to do?
:'''Mr. Nadel''': You'd be assembling packages of sushi for distribution to local supermarkets. Pays 18 bucks an hour. Each.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, we'll take it.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Good. Happy. Happy. Here's the address. Be there Saturday morning 8:00.
:'''Drake:''' 8:00?
:'''Josh''': We'll be there.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Yeah, yeah.
:''[Drake and Josh leave Mr. Nadel's office; Nadel types in numbers on his phone from a piece of paper]''
:'''Phone''': The number you have reached has been disconnected
:'''Mr. Nadel''': ''[bangs on desk]'' EVERY TIME! Stupid lotion! ''[knocks a bottle of lotion on the floor]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': Look man, we tried our best I can't think of anything else...
:''[Drake and Josh realize they're sitting on the couch and feel it to make sure they're not dreaming Josh looks around and sees everything back in the living room]''
:'''Josh''': The Furniture's back!
:'''Drake''': We did it!
:'''Josh''': We didn't do anything!
:'''Audrey''': Howdy, boys.
:'''Walter''': Surprised?
:'''Josh''': Yeah! How'd you get our furniture back?
:'''Audrey''': The police found the robbers moving van.
:'''Walter''': It was broken down about a half a mile up the street.
:'''Drake''': And they found everything?
:'''Walter''': Yep.
:'''Audrey''': It's all here. ''[smells rotten stench on Drake and Josh]'' Do I smell rotting sushi?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, it's a long story.
:'''Josh''': Uh see we...
:'''Walter''': ''[cuts Josh off at mid sentence]'' We don't want to know.

===The Storm===
:''[Drake hits Eric in the chest and notices Lucy]''
:'''Eric''': Ow.
:'''Drake''': That's Lucy, my ex-girlfriend. Josh invited my ex-girlfriend?
:'''Eric''': Well, yeah. When we were going over the gas list, Josh said you and Lucy were still friends.
:'''Drake''': Well, we are, but I invited Carly. I can't have my current girlfriend and my ex-girlfriend at the same party. You want the universe to explode? Man, what am I gonna--? ''[hits Eric in the chest again and notices Christine]'' 
:'''Eric''': Ow!
:'''Drake''': Christine? How many of my ex-girlfriends are here?
:'''Eric''': Just those two. I hope. Or else I'm gonna need chest replacement surgery!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': ''[after being on the phone with Josh]'' That was Josh.
:'''Julio''': They cancelled the concert?
:'''Drake''': The whole stage is underwater.
:'''Gary''': My uncle's got a boat!
:'''Drake''': That's great, Gary. Why don't ya climb into your uncle's boat and SAIL OFF TO MORON ISLAND?!!! 

&lt;hr width=“50%”&gt; 
:'''Crazy Steve''': C'MON, DORA!!!

===My Dinner with Bobo===
:''[Drake and Josh and Megan get a car]''
:'''Megan''': ''[looking at a car with tattooed flowers]'' Oh my god! I love this car! Let's buy this one!
:'''Drake''': Shall we harmonize?
:'''Josh''': Let's.
:'''Drake and Josh''': ''[singing]'' No!
:'''Megan''': Dad said I can help pick out the car.
:'''Drake''': Uh yes. And thank you for helping us decide we're not getting this one.
:'''Megan''': Don't push me.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': ''[appears and gets out of his cart]'' Well now, let me guess! You folks are looking for a car.
:'''Josh''': Hey, you're Stan the Car Man.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': The very same.
:'''Josh''': I know, I love your commercials. You need a car, you need a truck, you need a van! Come see Stan the Car Man!
:'''Drake''': Who sells trucks and vans.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': I don't like it when people imitate me.
:'''Josh''': I'm sorry.
:'''Drake''': I'm also sorry. ''[points at a monkey]'' Hey, Bobo! Aw, I love this guy! ''[picks up Bobo]''
:'''Stan the Car Man''': He seems to have taken a liking to you too!
:'''Drake''': Aw, he's awesome.
:'''Megan''': Yeah, maybe he can tutor you in math.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': How much were you boys hoping to spend in this vehicle?
:'''Drake''': About $2400.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': $2400. About what car did you had in mind?
:'''Josh''': Something safe.
:'''Drake''': Something fast.
:'''Josh''': Gets good mileage.
:'''Drake''': It's gotta have satellite radio.
:'''Josh''': Heated seats would be nice.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': Huh?
:'''Josh''': I get cold down there.
:'''Megan''': Look! No one is interested in your butt temperature problems.
:'''Josh''': Dr. Fish bum is.
:'''Drake''': Look, can you just show us something we can afford?
:'''Stan the Car Man''': Well, I surely can. Right over there!
:'''Josh''': Alright.
:'''Drake''': Come on. ''[he and Josh walk away]''
:'''Stan the Car Man''': Butt temperature problems?
:'''Megan''': He's a mess. ''[she and Stan the Car Man walk away too]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake and Josh come inside Dr. Favershim's apartment to rescue Bobo]''
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Come in.
:'''Drake''': We are in.
:'''Josh''': Yeah. And we want Bobo back.
:'''Dr. Favershim''': I'm sorry, we had a deal. $10,000 for your delicious friends.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, well deal's off.
:'''Josh''': So just take your check back and give us Bobo.
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Are you sure?
:'''Josh''': Absolutely.
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Very well, Bobo is in the back of the closet right over there. You may fetch him.
:'''Josh''': Back of the closet?
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Good.
:'''Josh''': Come on dude, let's go get him.
:'''Drake''': Whoa? Is he in here?
:'''Josh''': Perhaps.
:'''Drake''': In the coat, where is he?
:''[when Dr. Favershim locked Drake and Josh in the closet so he could eat Bobo, Drake and Josh yell inside the closet in order to get out after Dr. Favershim pranked them]''
:'''Dr. Favershim''': I'm sorry boys, but I can't let you interfere with my dinner plans. ''[takes off the curtain off of Bobo's cage]'' Hello, little friend. I hope you have good taste.
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' You open the door or we're gonna call the cops!
:'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' Yeah, we have a cellphone in here!
:'''Dr. Favershim''': You have no cellphone.
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Do too!
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Prove it.
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' How?
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Play me a ringtone.
:''[Josh plays a ringtone on his phone from the closet]''
:'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' See? I told ya we got a cellphone!
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Does it have Bluetooth?
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' What?!?!
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Your cellphone, does it have Bluetooth?
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Ya, dude it has Bluetooth.
:'''Dr. Favershim''': I don't believe you. Show me.
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Fine! Open the door! ''[Dr. Favershim opens door]'' See, Bluetooth! Ha, ha! ''[Dr. Favershim pushes Josh back in the closet, takes his phone, and locks the door again]'' What?! Oh, man!
:'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' Oh, nice goin', Bluetooth!
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Don't start with me! ''[Josh slaps Drake off-screen]''
:'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' Ow!
:''[Dr. Favershim cuts slices of a carrot and takes a bite and walks up to Bobo to eat a piece, too]'' 

===Tree House===
:''[Drake and Josh are trapped inside Robbie's treehouse when they're trying to rebuild it]''
:'''Josh''': Drake…? 
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Josh''': Where's the door hole?
:'''Drake''': It goes right there, see? I drew it with a magic marker.
:'''Josh''': You were supposed to cut it out with the power saw!
:'''Drake''': Dude, I'm gonna!
:'''Josh''': Oh, really?
:'''Drake''': Yes!
:'''Josh''': So go get the power saw.
:'''Drake''': Okay, I will! ''[tries to walk through the wall where the painted door is]'' I see the problem…. 
:'''Josh''': Oh, do ya?!

&lt;hr width=50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Megan refuses to let Drake and Josh out of the Robbie's tree house because she is angry that they made her miss her friend Janie's birthday party]''
:'''Megan''': ''[walks to Drake with a snow cone]'' Hey boob.
:'''Drake''': Where you've been?
:'''Megan''': I told you I was about to get a snow cone.
:'''Drake''': Okay, well now that you have one, can you please hand up the power saw so we can get out of here?
:'''Megan''': Let me think, no!
:'''Drake''': Listen to me! You make us miss our dates with those two hot identical twins. I swear- ''[Josh grabs him]''
:'''Josh''': Hey!
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Josh''': We don't need that power saw!
:'''Drake''': Then how are we gonna get out of here?
:'''Josh''': ''[grabs the power screwdriver]'' Power screwdriver! We just need to unscrew one of these walls and boom we are out!
:'''Drake''': Do it brother!
:'''Josh''': Okay. ''[he power screws the door but realized it's dead]'' Set this baby to reverse.
:'''Drake''': Why'd it stop?
:'''Josh''': I don't know. The screwdriver- ''[looks outside the window thinking that Megan unplugged it]'' MEGAN!
:'''Megan''': ''[satisfied; after she unplugged the power screwdriver]'' Yes, can I help you? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''[Craig and Eric hang out with the twins]''

===Josh is Done===
:'''Drake''': C'mon, let's play ping-pong!
:'''Josh''': Alright. I'll play if it'll stop you from yapping.
:'''Drake''': And the battle begins! ''[rings bell]'' Ohh, my worthy opponent. Are you prepared to ping the pong?
:'''Josh''': Wahahaha. I am prepared, young sedgewan. Your pong is no match for my ping!
:'''Drake''': Ahh, do your worst! ''[he and Josh play ping-pong until Josh's paddle flies out of his hand and out the window, to Josh’s horror]'' You have smashed the window of transparency!
:'''Josh''': ''[runs to the broken window]'' Aw, man! Mom and dad are gonna kill me!
:'''Drake''': Oh, probably. Come on, let's finish the game.
:'''Josh''': I don't have a paddle!
:'''Drake''': Oh, there's an extra one downstairs, be back in a sec.
:'''Josh''': We can't be late for this-
:'''Drake''': I'll be back in a few seconds, you can study while I'm gone. ''[gives Josh the book and leaves the room]''
:'''Josh''': I don't think it leaves us enough- ''[opens the book a reads a page]'' What is the atomic weight of beryllium? 9.01. ''[yells]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Josh''': ''[All sweaty from running all the way to class after Drake left him behind, bumps into the door]'' PLEASE! PLEASE, LEMME IN!! I AM SORRY I'M LATE! ''[Drake looks at him from his desk]''
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Opens the door]'' Mr. Nichols, you know the rule. 
:'''Josh''': B-But you don't understand. You see, I was just about to- 
:'''Mr. Roland''': I understand that you are late, and when you're late to my class, you're not welcomed in my class. 
:'''Josh''': Uh, b-but w-what about the exam? 
:'''Mr. Roland''': You will take a make-up exam next Saturday morning at 6AM, and you will be marked down 1 letter grade! 
:'''Josh''': ''[Very upset and despairing]'' Oh, no. No-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh!!! ''[Points at Drake angrily]'' YOU!
:'''Drake''': ''[Defensively]'' What? 
:'''Josh''': ''[Yells and runs in the classroom to attack Drake, only to be held back by the other students, while Drake stares]'' COME HERE! COME HERE, YOU WANNA TUSSLE!? LET'S GO!! LET ME CLOSER!!! 
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[enraged]'' Mr. Nichols! Mr. Nichols, you will leave this classroom NOW! 
:'''Josh''': But- 
:'''Mr. Roland''': NOW! 
:'''Josh''': I- 
:'''Mr. Roland''': NOW! 
:'''Josh''': ''[defeated]'' Now...? ''[Leaves the classroom as Mr. Roland locks the classroom door, as Josh continues trying to plead his case]'' Now, if you would just allow me to explain, OH!!! ''[Mr. Roland yanks down the door window shade]''
:'''Mr. Roland''': As I was saying, you will have 55 minutes to complete your exams. ''[Mr. Roland walks over to the classroom windows to close the blinds as Josh from outside still tries to plead his case.]'' You will use a #2 pencil.
:'''Josh''': ''[Sobbing]'' Your so hard! 
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Closes first blind]'' Not #1, not #3.
:'''Josh''': ''[Still sobbing]'' So unbelievably hard!
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Closes second blind]'' If you have any questions during the exams, don’t ask them!
:'''Josh''': ''[Still sobbing]'' I really do, I give everything a hundred…
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Closes last blind]'' I want silence in this classroom! Silence, is golden.
:'''Josh''': ''[Freaks out]'' Nooo! Nah! Nah! Nah! Nah!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Drake''': ''[Gets home after the exam (which he failed most likely) and takes Robbie's sit-n-bounce just to get Josh over his rage, still not caring about making him late earlier despite wanting to have fun together]'' Hey, Josh. What goes on? 
:'''Josh''': Just readin' my book. 
:'''Drake''': ''[signs]'' Look, I'm sorry about this morning. You know, but Kat called and wanted to make out, and, you know, Kat. 
:'''Josh''': ''[Knowing that Drake's apology is fake]'' Yes, yes. She's very pretty. 
:'''Drake''': Alright, you're still mad. But you won't be for long, 'cause I got you your very own sit-n-bounce! ''[Josh says nothing]'' Sit-n-bounce!  
:'''Josh''': No, thanks. 
:'''Megan''': Doesn't that kid Robbie next door have a sit-n-bounce just like that? 
:'''Drake''': No! No. And, c'mon, have you ever sat and bounced before? You can't be upset when you're sittin' and bouncin'. ''[plays with it. Josh closes his book and gets up, Drake bounces in front of him]'' 
:'''Josh''': Would you please move?
:'''Drake''': ''[stop bouncing]'' Look, dude, I said I was sorry.
:'''Josh''': Oh, I heard you.
:'''Drake''': Well, stop being mad at me.
:'''Josh''': I'm not mad at you. I'm done.
:'''Drake''': What's that supposed to mean?
:'''Josh''': I don't want anything to do with you anymore.
:'''Drake''': So what, are you gonna move out?
:'''Josh''': No, this is a house where I live, and I guess we'll be roommates until the day I leave for college. But that's all we'll be, is roommates. I'm done with you. ''[walks away, leaving Drake concerned]'' 
:'''Megan''': Whoa! 
:'''Drake''': What? 
:'''Megan''': You really did it this time. 
:'''Drake''': Oh, c'mon, ya know how many times Josh has been ''furious'' with me? Uh, he'll pout for a day or 2, and then he'll get over it. 
:'''Megan''': I dunno, he sounded pretty serious. 
:'''Drake''': Trust me. Alright, I know Josh, and there's no way he's gonna keep this up- 
:'''Robbie''': ''[walks in]'' I knew it! I knew you took my sit-n-bounce! ''[kicks Drake in the leg and takes his sit-n-bounce back]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''[Without Josh, Drake begins suffering bad luck, while Josh's life improves with more good luck than ever, even passing his make-up exam and getting his grade back up]'' 
:'''Drake''': ''[arrives at the Primere ]'' Hello, Josh.
:'''Josh''': Hi, Drake.
:'''Craig''': Why are you all sweaty?
:'''Drake''': I'm all sweaty because I ran out of gas and I had to walk all the way here because SOMEBODY forgot to fill up the car!
:'''Josh''': It's not my responsibility to fill the car with gas.
:'''Drake''': You always fill up the car!
:'''Josh''': Used to, now I put in just enough gas for myself.
:'''Drake''': Well, good! You know, good for you! I DON'T NEED YOUR GAS! And just so you know, I'm gonna go see a movie right now and I don't need a free ticket from you cause mom paid me 10 bucks to get out of the house! So I don't need you for ANYTHING!
:'''Leah''': Movie tickets here are $11.
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Eric''': And popcorn and soda are gonna cost you another 6 or 7.
:'''Drake''': D'oh! You know what? I'm not even gonna buy a ticket, I'm just going in. Right, just going right in! ''[yells at ticket checker employee, he stubbornly walks into theater 7]'' 
:'''Josh''': ''[clears throat, grabs the communicator]'' Security, we have a problem in theater 7: male Caucasian, sweaty, wearing a gray sweatshirt. ''[beeps]'' So what's the difference between a hoagie and a submarine sandwich? 
:'''Steve''': I always thought a hoagie was a hot sandwich, and a submarine could be served hot or cold. 
:'''Craig''': No, I think it's the other way around. 
:'''Eric''': Okay, but what's a grinder? 
:'''Leah''': Same thing as a hoagie. 
:'''Drake''': ''[getting dragged by the security guards]'' Hey! Hey! Let go, let go! Josh, Josh! Tell them to let me go! Josh, Josh! Tell them! Tell them! Look this way, I know this guy, I know this guy. Ask him, ask him. 
:'''Security Guard''': Is this guy a friend of yours? 
:''[pause]''
:'''Josh''': ''[satisfied]'' No, he's not. 
:'''Drake''': ''[frustrated]'' Josh!! Oh. You're gonna regret this, Josh! You need me! YOU NEED ME!!! 
:'''Josh''': So, hoagie and grinder same thing, huh? 
:'''Leah, Steve, Eric, &amp; Craig''': ''[All talking at once in agreement]'' Yes./That's right./Uh-huh./Yeah. 
:'''Steve''': All in the sandwich family.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': ''[After being switched with another lab partner named Clayton, messes up his science experiment, causing green water to flow and spill over his hand]'' Whoa-whoa! Hey-hey! What's happening, what's happening!? Oh-okay-okay-okay! Arms tingling, arms tingling! 
:'''Craig''': Chemical emergency! ''[Turns on the alarm]'' 
:'''Mr. Roland''': Let's get him in the power-shower! ''[Grabs Drake and carries him into the chemical shower, as Josh watches in shock]'' 
:'''Drake''': Hey-hey! Watch it, will you-!? What is this!? ''[Roki shuts the door, Mr. Roland turns on the water]'' What are you, what are you-!? AAA-OOHHHH!!!! ''[Starts yelling as the water stingingly washes off the chemicals]''  
:'''Mr. Roland''': Drake, are you alright? 
:'''Drake''': Hey! What is this water!? Ow! ''[Continues yelling as everybody, including Josh, watches]'' 
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Drake has just been in the chemical shower, turns off the water]'' Drake, you may come out now. ''[Drake comes out, all soaked and groaning]'' Sit down, Drake. ''[Drake ignores him, walks towards the door]'' Drake, sit down!
:'''Drake''': No!
:'''Mr. Roland''': Drake!
:'''Drake''': Josh!
:'''Josh''': What?
:'''Drake''': Look, I'm sorry.
:'''Josh''': Well--
:'''Drake''': Look, let me finish, okay? I was wrong, okay? I was wrong.
:'''Josh''': What d'you mean?
:'''Drake''': I-I need you more than you need me. Uh, I-I need you ''way more'' than you need me, a-alright? I'm sorry. M-Man, I'm sorry I made you late for your exam, and I'm sorry I ran over your bike, and I, uh-- I-I'm sorry, I'm probably the worst brother in the world! And y-you know, you're way better off without me, you know? I just-- I just need you to understand that-- uh, I just-- Sorry, Josh, I'm sorry. ''[tearfully walks out of the classroom, leaving Josh stunned]''
:'''Mr. Roland''': Josh, would you like to go talk to Drake?
:'''Josh''': ''[realizes he has gone a little too far for cutting Drake out of his life, seeing how he learned his lesson the hard way]'' No. No, sir.
:'''Mr. Roland''': Alright. Class, let's get back to our experiments. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[As Drake miserably tries to play ping-pong alone, Josh runs in with a kung fu yell, ready to forgive his brother]''
:'''Josh''': Hoaw! We have unfinished business, young sedgewan. 
:'''Drake''': Josh…. 
:'''Josh''': Wa-cho! You will address me only as Master Mon-googoo. ''[Drake cheers up as Josh picks up his paddle]'' 
:'''Drake''': Your words, they are strong. Uh, but your skills are weak!
:'''Josh''': Your foolishness, young sedgewan, has sealed your fate! 
:'''Drake''': Aw, destiny is mine! ''[They play ping-pong ball together and reconcile again happily as the episode ends]''

===Eric Punches Drake===
:'''Mr. Roland''': Josh, Mindy. The new chemistry books just arrived. They're in my classroom. 
:'''Mindy''': No way! 
:'''Josh''': Oh, come on! 
:'''Craig''': Hey, remember in Dragon to Death when Billy Chang fights Joaquin the Dream?
:'''Eric''': Remember? One does not forget the wo-cho fist of silence. ''[Tries to demonstrate, only to accidentally punch Drake in the eye and knock him out in the process]'' Oh, my god! 
:'''Craig''': Drake, are you alright!? 

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
:'''Josh''': Hey, Craig. 
:'''Craig''': Evenin'. 
:'''Josh''': Where's Eric? 
:'''Craig''': Oh, he didn't wanna come. He was afraid Drake might be mad at him 'cause he punched him in the eye. 
:'''Josh''': He's not mad. Drake, you're not mad, are you? 
:'''Drake''': Nah, I'm not mad. Craig didn't mean to hit me. 
:'''Craig''': I'M Craig! 
:'''Drake''': ''[scoffs]'' It matters. 

&lt;hr width =50%&gt; 
:''[door bell rings]'' 
:'''Josh''': Yo, Drake, get that! 
:'''Drake''': Got it. ''[opens the door and finds Mindy there]'' Oh, is it Halloween already? Aren't you a scary, little witch? 
:'''Mindy''': Oh, look at your black eye. Well, I hope it hurts.
:'''Drake''': You shebeast!
:'''Mindy''': Microbrain!
:'''Drake''': Weirdface!
:'''Mindy''': Ignoramus!
:'''Drake''': ''[beat]'' What?
:'''Mindy''': Exactly! 
:'''Chad''': Hey. 
:'''Mindy''': Oh, hey. 
:'''Chad''': Sorry, I had to park the car at the bottom of the hill. 
:'''Mindy''': Oh, no problem. Step aside. ''[both walk inside. Drake suspects Chad to be Mindy's new boyfriend and goes into the kitchen, while Josh and Craig set up the projector]'' 
:'''Drake''': JOSH! 
:'''Josh''': ''[jumps, accidentally flips the projector]'' Aw, now I gotta reset the white balance! 
:'''Drake''': No, I need to talk to you! ''[to Craig]'' Get out. ''[Craig walks out]'' 
:'''Josh''': What? 
:'''Drake''': Mindy's here.  
:'''Josh''': I know, I invited her. 
:'''Drake''': Did you invite ''him?'' ''[turns Josh's head around towards Chad]''  
:'''Josh''': Who's him? 
:'''Drake''': Her date. 
:'''Josh''': ''[shudders]'' I don't care. 
:'''Drake''': Yes, you do!

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
:'''Drake''': Hey, Clayton. 
:'''Clayton''': ''[mumbling]'' Hi. 
:''[Drake slips his mouth-wash, then takes Clayton's water bottle, spits in it, and gives it back to him (possibly as revenge for Drake's chemical incident in the previous episode), to Clayton's disgust. 3 students walk behind Drake, laughing at him]''
:'''Drake''': Hello? 
:'''Boy''': ''[sees Drake's black eye]'' It's true! 
:'''Drake''': Oh, the black eye? Yeah, a little accident. 
:'''Boy''': That's not what we heard. 
:'''Drake''': And what did you hear? 
:'''Boy''': That you're making fun of Eric's sister. 
:'''Girl''': Hey, Drake. I heard you got punched by a nerd. 
:'''Drake''': IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!!! 

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
:'''Crazy Steve''': Excuse me, Josh. 
:'''Josh''': What!? 
:'''Crazy Steve''': I notice you're stacking that candy in an angry way. 
:'''Josh''': I AM angry! Alright, Mindy's over there with her new boyfriend, rubbing him right in my face. 
:'''Crazy Steve''': I just give this a little squeeze... DON'T DRINK WHILE I'M TALKING!!!! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Craig''': ''[pops up from the trash can]'' Hello.
:'''Drake''': ''[screams]'' Craig?
:'''Craig''': Are you alone?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, I'm alone.
:'''Craig''': Good. ''[holds out a bag of pork rinds]'' Pork rind?
:'''Drake''': Sure. ''[takes a pork rind from the bag and starts eating it]'' So you're the one that sent the blimp?
:'''Craig''': That's right.
:'''Drake''': ''[concerned]'' Why would you wanna take down Eric? He's your best friend.
:'''Craig''': WAS my best friend. Now that Eric's Mr. Popular pants and has a hot girlfriend, he doesn't give a rat's hat about me!
:'''Drake''': Rat's hat?
:'''Craig''': ''[furious]'' He's forgotten that I am the one who's been his best friend since we were 7 years old! THAT I'M THE ONE WHO DRIED HIS TEARS WHEN HIS IGUANA GOT DIABETES! THAT I--  
:'''Drake''': ''[He interrupts Craig]'' OKAY, OKAY, I get it, get it, get it. Just tell me how to stop him.
:'''Craig''': Ok, but first you have to promise me something.
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Craig''': I love to sing.
:'''Drake''': ''[confused, steps aside]'' And?
:'''Craig''': And you are like a professional singer.
:'''Drake''': ''[still confused]'' You wanna sing a song with me?
:'''Craig''': I've wanted this for a long time!
:'''Drake''': Ok, ok, if you help me prove Eric's a liar, you can sing a song with me.
:'''Craig''': Excellent. Now, listen carefully. Eric, is a pacifist.
:'''Drake''': I thought he was Jewish.
:'''Craig''': A pacifist is someone who refuses to fight.
:'''Drake''': Okay...
:'''Craig''': So, if you insult Eric in front of a bunch of people, he won't fight back, and then everyone will know he was lying about standing up to you!
:'''Drake''': Uh-huh!
:'''Craig''': And then he won't be popular anymore which means he'll come crawling back to me! And don't forget our song.
:'''Drake''': I won't forget the song.
:'''Craig''': Good, I'll start practicing.
:''[Drake walks away while Craig starts singing in the dumpster behind the school's cafeteria]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': ''[he stops the argument about stacks of cards]'' Okay, you know what?! You know what?! Enough with the cards, alright?! I got big problems!
:'''Josh''': What, that Eric thing?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, he's lying to everybody and ruining my life just to make himself popular. But you know what? 
:'''Josh''': What?
:'''Drake''': I'm gonna go find Eric and punch him right in his little nerdy head!
:'''Josh''': You don't want to do that! ''[grabs him]''
:'''Drake''': Then give me a one good reason.
:'''Josh''': 'Cause it's not gonna help you! Alright? It's just gonna make you look worse or you're gonna handle these things maturely.
:'''Drake''': Kinda like you do with Mindy?!
:'''Josh''': DIFFERENT!!! ''[crosses his arms]''
:'''Drake''': It's not different?
:'''Josh''': Mindy rubbing a new boyfriend in my face is an outrage, OUTRAGE!!!
:'''Drake''': And Eric wrecking my life isn't?!
:'''Josh''': I'm not saying it's not bro, but look you gotta help me with-- ''[the doorbell interrupts them as Drake opens the door and Clayton talks to Drake and Josh about what Drake did to his water]''
:'''Clayton''': ''[worried, mumbling]'' Why?
:''[Josh points to Drake and tells him to close the door. Drake awkwardly locks the door as he and Josh cool off]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chad''': Do you guys have free refills on the ginger ale?
:'''Josh''': Oh, you want some ginger ale do you? Yeah, Chad can't get enough of his precious ginger ale!! Oh, No! Well, I'll tell you what, Chad!!! Why not call up the ginger ale headquarters and have them back up a tanker truck to your mouth!? So Chad can drink ginger ale til' there's no more ginger ale for the REST OF THE EARTH'S POPULATION!!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[after Josh becomes obnoxious that Mindy has a new boyfriend, she comes over to check on him]''
:'''Josh''': What do you except? I mean, I know we're broken up, but that doesn’t give you the right to rub your new boyfriend in my face.
:'''Mindy''': He's not my boyfriend.
:'''Josh''': Look, I don't care what you call him-
:'''Mindy''': He's my cousin.
:'''Josh''': Your cousin?
:'''Mindy''': Yeah. I'm not dating anyone. He just moved here from St. Louis, so I've been showing him around.
:'''Josh''': Why didn't you tell me that?
:'''Mindy''': I tried, you never gave me a chance.
:'''Josh''': So tonight, you were just messing with my head? 
:'''Mindy''': I think you deserved it after the way you screamed at me. 
:'''Josh''': I still think that was a really obnoxious thing for you to do! 
:'''Mindy''': I think you acted ''way'' more obnoxious. 
:'''Josh''': Well, I'm just glad we're broken up! 
:'''Mindy''': Not as glad as I am! 
:'''Josh''': Oh, really?! 
:'''Mindy''': REALLY! ''[they make out]''
:'''Josh''': We're still broken up, right?
:'''Mindy''': Definitely.
:''[they continue to make out]''

===Megan's Revenge===
:''[Drake and Josh are in Megan's room]''
:'''Drake''': Now, put Megan's camera back where you found this. Being in her room creeps me out.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, me, too. ''[looks at Megan's hamster]'' Awww. Look at Megan's hamster. He's washing his little face.
:'''Drake''': Look, let's just get out of here.
:'''Josh''': Just wait. This is too cute. I gotta get a picture of him.
:'''Drake''': Well, hurry.
:'''Josh''': Okay! Smile, Hervay. 
:''[Hervay falls down from the camera shot Josh took]''
:'''Drake''': Awww. He's playing dead.
:'''Josh''': I think he really is dead!
:'''Drake''': Oh! That hamster cannot be dead. If that hamster is dead, we're dead because Megan’s gonna kill us!
:'''Josh''': W-W-What can I do about it?
:'''Drake''': I don't know your watch o.r.! Fix him.
:'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' Okay, okay. Um, alright, I need a CBC, uh, a chem seven chest phone.
:'''Drake''': Just give him CPU!
:'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' Alright! ''[takes out Hervay from his cage]'' See what everybody say with me!
:'''Drake''': Okay.
:'''Josh''': ''[blows on Hervay's mouth]'' 1 1,000 , 2 1,000 , 3 1,000 , BREATHE! ''[blows on Hervay's mouth again and tries to pick him up but fails]'' That's it. 10:22, I'm calling it!
:'''Drake''': NO! ''[runs up to Hervay and blows his mouth]'' 
:'''Josh''': ''[gaves Drake backwards]'' HE'S GONE!
:'''Drake''': Josh, Megan is going to kill us!
:'''Josh''': Maybe she won't. Maybe she'll understand.
:'''Drake''': Think about it. Megan does horrible horrible things to us every day for no reason. Now, SHE HAS A REASON!
:'''Josh''': WE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!
:''[Drake quickly puts the camera in her drawer and Josh puts Hervay back in his room as they leave Megan's room fast]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Drake''': Ow! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Megan uses a remote to create a hole on the floor to make Drake and Josh fall to the garage from their bedroom]''
:'''Megan''': Okay, that was good revenge, too. And by the way, you didn't kill Hervay. The camera flash just stunned. He's fine, see? ''[shows Drake and Josh her pet hamster Hervay who is still alive]''
:'''Drake and Josh''': MEGAN!

===Steered Straight===
:'''Josh''': Man, we can't get into the Reptile Room ''[nightclub]''. You have to be over 21.
:'''Drake''': You are, Mr... ''[pulls out fake ID]'' Yakitori!
:'''Josh''': ''[takes fake ID and looks at it]'' What's this?
:'''Drake''': Fake ID, here, check mine out. ''[takes out his own fake ID and gives it to Josh]''
:'''Josh''': ''[reads the name on Drake's fake ID]'' Jefferson Steelflex?
:'''Drake''': ''[laughs]'' Yeah, made it up.
:'''Josh''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, REALLY! So you're suggesting that we use fake IDs to get into a nightclub posing as... ''[reads the names on the IDs again]'' Jefferson Steelflex and Alvin Yakitori?
:'''Drake''': Yep. And, hey, we gotta be there before 10:30 because I'm pretty sure...
:'''Josh''': It's illegal to use fake IDs!
:'''Drake''': Yeah, well, it's illegal to rob banks, but people do it!
:'''Josh''': Yes, people who are BANK ROBBERS!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[after Blaze has gone]''
:'''Josh''': Are you CRAZY?! What if Mom, Dad or Megan are downstairs?
:'''Drake''': Look, both of the cars are gone, alright? So nobody's home.
:'''Josh''': Good. Oh, quick. Quick, let's call the cops before he comes back.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, right, right, right, right.
:'''Josh''': Okay.
:'''Drake''': Uh...
:'''Josh''': Uh, alright. ''[pushes the phone with his head and he and Drake struggle to call the police]'' Alright, work together. Teamwork.
:'''Drake''': Okay.
:'''Josh''': Teamwork.
:'''Drake''': Alright.
:'''Josh''': To the left.
:'''Drake''': Ow!
:'''Josh''': To the--
:'''Drake''': Grab it.
:'''Josh''': Alright. ''[the phone slides away from him and Drake]'' Teamworking.
:'''Drake''': Grab it. Alright, press the 9, man.
:'''Josh''': Oh, this isn't gonna work.
:'''Drake''': Alright. Fine, fine, here. ''[puts it behind him]'' I'll hold it behind my back, you dial it with your nose.
:'''Josh''': I'm not sticking my nose down there.
:'''Drake''': Would you rather take your chances with a vicious criminal?
:'''Josh''': I think so.
:'''Drake''': Oh, just dial the number.
:'''Josh''': Alright. ''[presses the 9 button with his nose]'' 9. ''[then the 1 button]'' 1. 
:''[sneezes on the phone and Drake lets go of it]''
:'''Drake''': Aw, man. You sneezed on my palm.
:'''Josh''': It is allergy season. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:'''Criminal''': It's some goofy-looking dude in a really bad shirt. 
:'''Drake and Josh''': Dad.

===Megan's First Kiss=== 
:'''Josh''': Thanks for the tip, dad! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:'''Megan''': Um, what are you doing this Saturday night?
:'''Drake''': Going to a concert at the Mega Dome.
:'''Josh''': Why?
:'''Drake''': 'Cause we bought tickets.
:'''Josh''': ''[to Drake]'' Not you! ''[to Megan]'' Why do you wanna know what we're doing Saturday night?
:'''Megan''': I don't care what you're doing.
:'''Drake''': But you just asked us.
:'''Megan''': Or, maybe you, just asked yourselves! Yeah. Think about that... ''[Megan leaves the room smiling]''
:'''Drake''': Okay I wanna know what her deal is!
:'''Josh''': Yeah, yeah, yeah she's up to something!
:'''Drake''': Yeah, first she hangs up the phone, pretends to not be talking to anybody.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, and she measures our necks and asks of our social plans.
:'''Drake''': Wait, she said we asked ourselves about that.
:'''Josh''': Really, you're not a smart boy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake and Josh walk into the Premiere disguised as Jews]''
:'''Drake''': Okay, all I'm saying is, the next time we need disguises, I'm getting them!
:'''Josh''': I told you, the costume shop was closed, the temple was open! And these are good disguises.
:'''Drake''': I don't even know what accent to talk with. 
:'''Josh''': Doesn't matter, just sound foreign.
:'''Helen''': Can I help you gentlemen find something?
:'''Josh''': ''[Irish accent]'' Top of the mornin to ya, how are ya? Potata!
:'''Helen''': Potato?
:'''Drake''': ''[Irish accent]'' Come along, Pontiac.
:'''Josh''': Yes, let's go observe the mulberry bush!
:'''Drake''': Pip pip da doodly-doo!
:'''Helen''': Pip pip da doodly-doo! I'm gonna start sayin that. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Megan''': I love you guys.

===The Battle of Panthatar===
:''[Opening comments: Drake and Josh ask themselves random questions]''
:'''Drake''': Hello, what's your name?
:'''Josh''': Hi! Who are you?
:'''Drake''': What is your favorite thing to eat?
:'''Josh''': What games do you like to play?
:'''Drake and Josh''': Me, too!
:'''Drake''': Hey, do you like me?
:'''Josh''': Do you wanna be my friend?
:'''Drake''': Aw, thank you!
:'''Josh''': ... What is that supposed to mean?
:'''Drake''': You think I'm handsome? What a special thing to say!
:'''Josh''': What? Who are you calling a dork? Hey hey hey hey! Go fetch your mother! Yeah I'm talking to you!
:'''Drake''': A present? For me?
:'''Josh''': Alright just put your kid right in front of the TV set because I have a few things to say!
:'''Drake''': ''[holding a handed a plate of cookies]'' A plate of cookies? Ohh, yummy!
:'''Josh''': I-I think it's pretty rude to tell a person that he's a --''[boy spits in his eye]''... did you just... you spit in my eye!
:'''Drake''': Mmm... these are my favorite!
:'''Josh''': Ohh, it burns! Aghh! Aghh!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:'''Thornton''': What's up, Nicholas? 

:'''Thronton''': MARIA!!! 
:'''Maria''': Thronton! 
:'''Josh''': Free popcorn??? 

:'''Thronton''': What's the matter with you!? 

:'''Josh''': ''[sobs]'' 
:'''Crazy Steve''': Excuse me! No yelling in the theater area. 
:'''Lady''': Excuse me, where's the ladies' restroom? 
:'''Crazy Steve''': I AM TALKING TO PEOPLE!!! 
:'''Thornton''': UNINVITED!!!! ''[storms away]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:''[Drake enters his and Josh's room]''
:'''Drake''': Hey.
:'''Josh''': Well? Did you go to Thornton's house? Did you apologize?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, I went to Thornton's house, and I apologized.
:'''Josh''': Well, perfect, and?
:'''Drake''': He had his housekeeper kick me out, then he hit me with a broom, and I fell down some brick stairs.
:'''Josh''': ''[groans]'' I really wanted to go to that party. Why do you ruin everything?
:'''Drake''': Don't worry, alright? I'm gonna figure a way to get even with that Thornton.
:'''Josh''': I don't wanna get even. ''[whining]'' I WANNA GO TO THAT BIRTHDAY PARTY!
:'''Drake''': Bro, Thornton hates us.
:'''Josh''': Well, let's make him love us again.
:'''Drake''': I tried.
:'''Josh''': Well, maybe we can... ''[notices Drake's autographed [[The Beatles|Beatles]] ''Abbey Road'' album]'' Hey. Isn't Thornton a huge Beatles fan?
:'''Drake''': Well, yeah, but I don't see what that has to do-- [realizes what Josh means] Oh, no, no. No way. ''[hides it in his arms]'' Don't even think about it.
:'''Josh''': I'm telling you, if we give him that album--
:'''Drake''': Absolutely not.
:'''Josh''': I guarantee you he'll re-invite us.
:'''Drake''': Dude, I love this album more than I love myself.
:'''Josh''': Dude.
:'''Drake''': Okay, but I love this album a lot. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:'''Thornton''': Hey! Drake and Josh are not invited! I want them outta here!

===[[w:Really Big Shrimp|Really Big Shrimp]]===
&lt;small&gt;Note: This episode was an hour long.&lt;/small&gt;
:'''Crazy Steve''': ''[looks at his watch]'' It's time! ''[he steals old man's cane and starts chasing Josh]'' You ate my enchilada!
:'''Josh''': There was no note!
:'''Crazy Steve''': You ate my enchilada!
:'''Josh''': There was no note! 
:'''Crazy Steve''': You ate my enchilada! 
:'''Josh''': I thought we settled this! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Audrey''': ''[hears doorbell; talking about Helen and Lula]'' Walter, they're here.
:'''Walter''': Ooh. ''[walks before the front door]''
:'''Megan''': Dad, are you sure about this?
:'''Walter''': Yes. And we are doing a very nice thing for a sweet old lady. ''[Lula breaks the door in] ''
:'''Lula''': Where's the bathroom?!
:'''Audrey''': Did you just break our door in?!
:'''Lula''': I rang the doorbell, waited 25 seconds, no one answered, what I supposed to do?
:'''Josh''': You could've rang the doorbell, again.
:'''Lula''': ''[to Helen]'' Who's that boy with a big head that looks like a tooth pick with a cantaloupe on top? ''[Megan laughs and Josh give her a furious look]''
:'''Megan''': What, am I going to pretend that wasn't funny?
:'''Helen''': That's Josh, he works with me at the Premeire. ''[introduces everyone else]'' That's Drake, I prefer him. That's Megan, that's Mrs. Parker (Audrey), and this is...''[forgets who Walter is]''
:'''Walter''': Walter!
:'''Lula''': Great, now where's the bathroom?!
:'''Audrey''': Right through that door.
:'''Lula''': Well, thank you for finally giving me that information! ''[walks into bathroom and slams door]''
:'''Audrey''': Is she always so--? 
:'''Helen''': Buh-bye! ''[goes away]''
:'''Megan''': I can't believe that lady is staying in our guest room for a week.
:'''Walter''': No, she's staying in your room.
:'''Megan''': What?!
:'''Audrey''': You'll be staying in the boys' room.
:'''Drake, Josh and Megan''': What?!
:'''Josh''': This is an outrage!
:'''Drake''': What are we gonna stay?
:'''Walter''': ''[to Drake and Josh]'' Your room is huge. The three of you will be fine for a week.
:'''Megan''': Aw, this is horrible.
:'''Walter''': It's not that bad.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Megan''': Fine, I'll tell him. Josh, Molly thinks you're cute.
:'''Megan's Friends''': Eww!
:''[Josh walks out of the room]''
:'''Molly''': Call me!!
:'''Megan's Friends''': Eww!
:''[Josh peeks his head back through the door]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake arrives home]''
:'''Audrey''': Super Bowl's on.
:'''Drake''': I don't care.
:'''Josh''': Come on, the commercial's up in about two minutes. You gotta watch. It's your song.
:'''Drake''': It's not my song. It's horrible bubble-gum pop garbage-y badness. That 50,000,000 people are about to hear. I'll be on the roof.
:'''Josh''': Why?
:'''Drake''': Because you're not there. ''[walks away]''
:'''Josh''': Drake! ''[runs off to Drake]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crazy Steve''': Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in...
:'''Lula''': ''[annoyed]'' I know how to breathe!
:'''Crazy Steve''': ''[screaming]'' '''''JUST DO WHAT I SAY!'''''
:'''Lula''': ''[scared]'' Okay. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mindy''': ''[Yells after Crazy Steve goes insane]'' Help! Crazy Steve's gone berserk! 
:'''Josh &amp; Helen''': Crazy Steve!? 
:'''Mindy''': WHO ELSE!? 
:'''Josh''': But it's Monday, you can't schedule Crazy Steve to work on a Monday! 
:'''Helen''': Monday's his bad day! 
:'''Mindy''': Well, no one TOLD me that!!! 
:'''Crazy Steve''': ''[waving nutted shoes]'' CUCKADOODLEDOO, THE COW SAYS MOO!!! 

I want the shrimp.

===Helicopter=== 
:'''Vince''': That's S.P.L.A.T.. 
:'''Drake''': That's spelled splat. 
:'''Vince''': Oh, man. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:''[Drake and Josh try to wake up Vince]''
:'''Josh''': Hey, hey. He's awake.
:'''Drake''': You're awake!
:'''Vince''': ''[wakes up]'' Oh, what happened? How long I been out?
:'''Drake''': About 10 minutes. 
:'''Vince''': Oh, I remember. You clowns were fighting over this parachute. ''[holds his head]'' Oh, what'd I hit my head on?
:'''Josh''': This fire extinguisher.
:'''Vince''': Oh.
:'''Josh''': See, I'm pretty sure you hit your head right on this lever-- ''[he accidentally sprays Vince with a fire extinguisher and Vince screams outside after he pranked him]''
:'''Drake''': ''[angrily]'' Do you know what you just did?!
:'''Josh''': ''[worried]'' I extinguished our pilot?
:'''Drake''': ''[angrily]'' No, he has a parachute! You've extinguished us!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Vince angrily arrives at Drake and Josh's house after Drake and Josh blasted him out of the helicopter]''
:'''Vince''': You blasted me out of my own helicopter.
:'''Drake &amp; Josh''': Wha-- shh!
:'''Drake''': Not in front of our parents.
:'''Audrey''': Who is it?
:'''Drake &amp; Josh''': Uh--
:'''Drake''': Some, crazy, guy.
:''[Josh whistles]''
:'''Walter''': ''[to Audrey]'' I'll handle this. ''[he walks over to Vince]'' How can I help you?
:'''Vince''': Are you their father?
:'''Walter''': Yes. ''[Vince angrily gives him a bill]'' What's this?
:'''Vince''': ''[angrily]'' A bill. That's how much you owe me for my new helicopter.
:'''Walter''': What? ''[looks at the bill Vince gave him how much he needs to pay for his helicopter]'' '''''$400,000?!'''''
:''[Audrey and Megan are both shocked]''
:'''Drake''': ''[as Walter]'' Boys, you're both grounded.
:'''Josh''': But, Dad--
:'''Drake''': ''[as Walter]'' Grounded, two weeks.
:'''Josh''': But it wasn't our fault!
:'''Drake''': ''[as Walter]'' Upstairs.
:'''Josh''': ''[defeated]'' Yes, sir.
:'''Drake''': Night.
:'''Josh''': Night.
:''[knowing the consequences, Drake and Josh ground themselves for two weeks as the episode ends]''

===Dance Contest===
:'''Eric''': So, uh, Josh, thanks for throwing me this... great party.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, this is quite a party. Hope the neighbors don't call the cops on us.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:'''Stage director''': STOP IT! ''[multiple times]'' Perhaps, you ladies didn't read the rules: you fight, you're out! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Drake and Josh''': ''[last lines]'' Who is she?

==External links==

{{wikipedia|Drake &amp; Josh}}

[[Category:Drake &amp; Josh seasons]]
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3153662</id>
      <parentid>3153661</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T20:23:42Z</timestamp>
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      <comment>/* Mindy Loves Josh */</comment>
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      <text bytes="58388" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
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:'''Seasons:'''  [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 1|1]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 2|2]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 3|3]] [[Drake &amp; Josh/Season 4|4]] | [[Drake &amp; Josh|Main]]
----
'''''[[w:Drake &amp; Josh|Drake &amp; Josh]]''''' is an American television sitcom created by Dan Schneider for Nickelodeon. The series follows the lives of two teenage boys with opposite personalities, Drake Parker (Drake Bell) and Josh Nichols (Josh Peck), who are stepbrothers.

===Josh Runs Into Oprah===
:''[Megan opens up Josh's birthday cake]''
:'''Josh''': You made me a birthday cake?
:'''Megan''': Uh-huh. Mom gave me the recipe. I think it turned out pretty good. There.
:'''Josh''': Wow! This is really full of poison, isn't it?
:'''Megan''': No!
:'''Josh''': No, what then, huh, huh, huh, hot sauce some kind of extreme laxident?
:'''Megan''': Oh, c'mon! I wouldn't let you eat a cake that make you sick on your birthday.
:'''Josh''': I'm sorry.
:'''Megan''': It's okay. Make a wish. ''[Josh blows out the birthday candles from his cake as it exploded and he turns around to Megan as he had cake pieces on his face when she pranked him]'' I didn't say it wouldn't explode!
:'''Josh''': I don't blame you so much for doing it, as I blame myself for not anticipating it.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:'''Drake''': Hey, WATCH IT, WATCH IT!!! ''[Josh screams]'' 
:''[Oprah screams as they accidentally hit her and she jumps onto the front of their car and slides off, much to Josh's horror]'' 
:'''Woman''': OPRAH!!! Oh, my god! Oprah! Somebody call for help! 
:'''Josh''': I RAN OVER OPRAH!!! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Josh angrily comes home from the hospital after Drake pranked the whole hospital thinking Josh has a virus, which in return, causes him to get a chemical bath]''
:'''Drake''': Hey, man.
:'''Josh''': ''HEY, MAN''?!
:'''Drake''': Hey... man?
:'''Josh''': You left me at hospital to be chemicaLY bathed!
:'''Drake''': Oh, yeah, how'd it go?
:'''Josh''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, actually, it was quite soothing especially the part where they...OH, IT WAS HORRIBLE!!
:'''Drake''': Kay, what up with the 'tude?
:'''Josh''': D'you know what its like to get an involuntry chemical bath? it stings...''EVERYWHERE''!
:'''Drake''': Alright, look. Tell you what, I'm going to make up to you, okay?
:'''Josh''': No. Okay, no you're not, because that's when the badness happens. The only time you do anything nice to me is after you caused me some kind of physical damage or emotional distress! You are never going to make up anything to me ever again!
:'''Drake''': Wait, do these sound okay to you? ''[Drake plays his Bongos for Josh to try to cheer him up, but Josh rips the taped up Bongos then leaves]'' Would you bring me the hot glue gun?
:'''Josh''': NOT REALLY! ''[slams the door]''

===Vicious Tiberius===
:''[Drake and Josh found out that their dad did not answer the phone because he was working out at home singing]''
:'''Drake''': Well?
:'''Josh''': No answer.
:'''Drake''': You probably dialed the wrong number. Let me see it--
:'''Josh''': No, I think I know our own number.
:'''Drake''': Dude, just let me try-- ''[he and Josh both fight with Josh's phone and it lands in the toilet]'' Nice! ''[sees Josh's phone in the toilet]''
:'''Josh''': It's your fault. Go get it.
:'''Drake''': I'm not putting my hand in there! That's where Mrs. Hayfer pees!
:'''Josh''': Probably doesn't even work anymore.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, well, let's see. ''[flushes Josh's phone away]'' It still works.
:'''Josh''': I knew the toilet still worked, Drake. I MEANT MY PHONE!
:'''Drake''': Oh, well, that's gone.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Megan''': ''[offscreen]'' Hello? Anybody home?
:'''Josh''': Who's that?
:'''Drake''': It sounds like Megan.
:'''Megan''': ''[offscreen]'' Drake? Josh?
:'''Josh''': That ''is'' Megan, how does she know? Oh, no, she's outside with Tiberius!
:'''Drake''': Oh, he'll eat her alive!
:'''Josh''': C'mon! ''[tries to open the door but Drake puts his foot on the door]'' Dude!
:'''Drake''': ''[blocks the door]'' Well, just 'cause she gets eaten, doesn't mean we have to.
:'''Josh''': That's our little sister out there, we've gotta help her!
:'''Drake''': Alright.
:'''Josh''': C'mon. ''[he and Drake come out of the bathroom and see Megan in the living room to reveal that Tiberius is behaving as he loud whispers]'' Megan! Run!
:'''Megan''': I don't wanna run.
:'''Drake''': ''[loud whisper]'' But he's vicious.
:'''Megan''': Yeah, he's real vicious. Ooh, down, boy. You're so scary.
:''[Drake and Josh walk by to her]''
:'''Josh''': I don't get it. Well, he's all calm.
:'''Drake''': Evil dog, evil girl. Makes perfect sense.
:'''Megan''': Where have you two been? You were supposed to pick me up two hours ago.
:'''Josh''': How'd you know we were here?
:'''Megan''': Dad said you were stopping here and then picking me up, which you didn't.
:'''Josh''': We couldn't.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, we were trapped here by this demon dog.
:'''Megan''': What're you talking about?
:'''Josh''': When you're not around, he goes all berserk and tries to kill us.
:'''Megan''': Really?
:'''Drake and Josh''': Yeah/Uh-huh.
:'''Megan''': ''[satisfied]'' See ya.
:''[after Megan leaves the house, Tiberius traps Drake and Josh in the bathroom again]''

===The Wedding===
:''[Opening comments: Drake and Josh talk about how unpleasant their great aunt Catherine is and both are in agreement that she is quite unpleasant]''
:'''Josh''': So, me and Drake have this Great Aunt Catherine.
:'''Drake''': Have you ever met my Great Aunt Catherine? No? Well, hey. Lucky you.
:'''Josh''': She's almost 90 years old.
:'''Drake''': She's like 90,000 years old.
:'''Josh''': She's not nice!
:'''Drake''': She is mean. ''[gets closer to the viewers]'' Mean to the ''bone''!
:'''Josh''': Something's not right about Aunt Catherine.
:'''Drake''': She collects hair... from people she doesn't even know well!
:'''Josh''': Oh, and get this.
:'''Drake and Josh''': Aunt Catherine's getting married!
:'''Josh''': I mean, who wants to get married at 89 years old?
:'''Drake''': You know, Josh and I disagree on a lot of stuff, but I bet he hates Aunt Catherine just as much as I do.
:'''Josh''': I wonder if Drake hates Aunt Catherine as much as I do. ''[turns to Drake]'' Do ya?
:'''Drake''': Totally.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Josh''': Why are you in such a hurry?
:'''Drake''': 'Cause I want Aunt Catherine's beach house, bad.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, so do I.
:'''Drake''': Well, we can't be late for the wedding, and we have to pick up the cake.
:'''Josh''': Dude, we got plenty of time, alright? Just as long as we get to the bakery before... ''[notices his laptop case gone]'' Hey, have you seen my laptop case? I thought I left it right here.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, I gave it to Craig and Eric.
:'''Josh''': You... You what?!
:'''Drake''': They told me you said it was cool.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, I said it was cool for 'em to borrow my computer, but why'd you give them the whole case? It had my cell phone in it and my keys to Mom's SUV! Now we have no car!
:'''Drake''': Well, I'll just call Craig and Eric and tell them to come back.
:'''Josh''': No, we can't. They don't have cell phones.
:'''Drake''': Why?
:'''Josh''': 'Cause Papa Nichols threw Eric's against the wall and broke it, and Craig's mom thinks cell phones cause ear sores!
:'''Drake''': Craig does get a lot of ear sores.
:'''Josh''': Look, we cannot be late to this wedding!
:'''Drake''': Right, okay, um... Trevor!
:'''Josh''': What about Trevor?
:'''Drake''': We'll borrow his car.
:'''Josh''': His girlfriend sleeps in it.
:'''Drake''': No, they broke up. She sleeps in some other guy's car now.
:'''Josh''': I don't wanna go to a wedding in Trevor's El Camino, it's old and gross.
:'''Drake''': So is Aunt Catherine.
:'''Josh''': Drake, if we--
:'''Drake''': Look, it runs, and the wedding cake will fit in the back. And the most important thing is it'll get us there on time. ''[starts calling Trevor on the phone]'' 

===Mindy Loves Josh===
:'''Josh''': What do you want?
:'''Megan''': There's a couple of guys outside stealing  your bike.
:'''Josh''': Oh I just moved the chain, HANDS OFF MY RIDE! ''[runs outside]'' Hey!
:'''Mindy''': Maybe, I should have call the police.
:'''Megan''': Nah, no ones stealing his bike.
:'''Mindy''': What did you tell him that for? You got him all upset for nothing.
:'''Megan''': Yeah. 

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
:'''Megan''': What are you eating? 
:'''Drake''': Big cookie. 

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
:'''Josh''': Mindy, I am in the process of becoming a woman, so I worried… 
:'''Drake''': JOSH!!! OH, MY GOD, JOSH!!!! 
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Megan comes inside Drake and Josh's room and tells Drake her truth after making his hands green (when she saw Drake eating her cookie)]''
:'''Drake''': Oh, it's you. Close the door!
:'''Megan''': ''[closes the door and walks up to Drake]'' What's going on?
:'''Drake''': Swear not to tell mom and dad?
:'''Megan''': Swear.
:'''Drake''': Well, I've have this rare skin disease called dermatameculitis.
:'''Megan''': ''[gasps]'' Oh my god! Are you okay?
:'''Drake''': I will be. See, I read online that you can cure it by soaking in zipholic acid which is in lizard pee.
:'''Megan''': Or you know there is another cure.
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Megan''': Next time, don't eat my big cookie.
:'''Drake''': What are you saying?
:'''Megan''': I tricked you into thinking you have a rare skin disease by dying your hands and feet green while you slept and that you were stupid enough to actually fall for it and stick your hands and feet in buckets in lizard pee. That what I'm saying.
:'''Drake''': Megan!
:'''Megan''': You have a little somethin' on your upper lip.
:''[Drake touches his upper lip with his green hand and suffers from it as Megan leaves his and Josh's room]''
:'''Drake''': Wait!
:'''Megan''': What?
:'''Drake''': Is it gone?
:''[Megan leaves the room]''

===Who's Got Game?===
:'''Carly''': ''[walks up to Drake]'' Help you find something?
:'''Drake''': Oh no, I got- ''[turns to see her]'' No, I got it.
:'''Carly''': Sparks, nice. Yes, I saw them live last week at &quot;The Phyton&quot;.
:'''Drake''': No way, I was there.
:'''Carly''': Oh, yeah, you were that guy in the crowd listening.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, that was me!
:'''Carly''': I was kidding.
:'''Drake''': Me, too.
:'''Carly''': Come on, I'll ring you up.
:'''Drake''': Okay.
:''[they both walk up to the cashier's desk]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Josh''': ''[walks up to Drake]'' Well, while you keep kissing your new girlfriend, I'm going to go back home and move my special pillow onto your bed.
:'''Drake''': What? ''[turns around to Josh]''
:'''Josh''': Well, I've had 22 dates this you week and you've only had one.
:'''Drake''': Okay, yeah. I guess you get my bed. Alright, you win.
:'''Josh''': I win? I GOT MORE GIRLS THAN DRAKE!! ''[laughs]'' JOSH NICHOLS IS NO LONGER A LITTLE CATERPILLAR, AH, HE IS A BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY!! ''[flaps wings for a while then stops out of embarrassment]'' See you guys at home. ''[walks away]''

===The Great Doheny===
:'''Josh''': Uh, Megan. This is Henry Doheny. I'm gonna go make him a sandwich with some crinko cup fries and you keep him company. ''[runs off to make Doheny his sandwich]''
:'''Megan''': Henry Doheny. Didn't you use to be like a really famous magician?
:'''Henry Doheny''': Hmmm. ''[pretends to think]''  Why don't you, reach into, ''[points to trash can and Megan looks at it]'' that decorative trash can and tell me.
:'''Megan''': ''[looks at him, searches through the trash-can, picks out old papers than a bunny, and gasps]'' A bunny!
:'''Henry Doheny''': Her name is Cookie, if you hold her close, she'll lick your nose.
:'''Megan''': ''[puts Cookie to her face and Cookie begins to lick her as she laughs]'' Oh my god, this is the cutest bunny I've ever seen! Can I keep her?
:'''Henry Doheny''': I insist!
:'''Megan''': Thanks! ''[goes to her room, admiring Cookie]''
:'''Henry Doheny''': ''[To Drake]'' Pick a card!
:'''Drake''': ''[picks a card]'' Now what?
:'''Henry Doheny''': Now, put it back. ''[Drake gives the card back and he takes the deck into his jacket]''
:'''Drake''': ''[looks at Doheny with a weird gaze]'' What's my card?
:'''Henry Doheny''': Cough. ''[Drake coughs out a card]'' Open it. ''[Drake does so and Doheny isn't even looking]'' Is that your card?
:'''Drake''': Yeah. Please do me a favor and don't make things come outta my body.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:'''Lexi''': How did I get in here? 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Walter''': ''[looking himself in the mirror after Doheny made him bald]'' Ahh! Check me out! I'm bald. ''[leaving the room]'' Honey, Mr. Doheny made me bald!

===I Love Sushi===
:'''Josh''': ''[presses record button on video camera remote for filming contest entry video]'' Dear pump my room, this is our living room.
:'''Drake''': A room, in which we live. 
:'''Josh''': Um, we really wish we'd win this makeover.
:'''Drake''': But not for us.
:'''Josh''': For our parents.
:'''Drake''': We call them, &quot;Mom and Dad&quot;.
:'''Josh''': You see, my dad married his mom almost five years ago.
:'''Drake''': I am still in shock.
:'''Josh''': And soon, it'll be their fifth anniversary.
:'''Drake''': ''[sheepishly]'' Still in shock.
:'''Josh''': Now, we can't afford to buy them anything fancy.
:'''Drake''': So we pray that you wonderful people at Pump my Room choose us.
:'''Josh''': Eh, our parents.
:'''Drake''': For the special gift, of a room makeover. ''[desperately]'' Please.
:'''Josh''': ''[desperately]'' Please. ''[Drake and Josh both embrace each other, drake grabs for the remote to end the video recording]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Josh''': Okay, mom and dad. Here it comes.
:'''Drake''': Who's ready to go inside?
:'''Audrey''': What is up with you guys?
:'''Walter''': Yeah, you kept us out all day driving all over the city.
:'''Drake''': Get ready. ''[he opens the door as he, Josh, Walter, and Audrey come inside the house]''
:'''Drake and Josh''': HAPPY ANNIVERS- ''[they turn on the lights to reveal that the furniture in the living room has been stolen]'' -''[lamely]'' sery.
:'''Walter''': Drake?
:'''Audrey''': Josh!
:'''Walter''': Where's our stuff?
:'''Josh''': We've been robbed!
:'''Drake''': ''[curious]'' Surprise!
:''[Walter and Audrey both get shocked after all of the furniture from the living room disappeared]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Drake Parker. Josh Nichols. ''[Drake and Josh come in Mr. Nadel's office]'' What do you want?
:'''Josh''': We understand that you give people temporary jobs?
:'''Mr. Nadel''': So?
:'''Josh''': And we'd like one.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': And I'd like to meet with another woman who doesn't change her phone number after the first date.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, well good luck with that.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Ok, what are your skills?
:'''Drake''': I play guitar and date girls.
:'''Josh''': Well, I'm an honor student. I'm pretty good with magic tricks, I can cook. Oh, in the 5th grade I was vote most polite child-
:'''Mr. Nadel''': ''[yells]'' NO! THAT'S ENOUGH! ''[in a normal voice]'' Well, let's see, I've got men's room attendant, ditch digger, or you could clean up after elephants at the zoo?
:'''Drake''': Wow, they all sound so wonderful.
:'''Josh''': Do you gave any jobs that are, you know... not repulsive?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, and we want one that pays a lot.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Sure, and I wanna meet a woman who doesn't change her phone number after the first date.
:'''Josh''': You already said that.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': ''[yelling]'' WELL IT HAPPENS EVERY TIME! I MEAN WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!
:'''Drake''': We just want jobs.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Alright look, I got two jobs working the line at a fish factory. Not glamorous enough for you?
:'''Josh''': Well, what would we have to do?
:'''Mr. Nadel''': You'd be assembling packages of sushi for distribution to local supermarkets. Pays 18 bucks an hour. Each.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, we'll take it.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Good. Happy. Happy. Here's the address. Be there Saturday morning 8:00.
:'''Drake:''' 8:00?
:'''Josh''': We'll be there.
:'''Mr. Nadel''': Yeah, yeah.
:''[Drake and Josh leave Mr. Nadel's office; Nadel types in numbers on his phone from a piece of paper]''
:'''Phone''': The number you have reached has been disconnected
:'''Mr. Nadel''': ''[bangs on desk]'' EVERY TIME! Stupid lotion! ''[knocks a bottle of lotion on the floor]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': Look man, we tried our best I can't think of anything else...
:''[Drake and Josh realize they're sitting on the couch and feel it to make sure they're not dreaming Josh looks around and sees everything back in the living room]''
:'''Josh''': The Furniture's back!
:'''Drake''': We did it!
:'''Josh''': We didn't do anything!
:'''Audrey''': Howdy, boys.
:'''Walter''': Surprised?
:'''Josh''': Yeah! How'd you get our furniture back?
:'''Audrey''': The police found the robbers moving van.
:'''Walter''': It was broken down about a half a mile up the street.
:'''Drake''': And they found everything?
:'''Walter''': Yep.
:'''Audrey''': It's all here. ''[smells rotten stench on Drake and Josh]'' Do I smell rotting sushi?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, it's a long story.
:'''Josh''': Uh see we...
:'''Walter''': ''[cuts Josh off at mid sentence]'' We don't want to know.

===The Storm===
:''[Drake hits Eric in the chest and notices Lucy]''
:'''Eric''': Ow.
:'''Drake''': That's Lucy, my ex-girlfriend. Josh invited my ex-girlfriend?
:'''Eric''': Well, yeah. When we were going over the gas list, Josh said you and Lucy were still friends.
:'''Drake''': Well, we are, but I invited Carly. I can't have my current girlfriend and my ex-girlfriend at the same party. You want the universe to explode? Man, what am I gonna--? ''[hits Eric in the chest again and notices Christine]'' 
:'''Eric''': Ow!
:'''Drake''': Christine? How many of my ex-girlfriends are here?
:'''Eric''': Just those two. I hope. Or else I'm gonna need chest replacement surgery!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': ''[after being on the phone with Josh]'' That was Josh.
:'''Julio''': They cancelled the concert?
:'''Drake''': The whole stage is underwater.
:'''Gary''': My uncle's got a boat!
:'''Drake''': That's great, Gary. Why don't ya climb into your uncle's boat and SAIL OFF TO MORON ISLAND?!!! 

&lt;hr width=“50%”&gt; 
:'''Crazy Steve''': C'MON, DORA!!!

===My Dinner with Bobo===
:''[Drake and Josh and Megan get a car]''
:'''Megan''': ''[looking at a car with tattooed flowers]'' Oh my god! I love this car! Let's buy this one!
:'''Drake''': Shall we harmonize?
:'''Josh''': Let's.
:'''Drake and Josh''': ''[singing]'' No!
:'''Megan''': Dad said I can help pick out the car.
:'''Drake''': Uh yes. And thank you for helping us decide we're not getting this one.
:'''Megan''': Don't push me.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': ''[appears and gets out of his cart]'' Well now, let me guess! You folks are looking for a car.
:'''Josh''': Hey, you're Stan the Car Man.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': The very same.
:'''Josh''': I know, I love your commercials. You need a car, you need a truck, you need a van! Come see Stan the Car Man!
:'''Drake''': Who sells trucks and vans.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': I don't like it when people imitate me.
:'''Josh''': I'm sorry.
:'''Drake''': I'm also sorry. ''[points at a monkey]'' Hey, Bobo! Aw, I love this guy! ''[picks up Bobo]''
:'''Stan the Car Man''': He seems to have taken a liking to you too!
:'''Drake''': Aw, he's awesome.
:'''Megan''': Yeah, maybe he can tutor you in math.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': How much were you boys hoping to spend in this vehicle?
:'''Drake''': About $2400.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': $2400. About what car did you had in mind?
:'''Josh''': Something safe.
:'''Drake''': Something fast.
:'''Josh''': Gets good mileage.
:'''Drake''': It's gotta have satellite radio.
:'''Josh''': Heated seats would be nice.
:'''Stan the Car Man''': Huh?
:'''Josh''': I get cold down there.
:'''Megan''': Look! No one is interested in your butt temperature problems.
:'''Josh''': Dr. Fish bum is.
:'''Drake''': Look, can you just show us something we can afford?
:'''Stan the Car Man''': Well, I surely can. Right over there!
:'''Josh''': Alright.
:'''Drake''': Come on. ''[he and Josh walk away]''
:'''Stan the Car Man''': Butt temperature problems?
:'''Megan''': He's a mess. ''[she and Stan the Car Man walk away too]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake and Josh come inside Dr. Favershim's apartment to rescue Bobo]''
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Come in.
:'''Drake''': We are in.
:'''Josh''': Yeah. And we want Bobo back.
:'''Dr. Favershim''': I'm sorry, we had a deal. $10,000 for your delicious friends.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, well deal's off.
:'''Josh''': So just take your check back and give us Bobo.
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Are you sure?
:'''Josh''': Absolutely.
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Very well, Bobo is in the back of the closet right over there. You may fetch him.
:'''Josh''': Back of the closet?
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Good.
:'''Josh''': Come on dude, let's go get him.
:'''Drake''': Whoa? Is he in here?
:'''Josh''': Perhaps.
:'''Drake''': In the coat, where is he?
:''[when Dr. Favershim locked Drake and Josh in the closet so he could eat Bobo, Drake and Josh yell inside the closet in order to get out after Dr. Favershim pranked them]''
:'''Dr. Favershim''': I'm sorry boys, but I can't let you interfere with my dinner plans. ''[takes off the curtain off of Bobo's cage]'' Hello, little friend. I hope you have good taste.
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' You open the door or we're gonna call the cops!
:'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' Yeah, we have a cellphone in here!
:'''Dr. Favershim''': You have no cellphone.
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Do too!
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Prove it.
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' How?
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Play me a ringtone.
:''[Josh plays a ringtone on his phone from the closet]''
:'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' See? I told ya we got a cellphone!
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Does it have Bluetooth?
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' What?!?!
:'''Dr. Favershim''': Your cellphone, does it have Bluetooth?
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Ya, dude it has Bluetooth.
:'''Dr. Favershim''': I don't believe you. Show me.
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Fine! Open the door! ''[Dr. Favershim opens door]'' See, Bluetooth! Ha, ha! ''[Dr. Favershim pushes Josh back in the closet, takes his phone, and locks the door again]'' What?! Oh, man!
:'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' Oh, nice goin', Bluetooth!
:'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Don't start with me! ''[Josh slaps Drake off-screen]''
:'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' Ow!
:''[Dr. Favershim cuts slices of a carrot and takes a bite and walks up to Bobo to eat a piece, too]'' 

===Tree House===
:''[Drake and Josh are trapped inside Robbie's treehouse when they're trying to rebuild it]''
:'''Josh''': Drake…? 
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Josh''': Where's the door hole?
:'''Drake''': It goes right there, see? I drew it with a magic marker.
:'''Josh''': You were supposed to cut it out with the power saw!
:'''Drake''': Dude, I'm gonna!
:'''Josh''': Oh, really?
:'''Drake''': Yes!
:'''Josh''': So go get the power saw.
:'''Drake''': Okay, I will! ''[tries to walk through the wall where the painted door is]'' I see the problem…. 
:'''Josh''': Oh, do ya?!

&lt;hr width=50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Megan refuses to let Drake and Josh out of the Robbie's tree house because she is angry that they made her miss her friend Janie's birthday party]''
:'''Megan''': ''[walks to Drake with a snow cone]'' Hey boob.
:'''Drake''': Where you've been?
:'''Megan''': I told you I was about to get a snow cone.
:'''Drake''': Okay, well now that you have one, can you please hand up the power saw so we can get out of here?
:'''Megan''': Let me think, no!
:'''Drake''': Listen to me! You make us miss our dates with those two hot identical twins. I swear- ''[Josh grabs him]''
:'''Josh''': Hey!
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Josh''': We don't need that power saw!
:'''Drake''': Then how are we gonna get out of here?
:'''Josh''': ''[grabs the power screwdriver]'' Power screwdriver! We just need to unscrew one of these walls and boom we are out!
:'''Drake''': Do it brother!
:'''Josh''': Okay. ''[he power screws the door but realized it's dead]'' Set this baby to reverse.
:'''Drake''': Why'd it stop?
:'''Josh''': I don't know. The screwdriver- ''[looks outside the window thinking that Megan unplugged it]'' MEGAN!
:'''Megan''': ''[satisfied; after she unplugged the power screwdriver]'' Yes, can I help you? 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''[Craig and Eric hang out with the twins]''

===Josh is Done===
:'''Drake''': C'mon, let's play ping-pong!
:'''Josh''': Alright. I'll play if it'll stop you from yapping.
:'''Drake''': And the battle begins! ''[rings bell]'' Ohh, my worthy opponent. Are you prepared to ping the pong?
:'''Josh''': Wahahaha. I am prepared, young sedgewan. Your pong is no match for my ping!
:'''Drake''': Ahh, do your worst! ''[he and Josh play ping-pong until Josh's paddle flies out of his hand and out the window, to Josh’s horror]'' You have smashed the window of transparency!
:'''Josh''': ''[runs to the broken window]'' Aw, man! Mom and dad are gonna kill me!
:'''Drake''': Oh, probably. Come on, let's finish the game.
:'''Josh''': I don't have a paddle!
:'''Drake''': Oh, there's an extra one downstairs, be back in a sec.
:'''Josh''': We can't be late for this-
:'''Drake''': I'll be back in a few seconds, you can study while I'm gone. ''[gives Josh the book and leaves the room]''
:'''Josh''': I don't think it leaves us enough- ''[opens the book a reads a page]'' What is the atomic weight of beryllium? 9.01. ''[yells]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Josh''': ''[All sweaty from running all the way to class after Drake left him behind, bumps into the door]'' PLEASE! PLEASE, LEMME IN!! I AM SORRY I'M LATE! ''[Drake looks at him from his desk]''
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Opens the door]'' Mr. Nichols, you know the rule. 
:'''Josh''': B-But you don't understand. You see, I was just about to- 
:'''Mr. Roland''': I understand that you are late, and when you're late to my class, you're not welcomed in my class. 
:'''Josh''': Uh, b-but w-what about the exam? 
:'''Mr. Roland''': You will take a make-up exam next Saturday morning at 6AM, and you will be marked down 1 letter grade! 
:'''Josh''': ''[Very upset and despairing]'' Oh, no. No-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh!!! ''[Points at Drake angrily]'' YOU!
:'''Drake''': ''[Defensively]'' What? 
:'''Josh''': ''[Yells and runs in the classroom to attack Drake, only to be held back by the other students, while Drake stares]'' COME HERE! COME HERE, YOU WANNA TUSSLE!? LET'S GO!! LET ME CLOSER!!! 
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[enraged]'' Mr. Nichols! Mr. Nichols, you will leave this classroom NOW! 
:'''Josh''': But- 
:'''Mr. Roland''': NOW! 
:'''Josh''': I- 
:'''Mr. Roland''': NOW! 
:'''Josh''': ''[defeated]'' Now...? ''[Leaves the classroom as Mr. Roland locks the classroom door, as Josh continues trying to plead his case]'' Now, if you would just allow me to explain, OH!!! ''[Mr. Roland yanks down the door window shade]''
:'''Mr. Roland''': As I was saying, you will have 55 minutes to complete your exams. ''[Mr. Roland walks over to the classroom windows to close the blinds as Josh from outside still tries to plead his case.]'' You will use a #2 pencil.
:'''Josh''': ''[Sobbing]'' Your so hard! 
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Closes first blind]'' Not #1, not #3.
:'''Josh''': ''[Still sobbing]'' So unbelievably hard!
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Closes second blind]'' If you have any questions during the exams, don’t ask them!
:'''Josh''': ''[Still sobbing]'' I really do, I give everything a hundred…
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Closes last blind]'' I want silence in this classroom! Silence, is golden.
:'''Josh''': ''[Freaks out]'' Nooo! Nah! Nah! Nah! Nah!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Drake''': ''[Gets home after the exam (which he failed most likely) and takes Robbie's sit-n-bounce just to get Josh over his rage, still not caring about making him late earlier despite wanting to have fun together]'' Hey, Josh. What goes on? 
:'''Josh''': Just readin' my book. 
:'''Drake''': ''[signs]'' Look, I'm sorry about this morning. You know, but Kat called and wanted to make out, and, you know, Kat. 
:'''Josh''': ''[Knowing that Drake's apology is fake]'' Yes, yes. She's very pretty. 
:'''Drake''': Alright, you're still mad. But you won't be for long, 'cause I got you your very own sit-n-bounce! ''[Josh says nothing]'' Sit-n-bounce!  
:'''Josh''': No, thanks. 
:'''Megan''': Doesn't that kid Robbie next door have a sit-n-bounce just like that? 
:'''Drake''': No! No. And, c'mon, have you ever sat and bounced before? You can't be upset when you're sittin' and bouncin'. ''[plays with it. Josh closes his book and gets up, Drake bounces in front of him]'' 
:'''Josh''': Would you please move?
:'''Drake''': ''[stop bouncing]'' Look, dude, I said I was sorry.
:'''Josh''': Oh, I heard you.
:'''Drake''': Well, stop being mad at me.
:'''Josh''': I'm not mad at you. I'm done.
:'''Drake''': What's that supposed to mean?
:'''Josh''': I don't want anything to do with you anymore.
:'''Drake''': So what, are you gonna move out?
:'''Josh''': No, this is a house where I live, and I guess we'll be roommates until the day I leave for college. But that's all we'll be, is roommates. I'm done with you. ''[walks away, leaving Drake concerned]'' 
:'''Megan''': Whoa! 
:'''Drake''': What? 
:'''Megan''': You really did it this time. 
:'''Drake''': Oh, c'mon, ya know how many times Josh has been ''furious'' with me? Uh, he'll pout for a day or 2, and then he'll get over it. 
:'''Megan''': I dunno, he sounded pretty serious. 
:'''Drake''': Trust me. Alright, I know Josh, and there's no way he's gonna keep this up- 
:'''Robbie''': ''[walks in]'' I knew it! I knew you took my sit-n-bounce! ''[kicks Drake in the leg and takes his sit-n-bounce back]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:''[Without Josh, Drake begins suffering bad luck, while Josh's life improves with more good luck than ever, even passing his make-up exam and getting his grade back up]'' 
:'''Drake''': ''[arrives at the Primere ]'' Hello, Josh.
:'''Josh''': Hi, Drake.
:'''Craig''': Why are you all sweaty?
:'''Drake''': I'm all sweaty because I ran out of gas and I had to walk all the way here because SOMEBODY forgot to fill up the car!
:'''Josh''': It's not my responsibility to fill the car with gas.
:'''Drake''': You always fill up the car!
:'''Josh''': Used to, now I put in just enough gas for myself.
:'''Drake''': Well, good! You know, good for you! I DON'T NEED YOUR GAS! And just so you know, I'm gonna go see a movie right now and I don't need a free ticket from you cause mom paid me 10 bucks to get out of the house! So I don't need you for ANYTHING!
:'''Leah''': Movie tickets here are $11.
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Eric''': And popcorn and soda are gonna cost you another 6 or 7.
:'''Drake''': D'oh! You know what? I'm not even gonna buy a ticket, I'm just going in. Right, just going right in! ''[yells at ticket checker employee, he stubbornly walks into theater 7]'' 
:'''Josh''': ''[clears throat, grabs the communicator]'' Security, we have a problem in theater 7: male Caucasian, sweaty, wearing a gray sweatshirt. ''[beeps]'' So what's the difference between a hoagie and a submarine sandwich? 
:'''Steve''': I always thought a hoagie was a hot sandwich, and a submarine could be served hot or cold. 
:'''Craig''': No, I think it's the other way around. 
:'''Eric''': Okay, but what's a grinder? 
:'''Leah''': Same thing as a hoagie. 
:'''Drake''': ''[getting dragged by the security guards]'' Hey! Hey! Let go, let go! Josh, Josh! Tell them to let me go! Josh, Josh! Tell them! Tell them! Look this way, I know this guy, I know this guy. Ask him, ask him. 
:'''Security Guard''': Is this guy a friend of yours? 
:''[pause]''
:'''Josh''': ''[satisfied]'' No, he's not. 
:'''Drake''': ''[frustrated]'' Josh!! Oh. You're gonna regret this, Josh! You need me! YOU NEED ME!!! 
:'''Josh''': So, hoagie and grinder same thing, huh? 
:'''Leah, Steve, Eric, &amp; Craig''': ''[All talking at once in agreement]'' Yes./That's right./Uh-huh./Yeah. 
:'''Steve''': All in the sandwich family.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': ''[After being switched with another lab partner named Clayton, messes up his science experiment, causing green water to flow and spill over his hand]'' Whoa-whoa! Hey-hey! What's happening, what's happening!? Oh-okay-okay-okay! Arms tingling, arms tingling! 
:'''Craig''': Chemical emergency! ''[Turns on the alarm]'' 
:'''Mr. Roland''': Let's get him in the power-shower! ''[Grabs Drake and carries him into the chemical shower, as Josh watches in shock]'' 
:'''Drake''': Hey-hey! Watch it, will you-!? What is this!? ''[Roki shuts the door, Mr. Roland turns on the water]'' What are you, what are you-!? AAA-OOHHHH!!!! ''[Starts yelling as the water stingingly washes off the chemicals]''  
:'''Mr. Roland''': Drake, are you alright? 
:'''Drake''': Hey! What is this water!? Ow! ''[Continues yelling as everybody, including Josh, watches]'' 
:'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Drake has just been in the chemical shower, turns off the water]'' Drake, you may come out now. ''[Drake comes out, all soaked and groaning]'' Sit down, Drake. ''[Drake ignores him, walks towards the door]'' Drake, sit down!
:'''Drake''': No!
:'''Mr. Roland''': Drake!
:'''Drake''': Josh!
:'''Josh''': What?
:'''Drake''': Look, I'm sorry.
:'''Josh''': Well--
:'''Drake''': Look, let me finish, okay? I was wrong, okay? I was wrong.
:'''Josh''': What d'you mean?
:'''Drake''': I-I need you more than you need me. Uh, I-I need you ''way more'' than you need me, a-alright? I'm sorry. M-Man, I'm sorry I made you late for your exam, and I'm sorry I ran over your bike, and I, uh-- I-I'm sorry, I'm probably the worst brother in the world! And y-you know, you're way better off without me, you know? I just-- I just need you to understand that-- uh, I just-- Sorry, Josh, I'm sorry. ''[tearfully walks out of the classroom, leaving Josh stunned]''
:'''Mr. Roland''': Josh, would you like to go talk to Drake?
:'''Josh''': ''[realizes he has gone a little too far for cutting Drake out of his life, seeing how he learned his lesson the hard way]'' No. No, sir.
:'''Mr. Roland''': Alright. Class, let's get back to our experiments. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[As Drake miserably tries to play ping-pong alone, Josh runs in with a kung fu yell, ready to forgive his brother]''
:'''Josh''': Hoaw! We have unfinished business, young sedgewan. 
:'''Drake''': Josh…. 
:'''Josh''': Wa-cho! You will address me only as Master Mon-googoo. ''[Drake cheers up as Josh picks up his paddle]'' 
:'''Drake''': Your words, they are strong. Uh, but your skills are weak!
:'''Josh''': Your foolishness, young sedgewan, has sealed your fate! 
:'''Drake''': Aw, destiny is mine! ''[They play ping-pong ball together and reconcile again happily as the episode ends]''

===Eric Punches Drake===
:'''Mr. Roland''': Josh, Mindy. The new chemistry books just arrived. They're in my classroom. 
:'''Mindy''': No way! 
:'''Josh''': Oh, come on! 
:'''Craig''': Hey, remember in Dragon to Death when Billy Chang fights Joaquin the Dream?
:'''Eric''': Remember? One does not forget the wo-cho fist of silence. ''[Tries to demonstrate, only to accidentally punch Drake in the eye and knock him out in the process]'' Oh, my god! 
:'''Craig''': Drake, are you alright!? 

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
:'''Josh''': Hey, Craig. 
:'''Craig''': Evenin'. 
:'''Josh''': Where's Eric? 
:'''Craig''': Oh, he didn't wanna come. He was afraid Drake might be mad at him 'cause he punched him in the eye. 
:'''Josh''': He's not mad. Drake, you're not mad, are you? 
:'''Drake''': Nah, I'm not mad. Craig didn't mean to hit me. 
:'''Craig''': I'M Craig! 
:'''Drake''': ''[scoffs]'' It matters. 

&lt;hr width =50%&gt; 
:''[door bell rings]'' 
:'''Josh''': Yo, Drake, get that! 
:'''Drake''': Got it. ''[opens the door and finds Mindy there]'' Oh, is it Halloween already? Aren't you a scary, little witch? 
:'''Mindy''': Oh, look at your black eye. Well, I hope it hurts.
:'''Drake''': You shebeast!
:'''Mindy''': Microbrain!
:'''Drake''': Weirdface!
:'''Mindy''': Ignoramus!
:'''Drake''': ''[beat]'' What?
:'''Mindy''': Exactly! 
:'''Chad''': Hey. 
:'''Mindy''': Oh, hey. 
:'''Chad''': Sorry, I had to park the car at the bottom of the hill. 
:'''Mindy''': Oh, no problem. Step aside. ''[both walk inside. Drake suspects Chad to be Mindy's new boyfriend and goes into the kitchen, while Josh and Craig set up the projector]'' 
:'''Drake''': JOSH! 
:'''Josh''': ''[jumps, accidentally flips the projector]'' Aw, now I gotta reset the white balance! 
:'''Drake''': No, I need to talk to you! ''[to Craig]'' Get out. ''[Craig walks out]'' 
:'''Josh''': What? 
:'''Drake''': Mindy's here.  
:'''Josh''': I know, I invited her. 
:'''Drake''': Did you invite ''him?'' ''[turns Josh's head around towards Chad]''  
:'''Josh''': Who's him? 
:'''Drake''': Her date. 
:'''Josh''': ''[shudders]'' I don't care. 
:'''Drake''': Yes, you do!

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
:'''Drake''': Hey, Clayton. 
:'''Clayton''': ''[mumbling]'' Hi. 
:''[Drake slips his mouth-wash, then takes Clayton's water bottle, spits in it, and gives it back to him (possibly as revenge for Drake's chemical incident in the previous episode), to Clayton's disgust. 3 students walk behind Drake, laughing at him]''
:'''Drake''': Hello? 
:'''Boy''': ''[sees Drake's black eye]'' It's true! 
:'''Drake''': Oh, the black eye? Yeah, a little accident. 
:'''Boy''': That's not what we heard. 
:'''Drake''': And what did you hear? 
:'''Boy''': That you're making fun of Eric's sister. 
:'''Girl''': Hey, Drake. I heard you got punched by a nerd. 
:'''Drake''': IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!!! 

&lt;hr width=“50%”/&gt; 
:'''Crazy Steve''': Excuse me, Josh. 
:'''Josh''': What!? 
:'''Crazy Steve''': I notice you're stacking that candy in an angry way. 
:'''Josh''': I AM angry! Alright, Mindy's over there with her new boyfriend, rubbing him right in my face. 
:'''Crazy Steve''': I just give this a little squeeze... DON'T DRINK WHILE I'M TALKING!!!! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Craig''': ''[pops up from the trash can]'' Hello.
:'''Drake''': ''[screams]'' Craig?
:'''Craig''': Are you alone?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, I'm alone.
:'''Craig''': Good. ''[holds out a bag of pork rinds]'' Pork rind?
:'''Drake''': Sure. ''[takes a pork rind from the bag and starts eating it]'' So you're the one that sent the blimp?
:'''Craig''': That's right.
:'''Drake''': ''[concerned]'' Why would you wanna take down Eric? He's your best friend.
:'''Craig''': WAS my best friend. Now that Eric's Mr. Popular pants and has a hot girlfriend, he doesn't give a rat's hat about me!
:'''Drake''': Rat's hat?
:'''Craig''': ''[furious]'' He's forgotten that I am the one who's been his best friend since we were 7 years old! THAT I'M THE ONE WHO DRIED HIS TEARS WHEN HIS IGUANA GOT DIABETES! THAT I--  
:'''Drake''': ''[He interrupts Craig]'' OKAY, OKAY, I get it, get it, get it. Just tell me how to stop him.
:'''Craig''': Ok, but first you have to promise me something.
:'''Drake''': What?
:'''Craig''': I love to sing.
:'''Drake''': ''[confused, steps aside]'' And?
:'''Craig''': And you are like a professional singer.
:'''Drake''': ''[still confused]'' You wanna sing a song with me?
:'''Craig''': I've wanted this for a long time!
:'''Drake''': Ok, ok, if you help me prove Eric's a liar, you can sing a song with me.
:'''Craig''': Excellent. Now, listen carefully. Eric, is a pacifist.
:'''Drake''': I thought he was Jewish.
:'''Craig''': A pacifist is someone who refuses to fight.
:'''Drake''': Okay...
:'''Craig''': So, if you insult Eric in front of a bunch of people, he won't fight back, and then everyone will know he was lying about standing up to you!
:'''Drake''': Uh-huh!
:'''Craig''': And then he won't be popular anymore which means he'll come crawling back to me! And don't forget our song.
:'''Drake''': I won't forget the song.
:'''Craig''': Good, I'll start practicing.
:''[Drake walks away while Craig starts singing in the dumpster behind the school's cafeteria]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Drake''': ''[he stops the argument about stacks of cards]'' Okay, you know what?! You know what?! Enough with the cards, alright?! I got big problems!
:'''Josh''': What, that Eric thing?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, he's lying to everybody and ruining my life just to make himself popular. But you know what? 
:'''Josh''': What?
:'''Drake''': I'm gonna go find Eric and punch him right in his little nerdy head!
:'''Josh''': You don't want to do that! ''[grabs him]''
:'''Drake''': Then give me a one good reason.
:'''Josh''': 'Cause it's not gonna help you! Alright? It's just gonna make you look worse or you're gonna handle these things maturely.
:'''Drake''': Kinda like you do with Mindy?!
:'''Josh''': DIFFERENT!!! ''[crosses his arms]''
:'''Drake''': It's not different?
:'''Josh''': Mindy rubbing a new boyfriend in my face is an outrage, OUTRAGE!!!
:'''Drake''': And Eric wrecking my life isn't?!
:'''Josh''': I'm not saying it's not bro, but look you gotta help me with-- ''[the doorbell interrupts them as Drake opens the door and Clayton talks to Drake and Josh about what Drake did to his water]''
:'''Clayton''': ''[worried, mumbling]'' Why?
:''[Josh points to Drake and tells him to close the door. Drake awkwardly locks the door as he and Josh cool off]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Chad''': Do you guys have free refills on the ginger ale?
:'''Josh''': Oh, you want some ginger ale do you? Yeah, Chad can't get enough of his precious ginger ale!! Oh, No! Well, I'll tell you what, Chad!!! Why not call up the ginger ale headquarters and have them back up a tanker truck to your mouth!? So Chad can drink ginger ale til' there's no more ginger ale for the REST OF THE EARTH'S POPULATION!!!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[after Josh becomes obnoxious that Mindy has a new boyfriend, she comes over to check on him]''
:'''Josh''': What do you except? I mean, I know we're broken up, but that doesn’t give you the right to rub your new boyfriend in my face.
:'''Mindy''': He's not my boyfriend.
:'''Josh''': Look, I don't care what you call him-
:'''Mindy''': He's my cousin.
:'''Josh''': Your cousin?
:'''Mindy''': Yeah. I'm not dating anyone. He just moved here from St. Louis, so I've been showing him around.
:'''Josh''': Why didn't you tell me that?
:'''Mindy''': I tried, you never gave me a chance.
:'''Josh''': So tonight, you were just messing with my head? 
:'''Mindy''': I think you deserved it after the way you screamed at me. 
:'''Josh''': I still think that was a really obnoxious thing for you to do! 
:'''Mindy''': I think you acted ''way'' more obnoxious. 
:'''Josh''': Well, I'm just glad we're broken up! 
:'''Mindy''': Not as glad as I am! 
:'''Josh''': Oh, really?! 
:'''Mindy''': REALLY! ''[they make out]''
:'''Josh''': We're still broken up, right?
:'''Mindy''': Definitely.
:''[they continue to make out]''

===Megan's Revenge===
:''[Drake and Josh are in Megan's room]''
:'''Drake''': Now, put Megan's camera back where you found this. Being in her room creeps me out.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, me, too. ''[looks at Megan's hamster]'' Awww. Look at Megan's hamster. He's washing his little face.
:'''Drake''': Look, let's just get out of here.
:'''Josh''': Just wait. This is too cute. I gotta get a picture of him.
:'''Drake''': Well, hurry.
:'''Josh''': Okay! Smile, Hervay. 
:''[Hervay falls down from the camera shot Josh took]''
:'''Drake''': Awww. He's playing dead.
:'''Josh''': I think he really is dead!
:'''Drake''': Oh! That hamster cannot be dead. If that hamster is dead, we're dead because Megan’s gonna kill us!
:'''Josh''': W-W-What can I do about it?
:'''Drake''': I don't know your watch o.r.! Fix him.
:'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' Okay, okay. Um, alright, I need a CBC, uh, a chem seven chest phone.
:'''Drake''': Just give him CPU!
:'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' Alright! ''[takes out Hervay from his cage]'' See what everybody say with me!
:'''Drake''': Okay.
:'''Josh''': ''[blows on Hervay's mouth]'' 1 1,000 , 2 1,000 , 3 1,000 , BREATHE! ''[blows on Hervay's mouth again and tries to pick him up but fails]'' That's it. 10:22, I'm calling it!
:'''Drake''': NO! ''[runs up to Hervay and blows his mouth]'' 
:'''Josh''': ''[gaves Drake backwards]'' HE'S GONE!
:'''Drake''': Josh, Megan is going to kill us!
:'''Josh''': Maybe she won't. Maybe she'll understand.
:'''Drake''': Think about it. Megan does horrible horrible things to us every day for no reason. Now, SHE HAS A REASON!
:'''Josh''': WE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!
:''[Drake quickly puts the camera in her drawer and Josh puts Hervay back in his room as they leave Megan's room fast]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Drake''': Ow! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Megan uses a remote to create a hole on the floor to make Drake and Josh fall to the garage from their bedroom]''
:'''Megan''': Okay, that was good revenge, too. And by the way, you didn't kill Hervay. The camera flash just stunned. He's fine, see? ''[shows Drake and Josh her pet hamster Hervay who is still alive]''
:'''Drake and Josh''': MEGAN!

===Steered Straight===
:'''Josh''': Man, we can't get into the Reptile Room ''[nightclub]''. You have to be over 21.
:'''Drake''': You are, Mr... ''[pulls out fake ID]'' Yakitori!
:'''Josh''': ''[takes fake ID and looks at it]'' What's this?
:'''Drake''': Fake ID, here, check mine out. ''[takes out his own fake ID and gives it to Josh]''
:'''Josh''': ''[reads the name on Drake's fake ID]'' Jefferson Steelflex?
:'''Drake''': ''[laughs]'' Yeah, made it up.
:'''Josh''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, REALLY! So you're suggesting that we use fake IDs to get into a nightclub posing as... ''[reads the names on the IDs again]'' Jefferson Steelflex and Alvin Yakitori?
:'''Drake''': Yep. And, hey, we gotta be there before 10:30 because I'm pretty sure...
:'''Josh''': It's illegal to use fake IDs!
:'''Drake''': Yeah, well, it's illegal to rob banks, but people do it!
:'''Josh''': Yes, people who are BANK ROBBERS!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[after Blaze has gone]''
:'''Josh''': Are you CRAZY?! What if Mom, Dad or Megan are downstairs?
:'''Drake''': Look, both of the cars are gone, alright? So nobody's home.
:'''Josh''': Good. Oh, quick. Quick, let's call the cops before he comes back.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, right, right, right, right.
:'''Josh''': Okay.
:'''Drake''': Uh...
:'''Josh''': Uh, alright. ''[pushes the phone with his head and he and Drake struggle to call the police]'' Alright, work together. Teamwork.
:'''Drake''': Okay.
:'''Josh''': Teamwork.
:'''Drake''': Alright.
:'''Josh''': To the left.
:'''Drake''': Ow!
:'''Josh''': To the--
:'''Drake''': Grab it.
:'''Josh''': Alright. ''[the phone slides away from him and Drake]'' Teamworking.
:'''Drake''': Grab it. Alright, press the 9, man.
:'''Josh''': Oh, this isn't gonna work.
:'''Drake''': Alright. Fine, fine, here. ''[puts it behind him]'' I'll hold it behind my back, you dial it with your nose.
:'''Josh''': I'm not sticking my nose down there.
:'''Drake''': Would you rather take your chances with a vicious criminal?
:'''Josh''': I think so.
:'''Drake''': Oh, just dial the number.
:'''Josh''': Alright. ''[presses the 9 button with his nose]'' 9. ''[then the 1 button]'' 1. 
:''[sneezes on the phone and Drake lets go of it]''
:'''Drake''': Aw, man. You sneezed on my palm.
:'''Josh''': It is allergy season. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:'''Criminal''': It's some goofy-looking dude in a really bad shirt. 
:'''Drake and Josh''': Dad.

===Megan's First Kiss=== 
:'''Josh''': Thanks for the tip, dad! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:'''Megan''': Um, what are you doing this Saturday night?
:'''Drake''': Going to a concert at the Mega Dome.
:'''Josh''': Why?
:'''Drake''': 'Cause we bought tickets.
:'''Josh''': ''[to Drake]'' Not you! ''[to Megan]'' Why do you wanna know what we're doing Saturday night?
:'''Megan''': I don't care what you're doing.
:'''Drake''': But you just asked us.
:'''Megan''': Or, maybe you, just asked yourselves! Yeah. Think about that... ''[Megan leaves the room smiling]''
:'''Drake''': Okay I wanna know what her deal is!
:'''Josh''': Yeah, yeah, yeah she's up to something!
:'''Drake''': Yeah, first she hangs up the phone, pretends to not be talking to anybody.
:'''Josh''': Yeah, and she measures our necks and asks of our social plans.
:'''Drake''': Wait, she said we asked ourselves about that.
:'''Josh''': Really, you're not a smart boy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake and Josh walk into the Premiere disguised as Jews]''
:'''Drake''': Okay, all I'm saying is, the next time we need disguises, I'm getting them!
:'''Josh''': I told you, the costume shop was closed, the temple was open! And these are good disguises.
:'''Drake''': I don't even know what accent to talk with. 
:'''Josh''': Doesn't matter, just sound foreign.
:'''Helen''': Can I help you gentlemen find something?
:'''Josh''': ''[Irish accent]'' Top of the mornin to ya, how are ya? Potata!
:'''Helen''': Potato?
:'''Drake''': ''[Irish accent]'' Come along, Pontiac.
:'''Josh''': Yes, let's go observe the mulberry bush!
:'''Drake''': Pip pip da doodly-doo!
:'''Helen''': Pip pip da doodly-doo! I'm gonna start sayin that. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt; 
:'''Megan''': I love you guys.

===The Battle of Panthatar===
:''[Opening comments: Drake and Josh ask themselves random questions]''
:'''Drake''': Hello, what's your name?
:'''Josh''': Hi! Who are you?
:'''Drake''': What is your favorite thing to eat?
:'''Josh''': What games do you like to play?
:'''Drake and Josh''': Me, too!
:'''Drake''': Hey, do you like me?
:'''Josh''': Do you wanna be my friend?
:'''Drake''': Aw, thank you!
:'''Josh''': ... What is that supposed to mean?
:'''Drake''': You think I'm handsome? What a special thing to say!
:'''Josh''': What? Who are you calling a dork? Hey hey hey hey! Go fetch your mother! Yeah I'm talking to you!
:'''Drake''': A present? For me?
:'''Josh''': Alright just put your kid right in front of the TV set because I have a few things to say!
:'''Drake''': ''[holding a handed a plate of cookies]'' A plate of cookies? Ohh, yummy!
:'''Josh''': I-I think it's pretty rude to tell a person that he's a --''[boy spits in his eye]''... did you just... you spit in my eye!
:'''Drake''': Mmm... these are my favorite!
:'''Josh''': Ohh, it burns! Aghh! Aghh!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:'''Thornton''': What's up, Nicholas? 

:'''Thronton''': MARIA!!! 
:'''Maria''': Thronton! 
:'''Josh''': Free popcorn??? 

:'''Thronton''': What's the matter with you!? 

:'''Josh''': ''[sobs]'' 
:'''Crazy Steve''': Excuse me! No yelling in the theater area. 
:'''Lady''': Excuse me, where's the ladies' restroom? 
:'''Crazy Steve''': I AM TALKING TO PEOPLE!!! 
:'''Thornton''': UNINVITED!!!! ''[storms away]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:''[Drake enters his and Josh's room]''
:'''Drake''': Hey.
:'''Josh''': Well? Did you go to Thornton's house? Did you apologize?
:'''Drake''': Yeah, I went to Thornton's house, and I apologized.
:'''Josh''': Well, perfect, and?
:'''Drake''': He had his housekeeper kick me out, then he hit me with a broom, and I fell down some brick stairs.
:'''Josh''': ''[groans]'' I really wanted to go to that party. Why do you ruin everything?
:'''Drake''': Don't worry, alright? I'm gonna figure a way to get even with that Thornton.
:'''Josh''': I don't wanna get even. ''[whining]'' I WANNA GO TO THAT BIRTHDAY PARTY!
:'''Drake''': Bro, Thornton hates us.
:'''Josh''': Well, let's make him love us again.
:'''Drake''': I tried.
:'''Josh''': Well, maybe we can... ''[notices Drake's autographed [[The Beatles|Beatles]] ''Abbey Road'' album]'' Hey. Isn't Thornton a huge Beatles fan?
:'''Drake''': Well, yeah, but I don't see what that has to do-- [realizes what Josh means] Oh, no, no. No way. ''[hides it in his arms]'' Don't even think about it.
:'''Josh''': I'm telling you, if we give him that album--
:'''Drake''': Absolutely not.
:'''Josh''': I guarantee you he'll re-invite us.
:'''Drake''': Dude, I love this album more than I love myself.
:'''Josh''': Dude.
:'''Drake''': Okay, but I love this album a lot. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt; 
:'''Thornton''': Hey! Drake and Josh are not invited! I want them outta here!

===[[w:Really Big Shrimp|Really Big Shrimp]]===
&lt;small&gt;Note: This episode was an hour long.&lt;/small&gt;
:'''Crazy Steve''': ''[looks at his watch]'' It's time! ''[he steals old man's cane and starts chasing Josh]'' You ate my enchilada!
:'''Josh''': There was no note!
:'''Crazy Steve''': You ate my enchilada!
:'''Josh''': There was no note! 
:'''Crazy Steve''': You ate my enchilada! 
:'''Josh''': I thought we settled this! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Audrey''': ''[hears doorbell; talking about Helen and Lula]'' Walter, they're here.
:'''Walter''': Ooh. ''[walks before the front door]''
:'''Megan''': Dad, are you sure about this?
:'''Walter''': Yes. And we are doing a very nice thing for a sweet old lady. ''[Lula breaks the door in] ''
:'''Lula''': Where's the bathroom?!
:'''Audrey''': Did you just break our door in?!
:'''Lula''': I rang the doorbell, waited 25 seconds, no one answered, what I supposed to do?
:'''Josh''': You could've rang the doorbell, again.
:'''Lula''': ''[to Helen]'' Who's that boy with a big head that looks like a tooth pick with a cantaloupe on top? ''[Megan laughs and Josh give her a furious look]''
:'''Megan''': What, am I going to pretend that wasn't funny?
:'''Helen''': That's Josh, he works with me at the Premeire. ''[introduces everyone else]'' That's Drake, I prefer him. That's Megan, that's Mrs. Parker (Audrey), and this is...''[forgets who Walter is]''
:'''Walter''': Walter!
:'''Lula''': Great, now where's the bathroom?!
:'''Audrey''': Right through that door.
:'''Lula''': Well, thank you for finally giving me that information! ''[walks into bathroom and slams door]''
:'''Audrey''': Is she always so--? 
:'''Helen''': Buh-bye! ''[goes away]''
:'''Megan''': I can't believe that lady is staying in our guest room for a week.
:'''Walter''': No, she's staying in your room.
:'''Megan''': What?!
:'''Audrey''': You'll be staying in the boys' room.
:'''Drake, Josh and Megan''': What?!
:'''Josh''': This is an outrage!
:'''Drake''': What are we gonna stay?
:'''Walter''': ''[to Drake and Josh]'' Your room is huge. The three of you will be fine for a week.
:'''Megan''': Aw, this is horrible.
:'''Walter''': It's not that bad.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Megan''': Fine, I'll tell him. Josh, Molly thinks you're cute.
:'''Megan's Friends''': Eww!
:''[Josh walks out of the room]''
:'''Molly''': Call me!!
:'''Megan's Friends''': Eww!
:''[Josh peeks his head back through the door]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Drake arrives home]''
:'''Audrey''': Super Bowl's on.
:'''Drake''': I don't care.
:'''Josh''': Come on, the commercial's up in about two minutes. You gotta watch. It's your song.
:'''Drake''': It's not my song. It's horrible bubble-gum pop garbage-y badness. That 50,000,000 people are about to hear. I'll be on the roof.
:'''Josh''': Why?
:'''Drake''': Because you're not there. ''[walks away]''
:'''Josh''': Drake! ''[runs off to Drake]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Crazy Steve''': Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in...
:'''Lula''': ''[annoyed]'' I know how to breathe!
:'''Crazy Steve''': ''[screaming]'' '''''JUST DO WHAT I SAY!'''''
:'''Lula''': ''[scared]'' Okay. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mindy''': ''[Yells after Crazy Steve goes insane]'' Help! Crazy Steve's gone berserk! 
:'''Josh &amp; Helen''': Crazy Steve!? 
:'''Mindy''': WHO ELSE!? 
:'''Josh''': But it's Monday, you can't schedule Crazy Steve to work on a Monday! 
:'''Helen''': Monday's his bad day! 
:'''Mindy''': Well, no one TOLD me that!!! 
:'''Crazy Steve''': ''[waving nutted shoes]'' CUCKADOODLEDOO, THE COW SAYS MOO!!! 

I want the shrimp.

===Helicopter=== 
:'''Vince''': That's S.P.L.A.T.. 
:'''Drake''': That's spelled splat. 
:'''Vince''': Oh, man. 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:''[Drake and Josh try to wake up Vince]''
:'''Josh''': Hey, hey. He's awake.
:'''Drake''': You're awake!
:'''Vince''': ''[wakes up]'' Oh, what happened? How long I been out?
:'''Drake''': About 10 minutes. 
:'''Vince''': Oh, I remember. You clowns were fighting over this parachute. ''[holds his head]'' Oh, what'd I hit my head on?
:'''Josh''': This fire extinguisher.
:'''Vince''': Oh.
:'''Josh''': See, I'm pretty sure you hit your head right on this lever-- ''[he accidentally sprays Vince with a fire extinguisher and Vince screams outside after he pranked him]''
:'''Drake''': ''[angrily]'' Do you know what you just did?!
:'''Josh''': ''[worried]'' I extinguished our pilot?
:'''Drake''': ''[angrily]'' No, he has a parachute! You've extinguished us!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Vince angrily arrives at Drake and Josh's house after Drake and Josh blasted him out of the helicopter]''
:'''Vince''': You blasted me out of my own helicopter.
:'''Drake &amp; Josh''': Wha-- shh!
:'''Drake''': Not in front of our parents.
:'''Audrey''': Who is it?
:'''Drake &amp; Josh''': Uh--
:'''Drake''': Some, crazy, guy.
:''[Josh whistles]''
:'''Walter''': ''[to Audrey]'' I'll handle this. ''[he walks over to Vince]'' How can I help you?
:'''Vince''': Are you their father?
:'''Walter''': Yes. ''[Vince angrily gives him a bill]'' What's this?
:'''Vince''': ''[angrily]'' A bill. That's how much you owe me for my new helicopter.
:'''Walter''': What? ''[looks at the bill Vince gave him how much he needs to pay for his helicopter]'' '''''$400,000?!'''''
:''[Audrey and Megan are both shocked]''
:'''Drake''': ''[as Walter]'' Boys, you're both grounded.
:'''Josh''': But, Dad--
:'''Drake''': ''[as Walter]'' Grounded, two weeks.
:'''Josh''': But it wasn't our fault!
:'''Drake''': ''[as Walter]'' Upstairs.
:'''Josh''': ''[defeated]'' Yes, sir.
:'''Drake''': Night.
:'''Josh''': Night.
:''[knowing the consequences, Drake and Josh ground themselves for two weeks as the episode ends]''

===Dance Contest===
:'''Eric''': So, uh, Josh, thanks for throwing me this... great party.
:'''Drake''': Yeah, this is quite a party. Hope the neighbors don't call the cops on us.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt; 
:'''Stage director''': STOP IT! ''[multiple times]'' Perhaps, you ladies didn't read the rules: you fight, you're out! 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Drake and Josh''': ''[last lines]'' Who is she?

==External links==

{{wikipedia|Drake &amp; Josh}}

[[Category:Drake &amp; Josh seasons]]
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>o487cbi5epv2rndtxr593yq6zdx3ih1</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>User talk:GreenMeansGo</title>
    <ns>3</ns>
    <id>179868</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153616</id>
      <parentid>3150963</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T17:57:35Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ilovemydoodle</username>
        <id>3120156</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Help */ new section</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="60741" xml:space="preserve">{{notice|This user may have limited availability due to real world events.}}
{| class=&quot;infobox&quot; width=&quot;150&quot;
|- align=&quot;center&quot; 
| [[File:Replacement filing cabinet.svg|40px|Archive]] &lt;br /&gt; '''Archives'''
|- align=&quot;center&quot;
|[[User talk:GreenMeansGo/Archive 1|1]]
|}

==Scrub please==
[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Pizza&amp;oldid=prev&amp;diff=2805914]. [[User:Drmies|Drmies]] ([[User talk:Drmies|talk]]) 16:39, 6 June 2020 (UTC)
:Sorry. I've been in and out. But it looks like someone else took care of it. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 01:42, 9 June 2020 (UTC)

== [[Special:Contributions/86.20.54.197]] ==

[[Special:Contributions/86.20.54.197|This user]] clearly is not here to build an encyclopedia. Cheers! [[User:Nadzik|Nadzik]] ([[User talk:Nadzik|talk]]) 14:09, 22 July 2020 (UTC)
:{{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:37, 23 July 2020 (UTC)

== Recruitment for WMF study on patrollers ==

Hello GreenMeansGo,

The Wikimedia Foundation is currently conducting a study on how patrollers interact with IP address edits, and what kinds of IP information are most useful to patrollers. I noticed that you're active in anti-vandalism work on English Wikiquote, and would like to invite you to do an interview with us. It should take no longer than 30 minutes. If you're interested, please contact me via email, clo@wikimedia.org. Thank you for your time! [[User:CLo (WMF)|CLo (WMF)]] ([[User talk:CLo (WMF)|talk]]) 16:23, 17 August 2020 (UTC)

== Friendly letter recommodation ==

Hy thr i saw you reviewed my edit im nt angry i'd like to ask for some advice on wikiquote if you would please i wanna do it personal my number is [redacted] can you send me info on that number please [[User:Angie williamz|Angie williamz]] ([[User talk:Angie williamz|talk]]) 02:51, 26 September 2020 (UTC)
:{{ping|Angie williamz}} generally you shouldn't be posting phone numbers publically like that. I have hidden it in the history, and suggest emailing GreenMeansGo using the &quot;Email this user&quot; feature if you want to discuss something privately. --[[User:DannyS712|DannyS712]] ([[User talk:DannyS712|talk]]) 03:21, 26 September 2020 (UTC)

Ok thanks for the advice [[User:Angie williamz|Angie williamz]] ([[User talk:Angie williamz|talk]]) 03:24, 26 September 2020 (UTC)
* I reverted your edit because you changed the text of the tag line for the movie. Quotes are just that. We don't edit them or update them to make them more agreeable. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:39, 26 September 2020 (UTC)

== Block? ==
I don't know what these two users are up to but it's nothing good. Please consider a block: [[Special:Contributions/14.139.153.162]], [[Special:Contributions/Manasvip]], [[Special:Contributions/Ashank07]]. [[User:Praxidicae|Praxidicae]] ([[User talk:Praxidicae|talk]]) 17:54, 6 January 2021 (UTC)
* Look like UDScott has already obliged us. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 17:46, 9 January 2021 (UTC)

== M.Zaid ==

Thanks - that was my inclination as well, but I had already speedy deleted it a couple of times and wanted at least someone neutral to look at it. Thanks for pulling the trigger. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:29, 31 March 2021 (UTC)
:I'm glad you agree. It at least made intuitive sense to me. If I made a mainspace page for GreenMeansGo including all my favorite quotes from Mick Jagger, it would kindof seem to make sense that &quot;no quote&quot; means no quotes specifically from the subject of the article. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:34, 31 March 2021 (UTC)

== Swati Maliwal ==

Hello, I saw you deleted this page [[Swati Maliwal]]. I was looking for her quotes over the internet. This was my first page on Wikiquotes. I am supposed to make mistakes. But, at least you should've waited for a day. I didn't know how to move it to Draftspace or to userspace as we can do so on Wikipedia. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 12:54, 21 April 2021 (UTC)
:Hey {{ping|Lightbluerain}}. It's perfectly fine to have works in progress, but new pages should include at least one quote. If you're having difficulty finding at least a single sourceable quote, then the subject may not be appropriate for a Wikiquote article. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:49, 21 April 2021 (UTC)
::She is a very notable personality in India. Check her Wikipedia Page. I just being new don't know what type of Quotes? What type of references, etc.? would go. That's why I was taking time. Should I make the page again now? [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 18:19, 25 April 2021 (UTC)
:::{{re|Lightbluerain}} You're more than welcome to make a page. It's just a standard that has been adopted over time that we ought to be prepared with at least one sourced quote before we do so. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:02, 27 April 2021 (UTC)
::::Alright, thanks. I'll take care from now on. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 19:32, 27 April 2021 (UTC)
:::::{{re|Lightbluerain}} I'll be travelling internationally for the next little bit, but if I can ever be of any help at all feel free to stop by. I may not be prompt, but I'll be happy to help any way I can. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 21:38, 27 April 2021 (UTC)
::::::Thanks a lot. Sure.[[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 18:31, 28 April 2021 (UTC)

== YouTube ==

Hello, why can we not use YouTube links in sources? They give good source for statements, like the TEDx Talks and news reports.  Also, is there any tool to add sources here as we have on Wikipedia? I can't find it; I doubt the source format I am currently using. Thanks in advance. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 18:43, 3 May 2021 (UTC)
* {{re|Lightbluerain}} We generally don't allow primary sources for quotes about living people, as it allows...''a great deal of leeway'' for individual editors to selectively quote things that happen to fit their particular point of view, especially when these are taken out of context. Personally, on any topic, I tend to add quotes ''as they are quoted'' in secondary sources, like newspapers, books or magazines. It kindof takes you as an individual out of the equation. Somebody already quoted it exactly as you are quoting it. We're not (at least in my opinion) really supposed to be creating anything. We're just curating and organizing it.
: As to the sourcing tool, no. We do not currently have that imported to this project. I normally open my sandbox on Wikipedia, use the tool, and then copy/paste the wikitext. I'm afraid that while I have the technical access to import this tool, I do not have the technical expertise. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 02:37, 4 May 2021 (UTC)
::Alright, thanks. [[User:Lightbluerain|Lightbluerain]] ([[User talk:Lightbluerain|talk]]) 12:31, 4 May 2021 (UTC)

== A Swallow Is Back ==

Reviewing the newly archived application page, reading your thoughtful comment, a proverb his me: one swallow does not a summer make. Instead of lengthy requesting comment of mine, I'd have liked to cite it from ''Nicomachean Ethics''.  Thank you for reminding me on that line, however, it's my great regret I then forgot it completely :(  Apparently I need more rehabilitation. --[[User:Aphaia|Aphaia]] ([[User talk:Aphaia|talk]]) 14:56, 5 September 2021 (UTC)
:No worries. Try hard. Do well. That's all that is expected of any of us. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:28, 5 September 2021 (UTC)

== New user needs help ==

Hi
I am new on Wikiquotes and I need help navigating through the platform. I need someone to teach me a few things. Do you think you can help?
I am an experienced Wikipedia editor and I am confident i learn pretty fast. 
 
P.S I am think of a online meeting on Zoom or Google meet. I just need to know the basics e.g notability. [[User:Prithee P|Prithee P]] ([[User talk:Prithee P|talk]]) 10:45, 19 September 2021 (UTC)
: We actually have our own standard, which is [[WQ:QUOTABILITY]], rather than notability. Of course, a highly notable person is more likely to be quotable (and it would require unusual circumstances for us to include quotes from someone not notable enough to merit a Wikipedia article). [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 19:22, 19 September 2021 (UTC)
:: An online meeting can be a good idea, last year we already did [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mu36KlVmY-o something] like this on the Italian Wikiquote. --[[User:Spinoziano|Spinoziano]] ([[User talk:Spinoziano|talk]]) 06:22, 20 September 2021 (UTC)
:::Could be a cool idea if there's enough interest. Maybe even a quarterly or monthly thing. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:38, 20 September 2021 (UTC)
::::Yes, I know that [[User:Superchilum|Superchilum]] and [[User:Camelia.boban|Camelia.boban]] wanted to do it in English too, and this year I am willing to appear too. If we repeat [[m:Wiki Loves Women/SheSaid|SheSaid]] next month, I hope it might be of interest to [[User:Prithee P|Prithee P]] too. --[[User:Spinoziano|Spinoziano]] ([[User talk:Spinoziano|talk]]) 14:33, 20 September 2021 (UTC)
:::::Yes, we will repeat #SheSaid next month, so I'am available for a online meeting. Here is the webinar we did with WikiDonne ([https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BeHTpFVYdOw&amp;ab_channel=WikipediaWeekly in English], &amp; [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mu36KlVmY-o&amp;t=980s&amp;ab_channel=WikiDonne in Italian]). --[[User:Camelia.boban|Camelia.boban]] ([[User talk:Camelia.boban|talk]]) 15:50, 20 September 2021 (UTC)

Thank you all for your responses. {{reply to|Spinoziano}}, I know about the #Shesaid project and I am interested. I can run one here in my  country. We can recruit new editors to Wiki quotes especially people interested in bridging the gender gap. 
{{replyto|Camelia.boban}} I have sent you a message on IG. Hope that is fine? I will also send you an email. I will looking forward to the online meeting. Thank you.
P.s Thank you for adding the video link.  [[User:Prithee P|Prithee P]] ([[User talk:Prithee P|talk]]) 00:10, 22 September 2021 (UTC)

:Hi! Thank you for involving me :-) unfortunately in November I will  go to an expedition to Antarctica until the end of February, so I will not be available. I can help with some stuff until my departure, but not so much since I have a lot of things to deal with :-) anyway, if you need anything, try to ask me and I'll do what I can. Bye! --[[User:Superchilum|Superchilum]] ([[User talk:Superchilum|talk]]) 06:33, 26 September 2021 (UTC)

== covid vaccine / miscarriage ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}}

What is your opinion of
this edit: https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Miscarriage&amp;diff=3007642&amp;oldid=2933410

Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 16:00, 27 September 2021 (UTC)
:{{re|Ottawahitech}} It looks like a fairly poor quality source from a non notable writer, that takes a study saying &quot;we find no adverse effects&quot; and then figuring out how to do their own amateur math to reach the opposite conclusion of the study itself. Besides that, it's not particularly pithy or quotable. It's just a statistic, even if it wasn't an apparently badly calculated one. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:44, 29 September 2021 (UTC)

== COVID-19 vaccine ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}}

The article [[COVID-19 vaccine]] has gotten a few updates with souces I am not familiar with on October 8. Can you please check if the edits are legitimate?
Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 20:43, 9 October 2021 (UTC)
* Just looking it over, still looks like it could use quite a bit of cleanup. Still quotes that are really just bare statistics. Quotes to quite low quality sources. Vox Populi, which seems to just be a personal blog. Substack, which is pretty much just a blog also. Direct quotes from Twitter, some by apparently non-notable people, others that can't be described as a quote at all, like Jimmy Wales just sharing a link. Sputnik, which is really just a state propaganda outlet. Some over quoting, like paragraphs of quotes from Nature.
: I haven't looked to sort of exactly who added what, but it's probably safe to say a fair bit of content has been added to prove a point, and not for being high quality quotations from notable people or works. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:11, 10 October 2021 (UTC)

== Category Activist stubs question ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}},

On 6 January 2019 you created a [[:Category:Activists stubs]] which currently has only two pages in it, even though  [[:Category:Category:Activist stubs]] had been in existence for two years.  Just wondering if this was an oversight or something deeper? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 13:47, 26 October 2021 (UTC)
:Probably just a typo on my part. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:04, 27 October 2021 (UTC)

== How we will see unregistered users ==

&lt;section begin=content/&gt;
Hi!

You get this message because you are an admin on a Wikimedia wiki.

When someone edits a Wikimedia wiki without being logged in today, we show their IP address. As you may already know, we will not be able to do this in the future. This is a decision by the Wikimedia Foundation Legal department, because norms and regulations for privacy online have changed.

Instead of the IP we will show a masked identity. You as an admin '''will still be able to access the IP'''. There will also be a new user right for those who need to see the full IPs of unregistered users to fight vandalism, harassment and spam without being admins. Patrollers will also see part of the IP even without this user right. We are also working on [[m:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation/Improving tools|better tools]] to help.

If you have not seen it before, you can [[m:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation|read more on Meta]]. If you want to make sure you don’t miss technical changes on the Wikimedia wikis, you can [[m:Global message delivery/Targets/Tech ambassadors|subscribe]] to [[m:Tech/News|the weekly technical newsletter]].

We have [[m:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation#IP Masking Implementation Approaches (FAQ)|two suggested ways]] this identity could work. '''We would appreciate your feedback''' on which way you think would work best for you and your wiki, now and in the future. You can [[m:Talk:IP Editing: Privacy Enhancement and Abuse Mitigation|let us know on the talk page]]. You can write in your language. The suggestions were posted in October and we will decide after 17 January.

Thank you. 
/[[m:User:Johan (WMF)|Johan (WMF)]]&lt;section end=content/&gt;

18:14, 4 January 2022 (UTC)
&lt;!-- Message sent by User:Johan (WMF)@metawiki using the list at https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=User:Johan_(WMF)/Target_lists/Admins2022(3)&amp;oldid=22532499 --&gt;

== [[Game of Death/The Game of Death]] ==

GreenMeansGo and 
[[Wikidata:Q20202630|wikidata?]]
You deleted the page but could you solve the problem? Thank you [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 12:05, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
* I don't understand what the problem is you're trying to solve. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:09, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*:Hi GMG, on [[Wikidata:Q854576|Wikidata Game of Death (1978)]] there is [[w:en:Game of Death|Wikipedia (Game of Death film 1978)]] and [[Game of Death|Dialogue]] but [[w:simple:The Game of Death|The Game of Death (1972)]] there aren't [[Game of Death#1972|Dialogue]] on [[wikidata:Q20202630|Wikidata The Game of Death (1972)]]. Can you help me please? 15:47, 12 January 2022 (UTC) [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 15:47, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*::You can always create an article on Wikiquote for [[The Game of Death (1972)]]. I'm afraid I don't read or speak Cantonese. So I'm not sure how much help I can be other than that. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:27, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*:::No Cantonese but on English. Ok I go [[The Game of Death (1972)]]. Thank you very much! [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 16:39, 12 January 2022 (UTC)
*::::Dear GMG Can you help me? I would like to incorporate [https://incubator.wikimedia.org/wiki/Wq/yue/%E6%AD%BB%E4%BA%A1%E7%9A%84%E9%81%8A%E6%88%B2 this page] into [[Wikidata:Q20202630|this wikidata]] [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 09:35, 20 January 2022 (UTC)
*:::::Incubator is kind of a testing ground or sandbox, and as far as I know, isn't supported by Wikidata. It's meant to be an internal project and not something for public consumption. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:14, 21 January 2022 (UTC)
*::::::Ok Thank you [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 18:33, 21 January 2022 (UTC)
*:::::::Hello GreenMeansGo, I'm sorry to bother you but I have a problem [[User talk:UDScott##External links (The Game of Death)|here]] with the User UDScott. I am very helpful but he is always full of doubts, could you help him? Please! [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 23:13, 31 January 2022 (UTC)
*::::::::Please! please! please! help me with the User UDScott [[User talk:UDScott##External links (The Game of Death)|here]] [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 17:18, 1 February 2022 (UTC)
* I'm not sure how much help I can be here in a detailed dispute. I don't speak the language. I don't know that we have anyone at all who is active on this project who does speak the language. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:58, 2 February 2022 (UTC)

*:[[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] is an incomplete Hong Kong martial arts film, filmed between August and October 1972, directed, written, produced by and starring [[Bruce Lee]], in his final film project. Lee died during the making of the film.  During filming, Lee received an offer to star in [[Enter the Dragon]]. Lee died of cerebral edema before the film's release. At the time of his death, he had made plans to resume the filming of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. In 1973 some fragments were shown exclusively within the documentary [[Bruce Lee: the Mand and the Legend]]. After Lee's death, Enter the Dragon director Robert Clouse was enlisted to finish the film using two stand-ins; it was released in 1978 as [[Game of Death]], five years after Lee's death, by Golden Harvest. The 1978 film's plot was altered to a revenge story. In 1978 the Golden Harvest has released [[Game of Death]] (and sequel [[Game of Death II]] in 1981). The 1978 version uses portions of the original footage married to an entirely [[w:Game of Death#Game of Death (1978)|new plot]]. The revised version of the film uses only 11 minutes and 7 seconds of the footage from the original [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. Several years later, Bruce Lee historian John Little released [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]], a documentary revealing the original footage and storyline of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. The documentary also includes a fairly in-depth biography of Lee and leads into the filming of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. Five years after Bruce Lee's death in 1973, Golden Harvest used about 11 minutes of Lee's uncompleted original footage intended by him to become the film &quot;[[Game of Death]]&quot;, completing the rest of their 1978 film using Lee look-a-likes. Twenty-three more minutes of Lee's original footage were considered lost for 28 years, until they were discovered by Bey Logan in 1999. John Little assembled these parts according to Lee's script notes, reflecting more accurately Lee's intentions. In 2000 it was directed the short film [[The Story (2000 film)|The Story]]. The movie is the storyline ([[w:simple:The Game of Death#Plot|Plot]])for [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] and the missing part of Bruce Lee's [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]], '''not played in 1972'''. ([[The Story (2000 film)|The Story]] is also a prequel and sequel of [[Game of Death Redux]]). Directed in South Korea by John Little, distributed as a special feature in DVD of the documentary [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]]. In 2000, the Japanese film [[Bruce Lee in G.O.D: Shibōteki Yūgi|Bruce Lee in G.O.D 死亡的遊戯]] was released on DVD. This film shows Lee's original vision of the film through the existing footage that was shot for the film before he died (= [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] of [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]]), interviews, and historical re-enactments of what went on behind the scenes. On 2019 producer Alan Canvan edited [[Game of Death Redux]], edit only uses footage shot during the original production of [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]]. The film was released as a special feature in The Criterion Collection's Blu-ray box set of Bruce Lee films, on July 14, 2020. [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 23:58, 2 February 2022 (UTC)
*:: Inside the documentary [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]] there is [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] (1972 – original footage)&lt;br&gt;Inside the documentary [[Bruce Lee in G.O.D: Shibōteki Yūgi]] there is [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] (1972 – original footage)&lt;br&gt;Inside [[Game of Death Redux]] there is only [[The Game of Death (1972)|The Game of Death]] (1972 – original footage)&lt;br&gt;Inside [[The Story (2000 film)|The Story]] there is only original script and the party not played in 1972&lt;br&gt;1972 Original footage of [[Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey]] = 1972 Original footage of [[Bruce Lee in G.O.D: Shibōteki Yūgi]] = [[Game of Death Redux]] (only small differences)&lt;br&gt;[[The Story (2000 film)]] + [[Game of Death Redux]] = [[The Game of Death (1972)]]&lt;br&gt;[[Game of Death|Game of Death (1978 film)]] only 11 minutes and 7 seconds [[The Game of Death (1972)]] but plot and dialogue different [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]]

*::: Do you understand ? [[Special:Contributions/185.167.52.108|185.167.52.108]] 08:57, 3 February 2022 (UTC)

== RfA close ==

I have no objection to your closing the discussion, but I did have an eye on it to do so today. [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 06:58, 2 March 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|BD2412}} Sorry if I got in your way. I just know we've had quite a few in the past that have languished for a bit. Given the level of disruption around this one in particular, it seemed prudent to wrap things up. I didn't expect much objection given that only one regular user opposed. But if you think it will be wiser, please feel free to reclose as someone completely uninvolved.
: Maybe it's not a bad idea to draw lots and assign one of us to sit out an RfA and be the designated closer. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:45, 2 March 2022 (UTC)
:: I don't think it's an issue, but I went ahead and reclosed just to avoid any question. Cheers! [[User:BD2412|&lt;font style=&quot;background:#F2E6CE&quot;&gt;''BD2412''&lt;/font&gt;]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 20:16, 2 March 2022 (UTC)

== Template:Trusted List ==

The page was not a test page, can you please reinstate it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 22:25, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|Ilovemydoodle}} You are free to keep personal lists in your user space, as you have created already. However, these are not appropriate for public-facing [[:w:Wikipedia:Namespace|name spaces]] like template space. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 22:29, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*:Then, can you please give me the source of the deleted page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 22:31, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*::It is the same as the list on your user page that you can access by clicking the hyperlink on your name. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 22:33, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::The list on my name used that template and no longer works now that that page was deleted. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 22:36, 17 May 2022 (UTC)
*::::@[[User:Koavf|Koavf]] Could you give me the source of that page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]]) 02:06, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::::* [[User:UDScott|UDScott]]
*:::::* [[User:ShakespeareFan00|ShakespeareFan00]]
*:::::* [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]]
*:::::* [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]]
*:::::* [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]]
*:::::* [[User:Koavf|Koavf]]
*:::::* [[User:Ferien|Ferien]]
*:::::* [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:10, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::::*:yes, interesting..
*:::::*:The way the system here is designed is to have templates in the public part of the wiki, and btw, thanks GMG for clarifying that at WQ users can put their own private thoughts on userspace. It is a shame though that we cannot use template, category and what-have-you technology also into userspace [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:16, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
*:::::*::Well, you can use Templates in user space via transclusion. — [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:17, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::::It's generally just a commonly recognized divide across projects. It can be confusing for readers if we unexpectedly delve them into internal dialogue. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:02, 18 May 2022 (UTC)

== Hey there! ==

Why did you delete my page, I created how the article says &quot;what if 2020 was a person?&quot; I added many details, but somehow, you deleted it for no reason. Thank you if you explain this. --[[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 18:17, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
:Hey anon. Wikiquote only hosts pages on subjects that are considered notable, usually meaning that they have been widely covered in published sources. Often a good measure of this is whether they have an article over on Wikipedia. It seems highly doubtful that the question of &quot;what if 2020 was a person&quot; has been the subject of significant published sources, and one-off references to YouTube videos don't really count toward that. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 18:55, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
::Oh, the text isn't real, I added information that &quot;what if 2020 was a person&quot; I made the information by myself, and since there are no reliable sources, I used links and blog posts to support hose sources. Apologies, but my article I created was not meant to be taken seriously, it was made humorous and too entertaining ￼. I inserted fun into those edits to entertain the readers and viewers. And I added trivia and different plots in order to use imagination. Thank you! [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 18:59, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
:::We also don't host original content purely for entertainment purposes. I'm afraid you will have to keep that to social media, blogs and the like. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 19:03, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
::::Can you explain why this wiki not host original content for entertainment purposes? [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 19:07, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
:::::It's just isn't within the established scope of the project. We're intended to be a collection of educationally useful quotes on broadly important subjects. It's a bit like asking why Instagram isn't for sharing software and short stories. It just isn't. There are places beside Instagram which are for those other things. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 19:13, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
::::::Also, why Wikiquotes aren't a crystal ball? What if 2020 came to your house? What would you do? [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 15:48, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::It did come to my house. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:52, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Explain why it is not a crystal ball? [[Special:Contributions/204.129.232.191|204.129.232.191]] 16:01, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Because you can't cite sources that don't yet exist. It's a reference to fortune telling. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 19:31, 1 June 2022 (UTC)

== Admin accountability poll ==

[[File:Information.svg|25x25px]] Admin accountability poll is open, vote [[Wikiquote:Admin accountability poll|here]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 10:05, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== Block backlog ==

{{ping|GreenMeansGo}} Could you please fix the backlog of block requests? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:38, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
* ? [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:41, 5 June 2022 (UTC)

== WQT ==

Could you please make WQT a namespace? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 10:01, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
* Namespaces are part of the software. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:46, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Could you ask on Phab? (I can't for complicated reasons). – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:47, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::Why? Even if I did, it would probably be ignored because there doesn't seem to be any justification for the request. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:51, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::It’s very useful for shortcuts. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:52, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::That's not really a justification. The volunteers on Phab are not going to commit to creating an entirely new namespace so a few users on a small project can occasionally save a few keystrokes. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:54, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::::Why can’t it be added just for Wikiquote? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:55, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::::It doesn't really matter one way or the other. Making some redirects isn't a justification for creating an entirely new namespace. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:01, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::::::Well, WP exists on Wikipedia and WQ exists on Wikiquote. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:04, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::::::&quot;WP&quot; isn't a namespace. It's a [https://www.mediawiki.org/wiki/Manual:$wgNamespaceAliases namespace alias]. The Wikiquote talk namespace exists. That's why you can access [[Wikiquote talk:Administrators' noticeboard]]. Talk spaces are automatically created for all namespaces other than...ummm...virtual spaces like Special. Aliases are just...kindof like project wide automatic redirects. But project talk space here is so exceedingly rarely used it would take decades to recoup the effort put into getting someone to make a project talk alias. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:17, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::::::::I would like &quot;WQT:&quot; to be an alias for &quot;Template:&quot;. - [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:23, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
* Honestly, I'm not really concerned about that either. There's something like 150 templates on the entire project. Feel free to go ask, but I don't think anyone on Phab is going to care. They're going to tell you the same thing I'm going to tell you: Even much larger projects like Wikipedia and Commons don't have a template space alias, and it's not worth implementing for the half dozen people here who might actually eventually use it. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:32, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Only 150 Templates, really? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:00, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::Probably around about that which are regularly used. There's 170 in [[:Category:Templates without documentation]], but for some, it's anybody's guess what they're even supposed to do. If you don't count the 80 or so stub templates, probably half the existing templates could be deleted and nobody would even notice. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:58, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::Wait, according to the statistics page I have imported ~200 Templates from Wikipedia, does that mean I have created the majority of them? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:28, 5 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::Well...I'm doing a bit of back-of-the-envelope guess-timation on just how many of these templates were made by someone once a decade ago and no one on the project even knows they exist. AKA not templates that would actually benefit from a namespace alias. I'm also discounting — as I indicated — about 80 stub templates, because I don't think anyone has those memorized, and they're probably doing like I do, and just going to the category to find the right one. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 12:03, 6 June 2022 (UTC)

== 2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156 ==

2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156 should be blocked, but three months seems excessive. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:37, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
* Three days. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:38, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Oh, sorry I misread it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:39, 6 June 2022 (UTC)

== 2a02:8084:9840:cd00:7cd9:59c8:b937:d156 ==

Should you block ::/64? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:47, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
* Are you referring to 2a02:c7d:ec4a:cd00:7147:9a9c:2586:54ca? God no, even if it was problematic. That's not a /64, it's a /16...so...like 5x10&lt;sup&gt;30&lt;/sup&gt; IP addresses. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:20, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*:&lt;s&gt;???&lt;/s&gt; I’m not, I thought you were just meant to do ::/64 in general. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 14:27, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*::Sigh. You don't need a range block unless someone is hopping IP addresses. So...Imagine someone is riding on a high speed train and every few minutes they jump cell phone towers and change IP address. So you put the addresses into a calculator to get the range, but it blocks everything between the addresses. So you have to be careful how big it is. There have been times in the past on other projects where someone accidentally blocked like an entire cell phone provider for an entire country because they weren't paying close attention. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:32, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*:::[[w:User:TonyBallioni/Just block the /64]] – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 14:37, 6 June 2022 (UTC)
*::::As it happens, Tony taught me quite a bit of what I know about range blocks. But no, I don't do range blocks as a matter of course, not even on Commons, and this is a much smaller project with much less traffic. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:45, 6 June 2022 (UTC)

== Mario and Sonic Adventures 4: Leyend of the of the Abominable Snowman ==

Can I see the revision history of the page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:35, 7 June 2022 (UTC)
* No. It's just one of our old friends. Probably a bored child on summer vacation. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:36, 7 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Can you tell me who created the page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:37, 7 June 2022 (UTC)

== Stuartjack479 ==

I think permanent block is too long, maybe three months? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 10:47, 10 June 2022 (UTC)
* It's a bot. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 10:59, 10 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Oh. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:26, 10 June 2022 (UTC)
*::[https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Special:CentralAuth?target=Stuartjack479 Yup.] [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:37, 10 June 2022 (UTC)

== Uaeclt ==

Did you get pinged to that page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:10, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
* No. And if you're getting at what I think you're getting at, I'm not entirely too keen on being pinged every time someone drops a deletion template. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 11:11, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
*:Not a deletion Template, just block request Template that should only be used if the user is being VERY diruptive. — [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:13, 21 June 2022 (UTC)
*::We generally use things like categories for stuff like that. So someone can pop in, check a maintenance category, and clean it out of they have time. If I'm trying to resolve something at [[:c:Commons:Administrators' noticeboard]] and I'm getting 15 pings from templates on Wikiquote, I'm not going to be a happy camper. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 13:05, 21 June 2022 (UTC)

== Vandalism in a wiki ==

I have seen several cases of vandalism in this wiki, how can I report it?

'''Regards, Thanks.'''

[[User:Johnysnooww|Johnysnooww]] ([[User talk:Johnysnooww|talk]]) 16:05, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
* {{re|Johnysnooww}} You have only worked on a single page. The article has been nominated for deletion. At the conclusion of the discussion, an administrator will assess the community consensus.
Please do not remove the template for the discussion, as this notifies members of the community that the discussion is ongoing. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 22:17, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

== Module:Unsubst ==

Hello,

Please could you undelete [[Module:Unsubst]]? It's used in all those clean-up templates that Ilovemydoodle has been copying from wikipedia, so it is now used in hundreds of pages [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:WhatLinksHere/Module:Unsubst&amp;limit=500], which it wasn't when it was nominated for deletion. The deletion has caused &quot;no such module&quot; LUA errors to appear all over over the site, e.g. in [[2022 monkeypox outbreak]]. Thnaks, [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 16:43, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
* Don't pretend to know what all that means, but I'll take your word for it. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:46, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
*:Thank you, It's a rather clever module, it basically makes it impossible to substitute templates, if you substitute something which uses it it automatically unsubstitutes itself.
*:could you also undelete [[Template:Category handler]]? It's also being used in the inline cleanup tags copied from wikipedia so is currently used in 166 pages [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:WhatLinksHere/Template:Category_handler&amp;limit=500]. Thanks, [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 16:52, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
*::{{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:54, 26 July 2022 (UTC)
*:::Thanks, much appreciated. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 16:58, 26 July 2022 (UTC)

== Category:Slurs ==

Hello GreenMeansGo,
I'm currenly working my way through [[Special:WantedCategories]], and I noticed that [[:Category:Slurs]] was deleted by you with the rationale ''Mass deletion. I'm just going to go ahead and assume that we don't really need a bunch of redirects from racial slurs''. I assume this was a mistake and that the category wasn't supposed to be deleted? It doesn't seem like it was a redirect. If the deletion was accidenteal please could you undelete the page, if the deletion was on purpose let me know and I'll depopulate it. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 19:18, 28 July 2022 (UTC)
:I'm not sure I can tell you exactly what was happening there. It looks like it was tied up in xwiki abuse. So I may have followed them here from a mess on another project. Feel free to recreate if you think it's helpful. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 02:15, 29 July 2022 (UTC)
::Having looked at it a bit more closely I don't think this is worth recreating. All of the entries in there seem to be redirects, and to be honest most of them look rather inappropriate, e.g. Chink → [[Chinese people]] really doesn't seem like a useful or appropriate redirect, especially since the target doesn't have any content at all about the slur. Would the remaining contents of [[:Category:Slurs]] be speedy deletable, or will I need to start a VFD? [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 12:46, 30 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Done. I expect that if anyone were to seriously defend these redirects at VfD, we may have to have a discussion about their overall level of competence as a member of the community. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:04, 1 August 2022 (UTC)

== Lack of Notability ==

Hi, these two page have lack of notability:
https://en.m.wikiquote.org/wiki/Big_Mori
https://en.m.wikiquote.org/wiki/Canis [[User:Changerinwiki|Changerinwiki]] ([[User talk:Changerinwiki|talk]]) 08:52, 29 July 2022 (UTC)
:It looks like they're already nominated for deletion. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:05, 1 August 2022 (UTC)

== Edit warring ==

Thank you for commenting on the admin noticeboard topic about me. I'm not sure what's his problem is, trying to stalk everything I edit then reverting for some loony reason than to upstage so many years of copyright cleanup. I guess its time for formal discussions on enacting the LOQ policy. Either way, that editor is so obsessively focused on my work. I will not flinch on whatever articles need copyright cleanup, and he's the problem, not me. [[User:Eaglestorm|Eaglestorm]] ([[User talk:Eaglestorm|talk]]) 12:21, 1 August 2022 (UTC)
:Well... Regardless of who's &quot;right,&quot; I'll not say that you couldn't at least tone things down and help the discussion be more productive. [[:w:WP:AVOIDYOU]] continues to be solid advice. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:07, 1 August 2022 (UTC)

== Template:tl wasn't supposed to be deleted! ==

Hello, please can you undelete [[Template:Tl]]? [[Template:T]] is the recently created duplicate that was supposed to be deleted, the TL template is widley used and has been in use for ages. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 17:20, 1 August 2022 (UTC)

:The issue might be that [[Template:T]] was turned into a redirect in the middle of the discussion, so it redirected you to the other template when you opened it? [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 17:21, 1 August 2022 (UTC)
* You are correct. Fixed. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 17:33, 1 August 2022 (UTC)
*:Thanks! While you're at it could you also delete [[Module:Dssplit]], [[Module:Tssplit]] and [[Module:Qssplit]] which are parts of the {{tl|ds}}, {{tl|ts}} and {{tl|qs}} templates you've just deleted?
*:[[Module:Message box/m]] also had a &lt;nowiki&gt;{{db|Author request}}&lt;/nowiki&gt; added to the top of it about a month ago, but since templates don't work in lua code it never made it into [[:Category:Candidates for speedy deletion]]. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 17:36, 1 August 2022 (UTC)
*::{{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 17:46, 1 August 2022 (UTC)
*:::@[[User:GreenMeansGo|GreenMeansGo]] Hi again, please could you revert [[Joe Biden]] back to this [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Joe_Biden&amp;oldid=3138344] diff from early July, it appears that the Longquote ‎template you just deleted was added to one article. I tried to do it but was disallowed by an edit filter. Thanks, [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 20:28, 1 August 2022 (UTC)
*::::This is a god awful mess. Two score friggin VfDs because somebody wanted to experiment with templates and modules. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 20:38, 1 August 2022 (UTC)
*:::::Yes, it is a mess, and it's going to take a lot of work to clean up.
*:::::I'll help with the clean-up as best I am able, removing deleted templates and tagging left over junk for speedy deletion (the category is getting a bit full  btw), but removing 220 odd templates from an article when those templates should never have been added in the first place is too much to do manually, especially on an article that we really can't leave broken for days on end while people fix it, a rollback is the only real solution there. Luckily apart from the templates being added the only other edits were the addition of 1 quote and some vandalism that hadn't been reverted.
*:::::I just figured out what that really weird long quote template was too and why it had such a weird setup [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Wikiquote%3AVotes_for_deletion%2FTemplate%3ALongquote-line&amp;type=revision&amp;diff=3150454&amp;oldid=3149082]. After being told not to add [[Template:Blockquote]] to that article they created [[Template:Longquote]] as a secret version of the same thing that only displayed to them, that's why it had the really weird &quot;need to modify your personal CSS files to get it to work&quot; setup. It was done deliberately so other editors wouldn't notice them adding it to articles.
*:::::My next project is going to be localising and rationalising the mess of imported cleanup templates, because a lot of them are just direct copy pastes from the English Wikipedia and don't really work or make sense here. I've started a discussion about {{tl|cleanup}} at the village pump to try to get some direction on what would work best for this project. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 20:54, 1 August 2022 (UTC)
*:::::Hello again,
*:::::Could you also speedy delete [[Template:Quadruple strikethrough/styles.css]] and [[Template:Triple strikethrough/styles.css]] as part of the strikethrough templates? As they are CSS pages I can't tag them for speedy deletion. Thanks, [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 18:11, 2 August 2022 (UTC)
*::::::{{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 18:59, 2 August 2022 (UTC)

== A couple of modules that need speedy deleting ==

Hello once again,

I've come across a couple more lua modules that need deleting, but I can't tag them normally because they're not wikitext. Could you delete them please? The two pages are [[Module:Message box/m/configuration]], which is a configuration page for a deleted module that's been tagged with &lt;nowiki&gt;{{db|Author request}}&lt;/nowiki&gt;, and [[Module:Subst/sub]], which is a sandbox of the deleted module [[Module:Subst]]. Thanks, [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 11:26, 3 August 2022 (UTC)
: {{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 15:50, 3 August 2022 (UTC)

== Help ==

Do you think you could help with [[User talk:Koavf#Hello|this]]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:57, 11 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>d6dnc449y9m103f38ngb7jqo7o17agv</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Some Kind of Wonderful (film)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>183150</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153522</id>
      <parentid>3153134</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T13:24:40Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Eaglestorm</username>
        <id>16205</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="4573" xml:space="preserve">'''''[[w:Some Kind of Wonderful (film)|Some Kind of Wonderful]]''''', is a 1987 American romance film about a young man and his female best friend who grows a developing attraction for him as he sets his sights on their school's hot campus crush.
:''Directed by [[w:Howard Deutch|Howard Deutch]]. Written by John Hughes.''
{{center|'''Before they could stand together, they had to stand alone''' ([[#Taglines|taglines]])}}

==Amanda Jones==
*''[notices that Watts has feelings for Keith after she walks off]'' Remember how I said I'd rather be with someone for the wrong reasons than alone for the right ones? I'd rather be right. ''[removes earrings]'' It's gonna feel good to stand on my own. Here. ''[gives earrings to Keith]'' In your heart you wanted to give these to somebody else. Go. Go on. ''[Keith kisses a smiling Amanda on the cheeks before going]''

== Dialogue ==
:''[Keith and Watts practice kissing on the lips, but the kiss seems too deep and Watts pushes him off]''
:'''Keith''': What? What?
:'''Watts''': Lesson's over. You're cool. ''[walks off]''
:'''Keith''': ''[smiles]'' You're blushing.
:'''Watts''': Yeah, right. The day I blush--
:'''Keith''': No, no, that was very nice. You're-- You're pretty.
:'''Watts''': This is how you repay a favor, I'm not rich enough to be your friend.
:'''Keith''': No, wait. I didn't mean anything. I'm sorry. Don't be mad, okay? ''[Watts leaves]'' I'll see you tonight!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Keith is waiting for Amanda to meet him at a rock club where Watts is hanging out]''
:'''Watts''': She said she'd meet you here?
:'''Keith Nelson''': Not in those words.
:'''Watts''': In any words? Maybe she didn't have ID.
:'''Keith''': Who doesn't have ID?
:'''Watts''': Maybe she doesn't like you as much as you think.
:'''Keith''': Maybe.
:'''Watts''': Do you miss me, Keith? Do you miss not being around me?
:'''Keith''': This isn't the third grade anymore.
:'''Watts''': She doesn't love you. It's a joke. It's all a joke.
:'''Keith''': ''[stern]'' How do you know?
:'''Watts''': I'd bet my hands on it.
:'''Keith''': You don't wanna make that bet. ''[drinks]''
:'''Watts''': Yeah, I do. I've been thinking a lot lately about you and me... and I came to a conclusion that I didn't want to deal with. But now that we've talked I can't hide it anymore. We'd get along much better if we didn't spend so much time together anymore.
:'''Keith''': Why?
:'''Watts''': Because I'm driving you crazy and you're driving me crazy. And I'd rather not see you and have you think good things about me than have you see me and hate me. ''[gets more emotional]'' 'Cause I can't afford to have you hate me, Keith. The only things I care about in this goddamn life are me and my drums, and you. ''Adios.''
:'''Keith''': Wait. Watts. Watts! ''[she looks back at him and leaves]''
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Hardy Jenns has been called out over his plan to beat up Keith at his own party... especially now that Keith had brought some backup]''
:'''Hardy Jenns''': Look, I'm perfectly willing to forget this. Okay? I see no reason in carrying this on any longer. It was a joke. It's gone too far. It's over. Okay?
:'''Keith Nelson''': You want the truth? You want the plain truth? You're over. ''[turns to leave]''
:'''Amanda Jones''': Are you just gonna leave?
:'''Keith''': There isn't anything I could do to him that he hasn't already done to himself.
:'''Jones''': ''[comes up to Hardy]'' I wish I could live with that. ''[smiles at Hardy and slaps him... and slaps him again]''

== Taglines==
*Before they could stand together, they had to stand alone.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Eric Stoltz|Eric Stoltz]] - Keith Nelson
* [[w:Mary Stuart Masterson|Mary Stuart Masterson]] - Watts
* [[w:Lea Thompson|Lea Thompson]] - Amanda Jones
* [[w:Craig Sheffer|Craig Sheffer]] - Hardy Jenns
* [[w:John Ashton (actor)|John Ashton]] - Cliff Nelson
* [[w:Elias Koteas|Elias Koateas]] - Duncan
* [[w:Molly Hagan|Molly Hagan]] - Shayne
* [[w:Maddie Corman|Maddie Corman]] - Laura Nelson
* [[w:Jane Elliot|Jane Elliot]] - Carol Nelson
* [[w:Candace Cameron Bure|Candace Cameron Bure]] - Cindy Nelson
* [[w:Chynna Phillips|Chynna Phillips]] - Mia
* [[w:Scott Coffey|Scott Coffey]] - Ray
* [[w:Carmine Caridi|Carmine Caridi]] - Museum Guard
* [[w:Lee Garlington|Lee Garlington]] - Gym Instructor
* [[Pamela Anderson]] - Party Guest

== External links ==
{{wikipedia|Some_Kind_of_Wonderful (film)}}
* {{imdb title|id=0094006|title=Some_Kind_of_Wonderful (film)}}

[[Category:1987 films]]
[[Category:Romantic drama films]]
[[Category:Screenplays by John Hughes (filmmaker)]]</text>
      <sha1>19oc8m29rv3fzzlgngdbo13gy9yuk3s</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Merrick Garland</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>185932</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153686</id>
      <parentid>3056369</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T21:18:55Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2001:1716:4600:8240:CE25:1737:BE73:C052</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Remarks on the First Anniversary of the Attack on the Capitol (2022) */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="34773" xml:space="preserve">[[File:2016 March 16 Merrick Garland profile by The White House.jpg|thumb|As my parents taught me by both words and deeds, a life of public service is as much a gift to the person who serves as it is to those he is serving.]]
'''[[w:Merrick Garland|Merrick Brian Garland]]''' (born November 13, 1952) is an American attorney and jurist serving as the 86th [[w:United States Attorney General|United States attorney general]] since March 2021. He served as a [[w:United States federal judge|United States circuit judge]] of the [[w:United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit|United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit]] from 1997 to 2021.

After serving as a [[w:law clerk|law clerk]] to Judge [[w:Henry J. Friendly|Henry J. Friendly]] of the [[w:United States Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit|United States Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit]] and Justice [[William J. Brennan Jr.]] of the [[Supreme Court of the United States]], he practiced corporate litigation at [[w:Arnold &amp; Porter|Arnold &amp; Porter]] and worked as a federal prosecutor in the [[w:United States Department of Justice|United States Department of Justice]], where he played a leading role in the investigation and prosecution of the [[w:Oklahoma City bombing|Oklahoma City bombers]].

President [[Barack Obama]], a [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democrat]], [[w:Merrick Garland Supreme Court nomination|nominated]] Garland to serve as an [[w:Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States|associate justice of the Supreme Court]] in March 2016 to fill the vacancy created by the death of [[Antonin Scalia]]. However, the [[w:United States Senate Republican Conference|Republican Senate majority]] refused to hold a hearing or vote on his nomination.

==Quotes==
&lt;small&gt;''Note: All quotes have secondary sources where they were excerpted and then re-cited by subsequent sources.''&lt;/small&gt;

* This kind of scheme to nullify the Constitution of the United States is one that all Americans, whatever their politics or party, should fear. If it prevails, it may become a model for action, in other areas, by other states and with respect to other constitutional rights and judicial precedents
** &quot;[https://www.axios.com/justice-department-lawsuit-texas-abortion-ban-4f282cfc-5594-4f84-a37e-7bbc85a90c7b.html Justice Department is suing Texas over [[new abortion ban]]]&quot; (September 9,2021)

===Confirmation hearing on nomination to United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit (1995)===
[[File:1997 March 19 United States Senate comments on Merrick Garland in Congressional Record.pdf|thumb|The role of the court is to apply law to the facts of the case before it … not to legislate, not to arrogate to itself the executive power, not to hand down advisory opinion on the issues of the day.]]
*The role of the court is to apply law to the facts of the case before it … not to legislate, not to arrogate to itself the executive power, not to hand down advisory opinion on the issues of the day.
**{{cite news|author=Merrick Garland|title=Confirmation hearing on nomination of Merrick Garland to the United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit |publisher=United States Senate|date=December 1, 1995}}; quote excerpted in: 
***{{cite news|url=http://www.scotusblog.com/2010/04/the-potential-nomination-of-merrick-garland/|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=The Potential Nomination of Merrick Garland|work=[[w:SCOTUSblog|SCOTUSblog]]|author=Tom Goldstein|date=April 26, 2010}} and also excerpted quote from this source, next cited in:
****{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=The Quotable Merrick Garland: A Collection of Writings and Remarks|url=http://www.nationallawjournal.com/home/id=1202752327128/The-Quotable-Merrick-Garland-A-Collection-of-Writings-and-Remarks|author=Zoe Tillman|work=[[w:The National Law Journal|The National Law Journal]]|date=March 16, 2016|issn=0162-7325}} 

*The constitution sets all three branches out as co-equal. The obligation of the judicial branch — as far back as the decision in ''Marbury v. Madison'' — is to review the constitutionality and legality of actions by the other branches. And that is its only job, to decide cases and controversies in front of it under article three.
**{{cite news|author=Merrick Garland|title=Confirmation hearing on nomination of Merrick Garland to the United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit |publisher=United States Senate|date=December 1, 1995}}; quote excerpted in: 
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://blogs.wsj.com/law/2016/03/16/judge-merrick-garland-in-his-own-words/|title=Judge Merrick Garland, In His Own Words|author=Joe Palazzolo|date=March 16, 2016|work=The Wall Street Journal}}

*Well, of course I have great personal affection for the justice for whom I clerked, Justice Brennan. 
**{{cite news|author=Merrick Garland|title=Confirmation hearing on nomination of Merrick Garland to the United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit |publisher=United States Senate|date=December 1, 1995}}; quote excerpted in: 
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://blogs.wsj.com/law/2016/03/16/judge-merrick-garland-in-his-own-words/|title=Judge Merrick Garland, In His Own Words|author=Joe Palazzolo|date=March 16, 2016|work=The Wall Street Journal}}

*I would say the one for which — the most admiration, is the one I just mentioned, Justice John Marshall, Chief Justice John Marshall who decided ''Marbury v. Madison'' and so deciding established that the constitution is the supreme law of the land. 
**{{cite news|author=Merrick Garland|title=Confirmation hearing on nomination of Merrick Garland to the United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit |publisher=United States Senate|date=December 1, 1995}}; quote excerpted in: 
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://blogs.wsj.com/law/2016/03/16/judge-merrick-garland-in-his-own-words/|title=Judge Merrick Garland, In His Own Words|author=Joe Palazzolo|date=March 16, 2016|work=The Wall Street Journal}}

*Everybody, I think, who hopes to become a judge would aspire to be able to write as well as Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes. None are going to be able to attain that. But I’ll try at least — if confirmed to be as brief and pithy as he is.
**{{cite news|author=Merrick Garland|title=Confirmation hearing on nomination of Merrick Garland to the United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit |publisher=United States Senate|date=December 1, 1995}}; quote excerpted in: 
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://blogs.wsj.com/law/2016/03/16/judge-merrick-garland-in-his-own-words/|title=Judge Merrick Garland, In His Own Words|author=Joe Palazzolo|date=March 16, 2016|work=The Wall Street Journal}}

*The great joy of being a prosecutor is that you don’t take whatever case walks in the door. You evaluate the case, you make your best judgement, you only go forward if you believe that the defendant is guilty. You may well be wrong, but you have done your best to ensure that as far as the evidence that you are able to attain, the person is guilty. It is the kind of even-handed balancing that a judge should undertake although of course a judge has the advantage of having somebody speak for the other side. 
**{{cite news|author=Merrick Garland|title=Confirmation hearing on nomination of Merrick Garland to the United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit |publisher=United States Senate|date=December 1, 1995}}; quote excerpted in: 
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://blogs.wsj.com/law/2016/03/16/judge-merrick-garland-in-his-own-words/|title=Judge Merrick Garland, In His Own Words|author=Joe Palazzolo|date=March 16, 2016|work=The Wall Street Journal}}

*I think there is no greater job anybody can have than having been a prosecutor.
**{{cite news|author=Merrick Garland|title=Confirmation hearing on nomination of Merrick Garland to the United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit |publisher=United States Senate|date=December 1, 1995}}; quote excerpted in: 
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://blogs.wsj.com/law/2016/03/16/judge-merrick-garland-in-his-own-words/|title=Judge Merrick Garland, In His Own Words|author=Joe Palazzolo|date=March 16, 2016|work=The Wall Street Journal}}

===Court opinions and media comments===
*Because nothing has transpired in the last half-century to suggest that the national interest in public disclosure of lobbying information is any less vital than it was when the Supreme Court first considered the issue, we reject that challenge.
**{{cite news|date=2009|work=National Association of Manufacturers v. Taylor|author=Merrick Garland}}; quote then cited in:
***{{cite news|url=http://legaltimes.typepad.com/blt/2009/09/appeals-court-rejects-challenge-to-lobbying-disclosures.html|accessdate=March 18, 2016|work=The BLT|title=Appeals Court Rejects Challenge to Lobbying Disclosures|date=September 8, 2009|author=Mike Scarcella}}; and also excerpted quote from this source, next cited in:
****{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=The Quotable Merrick Garland: A Collection of Writings and Remarks|url=http://www.nationallawjournal.com/home/id=1202752327128/The-Quotable-Merrick-Garland-A-Collection-of-Writings-and-Remarks|author=Zoe Tillman|work=[[w:The National Law Journal|The National Law Journal]]|date=March 16, 2016|issn=0162-7325}} 

*If the CIA is the emperor, you're asking us to say the emperor has clothes when the emperor's bosses say that the emperor doesn't. I mean, how can you ask the court to say that at this point?
**{{cite news|date=2012|work=ACLU v. CIA|author=Merrick Garland|title=Oral arguments|publisher=United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit}}; quote then excerpted in:
***{{cite news|author=Mike Scarcella|url=http://legaltimes.typepad.com/blt/2013/03/dc-circuit-revives-public-records-suit-over-drone-documents.html|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=D.C. Circuit Revives Public Records Suit Over Drone Documents|date=March 15, 2013|work=The BLT}}; quote then cited from this source subsequently in:
****{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=The Quotable Merrick Garland: A Collection of Writings and Remarks|url=http://www.nationallawjournal.com/home/id=1202752327128/The-Quotable-Merrick-Garland-A-Collection-of-Writings-and-Remarks|author=Zoe Tillman|work=[[w:The National Law Journal|The National Law Journal]]|date=March 16, 2016|issn=0162-7325}} 

*The CIA asked the courts to stretch that doctrine too far—to give their imprimatur to a fiction of deniability that no reasonable person would regard as plausible.
**{{cite news|work=ACLU v. CIA|url=https://www.cadc.uscourts.gov/internet/opinions.nsf/6471FF102FC611A685257B2F004DEA2A/$file/11-5320-1425559.pdf|accessdate=March 18, 2016|publisher=United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit|date=March 15, 2013|title=Opinion for the Court|author=Chief Judge Merrick Garland}}; quote then excerpted in:
***{{cite news|author=Mike Scarcella|url=http://legaltimes.typepad.com/blt/2013/03/dc-circuit-revives-public-records-suit-over-drone-documents.html|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=D.C. Circuit Revives Public Records Suit Over Drone Documents|date=March 15, 2013|work=The BLT}}; quote then cited from this source subsequently in:
****{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=The Quotable Merrick Garland: A Collection of Writings and Remarks|url=http://www.nationallawjournal.com/home/id=1202752327128/The-Quotable-Merrick-Garland-A-Collection-of-Writings-and-Remarks|author=Zoe Tillman|work=[[w:The National Law Journal|The National Law Journal]]|date=March 16, 2016|issn=0162-7325}} 

*But when I asked myself, as I often do: 'What would [[w:Henry Friendly|Judge Friendly]] have done?' 
**{{cite news|url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A5U6ekOfpi4|accessdate=March 18, 2016|author=Merrick Garland|title=Presentation of the Friendly Medal to William H. Webster|date=May 24, 2013|publisher=American Law Institute}} and also excerpted quote in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=The Quotable Merrick Garland: A Collection of Writings and Remarks|url=http://www.nationallawjournal.com/home/id=1202752327128/The-Quotable-Merrick-Garland-A-Collection-of-Writings-and-Remarks|author=Zoe Tillman|work=[[w:The National Law Journal|The National Law Journal]]|date=March 16, 2016|issn=0162-7325}} 

===DC Circuit Court Judge Panel, JRCLS International Law Conference (2013)===
*They tell you in Washington, that if you want a friend get a dog. Harry Truman said that. That is not true. Get a family. This is a hard place to be. No matter how much honor you have, people will attack you one way or the other. And the principle solace that you get is from your family. Because they’re behind you no matter what happens. So never forget about that. Whatever interests you have in your career, you have to balance it with a deep relationship with your family.
**{{cite news|author=Merrick Garland|url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7U1a8pYMJDM|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=Life Lessons Learned|work=DC Circuit Court Judge Panel, JRCLS International Law Conference|date=February 15, 2013|location=Georgetown University Law Center}}; also excerpted quote in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=The Quotable Merrick Garland: A Collection of Writings and Remarks|url=http://www.nationallawjournal.com/home/id=1202752327128/The-Quotable-Merrick-Garland-A-Collection-of-Writings-and-Remarks|author=Zoe Tillman|work=[[w:The National Law Journal|The National Law Journal]]|date=March 16, 2016|issn=0162-7325}}

*The hard things are when you have to make your friends disappointed because you think you’re required, for example, by the law to do something that maybe is different than what you would do as a matter of public policy.
**{{cite news|author=Merrick Garland|url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7U1a8pYMJDM|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=Life Lessons Learned|work=DC Circuit Court Judge Panel, JRCLS International Law Conference|date=February 15, 2013|location=Georgetown University Law Center}}; also excerpted quote in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=The Quotable Merrick Garland: A Collection of Writings and Remarks|url=http://www.nationallawjournal.com/home/id=1202752327128/The-Quotable-Merrick-Garland-A-Collection-of-Writings-and-Remarks|author=Zoe Tillman|work=[[w:The National Law Journal|The National Law Journal]]|date=March 16, 2016|issn=0162-7325}}

*For myself the balance came from always driving my children to school. So that every day we had that first half-hour, 45 minutes of nothing but uninterrupted time. Sometimes it was just a bunch of sarcasm. Sometimes it was just listening to the radio. But sometimes it was real explanation of what the kids were thinking what they were worried about.
**{{cite news|author=Merrick Garland|url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7U1a8pYMJDM|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=Life Lessons Learned|work=DC Circuit Court Judge Panel, JRCLS International Law Conference|date=February 15, 2013|location=Georgetown University Law Center}}; also excerpted quote in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=The Quotable Merrick Garland: A Collection of Writings and Remarks|url=http://www.nationallawjournal.com/home/id=1202752327128/The-Quotable-Merrick-Garland-A-Collection-of-Writings-and-Remarks|author=Zoe Tillman|work=[[w:The National Law Journal|The National Law Journal]]|date=March 16, 2016|issn=0162-7325}}

*The most important thing that a clerk can do for a judge, I tell my clerks, is to prevent me from jumping off the cliff if I don’t want to. That is, sometimes I don’t realize there’s a cliff there at all, that the implications of what I’m doing are really totally wrong, and that sometimes it takes another person or two other people to warn me that you’re just not reading this case correctly, or you’re just not understanding the implications of what a decision in this way would be.”
**{{cite news|author=Merrick Garland|url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7U1a8pYMJDM|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=Life Lessons Learned|work=DC Circuit Court Judge Panel, JRCLS International Law Conference|date=February 15, 2013|location=Georgetown University Law Center}}; also excerpted quote in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=The Quotable Merrick Garland: A Collection of Writings and Remarks|url=http://www.nationallawjournal.com/home/id=1202752327128/The-Quotable-Merrick-Garland-A-Collection-of-Writings-and-Remarks|author=Zoe Tillman|work=[[w:The National Law Journal|The National Law Journal]]|date=March 16, 2016|issn=0162-7325}}

===Remarks by Judge Garland upon nomination to Supreme Court of the United States (2016)===
[[File:The President Announces Chief Judge Merrick Garland as His Supreme Court Nominee.webm|thumb|Trust that justice will be done in our courts without prejudice or partisanship is what, in a large part, distinguishes this country from others.]]

*As my parents taught me by both words and deeds, a life of public service is as much a gift to the person who serves as it is to those he is serving. And for me, there could be no higher public service than serving as a member of the United States Supreme Court.
**{{cite news|title=Remarks by the President Announcing Judge Merrick Garland as his Nominee to the Supreme Court|first=Merrick|last=Garland|authorlink=w:Merrick Garland|work=The White House|date=March 16, 2016|url=https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Remarks_by_the_President_Announcing_Judge_Merrick_Garland_as_his_Nominee_to_the_Supreme_Court#Remarks_by_Judge_Garland}}; quote then excerpted in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://chicagotonight.wttw.com/2016/03/16/obama-taps-chicago-native-merrick-garland-supreme-court|title=Obama Taps Chicago Native Merrick Garland for Supreme Court|author=Paris Schutz|date=March 16, 2016|work=WTTW}}; and also quote excerpted in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://www.upi.com/Top_News/US/2016/03/16/President-Obama-to-reveal-Supreme-Court-nominee/7221458128542/|work=United Press International|title=Merrick Garland: Supreme Court nomination 'greatest honor of my life'|date=March 16, 2016|author=Andrew V. Pestano}}; and quote again also excerpted in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://www.npr.org/2016/03/16/470684460/will-garlands-nomination-prompt-senate-to-act|work=Morning Edition|publisher=National Public Radio|date=March 16, 2016|author=Renee Montagne|title=Judge Garland Has Ability To 'Assemble Unlikely Coalitions,' Obama Says}}

*Trust that justice will be done in our courts without prejudice or partisanship is what, in a large part, distinguishes this country from others. 
**{{cite news|title=Remarks by the President Announcing Judge Merrick Garland as his Nominee to the Supreme Court|first=Merrick|last=Garland|authorlink=w:Merrick Garland|work=The White House|date=March 16, 2016|url=https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Remarks_by_the_President_Announcing_Judge_Merrick_Garland_as_his_Nominee_to_the_Supreme_Court#Remarks_by_Judge_Garland}}; quote then excerpted in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://www.thestandard.com.hk/section-news.php?id=167418|title=Obama warns foes on top court pick|date=March 18, 2016|work=[[w:The Standard (Hong Kong)|The Standard]]}}

*People must be confident that a judge’s decisions are determined by the law, and only the law. 
**{{cite news|title=Remarks by the President Announcing Judge Merrick Garland as his Nominee to the Supreme Court|first=Merrick|last=Garland|authorlink=w:Merrick Garland|work=The White House|date=March 16, 2016|url=https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Remarks_by_the_President_Announcing_Judge_Merrick_Garland_as_his_Nominee_to_the_Supreme_Court#Remarks_by_Judge_Garland}}; quote then excerpted in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|work=ABC News|url=http://abcnews.go.com/News/merrick-garland-supreme-court-nomination-greatest-honor-life/story?id=37692486|title=Merrick Garland: Supreme Court Nomination 'Greatest Honor of My Life'|date=March 16, 2016|author=Margaret Chadbourn}}; and quote also excerpted in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|work=The Guardian|url=http://www.theguardian.com/law/2016/mar/17/black-judge-effect-race-bias-overturning-court-cases|title='Black judge effect': study of overturning rates questions if justice is really blind|author=Rose Hackman}}

*For a judge to be worthy of such trust, he or she must be faithful to the Constitution and to the statutes passed by the Congress. He or she must put aside his personal views or preferences, and follow the law -- not make it.
**{{cite news|title=Remarks by the President Announcing Judge Merrick Garland as his Nominee to the Supreme Court|first=Merrick|last=Garland|authorlink=w:Merrick Garland|work=The White House|date=March 16, 2016|url=https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Remarks_by_the_President_Announcing_Judge_Merrick_Garland_as_his_Nominee_to_the_Supreme_Court#Remarks_by_Judge_Garland}}; quote then excerpted in:
***{{cite news|url=http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2016/03/16/obama-supreme-court-nomination/81824982/|work=USA Today|accessdate=March 18, 2016|date=March 17, 2016|title=Obama: Merrick Garland qualified to serve on Supreme Court immediately|author=Gregory Korte}}; and quote also excerpted in source:
***{{cite news|url=http://edition.cnn.com/2016/03/16/politics/who-is-merrick-garland/index.html?eref=rss_politics|work=CNN|date=March 16, 2016|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=Who is Merrick Garland?|author=Ariane De Vogue and Tami Luhby}}

*Fidelity to the Constitution and the law has been the cornerstone of my professional life, and it’s the hallmark of the kind of judge I have tried to be for the past 18 years. If the Senate sees fit to confirm me to the position for which I have been nominated today, I promise to continue on that course.
**{{cite news|title=Remarks by the President Announcing Judge Merrick Garland as his Nominee to the Supreme Court|first=Merrick|last=Garland|authorlink=w:Merrick Garland|work=The White House|date=March 16, 2016|url=https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Remarks_by_the_President_Announcing_Judge_Merrick_Garland_as_his_Nominee_to_the_Supreme_Court#Remarks_by_Judge_Garland}}; quote then excerpted in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://variety.com/2016/biz/news/obama-merrick-garland-supreme-court-1201731565/|work=Variety|title=President Obama Nominates Judge Merrick Garland for Supreme Court|author=Ted Johnson|date=March 16, 2016}}; and also excerpted in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|work=The Texas Tribune|url=http://www.texastribune.org/2016/03/16/president-nominates-merrick-garland-supreme-court/|date=March 16, 2016|title=In Texas, Obama's Nominee May Draw Attention for EPA Rulings|author=Jordan Rudner}}; and quote also excerpted in source:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://time.com/4261007/merrick-garland-supreme-court-barack-obama/|work=Time|title=President Obama Nominates Merrick Garland for Supreme Court|date=March 16, 2016|author=Katie Reilly and Maya Rhodan}}

*This is the greatest honor of my life, other than Lynn agreeing to marry me 28 years ago. It's also the greatest gift I have ever received except, and there's another caveat, the birth of our daughters.
**{{cite news|title=Remarks by the President Announcing Judge Merrick Garland as his Nominee to the Supreme Court|first=Merrick|last=Garland|authorlink=w:Merrick Garland|work=The White House|date=March 16, 2016|url=https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Remarks_by_the_President_Announcing_Judge_Merrick_Garland_as_his_Nominee_to_the_Supreme_Court#Remarks_by_Judge_Garland}}; quote then excerpted in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/wireStory/key-quotes-obamas-nomination-merrick-garland-37695552|work=ABC News|title=Quotes on Obama's Nomination of Merrick Garland|author=Associated Press|date=March 16, 2016}}
=== Remarks on the First Anniversary of the Attack on the Capitol (2022) ===
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.justice.gov/opa/speech/attorney-general-merrick-b-garland-delivers-remarks-first-anniversary-attack-capitol Remarks on the First Anniversary of the Attack on the Capitol (5 January 2022)] · [https://www.c-span.org/video/?517045-1/attorney-general-garland-pledges-hold-january-6-attack-perpetrators-accountable C-SPAN video]&lt;/small&gt;

* As we begin a new year — and as we prepare to mark a solemn anniversary tomorrow – it is a fitting time to reaffirm that we at the Department of Justice will do everything in our power to defend the American people and American democracy. &lt;br /&gt; We will defend our democratic institutions from attack. &lt;br /&gt; We will protect those who serve the public from violence and threats of violence. &lt;br /&gt; We will protect the cornerstone of our democracy: the right to every eligible citizen to cast a vote that counts. &lt;br /&gt; And we will do all of this in a manner that adheres to the rule of law and honors our obligation to protect the civil rights and civil liberties of everyone in this country. 

* The Justice Department remains committed to holding all [[2021 United States Capitol attack|January 6th perpetrators]], at any level, [[accountable]] under [[law]] — whether they were present that day or were otherwise [[criminally]] [[responsible]] for the assault on our [[democracy]]. We will follow the [[facts]] wherever they lead. &lt;br /&gt; Because January 6th was an unprecedented attack on the seat of our democracy, we [[understand]] that there is broad public interest in our investigation. We understand that there are questions about how long the investigation will take, and about what exactly we are doing. &lt;br /&gt; Our answer is, and will continue to be, the same answer we would give with respect to any ongoing investigation: as long as it takes and whatever it takes for [[justice]] to be done — consistent with the facts and the law.

=== On the search of Donald J. Trump's mansion (2022) ===
* Faithful adherence to the rule of law is the bedrock principle of the Justice Department and of our democracy. Upholding the rule of law means applying the law evenly, without fear or favor.
:&lt;small&gt;Merrick Garland's press conference where he announced the Department of Justice's request to unseal the search warrant, as well as the receipt of the objects seized in Trump's mansion, August 11, 2022&lt;ref&gt;{{Cite web|url=https://edition.cnn.com/2022/08/11/politics/garland-trump-mar-a-lago-search-bluff/index.html|title=Merrick Garland just called Donald Trump's bluff|last=Cillizza|first=Chris|publisher=CNN}}&lt;/ref&gt;&lt;/small&gt;

{{clear}}

==Quotes about Garland==
[[File:Chuck Grassley official photo.jpg|thumb|upright|Mr. Garland seems to be well qualified and would probably make a good judge -- in some other court. &amp;mdash; [[Chuck Grassley]]]]

*Merrick is a very very smart and experienced attorney, but has a demeanor that is very soft spoken and considerate.
**[[w:Michael Chertoff|Michael Chertoff]], [[w:United States Secretary of Homeland Security|United States Secretary of Homeland Security]] for [[George W. Bush]] &amp;mdash; interviewed in: {{cite news|url=http://www.wbur.org/2016/03/16/michael-chertoff-garland|accessdate=March 18, 2016|date=March 16, 2016|work=WBUR News|title=Michael Chertoff On His Friend And Colleague, Supreme Court Nominee Merrick Garland|author=Lisa Mullins and Lynn Jolioceur|archiveurl=https://web.archive.org/web/20160318002034/http://www.wbur.org/2016/03/16/michael-chertoff-garland|archivedate=March 18, 2016}}

*I consider [Garland] a moderate and thoughtful and excellent judge.
**[[w:Miguel Estrada|Miguel Estrada]], nominated by [[George W. Bush]] to [[w:United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit|United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit]] &amp;mdash; interviewed in: {{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://www.politico.com/story/2016/03/merrick-garland-supreme-court-opinions-220902|work=Politico|title=Garland’s lack of standout opinions a boon in confirmation fight|author=Josh Gerstein|archivedate=March 18, 2016|archiveurl=https://web.archive.org/web/20160318002515/http://www.politico.com/story/2016/03/merrick-garland-supreme-court-opinions-220902|date=March 16, 2016}}

*Judge Garland has a reputation for integrity.
**[[Alberto Gonzales]], former [[w:United States Attorney General|United States Attorney General]] for [[George W. Bush]] &amp;mdash; {{cite news|url=http://www.usatoday.com/story/opinion/2016/03/16/obama-supreme-court-nominee-merrick-garland-senate-republicans-fight-column/81828300/|accessdate=March 18, 2016|date=March 16, 2016|author=[[Alberto Gonzales]]|title=Alberto Gonzales: Give Judge Garland a vote|work=USA Today}}

*Mr. Garland seems to be well qualified and would probably make a good judge -- in some other court.
**[[Chuck Grassley]], [[w:Republican Party (United States)|Republican]] United States Senator from Iowa &amp;mdash; quoted in: {{cite news|url=https://www.congress.gov/crec/1997/03/19/CREC-1997-03-19-senate.pdf|work=Congressional Record|accessdate=March 18, 2016|date=March 19, 1997|volume=143|issue=36|page=S2491|publisher=United States Senate|title=Proceedings and Debates of the 105th Congress, First Session; Washington, Wednesday, March 19, 1997}}

*I know him personally, I know of his integrity, I know of his legal ability, I know of his honesty, I know of his acumen, and he belongs on the court.
**[[Orrin Hatch]], [[w:Republican Party (United States)|Republican]] United States Senator from Utah &amp;mdash; quoted in: {{cite news|url=https://www.congress.gov/crec/1997/03/19/CREC-1997-03-19-senate.pdf|work=Congressional Record|accessdate=March 18, 2016|date=March 19, 1997|volume=143|issue=36|page=S2491|publisher=United States Senate|title=Proceedings and Debates of the 105th Congress, First Session; Washington, Wednesday, March 19, 1997}}

* [[President Obama]] and his allies may now try to pretend this disagreement is about a person.  The decision the [[Senate]] announced weeks ago remains about a principle, not a person.
** [[Mitch McConnell  ]] &quot;[https://www.politico.com/news/2021/02/23/mcconnell-merrick-garland-attorney-general-471177 McConnell to support Garland for attorney general]&quot; (February 23, 2021)

*Any time Judge Garland disagrees, you know you’re in a difficult area.
**[[John Roberts]], [[w:Chief Justice of the United States Supreme Court|Chief Justice of the United States Supreme Court]], statement at his 2005 nomination hearings &amp;mdash; cited in: {{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://www.politico.com/story/2016/03/merrick-garland-supreme-court-opinions-220902|work=Politico|title=Garland’s lack of standout opinions a boon in confirmation fight|author=Josh Gerstein|archivedate=March 18, 2016|archiveurl=https://web.archive.org/web/20160318002515/http://www.politico.com/story/2016/03/merrick-garland-supreme-court-opinions-220902|date=March 16, 2016}} and cited in {{cite news|url=http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/09/14/AR2005091401451.html|work=The Washington Post|title=Transcript: Day Three of the Roberts Confirmation Hearings|date=September 14, 2005|accessdate=March 18, 2016}}

*By all accounts, he is a fine person and an able lawyer. He does have a very good job with the U.S. Department of Justice.
**[[Jeff Sessions]], [[w:Republican Party (United States)|Republican]] United States Senator from Alabama &amp;mdash; quoted in: {{cite news|url=https://www.congress.gov/crec/1997/03/19/CREC-1997-03-19-senate.pdf|work=Congressional Record|accessdate=March 18, 2016|date=March 19, 1997|volume=143|issue=36|page=S2491|publisher=United States Senate|title=Proceedings and Debates of the 105th Congress, First Session; Washington, Wednesday, March 19, 1997}}
*Chief Judge Garland is a brilliant jurist who believes in and upholds the rule of law undergirding our constitutional republic.
**[[w:Ken Starr|Ken Starr]], former [[w:United States Solicitor General|United States Solicitor General]] for [[George H.W. Bush]] &amp;mdash; {{cite news|url=http://www.baylor.edu/mediacommunications/news.php?action=story&amp;story=166915|accessdate=March 18, 2016|date=March 16, 2016|author=Ken Starr|authorlink=w:Ken Starr|title=Judge Starr Personal Statement on Nomination of Judge Merrick Garland to the U.S. Supreme Court|work=Baylor University Media Communications|publisher=Baylor University}}

*I have no doubt that Mr. Garland is a man of character and integrity.
**[[w:Strom Thurmond|Strom Thurmond]], [[w:Republican Party (United States)|Republican]] United States Senator from South Carolina &amp;mdash; quoted in: {{cite news|url=https://www.congress.gov/crec/1997/03/19/CREC-1997-03-19-senate.pdf|work=Congressional Record|accessdate=March 18, 2016|date=March 19, 1997|volume=143|issue=36|page=S2491|publisher=United States Senate|title=Proceedings and Debates of the 105th Congress, First Session; Washington, Wednesday, March 19, 1997}}

* MADDOW: Do you have confidence in the Attorney General Garland`s judgment, and to his commitments, to finding a way to meeting the challenge this lawsuit
* TRIBE: Very much. I`ve known him for years. He was my student. I know a lot of people would like him to move more quickly. I get impatient myself sometimes, and I haven`t been easy on him.
** American legal scholar [[Lawrence Tribe]] in an MSNBC interview with [[Rachel Maddow]] in connection with [[Texas anti-abortion law]]
*I have very high regard for his intellect and his decency.
**[[w:Edward Whelan (American lawyer)|Ed Whelan]], former law clerk to United States Supreme Court Associate Justice [[Antonin Scalia]] &amp;mdash; {{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://www.nationalreview.com/bench-memos/432870/merrick-garland|work=National Review|title=On Merrick Garland|author=Ed Whelan|authorlink=w:Edward Whelan (American lawyer)|date=March 16, 2016}}

==See also==
*[[Anthony Kennedy]]
*[[District of Columbia]]
*[[Judges]]
*[[Judiciary]]
*[[Supreme Court of the United States]]
*[[United States Senate]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Merrick Garland}}
{{commons|Merrick Garland}}
{{wikisource|Author:Merrick Brian Garland}}
*[http://www.c-span.org/person/?merrickbgarland Appearances] on [[w:C-SPAN|C-SPAN]]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Garland, Merrick}}
[[Category:1952 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Judges from the United States]]
[[Category:American Jews]]
[[Category:United States Attorneys General]]
[[Category:Lawyers from the United States]]
[[Category:Harvard University alumni]]
[[Category:People from Chicago]]</text>
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      <text bytes="38707" xml:space="preserve">[[File:2016 March 16 Merrick Garland profile by The White House.jpg|thumb|As my parents taught me by both words and deeds, a life of public service is as much a gift to the person who serves as it is to those he is serving.]]
'''[[w:Merrick Garland|Merrick Brian Garland]]''' (born November 13, 1952) is an American attorney and jurist serving as the 86th [[w:United States Attorney General|United States attorney general]] since March 2021. He served as a [[w:United States federal judge|United States circuit judge]] of the [[w:United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit|United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit]] from 1997 to 2021.

After serving as a [[w:law clerk|law clerk]] to Judge [[w:Henry J. Friendly|Henry J. Friendly]] of the [[w:United States Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit|United States Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit]] and Justice [[William J. Brennan Jr.]] of the [[Supreme Court of the United States]], he practiced corporate litigation at [[w:Arnold &amp; Porter|Arnold &amp; Porter]] and worked as a federal prosecutor in the [[w:United States Department of Justice|United States Department of Justice]], where he played a leading role in the investigation and prosecution of the [[w:Oklahoma City bombing|Oklahoma City bombers]].

President [[Barack Obama]], a [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democrat]], [[w:Merrick Garland Supreme Court nomination|nominated]] Garland to serve as an [[w:Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States|associate justice of the Supreme Court]] in March 2016 to fill the vacancy created by the death of [[Antonin Scalia]]. However, the [[w:United States Senate Republican Conference|Republican Senate majority]] refused to hold a hearing or vote on his nomination.

==Quotes==
&lt;small&gt;''Note: All quotes have secondary sources where they were excerpted and then re-cited by subsequent sources.''&lt;/small&gt;

* This kind of scheme to nullify the Constitution of the United States is one that all Americans, whatever their politics or party, should fear. If it prevails, it may become a model for action, in other areas, by other states and with respect to other constitutional rights and judicial precedents
** &quot;[https://www.axios.com/justice-department-lawsuit-texas-abortion-ban-4f282cfc-5594-4f84-a37e-7bbc85a90c7b.html Justice Department is suing Texas over [[new abortion ban]]]&quot; (September 9,2021)

===Confirmation hearing on nomination to United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit (1995)===
[[File:1997 March 19 United States Senate comments on Merrick Garland in Congressional Record.pdf|thumb|The role of the court is to apply law to the facts of the case before it … not to legislate, not to arrogate to itself the executive power, not to hand down advisory opinion on the issues of the day.]]
*The role of the court is to apply law to the facts of the case before it … not to legislate, not to arrogate to itself the executive power, not to hand down advisory opinion on the issues of the day.
**{{cite news|author=Merrick Garland|title=Confirmation hearing on nomination of Merrick Garland to the United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit |publisher=United States Senate|date=December 1, 1995}}; quote excerpted in: 
***{{cite news|url=http://www.scotusblog.com/2010/04/the-potential-nomination-of-merrick-garland/|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=The Potential Nomination of Merrick Garland|work=[[w:SCOTUSblog|SCOTUSblog]]|author=Tom Goldstein|date=April 26, 2010}} and also excerpted quote from this source, next cited in:
****{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=The Quotable Merrick Garland: A Collection of Writings and Remarks|url=http://www.nationallawjournal.com/home/id=1202752327128/The-Quotable-Merrick-Garland-A-Collection-of-Writings-and-Remarks|author=Zoe Tillman|work=[[w:The National Law Journal|The National Law Journal]]|date=March 16, 2016|issn=0162-7325}} 

*The constitution sets all three branches out as co-equal. The obligation of the judicial branch — as far back as the decision in ''Marbury v. Madison'' — is to review the constitutionality and legality of actions by the other branches. And that is its only job, to decide cases and controversies in front of it under article three.
**{{cite news|author=Merrick Garland|title=Confirmation hearing on nomination of Merrick Garland to the United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit |publisher=United States Senate|date=December 1, 1995}}; quote excerpted in: 
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://blogs.wsj.com/law/2016/03/16/judge-merrick-garland-in-his-own-words/|title=Judge Merrick Garland, In His Own Words|author=Joe Palazzolo|date=March 16, 2016|work=The Wall Street Journal}}

*Well, of course I have great personal affection for the justice for whom I clerked, Justice Brennan. 
**{{cite news|author=Merrick Garland|title=Confirmation hearing on nomination of Merrick Garland to the United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit |publisher=United States Senate|date=December 1, 1995}}; quote excerpted in: 
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://blogs.wsj.com/law/2016/03/16/judge-merrick-garland-in-his-own-words/|title=Judge Merrick Garland, In His Own Words|author=Joe Palazzolo|date=March 16, 2016|work=The Wall Street Journal}}

*I would say the one for which — the most admiration, is the one I just mentioned, Justice John Marshall, Chief Justice John Marshall who decided ''Marbury v. Madison'' and so deciding established that the constitution is the supreme law of the land. 
**{{cite news|author=Merrick Garland|title=Confirmation hearing on nomination of Merrick Garland to the United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit |publisher=United States Senate|date=December 1, 1995}}; quote excerpted in: 
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://blogs.wsj.com/law/2016/03/16/judge-merrick-garland-in-his-own-words/|title=Judge Merrick Garland, In His Own Words|author=Joe Palazzolo|date=March 16, 2016|work=The Wall Street Journal}}

*Everybody, I think, who hopes to become a judge would aspire to be able to write as well as Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes. None are going to be able to attain that. But I’ll try at least — if confirmed to be as brief and pithy as he is.
**{{cite news|author=Merrick Garland|title=Confirmation hearing on nomination of Merrick Garland to the United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit |publisher=United States Senate|date=December 1, 1995}}; quote excerpted in: 
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://blogs.wsj.com/law/2016/03/16/judge-merrick-garland-in-his-own-words/|title=Judge Merrick Garland, In His Own Words|author=Joe Palazzolo|date=March 16, 2016|work=The Wall Street Journal}}

*The great joy of being a prosecutor is that you don’t take whatever case walks in the door. You evaluate the case, you make your best judgement, you only go forward if you believe that the defendant is guilty. You may well be wrong, but you have done your best to ensure that as far as the evidence that you are able to attain, the person is guilty. It is the kind of even-handed balancing that a judge should undertake although of course a judge has the advantage of having somebody speak for the other side. 
**{{cite news|author=Merrick Garland|title=Confirmation hearing on nomination of Merrick Garland to the United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit |publisher=United States Senate|date=December 1, 1995}}; quote excerpted in: 
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://blogs.wsj.com/law/2016/03/16/judge-merrick-garland-in-his-own-words/|title=Judge Merrick Garland, In His Own Words|author=Joe Palazzolo|date=March 16, 2016|work=The Wall Street Journal}}

*I think there is no greater job anybody can have than having been a prosecutor.
**{{cite news|author=Merrick Garland|title=Confirmation hearing on nomination of Merrick Garland to the United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit |publisher=United States Senate|date=December 1, 1995}}; quote excerpted in: 
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://blogs.wsj.com/law/2016/03/16/judge-merrick-garland-in-his-own-words/|title=Judge Merrick Garland, In His Own Words|author=Joe Palazzolo|date=March 16, 2016|work=The Wall Street Journal}}

===Court opinions and media comments===
*Because nothing has transpired in the last half-century to suggest that the national interest in public disclosure of lobbying information is any less vital than it was when the Supreme Court first considered the issue, we reject that challenge.
**{{cite news|date=2009|work=National Association of Manufacturers v. Taylor|author=Merrick Garland}}; quote then cited in:
***{{cite news|url=http://legaltimes.typepad.com/blt/2009/09/appeals-court-rejects-challenge-to-lobbying-disclosures.html|accessdate=March 18, 2016|work=The BLT|title=Appeals Court Rejects Challenge to Lobbying Disclosures|date=September 8, 2009|author=Mike Scarcella}}; and also excerpted quote from this source, next cited in:
****{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=The Quotable Merrick Garland: A Collection of Writings and Remarks|url=http://www.nationallawjournal.com/home/id=1202752327128/The-Quotable-Merrick-Garland-A-Collection-of-Writings-and-Remarks|author=Zoe Tillman|work=[[w:The National Law Journal|The National Law Journal]]|date=March 16, 2016|issn=0162-7325}} 

*If the CIA is the emperor, you're asking us to say the emperor has clothes when the emperor's bosses say that the emperor doesn't. I mean, how can you ask the court to say that at this point?
**{{cite news|date=2012|work=ACLU v. CIA|author=Merrick Garland|title=Oral arguments|publisher=United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit}}; quote then excerpted in:
***{{cite news|author=Mike Scarcella|url=http://legaltimes.typepad.com/blt/2013/03/dc-circuit-revives-public-records-suit-over-drone-documents.html|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=D.C. Circuit Revives Public Records Suit Over Drone Documents|date=March 15, 2013|work=The BLT}}; quote then cited from this source subsequently in:
****{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=The Quotable Merrick Garland: A Collection of Writings and Remarks|url=http://www.nationallawjournal.com/home/id=1202752327128/The-Quotable-Merrick-Garland-A-Collection-of-Writings-and-Remarks|author=Zoe Tillman|work=[[w:The National Law Journal|The National Law Journal]]|date=March 16, 2016|issn=0162-7325}} 

*The CIA asked the courts to stretch that doctrine too far—to give their imprimatur to a fiction of deniability that no reasonable person would regard as plausible.
**{{cite news|work=ACLU v. CIA|url=https://www.cadc.uscourts.gov/internet/opinions.nsf/6471FF102FC611A685257B2F004DEA2A/$file/11-5320-1425559.pdf|accessdate=March 18, 2016|publisher=United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit|date=March 15, 2013|title=Opinion for the Court|author=Chief Judge Merrick Garland}}; quote then excerpted in:
***{{cite news|author=Mike Scarcella|url=http://legaltimes.typepad.com/blt/2013/03/dc-circuit-revives-public-records-suit-over-drone-documents.html|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=D.C. Circuit Revives Public Records Suit Over Drone Documents|date=March 15, 2013|work=The BLT}}; quote then cited from this source subsequently in:
****{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=The Quotable Merrick Garland: A Collection of Writings and Remarks|url=http://www.nationallawjournal.com/home/id=1202752327128/The-Quotable-Merrick-Garland-A-Collection-of-Writings-and-Remarks|author=Zoe Tillman|work=[[w:The National Law Journal|The National Law Journal]]|date=March 16, 2016|issn=0162-7325}} 

*But when I asked myself, as I often do: 'What would [[w:Henry Friendly|Judge Friendly]] have done?' 
**{{cite news|url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A5U6ekOfpi4|accessdate=March 18, 2016|author=Merrick Garland|title=Presentation of the Friendly Medal to William H. Webster|date=May 24, 2013|publisher=American Law Institute}} and also excerpted quote in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=The Quotable Merrick Garland: A Collection of Writings and Remarks|url=http://www.nationallawjournal.com/home/id=1202752327128/The-Quotable-Merrick-Garland-A-Collection-of-Writings-and-Remarks|author=Zoe Tillman|work=[[w:The National Law Journal|The National Law Journal]]|date=March 16, 2016|issn=0162-7325}} 

===DC Circuit Court Judge Panel, JRCLS International Law Conference (2013)===
*They tell you in Washington, that if you want a friend get a dog. Harry Truman said that. That is not true. Get a family. This is a hard place to be. No matter how much honor you have, people will attack you one way or the other. And the principle solace that you get is from your family. Because they’re behind you no matter what happens. So never forget about that. Whatever interests you have in your career, you have to balance it with a deep relationship with your family.
**{{cite news|author=Merrick Garland|url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7U1a8pYMJDM|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=Life Lessons Learned|work=DC Circuit Court Judge Panel, JRCLS International Law Conference|date=February 15, 2013|location=Georgetown University Law Center}}; also excerpted quote in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=The Quotable Merrick Garland: A Collection of Writings and Remarks|url=http://www.nationallawjournal.com/home/id=1202752327128/The-Quotable-Merrick-Garland-A-Collection-of-Writings-and-Remarks|author=Zoe Tillman|work=[[w:The National Law Journal|The National Law Journal]]|date=March 16, 2016|issn=0162-7325}}

*The hard things are when you have to make your friends disappointed because you think you’re required, for example, by the law to do something that maybe is different than what you would do as a matter of public policy.
**{{cite news|author=Merrick Garland|url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7U1a8pYMJDM|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=Life Lessons Learned|work=DC Circuit Court Judge Panel, JRCLS International Law Conference|date=February 15, 2013|location=Georgetown University Law Center}}; also excerpted quote in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=The Quotable Merrick Garland: A Collection of Writings and Remarks|url=http://www.nationallawjournal.com/home/id=1202752327128/The-Quotable-Merrick-Garland-A-Collection-of-Writings-and-Remarks|author=Zoe Tillman|work=[[w:The National Law Journal|The National Law Journal]]|date=March 16, 2016|issn=0162-7325}}

*For myself the balance came from always driving my children to school. So that every day we had that first half-hour, 45 minutes of nothing but uninterrupted time. Sometimes it was just a bunch of sarcasm. Sometimes it was just listening to the radio. But sometimes it was real explanation of what the kids were thinking what they were worried about.
**{{cite news|author=Merrick Garland|url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7U1a8pYMJDM|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=Life Lessons Learned|work=DC Circuit Court Judge Panel, JRCLS International Law Conference|date=February 15, 2013|location=Georgetown University Law Center}}; also excerpted quote in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=The Quotable Merrick Garland: A Collection of Writings and Remarks|url=http://www.nationallawjournal.com/home/id=1202752327128/The-Quotable-Merrick-Garland-A-Collection-of-Writings-and-Remarks|author=Zoe Tillman|work=[[w:The National Law Journal|The National Law Journal]]|date=March 16, 2016|issn=0162-7325}}

*The most important thing that a clerk can do for a judge, I tell my clerks, is to prevent me from jumping off the cliff if I don’t want to. That is, sometimes I don’t realize there’s a cliff there at all, that the implications of what I’m doing are really totally wrong, and that sometimes it takes another person or two other people to warn me that you’re just not reading this case correctly, or you’re just not understanding the implications of what a decision in this way would be.”
**{{cite news|author=Merrick Garland|url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7U1a8pYMJDM|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=Life Lessons Learned|work=DC Circuit Court Judge Panel, JRCLS International Law Conference|date=February 15, 2013|location=Georgetown University Law Center}}; also excerpted quote in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=The Quotable Merrick Garland: A Collection of Writings and Remarks|url=http://www.nationallawjournal.com/home/id=1202752327128/The-Quotable-Merrick-Garland-A-Collection-of-Writings-and-Remarks|author=Zoe Tillman|work=[[w:The National Law Journal|The National Law Journal]]|date=March 16, 2016|issn=0162-7325}}

===Remarks by Judge Garland upon nomination to Supreme Court of the United States (2016)===
[[File:The President Announces Chief Judge Merrick Garland as His Supreme Court Nominee.webm|thumb|Trust that justice will be done in our courts without prejudice or partisanship is what, in a large part, distinguishes this country from others.]]

*As my parents taught me by both words and deeds, a life of public service is as much a gift to the person who serves as it is to those he is serving. And for me, there could be no higher public service than serving as a member of the United States Supreme Court.
**{{cite news|title=Remarks by the President Announcing Judge Merrick Garland as his Nominee to the Supreme Court|first=Merrick|last=Garland|authorlink=w:Merrick Garland|work=The White House|date=March 16, 2016|url=https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Remarks_by_the_President_Announcing_Judge_Merrick_Garland_as_his_Nominee_to_the_Supreme_Court#Remarks_by_Judge_Garland}}; quote then excerpted in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://chicagotonight.wttw.com/2016/03/16/obama-taps-chicago-native-merrick-garland-supreme-court|title=Obama Taps Chicago Native Merrick Garland for Supreme Court|author=Paris Schutz|date=March 16, 2016|work=WTTW}}; and also quote excerpted in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://www.upi.com/Top_News/US/2016/03/16/President-Obama-to-reveal-Supreme-Court-nominee/7221458128542/|work=United Press International|title=Merrick Garland: Supreme Court nomination 'greatest honor of my life'|date=March 16, 2016|author=Andrew V. Pestano}}; and quote again also excerpted in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://www.npr.org/2016/03/16/470684460/will-garlands-nomination-prompt-senate-to-act|work=Morning Edition|publisher=National Public Radio|date=March 16, 2016|author=Renee Montagne|title=Judge Garland Has Ability To 'Assemble Unlikely Coalitions,' Obama Says}}

*Trust that justice will be done in our courts without prejudice or partisanship is what, in a large part, distinguishes this country from others. 
**{{cite news|title=Remarks by the President Announcing Judge Merrick Garland as his Nominee to the Supreme Court|first=Merrick|last=Garland|authorlink=w:Merrick Garland|work=The White House|date=March 16, 2016|url=https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Remarks_by_the_President_Announcing_Judge_Merrick_Garland_as_his_Nominee_to_the_Supreme_Court#Remarks_by_Judge_Garland}}; quote then excerpted in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://www.thestandard.com.hk/section-news.php?id=167418|title=Obama warns foes on top court pick|date=March 18, 2016|work=[[w:The Standard (Hong Kong)|The Standard]]}}

*People must be confident that a judge’s decisions are determined by the law, and only the law. 
**{{cite news|title=Remarks by the President Announcing Judge Merrick Garland as his Nominee to the Supreme Court|first=Merrick|last=Garland|authorlink=w:Merrick Garland|work=The White House|date=March 16, 2016|url=https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Remarks_by_the_President_Announcing_Judge_Merrick_Garland_as_his_Nominee_to_the_Supreme_Court#Remarks_by_Judge_Garland}}; quote then excerpted in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|work=ABC News|url=http://abcnews.go.com/News/merrick-garland-supreme-court-nomination-greatest-honor-life/story?id=37692486|title=Merrick Garland: Supreme Court Nomination 'Greatest Honor of My Life'|date=March 16, 2016|author=Margaret Chadbourn}}; and quote also excerpted in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|work=The Guardian|url=http://www.theguardian.com/law/2016/mar/17/black-judge-effect-race-bias-overturning-court-cases|title='Black judge effect': study of overturning rates questions if justice is really blind|author=Rose Hackman}}

*For a judge to be worthy of such trust, he or she must be faithful to the Constitution and to the statutes passed by the Congress. He or she must put aside his personal views or preferences, and follow the law -- not make it.
**{{cite news|title=Remarks by the President Announcing Judge Merrick Garland as his Nominee to the Supreme Court|first=Merrick|last=Garland|authorlink=w:Merrick Garland|work=The White House|date=March 16, 2016|url=https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Remarks_by_the_President_Announcing_Judge_Merrick_Garland_as_his_Nominee_to_the_Supreme_Court#Remarks_by_Judge_Garland}}; quote then excerpted in:
***{{cite news|url=http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2016/03/16/obama-supreme-court-nomination/81824982/|work=USA Today|accessdate=March 18, 2016|date=March 17, 2016|title=Obama: Merrick Garland qualified to serve on Supreme Court immediately|author=Gregory Korte}}; and quote also excerpted in source:
***{{cite news|url=http://edition.cnn.com/2016/03/16/politics/who-is-merrick-garland/index.html?eref=rss_politics|work=CNN|date=March 16, 2016|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=Who is Merrick Garland?|author=Ariane De Vogue and Tami Luhby}}

*Fidelity to the Constitution and the law has been the cornerstone of my professional life, and it’s the hallmark of the kind of judge I have tried to be for the past 18 years. If the Senate sees fit to confirm me to the position for which I have been nominated today, I promise to continue on that course.
**{{cite news|title=Remarks by the President Announcing Judge Merrick Garland as his Nominee to the Supreme Court|first=Merrick|last=Garland|authorlink=w:Merrick Garland|work=The White House|date=March 16, 2016|url=https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Remarks_by_the_President_Announcing_Judge_Merrick_Garland_as_his_Nominee_to_the_Supreme_Court#Remarks_by_Judge_Garland}}; quote then excerpted in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://variety.com/2016/biz/news/obama-merrick-garland-supreme-court-1201731565/|work=Variety|title=President Obama Nominates Judge Merrick Garland for Supreme Court|author=Ted Johnson|date=March 16, 2016}}; and also excerpted in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|work=The Texas Tribune|url=http://www.texastribune.org/2016/03/16/president-nominates-merrick-garland-supreme-court/|date=March 16, 2016|title=In Texas, Obama's Nominee May Draw Attention for EPA Rulings|author=Jordan Rudner}}; and quote also excerpted in source:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://time.com/4261007/merrick-garland-supreme-court-barack-obama/|work=Time|title=President Obama Nominates Merrick Garland for Supreme Court|date=March 16, 2016|author=Katie Reilly and Maya Rhodan}}

*This is the greatest honor of my life, other than Lynn agreeing to marry me 28 years ago. It's also the greatest gift I have ever received except, and there's another caveat, the birth of our daughters.
**{{cite news|title=Remarks by the President Announcing Judge Merrick Garland as his Nominee to the Supreme Court|first=Merrick|last=Garland|authorlink=w:Merrick Garland|work=The White House|date=March 16, 2016|url=https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Remarks_by_the_President_Announcing_Judge_Merrick_Garland_as_his_Nominee_to_the_Supreme_Court#Remarks_by_Judge_Garland}}; quote then excerpted in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/wireStory/key-quotes-obamas-nomination-merrick-garland-37695552|work=ABC News|title=Quotes on Obama's Nomination of Merrick Garland|author=Associated Press|date=March 16, 2016}}
=== Remarks on the First Anniversary of the Attack on the Capitol (2022) ===
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.justice.gov/opa/speech/attorney-general-merrick-b-garland-delivers-remarks-first-anniversary-attack-capitol Remarks on the First Anniversary of the Attack on the Capitol (5 January 2022)] · [https://www.c-span.org/video/?517045-1/attorney-general-garland-pledges-hold-january-6-attack-perpetrators-accountable C-SPAN video]&lt;/small&gt;

* As we begin a new year — and as we prepare to mark a solemn anniversary tomorrow – it is a fitting time to reaffirm that we at the Department of Justice will do everything in our power to defend the American people and American democracy. &lt;br /&gt; We will defend our democratic institutions from attack. &lt;br /&gt; We will protect those who serve the public from violence and threats of violence. &lt;br /&gt; We will protect the cornerstone of our democracy: the right to every eligible citizen to cast a vote that counts. &lt;br /&gt; And we will do all of this in a manner that adheres to the rule of law and honors our obligation to protect the civil rights and civil liberties of everyone in this country. 

* The Justice Department remains committed to holding all [[2021 United States Capitol attack|January 6th perpetrators]], at any level, [[accountable]] under [[law]] — whether they were present that day or were otherwise [[criminally]] [[responsible]] for the assault on our [[democracy]]. We will follow the [[facts]] wherever they lead. &lt;br /&gt; Because January 6th was an unprecedented attack on the seat of our democracy, we [[understand]] that there is broad public interest in our investigation. We understand that there are questions about how long the investigation will take, and about what exactly we are doing. &lt;br /&gt; Our answer is, and will continue to be, the same answer we would give with respect to any ongoing investigation: as long as it takes and whatever it takes for [[justice]] to be done — consistent with the facts and the law.

=== Remarks on the search of Donald Trump's mansion (2022) ===
[[File:Seal of the United States Department of Justice.svg|thumb|[[Faithful]] adherence to the [[rule of law]] is the bedrock [[principle]] of the Justice Department and of our [[democracy]]. Upholding the rule of law means applying the law evenly, without [[fear]] or [[favor]]. Under my watch, that is precisely what the Justice Department is doing.]]
:&lt;small&gt; [https://www.justice.gov/opa/speech/attorney-general-merrick-garland-delivers-remarks Attorney General Merrick Garland Delivers Remarks (11 August 2022)]&lt;!-- also quoted in [https://edition.cnn.com/2022/08/11/politics/garland-trump-mar-a-lago-search-bluff/index.html &quot;Merrick Garland just called Donald Trump's bluff&quot; CNN (11 August 2022)] --&gt;&lt;/small&gt;

* Since I became attorney general, '''I have made clear that the [[w:United States Department of Justice|Department of Justice]] will speak through its court filings and its work.''' &lt;br /&gt; Just now, the Justice Department has filed a motion in the Southern District of Florida to unseal a search warrant and property receipt relating to a court approved search that the FBI conducted earlier this week. That search was a premises located in Florida, belonging to the former president. '''The department did not make any public statements on the day of the search.''' &lt;br /&gt; The former president publicly confirmed the search that evening, as is his right. '''Copies of both the warrant and the FBI property receipt were provided on the day of the search to the former president's counsel, who was on site during the search.''' &lt;br /&gt; The search warrant was authorized by a federal court upon the required finding of probable cause. The property receipt is a document that federal law requires law enforcement agents to leave with the property owner. '''The department filed the motion to make public the warrant and receipt in light of the former president's public confirmation with the search, the surrounding circumstances and the substantial public interest in this matter.'''

* '''[[Faithful]] adherence to the [[rule of law]] is the bedrock [[principle]] of the Justice Department and of our [[democracy]]. Upholding the rule of law means applying the law evenly, without [[fear]] or [[favor]].''' Under my watch, that is precisely what the Justice Department is doing. &lt;br /&gt; '''All [[Americans]] are entitled to the even handed application of the [[law]], to [[due process]] of the law, and to the presumption of [[innocence]]. Much of our [[work]] is by [[necessity]] conducted out of the public eye. We do that to [[protect]] the constitutional [[rights]] of all Americans and to protect the [[integrity]] of our investigations.''' &lt;br /&gt; Federal law, long standing department rules and our ethical obligations prevent me from providing further details as to the basis of the search at this time. There are however, certain points I want you to know. &lt;br /&gt; First, '''I personally approved the decision to seek a search warrant in this matter.''' Second, the department does not take such a decision lightly. Where possible, it is standard practice to seek less intrusive means as an alternative to a search, and to narrowly scope any search that is undertaken. &lt;br /&gt; Third, '''let me address recent unfounded attacks on the professionalism of the [[FBI]] and Justice Department agents and prosecutors. I will not stand by silently when their integrity is unfairly attacked.''' &lt;br /&gt; The men and women of the FBI and the Justice Department are [[dedicated]], [[patriotic]] public servants. Every day, they protect the American people from violent [[crime]], [[terrorism]] and other threats to their safety, while safeguarding our [[civil rights]]. They do so at great personal sacrifice and risk to themselves. I am honored to work alongside them. &lt;br /&gt; '''This is all I can say right [[now]]. More [[information]] will be made available in the appropriate way and at the appropriate [[time]].'''

* Faithful adherence to the rule of law is the bedrock principle of the Justice Department and of our democracy. Upholding the rule of law means applying the law evenly, without fear or favor.
:&lt;small&gt;Merrick Garland's press conference where he announced the Department of Justice's request to unseal the search warrant, as well as the receipt of the objects seized in Trump's mansion, August 11, 2022&lt;ref&gt;{{Cite web|url=https://edition.cnn.com/2022/08/11/politics/garland-trump-mar-a-lago-search-bluff/index.html|title=Merrick Garland just called Donald Trump's bluff|last=Cillizza|first=Chris|publisher=CNN}}&lt;/ref&gt;&lt;/small&gt;

{{clear}}

==Quotes about Garland==
[[File:Chuck Grassley official photo.jpg|thumb|upright|Mr. Garland seems to be well qualified and would probably make a good judge -- in some other court. &amp;mdash; [[Chuck Grassley]]]]

*Merrick is a very very smart and experienced attorney, but has a demeanor that is very soft spoken and considerate.
**[[w:Michael Chertoff|Michael Chertoff]], [[w:United States Secretary of Homeland Security|United States Secretary of Homeland Security]] for [[George W. Bush]] &amp;mdash; interviewed in: {{cite news|url=http://www.wbur.org/2016/03/16/michael-chertoff-garland|accessdate=March 18, 2016|date=March 16, 2016|work=WBUR News|title=Michael Chertoff On His Friend And Colleague, Supreme Court Nominee Merrick Garland|author=Lisa Mullins and Lynn Jolioceur|archiveurl=https://web.archive.org/web/20160318002034/http://www.wbur.org/2016/03/16/michael-chertoff-garland|archivedate=March 18, 2016}}

*I consider [Garland] a moderate and thoughtful and excellent judge.
**[[w:Miguel Estrada|Miguel Estrada]], nominated by [[George W. Bush]] to [[w:United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit|United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit]] &amp;mdash; interviewed in: {{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://www.politico.com/story/2016/03/merrick-garland-supreme-court-opinions-220902|work=Politico|title=Garland’s lack of standout opinions a boon in confirmation fight|author=Josh Gerstein|archivedate=March 18, 2016|archiveurl=https://web.archive.org/web/20160318002515/http://www.politico.com/story/2016/03/merrick-garland-supreme-court-opinions-220902|date=March 16, 2016}}

*Judge Garland has a reputation for integrity.
**[[Alberto Gonzales]], former [[w:United States Attorney General|United States Attorney General]] for [[George W. Bush]] &amp;mdash; {{cite news|url=http://www.usatoday.com/story/opinion/2016/03/16/obama-supreme-court-nominee-merrick-garland-senate-republicans-fight-column/81828300/|accessdate=March 18, 2016|date=March 16, 2016|author=[[Alberto Gonzales]]|title=Alberto Gonzales: Give Judge Garland a vote|work=USA Today}}

*Mr. Garland seems to be well qualified and would probably make a good judge -- in some other court.
**[[Chuck Grassley]], [[w:Republican Party (United States)|Republican]] United States Senator from Iowa &amp;mdash; quoted in: {{cite news|url=https://www.congress.gov/crec/1997/03/19/CREC-1997-03-19-senate.pdf|work=Congressional Record|accessdate=March 18, 2016|date=March 19, 1997|volume=143|issue=36|page=S2491|publisher=United States Senate|title=Proceedings and Debates of the 105th Congress, First Session; Washington, Wednesday, March 19, 1997}}

*I know him personally, I know of his integrity, I know of his legal ability, I know of his honesty, I know of his acumen, and he belongs on the court.
**[[Orrin Hatch]], [[w:Republican Party (United States)|Republican]] United States Senator from Utah &amp;mdash; quoted in: {{cite news|url=https://www.congress.gov/crec/1997/03/19/CREC-1997-03-19-senate.pdf|work=Congressional Record|accessdate=March 18, 2016|date=March 19, 1997|volume=143|issue=36|page=S2491|publisher=United States Senate|title=Proceedings and Debates of the 105th Congress, First Session; Washington, Wednesday, March 19, 1997}}

* [[President Obama]] and his allies may now try to pretend this disagreement is about a person.  The decision the [[Senate]] announced weeks ago remains about a principle, not a person.
** [[Mitch McConnell  ]] &quot;[https://www.politico.com/news/2021/02/23/mcconnell-merrick-garland-attorney-general-471177 McConnell to support Garland for attorney general]&quot; (February 23, 2021)

*Any time Judge Garland disagrees, you know you’re in a difficult area.
**[[John Roberts]], [[w:Chief Justice of the United States Supreme Court|Chief Justice of the United States Supreme Court]], statement at his 2005 nomination hearings &amp;mdash; cited in: {{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://www.politico.com/story/2016/03/merrick-garland-supreme-court-opinions-220902|work=Politico|title=Garland’s lack of standout opinions a boon in confirmation fight|author=Josh Gerstein|archivedate=March 18, 2016|archiveurl=https://web.archive.org/web/20160318002515/http://www.politico.com/story/2016/03/merrick-garland-supreme-court-opinions-220902|date=March 16, 2016}} and cited in {{cite news|url=http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/09/14/AR2005091401451.html|work=The Washington Post|title=Transcript: Day Three of the Roberts Confirmation Hearings|date=September 14, 2005|accessdate=March 18, 2016}}

*By all accounts, he is a fine person and an able lawyer. He does have a very good job with the U.S. Department of Justice.
**[[Jeff Sessions]], [[w:Republican Party (United States)|Republican]] United States Senator from Alabama &amp;mdash; quoted in: {{cite news|url=https://www.congress.gov/crec/1997/03/19/CREC-1997-03-19-senate.pdf|work=Congressional Record|accessdate=March 18, 2016|date=March 19, 1997|volume=143|issue=36|page=S2491|publisher=United States Senate|title=Proceedings and Debates of the 105th Congress, First Session; Washington, Wednesday, March 19, 1997}}
*Chief Judge Garland is a brilliant jurist who believes in and upholds the rule of law undergirding our constitutional republic.
**[[w:Ken Starr|Ken Starr]], former [[w:United States Solicitor General|United States Solicitor General]] for [[George H.W. Bush]] &amp;mdash; {{cite news|url=http://www.baylor.edu/mediacommunications/news.php?action=story&amp;story=166915|accessdate=March 18, 2016|date=March 16, 2016|author=Ken Starr|authorlink=w:Ken Starr|title=Judge Starr Personal Statement on Nomination of Judge Merrick Garland to the U.S. Supreme Court|work=Baylor University Media Communications|publisher=Baylor University}}

*I have no doubt that Mr. Garland is a man of character and integrity.
**[[w:Strom Thurmond|Strom Thurmond]], [[w:Republican Party (United States)|Republican]] United States Senator from South Carolina &amp;mdash; quoted in: {{cite news|url=https://www.congress.gov/crec/1997/03/19/CREC-1997-03-19-senate.pdf|work=Congressional Record|accessdate=March 18, 2016|date=March 19, 1997|volume=143|issue=36|page=S2491|publisher=United States Senate|title=Proceedings and Debates of the 105th Congress, First Session; Washington, Wednesday, March 19, 1997}}

* MADDOW: Do you have confidence in the Attorney General Garland`s judgment, and to his commitments, to finding a way to meeting the challenge this lawsuit
* TRIBE: Very much. I`ve known him for years. He was my student. I know a lot of people would like him to move more quickly. I get impatient myself sometimes, and I haven`t been easy on him.
** American legal scholar [[Lawrence Tribe]] in an MSNBC interview with [[Rachel Maddow]] in connection with [[Texas anti-abortion law]]
*I have very high regard for his intellect and his decency.
**[[w:Edward Whelan (American lawyer)|Ed Whelan]], former law clerk to United States Supreme Court Associate Justice [[Antonin Scalia]] &amp;mdash; {{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://www.nationalreview.com/bench-memos/432870/merrick-garland|work=National Review|title=On Merrick Garland|author=Ed Whelan|authorlink=w:Edward Whelan (American lawyer)|date=March 16, 2016}}

==See also==
*[[Anthony Kennedy]]
*[[District of Columbia]]
*[[Judges]]
*[[Judiciary]]
*[[Supreme Court of the United States]]
*[[United States Senate]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Merrick Garland}}
{{commons|Merrick Garland}}
{{wikisource|Author:Merrick Brian Garland}}
*[http://www.c-span.org/person/?merrickbgarland Appearances] on [[w:C-SPAN|C-SPAN]]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Garland, Merrick}}
[[Category:1952 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Judges from the United States]]
[[Category:American Jews]]
[[Category:United States Attorneys General]]
[[Category:Lawyers from the United States]]
[[Category:Harvard University alumni]]
[[Category:People from Chicago]]</text>
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      <text bytes="38081" xml:space="preserve">[[File:2016 March 16 Merrick Garland profile by The White House.jpg|thumb|As my parents taught me by both words and deeds, a life of public service is as much a gift to the person who serves as it is to those he is serving.]]
'''[[w:Merrick Garland|Merrick Brian Garland]]''' (born November 13, 1952) is an American attorney and jurist serving as the 86th [[w:United States Attorney General|United States attorney general]] since March 2021. He served as a [[w:United States federal judge|United States circuit judge]] of the [[w:United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit|United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit]] from 1997 to 2021.

After serving as a [[w:law clerk|law clerk]] to Judge [[w:Henry J. Friendly|Henry J. Friendly]] of the [[w:United States Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit|United States Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit]] and Justice [[William J. Brennan Jr.]] of the [[Supreme Court of the United States]], he practiced corporate litigation at [[w:Arnold &amp; Porter|Arnold &amp; Porter]] and worked as a federal prosecutor in the [[w:United States Department of Justice|United States Department of Justice]], where he played a leading role in the investigation and prosecution of the [[w:Oklahoma City bombing|Oklahoma City bombers]].

President [[Barack Obama]], a [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democrat]], [[w:Merrick Garland Supreme Court nomination|nominated]] Garland to serve as an [[w:Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States|associate justice of the Supreme Court]] in March 2016 to fill the vacancy created by the death of [[Antonin Scalia]]. However, the [[w:United States Senate Republican Conference|Republican Senate majority]] refused to hold a hearing or vote on his nomination.

==Quotes==
&lt;small&gt;''Note: All quotes have secondary sources where they were excerpted and then re-cited by subsequent sources.''&lt;/small&gt;

* This kind of scheme to nullify the Constitution of the United States is one that all Americans, whatever their politics or party, should fear. If it prevails, it may become a model for action, in other areas, by other states and with respect to other constitutional rights and judicial precedents
** &quot;[https://www.axios.com/justice-department-lawsuit-texas-abortion-ban-4f282cfc-5594-4f84-a37e-7bbc85a90c7b.html Justice Department is suing Texas over [[new abortion ban]]]&quot; (September 9,2021)

===Confirmation hearing on nomination to United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit (1995)===
[[File:1997 March 19 United States Senate comments on Merrick Garland in Congressional Record.pdf|thumb|The role of the court is to apply law to the facts of the case before it … not to legislate, not to arrogate to itself the executive power, not to hand down advisory opinion on the issues of the day.]]
*The role of the court is to apply law to the facts of the case before it … not to legislate, not to arrogate to itself the executive power, not to hand down advisory opinion on the issues of the day.
**{{cite news|author=Merrick Garland|title=Confirmation hearing on nomination of Merrick Garland to the United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit |publisher=United States Senate|date=December 1, 1995}}; quote excerpted in: 
***{{cite news|url=http://www.scotusblog.com/2010/04/the-potential-nomination-of-merrick-garland/|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=The Potential Nomination of Merrick Garland|work=[[w:SCOTUSblog|SCOTUSblog]]|author=Tom Goldstein|date=April 26, 2010}} and also excerpted quote from this source, next cited in:
****{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=The Quotable Merrick Garland: A Collection of Writings and Remarks|url=http://www.nationallawjournal.com/home/id=1202752327128/The-Quotable-Merrick-Garland-A-Collection-of-Writings-and-Remarks|author=Zoe Tillman|work=[[w:The National Law Journal|The National Law Journal]]|date=March 16, 2016|issn=0162-7325}} 

*The constitution sets all three branches out as co-equal. The obligation of the judicial branch — as far back as the decision in ''Marbury v. Madison'' — is to review the constitutionality and legality of actions by the other branches. And that is its only job, to decide cases and controversies in front of it under article three.
**{{cite news|author=Merrick Garland|title=Confirmation hearing on nomination of Merrick Garland to the United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit |publisher=United States Senate|date=December 1, 1995}}; quote excerpted in: 
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://blogs.wsj.com/law/2016/03/16/judge-merrick-garland-in-his-own-words/|title=Judge Merrick Garland, In His Own Words|author=Joe Palazzolo|date=March 16, 2016|work=The Wall Street Journal}}

*Well, of course I have great personal affection for the justice for whom I clerked, Justice Brennan. 
**{{cite news|author=Merrick Garland|title=Confirmation hearing on nomination of Merrick Garland to the United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit |publisher=United States Senate|date=December 1, 1995}}; quote excerpted in: 
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://blogs.wsj.com/law/2016/03/16/judge-merrick-garland-in-his-own-words/|title=Judge Merrick Garland, In His Own Words|author=Joe Palazzolo|date=March 16, 2016|work=The Wall Street Journal}}

*I would say the one for which — the most admiration, is the one I just mentioned, Justice John Marshall, Chief Justice John Marshall who decided ''Marbury v. Madison'' and so deciding established that the constitution is the supreme law of the land. 
**{{cite news|author=Merrick Garland|title=Confirmation hearing on nomination of Merrick Garland to the United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit |publisher=United States Senate|date=December 1, 1995}}; quote excerpted in: 
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://blogs.wsj.com/law/2016/03/16/judge-merrick-garland-in-his-own-words/|title=Judge Merrick Garland, In His Own Words|author=Joe Palazzolo|date=March 16, 2016|work=The Wall Street Journal}}

*Everybody, I think, who hopes to become a judge would aspire to be able to write as well as Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes. None are going to be able to attain that. But I’ll try at least — if confirmed to be as brief and pithy as he is.
**{{cite news|author=Merrick Garland|title=Confirmation hearing on nomination of Merrick Garland to the United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit |publisher=United States Senate|date=December 1, 1995}}; quote excerpted in: 
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://blogs.wsj.com/law/2016/03/16/judge-merrick-garland-in-his-own-words/|title=Judge Merrick Garland, In His Own Words|author=Joe Palazzolo|date=March 16, 2016|work=The Wall Street Journal}}

*The great joy of being a prosecutor is that you don’t take whatever case walks in the door. You evaluate the case, you make your best judgement, you only go forward if you believe that the defendant is guilty. You may well be wrong, but you have done your best to ensure that as far as the evidence that you are able to attain, the person is guilty. It is the kind of even-handed balancing that a judge should undertake although of course a judge has the advantage of having somebody speak for the other side. 
**{{cite news|author=Merrick Garland|title=Confirmation hearing on nomination of Merrick Garland to the United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit |publisher=United States Senate|date=December 1, 1995}}; quote excerpted in: 
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://blogs.wsj.com/law/2016/03/16/judge-merrick-garland-in-his-own-words/|title=Judge Merrick Garland, In His Own Words|author=Joe Palazzolo|date=March 16, 2016|work=The Wall Street Journal}}

*I think there is no greater job anybody can have than having been a prosecutor.
**{{cite news|author=Merrick Garland|title=Confirmation hearing on nomination of Merrick Garland to the United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit |publisher=United States Senate|date=December 1, 1995}}; quote excerpted in: 
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://blogs.wsj.com/law/2016/03/16/judge-merrick-garland-in-his-own-words/|title=Judge Merrick Garland, In His Own Words|author=Joe Palazzolo|date=March 16, 2016|work=The Wall Street Journal}}

===Court opinions and media comments===
*Because nothing has transpired in the last half-century to suggest that the national interest in public disclosure of lobbying information is any less vital than it was when the Supreme Court first considered the issue, we reject that challenge.
**{{cite news|date=2009|work=National Association of Manufacturers v. Taylor|author=Merrick Garland}}; quote then cited in:
***{{cite news|url=http://legaltimes.typepad.com/blt/2009/09/appeals-court-rejects-challenge-to-lobbying-disclosures.html|accessdate=March 18, 2016|work=The BLT|title=Appeals Court Rejects Challenge to Lobbying Disclosures|date=September 8, 2009|author=Mike Scarcella}}; and also excerpted quote from this source, next cited in:
****{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=The Quotable Merrick Garland: A Collection of Writings and Remarks|url=http://www.nationallawjournal.com/home/id=1202752327128/The-Quotable-Merrick-Garland-A-Collection-of-Writings-and-Remarks|author=Zoe Tillman|work=[[w:The National Law Journal|The National Law Journal]]|date=March 16, 2016|issn=0162-7325}} 

*If the CIA is the emperor, you're asking us to say the emperor has clothes when the emperor's bosses say that the emperor doesn't. I mean, how can you ask the court to say that at this point?
**{{cite news|date=2012|work=ACLU v. CIA|author=Merrick Garland|title=Oral arguments|publisher=United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit}}; quote then excerpted in:
***{{cite news|author=Mike Scarcella|url=http://legaltimes.typepad.com/blt/2013/03/dc-circuit-revives-public-records-suit-over-drone-documents.html|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=D.C. Circuit Revives Public Records Suit Over Drone Documents|date=March 15, 2013|work=The BLT}}; quote then cited from this source subsequently in:
****{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=The Quotable Merrick Garland: A Collection of Writings and Remarks|url=http://www.nationallawjournal.com/home/id=1202752327128/The-Quotable-Merrick-Garland-A-Collection-of-Writings-and-Remarks|author=Zoe Tillman|work=[[w:The National Law Journal|The National Law Journal]]|date=March 16, 2016|issn=0162-7325}} 

*The CIA asked the courts to stretch that doctrine too far—to give their imprimatur to a fiction of deniability that no reasonable person would regard as plausible.
**{{cite news|work=ACLU v. CIA|url=https://www.cadc.uscourts.gov/internet/opinions.nsf/6471FF102FC611A685257B2F004DEA2A/$file/11-5320-1425559.pdf|accessdate=March 18, 2016|publisher=United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit|date=March 15, 2013|title=Opinion for the Court|author=Chief Judge Merrick Garland}}; quote then excerpted in:
***{{cite news|author=Mike Scarcella|url=http://legaltimes.typepad.com/blt/2013/03/dc-circuit-revives-public-records-suit-over-drone-documents.html|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=D.C. Circuit Revives Public Records Suit Over Drone Documents|date=March 15, 2013|work=The BLT}}; quote then cited from this source subsequently in:
****{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=The Quotable Merrick Garland: A Collection of Writings and Remarks|url=http://www.nationallawjournal.com/home/id=1202752327128/The-Quotable-Merrick-Garland-A-Collection-of-Writings-and-Remarks|author=Zoe Tillman|work=[[w:The National Law Journal|The National Law Journal]]|date=March 16, 2016|issn=0162-7325}} 

*But when I asked myself, as I often do: 'What would [[w:Henry Friendly|Judge Friendly]] have done?' 
**{{cite news|url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A5U6ekOfpi4|accessdate=March 18, 2016|author=Merrick Garland|title=Presentation of the Friendly Medal to William H. Webster|date=May 24, 2013|publisher=American Law Institute}} and also excerpted quote in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=The Quotable Merrick Garland: A Collection of Writings and Remarks|url=http://www.nationallawjournal.com/home/id=1202752327128/The-Quotable-Merrick-Garland-A-Collection-of-Writings-and-Remarks|author=Zoe Tillman|work=[[w:The National Law Journal|The National Law Journal]]|date=March 16, 2016|issn=0162-7325}} 

===DC Circuit Court Judge Panel, JRCLS International Law Conference (2013)===
*They tell you in Washington, that if you want a friend get a dog. Harry Truman said that. That is not true. Get a family. This is a hard place to be. No matter how much honor you have, people will attack you one way or the other. And the principle solace that you get is from your family. Because they’re behind you no matter what happens. So never forget about that. Whatever interests you have in your career, you have to balance it with a deep relationship with your family.
**{{cite news|author=Merrick Garland|url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7U1a8pYMJDM|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=Life Lessons Learned|work=DC Circuit Court Judge Panel, JRCLS International Law Conference|date=February 15, 2013|location=Georgetown University Law Center}}; also excerpted quote in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=The Quotable Merrick Garland: A Collection of Writings and Remarks|url=http://www.nationallawjournal.com/home/id=1202752327128/The-Quotable-Merrick-Garland-A-Collection-of-Writings-and-Remarks|author=Zoe Tillman|work=[[w:The National Law Journal|The National Law Journal]]|date=March 16, 2016|issn=0162-7325}}

*The hard things are when you have to make your friends disappointed because you think you’re required, for example, by the law to do something that maybe is different than what you would do as a matter of public policy.
**{{cite news|author=Merrick Garland|url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7U1a8pYMJDM|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=Life Lessons Learned|work=DC Circuit Court Judge Panel, JRCLS International Law Conference|date=February 15, 2013|location=Georgetown University Law Center}}; also excerpted quote in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=The Quotable Merrick Garland: A Collection of Writings and Remarks|url=http://www.nationallawjournal.com/home/id=1202752327128/The-Quotable-Merrick-Garland-A-Collection-of-Writings-and-Remarks|author=Zoe Tillman|work=[[w:The National Law Journal|The National Law Journal]]|date=March 16, 2016|issn=0162-7325}}

*For myself the balance came from always driving my children to school. So that every day we had that first half-hour, 45 minutes of nothing but uninterrupted time. Sometimes it was just a bunch of sarcasm. Sometimes it was just listening to the radio. But sometimes it was real explanation of what the kids were thinking what they were worried about.
**{{cite news|author=Merrick Garland|url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7U1a8pYMJDM|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=Life Lessons Learned|work=DC Circuit Court Judge Panel, JRCLS International Law Conference|date=February 15, 2013|location=Georgetown University Law Center}}; also excerpted quote in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=The Quotable Merrick Garland: A Collection of Writings and Remarks|url=http://www.nationallawjournal.com/home/id=1202752327128/The-Quotable-Merrick-Garland-A-Collection-of-Writings-and-Remarks|author=Zoe Tillman|work=[[w:The National Law Journal|The National Law Journal]]|date=March 16, 2016|issn=0162-7325}}

*The most important thing that a clerk can do for a judge, I tell my clerks, is to prevent me from jumping off the cliff if I don’t want to. That is, sometimes I don’t realize there’s a cliff there at all, that the implications of what I’m doing are really totally wrong, and that sometimes it takes another person or two other people to warn me that you’re just not reading this case correctly, or you’re just not understanding the implications of what a decision in this way would be.”
**{{cite news|author=Merrick Garland|url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7U1a8pYMJDM|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=Life Lessons Learned|work=DC Circuit Court Judge Panel, JRCLS International Law Conference|date=February 15, 2013|location=Georgetown University Law Center}}; also excerpted quote in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=The Quotable Merrick Garland: A Collection of Writings and Remarks|url=http://www.nationallawjournal.com/home/id=1202752327128/The-Quotable-Merrick-Garland-A-Collection-of-Writings-and-Remarks|author=Zoe Tillman|work=[[w:The National Law Journal|The National Law Journal]]|date=March 16, 2016|issn=0162-7325}}

===Remarks by Judge Garland upon nomination to Supreme Court of the United States (2016)===
[[File:The President Announces Chief Judge Merrick Garland as His Supreme Court Nominee.webm|thumb|Trust that justice will be done in our courts without prejudice or partisanship is what, in a large part, distinguishes this country from others.]]

*As my parents taught me by both words and deeds, a life of public service is as much a gift to the person who serves as it is to those he is serving. And for me, there could be no higher public service than serving as a member of the United States Supreme Court.
**{{cite news|title=Remarks by the President Announcing Judge Merrick Garland as his Nominee to the Supreme Court|first=Merrick|last=Garland|authorlink=w:Merrick Garland|work=The White House|date=March 16, 2016|url=https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Remarks_by_the_President_Announcing_Judge_Merrick_Garland_as_his_Nominee_to_the_Supreme_Court#Remarks_by_Judge_Garland}}; quote then excerpted in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://chicagotonight.wttw.com/2016/03/16/obama-taps-chicago-native-merrick-garland-supreme-court|title=Obama Taps Chicago Native Merrick Garland for Supreme Court|author=Paris Schutz|date=March 16, 2016|work=WTTW}}; and also quote excerpted in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://www.upi.com/Top_News/US/2016/03/16/President-Obama-to-reveal-Supreme-Court-nominee/7221458128542/|work=United Press International|title=Merrick Garland: Supreme Court nomination 'greatest honor of my life'|date=March 16, 2016|author=Andrew V. Pestano}}; and quote again also excerpted in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://www.npr.org/2016/03/16/470684460/will-garlands-nomination-prompt-senate-to-act|work=Morning Edition|publisher=National Public Radio|date=March 16, 2016|author=Renee Montagne|title=Judge Garland Has Ability To 'Assemble Unlikely Coalitions,' Obama Says}}

*Trust that justice will be done in our courts without prejudice or partisanship is what, in a large part, distinguishes this country from others. 
**{{cite news|title=Remarks by the President Announcing Judge Merrick Garland as his Nominee to the Supreme Court|first=Merrick|last=Garland|authorlink=w:Merrick Garland|work=The White House|date=March 16, 2016|url=https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Remarks_by_the_President_Announcing_Judge_Merrick_Garland_as_his_Nominee_to_the_Supreme_Court#Remarks_by_Judge_Garland}}; quote then excerpted in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://www.thestandard.com.hk/section-news.php?id=167418|title=Obama warns foes on top court pick|date=March 18, 2016|work=[[w:The Standard (Hong Kong)|The Standard]]}}

*People must be confident that a judge’s decisions are determined by the law, and only the law. 
**{{cite news|title=Remarks by the President Announcing Judge Merrick Garland as his Nominee to the Supreme Court|first=Merrick|last=Garland|authorlink=w:Merrick Garland|work=The White House|date=March 16, 2016|url=https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Remarks_by_the_President_Announcing_Judge_Merrick_Garland_as_his_Nominee_to_the_Supreme_Court#Remarks_by_Judge_Garland}}; quote then excerpted in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|work=ABC News|url=http://abcnews.go.com/News/merrick-garland-supreme-court-nomination-greatest-honor-life/story?id=37692486|title=Merrick Garland: Supreme Court Nomination 'Greatest Honor of My Life'|date=March 16, 2016|author=Margaret Chadbourn}}; and quote also excerpted in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|work=The Guardian|url=http://www.theguardian.com/law/2016/mar/17/black-judge-effect-race-bias-overturning-court-cases|title='Black judge effect': study of overturning rates questions if justice is really blind|author=Rose Hackman}}

*For a judge to be worthy of such trust, he or she must be faithful to the Constitution and to the statutes passed by the Congress. He or she must put aside his personal views or preferences, and follow the law -- not make it.
**{{cite news|title=Remarks by the President Announcing Judge Merrick Garland as his Nominee to the Supreme Court|first=Merrick|last=Garland|authorlink=w:Merrick Garland|work=The White House|date=March 16, 2016|url=https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Remarks_by_the_President_Announcing_Judge_Merrick_Garland_as_his_Nominee_to_the_Supreme_Court#Remarks_by_Judge_Garland}}; quote then excerpted in:
***{{cite news|url=http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2016/03/16/obama-supreme-court-nomination/81824982/|work=USA Today|accessdate=March 18, 2016|date=March 17, 2016|title=Obama: Merrick Garland qualified to serve on Supreme Court immediately|author=Gregory Korte}}; and quote also excerpted in source:
***{{cite news|url=http://edition.cnn.com/2016/03/16/politics/who-is-merrick-garland/index.html?eref=rss_politics|work=CNN|date=March 16, 2016|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=Who is Merrick Garland?|author=Ariane De Vogue and Tami Luhby}}

*Fidelity to the Constitution and the law has been the cornerstone of my professional life, and it’s the hallmark of the kind of judge I have tried to be for the past 18 years. If the Senate sees fit to confirm me to the position for which I have been nominated today, I promise to continue on that course.
**{{cite news|title=Remarks by the President Announcing Judge Merrick Garland as his Nominee to the Supreme Court|first=Merrick|last=Garland|authorlink=w:Merrick Garland|work=The White House|date=March 16, 2016|url=https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Remarks_by_the_President_Announcing_Judge_Merrick_Garland_as_his_Nominee_to_the_Supreme_Court#Remarks_by_Judge_Garland}}; quote then excerpted in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://variety.com/2016/biz/news/obama-merrick-garland-supreme-court-1201731565/|work=Variety|title=President Obama Nominates Judge Merrick Garland for Supreme Court|author=Ted Johnson|date=March 16, 2016}}; and also excerpted in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|work=The Texas Tribune|url=http://www.texastribune.org/2016/03/16/president-nominates-merrick-garland-supreme-court/|date=March 16, 2016|title=In Texas, Obama's Nominee May Draw Attention for EPA Rulings|author=Jordan Rudner}}; and quote also excerpted in source:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://time.com/4261007/merrick-garland-supreme-court-barack-obama/|work=Time|title=President Obama Nominates Merrick Garland for Supreme Court|date=March 16, 2016|author=Katie Reilly and Maya Rhodan}}

*This is the greatest honor of my life, other than Lynn agreeing to marry me 28 years ago. It's also the greatest gift I have ever received except, and there's another caveat, the birth of our daughters.
**{{cite news|title=Remarks by the President Announcing Judge Merrick Garland as his Nominee to the Supreme Court|first=Merrick|last=Garland|authorlink=w:Merrick Garland|work=The White House|date=March 16, 2016|url=https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Remarks_by_the_President_Announcing_Judge_Merrick_Garland_as_his_Nominee_to_the_Supreme_Court#Remarks_by_Judge_Garland}}; quote then excerpted in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/wireStory/key-quotes-obamas-nomination-merrick-garland-37695552|work=ABC News|title=Quotes on Obama's Nomination of Merrick Garland|author=Associated Press|date=March 16, 2016}}
=== Remarks on the First Anniversary of the Attack on the Capitol (2022) ===
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.justice.gov/opa/speech/attorney-general-merrick-b-garland-delivers-remarks-first-anniversary-attack-capitol Remarks on the First Anniversary of the Attack on the Capitol (5 January 2022)] · [https://www.c-span.org/video/?517045-1/attorney-general-garland-pledges-hold-january-6-attack-perpetrators-accountable C-SPAN video]&lt;/small&gt;

* As we begin a new year — and as we prepare to mark a solemn anniversary tomorrow – it is a fitting time to reaffirm that we at the Department of Justice will do everything in our power to defend the American people and American democracy. &lt;br /&gt; We will defend our democratic institutions from attack. &lt;br /&gt; We will protect those who serve the public from violence and threats of violence. &lt;br /&gt; We will protect the cornerstone of our democracy: the right to every eligible citizen to cast a vote that counts. &lt;br /&gt; And we will do all of this in a manner that adheres to the rule of law and honors our obligation to protect the civil rights and civil liberties of everyone in this country. 

* The Justice Department remains committed to holding all [[2021 United States Capitol attack|January 6th perpetrators]], at any level, [[accountable]] under [[law]] — whether they were present that day or were otherwise [[criminally]] [[responsible]] for the assault on our [[democracy]]. We will follow the [[facts]] wherever they lead. &lt;br /&gt; Because January 6th was an unprecedented attack on the seat of our democracy, we [[understand]] that there is broad public interest in our investigation. We understand that there are questions about how long the investigation will take, and about what exactly we are doing. &lt;br /&gt; Our answer is, and will continue to be, the same answer we would give with respect to any ongoing investigation: as long as it takes and whatever it takes for [[justice]] to be done — consistent with the facts and the law.

=== Remarks on the search of Donald Trump's mansion (2022) ===
[[File:Seal of the United States Department of Justice.svg|thumb|[[Faithful]] adherence to the [[rule of law]] is the bedrock [[principle]] of the Justice Department and of our [[democracy]]. Upholding the rule of law means applying the law evenly, without [[fear]] or [[favor]]. Under my watch, that is precisely what the Justice Department is doing.]]
:&lt;small&gt; [https://www.justice.gov/opa/speech/attorney-general-merrick-garland-delivers-remarks Attorney General Merrick Garland Delivers Remarks (11 August 2022)]&lt;!-- also quoted in [https://edition.cnn.com/2022/08/11/politics/garland-trump-mar-a-lago-search-bluff/index.html &quot;Merrick Garland just called Donald Trump's bluff&quot; CNN (11 August 2022)] --&gt;&lt;/small&gt;

* Since I became attorney general, '''I have made clear that the [[w:United States Department of Justice|Department of Justice]] will speak through its court filings and its work.''' &lt;br /&gt; Just now, the Justice Department has filed a motion in the Southern District of Florida to unseal a search warrant and property receipt relating to a court approved search that the FBI conducted earlier this week. That search was a premises located in Florida, belonging to the former president. '''The department did not make any public statements on the day of the search.''' &lt;br /&gt; The former president publicly confirmed the search that evening, as is his right. '''Copies of both the warrant and the FBI property receipt were provided on the day of the search to the former president's counsel, who was on site during the search.''' &lt;br /&gt; The search warrant was authorized by a federal court upon the required finding of probable cause. The property receipt is a document that federal law requires law enforcement agents to leave with the property owner. '''The department filed the motion to make public the warrant and receipt in light of the former president's public confirmation with the search, the surrounding circumstances and the substantial public interest in this matter.'''

* '''[[Faithful]] adherence to the [[rule of law]] is the bedrock [[principle]] of the Justice Department and of our [[democracy]]. Upholding the rule of law means applying the law evenly, without [[fear]] or [[favor]].''' Under my watch, that is precisely what the Justice Department is doing. &lt;br /&gt; '''All [[Americans]] are entitled to the even handed application of the [[law]], to [[due process]] of the law, and to the presumption of [[innocence]]. Much of our [[work]] is by [[necessity]] conducted out of the public eye. We do that to [[protect]] the constitutional [[rights]] of all Americans and to protect the [[integrity]] of our investigations.''' &lt;br /&gt; Federal law, long standing department rules and our ethical obligations prevent me from providing further details as to the basis of the search at this time. There are however, certain points I want you to know. &lt;br /&gt; First, '''I personally approved the decision to seek a search warrant in this matter.''' Second, the department does not take such a decision lightly. Where possible, it is standard practice to seek less intrusive means as an alternative to a search, and to narrowly scope any search that is undertaken. &lt;br /&gt; Third, '''let me address recent unfounded attacks on the professionalism of the [[FBI]] and Justice Department agents and prosecutors. I will not stand by silently when their integrity is unfairly attacked.''' &lt;br /&gt; The men and women of the FBI and the Justice Department are [[dedicated]], [[patriotic]] public servants. Every day, they protect the American people from violent [[crime]], [[terrorism]] and other threats to their safety, while safeguarding our [[civil rights]]. They do so at great personal sacrifice and risk to themselves. I am honored to work alongside them. &lt;br /&gt; '''This is all I can say right [[now]]. More [[information]] will be made available in the appropriate way and at the appropriate [[time]].'''

{{clear}}

==Quotes about Garland==
[[File:Chuck Grassley official photo.jpg|thumb|upright|Mr. Garland seems to be well qualified and would probably make a good judge -- in some other court. &amp;mdash; [[Chuck Grassley]]]]

*Merrick is a very very smart and experienced attorney, but has a demeanor that is very soft spoken and considerate.
**[[w:Michael Chertoff|Michael Chertoff]], [[w:United States Secretary of Homeland Security|United States Secretary of Homeland Security]] for [[George W. Bush]] &amp;mdash; interviewed in: {{cite news|url=http://www.wbur.org/2016/03/16/michael-chertoff-garland|accessdate=March 18, 2016|date=March 16, 2016|work=WBUR News|title=Michael Chertoff On His Friend And Colleague, Supreme Court Nominee Merrick Garland|author=Lisa Mullins and Lynn Jolioceur|archiveurl=https://web.archive.org/web/20160318002034/http://www.wbur.org/2016/03/16/michael-chertoff-garland|archivedate=March 18, 2016}}

*I consider [Garland] a moderate and thoughtful and excellent judge.
**[[w:Miguel Estrada|Miguel Estrada]], nominated by [[George W. Bush]] to [[w:United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit|United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit]] &amp;mdash; interviewed in: {{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://www.politico.com/story/2016/03/merrick-garland-supreme-court-opinions-220902|work=Politico|title=Garland’s lack of standout opinions a boon in confirmation fight|author=Josh Gerstein|archivedate=March 18, 2016|archiveurl=https://web.archive.org/web/20160318002515/http://www.politico.com/story/2016/03/merrick-garland-supreme-court-opinions-220902|date=March 16, 2016}}

*Judge Garland has a reputation for integrity.
**[[Alberto Gonzales]], former [[w:United States Attorney General|United States Attorney General]] for [[George W. Bush]] &amp;mdash; {{cite news|url=http://www.usatoday.com/story/opinion/2016/03/16/obama-supreme-court-nominee-merrick-garland-senate-republicans-fight-column/81828300/|accessdate=March 18, 2016|date=March 16, 2016|author=[[Alberto Gonzales]]|title=Alberto Gonzales: Give Judge Garland a vote|work=USA Today}}

*Mr. Garland seems to be well qualified and would probably make a good judge -- in some other court.
**[[Chuck Grassley]], [[w:Republican Party (United States)|Republican]] United States Senator from Iowa &amp;mdash; quoted in: {{cite news|url=https://www.congress.gov/crec/1997/03/19/CREC-1997-03-19-senate.pdf|work=Congressional Record|accessdate=March 18, 2016|date=March 19, 1997|volume=143|issue=36|page=S2491|publisher=United States Senate|title=Proceedings and Debates of the 105th Congress, First Session; Washington, Wednesday, March 19, 1997}}

*I know him personally, I know of his integrity, I know of his legal ability, I know of his honesty, I know of his acumen, and he belongs on the court.
**[[Orrin Hatch]], [[w:Republican Party (United States)|Republican]] United States Senator from Utah &amp;mdash; quoted in: {{cite news|url=https://www.congress.gov/crec/1997/03/19/CREC-1997-03-19-senate.pdf|work=Congressional Record|accessdate=March 18, 2016|date=March 19, 1997|volume=143|issue=36|page=S2491|publisher=United States Senate|title=Proceedings and Debates of the 105th Congress, First Session; Washington, Wednesday, March 19, 1997}}

* [[President Obama]] and his allies may now try to pretend this disagreement is about a person.  The decision the [[Senate]] announced weeks ago remains about a principle, not a person.
** [[Mitch McConnell  ]] &quot;[https://www.politico.com/news/2021/02/23/mcconnell-merrick-garland-attorney-general-471177 McConnell to support Garland for attorney general]&quot; (February 23, 2021)

*Any time Judge Garland disagrees, you know you’re in a difficult area.
**[[John Roberts]], [[w:Chief Justice of the United States Supreme Court|Chief Justice of the United States Supreme Court]], statement at his 2005 nomination hearings &amp;mdash; cited in: {{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://www.politico.com/story/2016/03/merrick-garland-supreme-court-opinions-220902|work=Politico|title=Garland’s lack of standout opinions a boon in confirmation fight|author=Josh Gerstein|archivedate=March 18, 2016|archiveurl=https://web.archive.org/web/20160318002515/http://www.politico.com/story/2016/03/merrick-garland-supreme-court-opinions-220902|date=March 16, 2016}} and cited in {{cite news|url=http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/09/14/AR2005091401451.html|work=The Washington Post|title=Transcript: Day Three of the Roberts Confirmation Hearings|date=September 14, 2005|accessdate=March 18, 2016}}

*By all accounts, he is a fine person and an able lawyer. He does have a very good job with the U.S. Department of Justice.
**[[Jeff Sessions]], [[w:Republican Party (United States)|Republican]] United States Senator from Alabama &amp;mdash; quoted in: {{cite news|url=https://www.congress.gov/crec/1997/03/19/CREC-1997-03-19-senate.pdf|work=Congressional Record|accessdate=March 18, 2016|date=March 19, 1997|volume=143|issue=36|page=S2491|publisher=United States Senate|title=Proceedings and Debates of the 105th Congress, First Session; Washington, Wednesday, March 19, 1997}}
*Chief Judge Garland is a brilliant jurist who believes in and upholds the rule of law undergirding our constitutional republic.
**[[w:Ken Starr|Ken Starr]], former [[w:United States Solicitor General|United States Solicitor General]] for [[George H.W. Bush]] &amp;mdash; {{cite news|url=http://www.baylor.edu/mediacommunications/news.php?action=story&amp;story=166915|accessdate=March 18, 2016|date=March 16, 2016|author=Ken Starr|authorlink=w:Ken Starr|title=Judge Starr Personal Statement on Nomination of Judge Merrick Garland to the U.S. Supreme Court|work=Baylor University Media Communications|publisher=Baylor University}}

*I have no doubt that Mr. Garland is a man of character and integrity.
**[[w:Strom Thurmond|Strom Thurmond]], [[w:Republican Party (United States)|Republican]] United States Senator from South Carolina &amp;mdash; quoted in: {{cite news|url=https://www.congress.gov/crec/1997/03/19/CREC-1997-03-19-senate.pdf|work=Congressional Record|accessdate=March 18, 2016|date=March 19, 1997|volume=143|issue=36|page=S2491|publisher=United States Senate|title=Proceedings and Debates of the 105th Congress, First Session; Washington, Wednesday, March 19, 1997}}

* MADDOW: Do you have confidence in the Attorney General Garland`s judgment, and to his commitments, to finding a way to meeting the challenge this lawsuit
* TRIBE: Very much. I`ve known him for years. He was my student. I know a lot of people would like him to move more quickly. I get impatient myself sometimes, and I haven`t been easy on him.
** American legal scholar [[Lawrence Tribe]] in an MSNBC interview with [[Rachel Maddow]] in connection with [[Texas anti-abortion law]]
*I have very high regard for his intellect and his decency.
**[[w:Edward Whelan (American lawyer)|Ed Whelan]], former law clerk to United States Supreme Court Associate Justice [[Antonin Scalia]] &amp;mdash; {{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://www.nationalreview.com/bench-memos/432870/merrick-garland|work=National Review|title=On Merrick Garland|author=Ed Whelan|authorlink=w:Edward Whelan (American lawyer)|date=March 16, 2016}}

==See also==
*[[Anthony Kennedy]]
*[[District of Columbia]]
*[[Judges]]
*[[Judiciary]]
*[[Supreme Court of the United States]]
*[[United States Senate]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Merrick Garland}}
{{commons|Merrick Garland}}
{{wikisource|Author:Merrick Brian Garland}}
*[http://www.c-span.org/person/?merrickbgarland Appearances] on [[w:C-SPAN|C-SPAN]]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Garland, Merrick}}
[[Category:1952 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Judges from the United States]]
[[Category:American Jews]]
[[Category:United States Attorneys General]]
[[Category:Lawyers from the United States]]
[[Category:Harvard University alumni]]
[[Category:People from Chicago]]</text>
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      <text bytes="38397" xml:space="preserve">[[File:2016 March 16 Merrick Garland profile by The White House.jpg|thumb|As my parents taught me by both words and deeds, a life of public service is as much a gift to the person who serves as it is to those he is serving.]]
'''[[w:Merrick Garland|Merrick Brian Garland]]''' (born November 13, 1952) is an American attorney and jurist serving as the 86th [[w:United States Attorney General|United States attorney general]] since March 2021. He served as a [[w:United States federal judge|United States circuit judge]] of the [[w:United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit|United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit]] from 1997 to 2021.

After serving as a [[w:law clerk|law clerk]] to Judge [[w:Henry J. Friendly|Henry J. Friendly]] of the [[w:United States Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit|United States Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit]] and Justice [[William J. Brennan Jr.]] of the [[Supreme Court of the United States]], he practiced corporate litigation at [[w:Arnold &amp; Porter|Arnold &amp; Porter]] and worked as a federal prosecutor in the [[w:United States Department of Justice|United States Department of Justice]], where he played a leading role in the investigation and prosecution of the [[w:Oklahoma City bombing|Oklahoma City bombers]].

President [[Barack Obama]], a [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democrat]], [[w:Merrick Garland Supreme Court nomination|nominated]] Garland to serve as an [[w:Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States|associate justice of the Supreme Court]] in March 2016 to fill the vacancy created by the death of [[Antonin Scalia]]. However, the [[w:United States Senate Republican Conference|Republican Senate majority]] refused to hold a hearing or vote on his nomination.

==Quotes==
&lt;small&gt;''Note: All quotes have secondary sources where they were excerpted and then re-cited by subsequent sources.''&lt;/small&gt;

* This kind of scheme to nullify the Constitution of the United States is one that all Americans, whatever their politics or party, should fear. If it prevails, it may become a model for action, in other areas, by other states and with respect to other constitutional rights and judicial precedents
** &quot;[https://www.axios.com/justice-department-lawsuit-texas-abortion-ban-4f282cfc-5594-4f84-a37e-7bbc85a90c7b.html Justice Department is suing Texas over [[new abortion ban]]]&quot; (September 9,2021)

===Confirmation hearing on nomination to United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit (1995)===
[[File:1997 March 19 United States Senate comments on Merrick Garland in Congressional Record.pdf|thumb|The role of the court is to apply law to the facts of the case before it … not to legislate, not to arrogate to itself the executive power, not to hand down advisory opinion on the issues of the day.]]
*The role of the court is to apply law to the facts of the case before it … not to legislate, not to arrogate to itself the executive power, not to hand down advisory opinion on the issues of the day.
**{{cite news|author=Merrick Garland|title=Confirmation hearing on nomination of Merrick Garland to the United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit |publisher=United States Senate|date=December 1, 1995}}; quote excerpted in: 
***{{cite news|url=http://www.scotusblog.com/2010/04/the-potential-nomination-of-merrick-garland/|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=The Potential Nomination of Merrick Garland|work=[[w:SCOTUSblog|SCOTUSblog]]|author=Tom Goldstein|date=April 26, 2010}} and also excerpted quote from this source, next cited in:
****{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=The Quotable Merrick Garland: A Collection of Writings and Remarks|url=http://www.nationallawjournal.com/home/id=1202752327128/The-Quotable-Merrick-Garland-A-Collection-of-Writings-and-Remarks|author=Zoe Tillman|work=[[w:The National Law Journal|The National Law Journal]]|date=March 16, 2016|issn=0162-7325}} 

*The constitution sets all three branches out as co-equal. The obligation of the judicial branch — as far back as the decision in ''Marbury v. Madison'' — is to review the constitutionality and legality of actions by the other branches. And that is its only job, to decide cases and controversies in front of it under article three.
**{{cite news|author=Merrick Garland|title=Confirmation hearing on nomination of Merrick Garland to the United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit |publisher=United States Senate|date=December 1, 1995}}; quote excerpted in: 
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://blogs.wsj.com/law/2016/03/16/judge-merrick-garland-in-his-own-words/|title=Judge Merrick Garland, In His Own Words|author=Joe Palazzolo|date=March 16, 2016|work=The Wall Street Journal}}

*Well, of course I have great personal affection for the justice for whom I clerked, Justice Brennan. 
**{{cite news|author=Merrick Garland|title=Confirmation hearing on nomination of Merrick Garland to the United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit |publisher=United States Senate|date=December 1, 1995}}; quote excerpted in: 
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://blogs.wsj.com/law/2016/03/16/judge-merrick-garland-in-his-own-words/|title=Judge Merrick Garland, In His Own Words|author=Joe Palazzolo|date=March 16, 2016|work=The Wall Street Journal}}

*I would say the one for which — the most admiration, is the one I just mentioned, Justice John Marshall, Chief Justice John Marshall who decided ''Marbury v. Madison'' and so deciding established that the constitution is the supreme law of the land. 
**{{cite news|author=Merrick Garland|title=Confirmation hearing on nomination of Merrick Garland to the United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit |publisher=United States Senate|date=December 1, 1995}}; quote excerpted in: 
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://blogs.wsj.com/law/2016/03/16/judge-merrick-garland-in-his-own-words/|title=Judge Merrick Garland, In His Own Words|author=Joe Palazzolo|date=March 16, 2016|work=The Wall Street Journal}}

*Everybody, I think, who hopes to become a judge would aspire to be able to write as well as Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes. None are going to be able to attain that. But I’ll try at least — if confirmed to be as brief and pithy as he is.
**{{cite news|author=Merrick Garland|title=Confirmation hearing on nomination of Merrick Garland to the United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit |publisher=United States Senate|date=December 1, 1995}}; quote excerpted in: 
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://blogs.wsj.com/law/2016/03/16/judge-merrick-garland-in-his-own-words/|title=Judge Merrick Garland, In His Own Words|author=Joe Palazzolo|date=March 16, 2016|work=The Wall Street Journal}}

*The great joy of being a prosecutor is that you don’t take whatever case walks in the door. You evaluate the case, you make your best judgement, you only go forward if you believe that the defendant is guilty. You may well be wrong, but you have done your best to ensure that as far as the evidence that you are able to attain, the person is guilty. It is the kind of even-handed balancing that a judge should undertake although of course a judge has the advantage of having somebody speak for the other side. 
**{{cite news|author=Merrick Garland|title=Confirmation hearing on nomination of Merrick Garland to the United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit |publisher=United States Senate|date=December 1, 1995}}; quote excerpted in: 
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://blogs.wsj.com/law/2016/03/16/judge-merrick-garland-in-his-own-words/|title=Judge Merrick Garland, In His Own Words|author=Joe Palazzolo|date=March 16, 2016|work=The Wall Street Journal}}

*I think there is no greater job anybody can have than having been a prosecutor.
**{{cite news|author=Merrick Garland|title=Confirmation hearing on nomination of Merrick Garland to the United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit |publisher=United States Senate|date=December 1, 1995}}; quote excerpted in: 
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://blogs.wsj.com/law/2016/03/16/judge-merrick-garland-in-his-own-words/|title=Judge Merrick Garland, In His Own Words|author=Joe Palazzolo|date=March 16, 2016|work=The Wall Street Journal}}

===Court opinions and media comments===
*Because nothing has transpired in the last half-century to suggest that the national interest in public disclosure of lobbying information is any less vital than it was when the Supreme Court first considered the issue, we reject that challenge.
**{{cite news|date=2009|work=National Association of Manufacturers v. Taylor|author=Merrick Garland}}; quote then cited in:
***{{cite news|url=http://legaltimes.typepad.com/blt/2009/09/appeals-court-rejects-challenge-to-lobbying-disclosures.html|accessdate=March 18, 2016|work=The BLT|title=Appeals Court Rejects Challenge to Lobbying Disclosures|date=September 8, 2009|author=Mike Scarcella}}; and also excerpted quote from this source, next cited in:
****{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=The Quotable Merrick Garland: A Collection of Writings and Remarks|url=http://www.nationallawjournal.com/home/id=1202752327128/The-Quotable-Merrick-Garland-A-Collection-of-Writings-and-Remarks|author=Zoe Tillman|work=[[w:The National Law Journal|The National Law Journal]]|date=March 16, 2016|issn=0162-7325}} 

*If the CIA is the emperor, you're asking us to say the emperor has clothes when the emperor's bosses say that the emperor doesn't. I mean, how can you ask the court to say that at this point?
**{{cite news|date=2012|work=ACLU v. CIA|author=Merrick Garland|title=Oral arguments|publisher=United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit}}; quote then excerpted in:
***{{cite news|author=Mike Scarcella|url=http://legaltimes.typepad.com/blt/2013/03/dc-circuit-revives-public-records-suit-over-drone-documents.html|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=D.C. Circuit Revives Public Records Suit Over Drone Documents|date=March 15, 2013|work=The BLT}}; quote then cited from this source subsequently in:
****{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=The Quotable Merrick Garland: A Collection of Writings and Remarks|url=http://www.nationallawjournal.com/home/id=1202752327128/The-Quotable-Merrick-Garland-A-Collection-of-Writings-and-Remarks|author=Zoe Tillman|work=[[w:The National Law Journal|The National Law Journal]]|date=March 16, 2016|issn=0162-7325}} 

*The CIA asked the courts to stretch that doctrine too far—to give their imprimatur to a fiction of deniability that no reasonable person would regard as plausible.
**{{cite news|work=ACLU v. CIA|url=https://www.cadc.uscourts.gov/internet/opinions.nsf/6471FF102FC611A685257B2F004DEA2A/$file/11-5320-1425559.pdf|accessdate=March 18, 2016|publisher=United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit|date=March 15, 2013|title=Opinion for the Court|author=Chief Judge Merrick Garland}}; quote then excerpted in:
***{{cite news|author=Mike Scarcella|url=http://legaltimes.typepad.com/blt/2013/03/dc-circuit-revives-public-records-suit-over-drone-documents.html|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=D.C. Circuit Revives Public Records Suit Over Drone Documents|date=March 15, 2013|work=The BLT}}; quote then cited from this source subsequently in:
****{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=The Quotable Merrick Garland: A Collection of Writings and Remarks|url=http://www.nationallawjournal.com/home/id=1202752327128/The-Quotable-Merrick-Garland-A-Collection-of-Writings-and-Remarks|author=Zoe Tillman|work=[[w:The National Law Journal|The National Law Journal]]|date=March 16, 2016|issn=0162-7325}} 

*But when I asked myself, as I often do: 'What would [[w:Henry Friendly|Judge Friendly]] have done?' 
**{{cite news|url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A5U6ekOfpi4|accessdate=March 18, 2016|author=Merrick Garland|title=Presentation of the Friendly Medal to William H. Webster|date=May 24, 2013|publisher=American Law Institute}} and also excerpted quote in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=The Quotable Merrick Garland: A Collection of Writings and Remarks|url=http://www.nationallawjournal.com/home/id=1202752327128/The-Quotable-Merrick-Garland-A-Collection-of-Writings-and-Remarks|author=Zoe Tillman|work=[[w:The National Law Journal|The National Law Journal]]|date=March 16, 2016|issn=0162-7325}} 

===DC Circuit Court Judge Panel, JRCLS International Law Conference (2013)===
*They tell you in Washington, that if you want a friend get a dog. Harry Truman said that. That is not true. Get a family. This is a hard place to be. No matter how much honor you have, people will attack you one way or the other. And the principle solace that you get is from your family. Because they’re behind you no matter what happens. So never forget about that. Whatever interests you have in your career, you have to balance it with a deep relationship with your family.
**{{cite news|author=Merrick Garland|url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7U1a8pYMJDM|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=Life Lessons Learned|work=DC Circuit Court Judge Panel, JRCLS International Law Conference|date=February 15, 2013|location=Georgetown University Law Center}}; also excerpted quote in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=The Quotable Merrick Garland: A Collection of Writings and Remarks|url=http://www.nationallawjournal.com/home/id=1202752327128/The-Quotable-Merrick-Garland-A-Collection-of-Writings-and-Remarks|author=Zoe Tillman|work=[[w:The National Law Journal|The National Law Journal]]|date=March 16, 2016|issn=0162-7325}}

*The hard things are when you have to make your friends disappointed because you think you’re required, for example, by the law to do something that maybe is different than what you would do as a matter of public policy.
**{{cite news|author=Merrick Garland|url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7U1a8pYMJDM|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=Life Lessons Learned|work=DC Circuit Court Judge Panel, JRCLS International Law Conference|date=February 15, 2013|location=Georgetown University Law Center}}; also excerpted quote in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=The Quotable Merrick Garland: A Collection of Writings and Remarks|url=http://www.nationallawjournal.com/home/id=1202752327128/The-Quotable-Merrick-Garland-A-Collection-of-Writings-and-Remarks|author=Zoe Tillman|work=[[w:The National Law Journal|The National Law Journal]]|date=March 16, 2016|issn=0162-7325}}

*For myself the balance came from always driving my children to school. So that every day we had that first half-hour, 45 minutes of nothing but uninterrupted time. Sometimes it was just a bunch of sarcasm. Sometimes it was just listening to the radio. But sometimes it was real explanation of what the kids were thinking what they were worried about.
**{{cite news|author=Merrick Garland|url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7U1a8pYMJDM|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=Life Lessons Learned|work=DC Circuit Court Judge Panel, JRCLS International Law Conference|date=February 15, 2013|location=Georgetown University Law Center}}; also excerpted quote in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=The Quotable Merrick Garland: A Collection of Writings and Remarks|url=http://www.nationallawjournal.com/home/id=1202752327128/The-Quotable-Merrick-Garland-A-Collection-of-Writings-and-Remarks|author=Zoe Tillman|work=[[w:The National Law Journal|The National Law Journal]]|date=March 16, 2016|issn=0162-7325}}

*The most important thing that a clerk can do for a judge, I tell my clerks, is to prevent me from jumping off the cliff if I don’t want to. That is, sometimes I don’t realize there’s a cliff there at all, that the implications of what I’m doing are really totally wrong, and that sometimes it takes another person or two other people to warn me that you’re just not reading this case correctly, or you’re just not understanding the implications of what a decision in this way would be.”
**{{cite news|author=Merrick Garland|url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7U1a8pYMJDM|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=Life Lessons Learned|work=DC Circuit Court Judge Panel, JRCLS International Law Conference|date=February 15, 2013|location=Georgetown University Law Center}}; also excerpted quote in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=The Quotable Merrick Garland: A Collection of Writings and Remarks|url=http://www.nationallawjournal.com/home/id=1202752327128/The-Quotable-Merrick-Garland-A-Collection-of-Writings-and-Remarks|author=Zoe Tillman|work=[[w:The National Law Journal|The National Law Journal]]|date=March 16, 2016|issn=0162-7325}}

===Remarks by Judge Garland upon nomination to Supreme Court of the United States (2016)===
[[File:The President Announces Chief Judge Merrick Garland as His Supreme Court Nominee.webm|thumb|Trust that justice will be done in our courts without prejudice or partisanship is what, in a large part, distinguishes this country from others.]]

*As my parents taught me by both words and deeds, a life of public service is as much a gift to the person who serves as it is to those he is serving. And for me, there could be no higher public service than serving as a member of the United States Supreme Court.
**{{cite news|title=Remarks by the President Announcing Judge Merrick Garland as his Nominee to the Supreme Court|first=Merrick|last=Garland|authorlink=w:Merrick Garland|work=The White House|date=March 16, 2016|url=https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Remarks_by_the_President_Announcing_Judge_Merrick_Garland_as_his_Nominee_to_the_Supreme_Court#Remarks_by_Judge_Garland}}; quote then excerpted in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://chicagotonight.wttw.com/2016/03/16/obama-taps-chicago-native-merrick-garland-supreme-court|title=Obama Taps Chicago Native Merrick Garland for Supreme Court|author=Paris Schutz|date=March 16, 2016|work=WTTW}}; and also quote excerpted in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://www.upi.com/Top_News/US/2016/03/16/President-Obama-to-reveal-Supreme-Court-nominee/7221458128542/|work=United Press International|title=Merrick Garland: Supreme Court nomination 'greatest honor of my life'|date=March 16, 2016|author=Andrew V. Pestano}}; and quote again also excerpted in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://www.npr.org/2016/03/16/470684460/will-garlands-nomination-prompt-senate-to-act|work=Morning Edition|publisher=National Public Radio|date=March 16, 2016|author=Renee Montagne|title=Judge Garland Has Ability To 'Assemble Unlikely Coalitions,' Obama Says}}

*Trust that justice will be done in our courts without prejudice or partisanship is what, in a large part, distinguishes this country from others. 
**{{cite news|title=Remarks by the President Announcing Judge Merrick Garland as his Nominee to the Supreme Court|first=Merrick|last=Garland|authorlink=w:Merrick Garland|work=The White House|date=March 16, 2016|url=https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Remarks_by_the_President_Announcing_Judge_Merrick_Garland_as_his_Nominee_to_the_Supreme_Court#Remarks_by_Judge_Garland}}; quote then excerpted in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://www.thestandard.com.hk/section-news.php?id=167418|title=Obama warns foes on top court pick|date=March 18, 2016|work=[[w:The Standard (Hong Kong)|The Standard]]}}

*People must be confident that a judge’s decisions are determined by the law, and only the law. 
**{{cite news|title=Remarks by the President Announcing Judge Merrick Garland as his Nominee to the Supreme Court|first=Merrick|last=Garland|authorlink=w:Merrick Garland|work=The White House|date=March 16, 2016|url=https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Remarks_by_the_President_Announcing_Judge_Merrick_Garland_as_his_Nominee_to_the_Supreme_Court#Remarks_by_Judge_Garland}}; quote then excerpted in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|work=ABC News|url=http://abcnews.go.com/News/merrick-garland-supreme-court-nomination-greatest-honor-life/story?id=37692486|title=Merrick Garland: Supreme Court Nomination 'Greatest Honor of My Life'|date=March 16, 2016|author=Margaret Chadbourn}}; and quote also excerpted in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|work=The Guardian|url=http://www.theguardian.com/law/2016/mar/17/black-judge-effect-race-bias-overturning-court-cases|title='Black judge effect': study of overturning rates questions if justice is really blind|author=Rose Hackman}}

*For a judge to be worthy of such trust, he or she must be faithful to the Constitution and to the statutes passed by the Congress. He or she must put aside his personal views or preferences, and follow the law -- not make it.
**{{cite news|title=Remarks by the President Announcing Judge Merrick Garland as his Nominee to the Supreme Court|first=Merrick|last=Garland|authorlink=w:Merrick Garland|work=The White House|date=March 16, 2016|url=https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Remarks_by_the_President_Announcing_Judge_Merrick_Garland_as_his_Nominee_to_the_Supreme_Court#Remarks_by_Judge_Garland}}; quote then excerpted in:
***{{cite news|url=http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2016/03/16/obama-supreme-court-nomination/81824982/|work=USA Today|accessdate=March 18, 2016|date=March 17, 2016|title=Obama: Merrick Garland qualified to serve on Supreme Court immediately|author=Gregory Korte}}; and quote also excerpted in source:
***{{cite news|url=http://edition.cnn.com/2016/03/16/politics/who-is-merrick-garland/index.html?eref=rss_politics|work=CNN|date=March 16, 2016|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=Who is Merrick Garland?|author=Ariane De Vogue and Tami Luhby}}

*Fidelity to the Constitution and the law has been the cornerstone of my professional life, and it’s the hallmark of the kind of judge I have tried to be for the past 18 years. If the Senate sees fit to confirm me to the position for which I have been nominated today, I promise to continue on that course.
**{{cite news|title=Remarks by the President Announcing Judge Merrick Garland as his Nominee to the Supreme Court|first=Merrick|last=Garland|authorlink=w:Merrick Garland|work=The White House|date=March 16, 2016|url=https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Remarks_by_the_President_Announcing_Judge_Merrick_Garland_as_his_Nominee_to_the_Supreme_Court#Remarks_by_Judge_Garland}}; quote then excerpted in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://variety.com/2016/biz/news/obama-merrick-garland-supreme-court-1201731565/|work=Variety|title=President Obama Nominates Judge Merrick Garland for Supreme Court|author=Ted Johnson|date=March 16, 2016}}; and also excerpted in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|work=The Texas Tribune|url=http://www.texastribune.org/2016/03/16/president-nominates-merrick-garland-supreme-court/|date=March 16, 2016|title=In Texas, Obama's Nominee May Draw Attention for EPA Rulings|author=Jordan Rudner}}; and quote also excerpted in source:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://time.com/4261007/merrick-garland-supreme-court-barack-obama/|work=Time|title=President Obama Nominates Merrick Garland for Supreme Court|date=March 16, 2016|author=Katie Reilly and Maya Rhodan}}

*This is the greatest honor of my life, other than Lynn agreeing to marry me 28 years ago. It's also the greatest gift I have ever received except, and there's another caveat, the birth of our daughters.
**{{cite news|title=Remarks by the President Announcing Judge Merrick Garland as his Nominee to the Supreme Court|first=Merrick|last=Garland|authorlink=w:Merrick Garland|work=The White House|date=March 16, 2016|url=https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Remarks_by_the_President_Announcing_Judge_Merrick_Garland_as_his_Nominee_to_the_Supreme_Court#Remarks_by_Judge_Garland}}; quote then excerpted in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/wireStory/key-quotes-obamas-nomination-merrick-garland-37695552|work=ABC News|title=Quotes on Obama's Nomination of Merrick Garland|author=Associated Press|date=March 16, 2016}}
=== Remarks on the First Anniversary of the Attack on the Capitol (2022) ===
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.justice.gov/opa/speech/attorney-general-merrick-b-garland-delivers-remarks-first-anniversary-attack-capitol Remarks on the First Anniversary of the Attack on the Capitol (5 January 2022)] · [https://www.c-span.org/video/?517045-1/attorney-general-garland-pledges-hold-january-6-attack-perpetrators-accountable C-SPAN video]&lt;/small&gt;

* As we begin a new year — and as we prepare to mark a solemn anniversary tomorrow – it is a fitting time to reaffirm that we at the Department of Justice will do everything in our power to defend the American people and American democracy. &lt;br /&gt; We will defend our democratic institutions from attack. &lt;br /&gt; We will protect those who serve the public from violence and threats of violence. &lt;br /&gt; We will protect the cornerstone of our democracy: the right to every eligible citizen to cast a vote that counts. &lt;br /&gt; And we will do all of this in a manner that adheres to the rule of law and honors our obligation to protect the civil rights and civil liberties of everyone in this country. 

* The Justice Department remains committed to holding all [[2021 United States Capitol attack|January 6th perpetrators]], at any level, [[accountable]] under [[law]] — whether they were present that day or were otherwise [[criminally]] [[responsible]] for the assault on our [[democracy]]. We will follow the [[facts]] wherever they lead. &lt;br /&gt; Because January 6th was an unprecedented attack on the seat of our democracy, we [[understand]] that there is broad public interest in our investigation. We understand that there are questions about how long the investigation will take, and about what exactly we are doing. &lt;br /&gt; Our answer is, and will continue to be, the same answer we would give with respect to any ongoing investigation: as long as it takes and whatever it takes for [[justice]] to be done — consistent with the facts and the law.

=== Remarks on the search of Donald Trump's mansion (2022) ===
[[File:Seal of the United States Department of Justice.svg|thumb|[[Faithful]] adherence to the [[rule of law]] is the bedrock [[principle]] of the Justice Department and of our [[democracy]]. Upholding the rule of law means applying the law evenly, without [[fear]] or [[favor]]. Under my watch, that is precisely what the Justice Department is doing.]]
:&lt;small&gt; [https://www.justice.gov/opa/speech/attorney-general-merrick-garland-delivers-remarks Attorney General Merrick Garland Delivers Remarks (11 August 2022)]&lt;!-- also quoted in [https://edition.cnn.com/2022/08/11/politics/garland-trump-mar-a-lago-search-bluff/index.html &quot;Merrick Garland just called Donald Trump's bluff&quot; CNN (11 August 2022)] --&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Attorney General Merrick Garland Delivers Remarks Announcing Motion to Unseal Search Warrant.webm|thumb|Much of our [[work]] is by [[necessity]] conducted out of the public eye. We do that to [[protect]] the constitutional [[rights]] of all Americans and to protect the [[integrity]] of our investigations.]]

* Since I became attorney general, '''I have made clear that the [[w:United States Department of Justice|Department of Justice]] will speak through its court filings and its work.''' &lt;br /&gt; Just now, the Justice Department has filed a motion in the Southern District of Florida to unseal a search warrant and property receipt relating to a court approved search that the FBI conducted earlier this week. That search was a premises located in Florida, belonging to the former president. '''The department did not make any public statements on the day of the search.''' &lt;br /&gt; The former president publicly confirmed the search that evening, as is his right. '''Copies of both the warrant and the FBI property receipt were provided on the day of the search to the former president's counsel, who was on site during the search.''' &lt;br /&gt; The search warrant was authorized by a federal court upon the required finding of probable cause. The property receipt is a document that federal law requires law enforcement agents to leave with the property owner. '''The department filed the motion to make public the warrant and receipt in light of the former president's public confirmation with the search, the surrounding circumstances and the substantial public interest in this matter.'''

* '''[[Faithful]] adherence to the [[rule of law]] is the bedrock [[principle]] of the Justice Department and of our [[democracy]]. Upholding the rule of law means applying the law evenly, without [[fear]] or [[favor]].''' Under my watch, that is precisely what the Justice Department is doing. &lt;br /&gt; '''All [[Americans]] are entitled to the even handed application of the [[law]], to [[due process]] of the law, and to the presumption of [[innocence]]. Much of our [[work]] is by [[necessity]] conducted out of the public eye. We do that to [[protect]] the constitutional [[rights]] of all Americans and to protect the [[integrity]] of our investigations.''' &lt;br /&gt; Federal law, long standing department rules and our ethical obligations prevent me from providing further details as to the basis of the search at this time. There are however, certain points I want you to know. &lt;br /&gt; First, '''I personally approved the decision to seek a search warrant in this matter.''' Second, the department does not take such a decision lightly. Where possible, it is standard practice to seek less intrusive means as an alternative to a search, and to narrowly scope any search that is undertaken. &lt;br /&gt; Third, '''let me address recent unfounded attacks on the professionalism of the [[FBI]] and Justice Department agents and prosecutors. I will not stand by silently when their integrity is unfairly attacked.''' &lt;br /&gt; The men and women of the FBI and the Justice Department are [[dedicated]], [[patriotic]] public servants. Every day, they protect the American people from violent [[crime]], [[terrorism]] and other threats to their safety, while safeguarding our [[civil rights]]. They do so at great personal sacrifice and risk to themselves. I am honored to work alongside them. &lt;br /&gt; '''This is all I can say right [[now]]. More [[information]] will be made available in the appropriate way and at the appropriate [[time]].'''

{{clear}}

==Quotes about Garland==
[[File:Chuck Grassley official photo.jpg|thumb|upright|Mr. Garland seems to be well qualified and would probably make a good judge -- in some other court. &amp;mdash; [[Chuck Grassley]]]]

*Merrick is a very very smart and experienced attorney, but has a demeanor that is very soft spoken and considerate.
**[[w:Michael Chertoff|Michael Chertoff]], [[w:United States Secretary of Homeland Security|United States Secretary of Homeland Security]] for [[George W. Bush]] &amp;mdash; interviewed in: {{cite news|url=http://www.wbur.org/2016/03/16/michael-chertoff-garland|accessdate=March 18, 2016|date=March 16, 2016|work=WBUR News|title=Michael Chertoff On His Friend And Colleague, Supreme Court Nominee Merrick Garland|author=Lisa Mullins and Lynn Jolioceur|archiveurl=https://web.archive.org/web/20160318002034/http://www.wbur.org/2016/03/16/michael-chertoff-garland|archivedate=March 18, 2016}}

*I consider [Garland] a moderate and thoughtful and excellent judge.
**[[w:Miguel Estrada|Miguel Estrada]], nominated by [[George W. Bush]] to [[w:United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit|United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit]] &amp;mdash; interviewed in: {{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://www.politico.com/story/2016/03/merrick-garland-supreme-court-opinions-220902|work=Politico|title=Garland’s lack of standout opinions a boon in confirmation fight|author=Josh Gerstein|archivedate=March 18, 2016|archiveurl=https://web.archive.org/web/20160318002515/http://www.politico.com/story/2016/03/merrick-garland-supreme-court-opinions-220902|date=March 16, 2016}}

*Judge Garland has a reputation for integrity.
**[[Alberto Gonzales]], former [[w:United States Attorney General|United States Attorney General]] for [[George W. Bush]] &amp;mdash; {{cite news|url=http://www.usatoday.com/story/opinion/2016/03/16/obama-supreme-court-nominee-merrick-garland-senate-republicans-fight-column/81828300/|accessdate=March 18, 2016|date=March 16, 2016|author=[[Alberto Gonzales]]|title=Alberto Gonzales: Give Judge Garland a vote|work=USA Today}}

*Mr. Garland seems to be well qualified and would probably make a good judge -- in some other court.
**[[Chuck Grassley]], [[w:Republican Party (United States)|Republican]] United States Senator from Iowa &amp;mdash; quoted in: {{cite news|url=https://www.congress.gov/crec/1997/03/19/CREC-1997-03-19-senate.pdf|work=Congressional Record|accessdate=March 18, 2016|date=March 19, 1997|volume=143|issue=36|page=S2491|publisher=United States Senate|title=Proceedings and Debates of the 105th Congress, First Session; Washington, Wednesday, March 19, 1997}}

*I know him personally, I know of his integrity, I know of his legal ability, I know of his honesty, I know of his acumen, and he belongs on the court.
**[[Orrin Hatch]], [[w:Republican Party (United States)|Republican]] United States Senator from Utah &amp;mdash; quoted in: {{cite news|url=https://www.congress.gov/crec/1997/03/19/CREC-1997-03-19-senate.pdf|work=Congressional Record|accessdate=March 18, 2016|date=March 19, 1997|volume=143|issue=36|page=S2491|publisher=United States Senate|title=Proceedings and Debates of the 105th Congress, First Session; Washington, Wednesday, March 19, 1997}}

* [[President Obama]] and his allies may now try to pretend this disagreement is about a person.  The decision the [[Senate]] announced weeks ago remains about a principle, not a person.
** [[Mitch McConnell  ]] &quot;[https://www.politico.com/news/2021/02/23/mcconnell-merrick-garland-attorney-general-471177 McConnell to support Garland for attorney general]&quot; (February 23, 2021)

*Any time Judge Garland disagrees, you know you’re in a difficult area.
**[[John Roberts]], [[w:Chief Justice of the United States Supreme Court|Chief Justice of the United States Supreme Court]], statement at his 2005 nomination hearings &amp;mdash; cited in: {{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://www.politico.com/story/2016/03/merrick-garland-supreme-court-opinions-220902|work=Politico|title=Garland’s lack of standout opinions a boon in confirmation fight|author=Josh Gerstein|archivedate=March 18, 2016|archiveurl=https://web.archive.org/web/20160318002515/http://www.politico.com/story/2016/03/merrick-garland-supreme-court-opinions-220902|date=March 16, 2016}} and cited in {{cite news|url=http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/09/14/AR2005091401451.html|work=The Washington Post|title=Transcript: Day Three of the Roberts Confirmation Hearings|date=September 14, 2005|accessdate=March 18, 2016}}

*By all accounts, he is a fine person and an able lawyer. He does have a very good job with the U.S. Department of Justice.
**[[Jeff Sessions]], [[w:Republican Party (United States)|Republican]] United States Senator from Alabama &amp;mdash; quoted in: {{cite news|url=https://www.congress.gov/crec/1997/03/19/CREC-1997-03-19-senate.pdf|work=Congressional Record|accessdate=March 18, 2016|date=March 19, 1997|volume=143|issue=36|page=S2491|publisher=United States Senate|title=Proceedings and Debates of the 105th Congress, First Session; Washington, Wednesday, March 19, 1997}}
*Chief Judge Garland is a brilliant jurist who believes in and upholds the rule of law undergirding our constitutional republic.
**[[w:Ken Starr|Ken Starr]], former [[w:United States Solicitor General|United States Solicitor General]] for [[George H.W. Bush]] &amp;mdash; {{cite news|url=http://www.baylor.edu/mediacommunications/news.php?action=story&amp;story=166915|accessdate=March 18, 2016|date=March 16, 2016|author=Ken Starr|authorlink=w:Ken Starr|title=Judge Starr Personal Statement on Nomination of Judge Merrick Garland to the U.S. Supreme Court|work=Baylor University Media Communications|publisher=Baylor University}}

*I have no doubt that Mr. Garland is a man of character and integrity.
**[[w:Strom Thurmond|Strom Thurmond]], [[w:Republican Party (United States)|Republican]] United States Senator from South Carolina &amp;mdash; quoted in: {{cite news|url=https://www.congress.gov/crec/1997/03/19/CREC-1997-03-19-senate.pdf|work=Congressional Record|accessdate=March 18, 2016|date=March 19, 1997|volume=143|issue=36|page=S2491|publisher=United States Senate|title=Proceedings and Debates of the 105th Congress, First Session; Washington, Wednesday, March 19, 1997}}

* MADDOW: Do you have confidence in the Attorney General Garland`s judgment, and to his commitments, to finding a way to meeting the challenge this lawsuit
* TRIBE: Very much. I`ve known him for years. He was my student. I know a lot of people would like him to move more quickly. I get impatient myself sometimes, and I haven`t been easy on him.
** American legal scholar [[Lawrence Tribe]] in an MSNBC interview with [[Rachel Maddow]] in connection with [[Texas anti-abortion law]]
*I have very high regard for his intellect and his decency.
**[[w:Edward Whelan (American lawyer)|Ed Whelan]], former law clerk to United States Supreme Court Associate Justice [[Antonin Scalia]] &amp;mdash; {{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://www.nationalreview.com/bench-memos/432870/merrick-garland|work=National Review|title=On Merrick Garland|author=Ed Whelan|authorlink=w:Edward Whelan (American lawyer)|date=March 16, 2016}}

==See also==
*[[Anthony Kennedy]]
*[[District of Columbia]]
*[[Judges]]
*[[Judiciary]]
*[[Supreme Court of the United States]]
*[[United States Senate]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Merrick Garland}}
{{commons|Merrick Garland}}
{{wikisource|Author:Merrick Brian Garland}}
*[http://www.c-span.org/person/?merrickbgarland Appearances] on [[w:C-SPAN|C-SPAN]]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Garland, Merrick}}
[[Category:1952 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Judges from the United States]]
[[Category:American Jews]]
[[Category:United States Attorneys General]]
[[Category:Lawyers from the United States]]
[[Category:Harvard University alumni]]
[[Category:People from Chicago]]</text>
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      <text bytes="38453" xml:space="preserve">[[File:2016 March 16 Merrick Garland profile by The White House.jpg|thumb|As my parents taught me by both words and deeds, a life of public service is as much a gift to the person who serves as it is to those he is serving.]]
'''[[w:Merrick Garland|Merrick Brian Garland]]''' (born November 13, 1952) is an American attorney and jurist serving as the 86th [[w:United States Attorney General|United States attorney general]] since March 2021. He served as a [[w:United States federal judge|United States circuit judge]] of the [[w:United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit|United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit]] from 1997 to 2021.

After serving as a [[w:law clerk|law clerk]] to Judge [[w:Henry J. Friendly|Henry J. Friendly]] of the [[w:United States Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit|United States Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit]] and Justice [[William J. Brennan Jr.]] of the [[Supreme Court of the United States]], he practiced corporate litigation at [[w:Arnold &amp; Porter|Arnold &amp; Porter]] and worked as a federal prosecutor in the [[w:United States Department of Justice|United States Department of Justice]], where he played a leading role in the investigation and prosecution of the [[w:Oklahoma City bombing|Oklahoma City bombers]].

President [[Barack Obama]], a [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democrat]], [[w:Merrick Garland Supreme Court nomination|nominated]] Garland to serve as an [[w:Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States|associate justice of the Supreme Court]] in March 2016 to fill the vacancy created by the death of [[Antonin Scalia]]. However, the [[w:United States Senate Republican Conference|Republican Senate majority]] refused to hold a hearing or vote on his nomination. [Shree Arjun Maurya Indian vidyalaya party delhi india]

==Quotes==
&lt;small&gt;''Note: All quotes have secondary sources where they were excerpted and then re-cited by subsequent sources.''&lt;/small&gt;

* This kind of scheme to nullify the Constitution of the United States is one that all Americans, whatever their politics or party, should fear. If it prevails, it may become a model for action, in other areas, by other states and with respect to other constitutional rights and judicial precedents
** &quot;[https://www.axios.com/justice-department-lawsuit-texas-abortion-ban-4f282cfc-5594-4f84-a37e-7bbc85a90c7b.html Justice Department is suing Texas over [[new abortion ban]]]&quot; (September 9,2021)

===Confirmation hearing on nomination to United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit (1995)===
[[File:1997 March 19 United States Senate comments on Merrick Garland in Congressional Record.pdf|thumb|The role of the court is to apply law to the facts of the case before it … not to legislate, not to arrogate to itself the executive power, not to hand down advisory opinion on the issues of the day.]]
*The role of the court is to apply law to the facts of the case before it … not to legislate, not to arrogate to itself the executive power, not to hand down advisory opinion on the issues of the day.
**{{cite news|author=Merrick Garland|title=Confirmation hearing on nomination of Merrick Garland to the United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit |publisher=United States Senate|date=December 1, 1995}}; quote excerpted in: 
***{{cite news|url=http://www.scotusblog.com/2010/04/the-potential-nomination-of-merrick-garland/|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=The Potential Nomination of Merrick Garland|work=[[w:SCOTUSblog|SCOTUSblog]]|author=Tom Goldstein|date=April 26, 2010}} and also excerpted quote from this source, next cited in:
****{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=The Quotable Merrick Garland: A Collection of Writings and Remarks|url=http://www.nationallawjournal.com/home/id=1202752327128/The-Quotable-Merrick-Garland-A-Collection-of-Writings-and-Remarks|author=Zoe Tillman|work=[[w:The National Law Journal|The National Law Journal]]|date=March 16, 2016|issn=0162-7325}} 

*The constitution sets all three branches out as co-equal. The obligation of the judicial branch — as far back as the decision in ''Marbury v. Madison'' — is to review the constitutionality and legality of actions by the other branches. And that is its only job, to decide cases and controversies in front of it under article three.
**{{cite news|author=Merrick Garland|title=Confirmation hearing on nomination of Merrick Garland to the United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit |publisher=United States Senate|date=December 1, 1995}}; quote excerpted in: 
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://blogs.wsj.com/law/2016/03/16/judge-merrick-garland-in-his-own-words/|title=Judge Merrick Garland, In His Own Words|author=Joe Palazzolo|date=March 16, 2016|work=The Wall Street Journal}}

*Well, of course I have great personal affection for the justice for whom I clerked, Justice Brennan. 
**{{cite news|author=Merrick Garland|title=Confirmation hearing on nomination of Merrick Garland to the United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit |publisher=United States Senate|date=December 1, 1995}}; quote excerpted in: 
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://blogs.wsj.com/law/2016/03/16/judge-merrick-garland-in-his-own-words/|title=Judge Merrick Garland, In His Own Words|author=Joe Palazzolo|date=March 16, 2016|work=The Wall Street Journal}}

*I would say the one for which — the most admiration, is the one I just mentioned, Justice John Marshall, Chief Justice John Marshall who decided ''Marbury v. Madison'' and so deciding established that the constitution is the supreme law of the land. 
**{{cite news|author=Merrick Garland|title=Confirmation hearing on nomination of Merrick Garland to the United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit |publisher=United States Senate|date=December 1, 1995}}; quote excerpted in: 
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://blogs.wsj.com/law/2016/03/16/judge-merrick-garland-in-his-own-words/|title=Judge Merrick Garland, In His Own Words|author=Joe Palazzolo|date=March 16, 2016|work=The Wall Street Journal}}

*Everybody, I think, who hopes to become a judge would aspire to be able to write as well as Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes. None are going to be able to attain that. But I’ll try at least — if confirmed to be as brief and pithy as he is.
**{{cite news|author=Merrick Garland|title=Confirmation hearing on nomination of Merrick Garland to the United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit |publisher=United States Senate|date=December 1, 1995}}; quote excerpted in: 
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://blogs.wsj.com/law/2016/03/16/judge-merrick-garland-in-his-own-words/|title=Judge Merrick Garland, In His Own Words|author=Joe Palazzolo|date=March 16, 2016|work=The Wall Street Journal}}

*The great joy of being a prosecutor is that you don’t take whatever case walks in the door. You evaluate the case, you make your best judgement, you only go forward if you believe that the defendant is guilty. You may well be wrong, but you have done your best to ensure that as far as the evidence that you are able to attain, the person is guilty. It is the kind of even-handed balancing that a judge should undertake although of course a judge has the advantage of having somebody speak for the other side. 
**{{cite news|author=Merrick Garland|title=Confirmation hearing on nomination of Merrick Garland to the United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit |publisher=United States Senate|date=December 1, 1995}}; quote excerpted in: 
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://blogs.wsj.com/law/2016/03/16/judge-merrick-garland-in-his-own-words/|title=Judge Merrick Garland, In His Own Words|author=Joe Palazzolo|date=March 16, 2016|work=The Wall Street Journal}}

*I think there is no greater job anybody can have than having been a prosecutor.
**{{cite news|author=Merrick Garland|title=Confirmation hearing on nomination of Merrick Garland to the United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit |publisher=United States Senate|date=December 1, 1995}}; quote excerpted in: 
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://blogs.wsj.com/law/2016/03/16/judge-merrick-garland-in-his-own-words/|title=Judge Merrick Garland, In His Own Words|author=Joe Palazzolo|date=March 16, 2016|work=The Wall Street Journal}}

===Court opinions and media comments===
*Because nothing has transpired in the last half-century to suggest that the national interest in public disclosure of lobbying information is any less vital than it was when the Supreme Court first considered the issue, we reject that challenge.
**{{cite news|date=2009|work=National Association of Manufacturers v. Taylor|author=Merrick Garland}}; quote then cited in:
***{{cite news|url=http://legaltimes.typepad.com/blt/2009/09/appeals-court-rejects-challenge-to-lobbying-disclosures.html|accessdate=March 18, 2016|work=The BLT|title=Appeals Court Rejects Challenge to Lobbying Disclosures|date=September 8, 2009|author=Mike Scarcella}}; and also excerpted quote from this source, next cited in:
****{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=The Quotable Merrick Garland: A Collection of Writings and Remarks|url=http://www.nationallawjournal.com/home/id=1202752327128/The-Quotable-Merrick-Garland-A-Collection-of-Writings-and-Remarks|author=Zoe Tillman|work=[[w:The National Law Journal|The National Law Journal]]|date=March 16, 2016|issn=0162-7325}} 

*If the CIA is the emperor, you're asking us to say the emperor has clothes when the emperor's bosses say that the emperor doesn't. I mean, how can you ask the court to say that at this point?
**{{cite news|date=2012|work=ACLU v. CIA|author=Merrick Garland|title=Oral arguments|publisher=United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit}}; quote then excerpted in:
***{{cite news|author=Mike Scarcella|url=http://legaltimes.typepad.com/blt/2013/03/dc-circuit-revives-public-records-suit-over-drone-documents.html|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=D.C. Circuit Revives Public Records Suit Over Drone Documents|date=March 15, 2013|work=The BLT}}; quote then cited from this source subsequently in:
****{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=The Quotable Merrick Garland: A Collection of Writings and Remarks|url=http://www.nationallawjournal.com/home/id=1202752327128/The-Quotable-Merrick-Garland-A-Collection-of-Writings-and-Remarks|author=Zoe Tillman|work=[[w:The National Law Journal|The National Law Journal]]|date=March 16, 2016|issn=0162-7325}} 

*The CIA asked the courts to stretch that doctrine too far—to give their imprimatur to a fiction of deniability that no reasonable person would regard as plausible.
**{{cite news|work=ACLU v. CIA|url=https://www.cadc.uscourts.gov/internet/opinions.nsf/6471FF102FC611A685257B2F004DEA2A/$file/11-5320-1425559.pdf|accessdate=March 18, 2016|publisher=United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit|date=March 15, 2013|title=Opinion for the Court|author=Chief Judge Merrick Garland}}; quote then excerpted in:
***{{cite news|author=Mike Scarcella|url=http://legaltimes.typepad.com/blt/2013/03/dc-circuit-revives-public-records-suit-over-drone-documents.html|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=D.C. Circuit Revives Public Records Suit Over Drone Documents|date=March 15, 2013|work=The BLT}}; quote then cited from this source subsequently in:
****{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=The Quotable Merrick Garland: A Collection of Writings and Remarks|url=http://www.nationallawjournal.com/home/id=1202752327128/The-Quotable-Merrick-Garland-A-Collection-of-Writings-and-Remarks|author=Zoe Tillman|work=[[w:The National Law Journal|The National Law Journal]]|date=March 16, 2016|issn=0162-7325}} 

*But when I asked myself, as I often do: 'What would [[w:Henry Friendly|Judge Friendly]] have done?' 
**{{cite news|url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A5U6ekOfpi4|accessdate=March 18, 2016|author=Merrick Garland|title=Presentation of the Friendly Medal to William H. Webster|date=May 24, 2013|publisher=American Law Institute}} and also excerpted quote in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=The Quotable Merrick Garland: A Collection of Writings and Remarks|url=http://www.nationallawjournal.com/home/id=1202752327128/The-Quotable-Merrick-Garland-A-Collection-of-Writings-and-Remarks|author=Zoe Tillman|work=[[w:The National Law Journal|The National Law Journal]]|date=March 16, 2016|issn=0162-7325}} 

===DC Circuit Court Judge Panel, JRCLS International Law Conference (2013)===
*They tell you in Washington, that if you want a friend get a dog. Harry Truman said that. That is not true. Get a family. This is a hard place to be. No matter how much honor you have, people will attack you one way or the other. And the principle solace that you get is from your family. Because they’re behind you no matter what happens. So never forget about that. Whatever interests you have in your career, you have to balance it with a deep relationship with your family.
**{{cite news|author=Merrick Garland|url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7U1a8pYMJDM|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=Life Lessons Learned|work=DC Circuit Court Judge Panel, JRCLS International Law Conference|date=February 15, 2013|location=Georgetown University Law Center}}; also excerpted quote in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=The Quotable Merrick Garland: A Collection of Writings and Remarks|url=http://www.nationallawjournal.com/home/id=1202752327128/The-Quotable-Merrick-Garland-A-Collection-of-Writings-and-Remarks|author=Zoe Tillman|work=[[w:The National Law Journal|The National Law Journal]]|date=March 16, 2016|issn=0162-7325}}

*The hard things are when you have to make your friends disappointed because you think you’re required, for example, by the law to do something that maybe is different than what you would do as a matter of public policy.
**{{cite news|author=Merrick Garland|url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7U1a8pYMJDM|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=Life Lessons Learned|work=DC Circuit Court Judge Panel, JRCLS International Law Conference|date=February 15, 2013|location=Georgetown University Law Center}}; also excerpted quote in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=The Quotable Merrick Garland: A Collection of Writings and Remarks|url=http://www.nationallawjournal.com/home/id=1202752327128/The-Quotable-Merrick-Garland-A-Collection-of-Writings-and-Remarks|author=Zoe Tillman|work=[[w:The National Law Journal|The National Law Journal]]|date=March 16, 2016|issn=0162-7325}}

*For myself the balance came from always driving my children to school. So that every day we had that first half-hour, 45 minutes of nothing but uninterrupted time. Sometimes it was just a bunch of sarcasm. Sometimes it was just listening to the radio. But sometimes it was real explanation of what the kids were thinking what they were worried about.
**{{cite news|author=Merrick Garland|url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7U1a8pYMJDM|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=Life Lessons Learned|work=DC Circuit Court Judge Panel, JRCLS International Law Conference|date=February 15, 2013|location=Georgetown University Law Center}}; also excerpted quote in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=The Quotable Merrick Garland: A Collection of Writings and Remarks|url=http://www.nationallawjournal.com/home/id=1202752327128/The-Quotable-Merrick-Garland-A-Collection-of-Writings-and-Remarks|author=Zoe Tillman|work=[[w:The National Law Journal|The National Law Journal]]|date=March 16, 2016|issn=0162-7325}}

*The most important thing that a clerk can do for a judge, I tell my clerks, is to prevent me from jumping off the cliff if I don’t want to. That is, sometimes I don’t realize there’s a cliff there at all, that the implications of what I’m doing are really totally wrong, and that sometimes it takes another person or two other people to warn me that you’re just not reading this case correctly, or you’re just not understanding the implications of what a decision in this way would be.”
**{{cite news|author=Merrick Garland|url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7U1a8pYMJDM|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=Life Lessons Learned|work=DC Circuit Court Judge Panel, JRCLS International Law Conference|date=February 15, 2013|location=Georgetown University Law Center}}; also excerpted quote in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=The Quotable Merrick Garland: A Collection of Writings and Remarks|url=http://www.nationallawjournal.com/home/id=1202752327128/The-Quotable-Merrick-Garland-A-Collection-of-Writings-and-Remarks|author=Zoe Tillman|work=[[w:The National Law Journal|The National Law Journal]]|date=March 16, 2016|issn=0162-7325}}

===Remarks by Judge Garland upon nomination to Supreme Court of the United States (2016)===
[[File:The President Announces Chief Judge Merrick Garland as His Supreme Court Nominee.webm|thumb|Trust that justice will be done in our courts without prejudice or partisanship is what, in a large part, distinguishes this country from others.]]

*As my parents taught me by both words and deeds, a life of public service is as much a gift to the person who serves as it is to those he is serving. And for me, there could be no higher public service than serving as a member of the United States Supreme Court.
**{{cite news|title=Remarks by the President Announcing Judge Merrick Garland as his Nominee to the Supreme Court|first=Merrick|last=Garland|authorlink=w:Merrick Garland|work=The White House|date=March 16, 2016|url=https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Remarks_by_the_President_Announcing_Judge_Merrick_Garland_as_his_Nominee_to_the_Supreme_Court#Remarks_by_Judge_Garland}}; quote then excerpted in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://chicagotonight.wttw.com/2016/03/16/obama-taps-chicago-native-merrick-garland-supreme-court|title=Obama Taps Chicago Native Merrick Garland for Supreme Court|author=Paris Schutz|date=March 16, 2016|work=WTTW}}; and also quote excerpted in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://www.upi.com/Top_News/US/2016/03/16/President-Obama-to-reveal-Supreme-Court-nominee/7221458128542/|work=United Press International|title=Merrick Garland: Supreme Court nomination 'greatest honor of my life'|date=March 16, 2016|author=Andrew V. Pestano}}; and quote again also excerpted in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://www.npr.org/2016/03/16/470684460/will-garlands-nomination-prompt-senate-to-act|work=Morning Edition|publisher=National Public Radio|date=March 16, 2016|author=Renee Montagne|title=Judge Garland Has Ability To 'Assemble Unlikely Coalitions,' Obama Says}}

*Trust that justice will be done in our courts without prejudice or partisanship is what, in a large part, distinguishes this country from others. 
**{{cite news|title=Remarks by the President Announcing Judge Merrick Garland as his Nominee to the Supreme Court|first=Merrick|last=Garland|authorlink=w:Merrick Garland|work=The White House|date=March 16, 2016|url=https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Remarks_by_the_President_Announcing_Judge_Merrick_Garland_as_his_Nominee_to_the_Supreme_Court#Remarks_by_Judge_Garland}}; quote then excerpted in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://www.thestandard.com.hk/section-news.php?id=167418|title=Obama warns foes on top court pick|date=March 18, 2016|work=[[w:The Standard (Hong Kong)|The Standard]]}}

*People must be confident that a judge’s decisions are determined by the law, and only the law. 
**{{cite news|title=Remarks by the President Announcing Judge Merrick Garland as his Nominee to the Supreme Court|first=Merrick|last=Garland|authorlink=w:Merrick Garland|work=The White House|date=March 16, 2016|url=https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Remarks_by_the_President_Announcing_Judge_Merrick_Garland_as_his_Nominee_to_the_Supreme_Court#Remarks_by_Judge_Garland}}; quote then excerpted in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|work=ABC News|url=http://abcnews.go.com/News/merrick-garland-supreme-court-nomination-greatest-honor-life/story?id=37692486|title=Merrick Garland: Supreme Court Nomination 'Greatest Honor of My Life'|date=March 16, 2016|author=Margaret Chadbourn}}; and quote also excerpted in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|work=The Guardian|url=http://www.theguardian.com/law/2016/mar/17/black-judge-effect-race-bias-overturning-court-cases|title='Black judge effect': study of overturning rates questions if justice is really blind|author=Rose Hackman}}

*For a judge to be worthy of such trust, he or she must be faithful to the Constitution and to the statutes passed by the Congress. He or she must put aside his personal views or preferences, and follow the law -- not make it.
**{{cite news|title=Remarks by the President Announcing Judge Merrick Garland as his Nominee to the Supreme Court|first=Merrick|last=Garland|authorlink=w:Merrick Garland|work=The White House|date=March 16, 2016|url=https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Remarks_by_the_President_Announcing_Judge_Merrick_Garland_as_his_Nominee_to_the_Supreme_Court#Remarks_by_Judge_Garland}}; quote then excerpted in:
***{{cite news|url=http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2016/03/16/obama-supreme-court-nomination/81824982/|work=USA Today|accessdate=March 18, 2016|date=March 17, 2016|title=Obama: Merrick Garland qualified to serve on Supreme Court immediately|author=Gregory Korte}}; and quote also excerpted in source:
***{{cite news|url=http://edition.cnn.com/2016/03/16/politics/who-is-merrick-garland/index.html?eref=rss_politics|work=CNN|date=March 16, 2016|accessdate=March 18, 2016|title=Who is Merrick Garland?|author=Ariane De Vogue and Tami Luhby}}

*Fidelity to the Constitution and the law has been the cornerstone of my professional life, and it’s the hallmark of the kind of judge I have tried to be for the past 18 years. If the Senate sees fit to confirm me to the position for which I have been nominated today, I promise to continue on that course.
**{{cite news|title=Remarks by the President Announcing Judge Merrick Garland as his Nominee to the Supreme Court|first=Merrick|last=Garland|authorlink=w:Merrick Garland|work=The White House|date=March 16, 2016|url=https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Remarks_by_the_President_Announcing_Judge_Merrick_Garland_as_his_Nominee_to_the_Supreme_Court#Remarks_by_Judge_Garland}}; quote then excerpted in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://variety.com/2016/biz/news/obama-merrick-garland-supreme-court-1201731565/|work=Variety|title=President Obama Nominates Judge Merrick Garland for Supreme Court|author=Ted Johnson|date=March 16, 2016}}; and also excerpted in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|work=The Texas Tribune|url=http://www.texastribune.org/2016/03/16/president-nominates-merrick-garland-supreme-court/|date=March 16, 2016|title=In Texas, Obama's Nominee May Draw Attention for EPA Rulings|author=Jordan Rudner}}; and quote also excerpted in source:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://time.com/4261007/merrick-garland-supreme-court-barack-obama/|work=Time|title=President Obama Nominates Merrick Garland for Supreme Court|date=March 16, 2016|author=Katie Reilly and Maya Rhodan}}

*This is the greatest honor of my life, other than Lynn agreeing to marry me 28 years ago. It's also the greatest gift I have ever received except, and there's another caveat, the birth of our daughters.
**{{cite news|title=Remarks by the President Announcing Judge Merrick Garland as his Nominee to the Supreme Court|first=Merrick|last=Garland|authorlink=w:Merrick Garland|work=The White House|date=March 16, 2016|url=https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Remarks_by_the_President_Announcing_Judge_Merrick_Garland_as_his_Nominee_to_the_Supreme_Court#Remarks_by_Judge_Garland}}; quote then excerpted in:
***{{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/wireStory/key-quotes-obamas-nomination-merrick-garland-37695552|work=ABC News|title=Quotes on Obama's Nomination of Merrick Garland|author=Associated Press|date=March 16, 2016}}
=== Remarks on the First Anniversary of the Attack on the Capitol (2022) ===
:&lt;small&gt;[https://www.justice.gov/opa/speech/attorney-general-merrick-b-garland-delivers-remarks-first-anniversary-attack-capitol Remarks on the First Anniversary of the Attack on the Capitol (5 January 2022)] · [https://www.c-span.org/video/?517045-1/attorney-general-garland-pledges-hold-january-6-attack-perpetrators-accountable C-SPAN video]&lt;/small&gt;

* As we begin a new year — and as we prepare to mark a solemn anniversary tomorrow – it is a fitting time to reaffirm that we at the Department of Justice will do everything in our power to defend the American people and American democracy. &lt;br /&gt; We will defend our democratic institutions from attack. &lt;br /&gt; We will protect those who serve the public from violence and threats of violence. &lt;br /&gt; We will protect the cornerstone of our democracy: the right to every eligible citizen to cast a vote that counts. &lt;br /&gt; And we will do all of this in a manner that adheres to the rule of law and honors our obligation to protect the civil rights and civil liberties of everyone in this country. 

* The Justice Department remains committed to holding all [[2021 United States Capitol attack|January 6th perpetrators]], at any level, [[accountable]] under [[law]] — whether they were present that day or were otherwise [[criminally]] [[responsible]] for the assault on our [[democracy]]. We will follow the [[facts]] wherever they lead. &lt;br /&gt; Because January 6th was an unprecedented attack on the seat of our democracy, we [[understand]] that there is broad public interest in our investigation. We understand that there are questions about how long the investigation will take, and about what exactly we are doing. &lt;br /&gt; Our answer is, and will continue to be, the same answer we would give with respect to any ongoing investigation: as long as it takes and whatever it takes for [[justice]] to be done — consistent with the facts and the law.

=== Remarks on the search of Donald Trump's mansion (2022) ===
[[File:Seal of the United States Department of Justice.svg|thumb|[[Faithful]] adherence to the [[rule of law]] is the bedrock [[principle]] of the Justice Department and of our [[democracy]]. Upholding the rule of law means applying the law evenly, without [[fear]] or [[favor]]. Under my watch, that is precisely what the Justice Department is doing.]]
:&lt;small&gt; [https://www.justice.gov/opa/speech/attorney-general-merrick-garland-delivers-remarks Attorney General Merrick Garland Delivers Remarks (11 August 2022)]&lt;!-- also quoted in [https://edition.cnn.com/2022/08/11/politics/garland-trump-mar-a-lago-search-bluff/index.html &quot;Merrick Garland just called Donald Trump's bluff&quot; CNN (11 August 2022)] --&gt;&lt;/small&gt;
[[File:Attorney General Merrick Garland Delivers Remarks Announcing Motion to Unseal Search Warrant.webm|thumb|Much of our [[work]] is by [[necessity]] conducted out of the public eye. We do that to [[protect]] the constitutional [[rights]] of all Americans and to protect the [[integrity]] of our investigations.]]

* Since I became attorney general, '''I have made clear that the [[w:United States Department of Justice|Department of Justice]] will speak through its court filings and its work.''' &lt;br /&gt; Just now, the Justice Department has filed a motion in the Southern District of Florida to unseal a search warrant and property receipt relating to a court approved search that the FBI conducted earlier this week. That search was a premises located in Florida, belonging to the former president. '''The department did not make any public statements on the day of the search.''' &lt;br /&gt; The former president publicly confirmed the search that evening, as is his right. '''Copies of both the warrant and the FBI property receipt were provided on the day of the search to the former president's counsel, who was on site during the search.''' &lt;br /&gt; The search warrant was authorized by a federal court upon the required finding of probable cause. The property receipt is a document that federal law requires law enforcement agents to leave with the property owner. '''The department filed the motion to make public the warrant and receipt in light of the former president's public confirmation with the search, the surrounding circumstances and the substantial public interest in this matter.'''

* '''[[Faithful]] adherence to the [[rule of law]] is the bedrock [[principle]] of the Justice Department and of our [[democracy]]. Upholding the rule of law means applying the law evenly, without [[fear]] or [[favor]].''' Under my watch, that is precisely what the Justice Department is doing. &lt;br /&gt; '''All [[Americans]] are entitled to the even handed application of the [[law]], to [[due process]] of the law, and to the presumption of [[innocence]]. Much of our [[work]] is by [[necessity]] conducted out of the public eye. We do that to [[protect]] the constitutional [[rights]] of all Americans and to protect the [[integrity]] of our investigations.''' &lt;br /&gt; Federal law, long standing department rules and our ethical obligations prevent me from providing further details as to the basis of the search at this time. There are however, certain points I want you to know. &lt;br /&gt; First, '''I personally approved the decision to seek a search warrant in this matter.''' Second, the department does not take such a decision lightly. Where possible, it is standard practice to seek less intrusive means as an alternative to a search, and to narrowly scope any search that is undertaken. &lt;br /&gt; Third, '''let me address recent unfounded attacks on the professionalism of the [[FBI]] and Justice Department agents and prosecutors. I will not stand by silently when their integrity is unfairly attacked.''' &lt;br /&gt; The men and women of the FBI and the Justice Department are [[dedicated]], [[patriotic]] public servants. Every day, they protect the American people from violent [[crime]], [[terrorism]] and other threats to their safety, while safeguarding our [[civil rights]]. They do so at great personal sacrifice and risk to themselves. I am honored to work alongside them. &lt;br /&gt; '''This is all I can say right [[now]]. More [[information]] will be made available in the appropriate way and at the appropriate [[time]].'''

{{clear}}

==Quotes about Garland==
[[File:Chuck Grassley official photo.jpg|thumb|upright|Mr. Garland seems to be well qualified and would probably make a good judge -- in some other court. &amp;mdash; [[Chuck Grassley]]]]

*Merrick is a very very smart and experienced attorney, but has a demeanor that is very soft spoken and considerate.
**[[w:Michael Chertoff|Michael Chertoff]], [[w:United States Secretary of Homeland Security|United States Secretary of Homeland Security]] for [[George W. Bush]] &amp;mdash; interviewed in: {{cite news|url=http://www.wbur.org/2016/03/16/michael-chertoff-garland|accessdate=March 18, 2016|date=March 16, 2016|work=WBUR News|title=Michael Chertoff On His Friend And Colleague, Supreme Court Nominee Merrick Garland|author=Lisa Mullins and Lynn Jolioceur|archiveurl=https://web.archive.org/web/20160318002034/http://www.wbur.org/2016/03/16/michael-chertoff-garland|archivedate=March 18, 2016}}

*I consider [Garland] a moderate and thoughtful and excellent judge.
**[[w:Miguel Estrada|Miguel Estrada]], nominated by [[George W. Bush]] to [[w:United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit|United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit]] &amp;mdash; interviewed in: {{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://www.politico.com/story/2016/03/merrick-garland-supreme-court-opinions-220902|work=Politico|title=Garland’s lack of standout opinions a boon in confirmation fight|author=Josh Gerstein|archivedate=March 18, 2016|archiveurl=https://web.archive.org/web/20160318002515/http://www.politico.com/story/2016/03/merrick-garland-supreme-court-opinions-220902|date=March 16, 2016}}

*Judge Garland has a reputation for integrity.
**[[Alberto Gonzales]], former [[w:United States Attorney General|United States Attorney General]] for [[George W. Bush]] &amp;mdash; {{cite news|url=http://www.usatoday.com/story/opinion/2016/03/16/obama-supreme-court-nominee-merrick-garland-senate-republicans-fight-column/81828300/|accessdate=March 18, 2016|date=March 16, 2016|author=[[Alberto Gonzales]]|title=Alberto Gonzales: Give Judge Garland a vote|work=USA Today}}

*Mr. Garland seems to be well qualified and would probably make a good judge -- in some other court.
**[[Chuck Grassley]], [[w:Republican Party (United States)|Republican]] United States Senator from Iowa &amp;mdash; quoted in: {{cite news|url=https://www.congress.gov/crec/1997/03/19/CREC-1997-03-19-senate.pdf|work=Congressional Record|accessdate=March 18, 2016|date=March 19, 1997|volume=143|issue=36|page=S2491|publisher=United States Senate|title=Proceedings and Debates of the 105th Congress, First Session; Washington, Wednesday, March 19, 1997}}

*I know him personally, I know of his integrity, I know of his legal ability, I know of his honesty, I know of his acumen, and he belongs on the court.
**[[Orrin Hatch]], [[w:Republican Party (United States)|Republican]] United States Senator from Utah &amp;mdash; quoted in: {{cite news|url=https://www.congress.gov/crec/1997/03/19/CREC-1997-03-19-senate.pdf|work=Congressional Record|accessdate=March 18, 2016|date=March 19, 1997|volume=143|issue=36|page=S2491|publisher=United States Senate|title=Proceedings and Debates of the 105th Congress, First Session; Washington, Wednesday, March 19, 1997}}

* [[President Obama]] and his allies may now try to pretend this disagreement is about a person.  The decision the [[Senate]] announced weeks ago remains about a principle, not a person.
** [[Mitch McConnell  ]] &quot;[https://www.politico.com/news/2021/02/23/mcconnell-merrick-garland-attorney-general-471177 McConnell to support Garland for attorney general]&quot; (February 23, 2021)

*Any time Judge Garland disagrees, you know you’re in a difficult area.
**[[John Roberts]], [[w:Chief Justice of the United States Supreme Court|Chief Justice of the United States Supreme Court]], statement at his 2005 nomination hearings &amp;mdash; cited in: {{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://www.politico.com/story/2016/03/merrick-garland-supreme-court-opinions-220902|work=Politico|title=Garland’s lack of standout opinions a boon in confirmation fight|author=Josh Gerstein|archivedate=March 18, 2016|archiveurl=https://web.archive.org/web/20160318002515/http://www.politico.com/story/2016/03/merrick-garland-supreme-court-opinions-220902|date=March 16, 2016}} and cited in {{cite news|url=http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/09/14/AR2005091401451.html|work=The Washington Post|title=Transcript: Day Three of the Roberts Confirmation Hearings|date=September 14, 2005|accessdate=March 18, 2016}}

*By all accounts, he is a fine person and an able lawyer. He does have a very good job with the U.S. Department of Justice.
**[[Jeff Sessions]], [[w:Republican Party (United States)|Republican]] United States Senator from Alabama &amp;mdash; quoted in: {{cite news|url=https://www.congress.gov/crec/1997/03/19/CREC-1997-03-19-senate.pdf|work=Congressional Record|accessdate=March 18, 2016|date=March 19, 1997|volume=143|issue=36|page=S2491|publisher=United States Senate|title=Proceedings and Debates of the 105th Congress, First Session; Washington, Wednesday, March 19, 1997}}
*Chief Judge Garland is a brilliant jurist who believes in and upholds the rule of law undergirding our constitutional republic.
**[[w:Ken Starr|Ken Starr]], former [[w:United States Solicitor General|United States Solicitor General]] for [[George H.W. Bush]] &amp;mdash; {{cite news|url=http://www.baylor.edu/mediacommunications/news.php?action=story&amp;story=166915|accessdate=March 18, 2016|date=March 16, 2016|author=Ken Starr|authorlink=w:Ken Starr|title=Judge Starr Personal Statement on Nomination of Judge Merrick Garland to the U.S. Supreme Court|work=Baylor University Media Communications|publisher=Baylor University}}

*I have no doubt that Mr. Garland is a man of character and integrity.
**[[w:Strom Thurmond|Strom Thurmond]], [[w:Republican Party (United States)|Republican]] United States Senator from South Carolina &amp;mdash; quoted in: {{cite news|url=https://www.congress.gov/crec/1997/03/19/CREC-1997-03-19-senate.pdf|work=Congressional Record|accessdate=March 18, 2016|date=March 19, 1997|volume=143|issue=36|page=S2491|publisher=United States Senate|title=Proceedings and Debates of the 105th Congress, First Session; Washington, Wednesday, March 19, 1997}}

* MADDOW: Do you have confidence in the Attorney General Garland`s judgment, and to his commitments, to finding a way to meeting the challenge this lawsuit
* TRIBE: Very much. I`ve known him for years. He was my student. I know a lot of people would like him to move more quickly. I get impatient myself sometimes, and I haven`t been easy on him.
** American legal scholar [[Lawrence Tribe]] in an MSNBC interview with [[Rachel Maddow]] in connection with [[Texas anti-abortion law]]
*I have very high regard for his intellect and his decency.
**[[w:Edward Whelan (American lawyer)|Ed Whelan]], former law clerk to United States Supreme Court Associate Justice [[Antonin Scalia]] &amp;mdash; {{cite news|accessdate=March 18, 2016|url=http://www.nationalreview.com/bench-memos/432870/merrick-garland|work=National Review|title=On Merrick Garland|author=Ed Whelan|authorlink=w:Edward Whelan (American lawyer)|date=March 16, 2016}}

==See also==
*[[Anthony Kennedy]]
*[[District of Columbia]]
*[[Judges]]
*[[Judiciary]]
*[[Supreme Court of the United States]]
*[[United States Senate]]

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Merrick Garland}}
{{commons|Merrick Garland}}
{{wikisource|Author:Merrick Brian Garland}}
*[http://www.c-span.org/person/?merrickbgarland Appearances] on [[w:C-SPAN|C-SPAN]]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Garland, Merrick}}
[[Category:1952 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Judges from the United States]]
[[Category:American Jews]]
[[Category:United States Attorneys General]]
[[Category:Lawyers from the United States]]
[[Category:Harvard University alumni]]
[[Category:People from Chicago]]</text>
      <sha1>n6ioqt36ouojg9xx0hfjpydqa8zpvry</sha1>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Stranger Things</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>188549</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153843</id>
      <parentid>3148712</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-12T07:39:05Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>87.38.66.5</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Chapter Three: Holly Jolly [1.03] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="93943" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Stranger Things|Stranger Things]]''''' is an American TV series created by the [[w:Duffer brothers|Duffer brothers]] for [[w:Netflix|Netflix]]. It revolves the investigation into the disappearance of a young boy by his friends, older brother and traumatized mother and the local police chief, amid supernatural events occurring around the town, including the appearance of a psychokinetic girl who helps the missing boy's friends in their own search.

== Season 1 ==
=== ''Chapter One: The Vanishing of Will Byers'' [1.01] ===
:'''Mike''': Something's coming. Something hungry for blood. A shadow grows on the wall behind you, swallowing you in darkness. It is almost here.
:'''Will''': It was a seven. The roll, it was a seven. The demogorgon - it got me. See you tomorrow

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hopper''': Flo, Flo, we've discussed this, mornings are for coffee and contemplation.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hopper''': Joyce, this is Hawkins, okay? You wanna know the worst thing that's ever happened here in the four years I've been working here? Do you wanna know the worst thing? It was when an owl attacked Eleanor Gillespie's head because it thought that her hair was a nest.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dustin''': Guys, I really think we should turn back.
:'''Lucas''': Seriously Dustin? You want to be a baby, then go home already!
:'''Dustin''': I'm just being realistic, Lucas!
:'''Lucas''': No you're being a big sissy!
:'''Dustin''': Did you ever think maybe Will went missing because he ran into something bad? And we're going to the exact same spot where he was last seen? And we have no weapons or anything?
:'''Mike''': Dustin shut up…
:'''Dustin''': I'm just saying: does that seem smart to you?
:'''Mike''': Shut up, shut up... did you guys hear that?
:'''Hopper''': Okay, okay, okay, one at a time, all right?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Troy''': Step right up, ladies and gentlemen. Step right up and get your tickets for the freak show.
:'''Troy''': Who do you think would make more money in a freak show? Midnight, Frogface, or Toothless?
:'''James''': ''[mimicking Dustin]'' I'd go with Toothless. 
:'''Dustin''': I told you a million times my teeth are coming in. It's called cleidocranial dysplasia.
:'''James''': ''[mimicking Dustin]'' I told you a million times.
:'''Troy''': ''[chuckles]'' Do the arm thing. 
:'''James''': Do it, freak. 
:''[Dustin cracking and flexing his bone]''
:'''Troy''': God, it gets me every time. 
:'''Lucas''': Assholes.
:'''Mike''': I think it's cool. It's like you have superpowers or something. Like Mr. Fantastic. 
:'''Dustin''': Yeah, except I can't fight evil with it.

=== ''Chapter Two: The Weirdo on Maple Street'' [1.02] ===
:'''Dustin''': ''[to Eleven]'' We never would've upset you if we knew you had superpowers.

=== ''Chapter Three: Holly Jolly'' [1.03] ===
:'''Dustin''': Why do we need weapons? We have her.
:'''Lucas''': She shut ONE door!!!
:'''Dustin''': With her mind!

=== ''Chapter Four: The Body'' [1.04] ===
:'''Jonathan''': People don't say what they're really thinking.

=== ''Chapter Five: The Flea and the Acrobat'' [1.05] ===
:'''Jonathan''': Don’t take it so personally, okay? I don’t like most people. He’s in the vast majority.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Scott Clarke''': Science is neat, but I’m afraid it’s not very forgiving.

=== ''Chapter Six: The Monster'' [1.06] ===
:'''Troy ''': ''[Holding Dustin at knife point]'' ''Jump.'' Or Toothless here gets an early trip to the dentist!
:'''Dustin''': No! N- ''[he stops talking as Troy holds the blade near his eyes]''
:'''Troy''': I'll cut him, right now!
:'''Mike''': Alright, just hold on! Hold on!
:'''Dustin''': Mike, don't do it!  I don't need my baby teeth- Mike!  Mike, ''seriously'', don't!
:''[Mike walks to the edge of the cliff and looks down at the water]''
:'''Dustin''': Mike, don't do it! Don't do it, Mike! 
:'''James''': Troy, I don't think this is a good idea, man.
:'''Dustin''': Mike, don't!
:'''Troy''': Dentist's office opens in ''five!  Four!  Three! Two!''
:'''Dustin''': ''MIKE!''
:'''Troy''': ''One!''
:''[Mike steps off the cliff and falls. The three boys race to the edge and look over]''
:'''Dustin''': Holy shit.
:''[Mike is suspended in mid-air, halfway down. As they watch, he suddenly begins rising back up]''
:'''Mike''': Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
:''[He floats over their heads and lands safely on the ground nearby. They hear footsteps and turn to see Eleven walking towards them with a stern look on her face. As Dustin and Mike grin, Troy brandishes his knife at her; Eleven twitches her neck, and James is thrown to the ground.  A sickening crack comes from Troy's arm, causing him to scream and drop the knife.]''
:'''Troy''': AAAAH!  She broke my arm!  
:'''Eleven''': ''[coldly]'' ''Go.''
:'''Troy''': Let's get outta here! Let's go!
:''[He and James run away and trip as they leave]''
:'''Dustin''': ''[gleefully]'' YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT! YOU ''BETTER'' RUN! SHE'S OUR FRIEND AND SHE'S ''CRAZY!'' YOU COME BACK HERE, AND SHE'LL KILL YOU! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': El?
:'''Eleven''': ''[crying]'' Mike... I'm sorry.
:'''Mike''': Sorry? What are you sorry for? 
:'''Eleven''': The Gate... ''I'' opened it. ''I'm'' the monster.
:'''Mike''': ''[smiles]'' No El, you're not the monster. You ''saved'' me, do you understand? ''You saved me''.
:''[He pulls her up into a hug, and Dustin puts his arms around them]''

=== ''Chapter Seven: The Bathtub'' [1.07] ===

=== ''Chapter Eight: The Upside Down'' [1.08] ===
:'''Martin Brenner''': Six.
:'''Joyce''': What?
:'''Martin Brenner''': Six. Six people have been taken this week. This thing that took your son... We don't really understand it. But it's behavior is predictable. Like all animals, it eats. It will take more sons. More daughters. I want to save them. I want to save your son. But I can't do that. Not without your help.
:'''Joyce''': Stop. I know who you are. I know what you've done. You took my boy away from me! You left him in that place to die! You faked his death! We had a funeral. We buried him. And now you're asking for my help? Go to hell.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': Just hold on a little longer, okay? He's gone, the Bad Man's gone. We'll be home soon, and my mom? She'll get you your own bed, and you can eat as many Eggos as you want. And... we can go to the Snow Ball.
:'''Eleven''': ''[weakened]'' Promise?
:'''Mike''': Promise.
:''[There is a loud shriek as the gunfire outside dies down]''
:'''Dustin''': Is it... is it dead?
:''[the door crashes down and the Demogorgon enters the classroom, the lights flickering]''
:'''Mike''': Go, go go go go!!
:'''Dustin''': Get the wrist rocket, get the wrist rocket, ''now!!''
:'''Mike''': Gogogogogo!  Get the rocks, get the rocks, get the rocks!
:'''Dustin''': Getting the rocks!
:'''Lucas''': Gimme one!
:'''Dustin''': Come on! Fire!
:'''Mike''': Kill it, kill it!
:''[Lucas shoots a rock at the Demogorgon and hits it's head, but it only roars with rage]''
:'''Lucas''': Another one!
:'''Dustin''': Kill the bastard!  Kill it now!
:'''Mike''': Kill it!  Gogogogogo!
:''[Lucas fires again, to no effect; the Demogorgon advances on them as Dustin passes Lucas more ammunition]''
:'''Dustin''': Get, get, get- come on, kill it, bastard!
:'''Lucas''': It's not working!
:'''Mike''': Hit him again! Keep going, keep going!
:'''Dustin''': Kill him!  Get, get, get... come on, go, go, go!
:''[Lucas hits the Demogorgon again, to no effect. As he fires a fourth rock, the Demogorgon is suddenly flung across the room by El's powers, slamming against the blackboard. El stands and walks past the shocked boys, her expression fierce]''
:'''Mike''': Eleven, stop!
:''[El uses her powers to push Mike back; she approaches the struggling Demogorgon. As she reaches it, she glances back at Lucas, Dustin and Mike]''
:'''Eleven''': ''[sadly]'' Goodbye, Mike. ''[she turns to the Demogorgon]'' ''No more''.
:''[Both the Demogorgon and El scream as she uses her powers to rip it apart; Lucas, Dustin and Mike cover their ears. When the lights return, El and the Demogorgon have vanished]''
:'''Mike''': El?!  El?!  El!
:'''Lucas''': Eleven!
:'''Dustin''': Eleven!
:'''Mike''': ''[tearful]'' ''El!'' El, where are you?! Eleven? El?

== Season 2 ==
=== ''Chapter One: MADMAX'' [2.01] ===
:'''Lucas''': You're just not nimble enough, but you'll get there someday.  But until then... ''[chuckles]'' Princess Daphne is still mine!
:'''Dustin''':  You know, whatever. I'm still tops on &quot;Centipede&quot; and &quot;Dig Dug&quot;.
:'''Keith''': You sure about that?
:'''Dustin''': Sure about what? You're kidding me, nonononono. Move, move! ''[he checks the top scores on &quot;Centipede&quot; and &quot;Dig Dug&quot;]'' Aw, nonononono- NO! No! Nooo!
:'''Will''': Seven hundred and fifty-one thousand, three hundred points?!
:'''Mike''':  That's impossible!
:'''Dustin''': Who- who's &quot;MADMAX?&quot;
:'''Keith''': Better than ''you''. 
:''[Dustin gives him the finger]''
:'''Will''': Is it ''you?''
:'''Keith''': ''[scoffs]'' You know I despise &quot;Dig Dug&quot;.
:'''Lucas''': Then who is it?
:'''Dustin''': Yeah, spill it, ''Keith''.
:'''Keith''': You want information?  Then I need something in return. ''[grins at Mike]''
:'''Mike''': ''No''. No, no, no, no way! You're ''not'' getting a date with her!
:'''Lucas''': Mike, come on, just get him the date.
:'''Mike''':  I'm not prostituting my sister!
:'''Lucas''': But it's for a good cause!
:'''Dustin''': No, no, don't get him the date. You know what? He's gonna spread his nasty-ass ''rash'' to your whole family!
:'''Keith''':  Acne isn't a rash, and it isn't contagious, you prepubescent wastoid!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dustin''': Still no sign?
:'''Lucas''': Jack shit.
:'''Dustin''': (looks at his watch) Aw man, my Mom's gonna murder me!
:'''Lucas''': So go home, I'll radio when she comes.
:'''Dustin''': Oh yeah, nice try. You just want me out of here so you can make your move.
:'''Lucas''': Oh cause you're such a threat.
:'''Dustin''': That's right! She will not be able to resist these pearls. Grrrrrrr! ''[spotting something]'' Ten O'Clock!
:'''Lucas''': What?
:'''Dustin''': Ten O'Clock.
:''[Max comes out arguing with her brother]''
:'''Lucas''': They're arguing! They're arguing!
:'''Dustin''': I I I see that! ''[about binoculars]'' I don't even know why you need those. God, you're so stupid.
:''[Car leaves and Max gives a middle finger at her brother. Dustin and Lucas follow her inside the arcade]''
:'''Lucas''': She's incredible.
:'''Dustin''': She's...
:'''Both''': MADMAX!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Hopper arrives at a cabin deep in the woods. He steps over a tripwire as he approaches the door and knocks six times. Several bolts unlatch and the door opens. He walks in, notices the TV is on, and turns it off]''
:'''Hopper''': ''[noticing a half-eaten Eggo waffle on the table]'' Hey, what'd we talk about?
:'''Eleven''': ''[from the next room]'' No signal.
:'''Hopper''': ''[as he sits down]'' What?
:'''Eleven''': No ''signal''. It's eight-one-five. You're late.
:'''Hopper''': Yeah, I lost track of time. I'll signal next time, all right? ''[El enters the room and sits across from him]'' And, uh, it's eight- fifteen, it's not eight-one-five.
:'''Eleven''': Eight... fifteen.
:'''Hopper''': Now, what'd we talk about? Dinner first, ''then'' dessert. Always.  That's a rule, yeah?
:'''Eleven''': Yes.

=== ''Chapter Two: Trick or Treat, Freak'' [2.02] ===
:''[Hopper is cooking breakfast. He turns around and is startled by El wearing a bedsheet over her head.]''
:'''Hopper''': Ahhhh! Jesus.
:'''Eleven''': Ghost.
:'''Hopper''': Yeah, I see that.
:'''Eleven''': Halloween.
:'''Hopper''': Sure is. But right now, it's breakfast, okay? ''[he puts the food on the table]'' Come on, let's eat.
:'''Eleven''': They wouldn't see me.
:'''Hopper''': Who wouldn't see you? ''[sits down]''
:'''Eleven''': The Bad Men.
:'''Hopper''': What are you talking about?
:'''Eleven''': Trick or Treat.
:'''Hopper''': You want to go ''trick-or-treating?'' ''[El nods; after a pause Hopper shakes his head and stands up]'' You know the rules.
:'''Eleven''': Yes, I...
:'''Hopper''': Yeah, so you know the answer.
:'''Eleven''': No, but they wouldn't see me.
:'''Hopper''': Hey, I don't care.
:'''Eleven''': But, they...
:'''Hopper''': ''[puts his hands on her shoulders]'' ''I don't care,'' alright? You go out there, ghost or not, it's a risk. We don't ''take'' risks, alright? They're ''stupid''. And?
:'''Eleven''': ''[angrily]'' We're ''not'' stupid.
:'''Hopper''': Exactly. Now you take that off and sit down and eat. ''[sits down]'' Your food's getting cold.
:''[El does so, looking irritated]''
:'''Hopper''': Alright, look: how 'bout... I get off early tonight, I buy us a bunch of candy, we sit around and get fat, and we watch a scary movie together. How's that for compromise?
:'''Eleven''':  &quot;Co-compromise?&quot;
:'''Hopper''': C-O-M-promise. Compromise? How 'bout that's your word for the day, yeah? It's something that's kinda in-between, something like... half-way happy.
:'''Eleven''': By... five-one-five?
:'''Hopper''': ''[nods]'' Five-fifteen, yeah. Sure.
:'''Eleven''': Promise?
:'''Hopper''': Yes. I promise.
:'''Eleven''': ''[shrugs, nods]'' Half-way happy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Billy''': God, this place is such a shithole.
:'''Max''':  It's not that bad.
:'''Billy''':  No? ''[buzzes down the window and holds his nose]''  Mmm, you smell that, Max? That's ''actually'' shit. Cow shit!
:'''Max''': I don't see any cows. ''[buzzes the window up again]''
:'''Billy''': Clearly, you haven't met the high school girls. So what, you like it here now?
:'''Max''': No!
:'''Billy''': Then why are you defending it?
:'''Max''': I'm ''not''.
:'''Billy''': Sure ''sounds'' like it.
:'''Max''': It's just, we're stuck here, so...
:'''Billy''': Mm, you're right. We're stuck here. ''[glares at her]'' And whose fault is that?
:'''Max''': ''[under her breath]'' ''Yours''.
:'''Billy''': What'd you say?
:'''Max''': Nothing.
:'''Billy''': Did you say it's ''my'' fault?
:'''Max''': No!
:'''Billy''': You ''know'' whose fault it is.  Say it. ''[pause]'' Maaax... ''say it.''  SAY IT!!!
:''[He floors the gas pedal; Max looks up and is shocked to see Mike, Lucas and Dustin riding directly ahead of Billy's car]''
:'''Dustin''': Really, ''everyone'' dressed up last year.
:'''Max''': Billy, slow down.
:'''Billy''': Oh, these your new ape-friends?
:'''Max''': No! No, I don't know them.
:'''Billy''': Oh, then I guess you won't care if I hit 'em then, huh? I get bonus points, I get 'em all in one go!
:'''Max''': No, Billy, ''stop'', it's not funny.
:''[Dustin notices Billy closing in on them]''
:'''Dustin''': Uh, guys...!
:''[They all try desperately to outrun Billy]''
:'''Max''': Billy, come on, stop! This isn't funny! ''Stop!''
:'''Mike''': Go, go, go, go!
:'''Max''': BILLY, STOP IT!
:'''Dustin''': Oh, shitshitshitshitshit!
:''[Max yanks the steering wheel; at the last minute, Billy's car swerves into the other lane, barely missing the boys]''
:'''Billy''': ''[laughs maniacally]'' WHOOO!  That was a close one, huh?!
:'''Dustin''': Was that...
:'''Lucas''': Madmax!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Bob dances with Joyce on Halloween]''
:'''Bob''': You playing Frankenstein to my Dracula? You're stiff as a board; relax.
:'''Joyce''': I'm sorry.  It's just...
:'''Bob''': He's fine, ok? Jonathan's with him.
:'''Joyce''': I know. It's just... every time he's away from me, it's like I- I can't ''function.'' I- it sounds silly, I know.
:'''Bob''': No, it's not silly. It's not silly. ''[pause]'' What if we were to move out of Hawkins? Together?
:'''Joyce''': What?
:'''Bob''': ''[grins]'' Yeah, Whoa Nellie, right? No, I just- I- I been thinking about what you said. I mean, how you've got all these memories here, and you wish you had enough money to move. My parents are selling their house in Maine. There's a RadioShack nearby; I'm sure they'd take me on. We could just... ''[he sees the worried look on Joyce's face and glances away]'' ''My'' turn to be silly, now.
:'''Joyce''': Bob...
:'''Bob''': No, it's fine; wine makes me crazy.
:'''Joyce''': It's just so hard to explain, it's just- this- this is ''not'' a normal family.
:'''Bob''': Well, it could be. ''[looks at her encouragingly]'' ''Could'' be.
:''[Joyce hugs him; the doorbell sounds]''
:'''Bob''': ''Finally.'' ''[puts in his Dracula fangs and heads for the door]'' Victims!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Will''': ''[discussing his visions]'' It's like... like, I'm stuck.
:'''Mike''': Stuck in the Upside Down?
:'''Will''': Well, you know how in a ViewMaster, when it gets, like...
:'''Mike''': Caught between two slides?
:'''Will''': Yeah, yeah, like that. Like, like one slide's our world, and... and the other... the other slide is the Upside Down. And... and there was this noise. Coming from everywhere. And... I saw something.
:'''Mike''': The Demogorgon?
:'''Will''': ''[shakes his head]'' No. It was like... this huge shadow, in the sky. Only... it was ''alive''... and it was coming for me.
:'''Mike''': Is this all real? Or is it like the doctors say, all in your head?
:'''Will''': I don't know. Just... just please don't tell the others, okay? They won't understand.
:'''Mike''': ''Eleven'' would.
:'''Will''': She would?
:'''Mike''': ''[smiles]'' Yeah. She always did. Sometimes, I feel like... I still see her. Like she's still around... but she never is. I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy.
:'''Will''': Me, too.
:'''Mike''': Hey, if we're both going crazy, we'll go crazy together, right?
:'''Will''': ''[smiles]'' Yeah. Crazy together.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[El uses a blindfold and the TV static to enter the mental dimension of the Upside Down and listen to Mike as he tries to contact her on the two-way radio]''
:'''Mike''':  It's Day 353. I had a bad day today. I dunno, I... guess I wish you were here. I mean, we all do. If you're out there, just... ''please'', gimme a sign.
:''[El crouches in front of him in the Upside Down. For a moment, Mike appears to meet her eyes.]''
:'''Eleven''': Mike?
:'''Mike''': Eleven?
:''[El reaches out to try to touch his face, but after a moment Mike irritably shuts off the radio and walks away. In the real world, El pulls off the blindfold and cries silently]''

=== ''Chapter Three: The Pollywog'' [2.03] ===
:''[In a flashback, as Hopper and El set up the defenses around the cabin]''
:'''Hopper''': Okay. This is called a tripwire. It's like an alarm. You, uh, set it up like this... and then, anybody gets close, it's gonna make a loud noise like, uh, gunfire. ''Bang.'' ''[pause]'' Those bad men aren't gonna find you, alright? Not way the hell out here. But we'll take some precautions. There's gonna be a couple ground rules. Rule number one: always keep the curtains drawn.
:''[In the present, El opens the curtains]''
:'''Hopper''': Rule number two: only open the door, if you hear my secret knock. ''[demonstrates]''
:''[In the present, El unbolts the door with her powers]''
:'''Hopper''': And rule number three: Don't ''ever'' go out alone... especially not in the daylight.
:''[in the present, El steps out onto the sunlit porch]''
:'''Hopper''': That's it. Three rules. I call 'em the, uh... &quot;Don't be stupid&quot; rules. 'Cause we're not stupid, alright?
:''[In the present, El walks away from the cabin]''
:'''Eleven''': ''[as she steps over the tripwire]'' ''Not stupid.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve''': What are you doing here?
:'''Nancy''': What do you think? Where ''were'' you this morning?! I missed first period!
:'''Steve''': I figured Jonathan would take you.
:'''Nancy''': What are you talking about?
:'''Steve''': Jesus, you really can't handle your alcohol. Uh... you remember going to Tina's party last night, right?
:'''Nancy''': Yes.
:'''Steve''': Okay, and then what?
:'''Nancy''': I... remember dancing, and... spilling some punch, you got mad at me because I was drunk and then you took me home.
:'''Steve''': No. Yeah, see, that's where your mind gets a little fuzzy. That was your ''other'' boyfriend, that was-- that was Jonathan.
:'''Nancy''': I don't understand.
:'''Steve''': It's pretty simple, Nancy; you were just telling it like it is.
:'''Nancy''': What?
:'''Steve''': Um... apparently, uh, we killed Barb, and, uh, ''I'' don't care, 'cause I'm &quot;bullshit&quot; and, and our whole relationship is &quot;bullshit&quot;. And, uh, pretty much everything's just bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.  Oh, yeah, also... you don't love me.
:'''Nancy''': I was ''drunk'', Steve!  I don't remember any of that!
:'''Steve''': So that makes everything you said just ''what'', just bullshit too?!
:'''Nancy''': Yes!
:'''Steve''': Well then tell me!
:'''Nancy''': Tell you what?!
:'''Steve''': You love me!
:'''Nancy''': Really?
:'''Classmate''': Harrington! Dude, we need you, man; that douchebag's killing us! Let's go!
:'''Steve''': All right!
:'''Classmate''': Come on!
:''[Steve stares at Nancy; when she doesn't answer, he walks away]''
:'''Steve''': I think that ''you're'' bullshit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Dustin shows Mike, Will, Lucas and Max the &quot;pollywog&quot; he found]''
:'''Dustin''': His name is D'Artagnan. ''[picks it up]'' Cute, right?
:'''Mike''': &quot;D'Artagnan?&quot;
:'''Dustin''': Dart, for short.
:'''Max''': And he was in your trash?
:'''Dustin''': Foraging for food. You wanna hold him?
:'''Max''': No, no.
:'''Dustin''': He doesn't bite.
:'''Max''': I don't want to. ''[Dustin drops Dart into her hands]'' Oh, God, he's slimy!
:''[She passes Dart to Lucas]''
:'''Lucas''': Ugh, he's like a living booger! ''[passes Dart to Will]''
:'''Will''': Oh, God, ugh! ''[passes Dart to Mike, who stares at it]''
:'''Mike''': What ''is'' he?
:'''Dustin''': ''[grins]'' My question exactly. At first, I thought it was some type of pollywog.
:'''Max''': &quot;Pollywog?&quot;
:'''Dustin''': It's another word for tadpole. Tadpole is the larval stage of a toad.
:'''Max''': I-I know what a tadpole is.
:'''Dustin''':  Alright, then you know that most tadpoles are aquatic, right? Well, Dart, he isn't, he doesn't need water.
:'''Lucas''': Yeah, but aren't there non-aquatic pollywogs?
:'''Dustin''': Terrestrial pollywogs? Yep, two to be exact. ''Indirana Semiplamata'' and the ''Adenomera Andreae.'' One's from India, one's from South America. So how did one end up in my trash?
:'''Max''': Maybe some scientists brought it here, and it escaped?
:'''Mike''': Did you guys see that?  It looks like something is... ''moving'' inside it.
:''[He shines a lamp directly on Dart, who flinches and shrieks, startling them]''
:'''Dustin''':  Whoa. ''[he grabs Dart as it tries to escape]''  It's okay, it's okay, I got you, little guy. I know you don't like that, it's okay. ''[looks up]'' And there's another thing. Reptiles, they're cold-blooded. Ectothermic, right? They love heat, the sun. Dart ''hates'' it, it hurts him.
:'''Lucas''': So, if he's not a polywog, or a reptile...
:'''Dustin''': Then I've discovered a new species.
:''[As he strokes Dart, Will has flashbacks of the larvae he coughed up last year, as well as the noises from his visions of the Upside Down, which sound just like Dart]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bob''': I'm- I'm sorry if I overstepped anything.  
:'''Joyce''': No! No, you didn't.
:'''Bob''': Okay.  I mean, I... I like you ''so'' much.  Not just you, everything that comes with you. Your family, your boys. And, I hope it's not wishful thinking, but... I kinda feel like I'm breaking through with them. I mean, not so much Jonathan, he's a tough cookie to crack, but...
:'''Joyce''': Yeah.
:'''Bob''':  With Will, like... I dunno, I feel like we're... connecting.
:'''Joyce''': ''[smiles]'' He likes you, too.
:'''Bob''': ''[grins]'' Yeah?
:'''Joyce''': Mm-Hmm. I can tell.
:'''Bob''': Good. Oh, there was... something else I was gonna mention. It's not a big deal at all, but... I just noticed this morning that my JVC was a little dinged up. 
:'''Joyce''': Your- your what?
:'''Bob''': The video camera.  
:'''Joyce''': Oh!
:'''Bob''': Yeah. It still works fine and everything, I just... I went back and watched the tape, and... there were some older kids picking on Will.
:'''Joyce''': ''What?''
:'''Bob''': ''[nods]'' They scared him.
:'''Joyce''': ''[angrily]'' Who were they? Were they the Zimmerman brothers again?
:'''Bob''': Um, I don't know. They were wearing masks or sorta makeup, and... maybe. They were the right age.
:'''Joyce ''': I'll kill them. I swear to God, I will... I will ''kill'' them.
:'''Bob''': ''[smiles]'' That's what I love about you: you punch back. I was never really one to put up a fight. I struggled a lot, like Will, when I was a kid. With bullies. ''[sighs]'' It's the ones like us, that don't punch back, that people ''really'' take advantage of, you know? They rub your nose it it just a ''little'' bit more. I don't know why they do that. Maybe it makes 'em feel... powerful. I don't know. But, hey! Look at me now: I get to date ''Joyce Byers.'' Ha! ''[Joyce laughs]'' Are you kidding me? I get to date... see, it all works out in the end, doesn't it?
:'''Joyce''': Yes, it does.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hopper''': Grass, crops, trees.  Everything in this area is either dead or dying, and that's a radius of over three ''miles''. And it all leads back to here. ''[taps a map showing Hawkins Lab]''
:'''Dr. Sam Owens''': See, these patterns here are really pretty. I like the design; it's almost psychedelic.
:'''Hopper''': This is a joke to you, huh?
:'''Sam Owens''': No, it's not a joke. I just, I don't understand what this has to do with me, Chief Hopper.
:'''Hopper''': Whatever is happening, is spreading from ''this'' place, from this lab.  
:'''Sam Owens''': That's impossible.  It's... the last burn, it was two days ago. It's ''contained''.
:'''Hopper''': What if there's a leak?
:'''Sam Owens''': A leak? A leak? ''[chuckles, shakes his head]'' No, no, it...
:'''Hopper''': I don't know, man, you're the scientist!
:'''Sam Owens''': Exactly. And I'm tellin' ya, there's nothing to worry about.
:'''Hopper''': Convince me.
:'''Sam Owens''': ''Convince'' you?
:'''Hopper''': ''[stands up angrily]'' Yeah. You and your egghead friends go out to every area on this map, and you run your tests, or whatever the hell it is you do, and you see if anything comes up.
:'''Sam Owens''': ''[smirks]'' All right, so... so ''you're'' giving ''me'' orders, now? No.
:'''Hopper''': I keep things nice and quiet for you.
:'''Sam Owens''': Mm-hmm-
:'''Hopper''': And ''you'' keep your shit outta my town. ''That'' is the deal. I have done my part, now you do yours. Convince me.

=== ''Chapter Four: Will the Wise'' [2.04] ===
:'''Will''': I can't remember.
:'''Joyce''': I need you to try.
:'''Will''': I- I was on the field. And... it all just went blank. And then... you were there.
:'''Joyce''': ''[shakes her head]'' ''Will''... I need you to tell me the truth.
:'''Will''': I am!
:''[Joyce brings over a piece of paper with a rough outline of the &quot;Shadow Monster&quot;]''
:'''Joyce''': This shape. I saw it on the videotape of Halloween Night. It's the same shape as your drawing. These episodes that you're having, I think Doctor Owens is wrong, I think they're real. But- but I can't help you if I don't know what's going on. So, you have to talk to me! Please. No more secrets, okay? ''[Will nods]'' Okay. Did you see this thing again, on the field?
:''[Will has flashbacks of his encounter with the Shadow Monster]''
:'''Will''': ''[nods]''... Yes.
:'''Joyce''': What... what is it?
:'''Will''': ''[tearfully]'' I don't... know. It's almost... more like a feeling.
:'''Joyce''': Like the one you had that night at the arcade?
:'''Will''': ''Yes''.
:'''Joyce''': Wh-what does it want?
:'''Will''': ''[crying]'' I don't... know. It came for me, and...and I tried. I tried to make it go away. But it got me, Mom!
:'''Joyce''': Well, what does that mean?
:'''Will'':  I felt it... everywhere. ''Everywhere''. I- I still feel it! I just want this to be over!
:'''Joyce''': ''[hugs him]'' It's okay, it's okay, hey. Listen, look, look at me. I will never, ever let anything bad happen to you ever again. Whatever's going on in you, we're gonna fix it. ''I'' will fix it. I promise. I'm here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hopper''': &quot;Friends don't lie&quot;. Isn't that your little bullshit saying? Hey, ''hey!'' Don't walk away from ME! Where'd you go on your little field trip, huh? ''Where?'' You go see Mike?
:'''Eleven''': ''[sadly]'' He didn't see me.
:'''Hopper''': Yeah, well that mother and her daughter did, and they called the cops. Now: did ''anyone'' else see you? Anyone, at all? Come on, I need you to think!
:'''Eleven''': Nobody saw me!
:'''Hopper''': You put us in danger. You realize that, right?
:'''Eleven''': ''You'' promised... I'd go! And I ''never'' leave! ''Nothing'' ever happens!
:'''Hopper''': Yeah, nothing happens and you stay SAFE!
:'''Eleven''': You LIE!
:'''Hopper''': I don't lie, I ''protect!'' And I feed, and I teach! And all I ask of you, is that you follow three simple rules! Three rules! And you know what? You CAN'T EVEN DO THAT!! [El then bangs her hands on the dresser] ''[pause]'' You're grounded! You know what that means? It means no Eggos... [he throws a pack of Eggos waffles out of the freezer] ...and no TV for a week!
:''[Hopper tries to move the TV, but El holds it in place with her powers]''
:'''Hopper''': Alright, knock it off, let go. ''[El shakes her head, and he tries to move it again]'' Okay, two weeks. ''[he tries again]'' ''Let go!'' ''[El shakes her head]'' A month!
:'''Eleven''': ''No!''
:'''Hopper''': Well, congratulations. You just graduated from no TV for a month, to no TV at all!
:''[He rips the power cord in two]''
:'''Eleven''': NO! No, no... no! ''[she tries to fix it]''
:'''Hopper''':  You have ''got'' to understand that there are consequences to your actions-
:'''Eleven''': YOU are like Papa!
:'''Hopper''': ''[hurt and furious]'' Really? I'm like that psychotic son of a bitch? Well, all right. You wanna go back in the lab? One phone call, I can make that happen.
:'''Eleven''': I ''hate'' you!
:'''Hopper''': Yeah, well I'm not so crazy about you, either. Know why? 'Cause you're a brat. You know what that word means? How 'bout that be your word for the day, huh? Brat: why don't we look it up?  B-R-A-T. Brat.
:''[He tosses the dictionary to her, but she slams it into him with her powers]''
:'''Hopper''': Hey! What the Hell is wrong with you? ''[El uses her powers to ram the couch into his leg]'' Ahhh! Hey, ''HEY!''
:''[El uses her powers to knock over a bookcase, then storms into her room and slams the door shut]''
:'''Hopper''': Hey! Hey! ''Open this door!'' Open this damn door!
:''[Inside, El sits against the wall, sobbing]''
:'''Hopper''': You wanna go out in the world?! You better grow up! GROW THE HELL UP!
:''[El screams, and her powers shatter all the windows, startling Hopper, and she starts crying]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Scott Clarke''': All living things, from complex mammals to single-celled organisms, instinctively respond to danger. Expose a bacterium to a toxic chemical and it will flee, or deploy some other defense mechanism. We're very much the same. When we encounter danger, our hearts start pounding. Our palms start to sweat. These are the signs of the physical and emotional state we call... &quot;fear.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sam Owens''': &quot;Men of science have made abundant mistakes of every kind.&quot; [[George Sarton]] said that. You guys know who George Sarton is?  Doesn't really matter. The point is, mistakes have been made, yes.
:'''Nancy''': &quot;Mistakes?!&quot;
:'''Sam Owens''': Yes.
:'''Nancy''': You ''killed'' Barbara!
:'''Sam Owens''': &quot;Abundant mistakes&quot;.  But, the men involved in those mistakes, the ones responsible for what happened to your brother and... Ms. Holland's death, they're gone. They're gone, and for better or for worse, I'm the schmuck they brought in to make things better. But I ''can't'' make things better without your help.
:'''Nancy''': You mean, without us shutting up?
:'''Sam Owens''': ''[to Jonathan, indicating Nancy]'' She's tough, this one. You guys been together long?
:'''Jonathan''': We're not together.
:'''Sam Owens''': Wanna see what really killed your friend?
:''[They enter the chamber holding the portal to the Upside Down]''
:'''Sam Owens''': Teddy, I brought you an audience today. Hope you don't mind.
:'''Teddy''': The more the merrier, sir.
:'''Sam Owens''': ''[gestures at the  tendrils coming out of the portal]'' I call it, &quot;One Hell of a Mistake.&quot; Wouldn't you? See, the thing is, we can't seem to... ''erase'' our mistake. But we ''can'' stop it from spreading. It's like pulling weeds. But, imagine for a moment, if a foreign state, let's say, the Soviets, if they heard about our mistake. Do you think they would even consider that a mistake? What if they tried to replicate that?  
:''[A man with a protective suit and a flamethrower approaches the portal]''
:'''Sam Owens''': The more attention we draw to ourselves, the more... the more people like the Hollands know the truth, the more likely that scenario becomes. You see why I have to stop the ''truth'' from spreading, too... same as those weeds, there. By whatever means necessary.  
:''[The man begins incinerating the tendrils]''
:'''Sam Owens''': So... we understand each other now.  Don't we?

=== ''Chapter Five: Dig Dug'' [2.05] ===
:'''Mrs. Sinclair''': ''[noticing Erica is using too much syrup]'' That's enough, Erica.
:'''Erica Sinclair''': Uh-uh!
:'''Lucas Sinclair''': Dad?
:'''Mr. Sinclair''': ''[reading his paper]'' Mm-hm?
:'''Lucas Sinclair''': When Mom's mad at you, how do you make her ''not'' mad?
:'''Mrs. Sinclair''': ''[sits down at the table]'' Hmm, that's a great question.  How ''do'' you, hon?
:'''Mr. Sinclair''': ''[not looking up from his paper]'' First, I apologize. Then, I get your mother whatever she wants.
:'''Lucas''':  Even when she's wrong?
:'''Mr. Sinclair''': ''[folds his paper down and looks at Lucas]'' ...She's ''never'' wrong, Son.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Bob sees the pictures Will, Mike and Joyce have been laying around the house, depicting Will's visions from the Shadow Monster.]''
:'''Bob''': ''[startled]'' ...Huh. Hmm. ''[to Will]'' You drew all these, yourself? ''[Will and Joyce both nod]''... Why, exactly?
:'''Joyce''': I, I told you the rules.  No questions, okay? ''[Bob nods]''  We, we just... need you to help us figure out what- Bob? Bob!  Over here! ''[Bob, Will and Mike follow her to a drawing showing an intersection, which she draws an X on]''  Where... where this is.
:'''Mike''':  That's the objective.  Find the X.
:'''Bob''':  Yeah?  What's at the X?  Pirate treasure? ''[chuckles]''
:'''Joyce''': ''[gives him a look]'' Bob? ''No questions''.
:'''Bob''': Okay. ''[pause]'' Lemme talk to you for just a second.  Hang on, guys. ''[he takes her aside]'' Joyce, you can talk to me.  You know that, right?
:'''Joyce''': ...Yeah.  What's the problem, exactly?
:'''Bob''': What's the problem?  Joyce... Will doesn't look well.  ''You'' don't look well.  What's going on?
:'''Joyce''': Nothing!  Nothing-
:'''Bob''': Is this an episode?  Is this one of Will's episodes?
:'''Joyce''': No! ''[scoffs]'' No, no...
:'''Bob''':  I'm sorry.  I just, I don't... see how any of this is ''good'' for Will, or for you.  And even if I wanted to play along, I mean, how could I figure anything out if I don't understand the context of the game? Or... ''[he notices some of the pictures]''
:'''Joyce''': What?  What is it?
:'''Bob''': I ''know'' that shape.  It's Lover's Lake. it's Lover's Lake!  I get it. ''[turns to another set of pictures]'' Okay, I get it! ''That's'' Lake Jordan. ''[moves through the house, Joyce follows as Will and Mike watch]'' And, if that's Lake Jordan, then you can probably find...''[snaps his fingers]'' Yeah! That's, uh Sattler's Quarry, and then, if you just follow it naturally...it moves to... the Eno River. And there it is! That's the Eno, do you see it? ''[Joyce frowns]'' Okay, so the lines aren't roads. But they ''act'' like roads. And they act like roads 'cause when you follow 'em, you'll see... they don't go over ''water.'' And that's the giveaway. That's the giveaway! ''[claps his hands]'' Ha! Don't you get it?  It's not a puzzle. It's a ''map''. It's a map of Hawkins!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Becky takes Eleven upstairs and shows her the nursery Terry made for her originally; Eleven picks up a teddy bear from the crib]''
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': ''[whispers] Pretty.''
:'''Becky Ives''': I can get you a ''real'' bed and you can stay here with me, if you want.  How's that sound? ''[Eleven nods]''  I want to help you, but to do that, I ''need'' you to talk to me, okay?  Doesn't have to be now, doesn't have to be today.  But when you're ready. Okay?
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': ''[turns around]''... Okay.
:''[One of the hall lights starts to flicker, catching Eleven's attention]''
:'''Becky Ives''': ''[noticing]'' Oh, yeah, that.  That happens sometimes. ''[they come into the hall]'' Old house, bad wiring. ''[Another light flickers]'' Or if you ask my crazy Aunt Shirley, it's... ''[she notices Eleven following the lights]'' haunted.
:''[A series of lights flicker as Eleven comes down the stairs, followed by Becky.  Eleven looks around the kitchen until she sees a lamp flickering]''
:'''Becky Ives''': Sweetie, really, it's just the wiring.
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven]''': No. ''[she turns and heads into the living room, where a lamp is flickering right next to Terry]'' It's Mama. ''[she kneels next to her and wipes blood from Terry's nose]''
:'''Terry Ives''': Sunflower. Rainbow. Three to the right. Four to the left.
:'''Becky Ives''': ''[following Eleven]''  I... I don't understand.
:'''Terry Ives''': Four-fifty.
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': She knows I'm here.
:''[The TV channel suddenly begins changing rapidly until there is nothing but static]''
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': She wants to talk.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lucas''': ''[telling Max about their adventure with Eleven]'' And that was the last we ever saw of her.  After that, she was just, ''gone''.  I can't believe it's been that long.  Feels like yesterday.
:'''Max''': ''[sarcastically]'' Yeah, I mean, I bet.  Wow.
:'''Lucas''': It's crazy, I know.
:'''Max''': It's crazy, but... I really liked it.
:'''Lucas''': Liked it?
:'''Max''':  Yeah. Well, I, I had a ''few'' issues.
:'''Lucas''': ''[confused]'' &quot;Issues?&quot;
:'''Max''': I just felt it was a little derivative, in parts, but-
:'''Lucas''': What are you talking about?
:'''Max''': ''[sneers]'' I just wish it had a little more originality, that's all.
:'''Lucas''':  You don't believe me.
:'''Max''': Lucas, come on. Seriously? How gullible do you think I am?
:'''Lucas''': Why would I make this up?
:'''Max''': I don't know.  To impress me, or something? Or, you're just, like... ''insane.''
:'''Lucas''': ''[angrily]'' I tell you all of this! I mean, top-secret stuff! Risking my life!  And ''this'' is how you react?
:'''Max''': ''[scoffs]'' &quot;Risking your life?&quot;
:'''Lucas''': Oh, so this is funny to you?
:'''Max''': Yeah. I mean... ''kind'' of funny. ''[Lucas glares at her, she gets up] Stupid''... but funny.
:'''Lucas''': Where are you going?
:'''Max''': Story time's over, isn't it? ''[she walks back into the Arcade, Lucas follows her]''
:'''Lucas''': What's ''wrong'' with you? I gave you what you wanted.
:'''Max''': I ''wanted'' to be a part of the group, not a part of some ''joke''.
:'''Lucas''': It's ''not'' a joke.
:'''Max''': You did a good job, okay?  You can go tell the others that I believed your lies, if it gets you &quot;experience points&quot; or whatever. :''[she tries to walk away, but Lucas grabs her arm]''
:'''Lucas''': We have a lot of rules in our party, but the most important is, &quot;Friends don't lie.&quot; Never ever, no matter what.
:'''Max''': ''[sarcastically]'' Is that right? ''[pulls the &quot;Out of Order&quot; sign off the Dig Dug console and slaps it on his chest]'' Then how do you explain this?
:'''Lucas''': ''[sighs]'' I had to do that. To protect you-
:'''Max''': ''[angrily]'' To protect me from ''who'', exactly?! The big, bad government baddies from Hawkins Lab?!
:'''Lucas''': ''[glancing around nervously]'' Lower your voice- 
:'''Max''': Or, maybe it was to protect me from the &quot;Demagorgon&quot; from another dimension!
:'''Lucas''': Max, I'm serious, ''shut up!''
:'''Max''': Oh, no, no, no! You know what it was? It was Eleven, the girl-
:'''Lucas''': ''[clamps his hand over her mouth, leans forward and locks eyes with her] Stop talking. You're going to get us killed.  Do you understand?''
:'''Max''': ''[pulls his hand down and stares at him]'' ... You're ''serious?''
:'''Lucas''': I ''really'' wish I wasn't.
:'''Max''': ...Prove it.
:'''Lucas''': I can't.
:'''Max''': So, what?  I'm just supposed to trust you?
:'''Lucas''': ''Yes.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jonathan and Nancy are playing their recording of their conversation with Dr. Owens for Murray Bauman, having told him what happened last year.]''
:'''Nancy''': So, is it... enough? ''[Murray looks up at her]'' The tape recording, is it enough? Is it incriminating?
:''[Murray gets up and wanders back into his kitchen; he starts pouring a glass of Russian vodka]''
:'''Nancy''': What are you doing?!
:'''Murray Bauman''': ''Thinking.''
:'''Nancy''': With ''vodka?''
:'''Murray Bauman''': It's a central nervous system depressant.  So ''yes'', with vodka. ''[shakes it, then goes back to the living room and pulls out a record]''
:'''Nancy''': Music?  Really?
:'''Murray Bauman''': ''Yes''. It helps me... ''[sets the record in the phonograph]''
:'''Jonathan''': What, ''think?''
:''[Murray nods, turns on the phonograph; jazz begins playing as he walks around the room.]''
:'''Nancy''': ''[skeptically]'' How long is this gonna take?
:'''Murray Bauman''': Longer, if you keep ''talking.''
:'''Nancy''': Is the tape incriminating or not?! It's a simple question.
:'''Murray Bauman''': Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho! ''[turns around]'' There's nothing ''simple'' about it, nothing simple about anything you've told me!
:'''Jonathan''': You don't believe us, do you?
:'''Murray Bauman''':  ''I'' believe you, but that's not the ''problem.'' You don't need ''me'' to believe you, you need ''them'' to believe you.
:'''Jonathan''': &quot;Them?&quot;
:'''Murray Bauman''': &quot;Them.&quot;  With a capitol T. ''[waves at his various TV sets]'' Your priest, your postman, your teacher, the world at large. ''[scoffs]'' They won't believe any of this.
:'''Nancy''': That's why we made the tape!
:'''Murray Bauman''': Oh, that's easy to bury.  Easy!
:'''Nancy''': He admits it!  You heard it, he admits culpability!
:'''Murray Bauman''': You're being naive, Nancy!  Those people... they're not wired like me and you, okay?  They don't spend their lives trying to get a look at what's behind the curtain. ''[chuckles]'' They ''like'' the curtain.  It provides them stability, comfort, definition. This... this would open the curtain, and open the curtain behind ''that'' curtain, okay? So the ''minute'' someone with an ounce of authority calls &quot;bullshit&quot;, everyone will nod their heads and say, &quot;See? Ha! I knew it! It ''was'' bullshit!&quot; That is, if you even get their attention at all!
:'''Nancy''': So you're saying we did all this for ''nothing?''
:'''Murray Bauman''': I'm saying, I'm thinking! ''[takes a gulp of vodka, grimaces]'' Oof! 
:''[he goes back to the kitchen, starts opening a bottle of club soda, then pauses; Jonathan turns to Nancy]''
:'''Jonathan''': This is ridiculous.  
:'''Murray Bauman''':... That's it. That's it!
:'''Nancy''': What's it?
:'''Murray Bauman''':  It's just too strong. Too strong! ''[adds soda to his vodka, takes a sip and nods]'' Better. 
:''[He adds more soda, takes another drink. He nods, then looks up at Nancy.]''
:'''Murray Bauman''': ...''Perfect. [grins]''
:'''Nancy''': ''[suddenly smiles]'' We water it down!
:'''Murray Bauman''': ''[points at her]'' Precisely!
:'''Jonathan''': Wait, what?
:'''Murray Bauman''': Your story.  We moderate it.  Just like this drink here.  We make it more ''tolerable. [starts pouring more vodka sodas] Perhaps'' Barbara was exposed to some... dangerous toxins.
:'''Nancy''': A leak from the lab!  Like, Three Mile Island, or something.
:'''Murray Bauman''': Something scary, but familiar! ''[passes her and Jonathan drinks]'' Close enough, that it hits the man right where it hurts.
:'''Nancy''': And those assholes that killed Barb...
:'''Murray Bauman''': They'll go down. ''[lifts his glass in a toast, Jonathan and Nancy follow suit]''

=== ''Chapter Six: The Spy'' [2.06] ===
:'''Steve''': Alright, so let me get this straight: you kept something that you ''knew'' was probably dangerous in order impress a girl? Who, you you just met?
:'''Dustin''': Alright, that's ''grossly'' oversimplifying things
:'''Steve''': I mean, why would a girl like some nasty slug, anyway?
:'''Dustin''': An inter-dimensional slug?!  Because it's ''awesome''.
:'''Steve''':  Well, even if she thought it was cool, which she didn't, I- I just... I don't know, I just feel like you're trying way too hard, man.
:'''Dustin''':  Well, not everyone can have your perfect hair, alright?!
:'''Steve''':  It's not about the ''hair'', man. The key with girls is just... acting like you don't care.
:'''Dustin''': Even if you do?
:'''Steve''':  Yeah, exactly. Drives 'em nuts.
:'''Dustin''': Then what?
:'''Steve''': You just wait, until uh... until you feel it. ''[elbows him]''
:'''Dustin''':  Feel what?
:'''Steve''': It's like before it's gonna storm, you know? You can't see it, but you can feel it, this, uh... electricity, you know?
:'''Dustin''': Oh, like in the electromagnetic field, with the clouds in the atmosphere-
:'''Steve''': No, no, no, no, no. Like a, like a sexual electricity.
:'''Dustin''': Oh.
:'''Steve''': You feel ''that'', and then you make your move.
:'''Dustin''': So that's when you kiss her?
:'''Steve''': No, whoa, whoa!  Slow down, Romeo.
:'''Dustin''': Sorry.
:'''Steve''': Sure, okay, some girls... yeah, they want you to be aggressive, you know? Strong, hot and heavy, like a... I don't know, like a lion. But others, you gotta be slow, you gotta be stealthy. Like a... like a ninja.
:'''Dustin''': What type is Nancy?
:'''Steve''': ''[shortly]'' Nancy's different. She's different than the other girls.
:'''Dustin''': Yeah, she seems pretty special, I guess.
:'''Steve''': Yeah. Yeah, she is.
:'''Dustin''': But... this girl's special too, you know? It's just, like... something about her.
:'''Steve''': Whoa whoa whoa, hey. You're not falling in love with this girl, are you?
:'''Dustin''': No, no.
:'''Steve''': Okay, good. Don't.
:'''Dustin''': I won't.
:'''Steve''': She's only gonna break your heart, and you're way too young for that shit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Hopper:''' Hey, it's, uh It's me. I know that I've been gone too long, and, uh... It's- I just, I want you to know that it's not about you and it's not about our fight. Okay? Something came up, and I will... I will explain it all when I see you. I just I want you to know that I'm not mad. I'm just sorry. About everything. I... I don't want you to get hurt at all. And I don't wanna lose you. Just make sure you heat up some real food. Not just Eggos. And I want you to eat all the peas, even if they're mushy and gross. And I will be home soon.

=== ''Chapter Seven: The Lost Sister'' [2.07] ===
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': I'm looking for my sister.
:'''Axel''': Aww, [[w:Shirley Temple|Shirley Temple]] lost her sister; ''so'' sad.
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': I saw her.  Here. ''[reaches into her bag]''
:'''Funshine''': Uh-uh!  Hand outta pocket. ''Slow''.
:''[El holds out the photo]''
:'''Axel''': Gimme that shit.
:''[He grabs it, then stares at El in shock]''
:'''Mick''': Is that Kali?
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': &quot;Kali?&quot;
:'''Axel''': How'd you find us?  Who else knows you're here?
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': No one.
:'''Axel''': So what, then? Poof? You just show up like magic, with that picture?
:'''Mick''': Stay calm, she's just a kid.
:'''Axel''': A kid who could get us all killed! ''[draws a switchblade]'' If I have to ask again, Shirley, you're gonna start losing things, startin' with those pretty little ''locks'' of yours, yeah?
:'''Mick''': Come on, Axe, put down the knife!
:'''Axel''': How did you find us?!
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': I saw her.
:'''Mick''': Axe!
:'''Axel''': ''[grabs El's arm and raises the knife]'' That's not an answer!
:''[He sees dozens of spiders crawling up his arm, though no one else can]''
:'''Axel''': Jesus, Jesus Christ! Get off! Shit, Shit!
:''[he drops the knife and swats at himself, as El and the others stare at him]''
:'''Kali Prasad/Eight''': You're a ''terrible'' dancer, Axel.
:''[She walks down the stairs and approaches them]''
:'''Axel''': I told you, stay outta my head!
:'''Kali Prasad/Eight''': So we're threatening little girls now, are we?
:'''Axel''': She knows about you!
:'''Dottie''': She had this.
:''[She hands the picture to Kali]''
:'''Kali Prasad/Eight''': Where did you get this?
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': ''[takes it back]'' Mama.
:'''Kali Prasad/Eight''': Your mother gave this to you?
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': In her... dream circle.
:'''Axel''': ''[scoffs]'' &quot;Dream circle&quot;.  I think she's a schizo or something.
:'''Mick''': Says she's looking for her sister.
:'''Axel''': Yeah, like I said, schizo.
:''[He tries to pick up his knife, but El summons it with her powers]''
:'''Mick''': Jesus!
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': ''[handing Kali the knife]'' I saw you. In the rainbow room.
:'''Kali Prasad/Eight''': What is your name?
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': Jane.
:''[Kali rolls up El's sleeve, revealing her tattoo reading 011. El rolls up Kali's sleeve, revealing a tattoo reading 008.]''
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': Sister.
:'''Kali Prasad/Eight''': Sister.
:''[They embrace]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kali Prasad/Eight''': And this... memory your mother shared, that is your only memory of me?
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': Yes.
:'''Kali Prasad/Eleven''': And how long have you been with this... Policeman?
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': Three hundred and twenty-seven days.
:'''Kali Prasad/Eight''': And this policeman, he ''thinks'' he can work out some sort of deal with these men to set you free?
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': Yes. He says soon.
:'''Kali Prasad/Eight''': He's naive, then. We will always be monsters to them, do you understand? ''[El nods sadly]'' Now let me guess: your policeman, he also stops you from using your gifts? ''[El nods]'' What you can do... is ''incredible''. It makes you very special, Jane.
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': Wait. Do ''you'' have a gift?
:'''Kali Prasad/Eight''': Different. I can make people see, or not see, whatever I choose.
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': Is that why you made the man with the crazy hair dance?
:'''Kali Prasad/Eight''': ''[laughs]'' Axel is not so fond of spiders, so...
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': You made him see spiders?
:'''Kali Prasad/Eight''': ''[nods]'' But it doesn't have to be scary.
:''[She opens her hand and conjures an illusion of a butterfly that changes colors]''
:'''Kali Prasad/Eight''': This butterfly, it isn't real. I've just convinced your mind it is. Think of it as a kind of... magic.
:''[She closes her hand around the butterfly, then opens her fingers to show it has vanished]''
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': Are ''you'' real?
:'''Kali Prasad/Eight''': ''[smiles]'' Yes, I'm real.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kali Prasad/Eight''': Everyone you see here was in some way responsible for what happened to us.
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''':... You hurt the Bad Men?
:'''Dottie''': (''sarcastically'') No, we just... give 'em a pat on the back.
:''[Montage of Kali's gang killing a former member of Hawkins Labs]''
:'''Jane Ives''': You... kill them?
:'''Kali Prasad/Eight''': They're criminals.  We simply make them pay for their crimes.
:'''Axel''': Damn, Shirley, what's the matter?  You look like you've seen a ghost.
:'''Dottie''': We can't ''all'' be fighters, I guess.
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': ''I'm'' a fighter.  I've killed.
:''[Flashback of El killing the federal agents who tried to capture her]''
:'''Kali Prasad/Eight''': And these men you killed, did they... deserve it?
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': They hurt me.
:'''Kali Prasad/Eight''': And they ''still'' want to hurt you.  To hurt us.  We're just making the first move.  Come.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kali Prasad/Eight''':  I was once just like you, you know that?  But that's why I'm hard on you, because I ''see'' in you my past mistakes.  
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': ''[sharply]'' They were ''kids''.
:'''Kali Prasad/Eight''': Does that excuse that man's sins?  Were we not also children? (''El looks away'') I remember the day I came to the rainbow room, and you were... gone.  So, when my gifts were strong enough, I used them to escape, and I ran. I ran away as far as I could.  And it was there, far away, that I... I found a place to hide.  A family.  A ''home''.  Just like you and your policeman.  But... they couldn't help me.  So, eventually, I lost them, too.  So, I decided to play the part; to stop hiding.  To ''use'' my gifts against those who hurt us.  You're now faced with the same choice, Jane: go back into hiding and hope they don't find you, or fight, and face them again.
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': Face who?
:'''Kali Prasad/Eight''': The man who calls himself our father.
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': ''[shakes her head]'' Papa is... ''dead''.
:'''Dr. Martin Brenner''': That man tonight disagreed.
:''[El spins around and sees an illusion of Brenner that Kali is projecting into her mind]''
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': ''[stands up]'' You're not real.
:'''Martin Brenner (illusion)''': All this time, and you haven't looked for me? Why? Because you thought I was dead? Or because you were afraid of what you might find?
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': ''[in tears]'' ''Go away''.
:'''Martin Brenner (illusion)''': You have to confront your pain. You have a ''wound'', Eleven, a terrible wound. And it's festering. Do you remember what that means? Festering? It means... a ''rot''. And it will grow. Spread.
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': ''Get out of my head.''
:'''Martin Brenner (illusion)''': And eventually, it will kill you.
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': ''GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!''
:''[The illusion vanishes, Kali kneels in front of a sobbing El]''
:'''Kali Prasad/Eight''': This isn't a prison, Jane.  You're always free to return to your policeman.  Or stay, and avenge your mother.  Let us heal our wounds.  Together.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kali's gang are about to flee after the cops raid their hideout]''
:'''Kali Prasad/Eight''': Jane, get in.
:''[El recalls her visions of Mike and Hopper in trouble]''
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but I have to go back. My friends... my friends are in danger.
:'''Axel''': This isn't time for a talk! We gotta go right now!
:'''Kali Prasad/Eight''': Your mother sent you here for a ''reason'', remember? We belong together. There's nothing for you back there; they cannot save you, Jane!
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': No...But ''I'' can save them.

=== ''Chapter Eight: The Mind Flayer'' [2.08] ===
:'''Sam Owens''': ''[indicating a map]'' This is us, and this is the nearest exit. But even if we somehow make it there, there's no way out.
:'''Hopper''': What do you mean?
:'''Sam Owens''':  The locks are fail secure.
:'''Joyce''': &quot;Fail secure?&quot;
:'''Sam Owens''': If there's a power outage, the building goes on full lockdown.
:'''Bob''': Can it be unlocked remotely?
:'''Sam Owens''': With a computer, sure, but somebody's gotta re-set the breakers.  
:'''Hopper''': Where are the breakers?
:'''Sam Owens''': Breakers are in the basement, three floors down.
:''[Hopper heads for the door]''
:'''Bob''': Hey, where are you going?
:'''Hopper''': To reset the breakers.
:'''Bob''': Okay, then what?
:'''Hopper''': Then we get the Hell out of here.
:'''Bob''': No, then the power comes back on. If you wanna unlock the doors, you have to completely reboot the computer system, and then override the security codes with a manual input.
:'''Hopper''': Fine, how do I do that?
:'''Bob''':  You can't! Not unless you know BASIC.
:'''Hopper''': I don't know what that means.
:'''Mike''': It's a computer-program language.
:'''Hopper''': Alright, teach it to me.
:'''Bob''': ''[sarcastically]'' Shall I teach you ''French'' while I'm at it, Jim? How 'bout a little German? How 'bout you, Doc? You speak BASIC?
:'''Sam Owens''': No.
:'''Bob''': Okay... I got this. I got this.
:'''Joyce''': No, Bob.
:'''Bob''': It's okay. ''[hugs her]'' It's gonna be okay. Remember: Bob Newby, superhero.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': Did you guys know that Bob was the original founder of Hawkins AV Club?
:'''Lucas''': Really?
:'''Mike''': He petitioned the school to start it, and everything. And then he had a fund-raiser for equipment. Mr. Clarke learned ''everything'' from him. Pretty awesome, right?
:'''Dustin''': Yeah.
:'''Mike''': We can't let him die in vain.
:'''Dustin''': Well, what do you wanna do, Mike? Alright, the Chief's right on this; we can't stop those Demo-dogs on our own.
:'''Max''': &quot;Demo-dogs?&quot;
:'''Dustin''': Demogorgon, dogs. Demo-dogs. It's like a compound, it's like a play on words-
:'''Max''': ''Okay''.
:'''Dustin''': I mean, when it was just Dart, maybe.
:'''Lucas''': But there's an ''army'' now.
:'''Dustin''': Precisely.
:'''Mike''': ''His'' army.
:'''Steve''': What do you mean?
:'''Mike''': ''[holding up the drawing of the Shadow Monster]'' ''His'' army! Maybe if we stop him, we can stop his army too.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joyce''': ''[to a possessed Will]'' Do you know what March 22nd is? It's your birthday. ''Your'' birthday. When you turned eight, I gave you that huge box of crayons, do you remember that? It was 120 colors. And all your friends, they got you ''Star Wars'' toys, but all you wanted to do was... draw with all your new colors. And you drew this big spaceship, but it wasn't from a movie, it-it was ''your'' spaceship. A &quot;rainbow ship&quot; is what you called it. And you, you must have used every color in the box. I... I took that with me to Melvald's, and I put it up, and I told ''everyone'' who came in, &quot;My son drew this.&quot; And you were so embarrassed. ''[chuckles tearfully]'' But I was so proud. I was so, so proud.
:'''Jonathan''':  ''[going to sit opposite him]'' Do you remember the day Dad left? We stayed up all night, building Castle Byers, just the way you drew it. And it took ''so'' long, because you were so bad at hammering. You'd miss the nail every time. And then it started raining, but we stayed out there anyway. We were both sick for like a week, after that. But we just had to finish it, didn't we? We just had to.
:''[Will's fingers begin tapping on the chair]''
:'''Mike''': Do you remember the first day we met? It was... it was the first day of kindergarten. I knew nobody. I had no friends, and...I just felt so alone, and so scared, but... I saw you on the swings, and you were alone, too. You were just swinging by yourself. And I just walked up to you, and...I asked. I asked if you wanted to be my friend. And you said yes. You said yes. It was the best thing I've ever done.
:'''Joyce''': Will, baby... if you're in there, just please... please talk to us. Please, honey, please, can you do that for me? Please. I love you so much.
:'''Will''': ''[as the Shadow Monster]'' Let me go.
:''[Hopper notices that Will's finger-tapping is Morse Code]''

=== ''Chapter Nine: The Gate'' [2.09] ===
:'''Mike''': Eleven?
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': Mike?!
:''[They embrace tearfully]''
:'''Max''': Is that...
:''[Lucas and Dustin nod, both staring at Eleven]''
:'''Mike''': I ''never'' gave up on you. I called you every night. Every night, for...
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': Three hundred and fifty-three days. ''[Mike looks shocked]'' I heard.
:'''Mike''': Why didn't you tell me you were there? That you were okay?
:'''Hopper''': Because I wouldn't let her. ''[to Eleven]'' The Hell is this? Where you been?
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': Where've ''you'' been?!
:''[She and Hopper embrace]''
:'''Mike''': You've been hiding her. You've been hiding her this whole time!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hopper''': So what, we're just not gonna talk about it, huh?
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': About what?
:'''Hopper''': Oh, I don't know. I'm just curious why, all of a sudden, you look like some kinda MTV punk? ''[pause]'' I'm not mad, kid. I just wanna know where you've been.That's all.
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': To see Mama.
:'''Hopper''': Okay. How'd you get there?
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': A truck.
:'''Hopper''': &quot;A truck?&quot;
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': A big truck.
:'''Hopper''': &quot;A big truck?&quot; Whose truck was it?
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': A man's.
:'''Hopper''': A ''man's?''
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': A nice man.
:'''Hopper''': Okay. So, let me just get this straight in my head: so, a ''nice man'' in a ''big truck'', he drove you to your mama's? And then what, your- your aunt Becky gave you those clothes and that makeup?!
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': I... I shouldn't have left.
:'''Hopper''': Hmm-mm, No. No, this isn't on you, kid. I should've been there. I should never have lied to you about your mom... or about when you could leave. A lot of things I shouldn't have done. Sometimes, I feel like I'm... like I'm just some kinda black hole or something.
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': &quot;Black hole?&quot;
:'''Hopper''': Yeah, it's a... y'know, it's this thing in outer space. It's like... it sucks everything towards it and destroys it. Sarah had a picture book about outer space, she loved it.
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': Who's Sarah?
:'''Hopper''': Sarah? Sarah's my girl. ''[looks at her]'' She's my little girl.
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': Where is she?
:'''Hopper''': Well, that's kinda the thing, kid. She, uh... well, she left us.
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': ''Gone''.
:'''Hopper''': Yeah. The black hole. It got her. And, somehow... I've just been scared, you know. I've just been scared that it would take ''you'', too. I guess that's why I get... so mad. ''[shakes his head]'' I'm so sorry. For everything. I can be so... so...
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': ''Stupid.''
:'''Hopper''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah... stupid. Just really stupid.  
:''[Eleven squeezes his hand]''
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': I've been stupid, too.
:'''Hopper''': I guess we broke our rule. ''[Eleven smiles tearfully]'' I don't hate it, by the way. This whole... look. Kinda cool.
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': ''[smirks]'' Bitchin'.
:'''Hopper''': Okay, sure. ''[smiles]'' &quot;Bitchin'&quot;.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sam Owens''': Chief-o!
:'''Hopper''': How's the leg?
:'''Sam Owens''': Better! Though I'm pretty sure my ''football'' career is over. ''[offers half his sandwich]'' Hey, you want some of this? There's no way I'm gonna finish it.
:'''Hopper''':  No. I'm, uh, I'm on a diet.
:'''Sam Owens''': Well, you're a better man than me. Hey, I got a little something for you.
:''[He hands him an envelope; Hopper opens it to find an altered birth certificate for Eleven, naming her as Jane &quot;Hopper&quot;]''
:'''Sam Owens''': Congratulations, Pops.
:'''Hopper''':  I thought...
:'''Sam Owens''': Sometimes, I impress even myself. Still, I'd let things cool off for a while, if I were you.
:'''Hopper''': How long's a while?
:'''Sam Owens''': You wanna be safe, I'd give it a year.
:'''Hopper''': A ''year?'' ''[he takes the sandwich and bites into it]'' What about one night out?
:'''Sam Owens''': One night?
:'''Hopper''': Yeah. How risky would that be?
:'''Sam Owens''':  What's so important about one night?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Nancy notices Dustin crying after being rudely rejected by two girls at the Snow Ball]''
:'''Nancy''': Hey.
:'''Dustin''': Hey.
:'''Nancy''': ''[offers her hand]'' Wanna dance?
:'''Dustin''': What?
:'''Nancy''': Come on, let's go. Here. ''[she puts his hands on her waist]'' Mm-hm. Closer. 
:''[Dustin hesitantly moves closer]''
:'''Nancy''': ''[smiles]'' A ''little'' closer. Okay. Now, feel the music, the rhythm. Start to move to it... Yeah, there.
:'''Dustin''': Good?
:'''Nancy''': That's good, yeah. You know, out of all my brother's friends... you're my favorite. You've always been my favorite.
:'''Dustin''': ''[grins]'' Really?
:'''Nancy''': Yeah. 
:''[They glance at the girls who rejected Dustin, who are staring at them]''
:'''Nancy''':  Girls this age are... dumb. But, you give 'em a few years... and they'll wise up. You're gonna drive 'em nuts.
:'''Dustin''': You think so?
:'''Nancy''': Oh, I ''know'' so.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mike meets Eleven at the Snow Ball]''
:'''Mike''': Do you want to dance?
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': I... don't know how.
:'''Mike''': I don't either. Do you want to figure it out?
:''[Eleven nods]''

== Season 3 ==
=== ''Chapter One: Suzie, Do You Copy?'' [3.01] ===
:'''Lucas''': ''[about Eleven and Mike]'' They do this every time!
:'''Max''': It's romantic!
:'''Will''': It's gross!
:'''Dustin''': It's bullshit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Billy''': ''[to Karen Wheeler]'' You know, I could uh, teach you if like. I know all the styles. Freestyle... butterfly... breast stroke.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hopper''': Maybe I should just kill Mike. I'm the chief of police, I could cover it up.

=== ''Chapter Two: The Mall Rats'' [3.02] ===
:'''Eleven''': ''[breaking up with Mike]'' I dump your ass.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lucas''': ''[to Mike]'' I'm not gonna lie, it's gonna be bad. But you can fix this. It's just one little mistake. I've made hundreds, thousands. Max has dumped me five times. But what have I done? Huh? Have I despaired? No. I've marched back into battle, and I've won her back every single freaking time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Hopper, having been stood up by Joyce, moves to leave the restaurant with a bottle of wine]''
:'''Waiter''': Sir, I'm afraid no alcohol is allowed off the premises.
:'''Hopper''': ''[blows raspberry]'' I can do anything I want. I'm the chief of police.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve''': I gotta keep in shape for the ladies.
:'''Robin''': Yeah, and how's that working out for you?
:'''Steve''': Ignore her.
:'''Dustin''': She seems cool.
:'''Steve''': She's not.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robin''': So I guess that confirms your suspicion.
:'''Dustin''': Evil Russians.
:'''Robin''': I can't believe I'm about to agree with this strange child, but, yeah, totally evil Russians.

=== ''Chapter Three: The Case of the Missing Lifeguard'' [3.03] ===
:'''Mike''': ''[to Will]'' El is not stupid! It's not my fault you don't like girls! ''[pause]'' Look, I wasn't trying to be a jerk. It's just that we're not kids anymore.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Max''': But here's the thing. When Billy is alone with a girl they make like really crazy noises.
:'''Eleven''': They scream?
:'''Max''': Yeah, but like, happy screams.
:'''Eleven''': Happy screams what is happy screams?
:'''Max''': It's like... I'm just gonna lend you my mom's Cosmo.

=== ''Chapter Four: The Sauna Test'' [3.04] ===
:'''Dustin''': ''[about a ventilation shaft]'' I'll fit. Trust me. No collar bones, remember?
:'''Robin''': Uh, excuse me?
:'''Steve''': Oh, he's, uh Yeah, he's got some disease. Chry, uh, It's chrydo, um... something. Yeah, I dunno. He's missing bones and stuff. He can bend like Gumbo.
:'''Robin''': You mean Gumby.
:'''Steve''': I'm pretty sure it's Gumbo.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dustin''': Don't you love your country?
:'''Erica''': You can't spell &quot;America&quot; without &quot;Erica&quot;.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Erica''': Commence Operation Child Endangerment.
:'''Robin''': Can we maybe not call it that?

=== ''Chapter Five: The Flayed'' [3.05] ===
:'''Joyce''': What is your problem? We have had a very long day. We've been shot at, nearly blown up, walked god knows how many miles in 100 degree heat, stole a car, all while being chased by this gigantic psychopath, all so we could bring HIM to YOU because somehow you're the closest person who speaks Russian, which I can't believe but that doesn't matter because unfortunately we're here, so if you don't mind put that thing away, stop behaving like a jackass, and ask him what he's doing that is making my magnets fall off my damn fridge! Please!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': What are they still doing in there?
:'''Lucas''': I don't know. Girls just like hanging out in bathrooms.
:'''Mike''': Why?
:'''Lucas''': I mean, I don't know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Alexei''': ''[in Russian]'' Get that out of my face, you bald American pig.
:'''Murray''': ''[in Russian]'' I may be bald, but you're the one in handcuffs, Soviet scum.

=== ''Chapter Six: E Pluribus Unum'' [3.06] ===
:'''Murray''': I don't understand what he's saying.
:'''Joyce''': I thought you were fluent.
:'''Murray''': Oh, I'm sorry. Are my free translation services not good enough for you? Because you can just go ahead and file your complaint right up my ass!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Murray''': ''[translating for Alexei, speaking to Hopper]'' He says he likes your courage. You remind him of a fat Rambo.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dustin''': Holy shit - you're a nerd!
:'''Erica''': Come again?
:'''Dustin''': You... are... a... nerd!
:'''Erica''': Okay, you better take that back, nerd!
:'''Dustin''': Can't put the truth back in the box.
:'''Erica''': But it's not the truth.
:'''Dustin''': Let's examine the facts, shall we? Fact one: you're a math whiz, apparently...
:'''Erica''': That was a pretty straightforward equation.
:'''Dustin''': Fact two: you're a political junkie...
:'''Erica''': Just because I don't agree with communism as an ideology...
:'''Dustin''': ''[holding up her backpack]'' Fact number three: you LOVE 'My Little Pony.'
:'''Erica''': And what does 'My Little Pony' have to do with this?
:'''Dustin''': Let's recall the ponies' latest adventure, shall we? The evil centaur team and Tyrek turns Applejack into a dragon at Midnight Castle, and Megan and the other ponies have to use Moochik's magic to defeat his rainbow of darkness, saving them from a lifetime of enslavement. All the pink in the world can't disguise the irrefutable fact that centaurs and castles and dragons and magic are all standard nerd tropes. Ergo, 'My Little Pony' is nerdy, ergo, you, Erica, are a nerd.
:'''Erica''': And how do YOU know so much about 'My Little Pony?'
:'''Dustin''': Because, I'm a nerd. ''[finishes shutting off the fan]'' Let's go... Nerd.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Billy''': ''[Mindflayer speaking through Billy]'' You shouldn't have looked for me. Because now I see you. Now we can all see you. ''You'' let us in. And now, you are going to have to let us stay. Don't you see? All this time, we've been building it. We've been building it, for you. All that work. All that ''pain''. All of it... for you. And now it's time. Time to end it. And we're going to end you and when you are gone we are going to end your friends.
:'''Eleven''': ''[screams]'' No!
:'''Billy''': And then we are going to end... everyone.
:''[Billy sheds tear]''
:'''Eleven''': ''[screams]'' Get away!

=== ''Chapter Seven: The Bite'' [3.07] ===
:'''Dustin''': Are you gonna die on us?
:'''Robin''': We all die, my strange little child friend. It's just a matter of how and when.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robin''': Do you remember what I said about Click's class? About me being jealous and, like, obsessed? Yeah.
:'''Steve''': Yeah.
:'''Robin''': It isn't because I had a crush on you. It's because she wouldn't stop staring at you.
:'''Steve''': Mrs. Click?
:''[Robin laughs to herself]''
:'''Robin''': Tammy Thompson. I wanted her to look at me. But she couldn't pull her eyes away from you and your stupid hair. And I didn't understand, because you would get bagel crumbs all over the floor. And you asked dumb questions. And you were a douchebag. And-and you didn't even like her and I would go home and just scream into my pillow.
:'''Steve''': But Tammy Thompson's a girl.
:'''Robin''': ''[softly]'' Steve.
:'''Steve''': Yeah? ''[He sees Robin's expression]'' Oh. Oh. Holy cow.
:'''Robin''': Yeah. Holy cow.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Max''': ''[to Nancy, who is bandaging El's wound]'' Whoah, hey, what are you doing?
:'''Nancy''': Cleaning the wound?
:'''Max''': No, first we need to stop the bleeding, then clean, then disinfect, then bandage.
:''[everyone stares at her]''
:'''Max''': I skateboard, trust me.

=== ''Chapter Eight: The Battle of Starcourt'' [3.08] ===
:'''Hopper''': ''[to Mike and Eleven]'' There's something I've been wanting to talk to you both about - and I know this is a difficult conversation. But I care about you both very much. And I know you care about each other very much and that's why it's important that we set these boundaries moving forward so we can build an environment, where we ALL feel comfortable, trusted and open to sharing our feelings. Feelings. Jesus. The truth is, for so long, I'd forgotten what those even were. I've been stuck in one place - in a cave, you might say. A deep dark cave. And then, I left some Eggos out in the woods and you came into my life and... for the first time in a long time, I started to feel things again. I started to feel happy. But lately, I guess I've been feeling... distant from you. Like you're pulling away from me or something. I miss playing board games every night, making triple-decker Eggo extravaganzas at sunrise, watching westerns together before we doze off. But I know you're getting older, growing, changing. And I guess... if i'm being really honest, that's what scares me. I don't want things to change. So I think maybe that's why I came here, to try to maybe... stop that change. To turn back the clock. To make things go back to how they were. But I know that's naive. It's just... not how life works. It's moving. Always moving whether you like it or not. And yeah, sometimes it's painful. Sometimes it's sad and sometimes it's surprising. Happy. So you know what? Keep on growing up, kid. Don't let me stop you. Make mistakes, learn from 'em, and when life hurts you - because it will - remember the hurt. The hurt is good. It means you're out of that cave. But, please, if you don't mind, for the sake of your poor old dad, keep the door open three inches.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Suzie''': Dusty-bun?
:'''Erica''': &quot;Dusty-bun&quot;?
:'''Suzie''': Where have you been?
:'''Dustin''': I'm so, so sorry. I--I've been really busy uh, trying to save the world from Russians and monsters.
:'''Suzie''': Of course you have.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Suzie''': I haven't heard from you in a week, and now you want a mathematical equation that you should know so you can save the world?
:'''Dustin''': Suzie-poo, I promise, I will make it up to you as soon as possible.
:'''Suzie''': You can make it up to me now.
:'''Dustin''': What?
:'''Suzie''': I want to hear it.
:'''Dustin''': Not right now.
:'''Suzie''': Yes, now, Dusty-bun.
:'''Dustin''': Suzie-poo, this is urgent.
:'''Suzie''': Yes, yes, you're saving the world, I heard you the first time, but Ged is also saving Earthsea and he's about to confront the shadow, so this is Suzie, signing off.
:'''Dustin''': Wait, wait, wait! Okay. Okay. Shit. ''[He starts nervously singing The Neverending Story by Limahl]'' Turn around Look at what you see...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Will puts his &quot;Dungeons &amp; Dragons&quot; rulebooks in a box]''
:'''Mike''': Whoa, dude. That's the donation box.
:'''Will''': I know. I'll just use yours when I come back. I mean, if we still want to play.
:'''Mike''': Yeah but what if you want to join another party?
:'''Will''': Not possible.
:''[a touched Mike grins. Will returns the smile]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eleven''': Did you talk to your mom? About Thanksgiving?
:'''Mike''': Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got the okay. I'll be there. And then I was thinking maybe you could come up here for Christmas. And Will too. You can come here before or after Christmas or whatever Mrs. Byers wants but I was thinking Christmas Day could be super fun because we'd all have cool new presents to play with and, uh... ''[chuckles]'' Sorry, that made me sound like a seven-year-old.
:'''Eleven''': I like presents too.
:'''Mike''': Yeah, cool. Yeah. I like... I like presents too.
:''[...]''
:'''Eleven''': Mike?
:'''Mike''': Yeah?
:'''Eleven''': Remember that day… at the cabin, you were talking to Max?
:'''Mike''': Um … I don't think I follow.
:'''Eleven''': You talked about your-- your feelings, your heart.
:'''Mike''': Oh. Oh, yeah, that. Man, that was so long ago. Um … That was really heat of the moment stuff, and we were arguing and… I don't really remember… What did I say, exactly?
:'''Eleven''': Mike… I love you too.
:''[Eleven moves closer and kisses Mike]''

== Season 4 ==
=== ''Chapter One: The Hellfire Club'' [4.01] ===
&lt;small&gt;Note: This episode is 1 hour and 18 minutes in length.&lt;/small&gt;

:'''Lucas''': If I get in good with these guys, I'll be in the popular crowd, and then you guys will be too.
:'''Mike''': Has it ever occurred to you that we don't want to be popular?
:'''Lucas''': So you wanna be stuck with the nerds and freaks for three more years?
:'''Dustin''': We ARE nerds and freaks!

=== ''Chapter Two: Vecna's Curse'' [4.02] ===
&lt;small&gt;Note: This episode is 1 hour and 17 minutes in length.&lt;/small&gt;

:''[a frightened Eddie pins Steve to the wall with a broken bottle to his throat]''
:'''Dustin''': Eddie! Eddie! It's me. It's Dustin. This is Steve. He's not gonna hurt you, right, Steve?
:'''Steve''': Right. Yeah.
:'''Dustin''': Steve, why don't you drop the oar?
:''[Steve does so, but Eddie holds the broken bottle closer to Steve's throat]''
:'''Dustin''': He's cool. He's cool.
:'''Steve''': ''[choked]'' I'm cool, man. I'm cool.
:'''Eddie''': What are you doing here?
:'''Dustin''': We're looking for you.
:'''Robin''': We're here to help.
:'''Dustin''': Eddie, these are my friends. You know Robin, from band.
:''[She imitates playing the trumpet]''
:'''Dustin''': This is my friend Max. The one who never wants to play D&amp;D.
:''[Max gives Eddie a half-hearted wave]''
:'''Dustin''': Eddie, we're on your side. I swear on my mother. Right, guys?
:'''Max''': Yes. Yes, we swear.
:'''Robin''': On Dustin's mother.
:'''Steve''': Yeah, Dustin's... Dustin's mother.
:''[after a tense pause, Eddie finally releases Steve]''

=== ''Chapter Three: The Monster and the Superhero'' [4.03] ===
:'''Steve''': Always the babysitter. Always the goddamn babysitter!

=== ''Chapter Four: Dear Billy'' [4.04] ===
&lt;small&gt;Note: This episode is 1 hour and 18 minutes in length.&lt;/small&gt;

:'''Max''': Dear Billy, I don't know if you can even hear this. Two years ago, I would have said, &quot;That's ridiculous, impossible.&quot; But that was before I found out about alternate dimensions and monsters, so... I'm just going to stop assuming that I know anything. So much has happened since you left. Your dad was a total mess. He and my mom started getting into fights. Bad fights. I don't think he could stand being here without you. So he left. And he didn't leave Mom much. She's taken an extra job, and we moved to that lovely trailer park off Kerley. Basically, ever since you left, everything's been... a total disaster. And the worst part is, I can't tell anyone why you're gone. I can't tell them that you saved El's life. That you saved my life. I play that moment back in my head all the time. And sometimes I imagine myself running to you, pulling you away. I imagine that if I had, that you would still be here. And everything would be... everything would be right again. I imagine that we... that we could've become friends. Good friends, like... like a real brother and sister. And I know that's stupid. You hated me. I hated you. But I thought that maybe... maybe we could try again. But that's not what happened. I just... I stood there and I watched. For a while, I tried to be happy. Normal. But I... I think that maybe a part of me died that day too. And I haven't told anyone this. I... I just can't. But I had to tell you. Before it's too late. If you can even hear this. I really hope that you can. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry, Billy. Love, your shitty little sister, Max.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Victor Creel''': This demon, it was taunting me. And I was sure it would take me, just as he'd taken my Virginia. But then... I heard... another voice. At first I believed it was an angel. And I... I followed her, only to find myself... in a nightmare far worse.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': Thanks, by the way.
:'''Will''': For what?
:'''Mike''': For knocking some sense into me. I mean, I was being a total self-pitying idiot.
:'''Will''': I didn't say it.
:'''Mike''': You didn't have to. ''[chuckles]'' Hey, also about the last few days...
:'''Will''': You don't have to say anything. I... I was being a total jerk to El. I deserved it.
:'''Mike''': No. No, no, no. You didn't deserve anything. Listen, the truth is the last year has been weird, you know? And I mean, you know, Max and Lucas and Dustin, they're... they're great. They're great. It's just... It's Hawkins. It's not the same without you. And I feel like maybe I was worrying too much about El, and I don't know, maybe I feel like I lost you or something. Does that make sense?
:''[Will nods]''
:'''Mike''': I have no idea what's gonna happen next. But, whatever it is, I... I think we should work together. I think it'll be easier if we're... we're a team. Friends. Best friends.
:'''Will''': ''[touched; close to tears]'' Cool.
:'''Mike''': ''[smiles]'' Cool.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robin''': Hatch said that music can reach parts of the brain that words can't. So maybe that's the key, a lifeline. A lifeline back to reality. It's worth a shot.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lucas''': I thought we lost you.
:'''Max''': I'm still... I'm still here. I'm still here.

=== ''Chapter Five: The Nina Project'' [4.05] ===
&lt;small&gt;Note: This episode is 1 hour and 16 minutes in length.&lt;/small&gt;

:'''Mike''': I should have explained myself. Cause maybe Eleven would have taken me with her and things would have been different then. But I didn't know what to say.
:'''Will''': Sometimes, I think it's just scary to open up like that. To say how you really feel. Especially to the people you care about the most. Because what if... what if they don't like the truth?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hopper''': I used to think I was cursed. Ever since I was 18. Got some letter of induction in the mail. Uncle Sam wants me to go fight some war in the jungle. Charlie's moving south like a plague 'cause of commie bastards like you, and... you know, I'm happy enough to go. Prove to my old man I'm not the piece of shit he thinks I am. I get over there, I must test well, and they put me in the Chemical Corps. There I am. I'm just... a kid, you know. I'm 18 years old, 8,000 miles away, and I'm mixing up these... 55-gallon drums of Agent Orange. With just these kitchen gloves, you know? We used to clean out these buffalo turbines after a run and just be inhaling the stuff. No masks, nothing. &quot;It's not chemical warfare. It's just herbicide to kill plants. Harmless.&quot; That's what they told us. And then I got back to real life, and these guys I worked with, the ones that made it back, they started trying to get back to normal, you know? Having families. And then things started going wrong. Kids born stillborn. Dead in the womb. Crooked spines, eyes popped out. The horror... followed us, clung to us. My wife Diane, she wanted a baby. I did too. We had a baby, and she was, um... She was born healthy. She was perfect, you know. Sara. And then she died. It wasn't an easy death. She... suffered. I knew the risks, but I, um... I hid them. And then Diane left me. She didn't blame me. Not with words. After that, I was just... I just hid myself in drugs and alcohol. And then people started coming into my life. This girl El, and Joyce just happened, and I told myself they needed me. But that wasn't true. That's a lie. They didn't need me. I needed them. I needed them. You were right, what you said last night. I knew the risks, breaking out of here, but I did it anyway. The minute I sent for Joyce, the minute I sent for her, I sentenced her to death. Just like I did with Sara. Everyone I love, I hurt. See, I was wrong this whole time. I wasn't cursed. I ''am'' the curse.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robin''': I mean, it's just a clock. Right? Like a normal old clock.
:'''Steve''': Why is this wizard obsessed with clocks? Maybe he's, like, a clockmaker or something?
:'''Dustin''': I think you cracked the case, Steve.

=== ''Chapter Six: The Dive'' [4.06] ===
&lt;small&gt;Note: This episode is 1 hour and 15 minutes in length.&lt;/small&gt;

:'''Jason Carver''': How do you expect to stop the devil if you don't believe he's real?

=== ''Chapter Seven: The Massacre at Hawkins Lab'' [4.07] ===
&lt;small&gt;Note: This episode is 1 hour and 38 minutes in length.&lt;/small&gt;

:'''One''': Like you, I didn't fit in with the other children. Something was wrong with me. All the teachers and the doctors said I was... &quot;Broken,&quot; they said. My parents thought a change of scenery, a fresh start in Hawkins, might just cure me. It was absurd. As if the world would be any different here. But then... to my surprise, our new home provided a discovery. And a new found sense of purpose. I found a nest of black widows living inside a vent. Most people fear spiders. They detest them. And yet, I found them endlessly fascinating. More than that, I found a great comfort in them. A kinship. Like me, they are solitary creatures. And deeply misunderstood. They are gods of our world. The most important of all predators. They immobilize and feed on the weak, bringing balance and order to an unstable ecosystem. But the human world was disrupting this harmony. You see, humans are a unique type of pest, multiplying and poisoning our world, all while enforcing a structure of their own. A deeply unnatural structure. Where others saw order, I saw a straitjacket. A cruel, oppressive world dictated by made-up rules. Seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, decades. Each life a faded, lesser copy of the one before. Wake up, eat, work, sleep, reproduce, and die! Everyone is just waiting. Waiting for it all to be over. All while performing in a silly, terrible play, day after day. I could not do that. I could not close off my mind and join in the madness. I could not pretend. And I realized I didn't have to. I could make my own rules. I could restore balance to a broken world. A predator... but for good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hopper''': The last time I was with El, she wanted just about nothing to do with me. I was just in her way, really. I think back to the way I was with my dad at that age. I was the same way. The exact same way. I think it must be hardwired into us to reject our fathers. So we can grow and move on. Become something of our own. I hope that's what she's doing. Coming into her own.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dustin''': Bada-bada-boom!

=== ''Chapter Eight: Papa'' [4.08] ===
&lt;small&gt;Note: This episode is 1 hour and 20 minutes in length.&lt;/small&gt;

:''[Owens is handcuffed and eye to eye with Jack Sullivan, who's preparing to order a sharpshooter to take out Eleven.] ''
:'''Owens''': Jack, don't do this. I'm begging you.
:''[Jack doesn't say anything for a few seconds, as if considering...then...] ''
:'''Sullivan''': ''[over the radio]'' Take it.
:'''Owens''': ''[Enraged]'' ''You son of a bitch! No! You son of a bitch!''

=== ''Chapter Nine: The Piggyback'' [4.09] ===
&lt;small&gt;Note: This episode is 2 hours and 19 minutes in length.&lt;/small&gt;

:'''Eleven''': Max, are you okay?
:'''Max''': Huh?
:'''Eleven''': Are you okay?
:'''Max''': Yeah. Are you... Are you real? Di... Did I make you?
:'''Eleven''': I'm real.
:'''Max''': How?
:'''Eleven''': I piggybacked from a pizza dough freezer.
:'''Max''': What?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eddie''': I didn't run away this time, right?
:'''Dustin''': No. No, no, no, no. You didn't run.
:'''Eddie''': You're gonna have to look after those little sheep for me, okay?
:'''Dustin''': No, you're gonna do that yourself!
:'''Eddie''': Nah, man. Say, &quot;I'm gonna look after them.&quot; Say it.
:'''Dustin''': I'm... I'm gonna look after...
:'''Eddie''': Good. 'Cause I'm actually gonna graduate. I think it's my year, Henderson. I think it's finally my year. I love you, man.
:'''Dustin''': I love you too.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dustin''': ''[to Eddie's uncle]'' I wish everyone had gotten to know him. Really know him. Because they would've loved him, Mr. Munson. They would've loved him. Even in the end... he never stopped being Eddie. Despite everything. I never even saw him get mad. He could've run. He could've saved himself. But he fought. He fought and died to protect this town. This town that... hated him. He isn't just innocent... Mr. Munson, he's... he's a hero.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lucas''': ''[to Jason]'' I thought I wanted to be like you. Popular. Normal. But it turns out, normal's just a raging psychopath.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': El? I don't know if you can hear this, but... but if you can, I want you to know I'm here, okay? I'm right here. And... I love you. El, do you hear me? I love you. I'm sorry I don't say it more. I... It's not because I'm scared of you. I'm not. I've never felt that way. Never. But I am scared that one day you'll realize you don't need me anymore. And I thought if I said how I felt, it would somehow make that day hurt more. But the truth is, El, I don't know how to live without you. I feel like my life started that day we found you in the woods. You were wearing that yellow Benny's Burgers T-shirt. And it was so big, it almost swallowed you whole. And I knew right then and there, in that moment, that I loved you. And I've loved you every day since. I love you on your good days. I love you on your bad days. I love you with your powers, I love you without your powers. I love you for exactly who you are. You're my superhero. And... I can't lose you. Okay? Do you hear me? I can't lose you. You can do anything. You can fly. You can move mountains. I believe that. I really do. But right now, you just have to fight. Okay? El. Do you hear me? You need to fight! You have to fight. Fight! FIGHT!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eleven''': ''[to Vecna, about Max]'' If you touch her again, I will kill you again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vecna''': All I needed was someone to open the door. And you did that for me. Without even realizing it. Didn't you? And when you did realize, you chose to resist. So I sought a means to open my own doors. I sought... your power. So, don't you see? Once again, you have freed me.
:'''Eleven''': No. You don't have to do this. You can still stop this.
:'''Vecna''': It is over, Eleven. Your friends have lost. There is nothing... nothing you can do to stop this now. Hawkins will burn and fall. And the rest of this senseless, broken world. And I will be there. I will be there to pick up the pieces when it does. And remake it into something... beautiful. There was a time when I had hoped to have you by my side. But now I just want you to watch.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Max''': Lucas...
:'''Lucas''': Yes, yes I'm here. I'm here.
:'''Max''': I... I can't feel or... see anything.
:'''Lucas''': I know. I know. It's okay. We're gonna get you help, okay? Just... Just hold on.
:'''Max''': Lucas, I'm scared. I'm so scared. I'm so scared.
:'''Lucas''': I know. I know. I know.
:'''Max''': I don't wanna die. I'm not ready.
:'''Lucas''': You're not gonna die. Hang on.
:'''Max''': I don't wanna go! I'm not ready.
:'''Lucas''': You're not gonna die! Just hang on! Max. Max! Max! No, no, no, Max. Stay with me. Stay with me! Don't go, Max! Max stay with me. Just look at me, Max. Max, look. No. Stay with me, Max. Hang on. Just hang on. Erica, help! Max? Max? Max? Max? Max, stay with me. Max, stay with me. No! No! Max! Max! Please, stay with me! No! Max! Max!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eleven''': I kept it open. I kept the door open three inches.
:'''Hopper''': I know.
:'''Eleven''': I never stopped believing.
:'''Hopper''': Oh, I know. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. I'm here. I'm here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': Let's hope One is dead and rotting.
:'''Will''': He's not. Now that I'm here, in Hawkins, I can feel him. And he's hurt. He's hurting. But he's still alive. It's strange, knowing now who it was this whole time, but... I can still remember what he thinks, and how he thinks. And he's not going to stop. Ever. Not until he's taken everything. And everyone. We have to kill him.
:'''Mike''': And we will. We will.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Winona Ryder|Winona Ryder]] - Joyce Byers
* [[w:David Harbour|David Harbour]] - Jim Hopper
* [[w:Finn Wolfhard|Finn Wolfhard]] - Mike Wheeler
* [[Millie Bobby Brown]] - [[w:Eleven (Stranger Things)|Eleven]] &quot;El&quot;
* [[w:Gaten Matarazzo|Gaten Matarazzo]] - Dustin Henderson
* [[w:Caleb McLaughlin|Caleb McLaughlin]] - Lucas Sinclair
* [[w:Natalia Dyer|Natalia Dyer]] - Nancy Wheeler
* [[w:Charlie Heaton|Charlie Heaton]] - Jonathan Byers
* [[w:Cara Buono|Cara Buono]] - Karen Wheeler
* [[w:Matthew Modine|Matthew Modine]] - Martin Brenner
* [[w:Noah Schnapp|Noah Schnapp]] - Will Byers
* [[w:Joe Keery|Joe Keery]] - Steve Harrington
* [[w:Sadie Sink|Sadie Sink]] - Maxine &quot;Max&quot; Mayfield
* [[w:Dacre Montgomery|Dacre Montgomery]] - Billy Hargrove
* [[w:Paul Reiser|Paul Reiser]] - Sam Owens
* [[w:Sean Astin|Sean Astin]] - Bob Newby
* [[w:Maya_Hawke|Maya Hawke]] - Robin Buckley
* [[w:Priah_Ferguson|Priah Ferguson]] - Erica Sinclair
* [[w:Joseph Quinn (actor)|Joseph Quinn]] - Eddie Munson
* [[w:Brett Gelman|Brett Gelman]] - Murray Bauman
* [[w:Mason Dye|Mason Dye]] - Jason Carver

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}} 
* {{imdb title|4574334|Stranger Things}}
* [http://www.magicalquote.com/series/stranger-things/ Stranger Things] quotes at the MagicalQuote

[[Category:2010s American drama TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American horror TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American mystery TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American science fiction TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American supernatural TV shows]]
[[Category:Current shows]]
[[Category:Netflix shows]]</text>
      <sha1>t3qlb9q0rmz07z86niz0s9hzntqkvvw</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153844</id>
      <parentid>3153843</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-12T07:41:16Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>87.38.66.5</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Chapter Six: The Monster [1.06] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="93943" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Stranger Things|Stranger Things]]''''' is an American TV series created by the [[w:Duffer brothers|Duffer brothers]] for [[w:Netflix|Netflix]]. It revolves the investigation into the disappearance of a young boy by his friends, older brother and traumatized mother and the local police chief, amid supernatural events occurring around the town, including the appearance of a psychokinetic girl who helps the missing boy's friends in their own search.

== Season 1 ==
=== ''Chapter One: The Vanishing of Will Byers'' [1.01] ===
:'''Mike''': Something's coming. Something hungry for blood. A shadow grows on the wall behind you, swallowing you in darkness. It is almost here.
:'''Will''': It was a seven. The roll, it was a seven. The demogorgon - it got me. See you tomorrow

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hopper''': Flo, Flo, we've discussed this, mornings are for coffee and contemplation.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hopper''': Joyce, this is Hawkins, okay? You wanna know the worst thing that's ever happened here in the four years I've been working here? Do you wanna know the worst thing? It was when an owl attacked Eleanor Gillespie's head because it thought that her hair was a nest.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dustin''': Guys, I really think we should turn back.
:'''Lucas''': Seriously Dustin? You want to be a baby, then go home already!
:'''Dustin''': I'm just being realistic, Lucas!
:'''Lucas''': No you're being a big sissy!
:'''Dustin''': Did you ever think maybe Will went missing because he ran into something bad? And we're going to the exact same spot where he was last seen? And we have no weapons or anything?
:'''Mike''': Dustin shut up…
:'''Dustin''': I'm just saying: does that seem smart to you?
:'''Mike''': Shut up, shut up... did you guys hear that?
:'''Hopper''': Okay, okay, okay, one at a time, all right?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Troy''': Step right up, ladies and gentlemen. Step right up and get your tickets for the freak show.
:'''Troy''': Who do you think would make more money in a freak show? Midnight, Frogface, or Toothless?
:'''James''': ''[mimicking Dustin]'' I'd go with Toothless. 
:'''Dustin''': I told you a million times my teeth are coming in. It's called cleidocranial dysplasia.
:'''James''': ''[mimicking Dustin]'' I told you a million times.
:'''Troy''': ''[chuckles]'' Do the arm thing. 
:'''James''': Do it, freak. 
:''[Dustin cracking and flexing his bone]''
:'''Troy''': God, it gets me every time. 
:'''Lucas''': Assholes.
:'''Mike''': I think it's cool. It's like you have superpowers or something. Like Mr. Fantastic. 
:'''Dustin''': Yeah, except I can't fight evil with it.

=== ''Chapter Two: The Weirdo on Maple Street'' [1.02] ===
:'''Dustin''': ''[to Eleven]'' We never would've upset you if we knew you had superpowers.

=== ''Chapter Three: Holly Jolly'' [1.03] ===
:'''Dustin''': Why do we need weapons? We have her.
:'''Lucas''': She shut ONE door!!!
:'''Dustin''': With her mind!

=== ''Chapter Four: The Body'' [1.04] ===
:'''Jonathan''': People don't say what they're really thinking.

=== ''Chapter Five: The Flea and the Acrobat'' [1.05] ===
:'''Jonathan''': Don’t take it so personally, okay? I don’t like most people. He’s in the vast majority.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Scott Clarke''': Science is neat, but I’m afraid it’s not very forgiving.

=== ''Chapter Six: The Monster'' [1.06] ===
:'''Troy ''': ''[Holding Dustin at knife point]'' ''Jump.'' Or Toothless here gets an early trip to the dentist!
:'''Dustin''': No! N- ''[he stops talking as Troy holds the blade near his eyes]''
:'''Troy''': I'll cut him, right now!
:'''Mike''': Alright, just hold on! Hold on!
:'''Dustin''': Mike, don't do it!  I don't need my baby teeth- Mike!  Mike, ''seriously'', don't!
:''[Mike walks to the edge of the cliff and looks down at the water]''
:'''Dustin''': Mike, don't do it! Don't do it, Mike! 
:'''James''': Troy, I don't think this is a good idea, man.
:'''Dustin''': Mike, don't!
:'''Troy''': Dentist's office opens in ''Five!  Four!  Three! Two!''
:'''Dustin''': ''MIKE!''
:'''Troy''': ''One!''
:''[Mike steps off the cliff and falls. The three boys race to the edge and look over]''
:'''Dustin''': Holy shit.
:''[Mike is suspended in mid-air, halfway down. As they watch, he suddenly begins rising back up]''
:'''Mike''': Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
:''[He floats over their heads and lands safely on the ground nearby. They hear footsteps and turn to see Eleven walking towards them with a stern look on her face. As Dustin and Mike grin, Troy brandishes his knife at her; Eleven twitches her neck, and James is thrown to the ground.  A sickening crack comes from Troy's arm, causing him to scream and drop the knife.]''
:'''Troy''': AAAAH!  She broke my arm!  
:'''Eleven''': ''[coldly]'' ''Go.''
:'''Troy''': Let's get outta here! Let's go!
:''[He and James run away and trip as they leave]''
:'''Dustin''': ''[gleefully]'' YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT! YOU ''BETTER'' RUN! SHE'S OUR FRIEND AND SHE'S ''CRAZY!'' YOU COME BACK HERE, AND SHE'LL KILL YOU! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': El?
:'''Eleven''': ''[crying]'' Mike... I'm sorry.
:'''Mike''': Sorry? What are you sorry for? 
:'''Eleven''': The Gate... ''I'' opened it. ''I'm'' the monster.
:'''Mike''': ''[smiles]'' No El, you're not the monster. You ''saved'' me, do you understand? ''You saved me''.
:''[He pulls her up into a hug, and Dustin puts his arms around them]''

=== ''Chapter Seven: The Bathtub'' [1.07] ===

=== ''Chapter Eight: The Upside Down'' [1.08] ===
:'''Martin Brenner''': Six.
:'''Joyce''': What?
:'''Martin Brenner''': Six. Six people have been taken this week. This thing that took your son... We don't really understand it. But it's behavior is predictable. Like all animals, it eats. It will take more sons. More daughters. I want to save them. I want to save your son. But I can't do that. Not without your help.
:'''Joyce''': Stop. I know who you are. I know what you've done. You took my boy away from me! You left him in that place to die! You faked his death! We had a funeral. We buried him. And now you're asking for my help? Go to hell.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': Just hold on a little longer, okay? He's gone, the Bad Man's gone. We'll be home soon, and my mom? She'll get you your own bed, and you can eat as many Eggos as you want. And... we can go to the Snow Ball.
:'''Eleven''': ''[weakened]'' Promise?
:'''Mike''': Promise.
:''[There is a loud shriek as the gunfire outside dies down]''
:'''Dustin''': Is it... is it dead?
:''[the door crashes down and the Demogorgon enters the classroom, the lights flickering]''
:'''Mike''': Go, go go go go!!
:'''Dustin''': Get the wrist rocket, get the wrist rocket, ''now!!''
:'''Mike''': Gogogogogo!  Get the rocks, get the rocks, get the rocks!
:'''Dustin''': Getting the rocks!
:'''Lucas''': Gimme one!
:'''Dustin''': Come on! Fire!
:'''Mike''': Kill it, kill it!
:''[Lucas shoots a rock at the Demogorgon and hits it's head, but it only roars with rage]''
:'''Lucas''': Another one!
:'''Dustin''': Kill the bastard!  Kill it now!
:'''Mike''': Kill it!  Gogogogogo!
:''[Lucas fires again, to no effect; the Demogorgon advances on them as Dustin passes Lucas more ammunition]''
:'''Dustin''': Get, get, get- come on, kill it, bastard!
:'''Lucas''': It's not working!
:'''Mike''': Hit him again! Keep going, keep going!
:'''Dustin''': Kill him!  Get, get, get... come on, go, go, go!
:''[Lucas hits the Demogorgon again, to no effect. As he fires a fourth rock, the Demogorgon is suddenly flung across the room by El's powers, slamming against the blackboard. El stands and walks past the shocked boys, her expression fierce]''
:'''Mike''': Eleven, stop!
:''[El uses her powers to push Mike back; she approaches the struggling Demogorgon. As she reaches it, she glances back at Lucas, Dustin and Mike]''
:'''Eleven''': ''[sadly]'' Goodbye, Mike. ''[she turns to the Demogorgon]'' ''No more''.
:''[Both the Demogorgon and El scream as she uses her powers to rip it apart; Lucas, Dustin and Mike cover their ears. When the lights return, El and the Demogorgon have vanished]''
:'''Mike''': El?!  El?!  El!
:'''Lucas''': Eleven!
:'''Dustin''': Eleven!
:'''Mike''': ''[tearful]'' ''El!'' El, where are you?! Eleven? El?

== Season 2 ==
=== ''Chapter One: MADMAX'' [2.01] ===
:'''Lucas''': You're just not nimble enough, but you'll get there someday.  But until then... ''[chuckles]'' Princess Daphne is still mine!
:'''Dustin''':  You know, whatever. I'm still tops on &quot;Centipede&quot; and &quot;Dig Dug&quot;.
:'''Keith''': You sure about that?
:'''Dustin''': Sure about what? You're kidding me, nonononono. Move, move! ''[he checks the top scores on &quot;Centipede&quot; and &quot;Dig Dug&quot;]'' Aw, nonononono- NO! No! Nooo!
:'''Will''': Seven hundred and fifty-one thousand, three hundred points?!
:'''Mike''':  That's impossible!
:'''Dustin''': Who- who's &quot;MADMAX?&quot;
:'''Keith''': Better than ''you''. 
:''[Dustin gives him the finger]''
:'''Will''': Is it ''you?''
:'''Keith''': ''[scoffs]'' You know I despise &quot;Dig Dug&quot;.
:'''Lucas''': Then who is it?
:'''Dustin''': Yeah, spill it, ''Keith''.
:'''Keith''': You want information?  Then I need something in return. ''[grins at Mike]''
:'''Mike''': ''No''. No, no, no, no way! You're ''not'' getting a date with her!
:'''Lucas''': Mike, come on, just get him the date.
:'''Mike''':  I'm not prostituting my sister!
:'''Lucas''': But it's for a good cause!
:'''Dustin''': No, no, don't get him the date. You know what? He's gonna spread his nasty-ass ''rash'' to your whole family!
:'''Keith''':  Acne isn't a rash, and it isn't contagious, you prepubescent wastoid!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dustin''': Still no sign?
:'''Lucas''': Jack shit.
:'''Dustin''': (looks at his watch) Aw man, my Mom's gonna murder me!
:'''Lucas''': So go home, I'll radio when she comes.
:'''Dustin''': Oh yeah, nice try. You just want me out of here so you can make your move.
:'''Lucas''': Oh cause you're such a threat.
:'''Dustin''': That's right! She will not be able to resist these pearls. Grrrrrrr! ''[spotting something]'' Ten O'Clock!
:'''Lucas''': What?
:'''Dustin''': Ten O'Clock.
:''[Max comes out arguing with her brother]''
:'''Lucas''': They're arguing! They're arguing!
:'''Dustin''': I I I see that! ''[about binoculars]'' I don't even know why you need those. God, you're so stupid.
:''[Car leaves and Max gives a middle finger at her brother. Dustin and Lucas follow her inside the arcade]''
:'''Lucas''': She's incredible.
:'''Dustin''': She's...
:'''Both''': MADMAX!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Hopper arrives at a cabin deep in the woods. He steps over a tripwire as he approaches the door and knocks six times. Several bolts unlatch and the door opens. He walks in, notices the TV is on, and turns it off]''
:'''Hopper''': ''[noticing a half-eaten Eggo waffle on the table]'' Hey, what'd we talk about?
:'''Eleven''': ''[from the next room]'' No signal.
:'''Hopper''': ''[as he sits down]'' What?
:'''Eleven''': No ''signal''. It's eight-one-five. You're late.
:'''Hopper''': Yeah, I lost track of time. I'll signal next time, all right? ''[El enters the room and sits across from him]'' And, uh, it's eight- fifteen, it's not eight-one-five.
:'''Eleven''': Eight... fifteen.
:'''Hopper''': Now, what'd we talk about? Dinner first, ''then'' dessert. Always.  That's a rule, yeah?
:'''Eleven''': Yes.

=== ''Chapter Two: Trick or Treat, Freak'' [2.02] ===
:''[Hopper is cooking breakfast. He turns around and is startled by El wearing a bedsheet over her head.]''
:'''Hopper''': Ahhhh! Jesus.
:'''Eleven''': Ghost.
:'''Hopper''': Yeah, I see that.
:'''Eleven''': Halloween.
:'''Hopper''': Sure is. But right now, it's breakfast, okay? ''[he puts the food on the table]'' Come on, let's eat.
:'''Eleven''': They wouldn't see me.
:'''Hopper''': Who wouldn't see you? ''[sits down]''
:'''Eleven''': The Bad Men.
:'''Hopper''': What are you talking about?
:'''Eleven''': Trick or Treat.
:'''Hopper''': You want to go ''trick-or-treating?'' ''[El nods; after a pause Hopper shakes his head and stands up]'' You know the rules.
:'''Eleven''': Yes, I...
:'''Hopper''': Yeah, so you know the answer.
:'''Eleven''': No, but they wouldn't see me.
:'''Hopper''': Hey, I don't care.
:'''Eleven''': But, they...
:'''Hopper''': ''[puts his hands on her shoulders]'' ''I don't care,'' alright? You go out there, ghost or not, it's a risk. We don't ''take'' risks, alright? They're ''stupid''. And?
:'''Eleven''': ''[angrily]'' We're ''not'' stupid.
:'''Hopper''': Exactly. Now you take that off and sit down and eat. ''[sits down]'' Your food's getting cold.
:''[El does so, looking irritated]''
:'''Hopper''': Alright, look: how 'bout... I get off early tonight, I buy us a bunch of candy, we sit around and get fat, and we watch a scary movie together. How's that for compromise?
:'''Eleven''':  &quot;Co-compromise?&quot;
:'''Hopper''': C-O-M-promise. Compromise? How 'bout that's your word for the day, yeah? It's something that's kinda in-between, something like... half-way happy.
:'''Eleven''': By... five-one-five?
:'''Hopper''': ''[nods]'' Five-fifteen, yeah. Sure.
:'''Eleven''': Promise?
:'''Hopper''': Yes. I promise.
:'''Eleven''': ''[shrugs, nods]'' Half-way happy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Billy''': God, this place is such a shithole.
:'''Max''':  It's not that bad.
:'''Billy''':  No? ''[buzzes down the window and holds his nose]''  Mmm, you smell that, Max? That's ''actually'' shit. Cow shit!
:'''Max''': I don't see any cows. ''[buzzes the window up again]''
:'''Billy''': Clearly, you haven't met the high school girls. So what, you like it here now?
:'''Max''': No!
:'''Billy''': Then why are you defending it?
:'''Max''': I'm ''not''.
:'''Billy''': Sure ''sounds'' like it.
:'''Max''': It's just, we're stuck here, so...
:'''Billy''': Mm, you're right. We're stuck here. ''[glares at her]'' And whose fault is that?
:'''Max''': ''[under her breath]'' ''Yours''.
:'''Billy''': What'd you say?
:'''Max''': Nothing.
:'''Billy''': Did you say it's ''my'' fault?
:'''Max''': No!
:'''Billy''': You ''know'' whose fault it is.  Say it. ''[pause]'' Maaax... ''say it.''  SAY IT!!!
:''[He floors the gas pedal; Max looks up and is shocked to see Mike, Lucas and Dustin riding directly ahead of Billy's car]''
:'''Dustin''': Really, ''everyone'' dressed up last year.
:'''Max''': Billy, slow down.
:'''Billy''': Oh, these your new ape-friends?
:'''Max''': No! No, I don't know them.
:'''Billy''': Oh, then I guess you won't care if I hit 'em then, huh? I get bonus points, I get 'em all in one go!
:'''Max''': No, Billy, ''stop'', it's not funny.
:''[Dustin notices Billy closing in on them]''
:'''Dustin''': Uh, guys...!
:''[They all try desperately to outrun Billy]''
:'''Max''': Billy, come on, stop! This isn't funny! ''Stop!''
:'''Mike''': Go, go, go, go!
:'''Max''': BILLY, STOP IT!
:'''Dustin''': Oh, shitshitshitshitshit!
:''[Max yanks the steering wheel; at the last minute, Billy's car swerves into the other lane, barely missing the boys]''
:'''Billy''': ''[laughs maniacally]'' WHOOO!  That was a close one, huh?!
:'''Dustin''': Was that...
:'''Lucas''': Madmax!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Bob dances with Joyce on Halloween]''
:'''Bob''': You playing Frankenstein to my Dracula? You're stiff as a board; relax.
:'''Joyce''': I'm sorry.  It's just...
:'''Bob''': He's fine, ok? Jonathan's with him.
:'''Joyce''': I know. It's just... every time he's away from me, it's like I- I can't ''function.'' I- it sounds silly, I know.
:'''Bob''': No, it's not silly. It's not silly. ''[pause]'' What if we were to move out of Hawkins? Together?
:'''Joyce''': What?
:'''Bob''': ''[grins]'' Yeah, Whoa Nellie, right? No, I just- I- I been thinking about what you said. I mean, how you've got all these memories here, and you wish you had enough money to move. My parents are selling their house in Maine. There's a RadioShack nearby; I'm sure they'd take me on. We could just... ''[he sees the worried look on Joyce's face and glances away]'' ''My'' turn to be silly, now.
:'''Joyce''': Bob...
:'''Bob''': No, it's fine; wine makes me crazy.
:'''Joyce''': It's just so hard to explain, it's just- this- this is ''not'' a normal family.
:'''Bob''': Well, it could be. ''[looks at her encouragingly]'' ''Could'' be.
:''[Joyce hugs him; the doorbell sounds]''
:'''Bob''': ''Finally.'' ''[puts in his Dracula fangs and heads for the door]'' Victims!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Will''': ''[discussing his visions]'' It's like... like, I'm stuck.
:'''Mike''': Stuck in the Upside Down?
:'''Will''': Well, you know how in a ViewMaster, when it gets, like...
:'''Mike''': Caught between two slides?
:'''Will''': Yeah, yeah, like that. Like, like one slide's our world, and... and the other... the other slide is the Upside Down. And... and there was this noise. Coming from everywhere. And... I saw something.
:'''Mike''': The Demogorgon?
:'''Will''': ''[shakes his head]'' No. It was like... this huge shadow, in the sky. Only... it was ''alive''... and it was coming for me.
:'''Mike''': Is this all real? Or is it like the doctors say, all in your head?
:'''Will''': I don't know. Just... just please don't tell the others, okay? They won't understand.
:'''Mike''': ''Eleven'' would.
:'''Will''': She would?
:'''Mike''': ''[smiles]'' Yeah. She always did. Sometimes, I feel like... I still see her. Like she's still around... but she never is. I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy.
:'''Will''': Me, too.
:'''Mike''': Hey, if we're both going crazy, we'll go crazy together, right?
:'''Will''': ''[smiles]'' Yeah. Crazy together.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[El uses a blindfold and the TV static to enter the mental dimension of the Upside Down and listen to Mike as he tries to contact her on the two-way radio]''
:'''Mike''':  It's Day 353. I had a bad day today. I dunno, I... guess I wish you were here. I mean, we all do. If you're out there, just... ''please'', gimme a sign.
:''[El crouches in front of him in the Upside Down. For a moment, Mike appears to meet her eyes.]''
:'''Eleven''': Mike?
:'''Mike''': Eleven?
:''[El reaches out to try to touch his face, but after a moment Mike irritably shuts off the radio and walks away. In the real world, El pulls off the blindfold and cries silently]''

=== ''Chapter Three: The Pollywog'' [2.03] ===
:''[In a flashback, as Hopper and El set up the defenses around the cabin]''
:'''Hopper''': Okay. This is called a tripwire. It's like an alarm. You, uh, set it up like this... and then, anybody gets close, it's gonna make a loud noise like, uh, gunfire. ''Bang.'' ''[pause]'' Those bad men aren't gonna find you, alright? Not way the hell out here. But we'll take some precautions. There's gonna be a couple ground rules. Rule number one: always keep the curtains drawn.
:''[In the present, El opens the curtains]''
:'''Hopper''': Rule number two: only open the door, if you hear my secret knock. ''[demonstrates]''
:''[In the present, El unbolts the door with her powers]''
:'''Hopper''': And rule number three: Don't ''ever'' go out alone... especially not in the daylight.
:''[in the present, El steps out onto the sunlit porch]''
:'''Hopper''': That's it. Three rules. I call 'em the, uh... &quot;Don't be stupid&quot; rules. 'Cause we're not stupid, alright?
:''[In the present, El walks away from the cabin]''
:'''Eleven''': ''[as she steps over the tripwire]'' ''Not stupid.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve''': What are you doing here?
:'''Nancy''': What do you think? Where ''were'' you this morning?! I missed first period!
:'''Steve''': I figured Jonathan would take you.
:'''Nancy''': What are you talking about?
:'''Steve''': Jesus, you really can't handle your alcohol. Uh... you remember going to Tina's party last night, right?
:'''Nancy''': Yes.
:'''Steve''': Okay, and then what?
:'''Nancy''': I... remember dancing, and... spilling some punch, you got mad at me because I was drunk and then you took me home.
:'''Steve''': No. Yeah, see, that's where your mind gets a little fuzzy. That was your ''other'' boyfriend, that was-- that was Jonathan.
:'''Nancy''': I don't understand.
:'''Steve''': It's pretty simple, Nancy; you were just telling it like it is.
:'''Nancy''': What?
:'''Steve''': Um... apparently, uh, we killed Barb, and, uh, ''I'' don't care, 'cause I'm &quot;bullshit&quot; and, and our whole relationship is &quot;bullshit&quot;. And, uh, pretty much everything's just bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.  Oh, yeah, also... you don't love me.
:'''Nancy''': I was ''drunk'', Steve!  I don't remember any of that!
:'''Steve''': So that makes everything you said just ''what'', just bullshit too?!
:'''Nancy''': Yes!
:'''Steve''': Well then tell me!
:'''Nancy''': Tell you what?!
:'''Steve''': You love me!
:'''Nancy''': Really?
:'''Classmate''': Harrington! Dude, we need you, man; that douchebag's killing us! Let's go!
:'''Steve''': All right!
:'''Classmate''': Come on!
:''[Steve stares at Nancy; when she doesn't answer, he walks away]''
:'''Steve''': I think that ''you're'' bullshit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Dustin shows Mike, Will, Lucas and Max the &quot;pollywog&quot; he found]''
:'''Dustin''': His name is D'Artagnan. ''[picks it up]'' Cute, right?
:'''Mike''': &quot;D'Artagnan?&quot;
:'''Dustin''': Dart, for short.
:'''Max''': And he was in your trash?
:'''Dustin''': Foraging for food. You wanna hold him?
:'''Max''': No, no.
:'''Dustin''': He doesn't bite.
:'''Max''': I don't want to. ''[Dustin drops Dart into her hands]'' Oh, God, he's slimy!
:''[She passes Dart to Lucas]''
:'''Lucas''': Ugh, he's like a living booger! ''[passes Dart to Will]''
:'''Will''': Oh, God, ugh! ''[passes Dart to Mike, who stares at it]''
:'''Mike''': What ''is'' he?
:'''Dustin''': ''[grins]'' My question exactly. At first, I thought it was some type of pollywog.
:'''Max''': &quot;Pollywog?&quot;
:'''Dustin''': It's another word for tadpole. Tadpole is the larval stage of a toad.
:'''Max''': I-I know what a tadpole is.
:'''Dustin''':  Alright, then you know that most tadpoles are aquatic, right? Well, Dart, he isn't, he doesn't need water.
:'''Lucas''': Yeah, but aren't there non-aquatic pollywogs?
:'''Dustin''': Terrestrial pollywogs? Yep, two to be exact. ''Indirana Semiplamata'' and the ''Adenomera Andreae.'' One's from India, one's from South America. So how did one end up in my trash?
:'''Max''': Maybe some scientists brought it here, and it escaped?
:'''Mike''': Did you guys see that?  It looks like something is... ''moving'' inside it.
:''[He shines a lamp directly on Dart, who flinches and shrieks, startling them]''
:'''Dustin''':  Whoa. ''[he grabs Dart as it tries to escape]''  It's okay, it's okay, I got you, little guy. I know you don't like that, it's okay. ''[looks up]'' And there's another thing. Reptiles, they're cold-blooded. Ectothermic, right? They love heat, the sun. Dart ''hates'' it, it hurts him.
:'''Lucas''': So, if he's not a polywog, or a reptile...
:'''Dustin''': Then I've discovered a new species.
:''[As he strokes Dart, Will has flashbacks of the larvae he coughed up last year, as well as the noises from his visions of the Upside Down, which sound just like Dart]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bob''': I'm- I'm sorry if I overstepped anything.  
:'''Joyce''': No! No, you didn't.
:'''Bob''': Okay.  I mean, I... I like you ''so'' much.  Not just you, everything that comes with you. Your family, your boys. And, I hope it's not wishful thinking, but... I kinda feel like I'm breaking through with them. I mean, not so much Jonathan, he's a tough cookie to crack, but...
:'''Joyce''': Yeah.
:'''Bob''':  With Will, like... I dunno, I feel like we're... connecting.
:'''Joyce''': ''[smiles]'' He likes you, too.
:'''Bob''': ''[grins]'' Yeah?
:'''Joyce''': Mm-Hmm. I can tell.
:'''Bob''': Good. Oh, there was... something else I was gonna mention. It's not a big deal at all, but... I just noticed this morning that my JVC was a little dinged up. 
:'''Joyce''': Your- your what?
:'''Bob''': The video camera.  
:'''Joyce''': Oh!
:'''Bob''': Yeah. It still works fine and everything, I just... I went back and watched the tape, and... there were some older kids picking on Will.
:'''Joyce''': ''What?''
:'''Bob''': ''[nods]'' They scared him.
:'''Joyce''': ''[angrily]'' Who were they? Were they the Zimmerman brothers again?
:'''Bob''': Um, I don't know. They were wearing masks or sorta makeup, and... maybe. They were the right age.
:'''Joyce ''': I'll kill them. I swear to God, I will... I will ''kill'' them.
:'''Bob''': ''[smiles]'' That's what I love about you: you punch back. I was never really one to put up a fight. I struggled a lot, like Will, when I was a kid. With bullies. ''[sighs]'' It's the ones like us, that don't punch back, that people ''really'' take advantage of, you know? They rub your nose it it just a ''little'' bit more. I don't know why they do that. Maybe it makes 'em feel... powerful. I don't know. But, hey! Look at me now: I get to date ''Joyce Byers.'' Ha! ''[Joyce laughs]'' Are you kidding me? I get to date... see, it all works out in the end, doesn't it?
:'''Joyce''': Yes, it does.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hopper''': Grass, crops, trees.  Everything in this area is either dead or dying, and that's a radius of over three ''miles''. And it all leads back to here. ''[taps a map showing Hawkins Lab]''
:'''Dr. Sam Owens''': See, these patterns here are really pretty. I like the design; it's almost psychedelic.
:'''Hopper''': This is a joke to you, huh?
:'''Sam Owens''': No, it's not a joke. I just, I don't understand what this has to do with me, Chief Hopper.
:'''Hopper''': Whatever is happening, is spreading from ''this'' place, from this lab.  
:'''Sam Owens''': That's impossible.  It's... the last burn, it was two days ago. It's ''contained''.
:'''Hopper''': What if there's a leak?
:'''Sam Owens''': A leak? A leak? ''[chuckles, shakes his head]'' No, no, it...
:'''Hopper''': I don't know, man, you're the scientist!
:'''Sam Owens''': Exactly. And I'm tellin' ya, there's nothing to worry about.
:'''Hopper''': Convince me.
:'''Sam Owens''': ''Convince'' you?
:'''Hopper''': ''[stands up angrily]'' Yeah. You and your egghead friends go out to every area on this map, and you run your tests, or whatever the hell it is you do, and you see if anything comes up.
:'''Sam Owens''': ''[smirks]'' All right, so... so ''you're'' giving ''me'' orders, now? No.
:'''Hopper''': I keep things nice and quiet for you.
:'''Sam Owens''': Mm-hmm-
:'''Hopper''': And ''you'' keep your shit outta my town. ''That'' is the deal. I have done my part, now you do yours. Convince me.

=== ''Chapter Four: Will the Wise'' [2.04] ===
:'''Will''': I can't remember.
:'''Joyce''': I need you to try.
:'''Will''': I- I was on the field. And... it all just went blank. And then... you were there.
:'''Joyce''': ''[shakes her head]'' ''Will''... I need you to tell me the truth.
:'''Will''': I am!
:''[Joyce brings over a piece of paper with a rough outline of the &quot;Shadow Monster&quot;]''
:'''Joyce''': This shape. I saw it on the videotape of Halloween Night. It's the same shape as your drawing. These episodes that you're having, I think Doctor Owens is wrong, I think they're real. But- but I can't help you if I don't know what's going on. So, you have to talk to me! Please. No more secrets, okay? ''[Will nods]'' Okay. Did you see this thing again, on the field?
:''[Will has flashbacks of his encounter with the Shadow Monster]''
:'''Will''': ''[nods]''... Yes.
:'''Joyce''': What... what is it?
:'''Will''': ''[tearfully]'' I don't... know. It's almost... more like a feeling.
:'''Joyce''': Like the one you had that night at the arcade?
:'''Will''': ''Yes''.
:'''Joyce''': Wh-what does it want?
:'''Will''': ''[crying]'' I don't... know. It came for me, and...and I tried. I tried to make it go away. But it got me, Mom!
:'''Joyce''': Well, what does that mean?
:'''Will'':  I felt it... everywhere. ''Everywhere''. I- I still feel it! I just want this to be over!
:'''Joyce''': ''[hugs him]'' It's okay, it's okay, hey. Listen, look, look at me. I will never, ever let anything bad happen to you ever again. Whatever's going on in you, we're gonna fix it. ''I'' will fix it. I promise. I'm here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hopper''': &quot;Friends don't lie&quot;. Isn't that your little bullshit saying? Hey, ''hey!'' Don't walk away from ME! Where'd you go on your little field trip, huh? ''Where?'' You go see Mike?
:'''Eleven''': ''[sadly]'' He didn't see me.
:'''Hopper''': Yeah, well that mother and her daughter did, and they called the cops. Now: did ''anyone'' else see you? Anyone, at all? Come on, I need you to think!
:'''Eleven''': Nobody saw me!
:'''Hopper''': You put us in danger. You realize that, right?
:'''Eleven''': ''You'' promised... I'd go! And I ''never'' leave! ''Nothing'' ever happens!
:'''Hopper''': Yeah, nothing happens and you stay SAFE!
:'''Eleven''': You LIE!
:'''Hopper''': I don't lie, I ''protect!'' And I feed, and I teach! And all I ask of you, is that you follow three simple rules! Three rules! And you know what? You CAN'T EVEN DO THAT!! [El then bangs her hands on the dresser] ''[pause]'' You're grounded! You know what that means? It means no Eggos... [he throws a pack of Eggos waffles out of the freezer] ...and no TV for a week!
:''[Hopper tries to move the TV, but El holds it in place with her powers]''
:'''Hopper''': Alright, knock it off, let go. ''[El shakes her head, and he tries to move it again]'' Okay, two weeks. ''[he tries again]'' ''Let go!'' ''[El shakes her head]'' A month!
:'''Eleven''': ''No!''
:'''Hopper''': Well, congratulations. You just graduated from no TV for a month, to no TV at all!
:''[He rips the power cord in two]''
:'''Eleven''': NO! No, no... no! ''[she tries to fix it]''
:'''Hopper''':  You have ''got'' to understand that there are consequences to your actions-
:'''Eleven''': YOU are like Papa!
:'''Hopper''': ''[hurt and furious]'' Really? I'm like that psychotic son of a bitch? Well, all right. You wanna go back in the lab? One phone call, I can make that happen.
:'''Eleven''': I ''hate'' you!
:'''Hopper''': Yeah, well I'm not so crazy about you, either. Know why? 'Cause you're a brat. You know what that word means? How 'bout that be your word for the day, huh? Brat: why don't we look it up?  B-R-A-T. Brat.
:''[He tosses the dictionary to her, but she slams it into him with her powers]''
:'''Hopper''': Hey! What the Hell is wrong with you? ''[El uses her powers to ram the couch into his leg]'' Ahhh! Hey, ''HEY!''
:''[El uses her powers to knock over a bookcase, then storms into her room and slams the door shut]''
:'''Hopper''': Hey! Hey! ''Open this door!'' Open this damn door!
:''[Inside, El sits against the wall, sobbing]''
:'''Hopper''': You wanna go out in the world?! You better grow up! GROW THE HELL UP!
:''[El screams, and her powers shatter all the windows, startling Hopper, and she starts crying]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Scott Clarke''': All living things, from complex mammals to single-celled organisms, instinctively respond to danger. Expose a bacterium to a toxic chemical and it will flee, or deploy some other defense mechanism. We're very much the same. When we encounter danger, our hearts start pounding. Our palms start to sweat. These are the signs of the physical and emotional state we call... &quot;fear.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sam Owens''': &quot;Men of science have made abundant mistakes of every kind.&quot; [[George Sarton]] said that. You guys know who George Sarton is?  Doesn't really matter. The point is, mistakes have been made, yes.
:'''Nancy''': &quot;Mistakes?!&quot;
:'''Sam Owens''': Yes.
:'''Nancy''': You ''killed'' Barbara!
:'''Sam Owens''': &quot;Abundant mistakes&quot;.  But, the men involved in those mistakes, the ones responsible for what happened to your brother and... Ms. Holland's death, they're gone. They're gone, and for better or for worse, I'm the schmuck they brought in to make things better. But I ''can't'' make things better without your help.
:'''Nancy''': You mean, without us shutting up?
:'''Sam Owens''': ''[to Jonathan, indicating Nancy]'' She's tough, this one. You guys been together long?
:'''Jonathan''': We're not together.
:'''Sam Owens''': Wanna see what really killed your friend?
:''[They enter the chamber holding the portal to the Upside Down]''
:'''Sam Owens''': Teddy, I brought you an audience today. Hope you don't mind.
:'''Teddy''': The more the merrier, sir.
:'''Sam Owens''': ''[gestures at the  tendrils coming out of the portal]'' I call it, &quot;One Hell of a Mistake.&quot; Wouldn't you? See, the thing is, we can't seem to... ''erase'' our mistake. But we ''can'' stop it from spreading. It's like pulling weeds. But, imagine for a moment, if a foreign state, let's say, the Soviets, if they heard about our mistake. Do you think they would even consider that a mistake? What if they tried to replicate that?  
:''[A man with a protective suit and a flamethrower approaches the portal]''
:'''Sam Owens''': The more attention we draw to ourselves, the more... the more people like the Hollands know the truth, the more likely that scenario becomes. You see why I have to stop the ''truth'' from spreading, too... same as those weeds, there. By whatever means necessary.  
:''[The man begins incinerating the tendrils]''
:'''Sam Owens''': So... we understand each other now.  Don't we?

=== ''Chapter Five: Dig Dug'' [2.05] ===
:'''Mrs. Sinclair''': ''[noticing Erica is using too much syrup]'' That's enough, Erica.
:'''Erica Sinclair''': Uh-uh!
:'''Lucas Sinclair''': Dad?
:'''Mr. Sinclair''': ''[reading his paper]'' Mm-hm?
:'''Lucas Sinclair''': When Mom's mad at you, how do you make her ''not'' mad?
:'''Mrs. Sinclair''': ''[sits down at the table]'' Hmm, that's a great question.  How ''do'' you, hon?
:'''Mr. Sinclair''': ''[not looking up from his paper]'' First, I apologize. Then, I get your mother whatever she wants.
:'''Lucas''':  Even when she's wrong?
:'''Mr. Sinclair''': ''[folds his paper down and looks at Lucas]'' ...She's ''never'' wrong, Son.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Bob sees the pictures Will, Mike and Joyce have been laying around the house, depicting Will's visions from the Shadow Monster.]''
:'''Bob''': ''[startled]'' ...Huh. Hmm. ''[to Will]'' You drew all these, yourself? ''[Will and Joyce both nod]''... Why, exactly?
:'''Joyce''': I, I told you the rules.  No questions, okay? ''[Bob nods]''  We, we just... need you to help us figure out what- Bob? Bob!  Over here! ''[Bob, Will and Mike follow her to a drawing showing an intersection, which she draws an X on]''  Where... where this is.
:'''Mike''':  That's the objective.  Find the X.
:'''Bob''':  Yeah?  What's at the X?  Pirate treasure? ''[chuckles]''
:'''Joyce''': ''[gives him a look]'' Bob? ''No questions''.
:'''Bob''': Okay. ''[pause]'' Lemme talk to you for just a second.  Hang on, guys. ''[he takes her aside]'' Joyce, you can talk to me.  You know that, right?
:'''Joyce''': ...Yeah.  What's the problem, exactly?
:'''Bob''': What's the problem?  Joyce... Will doesn't look well.  ''You'' don't look well.  What's going on?
:'''Joyce''': Nothing!  Nothing-
:'''Bob''': Is this an episode?  Is this one of Will's episodes?
:'''Joyce''': No! ''[scoffs]'' No, no...
:'''Bob''':  I'm sorry.  I just, I don't... see how any of this is ''good'' for Will, or for you.  And even if I wanted to play along, I mean, how could I figure anything out if I don't understand the context of the game? Or... ''[he notices some of the pictures]''
:'''Joyce''': What?  What is it?
:'''Bob''': I ''know'' that shape.  It's Lover's Lake. it's Lover's Lake!  I get it. ''[turns to another set of pictures]'' Okay, I get it! ''That's'' Lake Jordan. ''[moves through the house, Joyce follows as Will and Mike watch]'' And, if that's Lake Jordan, then you can probably find...''[snaps his fingers]'' Yeah! That's, uh Sattler's Quarry, and then, if you just follow it naturally...it moves to... the Eno River. And there it is! That's the Eno, do you see it? ''[Joyce frowns]'' Okay, so the lines aren't roads. But they ''act'' like roads. And they act like roads 'cause when you follow 'em, you'll see... they don't go over ''water.'' And that's the giveaway. That's the giveaway! ''[claps his hands]'' Ha! Don't you get it?  It's not a puzzle. It's a ''map''. It's a map of Hawkins!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Becky takes Eleven upstairs and shows her the nursery Terry made for her originally; Eleven picks up a teddy bear from the crib]''
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': ''[whispers] Pretty.''
:'''Becky Ives''': I can get you a ''real'' bed and you can stay here with me, if you want.  How's that sound? ''[Eleven nods]''  I want to help you, but to do that, I ''need'' you to talk to me, okay?  Doesn't have to be now, doesn't have to be today.  But when you're ready. Okay?
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': ''[turns around]''... Okay.
:''[One of the hall lights starts to flicker, catching Eleven's attention]''
:'''Becky Ives''': ''[noticing]'' Oh, yeah, that.  That happens sometimes. ''[they come into the hall]'' Old house, bad wiring. ''[Another light flickers]'' Or if you ask my crazy Aunt Shirley, it's... ''[she notices Eleven following the lights]'' haunted.
:''[A series of lights flicker as Eleven comes down the stairs, followed by Becky.  Eleven looks around the kitchen until she sees a lamp flickering]''
:'''Becky Ives''': Sweetie, really, it's just the wiring.
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven]''': No. ''[she turns and heads into the living room, where a lamp is flickering right next to Terry]'' It's Mama. ''[she kneels next to her and wipes blood from Terry's nose]''
:'''Terry Ives''': Sunflower. Rainbow. Three to the right. Four to the left.
:'''Becky Ives''': ''[following Eleven]''  I... I don't understand.
:'''Terry Ives''': Four-fifty.
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': She knows I'm here.
:''[The TV channel suddenly begins changing rapidly until there is nothing but static]''
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': She wants to talk.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lucas''': ''[telling Max about their adventure with Eleven]'' And that was the last we ever saw of her.  After that, she was just, ''gone''.  I can't believe it's been that long.  Feels like yesterday.
:'''Max''': ''[sarcastically]'' Yeah, I mean, I bet.  Wow.
:'''Lucas''': It's crazy, I know.
:'''Max''': It's crazy, but... I really liked it.
:'''Lucas''': Liked it?
:'''Max''':  Yeah. Well, I, I had a ''few'' issues.
:'''Lucas''': ''[confused]'' &quot;Issues?&quot;
:'''Max''': I just felt it was a little derivative, in parts, but-
:'''Lucas''': What are you talking about?
:'''Max''': ''[sneers]'' I just wish it had a little more originality, that's all.
:'''Lucas''':  You don't believe me.
:'''Max''': Lucas, come on. Seriously? How gullible do you think I am?
:'''Lucas''': Why would I make this up?
:'''Max''': I don't know.  To impress me, or something? Or, you're just, like... ''insane.''
:'''Lucas''': ''[angrily]'' I tell you all of this! I mean, top-secret stuff! Risking my life!  And ''this'' is how you react?
:'''Max''': ''[scoffs]'' &quot;Risking your life?&quot;
:'''Lucas''': Oh, so this is funny to you?
:'''Max''': Yeah. I mean... ''kind'' of funny. ''[Lucas glares at her, she gets up] Stupid''... but funny.
:'''Lucas''': Where are you going?
:'''Max''': Story time's over, isn't it? ''[she walks back into the Arcade, Lucas follows her]''
:'''Lucas''': What's ''wrong'' with you? I gave you what you wanted.
:'''Max''': I ''wanted'' to be a part of the group, not a part of some ''joke''.
:'''Lucas''': It's ''not'' a joke.
:'''Max''': You did a good job, okay?  You can go tell the others that I believed your lies, if it gets you &quot;experience points&quot; or whatever. :''[she tries to walk away, but Lucas grabs her arm]''
:'''Lucas''': We have a lot of rules in our party, but the most important is, &quot;Friends don't lie.&quot; Never ever, no matter what.
:'''Max''': ''[sarcastically]'' Is that right? ''[pulls the &quot;Out of Order&quot; sign off the Dig Dug console and slaps it on his chest]'' Then how do you explain this?
:'''Lucas''': ''[sighs]'' I had to do that. To protect you-
:'''Max''': ''[angrily]'' To protect me from ''who'', exactly?! The big, bad government baddies from Hawkins Lab?!
:'''Lucas''': ''[glancing around nervously]'' Lower your voice- 
:'''Max''': Or, maybe it was to protect me from the &quot;Demagorgon&quot; from another dimension!
:'''Lucas''': Max, I'm serious, ''shut up!''
:'''Max''': Oh, no, no, no! You know what it was? It was Eleven, the girl-
:'''Lucas''': ''[clamps his hand over her mouth, leans forward and locks eyes with her] Stop talking. You're going to get us killed.  Do you understand?''
:'''Max''': ''[pulls his hand down and stares at him]'' ... You're ''serious?''
:'''Lucas''': I ''really'' wish I wasn't.
:'''Max''': ...Prove it.
:'''Lucas''': I can't.
:'''Max''': So, what?  I'm just supposed to trust you?
:'''Lucas''': ''Yes.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jonathan and Nancy are playing their recording of their conversation with Dr. Owens for Murray Bauman, having told him what happened last year.]''
:'''Nancy''': So, is it... enough? ''[Murray looks up at her]'' The tape recording, is it enough? Is it incriminating?
:''[Murray gets up and wanders back into his kitchen; he starts pouring a glass of Russian vodka]''
:'''Nancy''': What are you doing?!
:'''Murray Bauman''': ''Thinking.''
:'''Nancy''': With ''vodka?''
:'''Murray Bauman''': It's a central nervous system depressant.  So ''yes'', with vodka. ''[shakes it, then goes back to the living room and pulls out a record]''
:'''Nancy''': Music?  Really?
:'''Murray Bauman''': ''Yes''. It helps me... ''[sets the record in the phonograph]''
:'''Jonathan''': What, ''think?''
:''[Murray nods, turns on the phonograph; jazz begins playing as he walks around the room.]''
:'''Nancy''': ''[skeptically]'' How long is this gonna take?
:'''Murray Bauman''': Longer, if you keep ''talking.''
:'''Nancy''': Is the tape incriminating or not?! It's a simple question.
:'''Murray Bauman''': Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho! ''[turns around]'' There's nothing ''simple'' about it, nothing simple about anything you've told me!
:'''Jonathan''': You don't believe us, do you?
:'''Murray Bauman''':  ''I'' believe you, but that's not the ''problem.'' You don't need ''me'' to believe you, you need ''them'' to believe you.
:'''Jonathan''': &quot;Them?&quot;
:'''Murray Bauman''': &quot;Them.&quot;  With a capitol T. ''[waves at his various TV sets]'' Your priest, your postman, your teacher, the world at large. ''[scoffs]'' They won't believe any of this.
:'''Nancy''': That's why we made the tape!
:'''Murray Bauman''': Oh, that's easy to bury.  Easy!
:'''Nancy''': He admits it!  You heard it, he admits culpability!
:'''Murray Bauman''': You're being naive, Nancy!  Those people... they're not wired like me and you, okay?  They don't spend their lives trying to get a look at what's behind the curtain. ''[chuckles]'' They ''like'' the curtain.  It provides them stability, comfort, definition. This... this would open the curtain, and open the curtain behind ''that'' curtain, okay? So the ''minute'' someone with an ounce of authority calls &quot;bullshit&quot;, everyone will nod their heads and say, &quot;See? Ha! I knew it! It ''was'' bullshit!&quot; That is, if you even get their attention at all!
:'''Nancy''': So you're saying we did all this for ''nothing?''
:'''Murray Bauman''': I'm saying, I'm thinking! ''[takes a gulp of vodka, grimaces]'' Oof! 
:''[he goes back to the kitchen, starts opening a bottle of club soda, then pauses; Jonathan turns to Nancy]''
:'''Jonathan''': This is ridiculous.  
:'''Murray Bauman''':... That's it. That's it!
:'''Nancy''': What's it?
:'''Murray Bauman''':  It's just too strong. Too strong! ''[adds soda to his vodka, takes a sip and nods]'' Better. 
:''[He adds more soda, takes another drink. He nods, then looks up at Nancy.]''
:'''Murray Bauman''': ...''Perfect. [grins]''
:'''Nancy''': ''[suddenly smiles]'' We water it down!
:'''Murray Bauman''': ''[points at her]'' Precisely!
:'''Jonathan''': Wait, what?
:'''Murray Bauman''': Your story.  We moderate it.  Just like this drink here.  We make it more ''tolerable. [starts pouring more vodka sodas] Perhaps'' Barbara was exposed to some... dangerous toxins.
:'''Nancy''': A leak from the lab!  Like, Three Mile Island, or something.
:'''Murray Bauman''': Something scary, but familiar! ''[passes her and Jonathan drinks]'' Close enough, that it hits the man right where it hurts.
:'''Nancy''': And those assholes that killed Barb...
:'''Murray Bauman''': They'll go down. ''[lifts his glass in a toast, Jonathan and Nancy follow suit]''

=== ''Chapter Six: The Spy'' [2.06] ===
:'''Steve''': Alright, so let me get this straight: you kept something that you ''knew'' was probably dangerous in order impress a girl? Who, you you just met?
:'''Dustin''': Alright, that's ''grossly'' oversimplifying things
:'''Steve''': I mean, why would a girl like some nasty slug, anyway?
:'''Dustin''': An inter-dimensional slug?!  Because it's ''awesome''.
:'''Steve''':  Well, even if she thought it was cool, which she didn't, I- I just... I don't know, I just feel like you're trying way too hard, man.
:'''Dustin''':  Well, not everyone can have your perfect hair, alright?!
:'''Steve''':  It's not about the ''hair'', man. The key with girls is just... acting like you don't care.
:'''Dustin''': Even if you do?
:'''Steve''':  Yeah, exactly. Drives 'em nuts.
:'''Dustin''': Then what?
:'''Steve''': You just wait, until uh... until you feel it. ''[elbows him]''
:'''Dustin''':  Feel what?
:'''Steve''': It's like before it's gonna storm, you know? You can't see it, but you can feel it, this, uh... electricity, you know?
:'''Dustin''': Oh, like in the electromagnetic field, with the clouds in the atmosphere-
:'''Steve''': No, no, no, no, no. Like a, like a sexual electricity.
:'''Dustin''': Oh.
:'''Steve''': You feel ''that'', and then you make your move.
:'''Dustin''': So that's when you kiss her?
:'''Steve''': No, whoa, whoa!  Slow down, Romeo.
:'''Dustin''': Sorry.
:'''Steve''': Sure, okay, some girls... yeah, they want you to be aggressive, you know? Strong, hot and heavy, like a... I don't know, like a lion. But others, you gotta be slow, you gotta be stealthy. Like a... like a ninja.
:'''Dustin''': What type is Nancy?
:'''Steve''': ''[shortly]'' Nancy's different. She's different than the other girls.
:'''Dustin''': Yeah, she seems pretty special, I guess.
:'''Steve''': Yeah. Yeah, she is.
:'''Dustin''': But... this girl's special too, you know? It's just, like... something about her.
:'''Steve''': Whoa whoa whoa, hey. You're not falling in love with this girl, are you?
:'''Dustin''': No, no.
:'''Steve''': Okay, good. Don't.
:'''Dustin''': I won't.
:'''Steve''': She's only gonna break your heart, and you're way too young for that shit.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
: '''Hopper:''' Hey, it's, uh It's me. I know that I've been gone too long, and, uh... It's- I just, I want you to know that it's not about you and it's not about our fight. Okay? Something came up, and I will... I will explain it all when I see you. I just I want you to know that I'm not mad. I'm just sorry. About everything. I... I don't want you to get hurt at all. And I don't wanna lose you. Just make sure you heat up some real food. Not just Eggos. And I want you to eat all the peas, even if they're mushy and gross. And I will be home soon.

=== ''Chapter Seven: The Lost Sister'' [2.07] ===
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': I'm looking for my sister.
:'''Axel''': Aww, [[w:Shirley Temple|Shirley Temple]] lost her sister; ''so'' sad.
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': I saw her.  Here. ''[reaches into her bag]''
:'''Funshine''': Uh-uh!  Hand outta pocket. ''Slow''.
:''[El holds out the photo]''
:'''Axel''': Gimme that shit.
:''[He grabs it, then stares at El in shock]''
:'''Mick''': Is that Kali?
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': &quot;Kali?&quot;
:'''Axel''': How'd you find us?  Who else knows you're here?
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': No one.
:'''Axel''': So what, then? Poof? You just show up like magic, with that picture?
:'''Mick''': Stay calm, she's just a kid.
:'''Axel''': A kid who could get us all killed! ''[draws a switchblade]'' If I have to ask again, Shirley, you're gonna start losing things, startin' with those pretty little ''locks'' of yours, yeah?
:'''Mick''': Come on, Axe, put down the knife!
:'''Axel''': How did you find us?!
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': I saw her.
:'''Mick''': Axe!
:'''Axel''': ''[grabs El's arm and raises the knife]'' That's not an answer!
:''[He sees dozens of spiders crawling up his arm, though no one else can]''
:'''Axel''': Jesus, Jesus Christ! Get off! Shit, Shit!
:''[he drops the knife and swats at himself, as El and the others stare at him]''
:'''Kali Prasad/Eight''': You're a ''terrible'' dancer, Axel.
:''[She walks down the stairs and approaches them]''
:'''Axel''': I told you, stay outta my head!
:'''Kali Prasad/Eight''': So we're threatening little girls now, are we?
:'''Axel''': She knows about you!
:'''Dottie''': She had this.
:''[She hands the picture to Kali]''
:'''Kali Prasad/Eight''': Where did you get this?
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': ''[takes it back]'' Mama.
:'''Kali Prasad/Eight''': Your mother gave this to you?
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': In her... dream circle.
:'''Axel''': ''[scoffs]'' &quot;Dream circle&quot;.  I think she's a schizo or something.
:'''Mick''': Says she's looking for her sister.
:'''Axel''': Yeah, like I said, schizo.
:''[He tries to pick up his knife, but El summons it with her powers]''
:'''Mick''': Jesus!
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': ''[handing Kali the knife]'' I saw you. In the rainbow room.
:'''Kali Prasad/Eight''': What is your name?
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': Jane.
:''[Kali rolls up El's sleeve, revealing her tattoo reading 011. El rolls up Kali's sleeve, revealing a tattoo reading 008.]''
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': Sister.
:'''Kali Prasad/Eight''': Sister.
:''[They embrace]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kali Prasad/Eight''': And this... memory your mother shared, that is your only memory of me?
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': Yes.
:'''Kali Prasad/Eleven''': And how long have you been with this... Policeman?
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': Three hundred and twenty-seven days.
:'''Kali Prasad/Eight''': And this policeman, he ''thinks'' he can work out some sort of deal with these men to set you free?
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': Yes. He says soon.
:'''Kali Prasad/Eight''': He's naive, then. We will always be monsters to them, do you understand? ''[El nods sadly]'' Now let me guess: your policeman, he also stops you from using your gifts? ''[El nods]'' What you can do... is ''incredible''. It makes you very special, Jane.
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': Wait. Do ''you'' have a gift?
:'''Kali Prasad/Eight''': Different. I can make people see, or not see, whatever I choose.
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': Is that why you made the man with the crazy hair dance?
:'''Kali Prasad/Eight''': ''[laughs]'' Axel is not so fond of spiders, so...
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': You made him see spiders?
:'''Kali Prasad/Eight''': ''[nods]'' But it doesn't have to be scary.
:''[She opens her hand and conjures an illusion of a butterfly that changes colors]''
:'''Kali Prasad/Eight''': This butterfly, it isn't real. I've just convinced your mind it is. Think of it as a kind of... magic.
:''[She closes her hand around the butterfly, then opens her fingers to show it has vanished]''
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': Are ''you'' real?
:'''Kali Prasad/Eight''': ''[smiles]'' Yes, I'm real.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kali Prasad/Eight''': Everyone you see here was in some way responsible for what happened to us.
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''':... You hurt the Bad Men?
:'''Dottie''': (''sarcastically'') No, we just... give 'em a pat on the back.
:''[Montage of Kali's gang killing a former member of Hawkins Labs]''
:'''Jane Ives''': You... kill them?
:'''Kali Prasad/Eight''': They're criminals.  We simply make them pay for their crimes.
:'''Axel''': Damn, Shirley, what's the matter?  You look like you've seen a ghost.
:'''Dottie''': We can't ''all'' be fighters, I guess.
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': ''I'm'' a fighter.  I've killed.
:''[Flashback of El killing the federal agents who tried to capture her]''
:'''Kali Prasad/Eight''': And these men you killed, did they... deserve it?
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': They hurt me.
:'''Kali Prasad/Eight''': And they ''still'' want to hurt you.  To hurt us.  We're just making the first move.  Come.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Kali Prasad/Eight''':  I was once just like you, you know that?  But that's why I'm hard on you, because I ''see'' in you my past mistakes.  
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': ''[sharply]'' They were ''kids''.
:'''Kali Prasad/Eight''': Does that excuse that man's sins?  Were we not also children? (''El looks away'') I remember the day I came to the rainbow room, and you were... gone.  So, when my gifts were strong enough, I used them to escape, and I ran. I ran away as far as I could.  And it was there, far away, that I... I found a place to hide.  A family.  A ''home''.  Just like you and your policeman.  But... they couldn't help me.  So, eventually, I lost them, too.  So, I decided to play the part; to stop hiding.  To ''use'' my gifts against those who hurt us.  You're now faced with the same choice, Jane: go back into hiding and hope they don't find you, or fight, and face them again.
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': Face who?
:'''Kali Prasad/Eight''': The man who calls himself our father.
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': ''[shakes her head]'' Papa is... ''dead''.
:'''Dr. Martin Brenner''': That man tonight disagreed.
:''[El spins around and sees an illusion of Brenner that Kali is projecting into her mind]''
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': ''[stands up]'' You're not real.
:'''Martin Brenner (illusion)''': All this time, and you haven't looked for me? Why? Because you thought I was dead? Or because you were afraid of what you might find?
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': ''[in tears]'' ''Go away''.
:'''Martin Brenner (illusion)''': You have to confront your pain. You have a ''wound'', Eleven, a terrible wound. And it's festering. Do you remember what that means? Festering? It means... a ''rot''. And it will grow. Spread.
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': ''Get out of my head.''
:'''Martin Brenner (illusion)''': And eventually, it will kill you.
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': ''GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!''
:''[The illusion vanishes, Kali kneels in front of a sobbing El]''
:'''Kali Prasad/Eight''': This isn't a prison, Jane.  You're always free to return to your policeman.  Or stay, and avenge your mother.  Let us heal our wounds.  Together.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kali's gang are about to flee after the cops raid their hideout]''
:'''Kali Prasad/Eight''': Jane, get in.
:''[El recalls her visions of Mike and Hopper in trouble]''
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but I have to go back. My friends... my friends are in danger.
:'''Axel''': This isn't time for a talk! We gotta go right now!
:'''Kali Prasad/Eight''': Your mother sent you here for a ''reason'', remember? We belong together. There's nothing for you back there; they cannot save you, Jane!
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': No...But ''I'' can save them.

=== ''Chapter Eight: The Mind Flayer'' [2.08] ===
:'''Sam Owens''': ''[indicating a map]'' This is us, and this is the nearest exit. But even if we somehow make it there, there's no way out.
:'''Hopper''': What do you mean?
:'''Sam Owens''':  The locks are fail secure.
:'''Joyce''': &quot;Fail secure?&quot;
:'''Sam Owens''': If there's a power outage, the building goes on full lockdown.
:'''Bob''': Can it be unlocked remotely?
:'''Sam Owens''': With a computer, sure, but somebody's gotta re-set the breakers.  
:'''Hopper''': Where are the breakers?
:'''Sam Owens''': Breakers are in the basement, three floors down.
:''[Hopper heads for the door]''
:'''Bob''': Hey, where are you going?
:'''Hopper''': To reset the breakers.
:'''Bob''': Okay, then what?
:'''Hopper''': Then we get the Hell out of here.
:'''Bob''': No, then the power comes back on. If you wanna unlock the doors, you have to completely reboot the computer system, and then override the security codes with a manual input.
:'''Hopper''': Fine, how do I do that?
:'''Bob''':  You can't! Not unless you know BASIC.
:'''Hopper''': I don't know what that means.
:'''Mike''': It's a computer-program language.
:'''Hopper''': Alright, teach it to me.
:'''Bob''': ''[sarcastically]'' Shall I teach you ''French'' while I'm at it, Jim? How 'bout a little German? How 'bout you, Doc? You speak BASIC?
:'''Sam Owens''': No.
:'''Bob''': Okay... I got this. I got this.
:'''Joyce''': No, Bob.
:'''Bob''': It's okay. ''[hugs her]'' It's gonna be okay. Remember: Bob Newby, superhero.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': Did you guys know that Bob was the original founder of Hawkins AV Club?
:'''Lucas''': Really?
:'''Mike''': He petitioned the school to start it, and everything. And then he had a fund-raiser for equipment. Mr. Clarke learned ''everything'' from him. Pretty awesome, right?
:'''Dustin''': Yeah.
:'''Mike''': We can't let him die in vain.
:'''Dustin''': Well, what do you wanna do, Mike? Alright, the Chief's right on this; we can't stop those Demo-dogs on our own.
:'''Max''': &quot;Demo-dogs?&quot;
:'''Dustin''': Demogorgon, dogs. Demo-dogs. It's like a compound, it's like a play on words-
:'''Max''': ''Okay''.
:'''Dustin''': I mean, when it was just Dart, maybe.
:'''Lucas''': But there's an ''army'' now.
:'''Dustin''': Precisely.
:'''Mike''': ''His'' army.
:'''Steve''': What do you mean?
:'''Mike''': ''[holding up the drawing of the Shadow Monster]'' ''His'' army! Maybe if we stop him, we can stop his army too.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joyce''': ''[to a possessed Will]'' Do you know what March 22nd is? It's your birthday. ''Your'' birthday. When you turned eight, I gave you that huge box of crayons, do you remember that? It was 120 colors. And all your friends, they got you ''Star Wars'' toys, but all you wanted to do was... draw with all your new colors. And you drew this big spaceship, but it wasn't from a movie, it-it was ''your'' spaceship. A &quot;rainbow ship&quot; is what you called it. And you, you must have used every color in the box. I... I took that with me to Melvald's, and I put it up, and I told ''everyone'' who came in, &quot;My son drew this.&quot; And you were so embarrassed. ''[chuckles tearfully]'' But I was so proud. I was so, so proud.
:'''Jonathan''':  ''[going to sit opposite him]'' Do you remember the day Dad left? We stayed up all night, building Castle Byers, just the way you drew it. And it took ''so'' long, because you were so bad at hammering. You'd miss the nail every time. And then it started raining, but we stayed out there anyway. We were both sick for like a week, after that. But we just had to finish it, didn't we? We just had to.
:''[Will's fingers begin tapping on the chair]''
:'''Mike''': Do you remember the first day we met? It was... it was the first day of kindergarten. I knew nobody. I had no friends, and...I just felt so alone, and so scared, but... I saw you on the swings, and you were alone, too. You were just swinging by yourself. And I just walked up to you, and...I asked. I asked if you wanted to be my friend. And you said yes. You said yes. It was the best thing I've ever done.
:'''Joyce''': Will, baby... if you're in there, just please... please talk to us. Please, honey, please, can you do that for me? Please. I love you so much.
:'''Will''': ''[as the Shadow Monster]'' Let me go.
:''[Hopper notices that Will's finger-tapping is Morse Code]''

=== ''Chapter Nine: The Gate'' [2.09] ===
:'''Mike''': Eleven?
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': Mike?!
:''[They embrace tearfully]''
:'''Max''': Is that...
:''[Lucas and Dustin nod, both staring at Eleven]''
:'''Mike''': I ''never'' gave up on you. I called you every night. Every night, for...
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': Three hundred and fifty-three days. ''[Mike looks shocked]'' I heard.
:'''Mike''': Why didn't you tell me you were there? That you were okay?
:'''Hopper''': Because I wouldn't let her. ''[to Eleven]'' The Hell is this? Where you been?
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': Where've ''you'' been?!
:''[She and Hopper embrace]''
:'''Mike''': You've been hiding her. You've been hiding her this whole time!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hopper''': So what, we're just not gonna talk about it, huh?
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': About what?
:'''Hopper''': Oh, I don't know. I'm just curious why, all of a sudden, you look like some kinda MTV punk? ''[pause]'' I'm not mad, kid. I just wanna know where you've been.That's all.
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': To see Mama.
:'''Hopper''': Okay. How'd you get there?
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': A truck.
:'''Hopper''': &quot;A truck?&quot;
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': A big truck.
:'''Hopper''': &quot;A big truck?&quot; Whose truck was it?
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': A man's.
:'''Hopper''': A ''man's?''
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': A nice man.
:'''Hopper''': Okay. So, let me just get this straight in my head: so, a ''nice man'' in a ''big truck'', he drove you to your mama's? And then what, your- your aunt Becky gave you those clothes and that makeup?!
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': I... I shouldn't have left.
:'''Hopper''': Hmm-mm, No. No, this isn't on you, kid. I should've been there. I should never have lied to you about your mom... or about when you could leave. A lot of things I shouldn't have done. Sometimes, I feel like I'm... like I'm just some kinda black hole or something.
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': &quot;Black hole?&quot;
:'''Hopper''': Yeah, it's a... y'know, it's this thing in outer space. It's like... it sucks everything towards it and destroys it. Sarah had a picture book about outer space, she loved it.
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': Who's Sarah?
:'''Hopper''': Sarah? Sarah's my girl. ''[looks at her]'' She's my little girl.
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': Where is she?
:'''Hopper''': Well, that's kinda the thing, kid. She, uh... well, she left us.
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': ''Gone''.
:'''Hopper''': Yeah. The black hole. It got her. And, somehow... I've just been scared, you know. I've just been scared that it would take ''you'', too. I guess that's why I get... so mad. ''[shakes his head]'' I'm so sorry. For everything. I can be so... so...
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': ''Stupid.''
:'''Hopper''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah... stupid. Just really stupid.  
:''[Eleven squeezes his hand]''
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': I've been stupid, too.
:'''Hopper''': I guess we broke our rule. ''[Eleven smiles tearfully]'' I don't hate it, by the way. This whole... look. Kinda cool.
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': ''[smirks]'' Bitchin'.
:'''Hopper''': Okay, sure. ''[smiles]'' &quot;Bitchin'&quot;.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sam Owens''': Chief-o!
:'''Hopper''': How's the leg?
:'''Sam Owens''': Better! Though I'm pretty sure my ''football'' career is over. ''[offers half his sandwich]'' Hey, you want some of this? There's no way I'm gonna finish it.
:'''Hopper''':  No. I'm, uh, I'm on a diet.
:'''Sam Owens''': Well, you're a better man than me. Hey, I got a little something for you.
:''[He hands him an envelope; Hopper opens it to find an altered birth certificate for Eleven, naming her as Jane &quot;Hopper&quot;]''
:'''Sam Owens''': Congratulations, Pops.
:'''Hopper''':  I thought...
:'''Sam Owens''': Sometimes, I impress even myself. Still, I'd let things cool off for a while, if I were you.
:'''Hopper''': How long's a while?
:'''Sam Owens''': You wanna be safe, I'd give it a year.
:'''Hopper''': A ''year?'' ''[he takes the sandwich and bites into it]'' What about one night out?
:'''Sam Owens''': One night?
:'''Hopper''': Yeah. How risky would that be?
:'''Sam Owens''':  What's so important about one night?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Nancy notices Dustin crying after being rudely rejected by two girls at the Snow Ball]''
:'''Nancy''': Hey.
:'''Dustin''': Hey.
:'''Nancy''': ''[offers her hand]'' Wanna dance?
:'''Dustin''': What?
:'''Nancy''': Come on, let's go. Here. ''[she puts his hands on her waist]'' Mm-hm. Closer. 
:''[Dustin hesitantly moves closer]''
:'''Nancy''': ''[smiles]'' A ''little'' closer. Okay. Now, feel the music, the rhythm. Start to move to it... Yeah, there.
:'''Dustin''': Good?
:'''Nancy''': That's good, yeah. You know, out of all my brother's friends... you're my favorite. You've always been my favorite.
:'''Dustin''': ''[grins]'' Really?
:'''Nancy''': Yeah. 
:''[They glance at the girls who rejected Dustin, who are staring at them]''
:'''Nancy''':  Girls this age are... dumb. But, you give 'em a few years... and they'll wise up. You're gonna drive 'em nuts.
:'''Dustin''': You think so?
:'''Nancy''': Oh, I ''know'' so.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mike meets Eleven at the Snow Ball]''
:'''Mike''': Do you want to dance?
:'''Jane Ives/Eleven''': I... don't know how.
:'''Mike''': I don't either. Do you want to figure it out?
:''[Eleven nods]''

== Season 3 ==
=== ''Chapter One: Suzie, Do You Copy?'' [3.01] ===
:'''Lucas''': ''[about Eleven and Mike]'' They do this every time!
:'''Max''': It's romantic!
:'''Will''': It's gross!
:'''Dustin''': It's bullshit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Billy''': ''[to Karen Wheeler]'' You know, I could uh, teach you if like. I know all the styles. Freestyle... butterfly... breast stroke.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hopper''': Maybe I should just kill Mike. I'm the chief of police, I could cover it up.

=== ''Chapter Two: The Mall Rats'' [3.02] ===
:'''Eleven''': ''[breaking up with Mike]'' I dump your ass.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lucas''': ''[to Mike]'' I'm not gonna lie, it's gonna be bad. But you can fix this. It's just one little mistake. I've made hundreds, thousands. Max has dumped me five times. But what have I done? Huh? Have I despaired? No. I've marched back into battle, and I've won her back every single freaking time.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Hopper, having been stood up by Joyce, moves to leave the restaurant with a bottle of wine]''
:'''Waiter''': Sir, I'm afraid no alcohol is allowed off the premises.
:'''Hopper''': ''[blows raspberry]'' I can do anything I want. I'm the chief of police.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Steve''': I gotta keep in shape for the ladies.
:'''Robin''': Yeah, and how's that working out for you?
:'''Steve''': Ignore her.
:'''Dustin''': She seems cool.
:'''Steve''': She's not.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robin''': So I guess that confirms your suspicion.
:'''Dustin''': Evil Russians.
:'''Robin''': I can't believe I'm about to agree with this strange child, but, yeah, totally evil Russians.

=== ''Chapter Three: The Case of the Missing Lifeguard'' [3.03] ===
:'''Mike''': ''[to Will]'' El is not stupid! It's not my fault you don't like girls! ''[pause]'' Look, I wasn't trying to be a jerk. It's just that we're not kids anymore.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Max''': But here's the thing. When Billy is alone with a girl they make like really crazy noises.
:'''Eleven''': They scream?
:'''Max''': Yeah, but like, happy screams.
:'''Eleven''': Happy screams what is happy screams?
:'''Max''': It's like... I'm just gonna lend you my mom's Cosmo.

=== ''Chapter Four: The Sauna Test'' [3.04] ===
:'''Dustin''': ''[about a ventilation shaft]'' I'll fit. Trust me. No collar bones, remember?
:'''Robin''': Uh, excuse me?
:'''Steve''': Oh, he's, uh Yeah, he's got some disease. Chry, uh, It's chrydo, um... something. Yeah, I dunno. He's missing bones and stuff. He can bend like Gumbo.
:'''Robin''': You mean Gumby.
:'''Steve''': I'm pretty sure it's Gumbo.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dustin''': Don't you love your country?
:'''Erica''': You can't spell &quot;America&quot; without &quot;Erica&quot;.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Erica''': Commence Operation Child Endangerment.
:'''Robin''': Can we maybe not call it that?

=== ''Chapter Five: The Flayed'' [3.05] ===
:'''Joyce''': What is your problem? We have had a very long day. We've been shot at, nearly blown up, walked god knows how many miles in 100 degree heat, stole a car, all while being chased by this gigantic psychopath, all so we could bring HIM to YOU because somehow you're the closest person who speaks Russian, which I can't believe but that doesn't matter because unfortunately we're here, so if you don't mind put that thing away, stop behaving like a jackass, and ask him what he's doing that is making my magnets fall off my damn fridge! Please!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': What are they still doing in there?
:'''Lucas''': I don't know. Girls just like hanging out in bathrooms.
:'''Mike''': Why?
:'''Lucas''': I mean, I don't know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Alexei''': ''[in Russian]'' Get that out of my face, you bald American pig.
:'''Murray''': ''[in Russian]'' I may be bald, but you're the one in handcuffs, Soviet scum.

=== ''Chapter Six: E Pluribus Unum'' [3.06] ===
:'''Murray''': I don't understand what he's saying.
:'''Joyce''': I thought you were fluent.
:'''Murray''': Oh, I'm sorry. Are my free translation services not good enough for you? Because you can just go ahead and file your complaint right up my ass!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Murray''': ''[translating for Alexei, speaking to Hopper]'' He says he likes your courage. You remind him of a fat Rambo.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dustin''': Holy shit - you're a nerd!
:'''Erica''': Come again?
:'''Dustin''': You... are... a... nerd!
:'''Erica''': Okay, you better take that back, nerd!
:'''Dustin''': Can't put the truth back in the box.
:'''Erica''': But it's not the truth.
:'''Dustin''': Let's examine the facts, shall we? Fact one: you're a math whiz, apparently...
:'''Erica''': That was a pretty straightforward equation.
:'''Dustin''': Fact two: you're a political junkie...
:'''Erica''': Just because I don't agree with communism as an ideology...
:'''Dustin''': ''[holding up her backpack]'' Fact number three: you LOVE 'My Little Pony.'
:'''Erica''': And what does 'My Little Pony' have to do with this?
:'''Dustin''': Let's recall the ponies' latest adventure, shall we? The evil centaur team and Tyrek turns Applejack into a dragon at Midnight Castle, and Megan and the other ponies have to use Moochik's magic to defeat his rainbow of darkness, saving them from a lifetime of enslavement. All the pink in the world can't disguise the irrefutable fact that centaurs and castles and dragons and magic are all standard nerd tropes. Ergo, 'My Little Pony' is nerdy, ergo, you, Erica, are a nerd.
:'''Erica''': And how do YOU know so much about 'My Little Pony?'
:'''Dustin''': Because, I'm a nerd. ''[finishes shutting off the fan]'' Let's go... Nerd.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Billy''': ''[Mindflayer speaking through Billy]'' You shouldn't have looked for me. Because now I see you. Now we can all see you. ''You'' let us in. And now, you are going to have to let us stay. Don't you see? All this time, we've been building it. We've been building it, for you. All that work. All that ''pain''. All of it... for you. And now it's time. Time to end it. And we're going to end you and when you are gone we are going to end your friends.
:'''Eleven''': ''[screams]'' No!
:'''Billy''': And then we are going to end... everyone.
:''[Billy sheds tear]''
:'''Eleven''': ''[screams]'' Get away!

=== ''Chapter Seven: The Bite'' [3.07] ===
:'''Dustin''': Are you gonna die on us?
:'''Robin''': We all die, my strange little child friend. It's just a matter of how and when.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robin''': Do you remember what I said about Click's class? About me being jealous and, like, obsessed? Yeah.
:'''Steve''': Yeah.
:'''Robin''': It isn't because I had a crush on you. It's because she wouldn't stop staring at you.
:'''Steve''': Mrs. Click?
:''[Robin laughs to herself]''
:'''Robin''': Tammy Thompson. I wanted her to look at me. But she couldn't pull her eyes away from you and your stupid hair. And I didn't understand, because you would get bagel crumbs all over the floor. And you asked dumb questions. And you were a douchebag. And-and you didn't even like her and I would go home and just scream into my pillow.
:'''Steve''': But Tammy Thompson's a girl.
:'''Robin''': ''[softly]'' Steve.
:'''Steve''': Yeah? ''[He sees Robin's expression]'' Oh. Oh. Holy cow.
:'''Robin''': Yeah. Holy cow.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Max''': ''[to Nancy, who is bandaging El's wound]'' Whoah, hey, what are you doing?
:'''Nancy''': Cleaning the wound?
:'''Max''': No, first we need to stop the bleeding, then clean, then disinfect, then bandage.
:''[everyone stares at her]''
:'''Max''': I skateboard, trust me.

=== ''Chapter Eight: The Battle of Starcourt'' [3.08] ===
:'''Hopper''': ''[to Mike and Eleven]'' There's something I've been wanting to talk to you both about - and I know this is a difficult conversation. But I care about you both very much. And I know you care about each other very much and that's why it's important that we set these boundaries moving forward so we can build an environment, where we ALL feel comfortable, trusted and open to sharing our feelings. Feelings. Jesus. The truth is, for so long, I'd forgotten what those even were. I've been stuck in one place - in a cave, you might say. A deep dark cave. And then, I left some Eggos out in the woods and you came into my life and... for the first time in a long time, I started to feel things again. I started to feel happy. But lately, I guess I've been feeling... distant from you. Like you're pulling away from me or something. I miss playing board games every night, making triple-decker Eggo extravaganzas at sunrise, watching westerns together before we doze off. But I know you're getting older, growing, changing. And I guess... if i'm being really honest, that's what scares me. I don't want things to change. So I think maybe that's why I came here, to try to maybe... stop that change. To turn back the clock. To make things go back to how they were. But I know that's naive. It's just... not how life works. It's moving. Always moving whether you like it or not. And yeah, sometimes it's painful. Sometimes it's sad and sometimes it's surprising. Happy. So you know what? Keep on growing up, kid. Don't let me stop you. Make mistakes, learn from 'em, and when life hurts you - because it will - remember the hurt. The hurt is good. It means you're out of that cave. But, please, if you don't mind, for the sake of your poor old dad, keep the door open three inches.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Suzie''': Dusty-bun?
:'''Erica''': &quot;Dusty-bun&quot;?
:'''Suzie''': Where have you been?
:'''Dustin''': I'm so, so sorry. I--I've been really busy uh, trying to save the world from Russians and monsters.
:'''Suzie''': Of course you have.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Suzie''': I haven't heard from you in a week, and now you want a mathematical equation that you should know so you can save the world?
:'''Dustin''': Suzie-poo, I promise, I will make it up to you as soon as possible.
:'''Suzie''': You can make it up to me now.
:'''Dustin''': What?
:'''Suzie''': I want to hear it.
:'''Dustin''': Not right now.
:'''Suzie''': Yes, now, Dusty-bun.
:'''Dustin''': Suzie-poo, this is urgent.
:'''Suzie''': Yes, yes, you're saving the world, I heard you the first time, but Ged is also saving Earthsea and he's about to confront the shadow, so this is Suzie, signing off.
:'''Dustin''': Wait, wait, wait! Okay. Okay. Shit. ''[He starts nervously singing The Neverending Story by Limahl]'' Turn around Look at what you see...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Will puts his &quot;Dungeons &amp; Dragons&quot; rulebooks in a box]''
:'''Mike''': Whoa, dude. That's the donation box.
:'''Will''': I know. I'll just use yours when I come back. I mean, if we still want to play.
:'''Mike''': Yeah but what if you want to join another party?
:'''Will''': Not possible.
:''[a touched Mike grins. Will returns the smile]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eleven''': Did you talk to your mom? About Thanksgiving?
:'''Mike''': Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got the okay. I'll be there. And then I was thinking maybe you could come up here for Christmas. And Will too. You can come here before or after Christmas or whatever Mrs. Byers wants but I was thinking Christmas Day could be super fun because we'd all have cool new presents to play with and, uh... ''[chuckles]'' Sorry, that made me sound like a seven-year-old.
:'''Eleven''': I like presents too.
:'''Mike''': Yeah, cool. Yeah. I like... I like presents too.
:''[...]''
:'''Eleven''': Mike?
:'''Mike''': Yeah?
:'''Eleven''': Remember that day… at the cabin, you were talking to Max?
:'''Mike''': Um … I don't think I follow.
:'''Eleven''': You talked about your-- your feelings, your heart.
:'''Mike''': Oh. Oh, yeah, that. Man, that was so long ago. Um … That was really heat of the moment stuff, and we were arguing and… I don't really remember… What did I say, exactly?
:'''Eleven''': Mike… I love you too.
:''[Eleven moves closer and kisses Mike]''

== Season 4 ==
=== ''Chapter One: The Hellfire Club'' [4.01] ===
&lt;small&gt;Note: This episode is 1 hour and 18 minutes in length.&lt;/small&gt;

:'''Lucas''': If I get in good with these guys, I'll be in the popular crowd, and then you guys will be too.
:'''Mike''': Has it ever occurred to you that we don't want to be popular?
:'''Lucas''': So you wanna be stuck with the nerds and freaks for three more years?
:'''Dustin''': We ARE nerds and freaks!

=== ''Chapter Two: Vecna's Curse'' [4.02] ===
&lt;small&gt;Note: This episode is 1 hour and 17 minutes in length.&lt;/small&gt;

:''[a frightened Eddie pins Steve to the wall with a broken bottle to his throat]''
:'''Dustin''': Eddie! Eddie! It's me. It's Dustin. This is Steve. He's not gonna hurt you, right, Steve?
:'''Steve''': Right. Yeah.
:'''Dustin''': Steve, why don't you drop the oar?
:''[Steve does so, but Eddie holds the broken bottle closer to Steve's throat]''
:'''Dustin''': He's cool. He's cool.
:'''Steve''': ''[choked]'' I'm cool, man. I'm cool.
:'''Eddie''': What are you doing here?
:'''Dustin''': We're looking for you.
:'''Robin''': We're here to help.
:'''Dustin''': Eddie, these are my friends. You know Robin, from band.
:''[She imitates playing the trumpet]''
:'''Dustin''': This is my friend Max. The one who never wants to play D&amp;D.
:''[Max gives Eddie a half-hearted wave]''
:'''Dustin''': Eddie, we're on your side. I swear on my mother. Right, guys?
:'''Max''': Yes. Yes, we swear.
:'''Robin''': On Dustin's mother.
:'''Steve''': Yeah, Dustin's... Dustin's mother.
:''[after a tense pause, Eddie finally releases Steve]''

=== ''Chapter Three: The Monster and the Superhero'' [4.03] ===
:'''Steve''': Always the babysitter. Always the goddamn babysitter!

=== ''Chapter Four: Dear Billy'' [4.04] ===
&lt;small&gt;Note: This episode is 1 hour and 18 minutes in length.&lt;/small&gt;

:'''Max''': Dear Billy, I don't know if you can even hear this. Two years ago, I would have said, &quot;That's ridiculous, impossible.&quot; But that was before I found out about alternate dimensions and monsters, so... I'm just going to stop assuming that I know anything. So much has happened since you left. Your dad was a total mess. He and my mom started getting into fights. Bad fights. I don't think he could stand being here without you. So he left. And he didn't leave Mom much. She's taken an extra job, and we moved to that lovely trailer park off Kerley. Basically, ever since you left, everything's been... a total disaster. And the worst part is, I can't tell anyone why you're gone. I can't tell them that you saved El's life. That you saved my life. I play that moment back in my head all the time. And sometimes I imagine myself running to you, pulling you away. I imagine that if I had, that you would still be here. And everything would be... everything would be right again. I imagine that we... that we could've become friends. Good friends, like... like a real brother and sister. And I know that's stupid. You hated me. I hated you. But I thought that maybe... maybe we could try again. But that's not what happened. I just... I stood there and I watched. For a while, I tried to be happy. Normal. But I... I think that maybe a part of me died that day too. And I haven't told anyone this. I... I just can't. But I had to tell you. Before it's too late. If you can even hear this. I really hope that you can. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry, Billy. Love, your shitty little sister, Max.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Victor Creel''': This demon, it was taunting me. And I was sure it would take me, just as he'd taken my Virginia. But then... I heard... another voice. At first I believed it was an angel. And I... I followed her, only to find myself... in a nightmare far worse.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': Thanks, by the way.
:'''Will''': For what?
:'''Mike''': For knocking some sense into me. I mean, I was being a total self-pitying idiot.
:'''Will''': I didn't say it.
:'''Mike''': You didn't have to. ''[chuckles]'' Hey, also about the last few days...
:'''Will''': You don't have to say anything. I... I was being a total jerk to El. I deserved it.
:'''Mike''': No. No, no, no. You didn't deserve anything. Listen, the truth is the last year has been weird, you know? And I mean, you know, Max and Lucas and Dustin, they're... they're great. They're great. It's just... It's Hawkins. It's not the same without you. And I feel like maybe I was worrying too much about El, and I don't know, maybe I feel like I lost you or something. Does that make sense?
:''[Will nods]''
:'''Mike''': I have no idea what's gonna happen next. But, whatever it is, I... I think we should work together. I think it'll be easier if we're... we're a team. Friends. Best friends.
:'''Will''': ''[touched; close to tears]'' Cool.
:'''Mike''': ''[smiles]'' Cool.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robin''': Hatch said that music can reach parts of the brain that words can't. So maybe that's the key, a lifeline. A lifeline back to reality. It's worth a shot.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lucas''': I thought we lost you.
:'''Max''': I'm still... I'm still here. I'm still here.

=== ''Chapter Five: The Nina Project'' [4.05] ===
&lt;small&gt;Note: This episode is 1 hour and 16 minutes in length.&lt;/small&gt;

:'''Mike''': I should have explained myself. Cause maybe Eleven would have taken me with her and things would have been different then. But I didn't know what to say.
:'''Will''': Sometimes, I think it's just scary to open up like that. To say how you really feel. Especially to the people you care about the most. Because what if... what if they don't like the truth?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hopper''': I used to think I was cursed. Ever since I was 18. Got some letter of induction in the mail. Uncle Sam wants me to go fight some war in the jungle. Charlie's moving south like a plague 'cause of commie bastards like you, and... you know, I'm happy enough to go. Prove to my old man I'm not the piece of shit he thinks I am. I get over there, I must test well, and they put me in the Chemical Corps. There I am. I'm just... a kid, you know. I'm 18 years old, 8,000 miles away, and I'm mixing up these... 55-gallon drums of Agent Orange. With just these kitchen gloves, you know? We used to clean out these buffalo turbines after a run and just be inhaling the stuff. No masks, nothing. &quot;It's not chemical warfare. It's just herbicide to kill plants. Harmless.&quot; That's what they told us. And then I got back to real life, and these guys I worked with, the ones that made it back, they started trying to get back to normal, you know? Having families. And then things started going wrong. Kids born stillborn. Dead in the womb. Crooked spines, eyes popped out. The horror... followed us, clung to us. My wife Diane, she wanted a baby. I did too. We had a baby, and she was, um... She was born healthy. She was perfect, you know. Sara. And then she died. It wasn't an easy death. She... suffered. I knew the risks, but I, um... I hid them. And then Diane left me. She didn't blame me. Not with words. After that, I was just... I just hid myself in drugs and alcohol. And then people started coming into my life. This girl El, and Joyce just happened, and I told myself they needed me. But that wasn't true. That's a lie. They didn't need me. I needed them. I needed them. You were right, what you said last night. I knew the risks, breaking out of here, but I did it anyway. The minute I sent for Joyce, the minute I sent for her, I sentenced her to death. Just like I did with Sara. Everyone I love, I hurt. See, I was wrong this whole time. I wasn't cursed. I ''am'' the curse.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Robin''': I mean, it's just a clock. Right? Like a normal old clock.
:'''Steve''': Why is this wizard obsessed with clocks? Maybe he's, like, a clockmaker or something?
:'''Dustin''': I think you cracked the case, Steve.

=== ''Chapter Six: The Dive'' [4.06] ===
&lt;small&gt;Note: This episode is 1 hour and 15 minutes in length.&lt;/small&gt;

:'''Jason Carver''': How do you expect to stop the devil if you don't believe he's real?

=== ''Chapter Seven: The Massacre at Hawkins Lab'' [4.07] ===
&lt;small&gt;Note: This episode is 1 hour and 38 minutes in length.&lt;/small&gt;

:'''One''': Like you, I didn't fit in with the other children. Something was wrong with me. All the teachers and the doctors said I was... &quot;Broken,&quot; they said. My parents thought a change of scenery, a fresh start in Hawkins, might just cure me. It was absurd. As if the world would be any different here. But then... to my surprise, our new home provided a discovery. And a new found sense of purpose. I found a nest of black widows living inside a vent. Most people fear spiders. They detest them. And yet, I found them endlessly fascinating. More than that, I found a great comfort in them. A kinship. Like me, they are solitary creatures. And deeply misunderstood. They are gods of our world. The most important of all predators. They immobilize and feed on the weak, bringing balance and order to an unstable ecosystem. But the human world was disrupting this harmony. You see, humans are a unique type of pest, multiplying and poisoning our world, all while enforcing a structure of their own. A deeply unnatural structure. Where others saw order, I saw a straitjacket. A cruel, oppressive world dictated by made-up rules. Seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, decades. Each life a faded, lesser copy of the one before. Wake up, eat, work, sleep, reproduce, and die! Everyone is just waiting. Waiting for it all to be over. All while performing in a silly, terrible play, day after day. I could not do that. I could not close off my mind and join in the madness. I could not pretend. And I realized I didn't have to. I could make my own rules. I could restore balance to a broken world. A predator... but for good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hopper''': The last time I was with El, she wanted just about nothing to do with me. I was just in her way, really. I think back to the way I was with my dad at that age. I was the same way. The exact same way. I think it must be hardwired into us to reject our fathers. So we can grow and move on. Become something of our own. I hope that's what she's doing. Coming into her own.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dustin''': Bada-bada-boom!

=== ''Chapter Eight: Papa'' [4.08] ===
&lt;small&gt;Note: This episode is 1 hour and 20 minutes in length.&lt;/small&gt;

:''[Owens is handcuffed and eye to eye with Jack Sullivan, who's preparing to order a sharpshooter to take out Eleven.] ''
:'''Owens''': Jack, don't do this. I'm begging you.
:''[Jack doesn't say anything for a few seconds, as if considering...then...] ''
:'''Sullivan''': ''[over the radio]'' Take it.
:'''Owens''': ''[Enraged]'' ''You son of a bitch! No! You son of a bitch!''

=== ''Chapter Nine: The Piggyback'' [4.09] ===
&lt;small&gt;Note: This episode is 2 hours and 19 minutes in length.&lt;/small&gt;

:'''Eleven''': Max, are you okay?
:'''Max''': Huh?
:'''Eleven''': Are you okay?
:'''Max''': Yeah. Are you... Are you real? Di... Did I make you?
:'''Eleven''': I'm real.
:'''Max''': How?
:'''Eleven''': I piggybacked from a pizza dough freezer.
:'''Max''': What?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eddie''': I didn't run away this time, right?
:'''Dustin''': No. No, no, no, no. You didn't run.
:'''Eddie''': You're gonna have to look after those little sheep for me, okay?
:'''Dustin''': No, you're gonna do that yourself!
:'''Eddie''': Nah, man. Say, &quot;I'm gonna look after them.&quot; Say it.
:'''Dustin''': I'm... I'm gonna look after...
:'''Eddie''': Good. 'Cause I'm actually gonna graduate. I think it's my year, Henderson. I think it's finally my year. I love you, man.
:'''Dustin''': I love you too.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dustin''': ''[to Eddie's uncle]'' I wish everyone had gotten to know him. Really know him. Because they would've loved him, Mr. Munson. They would've loved him. Even in the end... he never stopped being Eddie. Despite everything. I never even saw him get mad. He could've run. He could've saved himself. But he fought. He fought and died to protect this town. This town that... hated him. He isn't just innocent... Mr. Munson, he's... he's a hero.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lucas''': ''[to Jason]'' I thought I wanted to be like you. Popular. Normal. But it turns out, normal's just a raging psychopath.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': El? I don't know if you can hear this, but... but if you can, I want you to know I'm here, okay? I'm right here. And... I love you. El, do you hear me? I love you. I'm sorry I don't say it more. I... It's not because I'm scared of you. I'm not. I've never felt that way. Never. But I am scared that one day you'll realize you don't need me anymore. And I thought if I said how I felt, it would somehow make that day hurt more. But the truth is, El, I don't know how to live without you. I feel like my life started that day we found you in the woods. You were wearing that yellow Benny's Burgers T-shirt. And it was so big, it almost swallowed you whole. And I knew right then and there, in that moment, that I loved you. And I've loved you every day since. I love you on your good days. I love you on your bad days. I love you with your powers, I love you without your powers. I love you for exactly who you are. You're my superhero. And... I can't lose you. Okay? Do you hear me? I can't lose you. You can do anything. You can fly. You can move mountains. I believe that. I really do. But right now, you just have to fight. Okay? El. Do you hear me? You need to fight! You have to fight. Fight! FIGHT!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eleven''': ''[to Vecna, about Max]'' If you touch her again, I will kill you again.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Vecna''': All I needed was someone to open the door. And you did that for me. Without even realizing it. Didn't you? And when you did realize, you chose to resist. So I sought a means to open my own doors. I sought... your power. So, don't you see? Once again, you have freed me.
:'''Eleven''': No. You don't have to do this. You can still stop this.
:'''Vecna''': It is over, Eleven. Your friends have lost. There is nothing... nothing you can do to stop this now. Hawkins will burn and fall. And the rest of this senseless, broken world. And I will be there. I will be there to pick up the pieces when it does. And remake it into something... beautiful. There was a time when I had hoped to have you by my side. But now I just want you to watch.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Max''': Lucas...
:'''Lucas''': Yes, yes I'm here. I'm here.
:'''Max''': I... I can't feel or... see anything.
:'''Lucas''': I know. I know. It's okay. We're gonna get you help, okay? Just... Just hold on.
:'''Max''': Lucas, I'm scared. I'm so scared. I'm so scared.
:'''Lucas''': I know. I know. I know.
:'''Max''': I don't wanna die. I'm not ready.
:'''Lucas''': You're not gonna die. Hang on.
:'''Max''': I don't wanna go! I'm not ready.
:'''Lucas''': You're not gonna die! Just hang on! Max. Max! Max! No, no, no, Max. Stay with me. Stay with me! Don't go, Max! Max stay with me. Just look at me, Max. Max, look. No. Stay with me, Max. Hang on. Just hang on. Erica, help! Max? Max? Max? Max? Max, stay with me. Max, stay with me. No! No! Max! Max! Please, stay with me! No! Max! Max!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Eleven''': I kept it open. I kept the door open three inches.
:'''Hopper''': I know.
:'''Eleven''': I never stopped believing.
:'''Hopper''': Oh, I know. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. I'm here. I'm here.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': Let's hope One is dead and rotting.
:'''Will''': He's not. Now that I'm here, in Hawkins, I can feel him. And he's hurt. He's hurting. But he's still alive. It's strange, knowing now who it was this whole time, but... I can still remember what he thinks, and how he thinks. And he's not going to stop. Ever. Not until he's taken everything. And everyone. We have to kill him.
:'''Mike''': And we will. We will.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Winona Ryder|Winona Ryder]] - Joyce Byers
* [[w:David Harbour|David Harbour]] - Jim Hopper
* [[w:Finn Wolfhard|Finn Wolfhard]] - Mike Wheeler
* [[Millie Bobby Brown]] - [[w:Eleven (Stranger Things)|Eleven]] &quot;El&quot;
* [[w:Gaten Matarazzo|Gaten Matarazzo]] - Dustin Henderson
* [[w:Caleb McLaughlin|Caleb McLaughlin]] - Lucas Sinclair
* [[w:Natalia Dyer|Natalia Dyer]] - Nancy Wheeler
* [[w:Charlie Heaton|Charlie Heaton]] - Jonathan Byers
* [[w:Cara Buono|Cara Buono]] - Karen Wheeler
* [[w:Matthew Modine|Matthew Modine]] - Martin Brenner
* [[w:Noah Schnapp|Noah Schnapp]] - Will Byers
* [[w:Joe Keery|Joe Keery]] - Steve Harrington
* [[w:Sadie Sink|Sadie Sink]] - Maxine &quot;Max&quot; Mayfield
* [[w:Dacre Montgomery|Dacre Montgomery]] - Billy Hargrove
* [[w:Paul Reiser|Paul Reiser]] - Sam Owens
* [[w:Sean Astin|Sean Astin]] - Bob Newby
* [[w:Maya_Hawke|Maya Hawke]] - Robin Buckley
* [[w:Priah_Ferguson|Priah Ferguson]] - Erica Sinclair
* [[w:Joseph Quinn (actor)|Joseph Quinn]] - Eddie Munson
* [[w:Brett Gelman|Brett Gelman]] - Murray Bauman
* [[w:Mason Dye|Mason Dye]] - Jason Carver

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}} 
* {{imdb title|4574334|Stranger Things}}
* [http://www.magicalquote.com/series/stranger-things/ Stranger Things] quotes at the MagicalQuote

[[Category:2010s American drama TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American horror TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American mystery TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American science fiction TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American supernatural TV shows]]
[[Category:Current shows]]
[[Category:Netflix shows]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Patriarchy</title>
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        <username>Coningsby</username>
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      <comment>/* Quotes */ +</comment>
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      <text bytes="11084" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Sigmund Eggert Wirtshausszene.jpg|thumb|Men see with arrogant eyes which organize everything seen with reference to themselves and their own interests. ~ [[Marilyn Frye]]]]
'''[[w:Patriarchy|Patriarchy]]''' is a [[social system]] where in [[W:Gender roles|gender roles]] dictate the availability of positions of [[leadership]] and the scope of {{w|social privileges}} in [[w:Preference|preference]] to [[males]].
{{Sociology-stub}}
==Quotes==
* [[W:Woman in Christianity|Woman]], compared to other creatures, is the {{w|image of God}}, for she bears dominion over them. But compared unto man, she may not be called the image of God, for [[w:Women in positions of power|she bears not rule and lordship]] over man, but [[w:Biblical patriarchy|ought to obey him]]. The woman shall be subject to man as [[w:Jesus' interactions with women|unto Christ]]. For woman, has not her example from the body and from [[w:Flesh (theology)|the flesh]], that so she shall be subject to man, as the flesh is unto the Spirit, because that the flesh in the weakness and mortality of this life [[w:Lust#Christianity|lusts]] and strives against the Spirit, and therefore would not the [[Holy Ghost]] give example of subjection to the woman of any such thing.
** [[Saint Augustine]], as quoted by [[John Knox]] [http://www.swrb.com/newslett/actualNLs/firblast.htm ''The First Blast to Awaken Women Degenerate'' ] (1558).

* We have to work to find [[solidarity]] in each other’s stories, as differing as their inciting perspectives may be. The patriarchy sands out the edges of our rightful infuriation, making it harder to see in any [[light]] but our own. This [[blindness]] is part of what denies us [[community]]-forming solidarity and part of what has allowed widespread {{w|sexual assault}} and [[W:Sexual harassment|harassment]] to continue for so long.
** [[Lauren Duca]], ''[https://www.teenvogue.com/story/sexism-remembered-and-forgotten Sexism, Remembered and Forgotten]'' (November 17, 2017), ''{{w|Teen Vogue}}''.

* Understanding the total impact of the patriarchy on the female experience is endlessly elusive. ... It is a constant process, perpetually blurred by the ebb and flow of so many epiphanies clouded by self-[[doubt]].
** [[Lauren Duca]], ''[https://www.teenvogue.com/story/sexism-remembered-and-forgotten Sexism, Remembered and Forgotten]'' (November 17, 2017), ''{{w|Teen Vogue}}''.

* Consider a birdcage. If you look very closely at just one wire in the cage, you cannot see the other wires. If your conception of what is before you is determined by this myopic focus, you could look at that one wire, up and down the length of it, and be unable to see why a bird would not just fly around the wire any time it wanted to go somewhere. Furthermore, even if, one day at a time, you myopically inspected each wire, you still could not see why a bird would have trouble going past the wires to get anywhere. There is no physical property of any one wire, nothing that the closest scrutiny could discover, that will reveal how a bird could be inhibited or harmed by it except in the most accidental way. It is only when you step back, stop looking at the wires one by one, microscopically, and take a macroscopic view of the whole cage, that you can see why the bird does not go anywhere; and then you will see it in a moment. It will require no great subtlety of mental powers. It is perfectly obvious that the bird is surrounded by a network of systematically related barriers, no one of which would be the least hindrance to its flight, but which, by their relations to each other, are as confining as the solid walls of a dungeon. 
** [[Marilyn Frye]], ''[[w:The Politics of Reality|The Politics of Reality: Essays in Feminist Theory]]'' (1983), p. 5

* Men see with arrogant eyes which organize everything seen with reference to themselves and their own interests. 
** [[Marilyn Frye]], ''[[w:The Politics of Reality|The Politics of Reality: Essays in Feminist Theory]]'' (1983), p. 67

* Those of us in [[w:Jane Collective|Jane]], in the Women's Movement then and now, had not done, have yet to do, our homework, either that or we are far too [[trusting]], or maybe we [[believe]] that the system is only in need of revision and that it will somehow at some time begin to include us (structurally), work for us. What we must [[understand]] is that the system of patriarchal [[imperialism]] is inimical to [[women]]: it always has been and it always will be. We live by the [[tolerance]] or [[privilege]] or oversight of the patriarchs. &lt;br&gt; We didn't win at [[w:Women’s suffrage|Suffrage]]. We didn't win at [[Roe v. Wade]]. There is no winning. A hundred years of hindsight has us asking how could the Suffragists have thought that getting the vote in a rigged, white, male, heterosexual system was a win. We understand that they should have not organized to become a part of such a system, but, instead, worked to take apart that system. Why do we not ask the same of ourselves? &lt;br&gt; [[Decisions]]/[[laws]] hold only as long as they work for or do not work against the decision/law makers. The acts of &quot;asking [[permission]],&quot; of marching, of lobbying, and demonstrating acknowledge the very [[power]] imbalance women must [[change]]. &lt;br&gt; We should all know by now that the rights of women are legally unacknowledged and structurally, fundamentally incompatible with patriarchy. We are [[treason]] and [[heresy]]: I think we should, embrace that, consider it kernel, foundation, nucleus, and core to being women.
** Johnson, Linnea. [https://web.archive.org/web/20110725214230/http:/www.cwluherstory.org/something-real-jane-and-me-memories-and-exhortations-of-a-feminist-ex-abortionist.html &quot;Something Real: Jane and Me. Memories and Exhortations of a Feminist Ex-Abortionist&quot;]. ''CWLU Herstory Project''. Archived from the original on July 25, 2011. 

* It is no [[wonder]] that [[abortion]] [[law]] does not reflect [[women]]'s [[needs]], [[rights]], and [[thought]]: which laws do? We must [[notice]] that other patriarchal imperialist traditions such as [[rape]], [[pornography]], and the male beating up on women are patriarchal perks--[[rites]] as well as rights of patriarchy; these are the same rights/rites conquering forces often exert, then traditionalize, systematize. These &quot;[[traditions]],&quot; these &quot;[[values]]&quot; are so deeply incorporated into gender relations that, for instance, normative heterosexual behavior is virtually indistinguishable from some outcroppings of [[violence]] against women, like rape and pornography.
** Johnson, Linnea. [https://web.archive.org/web/20110725214230/http:/www.cwluherstory.org/something-real-jane-and-me-memories-and-exhortations-of-a-feminist-ex-abortionist.html &quot;Something Real: Jane and Me. Memories and Exhortations of a Feminist Ex-Abortionist&quot;]. ''CWLU Herstory Project''. Archived from the original on July 25, 2011. 

* '''If you cannot see that [[divinity]] includes [[male]] and [[female]] characteristics and at the same time transcends them, you have bad consequences.''' [[Rome]] and [[w:John Joseph O'Connor|Cardinal O'Connor]] base the exclusion of women [[priests]] on the idea that [[God]] is the [[Father]] and [[Jesus]] is His [[Son]], there were only male [[w:Disciple|disciples]], etc. They are defending a patriarchal [[Church]] with a patriarchal God. '''We must fight the patriarchal misunderstanding of God.'''
** [[w:Hans Kung|Hans Kung]], ''[[w:Newsweek|Newsweek]]'' interview, (July 8, 1991).

* If we take a survey of ages and of countries, we shall find the women, almost - without exception - at all times and in all places, adored and oppressed. Man, who has never neglected an opportunity of exerting his power, in paying homage to their beauty, has always availed himself of their weakness He has been at once their tyrant and their slave.
** Anonymous (attr. [[Thomas Paine]]), &quot;Women, Adored and Oppressed&quot; (1775)

*When we wrote ''Ecofeminism'' we raised the issue of reductionist, mechanistic science and the attitude of mastery over and conquest of nature as an expression of capitalist patriarchy. Today the contest between an ecological and feminist world-view and a worldview shaped by capitalist patriarchy is more intense than ever. This contest is particularly intense in the area of food. GMOs embody the vision of capitalist patriarchy. They perpetuate the idea of ‘master molecules’and mechanistic reductionism long after the life sciences have gone beyond reductionism, and patents on life reflect the capitalist patriarchal illusion of creation. There is no science in viewing DNA as a ‘master molecule’ and genetic engineering as a game of Lego, in which genes are moved around without any impact on the organism or the environment. This is a new pseudo-science that has taken on the status of a religion.Science cannot justify patents on life and seed. Shuffling genes is not making life; living organisms make themselves. Patents on seed mean denying the contributions of millions of years of evolution and thousands of years of farmers’ breeding. One could say that a new religion, a new cosmology, a new creation myth is being put in place, where biotechnology corporations like Monsanto replace Creation as ‘creators’. GMO means ‘God move over’.Stewart Brand has actually said ‘We are as gods and we had better get used to it.’
**[[Vandana Shiva]] in [https://www.academia.edu/37778615/_EcoFeminism_Zed_books_2014_By_Maria_Mies_and_Vandana_Shiva_with_a_Foreword_by_Ariel_Salleh._Ebook_download_PDF  ''Ecofeminism''  Maria Mies and Vandana Shiva, 1993,  2014 Foreword] (2014)

*Despite the admirable intentions of those who believe that patriarchy is solely a cultural invention, there is too much contrary evidence. Patriarchy is worldwide and history-wide, and its origins are detectable in the social lives of [[chimpanzees]]. It serves the reproductive purposes of the men who maintain the system. Patriarchy comes from biology in the sense that it emerges from men's temperaments, out of their evolutionary derived efforts to control women and at the same time have solidarity with fellow men in competition against outsiders. But evolutionary forces have surely shaped women, too, in minds as in bodies, in ways that both defy and contribute to the patriarchal system. If all women followed [[w:Lysistrata|Lysistrata]]'s injunctions and refused their husbands, they could indeed effect change. But they don't. Patriarchy has its ultimate origins in male violence, but it doesn't come from man alone, and it has its sources in the evolutionary interests of both sexes.
**[[w:Richard Wrangham|Richard Wrangham]] and [[w:Dale Peterson|Dale Peterson]], ''[[w:Demonic Males|Demonic Males: Apes and the Origins of Human Violence]]'' (1996), p. 125

== See also ==

* [[Feminism]]
* [[Misogyny]]
* [[Gender bias on Wikipedia]]

== External links ==
* {{Wiktionary-inline|patriarchy}}
* {{wikipedia-inline}}
* {{Commonscat-inline}}
[[Category:Family]]
[[Category:Law]]
[[Category:Social sciences]]
[[Category:Feminism]]
[[Category:Men]]</text>
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    <title>King of the Hill (season 2)</title>
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:'''Seasons:'''  [[King of the Hill (season 1)|1]] [[King of the Hill (season 2)|2]] [[King of the Hill (season 3)|3]] [[King of the Hill (season 4)|4]] [[King of the Hill (season 5)|5]] [[King of the Hill (season 6)|6]] [[King of the Hill (season 7)|7]] [[King of the Hill (season 8)|8]] [[King of the Hill (season 9)|9]] [[King of the Hill (season 10)|10]] [[King of the Hill (season 11)|11]] [[King of the Hill (season 12)|12]] [[King of the Hill (season 13)|13]] | [[King of the Hill|Main]]
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'''''[[W:King of the Hill|King of the Hill]]''''' (1997-2010) was an American animated sitcom that aired on Fox. The show centers around the Hill family, whose head is the ever-responsible, hard-working, loyal, disciplined, and honest Hank Hill.

===''[[w:How to Fire a Rifle without Really Trying|How to Fire a Rifle without Really Trying]]'' [2.1] ===
''Hank is taking Bobby to the gun club''
	
:'''[[w:Bobby Hill|Bobby Hill]]''': Wow, I always thought this was a crack house.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Bobby Hill|Bobby Hill]]''': This gun is very nice.
:'''[[w:Hank Hill|Hank Hill]]''': Yeah, they’re all nice guns and all guns are nice.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': Can I put a gun rack on my bike?
:'''Hank''': Do you know how long I've been waiting for you to ask me that?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Hank Hill|Hank Hill]]''': Why don't we get you into one of those safety courses and if you're still interested after they've taken all the fun out of it, then we'll see about the ponchos and the... uh... tournament.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dale''': Guns don't kill people, the government does.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/.
:'''Hank'': Dale, the [[NRA]] is a [[Washington DC]] based organization. Are you telling me you support Washington D.C.?! 
:'''Dale''': ''*pause*'' THAT'S a thinker...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Cotton Hill|Cotton Hill]]''': Sorry I'm late, I had to stop at the wax museum and give the finger to F.D.R.

===''[[w:Texas City Twister|Texas City Twister]]'' [2.2] ===
:'''[[w:Hank Hill|Hank Hill]]''': Six AM and already the boy ain't right...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Hank Hill|Hank Hill]]''': Don't play mind checkers with me, man.  I'm not in the mood.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Dale Gribble|Dale Gribble]]''': This tornado's already registered a level two on the [[w:Fujita Scale|Fujisaki scale]]. A storm that strong will send an egg through a barn door -- two barn doors if one of them's open. 
:'''Bobby Hill''': What about a level three, Mr. Gribble?
:'''Dale Gribble''': A level three tornado will blow an egg right through a brick wall. Twister chasers call it &quot;Humpty's Revenge.&quot;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
Dale is driving the Dead Bug with Boomhauer on top of the vehicle, heading for the tornado
:'''[[w:Dale Gribble|Dale Gribble]]''': All right, twister. It's just you and me now. Ten years ago you took my shed. ''[the twister's image is reflected on his shades]'' Did you think I'd forget that? Come on, bring it on! ''[a raindrop hits the windshield]'' GAAHH!! No! Please, let me go! ''[Dale panics, and the Dead Bug veers out of control]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
Hank is stopped by decontamination workers that are trying to clean up the barrel of ant poison.
:'''[[w:Hank Hill|Hank Hill]]''': Come on. ''[honks horn]'' Come on! Let's go! Move that truck! ''[a worker walks towards his truck]'' My wife is stuck in Shining Pines.
:'''Decontamination Worker''': I'm not authorized to drive the truck, sir.
:'''[[w:Hank Hill|Hank Hill]]''': My wife is in danger, damn it! Now make something happen!
:'''Decontamination Worker''': ''[blows whistle]'' SECURITY!!!
Bill walks over to Hank's truck.
:'''[[w:Hank Hill|Hank Hill]]''': Bill, thank God! Make this idiot let me pass.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Hank Hill|Hank Hill]]''': What did I do to deserve this? I didn't ''mean'' to curse my wife to Hell!
Hank looks at a worker with a vacuum walking towards the container. Lightning flashes and Hank sees in the worker's place the Grim Reaper for half a second, then reality returns.
:'''[[w:Hank Hill|Hank Hill]]''': ''[worried]'' Ohh...
Hank switches the gear into drive, and floors it. The tornado is rapidly approaching Shining Pines.
:'''[[w:Hank Hill|Hank Hill]]''': Ahhh... AAHH!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
Bobby attempts to get an egg thrown through a brick wall via the force of an [[w:Fujita scale|F-5]] tornado after Dale's story of such an occurrence.
:'''[[w:Bobby Hill|Bobby Hill]]''': This is the chance I've been waiting for!
Bobby throws the egg and it flies back into his face.
:'''Hank''': You're tough, Bill. You're the toughest Army barber I know.
:'''Dale''': Set your mousse to stun, there, Bill.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
Nancy is reporting on the tornado.
:'''[[w:Nancy Gribble|Nancy Gribble]]''': Mention your home was destroyed, and get a free 5-pound bag of onions.

===''The Arrowhead'' [2.3] ===
:'''[[w:Hank Hill|Hank Hill]]''': Fine. But I think you owe my lawn an apology. *pauses* We're waiting!

===''Hilloween'' [2.4] ===
Dale is wearing a suit for Halloween.
:'''[[w:Dale Gribble|Dale Gribble]]''': Booooo! I am a high-priced Washington lobbyist, peddling influence! Who wants candy?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peggy''': Luanne and Bobby are at Junie Harper's house
:'''Hank''':''[Nearly chokes on his beer before swallowing]'' I came very close to spitting out beer!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hank''': ''[To Luanne]'' Just when I think you've said the stupidest thing ever, you keep talkin'!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Luanne''': Halloween is a satanic holiday. It was invented by the Dru-ish.

===''Jumpin' Crack Bass'' [2.5] ===
:'''Hank''': Maybe I should tie the long hair on your head to the short hair on your ass and kick you down the street!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hank''': Dale, you giblet-head, if you were gonna cheat, why'd you buy a frozen bass?
:'''Dale''': I had a coupon.

===''Husky Bobby'' [2.6]===
:'''Bobby''': Are you taking me to the vet?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': Hey I'm dressed like a football coach! You call that a block?!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': Dad, a man took pictures of me!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hank''': ''(finding Luanne in bed with Buckley)'' I'm in a crisis situation here, I gotta go find Bobby. You two take turns kicking each other's asses.

===''The Man Who Shot Cane Skretteberg'' [2.7] ===
:'''[[w:Dale Gribble|Dale Gribble]]''': You wanna tell Cane Skretteburg to knock it off during a rematch today noon? I hope we would agree we had to discuss the horrors we saw on the killing fields of the Family Fun Center.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cane Skretteberg''': I don't care how many guys you held in the men's room, you still can't beat us!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': Hey his scoop's bigger.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pops''': And there's doodies in there, right!?

===''The Son That Got Away'' [2.8]===
:'''Hank''':''(Shouting to Bobby stumbling around on the roof)'' It's a roof! Not American Bandstand!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dale''': When I need to correct Joseph, I tell him he's adopted.

===''The Company Man'' [2.09] ===
===''Bobby Slam'' [2.10] ===
:'''[[w:Peggy Hill|Peggy Hill]]''': Did a woman ruin the [[w:Supreme Court|Supreme Court]]?
:'''[[w:Hank Hill|Hank Hill]]''': Yes, and that woman's name was [[Earl Warren]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Bobby Hill|Bobby Hill]]''': (about an athletic cup) This cup has holes in it. How am I supposed to drink out of this?
:'''[[w:Hank Hill|Hank Hill]]''': No, Bobby. You don't...
:'''[[w:Bobby Hill|Bobby Hill]]''': Gotcha!
:'''[[w:Hank Hill|Hank Hill]]''': Oh, heh-heh...
''(they both just start laughing)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Doug the basketball coach''': Bounce a ball in hockey?! Well that's a mandatory drug test right there!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wrestling Coach''': Shouldn't you be teaching the girls about their monthlies?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Connie''': I wanna go to a party school! Yeah, Chico State!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': Some of the older ones have some breasts!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Clark Peters''': Hey, Bobby, if you don't beat Connie, we don't know what we'll do. So you better beat her!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bill''': I'm all for lady's wrestling. Except when they do it in pudding. That's just demeaning to the human beings who make pudding.

===''The Unbearable Blindness of Laying'' [2.11] ===
:'''[[w:Bobby Hill|Bobby Hill]]''': ''(Stereotypical Yiddish accent)'' Blind he's gone now!

:'''Hank''': Where's my finger?

:'''Bobby''': Are you a war hero like my biological grandfather?

:'''Bobby''': That is so Arizona!

:'''Gary Kazner''': There's a uh, what are those things called?--A semi, a demi, a coupla'-dozen-wheelers.

:'''Bill''': I would never join a religion that restricted my diet. I don't want to get into heaven that way.

:'''Hank''': It seems the other eye compensates by shutting itself down. It's one of nature's wonders.
----
:'''Hank''': I'm not gonna be blind forever you know. And the second I see some ass I'm kicking it. Now no more making fun of my blindness.
:'''Bill''': Okey-doke. ''Bring! Bring!'' Phone for you, Hank ''[takes off shoe and gives it to Hank]''
:''[Everyone laughs but Hank]''
:'''Hank''': The joke's on you, funny man.
:''[Hank throws the shoe out of the room. Ladybird chases after it while dragging Hank with her]''

===''Meet the Manger Babies'' [2.12] ===
:'''Luanne''': OK Luanne, how do they get out of the closet? ''(gasps)'' Ohhh, No, that won't work.
:'''Hank''': ''(whispers)'' Jimmy the lock with a coat-hanger.
:'''Luanne''': What? I don't... I can't... hmmm, what?
:'''Hank''': ''(whispers)'' Jimmy the lock with a... ''(sighs)'' uh, ''(out loud)'' I'll save you, Manger Babies.
:'''Luanne''': You will?
:'''Hank''': Yes, uh, cause I'm the assistant manager of this movie theater. I sell popcorn and popcorn accessories and you are fired.
:'''Luanne''': (as the Manger Babies) We're free, we're free, whoo.
''(audience claps)''
:'''Luanne''': Thank you, assistant manager. Me-how can we ever repay you?
:'''Hank''': By never forgetting this lesson. Sneaking into the movies is wrong. As wrong as spilling juice on a new carpet.
:'''Minister''': Bravo, bravo.
:'''Nancy''': You know Luanne really shouldn't waste this kind of talent on church. If you want, I could show this tape to my boss at channel 84. He's always looking for quality children's programming and home videos of things blowing up.
:'''Peggy''': Well, Luanne really could use a boost right now, but I could not take advantage of our friendship like that, no.
:'''Nancy''': Oh, Peggy, honey. This is show business. That's what friends do.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hank''': Suffering is a part of every religion, Peggy. I mean ... look at what the Jews have been through, and you never hear them complaining.

===''Snow Job'' [2.13]===
:'''Hank Hill''': Hey Vickers, who do you like for the Super Bowl next year? The Doopie Loopies or the Shimmie Shammies?
:''Hank and Buck laugh''
:'''Vickers''': Okay, okay, very funny. But I like the Bills.
:''Hank and Buck laugh again''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Buck Strickland''': Got-dangit Hank, I'm having an infarction!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''Buck has been hospitalized. Hank and the four Strickland branch managers visit him''
:'''Buck''': Listen up, we are a family, and the daddy ain't feeling so good. Ladies, I got a shot coming. If you girls would please step outside? It is rude for such pretty gals like you to have to see my bare bottom.
:''Female managers giggle and depart''
:'''Buck''': OK, now that the skirts are out in the hallway we can get down to business. Hank, you are my right hand man, and I need you to take on this important job.
:'''Hank''': Yes, sir?
:'''Buck''': I need you to feed my hounds. 
:'''Hank''': Uh, sir?
:'''Buck''': Tell them that you will love them! Vickers, you run the company, whole shebang. 
:'''Vickers''': Yes, sir!
:'''Buck''': Let's see what that fancy business school degree of yours is worth.
:'''Hank''': Sir, I fail to see what a business degree has over my 15 years of service to Strickland Propane!
:'''Buck''': I let you light the torch, didn't I? Right now my hounds are starving!

===''I Remember Mono'' [2.14]===
===''Three Days at the Kahndo'' [2.15]===
''[Kahn panics when he finds out the &quot;mi tad&quot; condo is only a half condo and tricks Hank into using a spare key of his to break into the upper half.]''
:'''Kahn Souphanousinphone''': Here's key. Lock little sticky. You got to rake it like there's no tomorrow.
:'''Hank Hill''': This is a car key.
:'''Kahn Souphanousinphone''': Yeah, you win new car. This big game show. Just rake it stupid.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Dale is a poor lawyer.]''
:'''Judge''': You will pay the condo manager 8,000 pesos.
:'''Dale Gribble''': But if the key does fit then you must acquit--.
:'''Judge''': 10,000 pesos. Baliff, confiscate their identification.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Hank and Dale are driving to the border with Kahn hiding in the trunk.]''
:'''Dale''': Now just follow my lead and play it cool.
:'''Hank''': What if they find Kahn?
:'''Dale''': If I know my Mexican legal system, which I do, we'll get about 15 years with a starvation diet of moldy bread and warm water.
:'''Hank''': Distilled water?
:'''Dale''': (chuckling): No. And of course there is a total lack of toilet paper...and privacy.
:'''Hank''': Oh, God, I can't go while people watch.
:'''Dale''': Then let me do the talking.
''[A border guard approaches them.]''
:'''Border Guard''': Morning. Where are you gentlemen from?
:'''Dale''': (voice breaking): Arlen, Texas.
:'''Border Guard''': I've been to Arlen. Nice town.
:'''Dale''': Run!
''[Dale runs out of the car mistakenly believing that they were caught. Kahn gets out of the trunk and runs away too. Hank chuckles nervously before running off as well.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Hank, Dale, and Kahn have just run away from the border guards.]''
:'''Hank''': I think we lost them. We'll be okay.
:'''Dale''': Okay?! We're screwed!
:'''Hank''': No, we're American. We got to find a pay phone and hope Ross Perot's 800 number's still working.
:'''Kahn''': Why you want to call that nut for? Border right there. Millions of people cross over every day. We can, too. No big deal.
:'''Hank''': Illegally? No! America is my country and I love her. I wouldn't enter her in any way that's unnatural.
:'''Dale''': We have no choice, Hank. The I.N.S. had their cameras trained on us. The border guards think we're smugglers. I'm too pretty to go to jail!

===''Traffic Jam'' [2.16] ===
===''Hank's Dirty Laundry'' [2.17] ===
:'''Hank''': It says here I owe $40 and that can't be true. I always bring back my tapes. Look for yourself, I've returned The Great Santini 23 times.
:'''Store Clerk''': Okay, Hank Hill, June 23rd. Yeah, you rented and never returned Cuffs &amp; Collars.
:'''Hank''': I've never even heard of that. Have you?
:'''Peggy''': Nuh-uh. Unless it's got the name Merchant, Ivory, or Billy Crystal above the title. I am not interested.
:'''Bobby''': Wait a minute. Wait a minute. They're buying me a movie for my birthday. That's why we're here, right?
:'''Luanne''': Really, Bobby. They haven't said anything.
:'''Hank''': Bobby, you ever heard of a movie called Cuffs &amp; Collars?
:'''Bobby''': Ooh, I think that's the one with the two cops who don't get along, but then they do, but it's too late, cause he's dead, but not really.
:'''Hank''': So you've seen it?
:'''Bobby''': No.
:'''Hank''': How about you, Luanne?
:'''Luanne''': ''(shakes her head &quot;no&quot;)''
:'''Bobby''': Oh no. You're not getting a movie, Bobby (laughs). You are so smooth.
:'''Hank''': No, we didn't rent it. So if you could please erase the $40 and penalize yourself whatever you think is fair, we'll be on our way.
:'''Store Clerk''': I am sorry, but the computer won't let me erase anything until you either return the tape or pay the $40.
:'''Hank''': I told you I didn't rent the tape, now who is calling me a liar, you or the machine? 'Cause I wanna know whose ass to kick!
:'''Store Clerk''': I'm not calling you a liar, sir.
:'''Hank''': Fine. Now where's the ass on this thing?
:'''Peggy''': ''(sighs)'' I need a dryer, Hank. Just pay for the tape.
:'''Hank''': Absolutely not. I won't pay for someone else's screw up. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if that tape was sitting on the shelf right now. Where would Cuff's &amp; Collars be, Action Adventure, Action Comedy, Action Action?
:'''Store Clerk''': Make a left.
:'''Hank''': Okay. ''(realizes he's in the Adult Section and he rushes out in horror)'' BWAHHHHH!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Boomhauer|Boomhauer]]''': Yeah, man, talkin 'bout that dang ol' Cuffs and Collars, man, like when they come over to clean that pool, man, it starts goin' wakka-wakka-wakka-wakka...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Dale Gribble|Dale Gribble]]''': Computers don't make errors. What they do, they do on purpose. By now, your name and particulars have been fed into every laptop, desktop, mainframe, and supermarket scanner that collectively make up the global information conspiracy, otherwise known as... &quot;the Beast&quot;.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dale Gribble''': Who's not a quitter? My dead friend Hank Hill or my new friend Rusty Shackleford?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hank''': ''(phone rings)'' Strickland Propane. &quot;Taste the meat, not the heat.&quot;
:'''Matt''': Hank?
:'''Hank''': Speaking.
:'''Matt''': How ya doin'? It's Matt.
:'''Hank''': Oh, hey, Matt. How ya been?
:'''Matt''': Pretty good. Pretty good.
:'''Hank''': Uh-huh.
:'''Matt''': So, how's, uh, Peggy?
:'''Hank''': Uh, she's fine, and how's uh, do I know you?
:'''Matt''': Hank, if you like &quot;Cuffs &amp; Collars&quot;, you're gonna love &quot;Rugburn&quot;, Too and by &quot;Rugburn&quot;, Too I mean &quot;Rugburn&quot; also. &quot;Rugburn II&quot; isn't very good.
:'''Hank''': What?! But, who is this?!
:'''Matt''': You know, Matt, from &quot;Consenting Adults&quot;, the country's largest supply of mail order adult entertainment. How many can I put you down for?
:'''Hank''': ZERO! God, please, watch your mouth! This is an interstate phone line! How did you get this number?
:'''Matt''': Not important. What is important is that we have a bigger selection and lower prices than Arlen Video.
:'''Hank''': What?! Arlen Video told you I rent pornography?! Uh, ''(Sees Buck Strickland and his co-workers and gasps)'', who plays the most hits? Y104! Heh, okay. Ah-heh, crazy morning zoo.

===''The Final Shinsult'' [2.18] ===
===''Leanne's Saga'' [2.19] ===
:'''[[w:Luanne Platter|Luanne Platter Kleinschmidt]]''':  Mama got outta prison! ''(runs to the garage)''
:'''[[w:Peggy Hill|Peggy Hill]]''': ''(gasps and drops Ladybird's food dish in shock)'' Oh, I knew it! I just knew it! I told them medium security would not be enough to hold that woman!
:'''Luanne Platter''': No, she didn't escape, She was ''released''! She's coming to visit on Saturday!
:'''Hank Hill''': Uh...she's coming here?
:'''Luanne Platter''': Oh, I can't wait to tell Daddy! Oh, we're gonna be a family again! ''(excitedly exits the garage)''
:'''Peggy Hill''': I will tongue-kiss Bill before I let that tramp in my house!
:'''[[w:Bobby Hill|Bobby Hill]]''': Whoa.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Hank Hill|Hank Hill]]''': Yeah, I was all set to start on a TV cabinet on Saturday, but it's gonna hafta wait a day. Luanne's mama is coming to visit.
:'''[[w:Dale Gribble|Dale Gribble]]''': ''(spits out his beer in shock)'' That woman is a menace to society.
:'''[[w:Bill Dauterive|Bill Dauterive]]''': Well, I dunno, I never met the lady, but she did her time.
:'''[[w:Boomhauer|Boomhauer]]''': I tell you what, ain't no dang ol' lady 'bout her man. She get all liquored up man, all comin' on strong an' pawin' me like a dang ol' animal, man. I tell her &quot;no means no!&quot;
:'''Hank Hill''': Yeah, Leanne's bad news, I tell you what. Peggy's brother was all set to marry a pretty pharmacist gal until Leanne &quot;entertained&quot; at his bachelor party. [sighs] So he marries Leanne and after 18 years of drunken hell, she stabs him with a fork.
:''[Bill plays with a vice, until part of it falls of and hits his foot]'':
:'''Bill Dauterive''': '''AAAAOW! OHH!!''' My foot! I think it's broken!
:'''Hank Hill''': Uh, well, if it's broken, you're gonna have to get that shoe off.
:'''Bill Dauterive''': No! No, no, I - I feel better now. I'm just gonna go ON home.
:'''Hank Hill''': Don't be silly. Just let me - ''(tries to remove Bill's shoe)'' What the...?
:'''Bill Dauterive''': Don't look at me! Don't look at me!
:''[Hank remove Bill's sock, revealing that Bill has a foot fungus. The rest cringe in disgust.]''
:'''Dale Gribble''': I never thought I'd say this, but, I don't think I can finish my beer.
:'''Bill Dauterive''': It's some kinda Athlete's Foot. I've been using this spray for 10 years. &quot;Quick working&quot; my ass.
:'''Hank Hill''': What did the doctor say?
:'''Bill Dauterive''': The only person I ever showed my toes to was my ex-wife. She used 'em against me in the divorce.
:'''Hank Hill''': You don't have to be embarrassed about your toes, Bill, it's just a medical condition.
:'''Bill Dauterive''': Sure, that's what you say. But I don't see you waving your narrow urethra around for everyone to see.
:''[Hank looks perplexed.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peggy Hill''': Honey, marriage is about trust and she... well she betrayed him. It was like a knife in his heart when she stuck that fork in his back.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leanne Platter''': Oh, you have such a lovely home here. Of course if somebody turned on a fire hose it would all be ruined.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hank Hill''': Hey, Leanne. How's that job search coming along? 
:'''Leanne Platter''': Not so good. My best reference just went in for chemical castration.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''Bill is announcing his engagement to a drunk Leanne.''
:'''Bill Dauterive''': We're engaged!
:'''Leanne Platter''': It was supposed to be a SURPRISE! ''(punches Bill and belches)'' I need a smoke!
:'''Bill Dauterive''': This is the happiest day of my life!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''Luanne is showing off her platinum blonde wig.''
:'''Peggy Hill''': I will not have you running around all glammed up like Phyllis Diller!
:'''Luanne Platter''': You're not my mama! Mama is my mama!
:'''Peggy Hill''': Luanne, you are never gonna see her for who she is. Well, I am sorry, but I have not got time for pain. The next time that woman breaks your heart, I'm not gonna be waiting there to say &quot;I told you so.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''Luanne is begging a drunk Leanne to stop being provocative at Leanne's engagement party.''
:'''Luanne Platter''': Mama, please!
:'''Leanne Platter''': Will you quit callin' me that?! I might be 34.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''Leanne is about to stab Buckley with a fork when Peggy stops her.''
:'''Peggy Hill''': Excuse me, ma'am, but that was ''my'' fork.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peggy Hill''': Leanne, whether you like the title or not, you are this girl's mother. She has been waiting her whole life for just a shred of attention from you. But you don't even know how to return a fraction of the love you get from your child or even from your man. I hope someday you can live without alcohol, but until that day we can all live very nicely without you.
:'''Leanne Platter''': I kicked your brother's ass and I will kick yours too, sissy!
:'''Peggy Hill''': Well, there's one thing you didn't count on. My brother has got size 6 feet, but I don't! Ho-yeah! 
''(throws Leanne to the ground with her feet and kicks her, everyone else cheers)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''Leanne steals a truck and leaves.''
:'''Bill Dauterive''': If she doesn't come back, that means she and I weren't meant to be and if she does come back, well then... then I'll call the police.

===''Junkie Business'' [2.20]===
:'''Buck Strickland''': The law says that if we catch someone doing drugs on the job, we can fire him. So here is what you do: Put on your best suit, hop a Greyhound to Dallas, buy every pill, pipe, and powder you can, then return here and spread the stuff around like roach traps. We will get that boy hooked again!
:'''Hank Hill''': All due respect, sir, I have a better plan.
:''Social worker enters''
:'''Anthony Page''': Hello Mr. Hill, I came as fast as I could. From the tone of your phone call it sounded like you had fallen victim to some kind of disability. Tell me all about it.
:'''Hank''': Yes, I too have realized I suffer from a disability. It is known as GWS, or Good Worker Syndrome. I believe doing a full day's work and giving 110%, and get sick to my stomach I don't see everybody else doing the same. The symptoms include pride, enthusiasm, and a feverish devotion to duty. Used to be a common condition among Americans.
:'''Anthony''': Ugh! People like you who game the system make it hard for the rest of us, the truly disabled. ''Anthony holds up hand to show he is wearing a wrist brace, likely associated with carpal tunnel'' I am leaving. Call me if you gives you any more trouble, Leon.
:'''Leon''': Don't call me Leon any more. That was the name I used drugs with. From now on, I want to be known as...Hank Hill.
:'''Hank Hill''': What?! No, that is going too far; I cannot accommodate that. 
:'''Anthony''': It is not up to you, Hank, it is up to &quot;Hank&quot;. This man is not your slave, you do not get to name him!
:'''Hank''': I hate to do this but you leave me no choice. Sir, I quit!
:''Hank proceeds to depart Strickland Propane''
:'''Buck''': What do I do now?
:'''Hank'''{peeping out door}: Whatever you want, Buck. Effective with my resignation the rolls are down to fourteen employees. And that makes this your business, not the government's.
:''Buck reads announcement of Americans with Disabilities Act, which applies to business with 15 or more employees''
:'''Buck''': Hot dang, Hank, you have done it!
:'''Leon''': Why, thank you sir.
:'''Buck''': Not you, you are fired. ''Leon gasps, as does Anthony, who is now powerless. Buck turns on lights'' OK, listen up everyone. Strickland is now small enough to skirt the law. Y'all get back to work this instant or you are fired. ''Loafing employees get themselves in gear; including Debbie, whose rear end was facing everyone when she was lying on a couch'' Oh no, not you Debbie. Your job is to stay right where you are.

===''Life In The Fast Lane, Bobby's Saga'' [2.21]===
:'''Hank''':Bobby, if you weren't my son I'd hug you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''A race is in progress. There is a party on the infield, and Bobby is selling drinks to the guests''
:'''Witchard''': Bobby, I need a soda!
:'''Bobby''': Yes, Mr. Witchard.
:''Bobby proceeds to overhead crossing zone''
:'''Witchard''': Not that way! Just run across.
:'''Bobby''': But the track?!
:'''Witchard''': Don't back-talk the boss man! Ain't you ever cross the highway?! Run where there ain't any cars!
:'''Bobby''': They're going too fast!
:'''Witchard''': Do it you- you monkey boy! I'm the boss of you!
:''Bobby is about to climb guardrail but is restrained by Hank''
:'''Hank''': What the hell. BOBBY NO! What are you doing?
:'''Bobby''': I'm going to cross the track and bring Mr. Witchard a soda.
:'''Hank''': That's crazy! Why would you do something like that?
:'''Bobby''': I'm giving 110%, Dad.
:'''Witchard''': Go-to here, Go-to boy. I want a soda! Go-to now, you!
:'''Hank''': BWAAAAAHHH!!!
:''Hank, infuriated, chases after Jimmy, ironically running on the track himself in his anger''
:'''Announcer''': There's a crazy man on the track!
:'''Hank''': BWAAAAAHHH!!!
:'''Announcer''': Oh, and there goes Gordon into the wall!
:'''Pit crew guy''': You're up!
:'''Dale and Bill''': Boomhauer, Boomhauer, Boomhauer, Yeah!
''(Hank panting)''
:'''Witchard''': Ah! ''(laughing)'' You can't get me!
:'''Hank''': BWAAAAAHHH!!! ''(breaks the caged fence and chases after Witchard)''
:'''Witchard''': ''(screams)''

===''Peggy's Turtle Song'' [2.22] === 
:'''[[w:Bobby Hill|Bobby Hill]]''': There's some milk in the fridge that is about to go bad....and there it goes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bobby Hill''': There are 96 ridges on every checker...except this one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Unidentified feminist singer''':&lt;br&gt;I met a guy in my boxing class&lt;br&gt;and I slept with him before I kicked his ass!

===''Propane Boom'' [2.23] ===
:'''Buckley''': Sir, there's no yelling in the propane department. Some of these gases are extremely valublilous.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Boomhauer''': Hey man, is this dang ol'  911? Hey listen, there's a dang  ol' fire in here, and dang ol' Mega-Lo-Mart went boom!
:'''911 Operator''': Sir, you are going to have to speak a lot more slowly.
:'''Boomhauer''': Dang... ol'... Mega-Lo-Mart... done git went got it, and dang ol' boom!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peggy''': HAAAAAANNNNNKKKK!
:'''Bill''': CHUUUUUCCCCCKKK!
:'''Mega Lo Mart Employee''': Buckley and Luanne are in there!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Luanne''': Buckley said he'd hire me at the Mega-Lo-Mart.
:'''Hank''': Mega-Lo-Mart?! Well why don't you just go down to hell and work for the devil! 
:'''Luanne''': Good thing... that I don't have dangerous brain powers, or right now you'd be in a thousand little pieces!

==External links==
{{Wikipedia|King of the Hill}}
[[Category:King of the Hill seasons]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3153639</id>
      <parentid>3153638</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T19:44:03Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>216.12.58.34</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* How to Fire a Rifle without Really Trying [2.1] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="29086" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[King of the Hill (season 1)|1]] [[King of the Hill (season 2)|2]] [[King of the Hill (season 3)|3]] [[King of the Hill (season 4)|4]] [[King of the Hill (season 5)|5]] [[King of the Hill (season 6)|6]] [[King of the Hill (season 7)|7]] [[King of the Hill (season 8)|8]] [[King of the Hill (season 9)|9]] [[King of the Hill (season 10)|10]] [[King of the Hill (season 11)|11]] [[King of the Hill (season 12)|12]] [[King of the Hill (season 13)|13]] | [[King of the Hill|Main]]
----

'''''[[W:King of the Hill|King of the Hill]]''''' (1997-2010) was an American animated sitcom that aired on Fox. The show centers around the Hill family, whose head is the ever-responsible, hard-working, loyal, disciplined, and honest Hank Hill.

===''[[w:How to Fire a Rifle without Really Trying|How to Fire a Rifle without Really Trying]]'' [2.1] ===
''Hank is taking Bobby to the gun club''
	
:'''[[w:Bobby Hill|Bobby Hill]]''': Wow, I always thought this was a crack house.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Bobby Hill|Bobby Hill]]''': This gun is very nice.
:'''[[w:Hank Hill|Hank Hill]]''': Yeah, they’re all nice guns and all guns are nice.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': Can I put a gun rack on my bike?
:'''Hank''': Do you know how long I've been waiting for you to ask me that?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Hank Hill|Hank Hill]]''': Why don't we get you into one of those safety courses and if you're still interested after they've taken all the fun out of it, then we'll see about the ponchos and the... uh... tournament.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dale''': Guns don't kill people, the government does.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hank'': Dale, the [[NRA]] is a [[Washington DC]] based organization. Are you telling me you support Washington D.C.?! 
:'''Dale''': ''*pause*'' THAT'S a thinker...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Cotton Hill|Cotton Hill]]''': Sorry I'm late, I had to stop at the wax museum and give the finger to F.D.R.

===''[[w:Texas City Twister|Texas City Twister]]'' [2.2] ===
:'''[[w:Hank Hill|Hank Hill]]''': Six AM and already the boy ain't right...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Hank Hill|Hank Hill]]''': Don't play mind checkers with me, man.  I'm not in the mood.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Dale Gribble|Dale Gribble]]''': This tornado's already registered a level two on the [[w:Fujita Scale|Fujisaki scale]]. A storm that strong will send an egg through a barn door -- two barn doors if one of them's open. 
:'''Bobby Hill''': What about a level three, Mr. Gribble?
:'''Dale Gribble''': A level three tornado will blow an egg right through a brick wall. Twister chasers call it &quot;Humpty's Revenge.&quot;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
Dale is driving the Dead Bug with Boomhauer on top of the vehicle, heading for the tornado
:'''[[w:Dale Gribble|Dale Gribble]]''': All right, twister. It's just you and me now. Ten years ago you took my shed. ''[the twister's image is reflected on his shades]'' Did you think I'd forget that? Come on, bring it on! ''[a raindrop hits the windshield]'' GAAHH!! No! Please, let me go! ''[Dale panics, and the Dead Bug veers out of control]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
Hank is stopped by decontamination workers that are trying to clean up the barrel of ant poison.
:'''[[w:Hank Hill|Hank Hill]]''': Come on. ''[honks horn]'' Come on! Let's go! Move that truck! ''[a worker walks towards his truck]'' My wife is stuck in Shining Pines.
:'''Decontamination Worker''': I'm not authorized to drive the truck, sir.
:'''[[w:Hank Hill|Hank Hill]]''': My wife is in danger, damn it! Now make something happen!
:'''Decontamination Worker''': ''[blows whistle]'' SECURITY!!!
Bill walks over to Hank's truck.
:'''[[w:Hank Hill|Hank Hill]]''': Bill, thank God! Make this idiot let me pass.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Hank Hill|Hank Hill]]''': What did I do to deserve this? I didn't ''mean'' to curse my wife to Hell!
Hank looks at a worker with a vacuum walking towards the container. Lightning flashes and Hank sees in the worker's place the Grim Reaper for half a second, then reality returns.
:'''[[w:Hank Hill|Hank Hill]]''': ''[worried]'' Ohh...
Hank switches the gear into drive, and floors it. The tornado is rapidly approaching Shining Pines.
:'''[[w:Hank Hill|Hank Hill]]''': Ahhh... AAHH!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
Bobby attempts to get an egg thrown through a brick wall via the force of an [[w:Fujita scale|F-5]] tornado after Dale's story of such an occurrence.
:'''[[w:Bobby Hill|Bobby Hill]]''': This is the chance I've been waiting for!
Bobby throws the egg and it flies back into his face.
:'''Hank''': You're tough, Bill. You're the toughest Army barber I know.
:'''Dale''': Set your mousse to stun, there, Bill.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
Nancy is reporting on the tornado.
:'''[[w:Nancy Gribble|Nancy Gribble]]''': Mention your home was destroyed, and get a free 5-pound bag of onions.

===''The Arrowhead'' [2.3] ===
:'''[[w:Hank Hill|Hank Hill]]''': Fine. But I think you owe my lawn an apology. *pauses* We're waiting!

===''Hilloween'' [2.4] ===
Dale is wearing a suit for Halloween.
:'''[[w:Dale Gribble|Dale Gribble]]''': Booooo! I am a high-priced Washington lobbyist, peddling influence! Who wants candy?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peggy''': Luanne and Bobby are at Junie Harper's house
:'''Hank''':''[Nearly chokes on his beer before swallowing]'' I came very close to spitting out beer!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hank''': ''[To Luanne]'' Just when I think you've said the stupidest thing ever, you keep talkin'!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Luanne''': Halloween is a satanic holiday. It was invented by the Dru-ish.

===''Jumpin' Crack Bass'' [2.5] ===
:'''Hank''': Maybe I should tie the long hair on your head to the short hair on your ass and kick you down the street!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hank''': Dale, you giblet-head, if you were gonna cheat, why'd you buy a frozen bass?
:'''Dale''': I had a coupon.

===''Husky Bobby'' [2.6]===
:'''Bobby''': Are you taking me to the vet?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': Hey I'm dressed like a football coach! You call that a block?!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': Dad, a man took pictures of me!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hank''': ''(finding Luanne in bed with Buckley)'' I'm in a crisis situation here, I gotta go find Bobby. You two take turns kicking each other's asses.

===''The Man Who Shot Cane Skretteberg'' [2.7] ===
:'''[[w:Dale Gribble|Dale Gribble]]''': You wanna tell Cane Skretteburg to knock it off during a rematch today noon? I hope we would agree we had to discuss the horrors we saw on the killing fields of the Family Fun Center.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cane Skretteberg''': I don't care how many guys you held in the men's room, you still can't beat us!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': Hey his scoop's bigger.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pops''': And there's doodies in there, right!?

===''The Son That Got Away'' [2.8]===
:'''Hank''':''(Shouting to Bobby stumbling around on the roof)'' It's a roof! Not American Bandstand!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dale''': When I need to correct Joseph, I tell him he's adopted.

===''The Company Man'' [2.09] ===
===''Bobby Slam'' [2.10] ===
:'''[[w:Peggy Hill|Peggy Hill]]''': Did a woman ruin the [[w:Supreme Court|Supreme Court]]?
:'''[[w:Hank Hill|Hank Hill]]''': Yes, and that woman's name was [[Earl Warren]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Bobby Hill|Bobby Hill]]''': (about an athletic cup) This cup has holes in it. How am I supposed to drink out of this?
:'''[[w:Hank Hill|Hank Hill]]''': No, Bobby. You don't...
:'''[[w:Bobby Hill|Bobby Hill]]''': Gotcha!
:'''[[w:Hank Hill|Hank Hill]]''': Oh, heh-heh...
''(they both just start laughing)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Doug the basketball coach''': Bounce a ball in hockey?! Well that's a mandatory drug test right there!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wrestling Coach''': Shouldn't you be teaching the girls about their monthlies?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Connie''': I wanna go to a party school! Yeah, Chico State!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': Some of the older ones have some breasts!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Clark Peters''': Hey, Bobby, if you don't beat Connie, we don't know what we'll do. So you better beat her!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bill''': I'm all for lady's wrestling. Except when they do it in pudding. That's just demeaning to the human beings who make pudding.

===''The Unbearable Blindness of Laying'' [2.11] ===
:'''[[w:Bobby Hill|Bobby Hill]]''': ''(Stereotypical Yiddish accent)'' Blind he's gone now!

:'''Hank''': Where's my finger?

:'''Bobby''': Are you a war hero like my biological grandfather?

:'''Bobby''': That is so Arizona!

:'''Gary Kazner''': There's a uh, what are those things called?--A semi, a demi, a coupla'-dozen-wheelers.

:'''Bill''': I would never join a religion that restricted my diet. I don't want to get into heaven that way.

:'''Hank''': It seems the other eye compensates by shutting itself down. It's one of nature's wonders.
----
:'''Hank''': I'm not gonna be blind forever you know. And the second I see some ass I'm kicking it. Now no more making fun of my blindness.
:'''Bill''': Okey-doke. ''Bring! Bring!'' Phone for you, Hank ''[takes off shoe and gives it to Hank]''
:''[Everyone laughs but Hank]''
:'''Hank''': The joke's on you, funny man.
:''[Hank throws the shoe out of the room. Ladybird chases after it while dragging Hank with her]''

===''Meet the Manger Babies'' [2.12] ===
:'''Luanne''': OK Luanne, how do they get out of the closet? ''(gasps)'' Ohhh, No, that won't work.
:'''Hank''': ''(whispers)'' Jimmy the lock with a coat-hanger.
:'''Luanne''': What? I don't... I can't... hmmm, what?
:'''Hank''': ''(whispers)'' Jimmy the lock with a... ''(sighs)'' uh, ''(out loud)'' I'll save you, Manger Babies.
:'''Luanne''': You will?
:'''Hank''': Yes, uh, cause I'm the assistant manager of this movie theater. I sell popcorn and popcorn accessories and you are fired.
:'''Luanne''': (as the Manger Babies) We're free, we're free, whoo.
''(audience claps)''
:'''Luanne''': Thank you, assistant manager. Me-how can we ever repay you?
:'''Hank''': By never forgetting this lesson. Sneaking into the movies is wrong. As wrong as spilling juice on a new carpet.
:'''Minister''': Bravo, bravo.
:'''Nancy''': You know Luanne really shouldn't waste this kind of talent on church. If you want, I could show this tape to my boss at channel 84. He's always looking for quality children's programming and home videos of things blowing up.
:'''Peggy''': Well, Luanne really could use a boost right now, but I could not take advantage of our friendship like that, no.
:'''Nancy''': Oh, Peggy, honey. This is show business. That's what friends do.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hank''': Suffering is a part of every religion, Peggy. I mean ... look at what the Jews have been through, and you never hear them complaining.

===''Snow Job'' [2.13]===
:'''Hank Hill''': Hey Vickers, who do you like for the Super Bowl next year? The Doopie Loopies or the Shimmie Shammies?
:''Hank and Buck laugh''
:'''Vickers''': Okay, okay, very funny. But I like the Bills.
:''Hank and Buck laugh again''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Buck Strickland''': Got-dangit Hank, I'm having an infarction!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''Buck has been hospitalized. Hank and the four Strickland branch managers visit him''
:'''Buck''': Listen up, we are a family, and the daddy ain't feeling so good. Ladies, I got a shot coming. If you girls would please step outside? It is rude for such pretty gals like you to have to see my bare bottom.
:''Female managers giggle and depart''
:'''Buck''': OK, now that the skirts are out in the hallway we can get down to business. Hank, you are my right hand man, and I need you to take on this important job.
:'''Hank''': Yes, sir?
:'''Buck''': I need you to feed my hounds. 
:'''Hank''': Uh, sir?
:'''Buck''': Tell them that you will love them! Vickers, you run the company, whole shebang. 
:'''Vickers''': Yes, sir!
:'''Buck''': Let's see what that fancy business school degree of yours is worth.
:'''Hank''': Sir, I fail to see what a business degree has over my 15 years of service to Strickland Propane!
:'''Buck''': I let you light the torch, didn't I? Right now my hounds are starving!

===''I Remember Mono'' [2.14]===
===''Three Days at the Kahndo'' [2.15]===
''[Kahn panics when he finds out the &quot;mi tad&quot; condo is only a half condo and tricks Hank into using a spare key of his to break into the upper half.]''
:'''Kahn Souphanousinphone''': Here's key. Lock little sticky. You got to rake it like there's no tomorrow.
:'''Hank Hill''': This is a car key.
:'''Kahn Souphanousinphone''': Yeah, you win new car. This big game show. Just rake it stupid.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Dale is a poor lawyer.]''
:'''Judge''': You will pay the condo manager 8,000 pesos.
:'''Dale Gribble''': But if the key does fit then you must acquit--.
:'''Judge''': 10,000 pesos. Baliff, confiscate their identification.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Hank and Dale are driving to the border with Kahn hiding in the trunk.]''
:'''Dale''': Now just follow my lead and play it cool.
:'''Hank''': What if they find Kahn?
:'''Dale''': If I know my Mexican legal system, which I do, we'll get about 15 years with a starvation diet of moldy bread and warm water.
:'''Hank''': Distilled water?
:'''Dale''': (chuckling): No. And of course there is a total lack of toilet paper...and privacy.
:'''Hank''': Oh, God, I can't go while people watch.
:'''Dale''': Then let me do the talking.
''[A border guard approaches them.]''
:'''Border Guard''': Morning. Where are you gentlemen from?
:'''Dale''': (voice breaking): Arlen, Texas.
:'''Border Guard''': I've been to Arlen. Nice town.
:'''Dale''': Run!
''[Dale runs out of the car mistakenly believing that they were caught. Kahn gets out of the trunk and runs away too. Hank chuckles nervously before running off as well.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Hank, Dale, and Kahn have just run away from the border guards.]''
:'''Hank''': I think we lost them. We'll be okay.
:'''Dale''': Okay?! We're screwed!
:'''Hank''': No, we're American. We got to find a pay phone and hope Ross Perot's 800 number's still working.
:'''Kahn''': Why you want to call that nut for? Border right there. Millions of people cross over every day. We can, too. No big deal.
:'''Hank''': Illegally? No! America is my country and I love her. I wouldn't enter her in any way that's unnatural.
:'''Dale''': We have no choice, Hank. The I.N.S. had their cameras trained on us. The border guards think we're smugglers. I'm too pretty to go to jail!

===''Traffic Jam'' [2.16] ===
===''Hank's Dirty Laundry'' [2.17] ===
:'''Hank''': It says here I owe $40 and that can't be true. I always bring back my tapes. Look for yourself, I've returned The Great Santini 23 times.
:'''Store Clerk''': Okay, Hank Hill, June 23rd. Yeah, you rented and never returned Cuffs &amp; Collars.
:'''Hank''': I've never even heard of that. Have you?
:'''Peggy''': Nuh-uh. Unless it's got the name Merchant, Ivory, or Billy Crystal above the title. I am not interested.
:'''Bobby''': Wait a minute. Wait a minute. They're buying me a movie for my birthday. That's why we're here, right?
:'''Luanne''': Really, Bobby. They haven't said anything.
:'''Hank''': Bobby, you ever heard of a movie called Cuffs &amp; Collars?
:'''Bobby''': Ooh, I think that's the one with the two cops who don't get along, but then they do, but it's too late, cause he's dead, but not really.
:'''Hank''': So you've seen it?
:'''Bobby''': No.
:'''Hank''': How about you, Luanne?
:'''Luanne''': ''(shakes her head &quot;no&quot;)''
:'''Bobby''': Oh no. You're not getting a movie, Bobby (laughs). You are so smooth.
:'''Hank''': No, we didn't rent it. So if you could please erase the $40 and penalize yourself whatever you think is fair, we'll be on our way.
:'''Store Clerk''': I am sorry, but the computer won't let me erase anything until you either return the tape or pay the $40.
:'''Hank''': I told you I didn't rent the tape, now who is calling me a liar, you or the machine? 'Cause I wanna know whose ass to kick!
:'''Store Clerk''': I'm not calling you a liar, sir.
:'''Hank''': Fine. Now where's the ass on this thing?
:'''Peggy''': ''(sighs)'' I need a dryer, Hank. Just pay for the tape.
:'''Hank''': Absolutely not. I won't pay for someone else's screw up. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if that tape was sitting on the shelf right now. Where would Cuff's &amp; Collars be, Action Adventure, Action Comedy, Action Action?
:'''Store Clerk''': Make a left.
:'''Hank''': Okay. ''(realizes he's in the Adult Section and he rushes out in horror)'' BWAHHHHH!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Boomhauer|Boomhauer]]''': Yeah, man, talkin 'bout that dang ol' Cuffs and Collars, man, like when they come over to clean that pool, man, it starts goin' wakka-wakka-wakka-wakka...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Dale Gribble|Dale Gribble]]''': Computers don't make errors. What they do, they do on purpose. By now, your name and particulars have been fed into every laptop, desktop, mainframe, and supermarket scanner that collectively make up the global information conspiracy, otherwise known as... &quot;the Beast&quot;.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dale Gribble''': Who's not a quitter? My dead friend Hank Hill or my new friend Rusty Shackleford?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hank''': ''(phone rings)'' Strickland Propane. &quot;Taste the meat, not the heat.&quot;
:'''Matt''': Hank?
:'''Hank''': Speaking.
:'''Matt''': How ya doin'? It's Matt.
:'''Hank''': Oh, hey, Matt. How ya been?
:'''Matt''': Pretty good. Pretty good.
:'''Hank''': Uh-huh.
:'''Matt''': So, how's, uh, Peggy?
:'''Hank''': Uh, she's fine, and how's uh, do I know you?
:'''Matt''': Hank, if you like &quot;Cuffs &amp; Collars&quot;, you're gonna love &quot;Rugburn&quot;, Too and by &quot;Rugburn&quot;, Too I mean &quot;Rugburn&quot; also. &quot;Rugburn II&quot; isn't very good.
:'''Hank''': What?! But, who is this?!
:'''Matt''': You know, Matt, from &quot;Consenting Adults&quot;, the country's largest supply of mail order adult entertainment. How many can I put you down for?
:'''Hank''': ZERO! God, please, watch your mouth! This is an interstate phone line! How did you get this number?
:'''Matt''': Not important. What is important is that we have a bigger selection and lower prices than Arlen Video.
:'''Hank''': What?! Arlen Video told you I rent pornography?! Uh, ''(Sees Buck Strickland and his co-workers and gasps)'', who plays the most hits? Y104! Heh, okay. Ah-heh, crazy morning zoo.

===''The Final Shinsult'' [2.18] ===
===''Leanne's Saga'' [2.19] ===
:'''[[w:Luanne Platter|Luanne Platter Kleinschmidt]]''':  Mama got outta prison! ''(runs to the garage)''
:'''[[w:Peggy Hill|Peggy Hill]]''': ''(gasps and drops Ladybird's food dish in shock)'' Oh, I knew it! I just knew it! I told them medium security would not be enough to hold that woman!
:'''Luanne Platter''': No, she didn't escape, She was ''released''! She's coming to visit on Saturday!
:'''Hank Hill''': Uh...she's coming here?
:'''Luanne Platter''': Oh, I can't wait to tell Daddy! Oh, we're gonna be a family again! ''(excitedly exits the garage)''
:'''Peggy Hill''': I will tongue-kiss Bill before I let that tramp in my house!
:'''[[w:Bobby Hill|Bobby Hill]]''': Whoa.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Hank Hill|Hank Hill]]''': Yeah, I was all set to start on a TV cabinet on Saturday, but it's gonna hafta wait a day. Luanne's mama is coming to visit.
:'''[[w:Dale Gribble|Dale Gribble]]''': ''(spits out his beer in shock)'' That woman is a menace to society.
:'''[[w:Bill Dauterive|Bill Dauterive]]''': Well, I dunno, I never met the lady, but she did her time.
:'''[[w:Boomhauer|Boomhauer]]''': I tell you what, ain't no dang ol' lady 'bout her man. She get all liquored up man, all comin' on strong an' pawin' me like a dang ol' animal, man. I tell her &quot;no means no!&quot;
:'''Hank Hill''': Yeah, Leanne's bad news, I tell you what. Peggy's brother was all set to marry a pretty pharmacist gal until Leanne &quot;entertained&quot; at his bachelor party. [sighs] So he marries Leanne and after 18 years of drunken hell, she stabs him with a fork.
:''[Bill plays with a vice, until part of it falls of and hits his foot]'':
:'''Bill Dauterive''': '''AAAAOW! OHH!!''' My foot! I think it's broken!
:'''Hank Hill''': Uh, well, if it's broken, you're gonna have to get that shoe off.
:'''Bill Dauterive''': No! No, no, I - I feel better now. I'm just gonna go ON home.
:'''Hank Hill''': Don't be silly. Just let me - ''(tries to remove Bill's shoe)'' What the...?
:'''Bill Dauterive''': Don't look at me! Don't look at me!
:''[Hank remove Bill's sock, revealing that Bill has a foot fungus. The rest cringe in disgust.]''
:'''Dale Gribble''': I never thought I'd say this, but, I don't think I can finish my beer.
:'''Bill Dauterive''': It's some kinda Athlete's Foot. I've been using this spray for 10 years. &quot;Quick working&quot; my ass.
:'''Hank Hill''': What did the doctor say?
:'''Bill Dauterive''': The only person I ever showed my toes to was my ex-wife. She used 'em against me in the divorce.
:'''Hank Hill''': You don't have to be embarrassed about your toes, Bill, it's just a medical condition.
:'''Bill Dauterive''': Sure, that's what you say. But I don't see you waving your narrow urethra around for everyone to see.
:''[Hank looks perplexed.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peggy Hill''': Honey, marriage is about trust and she... well she betrayed him. It was like a knife in his heart when she stuck that fork in his back.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leanne Platter''': Oh, you have such a lovely home here. Of course if somebody turned on a fire hose it would all be ruined.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hank Hill''': Hey, Leanne. How's that job search coming along? 
:'''Leanne Platter''': Not so good. My best reference just went in for chemical castration.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''Bill is announcing his engagement to a drunk Leanne.''
:'''Bill Dauterive''': We're engaged!
:'''Leanne Platter''': It was supposed to be a SURPRISE! ''(punches Bill and belches)'' I need a smoke!
:'''Bill Dauterive''': This is the happiest day of my life!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''Luanne is showing off her platinum blonde wig.''
:'''Peggy Hill''': I will not have you running around all glammed up like Phyllis Diller!
:'''Luanne Platter''': You're not my mama! Mama is my mama!
:'''Peggy Hill''': Luanne, you are never gonna see her for who she is. Well, I am sorry, but I have not got time for pain. The next time that woman breaks your heart, I'm not gonna be waiting there to say &quot;I told you so.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''Luanne is begging a drunk Leanne to stop being provocative at Leanne's engagement party.''
:'''Luanne Platter''': Mama, please!
:'''Leanne Platter''': Will you quit callin' me that?! I might be 34.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''Leanne is about to stab Buckley with a fork when Peggy stops her.''
:'''Peggy Hill''': Excuse me, ma'am, but that was ''my'' fork.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peggy Hill''': Leanne, whether you like the title or not, you are this girl's mother. She has been waiting her whole life for just a shred of attention from you. But you don't even know how to return a fraction of the love you get from your child or even from your man. I hope someday you can live without alcohol, but until that day we can all live very nicely without you.
:'''Leanne Platter''': I kicked your brother's ass and I will kick yours too, sissy!
:'''Peggy Hill''': Well, there's one thing you didn't count on. My brother has got size 6 feet, but I don't! Ho-yeah! 
''(throws Leanne to the ground with her feet and kicks her, everyone else cheers)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''Leanne steals a truck and leaves.''
:'''Bill Dauterive''': If she doesn't come back, that means she and I weren't meant to be and if she does come back, well then... then I'll call the police.

===''Junkie Business'' [2.20]===
:'''Buck Strickland''': The law says that if we catch someone doing drugs on the job, we can fire him. So here is what you do: Put on your best suit, hop a Greyhound to Dallas, buy every pill, pipe, and powder you can, then return here and spread the stuff around like roach traps. We will get that boy hooked again!
:'''Hank Hill''': All due respect, sir, I have a better plan.
:''Social worker enters''
:'''Anthony Page''': Hello Mr. Hill, I came as fast as I could. From the tone of your phone call it sounded like you had fallen victim to some kind of disability. Tell me all about it.
:'''Hank''': Yes, I too have realized I suffer from a disability. It is known as GWS, or Good Worker Syndrome. I believe doing a full day's work and giving 110%, and get sick to my stomach I don't see everybody else doing the same. The symptoms include pride, enthusiasm, and a feverish devotion to duty. Used to be a common condition among Americans.
:'''Anthony''': Ugh! People like you who game the system make it hard for the rest of us, the truly disabled. ''Anthony holds up hand to show he is wearing a wrist brace, likely associated with carpal tunnel'' I am leaving. Call me if you gives you any more trouble, Leon.
:'''Leon''': Don't call me Leon any more. That was the name I used drugs with. From now on, I want to be known as...Hank Hill.
:'''Hank Hill''': What?! No, that is going too far; I cannot accommodate that. 
:'''Anthony''': It is not up to you, Hank, it is up to &quot;Hank&quot;. This man is not your slave, you do not get to name him!
:'''Hank''': I hate to do this but you leave me no choice. Sir, I quit!
:''Hank proceeds to depart Strickland Propane''
:'''Buck''': What do I do now?
:'''Hank'''{peeping out door}: Whatever you want, Buck. Effective with my resignation the rolls are down to fourteen employees. And that makes this your business, not the government's.
:''Buck reads announcement of Americans with Disabilities Act, which applies to business with 15 or more employees''
:'''Buck''': Hot dang, Hank, you have done it!
:'''Leon''': Why, thank you sir.
:'''Buck''': Not you, you are fired. ''Leon gasps, as does Anthony, who is now powerless. Buck turns on lights'' OK, listen up everyone. Strickland is now small enough to skirt the law. Y'all get back to work this instant or you are fired. ''Loafing employees get themselves in gear; including Debbie, whose rear end was facing everyone when she was lying on a couch'' Oh no, not you Debbie. Your job is to stay right where you are.

===''Life In The Fast Lane, Bobby's Saga'' [2.21]===
:'''Hank''':Bobby, if you weren't my son I'd hug you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''A race is in progress. There is a party on the infield, and Bobby is selling drinks to the guests''
:'''Witchard''': Bobby, I need a soda!
:'''Bobby''': Yes, Mr. Witchard.
:''Bobby proceeds to overhead crossing zone''
:'''Witchard''': Not that way! Just run across.
:'''Bobby''': But the track?!
:'''Witchard''': Don't back-talk the boss man! Ain't you ever cross the highway?! Run where there ain't any cars!
:'''Bobby''': They're going too fast!
:'''Witchard''': Do it you- you monkey boy! I'm the boss of you!
:''Bobby is about to climb guardrail but is restrained by Hank''
:'''Hank''': What the hell. BOBBY NO! What are you doing?
:'''Bobby''': I'm going to cross the track and bring Mr. Witchard a soda.
:'''Hank''': That's crazy! Why would you do something like that?
:'''Bobby''': I'm giving 110%, Dad.
:'''Witchard''': Go-to here, Go-to boy. I want a soda! Go-to now, you!
:'''Hank''': BWAAAAAHHH!!!
:''Hank, infuriated, chases after Jimmy, ironically running on the track himself in his anger''
:'''Announcer''': There's a crazy man on the track!
:'''Hank''': BWAAAAAHHH!!!
:'''Announcer''': Oh, and there goes Gordon into the wall!
:'''Pit crew guy''': You're up!
:'''Dale and Bill''': Boomhauer, Boomhauer, Boomhauer, Yeah!
''(Hank panting)''
:'''Witchard''': Ah! ''(laughing)'' You can't get me!
:'''Hank''': BWAAAAAHHH!!! ''(breaks the caged fence and chases after Witchard)''
:'''Witchard''': ''(screams)''

===''Peggy's Turtle Song'' [2.22] === 
:'''[[w:Bobby Hill|Bobby Hill]]''': There's some milk in the fridge that is about to go bad....and there it goes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bobby Hill''': There are 96 ridges on every checker...except this one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Unidentified feminist singer''':&lt;br&gt;I met a guy in my boxing class&lt;br&gt;and I slept with him before I kicked his ass!

===''Propane Boom'' [2.23] ===
:'''Buckley''': Sir, there's no yelling in the propane department. Some of these gases are extremely valublilous.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Boomhauer''': Hey man, is this dang ol'  911? Hey listen, there's a dang  ol' fire in here, and dang ol' Mega-Lo-Mart went boom!
:'''911 Operator''': Sir, you are going to have to speak a lot more slowly.
:'''Boomhauer''': Dang... ol'... Mega-Lo-Mart... done git went got it, and dang ol' boom!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peggy''': HAAAAAANNNNNKKKK!
:'''Bill''': CHUUUUUCCCCCKKK!
:'''Mega Lo Mart Employee''': Buckley and Luanne are in there!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Luanne''': Buckley said he'd hire me at the Mega-Lo-Mart.
:'''Hank''': Mega-Lo-Mart?! Well why don't you just go down to hell and work for the devil! 
:'''Luanne''': Good thing... that I don't have dangerous brain powers, or right now you'd be in a thousand little pieces!

==External links==
{{Wikipedia|King of the Hill}}
[[Category:King of the Hill seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>rmypzqoe44oi822fin6vqxmkk75oczm</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153640</id>
      <parentid>3153639</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T19:44:14Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>216.12.58.34</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* How to Fire a Rifle without Really Trying [2.1] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="29087" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[King of the Hill (season 1)|1]] [[King of the Hill (season 2)|2]] [[King of the Hill (season 3)|3]] [[King of the Hill (season 4)|4]] [[King of the Hill (season 5)|5]] [[King of the Hill (season 6)|6]] [[King of the Hill (season 7)|7]] [[King of the Hill (season 8)|8]] [[King of the Hill (season 9)|9]] [[King of the Hill (season 10)|10]] [[King of the Hill (season 11)|11]] [[King of the Hill (season 12)|12]] [[King of the Hill (season 13)|13]] | [[King of the Hill|Main]]
----

'''''[[W:King of the Hill|King of the Hill]]''''' (1997-2010) was an American animated sitcom that aired on Fox. The show centers around the Hill family, whose head is the ever-responsible, hard-working, loyal, disciplined, and honest Hank Hill.

===''[[w:How to Fire a Rifle without Really Trying|How to Fire a Rifle without Really Trying]]'' [2.1] ===
''Hank is taking Bobby to the gun club''
	
:'''[[w:Bobby Hill|Bobby Hill]]''': Wow, I always thought this was a crack house.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Bobby Hill|Bobby Hill]]''': This gun is very nice.
:'''[[w:Hank Hill|Hank Hill]]''': Yeah, they’re all nice guns and all guns are nice.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': Can I put a gun rack on my bike?
:'''Hank''': Do you know how long I've been waiting for you to ask me that?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Hank Hill|Hank Hill]]''': Why don't we get you into one of those safety courses and if you're still interested after they've taken all the fun out of it, then we'll see about the ponchos and the... uh... tournament.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dale''': Guns don't kill people, the government does.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hank''': Dale, the [[NRA]] is a [[Washington DC]] based organization. Are you telling me you support Washington D.C.?! 
:'''Dale''': ''*pause*'' THAT'S a thinker...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Cotton Hill|Cotton Hill]]''': Sorry I'm late, I had to stop at the wax museum and give the finger to F.D.R.

===''[[w:Texas City Twister|Texas City Twister]]'' [2.2] ===
:'''[[w:Hank Hill|Hank Hill]]''': Six AM and already the boy ain't right...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Hank Hill|Hank Hill]]''': Don't play mind checkers with me, man.  I'm not in the mood.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Dale Gribble|Dale Gribble]]''': This tornado's already registered a level two on the [[w:Fujita Scale|Fujisaki scale]]. A storm that strong will send an egg through a barn door -- two barn doors if one of them's open. 
:'''Bobby Hill''': What about a level three, Mr. Gribble?
:'''Dale Gribble''': A level three tornado will blow an egg right through a brick wall. Twister chasers call it &quot;Humpty's Revenge.&quot;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
Dale is driving the Dead Bug with Boomhauer on top of the vehicle, heading for the tornado
:'''[[w:Dale Gribble|Dale Gribble]]''': All right, twister. It's just you and me now. Ten years ago you took my shed. ''[the twister's image is reflected on his shades]'' Did you think I'd forget that? Come on, bring it on! ''[a raindrop hits the windshield]'' GAAHH!! No! Please, let me go! ''[Dale panics, and the Dead Bug veers out of control]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
Hank is stopped by decontamination workers that are trying to clean up the barrel of ant poison.
:'''[[w:Hank Hill|Hank Hill]]''': Come on. ''[honks horn]'' Come on! Let's go! Move that truck! ''[a worker walks towards his truck]'' My wife is stuck in Shining Pines.
:'''Decontamination Worker''': I'm not authorized to drive the truck, sir.
:'''[[w:Hank Hill|Hank Hill]]''': My wife is in danger, damn it! Now make something happen!
:'''Decontamination Worker''': ''[blows whistle]'' SECURITY!!!
Bill walks over to Hank's truck.
:'''[[w:Hank Hill|Hank Hill]]''': Bill, thank God! Make this idiot let me pass.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Hank Hill|Hank Hill]]''': What did I do to deserve this? I didn't ''mean'' to curse my wife to Hell!
Hank looks at a worker with a vacuum walking towards the container. Lightning flashes and Hank sees in the worker's place the Grim Reaper for half a second, then reality returns.
:'''[[w:Hank Hill|Hank Hill]]''': ''[worried]'' Ohh...
Hank switches the gear into drive, and floors it. The tornado is rapidly approaching Shining Pines.
:'''[[w:Hank Hill|Hank Hill]]''': Ahhh... AAHH!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
Bobby attempts to get an egg thrown through a brick wall via the force of an [[w:Fujita scale|F-5]] tornado after Dale's story of such an occurrence.
:'''[[w:Bobby Hill|Bobby Hill]]''': This is the chance I've been waiting for!
Bobby throws the egg and it flies back into his face.
:'''Hank''': You're tough, Bill. You're the toughest Army barber I know.
:'''Dale''': Set your mousse to stun, there, Bill.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
Nancy is reporting on the tornado.
:'''[[w:Nancy Gribble|Nancy Gribble]]''': Mention your home was destroyed, and get a free 5-pound bag of onions.

===''The Arrowhead'' [2.3] ===
:'''[[w:Hank Hill|Hank Hill]]''': Fine. But I think you owe my lawn an apology. *pauses* We're waiting!

===''Hilloween'' [2.4] ===
Dale is wearing a suit for Halloween.
:'''[[w:Dale Gribble|Dale Gribble]]''': Booooo! I am a high-priced Washington lobbyist, peddling influence! Who wants candy?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peggy''': Luanne and Bobby are at Junie Harper's house
:'''Hank''':''[Nearly chokes on his beer before swallowing]'' I came very close to spitting out beer!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hank''': ''[To Luanne]'' Just when I think you've said the stupidest thing ever, you keep talkin'!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Luanne''': Halloween is a satanic holiday. It was invented by the Dru-ish.

===''Jumpin' Crack Bass'' [2.5] ===
:'''Hank''': Maybe I should tie the long hair on your head to the short hair on your ass and kick you down the street!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hank''': Dale, you giblet-head, if you were gonna cheat, why'd you buy a frozen bass?
:'''Dale''': I had a coupon.

===''Husky Bobby'' [2.6]===
:'''Bobby''': Are you taking me to the vet?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': Hey I'm dressed like a football coach! You call that a block?!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': Dad, a man took pictures of me!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hank''': ''(finding Luanne in bed with Buckley)'' I'm in a crisis situation here, I gotta go find Bobby. You two take turns kicking each other's asses.

===''The Man Who Shot Cane Skretteberg'' [2.7] ===
:'''[[w:Dale Gribble|Dale Gribble]]''': You wanna tell Cane Skretteburg to knock it off during a rematch today noon? I hope we would agree we had to discuss the horrors we saw on the killing fields of the Family Fun Center.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cane Skretteberg''': I don't care how many guys you held in the men's room, you still can't beat us!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': Hey his scoop's bigger.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Pops''': And there's doodies in there, right!?

===''The Son That Got Away'' [2.8]===
:'''Hank''':''(Shouting to Bobby stumbling around on the roof)'' It's a roof! Not American Bandstand!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dale''': When I need to correct Joseph, I tell him he's adopted.

===''The Company Man'' [2.09] ===
===''Bobby Slam'' [2.10] ===
:'''[[w:Peggy Hill|Peggy Hill]]''': Did a woman ruin the [[w:Supreme Court|Supreme Court]]?
:'''[[w:Hank Hill|Hank Hill]]''': Yes, and that woman's name was [[Earl Warren]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Bobby Hill|Bobby Hill]]''': (about an athletic cup) This cup has holes in it. How am I supposed to drink out of this?
:'''[[w:Hank Hill|Hank Hill]]''': No, Bobby. You don't...
:'''[[w:Bobby Hill|Bobby Hill]]''': Gotcha!
:'''[[w:Hank Hill|Hank Hill]]''': Oh, heh-heh...
''(they both just start laughing)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Doug the basketball coach''': Bounce a ball in hockey?! Well that's a mandatory drug test right there!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wrestling Coach''': Shouldn't you be teaching the girls about their monthlies?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Connie''': I wanna go to a party school! Yeah, Chico State!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': Some of the older ones have some breasts!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Clark Peters''': Hey, Bobby, if you don't beat Connie, we don't know what we'll do. So you better beat her!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bill''': I'm all for lady's wrestling. Except when they do it in pudding. That's just demeaning to the human beings who make pudding.

===''The Unbearable Blindness of Laying'' [2.11] ===
:'''[[w:Bobby Hill|Bobby Hill]]''': ''(Stereotypical Yiddish accent)'' Blind he's gone now!

:'''Hank''': Where's my finger?

:'''Bobby''': Are you a war hero like my biological grandfather?

:'''Bobby''': That is so Arizona!

:'''Gary Kazner''': There's a uh, what are those things called?--A semi, a demi, a coupla'-dozen-wheelers.

:'''Bill''': I would never join a religion that restricted my diet. I don't want to get into heaven that way.

:'''Hank''': It seems the other eye compensates by shutting itself down. It's one of nature's wonders.
----
:'''Hank''': I'm not gonna be blind forever you know. And the second I see some ass I'm kicking it. Now no more making fun of my blindness.
:'''Bill''': Okey-doke. ''Bring! Bring!'' Phone for you, Hank ''[takes off shoe and gives it to Hank]''
:''[Everyone laughs but Hank]''
:'''Hank''': The joke's on you, funny man.
:''[Hank throws the shoe out of the room. Ladybird chases after it while dragging Hank with her]''

===''Meet the Manger Babies'' [2.12] ===
:'''Luanne''': OK Luanne, how do they get out of the closet? ''(gasps)'' Ohhh, No, that won't work.
:'''Hank''': ''(whispers)'' Jimmy the lock with a coat-hanger.
:'''Luanne''': What? I don't... I can't... hmmm, what?
:'''Hank''': ''(whispers)'' Jimmy the lock with a... ''(sighs)'' uh, ''(out loud)'' I'll save you, Manger Babies.
:'''Luanne''': You will?
:'''Hank''': Yes, uh, cause I'm the assistant manager of this movie theater. I sell popcorn and popcorn accessories and you are fired.
:'''Luanne''': (as the Manger Babies) We're free, we're free, whoo.
''(audience claps)''
:'''Luanne''': Thank you, assistant manager. Me-how can we ever repay you?
:'''Hank''': By never forgetting this lesson. Sneaking into the movies is wrong. As wrong as spilling juice on a new carpet.
:'''Minister''': Bravo, bravo.
:'''Nancy''': You know Luanne really shouldn't waste this kind of talent on church. If you want, I could show this tape to my boss at channel 84. He's always looking for quality children's programming and home videos of things blowing up.
:'''Peggy''': Well, Luanne really could use a boost right now, but I could not take advantage of our friendship like that, no.
:'''Nancy''': Oh, Peggy, honey. This is show business. That's what friends do.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hank''': Suffering is a part of every religion, Peggy. I mean ... look at what the Jews have been through, and you never hear them complaining.

===''Snow Job'' [2.13]===
:'''Hank Hill''': Hey Vickers, who do you like for the Super Bowl next year? The Doopie Loopies or the Shimmie Shammies?
:''Hank and Buck laugh''
:'''Vickers''': Okay, okay, very funny. But I like the Bills.
:''Hank and Buck laugh again''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Buck Strickland''': Got-dangit Hank, I'm having an infarction!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''Buck has been hospitalized. Hank and the four Strickland branch managers visit him''
:'''Buck''': Listen up, we are a family, and the daddy ain't feeling so good. Ladies, I got a shot coming. If you girls would please step outside? It is rude for such pretty gals like you to have to see my bare bottom.
:''Female managers giggle and depart''
:'''Buck''': OK, now that the skirts are out in the hallway we can get down to business. Hank, you are my right hand man, and I need you to take on this important job.
:'''Hank''': Yes, sir?
:'''Buck''': I need you to feed my hounds. 
:'''Hank''': Uh, sir?
:'''Buck''': Tell them that you will love them! Vickers, you run the company, whole shebang. 
:'''Vickers''': Yes, sir!
:'''Buck''': Let's see what that fancy business school degree of yours is worth.
:'''Hank''': Sir, I fail to see what a business degree has over my 15 years of service to Strickland Propane!
:'''Buck''': I let you light the torch, didn't I? Right now my hounds are starving!

===''I Remember Mono'' [2.14]===
===''Three Days at the Kahndo'' [2.15]===
''[Kahn panics when he finds out the &quot;mi tad&quot; condo is only a half condo and tricks Hank into using a spare key of his to break into the upper half.]''
:'''Kahn Souphanousinphone''': Here's key. Lock little sticky. You got to rake it like there's no tomorrow.
:'''Hank Hill''': This is a car key.
:'''Kahn Souphanousinphone''': Yeah, you win new car. This big game show. Just rake it stupid.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Dale is a poor lawyer.]''
:'''Judge''': You will pay the condo manager 8,000 pesos.
:'''Dale Gribble''': But if the key does fit then you must acquit--.
:'''Judge''': 10,000 pesos. Baliff, confiscate their identification.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Hank and Dale are driving to the border with Kahn hiding in the trunk.]''
:'''Dale''': Now just follow my lead and play it cool.
:'''Hank''': What if they find Kahn?
:'''Dale''': If I know my Mexican legal system, which I do, we'll get about 15 years with a starvation diet of moldy bread and warm water.
:'''Hank''': Distilled water?
:'''Dale''': (chuckling): No. And of course there is a total lack of toilet paper...and privacy.
:'''Hank''': Oh, God, I can't go while people watch.
:'''Dale''': Then let me do the talking.
''[A border guard approaches them.]''
:'''Border Guard''': Morning. Where are you gentlemen from?
:'''Dale''': (voice breaking): Arlen, Texas.
:'''Border Guard''': I've been to Arlen. Nice town.
:'''Dale''': Run!
''[Dale runs out of the car mistakenly believing that they were caught. Kahn gets out of the trunk and runs away too. Hank chuckles nervously before running off as well.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Hank, Dale, and Kahn have just run away from the border guards.]''
:'''Hank''': I think we lost them. We'll be okay.
:'''Dale''': Okay?! We're screwed!
:'''Hank''': No, we're American. We got to find a pay phone and hope Ross Perot's 800 number's still working.
:'''Kahn''': Why you want to call that nut for? Border right there. Millions of people cross over every day. We can, too. No big deal.
:'''Hank''': Illegally? No! America is my country and I love her. I wouldn't enter her in any way that's unnatural.
:'''Dale''': We have no choice, Hank. The I.N.S. had their cameras trained on us. The border guards think we're smugglers. I'm too pretty to go to jail!

===''Traffic Jam'' [2.16] ===
===''Hank's Dirty Laundry'' [2.17] ===
:'''Hank''': It says here I owe $40 and that can't be true. I always bring back my tapes. Look for yourself, I've returned The Great Santini 23 times.
:'''Store Clerk''': Okay, Hank Hill, June 23rd. Yeah, you rented and never returned Cuffs &amp; Collars.
:'''Hank''': I've never even heard of that. Have you?
:'''Peggy''': Nuh-uh. Unless it's got the name Merchant, Ivory, or Billy Crystal above the title. I am not interested.
:'''Bobby''': Wait a minute. Wait a minute. They're buying me a movie for my birthday. That's why we're here, right?
:'''Luanne''': Really, Bobby. They haven't said anything.
:'''Hank''': Bobby, you ever heard of a movie called Cuffs &amp; Collars?
:'''Bobby''': Ooh, I think that's the one with the two cops who don't get along, but then they do, but it's too late, cause he's dead, but not really.
:'''Hank''': So you've seen it?
:'''Bobby''': No.
:'''Hank''': How about you, Luanne?
:'''Luanne''': ''(shakes her head &quot;no&quot;)''
:'''Bobby''': Oh no. You're not getting a movie, Bobby (laughs). You are so smooth.
:'''Hank''': No, we didn't rent it. So if you could please erase the $40 and penalize yourself whatever you think is fair, we'll be on our way.
:'''Store Clerk''': I am sorry, but the computer won't let me erase anything until you either return the tape or pay the $40.
:'''Hank''': I told you I didn't rent the tape, now who is calling me a liar, you or the machine? 'Cause I wanna know whose ass to kick!
:'''Store Clerk''': I'm not calling you a liar, sir.
:'''Hank''': Fine. Now where's the ass on this thing?
:'''Peggy''': ''(sighs)'' I need a dryer, Hank. Just pay for the tape.
:'''Hank''': Absolutely not. I won't pay for someone else's screw up. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if that tape was sitting on the shelf right now. Where would Cuff's &amp; Collars be, Action Adventure, Action Comedy, Action Action?
:'''Store Clerk''': Make a left.
:'''Hank''': Okay. ''(realizes he's in the Adult Section and he rushes out in horror)'' BWAHHHHH!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Boomhauer|Boomhauer]]''': Yeah, man, talkin 'bout that dang ol' Cuffs and Collars, man, like when they come over to clean that pool, man, it starts goin' wakka-wakka-wakka-wakka...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Dale Gribble|Dale Gribble]]''': Computers don't make errors. What they do, they do on purpose. By now, your name and particulars have been fed into every laptop, desktop, mainframe, and supermarket scanner that collectively make up the global information conspiracy, otherwise known as... &quot;the Beast&quot;.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dale Gribble''': Who's not a quitter? My dead friend Hank Hill or my new friend Rusty Shackleford?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hank''': ''(phone rings)'' Strickland Propane. &quot;Taste the meat, not the heat.&quot;
:'''Matt''': Hank?
:'''Hank''': Speaking.
:'''Matt''': How ya doin'? It's Matt.
:'''Hank''': Oh, hey, Matt. How ya been?
:'''Matt''': Pretty good. Pretty good.
:'''Hank''': Uh-huh.
:'''Matt''': So, how's, uh, Peggy?
:'''Hank''': Uh, she's fine, and how's uh, do I know you?
:'''Matt''': Hank, if you like &quot;Cuffs &amp; Collars&quot;, you're gonna love &quot;Rugburn&quot;, Too and by &quot;Rugburn&quot;, Too I mean &quot;Rugburn&quot; also. &quot;Rugburn II&quot; isn't very good.
:'''Hank''': What?! But, who is this?!
:'''Matt''': You know, Matt, from &quot;Consenting Adults&quot;, the country's largest supply of mail order adult entertainment. How many can I put you down for?
:'''Hank''': ZERO! God, please, watch your mouth! This is an interstate phone line! How did you get this number?
:'''Matt''': Not important. What is important is that we have a bigger selection and lower prices than Arlen Video.
:'''Hank''': What?! Arlen Video told you I rent pornography?! Uh, ''(Sees Buck Strickland and his co-workers and gasps)'', who plays the most hits? Y104! Heh, okay. Ah-heh, crazy morning zoo.

===''The Final Shinsult'' [2.18] ===
===''Leanne's Saga'' [2.19] ===
:'''[[w:Luanne Platter|Luanne Platter Kleinschmidt]]''':  Mama got outta prison! ''(runs to the garage)''
:'''[[w:Peggy Hill|Peggy Hill]]''': ''(gasps and drops Ladybird's food dish in shock)'' Oh, I knew it! I just knew it! I told them medium security would not be enough to hold that woman!
:'''Luanne Platter''': No, she didn't escape, She was ''released''! She's coming to visit on Saturday!
:'''Hank Hill''': Uh...she's coming here?
:'''Luanne Platter''': Oh, I can't wait to tell Daddy! Oh, we're gonna be a family again! ''(excitedly exits the garage)''
:'''Peggy Hill''': I will tongue-kiss Bill before I let that tramp in my house!
:'''[[w:Bobby Hill|Bobby Hill]]''': Whoa.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Hank Hill|Hank Hill]]''': Yeah, I was all set to start on a TV cabinet on Saturday, but it's gonna hafta wait a day. Luanne's mama is coming to visit.
:'''[[w:Dale Gribble|Dale Gribble]]''': ''(spits out his beer in shock)'' That woman is a menace to society.
:'''[[w:Bill Dauterive|Bill Dauterive]]''': Well, I dunno, I never met the lady, but she did her time.
:'''[[w:Boomhauer|Boomhauer]]''': I tell you what, ain't no dang ol' lady 'bout her man. She get all liquored up man, all comin' on strong an' pawin' me like a dang ol' animal, man. I tell her &quot;no means no!&quot;
:'''Hank Hill''': Yeah, Leanne's bad news, I tell you what. Peggy's brother was all set to marry a pretty pharmacist gal until Leanne &quot;entertained&quot; at his bachelor party. [sighs] So he marries Leanne and after 18 years of drunken hell, she stabs him with a fork.
:''[Bill plays with a vice, until part of it falls of and hits his foot]'':
:'''Bill Dauterive''': '''AAAAOW! OHH!!''' My foot! I think it's broken!
:'''Hank Hill''': Uh, well, if it's broken, you're gonna have to get that shoe off.
:'''Bill Dauterive''': No! No, no, I - I feel better now. I'm just gonna go ON home.
:'''Hank Hill''': Don't be silly. Just let me - ''(tries to remove Bill's shoe)'' What the...?
:'''Bill Dauterive''': Don't look at me! Don't look at me!
:''[Hank remove Bill's sock, revealing that Bill has a foot fungus. The rest cringe in disgust.]''
:'''Dale Gribble''': I never thought I'd say this, but, I don't think I can finish my beer.
:'''Bill Dauterive''': It's some kinda Athlete's Foot. I've been using this spray for 10 years. &quot;Quick working&quot; my ass.
:'''Hank Hill''': What did the doctor say?
:'''Bill Dauterive''': The only person I ever showed my toes to was my ex-wife. She used 'em against me in the divorce.
:'''Hank Hill''': You don't have to be embarrassed about your toes, Bill, it's just a medical condition.
:'''Bill Dauterive''': Sure, that's what you say. But I don't see you waving your narrow urethra around for everyone to see.
:''[Hank looks perplexed.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peggy Hill''': Honey, marriage is about trust and she... well she betrayed him. It was like a knife in his heart when she stuck that fork in his back.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leanne Platter''': Oh, you have such a lovely home here. Of course if somebody turned on a fire hose it would all be ruined.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hank Hill''': Hey, Leanne. How's that job search coming along? 
:'''Leanne Platter''': Not so good. My best reference just went in for chemical castration.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''Bill is announcing his engagement to a drunk Leanne.''
:'''Bill Dauterive''': We're engaged!
:'''Leanne Platter''': It was supposed to be a SURPRISE! ''(punches Bill and belches)'' I need a smoke!
:'''Bill Dauterive''': This is the happiest day of my life!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''Luanne is showing off her platinum blonde wig.''
:'''Peggy Hill''': I will not have you running around all glammed up like Phyllis Diller!
:'''Luanne Platter''': You're not my mama! Mama is my mama!
:'''Peggy Hill''': Luanne, you are never gonna see her for who she is. Well, I am sorry, but I have not got time for pain. The next time that woman breaks your heart, I'm not gonna be waiting there to say &quot;I told you so.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''Luanne is begging a drunk Leanne to stop being provocative at Leanne's engagement party.''
:'''Luanne Platter''': Mama, please!
:'''Leanne Platter''': Will you quit callin' me that?! I might be 34.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''Leanne is about to stab Buckley with a fork when Peggy stops her.''
:'''Peggy Hill''': Excuse me, ma'am, but that was ''my'' fork.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peggy Hill''': Leanne, whether you like the title or not, you are this girl's mother. She has been waiting her whole life for just a shred of attention from you. But you don't even know how to return a fraction of the love you get from your child or even from your man. I hope someday you can live without alcohol, but until that day we can all live very nicely without you.
:'''Leanne Platter''': I kicked your brother's ass and I will kick yours too, sissy!
:'''Peggy Hill''': Well, there's one thing you didn't count on. My brother has got size 6 feet, but I don't! Ho-yeah! 
''(throws Leanne to the ground with her feet and kicks her, everyone else cheers)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''Leanne steals a truck and leaves.''
:'''Bill Dauterive''': If she doesn't come back, that means she and I weren't meant to be and if she does come back, well then... then I'll call the police.

===''Junkie Business'' [2.20]===
:'''Buck Strickland''': The law says that if we catch someone doing drugs on the job, we can fire him. So here is what you do: Put on your best suit, hop a Greyhound to Dallas, buy every pill, pipe, and powder you can, then return here and spread the stuff around like roach traps. We will get that boy hooked again!
:'''Hank Hill''': All due respect, sir, I have a better plan.
:''Social worker enters''
:'''Anthony Page''': Hello Mr. Hill, I came as fast as I could. From the tone of your phone call it sounded like you had fallen victim to some kind of disability. Tell me all about it.
:'''Hank''': Yes, I too have realized I suffer from a disability. It is known as GWS, or Good Worker Syndrome. I believe doing a full day's work and giving 110%, and get sick to my stomach I don't see everybody else doing the same. The symptoms include pride, enthusiasm, and a feverish devotion to duty. Used to be a common condition among Americans.
:'''Anthony''': Ugh! People like you who game the system make it hard for the rest of us, the truly disabled. ''Anthony holds up hand to show he is wearing a wrist brace, likely associated with carpal tunnel'' I am leaving. Call me if you gives you any more trouble, Leon.
:'''Leon''': Don't call me Leon any more. That was the name I used drugs with. From now on, I want to be known as...Hank Hill.
:'''Hank Hill''': What?! No, that is going too far; I cannot accommodate that. 
:'''Anthony''': It is not up to you, Hank, it is up to &quot;Hank&quot;. This man is not your slave, you do not get to name him!
:'''Hank''': I hate to do this but you leave me no choice. Sir, I quit!
:''Hank proceeds to depart Strickland Propane''
:'''Buck''': What do I do now?
:'''Hank'''{peeping out door}: Whatever you want, Buck. Effective with my resignation the rolls are down to fourteen employees. And that makes this your business, not the government's.
:''Buck reads announcement of Americans with Disabilities Act, which applies to business with 15 or more employees''
:'''Buck''': Hot dang, Hank, you have done it!
:'''Leon''': Why, thank you sir.
:'''Buck''': Not you, you are fired. ''Leon gasps, as does Anthony, who is now powerless. Buck turns on lights'' OK, listen up everyone. Strickland is now small enough to skirt the law. Y'all get back to work this instant or you are fired. ''Loafing employees get themselves in gear; including Debbie, whose rear end was facing everyone when she was lying on a couch'' Oh no, not you Debbie. Your job is to stay right where you are.

===''Life In The Fast Lane, Bobby's Saga'' [2.21]===
:'''Hank''':Bobby, if you weren't my son I'd hug you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''A race is in progress. There is a party on the infield, and Bobby is selling drinks to the guests''
:'''Witchard''': Bobby, I need a soda!
:'''Bobby''': Yes, Mr. Witchard.
:''Bobby proceeds to overhead crossing zone''
:'''Witchard''': Not that way! Just run across.
:'''Bobby''': But the track?!
:'''Witchard''': Don't back-talk the boss man! Ain't you ever cross the highway?! Run where there ain't any cars!
:'''Bobby''': They're going too fast!
:'''Witchard''': Do it you- you monkey boy! I'm the boss of you!
:''Bobby is about to climb guardrail but is restrained by Hank''
:'''Hank''': What the hell. BOBBY NO! What are you doing?
:'''Bobby''': I'm going to cross the track and bring Mr. Witchard a soda.
:'''Hank''': That's crazy! Why would you do something like that?
:'''Bobby''': I'm giving 110%, Dad.
:'''Witchard''': Go-to here, Go-to boy. I want a soda! Go-to now, you!
:'''Hank''': BWAAAAAHHH!!!
:''Hank, infuriated, chases after Jimmy, ironically running on the track himself in his anger''
:'''Announcer''': There's a crazy man on the track!
:'''Hank''': BWAAAAAHHH!!!
:'''Announcer''': Oh, and there goes Gordon into the wall!
:'''Pit crew guy''': You're up!
:'''Dale and Bill''': Boomhauer, Boomhauer, Boomhauer, Yeah!
''(Hank panting)''
:'''Witchard''': Ah! ''(laughing)'' You can't get me!
:'''Hank''': BWAAAAAHHH!!! ''(breaks the caged fence and chases after Witchard)''
:'''Witchard''': ''(screams)''

===''Peggy's Turtle Song'' [2.22] === 
:'''[[w:Bobby Hill|Bobby Hill]]''': There's some milk in the fridge that is about to go bad....and there it goes.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bobby Hill''': There are 96 ridges on every checker...except this one.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Unidentified feminist singer''':&lt;br&gt;I met a guy in my boxing class&lt;br&gt;and I slept with him before I kicked his ass!

===''Propane Boom'' [2.23] ===
:'''Buckley''': Sir, there's no yelling in the propane department. Some of these gases are extremely valublilous.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Boomhauer''': Hey man, is this dang ol'  911? Hey listen, there's a dang  ol' fire in here, and dang ol' Mega-Lo-Mart went boom!
:'''911 Operator''': Sir, you are going to have to speak a lot more slowly.
:'''Boomhauer''': Dang... ol'... Mega-Lo-Mart... done git went got it, and dang ol' boom!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Peggy''': HAAAAAANNNNNKKKK!
:'''Bill''': CHUUUUUCCCCCKKK!
:'''Mega Lo Mart Employee''': Buckley and Luanne are in there!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Luanne''': Buckley said he'd hire me at the Mega-Lo-Mart.
:'''Hank''': Mega-Lo-Mart?! Well why don't you just go down to hell and work for the devil! 
:'''Luanne''': Good thing... that I don't have dangerous brain powers, or right now you'd be in a thousand little pieces!

==External links==
{{Wikipedia|King of the Hill}}
[[Category:King of the Hill seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>gx5usgljbtgbiht2v7k6agq83lagvmp</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Zoey 101 (season 4)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>192678</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153782</id>
      <parentid>3106160</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-12T01:50:18Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>67.7.31.110</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Dinner For Two Many */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="28506" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
----
:'''Season''' [[Zoey 101 (season 1)|1]] [[Zoey 101 (season 2)|2]] [[Zoey 101 (season 3)|3]] [[Zoey 101 (season 4)|4]] | '''[[Zoey 101|Main]]'''
----
The following is a list of quotes from the fourth season ''[[Zoey 101]]''. It was aired between January 27 to May 2, 2008.

== Trading Places ==

:'''Chase''': Colin, don't call me a nit!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Zoey''': OH MY GOD! He went to England!
:'''Lola''': This is so tragic!
:'''Quinn''': It's kind of sweet.
:'''Zoey''': TRAGIC!
:'''Quinn''': OKAY! Tragic!
 &lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Chase''': Zoey transferred back to PCA?!
:'''Zoey''':: Chase moved to England?!
:'''Chase''': Michael! Zoey left England. She went back to --
:'''Zoey''': Hey.
:'''Chase''': Zoey. ''(smiles)'' So...you're back at PCA. 
:'''Zoey''': Yeah. And you're in England...at Covington?
:'''Chase''': Uh...yep. 
:'''Zoey''': Why'd you go there? 
:'''Chase''': 'Cause you wouldn't go there! To PCA! Or...I thought you wouldn't...which clearly you did. ''(pauses)'' Why...did you? 
:'''Zoey''' : I missed you.
:'''Chase''' : I missed you too. &lt;!-- not what was really said --&gt;
:'''Zoey''': And...I, uh...kind of heard something.
:'''Chase''': What do you mean? 
:'''Zoey''': Well...a few weeks ago, when I was there, and you were here... 
:'''Chase''': Yeah?
:'''Zoey''': I guess you, or Michael or Logan, left your video chat on...  
:'''Chase''': Okay... 
:'''Zoey''': And I heard you say something. 
:'''Chase''': Uh...could you be more specific? 
:'''Zoey''': ''(sighs)'' I heard you say you're in love with me.
:'''Chase''' : Oh. That's uh...pretty specific. Could you hold on a sec?
:'''Zoey''': Sure.
:'''Chase''': ''(turns off computer)'' OH MY GOD!!!! ''(turns computer back on)''
 &lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:'''Chase''': I love you, Zoey.
:'''Zoey''': Now, was that so hard to say to my face?
:'''Chase''': It was easy.
:'''Zoey''': Good. I love you too.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:'''Michael''': What is wrong with you people?!
:'''Lola''': You said we should try!
:'''Michael''': Not to kill me!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:'''Lola''': You're supposed to be stalling Zoey!
:'''Mark''': I did as long as I could, but I ran out of stuff to say.
:'''Quinn''': So what happened?!
:'''Mark''': .... I pushed her .... into a bush.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

== Fake Roommate ==
:'''Michael''': I don't wanna live with &quot;Mooshna.&quot;
:'''Logan''': Dietrich.
:'''Michael''': I don't want any new roommate!
:'''Logan''': Then we gotta figure out a way to make her think Chase still lives here.
:'''Mark''': ''(over walkie-talkie)'' Can I stop doing this?
:'''Michael''': ''(into walkie-talkie; yelling)'' NO!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''(Michael is swimming in the hot tub before Logan arrives)''
:'''Logan''': Hey, Michael.
:''(he doesn't answer, so Logan throws a squish toy football at him. Michael goes crazy, then turns to him and removes his goggles and snorkel)''
:'''Michael''': What?
:'''Logan''': Our problems are over!
:'''Michael''': You got us that special shampoo?
:'''Logan''': No. I found a way to convince that housing lady that Chase is still our roommate.
:'''Michael''': How are we gonna do that?
:''(Logan leaves to go get something, then comes back with a fake version of Chase and waves his arm)''
:'''Logan''': ''(impersonates Chase)'' I'm back.
:''(Michael nods at the idea as Logan does some poses on the fake Chase)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Zoey''': Hey guys, will you sign this petition to bring Coco back? 
:''(Girls laugh)'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mira''': Well, it's really cool to meet you guys. If you need me, call any time. ''(Mira leaves)''
:'''Zoey, Lola, Quinn, and Stacey''': Bye.
:'''Lola''': Wow, a dorm adviser who's normal.
:'''Quinn''': Who dresses cool.
:'''Lola''': And doesn't smell like bugs and ravioli.
:'''Zoey''': Ok, can we stop trashing Coco behind her back?
:'''Quinn''': Why not? Most people trash her right to her face.
:'''Zoey''': Yeah, but I feel like I got her fired.
:'''Lola''': It wasn't your fault.
:'''Stacey''': Anyways, Coco already got another job.
:'''Zoey''': She did?
:'''Lola''': Really?
:'''Quinn''': Already?
:'''Stacey''': Yeah, she's working at Vaccaro's  Fancy Restaurant just a half a mile up the street from PCA.
:'''Lola''': See, I bet a server there makes a ton more money than a school dorm advisor.
:'''Zoey''': Good, that makes me feel a little better.
:'''Stacey''': Um, Coco isn't working there as a server.
:'''Zoey''': Then what's she doing there? ''(scene changes to Carl's Mini Fancy Restaurant's lady's restroom)''
:'''Coco''': ''(to woman)'' Hey! I'm Coco, ladies restroom attendant. You having a nice dinner? What'd you order? ''(sniffs her)'' Steak! ''(woman walks away and Zoey walks in)'' Zoey, what are you doing here?
:'''Zoey''': Well, Stacey told me you got a job and I just wanted to come by and say &quot;hey.&quot;
:'''Coco''': Hey.
:''(older woman walks in and goes into the stall)''
:'''Zoey''': Look, I'm so sorry about what happened.
:'''Coco''': I'm not. This job is fantastic.
:'''Zoey''': Yeah?
:'''Coco''': Yeah, seriously. Don't worry about it. It's really great, um, sometimes they let me--
:'''Old Woman''': ''(from inside a stall)'' Oh my GOD! This toilet's stopped up! Do you mind?
:'''Coco''': Yes, ma'am. ''(Coco heads over to the stall and turns to Zoey, sobbing)'' &quot;KILL ME!! GO GET A HAMMER,  THEN COME BACK, AND KILL ME WITH IT!&quot; ''(walks into the stall)'' OH! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lola''': Either of you two seen the remote?
:'''Quinn''': It's right over there.
:''[Lola tries to reach the remote from her cushion, unsuccessfully]''
:'''Lola''': I guess I'll just take a nap.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[when the girls are going with Dean Rivers to confront Mira]''
:'''Lola''': You don't have any peanut butter in your pocket, do you? ''[he looks at her confused]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lola''': When I was little, I only liked smooth peanut butter. But now I'm a chunky girl.
:'''Quinn''': Chunky?
:'''Lola''': Well, not THAT way.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Quinn''': ''[chasing a group of people]'' I'LL CATCH YOU EVENTUALLY! JUST SIGN THE PETITION!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Mira''': ''[crying]'' Are you gonna fire me?
:'''Dean Rivers''': Well, duh!
:'''Lola''': Get out of here, you nutbar!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[after Burvich sees that Michael and Logan used a fake Chase]''
:'''Burvich''': FAKE! He's a fake boy! I knew Chase Matthews left PCA. And let me tell you something, mister...you and Logan are getting...
:'''Michael''': OH, HA HA HA! ''[runs off]''
:'''Burvich''': You and Logan...ARE GETTING A NEW ROOMMATE!!!

== Alone at PCA ==

:''(Coco is crying really loud and putting suitcases into the back of her car)''
:'''Zoey''': Um, Coco?
:'''Coco''': I can't go camping, leave me alone.
:'''Lola''': Okay, what do you mean you can't go camping?
:'''Zoey''': What's the problem?
:'''Coco''': I thought Carl, my boyfriend, might be cheating on me.
:''(The kids all moan)''
:'''Coco''': So I went to his house and I climbed up the tree in his front yard to wait for him to come home, right?
:'''Kids''': Right, makes sense, yea.
:'''Coco''': Then I thought he was gonna bring home another girl, which he did, but it was his mother.
:'''Logan''': Okay, well, that's good.
:'''Coco''': No, because the branch I was sitting on broke and I fell on her.
:'''Lola''': Oh my God!
:'''Zoey''': Is she hurt?
:'''Coco''': I don't know, Carl says she has a fractured neck or something.
:'''Michael''': Okay, so then what happened?
:'''Coco''': He called me a lunatic, then broke up with me, so now I have to drive to Frezno and fix this.
:''(Coco continues crying and gets in the front seat of her car)''
:'''Quinn''': You can't just leave us here at PCA.
:'''Lola''': It's semester break!
:''(Coco starts driving away and crying)''
:'''Logan''': Wait!
:'''Zoey''': What are we supposed to do?
:''(Coco drives away and her suitcase falls out of the back of her car spilling underwear and ravioli all over the road.)''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Dean Rivers''': You both know why you're here? ''[neither Michael nor Logan talks]'' Well? You want to confess?
:'''Michael''': I'm sorry! My apple tasted funny so I just heaved it! I didn't know it was gonna hit that squirrel!
:'''Logan''': I have no idea what he's talking about.
:'''Dean Rivers''': This isn't about squirrels or fruit!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Zoey''': Hey guys, we got a problem.
:'''Quinn''': What's wrong?
:'''Zoey''': Michael just called me and said that he and Lo...Why is Quinn a clown?
:'''Lola''': I got bored!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

''[Zoey and Lola are going around campus checking suspects for who might have smashed the trophy]''
:'''Zoey''': So you're sure you were nowhere near the admin building last night between midnight and 1:00 a.m?
:'''Lunch Lady''': I'm sure. I was already in bed asleep by 10-
:'''Lola''': ''[yelling]'' WE'RE NOT IDIOTS!!!
:'''Lunch Lady''': I-I never called you an-
:'''Lola''': WHERE WERE YOU LAST NIGHT BETWEEN MIDNIGHT AND 1:00 A.M.?!
:'''Lunch Lady''': Now you're scaring me!
:'''Zoey''': 'Scuse us! (drags Lola away)
:'''Lola''': She's a liar! That's a lying lunch lady!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Lola''': ''[yelling at Shaymus]'' DID YOU SMASH THE TROPHY?!
:'''Shaymus''': I never smashed nothing, you little chicken!
:'''Lola''': LIAR!!!
:'''Zoey''': We're sorry we bothered you!
:'''Shaymus''': ''[to Lola]'' I'm sorry SHE exists!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Zoey''': Okay, but hurry, because I bet the guys are freaking out.
''[cuts to Michael and Logan's room]''
:'''Michael''': I am freaking out! I am freaking out, man! 
:'''Logan''': Relax!
:'''Michael''': We're under dorm arrest! If my grandma hears my name in the same sentence with the word &quot;arrest&quot;, that lady's gonna back up over me with her pick-up truck. And she's got big old tractor tires on that thing! How come you're so calm about this?
:'''Logan''': Because, I'm rich and innocent. I'm also great looking, but that's just gravy.

==Rumor Of Love==
:'''Zoey''': Awesome. So, I'll see you in class tomorrow.
:'''James''': I'll see you.
:''(James and Zoey stare passionately at one moment. Then they kiss for the first time)''
:'''Both''': Oh, my God.
:''(they kiss again)''

==Anger Management==
:''(Logan is sending an angry voicemail to Dustin)''
:'''Logan''': Listen to me, Dustin! I told you that I expect you to answer your cellphone when I call! I've been trying to reach you for over 10 minutes! And now, I'm late for ping pong! Okay! You've made a fool out of me for the last time! I don't care if you're 11, or 12, or however old you are! You're old enough to not be this much of an idiot!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:''[After Dustin plays Logan's voicemail for Zoey, James, and Michael]''
:'''Michael''': Oh my God.
:'''James''': Who talks to a kid like that?
:'''Zoey''': ''[angrily walks over to the closet and begins rummaging]'' Michael, where are your golf clubs? I'm gonna use a five iron on Logan's head! Here they are. ''[draws out a long golf club and begins walking towards the door, but James takes the club from her and Michael grabs her around the waist and lifts her up]'' Hey, put me down! ''[Michael sits her down on the couch beside him]'' Am I the only one who wants to do something about this?!
:'''Michael''': No, you're just the only one who wants to drive Logan's head 150 yards.
:'''Zoey''': I want to get him!
:'''James''': We're gonna get him.
:'''Zoey''': How?!
:'''James''': I think we just need to let Logan hear what he sounds like. ''[waves Dustin's cellphone with Logan's voicemail on it]''
:'''Dustin''': He won't care.
:'''Zoey''': No way he'll care.
:'''James''': I bet he'll care if a lotta people hear what he sounds like. ''[connects Dustin's cellphone to the computer and begins uploading the voicemail online]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Logan''': ''(addressing anger management class)'' I go to PCA, a boarding school not too far from here. And I left a voicemail to this kid, Dustin---
:'''David''': You're the jerk that left that voicemail?!
:'''Angry Female student''': I heard that on the internet!
:''(Anger management class surrounds Logan and starts yelling at him)''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Michael''': Ha, hey! It's the angry young man!
:'''Logan''': Not funny, dude! I just spent two hours in a classroom full of freaks!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:''[while Logan's voicemail is being shown on PCA News]''
:'''Jeremiah Trottman''': I know it's not the place of a journalist to give his opinion, but in this case I must. Logan Reese, you are despicable! Jeremiah Trottman, PCA News. Courage!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Quinn''': So, we're good?
:'''Lola''': We're good. What do you say we go down to the lounge and gawk at guys?
:'''Quinn''': Let's gawk. ''(the two walk off laughing)''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''James''': Hey, I'm gonna go shoot some hoops.
:'''Logan''': Who cares what you do?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Zoey''': Look at you! How can you not get mad?!
:'''Logan''': 'Cause I'm too smart for you. And you. And you!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;

:'''Logan''':''(To Katie)'' Hey, can I borrow a pen?
:'''Katie''':''(To Logan)'' DON'T HASSLE ME!!!
:''(Anger management class surrounds Logan and starts yelling at him once again)''

==Quinn Misses The Mark==

:'''Michael''': Smell my breath!
:'''Logan''': No!
:'''Michael''': Smell it! Does it smell like cookie in here? ''(he breathes in Logan's face)''
:'''Logan''': Gross! NEVER do that again!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''(Quinn is playing with an art program on her computer to mess up a picture of Mark)''
:'''Lola''': What'cha doing?
:'''Quinn''': Mangling Mark's face.
:'''Lola''': This is not a good use of your time.
:'''Quinn''': Well, it makes me feel better!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''James''': Uh-oh, Zoey says I'm late.
:'''Michael''': For what?
:'''James''': I don't know. But she's my girlfriend, and says I'm late. So the best thing would be for me to run.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lola''': Oh, God...you guys aren't gonna be one of ''those'' couples, aren't you?
:'''Zoey''': I just fed him a grape. Want me to feed you one?
:'''Lola''': Okay. ''(she does)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''(Logan rides past Quinn sitting on a bench and crying so he turns his Jet-X around and parks it by the bench'')
:'''Logan''':  What's your problem?
:'''Quinn''':  Nothing, Logan.  Just keep riding.
:'''Logan''':  You been crying?  What's wrong?
:'''Quinn''':  Nothing!
:'''Logan''':  C'mon.  Talk to me.
:'''Quinn''':  Mark broke up with me.
:'''Logan''':  Oh, yeah.  I heard you got dumped...(''Quinn has a hurt look on her face'')...Broken up with.
:'''Quinn''':  Yeah, after two years.
:'''Logan''':  Why did he dump...(''Quinn looks hurt)''...break up with you?
:'''Quinn''':  'Cuz he fell for Brooke Margolin.
:'''Logan''':  Oh, she's hot...''(Quinn gives him a &quot;Why would you say that?&quot; look)''...hot-ish.
:''(Quinn rolls her eyes and it transitions to Michael and the horse)''
:'''Michael''': ''(to the horse)''  You gotta quit following me around. ''(walks ahead then horse neighs)'' This is a school.  You are not enrolled in it.  Now, please, just go on home. ''(starts to walk away but horse follows)'' Will you stop following me around everywhere?  Look, I'm not your owner and I'm not your friend.  There, I said it.
:''(Zoey runs up to them, looking worried and running late)''
:'''Zoey''':  Michael.
:'''Michael''':  What?
:'''Zoey''':  Can I use your Jet-X?
:'''Michael''':  It's back in my dorm.
:'''Zoey''':  Oh, man!
:'''Michael''':  What's the problem?
:'''Zoey''':  I laid down in the lounge to take a 5 minute nap, which turned into a 45 minute nap, and if I don't get to class in...''(checks her phone for the time)''...four minutes, Mr. Thatcher's gonna give me a zero and ruin my life.
:'''Michael''':  Well, uh...''(looks at the horse)''...I'll get you there...''(jumps on horse)''...give me your hand.
:'''Zoey''':  Where did you get a horse?
:'''Michael''':  No time for questions. Give me your hand. ''(Zoey reaches out to Michael, who gets her up on the horse. They ride off for class)''
:'''Zoey''':  This is insane.
:''(Transitions back to Quinn and Logan on the bench)''
:'''Quinn''':  I mean, I guess I can't be mad at Mark.
:'''Logan''':  Well, if it makes you feel any better, I think Mark's an idiot.
:'''Quinn''':  Yeah, yeah, I know you hate him.
:'''Logan''':  I don't hate him, I mean, he's an idiot for breaking up with you.
:'''Quinn''':  Why do you say that?
:'''Logan''':  I don't know, I mean, we all know you're weird...''(Quinn looks away slightly insulted)''...but you're smart, pretty, and you're kinda fun.
:'''Quinn''':  Thanks.
:'''Logan''':  Sure, and why are you dressed like that?
:'''Quinn''': I was trying to compete with Brooke.
:'''Logan''':  Well, don't. 
:''(Logan puts on Quinn's glasses)''
:'''Logan''':  There's Quinn.
:''(they kiss until Zoey and Michael ride past on the horse)''
:'''Logan''':  Weirdest.  Day.  Ever.
:'''Quinn''':  Uh-huh.
:''(they slide away to opposite ends of the bench and avoid looking at each other, and then the scene transitions again)''

==Walk-a-thon==
:'''Logan''': Do you think he knows we're dating?
:'''Quinn''': He might, which is really bad!
:'''Logan''': I know! ...Wanna go make out?
:'''Quinn''': Absolutely!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lola''': And you'll fix it?
:'''Zoey''': Yes, I'm Zoey, you new? Come on, Dustin.
:''[Zoey starts to leave, but Dustin is staring at Lola, who is wearing her bikini]''
:'''Lola''': ...Quit looking at my swimsuit. (Nick's way of saying &quot;Quit looking at my boobs.&quot;)
:'''Dustin''': I'm not. You have a bug on your stomach.
:''(Lola screams as she waves herself around trying to get it off her)''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lola''': ''[trying to knit her sweater]'' I am going to FIX you! ...After I eat that pudding. ''[she takes the pudding bowl from the pool table, but Michael takes it out of her hands]''

== Vince is Back ==
:'''Logan''': So that's it?!
:'''Michael''': That's just it?!
:'''Quinn''': Yep!
:'''Michael''': So Dean Rivers is just fine with letting him go to school here?
:'''Lola''': Uh-huh.
:'''Quinn''': He wouldn't even listen to us.
:'''Zoey''': He just sat there making a teeny cheesecake.
:'''Logan''': Did you remind him that he beat up me, Michael and Chase?!
:'''Michael''': AND Del Figgalo!
:'''Quinn''': Well, Mark probably deserved it.
:'''Lola''': But he was your boyfriend.
:'''Logan''': Well, he's not anymore! ''[Zoey and James look at each other confused, and Quinn glares at him]'' Well, he's not.
:'''Michael''': I'm outraged! Out-raged!
:'''Zoey''': Me, too!
:'''James''': Now calm down. Have a capucchino.
&lt;hr width=50%'&gt;

:'''Michael''': We're gonna dish out a little comeuppance.
:'''Logan''': The little thing you wear on your tuxedo?
&lt;hr width=50%'&gt;

:'''Logan''': You're lame.
:'''Lola''': You're stupid!
:'''Quinn''': Leave him alone!

== Dinner For Two Many ==

:'''Michael''': Just thought I'd invite you to come shoot some pool with me and Lola! ...But she's awful.
:'''Lola''': I heard that.
:'''Michael'''But  she's got some really good hearing!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Lola''': Is it wrong to be in love with a crabcake?
:'''Michael''': If it's wrong, then I don't want to be right.
:'''Quinn''': Did you guys know that crabs are omnivores that eat algae and fungus and worms?
:'''Lola''': Algae and fungus and worms?
:'''Michael''': Oh my! 
:''[Lola and Logan puts their crabcake down]''

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;

:'''Maurice''': Well, I guess someone doesn't understand what &quot;banned&quot; means.
:'''Coco''': Maurice, listen--
:'''Maurice''': Oh, get out of my sight.
:'''Coco''': Wait. Why are you in the women's restroom?
:'''Quinn''': He likes the lollipops.
:'''Maurice''': I want you and your little chicky friends outta here.
:'''Lola''': You can't throw us out!
:'''Coco''': Yeah. Look, Maurice--
:'''Maurice''': ''[removes the girls from the women's restroom]'' Yes, I can throw you out. Turn around. There's the exit. Move. Move, ladies. Ladies. Must I call security on you? Out of my bathroom. Out of my restaurant.
:''[Quinn, Lola, Coco and Maurice argue as Coco whimpers]''
:'''James''': What's going on?
:'''Zoey''': I don't know.
:'''Quinn''': Quit pushing us!
:'''Lola''': We are citizens!
:'''Coco''': Carl, help!
:'''Carl''': ''[gets up from his seat and stops Maurice]'' Hey! Hey! What's the deal, buddy?
:'''Maurice''': The deal is get out unless you want me to call the police.
:'''Coco''': Make him let go of me.
:'''Carl''': Sorry, baby. I'm on parole. ''[takes his food from the table and leaves the restaurant]''
:'''Coco''': ''[starts to cry]''
:''[Zoey, James, Logan and Michael get up from their seats and confront Maurice]''
:'''James''': Sir, what's the problem here?
:'''Maurice''': Mind your own business.
:'''Zoey''': Don't talk to him like that.
:'''Michael''': And let her go.
:'''Maurice''': Oh. Is she a friend of yours?
:'''Michael''': That's right.
:'''Maurice''': Then all of you out of here! ''[the people at Vacarro get up from their seats and start to argue as the rest of the gang do the same when Maurice tries to throw Coco out of the restaurant]'' Come on, Coco. Get out, Get out, Get out, Coco.
:'''Logan''': Do you know who my father is?
:'''Maurice''': You're never coming in here again. Banned, Coco. Banned.
:'''Man''': Freaks!
:''[while everyone argue, Lola takes a carrot, eats it and smiles]''

== Coffee Cart Ban ==
:'''Michael''': But I just got a new mug!
:'''Dean Rivers''': Then fill it with chowder!
:'''Michael''': Chowder?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:'''Zoey''': Dang it!
:'''Lola''': Who says dang it?
:'''Zoey''': People who grew up in the South?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:'''Zoey''': Everyone! ''(Everyone in Zoey's dorm looks)'' We're about to get busted!
:''(People look worried and shocked)''
:'''Quinn''': Well, don't just stand there!
:'''Lola''': Hide everything!
:''(Everyone starts hiding everything)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:'''Michael''': I told you not to buy those cheap cups! ''(holds up a cardboard box that says &quot;Kups&quot;)'' Don't buy cups with a &quot;K&quot;!
:'''Logan''': They're quality cups!
:'''Michael''': Look around!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:'''Zoey''': Well, none of the kids at PCA think it was fair of you to ban the coffee carts in the first place.
:'''Dean Rivers''': Who asked you?
:'''Zoey:''' You just did.
:'''Dean Rivers''': Don't twist my words. When I ban something from this campus, it's banned! For you, for me, for everyone! ''[looks at Quinn's laser gun]''  And what is this thing? '' [picks it up]''
:'''Quinn''': I wouldn't touch that.
:'''Dean Rivers''': I am the dean of this... ''(accidentally shoots a laser at his cupboard that destroys it)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:''(after Dean Rivers accidentally uses Quinn's laser gun and destroys his cupboard, which reveals a coffee machine)''
:'''Lola''': What is ''that''?
:'''Dean Rivers''': ''(tries to hide it)'' Nothing! Let's forget about this whole thing, dismissed!
:'''Michael''': ''(takes the coffee kettle)'' My goodness.
:'''Quinn''': Is that coffee?
:'''Zoey''': It looks like coffee!
:'''Michael''': It smells like coffee!
:'''Logan''': I am gabberflasted! ''[Everyone looks at him weirdly]'' I AM SHOCKED!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:'''Quinn''': You're not gonna charge me, are you baby?
:'''Logan''': Yes I am.
:'''Quinn''': But, we're, boyfriend and girlfriend.
:'''Logan''': I know but, business is business.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:'''Quinn''': Stop zapping Logan!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:'''Dean Rivers''': I am flabbergasted, flabbergasted! Do you understand me?
:''(Everyone nods their heads &quot;yes&quot;, except Logan who shakes his head &quot;no&quot; )''
:'''Dean Rivers''': What don't you understand, Logan?
:'''Logan''': What flabbergasted means...
:'''Dean Rivers''': It means I am shocked and outraged that you kids would defy PCA rules and run two illegal coffee shops right under my nose! I banned the coffee shops for a reason, and I expect my rules to be respected! Well, what do you have to say? ''(Everyone looks at Zoey)''

== Roller Coaster ==

:'''Physics teacher''': Why do I feel like Quinn is the only one who cares?
:'''Quinn''': Even I don't care...
:'''Physics teacher''': Oh, I'm a boring teacher.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Logan''': ''(unaware that Lola tossed his hamburger into a fountain)'' Didn't I have a hamburger?
:'''Lola''': I'm having fruit!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''???''': Anybody lose a hamburger? I found this in the fountain.
:'''Logan''': Yeah, I...I think that's mine. ''(he squeezes it, and water drips from it, shrugs, and takes a bite of it)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lisa''': I hate seeing you this upset!
:'''Michael''': I'm not upset! I'm happy.
:'''Lisa''': Why?
:'''Michael''': Because...Lola made Logan's earlobe bleed. I enjoy that.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Michael''': ''(grabs Logan by the shirt)'' You told everybody that I'm afraid of roller coasters!
:'''Logan''': Uh, James, I think he's about to kill me. Little help?
:'''James''': Hang on, I'm organizing this playlist.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Zoey''': James, why aren't you doing anything?!
:'''James''': I am. I'm making you a really cool playlist.
:'''Zoey''': Aw.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lola''': Michael!
:'''Quinn''': Stop!
:'''Zoey''': He'll stop.
:'''James''': Yeah, I know. There's a fence. ''(Michael, screaming, runs through the fence and it breaks)''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Coco's cousin''': Remember when I wore the wedding dress and scared the snot out of you?
:'''Michael''': YES. I do. ''(Coco's cousin laughs menacingly)'' Thank you. That's very nice.

==Chasing Zoey==
:'''Quinn''': Ok, what do you think? Am I prom ready? 
:'''Lola''': Yeah... but don't you think that dress is a little too sexy for your date... Dustin?
:'''Quinn''': Dustin's... very mature for his age.
:'''Lola''': ''(sarcastically)'' Yeah, I hear his bedtime got moved up to ''8:15''.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:'''Quinn''': Why couldn't you have broken up with James after the prom?
:'''Lola''': Why did you break up with him at all?
:'''Quinn''': James is awesome.
:'''Zoey''': I know James is awesome, and I know you think I was stupid to break up with him, and maybe you're right, but I did it, and now it's done. ''(Notices the shoes in Quinn's hand that her roommates want her to wear to the prom)'' Oh my God! Those shoes are cute!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:'''Logan''': Can I at least give you an idea of who I'd like to take?
:'''Quinn''': Sure.
:'''Logan''': Do you see those twins over there?
:'''Quinn''': Sure, which one do you want?
:'''Logan''': Both.
:'''Lola''': Quinn, Quinn, Quinn, Quinn, Quinn, Quinn.
:'''Quinn''': What?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:'''Quinn''': You're so irritating sometimes.
:'''Logan''': Wanna go make out?
:'''Quinn''': Yes!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:'''Stacey''': ''Logie'', come on!
:'''Logan''': I'M COMING!!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:'''Logan''': Let's go, Dillson.
:'''Stacey''': Sure thing.... ''Reese''.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:'''Lola''': Just because you broke up with James doesn't mean you have to be the only person at PCA who's not gonna be there.
:'''Quinn''': Lots of people are going dateless.
:'''Lola''': Yeah! Firewire, and uh... Firewire!
:'''Quinn''': That weird Swedish kid that smells like meat!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:'''Mark''': He made me drive his stick-shift!
:'''Michael''': Aw, he graped when he shoulda tuna-ed!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:'''Lola''': So, what do we do now?
:'''Vince''': Follow the nerds!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;


:'''Stacey''': You smell so good, like cinnamon sticks.
:'''Logan''': Uh, thanks.
:'''Stacey''': Let's see if your lips taste like cinnamon sticks. ''(kisses Logan against his will)'' What's wrong?
:'''Logan:''' I DON'T WANNA KISS YOU!
:'''Stacey''': Why wouldn't you wanna kiss me? My lips are moist.
:'''Logan:''' BECAUSE I LOVE QUINN!
:'''Stacey''': Wha-What?
:'''Unknown Guy''': You love Quinn?
:'''Logan''': That's right. ''(Awkward Silence)'' I love Quinn Pensky.
:'''Quinn''': And I love Logan Reese.
:'''Dustin''': You used me?! ''(Dustin Storms out. Logan and Quinn run to each other and kiss)''

:'''Chase''':''(After falling off the building rooftop ledge)'' I'm alright, I'm okay. I just lost my baaaalance! CONCRETE!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:'''Michael''': I know! ''(Turns around to face Chase)'' Chase, she talks perfectly now! ''(Double takes)'' CHASE!
:'''Chase''': MICHAEL!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;

:'''Lola''': Did we miss anything good?
:'''Michael''': Naaah, you didn't miss much.
:'''Chase''': Nothing important.
:'''Lola''': Oh, good, 'cause.... CHASE! (Lola hugs Chase)
:'''Chase''': Give me some love!
:'''Michael''': Let me give you some love!

==External links==
[[Category:Zoey 101 seasons]]
[[Category:American television seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>8twn75pr54aw14uc9a98hy9i3b72vgu</sha1>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Star Wars: Clone Wars (2003 TV series)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>193632</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153584</id>
      <parentid>3152232</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T15:17:06Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2A02:C7C:2C67:500:A4F1:5C1E:A403:FF24</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Chapter 20 [2.10] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="9703" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
{{otherusesof|Star Wars|Star Wars}}

'''''[[w:Star Wars: Clone Wars (2003 TV series)|Star Wars: Clone Wars]]''''' (2003–2005) is an American TV series, which aired on [[w:Cartoon Network|Cartoon Network]], in which it depicts the opening and final battles of the Clone Wars, which leads directly into [[w:Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith|Revenge of the Sith]].

{{tv-stub}}

== Season 1 ==

===''Chapter 1'' [1.01]===
[[File:Galaxymap_p3.jpg|thumb|Like [[fire]], across the galaxy, the Clone Wars spread. In league with the wicked Count Dooku, more and more planets slip. Against this threat, upon the Jedi Knights falls the duty, to lead the army of the Republic. And, as the heat of war grows, so too grows the prowess of one most gifted student of the Force.]]
:'''[[w:Yoda|Yoda]]''': Like fire, across the galaxy, the Clone Wars spread. In league with the wicked Count Dooku, more and more planets slip. Against this threat, upon the Jedi Knights falls the duty, to lead the army of the Republic. And, as the heat of war grows, so too grows the prowess of one most gifted student of the Force.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''[[w:Obi-Wan Kenobi|Obi-Wan Kenobi]]''': The Banking Clan has hidden huge factories on Muunilinst, building huge droid armies and massive warships. We must act quickly.
:'''Chancellor Palpatine''': I agree, but who to send? Master Windu still fights on Dantooine.
:'''Yoda''': Lead the assault, Master Obi-Wan can.
:'''Obi-Wan Kenobi''': My army is ready, Chancellor. We can leave immediately.
:'''Chancellor Palpatine''': Yes, and young Skywalker as well. I suggest that we give him special command of your space forces. His exceptional skill would be quite useful.
:'''Obi-Wan Kenobi''': Chancellor, I feel that Padawan Anakin is not yet ready for such responsibility.
:'''Yoda''': True, with his master, a Padawan's place is. But undeniably strong he has become. Perhaps...
:'''Chancellor Palpatine''': Then, it is decided.

&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''Obi-Wan Kenobi''': ''(thinking)'' I doubt even Master Qui-Gon could have prepared a Jedi for this.

===''Chapter 2'' [1.02]===
:'''Anakin Skywalker''': Master, I know you don't think I'm ready for a command of my own, but I ''am'' the best pilot in the Order. Chancellor Palpatine knows it. I don't know why you can't-- ''[Obi-Wan cuts him off]''
:'''Obi-Wan Kenobi''': Padawan! Your skills have never been in question; it is your maturity. I've argued this before, but the decision has been made. May the Force be with you... Commander.

===''Chapter 4'' [1.04] ===

===''Chapter 5'' [1.05]===
:'''[[w:Yoda|Yoda]]''': Master Fisto, in these matters, trust your insight, we do. May the Force be with you.

===''Chapter 6'' [1.06]===
:'''[[w:Asajj Ventress|Asajj Ventress]]''': The dark side is strong in me, for I am Sith!

===''Chapter 7'' [1.07]===
[[File:Galaxymap_p1.jpg|thumb|A bold claim, but you are not Sith. You wear the trappings of the Sith, you fight like the Sith, but this can be imitated, however. You lack a vital quality found in all Sith. Sith have no [[fear]], and I sense much fear in you.]]
:'''[[w:Count Dooku|Count Dooku]]''': A bold claim, but you are not Sith. You wear the trappings of the Sith, you fight like the Sith, but this can be imitated, however. You lack a vital quality found in all Sith. Sith have no fear, and I sense much fear in you.
:'''Asajj Ventress''': You are a foolish old man who knows nothing of the dark side.
:'''Count Dooku''': Hehehe, indeed. ''[Blasts her with Force Lightning, knocking her unconscious]''

===''Chapter 8'' [1.08]===

===''Chapter 9'' [1.09]===

===''Chapter 10'' [1.10]===

== Season 2 ==

===''Chapter 11'' [2.01]===
:''[Anakin's starship chases the mysterious rogue pilot in the streets of Muunilinst]''
:'''Obi-Wan''': What was that?
:'''ARC Captain''': I don't know, General. ''[the rogue pilot's ship whooshes past Obi-Wan]''
:'''Obi-Wan''': That's not one of ours. 
:'''ARC Captain''': No, General. ''[Anakin's ship whooshes past Obi-Wan]''
:'''Obi-Wan''': That was Anakin!
:'''ARC Captain''': Yes, General.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Obi-Wan talks to Anakin via his communicator]''
:'''Obi-Wan''': You're supposed to be in space leading our forces. ''[Anakin continues pursing the rogue ship high up above]''
:'''Anakin''': It's under control.
:'''Obi-Wan''': &quot;Under control&quot;? I don't think so. Your place is with your squadrons, young one, not-- ''[both ships whoosh down past him]'' Not chasing one ship through the city streets! ''[Anakin fires at the rogue ship but misses]''
:'''Anakin''': Master, this is no droid pilot, ''[the next scene reveals the pilot to be a grinning Asajj Ventress]'' and the Force is with him. I can't let him get away.

===''Chapter 13'' [2.03]===

===''Chapter 14'' [2.04]===
:'''Luminara Unduli''': The crystal is the heart of the blade. The heart is the crystal of the Jedi. The Jedi is the crystal of the Force. The Force is the blade of the heart. All are intertwined. The crystal, the blade... the Jedi. You are one. ''[Barriss activates her completed lightsaber]''
:'''Barriss Offee''': You have taught me well, ''[bows]'' Master Luminara.
:'''Luminara Unduli''': Remember always...
:'''Barriss Offee''': &quot;The crystal is the heart of the blade.&quot;
:'''Luminara Unduli''': Barriss Offee, your training is complete. ''[...]'' Something trespasses on sacred ground. The temple is breached.

===''Chapter 15'' [2.05]===

===''Chapter 16'' [2.06]===

===''Chapter 17'' [2.07]===
:''[Ventress has just killed Anakin's troops and destroyed his ship]''
:'''Anakin Skywalker''': I'm going to make you pay for what you've done!
:'''Asajj Ventress''': Come, Padawan. Your fall will be my ascension to the Sith.

===''Chapter 20'' [2.10]===
[[File:Galaxymap_p2.jpg|thumb|'''''Jedi!''''' You are surrounded. Your armies decimated. Make [[peace]] with the Force now, for this is your final hour. But know that I, General Grievous, am not complete without [[mercy]]. I will grant you a [[warrior]]'s [[death]]. Prepare!]]
:''[Anakin returns to apologise to Obi-Wan for disobeying his orders]''
:'''Anakin Skywalker''': I'm sorry, Master. You were right. It was a trap laid out by the Sith... and I ran headlong into it. But I emerged victorious.
:'''[[w:Obi-Wan Kenobi|Obi-Wan Kenobi]]''': Indeed, but that battle should never have been fought. I find the Sith's interest in you most troublesome. This is precisely why you must follow my orders, young one. Another defiance could lead us into a date-- ''[gets interrupted by a sudden transmission]''
:'''Daakman Barrek''': ''General Kenobi! General Kenobi?!''
:'''Obi-Wan Kenobi''': Yes, Master Barrek.
:'''Daakman Barrek''': ''Need immediate evac from planet Hypori! Our forces are totally destroyed! Only, only a few of us left! New droid general! He's unstoppable! Can't hold out for long! General Grievous is hunting us! Must hurry!'' [Transmission cuts off]
&lt;hr width=50% /&gt;
:'''[[w:General Grievous|General Grievous]]''': '''''Jedi!''''' You are surrounded. Your armies decimated. Make peace with the Force now, for this is your final hour. But know that I, General Grievous, am not complete without mercy. I will grant you a warrior's death. Prepare!

== Season 3 ==

=== ''Chapter 21'' [3.01]===
: '''Grievous''': Run, Jedi, run. You have only prolonged the inevitable.

=== ''Chapter 22'' [3.02]===
[[File:Modimapgalaxy1.jpg|thumb|I wonder how many they'll send. We've got so much firepower in here, these walls are ray-shielded. Heh, they can't take this fort. It'll probably be, uh, fifty Jedi! They'll need at least that many. Or maybe a hundred Jedi! They'll never take this base with less! Heh, they'll need an army of Jedi! Ha-ha-ha...]]
:'''General Oro Dassyne''': I wonder how many they'll send. We've got so much firepower in here, these walls are ray-shielded. Heh, they can't take this fort. It'll probably be, uh, fifty Jedi! They'll need at least that many. Or maybe a hundred Jedi! They'll never take this base with less! Heh, they'll need an army of Jedi! Ha-ha-ha...
:'''Battle Droid''': I have a visual.
:'''Dassyne''': Jedi?
:'''Battle Droid''': I think so.
:'''Dassyne''': How many? A thousand?
:'''Battle Droid''': No.
:'''Dassyne''': Eighty?
:'''Battle Droid''': No, sir.
:'''Dassyne''': What, fifty?
:'''Battle Droid''': Less.
:'''Dassyne''': Forty? Come on! How many?
:'''Battle Droid''': Two.
:'''Dassyne''': What? Gimme those!

=== ''Chapter 23'' [3.03]===

=== ''Chapter 24'' [3.04]===

=== ''Chapter 25'' [3.05]===

== Cast ==
* [[w:Mat Lucas|Mat Lucas]] as Anakin Skywalker
* [[w:James Arnold Taylor|James Arnold Taylor]] as Obi-Wan Kenobi
* [[w:Andre Sogulizzo|Andre Sogulizzo]] as all Clone Troopers and Battle Droids
* [[w:Corey Burton|Corey Burton]] as Count Dooku
* [[w:Nick Jameson|Nick Jameson]] as Chancellor Palpatine/Darth Sidious
* [[w:Grey DeLisle|Grey DeLisle]] as Padme Amidala and Asajj Ventress
* [[w:Tom Kane|Tom Kane]] as Yoda
* [[w:John DiMaggio|John DiMaggio]] as Grievous (Chapter 20)
* [[w:Richard MacGongale|Richard MacGongale]] as Grievous (Chapters 21-25)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|0361243|Star Wars: Clone Wars}}
[[Category:2000s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated action TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated space adventure TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated science fiction TV shows]]
[[Category:Cartoon Network original series]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Star Wars]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:Television programs based on films]]
[[Category:Cartoon Network Studios]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about extraterrestrial life]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Jordan Peterson</title>
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      <comment>/* Biblical Lectures */ fixed typos</comment>
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      <text bytes="74798" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Jordan Peterson by Gage Skidmore.jpg|thumb|Competence can step in where popularity cannot go.]]

'''[[w:Jordan Peterson|Jordan Peterson]]''' (born June 12, 1962) is a clinical psychologist and professor of [[psychology]] at the University of Toronto. He is the author of ''Maps of Meaning: The Architecture of Belief'' (1999), ''12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos'' (2017) and ''[[Beyond Order|Beyond Order: 12 More Rules for Life]]'' (2021).

== Quotes ==  
* [[Proof]] itself, of any sort, is impossible, without an axiom (as [[Kurt Gödel|Gödel]] proved). Thus [[faith]] in [[God]] is a prerequisite for all proof.
** [http://archive.is/khKVm Twitter, November 25, 2013]

* First stop lying, then start speaking the [[truth]].
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=27dshxbbPlg&amp;t=1s &quot;Interview with Dr. Jordan B. Peterson | Free Speech &amp; Social Justice&quot;]

* One of the things that struck me as near miraculous about [[music]], especially in a rather [[Nihilism|nihilistic]] and [[Atheism|atheistic]] society, is that it really does fill the void that was left by the death of [[God]]. And it's partly because you cannot rationally critique music. It speaks to you, it speaks of meaning, and no matter what you say about it, no matter how cynical you are, you cannot put a crowbar underneath that and lift it up and toss it aside.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vhlL7IjaZNI?t=29m55s &quot;Drinking from the firehose with Howard Bloom&quot;]

* Competence can step in where popularity cannot go.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vhlL7IjaZNI &quot;Drinking from the firehose with Howard Bloom&quot;]

=== Podcasts ===
* '''You might think, &quot;Well, compassion is a [[virtue]].&quot; Yes, it's a virtue, but any uni-dimensional virtue immediately becomes a [[vice]], because real virtue is the intermingling of a number of virtues and their integration into a functional identity that can be expressed socially.''' Compassion can be great if you happen to be the entity towards which it is directed. But compassion tends to divide the world into crying children and predatory snakes. So if you're a crying child—hey, great. But if you happen to be identified as one of the predatory snakes, you better look the hell out. Compassion is what the mother grizzly bear feels for her cubs while she eats you because you got in the way.
:* [https://www.jordanbpeterson.com/podcast/episode-16/ &quot;#16 – An Incendiary Discussion at Ryerson U&quot;]

* The [[future]] is the place of all potential monsters.
** [https://www.jordanbpeterson.com/podcast/episode-36/ The Jordan B. Peterson Podcast #35 (@1:51:22)]

* You should be able to do things that you wouldn't do. That's the definition of a genuinely moral person. They ''could'' do it, but they don't.
** [https://www.jordanbpeterson.com/podcast/episode-36/ The Jordan B. Peterson Podcast #36 (@2:32:37)]

* I would say with regard to critical thought, and to some degree with regard to productive thought, an indeterminate proportion of that is dependent on speech. I don't think it's unreasonable to point out that thought is internalized speech. And that the dialectical process that constitutes critical thinking is internalized speech. […] The quality of our thoughts is actually dependent on our ability to speak our minds.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aoH1g5GYhPw&amp;t=23m53s Free Speech and the Satirical Activist | Andrew Doyle | The Jordan B. Peterson Podcast - S4: E32] (at 23m53s), ''The Jordan B. Peterson Podcast'', 21 June 2021

* The [[truth]] is something that burns—it burns off deadwood, and people don't like having their deadwood burnt off, often because they're 95% deadwood.
** [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=USg3NR76XpQ&amp;t=90m10s &quot;Joe Rogan Experience #958 – Jordan Peterson&quot;]

=== Lectures ===
* Why do dragons hoard gold? Because the things you most need is always to be found where you least want to look.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=REjUkEj1O_0 &quot;Slaying the Dragon Within Us&quot;]

* I regard [[free speech]] as a prerequisite to a civilized society, because freedom of speech means that you can have combat with words. That's what it means. It doesn't mean that people can happily and gently exchange opinions. It means that we can engage in combat with words, in the battleground of ideas. And the reason that that's acceptable, and why it's acceptable that people's feelings get hurt during that combat, is that the combat of ideas is far preferable to actual combat.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Us979jCjHu8 &quot;2017 Maps of Meaning 03: Marionettes and Individuals (Part 2)&quot;]

* '''You can kill people with [[compassion]].''' That's the [[Sigmund Freud|Freudian]] Oedipal situation. Think about working in a nursing home. There's a rule of thumb that we can use as a guide when interacting with people in general. It is this: Do not do anything for anyone that they can do themselves. You just steal it from them. Imagine that you're working with elderly people. It might be easier to do something for them than to let them struggle through it. But you just speed their demise by taking away their last vestiges of independence. People do the same thing with kids. The answer is: struggle through it.
** [https://youtube/Us979jCjHu8?t=7155 &quot;2017 Maps of Meaning 03: Marionettes and Individuals (Part 2)&quot;]

* The kids are starting to burn this place and to trash it. They're dragging a grand piano down the stairs. It's the destruction of [[high culture]], about which they're nothing but cynical, because they don't believe that hard work and [[sacrifice]] can produce something of any value. They want to bring it down and destroy it.
:You can see it in the story of Cain and Abel. Abel is hard working and everyone likes him, and he makes the proper sacrifices, so his life goes really well. And that's part of the reason that Cain hates him. He's jealous and resentful, but worse than that—if you're not doing very well and you're around someone who is doing very well it's painful, because the mere fact of their Being judges you.
:And so it's very easy to want to destroy that ideal so that you don't have to live with the terrible consequences of seeing it embodied in front of you. And so part of the reason that people want to tear things down is so that they don't have anything to contrast themselves against and to feel bad. And that's exactly what's happening here. Kids are destroying all of this culture, because the fact that it exists judges them.
:* [https://youtube/bV16NEWld8Q?t=3295 &quot;2017 Maps of Meaning 04: Marionettes and Individuals (Part 3)&quot;]

* Do you want to be what you are or do you want to be what continually changes what you are?
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T4fjSrVCDvA &quot;2017 Maps of Meaning 11: The Flood and the Tower&quot;]

* You can't have the conversation about [[right]]s without the conversation about [[responsibility]], because ''your'' rights are ''my'' responsibility. That's what they are, technically, so you just can't have only half of that discussion. And we're only having half of that discussion. Then the question is, &quot;Well, what are you leaving out if you're only having that half of the discussion?&quot; And the answer is, &quot;Well, you're leaving out responsibility.&quot; And then the question is, &quot;Well, what are you leaving out if you're leaving out responsibility?&quot; And the answer might be: &quot;Well, maybe you're leaving out the meaning of life.&quot;
: Here you are, suffering away. What makes it worthwhile? Rights? It's almost impossible to describe how bad an idea that is. Responsibility: that's what gives life meaning. Lift a load. Then you can tolerate yourself. Look at yourself: you're useless, easily hurt, easily killed. Why should you have any self-respect? Pick something up and carry it. Make it heavy enough so that you can think, yah, well, useless as I am, at least I can move that from there to there.
: For men, there's nothing but responsibility. Women have their sets of responsibilities: they're not the same. Women have to take primary responsibility for ''having'' infants, at least, and also for caring for them. They're structured differently than men for biological necessity. Women know what they have to do; men have to figure out what they have to do. And if they have nothing worth living for, then they stay [[Peter Pan]]—and why the hell not? The alternative to valued responsibility is impulsive, low-class pleasure. Why lift a load if there's nothing in it for you?
: And that's what we're doing to men and boys that's a very bad idea. &quot;You're pathological and oppressive.&quot; &quot;Fine, then! Why the hell am I going to play? If I get no credit for bearing responsibility, then you can be sure I won't bear any.&quot; But then your life is useless and meaningless, and you're full of self-contempt and nihilism, and that's not good. And so that's what I think is going on at a deeper level with regard to men needing this direction. A man has to decide that he's going to do something: he has to decide that.
:* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T4fjSrVCDvA &quot;2017 Maps of Meaning 11: The Flood and the Tower&quot;]

* It's so interesting to watch the young men when you talk to them about responsibility. They're so goddamned thrilled about it. It just blows me away. It's like, &quot;Really?!&quot; That's the [[counterculture]]: Grow the hell up and do something useful! &quot;Really? I can do that? Oh, I'm so excited by that idea! No one ever mentioned that before!&quot; It's like, &quot;Rights, rights, rights, rights…&quot; Jesus! It's appalling. People have had enough of that. And they better have, because it's a non-productive mode of being. Responsibility, man: that's where the meaning in life is.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T4fjSrVCDvA &quot;2017 Maps of Meaning 11: The Flood and the Tower&quot;]

* '''The thing that's so interesting about being alive is that you're all in. No matter what you do you're all in; this is gonna kill you. So I think you might as well play the most magnificent game you can while you're waiting—because, do you have anything better to do, really?'''
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6V1eMvGGcXQ&amp;t=0s &quot;2017 Maps of Meaning 12: Final: The Divinity of the Individual&quot;]

[[File:Jordan Peterson.jpg|thumb|If you are not capable of cruelty, then you are absolutely a victim of anyone who is.]]
* '''If you are not capable of cruelty, then you are absolutely a victim of anyone who is.''' For those who are exceedingly agreeable, there is a part of them crying out for the incorporation of the monster within them, which is what gives them strength of character and self-respect, because '''it is impossible to respect yourself until you grow teeth.''' And if you grow teeth, you realize that you're somewhat dangerous, or seriously dangerous. Then you might be more willing to demand that you treat yourself with respect and that other people do the same thing.
: That doesn't mean that being cruel is better than not being cruel. What it means is that '''being able to be cruel, and then not being cruel, is better than not being able to be cruel, because in the first case you're nothing but weak and naïve, and in the second case you're dangerous but you have it under control.''' If you're competent at fighting, it actually decreases the probability that you're going to have to fight, because when someone pushes you you'll be able to respond with confidence, and with any luck a reasonable show of confidence, which is a show of dominance, will be enough to make the bully back off.
:* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wLc_MC7NQek&amp;t=0s &quot;2017 Personality 04/05: Heroic and Shamanic Initiations&quot;]

* Here's how you can tell someone is your friend: A) You can tell them bad news, and they'll listen. B) You can tell them good news, and they'll help you celebrate.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q7GKmznaqsQ &quot;2017 Personality 21: Performance Prediction&quot;]

* People camouflage against the herd. People aren't after happiness, they're after not hurting.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q7GKmznaqsQ &quot;2017 Personality 21: Performance Prediction&quot;]

* [[Life]] is suffering. &lt;br&gt; [[Love]] is the desire to see unnecessary suffering ameliorated. &lt;br&gt; [[Truth]] is the handmaiden of love. &lt;br&gt; [[Conversation|Dialogue]] is the pathway to truth. &lt;br&gt; [[Humility]] is recognition of personal insufficiency and the willingness to learn. &lt;br&gt; To learn is to die voluntarily and be born again, in great ways and small. &lt;br&gt; So speech must be untrammeled, so that dialogue can take place, &lt;br&gt; so that we can all humbly learn, &lt;br&gt; so that truth can serve love, &lt;br&gt; so that suffering can be ameliorated, &lt;br&gt; so that we can all stumble forward to the Kingdom of God﻿.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKHuxVvA7T8 &quot;Banned lecture at Linfield College: Ethics and Free Speech&quot;]

==== Biblical Lectures ====
[[File:Jordan Peterson (28058501817).jpg|thumb|322x322px|One of the things [[Carl Jung|Jung]] said is that everybody acts out a [[myth]], but very few people know what their myth is, and you should know what your myth is, because it might be a [[tragedy]], and maybe you don't want it to be.]]
* One of the things [[Carl Jung|Jung]] said is that everybody acts out a [[myth]], but very few people know what their myth is, and you should know what your myth is, because it might be a [[tragedy]], and maybe you don't want it to be.
** {{citation|title=&quot;Biblical Series I: Introduction to the Idea of God&quot;|date=20 May 2017|publisher=YouTube|url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f-wWBGo6a2w}}

* To know that the biblical stories have a phenomenological truth is really worth knowing, because the poor fundamentalists are trying to cling to their moral structure and I understand why, because it does organize their societies and it organizes their psyches so they've got something to cling to. But they don't have a very sophisticated idea of the complexity of the idea of what constitutes truth, and they try to gerrymander the biblical stories into the domain of scientific theory, promoting [[Creationism]], for example, as an alternative scientific theory. That just isn't going to go anywhere, because the people who wrote these damn stories weren't scientists to begin with. There weren't any scientists back then. There's hardly any scientists now! Really, it's hard to think scientifically. Even scientists don't think scientifically outside the lab, and hardly even when they're in the lab. You've got to get peer-reviewed and criticized. It's hard to think scientifically.
:So, however, the people who wrote these stories thought more like dramatists think, like [[Shakespeare]] thought. But that doesn't mean that there isn't truth in it; it just means you have to be a little more sophisticated about your ideas about truth. And that's okay. There are truths to live by. Okay, fine—then we need to figure out what those are, because we need to live and maybe not to suffer so much. And so if you know that the Bible stories in general are trying to represent the lived experience of conscious individuals, then that opens up the possibility of a whole different realm of understanding and eliminates the contradiction that's been painful for people between the objective world and the claims of religious stories.
:* {{citation|title=&quot;Biblical Series I: Introduction to the Idea of God&quot;|date=20 May 2017|publisher=YouTube|url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f-wWBGo6a2w&amp;feature=youtu.be&amp;t=5480}}

* I know that the evidence for genuine religious experience is incontrovertible, but it's not explicable. So I don't want to explain it away. I want to pull back from that and leave it as a fact and a mystery, and then we're going to look at this from a rational perspective, and say that the initial formulation of the idea of God was an attempt to abstract out the ideal and to consider it as an abstraction outside its instantiation. And that's good enough. It's an amazing thing if it's true. But I don't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f-wWBGo6a2w &quot;Biblical Series I: Introduction to the Idea of God&quot;]

* The way that we behave contains way more information than we know. And part of the dream that surrounds our articulated knowledge has been extracted as a consequence of us watching each other behave, and telling stories about it over thousands and thousands and thousands of years, extracting out patterns of behavior that characterize humanity, and trying to represent them party through imitations but also through [[drama]], [[mythology]], [[literature]], and [[art]], and all of that, to represent what we're like so we can understand what we're like. That process of understanding is what we see unfolding, at least in part, in the [[the Bible|Biblical stories]]. It's halting and partial and awkward and contradictory and all of that, which is one of the things that makes it so complex, but I see in it the struggle of humanity to rise above its animal forebears and to become conscious of what it means to be human, and that's a very difficult thing.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f-wWBGo6a2w &quot;Biblical Series I: Introduction to the Idea of God&quot;]

* Everyone woke up and said, or thought, something like, &quot;How is it that we came to believe any of this?&quot; It’s like waking up one day and noting that you really don’t know why you put a [[Christmas]] tree up, but you’ve been doing it for a long time, and that’s what people do. There are reasons Christmas trees came about. The [[ritual]] lasts long after the reasons have been forgotten.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f-wWBGo6a2w &quot;Biblical Series I: Introduction to the Idea of God&quot;]

* A good work of fiction is more real than the stories from which it was derived. Otherwise it has no staying power. It's distilled reality. And some would say &quot;it never happened,&quot; but it depends on what you mean by &quot;happened.&quot; If it's a pattern that repeats in many, many places, with variation, you can abstract out the central pattern. So the pattern never purely existed in any specific form, but the fact that you pulled a pattern out from all those exemplars means that you've extracted something real. I think the reason that the story of [[Adam and Eve]] has been immune to being forgotten is because it says things about the nature of the human condition that are always true.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdrLQ7DpiWs &quot;Biblical Series II: Genesis 1: Chaos &amp; Order&quot;]

* You plunge into that underworld space, and that's also where you begin to nurse feelings of resentment and aggrievement and murder and homicide—and even worse. If people are betrayed enough, they become obsessed with the futility of Being itself, and they go to places where perhaps no one would ever want to go if they were in their right mind. And they begin to nurse fantasies of the ultimate revenge, and that's a horrible place to be. That's hell. That's why hell has always been a suburb of the underworld, because if you get plunged into a situation that you don't understand, and things are not good for you anymore, it's only one step from being completely confused, to being completely outraged and resentful, and then it's only one step from there to really looking for revenge.
: And that can take you places—well, that merely to imagine properly can be traumatic. And I've seen that with people many times. And I think that anybody who uses their imagination on themselves can see how that happens, because I can't imagine that there is a single person in the room who hasn't nursed fairly intense fantasies of revenge, at least at one point in their life—and usually for what appear to be good reasons. It can shake your [[faith]] in Being to be betrayed, but if it shakes it so badly that you turn against Being itself, that's certainly no solution. All it does is make everything that's bad even worse.
:* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdrLQ7DpiWs &quot;Biblical Series II: Genesis 1: Chaos &amp; Order&quot;]

* [[Dante]] was trying to get to the bottom of what constitutes [[evil]]. There's a hierarchy of reprehensible behavior, and Dante thought it was [[betrayal]]. And I think that's right, because I believe the fundamental human resource is [[trust]].
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdrLQ7DpiWs &quot;Biblical Series II: Genesis 1: Chaos &amp; Order&quot;]

* What happens in the story of [[Adam and Eve]] is that when people become self-conscious, they get thrown out of [[Paradise]] and then they're in [[history]]. And history is a place where there's pain in childbirth, and where you're dominated by your mate, and where you have to toil like mad like no other animal because you're aware of your future. You have to work, and sacrifice the joys of the present for the future, constantly, and you know that you're going to die. And you have all that weight on you. How could anything be more true than that? Unless you're naïve beyond comprehension. There's something that's echoed about your life in that representation. '''We're such strange creatures, because we don't really fit into Being in some sense, and that's what's expressed in the notion of The Fall.'''
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdrLQ7DpiWs &quot;Biblical Series II: Genesis 1: Chaos &amp; Order&quot;]

* There's no difference between the conquering of the unknown and the creation of habitable order.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdrLQ7DpiWs &quot;Biblical Series II: Genesis 1: Chaos &amp; Order&quot;]

* Most of the adventure genre is about how there is some enemy that's lurking, and someone rises up to confront it and maintain order. There's no getting away from that story.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdrLQ7DpiWs &quot;Biblical Series II: Genesis 1: Chaos &amp; Order&quot;]

* Something that's everything lacks limitation. There are advantages to not being able to do things. If you had everything you wanted at every moment at your fingertips, then there's nothing. There's no story. It's like [[Superman]] being able to bounces [[hydrogen bomb]]s off of him. The whole series died because he didn't have any flaws. There's no story without limitation.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdrLQ7DpiWs &quot;Biblical Series II: Genesis 1: Chaos &amp; Order&quot;]

* The proper path of life is to take the [[tradition]] and [[spirit]] that is associated with consciousness as such, and to act it out in your own personal life in a way that is analogous with the way [[Jesus Christ|Christ]] acted it out in his life. What that means, in part, is the acceptance of the tragic preconditions of existence. That's partly betrayal by friends and by family and by the state, it's partly punishment for sins that you did not commit (the arbitrary nature of justice), and the fact of finitude. Your [[duty]], and the way to set things right in the cosmos, is to accept all those details as necessary preconditions for being and to act virtuously despite all that. That's a very, very powerful idea.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdrLQ7DpiWs &quot;Biblical Series II: Genesis 1: Chaos &amp; Order&quot;]

* Without the support of your father—practically and metaphorically—without that behind you, without the knowledge of you as both a biological and cultural creature, without that depth of knowledge, you don't have the [[courage]] to do it, because you don't know what you are or what you could be. You're a historical creature, so you need all this collected [[wisdom]], and all this dream-like information, and all this [[mythology]] and all this narrative, to inform you about what you are beyond what you see of yourself.
: You're pummeled down, and people pick on you, and there's 50 things about you that are horrible, and you have a self-esteem problem, and you're sort of hunched over—you've got all these problems, and so it's not easy to see the [[divinity]] that lurks behind that. Unless you're aware of the heroic stories of the past—the [[metaphysics]] of consciousness—I don't think you can have the courage that regards yourself as the sort of creature that can stand up underneath that intense existential burden and move forward in courage and grace.
:* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdrLQ7DpiWs &quot;Biblical Series II: Genesis 1: Chaos &amp; Order&quot;]

* It's an open question, the degree to which the cosmos would order itself around you properly if you got yourself together as much as you could get yourself together. We know that things can go very badly wrong if you do things very badly wrong—there's no doubt about that. But the converse is also true. If you start to sort yourself out properly, and if you have beneficial effect on your family, first of all that's going to echo down the generations, but it also spreads out into the community. And we are networked together; we're not associated linearly; we all effect each other.
: So it's an open question, the degree to which acting out the notion that Being is good, and the notion that you can accept its limitations and that you should still strive for [[virtue]]. I don't think we know the limits of virtue. I don't think we know what true virtue could bring about, if we aimed at it carefully and practically. So the notion that there is something divine about the individual who accepts the conditions of existence and still strives for the good—I think that's an idea that's very much worth paying attention to. And I think the fact that people considered that idea seriously for at least 2000 years indicates that there's at least something to be thought about there.
:* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdrLQ7DpiWs &quot;Biblical Series II: Genesis 1: Chaos &amp; Order&quot;]

* If [[religion]] was &quot;the opium of the masses,&quot; then [[communism]] was the methamphetamine of the masses. 
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R_GPAl_q2QQ &quot;Biblical Series III: God and the Hierarchy of Authority&quot;]
** Commenting on a famous quote by [[Karl Marx]].

* The eternal [[dragon]] is always giving our fallen-down castles a rough time—always.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R_GPAl_q2QQ &quot;Biblical Series III: God and the Hierarchy of Authority&quot;]

* Our ideas emerged out of the ground of our action over thousands and thousands of years. And when philosophers were putting forth those ideas, what they were doing wasn't generating creative ideas—they were just telling the story of humanity. It's already there. It's already in us. It's already in our patterns of behavior.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R_GPAl_q2QQ &quot;Biblical Series III: God and the Hierarchy of Authority&quot;]

* The [[dragon]] is the imagistic representation of the functional category of predator. It's like this: If you're a monkey, then a bird will pick you off, like an eagle. That's the wings. If it wasn't an eagle, then it was a cat (dragon claws), because they climb trees and give you a good chomping. And if it wasn't a cat, then you go down to the ground and a snake would get you, or maybe the snake would climb up the tree. So a dragon is a cat-snake-bird. And that's the thing that you really want to avoid. And the other thing is that it breathes [[fire]], which is interesting because fire was both greatest friend and greatest enemy of humanity.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R_GPAl_q2QQ &quot;Biblical Series III: God and the Hierarchy of Authority&quot;]

* St. George is the hero who goes out to confront the dragon, and he frees the virgin from its grasp. I would say that's a pretty straightforward story about the sexual attractiveness of the masculine spirit that's willing to forthrightly encounter the unknown. It is a straight biological representation to me, and it's a really, really old story. It's the oldest written story we have, and it's basically the ancient Mesopotamian creation myth, the Enuma Elish, which basically plays out that story. You've seen this story played out a hundred different ways, and you never get tired of it, because it's the central story of mankind.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R_GPAl_q2QQ &quot;Biblical Series III: God and the Hierarchy of Authority&quot;]

* Embodied imitation and dramatic abstraction constituted the ground out of which higher abstract cognition emerged. How else could it be? Clearly we were mostly bodies before we were minds. Clearly. And so we were acting out things way before we understood them.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R_GPAl_q2QQ &quot;Biblical Series III: God and the Hierarchy of Authority&quot;]

* And then [[Snow White]] has to wait for the Prince to come rescue her, and you think: &quot;How sexist can you get, that story?&quot; Well, seriously, because that's the way that that would be read in the modern world, like, &quot;She doesn't need a prince to come rescue her.&quot; That's why Disney made [[Frozen (2013 film)|''Frozen'']], that absolutely appalling piece of rubbish.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ifi5KkXig3s&amp;t=5001s &quot;Biblical Series IV: Adam and Eve: Self-Consciousness, Evil, and Death&quot;]

* The Bible is a collective attempt by humanity to solve the deepest problems that we have. The deepest of all problems that we have is the problem of [[self-consciousness]]. The unique predicament of human beings is that we are self-conscious. Not only is it true that we are mortal and that we die, but most crucial is the reality that we know we will die.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ifi5KkXig3s &quot;Biblical Series IV: Adam and Eve: Self-Consciousness, Evil, and Death&quot;]

* There's an insistence that the Being that's spoken into being through [[truth]] is good. This is the most profound idea ever. It is also the most believable idea ever. What cures in therapy is truth. Of course, you must encounter the things that you're afraid of, but this is enacted truth, because if you know that there's something you need to do by your own set of rules and you're avoiding it, then you're enacting a lie. You're not speaking the lie, but you're enacting it, and that's the same thing: untruth.
:If I can get you to face what it is that you know you shouldn't be avoiding, then what's happening is that we're both partaking in the process of you attempting to act out your deepest truth. That improves people's lives radically. The clinical evidence for that is overwhelming. We know that if you expose people to the things that they're afraid of and are avoiding, they get better. You have to do it carefully, cautiously, and with their approval and participation. Of all the things that clinicians have established that's credible, that's #1. It's redemptive insofar as both people are telling the truth.
:The difference between deception and repression is very small. People can handle earthquakes and cancer and even death, but they can't handle deception. They can't handle the rug being pulled out from underneath them by people who they love and trust. This does them in. It makes them ill, it hurts them psycho-physiologically, and worse than that it makes them cynical, bitter, vicious, and resentful. And then they also start to act all that out in the world, and that makes it worse.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ifi5KkXig3s &quot;Biblical Series IV: Adam and Eve: Self-Consciousness, Evil, and Death&quot;]

* To come up with the idea that you can bargain with the future is ''the'' major idea of humankind. We suffer. What do we do about it? We figure out how to bargain with the future. And we minimize suffering in that manner.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ifi5KkXig3s &quot;Biblical Series IV: Adam and Eve: Self-Consciousness, Evil, and Death&quot;]

[[File:Peterson Lecture (33522701146).png|thumb|Your values have to be hierarchically organized with something absolute at the top, because otherwise they do nothing but war.]]
* '''Your values have to be hierarchically organized with something absolute at the top, because otherwise they do nothing but war.''' This is true if you're an individual and it's true if you're a state. If you don't know what the next thing you should do is, then there are 50 things you should do. Then, how are you doing to do any of them? You can't. You have to prioritize. Something has to be above something else. It has to be arranged in a hierarchy for it not to be chaotic, so there is some principle at the top of the hierarchy.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ifi5KkXig3s &quot;Biblical Series IV: Adam and Eve: Self-Consciousness, Evil, and Death&quot;]

* [[Carl Jung|Jung]] said that science is nested in a [[dream]]. The dream is that if we investigated the structures of material reality with sufficient attention and truth, we could then learn enough about material reality to then alleviate suffering—to produce the [[philosopher's stone]], to make everybody wealthy, to make everybody healthy, to make everyone live as long as they wanted to live or perhaps forever. That's the goal—to alleviate the catastrophe of existence.
: The idea that the solutions to the mysteries of life enable us to develop such a substance, or multitude of substances, provided the motive force for the development of science. Jung traced that development of the motive force to over the period of 1,000 years. Jung went back into alchemical texts and interpreted them as if they were the dream upon which science was founded. [[Isaac Newton|Newton]] was an alchemist, by the way. Science did emerge out of alchemy. The question is, What were the alchemists up to? They were trying to produce the philosopher's stone, which was the universal medicament for mankind's pathology.
:* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ifi5KkXig3s &quot;Biblical Series IV: Adam and Eve: Self-Consciousness, Evil, and Death&quot;]

* The lion lying down with the lamb is the idea that is either projected back in time, saying that there was a time, or maybe that there will be a time, when the horrors of life are no longer necessary for life itself to exist. And the horrors of life are, of course, that everything eats everything else, and that everything dies, and that everything is born, and that the whole place is a charnel house. It's a catastrophe from beginning to end.&lt;br /&gt;This is the vision of it being other than that. There's a strong idea that human beings can interact with reality in such a way that the tragic and evil elements of it can be mitigated, so that we can move closer to a state of being where we have the benefits of existence without the catastrophe that seems to go along with it.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ifi5KkXig3s &quot;Biblical Series IV: Adam and Eve: Self-Consciousness, Evil, and Death&quot;]

* The idea that [[paradise]], the proper habitat of a human being, is a walled garden is a good one. It's an echo back to the chaos/order idea. Walls: culture. Garden: nature. The proper human habitat is a properly tended garden.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ifi5KkXig3s &quot;Biblical Series IV: Adam and Eve: Self-Consciousness, Evil, and Death&quot;]

[[File:Jordan Peterson (41117546310).jpg|thumb|A thing isn't quite real until you name it.]]
* '''A thing isn't quite real until you name it.'''
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ifi5KkXig3s &quot;Biblical Series IV: Adam and Eve: Self-Consciousness, Evil, and Death&quot;]

* Without that forward-going, courageous consciousness, a [[woman]] herself will drift into unconsciousness and terror. It's the sleep of the naïve and damned. She needs to wake herself up and bring her own masculine consciousness into the forefront so she can survive in the world. Unless woman is taken out of man, then she isn't a human being—she's just a creature.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ifi5KkXig3s &quot;Biblical Series IV: Adam and Eve: Self-Consciousness, Evil, and Death&quot;]

* Snake predation was no joke. It shaped our evolutionary past. We're attuned to snakes. We are really good at detecting the camouflage pattern of snakes in the lower half of our visual field. There's evidence that the reason human beings have such acute vision—which means that our eyes were opened—is that we co-evolved with snakes and we learned how to see them. And then the price we paid for seeing was that our brain grew, because you need a lot of brainpower to see. And the consequence of our brain growing was that one day we woke up and discovered the future. And the future is where all the snakes might live instead of where they live right now. I already made the case that there's a tight link between what you eat and information—conceptual link as well as a practical link. But it's also the case that we can see colors. The question is: Why? The answer is: We evolved to see ripe fruit. In the story of [[Adam and Eve]] human beings are given vision by the snake and the fruit. That turns out to be correct.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ifi5KkXig3s &quot;Biblical Series IV: Adam and Eve: Self-Consciousness, Evil, and Death&quot;]

* The woman offers the man fruit. Maybe that's how our female ancestors enticed males to join them in caring for offspring: &quot;I'll offer you food, and in response we're going to make a team. That's the deal.&quot; And that's the human deal. That's why we're more or less monogamous and why we more or less pair-bond, and why something approximating [[marriage]] is a human universal. You can find exceptions, but who cares? Look at the vast pattern.
: The price we pay for having very large brains is that we're very dependent, and it takes a long time for us to get programmed, and because of that we need relatively stable family bonding, and that's basically what we've evolved. You don't get that without making males self-conscious. Why not impregnate and run? It's not &quot;Why do men abandon their children?&quot; that's the mystery. It's &quot;Why do any men ever stick with them?&quot; Just look at the animal kingdom. The simple and easiest thing is always the most likely thing to occur. It's the exception—the long-term commitment—that needs explanation.
:* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ifi5KkXig3s &quot;Biblical Series IV: Adam and Eve: Self-Consciousness, Evil, and Death&quot;]

* Women are attracted to men's ability to generate, to be productive, and to share. These qualities transcend wealth, which can disappear.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ifi5KkXig3s &quot;Biblical Series IV: Adam and Eve: Self-Consciousness, Evil, and Death&quot;]

* What do people do that animals don't? [[Work]]. What does work mean? It means you sacrifice the present for the future. Why do you do that? Because you know that you're vulnerable, and because you're awake. From here on in, from this point forward, there's no return to unconscious [[paradise]]. I don't care how many problems you've solved so that today's okay. You have a lot of problems coming up. No matter how much you work, you're never going to work enough to solve all the problems. All you're going to do from here on in is to be terrified of the future. That's the price of waking up. It's the end of paradise, and that's the beginning of [[history]].
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ifi5KkXig3s &quot;Biblical Series IV: Adam and Eve: Self-Consciousness, Evil, and Death&quot;]

* The selection pressure that women placed on men developed the entire species. There's two things that happened. The men competed for [[competence]], since the male hierarchy is a mechanism that pushes the best men to the top. The effect of that is multiplied by the fact that women who are hypergamous peel from the top. And so the males who are the most competent are much more likely to leave offspring—which seems to have driven cortical expansion.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ifi5KkXig3s &quot;Biblical Series IV: Adam and Eve: Self-Consciousness, Evil, and Death&quot;]

* The [[intellect]] is the most incredible human capacity. It is the highest of all human capacities, actually. However, it is also the thing that can go most terribly wrong, because the intellect can become arrogant about its own existence and its accomplishments, and it can fall in love with its own products. That's what happens with ideologies. You become obsessed with a human-constructed dogma of which you believe is 100% right, and it eradicates the necessity of anything transcendent.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ifi5KkXig3s &quot;Biblical Series IV: Adam and Eve: Self-Consciousness, Evil, and Death&quot;]

* [[The Bible]] presents a cataclysm at the beginning of time, which is the emergence of self-consciousness in human beings, which puts a rift in the structure of Being. That's the right way to think about it. That's given cosmic significance. You can dispense with that and say that nothing that happens to human beings is of cosmic significance, that we're these short lived, mold-like entities that are like cancers on this tiny little planet, rotating out in the middle of nowhere on the edge of some unknown galaxy in the middle of infinite space, and nothing that happens to us matters.
: This is not a road that you can walk down and live well. For all intents and purposes, it's untrue. If fact, if you really walk down that road, and you take it really seriously, you end up not living at all. The kind of conclusions suicidal people draw about the utility of life, prior to wishing for its cessation, are very much like the conclusions that you draw if you walk down that particular line of reasoning long enough.
:* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ifi5KkXig3s &quot;Biblical Series IV: Adam and Eve: Self-Consciousness, Evil, and Death&quot;]

* The idea is that you could sacrifice something of value, and that would have transcendent utility. That is by no means an unsophisticated idea. In fact, it might be the greatest idea that human beings ever came up with.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=44f3mxcsI50 &quot;Bible Series V: Cain and Abel: The Hostile Brothers&quot;]

* If the mother doesn't make the sacrifice, then you get the horrible Oedipal situation in the household, which is its own catastrophic hell. If the maternal sacrifice isn't there, then that doesn't work. If the paternal sacrifice isn't there, if the father isn't willing to put his son out into the world, then that's a non-starter because the kid doesn't grow up. And if the son isn't willing to do that, then who the hell is going to shoulder the responsibility? So if those three things don't happen, it's chaos, it's cataclysmic, it's hell.
: If they do happen—is it the opposite of that? Well, maybe you could say it depends on the degree to which they happen. And it's a continuum. How thoroughly can they happen? Well, we don't know, because you might say, &quot;How good of a job do you do of encouraging your children to live in truth?&quot; Well, that's part of the answer to this question. And the answer likely is that you don't do as good a job of it as you could. So it works out quite well, but you don't know how well it could work if you did it really well, or spectacularly well, or ultimately well or something like that. You don't know.
:* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=44f3mxcsI50 &quot;Bible Series V: Cain and Abel: The Hostile Brothers&quot;]

* [[Mary, mother of Jesus|Mary]] is the Great Mother. She is the Mother. That's what Mary is. Whether she existed or not is not the point. She exists at least as a hyper-reality. She exists as the Mother. What's the sacrifice of the Mother? That's easy: If you're a mother who's worth her salt, you offer your son to be destroyed by the world. That's what you do. And that's what's going to happen. He's going to be born, he's going to suffer, he's going to have his trouble in life, he's going to have his illnesses, he's going to face his failures and catastrophes, and he's going to die. That's what's going to happen, and if you're awake you know that, and then you say, &quot;Well, perhaps he will live in a way that will justify that.&quot; And then you try to have that happen. And that's what makes you worthy of a statue like the Pieta.
: &quot;Is it right to bring a baby into this terrible world?&quot; Well, every woman asks herself that question. Some say no, and they have their reasons. Mary answers 'yes' voluntarily. Mary is the archetype of the woman who answers yes to life voluntarily. Not because she is blind. She knows what's going to happen. So she's the archetypal representation of the woman who says yes to life knowing full well what life is.
:* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=44f3mxcsI50 &quot;Bible Series V: Cain and Abel: The Hostile Brothers&quot;]

=== Books ===
==== ''[[w:Maps of Meaning|Maps of Meaning]]'' (1999) ====
* Of course, my [[Socialism|socialist]] colleagues and I weren’t out to hurt anyone. Quite the reverse. We were out to improve things—but we were going to start with other people. I came to see the temptation in this logic, the obvious flaw, the danger—but could also see that it did not exclusively characterize socialism. Anyone who was out to change the world by changing others was to be regarded with suspicion. The temptations of such a position were too great to be resisted.
** p. xiii

* Behavior is imitated, then abstracted into [[play]], formalized into [[drama]] and [[story]], crystallized into [[myth]] and codified into [[religion]]—and only then criticized in [[philosophy]], and provided, ''post-hoc'', with rational underpinnings.
** p. 78

* Every explorer is therefore, by necessity, a revolutionary, and every ''successful'' revolutionary is a peacemaker.
** p. 179

[[File:Jordan Peterson (41117539520).jpg|thumb|It took untold generations to get you where you are. A little gratitude might be in order. If you’re going to insist on bending the world to your way, you better have your reasons.]]

==== ''[[w:12 Rules for Life|12 Rules for Life]]'' (2017) ====
* We require routine and tradition. That’s order. Order can become excessive, and that’s not good, but chaos can swamp us, so we drown—and that is also not good. '''We need to stay on the straight and narrow path.'''
** p. xxxiv

* When the [[aristocracy]] catches a cold, as it is said, the working class dies of pneumonia.
** p. 4

* If you ''can'' bite, you generally don't ''have to''.
** p. 23

* To stand up straight with your shoulders back is to accept the terrible [[responsibility]] of life, with eyes wide open. It means deciding to voluntarily transform the chaos of potential into the realities of habitable order. It means adopting the burden of self-conscious vulnerability, and accepting the end of the unconscious paradise of childhood, where finitude and mortality are only dimly comprehended. It means willingly undertaking the sacrifices necessary to generate a productive and meaningful reality (it means acting to please [[God]], in the ancient language).
** p. 27

* So, attend carefully to your posture. Quit drooping and hunching around. Speak your mind. Put your desires forward, as if you had a right to them—at least the same right as others. Walk tall and gaze forthrightly ahead. Dare to be dangerous. Encourage the serotonin to flow plentifully through the neural pathways desperate for its calming influence.
** pp. 27–28

* Standards of better or worse are not illusory or unnecessary. If you hadn’t decided that what you are doing right now was better than the alternatives, you wouldn’t be doing it. The idea of a value-free choice is a contradiction in terms. Value judgments are a precondition for action. Furthermore, every activity, once chosen, comes with its own internal standards of accomplishment. If something can be done at all, it can be done better or worse.
** p. 87

* The first step, perhaps, is to take stock. Who are you? When you buy a house and prepare to live in it, you hire an inspector to list all its faults—as it is, in reality, now, not as you wish it could be. You’ll even pay him for the bad news. You need to know. You need to discover the home’s hidden flaws. You need to know whether they are cosmetic imperfections or structural inadequacies. You need to know because you can’t fix something if you don’t know it’s broken—and you’re broken. You need an inspector. The internal critic—it could play that role, if you could get it on track; if you and it could cooperate.
** p. 93

* [[The Bible]] is, for better or worse, the foundational document of Western civilization (of Western values, Western morality, and Western conceptions of good and evil). It's the product of processes that remain fundamentally beyond our comprehension. The Bible is a library composed of many books, each written and edited by many people. It's a truly emergent document—a selected, sequenced and finally coherent story written by no one and everyone over many thousands of years. The Bible has been thrown up, out of the deep, by the collective human imagination, which is itself a product of unimaginable forces operating over unfathomable spans of time. Its careful, respectful study can reveal things to us about what we believe and how we do and should act that can be discovered in almost no other manner.
** p. 104

* Was it really a good thing, for example, to so dramatically liberalize the divorce laws in the 1960s? It’s not clear to me that the children whose lives were destabilized by the hypothetical freedom this attempt at liberation introduced would say so. '''[[Horror]] and [[terror]] lurk behind the walls provided so wisely by our ancestors.''' We tear them down at our peril. We skate, unconsciously, on thin ice, with deep, cold waters below, where unimaginable monsters lurk.
** p. 119

* If your child is the kind of determined varmint who simply runs away, laughing, when placed on the steps or in his room, physical restraint might have to be added to the time out routine. A child can be held carefully but firmly by the upper arms, until he or she stops squirming and pays attention. If that fails, being turned over a parent’s knee might be required. For the child who is pushing the limits in a spectacularly inspired way, a swat across the backside can indicate requisite seriousness on the part of a responsible adult. There are some situations in which even that will not suffice, partly because some children are very determined, exploratory, and tough, or because the offending behaviour is truly severe. And if you’re not thinking such things through, then you’re not acting responsibly as a parent. You’re leaving the dirty work to someone else, who will be much dirtier doing it.
** p. 141

* There is little difference between [[sacrifice]] and [[work]]. They are also both uniquely human. Sometimes, animals act as if they are working, but they are really only following the dictates of their nature. Beavers build dams. They do so because they are beavers, and beavers build dams. They don't think, &quot;Yeah, but I'd rather be on a beach in Mexico with my girlfriend,&quot; while they're doing it.
** p. 164

* '''It took untold generations to get you where you are. A little gratitude might be in order. If you’re going to insist on bending the world to your way, you better have your reasons.'''
** p. 242

* [[Sigmund Freud|Freud]] was, after all, a [[genius]]. You can tell that because people still hate him.
** p. 243

* People organize their brains with conversation. If they don't have anyone to tell their story to, they lose their minds. Like hoarders, they cannot unclutter themselves.
** p. 250

* ''Group identity can be fractionated right down to the level of the individual.''
** p. 316

* And let us not forget: wicked women may produce dependent sons, may support and even marry dependent men, but awake and conscious women want an awake and conscious partner. It is for this reason that Nelson Muntz of ''[[The Simpsons]]'' is so necessary to the small social group that surrounds Homer’s antihero son, Bart. Without Nelson, King of the Bullies, the school would soon be overrun by resentful, touchy Milhouses, narcissistic, intellectual Martin Princes, soft, chocolate-gorging German children, and infantile Ralph Wiggums. Muntz is a corrective, a tough, self-sufficient kid who uses his own capacity for contempt to decide what line of immature and pathetic behaviour simply cannot be crossed. Part of the genius of ''The Simpsons'' is its writers’ refusal to simply write Nelson off as an irredeemable bully. Abandoned by his worthless father, neglected, thankfully, by his thoughtless slut of a mother, Nelson does pretty well, everything considered. He’s even of romantic interest to the thoroughly progressive Lisa, much to her dismay and confusion (for much the same reasons that ''[[Fifty Shades of Grey]]'' became a worldwide phenomenon).
** p. 330

==== ''[[w:Beyond Order|Beyond Order]]'' (2021) ====
{{Main|Beyond Order}}
[[File:A Lifetime of Contemplation with Dr. Jordan B. Peterson Wet Plate Collodion.jpg|thumb|I had to force myself to concentrate, and to breathe, and to keep from saying and meaning “to hell with it” during the endless months that I was possessed by dread and terror.]]
* I had to force myself to concentrate, and to breathe, and to keep from saying and meaning “to hell with it” during the endless months that I was possessed by dread and terror. And I was barely able to do it. More than half the time I believed that I was going to die in one of the many hospitals in which I resided. And I believe that if I had fallen prey to resentment, for example, I would have perished once and for all—and that I am fortunate to have avoided such a fate.
** p. xxiii

* '''Much that is great starts small, ignorant, and useless. […] But today’s beginner is tomorrow’s [[master]].'''
** pp. 18–19

* [[Ambition]] is often—and often purposefully—misidentified with the desire for [[power]], and damned with faint praise, and denigrated, and punished. And ambition is sometimes exactly that wish for undue influence on others. But there is a crucial difference between ''sometimes'' and ''always''. [[Authority]] is not mere power, and it is extremely unhelpful, even dangerous, to confuse the two. When people exert power over others, they compel them, forcefully. They apply the threat of privation or punishment so their subordinates have little choice but to act in a manner contrary to their personal needs, desires, and values. When people wield authority, by contrast, they do so because of their [[competence]]—a competence that is spontaneously recognized and appreciated by others, and generally followed willingly, with a certain relief, and with the sense that [[justice]] is being served.
** pp. 26–27

* '''You do not choose what interests you. It chooses you.''' Something manifests itself out of the darkness as compelling, as worth living for; following that, something moves us further down the road, to the next meaningful manifestation—and so it goes, as we continue to seek, develop, grow, and thrive. It is a perilous journey, but it is also the [[adventure]] of our lives. Think of pursuing someone you love: catch them or not, you change in the process.
** p. 65

* '''''Who dares wins''—if he does not perish.''' {Quoting the motto of the British Special Air Service.} '''And who wins also makes himself irresistibly desirable and attractive, not least because of the development of character that adventure inevitably produces. And this is what makes us forever more than rabbits.'''
** p. 80

* Those who break the rules ethically are those who have mastered them first and disciplined themselves to understand the necessity of those rules, and break them in keeping with the [[spirit]] rather than the letter of the [[law]].
** p. 85

* That is the nature of our ancestors: immensely courageous hunters, defenders, shepherds, voyagers, inventors, warriors, and founders of cities and states. That is the father you could rescue; the ancestor you could become.
** p. 124

* There is a high goal, a mountain peak, a [[star]] that shines in the darkness, beckoning above the horizon. Its mere existence gives you [[hope]]—and that is the meaning without which you cannot live.
** p. 133

* We have been telling [young people] for decades to demand what they are owed by society. We have been implying that the important meanings of their lives will be given to them because of such demands, when we should have been doing the opposite: letting them know that the meaning that sustains life in all its [[tragedy]] and disappointment is to be found in shouldering a noble burden.
** p. 161

* Perhaps [[communism]] may even have been a viable solution to the problems of the unequal distribution of wealth that characterized the industrial age, if all of the hypothetically oppressed were [[good]] people and all of the [[evil]] was to be found, as hypothesized, in their ''[[bourgeoisie]]'' overlords. Unfortunately for the communists, a substantial proportion of the oppressed were incapable, unconscientious, unintelligent, licentious, power mad, violent, resentful, and jealous, while a substantial proportion of the oppressors were educated, able, creative, intelligent, honest, and caring.
** p. 167

* Like [[God]], however, [[ideology]] is dead. The bloody excesses of the twentieth century killed it.
** p. 177

* If you aim at nothing, you become plagued by everything.
** p. 184

* To write something long, sophisticated, and coherent means, at least in part, to become more complex, articulate, and deeper in [[personality]].
** p. 185

* It is far better to become something than to remain anything but become nothing.
** p. 188

* It was the bringing together of a warring multiplicity under the unifying doctrines of [[Christianity]] that civilized [[Europe]].
** p. 191

[[File:1135 Mosaikikone mit Christus dem Barmherzigen Bodemuseum anagoria.JPG|thumb|Although [[Jesus|Christ]] commits many acts that might be considered revolutionary, as we discussed in Rule I, He is nonetheless explicitly portrayed in the Gospels as the master of [[tradition]].]]
* Although [[Jesus|Christ]] commits many acts that might be considered revolutionary, as we discussed in Rule I, He is nonetheless explicitly portrayed in the Gospels as the master of [[tradition]].
** p. 197

* Making something beautiful is difficult, but it is amazingly worthwhile. If you learn to make something in your life truly beautiful—even one thing—then you have established a relationship with [[beauty]]. From there you can begin to expand that relationship out into other elements of your life and the world. That is an invitation to the divine. That is the reconnection with the immortality of [[childhood]], and the true beauty and majesty of the Being you can no longer see. You must be daring to try that.
** p. 202

* Buy a piece of [[art]]. Find one that speaks to you and make the purchase. If it is a genuine artistic production, it will invade your life and change it. A real piece of art is a window into the [[Transcendence|transcendent]], and you need that in your life, because you are finite and limited and bounded by your ignorance. […]
: It is for such reasons that we need to understand the role of art, and stop thinking about it as an option, or a luxury, or worse, an affectation. Art is the bedrock of [[culture]] itself. It is the foundation of the process by which we unite ourselves psychologically, and come to establish productive peace with others. '''As it is said, “Man shall not live by bread alone” (Matthew 4:4). That is exactly right. We live by beauty. We live by literature. We live by art.''' We cannot live without some connection to the divine—and beauty is divine—because in its absence life is too short, too dismal, and too tragic.
:* p. 203

* I exposed myself to a larger number of paintings, I like to think, than anyone else in history. For at least four years, starting in 2001, I searched eBay, looking at roughly a thousand paintings a day, seeking the one or two in that number that were of genuine quality.
** pp. 219–220

* Beauty leads you back to what you have lost. Beauty reminds you of what remains forever immune to cynicism. Beauty beckons in a manner that straightens your aim. Beauty reminds you that there is lesser and greater value. Many things make life worth living: [[love]], [[play]], [[courage]], [[gratitude]], [[work]], [[friendship]], [[truth]], [[grace]], [[hope]], [[virtue]], and [[responsibility]]. But beauty is among the greatest of these.
** p. 226

* That is what happens two people fall under the spell of [[love]]. For a while, both become better than they were, and see that, but then that [[magic]] fades away. Both receive that experience as a gift. Both have their eyes open and can see what is visible to no one else. Such love is a glimpse of what could be, if the relationship remained true. It is delivered as a gift initially, from fate, but requires tremendous effort to realize and maintain. And once that is understood, the goal is clear.
** p. 269

[[File:DickseeRomeoandJuliet.jpg|thumb|[[Romance]] requires [[trust]]—and the deeper the trust, the deeper the possibility for romance.]]
* '''[[Romance]] requires [[trust]]—and the deeper the trust, the deeper the possibility for romance.'''
** p. 271

* There is an ancient conceit in the book of Genesis (2:21–22) that Eve was taken out of Adam—created from his rib. Woman from man: this presents something of a [[mystery]], reversing, as it does, the normative biological sequence, where males emerge from females at birth. It also gave rise to a line of mythological speculation, attempting to account for the strangeness of this creative act, predicated on the supposition that Adam, the original man produced by [[God]], was hermaphroditic—half masculine and half feminine—and only later separated into the two sexes. This implies not only the partition of a divinely produced unity, but the incompleteness of man and woman until each is brought together with the other.
** p. 273

* That ghostly figure, the ideal union of what is best in both personalities, should be constantly regarded as the ruler of the [[marriage]]—and, indeed, as something as close to divine as might be practically approached by fallible individuals.
** p. 275

* There are three fundamental states of social being: [[tyranny]] (you do what I want), [[slavery]] (I do what you want), or [[negotiation]].
** p. 278

* I have camped where the grizzly bears were plentiful. It is nice that they are on the planet and all that, but I prefer my grizzlies shy, not too hungry, and far enough away to be picturesque.
** p. 315

[[File:BethinAZ - 10-13.002 (by).jpg|thumb|[[Nature]] is beautiful in its mystery.]]
* We could use a poetic metaphor to represent the elements of experience that we have so far discussed (this is in fact how the world I am describing is usually considered). Imagine the realm of the Dragon of Chaos as the night sky, stretching infinitely above you on a clear night, representing what will remain forever outside your domain of understanding. Maybe you are standing on a beach, looking up, lost in [[contemplation]] and [[imagination]]. Then you turn your attention to the [[ocean]]—as grand in its way as the starry cosmos, but tangible and manifest and knowable, comparatively speaking. '''That is [[nature]]. It is not mere potential. It is there, in its unknowability, instead of removed from comprehension entirely. It is not yet tamed, however; not brought into the domain of order. And it is beautiful in its mystery. The moon reflects on its surface; the waves crash eternally and lull you to sleep; you can swim in its welcoming waters. But that beauty has a price. You better keep an eye out for sharks. And poisonous jellyfish. And the riptide that can pull you or your children under. And the storms that could destroy your warm and welcoming beach house.'''
** pp. 329–330

* I think it is reasonable to posit that it is often the people who have had too easy a time—who have been pampered and elevated falsely in their self-esteem—who adopt the role of victim and the mien of resentment.
** p. 339

* [[Grief]] must be a reflection of [[love]]. It is perhaps the ultimate proof of love. Grief is an uncontrollable manifestation of your belief that the lost person’s existence, limited and flawed as it might have been, was worthwhile, despite the limitations and flaws even of [[life]] itself.
** p. 372

=== Speeches ===
* The motivation that drives the commission of the worst human atrocities is an inevitable social consequence of the refusal of the self-conscious individual to make the sacrifices appropriate to establishing a harmonious life, and their consequent degeneration into a kind of murderous and resentment-filled rage propagating endlessly through its variations in society until everything comes to an end.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MLp7vWB0TeY&amp;t=32m21s &quot;Tragedy vs Evil&quot; (5th Biennial International Conference on Personal Meaning, July 24-27, 2008)]

* '''You want to have a meaningful life? Everything you do matters. That's the definition of a meaningful life. But everything you do matters. So you're going to have to carry that with you.'''
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9XyXo-GcLsA &quot;Freedom Of Speech or Political Correctness&quot;]

* Weak and miserable as I am, I can still stand up to the terrible tragedy of life and prevail!
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CwcVLETRBjg&amp;t=72m40s &quot;Strengthen the Individual: A counterpoint to Post Modern Political Correctness&quot;]

* I think the idea of [[white privilege]] is absolutely reprehensible. And it's not because white people aren't privileged. You know, we have all sorts of privileges, and most people have privileges of all sorts, and you should be grateful for your privileges and work to deserve them, I would say. But the idea that you can target an ethnic group with a collective crime, regardless of the specific innocence or guilt of the constituent elements of that group—there is absolutely nothing that's more racist than that. It's absolutely abhorrent.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_UL-SdOhwek&amp;t=52m14s &quot;Strengthen the Individual: Q &amp; A Parts I &amp; II&quot;]

* '''There is nothing more useful in combating the tragedy of life than to struggle with all your soul on behalf of the good.'''
** [https://youtube/Urd0IK0WEWU?t=2644 &quot;2017/04/10: Harvard Talk: Postmodernism &amp; the Mask of Compassion&quot;]

* The logical conclusion of intersectionality is [[individuality]]. There's so many different ways of categorizing people's advantages and disadvantages, that if you take that all the way out to the end you say, &quot;Well, the individual is the ultimate minority&quot;—and that's exactly right. And that's exactly what the West discovered. The intersectionalists will get there if they don't kill everyone first.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PfH8IG7Awk0 &quot;Identity politics and the Marxist lie of white privilege talk, 3rd November 2017&quot;]

* 12 principles for a 21st century [[conservatism]]:  &lt;br&gt; 1. The fundamental assumptions of Western civilization are valid. &lt;br&gt; 2. Peaceful social being is preferable to isolation and to war. In consequence, it justly and rightly demands some sacrifice of individual impulse and idiosyncrasy. &lt;br&gt; 3. Hierarchies of competence are desirable and should be promoted.  &lt;br&gt; 4. Borders are reasonable. Likewise, limits on immigration are reasonable. Furthermore, it should not be assumed that citizens of societies that have not evolved functional individual-rights predicated polities will hold values in keeping with such polities. &lt;br&gt; 5. People should be paid so that they are able and willing to perform socially useful and desirable duties.  &lt;br&gt; 6. Citizens have the inalienable right to benefit from the result of their own honest labor.  &lt;br&gt;7. It is more noble to teach young people about responsibilities than about rights.  &lt;br&gt; 8. It is better to do what everyone has always done, unless you have some extraordinarily valid reason to do otherwise. &lt;br&gt; 9. Radical change should be viewed with suspicion, particularly in a time of radical change. &lt;br&gt; 10. The government, local and distant, should leave people to their own devices as much as possible.  &lt;br&gt;11. Intact heterosexual two-parent families constitute the necessary bedrock for a stable polity.  &lt;br&gt; 12. We should judge our political system in comparison to other actual political systems and not to hypothetical utopias. 
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nyw4rTywyY0 &quot;Speech of Jordan Peterson at Carleton Place for the Conservative Party of Ontario&quot;]

=== Debates ===
[[File:Communist-manifesto.png|thumb|I have rarely read a tract that made as many conceptual errors per sentence as ''[[The Communist Manifesto]]''.]]
* [First opening statement:] To read something you don’t just follow the words and follow the meaning, but you take apart the sentences and you ask yourself at this level of phrase and at the level of sentence and the level of paragraph, “Is this true? Are there counter-arguments that can be put forward that are credible? Is this solid thinking?”
: And I have to tell you, and I’m not trying to be flippant here, that I have rarely read a tract that made as many conceptual errors per sentence as ''[[The Communist Manifesto]]''. It was quite a miraculous re-read. And it was interesting to think about it psychologically as well, because I’ve read student papers that were of the same ilk in some sense, although I’m not suggesting that they were of the same level of glittering literary brilliance and polemic quality. And I also understand that ''The Communist Manifesto'' was a call for revolution and not a standard logical argument, but that notwithstanding I have some things to say about the authors psychologically.
: The first thing is that is doesn’t seem to me that either [[Karl Marx|Marx]] or [[Friedrich Engels|Engels]] grappled with this particular fundamental truth, which is that almost all ideas are wrong. And it doesn’t matter if they're your ideas or someone else’s ideas; they’re probably wrong. And even if they strike you with the force of brilliance, your job is to assume first of all that they’re probably wrong and then to assault them with everything you have in your arsenal and see if they can survive. And what struck me about ''The Communist Manifesto'' was akin to something [[Carl Jung|Jung]] said about typical thinking and this was the thinking of people who were not trained to think. He said that the typical thinker has a thought; it appears to them like an object might appear in a room; the thought appears and they just accept it as true. They don't go the second step, which is to think about the thinking. And that's the real essence of critical thinking. And so that's what you try to teach people in university, to read a text and think about it critically—not to destroy the utility of the text, but to separate the wheat from the chaff.
: And so what I tried to do when I was reading ''The Communist Manifesto'' was to separate the wheat from the chaff. And I'm afraid I found some wheat, yes, but mostly chaff, and I'm going to explain why, hopefully in relatively short order.
:*{{citation|title=Slavoj Zizek vs Jordan Peterson debate|date=20 April 2019|publisher=YouTube|url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=78BFFq_8XvM&amp;t=540}}

==Quotes about Jordan Peterson==
* Countless men are grateful to Jordan Peterson for having the [[courage]] to speak his mind on a contentious social matter. This temporal issue brought him many enemies, but his timeless messages earned followers that vastly outnumber them. The sheer numbers testify that he is the right man at the right time, someone capable of showing young men that cleaning up their room has cosmic significance, and that imposing a little order upon chaos is good for the soul, which in turn is good for the world.
** Christian Chensvold, [https://www.nationalreview.com/2017/06/jordan-p-peterson-self-help-guru-father-figure/ &quot;YouTube’s New Father Figure&quot;] in ''National Review'' (17 June 2017)

* Peterson can take the most difficult ideas and make them entertaining. He is fast becoming the closest that academia has to a rock star.
** [[w:Tim Lott|Tim Lott]], [https://www.theguardian.com/global/2018/jan/21/jordan-peterson-self-help-author-12-steps-interview &quot;Jordan Peterson: ‘The pursuit of happiness is a pointless goal’&quot;] in ''The Guardian'' (21 January 2018)

* For all the bizarre but now-familiar attempts to smear him as ‘far-right,’ Jordan Peterson is just a centrist liberal, with all the uninterestingness that that entails. But he’s a centrist liberal who has been demoralized by the officialization of polite falsehood enough to loudly speak what should be insipid truths. Platitudes like ‘Enlightenment values are worth preserving’ and ‘science is true even if when produces discomforting results’ now qualify as bomb-throwing.
** Robert Mariani, [https://jacobitemag.com/2018/02/09/the-jordan-peterson-emergency/ &quot;Lying About Jordan Peterson&quot;] in ''Jacobite Mag'' (9 February 2018)

* The startling success of his elevated arguments for the importance of order has made [Jordan Peterson] the most significant conservative thinker to appear in the English-speaking world in a generation.
** [[W:Yoram Hazony|Yoram Hazony]], [https://www.wsj.com/articles/jordan-peterson-and-conservatisms-rebirth-1529101961/ &quot;Jordan Peterson and Conservatism’s Rebirth&quot;] in ''The Wall Street Journal'' (15 June 2018)

* The more you hear Peterson babble about anything that isn’t himself, the more it becomes apparent that he’s simply not very intelligent or very well-read.
** [[W:Vox Day|Vox Day]], [https://voxday.net/2019/03/29/context-and-comprehension/ Context and comprehension] in ''Vox Popoli'' (29 March 2019)

==External links==
{{Wikipedia}}
*[https://jordanbpeterson.com Official Website]
*[https://www.quora.com/profile/Jordan-B-Peterson Quora Profile]
*[https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL22J3VaeABQAT-0aSPq-OKOpQlHyR4k5h 2017 Maps of Meaning Lecture Series]
*[https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL22J3VaeABQApSdW8X71Ihe34eKN6XhCi 2017 Personality and its Transformations Lecture Series]
*[https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL22J3VaeABQD_IZs7y60I3lUrrFTzkpat The Psychological Significance of Biblical Stories]
* English version of the book ''[http://jordanbpeterson.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/Peterson-JB-Maps-of-Meaning-Routledge-1999.pdf Maps Of Meaning: The Architecture of Belief]''
* English version of the book ''[https://twelverulesforlife.com 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos by Dr Jordan B. Peterson]''
*[https://www.reddit.com/r/JordanPeterson Discussion Forum on Reddit]

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    <title>Where the Wild Things Are</title>
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'''''[[w:Where the Wild Things Are (film)|Where the Wild Things Are]]''''' (in 108 minutes release on Signature Edition on September 4, 2026) is a 2009 American-Australian-German [[w:fantasy film|fantasy]] [[w:Drama (film and television)|drama film]] directed by [[w:Spike Jonze|Spike Jonze]]. Written by Jonze and [[w:Dave Eggers|Dave Eggers]], it is adapted from [[Maurice Sendak]]'s 1963 [[w:Where the Wild Things Are|children's book of the same name]]. It combines live-action, [[w:Suitmation|performers in costumes]], [[w:animatronics|animatronics]], and [[w:computer-generated imagery|computer-generated imagery]] (CGI). The film centers on a lonely eight-year-old boy named Max who sails away to an island inhabited by creatures known as the &quot;Wild Things,&quot; who declare Max their king.
{{center|'''There's one in all of us.'''}}

{{film-stub}}

==Max==
* Let the wild rumpus start!

==Dialogue==
:'''Max''': Did you make this?
:'''Carol''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Max''': It's very good.
:'''Carol''': We were gonna make a whole world like this. Now, everyone used to come here, but you know... you know what it feels like when all your teeth are falling out really slowly and you don't realize and then you notice that, well, they're really far apart. And then one day... you don't have any teeth anymore.
:'''Max''': Yeah.
:'''Carol''': Well it was like that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;60%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Max drags a chair to the counter. He sniffs the food in the kitchen. His mom takes the oven mitt off to tell him to be quiet.]''
:'''Connie''': Hey, shh.
:''[Max sits on the chair.]''
:'''Max''': Mom, what is that?
:'''Connie''': Pâté.
:''[Picks up frozen corn]''
:'''Max''': Frozen corn? What's wrong with real corn?
:'''Connie''': Frozen corn is real. All right, now get off the chair, please. And go tell your sister to clear her stuff off the table.
:''[Max shouts real loud]''
:'''Max''': CLAIRE, GET YOUR STUFF OFF THE DINING ROOM TABLE!
:'''Connie''': Max, don't ever pull that now.
:''[Max stands on the countertop.]''
:'''Connie''': Max, get off the counter, please. Get off. I have a friend here. You're embarrassing me.
:'''Max''': WOMAN, FEED ME! ''[Connie covers her eyes and sighs in disappointment]''
:'''Connie''': Max, get off the co--get-g-get off the counter. ''[impatiently, in an angry tone.]'' Get off the dang counter, Max, now. Now!
:'''Max''': I'LL EAT YOU UP!!
:'''Connie''': ''[shouts]'' GET DOWN! ''[Max snarls]'' Get off from there! ''[Max steps off the counter and runs to the front door. Mom chases him and Adrian is on the couch, who notices.]'' Stop!
:'''Adrian''': Hey.
:'''Connie''': Get over here! ''[She grabs Max, who starts pounding his fists on her wrists.]'' What is wrong with you?! This is not acceptable behavior!
:'''Max''': YOU'RE NOT ACCEPTABLE!!
:'''Connie''': No dinner for you, Max!? Go to your room!? ''[Max bites her on the shoulder.]'' OW!! ''[Mom drops Max, who falls to the floor. She holds onto her shoulder in pain.]''
:'''Max''': ''[tearfully]'' NO MORE GO TO YOUR ROOM!!
:'''Connie''': Max! You bit me! THAT HURTS!! ''[Adrian walks up to Mom]''
:'''Adrian''': Connie, he can't treat you like that. Connie calm down. ''[Mom is embarrassingly furious.]''
:'''Connie''': No, Adrian, go back to sit in the couch! Max, what is WRONG with you?! You're out of control!!
:'''Max''': ''[Tearfully, Max gets up and screams and runs out the door]'' IT'S NOT MY '''''FAAAAULT!!!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;60%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ira''': Oh my god, it's KW.
:'''Alexander''': Oh, hi KW.
:'''Douglas''': KW, it's good to see you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;60%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Douglas''': That was my favorite arm?!

==Taglines==
* There's one in all of us.
* Inside all of us is... hope. Inside all of us is... fear. Inside all of us is... adventure. Inside all of us is a wild thing.
* Let the wild rumpus start!
* I could eat you up, I love you so.

==Cast==
* [[w:Max Records|Max Records]] as Max.
* [[w:Catherine Keener|Catherine Keener]] as Connie.
* [[Mark Ruffalo]] as Adrian.
* [[w:Pepita Emmerichs|Pepita Emmerichs]] as Claire.
* Steve Mouzakis as Max's teacher.
* Max Pfeifer, Madeleine Greaves, Joshua Jay and Ryan Corr as Claire's friends.

===Voices===
* [[w:James Gandolfini|James Gandolfini]] as Carol.
* [[w:Lauren Ambrose|Lauren Ambrose]] as K.W.
* [[w:Chris Cooper|Chris Cooper]] as Douglas.
* [[Forest Whitaker]] as Ira.
* [[w:Catherine O'Hara|Catherine O'Hara]] as Judith.
* [[w:Paul Dano|Paul Dano]] as Alexander.
* [[w:Michael Berry Jr.|Michael Berry Jr.]] as Bernard the Bull.
* [[w:Spike Jonze|Spike Jonze]] as Bob and Terry.

===Suit performers===
* Vincent Crowley as Carol.
* Alice Parkinson as K.W.
* John Leary as Douglas.
* Sam Longley as Ira.
* Nick Farnell as Judith.
* Sonny Gerasimowicz as Alexander.
* [[w:Angus Sampson|Angus Sampson]] as Bernard the Bull.

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Where the Wild Things Are (film)}}
* {{IMDb title|0386117|Where the Wild Things Are}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|where_the_wild_things_are|Where the Wild Things Are}}

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        <ip>2600:1007:B02B:FD7D:B93E:303:B5A8:29FD</ip>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="5454" xml:space="preserve">{{italic_title}}
'''''[[w:Where the Wild Things Are (film)|Where the Wild Things Are]]''''' (in 108 minutes release on Signature Edition on September 4, 2026) is a 2009 American-Australian-German [[w:fantasy film|fantasy]] [[w:Drama (film and television)|drama film]] directed by [[w:Spike Jonze|Spike Jonze]]. Written by Jonze and [[w:Dave Eggers|Dave Eggers]], it is adapted from [[Maurice Sendak]]'s 1963 [[w:Where the Wild Things Are|children's book of the same name]]. It combines live-action, [[w:Suitmation|performers in costumes]], [[w:animatronics|animatronics]], and [[w:computer-generated imagery|computer-generated imagery]] (CGI). The film centers on a lonely eight-year-old boy named Max who sails away to an island inhabited by creatures known as the &quot;Wild Things,&quot; who declare Max their king.
{{center|'''There's one in all of us.'''}}

{{film-stub}}

==Max==
* Let the wild rumpus start!

==Dialogue==
:'''Max''': Did you make this?
:'''Carol''': Yeah, yeah.
:'''Max''': It's very good.
:'''Carol''': We were gonna make a whole world like this. Now, everyone used to come here, but you know... you know what it feels like when all your teeth are falling out really slowly and you don't realize and then you notice that, well, they're really far apart. And then one day... you don't have any teeth anymore.
:'''Max''': Yeah.
:'''Carol''': Well it was like that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;60%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Max drags a chair to the counter. He sniffs the food in the kitchen. His mom takes the oven mitt off to tell him to be quiet.]''
:'''Connie''': Hey, shh.
:''[Max sits on the chair.]''
:'''Max''': Mom, what is that?
:'''Connie''': Pâté.
:''[Picks up frozen corn]''
:'''Max''': Frozen corn? What's wrong with real corn?
:'''Connie''': Frozen corn is real. All right, now get off the chair, please. And go tell your sister to clear her stuff off the table.
:''[Max shouts real loud]''
:'''Max''': CLAIRE, GET YOUR STUFF OFF THE DINING ROOM TABLE!
:'''Connie''': Max, don't ever pull that now.
:''[Max stands on the countertop.]''
:'''Connie''': Max, get off the counter, please. Get off. I have a friend here. You're embarrassing me.
:'''Max''': WOMAN, FEED ME! ''[Connie covers her eyes and sighs in disappointment]''
:'''Connie''': Max, get off the co--get-g-get off the counter. ''[impatiently, in an angry tone.]'' Get off the dang counter, Max, now. Now!
:'''Max''': I'LL EAT YOU UP!!
:'''Connie''': ''[shouts]'' GET DOWN! ''[Max snarls]'' Get off from there! ''[Max steps off the counter and runs to the front door. Mom chases him and Adrian is on the couch, who notices.]'' Stop!
:'''Adrian''': Hey.
:'''Connie''': Get over here! ''[She grabs Max, who starts poundin' his fists on her wrists.]'' What is wrong with you?! This is not acceptable behavior!
:'''Max''': YOU'RE NOT ACCEPTABLE!!
:'''Connie''': No dinner for you, Max!? Go to your room!? ''[Max bites her on the shoulder.]'' OW!! ''[Mom drops Max, who falls to the floor. She holds onto her shoulder in pain.]''
:'''Max''': ''[tearfully]'' NO MORE GO TO YOUR ROOM!!
:'''Connie''': Max! You bit me! THAT HURTS!! ''[Adrian walks up to Mom]''
:'''Adrian''': Connie, he can't treat you like that. Connie calm down. ''[Mom is embarrassingly furious.]''
:'''Connie''': No, Adrian, go back to sit in the couch! My Claire was never waste! Max, what is WRONG with you?! You're out of control!!
:'''Max''': ''[Tearfully, Max gets up and screams and runs out the door]'' IT'S NOT MY '''''FAAAAULT!!!!!!'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;60%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ira''': Oh my god, it's KW.
:'''Alexander''': Oh, hi KW.
:'''Douglas''': KW, it's good to see you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;60%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Douglas''': That was my favorite arm?!

==Taglines==
* There's one in all of us.
* Inside all of us is... hope. Inside all of us is... fear. Inside all of us is... adventure. Inside all of us is a wild thing.
* Let the wild rumpus start!
* I could eat you up, I love you so.

==Cast==
* [[w:Max Records|Max Records]] as Max.
* [[w:Catherine Keener|Catherine Keener]] as Connie.
* [[Mark Ruffalo]] as Adrian.
* [[w:Pepita Emmerichs|Pepita Emmerichs]] as Claire.
* Steve Mouzakis as Max's teacher.
* Max Pfeifer, Madeleine Greaves, Joshua Jay and Ryan Corr as Claire's friends.

===Voices===
* [[w:James Gandolfini|James Gandolfini]] as Carol.
* [[w:Lauren Ambrose|Lauren Ambrose]] as K.W.
* [[w:Chris Cooper|Chris Cooper]] as Douglas.
* [[Forest Whitaker]] as Ira.
* [[w:Catherine O'Hara|Catherine O'Hara]] as Judith.
* [[w:Paul Dano|Paul Dano]] as Alexander.
* [[w:Michael Berry Jr.|Michael Berry Jr.]] as Bernard the Bull.
* [[w:Spike Jonze|Spike Jonze]] as Bob and Terry.

===Suit performers===
* Vincent Crowley as Carol.
* Alice Parkinson as K.W.
* John Leary as Douglas.
* Sam Longley as Ira.
* Nick Farnell as Judith.
* Sonny Gerasimowicz as Alexander.
* [[w:Angus Sampson|Angus Sampson]] as Bernard the Bull.

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Where the Wild Things Are (film)}}
* {{IMDb title|0386117|Where the Wild Things Are}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|where_the_wild_things_are|Where the Wild Things Are}}

[[Category:2009 films]]
[[Category:Australian films]]
[[Category:German films]]
[[Category:American children's adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's drama films]]
[[Category:American children's fantasy films]]
[[Category:Films featuring puppetry]]
[[Category:Films based on children's books]]
[[Category:Monster films]]
[[Category:Films about owls]]
[[Category:Films directed by Spike Jonze]]
[[Category:Magic realism films]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>LEGO Marvel Superheroes</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>198588</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153517</id>
      <parentid>3151825</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T13:11:19Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2604:B000:A118:83F:2C21:3B72:E179:BBE2</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Main Chapters */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="23637" xml:space="preserve">'''LEGO Marvel Superheroes''' is a 2014 video game.

==Main Chapters==
===Chapter 1 - Sand Central Station===
(''At Sand Central Station'')
*'''Abomination''': (''Growls'')
*'''Sandman''': Alright! I let these big-wigs go, once you will bring me some of those… Uh… Cosmic Bricks!
*'''Abomination''': Why didn’t they make me the supervisor here? That guy’s got sand for brains?
&lt;/poem&gt;
&lt;poem&gt;
(''At outside'')
*'''Iron Man''': (''arrives'') Holding Grand Central hostage at rush hour? 
*'''Police''': Now that’s criminal!
*'''Hulk''': (''off-screen'') (''Roars'') (''arrives'')
*'''Iron Man''': Hulk, you have to remember to look… before you leap.
*'''Abomination''': (''Growls'')
*'''Hulk''': (''Roars'')
*'''Iron Man''': I know… bad guys. The S.H.I.E.L.D. folks think we need to formulate a careful plan of attack using… Or, we just smash our way in. Good plan.
*'''Phil Coulson ''': (''transmission'') Welcome back to New York, gentlemen!
*'''Iron Man''': Look at this mess! Didn’t we just clean up this city?
*'''Phil Coulson''': [''over radio''] Witnesses on the ground say Sandman’s got hostages in the station!
*'''Hulk''': SAND MAKE HULK MAAAAD!
*'''Iron Man''': Just as well I charged my batteries this morning. I think it’s going to be a long day. Whoah! So that’s why that button does…
*'''Phil Coulson ''': [''over radio''] Looks like you’ll have to get past Abomination to get inside!
*'''Iron Man''': He threw that car like it was some kind of toy! Big Guy, you handle this!
*'''Abomination''': (''Roars'')
*'''Hulk''': HULK ANGRY!
*'''Sandman''': I’ll give you a hand… Or two! Hahaha!
*'''Phil Coulson ''': (''transmission'') There’s sand everywhere… but this won’t be a day at the beach!
*'''Stan Lee''': Excelsior!
*'''Phil Coulson ''': (''transmission'') Hey! It’s that guy who seems to follow you super heroes around everywhere! You should help Stan out whenever you see him in trouble…
*'''Sandman''': You can’t beat me! I’ve already won HANDS down! Hahaha! We have unscheduled arrival in the main terminal! Hahaha!
*'''Hulk''': HULK HATE DELAYS!
*'''Phil Coulson''': (''transmission'') Hulk, remember you can transform back to normal if you calm down…
*'''Sandman''': Looks like the writing’s on the wall for you guys! Hahaha!
*'''Hulk''': WALLS NOT GOOD! WALLS ONLY KEEP PEOPLE APART!
*'''Iron Man''': Profound… Huh! Least I know a good spot for beach volleyball next week.
*'''Sandman''': Looks like I’m king of the castle, super zeroes! Good luck getting past this!
*'''Iron Man''': Well there’s something you don’t see every day, a large building I don’t own yet.
*'''Spider-Man''': Wow, so much for taking the subway down to the Bugle. Guess I’ll just have to fight my way though it.
*'''Iron Man''': Whoa!
*'''Hulk''': (''Roars'')
*'''Iron Man''': Whoa! Thanks for swinging by, Spider-Man.
*'''Spider-Man''': You Avenger guys are really great, at making a mess.
*'''Iron Man''': Hey! I just replaced that!
*'''Spider-Man''': I always knew there was a real buzz around your name, Tony, but this is taking a little too far. We’ve gotta shut of the power!
*'''Iron Man''': Pepper always says I get in my own way!
*'''Spider-Man''': My spider-sense again… What is it?
*'''Spider-Man''': My spider-sense… Something close by.
*'''Sandman''': Seems like I’ve got my hands full with you!
*'''Iron Man''': This guy doesn’t give up! Let’s find a way to take this thing down!
*'''Phil Coulson''': (''transmission'') Doctor Banner, this might be a good time for you to get angry. Hulk, remember you can transform back to normal if you calm down…

*'''Sandman''': Oh, no… I’m melting… MELTING! No, wait… I mean… solidfying… SOLIDFRYING… Oh, what a world… Noooo….!
*'''Spider-Man''': I don’t need this, I already have enough problems without getting sand in this costume!
*'''Sandman''': Argh! You think you can stop me? I’m not pulling any more punches…
*'''Spider-Man''': This guy’s attacks are so fast! Talk about your quicksand, I’ve definitely got a sinking feeling right now.
*'''Sandman''': I hate to HAMMER a point home but you two just won’t take a hint! Grr! You got me that time but I’ll still beat you to the PUNCH!

*'''Nick Fury''': Secure that Cosmic Brick, Coulson. And make sure it gets to the Fantastic Four’s lab for analysis.
*'''Phil Coulson''': Yes, sir. (''to Hulk'') Uh, Hulk, can you help with some of this debris?
*'''Iron Man''': You’re calling them Cosmic Bricks?
*'''Nick Fury''': They came from the sky-surfer you encountered. I’ve given Reed Richards the job of finding out why everyone seems to want them. (''to Spider-Man'') Thanks for your help, Spider-Man. There’s always a place in this operation for a hero like you.
:'''Spider-Man''': Like I have time for that. I’ve got a trigonometry exam tomorrow, my aunt needs me to pick-up a dozen eggs and I’m drowning in angst.
*'''Iron Man''': So, who’s behind all this? What exactly are they up to? And will it cut into my hot tub time?
*'''Nick Fury''': I don’t know - I wish I knew, and yes. Tony, get back to Stark Tower and try to get me some answers.

===Chapter 2 - Times Square-off===
*'''Maria Hill:''' The top five floors of the Baxter Building are home to the Fantastic Four. Up to date plans are unavailable as Reed Richards is continuously reconfiguring the layout of his labs.


*'''Doctor Octopus:''' ''[Holding a Cosmic Brick]'' Doctor Doom, it's Doctor Octopus. I found it.
*'''Doctor Octopus:''' Attack my Octo-bots!
(''In the Daily Bugle building'')
*'''J. Jonah Jameson''': Parker?! Do your job! I want some play for Bugle stories on Net-Thing or Inter-face.
*'''Peter Parker''': Yes, sir. Google.
*'''J. Jonah Jameson''': You understand the web, don’t you?
*'''Peter Parker''': The web? Yeah, it’s a job and a hobby.
*'''[Doctor Willy get crushed into office]''
*'''Jameson''': Doctor Willy You’re a real doctor, right? Cause I have a pain right here… down there… oh, and that bit over there, wow!
*'''Doctor Willy''': Your cheap health plan doesn’t cover office visits. ''[Leaves through a hole on the other side of the room]''
*'''J. Jonah Jameson''': ''[Peeks out of his office as Sora and Octodad pass by]'' Oxton?! Oxton! I need some footage of this for the website! How hard can it be? I mean, this time the news is coming to us!
*'''Tracer''': ''[Putting her costume on]'' You could record it with your IPhone, JJ, if you could figure out how to turn it on.


*'''Captain America:''' Give it up, crime never pays.
*'''Doctor Octopus:''' You'd be surprised; it covers medical and dental.
*''[Captain America throws his shield at Dr. Octopus' tentacle, causing him to throw the Cosmic Brick upwards, only to catch it with another of his tentacles]''
*'''Reed Richards:''' You can't escape the long reach of justice, Ock. ''[Reaches out and grabs one of Doctor Octopus' tentacles, but fails to retrieve the Cosmic Brick]''
*'''Spider-Man:''' Stop being so grabby, doc! ''[Shoots a bit of web at Doctor Octopus, causing the Cosmic brick to fly up]''
*'''Captain America:''' I got it! ''[Throws his shield]''
*'''Reed Richards:''' I got it! ''[Reaches out]''
*'''Spider-Man:''' I got it! ''[Shoots some webbing]''
*'''Green Goblin:''' ''[Swoops in and steals the Cosmic Brick]'' No! I got it! ''[Flies off, laughing]''
*''[Doctor Octopus launches his tentacles forward, but Reed Richards and Spider-Man hold them down. Captain America throws his shield at Doctor Octopus, knocking him out]''

===Chapter 3 - Exploratory Laboratory===
*'''Maria Hill:''' Within the Oscorp building's high security perimeter, Norman Osbourne's labs undertake secretive research into radical new chemical and genetic technologies.

*'''Spider-Man:''' ''[In an elevator, just as Hawkeye and Black Widow enter]'' What took you so long?

*'''Spider-Man:''' Wow, getting a visitor pass around here is grueling.

*'''Hawkeye:''' You know, for a totally legitimate...
*'''Black Widow:''' ...and unsuspicious office tower, this place is surprisingly disgusting.
*'''Spider-Man:''' You said it.
*'''Black Widow:''' You think that's all of them?
''[Venom appears]''
*'''Spider-Man:''' Uh, no.
*'''Hawkeye:''' I see him!
*''[Venom leaps down in front of the trio]''
*'''Venom:''' We always love running into you, Spider-Man!

===Chapter 4 - Rock Up at the Lock Up===
*'''Maria Hill:''' Located of Manhattan's East Coast, the highest security area of Ryker's Island Maximum Security Penitentiary is known as the Raft. Looking for the worst of the worst in super-villainy? You'll find them here.

*'''Iron Man:''' My sensors are detecting movement on the other side of this wall.
:''[Hulk punches through the wall and grabs Wolverine]''
:'''Wolverine:''' Let go of me, bub!
:'''Hulk:''' HULK SMASH UGLY SIDEBURNS!
:'''Iron Man:''' Hulk, drop. You should know by now he's one of the good guys. ''[Hulk drops Wolverine]'' Even if he doesn't smell like one.
:''[Wolverine retracts his claws]''
:'''Iron Man:''' Shouldn't you be in Canada, uncovering your past or something?
:'''Wolverine:''' Tracked Sabretooth here. Chuck says Doom’s got the Brotherhood of Mutants helping him out.
:'''Iron Man:''' Doing what?
:''[An alarm goes off. Several cell doors are destroyed as Sabretooth appears, along with Mystique who is disguised as a security guard]''
:'''Iron Man:''' Let's go!

*'''Sabretooth:''' You made it just in time for the big escape. ''[Slices the door control, releasing Carnage, Red Skull, Rhino and Stan Lee]''
:''[Magneto enters]''
:'''Wolverine:''' Supervillains everywhere.
:'''Iron Man:''' Supervillains, meet my super-suit.
:'''Magneto:''' Yes, that suit. It requires some tailoring... ''[Disassembles Iron Man's suit with his magnetic powers]''
:''[Magneto and Sabretooth escape, with Hulk and Wolverine pursuing them]''
:'''Iron Man:''' Is it me, or did it get drafty in here?

*'''Agent Coulson:''' What a mess. Who else got away?
*'''Wolverine:''' ''[Sniffs]'' I'm gettin' other supervillain scents here... Mandarin, Red Skull and... Loki. Where's Thor?
*'''Agent Coulson:''' In Asgard. He needs to know about this.
*''[Cut to Loki walking out of his cell]''

===Chapter 5 - Rebooted, Resuited===
*'''Maria Hill:''' Stark Tower dominates the Manhattan Skyline as either a highly advanced technological research facility, or a giant monument to its owner's ego. Depends who you ask.

*'''Hulk:''' HULK SMASH SKULL! ''[Growls and flexes until tearing was heard, shocking him]'' HULK RIP PANTS!

*'''Tony Stark:''' Did I ever tell you about my party armor? It was designed like a tuxedo. For more formal battles.

*'''JARVIS:''' Arc Reactor Storage access granted.
:''[Loki removes the Arc Reactor and laughs]''
:'''Captain America:''' Loki, stand down!
:'''Loki:''' My insincerest apologies, but I have need for a source of high power at low cost.
:'''Iron Man:''' Well, you are stealing from the best.
:'''Mandarin:''' That's not the only thing we've stolen... ''[Sees Loki teleporting away]'' Where are you going? Never trust a demigod...

*'''Iron Man:''' Why is it my tower can never stay in one piece?

===Chapter 6 - Red Head Detention===
*'''Maria Hill:''' Standing over fourteen hundred feet tall and weighing 365,000 tons, the Empire State Building was opened in 1931 and has remained one of New York City's most recognizable landmarks ever since.

*'''Nick Fury:''' Turn on S.H.I.E.L.D.’s arc-reactor tracking software.
:'''Iron Man:''' Tracking my arc-reactor signatures?
:''[Cut to a party sometime in the past with many of the Avengers, X-Men and Fantastic Four]''
:'''Nick Fury:''' ''[voiceover]'' Do you know how many times I have to find you at some crazy party? ''[Professor X hovers by with Iron Man on the front of his hover chair before he starts spinning around]'' You see, having the best intelligence gives you the upper hand.

*'''Black Widow:''' Looks like Wolverine beat us here.
:'''Nick Fury:''' The signal's gotten stronger. So follow it, agents.

*'''Hawkeye:''' I guess evil organizations don't spend as much on training their goons as they do on these fancy doors...

*'''Black widow:''' This base is huge. How did it stay hidden for so long?
:'''Hawkeye:''' Quality decorating?

*'''Captain America:''' Red Skull! I'm gonna spangle you till you see stars!
:'''Red Skull:''' Still in that ridiculous outfit? You need a bigger wardrobe budget.

*'''Wolverine:''' I picked up the Skull's trail outside the raft. He wears a stinky cologne.
:'''Captain America:''' We appreciate the help, but you've destroyed the vortex. Now we can't follow Loki.
:'''Wolverine:''' Yeah, well, I get the sense that Loki isn't just a hired hand in this thing.

===Chapter 7 - Bifrosty Reception===
*'''Maria Hill:''' Most of what S.H.I.E.L.D. knows about Thor and his people remains highly classified. What little information we've obtained about his home 'Asgard' comes from... well... this one little children's book found by Dr. Erik Selvig in New Mexico. Seems pretty accurate so far...

*'''Thor:''' The Tesseract is dangerous, brother!
:'''Loki:''' Oh, and so am I, brother! I intend to get my revenge on you, on Earth, and on Asgard!
:'''Thor:''' What are you planning, Loki?
:'''Loki:''' You can't make me tell. You are not the god of me.
:'''Thor:''' ''[Irritated]'' Ohhh! Thou dost vex me with that taunt. You have used it since we were children!
:'''Loki:''' Do you remember ''this'' little plaything? ''[Activates the Destroyer]''

*'''Thor:''' I will return the Tesseract to the safe-keeping of the Treasure Room.
:'''Human Torch:''' Hey blondie, I hate to point this out, but it just got stolen from there. Maybe your security is not so good.
:'''Captain America:''' S.H.I.E.L.D. has an entire battalion of troops dedicated to guarding the Tesseract.
:'''Thor:''' Humans? Guarding this item of immense power?
:''[Wolverine quietly takes the Tesseract away]''
:'''Thor:''' Please! I can rain thunder and lightning on anyone who touches it!

===Chapter 8 - Juggernauts and Crosses===
*'''Maria Hill:''' Officially, Professor Charles Xavier's institute for Higher Learning is an ordinary boarding school, but the truth is it also serves as a home and shelter for the young mutants with extraordinary powers... collectively known as the X-Men.

*'''Kiera:''' Daddy?!!
:'''Relius Clover:''' Samos has agreed to let me care for the Tesseract.
:'''Kiera:''' He has?
:'''Relius Clover:''' Of course. He knows I'm good with technology.
:'''Sol Badguy:''' And he knows you'll double cross him at the drop of your helmet! ''[Fires his optic blasts at Relius, destroying Samos' chair]''
:''[Samos laughs and reveals himself to be Tira]''
:'''Tira:''' Well, that's no way to treat a lady, Fredric. ''[Launches the remains of Samos' chair at the X-Men]''
:''[Silver builds a wall of ice to protect the X-Men, but gets knocked out by a piece of the chair. Sol shoots more optic blasts at Tira who dodges them and runs out with Relius]''
:'''Kiera:''' Make sure the children are protected. I'll take care of these two. ''[Runs after Tira and Relius, with Silver following]''
:''[In the corridor, Relius and Tira run past Winston, who is carrying a pile of papers]''
:'''Winston:''' ''[Oblivious]'' No running in the hallway, please.
:''[Kiera runs past Winston, but Silver runs into him]''
:'''Winston:''' How many times must I say it? NO RUNNING IN THE HALLWAYS! ''[Sees that Kiera and Silver are chasing Relius and Tira]'' Oh. ''[Follows them]''

*'''Winston:''' Oh my stars and garters!
:'''Kiera:''' What does that even mean?
:''[Sol, Terry and Samos enter]''
:'''Kiera:''' Relius got away.
:'''Samos the Sage:''' That is most unfortunate. I think that means we'll owe The general a few favors.

===Chapter 9 - Doctor in the House===
*'''Maria Hill:''' Deep in Central Europe lies a small nation known as Latveria, ruled by Victor Von Doom. Don't let the rustic look of Doctor Doom's castle fool you; it has incredibly advanced weaponry hidden behind its stone walls. Even really good internet.

*'''Human Torch:''' Local weather is dreary with an 80 per cent chance of bad guys.
:'''Nick Fury:''' And a 100 per cent chance of incoming fire.

*'''Reed Richards:''' ''[Using his body as a parachute]'' I saw this in a movie once.

*'''Sue Storm:''' Ben, I believe some clobberin' is in order.
:'''Thing:''' Aw, Sue... Ya ruined my line!

*'''Green Goblin:''' What? No Spider-Man? Shame! ''[Knocks Human Torch out with a Pumpkin bomb]'' I do so enjoy winding him up.

*'''Doctor Doom:''' Fools! Don't force me to use Dr. Doom's Doom Ray... of Doom! ''[Pulls his ray gun on the Fantastic Four and Nick Fury]''
:'''Nick Fury:''' Does that look like a ray gun to you, Reed?
:'''Reed Richards:''' Usually ray guns use focused light whereas this appears to use cosmic energy.
:'''Human Torch:''' Why don't you just ask him? Villains love to talk about their stuff. Hey, Doom, what is that thing?
:'''Doctor Doom:''' Oh, you'd like to see it in action? Very well! ''[Tries to fire it, but nothing happens]''
:''[Loki causes some rubble to fall onto the Fantastic Four and Nick Fury]''

===Chapter 10 - That Sinking Feeling===
*'''Maria Hill:''' S.H.I.E.L.D. Research Submarines are extremely useful for taking the fight to bad guys while underwater. These subs feature advanced tracking equipment, ideal for locating enemies or items of interest.

*'''Iron Man:''' Don't tell me you got here on a really long spider line?
:'''Spider-Man:''' Uh, no. You're not the only one that can fly. ''[Camera pans up to reveal a helicopter with Spider-Man's web line on it]'' Compliments of Mr. Nick Fury and S.H.I.E.L.D.
:'''Iron Man:''' You know, I could fit you with a rocket-propelled iron suit, if you'd like.
:'''Spider-Man:''' Sounds... heavy.

*'''MODOK:''' I am MODOK! I am designed only for conquest!

*'''Doctor Doom:''' Really? With the banging? REALLY?
:'''Spider-Man:''' Hey, doc, why do you need all those Cosmic Bricks?
:'''Doctor Doom:''' I don't share my plans with insects!
:'''Iron Man:''' How 'bout a god, then?
:''[Thor hits the submarine with Mjolnir]''

*'''Magneto:''' ''[Controlling the Statue of Liberty]'' You need to mind your manners around a lady.

===Chapter 11 - Taking Liberties===
*'''Maria Hill:''' Roxxon undisputedly leads the world in energy production. Its power plant, located a short distance from New York, is rumored to contain some kind of experimental reactor core.

*'''Hulk:''' HULK PUNCH BIG LADY!
:'''Reed Richards:''' Hulk, be careful! She's a national treasure! And her hat is really pointy!

*'''Wolverine:''' I don't get it? How did that burn a metal statue's hand?
:'''Reed Richards:''' I actually have a theory about-
:'''Wolverine:''' Don't actually care, bub!

*'''Mastermind:''' Greetings, I am the mind's master! You can call me... MASTERMIND!!! I have the only TRULY unbeatable mutant power... to control your mind!

*'''Magneto:''' Off with her head! ''[Makes the Statue of Liberty remove her head and throw it into space, with Reed Richards, Hulk and Wolverine hanging on]''

===Chapter 12 - Rapturous Rise===
*'''Maria Hill:''' Unfortunately, little intelligence exists concerning this mysterious island. For some reason it doesn't appear on our maps - and we have VERY good maps! Lots of vegetation and some evidence of military structures... but that's about all...

*'''Donvalve:''' Someone brought the dinosaurs back?
:'''Sora:''' Best guess is they're from the Savage Land. But why would they be here?

*'''Relius Clover:''' Ah, you've arrived just in time to see me and my island... RISE!
:'''Sora:''' He's quite the showman. And he's got a flying island? Is this some sort of Snake trick?
:'''Donvalve:''' Like I know. Just hang on!
:''[They find themselves surrounded by Raptors, but May shows up to save them]''
:'''May:''' Sora, Donvalve... Samos sends his regards.
:'''Sora:''' May!
:'''Donvalve:''' Hey, a Pirate ain't such a bad trade-up. 'Specially for Johnny.

*'''Relius Clover:''' I see you've enjoyed playing with my pets. Let's see if you enjoy playing with this one...
:'''Donvalve:''' Bring it!
:''[Roadhog appears]''
:'''Roadhog:''' Why'd you come after me here? I just wanna be left alone! RRAAWRRARR!

*'''Donvalve:''' What's that metal-bendin' gun doing? Enhancin' his powers or something?
:'''Sora:''' Well, then, let's de-power him... ''[Throws his keyblade at Relius and disarms him, but Relius reveals himself to be-]''
:'''May:''' Tira?! Of course! ''[Bounds Tira up with electric chains]'' That should hold her.
:'''Donvalve:''' So where'd Relius go?
:'''Relius Clover:''' I see that a rise in elevation does not equate to a rise in one's I.Q., Don.

*'''Iron Man:''' ''[Emerging from the Submarine thrown by the Statue of Liberty]'' Hey, wow. Remind me not to make &quot;The Submarine Toss&quot; part of my Starkland theme park, OK?
:'''Spider-Man:''' And yet you're keeping the Iron Man musical?

===Chapter 13 - Magnetic Personality===
*'''Maria Hill:''' That's... Magneto's space station, Asteroid M! We don't know much about it but it's sure to be swarming with bad guys and booby traps! Any S.H.E.I.L.D. agent attempting to gain entry should proceed with EXTREME caution...

*'''Spider-Man:''' ''[Taking a bath]'' Hey, guys. Hope you don't mind, no hot water at the apartment.

*'''Magneto:''' This whole station bends to my will, literally. Do you really think you can defeat me here?

*'''Magneto:''' ''[Hanging upside -down]'' Doctor Doom! I require your assistance!
:'''Loki:''' Ignore him. We must focus on the task at hand.
:'''Magneto:''' ''[Thrown into space]'' Oh dear. ''[Falls to Earth]''

===Chapter 14 - Doom With A View===
*'''Maria Hill:''' We've collated all of our data from every S.H.I.E.L.D. agent and Avenger throughout the world, and we've managed to ascertain that Doctor Doom... is definitely... up to something bad. I know that's not much to go on, but it is a start, right?

*'''Doctor Doom:''' My time is at hand! Soon all on Earth will bow to Doom!
:'''Loki:''' Yes, the Earth. It's such an important part of my revenge.
:'''Iron Man:''' Thanks, but we'll do all the avenging around here.
:'''Spider-Man:''' And lookie, Loki and his pal have a big, bad megaweapon.
:'''Doctor Doom:''' You simpletons have no idea the danger that is right in front of you. I have created this Doom Ray to defend the planet from destruction. Also, to destroy all resistance to my benevolent rule.
:'''Iron Man:''' Defend the Earth from what?
:'''Doctor Doom:''' I'll hold them off, you finish my weapon.
:'''Loki:''' ''[Controlling Doctor Doom]'' Excellent suggestion...

===Chapter 15 - The Good, the Bad and the Hungry===
*'''Maria Hill:''' Galactus: Devourer of Worlds! If our own intelligence is to be believed -- we got it off an internet site -- he's as old as the Universe itself!  ''[Reading]'' &quot;His hunger is unrelenting and will consume any planet unfortunate enough to cross his path...&quot; That can't be good!

*'''Hulk:''' HULK THOR SMASH!

==Voice Cast==
* Adrian Pasdar as Tony Stark/Iron Man
* Fred Tatasciore as Hulk &amp; Dr. Doom
* Dave Boat as The Thing &amp; Venom
* James Arnold Taylor as Peter Parker/Spider-Man, Silver Surfer &amp; Professor Charles Xavier
* Roger Craig Smith as Steve Rogers/Captain America &amp; Human Torch
* Dee Bradley Baker as Reed Richards &amp; Sandman
* Steve Blum as Wolverine, Abomination &amp; Red Skull
* Travis Willingham as Thor
* John Eric Bentley as Nick Fury
* Nolan North as Magneto, Deadpool &amp; Green Goblin
* Troy Baker as Loki
* John DiMaggio as Galactus, Mandarin &amp; J. Jonah Jameson
* Stan Lee as himself

==External links==
{{Wikipedia}}

[[Category:2013 video games]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Next of Kin (film)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>202988</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153629</id>
      <parentid>3153359</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T18:38:16Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>174.215.221.97</ip>
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      <model>wikitext</model>
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      <text bytes="4653" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Next of Kin (1989 film)|Next of Kin]]''''' is a [[w:1989 in film|1989]] American action thriller film about a Chicago cop, brought up in [[w:Appalachia|Appalachia]], who sets out to find the killer of his brother. Meanwhile, another of his brothers decides to find the killer himself.
:''Directed by [[w:John Irvin|John Irvin]]. Written by Michael Jenning.''
&lt;center&gt;'''An Eye For An Eye, A Tooth For A Tooth.'''[[#Taglines|taglines]]&lt;/center&gt;

== Truman Gates ==
* They're coming for you, Willy. I know you'll take a couple of them with you for sure, but they'll take you just the same. Or we can take a ride to the station together, just a couple of boys from the hills. You got my word on that. I know you ain't scared to die, Willy. But this ain't no place to leave your ghost.

* ''[to Joey Rosselini at the cemetery]'' It's your mistake, Rosselini. When you set up my brother, you forgot to kill me.

* I got three counties' worth of kin that expect a certain amount of justice for that death! I'm just trying to save both of us a lot of bloodletting.

== Briar Gates ==
* This land's mine!... I can go out and take a piss on it in the middle on the night if I want to!

* ''[after shooting the arcade games and the mob's Chinese food with his shotgun during the interrogation]'' How's your memory doin' now, boys? Gerald Gates, shot in the back of one of your trucks.

* I found out more in two hours than you did in two weeks. I know who killed Gerald.

* I should have waited for you. We could have whooped 'em together.

== Joey Rossellini ==
* ''[after Briar Gates shot the water cooler above him, soaking him]'' You just made the worst mistake of your life!

* Find him, take care of him. I don't care if you have to go through every flophouse in Uptown!

* ''[outside the Jimmy Woo Chinese restaurant yelling after seeing the line &quot;You forgot one&quot; on the car's windshield]'' '''ANYWHERE HE WANTS!!!!''' Any fucking ''place'' he wants!

* ''[to Truman Gates at the cemetery]'' That's why I'm here.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Truman Gates''': ''[about his family]'' Listen, you'd best wait here. They ain't real quick to strangers.
:'''Jessie Gates''': I'm your wife.
:'''Truman Gates''': No I ain't talking about you, honey. I'm talking about me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Truman Gates''': I'm just trying to make things easier.
:'''Gerald Gates''': Bullshit. You're just as bad as Briar. Just smoother.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Joey Rosselini''': You know, Gerald, I've dealt with niggers, kikes, pollacks, chinks, spics. God made it, I've seen it. But you fucking hillbillies, you are the dumbest that I've met!
:'''Gerald Gates''': ''[Spits on him]'' Go to Hell!
:'''Joey Rosselini''': ''[Takes out gun]'' You know, Gerald, I gotta hand it to you, you got balls. Stupid as shit, but major balls.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lawrence Isabella''': I've heard a lot about you.
:'''Joey Rosselini''': Yeah? Good things, I hope.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lawrence Isabella''': I haven't done anything illegal.
:'''Truman Gates''': Oh really? Well I had an interesting talk with a fellow last night who claims different. My man says you were in the back of the truck when my brother was killed.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''John Isabella''': I'm truly sorry about your brother. It's too bad.
:'''Truman Gates''': Oh no sir. You ain't seen bad yet, but its coming.

== Taglines ==
* An Eye For An Eye, A Tooth For A Tooth.

* A man murdered in cold blood. But they didn't count on his brother's revenge!

== Cast ==
* [[w:Patrick Swayze|Patrick Swayze]] - Truman Gates
* [[w:Liam Neeson|Liam Neeson]] - Briar Gates
* [[w:Adam Baldwin|Adam Baldwin]] - Joey Rossellini
* [[w:Helen Hunt|Helen Hunt]] - Jessie Gates
* [[w:Bill Paxton|Bill Paxton]] - Gerald Gates
* [[w:Ben Stiller|Ben Stiller]] - Lawrence Isabella
* [[w:Andreas Katsulas|Andreas Katsulas]] - Johnny Isabella
* [[w:Michael J. Pollard|Michael J. Pollard]] - Harold
* [[w:Ted Levine|Ted Levine]] - Willy Simpson
* [[w:Del Close|Del Close]] - Frank
* Valentino Cimo - Rhino
* [[w:Paul Greco|Paul Greco]] - Leo
* Vincent Guastaferro - Paulie
* [[w:Paul Herman|Paul Herman]] - Tony Antonelli

== External links ==
{{wikipedia|Next of Kin (1989 film)}}
* {{imdb title|id=0097967|title=Next of Kin}}
* {{Rotten-tomatoes|1014946-next_of_kin|Next of Kin}}
* {{amg movie|35147|Next of Kin}}
* {{Mojo title|nextofkin}}

[[Category: 1989 films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Films about revenge]]
[[Category:Films set in Chicago]]
[[Category:Independent films]]
[[Category:Mafia films]]
[[Category:Vigilante films]]
[[Category:Action thriller films]]
[[Category:Films set in Kentucky]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Breaking Bad (season 2)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>205598</id>
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      <id>3153631</id>
      <parentid>3151950</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T18:53:26Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>208.66.25.250</ip>
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      <comment>/* Better Call Saul [2.08] */</comment>
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----
:'''Season''' [[Breaking Bad (season 1)|1]] [[Breaking Bad (season 2)|2]] [[Breaking Bad (season 3)|3]] [[Breaking Bad (season 4)|4]] [[Breaking Bad (season 5)|5]] | [[Breaking Bad|'''Main''']]
----

'''''[[w:Breaking Bad|Breaking Bad]]''''' (2008–2013) was a critically acclaimed American [[w:AMC (TV channel)|AMC]] drama about a 50-year-old high school [[chemistry]] teacher, Walter White, (played by [[w:Bryan Cranston|Bryan Cranston]]) who discovers that he has terminal lung cancer. Walter decides to use his extensive knowledge of chemistry to enter the drug trade and produce [[w:crystal methamphetamine|crystal methamphetamine]], using the profits to provide for his family after his death. The term to &quot;break bad&quot; is American Southeast slang meaning to turn against one's previously lawful lifestyle for one of criminal acts, usually at the cost of someone else's life or well-being.

=== ''Seven-Thirty-Seven'' [2.01] ===

:'''[[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad)|Walter]]''': Adjusting for inflation &amp;ndash; good state college &amp;ndash; adjusting for inflation, say $45,000 a year, two kids, four years of college...$360,000. Remaining mortgage on the home, $107,000. Home equity line, $30,000, that's $137,000. Cost of living, food, clothing, utilities &amp;ndash; say, two grand a month? I mean, that should put a dent in it, anyway. 24K a year provides for, say, ten years. That's $240,000, plus 360 plus 137...seven thirty-seven. $737,000, that's what I need. That is what I need. You and I both clear about 70 grand a week. That's only ten and a half more weeks. Call it eleven. Eleven more drug deals and always in a public place from now on. It's doable. Definitely doable.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''[[w:Jesse Pinkman|Jesse]]''': Oh, we are dead. Dead men! ''Muerto'', or ''muerte'', or however the hell you...Jesus...
:'''Walter''': This is conjecture.
:'''Jesse''': This is conjecture?
:'''Walter''': Conjecture, yes. And conjecture isn't helping.
:'''Jesse''': Oh, my conjecture isn't helping?
:'''Walter''': Could you just state the facts?
:'''Jesse''': Alright, fine, facts in. Fact A: my phone rang like eight times last night. Dead air, hang-ups every time. Second fact? Like three in the morning, I saw that black Caddy of his cruising my neighborhood. No headlights.
:'''Walter''': No, if he wanted to kill us, he would have done it at the junkyard.
:'''Jesse''': What is that? Conjecture? Are you basing that on that he's got a normal, healthy brain or something? Did you not see him beat a dude to death for, like, nothing? And that way&amp;ndash;that way he just kept staring at us. Saying, &quot;You're done.&quot; You're done?! You wanna know what that means? I will tell you what that means! That means exactly how it sounds, yo! Alright, we are witnesses, we are loose ends! Right now, Tuco's thinking, &quot;Yeah, hey, they cook good meth, but can I trust them?&quot; What happens when he decides &quot;no&quot;?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[Jesse is explaining how he will kill Tuco]''
:'''Jesse''': Alright, say we set up one last sale - this is ''providing'' he doesn't decide to ''waste us'' before then. Now every time we bring in a new batch, he always tests the product, right? So... as his head is down, y'know giving it a snort, just: pop, pop, pop!
:'''Walter''': Pop, pop, pop? So, three shots?
:'''Jesse''': Yeah, three shots, or I dunno, two?
:'''Walter''': No, wait- so is it two or is it three?
:'''Jesse''': I mean, two would probably work, I guess, yeah.
:'''Walter''': Okay, two shots. Two shots in the chest, two shots in the face, what?
:'''Jesse''': Man, c'mon-
:'''Walter''': ''No'', I am just trying to understand how this works! ''[pause]'' Okay. Alright, we'll put a pin in that - but by ''now'', the big guy, Gonzo, he's probably coming at you, right?
:'''Jesse''': Yeah...
:'''Walter''': Right, so you turn towards him-
:'''Jesse''': Yeah, just ''wheel on him-''
:'''Walter''': -and then, how many shots for him? I mean, he's a big guy, right? How many shots does that take?
:'''Jesse''': I dunno, three? Three shots?
:'''Walter''': Okay, three shots. Okay, Tuco and Gonzo, two men down...now, is there anyone else there? I mean, Tuco is ''usually'' with someone else, right? Maybe even a couple of guys, his- his dealers, his posse? ''[Jesse slumps in defeat]'' Alright. So, we'll put a pin in that one, too. Now at this point, how many shots have been fired? I mean, you've gotta be running low, right? How many bullets does that gun even take?
:''[Jesse tries to open the gun to check]''
:'''Walter''': How can you suggest that we kill a man and you can't even ''open the gun''? It's not that easy, is it?
:'''Jesse''': Hey, man, Walt...you did it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jesse''': Look, it's got five bullets. I finally figured out how to...''[Jesse struggles to open the gun]''...look, I just finally...''[Jesse gets it open]''...I figured it out. I say we get a second gun. Right? For you? I mean, don't we like double our chances? I mean, mathematically?
:'''Walter''': I've got a better idea.
:'''Jesse''': Oh, thank God! Alright, what is it, Mr. White? Lay it on me.
:'''Walter''': ''[holds up a small bag of...]'' Beans.
:'''Jesse''': Beans?
:'''Walter''': They're castor beans.
:'''Jesse''': So what are we gonna do with them? Are we just gonna grow a magic beanstalk, huh? Climb it and escape?
:'''Walter''': We are going to process them into ricin.
:'''Jesse''': Rice and beans?
:'''Walter''': ''[rolls his eyes]'' ''Ricin.'' It's an extremely effective poison. It's toxic in small doses. Also fairly easy to overlook during an autopsy.
:'''Jesse''': Alright. Alright, so...
:'''Walter''': ''[slaps Jesse's hand away from the beans]'' Don't touch them!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''[[w:Skyler White|Skyler]]''': I need support. Me, the almost forty year old pregnant woman with the surprise baby on the way. And the husband with lung cancer who disappears for hours on end and I don't know where he goes and he barely even speaks to me anymore. With the moody son who does the same thing. And the overdrawn checking account. And the lukewarm water heater that leaks rusty looking crap and is rotting out the floor of the utility closet and we can't even afford to fix it! But ''oh'', I see! Now I'm supposed to go, &quot;Hank, please, what can I possibly do to further benefit my spoiled, kleptomaniac bitch sister who somehow always manages to be the center of attention?&quot; 'Cause God knows she's the one with the really important problems!

=== ''Grilled'' [2.02] ===
:'''Tuco''': Last two days, I couldn’t get Gonzo on the phone. He’s been acting all pouty on account of No Doze. Explain to me. How is it my fault that that little ''bitch'' did not know his place? ''[pause]'' I saw this coming. I can see the future, you know? It’s this gift that I have deep inside my head. I knew last night they were gonna come try and bust me. Gonzo...he went and snitched to the ''cops!'' That LOUSY SON OF A ''BITCH!'' I TRUSTED HIM LIKE A BROTHER! ''[takes knife]'' I WAS GOOD TO HIM! I WAS '''GOOD!!!!''' I see Gonzo, ''[starts stabbing the table with the knife]'' I'M GONNA '''GUT HIM''', I'M GONNA '''SKIN HIM''', AND I'M GONNA STUFF HIS HIDE FOR A '''HEAVY ''BAG!!!!!!!''''' And every time I hit him, IT'S GONNA BE LIKE A LESSON TO MYSELF! '''YOU NEVER, ''NEVER'' TRUST THE PEOPLE THAT YOU LOVE!'''
:'''[[w:Jesse Pinkman|Jesse]]''': ''[long pause]'' So, you plan to, uh, ice Gonzo, like...future tense?
:'''Tuco''': What?
:'''[[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad)|Walter]]''': You're saying, Tuco, you're saying Gonzo is currently operating as a police informant as far as you know? ''[Tuco nods]'' I'm very sorry to hear that. That's disappointing.
:'''Jesse''': Yeah. I would waste him, too, yo.
:'''Tuco''': Shut up.
:'''Jesse''': Okay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''[[w:Marie Schrader|Marie]]''': Chemotherapy and marijuana go together like apple pie and Chevrolet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Walter and Jesse lament over their failed attempt at poisoning Tuco with a meth sample laced with ricin]''
:'''Walter''': Chili powder. Did I not already tell you how moronic that was?
:'''Jesse''': Whatever, man. At least I tried something. Hey, it almost worked, too. How's about you leaving my gun, huh? First you boost it, then you leave it in your house. ''My'' gun.
:'''Walter''': How was I supposed to know you were chauffeuring Tuco to my doorstep?
:'''Jesse''': Well, at least he wants you alive.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Walter''': We need a plan.
:'''Jesse''': Think, think. Let's just bum rush him, man. You know, you crack him over the head with something and I'll go for his gun.
:'''Walter''': Crack him over the head with something? ''[Walter sarcastically holds up a fly swatter]''
:'''Jesse''': You got the C, man, alright? You're as good as checked out already, okay? You should be all like sacrificial, jumping on a grenade, yo. Just...
:'''Walter''': Oh, so my life is not the priority here because I'm gonna be dead soon anyway? That's your point?
:'''Jesse''': Uh, yeah?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Hector, Tuco's invalid uncle, keeps ringing his bell after catching Walter and Jesse attempting to poison Tuco's food]''
:'''Tuco''': What? What do you want?! No. Don't even tell me you're hungry. Don't go there. ''[Tuco notices Hector is staring at Walter and Jesse]'' Hahaha! Are you mad doggin' them, ''tio''? What, you don't like them? ''[Hector rings the bell]'' One ding. That means yes. ''Tio'' don't like you. Why don't you like them, ''tio''? You don't trust them? ''[Hector rings the bell]'' Why don't you trust them, tio?
:'''Walter''': Tuco, c'mon, hey, he's, there's clearly some dementia. He's not lucid.
:'''Tuco''': Shh! Did they do something to you, ''tio''? Was it something that you don't like? ''[Hector rings the bell]'' What did they do to you? ''WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY TIO?!''
:'''Walter''': Nothing, nothing.
:'''Tuco''': ''BULLSHIT! MY TIO DOES NOT LIE!''
:'''Walter''': I don't know. I swear, I don't know. I, no, I, it, maybe it was, I did change the channel on his TV, but, uh...
:'''Jesse''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's it. While you were cooking, you know, he was watching one of those, uh, those, uh, telenovels, y'know, with all those ripe honeys on it? Y'know, he was really into it. I told you not to change the channel, man! Y'know, dude needs his eye candy. That's it!
:'''Tuco''': Hahahahaha! ''Tio!'' Is that it, ''tio?'' Is that it, ''tio?'' Did they change your ''mamitas?'' ''[Hector is silent]'' What are you telling me, ''tio?'' Huh? Are they punking me? ''[Hector rings the bell]''
:''[Tuco slowly walks toward Jesse]''
:'''Jesse''': Hey...no...no, man. No...
:'''Tuco''': ''COME HERE!''
:'''Jesse''': Don't shoot!
:''[Tuco grabs Jesse and drags him outside]''
:'''Walter''': No, no, Tuco!
:''[Walter runs after them as Tuco begins to beat up Jesse]''
:'''Walter''': Tuco...
:'''Tuco''': ''SHUT UP!''
:''[Tuco punches Jesse in the stomach and points the rifle at his head]''
:'''Jesse''': No, please, no! God, please, no! Oh God, I don't wanna die!
:'''Tuco''': Tell me what you did, Walter!
:'''Jesse''': Jesus, I don't wanna die! NO!
:'''Tuco''': ''TELL ME WHAT YOU DID!''
:''[Walter notices Jesse has dug up a rock]''
:'''Walter''': We tried to poison you. We tried to poison you because you are an insane, degenerate piece of filth and you deserve to die.
:''[Jesse bashes Tuco in the face with the rock. He drops the rifle into a shallow pit. Walter grabs it as Tuco and Jesse scuffle on the ground. Jesse manages to grab a small pistol tucked into Tuco's belt and shoots Tuco in the gut. Tuco screams in pain]''
:'''Jesse''': ''[kicking Tuco into the shallow pit]'' Who's the bitch now?!
:'''Walter''': Let him bleed.

=== ''Bit by a Dead Bee'' [2.03] ===

:'''[[w:Marie Schrader|Marie]]''': Well, which supermarket? Is it like a big one? Like a chain?
:'''[[w:Skyler White|Skyler]]''': Marie...
:'''Marie''': Don't get me wrong. I think it's just great that he's, y'know, back and he's feeling better. I just, I mean, he...naked. He was ''naked'' naked in a supermarket. It wasn't Whole Foods, was it?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[Hank is interrogating Jesse about his car being found at Tuco's hideout]''
:'''[[w:Hank Schrader|Hank]]''': So who's your chief, little Injun?
:'''[[w:Jesse Pinkman|Jesse]]''': What? What does that even mean?
:'''Hank''': It means I think your story's bullshit. I think you know who Tuco Salamanca was. I think your car was there because ''you'' were there. Tuco had a bullet in him when I got there and I think you know something about that, too.
:'''Jesse''': So what're you saying? Like, I shot someone with, like, a gun?
:'''Hank''': You? No. Only shooting that you do is into a Kleenex.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[Walter is in therapy to help treat his &quot;fugue state&quot;]
:'''[[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad)|Walter]]''': Look, doctor, I feel fine. Really. Now, if this is ''truly'' necessary, can't I continue as an outpatient?
:'''Therapist''': Walt, a fugue state is a very serious event. What if you were to disassociate when you were driving? What if you were to get into a situation where you could be shot by the police? You understand we can't allow you to leave, until we're certain what happened is a non-recurring event. Saying you feel fine doesn't solve this.
:''[Walter considers this]''
:'''Walter''': Would you tell me about patient confidentiality?
:'''Therapist''': It's very straightforward; without your permission, I can't disclose anything you tell me to anyone.
:'''Walter''': What about my family?
:'''Therapist''': Not to your family, not to the police, not to anyone. The only exception would be if you threatened to kill someone...then I'd be able to tell that person, but only that person.
:'''Walter''': And you - as a medical practitioner - you abide by these strictures absolutely?
:'''Therapist''': Yes.
:'''Walter''': Alright...there was no fugue state. I remember everything. ''[stands up, removes tubing]'' The truth is... I couldn't stand to spend another second in that house. I just had to...get out, and so I left. I didn't think about it, I just did it. I-I walked for a long time, and when I couldn't walk anymore, I hitchhiked. I got as far as Gallup... ''[sighs]'' ...and then it was just time to come home.
:'''Therapist''': So, being found naked in a supermarket; that was your way of giving credibility to a lie, of avoiding questions about your disappearance? Why run away? What did you feel you had to run from?
:'''Walter''': Doctor, my wife is seven months pregnant with a baby we didn't intend. My fifteen-year old son has cerebral palsy. I am an extremely overqualified high school chemistry teacher. When I can work, I make $43,700 per year. I have watched all of my colleagues and friends surpass me in every way imaginable, and within eighteen months, I will be dead. And you ask why I ran?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[Hank and Gomez have had Tuco's uncle Hector brought to the interrogation room in hopes that he'll identify Jesse]''
:'''Hank''': Gomie, you want to do the honors?
:'''Gomez''': ''Buenos tardes, Señor Salamanca. Entiendes el ingles?'' ''[&quot;Good evening, Mr. Salamanca. Do you understand English?&quot;]''
:''[Hector rings the bell]''
:'''Hank''': What does that mean?
:'''Nurse''': That means &quot;yes&quot;. &quot;Yes&quot; is a bell, &quot;no&quot; is no bell.
:'''Jesse''': Oh c'mon, this is bullshit! I mean look at this dude, alright? He doesn't even know what planet he's living on!
:'''Gomez''': ''Señor'', are we on the planet Mars? ''[no bell]'' Are we on the planet Saturn? ''[no bell]'' Are we on the planet Earth? ''[Hector rings the bell]'' ''Señor'', is today Friday? ''[no bell]'' Is today Monday? ''[no bell]'' Is today Tuesday? ''[Hector rings the bell]''
:'''Hank''': Okay, seems like he's all there. Let's go for it.
:'''Gomez''': ''Señor'', was this man at your house yesterday? ''[Hector does nothing]'' Señor, was this man at your house yesterday?
:'''Hank''': This guy right here, he was at your house, right? Was he doing business with your nephew Tuco?
:'''Gomez''': ''Señor'', are you scared of this man?
:'''Hank''': Nah, he's not scared. C'mon granddad, why don't you wanna help us out?
:''[Hector turns to Hank, stands up, and defecates in his chair]''
:'''Gomez''': Oh man!
:'''Hank''': I guess that's a &quot;no&quot;....

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Walter''': Pay phone?
:'''Jesse''': Pay phone, middle of nowhere, nobody followed. So how'd it go?
:'''Walter''': Okay. You?
:'''Jesse''': They sweated me plenty, but they finally cut me loose. So you getting out of there?
:'''Walter''' Tomorrow. So who came for you? The DEA? What'd they ask you?
:'''Jesse''': Yeah, that's the thing, y'know? Your scumbag brother-in-law took my rainy day fund.
:'''Walter''': Your what? What is that?
:'''Jesse''': My rainy day fund, $68,000, okay? Cue ball son of a bitch laughed in my face. Now I got, like, eighty bucks to my name.
:'''Walter''': Wait, wait, what does he know? Does he know it's your money?
:'''Jesse''': No, man, he doesn't know shit, okay? The plan worked. He bought it. I got bills due, man. I'm screwed.
:'''Walter''': Did he mention my name?
:'''Jesse''': No, thanks for caring.
:'''Walter''': How about the basement?
:'''Jesse''': It's clean.
:'''Walter''': And the RV?
:'''Jesse''': Badger's cousin took it to his garage. It's safe.
:'''Walter''': Can he get it running again?
:'''Jesse''': Why?
:'''Walter''': So we can cook.
:'''Jesse''': You still wanna cook? Seriously?
:'''Walter''': What's changed, Jesse?

=== ''Down'' [2.04] ===

:'''[[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad)|Walter]]''': ''[to Skyler]'' Our son doesn't know who [[w:Boz Scaggs|Boz Scaggs]] is. We have failed as parents.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[Movers are taking away Jesse's things]''
:'''[[w:Jesse Pinkman|Jesse]]''': Hey, hey! What the hell, yo? I thought this was just a wake-up call!
:'''Mrs. Pinkman''': We are putting it in storage. When you decide to grow up, you can have it back.
:'''Jesse''': No, why don't you grow up, mom? Ginny wanted me here! Alright, I was the one who took care of her. Alright, I took her to her appointments and made her lunch everyday. I earned this!
:'''Mrs. Pinkman''': You did not make her lunch everyday.
:'''Jesse''': What'd you do, huh? She's lying there dying, and where the hell are you?
:'''Mrs. Pinkman''': Don't start with me.
:'''Jesse''': And now what? You decided to, oh I don't know, make your eldest son homeless? Wow, great family, mom!
:''[Mrs. Pinkman slaps Jesse]''
:'''Mrs. Pinkman''': Why are you like this?! Why?! ''[pause]'' You have two sets of keys and the padlock to the garage. Leave them on the kitchen counter when you leave.
:'''Jesse''': No, mom, mom, mom! Hey, where am I supposed to go?
:'''Mrs. Pinkman''': I don't know, sweetheart. But please, turn your life around.
:'''Jesse''': Yeah, yeah, this is gonna help big time with that. BITCH!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[Walter picks up the phone]''
:'''Walter''': White residence.
:'''Jesse''': Yo, it's me. Is this a good time?
:'''Walter''': What part of &quot;no contact&quot; didn't you understand?
:'''Jesse''': I know, but there's a problem.
:'''Walter''': I don't care. We agreed...''[Skyler walks by]''...no amount of pay-per-view channels is going to make a difference. Honey, we're happy with our cable provider, right? Yep, we're happy. ''[Walter hangs up]''
:...
:'''Walter''': What?
:'''Jesse''': Yo, I get that I shouldn't call, but I'm in a situation over here and I need my money.
:'''Walter''': I ''just'' gave you $600.
:'''Jesse''': Yeah, and thanks, Daddy Warbucks, but that was before my housing situation went ''completely testicular'' on me, okay?!
:'''Walter''': You smoked the entire 600, didn't you.
:'''Jesse''': What? No!
:'''Walter''': Yes!
:'''Jesse''': '''No!'''
:'''Walter''': Look, Jesse. Your problems are just that: ''your'' problems. No contact! Do not call here ever! When the moment is right, I will call-
:'''Jesse''': Mr. White, you're not listening-
:'''Walter''': No, no, no! ''[hangs up]''
:'''Jesse''': They're kicking me out of my house!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''[[w:Skyler White|Skyler]]''': Okay, don't talk, Walt! Shut up and say something that isn't complete bullshit! You want to know what you have to do? You have to tell me what's really going on right now &amp;ndash; today. No more excuses, no more apologies, no more of these...these obvious desperate breakfasts! You don't wanna lose contact with me, Walt? Good. Then tell me. Now.
:''[long pause]''
:'''Walter''': Tell you what?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[Walter sees Jesse's RV parked in front of his house]''
:'''Walter''': What the f...?
:''[Walter knocks on the door and Jesse lets him in]''
:'''Jesse''': Yo, I'm really sorry, okay?
:'''Walter''': What is wrong with you? Why are you blue? Aw Jesus...
:'''Jesse''': Long story. Let's just say it starts with my parents being greedy kleptomaniac douchebags.
:'''Walter''': Are you actually this stupid...
:'''Jesse''': No, look, I know this isn't an optimal situation...
:'''Walter''': ...to come to my house, and park on my street, driving this vehicle? I mean, what the hell is wrong with you?! I'm really asking!
:'''Jesse''': Nothing. I'm sorry, I just...
:'''Walter''': What if Skyler had seen you, huh? What then? What was the plan then, genius? Hm?
:'''Jesse''': I don't know.
:'''Walter''': You don't know. You know why you don't know? Because you don't think! That's why! You don't think! You never figured out how to think, did you, big man?
:'''Jesse''': Hey, I said I was sorry, alright? I just need my half of the money and I'll go!
:'''Walter''': Your half? There is no your half of the money! There is only my all of it, do you understand?! Why, why should I be penalized because of your sloppiness?!
:''[Walter pushes Jesse]''
:'''Jesse''': Look, that is completely uncool, alright? We agreed 50/50, partners!
:'''Walter''': Partners in what? What exactly do you do here, I've been meaning to ask. Because I'm the producer, right? I cook. But from what I can tell, you are just a drug addict! You are a pathetic junkie too stupid to understand and follow simple rudimentary instructions! Too stupid to&amp;ndash;
:''[Jesse grabs Walter by the head and shoves him into the wall. The two struggle. Jesse pushes Walter to the ground and starts to strangle him. He lifts his fist up to punch Walter.]''
:'''Walter''': ...Do it...
:''[Jesse lowers his fist and collapses next to Walter, both exhausted]''

=== ''Breakage'' [2.05] ===

:'''[[w:Hank Schrader|Hank]]''': So things are quiet, y'know? Not a lot of crystal on the streets right now.
:'''Merkert''': Good.
:'''Hank''': Of course that's not gonna last. I'm waiting to see who's gonna rally the roaches now that his turf is up for grabs.
:'''Merkert''': No takers so far?
:'''Hank''': Well, we keep hearing a name. Heisenberg. Lately pretty much every dimebagger we come across.
:'''Merkert''': Heisenberg?
:'''Hank''': Yeah, I know. Maybe it's a tweaker urban legend. Still, somebody somewhere is cooking that big blue we keep finding.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jesse''': I got profile now, yo. Don't you get that? DEA's up my ass. ''[takes a sip of his beer]'' No, I'm not exposing myself to that level of risk for chump change. - No way.
:'''Walter''': ''[in a calm tone]'' - Then what do you suggest we do? I don't think either of us are eager to jump into bed with another Tuco.
:'''Jesse''': Tuco? No, man ... no more Taco... I got bills, man.
:'''Walter''': ''[squints eyes at Jesse]'' You've got bills? 
:'''Jesse''': Rent, yo. Responsibilities and whatnot. I've already lost more than I've made and I am tired of dicking around out here. ''[takes a sip of his beer]''
:'''Walter''': You wanna know how much I've got left? After completing my first round of treatment and financing the world's most expensive alibi? Zero. Zip. Nothing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jesse''': We got to be Tuco. Alright, cut out the middle man, run our own game.
:'''[[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad)|Walter]]''': So you're going to what? Snort meth off a bowie knife? You're gonna beat your homies to death when they &quot;dis&quot; you?
:'''Jesse''': Look, I know some guys, alright? I can create a network. Look, we control production and distribution. That way we stay off the front lines while moving some serious glass. I mean, the point here is to make money, right? Sky high stacks!
:'''Walter''': No.
:'''Jesse''': No? That's not the point?
:'''Walter''': No, I am not willing to do that!
:'''Jesse''': Who said anything about you?
:'''Walter''': I don't vote for this plan. I'm not comfortable bringing in unknown entities into our operation.
:'''Jesse''': Yeah? Well, you don't get to vote.
:'''Walter''': I beg your pardon? This is a partnership, remember?
:'''Jesse''': I remember, oh, I remember. That you cook, I sell. That was the division of labor when we started all this. And that's exactly how we should have kept it! 'Cause I sure as hell didn't find myself locked in a trunk or on my knees with a GUN to my head before your greedy old ass came along, alright?
:'''Walter''': Alright, I will admit to a bit of a learning curve.
:'''Jesse''': Oh-ho!
:'''Walter''': And perhaps I was overly ambitious. In any case, it's not gonna happen that way anymore.
:'''Jesse''': Yeah, damn straight. Know why? 'Cause we do things my way this time or I walk! You need me more than I need you...Walt.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''[[w:Walter White, Jr.|Walter Jr.]]''': Yeah. Hell yeah. Kick ass and take names.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jesse and Walter meet after Skinny Pete gets robbed]''
:'''Jesse''': ''[hands Walter a paper bag]'' Your half. 15K, that's what I'm talking about. ''[Walter scowls at Jesse]'' Uh, you're welcome? Jesus!
:'''Walter''': Help me understand the math, okay? I gave you one pound, correct? You and I split $2,000 per ounce, $1,000 each. One pound - that's sixteen ounces. Sixteen ounces should net to me $16,000. ''Sixteen'', not fifteen.
:'''Jesse''': ''[quietly]'' Something came up.
:'''Walter''': Something came up?
:'''Jesse''': One of my guys got held up by a couple junkies... lost an ounce. But it's cool, okay? Skinny Pete's cool.
:'''Walter''': Oh-ho! So you're saying that your guy got robbed - or rather, ''you'' got robbed - but, it doesn't matter. Hm?
:'''Jesse''': Dude, it's called breakage, okay? Like Kmart, shit breaks.
:'''Walter''': And you're thinking this is acceptable?
:'''Jesse''': It's the cost of business, yo! You're sweating me over a grand?
:'''Walter''': Hey, look, I'm just the chemist here! I'm not the street guy, ''yo''... but it seems to me that what you call breakage is just you making a fool of yourself. I've got another technical term for you: non-sustainable business model.
:'''Jesse''': You're focusing on the negative. Six grand a ''day'', we're making. What's your problem?
:'''Walter''': What happens when word gets out, and it's open season on these clowns you've hired, hm? Once everyone knows, that ''Jesse Pinkman, drug lord,'' can be robbed with impunity?
:'''Jesse''': Man, come on-
:'''Walter''': You think Tuco had breakage? I guess it's true, he did... he broke bones. He broke the skull of anybody who tried to rip him off.
:'''Jesse''': You want another grand? Is that it?
:'''Walter''': That's not my point.
:'''Jesse''': Take it! Here!
:''[Jesse throws the money into Walter's car. Walter throws it back]''
:'''Jesse''': Look, you got fifteen thousand you didn't have yesterday! Hey, we're making bank; shit happens! My guys get what they're up against, and they're careful. So am I, and you're all tucked in at night with your precious family. So why don't you just stop being such a freak about everything?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Walter''': You asked me what I want you to do.
:''[Walter places a gun in front of Jesse]''
:'''Walter''': I want you to handle it.

=== ''Peekaboo'' [2.06] ===

:'''[[w:Jesse Pinkman|Jesse]]''': You got something for me?
:'''Skinny Pete''': Yeah, I found 'em.
:''[Skinny Pete hands Jesse a piece of paper]''
:'''Jesse''': Is this a five or an S?
:'''Skinny Pete''': Five, yo. No wait...S. No, no...yeah, five.
:'''Jesse''': Yeah? Jesus, how the hell do you spell &quot;street&quot; wrong? S-T-R-E-A-T?
:'''Skinny Pete''': Hey, man, I'm slingin' mad volume and fat stackin' benjis, you know what I'm sayin'? I can't be all about, like, spelling and shit.
:'''Jesse''': Okay. So they got names?
:'''Skinny Pete''': Hers is like, I dunno, she's just his woman is all. Him, they call Spooge.
:'''Jesse''': Spooge? Not Mad Dog? Not Diesel? So lemme get this straight, you got jacked by a guy named Spooge?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad)|Walter]]''': The man who invented the diamond. All right. [[w:Tracy Hall|H. Tracy Hall]] &amp;ndash; write this name down. Dr. Hall invented the first reproducible process for making synthetic diamonds. I mean, this is way back in the 50's. Now today, synthetic diamonds are used in oil drilling, electronics, multi-billion dollar industries. Now at the time, Dr. Hall worked for General Electric and he made them a fortune. I mean, incalculable. You want to know how GE rewarded Dr. Hall? A $10 U.S. savings bond. ''[Walt becomes angry but calms himself]'' Anyway, a savings bond printed on carbon-based paper paid to a carbon-based man for something he made out of...carbon.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Spooge''': I told ya, Diesel, we ain't holding, man.
:'''Spooge's Woman''': We shot it all.
:'''Jesse''': Yeah? You shot an ounce? In a day and a half?
:'''Spooge''': Yeah.
:'''Jesse''': Alright, tell you what. Both of you pull it out your butts right now, or I go grab a flashlight and some pliers and go exploring.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Gretchen''': Let me just get this straight: Elliott and I offered to pay for your treatment, no strings attached &amp;ndash; an offer which still stands, by the way &amp;ndash; and you turn us down out of pride, whatever. And then you tell your wife that in fact we are paying for your treatment. Without our knowledge, against our will, you involve us in your lie, and you sit here and tell me that that is none of my business?
:''[long pause]''
:'''Walter''': Yeah. That's pretty much the size of it.
:'''Gretchen''': What happened to you? Really, Walt? What happened? Because this isn't you.
:'''Walter''': What would you know about me, Gretchen? What would your presumption about me be, exactly? That I should go begging for your charity, and you waving your checkbook around like some magic wand is going to make me forget how you and Elliott &amp;ndash; how you and Elliott &amp;ndash; cut me out?
:'''Gretchen''': What? That can't be how you see it.
:'''Walter''': It was my hard work. My research. And you and Elliott made millions off it.
:'''Gretchen''': That cannot be how you see it.
:'''Walter''': Oh God, that's beautifully done.
:'''Gretchen''': You left.
:'''Walter''': You are always the picture of innocence.
:'''Gretchen''': You left me.
:'''Walter''': The picture of innocence. Just sweetness and light.
:'''Gretchen''': You left me. Fourth of July weekend, you and my father and my brothers. And I go up to our room and you are packing your bags. Barely talking. What, did I dream all that?
:'''Walter''': That's your excuse? To build your little empire on my work?
:'''Gretchen''': How could you say that to me? You walked away, you abandoned us. Me, Elliott...
:'''Walter''': Little rich girl, just adding to your millions.
:'''Gretchen''': I don't even know what to say to you. I don't even know where to begin. I feel so sorry for you, Walt.
:'''Walter''': ''Fuck you.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jesse''': You have a good rest of your life, kid.

=== ''Negro Y Azul'' [2.07] ===

:''[A norteño band has written a song about &quot;Heisenberg&quot;]''&lt;br /&gt;
:The city's called Duke,&lt;br /&gt;
:The state's called New Mexico.&lt;br /&gt;
:Among the gangsters,&lt;br /&gt;
:The gringo's fame is inflated&lt;br /&gt;
:'Cause of the new drug they created.&lt;br /&gt;
:They say the color is blue&lt;br /&gt;
:And the quality pure.&lt;br /&gt;
:The potent drug's runnin'&lt;br /&gt;
:Through the city,&lt;br /&gt;
:And no one could stop it&lt;br /&gt;
:If they wanted to.&lt;br /&gt;
:The cartel's runnin' hot because&lt;br /&gt;
:They weren't getting respect.&lt;br /&gt;
:Talkin' 'bout some &quot;Heisenberg&quot;&lt;br /&gt;
:Who owns the market now.&lt;br /&gt;
:No one knows the man since&lt;br /&gt;
:They've never seen his face.&lt;br /&gt;
:The cartel's 'bout respect&lt;br /&gt;
:And they ain't forgiving.&lt;br /&gt;
:But that homie's dead,&lt;br /&gt;
:He just doesn't know it yet.&lt;br /&gt;
:Heisenberg's fame has got&lt;br /&gt;
:Down to Michoacan.&lt;br /&gt;
:From way far away&lt;br /&gt;
:They want to taste that meth.&lt;br /&gt;
:That blue stuff crossed the border,&lt;br /&gt;
:Now New Mexico's livin' up to its name.&lt;br /&gt;
:Looks just like Mexico&lt;br /&gt;
:In all the drugs it's hiding.&lt;br /&gt;
:Except there's a gringo boss&lt;br /&gt;
:And he's known as &quot;Heisenberg&quot;.&lt;br /&gt;
:The cartel's runnin' hot because&lt;br /&gt;
:They weren't getting respect,&lt;br /&gt;
:Talkin' 'bout some &quot;Heisenberg&quot;&lt;br /&gt;
:Who owns the market now.&lt;br /&gt;
:No one knows the man since&lt;br /&gt;
:They've never seen his face.&lt;br /&gt;
:The fury of the cartel&lt;br /&gt;
:Ain't no one escaped it yet.&lt;br /&gt;
:But that homie's dead,&lt;br /&gt;
:He just doesn't know it yet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Jesse Pinkman|Jesse]]''': What are you talking about? 
:'''[[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad)|Walter]]''':  Apparently, it's all over town. Somebody crossed you, you got angry you crushed their skull with an ATM machine.
:'''[[w:Jesse Pinkman|Jesse]]''': That's not how it happened.
:'''[[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad)|Walter]]''': Who cares as long as it's our competitors who believe it and not the police? -Oh, my-- 
:'''[[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad)|Walter]]''': - No, don't you see how great this is? Look, you.. You are a --
:'''[[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad)|Walter]]''': Jesse, look at me, you are a [[w:blow fish|blow fish]].
:'''[[w:Jesse Pinkman|Jesse]]''': What?
:'''Walter''': A blow fish, think about it. Small in stature, not swift, not cunning, easy prey for predators. But the blow fish has a secret weapon, doesn't he? Doesn't he? What does the blow fish do, Jesse? What does the blow fish do?
:'''Jesse''': I don't even know what...
:'''Walter''': The blow fish puffs up, okay? The blow fish puffs himself up four, five times larger than normal, but why? Why does he do that? Because it makes him intimidating, that's why. Intimidating so that the other scarier fish are scared off and that's you. You are a blow fish. Don't you see? It's just all&amp;ndash;all an illusion. It's nothing but air. Now, who messes with the blow fish, Jesse?
:'''Jesse''': Nobody.
:'''Walter''': You're damn right.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tortuga''': Hey white boy, my name's Tortuga. You know what that means?
:'''[[w:Hank Schrader|Hank]]''': If I have to guess, I'd say that's Spanish for asshole.
:'''Tortuga''': Tortuga means turtle, and that's me. I take my time but I always win.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The DEA finds Tortuga's severed head on a turtle with the words &quot;Hola DEA&quot; written on it. Hank staggers back to the truck, feeling sick]''
:'''Vanco''': Schrader, where you going?
:'''Hank''': E...Evidence bag...bag...
:''[The other DEA agents laugh]''
:'''Vanco''': What's the matter, Schrader? You act like you've never seen a severed human head on a tortoise before!
:''[Four DEA agents gather around the turtle]''
:'''Vanco''': Hey! Welcome to&amp;ndash;
:''[A hidden bomb inside the turtle explodes, blowing away three agents and blowing off Vanco's leg]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jesse''': The game has changed, yo. This is our city, alright? All of it. The whole damn place. Our territory. We're staking our claim. Yo, we sell when we want, where we want. We're gonna be kings, understand? Well, I'm gonna be king and you guys will be, like, princes or dukes or something.
:'''Badger''': I wanna be a knight.
:'''Jesse''': But first things first: we gotta get more dealers, y'know, foot soldiers, alright? Now they'll be working for you, you're working for me, and I'm working for you. You follow me? Layered, like nachos. Exponential growth. That's success, with a capital S.
:'''Skinny Pete''': Straight up, straight up.
:'''Combo''': Fo' shizzle.
:'''Badger''': Friggin' awesome.
:''[Everybody puts their hands in. Jesse leaves, heads outside and gets into Walter's car]''
:'''Jesse''': Well, we're set. Boys are ready. Gonna make some mad cheddar, yo. ''[Walter looks at Jesse]'' Cheddar, Mr. White. Fat stacks. Dead Presidents. Cash money. We're gonna own this city.
:'''Walter''': We're not charging enough.
:'''Jesse''': What?
:'''Walter''': Corner the market, then raise the price. Simple economics.

=== ''Better Call Saul'' [2.08] ===
:''[Hank is holed up in bed due to the trauma from the Tortuga bomb incident]''
:'''[[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad)|Walter]]''': I have spent my whole life scared &amp;ndash; frightened of things that could happen, might happen, might not happen. Fifty years I spent like that. Finding myself awake at three in the morning. But you know what? Ever since my diagnosis, I sleep just fine.
:'''[[w:Hank Schrader|Hank]]''': ''Hmmm''...okay.
:'''Walter''': And I came to realize: it's that fear, that's the worst of it. That's the real enemy. So... get up, get out in the real world, and you kick that bastard as hard as you can right in the teeth.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Saul enters the interrogation room where Badger is being questioned]''
:'''[[w:Saul Goodman|Saul Goodman]]''': ''[buzzer sound]'' What're you doin', detective? What're you doing, talking to my client without me present? You sneaky Pete! ''[looks at Getz]'' Heh, which is which? What, did the- did the academy hire you right out of the womb? You guys get younger every- ''[to Badger]'' What'd you say to baby face, huh? Did you say anything stupid? By anything stupid, I mean ''anything at all''.
:'''Badger''': I-
:'''Saul''': Oh, look at you. Mouth open, vocal chords a-twitter... we'll talk about it later. ''[to Getz]'' Right now, you. Out. Ten minutes ago. Go on. There are ''laws'', detective; have your kindergarten teacher read them to you, alright? Go grab a juice box, have a nap, go on. ''[Getz leaves]'' All right, who do we have?
:'''Badger''': Brandon Mayhew.
:'''Saul''': ''[looking through his files]'' Brandon Mayhew...alright...Brandon Mayhew...ah, here we go. Public masturbation.
:'''Badger''': What?
:'''Saul''': I don't get it. What's the kick? Why don't you do it at home like the rest of us, with a big flatscreen TV, fifty channels of Pay-Per-View? ''[looks back at the file]'' In a Starbucks! That's nice, ''heh heh''.
:'''Badger''': That ain't me, man! I'm&amp;ndash; I was the guy who was selling meth...allegedly.
:'''Saul''': ''[looking through his files]'' Okay, all right, I gotcha. Meth. Right. Sorry, that was a little transpositional error. Nothing that a little white-out can't take care of. Yeah, and uh... felony quantity.
:'''Badger:''' Just barely.
:'''Saul''': Yeah, just barely. The cops around here are like butchers - always got their thumbs on the scales, y'know - but good luck arguing that in court. Let me get down to brass tacks: I'm gonna get you a second phone call, okay? You're gonna call your mommy or your daddy or your parish priest or your Boy Scout leader and they're gonna deliver me a check for $4,650. I'm gonna write that down on the back of my business card. ''[Saul writes the amount down]'' Four-six-five-zero. Okay? And I need that in a cashier's check or a money order, doesn't matter &amp;ndash; actually, I want it in a money order... and make it out to Ice Station Zebra Associates. That's my loan-out. It's totally legit. It's done just for tax purposes. And after that, we can discuss Visa or MasterCard, but definitely ''not'' American Express, so don't even ask. All right? Any questions?
:'''Badger:''' Uh... you're gonna get me off, right?
:'''Saul''': What do I look like, your high school girlfriend? Five fingers, no waiting? ''[Badger stares at him]'' That's a joke, Brandon! Lighten up! ''[in low voice]'' Son, I promise you this: I will give you the best criminal defense that money can buy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Walt and Jesse pull up outside Saul's strip mall office]''
:'''[[w:Jesse Pinkman|Jesse]]''': Sooner or later, this was gonna happen. If you want your &quot;exponential growth&quot;, guys are gonna get busted. Simple as that.
:'''Walter''': So, how about we get him a real attorney? I mean, what the hell is this? This is who he hires?
:'''Jesse''': What? You kidding me? ''This'' is the guy you want. This is the guy I'd hire.
:'''Walter''': ''[sarcastically]'' ''Ooh'', this is the guy you'd hire.
:'''Jesse''': Look, you remember Emilio? 'Kay, this dude got Emilio off, like, twice. 'Kay, both times they had him dead to rights, yo, and then &quot;poof.&quot; Dude's like [[w:Harry Houdini|Houdini]]. Seriously, when the going gets tough, you don't want a criminal lawyer, all right? You want a ''criminal lawyer''. You know what I'm saying?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Walt and Jesse kidnap Saul and take him out to an open grave in the desert]''
:'''Saul''': No, it wasn't me! It was [[w:Nacho Varga|Ignacio]], he's the one! Oh no, oh no, no, no, no! ''Siempre soy amigo! Siempre! Siempre soy amigo del cartel!''
:'''Jesse''': Shut up, dude! Shut up, alright? Just speak English.
:'''Saul''': [[w:Lalo Salamanca|Lalo]] didn't send you? No Lalo?!
:'''Jesse''': ...Who?
:'''Saul''': ''Oh, thank God! Oh, Christ! Oh,'' I thought... Wha-what can I do for you, gentlemen? Anything, just-just tell me what you need!
:'''Jesse''': This afternoon, an associate of ours offered you $10,000. You should have taken it.
:'''Saul''': Wait a minute, this is in regards to what's-his-name-
:'''Jesse''': Badger! Brandon Mayhew.
:'''Saul''': The uncle? The uncle, that was your guy? Heh, no offense, guys, but I don't take bribes from strangers, you know? Better safe than sorry–that's my motto. But I'll take your money, sure!
:'''Jesse''': Nah, that offer's expired, yo! 
:'''Saul''': It was kinda low, anyways, but okay, okay! I'll take it! Just tell me what you need, alright? I'm easy. I'm gonna keep a happy thought and assume this is just a negotiating tactic.
:'''Jesse''': Alright, listen to me very carefully. You are going to give Badger Mayhew the best legal representation ever, but ''no deals'' with the DEA, alright? Badger will not identify anyone to anybody. If he does, you're dead!
:'''Saul''': Why don't you just kill Badger? ''[pause]'' I mean, follow me guys: If a mosquito is buzzing around you and it bites you in the ass, you don't go gunning for the mosquito's attorney! You go grab a fly swatter–I mean, so to speak. All due respect, but do I have to spell this out for you?
:'''Jesse''': We're not killing Badger, yo!
:'''Saul''': Then you got real problems, okay? Because the DEA's gonna come down on your boy like a proverbial ton of bricks. I mean, I-I don't think I'm going out on a limb here but, hey–he's not gonna like prison. He's gonna sing like Celine Dion, regardless of what you do to me.
:''[Walt breaks out into a coughing fit]''
:'''Saul''': Mr. Mayhew? Recognized your cough. Take that mask off, y'know. Get some air. Go on.
:''[Walt takes off his mask. Jesse smacks him]''
:'''Saul''': Take it easy! Breathe in, breathe out. I'm gonna stand up, alright, 'cause I got bad knees. ''[gets up]'' That's better. Okay, now listen. The three of us are gonna work this out.
:'''Jesse''': Yeah? How?
:'''Saul''': First things first–you're gonna put a dollar in my pocket, both of you. ''[pause]'' You want attorney-client privilege, don't you? So that everything you say is strictly between us. ''I mean it!'' Put a dollar in my pocket! Come on, make it official. Come on, do it. That's it, come on. Just a dollar. 
:''[Walt puts a dollar in Saul's pocket. Saul turns to Jesse]''
:'''Saul''': Alright, now you, ski bum. Come on, get with the dollar.
:'''Walter''': Go on.
:'''Saul''': Be smart.
:'''Jesse''': ''What?!'' ''[digs through his wallet]'' All I got's a five.
:'''Saul''': I'll take a five! Come on, already. Come on, be cool.
:''[Jesse puts the dollar in Saul's pocket]''
:'''Saul''': Okay, now you're both officially represented by Saul Goodman and Associates. Your secrets are safe with me, under threat of disbarment.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Saul finds Walter after school in the classroom]''
:'''Saul''': Oh, my God! You really are a chemistry teacher! ''Heh heh''. Uh, you mind? ''[Saul closes the door]'' I was terrible at chemistry. I'm more of a humanities guy.
:'''Walter''': How did you find me?
:'''Saul''': We should talk about that. It should be much, much harder for people to track you down. [[w:Mike Ehrmantraut | My P.I.]] charged me for three hours, so I seriously doubt it took him more than one.
:'''Walter''': So this is what? Blackmail?
:'''Saul''': Walter, I'm your lawyer. Anything you say to me is totally privileged. I'm not in the shakedown racket. I'm a lawyer. Even drug dealers need lawyers, right? Especially drug dealers.
:'''Walter''': So what? You're just doing this out of the kindness of your heart?
:'''Saul''': C'mon. Have you seen my hourly rate? ''Heh heh''. Oh, by the way, where do you keep the money? Is it in your mattress? Is it in a jelly jar buried in the side yard, huh? You know, this kid Mayhew may be the first of your guys to get picked up, but he won't be the last. And if I can find you, how far behind can the cops be?
:'''Walter''': I don't understand. What exactly are you offering to do for me?
:'''Saul''': What did [[w:Tom Hagen|Tom Hagen]] do for [[w:Vito Corleone|Vito Corleone]]?
:'''Walter''': I'm no Vito Corleone.
:'''Saul''': No shit! Right now, you're [[w:Fredo Corleone|Fredo]]! But, y'know, with some sound advice and proper introductions, who knows? I'll tell you one thing: You've got the right product. Anything that gets the DEA's panties in this big a bunch, you're onto something special. And I would like to be a small and silent part of it. Food for thought, yeah? ''[he starts to head for the door, but stops]'' So if you want to make more money and, uh, keep the money that you make... ''[taps his foot and holds his arms out with flair, pointing to Walter]'' '''Better Call Saul'''!

=== ''4 Days Out'' [2.09] ===

:'''[[w:Saul Goodman|Saul]]''': Look, let's crunch some numbers. How much money are we laundering?
:'''[[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad)|Walter]]''': At this time...$16,000.
:'''Saul''': How long you been doing this?
:'''Walter''': We've had some extenuating circumstances.
:'''Saul''': Yeah, apparently. All right, $16,000 laundered at 75 cents on the dollar, minus my fee, which is 17%, comes out to $9,960. Congratulations, you've just left your family a secondhand Subaru.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Walter''': ''[to Jesse on the payphone]'' Clear your social calendar. We have to cook.
:'''[[w:Jesse Pinkman|Jesse]]''': What? Today?
:'''Walter''': No, you'll need today at least to gather supplies. Now, we're going to need all new glassware, heating mantles, about a hundred pounds of ice. Y-you have a paper and pencil? You should be writing this down.
:'''Jesse''': Yo, you wanna go shopping, go do it yourself, alright? I got plans.
:'''Walter''': Smoking marijuana, eating Cheetos, and masturbating do not constitute plans in my book.
:'''Jesse''': Well, screw you and your book, man, alright? I'm going to a museum in Santa Fe, not like you need to know.
:'''Walter''': You're going to a museum, huh?
:'''Jesse''': Yeah. Georgia O'Keeffe.
:'''Walter''': Georgia O'Keeffe?
:'''Jesse''': She's a painter, duh. She does these vagina pictures. Or paintings, or just painted. I don't know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After they finish cooking another batch of meth in their RV, Walter and Jesse realize the ignition has stopped working]''
:'''Jesse''': ''[after turning the keys several times]'' Battery’s dead.
:'''Walter''': Jesse, back when I asked you to put the keys in a safe place, where did you put them?
:'''Jesse''': I left them right here. In the, um… in the ignition.
:'''Walter''': Son of a bitch!
:'''Jesse''': Whoa, whoa. No, this is not my fault, alright? The buzzer didn’t buzz.
:'''Walter''': The what?!
:'''Jesse''': The buzzer! The buzzer that buzzes when you put the keys in to, like, let you know that the battery’s on. I know that! It didn’t buzz. Look, I didn’t turn the key or anything, alright? I’m not stupid! Did you hear the buzzer buzz? I did not... It’s faulty, it’s a faulty mechanism.
:'''Walter''': Is this just a genetic thing with you? Is it congenital? Did you—Did your mother drop you on your head when you were a baby?!
:'''Jesse''': The buzzer did not buzz! And you were the one that made me move the keys in the first place, remember?!
:'''Walter''': Yes, I see your point. Your imbecility being what it is, I should have known to say, &quot;Jesse, don’t leave the keys in the ignition ''the entire two days''!&quot;
:'''Jesse''': I wanted to leave them on the counter, bitch! Oh, I’m sorry, the &quot;work station!&quot; Jesus!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Walter and Jesse are stranded without water in their RV in the middle of the desert]''
:'''Walter''': I have this coming.
:'''Jesse''': What?
:'''Walter''': I have it coming. I deserve this.
:'''Jesse''': Snap out of it. All right, first off, everything you did, you did for your family. Right?
:'''Walter''': All I ever managed to do was worry and disappoint them. And lie. Oh God, the lies...I can't even...can't even keep them straight in my head anymore...
:'''Jesse''': You know what? Screw this. I'm walking. You can come or not. Where's my other shoe?
:'''Walter''': Jesse...Jesse...Your body is running dangerously low on electrolytes. Sodium, potassium, calcium...and when they're gone, your brain ceases to communicate with the muscles. Your lungs stop breathing. Your heart stops pumping. You go marching out there, and within an hour, you will be dead.
:'''Jesse''': You need to cut out all your loser crybaby crap right now and think of something scientific!
:'''Walter''': ''[laughs weakly]'' Something... something scientific, right...
:'''Jesse''': Like, come on! Man, you're smart! All right, you made poison out of beans, yo! Look, we've got an entire lab right here. How about you take some of these chemicals and mix up some... some rocket fuel, that way we could just send up a signal flare. Or you make some kind of robot to get us help... or a homing device... or building a battery... ''[Walt's eyes snap open]'' Or what if we just take some stuff off of the RV and build it into something completely different? You know, like a... like a dune buggy! And that way we could just dune buggy our... ''[Walt sits up]'' What? Hey... what is it? What?
:'''Walter''': Do you... do you have any money? Change, I mean, coins?
:'''Jesse''': Yeah, yeah, I got a bunch of 'em!
:'''Walter''': Okay... ''[gets up]''
:'''Jesse''': Yes!
:'''Walter''': Gather them. And&amp;ndash;and&amp;ndash;and washers, and nuts and bolts and screws, and whatever little pieces of metal we can think of that is galvanized &amp;ndash; it has to be galvanized &amp;ndash; or&amp;ndash;or solid zinc.
:'''Jesse''': ''[starts to head outside]'' Solid zinc...
:'''Walter''': And&amp;ndash;and&amp;ndash;and bring me... brake pads! The front wheels should have discs. Take them off and bring them to me.
:'''Jesse''': All right, all right...
:'''Walter''': ''[kicks a toolbox toward Jesse]'' Brake pads!
:'''Jesse''': What are we building?
:'''Walter''': You said it yourself.
:'''Jesse''': A robot?
:'''Walter''': ...A battery.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Walter''': And now, what shall we use to conduct this beautiful current with, hm? What one particular element comes to mind, hm? ''[Walter holds up a copper wire]'' ''Hmm?''
:'''Jesse''': ''Ooooh'', wire.
:'''Walter''': ...Copper.
:'''Jesse''': Oh, I mean...
:'''Walter''': It's copper.

=== ''Over'' [2.10] ===

:'''[[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad)|Walter]]''': The upshot is that I have [[w:Radiation-induced lung injury|radiation pneumonitis]].
:'''[[w:Jesse Pinkman|Jesse]]''': Damn...
:'''Walter''': Actually, it's not as bad as it sounds. It's a fairly common occurrence. Easily treated. In fact, the news is all good.
:'''Jesse''': You mean, good? You mean, like, good good? You mean, like, ''remission'' good?
:'''Walter''': Remission. Not to imply I'm cured. I still have cancer, but there's been a significant reduction in the tumors.
:'''Jesse''': How significant?
:'''Walter''': Eighty percent.
:'''Jesse''': Dude! No way!
:'''Walter''': I'm not out of the woods yet, not by any stretch...but &quot;options&quot; is the word they keep bandying about.
:'''Jesse''': That's awesome! Serious? That's...that's...that's great, man! My aunt, she never...I mean, y'know, at your stage I didn't even think that could happen.
:'''Walter''': ''Eh''.
:'''Jesse''': Mr. White, you kicked its ass, yo! ''[Walter motions for Jesse to quiet down]'' No! You must be so psyched!
:'''Walter''': Of course. I am.
:'''Jesse''': Okay, now we...I mean, what do we...Oh! Hey, I almost forgot. ''[Jesse hands Walter a paper bag filled with money]'' So, how do you want to...y'know...proceed in light of this kickass news?
:'''Walter''': We'll take our time and stay cautious. Sell off what we have and then...well, then I guess I'm done.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Walter''': Um...well, it's kind of funny. When I got my diagnosis &amp;ndash; cancer &amp;ndash; I said to myself, y'know, &quot;Why me?&quot; And then, the other day when I got the good news, I said the same thing. ''[The party guests are silent with confusion]'' Anyway, uh, thank you for coming and...enjoy.
:'''[[w:Hank Schrader|Hank]]''': Wow. Inspirational.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Hank takes a bottle of tequila away after Walter keeps pouring shots for Walter Jr.]''
:'''Walter''': Hey! Bring. The bottle. Back.
:'''Hank''': Sorry, buddy. No can do.
:'''Walter''': My son! My bottle! My house!
:'''Hank''': ''[to other party guests]'' It's all right.
:'''Walter''': What are you waiting for? Bring it back!
:'''Hank''': Why don't we just call it a day? All right, pal? We good?
:''[Hank puts his hand on Walter's shoulder. Walter smacks it away]''
:'''Walter''': The bottle. Now.
:'''Skyler''': What's going on?
:''[Walter Jr. vomits into the pool. Skyler and Hank rush over to him. Walter sits back down and smiles to himself]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jane is looking at Jesse's superhero sketches]''
:'''Jane''': And this is?
:'''Jesse''': That's Backwardo. Oh wait, no, actually I changed it to Rewindo. Anyways, he goes backwards. He can make everything go in reverse.
:'''Jane''': Time and stuff? Time traveling?
:'''Jesse''': No, he just walks backwards.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Walter''': Stay out of my territory.

=== ''Mandala'' [2.11] ===

:'''[[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad)|Walter]]''': God. This entire process has just been so... It's always been one step forward and two steps back. We need your help.
:'''[[w:Saul Goodman|Saul]]''': Look, let's start with some tough love, alright? Ready for this? Here it goes: you two suck at peddling meth. Period.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Walt deduces that the on-duty manager of a Los Pollos Hermanos is probably the distributor who wouldn't meet with him. He summons Gus to his table]''
:'''[[w:Gus Fring|Gus]]''': What can I do for you?
:'''Walter''': Have a seat. Please. ''[Gus sits down across from Walt]'' I would like to know why you wouldn't meet with me yesterday.
:'''Gus''': I'm sorry, I'm not following.
:'''Walter''': I sat here yesterday waiting to meet with someone. I believe that person was you.
:'''Gus''': I think that you're confusing me for someone else.
:'''Walter''': I don't think I am.
:'''Gus''': Sir, if you have a complaint, I suggest you submit it through our e-mail system. I'd be happy to refer you to our website.
:'''Walter''': I was told that the man I'd be meeting with was very careful. A cautious man. I believe we are alike in that way. If you are who I think you are, you should give me another chance.
:''[Gus's demeanor suddenly changes: the open expression remains, but we are instantly made aware that this is a façade, and Gus's true self emerges.]''.
:'''Gus''': I don't think we're alike at all, Mr. White. You are not a cautious man at all. Your partner was late. And he was high.
:'''Walter''': Yes. Yes, he was.
:'''Gus''': He's high often, isn't he? ''[Walter does not answer]'' You have poor judgment. I can't work with someone with poor judgment.
:'''Walter''': Are you familiar with my product?
:'''Gus''': I've been told it's excellent.
:'''Walter''': It is impeccable. It is the purest, most chemically sound product on the market, anywhere.
:'''Gus''': That is not the only factor.
:'''Walter''': You could charge twice the current rate for what I provide and your customers would pay it, hands down. Now, who I choose to do business with on my end is not your problem. You won't see him, you won't interact with him. Forget he exists.
:'''Gus''': I have to ask why. Why him?
:'''Walter''': Because he does what I say. Because I can trust him.
:'''Gus''': How much product do you have left?
:'''Walter''': 38 pounds. Ready to go at a moment's notice. ''[Gus gets up]'' Will I hear from you?
:'''Gus''': I have your numbers. ''[softly]'' You can never trust a drug addict.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Skinny Pete is describing Combo's funeral]''
:'''Skinny Pete''': And you should've seen the coffin. It was like this shiny white pearlescence, like, I'm pretty sure I seen the exact same paint job on a Lexus, right? So we're definitely talking high end.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jesse and Jane are injecting heroin]''
:'''[[w:Jesse Pinkman|Jesse]]''': What's it feel like?
:'''Jane''': There's a chill. Don't freak out, it passes. And then...you'll see. ''[Jane kisses Jesse]'' I'll meet you there.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[As Walt gets up to leave Los Pollos Hermanos, having learned Gus's name, Victor suddenly steps in front of him and blocks him from leaving]''
:'''Victor''': 38 pounds, $1.2 million, [deliver to the] truck stop, two miles south of Exit 13 on the [[w:Interstate 25|25]]. One hour.
:'''Walter''': W-What?
:'''Victor''': One hour. You in or out?
:'''Walter''': In, in, absolutely, but I just need a little more time...
:'''Victor''': One hour. If you miss it, don't ever show your face in here again.

=== ''Phoenix'' [2.12] ===

:'''[[w:Jesse Pinkman|Jesse]]''': How much?
:'''[[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad)|Walter]]''': How much what?
:'''Jesse''': How much did you get for the deal?
:'''Walter''': $1.2 million.
:'''Jesse''': $600,000 each.
:'''Walter''': $480,000. Saul's cut is 20%.
:'''Jesse''' All right, so where's my money?
:'''Walter''': ''Ha!''
:'''Jesse''': What?
:'''Walter''': You are joking, right? If I gave you that money, you would be dead inside of a week.
:'''Jesse''': Yo man, look, I'm off the heroin. I didn't even like it anyway, it made me sick. And the meth, y'know, I could take it or leave it. I'm clean, Mr. White. For real.
:''[Walter tosses an empty beaker to Jesse]''
:'''Walter''': Prove it. Pee in that.
:'''Jesse''': How gay are you, seriously?
:'''Walter''': Pee in it! They're selling testing kits at the drug stores. If you are clean, I will give you every last dime. ''[Jesse is silent]'' No, huh? Well, I guess until then, you'll just have to depend on the kindness of strangers to get high. That and your little junkie girlfriend.
:''[Jesse throws the beaker at Walter. Walter ducks and it shatters against the chalkboard]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Walter''': No, no, it cannot be blind luck or some imaginary relative who saves us. No, I earned that money. ''Me!'' And now my son created his own website &amp;ndash; SaveWalterWhite.com. Soliciting anonymous donations! Do you have any idea how that makes me feel?!
:'''[[w:Saul Goodman|Saul]]''': Well, look at that. It's got [[w:PayPal|PayPal]] and everything.
:'''Walter''': Cyber-begging, that's all that is. Just rattling a little tin cup to the entire world.
:'''Saul''': ''[sarcastically]'' Yeah, there's no deep-seated issues there. Walter, I'm looking at the answer right here. It's staring me in the face. Do I have to spell it out for you?
:'''Walter''': I know, I know. You're thinking that I should be funneling money into my son's website, but absolutely not. No. I am not going to have my family think that some mystery benefactor saved us!
:'''Saul''': Not some mystery benefactor, singular. That would raise too many questions. However—stay with me here... Zombies. ''[chuckles]'' I got a guy who knows this guy, who knows this ''[[w:Rain Man (film)|Rain Man]]'' type. Right? He lives with his mother in her basement in Belarus, alright? So good luck extraditing his fat Russian ass. ''[Walter is about to leave when Saul stops him]'' Wait, wait! He's a hacker-cracker extraordinaire. This guy can hijack random desktops all around the world, turn them into zombies that do his bidding. For instance, he can make it so 20, or 30,000 ''little'' donations come in from all over the U.S. and Canada. Ten, 20, 50 bucks a pop, all paid in full—nice and neat, untraceable—from the good-hearted people of the world to Mr. Walter H. White, cancer saint. Heh. I'm getting a warm and fuzzy feeling just thinking about it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jane''': Do right by Jesse tonight or I will burn you to the ground.
:'''Walter''': Nice job wearing the pants.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jane''': Do you know what this is?
:'''Jesse''': It's a whole lot of cheddar.
:'''Jane''': This is freedom! This is saying I can go anywhere I want! I can be anybody! Who do you want to be? Where do you want to go? South America? Europe? Australia?
:'''Jesse''': Is New Zealand part of Australia?
:'''Jane''': New Zealand is New Zealand!
:'''Jesse''': Right on. New Zealand, that's where they, uh, that's where they made ''[[w:The Lord of the Rings film trilogy|Lord of the Rings]]''! I say we just move there, yo! I mean, you could do your art, right? Like, you could like paint the local castles and shit, and I can be a bush pilot!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jane's father, Donald, discovers Jesse in her bedroom and tries to throw him out. Jesse finds a baseball bat during the scuffle and threatens Donald with it]''
:'''Jesse''': What's with you, yo, huh?! 'Cause I will seriously bust you up!
:'''Donald Margolis''': You miserable little smack-head! Get the hell out!
:'''Jesse''': Hey, I pay my rent, bitch! Alright?! I got civil rights!

=== ''ABQ'' [2.13] ===
:'''[[w:Mike Ehrmantraut|Mike]]''': ''[to Jesse]'' Saul Goodman sent me. ''[pause]'' Come on, inside. Latch the door. Where is she?
:''[Jesse turns his head in the direction of his bedroom. Mike puts on gloves as he walks down the hall; he then looks around and stares briefly at Jane's body before putting Jesse's drug paraphernalia inside a bag and cleaning up the room.]'' 
:'''Mike''': Any other drugs in the house? Think hard. Your freedom depends on it. ''[Jesse shakes his head]'' What about guns? You got any guns in the house? ''[Jesse shakes his head again]'' Here's your story: You woke up. You found her. That's all you know. Say it. Say it, please. &quot;I woke up. I found her. That's all I know.&quot; ''[Jesse begins to cry; Mike slaps him]'' Say it. &quot;I woke up. I found her. That's all I know.&quot;
:'''[[w:Jesse Pinkman|Jesse]]''': I woke up. I found her. That's all I know.
:'''Mike''': Again.
:'''Jesse''': I woke up. I found her. That's all I know.
:'''Mike''': Again. Again.
:'''Jesse''': ''[in rushing tone]'' I woke up. I found her. That's all I know. I woke up. I found her. That's all I know.
:'''Mike''': Once you call it in, the people who show up will be with the Office of Medical Investigations. That's primarily who you'll talk to. Police officers may arrive, they may not. Depends on how busy a morning they're having. Typically OD's are not a high priority call. There's nothing here to incriminate you, so I'd be amazed if you got placed under arrest. However, if you do, you say nothing. You tell them you just want your lawyer and you call Saul Goodman. And do I need to state the obvious? I was not here. You put on a long sleeve shirt and cover those track marks on your arm. ''[hands Jesse a phone]'' Count down from twenty and then you dial. ''[zips up the bag with Jesse's money]'' Hang tough. You're in the home stretch.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Walt finds Jesse strung out in a trap house and rushes over to him]''
:'''[[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad)|Walter]]''': Jesse. Jesse! Look at me, son. Wake up. Wake up.
:'''Jesse''': Hey. I ain't got nothing for you, man. It's all gone.
:'''Walter''': Jesse, wake up. Just- ''(Jesse starts thrashing)'' Jesse! Jesse, it's me! It's Walt! It's Walt.
:'''Jesse''': Yeah...
:'''Walter''': Come on, let's get out of here.
:'''Jesse''': No, nonono, no, nono, no. I'm good.
:'''Walter''': Come on. Help me out, now.
:'''Jesse''': I'm good. I'm good - right here, man. Right here.
:'''Walter''': Listen, Jesse. You are not good right here. You are not good at all, you hear? Now, you just put your arms around me. Come on. You're gonna stand up, and we're gonna- we're gonna walk out of here. Okay? ''(Jesse does so)'' We're gonna take you someplace nice and safe. That's it. Now, let's go, come on. Here we go.
:''[Jesse starts sobbing]''
:'''Jesse''': I killed her.
:'''Walter''': What?
:'''Jesse''': ''I killed her, it was me!'' I killed her, man, I killed her!
:'''Walter''': Jesse, look at me. Look at me. You didn't kill anybody.
:'''Jesse''': I loved her... ''I loved her more than anything.''
:''[Walter hugs him]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Walter''': Look, Jesse, lingering on things doesn't help, believe me. Just... try and focus on getting better, okay?
:'''Jesse''': I deserve this.
:'''Walter''': What?
:'''Jesse''': What you said in the desert, I get it. What you meant. I deserve whatever happens.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Karen''': Judging from the things you and other folks have written about him, your dad must be quite a guy.
:'''[[w:Walter White, Jr.|Walter Jr.]]''': Yeah, he is. He's the best.
:'''Karen''': You don't want to lose him, do you, Walter?
:'''Walter Jr.''' None of us do. We love him.
:'''Karen''': He's a good man, isn't he?
:'''Walter Jr.''': Absolutely. Ask anyone, anybody. He's a great father, a great teacher. He knows like everything there is to know about chemistry. He's patient with you, he's always there for you. He's just decent. And he always does the right thing and that's how he teaches me to be.
:'''Karen''': Would you say he's your hero?
:'''Walter Jr.''': Oh yeah, yes ma'am, totally. My dad is my hero.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Walter''': What are you doing?
:'''[[w:Skyler White|Skyler]]''': I'm going to Hank and Marie's for the weekend.
:'''Walter''': Since when?
:'''Skyler''': I'm taking the baby with me. Marie will pick up Walter Jr. from school. You will have the house to yourself for two days. I want you to pack your things and leave.
:'''Walter''': Why would I do that?
:'''Skyler''': Hank has offered to help since you shouldn't be doing any heavy lifting.
:'''Walter''': Skyler...
:'''Skyler''': I want you gone by Monday morning. I want...I want you gone.
:'''Walter''': Okay, can you at least tell me why?
:'''Skyler''': Because you're a liar, Walt. Two cell phones after all.
:'''Walter''': What?
:'''Skyler''': Right before your surgery, I asked if you had packed your cell phone and you said, &quot;Which one?&quot;
:'''Walter''': When? Skyler, I was medicated. I mean, I could have said the world was flat.
:'''Skyler''': You know what I think? I think you accidentally told the truth.
:'''Walter''': Honey, we have been over this. Asked and answered, right? There&amp;ndash;
:'''Skyler''': But then it got me thinking again about the all the strange behavior. Not the least of which was the disappearance. Out of my mind with worry, calling hospitals, checking the morgue. Your fugue state? I had to believe that, didn't I? I had to find a way. I mean, who would lie about such a thing?
:'''Walter''': You tell me, Skyler. You tell me exactly what it is you think I'm lying about. What, an affair? I'm having an affair? Is that what you think?
:'''Skyler''': That's what I was thinking, yeah. For the last few weeks.
:'''Walter''': With whom? Who am I having an affair with?
:'''Skyler''': Well, my guess was Gretchen Schwartz. Something was going on between you. I just knew.
:'''Walter''': Jesus, Skyler. Get me a Bible to swear on, if that's what it takes. I am not having an affair with Gretchen!
:'''Skyler''': Oh, I know. I know you're not. 'Cause I asked her. It really took me forever to get in touch with her. She was ducking my calls for weeks. So I finally left a message, &quot;What exactly is going on between you and my husband?&quot; I thought that'd get her attention and it did. So she called me back and she finally told me. The money? For your treatment? Gretchen and Elliott didn't give you a dime. They paid for nothing. You refused every offer they made you, but that didn't make sense because I checked with Delcavoli in the hospital and, not including your surgery, we're nearly paid up. Over $100,000. Out of where? Out of thin air? But then, I called your mother. Yeah. Thanks for that, too. But I thought, y'know, maybe she has some money that I don't know about? Maybe she contributed? It's possible. It turns out that not only is the money not your mother, she didn't even know that you have cancer. You never went to see her. I dropped you at the airport, I picked you up, you were gone for four days, and yet she swears that you were never there. Lies on top of lies on top of lies.
:'''Walter''': Skyler...
:'''Skyler''' Could you, just once, do me the courtesy of not denying it?
:''[Walter is silent. Skyler heads to the car]''
:'''Walter''': Skyler...Skyler, don't do this, please. I...I...Skyler, please don't go. ''[Skyler tries to close the car door, but Walter stops her]'' If I tell you the truth, will you stay? Stay and I will tell you everything.
:'''Skyler''': Whatever it is, I'm afraid to know.
:''[Skyler closes the car door and drives off]''

==External links==
{{Wikipedia}}
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      <timestamp>2022-08-11T18:53:45Z</timestamp>
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:'''Season''' [[Breaking Bad (season 1)|1]] [[Breaking Bad (season 2)|2]] [[Breaking Bad (season 3)|3]] [[Breaking Bad (season 4)|4]] [[Breaking Bad (season 5)|5]] | [[Breaking Bad|'''Main''']]
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'''''[[w:Breaking Bad|Breaking Bad]]''''' (2008–2013) was a critically acclaimed American [[w:AMC (TV channel)|AMC]] drama about a 50-year-old high school [[chemistry]] teacher, Walter White, (played by [[w:Bryan Cranston|Bryan Cranston]]) who discovers that he has terminal lung cancer. Walter decides to use his extensive knowledge of chemistry to enter the drug trade and produce [[w:crystal methamphetamine|crystal methamphetamine]], using the profits to provide for his family after his death. The term to &quot;break bad&quot; is American Southeast slang meaning to turn against one's previously lawful lifestyle for one of criminal acts, usually at the cost of someone else's life or well-being.

=== ''Seven-Thirty-Seven'' [2.01] ===

:'''[[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad)|Walter]]''': Adjusting for inflation &amp;ndash; good state college &amp;ndash; adjusting for inflation, say $45,000 a year, two kids, four years of college...$360,000. Remaining mortgage on the home, $107,000. Home equity line, $30,000, that's $137,000. Cost of living, food, clothing, utilities &amp;ndash; say, two grand a month? I mean, that should put a dent in it, anyway. 24K a year provides for, say, ten years. That's $240,000, plus 360 plus 137...seven thirty-seven. $737,000, that's what I need. That is what I need. You and I both clear about 70 grand a week. That's only ten and a half more weeks. Call it eleven. Eleven more drug deals and always in a public place from now on. It's doable. Definitely doable.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''[[w:Jesse Pinkman|Jesse]]''': Oh, we are dead. Dead men! ''Muerto'', or ''muerte'', or however the hell you...Jesus...
:'''Walter''': This is conjecture.
:'''Jesse''': This is conjecture?
:'''Walter''': Conjecture, yes. And conjecture isn't helping.
:'''Jesse''': Oh, my conjecture isn't helping?
:'''Walter''': Could you just state the facts?
:'''Jesse''': Alright, fine, facts in. Fact A: my phone rang like eight times last night. Dead air, hang-ups every time. Second fact? Like three in the morning, I saw that black Caddy of his cruising my neighborhood. No headlights.
:'''Walter''': No, if he wanted to kill us, he would have done it at the junkyard.
:'''Jesse''': What is that? Conjecture? Are you basing that on that he's got a normal, healthy brain or something? Did you not see him beat a dude to death for, like, nothing? And that way&amp;ndash;that way he just kept staring at us. Saying, &quot;You're done.&quot; You're done?! You wanna know what that means? I will tell you what that means! That means exactly how it sounds, yo! Alright, we are witnesses, we are loose ends! Right now, Tuco's thinking, &quot;Yeah, hey, they cook good meth, but can I trust them?&quot; What happens when he decides &quot;no&quot;?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[Jesse is explaining how he will kill Tuco]''
:'''Jesse''': Alright, say we set up one last sale - this is ''providing'' he doesn't decide to ''waste us'' before then. Now every time we bring in a new batch, he always tests the product, right? So... as his head is down, y'know giving it a snort, just: pop, pop, pop!
:'''Walter''': Pop, pop, pop? So, three shots?
:'''Jesse''': Yeah, three shots, or I dunno, two?
:'''Walter''': No, wait- so is it two or is it three?
:'''Jesse''': I mean, two would probably work, I guess, yeah.
:'''Walter''': Okay, two shots. Two shots in the chest, two shots in the face, what?
:'''Jesse''': Man, c'mon-
:'''Walter''': ''No'', I am just trying to understand how this works! ''[pause]'' Okay. Alright, we'll put a pin in that - but by ''now'', the big guy, Gonzo, he's probably coming at you, right?
:'''Jesse''': Yeah...
:'''Walter''': Right, so you turn towards him-
:'''Jesse''': Yeah, just ''wheel on him-''
:'''Walter''': -and then, how many shots for him? I mean, he's a big guy, right? How many shots does that take?
:'''Jesse''': I dunno, three? Three shots?
:'''Walter''': Okay, three shots. Okay, Tuco and Gonzo, two men down...now, is there anyone else there? I mean, Tuco is ''usually'' with someone else, right? Maybe even a couple of guys, his- his dealers, his posse? ''[Jesse slumps in defeat]'' Alright. So, we'll put a pin in that one, too. Now at this point, how many shots have been fired? I mean, you've gotta be running low, right? How many bullets does that gun even take?
:''[Jesse tries to open the gun to check]''
:'''Walter''': How can you suggest that we kill a man and you can't even ''open the gun''? It's not that easy, is it?
:'''Jesse''': Hey, man, Walt...you did it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jesse''': Look, it's got five bullets. I finally figured out how to...''[Jesse struggles to open the gun]''...look, I just finally...''[Jesse gets it open]''...I figured it out. I say we get a second gun. Right? For you? I mean, don't we like double our chances? I mean, mathematically?
:'''Walter''': I've got a better idea.
:'''Jesse''': Oh, thank God! Alright, what is it, Mr. White? Lay it on me.
:'''Walter''': ''[holds up a small bag of...]'' Beans.
:'''Jesse''': Beans?
:'''Walter''': They're castor beans.
:'''Jesse''': So what are we gonna do with them? Are we just gonna grow a magic beanstalk, huh? Climb it and escape?
:'''Walter''': We are going to process them into ricin.
:'''Jesse''': Rice and beans?
:'''Walter''': ''[rolls his eyes]'' ''Ricin.'' It's an extremely effective poison. It's toxic in small doses. Also fairly easy to overlook during an autopsy.
:'''Jesse''': Alright. Alright, so...
:'''Walter''': ''[slaps Jesse's hand away from the beans]'' Don't touch them!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''[[w:Skyler White|Skyler]]''': I need support. Me, the almost forty year old pregnant woman with the surprise baby on the way. And the husband with lung cancer who disappears for hours on end and I don't know where he goes and he barely even speaks to me anymore. With the moody son who does the same thing. And the overdrawn checking account. And the lukewarm water heater that leaks rusty looking crap and is rotting out the floor of the utility closet and we can't even afford to fix it! But ''oh'', I see! Now I'm supposed to go, &quot;Hank, please, what can I possibly do to further benefit my spoiled, kleptomaniac bitch sister who somehow always manages to be the center of attention?&quot; 'Cause God knows she's the one with the really important problems!

=== ''Grilled'' [2.02] ===
:'''Tuco''': Last two days, I couldn’t get Gonzo on the phone. He’s been acting all pouty on account of No Doze. Explain to me. How is it my fault that that little ''bitch'' did not know his place? ''[pause]'' I saw this coming. I can see the future, you know? It’s this gift that I have deep inside my head. I knew last night they were gonna come try and bust me. Gonzo...he went and snitched to the ''cops!'' That LOUSY SON OF A ''BITCH!'' I TRUSTED HIM LIKE A BROTHER! ''[takes knife]'' I WAS GOOD TO HIM! I WAS '''GOOD!!!!''' I see Gonzo, ''[starts stabbing the table with the knife]'' I'M GONNA '''GUT HIM''', I'M GONNA '''SKIN HIM''', AND I'M GONNA STUFF HIS HIDE FOR A '''HEAVY ''BAG!!!!!!!''''' And every time I hit him, IT'S GONNA BE LIKE A LESSON TO MYSELF! '''YOU NEVER, ''NEVER'' TRUST THE PEOPLE THAT YOU LOVE!'''
:'''[[w:Jesse Pinkman|Jesse]]''': ''[long pause]'' So, you plan to, uh, ice Gonzo, like...future tense?
:'''Tuco''': What?
:'''[[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad)|Walter]]''': You're saying, Tuco, you're saying Gonzo is currently operating as a police informant as far as you know? ''[Tuco nods]'' I'm very sorry to hear that. That's disappointing.
:'''Jesse''': Yeah. I would waste him, too, yo.
:'''Tuco''': Shut up.
:'''Jesse''': Okay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''[[w:Marie Schrader|Marie]]''': Chemotherapy and marijuana go together like apple pie and Chevrolet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Walter and Jesse lament over their failed attempt at poisoning Tuco with a meth sample laced with ricin]''
:'''Walter''': Chili powder. Did I not already tell you how moronic that was?
:'''Jesse''': Whatever, man. At least I tried something. Hey, it almost worked, too. How's about you leaving my gun, huh? First you boost it, then you leave it in your house. ''My'' gun.
:'''Walter''': How was I supposed to know you were chauffeuring Tuco to my doorstep?
:'''Jesse''': Well, at least he wants you alive.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Walter''': We need a plan.
:'''Jesse''': Think, think. Let's just bum rush him, man. You know, you crack him over the head with something and I'll go for his gun.
:'''Walter''': Crack him over the head with something? ''[Walter sarcastically holds up a fly swatter]''
:'''Jesse''': You got the C, man, alright? You're as good as checked out already, okay? You should be all like sacrificial, jumping on a grenade, yo. Just...
:'''Walter''': Oh, so my life is not the priority here because I'm gonna be dead soon anyway? That's your point?
:'''Jesse''': Uh, yeah?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Hector, Tuco's invalid uncle, keeps ringing his bell after catching Walter and Jesse attempting to poison Tuco's food]''
:'''Tuco''': What? What do you want?! No. Don't even tell me you're hungry. Don't go there. ''[Tuco notices Hector is staring at Walter and Jesse]'' Hahaha! Are you mad doggin' them, ''tio''? What, you don't like them? ''[Hector rings the bell]'' One ding. That means yes. ''Tio'' don't like you. Why don't you like them, ''tio''? You don't trust them? ''[Hector rings the bell]'' Why don't you trust them, tio?
:'''Walter''': Tuco, c'mon, hey, he's, there's clearly some dementia. He's not lucid.
:'''Tuco''': Shh! Did they do something to you, ''tio''? Was it something that you don't like? ''[Hector rings the bell]'' What did they do to you? ''WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY TIO?!''
:'''Walter''': Nothing, nothing.
:'''Tuco''': ''BULLSHIT! MY TIO DOES NOT LIE!''
:'''Walter''': I don't know. I swear, I don't know. I, no, I, it, maybe it was, I did change the channel on his TV, but, uh...
:'''Jesse''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's it. While you were cooking, you know, he was watching one of those, uh, those, uh, telenovels, y'know, with all those ripe honeys on it? Y'know, he was really into it. I told you not to change the channel, man! Y'know, dude needs his eye candy. That's it!
:'''Tuco''': Hahahahaha! ''Tio!'' Is that it, ''tio?'' Is that it, ''tio?'' Did they change your ''mamitas?'' ''[Hector is silent]'' What are you telling me, ''tio?'' Huh? Are they punking me? ''[Hector rings the bell]''
:''[Tuco slowly walks toward Jesse]''
:'''Jesse''': Hey...no...no, man. No...
:'''Tuco''': ''COME HERE!''
:'''Jesse''': Don't shoot!
:''[Tuco grabs Jesse and drags him outside]''
:'''Walter''': No, no, Tuco!
:''[Walter runs after them as Tuco begins to beat up Jesse]''
:'''Walter''': Tuco...
:'''Tuco''': ''SHUT UP!''
:''[Tuco punches Jesse in the stomach and points the rifle at his head]''
:'''Jesse''': No, please, no! God, please, no! Oh God, I don't wanna die!
:'''Tuco''': Tell me what you did, Walter!
:'''Jesse''': Jesus, I don't wanna die! NO!
:'''Tuco''': ''TELL ME WHAT YOU DID!''
:''[Walter notices Jesse has dug up a rock]''
:'''Walter''': We tried to poison you. We tried to poison you because you are an insane, degenerate piece of filth and you deserve to die.
:''[Jesse bashes Tuco in the face with the rock. He drops the rifle into a shallow pit. Walter grabs it as Tuco and Jesse scuffle on the ground. Jesse manages to grab a small pistol tucked into Tuco's belt and shoots Tuco in the gut. Tuco screams in pain]''
:'''Jesse''': ''[kicking Tuco into the shallow pit]'' Who's the bitch now?!
:'''Walter''': Let him bleed.

=== ''Bit by a Dead Bee'' [2.03] ===

:'''[[w:Marie Schrader|Marie]]''': Well, which supermarket? Is it like a big one? Like a chain?
:'''[[w:Skyler White|Skyler]]''': Marie...
:'''Marie''': Don't get me wrong. I think it's just great that he's, y'know, back and he's feeling better. I just, I mean, he...naked. He was ''naked'' naked in a supermarket. It wasn't Whole Foods, was it?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[Hank is interrogating Jesse about his car being found at Tuco's hideout]''
:'''[[w:Hank Schrader|Hank]]''': So who's your chief, little Injun?
:'''[[w:Jesse Pinkman|Jesse]]''': What? What does that even mean?
:'''Hank''': It means I think your story's bullshit. I think you know who Tuco Salamanca was. I think your car was there because ''you'' were there. Tuco had a bullet in him when I got there and I think you know something about that, too.
:'''Jesse''': So what're you saying? Like, I shot someone with, like, a gun?
:'''Hank''': You? No. Only shooting that you do is into a Kleenex.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[Walter is in therapy to help treat his &quot;fugue state&quot;]
:'''[[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad)|Walter]]''': Look, doctor, I feel fine. Really. Now, if this is ''truly'' necessary, can't I continue as an outpatient?
:'''Therapist''': Walt, a fugue state is a very serious event. What if you were to disassociate when you were driving? What if you were to get into a situation where you could be shot by the police? You understand we can't allow you to leave, until we're certain what happened is a non-recurring event. Saying you feel fine doesn't solve this.
:''[Walter considers this]''
:'''Walter''': Would you tell me about patient confidentiality?
:'''Therapist''': It's very straightforward; without your permission, I can't disclose anything you tell me to anyone.
:'''Walter''': What about my family?
:'''Therapist''': Not to your family, not to the police, not to anyone. The only exception would be if you threatened to kill someone...then I'd be able to tell that person, but only that person.
:'''Walter''': And you - as a medical practitioner - you abide by these strictures absolutely?
:'''Therapist''': Yes.
:'''Walter''': Alright...there was no fugue state. I remember everything. ''[stands up, removes tubing]'' The truth is... I couldn't stand to spend another second in that house. I just had to...get out, and so I left. I didn't think about it, I just did it. I-I walked for a long time, and when I couldn't walk anymore, I hitchhiked. I got as far as Gallup... ''[sighs]'' ...and then it was just time to come home.
:'''Therapist''': So, being found naked in a supermarket; that was your way of giving credibility to a lie, of avoiding questions about your disappearance? Why run away? What did you feel you had to run from?
:'''Walter''': Doctor, my wife is seven months pregnant with a baby we didn't intend. My fifteen-year old son has cerebral palsy. I am an extremely overqualified high school chemistry teacher. When I can work, I make $43,700 per year. I have watched all of my colleagues and friends surpass me in every way imaginable, and within eighteen months, I will be dead. And you ask why I ran?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[Hank and Gomez have had Tuco's uncle Hector brought to the interrogation room in hopes that he'll identify Jesse]''
:'''Hank''': Gomie, you want to do the honors?
:'''Gomez''': ''Buenos tardes, Señor Salamanca. Entiendes el ingles?'' ''[&quot;Good evening, Mr. Salamanca. Do you understand English?&quot;]''
:''[Hector rings the bell]''
:'''Hank''': What does that mean?
:'''Nurse''': That means &quot;yes&quot;. &quot;Yes&quot; is a bell, &quot;no&quot; is no bell.
:'''Jesse''': Oh c'mon, this is bullshit! I mean look at this dude, alright? He doesn't even know what planet he's living on!
:'''Gomez''': ''Señor'', are we on the planet Mars? ''[no bell]'' Are we on the planet Saturn? ''[no bell]'' Are we on the planet Earth? ''[Hector rings the bell]'' ''Señor'', is today Friday? ''[no bell]'' Is today Monday? ''[no bell]'' Is today Tuesday? ''[Hector rings the bell]''
:'''Hank''': Okay, seems like he's all there. Let's go for it.
:'''Gomez''': ''Señor'', was this man at your house yesterday? ''[Hector does nothing]'' Señor, was this man at your house yesterday?
:'''Hank''': This guy right here, he was at your house, right? Was he doing business with your nephew Tuco?
:'''Gomez''': ''Señor'', are you scared of this man?
:'''Hank''': Nah, he's not scared. C'mon granddad, why don't you wanna help us out?
:''[Hector turns to Hank, stands up, and defecates in his chair]''
:'''Gomez''': Oh man!
:'''Hank''': I guess that's a &quot;no&quot;....

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Walter''': Pay phone?
:'''Jesse''': Pay phone, middle of nowhere, nobody followed. So how'd it go?
:'''Walter''': Okay. You?
:'''Jesse''': They sweated me plenty, but they finally cut me loose. So you getting out of there?
:'''Walter''' Tomorrow. So who came for you? The DEA? What'd they ask you?
:'''Jesse''': Yeah, that's the thing, y'know? Your scumbag brother-in-law took my rainy day fund.
:'''Walter''': Your what? What is that?
:'''Jesse''': My rainy day fund, $68,000, okay? Cue ball son of a bitch laughed in my face. Now I got, like, eighty bucks to my name.
:'''Walter''': Wait, wait, what does he know? Does he know it's your money?
:'''Jesse''': No, man, he doesn't know shit, okay? The plan worked. He bought it. I got bills due, man. I'm screwed.
:'''Walter''': Did he mention my name?
:'''Jesse''': No, thanks for caring.
:'''Walter''': How about the basement?
:'''Jesse''': It's clean.
:'''Walter''': And the RV?
:'''Jesse''': Badger's cousin took it to his garage. It's safe.
:'''Walter''': Can he get it running again?
:'''Jesse''': Why?
:'''Walter''': So we can cook.
:'''Jesse''': You still wanna cook? Seriously?
:'''Walter''': What's changed, Jesse?

=== ''Down'' [2.04] ===

:'''[[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad)|Walter]]''': ''[to Skyler]'' Our son doesn't know who [[w:Boz Scaggs|Boz Scaggs]] is. We have failed as parents.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[Movers are taking away Jesse's things]''
:'''[[w:Jesse Pinkman|Jesse]]''': Hey, hey! What the hell, yo? I thought this was just a wake-up call!
:'''Mrs. Pinkman''': We are putting it in storage. When you decide to grow up, you can have it back.
:'''Jesse''': No, why don't you grow up, mom? Ginny wanted me here! Alright, I was the one who took care of her. Alright, I took her to her appointments and made her lunch everyday. I earned this!
:'''Mrs. Pinkman''': You did not make her lunch everyday.
:'''Jesse''': What'd you do, huh? She's lying there dying, and where the hell are you?
:'''Mrs. Pinkman''': Don't start with me.
:'''Jesse''': And now what? You decided to, oh I don't know, make your eldest son homeless? Wow, great family, mom!
:''[Mrs. Pinkman slaps Jesse]''
:'''Mrs. Pinkman''': Why are you like this?! Why?! ''[pause]'' You have two sets of keys and the padlock to the garage. Leave them on the kitchen counter when you leave.
:'''Jesse''': No, mom, mom, mom! Hey, where am I supposed to go?
:'''Mrs. Pinkman''': I don't know, sweetheart. But please, turn your life around.
:'''Jesse''': Yeah, yeah, this is gonna help big time with that. BITCH!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[Walter picks up the phone]''
:'''Walter''': White residence.
:'''Jesse''': Yo, it's me. Is this a good time?
:'''Walter''': What part of &quot;no contact&quot; didn't you understand?
:'''Jesse''': I know, but there's a problem.
:'''Walter''': I don't care. We agreed...''[Skyler walks by]''...no amount of pay-per-view channels is going to make a difference. Honey, we're happy with our cable provider, right? Yep, we're happy. ''[Walter hangs up]''
:...
:'''Walter''': What?
:'''Jesse''': Yo, I get that I shouldn't call, but I'm in a situation over here and I need my money.
:'''Walter''': I ''just'' gave you $600.
:'''Jesse''': Yeah, and thanks, Daddy Warbucks, but that was before my housing situation went ''completely testicular'' on me, okay?!
:'''Walter''': You smoked the entire 600, didn't you.
:'''Jesse''': What? No!
:'''Walter''': Yes!
:'''Jesse''': '''No!'''
:'''Walter''': Look, Jesse. Your problems are just that: ''your'' problems. No contact! Do not call here ever! When the moment is right, I will call-
:'''Jesse''': Mr. White, you're not listening-
:'''Walter''': No, no, no! ''[hangs up]''
:'''Jesse''': They're kicking me out of my house!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''[[w:Skyler White|Skyler]]''': Okay, don't talk, Walt! Shut up and say something that isn't complete bullshit! You want to know what you have to do? You have to tell me what's really going on right now &amp;ndash; today. No more excuses, no more apologies, no more of these...these obvious desperate breakfasts! You don't wanna lose contact with me, Walt? Good. Then tell me. Now.
:''[long pause]''
:'''Walter''': Tell you what?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:''[Walter sees Jesse's RV parked in front of his house]''
:'''Walter''': What the f...?
:''[Walter knocks on the door and Jesse lets him in]''
:'''Jesse''': Yo, I'm really sorry, okay?
:'''Walter''': What is wrong with you? Why are you blue? Aw Jesus...
:'''Jesse''': Long story. Let's just say it starts with my parents being greedy kleptomaniac douchebags.
:'''Walter''': Are you actually this stupid...
:'''Jesse''': No, look, I know this isn't an optimal situation...
:'''Walter''': ...to come to my house, and park on my street, driving this vehicle? I mean, what the hell is wrong with you?! I'm really asking!
:'''Jesse''': Nothing. I'm sorry, I just...
:'''Walter''': What if Skyler had seen you, huh? What then? What was the plan then, genius? Hm?
:'''Jesse''': I don't know.
:'''Walter''': You don't know. You know why you don't know? Because you don't think! That's why! You don't think! You never figured out how to think, did you, big man?
:'''Jesse''': Hey, I said I was sorry, alright? I just need my half of the money and I'll go!
:'''Walter''': Your half? There is no your half of the money! There is only my all of it, do you understand?! Why, why should I be penalized because of your sloppiness?!
:''[Walter pushes Jesse]''
:'''Jesse''': Look, that is completely uncool, alright? We agreed 50/50, partners!
:'''Walter''': Partners in what? What exactly do you do here, I've been meaning to ask. Because I'm the producer, right? I cook. But from what I can tell, you are just a drug addict! You are a pathetic junkie too stupid to understand and follow simple rudimentary instructions! Too stupid to&amp;ndash;
:''[Jesse grabs Walter by the head and shoves him into the wall. The two struggle. Jesse pushes Walter to the ground and starts to strangle him. He lifts his fist up to punch Walter.]''
:'''Walter''': ...Do it...
:''[Jesse lowers his fist and collapses next to Walter, both exhausted]''

=== ''Breakage'' [2.05] ===

:'''[[w:Hank Schrader|Hank]]''': So things are quiet, y'know? Not a lot of crystal on the streets right now.
:'''Merkert''': Good.
:'''Hank''': Of course that's not gonna last. I'm waiting to see who's gonna rally the roaches now that his turf is up for grabs.
:'''Merkert''': No takers so far?
:'''Hank''': Well, we keep hearing a name. Heisenberg. Lately pretty much every dimebagger we come across.
:'''Merkert''': Heisenberg?
:'''Hank''': Yeah, I know. Maybe it's a tweaker urban legend. Still, somebody somewhere is cooking that big blue we keep finding.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jesse''': I got profile now, yo. Don't you get that? DEA's up my ass. ''[takes a sip of his beer]'' No, I'm not exposing myself to that level of risk for chump change. - No way.
:'''Walter''': ''[in a calm tone]'' - Then what do you suggest we do? I don't think either of us are eager to jump into bed with another Tuco.
:'''Jesse''': Tuco? No, man ... no more Taco... I got bills, man.
:'''Walter''': ''[squints eyes at Jesse]'' You've got bills? 
:'''Jesse''': Rent, yo. Responsibilities and whatnot. I've already lost more than I've made and I am tired of dicking around out here. ''[takes a sip of his beer]''
:'''Walter''': You wanna know how much I've got left? After completing my first round of treatment and financing the world's most expensive alibi? Zero. Zip. Nothing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jesse''': We got to be Tuco. Alright, cut out the middle man, run our own game.
:'''[[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad)|Walter]]''': So you're going to what? Snort meth off a bowie knife? You're gonna beat your homies to death when they &quot;dis&quot; you?
:'''Jesse''': Look, I know some guys, alright? I can create a network. Look, we control production and distribution. That way we stay off the front lines while moving some serious glass. I mean, the point here is to make money, right? Sky high stacks!
:'''Walter''': No.
:'''Jesse''': No? That's not the point?
:'''Walter''': No, I am not willing to do that!
:'''Jesse''': Who said anything about you?
:'''Walter''': I don't vote for this plan. I'm not comfortable bringing in unknown entities into our operation.
:'''Jesse''': Yeah? Well, you don't get to vote.
:'''Walter''': I beg your pardon? This is a partnership, remember?
:'''Jesse''': I remember, oh, I remember. That you cook, I sell. That was the division of labor when we started all this. And that's exactly how we should have kept it! 'Cause I sure as hell didn't find myself locked in a trunk or on my knees with a GUN to my head before your greedy old ass came along, alright?
:'''Walter''': Alright, I will admit to a bit of a learning curve.
:'''Jesse''': Oh-ho!
:'''Walter''': And perhaps I was overly ambitious. In any case, it's not gonna happen that way anymore.
:'''Jesse''': Yeah, damn straight. Know why? 'Cause we do things my way this time or I walk! You need me more than I need you...Walt.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''[[w:Walter White, Jr.|Walter Jr.]]''': Yeah. Hell yeah. Kick ass and take names.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jesse and Walter meet after Skinny Pete gets robbed]''
:'''Jesse''': ''[hands Walter a paper bag]'' Your half. 15K, that's what I'm talking about. ''[Walter scowls at Jesse]'' Uh, you're welcome? Jesus!
:'''Walter''': Help me understand the math, okay? I gave you one pound, correct? You and I split $2,000 per ounce, $1,000 each. One pound - that's sixteen ounces. Sixteen ounces should net to me $16,000. ''Sixteen'', not fifteen.
:'''Jesse''': ''[quietly]'' Something came up.
:'''Walter''': Something came up?
:'''Jesse''': One of my guys got held up by a couple junkies... lost an ounce. But it's cool, okay? Skinny Pete's cool.
:'''Walter''': Oh-ho! So you're saying that your guy got robbed - or rather, ''you'' got robbed - but, it doesn't matter. Hm?
:'''Jesse''': Dude, it's called breakage, okay? Like Kmart, shit breaks.
:'''Walter''': And you're thinking this is acceptable?
:'''Jesse''': It's the cost of business, yo! You're sweating me over a grand?
:'''Walter''': Hey, look, I'm just the chemist here! I'm not the street guy, ''yo''... but it seems to me that what you call breakage is just you making a fool of yourself. I've got another technical term for you: non-sustainable business model.
:'''Jesse''': You're focusing on the negative. Six grand a ''day'', we're making. What's your problem?
:'''Walter''': What happens when word gets out, and it's open season on these clowns you've hired, hm? Once everyone knows, that ''Jesse Pinkman, drug lord,'' can be robbed with impunity?
:'''Jesse''': Man, come on-
:'''Walter''': You think Tuco had breakage? I guess it's true, he did... he broke bones. He broke the skull of anybody who tried to rip him off.
:'''Jesse''': You want another grand? Is that it?
:'''Walter''': That's not my point.
:'''Jesse''': Take it! Here!
:''[Jesse throws the money into Walter's car. Walter throws it back]''
:'''Jesse''': Look, you got fifteen thousand you didn't have yesterday! Hey, we're making bank; shit happens! My guys get what they're up against, and they're careful. So am I, and you're all tucked in at night with your precious family. So why don't you just stop being such a freak about everything?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Walter''': You asked me what I want you to do.
:''[Walter places a gun in front of Jesse]''
:'''Walter''': I want you to handle it.

=== ''Peekaboo'' [2.06] ===

:'''[[w:Jesse Pinkman|Jesse]]''': You got something for me?
:'''Skinny Pete''': Yeah, I found 'em.
:''[Skinny Pete hands Jesse a piece of paper]''
:'''Jesse''': Is this a five or an S?
:'''Skinny Pete''': Five, yo. No wait...S. No, no...yeah, five.
:'''Jesse''': Yeah? Jesus, how the hell do you spell &quot;street&quot; wrong? S-T-R-E-A-T?
:'''Skinny Pete''': Hey, man, I'm slingin' mad volume and fat stackin' benjis, you know what I'm sayin'? I can't be all about, like, spelling and shit.
:'''Jesse''': Okay. So they got names?
:'''Skinny Pete''': Hers is like, I dunno, she's just his woman is all. Him, they call Spooge.
:'''Jesse''': Spooge? Not Mad Dog? Not Diesel? So lemme get this straight, you got jacked by a guy named Spooge?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad)|Walter]]''': The man who invented the diamond. All right. [[w:Tracy Hall|H. Tracy Hall]] &amp;ndash; write this name down. Dr. Hall invented the first reproducible process for making synthetic diamonds. I mean, this is way back in the 50's. Now today, synthetic diamonds are used in oil drilling, electronics, multi-billion dollar industries. Now at the time, Dr. Hall worked for General Electric and he made them a fortune. I mean, incalculable. You want to know how GE rewarded Dr. Hall? A $10 U.S. savings bond. ''[Walt becomes angry but calms himself]'' Anyway, a savings bond printed on carbon-based paper paid to a carbon-based man for something he made out of...carbon.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Spooge''': I told ya, Diesel, we ain't holding, man.
:'''Spooge's Woman''': We shot it all.
:'''Jesse''': Yeah? You shot an ounce? In a day and a half?
:'''Spooge''': Yeah.
:'''Jesse''': Alright, tell you what. Both of you pull it out your butts right now, or I go grab a flashlight and some pliers and go exploring.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Gretchen''': Let me just get this straight: Elliott and I offered to pay for your treatment, no strings attached &amp;ndash; an offer which still stands, by the way &amp;ndash; and you turn us down out of pride, whatever. And then you tell your wife that in fact we are paying for your treatment. Without our knowledge, against our will, you involve us in your lie, and you sit here and tell me that that is none of my business?
:''[long pause]''
:'''Walter''': Yeah. That's pretty much the size of it.
:'''Gretchen''': What happened to you? Really, Walt? What happened? Because this isn't you.
:'''Walter''': What would you know about me, Gretchen? What would your presumption about me be, exactly? That I should go begging for your charity, and you waving your checkbook around like some magic wand is going to make me forget how you and Elliott &amp;ndash; how you and Elliott &amp;ndash; cut me out?
:'''Gretchen''': What? That can't be how you see it.
:'''Walter''': It was my hard work. My research. And you and Elliott made millions off it.
:'''Gretchen''': That cannot be how you see it.
:'''Walter''': Oh God, that's beautifully done.
:'''Gretchen''': You left.
:'''Walter''': You are always the picture of innocence.
:'''Gretchen''': You left me.
:'''Walter''': The picture of innocence. Just sweetness and light.
:'''Gretchen''': You left me. Fourth of July weekend, you and my father and my brothers. And I go up to our room and you are packing your bags. Barely talking. What, did I dream all that?
:'''Walter''': That's your excuse? To build your little empire on my work?
:'''Gretchen''': How could you say that to me? You walked away, you abandoned us. Me, Elliott...
:'''Walter''': Little rich girl, just adding to your millions.
:'''Gretchen''': I don't even know what to say to you. I don't even know where to begin. I feel so sorry for you, Walt.
:'''Walter''': ''Fuck you.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Jesse''': You have a good rest of your life, kid.

=== ''Negro Y Azul'' [2.07] ===

:''[A norteño band has written a song about &quot;Heisenberg&quot;]''&lt;br /&gt;
:The city's called Duke,&lt;br /&gt;
:The state's called New Mexico.&lt;br /&gt;
:Among the gangsters,&lt;br /&gt;
:The gringo's fame is inflated&lt;br /&gt;
:'Cause of the new drug they created.&lt;br /&gt;
:They say the color is blue&lt;br /&gt;
:And the quality pure.&lt;br /&gt;
:The potent drug's runnin'&lt;br /&gt;
:Through the city,&lt;br /&gt;
:And no one could stop it&lt;br /&gt;
:If they wanted to.&lt;br /&gt;
:The cartel's runnin' hot because&lt;br /&gt;
:They weren't getting respect.&lt;br /&gt;
:Talkin' 'bout some &quot;Heisenberg&quot;&lt;br /&gt;
:Who owns the market now.&lt;br /&gt;
:No one knows the man since&lt;br /&gt;
:They've never seen his face.&lt;br /&gt;
:The cartel's 'bout respect&lt;br /&gt;
:And they ain't forgiving.&lt;br /&gt;
:But that homie's dead,&lt;br /&gt;
:He just doesn't know it yet.&lt;br /&gt;
:Heisenberg's fame has got&lt;br /&gt;
:Down to Michoacan.&lt;br /&gt;
:From way far away&lt;br /&gt;
:They want to taste that meth.&lt;br /&gt;
:That blue stuff crossed the border,&lt;br /&gt;
:Now New Mexico's livin' up to its name.&lt;br /&gt;
:Looks just like Mexico&lt;br /&gt;
:In all the drugs it's hiding.&lt;br /&gt;
:Except there's a gringo boss&lt;br /&gt;
:And he's known as &quot;Heisenberg&quot;.&lt;br /&gt;
:The cartel's runnin' hot because&lt;br /&gt;
:They weren't getting respect,&lt;br /&gt;
:Talkin' 'bout some &quot;Heisenberg&quot;&lt;br /&gt;
:Who owns the market now.&lt;br /&gt;
:No one knows the man since&lt;br /&gt;
:They've never seen his face.&lt;br /&gt;
:The fury of the cartel&lt;br /&gt;
:Ain't no one escaped it yet.&lt;br /&gt;
:But that homie's dead,&lt;br /&gt;
:He just doesn't know it yet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Jesse Pinkman|Jesse]]''': What are you talking about? 
:'''[[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad)|Walter]]''':  Apparently, it's all over town. Somebody crossed you, you got angry you crushed their skull with an ATM machine.
:'''[[w:Jesse Pinkman|Jesse]]''': That's not how it happened.
:'''[[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad)|Walter]]''': Who cares as long as it's our competitors who believe it and not the police? -Oh, my-- 
:'''[[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad)|Walter]]''': - No, don't you see how great this is? Look, you.. You are a --
:'''[[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad)|Walter]]''': Jesse, look at me, you are a [[w:blow fish|blow fish]].
:'''[[w:Jesse Pinkman|Jesse]]''': What?
:'''Walter''': A blow fish, think about it. Small in stature, not swift, not cunning, easy prey for predators. But the blow fish has a secret weapon, doesn't he? Doesn't he? What does the blow fish do, Jesse? What does the blow fish do?
:'''Jesse''': I don't even know what...
:'''Walter''': The blow fish puffs up, okay? The blow fish puffs himself up four, five times larger than normal, but why? Why does he do that? Because it makes him intimidating, that's why. Intimidating so that the other scarier fish are scared off and that's you. You are a blow fish. Don't you see? It's just all&amp;ndash;all an illusion. It's nothing but air. Now, who messes with the blow fish, Jesse?
:'''Jesse''': Nobody.
:'''Walter''': You're damn right.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tortuga''': Hey white boy, my name's Tortuga. You know what that means?
:'''[[w:Hank Schrader|Hank]]''': If I have to guess, I'd say that's Spanish for asshole.
:'''Tortuga''': Tortuga means turtle, and that's me. I take my time but I always win.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The DEA finds Tortuga's severed head on a turtle with the words &quot;Hola DEA&quot; written on it. Hank staggers back to the truck, feeling sick]''
:'''Vanco''': Schrader, where you going?
:'''Hank''': E...Evidence bag...bag...
:''[The other DEA agents laugh]''
:'''Vanco''': What's the matter, Schrader? You act like you've never seen a severed human head on a tortoise before!
:''[Four DEA agents gather around the turtle]''
:'''Vanco''': Hey! Welcome to&amp;ndash;
:''[A hidden bomb inside the turtle explodes, blowing away three agents and blowing off Vanco's leg]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jesse''': The game has changed, yo. This is our city, alright? All of it. The whole damn place. Our territory. We're staking our claim. Yo, we sell when we want, where we want. We're gonna be kings, understand? Well, I'm gonna be king and you guys will be, like, princes or dukes or something.
:'''Badger''': I wanna be a knight.
:'''Jesse''': But first things first: we gotta get more dealers, y'know, foot soldiers, alright? Now they'll be working for you, you're working for me, and I'm working for you. You follow me? Layered, like nachos. Exponential growth. That's success, with a capital S.
:'''Skinny Pete''': Straight up, straight up.
:'''Combo''': Fo' shizzle.
:'''Badger''': Friggin' awesome.
:''[Everybody puts their hands in. Jesse leaves, heads outside and gets into Walter's car]''
:'''Jesse''': Well, we're set. Boys are ready. Gonna make some mad cheddar, yo. ''[Walter looks at Jesse]'' Cheddar, Mr. White. Fat stacks. Dead Presidents. Cash money. We're gonna own this city.
:'''Walter''': We're not charging enough.
:'''Jesse''': What?
:'''Walter''': Corner the market, then raise the price. Simple economics.

=== ''Better Call Saul'' [2.08] ===
:''[Hank is holed up in bed due to the trauma from the Tortuga bomb incident]''
:'''[[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad)|Walter]]''': I have spent my whole life scared &amp;ndash; frightened of things that could happen, might happen, might not happen. Fifty years I spent like that. Finding myself awake at three in the morning. But you know what? Ever since my diagnosis, I sleep just fine.
:'''[[w:Hank Schrader|Hank]]''': ''Hmmm''...okay.
:'''Walter''': And I came to realize: it's that fear, that's the worst of it. That's the real enemy. So... get up, get out in the real world, and you kick that bastard as hard as you can right in the teeth.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Saul enters the interrogation room where Badger is being questioned]''
:'''[[w:Saul Goodman|Saul Goodman]]''': ''[buzzer sound]'' What're you doin', detective? What're you doing, talking to my client without me present? You sneaky Pete! ''[looks at Getz]'' Heh, which is which? What, did the- did the academy hire you right out of the womb? You guys get younger every- ''[to Badger]'' What'd you say to baby face, huh? Did you say anything stupid? By anything stupid, I mean ''anything at all''.
:'''Badger''': I-
:'''Saul''': Oh, look at you. Mouth open, vocal chords a-twitter... we'll talk about it later. ''[to Getz]'' Right now, you. Out. Ten minutes ago. Go on. There are ''laws'', detective; have your kindergarten teacher read them to you, alright? Go grab a juice box, have a nap, go on. ''[Getz leaves]'' All right, who do we have?
:'''Badger''': Brandon Mayhew.
:'''Saul''': ''[looking through his files]'' Brandon Mayhew...alright...Brandon Mayhew...ah, here we go. Public masturbation.
:'''Badger''': What?
:'''Saul''': I don't get it. What's the kick? Why don't you do it at home like the rest of us, with a big flatscreen TV, fifty channels of Pay-Per-View? ''[looks back at the file]'' In a Starbucks! That's nice, ''heh heh''.
:'''Badger''': That ain't me, man! I'm&amp;ndash; I was the guy who was selling meth...allegedly.
:'''Saul''': ''[looking through his files]'' Okay, all right, I gotcha. Meth. Right. Sorry, that was a little transpositional error. Nothing that a little white-out can't take care of. Yeah, and uh... felony quantity.
:'''Badger:''' Just barely.
:'''Saul''': Yeah, just barely. The cops around here are like butchers - always got their thumbs on the scales, y'know - but good luck arguing that in court. Let me get down to brass tacks: I'm gonna get you a second phone call, okay? You're gonna call your mommy or your daddy or your parish priest or your Boy Scout leader and they're gonna deliver me a check for $4,650. I'm gonna write that down on the back of my business card. ''[Saul writes the amount down]'' Four-six-five-zero. Okay? And I need that in a cashier's check or a money order, doesn't matter &amp;ndash; actually, I want it in a money order... and make it out to Ice Station Zebra Associates. That's my loan-out. It's totally legit. It's done just for tax purposes. And after that, we can discuss Visa or MasterCard, but definitely ''not'' American Express, so don't even ask. All right? Any questions?
:'''Badger:''' Uh... you're gonna get me off, right?
:'''Saul''': What do I look like, your high school girlfriend? Five fingers, no waiting? ''[Badger stares at him]'' That's a joke, Brandon! Lighten up! ''[in low voice]'' Son, I promise you this: I will give you the best criminal defense that money can buy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Walt and Jesse pull up outside Saul's strip mall office]''
:'''[[w:Jesse Pinkman|Jesse]]''': Sooner or later, this was gonna happen. If you want your &quot;exponential growth&quot;, guys are gonna get busted. Simple as that.
:'''Walter''': So, how about we get him a real attorney? I mean, what the hell is this? This is who he hires?
:'''Jesse''': What? You kidding me? ''This'' is the guy you want. This is the guy I'd hire.
:'''Walter''': ''[sarcastically]'' ''Ooh'', this is the guy you'd hire.
:'''Jesse''': Look, you remember Emilio? 'Kay, this dude got Emilio off, like, twice. 'Kay, both times they had him dead to rights, yo, and then &quot;poof.&quot; Dude's like [[w:Harry Houdini|Houdini]]. Seriously, when the going gets tough, you don't want a criminal lawyer, all right? You want a ''criminal lawyer''. You know what I'm saying?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Walt and Jesse kidnap Saul and take him out to an open grave in the desert]''
:'''Saul''': No, it wasn't me! It was [[w:Nacho Varga|Ignacio]], he's the one! Oh no, oh no, no, no, no! ''Siempre soy amigo! Siempre! Siempre soy amigo del cartel!''
:'''Jesse''': Shut up, dude! Shut up, alright? Just speak English.
:'''Saul''': [[w:Lalo Salamanca|Lalo]] didn't send you? No Lalo?!
:'''Jesse''': ...Who?
:'''Saul''': ''Oh, thank God! Oh, Christ! Oh,'' I thought... Wha-what can I do for you, gentlemen? Anything, just-just tell me what you need!
:'''Jesse''': This afternoon, an associate of ours offered you $10,000. You should have taken it.
:'''Saul''': Wait a minute, this is in regards to what's-his-name-
:'''Jesse''': Badger! Brandon Mayhew.
:'''Saul''': The uncle? The uncle, that was your guy? Heh, no offense, guys, but I don't take bribes from strangers, you know? Better safe than sorry–that's my motto. But I'll take your money, sure!
:'''Jesse''': Nah, that offer's expired, yo! 
:'''Saul''': It was kinda low, anyways, but okay, okay! I'll take it! Just tell me what you need, alright? I'm easy. I'm gonna keep a happy thought and assume this is just a negotiating tactic.
:'''Jesse''': Alright, listen to me very carefully. You are going to give Badger Mayhew the best legal representation ever, but ''no deals'' with the DEA, alright? Badger will not identify anyone to anybody. If he does, you're dead!
:'''Saul''': Why don't you just kill Badger? ''[pause]'' I mean, follow me guys: If a mosquito is buzzing around you and it bites you in the ass, you don't go gunning for the mosquito's attorney! You go grab a fly swatter–I mean, so to speak. All due respect, but do I have to spell this out for you?
:'''Jesse''': We're not killing Badger, yo!
:'''Saul''': Then you got real problems, okay? Because the DEA's gonna come down on your boy like a proverbial ton of bricks. I mean, I-I don't think I'm going out on a limb here but, hey–he's not gonna like prison. He's gonna sing like Celine Dion, regardless of what you do to me.
:''[Walt breaks out into a coughing fit]''
:'''Saul''': Mr. Mayhew? Recognized your cough. Take that mask off, y'know. Get some air. Go on.
:''[Walt takes off his mask. Jesse smacks him]''
:'''Saul''': Take it easy! Breathe in, breathe out. I'm gonna stand up, alright, 'cause I got bad knees. ''[gets up]'' That's better. Okay, now listen. The three of us are gonna work this out.
:'''Jesse''': Yeah? How?
:'''Saul''': First things first–you're gonna put a dollar in my pocket, both of you. ''[pause]'' You want attorney-client privilege, don't you? So that everything you say is strictly between us. ''I mean it!'' Put a dollar in my pocket! Come on, make it official. Come on, do it. That's it, come on. Just a dollar. 
:''[Walt puts a dollar in Saul's pocket. Saul turns to Jesse]''
:'''Saul''': Alright, now you, ski bum. Come on, get with the dollar.
:'''Walter''': Go on.
:'''Saul''': Be smart.
:'''Jesse''': ''What?!'' ''[digs through his wallet]'' All I got's a five.
:'''Saul''': I'll take a five! Come on, already. Come on, be cool.
:''[Jesse puts the dollar in Saul's pocket]''
:'''Saul''': Okay, now you're both officially represented by Saul Goodman and Associates. Your secrets are safe with me, under threat of disbarment.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Saul finds Walter after school in the classroom]''
:'''Saul''': Oh, my God! You really are a chemistry teacher! ''Heh heh''. Uh, you mind? ''[Saul closes the door]'' I was terrible at chemistry. I'm more of a humanities guy.
:'''Walter''': How did you find me?
:'''Saul''': We should talk about that. It should be much, much harder for people to track you down. [[w:Mike Ehrmantraut | My P.I.]] charged me for three hours, so I seriously doubt it took him more than one.
:'''Walter''': So this is what? Blackmail?
:'''Saul''': Walter, I'm your lawyer. Anything you say to me is totally privileged. I'm not in the shakedown racket. I'm a lawyer. Even drug dealers need lawyers, right? Especially drug dealers.
:'''Walter''': So what? You're just doing this out of the kindness of your heart?
:'''Saul''': C'mon. Have you seen my hourly rate? ''Heh heh''. Oh, by the way, where do you keep the money? Is it in your mattress? Is it in a jelly jar buried in the side yard, huh? You know, this kid Mayhew may be the first of your guys to get picked up, but he won't be the last. And if I can find you, how far behind can the cops be?
:'''Walter''': I don't understand. What exactly are you offering to do for me?
:'''Saul''': What did [[w:Tom Hagen|Tom Hagen]] do for [[w:Vito Corleone|Vito Corleone]]?
:'''Walter''': I'm no Vito Corleone.
:'''Saul''': No shit! Right now, you're [[w:Fredo Corleone|Fredo]]! But, y'know, with some sound advice and proper introductions, who knows? I'll tell you one thing: You've got the right product. Anything that gets the DEA's panties in this big a bunch, you're onto something special. And I would like to be a small and silent part of it. Food for thought, yeah? ''[he starts to head for the door, but stops]'' So if you want to make more money and, uh, keep the money that you make... ''[taps his foot and holds his arms out with flair, pointing to Walter]'' '''''Better Call Saul'''''!

=== ''4 Days Out'' [2.09] ===

:'''[[w:Saul Goodman|Saul]]''': Look, let's crunch some numbers. How much money are we laundering?
:'''[[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad)|Walter]]''': At this time...$16,000.
:'''Saul''': How long you been doing this?
:'''Walter''': We've had some extenuating circumstances.
:'''Saul''': Yeah, apparently. All right, $16,000 laundered at 75 cents on the dollar, minus my fee, which is 17%, comes out to $9,960. Congratulations, you've just left your family a secondhand Subaru.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Walter''': ''[to Jesse on the payphone]'' Clear your social calendar. We have to cook.
:'''[[w:Jesse Pinkman|Jesse]]''': What? Today?
:'''Walter''': No, you'll need today at least to gather supplies. Now, we're going to need all new glassware, heating mantles, about a hundred pounds of ice. Y-you have a paper and pencil? You should be writing this down.
:'''Jesse''': Yo, you wanna go shopping, go do it yourself, alright? I got plans.
:'''Walter''': Smoking marijuana, eating Cheetos, and masturbating do not constitute plans in my book.
:'''Jesse''': Well, screw you and your book, man, alright? I'm going to a museum in Santa Fe, not like you need to know.
:'''Walter''': You're going to a museum, huh?
:'''Jesse''': Yeah. Georgia O'Keeffe.
:'''Walter''': Georgia O'Keeffe?
:'''Jesse''': She's a painter, duh. She does these vagina pictures. Or paintings, or just painted. I don't know.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After they finish cooking another batch of meth in their RV, Walter and Jesse realize the ignition has stopped working]''
:'''Jesse''': ''[after turning the keys several times]'' Battery’s dead.
:'''Walter''': Jesse, back when I asked you to put the keys in a safe place, where did you put them?
:'''Jesse''': I left them right here. In the, um… in the ignition.
:'''Walter''': Son of a bitch!
:'''Jesse''': Whoa, whoa. No, this is not my fault, alright? The buzzer didn’t buzz.
:'''Walter''': The what?!
:'''Jesse''': The buzzer! The buzzer that buzzes when you put the keys in to, like, let you know that the battery’s on. I know that! It didn’t buzz. Look, I didn’t turn the key or anything, alright? I’m not stupid! Did you hear the buzzer buzz? I did not... It’s faulty, it’s a faulty mechanism.
:'''Walter''': Is this just a genetic thing with you? Is it congenital? Did you—Did your mother drop you on your head when you were a baby?!
:'''Jesse''': The buzzer did not buzz! And you were the one that made me move the keys in the first place, remember?!
:'''Walter''': Yes, I see your point. Your imbecility being what it is, I should have known to say, &quot;Jesse, don’t leave the keys in the ignition ''the entire two days''!&quot;
:'''Jesse''': I wanted to leave them on the counter, bitch! Oh, I’m sorry, the &quot;work station!&quot; Jesus!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Walter and Jesse are stranded without water in their RV in the middle of the desert]''
:'''Walter''': I have this coming.
:'''Jesse''': What?
:'''Walter''': I have it coming. I deserve this.
:'''Jesse''': Snap out of it. All right, first off, everything you did, you did for your family. Right?
:'''Walter''': All I ever managed to do was worry and disappoint them. And lie. Oh God, the lies...I can't even...can't even keep them straight in my head anymore...
:'''Jesse''': You know what? Screw this. I'm walking. You can come or not. Where's my other shoe?
:'''Walter''': Jesse...Jesse...Your body is running dangerously low on electrolytes. Sodium, potassium, calcium...and when they're gone, your brain ceases to communicate with the muscles. Your lungs stop breathing. Your heart stops pumping. You go marching out there, and within an hour, you will be dead.
:'''Jesse''': You need to cut out all your loser crybaby crap right now and think of something scientific!
:'''Walter''': ''[laughs weakly]'' Something... something scientific, right...
:'''Jesse''': Like, come on! Man, you're smart! All right, you made poison out of beans, yo! Look, we've got an entire lab right here. How about you take some of these chemicals and mix up some... some rocket fuel, that way we could just send up a signal flare. Or you make some kind of robot to get us help... or a homing device... or building a battery... ''[Walt's eyes snap open]'' Or what if we just take some stuff off of the RV and build it into something completely different? You know, like a... like a dune buggy! And that way we could just dune buggy our... ''[Walt sits up]'' What? Hey... what is it? What?
:'''Walter''': Do you... do you have any money? Change, I mean, coins?
:'''Jesse''': Yeah, yeah, I got a bunch of 'em!
:'''Walter''': Okay... ''[gets up]''
:'''Jesse''': Yes!
:'''Walter''': Gather them. And&amp;ndash;and&amp;ndash;and washers, and nuts and bolts and screws, and whatever little pieces of metal we can think of that is galvanized &amp;ndash; it has to be galvanized &amp;ndash; or&amp;ndash;or solid zinc.
:'''Jesse''': ''[starts to head outside]'' Solid zinc...
:'''Walter''': And&amp;ndash;and&amp;ndash;and bring me... brake pads! The front wheels should have discs. Take them off and bring them to me.
:'''Jesse''': All right, all right...
:'''Walter''': ''[kicks a toolbox toward Jesse]'' Brake pads!
:'''Jesse''': What are we building?
:'''Walter''': You said it yourself.
:'''Jesse''': A robot?
:'''Walter''': ...A battery.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Walter''': And now, what shall we use to conduct this beautiful current with, hm? What one particular element comes to mind, hm? ''[Walter holds up a copper wire]'' ''Hmm?''
:'''Jesse''': ''Ooooh'', wire.
:'''Walter''': ...Copper.
:'''Jesse''': Oh, I mean...
:'''Walter''': It's copper.

=== ''Over'' [2.10] ===

:'''[[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad)|Walter]]''': The upshot is that I have [[w:Radiation-induced lung injury|radiation pneumonitis]].
:'''[[w:Jesse Pinkman|Jesse]]''': Damn...
:'''Walter''': Actually, it's not as bad as it sounds. It's a fairly common occurrence. Easily treated. In fact, the news is all good.
:'''Jesse''': You mean, good? You mean, like, good good? You mean, like, ''remission'' good?
:'''Walter''': Remission. Not to imply I'm cured. I still have cancer, but there's been a significant reduction in the tumors.
:'''Jesse''': How significant?
:'''Walter''': Eighty percent.
:'''Jesse''': Dude! No way!
:'''Walter''': I'm not out of the woods yet, not by any stretch...but &quot;options&quot; is the word they keep bandying about.
:'''Jesse''': That's awesome! Serious? That's...that's...that's great, man! My aunt, she never...I mean, y'know, at your stage I didn't even think that could happen.
:'''Walter''': ''Eh''.
:'''Jesse''': Mr. White, you kicked its ass, yo! ''[Walter motions for Jesse to quiet down]'' No! You must be so psyched!
:'''Walter''': Of course. I am.
:'''Jesse''': Okay, now we...I mean, what do we...Oh! Hey, I almost forgot. ''[Jesse hands Walter a paper bag filled with money]'' So, how do you want to...y'know...proceed in light of this kickass news?
:'''Walter''': We'll take our time and stay cautious. Sell off what we have and then...well, then I guess I'm done.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Walter''': Um...well, it's kind of funny. When I got my diagnosis &amp;ndash; cancer &amp;ndash; I said to myself, y'know, &quot;Why me?&quot; And then, the other day when I got the good news, I said the same thing. ''[The party guests are silent with confusion]'' Anyway, uh, thank you for coming and...enjoy.
:'''[[w:Hank Schrader|Hank]]''': Wow. Inspirational.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Hank takes a bottle of tequila away after Walter keeps pouring shots for Walter Jr.]''
:'''Walter''': Hey! Bring. The bottle. Back.
:'''Hank''': Sorry, buddy. No can do.
:'''Walter''': My son! My bottle! My house!
:'''Hank''': ''[to other party guests]'' It's all right.
:'''Walter''': What are you waiting for? Bring it back!
:'''Hank''': Why don't we just call it a day? All right, pal? We good?
:''[Hank puts his hand on Walter's shoulder. Walter smacks it away]''
:'''Walter''': The bottle. Now.
:'''Skyler''': What's going on?
:''[Walter Jr. vomits into the pool. Skyler and Hank rush over to him. Walter sits back down and smiles to himself]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jane is looking at Jesse's superhero sketches]''
:'''Jane''': And this is?
:'''Jesse''': That's Backwardo. Oh wait, no, actually I changed it to Rewindo. Anyways, he goes backwards. He can make everything go in reverse.
:'''Jane''': Time and stuff? Time traveling?
:'''Jesse''': No, he just walks backwards.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Walter''': Stay out of my territory.

=== ''Mandala'' [2.11] ===

:'''[[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad)|Walter]]''': God. This entire process has just been so... It's always been one step forward and two steps back. We need your help.
:'''[[w:Saul Goodman|Saul]]''': Look, let's start with some tough love, alright? Ready for this? Here it goes: you two suck at peddling meth. Period.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Walt deduces that the on-duty manager of a Los Pollos Hermanos is probably the distributor who wouldn't meet with him. He summons Gus to his table]''
:'''[[w:Gus Fring|Gus]]''': What can I do for you?
:'''Walter''': Have a seat. Please. ''[Gus sits down across from Walt]'' I would like to know why you wouldn't meet with me yesterday.
:'''Gus''': I'm sorry, I'm not following.
:'''Walter''': I sat here yesterday waiting to meet with someone. I believe that person was you.
:'''Gus''': I think that you're confusing me for someone else.
:'''Walter''': I don't think I am.
:'''Gus''': Sir, if you have a complaint, I suggest you submit it through our e-mail system. I'd be happy to refer you to our website.
:'''Walter''': I was told that the man I'd be meeting with was very careful. A cautious man. I believe we are alike in that way. If you are who I think you are, you should give me another chance.
:''[Gus's demeanor suddenly changes: the open expression remains, but we are instantly made aware that this is a façade, and Gus's true self emerges.]''.
:'''Gus''': I don't think we're alike at all, Mr. White. You are not a cautious man at all. Your partner was late. And he was high.
:'''Walter''': Yes. Yes, he was.
:'''Gus''': He's high often, isn't he? ''[Walter does not answer]'' You have poor judgment. I can't work with someone with poor judgment.
:'''Walter''': Are you familiar with my product?
:'''Gus''': I've been told it's excellent.
:'''Walter''': It is impeccable. It is the purest, most chemically sound product on the market, anywhere.
:'''Gus''': That is not the only factor.
:'''Walter''': You could charge twice the current rate for what I provide and your customers would pay it, hands down. Now, who I choose to do business with on my end is not your problem. You won't see him, you won't interact with him. Forget he exists.
:'''Gus''': I have to ask why. Why him?
:'''Walter''': Because he does what I say. Because I can trust him.
:'''Gus''': How much product do you have left?
:'''Walter''': 38 pounds. Ready to go at a moment's notice. ''[Gus gets up]'' Will I hear from you?
:'''Gus''': I have your numbers. ''[softly]'' You can never trust a drug addict.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Skinny Pete is describing Combo's funeral]''
:'''Skinny Pete''': And you should've seen the coffin. It was like this shiny white pearlescence, like, I'm pretty sure I seen the exact same paint job on a Lexus, right? So we're definitely talking high end.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jesse and Jane are injecting heroin]''
:'''[[w:Jesse Pinkman|Jesse]]''': What's it feel like?
:'''Jane''': There's a chill. Don't freak out, it passes. And then...you'll see. ''[Jane kisses Jesse]'' I'll meet you there.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[As Walt gets up to leave Los Pollos Hermanos, having learned Gus's name, Victor suddenly steps in front of him and blocks him from leaving]''
:'''Victor''': 38 pounds, $1.2 million, [deliver to the] truck stop, two miles south of Exit 13 on the [[w:Interstate 25|25]]. One hour.
:'''Walter''': W-What?
:'''Victor''': One hour. You in or out?
:'''Walter''': In, in, absolutely, but I just need a little more time...
:'''Victor''': One hour. If you miss it, don't ever show your face in here again.

=== ''Phoenix'' [2.12] ===

:'''[[w:Jesse Pinkman|Jesse]]''': How much?
:'''[[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad)|Walter]]''': How much what?
:'''Jesse''': How much did you get for the deal?
:'''Walter''': $1.2 million.
:'''Jesse''': $600,000 each.
:'''Walter''': $480,000. Saul's cut is 20%.
:'''Jesse''' All right, so where's my money?
:'''Walter''': ''Ha!''
:'''Jesse''': What?
:'''Walter''': You are joking, right? If I gave you that money, you would be dead inside of a week.
:'''Jesse''': Yo man, look, I'm off the heroin. I didn't even like it anyway, it made me sick. And the meth, y'know, I could take it or leave it. I'm clean, Mr. White. For real.
:''[Walter tosses an empty beaker to Jesse]''
:'''Walter''': Prove it. Pee in that.
:'''Jesse''': How gay are you, seriously?
:'''Walter''': Pee in it! They're selling testing kits at the drug stores. If you are clean, I will give you every last dime. ''[Jesse is silent]'' No, huh? Well, I guess until then, you'll just have to depend on the kindness of strangers to get high. That and your little junkie girlfriend.
:''[Jesse throws the beaker at Walter. Walter ducks and it shatters against the chalkboard]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Walter''': No, no, it cannot be blind luck or some imaginary relative who saves us. No, I earned that money. ''Me!'' And now my son created his own website &amp;ndash; SaveWalterWhite.com. Soliciting anonymous donations! Do you have any idea how that makes me feel?!
:'''[[w:Saul Goodman|Saul]]''': Well, look at that. It's got [[w:PayPal|PayPal]] and everything.
:'''Walter''': Cyber-begging, that's all that is. Just rattling a little tin cup to the entire world.
:'''Saul''': ''[sarcastically]'' Yeah, there's no deep-seated issues there. Walter, I'm looking at the answer right here. It's staring me in the face. Do I have to spell it out for you?
:'''Walter''': I know, I know. You're thinking that I should be funneling money into my son's website, but absolutely not. No. I am not going to have my family think that some mystery benefactor saved us!
:'''Saul''': Not some mystery benefactor, singular. That would raise too many questions. However—stay with me here... Zombies. ''[chuckles]'' I got a guy who knows this guy, who knows this ''[[w:Rain Man (film)|Rain Man]]'' type. Right? He lives with his mother in her basement in Belarus, alright? So good luck extraditing his fat Russian ass. ''[Walter is about to leave when Saul stops him]'' Wait, wait! He's a hacker-cracker extraordinaire. This guy can hijack random desktops all around the world, turn them into zombies that do his bidding. For instance, he can make it so 20, or 30,000 ''little'' donations come in from all over the U.S. and Canada. Ten, 20, 50 bucks a pop, all paid in full—nice and neat, untraceable—from the good-hearted people of the world to Mr. Walter H. White, cancer saint. Heh. I'm getting a warm and fuzzy feeling just thinking about it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jane''': Do right by Jesse tonight or I will burn you to the ground.
:'''Walter''': Nice job wearing the pants.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jane''': Do you know what this is?
:'''Jesse''': It's a whole lot of cheddar.
:'''Jane''': This is freedom! This is saying I can go anywhere I want! I can be anybody! Who do you want to be? Where do you want to go? South America? Europe? Australia?
:'''Jesse''': Is New Zealand part of Australia?
:'''Jane''': New Zealand is New Zealand!
:'''Jesse''': Right on. New Zealand, that's where they, uh, that's where they made ''[[w:The Lord of the Rings film trilogy|Lord of the Rings]]''! I say we just move there, yo! I mean, you could do your art, right? Like, you could like paint the local castles and shit, and I can be a bush pilot!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jane's father, Donald, discovers Jesse in her bedroom and tries to throw him out. Jesse finds a baseball bat during the scuffle and threatens Donald with it]''
:'''Jesse''': What's with you, yo, huh?! 'Cause I will seriously bust you up!
:'''Donald Margolis''': You miserable little smack-head! Get the hell out!
:'''Jesse''': Hey, I pay my rent, bitch! Alright?! I got civil rights!

=== ''ABQ'' [2.13] ===
:'''[[w:Mike Ehrmantraut|Mike]]''': ''[to Jesse]'' Saul Goodman sent me. ''[pause]'' Come on, inside. Latch the door. Where is she?
:''[Jesse turns his head in the direction of his bedroom. Mike puts on gloves as he walks down the hall; he then looks around and stares briefly at Jane's body before putting Jesse's drug paraphernalia inside a bag and cleaning up the room.]'' 
:'''Mike''': Any other drugs in the house? Think hard. Your freedom depends on it. ''[Jesse shakes his head]'' What about guns? You got any guns in the house? ''[Jesse shakes his head again]'' Here's your story: You woke up. You found her. That's all you know. Say it. Say it, please. &quot;I woke up. I found her. That's all I know.&quot; ''[Jesse begins to cry; Mike slaps him]'' Say it. &quot;I woke up. I found her. That's all I know.&quot;
:'''[[w:Jesse Pinkman|Jesse]]''': I woke up. I found her. That's all I know.
:'''Mike''': Again.
:'''Jesse''': I woke up. I found her. That's all I know.
:'''Mike''': Again. Again.
:'''Jesse''': ''[in rushing tone]'' I woke up. I found her. That's all I know. I woke up. I found her. That's all I know.
:'''Mike''': Once you call it in, the people who show up will be with the Office of Medical Investigations. That's primarily who you'll talk to. Police officers may arrive, they may not. Depends on how busy a morning they're having. Typically OD's are not a high priority call. There's nothing here to incriminate you, so I'd be amazed if you got placed under arrest. However, if you do, you say nothing. You tell them you just want your lawyer and you call Saul Goodman. And do I need to state the obvious? I was not here. You put on a long sleeve shirt and cover those track marks on your arm. ''[hands Jesse a phone]'' Count down from twenty and then you dial. ''[zips up the bag with Jesse's money]'' Hang tough. You're in the home stretch.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Walt finds Jesse strung out in a trap house and rushes over to him]''
:'''[[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad)|Walter]]''': Jesse. Jesse! Look at me, son. Wake up. Wake up.
:'''Jesse''': Hey. I ain't got nothing for you, man. It's all gone.
:'''Walter''': Jesse, wake up. Just- ''(Jesse starts thrashing)'' Jesse! Jesse, it's me! It's Walt! It's Walt.
:'''Jesse''': Yeah...
:'''Walter''': Come on, let's get out of here.
:'''Jesse''': No, nonono, no, nono, no. I'm good.
:'''Walter''': Come on. Help me out, now.
:'''Jesse''': I'm good. I'm good - right here, man. Right here.
:'''Walter''': Listen, Jesse. You are not good right here. You are not good at all, you hear? Now, you just put your arms around me. Come on. You're gonna stand up, and we're gonna- we're gonna walk out of here. Okay? ''(Jesse does so)'' We're gonna take you someplace nice and safe. That's it. Now, let's go, come on. Here we go.
:''[Jesse starts sobbing]''
:'''Jesse''': I killed her.
:'''Walter''': What?
:'''Jesse''': ''I killed her, it was me!'' I killed her, man, I killed her!
:'''Walter''': Jesse, look at me. Look at me. You didn't kill anybody.
:'''Jesse''': I loved her... ''I loved her more than anything.''
:''[Walter hugs him]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Walter''': Look, Jesse, lingering on things doesn't help, believe me. Just... try and focus on getting better, okay?
:'''Jesse''': I deserve this.
:'''Walter''': What?
:'''Jesse''': What you said in the desert, I get it. What you meant. I deserve whatever happens.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Karen''': Judging from the things you and other folks have written about him, your dad must be quite a guy.
:'''[[w:Walter White, Jr.|Walter Jr.]]''': Yeah, he is. He's the best.
:'''Karen''': You don't want to lose him, do you, Walter?
:'''Walter Jr.''' None of us do. We love him.
:'''Karen''': He's a good man, isn't he?
:'''Walter Jr.''': Absolutely. Ask anyone, anybody. He's a great father, a great teacher. He knows like everything there is to know about chemistry. He's patient with you, he's always there for you. He's just decent. And he always does the right thing and that's how he teaches me to be.
:'''Karen''': Would you say he's your hero?
:'''Walter Jr.''': Oh yeah, yes ma'am, totally. My dad is my hero.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Walter''': What are you doing?
:'''[[w:Skyler White|Skyler]]''': I'm going to Hank and Marie's for the weekend.
:'''Walter''': Since when?
:'''Skyler''': I'm taking the baby with me. Marie will pick up Walter Jr. from school. You will have the house to yourself for two days. I want you to pack your things and leave.
:'''Walter''': Why would I do that?
:'''Skyler''': Hank has offered to help since you shouldn't be doing any heavy lifting.
:'''Walter''': Skyler...
:'''Skyler''': I want you gone by Monday morning. I want...I want you gone.
:'''Walter''': Okay, can you at least tell me why?
:'''Skyler''': Because you're a liar, Walt. Two cell phones after all.
:'''Walter''': What?
:'''Skyler''': Right before your surgery, I asked if you had packed your cell phone and you said, &quot;Which one?&quot;
:'''Walter''': When? Skyler, I was medicated. I mean, I could have said the world was flat.
:'''Skyler''': You know what I think? I think you accidentally told the truth.
:'''Walter''': Honey, we have been over this. Asked and answered, right? There&amp;ndash;
:'''Skyler''': But then it got me thinking again about the all the strange behavior. Not the least of which was the disappearance. Out of my mind with worry, calling hospitals, checking the morgue. Your fugue state? I had to believe that, didn't I? I had to find a way. I mean, who would lie about such a thing?
:'''Walter''': You tell me, Skyler. You tell me exactly what it is you think I'm lying about. What, an affair? I'm having an affair? Is that what you think?
:'''Skyler''': That's what I was thinking, yeah. For the last few weeks.
:'''Walter''': With whom? Who am I having an affair with?
:'''Skyler''': Well, my guess was Gretchen Schwartz. Something was going on between you. I just knew.
:'''Walter''': Jesus, Skyler. Get me a Bible to swear on, if that's what it takes. I am not having an affair with Gretchen!
:'''Skyler''': Oh, I know. I know you're not. 'Cause I asked her. It really took me forever to get in touch with her. She was ducking my calls for weeks. So I finally left a message, &quot;What exactly is going on between you and my husband?&quot; I thought that'd get her attention and it did. So she called me back and she finally told me. The money? For your treatment? Gretchen and Elliott didn't give you a dime. They paid for nothing. You refused every offer they made you, but that didn't make sense because I checked with Delcavoli in the hospital and, not including your surgery, we're nearly paid up. Over $100,000. Out of where? Out of thin air? But then, I called your mother. Yeah. Thanks for that, too. But I thought, y'know, maybe she has some money that I don't know about? Maybe she contributed? It's possible. It turns out that not only is the money not your mother, she didn't even know that you have cancer. You never went to see her. I dropped you at the airport, I picked you up, you were gone for four days, and yet she swears that you were never there. Lies on top of lies on top of lies.
:'''Walter''': Skyler...
:'''Skyler''' Could you, just once, do me the courtesy of not denying it?
:''[Walter is silent. Skyler heads to the car]''
:'''Walter''': Skyler...Skyler, don't do this, please. I...I...Skyler, please don't go. ''[Skyler tries to close the car door, but Walter stops her]'' If I tell you the truth, will you stay? Stay and I will tell you everything.
:'''Skyler''': Whatever it is, I'm afraid to know.
:''[Skyler closes the car door and drives off]''

==External links==
{{Wikipedia}}
[[Category:Breaking Bad seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>0o8z1xy5ftgu9osbo6l5t7ukpg0y5qh</sha1>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>The Loud House/Season 1</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>206464</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153545</id>
      <parentid>3152543</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T13:43:02Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2601:5CE:4380:36F0:7162:8A95:5E97:8027</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* The Sweet Spot (4.1) */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="55467" xml:space="preserve">'''''[[The Loud House]]''''' Season 1

==Episode 1==
===''Left in the Dark (1.1)''===
:'''Lincoln''': ''[marks calendar]'' It's finally here: the live season finale of the GREATEST! SHOW! ''EVER!'' ''[to viewers]'' All right, I know you're probably saying to yourself: &quot;Lincoln, with ten sisters, there's no way you're going to get to watch your favorite show.&quot; And you'd be right; every Sunday at eight it's the same thing. ''[flashback of his sisters fighting over the remote]'' But tonight, I have a plan.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lucy''': Sorry, Lincoln, I can't miss my vampires. Edwin is so cold and tormented and mysterious. Sigh. If only he wasn't from another century...
:'''Lincoln''': ''[gets an idea]'' Another century! That's okay, Lucy. You watch your show on the big color TV. I'll just go watch my show on Dad's crummy old ''black and white'' TV.
:'''Lucy''': Black and white are my favorite colors.
:'''Lincoln''': Yeah, it'll make watching my show a little bit more... ''spooky!''
:'''Lucy''': Spooky is also my favorite color.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Many of the Loud kids murmur in confusion about the power outage.]''
:'''Lori''': All right! All right! Everybody just calm down!
:'''Leni''': Guys! I can't see anything! I think I've gone blind!
:'''Lori''': No, you didn't go blind. What the heck happened?
:'''Lincoln''': I was just plugging in the old TV for Lucy and it must've made the lights go out.
:'''Lori''': Of course it was your fault, Lincoln.
:''[All the other sisters complain about what their brother did.]''
:'''Lincoln''': What? All I did was plug in some dumb old TV!
:''[The sisters still won't listen to their brother.]''
:'''Luan''': Hey! I know why the lights went out! Cause they liked each other! [laughs as her siblings sigh] Get it? Get it?
:'''Lisa''': That one was so good, it deserves a cookie. [hands her one]
:'''Luan''': &quot;Oh, thanks. [eats it] &quot;So anyway, what did one light bulb say to the other? [suddenly starts glowing]
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Clyde enters the room]''
:'''Clyde''': Cadet Clyde reporting for duty! ''[notices Lori]'' L-L-Lori? Red alert. Red alert. Does not compute. Circuit overload. Must abort mission. ''[leaves]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[to the viewers]'' I told you it gets awkward.

===''Get the Message (1.2)''===
:'''Lana''': No running in the hallway!
:'''Lincoln''': Huh? What are you talking about?
:'''Lola''': Lana, is this maggot giving you lip? ''[writes a ticket]''
:'''Lana''': We're the new hall monitors at school, so we're practicing at home.
:''[They stick the ticket to Lincoln's head with gum]''
:'''Lola''': If we catch you speeding again, you're going downtown! We already locked up Luan for telling bad jokes.
:'''Luan''': ''[in a cardboard jail cell]'' Hey! Did you hear the one about the thief who stole a calendar? He got twelve months! ''[laughs]'' Get it?
:'''Lola''': That's five more minutes, dirtbag!
:'''Lincoln''': Okay, okay. I'll walk within the speed limit. I swear.&quot;
:'''Lana''': NO SWEARING!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': Clyde, what have I done?! I called Lori a ''[a guitar riff is heard over his voice]'' when she's actually a ''[harp strings are heard]''!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lori''': ''[plucking her nose, while talking to Bobby]'' If you want our couple name to be Lobby, you're going to have to show a little-- ''[notices Lincoln's letter on the floor]'' What's this? ''[picks it up and reads it]'' &quot;Why Lori is the worst sister ever&quot;?! Bobby, I gotta go. I'm gonna turn Lincoln into a human pretzel! ''[Lincoln is scratching his head and jumps in shocked as Lori burst out of the bathroom with the letter on her hand showing the letter to him]'' LINCOLN! WHAT IS THIS?!
:'''Lincoln''': Well, it's time to do the official dance of the Loud House: the Running Man! ''[puts on his new googles and starts to dance away from Lori's wrath]''
:'''Lori''': WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU, I'M GONNA-- ''[Luna emerges, censoring Lori's rant of rage with her rock music]''

==Episode 2==
===''Heavy Meddle (2.1)''===
:'''Lynn''': ''[carrying a boy]'' I found him!
:''[the Loud sisters surround the boy Lynn is carrying]''
:'''Lori''': How dare you bully our brother! Only we get to do that.

===''Making the Case (2.2)''===
:''[Outside the Loud House, Lincoln comes back depressed]''
:'''Lincoln''': I sure hope that worked. ''[opens the door only to find out that his sisters are STILL furious]'' It ''didn't'' work.
:'''Lori''': ''[sternly]'' Lincoln...
:'''Lincoln''': ''[apologetically]'' I know I embarrassed you and I can't undo it, and I'm sorry, but the least I could do was embarrass myself right along with you, that way we'd all be even!
:'''Lynn''': Even? You think this makes us even?
:'''Lincoln''': Well, I was trying to-
:'''Lynn''': Yours was way worse!
:'''Lori''': ''[cheerfully]'' Yeah! That video was hysterical!
:''[The girls surround Lincoln and ensure him that they forgive him]''
:'''Lincoln''': So, we're good?
:'''Lucy''': We're good...brother.
:'''Luan''': Sorry you didn't win the trophy.
:'''Lori''': But we really appreciate what you did and thought you deserved something. ''[hands him a tiny trophy]''
:'''Lincoln''': Wow. Thanks, guys.
:''[Lola and Lynn hug him and Luna pats him on the head; he runs to the case and places the trophy in his spot]''
:'''Lincoln''': Most Improved Brother. ''[to the viewers]'' I did it. My sisters no longer despise me, Cristina's switching classes, and I finally made the case.
:''[Another flatulent sound occurs and the other girls look at Lori suspiciously]''
:'''Lori''': It was my shoe!

==Episode 3==
===''Driving Miss Hazy (3.1)''===
:'''Lincoln''': Okay, first, fasten your seat belt.
:''[Lola puts her beauty pageant sashes on them to simulate the seat belts]''
:'''Leni''': That was easy.
:'''Lincoln''': Next, check your mirrors.
:'''Leni''': Why?! Do I look bad?!
:'''Lincoln''': No no no! No! I meant-
:'''Leni''': Stop the car! I can't drive in this hideous condition! ''[comes back now wearing a helmet]'' That's better.
:'''Lincoln''': ''[sighs]'' Lesson 12: Avoiding road hazards. There's a squirrel in the road. What do you do?
:''[Lily, in a squirrel costume, speaks squirrel language]'' 
:'''Leni''': Aahhhhhhhhh!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': This is a brake pedal. What does the brake pedal do? ''[beat]'' White shoes after [[wikipedia:Labor Day|Labor Day]]!
:'''Leni''': Ew, stop!
:'''Lincoln''': Exactly. This is the gas pedal. What does the gas pedal do? ''[beat]'' Boots from the 60's.
:'''Leni''': [[wikipedia:Go-go boot|Go-go]]!

===''No Guts, No Glori (3.2)''===
:'''Lincoln''': ''[drinking lemonade]'' Ah, Friday night. You survived another week of school. Now it's time to kick back, forget your troubles, and crack open a brand new video game. ''[gets out a copy of Super Mega Brawlers Turbo Fighter and smells it.]'' Love that new game smell. ''[Suddenly picks up another scent; one that worries him]'' Wait a minute. ''[sniffs again]'' Is that...Oh no!
:''[Soon, his sisters start picking up the scent as well]''
:'''Lucy''': Sniff. Sniff.
:'''Lincoln''': Mom's expensive perfume. Which can only mean one thing. ''[checks the calendar and finds out what tonight is...]'' Date night! Which can only mean one other thing!
:'''Rita''': Lori's in charge, do what she says, bye! ''[leaves]''
:'''Lincoln''': NOOOOOOOOO! She gets a sick thrill from bossing us around! In this house, we call her the Queen of-
:'''Lori''': [from upstairs] NO! ''[unplugs Luna's amplifiers]'' NO MUSIC! ''[tosses Lana's mud pie in the trash]'' NO MUD PIES! ''[approaches Leni who's talking on the phone] NO-
:'''Leni''': Way! That's totes cray cray.
:'''Lori''': ''[hangs up Leni's call]'' No phone calls. AND NO VIDEO GAMES! ''[takes away Lincoln's game]''

==Episode 4==
===''The Sweet Spot (4.1)''===
:'''Lincoln''': The back row is so far away from Mom and Dad, that it turns into the wild, wild west.
:''[Flashback; Lola and Lana look at each other angrily while Lincoln is seen with a comic book and soda between them]''
:'''Lola''': Stop looking at me.
:'''Lana''': You stop looking at me!
:''[Lola and Lana fight near Lincoln; The fight stops shortly with Lincoln looking messy]''
:'''Lincoln''': Come on! We haven't even left the driveway yet!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[crying over the destruction of Vanzilla caused by the siblings fighting over the best seat of Vanzilla]'' That was my first car, and my dad's first car, and ''his'' dad's first car!
:'''Rita''': (''enraged''] ALRIGHT, EVERYONE, BACK INSIDE! THE ROAD TRIP IS '''OFF!''' YOU'RE GOING TO SPEND THIS WEEKEND SITTING '''TOGETHER''' IN THE LIVING ROOM UNTIL YOU LEARN TO GET ALONG!

===''A Tale of Two Tables (4.2)''===
:'''Lana''': Hey, Lincoln, do you like seafood? ''[sticks his tongue out to show [[wikipedia:Bolus (digestion)|chewed food]] See? Food. Bleh!
:'''Lola''': Hey, Lucy! ''[puts fries on outside of her mouth as if they were vampire fangs]'' I vant to suck your blood!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': Can I have my dinner in peace?
:'''Lana''': Did you say &quot;peas&quot;?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': Beans, beans, the musical fruit, the more you eat, the more you- ''[flatulence]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Lincoln Loud, that is enough!

==Episode 5==
===''Project Loud House (5.1)''===
:'''Lisa''': ''[with a first aid ointment]'' Here's the antidote.
:'''Lincoln''': Thank you! ''[suspicious]'' Wait a second... 
:''[He tests it on Walt the bird, who suddenly puffs up like a blimp]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[annoyed]'' The ''real'' antidote?
:'''Lisa''': Fine. Hairless apes: two, science: zero. ''[gives him the actual antidote and goes to the car]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[hands it to a relieved Leni]'' Here.
:'''Lucy''': ''[reads one of her poems]'' Failure. It's all your fault, this streak of bad luck. No escape from this cycle in which you are stuck.
:'''Lincoln''': Stop! I've got a poem for you now, it's called &quot;Lucy&quot;! Dark as night, hair like tar. Take your spooky self to the car.
:'''Lucy''': Sigh. Once again, your poetic brilliance has put me to shame.

===''In Tents Debate (5.2)''===
:''[the Loud sisters complain about their vacation campsite]''
:'''Lynn''': That place is the worst! Bears always steal our food!
:''[Lily roars like a bear]''
:'''Leni''': And we have to sleep on the hard ground!
:'''Lola''': And poop in the woods!
:'''Lana''': I like pooping in the woods.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lincoln runs out of his room screaming in pain from sunburn]''
:'''Lincoln''': News flash: giving me a sunburn is NOT the way to win my vote!
:'''Lori''': Huh? ''[peels the label from the sunscreen bottle]'' &quot;[[wikipedia:Sodium hypochlorite|Sodium hydrochlorite]]: avoid contact with skin?&quot; This has Lisa written all over it!
:'''Leni''': So, ''that's'' how you spell &quot;Lisa&quot;?

==Episode 6==
===''Sound of Silence (6.1)''===
:''[flashback: Lola tries to apply mascara when a frog croaks from behind her and makes her mess up]''
:'''Lana''': Aw, you're a burpy-durpy today! Isn't he the cutest?
:'''Lola''': ''[chuckling menacingly under a wicked grin]'' So cute...
:'''Lana''': ''[about to feed the frog]'' Who's hungry? ''[notices he's missing]'' Seymour? Where'd you go? ''[sees Lola whistling and carrying a shovel]'' Nooo!! ''[end flashback]''
:'''Lana''': I mean I can't prove she took out Seymour, but I never saw him again.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lola''': ''[comes into Lincoln's room]'' Lincoln, is this too much mascara? Be honest. It's super-super-super important!
:'''Lincoln''': ''[having muted Lola out]'' Ahh... I couldn't agree more!
:'''Lola''': ''[confused]'' Agree with what?
:'''Lincoln''': Right back at ya!
:'''Lola''': Okay, you're weird.

===''Space Invader (6.2)''===
:''[Lincoln goes up to Lynn and Lucy's room where the other girls are listening; Lynn and Lucy are having a fight]''
:'''Lynn''': You're always Miss Gloom and Doom! Like, would it kill you to smile once in a while?!
:'''Lucy''': It would.
:'''Lincoln''': What's going on?
:'''Lori''': Lucy and Lynn are going at it. Again.
:'''Luan''': I'd make a joke about fighting, but I can't think of a good punchline. ''[laughs]'' Get it? Get it?
:'''Lisa''': ''[recording]'' Human subjects seem to be proving Charles Darwin correct.
:'''Leni''': I can't bare to watch! ''[puts cucumber slices over her facial mask]'' That's better.
:''[A jock strap comes flying out of the room and the others duck in time to avoid it]''
:'''Lori''': I'd hate to get in the middle of this one.
:'''Lincoln''': I totally agree.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lynn and Lucy grab some spaghetti and start to fight with it]''
:'''Lincoln''': Uh-oh.
:''[they start fighting for amusement and laughing, and Lincoln joins in]''
:'''Lori''': Welp, I'm outskies.
:'''Luan''': Yeah, it's way ''pasta'' our bedtime.

==Episode 7==
===''Picture Perfect (7.1)''===
:'''Lincoln:''' I've figured out the perfect present for Mom and Dad! ''[holds up camera]'' Ta-da!
:'''Lana:''' You're giving them Dad's old camera?
:'''Lola:''' Wow, you ''are'' cheap!
:'''Lincoln:''' No, not the camera; a photograph of all of us!
:'''Lori:''' Why use that old thing when you can just use a cellphone?
:'''Lincoln:''' Because that would be like painting the Mona Lisa with a crayon.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The girls are offended by Lincoln making them look normal]''
:'''Lori''': So, that's what this is all about! You don't like us the way we are.
:'''Lincoln''': Well you see, that is to say--
:'''Lori''': Okay, guys, let's all put on perfect smiles for Lincoln's perfect picture, because heaven forbid we be our actual ''literal'' selves!

===''Undie Pressure (7.2)''===
:''[Luna is listening to the radio and listens to an announcement.]''
:'''Jay Rock''': ''[over the radio]'' Hey, cats and kittens, this is Jay Rock here! I'm giving away Mick Swagger tickets to the caller with... the best British accent!
:''[Hearing this, Luna's eyes widen. She looks back and forth, slinks away to behind the curtains. and calls the radio station on her phone.]
:'''Jay Rock''': ''[on the phone]'' Hello, you're on the air! Let's hear your best British accent.
:'''Luna''': ''[whispering; in a British accent]'' Come on, love, hand over those tickets.
:'''Jay Rock''': Yeah, sorry, caller, I can't hear you!
:'''Luna''': ''[whispering, slightly louder]'' Come on, love, hand over those tickets!
:'''Jay Rock''': If you don't speak up, you can't win!
:'''Luna''': ''[shouting]'' HAND OVER THE BLEEDIN' TICKETS, MATE! 
:''[Lincoln opens the curtains to reveal Luna to the other sisters.]'' 
:'''Luna''': ''[sheepishly in a Swedish accent]'' Herdie-verdie? 
:''[Buzzer noise]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lola''': ''[eyes beneath hair]'' You may have outlasted those amateurs, but now you've gotta deal with a real professional! ''[dramatic spotlight is cast on Lola, revealing that her face is messy]''
:'''Lincoln''': I'M NOT GIVING UP! FOR THE SAKE OF ALL THINGS COMFORTABLE! ''[snaps the seat of his leggings, giving him pain]'' Ugh, gotta do something about these pants.

==Episode 8==
===''Linc or Swim (8.1)''===
:''[Lincoln finally jumps in, but the lifeguard blows her whistle and catches Lincoln with a skimmer]''
:'''Lifeguard''': Loud family, out!
:''[the Loud kids leave the pool]''
:'''Lori''': But we were just having fun.
:'''Lily''': Poo-poo.
:'''Lifeguard''': Fecal incidents are not fun.
''[people in [[wikipedia:Hazmat suit|hazmat suits]] scrub the walls of the emptied pool to get rid of Lily's &quot;poo-poo&quot;]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The girls are having a pool party right in their backyard while Lily is streaking]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[chasing her with her diaper]'' Lily! No skinny dipping! ''[gets splashed by Lynn and sees Lisa adding some kind of chemical]'' Lisa! No! What do you think you're doing?
:'''Lisa''': Testing sanitation levels. I've concocted a special serum that will detect and eliminate urine, AKA tinkle, in H2O.
:'''Lincoln''': I'm sure no one here would...
:''[Lisa adds the serum, which vaporizes the water into a pink smoke within seconds, revealing that her older sisters somehow tinkled in the pool]''
:'''Lisa''': Hmm... unprecedented levels.
:'''Luan''': Marco!
:'''Leni''': Marco!
:'''Luan''': No, Leni. I'm Marco. You're Polo.
:'''Leni''': Then who's Leni?

===''Changing the Baby (8.2)''===
:'''Lincoln''': Hey, Lana, you wanna try half of my peanut butter and sauerkraut sandwich?
:'''Lana''': I eat some grody things, but that is disgusting. ''[sniffs it and retches; runs to the bathroom]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leni''': Help! ''[Lori and Lincoln rush to her rescue and see her in Lily's crib]'' Oh, thank goodness. I got in here to show Lily my fashion magazine, but now I can't get out of this baby prison! ''[bawls like a baby, so Lincoln and Lori help her out]'' Agoo.

==Episode 9==

===''Overnight Success (9.1)''===

:'''Lola''': ''[barges in with a makeup kit]'' Princess Makeover Time! ''[sees Lincoln's friend Liam]'' Ooh, a new toad! ''[she gives him a full makeover against his will, and Liam runs out the house]
:'''Liam''': Huh? Aah! I look like my MeeMaw!
:'''Lola''': Some people just don't appreciate beauty. I made your eyes pop, kid!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lori''': Okay, who wants pizza bites?
:'''Clyde''': Abort, abort, system shutting down.
:'''Leni''': Sheesh! Are there peanuts in ''everything?!''

===''Ties That Bind (9.2)''===


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lori''': ''[sees Leni with her tanktop]'' Is that my shirt?! Take it off!
:'''Leni''': I can't. ''[pointing to Mr. Coconuts]'' There are boys here!
:''[Mr. Coconuts raises his eyebrows and Luan covers his eyes]''
:'''Luan''': Ah, coconuts!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Lincoln overhears another conversation between his parents from the vent.]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': What do you mean we got a bun in the oven?!
:'''Lincoln''': ''[gasps]'' You guys! ''[runs off to tell his sisters]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': You know I'm gluten free!

==Episode 10==
===''Hand-Me-Downer (10.1)''===
:'''Lincoln''': Sometimes in life, you just gotta take chances. You know what they say: no risk, no re-wha!
:'''Clyde''': What's a &quot;re-wah&quot;?
:'''Lincoln''': ''[notices the bike is missing]'' My bike! It's gone!
:'''Clyde''': ''[to his mannequin]'' Manny! You were supposed to watch the bikes!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lori''': See, Lincoln? We all have to deal with hand-me-downs; we just learned to make the best of them.
:'''Lincoln''': You don't have to deal with them, you're the oldest!
:'''Lori''': Are you kidding me? This isn't really a tank top! It's literally the top of Mom's old girdle!
:''[the other Loud sisters are disgusted]''
:'''Lynn''': Well, enough chit-chat. I gotta get to my competition. ''[takes Lori's hand-me-down bike.]''
:'''Lincoln''': You're gonna ride that?!
:'''Lynn''': ''[annoyed]'' What choice do I have? ''[rides off]''
:'''Luan''': ''[threateningly to Lincoln]'' You'd better not let Colonel Crackers get stolen!
:''[The rest of Lincoln's sisters go back inside, tired of Lincoln's behavior.]''
:'''Colonel Crackers''': &quot;Hey! You heard the lady!&quot;
:''[Lincoln looks on in remorse and fear.]''

===''Sleuth or Consequences (10.2)''===
:''[Lincoln shuffles deck of cards with pictures of his sisters on onto his desk]''
:'''Lincoln''': One of you is the perp, but which one?
:'''Lucy''': ''[comes out of nowhere]'' Hey, Linc. ''[scares Lincoln]'' I might have a tip for you.
:'''Lincoln''': Really? Wait. Why do you wanna help?
:'''Lucy''': I don't care about being grounded. My life is just an endless mental prison, anyway. But it's not fair that you have to miss your thing.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lynn''': Woohoo! My team did it! We're number one! ''[diarrhea]'' Ooh! Time for Number 2! ''[hurries to the bathroom]''
:'''Lana''': Dad! I think we're gonna need Big Bertha again!

==Episode 11==

===''Butterfly Effect (11.1)''===

:'''Lincoln''': ''[he and Charles see that Lisa's room is a mess]'' Yikes. I better go tell Lisa.
:''[Lincoln's imagination: Lisa observes the damage in a dark, stylized environment]''
:'''Lisa''': ''[turning red with anger, with her teeth sharpened] '''You've... COMPLETELY DESTROYED MY LIFE'S WORK! I DESPISE YOU, AND YOU NO LONGER EXIST TO ME!'''''
''[a wall of fire burns in the background behind her, along with a cultist choir]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lincoln''': Boy, am I glad that nightmare's over. ''[hears a bicycle bell outside, looks out and sees Lori and Clyde riding a tandem bike dragging a string of cans and a sign reading &quot;JUST MARRIED&quot;]'' (Except that one.) Ahh!

===''The Green House (11.2)''===

:'''Mrs. Johnson''': What's that? You hate polar bears, you're a polar bear hater!?
:'''Lincoln''': ''[still muffled, his head above the ceiling]'' No! I love them! They're cool!
:''[kids boo at Lincoln]''
:'''Female Student 1''': If you make us lose, Lincoln, you'll be an outcast!
:'''Girl Jordan''': You might as well throw your social life out the window.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[the Loud sisters unplug the TV, and are revealed to wear nothing but potato sacks for tops and bandages for shoes, stink, and begin scolding Lincoln furiously]''
:'''Lori''': Game over, Lincoln!
:'''Lincoln''': It's not what it looks like!
:'''Lori''': We're up there making all these sacrifices, and you're down here playing some stupid computer game?!
:'''Lincoln''': OK, so maybe it is what it looks like.
:'''Lynn''': If you don't wanna give anything up, why should ''we''?
:'''Lincoln''': But... but... ''[shows poster]'' Polar bear?
:''[The girls are starting to feel remorse again, but this time, they snap out of it.]''
:'''Lola''': Aww... Wait a minute, you can't use that on us anymore!
:'''Lori''': Come on, girls. Let's go get our stuff back.
:'''Leni''': ''[holding up her glass of air]'' And a refill!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

==Episode 12==
===''Along Came a Sister (12.1)''===
:'''Mrs. Johnson''': Frank needs to be fed twice a day, and under no circumstances should he be let out of his cage. ''[chuckling to herself]'' Unlike ''me'' this weekend...
:''[The kids glance awkwardly at each other]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leni''': Oh, I need milk. 
:''[She opens the fridge, where Frank happens to be on the milk bottle]''
:'''Lisa''': Wait! ''[slams fridge shut]'' You're lactose intolerant!
:'''Leni''': No, I'm not. I'm tolerant of everyone, whether they lack toes or not. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leni''': ''[Frank plops right onto her glass]'' Ha! Nice try, Luan, but I'm not falling for another one of your fake spiders, though this one looks pretty real. ''[Frank blinks]'' AAAAH! SPIDER! ''[busts out the bug spray]''
:'''non-Leni Loud kids''': Nooo!
:'''Leni''': ''[unleashes a massive spray cloud and runs off]'' WORST SURPRISE PARTY EVER!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': I'll miss you, Frank, but I'm glad things are gonna be back to normal around here.
:'''Leni''': ''[brushing her hair]'' 20. 21. 22. 23.
:''[it is revealed that Frances laid her egg sac in the vents; the babies hatch and scurry into Leni's room]''
:'''Leni''': AAAAAAAAAH! SPIDERS!

===''Chore and Peace (12.2)''===
:'''Lincoln''': &quot;Can I get a little help here?&quot;
:'''Lori''': ''[refuses to help him]'' Can't you see I'm doing the laundry? ''[laughs]'' LOL, Bobby!
:'''Lincoln''': ''[unable to hold the bag]'' WHOA! ''[gets crushed; finally gets the bag out to the curb only to find that the weight from it has torn a hole in it and the trash has been scattered everywhere]'' Dang it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Luna''': So, what'a ya think, Chunk?
:'''Chunk''': It stinks.
:'''Luna''': Way harsh, dude.
:'''Chunk''': Not the song, your room. Chunk's gotta blow. ''[leaves]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The doorbell rings; Lincoln answers it]''
:'''Reporter''': Hi, we're from the Miss Cute N' Mean pageant, here to do a behind the scenes interview with Miss Lola Loud.
:'''Lola''': ''[singing as she comes down in her trash-themed ensemble]'' Here she is! The next Cute N' Mean! ''[fart]''
:'''Reporter''': Ew! More like Miss Gross N' Gnarly! Interview over! ''[the crew leaves]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': Hang on, Lily! I'm coming! ''[dives into laundry flooding the basement, but starts to &quot;drown&quot;]'' So...much...underwear!
:'''Lori''': ''[pulling him out]'' Yeah, and that's just Dad's.

==Episode 13==
===''For Bros About to Rock (13.1)''===
:'''Lincoln''': Clyde! Line's moving!
:''[They try to get their spot back, but their place in line loses completely]''
:'''Sean Gantka''': Hey! No cuts, kid!
:'''Mollie Freilich''': Back of the line, line cutter!
:'''Lincoln''': But that was our spot! ''[Two people ignores him. To Clyde, pushing him]'' Come on.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[A cop disguised as a scalper gives Lincoln and Clyde tickets]''
:'''Lincoln and Clyde''': We're in! ''[they are handcuffed]''
:'''Cop''': You're in alright: &quot;in&quot;-carcerated!
:'''Clyde''': Are those good seats?
:'''Cop''': Buying [[wikipedia:Ticket resale|scalped tickets]] is illegal. Let's go, hooligans!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Bobby, a mall cop, unknowingly sees through Luna's disguise]''
:'''Bobby''': Hey Luna!
:'''Captain''': You know their mother?
:'''Bobby''': That's not their mother! That's his sister! Nice wig by the way.
:'''Captain''': &quot;Wig&quot;?!
:''[Luna giggles nervously]''
:'''Scoots''': Oh, snap.

===''It's a Loud, Loud, Loud, Loud, House (13.2)''===
:''[the Loud kids fight over a quarter Lincoln finds]''
:'''Rita''': What are they fighting over this time? A nickel under the ottoman?
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Nope! A quarter down the sofa.
:'''Rita''': We better stop them before they start biting.
:'''Lincoln''': [Lola bites him] Ow, Lola!
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Too late!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[the parents see the kids cheering over the treasure]''
:'''Rita''': I have to admit, it's nice to see them sharing money and not fighting over it.
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Yep. All part of Sharon's plan.
:'''Rita''': Was destroying the house part of Sharon's plan?
:''[overview of the damaged house interior]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': No. No, it was not.
:'''Rita''': Well, now she can Sharon DeCleanUp! ''[hands him a broom]''

==Episode 14==
===''Toads and Tiaras (14.1)''===
:'''Lana''': Darn you, Lincoln! I am in... but wait, what if Lola finds out? You know what she's capable of.
:''[an image of Lola looking on wickedly with hellfire and an evil choir is shown, causing Lincoln and Lana to shudder with fear]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': ''[sees a cameraman]'' I didn't know this was going to be on TV. Good thing we don't get the Princess Channel!
:''[Though, Lynn Sr does just that so that a recuperating Lola can watch the pageant]''
:'''Lola''': Thanks for getting me the Princess Channel, daddy!
:'''Lynn Sr.''': No problem, sweetie. It was either that or the sports channel, and who needs that, huh? ''[crying]''

===''Two Boys and a Baby (14.2)''===
:''[Luan and Lynn eating weird food]''
:'''Lori''': Ew! When was this pudding made?!
:'''Lisa''': ''[examining the can]'' Seeing as this flag on the label only has [[:File:Flag of the United States (1912-1959).svg|48 stars]]--
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lily shoots her farts against Lincoln and Clyde, who run for the window and gasp for fresh air]''
:'''Clyde''': It's practically radioactive!
:'''Lincoln''': Huh. Radioactive, you say?

==Episode 15==
===''Cover Girls (15.1)''===
:'''Lisa''': ''[from Lincoln's bedroom window]'' Approach at a 63 degree angle! :''[Lincoln jumps but crashes into his wall, making a big hole. Luan covers the hole with a poster.]'' 
:'''Lisa''': Correction: 62 degrees!
:''[Lincoln weakly gives a thumbs up.]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rita''': ''[coming upstairs]'' Lucy? Lynn? How's the cleaning coming?
:'''Lincoln''': ''[determined]'' This calls for...the Trunk! ''[opens up his trunk and takes out some items; now wearing a wig like Lucy's hair and imitating her melancholy demeanor]'' I scrub and scrub, yet the stain of human suffering remains.
:'''Rita''': ''[uneasy]'' Okay.
:''[Now Lincoln is disguised like Lynn.]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[imitating Lynn]'' Not me, Mom! I'm knocking these dust balls out of the park!
:'''Rita''': ''[carrying a bunch of towels]'' Good to hear. ''[Lincoln sighs with relief]'' Leni, how's your spring cleaning coming?
:'''Lincoln''': ''[lunges into Lori and Leni's doorway; imitating Leni]'' Good! As soon as I find those springs, I'll clean them!

===''Save the Date (15.2)''===
:''[Lincoln comes home after school]''
:'''Lori''': You MONSTER! ''[throws a tissue box at Lincoln]''
:'''Lincoln''': Ow! What was that for?
:'''Lori''': You made Ronnie Anne '''CRY'''!
:'''Lincoln''': Cry? I didn't mean to! Wait, how do you know?
:''[Lori throws a teddy bear at Lincoln, who jumps out of the way]''
:'''Lori''': Bobby told me... ''[starts to cry]'' '''RIGHT BEFORE HE BROKE UP WITH ME!'''
:'''Lincoln''': What? Why does Bobby care? ''[Lori throws a couch cushion at Lincoln, prompting him to duck; she opens a photo album showing a picture of Bobby and Ronnie Anne together]''
:'''Lori''': Because Bobby is literally Ronnie Anne's brother! He said he could never date someone related to someone who hurt someone he's related to! Or something like that!
:'''Lincoln''': Ronnie Anne has a brother?! I thought she was raised by trolls.
:''[Lori throws a bunch of CDs in rapid fire fashion; Lincoln shields himself with the cushion]''
:'''Lori''': D'AAAAHH!! THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT BOBBY WAS TALKING ABOUT!
:''[Lori chases after Lincoln, who hides behind the chair; he trips, and Lori catches him and holds him up by his shirt]''
:'''Lori''': You have to make things right with Ronnie Anne!
:'''Lincoln''': Okay! Okay! I'll call her right now and apologize! ''[picks up the phone]''
:'''Lori''': NO! ''[hangs up the phone]'' Nuh-uh! Actions speak louder than words! Bobby has to see you being nice to her. That's the only way he'll get back together with me! Which is why we're going on a double date!
:'''Lincoln''': WHAT?!
:'''Lori''': It's all been arranged! We have a reservation at Jean Juan's French-Mex Buffet at six! AND YOU'LL! MAKE HER! FEEL! LIKE THE MOST SPECIAL GIRL! IN THE WORLD!
:'''Lincoln''': ''[gags]'' I'd rather lick the bathroom...
:''[Lori picks up the end table and threatens to crush him with it]''
:'''Lincoln''': I'll go iron my khakis!
:''[Lincoln runs out of the scene]
:''[Joy Cunningham goes over to Lori and kicks the blonde in the crotch, making Lori drop the end table on her]''
:'''Lori''': Ouch! Right in the round tables.
:'''Joy Cunningham''': Good for you! You deserve it! Lincoln didn't insult Ronnie Anne! Name Dropper and Green Trunko told him to!
:'''Lori''': I'll apologize for my bossiness!
:'''Fear''': NO! Nuh-uh! Expressions speak louder than actions and words! We literally have to see you being nice to Lincoln.
:'''Anger''': He's right! ''[sternly]'' What would you do if you're so smart, Lori?
:'''Disgust''': Take this you literal stupid blonde!
:''[Disgust punches Lori's eye, making it swell]''
:'''Sadness''': You get another kick in the crotch!
:''[Sadness kicks Lori in the crotch; only this time, Sadness grabs out a knife and stabs her in the groin}''
:'''Fear''': Let that be a lesson to you! Lori!

==Episode 16==
===''Attention Deficit (16.1)''===
:''[Lincoln and Clyde walk by Flip's juice cart]''
:'''Clyde''': Oh, hang on, Lincoln. I'm gonna get volcano Lori a juice. Running from Bobby's tormented screams has made her thirsty.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lynn''': Hey, Lincoln! ''[examines him]'' You look different.
:'''Lincoln''': My sideburns are even.
:'''Lynn''': No, it's more than that. Your skin is glowing, you look taller, and you smell like... ''[smells him]'' ...organic Brussels sprouts? Okay, what gives?
:'''Lincoln''': I spent tonight at Clyde's. His dads helped me with my volcano and served me food with no foil and asked me about my day!
:'''Lynn''': Get out! That sounds amazing! ''[thinks for a second]'' Hey, do you think they could help me with my baseball swing?
:'''Lincoln''': Sure. I think Clyde said one of his dads played ball in college. Why don't you come over after school tomorrow?
:'''Lynn''': Oh, that would be awesome! ''[playfully punches his arm]''
:'''Lincoln''': Ow! Lynn, do you mind? Clyde's dads just gave me my vaccinations.

===''Out on a Limo (16.2)''===
:''[Limo arrives at Burpin' Burger and takes the drive-thru]''
:'''Employee''': ''[On audio box]'' Welcome to Burpin' Burger. May I take your order?
:'''Luna''': Eleven burgers and fries, love.
:'''Lincoln''': Don't forget one for Kirby.
:'''Kirby''': Thank you, sir. I mean, Lincoln.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': ''[to the viewers while holding a burger]'' The only thing better than being a man in a limo is being a family in a limo.
:''[Everyone is enjoying their burgers when Tetherby's limo drives up to Lincoln's]''
:'''Tetherby''': I say, Loud, it's good to see you back in a limo. What say you ditch the riffraff and come back to the club?
:''[Tetherby's invitation surprises Lincoln as he darts his eyes at his sisters and Kirby who are afraid he'll leave them]''
:'''Lincoln''': You know what, Tetherby? How about some... ''[he and his sisters squirt Tetherby and his limo with mustard]'' ...mustard to go with that baloney!
:''[And with that, they drive off, singing the Burpin' Burger jingle]''
:'''Lincoln''': ♫Hungry, y'all? Look no further!♫
:'''Loud Kids''': ♫Come on down to Burpin' Burger / Grade B Beef and special spice / When it comes back up, it's twice as nice!♫ ''[burp on cue]''

==Episode 17==
===''House Music (17.1)''===
:''[Luna has a fantasy]''
:'''Mick Swagger''': And now, I'd like to introduce the greatest musical discovery of my 40 year career: Luna Loud!
:''[Luna starts rocking out as the crowd chants &quot;Luna&quot;]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leni''': ''[singing]'' ♫Backup backup backup!♫
:'''Luna''': No no no no. Leni, you don't actually sing the words &quot;Backup&quot;. You sing what's on the page.
:'''Leni''': Oh. Got it! ''[singing]'' ♫What's on the page! What's on the page! What's on the pa-haaaaaage!♫
:'''Red Hemka''': ''[sternly]'' Oh, I got an even better song! This one's called, Leni is a stupid blonde!

===''A Novel Idea (17.2)''===
:'''Rita''': Hey, come on. I know it's not as exciting as Dad's office, but you're Lincoln Loud. You can make anything fun.
:'''Lincoln''': Well, I guess that's true. Okay. I'm in.
:'''Mr. Grouse''': Nice dress, Loud!
:'''Lincoln''': ''[coughs]'' Right after I change.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': Just another routine job for Agent-- ''[sees the girls]'' Oh, for crying out Loud!
:''[the girls and Dad are all having a suction cup dart fight]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[trips over the floss and the supplies from the cabinet of fun fall on top of him]'' Dang it!

==Episode 18==
===''April Fools Rules (18.1)''===
:'''Lola''': Arms up, Lincoln! Your turn for bubble-wrap.
:'''Lincoln''': ''[puts his hand in front of Lola]'' Not this year, Lola. I'm not getting pranked.
:''[Loud girls chatter]''
:'''Lola''': It's never been done!
:'''Lynn''': Are you crazy?
:'''Lincoln''': Ladies! Ladies! I got a plan! I'm simply gonna lock myself in my room till the day's over. I've got snacks, video games and a hose to pee in, which I call the Tinkle Tube. Patent pending.
:'''Lori, Leni, Luna, Lynn, Lucy, Lola and Lily''': Ew!
:'''Lana''': Cool!
:'''Lincoln''': ''[points to his window]'' It goes out the window! The point is, I'll never have to leave my room so Luan will never get me.
:''[The siblings look frightened as they hear Luan coming up the stairs while holding a sausage]''
:'''Luan''': Ooh! It's Pranksmas Eve...and I'm just bubbling with excitement. ''[pops a piece of Lola's bubble wrap and walks away]''
:'''Lola''': I'm gonna need more bubble wrap! And a fresh pair of undies.

===''Cereal Offender (18.2)''===
:'''Woman''': Ahh! There's a child in the frozen peas! Ahh!
:'''Lincoln''': ''[finds that it's Lisa]'' Lisa! What are you doing?
:'''Lisa''': Research for my [[wikipedia:cryopreservation|cryogenic freezer]]. The future needs my brain.
:'''Lincoln''': I don't believe this.

==Episode 19==
===''Lincoln Loud: Girl Guru (19.1)''===
:'''Clyde''': ''[he and Lincoln try to make balloon animals; one of them pops]'' Lincoln! Look professional! We've got a customer!
:'''Liam''': Uh, I'll take the, uh, cheeseburger?
:'''Clyde''': It's a bunny rabbit.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lincoln and Clyde both run down the hallway when Kat screams and an explosion is heard]''
:'''Zach''': I was trying to impress you with my basic chemistry skills!
:'''Kat''': You burnt my braids, you doofus!
:'''Zach''': He told me to do it!
:'''Kat''': What?!

===''Come Sale Away (19.2)''===
:'''Luna''': ''[knocks on the door]'' Hello, ma'am!
:'''Lola''': ''[shoves Luna aside]'' Did you buy a blanket?
:'''Luna''': ''[shoves Lola aside]'' From a garage sale today?
:'''Woman''': I didn't buy a blanket, but I did buy ''this'' hunk of junk! ''[holds up a vacuum cleaner which explodes in her face]'' I want my money back!
:'''Luna and Lola''': Uh, ''[point at each other]'' she sold it to you!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flip''': ''[pouring chemicals into a washer fluid bottle]'' I'm lovin' these 2-for-1 chemicals, I'm gonna make a fortune selling them as windshield wiper fluid! Ha ha, suckers! ''[boom]'' Well, the lil' Psychic Girl was right. Business ''is'' booming.

==Episode 20==
===''Roughin' It (20.1)''===
:''[Lincoln is knitting headbands with Luna]''
:'''Luna''': You got it bro! These accessories will make our outfits rockin!
:'''Lincoln''': Rocking!
:'''Luna''': And if you braid the strands real tight, they're strong enough to use as ropes. Right, Chunk?
:'''Chunk''': ''[pulling on a rope]'' Right as rain, love. ''[notices the piano is too big for the window]'' We're gon'a need a bigger window though.

===''The Waiting Game (20.2)''===
:'''Lincoln''': I don't get it. How could Chandler not invite us? I loaned him a pencil in math class and held the bathroom door open for him!
:'''Clyde''': And I made eye contact with him everyday like this! ''[takes off his glasses revealing his astigmatic eyes]'' Who wouldn't want this face at a party?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': Hey, ready for your dance? You're not wearing that, are you?
:''[Lori wearing her employee uniform with her dance dress hung up on the door.]''
:'''Lori''': I'm not going to the dance. My boss is making me work tonight to pay for all the free stuff I gave you. Instead of Romance Under the Sea, I'm gonna have mozzarella under the fingernails. Thanks a lot, Lincoln. ''[leaves for her overtime shift]''

==Episode 21==
===''The Loudest Yard (21.1)''===
:''[two stinkers named Hank and Hawk confront Lynn and Lincoln]''
:'''Hank''': What team are you on?
:'''Lincoln''': The Royal Woods Roosters!
:'''Lincoln &amp; Lynn''': ''[waving their hands high up]'' Cock-a-doodle-doo!
:'''Hawk''': Nice cheer. When we play you, you're cock-a-doodle-doomed!
:'''Hank''': Yeah! I'm gonna pluck me a few feathers! ''[their laugh which irks Lynn]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[At Lincoln and Lynn's big game, the rest of the Loud family are at the big game; Lori is using binoculars to find Lincoln]''
:'''Lori''': I literally don't see Lincoln anywhere. ''[spots him right in front of her face and shrieks in surprise]''

===''Raw Deal (21.2)''===
:'''Leni''': I can't wait to see Pop-Pop! ''[her siblings look at her confused]'' The guidebook said there was an old geezer in the park.
:'''Lincoln''': Geyser, not geezer. See? Here it is. ''[shows her said geyser in the guidebook]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lisa''': Well, Lucy, I guess you'll be throwing out those silly cards now that you've been completely discredited.
:'''Lucy''': Wrong, I can prove fortune telling is real with one last prediction: ''[draws one more card]'' &quot;The end is near!&quot;
:'''Lisa''': Oh please, gimme a-
:''[end card in the style of Lucy's fortune telling cards with a dowl on it]''
:'''Lucy''': Told ya, he cards don't lie.

==Episode 22==
===''Dance Dance Resolution (22.1)''===
''[Lincoln's sisters scare him]''
:'''Leni''': So did Ronnie Anne ask you to the Sadie Hawkins Dance?
:'''Lincoln''': ''[stammering]'' Uh, yee, uh, um...
:'''Lori''': I bet she was so excited. The Sadie Hawkins is literally the most important dance in a girl's life.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': ''[acting melancholy]'' Hi, I'm Lincoln.
:'''Haiku''': Hi, Lincoln. Wanna hear my poem? &quot;Empty, lonely, dark. The universe is weeping. I have no tissues.&quot; Okay, your turn.
:'''Lincoln''': Uh... &quot;[[w:Jack and Jill (nursery rhyme)|Jack and Jill went up a hill to fetch a pail of water...]]&quot;
:'''Haiku''': Oh, yes. The futility of teamwork. Deep stuff.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lincoln's dates confront Lincoln]''
:'''Lincoln''': You guys, I'm sorry. I can explain.
:'''Tabby''': Wait, let me go first. I'm sorry to say this, Lincoln, but would you mind if I hung out with somebody else for the rest of the night? I really hit it off with that guy, Liam.
:'''Giggles''': Yeah, and I'm having a really great time with Zach.
:'''Haiku''': Yes, and I enjoy Clyde. We share the same pain.
:'''Polly''': Same with me and Rusty; though, the pain is mostly his.
:'''Lincoln''': Sure. No problem. I'm glad you're all having fun.

===''A Fair to Remember (22.2)''===
:'''Lori''': What do I do? I'm sick of Lincoln crashing our dates, but it makes Bobby so happy. He says Lincoln's like the brother he never had.
:'''Leni''': I know; why don't you hang out with Bobby's little sister Ronnie Anne, she could be like the sister ''you'' never had! ''[Lori and Lucy just awkwardly stare at her for that statement]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[As he waits for his brother, he hears Lori crying]''
:'''Car Salesman''': Miss, your vehicle is okay. He's in the service department fixing it.
:'''Lori''': He's not my vehicle. I literally don't think I have a vehicle anymore! ''[cries]''

==Episode 23==
===''One of the Boys (23.1)''===
:''[Lisa presses the button on the watch and a portal opens up.]
:'''Lincoln''': Holy moly! Awesome! ''[proceeds to enter it, but stops]'' Wait, why are you doing this for me?
:'''Lisa''': I need beta testers. Now, are we doing this, or am I sending Lana to a dimension where she's a toad?
:'''Lincoln''': Oh, we're doing it!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gus' Games and Grub]''
:'''Loki''': Five pies for ten guys!
:'''Lane''': I sure hope Mom and Dad gave us enough... dough! ''[laughs]'' Get it?!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''ALT. Lynn Sr.''': Hey, boys!
:'''Leif''': PILE ON DAD!
:''[Lynn Sr. screams as his sons pounce on him.]''
:'''Levi''': We got you!
:'''Lars''': Say uncle.
:'''Loni''': ''[confused]'' I thought he was our dad.
:'''ALT. Lynn Sr.''': ''[begging for mercy]'' UNCLE!
:''[The boys run into the house, cheering and laughing.]''
:'''ALT. Lynn Sr.''': ''[groans in pain]'' Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have daughters.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lori''': ''[livid]'' That was literally mine! You are so gonna pay!
:'''Lincoln''': ''[fearing]'' Please don't stick my head down the toilet!
:'''Lori''': What? I meant with money.
:'''Lincoln''': Oh, of course. That's more than fair.
:'''Lola''': ''[scoffs]'' Breaking Lori's watch? You sir, have no class! ''[storms off]''
:''[The sisters all go back to bed.]''
:'''Lincoln''': I'm so glad my sisters are nothing like my brothers.
:'''Lynn''': Hey, Lincoln, I almost forgot something. ''[pantses him and runs off laughing]''
:'''Lincoln''': Except for Lynn.

===''A Tattler's Tale (23.2)''===
:'''Lincoln''': ''[to the viewers]'' What can I say? We're not angels. Sometimes, we mess up. But the great thing is, if you need to get something off your chest, you can always trust your siblings. ''[a knock at the door is heard]'' Well, not all of them.
:''[Lincoln walks up to the door and opens it, revealing to be Lola; She enters the room]''
:'''Lola''': Whatcha guys talkin about?
:'''Lisa''': Quantum physics!
:'''Lynn''': Monster trucks!
:'''Lori''': Bobby!
:'''Leni''': Politics!
:'''Lynn''': Baseball!
:'''Luan''': Jokes!
:'''Lana''': Global warming!
:'''Lola''': You're telling secrets again, aren't you? It's not fair! I never get included!
:'''Lincoln''': That's because you're a tattle-tale, Lola.
:'''Lola''': ''[scoffs]'' I am NOT! ''[Lincoln and the others look at her with disbelief while a cricket chirps]'' Okay, I'll admit I used to be a tattle-tale, but I changed! ''[Everybody still doesn't believe her as they murmur to each other; Lola growls loudly, tosses her tiara aside in fury, and screams at the top of her lungs]'' MOM! THEY WON'T LET ME IN THEIR SECRET SECRETS CLUB!!!
:''[As Lola storms out of the room, Lincoln quickly shuts the door; Lisa checks her list of secrets]'
:'''Lisa''': Mmm. So where were we?
:'''Lincoln''': I broke Dad's disco ball, Lori scratched the car, Luna caused the blackout, and Lucy ruined Mom's wedding dress. Who's next?
:'''Lana''': ''[raising her hand]'' Ooh! Ooh! So you know how Dad was yelling at Charles for chewing up his boots? ''[giggles]'' That was me!
:''[The siblings begin laughing]''
:'''Luan''': ''[with realization]'' Wait a second. Weren't those steel toe?

==Episode 24==
===''Funny Business (24.1)''===
:'''Lincoln''':​ Boy, we are killing it. But I've been thinking, maybe you should do a little less of the talky stuff and more of the pratfalls.
:''[Enraged, Luan drops all of her supplies and turns to Lincoln, he's shocked]''
:'''Luan''':​ Are you kidding me?!
:'''​Lincoln''':​ What?
:'''Luan''':​ Look, Lincoln. Just because you got a few laughs does not make you an expert on clowning. There's a lot more to it than just falling on your butt.
:'''Lincoln''':​ Well, the audience sure seems to like my --
:'''Luan''':​ Lincoln, enough! No more pratfalls. I am the clown. YOU are the assistant. Now go refill these whoopee cushions.
:'''Lincoln''':​ But they're already inflated.
:'''Luan''':​ ''[deflates them at her brother's face]'' Not anymore!
:''[Luan walks to the house, opens the door, then slams it]
:'''Lincoln''':​ Oh, yeah?! Well, that would've been funnier if you'd fallen on your butt!

===''Snow Bored (24.2)''===
:'''Lisa''': This just in: there will ''not'' be a snow day tomorrow. Once I spray my super strength salt across the city roadways, we shall have no trouble accessing school.
:'''Loud Kids''': BOO! ''[they throw pillows at her]''
:'''Lola''': WHY WOULD YOU RUIN OUR SNOW DAY?!
:'''Lisa''': ''[clears her throat and pulls a chart down]'' For every school day you miss, your brain functionality decreases by approximately 0.006%.
:'''Leni''': But Lisa, snow days are F-O-N! Fun!!!
:'''Lisa''': ''[presses a button and the chart goes up]'' I rest my case. Besides, I fail to see how frolicking in frozen temperatures like a bunch of nincompoops is fun.
:'''Lincoln''': What if we could show you how fun snow days can be? ''Then'' would you call off the salt?
:'''Leni''': Yeah! ''[chanting]'' F-O-N! F-O-N!
:'''Loud Kids''': F-O-N! F-O-N!
:'''Lisa''': FINE! But only because I can't stand to hear you spell erroneously.
:''[The others walk away cheering]''
:'''Leni''': Wait - I thought we were spelling &quot;fun&quot;?

==Episode 25==
===''The Price of Admission (25.1)''===
:'''Old Man''': I got hearts, kidneys, and ears-- ''[rises up a hoe and digs deep into something]''
:'''Lincoln''': The Harvester! ''[runs away]''
:''[it's actually just Mr. Grouse tending to his garden]''
:'''Mr. Grouse''': [[wikipedia:Hearts of romaine|Romaine lettuce]], [[wikipedia:Kidney bean|kidney beans]] and [[wikipedia:Maize|ears of corn]]. You never heard of a guy growing his own vegetables before?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': Okay, Question 63: What does &quot;[[wikt:going Dutch|going Dutch]]&quot; mean, and does it have anything to do with Dutch ovens?
:'''Lori''': Hmm. ''[phone beep]'' Session's over, Lincoln. I have to talk to Bobby; he started his new pizza delivery job tonight.
:'''Bobby''': Check it, babe. I spelled your name with pepperonis. ''[the pizza, pepperoni spelling &quot;Lory&quot;, slides right out of the box]'' That's coming out of my paycheck.

===''One Flu Over the Loud House (25.2)''===
:'''Lisa''': In case we're attacked, this concoction will slow down the infected. ''[blasts Lincoln]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[tasting the concoction]'' Tastes like chicken soup.
:'''Lisa''': That's because it ''is'' chicken soup. ''[hands gun to him]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': Safe Haven, we're back in. What is this crisis you were talking about?
:'''Clyde''': I made a peanut sauce for the Sante Fe egg rolls. But then I realized someone might have a food allergy.
:'''Lincoln''': ''That's'' the crisis?! We're fighting for our lives, Clyde! No one has a food allergy!
:'''Clyde''': That's a relief, 'cause this sauce really ties the dish together. Safe Haven out.

==Episode 26==
===''Study Muffin (26.1)''===
:''[The doorbell rings and Lincoln answers it to find a good looking fellow at the door.]''
:'''Hugh''': Um... I beg your pardon. Is this the Loud residence?
:'''Lincoln''': Yep. You must be my tutor. I'm Lincoln.
:'''Hugh''': ''[shakes Lincoln's hand]'' I'm Hugh. Quite chuffed to meet you.
:'''Lincoln''': Uh...the chuff is all mine. Come on in.
:''[They both head inside and begin their study session.]''
:'''Lincoln''': I really appreciate this, Hugh. I have a big multi-subject test coming up, and I need to ace it.
:''[Enter Lori on her phone.]''
:'''Lori''': So, I'm like, if you literally don't know the difference between dance team and color guard- ''[gasps at the sight of Hugh and drops her phone; now stammering.]'' Ba...ba...ba...
:'''Lincoln''': Lori, you okay?
:'''Lori''': ''[speechless]'' Er...um...yes. ''[picks up her phone]'' I was just going to get a...hunk of meat. I mean, a...dish of cereal. Er, tall drink of water? 
:''[She turns and smacks into the wall, dropping her phone again.]''
:'''Hugh''': Miss, you dropped your mobile. 
:''[He picks it up and hands it to her. Lori fawns awkwardly and Lana enters with a net.]''
:'''Lana''': I heard a goose! I call dibs! ''[sees Hugh and gets the same reaction as Lori; blushing]'' Ba...ba...ba...
:''[Enter Leni wearing a facial mask.]''
:'''Leni''': I heard a sheep. ''[removes the cucumber slices on her eyes and sees Hugh]'' AAH! MY FACE! ''[runs off]''
:''[The rest of Lincoln's sisters minus Lily show up with their things. They see Hugh and react like Lori and Lana]''
:'''Luna, Luan, Lynn, Lucy, Lola and Lisa''': ''[blushing] Ba...ba...ba...
:''[Leni returns without her facial mask.]''
:'''Leni''': Hey, guys. Lincoln, I didn't know you were entertaining. Hi. I'm- ''[sees Hugh up-close and reacts the same way]'' Ba...ba...ba...ba...
:'''Hugh''': Um, hello. I'm Hugh, Lincoln's tutor. It's lovely to meet you all.
:'''Sisters''': ''[infatuated]'' Ba...ba...ba...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Family meeting in the living room.]''
:'''Lincoln''': You guys are unbelievable! The minute a good-looking guy with an accent shows up, you all go completely bonkers!
:'''Leni''': That is so not true! ''[she is revealed to be wearing a sweater decidated to Hugh]'' I've got these Hugh sweaters in small, medium and large.
:'''Other sisters and Lynn Sr.''': Ooh!
:'''Lincoln''': This has to end. I need to study, or I'm gonna flunk 5th grade! So from now on, Hugh is off-limits!
:''[The girls complain about this and walk away with disappointment.]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[in a British accent]'' Now, girls. You heard Lincoln.
:'''Lincoln''': ''[agitated]'' Uh, that means you too, Dad.
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[disappointed]'' Oh! ''[walks away]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The next day, Lincoln returns home from school with a disappointed look on his face.]''
:'''Lynn''': How'd the test go, bro? You aced it?
:'''Lincoln''': ''[angrily]'' No! I got an F! ''[slumps on the floor]''
:'''Luan''': ''[takes the test and looks at it]'' Oh, and a frowny face. That's cold! ''[pulls out a phone]'' I know just Hugh to call! ''[laughs]'' Get it?
:''[The girls start fighting over who should call him.]''
:'''Lana''': I'm calling Hugh!
:'''Lola''': No, me!
:'''Lori''': I'm calling Hugh!
:'''Lincoln''': I don't get it. I thought I knew all the answers. ''[sighs]'' Ms. DiMartino is definitely gonna flunk me now.
:''[The girls stop fighting.]''
:'''Lynn''': Wait. Ms. DiMartino?
:'''Lincoln''': Yeah. She's been our substitute teacher since Mrs. Johnson broke her leg riding a mechanical bull.
:'''Luna''': Dude, no wonder you're failing. Ms. D is so smokin', guys go completely bonkers around her.
:'''Lori''': Yeah. Even Bobby nearly flunked because of her. Of course, that was BL: Before Lori. ''[grimly]'' Or he never would have noticed her.
:'''Lincoln''': But that couldn't happen to me! ''[thinking]'' Could it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': ''[realizes]'' Holy shmoly! You guys are right! I do go completely bonkers around Ms. DiMartino, just like you guys did around Hugh!
:''[The girls are all wearing Hugh sweaters.]''
:'''Leni''': I don't know why you keep saying that. By the way, if Hugh and I ever got married and had a baby, here's what it would look like. ''[shows an online baby picture she made]''
:'''Lisa''': Oh, Leni, you're delusional. Because I'm gonna marry him, and our progeny is gonna look like this. ''[shows her online baby]''
:''[The girls start fighting again, this time over who will marry Hugh.]''
:'''Lincoln''': Guys, you gotta help me! I don't wanna flunk fifth grade! Clyde could end up as a tattooed litterbug!
:'''James and Dexter''': EVERYONE! SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:''[Again, the girls stop fighting, when James and Dexter yell at them. And puzzled by what Lincoln said.]''
:'''Lincoln''': It made sense when he said it.
:'''Luan''': Maybe you can get Ms. DiMartino to let you retake the test.
:'''Lincoln''': But as long as she's anywhere near me, I'm still gonna blow it!
:'''Lisa''': Well then, the solution would be to remove her from your field of vision. Observe. ''[she takes Lori's phone with Hugh's pic]'' Lori, what is Bobby's full name?
:'''Lori''': Roberto Alejandro Martinez- ''[shown the pic and fawns]'' Roberto Alejandro- ''[shown the pic and fawns again]'' Roberto- ''[shown and fawning again]''
:'''Lisa''': And now to delete.
:'''Leni, Luna, Luan, Lynn, Lucy, Lana, and Lola''': NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
:''[Lisa deletes the Hugh image which is now replaced with a picture of Lori taking a duckface selfie.]''
:'''Lori''': ''[shakes her head and comes to her senses.]'' Roberto Alejandro Martinez-Millan Luis Santiago, Jr.
:'''Lisa''': Case closed.

===''Homespun (26.2)''===
:'''Lori''': AAH! DANG IT!
:''[In the kitchen, Lincoln is taking out the trash when he hears Lori scream]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[to the viewers]'' Sounds like someone got trapped in the bathroom again.
:''[Inside the bathroom, Lori, wearing a bathrobe and towel on her head, is holding the doorknob to the bathroom door, which just broke off; She growls at this]''
:'''Lori''': Somebody let me out! Bobby's coming over to study, and I only have three hours to get ready! ''[Lori struggles to open the bathroom door, when suddenly, she slips; She grabs hold of the shower curtain, but it rips off; The pole holding the curtain bonks Lori on the head; Lori growls even louder at this string of events]'' THIS HOUSE IS LITERALLY FALLING APART!!!
:'''Lincoln''': ''[to the viewers]'' Lori's right. With 11 kids, four pets... and two parents who insist on fixing everything themselves, our house is a bit of a, how do I put this nicely, disaster.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Lynn Sr.''': All right, everyone, back inside.
:''[Lynn Sr. attempts to open the door, only for the door handle to break off]''
:'''Loud Family''': Dang it!

[[Category:The Loud House seasons]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3153546</id>
      <parentid>3153545</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T13:43:39Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2601:5CE:4380:36F0:7162:8A95:5E97:8027</ip>
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      <comment>/* The Sweet Spot (4.1) */</comment>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="55463" xml:space="preserve">'''''[[The Loud House]]''''' Season 1

==Episode 1==
===''Left in the Dark (1.1)''===
:'''Lincoln''': ''[marks calendar]'' It's finally here: the live season finale of the GREATEST! SHOW! ''EVER!'' ''[to viewers]'' All right, I know you're probably saying to yourself: &quot;Lincoln, with ten sisters, there's no way you're going to get to watch your favorite show.&quot; And you'd be right; every Sunday at eight it's the same thing. ''[flashback of his sisters fighting over the remote]'' But tonight, I have a plan.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lucy''': Sorry, Lincoln, I can't miss my vampires. Edwin is so cold and tormented and mysterious. Sigh. If only he wasn't from another century...
:'''Lincoln''': ''[gets an idea]'' Another century! That's okay, Lucy. You watch your show on the big color TV. I'll just go watch my show on Dad's crummy old ''black and white'' TV.
:'''Lucy''': Black and white are my favorite colors.
:'''Lincoln''': Yeah, it'll make watching my show a little bit more... ''spooky!''
:'''Lucy''': Spooky is also my favorite color.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Many of the Loud kids murmur in confusion about the power outage.]''
:'''Lori''': All right! All right! Everybody just calm down!
:'''Leni''': Guys! I can't see anything! I think I've gone blind!
:'''Lori''': No, you didn't go blind. What the heck happened?
:'''Lincoln''': I was just plugging in the old TV for Lucy and it must've made the lights go out.
:'''Lori''': Of course it was your fault, Lincoln.
:''[All the other sisters complain about what their brother did.]''
:'''Lincoln''': What? All I did was plug in some dumb old TV!
:''[The sisters still won't listen to their brother.]''
:'''Luan''': Hey! I know why the lights went out! Cause they liked each other! [laughs as her siblings sigh] Get it? Get it?
:'''Lisa''': That one was so good, it deserves a cookie. [hands her one]
:'''Luan''': &quot;Oh, thanks. [eats it] &quot;So anyway, what did one light bulb say to the other? [suddenly starts glowing]
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Clyde enters the room]''
:'''Clyde''': Cadet Clyde reporting for duty! ''[notices Lori]'' L-L-Lori? Red alert. Red alert. Does not compute. Circuit overload. Must abort mission. ''[leaves]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[to the viewers]'' I told you it gets awkward.

===''Get the Message (1.2)''===
:'''Lana''': No running in the hallway!
:'''Lincoln''': Huh? What are you talking about?
:'''Lola''': Lana, is this maggot giving you lip? ''[writes a ticket]''
:'''Lana''': We're the new hall monitors at school, so we're practicing at home.
:''[They stick the ticket to Lincoln's head with gum]''
:'''Lola''': If we catch you speeding again, you're going downtown! We already locked up Luan for telling bad jokes.
:'''Luan''': ''[in a cardboard jail cell]'' Hey! Did you hear the one about the thief who stole a calendar? He got twelve months! ''[laughs]'' Get it?
:'''Lola''': That's five more minutes, dirtbag!
:'''Lincoln''': Okay, okay. I'll walk within the speed limit. I swear.&quot;
:'''Lana''': NO SWEARING!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': Clyde, what have I done?! I called Lori a ''[a guitar riff is heard over his voice]'' when she's actually a ''[harp strings are heard]''!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lori''': ''[plucking her nose, while talking to Bobby]'' If you want our couple name to be Lobby, you're going to have to show a little-- ''[notices Lincoln's letter on the floor]'' What's this? ''[picks it up and reads it]'' &quot;Why Lori is the worst sister ever&quot;?! Bobby, I gotta go. I'm gonna turn Lincoln into a human pretzel! ''[Lincoln is scratching his head and jumps in shocked as Lori burst out of the bathroom with the letter on her hand showing the letter to him]'' LINCOLN! WHAT IS THIS?!
:'''Lincoln''': Well, it's time to do the official dance of the Loud House: the Running Man! ''[puts on his new googles and starts to dance away from Lori's wrath]''
:'''Lori''': WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU, I'M GONNA-- ''[Luna emerges, censoring Lori's rant of rage with her rock music]''

==Episode 2==
===''Heavy Meddle (2.1)''===
:'''Lynn''': ''[carrying a boy]'' I found him!
:''[the Loud sisters surround the boy Lynn is carrying]''
:'''Lori''': How dare you bully our brother! Only we get to do that.

===''Making the Case (2.2)''===
:''[Outside the Loud House, Lincoln comes back depressed]''
:'''Lincoln''': I sure hope that worked. ''[opens the door only to find out that his sisters are STILL furious]'' It ''didn't'' work.
:'''Lori''': ''[sternly]'' Lincoln...
:'''Lincoln''': ''[apologetically]'' I know I embarrassed you and I can't undo it, and I'm sorry, but the least I could do was embarrass myself right along with you, that way we'd all be even!
:'''Lynn''': Even? You think this makes us even?
:'''Lincoln''': Well, I was trying to-
:'''Lynn''': Yours was way worse!
:'''Lori''': ''[cheerfully]'' Yeah! That video was hysterical!
:''[The girls surround Lincoln and ensure him that they forgive him]''
:'''Lincoln''': So, we're good?
:'''Lucy''': We're good...brother.
:'''Luan''': Sorry you didn't win the trophy.
:'''Lori''': But we really appreciate what you did and thought you deserved something. ''[hands him a tiny trophy]''
:'''Lincoln''': Wow. Thanks, guys.
:''[Lola and Lynn hug him and Luna pats him on the head; he runs to the case and places the trophy in his spot]''
:'''Lincoln''': Most Improved Brother. ''[to the viewers]'' I did it. My sisters no longer despise me, Cristina's switching classes, and I finally made the case.
:''[Another flatulent sound occurs and the other girls look at Lori suspiciously]''
:'''Lori''': It was my shoe!

==Episode 3==
===''Driving Miss Hazy (3.1)''===
:'''Lincoln''': Okay, first, fasten your seat belt.
:''[Lola puts her beauty pageant sashes on them to simulate the seat belts]''
:'''Leni''': That was easy.
:'''Lincoln''': Next, check your mirrors.
:'''Leni''': Why?! Do I look bad?!
:'''Lincoln''': No no no! No! I meant-
:'''Leni''': Stop the car! I can't drive in this hideous condition! ''[comes back now wearing a helmet]'' That's better.
:'''Lincoln''': ''[sighs]'' Lesson 12: Avoiding road hazards. There's a squirrel in the road. What do you do?
:''[Lily, in a squirrel costume, speaks squirrel language]'' 
:'''Leni''': Aahhhhhhhhh!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': This is a brake pedal. What does the brake pedal do? ''[beat]'' White shoes after [[wikipedia:Labor Day|Labor Day]]!
:'''Leni''': Ew, stop!
:'''Lincoln''': Exactly. This is the gas pedal. What does the gas pedal do? ''[beat]'' Boots from the 60's.
:'''Leni''': [[wikipedia:Go-go boot|Go-go]]!

===''No Guts, No Glori (3.2)''===
:'''Lincoln''': ''[drinking lemonade]'' Ah, Friday night. You survived another week of school. Now it's time to kick back, forget your troubles, and crack open a brand new video game. ''[gets out a copy of Super Mega Brawlers Turbo Fighter and smells it.]'' Love that new game smell. ''[Suddenly picks up another scent; one that worries him]'' Wait a minute. ''[sniffs again]'' Is that...Oh no!
:''[Soon, his sisters start picking up the scent as well]''
:'''Lucy''': Sniff. Sniff.
:'''Lincoln''': Mom's expensive perfume. Which can only mean one thing. ''[checks the calendar and finds out what tonight is...]'' Date night! Which can only mean one other thing!
:'''Rita''': Lori's in charge, do what she says, bye! ''[leaves]''
:'''Lincoln''': NOOOOOOOOO! She gets a sick thrill from bossing us around! In this house, we call her the Queen of-
:'''Lori''': [from upstairs] NO! ''[unplugs Luna's amplifiers]'' NO MUSIC! ''[tosses Lana's mud pie in the trash]'' NO MUD PIES! ''[approaches Leni who's talking on the phone] NO-
:'''Leni''': Way! That's totes cray cray.
:'''Lori''': ''[hangs up Leni's call]'' No phone calls. AND NO VIDEO GAMES! ''[takes away Lincoln's game]''

==Episode 4==
===''The Sweet Spot (4.1)''===
:'''Lincoln''': The back row is so far away from Mom and Dad, that it turns into the wild, wild west.
:''[Flashback; Lola and Lana look at each other angrily while Lincoln is seen with a comic book and soda between them]''
:'''Lola''': Stop looking at me.
:'''Lana''': You stop looking at me!
:''[Lola and Lana fight near Lincoln; The fight stops shortly with Lincoln looking messy]''
:'''Lincoln''': Come on! We haven't even left the driveway yet!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[crying over the destruction of Vanzilla caused by the siblings fighting over the best seat of Vanzilla]'' That was my first car, and my dad's first car, and ''his'' dad's first car!
:'''Rita''': (''enraged''] ALRIGHT, EVERYONE, BACK INSIDE! THE ROAD TRIP IS ''OFF!'' YOU'RE GOING TO SPEND THIS WEEKEND SITTING ''TOGETHER'' IN THE LIVING ROOM UNTIL YOU LEARN TO GET ALONG!

===''A Tale of Two Tables (4.2)''===
:'''Lana''': Hey, Lincoln, do you like seafood? ''[sticks his tongue out to show [[wikipedia:Bolus (digestion)|chewed food]] See? Food. Bleh!
:'''Lola''': Hey, Lucy! ''[puts fries on outside of her mouth as if they were vampire fangs]'' I vant to suck your blood!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': Can I have my dinner in peace?
:'''Lana''': Did you say &quot;peas&quot;?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': Beans, beans, the musical fruit, the more you eat, the more you- ''[flatulence]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Lincoln Loud, that is enough!

==Episode 5==
===''Project Loud House (5.1)''===
:'''Lisa''': ''[with a first aid ointment]'' Here's the antidote.
:'''Lincoln''': Thank you! ''[suspicious]'' Wait a second... 
:''[He tests it on Walt the bird, who suddenly puffs up like a blimp]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[annoyed]'' The ''real'' antidote?
:'''Lisa''': Fine. Hairless apes: two, science: zero. ''[gives him the actual antidote and goes to the car]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[hands it to a relieved Leni]'' Here.
:'''Lucy''': ''[reads one of her poems]'' Failure. It's all your fault, this streak of bad luck. No escape from this cycle in which you are stuck.
:'''Lincoln''': Stop! I've got a poem for you now, it's called &quot;Lucy&quot;! Dark as night, hair like tar. Take your spooky self to the car.
:'''Lucy''': Sigh. Once again, your poetic brilliance has put me to shame.

===''In Tents Debate (5.2)''===
:''[the Loud sisters complain about their vacation campsite]''
:'''Lynn''': That place is the worst! Bears always steal our food!
:''[Lily roars like a bear]''
:'''Leni''': And we have to sleep on the hard ground!
:'''Lola''': And poop in the woods!
:'''Lana''': I like pooping in the woods.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lincoln runs out of his room screaming in pain from sunburn]''
:'''Lincoln''': News flash: giving me a sunburn is NOT the way to win my vote!
:'''Lori''': Huh? ''[peels the label from the sunscreen bottle]'' &quot;[[wikipedia:Sodium hypochlorite|Sodium hydrochlorite]]: avoid contact with skin?&quot; This has Lisa written all over it!
:'''Leni''': So, ''that's'' how you spell &quot;Lisa&quot;?

==Episode 6==
===''Sound of Silence (6.1)''===
:''[flashback: Lola tries to apply mascara when a frog croaks from behind her and makes her mess up]''
:'''Lana''': Aw, you're a burpy-durpy today! Isn't he the cutest?
:'''Lola''': ''[chuckling menacingly under a wicked grin]'' So cute...
:'''Lana''': ''[about to feed the frog]'' Who's hungry? ''[notices he's missing]'' Seymour? Where'd you go? ''[sees Lola whistling and carrying a shovel]'' Nooo!! ''[end flashback]''
:'''Lana''': I mean I can't prove she took out Seymour, but I never saw him again.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lola''': ''[comes into Lincoln's room]'' Lincoln, is this too much mascara? Be honest. It's super-super-super important!
:'''Lincoln''': ''[having muted Lola out]'' Ahh... I couldn't agree more!
:'''Lola''': ''[confused]'' Agree with what?
:'''Lincoln''': Right back at ya!
:'''Lola''': Okay, you're weird.

===''Space Invader (6.2)''===
:''[Lincoln goes up to Lynn and Lucy's room where the other girls are listening; Lynn and Lucy are having a fight]''
:'''Lynn''': You're always Miss Gloom and Doom! Like, would it kill you to smile once in a while?!
:'''Lucy''': It would.
:'''Lincoln''': What's going on?
:'''Lori''': Lucy and Lynn are going at it. Again.
:'''Luan''': I'd make a joke about fighting, but I can't think of a good punchline. ''[laughs]'' Get it? Get it?
:'''Lisa''': ''[recording]'' Human subjects seem to be proving Charles Darwin correct.
:'''Leni''': I can't bare to watch! ''[puts cucumber slices over her facial mask]'' That's better.
:''[A jock strap comes flying out of the room and the others duck in time to avoid it]''
:'''Lori''': I'd hate to get in the middle of this one.
:'''Lincoln''': I totally agree.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lynn and Lucy grab some spaghetti and start to fight with it]''
:'''Lincoln''': Uh-oh.
:''[they start fighting for amusement and laughing, and Lincoln joins in]''
:'''Lori''': Welp, I'm outskies.
:'''Luan''': Yeah, it's way ''pasta'' our bedtime.

==Episode 7==
===''Picture Perfect (7.1)''===
:'''Lincoln:''' I've figured out the perfect present for Mom and Dad! ''[holds up camera]'' Ta-da!
:'''Lana:''' You're giving them Dad's old camera?
:'''Lola:''' Wow, you ''are'' cheap!
:'''Lincoln:''' No, not the camera; a photograph of all of us!
:'''Lori:''' Why use that old thing when you can just use a cellphone?
:'''Lincoln:''' Because that would be like painting the Mona Lisa with a crayon.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The girls are offended by Lincoln making them look normal]''
:'''Lori''': So, that's what this is all about! You don't like us the way we are.
:'''Lincoln''': Well you see, that is to say--
:'''Lori''': Okay, guys, let's all put on perfect smiles for Lincoln's perfect picture, because heaven forbid we be our actual ''literal'' selves!

===''Undie Pressure (7.2)''===
:''[Luna is listening to the radio and listens to an announcement.]''
:'''Jay Rock''': ''[over the radio]'' Hey, cats and kittens, this is Jay Rock here! I'm giving away Mick Swagger tickets to the caller with... the best British accent!
:''[Hearing this, Luna's eyes widen. She looks back and forth, slinks away to behind the curtains. and calls the radio station on her phone.]
:'''Jay Rock''': ''[on the phone]'' Hello, you're on the air! Let's hear your best British accent.
:'''Luna''': ''[whispering; in a British accent]'' Come on, love, hand over those tickets.
:'''Jay Rock''': Yeah, sorry, caller, I can't hear you!
:'''Luna''': ''[whispering, slightly louder]'' Come on, love, hand over those tickets!
:'''Jay Rock''': If you don't speak up, you can't win!
:'''Luna''': ''[shouting]'' HAND OVER THE BLEEDIN' TICKETS, MATE! 
:''[Lincoln opens the curtains to reveal Luna to the other sisters.]'' 
:'''Luna''': ''[sheepishly in a Swedish accent]'' Herdie-verdie? 
:''[Buzzer noise]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lola''': ''[eyes beneath hair]'' You may have outlasted those amateurs, but now you've gotta deal with a real professional! ''[dramatic spotlight is cast on Lola, revealing that her face is messy]''
:'''Lincoln''': I'M NOT GIVING UP! FOR THE SAKE OF ALL THINGS COMFORTABLE! ''[snaps the seat of his leggings, giving him pain]'' Ugh, gotta do something about these pants.

==Episode 8==
===''Linc or Swim (8.1)''===
:''[Lincoln finally jumps in, but the lifeguard blows her whistle and catches Lincoln with a skimmer]''
:'''Lifeguard''': Loud family, out!
:''[the Loud kids leave the pool]''
:'''Lori''': But we were just having fun.
:'''Lily''': Poo-poo.
:'''Lifeguard''': Fecal incidents are not fun.
''[people in [[wikipedia:Hazmat suit|hazmat suits]] scrub the walls of the emptied pool to get rid of Lily's &quot;poo-poo&quot;]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The girls are having a pool party right in their backyard while Lily is streaking]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[chasing her with her diaper]'' Lily! No skinny dipping! ''[gets splashed by Lynn and sees Lisa adding some kind of chemical]'' Lisa! No! What do you think you're doing?
:'''Lisa''': Testing sanitation levels. I've concocted a special serum that will detect and eliminate urine, AKA tinkle, in H2O.
:'''Lincoln''': I'm sure no one here would...
:''[Lisa adds the serum, which vaporizes the water into a pink smoke within seconds, revealing that her older sisters somehow tinkled in the pool]''
:'''Lisa''': Hmm... unprecedented levels.
:'''Luan''': Marco!
:'''Leni''': Marco!
:'''Luan''': No, Leni. I'm Marco. You're Polo.
:'''Leni''': Then who's Leni?

===''Changing the Baby (8.2)''===
:'''Lincoln''': Hey, Lana, you wanna try half of my peanut butter and sauerkraut sandwich?
:'''Lana''': I eat some grody things, but that is disgusting. ''[sniffs it and retches; runs to the bathroom]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leni''': Help! ''[Lori and Lincoln rush to her rescue and see her in Lily's crib]'' Oh, thank goodness. I got in here to show Lily my fashion magazine, but now I can't get out of this baby prison! ''[bawls like a baby, so Lincoln and Lori help her out]'' Agoo.

==Episode 9==

===''Overnight Success (9.1)''===

:'''Lola''': ''[barges in with a makeup kit]'' Princess Makeover Time! ''[sees Lincoln's friend Liam]'' Ooh, a new toad! ''[she gives him a full makeover against his will, and Liam runs out the house]
:'''Liam''': Huh? Aah! I look like my MeeMaw!
:'''Lola''': Some people just don't appreciate beauty. I made your eyes pop, kid!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lori''': Okay, who wants pizza bites?
:'''Clyde''': Abort, abort, system shutting down.
:'''Leni''': Sheesh! Are there peanuts in ''everything?!''

===''Ties That Bind (9.2)''===


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lori''': ''[sees Leni with her tanktop]'' Is that my shirt?! Take it off!
:'''Leni''': I can't. ''[pointing to Mr. Coconuts]'' There are boys here!
:''[Mr. Coconuts raises his eyebrows and Luan covers his eyes]''
:'''Luan''': Ah, coconuts!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[Lincoln overhears another conversation between his parents from the vent.]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': What do you mean we got a bun in the oven?!
:'''Lincoln''': ''[gasps]'' You guys! ''[runs off to tell his sisters]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': You know I'm gluten free!

==Episode 10==
===''Hand-Me-Downer (10.1)''===
:'''Lincoln''': Sometimes in life, you just gotta take chances. You know what they say: no risk, no re-wha!
:'''Clyde''': What's a &quot;re-wah&quot;?
:'''Lincoln''': ''[notices the bike is missing]'' My bike! It's gone!
:'''Clyde''': ''[to his mannequin]'' Manny! You were supposed to watch the bikes!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lori''': See, Lincoln? We all have to deal with hand-me-downs; we just learned to make the best of them.
:'''Lincoln''': You don't have to deal with them, you're the oldest!
:'''Lori''': Are you kidding me? This isn't really a tank top! It's literally the top of Mom's old girdle!
:''[the other Loud sisters are disgusted]''
:'''Lynn''': Well, enough chit-chat. I gotta get to my competition. ''[takes Lori's hand-me-down bike.]''
:'''Lincoln''': You're gonna ride that?!
:'''Lynn''': ''[annoyed]'' What choice do I have? ''[rides off]''
:'''Luan''': ''[threateningly to Lincoln]'' You'd better not let Colonel Crackers get stolen!
:''[The rest of Lincoln's sisters go back inside, tired of Lincoln's behavior.]''
:'''Colonel Crackers''': &quot;Hey! You heard the lady!&quot;
:''[Lincoln looks on in remorse and fear.]''

===''Sleuth or Consequences (10.2)''===
:''[Lincoln shuffles deck of cards with pictures of his sisters on onto his desk]''
:'''Lincoln''': One of you is the perp, but which one?
:'''Lucy''': ''[comes out of nowhere]'' Hey, Linc. ''[scares Lincoln]'' I might have a tip for you.
:'''Lincoln''': Really? Wait. Why do you wanna help?
:'''Lucy''': I don't care about being grounded. My life is just an endless mental prison, anyway. But it's not fair that you have to miss your thing.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lynn''': Woohoo! My team did it! We're number one! ''[diarrhea]'' Ooh! Time for Number 2! ''[hurries to the bathroom]''
:'''Lana''': Dad! I think we're gonna need Big Bertha again!

==Episode 11==

===''Butterfly Effect (11.1)''===

:'''Lincoln''': ''[he and Charles see that Lisa's room is a mess]'' Yikes. I better go tell Lisa.
:''[Lincoln's imagination: Lisa observes the damage in a dark, stylized environment]''
:'''Lisa''': ''[turning red with anger, with her teeth sharpened] '''You've... COMPLETELY DESTROYED MY LIFE'S WORK! I DESPISE YOU, AND YOU NO LONGER EXIST TO ME!'''''
''[a wall of fire burns in the background behind her, along with a cultist choir]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Lincoln''': Boy, am I glad that nightmare's over. ''[hears a bicycle bell outside, looks out and sees Lori and Clyde riding a tandem bike dragging a string of cans and a sign reading &quot;JUST MARRIED&quot;]'' (Except that one.) Ahh!

===''The Green House (11.2)''===

:'''Mrs. Johnson''': What's that? You hate polar bears, you're a polar bear hater!?
:'''Lincoln''': ''[still muffled, his head above the ceiling]'' No! I love them! They're cool!
:''[kids boo at Lincoln]''
:'''Female Student 1''': If you make us lose, Lincoln, you'll be an outcast!
:'''Girl Jordan''': You might as well throw your social life out the window.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[the Loud sisters unplug the TV, and are revealed to wear nothing but potato sacks for tops and bandages for shoes, stink, and begin scolding Lincoln furiously]''
:'''Lori''': Game over, Lincoln!
:'''Lincoln''': It's not what it looks like!
:'''Lori''': We're up there making all these sacrifices, and you're down here playing some stupid computer game?!
:'''Lincoln''': OK, so maybe it is what it looks like.
:'''Lynn''': If you don't wanna give anything up, why should ''we''?
:'''Lincoln''': But... but... ''[shows poster]'' Polar bear?
:''[The girls are starting to feel remorse again, but this time, they snap out of it.]''
:'''Lola''': Aww... Wait a minute, you can't use that on us anymore!
:'''Lori''': Come on, girls. Let's go get our stuff back.
:'''Leni''': ''[holding up her glass of air]'' And a refill!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

==Episode 12==
===''Along Came a Sister (12.1)''===
:'''Mrs. Johnson''': Frank needs to be fed twice a day, and under no circumstances should he be let out of his cage. ''[chuckling to herself]'' Unlike ''me'' this weekend...
:''[The kids glance awkwardly at each other]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leni''': Oh, I need milk. 
:''[She opens the fridge, where Frank happens to be on the milk bottle]''
:'''Lisa''': Wait! ''[slams fridge shut]'' You're lactose intolerant!
:'''Leni''': No, I'm not. I'm tolerant of everyone, whether they lack toes or not. 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leni''': ''[Frank plops right onto her glass]'' Ha! Nice try, Luan, but I'm not falling for another one of your fake spiders, though this one looks pretty real. ''[Frank blinks]'' AAAAH! SPIDER! ''[busts out the bug spray]''
:'''non-Leni Loud kids''': Nooo!
:'''Leni''': ''[unleashes a massive spray cloud and runs off]'' WORST SURPRISE PARTY EVER!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': I'll miss you, Frank, but I'm glad things are gonna be back to normal around here.
:'''Leni''': ''[brushing her hair]'' 20. 21. 22. 23.
:''[it is revealed that Frances laid her egg sac in the vents; the babies hatch and scurry into Leni's room]''
:'''Leni''': AAAAAAAAAH! SPIDERS!

===''Chore and Peace (12.2)''===
:'''Lincoln''': &quot;Can I get a little help here?&quot;
:'''Lori''': ''[refuses to help him]'' Can't you see I'm doing the laundry? ''[laughs]'' LOL, Bobby!
:'''Lincoln''': ''[unable to hold the bag]'' WHOA! ''[gets crushed; finally gets the bag out to the curb only to find that the weight from it has torn a hole in it and the trash has been scattered everywhere]'' Dang it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Luna''': So, what'a ya think, Chunk?
:'''Chunk''': It stinks.
:'''Luna''': Way harsh, dude.
:'''Chunk''': Not the song, your room. Chunk's gotta blow. ''[leaves]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The doorbell rings; Lincoln answers it]''
:'''Reporter''': Hi, we're from the Miss Cute N' Mean pageant, here to do a behind the scenes interview with Miss Lola Loud.
:'''Lola''': ''[singing as she comes down in her trash-themed ensemble]'' Here she is! The next Cute N' Mean! ''[fart]''
:'''Reporter''': Ew! More like Miss Gross N' Gnarly! Interview over! ''[the crew leaves]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': Hang on, Lily! I'm coming! ''[dives into laundry flooding the basement, but starts to &quot;drown&quot;]'' So...much...underwear!
:'''Lori''': ''[pulling him out]'' Yeah, and that's just Dad's.

==Episode 13==
===''For Bros About to Rock (13.1)''===
:'''Lincoln''': Clyde! Line's moving!
:''[They try to get their spot back, but their place in line loses completely]''
:'''Sean Gantka''': Hey! No cuts, kid!
:'''Mollie Freilich''': Back of the line, line cutter!
:'''Lincoln''': But that was our spot! ''[Two people ignores him. To Clyde, pushing him]'' Come on.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[A cop disguised as a scalper gives Lincoln and Clyde tickets]''
:'''Lincoln and Clyde''': We're in! ''[they are handcuffed]''
:'''Cop''': You're in alright: &quot;in&quot;-carcerated!
:'''Clyde''': Are those good seats?
:'''Cop''': Buying [[wikipedia:Ticket resale|scalped tickets]] is illegal. Let's go, hooligans!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Bobby, a mall cop, unknowingly sees through Luna's disguise]''
:'''Bobby''': Hey Luna!
:'''Captain''': You know their mother?
:'''Bobby''': That's not their mother! That's his sister! Nice wig by the way.
:'''Captain''': &quot;Wig&quot;?!
:''[Luna giggles nervously]''
:'''Scoots''': Oh, snap.

===''It's a Loud, Loud, Loud, Loud, House (13.2)''===
:''[the Loud kids fight over a quarter Lincoln finds]''
:'''Rita''': What are they fighting over this time? A nickel under the ottoman?
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Nope! A quarter down the sofa.
:'''Rita''': We better stop them before they start biting.
:'''Lincoln''': [Lola bites him] Ow, Lola!
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Too late!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:''[the parents see the kids cheering over the treasure]''
:'''Rita''': I have to admit, it's nice to see them sharing money and not fighting over it.
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Yep. All part of Sharon's plan.
:'''Rita''': Was destroying the house part of Sharon's plan?
:''[overview of the damaged house interior]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': No. No, it was not.
:'''Rita''': Well, now she can Sharon DeCleanUp! ''[hands him a broom]''

==Episode 14==
===''Toads and Tiaras (14.1)''===
:'''Lana''': Darn you, Lincoln! I am in... but wait, what if Lola finds out? You know what she's capable of.
:''[an image of Lola looking on wickedly with hellfire and an evil choir is shown, causing Lincoln and Lana to shudder with fear]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': ''[sees a cameraman]'' I didn't know this was going to be on TV. Good thing we don't get the Princess Channel!
:''[Though, Lynn Sr does just that so that a recuperating Lola can watch the pageant]''
:'''Lola''': Thanks for getting me the Princess Channel, daddy!
:'''Lynn Sr.''': No problem, sweetie. It was either that or the sports channel, and who needs that, huh? ''[crying]''

===''Two Boys and a Baby (14.2)''===
:''[Luan and Lynn eating weird food]''
:'''Lori''': Ew! When was this pudding made?!
:'''Lisa''': ''[examining the can]'' Seeing as this flag on the label only has [[:File:Flag of the United States (1912-1959).svg|48 stars]]--
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lily shoots her farts against Lincoln and Clyde, who run for the window and gasp for fresh air]''
:'''Clyde''': It's practically radioactive!
:'''Lincoln''': Huh. Radioactive, you say?

==Episode 15==
===''Cover Girls (15.1)''===
:'''Lisa''': ''[from Lincoln's bedroom window]'' Approach at a 63 degree angle! :''[Lincoln jumps but crashes into his wall, making a big hole. Luan covers the hole with a poster.]'' 
:'''Lisa''': Correction: 62 degrees!
:''[Lincoln weakly gives a thumbs up.]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rita''': ''[coming upstairs]'' Lucy? Lynn? How's the cleaning coming?
:'''Lincoln''': ''[determined]'' This calls for...the Trunk! ''[opens up his trunk and takes out some items; now wearing a wig like Lucy's hair and imitating her melancholy demeanor]'' I scrub and scrub, yet the stain of human suffering remains.
:'''Rita''': ''[uneasy]'' Okay.
:''[Now Lincoln is disguised like Lynn.]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[imitating Lynn]'' Not me, Mom! I'm knocking these dust balls out of the park!
:'''Rita''': ''[carrying a bunch of towels]'' Good to hear. ''[Lincoln sighs with relief]'' Leni, how's your spring cleaning coming?
:'''Lincoln''': ''[lunges into Lori and Leni's doorway; imitating Leni]'' Good! As soon as I find those springs, I'll clean them!

===''Save the Date (15.2)''===
:''[Lincoln comes home after school]''
:'''Lori''': You MONSTER! ''[throws a tissue box at Lincoln]''
:'''Lincoln''': Ow! What was that for?
:'''Lori''': You made Ronnie Anne '''CRY'''!
:'''Lincoln''': Cry? I didn't mean to! Wait, how do you know?
:''[Lori throws a teddy bear at Lincoln, who jumps out of the way]''
:'''Lori''': Bobby told me... ''[starts to cry]'' '''RIGHT BEFORE HE BROKE UP WITH ME!'''
:'''Lincoln''': What? Why does Bobby care? ''[Lori throws a couch cushion at Lincoln, prompting him to duck; she opens a photo album showing a picture of Bobby and Ronnie Anne together]''
:'''Lori''': Because Bobby is literally Ronnie Anne's brother! He said he could never date someone related to someone who hurt someone he's related to! Or something like that!
:'''Lincoln''': Ronnie Anne has a brother?! I thought she was raised by trolls.
:''[Lori throws a bunch of CDs in rapid fire fashion; Lincoln shields himself with the cushion]''
:'''Lori''': D'AAAAHH!! THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT BOBBY WAS TALKING ABOUT!
:''[Lori chases after Lincoln, who hides behind the chair; he trips, and Lori catches him and holds him up by his shirt]''
:'''Lori''': You have to make things right with Ronnie Anne!
:'''Lincoln''': Okay! Okay! I'll call her right now and apologize! ''[picks up the phone]''
:'''Lori''': NO! ''[hangs up the phone]'' Nuh-uh! Actions speak louder than words! Bobby has to see you being nice to her. That's the only way he'll get back together with me! Which is why we're going on a double date!
:'''Lincoln''': WHAT?!
:'''Lori''': It's all been arranged! We have a reservation at Jean Juan's French-Mex Buffet at six! AND YOU'LL! MAKE HER! FEEL! LIKE THE MOST SPECIAL GIRL! IN THE WORLD!
:'''Lincoln''': ''[gags]'' I'd rather lick the bathroom...
:''[Lori picks up the end table and threatens to crush him with it]''
:'''Lincoln''': I'll go iron my khakis!
:''[Lincoln runs out of the scene]
:''[Joy Cunningham goes over to Lori and kicks the blonde in the crotch, making Lori drop the end table on her]''
:'''Lori''': Ouch! Right in the round tables.
:'''Joy Cunningham''': Good for you! You deserve it! Lincoln didn't insult Ronnie Anne! Name Dropper and Green Trunko told him to!
:'''Lori''': I'll apologize for my bossiness!
:'''Fear''': NO! Nuh-uh! Expressions speak louder than actions and words! We literally have to see you being nice to Lincoln.
:'''Anger''': He's right! ''[sternly]'' What would you do if you're so smart, Lori?
:'''Disgust''': Take this you literal stupid blonde!
:''[Disgust punches Lori's eye, making it swell]''
:'''Sadness''': You get another kick in the crotch!
:''[Sadness kicks Lori in the crotch; only this time, Sadness grabs out a knife and stabs her in the groin}''
:'''Fear''': Let that be a lesson to you! Lori!

==Episode 16==
===''Attention Deficit (16.1)''===
:''[Lincoln and Clyde walk by Flip's juice cart]''
:'''Clyde''': Oh, hang on, Lincoln. I'm gonna get volcano Lori a juice. Running from Bobby's tormented screams has made her thirsty.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lynn''': Hey, Lincoln! ''[examines him]'' You look different.
:'''Lincoln''': My sideburns are even.
:'''Lynn''': No, it's more than that. Your skin is glowing, you look taller, and you smell like... ''[smells him]'' ...organic Brussels sprouts? Okay, what gives?
:'''Lincoln''': I spent tonight at Clyde's. His dads helped me with my volcano and served me food with no foil and asked me about my day!
:'''Lynn''': Get out! That sounds amazing! ''[thinks for a second]'' Hey, do you think they could help me with my baseball swing?
:'''Lincoln''': Sure. I think Clyde said one of his dads played ball in college. Why don't you come over after school tomorrow?
:'''Lynn''': Oh, that would be awesome! ''[playfully punches his arm]''
:'''Lincoln''': Ow! Lynn, do you mind? Clyde's dads just gave me my vaccinations.

===''Out on a Limo (16.2)''===
:''[Limo arrives at Burpin' Burger and takes the drive-thru]''
:'''Employee''': ''[On audio box]'' Welcome to Burpin' Burger. May I take your order?
:'''Luna''': Eleven burgers and fries, love.
:'''Lincoln''': Don't forget one for Kirby.
:'''Kirby''': Thank you, sir. I mean, Lincoln.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': ''[to the viewers while holding a burger]'' The only thing better than being a man in a limo is being a family in a limo.
:''[Everyone is enjoying their burgers when Tetherby's limo drives up to Lincoln's]''
:'''Tetherby''': I say, Loud, it's good to see you back in a limo. What say you ditch the riffraff and come back to the club?
:''[Tetherby's invitation surprises Lincoln as he darts his eyes at his sisters and Kirby who are afraid he'll leave them]''
:'''Lincoln''': You know what, Tetherby? How about some... ''[he and his sisters squirt Tetherby and his limo with mustard]'' ...mustard to go with that baloney!
:''[And with that, they drive off, singing the Burpin' Burger jingle]''
:'''Lincoln''': ♫Hungry, y'all? Look no further!♫
:'''Loud Kids''': ♫Come on down to Burpin' Burger / Grade B Beef and special spice / When it comes back up, it's twice as nice!♫ ''[burp on cue]''

==Episode 17==
===''House Music (17.1)''===
:''[Luna has a fantasy]''
:'''Mick Swagger''': And now, I'd like to introduce the greatest musical discovery of my 40 year career: Luna Loud!
:''[Luna starts rocking out as the crowd chants &quot;Luna&quot;]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leni''': ''[singing]'' ♫Backup backup backup!♫
:'''Luna''': No no no no. Leni, you don't actually sing the words &quot;Backup&quot;. You sing what's on the page.
:'''Leni''': Oh. Got it! ''[singing]'' ♫What's on the page! What's on the page! What's on the pa-haaaaaage!♫
:'''Red Hemka''': ''[sternly]'' Oh, I got an even better song! This one's called, Leni is a stupid blonde!

===''A Novel Idea (17.2)''===
:'''Rita''': Hey, come on. I know it's not as exciting as Dad's office, but you're Lincoln Loud. You can make anything fun.
:'''Lincoln''': Well, I guess that's true. Okay. I'm in.
:'''Mr. Grouse''': Nice dress, Loud!
:'''Lincoln''': ''[coughs]'' Right after I change.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': Just another routine job for Agent-- ''[sees the girls]'' Oh, for crying out Loud!
:''[the girls and Dad are all having a suction cup dart fight]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[trips over the floss and the supplies from the cabinet of fun fall on top of him]'' Dang it!

==Episode 18==
===''April Fools Rules (18.1)''===
:'''Lola''': Arms up, Lincoln! Your turn for bubble-wrap.
:'''Lincoln''': ''[puts his hand in front of Lola]'' Not this year, Lola. I'm not getting pranked.
:''[Loud girls chatter]''
:'''Lola''': It's never been done!
:'''Lynn''': Are you crazy?
:'''Lincoln''': Ladies! Ladies! I got a plan! I'm simply gonna lock myself in my room till the day's over. I've got snacks, video games and a hose to pee in, which I call the Tinkle Tube. Patent pending.
:'''Lori, Leni, Luna, Lynn, Lucy, Lola and Lily''': Ew!
:'''Lana''': Cool!
:'''Lincoln''': ''[points to his window]'' It goes out the window! The point is, I'll never have to leave my room so Luan will never get me.
:''[The siblings look frightened as they hear Luan coming up the stairs while holding a sausage]''
:'''Luan''': Ooh! It's Pranksmas Eve...and I'm just bubbling with excitement. ''[pops a piece of Lola's bubble wrap and walks away]''
:'''Lola''': I'm gonna need more bubble wrap! And a fresh pair of undies.

===''Cereal Offender (18.2)''===
:'''Woman''': Ahh! There's a child in the frozen peas! Ahh!
:'''Lincoln''': ''[finds that it's Lisa]'' Lisa! What are you doing?
:'''Lisa''': Research for my [[wikipedia:cryopreservation|cryogenic freezer]]. The future needs my brain.
:'''Lincoln''': I don't believe this.

==Episode 19==
===''Lincoln Loud: Girl Guru (19.1)''===
:'''Clyde''': ''[he and Lincoln try to make balloon animals; one of them pops]'' Lincoln! Look professional! We've got a customer!
:'''Liam''': Uh, I'll take the, uh, cheeseburger?
:'''Clyde''': It's a bunny rabbit.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lincoln and Clyde both run down the hallway when Kat screams and an explosion is heard]''
:'''Zach''': I was trying to impress you with my basic chemistry skills!
:'''Kat''': You burnt my braids, you doofus!
:'''Zach''': He told me to do it!
:'''Kat''': What?!

===''Come Sale Away (19.2)''===
:'''Luna''': ''[knocks on the door]'' Hello, ma'am!
:'''Lola''': ''[shoves Luna aside]'' Did you buy a blanket?
:'''Luna''': ''[shoves Lola aside]'' From a garage sale today?
:'''Woman''': I didn't buy a blanket, but I did buy ''this'' hunk of junk! ''[holds up a vacuum cleaner which explodes in her face]'' I want my money back!
:'''Luna and Lola''': Uh, ''[point at each other]'' she sold it to you!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flip''': ''[pouring chemicals into a washer fluid bottle]'' I'm lovin' these 2-for-1 chemicals, I'm gonna make a fortune selling them as windshield wiper fluid! Ha ha, suckers! ''[boom]'' Well, the lil' Psychic Girl was right. Business ''is'' booming.

==Episode 20==
===''Roughin' It (20.1)''===
:''[Lincoln is knitting headbands with Luna]''
:'''Luna''': You got it bro! These accessories will make our outfits rockin!
:'''Lincoln''': Rocking!
:'''Luna''': And if you braid the strands real tight, they're strong enough to use as ropes. Right, Chunk?
:'''Chunk''': ''[pulling on a rope]'' Right as rain, love. ''[notices the piano is too big for the window]'' We're gon'a need a bigger window though.

===''The Waiting Game (20.2)''===
:'''Lincoln''': I don't get it. How could Chandler not invite us? I loaned him a pencil in math class and held the bathroom door open for him!
:'''Clyde''': And I made eye contact with him everyday like this! ''[takes off his glasses revealing his astigmatic eyes]'' Who wouldn't want this face at a party?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': Hey, ready for your dance? You're not wearing that, are you?
:''[Lori wearing her employee uniform with her dance dress hung up on the door.]''
:'''Lori''': I'm not going to the dance. My boss is making me work tonight to pay for all the free stuff I gave you. Instead of Romance Under the Sea, I'm gonna have mozzarella under the fingernails. Thanks a lot, Lincoln. ''[leaves for her overtime shift]''

==Episode 21==
===''The Loudest Yard (21.1)''===
:''[two stinkers named Hank and Hawk confront Lynn and Lincoln]''
:'''Hank''': What team are you on?
:'''Lincoln''': The Royal Woods Roosters!
:'''Lincoln &amp; Lynn''': ''[waving their hands high up]'' Cock-a-doodle-doo!
:'''Hawk''': Nice cheer. When we play you, you're cock-a-doodle-doomed!
:'''Hank''': Yeah! I'm gonna pluck me a few feathers! ''[their laugh which irks Lynn]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[At Lincoln and Lynn's big game, the rest of the Loud family are at the big game; Lori is using binoculars to find Lincoln]''
:'''Lori''': I literally don't see Lincoln anywhere. ''[spots him right in front of her face and shrieks in surprise]''

===''Raw Deal (21.2)''===
:'''Leni''': I can't wait to see Pop-Pop! ''[her siblings look at her confused]'' The guidebook said there was an old geezer in the park.
:'''Lincoln''': Geyser, not geezer. See? Here it is. ''[shows her said geyser in the guidebook]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lisa''': Well, Lucy, I guess you'll be throwing out those silly cards now that you've been completely discredited.
:'''Lucy''': Wrong, I can prove fortune telling is real with one last prediction: ''[draws one more card]'' &quot;The end is near!&quot;
:'''Lisa''': Oh please, gimme a-
:''[end card in the style of Lucy's fortune telling cards with a dowl on it]''
:'''Lucy''': Told ya, he cards don't lie.

==Episode 22==
===''Dance Dance Resolution (22.1)''===
''[Lincoln's sisters scare him]''
:'''Leni''': So did Ronnie Anne ask you to the Sadie Hawkins Dance?
:'''Lincoln''': ''[stammering]'' Uh, yee, uh, um...
:'''Lori''': I bet she was so excited. The Sadie Hawkins is literally the most important dance in a girl's life.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': ''[acting melancholy]'' Hi, I'm Lincoln.
:'''Haiku''': Hi, Lincoln. Wanna hear my poem? &quot;Empty, lonely, dark. The universe is weeping. I have no tissues.&quot; Okay, your turn.
:'''Lincoln''': Uh... &quot;[[w:Jack and Jill (nursery rhyme)|Jack and Jill went up a hill to fetch a pail of water...]]&quot;
:'''Haiku''': Oh, yes. The futility of teamwork. Deep stuff.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lincoln's dates confront Lincoln]''
:'''Lincoln''': You guys, I'm sorry. I can explain.
:'''Tabby''': Wait, let me go first. I'm sorry to say this, Lincoln, but would you mind if I hung out with somebody else for the rest of the night? I really hit it off with that guy, Liam.
:'''Giggles''': Yeah, and I'm having a really great time with Zach.
:'''Haiku''': Yes, and I enjoy Clyde. We share the same pain.
:'''Polly''': Same with me and Rusty; though, the pain is mostly his.
:'''Lincoln''': Sure. No problem. I'm glad you're all having fun.

===''A Fair to Remember (22.2)''===
:'''Lori''': What do I do? I'm sick of Lincoln crashing our dates, but it makes Bobby so happy. He says Lincoln's like the brother he never had.
:'''Leni''': I know; why don't you hang out with Bobby's little sister Ronnie Anne, she could be like the sister ''you'' never had! ''[Lori and Lucy just awkwardly stare at her for that statement]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[As he waits for his brother, he hears Lori crying]''
:'''Car Salesman''': Miss, your vehicle is okay. He's in the service department fixing it.
:'''Lori''': He's not my vehicle. I literally don't think I have a vehicle anymore! ''[cries]''

==Episode 23==
===''One of the Boys (23.1)''===
:''[Lisa presses the button on the watch and a portal opens up.]
:'''Lincoln''': Holy moly! Awesome! ''[proceeds to enter it, but stops]'' Wait, why are you doing this for me?
:'''Lisa''': I need beta testers. Now, are we doing this, or am I sending Lana to a dimension where she's a toad?
:'''Lincoln''': Oh, we're doing it!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gus' Games and Grub]''
:'''Loki''': Five pies for ten guys!
:'''Lane''': I sure hope Mom and Dad gave us enough... dough! ''[laughs]'' Get it?!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''ALT. Lynn Sr.''': Hey, boys!
:'''Leif''': PILE ON DAD!
:''[Lynn Sr. screams as his sons pounce on him.]''
:'''Levi''': We got you!
:'''Lars''': Say uncle.
:'''Loni''': ''[confused]'' I thought he was our dad.
:'''ALT. Lynn Sr.''': ''[begging for mercy]'' UNCLE!
:''[The boys run into the house, cheering and laughing.]''
:'''ALT. Lynn Sr.''': ''[groans in pain]'' Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have daughters.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lori''': ''[livid]'' That was literally mine! You are so gonna pay!
:'''Lincoln''': ''[fearing]'' Please don't stick my head down the toilet!
:'''Lori''': What? I meant with money.
:'''Lincoln''': Oh, of course. That's more than fair.
:'''Lola''': ''[scoffs]'' Breaking Lori's watch? You sir, have no class! ''[storms off]''
:''[The sisters all go back to bed.]''
:'''Lincoln''': I'm so glad my sisters are nothing like my brothers.
:'''Lynn''': Hey, Lincoln, I almost forgot something. ''[pantses him and runs off laughing]''
:'''Lincoln''': Except for Lynn.

===''A Tattler's Tale (23.2)''===
:'''Lincoln''': ''[to the viewers]'' What can I say? We're not angels. Sometimes, we mess up. But the great thing is, if you need to get something off your chest, you can always trust your siblings. ''[a knock at the door is heard]'' Well, not all of them.
:''[Lincoln walks up to the door and opens it, revealing to be Lola; She enters the room]''
:'''Lola''': Whatcha guys talkin about?
:'''Lisa''': Quantum physics!
:'''Lynn''': Monster trucks!
:'''Lori''': Bobby!
:'''Leni''': Politics!
:'''Lynn''': Baseball!
:'''Luan''': Jokes!
:'''Lana''': Global warming!
:'''Lola''': You're telling secrets again, aren't you? It's not fair! I never get included!
:'''Lincoln''': That's because you're a tattle-tale, Lola.
:'''Lola''': ''[scoffs]'' I am NOT! ''[Lincoln and the others look at her with disbelief while a cricket chirps]'' Okay, I'll admit I used to be a tattle-tale, but I changed! ''[Everybody still doesn't believe her as they murmur to each other; Lola growls loudly, tosses her tiara aside in fury, and screams at the top of her lungs]'' MOM! THEY WON'T LET ME IN THEIR SECRET SECRETS CLUB!!!
:''[As Lola storms out of the room, Lincoln quickly shuts the door; Lisa checks her list of secrets]'
:'''Lisa''': Mmm. So where were we?
:'''Lincoln''': I broke Dad's disco ball, Lori scratched the car, Luna caused the blackout, and Lucy ruined Mom's wedding dress. Who's next?
:'''Lana''': ''[raising her hand]'' Ooh! Ooh! So you know how Dad was yelling at Charles for chewing up his boots? ''[giggles]'' That was me!
:''[The siblings begin laughing]''
:'''Luan''': ''[with realization]'' Wait a second. Weren't those steel toe?

==Episode 24==
===''Funny Business (24.1)''===
:'''Lincoln''':​ Boy, we are killing it. But I've been thinking, maybe you should do a little less of the talky stuff and more of the pratfalls.
:''[Enraged, Luan drops all of her supplies and turns to Lincoln, he's shocked]''
:'''Luan''':​ Are you kidding me?!
:'''​Lincoln''':​ What?
:'''Luan''':​ Look, Lincoln. Just because you got a few laughs does not make you an expert on clowning. There's a lot more to it than just falling on your butt.
:'''Lincoln''':​ Well, the audience sure seems to like my --
:'''Luan''':​ Lincoln, enough! No more pratfalls. I am the clown. YOU are the assistant. Now go refill these whoopee cushions.
:'''Lincoln''':​ But they're already inflated.
:'''Luan''':​ ''[deflates them at her brother's face]'' Not anymore!
:''[Luan walks to the house, opens the door, then slams it]
:'''Lincoln''':​ Oh, yeah?! Well, that would've been funnier if you'd fallen on your butt!

===''Snow Bored (24.2)''===
:'''Lisa''': This just in: there will ''not'' be a snow day tomorrow. Once I spray my super strength salt across the city roadways, we shall have no trouble accessing school.
:'''Loud Kids''': BOO! ''[they throw pillows at her]''
:'''Lola''': WHY WOULD YOU RUIN OUR SNOW DAY?!
:'''Lisa''': ''[clears her throat and pulls a chart down]'' For every school day you miss, your brain functionality decreases by approximately 0.006%.
:'''Leni''': But Lisa, snow days are F-O-N! Fun!!!
:'''Lisa''': ''[presses a button and the chart goes up]'' I rest my case. Besides, I fail to see how frolicking in frozen temperatures like a bunch of nincompoops is fun.
:'''Lincoln''': What if we could show you how fun snow days can be? ''Then'' would you call off the salt?
:'''Leni''': Yeah! ''[chanting]'' F-O-N! F-O-N!
:'''Loud Kids''': F-O-N! F-O-N!
:'''Lisa''': FINE! But only because I can't stand to hear you spell erroneously.
:''[The others walk away cheering]''
:'''Leni''': Wait - I thought we were spelling &quot;fun&quot;?

==Episode 25==
===''The Price of Admission (25.1)''===
:'''Old Man''': I got hearts, kidneys, and ears-- ''[rises up a hoe and digs deep into something]''
:'''Lincoln''': The Harvester! ''[runs away]''
:''[it's actually just Mr. Grouse tending to his garden]''
:'''Mr. Grouse''': [[wikipedia:Hearts of romaine|Romaine lettuce]], [[wikipedia:Kidney bean|kidney beans]] and [[wikipedia:Maize|ears of corn]]. You never heard of a guy growing his own vegetables before?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': Okay, Question 63: What does &quot;[[wikt:going Dutch|going Dutch]]&quot; mean, and does it have anything to do with Dutch ovens?
:'''Lori''': Hmm. ''[phone beep]'' Session's over, Lincoln. I have to talk to Bobby; he started his new pizza delivery job tonight.
:'''Bobby''': Check it, babe. I spelled your name with pepperonis. ''[the pizza, pepperoni spelling &quot;Lory&quot;, slides right out of the box]'' That's coming out of my paycheck.

===''One Flu Over the Loud House (25.2)''===
:'''Lisa''': In case we're attacked, this concoction will slow down the infected. ''[blasts Lincoln]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[tasting the concoction]'' Tastes like chicken soup.
:'''Lisa''': That's because it ''is'' chicken soup. ''[hands gun to him]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': Safe Haven, we're back in. What is this crisis you were talking about?
:'''Clyde''': I made a peanut sauce for the Sante Fe egg rolls. But then I realized someone might have a food allergy.
:'''Lincoln''': ''That's'' the crisis?! We're fighting for our lives, Clyde! No one has a food allergy!
:'''Clyde''': That's a relief, 'cause this sauce really ties the dish together. Safe Haven out.

==Episode 26==
===''Study Muffin (26.1)''===
:''[The doorbell rings and Lincoln answers it to find a good looking fellow at the door.]''
:'''Hugh''': Um... I beg your pardon. Is this the Loud residence?
:'''Lincoln''': Yep. You must be my tutor. I'm Lincoln.
:'''Hugh''': ''[shakes Lincoln's hand]'' I'm Hugh. Quite chuffed to meet you.
:'''Lincoln''': Uh...the chuff is all mine. Come on in.
:''[They both head inside and begin their study session.]''
:'''Lincoln''': I really appreciate this, Hugh. I have a big multi-subject test coming up, and I need to ace it.
:''[Enter Lori on her phone.]''
:'''Lori''': So, I'm like, if you literally don't know the difference between dance team and color guard- ''[gasps at the sight of Hugh and drops her phone; now stammering.]'' Ba...ba...ba...
:'''Lincoln''': Lori, you okay?
:'''Lori''': ''[speechless]'' Er...um...yes. ''[picks up her phone]'' I was just going to get a...hunk of meat. I mean, a...dish of cereal. Er, tall drink of water? 
:''[She turns and smacks into the wall, dropping her phone again.]''
:'''Hugh''': Miss, you dropped your mobile. 
:''[He picks it up and hands it to her. Lori fawns awkwardly and Lana enters with a net.]''
:'''Lana''': I heard a goose! I call dibs! ''[sees Hugh and gets the same reaction as Lori; blushing]'' Ba...ba...ba...
:''[Enter Leni wearing a facial mask.]''
:'''Leni''': I heard a sheep. ''[removes the cucumber slices on her eyes and sees Hugh]'' AAH! MY FACE! ''[runs off]''
:''[The rest of Lincoln's sisters minus Lily show up with their things. They see Hugh and react like Lori and Lana]''
:'''Luna, Luan, Lynn, Lucy, Lola and Lisa''': ''[blushing] Ba...ba...ba...
:''[Leni returns without her facial mask.]''
:'''Leni''': Hey, guys. Lincoln, I didn't know you were entertaining. Hi. I'm- ''[sees Hugh up-close and reacts the same way]'' Ba...ba...ba...ba...
:'''Hugh''': Um, hello. I'm Hugh, Lincoln's tutor. It's lovely to meet you all.
:'''Sisters''': ''[infatuated]'' Ba...ba...ba...
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Family meeting in the living room.]''
:'''Lincoln''': You guys are unbelievable! The minute a good-looking guy with an accent shows up, you all go completely bonkers!
:'''Leni''': That is so not true! ''[she is revealed to be wearing a sweater decidated to Hugh]'' I've got these Hugh sweaters in small, medium and large.
:'''Other sisters and Lynn Sr.''': Ooh!
:'''Lincoln''': This has to end. I need to study, or I'm gonna flunk 5th grade! So from now on, Hugh is off-limits!
:''[The girls complain about this and walk away with disappointment.]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[in a British accent]'' Now, girls. You heard Lincoln.
:'''Lincoln''': ''[agitated]'' Uh, that means you too, Dad.
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[disappointed]'' Oh! ''[walks away]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The next day, Lincoln returns home from school with a disappointed look on his face.]''
:'''Lynn''': How'd the test go, bro? You aced it?
:'''Lincoln''': ''[angrily]'' No! I got an F! ''[slumps on the floor]''
:'''Luan''': ''[takes the test and looks at it]'' Oh, and a frowny face. That's cold! ''[pulls out a phone]'' I know just Hugh to call! ''[laughs]'' Get it?
:''[The girls start fighting over who should call him.]''
:'''Lana''': I'm calling Hugh!
:'''Lola''': No, me!
:'''Lori''': I'm calling Hugh!
:'''Lincoln''': I don't get it. I thought I knew all the answers. ''[sighs]'' Ms. DiMartino is definitely gonna flunk me now.
:''[The girls stop fighting.]''
:'''Lynn''': Wait. Ms. DiMartino?
:'''Lincoln''': Yeah. She's been our substitute teacher since Mrs. Johnson broke her leg riding a mechanical bull.
:'''Luna''': Dude, no wonder you're failing. Ms. D is so smokin', guys go completely bonkers around her.
:'''Lori''': Yeah. Even Bobby nearly flunked because of her. Of course, that was BL: Before Lori. ''[grimly]'' Or he never would have noticed her.
:'''Lincoln''': But that couldn't happen to me! ''[thinking]'' Could it?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': ''[realizes]'' Holy shmoly! You guys are right! I do go completely bonkers around Ms. DiMartino, just like you guys did around Hugh!
:''[The girls are all wearing Hugh sweaters.]''
:'''Leni''': I don't know why you keep saying that. By the way, if Hugh and I ever got married and had a baby, here's what it would look like. ''[shows an online baby picture she made]''
:'''Lisa''': Oh, Leni, you're delusional. Because I'm gonna marry him, and our progeny is gonna look like this. ''[shows her online baby]''
:''[The girls start fighting again, this time over who will marry Hugh.]''
:'''Lincoln''': Guys, you gotta help me! I don't wanna flunk fifth grade! Clyde could end up as a tattooed litterbug!
:'''James and Dexter''': EVERYONE! SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:''[Again, the girls stop fighting, when James and Dexter yell at them. And puzzled by what Lincoln said.]''
:'''Lincoln''': It made sense when he said it.
:'''Luan''': Maybe you can get Ms. DiMartino to let you retake the test.
:'''Lincoln''': But as long as she's anywhere near me, I'm still gonna blow it!
:'''Lisa''': Well then, the solution would be to remove her from your field of vision. Observe. ''[she takes Lori's phone with Hugh's pic]'' Lori, what is Bobby's full name?
:'''Lori''': Roberto Alejandro Martinez- ''[shown the pic and fawns]'' Roberto Alejandro- ''[shown the pic and fawns again]'' Roberto- ''[shown and fawning again]''
:'''Lisa''': And now to delete.
:'''Leni, Luna, Luan, Lynn, Lucy, Lana, and Lola''': NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
:''[Lisa deletes the Hugh image which is now replaced with a picture of Lori taking a duckface selfie.]''
:'''Lori''': ''[shakes her head and comes to her senses.]'' Roberto Alejandro Martinez-Millan Luis Santiago, Jr.
:'''Lisa''': Case closed.

===''Homespun (26.2)''===
:'''Lori''': AAH! DANG IT!
:''[In the kitchen, Lincoln is taking out the trash when he hears Lori scream]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[to the viewers]'' Sounds like someone got trapped in the bathroom again.
:''[Inside the bathroom, Lori, wearing a bathrobe and towel on her head, is holding the doorknob to the bathroom door, which just broke off; She growls at this]''
:'''Lori''': Somebody let me out! Bobby's coming over to study, and I only have three hours to get ready! ''[Lori struggles to open the bathroom door, when suddenly, she slips; She grabs hold of the shower curtain, but it rips off; The pole holding the curtain bonks Lori on the head; Lori growls even louder at this string of events]'' THIS HOUSE IS LITERALLY FALLING APART!!!
:'''Lincoln''': ''[to the viewers]'' Lori's right. With 11 kids, four pets... and two parents who insist on fixing everything themselves, our house is a bit of a, how do I put this nicely, disaster.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot; /&gt;
:'''Lynn Sr.''': All right, everyone, back inside.
:''[Lynn Sr. attempts to open the door, only for the door handle to break off]''
:'''Loud Family''': Dang it!

[[Category:The Loud House seasons]]</text>
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    <title>The Loud House/Season 2</title>
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:'''Seasons:'''  [[The Loud House/Season 1|1]] [[The Loud House/Season 2|2]] [[The Loud House/Season 3|3]] [[The Loud House/Season 4|4]] [[The Loud House/Season 5|5]] [[The Loud House/Season 6|6]] | [[The Loud House|Main]]
----

'''''{{w|The Loud House}}''''' (2016–present) is an American [[w:animated television series|animated television series]] created by [[w:Chris Savino|Chris Savino]] for [[w:Nickelodeon|Nickelodeon]]. The series revolves around the chaotic everyday life of young Lincoln Loud, who survives as the middle child and only son in a large family of 11 children.

==''11 Louds a Leapin' (Episode 1)''==
:'''Lori''': I can't help it. The sound of the paper tearing, the smell of the tape, that moment when you stick the bow in your hair. ''[tackles Luan]'' Gimme that!
:'''Luan''': You gotta kick this habit, Lori. We don't want a repeat of last year.
''[flashback of the previous Christmas: Lori is caught unwrapping the presents]''
:'''Lori''': Ha-ha, you guys got some great stuff!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': Merry Christmas, Mr. Grouse.
:'''Lana''': We all chipped in and got you something.
:''[Lincoln gives him the present and Mr. Grouse opens it]''
:'''Lynn''': It's a bus ticket.
:'''Luan''': So you can go see your family for Christmas tomorrow.
:'''Rita''': And since you can't be with them tonight, ''[she and Lynn Sr. finally reveal their faces]'' we're bringing our family to you.
:'''Lynn Sr.''': How 'bout it, neighbor?

==Episode 2==
===''Intern for the Worse (2.1)''===
:'''Flip''': ''[cleaning a car windshield]'' See, boys? Across and down! That's the technique. [hands the cleaning brush to Lincoln.] Now it's  my guest.:' ''Lincoln'' : But we're out of car washers; should I go in the dealer and get some?
:'''Flip''': You kidding' me, that stuff costs $9 a gallon! Here. ''[wipes his eyebrows with the brush and squeezes the sweat into the bucket]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mick''': Yeah, yeah. Can you hold my dog, Luna? I gotta take a wicked dump!
:'''Luna''': No, Mick. You cannot go number two until we are number one.
:''[Mick's stomach gurgles]''

===''The Bold and the Restless (2.2)''===
:''[Scoots glugging from the pudding dispenser]''
:'''Sue''': ''[blows whistle]'' I expressly said no donuts!
:'''Scoots''': You'll never catch me, maggot!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': ''[rushes to a tree]'' Pop-Pop!
:'''Pop-Pop''': ''[fart]'' Whoops! Guess I had too much chili. Sorry, kiddo. I think I overdid it a little today.
:'''Lincoln''': That's okay, Pop-Pop. If we hurry, we can still get you back in time. Hold on. ''[proceeds to get him down]''

==Episode 3==
===''Baby Steps (3.1)''===
:'''Clyde''': Wow. You didn't even need a cookie.
:'''Lily''': Cookie?
:'''Lincoln''': ''[gives Lily one]'' Sometimes it's safer to spell.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': ''[seeing Clyde runs away from his younger sisters]'' Clyde! What happened?
:'''Clyde''': ''[opens the door only to run into Lori]'' L-L-Lori? ''[gets a nosebleed and passes out]''
:'''Lori''': Whatever.
:'''Tuba''': ''[grabs Lori by the neck]'' NO!! Just stop!
===''Mall in the Family (3.2)''===
:'''Luna''': Lori had the dress first! She told me the whole story last night!
:'''Luan''': Well, Leni told me her side, and she clearly had the dress first!
:'''Luna''': Ha! That's funnier than most of your lame jokes!
:'''Luan''': Oh, I'm sorry I couldn't hear you! I've gone partially deaf from your horrible guitar playing!
:'''Kevin the Purple Cube''': I'm gonna grab you stupid brunettes by the shirts and spin you both around til I throw you both out!
:''[Kevin grabs Luna and Luan by the shirts and spins them around then throws them out the house]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': Next time when Lynn says she needs a car tire when Lisa talks, or Lana says Lola snores like Grand-Grand, I am staying out of it.
:'''Lisa''': You said what now, Loud?! ''[spitting on her due to her lisp]''
:'''Lola''': Oh, I snore, do I? How can you hear me over all your sleepfarting?!

==Episode 4==
===''Suite and Sour (4.1)''===
:'''Lola''': We will not be fine! ''[picks up and looks at the spa pamphlet.]'' Look at this place, you guys! It's got a spa, eight different pools, and a business center! We are missing out on all of it!!!
:'''Lynn''': Yeah, and while Mom and Dad are living it up, we'll be sucking in cat hair at Aunt Ruth's!
:'''Luan''': ''[touches her nose]'' Ooh, I call dibs on not clipping her toenails!
:''[Everyone does the same, but Lincoln is the last to touch his nose.]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[realizing he forgot]'' Dang it!
:'''Lori''': We're just gonna have to convince Mom and Dad to take us with them.
:'''Lincoln''': I know just the thing.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[enraged]'' Ghost hunting?! Elevator breaking?! Pool wrecking?! What happened to &quot;You won't even know we're here?!&quot;
:'''Rita''': [angrily] You're all grounded to the room for the rest of the weekend. Your father and I would like to ''try'' to enjoy some relaxation time!

===''Back in Black (4.2)''===
:'''Lori''': Lola! Did you take my Red Riot lipstick again?!
:'''Lola''': No, but someone took my perfume; I bet it was Leni!
:'''Leni''': Was not, but I'd like to know who took my pink [[wikipedia:Chiffon (fabric)|chiffon]] dress, Lori! ''[she, Lori, , and Lola argue]''
:'''Lola''': Hang on, I smell my perfume! ''[to Lynn and Lucy's room]'' Lynn? Ya better not be using my perfume to cover the stink of your hockey pads!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lincoln and Rocky are fixing the Solar System project]''
:'''Rusty''': So, the dog did this?!
:'''Lincoln''': Uh, yup, Bad Charles! ''[Charles whimpers and drags his butt across the carpet in frustration]''
==Episode 5==
===''Making the Grade (5.1)''===
:'''Lincoln''': Lisa, I think you're officially part of the gang.
:'''Assistant''': McBride, Principal Huggins will see you next.
:'''Clyde''': He doesn't scare me. ''[steps in confidently, but then begins pleading sorrowfully]'' I'm so sorry! Please don't put this on my record!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lisa''': What about the gang and being part of it?
:'''Lincoln''': I'd rather be the one to suffer than a classroom full of kids with strep throat. Man, I can't have that on my conscience.
:'''Lisa''': Okay. But if I go back to being smart Lisa, you're getting the whole package, i.e., unabashed superiority and zero tolerance for ignoramuses. It'll probably be back to the sticky table for you.
:'''Lincoln''': That's a chance I'm willing to take.
:'''Lisa''': You're a good man, Lincoln Loud. As Socrates once quipped-- ''[gets squirted again]'' Yak! Ah, to heck with this thing! ''[takes the collar off and tosses it aside]''
===''Vantastic Voyage (5.2)''===
:'''Lana''': &quot;Lola and I have been working on a new song. It's called &quot;Happiness is a New Van&quot;.&quot;
:'''Lincoln''': ''[whispers to them and pouts]'' Can it. He already said yes.
:'''Lola''': ''[ignoring him]'' &quot;We've been practicing for four hours! ''[punishes him]'' SIT DOWN! ''[Lincoln, feeling scared, complies. The twins dance to a beat while Lincoln gets sit down as punishment for asking her a question.]'' And a one, a two, a one, two, three, four! ''[Scene ends before the song starts]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lucy''': Hey, Dad, we made Piz-zilla. Pizza shaped like Vanzilla.
:'''Lynn''': Brings back some memories, doesn't it?
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[is about to eat his pizza when the toppings fall off]'' It sure does. Everything's fallen off it just like Vanzilla. ''[chuckles]'' Glad that heap's gone.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lynn Sr and Rita are heading home in Vanzilla]''
:'''Rita''': Thanks for giving up Veronica, dear. I know it was a big sacrifice.
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Pttf! Veronica who? ''[he and Rita laugh]'' I'm just glad we can all be together in Vanzilla again.
:'''Lincoln''': ''[offscreen]'' We are too, ''[camera cuts to reveal that Sienna is once again being pushed by the siblings, except for Lola who is still practicing her pageant waves]'' even if we're not actually ''in'' Vanzilla!

==Episode 6==
===''Patching Things Up (6.1)''===
:'''Scout Leader''': Now for the Primitive Survival patch; to earn it you must dig a bag!
:'''Lola''': That sounds French- a bag: what is it?
:'''Lana''': It's a hole ya look in!
:''[Lola screams in horror so loud birds are scared away]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lana''': ''[belches]'' (eating a sandwich) You know. sometimes you just gotta step out of your comfort zone.
:'''Lola''': I'm already out of my comfort zone! I am eating without a tablecloth!
:'''Scout Leader''': Bluebell scouts are prepared for any kind of weather. So I'll give you a forecast ''(opens up a trunk of different outfits while Lola is in happy shock)'' and you'll have to put on a proper attire.

===''Cheater by the Dozen (6.2)''===
:'''Pam''': Why don't you slip out of those clothes, and we'll get started.
:''[Bobby starts to take off his clothes and the boys gasp at that]''
:'''Clyde''': ''[covering his eyes]'' I'm not allowed to watch R-rated movies!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lisa''': I rigged audio surveillance, but a vicious beast prevented me from installing visuals. ''[Flashback: Lisa runs away from said vicious beast]'' Ah, large wild animal! ''[said beast turns out to be a small cat]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Giovanni''': Ahem! ''[not happy from hearing about what happened to his meal]'' I hate to break up this lovefest, but how do you intend to pay for my linguini dim sum?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Later, Lori and Bobby are dancing together. Lincoln and Clyde are seen working in the kitchen to pay off the mess as punishment for ruining his meal, with Giovanni outside the kitchen instructing orders.]''
:'''Giovanni''': Hurry up with those kung pao anchovies!
:'''Clyde''': Well, at least all that working out won't go to waste.
:''[He struggles to open a jar of anchovies and Lincoln takes it and opens it himself, showing Clyde was turning the lid the wrong way.]''
:'''Lincoln''': [sympathizing] You loosened it.
:''[The jar opens up and some stinky yucky anchovies appear.]''
:'''Lincoln and Clyde''': [grossed out] UGH!!!

==Episode 7==
===''Lock 'n' Loud (7.1)''===
:'''Mr. Grouse''': ''[off-screen]'' Help! Help! I've been robbed! ''[the Loud kids rush in]''
:'''Lincoln''': Mr. Grouse, what happened?
:'''Mr. Grouse''': They cleaned me out! My [[wikipedia:polka|polka]] records! My black and white TV! My encyclopedias! All gone! ''[runs back inside]''
:'''Lori''': I literally don't know what any of those things are.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Grouse''': ''[his swollen face above the window]'' Hey, Loud, these muffins got walnuts in 'em! Next time ya want to pay me off for pretending to be robbed, how about giving me something I'm not allergic to?
:'''Lincoln''': Pretending to be robbed?!
:''[The Loud kids and Rita angrily scold Lynn Sr. for lying]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[sighs]'' I'm sorry, everyone. I was trying to teach to lock the dang door. I just want to protect my most important valuables: you guys.
:'''Loud kids and Rita''': ''[they all hug Lynn Sr.]''

===''The Whole Picture (7.2)''===
:'''Lincoln''': Dad! Do we have the cloud?
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Well, of course we do, Lincoln. ''[Lincoln sighs with relief]'' We also have the sky and the sun and the moon...
:'''Lincoln''': No, I mean the digital cloud, where you store stuff from your computer.
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Oh, that cloud! No.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rusty''': ''[dressed as Lucy]'' Wassup, playas? Lucy Loud is in da house!
:'''Clyde''': ''[dressed as Luan]'' Rusty, a little acting tip: Lucy would never say that.
:'''Rusty''': You just worry about your Lola.
:'''Clyde''': ''[annoyed]'' I'm Luan! Did you at all prepare for this?!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Soon, Lincoln and Clyde are passed out on the ground from all those photos they took and the sisters arrive back home from the mall.]''
:'''Sisters''': &quot;LINCOLN?!&quot;
:'''Lori''': &quot;What are you doing with all our stuff?&quot;
:'''Lola''': [notices and gasps] &quot;That tiara is never supposed to touch the ground!&quot;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lincoln has uploaded a photo of his sisters hugging him to the cloud.]''
:'''Lincoln''': Perfect start to the new Lincoln Library: now with [[wikipedia:Cloud computing|cloud backup]].
:'''Lori''': ''[off-screen with anger]'' WHO USED ALL MY LIPSTICK?!
:''[Clyde smiles guiltily.]''

==Episode 8==
===''No Such Luck (8.1)''===
:'''Lincoln''': ''[dancing]'' Who's unlucky? I'm unlucky! Who's unlucky? I'm unlucky!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Louds congratulate Lynn for her victory, and Lincoln joins them dressed in a squirrel costume.]''
:'''Lola''': Um, do you mind, Fur Ball? This is a family moment.
:'''Lincoln''': Guys, it's me! ''[takes the mask off]'' I was here the whole time! This proves it: I'm not bad luck!
:'''Lynn''': Oh my gosh, you're right. Wow, Lincoln, I'm really sorry.
:''[The rest of the family apologizes to Lincoln for hurting his feelings.]''
:'''Rita''': Sorry we sold all your furniture.
:'''Lincoln''': Wait, what?!

===''Frog Wild (8.2)''===
:''[Lincoln and Lana try to yank the lock open with a key]''
:'''Lana''': We have a problem. It's a surface mounted deadbolt with a tumbler locking mechanism.
:'''Lincoln''': In English, please?
:'''Lana''': We'll have to find another way in.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Johnson''': Come on, people, I'm giving you comedy gold here!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[predators start targeting the lab frogs]''
:'''Lincoln''': Do you wanna be today's lunch special? Move! ''[the frogs won't move]'' Why aren't they moving?!
:'''Lana''': Maybe they don't know how to survive in the wild!

==Episode 9==
===''Kick the Bucket List (9.1)''===
:'''Lincoln''': ''So, what'd ya cut?''
:'''Clyde''': ''[chuckles nervously]'' ''Um...nothing. I actually added an activity.''
:'''Lincoln''': ''Well, you did better than me. I added two.''
:''[They laugh]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''This is gonna be the most awesome and rad day ever!''
:'''Rita''': ''Just make sure you're home before the streetlights come on; tomorrow's a school day.''
:'''Lincoln''': ''No problem, Mom.''
:'''Clyde''': ''[checks his watch]'' ''Hmm...that gives us eight hours. Think we'll be able to get all this done?''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[determined]'' ''Clyde, we have to! Though we'll need to do more stretching.''
:''[They crouch and sprain something]''
:'''Lincoln and Clyde''': ''OW!''
:'''Lincoln''': ''One's good.''
:''[They waddle away to start their list.]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Clyde''': ''[gives a girl a Pizza Box with Lincoln's face]'' Hey, here you go. I know what it's like to need a friend. &quot;Nice to meet ya!&quot; ''[leaves the box with the girl, who is confused]''
===''Party Down (9.2)''===
:''[Lisa and Lily are drinking from the chocolate fountain]''
:'''Lisa''': Oh, mama! This [[wikipedia:Theobroma cacao|''theobroma cacao'']], street name: chocolate, is working wonders on my [[wikipedia:serotonin|serotonin]] levels!
:'''Lily''': ''[pouring some into her bottle]'' Goo-goo!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lori''': ''[rips Lincoln's mustache off his face]'' Lincoln! I told you, you're ''not'' invited!
:'''Lincoln''': But my tricks are killing!
:'''Lori''': I'm ''trying'' to throw a sophisticated party, and you're literally waving around your underwear! Now…SCRAM!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leni''': I am totally posting this. ''[posts a photo of Lori with chocolate; Lori's friends get the post and smile; Later, a doorbell rings, and Lori answers it]''
:'''Becky''': Yeah, my mom's toe, it's all better.

==Episode 10==
===''Fed Up (10.1)''===
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Guys? Everything okay in there?
:''[the kids stop fighting]''
:'''Leni''': Like, awesome!
:'''Lana''': Super!
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Good! Your mom and I are getting hungry for dinner! Hope you're almost ready to fork it over!

===''Shell Shock (10.2)''===
:'''Clyde''': So what should we call her? Any family names you'd like to honor?
:'''Penelope''': I was thinking we could combine our names. Clyde and Penelope make...
:'''Clyde''': [[wikipedia:Calliope|Calliope]]!
:'''Penelope''': ''[gasps]'' Perfect!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': ''[in lifeguard outfit]'' Off to save some lives!
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[with his pizza boy shirt]'' Bobby! The pool closed in September! You're delivering pizzas tonight! ''[goes after him]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[suspicious on seeing Rochelle/Toby in the box nest]'' Wait. What's this? Lincoln, what's going on here?
:'''Lincoln''': I can explain. See, I gave you a ''fake'' egg.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Why would you do that?
:'''Lincoln''': Because you're, well, Ronnie Anne.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': What's ''that'' supposed to mean?
:'''Lincoln''': Well, I thought you couldn't be trusted with the ''real'' one because, you're not exactly the most careful and nurturing type, but-
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[shocked and stomps her foot on the ground, angrily interrupting]'' So ''that's'' what you think of me?! That I'm such a monster I can't be left alone with an egg?! ''[stomps her foot again]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[backs up nervously to the table]'' No, no, no. When I saw you with your family, I realized I totally had you all wrong, and- ''[hits the table with his head]'' Oof!
:''[The crash causes Rochelle/Toby to fly up into the air and shatter on the floor, ruining their project]''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': I guess none of that matters anymore. ''[annoyed]'' Thanks a lot, Lincoln. Now we're gonna fail!
:'''Lincoln''': Ronnie Anne, I-
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Just get out of my house!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Penelope''': I know he's your best friend, Clyde. But I don't want him to be Calliope's godfather.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[answers the door and spots a basket with a note attached to it on the doorstep; reads the note]'' '''&quot;Please take care of me. Signed, Toby Rochelle II.&quot;''' ''[spots Lincoln hiding in the bush and drops the note in the basket]'' I know you're there, weirdo.
:'''Lincoln''': ''[pops out nervously]'' Oh, uh…hi.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': What's with the egg? We're done. We failed.
:'''Lincoln''': Well, after I left your house yesterday, I went to talk to Mrs. Johnson. ''[Flashback to yesterday, talking to Mrs. Johnson about what happened]'' So, it was ''my'' fault the egg broke. I thought I knew who Ronnie Anne was, but it turns out, I didn't know anything about her. She's really responsible and caring, and she deserves a second chance. ''[drops his head in sorrow]''
:'''Mrs. Johnson''': ''[thinks for a second]'' All right, Lincoln. I'll give her another shot.
:'''Lincoln''': ''[relieved]'' That's awesome! Thanks, Mrs. Johnson.
:'''Mrs. Johnson''': And you, too.
:'''Lincoln''': ''[surprised]'' Really?
:'''Mrs. Johnson''': I think you just figured out what this assignment is all about.
:''[Flashback ends]''
:'''Lincoln''': She didn't let me off the hook completely. I don't get the waffle breakfast, but that's okay. Because all I care about now is putting our family back together.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[touched]'' Thanks, Lincoln. I appreciate it. ''[nudges him]''
:'''Lincoln''': Ow!
:'''Ronnie Anne''': But don't get too mushy on me.

==Episode 11==
===''Pulp Friction (11.1)''===
:''[Scoots blocks Vanzilla's path]''
:'''Lola''': Move it, lady!
:'''Scoots''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, am I going too slow for you? ''[sets her scooter in slow reverse.]''
:''[Scoots' evil grinning as she delays the kids and move backward even more to prevent them from reaching Principal Huggins]''.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lola''': Hey, what did you think of the Queen of Diamonds? Wasn't she your favorite part? Here! Let me show you some of my ideas for an action figure and a bed sheet set.
:'''Bill''': ''[seeing the kids gathering to talk to him about the comic]'' Whoa! This is kind of a... [[wikt:full house|full house]]!

===''Pets Peeved (11.2)''===

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Back at the Loud House, the kids are worried about their missing pets. Lana's holding up a poster she made.]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[hanging up; downtrodden]'' Well, Clyde hasn't seen them.
:'''Lori''': Neither has Bobby. Come on. We have to go look for them! Everyone, bring your posters!
:'''Lana''': ''[sniffs, forlorn, heartbroken]'' I don't know what I'm gonna do if we don't find them! ''[cries and hugs Luna for comfort.]''
:'''Lisa''': ''[on the verge of tears and sadness]'' Whilst I normally view animals as mere test subjects, those little guys are family! ''[starts crying]''
:''[The kids all start crying and feel guilty for not getting their four pets' attention, except for Lana and Charles barks to them.]''
:'''Lincoln''': Sometimes, I can still hear them.
:''[The kids go back to crying, except for Lana and Charles barks to them again.]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[stops crying with his sisters and realizes...]'' Wait!
:''[The kids happily turn around and see their pets and the little dog back home and cheer for their return and grab their pets with lots of love and apologizing them for not getting their attention while the little dog is ignored.]''
:'''Lana''': ''[to the dog]'' You, too, new puppy! Get in here! You're part of our family, too.
:''[The puppy comes to join four pets into their arms.]''
:'''Loud Kids''': YOU'RE AN OFFICIAL LOUD!!
:''[The doorbell then rings. Lincoln answers it and it's a little girl at the door.]''
:'''Clare''': Hi. My name's Clare. I'm looking for my dog. He slipped out of his collar, and- ''[notices]'' Watterson! ''[walks up to the little puppy.]'' There you are! ''[Lana gives Watterson to her.]'' I've missed you. Oh, how I've missed you. ''[to the Loud sisters]'' He's my best friend in the whole wide world. Thank you for taking care of him.
:'''Lori''': It was literally our pleasure.
:'''Luna''': ''[upset]'' Aw. Looks like you're going home, little dude. ''[kisses his butt]''
:'''Lana''': Uh, Luna, that's his butt. ''[Luna stops kissing it]'' Bye, Watterson. ''[turns him around]'' I'm sorry you won't be a Loud, but I'm glad your friend found you. ''[tearfully hugs him]''
:'''Clare''': Come on, Watterson. Time to get you home. ''[prepares to leave]''
:'''Loud Sisters''': Bye!
:'''Luna''': We'll miss you!
:'''Leni''': Love you!
:''[The pets are sad that Watterson is leaving, but he hops out of Clare's arms and gives them each a friendly lick goodbye with Geo's lick rolling his ball away.]''
:'''Clare''': Come on, Watterson! Come on, boy!
:''[Watterson goes to Clare and the two of them leave.]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[to the pets]'' We're so glad you're home. How about we all go to the kitchen for a nice big treat?
:''[The pets sprint to the kitchen where Lincoln gives them each a treat for them as an apology for what happened earlier.]''
:'''Lisa''': ''[off-screen]'' DOES ANYONE KNOW WHY MY SLIDE PROJECTOR WAS IN CHARLES' DOGHOUSE?!
:''[The pets worriedly look at each other over that little detail they forgot as the episode irises out on all four of them.]''

==Episode 12==
===''Potty Mouth (12.1)''===
:'''Lori''': Ew. Well, someone's gonna have to change her.
:'''Leni''': ''[plugs her nose]'' &quot;DIBS, NOT IT!
:'''Other Sisters''': ''[touch their noses]'' &quot;DIBS, NOT IT!&quot;
:'''Lincoln''': ''[touches his nose and realizes he was last once again]'' Dang it! I always lose that! ''[walks over to Lisa and grabs her]'' Sorry, Dr. S. I'll take care of it. Aren't you a little cutie-wutie? Did Lily-Wily make a poo-poo in her diapey-diapey? ''[now angry]'' Lisa, what the heck, man?
:'''Lisa''': I was instructed to act like a one-year-old. Ergo, I did. There's just no pleasing you people.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Luan''': It turns out, we had nothin' to worry about. We're not such a bad influence on Lily after all!
:''[everyone cheers before Charles steals Lily's doughnut]''
:'''Lily''': ''[bleep]''!
:''[everyone gasps in sheer shock]''

===''L is for Love (12.2)''===
:''[At the cemetery at night, the boy Lucy met is sitting on the stone wall]''
:'''Silas''': Sigh
:''[Lucy suddenly appears right next to him and he slips and falls upon her appearance]''
:'''Lucy''': Ah, the futility of life. Am I right, Silas?
:''[Silas groans in pain. Cut to the mall where Chaz is putting mannequins in the display window. Leni is acting like a mannequin till Chaz comes to put her on display]''
:'''Leni''': Hi.
:''[Chaz flails and crashes into the mannequins. Leni winks at him. Switch to Ms. Shrinivas's classroom where all the kids are taking their naps. A shadow looms over the boy Lisa likes, and it happens to be Lisa]''
:'''Lisa''': Based upon the fluttering of your gorgeous eyelids, you must have had quite a REM cycle.
:''[The boy falls out of his cot in a fright and Lisa winks at him. At Lynn's next game, she throws the ball at the boy she likes who is batting right into his arm and winks at him. At the arcade, the girl Lincoln likes is playing Dance Battle]''
:'''Lincoln''': Nice moves, Paige! ''[couldn't hear him and still got distracted with the arcade game]'' I said, nice move-
:''[Paige accidentally kicks him, hears him crash, shrugs it off, and keeps playing. Meanwhile, in Lily's room, Lily crawls up to her teddy bear, winks at and hugs it.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lola''': ''[Wearing a big brunette wig]'' Me three!
:'''Lana''': ''[Taking off her twin's wig]'' Nice try, blonde

==''The Loudest Mission: Relative Chaos (Episode 13)''==
:''[Hector and Bobby run away from the cats]''
:'''Bobby''': So, the gang has cats?
:'''Hector''': The gang ''is'' cats!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ronnie Anne goes to sleep in the bathtub, but spots Sergio the parrot inside]''
:'''Sergio''': I'm naked!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': I still don't get why ''I'' have to come along.
:'''Lori''': ''[rioting]'' BECAUSE RONNIE ANNE'S YOUR GIRLFRIEND!!!
:'''Lincoln''': She is ''NOT'' my girlfriend!
:'''Lori''': Lincoln, we are literally crossing a bridge! Do you really want to get into an argument with me '''RIGHT NOW?!?'''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ronnie Anne''': What do you mean you didn't convince him?
:'''Lori''': He talked about the bodega for 40 minutes until the beef jerky guy showed up and at that point I had literally reached my limit.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[sighs and thinks]'' We need to do something to get Bobby's attention.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': ''[while being dragged by Lori]'' We're leaving? But Mrs. Casagrande's baking a cake!
:'''Lori''': ''[heartbroken]'' Lincoln, I literally just lost my boyfriend!
:'''Lori''': ''[angrily]'' Do you really wanna argue with me right now?!
:'''Bobby''': ''[appearing]'' Babe, where are you going?
:'''Lori''': ''[furious]'' What do you care?! Why don't you just go back to your precious bodega?! YOU OBVIOUSLY CARE ABOUT IT MORE THAN YOU CARE ME! ''[starts sobbing]''
:'''Lincoln''': I'm just gonna go help Mrs. Casagrande with the frosting. ''[chuckles and rushes back inside the apartment]''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Lincoln, what's happening out there?
:'''Lincoln''': I don't know. But it was too much drama for me.
:'''Ronnie Anne''':  Wait a minute. They're hugging, and Lori's smiling. She must have finally convinced him! Yes! ''[runs over to Lori and hugs her, moments later]'' Thank you, thank you, thank you! I knew we could do this. I'll go pack up my stuff.
:'''Lori''': Uh, actually…
:'''Ronnie Anne''': What?
:'''Lori''': I know I came here to convince Bobby not to move, but after talking to him, I think he should stay.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Well, that's great for you guys, but what about me?! Lincoln, come on! Help me out here!
:'''Lincoln''': I don't know, Ronnie Anne. I think your family's ''pretty'' awesome. I mean, who can make a cake like this?

==Episode 14==
===''Out of the Picture (14.1)''===
:'''Lincoln and Clyde''': Morticians Club! We're in!
:'''Lucy''': No you're not. You guys are not part of this club.
:'''Haiku''': Hold on, Lucy. We can always use some more bodies.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': ''[picks up what Lola dropped]'' ''Coach Pacowski: A Man With Many Secrets''. What's this?
:'''Lola''': That was in case the muffins didn't work. ''[takes it back]'' I'll just save this for the next time I wanna get out of Dodgeball.
===''Room with a Feud (14.2)''===
:'''Lincoln''': So, guess what? I gave my sisters the compatibility test, they changed rooms, and it's working like a dream! You hear how quiet it is?
:''[beat]''
:'''Lynn''': ''[off-screen]'' Dang it Lana!
:'''Lincoln''': Uh, probably just a little glitch. I'll call you back.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lisa''': Leni will be rooming with Lynn.
:'''Leni and Lynn''': Wait, why are we together? That doesn't make any sense! We don't even have anything in common!
==Episode 15==
===''Back Out There (15.1)''===
:''[The boys see Lincoln sitting on his bike, in front of the Santiago's old residence through binoculars behind the shrub]''
:'''Rusty''': Ronnie Anne's old house? ''This'' is where he's been coming every day?
:'''Zach''': Doesn't he know she moved?
:'''Clyde''': I think I know what's going on here. ''[the boys duck into the shrub]'' Lincoln's got a classic case of PBB.
:'''Zach''': Peanut Butter Breath?
:'''Clyde''': No.
:'''Rusty''': Pale Boy Bangs?
:'''Clyde''': No.
:'''Liam''': [[wikipedia:Polybrominated biphenyl|Polybrominated biphenyl]]s?
:'''Clyde''': No. Lincoln has PBB, or Post-Breakup Blues. The poor guy misses Ronnie Anne so much that he's coming here everyday to pine for her.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hattie''': Ya done seen this picture before? Oooh! I loves the part where the alien becomes human!
:''[the audience boos]''
:'''Lincoln''': Kinda a spoiler.
:'''Hattie''': That ain't nuttin'; turns out da ol' thing's just a dream!
:''[the audience complains about the spoiler]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Clyde''': ''[picks up Lincoln's phone as it vibrates]'' Huh. Lincoln must've dropped his phone. ''[sees who's calling]'' Ronnie Anne?! Ugh! Unbelievable! She's still tormenting him? I'll handle this. ''[answers the call]'' Hello, Ronnie Anne. This is Clyde, Lincoln's best friend.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': I know who you are, Clyde. Where's Lincoln?
:'''Clyde''': You need to leave him alone!
:'''Rusty''': Yeah! He needs space to get over you!
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Get over me?
:'''Zach''': Yeah, since you left, the poor guy's just been standing in front of your old house every day.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Yeah! Because I asked him to look out for a package that was sent to me there.
:'''Clyde''': How's that now? ''[in unison with Liam, Rusty, and Zach]'' Uh-oh.
:'''Rusty, Liam, and Zach''': ''[in unison with Clyde]'' Uh-oh.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''Did you guys do something stupid again?''
:'''Clyde''': We have to stop that bus!
:'''Rusty''': Snake formation! It'll cut down wind resistance!

===''Spell It Out (15.2)''===
:'''Rita''': Lori, honey, I'm sure it's not the end of the world.
:''[Lori with mascara-smudged tears shows her mom a voicemail]''
:'''Female voice''': What's with the silent treatment, Lori!? Do you think you're better than us?! Ugh! Whatever. Friendship? Over...
:'''Rita''': No worries. You can always hang out with your old mom. You can join my book club. ''[Lori covers her face with her pillow]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lucy''': ''[to Harriet's photo]'' Well, Great-Grandma Harriet, I guess this book of spells didn't work after all. ''[holds up a photo of her and her siblings]'' But that's okay. because I got a pretty magical result all the same. ''[she puts the photo of the Loud kids next to Harriet's. Just then, a lightning flash occurs, and the photo of Harriet mysteriously changes her expression from a frown to a smile]''
==Episode 16==
===''Fool's Paradise (16.1)''===
:'''Family''': ''[touching their noses]'' DIBS NOT!
:''[Leni realizes she put her finger in her ear instead of on her nose.]''
:'''Leni''': Dang it! I always do it wrong.
:''[She opens the door and gets knocked back by an instantly inflating clown prop that sends her flying into the sign now with flypaper, trapping her on it, where she sees neon lights that form Luan laughing at her as her family gasps.]''
:'''Leni''': You guys go on without me! I'd rather be stuck up here than get pranked by Luan!
:''[Of course, she had just been tricked, trapped on a sign. [[wikipedia:Flypaper|flypaper]].]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Luan''': ''[up in the air in the poncho]'' Clap! Clap! Clap! Well done, family, you got me! You may have won this time, but next year, I'm gonna stop going easy on you and give you all an April Fool's you'll never forget, especially you, Dad! ''[laughs evilly]''
:'''Lynn Sr''': ''[horrified]'' WHAT HAVE I DONE?!
:''[The rest of the family runs away screaming in terror as Luan keeps laughing.]''

===''Job Insecurity (16.2)''===
:'''Lincoln''': Sir, please give our dad his job back! This was all a misunderstanding!
:'''Sergei''': ''[mad]'' What is there to misunderstanding?! First I get the rudest call of my life, then I have no one to help with the breakfast rush! So my answer is [[wikt:nyet|nyet]]!
:'''Leni''': ''[claps]'' Yay!
:'''Red Hemka''': ''[punches Leni's face]'' Hey, knock it off! I'm starving!
:'''Lisa''': Nyet means &quot;no&quot;.
:'''Leni''': ''[downtrodden]'' Aw!
:'''Red Hemka''': ''[lividly grabs Leni by the dress, about to force her on the ground]'' ''I TOLD YOU TO KNOCK IT OFF!!!!!!!!!!!''
:'''Mr. Grumpy''': ''[to Red Hemka]'' ''Save your energy!''
:'''Lynn''': Please don't punish our dad. This was ''our'' fault.
:'''Lori''': Yeah. We're always messing up.
:'''Lincoln''': All we do is make his life worse.
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Whoa, whoa, kids, what are you talking about? You make my life better every day. This is just a job. Don't worry. I can find another one.
:''[The kids smile and hug their dad. Sergei, touched, gets tears in his eyes.]''
:'''Sergei''': I can't say [[wikt:nyet|nyet]] to a man with such a nice family. You get your job back!

==Episode 17==
===''ARGGH! You for Real? (17.1)''===
:''[the crowd cheers for Hunter Spector's success]''
:'''Tall Burly Man''': ''[cleaning his ear]'' What was that? I want to play Minecraft!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Clyde's dads leave Clyde's room and cheer]''
:'''Harold''': Oh, our son is back! ''[notices his husband making an elated face]'' Howie, don't make that face; it'll freeze that way.

===''Garage Banned (17.2)''===
:'''Luan''': Dang it, Luna! Your fog machine warped Mr. Coconuts' head! ''[shows her dummy's disfigured head]''
:'''Luna''': Can't prove it, dude!
:'''Luan''': Lincoln, tell her she has to pay to get him fixed!
:'''Lincoln''': Um...okay. Luna, I think Luan has a point. You should pay up.
:'''Luna''': ''[threatens him]'' You wanna think again, brah?
:'''Lincoln''': Yes, I do. Luan, I think you should accept that fog machines are a part of life.
:'''Luan''': ''[as the facially disfigured Mr. Coconuts]'' I wouldn't be too hasty, Slick! My cousin's a baseball bat!
:'''Lincoln''': ''[dismayed]'' I wish Lori was here. She always has the right solution.
==Episode 18==
===''Change of Heart (18.1)''===
:'''Leni''': ''[as Lori]'' OMG! Bobby! Texting! Literally!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Clyde, acting like a robot, knocks over Mr. Grouse's trash cans]''
:'''Mr. Grouse''': Why you lousy-- Ooh. Alabama, Arizona, Arkansas... ''[end of episode]''
===''Health Kicked (18.2)''===
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lynn Sr.''': You kids must be famished! It's grub time! ''[the kids suggest pizza, fries, and cheeseburgers]''
:'''Lucy''': [[wikipedia:Blood orange|Blood oranges]].
:'''Lynn Sr.''': No, I mean actual grubs. ''[shows a plate of such insects]''
:'''non-Lana kids''': Eww!
:'''Lana''': Ooh!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rita''': Honey, I thought we agreed to take it easier.
:'''Lynn Sr.''': But the Ice Cream Truck is getting away!
:'''Loud Family''': Ah! ''[chasing the Ice Cream Truck]'' Ice Cream!

==Episode 19==
===''Future Tense (19.1)''===
:'''Beau''': Will you guys take me to my gallery opening tonight?
:'''Jancey''': Of course, Beau!
:'''Beau''': [[wikt:고맙다|Gomawoyo]]! ''[the Loud parents are confused]''
:'''Jancey''': He's in a Korean-English immersion program.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lola is dropped off at a soup kitchen.]''
:'''Rita''': Volunteering at a soup kitchen will look great on your résumé.
:'''Lola''': ''[furious]'' You know what won't look great? Me in a hairnet!
:''[Lana is dropped off at Finishing School.]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Finishing School will teach you some valuable social graces.
:'''Lana''': I've got social graces up the wazoo! ''[belches]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[nervous]'' Where am I going, the police station? Military school?
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Nope, you're going home, to read comics.
:'''Lincoln''': ''[delighted]'' I knew I was your favorite!

===''Lynner Takes All (19.2)''===
:'''Lynn''': ''[slams her cards on the table]'' Boom! Welcome to Losertown! Population: you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you! ''[she says as she points to her siblings individually]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lincoln and her non-Lynn sisters are riding in Vanzilla for some peace and quiet]''
:'''Luna''': Ah. This is sweet, right dudes? ''[the others agree]''
:'''Luan''': I really need a break from her.
:'''Lynn''': ''[biking faster than Vanzilla]'' Come on, Lynn! Push it! Push it! Dig deep! Yeah! You lose! Eat my dust! ''[her siblings groan]''
==Episode 20==
===''Yes Man (20.1)''===
:'''Leni''': ''[screams with her eyes still crossed]'' Lori! I think my eyes are stuck.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': Wait a minute! You might be onto something. Everything I told you guys to do worked. Luna, can I borrow your guitar?
:'''Luna''': You kiddin' me, dude? No way!
:'''Lincoln''': ''[frustrated]'' Ahh! I can't convince anyone of anything!
:'''Luna''': I'm just messin' with ya, bro. ''[hands him the guitar as he softly chuckles]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rita''': &quot;Lincoln, it doesn't matter how you ask us, the answer is no.&quot;
:'''Lynn Sr.''': &quot;We'd love to get you the ticket, but we're out of money. We gave it all to your sisters.&quot;
:'''Rita''': &quot;Maybe if you'd asked us earlier in the day.&quot;
:''[Lincoln was heartbroken and his turkey tail droops. His sisters feel guilty and realize what they have done to their brother.]''

===''Friend or Faux? (20.2)''===
:'''Lisa''': ''[sees Lynn Sr. and Kotaro playing music]'' Observation #4: friendship requires common interests.
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Man, we are so good!
:'''Lisa''': Also, common delusions.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lisa''': Oh! I see we have a common interest in the ''[[wikipedia:Northern giraffe|giraffa camelopardalis]]''.
:'''Darcy''': Oh, you mean Rafo. You have a stuffed giraffe, too?
:'''Lisa''': No, but I have a giraffe cerebrum soaking in [[wikipedia:formaldehyde|formaldehyde]].
:'''Darcy''': ''[giggles]'' You use funny words, Lisa.

==Episode 21==
===''No Laughing Matter (21.1)''===
:''[Lynn is drinking a protein shake which Luan notices.]''
:'''Luan''': That looks gross.
:'''Lynn''': ''[spits in her face and laughs]'' Oh, my gosh, Luan! Zing! Ha ha!
:''[Luan looks annoyed. In the living room, Lincoln is drinking some water and watching TV. Luan joins him.]''
:'''Luan''': Hey, what are you watching?
:'''Lincoln''': ''[spits in her face and laughs]'' Oh, my gosh, Luan! Oh, wow. You are hilarious!
:''[Luan is annoyed again. In the bathroom, Luna is brushing her teeth when Luan enters.]''
:'''Luan''': Are you gonna be done in here soon?
:'''Luna''': ''[spits her toothpaste in her face and laughs]'' Dude! Done in here soon! Too much, man!
:''[Luan, angry, wipes the toothpaste from her face and walks out of the bathroom.]''
:'''Luan''': Alright! Everyone out here, now!
:''[Her siblings gather with big phony smiles on their faces.]''
:'''Luan''': I see what you guys are doing, and it's not going to work. I'm done with comedy.
:'''Leni''': ''[spits her soda on Luan]'' Done with comedy! Ha! Classic Luan!
:'''Luan''': Leni, knock it off!
:'''Leni''': ''[jubilant]'' Who's there?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': ''[carrying Luan's props downstairs]'' Guys! I think I've got the answer!
:'''Lucy''': No need. Lisa beat you to it.
:'''Lisa''': I've calibrated my time machine to send us back two minutes before Luan overheard us criticizing her.
:'''Lincoln''': That is pretty good.
:'''Lisa''': Small disclaimer: the journey may result in our butts being in front.
:'''Lori''': ''[to Lincoln]'' Lincoln, what's your plan?
:'''Lincoln''': Well, we can't convince Luan she's funny, right? But what if an audience can?
:'''Luna''': How's that gonna happen, dude?
:'''Lincoln''': Leave it to me. You just make sure she's at the Chortle Portal at 8:00. ''[leaves]''
:'''Lana''': ''[to Lisa]'' Can you still put my butt in front?

===''No Spoilers (21.2)''===
:'''Lori''': From now on how would you like to be our official party planner?
:'''Leni''': ''[claps excitedly]'' Yay! Thanks, you guys. ''[to her father]'' You hear that, Dad? I'm planning your surprise party next! But don't worry. I'll send you an invitation. 
:''[Everyone else facepalms from hearing Leni's big spoiler.]''
:'''Red Hemka''': ''[lividly punches Leni on the ground]'' '''GOOD JOB STUPID!!!!''' '''YOU LITERALLY SPOILED ANOTHER SURPRISE LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO!!!!!!!!!!!'''

==Episode 22==
===''Legends (22.1)''===
:'''Stan''': Lasagna, huh? We got on the show by winning five Buff Man competitions in a year.
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Well, congratulations to you both.
:'''Steak''': Yeah, get used to saying that, 'cuz we're gonna stomp your butts!
:'''Stan''': Yeah. You ever see a hammerhead go after a guppy? The shark just gets in there, ''[roaring and chomping]''!
:'''Steak''': Just to be clear, you're the guppy.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lynn Sr.''': What do you think those guys had for breakfast, Jerk Chicken?
:'''Lincoln''': Zing! Good one, Dad! ''[they laugh]''
===''Mall of Duty (22.2)''===
:''[They come back]''
:'''Lincoln''': Thanks again.
:'''Tough guy''': ''[stops the kids, revealing his rude nature]'' Excuse me? I've never seen you before! Of course, my eyes are pretty swollen from these hives, so...
:'''Lincoln''': I'm really sorry about that.
:''[Tough guy refuses to accept his apology]''
:'''Tough guy''': ''[angrily banishes Lincoln]'' Back of the line, pal!
:'''Lincoln''': But the line's, like, twice as long now!
:''[Tough guy doesn’t listen to him anymore. The girls groan in frustration and they all go back to the increasingly long line, disappointed of a rude man]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': ''[sees a bunch of kids looking at Lola who is sitting on a throne]'' Lola, playtime's over. We gotta go.
:'''Lola''': That's no way to speak to your queen! Send him to the dungeon!
:'''Lincoln''': ''[about to be attacked]'' Lola, wait! I just came to tell you, uh... there's another queen outside who says she's more powerful than you.
:'''Lola''': What? Well, I'll have her head! ''[they charge out of the store and find nothing]'' There's no one here! You lied! Well played, sir.
:'''Lincoln''': Let's move out.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': ''[finds some bones]'' Aha! I found another D: Diet!
:'''Lucy''': Lincoln, that's not human food.
:'''Lincoln''': It is if the human is:
:'''Lincoln, Lisa, Lucy, and Lola''': ''[notices the pet shop nearby]'' Lana.

==Episode 23==
===''Read Aloud (23.1)''===
:'''Librarian Wetta''': ''[sees Lisa's fake disguise]'' You look familiar!
:'''Lisa''': Oh, uh, ''[fake Texan accent]'' No, ma'am. I'm brand new to these here parts.
:'''Librarian Wetta''': Hmm...I swear I've seen you somewhere before. ''[sees the Loud family with a mountain of books to check out]'' Emilio, I'm gonna need backup.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Librarian Wetta''': Get back here!
:''[the family looks out the window and notices that Lisa is running away from Librarian Wetta]''
:'''Lisa''': You'll never catch me Wetta!
:'''Librarian Wetta''': You owe me $50,000!
===''Not a Loud (23.2)''===
:'''Clyde''': Alan could open doors with his mind. Let's see what you've got.
:''[Lincoln tries opening the door using mind powers, and after a few seconds, it does open]''
:'''Lincoln and Clyde''': It worked!
:'''Lana''': ''[turns out she opened it]'' I'd give it a minute before going in there. Whew!
:'''Clyde''': Well, scratch that. The next test is the ability to regenerate lost limbs. Do you have a stick you could bite on?
:'''Lincoln''': Clyde, I think it's pretty obvious I'm not an alien.
==''Tricked! (Episode 24)''==
:''[The boys run off in their direction. On the intersection of Franklin and Olive, kids are out trick-or-treating as Lincoln and Clyde arrive, but they hear Hank and Hawk laughing and hide in the bush.]''
:'''Hank''': Franklin Avenue. Ha! Score!
:''[He and Hawk put on disturbing baby masks, evil laugh, and head down Lincoln's street to have revenge. The boys pop out as soon as they leave.]''
:'''Clyde''': ''[terrified]'' Boy, those baby masks sure are creepy.
:'''Lincoln''': Yeah. But little do they know where the real score is. Right, buddy?
:'''Clyde''': I can't wait to tell Dr. Lopez about this. But should I tell her in group, or wait for our one-on-one?
:'''Lincoln''': Definitely group. You might inspire someone.
:''[They head off to the manor.]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hawk''': Let's get 'em!
:''[They leap out of the treehouse to be ready for their another revenge and chases Clincoln McCloud. The boys climb over a log, but the stinkers plow right through it. The boys hop over stones on a lake, but the stinkers charge on top of the water. The boys cross another log acting as a bridge, and when the stinkers try, their combined weight breaks the bridge, making them fall, scream, and climb up with their bare hands. Soon, they arrive back into town.]''
:'''Hawk''': ''[stops in pain]'' Ugh, stomach cramps!
:'''Hank''': Aw, man! If you get a cramp, I'll get a cramp.
:'''Clyde''': ''[looking back]'' I think we're losing them! ''[realizes]'' Oh, wait. We don't wanna lose them!
:'''Lincoln''': Let's just jog in place.
:''[They do so]''
:'''Hawk''': I'm okay!
:'''Lincoln''': Go!
:''[The chase resumes all the way to the corn maze with the stinkers' evil grin once again as they getting ready to kill the boys and they rush in.]''
:'''Hank''': They're ours now.
:''[Lincoln and Clyde duck into a few corn plants and lose them.]''
:'''Clyde''': It worked! We got them in here.
:'''Lincoln''': As Winston Churchill once said, 'Never, never, never give up.' ''[Clyde looks at him all ecstatically.]'' I felt bad, so while we were jogging in place, I glanced at the study guide.
:''[The stinkers are still looking for the boys.]''
:'''Hawk''': ''[a little scared]'' It's really dark in here.
:'''Hank''': Man up, bro! I want that candy. ''[notices the lights turning off]'' What's that?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lincoln and Clyde are giving out the full-size bars they got to the kids to make up for being robbed by the stinkers.]'
:'''Ballerina girl''': Trick or treat!
:''[Lincoln gives her one]''
:'''Clyde''': Here you go.
:'''Harry Potter boy''': Trick or treat!
:'''Lincoln''': ''[gives him one]'' And here you go.
:'''Robot kid''': ''[in a faux metallic voice]'' TRICK OR TREAT.
:''[Lincoln gives him one and the younger sisters are next.]'
:'''Lola, Lana and Lisa''': Trick or treat!
:''[Lincoln gives each of them one.]''
:'''Lola'': Ooh!
:'''Lana''': Full-size candy bars? No way!
:'''Lisa''': Wow. Where did you acquire these magnificent specimens?
:'''Lincoln''': It's a long story. Let's just say next Halloween, we have a great place to take you guys trick-or-treating.
:'''Clyde''': You'll just need a British accent.
:''[The sisters run off and a boy as a mummy comes up next.]''
:'''Mummy boy''': Trick or treat!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lynn Loud, Sr.''': ''[screams]'' I HATE HALLOWEEN!

==Episode 25==
===''The Crying Dame (25.1)''===
:'''Lola''': Three nights of torture! I cannot lose any more beauty sleep!
:'''Leni''': I was so tired last night; I fell asleep in the middle of cutting Lori's hair.
:'''Lori''': What?! ''[looks at her reflection on a frying pan and discovers a huge bald spot on the back of her head]'' Aaaah!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lola''': I finally got some beauty sleep. Oh yeah! I am back!
:'''Leni''': I slept so well, I got up early and made Lori these extensions. Now I just need a stapler.
:'''Lori''': ''[nervously grabs them]'' I'll take it from here!
===''Anti-Social (25.2)''===
:'''Lori''': Uh, guys, is this all reminding you of anyone?
:'''Lincoln''': ''[gasps]'' Holy moly! We literally turned Dad into us! ''[Leni screams]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mr. Loud and Luna are jamming in the garage when he leans over to Mr. Grouse's window and sees him ordering socks online]''
:'''Luna''': ''[rings his bell in his ear]'' Oops, you did it again. No looking at devices, Dad. Not even Mr. Grouse's.
:'''Lynn Sr.''': But he just got a really good deal on socks.
==Episode 26==
===''Snow Way Out (26.1)''===
:'''Flip''': ''[gets his burgers]'' Come to Flippy!
:'''Lana''': ''[Crossing her fingers]''No wrapper! No wrapper! No wrapper!
:'''Flip''': Dang it! All losers!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flip''': Hey, Blippity Fletchman! She may have fixed your car, but I'm the one who brought her here. How about a little something for me?
:'''Bobbie Fletcher''': Coming right up, pal. ''[revs up her engine and speeds off, blasting some snow all over Flip]''

===''Snow Way Down (26.2)''===
:'''Lincoln''': ''[out in the snowy hills]'' Pilot to co-pilot, we are ready for launch! ''[he and Clyde about to go down when Clyde's Dads appear at the base]''
:'''Howard and Harold''': Ah, ah!
:''[the trees have mattresses tied to them]''
:'''Howard''': Good thing we found that clearance sale on mattresses.
:'''Harold''': ''[wrapping Lincoln and Clyde up in bubble wrap]'' And on bubble wrap. Now we're good.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Clyde''': Guys! I'm here!
:'''Harold''': Clyde! Did you call the ranger?
:'''Clyde''': I did, but I got his voicemail!
:'''Howard''': What?! Harold, our next vacation is [[wikipedia:Chicago|Chicago]], not the sticks!

==External links==
{{DEFAULTSORT:Loud House}}

[[Category:Children's television seasons]]
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:'''Seasons:'''  [[The Loud House/Season 1|1]] [[The Loud House/Season 2|2]] [[The Loud House/Season 3|3]] [[The Loud House/Season 4|4]] [[The Loud House/Season 5|5]] [[The Loud House/Season 6|6]] | [[The Loud House|Main]]
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'''''{{w|The Loud House}}''''' (2016–present) is an American [[w:animated television series|animated television series]] created by [[w:Chris Savino|Chris Savino]] for [[w:Nickelodeon|Nickelodeon]]. The series revolves around the chaotic everyday life of young Lincoln Loud, who survives as the middle child and only son in a large family of 11 children.

==''11 Louds a Leapin' (Episode 1)''==
:'''Lori''': I can't help it. The sound of the paper tearing, the smell of the tape, that moment when you stick the bow in your hair. ''[tackles Luan]'' Gimme that!
:'''Luan''': You gotta kick this habit, Lori. We don't want a repeat of last year.
''[flashback of the previous Christmas: Lori is caught unwrapping the presents]''
:'''Lori''': Ha-ha, you guys got some great stuff!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': Merry Christmas, Mr. Grouse.
:'''Lana''': We all chipped in and got you something.
:''[Lincoln gives him the present and Mr. Grouse opens it]''
:'''Lynn''': It's a bus ticket.
:'''Luan''': So you can go see your family for Christmas tomorrow.
:'''Rita''': And since you can't be with them tonight, ''[she and Lynn Sr. finally reveal their faces]'' we're bringing our family to you.
:'''Lynn Sr.''': How 'bout it, neighbor?

==Episode 2==
===''Intern for the Worse (2.1)''===
:'''Flip''': ''[cleaning a car windshield]'' See, boys? Across and down! That's the technique. [hands the cleaning brush to Lincoln.] Now it's  my guest.:' ''Lincoln'' : But we're out of car washers; should I go in the dealer and get some?
:'''Flip''': You kidding' me, that stuff costs $9 a gallon! Here. ''[wipes his eyebrows with the brush and squeezes the sweat into the bucket]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mick''': Yeah, yeah. Can you hold my dog, Luna? I gotta take a wicked dump!
:'''Luna''': No, Mick. You cannot go number two until we are number one.
:''[Mick's stomach gurgles]''

===''The Bold and the Restless (2.2)''===
:''[Scoots glugging from the pudding dispenser]''
:'''Sue''': ''[blows whistle]'' I expressly said no donuts!
:'''Scoots''': You'll never catch me, maggot!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': ''[rushes to a tree]'' Pop-Pop!
:'''Pop-Pop''': ''[fart]'' Whoops! Guess I had too much chili. Sorry, kiddo. I think I overdid it a little today.
:'''Lincoln''': That's okay, Pop-Pop. If we hurry, we can still get you back in time. Hold on. ''[proceeds to get him down]''

==Episode 3==
===''Baby Steps (3.1)''===
:'''Clyde''': Wow. You didn't even need a cookie.
:'''Lily''': Cookie?
:'''Lincoln''': ''[gives Lily one]'' Sometimes it's safer to spell.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': ''[seeing Clyde runs away from his younger sisters]'' Clyde! What happened?
:'''Clyde''': ''[opens the door only to run into Lori]'' L-L-Lori? ''[gets a nosebleed and passes out]''
:'''Lori''': Whatever.
:'''Tuba''': ''[grabs Lori by the neck]'' NO!! Just stop!
===''Mall in the Family (3.2)''===
:'''Luna''': Lori had the dress first! She told me the whole story last night!
:'''Luan''': Well, Leni told me her side, and she clearly had the dress first!
:'''Luna''': Ha! That's funnier than most of your lame jokes!
:'''Luan''': Oh, I'm sorry I couldn't hear you! I've gone partially deaf from your horrible guitar playing!
:'''Kevin the Purple Cube''': I'm gonna grab you stupid brunettes by the shirts and spin you both around til I throw you both out!
:''[Kevin grabs Luna and Luan by the shirts and spins them around then throws them out the house]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': Next time when Lynn says she needs a car tire when Lisa talks, or Lana says Lola snores like Grand-Grand, I am staying out of it.
:'''Lisa''': You said what now, Loud?! ''[spitting on her due to her lisp]''
:'''Lola''': Oh, I snore, do I? How can you hear me over all your sleepfarting?!

==Episode 4==
===''Suite and Sour (4.1)''===
:'''Lola''': We will not be fine! ''[picks up and looks at the spa pamphlet.]'' Look at this place, you guys! It's got a spa, eight different pools, and a business center! We are missing out on all of it!!!
:'''Lynn''': Yeah, and while Mom and Dad are living it up, we'll be sucking in cat hair at Aunt Ruth's!
:'''Luan''': ''[touches her nose]'' Ooh, I call dibs on not clipping her toenails!
:''[Everyone does the same, but Lincoln is the last to touch his nose.]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[realizing he forgot]'' Dang it!
:'''Lori''': We're just gonna have to convince Mom and Dad to take us with them.
:'''Lincoln''': I know just the thing.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[enraged]'' Ghost hunting?! Elevator breaking?! Pool wrecking?! What happened to &quot;You won't even know we're here?!&quot;
:'''Rita''': ''[angrily]'' You're all grounded to the room for the rest of the weekend. Your father and I would like to ''try'' to enjoy some relaxation time!

===''Back in Black (4.2)''===
:'''Lori''': Lola! Did you take my Red Riot lipstick again?!
:'''Lola''': No, but someone took my perfume; I bet it was Leni!
:'''Leni''': Was not, but I'd like to know who took my pink [[wikipedia:Chiffon (fabric)|chiffon]] dress, Lori! ''[she, Lori, , and Lola argue]''
:'''Lola''': Hang on, I smell my perfume! ''[to Lynn and Lucy's room]'' Lynn? Ya better not be using my perfume to cover the stink of your hockey pads!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lincoln and Rocky are fixing the Solar System project]''
:'''Rusty''': So, the dog did this?!
:'''Lincoln''': Uh, yup, Bad Charles! ''[Charles whimpers and drags his butt across the carpet in frustration]''
==Episode 5==
===''Making the Grade (5.1)''===
:'''Lincoln''': Lisa, I think you're officially part of the gang.
:'''Assistant''': McBride, Principal Huggins will see you next.
:'''Clyde''': He doesn't scare me. ''[steps in confidently, but then begins pleading sorrowfully]'' I'm so sorry! Please don't put this on my record!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lisa''': What about the gang and being part of it?
:'''Lincoln''': I'd rather be the one to suffer than a classroom full of kids with strep throat. Man, I can't have that on my conscience.
:'''Lisa''': Okay. But if I go back to being smart Lisa, you're getting the whole package, i.e., unabashed superiority and zero tolerance for ignoramuses. It'll probably be back to the sticky table for you.
:'''Lincoln''': That's a chance I'm willing to take.
:'''Lisa''': You're a good man, Lincoln Loud. As Socrates once quipped-- ''[gets squirted again]'' Yak! Ah, to heck with this thing! ''[takes the collar off and tosses it aside]''
===''Vantastic Voyage (5.2)''===
:'''Lana''': &quot;Lola and I have been working on a new song. It's called &quot;Happiness is a New Van&quot;.&quot;
:'''Lincoln''': ''[whispers to them and pouts]'' Can it. He already said yes.
:'''Lola''': ''[ignoring him]'' &quot;We've been practicing for four hours! ''[punishes him]'' SIT DOWN! ''[Lincoln, feeling scared, complies. The twins dance to a beat while Lincoln gets sit down as punishment for asking her a question.]'' And a one, a two, a one, two, three, four! ''[Scene ends before the song starts]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lucy''': Hey, Dad, we made Piz-zilla. Pizza shaped like Vanzilla.
:'''Lynn''': Brings back some memories, doesn't it?
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[is about to eat his pizza when the toppings fall off]'' It sure does. Everything's fallen off it just like Vanzilla. ''[chuckles]'' Glad that heap's gone.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lynn Sr and Rita are heading home in Vanzilla]''
:'''Rita''': Thanks for giving up Veronica, dear. I know it was a big sacrifice.
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Pttf! Veronica who? ''[he and Rita laugh]'' I'm just glad we can all be together in Vanzilla again.
:'''Lincoln''': ''[offscreen]'' We are too, ''[camera cuts to reveal that Sienna is once again being pushed by the siblings, except for Lola who is still practicing her pageant waves]'' even if we're not actually ''in'' Vanzilla!

==Episode 6==
===''Patching Things Up (6.1)''===
:'''Scout Leader''': Now for the Primitive Survival patch; to earn it you must dig a bag!
:'''Lola''': That sounds French- a bag: what is it?
:'''Lana''': It's a hole ya look in!
:''[Lola screams in horror so loud birds are scared away]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lana''': ''[belches]'' (eating a sandwich) You know. sometimes you just gotta step out of your comfort zone.
:'''Lola''': I'm already out of my comfort zone! I am eating without a tablecloth!
:'''Scout Leader''': Bluebell scouts are prepared for any kind of weather. So I'll give you a forecast ''(opens up a trunk of different outfits while Lola is in happy shock)'' and you'll have to put on a proper attire.

===''Cheater by the Dozen (6.2)''===
:'''Pam''': Why don't you slip out of those clothes, and we'll get started.
:''[Bobby starts to take off his clothes and the boys gasp at that]''
:'''Clyde''': ''[covering his eyes]'' I'm not allowed to watch R-rated movies!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lisa''': I rigged audio surveillance, but a vicious beast prevented me from installing visuals. ''[Flashback: Lisa runs away from said vicious beast]'' Ah, large wild animal! ''[said beast turns out to be a small cat]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Giovanni''': Ahem! ''[not happy from hearing about what happened to his meal]'' I hate to break up this lovefest, but how do you intend to pay for my linguini dim sum?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Later, Lori and Bobby are dancing together. Lincoln and Clyde are seen working in the kitchen to pay off the mess as punishment for ruining his meal, with Giovanni outside the kitchen instructing orders.]''
:'''Giovanni''': Hurry up with those kung pao anchovies!
:'''Clyde''': Well, at least all that working out won't go to waste.
:''[He struggles to open a jar of anchovies and Lincoln takes it and opens it himself, showing Clyde was turning the lid the wrong way.]''
:'''Lincoln''': [sympathizing] You loosened it.
:''[The jar opens up and some stinky yucky anchovies appear.]''
:'''Lincoln and Clyde''': [grossed out] UGH!!!

==Episode 7==
===''Lock 'n' Loud (7.1)''===
:'''Mr. Grouse''': ''[off-screen]'' Help! Help! I've been robbed! ''[the Loud kids rush in]''
:'''Lincoln''': Mr. Grouse, what happened?
:'''Mr. Grouse''': They cleaned me out! My [[wikipedia:polka|polka]] records! My black and white TV! My encyclopedias! All gone! ''[runs back inside]''
:'''Lori''': I literally don't know what any of those things are.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Grouse''': ''[his swollen face above the window]'' Hey, Loud, these muffins got walnuts in 'em! Next time ya want to pay me off for pretending to be robbed, how about giving me something I'm not allergic to?
:'''Lincoln''': Pretending to be robbed?!
:''[The Loud kids and Rita angrily scold Lynn Sr. for lying]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[sighs]'' I'm sorry, everyone. I was trying to teach to lock the dang door. I just want to protect my most important valuables: you guys.
:'''Loud kids and Rita''': ''[they all hug Lynn Sr.]''

===''The Whole Picture (7.2)''===
:'''Lincoln''': Dad! Do we have the cloud?
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Well, of course we do, Lincoln. ''[Lincoln sighs with relief]'' We also have the sky and the sun and the moon...
:'''Lincoln''': No, I mean the digital cloud, where you store stuff from your computer.
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Oh, that cloud! No.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rusty''': ''[dressed as Lucy]'' Wassup, playas? Lucy Loud is in da house!
:'''Clyde''': ''[dressed as Luan]'' Rusty, a little acting tip: Lucy would never say that.
:'''Rusty''': You just worry about your Lola.
:'''Clyde''': ''[annoyed]'' I'm Luan! Did you at all prepare for this?!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Soon, Lincoln and Clyde are passed out on the ground from all those photos they took and the sisters arrive back home from the mall.]''
:'''Sisters''': &quot;LINCOLN?!&quot;
:'''Lori''': &quot;What are you doing with all our stuff?&quot;
:'''Lola''': [notices and gasps] &quot;That tiara is never supposed to touch the ground!&quot;
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lincoln has uploaded a photo of his sisters hugging him to the cloud.]''
:'''Lincoln''': Perfect start to the new Lincoln Library: now with [[wikipedia:Cloud computing|cloud backup]].
:'''Lori''': ''[off-screen with anger]'' WHO USED ALL MY LIPSTICK?!
:''[Clyde smiles guiltily.]''

==Episode 8==
===''No Such Luck (8.1)''===
:'''Lincoln''': ''[dancing]'' Who's unlucky? I'm unlucky! Who's unlucky? I'm unlucky!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Louds congratulate Lynn for her victory, and Lincoln joins them dressed in a squirrel costume.]''
:'''Lola''': Um, do you mind, Fur Ball? This is a family moment.
:'''Lincoln''': Guys, it's me! ''[takes the mask off]'' I was here the whole time! This proves it: I'm not bad luck!
:'''Lynn''': Oh my gosh, you're right. Wow, Lincoln, I'm really sorry.
:''[The rest of the family apologizes to Lincoln for hurting his feelings.]''
:'''Rita''': Sorry we sold all your furniture.
:'''Lincoln''': Wait, what?!

===''Frog Wild (8.2)''===
:''[Lincoln and Lana try to yank the lock open with a key]''
:'''Lana''': We have a problem. It's a surface mounted deadbolt with a tumbler locking mechanism.
:'''Lincoln''': In English, please?
:'''Lana''': We'll have to find another way in.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mrs. Johnson''': Come on, people, I'm giving you comedy gold here!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[predators start targeting the lab frogs]''
:'''Lincoln''': Do you wanna be today's lunch special? Move! ''[the frogs won't move]'' Why aren't they moving?!
:'''Lana''': Maybe they don't know how to survive in the wild!

==Episode 9==
===''Kick the Bucket List (9.1)''===
:'''Lincoln''': ''So, what'd ya cut?''
:'''Clyde''': ''[chuckles nervously]'' ''Um...nothing. I actually added an activity.''
:'''Lincoln''': ''Well, you did better than me. I added two.''
:''[They laugh]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''This is gonna be the most awesome and rad day ever!''
:'''Rita''': ''Just make sure you're home before the streetlights come on; tomorrow's a school day.''
:'''Lincoln''': ''No problem, Mom.''
:'''Clyde''': ''[checks his watch]'' ''Hmm...that gives us eight hours. Think we'll be able to get all this done?''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[determined]'' ''Clyde, we have to! Though we'll need to do more stretching.''
:''[They crouch and sprain something]''
:'''Lincoln and Clyde''': ''OW!''
:'''Lincoln''': ''One's good.''
:''[They waddle away to start their list.]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Clyde''': ''[gives a girl a Pizza Box with Lincoln's face]'' Hey, here you go. I know what it's like to need a friend. &quot;Nice to meet ya!&quot; ''[leaves the box with the girl, who is confused]''
===''Party Down (9.2)''===
:''[Lisa and Lily are drinking from the chocolate fountain]''
:'''Lisa''': Oh, mama! This [[wikipedia:Theobroma cacao|''theobroma cacao'']], street name: chocolate, is working wonders on my [[wikipedia:serotonin|serotonin]] levels!
:'''Lily''': ''[pouring some into her bottle]'' Goo-goo!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lori''': ''[rips Lincoln's mustache off his face]'' Lincoln! I told you, you're ''not'' invited!
:'''Lincoln''': But my tricks are killing!
:'''Lori''': I'm ''trying'' to throw a sophisticated party, and you're literally waving around your underwear! Now…SCRAM!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Leni''': I am totally posting this. ''[posts a photo of Lori with chocolate; Lori's friends get the post and smile; Later, a doorbell rings, and Lori answers it]''
:'''Becky''': Yeah, my mom's toe, it's all better.

==Episode 10==
===''Fed Up (10.1)''===
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Guys? Everything okay in there?
:''[the kids stop fighting]''
:'''Leni''': Like, awesome!
:'''Lana''': Super!
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Good! Your mom and I are getting hungry for dinner! Hope you're almost ready to fork it over!

===''Shell Shock (10.2)''===
:'''Clyde''': So what should we call her? Any family names you'd like to honor?
:'''Penelope''': I was thinking we could combine our names. Clyde and Penelope make...
:'''Clyde''': [[wikipedia:Calliope|Calliope]]!
:'''Penelope''': ''[gasps]'' Perfect!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Bobby''': ''[in lifeguard outfit]'' Off to save some lives!
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[with his pizza boy shirt]'' Bobby! The pool closed in September! You're delivering pizzas tonight! ''[goes after him]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[suspicious on seeing Rochelle/Toby in the box nest]'' Wait. What's this? Lincoln, what's going on here?
:'''Lincoln''': I can explain. See, I gave you a ''fake'' egg.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Why would you do that?
:'''Lincoln''': Because you're, well, Ronnie Anne.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': What's ''that'' supposed to mean?
:'''Lincoln''': Well, I thought you couldn't be trusted with the ''real'' one because, you're not exactly the most careful and nurturing type, but-
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[shocked and stomps her foot on the ground, angrily interrupting]'' So ''that's'' what you think of me?! That I'm such a monster I can't be left alone with an egg?! ''[stomps her foot again]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[backs up nervously to the table]'' No, no, no. When I saw you with your family, I realized I totally had you all wrong, and- ''[hits the table with his head]'' Oof!
:''[The crash causes Rochelle/Toby to fly up into the air and shatter on the floor, ruining their project]''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': I guess none of that matters anymore. ''[annoyed]'' Thanks a lot, Lincoln. Now we're gonna fail!
:'''Lincoln''': Ronnie Anne, I-
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Just get out of my house!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Penelope''': I know he's your best friend, Clyde. But I don't want him to be Calliope's godfather.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[answers the door and spots a basket with a note attached to it on the doorstep; reads the note]'' '''&quot;Please take care of me. Signed, Toby Rochelle II.&quot;''' ''[spots Lincoln hiding in the bush and drops the note in the basket]'' I know you're there, weirdo.
:'''Lincoln''': ''[pops out nervously]'' Oh, uh…hi.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': What's with the egg? We're done. We failed.
:'''Lincoln''': Well, after I left your house yesterday, I went to talk to Mrs. Johnson. ''[Flashback to yesterday, talking to Mrs. Johnson about what happened]'' So, it was ''my'' fault the egg broke. I thought I knew who Ronnie Anne was, but it turns out, I didn't know anything about her. She's really responsible and caring, and she deserves a second chance. ''[drops his head in sorrow]''
:'''Mrs. Johnson''': ''[thinks for a second]'' All right, Lincoln. I'll give her another shot.
:'''Lincoln''': ''[relieved]'' That's awesome! Thanks, Mrs. Johnson.
:'''Mrs. Johnson''': And you, too.
:'''Lincoln''': ''[surprised]'' Really?
:'''Mrs. Johnson''': I think you just figured out what this assignment is all about.
:''[Flashback ends]''
:'''Lincoln''': She didn't let me off the hook completely. I don't get the waffle breakfast, but that's okay. Because all I care about now is putting our family back together.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[touched]'' Thanks, Lincoln. I appreciate it. ''[nudges him]''
:'''Lincoln''': Ow!
:'''Ronnie Anne''': But don't get too mushy on me.

==Episode 11==
===''Pulp Friction (11.1)''===
:''[Scoots blocks Vanzilla's path]''
:'''Lola''': Move it, lady!
:'''Scoots''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, am I going too slow for you? ''[sets her scooter in slow reverse.]''
:''[Scoots' evil grinning as she delays the kids and move backward even more to prevent them from reaching Principal Huggins]''.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lola''': Hey, what did you think of the Queen of Diamonds? Wasn't she your favorite part? Here! Let me show you some of my ideas for an action figure and a bed sheet set.
:'''Bill''': ''[seeing the kids gathering to talk to him about the comic]'' Whoa! This is kind of a... [[wikt:full house|full house]]!

===''Pets Peeved (11.2)''===

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Back at the Loud House, the kids are worried about their missing pets. Lana's holding up a poster she made.]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[hanging up; downtrodden]'' Well, Clyde hasn't seen them.
:'''Lori''': Neither has Bobby. Come on. We have to go look for them! Everyone, bring your posters!
:'''Lana''': ''[sniffs, forlorn, heartbroken]'' I don't know what I'm gonna do if we don't find them! ''[cries and hugs Luna for comfort.]''
:'''Lisa''': ''[on the verge of tears and sadness]'' Whilst I normally view animals as mere test subjects, those little guys are family! ''[starts crying]''
:''[The kids all start crying and feel guilty for not getting their four pets' attention, except for Lana and Charles barks to them.]''
:'''Lincoln''': Sometimes, I can still hear them.
:''[The kids go back to crying, except for Lana and Charles barks to them again.]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[stops crying with his sisters and realizes...]'' Wait!
:''[The kids happily turn around and see their pets and the little dog back home and cheer for their return and grab their pets with lots of love and apologizing them for not getting their attention while the little dog is ignored.]''
:'''Lana''': ''[to the dog]'' You, too, new puppy! Get in here! You're part of our family, too.
:''[The puppy comes to join four pets into their arms.]''
:'''Loud Kids''': YOU'RE AN OFFICIAL LOUD!!
:''[The doorbell then rings. Lincoln answers it and it's a little girl at the door.]''
:'''Clare''': Hi. My name's Clare. I'm looking for my dog. He slipped out of his collar, and- ''[notices]'' Watterson! ''[walks up to the little puppy.]'' There you are! ''[Lana gives Watterson to her.]'' I've missed you. Oh, how I've missed you. ''[to the Loud sisters]'' He's my best friend in the whole wide world. Thank you for taking care of him.
:'''Lori''': It was literally our pleasure.
:'''Luna''': ''[upset]'' Aw. Looks like you're going home, little dude. ''[kisses his butt]''
:'''Lana''': Uh, Luna, that's his butt. ''[Luna stops kissing it]'' Bye, Watterson. ''[turns him around]'' I'm sorry you won't be a Loud, but I'm glad your friend found you. ''[tearfully hugs him]''
:'''Clare''': Come on, Watterson. Time to get you home. ''[prepares to leave]''
:'''Loud Sisters''': Bye!
:'''Luna''': We'll miss you!
:'''Leni''': Love you!
:''[The pets are sad that Watterson is leaving, but he hops out of Clare's arms and gives them each a friendly lick goodbye with Geo's lick rolling his ball away.]''
:'''Clare''': Come on, Watterson! Come on, boy!
:''[Watterson goes to Clare and the two of them leave.]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[to the pets]'' We're so glad you're home. How about we all go to the kitchen for a nice big treat?
:''[The pets sprint to the kitchen where Lincoln gives them each a treat for them as an apology for what happened earlier.]''
:'''Lisa''': ''[off-screen]'' DOES ANYONE KNOW WHY MY SLIDE PROJECTOR WAS IN CHARLES' DOGHOUSE?!
:''[The pets worriedly look at each other over that little detail they forgot as the episode irises out on all four of them.]''

==Episode 12==
===''Potty Mouth (12.1)''===
:'''Lori''': Ew. Well, someone's gonna have to change her.
:'''Leni''': ''[plugs her nose]'' &quot;DIBS, NOT IT!
:'''Other Sisters''': ''[touch their noses]'' &quot;DIBS, NOT IT!&quot;
:'''Lincoln''': ''[touches his nose and realizes he was last once again]'' Dang it! I always lose that! ''[walks over to Lisa and grabs her]'' Sorry, Dr. S. I'll take care of it. Aren't you a little cutie-wutie? Did Lily-Wily make a poo-poo in her diapey-diapey? ''[now angry]'' Lisa, what the heck, man?
:'''Lisa''': I was instructed to act like a one-year-old. Ergo, I did. There's just no pleasing you people.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Luan''': It turns out, we had nothin' to worry about. We're not such a bad influence on Lily after all!
:''[everyone cheers before Charles steals Lily's doughnut]''
:'''Lily''': ''[bleep]''!
:''[everyone gasps in sheer shock]''

===''L is for Love (12.2)''===
:''[At the cemetery at night, the boy Lucy met is sitting on the stone wall]''
:'''Silas''': Sigh
:''[Lucy suddenly appears right next to him and he slips and falls upon her appearance]''
:'''Lucy''': Ah, the futility of life. Am I right, Silas?
:''[Silas groans in pain. Cut to the mall where Chaz is putting mannequins in the display window. Leni is acting like a mannequin till Chaz comes to put her on display]''
:'''Leni''': Hi.
:''[Chaz flails and crashes into the mannequins. Leni winks at him. Switch to Ms. Shrinivas's classroom where all the kids are taking their naps. A shadow looms over the boy Lisa likes, and it happens to be Lisa]''
:'''Lisa''': Based upon the fluttering of your gorgeous eyelids, you must have had quite a REM cycle.
:''[The boy falls out of his cot in a fright and Lisa winks at him. At Lynn's next game, she throws the ball at the boy she likes who is batting right into his arm and winks at him. At the arcade, the girl Lincoln likes is playing Dance Battle]''
:'''Lincoln''': Nice moves, Paige! ''[couldn't hear him and still got distracted with the arcade game]'' I said, nice move-
:''[Paige accidentally kicks him, hears him crash, shrugs it off, and keeps playing. Meanwhile, in Lily's room, Lily crawls up to her teddy bear, winks at and hugs it.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lola''': ''[Wearing a big brunette wig]'' Me three!
:'''Lana''': ''[Taking off her twin's wig]'' Nice try, blonde

==''The Loudest Mission: Relative Chaos (Episode 13)''==
:''[Hector and Bobby run away from the cats]''
:'''Bobby''': So, the gang has cats?
:'''Hector''': The gang ''is'' cats!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Ronnie Anne goes to sleep in the bathtub, but spots Sergio the parrot inside]''
:'''Sergio''': I'm naked!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': I still don't get why ''I'' have to come along.
:'''Lori''': ''[rioting]'' BECAUSE RONNIE ANNE'S YOUR GIRLFRIEND!!!
:'''Lincoln''': She is ''NOT'' my girlfriend!
:'''Lori''': Lincoln, we are literally crossing a bridge! Do you really want to get into an argument with me '''RIGHT NOW?!?'''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ronnie Anne''': What do you mean you didn't convince him?
:'''Lori''': He talked about the bodega for 40 minutes until the beef jerky guy showed up and at that point I had literally reached my limit.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[sighs and thinks]'' We need to do something to get Bobby's attention.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': ''[while being dragged by Lori]'' We're leaving? But Mrs. Casagrande's baking a cake!
:'''Lori''': ''[heartbroken]'' Lincoln, I literally just lost my boyfriend!
:'''Lori''': ''[angrily]'' Do you really wanna argue with me right now?!
:'''Bobby''': ''[appearing]'' Babe, where are you going?
:'''Lori''': ''[furious]'' What do you care?! Why don't you just go back to your precious bodega?! YOU OBVIOUSLY CARE ABOUT IT MORE THAN YOU CARE ME! ''[starts sobbing]''
:'''Lincoln''': I'm just gonna go help Mrs. Casagrande with the frosting. ''[chuckles and rushes back inside the apartment]''
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Lincoln, what's happening out there?
:'''Lincoln''': I don't know. But it was too much drama for me.
:'''Ronnie Anne''':  Wait a minute. They're hugging, and Lori's smiling. She must have finally convinced him! Yes! ''[runs over to Lori and hugs her, moments later]'' Thank you, thank you, thank you! I knew we could do this. I'll go pack up my stuff.
:'''Lori''': Uh, actually…
:'''Ronnie Anne''': What?
:'''Lori''': I know I came here to convince Bobby not to move, but after talking to him, I think he should stay.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Well, that's great for you guys, but what about me?! Lincoln, come on! Help me out here!
:'''Lincoln''': I don't know, Ronnie Anne. I think your family's ''pretty'' awesome. I mean, who can make a cake like this?

==Episode 14==
===''Out of the Picture (14.1)''===
:'''Lincoln and Clyde''': Morticians Club! We're in!
:'''Lucy''': No you're not. You guys are not part of this club.
:'''Haiku''': Hold on, Lucy. We can always use some more bodies.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': ''[picks up what Lola dropped]'' ''Coach Pacowski: A Man With Many Secrets''. What's this?
:'''Lola''': That was in case the muffins didn't work. ''[takes it back]'' I'll just save this for the next time I wanna get out of Dodgeball.
===''Room with a Feud (14.2)''===
:'''Lincoln''': So, guess what? I gave my sisters the compatibility test, they changed rooms, and it's working like a dream! You hear how quiet it is?
:''[beat]''
:'''Lynn''': ''[off-screen]'' Dang it Lana!
:'''Lincoln''': Uh, probably just a little glitch. I'll call you back.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lisa''': Leni will be rooming with Lynn.
:'''Leni and Lynn''': Wait, why are we together? That doesn't make any sense! We don't even have anything in common!
==Episode 15==
===''Back Out There (15.1)''===
:''[The boys see Lincoln sitting on his bike, in front of the Santiago's old residence through binoculars behind the shrub]''
:'''Rusty''': Ronnie Anne's old house? ''This'' is where he's been coming every day?
:'''Zach''': Doesn't he know she moved?
:'''Clyde''': I think I know what's going on here. ''[the boys duck into the shrub]'' Lincoln's got a classic case of PBB.
:'''Zach''': Peanut Butter Breath?
:'''Clyde''': No.
:'''Rusty''': Pale Boy Bangs?
:'''Clyde''': No.
:'''Liam''': [[wikipedia:Polybrominated biphenyl|Polybrominated biphenyl]]s?
:'''Clyde''': No. Lincoln has PBB, or Post-Breakup Blues. The poor guy misses Ronnie Anne so much that he's coming here everyday to pine for her.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hattie''': Ya done seen this picture before? Oooh! I loves the part where the alien becomes human!
:''[the audience boos]''
:'''Lincoln''': Kinda a spoiler.
:'''Hattie''': That ain't nuttin'; turns out da ol' thing's just a dream!
:''[the audience complains about the spoiler]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Clyde''': ''[picks up Lincoln's phone as it vibrates]'' Huh. Lincoln must've dropped his phone. ''[sees who's calling]'' Ronnie Anne?! Ugh! Unbelievable! She's still tormenting him? I'll handle this. ''[answers the call]'' Hello, Ronnie Anne. This is Clyde, Lincoln's best friend.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': I know who you are, Clyde. Where's Lincoln?
:'''Clyde''': You need to leave him alone!
:'''Rusty''': Yeah! He needs space to get over you!
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Get over me?
:'''Zach''': Yeah, since you left, the poor guy's just been standing in front of your old house every day.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': Yeah! Because I asked him to look out for a package that was sent to me there.
:'''Clyde''': How's that now? ''[in unison with Liam, Rusty, and Zach]'' Uh-oh.
:'''Rusty, Liam, and Zach''': ''[in unison with Clyde]'' Uh-oh.
:'''Ronnie Anne''': ''Did you guys do something stupid again?''
:'''Clyde''': We have to stop that bus!
:'''Rusty''': Snake formation! It'll cut down wind resistance!

===''Spell It Out (15.2)''===
:'''Rita''': Lori, honey, I'm sure it's not the end of the world.
:''[Lori with mascara-smudged tears shows her mom a voicemail]''
:'''Female voice''': What's with the silent treatment, Lori!? Do you think you're better than us?! Ugh! Whatever. Friendship? Over...
:'''Rita''': No worries. You can always hang out with your old mom. You can join my book club. ''[Lori covers her face with her pillow]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lucy''': ''[to Harriet's photo]'' Well, Great-Grandma Harriet, I guess this book of spells didn't work after all. ''[holds up a photo of her and her siblings]'' But that's okay. because I got a pretty magical result all the same. ''[she puts the photo of the Loud kids next to Harriet's. Just then, a lightning flash occurs, and the photo of Harriet mysteriously changes her expression from a frown to a smile]''
==Episode 16==
===''Fool's Paradise (16.1)''===
:'''Family''': ''[touching their noses]'' DIBS NOT!
:''[Leni realizes she put her finger in her ear instead of on her nose.]''
:'''Leni''': Dang it! I always do it wrong.
:''[She opens the door and gets knocked back by an instantly inflating clown prop that sends her flying into the sign now with flypaper, trapping her on it, where she sees neon lights that form Luan laughing at her as her family gasps.]''
:'''Leni''': You guys go on without me! I'd rather be stuck up here than get pranked by Luan!
:''[Of course, she had just been tricked, trapped on a sign. [[wikipedia:Flypaper|flypaper]].]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Luan''': ''[up in the air in the poncho]'' Clap! Clap! Clap! Well done, family, you got me! You may have won this time, but next year, I'm gonna stop going easy on you and give you all an April Fool's you'll never forget, especially you, Dad! ''[laughs evilly]''
:'''Lynn Sr''': ''[horrified]'' WHAT HAVE I DONE?!
:''[The rest of the family runs away screaming in terror as Luan keeps laughing.]''

===''Job Insecurity (16.2)''===
:'''Lincoln''': Sir, please give our dad his job back! This was all a misunderstanding!
:'''Sergei''': ''[mad]'' What is there to misunderstanding?! First I get the rudest call of my life, then I have no one to help with the breakfast rush! So my answer is [[wikt:nyet|nyet]]!
:'''Leni''': ''[claps]'' Yay!
:'''Red Hemka''': ''[punches Leni's face]'' Hey, knock it off! I'm starving!
:'''Lisa''': Nyet means &quot;no&quot;.
:'''Leni''': ''[downtrodden]'' Aw!
:'''Red Hemka''': ''[lividly grabs Leni by the dress, about to force her on the ground]'' ''I TOLD YOU TO KNOCK IT OFF!!!!!!!!!!!''
:'''Mr. Grumpy''': ''[to Red Hemka]'' ''Save your energy!''
:'''Lynn''': Please don't punish our dad. This was ''our'' fault.
:'''Lori''': Yeah. We're always messing up.
:'''Lincoln''': All we do is make his life worse.
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Whoa, whoa, kids, what are you talking about? You make my life better every day. This is just a job. Don't worry. I can find another one.
:''[The kids smile and hug their dad. Sergei, touched, gets tears in his eyes.]''
:'''Sergei''': I can't say [[wikt:nyet|nyet]] to a man with such a nice family. You get your job back!

==Episode 17==
===''ARGGH! You for Real? (17.1)''===
:''[the crowd cheers for Hunter Spector's success]''
:'''Tall Burly Man''': ''[cleaning his ear]'' What was that? I want to play Minecraft!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Clyde's dads leave Clyde's room and cheer]''
:'''Harold''': Oh, our son is back! ''[notices his husband making an elated face]'' Howie, don't make that face; it'll freeze that way.

===''Garage Banned (17.2)''===
:'''Luan''': Dang it, Luna! Your fog machine warped Mr. Coconuts' head! ''[shows her dummy's disfigured head]''
:'''Luna''': Can't prove it, dude!
:'''Luan''': Lincoln, tell her she has to pay to get him fixed!
:'''Lincoln''': Um...okay. Luna, I think Luan has a point. You should pay up.
:'''Luna''': ''[threatens him]'' You wanna think again, brah?
:'''Lincoln''': Yes, I do. Luan, I think you should accept that fog machines are a part of life.
:'''Luan''': ''[as the facially disfigured Mr. Coconuts]'' I wouldn't be too hasty, Slick! My cousin's a baseball bat!
:'''Lincoln''': ''[dismayed]'' I wish Lori was here. She always has the right solution.
==Episode 18==
===''Change of Heart (18.1)''===
:'''Leni''': ''[as Lori]'' OMG! Bobby! Texting! Literally!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Clyde, acting like a robot, knocks over Mr. Grouse's trash cans]''
:'''Mr. Grouse''': Why you lousy-- Ooh. Alabama, Arizona, Arkansas... ''[end of episode]''
===''Health Kicked (18.2)''===
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lynn Sr.''': You kids must be famished! It's grub time! ''[the kids suggest pizza, fries, and cheeseburgers]''
:'''Lucy''': [[wikipedia:Blood orange|Blood oranges]].
:'''Lynn Sr.''': No, I mean actual grubs. ''[shows a plate of such insects]''
:'''non-Lana kids''': Eww!
:'''Lana''': Ooh!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rita''': Honey, I thought we agreed to take it easier.
:'''Lynn Sr.''': But the Ice Cream Truck is getting away!
:'''Loud Family''': Ah! ''[chasing the Ice Cream Truck]'' Ice Cream!

==Episode 19==
===''Future Tense (19.1)''===
:'''Beau''': Will you guys take me to my gallery opening tonight?
:'''Jancey''': Of course, Beau!
:'''Beau''': [[wikt:고맙다|Gomawoyo]]! ''[the Loud parents are confused]''
:'''Jancey''': He's in a Korean-English immersion program.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lola is dropped off at a soup kitchen.]''
:'''Rita''': Volunteering at a soup kitchen will look great on your résumé.
:'''Lola''': ''[furious]'' You know what won't look great? Me in a hairnet!
:''[Lana is dropped off at Finishing School.]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Finishing School will teach you some valuable social graces.
:'''Lana''': I've got social graces up the wazoo! ''[belches]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[nervous]'' Where am I going, the police station? Military school?
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Nope, you're going home, to read comics.
:'''Lincoln''': ''[delighted]'' I knew I was your favorite!

===''Lynner Takes All (19.2)''===
:'''Lynn''': ''[slams her cards on the table]'' Boom! Welcome to Losertown! Population: you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you! ''[she says as she points to her siblings individually]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lincoln and her non-Lynn sisters are riding in Vanzilla for some peace and quiet]''
:'''Luna''': Ah. This is sweet, right dudes? ''[the others agree]''
:'''Luan''': I really need a break from her.
:'''Lynn''': ''[biking faster than Vanzilla]'' Come on, Lynn! Push it! Push it! Dig deep! Yeah! You lose! Eat my dust! ''[her siblings groan]''
==Episode 20==
===''Yes Man (20.1)''===
:'''Leni''': ''[screams with her eyes still crossed]'' Lori! I think my eyes are stuck.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': Wait a minute! You might be onto something. Everything I told you guys to do worked. Luna, can I borrow your guitar?
:'''Luna''': You kiddin' me, dude? No way!
:'''Lincoln''': ''[frustrated]'' Ahh! I can't convince anyone of anything!
:'''Luna''': I'm just messin' with ya, bro. ''[hands him the guitar as he softly chuckles]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rita''': &quot;Lincoln, it doesn't matter how you ask us, the answer is no.&quot;
:'''Lynn Sr.''': &quot;We'd love to get you the ticket, but we're out of money. We gave it all to your sisters.&quot;
:'''Rita''': &quot;Maybe if you'd asked us earlier in the day.&quot;
:''[Lincoln was heartbroken and his turkey tail droops. His sisters feel guilty and realize what they have done to their brother.]''

===''Friend or Faux? (20.2)''===
:'''Lisa''': ''[sees Lynn Sr. and Kotaro playing music]'' Observation #4: friendship requires common interests.
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Man, we are so good!
:'''Lisa''': Also, common delusions.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lisa''': Oh! I see we have a common interest in the ''[[wikipedia:Northern giraffe|giraffa camelopardalis]]''.
:'''Darcy''': Oh, you mean Rafo. You have a stuffed giraffe, too?
:'''Lisa''': No, but I have a giraffe cerebrum soaking in [[wikipedia:formaldehyde|formaldehyde]].
:'''Darcy''': ''[giggles]'' You use funny words, Lisa.

==Episode 21==
===''No Laughing Matter (21.1)''===
:''[Lynn is drinking a protein shake which Luan notices.]''
:'''Luan''': That looks gross.
:'''Lynn''': ''[spits in her face and laughs]'' Oh, my gosh, Luan! Zing! Ha ha!
:''[Luan looks annoyed. In the living room, Lincoln is drinking some water and watching TV. Luan joins him.]''
:'''Luan''': Hey, what are you watching?
:'''Lincoln''': ''[spits in her face and laughs]'' Oh, my gosh, Luan! Oh, wow. You are hilarious!
:''[Luan is annoyed again. In the bathroom, Luna is brushing her teeth when Luan enters.]''
:'''Luan''': Are you gonna be done in here soon?
:'''Luna''': ''[spits her toothpaste in her face and laughs]'' Dude! Done in here soon! Too much, man!
:''[Luan, angry, wipes the toothpaste from her face and walks out of the bathroom.]''
:'''Luan''': Alright! Everyone out here, now!
:''[Her siblings gather with big phony smiles on their faces.]''
:'''Luan''': I see what you guys are doing, and it's not going to work. I'm done with comedy.
:'''Leni''': ''[spits her soda on Luan]'' Done with comedy! Ha! Classic Luan!
:'''Luan''': Leni, knock it off!
:'''Leni''': ''[jubilant]'' Who's there?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': ''[carrying Luan's props downstairs]'' Guys! I think I've got the answer!
:'''Lucy''': No need. Lisa beat you to it.
:'''Lisa''': I've calibrated my time machine to send us back two minutes before Luan overheard us criticizing her.
:'''Lincoln''': That is pretty good.
:'''Lisa''': Small disclaimer: the journey may result in our butts being in front.
:'''Lori''': ''[to Lincoln]'' Lincoln, what's your plan?
:'''Lincoln''': Well, we can't convince Luan she's funny, right? But what if an audience can?
:'''Luna''': How's that gonna happen, dude?
:'''Lincoln''': Leave it to me. You just make sure she's at the Chortle Portal at 8:00. ''[leaves]''
:'''Lana''': ''[to Lisa]'' Can you still put my butt in front?

===''No Spoilers (21.2)''===
:'''Lori''': From now on how would you like to be our official party planner?
:'''Leni''': ''[claps excitedly]'' Yay! Thanks, you guys. ''[to her father]'' You hear that, Dad? I'm planning your surprise party next! But don't worry. I'll send you an invitation. 
:''[Everyone else facepalms from hearing Leni's big spoiler.]''
:'''Red Hemka''': ''[lividly punches Leni on the ground]'' '''GOOD JOB STUPID!!!!''' '''YOU LITERALLY SPOILED ANOTHER SURPRISE LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO!!!!!!!!!!!'''

==Episode 22==
===''Legends (22.1)''===
:'''Stan''': Lasagna, huh? We got on the show by winning five Buff Man competitions in a year.
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Well, congratulations to you both.
:'''Steak''': Yeah, get used to saying that, 'cuz we're gonna stomp your butts!
:'''Stan''': Yeah. You ever see a hammerhead go after a guppy? The shark just gets in there, ''[roaring and chomping]''!
:'''Steak''': Just to be clear, you're the guppy.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lynn Sr.''': What do you think those guys had for breakfast, Jerk Chicken?
:'''Lincoln''': Zing! Good one, Dad! ''[they laugh]''
===''Mall of Duty (22.2)''===
:''[They come back]''
:'''Lincoln''': Thanks again.
:'''Tough guy''': ''[stops the kids, revealing his rude nature]'' Excuse me? I've never seen you before! Of course, my eyes are pretty swollen from these hives, so...
:'''Lincoln''': I'm really sorry about that.
:''[Tough guy refuses to accept his apology]''
:'''Tough guy''': ''[angrily banishes Lincoln]'' Back of the line, pal!
:'''Lincoln''': But the line's, like, twice as long now!
:''[Tough guy doesn’t listen to him anymore. The girls groan in frustration and they all go back to the increasingly long line, disappointed of a rude man]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': ''[sees a bunch of kids looking at Lola who is sitting on a throne]'' Lola, playtime's over. We gotta go.
:'''Lola''': That's no way to speak to your queen! Send him to the dungeon!
:'''Lincoln''': ''[about to be attacked]'' Lola, wait! I just came to tell you, uh... there's another queen outside who says she's more powerful than you.
:'''Lola''': What? Well, I'll have her head! ''[they charge out of the store and find nothing]'' There's no one here! You lied! Well played, sir.
:'''Lincoln''': Let's move out.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': ''[finds some bones]'' Aha! I found another D: Diet!
:'''Lucy''': Lincoln, that's not human food.
:'''Lincoln''': It is if the human is:
:'''Lincoln, Lisa, Lucy, and Lola''': ''[notices the pet shop nearby]'' Lana.

==Episode 23==
===''Read Aloud (23.1)''===
:'''Librarian Wetta''': ''[sees Lisa's fake disguise]'' You look familiar!
:'''Lisa''': Oh, uh, ''[fake Texan accent]'' No, ma'am. I'm brand new to these here parts.
:'''Librarian Wetta''': Hmm...I swear I've seen you somewhere before. ''[sees the Loud family with a mountain of books to check out]'' Emilio, I'm gonna need backup.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Librarian Wetta''': Get back here!
:''[the family looks out the window and notices that Lisa is running away from Librarian Wetta]''
:'''Lisa''': You'll never catch me Wetta!
:'''Librarian Wetta''': You owe me $50,000!
===''Not a Loud (23.2)''===
:'''Clyde''': Alan could open doors with his mind. Let's see what you've got.
:''[Lincoln tries opening the door using mind powers, and after a few seconds, it does open]''
:'''Lincoln and Clyde''': It worked!
:'''Lana''': ''[turns out she opened it]'' I'd give it a minute before going in there. Whew!
:'''Clyde''': Well, scratch that. The next test is the ability to regenerate lost limbs. Do you have a stick you could bite on?
:'''Lincoln''': Clyde, I think it's pretty obvious I'm not an alien.
==''Tricked! (Episode 24)''==
:''[The boys run off in their direction. On the intersection of Franklin and Olive, kids are out trick-or-treating as Lincoln and Clyde arrive, but they hear Hank and Hawk laughing and hide in the bush.]''
:'''Hank''': Franklin Avenue. Ha! Score!
:''[He and Hawk put on disturbing baby masks, evil laugh, and head down Lincoln's street to have revenge. The boys pop out as soon as they leave.]''
:'''Clyde''': ''[terrified]'' Boy, those baby masks sure are creepy.
:'''Lincoln''': Yeah. But little do they know where the real score is. Right, buddy?
:'''Clyde''': I can't wait to tell Dr. Lopez about this. But should I tell her in group, or wait for our one-on-one?
:'''Lincoln''': Definitely group. You might inspire someone.
:''[They head off to the manor.]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hawk''': Let's get 'em!
:''[They leap out of the treehouse to be ready for their another revenge and chases Clincoln McCloud. The boys climb over a log, but the stinkers plow right through it. The boys hop over stones on a lake, but the stinkers charge on top of the water. The boys cross another log acting as a bridge, and when the stinkers try, their combined weight breaks the bridge, making them fall, scream, and climb up with their bare hands. Soon, they arrive back into town.]''
:'''Hawk''': ''[stops in pain]'' Ugh, stomach cramps!
:'''Hank''': Aw, man! If you get a cramp, I'll get a cramp.
:'''Clyde''': ''[looking back]'' I think we're losing them! ''[realizes]'' Oh, wait. We don't wanna lose them!
:'''Lincoln''': Let's just jog in place.
:''[They do so]''
:'''Hawk''': I'm okay!
:'''Lincoln''': Go!
:''[The chase resumes all the way to the corn maze with the stinkers' evil grin once again as they getting ready to kill the boys and they rush in.]''
:'''Hank''': They're ours now.
:''[Lincoln and Clyde duck into a few corn plants and lose them.]''
:'''Clyde''': It worked! We got them in here.
:'''Lincoln''': As Winston Churchill once said, 'Never, never, never give up.' ''[Clyde looks at him all ecstatically.]'' I felt bad, so while we were jogging in place, I glanced at the study guide.
:''[The stinkers are still looking for the boys.]''
:'''Hawk''': ''[a little scared]'' It's really dark in here.
:'''Hank''': Man up, bro! I want that candy. ''[notices the lights turning off]'' What's that?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lincoln and Clyde are giving out the full-size bars they got to the kids to make up for being robbed by the stinkers.]'
:'''Ballerina girl''': Trick or treat!
:''[Lincoln gives her one]''
:'''Clyde''': Here you go.
:'''Harry Potter boy''': Trick or treat!
:'''Lincoln''': ''[gives him one]'' And here you go.
:'''Robot kid''': ''[in a faux metallic voice]'' TRICK OR TREAT.
:''[Lincoln gives him one and the younger sisters are next.]'
:'''Lola, Lana and Lisa''': Trick or treat!
:''[Lincoln gives each of them one.]''
:'''Lola'': Ooh!
:'''Lana''': Full-size candy bars? No way!
:'''Lisa''': Wow. Where did you acquire these magnificent specimens?
:'''Lincoln''': It's a long story. Let's just say next Halloween, we have a great place to take you guys trick-or-treating.
:'''Clyde''': You'll just need a British accent.
:''[The sisters run off and a boy as a mummy comes up next.]''
:'''Mummy boy''': Trick or treat!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lynn Loud, Sr.''': ''[screams]'' I HATE HALLOWEEN!

==Episode 25==
===''The Crying Dame (25.1)''===
:'''Lola''': Three nights of torture! I cannot lose any more beauty sleep!
:'''Leni''': I was so tired last night; I fell asleep in the middle of cutting Lori's hair.
:'''Lori''': What?! ''[looks at her reflection on a frying pan and discovers a huge bald spot on the back of her head]'' Aaaah!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Lola''': I finally got some beauty sleep. Oh yeah! I am back!
:'''Leni''': I slept so well, I got up early and made Lori these extensions. Now I just need a stapler.
:'''Lori''': ''[nervously grabs them]'' I'll take it from here!
===''Anti-Social (25.2)''===
:'''Lori''': Uh, guys, is this all reminding you of anyone?
:'''Lincoln''': ''[gasps]'' Holy moly! We literally turned Dad into us! ''[Leni screams]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mr. Loud and Luna are jamming in the garage when he leans over to Mr. Grouse's window and sees him ordering socks online]''
:'''Luna''': ''[rings his bell in his ear]'' Oops, you did it again. No looking at devices, Dad. Not even Mr. Grouse's.
:'''Lynn Sr.''': But he just got a really good deal on socks.
==Episode 26==
===''Snow Way Out (26.1)''===
:'''Flip''': ''[gets his burgers]'' Come to Flippy!
:'''Lana''': ''[Crossing her fingers]''No wrapper! No wrapper! No wrapper!
:'''Flip''': Dang it! All losers!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Flip''': Hey, Blippity Fletchman! She may have fixed your car, but I'm the one who brought her here. How about a little something for me?
:'''Bobbie Fletcher''': Coming right up, pal. ''[revs up her engine and speeds off, blasting some snow all over Flip]''

===''Snow Way Down (26.2)''===
:'''Lincoln''': ''[out in the snowy hills]'' Pilot to co-pilot, we are ready for launch! ''[he and Clyde about to go down when Clyde's Dads appear at the base]''
:'''Howard and Harold''': Ah, ah!
:''[the trees have mattresses tied to them]''
:'''Howard''': Good thing we found that clearance sale on mattresses.
:'''Harold''': ''[wrapping Lincoln and Clyde up in bubble wrap]'' And on bubble wrap. Now we're good.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Clyde''': Guys! I'm here!
:'''Harold''': Clyde! Did you call the ranger?
:'''Clyde''': I did, but I got his voicemail!
:'''Howard''': What?! Harold, our next vacation is [[wikipedia:Chicago|Chicago]], not the sticks!

==External links==
{{DEFAULTSORT:Loud House}}

[[Category:Children's television seasons]]
[[Category:The Loud House seasons]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Abul Hasan Ali Hasani Nadwi</title>
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        <id>3127556</id>
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      <comment>/* Quotes */Add a new quote</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
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      <text bytes="2913" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Abul Hasan Ali Hasani Nadwi|Abul Hasan Ali Hasani Nadwi]]''' (24 November 1914 - 31 December 1999) also spelt '''Abul Hasan Ali al Hasani an Nadvi'''  (affectionately 'Ali Miyan')  was an Indian, [[Islamic scholar]], and author of over fifty books in various languages.
{{author-stub}}

== Quotes ==
*The Musalmans of Hindustan (and) Musalmans of the whole world were looking to Pakistan with hope and longing eyes for guidance and help. Indian Muslims were also affected by whatever was happening in Pakistan or any other Muslim country. Indian Muslims were greatly pained at the defeat of Pakistan in 1971.
**Karachi in July 1978 at the First Islamic Asian Conference. Addressing the delegates of the Conference. Quoted from Lal, K. S. (1999). Theory and practice of Muslim state in India. New Delhi: Aditya Prakashan. Chapter 6

*If you make Muslims one hundred per cent mindful of their supererogatory prayers, making them all very pious, but leave them cut off from the wider environment, ignorant of where the country is heading and of how hatred is being stirred up in the country against them, then, leave alone the supererogatory prayers, it will soon become impossible for Muslims to say even their ﬁve daily prayers. If you make Muslims strangers in their own land, blind them to social realities and cause them to remain indifferent to the radical changes taking place in the country and the new laws that are being imposed and the new ideas that are ruling people’s hearts and minds, then let alone [acquiring] leadership [of the country], it will become difﬁcult for Muslims to even ensure their own existence.
**in Muhammad Naﬁs Hasan, ''Meri Tamam Sarguzasht: Sayyed Abul Hasan ‘Ali Nadwi'' (Delhi: 2000), p:35

*Cow slaughter in India is a great Islamic practice—(said) Mujaddid Alaf Saani II. This was his far-sightedness that he described cow slaughter in India as a great Islamic practice. It may not be so in other places. But it is definitely a great Islamic act in India because the cow is worshipped in India. If the Muslims give up cow slaughter here then the danger is that in times to come the coming generations will get convinced of the piety of the cow.
**while addressing Indian and Pakistani pilgrims in Jeddah on 3 April 1986. Maulana Abul Hasan All Nadwi, Zimmedarian aur Ahl-e-watan ke Haquq, Majlis Tehqiqaat o’ Nashrat Islam, Lucknow, 1986. quoted in  Arun Shourie - The World of Fatwas Or The Sharia in Action (2012, Harper Collins)

* &quot;The fundamental aim and purpose of knowledge is to impart a new life and a new soul to the country and the nation.&quot;
** Abul Hasan Ali Nadwī, ''Tuhfa-e-Kashmir'', Lucknow: Majlis Tehqeeqat-o-Nashriyat-e-Islam, p. 100

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Nadwi, Abul Hasan Ali Hasani}}
[[Category:Philosophers from India]]
[[Category:1914 births]]
[[Category:1999 deaths]]
[[Category:Muslims from India]]</text>
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        <id>3127556</id>
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      <comment>Added a new quote</comment>
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      <text bytes="2897" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Abul Hasan Ali Hasani Nadwi|Abul Hasan Ali Hasani Nadwi]]''' (24 November 1914 - 31 December 1999) also spelt '''Abul Hasan Ali al Hasani an Nadvi'''  (affectionately 'Ali Miyan')  was an Indian, [[Islamic scholar]], and author of over fifty books in various languages.

== Quotes ==
*The Musalmans of Hindustan (and) Musalmans of the whole world were looking to Pakistan with hope and longing eyes for guidance and help. Indian Muslims were also affected by whatever was happening in Pakistan or any other Muslim country. Indian Muslims were greatly pained at the defeat of Pakistan in 1971.
**Karachi in July 1978 at the First Islamic Asian Conference. Addressing the delegates of the Conference. Quoted from Lal, K. S. (1999). Theory and practice of Muslim state in India. New Delhi: Aditya Prakashan. Chapter 6

*If you make Muslims one hundred per cent mindful of their supererogatory prayers, making them all very pious, but leave them cut off from the wider environment, ignorant of where the country is heading and of how hatred is being stirred up in the country against them, then, leave alone the supererogatory prayers, it will soon become impossible for Muslims to say even their ﬁve daily prayers. If you make Muslims strangers in their own land, blind them to social realities and cause them to remain indifferent to the radical changes taking place in the country and the new laws that are being imposed and the new ideas that are ruling people’s hearts and minds, then let alone [acquiring] leadership [of the country], it will become difﬁcult for Muslims to even ensure their own existence.
**in Muhammad Naﬁs Hasan, ''Meri Tamam Sarguzasht: Sayyed Abul Hasan ‘Ali Nadwi'' (Delhi: 2000), p:35

*Cow slaughter in India is a great Islamic practice—(said) Mujaddid Alaf Saani II. This was his far-sightedness that he described cow slaughter in India as a great Islamic practice. It may not be so in other places. But it is definitely a great Islamic act in India because the cow is worshipped in India. If the Muslims give up cow slaughter here then the danger is that in times to come the coming generations will get convinced of the piety of the cow.
**while addressing Indian and Pakistani pilgrims in Jeddah on 3 April 1986. Maulana Abul Hasan All Nadwi, Zimmedarian aur Ahl-e-watan ke Haquq, Majlis Tehqiqaat o’ Nashrat Islam, Lucknow, 1986. quoted in  Arun Shourie - The World of Fatwas Or The Sharia in Action (2012, Harper Collins)

* &quot;The fundamental aim and purpose of knowledge is to impart a new life and a new soul to the country and the nation.&quot;
** Abul Hasan Ali Nadwī, ''Tuhfa-e-Kashmir'', Lucknow: Majlis Tehqeeqat-o-Nashriyat-e-Islam, p. 100

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Nadwi, Abul Hasan Ali Hasani}}
[[Category:Philosophers from India]]
[[Category:1914 births]]
[[Category:1999 deaths]]
[[Category:Muslims from India]]</text>
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      <text bytes="2897" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Abul Hasan Ali Hasani Nadwi|Abul Hasan Ali Hasani Nadwi]]''' (24 November 1914 - 31 December 1999) also spelt '''Abul Hasan Ali al Hasani an-Nadvi'''  (affectionately 'Ali Miyan')  was an Indian, [[Islamic scholar]], and author of over fifty books in various languages.

== Quotes ==
*The Musalmans of Hindustan (and) Musalmans of the whole world were looking to Pakistan with hope and longing eyes for guidance and help. Indian Muslims were also affected by whatever was happening in Pakistan or any other Muslim country. Indian Muslims were greatly pained at the defeat of Pakistan in 1971.
**Karachi in July 1978 at the First Islamic Asian Conference. Addressing the delegates of the Conference. Quoted from Lal, K. S. (1999). Theory and practice of Muslim state in India. New Delhi: Aditya Prakashan. Chapter 6

*If you make Muslims one hundred per cent mindful of their supererogatory prayers, making them all very pious, but leave them cut off from the wider environment, ignorant of where the country is heading and of how hatred is being stirred up in the country against them, then, leave alone the supererogatory prayers, it will soon become impossible for Muslims to say even their ﬁve daily prayers. If you make Muslims strangers in their own land, blind them to social realities and cause them to remain indifferent to the radical changes taking place in the country and the new laws that are being imposed and the new ideas that are ruling people’s hearts and minds, then let alone [acquiring] leadership [of the country], it will become difﬁcult for Muslims to even ensure their own existence.
**in Muhammad Naﬁs Hasan, ''Meri Tamam Sarguzasht: Sayyed Abul Hasan ‘Ali Nadwi'' (Delhi: 2000), p:35

*Cow slaughter in India is a great Islamic practice—(said) Mujaddid Alaf Saani II. This was his far-sightedness that he described cow slaughter in India as a great Islamic practice. It may not be so in other places. But it is definitely a great Islamic act in India because the cow is worshipped in India. If the Muslims give up cow slaughter here then the danger is that in times to come the coming generations will get convinced of the piety of the cow.
**while addressing Indian and Pakistani pilgrims in Jeddah on 3 April 1986. Maulana Abul Hasan All Nadwi, Zimmedarian aur Ahl-e-watan ke Haquq, Majlis Tehqiqaat o’ Nashrat Islam, Lucknow, 1986. quoted in  Arun Shourie - The World of Fatwas Or The Sharia in Action (2012, Harper Collins)

* &quot;The fundamental aim and purpose of knowledge is to impart a new life and a new soul to the country and the nation.&quot;
** Abul Hasan Ali Nadwī, ''Tuhfa-e-Kashmir'', Lucknow: Majlis Tehqeeqat-o-Nashriyat-e-Islam, p. 100

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Nadwi, Abul Hasan Ali Hasani}}
[[Category:Philosophers from India]]
[[Category:1914 births]]
[[Category:1999 deaths]]
[[Category:Muslims from India]]</text>
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        <username>Muntaqibah</username>
        <id>3127556</id>
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      <comment>/* Quotes */Added a new quote</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="3244" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Abul Hasan Ali Hasani Nadwi|Abul Hasan Ali Hasani Nadwi]]''' (24 November 1914 - 31 December 1999) also spelt '''Abul Hasan Ali al Hasani an-Nadvi'''  (affectionately 'Ali Miyan')  was an Indian, [[Islamic scholar]], and author of over fifty books in various languages.

== Quotes ==
*The Musalmans of Hindustan (and) Musalmans of the whole world were looking to Pakistan with hope and longing eyes for guidance and help. Indian Muslims were also affected by whatever was happening in Pakistan or any other Muslim country. Indian Muslims were greatly pained at the defeat of Pakistan in 1971.
**Karachi in July 1978 at the First Islamic Asian Conference. Addressing the delegates of the Conference. Quoted from Lal, K. S. (1999). Theory and practice of Muslim state in India. New Delhi: Aditya Prakashan. Chapter 6

*If you make Muslims one hundred per cent mindful of their supererogatory prayers, making them all very pious, but leave them cut off from the wider environment, ignorant of where the country is heading and of how hatred is being stirred up in the country against them, then, leave alone the supererogatory prayers, it will soon become impossible for Muslims to say even their ﬁve daily prayers. If you make Muslims strangers in their own land, blind them to social realities and cause them to remain indifferent to the radical changes taking place in the country and the new laws that are being imposed and the new ideas that are ruling people’s hearts and minds, then let alone [acquiring] leadership [of the country], it will become difﬁcult for Muslims to even ensure their own existence.
**in Muhammad Naﬁs Hasan, ''Meri Tamam Sarguzasht: Sayyed Abul Hasan ‘Ali Nadwi'' (Delhi: 2000), p:35

*Cow slaughter in India is a great Islamic practice—(said) Mujaddid Alaf Saani II. This was his far-sightedness that he described cow slaughter in India as a great Islamic practice. It may not be so in other places. But it is definitely a great Islamic act in India because the cow is worshipped in India. If the Muslims give up cow slaughter here then the danger is that in times to come the coming generations will get convinced of the piety of the cow.
**while addressing Indian and Pakistani pilgrims in Jeddah on 3 April 1986. Maulana Abul Hasan All Nadwi, Zimmedarian aur Ahl-e-watan ke Haquq, Majlis Tehqiqaat o’ Nashrat Islam, Lucknow, 1986. quoted in  Arun Shourie - The World of Fatwas Or The Sharia in Action (2012, Harper Collins)

* &quot;The fundamental aim and purpose of knowledge is to impart a new life and a new soul to the country and the nation.&quot;
** Abul Hasan Ali Nadwī, ''Tuhfa-e-Kashmir'', Lucknow: Majlis Tehqeeqat-o-Nashriyat-e-Islam, p. 100

* &quot;The real success of a university lies in moulding the personality of its scholars in a way and giving such citizens to the society who do not put themselves up to auction nor can be lured away by a destructive ideology or misguided movement.&quot;
** Abul Hasan Ali Nadwī, ''Tuhfa-e-Kashmir'', Lucknow: Majlis Tehqeeqat-o-Nashriyat-e-Islam, p. 99

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Nadwi, Abul Hasan Ali Hasani}}
[[Category:Philosophers from India]]
[[Category:1914 births]]
[[Category:1999 deaths]]
[[Category:Muslims from India]]</text>
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      <comment>/* Quotes */Added a new quote</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="3504" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Abul Hasan Ali Hasani Nadwi|Abul Hasan Ali Hasani Nadwi]]''' (24 November 1914 - 31 December 1999) also spelt '''Abul Hasan Ali al Hasani an-Nadvi'''  (affectionately 'Ali Miyan')  was an Indian, [[Islamic scholar]], and author of over fifty books in various languages.

== Quotes ==
*The Musalmans of Hindustan (and) Musalmans of the whole world were looking to Pakistan with hope and longing eyes for guidance and help. Indian Muslims were also affected by whatever was happening in Pakistan or any other Muslim country. Indian Muslims were greatly pained at the defeat of Pakistan in 1971.
**Karachi in July 1978 at the First Islamic Asian Conference. Addressing the delegates of the Conference. Quoted from Lal, K. S. (1999). Theory and practice of Muslim state in India. New Delhi: Aditya Prakashan. Chapter 6

*If you make Muslims one hundred per cent mindful of their supererogatory prayers, making them all very pious, but leave them cut off from the wider environment, ignorant of where the country is heading and of how hatred is being stirred up in the country against them, then, leave alone the supererogatory prayers, it will soon become impossible for Muslims to say even their ﬁve daily prayers. If you make Muslims strangers in their own land, blind them to social realities and cause them to remain indifferent to the radical changes taking place in the country and the new laws that are being imposed and the new ideas that are ruling people’s hearts and minds, then let alone [acquiring] leadership [of the country], it will become difﬁcult for Muslims to even ensure their own existence.
**in Muhammad Naﬁs Hasan, ''Meri Tamam Sarguzasht: Sayyed Abul Hasan ‘Ali Nadwi'' (Delhi: 2000), p:35

*Cow slaughter in India is a great Islamic practice—(said) Mujaddid Alaf Saani II. This was his far-sightedness that he described cow slaughter in India as a great Islamic practice. It may not be so in other places. But it is definitely a great Islamic act in India because the cow is worshipped in India. If the Muslims give up cow slaughter here then the danger is that in times to come the coming generations will get convinced of the piety of the cow.
**while addressing Indian and Pakistani pilgrims in Jeddah on 3 April 1986. Maulana Abul Hasan All Nadwi, Zimmedarian aur Ahl-e-watan ke Haquq, Majlis Tehqiqaat o’ Nashrat Islam, Lucknow, 1986. quoted in  Arun Shourie - The World of Fatwas Or The Sharia in Action (2012, Harper Collins)

* &quot;The fundamental aim and purpose of knowledge is to impart a new life and a new soul to the country and the nation.&quot;
** Abul Hasan Ali Nadwī, ''Tuhfa-e-Kashmir'', Lucknow: Majlis Tehqeeqat-o-Nashriyat-e-Islam, p. 100

* &quot;The real success of a university lies in moulding the personality of its scholars in a way and giving such citizens to the society who do not put themselves up to auction nor can be lured away by a destructive ideology or misguided movement.&quot;
** Abul Hasan Ali Nadwī, ''Tuhfa-e-Kashmir'', Lucknow: Majlis Tehqeeqat-o-Nashriyat-e-Islam, p. 99

* &quot;Knowledge is one and indivisible, and to separate it into parts, into ancient and modern, eastern and western, and ideological and practical is incorrect.&quot;
** Abul Hasan Ali Nadwī, ''Tuhfa-e-Kashmir'', Lucknow: Majlis Tehqeeqat-o-Nashriyat-e-Islam, p. 94

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Nadwi, Abul Hasan Ali Hasani}}
[[Category:Philosophers from India]]
[[Category:1914 births]]
[[Category:1999 deaths]]
[[Category:Muslims from India]]</text>
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      <comment>+ Authority control</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="3525" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Abul Hasan Ali Hasani Nadwi|Abul Hasan Ali Hasani Nadwi]]''' (24 November 1914 - 31 December 1999) also spelt '''Abul Hasan Ali al Hasani an-Nadvi'''  (affectionately 'Ali Miyan')  was an Indian, [[Islamic scholar]], and author of over fifty books in various languages.

== Quotes ==
*The Musalmans of Hindustan (and) Musalmans of the whole world were looking to Pakistan with hope and longing eyes for guidance and help. Indian Muslims were also affected by whatever was happening in Pakistan or any other Muslim country. Indian Muslims were greatly pained at the defeat of Pakistan in 1971.
**Karachi in July 1978 at the First Islamic Asian Conference. Addressing the delegates of the Conference. Quoted from Lal, K. S. (1999). Theory and practice of Muslim state in India. New Delhi: Aditya Prakashan. Chapter 6

*If you make Muslims one hundred per cent mindful of their supererogatory prayers, making them all very pious, but leave them cut off from the wider environment, ignorant of where the country is heading and of how hatred is being stirred up in the country against them, then, leave alone the supererogatory prayers, it will soon become impossible for Muslims to say even their ﬁve daily prayers. If you make Muslims strangers in their own land, blind them to social realities and cause them to remain indifferent to the radical changes taking place in the country and the new laws that are being imposed and the new ideas that are ruling people’s hearts and minds, then let alone [acquiring] leadership [of the country], it will become difﬁcult for Muslims to even ensure their own existence.
**in Muhammad Naﬁs Hasan, ''Meri Tamam Sarguzasht: Sayyed Abul Hasan ‘Ali Nadwi'' (Delhi: 2000), p:35

*Cow slaughter in India is a great Islamic practice—(said) Mujaddid Alaf Saani II. This was his far-sightedness that he described cow slaughter in India as a great Islamic practice. It may not be so in other places. But it is definitely a great Islamic act in India because the cow is worshipped in India. If the Muslims give up cow slaughter here then the danger is that in times to come the coming generations will get convinced of the piety of the cow.
**while addressing Indian and Pakistani pilgrims in Jeddah on 3 April 1986. Maulana Abul Hasan All Nadwi, Zimmedarian aur Ahl-e-watan ke Haquq, Majlis Tehqiqaat o’ Nashrat Islam, Lucknow, 1986. quoted in  Arun Shourie - The World of Fatwas Or The Sharia in Action (2012, Harper Collins)

* &quot;The fundamental aim and purpose of knowledge is to impart a new life and a new soul to the country and the nation.&quot;
** Abul Hasan Ali Nadwī, ''Tuhfa-e-Kashmir'', Lucknow: Majlis Tehqeeqat-o-Nashriyat-e-Islam, p. 100

* &quot;The real success of a university lies in moulding the personality of its scholars in a way and giving such citizens to the society who do not put themselves up to auction nor can be lured away by a destructive ideology or misguided movement.&quot;
** Abul Hasan Ali Nadwī, ''Tuhfa-e-Kashmir'', Lucknow: Majlis Tehqeeqat-o-Nashriyat-e-Islam, p. 99

* &quot;Knowledge is one and indivisible, and to separate it into parts, into ancient and modern, eastern and western, and ideological and practical is incorrect.&quot;
** Abul Hasan Ali Nadwī, ''Tuhfa-e-Kashmir'', Lucknow: Majlis Tehqeeqat-o-Nashriyat-e-Islam, p. 94

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
{{Authority control}}
{{DEFAULTSORT:Nadwi, Abul Hasan Ali Hasani}}
[[Category:Philosophers from India]]
[[Category:1914 births]]
[[Category:1999 deaths]]
[[Category:Muslims from India]]</text>
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  <page>
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[[File:I Am Weasel logo.jpg|thumb|I am Weasel!]]
'''''[[w:I Am Weasel|I Am Weasel]]''''' is an American [[w:List of animated television series|animated television series]] created by [[w:David Feiss|David Feiss]] for [[w:Cartoon Network|Cartoon Network]], at the studio of [[w:Hanna-Barbera|Hanna-Barbera]], being the fourth of the network's [[w:Cartoon Cartoons|Cartoon Cartoons]]. The series centers on I. M. Weasel, a smart, beloved and highly successful weasel, and I. R. Baboon, an unsuccessful, unintelligent baboon who is jealous of Weasel's success and constantly tries to upstage him, usually failing to do so.

==Theme song==
:'''[[w:April March|April March]]''': ''♪ You don't need pants for the victory dance ♪''
:''♪ Cuz Baboon's better than Weasel ♪''
:''♪ I R Baboon big star of cartoon ♪''
:'''I.M Weasel''': I am Weasel.
:''[The fans are cheering for I.M Weasel. I.M Weasel fixes the old lady's neck, gives her a thumbs up and flees away]''
:'''[[w:April March|April March]]''': ''♪ I.R. Baboon reigns king in his mind ♪''
:''♪ He's just as good as the weasely kind ♪''
:''♪ But round every corner he's likely to find ♪''
:''[The car hits I.R. Baboon]''
:'''I.M Weasel''': I am Weasel, I am Weasel, I am Weasel!

==I.M. Weasel==
*  I am not a baby. I am Weasel.
* ''[about I.R. Baboon]'' This poor idiotic creature. No wonder they're going the way of the dodo.
* ''[to the Red Guy]'' Big Butt? You're not Big Butt!

==I.R. Baboon==
* I.R. Baboon astronaut, working NASA astronaut, I.R. bump the clouds so high like an astronaut in the sky. ''[I.R. bumps into a golden Weasel statue]''
* ''[angry]'' Indiginity this, I.R. so close. Next time I show Weasel. ''[changes to an happy tone]'' I.R. make theme park on Sun. Come to Baboonworld, ride solar flare with I.R. Baboon! ''[I.R. Baboon laughs and pulls a raspberry]''
* ''[holding the baby]'' I.R. name you after grandpa of I.R. Baboon. Hello, Baby Grandpa!

==Others==
:'''The Red Guy''': ''[to Cow]'' Hope you don't milk the bed, pumpkin!
:'''Oscar''': That was increeedible, Weasel! Your performance was... raw, ''poooowerful''! ''[He squeals with delight]''

==Dialogue==
:'''I.R. Baboon''': ''[looks at chief]'' Wait minute... wouldn't that be dangerous mission go to sun? I.R. Have sensitive skin... And hate rash.
:'''Head of Mission''': Don't worry. We'll conduct the mission at night!
:'''I.R. Baboon''': Oooh! I your man! I.R. Baboon- First astronaut on sun!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Admiral Bullets''': Hey Head Nanny Weasel what do I do? The future seventy third president is starting to draw flies.
:'''I.M. Weasel''': Relax Admiral Bullets I'll just change his diaper.
:'''Admiral Bullets''': Like you changed mine! Good idea!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''I.M. Weasel''': ''[to I.R. Baboon]'' You?!? What are you doing here?!?
:'''I.R. Baboon''': I.R. living here!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mike''': Oh, you're a good cook, Weasel. What do you call the meat?
:'''I.M. Weasel''': Craig, I call the meat, Craig. So, Mike, do you enjoy your work as a cartoon executive?
:'''Mike''': ''[wipes her mouth]'' Yeah, most of the time. But, sometimes my tongue starts to swell saying &quot;no&quot; to the new shows over and over again. ''[sticks her long tongue out]'' See?
:'''I.M Weasel''': Looks like an occupational hazard. ''[holds a glass]'' A milk toast, Mike to your continued success.
:'''Mike''': ''[muffled]'' I guess.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''I.R. Baboon''': Watching this!
:''[I.R.Baboon jumps and breaks the bridge]''
:'''I.R. Baboon''': Ooops...
:'''I.M. Weasel''': Ooops?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[I.R.Baboon leaves. Scene cuts to the three kids watching I.M Weasel fishing]''
:'''Girl with beard''': But how do you eat them?
:'''I.M. Weasel''': You suck
:''[I.M. Weasel drops his fishing rod and starts sucking an orange fish]''

==External Links==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:1990s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American animated TV spin-offs]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Crossover animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Cartoon Network original series]]
[[Category:Cartoon Network Studios]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about mammals]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about monkeys]]
[[Category:Television series by Hanna-Barbera]]</text>
      <sha1>rj2vs3qzvnjc14lc5c6l7znh4z06snm</sha1>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>User talk:Vermont</title>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-11T21:41:43Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>154.160.20.161</ip>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-11T21:43:51Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Antandrus</username>
        <id>237630</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Undo revision 3153700 by [[Special:Contributions/154.160.20.161|154.160.20.161]] ([[User talk:154.160.20.161|talk]]) go away</comment>
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      <text bytes="15002" xml:space="preserve">=== Welcome ===
{{Welcome}} [[User:1997kB|1997kB]] ([[User talk:1997kB|talk]]) 17:50, 14 October 2018 (UTC)

==Admins==
Are there no admins here? Thanks for reverting, but that's only half the work. [[User:Drmies|Drmies]] ([[User talk:Drmies|talk]]) 03:10, 6 December 2018 (UTC)
:{{u|Drmies}} There's 25. I don't believe any are online. I'm currently requesting a global block for the /16 at SRG, and I recommend you email oversight if you haven't already. (stewards oversight, there's no local oversighters) Thanks, [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 03:11, 6 December 2018 (UTC)
::I already have, but they're asleep at the wheel too. This is someone who calls themselves WhenDatHotlineBling, and they've taken an unhealthy interest in me. [[User:Drmies|Drmies]] ([[User talk:Drmies|talk]]) 03:14, 6 December 2018 (UTC)

== Eww ==

You should really link to Central Auth instead of Global user contributions in your user page. Global contribs is terribly clunky. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:31, 11 May 2019 (UTC)
:It links to both. See “accounts in all Wikimedia projects.” [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 14:33, 11 May 2019 (UTC)

== Global lock evasion ==
Hi Vermont. Sorry to bother you. If you have a minute could you explain what global lock evasion is? I am trying to understand [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=%E1%B9%ACh%C4%81nissaro_Bhikkhu&amp;curid=221907&amp;diff=2706504&amp;oldid=2706211 this edit.] Thanks! ~ [[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]] ([[User talk:Peter1c|talk]]) 22:54, 5 December 2019 (UTC)
:Hi [[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]]. Their edits to this project are made in contravention to an active global lock that has been placed on multiple of their accounts and sockpuppets. Their original account was [[User:Risto hot sir]]. Thank you, [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 01:22, 6 December 2019 (UTC)
:: Hi Vermont. Thanks for explaining this. In this case, it seems the edit is an improvement to the page. Is it OK if I redo the additions? Thanks. ~ [[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]] ([[User talk:Peter1c|talk]])
:::It is not a problem, of course, but there is the hope that reverting his edits will deter him from trying to continue to edit. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 14:45, 6 December 2019 (UTC)
::::Makes sense. Is this a permanent block? I wasn't following the proceedings for block of this user. ~ [[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]] ([[User talk:Peter1c|talk]]) 14:51, 6 December 2019 (UTC)
:::::[[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]], it is not necessarily permanent. Many editors whose accounts were formerly locked for crosswiki abuse have been unlocked after successful appeals. However, considering he is actively evading the lock and editing despite it, it is extremely unlikely he will be unlocked. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 16:04, 6 December 2019 (UTC)
::::@Vermont why should wikiqutiens who believe [[User:Risto hot sir]] is doing good work on WQ want to deter this user from contributing? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:33, 22 January 2021 (UTC)
:::::[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]], if your goal is purely to maximize the quantity of &quot;good work&quot; on the English Wikiquote, then you would not want to deter this user from contributing. However, if you cared at all for the dozens of projects that Risto made unconstructive edits on, or the projects whose administrators they ignored and insulted, or the projects where they are blocked from editing, or the basic policies that govern nearly all Wikimedia projects, you would not logically want Risto to contribute. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 00:39, 25 January 2021 (UTC)
::: {{Yo|Peter1c}} Thanks for helping the WQ community understand why someone who is doing constructive work on WQ is globally locked by Stewards who are working to advance what best for the wmf-comunity. More at :[[User_talk:Vermont#&quot;You_cannot_be_an_active_sockmaster_on_5_wikis_and_a_constructive_editor_elsewhere&quot;]] [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:33, 22 January 2021 (UTC)

== Rape of the Sabine women ==

Hello! I removed the image &quot;rape of the Sabine women&quot; because it has nothing to do with sexual slavery. An alternative (and better!) title of the painting is the &quot;abduction of the Sabine women&quot;. --[[Special:Contributions/2001:8003:4085:8100:FC68:B6EB:2842:815E|2001:8003:4085:8100:FC68:B6EB:2842:815E]] 02:44, 13 February 2020 (UTC)
:[[User:2001:8003:4085:8100:FC68:B6EB:2842:815E|2001:8003:4085:8100:FC68:B6EB:2842:815E]], okay. Apologies for reverting your edit; I confused you with a vandal who commonly replaces content with &lt;nowiki&gt;&quot;[[|thumb|]]&quot;&lt;/nowiki&gt;, which makes the edit hard to revert by normal means. I agree that the image you replaced it with is more suitable. Regards, [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 02:52, 13 February 2020 (UTC)

== &quot;You cannot be an active sockmaster on 5 wikis and a constructive editor elsewhere&quot; ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}},
I came here to try to quietly iron out the statement you made publicly elsewhere on WQ, but it appears that other wikiquotiens (or wikiquoters?) have already [[User_talk:Vermont#Global_lock_evasion|beat me to it]]. Since this is your talk-page I wonder if you have a preference of where to discusse it? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:08, 18 January 2021 (UTC)
:This is an okay place to discuss it. What about my statement do you want to discuss? [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 17:19, 18 January 2021 (UTC)
:: re: You cannot be an active sockmaster on 5 wikis and a constructive editor elsewhere
:::You have made this statement which appears to be shared by other admins/bureaucrats/global-admins/stewards/patrollers/developers (did I miss any title?) across the  wmf-universe, I think? However, at least on WQ it appears there are some &quot;regular editors&quot; who do not share this view. Was the topic discussed and agreed upon somewhere, so that regular users can understand the rationale behind this sweeping statement? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:41, 18 January 2021 (UTC)
::::I am not sure if it was discussed anywhere, but it is a matter of fact rather than an opinion. If someone is disruptively editing on multiple projects, we cannot permit them to continue disruptively editing globally because one or a handful of projects find their additions acceptable. To do so would mean one could vandalize dozens of projects while making good edits on a handful of projects, and avoid a lock. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 22:20, 18 January 2021 (UTC)
::::: @Vermont,why have changed the topic of this discussion? I did not ask about editors who edit disruptively and vandalize, I asked about sockmasters who according to [[Wikiquote:Administrators%27_noticeboard#Statement_by_Vermont|your statement]] cannot be  constructive on projects where they have not been actively blocked. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:16, 22 January 2021 (UTC)

In reality it is 150,000 useful edits on hundreds of wikis and only a handful problematic projects. Better arguments needed!
:@anon: I think the statement you are making is that [[User:Risto hot sir]] made 150,000 edits that are useful for the wmf-community, but was blocked by a handful of problematic wmf-projects? Just trying to paraphrase. Please correct if you disagree. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:16, 22 January 2021 (UTC)

== Risto ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}},

I saw your post  at [[User talk:AmandaNP]] and since this matter concerns you more than the other stewards of the wmf, I came here to ask a simple question, rather than to relitigate a saga that has been going on since 2019.

What steps should Risto take to have their locked status removed? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:35, 18 May 2022 (UTC)

:I forgot to mention that I would appreciate being pinged when you answer. Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:37, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
::[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]], &quot;stewards of the wmf&quot; is not a thing. Stewards are elected by the community. The WMF is not involved in those processes. This has been explained to you multiple times, and you continue to say variations of that, for reasons I cannot discern. 
::As for Risto, if they would stop evading their blocks/locks for 6-12 months and would send in an appeal to the Stewards, that can be discussed with them. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 13:07, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
:::Are you saying that users who are suspected of sockpuppeering must wait 6-12 months before they are permitted to appeal? BTW thank you for pinging me. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:57, 19 May 2022 (UTC)
::::[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]], it's difficult to believe the sincerity of an appeal when the last time that person evaded a block/lock was yesterday. Refraining from evading blocks/locks for a period of time is a show of good faith and sincerity, and weighs heavily on the possibility of an appeal. It is not a set rule or by any means a guarantee of a successful appeal, but it is generally the advice we give people. After that period, when we know the user intends to return and follow community policy, we can discuss the issues that led to the block/locks. Also, it's not &quot;suspected&quot; in this case, it is quite clear. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 17:26, 19 May 2022 (UTC)
:::::How important is it in your opinion to show good faith and sincerity in comparison to, say, AGF? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 13:02, 20 May 2022 (UTC)
::::::As in, should we just trust that someone is not going to abuse Wikimedia projects after having done so for over three years, rather than expecting that they would put the minor amount of effort to ''stop'' for a few months prior to appealing? No...in my opinion the burden is on the person who has demonstrably caused problems for years to prove that allowing them to return to the community would not result in the same problems. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 16:34, 20 May 2022 (UTC)
===Is Risto banned or globally locked on Wikimedia projects===
@{{PAGENAME}}: Before  [[User:Risto hot sir]] became  a sock they contributed 40K edits to enwq. It is not clear why they were blocked in the first place. Was Risto globally-banned or  globally-locked? Risto's [https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Special:CentralAuth/Risto_hot_sir Global account information] indicates that risto was locked by steward/[[User:Wim_b]]. However, it has been implied and also outright stated by Global sysop/user:Praxidicae that Risto has been banned. So which is it: banned or locked?
Please don't forget to ping me. Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 02:16, 24 May 2022 (UTC)

:[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]], it is a global lock, not a ban. In the months leading up to the lock, Risto decided to try and increase their edit count by finding images and adding them to articles in dozens of languages which they do not speak. Though in some cases this was accepted by the local communities, in others the images were out of place or disruptive. Whenever Risto was asked to stop, they would quickly become uncivil and rude, and they were blocked on multiple projects for their behavior. Shortly after, Risto started creating other accounts to evade those blocks. Block evasion on multiple projects is cross-wiki abuse, and a lock was imposed. Risto was asked to stop multiple times on multiple projects prior to the lock, and never adjusted their pattern. If they had not continued creating new accounts, and had appealed and agreed to stop editing projects where they don’t know the language or where the local community doesn’t want them to, they could very well be editing freely right now. But instead we’ve had three years of lock and block evasion. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 11:38, 24 May 2022 (UTC)
::@Vermont, thanks for confirming that Risto was not banned but merely locked out of wikimedia projects. I think what you are saying is that Risto was locked because someone suspected risto of socking? If so, are all suspected socks automatically locked out of wmf-projects, or are there others who go through a different process? Thanks for pinging me. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 11:05, 25 May 2022 (UTC)
:::[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]]. Again, no. Risto is not “suspected” to have been socking. ''Risto has been evading blocks with sockpuppets for over three years.'' Sockpuppets are locked when found. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 12:26, 25 May 2022 (UTC)
::::are there other sockpuppeteers  who go through a different process? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:42, 25 May 2022 (UTC)
:::::Not really...if someone is locked, and they create an account to evade the lock, that one will be locked too. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 13:55, 25 May 2022 (UTC)
::::::@Vermont, sorry it appears my previous question was not properly phrased. Let me try again:
::::::You said this in regard to Risto: &lt;blockquote&gt;  If they had not continued creating new accounts, and had appealed and agreed to stop editing projects where they don’t know the language or where the local community doesn’t want them to, they could very well be editing freely right now&lt;/blockquote&gt;
::::::So I assume that you believe the reason Risto was globally-locked is that they were determined to be a '''sock-master''' on several wmf-projects?  If so my question is: are there other wmf-editors who were blocked on some individual projects, but who were not globally-locked as a result? Did these other wmf-editors go through a different Global process? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 15:32, 25 May 2022 (UTC)
:::::::There are tons of editors blocked on individual projects and not locked, and many blocked on multiple projects and not locked. However, cross-wiki abuse is not simply being blocked on multiple projects. In this case, Risto was only locked after evading blocks on 4 or so projects. Appealing local blocks is not a global process, and each project has their own processes for that. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 15:40, 25 May 2022 (UTC)</text>
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      <comment>Reverted edit by [[User:95.169.231.108|95.169.231.108]] ([[User talk:95.169.231.108|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/95.169.231.108|contributions]]) to last version by Antandrus</comment>
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      <text bytes="15002" xml:space="preserve">=== Welcome ===
{{Welcome}} [[User:1997kB|1997kB]] ([[User talk:1997kB|talk]]) 17:50, 14 October 2018 (UTC)

==Admins==
Are there no admins here? Thanks for reverting, but that's only half the work. [[User:Drmies|Drmies]] ([[User talk:Drmies|talk]]) 03:10, 6 December 2018 (UTC)
:{{u|Drmies}} There's 25. I don't believe any are online. I'm currently requesting a global block for the /16 at SRG, and I recommend you email oversight if you haven't already. (stewards oversight, there's no local oversighters) Thanks, [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 03:11, 6 December 2018 (UTC)
::I already have, but they're asleep at the wheel too. This is someone who calls themselves WhenDatHotlineBling, and they've taken an unhealthy interest in me. [[User:Drmies|Drmies]] ([[User talk:Drmies|talk]]) 03:14, 6 December 2018 (UTC)

== Eww ==

You should really link to Central Auth instead of Global user contributions in your user page. Global contribs is terribly clunky. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:31, 11 May 2019 (UTC)
:It links to both. See “accounts in all Wikimedia projects.” [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 14:33, 11 May 2019 (UTC)

== Global lock evasion ==
Hi Vermont. Sorry to bother you. If you have a minute could you explain what global lock evasion is? I am trying to understand [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=%E1%B9%ACh%C4%81nissaro_Bhikkhu&amp;curid=221907&amp;diff=2706504&amp;oldid=2706211 this edit.] Thanks! ~ [[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]] ([[User talk:Peter1c|talk]]) 22:54, 5 December 2019 (UTC)
:Hi [[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]]. Their edits to this project are made in contravention to an active global lock that has been placed on multiple of their accounts and sockpuppets. Their original account was [[User:Risto hot sir]]. Thank you, [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 01:22, 6 December 2019 (UTC)
:: Hi Vermont. Thanks for explaining this. In this case, it seems the edit is an improvement to the page. Is it OK if I redo the additions? Thanks. ~ [[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]] ([[User talk:Peter1c|talk]])
:::It is not a problem, of course, but there is the hope that reverting his edits will deter him from trying to continue to edit. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 14:45, 6 December 2019 (UTC)
::::Makes sense. Is this a permanent block? I wasn't following the proceedings for block of this user. ~ [[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]] ([[User talk:Peter1c|talk]]) 14:51, 6 December 2019 (UTC)
:::::[[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]], it is not necessarily permanent. Many editors whose accounts were formerly locked for crosswiki abuse have been unlocked after successful appeals. However, considering he is actively evading the lock and editing despite it, it is extremely unlikely he will be unlocked. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 16:04, 6 December 2019 (UTC)
::::@Vermont why should wikiqutiens who believe [[User:Risto hot sir]] is doing good work on WQ want to deter this user from contributing? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:33, 22 January 2021 (UTC)
:::::[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]], if your goal is purely to maximize the quantity of &quot;good work&quot; on the English Wikiquote, then you would not want to deter this user from contributing. However, if you cared at all for the dozens of projects that Risto made unconstructive edits on, or the projects whose administrators they ignored and insulted, or the projects where they are blocked from editing, or the basic policies that govern nearly all Wikimedia projects, you would not logically want Risto to contribute. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 00:39, 25 January 2021 (UTC)
::: {{Yo|Peter1c}} Thanks for helping the WQ community understand why someone who is doing constructive work on WQ is globally locked by Stewards who are working to advance what best for the wmf-comunity. More at :[[User_talk:Vermont#&quot;You_cannot_be_an_active_sockmaster_on_5_wikis_and_a_constructive_editor_elsewhere&quot;]] [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:33, 22 January 2021 (UTC)

== Rape of the Sabine women ==

Hello! I removed the image &quot;rape of the Sabine women&quot; because it has nothing to do with sexual slavery. An alternative (and better!) title of the painting is the &quot;abduction of the Sabine women&quot;. --[[Special:Contributions/2001:8003:4085:8100:FC68:B6EB:2842:815E|2001:8003:4085:8100:FC68:B6EB:2842:815E]] 02:44, 13 February 2020 (UTC)
:[[User:2001:8003:4085:8100:FC68:B6EB:2842:815E|2001:8003:4085:8100:FC68:B6EB:2842:815E]], okay. Apologies for reverting your edit; I confused you with a vandal who commonly replaces content with &lt;nowiki&gt;&quot;[[|thumb|]]&quot;&lt;/nowiki&gt;, which makes the edit hard to revert by normal means. I agree that the image you replaced it with is more suitable. Regards, [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 02:52, 13 February 2020 (UTC)

== &quot;You cannot be an active sockmaster on 5 wikis and a constructive editor elsewhere&quot; ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}},
I came here to try to quietly iron out the statement you made publicly elsewhere on WQ, but it appears that other wikiquotiens (or wikiquoters?) have already [[User_talk:Vermont#Global_lock_evasion|beat me to it]]. Since this is your talk-page I wonder if you have a preference of where to discusse it? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:08, 18 January 2021 (UTC)
:This is an okay place to discuss it. What about my statement do you want to discuss? [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 17:19, 18 January 2021 (UTC)
:: re: You cannot be an active sockmaster on 5 wikis and a constructive editor elsewhere
:::You have made this statement which appears to be shared by other admins/bureaucrats/global-admins/stewards/patrollers/developers (did I miss any title?) across the  wmf-universe, I think? However, at least on WQ it appears there are some &quot;regular editors&quot; who do not share this view. Was the topic discussed and agreed upon somewhere, so that regular users can understand the rationale behind this sweeping statement? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:41, 18 January 2021 (UTC)
::::I am not sure if it was discussed anywhere, but it is a matter of fact rather than an opinion. If someone is disruptively editing on multiple projects, we cannot permit them to continue disruptively editing globally because one or a handful of projects find their additions acceptable. To do so would mean one could vandalize dozens of projects while making good edits on a handful of projects, and avoid a lock. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 22:20, 18 January 2021 (UTC)
::::: @Vermont,why have changed the topic of this discussion? I did not ask about editors who edit disruptively and vandalize, I asked about sockmasters who according to [[Wikiquote:Administrators%27_noticeboard#Statement_by_Vermont|your statement]] cannot be  constructive on projects where they have not been actively blocked. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:16, 22 January 2021 (UTC)

In reality it is 150,000 useful edits on hundreds of wikis and only a handful problematic projects. Better arguments needed!
:@anon: I think the statement you are making is that [[User:Risto hot sir]] made 150,000 edits that are useful for the wmf-community, but was blocked by a handful of problematic wmf-projects? Just trying to paraphrase. Please correct if you disagree. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:16, 22 January 2021 (UTC)

== Risto ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}},

I saw your post  at [[User talk:AmandaNP]] and since this matter concerns you more than the other stewards of the wmf, I came here to ask a simple question, rather than to relitigate a saga that has been going on since 2019.

What steps should Risto take to have their locked status removed? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:35, 18 May 2022 (UTC)

:I forgot to mention that I would appreciate being pinged when you answer. Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:37, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
::[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]], &quot;stewards of the wmf&quot; is not a thing. Stewards are elected by the community. The WMF is not involved in those processes. This has been explained to you multiple times, and you continue to say variations of that, for reasons I cannot discern. 
::As for Risto, if they would stop evading their blocks/locks for 6-12 months and would send in an appeal to the Stewards, that can be discussed with them. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 13:07, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
:::Are you saying that users who are suspected of sockpuppeering must wait 6-12 months before they are permitted to appeal? BTW thank you for pinging me. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:57, 19 May 2022 (UTC)
::::[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]], it's difficult to believe the sincerity of an appeal when the last time that person evaded a block/lock was yesterday. Refraining from evading blocks/locks for a period of time is a show of good faith and sincerity, and weighs heavily on the possibility of an appeal. It is not a set rule or by any means a guarantee of a successful appeal, but it is generally the advice we give people. After that period, when we know the user intends to return and follow community policy, we can discuss the issues that led to the block/locks. Also, it's not &quot;suspected&quot; in this case, it is quite clear. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 17:26, 19 May 2022 (UTC)
:::::How important is it in your opinion to show good faith and sincerity in comparison to, say, AGF? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 13:02, 20 May 2022 (UTC)
::::::As in, should we just trust that someone is not going to abuse Wikimedia projects after having done so for over three years, rather than expecting that they would put the minor amount of effort to ''stop'' for a few months prior to appealing? No...in my opinion the burden is on the person who has demonstrably caused problems for years to prove that allowing them to return to the community would not result in the same problems. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 16:34, 20 May 2022 (UTC)
===Is Risto banned or globally locked on Wikimedia projects===
@{{PAGENAME}}: Before  [[User:Risto hot sir]] became  a sock they contributed 40K edits to enwq. It is not clear why they were blocked in the first place. Was Risto globally-banned or  globally-locked? Risto's [https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Special:CentralAuth/Risto_hot_sir Global account information] indicates that risto was locked by steward/[[User:Wim_b]]. However, it has been implied and also outright stated by Global sysop/user:Praxidicae that Risto has been banned. So which is it: banned or locked?
Please don't forget to ping me. Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 02:16, 24 May 2022 (UTC)

:[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]], it is a global lock, not a ban. In the months leading up to the lock, Risto decided to try and increase their edit count by finding images and adding them to articles in dozens of languages which they do not speak. Though in some cases this was accepted by the local communities, in others the images were out of place or disruptive. Whenever Risto was asked to stop, they would quickly become uncivil and rude, and they were blocked on multiple projects for their behavior. Shortly after, Risto started creating other accounts to evade those blocks. Block evasion on multiple projects is cross-wiki abuse, and a lock was imposed. Risto was asked to stop multiple times on multiple projects prior to the lock, and never adjusted their pattern. If they had not continued creating new accounts, and had appealed and agreed to stop editing projects where they don’t know the language or where the local community doesn’t want them to, they could very well be editing freely right now. But instead we’ve had three years of lock and block evasion. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 11:38, 24 May 2022 (UTC)
::@Vermont, thanks for confirming that Risto was not banned but merely locked out of wikimedia projects. I think what you are saying is that Risto was locked because someone suspected risto of socking? If so, are all suspected socks automatically locked out of wmf-projects, or are there others who go through a different process? Thanks for pinging me. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 11:05, 25 May 2022 (UTC)
:::[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]]. Again, no. Risto is not “suspected” to have been socking. ''Risto has been evading blocks with sockpuppets for over three years.'' Sockpuppets are locked when found. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 12:26, 25 May 2022 (UTC)
::::are there other sockpuppeteers  who go through a different process? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:42, 25 May 2022 (UTC)
:::::Not really...if someone is locked, and they create an account to evade the lock, that one will be locked too. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 13:55, 25 May 2022 (UTC)
::::::@Vermont, sorry it appears my previous question was not properly phrased. Let me try again:
::::::You said this in regard to Risto: &lt;blockquote&gt;  If they had not continued creating new accounts, and had appealed and agreed to stop editing projects where they don’t know the language or where the local community doesn’t want them to, they could very well be editing freely right now&lt;/blockquote&gt;
::::::So I assume that you believe the reason Risto was globally-locked is that they were determined to be a '''sock-master''' on several wmf-projects?  If so my question is: are there other wmf-editors who were blocked on some individual projects, but who were not globally-locked as a result? Did these other wmf-editors go through a different Global process? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 15:32, 25 May 2022 (UTC)
:::::::There are tons of editors blocked on individual projects and not locked, and many blocked on multiple projects and not locked. However, cross-wiki abuse is not simply being blocked on multiple projects. In this case, Risto was only locked after evading blocks on 4 or so projects. Appealing local blocks is not a global process, and each project has their own processes for that. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 15:40, 25 May 2022 (UTC)</text>
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      <comment>Reverted edit by [[User:95.169.231.108|95.169.231.108]] ([[User talk:95.169.231.108|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/95.169.231.108|contributions]]) to last version by Ferien</comment>
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      <text bytes="15002" xml:space="preserve">=== Welcome ===
{{Welcome}} [[User:1997kB|1997kB]] ([[User talk:1997kB|talk]]) 17:50, 14 October 2018 (UTC)

==Admins==
Are there no admins here? Thanks for reverting, but that's only half the work. [[User:Drmies|Drmies]] ([[User talk:Drmies|talk]]) 03:10, 6 December 2018 (UTC)
:{{u|Drmies}} There's 25. I don't believe any are online. I'm currently requesting a global block for the /16 at SRG, and I recommend you email oversight if you haven't already. (stewards oversight, there's no local oversighters) Thanks, [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 03:11, 6 December 2018 (UTC)
::I already have, but they're asleep at the wheel too. This is someone who calls themselves WhenDatHotlineBling, and they've taken an unhealthy interest in me. [[User:Drmies|Drmies]] ([[User talk:Drmies|talk]]) 03:14, 6 December 2018 (UTC)

== Eww ==

You should really link to Central Auth instead of Global user contributions in your user page. Global contribs is terribly clunky. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:31, 11 May 2019 (UTC)
:It links to both. See “accounts in all Wikimedia projects.” [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 14:33, 11 May 2019 (UTC)

== Global lock evasion ==
Hi Vermont. Sorry to bother you. If you have a minute could you explain what global lock evasion is? I am trying to understand [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=%E1%B9%ACh%C4%81nissaro_Bhikkhu&amp;curid=221907&amp;diff=2706504&amp;oldid=2706211 this edit.] Thanks! ~ [[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]] ([[User talk:Peter1c|talk]]) 22:54, 5 December 2019 (UTC)
:Hi [[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]]. Their edits to this project are made in contravention to an active global lock that has been placed on multiple of their accounts and sockpuppets. Their original account was [[User:Risto hot sir]]. Thank you, [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 01:22, 6 December 2019 (UTC)
:: Hi Vermont. Thanks for explaining this. In this case, it seems the edit is an improvement to the page. Is it OK if I redo the additions? Thanks. ~ [[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]] ([[User talk:Peter1c|talk]])
:::It is not a problem, of course, but there is the hope that reverting his edits will deter him from trying to continue to edit. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 14:45, 6 December 2019 (UTC)
::::Makes sense. Is this a permanent block? I wasn't following the proceedings for block of this user. ~ [[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]] ([[User talk:Peter1c|talk]]) 14:51, 6 December 2019 (UTC)
:::::[[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]], it is not necessarily permanent. Many editors whose accounts were formerly locked for crosswiki abuse have been unlocked after successful appeals. However, considering he is actively evading the lock and editing despite it, it is extremely unlikely he will be unlocked. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 16:04, 6 December 2019 (UTC)
::::@Vermont why should wikiqutiens who believe [[User:Risto hot sir]] is doing good work on WQ want to deter this user from contributing? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:33, 22 January 2021 (UTC)
:::::[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]], if your goal is purely to maximize the quantity of &quot;good work&quot; on the English Wikiquote, then you would not want to deter this user from contributing. However, if you cared at all for the dozens of projects that Risto made unconstructive edits on, or the projects whose administrators they ignored and insulted, or the projects where they are blocked from editing, or the basic policies that govern nearly all Wikimedia projects, you would not logically want Risto to contribute. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 00:39, 25 January 2021 (UTC)
::: {{Yo|Peter1c}} Thanks for helping the WQ community understand why someone who is doing constructive work on WQ is globally locked by Stewards who are working to advance what best for the wmf-comunity. More at :[[User_talk:Vermont#&quot;You_cannot_be_an_active_sockmaster_on_5_wikis_and_a_constructive_editor_elsewhere&quot;]] [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:33, 22 January 2021 (UTC)

== Rape of the Sabine women ==

Hello! I removed the image &quot;rape of the Sabine women&quot; because it has nothing to do with sexual slavery. An alternative (and better!) title of the painting is the &quot;abduction of the Sabine women&quot;. --[[Special:Contributions/2001:8003:4085:8100:FC68:B6EB:2842:815E|2001:8003:4085:8100:FC68:B6EB:2842:815E]] 02:44, 13 February 2020 (UTC)
:[[User:2001:8003:4085:8100:FC68:B6EB:2842:815E|2001:8003:4085:8100:FC68:B6EB:2842:815E]], okay. Apologies for reverting your edit; I confused you with a vandal who commonly replaces content with &lt;nowiki&gt;&quot;[[|thumb|]]&quot;&lt;/nowiki&gt;, which makes the edit hard to revert by normal means. I agree that the image you replaced it with is more suitable. Regards, [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 02:52, 13 February 2020 (UTC)

== &quot;You cannot be an active sockmaster on 5 wikis and a constructive editor elsewhere&quot; ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}},
I came here to try to quietly iron out the statement you made publicly elsewhere on WQ, but it appears that other wikiquotiens (or wikiquoters?) have already [[User_talk:Vermont#Global_lock_evasion|beat me to it]]. Since this is your talk-page I wonder if you have a preference of where to discusse it? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:08, 18 January 2021 (UTC)
:This is an okay place to discuss it. What about my statement do you want to discuss? [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 17:19, 18 January 2021 (UTC)
:: re: You cannot be an active sockmaster on 5 wikis and a constructive editor elsewhere
:::You have made this statement which appears to be shared by other admins/bureaucrats/global-admins/stewards/patrollers/developers (did I miss any title?) across the  wmf-universe, I think? However, at least on WQ it appears there are some &quot;regular editors&quot; who do not share this view. Was the topic discussed and agreed upon somewhere, so that regular users can understand the rationale behind this sweeping statement? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:41, 18 January 2021 (UTC)
::::I am not sure if it was discussed anywhere, but it is a matter of fact rather than an opinion. If someone is disruptively editing on multiple projects, we cannot permit them to continue disruptively editing globally because one or a handful of projects find their additions acceptable. To do so would mean one could vandalize dozens of projects while making good edits on a handful of projects, and avoid a lock. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 22:20, 18 January 2021 (UTC)
::::: @Vermont,why have changed the topic of this discussion? I did not ask about editors who edit disruptively and vandalize, I asked about sockmasters who according to [[Wikiquote:Administrators%27_noticeboard#Statement_by_Vermont|your statement]] cannot be  constructive on projects where they have not been actively blocked. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:16, 22 January 2021 (UTC)

In reality it is 150,000 useful edits on hundreds of wikis and only a handful problematic projects. Better arguments needed!
:@anon: I think the statement you are making is that [[User:Risto hot sir]] made 150,000 edits that are useful for the wmf-community, but was blocked by a handful of problematic wmf-projects? Just trying to paraphrase. Please correct if you disagree. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:16, 22 January 2021 (UTC)

== Risto ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}},

I saw your post  at [[User talk:AmandaNP]] and since this matter concerns you more than the other stewards of the wmf, I came here to ask a simple question, rather than to relitigate a saga that has been going on since 2019.

What steps should Risto take to have their locked status removed? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:35, 18 May 2022 (UTC)

:I forgot to mention that I would appreciate being pinged when you answer. Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:37, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
::[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]], &quot;stewards of the wmf&quot; is not a thing. Stewards are elected by the community. The WMF is not involved in those processes. This has been explained to you multiple times, and you continue to say variations of that, for reasons I cannot discern. 
::As for Risto, if they would stop evading their blocks/locks for 6-12 months and would send in an appeal to the Stewards, that can be discussed with them. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 13:07, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
:::Are you saying that users who are suspected of sockpuppeering must wait 6-12 months before they are permitted to appeal? BTW thank you for pinging me. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:57, 19 May 2022 (UTC)
::::[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]], it's difficult to believe the sincerity of an appeal when the last time that person evaded a block/lock was yesterday. Refraining from evading blocks/locks for a period of time is a show of good faith and sincerity, and weighs heavily on the possibility of an appeal. It is not a set rule or by any means a guarantee of a successful appeal, but it is generally the advice we give people. After that period, when we know the user intends to return and follow community policy, we can discuss the issues that led to the block/locks. Also, it's not &quot;suspected&quot; in this case, it is quite clear. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 17:26, 19 May 2022 (UTC)
:::::How important is it in your opinion to show good faith and sincerity in comparison to, say, AGF? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 13:02, 20 May 2022 (UTC)
::::::As in, should we just trust that someone is not going to abuse Wikimedia projects after having done so for over three years, rather than expecting that they would put the minor amount of effort to ''stop'' for a few months prior to appealing? No...in my opinion the burden is on the person who has demonstrably caused problems for years to prove that allowing them to return to the community would not result in the same problems. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 16:34, 20 May 2022 (UTC)
===Is Risto banned or globally locked on Wikimedia projects===
@{{PAGENAME}}: Before  [[User:Risto hot sir]] became  a sock they contributed 40K edits to enwq. It is not clear why they were blocked in the first place. Was Risto globally-banned or  globally-locked? Risto's [https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Special:CentralAuth/Risto_hot_sir Global account information] indicates that risto was locked by steward/[[User:Wim_b]]. However, it has been implied and also outright stated by Global sysop/user:Praxidicae that Risto has been banned. So which is it: banned or locked?
Please don't forget to ping me. Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 02:16, 24 May 2022 (UTC)

:[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]], it is a global lock, not a ban. In the months leading up to the lock, Risto decided to try and increase their edit count by finding images and adding them to articles in dozens of languages which they do not speak. Though in some cases this was accepted by the local communities, in others the images were out of place or disruptive. Whenever Risto was asked to stop, they would quickly become uncivil and rude, and they were blocked on multiple projects for their behavior. Shortly after, Risto started creating other accounts to evade those blocks. Block evasion on multiple projects is cross-wiki abuse, and a lock was imposed. Risto was asked to stop multiple times on multiple projects prior to the lock, and never adjusted their pattern. If they had not continued creating new accounts, and had appealed and agreed to stop editing projects where they don’t know the language or where the local community doesn’t want them to, they could very well be editing freely right now. But instead we’ve had three years of lock and block evasion. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 11:38, 24 May 2022 (UTC)
::@Vermont, thanks for confirming that Risto was not banned but merely locked out of wikimedia projects. I think what you are saying is that Risto was locked because someone suspected risto of socking? If so, are all suspected socks automatically locked out of wmf-projects, or are there others who go through a different process? Thanks for pinging me. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 11:05, 25 May 2022 (UTC)
:::[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]]. Again, no. Risto is not “suspected” to have been socking. ''Risto has been evading blocks with sockpuppets for over three years.'' Sockpuppets are locked when found. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 12:26, 25 May 2022 (UTC)
::::are there other sockpuppeteers  who go through a different process? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:42, 25 May 2022 (UTC)
:::::Not really...if someone is locked, and they create an account to evade the lock, that one will be locked too. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 13:55, 25 May 2022 (UTC)
::::::@Vermont, sorry it appears my previous question was not properly phrased. Let me try again:
::::::You said this in regard to Risto: &lt;blockquote&gt;  If they had not continued creating new accounts, and had appealed and agreed to stop editing projects where they don’t know the language or where the local community doesn’t want them to, they could very well be editing freely right now&lt;/blockquote&gt;
::::::So I assume that you believe the reason Risto was globally-locked is that they were determined to be a '''sock-master''' on several wmf-projects?  If so my question is: are there other wmf-editors who were blocked on some individual projects, but who were not globally-locked as a result? Did these other wmf-editors go through a different Global process? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 15:32, 25 May 2022 (UTC)
:::::::There are tons of editors blocked on individual projects and not locked, and many blocked on multiple projects and not locked. However, cross-wiki abuse is not simply being blocked on multiple projects. In this case, Risto was only locked after evading blocks on 4 or so projects. Appealing local blocks is not a global process, and each project has their own processes for that. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 15:40, 25 May 2022 (UTC)</text>
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      <comment>/* THANX A LOT FOR THE REVERT, U FELL INTO MY TRAP, HAHAHAHHA THEN YOUR FUKBUDDIES CAME TO &quot;THE RESCUE&quot; ANT, FERIEN, COME AGAIN PLEASE! */ new section</comment>
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      <text bytes="15262" xml:space="preserve">=== Welcome ===
{{Welcome}} [[User:1997kB|1997kB]] ([[User talk:1997kB|talk]]) 17:50, 14 October 2018 (UTC)

==Admins==
Are there no admins here? Thanks for reverting, but that's only half the work. [[User:Drmies|Drmies]] ([[User talk:Drmies|talk]]) 03:10, 6 December 2018 (UTC)
:{{u|Drmies}} There's 25. I don't believe any are online. I'm currently requesting a global block for the /16 at SRG, and I recommend you email oversight if you haven't already. (stewards oversight, there's no local oversighters) Thanks, [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 03:11, 6 December 2018 (UTC)
::I already have, but they're asleep at the wheel too. This is someone who calls themselves WhenDatHotlineBling, and they've taken an unhealthy interest in me. [[User:Drmies|Drmies]] ([[User talk:Drmies|talk]]) 03:14, 6 December 2018 (UTC)

== Eww ==

You should really link to Central Auth instead of Global user contributions in your user page. Global contribs is terribly clunky. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:31, 11 May 2019 (UTC)
:It links to both. See “accounts in all Wikimedia projects.” [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 14:33, 11 May 2019 (UTC)

== Global lock evasion ==
Hi Vermont. Sorry to bother you. If you have a minute could you explain what global lock evasion is? I am trying to understand [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=%E1%B9%ACh%C4%81nissaro_Bhikkhu&amp;curid=221907&amp;diff=2706504&amp;oldid=2706211 this edit.] Thanks! ~ [[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]] ([[User talk:Peter1c|talk]]) 22:54, 5 December 2019 (UTC)
:Hi [[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]]. Their edits to this project are made in contravention to an active global lock that has been placed on multiple of their accounts and sockpuppets. Their original account was [[User:Risto hot sir]]. Thank you, [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 01:22, 6 December 2019 (UTC)
:: Hi Vermont. Thanks for explaining this. In this case, it seems the edit is an improvement to the page. Is it OK if I redo the additions? Thanks. ~ [[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]] ([[User talk:Peter1c|talk]])
:::It is not a problem, of course, but there is the hope that reverting his edits will deter him from trying to continue to edit. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 14:45, 6 December 2019 (UTC)
::::Makes sense. Is this a permanent block? I wasn't following the proceedings for block of this user. ~ [[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]] ([[User talk:Peter1c|talk]]) 14:51, 6 December 2019 (UTC)
:::::[[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]], it is not necessarily permanent. Many editors whose accounts were formerly locked for crosswiki abuse have been unlocked after successful appeals. However, considering he is actively evading the lock and editing despite it, it is extremely unlikely he will be unlocked. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 16:04, 6 December 2019 (UTC)
::::@Vermont why should wikiqutiens who believe [[User:Risto hot sir]] is doing good work on WQ want to deter this user from contributing? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:33, 22 January 2021 (UTC)
:::::[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]], if your goal is purely to maximize the quantity of &quot;good work&quot; on the English Wikiquote, then you would not want to deter this user from contributing. However, if you cared at all for the dozens of projects that Risto made unconstructive edits on, or the projects whose administrators they ignored and insulted, or the projects where they are blocked from editing, or the basic policies that govern nearly all Wikimedia projects, you would not logically want Risto to contribute. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 00:39, 25 January 2021 (UTC)
::: {{Yo|Peter1c}} Thanks for helping the WQ community understand why someone who is doing constructive work on WQ is globally locked by Stewards who are working to advance what best for the wmf-comunity. More at :[[User_talk:Vermont#&quot;You_cannot_be_an_active_sockmaster_on_5_wikis_and_a_constructive_editor_elsewhere&quot;]] [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:33, 22 January 2021 (UTC)

== Rape of the Sabine women ==

Hello! I removed the image &quot;rape of the Sabine women&quot; because it has nothing to do with sexual slavery. An alternative (and better!) title of the painting is the &quot;abduction of the Sabine women&quot;. --[[Special:Contributions/2001:8003:4085:8100:FC68:B6EB:2842:815E|2001:8003:4085:8100:FC68:B6EB:2842:815E]] 02:44, 13 February 2020 (UTC)
:[[User:2001:8003:4085:8100:FC68:B6EB:2842:815E|2001:8003:4085:8100:FC68:B6EB:2842:815E]], okay. Apologies for reverting your edit; I confused you with a vandal who commonly replaces content with &lt;nowiki&gt;&quot;[[|thumb|]]&quot;&lt;/nowiki&gt;, which makes the edit hard to revert by normal means. I agree that the image you replaced it with is more suitable. Regards, [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 02:52, 13 February 2020 (UTC)

== &quot;You cannot be an active sockmaster on 5 wikis and a constructive editor elsewhere&quot; ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}},
I came here to try to quietly iron out the statement you made publicly elsewhere on WQ, but it appears that other wikiquotiens (or wikiquoters?) have already [[User_talk:Vermont#Global_lock_evasion|beat me to it]]. Since this is your talk-page I wonder if you have a preference of where to discusse it? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:08, 18 January 2021 (UTC)
:This is an okay place to discuss it. What about my statement do you want to discuss? [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 17:19, 18 January 2021 (UTC)
:: re: You cannot be an active sockmaster on 5 wikis and a constructive editor elsewhere
:::You have made this statement which appears to be shared by other admins/bureaucrats/global-admins/stewards/patrollers/developers (did I miss any title?) across the  wmf-universe, I think? However, at least on WQ it appears there are some &quot;regular editors&quot; who do not share this view. Was the topic discussed and agreed upon somewhere, so that regular users can understand the rationale behind this sweeping statement? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:41, 18 January 2021 (UTC)
::::I am not sure if it was discussed anywhere, but it is a matter of fact rather than an opinion. If someone is disruptively editing on multiple projects, we cannot permit them to continue disruptively editing globally because one or a handful of projects find their additions acceptable. To do so would mean one could vandalize dozens of projects while making good edits on a handful of projects, and avoid a lock. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 22:20, 18 January 2021 (UTC)
::::: @Vermont,why have changed the topic of this discussion? I did not ask about editors who edit disruptively and vandalize, I asked about sockmasters who according to [[Wikiquote:Administrators%27_noticeboard#Statement_by_Vermont|your statement]] cannot be  constructive on projects where they have not been actively blocked. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:16, 22 January 2021 (UTC)

In reality it is 150,000 useful edits on hundreds of wikis and only a handful problematic projects. Better arguments needed!
:@anon: I think the statement you are making is that [[User:Risto hot sir]] made 150,000 edits that are useful for the wmf-community, but was blocked by a handful of problematic wmf-projects? Just trying to paraphrase. Please correct if you disagree. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:16, 22 January 2021 (UTC)

== Risto ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}},

I saw your post  at [[User talk:AmandaNP]] and since this matter concerns you more than the other stewards of the wmf, I came here to ask a simple question, rather than to relitigate a saga that has been going on since 2019.

What steps should Risto take to have their locked status removed? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:35, 18 May 2022 (UTC)

:I forgot to mention that I would appreciate being pinged when you answer. Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:37, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
::[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]], &quot;stewards of the wmf&quot; is not a thing. Stewards are elected by the community. The WMF is not involved in those processes. This has been explained to you multiple times, and you continue to say variations of that, for reasons I cannot discern. 
::As for Risto, if they would stop evading their blocks/locks for 6-12 months and would send in an appeal to the Stewards, that can be discussed with them. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 13:07, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
:::Are you saying that users who are suspected of sockpuppeering must wait 6-12 months before they are permitted to appeal? BTW thank you for pinging me. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:57, 19 May 2022 (UTC)
::::[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]], it's difficult to believe the sincerity of an appeal when the last time that person evaded a block/lock was yesterday. Refraining from evading blocks/locks for a period of time is a show of good faith and sincerity, and weighs heavily on the possibility of an appeal. It is not a set rule or by any means a guarantee of a successful appeal, but it is generally the advice we give people. After that period, when we know the user intends to return and follow community policy, we can discuss the issues that led to the block/locks. Also, it's not &quot;suspected&quot; in this case, it is quite clear. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 17:26, 19 May 2022 (UTC)
:::::How important is it in your opinion to show good faith and sincerity in comparison to, say, AGF? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 13:02, 20 May 2022 (UTC)
::::::As in, should we just trust that someone is not going to abuse Wikimedia projects after having done so for over three years, rather than expecting that they would put the minor amount of effort to ''stop'' for a few months prior to appealing? No...in my opinion the burden is on the person who has demonstrably caused problems for years to prove that allowing them to return to the community would not result in the same problems. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 16:34, 20 May 2022 (UTC)
===Is Risto banned or globally locked on Wikimedia projects===
@{{PAGENAME}}: Before  [[User:Risto hot sir]] became  a sock they contributed 40K edits to enwq. It is not clear why they were blocked in the first place. Was Risto globally-banned or  globally-locked? Risto's [https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Special:CentralAuth/Risto_hot_sir Global account information] indicates that risto was locked by steward/[[User:Wim_b]]. However, it has been implied and also outright stated by Global sysop/user:Praxidicae that Risto has been banned. So which is it: banned or locked?
Please don't forget to ping me. Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 02:16, 24 May 2022 (UTC)

:[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]], it is a global lock, not a ban. In the months leading up to the lock, Risto decided to try and increase their edit count by finding images and adding them to articles in dozens of languages which they do not speak. Though in some cases this was accepted by the local communities, in others the images were out of place or disruptive. Whenever Risto was asked to stop, they would quickly become uncivil and rude, and they were blocked on multiple projects for their behavior. Shortly after, Risto started creating other accounts to evade those blocks. Block evasion on multiple projects is cross-wiki abuse, and a lock was imposed. Risto was asked to stop multiple times on multiple projects prior to the lock, and never adjusted their pattern. If they had not continued creating new accounts, and had appealed and agreed to stop editing projects where they don’t know the language or where the local community doesn’t want them to, they could very well be editing freely right now. But instead we’ve had three years of lock and block evasion. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 11:38, 24 May 2022 (UTC)
::@Vermont, thanks for confirming that Risto was not banned but merely locked out of wikimedia projects. I think what you are saying is that Risto was locked because someone suspected risto of socking? If so, are all suspected socks automatically locked out of wmf-projects, or are there others who go through a different process? Thanks for pinging me. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 11:05, 25 May 2022 (UTC)
:::[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]]. Again, no. Risto is not “suspected” to have been socking. ''Risto has been evading blocks with sockpuppets for over three years.'' Sockpuppets are locked when found. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 12:26, 25 May 2022 (UTC)
::::are there other sockpuppeteers  who go through a different process? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:42, 25 May 2022 (UTC)
:::::Not really...if someone is locked, and they create an account to evade the lock, that one will be locked too. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 13:55, 25 May 2022 (UTC)
::::::@Vermont, sorry it appears my previous question was not properly phrased. Let me try again:
::::::You said this in regard to Risto: &lt;blockquote&gt;  If they had not continued creating new accounts, and had appealed and agreed to stop editing projects where they don’t know the language or where the local community doesn’t want them to, they could very well be editing freely right now&lt;/blockquote&gt;
::::::So I assume that you believe the reason Risto was globally-locked is that they were determined to be a '''sock-master''' on several wmf-projects?  If so my question is: are there other wmf-editors who were blocked on some individual projects, but who were not globally-locked as a result? Did these other wmf-editors go through a different Global process? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 15:32, 25 May 2022 (UTC)
:::::::There are tons of editors blocked on individual projects and not locked, and many blocked on multiple projects and not locked. However, cross-wiki abuse is not simply being blocked on multiple projects. In this case, Risto was only locked after evading blocks on 4 or so projects. Appealing local blocks is not a global process, and each project has their own processes for that. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 15:40, 25 May 2022 (UTC)

== THANX A LOT FOR THE REVERT, U FELL INTO MY TRAP, HAHAHAHHA THEN YOUR FUKBUDDIES CAME TO &quot;THE RESCUE&quot; ANT, FERIEN, COME AGAIN PLEASE! ==

YOU MADE MY DAY!GAGGAGA HGHHAJHAHHA~ [[Special:Contributions/114.10.10.108|114.10.10.108]] 04:05, 12 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>nb5ovbxuownmvhqs0aobbc6b4i62phy</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153804</id>
      <parentid>3153802</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-12T04:10:08Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Vermont</username>
        <id>2887236</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
      <comment>no</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="15002" xml:space="preserve">=== Welcome ===
{{Welcome}} [[User:1997kB|1997kB]] ([[User talk:1997kB|talk]]) 17:50, 14 October 2018 (UTC)

==Admins==
Are there no admins here? Thanks for reverting, but that's only half the work. [[User:Drmies|Drmies]] ([[User talk:Drmies|talk]]) 03:10, 6 December 2018 (UTC)
:{{u|Drmies}} There's 25. I don't believe any are online. I'm currently requesting a global block for the /16 at SRG, and I recommend you email oversight if you haven't already. (stewards oversight, there's no local oversighters) Thanks, [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 03:11, 6 December 2018 (UTC)
::I already have, but they're asleep at the wheel too. This is someone who calls themselves WhenDatHotlineBling, and they've taken an unhealthy interest in me. [[User:Drmies|Drmies]] ([[User talk:Drmies|talk]]) 03:14, 6 December 2018 (UTC)

== Eww ==

You should really link to Central Auth instead of Global user contributions in your user page. Global contribs is terribly clunky. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:31, 11 May 2019 (UTC)
:It links to both. See “accounts in all Wikimedia projects.” [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 14:33, 11 May 2019 (UTC)

== Global lock evasion ==
Hi Vermont. Sorry to bother you. If you have a minute could you explain what global lock evasion is? I am trying to understand [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=%E1%B9%ACh%C4%81nissaro_Bhikkhu&amp;curid=221907&amp;diff=2706504&amp;oldid=2706211 this edit.] Thanks! ~ [[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]] ([[User talk:Peter1c|talk]]) 22:54, 5 December 2019 (UTC)
:Hi [[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]]. Their edits to this project are made in contravention to an active global lock that has been placed on multiple of their accounts and sockpuppets. Their original account was [[User:Risto hot sir]]. Thank you, [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 01:22, 6 December 2019 (UTC)
:: Hi Vermont. Thanks for explaining this. In this case, it seems the edit is an improvement to the page. Is it OK if I redo the additions? Thanks. ~ [[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]] ([[User talk:Peter1c|talk]])
:::It is not a problem, of course, but there is the hope that reverting his edits will deter him from trying to continue to edit. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 14:45, 6 December 2019 (UTC)
::::Makes sense. Is this a permanent block? I wasn't following the proceedings for block of this user. ~ [[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]] ([[User talk:Peter1c|talk]]) 14:51, 6 December 2019 (UTC)
:::::[[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]], it is not necessarily permanent. Many editors whose accounts were formerly locked for crosswiki abuse have been unlocked after successful appeals. However, considering he is actively evading the lock and editing despite it, it is extremely unlikely he will be unlocked. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 16:04, 6 December 2019 (UTC)
::::@Vermont why should wikiqutiens who believe [[User:Risto hot sir]] is doing good work on WQ want to deter this user from contributing? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:33, 22 January 2021 (UTC)
:::::[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]], if your goal is purely to maximize the quantity of &quot;good work&quot; on the English Wikiquote, then you would not want to deter this user from contributing. However, if you cared at all for the dozens of projects that Risto made unconstructive edits on, or the projects whose administrators they ignored and insulted, or the projects where they are blocked from editing, or the basic policies that govern nearly all Wikimedia projects, you would not logically want Risto to contribute. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 00:39, 25 January 2021 (UTC)
::: {{Yo|Peter1c}} Thanks for helping the WQ community understand why someone who is doing constructive work on WQ is globally locked by Stewards who are working to advance what best for the wmf-comunity. More at :[[User_talk:Vermont#&quot;You_cannot_be_an_active_sockmaster_on_5_wikis_and_a_constructive_editor_elsewhere&quot;]] [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:33, 22 January 2021 (UTC)

== Rape of the Sabine women ==

Hello! I removed the image &quot;rape of the Sabine women&quot; because it has nothing to do with sexual slavery. An alternative (and better!) title of the painting is the &quot;abduction of the Sabine women&quot;. --[[Special:Contributions/2001:8003:4085:8100:FC68:B6EB:2842:815E|2001:8003:4085:8100:FC68:B6EB:2842:815E]] 02:44, 13 February 2020 (UTC)
:[[User:2001:8003:4085:8100:FC68:B6EB:2842:815E|2001:8003:4085:8100:FC68:B6EB:2842:815E]], okay. Apologies for reverting your edit; I confused you with a vandal who commonly replaces content with &lt;nowiki&gt;&quot;[[|thumb|]]&quot;&lt;/nowiki&gt;, which makes the edit hard to revert by normal means. I agree that the image you replaced it with is more suitable. Regards, [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 02:52, 13 February 2020 (UTC)

== &quot;You cannot be an active sockmaster on 5 wikis and a constructive editor elsewhere&quot; ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}},
I came here to try to quietly iron out the statement you made publicly elsewhere on WQ, but it appears that other wikiquotiens (or wikiquoters?) have already [[User_talk:Vermont#Global_lock_evasion|beat me to it]]. Since this is your talk-page I wonder if you have a preference of where to discusse it? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:08, 18 January 2021 (UTC)
:This is an okay place to discuss it. What about my statement do you want to discuss? [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 17:19, 18 January 2021 (UTC)
:: re: You cannot be an active sockmaster on 5 wikis and a constructive editor elsewhere
:::You have made this statement which appears to be shared by other admins/bureaucrats/global-admins/stewards/patrollers/developers (did I miss any title?) across the  wmf-universe, I think? However, at least on WQ it appears there are some &quot;regular editors&quot; who do not share this view. Was the topic discussed and agreed upon somewhere, so that regular users can understand the rationale behind this sweeping statement? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:41, 18 January 2021 (UTC)
::::I am not sure if it was discussed anywhere, but it is a matter of fact rather than an opinion. If someone is disruptively editing on multiple projects, we cannot permit them to continue disruptively editing globally because one or a handful of projects find their additions acceptable. To do so would mean one could vandalize dozens of projects while making good edits on a handful of projects, and avoid a lock. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 22:20, 18 January 2021 (UTC)
::::: @Vermont,why have changed the topic of this discussion? I did not ask about editors who edit disruptively and vandalize, I asked about sockmasters who according to [[Wikiquote:Administrators%27_noticeboard#Statement_by_Vermont|your statement]] cannot be  constructive on projects where they have not been actively blocked. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:16, 22 January 2021 (UTC)

In reality it is 150,000 useful edits on hundreds of wikis and only a handful problematic projects. Better arguments needed!
:@anon: I think the statement you are making is that [[User:Risto hot sir]] made 150,000 edits that are useful for the wmf-community, but was blocked by a handful of problematic wmf-projects? Just trying to paraphrase. Please correct if you disagree. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:16, 22 January 2021 (UTC)

== Risto ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}},

I saw your post  at [[User talk:AmandaNP]] and since this matter concerns you more than the other stewards of the wmf, I came here to ask a simple question, rather than to relitigate a saga that has been going on since 2019.

What steps should Risto take to have their locked status removed? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:35, 18 May 2022 (UTC)

:I forgot to mention that I would appreciate being pinged when you answer. Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:37, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
::[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]], &quot;stewards of the wmf&quot; is not a thing. Stewards are elected by the community. The WMF is not involved in those processes. This has been explained to you multiple times, and you continue to say variations of that, for reasons I cannot discern. 
::As for Risto, if they would stop evading their blocks/locks for 6-12 months and would send in an appeal to the Stewards, that can be discussed with them. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 13:07, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
:::Are you saying that users who are suspected of sockpuppeering must wait 6-12 months before they are permitted to appeal? BTW thank you for pinging me. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:57, 19 May 2022 (UTC)
::::[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]], it's difficult to believe the sincerity of an appeal when the last time that person evaded a block/lock was yesterday. Refraining from evading blocks/locks for a period of time is a show of good faith and sincerity, and weighs heavily on the possibility of an appeal. It is not a set rule or by any means a guarantee of a successful appeal, but it is generally the advice we give people. After that period, when we know the user intends to return and follow community policy, we can discuss the issues that led to the block/locks. Also, it's not &quot;suspected&quot; in this case, it is quite clear. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 17:26, 19 May 2022 (UTC)
:::::How important is it in your opinion to show good faith and sincerity in comparison to, say, AGF? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 13:02, 20 May 2022 (UTC)
::::::As in, should we just trust that someone is not going to abuse Wikimedia projects after having done so for over three years, rather than expecting that they would put the minor amount of effort to ''stop'' for a few months prior to appealing? No...in my opinion the burden is on the person who has demonstrably caused problems for years to prove that allowing them to return to the community would not result in the same problems. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 16:34, 20 May 2022 (UTC)
===Is Risto banned or globally locked on Wikimedia projects===
@{{PAGENAME}}: Before  [[User:Risto hot sir]] became  a sock they contributed 40K edits to enwq. It is not clear why they were blocked in the first place. Was Risto globally-banned or  globally-locked? Risto's [https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Special:CentralAuth/Risto_hot_sir Global account information] indicates that risto was locked by steward/[[User:Wim_b]]. However, it has been implied and also outright stated by Global sysop/user:Praxidicae that Risto has been banned. So which is it: banned or locked?
Please don't forget to ping me. Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 02:16, 24 May 2022 (UTC)

:[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]], it is a global lock, not a ban. In the months leading up to the lock, Risto decided to try and increase their edit count by finding images and adding them to articles in dozens of languages which they do not speak. Though in some cases this was accepted by the local communities, in others the images were out of place or disruptive. Whenever Risto was asked to stop, they would quickly become uncivil and rude, and they were blocked on multiple projects for their behavior. Shortly after, Risto started creating other accounts to evade those blocks. Block evasion on multiple projects is cross-wiki abuse, and a lock was imposed. Risto was asked to stop multiple times on multiple projects prior to the lock, and never adjusted their pattern. If they had not continued creating new accounts, and had appealed and agreed to stop editing projects where they don’t know the language or where the local community doesn’t want them to, they could very well be editing freely right now. But instead we’ve had three years of lock and block evasion. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 11:38, 24 May 2022 (UTC)
::@Vermont, thanks for confirming that Risto was not banned but merely locked out of wikimedia projects. I think what you are saying is that Risto was locked because someone suspected risto of socking? If so, are all suspected socks automatically locked out of wmf-projects, or are there others who go through a different process? Thanks for pinging me. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 11:05, 25 May 2022 (UTC)
:::[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]]. Again, no. Risto is not “suspected” to have been socking. ''Risto has been evading blocks with sockpuppets for over three years.'' Sockpuppets are locked when found. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 12:26, 25 May 2022 (UTC)
::::are there other sockpuppeteers  who go through a different process? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:42, 25 May 2022 (UTC)
:::::Not really...if someone is locked, and they create an account to evade the lock, that one will be locked too. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 13:55, 25 May 2022 (UTC)
::::::@Vermont, sorry it appears my previous question was not properly phrased. Let me try again:
::::::You said this in regard to Risto: &lt;blockquote&gt;  If they had not continued creating new accounts, and had appealed and agreed to stop editing projects where they don’t know the language or where the local community doesn’t want them to, they could very well be editing freely right now&lt;/blockquote&gt;
::::::So I assume that you believe the reason Risto was globally-locked is that they were determined to be a '''sock-master''' on several wmf-projects?  If so my question is: are there other wmf-editors who were blocked on some individual projects, but who were not globally-locked as a result? Did these other wmf-editors go through a different Global process? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 15:32, 25 May 2022 (UTC)
:::::::There are tons of editors blocked on individual projects and not locked, and many blocked on multiple projects and not locked. However, cross-wiki abuse is not simply being blocked on multiple projects. In this case, Risto was only locked after evading blocks on 4 or so projects. Appealing local blocks is not a global process, and each project has their own processes for that. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 15:40, 25 May 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>45ifcw7mqlkclot9ggkw0u7asucpltx</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153806</id>
      <parentid>3153804</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-12T04:11:26Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>190.117.166.111</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Undo revision 3153804 by [[Special:Contributions/Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]])o yes CHRIS GATES!</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="15262" xml:space="preserve">=== Welcome ===
{{Welcome}} [[User:1997kB|1997kB]] ([[User talk:1997kB|talk]]) 17:50, 14 October 2018 (UTC)

==Admins==
Are there no admins here? Thanks for reverting, but that's only half the work. [[User:Drmies|Drmies]] ([[User talk:Drmies|talk]]) 03:10, 6 December 2018 (UTC)
:{{u|Drmies}} There's 25. I don't believe any are online. I'm currently requesting a global block for the /16 at SRG, and I recommend you email oversight if you haven't already. (stewards oversight, there's no local oversighters) Thanks, [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 03:11, 6 December 2018 (UTC)
::I already have, but they're asleep at the wheel too. This is someone who calls themselves WhenDatHotlineBling, and they've taken an unhealthy interest in me. [[User:Drmies|Drmies]] ([[User talk:Drmies|talk]]) 03:14, 6 December 2018 (UTC)

== Eww ==

You should really link to Central Auth instead of Global user contributions in your user page. Global contribs is terribly clunky. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:31, 11 May 2019 (UTC)
:It links to both. See “accounts in all Wikimedia projects.” [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 14:33, 11 May 2019 (UTC)

== Global lock evasion ==
Hi Vermont. Sorry to bother you. If you have a minute could you explain what global lock evasion is? I am trying to understand [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=%E1%B9%ACh%C4%81nissaro_Bhikkhu&amp;curid=221907&amp;diff=2706504&amp;oldid=2706211 this edit.] Thanks! ~ [[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]] ([[User talk:Peter1c|talk]]) 22:54, 5 December 2019 (UTC)
:Hi [[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]]. Their edits to this project are made in contravention to an active global lock that has been placed on multiple of their accounts and sockpuppets. Their original account was [[User:Risto hot sir]]. Thank you, [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 01:22, 6 December 2019 (UTC)
:: Hi Vermont. Thanks for explaining this. In this case, it seems the edit is an improvement to the page. Is it OK if I redo the additions? Thanks. ~ [[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]] ([[User talk:Peter1c|talk]])
:::It is not a problem, of course, but there is the hope that reverting his edits will deter him from trying to continue to edit. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 14:45, 6 December 2019 (UTC)
::::Makes sense. Is this a permanent block? I wasn't following the proceedings for block of this user. ~ [[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]] ([[User talk:Peter1c|talk]]) 14:51, 6 December 2019 (UTC)
:::::[[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]], it is not necessarily permanent. Many editors whose accounts were formerly locked for crosswiki abuse have been unlocked after successful appeals. However, considering he is actively evading the lock and editing despite it, it is extremely unlikely he will be unlocked. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 16:04, 6 December 2019 (UTC)
::::@Vermont why should wikiqutiens who believe [[User:Risto hot sir]] is doing good work on WQ want to deter this user from contributing? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:33, 22 January 2021 (UTC)
:::::[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]], if your goal is purely to maximize the quantity of &quot;good work&quot; on the English Wikiquote, then you would not want to deter this user from contributing. However, if you cared at all for the dozens of projects that Risto made unconstructive edits on, or the projects whose administrators they ignored and insulted, or the projects where they are blocked from editing, or the basic policies that govern nearly all Wikimedia projects, you would not logically want Risto to contribute. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 00:39, 25 January 2021 (UTC)
::: {{Yo|Peter1c}} Thanks for helping the WQ community understand why someone who is doing constructive work on WQ is globally locked by Stewards who are working to advance what best for the wmf-comunity. More at :[[User_talk:Vermont#&quot;You_cannot_be_an_active_sockmaster_on_5_wikis_and_a_constructive_editor_elsewhere&quot;]] [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:33, 22 January 2021 (UTC)

== Rape of the Sabine women ==

Hello! I removed the image &quot;rape of the Sabine women&quot; because it has nothing to do with sexual slavery. An alternative (and better!) title of the painting is the &quot;abduction of the Sabine women&quot;. --[[Special:Contributions/2001:8003:4085:8100:FC68:B6EB:2842:815E|2001:8003:4085:8100:FC68:B6EB:2842:815E]] 02:44, 13 February 2020 (UTC)
:[[User:2001:8003:4085:8100:FC68:B6EB:2842:815E|2001:8003:4085:8100:FC68:B6EB:2842:815E]], okay. Apologies for reverting your edit; I confused you with a vandal who commonly replaces content with &lt;nowiki&gt;&quot;[[|thumb|]]&quot;&lt;/nowiki&gt;, which makes the edit hard to revert by normal means. I agree that the image you replaced it with is more suitable. Regards, [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 02:52, 13 February 2020 (UTC)

== &quot;You cannot be an active sockmaster on 5 wikis and a constructive editor elsewhere&quot; ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}},
I came here to try to quietly iron out the statement you made publicly elsewhere on WQ, but it appears that other wikiquotiens (or wikiquoters?) have already [[User_talk:Vermont#Global_lock_evasion|beat me to it]]. Since this is your talk-page I wonder if you have a preference of where to discusse it? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:08, 18 January 2021 (UTC)
:This is an okay place to discuss it. What about my statement do you want to discuss? [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 17:19, 18 January 2021 (UTC)
:: re: You cannot be an active sockmaster on 5 wikis and a constructive editor elsewhere
:::You have made this statement which appears to be shared by other admins/bureaucrats/global-admins/stewards/patrollers/developers (did I miss any title?) across the  wmf-universe, I think? However, at least on WQ it appears there are some &quot;regular editors&quot; who do not share this view. Was the topic discussed and agreed upon somewhere, so that regular users can understand the rationale behind this sweeping statement? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:41, 18 January 2021 (UTC)
::::I am not sure if it was discussed anywhere, but it is a matter of fact rather than an opinion. If someone is disruptively editing on multiple projects, we cannot permit them to continue disruptively editing globally because one or a handful of projects find their additions acceptable. To do so would mean one could vandalize dozens of projects while making good edits on a handful of projects, and avoid a lock. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 22:20, 18 January 2021 (UTC)
::::: @Vermont,why have changed the topic of this discussion? I did not ask about editors who edit disruptively and vandalize, I asked about sockmasters who according to [[Wikiquote:Administrators%27_noticeboard#Statement_by_Vermont|your statement]] cannot be  constructive on projects where they have not been actively blocked. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:16, 22 January 2021 (UTC)

In reality it is 150,000 useful edits on hundreds of wikis and only a handful problematic projects. Better arguments needed!
:@anon: I think the statement you are making is that [[User:Risto hot sir]] made 150,000 edits that are useful for the wmf-community, but was blocked by a handful of problematic wmf-projects? Just trying to paraphrase. Please correct if you disagree. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:16, 22 January 2021 (UTC)

== Risto ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}},

I saw your post  at [[User talk:AmandaNP]] and since this matter concerns you more than the other stewards of the wmf, I came here to ask a simple question, rather than to relitigate a saga that has been going on since 2019.

What steps should Risto take to have their locked status removed? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:35, 18 May 2022 (UTC)

:I forgot to mention that I would appreciate being pinged when you answer. Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:37, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
::[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]], &quot;stewards of the wmf&quot; is not a thing. Stewards are elected by the community. The WMF is not involved in those processes. This has been explained to you multiple times, and you continue to say variations of that, for reasons I cannot discern. 
::As for Risto, if they would stop evading their blocks/locks for 6-12 months and would send in an appeal to the Stewards, that can be discussed with them. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 13:07, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
:::Are you saying that users who are suspected of sockpuppeering must wait 6-12 months before they are permitted to appeal? BTW thank you for pinging me. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:57, 19 May 2022 (UTC)
::::[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]], it's difficult to believe the sincerity of an appeal when the last time that person evaded a block/lock was yesterday. Refraining from evading blocks/locks for a period of time is a show of good faith and sincerity, and weighs heavily on the possibility of an appeal. It is not a set rule or by any means a guarantee of a successful appeal, but it is generally the advice we give people. After that period, when we know the user intends to return and follow community policy, we can discuss the issues that led to the block/locks. Also, it's not &quot;suspected&quot; in this case, it is quite clear. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 17:26, 19 May 2022 (UTC)
:::::How important is it in your opinion to show good faith and sincerity in comparison to, say, AGF? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 13:02, 20 May 2022 (UTC)
::::::As in, should we just trust that someone is not going to abuse Wikimedia projects after having done so for over three years, rather than expecting that they would put the minor amount of effort to ''stop'' for a few months prior to appealing? No...in my opinion the burden is on the person who has demonstrably caused problems for years to prove that allowing them to return to the community would not result in the same problems. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 16:34, 20 May 2022 (UTC)
===Is Risto banned or globally locked on Wikimedia projects===
@{{PAGENAME}}: Before  [[User:Risto hot sir]] became  a sock they contributed 40K edits to enwq. It is not clear why they were blocked in the first place. Was Risto globally-banned or  globally-locked? Risto's [https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Special:CentralAuth/Risto_hot_sir Global account information] indicates that risto was locked by steward/[[User:Wim_b]]. However, it has been implied and also outright stated by Global sysop/user:Praxidicae that Risto has been banned. So which is it: banned or locked?
Please don't forget to ping me. Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 02:16, 24 May 2022 (UTC)

:[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]], it is a global lock, not a ban. In the months leading up to the lock, Risto decided to try and increase their edit count by finding images and adding them to articles in dozens of languages which they do not speak. Though in some cases this was accepted by the local communities, in others the images were out of place or disruptive. Whenever Risto was asked to stop, they would quickly become uncivil and rude, and they were blocked on multiple projects for their behavior. Shortly after, Risto started creating other accounts to evade those blocks. Block evasion on multiple projects is cross-wiki abuse, and a lock was imposed. Risto was asked to stop multiple times on multiple projects prior to the lock, and never adjusted their pattern. If they had not continued creating new accounts, and had appealed and agreed to stop editing projects where they don’t know the language or where the local community doesn’t want them to, they could very well be editing freely right now. But instead we’ve had three years of lock and block evasion. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 11:38, 24 May 2022 (UTC)
::@Vermont, thanks for confirming that Risto was not banned but merely locked out of wikimedia projects. I think what you are saying is that Risto was locked because someone suspected risto of socking? If so, are all suspected socks automatically locked out of wmf-projects, or are there others who go through a different process? Thanks for pinging me. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 11:05, 25 May 2022 (UTC)
:::[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]]. Again, no. Risto is not “suspected” to have been socking. ''Risto has been evading blocks with sockpuppets for over three years.'' Sockpuppets are locked when found. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 12:26, 25 May 2022 (UTC)
::::are there other sockpuppeteers  who go through a different process? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:42, 25 May 2022 (UTC)
:::::Not really...if someone is locked, and they create an account to evade the lock, that one will be locked too. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 13:55, 25 May 2022 (UTC)
::::::@Vermont, sorry it appears my previous question was not properly phrased. Let me try again:
::::::You said this in regard to Risto: &lt;blockquote&gt;  If they had not continued creating new accounts, and had appealed and agreed to stop editing projects where they don’t know the language or where the local community doesn’t want them to, they could very well be editing freely right now&lt;/blockquote&gt;
::::::So I assume that you believe the reason Risto was globally-locked is that they were determined to be a '''sock-master''' on several wmf-projects?  If so my question is: are there other wmf-editors who were blocked on some individual projects, but who were not globally-locked as a result? Did these other wmf-editors go through a different Global process? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 15:32, 25 May 2022 (UTC)
:::::::There are tons of editors blocked on individual projects and not locked, and many blocked on multiple projects and not locked. However, cross-wiki abuse is not simply being blocked on multiple projects. In this case, Risto was only locked after evading blocks on 4 or so projects. Appealing local blocks is not a global process, and each project has their own processes for that. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 15:40, 25 May 2022 (UTC)

== THANX A LOT FOR THE REVERT, U FELL INTO MY TRAP, HAHAHAHHA THEN YOUR FUKBUDDIES CAME TO &quot;THE RESCUE&quot; ANT, FERIEN, COME AGAIN PLEASE! ==

YOU MADE MY DAY!GAGGAGA HGHHAJHAHHA~ [[Special:Contributions/114.10.10.108|114.10.10.108]] 04:05, 12 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>nb5ovbxuownmvhqs0aobbc6b4i62phy</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153807</id>
      <parentid>3153806</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-12T04:13:41Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Antandrus</username>
        <id>237630</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Undo revision 3153806 by [[Special:Contributions/190.117.166.111|190.117.166.111]] ([[User talk:190.117.166.111|talk]]) go away</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="15002" xml:space="preserve">=== Welcome ===
{{Welcome}} [[User:1997kB|1997kB]] ([[User talk:1997kB|talk]]) 17:50, 14 October 2018 (UTC)

==Admins==
Are there no admins here? Thanks for reverting, but that's only half the work. [[User:Drmies|Drmies]] ([[User talk:Drmies|talk]]) 03:10, 6 December 2018 (UTC)
:{{u|Drmies}} There's 25. I don't believe any are online. I'm currently requesting a global block for the /16 at SRG, and I recommend you email oversight if you haven't already. (stewards oversight, there's no local oversighters) Thanks, [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 03:11, 6 December 2018 (UTC)
::I already have, but they're asleep at the wheel too. This is someone who calls themselves WhenDatHotlineBling, and they've taken an unhealthy interest in me. [[User:Drmies|Drmies]] ([[User talk:Drmies|talk]]) 03:14, 6 December 2018 (UTC)

== Eww ==

You should really link to Central Auth instead of Global user contributions in your user page. Global contribs is terribly clunky. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:31, 11 May 2019 (UTC)
:It links to both. See “accounts in all Wikimedia projects.” [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 14:33, 11 May 2019 (UTC)

== Global lock evasion ==
Hi Vermont. Sorry to bother you. If you have a minute could you explain what global lock evasion is? I am trying to understand [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=%E1%B9%ACh%C4%81nissaro_Bhikkhu&amp;curid=221907&amp;diff=2706504&amp;oldid=2706211 this edit.] Thanks! ~ [[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]] ([[User talk:Peter1c|talk]]) 22:54, 5 December 2019 (UTC)
:Hi [[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]]. Their edits to this project are made in contravention to an active global lock that has been placed on multiple of their accounts and sockpuppets. Their original account was [[User:Risto hot sir]]. Thank you, [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 01:22, 6 December 2019 (UTC)
:: Hi Vermont. Thanks for explaining this. In this case, it seems the edit is an improvement to the page. Is it OK if I redo the additions? Thanks. ~ [[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]] ([[User talk:Peter1c|talk]])
:::It is not a problem, of course, but there is the hope that reverting his edits will deter him from trying to continue to edit. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 14:45, 6 December 2019 (UTC)
::::Makes sense. Is this a permanent block? I wasn't following the proceedings for block of this user. ~ [[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]] ([[User talk:Peter1c|talk]]) 14:51, 6 December 2019 (UTC)
:::::[[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]], it is not necessarily permanent. Many editors whose accounts were formerly locked for crosswiki abuse have been unlocked after successful appeals. However, considering he is actively evading the lock and editing despite it, it is extremely unlikely he will be unlocked. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 16:04, 6 December 2019 (UTC)
::::@Vermont why should wikiqutiens who believe [[User:Risto hot sir]] is doing good work on WQ want to deter this user from contributing? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:33, 22 January 2021 (UTC)
:::::[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]], if your goal is purely to maximize the quantity of &quot;good work&quot; on the English Wikiquote, then you would not want to deter this user from contributing. However, if you cared at all for the dozens of projects that Risto made unconstructive edits on, or the projects whose administrators they ignored and insulted, or the projects where they are blocked from editing, or the basic policies that govern nearly all Wikimedia projects, you would not logically want Risto to contribute. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 00:39, 25 January 2021 (UTC)
::: {{Yo|Peter1c}} Thanks for helping the WQ community understand why someone who is doing constructive work on WQ is globally locked by Stewards who are working to advance what best for the wmf-comunity. More at :[[User_talk:Vermont#&quot;You_cannot_be_an_active_sockmaster_on_5_wikis_and_a_constructive_editor_elsewhere&quot;]] [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:33, 22 January 2021 (UTC)

== Rape of the Sabine women ==

Hello! I removed the image &quot;rape of the Sabine women&quot; because it has nothing to do with sexual slavery. An alternative (and better!) title of the painting is the &quot;abduction of the Sabine women&quot;. --[[Special:Contributions/2001:8003:4085:8100:FC68:B6EB:2842:815E|2001:8003:4085:8100:FC68:B6EB:2842:815E]] 02:44, 13 February 2020 (UTC)
:[[User:2001:8003:4085:8100:FC68:B6EB:2842:815E|2001:8003:4085:8100:FC68:B6EB:2842:815E]], okay. Apologies for reverting your edit; I confused you with a vandal who commonly replaces content with &lt;nowiki&gt;&quot;[[|thumb|]]&quot;&lt;/nowiki&gt;, which makes the edit hard to revert by normal means. I agree that the image you replaced it with is more suitable. Regards, [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 02:52, 13 February 2020 (UTC)

== &quot;You cannot be an active sockmaster on 5 wikis and a constructive editor elsewhere&quot; ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}},
I came here to try to quietly iron out the statement you made publicly elsewhere on WQ, but it appears that other wikiquotiens (or wikiquoters?) have already [[User_talk:Vermont#Global_lock_evasion|beat me to it]]. Since this is your talk-page I wonder if you have a preference of where to discusse it? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:08, 18 January 2021 (UTC)
:This is an okay place to discuss it. What about my statement do you want to discuss? [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 17:19, 18 January 2021 (UTC)
:: re: You cannot be an active sockmaster on 5 wikis and a constructive editor elsewhere
:::You have made this statement which appears to be shared by other admins/bureaucrats/global-admins/stewards/patrollers/developers (did I miss any title?) across the  wmf-universe, I think? However, at least on WQ it appears there are some &quot;regular editors&quot; who do not share this view. Was the topic discussed and agreed upon somewhere, so that regular users can understand the rationale behind this sweeping statement? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:41, 18 January 2021 (UTC)
::::I am not sure if it was discussed anywhere, but it is a matter of fact rather than an opinion. If someone is disruptively editing on multiple projects, we cannot permit them to continue disruptively editing globally because one or a handful of projects find their additions acceptable. To do so would mean one could vandalize dozens of projects while making good edits on a handful of projects, and avoid a lock. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 22:20, 18 January 2021 (UTC)
::::: @Vermont,why have changed the topic of this discussion? I did not ask about editors who edit disruptively and vandalize, I asked about sockmasters who according to [[Wikiquote:Administrators%27_noticeboard#Statement_by_Vermont|your statement]] cannot be  constructive on projects where they have not been actively blocked. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:16, 22 January 2021 (UTC)

In reality it is 150,000 useful edits on hundreds of wikis and only a handful problematic projects. Better arguments needed!
:@anon: I think the statement you are making is that [[User:Risto hot sir]] made 150,000 edits that are useful for the wmf-community, but was blocked by a handful of problematic wmf-projects? Just trying to paraphrase. Please correct if you disagree. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:16, 22 January 2021 (UTC)

== Risto ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}},

I saw your post  at [[User talk:AmandaNP]] and since this matter concerns you more than the other stewards of the wmf, I came here to ask a simple question, rather than to relitigate a saga that has been going on since 2019.

What steps should Risto take to have their locked status removed? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:35, 18 May 2022 (UTC)

:I forgot to mention that I would appreciate being pinged when you answer. Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:37, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
::[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]], &quot;stewards of the wmf&quot; is not a thing. Stewards are elected by the community. The WMF is not involved in those processes. This has been explained to you multiple times, and you continue to say variations of that, for reasons I cannot discern. 
::As for Risto, if they would stop evading their blocks/locks for 6-12 months and would send in an appeal to the Stewards, that can be discussed with them. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 13:07, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
:::Are you saying that users who are suspected of sockpuppeering must wait 6-12 months before they are permitted to appeal? BTW thank you for pinging me. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:57, 19 May 2022 (UTC)
::::[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]], it's difficult to believe the sincerity of an appeal when the last time that person evaded a block/lock was yesterday. Refraining from evading blocks/locks for a period of time is a show of good faith and sincerity, and weighs heavily on the possibility of an appeal. It is not a set rule or by any means a guarantee of a successful appeal, but it is generally the advice we give people. After that period, when we know the user intends to return and follow community policy, we can discuss the issues that led to the block/locks. Also, it's not &quot;suspected&quot; in this case, it is quite clear. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 17:26, 19 May 2022 (UTC)
:::::How important is it in your opinion to show good faith and sincerity in comparison to, say, AGF? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 13:02, 20 May 2022 (UTC)
::::::As in, should we just trust that someone is not going to abuse Wikimedia projects after having done so for over three years, rather than expecting that they would put the minor amount of effort to ''stop'' for a few months prior to appealing? No...in my opinion the burden is on the person who has demonstrably caused problems for years to prove that allowing them to return to the community would not result in the same problems. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 16:34, 20 May 2022 (UTC)
===Is Risto banned or globally locked on Wikimedia projects===
@{{PAGENAME}}: Before  [[User:Risto hot sir]] became  a sock they contributed 40K edits to enwq. It is not clear why they were blocked in the first place. Was Risto globally-banned or  globally-locked? Risto's [https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Special:CentralAuth/Risto_hot_sir Global account information] indicates that risto was locked by steward/[[User:Wim_b]]. However, it has been implied and also outright stated by Global sysop/user:Praxidicae that Risto has been banned. So which is it: banned or locked?
Please don't forget to ping me. Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 02:16, 24 May 2022 (UTC)

:[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]], it is a global lock, not a ban. In the months leading up to the lock, Risto decided to try and increase their edit count by finding images and adding them to articles in dozens of languages which they do not speak. Though in some cases this was accepted by the local communities, in others the images were out of place or disruptive. Whenever Risto was asked to stop, they would quickly become uncivil and rude, and they were blocked on multiple projects for their behavior. Shortly after, Risto started creating other accounts to evade those blocks. Block evasion on multiple projects is cross-wiki abuse, and a lock was imposed. Risto was asked to stop multiple times on multiple projects prior to the lock, and never adjusted their pattern. If they had not continued creating new accounts, and had appealed and agreed to stop editing projects where they don’t know the language or where the local community doesn’t want them to, they could very well be editing freely right now. But instead we’ve had three years of lock and block evasion. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 11:38, 24 May 2022 (UTC)
::@Vermont, thanks for confirming that Risto was not banned but merely locked out of wikimedia projects. I think what you are saying is that Risto was locked because someone suspected risto of socking? If so, are all suspected socks automatically locked out of wmf-projects, or are there others who go through a different process? Thanks for pinging me. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 11:05, 25 May 2022 (UTC)
:::[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]]. Again, no. Risto is not “suspected” to have been socking. ''Risto has been evading blocks with sockpuppets for over three years.'' Sockpuppets are locked when found. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 12:26, 25 May 2022 (UTC)
::::are there other sockpuppeteers  who go through a different process? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:42, 25 May 2022 (UTC)
:::::Not really...if someone is locked, and they create an account to evade the lock, that one will be locked too. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 13:55, 25 May 2022 (UTC)
::::::@Vermont, sorry it appears my previous question was not properly phrased. Let me try again:
::::::You said this in regard to Risto: &lt;blockquote&gt;  If they had not continued creating new accounts, and had appealed and agreed to stop editing projects where they don’t know the language or where the local community doesn’t want them to, they could very well be editing freely right now&lt;/blockquote&gt;
::::::So I assume that you believe the reason Risto was globally-locked is that they were determined to be a '''sock-master''' on several wmf-projects?  If so my question is: are there other wmf-editors who were blocked on some individual projects, but who were not globally-locked as a result? Did these other wmf-editors go through a different Global process? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 15:32, 25 May 2022 (UTC)
:::::::There are tons of editors blocked on individual projects and not locked, and many blocked on multiple projects and not locked. However, cross-wiki abuse is not simply being blocked on multiple projects. In this case, Risto was only locked after evading blocks on 4 or so projects. Appealing local blocks is not a global process, and each project has their own processes for that. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 15:40, 25 May 2022 (UTC)</text>
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        <ip>181.163.220.109</ip>
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      <comment>STUPID ST'LKER! LOL!</comment>
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      <text bytes="15262" xml:space="preserve">=== Welcome ===
{{Welcome}} [[User:1997kB|1997kB]] ([[User talk:1997kB|talk]]) 17:50, 14 October 2018 (UTC)

==Admins==
Are there no admins here? Thanks for reverting, but that's only half the work. [[User:Drmies|Drmies]] ([[User talk:Drmies|talk]]) 03:10, 6 December 2018 (UTC)
:{{u|Drmies}} There's 25. I don't believe any are online. I'm currently requesting a global block for the /16 at SRG, and I recommend you email oversight if you haven't already. (stewards oversight, there's no local oversighters) Thanks, [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 03:11, 6 December 2018 (UTC)
::I already have, but they're asleep at the wheel too. This is someone who calls themselves WhenDatHotlineBling, and they've taken an unhealthy interest in me. [[User:Drmies|Drmies]] ([[User talk:Drmies|talk]]) 03:14, 6 December 2018 (UTC)

== Eww ==

You should really link to Central Auth instead of Global user contributions in your user page. Global contribs is terribly clunky. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:31, 11 May 2019 (UTC)
:It links to both. See “accounts in all Wikimedia projects.” [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 14:33, 11 May 2019 (UTC)

== Global lock evasion ==
Hi Vermont. Sorry to bother you. If you have a minute could you explain what global lock evasion is? I am trying to understand [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=%E1%B9%ACh%C4%81nissaro_Bhikkhu&amp;curid=221907&amp;diff=2706504&amp;oldid=2706211 this edit.] Thanks! ~ [[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]] ([[User talk:Peter1c|talk]]) 22:54, 5 December 2019 (UTC)
:Hi [[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]]. Their edits to this project are made in contravention to an active global lock that has been placed on multiple of their accounts and sockpuppets. Their original account was [[User:Risto hot sir]]. Thank you, [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 01:22, 6 December 2019 (UTC)
:: Hi Vermont. Thanks for explaining this. In this case, it seems the edit is an improvement to the page. Is it OK if I redo the additions? Thanks. ~ [[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]] ([[User talk:Peter1c|talk]])
:::It is not a problem, of course, but there is the hope that reverting his edits will deter him from trying to continue to edit. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 14:45, 6 December 2019 (UTC)
::::Makes sense. Is this a permanent block? I wasn't following the proceedings for block of this user. ~ [[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]] ([[User talk:Peter1c|talk]]) 14:51, 6 December 2019 (UTC)
:::::[[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]], it is not necessarily permanent. Many editors whose accounts were formerly locked for crosswiki abuse have been unlocked after successful appeals. However, considering he is actively evading the lock and editing despite it, it is extremely unlikely he will be unlocked. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 16:04, 6 December 2019 (UTC)
::::@Vermont why should wikiqutiens who believe [[User:Risto hot sir]] is doing good work on WQ want to deter this user from contributing? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:33, 22 January 2021 (UTC)
:::::[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]], if your goal is purely to maximize the quantity of &quot;good work&quot; on the English Wikiquote, then you would not want to deter this user from contributing. However, if you cared at all for the dozens of projects that Risto made unconstructive edits on, or the projects whose administrators they ignored and insulted, or the projects where they are blocked from editing, or the basic policies that govern nearly all Wikimedia projects, you would not logically want Risto to contribute. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 00:39, 25 January 2021 (UTC)
::: {{Yo|Peter1c}} Thanks for helping the WQ community understand why someone who is doing constructive work on WQ is globally locked by Stewards who are working to advance what best for the wmf-comunity. More at :[[User_talk:Vermont#&quot;You_cannot_be_an_active_sockmaster_on_5_wikis_and_a_constructive_editor_elsewhere&quot;]] [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:33, 22 January 2021 (UTC)

== Rape of the Sabine women ==

Hello! I removed the image &quot;rape of the Sabine women&quot; because it has nothing to do with sexual slavery. An alternative (and better!) title of the painting is the &quot;abduction of the Sabine women&quot;. --[[Special:Contributions/2001:8003:4085:8100:FC68:B6EB:2842:815E|2001:8003:4085:8100:FC68:B6EB:2842:815E]] 02:44, 13 February 2020 (UTC)
:[[User:2001:8003:4085:8100:FC68:B6EB:2842:815E|2001:8003:4085:8100:FC68:B6EB:2842:815E]], okay. Apologies for reverting your edit; I confused you with a vandal who commonly replaces content with &lt;nowiki&gt;&quot;[[|thumb|]]&quot;&lt;/nowiki&gt;, which makes the edit hard to revert by normal means. I agree that the image you replaced it with is more suitable. Regards, [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 02:52, 13 February 2020 (UTC)

== &quot;You cannot be an active sockmaster on 5 wikis and a constructive editor elsewhere&quot; ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}},
I came here to try to quietly iron out the statement you made publicly elsewhere on WQ, but it appears that other wikiquotiens (or wikiquoters?) have already [[User_talk:Vermont#Global_lock_evasion|beat me to it]]. Since this is your talk-page I wonder if you have a preference of where to discusse it? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:08, 18 January 2021 (UTC)
:This is an okay place to discuss it. What about my statement do you want to discuss? [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 17:19, 18 January 2021 (UTC)
:: re: You cannot be an active sockmaster on 5 wikis and a constructive editor elsewhere
:::You have made this statement which appears to be shared by other admins/bureaucrats/global-admins/stewards/patrollers/developers (did I miss any title?) across the  wmf-universe, I think? However, at least on WQ it appears there are some &quot;regular editors&quot; who do not share this view. Was the topic discussed and agreed upon somewhere, so that regular users can understand the rationale behind this sweeping statement? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:41, 18 January 2021 (UTC)
::::I am not sure if it was discussed anywhere, but it is a matter of fact rather than an opinion. If someone is disruptively editing on multiple projects, we cannot permit them to continue disruptively editing globally because one or a handful of projects find their additions acceptable. To do so would mean one could vandalize dozens of projects while making good edits on a handful of projects, and avoid a lock. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 22:20, 18 January 2021 (UTC)
::::: @Vermont,why have changed the topic of this discussion? I did not ask about editors who edit disruptively and vandalize, I asked about sockmasters who according to [[Wikiquote:Administrators%27_noticeboard#Statement_by_Vermont|your statement]] cannot be  constructive on projects where they have not been actively blocked. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:16, 22 January 2021 (UTC)

In reality it is 150,000 useful edits on hundreds of wikis and only a handful problematic projects. Better arguments needed!
:@anon: I think the statement you are making is that [[User:Risto hot sir]] made 150,000 edits that are useful for the wmf-community, but was blocked by a handful of problematic wmf-projects? Just trying to paraphrase. Please correct if you disagree. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:16, 22 January 2021 (UTC)

== Risto ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}},

I saw your post  at [[User talk:AmandaNP]] and since this matter concerns you more than the other stewards of the wmf, I came here to ask a simple question, rather than to relitigate a saga that has been going on since 2019.

What steps should Risto take to have their locked status removed? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:35, 18 May 2022 (UTC)

:I forgot to mention that I would appreciate being pinged when you answer. Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:37, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
::[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]], &quot;stewards of the wmf&quot; is not a thing. Stewards are elected by the community. The WMF is not involved in those processes. This has been explained to you multiple times, and you continue to say variations of that, for reasons I cannot discern. 
::As for Risto, if they would stop evading their blocks/locks for 6-12 months and would send in an appeal to the Stewards, that can be discussed with them. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 13:07, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
:::Are you saying that users who are suspected of sockpuppeering must wait 6-12 months before they are permitted to appeal? BTW thank you for pinging me. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:57, 19 May 2022 (UTC)
::::[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]], it's difficult to believe the sincerity of an appeal when the last time that person evaded a block/lock was yesterday. Refraining from evading blocks/locks for a period of time is a show of good faith and sincerity, and weighs heavily on the possibility of an appeal. It is not a set rule or by any means a guarantee of a successful appeal, but it is generally the advice we give people. After that period, when we know the user intends to return and follow community policy, we can discuss the issues that led to the block/locks. Also, it's not &quot;suspected&quot; in this case, it is quite clear. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 17:26, 19 May 2022 (UTC)
:::::How important is it in your opinion to show good faith and sincerity in comparison to, say, AGF? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 13:02, 20 May 2022 (UTC)
::::::As in, should we just trust that someone is not going to abuse Wikimedia projects after having done so for over three years, rather than expecting that they would put the minor amount of effort to ''stop'' for a few months prior to appealing? No...in my opinion the burden is on the person who has demonstrably caused problems for years to prove that allowing them to return to the community would not result in the same problems. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 16:34, 20 May 2022 (UTC)
===Is Risto banned or globally locked on Wikimedia projects===
@{{PAGENAME}}: Before  [[User:Risto hot sir]] became  a sock they contributed 40K edits to enwq. It is not clear why they were blocked in the first place. Was Risto globally-banned or  globally-locked? Risto's [https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Special:CentralAuth/Risto_hot_sir Global account information] indicates that risto was locked by steward/[[User:Wim_b]]. However, it has been implied and also outright stated by Global sysop/user:Praxidicae that Risto has been banned. So which is it: banned or locked?
Please don't forget to ping me. Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 02:16, 24 May 2022 (UTC)

:[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]], it is a global lock, not a ban. In the months leading up to the lock, Risto decided to try and increase their edit count by finding images and adding them to articles in dozens of languages which they do not speak. Though in some cases this was accepted by the local communities, in others the images were out of place or disruptive. Whenever Risto was asked to stop, they would quickly become uncivil and rude, and they were blocked on multiple projects for their behavior. Shortly after, Risto started creating other accounts to evade those blocks. Block evasion on multiple projects is cross-wiki abuse, and a lock was imposed. Risto was asked to stop multiple times on multiple projects prior to the lock, and never adjusted their pattern. If they had not continued creating new accounts, and had appealed and agreed to stop editing projects where they don’t know the language or where the local community doesn’t want them to, they could very well be editing freely right now. But instead we’ve had three years of lock and block evasion. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 11:38, 24 May 2022 (UTC)
::@Vermont, thanks for confirming that Risto was not banned but merely locked out of wikimedia projects. I think what you are saying is that Risto was locked because someone suspected risto of socking? If so, are all suspected socks automatically locked out of wmf-projects, or are there others who go through a different process? Thanks for pinging me. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 11:05, 25 May 2022 (UTC)
:::[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]]. Again, no. Risto is not “suspected” to have been socking. ''Risto has been evading blocks with sockpuppets for over three years.'' Sockpuppets are locked when found. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 12:26, 25 May 2022 (UTC)
::::are there other sockpuppeteers  who go through a different process? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:42, 25 May 2022 (UTC)
:::::Not really...if someone is locked, and they create an account to evade the lock, that one will be locked too. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 13:55, 25 May 2022 (UTC)
::::::@Vermont, sorry it appears my previous question was not properly phrased. Let me try again:
::::::You said this in regard to Risto: &lt;blockquote&gt;  If they had not continued creating new accounts, and had appealed and agreed to stop editing projects where they don’t know the language or where the local community doesn’t want them to, they could very well be editing freely right now&lt;/blockquote&gt;
::::::So I assume that you believe the reason Risto was globally-locked is that they were determined to be a '''sock-master''' on several wmf-projects?  If so my question is: are there other wmf-editors who were blocked on some individual projects, but who were not globally-locked as a result? Did these other wmf-editors go through a different Global process? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 15:32, 25 May 2022 (UTC)
:::::::There are tons of editors blocked on individual projects and not locked, and many blocked on multiple projects and not locked. However, cross-wiki abuse is not simply being blocked on multiple projects. In this case, Risto was only locked after evading blocks on 4 or so projects. Appealing local blocks is not a global process, and each project has their own processes for that. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 15:40, 25 May 2022 (UTC)

== THANX A LOT FOR THE REVERT, U FELL INTO MY TRAP, HAHAHAHHA THEN YOUR FUKBUDDIES CAME TO &quot;THE RESCUE&quot; ANT, FERIEN, COME AGAIN PLEASE! ==

YOU MADE MY DAY!GAGGAGA HGHHAJHAHHA~ [[Special:Contributions/114.10.10.108|114.10.10.108]] 04:05, 12 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>nb5ovbxuownmvhqs0aobbc6b4i62phy</sha1>
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      <comment>Undo revision 3153808 by [[Special:Contributions/181.163.220.109|181.163.220.109]] ([[User talk:181.163.220.109|talk]])COME ON BRINT IT BOYS!</comment>
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      <text bytes="15002" xml:space="preserve">=== Welcome ===
{{Welcome}} [[User:1997kB|1997kB]] ([[User talk:1997kB|talk]]) 17:50, 14 October 2018 (UTC)

==Admins==
Are there no admins here? Thanks for reverting, but that's only half the work. [[User:Drmies|Drmies]] ([[User talk:Drmies|talk]]) 03:10, 6 December 2018 (UTC)
:{{u|Drmies}} There's 25. I don't believe any are online. I'm currently requesting a global block for the /16 at SRG, and I recommend you email oversight if you haven't already. (stewards oversight, there's no local oversighters) Thanks, [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 03:11, 6 December 2018 (UTC)
::I already have, but they're asleep at the wheel too. This is someone who calls themselves WhenDatHotlineBling, and they've taken an unhealthy interest in me. [[User:Drmies|Drmies]] ([[User talk:Drmies|talk]]) 03:14, 6 December 2018 (UTC)

== Eww ==

You should really link to Central Auth instead of Global user contributions in your user page. Global contribs is terribly clunky. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:31, 11 May 2019 (UTC)
:It links to both. See “accounts in all Wikimedia projects.” [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 14:33, 11 May 2019 (UTC)

== Global lock evasion ==
Hi Vermont. Sorry to bother you. If you have a minute could you explain what global lock evasion is? I am trying to understand [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=%E1%B9%ACh%C4%81nissaro_Bhikkhu&amp;curid=221907&amp;diff=2706504&amp;oldid=2706211 this edit.] Thanks! ~ [[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]] ([[User talk:Peter1c|talk]]) 22:54, 5 December 2019 (UTC)
:Hi [[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]]. Their edits to this project are made in contravention to an active global lock that has been placed on multiple of their accounts and sockpuppets. Their original account was [[User:Risto hot sir]]. Thank you, [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 01:22, 6 December 2019 (UTC)
:: Hi Vermont. Thanks for explaining this. In this case, it seems the edit is an improvement to the page. Is it OK if I redo the additions? Thanks. ~ [[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]] ([[User talk:Peter1c|talk]])
:::It is not a problem, of course, but there is the hope that reverting his edits will deter him from trying to continue to edit. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 14:45, 6 December 2019 (UTC)
::::Makes sense. Is this a permanent block? I wasn't following the proceedings for block of this user. ~ [[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]] ([[User talk:Peter1c|talk]]) 14:51, 6 December 2019 (UTC)
:::::[[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]], it is not necessarily permanent. Many editors whose accounts were formerly locked for crosswiki abuse have been unlocked after successful appeals. However, considering he is actively evading the lock and editing despite it, it is extremely unlikely he will be unlocked. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 16:04, 6 December 2019 (UTC)
::::@Vermont why should wikiqutiens who believe [[User:Risto hot sir]] is doing good work on WQ want to deter this user from contributing? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:33, 22 January 2021 (UTC)
:::::[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]], if your goal is purely to maximize the quantity of &quot;good work&quot; on the English Wikiquote, then you would not want to deter this user from contributing. However, if you cared at all for the dozens of projects that Risto made unconstructive edits on, or the projects whose administrators they ignored and insulted, or the projects where they are blocked from editing, or the basic policies that govern nearly all Wikimedia projects, you would not logically want Risto to contribute. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 00:39, 25 January 2021 (UTC)
::: {{Yo|Peter1c}} Thanks for helping the WQ community understand why someone who is doing constructive work on WQ is globally locked by Stewards who are working to advance what best for the wmf-comunity. More at :[[User_talk:Vermont#&quot;You_cannot_be_an_active_sockmaster_on_5_wikis_and_a_constructive_editor_elsewhere&quot;]] [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:33, 22 January 2021 (UTC)

== Rape of the Sabine women ==

Hello! I removed the image &quot;rape of the Sabine women&quot; because it has nothing to do with sexual slavery. An alternative (and better!) title of the painting is the &quot;abduction of the Sabine women&quot;. --[[Special:Contributions/2001:8003:4085:8100:FC68:B6EB:2842:815E|2001:8003:4085:8100:FC68:B6EB:2842:815E]] 02:44, 13 February 2020 (UTC)
:[[User:2001:8003:4085:8100:FC68:B6EB:2842:815E|2001:8003:4085:8100:FC68:B6EB:2842:815E]], okay. Apologies for reverting your edit; I confused you with a vandal who commonly replaces content with &lt;nowiki&gt;&quot;[[|thumb|]]&quot;&lt;/nowiki&gt;, which makes the edit hard to revert by normal means. I agree that the image you replaced it with is more suitable. Regards, [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 02:52, 13 February 2020 (UTC)

== &quot;You cannot be an active sockmaster on 5 wikis and a constructive editor elsewhere&quot; ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}},
I came here to try to quietly iron out the statement you made publicly elsewhere on WQ, but it appears that other wikiquotiens (or wikiquoters?) have already [[User_talk:Vermont#Global_lock_evasion|beat me to it]]. Since this is your talk-page I wonder if you have a preference of where to discusse it? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:08, 18 January 2021 (UTC)
:This is an okay place to discuss it. What about my statement do you want to discuss? [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 17:19, 18 January 2021 (UTC)
:: re: You cannot be an active sockmaster on 5 wikis and a constructive editor elsewhere
:::You have made this statement which appears to be shared by other admins/bureaucrats/global-admins/stewards/patrollers/developers (did I miss any title?) across the  wmf-universe, I think? However, at least on WQ it appears there are some &quot;regular editors&quot; who do not share this view. Was the topic discussed and agreed upon somewhere, so that regular users can understand the rationale behind this sweeping statement? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:41, 18 January 2021 (UTC)
::::I am not sure if it was discussed anywhere, but it is a matter of fact rather than an opinion. If someone is disruptively editing on multiple projects, we cannot permit them to continue disruptively editing globally because one or a handful of projects find their additions acceptable. To do so would mean one could vandalize dozens of projects while making good edits on a handful of projects, and avoid a lock. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 22:20, 18 January 2021 (UTC)
::::: @Vermont,why have changed the topic of this discussion? I did not ask about editors who edit disruptively and vandalize, I asked about sockmasters who according to [[Wikiquote:Administrators%27_noticeboard#Statement_by_Vermont|your statement]] cannot be  constructive on projects where they have not been actively blocked. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:16, 22 January 2021 (UTC)

In reality it is 150,000 useful edits on hundreds of wikis and only a handful problematic projects. Better arguments needed!
:@anon: I think the statement you are making is that [[User:Risto hot sir]] made 150,000 edits that are useful for the wmf-community, but was blocked by a handful of problematic wmf-projects? Just trying to paraphrase. Please correct if you disagree. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:16, 22 January 2021 (UTC)

== Risto ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}},

I saw your post  at [[User talk:AmandaNP]] and since this matter concerns you more than the other stewards of the wmf, I came here to ask a simple question, rather than to relitigate a saga that has been going on since 2019.

What steps should Risto take to have their locked status removed? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:35, 18 May 2022 (UTC)

:I forgot to mention that I would appreciate being pinged when you answer. Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:37, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
::[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]], &quot;stewards of the wmf&quot; is not a thing. Stewards are elected by the community. The WMF is not involved in those processes. This has been explained to you multiple times, and you continue to say variations of that, for reasons I cannot discern. 
::As for Risto, if they would stop evading their blocks/locks for 6-12 months and would send in an appeal to the Stewards, that can be discussed with them. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 13:07, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
:::Are you saying that users who are suspected of sockpuppeering must wait 6-12 months before they are permitted to appeal? BTW thank you for pinging me. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:57, 19 May 2022 (UTC)
::::[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]], it's difficult to believe the sincerity of an appeal when the last time that person evaded a block/lock was yesterday. Refraining from evading blocks/locks for a period of time is a show of good faith and sincerity, and weighs heavily on the possibility of an appeal. It is not a set rule or by any means a guarantee of a successful appeal, but it is generally the advice we give people. After that period, when we know the user intends to return and follow community policy, we can discuss the issues that led to the block/locks. Also, it's not &quot;suspected&quot; in this case, it is quite clear. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 17:26, 19 May 2022 (UTC)
:::::How important is it in your opinion to show good faith and sincerity in comparison to, say, AGF? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 13:02, 20 May 2022 (UTC)
::::::As in, should we just trust that someone is not going to abuse Wikimedia projects after having done so for over three years, rather than expecting that they would put the minor amount of effort to ''stop'' for a few months prior to appealing? No...in my opinion the burden is on the person who has demonstrably caused problems for years to prove that allowing them to return to the community would not result in the same problems. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 16:34, 20 May 2022 (UTC)
===Is Risto banned or globally locked on Wikimedia projects===
@{{PAGENAME}}: Before  [[User:Risto hot sir]] became  a sock they contributed 40K edits to enwq. It is not clear why they were blocked in the first place. Was Risto globally-banned or  globally-locked? Risto's [https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Special:CentralAuth/Risto_hot_sir Global account information] indicates that risto was locked by steward/[[User:Wim_b]]. However, it has been implied and also outright stated by Global sysop/user:Praxidicae that Risto has been banned. So which is it: banned or locked?
Please don't forget to ping me. Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 02:16, 24 May 2022 (UTC)

:[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]], it is a global lock, not a ban. In the months leading up to the lock, Risto decided to try and increase their edit count by finding images and adding them to articles in dozens of languages which they do not speak. Though in some cases this was accepted by the local communities, in others the images were out of place or disruptive. Whenever Risto was asked to stop, they would quickly become uncivil and rude, and they were blocked on multiple projects for their behavior. Shortly after, Risto started creating other accounts to evade those blocks. Block evasion on multiple projects is cross-wiki abuse, and a lock was imposed. Risto was asked to stop multiple times on multiple projects prior to the lock, and never adjusted their pattern. If they had not continued creating new accounts, and had appealed and agreed to stop editing projects where they don’t know the language or where the local community doesn’t want them to, they could very well be editing freely right now. But instead we’ve had three years of lock and block evasion. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 11:38, 24 May 2022 (UTC)
::@Vermont, thanks for confirming that Risto was not banned but merely locked out of wikimedia projects. I think what you are saying is that Risto was locked because someone suspected risto of socking? If so, are all suspected socks automatically locked out of wmf-projects, or are there others who go through a different process? Thanks for pinging me. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 11:05, 25 May 2022 (UTC)
:::[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]]. Again, no. Risto is not “suspected” to have been socking. ''Risto has been evading blocks with sockpuppets for over three years.'' Sockpuppets are locked when found. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 12:26, 25 May 2022 (UTC)
::::are there other sockpuppeteers  who go through a different process? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:42, 25 May 2022 (UTC)
:::::Not really...if someone is locked, and they create an account to evade the lock, that one will be locked too. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 13:55, 25 May 2022 (UTC)
::::::@Vermont, sorry it appears my previous question was not properly phrased. Let me try again:
::::::You said this in regard to Risto: &lt;blockquote&gt;  If they had not continued creating new accounts, and had appealed and agreed to stop editing projects where they don’t know the language or where the local community doesn’t want them to, they could very well be editing freely right now&lt;/blockquote&gt;
::::::So I assume that you believe the reason Risto was globally-locked is that they were determined to be a '''sock-master''' on several wmf-projects?  If so my question is: are there other wmf-editors who were blocked on some individual projects, but who were not globally-locked as a result? Did these other wmf-editors go through a different Global process? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 15:32, 25 May 2022 (UTC)
:::::::There are tons of editors blocked on individual projects and not locked, and many blocked on multiple projects and not locked. However, cross-wiki abuse is not simply being blocked on multiple projects. In this case, Risto was only locked after evading blocks on 4 or so projects. Appealing local blocks is not a global process, and each project has their own processes for that. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 15:40, 25 May 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>45ifcw7mqlkclot9ggkw0u7asucpltx</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153815</id>
      <parentid>3153814</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-12T04:32:56Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>201.141.24.156</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Undo revision 3153814 by [[Special:Contributions/201.141.24.156|201.141.24.156]] ([[User talk:201.141.24.156|talk]]) yo ANT APPROVED, VERMONT KEEP ON LISTENING TO ANT LIES IN REAL LIFE, I HAVE LIST OF ALL HIS ST*LKINGS!</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="15262" xml:space="preserve">=== Welcome ===
{{Welcome}} [[User:1997kB|1997kB]] ([[User talk:1997kB|talk]]) 17:50, 14 October 2018 (UTC)

==Admins==
Are there no admins here? Thanks for reverting, but that's only half the work. [[User:Drmies|Drmies]] ([[User talk:Drmies|talk]]) 03:10, 6 December 2018 (UTC)
:{{u|Drmies}} There's 25. I don't believe any are online. I'm currently requesting a global block for the /16 at SRG, and I recommend you email oversight if you haven't already. (stewards oversight, there's no local oversighters) Thanks, [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 03:11, 6 December 2018 (UTC)
::I already have, but they're asleep at the wheel too. This is someone who calls themselves WhenDatHotlineBling, and they've taken an unhealthy interest in me. [[User:Drmies|Drmies]] ([[User talk:Drmies|talk]]) 03:14, 6 December 2018 (UTC)

== Eww ==

You should really link to Central Auth instead of Global user contributions in your user page. Global contribs is terribly clunky. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:31, 11 May 2019 (UTC)
:It links to both. See “accounts in all Wikimedia projects.” [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 14:33, 11 May 2019 (UTC)

== Global lock evasion ==
Hi Vermont. Sorry to bother you. If you have a minute could you explain what global lock evasion is? I am trying to understand [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=%E1%B9%ACh%C4%81nissaro_Bhikkhu&amp;curid=221907&amp;diff=2706504&amp;oldid=2706211 this edit.] Thanks! ~ [[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]] ([[User talk:Peter1c|talk]]) 22:54, 5 December 2019 (UTC)
:Hi [[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]]. Their edits to this project are made in contravention to an active global lock that has been placed on multiple of their accounts and sockpuppets. Their original account was [[User:Risto hot sir]]. Thank you, [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 01:22, 6 December 2019 (UTC)
:: Hi Vermont. Thanks for explaining this. In this case, it seems the edit is an improvement to the page. Is it OK if I redo the additions? Thanks. ~ [[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]] ([[User talk:Peter1c|talk]])
:::It is not a problem, of course, but there is the hope that reverting his edits will deter him from trying to continue to edit. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 14:45, 6 December 2019 (UTC)
::::Makes sense. Is this a permanent block? I wasn't following the proceedings for block of this user. ~ [[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]] ([[User talk:Peter1c|talk]]) 14:51, 6 December 2019 (UTC)
:::::[[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]], it is not necessarily permanent. Many editors whose accounts were formerly locked for crosswiki abuse have been unlocked after successful appeals. However, considering he is actively evading the lock and editing despite it, it is extremely unlikely he will be unlocked. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 16:04, 6 December 2019 (UTC)
::::@Vermont why should wikiqutiens who believe [[User:Risto hot sir]] is doing good work on WQ want to deter this user from contributing? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:33, 22 January 2021 (UTC)
:::::[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]], if your goal is purely to maximize the quantity of &quot;good work&quot; on the English Wikiquote, then you would not want to deter this user from contributing. However, if you cared at all for the dozens of projects that Risto made unconstructive edits on, or the projects whose administrators they ignored and insulted, or the projects where they are blocked from editing, or the basic policies that govern nearly all Wikimedia projects, you would not logically want Risto to contribute. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 00:39, 25 January 2021 (UTC)
::: {{Yo|Peter1c}} Thanks for helping the WQ community understand why someone who is doing constructive work on WQ is globally locked by Stewards who are working to advance what best for the wmf-comunity. More at :[[User_talk:Vermont#&quot;You_cannot_be_an_active_sockmaster_on_5_wikis_and_a_constructive_editor_elsewhere&quot;]] [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:33, 22 January 2021 (UTC)

== Rape of the Sabine women ==

Hello! I removed the image &quot;rape of the Sabine women&quot; because it has nothing to do with sexual slavery. An alternative (and better!) title of the painting is the &quot;abduction of the Sabine women&quot;. --[[Special:Contributions/2001:8003:4085:8100:FC68:B6EB:2842:815E|2001:8003:4085:8100:FC68:B6EB:2842:815E]] 02:44, 13 February 2020 (UTC)
:[[User:2001:8003:4085:8100:FC68:B6EB:2842:815E|2001:8003:4085:8100:FC68:B6EB:2842:815E]], okay. Apologies for reverting your edit; I confused you with a vandal who commonly replaces content with &lt;nowiki&gt;&quot;[[|thumb|]]&quot;&lt;/nowiki&gt;, which makes the edit hard to revert by normal means. I agree that the image you replaced it with is more suitable. Regards, [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 02:52, 13 February 2020 (UTC)

== &quot;You cannot be an active sockmaster on 5 wikis and a constructive editor elsewhere&quot; ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}},
I came here to try to quietly iron out the statement you made publicly elsewhere on WQ, but it appears that other wikiquotiens (or wikiquoters?) have already [[User_talk:Vermont#Global_lock_evasion|beat me to it]]. Since this is your talk-page I wonder if you have a preference of where to discusse it? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:08, 18 January 2021 (UTC)
:This is an okay place to discuss it. What about my statement do you want to discuss? [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 17:19, 18 January 2021 (UTC)
:: re: You cannot be an active sockmaster on 5 wikis and a constructive editor elsewhere
:::You have made this statement which appears to be shared by other admins/bureaucrats/global-admins/stewards/patrollers/developers (did I miss any title?) across the  wmf-universe, I think? However, at least on WQ it appears there are some &quot;regular editors&quot; who do not share this view. Was the topic discussed and agreed upon somewhere, so that regular users can understand the rationale behind this sweeping statement? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:41, 18 January 2021 (UTC)
::::I am not sure if it was discussed anywhere, but it is a matter of fact rather than an opinion. If someone is disruptively editing on multiple projects, we cannot permit them to continue disruptively editing globally because one or a handful of projects find their additions acceptable. To do so would mean one could vandalize dozens of projects while making good edits on a handful of projects, and avoid a lock. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 22:20, 18 January 2021 (UTC)
::::: @Vermont,why have changed the topic of this discussion? I did not ask about editors who edit disruptively and vandalize, I asked about sockmasters who according to [[Wikiquote:Administrators%27_noticeboard#Statement_by_Vermont|your statement]] cannot be  constructive on projects where they have not been actively blocked. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:16, 22 January 2021 (UTC)

In reality it is 150,000 useful edits on hundreds of wikis and only a handful problematic projects. Better arguments needed!
:@anon: I think the statement you are making is that [[User:Risto hot sir]] made 150,000 edits that are useful for the wmf-community, but was blocked by a handful of problematic wmf-projects? Just trying to paraphrase. Please correct if you disagree. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:16, 22 January 2021 (UTC)

== Risto ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}},

I saw your post  at [[User talk:AmandaNP]] and since this matter concerns you more than the other stewards of the wmf, I came here to ask a simple question, rather than to relitigate a saga that has been going on since 2019.

What steps should Risto take to have their locked status removed? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:35, 18 May 2022 (UTC)

:I forgot to mention that I would appreciate being pinged when you answer. Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:37, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
::[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]], &quot;stewards of the wmf&quot; is not a thing. Stewards are elected by the community. The WMF is not involved in those processes. This has been explained to you multiple times, and you continue to say variations of that, for reasons I cannot discern. 
::As for Risto, if they would stop evading their blocks/locks for 6-12 months and would send in an appeal to the Stewards, that can be discussed with them. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 13:07, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
:::Are you saying that users who are suspected of sockpuppeering must wait 6-12 months before they are permitted to appeal? BTW thank you for pinging me. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:57, 19 May 2022 (UTC)
::::[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]], it's difficult to believe the sincerity of an appeal when the last time that person evaded a block/lock was yesterday. Refraining from evading blocks/locks for a period of time is a show of good faith and sincerity, and weighs heavily on the possibility of an appeal. It is not a set rule or by any means a guarantee of a successful appeal, but it is generally the advice we give people. After that period, when we know the user intends to return and follow community policy, we can discuss the issues that led to the block/locks. Also, it's not &quot;suspected&quot; in this case, it is quite clear. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 17:26, 19 May 2022 (UTC)
:::::How important is it in your opinion to show good faith and sincerity in comparison to, say, AGF? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 13:02, 20 May 2022 (UTC)
::::::As in, should we just trust that someone is not going to abuse Wikimedia projects after having done so for over three years, rather than expecting that they would put the minor amount of effort to ''stop'' for a few months prior to appealing? No...in my opinion the burden is on the person who has demonstrably caused problems for years to prove that allowing them to return to the community would not result in the same problems. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 16:34, 20 May 2022 (UTC)
===Is Risto banned or globally locked on Wikimedia projects===
@{{PAGENAME}}: Before  [[User:Risto hot sir]] became  a sock they contributed 40K edits to enwq. It is not clear why they were blocked in the first place. Was Risto globally-banned or  globally-locked? Risto's [https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Special:CentralAuth/Risto_hot_sir Global account information] indicates that risto was locked by steward/[[User:Wim_b]]. However, it has been implied and also outright stated by Global sysop/user:Praxidicae that Risto has been banned. So which is it: banned or locked?
Please don't forget to ping me. Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 02:16, 24 May 2022 (UTC)

:[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]], it is a global lock, not a ban. In the months leading up to the lock, Risto decided to try and increase their edit count by finding images and adding them to articles in dozens of languages which they do not speak. Though in some cases this was accepted by the local communities, in others the images were out of place or disruptive. Whenever Risto was asked to stop, they would quickly become uncivil and rude, and they were blocked on multiple projects for their behavior. Shortly after, Risto started creating other accounts to evade those blocks. Block evasion on multiple projects is cross-wiki abuse, and a lock was imposed. Risto was asked to stop multiple times on multiple projects prior to the lock, and never adjusted their pattern. If they had not continued creating new accounts, and had appealed and agreed to stop editing projects where they don’t know the language or where the local community doesn’t want them to, they could very well be editing freely right now. But instead we’ve had three years of lock and block evasion. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 11:38, 24 May 2022 (UTC)
::@Vermont, thanks for confirming that Risto was not banned but merely locked out of wikimedia projects. I think what you are saying is that Risto was locked because someone suspected risto of socking? If so, are all suspected socks automatically locked out of wmf-projects, or are there others who go through a different process? Thanks for pinging me. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 11:05, 25 May 2022 (UTC)
:::[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]]. Again, no. Risto is not “suspected” to have been socking. ''Risto has been evading blocks with sockpuppets for over three years.'' Sockpuppets are locked when found. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 12:26, 25 May 2022 (UTC)
::::are there other sockpuppeteers  who go through a different process? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:42, 25 May 2022 (UTC)
:::::Not really...if someone is locked, and they create an account to evade the lock, that one will be locked too. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 13:55, 25 May 2022 (UTC)
::::::@Vermont, sorry it appears my previous question was not properly phrased. Let me try again:
::::::You said this in regard to Risto: &lt;blockquote&gt;  If they had not continued creating new accounts, and had appealed and agreed to stop editing projects where they don’t know the language or where the local community doesn’t want them to, they could very well be editing freely right now&lt;/blockquote&gt;
::::::So I assume that you believe the reason Risto was globally-locked is that they were determined to be a '''sock-master''' on several wmf-projects?  If so my question is: are there other wmf-editors who were blocked on some individual projects, but who were not globally-locked as a result? Did these other wmf-editors go through a different Global process? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 15:32, 25 May 2022 (UTC)
:::::::There are tons of editors blocked on individual projects and not locked, and many blocked on multiple projects and not locked. However, cross-wiki abuse is not simply being blocked on multiple projects. In this case, Risto was only locked after evading blocks on 4 or so projects. Appealing local blocks is not a global process, and each project has their own processes for that. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 15:40, 25 May 2022 (UTC)

== THANX A LOT FOR THE REVERT, U FELL INTO MY TRAP, HAHAHAHHA THEN YOUR FUKBUDDIES CAME TO &quot;THE RESCUE&quot; ANT, FERIEN, COME AGAIN PLEASE! ==

YOU MADE MY DAY!GAGGAGA HGHHAJHAHHA~ [[Special:Contributions/114.10.10.108|114.10.10.108]] 04:05, 12 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>nb5ovbxuownmvhqs0aobbc6b4i62phy</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153816</id>
      <parentid>3153815</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-12T04:33:37Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>201.141.24.156</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Undo revision 3153815 by [[Special:Contributions/201.141.24.156|201.141.24.156]] ([[User talk:201.141.24.156|talk]])COME ON BLOCK ME SO MORE IPS ARE BLOCKED LIKE ANT BLOCKS WIKIVERSITY WIKIVOYAGE SHIT, MY PLAN IS WORKING, MORE BLOCKS, LESS PEOPLE USE WMF SHIT!</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="15002" xml:space="preserve">=== Welcome ===
{{Welcome}} [[User:1997kB|1997kB]] ([[User talk:1997kB|talk]]) 17:50, 14 October 2018 (UTC)

==Admins==
Are there no admins here? Thanks for reverting, but that's only half the work. [[User:Drmies|Drmies]] ([[User talk:Drmies|talk]]) 03:10, 6 December 2018 (UTC)
:{{u|Drmies}} There's 25. I don't believe any are online. I'm currently requesting a global block for the /16 at SRG, and I recommend you email oversight if you haven't already. (stewards oversight, there's no local oversighters) Thanks, [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 03:11, 6 December 2018 (UTC)
::I already have, but they're asleep at the wheel too. This is someone who calls themselves WhenDatHotlineBling, and they've taken an unhealthy interest in me. [[User:Drmies|Drmies]] ([[User talk:Drmies|talk]]) 03:14, 6 December 2018 (UTC)

== Eww ==

You should really link to Central Auth instead of Global user contributions in your user page. Global contribs is terribly clunky. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:31, 11 May 2019 (UTC)
:It links to both. See “accounts in all Wikimedia projects.” [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 14:33, 11 May 2019 (UTC)

== Global lock evasion ==
Hi Vermont. Sorry to bother you. If you have a minute could you explain what global lock evasion is? I am trying to understand [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=%E1%B9%ACh%C4%81nissaro_Bhikkhu&amp;curid=221907&amp;diff=2706504&amp;oldid=2706211 this edit.] Thanks! ~ [[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]] ([[User talk:Peter1c|talk]]) 22:54, 5 December 2019 (UTC)
:Hi [[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]]. Their edits to this project are made in contravention to an active global lock that has been placed on multiple of their accounts and sockpuppets. Their original account was [[User:Risto hot sir]]. Thank you, [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 01:22, 6 December 2019 (UTC)
:: Hi Vermont. Thanks for explaining this. In this case, it seems the edit is an improvement to the page. Is it OK if I redo the additions? Thanks. ~ [[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]] ([[User talk:Peter1c|talk]])
:::It is not a problem, of course, but there is the hope that reverting his edits will deter him from trying to continue to edit. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 14:45, 6 December 2019 (UTC)
::::Makes sense. Is this a permanent block? I wasn't following the proceedings for block of this user. ~ [[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]] ([[User talk:Peter1c|talk]]) 14:51, 6 December 2019 (UTC)
:::::[[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]], it is not necessarily permanent. Many editors whose accounts were formerly locked for crosswiki abuse have been unlocked after successful appeals. However, considering he is actively evading the lock and editing despite it, it is extremely unlikely he will be unlocked. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 16:04, 6 December 2019 (UTC)
::::@Vermont why should wikiqutiens who believe [[User:Risto hot sir]] is doing good work on WQ want to deter this user from contributing? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:33, 22 January 2021 (UTC)
:::::[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]], if your goal is purely to maximize the quantity of &quot;good work&quot; on the English Wikiquote, then you would not want to deter this user from contributing. However, if you cared at all for the dozens of projects that Risto made unconstructive edits on, or the projects whose administrators they ignored and insulted, or the projects where they are blocked from editing, or the basic policies that govern nearly all Wikimedia projects, you would not logically want Risto to contribute. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 00:39, 25 January 2021 (UTC)
::: {{Yo|Peter1c}} Thanks for helping the WQ community understand why someone who is doing constructive work on WQ is globally locked by Stewards who are working to advance what best for the wmf-comunity. More at :[[User_talk:Vermont#&quot;You_cannot_be_an_active_sockmaster_on_5_wikis_and_a_constructive_editor_elsewhere&quot;]] [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:33, 22 January 2021 (UTC)

== Rape of the Sabine women ==

Hello! I removed the image &quot;rape of the Sabine women&quot; because it has nothing to do with sexual slavery. An alternative (and better!) title of the painting is the &quot;abduction of the Sabine women&quot;. --[[Special:Contributions/2001:8003:4085:8100:FC68:B6EB:2842:815E|2001:8003:4085:8100:FC68:B6EB:2842:815E]] 02:44, 13 February 2020 (UTC)
:[[User:2001:8003:4085:8100:FC68:B6EB:2842:815E|2001:8003:4085:8100:FC68:B6EB:2842:815E]], okay. Apologies for reverting your edit; I confused you with a vandal who commonly replaces content with &lt;nowiki&gt;&quot;[[|thumb|]]&quot;&lt;/nowiki&gt;, which makes the edit hard to revert by normal means. I agree that the image you replaced it with is more suitable. Regards, [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 02:52, 13 February 2020 (UTC)

== &quot;You cannot be an active sockmaster on 5 wikis and a constructive editor elsewhere&quot; ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}},
I came here to try to quietly iron out the statement you made publicly elsewhere on WQ, but it appears that other wikiquotiens (or wikiquoters?) have already [[User_talk:Vermont#Global_lock_evasion|beat me to it]]. Since this is your talk-page I wonder if you have a preference of where to discusse it? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:08, 18 January 2021 (UTC)
:This is an okay place to discuss it. What about my statement do you want to discuss? [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 17:19, 18 January 2021 (UTC)
:: re: You cannot be an active sockmaster on 5 wikis and a constructive editor elsewhere
:::You have made this statement which appears to be shared by other admins/bureaucrats/global-admins/stewards/patrollers/developers (did I miss any title?) across the  wmf-universe, I think? However, at least on WQ it appears there are some &quot;regular editors&quot; who do not share this view. Was the topic discussed and agreed upon somewhere, so that regular users can understand the rationale behind this sweeping statement? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:41, 18 January 2021 (UTC)
::::I am not sure if it was discussed anywhere, but it is a matter of fact rather than an opinion. If someone is disruptively editing on multiple projects, we cannot permit them to continue disruptively editing globally because one or a handful of projects find their additions acceptable. To do so would mean one could vandalize dozens of projects while making good edits on a handful of projects, and avoid a lock. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 22:20, 18 January 2021 (UTC)
::::: @Vermont,why have changed the topic of this discussion? I did not ask about editors who edit disruptively and vandalize, I asked about sockmasters who according to [[Wikiquote:Administrators%27_noticeboard#Statement_by_Vermont|your statement]] cannot be  constructive on projects where they have not been actively blocked. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:16, 22 January 2021 (UTC)

In reality it is 150,000 useful edits on hundreds of wikis and only a handful problematic projects. Better arguments needed!
:@anon: I think the statement you are making is that [[User:Risto hot sir]] made 150,000 edits that are useful for the wmf-community, but was blocked by a handful of problematic wmf-projects? Just trying to paraphrase. Please correct if you disagree. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:16, 22 January 2021 (UTC)

== Risto ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}},

I saw your post  at [[User talk:AmandaNP]] and since this matter concerns you more than the other stewards of the wmf, I came here to ask a simple question, rather than to relitigate a saga that has been going on since 2019.

What steps should Risto take to have their locked status removed? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:35, 18 May 2022 (UTC)

:I forgot to mention that I would appreciate being pinged when you answer. Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:37, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
::[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]], &quot;stewards of the wmf&quot; is not a thing. Stewards are elected by the community. The WMF is not involved in those processes. This has been explained to you multiple times, and you continue to say variations of that, for reasons I cannot discern. 
::As for Risto, if they would stop evading their blocks/locks for 6-12 months and would send in an appeal to the Stewards, that can be discussed with them. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 13:07, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
:::Are you saying that users who are suspected of sockpuppeering must wait 6-12 months before they are permitted to appeal? BTW thank you for pinging me. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:57, 19 May 2022 (UTC)
::::[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]], it's difficult to believe the sincerity of an appeal when the last time that person evaded a block/lock was yesterday. Refraining from evading blocks/locks for a period of time is a show of good faith and sincerity, and weighs heavily on the possibility of an appeal. It is not a set rule or by any means a guarantee of a successful appeal, but it is generally the advice we give people. After that period, when we know the user intends to return and follow community policy, we can discuss the issues that led to the block/locks. Also, it's not &quot;suspected&quot; in this case, it is quite clear. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 17:26, 19 May 2022 (UTC)
:::::How important is it in your opinion to show good faith and sincerity in comparison to, say, AGF? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 13:02, 20 May 2022 (UTC)
::::::As in, should we just trust that someone is not going to abuse Wikimedia projects after having done so for over three years, rather than expecting that they would put the minor amount of effort to ''stop'' for a few months prior to appealing? No...in my opinion the burden is on the person who has demonstrably caused problems for years to prove that allowing them to return to the community would not result in the same problems. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 16:34, 20 May 2022 (UTC)
===Is Risto banned or globally locked on Wikimedia projects===
@{{PAGENAME}}: Before  [[User:Risto hot sir]] became  a sock they contributed 40K edits to enwq. It is not clear why they were blocked in the first place. Was Risto globally-banned or  globally-locked? Risto's [https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Special:CentralAuth/Risto_hot_sir Global account information] indicates that risto was locked by steward/[[User:Wim_b]]. However, it has been implied and also outright stated by Global sysop/user:Praxidicae that Risto has been banned. So which is it: banned or locked?
Please don't forget to ping me. Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 02:16, 24 May 2022 (UTC)

:[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]], it is a global lock, not a ban. In the months leading up to the lock, Risto decided to try and increase their edit count by finding images and adding them to articles in dozens of languages which they do not speak. Though in some cases this was accepted by the local communities, in others the images were out of place or disruptive. Whenever Risto was asked to stop, they would quickly become uncivil and rude, and they were blocked on multiple projects for their behavior. Shortly after, Risto started creating other accounts to evade those blocks. Block evasion on multiple projects is cross-wiki abuse, and a lock was imposed. Risto was asked to stop multiple times on multiple projects prior to the lock, and never adjusted their pattern. If they had not continued creating new accounts, and had appealed and agreed to stop editing projects where they don’t know the language or where the local community doesn’t want them to, they could very well be editing freely right now. But instead we’ve had three years of lock and block evasion. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 11:38, 24 May 2022 (UTC)
::@Vermont, thanks for confirming that Risto was not banned but merely locked out of wikimedia projects. I think what you are saying is that Risto was locked because someone suspected risto of socking? If so, are all suspected socks automatically locked out of wmf-projects, or are there others who go through a different process? Thanks for pinging me. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 11:05, 25 May 2022 (UTC)
:::[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]]. Again, no. Risto is not “suspected” to have been socking. ''Risto has been evading blocks with sockpuppets for over three years.'' Sockpuppets are locked when found. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 12:26, 25 May 2022 (UTC)
::::are there other sockpuppeteers  who go through a different process? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:42, 25 May 2022 (UTC)
:::::Not really...if someone is locked, and they create an account to evade the lock, that one will be locked too. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 13:55, 25 May 2022 (UTC)
::::::@Vermont, sorry it appears my previous question was not properly phrased. Let me try again:
::::::You said this in regard to Risto: &lt;blockquote&gt;  If they had not continued creating new accounts, and had appealed and agreed to stop editing projects where they don’t know the language or where the local community doesn’t want them to, they could very well be editing freely right now&lt;/blockquote&gt;
::::::So I assume that you believe the reason Risto was globally-locked is that they were determined to be a '''sock-master''' on several wmf-projects?  If so my question is: are there other wmf-editors who were blocked on some individual projects, but who were not globally-locked as a result? Did these other wmf-editors go through a different Global process? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 15:32, 25 May 2022 (UTC)
:::::::There are tons of editors blocked on individual projects and not locked, and many blocked on multiple projects and not locked. However, cross-wiki abuse is not simply being blocked on multiple projects. In this case, Risto was only locked after evading blocks on 4 or so projects. Appealing local blocks is not a global process, and each project has their own processes for that. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 15:40, 25 May 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>45ifcw7mqlkclot9ggkw0u7asucpltx</sha1>
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    <revision>
      <id>3153818</id>
      <parentid>3153816</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-12T04:34:17Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>201.141.24.156</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Undo revision 3153816 by [[Special:Contributions/201.141.24.156|201.141.24.156]] ([[User talk:201.141.24.156|talk]]) O YEA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA LOVE THOSE BLOCKS HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA PAUSE FOR BREATH, PASSWORD RESETS EVERY DAY, NO EXCEPTIONS HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="15262" xml:space="preserve">=== Welcome ===
{{Welcome}} [[User:1997kB|1997kB]] ([[User talk:1997kB|talk]]) 17:50, 14 October 2018 (UTC)

==Admins==
Are there no admins here? Thanks for reverting, but that's only half the work. [[User:Drmies|Drmies]] ([[User talk:Drmies|talk]]) 03:10, 6 December 2018 (UTC)
:{{u|Drmies}} There's 25. I don't believe any are online. I'm currently requesting a global block for the /16 at SRG, and I recommend you email oversight if you haven't already. (stewards oversight, there's no local oversighters) Thanks, [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 03:11, 6 December 2018 (UTC)
::I already have, but they're asleep at the wheel too. This is someone who calls themselves WhenDatHotlineBling, and they've taken an unhealthy interest in me. [[User:Drmies|Drmies]] ([[User talk:Drmies|talk]]) 03:14, 6 December 2018 (UTC)

== Eww ==

You should really link to Central Auth instead of Global user contributions in your user page. Global contribs is terribly clunky. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 14:31, 11 May 2019 (UTC)
:It links to both. See “accounts in all Wikimedia projects.” [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 14:33, 11 May 2019 (UTC)

== Global lock evasion ==
Hi Vermont. Sorry to bother you. If you have a minute could you explain what global lock evasion is? I am trying to understand [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=%E1%B9%ACh%C4%81nissaro_Bhikkhu&amp;curid=221907&amp;diff=2706504&amp;oldid=2706211 this edit.] Thanks! ~ [[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]] ([[User talk:Peter1c|talk]]) 22:54, 5 December 2019 (UTC)
:Hi [[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]]. Their edits to this project are made in contravention to an active global lock that has been placed on multiple of their accounts and sockpuppets. Their original account was [[User:Risto hot sir]]. Thank you, [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 01:22, 6 December 2019 (UTC)
:: Hi Vermont. Thanks for explaining this. In this case, it seems the edit is an improvement to the page. Is it OK if I redo the additions? Thanks. ~ [[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]] ([[User talk:Peter1c|talk]])
:::It is not a problem, of course, but there is the hope that reverting his edits will deter him from trying to continue to edit. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 14:45, 6 December 2019 (UTC)
::::Makes sense. Is this a permanent block? I wasn't following the proceedings for block of this user. ~ [[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]] ([[User talk:Peter1c|talk]]) 14:51, 6 December 2019 (UTC)
:::::[[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]], it is not necessarily permanent. Many editors whose accounts were formerly locked for crosswiki abuse have been unlocked after successful appeals. However, considering he is actively evading the lock and editing despite it, it is extremely unlikely he will be unlocked. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 16:04, 6 December 2019 (UTC)
::::@Vermont why should wikiqutiens who believe [[User:Risto hot sir]] is doing good work on WQ want to deter this user from contributing? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:33, 22 January 2021 (UTC)
:::::[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]], if your goal is purely to maximize the quantity of &quot;good work&quot; on the English Wikiquote, then you would not want to deter this user from contributing. However, if you cared at all for the dozens of projects that Risto made unconstructive edits on, or the projects whose administrators they ignored and insulted, or the projects where they are blocked from editing, or the basic policies that govern nearly all Wikimedia projects, you would not logically want Risto to contribute. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 00:39, 25 January 2021 (UTC)
::: {{Yo|Peter1c}} Thanks for helping the WQ community understand why someone who is doing constructive work on WQ is globally locked by Stewards who are working to advance what best for the wmf-comunity. More at :[[User_talk:Vermont#&quot;You_cannot_be_an_active_sockmaster_on_5_wikis_and_a_constructive_editor_elsewhere&quot;]] [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:33, 22 January 2021 (UTC)

== Rape of the Sabine women ==

Hello! I removed the image &quot;rape of the Sabine women&quot; because it has nothing to do with sexual slavery. An alternative (and better!) title of the painting is the &quot;abduction of the Sabine women&quot;. --[[Special:Contributions/2001:8003:4085:8100:FC68:B6EB:2842:815E|2001:8003:4085:8100:FC68:B6EB:2842:815E]] 02:44, 13 February 2020 (UTC)
:[[User:2001:8003:4085:8100:FC68:B6EB:2842:815E|2001:8003:4085:8100:FC68:B6EB:2842:815E]], okay. Apologies for reverting your edit; I confused you with a vandal who commonly replaces content with &lt;nowiki&gt;&quot;[[|thumb|]]&quot;&lt;/nowiki&gt;, which makes the edit hard to revert by normal means. I agree that the image you replaced it with is more suitable. Regards, [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 02:52, 13 February 2020 (UTC)

== &quot;You cannot be an active sockmaster on 5 wikis and a constructive editor elsewhere&quot; ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}},
I came here to try to quietly iron out the statement you made publicly elsewhere on WQ, but it appears that other wikiquotiens (or wikiquoters?) have already [[User_talk:Vermont#Global_lock_evasion|beat me to it]]. Since this is your talk-page I wonder if you have a preference of where to discusse it? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:08, 18 January 2021 (UTC)
:This is an okay place to discuss it. What about my statement do you want to discuss? [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 17:19, 18 January 2021 (UTC)
:: re: You cannot be an active sockmaster on 5 wikis and a constructive editor elsewhere
:::You have made this statement which appears to be shared by other admins/bureaucrats/global-admins/stewards/patrollers/developers (did I miss any title?) across the  wmf-universe, I think? However, at least on WQ it appears there are some &quot;regular editors&quot; who do not share this view. Was the topic discussed and agreed upon somewhere, so that regular users can understand the rationale behind this sweeping statement? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:41, 18 January 2021 (UTC)
::::I am not sure if it was discussed anywhere, but it is a matter of fact rather than an opinion. If someone is disruptively editing on multiple projects, we cannot permit them to continue disruptively editing globally because one or a handful of projects find their additions acceptable. To do so would mean one could vandalize dozens of projects while making good edits on a handful of projects, and avoid a lock. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 22:20, 18 January 2021 (UTC)
::::: @Vermont,why have changed the topic of this discussion? I did not ask about editors who edit disruptively and vandalize, I asked about sockmasters who according to [[Wikiquote:Administrators%27_noticeboard#Statement_by_Vermont|your statement]] cannot be  constructive on projects where they have not been actively blocked. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:16, 22 January 2021 (UTC)

In reality it is 150,000 useful edits on hundreds of wikis and only a handful problematic projects. Better arguments needed!
:@anon: I think the statement you are making is that [[User:Risto hot sir]] made 150,000 edits that are useful for the wmf-community, but was blocked by a handful of problematic wmf-projects? Just trying to paraphrase. Please correct if you disagree. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 17:16, 22 January 2021 (UTC)

== Risto ==

Hi {{PAGENAME}},

I saw your post  at [[User talk:AmandaNP]] and since this matter concerns you more than the other stewards of the wmf, I came here to ask a simple question, rather than to relitigate a saga that has been going on since 2019.

What steps should Risto take to have their locked status removed? Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:35, 18 May 2022 (UTC)

:I forgot to mention that I would appreciate being pinged when you answer. Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:37, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
::[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]], &quot;stewards of the wmf&quot; is not a thing. Stewards are elected by the community. The WMF is not involved in those processes. This has been explained to you multiple times, and you continue to say variations of that, for reasons I cannot discern. 
::As for Risto, if they would stop evading their blocks/locks for 6-12 months and would send in an appeal to the Stewards, that can be discussed with them. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 13:07, 18 May 2022 (UTC)
:::Are you saying that users who are suspected of sockpuppeering must wait 6-12 months before they are permitted to appeal? BTW thank you for pinging me. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:57, 19 May 2022 (UTC)
::::[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]], it's difficult to believe the sincerity of an appeal when the last time that person evaded a block/lock was yesterday. Refraining from evading blocks/locks for a period of time is a show of good faith and sincerity, and weighs heavily on the possibility of an appeal. It is not a set rule or by any means a guarantee of a successful appeal, but it is generally the advice we give people. After that period, when we know the user intends to return and follow community policy, we can discuss the issues that led to the block/locks. Also, it's not &quot;suspected&quot; in this case, it is quite clear. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 17:26, 19 May 2022 (UTC)
:::::How important is it in your opinion to show good faith and sincerity in comparison to, say, AGF? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 13:02, 20 May 2022 (UTC)
::::::As in, should we just trust that someone is not going to abuse Wikimedia projects after having done so for over three years, rather than expecting that they would put the minor amount of effort to ''stop'' for a few months prior to appealing? No...in my opinion the burden is on the person who has demonstrably caused problems for years to prove that allowing them to return to the community would not result in the same problems. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 16:34, 20 May 2022 (UTC)
===Is Risto banned or globally locked on Wikimedia projects===
@{{PAGENAME}}: Before  [[User:Risto hot sir]] became  a sock they contributed 40K edits to enwq. It is not clear why they were blocked in the first place. Was Risto globally-banned or  globally-locked? Risto's [https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Special:CentralAuth/Risto_hot_sir Global account information] indicates that risto was locked by steward/[[User:Wim_b]]. However, it has been implied and also outright stated by Global sysop/user:Praxidicae that Risto has been banned. So which is it: banned or locked?
Please don't forget to ping me. Thanks in advance, [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 02:16, 24 May 2022 (UTC)

:[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]], it is a global lock, not a ban. In the months leading up to the lock, Risto decided to try and increase their edit count by finding images and adding them to articles in dozens of languages which they do not speak. Though in some cases this was accepted by the local communities, in others the images were out of place or disruptive. Whenever Risto was asked to stop, they would quickly become uncivil and rude, and they were blocked on multiple projects for their behavior. Shortly after, Risto started creating other accounts to evade those blocks. Block evasion on multiple projects is cross-wiki abuse, and a lock was imposed. Risto was asked to stop multiple times on multiple projects prior to the lock, and never adjusted their pattern. If they had not continued creating new accounts, and had appealed and agreed to stop editing projects where they don’t know the language or where the local community doesn’t want them to, they could very well be editing freely right now. But instead we’ve had three years of lock and block evasion. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 11:38, 24 May 2022 (UTC)
::@Vermont, thanks for confirming that Risto was not banned but merely locked out of wikimedia projects. I think what you are saying is that Risto was locked because someone suspected risto of socking? If so, are all suspected socks automatically locked out of wmf-projects, or are there others who go through a different process? Thanks for pinging me. [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 11:05, 25 May 2022 (UTC)
:::[[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]]. Again, no. Risto is not “suspected” to have been socking. ''Risto has been evading blocks with sockpuppets for over three years.'' Sockpuppets are locked when found. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 12:26, 25 May 2022 (UTC)
::::are there other sockpuppeteers  who go through a different process? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 12:42, 25 May 2022 (UTC)
:::::Not really...if someone is locked, and they create an account to evade the lock, that one will be locked too. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 13:55, 25 May 2022 (UTC)
::::::@Vermont, sorry it appears my previous question was not properly phrased. Let me try again:
::::::You said this in regard to Risto: &lt;blockquote&gt;  If they had not continued creating new accounts, and had appealed and agreed to stop editing projects where they don’t know the language or where the local community doesn’t want them to, they could very well be editing freely right now&lt;/blockquote&gt;
::::::So I assume that you believe the reason Risto was globally-locked is that they were determined to be a '''sock-master''' on several wmf-projects?  If so my question is: are there other wmf-editors who were blocked on some individual projects, but who were not globally-locked as a result? Did these other wmf-editors go through a different Global process? [[User:Ottawahitech|Ottawahitech]] ([[User talk:Ottawahitech|talk]]) 15:32, 25 May 2022 (UTC)
:::::::There are tons of editors blocked on individual projects and not locked, and many blocked on multiple projects and not locked. However, cross-wiki abuse is not simply being blocked on multiple projects. In this case, Risto was only locked after evading blocks on 4 or so projects. Appealing local blocks is not a global process, and each project has their own processes for that. [[User:Vermont|Vermont]] ([[User talk:Vermont|talk]]) 15:40, 25 May 2022 (UTC)

== THANX A LOT FOR THE REVERT, U FELL INTO MY TRAP, HAHAHAHHA THEN YOUR FUKBUDDIES CAME TO &quot;THE RESCUE&quot; ANT, FERIEN, COME AGAIN PLEASE! ==

YOU MADE MY DAY!GAGGAGA HGHHAJHAHHA~ [[Special:Contributions/114.10.10.108|114.10.10.108]] 04:05, 12 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Rubbadubbers</title>
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'''''[[w:Rubbadubbers|Rubbadubbers]]''''' is a British stop-motion [[w:Children's television series|children's television series]] produced by HIT Entertainment. The series aired on the [[w:BBC|BBC]] in the United Kingdom and Nickelodeon in the United States (as part of the Nick Jr block). The show aired from 2003 to 2005. It aired on CNBA1 in Japan from 2010-2022.

==Series 1 (2002)==

===Tubb the Pirate [1.1]===
:''[Tubb and Finbar argue]''
:'''Tubb''': Let me tell you, that I was not scared. Startled maybe, but not scared. You were scared!
:'''Finbar''': So were you!
:'''Tubb''': Wasn't!
:'''Finbar''': You were! You thought that Reg, arr, arr, arr, arr, was a pirate!
:'''Tubb''': Did not!
:'''Finbar''': Did!
:'''Tubb''': Oh, if only I were a pirate, i would show you that i am never scared!

===Terence's Double Trouble [1.2]===
:''[Terence is sad that he's different, and he's not like everybody else in the bathroom]''
:'''Terence''': Oh, it's not fair. I'm completely different, unlike everyone else. They don't like playing my games! If only there was someone just like me. If only I were this much fun all the time.

===Reg the Monster [1.3]===
:''[Reg is happy to be alone]''
:'''Reg''': If only you would leave me alone. Oh, yes, now I can finally complete my jigsaw puzzle, all by myself. If only we could all play together nicely.

===Sploshy's Tail [1.4]===
:''[Sploshy is impressed by Winona's impressive tail trick. She wants to do it herself, only for her to suddenly realise that she doesn't have a tail]''
:'''Tubb''': Yay, Winona!
:'''Sploshy''': Splish, Splash, Splosh, that was great! I loved it! Teach it to me so we can do it together!
:'''Winona''': Eek, eek, eek, eek, eek, eek, eek, eek, eek!
:'''Sploshy''': So, what do I do first?
:'''Winona''': Eek, eek, eek, eek, eek, eek, eek, eek, eek!
:'''Sploshy''': Go in a circle, like this? Then get up on my tail? Oh, I haven't got a tail!
:'''Tubb''': Then you can't do Winona's trick!
:'''Sploshy''': But I want to do Winona's trick! If only I had a tail! If only I didn't have a tail!

===Tubb the Magician [1.5]===
:''[Tubb is happy that he's a magician, because now he can make things disappear with his wand]''
:'''Tubb''': Hey, now that I'm a magician, I actually can make things disappear with my wand! Swimmin! If only I could make things disappear. If only I had shared my wand with you in the first place.

===Deep Sea Reg [1.6]===
:''[Reg is delighted to be underwater]''
:'''Reg''': Oh, if only, I could go underwater! Wow, swimming really is ''Swimmin''! But how? Oh, if only I was back on dry land.

:'''Note''': During this scene, he says Tubb's catchphrase.

===Scary Finbar [1.7]===
:''[Finbar is delighted to be the scariest shark alive]''
:'''Finbar''': If only everyone was really scared of me. I'm the mighty SCARY shark, arr, arr, arr! If only we could get this net up.

===Train Driver Tubb [1.8]===
:''[The Rubbadubbers are on the train]''
:'''Tubb''': Whoo, whoo! Benjie and Sis's train is 'Swimmin!' All aboard! All aboard!
:'''Sploshy''': And, I heard them say, this train is carrying gold!
:'''All''': Gold?
:'''Tubb''': Oh, if only this were a real train, then I can show you that I can do everything! If only I had remembered to put all of the gold in the safe in the first place! 
:'''Tubb''': Hey! I'm a real train driver! Swimmin'!

===Sploshy of the Artic [1.9]===
:''[Sploshy is very hot, and wishes to be really cold]''
:'''Sploshy''': It's so hot here, but I don't want to be hot, I want to be breezing! If only I was somewhere really cold. If only we didn't have to feed the polar bears!

===Sploshybird [1.10]===
:''[Sploshy is delighted to be a bird]''
:'''Sploshy''': If only everyone wanted me to make noise! Oh, I'm a bird and, I've got feathers! If only they'd thought of that before!

===Terence of Arabia [1.11]===
:''[Terence is delighted to be somewhere without water]''
:'''Terence''': If only I was somewhere really dry, then I can prevent myself from getting wet! No water and I'm dry! If only it were like this all the time.

===Speedy Terence [1.12]===
:''[The Rubbadubbers are participating in a race]''
:'''Finbar''': On your marks, get set, go! And here they go all the way along the bathroom! And whoever is the first to come back, wins a bubble bath ball!
:'''Terence''': A bubble bath ball! Hey, wait for me!
:'''Finbar''': Sploshy races ahead, with Tubb close behind!
:'''Terence''': Ha-ha-ha! Better hurry up, Reg!
:'''Finbar''': Amelia and Winona are neck in neck, coming to the first bend!
:'''Terence''': ''[gasps]'' Oh, look, some new toothpaste!
:''[Reg steps on the toothpaste, covering up Terence with it, in the process]''
:'''Reg''': ''[laughs as Terence puts the toothpaste off of him]'' Better hurry up, Terence!
:'''Finbar''': And the mighty race, arr, arr, arr, arr, arr, is OVER!
:'''Terence''': Over! But I haven't finished yet! Oh, Who won?
:'''Tubb''': I did! I'm the fastest! Wa-hoo!
:'''Terence''': If only I was the fastest. If only I had realized that speed isn't as important as looking where you're going!

===Amelia the Babysitter [1.13]===
:'''Winona''': Eek, eek.
:'''Sploshy''': Winona’s right. Do you have to fly now?
:'''Amelia''': Yes. Afraid so.
:'''Terence''': Can't you wait until we've finished playing babies?
:'''Amelia''': Um, no.
:'''Tubb''': Well, you'll have to, because we all want you to wait.
:'''Amelia''': But that’s not fair! Why do you get to choose? You’re not in charge! If only I was in charge, then I’d get to tell everyone what to do!

==Voice cast==
* [[w:John Gordon Sinclair|John Gordon Sinclair]] as Tubb, Terence, Reg and Lawrence.
* [[w:Maria Darling|Maria Darling]] as Sploshy, Winona and Amelia.
* [[w:Sean Hughes (comedian)|Sean Hughes]] as Finbar.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:2000s UK animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Stop-motion animated TV shows]]
[[Category:UK children's animated adventure TV shows]]
[[Category:UK children's animated fantasy TV shows]]
[[Category:UK preschool education TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:BBC shows]]
[[Category:Nick Jr. shows]]
[[Category:Treehouse TV shows]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about frogs and toads]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about fish]]
[[Category:TV shows about crocodilians]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about mammals]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about robots]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>The Grinch (film)</title>
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'''''[[w:The Grinch (film)|The Grinch]]''''' (also known as '''''Dr. Seuss' The Grinch''''') is a 2018 American [[w:3D film|3D]] [[w:Computer animation|computer-animated]] [[w:Christmas|Christmas]] [[w:Comedy film|comedy film]] produced by [[w:Illumination (animation company)|Illumination]]. Based on the 1957 [[Dr. Seuss]] book ''[[w:How the Grinch Stole Christmas!|How the Grinch Stole Christmas!]]'', it is the third screen adaptation of the story, following the [[How the Grinch Stole Christmas! (TV special)|television special from 1966]] and the [[Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas (film)|live-action feature-length film from 2000]]. It also marks Illumination's second Dr. Seuss film adaptation, following ''[[The Lorax (film)|The Lorax]]'' (2012).  It also stars the voices of {{w|Benedict Cumberbatch}} as the Grinch and narrated by {{w|Pharrell Williams}}.

:''Directed by {{w|Yarrow Cheney}} and {{w|Scott Mosier}}. Written by Michael LeSieur and {{w|Tommy Swerdlow}}. Produced by {{w|Chris Meledandri}} and {{w|Janet Healy}}.''

{{center|'''Scheme big.'''{{small|([[#Taglines|taglines]])}}}}

== [[w:Grinch|The Grinch]] ==
* ''[repeated line]'' '''MAX!'''
* I know just what to do; I'm going to steal their Christmas!
* Genius starts with the abs, Max. It's go time!
* Look at those greedy little gift monsters. Loading themselves up with Christmas junk!
* ''[to a goat]'' Will you stop following us?! Shoo! Away! Go back to the goat farm! Go eat a can!
* Uh... it was me. I stole your Christmas. I stole it, because I thought it would fix something that happened a long time ago. But it didn't. And I'm sorry. ''[walks up to Cindy-Lou]'' I'm so very sorry for everything. ''[walks away]''
* ''[from trailer as he and Max head to Whoville for the first time]'' Today we will do mean things, ''and'' we will do them in style!
* This is the loudest snow I've ever heard in my life!
* I specifically bought enough food to last me until January. How much emotional eating have I been doing?
* If I'm gonna become Santa, then I need to get into character.
* Today was grr-eat! We did mean things, ''and'' we did them in style.
* I just met the strangest little Who girl.

== Cindy-Lou Who ==
* Hey. Why are you taking our Christmas tree?
* They're not demands. It's more like a wish. And what I'm wishing is really, really important.

== Narrator ==
* Yes, the Whos down in Whoville liked Christmas a lot, but the Grinch in his cave north of Whoville... did not.
* Yes, the Grinch hated Christmas, the whole Christmas season.&lt;br /&gt;Now please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.&lt;br /&gt;It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right. It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.&lt;br /&gt;But I think that the most likely reason of all, may have been that his heart was 2 sizes too small.

== Dialogue ==
:''[Grinch pick up a pickle jar and pull out of lid, and eat a pickle]''
:'''Grinch''': What's this?
:'''Who Lady''': Excuse me! Are you getting that? I need it for my Christmas stuffing.
:'''Grinch''': Mmm, no.
:'''Who Lady''': Well, that's not very nice. ''[Grinch drops it on the floor and it shatters, she stamps her foot]'' Oh, sugar plums.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Cindy-Lou Who''': You alright, Mom?
:'''Donna''': Me? Oh, yes. Never better. Ah. What did you put down here anyway, a roller skate?
:'''Cindy-Lou''': No. Just better. Mrs. Wilbur and I made cookies.
:'''Donna''': Ah, that explains it. Come have some eggs.
:'''Cindy-Lou''': I can't. I gotta go mail something. But I made the beds and put away the twins' toys.
:'''Donna''': Thanks, sweetheart. You didn't have to do that.
:'''Cindy-Lou''': I don't mind.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Donna''': Wait, where are you going, again?
:'''Cindy-Lou''': I told you, to mail a letter.
:'''Donna''': OK, but just come here first.
:'''Cindy-Lou''': Mom, I gotta go.
:''[Donna gives Cindy-Lou a silly look with her hand on her waist.]''
:'''Cindy-Lou''': ''[sighed and approaches her mother]'' Alright...
:'''Donna''': ''[got down on one knee and gives Cindy a good luck kiss on her cheek]'' OK. Now you can go.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Cindy-Lou accidentally runs over the Grinch with her inner tube]''
:'''Grinch''': Arrgh! What is wrong with you?! Didn't you see me?! I mean, if that was a sled, I, I, well I'd be dead!
:'''Cindy-Lou''': I'm sorry for bumping into you, but this is really important. Have you seen my letter?
:'''Grinch''': ''[growls in frustration, takes the tube off his torso]'' And that, right there, Max, is the true nature of the Who child. Just right to, &quot;Me, me, me. My letter. Me, me, me.&quot;
:'''Cindy-Lou''': No! You don't understand. This isn't just a letter. This is ''the'' letter.
:'''Grinch''': ''[sarcastically; turns to face her]'' Oh, ''really''? Let me guess. Small child, December 20th, rapidly searching for a &quot;really important&quot; lost letter. Might it be your list of demands to Santa?
:'''Cindy-Lou''': They're not demands! It's more like a wish. And what I'm wishing for is really, really important.
:'''Grinch''': Well then, why send a letter? I mean, if it's really that important, you should just ask him face-to-face. ''[mockingly]'' Oh, but that's right! No one's ever seen him! My bad. ''[turns to leave]'' C'mon, Max. Let's get outta here.
:''[Max looks at Cindy-Lou and follows the Grinch]''
:'''Cindy-Lou''': ''[waves to Max]'' Bye, doggy.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grinch''': ''[mourning by his organ]'' Why, for 53 years, I've put up with it now. I must stop this Christmas from coming, but how? ''[slams his head on the organ; Max feels sorry for him. the Grinch plays a single note on the organ twice]''
:'''Narrator''': Then he got an idea. An awful idea. The Grinch got a wonderful ''awful'' idea.
:'''Grinch''': ''[smiling wickedly]'' I know just what to do. I'm going to steal their Christmas! ''[takes a cup and makes it disappear; he plays the organ in a dramatic way; as the smoke passes, he climbs up the stairs to the window]'' All the trimmings, ''all'' the trappings, all their gifts and garlands! When they wake and see it's gone, then all their joy and happiness will be gone as well! ''[lightning strikes as Max cringes in fear]'' So prepare yourself, Max! For tomorrow, '''''WE BEGIN!''''' ''[echoes as lightning strikes again]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[the Grinch and Max head down to the workshop; the Grinch grabs a pointer]''
:'''Grinch''': And now, the question we have all been waiting for... How will I steal Christmas? Well, prepare to have your little doggy mind blown. Poof! ''[the Grinch pushes a giant billboard with the pointer and it tilts over to the other side revealing the words &quot;Santa Claus&quot; written on it]'' TA-DA! ''[chuckles]'' That's right! I become Santa Claus! ''[Max grunts confusedly]'' But instead of giving all the joy and happiness, I'll take it away! If he can deliver Christmas to the whole world in one night, then I can certainly steal it from little old Whoville. I mean, come on. What's Santa have that I don't?
:''[Max barks]''
:'''Grinch''': ''[frowns]'' That's hurtful.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Donna''': How did I get such a wonderful daughter like you?
:'''Cindy-Lou''': I don't know. Sometimes you just get lucky.
:'''Donna''': If so, then I really did.
:'''Cindy-Lou''': So did I. I love you, Mom.
:'''Donna''': I love you too, sweetheart.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Grinch''': Well, everyone, I just wanted to say that I've spend my entire life hating Christmas and everything about it, but then I see it wasn't Christmas I hated, it was being alone… but I'm not alone anymore and I have all of you to thank for it, especially this little girl right here. Ma'am, your daughter's kindness changed my life.
:'''Donna''': That's my little girl.
:'''Bricklebaum''': Oh, that was beautiful! That's my best friend.
:'''Cindy-Lou''': Merry Christmas, Mr. Grinch.
:'''Grinch''': Merry Christmas, Cindy-Lou.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[last lines]''
:'''Narrator''': And the Grinch raised his glass, and led the Whos in a toast.
:'''Grinch''': ''[last line of the film; raises his glass]'' To kindness and love, the things we need most!

== Taglines ==
* Oh, joy.
* Scheme big.
* Unhappy Holidays.
* Resting Grinch Face
* Christmas is canceled.
* Stealing Christmas 2018.
* It's never too early to be annoyed by Christmas.
* From the studio that brought you ''[[Despicable Me]]'', ''[[The Secret Life of Pets]]'', and ''[[Sing (2016 American film)|Sing]]''.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Benedict Cumberbatch|Benedict Cumberbatch]] as [[w:Grinch|The Grinch]]
* Cameron Seely as Cindy-Lou Who
* [[Frank Welker]] as Max and Fred &lt;small&gt;(uncredited)&lt;/small&gt;
* [[w:Rashida Jones|Rashida Jones]] as Donna Who
* Brad O'Hare as Groopert
* [[w:Kenan Thompson|Kenan Thompson]] as Bricklebaum
* [[w:Angela Lansbury|Angela Lansbury]] as Mayor McGerkle
* Ramone Hamilton as Axl
* [[w:Sam Lavagnino|Sam Lavagnino]] as Ozzy
* [[w:Scarlett Estevez|Scarlett Estevez]] as Izzy
* Narrated by [[w:Pharrell Williams|Pharrell Williams]]

== External Links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Grinch, The (2018 film)}}
[[Category:2018 films]]
[[Category:2010s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical films]]
[[Category:Animated Christmas films]]
[[Category:Reboot films]]
[[Category:Animated films based on children's books]]
[[Category:Films based on works by Dr. Seuss]]
[[Category:Animated films about orphans]]</text>
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    <title>Total Drama All-Stars and Pahkitew Island</title>
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'''''{{w|Total Drama All-Stars and Pahkitew Island}}''''' is the fifth  and final season of Total Drama.

==Total Drama All-Stars==

===Heroes vs Villains [5A.01]===
:''[Chef is visiting Chris in prison with Chris's contract, walking with the police and things start flying around in the prison]''
:'''Killer''': I'm innocent I tell you, innocent! ''[heglares at Chef, the second inmate makes kissing sounds and Chef Hatchet looks nervous]''
:'''Chris''': The Crusty Cockroaches have a big lead over the Soiled Stake Bombs!
:'''Killer''': ''[offscreen]'' Clam it, McLean! ''[laughs evilly]''
:'''Chris''': ''[in his prison cell after last season's finale]'' Ooh, Lightning slips past Duncan, the heat is on! Yeah, look at that, that's I'm talking about! ''[a shadow figure of Chef is on the floor]'' Well, well, well, look who finally came to visit me after a whole year.
:'''Chef''': Come on, you finish your sentence for dumping toxic waste.
:'''Chris''': Whatever, think I'll stay right here, got everything I need, including Chef 2.0, I made him from a cashew. ''[his contract is handed by Chef]'' What's this?
:'''Chef''': Your contract, the producers have green lit another season, so you in?
:'''Chris''': It is on! ''[his teeth shines]''

----
:'''Chris''': Welcome to ''Total Drama All-Stars''. After my involuntary yearlong vacation... I really need to be in a familiar environment, surrounded by the people I love ...to hurt. ''[evil laugh]'' It's a condition of my parole. Except for the hurt part, eh, that's all McLean! ''[strolls down to the edge of the dock, where Alejandro the robot is waiting, along with a familiar briefcase]'' So, I'm bringing back 14 TD All-Stars to battle it out in the most dangerous, death-defying, $1,000,000 competition, ever! ''[Alejandro the robot holds up the open case, where the wind blows a few bills away. Chris then addresses an incoming helicopter]'' and here they are now! From ''Revenge of the Island'', Say hello to... ''[The door to the chopper reveals an apprehensive looking Mike]'' Multiple Mike! ''[A hand shoves Mike off the chopper]'' AKA, Chester, ''[Mike gasps, switching personalities]'' –Svetlana ''[he gasps, switching personalities again]'' Vito, ''[His hair slicks back and his eyes narrow]'' and Manitoba. ''[Mike seemingly reverts to normal, though Manitoba's scream of “Crikey!” gives him away. He splashes into the water]'' Mike's crush, pushover turned powerhouse, Zoey!
:'''Zoey''': ''[gasps]'' Mike! ''[dives]''
:'''Chris''': Athletic non-supporter, Lightning!
:'''Lightning''': You call that a dive? Watch this! ''[prepares to dive]'' Sha-ugh! ''[gets booted off by Chef’s foot]''
:'''Chris''': Bubble-Boy brainiac, Cameron! ''[Chef holds Cameron by his hoodie]''
:'''Cameron''': This is highly illogical! ''[Chef tosses Cameron out the door]''
:'''Chris''': Gregarious mutant lover gamer, Sam!
:'''Sam''': Not cool!
:'''Chris''': Challenge throwing dirt farmer, Scott! ''[Scott (who is out of the Trauma Chair) holds to Chef’s leg until Chef throws him out. Chef walks back and grabs Jo]'' Bossy bruiser, Jo, who dominated until her underling turned on her.
:''[Jo resists Chef shoving her out, and shoves him back]''
:'''Jo''': You're a dead man, McLean! ''[Chef body-slams her off the copter]''
:'''Chris''': ''[chuckles]'' And now, from our original cast… Cranky know-it-all CIT, Courtney! ''[Chef walks out, carrying Courtney by the ankle]''
:'''Courtney''': This is not in my contract! ''[Chef glares and drops Courtney]''
:'''Chris''': Courtney's bestie turned boyfriend stealer, Gwen! ''[Chef carries Gwen over his shoulders, tosses her down too]''
:'''Gwen''': ''[free-falling]'' He wasn't her boyfriend at the tiiime!
:'''Chris''': Broody bad boy, Duncan!
:'''Duncan''': ''[free-falling, not even looking like he cares]'' Bring it on!
:'''Chris''': Devious Diva, Heather!
:'''Heather''': ''[free-falling]'' I hate Chriiiis!
:'''Chris''': Loveable lamebrain, Lindsay!
:'''Lindsay''': ''[free-falling, flapping her arms]'' I'm flying! ''[stops flapping and screams]''
:'''Chris''': Super fan, Sierra! Total Drama's number one blogger!
:'''Sierra''': ''[with her hair slightly growing back]'' For Cody! ''[cannonballs, sending the other contestants scattering, and causing a slightly less massive splash]''
:'''Chris''': ''[with a more malicious grin]'' Feral freakshow, Ezekiel!
:''[Chef drops a feral Ezekiel by his hoodie]''
:'''Contestants''': What?
:''[a feral Ezekiel plummets, but is then grabbed by Alejandro's plunger]''
:'''Chris''': ''[laughing]'' Kidding! ''[Alejandro retracts the plunger]'' No way is that guy coming back again. ''[snaps his fingers, causing Alejandro to fire off the plunger, as a feral Ezekiel screams as he is rocketed to the other side of the island]'' Man, It's great to be back.

----
:'''Chris''': Heather, Duncan, Lightning, Jo, Scott and Gwen, from now on, you're the Villainous Vultures.
:'''Lightning''': Sha-team!
:'''Gwen''': ''[shocked]'' What?! Why am I on the villains team?
:'''Courtney''': ''(to Gwen)'' Because you stole my boyfriend and became to the new Heather.
:'''Chris''': Yeah, what she said.
:'''Gwen''': But I've done so many good things. I'm not a villain. I'm nice.
:'''Duncan''': Being bad is cool and now we're on the same team, so that's good right?
:'''Gwen''': ''[dismayed]'' I guess.
:'''Duncan''': ''[Confessional]'' Oh, man, I only came back for Gwen! She better not sulk the whole time, or I may as well be dating Courtney.
:'''Chris''': Mike, Zoey, Cameron, Sam, Courtney, Lindsay, and Sierra, you're the Heroic Hamsters!
:'''Courtney''': Excuse me, how are hamsters heroic?
:'''Chris''': It was that, or the &quot;Heroic Hippos.&quot;
:'''Courtney''': Hamsters it is.
:'''Jo''': Wait a minute, they have 7 people to our 6! No fair!
:'''Chris''': I needed the seat on the plane for that Ezekiel prank! ''[Jo glares at him]'' Fine, you can have the robot. ''[Pushes a button on the remote, sending Alejandro the robot wheeling and beeping over to the villains]''
:'''Scott''': I thought your robot could talk.
:'''Chris''': ''[shrugged]'' Meh, the communications chip cracked while I was in the hooskow.
:'''Lindsay''': Was that English?
:'''Heather''': ''[to Alejandro who's inside the robot]'' Keep your distance, toaster. ''[Confessional; shudders in disgust]'' There is something about that robot which I don't like.

----
:'''Heather''': ''[to Alejandro the robot]'' Uh! I said keep away from me!
:'''Sam''': ''[walking alongside Sierra]'' So, Sierra, what brought you back?
:'''Sierra''': I wanna win for Cody. We would have won last time, if I didn't accidentally blow up the plane... ''[rubs her arm sheepishly]''
:'''Sam''': ''[awkwardly]'' Oh yeah… well your hair grew back nicely.
:'''Sierra''': Thanks! It's tough to be apart from my man, but it's too dangerous for him here! ''[confidently]'' And I'm sure I can handle it long enough to win the million! ''[in the confessional trying not to sob]'' I miss my Cody-bear... ''[she puts her head in her hands]'' So much!
:'''Heather''': ''[pushing Jo back]'' Excuse me!
:'''Jo''': Uh, watch it, old Heather.
:'''Heather''': ''You'' watch it, Newbie.
:'''Gwen''': Guys, just because Chris labeled us 'villains' doesn't mean we have to act like villains. We're a team. We should work together as a team!
:''[The villain members agree in not believing Gwen]''
:'''Heather, Jo, Duncan, Scott, and Lightning''': ''[Confessionals]'' No way is that going happen. I don't trust anyone on this team!
:'''Gwen''': ''[Confessional]'' Huh. I think that went well.
:''[The vulture villains laugh wickedly evilly at Gwen]''

----
:'''Gwen''': But, Jo, wouldn’t you make a better diver since you’re so athletic?
:'''Jo''': ''Nobody'' tells me what to do, Goth-ball. And don’t even try to kiss me!
:'''Gwen''': ''[shocked gasp]'' What?! ''[Confessional]'' After three seasons of kindness, I’m reduced to ''evil'' kisser status?! For the last time, Duncan and Courtney were over before he and I started. You can’t ''steal'' a boyfriend if the boy is free!

----
:''[Courtney looks and glares at Gwen]''
:'''Gwen''': Ugh, Courtney keeps glaring at me like she's trying to set me on fire.
:'''Duncan''': I'll give her a glare back. ''[he glares at Courtney but she closes her eyes and turns away from him and crosses her arms]'' uh, hello, Courtney? Hey! 

----
:'''Lindsay''': Psst, I think Duncan wants you to yell at him, you know for old times sake. 
:'''Courtney''': What's the point, he never listens, besides it's over between us, he's a bad boy I knew it couldn't last forever, but Gwen, I thought we were friends ''[sighs]'' last time I make that mistake. 
:'''Lindsay''': ''[gasps as she stops at Courtney]'' You know how to stop making mistakes? Teach me! 

----
:''[The other contestants arrived at the top of the cliff. Scott, Mike and Zoey look down and sees Fang waiting down below.]''
:'''Scott''': Ahh!
:'''All''': Fang!
:'''Gwen''': Who?

----
:'''Courtney''': Go, go, go! 
:'''Lindsay''': ''[looks confused]'' Which way is the hotel again? 
:'''Courtney''': Ugh, never mind, I'll do it! 
:'''Chris''': ''[arrives]'' Buh, buh, buh, buh, no tradesies, gotta stick to your designated driver. 
:'''Courtney''': Fine, ugh, just push! 
:'''Lindsay''': Okay, how do you push again?
:''[Courtney screams in frustration; getting her nerves from Lindsay's stupidity]''

----
:'''Lindsay''': ''[Confessional]'' I wanna win the million, so I can spend it on a lifetime supply of lip-gloss. But, I forgot how hard this is! Never thought I say this, but, no lip-gloss is worth this! 

----
:''[when Lightning pulls Scott off the rock he was clinging to, they accidentally knock Alejandro the robot off the edge of the cliff, which then falls into the lake]''
:'''Heather''': ''[smirking]'' So long and good riddance. ''[Alejandro the robot lands at the bottom of the lake, where the sharks proceed to attack him; however, Alejandro the robot explodes and frees him, much to everyone's surprise, especially Heather]'' You have got to be kidding me!!
:'''Alejandro''': ''[confessional; after being inside the robot suit from his lava injury]'' Last thing I remember, I was burn to a crisp by the volcano and Chris sealed me up in that robot suit to heal. It feels so good to be free after all this time. I must thank Scott for his cowardice. ''[when he returns to the game, he lands on the beach, catches the key until his legs fall asleep, and heads in the confessional again]'' I was stuck in that robot suit for a year! My legs are so asleep, it looks like they're in a coma! WAKEY! WAKEY! Nothing!

----
:''[Zoey and Lindsay are near the spa hotel]''
:'''Zoey''': Wrong key, so much for a lead.
:''[Alejandro and Jo arrive at the hotel]''
:'''Lindsay''': ''[gasps when Alejandro shows up]'' Jalapeño?! When did you get here?
:'''Alejandro''': ''[returns to the game after being out of the robot suit]'' Silly Lindsay! I was here the whole time! ''[he uses the right key to open the door]'' Finalmente!
:'''Jo''': Finally!
:'''Chris''': The door is open, the vultures win!
:''[Lindsay and Zoey groan]''

----
:''[At the elimination ceremony]''
:'''Chris''': Welcome to our first elimination ceremony! How do you like the new Peanut Gallery? Huh. Now, opponents can watch someone give them the boot, before they head to the Spa Hotel for a deluxe dinner.
:''[The Villain Vultures cheer for their victory reward]''
:'''Gwen''': ''[Comes over to Courtney]'' Hey. Even though I technically didn't do anything wrong, I'm sorry about the way the whole Duncan thing went down. But, ''[Hands out flowers]'' Here. I pick these just for you. ''[Courtney sneezes]'' Oh no! You're allergic?!
:'''Courtney''': Told you you were a villain. ''[sneezes again]''

----
:''[Lindsay got herself eliminated because her ineptitude played a part in costing her team the challenge]''
:'''Chris''': Following people are safe. Cameron, Sierra, Zoey, Mike, and Sam. Lindsay, you're on the chopping block for your terrible driving skills ''[Lindsay is shocked]'' Courtney, you're on the chopping block for making Lindsay drive.
:'''Lindsay''': Yeah, what's the matter with you?
:'''Chris''': And the loser is...''[pause]''...Lindsay! 
:''[Courtney catches the marshmallow]''
:'''Lindsay''': ''[After she got eliminated]'' Thank goodness! Wait. Do I have to ride that scary catapult thing?
:'''Chris''': Nope, this year we've got a new elimination device. ''[The screen flips to Lindsay in a giant toilet]'' Behold, the Flush of Shame! patent-pending.
:''[The Heroic Hamsters except for Sierra are disgusted by the new elimination device]''
:'''Mike''': Gross!
:'''Courtney''': Ew!
:'''Zoey''': Yikes!
:''[Sierra takes a picture of the Flush of Shame]''
:'''Lindsay''': Well, see you guys, it's been...
:''[Chris touches the button to activate the Flush of Shame; Lindsay screams and she spins around and disappears and then, water came up and everyone got soaked.]''
:'''Courtney''': Gross! 
:'''Mike''': Ew, ew, ew!  

----
:''[Exclusive clip: Lindsay's Flush of Shame in New York; Fade into a sewer, where the giant albino alligator is lying on his belly below a drain. Suddenly a splash of water comes from above, and Lindsay falls through and lands right on top of the gator’s head]''
:'''Lindsay''': Wow, where do you get that amazing alligator coat? 
:''[The gator roars and Lindsay falls forward into the water. The gator snaps its jaw and Lindsay runs away; the gator crawls after her]''

===Evil Dread [5A.02]===
:'''Mike''': ''[as Chester]'' There's a storm 'a coming dagnabbit! ''[then Svetlana]'' I'm scared! After all zese years, he's going to return! ''[then Vito]'' Ayo, how we gonna stop this goombah? ''[then Manitoba]'' Hush it, mates. Mike is waking up! ''[Wakes up as his normal self, looks around]'' Uh… huh, wuzzat? You guys say something? 

----
:''[Sierra takes a picture of Courtney sleeping, thus waking her.]''
:'''Courtney''': Gah. What the heck?!
:'''Zoey''': ''[wakes up]'' Courtney! What's wrong?
:'''Courtney''': What's wrong is that we're sharing a cabin with a super fan with a bad case of crazy.
:'''Sierra''': ''[giggles]'' Hey Courtney. I've updated the sleeping section of your picture gallery on my fan site. Whee!

----
:'''Chef''': ''(from outside)'' Room service, suckers! ''(Tosses another bucket of gruel through the door, Zoey and Courtney scream out as it covers them)''
:'''Courtney''': ''(offscreen)'' What's wrong with you?
:'''Chef''': ''(Peeks his head through the door)'' Here's breakfast! ''(Chuckles as he scoots away)''
:'''Sierra''': ''(grinning and waving)'' Thank you, Chef! 
:'''Courtney''': ''(swipping the gruel of her face)'' We have GOT to win the next challenge at get into that spa hotel!
:''[Sierra picks up the gruel from the floor and eats it loudly]''
:'''Sierra''': True love sure does build up an apetite.

----
:'''Jo''': I just hope Lightning doesn't find the invincibility statue. If we don't vote him off soon, he'll be too strong to beat later.
:'''Scott''': So, maybe we should do this right away. Throw the next challenge.
:'''Jo''': And give up all this?! No way!
:'''Scott''': True enough! This is sweet! You know what I slept on last night? A pillow, filled with feathers! Back on the farm, it's a burlap sack filled with small animals. You ever had a pillow bite your face?
:'''Jo''': I would like to enjoy my breakfast now, and that will require you to stop talking.

----
:''[Alejandro where he gets his legs massaged by an intern after being stuck inside the robot suit from his lava injury while Heather sits on a chair watching]''
:'''Heather''': Quit hogging the masseuse!
:'''Alejandro''': ''[sighs]'' I'm sure her hands are magical, if only I could feel them.
:'''Heather''': Seriously? Your legs are ''still'' asleep?
:'''Alejandro''': ''[raises his head revealing two strips of wax on his eyebrows]'' I don't know if they'll ever wake up. I was squashed into that robot suit for an entire year. Which you'd have known, had you ever texted?!
:'''Heather''': It's not like you ever texted me. ''[Notices the wax strips on Alejandro's eyebrows]'' Are you getting your eyebrows waxed? Wow.
:'''Alejandro''': They call it &quot;manscaping,&quot; because it is very ''manly''. And I didn't text you BECAUSE I WAS TRAPPED IN A ROBOT SUIT!
:'''Heather''': Well, whatever. ''[yanks off a wax strip off Alejandro's eyebrow causing him to scream in pain; Confessional]'' Please. This &quot;my legs don't work&quot; thing is obviously bogus. He just wants sympathy. But news flash I am not falling for him! It! Not falling for ''it''.
:'''Alejandro''': ''[Confessional]'' I've never found Heather to be more radiant. Her glossy locks, her perma-frown, the way the hair on her upper lip catches the light when she yells at me. ''[short pause]'' Keep in mind, I was in a robot suit for a year.

----
:'''Scott''': ''[nudging Lightning]'' Any luck finding the invincibility statue?
:'''Lighting''': No need. I ''am'' an invincibility statue!
:'''Alejandro''': ''[Confessional]'' He is ''so'' arrogant! I might understand it if he had this face, but he does not ''have'' this face.
:'''Lightning''': ''[Confessional]'' &quot;Arrogant?!&quot; Be fair now, look at me. Sha-yeah!

----
:'''Zoey''': ''(To the huddle of Heroic Hamsters)'' We should divide our area into sections and each dig in one!
:'''Courtney''': No, let's separate the beach into quadrants and each pick a quadrant!
:'''Cameron''': ''(Confused)'' That's exactly what Zoey said.
:'''Courtney''': ''(Annoyed)'' Then...Good! We'll use the plan that Zoey and I came up with!
:''[Zoey Putting her hands in the center of the hundle]''
:'''Heroic Hamsters''': ''(minus Courtney, who glares)'' GO TEAM! ''(They throw their hands up in the air)''
:'''Courtney''': ''(groaning)'' Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Can we start digging now? ''[Confessional]'' What’s with the loving? Hello! It’s called Total Drama, not Total Friendship.

----
:'''Lightning''': ''[Confessional]'' Sometimes when my tummy's empty, my mind ain't full. Stupid Boney Island fish. ''[Gags]''
:'''Gwen''': ''[Confessional]'' Ugh! I can't believe Lightning made it to last season's finale. Does he ever sha-shut up?!
:'''Lightning''': ''[Confessional, pukes]''

----
:'''Jo''': ''[holding up her shovel]'' Attention team! I am your leader!
:'''Heather''': No, I am! ''[jams her shovel back into the sand, a small clang is heard]'' I found a piece! ''[she digs it out, revealing a black statue base. Heather picks it up and starts carrying it towards the platform]''
:'''Jo''': ''[runs over to Heather, grabs the other end of the piece]'' You'd never have found it without me!
:''[they tug at it until they accidentally drop it on Jo’s foot, she screams]''
:'''Heather''': ''[smirking]'' Oops, sorry. ''[Jo pushes Heather into the moat; crabs swarm her]''

----
:'''Chester''': Oh, that can’t be good.
:'''Manitoba Smith''': ''[getting up]'' Hi. Do you feel that? The malevolent one, he's coming!
:''[Svetlana shrieks in terror; the other personalities turn to the portrait of Mike burned into a picture of Mal in a silhouette]''

----
:'''Sam''': Ow! Jellyfish! It stung my butt! Ow!
:''[Everyone laughs at Sam's misfortune, especially Mike]''
:'''Zoey''': How can you laugh?
:'''Mike''': Cuz, the only cure for a jellyfish sting is to pee on it.
:''[Sam screams and jumps in the water and pees on the jellyfish underwater; sighs]''
:'''Zoey''': Ew.

----
:'''Chris''': The Heroic Hamsters win!
:''[The Villainous Vultures groan, while the Heroic Hamsters cheer.]''
:'''Cameron, Courtney and Sierra''': Spa Hotel! Spa Hotel! ''(Sierra lifts Cameron up like a doll)''
:'''Chris''': ''(clears his throat)'' I do require a volunteer for exile duty!
:'''Sam''': This one's on me guys, to make up for my lack of digging skills and...Whoa! ''(Chef grabs him by the collar and drags him to the boat of losers which sends him off)''
:''[Sam volunteers for exile to Boney Island and the Heroic Hamsters head for the spa hotel]''
:'''Gwen''': ''[Courtney stops and glares at her]'' Hey, Courtney. ''[walking up to Courtney, apologetically]'' I just wanna say congrats on a...''[Before she can finish, steps on another hidden booby trap, a spring shoots up launching a garbage bag flying up into the air]'' Whoa!
:''[Gwen quickly slams her shovel into the garbage bag, sending it flying into Courtney and she gasped in shock]''
:'''Courtney''': ''[Her head was covered of stinky garbage, coughs in disgusted]'' ...Ew... ''[Coughs in disgusted]''
:''[Chris claps sarcastically]''
:'''Gwen''': ''[Courtney walks away angrily glaring at her, She walking after her panicking]'' That was an accident! I...
:'''Chris''': Gwen, Gwen, Gwen. ''So'' evil. You are ''definitely'' on the right team! ''[she hangs her head, defeated]''

----
:'''Mal''': ''[maliciously]'' One by one, they will ''all'' fall.
:'''Zoey''': ''[realizes]'' Huh. Did you say something, Mike?
:'''Mike''': ''[quickly reverts back to normal]'' Uh, no! Just sitting here!

----
:''[Lightning got eliminated because he miscounted the amount of puzzle pieces his team collected which contributed to his team's loss.]''
:'''Chris''': The following players are safe for another day. Duncan, Gwen, Scott, Alejandro and Heather. Lightning, you’re on the chopping block for your crummy math skills and incessant bicep kissing.
:'''Lightning''': If they were yours, you’d do it too! ''[kisses his biceps]''
:'''Chris''': And Jo, you’re on the block for your annoyingly pushy campaign to send Lightning home.
:'''Lightning''': ''[glares at Jo, as she smirks]'' You did, what?!
:'''Chris''': And tonight’s loser is... Lightning!
:'''Lightning''': Sha-What?! ''[scene dissolves to him in the Flush Of Shame]'' Tossing away your strongest team member?! You're gonna regret this, especially you, Jo! You're a total- ''[Chris presses the remote button and Lightning gets flushed]'' Sha-AAAAAGGGHHHH!!!!

----
:''[Exclusive clip: Lightning's Flush of Shame in Paris; Fade into underwater near a drainpipe; Lightning floats out of the pipe, and straight to the surface, right in front of a mime feeling around an imaginary wall]''
:'''Lightning''': ''(Gasps for air)'' Not cool! ''(Notices the mime)'' what the-?! ''(Zoom out to reveal the Eiffel Tower)'' The [[w:Eiffel Tower|Eiffel Tower]]? Whoa! I must be in [[w:Germany|Germany]]! ''(Looks to the mime)'' What’s up, German clown? ''(The mime points nervously off-screen, and then motions as if something is coming. The mime then stands on his foot, making a swimming motion)'' Oh, you want me to show you my muscles? Stand back, ''(Poses)'' ‘cus here comes the gun show! 
:''[Suddenly a swan boat, carrying Blainely and Bruno the bear, zooms forward, dragging Lightning with it]''
:'''Mime''': ''(Annoyed with a French accent)'' imbecile. ''(Walks away)''

===Saving Private Leechball [5A.03]===
:'''Duncan''': Ugh, I've almost forgotten about these crud-tacular cabins.
:'''Alejandro''': (''sighs'') Let us hope it is our ''only'' visit.
:'''Scott''': ''[leans back, hitting his head on the hard pillow]'' Ow! I miss the hotel. Now that I know how rich people live, everything I used to like stinks! ''[the bunk bed starts to collapse, gets a coil wire in his eye]'' Ow! Lousy discount bed! ''[punches the bed and screams in pain as nails are tacked on to his hand]''
:'''Duncan''': ''[Confessional]'' Scott's okay, at least with him you know what you're getting... which is crud, but still, nice to know.

----
:'''Alejandro''': ''[confessional]'' After a year in that robot suit, I find it difficult to sleep if I'm all spread out.

----
:'''Heather''': Thanks again for blowing the challenge, Jo.
:'''Jo''': Me?! ''You're'' the one who wasted time arguing instead of digging.
:'''Heather''': I wouldn't have needed to argue if everyone just did what I told them to do. I'm the one with the most experience on this team.
:'''Gwen''': ''[annoyed]'' It's ''everyone's'' fault for not working together as a team! Now cram it! I am trying to sleep!

----
:''[Cut to the next morning at Spa Hotel. The heroes sit at the table, all eating delicious breakfast food]''
:'''Cameron''': ''(holding an egg)'' Ah, I've never seen eggs so perfectly hardboiled! The odds are ten trillion to one!
:'''Mike''': ''(clutching some Bacon)'' Maple? Bacon? Let's never lose again!
:'''Courtney''': ''(The only one not looking happy)'' It's not all perfect. Hey, Butler? ''(the butler comes immediately)'' I've got a problem. ''(Cameron puts the egg in his pocket)'' This juice is about 5% too pulpy, ''(Zoey and Mike glance at each other conspiratorially and put some bacon in their pockets)'' I thought you were supposed to cater to our every...''(the butler hands her a glass of orange juice)'' Oh! that was fast. ''(glares at him suspiciously)'' But I'm sure it won't be...''(takes a slip of orange juice)''....perfect! 

----
:'''Heather''': ''[Confessional]'' &quot;Teamwork?&quot; Ugh, don’t make me barf. I am ''still'' gonna take control.

----
:'''Cameron''': (Confessional)'' Sierra and I have a lot in common. We're both super-smart, and we can both be a teensy bit socially oblivious sometimes.
:'''Sierra''': ''(From outside)'' Cameron, what are you doing in there?
:'''Cameron''': Like I said...

----
:''(Courtney walks behind Gwen and Duncan, glaring at Gwen and Duncan)''
:'''Gwen''': Ugh! Courtney is glaring at me again. Can you make her stop?
:'''Duncan''': Love to, but right now I'm blanking her like she's blanking me. so, no can do ''(he shrugs)'' but let you know if you catch her looking my way.
:''(Gwen stops and sighs as Courtney walks past)''
:'''Alejandro''': ''(to Gwen)'' If you were my girlfriend, I wouldn't let anyone gaze at you, least they spoil your ethereal beauty! ''(smirks)'' Just something to consider. ''(walks off)'' 

----
:'''Heather''': ''[Confessional]'' Leeches?! Chris is really making us ''earn'' the million this year, jerk.

----
:'''Mike''': ''[Confessional]'' Courtney is kind of scary sometimes. (''Mal takes over'') And I love when things get scary. (''Changes back to Mike, laughs'') So uh, what was I saying?

----
:'''Courtney''': ''[Confessional; throwing her arms up in defense]'' No one told me we were doing that! 

----
:'''Courtney''': ''[Confessional]'' Zoey has some seriously impressive skills. And that is why she’s got to go.

----
:''[Just then, a leech hit Alejandro]''
:'''Alejandro''': Please, attempt to be reasonable! ''(They launch into an argument, ignoring the leach that's heading straight to them. It ends up hitting Alejandro in the butt)'' Ahh! I'm hit! ''(he shrinks before collapsing)''
:''[It was revealed that Zoey was the one who hit Alejandro]''
:'''Zoey''': Sorry. But not totally. ''(Runs off as the vilains try to fire at her but miss her completely)''
:''[The Villains started shooting leeches, Jo launches the leech-cannon, But, ends up hitting Scott.]''
:'''Scott''': Ugh! Oh, c'mon! ''[sighs and falls down]''
:'''Chris''': ''[laughs, over the PA]'' That's two points for the Heroes and zilch for the Villains!
:'''Duncan''': But, Zoey only hit Alejandro!
:'''Chris''': True! But, friendly fire counts!
:''[everyone glared at Jo]''
:'''Jo''': What?! Dirt-boy got in the way!
:'''Heather''': You can take your excuses and stick it in your...''[gets hit by a leech]'' Ahh! ''[It was revealed that Mike was the one who hit her as she is trying to pull the leech off]'' In my hair! What is wrong with you?!
:'''Chris''': Make that 3 to 0!

----
:'''Gwen''': (''Confessional'') Whoops. Being in charge is harder than it looks.
:'''Chris''': Tell me about it.

----
:'''Chris''': ''[Over the PA]'' This just in! With a final score of 6 points to 3, the Heroes win! Although, some didn't behave quite so heroically. Courtney!
:'''Courtney''': My survival instinct kicked in! ''[short pause]'' Anyone would've done the same! 

----
:'''Chris''': Welcome Back, Villainous Vultures! Second elimination in a row. Way to lose! Now, get ready to cut someone loose. It's voting time!

----
:''[Jo got eliminated because she constantly bickered with other team-mates and misfired in the challenge, covering Scott with leeches, Chris then forces Courtney and Duncan to switch teams]''
:'''Chris''': Alrighty then, onwards and flushwards. The folllowing villains are safe: Gwen,Alejandro,Duncan and Scott. ''[tosses marshmallows to each of them]'' Heather and Jo, you're on the edge. Heather, for being a pain in the keister, and Jo, for being a pain in the keister, who also took out her own team-mate in today's challenge.
:'''Jo''': He should have ducked.
:'''Chris''': And tonight's flushy is...Jo! ''[tosses the final marshmallow to Heather]''
:'''Jo''': What?! Are you all nuts?!
:'''Chris''': But, before we get flushing, I want to do a little reshuffling. Today, one villain acted more like a hero. And one hero acted more like a villain. So, pack your bags and switch your teams, Courtney and Duncan.
:''[everyone gasping]''
:'''Courtney''': ''[shocked]'' I don't want to be a villain! 
:'''Duncan''': And I don't want to be a lame ol' hero.
:'''Chris''': Yeah-yeah, yeah-yeah, just... do it!
:'''Duncan''': ''[Sighs]'' It was fun while it lasted! ''[kisses Gwen and then, Courtney and Duncan then, switched their teams]'' At least now, you'll have to stop blanking me and admit that I exist.
:'''Courtney''': Yeah, you exist. '''SO WHAT?!'''
:'''Duncan''': Um. I like the blanking better!
:'''Gwen''': ''[Sits up to greet Courtney]'' So, Hey. Welcome to the team. ''[Walks over to Courtney but she accidentally kicks a bucket of leeches into Courtney’s head]'' Ahh!
:'''Courtney''': Ahh! Eww! ''[She takes the bucket off and showing her head been covered of leeches]'' Ahh!
:'''Gwen''': I swear! I didn't see the pail!
:'''Chris''': ''[Laughs]'' Pure evil!

----
:'''Chris''': Any final words?
:'''Jo''': Just flush it already!
:'''Chris''': ''[presses the flush button as Jo gets flushed away]'' I will not miss her.

----
:''[Exclusive clip: Jo's Flush of Shame in Egypt; Fade into a sewer, with hieroglyphics on the walls. Jo falls through the top pipe and lands on her butt]''
:'''Jo''': ''(Stands up and dusts herself off)'' Great! Now what! ''(Notices a bunch of scarab beetles crawling around)'' Scarabs? ''(Crosses her arms; not impressed)'' Whoop-de-doo! Do your worst, stupid pathetic roach wannabes!
:''[Suddenly, a whole swarm of scarabs surround Jo. Cut to above a manhole cover, in [[w:Egypt|Egypt]]. A lot of feet, including a camel’s feet, walk by as Jo’s screams are heard]''
:'''Jo''': ''(offscreen)'' I TAKE IT BACK! DO YOUR BEST!! ''[screams]''

===Food Fright [5A.04]===
:'''Alejandro''': ''(grumbling)'' Disgusting! I bet the girls are not treated this cruelly.
:''[a loud poof is heard, indicating another sack of gruel was dropped our and Courtney's scream rings out]''
:'''Courtney''': ''[offscreen]'' EW!
:'''Alejandro''': I stand corrected.
:'''Courtney''': ''[Confessional; her head was covered in gruel]'' I wish Chef would pass on the whole &quot;bed and breakfast&quot; thing and let us starve instead! it would be more humane.
:''[Courtney walks out of the cloud of powered gruel and opens the door to find Scott standing there with a bucket full of gruel]''
:'''Scott''': You gonna finish your gruel?
:'''Courtney''': What? No, gross! Help yourself!
:'''Scott''': ''[Scrapes some off Courtney]'' You clean up real nice.
:'''Courtney''': ''[Confessional]'' Hmm...Smelly, pit-stainy....But I definitely need an ally now that I'm stuck on Team Villain, so...Hmmm.. ''(sighs)''

----
:'''Hero Hamsters''': ''(the room lights up, revealing a huge party with confetti and a cake that was being held by the butler)'' Welcome to the hero team, Duncan! ''(They put and party hat and party blower on him)''
:'''Duncan''': ''[Confessional; still wearing the party hat]'' Ugh, to all my peeps back home and at juvie, I am not a hero! ''(groans)'' It must be a trap to gain my trust and Bam! ''(punches his hand with his fist)'' They vote me off. ''(points behind him)'' Fat chance of that, but I can't let them know that I know, so yeah, I ate the cake! It was like eating the happiest day of my life! ''(sniffles)''

----
:'''Duncan''': ''[Confessional; missing Gwen]'' Man, I miss my villainous babe. I bet she's having a blast.
:'''Gwen''': ''[Confessional; sadly, clutching her legs]'' This, is the worst. I only came back to Total Drama to make things better with Courtney. ''[Puts her head deep into her lap and starts to sob]'' But now she hates me, more than ever..!
:''[Cut to the outside of the confessional booth with Courtney is holding an umbrella, listening to Gwen as she is heard sobbing]''
:'''Courtney''': ''[Confessional]'' She came back for me? Yeah, right! She’d probably knew I’d overhear. But... how?

----
:'''Courtney''': Nice one, Scott. And yes, I was being sarcastic! ''[noticing Scott smiling at her]'' What? What?!
:'''Scott''': You're pretty when you're mad.
:'''Heather''': Barf!

----
:'''Chris''': ''[After Alejandro reswallows to prevent from barfing]'' Taste so nice, he ate it twice!
:'''Alejandro''': ''[Confessional; sulking]'' Chris will PAY for laughing at me!
:'''Chris''': ''[Over the intercom]'' I sincerely doubt it, ''Al''! ''[laughs as Alejandro frowns sulkingly]''

----
:'''Duncan''': ''[Confessional with his lips swollen from mouse trap]'' I'm not wanna care about my looks, but man, check out my lips! It's like two worms having a street fight down there.

----
:'''Mike''': ''[Confessional]'' Even if I ''could'' access my alternate personalities, I don’t think they’d help. Svetlana only eats veggies, Vito’s a total carnivore, Manitoba hates carbs, and Chester would just complain there’s too much syrup.

----
:'''Courtney''': I'm not going after Gwen! She'll leave a booby trap in there for me!
:'''Heather''': Um, I think she's a little to busy for that.
:'''Courtney''': ''[shouting]'' Fine! I'll go next! ''(in a normal tone)'' But if we lose, Gwen goes home, deal? ''(offers her had to Heather)''
:'''Heather''': ''(turning to Courtney and shaking her hand wile keeping her other hand behind her back)'' Deal. ''(the camera zooms in to reveal she's crossing her fingers)''

----
:'''Courtney''': ''[Yelling inside the spinner which is way faster than before]'' Whoa-Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh! ''[a little red light on the intern's side begins flashing]'' Is this normal??? ''[she screams as the machine sputters and sparks, sending her flying into the air]''
:''[Chris laughing]''
:'''Courtney''': ''[Confessional; shivering while curled up in a fetal position with her hair shooting out in strands and her eyes glazed in fear]'' Seeing...Future...Must stop eating cake! 

----
:'''Chris''': Listen up, campers. As I have a shocking announcement to make. Gwen didn't accidentally on purpose serve Courtney an ouchie today!
:'''Courtney''': The day's not over yet.

----
:'''Chris''': Sam! Will you stand up and turn out your pockets please!
:''[Sam does so, and chunks of pancakes come out, and everyone gasped.]''
:'''Sam''': I just saved a tiny bit, in case I had to go to Boney Island again, it's a terrible place, I'm sorry!
:'''Chris''': Heroes forfeit! Villains win it!

----
:''[Originally, The Heroic Hamsters were the winners of the pancake eating obstacle-course race challenge. However, it was later revealed by Chris that Sam had smuggled some leftover pieces of pancake from the challenge in case he was sent to exile on Boney Island, thus making the Heroes forfeit the challenge. In the end, the Heroes voted Sam out of the game.]''
:'''Chris''': Any last words before, you know...
:'''Sam''': I just wanna say... ''[Chris presses the button; he then screams and gets flushed]''
:'''Chris''': Psyche!

----
:''[Exclusive clip: Sam's Flush of Shame; winds up in the sewer and thinks turtles are video game sprites]''
:'''Sam''': ''[laughs]'' Awesome! ''[jumps on their shells and goes down the pipe (a la Super Mario)]''

===Moon Madness [5A.05]===
:'''Mal''': (''Pretending to be Mike'') Hi! I'm a bug-eyed weirdo and everybody loves me!

----
:'''Heather''': Ugh, do you have to whistle through your nose while you eat, Windie? 
:'''Alejandro''': ''[sighs]'' Typical Heather. 
:'''Heather''': ''[gasped]'' ''(Confessional)'' Typical Heather? He calls that a comeback? It's like he's not even trying! It's like he's lost interest in me. No one has ''ever'' lost interest in me!  
:'''Alejandro''': ''(Confessional)'' To get the upper hand, I must throw Heather off her game. And so far, so ''bueno''. ''Muy bueno''. 
:''(Confessionals off)''
:'''Courtney''': ''[sighs]'' I feel like I'm missing something. But what? What could it possibly... 
:''[An orange bird chirps like Scott's laugh]'' 
:'''Courtney''': ''[gasped]'' Scott! I actually miss that scuzzball! I wonder how he's doing on Boney Island. 

----
:'''Scott''': My dad was in the army.

----
:'''Courtney''': Um... since when do gators do that?
:'''Alejandro''': This moon is like no other. It must be causing the animals to become their opposite.
:'''Heather''': Wow, Alejandro. You're so smart!
:'''Alejandro''': Excuse me?
:'''Heather''': ''[to alligator]'' Who's a little boojy-boojy-boo? You are. Yes, you are! 

----
:'''Alejandro''': ''(Yelling back)'' Hurry up, Heather, you have the map! 
:''(Heather is still cuddling with the alligator)''
:'''Heather''': Yay! Running! ''(She runs after the villains; the gator waves goodbye. Soon she runs ahead of everyone else)'' Good work, guys! We're halfway to the finish line! ''(She leaps ahead)'' Yippee, this is fun! 
:'''Gwen''': ''(Looks nervously at Heather)'' Okay, this is sufficiently weird. 
:'''Courtney''': I know, ''(Heather is now skipping along happily)'' why is Heather being affected by the blue harvest moon?
:'''Gwen''': Maybe she's part wolf?
:''[Gwen and Courtney both laugh before Courtney coughs glares at Gwen, running up ahead]''

----
:'''Courtney''': Gwen! Ugh, where is she?
:'''Alejandro:''' Maybe she's at the finish line already.
:'''Zoey''': Ugh, the bridge is out. How are we supposed to get across now?
:'''Sierra''': Hey, Mike!
:'''Mal (Mike)''': What? Hey, there you are!
:'''Cameron''': Mike, where'd you go?
:'''Mal (Mike)''': Sorry, Cam. A bear chased me away! But it's okay, I think I shook him.
:'''Zoey''': But with the weird moon, wouldn't a bear be all sweet and cuddly?
:'''Mal (Mike)''': Right, right! Ha ha, oh, I'm an idiot.
:'''Sierra''': I know how we can cross the pit! ''[laughs]'' 

----
:''[Courtney was about to get attacked by the deer, but, Gwen saved her.]''
:'''Courtney''': You saved me?!
:'''Gwen''': You'd do the same if our positions were reversed!

----
:'''Scott''': My mom is a waitress.

----
:'''Gwen''': Ugh! I can't do this anymore! ''[angrily pushes Duncan aside]'' It's over!
:'''Duncan''': ''[shocked and confused]'' What just happened?!
:'''Gwen''': ''[confessional; sighs]'' I never thought it would end like this. When he kissed me on the plane after the London challenge, I felt fireworks. This time, it was like being kissed by a shoe. The thrill is ''so'' gone!

----
:''[Chris moves Cameron to the Villains team]''
:'''Chris''': Ok peeps; each of you is a loser in your own right. But, the villains won the challenge, so, they've earned themselves another night of luxurious luxury at my spa hotel.
:'''Scott''': ''[raises his hand]'' I volunteer for exile on Boney Island!
:'''Chris''': ''[shrugs]'' Sure, I don't care.
:'''Courtney''': ''[worried]'' What? No! ''[turns to Scott]'' Why?
:'''Scott''': ''[puts his hand on Courtney’s shoulder]'' Sorry, babe; I gotta find that invincibility statue.
:''[the copter lowers its claw and picks Scott up again and Courtney sighs as he is carried away]''
:'''Chris''': Ok people, tonight we-
:'''Cameron''': Wait!
:'''Chris''': ''[glaring]'' Now what?
:'''Cameron''': I volunteer for the Flush of Shame!
:'''Sierra''': ''[crying]'' Noooo!
:'''Mike''': ''[worried]'' Cameron, why?
:'''Cameron''': Sorry, Mike; I'd love to help you with your, uh, problem, but I just can't take any more of, y'know, this! ''[points to Sierra, who is curled up on the ground, sobbing]''
:'''Sierra''': Oh, are you allergic to long grass? I can get chains instead!
:'''Chris''': ''[grinning]'' Well isn't this a perfect way to introduce the surprise twist. One of today's ejected heroes is tomorrow’s new villain! ''[everyone gasps]''
:'''Cameron''': ''[confused]'' What?
:'''Chris''': That's right! Instead of flushing Cameron, I'm sending him over to the villains’ side! ''[the heroes gasp, Sierra sounds more disappointed]'' Sorry Sierra.
:''[Mike suddenly gasps and his hair flips over his eye again and laughs, Mal returning, before pushing up his hair to look like Mike]''
:'''Cameron''': I'll find a way to help you, even from the villains’ side, I promise. ''[extends his hand]''
:'''Mal''': ''[grips Cameron’s hand, grinning]'' Gee, thanks, pal.
:''[Cameron nervously walks over to the villains’ side, staring up at them]''
:'''Cameron''': ''[weakly]'' Uh, hi...
:''[everyone glares down at him; Gwen’s the only one smiling]''

----
:''[Exclusive clip: Cameron's confessional]''
:'''Cameron''': ''[Confessional]'' What was Chris when he switched me over to the villain's team? There isn't an evil bone in my body. I had the medical documentation to prove it. ''[he showed his X-ray picture]'' Maybe if I practice some villainous laughter before hand. ''[Laughing in evil-alike as he falls in a toilet; grunts]'' Uh oh. Hello? Anybody? A little help?

===No One Eggspects the Spanish Opposition [5A.06]===
:'''Courtney''': (''Confessional'') With Cameron on our team, the newbie target's off my back. Next time we lose, Four-Eyes goes home. Unless he can't fix his glasses, then he'll be Two-Eyes. Still, he's out.

----
:'''Gwen''': The Villains team isn't entirely made up of evil people.
:'''Heather''': (''To Cameron'') You look nerdier than before, I know it sounds impossible, but here you are doing it, so...
:'''Alejandro''': Heather, please. I think that he pulls off a nerdy look with a generous measure of dignified flair.
:'''Gwen''': It's mostly made up of evil people.

----
:''[At the girls' side of the Heroic Hamsters' Cabin, Sierra is crying on the bed]''
:'''Zoey''': Sierra, are you okay? ''[Sierra sobs]''
:'''Sierra''': Oh, Zoey, I miss Cody-Cam!
:'''Zoey''': D-Do you mean Cameron?
:'''Sierra''': ''[gets mad at Zoey]'' That's what I said!
:'''Zoey''': Uh, no, you didn't.
:'''Sierra''': Well, your ears are wrong and, and so is your face! ''[ran out of the Heroic Hamsters' Cabin, crying, until Mal puts his leg over and makes her trip, revealing her idenity as &quot;Eric Cartman&quot;]''

----
:'''Chris''': Now, before we head home, did anyone leave anything behind that they'd like to go get?
:'''Heather''': ''[walks off to the rock where she hid the statue and she reaches in and starts feeling around for it]'' Come to mama! C'mon, ''[looks into the rocks]'' why can't I- ''[gasps as she realizes Alejandro took it away from her, she walks up and growls to Chris]'' You took it! I know you did!
:'''Chris''': I have no idea to what you are referring. All aboard!
:'''Heather''': Of course Chris took my invincibility statue, who else?! You with your see-all cameras everywhere! Well WHATEVER! I am not the one going home tonight, that I promise you!

----
:''[Alejandro was voted off, but he used the immunity idol to save himself (just like Scott in &quot;[[Total Drama: Revenge of the Island]]&quot;). The only vote that wasn't for Alejandro was for Heather, thus eliminating her instead much to Heather's horror.]''
:'''Chris''': I've tallied the votes and tonight's flushee is... Alejandro.
:'''Heather''': Ha! 
:'''Alejandro''': Oh, I don't think I'm leaving.
:'''Heather''': Oh yeah? Really? Why is that?
:'''Alejandro''': ''[finally stands on his feet, surprising the team; walks up to Heather, and pulls out the Chris head statue; revealing he stole it from her]'' I've got diplomatic immunity!
:''[everyone gasps]''
:'''Chris''': Just immunity, Alejandro.
:'''Heather''': ''[incredibly furious]'' You! YOU! YOU!
:'''Chris''': Hate to interrupt during such a well thought-out argument, but, the only vote that wasn’t for Alejandro, was for ''[pulls out Heather’s photo, revealing she has been voted off]'' you. You, you! So, ''you'' are getting flushed!
:'''Heather''': ''[falls on her knees much to her horror]'' NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
:'''Alejandro''': ''[confessional; satisfied about Heather's elimination]'' Such beauty a toilet has never seen.

----
:''[Mal as Mike whistles a tune as he walks to the boat for Boney Island exile]''
:'''Duncan''': ''[shocked gasp]'' I ''know'' that tune! ''[Confessional]'' Oh man, I knew Mike seem familiar. When I was a lonely punk in Juvie, he was running the place! But back then, his name was &quot;Mal!&quot; And ''he'' is bad news.

----
:''[As Heather is about to take the Flush of Shame crossing her arms looking very mad, Alejandro sits next to her on the toilet seat]''
:'''Alejandro''': Now that I have avenged the shame you once caused me, the slate is clean. We can start fresh. After all, we are a perfect couple.
:'''Heather''': ''[angrily pushes Alejandro off the toilet seat and he falls into the lake]'' Let's do this!
:''[Chris presses the button and Heather screams as she twirls around and disappears out of sight thanks to Alejandro]''

----
:''[Exclusive clip: Heather's Flush of Shame in Alaska; She lands in the [[w:Yukon|Yukon]]]''
:'''Heather''': ''[shivering]'' I'm in the Yukon?! ''[groans; gets her tongue is stuck to a pole (just like Bridgette in &quot;[[Total Drama World Tour]]&quot;) before getting attacked by a polar bear]''

===Suckers Punched [5A.07]===
:'''Courtney''': There are only nine players left, we have to merge soon. And after what you did to Heather, good luck find an ally, Al!
:'''Alejandro''': I would've prefer it if you did not call me that name. ''[Confessional]'' Last night, I dreamt about my older, smarter, better looking brother, José. ''[sighs exasperated]'' He always calls me &quot;Al&quot;, and I hate it! More than mutant fire beetles and conditioners that don't de-tangle!
:'''Scott''': What's wrong with the name, Al? My sister's name Al, short for Albertha! She's the county hog caller. ''[makes hog sounds and a real hog pounces on him]'' Oww!

----
:'''Chris''': ''[when the wheel lands on Fang]'' Say hello to your foe, Fang!
:'''Scott''': Huh? ''[screams as Fang appears with a mask and boxing gloves]''
:'''Courtney''': Hello! Scott! Scott!
:'''Chris''': C'mon, bro! Move it, or lose it!
:'''Duncan''': Oh. I'd say that's already happened!
:''[Scott gets thrown into the ring by Chef and gets repeatedly punched by Fang]''
:'''Courtney''': Wake up and smell the gloves hitting you in the face, Scott!
:'''Scott''':
:'''Chris''': Time's up and Fang wins, no point for the villains the score remains 1-0 Heroes.

----
:'''Alejandro''': ''[Confessional]'' There's only one person who I'd ever want to fight less than Heather, and ''that'' person is...  ''[The wheel stops, and the arrow points to a blue silhouette of his brother, José; shocked gasp]'' No! It can't be! ''[everyone gasps in surprise as José appears]'' José!
:'''Chris''': Ooh. Dog-ey! Does Al have what it takes to stand up to his big bro?
	
----
:''[Jose and Alejandro stand at opposite ends of the ring]''
:'''Jose''': ''[with venom in his voice]'' Buenos Dias, Al. You look tired, and in need of exfoliation.
:'''Alejandro''': I exfoliate once a week, and the only thing I'm tired of is you! ''[in the confessional when his voice becomes high-pitched as he whines]'' I knew my dream was a sign! My whole life, Jose has been better than me at everything; academics, sports, and yes, even personal grooming! ''[looks determined]'' Well not this time!
:'''Chris''': ''[annoyed]'' Enough with the touching family reunion! Start punching each other!
:''[The match-starting bell rings and the two brothers lunge at each other, punching and ducking. Oddly, however, they only land body hits and don't aim for the face]''
:'''Duncan''': Why are they just going with body hits? It's weird!
:'''Alejandro''': ''[in the confessional holding a mirror]'' It is the family code, not the face.
:'''Jose''': ''[in the confessional sitting in the opposite direction, also with a mirror]'' Never the face.
:'''Chris''': Looks like the villains are gonna be shut out AGAIN. Or should I say, punched out!
:''[Alejandro lunges for a punch, but Jose jumps back]''
:'''Jose''': Your technique is almost as embarrassing as the way your girlfriend with the unattractive personality burned you on national television… twice! ''[Alejandro growls as Jose laughs]''
:'''Alejandro''': ''[fiercely lunges at his brother, punching him off-screen]'' THAT'S for calling me Al! ''[leaps over Jose to pummel him from behind]'' That's for always hogging the bathroom mirror! ''[cut to everyone outside the ring's expressions, everyone shocked]'' And replacing my soap with a urinal cake! ''[cut back into the ring, Alejandro rapidly winding his arms for a giant punch]'' AND THIS... IS FOR CALLING ANY ASPECT OF HEATHER UNNATRACTIVE! ''[he lunges for the final punch, sending Jose flying onto the ropes, rebounding and face planting to the ground. Alejandro simply smirks and raises one hand in victory]''
:'''Chris''': Whoa, the villains get a point! And now we all know how Alejandro really feels about Heather.
:'''Alejandro''': ''[in the confessional looking directly into the camera]'' Heather? I know you're watching. I hope that last display shows you my true feelings so… ''[holds his hands out like a phone]'' Call me.

----
:'''Scott''': My sister Al is short for Albertha. She is apparently a talented pig-caller.

----
:'''Izzy''': ''[last appearance; smells]'' You smell weird, but a honey cruller wrapped in rotten ham. Good in the inside, rotten in the outside.

----
:''[Chris simply turns on the TV, which turns out to be a clip of Duncan and Gwen making out. The camera alternates between Courtney and the clips of Duncan and Gwen making out, Courtney gets super angry after every clip. The monitor shows what looks like one of Sierra’s blogs, with a picture of Sierra hugging Cody included. Another Gwen and Duncan make-out clip is shown]''
:'''Chris''': Isn't it awesome? The producers found it on Sierra's Gwuncan blog. 
:'''Gwen''': Uh, Courtney, remember, we're past this! We're friends again! 
:'''Courtney''': ''[after she growls]'' I guess I'm not as over it as I thought. Sorry, Gwen. This is going to hurt you more than it hurts me. ''[grunts; ready to trying beating up Gwen]''
:'''Gwen''': Ah! ''[she dodged]'' 
:'''Courtney''': That's for kissing my boyfriend! 
:'''Gwen''': ''[grunts]'' That's for him not being your boyfriend when he kissed me!  
:'''Duncan''': They're fighting over me. ''[confessional]'' See? Girls don't fight over a good guy. Total bad guy right here! Aww! Aww...  
:'''Chris''': Okay, time's up!  
:''[bell dings]''

----
:''[Courtney and Gwen collapse to their knees after fighting each other and saying the reason why they came back.]''
:'''Gwen''': So, Friends?
:'''Courtney''': Totes! ''[She and Gwen hug each other]'' Friends forever!
:'''Sierra and Zoey''': Aww...
:'''Chris''': ''[in tears]'' For putting a little warmth on my otherwise frozen heart, I'm giving you both one point. That makes it 3-2. Villains win!
:'''Villains''': ''[cheering]''
:'''Heroes''': ''[groaning]''

----
:''[the Villainous Vultures won the challenge, and their reward was to send a contestant of their choice on the Heroic Hamsters home. In the end, they chose Sierra]''
:'''Chris''': First off, I got all my missing teeth replaced, so now my handsomosity is back at 150%!!! ''[Smiles, none of the campers look impressed]'' Tonight, the winners get to choose which player is eliminated from the losers’ team. ''[The heroes start to gasp]'' Hold that gasp. And the losers are the choosers of which winner goes to Boney Island. And the teams are NOT merging! …Now you may gasp. ''[Everyone gasps]'' And there it is. Now, villains, who's going home tonight?
:''[The villains whisper to each other for a couple of seconds]''
:'''Gwen''': ''[Speaks up]'' We've decided-
:'''Cameron''': Reluctantly, very reluctantly!
:'''Gwen''': To eliminate... ''[The heroes all look tense for a few seconds]'' …Sierra!
:'''Sierra''': Meee, but why?
:'''Cameron''': You have a real Cody back home who needs you! For some reason... Now run, Sierra; run to him!
:'''Chris''': You mean swim, but, before Sierra gets flushed, which villain is going to exile on Boney Island? Heroes?
:'''Heroes''': ''[All in unison pointing at Alejandro]'' Alejandro!

----
:'''Gwen''': ''[As Sierra is in the Flush of Shame, crying]'' Sorry again! Say hi to Cody for me.
:'''Duncan''': And make more of those Gwuncan videos.  ''[Gwen glares at him]'' What?!
:'''Chris''': ''[holds up an umbrella]'' Hold your breath! ''[pushes button; flushing Sierra]''
:'''Sierra''': I'm coming Cody!!

----
:''[Exclusive clip: Sierra's Flush of Shame in Areas 51 and 52; She lands inside the Black Box building in Area 51 from Total Drama World Tour]''
:'''Sierra''': Where? ''[gasped]'' Area 51 for episode 67 of World Tour! That means...''[several pods open up revealing multiple Cody Clones]'' ''(squeals in exciting)'' Alien Cody Clones!!! ''[she happily carries one of the clones while chasing after the others and laugh]'' This is an Area 51. It's heaven!

===You Regetta Be Kidding Me [5A.08]===
:''[The scene begins at the spa hotel, where Gwen wakes up.]''
:'''Gwen''': I just dreamed I was riding a fluffy unicorn across clouds made of marshmallows.
:'''Courtney''': ''[walks over to Gwen]'' Yeah, there's soft beds all right.
:'''Gwen''': A couple days ago, I was ready to quit. Now that we're friends again, I never wanted to end!
:'''Courtney''': I hope we make it to the finale together!
:'''Gwen''': What about Scott?
:'''Courtney''': He's cool and all, but like you said, you gotta put friends first.
:'''Gwen''': Awww...
:'''Both''': If I don't win the million bucks, I hope you do! ''[in the confessional]'' And I mean it, too!

----
:'''Cameron''': ''[Confessional]'' Being on the villains team is so nerve-racking. I've started sleeping with one eye open and now I can't blink it! ''(blinks one eye)'' See?
:'''Scott''': ''[Confessional]'' I ''had'' to throw him off. The Heroes are taking over the Villains team! Gwen's a wannabe, and with Cameron and Courtney, me and Alejandro are outnumbered! If I was back home right now, I'd be barricading myself in the cellar with enough potatoes and toilet paper to last till the next millennium!
:'''Duncan''': ''[Confessional]'' Everyone thinks I've gone soft and lost my edge! I'll show them who's gone soft. I'll show 'em all!

----
:'''Chris''': Courtney and Gwen reached Coconut Alley.
:''[Chef drops coconuts]''
:'''Courtney''': Uh Oh! What's that?
:''[Coconuts pelted on the girls.]''
:'''Gwen''': Hey! ''[Courtney almost falls off the boat]'' Courtney! ''[Pulls her up]'' Whew.
:'''Courtney''': Thanks, Gwen! I almost got my hair wet.
:'''Gwen''': I would never let that happen. Your hair is fantastic!
:'''Courtney''': No! Your hair is.

----
:'''Duncan''': ''[sees the dynamite]'' Incoming, hold tight! ''[he grabs the stick and pinches out the fuse and chuckles]'' don't mind if I do! ''[Chef shakes his fist and growls]''
:'''Zoey''': ''[points off-screen at something]'' Is that where Chris lives?
:''[Pan over to reveal Playa Des Losers, the resort]''
:'''Duncan''': Yeah, beautiful. ''[Narrows his eyes while holding up his stick of dynamite]'' Just beautiful. ''[Suddenly jumps off the boat]''
:'''Zoey''': Duncan! Where are you going? ''[Duncan ignores her as he swims to shore]''
:'''Duncan''': ''[in the confessional]'' If ANYONE thinks I've gone soft or lost my Mojo, let's just say I found a way to set the record straight.

----
:''[Chris and Chef are laughing as Alejandro tries to get his boat to start after it stalled again.]''
:'''Gwen''': What's Alejandro doing? His engine must've died.
:'''Courtney''': Guess he'll have to Ale-hand-Row-Row-Row his boat! ''[the girls laugh while Gwen just raises an eyebrow at her. Courtney smiles sheepishly]''
:'''Gwen''': ''[a horn honks as the boats are catching up to them]'' Hurry, they're gaining on us!
:'''Courtney''': Not on my yacht!
:''[The speedboat speeds up. Courtney and Gwen cheer. Alejandro continues to try and start his boat as the others approach faster. However, he jumps onto the tip of his boat and touches the buoy with his nose, just as Gwen and Courtney catch up]''
:'''Chris''': Ooh, and Alejandro wins it by a nose! Courtney and Gwen take second place! Not that it matters; Mike, and Zoey take third. ''[Cameron paddles in, Scott glaring at him]'' And Cameron and Scott may have come in last, but they were definitely the funniest! A meal, not a snack! ''[he cackles like a mad hyena. Chef just shakes his head and rolls his eyes]'' Oh, my sides!
:'''Scott''': ''[Confessional]'' Pfft! It wasn't that funny, Chris!

----
:'''Chris''': ''[notices someone missing]'' Wait a minute, where's Duncan? [something explodes off screen]''
:'''Zoey''': What the heck was that?
:''[Chris pulls out his binoculars and squinted through them.]''
:'''Chris''': ''[gasps as he sees Playa Des Losers has exploded]'' MY COTTAGE!!!! ''[breaks down]''
:'''Courtney''': ''[Looks through the binoculars]'' You call that a cottage?! It was a mansion!
:''[Pan over to the damaged resort, Duncan running away from it]''
:'''Duncan''': ''[cackles like a maniac]'' Yeah, ''[stops and dances]'' WHOO-HOOO!!! Now who's gone soft? ''[Runs off-screen, laughing]''
:'''Chris''': So many pictures of me! Gone! All gone!
:'''Chef''': We'll build you another cottage.
:'''Courtney''': It was not a cottage!
:'''Chris''': ''[sighs and talks flatly and dejectedly]'' As winner of today's challenge, Alejandro gets immunity and a night at the spa hotel ...And, he can bring one person along with him... ''[everyone smiles hopeful at Alejandro]''
:'''Alejandro''': ''[smirking triumphantly]'' As much as I would love to bring you all ...I cannot play favorites and break all of your hearts. ''[everyone sighs, disappointed]''
:'''Chris''': ''[still flatly]'' As for the rest of you, time to hit the voting booth... ''[as everyone leaves, Mal walks up to Alejandro]''
:'''Mal''': ''[forcely perky]'' Hey, Alejandro! So, I was kinda wondering, since there aren't any teams anymore, um, maybe someday you and I could work together on a challenge ''[Alejandro raises a suspicious eyebrow]'', or something...? Uh, I mean, if you want? ...Maybe... ''[mimicks Mike’s awkward laugh]''
:'''Alejandro''': Hmmm... Intriguing and unexpected... ''[smirks]'' Just the way I like to play it. ''[grabs Mal’s hand and shakes it]'' Deal! I look forward to the day we work together.

----
:''[At the elimination ceremony, Duncan was arrested by the police and was eliminated from the game after destroying Chris' cottage.]''
:'''Chris''': ''[sighs]'' Good news... As a reward for making it to the merge, there will be no Boney Island for any of you tonight... ''[The contestants cheer; sounds whiney]'' Do you know how many statues of me were lost in that explosion? Five!
:'''Courtney''': Can we just get on with this ceremony already?
:'''Duncan''': ''[triumphantly]'' Told ya! Told ya I was a villain!
:'''Chris''': ''[sounding a bit like his old self]'' Before you vote for the first time as individuals, I have a special surprise for ''[glares at Duncan]'' Boom-boom over here.
:'''Duncan''': ''[sarcastically]'' Aww, Chris, you shouldn't have!
:''[Two cops walk up to Duncan, one putting his hand on Duncan’s shoulder]''
:'''Cop''': You're under arrest for the destruction of a private cottage.
:'''Courtney''': It was not a- ''[lets out an annoyed growl]''
:'''Gwen''': Way to go, bad boy! I hope looking cool is worth getting locked up again.
:'''Duncan''': It is! I'm gonna ''rule'' Juvie!
:'''Chris''': Juvie? Um, you destroyed a MAJOR piece of property. It's a big boy jail for you, bro! And it's gonna be a real slammer! ''[Chuckles]''
:'''Duncan''': ''[Now looks nervous as the cop grabs him by the wrist]'' Wait, it was an accident! ''[the cops start dragging him off]'' Come on guys, have a heart! I-I didn't know you weren't supposed to put a toaster in the microwave! Agh, snuggle-muffins!
:'''Chris''': ''[Back to his cheerful self]'' Ah, justice! It's voting time!

----
:'''Chris''': Well, I believe this is a first! The votes have been tallied, and it's unanimous! Tonight's Flush o' Shame recipient is... ''[turns the photos around, revealing Cameron X'ed off]'' Cameron!
:'''Cameron''': ''[shocked]'' WHAT?! How can it be unanimous? I didn't vote for myself!
:'''Zoey''': I didn't vote for him either!

----
:''[Exclusive clip: Duncan is in jail; He's writing a letter to his mother while in prison after destroying Chris' cottage.]''
:'''Duncan''': Dear ma, how are you? I am in jail because I blew up a resort and got kicked off of ''Total Drama All-Stars''. Some people. Jail isn't so bad except they don't let us go out much. On the upside, the food here is much much better. Happy birthday. Please send cake. Love your awesome son, Duncan. ''[After ending his letter, Duncan's cellmate grins menacingly at him]'' PS, please send a lawyer as fast as you can.

===Zeek and Ye Shall Find [5A.09]===
:'''Chris''': Hey, roomie! Since my house got destroyed it looks like I'll be staying here! Hey! It's no fun for me, either, huh. ''[takes off his towel and it gets tossed into Alejandro's face]'' I lost everything! ''[gets in the hot tub]'' Including my swim trunks!

----
:'''Scott''': Whoa! ''[he trips over a hole in the steps, and falls to the ground]''
:''[Courtney clears throat]''
:'''Scott''': ''[sniffs]'' I was just making sure I don't stink. Heh, and I don't. Seriously.
:'''Courtney''': ''[chuckles nervously]'' Let's pretend I just showed up now.
:'''Scott''': Cool. Oh, wait, don't! 
:''[Courtney grunts as she trips and falls into Scott, before she kissing him]''
:'''Courtney''': ''(confessional)'' ''[gasps]'' That was totally an accident. ''[squeals]''
:'''Scott''': ''(confessional)'' We kissed! Heh heh. I did stink a little.
:''[Scott then quickly makes a makeshift ring out of his shoelace]''
:'''Scott''': Uh, will you be my boyfriend? No, uh, my boyfriend. Ugh! Me yours. Uh, me boy. Just, will you go out with me?!
:'''Courtney''': Yes. ''(confessional)'' ''[holding the &quot;ring&quot;]'' My first ring. I'll keep it in my pocket. No way his shoelace goes up on my finger. Boys pee outside. In the dark. 

----
:'''Chris''': ''[on TV]'' Welcome to episode 100 of ''Total Drama''! To celebrate, I have an extra special 100th episode challenge. ''[laughs]'' I hope no one is allergic to rhinoceroses or fire or poison smallpox. ''[a feral Ezekiel pops up]''
:'''Gwen''': Is that?
:'''Chris''': You're a real formaldehyde-
:'''Everyone''': LOOK OUT!
:'''Zoey''': LOOK! LOOK!
:'''Chris''': Please, don't interrupt. I-
:''[a feral Ezekiel puts a bag on Chris' head and kidnaps him and shuts down the TV with his claws as Chef spits out his coffee on the TV screen as it drips on the keyboard, causing the other TVs to shut down]''

----
:'''Scott''': Ladies first. Or is that wrong, because this is dangerous? Or is that wrong because this is the 21st century? Or is it the 22nd?

----
:'''Chris''': ''[he is now tied up and his hair oddly floating upwards as he chuckles nervously]'' Hardy har, har, Chef, yep, you got me! ''[the camera rotates and zooms out, revealing that Chris is now dangling over a pit of toxic goo, a feral Ezekiel hunched over nearby]'' Chef? ''[a feral Ezekiel breathes heavily in a laugh-like way, rubbing his hands/claws together]'' Ezekiel? ''[laughs a bit]'' Hey, buddy! Looking good... ''[zoom in on a feral Ezekiel’s sharpened teeth as drool comes out]'' Quite the killer drool you got there, ''[the drool drips down onto the ground, sizzling as it eats through the rock. Chris gets more nervous]'' That's toxic waste exposure there... for yah... am I right? Um... ''[a feral Ezekiel growls]'' What's up, you upset with me, or something? ''[a feral Ezekiel makes inhuman noises and waves his arm like he’s trying to communicate]'' Um, I'm not very well versed in Freakezoidal interpretive dance... But I'll take that as a yes!

----
:'''Gwen''': ''(Confessional; Sitting in the fetal position, sideways, making several incoherent whimpering noises with her eyes wide in traumatized terror)''

----
:'''Chris''': ''[Laughs, as he speaks, Feral Ezekiel’s breathing becomes more and more ragged]'' Where's all this anger coming from? [[Total Drama World Tour|Was it season three, when I kicked you off the plane, made everyone hunt you down, and threw you in a volcano]]? Huh? [[Total Drama: Revenge of the Island|Was it last year, when I sealed you inside a mine filled with toxic waste]]? ''[Feral Ezekiel's growling angrily in grows louder]'' Ooh, was it this season? When I flew you back in just to boot you out again?
:''[Feral Ezekiel lets out a loud, cave-shaking roar in angrily]''
:'''Chris''': ''[Nervously]'' Nah... you wouldn't let a thing like worldwide televised humiliation come between us. Would you?
:''[Feral Ezekiel pulls out a box containing two rats as they squeak]''
:'''Chris''': ''[Falsely]'' Cute pets! ''[Cringes nervously]''

----
:'''Mal (Mike)''': ''[Notices Courtney and whispers to Cameron]'' This is your chance. Kiss her, do it, hurry!
:''[Mal (Mike) quickly shoves a shocked Cameron into Courtney's face, kissing her. Mal grins evilly and Scott growls as he sees this]''
:'''Scott''': Huh?
:'''Cameron''': Sorry! I mean, whoa! Why'd you kiss me? ''[Confessional]'' That was actually my first kiss. It feels like pressing your face against meat. But nice.
:'''Scott''': ''[He growls, then looks shocked at Courtney]'' Huh? You kissed him? Why?!
:'''Courtney''': I, what, are you...
:'''Scott''': Of all the...
:'''Courtney''': We fell!
:'''Scott''': You're so...
:'''Courtney''': Just listen...
:'''Scott''': This is just...
:'''Courtney''':...to me for a...
:'''Scott''': I can't believe...
:'''Mal (Mike)''': ''[Whispering to Cameron]'' Run. ''[The duo dash off]''
:''[Scott and Courtney don’t notice Ezekiel’s shadow falling over the two]''
:'''Scott''': I can't believe I ever liked the eyes inside your face.
:'''Courtney''': So now you don't?
:''[Offscreen; Feral Ezekiel pants]''
:'''Scott''': No, I don't think I...
:''[Feral Ezekiel roars, Scott and Courtney screaming in fear]''

----
:''[Cut to the cage where Zoey, Courtney and Scott waking up inside, rubbing their heads]''
:'''Zoey''': Thank goodness you guys are okay!
:'''Scott''': ''[Getting upset]'' Know what's not okay? ''[Turns to Courtney]'' That you kissed Cameron! And on our two hour anniversary! That's just cold.
:'''Courtney''': I'm telling you, he kissed me! 
:'''Scott''': ''[Stands up]'' That's not what I saw.
:'''Courtney''': Well, if you don't believe me, I don't want your dumb shoelace ring! ''[Tosses said ring into his hands]'' 
:'''Scott''': Good! 'Cause having one loose sneaker was making...Me...Crazy! 
:''[Zoey is now huddling in the corner in the fetal position]''
:'''Zoey''': ''[Confessional]'' The sad thing is, this  isn't the worst party I've ever been to.  

----
:'''Cameron''': I'll distract Zeke, you get Chris! ''[Gwen is about to say something, but Cameron interrupts]'' You saved my life; I owe you this! ''[runs out in the open]'' Yoohoo, lookie lookie! ''[waves his arms]'' I'm a big distraction! ''[a feral Ezekiel stops, and vomits out acidic goop at Cameron; but the goop misses]'' Ha, you missed! ''[the ceiling crumbles]'' Uh-oh... ''[rocks tumble down from the ceiling and crush him]''
:''[a feral Ezekiel hisses triumphantly, before the sound of a cannon reloading was heard]''
:'''Gwen''': ''[now holding the meatball gun]'' ''This'' is for Cameron! ''[shots at a feral Ezekiel and the others cheer as Chris falls down and rushes to the rock pile]'' Cameron!
:'''Chris''': ''[angered]'' Could have been a little gentler!!
:'''Gwen''': ''[digs through the rocks]'' Cameron!! ''[lifts up an injured Cameron]''
:'''Chris''': ''[runs up to Gwen, untied]'' Come on, we gotta get out of here before Zeke- ''[gasps, upon realizing that it's too late when Ezekiel disappears into thin air, Confessional]'' For the record, I would like to state that, I, Chris Mclean, am not afraid of that sad misunderstood freak show named Ezekiel. Sure, it looked like I was scared, but I was faking! I'd say that dramatic performance is worth at least 5 Gemmies!
:''[Mal growls like Feral Ezekiel outside the confessional]''
:'''Chris''': ''[He runs out from the confessional]'' Help!
:''[Mal evilly chuckles]''

----
:''[Cameron got eliminated after a feral Ezekiel crushed him by a rockslide in the mines during the challenge, making him unable to compete in the competition anymore due to severe injuries.]''
:'''Chris''': ''[At the elimination ceremony]'' Gwen wins our never to be repeated or spoken of again Challenge! She saved all of us. But, more importantly, she saved me. So, I'll honor the deal Chef made. The spa hotel is yours, Gwen. Who's heading for exile on Boney Island?
:'''Gwen''': Alejandro!
:'''Alejandro''': ''[sighs]'' First my boot and now this.
:'''Chris''': And as for who goes home, no vote is required. ''[Chef pushes Cameron who was bandaged and in a bubble]'' Cameron is too injured to continue. So, as my rules and my cruel streak dictate, he must be flushed.
:'''Zoey''': I'll miss you, Cam.
:'''Cameron''': ''[muffled]'' I’ll miss you too!
:'''Gwen''': You get better, okay?
:'''Cameron''': ''[muffled]'' Thanks, Gwen! Bye, Mike!
:'''Mal''': Oh, Mike's gone. I’m Mal. And I let you fall. So long, sucker. ''[snickers evilly]''
:''[Cameron muffled screams horrifyingly, Chef pops the bubble, and Cameron gets flushed down the Flush of Shame]''

===The Obsta-Kill Course [5.10]===
:'''Alejandro''': ''(Confessional)'' Chris is lucky I have a bigger problem to deal with. ''Mal!'' Good thing I have a DVD full of incriminating footage hidden in the hotel. When the time is right, bam! I'll expose that phony or my name is Alejandro Burrosmuertos.
:'''Chris''': ''(laughs)'' Tell them what your last name means! ''(laughs)''
:'''Alejandro''': It's a very respected name where I come from. Very respected!

----
:'''Mal''': Better watch your step, pal. Or is it Al?
:'''Alejandro''': Quite a warning coming from the guy who tampered with the votes.
:'''Mal''': So what? Who's gonna believe you, the most manipulative guy in Total Drama history?
:'''Alejandro''': True, I'm not known for being trustworthy. That's why I have procured a DVD full of evidence of you at your shiftiest. Your hours here are numbered, pal. Or should I say...''Mal''. ''(Mal threatens to break Alejandro's wrist)'' Wait! My people have a saying! ¡Burros muertos no hablan!
:'''Mal''': Dead donkeys don't talk?
:'''Chris''': ''(laughs)'' Alejandro &quot;dead donkey&quot;! ''(laughs)''

----
:'''Gwen''': ''(gapping)'' He let Cam fall? Wow, that's harsh, even by Alejandro's standards. ''(smiling)'' Count me in.
:'''Zoey''': ''(smiling)'' Awesome! Now we just have to survive this challenge. ''(puts a hand on Gwen's shoulder)'' At least it's not underground, right? ''(she and Gwen laugh)''
:''[The camera zooms back to Alejandro's perspective. Courtney glares suspiciously at Zoey and Gwen]'' 

----
:''[Zoey and Gwen laugh and then, Courtney came over glaring.]''
:'''Courtney''': You two better not be talking about me kissing Scott and Cameron!
:'''Gwen''': ''[Gasps]'' You kissed Cameron?!
:'''Courtney''': ''[Confessional; grinning sheepishly]'' Oops!

----
:'''Scott''': Courtney, I need to talk to you. Did you kiss Alejandro?
:'''Gwen''': Okay, I'm out of here!
:'''Courtney''': Yes, but it was years ago! You and I weren't going out, so it's okay!

----
:'''Scott''': My cousins and I would usually compete for who would stay on the clothes line the longest over a nest of fire ants.

----
:'''Chris''': But, everyone else wants Alejandro to surf the porcelain wave machine!
:'''Alejandro''': ''[Sighs]'' Man!
:'''Chris''': Gee. What a shame!

----
:''[Scott, Courtney, and Gwen run-up to the zip-lines]''
:'''Scott''': ''(to Chris)'' You didn't say we were going to NEED our packs.
:'''Courtney''': ''(glaring at Scott)'' You ditched your pack? 

----
:''[Alejandro got eliminated because Mal convinced the other contestants to vote him off when he knew his secret]''
:'''Alejandro''': This show just got 100% less beautiful! But I’m not the ''real'' villain, a greater evil is lurking!
:'''Chris''': ''[fake yawns]'' Boring! ''[presses the remote button and flushes Alejandro]''
:'''Alejandro''': ''[to Zoey while spinning around, getting flushed]'' The truth is in the art! It’s in the ''AAAARRRRRTTTTT!!!!''

----
:''[Exclusive clip: Alejandro's Flush of Shame in Alaska; lands in the Yukon where Heather was and begins to shiver due to the freezing temperature. Suddenly, Heather drives over to him in a snowmobile and steps out of the vehicle]''
:'''Alejandro''': ''[gasped; Heather slaps him on a face]'' I missed you.
:''[Heather smiles and the two drive off together as harmonic music plays in the background]''

===Sundae Muddy Sundae [5A.11]===
:'''Mal''': Where is it...? Where did Alejandro hide it?
:'''Zoey''': Mike? What happened?
:'''Mal (Mike)''': Um, oh, uh, hey Zoey. I was just helping to water the plants, and I dropped one. Against the wall. So... ''[chuckles nervously]'' 

----
:'''Courtney''': Are you still mad at me for all the kissing I did? Because like I said before, Scott was an accident and Cameron kissed me! 
:'''Gwen''': I'm not mad at you. I just hope your head is still in the game. 
:'''Courtney''': Don't worry. My head is totally in the game. 
:'''Gwen''': So you still wanna go all the way to the finale with me? 
:'''Courtney''': Gwen, I promise. It's you and me. Right to the end. ''[Confessional]'' Gwen is great, but if you ask me, winning is everything. This is the farthest I’ve ever made it on Total Drama, and I am going all the way! ''[Reaches behind her back, and pulls out what she was writing last night: a chart with crude colored pencil drawings of all the other contestants. She addresses the drawing of Scott with a rat’s tail, with a green check mark next to him]'' Scott is sweet on me, for obvious reasons, so I’m keeping him around to the end since he’ll probably let me win. ''[Addresses the drawing of Gwen with a big red X drawn through her, and with devil horns on her head]'' Which means Gwen goes second last. ''[Addresses the drawing of Zoey with a big red X drawn through her]'' And Zoey has to go, like, now. ''[Addresses the Mike drawing, surrounded in a red circle with a red X, and an arrow at the end pointing to a question mark]'' The only wild card is Mike, but I’m pretty sure I can crush him. ''(pleased exhale)'' Making a chart always helps clarify things nicely. 
:''[Confessional off]''
:'''Scott''': ''[Nervously]'' H-Hey, Courtney. You're looking really uh... goop! ''[Catches himself]'' Uh, good! ''[Chuckles nervously]'' I mean, you know, guice. ''[Catches himself again]'' Nice! ''[Grabs his head, groans]''
:'''Courtney''': ''[Looks awkward while Gwen snickers]'' Uh, thanks, Scott. 
:'''Scott''': Yeah, anytime. ''[Smirks cockily]'' And uh, hey, if you need help lifting anything, just let me know. ''[Stops and starts stretching, grunting. Flexes his muscles]'' Yeah, that's the stuff. Arms like a cheetah!  
:''[Gwen gags, Courtney snickers]''
:'''Courtney''': ''[whispered]'' I know, right? ''[She and Gwen chuckle]''
:'''Gwen''': ''[Confessional, giggles]'' This is great. Courtney and I are back to being friends. Sure, it's taken a while for her to trust me again, but it was worth it. 
:''[Confessional off]''
:'''Scott''': Hope you two got lots of sleep, 'cause I'm feeling as strong as an ox. 
:'''Mal (Mike)''': ''[Faking innocence]'' Don't you mean &quot;strong as a rat&quot;? 
:'''Scott''': ''[Confused]'' Heh?
:'''Mal (Mike)''': Oh, you haven't seen Courtney's chart! 
:''[Courtney gasped in shocked]''
:'''Scott''': Eh? What chart?
:'''Mal (Mike)''': ''[Pulls out Courtney's elimination chart to show contestants]'' This one. ''[he showed Courtney's elimination chart to everyone as they gasped in shocked, which he stole]'' Great plan, by the way. Not how I want it to go down, but still. 
:'''Gwen''': ''[Glares at Courtney]'' Second-last?! ''[She storms off]'' Right to the end, my butt. 
:'''Courtney''': ''[Defensively]'' I can explain!
:'''Scott''': ''[Angered]'' You gave me a TAIL?! Wow! ''[He storms off]''
:'''Courtney''': W-Wait!
:'''Gwen''': ''[Only looks back once]'' Oh, please, even you can't talk your way out of this one.
:'''Courtney''': ''[All alone, groans]'' Sensitive much.
:'''Gwen''': ''[Confessional, infuriated]'' Courtney was only ''pretending'' to be my friend?! Ugh! How did I not see that?! She's going down.
:'''Scott''': ''[Confessional, offended]'' A tail! And it's pointed, like a rat tail! I will never forgive her for this, NEVER! Not unless she really really wants me to.
:'''Courtney''': ''[Confessional]'' Thanks, Mike. But I am not getting flushed down the giant toilet! I mean, it sort of suits the others. But I am not a giant toilet swimming kind of girl. 

----
:'''Courtney''': ''[Confessional, excited about the challenge]'' Whoo! Yes! I know my sundaes. I worked at an ice cream shop for three weeks, then I got fired for flinging a scoop of raspberry swirl at a customer. But she started it with all her &quot;Excuse me, excuse me&quot;. I was on my break!

----
:'''Courtney''': ''[panting]'' Gwen! That chart meant nothing!   
:'''Gwen''': Ugh.
:'''Courtney''': Seriously. It was not serious. 
:'''Gwen''': Save your incredible bad breath, Chart-ney. From now on, it's every woman for herself.
:'''Courtney''': ''[Confessional; about Gwen is refusing apologize to her]'' Gah! Why can't Gwen just be impressed with my genius and go along with it?! Huh! No wonder she has such a hard time keeping friends. 
:''[Confessional off]''
:'''Zoey''': Mike, I have to know. Why did you expose Courtney in front of everyone like that? It was just so, you know, mean.
:'''Mal (Mike)''':  I did it for us! For you, really. I want you to win. But without Cam, we're outnumbered. Courtney, Gwen, and Scott, they're too powerful together. We have to break them up. And you're got to admit, she kinda had it coming. ''[chuckles]''
:'''Zoey''': ''[Confessional]'' It's not like Mike to enjoy someone else's misery, even if it is Courtney's. Hmm. When Alejandro was making that big goodbye speech, he said there was &quot;greater evil&quot; lurking. He also said &quot;the truth is in the ''art''&quot;. Man, typical Alejandro. Hot and infuriating right to the end.

----
:'''Courtney''': ''[Trying to be persuasive to Zoey]'' You know, you're as fit as me, practically. We should team up. 
:'''Zoey''': ''[Glares at Courtney]'' After what you did to Gwen? Sorry! 
:'''Mal (Mike)''': ''[slides past]'' All clear!
:'''Courtney''': Well, there goes YOUR only ally too!
:''[Meanwhile, Scott struggles to pull himself up from the edge of the cliff]''
:'''Scott''': ''(Grunting)'' First...place...! ''(Finally pulls himself up, where he’s wearing the bowl on his head)''
:'''Courtney''': ''(Off-screen; tauntingly)'' Hey, Scott! ''(Pan over to the ice cream snowman; Zoey and Courtney have their scoops already)'' See you later, in the giant toilet!! And you'll be the one in the toilet, not me! ''[She and Zoey run towards the cliff and slide down; she cackles boastfully. Meanwhile, the shaved bear pops up from the snow banks]''
:'''Scott''': ''(Growls in infuriated)'' Laugh it up!! But you’re gonna lose, Courtney!! ''(Starts running towards the ice cream snowman)'' I may be behind, but I’m as surefooted as a...''(Starts slipping on the ice again. The bear is licking the ice cream snowman, when Scott collides with the ice cream snowman; causing its head to fall on top of the bear’s head. The bear roars in anger, and Scott screams in fear)''

----
:'''Gwen''': ''[arriving at the swamp]'' Whoo! Stanky!
:'''Chris''': Gwen's first to the cherries! Will she keep her lead? Not if Snappy has anything to say about it!
:'''Gwen''': Snappy?!
:''[&quot;Snappy&quot; the crocodile, emerges from the water.]''

----
:''[Now Zoey is in the swamp; she walks towards the bowl until she suddenly sinks a bit and stops]''
:'''Zoey''': Ah! Oh, c'mon. ''(Groans and struggles)'' my foot is stuck. 
:''[Courtney floats by on a log, smiling smugly]''
:'''Courtney''': Aw, too bad. ''[Floats up to the cherries and grabs one]'' If we were a team, I'd totally help you. But... not in a million years! ''[Floats past again, Zoey struggles harder]'' Bye! 
:'''Zoey''': ''[Confessional]'' Maybe Courtney is the greater evil Alejandro was talking about. 
:'''Courtney''': ''[Confessional]'' I've got three kinds of ice cream and a cherry. Funny. All I can taste is victory!  

----
:'''Courtney''': ''(Desperately)'' Gwen! I... 
:'''Gwen''': ''(Stands up, annoyed)'' No time to chat!  
:'''Courtney''': Wait, I'm sorry! I never should've made that chart! I still want us to be a team, I still want us to be friends! Please don't vote me off. Vote for Zoey!  
:'''Gwen''': ''(sighs)'' Okay, I tell you what. I vote for Scott, and I'll try to convince Zoey to vote for him too. 
:'''Courtney''': ''(squeals in delight)'' Seriously? 
:'''Gwen''': I still want to be friends too. But to prove that I can trust you, you have to vote for yourself. ''(Walks away from Courtney)''
:'''Courtney''': ''(scoffs bitterly)'' Get real. You're just trying to make it unanimous.
:'''Gwen''': That's a chance you'll just have to take! ''(Runs off)''  
:'''Courtney''': But, ''(groans)''... fine. 

----
:'''Mal (Mike)''': You have to beat Gwen or else we're both on the chopping block. Hurry!
:'''Zoey''': Okay. But if I win, I promise we'll both go to the spa. ''(Kisses Mal on the cheek, which Mal “smiles” about, and heads towards the flower)''
:'''Mal''': ''(Smirking to himself, raises a small rock)'' Let's rock.
:''(Zoey runs past and collects some chocolate sauce while she runs as the flower continues to shoot flames)

----
:'''Scott''': ''[Picks up dirt and spreads it on his sundae]'' Dirt would've been my first choice as a topping back home. See you at the finish line! ''(he runs off)''  
:'''Courtney''': I can't use dirt. What would my former employer think? Ugh, it's totally burned up! ''[She reaches into the burnt up chocolate pool, scoops up some chocolate coals]'' Ugh, fine. Chocolate coals it is. ''[She puts the chocolate coals on to the sundae; it starts to melt]'' The coals are still warm! They're making my ice cream melt! ''[A bird passes over and vomits on Courtney’s sundae]'' Eww. ''(She then shrugs)'' Meh.

----
:'''Scott''': Run faster! I don't care who wins as long as it's not Courtney!  
:'''Courtney''': Ta-da! Shortcut! Ha ha ha, whoo! ''(Presents the sundae right in front of the interns)'' Eat it, interns!   
:'''Chris''': ''(Mischievously)'' Surprise! Change of plans. You have to eat your own sundaes.  First to finish wins immunity. Everyone else is on the chopping block. So, dig in. 
:''[Gwen, Zoey, Mal (as Mike), and Scott start to eat their sundae, except Courtney can't eat her sundae which had been covered in burnt chocolate coals and bird's vomit and she gags from the smell of the bird's vomit]''
:'''Courtney''': ''(In confessional; gags and swallows)'' I can't do it. I can't eat disgusting foods. I'm just not gross like the others.
:'''Gwen''': Ah, brain freeze!  
:''[Scott chuckles]''
:'''Gwen''': Easy to laugh when you have no brain to freeze. 
:'''Scott''': Pfft. You're just jealous 'cause I'm almost done. 
:'''Zoey''': ''(after she finish eating her sundae)'' Finish!
:'''Chris''': Boom! Just like that, Zoey wins the challenge and immunity! 
:'''Mal (Mike)''': Yes! 
:''[Gwen and Scott groans]''
:'''Courtney''': ''(Relieved)'' Phew, yes. 
:'''Scott''': You gonna eat that? 
:'''Courtney''': Here!
:'''Chris''': Not so fast. Everyone has to eat their own sundae, 'member? You won't get anything else to eat until you finish the sundae you thought was good enough to feed my interns. I wouldn't feed them that.  
:'''Courtney''': It's not my fault! Mike ruined the chocolate on purpose! ''(Zoey looks at Mal in surprise)''
:'''Chris''': But you're the one who put it in your sundae. 
:'''Courtney''': What was I supposed to do? Skip the chocolate sauce? 
:'''Chris''': Yes!
:'''Courtney''': Well, now I know for next time?

----
:''[Courtney got eliminated because Mal/Mike exposed her for writing an &quot;elimination list&quot;, causing the remaining contestants to lose trust in her. She was voted off in a 3-2 vote]'' 
:'''Courtney''': I know I was a bad friend, but please, please don't vote for me.
:'''Gwen''': I won't, as long as you vote for yourself. ''[Courtney groans]'' By the way, your sundae smells like the outhouse. ''[Courtney retches and pukes]'' Ha, guess she's not hungry.
:'''Chris''': Elimination time. Tonight, Zoey got immunity, and Scott and Courtney are on ice. Scott, you finished dead last and you're all out of allies. Courtney, back-stabbing your friends and trying to poison my interns? Really? It's time to vote.
:'''Scott''': ''[Confessional]'' After that chart, who can ever trust Courtney again? Anyway, I look nothing like that picture she drew or me. Mawmaw always says I'm as handsome as a mule! 
:'''Chris''': Alright, I tabulated the votes and tonight's loser with three votes to two is Courtney! ''[pan to Courtney in a giant toilet with her disgusting sundae]''
:'''Courtney''': You can't flush me yet! I'm still eating. ''[tries eating her disgusting sundae and she retches]''
:'''Chris''': That's the spirit! Never give up! ''[presses the flush button as Courtney gets flushed away as she screams]'' I know, we're all gonna miss her.
:''[contestants groans]''
:'''Scott''': Well, she wasn't all bad.
:'''Chris''': Congrats on making it to the final four. Zoey, the spa hotel is all yours, because from now on, winners can't take anyone along with them. 
:'''Zoey''': Oh no. Really? Sorry, Mike.
:'''Mal (Mike)''': No worries. You deserve it. ''[as himself as he groans]''

----
:''[Exclusive clip: Courtney's Flush of Shame; In the shore of a beach, and is now gasping for air while shark fins circle her]''
:'''Courtney''': ''[Sees the sharks and starts to panic]'' Uh...Uh...Uh oh. Oh no..!! ''[The sharks pop out and screams]'' You hungry? ''[Chuckles nervously and pulls out with her disgusting sundae]'' Here! Eat this!  ''[the sharks smell Courtney's sundae (which had been covered in burnt chocolate coals and bird's vomit) and gagged; she gasped and the sharks puke on her]'' NOOOO!!!!! NOT THE HAIR!!! ''[cries]''

===The Bold and the Booty-ful [5A.12]===
:'''Scott''': I can't believe Courtney's gone. Now who's gonna yell at me and make me do stuff I don't wanna do? 
:'''Mal (Mike)''': You two really had a good thing going. Until Gwen messed it all up. 
:'''Scott''': Yeah, she did, didn't she? 

----
:'''Zoey''': Strange.
:'''Chris''': I am so bored! I miss my cottage!
:'''Zoey''': You mean mansion? Anyway, I was trying to--
:'''Chris''': Did you know the soap here is made of soap? What am I, a peasant? And six-hundred thread count bed-sheets? It's like sleeping on sandpaper!
:'''Zoey''': Okay, I'd love to chat more, but uh, I-I'm about to have a bathroom emergency. The explosive kind.
:'''Chris''': Ugh! Way to overshare! 
:'''Zoey''': Phew. Okay, where was I? 
:''[tap]''
:'''Chris''': Oh. Alejandro did say look in the art. 

----
:'''Mal (Mike)''': So, did you sleep well?
:'''Zoey''': Not as well as you might think.
:'''Mal (Mike)''': Look, I know it's been tough for you to trust me this year, but I really am back in the driver's seat now! Have been since the boat race, and it's all thanks to you. I promise, I'm the same Mike who gave you that bracelet last year.
:'''Zoey''': Yeah, I wasn't sure who you were sometimes, but now I know. ''[confessional]'' Mike gave me a necklace, Mal. Not a bracelet, you weasel. 

----
:'''Chris''': Think fast and work even faster, because, two of you are going home today.
:''[The contestants gasped upon hearing this.]''
:'''Gwen''': I thought three of us were going to the finale.
:'''Chris''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah, no. Whoever comes back last, or worse, empty-handed, goes directly to the Flush of Shame. Whoever brings back their loot first wins a guaranteed spot in the finale and gets to select which of the remaining two walks the plank into the big john tonight. ''[pirate voice]'' All clear?! On your marks... ''[normal voice]'' Oh, just go.
:''[airhorn blares]''
:'''Scott''': Here, diamond, diamond...
:'''Chris''': ''[over loudspeaker]'' And Scott's first to reach his pirate loot zone! The heat is on! I hope my loud voice isn't getting Fang's attention! 
:'''Scott''': ''[hushed]'' Would you keep it down?
:'''Chris''': ''[over loudspeaker]'' They're called loudspeakers, bro! Deal with it! 

----
:'''Gwen''': One intact portrait coming up! How hard can it be? ''[gasps upon realizing the destroyed cottage]'' Why did I ask how hard could it be? ''[Confessional, infuriated]'' Thanks again, Duncan!
:'''Chris''': ''[over loudspeaker; sadly]'' And Gwen breeches my beloved cottage. Treat her gently, Gwen. Gently... 
:'''Gwen''': Yeah, yeah. Ooh, what's that? ''[grunts]'' 
:''[cracking]''
:'''Gwen''': Come on! 

----
:'''Zoey''': That's right. I got your dinner! Follow me! 

----
:'''Scott''': ''[Confessional, with a treasure chest on his head]'' Sharks are nothing like pigs!

----
:'''Gwen''': ''[panting]'' I'm here! I'm here! 
:'''Chris''': And Gwen is last to arrive, but she comes bearing loot. Unlike Scott. 
:''(Scott groans)''
:'''Chris''':  ''(Gwen shows the re-painting one of Chris's self-portraits when she made)'' Funny. I don't remember this one. 
:'''Gwen''': Yeah, uh, I had to do a little restoration work. 
:'''Chris''': ''[He smells the painting]'' Ugh! What's that earthy aroma?
:'''Gwen''': Oh. It's avant-garde, it's stylized. It's...it's... ''[sighs]'' It's bear poop.
:'''Chris''': ''[pukes on the painting]'' For showing up last and defacing my portrait, Gwen gets the flush!
:''[Zoey gasps]''
:'''Gwen''': ''[gasps]'' What?! No fair! Scott and Mike came back empty-handed!
:'''Chris''': True! But, they didn't make me do this! ''[pukes on the painting again]''
:'''Gwen''': ''[sighs in defeat]'' Fine!

----
:''[Chris eliminated Gwen from despite bringing back treasure, unlike Scott and Mal, he deemed her as the loser because she defaced a painting of him with bear poop. Zoey won immunity, and was able to pick who to bring to the finale with her, and she chose Mal over Scott due to the promise she made for a &quot;friendship finale&quot;]''
:'''Gwen''': ''[As she was in the Flush of Shame]'' Good luck, Zoey! I really hope you win!
:'''Zoey''': Aww, Thanks! Next time, I hope we're on the same team!
:'''Gwen''': Next time?! Oh no! No way am I ever coming back to this dump! ''[screams as she gets flushed]''
:'''Chris''': Who to flush next? It all comes down to who you wanna battle in the finale. Scott or Mike.
:'''Zoey''': ''[Confessional]'' I wanna bring Mike to the finale. Not Mal. But, if I ditch Mal now. Mike could be lost forever. Ugh. Love. Pfft. Seriously! ''[end confessional]'' I promised to have a friendship finale. But, things had seriously changed since then. ''[Chris yawns]'' But, I'm a girl of my word. So, sorry Scott.
:'''Scott''': Oh. ''[gets in the Flush of Shame]'' You're making a mistake. Mike's a total scammer. You don't know what you're in for.
:'''Zoey''': Thanks, Scott! But, I know ''exactly'' what I'm up against and ''who''.
:''[Mal looks suspicious and Chris pushes Scott in the toilet and flushes him]''

===The Final Wreck-Ening [5A.13]===
:''[Mike and Zoey both become finalists of the season]''
:'''Chris''': ''(over loudspeaker)'' Good morning, finalists. Meet me in the forest clearing and get ready to diet! Sorry, typo. Ready to die!
:'''Mal (Mike)''': Thanks again for bringing me to the finale. I know things have been--
:'''Zoey''': I didn't do it for you. I did it for Mike. And you can drop the act.
:'''Mal''': Oh, what a relief. Pretending to be that boring was really getting to me. What did you see in him?
:'''Zoey''': I'll take boring Mike over evil Mal any day. 
:'''Mal''': Oh, Zoey. Don't you get it yet? There’s no longer a choice. ''[whispers into Zoey’s ear]'' Mike is ''gone''. And he’s ''never'' coming back. ''[evil laughter]''
:'''Zoey''': ''[Confessional]'' Is Mike ''really'' never coming back? No, that’s just what Mal wants me to believe. I hope.

----
:''[Owen shows up and makes his last appearance in the show]''
:'''Chris''': Now that you've got your weapons, you'll need them to pop these balloons. ''[Addresses the 12 giant orange balloons floating in the sky, each one has a familiar looking shape shown in the middle]'' Each one contains a previously-flushed all-star. 
:'''Zoey''': Seriously? Can they breathe in there? 
:'''Chris''': I don't know. Ask our classic competitor Owen. He filled them. 
:'''Owen''': Thanks, Chris, these double deep fried beans really do the trick, ''[chuckles]'' watch! ''[he grunts, as a balloon starts inflating behind him and Chris cringes as a large popping sound is heard]'' …mommy.
:'''Chris''': You have 30 seconds. Any all-star you shoot down becomes your helper. And... go! ''[airhorn blows]'' 

----
:'''Chris''': Zoey picked up Cameron and Gwen! Mike, you might wanna start trying.
:'''Mal''': It's Mal. Zoey, why don't you take a break?

----
:'''Chris''': Time's up! Oh, intern. Go collect the helpers, please. ''[The intern walks over to the remaining balloons and raises his pole to bring down the balloons. Suddenly a strong wind blows in, blowing the 8 remaining balloons far away from the island; the screams of Lindsay, Lightning, Jo, Sam, Sierra, Duncan, Courtney, and Scott are heard as the balloons float away]'' Ooh, yeah. Probably should've tied them down. ''[His cell phone rings, he picks it up and looks]'' Huh. It's the lawyers. ''[Stuffs the phone in his back pocket]'' I'm gonna let it go to voicemail. Okay! Let's go!

----
:'''Chris''': ''[through megaphone]'' Heather, can you hear me?!
:'''Heather''': Yes, Chris! I hear you. Alejandro and I are fine with the rules.
:'''Chris''': ''[gasped]'' Oh, no! Are you two... &lt;big&gt;DATING?!&lt;/big&gt;

----
:'''Gwen''': Hey! He's not Mike. Remember that or he'll introduce you to a pool of lava.
:'''Zoey''': Okay, right, I know that. I do.
:'''Heather''': How do we get across?
:'''Mal''': I'm not here to help you. You're here to help me. Figure it out.
:'''Alejandro''': Such bigger anger for a little man.
:'''Chris''': ''[through megaphone]'' Welcome to level two. All tied, no one's died. Yawn. Let's go, people!  

----
:'''Mal''': Huh? ''[camera zooms out revealing his tower has disappeared]'' Impossible. Where’s my tower?
:'''Mike''': It’s gone, Mal. It’s gone for ''good''.

----
:'''Mal''': ''[His final words; angrily]'' No. NO! It’s MY time!! '''MINE!!!!!'''

----
:'''Zoey''': ''[screams]'' Mike... is it really you? Like, really really?
:'''Mike''': From now on, I'm all Mike. All the time.
:'''Zoey''': ''(Confessional)'' I wanna believe him, but can I? Can I?
:'''Mike''': Hey, where's the necklace I gave you? 

----
:'''Gwen''': ''(Confessional)'' I’ve been waiting to do that for four seasons! ''(laughs)''

----
:''[Mike's ending]''
:'''Chris''': Ooh, some impressive maneuvers from both Mike and Zoey. And unimpressive shooting from Chef. Gah!
:'''Zoey''': Don't say that, Chris! I'm sure Chef is trying his best! 
:'''Chef''': Aw, thank you, sweetie. At least somebody appreciates me.
:'''Mike''': ''[grunts]'' Yeah! ''[laughs]'' I did it! Woo-hoo-hoo! 
:'''Chris''': Mike wins a million dollars!
:'''Zoey''': Oh Mike! I'm so proud of you!
:''[Mike is hit in the face by Chef's spaghetti]''
:'''Chef''': I was just cleaning it and it went off.
:'''Gwen''': Way to go Mike!
:'''Cameron''': Great to have you back buddy.

----
:''[Zoey's ending]''
:'''Chris''': Ooh, some impressive maneuvers from both Mike and Zoey. And unimpressive shooting from Chef. Gah!
:'''Mike''': I'll say! You couldn't hit the blind side of a-- whoa! ''[grunting]'' Ah! Oh!
:'''Zoey''': ''[grunts]'' Yes! Woohoo! 
:'''Chris''': Zoey wins a million dollars!
:'''Mike''': Alright Zoey, way to- ''[gets food thrown in the face]''
:'''Chef''': I was just cleaning it and it went off.
:'''Gwen''': Way to go Zoey!
:'''Cameron''': You deserved it, nice win!

----
:'''Chris''': ''[sighs as his phone rings]'' It's the network! ''[Answers the phone]'' Yes! Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Okay, done! ''[Ends the call]'' They're so happy that they want to go straight to a new season with an all new cast! ''[Suddenly, the ground shook]'' Um. What's going on?!
:'''Cameron''': Chef! What did you use to make these moats?
:'''Chef''': A fracking machine!
:'''Gwen''': Whoa! You can't say that on TV!
:'''Cameron''': A fracking machine is a hydraulic drill. You can't use it on an island this small. It's dangerous!
:'''Chris''': Why? What?! What could happen?
:''[Suddenly, water spouts out]''
:'''Cameron''': ''[panicking]'' The island is SINKING!!
:''[Cut to the dock, where the Saskatchewan walks towards the Flush of Shame, holding a newspaper and whistling. Suddenly, water comes gushing out of the toilet; pretty soon water is gushing out of the Confessional, the mine, even the rocks and trees from the ground. The animals all run for their lives, excluding one squirrel who holds up a sign with a picture of a broken earth, cackling insanely. Water bursts out of the mess hall, the interns floating on one table. The butler plays a violin on the spa hotel patio, as water washes over it. Finally, pan out to the whole island, as it sinks straight into the ocean. Miscellaneous objects float away; Chef just sips his coffee cup as he floats on a rubber duck. Heather and Alejandro pop up from underwater]''
:'''Heather''': Cheated out of a million bucks, AGAIN! I hate this show!
:'''Alejandro''': But, we have the greatest consolation prize of all... each other.
:'''Heather''': Great. JUST great. ''[Fang pops up as well; the two swim off as Fang chases them]''
:'''Mike''': We should do this again sometime.
:'''Zoey, Cameron and Gwen''': No!
:'''Chris''': Well, that's it for our very first All-Star season. But don't worry, we're coming back with a brand new cast! And I guess a brand new island too. ''[chuckles]'' Until next time. I'm Chris McLean, and this has been... Total... Drama... All-Stars!
:'''Owen''': ''[His last appearance; last lines during his water skiing ride]'' Look, mom! I'm water skiing! ''[yells and wipeouts and lands in the water as he laughs]'' That was awesome!

----
:''[last exclusive clip: Post-finale clip]''
:'''Mike''': I know what you're thinking. Am I gonna miss talking to all my other personalities? Maybe. Then again? Maybe not.
:''[Zoey giggles at this, just then, we see Fang still chasing Alejandro and Heather, Fang then gets a bib napkin and puts it on, and he continues to chase them when they go back to their old habits]''

==Total Drama Pahkitew Island==

===So, Uh, This Is My Team [5B.1]===
:'''Chris''': Welcome, Total Drama fans! Put on some clean undies, cuz, things are about to get wild! ''[Laughs]'' 14 spanking fresh contestants and a totally brand new location; ''[Pans out to reveal the new Island]'' A Cree island located in western Canada. ''[Cuts to the scene where Camp Wawanakwa sank in the All-Stars finale]'' As you might recall, during our heroes vs. villains finale, someone, and I prefer to remain nameless, accidentally destroyed our old island. ''[Cuts back to the new island]'' So this is where we landed!  No shacks, no showers, no hotels, no hot tubs. The only things we managed to save were the outhouse confessional and all the horrible butt smells that live in it. ''[An intern comes out gasping for breath and faints]'' It'll be the roughest roughing it, that's ever been roughed on Total Drama. So, buckle up! This is ''Total Drama Pahkitew Island''.

----
:''[A zeppelin flying across the sky is carrying the 14 new final contestants. Inside the zeppelin, Ella is humming to herself while Sky takes out a piece of gum before turning to Max.]''
:'''Sky''': Want some gum?
:'''Max''': You’re offering of simple confectionery will not save you ''[devious look]'' from the pure evil of me! ''[normal look]'' But yes, thank you. ''[He takes the gum and chews it before choking and coughing it out.  He gasps.]'' Cinnamon; there is no need for you to be that spicy.
:''[cuts to Dave]''
:'''Dave''': ''[chuckles]'' That guy's a little ''[hears Leonard making a noise and waving a stick behind him]'' weird.
:'''Leonard''': “EXPERIENCE!”  I know many spells to ward off evil.
:'''Dave''': Um?
:'''Ella''': ''[places her hand under Dave’s chin]'' And there's nothing that can't be made sweeter with a song! ''[she starts to sing and dance like a ballerina away as Beardo begins to beat box]''
:'''Beardo''': ''[beat box sounds]'' Song!
:'''Amy''': ''[disgusted]'' Switch seats with me, right now! ''[she and her sister Samey switch seats and suddenly notices Jasmine and is terrified]'' GIANT!
:'''Jasmine''': Are you and I going to have a problem?
:'''Amy''': ''[tugging on Sammy’s shirt]'' Switch back, NOW!
:''[Topher runs passed them; looking for Chris]''
:'''Topher''': Chris! I don't get it. Chris? ''[he then runs passed Sugar and Scarlett]'' Chris has gotta be here someone  ''[looks at Sugar]'' Anyone seen Chris? You seen Chris? ''[Sugar grab him and pushes him against the exit door]''
:'''Sugar''': Stop your fidgeting! You scuff my pageant shoes and I’ll toss you out the window!  You’ll be squished flat in 2 minutes.
:'''Scarlett''': ''[correcting Sugar]'' Actually in the first 14 seconds he would fall 1800ft. Then he would reach terminal velocity and drop 176ft per second.  So if we’re flying at the recommended height at 32000ft, he would hit the ground in 3 minutes and 6 seconds.
:''[Pans over to Rodney and Shawn]''
:'''Rodney''': Wow, that girl has some real brains, huh?
:'''Shawn''': ''[terrified; covers his head]'' Brains? Whose brains? No one is getting my brains!

----
:''[Chris and Chef arrive at Pahkitew Island and get ready to meet with the new final contestants]'' 
:'''Chris''': Welcome to Pahkitew Island!  On my left, those that had actual parachutes; Scarlett, Topher, Rodney, Jasmine, Max, Amy, and Samey.
:'''Samey''': Um, it’s Sammy.
:'''Chris''': Amy says that everyone calls you Samey.
:'''Samey''': Well yeah but that…
:'''Chris''': Because you’re the second twin, the lesser Amy. If you will.
:'''Samey''': But my real name is…
:'''Chris''': YOU'RE OFFICIALLY SAMEY!
:'''Samey''': ''[during her first confessional]'' This is unfair. I auditioned for Total Drama to get away from Amy.
:'''Chris''': Your team is called “Pimapotew Kinosewak; Which is the Cree meaning for the “Soaring Eagles”.
:''[an icon of a soaring eagle appears]''
:'''Sky''': No sorry, wrong, it means the “Floating Salmon”.
:'''Chris''': Oh, then I guess you’re the floating salmon. ''[an icon of a floating salmon falls and knocks away the soaring eagle icon]'' Those without shoots; Shawn, Leonard, Ella, Dave, Beardo, Sky, and Sugar. Your team is called “Waneyihtam Maskwak”; which in Cree means “Ferocious Tigers”.
:'''Sky''': ''[interrupts]'' The “Confused Bears”.
:''[an icon of a bear with a question mark appears]''
:'''Chris''': ''[rips up the note and talks to Chef]'' That’s what you get for using a free online translator.
:'''Chef''': My bad.
:'''Chris''': Any who, since there is no place for all to sleep tonight, we figure your first challenge will be to build your own shelters.
:''[Sugar mumbles and she sits on a rock. Beardo makes a fart noise as Sugar is embarrassed]''
:'''Sugar''': Oh, that was not me. A lady never farts. Unless it is her natural talent for a pageant and…
:'''Chris''': ''[whistles, interrupts]'' HEY FART MONSTER! ''[pans over to a giant pile of junk. Chris is on top.]'' I WAS TALKING! ''[everyone walks up to the pile]'' Each team must take supplies from the common area before they began to build it. But these supplies are guarded by Chef! Armed with a powerful tennis ball blaster. ''[jumps to the ground]'' A glancing glow can sting.
:''[Chef fires a tennis ball and hits Dave in the head]''
:'''Dave''': Ow! ''[Sky gasps]'' That only hurt a little.
:'''Chris''': And a direct hit can take you right to the ground. ''[Chef fires another tennis ball. It hits Max in the stomach; knocking him to the ground holding his stomach in pain.]'' Will someone help this little boy to his feet? ''[Topher picks up but he accidentally drops him]'' Oh good enough. On with the challenge, Team Maskwak will build their shelter further inland; Team Kinosewak, towards the beach. Best shelter according to me wins the challenge. Begin! ''[blows horns]''

----
:'''Rodney''': ''[during his first confessional]'' On the farm, it's just me, my dad, and my five little brothers. I'm kind of used to being in charge. We'll do it her way. It's never wrong to let love be your guide.

----
:'''Jasmine''': ''[during her first confessional]'' It's always the big guys; they're intimidated by me; small guys, too, and most girls. I intimidate people.

----
:'''Shawn''': ''[during his first confessional]'' In my mind, I'm always running from zombies, and if you're not, you're crazy. Anyway, I grabbed some soup. Cream of broccoli? Aw—!

----
:'''Topher''': ''[during his first confessional]'' I'll bring my face!

----
:'''Ella''': ''[during her first confessional]'' I was a huge fan of ''Total Drama World Tour'', and just because we don't have to sing anymore doesn't mean we can't sing.

----
:'''Max''': ''[during his first confessional]'' It was very dark in there. I prefer something less spooky, not to worry, no rush, plenty of time to evil!

----
:''[Beardo becomes the last first new contestant to be eliminated because his unique ability to mimic any sound annoyed his team too much.]''
:'''Chris''': Beardo, it's time for you to go home and this seasons mode of transportation is very fitting because Pahkitew is the Cree meaning for “Explosive”. ''[Looks at Sky]'' Am I right? ''[Sky nods]'' Good, so this seasons mode of transport is sure to go off with a bang. ''[cuts to him at the Cannon of Shame]'' Further ado, I give you the cannon pummel of embashment the Kablam of chargin this season's humiliating way home, the Cannon of Shame. ''[Beardo pops his head out from the cannon]'' Any last words? So long, Beardo. ''[he's about to push the firing button before Beardo makes an exploding sound. Chris is annoyed]'' Enough already! ''[he fires Beardo out]''
:'''Beardo''': It was really nice meeting all of youuuuuuuuuuu!

===I Love You, Grease Pig! [5B.2]===
:'''Amy''': ''(Confessional)'' After I was born, Mommy and I had to wait seventeen minutes for Samey to come out. Ugh, can you imagine? If I could have walked, I would have left without her!

----
:''[Leonard got eliminated because his constant attempts to use &quot;magic&quot; cost his team the challenge.]''
:'''Leonard''': ''[As he was in the Cannon of Shame]'' Aww, nuts!
:'''Chris''': Check this out, Chef! I'm going to show you a magic trick of my own. Watch in amazement as I make this contestant disappear!

===Twinning Isn't Everything [5B.3]===
:'''Chris''': Did I hear singing, again?
:'''Sugar''': Yes! On account of her sing-song, she got us hit with balloons filled with mustard, relish and...some third thing I can't identify.
:'''Ella''': If my singing was the cause of that, then I-
:'''Chris''': Okay, as long as the singing caused you pain, Ella, I'm happy!

----
:'''Samey''': (''Confessional'') Whenever I have something Amy wants, she just takes it! Always, always, always! Huh...always...

----
:''[Samey was the contestant with the most votes. However, Amy had a reaction to a poisonous apple that Samey gave her, which prevented her from being able to speak. Samey then takes Amy's identity and uses this as a way to stay in the competition. It is because of this that Chris accidentally eliminates Amy under the impression that she is Samey.]''
:'''Chris''': All right, players. Those of you holding a marshmallow are safe. For now. ''[chuckles]'' Amy, Samey, one of you is going home tonight. Amy, you seem more concerned with bossing Samey around than with helping your team. And Samey, it was your balloon that cost your team this challenge. The sister heading home is...
:''[Amy chokes]''
:'''Samey''': Oh, ignore her. She's just trying to get sympathy. Aren't you, Samey?
:'''Amy''' ''[cheeks puffed]'' Wha? Ah! ''[garbled speech]''
:'''Chris''': Can't understand what you're saying Samey, and it really doesn't matter. 'Cause, you've been voted off!
:''[Amy screams in horror]''
:'''Samey''': Bye Samey! Have a nice flight!
:'''Chris''': I wish I can understand. It sounds really important. ''[shoots Amy off the island]''

===I Love You, I Love You Knots [5B.4]===
:'''Samey''': Hey, you're going foraging without me?
:'''Jasmine''': Gee, ''Amy'', you've never gone foraging with me before. That was something ''Samey'' did, ie: not you.
:'''Samey''': Right! I mean...foraging, ew! I'd rather wear those shorts.
:'''Jasmine''': There's the Amy I know! Come on, then!

----
:''[Rodney got eliminated because he had difficulty telling the truth about his feelings, getting his team electrocuted repeatedly, and ultimately lost the tiebreaker challenge when he taunted Clucky.]''
:'''Rodney''': ''[in the cannon]'' I'm not surprised that I'm the one leaving. After playing with people's hearts the way I did?
:'''Chris''': If you mean by restarting them several times, then yes.
:'''Rodney''': But since I'm leaving, I may as well come clean. Jasmine, Scarlett, Amy, please understand. ''[inhales]'' This that you, I, I mean it's... there's love and... and raccoon poop, and &quot;hey&quot;. With all the shocking and &quot;bugawk!&quot; Because chicken, I love girl Island! Three! Uh-oh. Yeah! 
:'''Chris''': Hold that thought! ''[Rodney blasted off in the air and then, lands in an oncoming battleship, and Chris looks through his binoculars.]'' I think I just saw someone's battleship.

===A Blast From the Past [5B.5]===
:'''Sky''': ''[realizes that Shawn is missing]'' Um? Where's Shawn?
:'''Shawn''': ''[confessional]'' I should have woken Jasmine but waking her would have alerted the zombie horde and put us both in danger but mostly me but her to self-preservation comes first. I'm ready, I've trained for this. ''[cut to him hiding in the woods]'' You want to fool the dead? You gotta smell the dead. Oh yeah, my brain is working just fine. ''[splashes a disgusting fish on his head]''
:'''Chris''': He's probably lost in the woods, you know how this island could get? Go find him, would ya? ''[he leaves as Chef drives his boat]''

----
:'''Sky''': ''[to Dave]'' My sister is my role model, meaning that we're close.

----
:'''Samey''': My mom doesn't like Amy.

----
:'''Shawn''': ''[confessional]'' Smell like a zombie, move like a zombie. Zombies think you're zombie. My plan, set up a home base behind the waterfall. Search for Jasmine if she's not a zombie I'll ask her on a date.
:''[Shawn is at the woods acting like a zombie]''
:'''Chef''': GOTCHA!
:'''Shawn''': Zombie Chef!
:'''Chef''': ''[chases Shawn and jumps on him]'' Where you've been hiding? In the dumpster?
:'''Shawn''': Chef! You're you! God! Listen! Zombie apocalypse, here, we can hide behind that waterfall. What? The waterfall, it's gone!
:'''Chef''': You must be hallucinating from the stink! ''[puts Shawn in the truck]'' 

----
:''[Shawn returns to the game after Chef found him hiding in the woods]''
:'''Chris''': ''[singing]'' Pretending that didn't happen. ''[normal voice]'' Shawn is back and looking crazy! 
:'''Sky''': Are you out of your-- ugh! What are you doing?
:'''Shawn''': Just checking for bites! Got a bite mark? Did you get bit a bit?
:'''Sugar''': ''[sniffs]'' Ooh! Smells like a skunk's armpit all of a sudden.
:'''Dave''': Where have you been?
:'''Shawn''': Hiding from the horde. Just like you guys on these docks! Duh! ''[Dave retches]''
:'''Chris''': Team Kinosewak is one dueling stick away from a win! Maskwaks! Get Shawn in the game or he's gone! 
:'''Shawn''': Game? Pfft, this ain't no game, crazy man! It's life or death! 
:'''Dave''': Shh. Here are the rules, Shawn. You gotta run across, grab a stick, then run back and knock the other team's zombie off the beam.
:'''Shawn''': They're here already? I knew it! ''[confessional]'' Jasmine's a zombie. I should've helped her. I messed up! But I can't change that now. And, ''[sniffles]'' I know what I have to do.
:'''Jasmine''': It would win the game for my team right now, but that means Shawn gets eliminated.

----
:''[Amy screams and returns to the game after her elimination as a sea monster]''
:'''Samey''': ''[gasps]'' Amy?
:'''Amy''': ''[angrily]'' Samey!
:'''Chris''': Uh, what-y?
:'''Jasmine''': Ooh, this is bad.
:'''Dave''': ''[confessional]'' Well, either Amy is back or Samey never left. No wait, that's not right.
:'''Sky''': ''[confessional]'' Did Amy just call Samey, Amy? Or was Amy calling Samey... and oh, what was Ella doing touching Dave's arm?
:'''Scarlett''': ''[confessional]'' Samey's been pretending to be Amy the whole time. I thought we all knew that.
:'''Amy''': You'll pay for this, Samey!
:'''Samey''': Like the way you always make me pay when we go to the movies?
:'''Amy''': You're lucky I let you sit behind me!
:'''Samey''': You're lucky I don't tell everyone you still suck your thumb!
:'''Amy and Samey''': You're the worst sister ever!
:'''Chris''': ''[through megaphone]'' Team Maskwak wins! 
:'''Amy''': Huh?
:'''Sammy''': What?
:''[Sugar, Dave, Ella, and Sky cheer. Then, Amy and Samey scream and both jump in the water together.]''
:'''Chris''': Nothing like a sentimental family reunion to get me all choked up.

----
:'''Shawn''': ''[Confessional]'' I think I've just made a big mistake.
:'''Jasmine''': ''[Confessional]'' I think I've just made a big mistake!

----
:''[Due to Amy's surprise return and their subsequent fighting, Samey ended up losing the challenge for her team. To prevent anymore complications, Chris eliminated both of them.]''
:'''Chris''': Now, one of you gots to go. ''[gives marshmallows to Max, Topher and Scarlett]'' Max, Topher and Scarlett. You’re safe! Jasmine, you had a chance to win it for your team, but, you let your emotions clouded your mind and stopped your intimidating physique from doing it’s job.
:'''Jasmine''': ''[sighs]'' Let’s get this over with.
:'''Chris''': Hopefully, you’ll learn from the mistakes. ''[Gives her a marshmallow]'' You’re safe!
:'''All''': What?!
:'''Shawn''': ''[watching from the top of a tree]'' Phew. She’s safe!
:'''Chris''': Which means...
:'''Samey''': That means Samey as in her, has to go again. Right?
:'''Amy''': Ugh. I’m Amy! Who could anyone think that was me. Samey’s a bowl of mush and I’m a parfait which is German for perfect.
:'''Samey''': So, what’s German for bossy blonde cow? ''[Amy tackles her and the sisters fight]''
:'''Chris''': Sheesh! Which is polite or shut it. I do not care who’s who. Know why? Because, this time, you’re both going into the cannon.
:''[Amy And Sammy stopped fighting and gasped upon hearing this. Scene dissolves to Amy and Samey in the Cannon of Shame.]''
:'''Amy''': No.
:'''Samey''': Why me?
:'''Amy''': Why me?
:'''Samey''': I'm the nice one.
:'''Amy''': She cheated.
:'''Chris''': And to make it fair, maybe Samey should come out first this time! ''[blasts Amy and Samey off the island]'' So nice to see family traveling together!

===Mo Monkey, Mo Problems [5B.6]===
:'''Topher''': (''On Chris' cellphone to the producers'') How old is your host Chris McLean, sixty or sixty-five? Really? Guess those were hard years.

----
:'''Scarlett''': (''Confessional'') The plan was for Max to be the only one not in the trap, so that the team would know he built it and vote him off. Now I need to find a clever way to make him admit it. This won't be easy...
:'''Jasmine''': I bet Sky made this trap!
:'''Max''': Ha ha! Wrong, fools! It was I! Me!
:'''Scarlett''': (''Confessional'') Much easier than I thought.

----
:''[Max had the most votes. However, Chris disqualified Ella after he found out that she was caught singing by Sugar, which is something Chris refused to allow. Sugar did so by giving Chris an anonymous note]''
:'''Max''': What? Revenge! You shall regret ever having met me, Chris McLean! 
:'''Chris''': Little late for that.
:'''Max''': The pain I will inflict on you will--
:'''Chris''': But... Max is not going home tonight.
:'''Max''': Huh. Fear got the better of you.
:'''Chris''': It has come to my attention that a certain singer has sung her swan song. Sorry, Ella. I recieved an anonymous note about it. Actually, it was an &quot;ugh-nonymous&quot; note. But, whatever. You're going home.
:'''Ella''': Aw...
:'''Sugar''': ''[confessional]'' Yeah. So I spelled &quot;ugh-nanymous&quot; wrong. Who cares? Ella is G-A-W-N gone! 
:'''Ella''': So long, everyone. I enjoyed our time together. Don't be sad, Sugar. Be happy.
:'''Sugar''': Okay! I'll try! ''[chuckles]''
:'''Ella''': At least now, I am free to sing whenever I want. Which is always!

----
:'''Chris''': ''[after Ella is disqualified]'' And that's enough of that!

===This Is The Pits! [5B.7]===
:'''Chris''': I shot her! With a cannon off the island.

----
:'''Sugar''': Them two being lovey-dovey only means one thing - an alliance! We gotta keep them apart, or else it's game over for one of us.
:'''Shawn''': Probably you.
:'''Sugar''': Or we could form an alliance of our own.
:'''Shawn''': (''Confessional'') There's no nice way to say this...I'D RATHER BE EATEN BY A ZOMBIE!

----
:'''Scarlett''': (''Confessional'') As a revenge for pulling my hair, I made my brother's RC toys come to life and scare him every night for six years.

----
:'''Max''': ''[to Sky]'' You're in my seat. Gone with you!
:''[Sky gets up and joins the Kinosewak team]''

===Three Zones and a Baby [5B.8]===
:'''Topher''': Chris's mom had apparently sent him a picture of a cat to his phone.

----
:'''Sugar''': Sometime in the past, I lost my brother during a visit to town.

----
:''[Topher got voted off because he was tricked into thinking that he would become the new host of the show. However, Chris reveals that it was all a prank, and Topher was instead eliminated from the competition]''
:'''Chris''': ''[as Topher was in the Cannon of Shame, clueless]'' You've got a lot to learn, kid! ''[laughs]'' Later! ''[Topher is blasted off in the air]'' Good riddance!

===Hurl and Go Seek [5B.9]===
:'''Chris''': Everyone! Grab some chunks!
:'''Chef''': ''[whispers]'' This stuff expired in 1976!

----
:'''Sky''': ''[starts getting infuriated]'' Ugh! You were never my boyfriend and you will never be my boyfriend and you have no shot of beating or dating me! Got it?!

----
:'''Dave''': Please let me be your boyfriend?
:'''Sky''': ''[starts getting infuriated]'' Ugh! I need you to hear this! No!
:'''Dave''': But...
:'''Sky''': No more buts! Just no! ''[starts walking away]'' Bye, Dave! ''[Confessional, clutching to her stomach]'' I think the stress of telling Dave to leave me alone is giving me an ulcer! I'm just gonna double back to my hiding spot and wait it out until sunrise!

----
:''[Shawn was able to rescue Jasmine, not refusing to make the same mistake again]''
:'''Shawn''': ''[swings in]'' Jasmine! I'm coming to save you!

----
:''[Due to Dave getting rejected by Sky, he eliminated himself from the competition.]''
:'''Chris''': Any final words he'd ask, as if, there might be one last desperate attempt to capture love.
:'''Dave''': Sky! If you don't win and feel like getting in touch. ''[notices that Sky isn't here to bid him farewell]'' Fire!
:''[Chris activates the Cannon and Dave got blasted off the island]''
:'''Sky''': Dave! Wait, I... ''[sighs as she was too late]''

===Scarlett Fever [5B.10]===

:''[Scarlett reveals her true evil nature.]''
:'''Computer Voice''': Welcome, Chris McLean!
:'''Scarlett''': The Island is mine! MINE!
:'''Max''': Enough, nonsense sidekick! Step away!
:'''Scarlett''': I. Am. Not. Your. ''[Removes her glasses and her hair sticks out]'' Sidekick!
:'''Max''': ''[Surprised by Scarlett’s appearance]'' Scarlett! You look different.
:'''Scarlett''': ''[Grabs Max by the collar]'' This is the real me! The Scarlett That I’ve kept hidden until now, bidding my time, waiting to strike. I. Am. EVIL! ''[manically Laughing]''
:''[Scene cuts to the confessional, where Max is sucking his thumb]''

----
:'''Sugar''': I was surrounded by robot copies of Chris which reminds me of the time when my uncle built a robot army of his own by putting pictures of his face on donkeys wrapped in tin foil.

----
:'''Jasmine''': ''[as the Chris promo-bots came marching their way]'' It's like an army of zombies!
:'''Shawn''': Z-Zombies! ''[jumps up and demolished the Chris promo-bots, one by one]'' Headshot! Headshot! Headshot!

----
:'''Chris''': Guys! Before you all die, I just wanna say… ''[notices Scarlett all tied up]'' Oh, Whoa! You took down Scarlett! Nice! Way better than dying! Am I right?
:'''Jasmine''': Yeah! No thanks to you!
:'''Max''': ''[gets electrocuted and the Chris promo-bot head smashes the computer]''
:'''Chris''': Not the computer!
:'''Computer Voice''': Island sector A, Combustion initiated, Island sector B Chryo-Activation completed.
:'''Chris''': Great!

----
:''[Chris disqualified Scarlett for attempting to blow up the island in exchange for the million dollar prize and Max for being evil]''
:'''Chris''': ''[At the elimination ceremony, where Scarlett is in the Cannon of Shame]'' I know I normally hand these out to those who are ''not'' eliminated. But, today, I feel a special ceremony is called for. You are ''so'' eliminated! ''[Throws marshmallows at Scarlett]'' You're more eliminated than anyone's ''ever'' been eliminated! Even that beatbox guy. The whole island's a freak show!
:'''Max''': Yes, away with her! It's a shabby sidekick that tries to usurp her master. I am the only true evil on this island. And soon it will be mine! ''[laughs evilly]''
:'''Chris''': ''[irritated]'' Yeah, I think I'm done with evil for now.
:'''Max''': ''[laughs until Chef grabs him, Gasps]'' Inconceivable!
:''[Scene cuts to Max in the Cannon of Shame with Scarlett]''
:'''Scarlett''': No! Please! Don't send me away with him. Anyone but-
:'''Chris''': ''[blasts them both off the island]'' Well, we almost tested ''[[The Big Bang Theory]]''.

===Sky Fall [5B.11]===
:'''Sugar''': Nuh-uh. Sugar ain't going out like this. I got dreams to make real! ''[confessional]'' My plan for the money may seem real normal, but I wanna go to college. To study veteranarian medicine with a minor in cosmetology and then get a job! Putting makeup on famous animals. ''[outside]'' I may not be able to put lipstick on these bears right now. But someday, someone, somewhere, watching some movie will say, &quot;You know who put the makeup on that monkey?&quot; Sugar did!
:'''Sky''': What?
:'''Sugar''': I can get us out of this, but it ain't gonna be pretty. Can you handle it?
:'''Sky''': Um...
:'''Sugar''': I said can you handle it?!
:'''Sky''': ''[confessional]'' I have no idea what Sugar is about to do, but I am 147% sure I can't handle it.

----
:'''Sugar''': My uncle Elliot does that.

----
:'''Sky''': I hope me and Sugar's moms don't meet each other.

----
:'''Shawn''': My uncle owns a tanning salon, Bernie's Tanning Salon.

----
:''[Jasmine got eliminated because Sugar pushed a tree on her, making her to come in last in the challenge and be automatically eliminated.]''
:'''Chris''': Fire in the hole! ''[Blasts Jasmine off the island]''
:'''Sugar''': Better take cover! The bus is about to move! ''[farts on everyone]''

===Pahk'd with Talent [5B.12]===
:'''Sugar''': I wish that my mom was there to give me the awesome pep talk she gives me before every pageant: however, it seems that talk is just yelling at me to hurry up and get dressed.

----
:'''Sugar''': I climb to the top of the tree during Shawn's challenge because my grandma says &quot;in a battle, you always take the high ground&quot;.

----
:''[last elimination of the series; Sugar becomes the last contestant to be eliminated because her talent in the challenge failed to impress the judges.]''
:'''Chris''': Wow! I don't know what to say. Oh. Wait, yes I do! ''[scene dissolves to Sugar crying in the Cannon of Shame, she was wearing a tiara and was holding a bouquet of flowers]'' That was horrible! Any final words?
:'''Sugar''': I personally believe that competition shouldn't be based on points, instead on your general awesomeness. Which means I should not be in this cannon! ''[Gets blasted off the island]'' I'm coming, Wizard!

===Lies, Cries and One Big Prize [5B.13]===
:''[Jasmine and Shawn became the last finalists of the series]''
:'''Jasmine''': ''[in bed]'' Ugh, sleep. Come on, sleep. ''[confessional]'' What is going on? I've never had trouble sleeping before a big competition. The only difference this time is that I can win a million dollars. Yeah, it's probably the money. I bet Shawn's having the same problem.
:''[Shawn is sleeping on a tree's branch and he fell upside down]''
:'''Shawn''': ''[confessional]'' Huh? Whoa? Wha? Hoo! Training myself to sleep with my eyes open. I read that you still take in info and alert your brain to wake you up if there's danger. That'd come in pretty handy during a nighttime zombie attack, or if you fall asleep riding your bike. ''[falls down the tree]'' Totally works!

----
:'''Sky''': ''[during her last confessional]'' My boyfriend was in the room when I made that audition tape. I had to say that. Truth is, I was going to dump him before I left but ran out of time, and… I really like Dave. Ugh… I messed this up big time.
:'''Chris''': ''[during his last confessional; mockingly]'' I am so like, confused about what is going on with Dave and Sky, I mean, like, did you, like, hear that? Like? ''[laughs]''

----
:'''Dave''': ''[during his last confessional]'' This, is, so much fun!
:'''Jasmine''': ''[during her last confessional]'' I don't want Shawn to win, obviously, but I don't wanna see him hurt either. Well, not badly.

----
:''[Shawn's ending in the US]''
:'''Jasmine''': Shawn!
:'''Shawn''': I got this for you. I hope we could still- ''[gasps]'' Did I?
:'''Jasmine''': You won!
:'''Shawn''': No! We won! If you're still okay with splitting the money, then- ''[he and Jasmine kiss]''.

----
:''[last winner of the series; Sky's ending]''
:'''Sky''': Did I? Yes! I won! I won!
:'''Jasmine''': Shawn! ''[picks him up]''
:'''Shawn''': You're not mad at me anymore?
:'''Jasmine''': I'm very mad at you. ''[she and Shawn kiss]''

----
:''[Jasmine, Shawn and Sky are in a helicopter with Chris]''
:'''Chris''': That's it for this very very off season! This is Chris McLean saying, if you can't stand the pain, stay off the ''Total Drama: Pahkitew Island''! Um, did we forget something!
:''[last scene of the series; Dave is sitting down on the log]''
:'''Dave''': ''[last lines; throws the remote on the floor]'' At least things can only go up from here. ''[sighs as Scuba Bear appears]'' Of course.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
[[Category:Total Drama seasons]]
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]
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  <page>
    <title>John Gunther</title>
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      <text bytes="26083" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:John Gunther|John Gunther]]''' (August 30, 1901 &amp;ndash; May 29, 1970) was an [[Americans|American]] journalist and author.

His success came primarily by a series of popular sociopolitical works, known as the &quot;Inside&quot; books (1936&amp;ndash;1972), including the best-selling ''[[Inside U.S.A. (book)|Inside U.S.A.]]'' in 1947. However, he is now best known for his memoir ''[[Death Be Not Proud (book)|Death Be Not Proud]]'', on the death of his beloved teenage son, Johnny Gunther, from a [[brain tumor]].

== Quotes ==

== ''Inside U.S.A.'' (1947) ==

* So now we come to New York City, the incomparable, the brilliant star city of parodies, the forty-ninth state, a law unto itself, the Cyclopean paradox, the inferno with no out-of-bounds, the supreme expression of both the miseries and the splendors of contemporary civilization, the Macedonia of the United States. It meets the most severe test that may be applied to definition of a metropolis- it stays up all night. But also it becomes a small town when it rains. Paradox? New York is at once the climactic synthesis of America, and yet the negation of American in that it has so many characteristics called un-American. One friend of mine, indignant that it seems impossible for any American city to develop on the pattern of Paris or Vienna, always says that Manhattan is like Constantinople- not the Instanbul of old Stamboul but of the Pera or Levantine side. He meant not merely the trite fact that New York is polygot, but that it is full of people, like the Levantines, who are interested basically in only two things, living well and making money. I would prefer a different analogy- that only Instanbul, of all the cities in the world, has as enchanting and stimulating a profile.
** p. 549

* New York is the publishing center of the nation; it is the art, theater, musical, ballet, operatic center; it is the opinion center; it is the radio center; it is the style center. Hollywood? Hollywood is nothing more than a suburb of the Bronx, both financially and from a view of talent. Politically, socially, in the world of ideas and in the whole world of entertainment, which is a great American industry needless to say, New York sets the tone and pace of the entire nation. What books 140 million Americans will read is largely determined by New York reviewers. Most of the serious newspaper columns originate in or near New York; so do most of the gossip columns, which condition Americans from Mobile to Puget Sound to the same patterns of social behavior. In a broad variety of fields, from serous drama to what you will hear on a jukebox, it is what New York says that counts; New York Opinion is the hallmark of both intellectual and material success; to be accepted in this nation, New York acceptance must come first. I do not assert that this is necessarily a good thing. I say merely that it is true. One reason for all this is that New York, with its richly cosmopolitan population, provides such an appreciative audience. It admires artistic quality. It has a fine inward gleam for talent. Also New York is a wonderfully opulent center for bogus culture. One of its chief industries might be said to be the manufacture of reputations, many of them fraudulent.
** p. 549-550

* More than anywhere else in this book, the author must now steer between Scylla and Charybdis, between saying too much and too little. How can we talk about the Statue of Liberty without seeming ridiculously supererogatory? But how can we omit Brooklyn Bridge and still give a fair, comprehensive picture? One must either take the space to mention something that everybody knows everything about, or else risk omission of things that everybody will think ought to be included. Park Avenue in summer near Grand Central, a thin quivering asphalt shelf, and the asphalt soft, a thin quivering layer of street separating the automobiles above from the trains below; avenues as homespun with small exquisite shops as Madison and streets as magnificent as 57th; the fat black automobiles doubleparked on Fifth Avenue on sleety afternoons; kibitzers watching strenuously to see if the man running will really catch the bus; bridges soaring and slim as needles like the George Washington; the incomparable moment at dusk when the edges of tall buildings melt invisibly into the sky, so that nothing of them can be seen except the lighted windows; the way the pace of everything accelerates near Christmas; how the avenues will be cleared of snow and actually dry a day after a six-inch fall, while the side streets are banked solid with sticky drifts; how the noon sun makes luminous spots on the rounded tops of automobiles, crowded together on the slope of Park Avenue so that they look like seashells; the shop that delivers chocolates by horse- all this is too familiar to mention.
** p. 551

* It is a proud boast of New York that, what with its enormous pools of foreign-born, any article or object known in the world may be found there. You can buy anything from Malabar spices to stamps from Mauritius to Shakespeare folios. A stall on Seventh Avenue sells about a hundred different varieties of razor blades. Also it is incomparably the greatest manufacturing town on earth; in an average year it produces goods valued at more than four billion dollars.
** p. 553

* I went down to the City Hall the other day and had an hour with O'Dwyer after not having seen him for several years. He is a shade grayer, a shade stockier, and still a grand man to talk to- easy-going, bluff, friendly, and informal. He wore a light brown sports jacket; he was as relaxed- working a fourteen-hour day- as a character in ''A Crock of Gold''. O'Dwyer has heavy, very short, blunt fingers, a decisive nose, and expressive, eloquent blue eyes. He is full of Irish wit and bounce. Also he is very modest. Mostly we talked about things personal. But occasionally there were remarks like, &quot;How the hell ''does'' democracy work, anyway?&quot; This was not, I hasten to add, said with any lack of faith. The mayor is a very gregarious man, and he loves people; especially he loves those who have fought their way out of a bad environment. What he hates most are stuffy people.
** p. 562

* New York City has more trees (2,400,000) than houses, and it makes 18,200,000 telephone calls a day of which about 125,000 are wrong numbers. Its rate of divorces is the lowest of any big American city, less than a tenth of that of Baltimore for instance, and even less than that in the surrounding countryside. One of its hotels, built largely over railway tracks, has an assessed valuation of $22,500,000 (there are 124 buildings valued at more than a million dollars in Manhattan alone), and it is probably the only city in the world that still maintains sheriff's juries and has five district attorneys. New York City has such admirable institutions as New School for Social Research, the Council on Foreign Relations, Cooper Union, the Museum of Modern Art, and a black market in illegitimate babies. It has 492 playgrounds, more than 11,000 restaurants, 2,800 churches, and the largest store in the world, Macy's, which wrote 40,328,836 sales checks in 1944, and serves more than 150,000 customers a day. It has the Great White Way, bad manners, 33,000 schoolteachers (average pay $3,803) and 500 boy gangs.
** p. 577

* New York makes three-quarters of all the fur coats in the country, and its slang and mode of speech can change hour by hour. It has New York University, a wholly private institution which is the second-largest university in the country, 13,800 Jews in its student body, 12,000 Protestants, and 7,200 Catholics, and a great municipal institution, the City College of the College of the City of New York, one of four famous city colleges. In New York people drink 14 million gallons of hard liquor a year, and smoke 20 billion cigarettes. It has 301,850 dogs, and one of its unsolved murders is the political assassination of Carlo Tresca. New York has 9,371 taxis and more than 700 parks. Its budget runs to $175,000,000 for education alone, and it drinks 3,500,000 quarts of milk a day. The average New York family (in normal times) moves once every eighteen months, and more than 2,200,000 New Yorkers belong to the Associated Hospital Service. New York has a birth every five minutes, and a marriage every seven. It has &quot;more Norwegian-born citizens than Tromsoe and Narvik put together,&quot; and only one railroad, the New York Central, has the perpetual right to enter it by land. It has 22,000 soda fountains, and 112 tons of soot fall per square mile every month, which is why your face is dirty.
** p. 577

* Fiorello Henrico LaGuardia, the most spectacular mayor the greatest city in the world has ever had, has characteristics and qualities so obvious that they are known to everyone- the volatile realism, the rubble-supple grin, the flamboyant energy, the zest for honesty in public life, the occasional vulgarisms, the common sense. But the mayor I spent these uninterrupted hours with showed more conspicuously some qualities for which he is not so widely known. He picked what he called a &quot;desk day&quot; for me to sit in on. He did not inspect a single fish market or visit a single fire. What he did was work at his major job, administration of the city of New York. What he did was to govern, to put in a routine day as an executive.
** p. 578

* Fiorello H. LaGuardia is one of the most original, most useful, and most stimulating men American public life has ever known.
** p. 588

* Famously the South is the land of demagogues, of cumulus-cloudy politicians who emit wads of opaque cotton every time they open their mouths. Think back a little, to the time when men now mostly forgotten were household names- &quot;Cotton Ed&quot; Smith of South Carolina, who was probably the worst senator who ever lived, no mean honor; Tom Watson of Georgia and Tom Heflin of Alabama, one of the most fanatic reactionaries in American history, especially about things religious; John Sharp Williams of Mississippi, Cole L. Blease of South Carolina, one of the typical &quot;spittoon senators,&quot; and of course Huey Long of Louisiana.
** p. 675

* In Athens, Alabama, in August, 1946, two white boys and a Negro had a scuffle. An honest white policeman refused to arrest the Negro, on the ground that he was not the aggressor; he did arrest the whites. A mob numbering between 1,800 and 2,000 thereupon stormed the city hall, forced the release of the white boys, and began to riot; Negroes were chased off the streets and between fifty and one hundred were injured. When order was restored nine whites were taken into custody on charges of &quot;unlawful assembly.&quot; They were released later. Eight were teen-agers; the youngest, thirteen years old, &quot;carried a club and knocked Negroes down.&quot;
** p. 685

* On February 12, 1946, a Negro veteran named Isaac Woodard, who had received his honorable discharge papers only a few hour before and who was still in uniform, took a bus at Atlanta for his home in South Carolina. When the bus stopped at a hamlet Woodard asked the driver if he could go to a rest room. The driver refused and a violent quarrel ensued. At the next stop, Batesburg, South Carolina, the driver called a policeman, saying that Woodard had made a disturbance; the policeman took him off the bus, started beating him, carted him off to jail, and ''ground out his eyes'' with the end of his club. This case too became a country-wide scandal. A mass rally held in the Lewisohn Stadium in New York raised a purse of $22,000 for the blinded veteran. It did not restore his vision. Attorney General Clark and the FBI instituted an investigation, after much public clamor, and the Batesburg police officer was identified, arrested, and brought to trial. His name was, and is, Lynwood E. Shull. The charge, brought &quot;in a criminal information filed by the Department of Justice,&quot; was that Shull violated Woodard's &quot;civil rights&quot; by beating him. Shull's reply was that he had acted in self-defense. A United States district court jury acquitted Shull in half an hour.
** p. 686

* Another type of mob outrage sometimes occurs in the South; clandestine or &quot;underground&quot; lynching in which a Negro who has broken taboos simply disappears. There is no ''corpus derilicti'', and no scandal. The body is never found, and people say that the victim has &quot;moved&quot; somewhere. For a time members of the Ku-Klux Klan were most distinguished for this kind of affair.
** p. 686

* The effect of World War II is one point worth noting. Almost every victim of lynching since the war has been a veteran. The Negro community is probably more unified today, more politically vehement, more aggressive in its demand for full citizenship- even in the South- than at any other time in history. Roughly one million Negroes entered the armed services. They moved around and saw things; they were exposed to danger and learned what their rights were; overseas, many were treated decently and democratically by whites for the first time in their lives; the consequent fermentations have been explosive. Also since Negroes were presumably fighting for democratic principles on the international plane, it was difficult to keep them from wondering why the same principles were not applied at home. It wasn't easy for an intelligent Negro to accept that he was fighting for democracy- in a largely Jim Crow army. The glaring crudity of this paradox became the more striking as the war went on. One famous remark is that of the Negro soldier returning across the Pacific from Okinawa. &quot;''Our'' fight for freedom,&quot; he said, &quot;begins when we get to San Francisco.&quot;
** p. 687

* One familiar Southern attitude is, &quot;The Negro is ''our'' problem. We have to live with it, and let ''us'' solve it.&quot; Also Southerners say, &quot;You can never understand it.&quot; Indeed, interference or advice from the North is tenaciously resented. Yet, no matter what the South may have done of itself, the record would certainly seem to indicate that it is not enough. Another familiar phenomenon is the &quot;vicious circle&quot; attitude. People refuse to give opportunities to a Negro, on the a priori assumption that he cannot make use of them, blaming him all the while. The pattern becomes, &quot;We cannot train Negroes for this type of work, since they won't be able to do it if we train them!&quot;
** p. 698

* One thing, it would seem, is certain. The days of treating Negroes like sheep are done with. They cannot be maintained indefinitely in a submerged position, because the overwhelming bulk of white Americans are, in the last analysis, decent minded, and because of education. It is impossible at this stage to halt education among Negroes. But the more you educate, the more you make inevitable a closer participation by Negroes in American life as a whole. In slightly different terms, this is the problem that the British Empire has faced in various colonial areas; once mass education gets under way the route to freedom becomes open, and the more you educate, the more impossible it becomes to block this road. The United States must either terminate education among Negroes, an impossibility, or prepare to accept the eventual consequences, that is, Negro equality under democracy. There will never be a &quot;solution&quot; to the Negro problem satisfactory to everybody. But improvements, no matter how fitful, must continue if American democracy itself is to survive. Discrimination not only contaminates the Negro community; it contaminates the white as well. There were people in the Middle Ages who thought that the bubonic plague would not spread to their own precious selves. But there is no immunity to certain types of disease. A cancer will destroy the body, unless cured.
** p. 704

* Incontestably what runs Virginia is the Byrd machine, the most urbane and genteel dictatorship in America. A real machine it is, though Senator Harry Flood Byrd himself faced more opposition in 1946 than at any time in his long, suave, and distinguished public career. Virginia is, of course, &quot;the mother of states&quot;; it is one of four in the union to call itself a commonwealth, and it has produced eight presidents, more than any other state. Its history goes back to Jamestown, the first Anglo-Saxon settlement in America, in 1607; the colony was named for Elizabeth, the virgin queen, and its citizens established an effective representative government several years before the Puritans in New England. Ever since it has prided itself on aristocratic tradition, a seasoned attitude toward public life, administrative decency, and firm attachment to the regime of law. Virginia breeds no Huey Longs or Talmadges; its respect for the forms of order is deeply engrained. One subsidiary point is that Virginians, it seems, were not so philoprogenitive as their New England counterparts. Boston, as we know, choked with Cabots, Adamses, and Lowells. But there are no Washingtons in Richmond; George Washington, as a matter of fact, left no children. Jefferson had direct descendants, but none with the name Jefferson play any consequential role in Virginia life today. There are no Madisons, Monroes, descendants of John Marshall or Patrick Henry, or even Lees, in the contemporary political arena.
** p. 705

* The West Virginia motto is ''Montani semper liberi'', and the state is one of the most mountainous in the country; sometimes it is called the &quot;little Switzerland&quot; of America, and once I heard an irreverent local citizen call it the &quot;Afghanistan of the United States.&quot; The precipitous upland nature of the terrain makes naturally for three things: (1) poor communications; (2) fierce sectionalism; (3) comparatively little agriculture. West Virginia lies mostly in the Ohio orbit; all but eight of its counties drain into the Ohio River, and a pressing problem is strip mining, as in Ohio. On the other hand, the state has, it is hardly necessary to point out, little of the prodigious urban development of Ohio, and at the same time no great rural blocs such as those that dominate the Ohio legislature. The pull of Pennsylvania is also very strong, particularly near Wheeling which, like Pittsburgh hard by, is based on steel. Finally, in this geographical realm, one should not think of West Virginia as being &quot;western&quot; Virginia. It is a totally distinct and separate entity. Virginians themselves, as a matter of fact, pay almost no attention nowadays to their craggy neighbor.
** p. 715

* The more one looks back to it, the more noteworthy it all seems. It is easy to be wise after the event; it is also (as somebody once said) wise. In almost every respect the career of Huey Long parallels that of the modern European dictator-tyrant, the Hitler or Mussolini. Huey Long, had he lived, might very well have brought Fascism to America.
** p. 809

* There are at least four main points to be made about the Lone Star State all at once. It does not properly belong to the South, the West, or even the Southwest; it is an empire, an entity, totally its own.
** p. 814

* American scientists are ceaselessly attacking in every sphere the frontiers of the unknown; American economists and social engineers have at hand techniques that can forestall a new depression; there is no valid reason why the American people cannot work out an evolution in which freedom and security are combined. Creative good will, coherent large-minded planning, clarity of vision, a grasp of the realities of the nation as a whole, spring-mindedness, education and more education, a fixed national purpose to make out of contemporary civilization weapons that will cure, not kill- all this is possible. In a curious way it is earlier, not later, than we think. The fact that a third of the nation is ill-housed and ill-fed is, in simple fact, not so much a dishonor as a challenge. What Americans have to do is enlarge the dimensions of the democratic process. This country is, I once heard it put, &quot;lousy with greatness&quot;- with not only the greatest responsibilities but with the greatest opportunities ever known to man.
** p. 920

== ''Roosevelt in Retrospect: A Profile in History'' (1950) ==

* Franklin Delano Roosevelt, thirty-second President of the United States and Chief Executive from 1933 to 1945, the architect of the New Deal and the director of victory in World War II, Franklin Delano Roosevelt who is still both loved and hated as passionately as if he were still alive, was born in Hyde Park, New York, in 1882, and died in Warm Springs, Georgia, in 1945. It was his fate, through what concentration of forces no man can know, to be President during both the greatest depression and the greatest war the world has ever known. He was a cripple- and he licked them both.
** p. 3

* To a supreme degree Roosevelt had five qualifications for statesmanship: (a) courage; (b) patience, and an infinitely subtle sense of timing; (c) the capacity to see the very great in the very small, to relate the infinitesimal particular to the all-embracing general; (d) idealism, and a sense of fixed objectives; (e) the ability to give resolution to the minds of men. Also he had plenty of bad qualities- dilatoriness, two-sidedness (some critics would say plain dishonesty), pettiness in some personal relationships, inability to say No, love of improvisation, garrulousness, amateurism, and what has been called &quot;cheerful vindictiveness.&quot; Amateurism?- in a particular way, yes. But do not forget that he was the most masterfully expert practical politician ever to function in this republic.
** p. 5

* One of FDR's most heart-warming qualities was his almost illimitable gift for friendship, which arose out of his idealism, his innate delight in life, and his generosity. His friends were of the widest possible variety, from formidable old crustaceans like Admiral King to courageous, incisive women like Anna Rosenberg to columnists like Walter Winchell.
** p. 81

* If anybody ever doubted that Roosevelt was a good bluffer, events after Pearl Harbor should set the record straight. For almost a year the United States had no fleet worthy of the name in the Pacific, but no one, least of all the Japanese, ever caught on to how miserably defenseless we really were.
** p. 324  

* Roosevelt was a man of his times, and what times they were!- chaotic, catastrophic, revolutionary, epochal- he was President during the greatest emergency in the history of mankind, and he never let history- or mankind- down. His very defects reflected the unprecedented strains and stresses of the decades he lived in. But he took history in his stride; he had vision and gallantry enough, oomph and zip and debonair benevolence enough, to foresee the supreme crises of our era, overcome them, and lead the nation out of the worst dangers it has ever faced. Roosevelt was the greatest political campaigner and the greatest vote getter in American history. Thirty-one out of forty-eight states voted for him each of the four times he ran. His influence, far from having diminished since his death, has probably increased. When Mr. Truman won his surprising victory in 1948, which was made possible in part by the political influence left behind by FDR, it was altogether fitting that a London newspaper should head its story, &quot;Roosevelt's Fifth Term.&quot;
** p. 378

* Roosevelt believed in social justice- and fought for it- he gave hope and faith to the masses, and knew that the masses are the foundation of American democracy. He turned the cornucopia of American resource upside down and made it serve almost everybody. Mrs. Roosevelt has said that in the course of his whole career there was never any deviation from his original objective- &quot;to make life better for the average man, woman, and child.&quot; I have heard men of the utmost sober conservatism say that they think FDR saved the country from overt revolution in 1932. He created the pattern of the modern democratic state, and made it function. To be a reformer alone is not enough. A reformer must make reform effective. This certainly Roosevelt did.
** p. 378

* Also, Roosevelt's career nicely disproves an essential constituent of Marxism, namely the principle of class war. His entire life refutes the Marxist thesis. He was a rich man and an aristocrat; but he did more for the underpossessed than any American who ever lived. Moreover, as we know, FDR always operated within the framework of full democracy and civil liberties. He believed devoutly in the American political tradition. Much of the world outside the United States during his prodigious administrations had political liberty without economic security; some had security but no liberty. Roosevelt gave both. Mr. Roosevelt was the greatest war president in American history; it was he, almost singlehanded, who created the climate of the nation whereby we were able to fight at all. Beyond this he brought the United States to full citizenship in the world as a partner in the peace. He set up the frame in which a durable peace might have been written and a new world order established; if he had lived to fill in the picture contemporary history might be very different. Above all, FDR was an educator. He expanded and enlarged the role of the Presidency as no president before him ever did. &quot;The first duty of a statesman is to educate,&quot; he said in his Commonwealth Club speech back in 1932. He established what amounted to a new relationship between president and people; he turned the White House into a teacher's desk, a pulpit; he taught the people of the United States how the operations of government might be applied for their own good; he made government a much abler process, on the whole, than it has ever been before; he gave citizens intimate acquaintanceship with the realities of political power, and made politics the close inalienable possession of the man in every street. One result of all this is that the President, though dead, is still alive. Millions of Americans will continue to vote for Roosevelt as long as ''they'' live.
** p. 379

== Quotes about Gunther ==

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      <text bytes="26108" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:John Gunther|John Gunther]]''' (August 30, 1901 &amp;ndash; May 29, 1970) was an [[Americans|American]] journalist and author.

His success came primarily by a series of popular sociopolitical works, known as the &quot;Inside&quot; books (1936&amp;ndash;1972), including the best-selling ''[[Inside U.S.A. (book)|Inside U.S.A.]]'' in 1947. However, he is now best known for his memoir ''[[Death Be Not Proud (book)|Death Be Not Proud]]'', on the death of his beloved teenage son, Johnny Gunther, from a [[brain tumor]].

== Quotes ==

== ''Inside U.S.A.'' (1947) ==

* So now we come to New York City, the incomparable, the brilliant star city of parodies, the forty-ninth state, a law unto itself, the Cyclopean paradox, the inferno with no out-of-bounds, the supreme expression of both the miseries and the splendors of contemporary civilization, the Macedonia of the United States. It meets the most severe test that may be applied to definition of a metropolis- it stays up all night. But also it becomes a small town when it rains. Paradox? New York is at once the climactic synthesis of America, and yet the negation of American in that it has so many characteristics called un-American. One friend of mine, indignant that it seems impossible for any American city to develop on the pattern of Paris or Vienna, always says that Manhattan is like Constantinople- not the Instanbul of old Stamboul but of the Pera or Levantine side. He meant not merely the trite fact that New York is polygot, but that it is full of people, like the Levantines, who are interested basically in only two things, living well and making money. I would prefer a different analogy- that only Instanbul, of all the cities in the world, has as enchanting and stimulating a profile.
** p. 549

* New York is the publishing center of the nation; it is the art, theater, musical, ballet, operatic center; it is the opinion center; it is the radio center; it is the style center. Hollywood? Hollywood is nothing more than a suburb of the Bronx, both financially and from a view of talent. Politically, socially, in the world of ideas and in the whole world of entertainment, which is a great American industry needless to say, New York sets the tone and pace of the entire nation. What books 140 million Americans will read is largely determined by New York reviewers. Most of the serious newspaper columns originate in or near New York; so do most of the gossip columns, which condition Americans from Mobile to Puget Sound to the same patterns of social behavior. In a broad variety of fields, from serous drama to what you will hear on a jukebox, it is what New York says that counts; New York Opinion is the hallmark of both intellectual and material success; to be accepted in this nation, New York acceptance must come first. I do not assert that this is necessarily a good thing. I say merely that it is true. One reason for all this is that New York, with its richly cosmopolitan population, provides such an appreciative audience. It admires artistic quality. It has a fine inward gleam for talent. Also New York is a wonderfully opulent center for bogus culture. One of its chief industries might be said to be the manufacture of reputations, many of them fraudulent.
** p. 549-550

* More than anywhere else in this book, the author must now steer between Scylla and Charybdis, between saying too much and too little. How can we talk about the Statue of Liberty without seeming ridiculously supererogatory? But how can we omit Brooklyn Bridge and still give a fair, comprehensive picture? One must either take the space to mention something that everybody knows everything about, or else risk omission of things that everybody will think ought to be included. Park Avenue in summer near Grand Central, a thin quivering asphalt shelf, and the asphalt soft, a thin quivering layer of street separating the automobiles above from the trains below; avenues as homespun with small exquisite shops as Madison and streets as magnificent as 57th; the fat black automobiles doubleparked on Fifth Avenue on sleety afternoons; kibitzers watching strenuously to see if the man running will really catch the bus; bridges soaring and slim as needles like the George Washington; the incomparable moment at dusk when the edges of tall buildings melt invisibly into the sky, so that nothing of them can be seen except the lighted windows; the way the pace of everything accelerates near Christmas; how the avenues will be cleared of snow and actually dry a day after a six-inch fall, while the side streets are banked solid with sticky drifts; how the noon sun makes luminous spots on the rounded tops of automobiles, crowded together on the slope of Park Avenue so that they look like seashells; the shop that delivers chocolates by horse- all this is too familiar to mention.
** p. 551

* It is a proud boast of New York that, what with its enormous pools of foreign-born, any article or object known in the world may be found there. You can buy anything from Malabar spices to stamps from Mauritius to Shakespeare folios. A stall on Seventh Avenue sells about a hundred different varieties of razor blades. Also it is incomparably the greatest manufacturing town on earth; in an average year it produces goods valued at more than four billion dollars.
** p. 553

* I went down to the City Hall the other day and had an hour with O'Dwyer after not having seen him for several years. He is a shade grayer, a shade stockier, and still a grand man to talk to- easy-going, bluff, friendly, and informal. He wore a light brown sports jacket; he was as relaxed- working a fourteen-hour day- as a character in ''A Crock of Gold''. O'Dwyer has heavy, very short, blunt fingers, a decisive nose, and expressive, eloquent blue eyes. He is full of Irish wit and bounce. Also he is very modest. Mostly we talked about things personal. But occasionally there were remarks like, &quot;How the hell ''does'' democracy work, anyway?&quot; This was not, I hasten to add, said with any lack of faith. The mayor is a very gregarious man, and he loves people; especially he loves those who have fought their way out of a bad environment. What he hates most are stuffy people.
** p. 562

* New York City has more trees (2,400,000) than houses, and it makes 18,200,000 telephone calls a day of which about 125,000 are wrong numbers. Its rate of divorces is the lowest of any big American city, less than a tenth of that of Baltimore for instance, and even less than that in the surrounding countryside. One of its hotels, built largely over railway tracks, has an assessed valuation of $22,500,000 (there are 124 buildings valued at more than a million dollars in Manhattan alone), and it is probably the only city in the world that still maintains sheriff's juries and has five district attorneys. New York City has such admirable institutions as New School for Social Research, the Council on Foreign Relations, Cooper Union, the Museum of Modern Art, and a black market in illegitimate babies. It has 492 playgrounds, more than 11,000 restaurants, 2,800 churches, and the largest store in the world, Macy's, which wrote 40,328,836 sales checks in 1944, and serves more than 150,000 customers a day. It has the Great White Way, bad manners, 33,000 schoolteachers (average pay $3,803) and 500 boy gangs.
** p. 577

* New York makes three-quarters of all the fur coats in the country, and its slang and mode of speech can change hour by hour. It has New York University, a wholly private institution which is the second-largest university in the country, 13,800 Jews in its student body, 12,000 Protestants, and 7,200 Catholics, and a great municipal institution, the City College of the College of the City of New York, one of four famous city colleges. In New York people drink 14 million gallons of hard liquor a year, and smoke 20 billion cigarettes. It has 301,850 dogs, and one of its unsolved murders is the political assassination of Carlo Tresca. New York has 9,371 taxis and more than 700 parks. Its budget runs to $175,000,000 for education alone, and it drinks 3,500,000 quarts of milk a day. The average New York family (in normal times) moves once every eighteen months, and more than 2,200,000 New Yorkers belong to the Associated Hospital Service. New York has a birth every five minutes, and a marriage every seven. It has &quot;more Norwegian-born citizens than Tromsoe and Narvik put together,&quot; and only one railroad, the New York Central, has the perpetual right to enter it by land. It has 22,000 soda fountains, and 112 tons of soot fall per square mile every month, which is why your face is dirty.
** p. 577

* Fiorello Henrico LaGuardia, the most spectacular mayor the greatest city in the world has ever had, has characteristics and qualities so obvious that they are known to everyone- the volatile realism, the rubble-supple grin, the flamboyant energy, the zest for honesty in public life, the occasional vulgarisms, the common sense. But the mayor I spent these uninterrupted hours with showed more conspicuously some qualities for which he is not so widely known. He picked what he called a &quot;desk day&quot; for me to sit in on. He did not inspect a single fish market or visit a single fire. What he did was work at his major job, administration of the city of New York. What he did was to govern, to put in a routine day as an executive.
** p. 578

* Fiorello H. LaGuardia is one of the most original, most useful, and most stimulating men American public life has ever known.
** p. 588

* Famously the South is the land of demagogues, of cumulus-cloudy politicians who emit wads of opaque cotton every time they open their mouths. Think back a little, to the time when men now mostly forgotten were household names- &quot;Cotton Ed&quot; Smith of South Carolina, who was probably the worst senator who ever lived, no mean honor; Tom Watson of Georgia and Tom Heflin of Alabama, one of the most fanatic reactionaries in American history, especially about things religious; John Sharp Williams of Mississippi, Cole L. Blease of South Carolina, one of the typical &quot;spittoon senators,&quot; and of course Huey Long of Louisiana.
** p. 675

* In Athens, Alabama, in August, 1946, two white boys and a Negro had a scuffle. An honest white policeman refused to arrest the Negro, on the ground that he was not the aggressor; he did arrest the whites. A mob numbering between 1,800 and 2,000 thereupon stormed the city hall, forced the release of the white boys, and began to riot; Negroes were chased off the streets and between fifty and one hundred were injured. When order was restored nine whites were taken into custody on charges of &quot;unlawful assembly.&quot; They were released later. Eight were teen-agers; the youngest, thirteen years old, &quot;carried a club and knocked Negroes down.&quot;
** p. 685

* On February 12, 1946, a Negro veteran named Isaac Woodard, who had received his honorable discharge papers only a few hour before and who was still in uniform, took a bus at Atlanta for his home in South Carolina. When the bus stopped at a hamlet Woodard asked the driver if he could go to a rest room. The driver refused and a violent quarrel ensued. At the next stop, Batesburg, South Carolina, the driver called a policeman, saying that Woodard had made a disturbance; the policeman took him off the bus, started beating him, carted him off to jail, and ''ground out his eyes'' with the end of his club. This case too became a country-wide scandal. A mass rally held in the Lewisohn Stadium in New York raised a purse of $22,000 for the blinded veteran. It did not restore his vision. Attorney General Clark and the FBI instituted an investigation, after much public clamor, and the Batesburg police officer was identified, arrested, and brought to trial. His name was, and is, Lynwood E. Shull. The charge, brought &quot;in a criminal information filed by the Department of Justice,&quot; was that Shull violated Woodard's &quot;civil rights&quot; by beating him. Shull's reply was that he had acted in self-defense. A United States district court jury acquitted Shull in half an hour.
** p. 686

* Another type of mob outrage sometimes occurs in the South; clandestine or &quot;underground&quot; lynching in which a Negro who has broken taboos simply disappears. There is no ''corpus derilicti'', and no scandal. The body is never found, and people say that the victim has &quot;moved&quot; somewhere. For a time members of the Ku-Klux Klan were most distinguished for this kind of affair.
** p. 686

* The effect of World War II is one point worth noting. Almost every victim of lynching since the war has been a veteran. The Negro community is probably more unified today, more politically vehement, more aggressive in its demand for full citizenship- even in the South- than at any other time in history. Roughly one million Negroes entered the armed services. They moved around and saw things; they were exposed to danger and learned what their rights were; overseas, many were treated decently and democratically by whites for the first time in their lives; the consequent fermentations have been explosive. Also since Negroes were presumably fighting for democratic principles on the international plane, it was difficult to keep them from wondering why the same principles were not applied at home. It wasn't easy for an intelligent Negro to accept that he was fighting for democracy- in a largely Jim Crow army. The glaring crudity of this paradox became the more striking as the war went on. One famous remark is that of the Negro soldier returning across the Pacific from Okinawa. &quot;''Our'' fight for freedom,&quot; he said, &quot;begins when we get to San Francisco.&quot;
** p. 687

* One familiar Southern attitude is, &quot;The Negro is ''our'' problem. We have to live with it, and let ''us'' solve it.&quot; Also Southerners say, &quot;You can never understand it.&quot; Indeed, interference or advice from the North is tenaciously resented. Yet, no matter what the South may have done of itself, the record would certainly seem to indicate that it is not enough. Another familiar phenomenon is the &quot;vicious circle&quot; attitude. People refuse to give opportunities to a Negro, on the a priori assumption that he cannot make use of them, blaming him all the while. The pattern becomes, &quot;We cannot train Negroes for this type of work, since they won't be able to do it if we train them!&quot;
** p. 698

* One thing, it would seem, is certain. The days of treating Negroes like sheep are done with. They cannot be maintained indefinitely in a submerged position, because the overwhelming bulk of white Americans are, in the last analysis, decent minded, and because of education. It is impossible at this stage to halt education among Negroes. But the more you educate, the more you make inevitable a closer participation by Negroes in American life as a whole. In slightly different terms, this is the problem that the British Empire has faced in various colonial areas; once mass education gets under way the route to freedom becomes open, and the more you educate, the more impossible it becomes to block this road. The United States must either terminate education among Negroes, an impossibility, or prepare to accept the eventual consequences, that is, Negro equality under democracy. There will never be a &quot;solution&quot; to the Negro problem satisfactory to everybody. But improvements, no matter how fitful, must continue if American democracy itself is to survive. Discrimination not only contaminates the Negro community; it contaminates the white as well. There were people in the Middle Ages who thought that the bubonic plague would not spread to their own precious selves. But there is no immunity to certain types of disease. A cancer will destroy the body, unless cured.
** p. 704

* Incontestably what runs Virginia is the Byrd machine, the most urbane and genteel dictatorship in America. A real machine it is, though Senator Harry Flood Byrd himself faced more opposition in 1946 than at any time in his long, suave, and distinguished public career. Virginia is, of course, &quot;the mother of states&quot;; it is one of four in the union to call itself a commonwealth, and it has produced eight presidents, more than any other state. Its history goes back to Jamestown, the first Anglo-Saxon settlement in America, in 1607; the colony was named for Elizabeth, the virgin queen, and its citizens established an effective representative government several years before the Puritans in New England. Ever since it has prided itself on aristocratic tradition, a seasoned attitude toward public life, administrative decency, and firm attachment to the regime of law. Virginia breeds no Huey Longs or Talmadges; its respect for the forms of order is deeply engrained. One subsidiary point is that Virginians, it seems, were not so philoprogenitive as their New England counterparts. Boston, as we know, choked with Cabots, Adamses, and Lowells. But there are no Washingtons in Richmond; George Washington, as a matter of fact, left no children. Jefferson had direct descendants, but none with the name Jefferson play any consequential role in Virginia life today. There are no Madisons, Monroes, descendants of John Marshall or Patrick Henry, or even Lees, in the contemporary political arena.
** p. 705

* The West Virginia motto is ''Montani semper liberi'', and the state is one of the most mountainous in the country; sometimes it is called the &quot;little Switzerland&quot; of America, and once I heard an irreverent local citizen call it the &quot;Afghanistan of the United States.&quot; The precipitous upland nature of the terrain makes naturally for three things: (1) poor communications; (2) fierce sectionalism; (3) comparatively little agriculture. West Virginia lies mostly in the Ohio orbit; all but eight of its counties drain into the Ohio River, and a pressing problem is strip mining, as in Ohio. On the other hand, the state has, it is hardly necessary to point out, little of the prodigious urban development of Ohio, and at the same time no great rural blocs such as those that dominate the Ohio legislature. The pull of Pennsylvania is also very strong, particularly near Wheeling which, like Pittsburgh hard by, is based on steel. Finally, in this geographical realm, one should not think of West Virginia as being &quot;western&quot; Virginia. It is a totally distinct and separate entity. Virginians themselves, as a matter of fact, pay almost no attention nowadays to their craggy neighbor.
** p. 715

* The more one looks back to it, the more noteworthy it all seems. It is easy to be wise after the event; it is also (as somebody once said) wise. In almost every respect the career of Huey Long parallels that of the modern European dictator-tyrant, the Hitler or Mussolini. Huey Long, had he lived, might very well have brought Fascism to America.
** p. 809

* There are at least four main points to be made about the Lone Star State all at once. It does not properly belong to the South, the West, or even the Southwest; it is an empire, an entity, totally its own.
** p. 814

* American scientists are ceaselessly attacking in every sphere the frontiers of the unknown; American economists and social engineers have at hand techniques that can forestall a new depression; there is no valid reason why the American people cannot work out an evolution in which freedom and security are combined. Creative good will, coherent large-minded planning, clarity of vision, a grasp of the realities of the nation as a whole, spring-mindedness, education and more education, a fixed national purpose to make out of contemporary civilization weapons that will cure, not kill- all this is possible. In a curious way it is earlier, not later, than we think. The fact that a third of the nation is ill-housed and ill-fed is, in simple fact, not so much a dishonor as a challenge. What Americans have to do is enlarge the dimensions of the democratic process. This country is, I once heard it put, &quot;lousy with greatness&quot;- with not only the greatest responsibilities but with the greatest opportunities ever known to man.
** p. 920

== ''Roosevelt in Retrospect: A Profile in History'' (1950) ==

* Franklin Delano Roosevelt, thirty-second President of the United States and Chief Executive from 1933 to 1945, the architect of the New Deal and the director of victory in World War II, Franklin Delano Roosevelt who is still both loved and hated as passionately as if he were still alive, was born in Hyde Park, New York, in 1882, and died in Warm Springs, Georgia, in 1945. It was his fate, through what concentration of forces no man can know, to be President during both the greatest depression and the greatest war the world has ever known. He was a cripple- and he licked them both.
** p. 3

* To a supreme degree Roosevelt had five qualifications for statesmanship: (a) courage; (b) patience, and an infinitely subtle sense of timing; (c) the capacity to see the very great in the very small, to relate the infinitesimal particular to the all-embracing general; (d) idealism, and a sense of fixed objectives; (e) the ability to give resolution to the minds of men. Also he had plenty of bad qualities- dilatoriness, two-sidedness (some critics would say plain dishonesty), pettiness in some personal relationships, inability to say No, love of improvisation, garrulousness, amateurism, and what has been called &quot;cheerful vindictiveness.&quot; Amateurism?- in a particular way, yes. But do not forget that he was the most masterfully expert practical politician ever to function in this republic.
** p. 5

* One of FDR's most heart-warming qualities was his almost illimitable gift for friendship, which arose out of his idealism, his innate delight in life, and his generosity. His friends were of the widest possible variety, from formidable old crustaceans like Admiral King to courageous, incisive women like Anna Rosenberg to columnists like Walter Winchell.
** p. 81

* If anybody ever doubted that Roosevelt was a good bluffer, events after Pearl Harbor should set the record straight. For almost a year the United States had no fleet worthy of the name in the Pacific, but no one, least of all the Japanese, ever caught on to how miserably defenseless we really were.
** p. 324  

* Roosevelt was a man of his times, and what times they were!- chaotic, catastrophic, revolutionary, epochal- he was President during the greatest emergency in the history of mankind, and he never let history- or mankind- down. His very defects reflected the unprecedented strains and stresses of the decades he lived in. But he took history in his stride; he had vision and gallantry enough, oomph and zip and debonair benevolence enough, to foresee the supreme crises of our era, overcome them, and lead the nation out of the worst dangers it has ever faced. Roosevelt was the greatest political campaigner and the greatest vote getter in American history. Thirty-one out of forty-eight states voted for him each of the four times he ran. His influence, far from having diminished since his death, has probably increased. When Mr. Truman won his surprising victory in 1948, which was made possible in part by the political influence left behind by FDR, it was altogether fitting that a London newspaper should head its story, &quot;Roosevelt's Fifth Term.&quot;
** p. 378

* Roosevelt believed in social justice- and fought for it- he gave hope and faith to the masses, and knew that the masses are the foundation of American democracy. He turned the cornucopia of American resource upside down and made it serve almost everybody. Mrs. Roosevelt has said that in the course of his whole career there was never any deviation from his original objective- &quot;to make life better for the average man, woman, and child.&quot; I have heard men of the utmost sober conservatism say that they think FDR saved the country from overt revolution in 1932. He created the pattern of the modern democratic state, and made it function. To be a reformer alone is not enough. A reformer must make reform effective. This certainly Roosevelt did.
** p. 378

* Also, Roosevelt's career nicely disproves an essential constituent of Marxism, namely the principle of class war. His entire life refutes the Marxist thesis. He was a rich man and an aristocrat; but he did more for the underpossessed than any American who ever lived. Moreover, as we know, FDR always operated within the framework of full democracy and civil liberties. He believed devoutly in the American political tradition. Much of the world outside the United States during his prodigious administrations had political liberty without economic security; some had security but no liberty. Roosevelt gave both. Mr. Roosevelt was the greatest war president in American history; it was he, almost singlehanded, who created the climate of the nation whereby we were able to fight at all. Beyond this he brought the United States to full citizenship in the world as a partner in the peace. He set up the frame in which a durable peace might have been written and a new world order established; if he had lived to fill in the picture contemporary history might be very different. Above all, FDR was an educator. He expanded and enlarged the role of the Presidency as no president before him ever did. &quot;The first duty of a statesman is to educate,&quot; he said in his Commonwealth Club speech back in 1932. He established what amounted to a new relationship between president and people; he turned the White House into a teacher's desk, a pulpit; he taught the people of the United States how the operations of government might be applied for their own good; he made government a much abler process, on the whole, than it has ever been before; he gave citizens intimate acquaintanceship with the realities of political power, and made politics the close inalienable possession of the man in every street. One result of all this is that the President, though dead, is still alive. Millions of Americans will continue to vote for Roosevelt as long as ''they'' live.
** p. 379

== Quotes about Gunther ==

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      <text bytes="26152" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:John Gunther|John Gunther]]''' (August 30, 1901 &amp;ndash; May 29, 1970) was an [[Americans|American]] journalist and author.

His success came primarily by a series of popular sociopolitical works, known as the &quot;Inside&quot; books (1936&amp;ndash;1972), including the best-selling ''[[Inside U.S.A. (book)|Inside U.S.A.]]'' in 1947. However, he is now best known for his memoir ''[[Death Be Not Proud (book)|Death Be Not Proud]]'', on the death of his beloved teenage son, Johnny Gunther, from a [[brain tumor]].

== Quotes ==

== ''Inside U.S.A.'' (1947) ==

* So now we come to New York City, the incomparable, the brilliant star city of parodies, the forty-ninth state, a law unto itself, the Cyclopean paradox, the inferno with no out-of-bounds, the supreme expression of both the miseries and the splendors of contemporary civilization, the Macedonia of the United States. It meets the most severe test that may be applied to definition of a metropolis- it stays up all night. But also it becomes a small town when it rains. Paradox? New York is at once the climactic synthesis of America, and yet the negation of American in that it has so many characteristics called un-American. One friend of mine, indignant that it seems impossible for any American city to develop on the pattern of Paris or Vienna, always says that Manhattan is like Constantinople- not the Instanbul of old Stamboul but of the Pera or Levantine side. He meant not merely the trite fact that New York is polygot, but that it is full of people, like the Levantines, who are interested basically in only two things, living well and making money. I would prefer a different analogy- that only Instanbul, of all the cities in the world, has as enchanting and stimulating a profile.
** p. 549

* New York is the publishing center of the nation; it is the art, theater, musical, ballet, operatic center; it is the opinion center; it is the radio center; it is the style center. Hollywood? Hollywood is nothing more than a suburb of the Bronx, both financially and from a view of talent. Politically, socially, in the world of ideas and in the whole world of entertainment, which is a great American industry needless to say, New York sets the tone and pace of the entire nation. What books 140 million Americans will read is largely determined by New York reviewers. Most of the serious newspaper columns originate in or near New York; so do most of the gossip columns, which condition Americans from Mobile to Puget Sound to the same patterns of social behavior. In a broad variety of fields, from serous drama to what you will hear on a jukebox, it is what New York says that counts; New York Opinion is the hallmark of both intellectual and material success; to be accepted in this nation, New York acceptance must come first. I do not assert that this is necessarily a good thing. I say merely that it is true. One reason for all this is that New York, with its richly cosmopolitan population, provides such an appreciative audience. It admires artistic quality. It has a fine inward gleam for talent. Also New York is a wonderfully opulent center for bogus culture. One of its chief industries might be said to be the manufacture of reputations, many of them fraudulent.
** p. 549-550

* More than anywhere else in this book, the author must now steer between Scylla and Charybdis, between saying too much and too little. How can we talk about the Statue of Liberty without seeming ridiculously supererogatory? But how can we omit Brooklyn Bridge and still give a fair, comprehensive picture? One must either take the space to mention something that everybody knows everything about, or else risk omission of things that everybody will think ought to be included. Park Avenue in summer near Grand Central, a thin quivering asphalt shelf, and the asphalt soft, a thin quivering layer of street separating the automobiles above from the trains below; avenues as homespun with small exquisite shops as Madison and streets as magnificent as 57th; the fat black automobiles doubleparked on Fifth Avenue on sleety afternoons; kibitzers watching strenuously to see if the man running will really catch the bus; bridges soaring and slim as needles like the George Washington; the incomparable moment at dusk when the edges of tall buildings melt invisibly into the sky, so that nothing of them can be seen except the lighted windows; the way the pace of everything accelerates near Christmas; how the avenues will be cleared of snow and actually dry a day after a six-inch fall, while the side streets are banked solid with sticky drifts; how the noon sun makes luminous spots on the rounded tops of automobiles, crowded together on the slope of Park Avenue so that they look like seashells; the shop that delivers chocolates by horse- all this is too familiar to mention.
** p. 551

* It is a proud boast of New York that, what with its enormous pools of foreign-born, any article or object known in the world may be found there. You can buy anything from Malabar spices to stamps from Mauritius to Shakespeare folios. A stall on Seventh Avenue sells about a hundred different varieties of razor blades. Also it is incomparably the greatest manufacturing town on earth; in an average year it produces goods valued at more than four billion dollars.
** p. 553

* I went down to the City Hall the other day and had an hour with O'Dwyer after not having seen him for several years. He is a shade grayer, a shade stockier, and still a grand man to talk to- easy-going, bluff, friendly, and informal. He wore a light brown sports jacket; he was as relaxed- working a fourteen-hour day- as a character in ''A Crock of Gold''. O'Dwyer has heavy, very short, blunt fingers, a decisive nose, and expressive, eloquent blue eyes. He is full of Irish wit and bounce. Also he is very modest. Mostly we talked about things personal. But occasionally there were remarks like, &quot;How the hell ''does'' democracy work, anyway?&quot; This was not, I hasten to add, said with any lack of faith. The mayor is a very gregarious man, and he loves people; especially he loves those who have fought their way out of a bad environment. What he hates most are stuffy people.
** p. 562

* New York City has more trees (2,400,000) than houses, and it makes 18,200,000 telephone calls a day of which about 125,000 are wrong numbers. Its rate of divorces is the lowest of any big American city, less than a tenth of that of Baltimore for instance, and even less than that in the surrounding countryside. One of its hotels, built largely over railway tracks, has an assessed valuation of $22,500,000 (there are 124 buildings valued at more than a million dollars in Manhattan alone), and it is probably the only city in the world that still maintains sheriff's juries and has five district attorneys. New York City has such admirable institutions as New School for Social Research, the Council on Foreign Relations, Cooper Union, the Museum of Modern Art, and a black market in illegitimate babies. It has 492 playgrounds, more than 11,000 restaurants, 2,800 churches, and the largest store in the world, Macy's, which wrote 40,328,836 sales checks in 1944, and serves more than 150,000 customers a day. It has the Great White Way, bad manners, 33,000 schoolteachers (average pay $3,803) and 500 boy gangs.
** p. 577

* New York makes three-quarters of all the fur coats in the country, and its slang and mode of speech can change hour by hour. It has New York University, a wholly private institution which is the second-largest university in the country, 13,800 Jews in its student body, 12,000 Protestants, and 7,200 Catholics, and a great municipal institution, the City College of the College of the City of New York, one of four famous city colleges. In New York people drink 14 million gallons of hard liquor a year, and smoke 20 billion cigarettes. It has 301,850 dogs, and one of its unsolved murders is the political assassination of Carlo Tresca. New York has 9,371 taxis and more than 700 parks. Its budget runs to $175,000,000 for education alone, and it drinks 3,500,000 quarts of milk a day. The average New York family (in normal times) moves once every eighteen months, and more than 2,200,000 New Yorkers belong to the Associated Hospital Service. New York has a birth every five minutes, and a marriage every seven. It has &quot;more Norwegian-born citizens than Tromsoe and Narvik put together,&quot; and only one railroad, the New York Central, has the perpetual right to enter it by land. It has 22,000 soda fountains, and 112 tons of soot fall per square mile every month, which is why your face is dirty.
** p. 577

* Fiorello Henrico LaGuardia, the most spectacular mayor the greatest city in the world has ever had, has characteristics and qualities so obvious that they are known to everyone- the volatile realism, the rubble-supple grin, the flamboyant energy, the zest for honesty in public life, the occasional vulgarisms, the common sense. But the mayor I spent these uninterrupted hours with showed more conspicuously some qualities for which he is not so widely known. He picked what he called a &quot;desk day&quot; for me to sit in on. He did not inspect a single fish market or visit a single fire. What he did was work at his major job, administration of the city of New York. What he did was to govern, to put in a routine day as an executive.
** p. 578

* Fiorello H. LaGuardia is one of the most original, most useful, and most stimulating men American public life has ever known.
** p. 588

* Famously the South is the land of demagogues, of cumulus-cloudy politicians who emit wads of opaque cotton every time they open their mouths. Think back a little, to the time when men now mostly forgotten were household names- &quot;Cotton Ed&quot; Smith of South Carolina, who was probably the worst senator who ever lived, no mean honor; Tom Watson of Georgia and Tom Heflin of Alabama, one of the most fanatic reactionaries in American history, especially about things religious; John Sharp Williams of Mississippi, Cole L. Blease of South Carolina, one of the typical &quot;spittoon senators,&quot; and of course Huey Long of Louisiana.
** p. 675

* In Athens, Alabama, in August, 1946, two white boys and a Negro had a scuffle. An honest white policeman refused to arrest the Negro, on the ground that he was not the aggressor; he did arrest the whites. A mob numbering between 1,800 and 2,000 thereupon stormed the city hall, forced the release of the white boys, and began to riot; Negroes were chased off the streets and between fifty and one hundred were injured. When order was restored nine whites were taken into custody on charges of &quot;unlawful assembly.&quot; They were released later. Eight were teen-agers; the youngest, thirteen years old, &quot;carried a club and knocked Negroes down.&quot;
** p. 685

* On February 12, 1946, a Negro veteran named Isaac Woodard, who had received his honorable discharge papers only a few hour before and who was still in uniform, took a bus at Atlanta for his home in South Carolina. When the bus stopped at a hamlet Woodard asked the driver if he could go to a rest room. The driver refused and a violent quarrel ensued. At the next stop, Batesburg, South Carolina, the driver called a policeman, saying that Woodard had made a disturbance; the policeman took him off the bus, started beating him, carted him off to jail, and ''ground out his eyes'' with the end of his club. This case too became a country-wide scandal. A mass rally held in the Lewisohn Stadium in New York raised a purse of $22,000 for the blinded veteran. It did not restore his vision. Attorney General Clark and the FBI instituted an investigation, after much public clamor, and the Batesburg police officer was identified, arrested, and brought to trial. His name was, and is, Lynwood E. Shull. The charge, brought &quot;in a criminal information filed by the Department of Justice,&quot; was that Shull violated Woodard's &quot;civil rights&quot; by beating him. Shull's reply was that he had acted in self-defense. A United States district court jury acquitted Shull in half an hour.
** p. 686

* Another type of mob outrage sometimes occurs in the South; clandestine or &quot;underground&quot; lynching in which a Negro who has broken taboos simply disappears. There is no ''corpus derilicti'', and no scandal. The body is never found, and people say that the victim has &quot;moved&quot; somewhere. For a time members of the Ku-Klux Klan were most distinguished for this kind of affair.
** p. 686

* The effect of World War II is one point worth noting. Almost every victim of lynching since the war has been a veteran. The Negro community is probably more unified today, more politically vehement, more aggressive in its demand for full citizenship- even in the South- than at any other time in history. Roughly one million Negroes entered the armed services. They moved around and saw things; they were exposed to danger and learned what their rights were; overseas, many were treated decently and democratically by whites for the first time in their lives; the consequent fermentations have been explosive. Also since Negroes were presumably fighting for democratic principles on the international plane, it was difficult to keep them from wondering why the same principles were not applied at home. It wasn't easy for an intelligent Negro to accept that he was fighting for democracy- in a largely Jim Crow army. The glaring crudity of this paradox became the more striking as the war went on. One famous remark is that of the Negro soldier returning across the Pacific from Okinawa. &quot;''Our'' fight for freedom,&quot; he said, &quot;begins when we get to San Francisco.&quot;
** p. 687

* One familiar Southern attitude is, &quot;The Negro is ''our'' problem. We have to live with it, and let ''us'' solve it.&quot; Also Southerners say, &quot;You can never understand it.&quot; Indeed, interference or advice from the North is tenaciously resented. Yet, no matter what the South may have done of itself, the record would certainly seem to indicate that it is not enough. Another familiar phenomenon is the &quot;vicious circle&quot; attitude. People refuse to give opportunities to a Negro, on the a priori assumption that he cannot make use of them, blaming him all the while. The pattern becomes, &quot;We cannot train Negroes for this type of work, since they won't be able to do it if we train them!&quot;
** p. 698

* One thing, it would seem, is certain. The days of treating Negroes like sheep are done with. They cannot be maintained indefinitely in a submerged position, because the overwhelming bulk of white Americans are, in the last analysis, decent minded, and because of education. It is impossible at this stage to halt education among Negroes. But the more you educate, the more you make inevitable a closer participation by Negroes in American life as a whole. In slightly different terms, this is the problem that the British Empire has faced in various colonial areas; once mass education gets under way the route to freedom becomes open, and the more you educate, the more impossible it becomes to block this road. The United States must either terminate education among Negroes, an impossibility, or prepare to accept the eventual consequences, that is, Negro equality under democracy. There will never be a &quot;solution&quot; to the Negro problem satisfactory to everybody. But improvements, no matter how fitful, must continue if American democracy itself is to survive. Discrimination not only contaminates the Negro community; it contaminates the white as well. There were people in the Middle Ages who thought that the bubonic plague would not spread to their own precious selves. But there is no immunity to certain types of disease. A cancer will destroy the body, unless cured.
** p. 704

* Incontestably what runs Virginia is the Byrd machine, the most urbane and genteel dictatorship in America. A real machine it is, though Senator Harry Flood Byrd himself faced more opposition in 1946 than at any time in his long, suave, and distinguished public career. Virginia is, of course, &quot;the mother of states&quot;; it is one of four in the union to call itself a commonwealth, and it has produced eight presidents, more than any other state. Its history goes back to Jamestown, the first Anglo-Saxon settlement in America, in 1607; the colony was named for Elizabeth, the virgin queen, and its citizens established an effective representative government several years before the Puritans in New England. Ever since it has prided itself on aristocratic tradition, a seasoned attitude toward public life, administrative decency, and firm attachment to the regime of law. Virginia breeds no Huey Longs or Talmadges; its respect for the forms of order is deeply engrained. One subsidiary point is that Virginians, it seems, were not so philoprogenitive as their New England counterparts. Boston, as we know, choked with Cabots, Adamses, and Lowells. But there are no Washingtons in Richmond; George Washington, as a matter of fact, left no children. Jefferson had direct descendants, but none with the name Jefferson play any consequential role in Virginia life today. There are no Madisons, Monroes, descendants of John Marshall or Patrick Henry, or even Lees, in the contemporary political arena.
** p. 705

* The West Virginia motto is ''Montani semper liberi'', and the state is one of the most mountainous in the country; sometimes it is called the &quot;little Switzerland&quot; of America, and once I heard an irreverent local citizen call it the &quot;Afghanistan of the United States.&quot; The precipitous upland nature of the terrain makes naturally for three things: (1) poor communications; (2) fierce sectionalism; (3) comparatively little agriculture. West Virginia lies mostly in the Ohio orbit; all but eight of its counties drain into the Ohio River, and a pressing problem is strip mining, as in Ohio. On the other hand, the state has, it is hardly necessary to point out, little of the prodigious urban development of Ohio, and at the same time no great rural blocs such as those that dominate the Ohio legislature. The pull of Pennsylvania is also very strong, particularly near Wheeling which, like Pittsburgh hard by, is based on steel. Finally, in this geographical realm, one should not think of West Virginia as being &quot;western&quot; Virginia. It is a totally distinct and separate entity. Virginians themselves, as a matter of fact, pay almost no attention nowadays to their craggy neighbor.
** p. 715

* The more one looks back to it, the more noteworthy it all seems. It is easy to be wise after the event; it is also (as somebody once said) wise. In almost every respect the career of Huey Long parallels that of the modern European dictator-tyrant, the Hitler or Mussolini. Huey Long, had he lived, might very well have brought Fascism to America.
** p. 809

* There are at least four main points to be made about the Lone Star State all at once. It does not properly belong to the South, the West, or even the Southwest; it is an empire, an entity, totally its own.
** p. 814

* American scientists are ceaselessly attacking in every sphere the frontiers of the unknown; American economists and social engineers have at hand techniques that can forestall a new depression; there is no valid reason why the American people cannot work out an evolution in which freedom and security are combined. Creative good will, coherent large-minded planning, clarity of vision, a grasp of the realities of the nation as a whole, spring-mindedness, education and more education, a fixed national purpose to make out of contemporary civilization weapons that will cure, not kill- all this is possible. In a curious way it is earlier, not later, than we think. The fact that a third of the nation is ill-housed and ill-fed is, in simple fact, not so much a dishonor as a challenge. What Americans have to do is enlarge the dimensions of the democratic process. This country is, I once heard it put, &quot;lousy with greatness&quot;- with not only the greatest responsibilities but with the greatest opportunities ever known to man.
** p. 920

== ''Roosevelt in Retrospect: A Profile in History'' (1950) ==

* Franklin Delano Roosevelt, thirty-second President of the United States and Chief Executive from 1933 to 1945, the architect of the New Deal and the director of victory in World War II, Franklin Delano Roosevelt who is still both loved and hated as passionately as if he were still alive, was born in Hyde Park, New York, in 1882, and died in Warm Springs, Georgia, in 1945. It was his fate, through what concentration of forces no man can know, to be President during both the greatest depression and the greatest war the world has ever known. He was a cripple- and he licked them both.
** p. 3

* To a supreme degree Roosevelt had five qualifications for statesmanship: (a) courage; (b) patience, and an infinitely subtle sense of timing; (c) the capacity to see the very great in the very small, to relate the infinitesimal particular to the all-embracing general; (d) idealism, and a sense of fixed objectives; (e) the ability to give resolution to the minds of men. Also he had plenty of bad qualities- dilatoriness, two-sidedness (some critics would say plain dishonesty), pettiness in some personal relationships, inability to say No, love of improvisation, garrulousness, amateurism, and what has been called &quot;cheerful vindictiveness.&quot; Amateurism?- in a particular way, yes. But do not forget that he was the most masterfully expert practical politician ever to function in this republic.
** p. 5

* One of FDR's most heart-warming qualities was his almost illimitable gift for friendship, which arose out of his idealism, his innate delight in life, and his generosity. His friends were of the widest possible variety, from formidable old crustaceans like Admiral King to courageous, incisive women like Anna Rosenberg to columnists like Walter Winchell.
** p. 81

* If anybody ever doubted that Roosevelt was a good bluffer, events after Pearl Harbor should set the record straight. For almost a year the United States had no fleet worthy of the name in the Pacific, but no one, least of all the Japanese, ever caught on to how miserably defenseless we really were.
** p. 324  

* Roosevelt was a man of his times, and what times they were!- chaotic, catastrophic, revolutionary, epochal- he was President during the greatest emergency in the history of mankind, and he never let history- or mankind- down. His very defects reflected the unprecedented strains and stresses of the decades he lived in. But he took history in his stride; he had vision and gallantry enough, oomph and zip and debonair benevolence enough, to foresee the supreme crises of our era, overcome them, and lead the nation out of the worst dangers it has ever faced. Roosevelt was the greatest political campaigner and the greatest vote getter in American history. Thirty-one out of forty-eight states voted for him each of the four times he ran. His influence, far from having diminished since his death, has probably increased. When Mr. Truman won his surprising victory in 1948, which was made possible in part by the political influence left behind by FDR, it was altogether fitting that a London newspaper should head its story, &quot;Roosevelt's Fifth Term.&quot;
** p. 378

* Roosevelt believed in social justice- and fought for it- he gave hope and faith to the masses, and knew that the masses are the foundation of American democracy. He turned the cornucopia of American resource upside down and made it serve almost everybody. Mrs. Roosevelt has said that in the course of his whole career there was never any deviation from his original objective- &quot;to make life better for the average man, woman, and child.&quot; I have heard men of the utmost sober conservatism say that they think FDR saved the country from overt revolution in 1932. He created the pattern of the modern democratic state, and made it function. To be a reformer alone is not enough. A reformer must make reform effective. This certainly Roosevelt did.
** p. 378

* Also, Roosevelt's career nicely disproves an essential constituent of Marxism, namely the principle of class war. His entire life refutes the Marxist thesis. He was a rich man and an aristocrat; but he did more for the underpossessed than any American who ever lived. Moreover, as we know, FDR always operated within the framework of full democracy and civil liberties. He believed devoutly in the American political tradition. Much of the world outside the United States during his prodigious administrations had political liberty without economic security; some had security but no liberty. Roosevelt gave both. Mr. Roosevelt was the greatest war president in American history; it was he, almost singlehanded, who created the climate of the nation whereby we were able to fight at all. Beyond this he brought the United States to full citizenship in the world as a partner in the peace. He set up the frame in which a durable peace might have been written and a new world order established; if he had lived to fill in the picture contemporary history might be very different. Above all, FDR was an educator. He expanded and enlarged the role of the Presidency as no president before him ever did. &quot;The first duty of a statesman is to educate,&quot; he said in his Commonwealth Club speech back in 1932. He established what amounted to a new relationship between president and people; he turned the White House into a teacher's desk, a pulpit; he taught the people of the United States how the operations of government might be applied for their own good; he made government a much abler process, on the whole, than it has ever been before; he gave citizens intimate acquaintanceship with the realities of political power, and made politics the close inalienable possession of the man in every street. One result of all this is that the President, though dead, is still alive. Millions of Americans will continue to vote for Roosevelt as long as ''they'' live.
** p. 379

== Quotes about Gunther ==

[[Category:1901 births]]
[[Category:1970 deaths]]
[[Category:Authors from the United States]]</text>
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      <text bytes="26200" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:John Gunther|John Gunther]]''' (August 30, 1901 &amp;ndash; May 29, 1970) was an [[Americans|American]] journalist and author.

His success came primarily by a series of popular sociopolitical works, known as the &quot;Inside&quot; books (1936&amp;ndash;1972), including the best-selling ''[[Inside U.S.A. (book)|Inside U.S.A.]]'' in 1947. However, he is now best known for his memoir ''[[Death Be Not Proud (book)|Death Be Not Proud]]'', on the death of his beloved teenage son, Johnny Gunther, from a [[brain tumor]].

== Quotes ==

== ''Inside U.S.A.'' (1947) ==

* So now we come to New York City, the incomparable, the brilliant star city of parodies, the forty-ninth state, a law unto itself, the Cyclopean paradox, the inferno with no out-of-bounds, the supreme expression of both the miseries and the splendors of contemporary civilization, the Macedonia of the United States. It meets the most severe test that may be applied to definition of a metropolis- it stays up all night. But also it becomes a small town when it rains. Paradox? New York is at once the climactic synthesis of America, and yet the negation of American in that it has so many characteristics called un-American. One friend of mine, indignant that it seems impossible for any American city to develop on the pattern of Paris or Vienna, always says that Manhattan is like Constantinople- not the Instanbul of old Stamboul but of the Pera or Levantine side. He meant not merely the trite fact that New York is polygot, but that it is full of people, like the Levantines, who are interested basically in only two things, living well and making money. I would prefer a different analogy- that only Instanbul, of all the cities in the world, has as enchanting and stimulating a profile.
** p. 549

* New York is the publishing center of the nation; it is the art, theater, musical, ballet, operatic center; it is the opinion center; it is the radio center; it is the style center. Hollywood? Hollywood is nothing more than a suburb of the Bronx, both financially and from a view of talent. Politically, socially, in the world of ideas and in the whole world of entertainment, which is a great American industry needless to say, New York sets the tone and pace of the entire nation. What books 140 million Americans will read is largely determined by New York reviewers. Most of the serious newspaper columns originate in or near New York; so do most of the gossip columns, which condition Americans from Mobile to Puget Sound to the same patterns of social behavior. In a broad variety of fields, from serous drama to what you will hear on a jukebox, it is what New York says that counts; New York Opinion is the hallmark of both intellectual and material success; to be accepted in this nation, New York acceptance must come first. I do not assert that this is necessarily a good thing. I say merely that it is true. One reason for all this is that New York, with its richly cosmopolitan population, provides such an appreciative audience. It admires artistic quality. It has a fine inward gleam for talent. Also New York is a wonderfully opulent center for bogus culture. One of its chief industries might be said to be the manufacture of reputations, many of them fraudulent.
** p. 549-550

* More than anywhere else in this book, the author must now steer between Scylla and Charybdis, between saying too much and too little. How can we talk about the Statue of Liberty without seeming ridiculously supererogatory? But how can we omit Brooklyn Bridge and still give a fair, comprehensive picture? One must either take the space to mention something that everybody knows everything about, or else risk omission of things that everybody will think ought to be included. Park Avenue in summer near Grand Central, a thin quivering asphalt shelf, and the asphalt soft, a thin quivering layer of street separating the automobiles above from the trains below; avenues as homespun with small exquisite shops as Madison and streets as magnificent as 57th; the fat black automobiles doubleparked on Fifth Avenue on sleety afternoons; kibitzers watching strenuously to see if the man running will really catch the bus; bridges soaring and slim as needles like the George Washington; the incomparable moment at dusk when the edges of tall buildings melt invisibly into the sky, so that nothing of them can be seen except the lighted windows; the way the pace of everything accelerates near Christmas; how the avenues will be cleared of snow and actually dry a day after a six-inch fall, while the side streets are banked solid with sticky drifts; how the noon sun makes luminous spots on the rounded tops of automobiles, crowded together on the slope of Park Avenue so that they look like seashells; the shop that delivers chocolates by horse- all this is too familiar to mention.
** p. 551

* It is a proud boast of New York that, what with its enormous pools of foreign-born, any article or object known in the world may be found there. You can buy anything from Malabar spices to stamps from Mauritius to Shakespeare folios. A stall on Seventh Avenue sells about a hundred different varieties of razor blades. Also it is incomparably the greatest manufacturing town on earth; in an average year it produces goods valued at more than four billion dollars.
** p. 553

* I went down to the City Hall the other day and had an hour with O'Dwyer after not having seen him for several years. He is a shade grayer, a shade stockier, and still a grand man to talk to- easy-going, bluff, friendly, and informal. He wore a light brown sports jacket; he was as relaxed- working a fourteen-hour day- as a character in ''A Crock of Gold''. O'Dwyer has heavy, very short, blunt fingers, a decisive nose, and expressive, eloquent blue eyes. He is full of Irish wit and bounce. Also he is very modest. Mostly we talked about things personal. But occasionally there were remarks like, &quot;How the hell ''does'' democracy work, anyway?&quot; This was not, I hasten to add, said with any lack of faith. The mayor is a very gregarious man, and he loves people; especially he loves those who have fought their way out of a bad environment. What he hates most are stuffy people.
** p. 562

* New York City has more trees (2,400,000) than houses, and it makes 18,200,000 telephone calls a day of which about 125,000 are wrong numbers. Its rate of divorces is the lowest of any big American city, less than a tenth of that of Baltimore for instance, and even less than that in the surrounding countryside. One of its hotels, built largely over railway tracks, has an assessed valuation of $22,500,000 (there are 124 buildings valued at more than a million dollars in Manhattan alone), and it is probably the only city in the world that still maintains sheriff's juries and has five district attorneys. New York City has such admirable institutions as New School for Social Research, the Council on Foreign Relations, Cooper Union, the Museum of Modern Art, and a black market in illegitimate babies. It has 492 playgrounds, more than 11,000 restaurants, 2,800 churches, and the largest store in the world, Macy's, which wrote 40,328,836 sales checks in 1944, and serves more than 150,000 customers a day. It has the Great White Way, bad manners, 33,000 schoolteachers (average pay $3,803) and 500 boy gangs.
** p. 577

* New York makes three-quarters of all the fur coats in the country, and its slang and mode of speech can change hour by hour. It has New York University, a wholly private institution which is the second-largest university in the country, 13,800 Jews in its student body, 12,000 Protestants, and 7,200 Catholics, and a great municipal institution, the City College of the College of the City of New York, one of four famous city colleges. In New York people drink 14 million gallons of hard liquor a year, and smoke 20 billion cigarettes. It has 301,850 dogs, and one of its unsolved murders is the political assassination of Carlo Tresca. New York has 9,371 taxis and more than 700 parks. Its budget runs to $175,000,000 for education alone, and it drinks 3,500,000 quarts of milk a day. The average New York family (in normal times) moves once every eighteen months, and more than 2,200,000 New Yorkers belong to the Associated Hospital Service. New York has a birth every five minutes, and a marriage every seven. It has &quot;more Norwegian-born citizens than Tromsoe and Narvik put together,&quot; and only one railroad, the New York Central, has the perpetual right to enter it by land. It has 22,000 soda fountains, and 112 tons of soot fall per square mile every month, which is why your face is dirty.
** p. 577

* Fiorello Henrico LaGuardia, the most spectacular mayor the greatest city in the world has ever had, has characteristics and qualities so obvious that they are known to everyone- the volatile realism, the rubble-supple grin, the flamboyant energy, the zest for honesty in public life, the occasional vulgarisms, the common sense. But the mayor I spent these uninterrupted hours with showed more conspicuously some qualities for which he is not so widely known. He picked what he called a &quot;desk day&quot; for me to sit in on. He did not inspect a single fish market or visit a single fire. What he did was work at his major job, administration of the city of New York. What he did was to govern, to put in a routine day as an executive.
** p. 578

* Fiorello H. LaGuardia is one of the most original, most useful, and most stimulating men American public life has ever known.
** p. 588

* Famously the South is the land of demagogues, of cumulus-cloudy politicians who emit wads of opaque cotton every time they open their mouths. Think back a little, to the time when men now mostly forgotten were household names- &quot;Cotton Ed&quot; Smith of South Carolina, who was probably the worst senator who ever lived, no mean honor; Tom Watson of Georgia and Tom Heflin of Alabama, one of the most fanatic reactionaries in American history, especially about things religious; John Sharp Williams of Mississippi, Cole L. Blease of South Carolina, one of the typical &quot;spittoon senators,&quot; and of course Huey Long of Louisiana.
** p. 675

* In Athens, Alabama, in August, 1946, two white boys and a Negro had a scuffle. An honest white policeman refused to arrest the Negro, on the ground that he was not the aggressor; he did arrest the whites. A mob numbering between 1,800 and 2,000 thereupon stormed the city hall, forced the release of the white boys, and began to riot; Negroes were chased off the streets and between fifty and one hundred were injured. When order was restored nine whites were taken into custody on charges of &quot;unlawful assembly.&quot; They were released later. Eight were teen-agers; the youngest, thirteen years old, &quot;carried a club and knocked Negroes down.&quot;
** p. 685

* On February 12, 1946, a Negro veteran named Isaac Woodard, who had received his honorable discharge papers only a few hour before and who was still in uniform, took a bus at Atlanta for his home in South Carolina. When the bus stopped at a hamlet Woodard asked the driver if he could go to a rest room. The driver refused and a violent quarrel ensued. At the next stop, Batesburg, South Carolina, the driver called a policeman, saying that Woodard had made a disturbance; the policeman took him off the bus, started beating him, carted him off to jail, and ''ground out his eyes'' with the end of his club. This case too became a country-wide scandal. A mass rally held in the Lewisohn Stadium in New York raised a purse of $22,000 for the blinded veteran. It did not restore his vision. Attorney General Clark and the FBI instituted an investigation, after much public clamor, and the Batesburg police officer was identified, arrested, and brought to trial. His name was, and is, Lynwood E. Shull. The charge, brought &quot;in a criminal information filed by the Department of Justice,&quot; was that Shull violated Woodard's &quot;civil rights&quot; by beating him. Shull's reply was that he had acted in self-defense. A United States district court jury acquitted Shull in half an hour.
** p. 686

* Another type of mob outrage sometimes occurs in the South; clandestine or &quot;underground&quot; lynching in which a Negro who has broken taboos simply disappears. There is no ''corpus derilicti'', and no scandal. The body is never found, and people say that the victim has &quot;moved&quot; somewhere. For a time members of the Ku-Klux Klan were most distinguished for this kind of affair.
** p. 686

* The effect of World War II is one point worth noting. Almost every victim of lynching since the war has been a veteran. The Negro community is probably more unified today, more politically vehement, more aggressive in its demand for full citizenship- even in the South- than at any other time in history. Roughly one million Negroes entered the armed services. They moved around and saw things; they were exposed to danger and learned what their rights were; overseas, many were treated decently and democratically by whites for the first time in their lives; the consequent fermentations have been explosive. Also since Negroes were presumably fighting for democratic principles on the international plane, it was difficult to keep them from wondering why the same principles were not applied at home. It wasn't easy for an intelligent Negro to accept that he was fighting for democracy- in a largely Jim Crow army. The glaring crudity of this paradox became the more striking as the war went on. One famous remark is that of the Negro soldier returning across the Pacific from Okinawa. &quot;''Our'' fight for freedom,&quot; he said, &quot;begins when we get to San Francisco.&quot;
** p. 687

* One familiar Southern attitude is, &quot;The Negro is ''our'' problem. We have to live with it, and let ''us'' solve it.&quot; Also Southerners say, &quot;You can never understand it.&quot; Indeed, interference or advice from the North is tenaciously resented. Yet, no matter what the South may have done of itself, the record would certainly seem to indicate that it is not enough. Another familiar phenomenon is the &quot;vicious circle&quot; attitude. People refuse to give opportunities to a Negro, on the a priori assumption that he cannot make use of them, blaming him all the while. The pattern becomes, &quot;We cannot train Negroes for this type of work, since they won't be able to do it if we train them!&quot;
** p. 698

* One thing, it would seem, is certain. The days of treating Negroes like sheep are done with. They cannot be maintained indefinitely in a submerged position, because the overwhelming bulk of white Americans are, in the last analysis, decent minded, and because of education. It is impossible at this stage to halt education among Negroes. But the more you educate, the more you make inevitable a closer participation by Negroes in American life as a whole. In slightly different terms, this is the problem that the British Empire has faced in various colonial areas; once mass education gets under way the route to freedom becomes open, and the more you educate, the more impossible it becomes to block this road. The United States must either terminate education among Negroes, an impossibility, or prepare to accept the eventual consequences, that is, Negro equality under democracy. There will never be a &quot;solution&quot; to the Negro problem satisfactory to everybody. But improvements, no matter how fitful, must continue if American democracy itself is to survive. Discrimination not only contaminates the Negro community; it contaminates the white as well. There were people in the Middle Ages who thought that the bubonic plague would not spread to their own precious selves. But there is no immunity to certain types of disease. A cancer will destroy the body, unless cured.
** p. 704

* Incontestably what runs Virginia is the Byrd machine, the most urbane and genteel dictatorship in America. A real machine it is, though Senator Harry Flood Byrd himself faced more opposition in 1946 than at any time in his long, suave, and distinguished public career. Virginia is, of course, &quot;the mother of states&quot;; it is one of four in the union to call itself a commonwealth, and it has produced eight presidents, more than any other state. Its history goes back to Jamestown, the first Anglo-Saxon settlement in America, in 1607; the colony was named for Elizabeth, the virgin queen, and its citizens established an effective representative government several years before the Puritans in New England. Ever since it has prided itself on aristocratic tradition, a seasoned attitude toward public life, administrative decency, and firm attachment to the regime of law. Virginia breeds no Huey Longs or Talmadges; its respect for the forms of order is deeply engrained. One subsidiary point is that Virginians, it seems, were not so philoprogenitive as their New England counterparts. Boston, as we know, choked with Cabots, Adamses, and Lowells. But there are no Washingtons in Richmond; George Washington, as a matter of fact, left no children. Jefferson had direct descendants, but none with the name Jefferson play any consequential role in Virginia life today. There are no Madisons, Monroes, descendants of John Marshall or Patrick Henry, or even Lees, in the contemporary political arena.
** p. 705

* The West Virginia motto is ''Montani semper liberi'', and the state is one of the most mountainous in the country; sometimes it is called the &quot;little Switzerland&quot; of America, and once I heard an irreverent local citizen call it the &quot;Afghanistan of the United States.&quot; The precipitous upland nature of the terrain makes naturally for three things: (1) poor communications; (2) fierce sectionalism; (3) comparatively little agriculture. West Virginia lies mostly in the Ohio orbit; all but eight of its counties drain into the Ohio River, and a pressing problem is strip mining, as in Ohio. On the other hand, the state has, it is hardly necessary to point out, little of the prodigious urban development of Ohio, and at the same time no great rural blocs such as those that dominate the Ohio legislature. The pull of Pennsylvania is also very strong, particularly near Wheeling which, like Pittsburgh hard by, is based on steel. Finally, in this geographical realm, one should not think of West Virginia as being &quot;western&quot; Virginia. It is a totally distinct and separate entity. Virginians themselves, as a matter of fact, pay almost no attention nowadays to their craggy neighbor.
** p. 715

* The more one looks back to it, the more noteworthy it all seems. It is easy to be wise after the event; it is also (as somebody once said) wise. In almost every respect the career of Huey Long parallels that of the modern European dictator-tyrant, the Hitler or Mussolini. Huey Long, had he lived, might very well have brought Fascism to America.
** p. 809

* There are at least four main points to be made about the Lone Star State all at once. It does not properly belong to the South, the West, or even the Southwest; it is an empire, an entity, totally its own.
** p. 814

* American scientists are ceaselessly attacking in every sphere the frontiers of the unknown; American economists and social engineers have at hand techniques that can forestall a new depression; there is no valid reason why the American people cannot work out an evolution in which freedom and security are combined. Creative good will, coherent large-minded planning, clarity of vision, a grasp of the realities of the nation as a whole, spring-mindedness, education and more education, a fixed national purpose to make out of contemporary civilization weapons that will cure, not kill- all this is possible. In a curious way it is earlier, not later, than we think. The fact that a third of the nation is ill-housed and ill-fed is, in simple fact, not so much a dishonor as a challenge. What Americans have to do is enlarge the dimensions of the democratic process. This country is, I once heard it put, &quot;lousy with greatness&quot;- with not only the greatest responsibilities but with the greatest opportunities ever known to man.
** p. 920

== ''Roosevelt in Retrospect: A Profile in History'' (1950) ==

* Franklin Delano Roosevelt, thirty-second President of the United States and Chief Executive from 1933 to 1945, the architect of the New Deal and the director of victory in World War II, Franklin Delano Roosevelt who is still both loved and hated as passionately as if he were still alive, was born in Hyde Park, New York, in 1882, and died in Warm Springs, Georgia, in 1945. It was his fate, through what concentration of forces no man can know, to be President during both the greatest depression and the greatest war the world has ever known. He was a cripple- and he licked them both.
** p. 3

* To a supreme degree Roosevelt had five qualifications for statesmanship: (a) courage; (b) patience, and an infinitely subtle sense of timing; (c) the capacity to see the very great in the very small, to relate the infinitesimal particular to the all-embracing general; (d) idealism, and a sense of fixed objectives; (e) the ability to give resolution to the minds of men. Also he had plenty of bad qualities- dilatoriness, two-sidedness (some critics would say plain dishonesty), pettiness in some personal relationships, inability to say No, love of improvisation, garrulousness, amateurism, and what has been called &quot;cheerful vindictiveness.&quot; Amateurism?- in a particular way, yes. But do not forget that he was the most masterfully expert practical politician ever to function in this republic.
** p. 5

* One of FDR's most heart-warming qualities was his almost illimitable gift for friendship, which arose out of his idealism, his innate delight in life, and his generosity. His friends were of the widest possible variety, from formidable old crustaceans like Admiral King to courageous, incisive women like Anna Rosenberg to columnists like Walter Winchell.
** p. 81

* If anybody ever doubted that Roosevelt was a good bluffer, events after Pearl Harbor should set the record straight. For almost a year the United States had no fleet worthy of the name in the Pacific, but no one, least of all the Japanese, ever caught on to how miserably defenseless we really were.
** p. 324  

* Roosevelt was a man of his times, and what times they were!- chaotic, catastrophic, revolutionary, epochal- he was President during the greatest emergency in the history of mankind, and he never let history- or mankind- down. His very defects reflected the unprecedented strains and stresses of the decades he lived in. But he took history in his stride; he had vision and gallantry enough, oomph and zip and debonair benevolence enough, to foresee the supreme crises of our era, overcome them, and lead the nation out of the worst dangers it has ever faced. Roosevelt was the greatest political campaigner and the greatest vote getter in American history. Thirty-one out of forty-eight states voted for him each of the four times he ran. His influence, far from having diminished since his death, has probably increased. When Mr. Truman won his surprising victory in 1948, which was made possible in part by the political influence left behind by FDR, it was altogether fitting that a London newspaper should head its story, &quot;Roosevelt's Fifth Term.&quot;
** p. 378

* Roosevelt believed in social justice- and fought for it- he gave hope and faith to the masses, and knew that the masses are the foundation of American democracy. He turned the cornucopia of American resource upside down and made it serve almost everybody. Mrs. Roosevelt has said that in the course of his whole career there was never any deviation from his original objective- &quot;to make life better for the average man, woman, and child.&quot; I have heard men of the utmost sober conservatism say that they think FDR saved the country from overt revolution in 1932. He created the pattern of the modern democratic state, and made it function. To be a reformer alone is not enough. A reformer must make reform effective. This certainly Roosevelt did.
** p. 378

* Also, Roosevelt's career nicely disproves an essential constituent of Marxism, namely the principle of class war. His entire life refutes the Marxist thesis. He was a rich man and an aristocrat; but he did more for the underpossessed than any American who ever lived. Moreover, as we know, FDR always operated within the framework of full democracy and civil liberties. He believed devoutly in the American political tradition. Much of the world outside the United States during his prodigious administrations had political liberty without economic security; some had security but no liberty. Roosevelt gave both. Mr. Roosevelt was the greatest war president in American history; it was he, almost singlehanded, who created the climate of the nation whereby we were able to fight at all. Beyond this he brought the United States to full citizenship in the world as a partner in the peace. He set up the frame in which a durable peace might have been written and a new world order established; if he had lived to fill in the picture contemporary history might be very different. Above all, FDR was an educator. He expanded and enlarged the role of the Presidency as no president before him ever did. &quot;The first duty of a statesman is to educate,&quot; he said in his Commonwealth Club speech back in 1932. He established what amounted to a new relationship between president and people; he turned the White House into a teacher's desk, a pulpit; he taught the people of the United States how the operations of government might be applied for their own good; he made government a much abler process, on the whole, than it has ever been before; he gave citizens intimate acquaintanceship with the realities of political power, and made politics the close inalienable possession of the man in every street. One result of all this is that the President, though dead, is still alive. Millions of Americans will continue to vote for Roosevelt as long as ''they'' live.
** p. 379

== Quotes about Gunther ==

[[Category:1901 births]]
[[Category:1970 deaths]]
[[Category:Authors from the United States]]
[[Category:Journalists from the United States]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Last lines in animated films</title>
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      <text bytes="85945" xml:space="preserve">== Animated films ==

* I'm not sure, exactly. But this world is ours now. It's what we make of it.
** Who: 9
** Source: ''[[9 (2009 animated film)|9]]'' (2009)

* Stop attacking me! Why do you always have to attack me now?! Sit, stay, sit!
** Who: King Llort
** Source: ''[[A Troll in Central Park]]'' (1994)

* No laughing. I’m serious.
** Who: Nai Nai
** Source: ''[[Abominable (2019 film)|Abominable]]'' (2019)

* Man, I'm getting out of here.
** Who: [[w:Bing Crosby|Bing Crosby]]
** Source: ''[[The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad]]'' (1949)

* Bye-bye!
** Who: Rocky
** Source: ''[[The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle]]'' (2000)

* He'll be back.
** Who: Charlie B. Barkin
** Source: ''[[All Dogs Go to Heaven]]'' (1989)

* Hey, guys! I worked a little magic.
** Who: David
** Source: ''[[All Dogs Go to Heaven 2]]'' (1996)

* Buh-bye!
** Who: Fievel and Tanya Mousekewitz
** Source: ''[[An American Tail]]'' (1986)

* I think one day you'll find... that you're the hero you've been lookin'for.
** Who: Wylie
** Source: ''[[An American Tail: Fievel Goes West]]'' (1991)

* Huh? Wow!
** Who: Fievel Mousekewitz
** Source: ''[[An American Tail: The Treasure of Manhattan Island]]'' (1998)

* Sweet dreams, my little Fievel. Sweet dreams.
** Who: Mama Mousekewitz
** Source: ''[[An American Tail: The Mystery of the Night Monster]]'' (1999)

* So long, everybody.
** Who: Bartok
** Source: ''[[Anastasia (1997 film)|Anastasia]]'' (1997)

* To the animals, it now seemed that their world, which may or may not some day become a happy place to live in, was worse than ever for ordinary creatures, and another moment had come when they must do something about it...
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Animal Farm (1954 film)|Animal Farm]]'' (1954)

* There you have it. Your average 'boy-meets-girl, boy-likes-girl, boy-changes-underlying-social-order' story. So, what else can I tell you? We rebuilt the colony - it's even better than before, you know, 'cause now it has a very large indoor swimming pool. Bala and I, incidentally, are thinking of starting a family. You know, just a few kids, maybe a million or two to begin with. And I'm, I'm workin' with a new therapist, you know, terrific, absolutely terrific. He's, he's been putting me in touch with my inner maggot, which is helping me a great deal. And, you know, I finally feel like I've found my place. And you know what? It's right back where I started. But the difference is, this time I chose it.
** Who: Z
** Source: ''[[Antz]]'' (1998)

* Wait a minute. I'm the leader. I'll say when it's the end. It's the end.
** Who: Napoleon
** Source: ''[[The Aristocats]]'' (1970)

* So long, folks.
** Who: Bartok
** Source: ''[[Bartok the Magnificent]]'' (1999)

* I am.
** Who: Andrea Beaumont
** Source: ''[[Batman: Mask of the Phantasm]]'' (1993)

* Tool.
** Who: Butt-head
** Source: ''[[Beavis and Butt-head Do America]]'' (1996)

* Between you and me, I was dying to get out of that office.
** Who: Barry Benson
* (post-credits:) I had virtually no rehearsal for that.
** Who: Barry Benson
** Source: ''[[Bee Movie]]'' (2007)

* We didn't set out to be superheroes... But sometimes, life doesn't go the way you planned. The good thing is, my brother wanted to help a lot of people, and that's what we're gonna do. Who are we?
** Who: Hiro Hamada
* (post-credits:) We have a lot to talk about.
** Who: Fred's Dad
** Source: ''[[Big Hero 6]]'' (2014) 

* Nope. I've never seen him before in my life.
** Who: A pigeon
** Source: ''[[Bolt (2008 film)|Bolt]]'' (2008)

* Yep.
** Who: Doli
** Source: ''[[The Black Cauldron (film)|The Black Cauldron]]'' (1985)

* Bye!
** Who: Steve and Blue
** Source: ''[[Blue's Big Musical Movie]]'' (2000)

* Yay! They're staying! Let's do this....
** Who: Scoop
** Source: ''[[Bob The Builder: Mega Machines The Movie]]'' (2017)

* Hi there, baby sister.
** Who: Timothy's daughter
* (mid-credits:) Okay.
** Who: Mrs. Templeton
* (post-credits:) Wake up, little halflings. It's time to leave. Go and live your peasant lives. BE GONE WITH YOU!
** Who: Wizzie
** Source: ''[[The Boss Baby]]'' (2017)

* There are those who say fate is something beyond our command. That destiny is not our own, but I know better. Our fate lives within us. You only have to be brave enough to see it.
** Who: Merida
* (post-credits:) Delivery! Sign here, sign here! Come on, birdbrain! Haven't got all day!
** Who: The Crow
** Source: ''[[Brave (2012 film)|Brave]]'' (2012)

* My brother Kenai went on to live with Koda and the other bears. He taught me that love is very powerful. And I passed on the wisdom of his story to our people. The story of a boy who became a man...by becoming a bear.
** Who: Old Denahi
* (post-credits) Cut, cut. Ooh.
** Who: Koda
** Source: ''[[Brother Bear]]'' (2003)

* Present stalks! Harvester, salute!
** Who: Thorny
* (in-credits:) Spinning a web of safety in less in 15... Ow!
** Who: P.T.
** Source: ''[[A Bug's Life]]'' (1998)

* TRA-LA-LAAAAAAAA!!!
** Who: Captain Underpants/Mr. Krupp
* (in-credits:) NO!
** Who: Secretary
** Source: ''[[Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie]]'' (2017)

* Get a picture, boys. These kids will be making history!
** Who: L.B. Mammoth
* Hmph!
** Who: Darla Dimple
** Source: ''[[Cats Don't Dance]]'' (1997)

* Wilbur never forgot Charlotte. Although he loved her children and grandchildren dearly, none of the new spiders ever quite took her place in his heart. She was in a class by herself. It's not often that someone comes along who's a true friend and a good writer. Charlotte was both.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Charlotte's Web (1973 film)|Charlotte's Web]]'' (1973)

*Oh, Ace!
**Who: Movie Abby
**Source: ''[[Chicken Little (2005 film)|Chicken Little]]'' (2005)

* Hang on. Let's go over this again?
** Who: Fetcher
* (in-credits:) I don't know.
** Who: Nick
** Source: ''[[Chicken Run]]'' (2000)

* Coco!
** Who: Héctor
** Source: ''[[Coco (2017 film)|Coco]]'' (2017)

* Well, so long, glamor boy!
** Who: Jim Crow
** Source: ''[[Dumbo]]'' (1941)

* I'm so proud of you guys.
** Who: Kronk
** Source: ''[[The Emperor's New Groove]]'' (2000)

* Oh, how cute.
** Who: Yzma
** Source: ''[[Kronk's New Groove]]'' (2005)

* To kindness and love, the things we need most!
** Who: [[w:The Grinch|The Grinch]]
** Source: ''[[The Grinch (film)|Dr. Seuss' The Grinch]]'' (2018)

* Well, come on, Baggy buddy! Let's get back to where we belong. And get with the beat!
** Who: Baloo
** Source: ''[[The Jungle Book (1967 film)|The Jungle Book]]'' (1967)

* Yeah, man!
** Who: Baloo
** Source: ''[[The Jungle Book 2]]'' (2003)

* And so, all ended well for both Horton and Whos. And for all in the jungle, even Kangaroos. So let that be a lesson to one and to all. A person's a person. No matter how small.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Horton Hears a Who! (film)|Dr. Seuss' Horton Hears a Who!]]'' (2008)

* You done good, Beanpole. You done good. By the way, nice mustache.
** Who: [[w:The Lorax|The Lorax]]
** Source: ''[[The Lorax (film)|Dr. Seuss' The Lorax]]'' (2012)

* Somebody! Stop those pants!
** Who: Scrooge McDuck
** Source: ''[[DuckTales|DuckTales the Movie: Treasure of the Lost Lamp]]'' (1990)

* Aw, shit cunt!
** Who: Spanky Ham
** Source: ''[[The Drawn Together Movie: The Movie!]]'' (2010)

* Go fish.
** Who: Smiler
** Source: ''[[The Emoji Movie]]'' (2017)

* Everyone together...
* La Familia Madrigal!
** Who: Abuela Alma Madrigal
** Who 2: The Madrigals
** Source: ''[[Encanto (film)|Encanto]]'' (2021)

* Mmm... that was a good toast.
** Who: Ash
** Source: ''[[Fantastic Mr. Fox (film)|Fantastic Mr. Fox]]'' (2009)

* Yeah, forever.
** Who: Copper
** Source: ''[[The Fox and the Hound]]'' (1981)

* Yeah. Well, good night, Willie. Don't slam the roof. You might wake Mr. Bergen.
** Who: Mortimer
** Source: ''[[Fun and Fancy Free]]'' (1947)

* Enchante, Madamoiselle!
** Who: Goofy
** Source: ''[[A Goofy Movie]]'' (1995)

* You know, somehow I knew you would. Ah-yuck!
** Who: Goofy
** Source: ''[[An Extremely Goofy Movie]]'' (2000)

* Arlo!
** Who: Momma Ida
** Source: ''[[The Good Dinosaur]]'' (2015)

* From that time on, Basil and I were a close team, and over the years we had many cases together. But I shall always look back on that first with the most fondness: My introduction to Basil of Baker Street: ''The Great Mouse Detective.''
** Who: Dawson
** Source: ''[[The Great Mouse Detective]]'' (1986)

* Yeah, things are looking up around here now.
** Who: Pokey
** Source: ''[[Gumby: The Movie]]'' (1995)

* That's Phil's boy!
** Who: The Strong Man
* (post-credits:) What d'ya say? It's happy ending time! Everybody's got a little taste of something, but me! I got nothin'! I'm, I'm here with nothin'! Anybody listenin'? It's like I'm... What am I, an echo or something? Hello? Hello? Am I talking to, what, hyperspace? Hello, it's me! Nobody listens.
** Who: Hades
** Source: ''[[Hercules (1997 film)|Hercules]]'' (1997)

* Show's over, Eugene.
** Who: Gerald Johanssen
** Source: ''[[Hey Arnold!: The Movie]]'' (2002)

* Everybody smile.
** Who: Lucy Tucci
** Source: ''[[Home (2015 film)|Home]]'' (2015) 

* Don't you ever migrate?
** Who: Laverne
* (post-credits:) Good night, everybody! Whoo-hoo-hoo!
** Who: Hugo
** Source: ''[[The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1996 film)|The Hunchback of Notre Dame]]'' (1996)

* And I love Quasimodo!!
** Who: Madellaine
** Source: ''[[The Hunchback of Notre Dame II]]'' (2002)

* We've been through a lot lately, that's for sure. But we still love our girl. She has great new friends, a great new house. Things couldn't be better. After all, Riley's twelve now. What could happen?
** Who: Joy
* (in-credits:) No! Not this again!
** Who: Bus Driver's Emotions
** Source: ''[[Inside Out (2015 film)|Inside Out]]'' (2015)

* See you later.
** Who: Hogarth Hughes
** Source: ''[[The Iron Giant]]'' (1999)

* I take it back.
** Who: Jane
** Source: ''[[Is It College Yet?]]'' (2002)

* Oh!
** Who: Helen
** Source: ''[[Is It Fall Yet?]]'' (2000)

* And that is exactly what you had just seen.
** Who: Old Man
** Source: ''[[James and the Giant Peach]]'' (1996)

* Ah, the fucking autopilot's broke!
** Who: Jay
** Source: ''[[Jay &amp; Silent Bob's Super Groovy Cartoon Movie]]'' (2013)

* Onward, Mr Wiggles. We reach the cafeteria by dawn. Waaaaah!
** Who: Ms. Winifred Fowl
** Source: ''[[Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius (film)|Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius]]'' (2001)

* Listen to them, Soren. They want more stories. Well, come on, you lot. Let's not disappoint them. Ah. There's a good storm brewing. And if we're lucky, I'll be chock full of baggywrinkles.
** Who: Ezylryb
** Source: ''[[Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole]]'' (2010)

* Never too big. You will always be my Little Bear.
** Who: Mother Bear
** Source: ''[[The Little Bear Movie]]'' (2001)

* That does it, Charlie Brown! He is your dog, and you're welcome to him.
** Who: Lucy Van Pelt
** Source: ''[[Snoopy, Come Home]]'' (1972)

* Let's go, bulls!
** Who: [[w:Bill Murray|Bill Murray]]
* (post-credits:) Can l go home now?
** Who: [[w:Michael Jordan|Michael Jordan]]
** Source: ''[[Space Jam]]'' (1996)

* Th-th-th-that's all, folks!
** Who: [[w:Porky Pig|Porky Pig]]
** Source: ''[[Space Jam: A New Legacy]]'' (2021)

* Nice work. See you tomorrow!
** Who: Director
* Go home, folks.
** Who: [[w:Porky Pig|Porky Pig]]
** Source: ''[[Looney Tunes: Back in Action]]'' (2003)

* WILMA!
** Who: [[w:Fred Flintstone|Fred Flintstone]]
** Source: ''[[The Man Called Flintstone]]'' (1966)

* In the state of Texas, USA, life still goes on in the same old way. The Pecos River still flows on, but the greatest cowboy on earth is gone. Yeah, Bill went back to the coyotes, but he never forgot Sue. Every night when the moon was high, he'd lift his voice in a mournful cry, bewailing the fate of his lady fair, his long-lost love in the sky up there. So painful was his grief to see, the varmints joined in out of sympathy. That's how come, to this very day, coyotes howl at the moon that way.
** Who: Roy Rogers
** Source: ''[[Melody Time]]'' (1948)

* Bravo, my friends! Our three heroes have finally made their dream come true. I think this calls for one more song!
** Who: Troubadour
** Source: ''[[Mickey, Donald, Goofy: The Three Musketeers]]'' (2004)

* Gee, thanks for letting us share our Christmas spirit with you. [laughs] Merry Christmas, everybody!
** Who: Mickey Mouse
** Source: ''[[w:Mickey's Magical Christmas: Snowed in the House of Mouse|Mickey's Magical Christmas: Snowed in at the House of Mouse]]'' (2001)

* Aw, phooey!
** Who: Donald Duck
** Source: ''[[Mickey's House of Villains]]'' (2002)

* So in the end, love is the reason that Christmas is more than a gift-giving season. It's a time with our loved ones to show that we care, When families and neighbors come together to share. So, this Christmas season, let us all do our parts To keep Christmas spirit alive in our hearts.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: '' ''[[Mickey's Once Upon a Christmas]]'' (1999)

* So, at last, Mickey learned what he'd missed from the start. Bells and holly mean little without friends in your heart. The magic of Christmas has its rhyme and its reason. We hope you and yours have a most joyous season.
** Who: Narrator
* Ho ho ho!
** Who: Santa Claus
** Source: '' ''[[Mickey's Twice Upon a Christmas]]'' (2004)

* Welcome home!
** Who: A villager
* (post-credits:) Didn't help me though, did it? Still upside down here. Just need a little push. Can we be real? If my name was Sebastian and I had a cool Jamacian accent, you'd totally help me. You would. You know you would.
** Who: Tamatoa 
** Source: ''[[Moana (2016 film)|Moana]]'' (2016)
** Note: He is last seen after the credits, where he is still trapped and struggling to get off his shell, but to no avail. He asks the audience for assistance, and sarcastically quips that if his name was &quot;Sebastian&quot; and he had a Jamaican accent, the audience would feel happy to help him out (the reference to the supporting character of the same name from Disney's [[w:The Little Mermaid (1989 film)|The Little Mermaid]]). It is unknown if he ever got back up or if he starved.

* Wait, wait, wait, wa-wa-wait?! You were dating Derek, too?! That two-timing jerk!
** Who: B.O.B.
* (mid-credits:) Time to wave the white flag and head for the bunker, boys. Let's check the situation in 500 years! Who wants to freeze my head?
** Who: President Hathaway
** Source: ''[[Monsters vs. Aliens]]'' (2009)

* Mushu!
** Who: Great Ancestor
** Source: ''[[Mulan (1998 film)|Mulan]]'' (1998)

* Does a hero dragon deserve anything less? Draw my bath! Warm my towels! Let the pampering begin!
** Who: Mushu
** Source: ''[[Mulan II]]'' (2004)

* Okay! That is the most awesome name ever!
** Who: Pinkie Pie
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: The Movie (2017 film)|My Little Pony: The Movie]]'' (2017)

* I can't think of anything better.
** Who: Madison
** Source: ''My Scene Goes Hollywood: The Movie'' (2005)

* And the moral of our story is...
** Who: Yakko Warner
** Source: ''Wakko's Wish'' (1999)

* What a delightful scoundrel.
** Who: Winston
** Source: ''[[Oliver &amp; Company]]'' (1988)

* Whoa-ho, yeah-ha!
** Who: Barley Lightfoot
** Source: ''[[Onward (film)|Onward]]'' (2020)

* Left foot, right foot... Ah, who needs feet when you got fins! Whoo-hoo!
** Who: Tanglefoot
** Source: ''[[Ooops! Noah Is Gone...]]'' (2015)

* Oh, well. Out with the old, in with the new, huh?
** Who: Frank Detorre
** Source: ''[[Osmosis Jones]]'' (2001)

* There's a secret between you and me, Baby.
** Who: Higgins
** Source: ''[[The Outback (2012 film)|The Outback]]'' (2012)

* Shoot!
** Who: RJ
** Source: ''[[Over the Hedge]]'' (2006)

* And Liberty!
** Who: Liberty
** Source: ''[[PAW Patrol: The Movie]]'' (2021)

* Wait, wait, wait!
** Who: Phineas Flynn
** Source: ''[[Phineas and Ferb the Movie: Across the 2nd Dimension]]'' (2011)

* Well, I'll be! Ho-ho-ho! My, my! Solid gold, too. Oh, I think it's swell.
** Who: Jiminy Cricket
** Source: ''[[Pinocchio (1940 film)|Pinocchio]]'' (1940)

* Godspeed, John.
** Who: Thomas
** Source: ''[[Pocahontas (1995 film)|Pocahontas]]'' (1995)

* At one time, most of my friends could hear the bell. But as years passed, it felt silent for all of them. Even Sarah found, one Christmas, that she could no longer hear its sweet sound. Though I've grown old, the bell still rings for me. As it does for all who truly believe.
** Who: Adult Hero Boy
** Source: ''[[The Polar Express]]'' (2004)

* Sure!
** Who: Evie and Tori
** Source: ''PollyWorld'' (2006)

* Sugar, spice, and everything nice. These were the ingredients chosen to create the perfect little girl. But, Professor Utonium accidentally added an extra ingredient to the concoction. Chemical X. Thus, Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup were born. Using their ultra-super powers, they've dedicated their lives to fighting crime, and the forces of evil. And so for the very first time the day is saved thanks to... the Powerpuff Girls! Hey, that's a good name for them! Powerpuff Girls! Yeah! I like that! Wonder if ''they will?'' I'll run it by them. Powerpuff Girls! Mmm-hmm.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Powerpuff Girls Movie]]'' (2002)

* Well, I waited this long.
** Who: Charlotte LaBouff
** Source: ''[[The Princess and the Frog]]'' (2009)

* Yeah!
** Who: Background character
* (mid-credits 1) And gullible. I forgot to mention gullible.
** Who: [[w:Lucy|Lucy]]
* (mid-credits 2) A round of root beer for our hero the Flying Ace.
** Who: [[w:Marcie|Marcie]]
** Source: ''[[The Peanuts Movie]]'' (2015)

* Well done, Ayden.
** Who: Merlin
** Source: ''[[Quest for Camelot]]'' (1998)

* (theatrical version:) Rango!
** Who: The Mariachi Owls
* (extended version:) My fellow comrades. There will be times when you doubt yourself. When you feel pummeled by the catalclysms of life, remember this moment. Remember me. Know that I will be there, watching you... sometimes at inappropriate moments. That's part of the deal. And remember, that within all of us resides the true Spirit of We- Woah! Let's take it from the top.
** Who: Rango
** Source: ''[[Rango (2011 film)|Rango]]'' (2011)

* Hey, believe me, that story gets better when I tell it, okay? Come on! Bring some food over here, we're starving!
** Who: Django
** Source: ''[[Ratatouille]]'' (2007)

* Ba, welcome to Kumandra.
** Who: Raya
** Source: ''[[Raya and the Last Dragon]]'' (2021)

* Oh we're not late. We'll never going to be late again.
** Who: Rigby
** Source: ''[[Regular Show: The Movie]]'' (2015)

* Aw, phooey! Phooey!
** Who: Robert Benchley
** Source: ''[[The Reluctant Dragon (1941 film)|The Reluctant Dragon]]'' (1941)

* My name is Jack Frost, and I'm a Guardian. How do I know that? Because the Moon told me so. So when the Moon tells you something... ''believe it''.
** Who: Jack Frost
** Source: ''[[Rise of the Guardians]]'' (2012)

* Chel, we're not on the horse!
** Who: Tulio
** Source: ''[[The Road to El Dorado]]'' (2000)

* Well, folks, that's the way it really happened.
** Who: [[w:Alan-a-Dale|Allan-a-Dale]]
** Source: ''[[Robin Hood (1973 film)|Robin Hood]]'' (1973)

* Wait a minute, wait a minute! I-I-I was on the list! Come on, don't you know who I am? Wait! Whoa!
** Who: Tim the Gate Guard
** Source: ''[[Robots (2005 film)|Robots]]'' (2005)

* Hey, Edmond!
** Who: Chanticleer
** Source: ''[[Rock-a-Doodle]]'' (1991)

* As long as we're together. I'm ready to get baked and do anything.
** Who: Brenda
** Source: ''[[Sausage Party]]'' (2016)

* Thank you, Max.
** Who: Duke
* (mid-credits:) I'm home, Leonard. Were you a good boy, Leonard?
** Who: Leonard's Owner
* (post-credits:) All right, party's over!
** Who: Pops
** Source: ''[[The Secret Life of Pets]]'' (2016)

* Bye bye, momma and dada.
** Who: Liam
* (mid-credits:) Snowball, I'm back!
** Who: Molly
* (post-credits:) Okay. Moment's over.
** Who: Rooster
** Source: ''[[The Secret Life of Pets 2]]'' (2019)

* Oh, no!
** Who: Martin
** Source: ''[[The Secret of NIMH]]'' (1982)

* You got served!
** Who: The Shrimp
* Did somebody say CRAZY?!
** Who: Crazy Joe
* What you doing? Go on, get outta here! Go home! It's past your bedtime!
** Who: Mrs. Sanchez
** Source: ''[[Shark Tale]]'' (2004)

* Thanks, boy. Steady. Whoo-hoo!
** Who: Homer Simpson
* (mid-credits:) Smithers, I don't believe in suicides, but if you like to try, it would cheer me up to watch.
** Who: Mr. Burns
* (mid-credits 2:) This is Tom Hanks saying if you see me in person, please leave me be.
** Who: ''[[w:Tom Hanks|Tom Hanks]]''
* (in-credits:) Sequel?
** Who: Maggie Simpson
* (post-credits:) Four years of film school for this?
** Who: Squeaky-Voiced Teen
** Source: ''[[The Simpsons Movie]]'' (2007)

* All creatures great and small, welcome to the New Moon Theater!
** Who: Buster Moon
** Source: ''[[Sing (2016 film)|Sing]]'' (2016)

* Blue!
** Who: Merryweather
** Source: ''[[Sleeping Beauty]]'' (1957)

* Pro: if you go down there you'll meet lots of people. Con: Uh, you're not really a people person. Ugh, this is torture!
** Who: Fleem 
* (mid-credits:) Okay in 3, 2... On the next episode of... Wait am I missing a tooth?
** Who: Percy Patterson
** Source: ''[[Smallfoot (film)|Smallfoot]]'' (2018) 

* Blue cheese!
** Who: Everyone 
* (in-credits:) Am I going mad, Azrael? For the last time, get them to shut off this music!
** Who: [[w:Gargamel|Gargamel]]
** Source: ''[[Smurfs: The Lost Village]]'' (2017)

* Goodbye!
** Who: [[w:Snow White (Disney character)|Snow White]]
** Source: ''[[Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs]]'' (1937)

* Look!
** Who: Kyle Broflovski
* (post-credits:) Guys out there is hurted.
** Who: Ike Broflovski
** Source: ''[[South Park: Bigger, Longer &amp; Uncut]]'' (1999)

* I think I can handle it.
** Who: Chihiro Ogino (Sen)
** Source: ''[[Spirited Away]]'' (2001)
** Note: This line (per above) was heard in the English dub. The original Japanese dub's final line is &quot;Chihiro, let's get to our new home.&quot;

* Miles! Miles! Do you have a minute?
** Who: Gwen Stacy / Spider-Gwen
* You haven't seen pointing until I'm finished with you!
* You're accusing me of pointing while you're...!
** Who 1: Peter Parker / 1967 Spider-Man
** Who 2: Miguel O'Hara / 2099 Spider-Man
** Source: ''[[Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse]]'' (2018)

* You think you could handle them? They're not exactly easy to get along with.
** Who: Steven
** Source: ''[[Steven Universe: The Movie]]'' (2019)

* You love it.
** Who: Tulip
** Source: ''[[Storks (film)|Storks]]'' (2016)

* We did it. We really did it! Woo-hoo! Come on, guys! Yeah!
** Who: Richard
** Source: ''[[A Stork’s Journey]]'' (2017)

* Well, uh.... that's something like television. Without commercials.
** Who: Merlin
** Source: ''[[The Sword in the Stone (film)|The Sword in the Stone]]'' (1963)

* Yes, we are.
** Who: [[w:Flynn Rider|Eugene Fitzherbert]]
** Source: ''[[Tangled]]'' (2010)

* Ooo-ooo-ee-ah-ooo.
** Who: Jane Porter
** Source: ''[[Tarzan (1999 film)|Tarzan]]'' (1999)

* Woof!
** Who: Spot Helperman
** Source: ''[[Teacher's Pet (2004 film)|Teacher's Pet]]'' (2004)

* Wait, wait, wait, wait, WAIT! KIDS, ASK YOUR PARENTS WHERE BABIES COME FROM!
** Who: 2013 Robin
* (mid-credits:) This is the ''[[Teen Titans (TV series)|Teen Titans]]''! Can anyone hear us? We think we found a way back!
** Who: 2003 Robin
* Challengers! I believe we may have missed the motion picture!
** Who: Unknown Challenger
** Source: ''[[Teen Titans Go! To the Movies]]'' (2018)

* Avengers! Assemble!
** Who: James Rogers
** Source: ''Next Avengers: Heroes of Tomorrow'' (2008)

* And of course, they lived happily ever after.
** Who: Jacquimo
** Source: ''[[Thumbelina (1994 film)|Thumbelina]]'' (1994)

* We live together, we train together, we fight together, we stand for good, together. We are Ninjas. We strike hard, defend, protect and fade into the night. And there ain't no bad guy or monster gonna ever change that: That's what's important. And that's why we'll always be brothers. Oh, I love bein' a turtle.
** Who: [[w:Raphael (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Raphael]]
** Source: ''[[TMNT (film)|TMNT]]'' (2007)

* Tom! Jerry! Welcome to your new home!
** Who: Robyn Starling
** Source: ''[[Tom and Jerry: The Movie]]'' (1992)

* Til All Are One!, Till All Are One!, Till All Are One!
** Who: The Autobots
** Source: ''[[The Transformers: The Movie]]'' (1986)

* Up high!
** Who: Cloud Guy
* (in-credits:) But wait, wait, wait.
** Who: Creek
** Source: ''[[Trolls (film)|Trolls]]'' (2016)
** Note: After Poppy and the other Trolls make peace with the Bergens, Creek, along with Chef is knocked out of the Bergen castle. Chef then betrays Creek by trying to eat him, but before this can happen, both are eaten alive by a hill monster.

* Glitter!
** Who: Queen Barb
* (in-credits:) But who gonna eat my cheese balls, babe?
** Who: King Gristle, Jr.
** Source: ''[[Trolls World Tour]]'' (2020)

* And it looks like the winner is...
** Who: Sports Announcer
** Source: ''[[Turbo (film)|Turbo]]'' (2013)

* We've all got an inner beast. We've all got a messy, loud, weird part of ourselves hidden away. And a lot of us never let it out. But I did. How about you?
** Who: Mei Lee
** Source: ''[[Turning Red]]'' (2022)

* She's gonna be so excited.
** Who: Father of Moxy's owner
** Source: ''[[Uglydolls]]'' (2019)

* Another blue one.
** Who: Russell
** Source: ''[[Up (2009 film)|Up]]'' (2009)

* Cheeeeeeeeeese!
** Who: Hutch the Rabbit
** Source: ''[[Wallace &amp; Gromit in The Curse of the Were-Rabbit|Wallace &amp; Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit]]'' (2005)

* This is called farming! You kids are gonna grow all kinds of plants! Vegetable plants, pizza plants! Oh, it's good to be home!
** Who: Captain B. McCrea
** Source: ''[[WALL-E]]'' (2008)

* Gotcha!
** Who: Alex
** Source: ''[[Walking with Dinosaurs (film)|Walking with Dinosaurs]]'' (2013)

* All the world will be your enemy, Prince of a Thousand enemies. And when they catch you, they will kill you. But first they must catch you; digger, listener, runner, Prince with the swift warning. Be cunning, and full of tricks, and your people will never be destroyed.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Watership Down (film)|Watership Down]]'' (1978)

* Alright, guys, let's eat! I'm gonna do syrup and honey.
** Who: Grizzly Bear
** Source: ''[[We Bare Bears: The Movie]]'' (2020)

* Nick!
** Who: Flash
* (in-credits:) Come on! Shake your tails with me, come on! Yeah!
** Who: Gazelle
** Source: ''[[Zootopia]]'' (2016)

=== ''101 Dalmatians'' film series ===

* I'm hungry, mother.
** Who: Roley
** Source: ''[[One Hundred and One Dalmatians]]''

* Say &quot;spots!&quot;
** Who: Photographer
** Source: ''[[101 Dalmatians II: Patch's London Adventure]]''

=== ''Alvin and the Chipmunks'' animated movies'' ===
* ALVINNNN!
** Who: Dave Seville
** Source: ''[[The Chipmunk Adventure]]'' (1987)

* How does that song go again?
** Who: Dr. Frankenstein
** Source: ''Alvin and the Chipmunks Meet Frankenstein'' (1999)

* Us? Wild?
** Who: Alvin
** Source: ''Alvin and the Chipmunks Meet the Wolfman'' (2000)

=== ''[[The Angry Birds Movie]]'' film series ===

* Guys! No!
** Who: Red
* (mid-credits:) Whoa!
** Who: Jay, Jake, and Jim
** Source: ''[[The Angry Birds Movie]]'' (2016)

* Jinx! Jinx! Jinx!
** Who: Chuck and Silver
* (in-credits:) Bye-bye.
** Who: Zoe's sister
** Source: ''[[The Angry Birds Movie 2]]'' (2019)

=== ''[[Aladdin]]'' film series ===

* Made ya look.
** Who: Genie
* (post-credits, special edition only:) You have been a fabulous audience! Tell you what, you're the best audience in the whole world. Take care of yourselves! Good night, Alice! Good night, Agrabah! Adios, amigos!
** Who: Genie
** Source: ''[[Aladdin (1992 Disney film)|Aladdin]]'' (1992)

* Does this mean I don't get my third wish?
** Who: Abis Mal
** Source: ''[[The Return of Jafar]]'' (1994)

* Wait a minute. We're not gettin' outta here, man! We're not gettin' outta here! Don't ya understand it, man? This is it, game's over, man!
** Who: Genie
** Source: ''[[Aladdin and the King of Thieves]]'' (1996)

=== ''Bambi'' film series ===

* Well, I don't believe I've ever seen a more likely looking pair of fawns. Prince Bambi ought to be mighty proud.
** Who: Friend Owl
** Source: ''[[Bambi]]'' (1942)

* Actually, I was a lot like you.
** Who: The Great Prince of the Forest
** Source: ''[[Bambi II]]'' (2006)

=== ''Barbie'' film series ===

* I always knew you could.
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie in the Nutcracker'' (2001)

* When you do that, you'll never go wrong.
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie as Rapunzel'' (2002)

* Wouldn't miss it.
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie of Swan Lake'' (2003)

* And, of course, Wolfie and Serafina lived happily ever after. Along with their many, many, many kittens.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''Barbie as The Princess and the Pauper'' (2004)

* I can't believe it! I'm flying!
** Who: Elina
** Source: ''Barbie: Fairytopia'' (2005)

* I'm trying!
** Who: Blush
** Source: ''Barbie and the Magic of Pegasus'' (2005)

* Secret seaweed, huh? Oh, that is clever of you to remember that!
** Who: Dandilion
** Source: ''Barbie Fairytopia: Mermaidia'' (2006)

* Yes, Papa. I'm finally on time for something.
** Who: Genevieve
** Source: ''Barbie in the 12 Dancing Princesses'' (2006)

* Goodbye, Elina! I know you look forward to seeing me again!
** Who: Fabien
** Source: ''Barbie Fairytopia: Magic of the Rainbow'' (2007)

* (gasps) A princess!
** Who: Tika
** Source: ''Barbie as the Island Princess'' (2007)

* Bye-bye! Whee!
** Who: A Flutterpixie
** Source: ''Barbie: Mariposa'' (2008)

* Now, where were we?
* ''[singing]'' Oh-whoa-oh. Two voices, one song...
** Who: Barbie and Teresa
** Source: ''Barbie and the Diamond Castle'' (2008)

* I think that would be amazing, Kelly.
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie in A Christmas Carol'' (2008)

* Right now, I've got somewhere else to be!
** Who: Corrinne
** Source: ''Barbie and the Three Musketeers'' (2008)
 
* Oopsie! Guess old habits die hard...girlfriend!
** Who: Raquelle
** Source: ''Barbie: A Fairy Secret'' (2011)

* Come on. I wanna introduce you to everyone!
** Who: Blair Willows/Princess Sophia
** Source: ''Barbie: Princess Charm School'' (2011)

* Merry Christmas!
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie: A Perfect Christmas'' (2011)

* Meribella! Put your hands up for me! Come on!
** Who: Keira
** Source: ''Barbie: The Princess &amp; The Popstar'' (2012)

* Come on, let's go!
** Who: Kristyn Farraday
** Source: ''Barbie In The Pink Shoes'' (2013)

* OK! Now, who's got the boarding passes?
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie and her Sisters: In a Pony Tale'' (2013)

* What on earth?
** Who: Bookhurst
** Source: ''Barbie and the Secret Door'' (2014)

* One, two, three, four!
** Who: Erika Juno
** Source: ''Barbie in Rock 'n Royals'' (2015)

* And thanks to Barbie, who was the one after all, everyone lived happily ever after.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''Barbie: Star Light Adventure'' (2016)

* How about you show me those moves?
** Who: Lindsey
** Source: ''Barbie &amp; Her Sisters in A Puppy Chase'' (2016)

* Look!
** Who: Chelsea
** Source: ''Barbie Dolphin Magic'' (2017)

* She's right. Barbie, I can't hold back any longer. I think I... wanna dance with you.
** Who: Ken
** Source: ''Barbie Princess Adventure'' (2020)

* New York! Emmie here, coming at you live from Times Square to announce the winner of the Spotlight Solo! Put your hands together for my friends, Barbie Roberts and Barbie Roberts! Otherwise known as Malibu and Brooklyn, the winners of the Spotlight Solo!
** Who: Emmie
** Source: ''Barbie: Big City, Big Dreams'' (2021)

=== ''[[w:Beauty and the Beast (franchise)|Beauty and the Beast]]'' film series ===

* Do I still have to sleep in the cupboard?
** Who: Chip Potts
** Source: ''[[Beauty and the Beast (1991 film)|Beauty and the Beast]]'' (1991)

* I'd be delighted.
** Who: Fife
** Source: ''[[w:Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas|Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas]]'' (1997)

* And it begins, uh, Lumiere, with trust. Where, with mutual respect, as I have always said all relationships must be firmly based on that. One must build on a firm foundation of trust and respect in order to flourish and flow; nourish and grow. Always attentive to the needs of the other and honesty, utter honesty is the key on which...
** Who: Cogsworth
** Source: ''[[w:Belle's Magical World|Belle's Magical World]]'' (1998)

=== ''Bratz'' film series ===

* It was original, captivating, stylized, and told me so much about each one of you. You're all getting A+'s!
** Who: Mr. Del Rio
** Source: ''Bratz: Starrin' &amp; Stylin'' (2004)

* We’re the girls..
* With the passion for fashion!
* And...
* We...
* ROCK!
** Who: Jade, Cloe, Yasmin and Sasha
** Source: ''Bratz Rock Angelz'' (2005)

* Please, call me Henry, all right?
** Who: Gordon Murph
** Source: ''Bratz Babyz: The Movie'' (2006)

* So, after all that work and practice, we discovered that we were really good at a lot of different things. But, what we're best at is being best friends. By helping Anna win the contest, we all ended up winners and we felt like stars!
** Who: Sasha
** Source: ''Bratz Girlz Really Rock'' (2008)

=== ''Care Bears'' film series ===

* Care for me, Mrs. Cherrywood. Just care for me.
** Who: Mr. Cherrywood
** Source: ''[[The Care Bears Movie]]'' (1985)

* Yes, sir! Everything was back to the way it was. But, as always, it was just a little bit different, a little bit better, and a little bit more special—thanks to the Care Bears, the Care Bear Cousins, and thanks to... ''(laughs)'' Well, you all know who you are. I thank my lucky Stars that there are people out there like you who really do care. You're not afraid to share your feelings—and that, my friends, makes you all world-class Care Bear Champs!
** Who: The Great Wishing Star
** Source: ''[[Care Bears Movie II: A New Generation]]'' (1986)

* Goodbye!
** Who: The Care Bears
** Source: ''Care Bears: Journey to Joke-a-lot'' (2004)

* Twinkers, did you hear? Too Loud Bear finally got your name right!
** Who: Wish Bear
** Source: ''The Care Bears' Big Wish Movie'' (2005)

* You bet!
** Who: Cheer Bear
** Source: ''Care Bears: Oopsy Does It!'' (2007)

* Oopsy.
** Who: Oopsy Bear
** Source: ''Care Bears: To the Rescue'' (2010)

*Let's get this Giving Festival started!
** Who: Princess Starglo
** Source: ''Care Bears: The Giving Festival'' (2010)

*Later, gators, I've got stars to make!
** Who: Princess Starglo
** Source: ''Care Bears: Share Bear Shines'' (2011)

=== ''[[w:Cars (franchise)|Cars]]'' film series ===

* Yeah! Ka-chow!
** Who: Lightning McQueen
* (in-credits) Wait a minute here. They're just using the [[w:John Ratzenberger|same actor]] over and over. [[w:Pixar|What kind of a cut-rate production is this?!]]
** Who: Mack
* (post-credits:) NO! There's an on-ramp close! I KNOW IT! I CAN FEEL IT! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!!!
** Who: [[w:List_of_Cars_characters#Van and Minny|Van]]
** Source: ''[[Cars (film)|Cars]]'' (2006)

* Not if I see you first!
** Who: [[w:Mater (Cars)|Tow Mater]]
** Source: ''[[Cars 2]]'' (2011)

* Go!
** Who: Luigi
* (post-credits:) Hey, McQueen! You still there? McQueen! Ugh. Technology.
** Who: [[w:Mater (Cars)|Tow Mater]]
** Source: ''[[Cars 3]]'' (2017)

* Ha-ha, you're on!
** Who: Skipper
** Source: ''[[Planes (film)]]'' (2013)

* Ladies and gentleplanes! Turn your attention to the skies for today's featured aerial presentation! The Propwash Junction Corn Fest is proud to present the Piston Peak Air Attack team, and our very own world champion racer and firefighter, Dusty Crophopper!
** Who: Chug
* (in-credits:) Welcome to Death Valley National Park. Is it hot? ''(laughs weezily)'' Yes, it is.
** Who: Cad Spinner
* (post-credits:) Yay!
** Who: Drip
** Source: ''[[Planes: Fire &amp; Rescue]]'' (2014)

=== ''[[w:Cinderella (franchise)|Cinderella]]'' film series ===

* But, you see, I have the other slipper.
** Who: [[w:Cinderella (Disney character)|Cinderella]]
** Source: ''[[Cinderella (1950 film)|Cinderella]]'' (1950)

* Once upon a time, there was a big castle... and in this castle lived a prince and a princess...
** Who: Cinderella
** Source: ''[[Cinderella II: Dreams Come True]]'' (2002)

* And they lived happily ever after... again.
** Who: Cinderella
** Source: ''[[Cinderella III: A Twist in Time]]'' (2007)

=== ''[[w:The Croods (franchise)|The Croods]]'' film series ===

* Duh-duh-duh!
** Who: Belt and Sandy Crood
** Source: ''[[The Croods]]'' (2013)

* Dad was right after all, we were stronger together.
** Who: Eep Crood
** Source: ''[[The Croods: A New Age]]'' (2020)

=== ''[[w:DC Universe Animated Original Movies|DC Universe Animated Original Movies]]'' ===

* In other news, Gotham's mysterious defender...the Batman, was seen last night helping police apprehend the leaders...of an underworld, gun-running operation...
** Who: Summer Gleason
** Source: ''[[Batman and Mr. Freeze: Subzero]]'' (1998)
* Hi, old man.
** Who: Tim Drake
** Source: ''[[Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker]]'' (2000)
* Well, maybe an explosion now and then.
** Who: Kathy Duquesne
** Source: ''[[Batman: Mystery of the Batwoman]]'' (2003)
* If history has determined that gods can die... ...it has also proven that they may return from the dead. It would seem you can't be destroyed after all, Superman. It would seem.
** Who: Lex Luthor
** Source: ''[[Superman: Doomsday]]'' (2007)
* The pioneers gave up their safety, their comfort, and sometimes their lives to build our new west. They were determined to make the new world strong and free - an example to the world. Some would say that those struggles are all over. That all the horizons have been explored. That all the battles have been won. That there is no longer an American frontier. And we stand today on the edge of a new frontier. The frontier of unknown opportunities and perils. Beyond that frontier are uncharted areas of science. Unsolved problems of peace and war. Unconquered pockets of ignorance and prejudice. I'm asking each of you to be pioneers towards that New Frontier. My call is to the young in heart, regardless of age. Can we carry through in an age where we will witness not only new breakthroughs in weapons of destruction, but also a race for mastery of the sky and the rain, the ocean and the tides, the far side of space, and the inside of men's minds? All mankind waits upon out decision. A whole world waits to see what we shall do. And we cannot fail that trust, and we cannot fail to try.
** Who: John F. Kennedy
** Source: ''[[Justice League: The New Frontier]]'' (2008)

* Sir?
** Who: Alfred Pennyworth
** Source: ''[[Batman: Gotham Knight]]'' (2008)

* Look! It's Wonder Woman!
** Who: Little girl
** Source: ''[[Wonder Woman (2009 film)|Wonder Woman]]'' (2009)

* I've gotta go punch a clock with my other boss. I can see where this is gonna be a long commute.
** Who: Hal Jordan
** Source: ''[[Green Lantern: First Flight]]'' (2009)

* &quot;Late&quot;? Come on, it's... ...early.
** Who: Superman
** Source: ''[[Superman/Batman: Public Enemies]]'' (2009)

* I'm glad you agree. I've been thinking about a membership drive.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths]]'' (2010)

* It feels awesome! Check me out! I'm Robin, the Boy wonder! Are you kidding me? This rocks. Come on, old man, we've got bad guys who need chasing. This is the best day of my life.
** Who: Young Jason Todd/Robin
** Source: ''[[Batman: Under the Red Hood]]'' (2010)

* Hey.
** Who: Superman
** Source: ''[[Superman/Batman: Apocalypse]]'' (2010)

* He's not dead. He's up there fixing the sun. And when he's done, he'll be back.
** Who: Lois Lane
** Source: ''[[All-Star Superman (film)|All-Star Superman]]'' (2011)

* We got a new home to build. Come on. I'll tell you about the time I took on an army of Manhunters and my only backup was this squirrel.
** Who: Hal Jordan
** Source: ''[[Green Lantern: Emerald Knights]]'' (2011)

* Barbara's not crazy about the marriage counselor, but we're making progress. As for me, well, there's a real panic on. Somebody has threatened to poison the Gotham reservoir. He calls himself the Joker. I've got a friend coming who might be able to help. He should be here any minute.
** Who: Lieutenant James Gordon
** Source: ''[[Batman: Year One (film)|Batman: Year One]]'' (2011)

* I do have a plan! It's called the Justice League.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[Justice League: Doom]]'' (2012)

* Can we go so I can kiss you now?
** Who: Lois Lane
** Source: ''[[Superman vs. The Elite]]'' (2012)

* Ba-Batman... Darling!
** Who: Joker
** Source: [[Batman: The Dark Knight Returns (film)|''Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, Part One'']] (2012)

* I spent 10 years looking for a good death. This... This'll be a good life. Good enough.
** Who: Bruce Wayne
** Source: [[Batman: The Dark Knight Returns (film)|''Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, Part Two'']] (2013)

* Marry me.
** Who: Clark Kent
** Source: ''[[Superman: Unbound]]'' (2013)

* You're one helluva messenger. Thank you.
** Who: Bruce Wayne
** Source: ''[[Justice League: The Flashpoint Paradox]]'' (2013)

* The surface dwellers have killed our king. This is an act of war and they will pay.
** Who: Prince Orm
** Source: ''[[Justice League: War]]'' (2014)

* No.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[Son of Batman]]'' (2014)

* Bang.
** Who: Deadshot
** Source: ''[[Batman: Assault on Arkham]]'' (2014)

* I am Lex Luthor. I have a proposition for you.
** Who: Lex Luthor
** Source: ''[[Justice League: Throne of Atlantis]]'' (2015)

* Sometimes, Alfred... ...you have to have a little faith.
** Who: Bruce Wayne
** Source: ''[[Batman vs. Robin]]'' (2015)

* Time to look ahead, Kirk. You know what they say. The past is like another planet.
** Who: Superman
** Source: ''[[Justice League: Gods and Monsters]]'' (2015)

* Master Bruce is having a heart-to-heart with Damian. One can't help feeling bad. Despite her madness, she was his mother.
** Who: Alfred Pennyworth
** Source: ''[[Batman: Bad Blood]]'' (2016)

* Raven, release me. You're too weak to keep me in here, you filthy witch! I'll get out! I'll kill everyone you love. RAVEN!!!
** Who: Trigon
** Source: ''[[Justice League vs. Teen Titans]]'' (2016)

* Yeah, Dad, I just got back from the lacrosse game. Going to practice some Wallball this weekend. Getting pretty good. Maybe another night, Dad, I got plans tonight. I can't help it if your daughter's so popular. I'll talk to you, later. Right then, back to work.
** Who: Barbara Gordon / Oracle
** Source: ''[[Batman: The Killing Joke (film)|Batman: The Killing Joke]]'' (2016)

* Now, that's what I call making yourself useful, love.
** Who: John Constantine
** Source: ''[[Justice League Dark (film)|Justice League Dark]]'' (2017)

* I talk to the dead. For no matter how rotted the corpse, there's always a tiny wisp of life left.
** Who: Brother Blood
** Source: ''[[Teen Titans: The Judas Contract]]'' (2017)

* Aw... Ain't that a shame? Wendel is headed back to his crummy house and all those cats without getting the help he so desperately needs. Oh, well, that's it for today's show. Till next time, folks. Be good to yourselves. 'Cause everyone else in the world is probably out to get you. Bye-bye!
** Who: Dr. Harleen Quinzel
** Source: ''[[Batman and Harley Quinn]]'' (2017)

* It was all phony anyway. We'll make something new. Something better.
** Who: Dickie
** Source: ''[[Batman: Gotham by Gaslight]]'' (2018)

* I'll be seeing you, Waller. Maybe in heaven.
** Who: Deadshot
** Source: ''[[Suicide Squad: Hell to Pay]]'' (2018)

* Superman?
** Who: Jimmy Olsen
** Source: ''[[The Death of Superman (film)|The Death of Superman]]'' (2018)

* Okay, who left the front door open?
** Who: Green Lantern
** Source: ''[[Reign of the Supermen (film)|Reign of the Supermen]]'' (2019)

* Jessica Cruz. It's an honor.
** Who: Brainiac 5
** Source: ''[[w:Justice League vs. the Fatal Five|Justice League vs. the Fatal Five]]'' (2019)

* Someday.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[w:Batman: Hush (film)|Batman: Hush]]'' (2019)

* You think I'm intimidated? I've won. I'm coming for you, Wonder Woman. Do you hear me, Wonder Woman? I am coming for you!
** Who: Veronica Cale
** Source: ''[[w:Wonder Woman: Bloodlines|Wonder Woman: Bloodlines]]'' (2019)

* I kind of like that last option.
** Who: Lois Lane
** Source: ''[[w:Superman: Red Son (film)|Superman: Red Son]]'' (2020)

* And some of those changes may be shite. And we may make the same mistakes again. It won't be perfect... but it'll be a long sight better than what we got now.
** Who: John Constantine
** Source: ''[[w:Justice League Dark: Apokolips War|Justice League Dark: Apokolips War]]'' (2020)

=== ''[[w:Despicable Me (franchise)|Despicable Me]]'' film series ===

* No, I'm fine. Go ahead. No, no, no!
** Who: Gru
* (post-credits:) I am Gru. Back to work! Back to work! Back to...
** Who: Kevin
** Source: ''[[Despicable Me]]'' (2010)

* I'M SO HAPPY!!!
** Who: Agnes Gru
** Source: ''[[Despicable Me 2]]'' (2013)

* Come on, He's my brother. We'll give him a 5 minute head start.
** Who: Felonious Gru
** Source: ''[[Despicable Me 3]]'' (2017)

* FREEZE RAY!!!
** Who: Felonious Gru
** Source: ''[[Minions (film)|Minions]]'' (2015)

=== ''[[w:Fantasia (franchise)|Fantasia]]'' film series ===

* The last number in our ''Fantasia'' program is a combination of two pieces of music so utterly different in construction and mood that they set each other off perfectly. The first is ''A Night On Bald Mountain'', by one of Russia's greatest composers, Modest Mussorgsky. The second is Franz Schubert's world-famous ''Ave Maria''. Musically and dramatically, we have here a picture of the struggle between the profane and the sacred. Bald Mountain, according to tradition, is the gathering place of Satan and his followers. Here on ''Walpurgisnacht'', which is the equivalent of our own Halloween, the creatures of evil gather to worship their master. Under his spell, they dance furiously until the coming of dawn and the sounds of church bells send the infernal army slinking back into their abodes of darkness. And then we hear the Ave Maria, with its message of the triumph of hope and life over the powers of despair and death.
** Who: [[w:Deems Taylor|Deems Taylor]]
** Source: ''[[Fantasia (1940 film)|Fantasia]]'' (1940)

* Camera back on me. Uh, camera back on me, please. Anyone? Hello? Hello? Could someone give me a ride home?
** Who: [[Steve Martin]]
** Source: ''[[Fantasia 2000]]'' (2000)

=== ''[[w:Finding Nemo (franchise)|Finding Nemo]]'' film series ===

* Bye, son.
** Who: Marlin
* (pre-credits:) Now what?
** Who: Bloat
** Source: ''[[Finding Nemo]]'' (2003)

* Yep. Unforgettable.
** Who: Dory
* (post-credits:) Now what?
** Who: Bloat
** Source: ''[[Finding Dory]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:Frozen (franchise)|Frozen]]'' film series ===

* That's it. Glide and pivot. Glide and pivot.
** Who: Olaf
** Source: ''[[Frozen (2013 film)|Frozen]]'' (2013)

* Ready?
** Who: Elsa
* (post-credits:) Oh. We live! WE LIVE!!! Good story.
** Who: Marshmallow 
** Source: ''[[Frozen II]]'' (2019)

=== ''[[w:Happy Feet (franchise)|Happy Feet]]'' film series ===

* Gracias.
** Who: Ramón
** Source: ''[[Happy Feet]]'' (2006)

* Ja, The Svened.
** Who: The Mighty Sven
** Source: ''[[Happy Feet Two]]'' (2011)

=== ''[[w:Hotel Transylvania (franchise)|Hotel Transylvania]]'' film series ===

* Alright, maybe just a little.
** Who: Dracula
* (in-credits) I didn't do that.
** Who: Elderly Gremlin
** Source: ''[[Hotel Transylvania|Hotel Transylvania]]'' (2012)

* I didn't do that.
** Who: Elderly Gremlin
** Source: ''[[Hotel Transylvania 2]]'' (2015)

* Yes!
** Who: Ericka van Helsing
** Source: ''[[Hotel Transylvania 3: Summer Vacation]]'' (2018)

=== ''[[w:Hoodwinked!|Hoodwinked!]]'' film series ===

* I always did like happy endings.
** Who: Red Puckett
** Source: ''[[Hoodwinked!]]'' (2005)

* Hey, girls. Let's call it a night.
** Who: Twitchy
** Source: ''[[Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil]]'' (2011)

=== ''[[w:How to Train Your Dragon|How to Train Your Dragon]]'' film series ===

* This is Berk. It snows nine months of the year and hails the other three. Any food that grows here is tough and tasteless. The people that grow here are even more so. The only upsides are the pets. While other places have ponies or parrots... we have... dragons!
** Who: Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III
** Source: ''[[How to Train Your Dragon (film)|How to Train Your Dragon]]'' (2010)

* This... is Berk. A bit trampled and busted and covered in ice, but it's home. It's our home. Those who attacked us are relentless and crazy. But those who stopped them? Oh, even more so! We may be small in numbers, but we stand for something bigger than anything the world can pit against us. We are the voice of peace. And bit by bit, we will change this world. You see, we have something they don't. Oh sure, they have armies and they have armadas... But we... we have... OUR DRAGONS!
** Who: Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III
** Source: ''[[How to Train Your Dragon 2]]'' (2014)

* Legend says that when the ground quakes or lava spews from the earth, it's the dragons letting us know they're still here. Waiting for us to figure out how to get along. Yes, the world believes the dragons are gone, if they ever existed at all. But we Berkians, we know otherwise. And we'll guard this secret until the time comes when dragons can return in peace.
** Who: Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III
** Source: ''[[How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World]]'' (2019)

=== ''[[w:Ice Age (franchise)|Ice Age]]'' film series ===

* No, really...
** Who: [[w:List_of_Ice_Age_characters#Sid|Sid]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age (2002 film)|Ice Age]]'' (2002)

* Calm down! I saved you, little buddy! Remember!?
** Who: [[w:List_of_Ice_Age_characters#Sid|Sid]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: The Meltdown]]'' (2006)

* That's right, sweetheart. Welcome to the Ice Age.
** Who: [[w:List_of_Ice_Age_characters#Ellie|Ellie]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs]]'' (2009)

* No! Stop! Brother, rise above this base desire. Be more than a rodent.
** Who: Ariscratle
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: Continental Drift]]'' (2012)

* Mars: the red planet. Cold... dry... inhospitable to life. But billions and billions of years ago, Mars looked like this. There were lakes, rivers, oceans... the perfect conditions for life to form. So, what happened? Why was life unable to take hold? Where did the water go? We may never know.
** Who: [[w:List_of_Ice_Age_characters#Neil deBuck Weasel|Neil deBuck Weasel]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: Collision Course]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:The Incredibles (franchise)|The Incredibles]]'' film series ===

* Behold, the Underminer! I am always beneath you, but nothing is beneath me! I hereby declare war on peace and happiness! Soon, all will tremble before me!
** Who: The Underminer
** Source: ''[[The Incredibles]]'' (2004)

* Stop! Let us out! Here, large popcorn, small soda. Save me a seat. Center, about eight rows back. I'll be back before the previews are over!
** Who: [[w:Violet Parr|Violet Parr]]
** Source: ''[[Incredibles 2]]'' (2018)

=== ''[[Kim Possible]]'' film series ===

* No idea why I said that!
** Who: Ron Stoppable
** Source: ''[[Kim Possible: A Sitch in Time]]'' (2003)

* It finally happened! She's dating that loser! Kim Possible and Ron Stoppable are dating!? ''(Laughs loudly)''
** Who: Bonnie Rockwaller
** Source: ''[[Kim Possible Movie: So the Drama]]'' (2005)

=== ''[[w:Kung Fu Panda (franchise)|Kung Fu Panda]]'' film series ===

* Yeah.
** Who: [[w:List_of_Kung_Fu_Panda_characters#Master Shifu|Master Shifu]]
** Source: ''[[Kung Fu Panda]]'' (2008)

* My son is alive...
** Who: [[w:List_of_Kung_Fu_Panda_characters#Li Shan|Li Shan]]
** Source: ''[[Kung Fu Panda 2]]'' (2011)

* Panda Asthma.
** Who: [[w:List_of_Kung_Fu_Panda_characters#Li Shan|Li Shan]]
** Source: ''[[Kung Fu Panda 3]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:Lady and the Tramp|Lady and the Tramp]]'' film series ===

* Huh? I haven't? Well, uh, as Old Reliable used to say... He'd say, uh, uh... He'd say, uh, uh... Doggone. You know, I clean forgot what it was he used to say!
** Who: Trusty
** Source: ''[[Lady and the Tramp]]'' (1955)

* Angel!
** Who: Junior
** Source: ''[[Lady and the Tramp II: Scamp's Adventure]]'' (2001)

=== ''[[w:The Land Before Time (franchise)|The Land Before Time]]'' film series ===

* And they all grew up together in the valley, generation upon generation, each passing on to the next. The tale of their ancestors' journey to the valley, long ago.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time]]'' (1988)

* But I still can't wait to grow up.
** Who: Littlefoot
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time II: The Great Valley Adventure]]'' (1994)

* And so, as it turned out, the dinosaurs traveled from green spot to green spot, eating their fill, each helping the others to find what they needed, each learning the special kind of joy, which comes from giving to others. And in the years to come, this story of sharing was told over and over again, until it became known as: &quot;The Time of the Great Giving.&quot;
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time III: The Time of the Great Giving]]'' (1995)

* And so, it came to pass that the migrating dinosaurs left the Great Valley for lands unknown. And yes, Littlefoot and his friends, Cera, Ducky, Petrie and Spike, would indeed meet Ali again one day. But that's another story.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time IV: Journey Through the Mists]]'' (1996)

* It's great to be home.
** Who: Cera
** ''[[The Land Before Time V: The Mysterious Island]]'' (1997)

* And so, another myth was born. It would change with each retelling. And even now, who knows how this one will end.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time VI: The Secret of Saurus Rock]]'' (1998)

* Oh, no! Oh, no! But we are plenty smart, right, Spike?
* Uh-huh.
** Who 1: Ducky
** Who 2: Spike
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time VII: The Stone of Cold Fire]]'' (1999)

* The families would be happy here until the Great Circle began to warm the land once more, melting the white ground sparkles and allowing new life to spring up, turning the earth green again. Then they could return to the Great Valley, where they could all get a good night's sleep, even Ducky.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time VIII: The Big Freeze]]'' (2001)

* This adventure was at an end. Still, Littlefoot, Cera, Ducky, Petrie and Spike knew in their hearts that there would be many more adventures yet to come.
** Who: Narrator
** Source:''[[The Land Before Time IX: Journey to Big Water]]'' (2002)

* I just have one question. Do we HAVE to go back through the swamp?
** Who: Ducky
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time X: The Great Longneck Migration]]'' (2003)

* And every nibbling day, the dinosaurs of the Great Valley gathered to celebrate these small things of life which mattered so much.
* Got you!
** Who 1: Narrator
** Who 2: Petrie
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time XI: Invasion of the Tinysauruses]]'' (2005)

* Many changes had occurred on this day of changes. And many more would follow. The dinosaur families understood this. They knew that change was a part of life in the Great Valley.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time XII: The Great Day of the Flyers]]'' (2006)

* In their journey to Berry Valley, the young dinosaurs had discovered that wisdom came in many different forms. And they knew that more lessons lay before them as they grew in the land before time.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time XIII: The Wisdom of Friends]]'' (2007)

* Littlefoot had found his father. And he found something else, too... Something he wasn't looking for. The realization that he and his friends would always be together... till the end of their days... in the Land Before Time.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time XIV: Journey of the Brave]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:The Lego Movie (franchise)|The Lego Movie]]'' film series ===

* Oh, man.
** Who: Emmet Brickowski
** Source: ''[[The Lego Movie]]'' (2014)

* Wow, that was fun! Really hope nobody was recording that. Let me see. Oh, this thing is on. This thing is recording.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[The Lego Batman Movie]]'' (2017)

* B mark.
** Who: Director
** Source: ''[[The Lego Ninjago Movie]]'' (2017)

* An original album of ''Everything is Awesome''?! Wait a minute. Is that...? 
** Who: Emmet Brickowski
** Source: ''[[The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part]]'' (2019)

=== ''[[w:Lilo &amp; Stitch (franchise) (franchise)|Lilo &amp; Stitch]]'' film series ===

* Wait.
** Who: Stitch
** Source: ''[[Lilo &amp; Stitch]]'' (2002)

* And with 626, they make one hotshot evil genius experiment-catching team!
** Who: Jumba Jookiba
* (post-credits:) I'll get the wig.
** Who: Wendy Pleakley
** Source: ''[[Stitch! The Movie]]'' (2003)

* Mom would be so proud of you.
** Who: Nani Pelekai
** Source: ''[[Lilo &amp; Stitch 2: Stitch Has a Glitch]]'' (2005)

* Aloha!
** Who: The Pelekai ''ʻohana'': Lilo Pelekai, Stitch, Nani Pelekai, David Kawena, Jumba Jookiba, Wendy Pleakley, Mertle Edmonds, and many of Jumba's genetic experiments (Stitch's &quot;cousins&quot;)
** Source: ''[[Leroy &amp; Stitch]]'' (2006)

=== ''[[w:The Lion King (franchise)|The Lion King]]'' film series ===

* Remember...
** Who: Mufasa's Ghost
** Source: ''[[The Lion King]]'' (1994)

* Well done, my son. We are one.
** Who: Mufasa's Ghost
** Source: ''[[The Lion King II: Simba's Pride]]'' (1998)

* Uh, Timon? I still don't do so well in crowds.
** Who: Pumbaa
** Source: ''[[The Lion King 1½]]'' (2004)

=== ''[[w:The Little Mermaid (franchise)|The Little Mermaid]]'' film series ===

* I love you, daddy.
** Who: Ariel
** Source: ''[[The Little Mermaid (1989 film)|The Little Mermaid]]'' (1989)

* Hi.
** Who: Melody
** Source: ''[[The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea]]'' (2000)

* That's my girl. Samba? Ooh-wa, ooh-wa! 
** Who: Benjamin
** Source: ''[[The Little Mermaid: Ariel's Beginning]]'' (2008)

=== ''[[w:Madagascar (franchise)|Madagascar]]'' film series ===

* Nah. Just smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave.
** Who: Skipper
** Source: ''[[Madagascar (2005 film)|Madagascar]]'' (2005)

* Shake 'em. Shake 'em. Shake 'em. Shake 'em...
** Who: King Julian XII
** Source: ''[[Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa]]'' (2008)

* Hey, Skipper, what did you end up doing with the crazy lady, anyway?
** Who: Alex
** Source: ''[[Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted]]'' (2012)

* You know, if I'm being honest, I expected a little more... pizzazz! Yes! Now, that's pizzazz!
** Who: King Julian XII
** Source: ''[[Penguins of Madagascar]]'' (2014)

=== ''[[w:Monsters, Inc. (franchise)|Monsters, Inc.]]'' film series ===

* Kitty!
** Who: Boo
** Source: ''[[Monsters, Inc.]]'' (2001)

* You better believe it.
** Who: Mike Wazowski
* (post-credits:) Great.
** Who: Student Slug Monster
** Source: ''[[Monsters University]]'' (2013)

=== ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls'' film series ===

* Just a hunch.
** Who: Pinkie Pie
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Equestria Girls]]'' (2013)

* One! Two! Three! Four!
** Who: Human Pinkie Pie
* (post-credits:) No doubt about it, Spike, there's definitely something strange going on at that school.
** Who: Human Twilight Sparkle (Sci-Twi)
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Rainbow Rocks]]'' (2014)

* Make that the ''second'' strangest.
** Who: Princess Twilight Sparkle
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Friendship Games]]'' (2015)

* Where did the magic that hit this cave come from?
** Who: Sunset Shimmer
* (post-credits:) Let's celebrate!
** Who: Human Pinkie Pie
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Legend of Everfree]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:The Nut Job|The Nut Job]]'' film series ===

* Any more big ideas? Please stay.
** Who: Norvirus Raccoon
** Source: ''[[The Nut Job]]'' (2014)
** Note: A mid-credits scene reveals that Raccoon and Cardinal survived and were drifted out to sea, but sharks now surround them, leaving their fate ambiguous.

* Ride, Precious! Ride! Hiyah!
** Who: Surly
** Source: ''[[The Nut Job 2: Nutty by Nature]]'' (2017)

=== ''[[w:Open Season (franchise)|Open Season]]'' film series ===

* Wait, wait. No. No. No!
** Who: Shaw
** Source: ''[[Open Season]]'' (2006)

* Come on!
** Who: Elliot
** Source: ''[[Open Season 2]]'' (2009)

* Boop!
** Who: Allistar
** Source: ''[[Open Season 3]]'' (2011)

* No.
** Who: Boog
** Source: ''[[Open Season: Scared Silly]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:The Rescuers|The Rescuers]]'' film series ===

* I sure wish we'd have taken the train.
** Who: Bernard
** Source: ''[[The Rescuers]]'' (1977)

* Help! Anybody! Bernard! Bianca! Where are you? Okay, that's it, I'm out of here. This is ridiculous. You can't leave me here alone. I'm gone! I am gone. Oh. Aw, no, stay in those eggs! That's a direct order! Oh. Hey, you're kind of a cute little feller. Coochy, coochy... Yeowww! Whoa! Ohhh!
** Who: Wilbur
** Source: ''[[The Rescuers Down Under]]'' (1990)

=== ''[[w:Rio (franchise)|Rio]]'' film series ===

* That's my big brave boy.
** Who: Linda Gunderson
* (in-credits:) I love you, Rio!
** Who: Luiz
** Source: ''[[Rio (film)|Rio]]'' (2011)

* That's the end?
** Who: Pedro
** Source: ''[[Rio 2]]'' (2014)

=== ''Rugrats'' film series ===

* Way to go, Dilly!
** Who: Tommy Pickles, Chuckie Finster, Phil and Lil Deville
** Source: ''[[The Rugrats Movie]]'' (1998)

* Well, Tommy. I guess this is the way things are gonna be from now on.
** Who: Chuckie Finster
** Source: ''[[Rugrats in Paris: The Movie]]'' (2000)

* Well, Eliza, as dog is my witness, I'll never lose my babies again!
** Who: Spike the Dog
** Source: ''[[Rugrats Go Wild]]'' (2003)

=== ''[[w:Shrek (franchise)|Shrek]]'' film series ===

* Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe.
** Who: [[w:Donkey (Shrek)|Donkey]]
** Source: ''[[Shrek]]'' (2001)

* Hey Donkey, that's Spanish!
** Who: [[w:Puss in Boots (Shrek)|Puss in Boots]]
* (mid-credits:) Look at our little mutant babies! I gotta get a job!
** Who: [[w:Donkey (Shrek)|Donkey]]
** Source: ''[[Shrek 2]]'' (2004)

* I got it.
** Who: [[w:Shrek (character)|Shrek]]
** Source: ''[[Shrek the Third]]'' (2007)

* No, it was ''you'' that rescued ''me.''
** Who: [[w:Shrek (character)|Shrek]]
** Source: ''[[Shrek Forever After]]'' (2010)

* This is the story of a cat who became a hero. An outlaw dedicated to justice and a lover of beautiful woman. A great, great lover. Really, it is crazy. I am Puss in Boots! And my name would become legend.
** Who: [[w:Puss in Boots (Shrek)|Puss in Boots]]
* (in-credits:) Oh!
** Who: Oh Cat
** Source: ''[[Puss in Boots (2011 film)|Puss in Boots]]'' (2011)

=== ''[[w:SpongeBob SquarePants (film series)|SpongeBob SquarePants]]'' film series ===

* Are you crazy? I was just gonna tell you that your fly is down. Manager! This is the greatest day of my life!!!
** Who: SpongeBob SquarePants
* (post credits:) Okay.
** Who: Captain Bart the Pirate
** Source: ''[[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie]]'' (2004)

* See you later, te-ammate!
** Who: [[w:SpongeBob SquarePants (character)|SpongeBob SquarePants]]
* That was pretty good actually.
** Who: Bubbles
* (in-credits:) You know what this needs? A little interpretive dance!
** Who: [[w:Squidward Tentacles|Squidward Tentacles]]
** Source: ''[[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water]]'' (2015)

* Order up!
** Who: [[w:SpongeBob SquarePants (character)|SpongeBob SquarePants]]
** Source: ''[[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge on the Run]]'' (2020)

=== ''[[w:Surf's Up (film)|Surf's Up]]'' film series ===

* Cody would never do this.
** Who: Edna Maverick
** Source: ''[[Surf's Up]]'' (2007)

* Okay, That's a wrap on this episode of &quot;Are they still cool? Surf Edition&quot;. Aaaand cut.
** Who: Announcer
** Source: ''[[Surf's Up 2: WaveMania]]'' (2017)

=== ''[[w:Toy Story (franchise)|Toy Story]]'' film series ===

* Oh, what is it? What is it? Wow! A puppy!
** Who: Andy Davis
** Source: ''[[Toy Story]]'' (1995)

* Besides, when it all ends, I'll have old Buzz Lightyear to keep me company - for infinity and beyond.
** Who: Woody
* Yeah!
** Who: Wheezy
* (outtakes:) A little break, okay. Phew.
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''[[Toy Story 2]]'' (1999)

* So long, partner. Oh hey, Buzz! You haven't met Bonnie's toys yet! 
** Who: Woody
* (in-credits:) Just go with it, Buzz.
** Who: Jessie
** Source: ''[[Toy Story 3]]'' (2010)

* He's not lost. Not anymore. To infinity...
* ...and beyond.
** Who 1: Buzz Lightyear
** Who 2: Woody
* (mid-credits 1:) Oh yeah. Leave it to us, Jermiah.
** Who: Ducky
* (mid-credits 2:) Yeah. We know exactly what to do.
** Who: Bunny
* (mid-credits 3:) Whoa.
** Who: Duke Caboom
* (mid-credits 4:) I don't know.
** Who: Forky
* (post-credits:) Caboom! Yes.
** Who: Duke Caboom
** Source: ''[[Toy Story 4]]'' (2019)

* To infinity...
* ...and beyond.
** Who 1: Izzy Hawthorne
** Who 2: Buzz Lightyear
* (mid-credits:) [laughs] Laser Shield.
**Who: Commander Burnside
*(post-credits:) Ask the bromite swamps, a breathtaking sight or so I am told, but if you're in a hurry, this would be your most direct route. Any questions? Hello? Oh...
**Who: E.R.I.C.
** Source: ''[[Lightyear (film)|Lightyear]]'' (2022)

=== ''[[Winnie the Pooh]]'' film series ===

* Wherever they go, and whatever happens to them on the way, in their enchanted place on top of the forest, a little bear will always be waiting.
** Who: The narrator
** Source: ''[[The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh]]'' (1977)

* Yes, Piglet. It's the least we could do... for a very small Piglet who's done such very big things. Thank you, Piglet.
** Who: Pooh
** Source: ''[[Piglet's Big Movie]]'' (2003)

* And so it is here we shall leave them. And here we shall find them again. For the boy and the bear will always be together in this remarkable place called the Hundred Acre Wood.
** Who: The narrator
** Source: ''[[Pooh's Grand Adventure: The Search for Christopher Robin]]'' (1997)

* You know, we never really did capture a Heffalump that day. It was more like... like Lumpy captured all of us.
** Who: Pooh
** Source: ''[[Pooh's Heffalump Movie]]'' (2005)

* You were right! I love Hallowoon! Hallow-woo... Hallow... Oh, whatever. As long as we're together!
** Who: Lumpy
** Source: ''[[Pooh's Heffalump Halloween Movie]]'' (2006)

* Look this way, everybody. Closer. Smile!
** Who: Christopher Robin
** Source: ''[[The Tigger Movie]]'' (2000)

* Silly old bear.
** Who: Christopher Robin
* (post-credits:) Wow! It's amazing what you can find in the woods. A marble! And a boot! And oh, my, that's a scary-lookin' fella. Gosh! Maybe these are his things. You know, I better pick 'em up so they won't get broken. That's the last thing I would want. Whoa!  Oh, my gosh! Is this a pit? I think I'm in a pit! Hello? Anybody up there? Oh, well. I sure hope that fella will be back soon.
** Who: The Backson
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh (film)|Winnie the Pooh]]'' (2011)
** Note: He comes out of the scary woods and proves to be real but instead of being a monstrous beast, he is actually very kind and the bait Pooh and the other left for him he decided to pick them up to return to them but falls into the pit as planned. He decides to wait for someone to help him out and hopes he'll be back soon.

* And so another Christmas came and went in the Hundred Acre Wood. It had been a joyous season of giving for all our friends, but especially for a little bear named Winnie the Pooh.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh: Seasons of Giving]]'' (1999)

* Not bad! But it could've used a few more jingly bells.
** Who: Tigger
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh: A Very Merry Pooh Year]]'' (2002)

* BBFN: Bye-Bye For Now!
** Who: Roo
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh: Springtime With Roo]]'' (2004)

=== ''[[Winx Club]]'' film series ===

* And thus, the fairy that was searching for her origins learned to believe in herself, and to trust the people she loved. She stayed true to herself, and to what she believed in, and won her greatest battle, saving her kingdom, freeing her people, and reuniting her family, and finally becoming a true guardian fairy. And now written in the Book of Fate, there's a new Company of Light... the Winx!
** Who: Bartelby (Dubbing Brothers)
* And so, the most strong-willed of all fairies overcame the greatest challenge. She learned to believe in herself and trust the people she loved. She stayed true to what was in her heart and in doing so she saved a kingdom, freed her people, and reunited her long-lost family. And finally, she became a true Guardian Fairy. And now written in the Book of Fate, there's a new Company of Light, called... the Winx!
** Who: Bartelby (Atlas Oceanic)
* (pre-credits:) And soon we'll loop their stupid little fairy wings right off their bodies!
** Who: Icy (Dubbing Brothers)
* (pre-credits:) And soon we reap their weak little fairy wings right of their bodies!
** Who: Icy (Atlas Oceanic)
** Source: ''[[Winx Club: The Secret of the Lost Kingdom]]'' (2007)

* Daddy...
** Who: Bloom
* (post-credits:) Ta-da!!!
** Who: Stella
** Source: ''[[Winx Club 3D: Magical Adventure]]'' (2010)

* Kiko... Thank you! I'm really dying for an ice cream!
** Who: Sky
** Source: ''[[Winx Club: The Mystery of the Abyss]]'' (2014)

=== ''[[w:Wreck-It Ralph (franchise)|Wreck-It Ralph]]'' film series ===

* But I gotta say, the best part of my day is when I get thrown off the roof. Because when the Nicelanders lift me up, I get a perfect view of Sugar Rush, and I can see Vanellope racing. The kid's a natural, the players love her, glitch and all, just like I knew they would. Turns out I don't need a medal to tell me I'm a good guy. Because if that little kid likes me... how bad can I be?
** Who: [[w:Wreck-it Ralph (character)|Wreck-it Ralph]]
** Source: ''[[Wreck-It Ralph]]'' (2012)

* Come on Felix, let's get to work, buddy.
* (mid-credits:) No, the kitty gets the milkshake. The bunny gets the pancake.
* (post-credits:) Oh no, why would I?! I like you! You guys still sticking around? Alright well, you're welcome to stay, there's not really anymore surprises but you know. Good luck getting that song out of your head it's a real ear wig. Anyway what else uh...
** Who: [[w:Wreck-it Ralph (character)|Wreck-it Ralph]]
** Source: ''[[Ralph Breaks the Internet]]'' (2018)

== Streaming service films ==

=== Disney+ films ===

* Hey! Movie's over! Go home!
** Who: Terry
** Source: ''[[Soul (2020 film)|Soul]]'' (2020)

=== Netflix films ===

* Well, rickety biscuit.
** Who: Edmée
** Source: ''[[Arlo the Alligator Boy]]'' (2021)

* Yay! I missed you so much!
** Who: GIR
** Source: ''[[Invader Zim: Enter the Florpus]]'' (2019)

* No!
** Who: Bobby Santiago
* (in-credits:) Just the right amount of cinnamon.
** Who: Lincoln Loud
** Source: ''[[The Loud House Movie]]'' (2021)

* Whew! Hey, guys. What did I miss? ''AAAAAAHHHHH''--
** Who: Balloon Pony
* (post-credits:) Me first!
** Who: Kid Earth Pony 1
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: A New Generation]]'' (2021)

* Woo-hoo...OOF!
** Who: Hilda
** Source: ''[[Hilda and The Mountain King]]'' (2021)

* Two thousand one boogers on the wall, two thousand and one boogers... Pick one out and flick it off, two thousand and two boogers on the wall. Two thousand and two boogers on the wall, two thousand and two boogers...
** Who: Mr. Dupette
** Source: ''[[Rocko's Modern Life: Static Cling]]'' (2019)

=== Paramount+ films ===

* We just had another call asking to speak with Victor Chouce. You're quite a popular man, Victor. I wonder what all the fuss is about. Don't feel like talking, huh? You will.
** Who: Warden
** Source: ''[[South Park: Post Covid]]'' (2021)

* Remember folks, weed can't solve all your problems but tegridy can. Tegridy Weeeed.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[South Park: Post Covid: The Return of Covid]]'' (2021)

* Yeah, well, you see, ManBearPig, eventually, he gonna kill everybody. He just gonna kill you first.
** Who: Pi-Pi
** Source: ''[[South Park: The Streaming Wars]]'' (2022)

* Yeah, but that all sounds really hard. We have enough water for the summer now. Fuck it. Let's smoke some weed!
** Who: Randy Marsh
** Source: ''[[South Park: The Streaming Wars Part 2]]'' (2022)

== Animated TV specials ==

* D.W., turn that thing off!
** Who: Arthur Read
** Source: ''Arthur's Perfect Christmas'' (2000)
* Well, you kids will never believe this, but I could almost swear I saw a cat – a Cat in the Hat, mind you – going down the street with a moss-covered three-handled family gradunza!
** Who: Mother
** Source: ''[[The Cat in the Hat (TV special)|The Cat in the Hat]]'' (1971)
* C'mon, sis. Let's go talk to Mom and Dad.
** Who: Michael
** Source: ''[[Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue]]'' (1990)

* There is a story, some kids tell about when the world was ruled by an evil adult. A story about a boy, his dad, a book, and a tree. It's the true story about how I found the book of KND and what I wrote in it. Five words only. WE. ARE. KIDS. NEXT. DOOR.
** Who: Nigel Uno (Numbuh One)
** Source: ''[[Codename: Kids Next Door - Operation Z.E.R.O.]]'' (2006)

* It's taken me so many years, so many lifetimes, but at last I know where I'm going. Where I've always been going. Home, the long way round.
** Who: The [[Eleventh Doctor]]
** Source: ''[[Eleventh Doctor|Doctor Who: The Day of the Doctor]]'' (2013)

* Mr. Phillip has wished, and so I shall use my power. With a wave of my hands, I shall say, &quot;au revoir, Eiffel Tower!&quot;
** Who: Adil
** Source: ''[[Genie in the House|Genie in the House: Legend of the Dragon]]'' (2010)

* Oh, I love it, Philip, I love it too bits!
** Who: Max Baxter
** Source: ''[[Genie in the House|Genie in the House: Return to Balamkadaar]]'' (2008)

* We'll be waiting right here.
** Who: Stella Shortman
** Source: ''[[Hey Arnold!: The Jungle Movie]]'' (2017)

* Welcome, Christmas, bring your cheer. Cheer to all Whos far and near. Christmas Day is in our grasp, so as long as we have hands to clap, Christmas Day will always be just as long as we have. Welcome, Christmas. While we stand... Heart to heart... and hand to hand.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[w: How the Grinch stole Christmas|Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas]]'' (1966)

* Merry Christmas!
** Who: [[w:Santa Claus|Santa Claus]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: A Mammoth Christmas]]'' (2011)

* The ship is terrible! Not seaworthy! Bunny overboard!
** Who: [[w:List_of_Ice_Age_characters#Squint|Squint]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: The Great Egg-Scapade]]'' (2016)
** Note: Squint trying to sail away in a basket as a ship but unfortunately it sinks.

* Merry Christmas and happy Julianuary, everybody!
** Who: Mort
** Source: ''[[Merry Madagascar]]'' (2009)

* Two, three four!
** Who: River
** Source: ''My Scene: Jammin' in Jamaica'' (2004)

* To sharing secrets with the best friends anyone could ever have!
** Who: Chelsea
** Source: ''My Scene: Masquerade Madness'' (2004)

* What? It's none of your business!
** Who: Beth
** Source: ''Polly Pocket: Lunar Eclipse'' (2003)

* Still, it was mad fun!
** Who: Pia Pocket
** Source: ''Polly Pocket: 2 Cool at the Pocket Plaza'' (2005)

* Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho!
** Who: [[w:Santa Claus|Santa Claus]]
** Source: ''[[Stick Man]]'' (2015)

* Okay, next time, we're going to Mexico. OW!
** Who: Beast Boy
** Source: ''[[Teen Titans: Trouble in Tokyo]]'' (2006)

* Above all, do not lament my absence, for in my spark, I know that this is not the end, but merely a new beginning. Simply put, another transformation.
** Who: Optimus Prime
** Source: ''[[Transformers: Prime|Transformers: Prime - Predacons Rising]]'' (2013)

* First one inside gets to give him mouth to mouth!
** Who: Lee
* (post-credits:) It's the end of the movie? What movie?
** Who: Jonny 2X4
** Source: ''[[Ed, Edd n Eddy's Big Picture Show]]'' (2009)

* That night, the stars seemed to shine down on the forest with a special warm glow. Schaeffer wondered if he could have dreamt it all. Surely a star had fallen and spread magic in its path? And one special wish had come true, just now. And then Schaeffer stopped wondering, because he suddenly knew that if Broo had made it to the Evergreen Forest, then he would soon see Sophia and the Raccoons too.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Raccoons and the Lost Star]]'' (1983)

=== ''[[Futurama]]'' ===

* Well, we're boned.
** Who: Bender
** Source: ''[[Futurama: Bender's Big Score]]'' (2007)

* Because Bender knows love. And love doesn't share itself with the world. Love is suspicious, love is needy, love is fearful, love is greedy. My friends, there is no great love without great jealousy. I love you, meatbags.
** Who: Bender
** Source: ''[[Futurama: The Beast with a Billion Backs]]'' (2008)

* Faster! Faster! Slower!
** Who: Professor Farnsworth
** Source: ''[[Futurama: Bender's Game]]'' (2008)

* Go! Go!
** Who: Fry and Leela
** Source: ''[[Futurama: Into the Wild Green Yonder]]'' (2009)

=== ''[[The Jimmy Timmy Power Hour Specials]]'' ===

* GET OUT OF MY LAB!
** Who: Jimmy Neutron
** Source: ''Jimmy Timmy Power Hour'' (2004)

* Boys, boys! Please! This fighting over me has got to stop!
** Who: Cindy Vortex
** Source: ''Jimmy Timmy Power Hour 2: When Nerds Collide'' (2006)

* Okay, give him his brain back, boys.
** Who: Cindy Vortex
** Source: ''Jimmy Timmy Power Hour 3: The Jerkinators'' (2006)

=== ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls'' specials ===

* Me too!
** Who: Sour Sweet
** Source: ''Dance Magic'' (2017)

* Uh, sorry.
** Who: Human Rainbow Dash
** Source: ''Movie Magic'' (2017)

* Right.
** Who: Starlight Glimmer
** Source: ''Mirror Magic'' (2017)

* Oh, come on! Seriously?!
** Who: Human Rainbow Dash
** Source: ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Forgotten Friendship'' (2018)

* If you’re up for it.
** Who: Human Rarity
** Source: ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Rollercoaster of Friendship'' (2018)

* We’re baaaack!
** Who: Sunset Shimmer
** Source: ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Spring Breakdown'' (2019)

* Yeah, I guess it would’ve been!
** Who: Human Pinkie Pie
** Source: ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Sunset's Backstage Pass'' (2020)

=== ''[[Miraculous Ladybug]]'' ===

* Hmm.
** Who: Monk
** Source: ''[[Miraculous World: New York – United Heroez]]'' (2020)

* Coming to China, I found so much more than I'd ever hoped for: an amazing uncle, a new friend, and a new Mandarin teacher.
** Who: Marinette Dupain-Cheng
** Source: ''[[Miraculous World: Shanghai – The Legend of Ladydragon]]'' (2020)

=== ''Peanuts'' ===

* Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown!
** Who: Everyone
** Source: ''[[A Charlie Brown Christmas]]'' (1965)

* My grandmother lives in a condominium.
** Who: Charlie Brown
** Source: ''[[A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving]] (1973)

* To read Crime and Punishment by Dostoevsky. Happy New Year, Charlie Brown.
** Who: [[w:Linus van Pelt|Linus van Pelt]]
** Source: ''[[Happy New Year, Charlie Brown]]'' (1986)

* Ah...the Easter Beagle...
** Who: Lucy van Pelt
** Source: ''[[It's the Easter Beagle, Charlie Brown]]'' (1974)

* STUPID? What do you mean &quot;stupid&quot;?! Just wait till next year, Charlie Brown! You'll see! Next year at this same time, I'll find a pumpkin patch that is *real* sincere and I'll sit in that pumpkin patch until the Great Pumpkin appears. He'll rise out of that pumpkin patch and he'll fly through the air with his bag of toys. The Great Pumpkin will appear and I'll be waiting for him! I'll be there! I'll be sitting there in that pumpkin patch... and I'll see the Great Pumpkin. Just wait and see, Charlie Brown. I'll see that Great Pumpkin. I'll SEE the Great Pumpkin! Just you wait, Charlie Brown. The Great Pumpkin will appear, and I'll be waiting for him...!
** Who: Linus van Pelt
** Source: ''[[It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown]]'' (1966)

* Grandma?
** Who: Linus van Pelt
** Source: ''Happiness is a Warm Blanket, Charlie Brown'' (2011)

* Charlie Brown, get your stupid dog to stop playing this music!
** Who: Lucy van Pelt
** Source: ''[[It's the Pied Piper, Charlie Brown]]'' (2000)

=== ''Rankin/Bass'' ===

* Merry Christmas! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
** Who: Santa Claus
** Source: ''[[Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (TV special)|Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer]]'' (1964)

* Aaron's heart was filled with joy and love. And he knew at last that the hate he had carried there was wrong. As ALL hatred will ever be wrong. For more powerful, more beautiful by far than all the eons of sadness and cruelty and desolation which had come before, was that one tiny, crystalline second of laughter. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.
** Who: Our Storyteller
** Source: ''[[The Little Drummer Boy (film)|The Little Drummer Boy]]'' (1968)

* I'll be back on Christmas Day!
** Who: Frosty
** Source: ''[[Frosty the Snowman (TV special)|Frosty the Snowman]]'' (1969)

* Merry Christmas!
** Who: Children
** Source: ''[[Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town (film)|Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town]]'' (1970)

* Happy Easter Day!
** Who: Everyone
** Source: ''[[Here Comes Peter Cottontail]]'' (1971)

* Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!
** Who: Santa Claus
** Source: ''[['Twas the Night Before Christmas (1974 TV special)|'Twas the Night Before Christmas]]'' (1974)

* I dreamed unhappy things!
** Who: Santa Claus
** Source: ''[[The Year Without a Santa Claus]]'' (1974)

* And frosty, too!
** Who: Frosty and Crystal
** Source: ''[[Frosty's Winter Wonderland]]'' (1976)

* And may it be shiny, too!
** Who: Rudolph
** Source: ''[[Rudolph's Shiny New Year]]'' (1976)

* Okay!
** Who: Rudolph
** Source: ''[[Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July]]'' (1979)

* And so, the folks of Beansborough got their winter carnival after all. A tradition was saved. Summer Wheeze was permanently canned, and Mr. Twitchell decided to make sleds instead of trouble. He should have known he was no match for Mother Nature, or a little girl like Holly. Next stop: Winnipeg. Nice town, plenty of parking space, and lots of cocoa.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Frosty Returns]]'' (1992)

=== ''Marvel Rising'' franchise ===

=== ''Thomas and Friends'' specials ===

* Emily was delighted. That night, the engines talked about steamies, diesels, and airplanes, and they all agreed that Tidmouth sheds was the best place to be.
** Who: The narrator
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Calling All Engines]]'' (2005)

* But we're ALL leaders of the track!
* And he couldn't have been happier!
** Who 1: Thomas
** Who 2: The narrator
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|The Great Discovery]]'' (2008)

* I know, Thomas. Thank you.
** Who: Hiro
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Hero of the Rails]]'' (2008)

* And everyone giggled and jiggled.
** Who: The narrator
* (post-credits:) You'll be laughing on the other side of your boilers soon, silly steamies! ''(evil laugh)'' Yes...
** Who: Diesel 10
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Misty Island Rescue]]'' (2010)
** Note: The latter aforementioned line leads into the events of ''Day of the Diesels''. 

* And the two best friends giggled and jiggled with joy.
** Who: The narrator
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Day of the Diesels]]'' (2011)

* And no engine whistled louder than Thomas and Luke!
** Who: The narrator
* (in-credits:) It's me!
** Who: Rheneas
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Blue Mountain Mystery]]'' (2012)

* Knights in Shining Armor, on your mark, get set, go!
** Who: Sir Robert Norramby
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|King of the Railway]]'' (2013)

* Percy was sad to say goodbye to his new friend, but he was happy that he had his old friends beside him.
** Who: The narrator
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Tale of the Brave]]'' (2014)

* But I'm not Mr. Coffee Pot, my name is Glynn.
** Who: Glynn
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|The Adventure Begins]]'' (2015)

* One, two, threeeeeeeee!!!
** Who: Scuba divers' captain
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Sodor's Legend of the Lost Treasure]]'' (2015)

* Good idea! You ''are'' clever. Sometimes.
** Who: Ashima
* (in-credits:) OVER HERE! I'M FULL OF SURPRISES...!
** Who: Diesel
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|The Great Race]]'' (2016)

* What did I miss?
** Who: Henry
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Journey Beyond Sodor]]'' (2017)

* Thomas?
** Who: Ace
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Big World! Big Adventures!]]'' (2018)

=== ''Winnie the Pooh'' specials ===

* No worry! Take your time! Yum, yum!
** Who: Winnie the Pooh
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh and the Honey Tree]]'' (1966)

* And Piglet, too!
** Who: Piglet
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh and the Blustery Day]]'' (1968)

* Come on, everybody! Bounce!
** Who: Rabbit
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh and Tigger Too]]'' (1974)

* Of course you are. Silly old bear.
** Who: Christopher Robin
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh and a Day for Eeyore]]'' (1983)

* And so it was the most thankful day of Thanksgiving, for of all the things we've had or ever liked, the grandest thing we shall ever have is one another... or so it was said, by a bear named Winnie the Pooh.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''A Winnie the Pooh Thanksgiving'' (1998)

* And so as winter changes into spring, which changes into summer, there are things which go on forever unchanging, such as the way a certain boy cares for a certain bear. And we will know for as long as we care to remember, that somewhere in that enchanted place, on top of the forest... a boy and his bear... will always be playing.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''Winnie the Pooh: A Valentine for You'' (1999)

=== ''Winx Club'' specials ===

* I AM A FAIRY!!!
** Who: Bloom
** Source: ''Winx Club: The Fate of Bloom'' (2011)

* The Trix took the Dragon Flame!
** Who: Bloom
** Source: ''Winx Club: Revenge of the Trix'' (2011)

* I don't know, but I guess we'll find out... together.
** Who: Sky
** Source: ''Winx Club: The Battle for Magix'' (2011)

* Get over here!
** Who: Bloom
** Source: ''Winx Club: The Shadow Phoenix'' (2011)

[[Category:Last lines|Animated films]]</text>
      <sha1>483qlur9ottpr4h0u025m6fixz7dlar</sha1>
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    <revision>
      <id>3153858</id>
      <parentid>3153857</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-12T10:12:42Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
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      <comment>/* Netflix films */</comment>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="85945" xml:space="preserve">== Animated films ==

* I'm not sure, exactly. But this world is ours now. It's what we make of it.
** Who: 9
** Source: ''[[9 (2009 animated film)|9]]'' (2009)

* Stop attacking me! Why do you always have to attack me now?! Sit, stay, sit!
** Who: King Llort
** Source: ''[[A Troll in Central Park]]'' (1994)

* No laughing. I’m serious.
** Who: Nai Nai
** Source: ''[[Abominable (2019 film)|Abominable]]'' (2019)

* Man, I'm getting out of here.
** Who: [[w:Bing Crosby|Bing Crosby]]
** Source: ''[[The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad]]'' (1949)

* Bye-bye!
** Who: Rocky
** Source: ''[[The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle]]'' (2000)

* He'll be back.
** Who: Charlie B. Barkin
** Source: ''[[All Dogs Go to Heaven]]'' (1989)

* Hey, guys! I worked a little magic.
** Who: David
** Source: ''[[All Dogs Go to Heaven 2]]'' (1996)

* Buh-bye!
** Who: Fievel and Tanya Mousekewitz
** Source: ''[[An American Tail]]'' (1986)

* I think one day you'll find... that you're the hero you've been lookin'for.
** Who: Wylie
** Source: ''[[An American Tail: Fievel Goes West]]'' (1991)

* Huh? Wow!
** Who: Fievel Mousekewitz
** Source: ''[[An American Tail: The Treasure of Manhattan Island]]'' (1998)

* Sweet dreams, my little Fievel. Sweet dreams.
** Who: Mama Mousekewitz
** Source: ''[[An American Tail: The Mystery of the Night Monster]]'' (1999)

* So long, everybody.
** Who: Bartok
** Source: ''[[Anastasia (1997 film)|Anastasia]]'' (1997)

* To the animals, it now seemed that their world, which may or may not some day become a happy place to live in, was worse than ever for ordinary creatures, and another moment had come when they must do something about it...
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Animal Farm (1954 film)|Animal Farm]]'' (1954)

* There you have it. Your average 'boy-meets-girl, boy-likes-girl, boy-changes-underlying-social-order' story. So, what else can I tell you? We rebuilt the colony - it's even better than before, you know, 'cause now it has a very large indoor swimming pool. Bala and I, incidentally, are thinking of starting a family. You know, just a few kids, maybe a million or two to begin with. And I'm, I'm workin' with a new therapist, you know, terrific, absolutely terrific. He's, he's been putting me in touch with my inner maggot, which is helping me a great deal. And, you know, I finally feel like I've found my place. And you know what? It's right back where I started. But the difference is, this time I chose it.
** Who: Z
** Source: ''[[Antz]]'' (1998)

* Wait a minute. I'm the leader. I'll say when it's the end. It's the end.
** Who: Napoleon
** Source: ''[[The Aristocats]]'' (1970)

* So long, folks.
** Who: Bartok
** Source: ''[[Bartok the Magnificent]]'' (1999)

* I am.
** Who: Andrea Beaumont
** Source: ''[[Batman: Mask of the Phantasm]]'' (1993)

* Tool.
** Who: Butt-head
** Source: ''[[Beavis and Butt-head Do America]]'' (1996)

* Between you and me, I was dying to get out of that office.
** Who: Barry Benson
* (post-credits:) I had virtually no rehearsal for that.
** Who: Barry Benson
** Source: ''[[Bee Movie]]'' (2007)

* We didn't set out to be superheroes... But sometimes, life doesn't go the way you planned. The good thing is, my brother wanted to help a lot of people, and that's what we're gonna do. Who are we?
** Who: Hiro Hamada
* (post-credits:) We have a lot to talk about.
** Who: Fred's Dad
** Source: ''[[Big Hero 6]]'' (2014) 

* Nope. I've never seen him before in my life.
** Who: A pigeon
** Source: ''[[Bolt (2008 film)|Bolt]]'' (2008)

* Yep.
** Who: Doli
** Source: ''[[The Black Cauldron (film)|The Black Cauldron]]'' (1985)

* Bye!
** Who: Steve and Blue
** Source: ''[[Blue's Big Musical Movie]]'' (2000)

* Yay! They're staying! Let's do this....
** Who: Scoop
** Source: ''[[Bob The Builder: Mega Machines The Movie]]'' (2017)

* Hi there, baby sister.
** Who: Timothy's daughter
* (mid-credits:) Okay.
** Who: Mrs. Templeton
* (post-credits:) Wake up, little halflings. It's time to leave. Go and live your peasant lives. BE GONE WITH YOU!
** Who: Wizzie
** Source: ''[[The Boss Baby]]'' (2017)

* There are those who say fate is something beyond our command. That destiny is not our own, but I know better. Our fate lives within us. You only have to be brave enough to see it.
** Who: Merida
* (post-credits:) Delivery! Sign here, sign here! Come on, birdbrain! Haven't got all day!
** Who: The Crow
** Source: ''[[Brave (2012 film)|Brave]]'' (2012)

* My brother Kenai went on to live with Koda and the other bears. He taught me that love is very powerful. And I passed on the wisdom of his story to our people. The story of a boy who became a man...by becoming a bear.
** Who: Old Denahi
* (post-credits) Cut, cut. Ooh.
** Who: Koda
** Source: ''[[Brother Bear]]'' (2003)

* Present stalks! Harvester, salute!
** Who: Thorny
* (in-credits:) Spinning a web of safety in less in 15... Ow!
** Who: P.T.
** Source: ''[[A Bug's Life]]'' (1998)

* TRA-LA-LAAAAAAAA!!!
** Who: Captain Underpants/Mr. Krupp
* (in-credits:) NO!
** Who: Secretary
** Source: ''[[Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie]]'' (2017)

* Get a picture, boys. These kids will be making history!
** Who: L.B. Mammoth
* Hmph!
** Who: Darla Dimple
** Source: ''[[Cats Don't Dance]]'' (1997)

* Wilbur never forgot Charlotte. Although he loved her children and grandchildren dearly, none of the new spiders ever quite took her place in his heart. She was in a class by herself. It's not often that someone comes along who's a true friend and a good writer. Charlotte was both.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Charlotte's Web (1973 film)|Charlotte's Web]]'' (1973)

*Oh, Ace!
**Who: Movie Abby
**Source: ''[[Chicken Little (2005 film)|Chicken Little]]'' (2005)

* Hang on. Let's go over this again?
** Who: Fetcher
* (in-credits:) I don't know.
** Who: Nick
** Source: ''[[Chicken Run]]'' (2000)

* Coco!
** Who: Héctor
** Source: ''[[Coco (2017 film)|Coco]]'' (2017)

* Well, so long, glamor boy!
** Who: Jim Crow
** Source: ''[[Dumbo]]'' (1941)

* I'm so proud of you guys.
** Who: Kronk
** Source: ''[[The Emperor's New Groove]]'' (2000)

* Oh, how cute.
** Who: Yzma
** Source: ''[[Kronk's New Groove]]'' (2005)

* To kindness and love, the things we need most!
** Who: [[w:The Grinch|The Grinch]]
** Source: ''[[The Grinch (film)|Dr. Seuss' The Grinch]]'' (2018)

* Well, come on, Baggy buddy! Let's get back to where we belong. And get with the beat!
** Who: Baloo
** Source: ''[[The Jungle Book (1967 film)|The Jungle Book]]'' (1967)

* Yeah, man!
** Who: Baloo
** Source: ''[[The Jungle Book 2]]'' (2003)

* And so, all ended well for both Horton and Whos. And for all in the jungle, even Kangaroos. So let that be a lesson to one and to all. A person's a person. No matter how small.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Horton Hears a Who! (film)|Dr. Seuss' Horton Hears a Who!]]'' (2008)

* You done good, Beanpole. You done good. By the way, nice mustache.
** Who: [[w:The Lorax|The Lorax]]
** Source: ''[[The Lorax (film)|Dr. Seuss' The Lorax]]'' (2012)

* Somebody! Stop those pants!
** Who: Scrooge McDuck
** Source: ''[[DuckTales|DuckTales the Movie: Treasure of the Lost Lamp]]'' (1990)

* Aw, shit cunt!
** Who: Spanky Ham
** Source: ''[[The Drawn Together Movie: The Movie!]]'' (2010)

* Go fish.
** Who: Smiler
** Source: ''[[The Emoji Movie]]'' (2017)

* Everyone together...
* La Familia Madrigal!
** Who: Abuela Alma Madrigal
** Who 2: The Madrigals
** Source: ''[[Encanto (film)|Encanto]]'' (2021)

* Mmm... that was a good toast.
** Who: Ash
** Source: ''[[Fantastic Mr. Fox (film)|Fantastic Mr. Fox]]'' (2009)

* Yeah, forever.
** Who: Copper
** Source: ''[[The Fox and the Hound]]'' (1981)

* Yeah. Well, good night, Willie. Don't slam the roof. You might wake Mr. Bergen.
** Who: Mortimer
** Source: ''[[Fun and Fancy Free]]'' (1947)

* Enchante, Madamoiselle!
** Who: Goofy
** Source: ''[[A Goofy Movie]]'' (1995)

* You know, somehow I knew you would. Ah-yuck!
** Who: Goofy
** Source: ''[[An Extremely Goofy Movie]]'' (2000)

* Arlo!
** Who: Momma Ida
** Source: ''[[The Good Dinosaur]]'' (2015)

* From that time on, Basil and I were a close team, and over the years we had many cases together. But I shall always look back on that first with the most fondness: My introduction to Basil of Baker Street: ''The Great Mouse Detective.''
** Who: Dawson
** Source: ''[[The Great Mouse Detective]]'' (1986)

* Yeah, things are looking up around here now.
** Who: Pokey
** Source: ''[[Gumby: The Movie]]'' (1995)

* That's Phil's boy!
** Who: The Strong Man
* (post-credits:) What d'ya say? It's happy ending time! Everybody's got a little taste of something, but me! I got nothin'! I'm, I'm here with nothin'! Anybody listenin'? It's like I'm... What am I, an echo or something? Hello? Hello? Am I talking to, what, hyperspace? Hello, it's me! Nobody listens.
** Who: Hades
** Source: ''[[Hercules (1997 film)|Hercules]]'' (1997)

* Show's over, Eugene.
** Who: Gerald Johanssen
** Source: ''[[Hey Arnold!: The Movie]]'' (2002)

* Everybody smile.
** Who: Lucy Tucci
** Source: ''[[Home (2015 film)|Home]]'' (2015) 

* Don't you ever migrate?
** Who: Laverne
* (post-credits:) Good night, everybody! Whoo-hoo-hoo!
** Who: Hugo
** Source: ''[[The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1996 film)|The Hunchback of Notre Dame]]'' (1996)

* And I love Quasimodo!!
** Who: Madellaine
** Source: ''[[The Hunchback of Notre Dame II]]'' (2002)

* We've been through a lot lately, that's for sure. But we still love our girl. She has great new friends, a great new house. Things couldn't be better. After all, Riley's twelve now. What could happen?
** Who: Joy
* (in-credits:) No! Not this again!
** Who: Bus Driver's Emotions
** Source: ''[[Inside Out (2015 film)|Inside Out]]'' (2015)

* See you later.
** Who: Hogarth Hughes
** Source: ''[[The Iron Giant]]'' (1999)

* I take it back.
** Who: Jane
** Source: ''[[Is It College Yet?]]'' (2002)

* Oh!
** Who: Helen
** Source: ''[[Is It Fall Yet?]]'' (2000)

* And that is exactly what you had just seen.
** Who: Old Man
** Source: ''[[James and the Giant Peach]]'' (1996)

* Ah, the fucking autopilot's broke!
** Who: Jay
** Source: ''[[Jay &amp; Silent Bob's Super Groovy Cartoon Movie]]'' (2013)

* Onward, Mr Wiggles. We reach the cafeteria by dawn. Waaaaah!
** Who: Ms. Winifred Fowl
** Source: ''[[Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius (film)|Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius]]'' (2001)

* Listen to them, Soren. They want more stories. Well, come on, you lot. Let's not disappoint them. Ah. There's a good storm brewing. And if we're lucky, I'll be chock full of baggywrinkles.
** Who: Ezylryb
** Source: ''[[Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole]]'' (2010)

* Never too big. You will always be my Little Bear.
** Who: Mother Bear
** Source: ''[[The Little Bear Movie]]'' (2001)

* That does it, Charlie Brown! He is your dog, and you're welcome to him.
** Who: Lucy Van Pelt
** Source: ''[[Snoopy, Come Home]]'' (1972)

* Let's go, bulls!
** Who: [[w:Bill Murray|Bill Murray]]
* (post-credits:) Can l go home now?
** Who: [[w:Michael Jordan|Michael Jordan]]
** Source: ''[[Space Jam]]'' (1996)

* Th-th-th-that's all, folks!
** Who: [[w:Porky Pig|Porky Pig]]
** Source: ''[[Space Jam: A New Legacy]]'' (2021)

* Nice work. See you tomorrow!
** Who: Director
* Go home, folks.
** Who: [[w:Porky Pig|Porky Pig]]
** Source: ''[[Looney Tunes: Back in Action]]'' (2003)

* WILMA!
** Who: [[w:Fred Flintstone|Fred Flintstone]]
** Source: ''[[The Man Called Flintstone]]'' (1966)

* In the state of Texas, USA, life still goes on in the same old way. The Pecos River still flows on, but the greatest cowboy on earth is gone. Yeah, Bill went back to the coyotes, but he never forgot Sue. Every night when the moon was high, he'd lift his voice in a mournful cry, bewailing the fate of his lady fair, his long-lost love in the sky up there. So painful was his grief to see, the varmints joined in out of sympathy. That's how come, to this very day, coyotes howl at the moon that way.
** Who: Roy Rogers
** Source: ''[[Melody Time]]'' (1948)

* Bravo, my friends! Our three heroes have finally made their dream come true. I think this calls for one more song!
** Who: Troubadour
** Source: ''[[Mickey, Donald, Goofy: The Three Musketeers]]'' (2004)

* Gee, thanks for letting us share our Christmas spirit with you. [laughs] Merry Christmas, everybody!
** Who: Mickey Mouse
** Source: ''[[w:Mickey's Magical Christmas: Snowed in the House of Mouse|Mickey's Magical Christmas: Snowed in at the House of Mouse]]'' (2001)

* Aw, phooey!
** Who: Donald Duck
** Source: ''[[Mickey's House of Villains]]'' (2002)

* So in the end, love is the reason that Christmas is more than a gift-giving season. It's a time with our loved ones to show that we care, When families and neighbors come together to share. So, this Christmas season, let us all do our parts To keep Christmas spirit alive in our hearts.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: '' ''[[Mickey's Once Upon a Christmas]]'' (1999)

* So, at last, Mickey learned what he'd missed from the start. Bells and holly mean little without friends in your heart. The magic of Christmas has its rhyme and its reason. We hope you and yours have a most joyous season.
** Who: Narrator
* Ho ho ho!
** Who: Santa Claus
** Source: '' ''[[Mickey's Twice Upon a Christmas]]'' (2004)

* Welcome home!
** Who: A villager
* (post-credits:) Didn't help me though, did it? Still upside down here. Just need a little push. Can we be real? If my name was Sebastian and I had a cool Jamacian accent, you'd totally help me. You would. You know you would.
** Who: Tamatoa 
** Source: ''[[Moana (2016 film)|Moana]]'' (2016)
** Note: He is last seen after the credits, where he is still trapped and struggling to get off his shell, but to no avail. He asks the audience for assistance, and sarcastically quips that if his name was &quot;Sebastian&quot; and he had a Jamaican accent, the audience would feel happy to help him out (the reference to the supporting character of the same name from Disney's [[w:The Little Mermaid (1989 film)|The Little Mermaid]]). It is unknown if he ever got back up or if he starved.

* Wait, wait, wait, wa-wa-wait?! You were dating Derek, too?! That two-timing jerk!
** Who: B.O.B.
* (mid-credits:) Time to wave the white flag and head for the bunker, boys. Let's check the situation in 500 years! Who wants to freeze my head?
** Who: President Hathaway
** Source: ''[[Monsters vs. Aliens]]'' (2009)

* Mushu!
** Who: Great Ancestor
** Source: ''[[Mulan (1998 film)|Mulan]]'' (1998)

* Does a hero dragon deserve anything less? Draw my bath! Warm my towels! Let the pampering begin!
** Who: Mushu
** Source: ''[[Mulan II]]'' (2004)

* Okay! That is the most awesome name ever!
** Who: Pinkie Pie
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: The Movie (2017 film)|My Little Pony: The Movie]]'' (2017)

* I can't think of anything better.
** Who: Madison
** Source: ''My Scene Goes Hollywood: The Movie'' (2005)

* And the moral of our story is...
** Who: Yakko Warner
** Source: ''Wakko's Wish'' (1999)

* What a delightful scoundrel.
** Who: Winston
** Source: ''[[Oliver &amp; Company]]'' (1988)

* Whoa-ho, yeah-ha!
** Who: Barley Lightfoot
** Source: ''[[Onward (film)|Onward]]'' (2020)

* Left foot, right foot... Ah, who needs feet when you got fins! Whoo-hoo!
** Who: Tanglefoot
** Source: ''[[Ooops! Noah Is Gone...]]'' (2015)

* Oh, well. Out with the old, in with the new, huh?
** Who: Frank Detorre
** Source: ''[[Osmosis Jones]]'' (2001)

* There's a secret between you and me, Baby.
** Who: Higgins
** Source: ''[[The Outback (2012 film)|The Outback]]'' (2012)

* Shoot!
** Who: RJ
** Source: ''[[Over the Hedge]]'' (2006)

* And Liberty!
** Who: Liberty
** Source: ''[[PAW Patrol: The Movie]]'' (2021)

* Wait, wait, wait!
** Who: Phineas Flynn
** Source: ''[[Phineas and Ferb the Movie: Across the 2nd Dimension]]'' (2011)

* Well, I'll be! Ho-ho-ho! My, my! Solid gold, too. Oh, I think it's swell.
** Who: Jiminy Cricket
** Source: ''[[Pinocchio (1940 film)|Pinocchio]]'' (1940)

* Godspeed, John.
** Who: Thomas
** Source: ''[[Pocahontas (1995 film)|Pocahontas]]'' (1995)

* At one time, most of my friends could hear the bell. But as years passed, it felt silent for all of them. Even Sarah found, one Christmas, that she could no longer hear its sweet sound. Though I've grown old, the bell still rings for me. As it does for all who truly believe.
** Who: Adult Hero Boy
** Source: ''[[The Polar Express]]'' (2004)

* Sure!
** Who: Evie and Tori
** Source: ''PollyWorld'' (2006)

* Sugar, spice, and everything nice. These were the ingredients chosen to create the perfect little girl. But, Professor Utonium accidentally added an extra ingredient to the concoction. Chemical X. Thus, Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup were born. Using their ultra-super powers, they've dedicated their lives to fighting crime, and the forces of evil. And so for the very first time the day is saved thanks to... the Powerpuff Girls! Hey, that's a good name for them! Powerpuff Girls! Yeah! I like that! Wonder if ''they will?'' I'll run it by them. Powerpuff Girls! Mmm-hmm.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Powerpuff Girls Movie]]'' (2002)

* Well, I waited this long.
** Who: Charlotte LaBouff
** Source: ''[[The Princess and the Frog]]'' (2009)

* Yeah!
** Who: Background character
* (mid-credits 1) And gullible. I forgot to mention gullible.
** Who: [[w:Lucy|Lucy]]
* (mid-credits 2) A round of root beer for our hero the Flying Ace.
** Who: [[w:Marcie|Marcie]]
** Source: ''[[The Peanuts Movie]]'' (2015)

* Well done, Ayden.
** Who: Merlin
** Source: ''[[Quest for Camelot]]'' (1998)

* (theatrical version:) Rango!
** Who: The Mariachi Owls
* (extended version:) My fellow comrades. There will be times when you doubt yourself. When you feel pummeled by the catalclysms of life, remember this moment. Remember me. Know that I will be there, watching you... sometimes at inappropriate moments. That's part of the deal. And remember, that within all of us resides the true Spirit of We- Woah! Let's take it from the top.
** Who: Rango
** Source: ''[[Rango (2011 film)|Rango]]'' (2011)

* Hey, believe me, that story gets better when I tell it, okay? Come on! Bring some food over here, we're starving!
** Who: Django
** Source: ''[[Ratatouille]]'' (2007)

* Ba, welcome to Kumandra.
** Who: Raya
** Source: ''[[Raya and the Last Dragon]]'' (2021)

* Oh we're not late. We'll never going to be late again.
** Who: Rigby
** Source: ''[[Regular Show: The Movie]]'' (2015)

* Aw, phooey! Phooey!
** Who: Robert Benchley
** Source: ''[[The Reluctant Dragon (1941 film)|The Reluctant Dragon]]'' (1941)

* My name is Jack Frost, and I'm a Guardian. How do I know that? Because the Moon told me so. So when the Moon tells you something... ''believe it''.
** Who: Jack Frost
** Source: ''[[Rise of the Guardians]]'' (2012)

* Chel, we're not on the horse!
** Who: Tulio
** Source: ''[[The Road to El Dorado]]'' (2000)

* Well, folks, that's the way it really happened.
** Who: [[w:Alan-a-Dale|Allan-a-Dale]]
** Source: ''[[Robin Hood (1973 film)|Robin Hood]]'' (1973)

* Wait a minute, wait a minute! I-I-I was on the list! Come on, don't you know who I am? Wait! Whoa!
** Who: Tim the Gate Guard
** Source: ''[[Robots (2005 film)|Robots]]'' (2005)

* Hey, Edmond!
** Who: Chanticleer
** Source: ''[[Rock-a-Doodle]]'' (1991)

* As long as we're together. I'm ready to get baked and do anything.
** Who: Brenda
** Source: ''[[Sausage Party]]'' (2016)

* Thank you, Max.
** Who: Duke
* (mid-credits:) I'm home, Leonard. Were you a good boy, Leonard?
** Who: Leonard's Owner
* (post-credits:) All right, party's over!
** Who: Pops
** Source: ''[[The Secret Life of Pets]]'' (2016)

* Bye bye, momma and dada.
** Who: Liam
* (mid-credits:) Snowball, I'm back!
** Who: Molly
* (post-credits:) Okay. Moment's over.
** Who: Rooster
** Source: ''[[The Secret Life of Pets 2]]'' (2019)

* Oh, no!
** Who: Martin
** Source: ''[[The Secret of NIMH]]'' (1982)

* You got served!
** Who: The Shrimp
* Did somebody say CRAZY?!
** Who: Crazy Joe
* What you doing? Go on, get outta here! Go home! It's past your bedtime!
** Who: Mrs. Sanchez
** Source: ''[[Shark Tale]]'' (2004)

* Thanks, boy. Steady. Whoo-hoo!
** Who: Homer Simpson
* (mid-credits:) Smithers, I don't believe in suicides, but if you like to try, it would cheer me up to watch.
** Who: Mr. Burns
* (mid-credits 2:) This is Tom Hanks saying if you see me in person, please leave me be.
** Who: ''[[w:Tom Hanks|Tom Hanks]]''
* (in-credits:) Sequel?
** Who: Maggie Simpson
* (post-credits:) Four years of film school for this?
** Who: Squeaky-Voiced Teen
** Source: ''[[The Simpsons Movie]]'' (2007)

* All creatures great and small, welcome to the New Moon Theater!
** Who: Buster Moon
** Source: ''[[Sing (2016 film)|Sing]]'' (2016)

* Blue!
** Who: Merryweather
** Source: ''[[Sleeping Beauty]]'' (1957)

* Pro: if you go down there you'll meet lots of people. Con: Uh, you're not really a people person. Ugh, this is torture!
** Who: Fleem 
* (mid-credits:) Okay in 3, 2... On the next episode of... Wait am I missing a tooth?
** Who: Percy Patterson
** Source: ''[[Smallfoot (film)|Smallfoot]]'' (2018) 

* Blue cheese!
** Who: Everyone 
* (in-credits:) Am I going mad, Azrael? For the last time, get them to shut off this music!
** Who: [[w:Gargamel|Gargamel]]
** Source: ''[[Smurfs: The Lost Village]]'' (2017)

* Goodbye!
** Who: [[w:Snow White (Disney character)|Snow White]]
** Source: ''[[Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs]]'' (1937)

* Look!
** Who: Kyle Broflovski
* (post-credits:) Guys out there is hurted.
** Who: Ike Broflovski
** Source: ''[[South Park: Bigger, Longer &amp; Uncut]]'' (1999)

* I think I can handle it.
** Who: Chihiro Ogino (Sen)
** Source: ''[[Spirited Away]]'' (2001)
** Note: This line (per above) was heard in the English dub. The original Japanese dub's final line is &quot;Chihiro, let's get to our new home.&quot;

* Miles! Miles! Do you have a minute?
** Who: Gwen Stacy / Spider-Gwen
* You haven't seen pointing until I'm finished with you!
* You're accusing me of pointing while you're...!
** Who 1: Peter Parker / 1967 Spider-Man
** Who 2: Miguel O'Hara / 2099 Spider-Man
** Source: ''[[Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse]]'' (2018)

* You think you could handle them? They're not exactly easy to get along with.
** Who: Steven
** Source: ''[[Steven Universe: The Movie]]'' (2019)

* You love it.
** Who: Tulip
** Source: ''[[Storks (film)|Storks]]'' (2016)

* We did it. We really did it! Woo-hoo! Come on, guys! Yeah!
** Who: Richard
** Source: ''[[A Stork’s Journey]]'' (2017)

* Well, uh.... that's something like television. Without commercials.
** Who: Merlin
** Source: ''[[The Sword in the Stone (film)|The Sword in the Stone]]'' (1963)

* Yes, we are.
** Who: [[w:Flynn Rider|Eugene Fitzherbert]]
** Source: ''[[Tangled]]'' (2010)

* Ooo-ooo-ee-ah-ooo.
** Who: Jane Porter
** Source: ''[[Tarzan (1999 film)|Tarzan]]'' (1999)

* Woof!
** Who: Spot Helperman
** Source: ''[[Teacher's Pet (2004 film)|Teacher's Pet]]'' (2004)

* Wait, wait, wait, wait, WAIT! KIDS, ASK YOUR PARENTS WHERE BABIES COME FROM!
** Who: 2013 Robin
* (mid-credits:) This is the ''[[Teen Titans (TV series)|Teen Titans]]''! Can anyone hear us? We think we found a way back!
** Who: 2003 Robin
* Challengers! I believe we may have missed the motion picture!
** Who: Unknown Challenger
** Source: ''[[Teen Titans Go! To the Movies]]'' (2018)

* Avengers! Assemble!
** Who: James Rogers
** Source: ''Next Avengers: Heroes of Tomorrow'' (2008)

* And of course, they lived happily ever after.
** Who: Jacquimo
** Source: ''[[Thumbelina (1994 film)|Thumbelina]]'' (1994)

* We live together, we train together, we fight together, we stand for good, together. We are Ninjas. We strike hard, defend, protect and fade into the night. And there ain't no bad guy or monster gonna ever change that: That's what's important. And that's why we'll always be brothers. Oh, I love bein' a turtle.
** Who: [[w:Raphael (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Raphael]]
** Source: ''[[TMNT (film)|TMNT]]'' (2007)

* Tom! Jerry! Welcome to your new home!
** Who: Robyn Starling
** Source: ''[[Tom and Jerry: The Movie]]'' (1992)

* Til All Are One!, Till All Are One!, Till All Are One!
** Who: The Autobots
** Source: ''[[The Transformers: The Movie]]'' (1986)

* Up high!
** Who: Cloud Guy
* (in-credits:) But wait, wait, wait.
** Who: Creek
** Source: ''[[Trolls (film)|Trolls]]'' (2016)
** Note: After Poppy and the other Trolls make peace with the Bergens, Creek, along with Chef is knocked out of the Bergen castle. Chef then betrays Creek by trying to eat him, but before this can happen, both are eaten alive by a hill monster.

* Glitter!
** Who: Queen Barb
* (in-credits:) But who gonna eat my cheese balls, babe?
** Who: King Gristle, Jr.
** Source: ''[[Trolls World Tour]]'' (2020)

* And it looks like the winner is...
** Who: Sports Announcer
** Source: ''[[Turbo (film)|Turbo]]'' (2013)

* We've all got an inner beast. We've all got a messy, loud, weird part of ourselves hidden away. And a lot of us never let it out. But I did. How about you?
** Who: Mei Lee
** Source: ''[[Turning Red]]'' (2022)

* She's gonna be so excited.
** Who: Father of Moxy's owner
** Source: ''[[Uglydolls]]'' (2019)

* Another blue one.
** Who: Russell
** Source: ''[[Up (2009 film)|Up]]'' (2009)

* Cheeeeeeeeeese!
** Who: Hutch the Rabbit
** Source: ''[[Wallace &amp; Gromit in The Curse of the Were-Rabbit|Wallace &amp; Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit]]'' (2005)

* This is called farming! You kids are gonna grow all kinds of plants! Vegetable plants, pizza plants! Oh, it's good to be home!
** Who: Captain B. McCrea
** Source: ''[[WALL-E]]'' (2008)

* Gotcha!
** Who: Alex
** Source: ''[[Walking with Dinosaurs (film)|Walking with Dinosaurs]]'' (2013)

* All the world will be your enemy, Prince of a Thousand enemies. And when they catch you, they will kill you. But first they must catch you; digger, listener, runner, Prince with the swift warning. Be cunning, and full of tricks, and your people will never be destroyed.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Watership Down (film)|Watership Down]]'' (1978)

* Alright, guys, let's eat! I'm gonna do syrup and honey.
** Who: Grizzly Bear
** Source: ''[[We Bare Bears: The Movie]]'' (2020)

* Nick!
** Who: Flash
* (in-credits:) Come on! Shake your tails with me, come on! Yeah!
** Who: Gazelle
** Source: ''[[Zootopia]]'' (2016)

=== ''101 Dalmatians'' film series ===

* I'm hungry, mother.
** Who: Roley
** Source: ''[[One Hundred and One Dalmatians]]''

* Say &quot;spots!&quot;
** Who: Photographer
** Source: ''[[101 Dalmatians II: Patch's London Adventure]]''

=== ''Alvin and the Chipmunks'' animated movies'' ===
* ALVINNNN!
** Who: Dave Seville
** Source: ''[[The Chipmunk Adventure]]'' (1987)

* How does that song go again?
** Who: Dr. Frankenstein
** Source: ''Alvin and the Chipmunks Meet Frankenstein'' (1999)

* Us? Wild?
** Who: Alvin
** Source: ''Alvin and the Chipmunks Meet the Wolfman'' (2000)

=== ''[[The Angry Birds Movie]]'' film series ===

* Guys! No!
** Who: Red
* (mid-credits:) Whoa!
** Who: Jay, Jake, and Jim
** Source: ''[[The Angry Birds Movie]]'' (2016)

* Jinx! Jinx! Jinx!
** Who: Chuck and Silver
* (in-credits:) Bye-bye.
** Who: Zoe's sister
** Source: ''[[The Angry Birds Movie 2]]'' (2019)

=== ''[[Aladdin]]'' film series ===

* Made ya look.
** Who: Genie
* (post-credits, special edition only:) You have been a fabulous audience! Tell you what, you're the best audience in the whole world. Take care of yourselves! Good night, Alice! Good night, Agrabah! Adios, amigos!
** Who: Genie
** Source: ''[[Aladdin (1992 Disney film)|Aladdin]]'' (1992)

* Does this mean I don't get my third wish?
** Who: Abis Mal
** Source: ''[[The Return of Jafar]]'' (1994)

* Wait a minute. We're not gettin' outta here, man! We're not gettin' outta here! Don't ya understand it, man? This is it, game's over, man!
** Who: Genie
** Source: ''[[Aladdin and the King of Thieves]]'' (1996)

=== ''Bambi'' film series ===

* Well, I don't believe I've ever seen a more likely looking pair of fawns. Prince Bambi ought to be mighty proud.
** Who: Friend Owl
** Source: ''[[Bambi]]'' (1942)

* Actually, I was a lot like you.
** Who: The Great Prince of the Forest
** Source: ''[[Bambi II]]'' (2006)

=== ''Barbie'' film series ===

* I always knew you could.
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie in the Nutcracker'' (2001)

* When you do that, you'll never go wrong.
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie as Rapunzel'' (2002)

* Wouldn't miss it.
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie of Swan Lake'' (2003)

* And, of course, Wolfie and Serafina lived happily ever after. Along with their many, many, many kittens.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''Barbie as The Princess and the Pauper'' (2004)

* I can't believe it! I'm flying!
** Who: Elina
** Source: ''Barbie: Fairytopia'' (2005)

* I'm trying!
** Who: Blush
** Source: ''Barbie and the Magic of Pegasus'' (2005)

* Secret seaweed, huh? Oh, that is clever of you to remember that!
** Who: Dandilion
** Source: ''Barbie Fairytopia: Mermaidia'' (2006)

* Yes, Papa. I'm finally on time for something.
** Who: Genevieve
** Source: ''Barbie in the 12 Dancing Princesses'' (2006)

* Goodbye, Elina! I know you look forward to seeing me again!
** Who: Fabien
** Source: ''Barbie Fairytopia: Magic of the Rainbow'' (2007)

* (gasps) A princess!
** Who: Tika
** Source: ''Barbie as the Island Princess'' (2007)

* Bye-bye! Whee!
** Who: A Flutterpixie
** Source: ''Barbie: Mariposa'' (2008)

* Now, where were we?
* ''[singing]'' Oh-whoa-oh. Two voices, one song...
** Who: Barbie and Teresa
** Source: ''Barbie and the Diamond Castle'' (2008)

* I think that would be amazing, Kelly.
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie in A Christmas Carol'' (2008)

* Right now, I've got somewhere else to be!
** Who: Corrinne
** Source: ''Barbie and the Three Musketeers'' (2008)
 
* Oopsie! Guess old habits die hard...girlfriend!
** Who: Raquelle
** Source: ''Barbie: A Fairy Secret'' (2011)

* Come on. I wanna introduce you to everyone!
** Who: Blair Willows/Princess Sophia
** Source: ''Barbie: Princess Charm School'' (2011)

* Merry Christmas!
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie: A Perfect Christmas'' (2011)

* Meribella! Put your hands up for me! Come on!
** Who: Keira
** Source: ''Barbie: The Princess &amp; The Popstar'' (2012)

* Come on, let's go!
** Who: Kristyn Farraday
** Source: ''Barbie In The Pink Shoes'' (2013)

* OK! Now, who's got the boarding passes?
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie and her Sisters: In a Pony Tale'' (2013)

* What on earth?
** Who: Bookhurst
** Source: ''Barbie and the Secret Door'' (2014)

* One, two, three, four!
** Who: Erika Juno
** Source: ''Barbie in Rock 'n Royals'' (2015)

* And thanks to Barbie, who was the one after all, everyone lived happily ever after.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''Barbie: Star Light Adventure'' (2016)

* How about you show me those moves?
** Who: Lindsey
** Source: ''Barbie &amp; Her Sisters in A Puppy Chase'' (2016)

* Look!
** Who: Chelsea
** Source: ''Barbie Dolphin Magic'' (2017)

* She's right. Barbie, I can't hold back any longer. I think I... wanna dance with you.
** Who: Ken
** Source: ''Barbie Princess Adventure'' (2020)

* New York! Emmie here, coming at you live from Times Square to announce the winner of the Spotlight Solo! Put your hands together for my friends, Barbie Roberts and Barbie Roberts! Otherwise known as Malibu and Brooklyn, the winners of the Spotlight Solo!
** Who: Emmie
** Source: ''Barbie: Big City, Big Dreams'' (2021)

=== ''[[w:Beauty and the Beast (franchise)|Beauty and the Beast]]'' film series ===

* Do I still have to sleep in the cupboard?
** Who: Chip Potts
** Source: ''[[Beauty and the Beast (1991 film)|Beauty and the Beast]]'' (1991)

* I'd be delighted.
** Who: Fife
** Source: ''[[w:Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas|Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas]]'' (1997)

* And it begins, uh, Lumiere, with trust. Where, with mutual respect, as I have always said all relationships must be firmly based on that. One must build on a firm foundation of trust and respect in order to flourish and flow; nourish and grow. Always attentive to the needs of the other and honesty, utter honesty is the key on which...
** Who: Cogsworth
** Source: ''[[w:Belle's Magical World|Belle's Magical World]]'' (1998)

=== ''Bratz'' film series ===

* It was original, captivating, stylized, and told me so much about each one of you. You're all getting A+'s!
** Who: Mr. Del Rio
** Source: ''Bratz: Starrin' &amp; Stylin'' (2004)

* We’re the girls..
* With the passion for fashion!
* And...
* We...
* ROCK!
** Who: Jade, Cloe, Yasmin and Sasha
** Source: ''Bratz Rock Angelz'' (2005)

* Please, call me Henry, all right?
** Who: Gordon Murph
** Source: ''Bratz Babyz: The Movie'' (2006)

* So, after all that work and practice, we discovered that we were really good at a lot of different things. But, what we're best at is being best friends. By helping Anna win the contest, we all ended up winners and we felt like stars!
** Who: Sasha
** Source: ''Bratz Girlz Really Rock'' (2008)

=== ''Care Bears'' film series ===

* Care for me, Mrs. Cherrywood. Just care for me.
** Who: Mr. Cherrywood
** Source: ''[[The Care Bears Movie]]'' (1985)

* Yes, sir! Everything was back to the way it was. But, as always, it was just a little bit different, a little bit better, and a little bit more special—thanks to the Care Bears, the Care Bear Cousins, and thanks to... ''(laughs)'' Well, you all know who you are. I thank my lucky Stars that there are people out there like you who really do care. You're not afraid to share your feelings—and that, my friends, makes you all world-class Care Bear Champs!
** Who: The Great Wishing Star
** Source: ''[[Care Bears Movie II: A New Generation]]'' (1986)

* Goodbye!
** Who: The Care Bears
** Source: ''Care Bears: Journey to Joke-a-lot'' (2004)

* Twinkers, did you hear? Too Loud Bear finally got your name right!
** Who: Wish Bear
** Source: ''The Care Bears' Big Wish Movie'' (2005)

* You bet!
** Who: Cheer Bear
** Source: ''Care Bears: Oopsy Does It!'' (2007)

* Oopsy.
** Who: Oopsy Bear
** Source: ''Care Bears: To the Rescue'' (2010)

*Let's get this Giving Festival started!
** Who: Princess Starglo
** Source: ''Care Bears: The Giving Festival'' (2010)

*Later, gators, I've got stars to make!
** Who: Princess Starglo
** Source: ''Care Bears: Share Bear Shines'' (2011)

=== ''[[w:Cars (franchise)|Cars]]'' film series ===

* Yeah! Ka-chow!
** Who: Lightning McQueen
* (in-credits) Wait a minute here. They're just using the [[w:John Ratzenberger|same actor]] over and over. [[w:Pixar|What kind of a cut-rate production is this?!]]
** Who: Mack
* (post-credits:) NO! There's an on-ramp close! I KNOW IT! I CAN FEEL IT! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!!!
** Who: [[w:List_of_Cars_characters#Van and Minny|Van]]
** Source: ''[[Cars (film)|Cars]]'' (2006)

* Not if I see you first!
** Who: [[w:Mater (Cars)|Tow Mater]]
** Source: ''[[Cars 2]]'' (2011)

* Go!
** Who: Luigi
* (post-credits:) Hey, McQueen! You still there? McQueen! Ugh. Technology.
** Who: [[w:Mater (Cars)|Tow Mater]]
** Source: ''[[Cars 3]]'' (2017)

* Ha-ha, you're on!
** Who: Skipper
** Source: ''[[Planes (film)]]'' (2013)

* Ladies and gentleplanes! Turn your attention to the skies for today's featured aerial presentation! The Propwash Junction Corn Fest is proud to present the Piston Peak Air Attack team, and our very own world champion racer and firefighter, Dusty Crophopper!
** Who: Chug
* (in-credits:) Welcome to Death Valley National Park. Is it hot? ''(laughs weezily)'' Yes, it is.
** Who: Cad Spinner
* (post-credits:) Yay!
** Who: Drip
** Source: ''[[Planes: Fire &amp; Rescue]]'' (2014)

=== ''[[w:Cinderella (franchise)|Cinderella]]'' film series ===

* But, you see, I have the other slipper.
** Who: [[w:Cinderella (Disney character)|Cinderella]]
** Source: ''[[Cinderella (1950 film)|Cinderella]]'' (1950)

* Once upon a time, there was a big castle... and in this castle lived a prince and a princess...
** Who: Cinderella
** Source: ''[[Cinderella II: Dreams Come True]]'' (2002)

* And they lived happily ever after... again.
** Who: Cinderella
** Source: ''[[Cinderella III: A Twist in Time]]'' (2007)

=== ''[[w:The Croods (franchise)|The Croods]]'' film series ===

* Duh-duh-duh!
** Who: Belt and Sandy Crood
** Source: ''[[The Croods]]'' (2013)

* Dad was right after all, we were stronger together.
** Who: Eep Crood
** Source: ''[[The Croods: A New Age]]'' (2020)

=== ''[[w:DC Universe Animated Original Movies|DC Universe Animated Original Movies]]'' ===

* In other news, Gotham's mysterious defender...the Batman, was seen last night helping police apprehend the leaders...of an underworld, gun-running operation...
** Who: Summer Gleason
** Source: ''[[Batman and Mr. Freeze: Subzero]]'' (1998)
* Hi, old man.
** Who: Tim Drake
** Source: ''[[Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker]]'' (2000)
* Well, maybe an explosion now and then.
** Who: Kathy Duquesne
** Source: ''[[Batman: Mystery of the Batwoman]]'' (2003)
* If history has determined that gods can die... ...it has also proven that they may return from the dead. It would seem you can't be destroyed after all, Superman. It would seem.
** Who: Lex Luthor
** Source: ''[[Superman: Doomsday]]'' (2007)
* The pioneers gave up their safety, their comfort, and sometimes their lives to build our new west. They were determined to make the new world strong and free - an example to the world. Some would say that those struggles are all over. That all the horizons have been explored. That all the battles have been won. That there is no longer an American frontier. And we stand today on the edge of a new frontier. The frontier of unknown opportunities and perils. Beyond that frontier are uncharted areas of science. Unsolved problems of peace and war. Unconquered pockets of ignorance and prejudice. I'm asking each of you to be pioneers towards that New Frontier. My call is to the young in heart, regardless of age. Can we carry through in an age where we will witness not only new breakthroughs in weapons of destruction, but also a race for mastery of the sky and the rain, the ocean and the tides, the far side of space, and the inside of men's minds? All mankind waits upon out decision. A whole world waits to see what we shall do. And we cannot fail that trust, and we cannot fail to try.
** Who: John F. Kennedy
** Source: ''[[Justice League: The New Frontier]]'' (2008)

* Sir?
** Who: Alfred Pennyworth
** Source: ''[[Batman: Gotham Knight]]'' (2008)

* Look! It's Wonder Woman!
** Who: Little girl
** Source: ''[[Wonder Woman (2009 film)|Wonder Woman]]'' (2009)

* I've gotta go punch a clock with my other boss. I can see where this is gonna be a long commute.
** Who: Hal Jordan
** Source: ''[[Green Lantern: First Flight]]'' (2009)

* &quot;Late&quot;? Come on, it's... ...early.
** Who: Superman
** Source: ''[[Superman/Batman: Public Enemies]]'' (2009)

* I'm glad you agree. I've been thinking about a membership drive.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths]]'' (2010)

* It feels awesome! Check me out! I'm Robin, the Boy wonder! Are you kidding me? This rocks. Come on, old man, we've got bad guys who need chasing. This is the best day of my life.
** Who: Young Jason Todd/Robin
** Source: ''[[Batman: Under the Red Hood]]'' (2010)

* Hey.
** Who: Superman
** Source: ''[[Superman/Batman: Apocalypse]]'' (2010)

* He's not dead. He's up there fixing the sun. And when he's done, he'll be back.
** Who: Lois Lane
** Source: ''[[All-Star Superman (film)|All-Star Superman]]'' (2011)

* We got a new home to build. Come on. I'll tell you about the time I took on an army of Manhunters and my only backup was this squirrel.
** Who: Hal Jordan
** Source: ''[[Green Lantern: Emerald Knights]]'' (2011)

* Barbara's not crazy about the marriage counselor, but we're making progress. As for me, well, there's a real panic on. Somebody has threatened to poison the Gotham reservoir. He calls himself the Joker. I've got a friend coming who might be able to help. He should be here any minute.
** Who: Lieutenant James Gordon
** Source: ''[[Batman: Year One (film)|Batman: Year One]]'' (2011)

* I do have a plan! It's called the Justice League.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[Justice League: Doom]]'' (2012)

* Can we go so I can kiss you now?
** Who: Lois Lane
** Source: ''[[Superman vs. The Elite]]'' (2012)

* Ba-Batman... Darling!
** Who: Joker
** Source: [[Batman: The Dark Knight Returns (film)|''Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, Part One'']] (2012)

* I spent 10 years looking for a good death. This... This'll be a good life. Good enough.
** Who: Bruce Wayne
** Source: [[Batman: The Dark Knight Returns (film)|''Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, Part Two'']] (2013)

* Marry me.
** Who: Clark Kent
** Source: ''[[Superman: Unbound]]'' (2013)

* You're one helluva messenger. Thank you.
** Who: Bruce Wayne
** Source: ''[[Justice League: The Flashpoint Paradox]]'' (2013)

* The surface dwellers have killed our king. This is an act of war and they will pay.
** Who: Prince Orm
** Source: ''[[Justice League: War]]'' (2014)

* No.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[Son of Batman]]'' (2014)

* Bang.
** Who: Deadshot
** Source: ''[[Batman: Assault on Arkham]]'' (2014)

* I am Lex Luthor. I have a proposition for you.
** Who: Lex Luthor
** Source: ''[[Justice League: Throne of Atlantis]]'' (2015)

* Sometimes, Alfred... ...you have to have a little faith.
** Who: Bruce Wayne
** Source: ''[[Batman vs. Robin]]'' (2015)

* Time to look ahead, Kirk. You know what they say. The past is like another planet.
** Who: Superman
** Source: ''[[Justice League: Gods and Monsters]]'' (2015)

* Master Bruce is having a heart-to-heart with Damian. One can't help feeling bad. Despite her madness, she was his mother.
** Who: Alfred Pennyworth
** Source: ''[[Batman: Bad Blood]]'' (2016)

* Raven, release me. You're too weak to keep me in here, you filthy witch! I'll get out! I'll kill everyone you love. RAVEN!!!
** Who: Trigon
** Source: ''[[Justice League vs. Teen Titans]]'' (2016)

* Yeah, Dad, I just got back from the lacrosse game. Going to practice some Wallball this weekend. Getting pretty good. Maybe another night, Dad, I got plans tonight. I can't help it if your daughter's so popular. I'll talk to you, later. Right then, back to work.
** Who: Barbara Gordon / Oracle
** Source: ''[[Batman: The Killing Joke (film)|Batman: The Killing Joke]]'' (2016)

* Now, that's what I call making yourself useful, love.
** Who: John Constantine
** Source: ''[[Justice League Dark (film)|Justice League Dark]]'' (2017)

* I talk to the dead. For no matter how rotted the corpse, there's always a tiny wisp of life left.
** Who: Brother Blood
** Source: ''[[Teen Titans: The Judas Contract]]'' (2017)

* Aw... Ain't that a shame? Wendel is headed back to his crummy house and all those cats without getting the help he so desperately needs. Oh, well, that's it for today's show. Till next time, folks. Be good to yourselves. 'Cause everyone else in the world is probably out to get you. Bye-bye!
** Who: Dr. Harleen Quinzel
** Source: ''[[Batman and Harley Quinn]]'' (2017)

* It was all phony anyway. We'll make something new. Something better.
** Who: Dickie
** Source: ''[[Batman: Gotham by Gaslight]]'' (2018)

* I'll be seeing you, Waller. Maybe in heaven.
** Who: Deadshot
** Source: ''[[Suicide Squad: Hell to Pay]]'' (2018)

* Superman?
** Who: Jimmy Olsen
** Source: ''[[The Death of Superman (film)|The Death of Superman]]'' (2018)

* Okay, who left the front door open?
** Who: Green Lantern
** Source: ''[[Reign of the Supermen (film)|Reign of the Supermen]]'' (2019)

* Jessica Cruz. It's an honor.
** Who: Brainiac 5
** Source: ''[[w:Justice League vs. the Fatal Five|Justice League vs. the Fatal Five]]'' (2019)

* Someday.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[w:Batman: Hush (film)|Batman: Hush]]'' (2019)

* You think I'm intimidated? I've won. I'm coming for you, Wonder Woman. Do you hear me, Wonder Woman? I am coming for you!
** Who: Veronica Cale
** Source: ''[[w:Wonder Woman: Bloodlines|Wonder Woman: Bloodlines]]'' (2019)

* I kind of like that last option.
** Who: Lois Lane
** Source: ''[[w:Superman: Red Son (film)|Superman: Red Son]]'' (2020)

* And some of those changes may be shite. And we may make the same mistakes again. It won't be perfect... but it'll be a long sight better than what we got now.
** Who: John Constantine
** Source: ''[[w:Justice League Dark: Apokolips War|Justice League Dark: Apokolips War]]'' (2020)

=== ''[[w:Despicable Me (franchise)|Despicable Me]]'' film series ===

* No, I'm fine. Go ahead. No, no, no!
** Who: Gru
* (post-credits:) I am Gru. Back to work! Back to work! Back to...
** Who: Kevin
** Source: ''[[Despicable Me]]'' (2010)

* I'M SO HAPPY!!!
** Who: Agnes Gru
** Source: ''[[Despicable Me 2]]'' (2013)

* Come on, He's my brother. We'll give him a 5 minute head start.
** Who: Felonious Gru
** Source: ''[[Despicable Me 3]]'' (2017)

* FREEZE RAY!!!
** Who: Felonious Gru
** Source: ''[[Minions (film)|Minions]]'' (2015)

=== ''[[w:Fantasia (franchise)|Fantasia]]'' film series ===

* The last number in our ''Fantasia'' program is a combination of two pieces of music so utterly different in construction and mood that they set each other off perfectly. The first is ''A Night On Bald Mountain'', by one of Russia's greatest composers, Modest Mussorgsky. The second is Franz Schubert's world-famous ''Ave Maria''. Musically and dramatically, we have here a picture of the struggle between the profane and the sacred. Bald Mountain, according to tradition, is the gathering place of Satan and his followers. Here on ''Walpurgisnacht'', which is the equivalent of our own Halloween, the creatures of evil gather to worship their master. Under his spell, they dance furiously until the coming of dawn and the sounds of church bells send the infernal army slinking back into their abodes of darkness. And then we hear the Ave Maria, with its message of the triumph of hope and life over the powers of despair and death.
** Who: [[w:Deems Taylor|Deems Taylor]]
** Source: ''[[Fantasia (1940 film)|Fantasia]]'' (1940)

* Camera back on me. Uh, camera back on me, please. Anyone? Hello? Hello? Could someone give me a ride home?
** Who: [[Steve Martin]]
** Source: ''[[Fantasia 2000]]'' (2000)

=== ''[[w:Finding Nemo (franchise)|Finding Nemo]]'' film series ===

* Bye, son.
** Who: Marlin
* (pre-credits:) Now what?
** Who: Bloat
** Source: ''[[Finding Nemo]]'' (2003)

* Yep. Unforgettable.
** Who: Dory
* (post-credits:) Now what?
** Who: Bloat
** Source: ''[[Finding Dory]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:Frozen (franchise)|Frozen]]'' film series ===

* That's it. Glide and pivot. Glide and pivot.
** Who: Olaf
** Source: ''[[Frozen (2013 film)|Frozen]]'' (2013)

* Ready?
** Who: Elsa
* (post-credits:) Oh. We live! WE LIVE!!! Good story.
** Who: Marshmallow 
** Source: ''[[Frozen II]]'' (2019)

=== ''[[w:Happy Feet (franchise)|Happy Feet]]'' film series ===

* Gracias.
** Who: Ramón
** Source: ''[[Happy Feet]]'' (2006)

* Ja, The Svened.
** Who: The Mighty Sven
** Source: ''[[Happy Feet Two]]'' (2011)

=== ''[[w:Hotel Transylvania (franchise)|Hotel Transylvania]]'' film series ===

* Alright, maybe just a little.
** Who: Dracula
* (in-credits) I didn't do that.
** Who: Elderly Gremlin
** Source: ''[[Hotel Transylvania|Hotel Transylvania]]'' (2012)

* I didn't do that.
** Who: Elderly Gremlin
** Source: ''[[Hotel Transylvania 2]]'' (2015)

* Yes!
** Who: Ericka van Helsing
** Source: ''[[Hotel Transylvania 3: Summer Vacation]]'' (2018)

=== ''[[w:Hoodwinked!|Hoodwinked!]]'' film series ===

* I always did like happy endings.
** Who: Red Puckett
** Source: ''[[Hoodwinked!]]'' (2005)

* Hey, girls. Let's call it a night.
** Who: Twitchy
** Source: ''[[Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil]]'' (2011)

=== ''[[w:How to Train Your Dragon|How to Train Your Dragon]]'' film series ===

* This is Berk. It snows nine months of the year and hails the other three. Any food that grows here is tough and tasteless. The people that grow here are even more so. The only upsides are the pets. While other places have ponies or parrots... we have... dragons!
** Who: Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III
** Source: ''[[How to Train Your Dragon (film)|How to Train Your Dragon]]'' (2010)

* This... is Berk. A bit trampled and busted and covered in ice, but it's home. It's our home. Those who attacked us are relentless and crazy. But those who stopped them? Oh, even more so! We may be small in numbers, but we stand for something bigger than anything the world can pit against us. We are the voice of peace. And bit by bit, we will change this world. You see, we have something they don't. Oh sure, they have armies and they have armadas... But we... we have... OUR DRAGONS!
** Who: Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III
** Source: ''[[How to Train Your Dragon 2]]'' (2014)

* Legend says that when the ground quakes or lava spews from the earth, it's the dragons letting us know they're still here. Waiting for us to figure out how to get along. Yes, the world believes the dragons are gone, if they ever existed at all. But we Berkians, we know otherwise. And we'll guard this secret until the time comes when dragons can return in peace.
** Who: Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III
** Source: ''[[How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World]]'' (2019)

=== ''[[w:Ice Age (franchise)|Ice Age]]'' film series ===

* No, really...
** Who: [[w:List_of_Ice_Age_characters#Sid|Sid]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age (2002 film)|Ice Age]]'' (2002)

* Calm down! I saved you, little buddy! Remember!?
** Who: [[w:List_of_Ice_Age_characters#Sid|Sid]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: The Meltdown]]'' (2006)

* That's right, sweetheart. Welcome to the Ice Age.
** Who: [[w:List_of_Ice_Age_characters#Ellie|Ellie]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs]]'' (2009)

* No! Stop! Brother, rise above this base desire. Be more than a rodent.
** Who: Ariscratle
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: Continental Drift]]'' (2012)

* Mars: the red planet. Cold... dry... inhospitable to life. But billions and billions of years ago, Mars looked like this. There were lakes, rivers, oceans... the perfect conditions for life to form. So, what happened? Why was life unable to take hold? Where did the water go? We may never know.
** Who: [[w:List_of_Ice_Age_characters#Neil deBuck Weasel|Neil deBuck Weasel]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: Collision Course]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:The Incredibles (franchise)|The Incredibles]]'' film series ===

* Behold, the Underminer! I am always beneath you, but nothing is beneath me! I hereby declare war on peace and happiness! Soon, all will tremble before me!
** Who: The Underminer
** Source: ''[[The Incredibles]]'' (2004)

* Stop! Let us out! Here, large popcorn, small soda. Save me a seat. Center, about eight rows back. I'll be back before the previews are over!
** Who: [[w:Violet Parr|Violet Parr]]
** Source: ''[[Incredibles 2]]'' (2018)

=== ''[[Kim Possible]]'' film series ===

* No idea why I said that!
** Who: Ron Stoppable
** Source: ''[[Kim Possible: A Sitch in Time]]'' (2003)

* It finally happened! She's dating that loser! Kim Possible and Ron Stoppable are dating!? ''(Laughs loudly)''
** Who: Bonnie Rockwaller
** Source: ''[[Kim Possible Movie: So the Drama]]'' (2005)

=== ''[[w:Kung Fu Panda (franchise)|Kung Fu Panda]]'' film series ===

* Yeah.
** Who: [[w:List_of_Kung_Fu_Panda_characters#Master Shifu|Master Shifu]]
** Source: ''[[Kung Fu Panda]]'' (2008)

* My son is alive...
** Who: [[w:List_of_Kung_Fu_Panda_characters#Li Shan|Li Shan]]
** Source: ''[[Kung Fu Panda 2]]'' (2011)

* Panda Asthma.
** Who: [[w:List_of_Kung_Fu_Panda_characters#Li Shan|Li Shan]]
** Source: ''[[Kung Fu Panda 3]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:Lady and the Tramp|Lady and the Tramp]]'' film series ===

* Huh? I haven't? Well, uh, as Old Reliable used to say... He'd say, uh, uh... He'd say, uh, uh... Doggone. You know, I clean forgot what it was he used to say!
** Who: Trusty
** Source: ''[[Lady and the Tramp]]'' (1955)

* Angel!
** Who: Junior
** Source: ''[[Lady and the Tramp II: Scamp's Adventure]]'' (2001)

=== ''[[w:The Land Before Time (franchise)|The Land Before Time]]'' film series ===

* And they all grew up together in the valley, generation upon generation, each passing on to the next. The tale of their ancestors' journey to the valley, long ago.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time]]'' (1988)

* But I still can't wait to grow up.
** Who: Littlefoot
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time II: The Great Valley Adventure]]'' (1994)

* And so, as it turned out, the dinosaurs traveled from green spot to green spot, eating their fill, each helping the others to find what they needed, each learning the special kind of joy, which comes from giving to others. And in the years to come, this story of sharing was told over and over again, until it became known as: &quot;The Time of the Great Giving.&quot;
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time III: The Time of the Great Giving]]'' (1995)

* And so, it came to pass that the migrating dinosaurs left the Great Valley for lands unknown. And yes, Littlefoot and his friends, Cera, Ducky, Petrie and Spike, would indeed meet Ali again one day. But that's another story.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time IV: Journey Through the Mists]]'' (1996)

* It's great to be home.
** Who: Cera
** ''[[The Land Before Time V: The Mysterious Island]]'' (1997)

* And so, another myth was born. It would change with each retelling. And even now, who knows how this one will end.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time VI: The Secret of Saurus Rock]]'' (1998)

* Oh, no! Oh, no! But we are plenty smart, right, Spike?
* Uh-huh.
** Who 1: Ducky
** Who 2: Spike
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time VII: The Stone of Cold Fire]]'' (1999)

* The families would be happy here until the Great Circle began to warm the land once more, melting the white ground sparkles and allowing new life to spring up, turning the earth green again. Then they could return to the Great Valley, where they could all get a good night's sleep, even Ducky.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time VIII: The Big Freeze]]'' (2001)

* This adventure was at an end. Still, Littlefoot, Cera, Ducky, Petrie and Spike knew in their hearts that there would be many more adventures yet to come.
** Who: Narrator
** Source:''[[The Land Before Time IX: Journey to Big Water]]'' (2002)

* I just have one question. Do we HAVE to go back through the swamp?
** Who: Ducky
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time X: The Great Longneck Migration]]'' (2003)

* And every nibbling day, the dinosaurs of the Great Valley gathered to celebrate these small things of life which mattered so much.
* Got you!
** Who 1: Narrator
** Who 2: Petrie
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time XI: Invasion of the Tinysauruses]]'' (2005)

* Many changes had occurred on this day of changes. And many more would follow. The dinosaur families understood this. They knew that change was a part of life in the Great Valley.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time XII: The Great Day of the Flyers]]'' (2006)

* In their journey to Berry Valley, the young dinosaurs had discovered that wisdom came in many different forms. And they knew that more lessons lay before them as they grew in the land before time.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time XIII: The Wisdom of Friends]]'' (2007)

* Littlefoot had found his father. And he found something else, too... Something he wasn't looking for. The realization that he and his friends would always be together... till the end of their days... in the Land Before Time.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time XIV: Journey of the Brave]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:The Lego Movie (franchise)|The Lego Movie]]'' film series ===

* Oh, man.
** Who: Emmet Brickowski
** Source: ''[[The Lego Movie]]'' (2014)

* Wow, that was fun! Really hope nobody was recording that. Let me see. Oh, this thing is on. This thing is recording.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[The Lego Batman Movie]]'' (2017)

* B mark.
** Who: Director
** Source: ''[[The Lego Ninjago Movie]]'' (2017)

* An original album of ''Everything is Awesome''?! Wait a minute. Is that...? 
** Who: Emmet Brickowski
** Source: ''[[The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part]]'' (2019)

=== ''[[w:Lilo &amp; Stitch (franchise) (franchise)|Lilo &amp; Stitch]]'' film series ===

* Wait.
** Who: Stitch
** Source: ''[[Lilo &amp; Stitch]]'' (2002)

* And with 626, they make one hotshot evil genius experiment-catching team!
** Who: Jumba Jookiba
* (post-credits:) I'll get the wig.
** Who: Wendy Pleakley
** Source: ''[[Stitch! The Movie]]'' (2003)

* Mom would be so proud of you.
** Who: Nani Pelekai
** Source: ''[[Lilo &amp; Stitch 2: Stitch Has a Glitch]]'' (2005)

* Aloha!
** Who: The Pelekai ''ʻohana'': Lilo Pelekai, Stitch, Nani Pelekai, David Kawena, Jumba Jookiba, Wendy Pleakley, Mertle Edmonds, and many of Jumba's genetic experiments (Stitch's &quot;cousins&quot;)
** Source: ''[[Leroy &amp; Stitch]]'' (2006)

=== ''[[w:The Lion King (franchise)|The Lion King]]'' film series ===

* Remember...
** Who: Mufasa's Ghost
** Source: ''[[The Lion King]]'' (1994)

* Well done, my son. We are one.
** Who: Mufasa's Ghost
** Source: ''[[The Lion King II: Simba's Pride]]'' (1998)

* Uh, Timon? I still don't do so well in crowds.
** Who: Pumbaa
** Source: ''[[The Lion King 1½]]'' (2004)

=== ''[[w:The Little Mermaid (franchise)|The Little Mermaid]]'' film series ===

* I love you, daddy.
** Who: Ariel
** Source: ''[[The Little Mermaid (1989 film)|The Little Mermaid]]'' (1989)

* Hi.
** Who: Melody
** Source: ''[[The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea]]'' (2000)

* That's my girl. Samba? Ooh-wa, ooh-wa! 
** Who: Benjamin
** Source: ''[[The Little Mermaid: Ariel's Beginning]]'' (2008)

=== ''[[w:Madagascar (franchise)|Madagascar]]'' film series ===

* Nah. Just smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave.
** Who: Skipper
** Source: ''[[Madagascar (2005 film)|Madagascar]]'' (2005)

* Shake 'em. Shake 'em. Shake 'em. Shake 'em...
** Who: King Julian XII
** Source: ''[[Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa]]'' (2008)

* Hey, Skipper, what did you end up doing with the crazy lady, anyway?
** Who: Alex
** Source: ''[[Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted]]'' (2012)

* You know, if I'm being honest, I expected a little more... pizzazz! Yes! Now, that's pizzazz!
** Who: King Julian XII
** Source: ''[[Penguins of Madagascar]]'' (2014)

=== ''[[w:Monsters, Inc. (franchise)|Monsters, Inc.]]'' film series ===

* Kitty!
** Who: Boo
** Source: ''[[Monsters, Inc.]]'' (2001)

* You better believe it.
** Who: Mike Wazowski
* (post-credits:) Great.
** Who: Student Slug Monster
** Source: ''[[Monsters University]]'' (2013)

=== ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls'' film series ===

* Just a hunch.
** Who: Pinkie Pie
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Equestria Girls]]'' (2013)

* One! Two! Three! Four!
** Who: Human Pinkie Pie
* (post-credits:) No doubt about it, Spike, there's definitely something strange going on at that school.
** Who: Human Twilight Sparkle (Sci-Twi)
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Rainbow Rocks]]'' (2014)

* Make that the ''second'' strangest.
** Who: Princess Twilight Sparkle
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Friendship Games]]'' (2015)

* Where did the magic that hit this cave come from?
** Who: Sunset Shimmer
* (post-credits:) Let's celebrate!
** Who: Human Pinkie Pie
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Legend of Everfree]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:The Nut Job|The Nut Job]]'' film series ===

* Any more big ideas? Please stay.
** Who: Norvirus Raccoon
** Source: ''[[The Nut Job]]'' (2014)
** Note: A mid-credits scene reveals that Raccoon and Cardinal survived and were drifted out to sea, but sharks now surround them, leaving their fate ambiguous.

* Ride, Precious! Ride! Hiyah!
** Who: Surly
** Source: ''[[The Nut Job 2: Nutty by Nature]]'' (2017)

=== ''[[w:Open Season (franchise)|Open Season]]'' film series ===

* Wait, wait. No. No. No!
** Who: Shaw
** Source: ''[[Open Season]]'' (2006)

* Come on!
** Who: Elliot
** Source: ''[[Open Season 2]]'' (2009)

* Boop!
** Who: Allistar
** Source: ''[[Open Season 3]]'' (2011)

* No.
** Who: Boog
** Source: ''[[Open Season: Scared Silly]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:The Rescuers|The Rescuers]]'' film series ===

* I sure wish we'd have taken the train.
** Who: Bernard
** Source: ''[[The Rescuers]]'' (1977)

* Help! Anybody! Bernard! Bianca! Where are you? Okay, that's it, I'm out of here. This is ridiculous. You can't leave me here alone. I'm gone! I am gone. Oh. Aw, no, stay in those eggs! That's a direct order! Oh. Hey, you're kind of a cute little feller. Coochy, coochy... Yeowww! Whoa! Ohhh!
** Who: Wilbur
** Source: ''[[The Rescuers Down Under]]'' (1990)

=== ''[[w:Rio (franchise)|Rio]]'' film series ===

* That's my big brave boy.
** Who: Linda Gunderson
* (in-credits:) I love you, Rio!
** Who: Luiz
** Source: ''[[Rio (film)|Rio]]'' (2011)

* That's the end?
** Who: Pedro
** Source: ''[[Rio 2]]'' (2014)

=== ''Rugrats'' film series ===

* Way to go, Dilly!
** Who: Tommy Pickles, Chuckie Finster, Phil and Lil Deville
** Source: ''[[The Rugrats Movie]]'' (1998)

* Well, Tommy. I guess this is the way things are gonna be from now on.
** Who: Chuckie Finster
** Source: ''[[Rugrats in Paris: The Movie]]'' (2000)

* Well, Eliza, as dog is my witness, I'll never lose my babies again!
** Who: Spike the Dog
** Source: ''[[Rugrats Go Wild]]'' (2003)

=== ''[[w:Shrek (franchise)|Shrek]]'' film series ===

* Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe.
** Who: [[w:Donkey (Shrek)|Donkey]]
** Source: ''[[Shrek]]'' (2001)

* Hey Donkey, that's Spanish!
** Who: [[w:Puss in Boots (Shrek)|Puss in Boots]]
* (mid-credits:) Look at our little mutant babies! I gotta get a job!
** Who: [[w:Donkey (Shrek)|Donkey]]
** Source: ''[[Shrek 2]]'' (2004)

* I got it.
** Who: [[w:Shrek (character)|Shrek]]
** Source: ''[[Shrek the Third]]'' (2007)

* No, it was ''you'' that rescued ''me.''
** Who: [[w:Shrek (character)|Shrek]]
** Source: ''[[Shrek Forever After]]'' (2010)

* This is the story of a cat who became a hero. An outlaw dedicated to justice and a lover of beautiful woman. A great, great lover. Really, it is crazy. I am Puss in Boots! And my name would become legend.
** Who: [[w:Puss in Boots (Shrek)|Puss in Boots]]
* (in-credits:) Oh!
** Who: Oh Cat
** Source: ''[[Puss in Boots (2011 film)|Puss in Boots]]'' (2011)

=== ''[[w:SpongeBob SquarePants (film series)|SpongeBob SquarePants]]'' film series ===

* Are you crazy? I was just gonna tell you that your fly is down. Manager! This is the greatest day of my life!!!
** Who: SpongeBob SquarePants
* (post credits:) Okay.
** Who: Captain Bart the Pirate
** Source: ''[[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie]]'' (2004)

* See you later, te-ammate!
** Who: [[w:SpongeBob SquarePants (character)|SpongeBob SquarePants]]
* That was pretty good actually.
** Who: Bubbles
* (in-credits:) You know what this needs? A little interpretive dance!
** Who: [[w:Squidward Tentacles|Squidward Tentacles]]
** Source: ''[[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water]]'' (2015)

* Order up!
** Who: [[w:SpongeBob SquarePants (character)|SpongeBob SquarePants]]
** Source: ''[[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge on the Run]]'' (2020)

=== ''[[w:Surf's Up (film)|Surf's Up]]'' film series ===

* Cody would never do this.
** Who: Edna Maverick
** Source: ''[[Surf's Up]]'' (2007)

* Okay, That's a wrap on this episode of &quot;Are they still cool? Surf Edition&quot;. Aaaand cut.
** Who: Announcer
** Source: ''[[Surf's Up 2: WaveMania]]'' (2017)

=== ''[[w:Toy Story (franchise)|Toy Story]]'' film series ===

* Oh, what is it? What is it? Wow! A puppy!
** Who: Andy Davis
** Source: ''[[Toy Story]]'' (1995)

* Besides, when it all ends, I'll have old Buzz Lightyear to keep me company - for infinity and beyond.
** Who: Woody
* Yeah!
** Who: Wheezy
* (outtakes:) A little break, okay. Phew.
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''[[Toy Story 2]]'' (1999)

* So long, partner. Oh hey, Buzz! You haven't met Bonnie's toys yet! 
** Who: Woody
* (in-credits:) Just go with it, Buzz.
** Who: Jessie
** Source: ''[[Toy Story 3]]'' (2010)

* He's not lost. Not anymore. To infinity...
* ...and beyond.
** Who 1: Buzz Lightyear
** Who 2: Woody
* (mid-credits 1:) Oh yeah. Leave it to us, Jermiah.
** Who: Ducky
* (mid-credits 2:) Yeah. We know exactly what to do.
** Who: Bunny
* (mid-credits 3:) Whoa.
** Who: Duke Caboom
* (mid-credits 4:) I don't know.
** Who: Forky
* (post-credits:) Caboom! Yes.
** Who: Duke Caboom
** Source: ''[[Toy Story 4]]'' (2019)

* To infinity...
* ...and beyond.
** Who 1: Izzy Hawthorne
** Who 2: Buzz Lightyear
* (mid-credits:) [laughs] Laser Shield.
**Who: Commander Burnside
*(post-credits:) Ask the bromite swamps, a breathtaking sight or so I am told, but if you're in a hurry, this would be your most direct route. Any questions? Hello? Oh...
**Who: E.R.I.C.
** Source: ''[[Lightyear (film)|Lightyear]]'' (2022)

=== ''[[Winnie the Pooh]]'' film series ===

* Wherever they go, and whatever happens to them on the way, in their enchanted place on top of the forest, a little bear will always be waiting.
** Who: The narrator
** Source: ''[[The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh]]'' (1977)

* Yes, Piglet. It's the least we could do... for a very small Piglet who's done such very big things. Thank you, Piglet.
** Who: Pooh
** Source: ''[[Piglet's Big Movie]]'' (2003)

* And so it is here we shall leave them. And here we shall find them again. For the boy and the bear will always be together in this remarkable place called the Hundred Acre Wood.
** Who: The narrator
** Source: ''[[Pooh's Grand Adventure: The Search for Christopher Robin]]'' (1997)

* You know, we never really did capture a Heffalump that day. It was more like... like Lumpy captured all of us.
** Who: Pooh
** Source: ''[[Pooh's Heffalump Movie]]'' (2005)

* You were right! I love Hallowoon! Hallow-woo... Hallow... Oh, whatever. As long as we're together!
** Who: Lumpy
** Source: ''[[Pooh's Heffalump Halloween Movie]]'' (2006)

* Look this way, everybody. Closer. Smile!
** Who: Christopher Robin
** Source: ''[[The Tigger Movie]]'' (2000)

* Silly old bear.
** Who: Christopher Robin
* (post-credits:) Wow! It's amazing what you can find in the woods. A marble! And a boot! And oh, my, that's a scary-lookin' fella. Gosh! Maybe these are his things. You know, I better pick 'em up so they won't get broken. That's the last thing I would want. Whoa!  Oh, my gosh! Is this a pit? I think I'm in a pit! Hello? Anybody up there? Oh, well. I sure hope that fella will be back soon.
** Who: The Backson
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh (film)|Winnie the Pooh]]'' (2011)
** Note: He comes out of the scary woods and proves to be real but instead of being a monstrous beast, he is actually very kind and the bait Pooh and the other left for him he decided to pick them up to return to them but falls into the pit as planned. He decides to wait for someone to help him out and hopes he'll be back soon.

* And so another Christmas came and went in the Hundred Acre Wood. It had been a joyous season of giving for all our friends, but especially for a little bear named Winnie the Pooh.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh: Seasons of Giving]]'' (1999)

* Not bad! But it could've used a few more jingly bells.
** Who: Tigger
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh: A Very Merry Pooh Year]]'' (2002)

* BBFN: Bye-Bye For Now!
** Who: Roo
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh: Springtime With Roo]]'' (2004)

=== ''[[Winx Club]]'' film series ===

* And thus, the fairy that was searching for her origins learned to believe in herself, and to trust the people she loved. She stayed true to herself, and to what she believed in, and won her greatest battle, saving her kingdom, freeing her people, and reuniting her family, and finally becoming a true guardian fairy. And now written in the Book of Fate, there's a new Company of Light... the Winx!
** Who: Bartelby (Dubbing Brothers)
* And so, the most strong-willed of all fairies overcame the greatest challenge. She learned to believe in herself and trust the people she loved. She stayed true to what was in her heart and in doing so she saved a kingdom, freed her people, and reunited her long-lost family. And finally, she became a true Guardian Fairy. And now written in the Book of Fate, there's a new Company of Light, called... the Winx!
** Who: Bartelby (Atlas Oceanic)
* (pre-credits:) And soon we'll loop their stupid little fairy wings right off their bodies!
** Who: Icy (Dubbing Brothers)
* (pre-credits:) And soon we reap their weak little fairy wings right of their bodies!
** Who: Icy (Atlas Oceanic)
** Source: ''[[Winx Club: The Secret of the Lost Kingdom]]'' (2007)

* Daddy...
** Who: Bloom
* (post-credits:) Ta-da!!!
** Who: Stella
** Source: ''[[Winx Club 3D: Magical Adventure]]'' (2010)

* Kiko... Thank you! I'm really dying for an ice cream!
** Who: Sky
** Source: ''[[Winx Club: The Mystery of the Abyss]]'' (2014)

=== ''[[w:Wreck-It Ralph (franchise)|Wreck-It Ralph]]'' film series ===

* But I gotta say, the best part of my day is when I get thrown off the roof. Because when the Nicelanders lift me up, I get a perfect view of Sugar Rush, and I can see Vanellope racing. The kid's a natural, the players love her, glitch and all, just like I knew they would. Turns out I don't need a medal to tell me I'm a good guy. Because if that little kid likes me... how bad can I be?
** Who: [[w:Wreck-it Ralph (character)|Wreck-it Ralph]]
** Source: ''[[Wreck-It Ralph]]'' (2012)

* Come on Felix, let's get to work, buddy.
* (mid-credits:) No, the kitty gets the milkshake. The bunny gets the pancake.
* (post-credits:) Oh no, why would I?! I like you! You guys still sticking around? Alright well, you're welcome to stay, there's not really anymore surprises but you know. Good luck getting that song out of your head it's a real ear wig. Anyway what else uh...
** Who: [[w:Wreck-it Ralph (character)|Wreck-it Ralph]]
** Source: ''[[Ralph Breaks the Internet]]'' (2018)

== Streaming service films ==

=== Disney+ films ===

* Hey! Movie's over! Go home!
** Who: Terry
** Source: ''[[Soul (2020 film)|Soul]]'' (2020)

=== Netflix films ===

* Well, rickety biscuit.
** Who: Edmée
** Source: ''[[Arlo the Alligator Boy]]'' (2021)

* Yay! I missed you so much!
** Who: GIR
** Source: ''[[Invader Zim: Enter the Florpus]]'' (2019)

* No!
** Who: Bobby Santiago
* (in-credits:) Just the right amount of cinnamon.
** Who: Lincoln Loud
** Source: ''[[The Loud House Movie]]'' (2021)

* Whew! Hey, guys. What did I miss? ''Aaaaaahhhhh''--
** Who: Balloon Pony
* (post-credits:) Me first!
** Who: Kid Earth Pony 1
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: A New Generation]]'' (2021)

* Woo-hoo...OOF!
** Who: Hilda
** Source: ''[[Hilda and The Mountain King]]'' (2021)

* Two thousand one boogers on the wall, two thousand and one boogers... Pick one out and flick it off, two thousand and two boogers on the wall. Two thousand and two boogers on the wall, two thousand and two boogers...
** Who: Mr. Dupette
** Source: ''[[Rocko's Modern Life: Static Cling]]'' (2019)

=== Paramount+ films ===

* We just had another call asking to speak with Victor Chouce. You're quite a popular man, Victor. I wonder what all the fuss is about. Don't feel like talking, huh? You will.
** Who: Warden
** Source: ''[[South Park: Post Covid]]'' (2021)

* Remember folks, weed can't solve all your problems but tegridy can. Tegridy Weeeed.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[South Park: Post Covid: The Return of Covid]]'' (2021)

* Yeah, well, you see, ManBearPig, eventually, he gonna kill everybody. He just gonna kill you first.
** Who: Pi-Pi
** Source: ''[[South Park: The Streaming Wars]]'' (2022)

* Yeah, but that all sounds really hard. We have enough water for the summer now. Fuck it. Let's smoke some weed!
** Who: Randy Marsh
** Source: ''[[South Park: The Streaming Wars Part 2]]'' (2022)

== Animated TV specials ==

* D.W., turn that thing off!
** Who: Arthur Read
** Source: ''Arthur's Perfect Christmas'' (2000)
* Well, you kids will never believe this, but I could almost swear I saw a cat – a Cat in the Hat, mind you – going down the street with a moss-covered three-handled family gradunza!
** Who: Mother
** Source: ''[[The Cat in the Hat (TV special)|The Cat in the Hat]]'' (1971)
* C'mon, sis. Let's go talk to Mom and Dad.
** Who: Michael
** Source: ''[[Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue]]'' (1990)

* There is a story, some kids tell about when the world was ruled by an evil adult. A story about a boy, his dad, a book, and a tree. It's the true story about how I found the book of KND and what I wrote in it. Five words only. WE. ARE. KIDS. NEXT. DOOR.
** Who: Nigel Uno (Numbuh One)
** Source: ''[[Codename: Kids Next Door - Operation Z.E.R.O.]]'' (2006)

* It's taken me so many years, so many lifetimes, but at last I know where I'm going. Where I've always been going. Home, the long way round.
** Who: The [[Eleventh Doctor]]
** Source: ''[[Eleventh Doctor|Doctor Who: The Day of the Doctor]]'' (2013)

* Mr. Phillip has wished, and so I shall use my power. With a wave of my hands, I shall say, &quot;au revoir, Eiffel Tower!&quot;
** Who: Adil
** Source: ''[[Genie in the House|Genie in the House: Legend of the Dragon]]'' (2010)

* Oh, I love it, Philip, I love it too bits!
** Who: Max Baxter
** Source: ''[[Genie in the House|Genie in the House: Return to Balamkadaar]]'' (2008)

* We'll be waiting right here.
** Who: Stella Shortman
** Source: ''[[Hey Arnold!: The Jungle Movie]]'' (2017)

* Welcome, Christmas, bring your cheer. Cheer to all Whos far and near. Christmas Day is in our grasp, so as long as we have hands to clap, Christmas Day will always be just as long as we have. Welcome, Christmas. While we stand... Heart to heart... and hand to hand.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[w: How the Grinch stole Christmas|Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas]]'' (1966)

* Merry Christmas!
** Who: [[w:Santa Claus|Santa Claus]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: A Mammoth Christmas]]'' (2011)

* The ship is terrible! Not seaworthy! Bunny overboard!
** Who: [[w:List_of_Ice_Age_characters#Squint|Squint]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: The Great Egg-Scapade]]'' (2016)
** Note: Squint trying to sail away in a basket as a ship but unfortunately it sinks.

* Merry Christmas and happy Julianuary, everybody!
** Who: Mort
** Source: ''[[Merry Madagascar]]'' (2009)

* Two, three four!
** Who: River
** Source: ''My Scene: Jammin' in Jamaica'' (2004)

* To sharing secrets with the best friends anyone could ever have!
** Who: Chelsea
** Source: ''My Scene: Masquerade Madness'' (2004)

* What? It's none of your business!
** Who: Beth
** Source: ''Polly Pocket: Lunar Eclipse'' (2003)

* Still, it was mad fun!
** Who: Pia Pocket
** Source: ''Polly Pocket: 2 Cool at the Pocket Plaza'' (2005)

* Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho!
** Who: [[w:Santa Claus|Santa Claus]]
** Source: ''[[Stick Man]]'' (2015)

* Okay, next time, we're going to Mexico. OW!
** Who: Beast Boy
** Source: ''[[Teen Titans: Trouble in Tokyo]]'' (2006)

* Above all, do not lament my absence, for in my spark, I know that this is not the end, but merely a new beginning. Simply put, another transformation.
** Who: Optimus Prime
** Source: ''[[Transformers: Prime|Transformers: Prime - Predacons Rising]]'' (2013)

* First one inside gets to give him mouth to mouth!
** Who: Lee
* (post-credits:) It's the end of the movie? What movie?
** Who: Jonny 2X4
** Source: ''[[Ed, Edd n Eddy's Big Picture Show]]'' (2009)

* That night, the stars seemed to shine down on the forest with a special warm glow. Schaeffer wondered if he could have dreamt it all. Surely a star had fallen and spread magic in its path? And one special wish had come true, just now. And then Schaeffer stopped wondering, because he suddenly knew that if Broo had made it to the Evergreen Forest, then he would soon see Sophia and the Raccoons too.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Raccoons and the Lost Star]]'' (1983)

=== ''[[Futurama]]'' ===

* Well, we're boned.
** Who: Bender
** Source: ''[[Futurama: Bender's Big Score]]'' (2007)

* Because Bender knows love. And love doesn't share itself with the world. Love is suspicious, love is needy, love is fearful, love is greedy. My friends, there is no great love without great jealousy. I love you, meatbags.
** Who: Bender
** Source: ''[[Futurama: The Beast with a Billion Backs]]'' (2008)

* Faster! Faster! Slower!
** Who: Professor Farnsworth
** Source: ''[[Futurama: Bender's Game]]'' (2008)

* Go! Go!
** Who: Fry and Leela
** Source: ''[[Futurama: Into the Wild Green Yonder]]'' (2009)

=== ''[[The Jimmy Timmy Power Hour Specials]]'' ===

* GET OUT OF MY LAB!
** Who: Jimmy Neutron
** Source: ''Jimmy Timmy Power Hour'' (2004)

* Boys, boys! Please! This fighting over me has got to stop!
** Who: Cindy Vortex
** Source: ''Jimmy Timmy Power Hour 2: When Nerds Collide'' (2006)

* Okay, give him his brain back, boys.
** Who: Cindy Vortex
** Source: ''Jimmy Timmy Power Hour 3: The Jerkinators'' (2006)

=== ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls'' specials ===

* Me too!
** Who: Sour Sweet
** Source: ''Dance Magic'' (2017)

* Uh, sorry.
** Who: Human Rainbow Dash
** Source: ''Movie Magic'' (2017)

* Right.
** Who: Starlight Glimmer
** Source: ''Mirror Magic'' (2017)

* Oh, come on! Seriously?!
** Who: Human Rainbow Dash
** Source: ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Forgotten Friendship'' (2018)

* If you’re up for it.
** Who: Human Rarity
** Source: ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Rollercoaster of Friendship'' (2018)

* We’re baaaack!
** Who: Sunset Shimmer
** Source: ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Spring Breakdown'' (2019)

* Yeah, I guess it would’ve been!
** Who: Human Pinkie Pie
** Source: ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Sunset's Backstage Pass'' (2020)

=== ''[[Miraculous Ladybug]]'' ===

* Hmm.
** Who: Monk
** Source: ''[[Miraculous World: New York – United Heroez]]'' (2020)

* Coming to China, I found so much more than I'd ever hoped for: an amazing uncle, a new friend, and a new Mandarin teacher.
** Who: Marinette Dupain-Cheng
** Source: ''[[Miraculous World: Shanghai – The Legend of Ladydragon]]'' (2020)

=== ''Peanuts'' ===

* Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown!
** Who: Everyone
** Source: ''[[A Charlie Brown Christmas]]'' (1965)

* My grandmother lives in a condominium.
** Who: Charlie Brown
** Source: ''[[A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving]] (1973)

* To read Crime and Punishment by Dostoevsky. Happy New Year, Charlie Brown.
** Who: [[w:Linus van Pelt|Linus van Pelt]]
** Source: ''[[Happy New Year, Charlie Brown]]'' (1986)

* Ah...the Easter Beagle...
** Who: Lucy van Pelt
** Source: ''[[It's the Easter Beagle, Charlie Brown]]'' (1974)

* STUPID? What do you mean &quot;stupid&quot;?! Just wait till next year, Charlie Brown! You'll see! Next year at this same time, I'll find a pumpkin patch that is *real* sincere and I'll sit in that pumpkin patch until the Great Pumpkin appears. He'll rise out of that pumpkin patch and he'll fly through the air with his bag of toys. The Great Pumpkin will appear and I'll be waiting for him! I'll be there! I'll be sitting there in that pumpkin patch... and I'll see the Great Pumpkin. Just wait and see, Charlie Brown. I'll see that Great Pumpkin. I'll SEE the Great Pumpkin! Just you wait, Charlie Brown. The Great Pumpkin will appear, and I'll be waiting for him...!
** Who: Linus van Pelt
** Source: ''[[It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown]]'' (1966)

* Grandma?
** Who: Linus van Pelt
** Source: ''Happiness is a Warm Blanket, Charlie Brown'' (2011)

* Charlie Brown, get your stupid dog to stop playing this music!
** Who: Lucy van Pelt
** Source: ''[[It's the Pied Piper, Charlie Brown]]'' (2000)

=== ''Rankin/Bass'' ===

* Merry Christmas! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
** Who: Santa Claus
** Source: ''[[Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (TV special)|Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer]]'' (1964)

* Aaron's heart was filled with joy and love. And he knew at last that the hate he had carried there was wrong. As ALL hatred will ever be wrong. For more powerful, more beautiful by far than all the eons of sadness and cruelty and desolation which had come before, was that one tiny, crystalline second of laughter. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.
** Who: Our Storyteller
** Source: ''[[The Little Drummer Boy (film)|The Little Drummer Boy]]'' (1968)

* I'll be back on Christmas Day!
** Who: Frosty
** Source: ''[[Frosty the Snowman (TV special)|Frosty the Snowman]]'' (1969)

* Merry Christmas!
** Who: Children
** Source: ''[[Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town (film)|Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town]]'' (1970)

* Happy Easter Day!
** Who: Everyone
** Source: ''[[Here Comes Peter Cottontail]]'' (1971)

* Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!
** Who: Santa Claus
** Source: ''[['Twas the Night Before Christmas (1974 TV special)|'Twas the Night Before Christmas]]'' (1974)

* I dreamed unhappy things!
** Who: Santa Claus
** Source: ''[[The Year Without a Santa Claus]]'' (1974)

* And frosty, too!
** Who: Frosty and Crystal
** Source: ''[[Frosty's Winter Wonderland]]'' (1976)

* And may it be shiny, too!
** Who: Rudolph
** Source: ''[[Rudolph's Shiny New Year]]'' (1976)

* Okay!
** Who: Rudolph
** Source: ''[[Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July]]'' (1979)

* And so, the folks of Beansborough got their winter carnival after all. A tradition was saved. Summer Wheeze was permanently canned, and Mr. Twitchell decided to make sleds instead of trouble. He should have known he was no match for Mother Nature, or a little girl like Holly. Next stop: Winnipeg. Nice town, plenty of parking space, and lots of cocoa.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Frosty Returns]]'' (1992)

=== ''Marvel Rising'' franchise ===

=== ''Thomas and Friends'' specials ===

* Emily was delighted. That night, the engines talked about steamies, diesels, and airplanes, and they all agreed that Tidmouth sheds was the best place to be.
** Who: The narrator
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Calling All Engines]]'' (2005)

* But we're ALL leaders of the track!
* And he couldn't have been happier!
** Who 1: Thomas
** Who 2: The narrator
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|The Great Discovery]]'' (2008)

* I know, Thomas. Thank you.
** Who: Hiro
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Hero of the Rails]]'' (2008)

* And everyone giggled and jiggled.
** Who: The narrator
* (post-credits:) You'll be laughing on the other side of your boilers soon, silly steamies! ''(evil laugh)'' Yes...
** Who: Diesel 10
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Misty Island Rescue]]'' (2010)
** Note: The latter aforementioned line leads into the events of ''Day of the Diesels''. 

* And the two best friends giggled and jiggled with joy.
** Who: The narrator
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Day of the Diesels]]'' (2011)

* And no engine whistled louder than Thomas and Luke!
** Who: The narrator
* (in-credits:) It's me!
** Who: Rheneas
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Blue Mountain Mystery]]'' (2012)

* Knights in Shining Armor, on your mark, get set, go!
** Who: Sir Robert Norramby
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|King of the Railway]]'' (2013)

* Percy was sad to say goodbye to his new friend, but he was happy that he had his old friends beside him.
** Who: The narrator
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Tale of the Brave]]'' (2014)

* But I'm not Mr. Coffee Pot, my name is Glynn.
** Who: Glynn
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|The Adventure Begins]]'' (2015)

* One, two, threeeeeeeee!!!
** Who: Scuba divers' captain
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Sodor's Legend of the Lost Treasure]]'' (2015)

* Good idea! You ''are'' clever. Sometimes.
** Who: Ashima
* (in-credits:) OVER HERE! I'M FULL OF SURPRISES...!
** Who: Diesel
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|The Great Race]]'' (2016)

* What did I miss?
** Who: Henry
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Journey Beyond Sodor]]'' (2017)

* Thomas?
** Who: Ace
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Big World! Big Adventures!]]'' (2018)

=== ''Winnie the Pooh'' specials ===

* No worry! Take your time! Yum, yum!
** Who: Winnie the Pooh
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh and the Honey Tree]]'' (1966)

* And Piglet, too!
** Who: Piglet
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh and the Blustery Day]]'' (1968)

* Come on, everybody! Bounce!
** Who: Rabbit
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh and Tigger Too]]'' (1974)

* Of course you are. Silly old bear.
** Who: Christopher Robin
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh and a Day for Eeyore]]'' (1983)

* And so it was the most thankful day of Thanksgiving, for of all the things we've had or ever liked, the grandest thing we shall ever have is one another... or so it was said, by a bear named Winnie the Pooh.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''A Winnie the Pooh Thanksgiving'' (1998)

* And so as winter changes into spring, which changes into summer, there are things which go on forever unchanging, such as the way a certain boy cares for a certain bear. And we will know for as long as we care to remember, that somewhere in that enchanted place, on top of the forest... a boy and his bear... will always be playing.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''Winnie the Pooh: A Valentine for You'' (1999)

=== ''Winx Club'' specials ===

* I AM A FAIRY!!!
** Who: Bloom
** Source: ''Winx Club: The Fate of Bloom'' (2011)

* The Trix took the Dragon Flame!
** Who: Bloom
** Source: ''Winx Club: Revenge of the Trix'' (2011)

* I don't know, but I guess we'll find out... together.
** Who: Sky
** Source: ''Winx Club: The Battle for Magix'' (2011)

* Get over here!
** Who: Bloom
** Source: ''Winx Club: The Shadow Phoenix'' (2011)

[[Category:Last lines|Animated films]]</text>
      <sha1>hhqj9ujzp2wlkawy7j2778tkgtfkoem</sha1>
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    <revision>
      <id>3153859</id>
      <parentid>3153858</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-12T10:13:18Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:1700:F770:7B40:F8D1:1FBC:401F:5ED1</ip>
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      <comment>/* Alvin and the Chipmunks animated movies */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="85942" xml:space="preserve">== Animated films ==

* I'm not sure, exactly. But this world is ours now. It's what we make of it.
** Who: 9
** Source: ''[[9 (2009 animated film)|9]]'' (2009)

* Stop attacking me! Why do you always have to attack me now?! Sit, stay, sit!
** Who: King Llort
** Source: ''[[A Troll in Central Park]]'' (1994)

* No laughing. I’m serious.
** Who: Nai Nai
** Source: ''[[Abominable (2019 film)|Abominable]]'' (2019)

* Man, I'm getting out of here.
** Who: [[w:Bing Crosby|Bing Crosby]]
** Source: ''[[The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad]]'' (1949)

* Bye-bye!
** Who: Rocky
** Source: ''[[The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle]]'' (2000)

* He'll be back.
** Who: Charlie B. Barkin
** Source: ''[[All Dogs Go to Heaven]]'' (1989)

* Hey, guys! I worked a little magic.
** Who: David
** Source: ''[[All Dogs Go to Heaven 2]]'' (1996)

* Buh-bye!
** Who: Fievel and Tanya Mousekewitz
** Source: ''[[An American Tail]]'' (1986)

* I think one day you'll find... that you're the hero you've been lookin'for.
** Who: Wylie
** Source: ''[[An American Tail: Fievel Goes West]]'' (1991)

* Huh? Wow!
** Who: Fievel Mousekewitz
** Source: ''[[An American Tail: The Treasure of Manhattan Island]]'' (1998)

* Sweet dreams, my little Fievel. Sweet dreams.
** Who: Mama Mousekewitz
** Source: ''[[An American Tail: The Mystery of the Night Monster]]'' (1999)

* So long, everybody.
** Who: Bartok
** Source: ''[[Anastasia (1997 film)|Anastasia]]'' (1997)

* To the animals, it now seemed that their world, which may or may not some day become a happy place to live in, was worse than ever for ordinary creatures, and another moment had come when they must do something about it...
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Animal Farm (1954 film)|Animal Farm]]'' (1954)

* There you have it. Your average 'boy-meets-girl, boy-likes-girl, boy-changes-underlying-social-order' story. So, what else can I tell you? We rebuilt the colony - it's even better than before, you know, 'cause now it has a very large indoor swimming pool. Bala and I, incidentally, are thinking of starting a family. You know, just a few kids, maybe a million or two to begin with. And I'm, I'm workin' with a new therapist, you know, terrific, absolutely terrific. He's, he's been putting me in touch with my inner maggot, which is helping me a great deal. And, you know, I finally feel like I've found my place. And you know what? It's right back where I started. But the difference is, this time I chose it.
** Who: Z
** Source: ''[[Antz]]'' (1998)

* Wait a minute. I'm the leader. I'll say when it's the end. It's the end.
** Who: Napoleon
** Source: ''[[The Aristocats]]'' (1970)

* So long, folks.
** Who: Bartok
** Source: ''[[Bartok the Magnificent]]'' (1999)

* I am.
** Who: Andrea Beaumont
** Source: ''[[Batman: Mask of the Phantasm]]'' (1993)

* Tool.
** Who: Butt-head
** Source: ''[[Beavis and Butt-head Do America]]'' (1996)

* Between you and me, I was dying to get out of that office.
** Who: Barry Benson
* (post-credits:) I had virtually no rehearsal for that.
** Who: Barry Benson
** Source: ''[[Bee Movie]]'' (2007)

* We didn't set out to be superheroes... But sometimes, life doesn't go the way you planned. The good thing is, my brother wanted to help a lot of people, and that's what we're gonna do. Who are we?
** Who: Hiro Hamada
* (post-credits:) We have a lot to talk about.
** Who: Fred's Dad
** Source: ''[[Big Hero 6]]'' (2014) 

* Nope. I've never seen him before in my life.
** Who: A pigeon
** Source: ''[[Bolt (2008 film)|Bolt]]'' (2008)

* Yep.
** Who: Doli
** Source: ''[[The Black Cauldron (film)|The Black Cauldron]]'' (1985)

* Bye!
** Who: Steve and Blue
** Source: ''[[Blue's Big Musical Movie]]'' (2000)

* Yay! They're staying! Let's do this....
** Who: Scoop
** Source: ''[[Bob The Builder: Mega Machines The Movie]]'' (2017)

* Hi there, baby sister.
** Who: Timothy's daughter
* (mid-credits:) Okay.
** Who: Mrs. Templeton
* (post-credits:) Wake up, little halflings. It's time to leave. Go and live your peasant lives. BE GONE WITH YOU!
** Who: Wizzie
** Source: ''[[The Boss Baby]]'' (2017)

* There are those who say fate is something beyond our command. That destiny is not our own, but I know better. Our fate lives within us. You only have to be brave enough to see it.
** Who: Merida
* (post-credits:) Delivery! Sign here, sign here! Come on, birdbrain! Haven't got all day!
** Who: The Crow
** Source: ''[[Brave (2012 film)|Brave]]'' (2012)

* My brother Kenai went on to live with Koda and the other bears. He taught me that love is very powerful. And I passed on the wisdom of his story to our people. The story of a boy who became a man...by becoming a bear.
** Who: Old Denahi
* (post-credits) Cut, cut. Ooh.
** Who: Koda
** Source: ''[[Brother Bear]]'' (2003)

* Present stalks! Harvester, salute!
** Who: Thorny
* (in-credits:) Spinning a web of safety in less in 15... Ow!
** Who: P.T.
** Source: ''[[A Bug's Life]]'' (1998)

* TRA-LA-LAAAAAAAA!!!
** Who: Captain Underpants/Mr. Krupp
* (in-credits:) NO!
** Who: Secretary
** Source: ''[[Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie]]'' (2017)

* Get a picture, boys. These kids will be making history!
** Who: L.B. Mammoth
* Hmph!
** Who: Darla Dimple
** Source: ''[[Cats Don't Dance]]'' (1997)

* Wilbur never forgot Charlotte. Although he loved her children and grandchildren dearly, none of the new spiders ever quite took her place in his heart. She was in a class by herself. It's not often that someone comes along who's a true friend and a good writer. Charlotte was both.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Charlotte's Web (1973 film)|Charlotte's Web]]'' (1973)

*Oh, Ace!
**Who: Movie Abby
**Source: ''[[Chicken Little (2005 film)|Chicken Little]]'' (2005)

* Hang on. Let's go over this again?
** Who: Fetcher
* (in-credits:) I don't know.
** Who: Nick
** Source: ''[[Chicken Run]]'' (2000)

* Coco!
** Who: Héctor
** Source: ''[[Coco (2017 film)|Coco]]'' (2017)

* Well, so long, glamor boy!
** Who: Jim Crow
** Source: ''[[Dumbo]]'' (1941)

* I'm so proud of you guys.
** Who: Kronk
** Source: ''[[The Emperor's New Groove]]'' (2000)

* Oh, how cute.
** Who: Yzma
** Source: ''[[Kronk's New Groove]]'' (2005)

* To kindness and love, the things we need most!
** Who: [[w:The Grinch|The Grinch]]
** Source: ''[[The Grinch (film)|Dr. Seuss' The Grinch]]'' (2018)

* Well, come on, Baggy buddy! Let's get back to where we belong. And get with the beat!
** Who: Baloo
** Source: ''[[The Jungle Book (1967 film)|The Jungle Book]]'' (1967)

* Yeah, man!
** Who: Baloo
** Source: ''[[The Jungle Book 2]]'' (2003)

* And so, all ended well for both Horton and Whos. And for all in the jungle, even Kangaroos. So let that be a lesson to one and to all. A person's a person. No matter how small.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Horton Hears a Who! (film)|Dr. Seuss' Horton Hears a Who!]]'' (2008)

* You done good, Beanpole. You done good. By the way, nice mustache.
** Who: [[w:The Lorax|The Lorax]]
** Source: ''[[The Lorax (film)|Dr. Seuss' The Lorax]]'' (2012)

* Somebody! Stop those pants!
** Who: Scrooge McDuck
** Source: ''[[DuckTales|DuckTales the Movie: Treasure of the Lost Lamp]]'' (1990)

* Aw, shit cunt!
** Who: Spanky Ham
** Source: ''[[The Drawn Together Movie: The Movie!]]'' (2010)

* Go fish.
** Who: Smiler
** Source: ''[[The Emoji Movie]]'' (2017)

* Everyone together...
* La Familia Madrigal!
** Who: Abuela Alma Madrigal
** Who 2: The Madrigals
** Source: ''[[Encanto (film)|Encanto]]'' (2021)

* Mmm... that was a good toast.
** Who: Ash
** Source: ''[[Fantastic Mr. Fox (film)|Fantastic Mr. Fox]]'' (2009)

* Yeah, forever.
** Who: Copper
** Source: ''[[The Fox and the Hound]]'' (1981)

* Yeah. Well, good night, Willie. Don't slam the roof. You might wake Mr. Bergen.
** Who: Mortimer
** Source: ''[[Fun and Fancy Free]]'' (1947)

* Enchante, Madamoiselle!
** Who: Goofy
** Source: ''[[A Goofy Movie]]'' (1995)

* You know, somehow I knew you would. Ah-yuck!
** Who: Goofy
** Source: ''[[An Extremely Goofy Movie]]'' (2000)

* Arlo!
** Who: Momma Ida
** Source: ''[[The Good Dinosaur]]'' (2015)

* From that time on, Basil and I were a close team, and over the years we had many cases together. But I shall always look back on that first with the most fondness: My introduction to Basil of Baker Street: ''The Great Mouse Detective.''
** Who: Dawson
** Source: ''[[The Great Mouse Detective]]'' (1986)

* Yeah, things are looking up around here now.
** Who: Pokey
** Source: ''[[Gumby: The Movie]]'' (1995)

* That's Phil's boy!
** Who: The Strong Man
* (post-credits:) What d'ya say? It's happy ending time! Everybody's got a little taste of something, but me! I got nothin'! I'm, I'm here with nothin'! Anybody listenin'? It's like I'm... What am I, an echo or something? Hello? Hello? Am I talking to, what, hyperspace? Hello, it's me! Nobody listens.
** Who: Hades
** Source: ''[[Hercules (1997 film)|Hercules]]'' (1997)

* Show's over, Eugene.
** Who: Gerald Johanssen
** Source: ''[[Hey Arnold!: The Movie]]'' (2002)

* Everybody smile.
** Who: Lucy Tucci
** Source: ''[[Home (2015 film)|Home]]'' (2015) 

* Don't you ever migrate?
** Who: Laverne
* (post-credits:) Good night, everybody! Whoo-hoo-hoo!
** Who: Hugo
** Source: ''[[The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1996 film)|The Hunchback of Notre Dame]]'' (1996)

* And I love Quasimodo!!
** Who: Madellaine
** Source: ''[[The Hunchback of Notre Dame II]]'' (2002)

* We've been through a lot lately, that's for sure. But we still love our girl. She has great new friends, a great new house. Things couldn't be better. After all, Riley's twelve now. What could happen?
** Who: Joy
* (in-credits:) No! Not this again!
** Who: Bus Driver's Emotions
** Source: ''[[Inside Out (2015 film)|Inside Out]]'' (2015)

* See you later.
** Who: Hogarth Hughes
** Source: ''[[The Iron Giant]]'' (1999)

* I take it back.
** Who: Jane
** Source: ''[[Is It College Yet?]]'' (2002)

* Oh!
** Who: Helen
** Source: ''[[Is It Fall Yet?]]'' (2000)

* And that is exactly what you had just seen.
** Who: Old Man
** Source: ''[[James and the Giant Peach]]'' (1996)

* Ah, the fucking autopilot's broke!
** Who: Jay
** Source: ''[[Jay &amp; Silent Bob's Super Groovy Cartoon Movie]]'' (2013)

* Onward, Mr Wiggles. We reach the cafeteria by dawn. Waaaaah!
** Who: Ms. Winifred Fowl
** Source: ''[[Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius (film)|Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius]]'' (2001)

* Listen to them, Soren. They want more stories. Well, come on, you lot. Let's not disappoint them. Ah. There's a good storm brewing. And if we're lucky, I'll be chock full of baggywrinkles.
** Who: Ezylryb
** Source: ''[[Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole]]'' (2010)

* Never too big. You will always be my Little Bear.
** Who: Mother Bear
** Source: ''[[The Little Bear Movie]]'' (2001)

* That does it, Charlie Brown! He is your dog, and you're welcome to him.
** Who: Lucy Van Pelt
** Source: ''[[Snoopy, Come Home]]'' (1972)

* Let's go, bulls!
** Who: [[w:Bill Murray|Bill Murray]]
* (post-credits:) Can l go home now?
** Who: [[w:Michael Jordan|Michael Jordan]]
** Source: ''[[Space Jam]]'' (1996)

* Th-th-th-that's all, folks!
** Who: [[w:Porky Pig|Porky Pig]]
** Source: ''[[Space Jam: A New Legacy]]'' (2021)

* Nice work. See you tomorrow!
** Who: Director
* Go home, folks.
** Who: [[w:Porky Pig|Porky Pig]]
** Source: ''[[Looney Tunes: Back in Action]]'' (2003)

* WILMA!
** Who: [[w:Fred Flintstone|Fred Flintstone]]
** Source: ''[[The Man Called Flintstone]]'' (1966)

* In the state of Texas, USA, life still goes on in the same old way. The Pecos River still flows on, but the greatest cowboy on earth is gone. Yeah, Bill went back to the coyotes, but he never forgot Sue. Every night when the moon was high, he'd lift his voice in a mournful cry, bewailing the fate of his lady fair, his long-lost love in the sky up there. So painful was his grief to see, the varmints joined in out of sympathy. That's how come, to this very day, coyotes howl at the moon that way.
** Who: Roy Rogers
** Source: ''[[Melody Time]]'' (1948)

* Bravo, my friends! Our three heroes have finally made their dream come true. I think this calls for one more song!
** Who: Troubadour
** Source: ''[[Mickey, Donald, Goofy: The Three Musketeers]]'' (2004)

* Gee, thanks for letting us share our Christmas spirit with you. [laughs] Merry Christmas, everybody!
** Who: Mickey Mouse
** Source: ''[[w:Mickey's Magical Christmas: Snowed in the House of Mouse|Mickey's Magical Christmas: Snowed in at the House of Mouse]]'' (2001)

* Aw, phooey!
** Who: Donald Duck
** Source: ''[[Mickey's House of Villains]]'' (2002)

* So in the end, love is the reason that Christmas is more than a gift-giving season. It's a time with our loved ones to show that we care, When families and neighbors come together to share. So, this Christmas season, let us all do our parts To keep Christmas spirit alive in our hearts.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: '' ''[[Mickey's Once Upon a Christmas]]'' (1999)

* So, at last, Mickey learned what he'd missed from the start. Bells and holly mean little without friends in your heart. The magic of Christmas has its rhyme and its reason. We hope you and yours have a most joyous season.
** Who: Narrator
* Ho ho ho!
** Who: Santa Claus
** Source: '' ''[[Mickey's Twice Upon a Christmas]]'' (2004)

* Welcome home!
** Who: A villager
* (post-credits:) Didn't help me though, did it? Still upside down here. Just need a little push. Can we be real? If my name was Sebastian and I had a cool Jamacian accent, you'd totally help me. You would. You know you would.
** Who: Tamatoa 
** Source: ''[[Moana (2016 film)|Moana]]'' (2016)
** Note: He is last seen after the credits, where he is still trapped and struggling to get off his shell, but to no avail. He asks the audience for assistance, and sarcastically quips that if his name was &quot;Sebastian&quot; and he had a Jamaican accent, the audience would feel happy to help him out (the reference to the supporting character of the same name from Disney's [[w:The Little Mermaid (1989 film)|The Little Mermaid]]). It is unknown if he ever got back up or if he starved.

* Wait, wait, wait, wa-wa-wait?! You were dating Derek, too?! That two-timing jerk!
** Who: B.O.B.
* (mid-credits:) Time to wave the white flag and head for the bunker, boys. Let's check the situation in 500 years! Who wants to freeze my head?
** Who: President Hathaway
** Source: ''[[Monsters vs. Aliens]]'' (2009)

* Mushu!
** Who: Great Ancestor
** Source: ''[[Mulan (1998 film)|Mulan]]'' (1998)

* Does a hero dragon deserve anything less? Draw my bath! Warm my towels! Let the pampering begin!
** Who: Mushu
** Source: ''[[Mulan II]]'' (2004)

* Okay! That is the most awesome name ever!
** Who: Pinkie Pie
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: The Movie (2017 film)|My Little Pony: The Movie]]'' (2017)

* I can't think of anything better.
** Who: Madison
** Source: ''My Scene Goes Hollywood: The Movie'' (2005)

* And the moral of our story is...
** Who: Yakko Warner
** Source: ''Wakko's Wish'' (1999)

* What a delightful scoundrel.
** Who: Winston
** Source: ''[[Oliver &amp; Company]]'' (1988)

* Whoa-ho, yeah-ha!
** Who: Barley Lightfoot
** Source: ''[[Onward (film)|Onward]]'' (2020)

* Left foot, right foot... Ah, who needs feet when you got fins! Whoo-hoo!
** Who: Tanglefoot
** Source: ''[[Ooops! Noah Is Gone...]]'' (2015)

* Oh, well. Out with the old, in with the new, huh?
** Who: Frank Detorre
** Source: ''[[Osmosis Jones]]'' (2001)

* There's a secret between you and me, Baby.
** Who: Higgins
** Source: ''[[The Outback (2012 film)|The Outback]]'' (2012)

* Shoot!
** Who: RJ
** Source: ''[[Over the Hedge]]'' (2006)

* And Liberty!
** Who: Liberty
** Source: ''[[PAW Patrol: The Movie]]'' (2021)

* Wait, wait, wait!
** Who: Phineas Flynn
** Source: ''[[Phineas and Ferb the Movie: Across the 2nd Dimension]]'' (2011)

* Well, I'll be! Ho-ho-ho! My, my! Solid gold, too. Oh, I think it's swell.
** Who: Jiminy Cricket
** Source: ''[[Pinocchio (1940 film)|Pinocchio]]'' (1940)

* Godspeed, John.
** Who: Thomas
** Source: ''[[Pocahontas (1995 film)|Pocahontas]]'' (1995)

* At one time, most of my friends could hear the bell. But as years passed, it felt silent for all of them. Even Sarah found, one Christmas, that she could no longer hear its sweet sound. Though I've grown old, the bell still rings for me. As it does for all who truly believe.
** Who: Adult Hero Boy
** Source: ''[[The Polar Express]]'' (2004)

* Sure!
** Who: Evie and Tori
** Source: ''PollyWorld'' (2006)

* Sugar, spice, and everything nice. These were the ingredients chosen to create the perfect little girl. But, Professor Utonium accidentally added an extra ingredient to the concoction. Chemical X. Thus, Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup were born. Using their ultra-super powers, they've dedicated their lives to fighting crime, and the forces of evil. And so for the very first time the day is saved thanks to... the Powerpuff Girls! Hey, that's a good name for them! Powerpuff Girls! Yeah! I like that! Wonder if ''they will?'' I'll run it by them. Powerpuff Girls! Mmm-hmm.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Powerpuff Girls Movie]]'' (2002)

* Well, I waited this long.
** Who: Charlotte LaBouff
** Source: ''[[The Princess and the Frog]]'' (2009)

* Yeah!
** Who: Background character
* (mid-credits 1) And gullible. I forgot to mention gullible.
** Who: [[w:Lucy|Lucy]]
* (mid-credits 2) A round of root beer for our hero the Flying Ace.
** Who: [[w:Marcie|Marcie]]
** Source: ''[[The Peanuts Movie]]'' (2015)

* Well done, Ayden.
** Who: Merlin
** Source: ''[[Quest for Camelot]]'' (1998)

* (theatrical version:) Rango!
** Who: The Mariachi Owls
* (extended version:) My fellow comrades. There will be times when you doubt yourself. When you feel pummeled by the catalclysms of life, remember this moment. Remember me. Know that I will be there, watching you... sometimes at inappropriate moments. That's part of the deal. And remember, that within all of us resides the true Spirit of We- Woah! Let's take it from the top.
** Who: Rango
** Source: ''[[Rango (2011 film)|Rango]]'' (2011)

* Hey, believe me, that story gets better when I tell it, okay? Come on! Bring some food over here, we're starving!
** Who: Django
** Source: ''[[Ratatouille]]'' (2007)

* Ba, welcome to Kumandra.
** Who: Raya
** Source: ''[[Raya and the Last Dragon]]'' (2021)

* Oh we're not late. We'll never going to be late again.
** Who: Rigby
** Source: ''[[Regular Show: The Movie]]'' (2015)

* Aw, phooey! Phooey!
** Who: Robert Benchley
** Source: ''[[The Reluctant Dragon (1941 film)|The Reluctant Dragon]]'' (1941)

* My name is Jack Frost, and I'm a Guardian. How do I know that? Because the Moon told me so. So when the Moon tells you something... ''believe it''.
** Who: Jack Frost
** Source: ''[[Rise of the Guardians]]'' (2012)

* Chel, we're not on the horse!
** Who: Tulio
** Source: ''[[The Road to El Dorado]]'' (2000)

* Well, folks, that's the way it really happened.
** Who: [[w:Alan-a-Dale|Allan-a-Dale]]
** Source: ''[[Robin Hood (1973 film)|Robin Hood]]'' (1973)

* Wait a minute, wait a minute! I-I-I was on the list! Come on, don't you know who I am? Wait! Whoa!
** Who: Tim the Gate Guard
** Source: ''[[Robots (2005 film)|Robots]]'' (2005)

* Hey, Edmond!
** Who: Chanticleer
** Source: ''[[Rock-a-Doodle]]'' (1991)

* As long as we're together. I'm ready to get baked and do anything.
** Who: Brenda
** Source: ''[[Sausage Party]]'' (2016)

* Thank you, Max.
** Who: Duke
* (mid-credits:) I'm home, Leonard. Were you a good boy, Leonard?
** Who: Leonard's Owner
* (post-credits:) All right, party's over!
** Who: Pops
** Source: ''[[The Secret Life of Pets]]'' (2016)

* Bye bye, momma and dada.
** Who: Liam
* (mid-credits:) Snowball, I'm back!
** Who: Molly
* (post-credits:) Okay. Moment's over.
** Who: Rooster
** Source: ''[[The Secret Life of Pets 2]]'' (2019)

* Oh, no!
** Who: Martin
** Source: ''[[The Secret of NIMH]]'' (1982)

* You got served!
** Who: The Shrimp
* Did somebody say CRAZY?!
** Who: Crazy Joe
* What you doing? Go on, get outta here! Go home! It's past your bedtime!
** Who: Mrs. Sanchez
** Source: ''[[Shark Tale]]'' (2004)

* Thanks, boy. Steady. Whoo-hoo!
** Who: Homer Simpson
* (mid-credits:) Smithers, I don't believe in suicides, but if you like to try, it would cheer me up to watch.
** Who: Mr. Burns
* (mid-credits 2:) This is Tom Hanks saying if you see me in person, please leave me be.
** Who: ''[[w:Tom Hanks|Tom Hanks]]''
* (in-credits:) Sequel?
** Who: Maggie Simpson
* (post-credits:) Four years of film school for this?
** Who: Squeaky-Voiced Teen
** Source: ''[[The Simpsons Movie]]'' (2007)

* All creatures great and small, welcome to the New Moon Theater!
** Who: Buster Moon
** Source: ''[[Sing (2016 film)|Sing]]'' (2016)

* Blue!
** Who: Merryweather
** Source: ''[[Sleeping Beauty]]'' (1957)

* Pro: if you go down there you'll meet lots of people. Con: Uh, you're not really a people person. Ugh, this is torture!
** Who: Fleem 
* (mid-credits:) Okay in 3, 2... On the next episode of... Wait am I missing a tooth?
** Who: Percy Patterson
** Source: ''[[Smallfoot (film)|Smallfoot]]'' (2018) 

* Blue cheese!
** Who: Everyone 
* (in-credits:) Am I going mad, Azrael? For the last time, get them to shut off this music!
** Who: [[w:Gargamel|Gargamel]]
** Source: ''[[Smurfs: The Lost Village]]'' (2017)

* Goodbye!
** Who: [[w:Snow White (Disney character)|Snow White]]
** Source: ''[[Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs]]'' (1937)

* Look!
** Who: Kyle Broflovski
* (post-credits:) Guys out there is hurted.
** Who: Ike Broflovski
** Source: ''[[South Park: Bigger, Longer &amp; Uncut]]'' (1999)

* I think I can handle it.
** Who: Chihiro Ogino (Sen)
** Source: ''[[Spirited Away]]'' (2001)
** Note: This line (per above) was heard in the English dub. The original Japanese dub's final line is &quot;Chihiro, let's get to our new home.&quot;

* Miles! Miles! Do you have a minute?
** Who: Gwen Stacy / Spider-Gwen
* You haven't seen pointing until I'm finished with you!
* You're accusing me of pointing while you're...!
** Who 1: Peter Parker / 1967 Spider-Man
** Who 2: Miguel O'Hara / 2099 Spider-Man
** Source: ''[[Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse]]'' (2018)

* You think you could handle them? They're not exactly easy to get along with.
** Who: Steven
** Source: ''[[Steven Universe: The Movie]]'' (2019)

* You love it.
** Who: Tulip
** Source: ''[[Storks (film)|Storks]]'' (2016)

* We did it. We really did it! Woo-hoo! Come on, guys! Yeah!
** Who: Richard
** Source: ''[[A Stork’s Journey]]'' (2017)

* Well, uh.... that's something like television. Without commercials.
** Who: Merlin
** Source: ''[[The Sword in the Stone (film)|The Sword in the Stone]]'' (1963)

* Yes, we are.
** Who: [[w:Flynn Rider|Eugene Fitzherbert]]
** Source: ''[[Tangled]]'' (2010)

* Ooo-ooo-ee-ah-ooo.
** Who: Jane Porter
** Source: ''[[Tarzan (1999 film)|Tarzan]]'' (1999)

* Woof!
** Who: Spot Helperman
** Source: ''[[Teacher's Pet (2004 film)|Teacher's Pet]]'' (2004)

* Wait, wait, wait, wait, WAIT! KIDS, ASK YOUR PARENTS WHERE BABIES COME FROM!
** Who: 2013 Robin
* (mid-credits:) This is the ''[[Teen Titans (TV series)|Teen Titans]]''! Can anyone hear us? We think we found a way back!
** Who: 2003 Robin
* Challengers! I believe we may have missed the motion picture!
** Who: Unknown Challenger
** Source: ''[[Teen Titans Go! To the Movies]]'' (2018)

* Avengers! Assemble!
** Who: James Rogers
** Source: ''Next Avengers: Heroes of Tomorrow'' (2008)

* And of course, they lived happily ever after.
** Who: Jacquimo
** Source: ''[[Thumbelina (1994 film)|Thumbelina]]'' (1994)

* We live together, we train together, we fight together, we stand for good, together. We are Ninjas. We strike hard, defend, protect and fade into the night. And there ain't no bad guy or monster gonna ever change that: That's what's important. And that's why we'll always be brothers. Oh, I love bein' a turtle.
** Who: [[w:Raphael (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Raphael]]
** Source: ''[[TMNT (film)|TMNT]]'' (2007)

* Tom! Jerry! Welcome to your new home!
** Who: Robyn Starling
** Source: ''[[Tom and Jerry: The Movie]]'' (1992)

* Til All Are One!, Till All Are One!, Till All Are One!
** Who: The Autobots
** Source: ''[[The Transformers: The Movie]]'' (1986)

* Up high!
** Who: Cloud Guy
* (in-credits:) But wait, wait, wait.
** Who: Creek
** Source: ''[[Trolls (film)|Trolls]]'' (2016)
** Note: After Poppy and the other Trolls make peace with the Bergens, Creek, along with Chef is knocked out of the Bergen castle. Chef then betrays Creek by trying to eat him, but before this can happen, both are eaten alive by a hill monster.

* Glitter!
** Who: Queen Barb
* (in-credits:) But who gonna eat my cheese balls, babe?
** Who: King Gristle, Jr.
** Source: ''[[Trolls World Tour]]'' (2020)

* And it looks like the winner is...
** Who: Sports Announcer
** Source: ''[[Turbo (film)|Turbo]]'' (2013)

* We've all got an inner beast. We've all got a messy, loud, weird part of ourselves hidden away. And a lot of us never let it out. But I did. How about you?
** Who: Mei Lee
** Source: ''[[Turning Red]]'' (2022)

* She's gonna be so excited.
** Who: Father of Moxy's owner
** Source: ''[[Uglydolls]]'' (2019)

* Another blue one.
** Who: Russell
** Source: ''[[Up (2009 film)|Up]]'' (2009)

* Cheeeeeeeeeese!
** Who: Hutch the Rabbit
** Source: ''[[Wallace &amp; Gromit in The Curse of the Were-Rabbit|Wallace &amp; Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit]]'' (2005)

* This is called farming! You kids are gonna grow all kinds of plants! Vegetable plants, pizza plants! Oh, it's good to be home!
** Who: Captain B. McCrea
** Source: ''[[WALL-E]]'' (2008)

* Gotcha!
** Who: Alex
** Source: ''[[Walking with Dinosaurs (film)|Walking with Dinosaurs]]'' (2013)

* All the world will be your enemy, Prince of a Thousand enemies. And when they catch you, they will kill you. But first they must catch you; digger, listener, runner, Prince with the swift warning. Be cunning, and full of tricks, and your people will never be destroyed.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Watership Down (film)|Watership Down]]'' (1978)

* Alright, guys, let's eat! I'm gonna do syrup and honey.
** Who: Grizzly Bear
** Source: ''[[We Bare Bears: The Movie]]'' (2020)

* Nick!
** Who: Flash
* (in-credits:) Come on! Shake your tails with me, come on! Yeah!
** Who: Gazelle
** Source: ''[[Zootopia]]'' (2016)

=== ''101 Dalmatians'' film series ===

* I'm hungry, mother.
** Who: Roley
** Source: ''[[One Hundred and One Dalmatians]]''

* Say &quot;spots!&quot;
** Who: Photographer
** Source: ''[[101 Dalmatians II: Patch's London Adventure]]''

=== ''Alvin and the Chipmunks'' animated movies'' ===
* Alvin!
** Who: Dave Seville
** Source: ''[[The Chipmunk Adventure]]'' (1987)

* How does that song go again?
** Who: Dr. Frankenstein
** Source: ''Alvin and the Chipmunks Meet Frankenstein'' (1999)

* Us? Wild?
** Who: Alvin
** Source: ''Alvin and the Chipmunks Meet the Wolfman'' (2000)

=== ''[[The Angry Birds Movie]]'' film series ===

* Guys! No!
** Who: Red
* (mid-credits:) Whoa!
** Who: Jay, Jake, and Jim
** Source: ''[[The Angry Birds Movie]]'' (2016)

* Jinx! Jinx! Jinx!
** Who: Chuck and Silver
* (in-credits:) Bye-bye.
** Who: Zoe's sister
** Source: ''[[The Angry Birds Movie 2]]'' (2019)

=== ''[[Aladdin]]'' film series ===

* Made ya look.
** Who: Genie
* (post-credits, special edition only:) You have been a fabulous audience! Tell you what, you're the best audience in the whole world. Take care of yourselves! Good night, Alice! Good night, Agrabah! Adios, amigos!
** Who: Genie
** Source: ''[[Aladdin (1992 Disney film)|Aladdin]]'' (1992)

* Does this mean I don't get my third wish?
** Who: Abis Mal
** Source: ''[[The Return of Jafar]]'' (1994)

* Wait a minute. We're not gettin' outta here, man! We're not gettin' outta here! Don't ya understand it, man? This is it, game's over, man!
** Who: Genie
** Source: ''[[Aladdin and the King of Thieves]]'' (1996)

=== ''Bambi'' film series ===

* Well, I don't believe I've ever seen a more likely looking pair of fawns. Prince Bambi ought to be mighty proud.
** Who: Friend Owl
** Source: ''[[Bambi]]'' (1942)

* Actually, I was a lot like you.
** Who: The Great Prince of the Forest
** Source: ''[[Bambi II]]'' (2006)

=== ''Barbie'' film series ===

* I always knew you could.
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie in the Nutcracker'' (2001)

* When you do that, you'll never go wrong.
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie as Rapunzel'' (2002)

* Wouldn't miss it.
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie of Swan Lake'' (2003)

* And, of course, Wolfie and Serafina lived happily ever after. Along with their many, many, many kittens.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''Barbie as The Princess and the Pauper'' (2004)

* I can't believe it! I'm flying!
** Who: Elina
** Source: ''Barbie: Fairytopia'' (2005)

* I'm trying!
** Who: Blush
** Source: ''Barbie and the Magic of Pegasus'' (2005)

* Secret seaweed, huh? Oh, that is clever of you to remember that!
** Who: Dandilion
** Source: ''Barbie Fairytopia: Mermaidia'' (2006)

* Yes, Papa. I'm finally on time for something.
** Who: Genevieve
** Source: ''Barbie in the 12 Dancing Princesses'' (2006)

* Goodbye, Elina! I know you look forward to seeing me again!
** Who: Fabien
** Source: ''Barbie Fairytopia: Magic of the Rainbow'' (2007)

* (gasps) A princess!
** Who: Tika
** Source: ''Barbie as the Island Princess'' (2007)

* Bye-bye! Whee!
** Who: A Flutterpixie
** Source: ''Barbie: Mariposa'' (2008)

* Now, where were we?
* ''[singing]'' Oh-whoa-oh. Two voices, one song...
** Who: Barbie and Teresa
** Source: ''Barbie and the Diamond Castle'' (2008)

* I think that would be amazing, Kelly.
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie in A Christmas Carol'' (2008)

* Right now, I've got somewhere else to be!
** Who: Corrinne
** Source: ''Barbie and the Three Musketeers'' (2008)
 
* Oopsie! Guess old habits die hard...girlfriend!
** Who: Raquelle
** Source: ''Barbie: A Fairy Secret'' (2011)

* Come on. I wanna introduce you to everyone!
** Who: Blair Willows/Princess Sophia
** Source: ''Barbie: Princess Charm School'' (2011)

* Merry Christmas!
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie: A Perfect Christmas'' (2011)

* Meribella! Put your hands up for me! Come on!
** Who: Keira
** Source: ''Barbie: The Princess &amp; The Popstar'' (2012)

* Come on, let's go!
** Who: Kristyn Farraday
** Source: ''Barbie In The Pink Shoes'' (2013)

* OK! Now, who's got the boarding passes?
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie and her Sisters: In a Pony Tale'' (2013)

* What on earth?
** Who: Bookhurst
** Source: ''Barbie and the Secret Door'' (2014)

* One, two, three, four!
** Who: Erika Juno
** Source: ''Barbie in Rock 'n Royals'' (2015)

* And thanks to Barbie, who was the one after all, everyone lived happily ever after.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''Barbie: Star Light Adventure'' (2016)

* How about you show me those moves?
** Who: Lindsey
** Source: ''Barbie &amp; Her Sisters in A Puppy Chase'' (2016)

* Look!
** Who: Chelsea
** Source: ''Barbie Dolphin Magic'' (2017)

* She's right. Barbie, I can't hold back any longer. I think I... wanna dance with you.
** Who: Ken
** Source: ''Barbie Princess Adventure'' (2020)

* New York! Emmie here, coming at you live from Times Square to announce the winner of the Spotlight Solo! Put your hands together for my friends, Barbie Roberts and Barbie Roberts! Otherwise known as Malibu and Brooklyn, the winners of the Spotlight Solo!
** Who: Emmie
** Source: ''Barbie: Big City, Big Dreams'' (2021)

=== ''[[w:Beauty and the Beast (franchise)|Beauty and the Beast]]'' film series ===

* Do I still have to sleep in the cupboard?
** Who: Chip Potts
** Source: ''[[Beauty and the Beast (1991 film)|Beauty and the Beast]]'' (1991)

* I'd be delighted.
** Who: Fife
** Source: ''[[w:Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas|Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas]]'' (1997)

* And it begins, uh, Lumiere, with trust. Where, with mutual respect, as I have always said all relationships must be firmly based on that. One must build on a firm foundation of trust and respect in order to flourish and flow; nourish and grow. Always attentive to the needs of the other and honesty, utter honesty is the key on which...
** Who: Cogsworth
** Source: ''[[w:Belle's Magical World|Belle's Magical World]]'' (1998)

=== ''Bratz'' film series ===

* It was original, captivating, stylized, and told me so much about each one of you. You're all getting A+'s!
** Who: Mr. Del Rio
** Source: ''Bratz: Starrin' &amp; Stylin'' (2004)

* We’re the girls..
* With the passion for fashion!
* And...
* We...
* ROCK!
** Who: Jade, Cloe, Yasmin and Sasha
** Source: ''Bratz Rock Angelz'' (2005)

* Please, call me Henry, all right?
** Who: Gordon Murph
** Source: ''Bratz Babyz: The Movie'' (2006)

* So, after all that work and practice, we discovered that we were really good at a lot of different things. But, what we're best at is being best friends. By helping Anna win the contest, we all ended up winners and we felt like stars!
** Who: Sasha
** Source: ''Bratz Girlz Really Rock'' (2008)

=== ''Care Bears'' film series ===

* Care for me, Mrs. Cherrywood. Just care for me.
** Who: Mr. Cherrywood
** Source: ''[[The Care Bears Movie]]'' (1985)

* Yes, sir! Everything was back to the way it was. But, as always, it was just a little bit different, a little bit better, and a little bit more special—thanks to the Care Bears, the Care Bear Cousins, and thanks to... ''(laughs)'' Well, you all know who you are. I thank my lucky Stars that there are people out there like you who really do care. You're not afraid to share your feelings—and that, my friends, makes you all world-class Care Bear Champs!
** Who: The Great Wishing Star
** Source: ''[[Care Bears Movie II: A New Generation]]'' (1986)

* Goodbye!
** Who: The Care Bears
** Source: ''Care Bears: Journey to Joke-a-lot'' (2004)

* Twinkers, did you hear? Too Loud Bear finally got your name right!
** Who: Wish Bear
** Source: ''The Care Bears' Big Wish Movie'' (2005)

* You bet!
** Who: Cheer Bear
** Source: ''Care Bears: Oopsy Does It!'' (2007)

* Oopsy.
** Who: Oopsy Bear
** Source: ''Care Bears: To the Rescue'' (2010)

*Let's get this Giving Festival started!
** Who: Princess Starglo
** Source: ''Care Bears: The Giving Festival'' (2010)

*Later, gators, I've got stars to make!
** Who: Princess Starglo
** Source: ''Care Bears: Share Bear Shines'' (2011)

=== ''[[w:Cars (franchise)|Cars]]'' film series ===

* Yeah! Ka-chow!
** Who: Lightning McQueen
* (in-credits) Wait a minute here. They're just using the [[w:John Ratzenberger|same actor]] over and over. [[w:Pixar|What kind of a cut-rate production is this?!]]
** Who: Mack
* (post-credits:) NO! There's an on-ramp close! I KNOW IT! I CAN FEEL IT! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!!!
** Who: [[w:List_of_Cars_characters#Van and Minny|Van]]
** Source: ''[[Cars (film)|Cars]]'' (2006)

* Not if I see you first!
** Who: [[w:Mater (Cars)|Tow Mater]]
** Source: ''[[Cars 2]]'' (2011)

* Go!
** Who: Luigi
* (post-credits:) Hey, McQueen! You still there? McQueen! Ugh. Technology.
** Who: [[w:Mater (Cars)|Tow Mater]]
** Source: ''[[Cars 3]]'' (2017)

* Ha-ha, you're on!
** Who: Skipper
** Source: ''[[Planes (film)]]'' (2013)

* Ladies and gentleplanes! Turn your attention to the skies for today's featured aerial presentation! The Propwash Junction Corn Fest is proud to present the Piston Peak Air Attack team, and our very own world champion racer and firefighter, Dusty Crophopper!
** Who: Chug
* (in-credits:) Welcome to Death Valley National Park. Is it hot? ''(laughs weezily)'' Yes, it is.
** Who: Cad Spinner
* (post-credits:) Yay!
** Who: Drip
** Source: ''[[Planes: Fire &amp; Rescue]]'' (2014)

=== ''[[w:Cinderella (franchise)|Cinderella]]'' film series ===

* But, you see, I have the other slipper.
** Who: [[w:Cinderella (Disney character)|Cinderella]]
** Source: ''[[Cinderella (1950 film)|Cinderella]]'' (1950)

* Once upon a time, there was a big castle... and in this castle lived a prince and a princess...
** Who: Cinderella
** Source: ''[[Cinderella II: Dreams Come True]]'' (2002)

* And they lived happily ever after... again.
** Who: Cinderella
** Source: ''[[Cinderella III: A Twist in Time]]'' (2007)

=== ''[[w:The Croods (franchise)|The Croods]]'' film series ===

* Duh-duh-duh!
** Who: Belt and Sandy Crood
** Source: ''[[The Croods]]'' (2013)

* Dad was right after all, we were stronger together.
** Who: Eep Crood
** Source: ''[[The Croods: A New Age]]'' (2020)

=== ''[[w:DC Universe Animated Original Movies|DC Universe Animated Original Movies]]'' ===

* In other news, Gotham's mysterious defender...the Batman, was seen last night helping police apprehend the leaders...of an underworld, gun-running operation...
** Who: Summer Gleason
** Source: ''[[Batman and Mr. Freeze: Subzero]]'' (1998)
* Hi, old man.
** Who: Tim Drake
** Source: ''[[Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker]]'' (2000)
* Well, maybe an explosion now and then.
** Who: Kathy Duquesne
** Source: ''[[Batman: Mystery of the Batwoman]]'' (2003)
* If history has determined that gods can die... ...it has also proven that they may return from the dead. It would seem you can't be destroyed after all, Superman. It would seem.
** Who: Lex Luthor
** Source: ''[[Superman: Doomsday]]'' (2007)
* The pioneers gave up their safety, their comfort, and sometimes their lives to build our new west. They were determined to make the new world strong and free - an example to the world. Some would say that those struggles are all over. That all the horizons have been explored. That all the battles have been won. That there is no longer an American frontier. And we stand today on the edge of a new frontier. The frontier of unknown opportunities and perils. Beyond that frontier are uncharted areas of science. Unsolved problems of peace and war. Unconquered pockets of ignorance and prejudice. I'm asking each of you to be pioneers towards that New Frontier. My call is to the young in heart, regardless of age. Can we carry through in an age where we will witness not only new breakthroughs in weapons of destruction, but also a race for mastery of the sky and the rain, the ocean and the tides, the far side of space, and the inside of men's minds? All mankind waits upon out decision. A whole world waits to see what we shall do. And we cannot fail that trust, and we cannot fail to try.
** Who: John F. Kennedy
** Source: ''[[Justice League: The New Frontier]]'' (2008)

* Sir?
** Who: Alfred Pennyworth
** Source: ''[[Batman: Gotham Knight]]'' (2008)

* Look! It's Wonder Woman!
** Who: Little girl
** Source: ''[[Wonder Woman (2009 film)|Wonder Woman]]'' (2009)

* I've gotta go punch a clock with my other boss. I can see where this is gonna be a long commute.
** Who: Hal Jordan
** Source: ''[[Green Lantern: First Flight]]'' (2009)

* &quot;Late&quot;? Come on, it's... ...early.
** Who: Superman
** Source: ''[[Superman/Batman: Public Enemies]]'' (2009)

* I'm glad you agree. I've been thinking about a membership drive.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths]]'' (2010)

* It feels awesome! Check me out! I'm Robin, the Boy wonder! Are you kidding me? This rocks. Come on, old man, we've got bad guys who need chasing. This is the best day of my life.
** Who: Young Jason Todd/Robin
** Source: ''[[Batman: Under the Red Hood]]'' (2010)

* Hey.
** Who: Superman
** Source: ''[[Superman/Batman: Apocalypse]]'' (2010)

* He's not dead. He's up there fixing the sun. And when he's done, he'll be back.
** Who: Lois Lane
** Source: ''[[All-Star Superman (film)|All-Star Superman]]'' (2011)

* We got a new home to build. Come on. I'll tell you about the time I took on an army of Manhunters and my only backup was this squirrel.
** Who: Hal Jordan
** Source: ''[[Green Lantern: Emerald Knights]]'' (2011)

* Barbara's not crazy about the marriage counselor, but we're making progress. As for me, well, there's a real panic on. Somebody has threatened to poison the Gotham reservoir. He calls himself the Joker. I've got a friend coming who might be able to help. He should be here any minute.
** Who: Lieutenant James Gordon
** Source: ''[[Batman: Year One (film)|Batman: Year One]]'' (2011)

* I do have a plan! It's called the Justice League.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[Justice League: Doom]]'' (2012)

* Can we go so I can kiss you now?
** Who: Lois Lane
** Source: ''[[Superman vs. The Elite]]'' (2012)

* Ba-Batman... Darling!
** Who: Joker
** Source: [[Batman: The Dark Knight Returns (film)|''Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, Part One'']] (2012)

* I spent 10 years looking for a good death. This... This'll be a good life. Good enough.
** Who: Bruce Wayne
** Source: [[Batman: The Dark Knight Returns (film)|''Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, Part Two'']] (2013)

* Marry me.
** Who: Clark Kent
** Source: ''[[Superman: Unbound]]'' (2013)

* You're one helluva messenger. Thank you.
** Who: Bruce Wayne
** Source: ''[[Justice League: The Flashpoint Paradox]]'' (2013)

* The surface dwellers have killed our king. This is an act of war and they will pay.
** Who: Prince Orm
** Source: ''[[Justice League: War]]'' (2014)

* No.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[Son of Batman]]'' (2014)

* Bang.
** Who: Deadshot
** Source: ''[[Batman: Assault on Arkham]]'' (2014)

* I am Lex Luthor. I have a proposition for you.
** Who: Lex Luthor
** Source: ''[[Justice League: Throne of Atlantis]]'' (2015)

* Sometimes, Alfred... ...you have to have a little faith.
** Who: Bruce Wayne
** Source: ''[[Batman vs. Robin]]'' (2015)

* Time to look ahead, Kirk. You know what they say. The past is like another planet.
** Who: Superman
** Source: ''[[Justice League: Gods and Monsters]]'' (2015)

* Master Bruce is having a heart-to-heart with Damian. One can't help feeling bad. Despite her madness, she was his mother.
** Who: Alfred Pennyworth
** Source: ''[[Batman: Bad Blood]]'' (2016)

* Raven, release me. You're too weak to keep me in here, you filthy witch! I'll get out! I'll kill everyone you love. RAVEN!!!
** Who: Trigon
** Source: ''[[Justice League vs. Teen Titans]]'' (2016)

* Yeah, Dad, I just got back from the lacrosse game. Going to practice some Wallball this weekend. Getting pretty good. Maybe another night, Dad, I got plans tonight. I can't help it if your daughter's so popular. I'll talk to you, later. Right then, back to work.
** Who: Barbara Gordon / Oracle
** Source: ''[[Batman: The Killing Joke (film)|Batman: The Killing Joke]]'' (2016)

* Now, that's what I call making yourself useful, love.
** Who: John Constantine
** Source: ''[[Justice League Dark (film)|Justice League Dark]]'' (2017)

* I talk to the dead. For no matter how rotted the corpse, there's always a tiny wisp of life left.
** Who: Brother Blood
** Source: ''[[Teen Titans: The Judas Contract]]'' (2017)

* Aw... Ain't that a shame? Wendel is headed back to his crummy house and all those cats without getting the help he so desperately needs. Oh, well, that's it for today's show. Till next time, folks. Be good to yourselves. 'Cause everyone else in the world is probably out to get you. Bye-bye!
** Who: Dr. Harleen Quinzel
** Source: ''[[Batman and Harley Quinn]]'' (2017)

* It was all phony anyway. We'll make something new. Something better.
** Who: Dickie
** Source: ''[[Batman: Gotham by Gaslight]]'' (2018)

* I'll be seeing you, Waller. Maybe in heaven.
** Who: Deadshot
** Source: ''[[Suicide Squad: Hell to Pay]]'' (2018)

* Superman?
** Who: Jimmy Olsen
** Source: ''[[The Death of Superman (film)|The Death of Superman]]'' (2018)

* Okay, who left the front door open?
** Who: Green Lantern
** Source: ''[[Reign of the Supermen (film)|Reign of the Supermen]]'' (2019)

* Jessica Cruz. It's an honor.
** Who: Brainiac 5
** Source: ''[[w:Justice League vs. the Fatal Five|Justice League vs. the Fatal Five]]'' (2019)

* Someday.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[w:Batman: Hush (film)|Batman: Hush]]'' (2019)

* You think I'm intimidated? I've won. I'm coming for you, Wonder Woman. Do you hear me, Wonder Woman? I am coming for you!
** Who: Veronica Cale
** Source: ''[[w:Wonder Woman: Bloodlines|Wonder Woman: Bloodlines]]'' (2019)

* I kind of like that last option.
** Who: Lois Lane
** Source: ''[[w:Superman: Red Son (film)|Superman: Red Son]]'' (2020)

* And some of those changes may be shite. And we may make the same mistakes again. It won't be perfect... but it'll be a long sight better than what we got now.
** Who: John Constantine
** Source: ''[[w:Justice League Dark: Apokolips War|Justice League Dark: Apokolips War]]'' (2020)

=== ''[[w:Despicable Me (franchise)|Despicable Me]]'' film series ===

* No, I'm fine. Go ahead. No, no, no!
** Who: Gru
* (post-credits:) I am Gru. Back to work! Back to work! Back to...
** Who: Kevin
** Source: ''[[Despicable Me]]'' (2010)

* I'M SO HAPPY!!!
** Who: Agnes Gru
** Source: ''[[Despicable Me 2]]'' (2013)

* Come on, He's my brother. We'll give him a 5 minute head start.
** Who: Felonious Gru
** Source: ''[[Despicable Me 3]]'' (2017)

* FREEZE RAY!!!
** Who: Felonious Gru
** Source: ''[[Minions (film)|Minions]]'' (2015)

=== ''[[w:Fantasia (franchise)|Fantasia]]'' film series ===

* The last number in our ''Fantasia'' program is a combination of two pieces of music so utterly different in construction and mood that they set each other off perfectly. The first is ''A Night On Bald Mountain'', by one of Russia's greatest composers, Modest Mussorgsky. The second is Franz Schubert's world-famous ''Ave Maria''. Musically and dramatically, we have here a picture of the struggle between the profane and the sacred. Bald Mountain, according to tradition, is the gathering place of Satan and his followers. Here on ''Walpurgisnacht'', which is the equivalent of our own Halloween, the creatures of evil gather to worship their master. Under his spell, they dance furiously until the coming of dawn and the sounds of church bells send the infernal army slinking back into their abodes of darkness. And then we hear the Ave Maria, with its message of the triumph of hope and life over the powers of despair and death.
** Who: [[w:Deems Taylor|Deems Taylor]]
** Source: ''[[Fantasia (1940 film)|Fantasia]]'' (1940)

* Camera back on me. Uh, camera back on me, please. Anyone? Hello? Hello? Could someone give me a ride home?
** Who: [[Steve Martin]]
** Source: ''[[Fantasia 2000]]'' (2000)

=== ''[[w:Finding Nemo (franchise)|Finding Nemo]]'' film series ===

* Bye, son.
** Who: Marlin
* (pre-credits:) Now what?
** Who: Bloat
** Source: ''[[Finding Nemo]]'' (2003)

* Yep. Unforgettable.
** Who: Dory
* (post-credits:) Now what?
** Who: Bloat
** Source: ''[[Finding Dory]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:Frozen (franchise)|Frozen]]'' film series ===

* That's it. Glide and pivot. Glide and pivot.
** Who: Olaf
** Source: ''[[Frozen (2013 film)|Frozen]]'' (2013)

* Ready?
** Who: Elsa
* (post-credits:) Oh. We live! WE LIVE!!! Good story.
** Who: Marshmallow 
** Source: ''[[Frozen II]]'' (2019)

=== ''[[w:Happy Feet (franchise)|Happy Feet]]'' film series ===

* Gracias.
** Who: Ramón
** Source: ''[[Happy Feet]]'' (2006)

* Ja, The Svened.
** Who: The Mighty Sven
** Source: ''[[Happy Feet Two]]'' (2011)

=== ''[[w:Hotel Transylvania (franchise)|Hotel Transylvania]]'' film series ===

* Alright, maybe just a little.
** Who: Dracula
* (in-credits) I didn't do that.
** Who: Elderly Gremlin
** Source: ''[[Hotel Transylvania|Hotel Transylvania]]'' (2012)

* I didn't do that.
** Who: Elderly Gremlin
** Source: ''[[Hotel Transylvania 2]]'' (2015)

* Yes!
** Who: Ericka van Helsing
** Source: ''[[Hotel Transylvania 3: Summer Vacation]]'' (2018)

=== ''[[w:Hoodwinked!|Hoodwinked!]]'' film series ===

* I always did like happy endings.
** Who: Red Puckett
** Source: ''[[Hoodwinked!]]'' (2005)

* Hey, girls. Let's call it a night.
** Who: Twitchy
** Source: ''[[Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil]]'' (2011)

=== ''[[w:How to Train Your Dragon|How to Train Your Dragon]]'' film series ===

* This is Berk. It snows nine months of the year and hails the other three. Any food that grows here is tough and tasteless. The people that grow here are even more so. The only upsides are the pets. While other places have ponies or parrots... we have... dragons!
** Who: Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III
** Source: ''[[How to Train Your Dragon (film)|How to Train Your Dragon]]'' (2010)

* This... is Berk. A bit trampled and busted and covered in ice, but it's home. It's our home. Those who attacked us are relentless and crazy. But those who stopped them? Oh, even more so! We may be small in numbers, but we stand for something bigger than anything the world can pit against us. We are the voice of peace. And bit by bit, we will change this world. You see, we have something they don't. Oh sure, they have armies and they have armadas... But we... we have... OUR DRAGONS!
** Who: Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III
** Source: ''[[How to Train Your Dragon 2]]'' (2014)

* Legend says that when the ground quakes or lava spews from the earth, it's the dragons letting us know they're still here. Waiting for us to figure out how to get along. Yes, the world believes the dragons are gone, if they ever existed at all. But we Berkians, we know otherwise. And we'll guard this secret until the time comes when dragons can return in peace.
** Who: Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III
** Source: ''[[How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World]]'' (2019)

=== ''[[w:Ice Age (franchise)|Ice Age]]'' film series ===

* No, really...
** Who: [[w:List_of_Ice_Age_characters#Sid|Sid]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age (2002 film)|Ice Age]]'' (2002)

* Calm down! I saved you, little buddy! Remember!?
** Who: [[w:List_of_Ice_Age_characters#Sid|Sid]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: The Meltdown]]'' (2006)

* That's right, sweetheart. Welcome to the Ice Age.
** Who: [[w:List_of_Ice_Age_characters#Ellie|Ellie]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs]]'' (2009)

* No! Stop! Brother, rise above this base desire. Be more than a rodent.
** Who: Ariscratle
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: Continental Drift]]'' (2012)

* Mars: the red planet. Cold... dry... inhospitable to life. But billions and billions of years ago, Mars looked like this. There were lakes, rivers, oceans... the perfect conditions for life to form. So, what happened? Why was life unable to take hold? Where did the water go? We may never know.
** Who: [[w:List_of_Ice_Age_characters#Neil deBuck Weasel|Neil deBuck Weasel]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: Collision Course]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:The Incredibles (franchise)|The Incredibles]]'' film series ===

* Behold, the Underminer! I am always beneath you, but nothing is beneath me! I hereby declare war on peace and happiness! Soon, all will tremble before me!
** Who: The Underminer
** Source: ''[[The Incredibles]]'' (2004)

* Stop! Let us out! Here, large popcorn, small soda. Save me a seat. Center, about eight rows back. I'll be back before the previews are over!
** Who: [[w:Violet Parr|Violet Parr]]
** Source: ''[[Incredibles 2]]'' (2018)

=== ''[[Kim Possible]]'' film series ===

* No idea why I said that!
** Who: Ron Stoppable
** Source: ''[[Kim Possible: A Sitch in Time]]'' (2003)

* It finally happened! She's dating that loser! Kim Possible and Ron Stoppable are dating!? ''(Laughs loudly)''
** Who: Bonnie Rockwaller
** Source: ''[[Kim Possible Movie: So the Drama]]'' (2005)

=== ''[[w:Kung Fu Panda (franchise)|Kung Fu Panda]]'' film series ===

* Yeah.
** Who: [[w:List_of_Kung_Fu_Panda_characters#Master Shifu|Master Shifu]]
** Source: ''[[Kung Fu Panda]]'' (2008)

* My son is alive...
** Who: [[w:List_of_Kung_Fu_Panda_characters#Li Shan|Li Shan]]
** Source: ''[[Kung Fu Panda 2]]'' (2011)

* Panda Asthma.
** Who: [[w:List_of_Kung_Fu_Panda_characters#Li Shan|Li Shan]]
** Source: ''[[Kung Fu Panda 3]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:Lady and the Tramp|Lady and the Tramp]]'' film series ===

* Huh? I haven't? Well, uh, as Old Reliable used to say... He'd say, uh, uh... He'd say, uh, uh... Doggone. You know, I clean forgot what it was he used to say!
** Who: Trusty
** Source: ''[[Lady and the Tramp]]'' (1955)

* Angel!
** Who: Junior
** Source: ''[[Lady and the Tramp II: Scamp's Adventure]]'' (2001)

=== ''[[w:The Land Before Time (franchise)|The Land Before Time]]'' film series ===

* And they all grew up together in the valley, generation upon generation, each passing on to the next. The tale of their ancestors' journey to the valley, long ago.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time]]'' (1988)

* But I still can't wait to grow up.
** Who: Littlefoot
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time II: The Great Valley Adventure]]'' (1994)

* And so, as it turned out, the dinosaurs traveled from green spot to green spot, eating their fill, each helping the others to find what they needed, each learning the special kind of joy, which comes from giving to others. And in the years to come, this story of sharing was told over and over again, until it became known as: &quot;The Time of the Great Giving.&quot;
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time III: The Time of the Great Giving]]'' (1995)

* And so, it came to pass that the migrating dinosaurs left the Great Valley for lands unknown. And yes, Littlefoot and his friends, Cera, Ducky, Petrie and Spike, would indeed meet Ali again one day. But that's another story.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time IV: Journey Through the Mists]]'' (1996)

* It's great to be home.
** Who: Cera
** ''[[The Land Before Time V: The Mysterious Island]]'' (1997)

* And so, another myth was born. It would change with each retelling. And even now, who knows how this one will end.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time VI: The Secret of Saurus Rock]]'' (1998)

* Oh, no! Oh, no! But we are plenty smart, right, Spike?
* Uh-huh.
** Who 1: Ducky
** Who 2: Spike
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time VII: The Stone of Cold Fire]]'' (1999)

* The families would be happy here until the Great Circle began to warm the land once more, melting the white ground sparkles and allowing new life to spring up, turning the earth green again. Then they could return to the Great Valley, where they could all get a good night's sleep, even Ducky.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time VIII: The Big Freeze]]'' (2001)

* This adventure was at an end. Still, Littlefoot, Cera, Ducky, Petrie and Spike knew in their hearts that there would be many more adventures yet to come.
** Who: Narrator
** Source:''[[The Land Before Time IX: Journey to Big Water]]'' (2002)

* I just have one question. Do we HAVE to go back through the swamp?
** Who: Ducky
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time X: The Great Longneck Migration]]'' (2003)

* And every nibbling day, the dinosaurs of the Great Valley gathered to celebrate these small things of life which mattered so much.
* Got you!
** Who 1: Narrator
** Who 2: Petrie
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time XI: Invasion of the Tinysauruses]]'' (2005)

* Many changes had occurred on this day of changes. And many more would follow. The dinosaur families understood this. They knew that change was a part of life in the Great Valley.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time XII: The Great Day of the Flyers]]'' (2006)

* In their journey to Berry Valley, the young dinosaurs had discovered that wisdom came in many different forms. And they knew that more lessons lay before them as they grew in the land before time.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time XIII: The Wisdom of Friends]]'' (2007)

* Littlefoot had found his father. And he found something else, too... Something he wasn't looking for. The realization that he and his friends would always be together... till the end of their days... in the Land Before Time.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time XIV: Journey of the Brave]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:The Lego Movie (franchise)|The Lego Movie]]'' film series ===

* Oh, man.
** Who: Emmet Brickowski
** Source: ''[[The Lego Movie]]'' (2014)

* Wow, that was fun! Really hope nobody was recording that. Let me see. Oh, this thing is on. This thing is recording.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[The Lego Batman Movie]]'' (2017)

* B mark.
** Who: Director
** Source: ''[[The Lego Ninjago Movie]]'' (2017)

* An original album of ''Everything is Awesome''?! Wait a minute. Is that...? 
** Who: Emmet Brickowski
** Source: ''[[The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part]]'' (2019)

=== ''[[w:Lilo &amp; Stitch (franchise) (franchise)|Lilo &amp; Stitch]]'' film series ===

* Wait.
** Who: Stitch
** Source: ''[[Lilo &amp; Stitch]]'' (2002)

* And with 626, they make one hotshot evil genius experiment-catching team!
** Who: Jumba Jookiba
* (post-credits:) I'll get the wig.
** Who: Wendy Pleakley
** Source: ''[[Stitch! The Movie]]'' (2003)

* Mom would be so proud of you.
** Who: Nani Pelekai
** Source: ''[[Lilo &amp; Stitch 2: Stitch Has a Glitch]]'' (2005)

* Aloha!
** Who: The Pelekai ''ʻohana'': Lilo Pelekai, Stitch, Nani Pelekai, David Kawena, Jumba Jookiba, Wendy Pleakley, Mertle Edmonds, and many of Jumba's genetic experiments (Stitch's &quot;cousins&quot;)
** Source: ''[[Leroy &amp; Stitch]]'' (2006)

=== ''[[w:The Lion King (franchise)|The Lion King]]'' film series ===

* Remember...
** Who: Mufasa's Ghost
** Source: ''[[The Lion King]]'' (1994)

* Well done, my son. We are one.
** Who: Mufasa's Ghost
** Source: ''[[The Lion King II: Simba's Pride]]'' (1998)

* Uh, Timon? I still don't do so well in crowds.
** Who: Pumbaa
** Source: ''[[The Lion King 1½]]'' (2004)

=== ''[[w:The Little Mermaid (franchise)|The Little Mermaid]]'' film series ===

* I love you, daddy.
** Who: Ariel
** Source: ''[[The Little Mermaid (1989 film)|The Little Mermaid]]'' (1989)

* Hi.
** Who: Melody
** Source: ''[[The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea]]'' (2000)

* That's my girl. Samba? Ooh-wa, ooh-wa! 
** Who: Benjamin
** Source: ''[[The Little Mermaid: Ariel's Beginning]]'' (2008)

=== ''[[w:Madagascar (franchise)|Madagascar]]'' film series ===

* Nah. Just smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave.
** Who: Skipper
** Source: ''[[Madagascar (2005 film)|Madagascar]]'' (2005)

* Shake 'em. Shake 'em. Shake 'em. Shake 'em...
** Who: King Julian XII
** Source: ''[[Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa]]'' (2008)

* Hey, Skipper, what did you end up doing with the crazy lady, anyway?
** Who: Alex
** Source: ''[[Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted]]'' (2012)

* You know, if I'm being honest, I expected a little more... pizzazz! Yes! Now, that's pizzazz!
** Who: King Julian XII
** Source: ''[[Penguins of Madagascar]]'' (2014)

=== ''[[w:Monsters, Inc. (franchise)|Monsters, Inc.]]'' film series ===

* Kitty!
** Who: Boo
** Source: ''[[Monsters, Inc.]]'' (2001)

* You better believe it.
** Who: Mike Wazowski
* (post-credits:) Great.
** Who: Student Slug Monster
** Source: ''[[Monsters University]]'' (2013)

=== ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls'' film series ===

* Just a hunch.
** Who: Pinkie Pie
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Equestria Girls]]'' (2013)

* One! Two! Three! Four!
** Who: Human Pinkie Pie
* (post-credits:) No doubt about it, Spike, there's definitely something strange going on at that school.
** Who: Human Twilight Sparkle (Sci-Twi)
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Rainbow Rocks]]'' (2014)

* Make that the ''second'' strangest.
** Who: Princess Twilight Sparkle
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Friendship Games]]'' (2015)

* Where did the magic that hit this cave come from?
** Who: Sunset Shimmer
* (post-credits:) Let's celebrate!
** Who: Human Pinkie Pie
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Legend of Everfree]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:The Nut Job|The Nut Job]]'' film series ===

* Any more big ideas? Please stay.
** Who: Norvirus Raccoon
** Source: ''[[The Nut Job]]'' (2014)
** Note: A mid-credits scene reveals that Raccoon and Cardinal survived and were drifted out to sea, but sharks now surround them, leaving their fate ambiguous.

* Ride, Precious! Ride! Hiyah!
** Who: Surly
** Source: ''[[The Nut Job 2: Nutty by Nature]]'' (2017)

=== ''[[w:Open Season (franchise)|Open Season]]'' film series ===

* Wait, wait. No. No. No!
** Who: Shaw
** Source: ''[[Open Season]]'' (2006)

* Come on!
** Who: Elliot
** Source: ''[[Open Season 2]]'' (2009)

* Boop!
** Who: Allistar
** Source: ''[[Open Season 3]]'' (2011)

* No.
** Who: Boog
** Source: ''[[Open Season: Scared Silly]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:The Rescuers|The Rescuers]]'' film series ===

* I sure wish we'd have taken the train.
** Who: Bernard
** Source: ''[[The Rescuers]]'' (1977)

* Help! Anybody! Bernard! Bianca! Where are you? Okay, that's it, I'm out of here. This is ridiculous. You can't leave me here alone. I'm gone! I am gone. Oh. Aw, no, stay in those eggs! That's a direct order! Oh. Hey, you're kind of a cute little feller. Coochy, coochy... Yeowww! Whoa! Ohhh!
** Who: Wilbur
** Source: ''[[The Rescuers Down Under]]'' (1990)

=== ''[[w:Rio (franchise)|Rio]]'' film series ===

* That's my big brave boy.
** Who: Linda Gunderson
* (in-credits:) I love you, Rio!
** Who: Luiz
** Source: ''[[Rio (film)|Rio]]'' (2011)

* That's the end?
** Who: Pedro
** Source: ''[[Rio 2]]'' (2014)

=== ''Rugrats'' film series ===

* Way to go, Dilly!
** Who: Tommy Pickles, Chuckie Finster, Phil and Lil Deville
** Source: ''[[The Rugrats Movie]]'' (1998)

* Well, Tommy. I guess this is the way things are gonna be from now on.
** Who: Chuckie Finster
** Source: ''[[Rugrats in Paris: The Movie]]'' (2000)

* Well, Eliza, as dog is my witness, I'll never lose my babies again!
** Who: Spike the Dog
** Source: ''[[Rugrats Go Wild]]'' (2003)

=== ''[[w:Shrek (franchise)|Shrek]]'' film series ===

* Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe.
** Who: [[w:Donkey (Shrek)|Donkey]]
** Source: ''[[Shrek]]'' (2001)

* Hey Donkey, that's Spanish!
** Who: [[w:Puss in Boots (Shrek)|Puss in Boots]]
* (mid-credits:) Look at our little mutant babies! I gotta get a job!
** Who: [[w:Donkey (Shrek)|Donkey]]
** Source: ''[[Shrek 2]]'' (2004)

* I got it.
** Who: [[w:Shrek (character)|Shrek]]
** Source: ''[[Shrek the Third]]'' (2007)

* No, it was ''you'' that rescued ''me.''
** Who: [[w:Shrek (character)|Shrek]]
** Source: ''[[Shrek Forever After]]'' (2010)

* This is the story of a cat who became a hero. An outlaw dedicated to justice and a lover of beautiful woman. A great, great lover. Really, it is crazy. I am Puss in Boots! And my name would become legend.
** Who: [[w:Puss in Boots (Shrek)|Puss in Boots]]
* (in-credits:) Oh!
** Who: Oh Cat
** Source: ''[[Puss in Boots (2011 film)|Puss in Boots]]'' (2011)

=== ''[[w:SpongeBob SquarePants (film series)|SpongeBob SquarePants]]'' film series ===

* Are you crazy? I was just gonna tell you that your fly is down. Manager! This is the greatest day of my life!!!
** Who: SpongeBob SquarePants
* (post credits:) Okay.
** Who: Captain Bart the Pirate
** Source: ''[[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie]]'' (2004)

* See you later, te-ammate!
** Who: [[w:SpongeBob SquarePants (character)|SpongeBob SquarePants]]
* That was pretty good actually.
** Who: Bubbles
* (in-credits:) You know what this needs? A little interpretive dance!
** Who: [[w:Squidward Tentacles|Squidward Tentacles]]
** Source: ''[[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water]]'' (2015)

* Order up!
** Who: [[w:SpongeBob SquarePants (character)|SpongeBob SquarePants]]
** Source: ''[[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge on the Run]]'' (2020)

=== ''[[w:Surf's Up (film)|Surf's Up]]'' film series ===

* Cody would never do this.
** Who: Edna Maverick
** Source: ''[[Surf's Up]]'' (2007)

* Okay, That's a wrap on this episode of &quot;Are they still cool? Surf Edition&quot;. Aaaand cut.
** Who: Announcer
** Source: ''[[Surf's Up 2: WaveMania]]'' (2017)

=== ''[[w:Toy Story (franchise)|Toy Story]]'' film series ===

* Oh, what is it? What is it? Wow! A puppy!
** Who: Andy Davis
** Source: ''[[Toy Story]]'' (1995)

* Besides, when it all ends, I'll have old Buzz Lightyear to keep me company - for infinity and beyond.
** Who: Woody
* Yeah!
** Who: Wheezy
* (outtakes:) A little break, okay. Phew.
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''[[Toy Story 2]]'' (1999)

* So long, partner. Oh hey, Buzz! You haven't met Bonnie's toys yet! 
** Who: Woody
* (in-credits:) Just go with it, Buzz.
** Who: Jessie
** Source: ''[[Toy Story 3]]'' (2010)

* He's not lost. Not anymore. To infinity...
* ...and beyond.
** Who 1: Buzz Lightyear
** Who 2: Woody
* (mid-credits 1:) Oh yeah. Leave it to us, Jermiah.
** Who: Ducky
* (mid-credits 2:) Yeah. We know exactly what to do.
** Who: Bunny
* (mid-credits 3:) Whoa.
** Who: Duke Caboom
* (mid-credits 4:) I don't know.
** Who: Forky
* (post-credits:) Caboom! Yes.
** Who: Duke Caboom
** Source: ''[[Toy Story 4]]'' (2019)

* To infinity...
* ...and beyond.
** Who 1: Izzy Hawthorne
** Who 2: Buzz Lightyear
* (mid-credits:) [laughs] Laser Shield.
**Who: Commander Burnside
*(post-credits:) Ask the bromite swamps, a breathtaking sight or so I am told, but if you're in a hurry, this would be your most direct route. Any questions? Hello? Oh...
**Who: E.R.I.C.
** Source: ''[[Lightyear (film)|Lightyear]]'' (2022)

=== ''[[Winnie the Pooh]]'' film series ===

* Wherever they go, and whatever happens to them on the way, in their enchanted place on top of the forest, a little bear will always be waiting.
** Who: The narrator
** Source: ''[[The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh]]'' (1977)

* Yes, Piglet. It's the least we could do... for a very small Piglet who's done such very big things. Thank you, Piglet.
** Who: Pooh
** Source: ''[[Piglet's Big Movie]]'' (2003)

* And so it is here we shall leave them. And here we shall find them again. For the boy and the bear will always be together in this remarkable place called the Hundred Acre Wood.
** Who: The narrator
** Source: ''[[Pooh's Grand Adventure: The Search for Christopher Robin]]'' (1997)

* You know, we never really did capture a Heffalump that day. It was more like... like Lumpy captured all of us.
** Who: Pooh
** Source: ''[[Pooh's Heffalump Movie]]'' (2005)

* You were right! I love Hallowoon! Hallow-woo... Hallow... Oh, whatever. As long as we're together!
** Who: Lumpy
** Source: ''[[Pooh's Heffalump Halloween Movie]]'' (2006)

* Look this way, everybody. Closer. Smile!
** Who: Christopher Robin
** Source: ''[[The Tigger Movie]]'' (2000)

* Silly old bear.
** Who: Christopher Robin
* (post-credits:) Wow! It's amazing what you can find in the woods. A marble! And a boot! And oh, my, that's a scary-lookin' fella. Gosh! Maybe these are his things. You know, I better pick 'em up so they won't get broken. That's the last thing I would want. Whoa!  Oh, my gosh! Is this a pit? I think I'm in a pit! Hello? Anybody up there? Oh, well. I sure hope that fella will be back soon.
** Who: The Backson
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh (film)|Winnie the Pooh]]'' (2011)
** Note: He comes out of the scary woods and proves to be real but instead of being a monstrous beast, he is actually very kind and the bait Pooh and the other left for him he decided to pick them up to return to them but falls into the pit as planned. He decides to wait for someone to help him out and hopes he'll be back soon.

* And so another Christmas came and went in the Hundred Acre Wood. It had been a joyous season of giving for all our friends, but especially for a little bear named Winnie the Pooh.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh: Seasons of Giving]]'' (1999)

* Not bad! But it could've used a few more jingly bells.
** Who: Tigger
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh: A Very Merry Pooh Year]]'' (2002)

* BBFN: Bye-Bye For Now!
** Who: Roo
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh: Springtime With Roo]]'' (2004)

=== ''[[Winx Club]]'' film series ===

* And thus, the fairy that was searching for her origins learned to believe in herself, and to trust the people she loved. She stayed true to herself, and to what she believed in, and won her greatest battle, saving her kingdom, freeing her people, and reuniting her family, and finally becoming a true guardian fairy. And now written in the Book of Fate, there's a new Company of Light... the Winx!
** Who: Bartelby (Dubbing Brothers)
* And so, the most strong-willed of all fairies overcame the greatest challenge. She learned to believe in herself and trust the people she loved. She stayed true to what was in her heart and in doing so she saved a kingdom, freed her people, and reunited her long-lost family. And finally, she became a true Guardian Fairy. And now written in the Book of Fate, there's a new Company of Light, called... the Winx!
** Who: Bartelby (Atlas Oceanic)
* (pre-credits:) And soon we'll loop their stupid little fairy wings right off their bodies!
** Who: Icy (Dubbing Brothers)
* (pre-credits:) And soon we reap their weak little fairy wings right of their bodies!
** Who: Icy (Atlas Oceanic)
** Source: ''[[Winx Club: The Secret of the Lost Kingdom]]'' (2007)

* Daddy...
** Who: Bloom
* (post-credits:) Ta-da!!!
** Who: Stella
** Source: ''[[Winx Club 3D: Magical Adventure]]'' (2010)

* Kiko... Thank you! I'm really dying for an ice cream!
** Who: Sky
** Source: ''[[Winx Club: The Mystery of the Abyss]]'' (2014)

=== ''[[w:Wreck-It Ralph (franchise)|Wreck-It Ralph]]'' film series ===

* But I gotta say, the best part of my day is when I get thrown off the roof. Because when the Nicelanders lift me up, I get a perfect view of Sugar Rush, and I can see Vanellope racing. The kid's a natural, the players love her, glitch and all, just like I knew they would. Turns out I don't need a medal to tell me I'm a good guy. Because if that little kid likes me... how bad can I be?
** Who: [[w:Wreck-it Ralph (character)|Wreck-it Ralph]]
** Source: ''[[Wreck-It Ralph]]'' (2012)

* Come on Felix, let's get to work, buddy.
* (mid-credits:) No, the kitty gets the milkshake. The bunny gets the pancake.
* (post-credits:) Oh no, why would I?! I like you! You guys still sticking around? Alright well, you're welcome to stay, there's not really anymore surprises but you know. Good luck getting that song out of your head it's a real ear wig. Anyway what else uh...
** Who: [[w:Wreck-it Ralph (character)|Wreck-it Ralph]]
** Source: ''[[Ralph Breaks the Internet]]'' (2018)

== Streaming service films ==

=== Disney+ films ===

* Hey! Movie's over! Go home!
** Who: Terry
** Source: ''[[Soul (2020 film)|Soul]]'' (2020)

=== Netflix films ===

* Well, rickety biscuit.
** Who: Edmée
** Source: ''[[Arlo the Alligator Boy]]'' (2021)

* Yay! I missed you so much!
** Who: GIR
** Source: ''[[Invader Zim: Enter the Florpus]]'' (2019)

* No!
** Who: Bobby Santiago
* (in-credits:) Just the right amount of cinnamon.
** Who: Lincoln Loud
** Source: ''[[The Loud House Movie]]'' (2021)

* Whew! Hey, guys. What did I miss? ''Aaaaaahhhhh''--
** Who: Balloon Pony
* (post-credits:) Me first!
** Who: Kid Earth Pony 1
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: A New Generation]]'' (2021)

* Woo-hoo...OOF!
** Who: Hilda
** Source: ''[[Hilda and The Mountain King]]'' (2021)

* Two thousand one boogers on the wall, two thousand and one boogers... Pick one out and flick it off, two thousand and two boogers on the wall. Two thousand and two boogers on the wall, two thousand and two boogers...
** Who: Mr. Dupette
** Source: ''[[Rocko's Modern Life: Static Cling]]'' (2019)

=== Paramount+ films ===

* We just had another call asking to speak with Victor Chouce. You're quite a popular man, Victor. I wonder what all the fuss is about. Don't feel like talking, huh? You will.
** Who: Warden
** Source: ''[[South Park: Post Covid]]'' (2021)

* Remember folks, weed can't solve all your problems but tegridy can. Tegridy Weeeed.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[South Park: Post Covid: The Return of Covid]]'' (2021)

* Yeah, well, you see, ManBearPig, eventually, he gonna kill everybody. He just gonna kill you first.
** Who: Pi-Pi
** Source: ''[[South Park: The Streaming Wars]]'' (2022)

* Yeah, but that all sounds really hard. We have enough water for the summer now. Fuck it. Let's smoke some weed!
** Who: Randy Marsh
** Source: ''[[South Park: The Streaming Wars Part 2]]'' (2022)

== Animated TV specials ==

* D.W., turn that thing off!
** Who: Arthur Read
** Source: ''Arthur's Perfect Christmas'' (2000)
* Well, you kids will never believe this, but I could almost swear I saw a cat – a Cat in the Hat, mind you – going down the street with a moss-covered three-handled family gradunza!
** Who: Mother
** Source: ''[[The Cat in the Hat (TV special)|The Cat in the Hat]]'' (1971)
* C'mon, sis. Let's go talk to Mom and Dad.
** Who: Michael
** Source: ''[[Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue]]'' (1990)

* There is a story, some kids tell about when the world was ruled by an evil adult. A story about a boy, his dad, a book, and a tree. It's the true story about how I found the book of KND and what I wrote in it. Five words only. WE. ARE. KIDS. NEXT. DOOR.
** Who: Nigel Uno (Numbuh One)
** Source: ''[[Codename: Kids Next Door - Operation Z.E.R.O.]]'' (2006)

* It's taken me so many years, so many lifetimes, but at last I know where I'm going. Where I've always been going. Home, the long way round.
** Who: The [[Eleventh Doctor]]
** Source: ''[[Eleventh Doctor|Doctor Who: The Day of the Doctor]]'' (2013)

* Mr. Phillip has wished, and so I shall use my power. With a wave of my hands, I shall say, &quot;au revoir, Eiffel Tower!&quot;
** Who: Adil
** Source: ''[[Genie in the House|Genie in the House: Legend of the Dragon]]'' (2010)

* Oh, I love it, Philip, I love it too bits!
** Who: Max Baxter
** Source: ''[[Genie in the House|Genie in the House: Return to Balamkadaar]]'' (2008)

* We'll be waiting right here.
** Who: Stella Shortman
** Source: ''[[Hey Arnold!: The Jungle Movie]]'' (2017)

* Welcome, Christmas, bring your cheer. Cheer to all Whos far and near. Christmas Day is in our grasp, so as long as we have hands to clap, Christmas Day will always be just as long as we have. Welcome, Christmas. While we stand... Heart to heart... and hand to hand.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[w: How the Grinch stole Christmas|Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas]]'' (1966)

* Merry Christmas!
** Who: [[w:Santa Claus|Santa Claus]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: A Mammoth Christmas]]'' (2011)

* The ship is terrible! Not seaworthy! Bunny overboard!
** Who: [[w:List_of_Ice_Age_characters#Squint|Squint]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: The Great Egg-Scapade]]'' (2016)
** Note: Squint trying to sail away in a basket as a ship but unfortunately it sinks.

* Merry Christmas and happy Julianuary, everybody!
** Who: Mort
** Source: ''[[Merry Madagascar]]'' (2009)

* Two, three four!
** Who: River
** Source: ''My Scene: Jammin' in Jamaica'' (2004)

* To sharing secrets with the best friends anyone could ever have!
** Who: Chelsea
** Source: ''My Scene: Masquerade Madness'' (2004)

* What? It's none of your business!
** Who: Beth
** Source: ''Polly Pocket: Lunar Eclipse'' (2003)

* Still, it was mad fun!
** Who: Pia Pocket
** Source: ''Polly Pocket: 2 Cool at the Pocket Plaza'' (2005)

* Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho!
** Who: [[w:Santa Claus|Santa Claus]]
** Source: ''[[Stick Man]]'' (2015)

* Okay, next time, we're going to Mexico. OW!
** Who: Beast Boy
** Source: ''[[Teen Titans: Trouble in Tokyo]]'' (2006)

* Above all, do not lament my absence, for in my spark, I know that this is not the end, but merely a new beginning. Simply put, another transformation.
** Who: Optimus Prime
** Source: ''[[Transformers: Prime|Transformers: Prime - Predacons Rising]]'' (2013)

* First one inside gets to give him mouth to mouth!
** Who: Lee
* (post-credits:) It's the end of the movie? What movie?
** Who: Jonny 2X4
** Source: ''[[Ed, Edd n Eddy's Big Picture Show]]'' (2009)

* That night, the stars seemed to shine down on the forest with a special warm glow. Schaeffer wondered if he could have dreamt it all. Surely a star had fallen and spread magic in its path? And one special wish had come true, just now. And then Schaeffer stopped wondering, because he suddenly knew that if Broo had made it to the Evergreen Forest, then he would soon see Sophia and the Raccoons too.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Raccoons and the Lost Star]]'' (1983)

=== ''[[Futurama]]'' ===

* Well, we're boned.
** Who: Bender
** Source: ''[[Futurama: Bender's Big Score]]'' (2007)

* Because Bender knows love. And love doesn't share itself with the world. Love is suspicious, love is needy, love is fearful, love is greedy. My friends, there is no great love without great jealousy. I love you, meatbags.
** Who: Bender
** Source: ''[[Futurama: The Beast with a Billion Backs]]'' (2008)

* Faster! Faster! Slower!
** Who: Professor Farnsworth
** Source: ''[[Futurama: Bender's Game]]'' (2008)

* Go! Go!
** Who: Fry and Leela
** Source: ''[[Futurama: Into the Wild Green Yonder]]'' (2009)

=== ''[[The Jimmy Timmy Power Hour Specials]]'' ===

* GET OUT OF MY LAB!
** Who: Jimmy Neutron
** Source: ''Jimmy Timmy Power Hour'' (2004)

* Boys, boys! Please! This fighting over me has got to stop!
** Who: Cindy Vortex
** Source: ''Jimmy Timmy Power Hour 2: When Nerds Collide'' (2006)

* Okay, give him his brain back, boys.
** Who: Cindy Vortex
** Source: ''Jimmy Timmy Power Hour 3: The Jerkinators'' (2006)

=== ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls'' specials ===

* Me too!
** Who: Sour Sweet
** Source: ''Dance Magic'' (2017)

* Uh, sorry.
** Who: Human Rainbow Dash
** Source: ''Movie Magic'' (2017)

* Right.
** Who: Starlight Glimmer
** Source: ''Mirror Magic'' (2017)

* Oh, come on! Seriously?!
** Who: Human Rainbow Dash
** Source: ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Forgotten Friendship'' (2018)

* If you’re up for it.
** Who: Human Rarity
** Source: ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Rollercoaster of Friendship'' (2018)

* We’re baaaack!
** Who: Sunset Shimmer
** Source: ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Spring Breakdown'' (2019)

* Yeah, I guess it would’ve been!
** Who: Human Pinkie Pie
** Source: ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Sunset's Backstage Pass'' (2020)

=== ''[[Miraculous Ladybug]]'' ===

* Hmm.
** Who: Monk
** Source: ''[[Miraculous World: New York – United Heroez]]'' (2020)

* Coming to China, I found so much more than I'd ever hoped for: an amazing uncle, a new friend, and a new Mandarin teacher.
** Who: Marinette Dupain-Cheng
** Source: ''[[Miraculous World: Shanghai – The Legend of Ladydragon]]'' (2020)

=== ''Peanuts'' ===

* Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown!
** Who: Everyone
** Source: ''[[A Charlie Brown Christmas]]'' (1965)

* My grandmother lives in a condominium.
** Who: Charlie Brown
** Source: ''[[A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving]] (1973)

* To read Crime and Punishment by Dostoevsky. Happy New Year, Charlie Brown.
** Who: [[w:Linus van Pelt|Linus van Pelt]]
** Source: ''[[Happy New Year, Charlie Brown]]'' (1986)

* Ah...the Easter Beagle...
** Who: Lucy van Pelt
** Source: ''[[It's the Easter Beagle, Charlie Brown]]'' (1974)

* STUPID? What do you mean &quot;stupid&quot;?! Just wait till next year, Charlie Brown! You'll see! Next year at this same time, I'll find a pumpkin patch that is *real* sincere and I'll sit in that pumpkin patch until the Great Pumpkin appears. He'll rise out of that pumpkin patch and he'll fly through the air with his bag of toys. The Great Pumpkin will appear and I'll be waiting for him! I'll be there! I'll be sitting there in that pumpkin patch... and I'll see the Great Pumpkin. Just wait and see, Charlie Brown. I'll see that Great Pumpkin. I'll SEE the Great Pumpkin! Just you wait, Charlie Brown. The Great Pumpkin will appear, and I'll be waiting for him...!
** Who: Linus van Pelt
** Source: ''[[It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown]]'' (1966)

* Grandma?
** Who: Linus van Pelt
** Source: ''Happiness is a Warm Blanket, Charlie Brown'' (2011)

* Charlie Brown, get your stupid dog to stop playing this music!
** Who: Lucy van Pelt
** Source: ''[[It's the Pied Piper, Charlie Brown]]'' (2000)

=== ''Rankin/Bass'' ===

* Merry Christmas! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
** Who: Santa Claus
** Source: ''[[Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (TV special)|Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer]]'' (1964)

* Aaron's heart was filled with joy and love. And he knew at last that the hate he had carried there was wrong. As ALL hatred will ever be wrong. For more powerful, more beautiful by far than all the eons of sadness and cruelty and desolation which had come before, was that one tiny, crystalline second of laughter. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.
** Who: Our Storyteller
** Source: ''[[The Little Drummer Boy (film)|The Little Drummer Boy]]'' (1968)

* I'll be back on Christmas Day!
** Who: Frosty
** Source: ''[[Frosty the Snowman (TV special)|Frosty the Snowman]]'' (1969)

* Merry Christmas!
** Who: Children
** Source: ''[[Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town (film)|Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town]]'' (1970)

* Happy Easter Day!
** Who: Everyone
** Source: ''[[Here Comes Peter Cottontail]]'' (1971)

* Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!
** Who: Santa Claus
** Source: ''[['Twas the Night Before Christmas (1974 TV special)|'Twas the Night Before Christmas]]'' (1974)

* I dreamed unhappy things!
** Who: Santa Claus
** Source: ''[[The Year Without a Santa Claus]]'' (1974)

* And frosty, too!
** Who: Frosty and Crystal
** Source: ''[[Frosty's Winter Wonderland]]'' (1976)

* And may it be shiny, too!
** Who: Rudolph
** Source: ''[[Rudolph's Shiny New Year]]'' (1976)

* Okay!
** Who: Rudolph
** Source: ''[[Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July]]'' (1979)

* And so, the folks of Beansborough got their winter carnival after all. A tradition was saved. Summer Wheeze was permanently canned, and Mr. Twitchell decided to make sleds instead of trouble. He should have known he was no match for Mother Nature, or a little girl like Holly. Next stop: Winnipeg. Nice town, plenty of parking space, and lots of cocoa.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Frosty Returns]]'' (1992)

=== ''Marvel Rising'' franchise ===

=== ''Thomas and Friends'' specials ===

* Emily was delighted. That night, the engines talked about steamies, diesels, and airplanes, and they all agreed that Tidmouth sheds was the best place to be.
** Who: The narrator
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Calling All Engines]]'' (2005)

* But we're ALL leaders of the track!
* And he couldn't have been happier!
** Who 1: Thomas
** Who 2: The narrator
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|The Great Discovery]]'' (2008)

* I know, Thomas. Thank you.
** Who: Hiro
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Hero of the Rails]]'' (2008)

* And everyone giggled and jiggled.
** Who: The narrator
* (post-credits:) You'll be laughing on the other side of your boilers soon, silly steamies! ''(evil laugh)'' Yes...
** Who: Diesel 10
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Misty Island Rescue]]'' (2010)
** Note: The latter aforementioned line leads into the events of ''Day of the Diesels''. 

* And the two best friends giggled and jiggled with joy.
** Who: The narrator
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Day of the Diesels]]'' (2011)

* And no engine whistled louder than Thomas and Luke!
** Who: The narrator
* (in-credits:) It's me!
** Who: Rheneas
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Blue Mountain Mystery]]'' (2012)

* Knights in Shining Armor, on your mark, get set, go!
** Who: Sir Robert Norramby
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|King of the Railway]]'' (2013)

* Percy was sad to say goodbye to his new friend, but he was happy that he had his old friends beside him.
** Who: The narrator
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Tale of the Brave]]'' (2014)

* But I'm not Mr. Coffee Pot, my name is Glynn.
** Who: Glynn
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|The Adventure Begins]]'' (2015)

* One, two, threeeeeeeee!!!
** Who: Scuba divers' captain
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Sodor's Legend of the Lost Treasure]]'' (2015)

* Good idea! You ''are'' clever. Sometimes.
** Who: Ashima
* (in-credits:) OVER HERE! I'M FULL OF SURPRISES...!
** Who: Diesel
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|The Great Race]]'' (2016)

* What did I miss?
** Who: Henry
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Journey Beyond Sodor]]'' (2017)

* Thomas?
** Who: Ace
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Big World! Big Adventures!]]'' (2018)

=== ''Winnie the Pooh'' specials ===

* No worry! Take your time! Yum, yum!
** Who: Winnie the Pooh
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh and the Honey Tree]]'' (1966)

* And Piglet, too!
** Who: Piglet
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh and the Blustery Day]]'' (1968)

* Come on, everybody! Bounce!
** Who: Rabbit
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh and Tigger Too]]'' (1974)

* Of course you are. Silly old bear.
** Who: Christopher Robin
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh and a Day for Eeyore]]'' (1983)

* And so it was the most thankful day of Thanksgiving, for of all the things we've had or ever liked, the grandest thing we shall ever have is one another... or so it was said, by a bear named Winnie the Pooh.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''A Winnie the Pooh Thanksgiving'' (1998)

* And so as winter changes into spring, which changes into summer, there are things which go on forever unchanging, such as the way a certain boy cares for a certain bear. And we will know for as long as we care to remember, that somewhere in that enchanted place, on top of the forest... a boy and his bear... will always be playing.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''Winnie the Pooh: A Valentine for You'' (1999)

=== ''Winx Club'' specials ===

* I AM A FAIRY!!!
** Who: Bloom
** Source: ''Winx Club: The Fate of Bloom'' (2011)

* The Trix took the Dragon Flame!
** Who: Bloom
** Source: ''Winx Club: Revenge of the Trix'' (2011)

* I don't know, but I guess we'll find out... together.
** Who: Sky
** Source: ''Winx Club: The Battle for Magix'' (2011)

* Get over here!
** Who: Bloom
** Source: ''Winx Club: The Shadow Phoenix'' (2011)

[[Category:Last lines|Animated films]]</text>
      <sha1>ciohq15ohug8uwofyl2t4rkq345nj87</sha1>
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    <revision>
      <id>3153860</id>
      <parentid>3153859</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-12T10:13:34Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:1700:F770:7B40:F8D1:1FBC:401F:5ED1</ip>
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      <comment>/* Bratz film series */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="85942" xml:space="preserve">== Animated films ==

* I'm not sure, exactly. But this world is ours now. It's what we make of it.
** Who: 9
** Source: ''[[9 (2009 animated film)|9]]'' (2009)

* Stop attacking me! Why do you always have to attack me now?! Sit, stay, sit!
** Who: King Llort
** Source: ''[[A Troll in Central Park]]'' (1994)

* No laughing. I’m serious.
** Who: Nai Nai
** Source: ''[[Abominable (2019 film)|Abominable]]'' (2019)

* Man, I'm getting out of here.
** Who: [[w:Bing Crosby|Bing Crosby]]
** Source: ''[[The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad]]'' (1949)

* Bye-bye!
** Who: Rocky
** Source: ''[[The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle]]'' (2000)

* He'll be back.
** Who: Charlie B. Barkin
** Source: ''[[All Dogs Go to Heaven]]'' (1989)

* Hey, guys! I worked a little magic.
** Who: David
** Source: ''[[All Dogs Go to Heaven 2]]'' (1996)

* Buh-bye!
** Who: Fievel and Tanya Mousekewitz
** Source: ''[[An American Tail]]'' (1986)

* I think one day you'll find... that you're the hero you've been lookin'for.
** Who: Wylie
** Source: ''[[An American Tail: Fievel Goes West]]'' (1991)

* Huh? Wow!
** Who: Fievel Mousekewitz
** Source: ''[[An American Tail: The Treasure of Manhattan Island]]'' (1998)

* Sweet dreams, my little Fievel. Sweet dreams.
** Who: Mama Mousekewitz
** Source: ''[[An American Tail: The Mystery of the Night Monster]]'' (1999)

* So long, everybody.
** Who: Bartok
** Source: ''[[Anastasia (1997 film)|Anastasia]]'' (1997)

* To the animals, it now seemed that their world, which may or may not some day become a happy place to live in, was worse than ever for ordinary creatures, and another moment had come when they must do something about it...
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Animal Farm (1954 film)|Animal Farm]]'' (1954)

* There you have it. Your average 'boy-meets-girl, boy-likes-girl, boy-changes-underlying-social-order' story. So, what else can I tell you? We rebuilt the colony - it's even better than before, you know, 'cause now it has a very large indoor swimming pool. Bala and I, incidentally, are thinking of starting a family. You know, just a few kids, maybe a million or two to begin with. And I'm, I'm workin' with a new therapist, you know, terrific, absolutely terrific. He's, he's been putting me in touch with my inner maggot, which is helping me a great deal. And, you know, I finally feel like I've found my place. And you know what? It's right back where I started. But the difference is, this time I chose it.
** Who: Z
** Source: ''[[Antz]]'' (1998)

* Wait a minute. I'm the leader. I'll say when it's the end. It's the end.
** Who: Napoleon
** Source: ''[[The Aristocats]]'' (1970)

* So long, folks.
** Who: Bartok
** Source: ''[[Bartok the Magnificent]]'' (1999)

* I am.
** Who: Andrea Beaumont
** Source: ''[[Batman: Mask of the Phantasm]]'' (1993)

* Tool.
** Who: Butt-head
** Source: ''[[Beavis and Butt-head Do America]]'' (1996)

* Between you and me, I was dying to get out of that office.
** Who: Barry Benson
* (post-credits:) I had virtually no rehearsal for that.
** Who: Barry Benson
** Source: ''[[Bee Movie]]'' (2007)

* We didn't set out to be superheroes... But sometimes, life doesn't go the way you planned. The good thing is, my brother wanted to help a lot of people, and that's what we're gonna do. Who are we?
** Who: Hiro Hamada
* (post-credits:) We have a lot to talk about.
** Who: Fred's Dad
** Source: ''[[Big Hero 6]]'' (2014) 

* Nope. I've never seen him before in my life.
** Who: A pigeon
** Source: ''[[Bolt (2008 film)|Bolt]]'' (2008)

* Yep.
** Who: Doli
** Source: ''[[The Black Cauldron (film)|The Black Cauldron]]'' (1985)

* Bye!
** Who: Steve and Blue
** Source: ''[[Blue's Big Musical Movie]]'' (2000)

* Yay! They're staying! Let's do this....
** Who: Scoop
** Source: ''[[Bob The Builder: Mega Machines The Movie]]'' (2017)

* Hi there, baby sister.
** Who: Timothy's daughter
* (mid-credits:) Okay.
** Who: Mrs. Templeton
* (post-credits:) Wake up, little halflings. It's time to leave. Go and live your peasant lives. BE GONE WITH YOU!
** Who: Wizzie
** Source: ''[[The Boss Baby]]'' (2017)

* There are those who say fate is something beyond our command. That destiny is not our own, but I know better. Our fate lives within us. You only have to be brave enough to see it.
** Who: Merida
* (post-credits:) Delivery! Sign here, sign here! Come on, birdbrain! Haven't got all day!
** Who: The Crow
** Source: ''[[Brave (2012 film)|Brave]]'' (2012)

* My brother Kenai went on to live with Koda and the other bears. He taught me that love is very powerful. And I passed on the wisdom of his story to our people. The story of a boy who became a man...by becoming a bear.
** Who: Old Denahi
* (post-credits) Cut, cut. Ooh.
** Who: Koda
** Source: ''[[Brother Bear]]'' (2003)

* Present stalks! Harvester, salute!
** Who: Thorny
* (in-credits:) Spinning a web of safety in less in 15... Ow!
** Who: P.T.
** Source: ''[[A Bug's Life]]'' (1998)

* TRA-LA-LAAAAAAAA!!!
** Who: Captain Underpants/Mr. Krupp
* (in-credits:) NO!
** Who: Secretary
** Source: ''[[Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie]]'' (2017)

* Get a picture, boys. These kids will be making history!
** Who: L.B. Mammoth
* Hmph!
** Who: Darla Dimple
** Source: ''[[Cats Don't Dance]]'' (1997)

* Wilbur never forgot Charlotte. Although he loved her children and grandchildren dearly, none of the new spiders ever quite took her place in his heart. She was in a class by herself. It's not often that someone comes along who's a true friend and a good writer. Charlotte was both.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Charlotte's Web (1973 film)|Charlotte's Web]]'' (1973)

*Oh, Ace!
**Who: Movie Abby
**Source: ''[[Chicken Little (2005 film)|Chicken Little]]'' (2005)

* Hang on. Let's go over this again?
** Who: Fetcher
* (in-credits:) I don't know.
** Who: Nick
** Source: ''[[Chicken Run]]'' (2000)

* Coco!
** Who: Héctor
** Source: ''[[Coco (2017 film)|Coco]]'' (2017)

* Well, so long, glamor boy!
** Who: Jim Crow
** Source: ''[[Dumbo]]'' (1941)

* I'm so proud of you guys.
** Who: Kronk
** Source: ''[[The Emperor's New Groove]]'' (2000)

* Oh, how cute.
** Who: Yzma
** Source: ''[[Kronk's New Groove]]'' (2005)

* To kindness and love, the things we need most!
** Who: [[w:The Grinch|The Grinch]]
** Source: ''[[The Grinch (film)|Dr. Seuss' The Grinch]]'' (2018)

* Well, come on, Baggy buddy! Let's get back to where we belong. And get with the beat!
** Who: Baloo
** Source: ''[[The Jungle Book (1967 film)|The Jungle Book]]'' (1967)

* Yeah, man!
** Who: Baloo
** Source: ''[[The Jungle Book 2]]'' (2003)

* And so, all ended well for both Horton and Whos. And for all in the jungle, even Kangaroos. So let that be a lesson to one and to all. A person's a person. No matter how small.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Horton Hears a Who! (film)|Dr. Seuss' Horton Hears a Who!]]'' (2008)

* You done good, Beanpole. You done good. By the way, nice mustache.
** Who: [[w:The Lorax|The Lorax]]
** Source: ''[[The Lorax (film)|Dr. Seuss' The Lorax]]'' (2012)

* Somebody! Stop those pants!
** Who: Scrooge McDuck
** Source: ''[[DuckTales|DuckTales the Movie: Treasure of the Lost Lamp]]'' (1990)

* Aw, shit cunt!
** Who: Spanky Ham
** Source: ''[[The Drawn Together Movie: The Movie!]]'' (2010)

* Go fish.
** Who: Smiler
** Source: ''[[The Emoji Movie]]'' (2017)

* Everyone together...
* La Familia Madrigal!
** Who: Abuela Alma Madrigal
** Who 2: The Madrigals
** Source: ''[[Encanto (film)|Encanto]]'' (2021)

* Mmm... that was a good toast.
** Who: Ash
** Source: ''[[Fantastic Mr. Fox (film)|Fantastic Mr. Fox]]'' (2009)

* Yeah, forever.
** Who: Copper
** Source: ''[[The Fox and the Hound]]'' (1981)

* Yeah. Well, good night, Willie. Don't slam the roof. You might wake Mr. Bergen.
** Who: Mortimer
** Source: ''[[Fun and Fancy Free]]'' (1947)

* Enchante, Madamoiselle!
** Who: Goofy
** Source: ''[[A Goofy Movie]]'' (1995)

* You know, somehow I knew you would. Ah-yuck!
** Who: Goofy
** Source: ''[[An Extremely Goofy Movie]]'' (2000)

* Arlo!
** Who: Momma Ida
** Source: ''[[The Good Dinosaur]]'' (2015)

* From that time on, Basil and I were a close team, and over the years we had many cases together. But I shall always look back on that first with the most fondness: My introduction to Basil of Baker Street: ''The Great Mouse Detective.''
** Who: Dawson
** Source: ''[[The Great Mouse Detective]]'' (1986)

* Yeah, things are looking up around here now.
** Who: Pokey
** Source: ''[[Gumby: The Movie]]'' (1995)

* That's Phil's boy!
** Who: The Strong Man
* (post-credits:) What d'ya say? It's happy ending time! Everybody's got a little taste of something, but me! I got nothin'! I'm, I'm here with nothin'! Anybody listenin'? It's like I'm... What am I, an echo or something? Hello? Hello? Am I talking to, what, hyperspace? Hello, it's me! Nobody listens.
** Who: Hades
** Source: ''[[Hercules (1997 film)|Hercules]]'' (1997)

* Show's over, Eugene.
** Who: Gerald Johanssen
** Source: ''[[Hey Arnold!: The Movie]]'' (2002)

* Everybody smile.
** Who: Lucy Tucci
** Source: ''[[Home (2015 film)|Home]]'' (2015) 

* Don't you ever migrate?
** Who: Laverne
* (post-credits:) Good night, everybody! Whoo-hoo-hoo!
** Who: Hugo
** Source: ''[[The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1996 film)|The Hunchback of Notre Dame]]'' (1996)

* And I love Quasimodo!!
** Who: Madellaine
** Source: ''[[The Hunchback of Notre Dame II]]'' (2002)

* We've been through a lot lately, that's for sure. But we still love our girl. She has great new friends, a great new house. Things couldn't be better. After all, Riley's twelve now. What could happen?
** Who: Joy
* (in-credits:) No! Not this again!
** Who: Bus Driver's Emotions
** Source: ''[[Inside Out (2015 film)|Inside Out]]'' (2015)

* See you later.
** Who: Hogarth Hughes
** Source: ''[[The Iron Giant]]'' (1999)

* I take it back.
** Who: Jane
** Source: ''[[Is It College Yet?]]'' (2002)

* Oh!
** Who: Helen
** Source: ''[[Is It Fall Yet?]]'' (2000)

* And that is exactly what you had just seen.
** Who: Old Man
** Source: ''[[James and the Giant Peach]]'' (1996)

* Ah, the fucking autopilot's broke!
** Who: Jay
** Source: ''[[Jay &amp; Silent Bob's Super Groovy Cartoon Movie]]'' (2013)

* Onward, Mr Wiggles. We reach the cafeteria by dawn. Waaaaah!
** Who: Ms. Winifred Fowl
** Source: ''[[Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius (film)|Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius]]'' (2001)

* Listen to them, Soren. They want more stories. Well, come on, you lot. Let's not disappoint them. Ah. There's a good storm brewing. And if we're lucky, I'll be chock full of baggywrinkles.
** Who: Ezylryb
** Source: ''[[Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole]]'' (2010)

* Never too big. You will always be my Little Bear.
** Who: Mother Bear
** Source: ''[[The Little Bear Movie]]'' (2001)

* That does it, Charlie Brown! He is your dog, and you're welcome to him.
** Who: Lucy Van Pelt
** Source: ''[[Snoopy, Come Home]]'' (1972)

* Let's go, bulls!
** Who: [[w:Bill Murray|Bill Murray]]
* (post-credits:) Can l go home now?
** Who: [[w:Michael Jordan|Michael Jordan]]
** Source: ''[[Space Jam]]'' (1996)

* Th-th-th-that's all, folks!
** Who: [[w:Porky Pig|Porky Pig]]
** Source: ''[[Space Jam: A New Legacy]]'' (2021)

* Nice work. See you tomorrow!
** Who: Director
* Go home, folks.
** Who: [[w:Porky Pig|Porky Pig]]
** Source: ''[[Looney Tunes: Back in Action]]'' (2003)

* WILMA!
** Who: [[w:Fred Flintstone|Fred Flintstone]]
** Source: ''[[The Man Called Flintstone]]'' (1966)

* In the state of Texas, USA, life still goes on in the same old way. The Pecos River still flows on, but the greatest cowboy on earth is gone. Yeah, Bill went back to the coyotes, but he never forgot Sue. Every night when the moon was high, he'd lift his voice in a mournful cry, bewailing the fate of his lady fair, his long-lost love in the sky up there. So painful was his grief to see, the varmints joined in out of sympathy. That's how come, to this very day, coyotes howl at the moon that way.
** Who: Roy Rogers
** Source: ''[[Melody Time]]'' (1948)

* Bravo, my friends! Our three heroes have finally made their dream come true. I think this calls for one more song!
** Who: Troubadour
** Source: ''[[Mickey, Donald, Goofy: The Three Musketeers]]'' (2004)

* Gee, thanks for letting us share our Christmas spirit with you. [laughs] Merry Christmas, everybody!
** Who: Mickey Mouse
** Source: ''[[w:Mickey's Magical Christmas: Snowed in the House of Mouse|Mickey's Magical Christmas: Snowed in at the House of Mouse]]'' (2001)

* Aw, phooey!
** Who: Donald Duck
** Source: ''[[Mickey's House of Villains]]'' (2002)

* So in the end, love is the reason that Christmas is more than a gift-giving season. It's a time with our loved ones to show that we care, When families and neighbors come together to share. So, this Christmas season, let us all do our parts To keep Christmas spirit alive in our hearts.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: '' ''[[Mickey's Once Upon a Christmas]]'' (1999)

* So, at last, Mickey learned what he'd missed from the start. Bells and holly mean little without friends in your heart. The magic of Christmas has its rhyme and its reason. We hope you and yours have a most joyous season.
** Who: Narrator
* Ho ho ho!
** Who: Santa Claus
** Source: '' ''[[Mickey's Twice Upon a Christmas]]'' (2004)

* Welcome home!
** Who: A villager
* (post-credits:) Didn't help me though, did it? Still upside down here. Just need a little push. Can we be real? If my name was Sebastian and I had a cool Jamacian accent, you'd totally help me. You would. You know you would.
** Who: Tamatoa 
** Source: ''[[Moana (2016 film)|Moana]]'' (2016)
** Note: He is last seen after the credits, where he is still trapped and struggling to get off his shell, but to no avail. He asks the audience for assistance, and sarcastically quips that if his name was &quot;Sebastian&quot; and he had a Jamaican accent, the audience would feel happy to help him out (the reference to the supporting character of the same name from Disney's [[w:The Little Mermaid (1989 film)|The Little Mermaid]]). It is unknown if he ever got back up or if he starved.

* Wait, wait, wait, wa-wa-wait?! You were dating Derek, too?! That two-timing jerk!
** Who: B.O.B.
* (mid-credits:) Time to wave the white flag and head for the bunker, boys. Let's check the situation in 500 years! Who wants to freeze my head?
** Who: President Hathaway
** Source: ''[[Monsters vs. Aliens]]'' (2009)

* Mushu!
** Who: Great Ancestor
** Source: ''[[Mulan (1998 film)|Mulan]]'' (1998)

* Does a hero dragon deserve anything less? Draw my bath! Warm my towels! Let the pampering begin!
** Who: Mushu
** Source: ''[[Mulan II]]'' (2004)

* Okay! That is the most awesome name ever!
** Who: Pinkie Pie
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: The Movie (2017 film)|My Little Pony: The Movie]]'' (2017)

* I can't think of anything better.
** Who: Madison
** Source: ''My Scene Goes Hollywood: The Movie'' (2005)

* And the moral of our story is...
** Who: Yakko Warner
** Source: ''Wakko's Wish'' (1999)

* What a delightful scoundrel.
** Who: Winston
** Source: ''[[Oliver &amp; Company]]'' (1988)

* Whoa-ho, yeah-ha!
** Who: Barley Lightfoot
** Source: ''[[Onward (film)|Onward]]'' (2020)

* Left foot, right foot... Ah, who needs feet when you got fins! Whoo-hoo!
** Who: Tanglefoot
** Source: ''[[Ooops! Noah Is Gone...]]'' (2015)

* Oh, well. Out with the old, in with the new, huh?
** Who: Frank Detorre
** Source: ''[[Osmosis Jones]]'' (2001)

* There's a secret between you and me, Baby.
** Who: Higgins
** Source: ''[[The Outback (2012 film)|The Outback]]'' (2012)

* Shoot!
** Who: RJ
** Source: ''[[Over the Hedge]]'' (2006)

* And Liberty!
** Who: Liberty
** Source: ''[[PAW Patrol: The Movie]]'' (2021)

* Wait, wait, wait!
** Who: Phineas Flynn
** Source: ''[[Phineas and Ferb the Movie: Across the 2nd Dimension]]'' (2011)

* Well, I'll be! Ho-ho-ho! My, my! Solid gold, too. Oh, I think it's swell.
** Who: Jiminy Cricket
** Source: ''[[Pinocchio (1940 film)|Pinocchio]]'' (1940)

* Godspeed, John.
** Who: Thomas
** Source: ''[[Pocahontas (1995 film)|Pocahontas]]'' (1995)

* At one time, most of my friends could hear the bell. But as years passed, it felt silent for all of them. Even Sarah found, one Christmas, that she could no longer hear its sweet sound. Though I've grown old, the bell still rings for me. As it does for all who truly believe.
** Who: Adult Hero Boy
** Source: ''[[The Polar Express]]'' (2004)

* Sure!
** Who: Evie and Tori
** Source: ''PollyWorld'' (2006)

* Sugar, spice, and everything nice. These were the ingredients chosen to create the perfect little girl. But, Professor Utonium accidentally added an extra ingredient to the concoction. Chemical X. Thus, Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup were born. Using their ultra-super powers, they've dedicated their lives to fighting crime, and the forces of evil. And so for the very first time the day is saved thanks to... the Powerpuff Girls! Hey, that's a good name for them! Powerpuff Girls! Yeah! I like that! Wonder if ''they will?'' I'll run it by them. Powerpuff Girls! Mmm-hmm.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Powerpuff Girls Movie]]'' (2002)

* Well, I waited this long.
** Who: Charlotte LaBouff
** Source: ''[[The Princess and the Frog]]'' (2009)

* Yeah!
** Who: Background character
* (mid-credits 1) And gullible. I forgot to mention gullible.
** Who: [[w:Lucy|Lucy]]
* (mid-credits 2) A round of root beer for our hero the Flying Ace.
** Who: [[w:Marcie|Marcie]]
** Source: ''[[The Peanuts Movie]]'' (2015)

* Well done, Ayden.
** Who: Merlin
** Source: ''[[Quest for Camelot]]'' (1998)

* (theatrical version:) Rango!
** Who: The Mariachi Owls
* (extended version:) My fellow comrades. There will be times when you doubt yourself. When you feel pummeled by the catalclysms of life, remember this moment. Remember me. Know that I will be there, watching you... sometimes at inappropriate moments. That's part of the deal. And remember, that within all of us resides the true Spirit of We- Woah! Let's take it from the top.
** Who: Rango
** Source: ''[[Rango (2011 film)|Rango]]'' (2011)

* Hey, believe me, that story gets better when I tell it, okay? Come on! Bring some food over here, we're starving!
** Who: Django
** Source: ''[[Ratatouille]]'' (2007)

* Ba, welcome to Kumandra.
** Who: Raya
** Source: ''[[Raya and the Last Dragon]]'' (2021)

* Oh we're not late. We'll never going to be late again.
** Who: Rigby
** Source: ''[[Regular Show: The Movie]]'' (2015)

* Aw, phooey! Phooey!
** Who: Robert Benchley
** Source: ''[[The Reluctant Dragon (1941 film)|The Reluctant Dragon]]'' (1941)

* My name is Jack Frost, and I'm a Guardian. How do I know that? Because the Moon told me so. So when the Moon tells you something... ''believe it''.
** Who: Jack Frost
** Source: ''[[Rise of the Guardians]]'' (2012)

* Chel, we're not on the horse!
** Who: Tulio
** Source: ''[[The Road to El Dorado]]'' (2000)

* Well, folks, that's the way it really happened.
** Who: [[w:Alan-a-Dale|Allan-a-Dale]]
** Source: ''[[Robin Hood (1973 film)|Robin Hood]]'' (1973)

* Wait a minute, wait a minute! I-I-I was on the list! Come on, don't you know who I am? Wait! Whoa!
** Who: Tim the Gate Guard
** Source: ''[[Robots (2005 film)|Robots]]'' (2005)

* Hey, Edmond!
** Who: Chanticleer
** Source: ''[[Rock-a-Doodle]]'' (1991)

* As long as we're together. I'm ready to get baked and do anything.
** Who: Brenda
** Source: ''[[Sausage Party]]'' (2016)

* Thank you, Max.
** Who: Duke
* (mid-credits:) I'm home, Leonard. Were you a good boy, Leonard?
** Who: Leonard's Owner
* (post-credits:) All right, party's over!
** Who: Pops
** Source: ''[[The Secret Life of Pets]]'' (2016)

* Bye bye, momma and dada.
** Who: Liam
* (mid-credits:) Snowball, I'm back!
** Who: Molly
* (post-credits:) Okay. Moment's over.
** Who: Rooster
** Source: ''[[The Secret Life of Pets 2]]'' (2019)

* Oh, no!
** Who: Martin
** Source: ''[[The Secret of NIMH]]'' (1982)

* You got served!
** Who: The Shrimp
* Did somebody say CRAZY?!
** Who: Crazy Joe
* What you doing? Go on, get outta here! Go home! It's past your bedtime!
** Who: Mrs. Sanchez
** Source: ''[[Shark Tale]]'' (2004)

* Thanks, boy. Steady. Whoo-hoo!
** Who: Homer Simpson
* (mid-credits:) Smithers, I don't believe in suicides, but if you like to try, it would cheer me up to watch.
** Who: Mr. Burns
* (mid-credits 2:) This is Tom Hanks saying if you see me in person, please leave me be.
** Who: ''[[w:Tom Hanks|Tom Hanks]]''
* (in-credits:) Sequel?
** Who: Maggie Simpson
* (post-credits:) Four years of film school for this?
** Who: Squeaky-Voiced Teen
** Source: ''[[The Simpsons Movie]]'' (2007)

* All creatures great and small, welcome to the New Moon Theater!
** Who: Buster Moon
** Source: ''[[Sing (2016 film)|Sing]]'' (2016)

* Blue!
** Who: Merryweather
** Source: ''[[Sleeping Beauty]]'' (1957)

* Pro: if you go down there you'll meet lots of people. Con: Uh, you're not really a people person. Ugh, this is torture!
** Who: Fleem 
* (mid-credits:) Okay in 3, 2... On the next episode of... Wait am I missing a tooth?
** Who: Percy Patterson
** Source: ''[[Smallfoot (film)|Smallfoot]]'' (2018) 

* Blue cheese!
** Who: Everyone 
* (in-credits:) Am I going mad, Azrael? For the last time, get them to shut off this music!
** Who: [[w:Gargamel|Gargamel]]
** Source: ''[[Smurfs: The Lost Village]]'' (2017)

* Goodbye!
** Who: [[w:Snow White (Disney character)|Snow White]]
** Source: ''[[Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs]]'' (1937)

* Look!
** Who: Kyle Broflovski
* (post-credits:) Guys out there is hurted.
** Who: Ike Broflovski
** Source: ''[[South Park: Bigger, Longer &amp; Uncut]]'' (1999)

* I think I can handle it.
** Who: Chihiro Ogino (Sen)
** Source: ''[[Spirited Away]]'' (2001)
** Note: This line (per above) was heard in the English dub. The original Japanese dub's final line is &quot;Chihiro, let's get to our new home.&quot;

* Miles! Miles! Do you have a minute?
** Who: Gwen Stacy / Spider-Gwen
* You haven't seen pointing until I'm finished with you!
* You're accusing me of pointing while you're...!
** Who 1: Peter Parker / 1967 Spider-Man
** Who 2: Miguel O'Hara / 2099 Spider-Man
** Source: ''[[Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse]]'' (2018)

* You think you could handle them? They're not exactly easy to get along with.
** Who: Steven
** Source: ''[[Steven Universe: The Movie]]'' (2019)

* You love it.
** Who: Tulip
** Source: ''[[Storks (film)|Storks]]'' (2016)

* We did it. We really did it! Woo-hoo! Come on, guys! Yeah!
** Who: Richard
** Source: ''[[A Stork’s Journey]]'' (2017)

* Well, uh.... that's something like television. Without commercials.
** Who: Merlin
** Source: ''[[The Sword in the Stone (film)|The Sword in the Stone]]'' (1963)

* Yes, we are.
** Who: [[w:Flynn Rider|Eugene Fitzherbert]]
** Source: ''[[Tangled]]'' (2010)

* Ooo-ooo-ee-ah-ooo.
** Who: Jane Porter
** Source: ''[[Tarzan (1999 film)|Tarzan]]'' (1999)

* Woof!
** Who: Spot Helperman
** Source: ''[[Teacher's Pet (2004 film)|Teacher's Pet]]'' (2004)

* Wait, wait, wait, wait, WAIT! KIDS, ASK YOUR PARENTS WHERE BABIES COME FROM!
** Who: 2013 Robin
* (mid-credits:) This is the ''[[Teen Titans (TV series)|Teen Titans]]''! Can anyone hear us? We think we found a way back!
** Who: 2003 Robin
* Challengers! I believe we may have missed the motion picture!
** Who: Unknown Challenger
** Source: ''[[Teen Titans Go! To the Movies]]'' (2018)

* Avengers! Assemble!
** Who: James Rogers
** Source: ''Next Avengers: Heroes of Tomorrow'' (2008)

* And of course, they lived happily ever after.
** Who: Jacquimo
** Source: ''[[Thumbelina (1994 film)|Thumbelina]]'' (1994)

* We live together, we train together, we fight together, we stand for good, together. We are Ninjas. We strike hard, defend, protect and fade into the night. And there ain't no bad guy or monster gonna ever change that: That's what's important. And that's why we'll always be brothers. Oh, I love bein' a turtle.
** Who: [[w:Raphael (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Raphael]]
** Source: ''[[TMNT (film)|TMNT]]'' (2007)

* Tom! Jerry! Welcome to your new home!
** Who: Robyn Starling
** Source: ''[[Tom and Jerry: The Movie]]'' (1992)

* Til All Are One!, Till All Are One!, Till All Are One!
** Who: The Autobots
** Source: ''[[The Transformers: The Movie]]'' (1986)

* Up high!
** Who: Cloud Guy
* (in-credits:) But wait, wait, wait.
** Who: Creek
** Source: ''[[Trolls (film)|Trolls]]'' (2016)
** Note: After Poppy and the other Trolls make peace with the Bergens, Creek, along with Chef is knocked out of the Bergen castle. Chef then betrays Creek by trying to eat him, but before this can happen, both are eaten alive by a hill monster.

* Glitter!
** Who: Queen Barb
* (in-credits:) But who gonna eat my cheese balls, babe?
** Who: King Gristle, Jr.
** Source: ''[[Trolls World Tour]]'' (2020)

* And it looks like the winner is...
** Who: Sports Announcer
** Source: ''[[Turbo (film)|Turbo]]'' (2013)

* We've all got an inner beast. We've all got a messy, loud, weird part of ourselves hidden away. And a lot of us never let it out. But I did. How about you?
** Who: Mei Lee
** Source: ''[[Turning Red]]'' (2022)

* She's gonna be so excited.
** Who: Father of Moxy's owner
** Source: ''[[Uglydolls]]'' (2019)

* Another blue one.
** Who: Russell
** Source: ''[[Up (2009 film)|Up]]'' (2009)

* Cheeeeeeeeeese!
** Who: Hutch the Rabbit
** Source: ''[[Wallace &amp; Gromit in The Curse of the Were-Rabbit|Wallace &amp; Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit]]'' (2005)

* This is called farming! You kids are gonna grow all kinds of plants! Vegetable plants, pizza plants! Oh, it's good to be home!
** Who: Captain B. McCrea
** Source: ''[[WALL-E]]'' (2008)

* Gotcha!
** Who: Alex
** Source: ''[[Walking with Dinosaurs (film)|Walking with Dinosaurs]]'' (2013)

* All the world will be your enemy, Prince of a Thousand enemies. And when they catch you, they will kill you. But first they must catch you; digger, listener, runner, Prince with the swift warning. Be cunning, and full of tricks, and your people will never be destroyed.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Watership Down (film)|Watership Down]]'' (1978)

* Alright, guys, let's eat! I'm gonna do syrup and honey.
** Who: Grizzly Bear
** Source: ''[[We Bare Bears: The Movie]]'' (2020)

* Nick!
** Who: Flash
* (in-credits:) Come on! Shake your tails with me, come on! Yeah!
** Who: Gazelle
** Source: ''[[Zootopia]]'' (2016)

=== ''101 Dalmatians'' film series ===

* I'm hungry, mother.
** Who: Roley
** Source: ''[[One Hundred and One Dalmatians]]''

* Say &quot;spots!&quot;
** Who: Photographer
** Source: ''[[101 Dalmatians II: Patch's London Adventure]]''

=== ''Alvin and the Chipmunks'' animated movies'' ===
* Alvin!
** Who: Dave Seville
** Source: ''[[The Chipmunk Adventure]]'' (1987)

* How does that song go again?
** Who: Dr. Frankenstein
** Source: ''Alvin and the Chipmunks Meet Frankenstein'' (1999)

* Us? Wild?
** Who: Alvin
** Source: ''Alvin and the Chipmunks Meet the Wolfman'' (2000)

=== ''[[The Angry Birds Movie]]'' film series ===

* Guys! No!
** Who: Red
* (mid-credits:) Whoa!
** Who: Jay, Jake, and Jim
** Source: ''[[The Angry Birds Movie]]'' (2016)

* Jinx! Jinx! Jinx!
** Who: Chuck and Silver
* (in-credits:) Bye-bye.
** Who: Zoe's sister
** Source: ''[[The Angry Birds Movie 2]]'' (2019)

=== ''[[Aladdin]]'' film series ===

* Made ya look.
** Who: Genie
* (post-credits, special edition only:) You have been a fabulous audience! Tell you what, you're the best audience in the whole world. Take care of yourselves! Good night, Alice! Good night, Agrabah! Adios, amigos!
** Who: Genie
** Source: ''[[Aladdin (1992 Disney film)|Aladdin]]'' (1992)

* Does this mean I don't get my third wish?
** Who: Abis Mal
** Source: ''[[The Return of Jafar]]'' (1994)

* Wait a minute. We're not gettin' outta here, man! We're not gettin' outta here! Don't ya understand it, man? This is it, game's over, man!
** Who: Genie
** Source: ''[[Aladdin and the King of Thieves]]'' (1996)

=== ''Bambi'' film series ===

* Well, I don't believe I've ever seen a more likely looking pair of fawns. Prince Bambi ought to be mighty proud.
** Who: Friend Owl
** Source: ''[[Bambi]]'' (1942)

* Actually, I was a lot like you.
** Who: The Great Prince of the Forest
** Source: ''[[Bambi II]]'' (2006)

=== ''Barbie'' film series ===

* I always knew you could.
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie in the Nutcracker'' (2001)

* When you do that, you'll never go wrong.
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie as Rapunzel'' (2002)

* Wouldn't miss it.
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie of Swan Lake'' (2003)

* And, of course, Wolfie and Serafina lived happily ever after. Along with their many, many, many kittens.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''Barbie as The Princess and the Pauper'' (2004)

* I can't believe it! I'm flying!
** Who: Elina
** Source: ''Barbie: Fairytopia'' (2005)

* I'm trying!
** Who: Blush
** Source: ''Barbie and the Magic of Pegasus'' (2005)

* Secret seaweed, huh? Oh, that is clever of you to remember that!
** Who: Dandilion
** Source: ''Barbie Fairytopia: Mermaidia'' (2006)

* Yes, Papa. I'm finally on time for something.
** Who: Genevieve
** Source: ''Barbie in the 12 Dancing Princesses'' (2006)

* Goodbye, Elina! I know you look forward to seeing me again!
** Who: Fabien
** Source: ''Barbie Fairytopia: Magic of the Rainbow'' (2007)

* (gasps) A princess!
** Who: Tika
** Source: ''Barbie as the Island Princess'' (2007)

* Bye-bye! Whee!
** Who: A Flutterpixie
** Source: ''Barbie: Mariposa'' (2008)

* Now, where were we?
* ''[singing]'' Oh-whoa-oh. Two voices, one song...
** Who: Barbie and Teresa
** Source: ''Barbie and the Diamond Castle'' (2008)

* I think that would be amazing, Kelly.
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie in A Christmas Carol'' (2008)

* Right now, I've got somewhere else to be!
** Who: Corrinne
** Source: ''Barbie and the Three Musketeers'' (2008)
 
* Oopsie! Guess old habits die hard...girlfriend!
** Who: Raquelle
** Source: ''Barbie: A Fairy Secret'' (2011)

* Come on. I wanna introduce you to everyone!
** Who: Blair Willows/Princess Sophia
** Source: ''Barbie: Princess Charm School'' (2011)

* Merry Christmas!
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie: A Perfect Christmas'' (2011)

* Meribella! Put your hands up for me! Come on!
** Who: Keira
** Source: ''Barbie: The Princess &amp; The Popstar'' (2012)

* Come on, let's go!
** Who: Kristyn Farraday
** Source: ''Barbie In The Pink Shoes'' (2013)

* OK! Now, who's got the boarding passes?
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie and her Sisters: In a Pony Tale'' (2013)

* What on earth?
** Who: Bookhurst
** Source: ''Barbie and the Secret Door'' (2014)

* One, two, three, four!
** Who: Erika Juno
** Source: ''Barbie in Rock 'n Royals'' (2015)

* And thanks to Barbie, who was the one after all, everyone lived happily ever after.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''Barbie: Star Light Adventure'' (2016)

* How about you show me those moves?
** Who: Lindsey
** Source: ''Barbie &amp; Her Sisters in A Puppy Chase'' (2016)

* Look!
** Who: Chelsea
** Source: ''Barbie Dolphin Magic'' (2017)

* She's right. Barbie, I can't hold back any longer. I think I... wanna dance with you.
** Who: Ken
** Source: ''Barbie Princess Adventure'' (2020)

* New York! Emmie here, coming at you live from Times Square to announce the winner of the Spotlight Solo! Put your hands together for my friends, Barbie Roberts and Barbie Roberts! Otherwise known as Malibu and Brooklyn, the winners of the Spotlight Solo!
** Who: Emmie
** Source: ''Barbie: Big City, Big Dreams'' (2021)

=== ''[[w:Beauty and the Beast (franchise)|Beauty and the Beast]]'' film series ===

* Do I still have to sleep in the cupboard?
** Who: Chip Potts
** Source: ''[[Beauty and the Beast (1991 film)|Beauty and the Beast]]'' (1991)

* I'd be delighted.
** Who: Fife
** Source: ''[[w:Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas|Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas]]'' (1997)

* And it begins, uh, Lumiere, with trust. Where, with mutual respect, as I have always said all relationships must be firmly based on that. One must build on a firm foundation of trust and respect in order to flourish and flow; nourish and grow. Always attentive to the needs of the other and honesty, utter honesty is the key on which...
** Who: Cogsworth
** Source: ''[[w:Belle's Magical World|Belle's Magical World]]'' (1998)

=== ''Bratz'' film series ===

* It was original, captivating, stylized, and told me so much about each one of you. You're all getting A+'s!
** Who: Mr. Del Rio
** Source: ''Bratz: Starrin' &amp; Stylin'' (2004)

* We’re the girls..
* With the passion for fashion!
* And...
* We...
* Rock!
** Who: Jade, Cloe, Yasmin and Sasha
** Source: ''Bratz Rock Angelz'' (2005)

* Please, call me Henry, all right?
** Who: Gordon Murph
** Source: ''Bratz Babyz: The Movie'' (2006)

* So, after all that work and practice, we discovered that we were really good at a lot of different things. But, what we're best at is being best friends. By helping Anna win the contest, we all ended up winners and we felt like stars!
** Who: Sasha
** Source: ''Bratz Girlz Really Rock'' (2008)

=== ''Care Bears'' film series ===

* Care for me, Mrs. Cherrywood. Just care for me.
** Who: Mr. Cherrywood
** Source: ''[[The Care Bears Movie]]'' (1985)

* Yes, sir! Everything was back to the way it was. But, as always, it was just a little bit different, a little bit better, and a little bit more special—thanks to the Care Bears, the Care Bear Cousins, and thanks to... ''(laughs)'' Well, you all know who you are. I thank my lucky Stars that there are people out there like you who really do care. You're not afraid to share your feelings—and that, my friends, makes you all world-class Care Bear Champs!
** Who: The Great Wishing Star
** Source: ''[[Care Bears Movie II: A New Generation]]'' (1986)

* Goodbye!
** Who: The Care Bears
** Source: ''Care Bears: Journey to Joke-a-lot'' (2004)

* Twinkers, did you hear? Too Loud Bear finally got your name right!
** Who: Wish Bear
** Source: ''The Care Bears' Big Wish Movie'' (2005)

* You bet!
** Who: Cheer Bear
** Source: ''Care Bears: Oopsy Does It!'' (2007)

* Oopsy.
** Who: Oopsy Bear
** Source: ''Care Bears: To the Rescue'' (2010)

*Let's get this Giving Festival started!
** Who: Princess Starglo
** Source: ''Care Bears: The Giving Festival'' (2010)

*Later, gators, I've got stars to make!
** Who: Princess Starglo
** Source: ''Care Bears: Share Bear Shines'' (2011)

=== ''[[w:Cars (franchise)|Cars]]'' film series ===

* Yeah! Ka-chow!
** Who: Lightning McQueen
* (in-credits) Wait a minute here. They're just using the [[w:John Ratzenberger|same actor]] over and over. [[w:Pixar|What kind of a cut-rate production is this?!]]
** Who: Mack
* (post-credits:) NO! There's an on-ramp close! I KNOW IT! I CAN FEEL IT! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!!!
** Who: [[w:List_of_Cars_characters#Van and Minny|Van]]
** Source: ''[[Cars (film)|Cars]]'' (2006)

* Not if I see you first!
** Who: [[w:Mater (Cars)|Tow Mater]]
** Source: ''[[Cars 2]]'' (2011)

* Go!
** Who: Luigi
* (post-credits:) Hey, McQueen! You still there? McQueen! Ugh. Technology.
** Who: [[w:Mater (Cars)|Tow Mater]]
** Source: ''[[Cars 3]]'' (2017)

* Ha-ha, you're on!
** Who: Skipper
** Source: ''[[Planes (film)]]'' (2013)

* Ladies and gentleplanes! Turn your attention to the skies for today's featured aerial presentation! The Propwash Junction Corn Fest is proud to present the Piston Peak Air Attack team, and our very own world champion racer and firefighter, Dusty Crophopper!
** Who: Chug
* (in-credits:) Welcome to Death Valley National Park. Is it hot? ''(laughs weezily)'' Yes, it is.
** Who: Cad Spinner
* (post-credits:) Yay!
** Who: Drip
** Source: ''[[Planes: Fire &amp; Rescue]]'' (2014)

=== ''[[w:Cinderella (franchise)|Cinderella]]'' film series ===

* But, you see, I have the other slipper.
** Who: [[w:Cinderella (Disney character)|Cinderella]]
** Source: ''[[Cinderella (1950 film)|Cinderella]]'' (1950)

* Once upon a time, there was a big castle... and in this castle lived a prince and a princess...
** Who: Cinderella
** Source: ''[[Cinderella II: Dreams Come True]]'' (2002)

* And they lived happily ever after... again.
** Who: Cinderella
** Source: ''[[Cinderella III: A Twist in Time]]'' (2007)

=== ''[[w:The Croods (franchise)|The Croods]]'' film series ===

* Duh-duh-duh!
** Who: Belt and Sandy Crood
** Source: ''[[The Croods]]'' (2013)

* Dad was right after all, we were stronger together.
** Who: Eep Crood
** Source: ''[[The Croods: A New Age]]'' (2020)

=== ''[[w:DC Universe Animated Original Movies|DC Universe Animated Original Movies]]'' ===

* In other news, Gotham's mysterious defender...the Batman, was seen last night helping police apprehend the leaders...of an underworld, gun-running operation...
** Who: Summer Gleason
** Source: ''[[Batman and Mr. Freeze: Subzero]]'' (1998)
* Hi, old man.
** Who: Tim Drake
** Source: ''[[Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker]]'' (2000)
* Well, maybe an explosion now and then.
** Who: Kathy Duquesne
** Source: ''[[Batman: Mystery of the Batwoman]]'' (2003)
* If history has determined that gods can die... ...it has also proven that they may return from the dead. It would seem you can't be destroyed after all, Superman. It would seem.
** Who: Lex Luthor
** Source: ''[[Superman: Doomsday]]'' (2007)
* The pioneers gave up their safety, their comfort, and sometimes their lives to build our new west. They were determined to make the new world strong and free - an example to the world. Some would say that those struggles are all over. That all the horizons have been explored. That all the battles have been won. That there is no longer an American frontier. And we stand today on the edge of a new frontier. The frontier of unknown opportunities and perils. Beyond that frontier are uncharted areas of science. Unsolved problems of peace and war. Unconquered pockets of ignorance and prejudice. I'm asking each of you to be pioneers towards that New Frontier. My call is to the young in heart, regardless of age. Can we carry through in an age where we will witness not only new breakthroughs in weapons of destruction, but also a race for mastery of the sky and the rain, the ocean and the tides, the far side of space, and the inside of men's minds? All mankind waits upon out decision. A whole world waits to see what we shall do. And we cannot fail that trust, and we cannot fail to try.
** Who: John F. Kennedy
** Source: ''[[Justice League: The New Frontier]]'' (2008)

* Sir?
** Who: Alfred Pennyworth
** Source: ''[[Batman: Gotham Knight]]'' (2008)

* Look! It's Wonder Woman!
** Who: Little girl
** Source: ''[[Wonder Woman (2009 film)|Wonder Woman]]'' (2009)

* I've gotta go punch a clock with my other boss. I can see where this is gonna be a long commute.
** Who: Hal Jordan
** Source: ''[[Green Lantern: First Flight]]'' (2009)

* &quot;Late&quot;? Come on, it's... ...early.
** Who: Superman
** Source: ''[[Superman/Batman: Public Enemies]]'' (2009)

* I'm glad you agree. I've been thinking about a membership drive.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths]]'' (2010)

* It feels awesome! Check me out! I'm Robin, the Boy wonder! Are you kidding me? This rocks. Come on, old man, we've got bad guys who need chasing. This is the best day of my life.
** Who: Young Jason Todd/Robin
** Source: ''[[Batman: Under the Red Hood]]'' (2010)

* Hey.
** Who: Superman
** Source: ''[[Superman/Batman: Apocalypse]]'' (2010)

* He's not dead. He's up there fixing the sun. And when he's done, he'll be back.
** Who: Lois Lane
** Source: ''[[All-Star Superman (film)|All-Star Superman]]'' (2011)

* We got a new home to build. Come on. I'll tell you about the time I took on an army of Manhunters and my only backup was this squirrel.
** Who: Hal Jordan
** Source: ''[[Green Lantern: Emerald Knights]]'' (2011)

* Barbara's not crazy about the marriage counselor, but we're making progress. As for me, well, there's a real panic on. Somebody has threatened to poison the Gotham reservoir. He calls himself the Joker. I've got a friend coming who might be able to help. He should be here any minute.
** Who: Lieutenant James Gordon
** Source: ''[[Batman: Year One (film)|Batman: Year One]]'' (2011)

* I do have a plan! It's called the Justice League.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[Justice League: Doom]]'' (2012)

* Can we go so I can kiss you now?
** Who: Lois Lane
** Source: ''[[Superman vs. The Elite]]'' (2012)

* Ba-Batman... Darling!
** Who: Joker
** Source: [[Batman: The Dark Knight Returns (film)|''Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, Part One'']] (2012)

* I spent 10 years looking for a good death. This... This'll be a good life. Good enough.
** Who: Bruce Wayne
** Source: [[Batman: The Dark Knight Returns (film)|''Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, Part Two'']] (2013)

* Marry me.
** Who: Clark Kent
** Source: ''[[Superman: Unbound]]'' (2013)

* You're one helluva messenger. Thank you.
** Who: Bruce Wayne
** Source: ''[[Justice League: The Flashpoint Paradox]]'' (2013)

* The surface dwellers have killed our king. This is an act of war and they will pay.
** Who: Prince Orm
** Source: ''[[Justice League: War]]'' (2014)

* No.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[Son of Batman]]'' (2014)

* Bang.
** Who: Deadshot
** Source: ''[[Batman: Assault on Arkham]]'' (2014)

* I am Lex Luthor. I have a proposition for you.
** Who: Lex Luthor
** Source: ''[[Justice League: Throne of Atlantis]]'' (2015)

* Sometimes, Alfred... ...you have to have a little faith.
** Who: Bruce Wayne
** Source: ''[[Batman vs. Robin]]'' (2015)

* Time to look ahead, Kirk. You know what they say. The past is like another planet.
** Who: Superman
** Source: ''[[Justice League: Gods and Monsters]]'' (2015)

* Master Bruce is having a heart-to-heart with Damian. One can't help feeling bad. Despite her madness, she was his mother.
** Who: Alfred Pennyworth
** Source: ''[[Batman: Bad Blood]]'' (2016)

* Raven, release me. You're too weak to keep me in here, you filthy witch! I'll get out! I'll kill everyone you love. RAVEN!!!
** Who: Trigon
** Source: ''[[Justice League vs. Teen Titans]]'' (2016)

* Yeah, Dad, I just got back from the lacrosse game. Going to practice some Wallball this weekend. Getting pretty good. Maybe another night, Dad, I got plans tonight. I can't help it if your daughter's so popular. I'll talk to you, later. Right then, back to work.
** Who: Barbara Gordon / Oracle
** Source: ''[[Batman: The Killing Joke (film)|Batman: The Killing Joke]]'' (2016)

* Now, that's what I call making yourself useful, love.
** Who: John Constantine
** Source: ''[[Justice League Dark (film)|Justice League Dark]]'' (2017)

* I talk to the dead. For no matter how rotted the corpse, there's always a tiny wisp of life left.
** Who: Brother Blood
** Source: ''[[Teen Titans: The Judas Contract]]'' (2017)

* Aw... Ain't that a shame? Wendel is headed back to his crummy house and all those cats without getting the help he so desperately needs. Oh, well, that's it for today's show. Till next time, folks. Be good to yourselves. 'Cause everyone else in the world is probably out to get you. Bye-bye!
** Who: Dr. Harleen Quinzel
** Source: ''[[Batman and Harley Quinn]]'' (2017)

* It was all phony anyway. We'll make something new. Something better.
** Who: Dickie
** Source: ''[[Batman: Gotham by Gaslight]]'' (2018)

* I'll be seeing you, Waller. Maybe in heaven.
** Who: Deadshot
** Source: ''[[Suicide Squad: Hell to Pay]]'' (2018)

* Superman?
** Who: Jimmy Olsen
** Source: ''[[The Death of Superman (film)|The Death of Superman]]'' (2018)

* Okay, who left the front door open?
** Who: Green Lantern
** Source: ''[[Reign of the Supermen (film)|Reign of the Supermen]]'' (2019)

* Jessica Cruz. It's an honor.
** Who: Brainiac 5
** Source: ''[[w:Justice League vs. the Fatal Five|Justice League vs. the Fatal Five]]'' (2019)

* Someday.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[w:Batman: Hush (film)|Batman: Hush]]'' (2019)

* You think I'm intimidated? I've won. I'm coming for you, Wonder Woman. Do you hear me, Wonder Woman? I am coming for you!
** Who: Veronica Cale
** Source: ''[[w:Wonder Woman: Bloodlines|Wonder Woman: Bloodlines]]'' (2019)

* I kind of like that last option.
** Who: Lois Lane
** Source: ''[[w:Superman: Red Son (film)|Superman: Red Son]]'' (2020)

* And some of those changes may be shite. And we may make the same mistakes again. It won't be perfect... but it'll be a long sight better than what we got now.
** Who: John Constantine
** Source: ''[[w:Justice League Dark: Apokolips War|Justice League Dark: Apokolips War]]'' (2020)

=== ''[[w:Despicable Me (franchise)|Despicable Me]]'' film series ===

* No, I'm fine. Go ahead. No, no, no!
** Who: Gru
* (post-credits:) I am Gru. Back to work! Back to work! Back to...
** Who: Kevin
** Source: ''[[Despicable Me]]'' (2010)

* I'M SO HAPPY!!!
** Who: Agnes Gru
** Source: ''[[Despicable Me 2]]'' (2013)

* Come on, He's my brother. We'll give him a 5 minute head start.
** Who: Felonious Gru
** Source: ''[[Despicable Me 3]]'' (2017)

* FREEZE RAY!!!
** Who: Felonious Gru
** Source: ''[[Minions (film)|Minions]]'' (2015)

=== ''[[w:Fantasia (franchise)|Fantasia]]'' film series ===

* The last number in our ''Fantasia'' program is a combination of two pieces of music so utterly different in construction and mood that they set each other off perfectly. The first is ''A Night On Bald Mountain'', by one of Russia's greatest composers, Modest Mussorgsky. The second is Franz Schubert's world-famous ''Ave Maria''. Musically and dramatically, we have here a picture of the struggle between the profane and the sacred. Bald Mountain, according to tradition, is the gathering place of Satan and his followers. Here on ''Walpurgisnacht'', which is the equivalent of our own Halloween, the creatures of evil gather to worship their master. Under his spell, they dance furiously until the coming of dawn and the sounds of church bells send the infernal army slinking back into their abodes of darkness. And then we hear the Ave Maria, with its message of the triumph of hope and life over the powers of despair and death.
** Who: [[w:Deems Taylor|Deems Taylor]]
** Source: ''[[Fantasia (1940 film)|Fantasia]]'' (1940)

* Camera back on me. Uh, camera back on me, please. Anyone? Hello? Hello? Could someone give me a ride home?
** Who: [[Steve Martin]]
** Source: ''[[Fantasia 2000]]'' (2000)

=== ''[[w:Finding Nemo (franchise)|Finding Nemo]]'' film series ===

* Bye, son.
** Who: Marlin
* (pre-credits:) Now what?
** Who: Bloat
** Source: ''[[Finding Nemo]]'' (2003)

* Yep. Unforgettable.
** Who: Dory
* (post-credits:) Now what?
** Who: Bloat
** Source: ''[[Finding Dory]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:Frozen (franchise)|Frozen]]'' film series ===

* That's it. Glide and pivot. Glide and pivot.
** Who: Olaf
** Source: ''[[Frozen (2013 film)|Frozen]]'' (2013)

* Ready?
** Who: Elsa
* (post-credits:) Oh. We live! WE LIVE!!! Good story.
** Who: Marshmallow 
** Source: ''[[Frozen II]]'' (2019)

=== ''[[w:Happy Feet (franchise)|Happy Feet]]'' film series ===

* Gracias.
** Who: Ramón
** Source: ''[[Happy Feet]]'' (2006)

* Ja, The Svened.
** Who: The Mighty Sven
** Source: ''[[Happy Feet Two]]'' (2011)

=== ''[[w:Hotel Transylvania (franchise)|Hotel Transylvania]]'' film series ===

* Alright, maybe just a little.
** Who: Dracula
* (in-credits) I didn't do that.
** Who: Elderly Gremlin
** Source: ''[[Hotel Transylvania|Hotel Transylvania]]'' (2012)

* I didn't do that.
** Who: Elderly Gremlin
** Source: ''[[Hotel Transylvania 2]]'' (2015)

* Yes!
** Who: Ericka van Helsing
** Source: ''[[Hotel Transylvania 3: Summer Vacation]]'' (2018)

=== ''[[w:Hoodwinked!|Hoodwinked!]]'' film series ===

* I always did like happy endings.
** Who: Red Puckett
** Source: ''[[Hoodwinked!]]'' (2005)

* Hey, girls. Let's call it a night.
** Who: Twitchy
** Source: ''[[Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil]]'' (2011)

=== ''[[w:How to Train Your Dragon|How to Train Your Dragon]]'' film series ===

* This is Berk. It snows nine months of the year and hails the other three. Any food that grows here is tough and tasteless. The people that grow here are even more so. The only upsides are the pets. While other places have ponies or parrots... we have... dragons!
** Who: Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III
** Source: ''[[How to Train Your Dragon (film)|How to Train Your Dragon]]'' (2010)

* This... is Berk. A bit trampled and busted and covered in ice, but it's home. It's our home. Those who attacked us are relentless and crazy. But those who stopped them? Oh, even more so! We may be small in numbers, but we stand for something bigger than anything the world can pit against us. We are the voice of peace. And bit by bit, we will change this world. You see, we have something they don't. Oh sure, they have armies and they have armadas... But we... we have... OUR DRAGONS!
** Who: Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III
** Source: ''[[How to Train Your Dragon 2]]'' (2014)

* Legend says that when the ground quakes or lava spews from the earth, it's the dragons letting us know they're still here. Waiting for us to figure out how to get along. Yes, the world believes the dragons are gone, if they ever existed at all. But we Berkians, we know otherwise. And we'll guard this secret until the time comes when dragons can return in peace.
** Who: Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III
** Source: ''[[How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World]]'' (2019)

=== ''[[w:Ice Age (franchise)|Ice Age]]'' film series ===

* No, really...
** Who: [[w:List_of_Ice_Age_characters#Sid|Sid]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age (2002 film)|Ice Age]]'' (2002)

* Calm down! I saved you, little buddy! Remember!?
** Who: [[w:List_of_Ice_Age_characters#Sid|Sid]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: The Meltdown]]'' (2006)

* That's right, sweetheart. Welcome to the Ice Age.
** Who: [[w:List_of_Ice_Age_characters#Ellie|Ellie]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs]]'' (2009)

* No! Stop! Brother, rise above this base desire. Be more than a rodent.
** Who: Ariscratle
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: Continental Drift]]'' (2012)

* Mars: the red planet. Cold... dry... inhospitable to life. But billions and billions of years ago, Mars looked like this. There were lakes, rivers, oceans... the perfect conditions for life to form. So, what happened? Why was life unable to take hold? Where did the water go? We may never know.
** Who: [[w:List_of_Ice_Age_characters#Neil deBuck Weasel|Neil deBuck Weasel]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: Collision Course]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:The Incredibles (franchise)|The Incredibles]]'' film series ===

* Behold, the Underminer! I am always beneath you, but nothing is beneath me! I hereby declare war on peace and happiness! Soon, all will tremble before me!
** Who: The Underminer
** Source: ''[[The Incredibles]]'' (2004)

* Stop! Let us out! Here, large popcorn, small soda. Save me a seat. Center, about eight rows back. I'll be back before the previews are over!
** Who: [[w:Violet Parr|Violet Parr]]
** Source: ''[[Incredibles 2]]'' (2018)

=== ''[[Kim Possible]]'' film series ===

* No idea why I said that!
** Who: Ron Stoppable
** Source: ''[[Kim Possible: A Sitch in Time]]'' (2003)

* It finally happened! She's dating that loser! Kim Possible and Ron Stoppable are dating!? ''(Laughs loudly)''
** Who: Bonnie Rockwaller
** Source: ''[[Kim Possible Movie: So the Drama]]'' (2005)

=== ''[[w:Kung Fu Panda (franchise)|Kung Fu Panda]]'' film series ===

* Yeah.
** Who: [[w:List_of_Kung_Fu_Panda_characters#Master Shifu|Master Shifu]]
** Source: ''[[Kung Fu Panda]]'' (2008)

* My son is alive...
** Who: [[w:List_of_Kung_Fu_Panda_characters#Li Shan|Li Shan]]
** Source: ''[[Kung Fu Panda 2]]'' (2011)

* Panda Asthma.
** Who: [[w:List_of_Kung_Fu_Panda_characters#Li Shan|Li Shan]]
** Source: ''[[Kung Fu Panda 3]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:Lady and the Tramp|Lady and the Tramp]]'' film series ===

* Huh? I haven't? Well, uh, as Old Reliable used to say... He'd say, uh, uh... He'd say, uh, uh... Doggone. You know, I clean forgot what it was he used to say!
** Who: Trusty
** Source: ''[[Lady and the Tramp]]'' (1955)

* Angel!
** Who: Junior
** Source: ''[[Lady and the Tramp II: Scamp's Adventure]]'' (2001)

=== ''[[w:The Land Before Time (franchise)|The Land Before Time]]'' film series ===

* And they all grew up together in the valley, generation upon generation, each passing on to the next. The tale of their ancestors' journey to the valley, long ago.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time]]'' (1988)

* But I still can't wait to grow up.
** Who: Littlefoot
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time II: The Great Valley Adventure]]'' (1994)

* And so, as it turned out, the dinosaurs traveled from green spot to green spot, eating their fill, each helping the others to find what they needed, each learning the special kind of joy, which comes from giving to others. And in the years to come, this story of sharing was told over and over again, until it became known as: &quot;The Time of the Great Giving.&quot;
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time III: The Time of the Great Giving]]'' (1995)

* And so, it came to pass that the migrating dinosaurs left the Great Valley for lands unknown. And yes, Littlefoot and his friends, Cera, Ducky, Petrie and Spike, would indeed meet Ali again one day. But that's another story.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time IV: Journey Through the Mists]]'' (1996)

* It's great to be home.
** Who: Cera
** ''[[The Land Before Time V: The Mysterious Island]]'' (1997)

* And so, another myth was born. It would change with each retelling. And even now, who knows how this one will end.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time VI: The Secret of Saurus Rock]]'' (1998)

* Oh, no! Oh, no! But we are plenty smart, right, Spike?
* Uh-huh.
** Who 1: Ducky
** Who 2: Spike
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time VII: The Stone of Cold Fire]]'' (1999)

* The families would be happy here until the Great Circle began to warm the land once more, melting the white ground sparkles and allowing new life to spring up, turning the earth green again. Then they could return to the Great Valley, where they could all get a good night's sleep, even Ducky.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time VIII: The Big Freeze]]'' (2001)

* This adventure was at an end. Still, Littlefoot, Cera, Ducky, Petrie and Spike knew in their hearts that there would be many more adventures yet to come.
** Who: Narrator
** Source:''[[The Land Before Time IX: Journey to Big Water]]'' (2002)

* I just have one question. Do we HAVE to go back through the swamp?
** Who: Ducky
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time X: The Great Longneck Migration]]'' (2003)

* And every nibbling day, the dinosaurs of the Great Valley gathered to celebrate these small things of life which mattered so much.
* Got you!
** Who 1: Narrator
** Who 2: Petrie
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time XI: Invasion of the Tinysauruses]]'' (2005)

* Many changes had occurred on this day of changes. And many more would follow. The dinosaur families understood this. They knew that change was a part of life in the Great Valley.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time XII: The Great Day of the Flyers]]'' (2006)

* In their journey to Berry Valley, the young dinosaurs had discovered that wisdom came in many different forms. And they knew that more lessons lay before them as they grew in the land before time.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time XIII: The Wisdom of Friends]]'' (2007)

* Littlefoot had found his father. And he found something else, too... Something he wasn't looking for. The realization that he and his friends would always be together... till the end of their days... in the Land Before Time.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time XIV: Journey of the Brave]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:The Lego Movie (franchise)|The Lego Movie]]'' film series ===

* Oh, man.
** Who: Emmet Brickowski
** Source: ''[[The Lego Movie]]'' (2014)

* Wow, that was fun! Really hope nobody was recording that. Let me see. Oh, this thing is on. This thing is recording.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[The Lego Batman Movie]]'' (2017)

* B mark.
** Who: Director
** Source: ''[[The Lego Ninjago Movie]]'' (2017)

* An original album of ''Everything is Awesome''?! Wait a minute. Is that...? 
** Who: Emmet Brickowski
** Source: ''[[The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part]]'' (2019)

=== ''[[w:Lilo &amp; Stitch (franchise) (franchise)|Lilo &amp; Stitch]]'' film series ===

* Wait.
** Who: Stitch
** Source: ''[[Lilo &amp; Stitch]]'' (2002)

* And with 626, they make one hotshot evil genius experiment-catching team!
** Who: Jumba Jookiba
* (post-credits:) I'll get the wig.
** Who: Wendy Pleakley
** Source: ''[[Stitch! The Movie]]'' (2003)

* Mom would be so proud of you.
** Who: Nani Pelekai
** Source: ''[[Lilo &amp; Stitch 2: Stitch Has a Glitch]]'' (2005)

* Aloha!
** Who: The Pelekai ''ʻohana'': Lilo Pelekai, Stitch, Nani Pelekai, David Kawena, Jumba Jookiba, Wendy Pleakley, Mertle Edmonds, and many of Jumba's genetic experiments (Stitch's &quot;cousins&quot;)
** Source: ''[[Leroy &amp; Stitch]]'' (2006)

=== ''[[w:The Lion King (franchise)|The Lion King]]'' film series ===

* Remember...
** Who: Mufasa's Ghost
** Source: ''[[The Lion King]]'' (1994)

* Well done, my son. We are one.
** Who: Mufasa's Ghost
** Source: ''[[The Lion King II: Simba's Pride]]'' (1998)

* Uh, Timon? I still don't do so well in crowds.
** Who: Pumbaa
** Source: ''[[The Lion King 1½]]'' (2004)

=== ''[[w:The Little Mermaid (franchise)|The Little Mermaid]]'' film series ===

* I love you, daddy.
** Who: Ariel
** Source: ''[[The Little Mermaid (1989 film)|The Little Mermaid]]'' (1989)

* Hi.
** Who: Melody
** Source: ''[[The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea]]'' (2000)

* That's my girl. Samba? Ooh-wa, ooh-wa! 
** Who: Benjamin
** Source: ''[[The Little Mermaid: Ariel's Beginning]]'' (2008)

=== ''[[w:Madagascar (franchise)|Madagascar]]'' film series ===

* Nah. Just smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave.
** Who: Skipper
** Source: ''[[Madagascar (2005 film)|Madagascar]]'' (2005)

* Shake 'em. Shake 'em. Shake 'em. Shake 'em...
** Who: King Julian XII
** Source: ''[[Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa]]'' (2008)

* Hey, Skipper, what did you end up doing with the crazy lady, anyway?
** Who: Alex
** Source: ''[[Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted]]'' (2012)

* You know, if I'm being honest, I expected a little more... pizzazz! Yes! Now, that's pizzazz!
** Who: King Julian XII
** Source: ''[[Penguins of Madagascar]]'' (2014)

=== ''[[w:Monsters, Inc. (franchise)|Monsters, Inc.]]'' film series ===

* Kitty!
** Who: Boo
** Source: ''[[Monsters, Inc.]]'' (2001)

* You better believe it.
** Who: Mike Wazowski
* (post-credits:) Great.
** Who: Student Slug Monster
** Source: ''[[Monsters University]]'' (2013)

=== ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls'' film series ===

* Just a hunch.
** Who: Pinkie Pie
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Equestria Girls]]'' (2013)

* One! Two! Three! Four!
** Who: Human Pinkie Pie
* (post-credits:) No doubt about it, Spike, there's definitely something strange going on at that school.
** Who: Human Twilight Sparkle (Sci-Twi)
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Rainbow Rocks]]'' (2014)

* Make that the ''second'' strangest.
** Who: Princess Twilight Sparkle
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Friendship Games]]'' (2015)

* Where did the magic that hit this cave come from?
** Who: Sunset Shimmer
* (post-credits:) Let's celebrate!
** Who: Human Pinkie Pie
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Legend of Everfree]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:The Nut Job|The Nut Job]]'' film series ===

* Any more big ideas? Please stay.
** Who: Norvirus Raccoon
** Source: ''[[The Nut Job]]'' (2014)
** Note: A mid-credits scene reveals that Raccoon and Cardinal survived and were drifted out to sea, but sharks now surround them, leaving their fate ambiguous.

* Ride, Precious! Ride! Hiyah!
** Who: Surly
** Source: ''[[The Nut Job 2: Nutty by Nature]]'' (2017)

=== ''[[w:Open Season (franchise)|Open Season]]'' film series ===

* Wait, wait. No. No. No!
** Who: Shaw
** Source: ''[[Open Season]]'' (2006)

* Come on!
** Who: Elliot
** Source: ''[[Open Season 2]]'' (2009)

* Boop!
** Who: Allistar
** Source: ''[[Open Season 3]]'' (2011)

* No.
** Who: Boog
** Source: ''[[Open Season: Scared Silly]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:The Rescuers|The Rescuers]]'' film series ===

* I sure wish we'd have taken the train.
** Who: Bernard
** Source: ''[[The Rescuers]]'' (1977)

* Help! Anybody! Bernard! Bianca! Where are you? Okay, that's it, I'm out of here. This is ridiculous. You can't leave me here alone. I'm gone! I am gone. Oh. Aw, no, stay in those eggs! That's a direct order! Oh. Hey, you're kind of a cute little feller. Coochy, coochy... Yeowww! Whoa! Ohhh!
** Who: Wilbur
** Source: ''[[The Rescuers Down Under]]'' (1990)

=== ''[[w:Rio (franchise)|Rio]]'' film series ===

* That's my big brave boy.
** Who: Linda Gunderson
* (in-credits:) I love you, Rio!
** Who: Luiz
** Source: ''[[Rio (film)|Rio]]'' (2011)

* That's the end?
** Who: Pedro
** Source: ''[[Rio 2]]'' (2014)

=== ''Rugrats'' film series ===

* Way to go, Dilly!
** Who: Tommy Pickles, Chuckie Finster, Phil and Lil Deville
** Source: ''[[The Rugrats Movie]]'' (1998)

* Well, Tommy. I guess this is the way things are gonna be from now on.
** Who: Chuckie Finster
** Source: ''[[Rugrats in Paris: The Movie]]'' (2000)

* Well, Eliza, as dog is my witness, I'll never lose my babies again!
** Who: Spike the Dog
** Source: ''[[Rugrats Go Wild]]'' (2003)

=== ''[[w:Shrek (franchise)|Shrek]]'' film series ===

* Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe.
** Who: [[w:Donkey (Shrek)|Donkey]]
** Source: ''[[Shrek]]'' (2001)

* Hey Donkey, that's Spanish!
** Who: [[w:Puss in Boots (Shrek)|Puss in Boots]]
* (mid-credits:) Look at our little mutant babies! I gotta get a job!
** Who: [[w:Donkey (Shrek)|Donkey]]
** Source: ''[[Shrek 2]]'' (2004)

* I got it.
** Who: [[w:Shrek (character)|Shrek]]
** Source: ''[[Shrek the Third]]'' (2007)

* No, it was ''you'' that rescued ''me.''
** Who: [[w:Shrek (character)|Shrek]]
** Source: ''[[Shrek Forever After]]'' (2010)

* This is the story of a cat who became a hero. An outlaw dedicated to justice and a lover of beautiful woman. A great, great lover. Really, it is crazy. I am Puss in Boots! And my name would become legend.
** Who: [[w:Puss in Boots (Shrek)|Puss in Boots]]
* (in-credits:) Oh!
** Who: Oh Cat
** Source: ''[[Puss in Boots (2011 film)|Puss in Boots]]'' (2011)

=== ''[[w:SpongeBob SquarePants (film series)|SpongeBob SquarePants]]'' film series ===

* Are you crazy? I was just gonna tell you that your fly is down. Manager! This is the greatest day of my life!!!
** Who: SpongeBob SquarePants
* (post credits:) Okay.
** Who: Captain Bart the Pirate
** Source: ''[[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie]]'' (2004)

* See you later, te-ammate!
** Who: [[w:SpongeBob SquarePants (character)|SpongeBob SquarePants]]
* That was pretty good actually.
** Who: Bubbles
* (in-credits:) You know what this needs? A little interpretive dance!
** Who: [[w:Squidward Tentacles|Squidward Tentacles]]
** Source: ''[[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water]]'' (2015)

* Order up!
** Who: [[w:SpongeBob SquarePants (character)|SpongeBob SquarePants]]
** Source: ''[[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge on the Run]]'' (2020)

=== ''[[w:Surf's Up (film)|Surf's Up]]'' film series ===

* Cody would never do this.
** Who: Edna Maverick
** Source: ''[[Surf's Up]]'' (2007)

* Okay, That's a wrap on this episode of &quot;Are they still cool? Surf Edition&quot;. Aaaand cut.
** Who: Announcer
** Source: ''[[Surf's Up 2: WaveMania]]'' (2017)

=== ''[[w:Toy Story (franchise)|Toy Story]]'' film series ===

* Oh, what is it? What is it? Wow! A puppy!
** Who: Andy Davis
** Source: ''[[Toy Story]]'' (1995)

* Besides, when it all ends, I'll have old Buzz Lightyear to keep me company - for infinity and beyond.
** Who: Woody
* Yeah!
** Who: Wheezy
* (outtakes:) A little break, okay. Phew.
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''[[Toy Story 2]]'' (1999)

* So long, partner. Oh hey, Buzz! You haven't met Bonnie's toys yet! 
** Who: Woody
* (in-credits:) Just go with it, Buzz.
** Who: Jessie
** Source: ''[[Toy Story 3]]'' (2010)

* He's not lost. Not anymore. To infinity...
* ...and beyond.
** Who 1: Buzz Lightyear
** Who 2: Woody
* (mid-credits 1:) Oh yeah. Leave it to us, Jermiah.
** Who: Ducky
* (mid-credits 2:) Yeah. We know exactly what to do.
** Who: Bunny
* (mid-credits 3:) Whoa.
** Who: Duke Caboom
* (mid-credits 4:) I don't know.
** Who: Forky
* (post-credits:) Caboom! Yes.
** Who: Duke Caboom
** Source: ''[[Toy Story 4]]'' (2019)

* To infinity...
* ...and beyond.
** Who 1: Izzy Hawthorne
** Who 2: Buzz Lightyear
* (mid-credits:) [laughs] Laser Shield.
**Who: Commander Burnside
*(post-credits:) Ask the bromite swamps, a breathtaking sight or so I am told, but if you're in a hurry, this would be your most direct route. Any questions? Hello? Oh...
**Who: E.R.I.C.
** Source: ''[[Lightyear (film)|Lightyear]]'' (2022)

=== ''[[Winnie the Pooh]]'' film series ===

* Wherever they go, and whatever happens to them on the way, in their enchanted place on top of the forest, a little bear will always be waiting.
** Who: The narrator
** Source: ''[[The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh]]'' (1977)

* Yes, Piglet. It's the least we could do... for a very small Piglet who's done such very big things. Thank you, Piglet.
** Who: Pooh
** Source: ''[[Piglet's Big Movie]]'' (2003)

* And so it is here we shall leave them. And here we shall find them again. For the boy and the bear will always be together in this remarkable place called the Hundred Acre Wood.
** Who: The narrator
** Source: ''[[Pooh's Grand Adventure: The Search for Christopher Robin]]'' (1997)

* You know, we never really did capture a Heffalump that day. It was more like... like Lumpy captured all of us.
** Who: Pooh
** Source: ''[[Pooh's Heffalump Movie]]'' (2005)

* You were right! I love Hallowoon! Hallow-woo... Hallow... Oh, whatever. As long as we're together!
** Who: Lumpy
** Source: ''[[Pooh's Heffalump Halloween Movie]]'' (2006)

* Look this way, everybody. Closer. Smile!
** Who: Christopher Robin
** Source: ''[[The Tigger Movie]]'' (2000)

* Silly old bear.
** Who: Christopher Robin
* (post-credits:) Wow! It's amazing what you can find in the woods. A marble! And a boot! And oh, my, that's a scary-lookin' fella. Gosh! Maybe these are his things. You know, I better pick 'em up so they won't get broken. That's the last thing I would want. Whoa!  Oh, my gosh! Is this a pit? I think I'm in a pit! Hello? Anybody up there? Oh, well. I sure hope that fella will be back soon.
** Who: The Backson
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh (film)|Winnie the Pooh]]'' (2011)
** Note: He comes out of the scary woods and proves to be real but instead of being a monstrous beast, he is actually very kind and the bait Pooh and the other left for him he decided to pick them up to return to them but falls into the pit as planned. He decides to wait for someone to help him out and hopes he'll be back soon.

* And so another Christmas came and went in the Hundred Acre Wood. It had been a joyous season of giving for all our friends, but especially for a little bear named Winnie the Pooh.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh: Seasons of Giving]]'' (1999)

* Not bad! But it could've used a few more jingly bells.
** Who: Tigger
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh: A Very Merry Pooh Year]]'' (2002)

* BBFN: Bye-Bye For Now!
** Who: Roo
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh: Springtime With Roo]]'' (2004)

=== ''[[Winx Club]]'' film series ===

* And thus, the fairy that was searching for her origins learned to believe in herself, and to trust the people she loved. She stayed true to herself, and to what she believed in, and won her greatest battle, saving her kingdom, freeing her people, and reuniting her family, and finally becoming a true guardian fairy. And now written in the Book of Fate, there's a new Company of Light... the Winx!
** Who: Bartelby (Dubbing Brothers)
* And so, the most strong-willed of all fairies overcame the greatest challenge. She learned to believe in herself and trust the people she loved. She stayed true to what was in her heart and in doing so she saved a kingdom, freed her people, and reunited her long-lost family. And finally, she became a true Guardian Fairy. And now written in the Book of Fate, there's a new Company of Light, called... the Winx!
** Who: Bartelby (Atlas Oceanic)
* (pre-credits:) And soon we'll loop their stupid little fairy wings right off their bodies!
** Who: Icy (Dubbing Brothers)
* (pre-credits:) And soon we reap their weak little fairy wings right of their bodies!
** Who: Icy (Atlas Oceanic)
** Source: ''[[Winx Club: The Secret of the Lost Kingdom]]'' (2007)

* Daddy...
** Who: Bloom
* (post-credits:) Ta-da!!!
** Who: Stella
** Source: ''[[Winx Club 3D: Magical Adventure]]'' (2010)

* Kiko... Thank you! I'm really dying for an ice cream!
** Who: Sky
** Source: ''[[Winx Club: The Mystery of the Abyss]]'' (2014)

=== ''[[w:Wreck-It Ralph (franchise)|Wreck-It Ralph]]'' film series ===

* But I gotta say, the best part of my day is when I get thrown off the roof. Because when the Nicelanders lift me up, I get a perfect view of Sugar Rush, and I can see Vanellope racing. The kid's a natural, the players love her, glitch and all, just like I knew they would. Turns out I don't need a medal to tell me I'm a good guy. Because if that little kid likes me... how bad can I be?
** Who: [[w:Wreck-it Ralph (character)|Wreck-it Ralph]]
** Source: ''[[Wreck-It Ralph]]'' (2012)

* Come on Felix, let's get to work, buddy.
* (mid-credits:) No, the kitty gets the milkshake. The bunny gets the pancake.
* (post-credits:) Oh no, why would I?! I like you! You guys still sticking around? Alright well, you're welcome to stay, there's not really anymore surprises but you know. Good luck getting that song out of your head it's a real ear wig. Anyway what else uh...
** Who: [[w:Wreck-it Ralph (character)|Wreck-it Ralph]]
** Source: ''[[Ralph Breaks the Internet]]'' (2018)

== Streaming service films ==

=== Disney+ films ===

* Hey! Movie's over! Go home!
** Who: Terry
** Source: ''[[Soul (2020 film)|Soul]]'' (2020)

=== Netflix films ===

* Well, rickety biscuit.
** Who: Edmée
** Source: ''[[Arlo the Alligator Boy]]'' (2021)

* Yay! I missed you so much!
** Who: GIR
** Source: ''[[Invader Zim: Enter the Florpus]]'' (2019)

* No!
** Who: Bobby Santiago
* (in-credits:) Just the right amount of cinnamon.
** Who: Lincoln Loud
** Source: ''[[The Loud House Movie]]'' (2021)

* Whew! Hey, guys. What did I miss? ''Aaaaaahhhhh''--
** Who: Balloon Pony
* (post-credits:) Me first!
** Who: Kid Earth Pony 1
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: A New Generation]]'' (2021)

* Woo-hoo...OOF!
** Who: Hilda
** Source: ''[[Hilda and The Mountain King]]'' (2021)

* Two thousand one boogers on the wall, two thousand and one boogers... Pick one out and flick it off, two thousand and two boogers on the wall. Two thousand and two boogers on the wall, two thousand and two boogers...
** Who: Mr. Dupette
** Source: ''[[Rocko's Modern Life: Static Cling]]'' (2019)

=== Paramount+ films ===

* We just had another call asking to speak with Victor Chouce. You're quite a popular man, Victor. I wonder what all the fuss is about. Don't feel like talking, huh? You will.
** Who: Warden
** Source: ''[[South Park: Post Covid]]'' (2021)

* Remember folks, weed can't solve all your problems but tegridy can. Tegridy Weeeed.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[South Park: Post Covid: The Return of Covid]]'' (2021)

* Yeah, well, you see, ManBearPig, eventually, he gonna kill everybody. He just gonna kill you first.
** Who: Pi-Pi
** Source: ''[[South Park: The Streaming Wars]]'' (2022)

* Yeah, but that all sounds really hard. We have enough water for the summer now. Fuck it. Let's smoke some weed!
** Who: Randy Marsh
** Source: ''[[South Park: The Streaming Wars Part 2]]'' (2022)

== Animated TV specials ==

* D.W., turn that thing off!
** Who: Arthur Read
** Source: ''Arthur's Perfect Christmas'' (2000)
* Well, you kids will never believe this, but I could almost swear I saw a cat – a Cat in the Hat, mind you – going down the street with a moss-covered three-handled family gradunza!
** Who: Mother
** Source: ''[[The Cat in the Hat (TV special)|The Cat in the Hat]]'' (1971)
* C'mon, sis. Let's go talk to Mom and Dad.
** Who: Michael
** Source: ''[[Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue]]'' (1990)

* There is a story, some kids tell about when the world was ruled by an evil adult. A story about a boy, his dad, a book, and a tree. It's the true story about how I found the book of KND and what I wrote in it. Five words only. WE. ARE. KIDS. NEXT. DOOR.
** Who: Nigel Uno (Numbuh One)
** Source: ''[[Codename: Kids Next Door - Operation Z.E.R.O.]]'' (2006)

* It's taken me so many years, so many lifetimes, but at last I know where I'm going. Where I've always been going. Home, the long way round.
** Who: The [[Eleventh Doctor]]
** Source: ''[[Eleventh Doctor|Doctor Who: The Day of the Doctor]]'' (2013)

* Mr. Phillip has wished, and so I shall use my power. With a wave of my hands, I shall say, &quot;au revoir, Eiffel Tower!&quot;
** Who: Adil
** Source: ''[[Genie in the House|Genie in the House: Legend of the Dragon]]'' (2010)

* Oh, I love it, Philip, I love it too bits!
** Who: Max Baxter
** Source: ''[[Genie in the House|Genie in the House: Return to Balamkadaar]]'' (2008)

* We'll be waiting right here.
** Who: Stella Shortman
** Source: ''[[Hey Arnold!: The Jungle Movie]]'' (2017)

* Welcome, Christmas, bring your cheer. Cheer to all Whos far and near. Christmas Day is in our grasp, so as long as we have hands to clap, Christmas Day will always be just as long as we have. Welcome, Christmas. While we stand... Heart to heart... and hand to hand.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[w: How the Grinch stole Christmas|Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas]]'' (1966)

* Merry Christmas!
** Who: [[w:Santa Claus|Santa Claus]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: A Mammoth Christmas]]'' (2011)

* The ship is terrible! Not seaworthy! Bunny overboard!
** Who: [[w:List_of_Ice_Age_characters#Squint|Squint]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: The Great Egg-Scapade]]'' (2016)
** Note: Squint trying to sail away in a basket as a ship but unfortunately it sinks.

* Merry Christmas and happy Julianuary, everybody!
** Who: Mort
** Source: ''[[Merry Madagascar]]'' (2009)

* Two, three four!
** Who: River
** Source: ''My Scene: Jammin' in Jamaica'' (2004)

* To sharing secrets with the best friends anyone could ever have!
** Who: Chelsea
** Source: ''My Scene: Masquerade Madness'' (2004)

* What? It's none of your business!
** Who: Beth
** Source: ''Polly Pocket: Lunar Eclipse'' (2003)

* Still, it was mad fun!
** Who: Pia Pocket
** Source: ''Polly Pocket: 2 Cool at the Pocket Plaza'' (2005)

* Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho!
** Who: [[w:Santa Claus|Santa Claus]]
** Source: ''[[Stick Man]]'' (2015)

* Okay, next time, we're going to Mexico. OW!
** Who: Beast Boy
** Source: ''[[Teen Titans: Trouble in Tokyo]]'' (2006)

* Above all, do not lament my absence, for in my spark, I know that this is not the end, but merely a new beginning. Simply put, another transformation.
** Who: Optimus Prime
** Source: ''[[Transformers: Prime|Transformers: Prime - Predacons Rising]]'' (2013)

* First one inside gets to give him mouth to mouth!
** Who: Lee
* (post-credits:) It's the end of the movie? What movie?
** Who: Jonny 2X4
** Source: ''[[Ed, Edd n Eddy's Big Picture Show]]'' (2009)

* That night, the stars seemed to shine down on the forest with a special warm glow. Schaeffer wondered if he could have dreamt it all. Surely a star had fallen and spread magic in its path? And one special wish had come true, just now. And then Schaeffer stopped wondering, because he suddenly knew that if Broo had made it to the Evergreen Forest, then he would soon see Sophia and the Raccoons too.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Raccoons and the Lost Star]]'' (1983)

=== ''[[Futurama]]'' ===

* Well, we're boned.
** Who: Bender
** Source: ''[[Futurama: Bender's Big Score]]'' (2007)

* Because Bender knows love. And love doesn't share itself with the world. Love is suspicious, love is needy, love is fearful, love is greedy. My friends, there is no great love without great jealousy. I love you, meatbags.
** Who: Bender
** Source: ''[[Futurama: The Beast with a Billion Backs]]'' (2008)

* Faster! Faster! Slower!
** Who: Professor Farnsworth
** Source: ''[[Futurama: Bender's Game]]'' (2008)

* Go! Go!
** Who: Fry and Leela
** Source: ''[[Futurama: Into the Wild Green Yonder]]'' (2009)

=== ''[[The Jimmy Timmy Power Hour Specials]]'' ===

* GET OUT OF MY LAB!
** Who: Jimmy Neutron
** Source: ''Jimmy Timmy Power Hour'' (2004)

* Boys, boys! Please! This fighting over me has got to stop!
** Who: Cindy Vortex
** Source: ''Jimmy Timmy Power Hour 2: When Nerds Collide'' (2006)

* Okay, give him his brain back, boys.
** Who: Cindy Vortex
** Source: ''Jimmy Timmy Power Hour 3: The Jerkinators'' (2006)

=== ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls'' specials ===

* Me too!
** Who: Sour Sweet
** Source: ''Dance Magic'' (2017)

* Uh, sorry.
** Who: Human Rainbow Dash
** Source: ''Movie Magic'' (2017)

* Right.
** Who: Starlight Glimmer
** Source: ''Mirror Magic'' (2017)

* Oh, come on! Seriously?!
** Who: Human Rainbow Dash
** Source: ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Forgotten Friendship'' (2018)

* If you’re up for it.
** Who: Human Rarity
** Source: ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Rollercoaster of Friendship'' (2018)

* We’re baaaack!
** Who: Sunset Shimmer
** Source: ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Spring Breakdown'' (2019)

* Yeah, I guess it would’ve been!
** Who: Human Pinkie Pie
** Source: ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Sunset's Backstage Pass'' (2020)

=== ''[[Miraculous Ladybug]]'' ===

* Hmm.
** Who: Monk
** Source: ''[[Miraculous World: New York – United Heroez]]'' (2020)

* Coming to China, I found so much more than I'd ever hoped for: an amazing uncle, a new friend, and a new Mandarin teacher.
** Who: Marinette Dupain-Cheng
** Source: ''[[Miraculous World: Shanghai – The Legend of Ladydragon]]'' (2020)

=== ''Peanuts'' ===

* Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown!
** Who: Everyone
** Source: ''[[A Charlie Brown Christmas]]'' (1965)

* My grandmother lives in a condominium.
** Who: Charlie Brown
** Source: ''[[A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving]] (1973)

* To read Crime and Punishment by Dostoevsky. Happy New Year, Charlie Brown.
** Who: [[w:Linus van Pelt|Linus van Pelt]]
** Source: ''[[Happy New Year, Charlie Brown]]'' (1986)

* Ah...the Easter Beagle...
** Who: Lucy van Pelt
** Source: ''[[It's the Easter Beagle, Charlie Brown]]'' (1974)

* STUPID? What do you mean &quot;stupid&quot;?! Just wait till next year, Charlie Brown! You'll see! Next year at this same time, I'll find a pumpkin patch that is *real* sincere and I'll sit in that pumpkin patch until the Great Pumpkin appears. He'll rise out of that pumpkin patch and he'll fly through the air with his bag of toys. The Great Pumpkin will appear and I'll be waiting for him! I'll be there! I'll be sitting there in that pumpkin patch... and I'll see the Great Pumpkin. Just wait and see, Charlie Brown. I'll see that Great Pumpkin. I'll SEE the Great Pumpkin! Just you wait, Charlie Brown. The Great Pumpkin will appear, and I'll be waiting for him...!
** Who: Linus van Pelt
** Source: ''[[It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown]]'' (1966)

* Grandma?
** Who: Linus van Pelt
** Source: ''Happiness is a Warm Blanket, Charlie Brown'' (2011)

* Charlie Brown, get your stupid dog to stop playing this music!
** Who: Lucy van Pelt
** Source: ''[[It's the Pied Piper, Charlie Brown]]'' (2000)

=== ''Rankin/Bass'' ===

* Merry Christmas! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
** Who: Santa Claus
** Source: ''[[Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (TV special)|Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer]]'' (1964)

* Aaron's heart was filled with joy and love. And he knew at last that the hate he had carried there was wrong. As ALL hatred will ever be wrong. For more powerful, more beautiful by far than all the eons of sadness and cruelty and desolation which had come before, was that one tiny, crystalline second of laughter. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.
** Who: Our Storyteller
** Source: ''[[The Little Drummer Boy (film)|The Little Drummer Boy]]'' (1968)

* I'll be back on Christmas Day!
** Who: Frosty
** Source: ''[[Frosty the Snowman (TV special)|Frosty the Snowman]]'' (1969)

* Merry Christmas!
** Who: Children
** Source: ''[[Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town (film)|Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town]]'' (1970)

* Happy Easter Day!
** Who: Everyone
** Source: ''[[Here Comes Peter Cottontail]]'' (1971)

* Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!
** Who: Santa Claus
** Source: ''[['Twas the Night Before Christmas (1974 TV special)|'Twas the Night Before Christmas]]'' (1974)

* I dreamed unhappy things!
** Who: Santa Claus
** Source: ''[[The Year Without a Santa Claus]]'' (1974)

* And frosty, too!
** Who: Frosty and Crystal
** Source: ''[[Frosty's Winter Wonderland]]'' (1976)

* And may it be shiny, too!
** Who: Rudolph
** Source: ''[[Rudolph's Shiny New Year]]'' (1976)

* Okay!
** Who: Rudolph
** Source: ''[[Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July]]'' (1979)

* And so, the folks of Beansborough got their winter carnival after all. A tradition was saved. Summer Wheeze was permanently canned, and Mr. Twitchell decided to make sleds instead of trouble. He should have known he was no match for Mother Nature, or a little girl like Holly. Next stop: Winnipeg. Nice town, plenty of parking space, and lots of cocoa.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Frosty Returns]]'' (1992)

=== ''Marvel Rising'' franchise ===

=== ''Thomas and Friends'' specials ===

* Emily was delighted. That night, the engines talked about steamies, diesels, and airplanes, and they all agreed that Tidmouth sheds was the best place to be.
** Who: The narrator
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Calling All Engines]]'' (2005)

* But we're ALL leaders of the track!
* And he couldn't have been happier!
** Who 1: Thomas
** Who 2: The narrator
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|The Great Discovery]]'' (2008)

* I know, Thomas. Thank you.
** Who: Hiro
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Hero of the Rails]]'' (2008)

* And everyone giggled and jiggled.
** Who: The narrator
* (post-credits:) You'll be laughing on the other side of your boilers soon, silly steamies! ''(evil laugh)'' Yes...
** Who: Diesel 10
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Misty Island Rescue]]'' (2010)
** Note: The latter aforementioned line leads into the events of ''Day of the Diesels''. 

* And the two best friends giggled and jiggled with joy.
** Who: The narrator
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Day of the Diesels]]'' (2011)

* And no engine whistled louder than Thomas and Luke!
** Who: The narrator
* (in-credits:) It's me!
** Who: Rheneas
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Blue Mountain Mystery]]'' (2012)

* Knights in Shining Armor, on your mark, get set, go!
** Who: Sir Robert Norramby
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|King of the Railway]]'' (2013)

* Percy was sad to say goodbye to his new friend, but he was happy that he had his old friends beside him.
** Who: The narrator
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Tale of the Brave]]'' (2014)

* But I'm not Mr. Coffee Pot, my name is Glynn.
** Who: Glynn
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|The Adventure Begins]]'' (2015)

* One, two, threeeeeeeee!!!
** Who: Scuba divers' captain
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Sodor's Legend of the Lost Treasure]]'' (2015)

* Good idea! You ''are'' clever. Sometimes.
** Who: Ashima
* (in-credits:) OVER HERE! I'M FULL OF SURPRISES...!
** Who: Diesel
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|The Great Race]]'' (2016)

* What did I miss?
** Who: Henry
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Journey Beyond Sodor]]'' (2017)

* Thomas?
** Who: Ace
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Big World! Big Adventures!]]'' (2018)

=== ''Winnie the Pooh'' specials ===

* No worry! Take your time! Yum, yum!
** Who: Winnie the Pooh
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh and the Honey Tree]]'' (1966)

* And Piglet, too!
** Who: Piglet
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh and the Blustery Day]]'' (1968)

* Come on, everybody! Bounce!
** Who: Rabbit
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh and Tigger Too]]'' (1974)

* Of course you are. Silly old bear.
** Who: Christopher Robin
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh and a Day for Eeyore]]'' (1983)

* And so it was the most thankful day of Thanksgiving, for of all the things we've had or ever liked, the grandest thing we shall ever have is one another... or so it was said, by a bear named Winnie the Pooh.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''A Winnie the Pooh Thanksgiving'' (1998)

* And so as winter changes into spring, which changes into summer, there are things which go on forever unchanging, such as the way a certain boy cares for a certain bear. And we will know for as long as we care to remember, that somewhere in that enchanted place, on top of the forest... a boy and his bear... will always be playing.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''Winnie the Pooh: A Valentine for You'' (1999)

=== ''Winx Club'' specials ===

* I AM A FAIRY!!!
** Who: Bloom
** Source: ''Winx Club: The Fate of Bloom'' (2011)

* The Trix took the Dragon Flame!
** Who: Bloom
** Source: ''Winx Club: Revenge of the Trix'' (2011)

* I don't know, but I guess we'll find out... together.
** Who: Sky
** Source: ''Winx Club: The Battle for Magix'' (2011)

* Get over here!
** Who: Bloom
** Source: ''Winx Club: The Shadow Phoenix'' (2011)

[[Category:Last lines|Animated films]]</text>
      <sha1>lghd2vjpjnyghe43cp79ecw9qvfaqcs</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153861</id>
      <parentid>3153860</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-12T10:17:29Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:1700:F770:7B40:F8D1:1FBC:401F:5ED1</ip>
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      <comment>/* Cars film series */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="85943" xml:space="preserve">== Animated films ==

* I'm not sure, exactly. But this world is ours now. It's what we make of it.
** Who: 9
** Source: ''[[9 (2009 animated film)|9]]'' (2009)

* Stop attacking me! Why do you always have to attack me now?! Sit, stay, sit!
** Who: King Llort
** Source: ''[[A Troll in Central Park]]'' (1994)

* No laughing. I’m serious.
** Who: Nai Nai
** Source: ''[[Abominable (2019 film)|Abominable]]'' (2019)

* Man, I'm getting out of here.
** Who: [[w:Bing Crosby|Bing Crosby]]
** Source: ''[[The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad]]'' (1949)

* Bye-bye!
** Who: Rocky
** Source: ''[[The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle]]'' (2000)

* He'll be back.
** Who: Charlie B. Barkin
** Source: ''[[All Dogs Go to Heaven]]'' (1989)

* Hey, guys! I worked a little magic.
** Who: David
** Source: ''[[All Dogs Go to Heaven 2]]'' (1996)

* Buh-bye!
** Who: Fievel and Tanya Mousekewitz
** Source: ''[[An American Tail]]'' (1986)

* I think one day you'll find... that you're the hero you've been lookin'for.
** Who: Wylie
** Source: ''[[An American Tail: Fievel Goes West]]'' (1991)

* Huh? Wow!
** Who: Fievel Mousekewitz
** Source: ''[[An American Tail: The Treasure of Manhattan Island]]'' (1998)

* Sweet dreams, my little Fievel. Sweet dreams.
** Who: Mama Mousekewitz
** Source: ''[[An American Tail: The Mystery of the Night Monster]]'' (1999)

* So long, everybody.
** Who: Bartok
** Source: ''[[Anastasia (1997 film)|Anastasia]]'' (1997)

* To the animals, it now seemed that their world, which may or may not some day become a happy place to live in, was worse than ever for ordinary creatures, and another moment had come when they must do something about it...
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Animal Farm (1954 film)|Animal Farm]]'' (1954)

* There you have it. Your average 'boy-meets-girl, boy-likes-girl, boy-changes-underlying-social-order' story. So, what else can I tell you? We rebuilt the colony - it's even better than before, you know, 'cause now it has a very large indoor swimming pool. Bala and I, incidentally, are thinking of starting a family. You know, just a few kids, maybe a million or two to begin with. And I'm, I'm workin' with a new therapist, you know, terrific, absolutely terrific. He's, he's been putting me in touch with my inner maggot, which is helping me a great deal. And, you know, I finally feel like I've found my place. And you know what? It's right back where I started. But the difference is, this time I chose it.
** Who: Z
** Source: ''[[Antz]]'' (1998)

* Wait a minute. I'm the leader. I'll say when it's the end. It's the end.
** Who: Napoleon
** Source: ''[[The Aristocats]]'' (1970)

* So long, folks.
** Who: Bartok
** Source: ''[[Bartok the Magnificent]]'' (1999)

* I am.
** Who: Andrea Beaumont
** Source: ''[[Batman: Mask of the Phantasm]]'' (1993)

* Tool.
** Who: Butt-head
** Source: ''[[Beavis and Butt-head Do America]]'' (1996)

* Between you and me, I was dying to get out of that office.
** Who: Barry Benson
* (post-credits:) I had virtually no rehearsal for that.
** Who: Barry Benson
** Source: ''[[Bee Movie]]'' (2007)

* We didn't set out to be superheroes... But sometimes, life doesn't go the way you planned. The good thing is, my brother wanted to help a lot of people, and that's what we're gonna do. Who are we?
** Who: Hiro Hamada
* (post-credits:) We have a lot to talk about.
** Who: Fred's Dad
** Source: ''[[Big Hero 6]]'' (2014) 

* Nope. I've never seen him before in my life.
** Who: A pigeon
** Source: ''[[Bolt (2008 film)|Bolt]]'' (2008)

* Yep.
** Who: Doli
** Source: ''[[The Black Cauldron (film)|The Black Cauldron]]'' (1985)

* Bye!
** Who: Steve and Blue
** Source: ''[[Blue's Big Musical Movie]]'' (2000)

* Yay! They're staying! Let's do this....
** Who: Scoop
** Source: ''[[Bob The Builder: Mega Machines The Movie]]'' (2017)

* Hi there, baby sister.
** Who: Timothy's daughter
* (mid-credits:) Okay.
** Who: Mrs. Templeton
* (post-credits:) Wake up, little halflings. It's time to leave. Go and live your peasant lives. BE GONE WITH YOU!
** Who: Wizzie
** Source: ''[[The Boss Baby]]'' (2017)

* There are those who say fate is something beyond our command. That destiny is not our own, but I know better. Our fate lives within us. You only have to be brave enough to see it.
** Who: Merida
* (post-credits:) Delivery! Sign here, sign here! Come on, birdbrain! Haven't got all day!
** Who: The Crow
** Source: ''[[Brave (2012 film)|Brave]]'' (2012)

* My brother Kenai went on to live with Koda and the other bears. He taught me that love is very powerful. And I passed on the wisdom of his story to our people. The story of a boy who became a man...by becoming a bear.
** Who: Old Denahi
* (post-credits) Cut, cut. Ooh.
** Who: Koda
** Source: ''[[Brother Bear]]'' (2003)

* Present stalks! Harvester, salute!
** Who: Thorny
* (in-credits:) Spinning a web of safety in less in 15... Ow!
** Who: P.T.
** Source: ''[[A Bug's Life]]'' (1998)

* TRA-LA-LAAAAAAAA!!!
** Who: Captain Underpants/Mr. Krupp
* (in-credits:) NO!
** Who: Secretary
** Source: ''[[Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie]]'' (2017)

* Get a picture, boys. These kids will be making history!
** Who: L.B. Mammoth
* Hmph!
** Who: Darla Dimple
** Source: ''[[Cats Don't Dance]]'' (1997)

* Wilbur never forgot Charlotte. Although he loved her children and grandchildren dearly, none of the new spiders ever quite took her place in his heart. She was in a class by herself. It's not often that someone comes along who's a true friend and a good writer. Charlotte was both.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Charlotte's Web (1973 film)|Charlotte's Web]]'' (1973)

*Oh, Ace!
**Who: Movie Abby
**Source: ''[[Chicken Little (2005 film)|Chicken Little]]'' (2005)

* Hang on. Let's go over this again?
** Who: Fetcher
* (in-credits:) I don't know.
** Who: Nick
** Source: ''[[Chicken Run]]'' (2000)

* Coco!
** Who: Héctor
** Source: ''[[Coco (2017 film)|Coco]]'' (2017)

* Well, so long, glamor boy!
** Who: Jim Crow
** Source: ''[[Dumbo]]'' (1941)

* I'm so proud of you guys.
** Who: Kronk
** Source: ''[[The Emperor's New Groove]]'' (2000)

* Oh, how cute.
** Who: Yzma
** Source: ''[[Kronk's New Groove]]'' (2005)

* To kindness and love, the things we need most!
** Who: [[w:The Grinch|The Grinch]]
** Source: ''[[The Grinch (film)|Dr. Seuss' The Grinch]]'' (2018)

* Well, come on, Baggy buddy! Let's get back to where we belong. And get with the beat!
** Who: Baloo
** Source: ''[[The Jungle Book (1967 film)|The Jungle Book]]'' (1967)

* Yeah, man!
** Who: Baloo
** Source: ''[[The Jungle Book 2]]'' (2003)

* And so, all ended well for both Horton and Whos. And for all in the jungle, even Kangaroos. So let that be a lesson to one and to all. A person's a person. No matter how small.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Horton Hears a Who! (film)|Dr. Seuss' Horton Hears a Who!]]'' (2008)

* You done good, Beanpole. You done good. By the way, nice mustache.
** Who: [[w:The Lorax|The Lorax]]
** Source: ''[[The Lorax (film)|Dr. Seuss' The Lorax]]'' (2012)

* Somebody! Stop those pants!
** Who: Scrooge McDuck
** Source: ''[[DuckTales|DuckTales the Movie: Treasure of the Lost Lamp]]'' (1990)

* Aw, shit cunt!
** Who: Spanky Ham
** Source: ''[[The Drawn Together Movie: The Movie!]]'' (2010)

* Go fish.
** Who: Smiler
** Source: ''[[The Emoji Movie]]'' (2017)

* Everyone together...
* La Familia Madrigal!
** Who: Abuela Alma Madrigal
** Who 2: The Madrigals
** Source: ''[[Encanto (film)|Encanto]]'' (2021)

* Mmm... that was a good toast.
** Who: Ash
** Source: ''[[Fantastic Mr. Fox (film)|Fantastic Mr. Fox]]'' (2009)

* Yeah, forever.
** Who: Copper
** Source: ''[[The Fox and the Hound]]'' (1981)

* Yeah. Well, good night, Willie. Don't slam the roof. You might wake Mr. Bergen.
** Who: Mortimer
** Source: ''[[Fun and Fancy Free]]'' (1947)

* Enchante, Madamoiselle!
** Who: Goofy
** Source: ''[[A Goofy Movie]]'' (1995)

* You know, somehow I knew you would. Ah-yuck!
** Who: Goofy
** Source: ''[[An Extremely Goofy Movie]]'' (2000)

* Arlo!
** Who: Momma Ida
** Source: ''[[The Good Dinosaur]]'' (2015)

* From that time on, Basil and I were a close team, and over the years we had many cases together. But I shall always look back on that first with the most fondness: My introduction to Basil of Baker Street: ''The Great Mouse Detective.''
** Who: Dawson
** Source: ''[[The Great Mouse Detective]]'' (1986)

* Yeah, things are looking up around here now.
** Who: Pokey
** Source: ''[[Gumby: The Movie]]'' (1995)

* That's Phil's boy!
** Who: The Strong Man
* (post-credits:) What d'ya say? It's happy ending time! Everybody's got a little taste of something, but me! I got nothin'! I'm, I'm here with nothin'! Anybody listenin'? It's like I'm... What am I, an echo or something? Hello? Hello? Am I talking to, what, hyperspace? Hello, it's me! Nobody listens.
** Who: Hades
** Source: ''[[Hercules (1997 film)|Hercules]]'' (1997)

* Show's over, Eugene.
** Who: Gerald Johanssen
** Source: ''[[Hey Arnold!: The Movie]]'' (2002)

* Everybody smile.
** Who: Lucy Tucci
** Source: ''[[Home (2015 film)|Home]]'' (2015) 

* Don't you ever migrate?
** Who: Laverne
* (post-credits:) Good night, everybody! Whoo-hoo-hoo!
** Who: Hugo
** Source: ''[[The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1996 film)|The Hunchback of Notre Dame]]'' (1996)

* And I love Quasimodo!!
** Who: Madellaine
** Source: ''[[The Hunchback of Notre Dame II]]'' (2002)

* We've been through a lot lately, that's for sure. But we still love our girl. She has great new friends, a great new house. Things couldn't be better. After all, Riley's twelve now. What could happen?
** Who: Joy
* (in-credits:) No! Not this again!
** Who: Bus Driver's Emotions
** Source: ''[[Inside Out (2015 film)|Inside Out]]'' (2015)

* See you later.
** Who: Hogarth Hughes
** Source: ''[[The Iron Giant]]'' (1999)

* I take it back.
** Who: Jane
** Source: ''[[Is It College Yet?]]'' (2002)

* Oh!
** Who: Helen
** Source: ''[[Is It Fall Yet?]]'' (2000)

* And that is exactly what you had just seen.
** Who: Old Man
** Source: ''[[James and the Giant Peach]]'' (1996)

* Ah, the fucking autopilot's broke!
** Who: Jay
** Source: ''[[Jay &amp; Silent Bob's Super Groovy Cartoon Movie]]'' (2013)

* Onward, Mr Wiggles. We reach the cafeteria by dawn. Waaaaah!
** Who: Ms. Winifred Fowl
** Source: ''[[Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius (film)|Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius]]'' (2001)

* Listen to them, Soren. They want more stories. Well, come on, you lot. Let's not disappoint them. Ah. There's a good storm brewing. And if we're lucky, I'll be chock full of baggywrinkles.
** Who: Ezylryb
** Source: ''[[Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole]]'' (2010)

* Never too big. You will always be my Little Bear.
** Who: Mother Bear
** Source: ''[[The Little Bear Movie]]'' (2001)

* That does it, Charlie Brown! He is your dog, and you're welcome to him.
** Who: Lucy Van Pelt
** Source: ''[[Snoopy, Come Home]]'' (1972)

* Let's go, bulls!
** Who: [[w:Bill Murray|Bill Murray]]
* (post-credits:) Can l go home now?
** Who: [[w:Michael Jordan|Michael Jordan]]
** Source: ''[[Space Jam]]'' (1996)

* Th-th-th-that's all, folks!
** Who: [[w:Porky Pig|Porky Pig]]
** Source: ''[[Space Jam: A New Legacy]]'' (2021)

* Nice work. See you tomorrow!
** Who: Director
* Go home, folks.
** Who: [[w:Porky Pig|Porky Pig]]
** Source: ''[[Looney Tunes: Back in Action]]'' (2003)

* WILMA!
** Who: [[w:Fred Flintstone|Fred Flintstone]]
** Source: ''[[The Man Called Flintstone]]'' (1966)

* In the state of Texas, USA, life still goes on in the same old way. The Pecos River still flows on, but the greatest cowboy on earth is gone. Yeah, Bill went back to the coyotes, but he never forgot Sue. Every night when the moon was high, he'd lift his voice in a mournful cry, bewailing the fate of his lady fair, his long-lost love in the sky up there. So painful was his grief to see, the varmints joined in out of sympathy. That's how come, to this very day, coyotes howl at the moon that way.
** Who: Roy Rogers
** Source: ''[[Melody Time]]'' (1948)

* Bravo, my friends! Our three heroes have finally made their dream come true. I think this calls for one more song!
** Who: Troubadour
** Source: ''[[Mickey, Donald, Goofy: The Three Musketeers]]'' (2004)

* Gee, thanks for letting us share our Christmas spirit with you. [laughs] Merry Christmas, everybody!
** Who: Mickey Mouse
** Source: ''[[w:Mickey's Magical Christmas: Snowed in the House of Mouse|Mickey's Magical Christmas: Snowed in at the House of Mouse]]'' (2001)

* Aw, phooey!
** Who: Donald Duck
** Source: ''[[Mickey's House of Villains]]'' (2002)

* So in the end, love is the reason that Christmas is more than a gift-giving season. It's a time with our loved ones to show that we care, When families and neighbors come together to share. So, this Christmas season, let us all do our parts To keep Christmas spirit alive in our hearts.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: '' ''[[Mickey's Once Upon a Christmas]]'' (1999)

* So, at last, Mickey learned what he'd missed from the start. Bells and holly mean little without friends in your heart. The magic of Christmas has its rhyme and its reason. We hope you and yours have a most joyous season.
** Who: Narrator
* Ho ho ho!
** Who: Santa Claus
** Source: '' ''[[Mickey's Twice Upon a Christmas]]'' (2004)

* Welcome home!
** Who: A villager
* (post-credits:) Didn't help me though, did it? Still upside down here. Just need a little push. Can we be real? If my name was Sebastian and I had a cool Jamacian accent, you'd totally help me. You would. You know you would.
** Who: Tamatoa 
** Source: ''[[Moana (2016 film)|Moana]]'' (2016)
** Note: He is last seen after the credits, where he is still trapped and struggling to get off his shell, but to no avail. He asks the audience for assistance, and sarcastically quips that if his name was &quot;Sebastian&quot; and he had a Jamaican accent, the audience would feel happy to help him out (the reference to the supporting character of the same name from Disney's [[w:The Little Mermaid (1989 film)|The Little Mermaid]]). It is unknown if he ever got back up or if he starved.

* Wait, wait, wait, wa-wa-wait?! You were dating Derek, too?! That two-timing jerk!
** Who: B.O.B.
* (mid-credits:) Time to wave the white flag and head for the bunker, boys. Let's check the situation in 500 years! Who wants to freeze my head?
** Who: President Hathaway
** Source: ''[[Monsters vs. Aliens]]'' (2009)

* Mushu!
** Who: Great Ancestor
** Source: ''[[Mulan (1998 film)|Mulan]]'' (1998)

* Does a hero dragon deserve anything less? Draw my bath! Warm my towels! Let the pampering begin!
** Who: Mushu
** Source: ''[[Mulan II]]'' (2004)

* Okay! That is the most awesome name ever!
** Who: Pinkie Pie
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: The Movie (2017 film)|My Little Pony: The Movie]]'' (2017)

* I can't think of anything better.
** Who: Madison
** Source: ''My Scene Goes Hollywood: The Movie'' (2005)

* And the moral of our story is...
** Who: Yakko Warner
** Source: ''Wakko's Wish'' (1999)

* What a delightful scoundrel.
** Who: Winston
** Source: ''[[Oliver &amp; Company]]'' (1988)

* Whoa-ho, yeah-ha!
** Who: Barley Lightfoot
** Source: ''[[Onward (film)|Onward]]'' (2020)

* Left foot, right foot... Ah, who needs feet when you got fins! Whoo-hoo!
** Who: Tanglefoot
** Source: ''[[Ooops! Noah Is Gone...]]'' (2015)

* Oh, well. Out with the old, in with the new, huh?
** Who: Frank Detorre
** Source: ''[[Osmosis Jones]]'' (2001)

* There's a secret between you and me, Baby.
** Who: Higgins
** Source: ''[[The Outback (2012 film)|The Outback]]'' (2012)

* Shoot!
** Who: RJ
** Source: ''[[Over the Hedge]]'' (2006)

* And Liberty!
** Who: Liberty
** Source: ''[[PAW Patrol: The Movie]]'' (2021)

* Wait, wait, wait!
** Who: Phineas Flynn
** Source: ''[[Phineas and Ferb the Movie: Across the 2nd Dimension]]'' (2011)

* Well, I'll be! Ho-ho-ho! My, my! Solid gold, too. Oh, I think it's swell.
** Who: Jiminy Cricket
** Source: ''[[Pinocchio (1940 film)|Pinocchio]]'' (1940)

* Godspeed, John.
** Who: Thomas
** Source: ''[[Pocahontas (1995 film)|Pocahontas]]'' (1995)

* At one time, most of my friends could hear the bell. But as years passed, it felt silent for all of them. Even Sarah found, one Christmas, that she could no longer hear its sweet sound. Though I've grown old, the bell still rings for me. As it does for all who truly believe.
** Who: Adult Hero Boy
** Source: ''[[The Polar Express]]'' (2004)

* Sure!
** Who: Evie and Tori
** Source: ''PollyWorld'' (2006)

* Sugar, spice, and everything nice. These were the ingredients chosen to create the perfect little girl. But, Professor Utonium accidentally added an extra ingredient to the concoction. Chemical X. Thus, Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup were born. Using their ultra-super powers, they've dedicated their lives to fighting crime, and the forces of evil. And so for the very first time the day is saved thanks to... the Powerpuff Girls! Hey, that's a good name for them! Powerpuff Girls! Yeah! I like that! Wonder if ''they will?'' I'll run it by them. Powerpuff Girls! Mmm-hmm.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Powerpuff Girls Movie]]'' (2002)

* Well, I waited this long.
** Who: Charlotte LaBouff
** Source: ''[[The Princess and the Frog]]'' (2009)

* Yeah!
** Who: Background character
* (mid-credits 1) And gullible. I forgot to mention gullible.
** Who: [[w:Lucy|Lucy]]
* (mid-credits 2) A round of root beer for our hero the Flying Ace.
** Who: [[w:Marcie|Marcie]]
** Source: ''[[The Peanuts Movie]]'' (2015)

* Well done, Ayden.
** Who: Merlin
** Source: ''[[Quest for Camelot]]'' (1998)

* (theatrical version:) Rango!
** Who: The Mariachi Owls
* (extended version:) My fellow comrades. There will be times when you doubt yourself. When you feel pummeled by the catalclysms of life, remember this moment. Remember me. Know that I will be there, watching you... sometimes at inappropriate moments. That's part of the deal. And remember, that within all of us resides the true Spirit of We- Woah! Let's take it from the top.
** Who: Rango
** Source: ''[[Rango (2011 film)|Rango]]'' (2011)

* Hey, believe me, that story gets better when I tell it, okay? Come on! Bring some food over here, we're starving!
** Who: Django
** Source: ''[[Ratatouille]]'' (2007)

* Ba, welcome to Kumandra.
** Who: Raya
** Source: ''[[Raya and the Last Dragon]]'' (2021)

* Oh we're not late. We'll never going to be late again.
** Who: Rigby
** Source: ''[[Regular Show: The Movie]]'' (2015)

* Aw, phooey! Phooey!
** Who: Robert Benchley
** Source: ''[[The Reluctant Dragon (1941 film)|The Reluctant Dragon]]'' (1941)

* My name is Jack Frost, and I'm a Guardian. How do I know that? Because the Moon told me so. So when the Moon tells you something... ''believe it''.
** Who: Jack Frost
** Source: ''[[Rise of the Guardians]]'' (2012)

* Chel, we're not on the horse!
** Who: Tulio
** Source: ''[[The Road to El Dorado]]'' (2000)

* Well, folks, that's the way it really happened.
** Who: [[w:Alan-a-Dale|Allan-a-Dale]]
** Source: ''[[Robin Hood (1973 film)|Robin Hood]]'' (1973)

* Wait a minute, wait a minute! I-I-I was on the list! Come on, don't you know who I am? Wait! Whoa!
** Who: Tim the Gate Guard
** Source: ''[[Robots (2005 film)|Robots]]'' (2005)

* Hey, Edmond!
** Who: Chanticleer
** Source: ''[[Rock-a-Doodle]]'' (1991)

* As long as we're together. I'm ready to get baked and do anything.
** Who: Brenda
** Source: ''[[Sausage Party]]'' (2016)

* Thank you, Max.
** Who: Duke
* (mid-credits:) I'm home, Leonard. Were you a good boy, Leonard?
** Who: Leonard's Owner
* (post-credits:) All right, party's over!
** Who: Pops
** Source: ''[[The Secret Life of Pets]]'' (2016)

* Bye bye, momma and dada.
** Who: Liam
* (mid-credits:) Snowball, I'm back!
** Who: Molly
* (post-credits:) Okay. Moment's over.
** Who: Rooster
** Source: ''[[The Secret Life of Pets 2]]'' (2019)

* Oh, no!
** Who: Martin
** Source: ''[[The Secret of NIMH]]'' (1982)

* You got served!
** Who: The Shrimp
* Did somebody say CRAZY?!
** Who: Crazy Joe
* What you doing? Go on, get outta here! Go home! It's past your bedtime!
** Who: Mrs. Sanchez
** Source: ''[[Shark Tale]]'' (2004)

* Thanks, boy. Steady. Whoo-hoo!
** Who: Homer Simpson
* (mid-credits:) Smithers, I don't believe in suicides, but if you like to try, it would cheer me up to watch.
** Who: Mr. Burns
* (mid-credits 2:) This is Tom Hanks saying if you see me in person, please leave me be.
** Who: ''[[w:Tom Hanks|Tom Hanks]]''
* (in-credits:) Sequel?
** Who: Maggie Simpson
* (post-credits:) Four years of film school for this?
** Who: Squeaky-Voiced Teen
** Source: ''[[The Simpsons Movie]]'' (2007)

* All creatures great and small, welcome to the New Moon Theater!
** Who: Buster Moon
** Source: ''[[Sing (2016 film)|Sing]]'' (2016)

* Blue!
** Who: Merryweather
** Source: ''[[Sleeping Beauty]]'' (1957)

* Pro: if you go down there you'll meet lots of people. Con: Uh, you're not really a people person. Ugh, this is torture!
** Who: Fleem 
* (mid-credits:) Okay in 3, 2... On the next episode of... Wait am I missing a tooth?
** Who: Percy Patterson
** Source: ''[[Smallfoot (film)|Smallfoot]]'' (2018) 

* Blue cheese!
** Who: Everyone 
* (in-credits:) Am I going mad, Azrael? For the last time, get them to shut off this music!
** Who: [[w:Gargamel|Gargamel]]
** Source: ''[[Smurfs: The Lost Village]]'' (2017)

* Goodbye!
** Who: [[w:Snow White (Disney character)|Snow White]]
** Source: ''[[Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs]]'' (1937)

* Look!
** Who: Kyle Broflovski
* (post-credits:) Guys out there is hurted.
** Who: Ike Broflovski
** Source: ''[[South Park: Bigger, Longer &amp; Uncut]]'' (1999)

* I think I can handle it.
** Who: Chihiro Ogino (Sen)
** Source: ''[[Spirited Away]]'' (2001)
** Note: This line (per above) was heard in the English dub. The original Japanese dub's final line is &quot;Chihiro, let's get to our new home.&quot;

* Miles! Miles! Do you have a minute?
** Who: Gwen Stacy / Spider-Gwen
* You haven't seen pointing until I'm finished with you!
* You're accusing me of pointing while you're...!
** Who 1: Peter Parker / 1967 Spider-Man
** Who 2: Miguel O'Hara / 2099 Spider-Man
** Source: ''[[Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse]]'' (2018)

* You think you could handle them? They're not exactly easy to get along with.
** Who: Steven
** Source: ''[[Steven Universe: The Movie]]'' (2019)

* You love it.
** Who: Tulip
** Source: ''[[Storks (film)|Storks]]'' (2016)

* We did it. We really did it! Woo-hoo! Come on, guys! Yeah!
** Who: Richard
** Source: ''[[A Stork’s Journey]]'' (2017)

* Well, uh.... that's something like television. Without commercials.
** Who: Merlin
** Source: ''[[The Sword in the Stone (film)|The Sword in the Stone]]'' (1963)

* Yes, we are.
** Who: [[w:Flynn Rider|Eugene Fitzherbert]]
** Source: ''[[Tangled]]'' (2010)

* Ooo-ooo-ee-ah-ooo.
** Who: Jane Porter
** Source: ''[[Tarzan (1999 film)|Tarzan]]'' (1999)

* Woof!
** Who: Spot Helperman
** Source: ''[[Teacher's Pet (2004 film)|Teacher's Pet]]'' (2004)

* Wait, wait, wait, wait, WAIT! KIDS, ASK YOUR PARENTS WHERE BABIES COME FROM!
** Who: 2013 Robin
* (mid-credits:) This is the ''[[Teen Titans (TV series)|Teen Titans]]''! Can anyone hear us? We think we found a way back!
** Who: 2003 Robin
* Challengers! I believe we may have missed the motion picture!
** Who: Unknown Challenger
** Source: ''[[Teen Titans Go! To the Movies]]'' (2018)

* Avengers! Assemble!
** Who: James Rogers
** Source: ''Next Avengers: Heroes of Tomorrow'' (2008)

* And of course, they lived happily ever after.
** Who: Jacquimo
** Source: ''[[Thumbelina (1994 film)|Thumbelina]]'' (1994)

* We live together, we train together, we fight together, we stand for good, together. We are Ninjas. We strike hard, defend, protect and fade into the night. And there ain't no bad guy or monster gonna ever change that: That's what's important. And that's why we'll always be brothers. Oh, I love bein' a turtle.
** Who: [[w:Raphael (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Raphael]]
** Source: ''[[TMNT (film)|TMNT]]'' (2007)

* Tom! Jerry! Welcome to your new home!
** Who: Robyn Starling
** Source: ''[[Tom and Jerry: The Movie]]'' (1992)

* Til All Are One!, Till All Are One!, Till All Are One!
** Who: The Autobots
** Source: ''[[The Transformers: The Movie]]'' (1986)

* Up high!
** Who: Cloud Guy
* (in-credits:) But wait, wait, wait.
** Who: Creek
** Source: ''[[Trolls (film)|Trolls]]'' (2016)
** Note: After Poppy and the other Trolls make peace with the Bergens, Creek, along with Chef is knocked out of the Bergen castle. Chef then betrays Creek by trying to eat him, but before this can happen, both are eaten alive by a hill monster.

* Glitter!
** Who: Queen Barb
* (in-credits:) But who gonna eat my cheese balls, babe?
** Who: King Gristle, Jr.
** Source: ''[[Trolls World Tour]]'' (2020)

* And it looks like the winner is...
** Who: Sports Announcer
** Source: ''[[Turbo (film)|Turbo]]'' (2013)

* We've all got an inner beast. We've all got a messy, loud, weird part of ourselves hidden away. And a lot of us never let it out. But I did. How about you?
** Who: Mei Lee
** Source: ''[[Turning Red]]'' (2022)

* She's gonna be so excited.
** Who: Father of Moxy's owner
** Source: ''[[Uglydolls]]'' (2019)

* Another blue one.
** Who: Russell
** Source: ''[[Up (2009 film)|Up]]'' (2009)

* Cheeeeeeeeeese!
** Who: Hutch the Rabbit
** Source: ''[[Wallace &amp; Gromit in The Curse of the Were-Rabbit|Wallace &amp; Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit]]'' (2005)

* This is called farming! You kids are gonna grow all kinds of plants! Vegetable plants, pizza plants! Oh, it's good to be home!
** Who: Captain B. McCrea
** Source: ''[[WALL-E]]'' (2008)

* Gotcha!
** Who: Alex
** Source: ''[[Walking with Dinosaurs (film)|Walking with Dinosaurs]]'' (2013)

* All the world will be your enemy, Prince of a Thousand enemies. And when they catch you, they will kill you. But first they must catch you; digger, listener, runner, Prince with the swift warning. Be cunning, and full of tricks, and your people will never be destroyed.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Watership Down (film)|Watership Down]]'' (1978)

* Alright, guys, let's eat! I'm gonna do syrup and honey.
** Who: Grizzly Bear
** Source: ''[[We Bare Bears: The Movie]]'' (2020)

* Nick!
** Who: Flash
* (in-credits:) Come on! Shake your tails with me, come on! Yeah!
** Who: Gazelle
** Source: ''[[Zootopia]]'' (2016)

=== ''101 Dalmatians'' film series ===

* I'm hungry, mother.
** Who: Roley
** Source: ''[[One Hundred and One Dalmatians]]''

* Say &quot;spots!&quot;
** Who: Photographer
** Source: ''[[101 Dalmatians II: Patch's London Adventure]]''

=== ''Alvin and the Chipmunks'' animated movies'' ===
* Alvin!
** Who: Dave Seville
** Source: ''[[The Chipmunk Adventure]]'' (1987)

* How does that song go again?
** Who: Dr. Frankenstein
** Source: ''Alvin and the Chipmunks Meet Frankenstein'' (1999)

* Us? Wild?
** Who: Alvin
** Source: ''Alvin and the Chipmunks Meet the Wolfman'' (2000)

=== ''[[The Angry Birds Movie]]'' film series ===

* Guys! No!
** Who: Red
* (mid-credits:) Whoa!
** Who: Jay, Jake, and Jim
** Source: ''[[The Angry Birds Movie]]'' (2016)

* Jinx! Jinx! Jinx!
** Who: Chuck and Silver
* (in-credits:) Bye-bye.
** Who: Zoe's sister
** Source: ''[[The Angry Birds Movie 2]]'' (2019)

=== ''[[Aladdin]]'' film series ===

* Made ya look.
** Who: Genie
* (post-credits, special edition only:) You have been a fabulous audience! Tell you what, you're the best audience in the whole world. Take care of yourselves! Good night, Alice! Good night, Agrabah! Adios, amigos!
** Who: Genie
** Source: ''[[Aladdin (1992 Disney film)|Aladdin]]'' (1992)

* Does this mean I don't get my third wish?
** Who: Abis Mal
** Source: ''[[The Return of Jafar]]'' (1994)

* Wait a minute. We're not gettin' outta here, man! We're not gettin' outta here! Don't ya understand it, man? This is it, game's over, man!
** Who: Genie
** Source: ''[[Aladdin and the King of Thieves]]'' (1996)

=== ''Bambi'' film series ===

* Well, I don't believe I've ever seen a more likely looking pair of fawns. Prince Bambi ought to be mighty proud.
** Who: Friend Owl
** Source: ''[[Bambi]]'' (1942)

* Actually, I was a lot like you.
** Who: The Great Prince of the Forest
** Source: ''[[Bambi II]]'' (2006)

=== ''Barbie'' film series ===

* I always knew you could.
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie in the Nutcracker'' (2001)

* When you do that, you'll never go wrong.
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie as Rapunzel'' (2002)

* Wouldn't miss it.
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie of Swan Lake'' (2003)

* And, of course, Wolfie and Serafina lived happily ever after. Along with their many, many, many kittens.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''Barbie as The Princess and the Pauper'' (2004)

* I can't believe it! I'm flying!
** Who: Elina
** Source: ''Barbie: Fairytopia'' (2005)

* I'm trying!
** Who: Blush
** Source: ''Barbie and the Magic of Pegasus'' (2005)

* Secret seaweed, huh? Oh, that is clever of you to remember that!
** Who: Dandilion
** Source: ''Barbie Fairytopia: Mermaidia'' (2006)

* Yes, Papa. I'm finally on time for something.
** Who: Genevieve
** Source: ''Barbie in the 12 Dancing Princesses'' (2006)

* Goodbye, Elina! I know you look forward to seeing me again!
** Who: Fabien
** Source: ''Barbie Fairytopia: Magic of the Rainbow'' (2007)

* (gasps) A princess!
** Who: Tika
** Source: ''Barbie as the Island Princess'' (2007)

* Bye-bye! Whee!
** Who: A Flutterpixie
** Source: ''Barbie: Mariposa'' (2008)

* Now, where were we?
* ''[singing]'' Oh-whoa-oh. Two voices, one song...
** Who: Barbie and Teresa
** Source: ''Barbie and the Diamond Castle'' (2008)

* I think that would be amazing, Kelly.
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie in A Christmas Carol'' (2008)

* Right now, I've got somewhere else to be!
** Who: Corrinne
** Source: ''Barbie and the Three Musketeers'' (2008)
 
* Oopsie! Guess old habits die hard...girlfriend!
** Who: Raquelle
** Source: ''Barbie: A Fairy Secret'' (2011)

* Come on. I wanna introduce you to everyone!
** Who: Blair Willows/Princess Sophia
** Source: ''Barbie: Princess Charm School'' (2011)

* Merry Christmas!
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie: A Perfect Christmas'' (2011)

* Meribella! Put your hands up for me! Come on!
** Who: Keira
** Source: ''Barbie: The Princess &amp; The Popstar'' (2012)

* Come on, let's go!
** Who: Kristyn Farraday
** Source: ''Barbie In The Pink Shoes'' (2013)

* OK! Now, who's got the boarding passes?
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie and her Sisters: In a Pony Tale'' (2013)

* What on earth?
** Who: Bookhurst
** Source: ''Barbie and the Secret Door'' (2014)

* One, two, three, four!
** Who: Erika Juno
** Source: ''Barbie in Rock 'n Royals'' (2015)

* And thanks to Barbie, who was the one after all, everyone lived happily ever after.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''Barbie: Star Light Adventure'' (2016)

* How about you show me those moves?
** Who: Lindsey
** Source: ''Barbie &amp; Her Sisters in A Puppy Chase'' (2016)

* Look!
** Who: Chelsea
** Source: ''Barbie Dolphin Magic'' (2017)

* She's right. Barbie, I can't hold back any longer. I think I... wanna dance with you.
** Who: Ken
** Source: ''Barbie Princess Adventure'' (2020)

* New York! Emmie here, coming at you live from Times Square to announce the winner of the Spotlight Solo! Put your hands together for my friends, Barbie Roberts and Barbie Roberts! Otherwise known as Malibu and Brooklyn, the winners of the Spotlight Solo!
** Who: Emmie
** Source: ''Barbie: Big City, Big Dreams'' (2021)

=== ''[[w:Beauty and the Beast (franchise)|Beauty and the Beast]]'' film series ===

* Do I still have to sleep in the cupboard?
** Who: Chip Potts
** Source: ''[[Beauty and the Beast (1991 film)|Beauty and the Beast]]'' (1991)

* I'd be delighted.
** Who: Fife
** Source: ''[[w:Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas|Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas]]'' (1997)

* And it begins, uh, Lumiere, with trust. Where, with mutual respect, as I have always said all relationships must be firmly based on that. One must build on a firm foundation of trust and respect in order to flourish and flow; nourish and grow. Always attentive to the needs of the other and honesty, utter honesty is the key on which...
** Who: Cogsworth
** Source: ''[[w:Belle's Magical World|Belle's Magical World]]'' (1998)

=== ''Bratz'' film series ===

* It was original, captivating, stylized, and told me so much about each one of you. You're all getting A+'s!
** Who: Mr. Del Rio
** Source: ''Bratz: Starrin' &amp; Stylin'' (2004)

* We’re the girls..
* With the passion for fashion!
* And...
* We...
* Rock!
** Who: Jade, Cloe, Yasmin and Sasha
** Source: ''Bratz Rock Angelz'' (2005)

* Please, call me Henry, all right?
** Who: Gordon Murph
** Source: ''Bratz Babyz: The Movie'' (2006)

* So, after all that work and practice, we discovered that we were really good at a lot of different things. But, what we're best at is being best friends. By helping Anna win the contest, we all ended up winners and we felt like stars!
** Who: Sasha
** Source: ''Bratz Girlz Really Rock'' (2008)

=== ''Care Bears'' film series ===

* Care for me, Mrs. Cherrywood. Just care for me.
** Who: Mr. Cherrywood
** Source: ''[[The Care Bears Movie]]'' (1985)

* Yes, sir! Everything was back to the way it was. But, as always, it was just a little bit different, a little bit better, and a little bit more special—thanks to the Care Bears, the Care Bear Cousins, and thanks to... ''(laughs)'' Well, you all know who you are. I thank my lucky Stars that there are people out there like you who really do care. You're not afraid to share your feelings—and that, my friends, makes you all world-class Care Bear Champs!
** Who: The Great Wishing Star
** Source: ''[[Care Bears Movie II: A New Generation]]'' (1986)

* Goodbye!
** Who: The Care Bears
** Source: ''Care Bears: Journey to Joke-a-lot'' (2004)

* Twinkers, did you hear? Too Loud Bear finally got your name right!
** Who: Wish Bear
** Source: ''The Care Bears' Big Wish Movie'' (2005)

* You bet!
** Who: Cheer Bear
** Source: ''Care Bears: Oopsy Does It!'' (2007)

* Oopsy.
** Who: Oopsy Bear
** Source: ''Care Bears: To the Rescue'' (2010)

*Let's get this Giving Festival started!
** Who: Princess Starglo
** Source: ''Care Bears: The Giving Festival'' (2010)

*Later, gators, I've got stars to make!
** Who: Princess Starglo
** Source: ''Care Bears: Share Bear Shines'' (2011)

=== ''[[w:Cars (franchise)|Cars]]'' film series ===

* Yeah! Ka-chow!
** Who: Lightning McQueen
* (in-credits) Wait a minute here. They're just using the [[w:John Ratzenberger|same actor]] over and over. [[w:Pixar|What kind of a cut-rate production is this?!]]
** Who: Mack
* (post-credits:) No! There's an on-ramp close! I know it! I can feel it! Ah-ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
** Who: [[w:List_of_Cars_characters#Van and Minny|Van]]
** Source: ''[[Cars (film)|Cars]]'' (2006)

* Not if I see you first!
** Who: [[w:Mater (Cars)|Tow Mater]]
** Source: ''[[Cars 2]]'' (2011)

* Go!
** Who: Luigi
* (post-credits:) Hey, McQueen! You still there? McQueen! Ugh. Technology.
** Who: [[w:Mater (Cars)|Tow Mater]]
** Source: ''[[Cars 3]]'' (2017)

* Ha-ha, you're on!
** Who: Skipper
** Source: ''[[Planes (film)]]'' (2013)

* Ladies and gentleplanes! Turn your attention to the skies for today's featured aerial presentation! The Propwash Junction Corn Fest is proud to present the Piston Peak Air Attack team, and our very own world champion racer and firefighter, Dusty Crophopper!
** Who: Chug
* (in-credits:) Welcome to Death Valley National Park. Is it hot? ''(laughs weezily)'' Yes, it is.
** Who: Cad Spinner
* (post-credits:) Yay!
** Who: Drip
** Source: ''[[Planes: Fire &amp; Rescue]]'' (2014)

=== ''[[w:Cinderella (franchise)|Cinderella]]'' film series ===

* But, you see, I have the other slipper.
** Who: [[w:Cinderella (Disney character)|Cinderella]]
** Source: ''[[Cinderella (1950 film)|Cinderella]]'' (1950)

* Once upon a time, there was a big castle... and in this castle lived a prince and a princess...
** Who: Cinderella
** Source: ''[[Cinderella II: Dreams Come True]]'' (2002)

* And they lived happily ever after... again.
** Who: Cinderella
** Source: ''[[Cinderella III: A Twist in Time]]'' (2007)

=== ''[[w:The Croods (franchise)|The Croods]]'' film series ===

* Duh-duh-duh!
** Who: Belt and Sandy Crood
** Source: ''[[The Croods]]'' (2013)

* Dad was right after all, we were stronger together.
** Who: Eep Crood
** Source: ''[[The Croods: A New Age]]'' (2020)

=== ''[[w:DC Universe Animated Original Movies|DC Universe Animated Original Movies]]'' ===

* In other news, Gotham's mysterious defender...the Batman, was seen last night helping police apprehend the leaders...of an underworld, gun-running operation...
** Who: Summer Gleason
** Source: ''[[Batman and Mr. Freeze: Subzero]]'' (1998)
* Hi, old man.
** Who: Tim Drake
** Source: ''[[Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker]]'' (2000)
* Well, maybe an explosion now and then.
** Who: Kathy Duquesne
** Source: ''[[Batman: Mystery of the Batwoman]]'' (2003)
* If history has determined that gods can die... ...it has also proven that they may return from the dead. It would seem you can't be destroyed after all, Superman. It would seem.
** Who: Lex Luthor
** Source: ''[[Superman: Doomsday]]'' (2007)
* The pioneers gave up their safety, their comfort, and sometimes their lives to build our new west. They were determined to make the new world strong and free - an example to the world. Some would say that those struggles are all over. That all the horizons have been explored. That all the battles have been won. That there is no longer an American frontier. And we stand today on the edge of a new frontier. The frontier of unknown opportunities and perils. Beyond that frontier are uncharted areas of science. Unsolved problems of peace and war. Unconquered pockets of ignorance and prejudice. I'm asking each of you to be pioneers towards that New Frontier. My call is to the young in heart, regardless of age. Can we carry through in an age where we will witness not only new breakthroughs in weapons of destruction, but also a race for mastery of the sky and the rain, the ocean and the tides, the far side of space, and the inside of men's minds? All mankind waits upon out decision. A whole world waits to see what we shall do. And we cannot fail that trust, and we cannot fail to try.
** Who: John F. Kennedy
** Source: ''[[Justice League: The New Frontier]]'' (2008)

* Sir?
** Who: Alfred Pennyworth
** Source: ''[[Batman: Gotham Knight]]'' (2008)

* Look! It's Wonder Woman!
** Who: Little girl
** Source: ''[[Wonder Woman (2009 film)|Wonder Woman]]'' (2009)

* I've gotta go punch a clock with my other boss. I can see where this is gonna be a long commute.
** Who: Hal Jordan
** Source: ''[[Green Lantern: First Flight]]'' (2009)

* &quot;Late&quot;? Come on, it's... ...early.
** Who: Superman
** Source: ''[[Superman/Batman: Public Enemies]]'' (2009)

* I'm glad you agree. I've been thinking about a membership drive.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths]]'' (2010)

* It feels awesome! Check me out! I'm Robin, the Boy wonder! Are you kidding me? This rocks. Come on, old man, we've got bad guys who need chasing. This is the best day of my life.
** Who: Young Jason Todd/Robin
** Source: ''[[Batman: Under the Red Hood]]'' (2010)

* Hey.
** Who: Superman
** Source: ''[[Superman/Batman: Apocalypse]]'' (2010)

* He's not dead. He's up there fixing the sun. And when he's done, he'll be back.
** Who: Lois Lane
** Source: ''[[All-Star Superman (film)|All-Star Superman]]'' (2011)

* We got a new home to build. Come on. I'll tell you about the time I took on an army of Manhunters and my only backup was this squirrel.
** Who: Hal Jordan
** Source: ''[[Green Lantern: Emerald Knights]]'' (2011)

* Barbara's not crazy about the marriage counselor, but we're making progress. As for me, well, there's a real panic on. Somebody has threatened to poison the Gotham reservoir. He calls himself the Joker. I've got a friend coming who might be able to help. He should be here any minute.
** Who: Lieutenant James Gordon
** Source: ''[[Batman: Year One (film)|Batman: Year One]]'' (2011)

* I do have a plan! It's called the Justice League.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[Justice League: Doom]]'' (2012)

* Can we go so I can kiss you now?
** Who: Lois Lane
** Source: ''[[Superman vs. The Elite]]'' (2012)

* Ba-Batman... Darling!
** Who: Joker
** Source: [[Batman: The Dark Knight Returns (film)|''Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, Part One'']] (2012)

* I spent 10 years looking for a good death. This... This'll be a good life. Good enough.
** Who: Bruce Wayne
** Source: [[Batman: The Dark Knight Returns (film)|''Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, Part Two'']] (2013)

* Marry me.
** Who: Clark Kent
** Source: ''[[Superman: Unbound]]'' (2013)

* You're one helluva messenger. Thank you.
** Who: Bruce Wayne
** Source: ''[[Justice League: The Flashpoint Paradox]]'' (2013)

* The surface dwellers have killed our king. This is an act of war and they will pay.
** Who: Prince Orm
** Source: ''[[Justice League: War]]'' (2014)

* No.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[Son of Batman]]'' (2014)

* Bang.
** Who: Deadshot
** Source: ''[[Batman: Assault on Arkham]]'' (2014)

* I am Lex Luthor. I have a proposition for you.
** Who: Lex Luthor
** Source: ''[[Justice League: Throne of Atlantis]]'' (2015)

* Sometimes, Alfred... ...you have to have a little faith.
** Who: Bruce Wayne
** Source: ''[[Batman vs. Robin]]'' (2015)

* Time to look ahead, Kirk. You know what they say. The past is like another planet.
** Who: Superman
** Source: ''[[Justice League: Gods and Monsters]]'' (2015)

* Master Bruce is having a heart-to-heart with Damian. One can't help feeling bad. Despite her madness, she was his mother.
** Who: Alfred Pennyworth
** Source: ''[[Batman: Bad Blood]]'' (2016)

* Raven, release me. You're too weak to keep me in here, you filthy witch! I'll get out! I'll kill everyone you love. RAVEN!!!
** Who: Trigon
** Source: ''[[Justice League vs. Teen Titans]]'' (2016)

* Yeah, Dad, I just got back from the lacrosse game. Going to practice some Wallball this weekend. Getting pretty good. Maybe another night, Dad, I got plans tonight. I can't help it if your daughter's so popular. I'll talk to you, later. Right then, back to work.
** Who: Barbara Gordon / Oracle
** Source: ''[[Batman: The Killing Joke (film)|Batman: The Killing Joke]]'' (2016)

* Now, that's what I call making yourself useful, love.
** Who: John Constantine
** Source: ''[[Justice League Dark (film)|Justice League Dark]]'' (2017)

* I talk to the dead. For no matter how rotted the corpse, there's always a tiny wisp of life left.
** Who: Brother Blood
** Source: ''[[Teen Titans: The Judas Contract]]'' (2017)

* Aw... Ain't that a shame? Wendel is headed back to his crummy house and all those cats without getting the help he so desperately needs. Oh, well, that's it for today's show. Till next time, folks. Be good to yourselves. 'Cause everyone else in the world is probably out to get you. Bye-bye!
** Who: Dr. Harleen Quinzel
** Source: ''[[Batman and Harley Quinn]]'' (2017)

* It was all phony anyway. We'll make something new. Something better.
** Who: Dickie
** Source: ''[[Batman: Gotham by Gaslight]]'' (2018)

* I'll be seeing you, Waller. Maybe in heaven.
** Who: Deadshot
** Source: ''[[Suicide Squad: Hell to Pay]]'' (2018)

* Superman?
** Who: Jimmy Olsen
** Source: ''[[The Death of Superman (film)|The Death of Superman]]'' (2018)

* Okay, who left the front door open?
** Who: Green Lantern
** Source: ''[[Reign of the Supermen (film)|Reign of the Supermen]]'' (2019)

* Jessica Cruz. It's an honor.
** Who: Brainiac 5
** Source: ''[[w:Justice League vs. the Fatal Five|Justice League vs. the Fatal Five]]'' (2019)

* Someday.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[w:Batman: Hush (film)|Batman: Hush]]'' (2019)

* You think I'm intimidated? I've won. I'm coming for you, Wonder Woman. Do you hear me, Wonder Woman? I am coming for you!
** Who: Veronica Cale
** Source: ''[[w:Wonder Woman: Bloodlines|Wonder Woman: Bloodlines]]'' (2019)

* I kind of like that last option.
** Who: Lois Lane
** Source: ''[[w:Superman: Red Son (film)|Superman: Red Son]]'' (2020)

* And some of those changes may be shite. And we may make the same mistakes again. It won't be perfect... but it'll be a long sight better than what we got now.
** Who: John Constantine
** Source: ''[[w:Justice League Dark: Apokolips War|Justice League Dark: Apokolips War]]'' (2020)

=== ''[[w:Despicable Me (franchise)|Despicable Me]]'' film series ===

* No, I'm fine. Go ahead. No, no, no!
** Who: Gru
* (post-credits:) I am Gru. Back to work! Back to work! Back to...
** Who: Kevin
** Source: ''[[Despicable Me]]'' (2010)

* I'M SO HAPPY!!!
** Who: Agnes Gru
** Source: ''[[Despicable Me 2]]'' (2013)

* Come on, He's my brother. We'll give him a 5 minute head start.
** Who: Felonious Gru
** Source: ''[[Despicable Me 3]]'' (2017)

* FREEZE RAY!!!
** Who: Felonious Gru
** Source: ''[[Minions (film)|Minions]]'' (2015)

=== ''[[w:Fantasia (franchise)|Fantasia]]'' film series ===

* The last number in our ''Fantasia'' program is a combination of two pieces of music so utterly different in construction and mood that they set each other off perfectly. The first is ''A Night On Bald Mountain'', by one of Russia's greatest composers, Modest Mussorgsky. The second is Franz Schubert's world-famous ''Ave Maria''. Musically and dramatically, we have here a picture of the struggle between the profane and the sacred. Bald Mountain, according to tradition, is the gathering place of Satan and his followers. Here on ''Walpurgisnacht'', which is the equivalent of our own Halloween, the creatures of evil gather to worship their master. Under his spell, they dance furiously until the coming of dawn and the sounds of church bells send the infernal army slinking back into their abodes of darkness. And then we hear the Ave Maria, with its message of the triumph of hope and life over the powers of despair and death.
** Who: [[w:Deems Taylor|Deems Taylor]]
** Source: ''[[Fantasia (1940 film)|Fantasia]]'' (1940)

* Camera back on me. Uh, camera back on me, please. Anyone? Hello? Hello? Could someone give me a ride home?
** Who: [[Steve Martin]]
** Source: ''[[Fantasia 2000]]'' (2000)

=== ''[[w:Finding Nemo (franchise)|Finding Nemo]]'' film series ===

* Bye, son.
** Who: Marlin
* (pre-credits:) Now what?
** Who: Bloat
** Source: ''[[Finding Nemo]]'' (2003)

* Yep. Unforgettable.
** Who: Dory
* (post-credits:) Now what?
** Who: Bloat
** Source: ''[[Finding Dory]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:Frozen (franchise)|Frozen]]'' film series ===

* That's it. Glide and pivot. Glide and pivot.
** Who: Olaf
** Source: ''[[Frozen (2013 film)|Frozen]]'' (2013)

* Ready?
** Who: Elsa
* (post-credits:) Oh. We live! WE LIVE!!! Good story.
** Who: Marshmallow 
** Source: ''[[Frozen II]]'' (2019)

=== ''[[w:Happy Feet (franchise)|Happy Feet]]'' film series ===

* Gracias.
** Who: Ramón
** Source: ''[[Happy Feet]]'' (2006)

* Ja, The Svened.
** Who: The Mighty Sven
** Source: ''[[Happy Feet Two]]'' (2011)

=== ''[[w:Hotel Transylvania (franchise)|Hotel Transylvania]]'' film series ===

* Alright, maybe just a little.
** Who: Dracula
* (in-credits) I didn't do that.
** Who: Elderly Gremlin
** Source: ''[[Hotel Transylvania|Hotel Transylvania]]'' (2012)

* I didn't do that.
** Who: Elderly Gremlin
** Source: ''[[Hotel Transylvania 2]]'' (2015)

* Yes!
** Who: Ericka van Helsing
** Source: ''[[Hotel Transylvania 3: Summer Vacation]]'' (2018)

=== ''[[w:Hoodwinked!|Hoodwinked!]]'' film series ===

* I always did like happy endings.
** Who: Red Puckett
** Source: ''[[Hoodwinked!]]'' (2005)

* Hey, girls. Let's call it a night.
** Who: Twitchy
** Source: ''[[Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil]]'' (2011)

=== ''[[w:How to Train Your Dragon|How to Train Your Dragon]]'' film series ===

* This is Berk. It snows nine months of the year and hails the other three. Any food that grows here is tough and tasteless. The people that grow here are even more so. The only upsides are the pets. While other places have ponies or parrots... we have... dragons!
** Who: Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III
** Source: ''[[How to Train Your Dragon (film)|How to Train Your Dragon]]'' (2010)

* This... is Berk. A bit trampled and busted and covered in ice, but it's home. It's our home. Those who attacked us are relentless and crazy. But those who stopped them? Oh, even more so! We may be small in numbers, but we stand for something bigger than anything the world can pit against us. We are the voice of peace. And bit by bit, we will change this world. You see, we have something they don't. Oh sure, they have armies and they have armadas... But we... we have... OUR DRAGONS!
** Who: Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III
** Source: ''[[How to Train Your Dragon 2]]'' (2014)

* Legend says that when the ground quakes or lava spews from the earth, it's the dragons letting us know they're still here. Waiting for us to figure out how to get along. Yes, the world believes the dragons are gone, if they ever existed at all. But we Berkians, we know otherwise. And we'll guard this secret until the time comes when dragons can return in peace.
** Who: Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III
** Source: ''[[How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World]]'' (2019)

=== ''[[w:Ice Age (franchise)|Ice Age]]'' film series ===

* No, really...
** Who: [[w:List_of_Ice_Age_characters#Sid|Sid]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age (2002 film)|Ice Age]]'' (2002)

* Calm down! I saved you, little buddy! Remember!?
** Who: [[w:List_of_Ice_Age_characters#Sid|Sid]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: The Meltdown]]'' (2006)

* That's right, sweetheart. Welcome to the Ice Age.
** Who: [[w:List_of_Ice_Age_characters#Ellie|Ellie]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs]]'' (2009)

* No! Stop! Brother, rise above this base desire. Be more than a rodent.
** Who: Ariscratle
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: Continental Drift]]'' (2012)

* Mars: the red planet. Cold... dry... inhospitable to life. But billions and billions of years ago, Mars looked like this. There were lakes, rivers, oceans... the perfect conditions for life to form. So, what happened? Why was life unable to take hold? Where did the water go? We may never know.
** Who: [[w:List_of_Ice_Age_characters#Neil deBuck Weasel|Neil deBuck Weasel]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: Collision Course]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:The Incredibles (franchise)|The Incredibles]]'' film series ===

* Behold, the Underminer! I am always beneath you, but nothing is beneath me! I hereby declare war on peace and happiness! Soon, all will tremble before me!
** Who: The Underminer
** Source: ''[[The Incredibles]]'' (2004)

* Stop! Let us out! Here, large popcorn, small soda. Save me a seat. Center, about eight rows back. I'll be back before the previews are over!
** Who: [[w:Violet Parr|Violet Parr]]
** Source: ''[[Incredibles 2]]'' (2018)

=== ''[[Kim Possible]]'' film series ===

* No idea why I said that!
** Who: Ron Stoppable
** Source: ''[[Kim Possible: A Sitch in Time]]'' (2003)

* It finally happened! She's dating that loser! Kim Possible and Ron Stoppable are dating!? ''(Laughs loudly)''
** Who: Bonnie Rockwaller
** Source: ''[[Kim Possible Movie: So the Drama]]'' (2005)

=== ''[[w:Kung Fu Panda (franchise)|Kung Fu Panda]]'' film series ===

* Yeah.
** Who: [[w:List_of_Kung_Fu_Panda_characters#Master Shifu|Master Shifu]]
** Source: ''[[Kung Fu Panda]]'' (2008)

* My son is alive...
** Who: [[w:List_of_Kung_Fu_Panda_characters#Li Shan|Li Shan]]
** Source: ''[[Kung Fu Panda 2]]'' (2011)

* Panda Asthma.
** Who: [[w:List_of_Kung_Fu_Panda_characters#Li Shan|Li Shan]]
** Source: ''[[Kung Fu Panda 3]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:Lady and the Tramp|Lady and the Tramp]]'' film series ===

* Huh? I haven't? Well, uh, as Old Reliable used to say... He'd say, uh, uh... He'd say, uh, uh... Doggone. You know, I clean forgot what it was he used to say!
** Who: Trusty
** Source: ''[[Lady and the Tramp]]'' (1955)

* Angel!
** Who: Junior
** Source: ''[[Lady and the Tramp II: Scamp's Adventure]]'' (2001)

=== ''[[w:The Land Before Time (franchise)|The Land Before Time]]'' film series ===

* And they all grew up together in the valley, generation upon generation, each passing on to the next. The tale of their ancestors' journey to the valley, long ago.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time]]'' (1988)

* But I still can't wait to grow up.
** Who: Littlefoot
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time II: The Great Valley Adventure]]'' (1994)

* And so, as it turned out, the dinosaurs traveled from green spot to green spot, eating their fill, each helping the others to find what they needed, each learning the special kind of joy, which comes from giving to others. And in the years to come, this story of sharing was told over and over again, until it became known as: &quot;The Time of the Great Giving.&quot;
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time III: The Time of the Great Giving]]'' (1995)

* And so, it came to pass that the migrating dinosaurs left the Great Valley for lands unknown. And yes, Littlefoot and his friends, Cera, Ducky, Petrie and Spike, would indeed meet Ali again one day. But that's another story.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time IV: Journey Through the Mists]]'' (1996)

* It's great to be home.
** Who: Cera
** ''[[The Land Before Time V: The Mysterious Island]]'' (1997)

* And so, another myth was born. It would change with each retelling. And even now, who knows how this one will end.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time VI: The Secret of Saurus Rock]]'' (1998)

* Oh, no! Oh, no! But we are plenty smart, right, Spike?
* Uh-huh.
** Who 1: Ducky
** Who 2: Spike
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time VII: The Stone of Cold Fire]]'' (1999)

* The families would be happy here until the Great Circle began to warm the land once more, melting the white ground sparkles and allowing new life to spring up, turning the earth green again. Then they could return to the Great Valley, where they could all get a good night's sleep, even Ducky.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time VIII: The Big Freeze]]'' (2001)

* This adventure was at an end. Still, Littlefoot, Cera, Ducky, Petrie and Spike knew in their hearts that there would be many more adventures yet to come.
** Who: Narrator
** Source:''[[The Land Before Time IX: Journey to Big Water]]'' (2002)

* I just have one question. Do we HAVE to go back through the swamp?
** Who: Ducky
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time X: The Great Longneck Migration]]'' (2003)

* And every nibbling day, the dinosaurs of the Great Valley gathered to celebrate these small things of life which mattered so much.
* Got you!
** Who 1: Narrator
** Who 2: Petrie
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time XI: Invasion of the Tinysauruses]]'' (2005)

* Many changes had occurred on this day of changes. And many more would follow. The dinosaur families understood this. They knew that change was a part of life in the Great Valley.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time XII: The Great Day of the Flyers]]'' (2006)

* In their journey to Berry Valley, the young dinosaurs had discovered that wisdom came in many different forms. And they knew that more lessons lay before them as they grew in the land before time.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time XIII: The Wisdom of Friends]]'' (2007)

* Littlefoot had found his father. And he found something else, too... Something he wasn't looking for. The realization that he and his friends would always be together... till the end of their days... in the Land Before Time.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time XIV: Journey of the Brave]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:The Lego Movie (franchise)|The Lego Movie]]'' film series ===

* Oh, man.
** Who: Emmet Brickowski
** Source: ''[[The Lego Movie]]'' (2014)

* Wow, that was fun! Really hope nobody was recording that. Let me see. Oh, this thing is on. This thing is recording.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[The Lego Batman Movie]]'' (2017)

* B mark.
** Who: Director
** Source: ''[[The Lego Ninjago Movie]]'' (2017)

* An original album of ''Everything is Awesome''?! Wait a minute. Is that...? 
** Who: Emmet Brickowski
** Source: ''[[The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part]]'' (2019)

=== ''[[w:Lilo &amp; Stitch (franchise) (franchise)|Lilo &amp; Stitch]]'' film series ===

* Wait.
** Who: Stitch
** Source: ''[[Lilo &amp; Stitch]]'' (2002)

* And with 626, they make one hotshot evil genius experiment-catching team!
** Who: Jumba Jookiba
* (post-credits:) I'll get the wig.
** Who: Wendy Pleakley
** Source: ''[[Stitch! The Movie]]'' (2003)

* Mom would be so proud of you.
** Who: Nani Pelekai
** Source: ''[[Lilo &amp; Stitch 2: Stitch Has a Glitch]]'' (2005)

* Aloha!
** Who: The Pelekai ''ʻohana'': Lilo Pelekai, Stitch, Nani Pelekai, David Kawena, Jumba Jookiba, Wendy Pleakley, Mertle Edmonds, and many of Jumba's genetic experiments (Stitch's &quot;cousins&quot;)
** Source: ''[[Leroy &amp; Stitch]]'' (2006)

=== ''[[w:The Lion King (franchise)|The Lion King]]'' film series ===

* Remember...
** Who: Mufasa's Ghost
** Source: ''[[The Lion King]]'' (1994)

* Well done, my son. We are one.
** Who: Mufasa's Ghost
** Source: ''[[The Lion King II: Simba's Pride]]'' (1998)

* Uh, Timon? I still don't do so well in crowds.
** Who: Pumbaa
** Source: ''[[The Lion King 1½]]'' (2004)

=== ''[[w:The Little Mermaid (franchise)|The Little Mermaid]]'' film series ===

* I love you, daddy.
** Who: Ariel
** Source: ''[[The Little Mermaid (1989 film)|The Little Mermaid]]'' (1989)

* Hi.
** Who: Melody
** Source: ''[[The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea]]'' (2000)

* That's my girl. Samba? Ooh-wa, ooh-wa! 
** Who: Benjamin
** Source: ''[[The Little Mermaid: Ariel's Beginning]]'' (2008)

=== ''[[w:Madagascar (franchise)|Madagascar]]'' film series ===

* Nah. Just smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave.
** Who: Skipper
** Source: ''[[Madagascar (2005 film)|Madagascar]]'' (2005)

* Shake 'em. Shake 'em. Shake 'em. Shake 'em...
** Who: King Julian XII
** Source: ''[[Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa]]'' (2008)

* Hey, Skipper, what did you end up doing with the crazy lady, anyway?
** Who: Alex
** Source: ''[[Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted]]'' (2012)

* You know, if I'm being honest, I expected a little more... pizzazz! Yes! Now, that's pizzazz!
** Who: King Julian XII
** Source: ''[[Penguins of Madagascar]]'' (2014)

=== ''[[w:Monsters, Inc. (franchise)|Monsters, Inc.]]'' film series ===

* Kitty!
** Who: Boo
** Source: ''[[Monsters, Inc.]]'' (2001)

* You better believe it.
** Who: Mike Wazowski
* (post-credits:) Great.
** Who: Student Slug Monster
** Source: ''[[Monsters University]]'' (2013)

=== ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls'' film series ===

* Just a hunch.
** Who: Pinkie Pie
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Equestria Girls]]'' (2013)

* One! Two! Three! Four!
** Who: Human Pinkie Pie
* (post-credits:) No doubt about it, Spike, there's definitely something strange going on at that school.
** Who: Human Twilight Sparkle (Sci-Twi)
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Rainbow Rocks]]'' (2014)

* Make that the ''second'' strangest.
** Who: Princess Twilight Sparkle
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Friendship Games]]'' (2015)

* Where did the magic that hit this cave come from?
** Who: Sunset Shimmer
* (post-credits:) Let's celebrate!
** Who: Human Pinkie Pie
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Legend of Everfree]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:The Nut Job|The Nut Job]]'' film series ===

* Any more big ideas? Please stay.
** Who: Norvirus Raccoon
** Source: ''[[The Nut Job]]'' (2014)
** Note: A mid-credits scene reveals that Raccoon and Cardinal survived and were drifted out to sea, but sharks now surround them, leaving their fate ambiguous.

* Ride, Precious! Ride! Hiyah!
** Who: Surly
** Source: ''[[The Nut Job 2: Nutty by Nature]]'' (2017)

=== ''[[w:Open Season (franchise)|Open Season]]'' film series ===

* Wait, wait. No. No. No!
** Who: Shaw
** Source: ''[[Open Season]]'' (2006)

* Come on!
** Who: Elliot
** Source: ''[[Open Season 2]]'' (2009)

* Boop!
** Who: Allistar
** Source: ''[[Open Season 3]]'' (2011)

* No.
** Who: Boog
** Source: ''[[Open Season: Scared Silly]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:The Rescuers|The Rescuers]]'' film series ===

* I sure wish we'd have taken the train.
** Who: Bernard
** Source: ''[[The Rescuers]]'' (1977)

* Help! Anybody! Bernard! Bianca! Where are you? Okay, that's it, I'm out of here. This is ridiculous. You can't leave me here alone. I'm gone! I am gone. Oh. Aw, no, stay in those eggs! That's a direct order! Oh. Hey, you're kind of a cute little feller. Coochy, coochy... Yeowww! Whoa! Ohhh!
** Who: Wilbur
** Source: ''[[The Rescuers Down Under]]'' (1990)

=== ''[[w:Rio (franchise)|Rio]]'' film series ===

* That's my big brave boy.
** Who: Linda Gunderson
* (in-credits:) I love you, Rio!
** Who: Luiz
** Source: ''[[Rio (film)|Rio]]'' (2011)

* That's the end?
** Who: Pedro
** Source: ''[[Rio 2]]'' (2014)

=== ''Rugrats'' film series ===

* Way to go, Dilly!
** Who: Tommy Pickles, Chuckie Finster, Phil and Lil Deville
** Source: ''[[The Rugrats Movie]]'' (1998)

* Well, Tommy. I guess this is the way things are gonna be from now on.
** Who: Chuckie Finster
** Source: ''[[Rugrats in Paris: The Movie]]'' (2000)

* Well, Eliza, as dog is my witness, I'll never lose my babies again!
** Who: Spike the Dog
** Source: ''[[Rugrats Go Wild]]'' (2003)

=== ''[[w:Shrek (franchise)|Shrek]]'' film series ===

* Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe.
** Who: [[w:Donkey (Shrek)|Donkey]]
** Source: ''[[Shrek]]'' (2001)

* Hey Donkey, that's Spanish!
** Who: [[w:Puss in Boots (Shrek)|Puss in Boots]]
* (mid-credits:) Look at our little mutant babies! I gotta get a job!
** Who: [[w:Donkey (Shrek)|Donkey]]
** Source: ''[[Shrek 2]]'' (2004)

* I got it.
** Who: [[w:Shrek (character)|Shrek]]
** Source: ''[[Shrek the Third]]'' (2007)

* No, it was ''you'' that rescued ''me.''
** Who: [[w:Shrek (character)|Shrek]]
** Source: ''[[Shrek Forever After]]'' (2010)

* This is the story of a cat who became a hero. An outlaw dedicated to justice and a lover of beautiful woman. A great, great lover. Really, it is crazy. I am Puss in Boots! And my name would become legend.
** Who: [[w:Puss in Boots (Shrek)|Puss in Boots]]
* (in-credits:) Oh!
** Who: Oh Cat
** Source: ''[[Puss in Boots (2011 film)|Puss in Boots]]'' (2011)

=== ''[[w:SpongeBob SquarePants (film series)|SpongeBob SquarePants]]'' film series ===

* Are you crazy? I was just gonna tell you that your fly is down. Manager! This is the greatest day of my life!!!
** Who: SpongeBob SquarePants
* (post credits:) Okay.
** Who: Captain Bart the Pirate
** Source: ''[[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie]]'' (2004)

* See you later, te-ammate!
** Who: [[w:SpongeBob SquarePants (character)|SpongeBob SquarePants]]
* That was pretty good actually.
** Who: Bubbles
* (in-credits:) You know what this needs? A little interpretive dance!
** Who: [[w:Squidward Tentacles|Squidward Tentacles]]
** Source: ''[[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water]]'' (2015)

* Order up!
** Who: [[w:SpongeBob SquarePants (character)|SpongeBob SquarePants]]
** Source: ''[[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge on the Run]]'' (2020)

=== ''[[w:Surf's Up (film)|Surf's Up]]'' film series ===

* Cody would never do this.
** Who: Edna Maverick
** Source: ''[[Surf's Up]]'' (2007)

* Okay, That's a wrap on this episode of &quot;Are they still cool? Surf Edition&quot;. Aaaand cut.
** Who: Announcer
** Source: ''[[Surf's Up 2: WaveMania]]'' (2017)

=== ''[[w:Toy Story (franchise)|Toy Story]]'' film series ===

* Oh, what is it? What is it? Wow! A puppy!
** Who: Andy Davis
** Source: ''[[Toy Story]]'' (1995)

* Besides, when it all ends, I'll have old Buzz Lightyear to keep me company - for infinity and beyond.
** Who: Woody
* Yeah!
** Who: Wheezy
* (outtakes:) A little break, okay. Phew.
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''[[Toy Story 2]]'' (1999)

* So long, partner. Oh hey, Buzz! You haven't met Bonnie's toys yet! 
** Who: Woody
* (in-credits:) Just go with it, Buzz.
** Who: Jessie
** Source: ''[[Toy Story 3]]'' (2010)

* He's not lost. Not anymore. To infinity...
* ...and beyond.
** Who 1: Buzz Lightyear
** Who 2: Woody
* (mid-credits 1:) Oh yeah. Leave it to us, Jermiah.
** Who: Ducky
* (mid-credits 2:) Yeah. We know exactly what to do.
** Who: Bunny
* (mid-credits 3:) Whoa.
** Who: Duke Caboom
* (mid-credits 4:) I don't know.
** Who: Forky
* (post-credits:) Caboom! Yes.
** Who: Duke Caboom
** Source: ''[[Toy Story 4]]'' (2019)

* To infinity...
* ...and beyond.
** Who 1: Izzy Hawthorne
** Who 2: Buzz Lightyear
* (mid-credits:) [laughs] Laser Shield.
**Who: Commander Burnside
*(post-credits:) Ask the bromite swamps, a breathtaking sight or so I am told, but if you're in a hurry, this would be your most direct route. Any questions? Hello? Oh...
**Who: E.R.I.C.
** Source: ''[[Lightyear (film)|Lightyear]]'' (2022)

=== ''[[Winnie the Pooh]]'' film series ===

* Wherever they go, and whatever happens to them on the way, in their enchanted place on top of the forest, a little bear will always be waiting.
** Who: The narrator
** Source: ''[[The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh]]'' (1977)

* Yes, Piglet. It's the least we could do... for a very small Piglet who's done such very big things. Thank you, Piglet.
** Who: Pooh
** Source: ''[[Piglet's Big Movie]]'' (2003)

* And so it is here we shall leave them. And here we shall find them again. For the boy and the bear will always be together in this remarkable place called the Hundred Acre Wood.
** Who: The narrator
** Source: ''[[Pooh's Grand Adventure: The Search for Christopher Robin]]'' (1997)

* You know, we never really did capture a Heffalump that day. It was more like... like Lumpy captured all of us.
** Who: Pooh
** Source: ''[[Pooh's Heffalump Movie]]'' (2005)

* You were right! I love Hallowoon! Hallow-woo... Hallow... Oh, whatever. As long as we're together!
** Who: Lumpy
** Source: ''[[Pooh's Heffalump Halloween Movie]]'' (2006)

* Look this way, everybody. Closer. Smile!
** Who: Christopher Robin
** Source: ''[[The Tigger Movie]]'' (2000)

* Silly old bear.
** Who: Christopher Robin
* (post-credits:) Wow! It's amazing what you can find in the woods. A marble! And a boot! And oh, my, that's a scary-lookin' fella. Gosh! Maybe these are his things. You know, I better pick 'em up so they won't get broken. That's the last thing I would want. Whoa!  Oh, my gosh! Is this a pit? I think I'm in a pit! Hello? Anybody up there? Oh, well. I sure hope that fella will be back soon.
** Who: The Backson
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh (film)|Winnie the Pooh]]'' (2011)
** Note: He comes out of the scary woods and proves to be real but instead of being a monstrous beast, he is actually very kind and the bait Pooh and the other left for him he decided to pick them up to return to them but falls into the pit as planned. He decides to wait for someone to help him out and hopes he'll be back soon.

* And so another Christmas came and went in the Hundred Acre Wood. It had been a joyous season of giving for all our friends, but especially for a little bear named Winnie the Pooh.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh: Seasons of Giving]]'' (1999)

* Not bad! But it could've used a few more jingly bells.
** Who: Tigger
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh: A Very Merry Pooh Year]]'' (2002)

* BBFN: Bye-Bye For Now!
** Who: Roo
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh: Springtime With Roo]]'' (2004)

=== ''[[Winx Club]]'' film series ===

* And thus, the fairy that was searching for her origins learned to believe in herself, and to trust the people she loved. She stayed true to herself, and to what she believed in, and won her greatest battle, saving her kingdom, freeing her people, and reuniting her family, and finally becoming a true guardian fairy. And now written in the Book of Fate, there's a new Company of Light... the Winx!
** Who: Bartelby (Dubbing Brothers)
* And so, the most strong-willed of all fairies overcame the greatest challenge. She learned to believe in herself and trust the people she loved. She stayed true to what was in her heart and in doing so she saved a kingdom, freed her people, and reunited her long-lost family. And finally, she became a true Guardian Fairy. And now written in the Book of Fate, there's a new Company of Light, called... the Winx!
** Who: Bartelby (Atlas Oceanic)
* (pre-credits:) And soon we'll loop their stupid little fairy wings right off their bodies!
** Who: Icy (Dubbing Brothers)
* (pre-credits:) And soon we reap their weak little fairy wings right of their bodies!
** Who: Icy (Atlas Oceanic)
** Source: ''[[Winx Club: The Secret of the Lost Kingdom]]'' (2007)

* Daddy...
** Who: Bloom
* (post-credits:) Ta-da!!!
** Who: Stella
** Source: ''[[Winx Club 3D: Magical Adventure]]'' (2010)

* Kiko... Thank you! I'm really dying for an ice cream!
** Who: Sky
** Source: ''[[Winx Club: The Mystery of the Abyss]]'' (2014)

=== ''[[w:Wreck-It Ralph (franchise)|Wreck-It Ralph]]'' film series ===

* But I gotta say, the best part of my day is when I get thrown off the roof. Because when the Nicelanders lift me up, I get a perfect view of Sugar Rush, and I can see Vanellope racing. The kid's a natural, the players love her, glitch and all, just like I knew they would. Turns out I don't need a medal to tell me I'm a good guy. Because if that little kid likes me... how bad can I be?
** Who: [[w:Wreck-it Ralph (character)|Wreck-it Ralph]]
** Source: ''[[Wreck-It Ralph]]'' (2012)

* Come on Felix, let's get to work, buddy.
* (mid-credits:) No, the kitty gets the milkshake. The bunny gets the pancake.
* (post-credits:) Oh no, why would I?! I like you! You guys still sticking around? Alright well, you're welcome to stay, there's not really anymore surprises but you know. Good luck getting that song out of your head it's a real ear wig. Anyway what else uh...
** Who: [[w:Wreck-it Ralph (character)|Wreck-it Ralph]]
** Source: ''[[Ralph Breaks the Internet]]'' (2018)

== Streaming service films ==

=== Disney+ films ===

* Hey! Movie's over! Go home!
** Who: Terry
** Source: ''[[Soul (2020 film)|Soul]]'' (2020)

=== Netflix films ===

* Well, rickety biscuit.
** Who: Edmée
** Source: ''[[Arlo the Alligator Boy]]'' (2021)

* Yay! I missed you so much!
** Who: GIR
** Source: ''[[Invader Zim: Enter the Florpus]]'' (2019)

* No!
** Who: Bobby Santiago
* (in-credits:) Just the right amount of cinnamon.
** Who: Lincoln Loud
** Source: ''[[The Loud House Movie]]'' (2021)

* Whew! Hey, guys. What did I miss? ''Aaaaaahhhhh''--
** Who: Balloon Pony
* (post-credits:) Me first!
** Who: Kid Earth Pony 1
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: A New Generation]]'' (2021)

* Woo-hoo...OOF!
** Who: Hilda
** Source: ''[[Hilda and The Mountain King]]'' (2021)

* Two thousand one boogers on the wall, two thousand and one boogers... Pick one out and flick it off, two thousand and two boogers on the wall. Two thousand and two boogers on the wall, two thousand and two boogers...
** Who: Mr. Dupette
** Source: ''[[Rocko's Modern Life: Static Cling]]'' (2019)

=== Paramount+ films ===

* We just had another call asking to speak with Victor Chouce. You're quite a popular man, Victor. I wonder what all the fuss is about. Don't feel like talking, huh? You will.
** Who: Warden
** Source: ''[[South Park: Post Covid]]'' (2021)

* Remember folks, weed can't solve all your problems but tegridy can. Tegridy Weeeed.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[South Park: Post Covid: The Return of Covid]]'' (2021)

* Yeah, well, you see, ManBearPig, eventually, he gonna kill everybody. He just gonna kill you first.
** Who: Pi-Pi
** Source: ''[[South Park: The Streaming Wars]]'' (2022)

* Yeah, but that all sounds really hard. We have enough water for the summer now. Fuck it. Let's smoke some weed!
** Who: Randy Marsh
** Source: ''[[South Park: The Streaming Wars Part 2]]'' (2022)

== Animated TV specials ==

* D.W., turn that thing off!
** Who: Arthur Read
** Source: ''Arthur's Perfect Christmas'' (2000)
* Well, you kids will never believe this, but I could almost swear I saw a cat – a Cat in the Hat, mind you – going down the street with a moss-covered three-handled family gradunza!
** Who: Mother
** Source: ''[[The Cat in the Hat (TV special)|The Cat in the Hat]]'' (1971)
* C'mon, sis. Let's go talk to Mom and Dad.
** Who: Michael
** Source: ''[[Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue]]'' (1990)

* There is a story, some kids tell about when the world was ruled by an evil adult. A story about a boy, his dad, a book, and a tree. It's the true story about how I found the book of KND and what I wrote in it. Five words only. WE. ARE. KIDS. NEXT. DOOR.
** Who: Nigel Uno (Numbuh One)
** Source: ''[[Codename: Kids Next Door - Operation Z.E.R.O.]]'' (2006)

* It's taken me so many years, so many lifetimes, but at last I know where I'm going. Where I've always been going. Home, the long way round.
** Who: The [[Eleventh Doctor]]
** Source: ''[[Eleventh Doctor|Doctor Who: The Day of the Doctor]]'' (2013)

* Mr. Phillip has wished, and so I shall use my power. With a wave of my hands, I shall say, &quot;au revoir, Eiffel Tower!&quot;
** Who: Adil
** Source: ''[[Genie in the House|Genie in the House: Legend of the Dragon]]'' (2010)

* Oh, I love it, Philip, I love it too bits!
** Who: Max Baxter
** Source: ''[[Genie in the House|Genie in the House: Return to Balamkadaar]]'' (2008)

* We'll be waiting right here.
** Who: Stella Shortman
** Source: ''[[Hey Arnold!: The Jungle Movie]]'' (2017)

* Welcome, Christmas, bring your cheer. Cheer to all Whos far and near. Christmas Day is in our grasp, so as long as we have hands to clap, Christmas Day will always be just as long as we have. Welcome, Christmas. While we stand... Heart to heart... and hand to hand.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[w: How the Grinch stole Christmas|Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas]]'' (1966)

* Merry Christmas!
** Who: [[w:Santa Claus|Santa Claus]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: A Mammoth Christmas]]'' (2011)

* The ship is terrible! Not seaworthy! Bunny overboard!
** Who: [[w:List_of_Ice_Age_characters#Squint|Squint]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: The Great Egg-Scapade]]'' (2016)
** Note: Squint trying to sail away in a basket as a ship but unfortunately it sinks.

* Merry Christmas and happy Julianuary, everybody!
** Who: Mort
** Source: ''[[Merry Madagascar]]'' (2009)

* Two, three four!
** Who: River
** Source: ''My Scene: Jammin' in Jamaica'' (2004)

* To sharing secrets with the best friends anyone could ever have!
** Who: Chelsea
** Source: ''My Scene: Masquerade Madness'' (2004)

* What? It's none of your business!
** Who: Beth
** Source: ''Polly Pocket: Lunar Eclipse'' (2003)

* Still, it was mad fun!
** Who: Pia Pocket
** Source: ''Polly Pocket: 2 Cool at the Pocket Plaza'' (2005)

* Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho!
** Who: [[w:Santa Claus|Santa Claus]]
** Source: ''[[Stick Man]]'' (2015)

* Okay, next time, we're going to Mexico. OW!
** Who: Beast Boy
** Source: ''[[Teen Titans: Trouble in Tokyo]]'' (2006)

* Above all, do not lament my absence, for in my spark, I know that this is not the end, but merely a new beginning. Simply put, another transformation.
** Who: Optimus Prime
** Source: ''[[Transformers: Prime|Transformers: Prime - Predacons Rising]]'' (2013)

* First one inside gets to give him mouth to mouth!
** Who: Lee
* (post-credits:) It's the end of the movie? What movie?
** Who: Jonny 2X4
** Source: ''[[Ed, Edd n Eddy's Big Picture Show]]'' (2009)

* That night, the stars seemed to shine down on the forest with a special warm glow. Schaeffer wondered if he could have dreamt it all. Surely a star had fallen and spread magic in its path? And one special wish had come true, just now. And then Schaeffer stopped wondering, because he suddenly knew that if Broo had made it to the Evergreen Forest, then he would soon see Sophia and the Raccoons too.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Raccoons and the Lost Star]]'' (1983)

=== ''[[Futurama]]'' ===

* Well, we're boned.
** Who: Bender
** Source: ''[[Futurama: Bender's Big Score]]'' (2007)

* Because Bender knows love. And love doesn't share itself with the world. Love is suspicious, love is needy, love is fearful, love is greedy. My friends, there is no great love without great jealousy. I love you, meatbags.
** Who: Bender
** Source: ''[[Futurama: The Beast with a Billion Backs]]'' (2008)

* Faster! Faster! Slower!
** Who: Professor Farnsworth
** Source: ''[[Futurama: Bender's Game]]'' (2008)

* Go! Go!
** Who: Fry and Leela
** Source: ''[[Futurama: Into the Wild Green Yonder]]'' (2009)

=== ''[[The Jimmy Timmy Power Hour Specials]]'' ===

* GET OUT OF MY LAB!
** Who: Jimmy Neutron
** Source: ''Jimmy Timmy Power Hour'' (2004)

* Boys, boys! Please! This fighting over me has got to stop!
** Who: Cindy Vortex
** Source: ''Jimmy Timmy Power Hour 2: When Nerds Collide'' (2006)

* Okay, give him his brain back, boys.
** Who: Cindy Vortex
** Source: ''Jimmy Timmy Power Hour 3: The Jerkinators'' (2006)

=== ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls'' specials ===

* Me too!
** Who: Sour Sweet
** Source: ''Dance Magic'' (2017)

* Uh, sorry.
** Who: Human Rainbow Dash
** Source: ''Movie Magic'' (2017)

* Right.
** Who: Starlight Glimmer
** Source: ''Mirror Magic'' (2017)

* Oh, come on! Seriously?!
** Who: Human Rainbow Dash
** Source: ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Forgotten Friendship'' (2018)

* If you’re up for it.
** Who: Human Rarity
** Source: ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Rollercoaster of Friendship'' (2018)

* We’re baaaack!
** Who: Sunset Shimmer
** Source: ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Spring Breakdown'' (2019)

* Yeah, I guess it would’ve been!
** Who: Human Pinkie Pie
** Source: ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Sunset's Backstage Pass'' (2020)

=== ''[[Miraculous Ladybug]]'' ===

* Hmm.
** Who: Monk
** Source: ''[[Miraculous World: New York – United Heroez]]'' (2020)

* Coming to China, I found so much more than I'd ever hoped for: an amazing uncle, a new friend, and a new Mandarin teacher.
** Who: Marinette Dupain-Cheng
** Source: ''[[Miraculous World: Shanghai – The Legend of Ladydragon]]'' (2020)

=== ''Peanuts'' ===

* Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown!
** Who: Everyone
** Source: ''[[A Charlie Brown Christmas]]'' (1965)

* My grandmother lives in a condominium.
** Who: Charlie Brown
** Source: ''[[A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving]] (1973)

* To read Crime and Punishment by Dostoevsky. Happy New Year, Charlie Brown.
** Who: [[w:Linus van Pelt|Linus van Pelt]]
** Source: ''[[Happy New Year, Charlie Brown]]'' (1986)

* Ah...the Easter Beagle...
** Who: Lucy van Pelt
** Source: ''[[It's the Easter Beagle, Charlie Brown]]'' (1974)

* STUPID? What do you mean &quot;stupid&quot;?! Just wait till next year, Charlie Brown! You'll see! Next year at this same time, I'll find a pumpkin patch that is *real* sincere and I'll sit in that pumpkin patch until the Great Pumpkin appears. He'll rise out of that pumpkin patch and he'll fly through the air with his bag of toys. The Great Pumpkin will appear and I'll be waiting for him! I'll be there! I'll be sitting there in that pumpkin patch... and I'll see the Great Pumpkin. Just wait and see, Charlie Brown. I'll see that Great Pumpkin. I'll SEE the Great Pumpkin! Just you wait, Charlie Brown. The Great Pumpkin will appear, and I'll be waiting for him...!
** Who: Linus van Pelt
** Source: ''[[It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown]]'' (1966)

* Grandma?
** Who: Linus van Pelt
** Source: ''Happiness is a Warm Blanket, Charlie Brown'' (2011)

* Charlie Brown, get your stupid dog to stop playing this music!
** Who: Lucy van Pelt
** Source: ''[[It's the Pied Piper, Charlie Brown]]'' (2000)

=== ''Rankin/Bass'' ===

* Merry Christmas! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
** Who: Santa Claus
** Source: ''[[Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (TV special)|Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer]]'' (1964)

* Aaron's heart was filled with joy and love. And he knew at last that the hate he had carried there was wrong. As ALL hatred will ever be wrong. For more powerful, more beautiful by far than all the eons of sadness and cruelty and desolation which had come before, was that one tiny, crystalline second of laughter. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.
** Who: Our Storyteller
** Source: ''[[The Little Drummer Boy (film)|The Little Drummer Boy]]'' (1968)

* I'll be back on Christmas Day!
** Who: Frosty
** Source: ''[[Frosty the Snowman (TV special)|Frosty the Snowman]]'' (1969)

* Merry Christmas!
** Who: Children
** Source: ''[[Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town (film)|Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town]]'' (1970)

* Happy Easter Day!
** Who: Everyone
** Source: ''[[Here Comes Peter Cottontail]]'' (1971)

* Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!
** Who: Santa Claus
** Source: ''[['Twas the Night Before Christmas (1974 TV special)|'Twas the Night Before Christmas]]'' (1974)

* I dreamed unhappy things!
** Who: Santa Claus
** Source: ''[[The Year Without a Santa Claus]]'' (1974)

* And frosty, too!
** Who: Frosty and Crystal
** Source: ''[[Frosty's Winter Wonderland]]'' (1976)

* And may it be shiny, too!
** Who: Rudolph
** Source: ''[[Rudolph's Shiny New Year]]'' (1976)

* Okay!
** Who: Rudolph
** Source: ''[[Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July]]'' (1979)

* And so, the folks of Beansborough got their winter carnival after all. A tradition was saved. Summer Wheeze was permanently canned, and Mr. Twitchell decided to make sleds instead of trouble. He should have known he was no match for Mother Nature, or a little girl like Holly. Next stop: Winnipeg. Nice town, plenty of parking space, and lots of cocoa.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Frosty Returns]]'' (1992)

=== ''Marvel Rising'' franchise ===

=== ''Thomas and Friends'' specials ===

* Emily was delighted. That night, the engines talked about steamies, diesels, and airplanes, and they all agreed that Tidmouth sheds was the best place to be.
** Who: The narrator
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Calling All Engines]]'' (2005)

* But we're ALL leaders of the track!
* And he couldn't have been happier!
** Who 1: Thomas
** Who 2: The narrator
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|The Great Discovery]]'' (2008)

* I know, Thomas. Thank you.
** Who: Hiro
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Hero of the Rails]]'' (2008)

* And everyone giggled and jiggled.
** Who: The narrator
* (post-credits:) You'll be laughing on the other side of your boilers soon, silly steamies! ''(evil laugh)'' Yes...
** Who: Diesel 10
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Misty Island Rescue]]'' (2010)
** Note: The latter aforementioned line leads into the events of ''Day of the Diesels''. 

* And the two best friends giggled and jiggled with joy.
** Who: The narrator
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Day of the Diesels]]'' (2011)

* And no engine whistled louder than Thomas and Luke!
** Who: The narrator
* (in-credits:) It's me!
** Who: Rheneas
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Blue Mountain Mystery]]'' (2012)

* Knights in Shining Armor, on your mark, get set, go!
** Who: Sir Robert Norramby
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|King of the Railway]]'' (2013)

* Percy was sad to say goodbye to his new friend, but he was happy that he had his old friends beside him.
** Who: The narrator
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Tale of the Brave]]'' (2014)

* But I'm not Mr. Coffee Pot, my name is Glynn.
** Who: Glynn
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|The Adventure Begins]]'' (2015)

* One, two, threeeeeeeee!!!
** Who: Scuba divers' captain
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Sodor's Legend of the Lost Treasure]]'' (2015)

* Good idea! You ''are'' clever. Sometimes.
** Who: Ashima
* (in-credits:) OVER HERE! I'M FULL OF SURPRISES...!
** Who: Diesel
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|The Great Race]]'' (2016)

* What did I miss?
** Who: Henry
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Journey Beyond Sodor]]'' (2017)

* Thomas?
** Who: Ace
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Big World! Big Adventures!]]'' (2018)

=== ''Winnie the Pooh'' specials ===

* No worry! Take your time! Yum, yum!
** Who: Winnie the Pooh
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh and the Honey Tree]]'' (1966)

* And Piglet, too!
** Who: Piglet
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh and the Blustery Day]]'' (1968)

* Come on, everybody! Bounce!
** Who: Rabbit
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh and Tigger Too]]'' (1974)

* Of course you are. Silly old bear.
** Who: Christopher Robin
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh and a Day for Eeyore]]'' (1983)

* And so it was the most thankful day of Thanksgiving, for of all the things we've had or ever liked, the grandest thing we shall ever have is one another... or so it was said, by a bear named Winnie the Pooh.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''A Winnie the Pooh Thanksgiving'' (1998)

* And so as winter changes into spring, which changes into summer, there are things which go on forever unchanging, such as the way a certain boy cares for a certain bear. And we will know for as long as we care to remember, that somewhere in that enchanted place, on top of the forest... a boy and his bear... will always be playing.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''Winnie the Pooh: A Valentine for You'' (1999)

=== ''Winx Club'' specials ===

* I AM A FAIRY!!!
** Who: Bloom
** Source: ''Winx Club: The Fate of Bloom'' (2011)

* The Trix took the Dragon Flame!
** Who: Bloom
** Source: ''Winx Club: Revenge of the Trix'' (2011)

* I don't know, but I guess we'll find out... together.
** Who: Sky
** Source: ''Winx Club: The Battle for Magix'' (2011)

* Get over here!
** Who: Bloom
** Source: ''Winx Club: The Shadow Phoenix'' (2011)

[[Category:Last lines|Animated films]]</text>
      <sha1>1h9frfm222a1dof5d12bt1ef34vby7g</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153862</id>
      <parentid>3153861</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-12T10:18:11Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:1700:F770:7B40:F8D1:1FBC:401F:5ED1</ip>
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      <comment>/* Despicable Me film series */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="85939" xml:space="preserve">== Animated films ==

* I'm not sure, exactly. But this world is ours now. It's what we make of it.
** Who: 9
** Source: ''[[9 (2009 animated film)|9]]'' (2009)

* Stop attacking me! Why do you always have to attack me now?! Sit, stay, sit!
** Who: King Llort
** Source: ''[[A Troll in Central Park]]'' (1994)

* No laughing. I’m serious.
** Who: Nai Nai
** Source: ''[[Abominable (2019 film)|Abominable]]'' (2019)

* Man, I'm getting out of here.
** Who: [[w:Bing Crosby|Bing Crosby]]
** Source: ''[[The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad]]'' (1949)

* Bye-bye!
** Who: Rocky
** Source: ''[[The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle]]'' (2000)

* He'll be back.
** Who: Charlie B. Barkin
** Source: ''[[All Dogs Go to Heaven]]'' (1989)

* Hey, guys! I worked a little magic.
** Who: David
** Source: ''[[All Dogs Go to Heaven 2]]'' (1996)

* Buh-bye!
** Who: Fievel and Tanya Mousekewitz
** Source: ''[[An American Tail]]'' (1986)

* I think one day you'll find... that you're the hero you've been lookin'for.
** Who: Wylie
** Source: ''[[An American Tail: Fievel Goes West]]'' (1991)

* Huh? Wow!
** Who: Fievel Mousekewitz
** Source: ''[[An American Tail: The Treasure of Manhattan Island]]'' (1998)

* Sweet dreams, my little Fievel. Sweet dreams.
** Who: Mama Mousekewitz
** Source: ''[[An American Tail: The Mystery of the Night Monster]]'' (1999)

* So long, everybody.
** Who: Bartok
** Source: ''[[Anastasia (1997 film)|Anastasia]]'' (1997)

* To the animals, it now seemed that their world, which may or may not some day become a happy place to live in, was worse than ever for ordinary creatures, and another moment had come when they must do something about it...
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Animal Farm (1954 film)|Animal Farm]]'' (1954)

* There you have it. Your average 'boy-meets-girl, boy-likes-girl, boy-changes-underlying-social-order' story. So, what else can I tell you? We rebuilt the colony - it's even better than before, you know, 'cause now it has a very large indoor swimming pool. Bala and I, incidentally, are thinking of starting a family. You know, just a few kids, maybe a million or two to begin with. And I'm, I'm workin' with a new therapist, you know, terrific, absolutely terrific. He's, he's been putting me in touch with my inner maggot, which is helping me a great deal. And, you know, I finally feel like I've found my place. And you know what? It's right back where I started. But the difference is, this time I chose it.
** Who: Z
** Source: ''[[Antz]]'' (1998)

* Wait a minute. I'm the leader. I'll say when it's the end. It's the end.
** Who: Napoleon
** Source: ''[[The Aristocats]]'' (1970)

* So long, folks.
** Who: Bartok
** Source: ''[[Bartok the Magnificent]]'' (1999)

* I am.
** Who: Andrea Beaumont
** Source: ''[[Batman: Mask of the Phantasm]]'' (1993)

* Tool.
** Who: Butt-head
** Source: ''[[Beavis and Butt-head Do America]]'' (1996)

* Between you and me, I was dying to get out of that office.
** Who: Barry Benson
* (post-credits:) I had virtually no rehearsal for that.
** Who: Barry Benson
** Source: ''[[Bee Movie]]'' (2007)

* We didn't set out to be superheroes... But sometimes, life doesn't go the way you planned. The good thing is, my brother wanted to help a lot of people, and that's what we're gonna do. Who are we?
** Who: Hiro Hamada
* (post-credits:) We have a lot to talk about.
** Who: Fred's Dad
** Source: ''[[Big Hero 6]]'' (2014) 

* Nope. I've never seen him before in my life.
** Who: A pigeon
** Source: ''[[Bolt (2008 film)|Bolt]]'' (2008)

* Yep.
** Who: Doli
** Source: ''[[The Black Cauldron (film)|The Black Cauldron]]'' (1985)

* Bye!
** Who: Steve and Blue
** Source: ''[[Blue's Big Musical Movie]]'' (2000)

* Yay! They're staying! Let's do this....
** Who: Scoop
** Source: ''[[Bob The Builder: Mega Machines The Movie]]'' (2017)

* Hi there, baby sister.
** Who: Timothy's daughter
* (mid-credits:) Okay.
** Who: Mrs. Templeton
* (post-credits:) Wake up, little halflings. It's time to leave. Go and live your peasant lives. BE GONE WITH YOU!
** Who: Wizzie
** Source: ''[[The Boss Baby]]'' (2017)

* There are those who say fate is something beyond our command. That destiny is not our own, but I know better. Our fate lives within us. You only have to be brave enough to see it.
** Who: Merida
* (post-credits:) Delivery! Sign here, sign here! Come on, birdbrain! Haven't got all day!
** Who: The Crow
** Source: ''[[Brave (2012 film)|Brave]]'' (2012)

* My brother Kenai went on to live with Koda and the other bears. He taught me that love is very powerful. And I passed on the wisdom of his story to our people. The story of a boy who became a man...by becoming a bear.
** Who: Old Denahi
* (post-credits) Cut, cut. Ooh.
** Who: Koda
** Source: ''[[Brother Bear]]'' (2003)

* Present stalks! Harvester, salute!
** Who: Thorny
* (in-credits:) Spinning a web of safety in less in 15... Ow!
** Who: P.T.
** Source: ''[[A Bug's Life]]'' (1998)

* TRA-LA-LAAAAAAAA!!!
** Who: Captain Underpants/Mr. Krupp
* (in-credits:) NO!
** Who: Secretary
** Source: ''[[Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie]]'' (2017)

* Get a picture, boys. These kids will be making history!
** Who: L.B. Mammoth
* Hmph!
** Who: Darla Dimple
** Source: ''[[Cats Don't Dance]]'' (1997)

* Wilbur never forgot Charlotte. Although he loved her children and grandchildren dearly, none of the new spiders ever quite took her place in his heart. She was in a class by herself. It's not often that someone comes along who's a true friend and a good writer. Charlotte was both.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Charlotte's Web (1973 film)|Charlotte's Web]]'' (1973)

*Oh, Ace!
**Who: Movie Abby
**Source: ''[[Chicken Little (2005 film)|Chicken Little]]'' (2005)

* Hang on. Let's go over this again?
** Who: Fetcher
* (in-credits:) I don't know.
** Who: Nick
** Source: ''[[Chicken Run]]'' (2000)

* Coco!
** Who: Héctor
** Source: ''[[Coco (2017 film)|Coco]]'' (2017)

* Well, so long, glamor boy!
** Who: Jim Crow
** Source: ''[[Dumbo]]'' (1941)

* I'm so proud of you guys.
** Who: Kronk
** Source: ''[[The Emperor's New Groove]]'' (2000)

* Oh, how cute.
** Who: Yzma
** Source: ''[[Kronk's New Groove]]'' (2005)

* To kindness and love, the things we need most!
** Who: [[w:The Grinch|The Grinch]]
** Source: ''[[The Grinch (film)|Dr. Seuss' The Grinch]]'' (2018)

* Well, come on, Baggy buddy! Let's get back to where we belong. And get with the beat!
** Who: Baloo
** Source: ''[[The Jungle Book (1967 film)|The Jungle Book]]'' (1967)

* Yeah, man!
** Who: Baloo
** Source: ''[[The Jungle Book 2]]'' (2003)

* And so, all ended well for both Horton and Whos. And for all in the jungle, even Kangaroos. So let that be a lesson to one and to all. A person's a person. No matter how small.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Horton Hears a Who! (film)|Dr. Seuss' Horton Hears a Who!]]'' (2008)

* You done good, Beanpole. You done good. By the way, nice mustache.
** Who: [[w:The Lorax|The Lorax]]
** Source: ''[[The Lorax (film)|Dr. Seuss' The Lorax]]'' (2012)

* Somebody! Stop those pants!
** Who: Scrooge McDuck
** Source: ''[[DuckTales|DuckTales the Movie: Treasure of the Lost Lamp]]'' (1990)

* Aw, shit cunt!
** Who: Spanky Ham
** Source: ''[[The Drawn Together Movie: The Movie!]]'' (2010)

* Go fish.
** Who: Smiler
** Source: ''[[The Emoji Movie]]'' (2017)

* Everyone together...
* La Familia Madrigal!
** Who: Abuela Alma Madrigal
** Who 2: The Madrigals
** Source: ''[[Encanto (film)|Encanto]]'' (2021)

* Mmm... that was a good toast.
** Who: Ash
** Source: ''[[Fantastic Mr. Fox (film)|Fantastic Mr. Fox]]'' (2009)

* Yeah, forever.
** Who: Copper
** Source: ''[[The Fox and the Hound]]'' (1981)

* Yeah. Well, good night, Willie. Don't slam the roof. You might wake Mr. Bergen.
** Who: Mortimer
** Source: ''[[Fun and Fancy Free]]'' (1947)

* Enchante, Madamoiselle!
** Who: Goofy
** Source: ''[[A Goofy Movie]]'' (1995)

* You know, somehow I knew you would. Ah-yuck!
** Who: Goofy
** Source: ''[[An Extremely Goofy Movie]]'' (2000)

* Arlo!
** Who: Momma Ida
** Source: ''[[The Good Dinosaur]]'' (2015)

* From that time on, Basil and I were a close team, and over the years we had many cases together. But I shall always look back on that first with the most fondness: My introduction to Basil of Baker Street: ''The Great Mouse Detective.''
** Who: Dawson
** Source: ''[[The Great Mouse Detective]]'' (1986)

* Yeah, things are looking up around here now.
** Who: Pokey
** Source: ''[[Gumby: The Movie]]'' (1995)

* That's Phil's boy!
** Who: The Strong Man
* (post-credits:) What d'ya say? It's happy ending time! Everybody's got a little taste of something, but me! I got nothin'! I'm, I'm here with nothin'! Anybody listenin'? It's like I'm... What am I, an echo or something? Hello? Hello? Am I talking to, what, hyperspace? Hello, it's me! Nobody listens.
** Who: Hades
** Source: ''[[Hercules (1997 film)|Hercules]]'' (1997)

* Show's over, Eugene.
** Who: Gerald Johanssen
** Source: ''[[Hey Arnold!: The Movie]]'' (2002)

* Everybody smile.
** Who: Lucy Tucci
** Source: ''[[Home (2015 film)|Home]]'' (2015) 

* Don't you ever migrate?
** Who: Laverne
* (post-credits:) Good night, everybody! Whoo-hoo-hoo!
** Who: Hugo
** Source: ''[[The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1996 film)|The Hunchback of Notre Dame]]'' (1996)

* And I love Quasimodo!!
** Who: Madellaine
** Source: ''[[The Hunchback of Notre Dame II]]'' (2002)

* We've been through a lot lately, that's for sure. But we still love our girl. She has great new friends, a great new house. Things couldn't be better. After all, Riley's twelve now. What could happen?
** Who: Joy
* (in-credits:) No! Not this again!
** Who: Bus Driver's Emotions
** Source: ''[[Inside Out (2015 film)|Inside Out]]'' (2015)

* See you later.
** Who: Hogarth Hughes
** Source: ''[[The Iron Giant]]'' (1999)

* I take it back.
** Who: Jane
** Source: ''[[Is It College Yet?]]'' (2002)

* Oh!
** Who: Helen
** Source: ''[[Is It Fall Yet?]]'' (2000)

* And that is exactly what you had just seen.
** Who: Old Man
** Source: ''[[James and the Giant Peach]]'' (1996)

* Ah, the fucking autopilot's broke!
** Who: Jay
** Source: ''[[Jay &amp; Silent Bob's Super Groovy Cartoon Movie]]'' (2013)

* Onward, Mr Wiggles. We reach the cafeteria by dawn. Waaaaah!
** Who: Ms. Winifred Fowl
** Source: ''[[Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius (film)|Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius]]'' (2001)

* Listen to them, Soren. They want more stories. Well, come on, you lot. Let's not disappoint them. Ah. There's a good storm brewing. And if we're lucky, I'll be chock full of baggywrinkles.
** Who: Ezylryb
** Source: ''[[Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole]]'' (2010)

* Never too big. You will always be my Little Bear.
** Who: Mother Bear
** Source: ''[[The Little Bear Movie]]'' (2001)

* That does it, Charlie Brown! He is your dog, and you're welcome to him.
** Who: Lucy Van Pelt
** Source: ''[[Snoopy, Come Home]]'' (1972)

* Let's go, bulls!
** Who: [[w:Bill Murray|Bill Murray]]
* (post-credits:) Can l go home now?
** Who: [[w:Michael Jordan|Michael Jordan]]
** Source: ''[[Space Jam]]'' (1996)

* Th-th-th-that's all, folks!
** Who: [[w:Porky Pig|Porky Pig]]
** Source: ''[[Space Jam: A New Legacy]]'' (2021)

* Nice work. See you tomorrow!
** Who: Director
* Go home, folks.
** Who: [[w:Porky Pig|Porky Pig]]
** Source: ''[[Looney Tunes: Back in Action]]'' (2003)

* WILMA!
** Who: [[w:Fred Flintstone|Fred Flintstone]]
** Source: ''[[The Man Called Flintstone]]'' (1966)

* In the state of Texas, USA, life still goes on in the same old way. The Pecos River still flows on, but the greatest cowboy on earth is gone. Yeah, Bill went back to the coyotes, but he never forgot Sue. Every night when the moon was high, he'd lift his voice in a mournful cry, bewailing the fate of his lady fair, his long-lost love in the sky up there. So painful was his grief to see, the varmints joined in out of sympathy. That's how come, to this very day, coyotes howl at the moon that way.
** Who: Roy Rogers
** Source: ''[[Melody Time]]'' (1948)

* Bravo, my friends! Our three heroes have finally made their dream come true. I think this calls for one more song!
** Who: Troubadour
** Source: ''[[Mickey, Donald, Goofy: The Three Musketeers]]'' (2004)

* Gee, thanks for letting us share our Christmas spirit with you. [laughs] Merry Christmas, everybody!
** Who: Mickey Mouse
** Source: ''[[w:Mickey's Magical Christmas: Snowed in the House of Mouse|Mickey's Magical Christmas: Snowed in at the House of Mouse]]'' (2001)

* Aw, phooey!
** Who: Donald Duck
** Source: ''[[Mickey's House of Villains]]'' (2002)

* So in the end, love is the reason that Christmas is more than a gift-giving season. It's a time with our loved ones to show that we care, When families and neighbors come together to share. So, this Christmas season, let us all do our parts To keep Christmas spirit alive in our hearts.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: '' ''[[Mickey's Once Upon a Christmas]]'' (1999)

* So, at last, Mickey learned what he'd missed from the start. Bells and holly mean little without friends in your heart. The magic of Christmas has its rhyme and its reason. We hope you and yours have a most joyous season.
** Who: Narrator
* Ho ho ho!
** Who: Santa Claus
** Source: '' ''[[Mickey's Twice Upon a Christmas]]'' (2004)

* Welcome home!
** Who: A villager
* (post-credits:) Didn't help me though, did it? Still upside down here. Just need a little push. Can we be real? If my name was Sebastian and I had a cool Jamacian accent, you'd totally help me. You would. You know you would.
** Who: Tamatoa 
** Source: ''[[Moana (2016 film)|Moana]]'' (2016)
** Note: He is last seen after the credits, where he is still trapped and struggling to get off his shell, but to no avail. He asks the audience for assistance, and sarcastically quips that if his name was &quot;Sebastian&quot; and he had a Jamaican accent, the audience would feel happy to help him out (the reference to the supporting character of the same name from Disney's [[w:The Little Mermaid (1989 film)|The Little Mermaid]]). It is unknown if he ever got back up or if he starved.

* Wait, wait, wait, wa-wa-wait?! You were dating Derek, too?! That two-timing jerk!
** Who: B.O.B.
* (mid-credits:) Time to wave the white flag and head for the bunker, boys. Let's check the situation in 500 years! Who wants to freeze my head?
** Who: President Hathaway
** Source: ''[[Monsters vs. Aliens]]'' (2009)

* Mushu!
** Who: Great Ancestor
** Source: ''[[Mulan (1998 film)|Mulan]]'' (1998)

* Does a hero dragon deserve anything less? Draw my bath! Warm my towels! Let the pampering begin!
** Who: Mushu
** Source: ''[[Mulan II]]'' (2004)

* Okay! That is the most awesome name ever!
** Who: Pinkie Pie
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: The Movie (2017 film)|My Little Pony: The Movie]]'' (2017)

* I can't think of anything better.
** Who: Madison
** Source: ''My Scene Goes Hollywood: The Movie'' (2005)

* And the moral of our story is...
** Who: Yakko Warner
** Source: ''Wakko's Wish'' (1999)

* What a delightful scoundrel.
** Who: Winston
** Source: ''[[Oliver &amp; Company]]'' (1988)

* Whoa-ho, yeah-ha!
** Who: Barley Lightfoot
** Source: ''[[Onward (film)|Onward]]'' (2020)

* Left foot, right foot... Ah, who needs feet when you got fins! Whoo-hoo!
** Who: Tanglefoot
** Source: ''[[Ooops! Noah Is Gone...]]'' (2015)

* Oh, well. Out with the old, in with the new, huh?
** Who: Frank Detorre
** Source: ''[[Osmosis Jones]]'' (2001)

* There's a secret between you and me, Baby.
** Who: Higgins
** Source: ''[[The Outback (2012 film)|The Outback]]'' (2012)

* Shoot!
** Who: RJ
** Source: ''[[Over the Hedge]]'' (2006)

* And Liberty!
** Who: Liberty
** Source: ''[[PAW Patrol: The Movie]]'' (2021)

* Wait, wait, wait!
** Who: Phineas Flynn
** Source: ''[[Phineas and Ferb the Movie: Across the 2nd Dimension]]'' (2011)

* Well, I'll be! Ho-ho-ho! My, my! Solid gold, too. Oh, I think it's swell.
** Who: Jiminy Cricket
** Source: ''[[Pinocchio (1940 film)|Pinocchio]]'' (1940)

* Godspeed, John.
** Who: Thomas
** Source: ''[[Pocahontas (1995 film)|Pocahontas]]'' (1995)

* At one time, most of my friends could hear the bell. But as years passed, it felt silent for all of them. Even Sarah found, one Christmas, that she could no longer hear its sweet sound. Though I've grown old, the bell still rings for me. As it does for all who truly believe.
** Who: Adult Hero Boy
** Source: ''[[The Polar Express]]'' (2004)

* Sure!
** Who: Evie and Tori
** Source: ''PollyWorld'' (2006)

* Sugar, spice, and everything nice. These were the ingredients chosen to create the perfect little girl. But, Professor Utonium accidentally added an extra ingredient to the concoction. Chemical X. Thus, Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup were born. Using their ultra-super powers, they've dedicated their lives to fighting crime, and the forces of evil. And so for the very first time the day is saved thanks to... the Powerpuff Girls! Hey, that's a good name for them! Powerpuff Girls! Yeah! I like that! Wonder if ''they will?'' I'll run it by them. Powerpuff Girls! Mmm-hmm.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Powerpuff Girls Movie]]'' (2002)

* Well, I waited this long.
** Who: Charlotte LaBouff
** Source: ''[[The Princess and the Frog]]'' (2009)

* Yeah!
** Who: Background character
* (mid-credits 1) And gullible. I forgot to mention gullible.
** Who: [[w:Lucy|Lucy]]
* (mid-credits 2) A round of root beer for our hero the Flying Ace.
** Who: [[w:Marcie|Marcie]]
** Source: ''[[The Peanuts Movie]]'' (2015)

* Well done, Ayden.
** Who: Merlin
** Source: ''[[Quest for Camelot]]'' (1998)

* (theatrical version:) Rango!
** Who: The Mariachi Owls
* (extended version:) My fellow comrades. There will be times when you doubt yourself. When you feel pummeled by the catalclysms of life, remember this moment. Remember me. Know that I will be there, watching you... sometimes at inappropriate moments. That's part of the deal. And remember, that within all of us resides the true Spirit of We- Woah! Let's take it from the top.
** Who: Rango
** Source: ''[[Rango (2011 film)|Rango]]'' (2011)

* Hey, believe me, that story gets better when I tell it, okay? Come on! Bring some food over here, we're starving!
** Who: Django
** Source: ''[[Ratatouille]]'' (2007)

* Ba, welcome to Kumandra.
** Who: Raya
** Source: ''[[Raya and the Last Dragon]]'' (2021)

* Oh we're not late. We'll never going to be late again.
** Who: Rigby
** Source: ''[[Regular Show: The Movie]]'' (2015)

* Aw, phooey! Phooey!
** Who: Robert Benchley
** Source: ''[[The Reluctant Dragon (1941 film)|The Reluctant Dragon]]'' (1941)

* My name is Jack Frost, and I'm a Guardian. How do I know that? Because the Moon told me so. So when the Moon tells you something... ''believe it''.
** Who: Jack Frost
** Source: ''[[Rise of the Guardians]]'' (2012)

* Chel, we're not on the horse!
** Who: Tulio
** Source: ''[[The Road to El Dorado]]'' (2000)

* Well, folks, that's the way it really happened.
** Who: [[w:Alan-a-Dale|Allan-a-Dale]]
** Source: ''[[Robin Hood (1973 film)|Robin Hood]]'' (1973)

* Wait a minute, wait a minute! I-I-I was on the list! Come on, don't you know who I am? Wait! Whoa!
** Who: Tim the Gate Guard
** Source: ''[[Robots (2005 film)|Robots]]'' (2005)

* Hey, Edmond!
** Who: Chanticleer
** Source: ''[[Rock-a-Doodle]]'' (1991)

* As long as we're together. I'm ready to get baked and do anything.
** Who: Brenda
** Source: ''[[Sausage Party]]'' (2016)

* Thank you, Max.
** Who: Duke
* (mid-credits:) I'm home, Leonard. Were you a good boy, Leonard?
** Who: Leonard's Owner
* (post-credits:) All right, party's over!
** Who: Pops
** Source: ''[[The Secret Life of Pets]]'' (2016)

* Bye bye, momma and dada.
** Who: Liam
* (mid-credits:) Snowball, I'm back!
** Who: Molly
* (post-credits:) Okay. Moment's over.
** Who: Rooster
** Source: ''[[The Secret Life of Pets 2]]'' (2019)

* Oh, no!
** Who: Martin
** Source: ''[[The Secret of NIMH]]'' (1982)

* You got served!
** Who: The Shrimp
* Did somebody say CRAZY?!
** Who: Crazy Joe
* What you doing? Go on, get outta here! Go home! It's past your bedtime!
** Who: Mrs. Sanchez
** Source: ''[[Shark Tale]]'' (2004)

* Thanks, boy. Steady. Whoo-hoo!
** Who: Homer Simpson
* (mid-credits:) Smithers, I don't believe in suicides, but if you like to try, it would cheer me up to watch.
** Who: Mr. Burns
* (mid-credits 2:) This is Tom Hanks saying if you see me in person, please leave me be.
** Who: ''[[w:Tom Hanks|Tom Hanks]]''
* (in-credits:) Sequel?
** Who: Maggie Simpson
* (post-credits:) Four years of film school for this?
** Who: Squeaky-Voiced Teen
** Source: ''[[The Simpsons Movie]]'' (2007)

* All creatures great and small, welcome to the New Moon Theater!
** Who: Buster Moon
** Source: ''[[Sing (2016 film)|Sing]]'' (2016)

* Blue!
** Who: Merryweather
** Source: ''[[Sleeping Beauty]]'' (1957)

* Pro: if you go down there you'll meet lots of people. Con: Uh, you're not really a people person. Ugh, this is torture!
** Who: Fleem 
* (mid-credits:) Okay in 3, 2... On the next episode of... Wait am I missing a tooth?
** Who: Percy Patterson
** Source: ''[[Smallfoot (film)|Smallfoot]]'' (2018) 

* Blue cheese!
** Who: Everyone 
* (in-credits:) Am I going mad, Azrael? For the last time, get them to shut off this music!
** Who: [[w:Gargamel|Gargamel]]
** Source: ''[[Smurfs: The Lost Village]]'' (2017)

* Goodbye!
** Who: [[w:Snow White (Disney character)|Snow White]]
** Source: ''[[Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs]]'' (1937)

* Look!
** Who: Kyle Broflovski
* (post-credits:) Guys out there is hurted.
** Who: Ike Broflovski
** Source: ''[[South Park: Bigger, Longer &amp; Uncut]]'' (1999)

* I think I can handle it.
** Who: Chihiro Ogino (Sen)
** Source: ''[[Spirited Away]]'' (2001)
** Note: This line (per above) was heard in the English dub. The original Japanese dub's final line is &quot;Chihiro, let's get to our new home.&quot;

* Miles! Miles! Do you have a minute?
** Who: Gwen Stacy / Spider-Gwen
* You haven't seen pointing until I'm finished with you!
* You're accusing me of pointing while you're...!
** Who 1: Peter Parker / 1967 Spider-Man
** Who 2: Miguel O'Hara / 2099 Spider-Man
** Source: ''[[Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse]]'' (2018)

* You think you could handle them? They're not exactly easy to get along with.
** Who: Steven
** Source: ''[[Steven Universe: The Movie]]'' (2019)

* You love it.
** Who: Tulip
** Source: ''[[Storks (film)|Storks]]'' (2016)

* We did it. We really did it! Woo-hoo! Come on, guys! Yeah!
** Who: Richard
** Source: ''[[A Stork’s Journey]]'' (2017)

* Well, uh.... that's something like television. Without commercials.
** Who: Merlin
** Source: ''[[The Sword in the Stone (film)|The Sword in the Stone]]'' (1963)

* Yes, we are.
** Who: [[w:Flynn Rider|Eugene Fitzherbert]]
** Source: ''[[Tangled]]'' (2010)

* Ooo-ooo-ee-ah-ooo.
** Who: Jane Porter
** Source: ''[[Tarzan (1999 film)|Tarzan]]'' (1999)

* Woof!
** Who: Spot Helperman
** Source: ''[[Teacher's Pet (2004 film)|Teacher's Pet]]'' (2004)

* Wait, wait, wait, wait, WAIT! KIDS, ASK YOUR PARENTS WHERE BABIES COME FROM!
** Who: 2013 Robin
* (mid-credits:) This is the ''[[Teen Titans (TV series)|Teen Titans]]''! Can anyone hear us? We think we found a way back!
** Who: 2003 Robin
* Challengers! I believe we may have missed the motion picture!
** Who: Unknown Challenger
** Source: ''[[Teen Titans Go! To the Movies]]'' (2018)

* Avengers! Assemble!
** Who: James Rogers
** Source: ''Next Avengers: Heroes of Tomorrow'' (2008)

* And of course, they lived happily ever after.
** Who: Jacquimo
** Source: ''[[Thumbelina (1994 film)|Thumbelina]]'' (1994)

* We live together, we train together, we fight together, we stand for good, together. We are Ninjas. We strike hard, defend, protect and fade into the night. And there ain't no bad guy or monster gonna ever change that: That's what's important. And that's why we'll always be brothers. Oh, I love bein' a turtle.
** Who: [[w:Raphael (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Raphael]]
** Source: ''[[TMNT (film)|TMNT]]'' (2007)

* Tom! Jerry! Welcome to your new home!
** Who: Robyn Starling
** Source: ''[[Tom and Jerry: The Movie]]'' (1992)

* Til All Are One!, Till All Are One!, Till All Are One!
** Who: The Autobots
** Source: ''[[The Transformers: The Movie]]'' (1986)

* Up high!
** Who: Cloud Guy
* (in-credits:) But wait, wait, wait.
** Who: Creek
** Source: ''[[Trolls (film)|Trolls]]'' (2016)
** Note: After Poppy and the other Trolls make peace with the Bergens, Creek, along with Chef is knocked out of the Bergen castle. Chef then betrays Creek by trying to eat him, but before this can happen, both are eaten alive by a hill monster.

* Glitter!
** Who: Queen Barb
* (in-credits:) But who gonna eat my cheese balls, babe?
** Who: King Gristle, Jr.
** Source: ''[[Trolls World Tour]]'' (2020)

* And it looks like the winner is...
** Who: Sports Announcer
** Source: ''[[Turbo (film)|Turbo]]'' (2013)

* We've all got an inner beast. We've all got a messy, loud, weird part of ourselves hidden away. And a lot of us never let it out. But I did. How about you?
** Who: Mei Lee
** Source: ''[[Turning Red]]'' (2022)

* She's gonna be so excited.
** Who: Father of Moxy's owner
** Source: ''[[Uglydolls]]'' (2019)

* Another blue one.
** Who: Russell
** Source: ''[[Up (2009 film)|Up]]'' (2009)

* Cheeeeeeeeeese!
** Who: Hutch the Rabbit
** Source: ''[[Wallace &amp; Gromit in The Curse of the Were-Rabbit|Wallace &amp; Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit]]'' (2005)

* This is called farming! You kids are gonna grow all kinds of plants! Vegetable plants, pizza plants! Oh, it's good to be home!
** Who: Captain B. McCrea
** Source: ''[[WALL-E]]'' (2008)

* Gotcha!
** Who: Alex
** Source: ''[[Walking with Dinosaurs (film)|Walking with Dinosaurs]]'' (2013)

* All the world will be your enemy, Prince of a Thousand enemies. And when they catch you, they will kill you. But first they must catch you; digger, listener, runner, Prince with the swift warning. Be cunning, and full of tricks, and your people will never be destroyed.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Watership Down (film)|Watership Down]]'' (1978)

* Alright, guys, let's eat! I'm gonna do syrup and honey.
** Who: Grizzly Bear
** Source: ''[[We Bare Bears: The Movie]]'' (2020)

* Nick!
** Who: Flash
* (in-credits:) Come on! Shake your tails with me, come on! Yeah!
** Who: Gazelle
** Source: ''[[Zootopia]]'' (2016)

=== ''101 Dalmatians'' film series ===

* I'm hungry, mother.
** Who: Roley
** Source: ''[[One Hundred and One Dalmatians]]''

* Say &quot;spots!&quot;
** Who: Photographer
** Source: ''[[101 Dalmatians II: Patch's London Adventure]]''

=== ''Alvin and the Chipmunks'' animated movies'' ===
* Alvin!
** Who: Dave Seville
** Source: ''[[The Chipmunk Adventure]]'' (1987)

* How does that song go again?
** Who: Dr. Frankenstein
** Source: ''Alvin and the Chipmunks Meet Frankenstein'' (1999)

* Us? Wild?
** Who: Alvin
** Source: ''Alvin and the Chipmunks Meet the Wolfman'' (2000)

=== ''[[The Angry Birds Movie]]'' film series ===

* Guys! No!
** Who: Red
* (mid-credits:) Whoa!
** Who: Jay, Jake, and Jim
** Source: ''[[The Angry Birds Movie]]'' (2016)

* Jinx! Jinx! Jinx!
** Who: Chuck and Silver
* (in-credits:) Bye-bye.
** Who: Zoe's sister
** Source: ''[[The Angry Birds Movie 2]]'' (2019)

=== ''[[Aladdin]]'' film series ===

* Made ya look.
** Who: Genie
* (post-credits, special edition only:) You have been a fabulous audience! Tell you what, you're the best audience in the whole world. Take care of yourselves! Good night, Alice! Good night, Agrabah! Adios, amigos!
** Who: Genie
** Source: ''[[Aladdin (1992 Disney film)|Aladdin]]'' (1992)

* Does this mean I don't get my third wish?
** Who: Abis Mal
** Source: ''[[The Return of Jafar]]'' (1994)

* Wait a minute. We're not gettin' outta here, man! We're not gettin' outta here! Don't ya understand it, man? This is it, game's over, man!
** Who: Genie
** Source: ''[[Aladdin and the King of Thieves]]'' (1996)

=== ''Bambi'' film series ===

* Well, I don't believe I've ever seen a more likely looking pair of fawns. Prince Bambi ought to be mighty proud.
** Who: Friend Owl
** Source: ''[[Bambi]]'' (1942)

* Actually, I was a lot like you.
** Who: The Great Prince of the Forest
** Source: ''[[Bambi II]]'' (2006)

=== ''Barbie'' film series ===

* I always knew you could.
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie in the Nutcracker'' (2001)

* When you do that, you'll never go wrong.
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie as Rapunzel'' (2002)

* Wouldn't miss it.
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie of Swan Lake'' (2003)

* And, of course, Wolfie and Serafina lived happily ever after. Along with their many, many, many kittens.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''Barbie as The Princess and the Pauper'' (2004)

* I can't believe it! I'm flying!
** Who: Elina
** Source: ''Barbie: Fairytopia'' (2005)

* I'm trying!
** Who: Blush
** Source: ''Barbie and the Magic of Pegasus'' (2005)

* Secret seaweed, huh? Oh, that is clever of you to remember that!
** Who: Dandilion
** Source: ''Barbie Fairytopia: Mermaidia'' (2006)

* Yes, Papa. I'm finally on time for something.
** Who: Genevieve
** Source: ''Barbie in the 12 Dancing Princesses'' (2006)

* Goodbye, Elina! I know you look forward to seeing me again!
** Who: Fabien
** Source: ''Barbie Fairytopia: Magic of the Rainbow'' (2007)

* (gasps) A princess!
** Who: Tika
** Source: ''Barbie as the Island Princess'' (2007)

* Bye-bye! Whee!
** Who: A Flutterpixie
** Source: ''Barbie: Mariposa'' (2008)

* Now, where were we?
* ''[singing]'' Oh-whoa-oh. Two voices, one song...
** Who: Barbie and Teresa
** Source: ''Barbie and the Diamond Castle'' (2008)

* I think that would be amazing, Kelly.
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie in A Christmas Carol'' (2008)

* Right now, I've got somewhere else to be!
** Who: Corrinne
** Source: ''Barbie and the Three Musketeers'' (2008)
 
* Oopsie! Guess old habits die hard...girlfriend!
** Who: Raquelle
** Source: ''Barbie: A Fairy Secret'' (2011)

* Come on. I wanna introduce you to everyone!
** Who: Blair Willows/Princess Sophia
** Source: ''Barbie: Princess Charm School'' (2011)

* Merry Christmas!
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie: A Perfect Christmas'' (2011)

* Meribella! Put your hands up for me! Come on!
** Who: Keira
** Source: ''Barbie: The Princess &amp; The Popstar'' (2012)

* Come on, let's go!
** Who: Kristyn Farraday
** Source: ''Barbie In The Pink Shoes'' (2013)

* OK! Now, who's got the boarding passes?
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie and her Sisters: In a Pony Tale'' (2013)

* What on earth?
** Who: Bookhurst
** Source: ''Barbie and the Secret Door'' (2014)

* One, two, three, four!
** Who: Erika Juno
** Source: ''Barbie in Rock 'n Royals'' (2015)

* And thanks to Barbie, who was the one after all, everyone lived happily ever after.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''Barbie: Star Light Adventure'' (2016)

* How about you show me those moves?
** Who: Lindsey
** Source: ''Barbie &amp; Her Sisters in A Puppy Chase'' (2016)

* Look!
** Who: Chelsea
** Source: ''Barbie Dolphin Magic'' (2017)

* She's right. Barbie, I can't hold back any longer. I think I... wanna dance with you.
** Who: Ken
** Source: ''Barbie Princess Adventure'' (2020)

* New York! Emmie here, coming at you live from Times Square to announce the winner of the Spotlight Solo! Put your hands together for my friends, Barbie Roberts and Barbie Roberts! Otherwise known as Malibu and Brooklyn, the winners of the Spotlight Solo!
** Who: Emmie
** Source: ''Barbie: Big City, Big Dreams'' (2021)

=== ''[[w:Beauty and the Beast (franchise)|Beauty and the Beast]]'' film series ===

* Do I still have to sleep in the cupboard?
** Who: Chip Potts
** Source: ''[[Beauty and the Beast (1991 film)|Beauty and the Beast]]'' (1991)

* I'd be delighted.
** Who: Fife
** Source: ''[[w:Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas|Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas]]'' (1997)

* And it begins, uh, Lumiere, with trust. Where, with mutual respect, as I have always said all relationships must be firmly based on that. One must build on a firm foundation of trust and respect in order to flourish and flow; nourish and grow. Always attentive to the needs of the other and honesty, utter honesty is the key on which...
** Who: Cogsworth
** Source: ''[[w:Belle's Magical World|Belle's Magical World]]'' (1998)

=== ''Bratz'' film series ===

* It was original, captivating, stylized, and told me so much about each one of you. You're all getting A+'s!
** Who: Mr. Del Rio
** Source: ''Bratz: Starrin' &amp; Stylin'' (2004)

* We’re the girls..
* With the passion for fashion!
* And...
* We...
* Rock!
** Who: Jade, Cloe, Yasmin and Sasha
** Source: ''Bratz Rock Angelz'' (2005)

* Please, call me Henry, all right?
** Who: Gordon Murph
** Source: ''Bratz Babyz: The Movie'' (2006)

* So, after all that work and practice, we discovered that we were really good at a lot of different things. But, what we're best at is being best friends. By helping Anna win the contest, we all ended up winners and we felt like stars!
** Who: Sasha
** Source: ''Bratz Girlz Really Rock'' (2008)

=== ''Care Bears'' film series ===

* Care for me, Mrs. Cherrywood. Just care for me.
** Who: Mr. Cherrywood
** Source: ''[[The Care Bears Movie]]'' (1985)

* Yes, sir! Everything was back to the way it was. But, as always, it was just a little bit different, a little bit better, and a little bit more special—thanks to the Care Bears, the Care Bear Cousins, and thanks to... ''(laughs)'' Well, you all know who you are. I thank my lucky Stars that there are people out there like you who really do care. You're not afraid to share your feelings—and that, my friends, makes you all world-class Care Bear Champs!
** Who: The Great Wishing Star
** Source: ''[[Care Bears Movie II: A New Generation]]'' (1986)

* Goodbye!
** Who: The Care Bears
** Source: ''Care Bears: Journey to Joke-a-lot'' (2004)

* Twinkers, did you hear? Too Loud Bear finally got your name right!
** Who: Wish Bear
** Source: ''The Care Bears' Big Wish Movie'' (2005)

* You bet!
** Who: Cheer Bear
** Source: ''Care Bears: Oopsy Does It!'' (2007)

* Oopsy.
** Who: Oopsy Bear
** Source: ''Care Bears: To the Rescue'' (2010)

*Let's get this Giving Festival started!
** Who: Princess Starglo
** Source: ''Care Bears: The Giving Festival'' (2010)

*Later, gators, I've got stars to make!
** Who: Princess Starglo
** Source: ''Care Bears: Share Bear Shines'' (2011)

=== ''[[w:Cars (franchise)|Cars]]'' film series ===

* Yeah! Ka-chow!
** Who: Lightning McQueen
* (in-credits) Wait a minute here. They're just using the [[w:John Ratzenberger|same actor]] over and over. [[w:Pixar|What kind of a cut-rate production is this?!]]
** Who: Mack
* (post-credits:) No! There's an on-ramp close! I know it! I can feel it! Ah-ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
** Who: [[w:List_of_Cars_characters#Van and Minny|Van]]
** Source: ''[[Cars (film)|Cars]]'' (2006)

* Not if I see you first!
** Who: [[w:Mater (Cars)|Tow Mater]]
** Source: ''[[Cars 2]]'' (2011)

* Go!
** Who: Luigi
* (post-credits:) Hey, McQueen! You still there? McQueen! Ugh. Technology.
** Who: [[w:Mater (Cars)|Tow Mater]]
** Source: ''[[Cars 3]]'' (2017)

* Ha-ha, you're on!
** Who: Skipper
** Source: ''[[Planes (film)]]'' (2013)

* Ladies and gentleplanes! Turn your attention to the skies for today's featured aerial presentation! The Propwash Junction Corn Fest is proud to present the Piston Peak Air Attack team, and our very own world champion racer and firefighter, Dusty Crophopper!
** Who: Chug
* (in-credits:) Welcome to Death Valley National Park. Is it hot? ''(laughs weezily)'' Yes, it is.
** Who: Cad Spinner
* (post-credits:) Yay!
** Who: Drip
** Source: ''[[Planes: Fire &amp; Rescue]]'' (2014)

=== ''[[w:Cinderella (franchise)|Cinderella]]'' film series ===

* But, you see, I have the other slipper.
** Who: [[w:Cinderella (Disney character)|Cinderella]]
** Source: ''[[Cinderella (1950 film)|Cinderella]]'' (1950)

* Once upon a time, there was a big castle... and in this castle lived a prince and a princess...
** Who: Cinderella
** Source: ''[[Cinderella II: Dreams Come True]]'' (2002)

* And they lived happily ever after... again.
** Who: Cinderella
** Source: ''[[Cinderella III: A Twist in Time]]'' (2007)

=== ''[[w:The Croods (franchise)|The Croods]]'' film series ===

* Duh-duh-duh!
** Who: Belt and Sandy Crood
** Source: ''[[The Croods]]'' (2013)

* Dad was right after all, we were stronger together.
** Who: Eep Crood
** Source: ''[[The Croods: A New Age]]'' (2020)

=== ''[[w:DC Universe Animated Original Movies|DC Universe Animated Original Movies]]'' ===

* In other news, Gotham's mysterious defender...the Batman, was seen last night helping police apprehend the leaders...of an underworld, gun-running operation...
** Who: Summer Gleason
** Source: ''[[Batman and Mr. Freeze: Subzero]]'' (1998)
* Hi, old man.
** Who: Tim Drake
** Source: ''[[Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker]]'' (2000)
* Well, maybe an explosion now and then.
** Who: Kathy Duquesne
** Source: ''[[Batman: Mystery of the Batwoman]]'' (2003)
* If history has determined that gods can die... ...it has also proven that they may return from the dead. It would seem you can't be destroyed after all, Superman. It would seem.
** Who: Lex Luthor
** Source: ''[[Superman: Doomsday]]'' (2007)
* The pioneers gave up their safety, their comfort, and sometimes their lives to build our new west. They were determined to make the new world strong and free - an example to the world. Some would say that those struggles are all over. That all the horizons have been explored. That all the battles have been won. That there is no longer an American frontier. And we stand today on the edge of a new frontier. The frontier of unknown opportunities and perils. Beyond that frontier are uncharted areas of science. Unsolved problems of peace and war. Unconquered pockets of ignorance and prejudice. I'm asking each of you to be pioneers towards that New Frontier. My call is to the young in heart, regardless of age. Can we carry through in an age where we will witness not only new breakthroughs in weapons of destruction, but also a race for mastery of the sky and the rain, the ocean and the tides, the far side of space, and the inside of men's minds? All mankind waits upon out decision. A whole world waits to see what we shall do. And we cannot fail that trust, and we cannot fail to try.
** Who: John F. Kennedy
** Source: ''[[Justice League: The New Frontier]]'' (2008)

* Sir?
** Who: Alfred Pennyworth
** Source: ''[[Batman: Gotham Knight]]'' (2008)

* Look! It's Wonder Woman!
** Who: Little girl
** Source: ''[[Wonder Woman (2009 film)|Wonder Woman]]'' (2009)

* I've gotta go punch a clock with my other boss. I can see where this is gonna be a long commute.
** Who: Hal Jordan
** Source: ''[[Green Lantern: First Flight]]'' (2009)

* &quot;Late&quot;? Come on, it's... ...early.
** Who: Superman
** Source: ''[[Superman/Batman: Public Enemies]]'' (2009)

* I'm glad you agree. I've been thinking about a membership drive.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths]]'' (2010)

* It feels awesome! Check me out! I'm Robin, the Boy wonder! Are you kidding me? This rocks. Come on, old man, we've got bad guys who need chasing. This is the best day of my life.
** Who: Young Jason Todd/Robin
** Source: ''[[Batman: Under the Red Hood]]'' (2010)

* Hey.
** Who: Superman
** Source: ''[[Superman/Batman: Apocalypse]]'' (2010)

* He's not dead. He's up there fixing the sun. And when he's done, he'll be back.
** Who: Lois Lane
** Source: ''[[All-Star Superman (film)|All-Star Superman]]'' (2011)

* We got a new home to build. Come on. I'll tell you about the time I took on an army of Manhunters and my only backup was this squirrel.
** Who: Hal Jordan
** Source: ''[[Green Lantern: Emerald Knights]]'' (2011)

* Barbara's not crazy about the marriage counselor, but we're making progress. As for me, well, there's a real panic on. Somebody has threatened to poison the Gotham reservoir. He calls himself the Joker. I've got a friend coming who might be able to help. He should be here any minute.
** Who: Lieutenant James Gordon
** Source: ''[[Batman: Year One (film)|Batman: Year One]]'' (2011)

* I do have a plan! It's called the Justice League.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[Justice League: Doom]]'' (2012)

* Can we go so I can kiss you now?
** Who: Lois Lane
** Source: ''[[Superman vs. The Elite]]'' (2012)

* Ba-Batman... Darling!
** Who: Joker
** Source: [[Batman: The Dark Knight Returns (film)|''Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, Part One'']] (2012)

* I spent 10 years looking for a good death. This... This'll be a good life. Good enough.
** Who: Bruce Wayne
** Source: [[Batman: The Dark Knight Returns (film)|''Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, Part Two'']] (2013)

* Marry me.
** Who: Clark Kent
** Source: ''[[Superman: Unbound]]'' (2013)

* You're one helluva messenger. Thank you.
** Who: Bruce Wayne
** Source: ''[[Justice League: The Flashpoint Paradox]]'' (2013)

* The surface dwellers have killed our king. This is an act of war and they will pay.
** Who: Prince Orm
** Source: ''[[Justice League: War]]'' (2014)

* No.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[Son of Batman]]'' (2014)

* Bang.
** Who: Deadshot
** Source: ''[[Batman: Assault on Arkham]]'' (2014)

* I am Lex Luthor. I have a proposition for you.
** Who: Lex Luthor
** Source: ''[[Justice League: Throne of Atlantis]]'' (2015)

* Sometimes, Alfred... ...you have to have a little faith.
** Who: Bruce Wayne
** Source: ''[[Batman vs. Robin]]'' (2015)

* Time to look ahead, Kirk. You know what they say. The past is like another planet.
** Who: Superman
** Source: ''[[Justice League: Gods and Monsters]]'' (2015)

* Master Bruce is having a heart-to-heart with Damian. One can't help feeling bad. Despite her madness, she was his mother.
** Who: Alfred Pennyworth
** Source: ''[[Batman: Bad Blood]]'' (2016)

* Raven, release me. You're too weak to keep me in here, you filthy witch! I'll get out! I'll kill everyone you love. RAVEN!!!
** Who: Trigon
** Source: ''[[Justice League vs. Teen Titans]]'' (2016)

* Yeah, Dad, I just got back from the lacrosse game. Going to practice some Wallball this weekend. Getting pretty good. Maybe another night, Dad, I got plans tonight. I can't help it if your daughter's so popular. I'll talk to you, later. Right then, back to work.
** Who: Barbara Gordon / Oracle
** Source: ''[[Batman: The Killing Joke (film)|Batman: The Killing Joke]]'' (2016)

* Now, that's what I call making yourself useful, love.
** Who: John Constantine
** Source: ''[[Justice League Dark (film)|Justice League Dark]]'' (2017)

* I talk to the dead. For no matter how rotted the corpse, there's always a tiny wisp of life left.
** Who: Brother Blood
** Source: ''[[Teen Titans: The Judas Contract]]'' (2017)

* Aw... Ain't that a shame? Wendel is headed back to his crummy house and all those cats without getting the help he so desperately needs. Oh, well, that's it for today's show. Till next time, folks. Be good to yourselves. 'Cause everyone else in the world is probably out to get you. Bye-bye!
** Who: Dr. Harleen Quinzel
** Source: ''[[Batman and Harley Quinn]]'' (2017)

* It was all phony anyway. We'll make something new. Something better.
** Who: Dickie
** Source: ''[[Batman: Gotham by Gaslight]]'' (2018)

* I'll be seeing you, Waller. Maybe in heaven.
** Who: Deadshot
** Source: ''[[Suicide Squad: Hell to Pay]]'' (2018)

* Superman?
** Who: Jimmy Olsen
** Source: ''[[The Death of Superman (film)|The Death of Superman]]'' (2018)

* Okay, who left the front door open?
** Who: Green Lantern
** Source: ''[[Reign of the Supermen (film)|Reign of the Supermen]]'' (2019)

* Jessica Cruz. It's an honor.
** Who: Brainiac 5
** Source: ''[[w:Justice League vs. the Fatal Five|Justice League vs. the Fatal Five]]'' (2019)

* Someday.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[w:Batman: Hush (film)|Batman: Hush]]'' (2019)

* You think I'm intimidated? I've won. I'm coming for you, Wonder Woman. Do you hear me, Wonder Woman? I am coming for you!
** Who: Veronica Cale
** Source: ''[[w:Wonder Woman: Bloodlines|Wonder Woman: Bloodlines]]'' (2019)

* I kind of like that last option.
** Who: Lois Lane
** Source: ''[[w:Superman: Red Son (film)|Superman: Red Son]]'' (2020)

* And some of those changes may be shite. And we may make the same mistakes again. It won't be perfect... but it'll be a long sight better than what we got now.
** Who: John Constantine
** Source: ''[[w:Justice League Dark: Apokolips War|Justice League Dark: Apokolips War]]'' (2020)

=== ''[[w:Despicable Me (franchise)|Despicable Me]]'' film series ===

* No, I'm fine. Go ahead. No, no, no!
** Who: Gru
* (post-credits:) I am Gru. Back to work! Back to work! Back to...
** Who: Kevin
** Source: ''[[Despicable Me]]'' (2010)

* I'm so happy!
** Who: Agnes Gru
** Source: ''[[Despicable Me 2]]'' (2013)

* Come on, He's my brother. We'll give him a 5 minute head start.
** Who: Felonious Gru
** Source: ''[[Despicable Me 3]]'' (2017)

* Freeze ray!
** Who: Felonious Gru
** Source: ''[[Minions (film)|Minions]]'' (2015)

=== ''[[w:Fantasia (franchise)|Fantasia]]'' film series ===

* The last number in our ''Fantasia'' program is a combination of two pieces of music so utterly different in construction and mood that they set each other off perfectly. The first is ''A Night On Bald Mountain'', by one of Russia's greatest composers, Modest Mussorgsky. The second is Franz Schubert's world-famous ''Ave Maria''. Musically and dramatically, we have here a picture of the struggle between the profane and the sacred. Bald Mountain, according to tradition, is the gathering place of Satan and his followers. Here on ''Walpurgisnacht'', which is the equivalent of our own Halloween, the creatures of evil gather to worship their master. Under his spell, they dance furiously until the coming of dawn and the sounds of church bells send the infernal army slinking back into their abodes of darkness. And then we hear the Ave Maria, with its message of the triumph of hope and life over the powers of despair and death.
** Who: [[w:Deems Taylor|Deems Taylor]]
** Source: ''[[Fantasia (1940 film)|Fantasia]]'' (1940)

* Camera back on me. Uh, camera back on me, please. Anyone? Hello? Hello? Could someone give me a ride home?
** Who: [[Steve Martin]]
** Source: ''[[Fantasia 2000]]'' (2000)

=== ''[[w:Finding Nemo (franchise)|Finding Nemo]]'' film series ===

* Bye, son.
** Who: Marlin
* (pre-credits:) Now what?
** Who: Bloat
** Source: ''[[Finding Nemo]]'' (2003)

* Yep. Unforgettable.
** Who: Dory
* (post-credits:) Now what?
** Who: Bloat
** Source: ''[[Finding Dory]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:Frozen (franchise)|Frozen]]'' film series ===

* That's it. Glide and pivot. Glide and pivot.
** Who: Olaf
** Source: ''[[Frozen (2013 film)|Frozen]]'' (2013)

* Ready?
** Who: Elsa
* (post-credits:) Oh. We live! WE LIVE!!! Good story.
** Who: Marshmallow 
** Source: ''[[Frozen II]]'' (2019)

=== ''[[w:Happy Feet (franchise)|Happy Feet]]'' film series ===

* Gracias.
** Who: Ramón
** Source: ''[[Happy Feet]]'' (2006)

* Ja, The Svened.
** Who: The Mighty Sven
** Source: ''[[Happy Feet Two]]'' (2011)

=== ''[[w:Hotel Transylvania (franchise)|Hotel Transylvania]]'' film series ===

* Alright, maybe just a little.
** Who: Dracula
* (in-credits) I didn't do that.
** Who: Elderly Gremlin
** Source: ''[[Hotel Transylvania|Hotel Transylvania]]'' (2012)

* I didn't do that.
** Who: Elderly Gremlin
** Source: ''[[Hotel Transylvania 2]]'' (2015)

* Yes!
** Who: Ericka van Helsing
** Source: ''[[Hotel Transylvania 3: Summer Vacation]]'' (2018)

=== ''[[w:Hoodwinked!|Hoodwinked!]]'' film series ===

* I always did like happy endings.
** Who: Red Puckett
** Source: ''[[Hoodwinked!]]'' (2005)

* Hey, girls. Let's call it a night.
** Who: Twitchy
** Source: ''[[Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil]]'' (2011)

=== ''[[w:How to Train Your Dragon|How to Train Your Dragon]]'' film series ===

* This is Berk. It snows nine months of the year and hails the other three. Any food that grows here is tough and tasteless. The people that grow here are even more so. The only upsides are the pets. While other places have ponies or parrots... we have... dragons!
** Who: Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III
** Source: ''[[How to Train Your Dragon (film)|How to Train Your Dragon]]'' (2010)

* This... is Berk. A bit trampled and busted and covered in ice, but it's home. It's our home. Those who attacked us are relentless and crazy. But those who stopped them? Oh, even more so! We may be small in numbers, but we stand for something bigger than anything the world can pit against us. We are the voice of peace. And bit by bit, we will change this world. You see, we have something they don't. Oh sure, they have armies and they have armadas... But we... we have... OUR DRAGONS!
** Who: Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III
** Source: ''[[How to Train Your Dragon 2]]'' (2014)

* Legend says that when the ground quakes or lava spews from the earth, it's the dragons letting us know they're still here. Waiting for us to figure out how to get along. Yes, the world believes the dragons are gone, if they ever existed at all. But we Berkians, we know otherwise. And we'll guard this secret until the time comes when dragons can return in peace.
** Who: Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III
** Source: ''[[How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World]]'' (2019)

=== ''[[w:Ice Age (franchise)|Ice Age]]'' film series ===

* No, really...
** Who: [[w:List_of_Ice_Age_characters#Sid|Sid]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age (2002 film)|Ice Age]]'' (2002)

* Calm down! I saved you, little buddy! Remember!?
** Who: [[w:List_of_Ice_Age_characters#Sid|Sid]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: The Meltdown]]'' (2006)

* That's right, sweetheart. Welcome to the Ice Age.
** Who: [[w:List_of_Ice_Age_characters#Ellie|Ellie]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs]]'' (2009)

* No! Stop! Brother, rise above this base desire. Be more than a rodent.
** Who: Ariscratle
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: Continental Drift]]'' (2012)

* Mars: the red planet. Cold... dry... inhospitable to life. But billions and billions of years ago, Mars looked like this. There were lakes, rivers, oceans... the perfect conditions for life to form. So, what happened? Why was life unable to take hold? Where did the water go? We may never know.
** Who: [[w:List_of_Ice_Age_characters#Neil deBuck Weasel|Neil deBuck Weasel]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: Collision Course]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:The Incredibles (franchise)|The Incredibles]]'' film series ===

* Behold, the Underminer! I am always beneath you, but nothing is beneath me! I hereby declare war on peace and happiness! Soon, all will tremble before me!
** Who: The Underminer
** Source: ''[[The Incredibles]]'' (2004)

* Stop! Let us out! Here, large popcorn, small soda. Save me a seat. Center, about eight rows back. I'll be back before the previews are over!
** Who: [[w:Violet Parr|Violet Parr]]
** Source: ''[[Incredibles 2]]'' (2018)

=== ''[[Kim Possible]]'' film series ===

* No idea why I said that!
** Who: Ron Stoppable
** Source: ''[[Kim Possible: A Sitch in Time]]'' (2003)

* It finally happened! She's dating that loser! Kim Possible and Ron Stoppable are dating!? ''(Laughs loudly)''
** Who: Bonnie Rockwaller
** Source: ''[[Kim Possible Movie: So the Drama]]'' (2005)

=== ''[[w:Kung Fu Panda (franchise)|Kung Fu Panda]]'' film series ===

* Yeah.
** Who: [[w:List_of_Kung_Fu_Panda_characters#Master Shifu|Master Shifu]]
** Source: ''[[Kung Fu Panda]]'' (2008)

* My son is alive...
** Who: [[w:List_of_Kung_Fu_Panda_characters#Li Shan|Li Shan]]
** Source: ''[[Kung Fu Panda 2]]'' (2011)

* Panda Asthma.
** Who: [[w:List_of_Kung_Fu_Panda_characters#Li Shan|Li Shan]]
** Source: ''[[Kung Fu Panda 3]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:Lady and the Tramp|Lady and the Tramp]]'' film series ===

* Huh? I haven't? Well, uh, as Old Reliable used to say... He'd say, uh, uh... He'd say, uh, uh... Doggone. You know, I clean forgot what it was he used to say!
** Who: Trusty
** Source: ''[[Lady and the Tramp]]'' (1955)

* Angel!
** Who: Junior
** Source: ''[[Lady and the Tramp II: Scamp's Adventure]]'' (2001)

=== ''[[w:The Land Before Time (franchise)|The Land Before Time]]'' film series ===

* And they all grew up together in the valley, generation upon generation, each passing on to the next. The tale of their ancestors' journey to the valley, long ago.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time]]'' (1988)

* But I still can't wait to grow up.
** Who: Littlefoot
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time II: The Great Valley Adventure]]'' (1994)

* And so, as it turned out, the dinosaurs traveled from green spot to green spot, eating their fill, each helping the others to find what they needed, each learning the special kind of joy, which comes from giving to others. And in the years to come, this story of sharing was told over and over again, until it became known as: &quot;The Time of the Great Giving.&quot;
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time III: The Time of the Great Giving]]'' (1995)

* And so, it came to pass that the migrating dinosaurs left the Great Valley for lands unknown. And yes, Littlefoot and his friends, Cera, Ducky, Petrie and Spike, would indeed meet Ali again one day. But that's another story.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time IV: Journey Through the Mists]]'' (1996)

* It's great to be home.
** Who: Cera
** ''[[The Land Before Time V: The Mysterious Island]]'' (1997)

* And so, another myth was born. It would change with each retelling. And even now, who knows how this one will end.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time VI: The Secret of Saurus Rock]]'' (1998)

* Oh, no! Oh, no! But we are plenty smart, right, Spike?
* Uh-huh.
** Who 1: Ducky
** Who 2: Spike
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time VII: The Stone of Cold Fire]]'' (1999)

* The families would be happy here until the Great Circle began to warm the land once more, melting the white ground sparkles and allowing new life to spring up, turning the earth green again. Then they could return to the Great Valley, where they could all get a good night's sleep, even Ducky.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time VIII: The Big Freeze]]'' (2001)

* This adventure was at an end. Still, Littlefoot, Cera, Ducky, Petrie and Spike knew in their hearts that there would be many more adventures yet to come.
** Who: Narrator
** Source:''[[The Land Before Time IX: Journey to Big Water]]'' (2002)

* I just have one question. Do we HAVE to go back through the swamp?
** Who: Ducky
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time X: The Great Longneck Migration]]'' (2003)

* And every nibbling day, the dinosaurs of the Great Valley gathered to celebrate these small things of life which mattered so much.
* Got you!
** Who 1: Narrator
** Who 2: Petrie
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time XI: Invasion of the Tinysauruses]]'' (2005)

* Many changes had occurred on this day of changes. And many more would follow. The dinosaur families understood this. They knew that change was a part of life in the Great Valley.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time XII: The Great Day of the Flyers]]'' (2006)

* In their journey to Berry Valley, the young dinosaurs had discovered that wisdom came in many different forms. And they knew that more lessons lay before them as they grew in the land before time.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time XIII: The Wisdom of Friends]]'' (2007)

* Littlefoot had found his father. And he found something else, too... Something he wasn't looking for. The realization that he and his friends would always be together... till the end of their days... in the Land Before Time.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time XIV: Journey of the Brave]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:The Lego Movie (franchise)|The Lego Movie]]'' film series ===

* Oh, man.
** Who: Emmet Brickowski
** Source: ''[[The Lego Movie]]'' (2014)

* Wow, that was fun! Really hope nobody was recording that. Let me see. Oh, this thing is on. This thing is recording.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[The Lego Batman Movie]]'' (2017)

* B mark.
** Who: Director
** Source: ''[[The Lego Ninjago Movie]]'' (2017)

* An original album of ''Everything is Awesome''?! Wait a minute. Is that...? 
** Who: Emmet Brickowski
** Source: ''[[The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part]]'' (2019)

=== ''[[w:Lilo &amp; Stitch (franchise) (franchise)|Lilo &amp; Stitch]]'' film series ===

* Wait.
** Who: Stitch
** Source: ''[[Lilo &amp; Stitch]]'' (2002)

* And with 626, they make one hotshot evil genius experiment-catching team!
** Who: Jumba Jookiba
* (post-credits:) I'll get the wig.
** Who: Wendy Pleakley
** Source: ''[[Stitch! The Movie]]'' (2003)

* Mom would be so proud of you.
** Who: Nani Pelekai
** Source: ''[[Lilo &amp; Stitch 2: Stitch Has a Glitch]]'' (2005)

* Aloha!
** Who: The Pelekai ''ʻohana'': Lilo Pelekai, Stitch, Nani Pelekai, David Kawena, Jumba Jookiba, Wendy Pleakley, Mertle Edmonds, and many of Jumba's genetic experiments (Stitch's &quot;cousins&quot;)
** Source: ''[[Leroy &amp; Stitch]]'' (2006)

=== ''[[w:The Lion King (franchise)|The Lion King]]'' film series ===

* Remember...
** Who: Mufasa's Ghost
** Source: ''[[The Lion King]]'' (1994)

* Well done, my son. We are one.
** Who: Mufasa's Ghost
** Source: ''[[The Lion King II: Simba's Pride]]'' (1998)

* Uh, Timon? I still don't do so well in crowds.
** Who: Pumbaa
** Source: ''[[The Lion King 1½]]'' (2004)

=== ''[[w:The Little Mermaid (franchise)|The Little Mermaid]]'' film series ===

* I love you, daddy.
** Who: Ariel
** Source: ''[[The Little Mermaid (1989 film)|The Little Mermaid]]'' (1989)

* Hi.
** Who: Melody
** Source: ''[[The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea]]'' (2000)

* That's my girl. Samba? Ooh-wa, ooh-wa! 
** Who: Benjamin
** Source: ''[[The Little Mermaid: Ariel's Beginning]]'' (2008)

=== ''[[w:Madagascar (franchise)|Madagascar]]'' film series ===

* Nah. Just smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave.
** Who: Skipper
** Source: ''[[Madagascar (2005 film)|Madagascar]]'' (2005)

* Shake 'em. Shake 'em. Shake 'em. Shake 'em...
** Who: King Julian XII
** Source: ''[[Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa]]'' (2008)

* Hey, Skipper, what did you end up doing with the crazy lady, anyway?
** Who: Alex
** Source: ''[[Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted]]'' (2012)

* You know, if I'm being honest, I expected a little more... pizzazz! Yes! Now, that's pizzazz!
** Who: King Julian XII
** Source: ''[[Penguins of Madagascar]]'' (2014)

=== ''[[w:Monsters, Inc. (franchise)|Monsters, Inc.]]'' film series ===

* Kitty!
** Who: Boo
** Source: ''[[Monsters, Inc.]]'' (2001)

* You better believe it.
** Who: Mike Wazowski
* (post-credits:) Great.
** Who: Student Slug Monster
** Source: ''[[Monsters University]]'' (2013)

=== ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls'' film series ===

* Just a hunch.
** Who: Pinkie Pie
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Equestria Girls]]'' (2013)

* One! Two! Three! Four!
** Who: Human Pinkie Pie
* (post-credits:) No doubt about it, Spike, there's definitely something strange going on at that school.
** Who: Human Twilight Sparkle (Sci-Twi)
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Rainbow Rocks]]'' (2014)

* Make that the ''second'' strangest.
** Who: Princess Twilight Sparkle
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Friendship Games]]'' (2015)

* Where did the magic that hit this cave come from?
** Who: Sunset Shimmer
* (post-credits:) Let's celebrate!
** Who: Human Pinkie Pie
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Legend of Everfree]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:The Nut Job|The Nut Job]]'' film series ===

* Any more big ideas? Please stay.
** Who: Norvirus Raccoon
** Source: ''[[The Nut Job]]'' (2014)
** Note: A mid-credits scene reveals that Raccoon and Cardinal survived and were drifted out to sea, but sharks now surround them, leaving their fate ambiguous.

* Ride, Precious! Ride! Hiyah!
** Who: Surly
** Source: ''[[The Nut Job 2: Nutty by Nature]]'' (2017)

=== ''[[w:Open Season (franchise)|Open Season]]'' film series ===

* Wait, wait. No. No. No!
** Who: Shaw
** Source: ''[[Open Season]]'' (2006)

* Come on!
** Who: Elliot
** Source: ''[[Open Season 2]]'' (2009)

* Boop!
** Who: Allistar
** Source: ''[[Open Season 3]]'' (2011)

* No.
** Who: Boog
** Source: ''[[Open Season: Scared Silly]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:The Rescuers|The Rescuers]]'' film series ===

* I sure wish we'd have taken the train.
** Who: Bernard
** Source: ''[[The Rescuers]]'' (1977)

* Help! Anybody! Bernard! Bianca! Where are you? Okay, that's it, I'm out of here. This is ridiculous. You can't leave me here alone. I'm gone! I am gone. Oh. Aw, no, stay in those eggs! That's a direct order! Oh. Hey, you're kind of a cute little feller. Coochy, coochy... Yeowww! Whoa! Ohhh!
** Who: Wilbur
** Source: ''[[The Rescuers Down Under]]'' (1990)

=== ''[[w:Rio (franchise)|Rio]]'' film series ===

* That's my big brave boy.
** Who: Linda Gunderson
* (in-credits:) I love you, Rio!
** Who: Luiz
** Source: ''[[Rio (film)|Rio]]'' (2011)

* That's the end?
** Who: Pedro
** Source: ''[[Rio 2]]'' (2014)

=== ''Rugrats'' film series ===

* Way to go, Dilly!
** Who: Tommy Pickles, Chuckie Finster, Phil and Lil Deville
** Source: ''[[The Rugrats Movie]]'' (1998)

* Well, Tommy. I guess this is the way things are gonna be from now on.
** Who: Chuckie Finster
** Source: ''[[Rugrats in Paris: The Movie]]'' (2000)

* Well, Eliza, as dog is my witness, I'll never lose my babies again!
** Who: Spike the Dog
** Source: ''[[Rugrats Go Wild]]'' (2003)

=== ''[[w:Shrek (franchise)|Shrek]]'' film series ===

* Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe.
** Who: [[w:Donkey (Shrek)|Donkey]]
** Source: ''[[Shrek]]'' (2001)

* Hey Donkey, that's Spanish!
** Who: [[w:Puss in Boots (Shrek)|Puss in Boots]]
* (mid-credits:) Look at our little mutant babies! I gotta get a job!
** Who: [[w:Donkey (Shrek)|Donkey]]
** Source: ''[[Shrek 2]]'' (2004)

* I got it.
** Who: [[w:Shrek (character)|Shrek]]
** Source: ''[[Shrek the Third]]'' (2007)

* No, it was ''you'' that rescued ''me.''
** Who: [[w:Shrek (character)|Shrek]]
** Source: ''[[Shrek Forever After]]'' (2010)

* This is the story of a cat who became a hero. An outlaw dedicated to justice and a lover of beautiful woman. A great, great lover. Really, it is crazy. I am Puss in Boots! And my name would become legend.
** Who: [[w:Puss in Boots (Shrek)|Puss in Boots]]
* (in-credits:) Oh!
** Who: Oh Cat
** Source: ''[[Puss in Boots (2011 film)|Puss in Boots]]'' (2011)

=== ''[[w:SpongeBob SquarePants (film series)|SpongeBob SquarePants]]'' film series ===

* Are you crazy? I was just gonna tell you that your fly is down. Manager! This is the greatest day of my life!!!
** Who: SpongeBob SquarePants
* (post credits:) Okay.
** Who: Captain Bart the Pirate
** Source: ''[[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie]]'' (2004)

* See you later, te-ammate!
** Who: [[w:SpongeBob SquarePants (character)|SpongeBob SquarePants]]
* That was pretty good actually.
** Who: Bubbles
* (in-credits:) You know what this needs? A little interpretive dance!
** Who: [[w:Squidward Tentacles|Squidward Tentacles]]
** Source: ''[[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water]]'' (2015)

* Order up!
** Who: [[w:SpongeBob SquarePants (character)|SpongeBob SquarePants]]
** Source: ''[[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge on the Run]]'' (2020)

=== ''[[w:Surf's Up (film)|Surf's Up]]'' film series ===

* Cody would never do this.
** Who: Edna Maverick
** Source: ''[[Surf's Up]]'' (2007)

* Okay, That's a wrap on this episode of &quot;Are they still cool? Surf Edition&quot;. Aaaand cut.
** Who: Announcer
** Source: ''[[Surf's Up 2: WaveMania]]'' (2017)

=== ''[[w:Toy Story (franchise)|Toy Story]]'' film series ===

* Oh, what is it? What is it? Wow! A puppy!
** Who: Andy Davis
** Source: ''[[Toy Story]]'' (1995)

* Besides, when it all ends, I'll have old Buzz Lightyear to keep me company - for infinity and beyond.
** Who: Woody
* Yeah!
** Who: Wheezy
* (outtakes:) A little break, okay. Phew.
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''[[Toy Story 2]]'' (1999)

* So long, partner. Oh hey, Buzz! You haven't met Bonnie's toys yet! 
** Who: Woody
* (in-credits:) Just go with it, Buzz.
** Who: Jessie
** Source: ''[[Toy Story 3]]'' (2010)

* He's not lost. Not anymore. To infinity...
* ...and beyond.
** Who 1: Buzz Lightyear
** Who 2: Woody
* (mid-credits 1:) Oh yeah. Leave it to us, Jermiah.
** Who: Ducky
* (mid-credits 2:) Yeah. We know exactly what to do.
** Who: Bunny
* (mid-credits 3:) Whoa.
** Who: Duke Caboom
* (mid-credits 4:) I don't know.
** Who: Forky
* (post-credits:) Caboom! Yes.
** Who: Duke Caboom
** Source: ''[[Toy Story 4]]'' (2019)

* To infinity...
* ...and beyond.
** Who 1: Izzy Hawthorne
** Who 2: Buzz Lightyear
* (mid-credits:) [laughs] Laser Shield.
**Who: Commander Burnside
*(post-credits:) Ask the bromite swamps, a breathtaking sight or so I am told, but if you're in a hurry, this would be your most direct route. Any questions? Hello? Oh...
**Who: E.R.I.C.
** Source: ''[[Lightyear (film)|Lightyear]]'' (2022)

=== ''[[Winnie the Pooh]]'' film series ===

* Wherever they go, and whatever happens to them on the way, in their enchanted place on top of the forest, a little bear will always be waiting.
** Who: The narrator
** Source: ''[[The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh]]'' (1977)

* Yes, Piglet. It's the least we could do... for a very small Piglet who's done such very big things. Thank you, Piglet.
** Who: Pooh
** Source: ''[[Piglet's Big Movie]]'' (2003)

* And so it is here we shall leave them. And here we shall find them again. For the boy and the bear will always be together in this remarkable place called the Hundred Acre Wood.
** Who: The narrator
** Source: ''[[Pooh's Grand Adventure: The Search for Christopher Robin]]'' (1997)

* You know, we never really did capture a Heffalump that day. It was more like... like Lumpy captured all of us.
** Who: Pooh
** Source: ''[[Pooh's Heffalump Movie]]'' (2005)

* You were right! I love Hallowoon! Hallow-woo... Hallow... Oh, whatever. As long as we're together!
** Who: Lumpy
** Source: ''[[Pooh's Heffalump Halloween Movie]]'' (2006)

* Look this way, everybody. Closer. Smile!
** Who: Christopher Robin
** Source: ''[[The Tigger Movie]]'' (2000)

* Silly old bear.
** Who: Christopher Robin
* (post-credits:) Wow! It's amazing what you can find in the woods. A marble! And a boot! And oh, my, that's a scary-lookin' fella. Gosh! Maybe these are his things. You know, I better pick 'em up so they won't get broken. That's the last thing I would want. Whoa!  Oh, my gosh! Is this a pit? I think I'm in a pit! Hello? Anybody up there? Oh, well. I sure hope that fella will be back soon.
** Who: The Backson
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh (film)|Winnie the Pooh]]'' (2011)
** Note: He comes out of the scary woods and proves to be real but instead of being a monstrous beast, he is actually very kind and the bait Pooh and the other left for him he decided to pick them up to return to them but falls into the pit as planned. He decides to wait for someone to help him out and hopes he'll be back soon.

* And so another Christmas came and went in the Hundred Acre Wood. It had been a joyous season of giving for all our friends, but especially for a little bear named Winnie the Pooh.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh: Seasons of Giving]]'' (1999)

* Not bad! But it could've used a few more jingly bells.
** Who: Tigger
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh: A Very Merry Pooh Year]]'' (2002)

* BBFN: Bye-Bye For Now!
** Who: Roo
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh: Springtime With Roo]]'' (2004)

=== ''[[Winx Club]]'' film series ===

* And thus, the fairy that was searching for her origins learned to believe in herself, and to trust the people she loved. She stayed true to herself, and to what she believed in, and won her greatest battle, saving her kingdom, freeing her people, and reuniting her family, and finally becoming a true guardian fairy. And now written in the Book of Fate, there's a new Company of Light... the Winx!
** Who: Bartelby (Dubbing Brothers)
* And so, the most strong-willed of all fairies overcame the greatest challenge. She learned to believe in herself and trust the people she loved. She stayed true to what was in her heart and in doing so she saved a kingdom, freed her people, and reunited her long-lost family. And finally, she became a true Guardian Fairy. And now written in the Book of Fate, there's a new Company of Light, called... the Winx!
** Who: Bartelby (Atlas Oceanic)
* (pre-credits:) And soon we'll loop their stupid little fairy wings right off their bodies!
** Who: Icy (Dubbing Brothers)
* (pre-credits:) And soon we reap their weak little fairy wings right of their bodies!
** Who: Icy (Atlas Oceanic)
** Source: ''[[Winx Club: The Secret of the Lost Kingdom]]'' (2007)

* Daddy...
** Who: Bloom
* (post-credits:) Ta-da!!!
** Who: Stella
** Source: ''[[Winx Club 3D: Magical Adventure]]'' (2010)

* Kiko... Thank you! I'm really dying for an ice cream!
** Who: Sky
** Source: ''[[Winx Club: The Mystery of the Abyss]]'' (2014)

=== ''[[w:Wreck-It Ralph (franchise)|Wreck-It Ralph]]'' film series ===

* But I gotta say, the best part of my day is when I get thrown off the roof. Because when the Nicelanders lift me up, I get a perfect view of Sugar Rush, and I can see Vanellope racing. The kid's a natural, the players love her, glitch and all, just like I knew they would. Turns out I don't need a medal to tell me I'm a good guy. Because if that little kid likes me... how bad can I be?
** Who: [[w:Wreck-it Ralph (character)|Wreck-it Ralph]]
** Source: ''[[Wreck-It Ralph]]'' (2012)

* Come on Felix, let's get to work, buddy.
* (mid-credits:) No, the kitty gets the milkshake. The bunny gets the pancake.
* (post-credits:) Oh no, why would I?! I like you! You guys still sticking around? Alright well, you're welcome to stay, there's not really anymore surprises but you know. Good luck getting that song out of your head it's a real ear wig. Anyway what else uh...
** Who: [[w:Wreck-it Ralph (character)|Wreck-it Ralph]]
** Source: ''[[Ralph Breaks the Internet]]'' (2018)

== Streaming service films ==

=== Disney+ films ===

* Hey! Movie's over! Go home!
** Who: Terry
** Source: ''[[Soul (2020 film)|Soul]]'' (2020)

=== Netflix films ===

* Well, rickety biscuit.
** Who: Edmée
** Source: ''[[Arlo the Alligator Boy]]'' (2021)

* Yay! I missed you so much!
** Who: GIR
** Source: ''[[Invader Zim: Enter the Florpus]]'' (2019)

* No!
** Who: Bobby Santiago
* (in-credits:) Just the right amount of cinnamon.
** Who: Lincoln Loud
** Source: ''[[The Loud House Movie]]'' (2021)

* Whew! Hey, guys. What did I miss? ''Aaaaaahhhhh''--
** Who: Balloon Pony
* (post-credits:) Me first!
** Who: Kid Earth Pony 1
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: A New Generation]]'' (2021)

* Woo-hoo...OOF!
** Who: Hilda
** Source: ''[[Hilda and The Mountain King]]'' (2021)

* Two thousand one boogers on the wall, two thousand and one boogers... Pick one out and flick it off, two thousand and two boogers on the wall. Two thousand and two boogers on the wall, two thousand and two boogers...
** Who: Mr. Dupette
** Source: ''[[Rocko's Modern Life: Static Cling]]'' (2019)

=== Paramount+ films ===

* We just had another call asking to speak with Victor Chouce. You're quite a popular man, Victor. I wonder what all the fuss is about. Don't feel like talking, huh? You will.
** Who: Warden
** Source: ''[[South Park: Post Covid]]'' (2021)

* Remember folks, weed can't solve all your problems but tegridy can. Tegridy Weeeed.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[South Park: Post Covid: The Return of Covid]]'' (2021)

* Yeah, well, you see, ManBearPig, eventually, he gonna kill everybody. He just gonna kill you first.
** Who: Pi-Pi
** Source: ''[[South Park: The Streaming Wars]]'' (2022)

* Yeah, but that all sounds really hard. We have enough water for the summer now. Fuck it. Let's smoke some weed!
** Who: Randy Marsh
** Source: ''[[South Park: The Streaming Wars Part 2]]'' (2022)

== Animated TV specials ==

* D.W., turn that thing off!
** Who: Arthur Read
** Source: ''Arthur's Perfect Christmas'' (2000)
* Well, you kids will never believe this, but I could almost swear I saw a cat – a Cat in the Hat, mind you – going down the street with a moss-covered three-handled family gradunza!
** Who: Mother
** Source: ''[[The Cat in the Hat (TV special)|The Cat in the Hat]]'' (1971)
* C'mon, sis. Let's go talk to Mom and Dad.
** Who: Michael
** Source: ''[[Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue]]'' (1990)

* There is a story, some kids tell about when the world was ruled by an evil adult. A story about a boy, his dad, a book, and a tree. It's the true story about how I found the book of KND and what I wrote in it. Five words only. WE. ARE. KIDS. NEXT. DOOR.
** Who: Nigel Uno (Numbuh One)
** Source: ''[[Codename: Kids Next Door - Operation Z.E.R.O.]]'' (2006)

* It's taken me so many years, so many lifetimes, but at last I know where I'm going. Where I've always been going. Home, the long way round.
** Who: The [[Eleventh Doctor]]
** Source: ''[[Eleventh Doctor|Doctor Who: The Day of the Doctor]]'' (2013)

* Mr. Phillip has wished, and so I shall use my power. With a wave of my hands, I shall say, &quot;au revoir, Eiffel Tower!&quot;
** Who: Adil
** Source: ''[[Genie in the House|Genie in the House: Legend of the Dragon]]'' (2010)

* Oh, I love it, Philip, I love it too bits!
** Who: Max Baxter
** Source: ''[[Genie in the House|Genie in the House: Return to Balamkadaar]]'' (2008)

* We'll be waiting right here.
** Who: Stella Shortman
** Source: ''[[Hey Arnold!: The Jungle Movie]]'' (2017)

* Welcome, Christmas, bring your cheer. Cheer to all Whos far and near. Christmas Day is in our grasp, so as long as we have hands to clap, Christmas Day will always be just as long as we have. Welcome, Christmas. While we stand... Heart to heart... and hand to hand.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[w: How the Grinch stole Christmas|Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas]]'' (1966)

* Merry Christmas!
** Who: [[w:Santa Claus|Santa Claus]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: A Mammoth Christmas]]'' (2011)

* The ship is terrible! Not seaworthy! Bunny overboard!
** Who: [[w:List_of_Ice_Age_characters#Squint|Squint]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: The Great Egg-Scapade]]'' (2016)
** Note: Squint trying to sail away in a basket as a ship but unfortunately it sinks.

* Merry Christmas and happy Julianuary, everybody!
** Who: Mort
** Source: ''[[Merry Madagascar]]'' (2009)

* Two, three four!
** Who: River
** Source: ''My Scene: Jammin' in Jamaica'' (2004)

* To sharing secrets with the best friends anyone could ever have!
** Who: Chelsea
** Source: ''My Scene: Masquerade Madness'' (2004)

* What? It's none of your business!
** Who: Beth
** Source: ''Polly Pocket: Lunar Eclipse'' (2003)

* Still, it was mad fun!
** Who: Pia Pocket
** Source: ''Polly Pocket: 2 Cool at the Pocket Plaza'' (2005)

* Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho!
** Who: [[w:Santa Claus|Santa Claus]]
** Source: ''[[Stick Man]]'' (2015)

* Okay, next time, we're going to Mexico. OW!
** Who: Beast Boy
** Source: ''[[Teen Titans: Trouble in Tokyo]]'' (2006)

* Above all, do not lament my absence, for in my spark, I know that this is not the end, but merely a new beginning. Simply put, another transformation.
** Who: Optimus Prime
** Source: ''[[Transformers: Prime|Transformers: Prime - Predacons Rising]]'' (2013)

* First one inside gets to give him mouth to mouth!
** Who: Lee
* (post-credits:) It's the end of the movie? What movie?
** Who: Jonny 2X4
** Source: ''[[Ed, Edd n Eddy's Big Picture Show]]'' (2009)

* That night, the stars seemed to shine down on the forest with a special warm glow. Schaeffer wondered if he could have dreamt it all. Surely a star had fallen and spread magic in its path? And one special wish had come true, just now. And then Schaeffer stopped wondering, because he suddenly knew that if Broo had made it to the Evergreen Forest, then he would soon see Sophia and the Raccoons too.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Raccoons and the Lost Star]]'' (1983)

=== ''[[Futurama]]'' ===

* Well, we're boned.
** Who: Bender
** Source: ''[[Futurama: Bender's Big Score]]'' (2007)

* Because Bender knows love. And love doesn't share itself with the world. Love is suspicious, love is needy, love is fearful, love is greedy. My friends, there is no great love without great jealousy. I love you, meatbags.
** Who: Bender
** Source: ''[[Futurama: The Beast with a Billion Backs]]'' (2008)

* Faster! Faster! Slower!
** Who: Professor Farnsworth
** Source: ''[[Futurama: Bender's Game]]'' (2008)

* Go! Go!
** Who: Fry and Leela
** Source: ''[[Futurama: Into the Wild Green Yonder]]'' (2009)

=== ''[[The Jimmy Timmy Power Hour Specials]]'' ===

* GET OUT OF MY LAB!
** Who: Jimmy Neutron
** Source: ''Jimmy Timmy Power Hour'' (2004)

* Boys, boys! Please! This fighting over me has got to stop!
** Who: Cindy Vortex
** Source: ''Jimmy Timmy Power Hour 2: When Nerds Collide'' (2006)

* Okay, give him his brain back, boys.
** Who: Cindy Vortex
** Source: ''Jimmy Timmy Power Hour 3: The Jerkinators'' (2006)

=== ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls'' specials ===

* Me too!
** Who: Sour Sweet
** Source: ''Dance Magic'' (2017)

* Uh, sorry.
** Who: Human Rainbow Dash
** Source: ''Movie Magic'' (2017)

* Right.
** Who: Starlight Glimmer
** Source: ''Mirror Magic'' (2017)

* Oh, come on! Seriously?!
** Who: Human Rainbow Dash
** Source: ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Forgotten Friendship'' (2018)

* If you’re up for it.
** Who: Human Rarity
** Source: ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Rollercoaster of Friendship'' (2018)

* We’re baaaack!
** Who: Sunset Shimmer
** Source: ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Spring Breakdown'' (2019)

* Yeah, I guess it would’ve been!
** Who: Human Pinkie Pie
** Source: ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Sunset's Backstage Pass'' (2020)

=== ''[[Miraculous Ladybug]]'' ===

* Hmm.
** Who: Monk
** Source: ''[[Miraculous World: New York – United Heroez]]'' (2020)

* Coming to China, I found so much more than I'd ever hoped for: an amazing uncle, a new friend, and a new Mandarin teacher.
** Who: Marinette Dupain-Cheng
** Source: ''[[Miraculous World: Shanghai – The Legend of Ladydragon]]'' (2020)

=== ''Peanuts'' ===

* Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown!
** Who: Everyone
** Source: ''[[A Charlie Brown Christmas]]'' (1965)

* My grandmother lives in a condominium.
** Who: Charlie Brown
** Source: ''[[A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving]] (1973)

* To read Crime and Punishment by Dostoevsky. Happy New Year, Charlie Brown.
** Who: [[w:Linus van Pelt|Linus van Pelt]]
** Source: ''[[Happy New Year, Charlie Brown]]'' (1986)

* Ah...the Easter Beagle...
** Who: Lucy van Pelt
** Source: ''[[It's the Easter Beagle, Charlie Brown]]'' (1974)

* STUPID? What do you mean &quot;stupid&quot;?! Just wait till next year, Charlie Brown! You'll see! Next year at this same time, I'll find a pumpkin patch that is *real* sincere and I'll sit in that pumpkin patch until the Great Pumpkin appears. He'll rise out of that pumpkin patch and he'll fly through the air with his bag of toys. The Great Pumpkin will appear and I'll be waiting for him! I'll be there! I'll be sitting there in that pumpkin patch... and I'll see the Great Pumpkin. Just wait and see, Charlie Brown. I'll see that Great Pumpkin. I'll SEE the Great Pumpkin! Just you wait, Charlie Brown. The Great Pumpkin will appear, and I'll be waiting for him...!
** Who: Linus van Pelt
** Source: ''[[It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown]]'' (1966)

* Grandma?
** Who: Linus van Pelt
** Source: ''Happiness is a Warm Blanket, Charlie Brown'' (2011)

* Charlie Brown, get your stupid dog to stop playing this music!
** Who: Lucy van Pelt
** Source: ''[[It's the Pied Piper, Charlie Brown]]'' (2000)

=== ''Rankin/Bass'' ===

* Merry Christmas! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
** Who: Santa Claus
** Source: ''[[Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (TV special)|Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer]]'' (1964)

* Aaron's heart was filled with joy and love. And he knew at last that the hate he had carried there was wrong. As ALL hatred will ever be wrong. For more powerful, more beautiful by far than all the eons of sadness and cruelty and desolation which had come before, was that one tiny, crystalline second of laughter. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.
** Who: Our Storyteller
** Source: ''[[The Little Drummer Boy (film)|The Little Drummer Boy]]'' (1968)

* I'll be back on Christmas Day!
** Who: Frosty
** Source: ''[[Frosty the Snowman (TV special)|Frosty the Snowman]]'' (1969)

* Merry Christmas!
** Who: Children
** Source: ''[[Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town (film)|Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town]]'' (1970)

* Happy Easter Day!
** Who: Everyone
** Source: ''[[Here Comes Peter Cottontail]]'' (1971)

* Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!
** Who: Santa Claus
** Source: ''[['Twas the Night Before Christmas (1974 TV special)|'Twas the Night Before Christmas]]'' (1974)

* I dreamed unhappy things!
** Who: Santa Claus
** Source: ''[[The Year Without a Santa Claus]]'' (1974)

* And frosty, too!
** Who: Frosty and Crystal
** Source: ''[[Frosty's Winter Wonderland]]'' (1976)

* And may it be shiny, too!
** Who: Rudolph
** Source: ''[[Rudolph's Shiny New Year]]'' (1976)

* Okay!
** Who: Rudolph
** Source: ''[[Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July]]'' (1979)

* And so, the folks of Beansborough got their winter carnival after all. A tradition was saved. Summer Wheeze was permanently canned, and Mr. Twitchell decided to make sleds instead of trouble. He should have known he was no match for Mother Nature, or a little girl like Holly. Next stop: Winnipeg. Nice town, plenty of parking space, and lots of cocoa.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Frosty Returns]]'' (1992)

=== ''Marvel Rising'' franchise ===

=== ''Thomas and Friends'' specials ===

* Emily was delighted. That night, the engines talked about steamies, diesels, and airplanes, and they all agreed that Tidmouth sheds was the best place to be.
** Who: The narrator
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Calling All Engines]]'' (2005)

* But we're ALL leaders of the track!
* And he couldn't have been happier!
** Who 1: Thomas
** Who 2: The narrator
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|The Great Discovery]]'' (2008)

* I know, Thomas. Thank you.
** Who: Hiro
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Hero of the Rails]]'' (2008)

* And everyone giggled and jiggled.
** Who: The narrator
* (post-credits:) You'll be laughing on the other side of your boilers soon, silly steamies! ''(evil laugh)'' Yes...
** Who: Diesel 10
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Misty Island Rescue]]'' (2010)
** Note: The latter aforementioned line leads into the events of ''Day of the Diesels''. 

* And the two best friends giggled and jiggled with joy.
** Who: The narrator
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Day of the Diesels]]'' (2011)

* And no engine whistled louder than Thomas and Luke!
** Who: The narrator
* (in-credits:) It's me!
** Who: Rheneas
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Blue Mountain Mystery]]'' (2012)

* Knights in Shining Armor, on your mark, get set, go!
** Who: Sir Robert Norramby
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|King of the Railway]]'' (2013)

* Percy was sad to say goodbye to his new friend, but he was happy that he had his old friends beside him.
** Who: The narrator
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Tale of the Brave]]'' (2014)

* But I'm not Mr. Coffee Pot, my name is Glynn.
** Who: Glynn
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|The Adventure Begins]]'' (2015)

* One, two, threeeeeeeee!!!
** Who: Scuba divers' captain
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Sodor's Legend of the Lost Treasure]]'' (2015)

* Good idea! You ''are'' clever. Sometimes.
** Who: Ashima
* (in-credits:) OVER HERE! I'M FULL OF SURPRISES...!
** Who: Diesel
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|The Great Race]]'' (2016)

* What did I miss?
** Who: Henry
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Journey Beyond Sodor]]'' (2017)

* Thomas?
** Who: Ace
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Big World! Big Adventures!]]'' (2018)

=== ''Winnie the Pooh'' specials ===

* No worry! Take your time! Yum, yum!
** Who: Winnie the Pooh
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh and the Honey Tree]]'' (1966)

* And Piglet, too!
** Who: Piglet
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh and the Blustery Day]]'' (1968)

* Come on, everybody! Bounce!
** Who: Rabbit
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh and Tigger Too]]'' (1974)

* Of course you are. Silly old bear.
** Who: Christopher Robin
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh and a Day for Eeyore]]'' (1983)

* And so it was the most thankful day of Thanksgiving, for of all the things we've had or ever liked, the grandest thing we shall ever have is one another... or so it was said, by a bear named Winnie the Pooh.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''A Winnie the Pooh Thanksgiving'' (1998)

* And so as winter changes into spring, which changes into summer, there are things which go on forever unchanging, such as the way a certain boy cares for a certain bear. And we will know for as long as we care to remember, that somewhere in that enchanted place, on top of the forest... a boy and his bear... will always be playing.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''Winnie the Pooh: A Valentine for You'' (1999)

=== ''Winx Club'' specials ===

* I AM A FAIRY!!!
** Who: Bloom
** Source: ''Winx Club: The Fate of Bloom'' (2011)

* The Trix took the Dragon Flame!
** Who: Bloom
** Source: ''Winx Club: Revenge of the Trix'' (2011)

* I don't know, but I guess we'll find out... together.
** Who: Sky
** Source: ''Winx Club: The Battle for Magix'' (2011)

* Get over here!
** Who: Bloom
** Source: ''Winx Club: The Shadow Phoenix'' (2011)

[[Category:Last lines|Animated films]]</text>
      <sha1>44pvewrzrf0ayp4wtunxa1kvx7kvme7</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153863</id>
      <parentid>3153862</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-12T10:18:26Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:1700:F770:7B40:F8D1:1FBC:401F:5ED1</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Frozen film series */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="85937" xml:space="preserve">== Animated films ==

* I'm not sure, exactly. But this world is ours now. It's what we make of it.
** Who: 9
** Source: ''[[9 (2009 animated film)|9]]'' (2009)

* Stop attacking me! Why do you always have to attack me now?! Sit, stay, sit!
** Who: King Llort
** Source: ''[[A Troll in Central Park]]'' (1994)

* No laughing. I’m serious.
** Who: Nai Nai
** Source: ''[[Abominable (2019 film)|Abominable]]'' (2019)

* Man, I'm getting out of here.
** Who: [[w:Bing Crosby|Bing Crosby]]
** Source: ''[[The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad]]'' (1949)

* Bye-bye!
** Who: Rocky
** Source: ''[[The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle]]'' (2000)

* He'll be back.
** Who: Charlie B. Barkin
** Source: ''[[All Dogs Go to Heaven]]'' (1989)

* Hey, guys! I worked a little magic.
** Who: David
** Source: ''[[All Dogs Go to Heaven 2]]'' (1996)

* Buh-bye!
** Who: Fievel and Tanya Mousekewitz
** Source: ''[[An American Tail]]'' (1986)

* I think one day you'll find... that you're the hero you've been lookin'for.
** Who: Wylie
** Source: ''[[An American Tail: Fievel Goes West]]'' (1991)

* Huh? Wow!
** Who: Fievel Mousekewitz
** Source: ''[[An American Tail: The Treasure of Manhattan Island]]'' (1998)

* Sweet dreams, my little Fievel. Sweet dreams.
** Who: Mama Mousekewitz
** Source: ''[[An American Tail: The Mystery of the Night Monster]]'' (1999)

* So long, everybody.
** Who: Bartok
** Source: ''[[Anastasia (1997 film)|Anastasia]]'' (1997)

* To the animals, it now seemed that their world, which may or may not some day become a happy place to live in, was worse than ever for ordinary creatures, and another moment had come when they must do something about it...
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Animal Farm (1954 film)|Animal Farm]]'' (1954)

* There you have it. Your average 'boy-meets-girl, boy-likes-girl, boy-changes-underlying-social-order' story. So, what else can I tell you? We rebuilt the colony - it's even better than before, you know, 'cause now it has a very large indoor swimming pool. Bala and I, incidentally, are thinking of starting a family. You know, just a few kids, maybe a million or two to begin with. And I'm, I'm workin' with a new therapist, you know, terrific, absolutely terrific. He's, he's been putting me in touch with my inner maggot, which is helping me a great deal. And, you know, I finally feel like I've found my place. And you know what? It's right back where I started. But the difference is, this time I chose it.
** Who: Z
** Source: ''[[Antz]]'' (1998)

* Wait a minute. I'm the leader. I'll say when it's the end. It's the end.
** Who: Napoleon
** Source: ''[[The Aristocats]]'' (1970)

* So long, folks.
** Who: Bartok
** Source: ''[[Bartok the Magnificent]]'' (1999)

* I am.
** Who: Andrea Beaumont
** Source: ''[[Batman: Mask of the Phantasm]]'' (1993)

* Tool.
** Who: Butt-head
** Source: ''[[Beavis and Butt-head Do America]]'' (1996)

* Between you and me, I was dying to get out of that office.
** Who: Barry Benson
* (post-credits:) I had virtually no rehearsal for that.
** Who: Barry Benson
** Source: ''[[Bee Movie]]'' (2007)

* We didn't set out to be superheroes... But sometimes, life doesn't go the way you planned. The good thing is, my brother wanted to help a lot of people, and that's what we're gonna do. Who are we?
** Who: Hiro Hamada
* (post-credits:) We have a lot to talk about.
** Who: Fred's Dad
** Source: ''[[Big Hero 6]]'' (2014) 

* Nope. I've never seen him before in my life.
** Who: A pigeon
** Source: ''[[Bolt (2008 film)|Bolt]]'' (2008)

* Yep.
** Who: Doli
** Source: ''[[The Black Cauldron (film)|The Black Cauldron]]'' (1985)

* Bye!
** Who: Steve and Blue
** Source: ''[[Blue's Big Musical Movie]]'' (2000)

* Yay! They're staying! Let's do this....
** Who: Scoop
** Source: ''[[Bob The Builder: Mega Machines The Movie]]'' (2017)

* Hi there, baby sister.
** Who: Timothy's daughter
* (mid-credits:) Okay.
** Who: Mrs. Templeton
* (post-credits:) Wake up, little halflings. It's time to leave. Go and live your peasant lives. BE GONE WITH YOU!
** Who: Wizzie
** Source: ''[[The Boss Baby]]'' (2017)

* There are those who say fate is something beyond our command. That destiny is not our own, but I know better. Our fate lives within us. You only have to be brave enough to see it.
** Who: Merida
* (post-credits:) Delivery! Sign here, sign here! Come on, birdbrain! Haven't got all day!
** Who: The Crow
** Source: ''[[Brave (2012 film)|Brave]]'' (2012)

* My brother Kenai went on to live with Koda and the other bears. He taught me that love is very powerful. And I passed on the wisdom of his story to our people. The story of a boy who became a man...by becoming a bear.
** Who: Old Denahi
* (post-credits) Cut, cut. Ooh.
** Who: Koda
** Source: ''[[Brother Bear]]'' (2003)

* Present stalks! Harvester, salute!
** Who: Thorny
* (in-credits:) Spinning a web of safety in less in 15... Ow!
** Who: P.T.
** Source: ''[[A Bug's Life]]'' (1998)

* TRA-LA-LAAAAAAAA!!!
** Who: Captain Underpants/Mr. Krupp
* (in-credits:) NO!
** Who: Secretary
** Source: ''[[Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie]]'' (2017)

* Get a picture, boys. These kids will be making history!
** Who: L.B. Mammoth
* Hmph!
** Who: Darla Dimple
** Source: ''[[Cats Don't Dance]]'' (1997)

* Wilbur never forgot Charlotte. Although he loved her children and grandchildren dearly, none of the new spiders ever quite took her place in his heart. She was in a class by herself. It's not often that someone comes along who's a true friend and a good writer. Charlotte was both.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Charlotte's Web (1973 film)|Charlotte's Web]]'' (1973)

*Oh, Ace!
**Who: Movie Abby
**Source: ''[[Chicken Little (2005 film)|Chicken Little]]'' (2005)

* Hang on. Let's go over this again?
** Who: Fetcher
* (in-credits:) I don't know.
** Who: Nick
** Source: ''[[Chicken Run]]'' (2000)

* Coco!
** Who: Héctor
** Source: ''[[Coco (2017 film)|Coco]]'' (2017)

* Well, so long, glamor boy!
** Who: Jim Crow
** Source: ''[[Dumbo]]'' (1941)

* I'm so proud of you guys.
** Who: Kronk
** Source: ''[[The Emperor's New Groove]]'' (2000)

* Oh, how cute.
** Who: Yzma
** Source: ''[[Kronk's New Groove]]'' (2005)

* To kindness and love, the things we need most!
** Who: [[w:The Grinch|The Grinch]]
** Source: ''[[The Grinch (film)|Dr. Seuss' The Grinch]]'' (2018)

* Well, come on, Baggy buddy! Let's get back to where we belong. And get with the beat!
** Who: Baloo
** Source: ''[[The Jungle Book (1967 film)|The Jungle Book]]'' (1967)

* Yeah, man!
** Who: Baloo
** Source: ''[[The Jungle Book 2]]'' (2003)

* And so, all ended well for both Horton and Whos. And for all in the jungle, even Kangaroos. So let that be a lesson to one and to all. A person's a person. No matter how small.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Horton Hears a Who! (film)|Dr. Seuss' Horton Hears a Who!]]'' (2008)

* You done good, Beanpole. You done good. By the way, nice mustache.
** Who: [[w:The Lorax|The Lorax]]
** Source: ''[[The Lorax (film)|Dr. Seuss' The Lorax]]'' (2012)

* Somebody! Stop those pants!
** Who: Scrooge McDuck
** Source: ''[[DuckTales|DuckTales the Movie: Treasure of the Lost Lamp]]'' (1990)

* Aw, shit cunt!
** Who: Spanky Ham
** Source: ''[[The Drawn Together Movie: The Movie!]]'' (2010)

* Go fish.
** Who: Smiler
** Source: ''[[The Emoji Movie]]'' (2017)

* Everyone together...
* La Familia Madrigal!
** Who: Abuela Alma Madrigal
** Who 2: The Madrigals
** Source: ''[[Encanto (film)|Encanto]]'' (2021)

* Mmm... that was a good toast.
** Who: Ash
** Source: ''[[Fantastic Mr. Fox (film)|Fantastic Mr. Fox]]'' (2009)

* Yeah, forever.
** Who: Copper
** Source: ''[[The Fox and the Hound]]'' (1981)

* Yeah. Well, good night, Willie. Don't slam the roof. You might wake Mr. Bergen.
** Who: Mortimer
** Source: ''[[Fun and Fancy Free]]'' (1947)

* Enchante, Madamoiselle!
** Who: Goofy
** Source: ''[[A Goofy Movie]]'' (1995)

* You know, somehow I knew you would. Ah-yuck!
** Who: Goofy
** Source: ''[[An Extremely Goofy Movie]]'' (2000)

* Arlo!
** Who: Momma Ida
** Source: ''[[The Good Dinosaur]]'' (2015)

* From that time on, Basil and I were a close team, and over the years we had many cases together. But I shall always look back on that first with the most fondness: My introduction to Basil of Baker Street: ''The Great Mouse Detective.''
** Who: Dawson
** Source: ''[[The Great Mouse Detective]]'' (1986)

* Yeah, things are looking up around here now.
** Who: Pokey
** Source: ''[[Gumby: The Movie]]'' (1995)

* That's Phil's boy!
** Who: The Strong Man
* (post-credits:) What d'ya say? It's happy ending time! Everybody's got a little taste of something, but me! I got nothin'! I'm, I'm here with nothin'! Anybody listenin'? It's like I'm... What am I, an echo or something? Hello? Hello? Am I talking to, what, hyperspace? Hello, it's me! Nobody listens.
** Who: Hades
** Source: ''[[Hercules (1997 film)|Hercules]]'' (1997)

* Show's over, Eugene.
** Who: Gerald Johanssen
** Source: ''[[Hey Arnold!: The Movie]]'' (2002)

* Everybody smile.
** Who: Lucy Tucci
** Source: ''[[Home (2015 film)|Home]]'' (2015) 

* Don't you ever migrate?
** Who: Laverne
* (post-credits:) Good night, everybody! Whoo-hoo-hoo!
** Who: Hugo
** Source: ''[[The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1996 film)|The Hunchback of Notre Dame]]'' (1996)

* And I love Quasimodo!!
** Who: Madellaine
** Source: ''[[The Hunchback of Notre Dame II]]'' (2002)

* We've been through a lot lately, that's for sure. But we still love our girl. She has great new friends, a great new house. Things couldn't be better. After all, Riley's twelve now. What could happen?
** Who: Joy
* (in-credits:) No! Not this again!
** Who: Bus Driver's Emotions
** Source: ''[[Inside Out (2015 film)|Inside Out]]'' (2015)

* See you later.
** Who: Hogarth Hughes
** Source: ''[[The Iron Giant]]'' (1999)

* I take it back.
** Who: Jane
** Source: ''[[Is It College Yet?]]'' (2002)

* Oh!
** Who: Helen
** Source: ''[[Is It Fall Yet?]]'' (2000)

* And that is exactly what you had just seen.
** Who: Old Man
** Source: ''[[James and the Giant Peach]]'' (1996)

* Ah, the fucking autopilot's broke!
** Who: Jay
** Source: ''[[Jay &amp; Silent Bob's Super Groovy Cartoon Movie]]'' (2013)

* Onward, Mr Wiggles. We reach the cafeteria by dawn. Waaaaah!
** Who: Ms. Winifred Fowl
** Source: ''[[Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius (film)|Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius]]'' (2001)

* Listen to them, Soren. They want more stories. Well, come on, you lot. Let's not disappoint them. Ah. There's a good storm brewing. And if we're lucky, I'll be chock full of baggywrinkles.
** Who: Ezylryb
** Source: ''[[Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole]]'' (2010)

* Never too big. You will always be my Little Bear.
** Who: Mother Bear
** Source: ''[[The Little Bear Movie]]'' (2001)

* That does it, Charlie Brown! He is your dog, and you're welcome to him.
** Who: Lucy Van Pelt
** Source: ''[[Snoopy, Come Home]]'' (1972)

* Let's go, bulls!
** Who: [[w:Bill Murray|Bill Murray]]
* (post-credits:) Can l go home now?
** Who: [[w:Michael Jordan|Michael Jordan]]
** Source: ''[[Space Jam]]'' (1996)

* Th-th-th-that's all, folks!
** Who: [[w:Porky Pig|Porky Pig]]
** Source: ''[[Space Jam: A New Legacy]]'' (2021)

* Nice work. See you tomorrow!
** Who: Director
* Go home, folks.
** Who: [[w:Porky Pig|Porky Pig]]
** Source: ''[[Looney Tunes: Back in Action]]'' (2003)

* WILMA!
** Who: [[w:Fred Flintstone|Fred Flintstone]]
** Source: ''[[The Man Called Flintstone]]'' (1966)

* In the state of Texas, USA, life still goes on in the same old way. The Pecos River still flows on, but the greatest cowboy on earth is gone. Yeah, Bill went back to the coyotes, but he never forgot Sue. Every night when the moon was high, he'd lift his voice in a mournful cry, bewailing the fate of his lady fair, his long-lost love in the sky up there. So painful was his grief to see, the varmints joined in out of sympathy. That's how come, to this very day, coyotes howl at the moon that way.
** Who: Roy Rogers
** Source: ''[[Melody Time]]'' (1948)

* Bravo, my friends! Our three heroes have finally made their dream come true. I think this calls for one more song!
** Who: Troubadour
** Source: ''[[Mickey, Donald, Goofy: The Three Musketeers]]'' (2004)

* Gee, thanks for letting us share our Christmas spirit with you. [laughs] Merry Christmas, everybody!
** Who: Mickey Mouse
** Source: ''[[w:Mickey's Magical Christmas: Snowed in the House of Mouse|Mickey's Magical Christmas: Snowed in at the House of Mouse]]'' (2001)

* Aw, phooey!
** Who: Donald Duck
** Source: ''[[Mickey's House of Villains]]'' (2002)

* So in the end, love is the reason that Christmas is more than a gift-giving season. It's a time with our loved ones to show that we care, When families and neighbors come together to share. So, this Christmas season, let us all do our parts To keep Christmas spirit alive in our hearts.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: '' ''[[Mickey's Once Upon a Christmas]]'' (1999)

* So, at last, Mickey learned what he'd missed from the start. Bells and holly mean little without friends in your heart. The magic of Christmas has its rhyme and its reason. We hope you and yours have a most joyous season.
** Who: Narrator
* Ho ho ho!
** Who: Santa Claus
** Source: '' ''[[Mickey's Twice Upon a Christmas]]'' (2004)

* Welcome home!
** Who: A villager
* (post-credits:) Didn't help me though, did it? Still upside down here. Just need a little push. Can we be real? If my name was Sebastian and I had a cool Jamacian accent, you'd totally help me. You would. You know you would.
** Who: Tamatoa 
** Source: ''[[Moana (2016 film)|Moana]]'' (2016)
** Note: He is last seen after the credits, where he is still trapped and struggling to get off his shell, but to no avail. He asks the audience for assistance, and sarcastically quips that if his name was &quot;Sebastian&quot; and he had a Jamaican accent, the audience would feel happy to help him out (the reference to the supporting character of the same name from Disney's [[w:The Little Mermaid (1989 film)|The Little Mermaid]]). It is unknown if he ever got back up or if he starved.

* Wait, wait, wait, wa-wa-wait?! You were dating Derek, too?! That two-timing jerk!
** Who: B.O.B.
* (mid-credits:) Time to wave the white flag and head for the bunker, boys. Let's check the situation in 500 years! Who wants to freeze my head?
** Who: President Hathaway
** Source: ''[[Monsters vs. Aliens]]'' (2009)

* Mushu!
** Who: Great Ancestor
** Source: ''[[Mulan (1998 film)|Mulan]]'' (1998)

* Does a hero dragon deserve anything less? Draw my bath! Warm my towels! Let the pampering begin!
** Who: Mushu
** Source: ''[[Mulan II]]'' (2004)

* Okay! That is the most awesome name ever!
** Who: Pinkie Pie
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: The Movie (2017 film)|My Little Pony: The Movie]]'' (2017)

* I can't think of anything better.
** Who: Madison
** Source: ''My Scene Goes Hollywood: The Movie'' (2005)

* And the moral of our story is...
** Who: Yakko Warner
** Source: ''Wakko's Wish'' (1999)

* What a delightful scoundrel.
** Who: Winston
** Source: ''[[Oliver &amp; Company]]'' (1988)

* Whoa-ho, yeah-ha!
** Who: Barley Lightfoot
** Source: ''[[Onward (film)|Onward]]'' (2020)

* Left foot, right foot... Ah, who needs feet when you got fins! Whoo-hoo!
** Who: Tanglefoot
** Source: ''[[Ooops! Noah Is Gone...]]'' (2015)

* Oh, well. Out with the old, in with the new, huh?
** Who: Frank Detorre
** Source: ''[[Osmosis Jones]]'' (2001)

* There's a secret between you and me, Baby.
** Who: Higgins
** Source: ''[[The Outback (2012 film)|The Outback]]'' (2012)

* Shoot!
** Who: RJ
** Source: ''[[Over the Hedge]]'' (2006)

* And Liberty!
** Who: Liberty
** Source: ''[[PAW Patrol: The Movie]]'' (2021)

* Wait, wait, wait!
** Who: Phineas Flynn
** Source: ''[[Phineas and Ferb the Movie: Across the 2nd Dimension]]'' (2011)

* Well, I'll be! Ho-ho-ho! My, my! Solid gold, too. Oh, I think it's swell.
** Who: Jiminy Cricket
** Source: ''[[Pinocchio (1940 film)|Pinocchio]]'' (1940)

* Godspeed, John.
** Who: Thomas
** Source: ''[[Pocahontas (1995 film)|Pocahontas]]'' (1995)

* At one time, most of my friends could hear the bell. But as years passed, it felt silent for all of them. Even Sarah found, one Christmas, that she could no longer hear its sweet sound. Though I've grown old, the bell still rings for me. As it does for all who truly believe.
** Who: Adult Hero Boy
** Source: ''[[The Polar Express]]'' (2004)

* Sure!
** Who: Evie and Tori
** Source: ''PollyWorld'' (2006)

* Sugar, spice, and everything nice. These were the ingredients chosen to create the perfect little girl. But, Professor Utonium accidentally added an extra ingredient to the concoction. Chemical X. Thus, Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup were born. Using their ultra-super powers, they've dedicated their lives to fighting crime, and the forces of evil. And so for the very first time the day is saved thanks to... the Powerpuff Girls! Hey, that's a good name for them! Powerpuff Girls! Yeah! I like that! Wonder if ''they will?'' I'll run it by them. Powerpuff Girls! Mmm-hmm.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Powerpuff Girls Movie]]'' (2002)

* Well, I waited this long.
** Who: Charlotte LaBouff
** Source: ''[[The Princess and the Frog]]'' (2009)

* Yeah!
** Who: Background character
* (mid-credits 1) And gullible. I forgot to mention gullible.
** Who: [[w:Lucy|Lucy]]
* (mid-credits 2) A round of root beer for our hero the Flying Ace.
** Who: [[w:Marcie|Marcie]]
** Source: ''[[The Peanuts Movie]]'' (2015)

* Well done, Ayden.
** Who: Merlin
** Source: ''[[Quest for Camelot]]'' (1998)

* (theatrical version:) Rango!
** Who: The Mariachi Owls
* (extended version:) My fellow comrades. There will be times when you doubt yourself. When you feel pummeled by the catalclysms of life, remember this moment. Remember me. Know that I will be there, watching you... sometimes at inappropriate moments. That's part of the deal. And remember, that within all of us resides the true Spirit of We- Woah! Let's take it from the top.
** Who: Rango
** Source: ''[[Rango (2011 film)|Rango]]'' (2011)

* Hey, believe me, that story gets better when I tell it, okay? Come on! Bring some food over here, we're starving!
** Who: Django
** Source: ''[[Ratatouille]]'' (2007)

* Ba, welcome to Kumandra.
** Who: Raya
** Source: ''[[Raya and the Last Dragon]]'' (2021)

* Oh we're not late. We'll never going to be late again.
** Who: Rigby
** Source: ''[[Regular Show: The Movie]]'' (2015)

* Aw, phooey! Phooey!
** Who: Robert Benchley
** Source: ''[[The Reluctant Dragon (1941 film)|The Reluctant Dragon]]'' (1941)

* My name is Jack Frost, and I'm a Guardian. How do I know that? Because the Moon told me so. So when the Moon tells you something... ''believe it''.
** Who: Jack Frost
** Source: ''[[Rise of the Guardians]]'' (2012)

* Chel, we're not on the horse!
** Who: Tulio
** Source: ''[[The Road to El Dorado]]'' (2000)

* Well, folks, that's the way it really happened.
** Who: [[w:Alan-a-Dale|Allan-a-Dale]]
** Source: ''[[Robin Hood (1973 film)|Robin Hood]]'' (1973)

* Wait a minute, wait a minute! I-I-I was on the list! Come on, don't you know who I am? Wait! Whoa!
** Who: Tim the Gate Guard
** Source: ''[[Robots (2005 film)|Robots]]'' (2005)

* Hey, Edmond!
** Who: Chanticleer
** Source: ''[[Rock-a-Doodle]]'' (1991)

* As long as we're together. I'm ready to get baked and do anything.
** Who: Brenda
** Source: ''[[Sausage Party]]'' (2016)

* Thank you, Max.
** Who: Duke
* (mid-credits:) I'm home, Leonard. Were you a good boy, Leonard?
** Who: Leonard's Owner
* (post-credits:) All right, party's over!
** Who: Pops
** Source: ''[[The Secret Life of Pets]]'' (2016)

* Bye bye, momma and dada.
** Who: Liam
* (mid-credits:) Snowball, I'm back!
** Who: Molly
* (post-credits:) Okay. Moment's over.
** Who: Rooster
** Source: ''[[The Secret Life of Pets 2]]'' (2019)

* Oh, no!
** Who: Martin
** Source: ''[[The Secret of NIMH]]'' (1982)

* You got served!
** Who: The Shrimp
* Did somebody say CRAZY?!
** Who: Crazy Joe
* What you doing? Go on, get outta here! Go home! It's past your bedtime!
** Who: Mrs. Sanchez
** Source: ''[[Shark Tale]]'' (2004)

* Thanks, boy. Steady. Whoo-hoo!
** Who: Homer Simpson
* (mid-credits:) Smithers, I don't believe in suicides, but if you like to try, it would cheer me up to watch.
** Who: Mr. Burns
* (mid-credits 2:) This is Tom Hanks saying if you see me in person, please leave me be.
** Who: ''[[w:Tom Hanks|Tom Hanks]]''
* (in-credits:) Sequel?
** Who: Maggie Simpson
* (post-credits:) Four years of film school for this?
** Who: Squeaky-Voiced Teen
** Source: ''[[The Simpsons Movie]]'' (2007)

* All creatures great and small, welcome to the New Moon Theater!
** Who: Buster Moon
** Source: ''[[Sing (2016 film)|Sing]]'' (2016)

* Blue!
** Who: Merryweather
** Source: ''[[Sleeping Beauty]]'' (1957)

* Pro: if you go down there you'll meet lots of people. Con: Uh, you're not really a people person. Ugh, this is torture!
** Who: Fleem 
* (mid-credits:) Okay in 3, 2... On the next episode of... Wait am I missing a tooth?
** Who: Percy Patterson
** Source: ''[[Smallfoot (film)|Smallfoot]]'' (2018) 

* Blue cheese!
** Who: Everyone 
* (in-credits:) Am I going mad, Azrael? For the last time, get them to shut off this music!
** Who: [[w:Gargamel|Gargamel]]
** Source: ''[[Smurfs: The Lost Village]]'' (2017)

* Goodbye!
** Who: [[w:Snow White (Disney character)|Snow White]]
** Source: ''[[Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs]]'' (1937)

* Look!
** Who: Kyle Broflovski
* (post-credits:) Guys out there is hurted.
** Who: Ike Broflovski
** Source: ''[[South Park: Bigger, Longer &amp; Uncut]]'' (1999)

* I think I can handle it.
** Who: Chihiro Ogino (Sen)
** Source: ''[[Spirited Away]]'' (2001)
** Note: This line (per above) was heard in the English dub. The original Japanese dub's final line is &quot;Chihiro, let's get to our new home.&quot;

* Miles! Miles! Do you have a minute?
** Who: Gwen Stacy / Spider-Gwen
* You haven't seen pointing until I'm finished with you!
* You're accusing me of pointing while you're...!
** Who 1: Peter Parker / 1967 Spider-Man
** Who 2: Miguel O'Hara / 2099 Spider-Man
** Source: ''[[Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse]]'' (2018)

* You think you could handle them? They're not exactly easy to get along with.
** Who: Steven
** Source: ''[[Steven Universe: The Movie]]'' (2019)

* You love it.
** Who: Tulip
** Source: ''[[Storks (film)|Storks]]'' (2016)

* We did it. We really did it! Woo-hoo! Come on, guys! Yeah!
** Who: Richard
** Source: ''[[A Stork’s Journey]]'' (2017)

* Well, uh.... that's something like television. Without commercials.
** Who: Merlin
** Source: ''[[The Sword in the Stone (film)|The Sword in the Stone]]'' (1963)

* Yes, we are.
** Who: [[w:Flynn Rider|Eugene Fitzherbert]]
** Source: ''[[Tangled]]'' (2010)

* Ooo-ooo-ee-ah-ooo.
** Who: Jane Porter
** Source: ''[[Tarzan (1999 film)|Tarzan]]'' (1999)

* Woof!
** Who: Spot Helperman
** Source: ''[[Teacher's Pet (2004 film)|Teacher's Pet]]'' (2004)

* Wait, wait, wait, wait, WAIT! KIDS, ASK YOUR PARENTS WHERE BABIES COME FROM!
** Who: 2013 Robin
* (mid-credits:) This is the ''[[Teen Titans (TV series)|Teen Titans]]''! Can anyone hear us? We think we found a way back!
** Who: 2003 Robin
* Challengers! I believe we may have missed the motion picture!
** Who: Unknown Challenger
** Source: ''[[Teen Titans Go! To the Movies]]'' (2018)

* Avengers! Assemble!
** Who: James Rogers
** Source: ''Next Avengers: Heroes of Tomorrow'' (2008)

* And of course, they lived happily ever after.
** Who: Jacquimo
** Source: ''[[Thumbelina (1994 film)|Thumbelina]]'' (1994)

* We live together, we train together, we fight together, we stand for good, together. We are Ninjas. We strike hard, defend, protect and fade into the night. And there ain't no bad guy or monster gonna ever change that: That's what's important. And that's why we'll always be brothers. Oh, I love bein' a turtle.
** Who: [[w:Raphael (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Raphael]]
** Source: ''[[TMNT (film)|TMNT]]'' (2007)

* Tom! Jerry! Welcome to your new home!
** Who: Robyn Starling
** Source: ''[[Tom and Jerry: The Movie]]'' (1992)

* Til All Are One!, Till All Are One!, Till All Are One!
** Who: The Autobots
** Source: ''[[The Transformers: The Movie]]'' (1986)

* Up high!
** Who: Cloud Guy
* (in-credits:) But wait, wait, wait.
** Who: Creek
** Source: ''[[Trolls (film)|Trolls]]'' (2016)
** Note: After Poppy and the other Trolls make peace with the Bergens, Creek, along with Chef is knocked out of the Bergen castle. Chef then betrays Creek by trying to eat him, but before this can happen, both are eaten alive by a hill monster.

* Glitter!
** Who: Queen Barb
* (in-credits:) But who gonna eat my cheese balls, babe?
** Who: King Gristle, Jr.
** Source: ''[[Trolls World Tour]]'' (2020)

* And it looks like the winner is...
** Who: Sports Announcer
** Source: ''[[Turbo (film)|Turbo]]'' (2013)

* We've all got an inner beast. We've all got a messy, loud, weird part of ourselves hidden away. And a lot of us never let it out. But I did. How about you?
** Who: Mei Lee
** Source: ''[[Turning Red]]'' (2022)

* She's gonna be so excited.
** Who: Father of Moxy's owner
** Source: ''[[Uglydolls]]'' (2019)

* Another blue one.
** Who: Russell
** Source: ''[[Up (2009 film)|Up]]'' (2009)

* Cheeeeeeeeeese!
** Who: Hutch the Rabbit
** Source: ''[[Wallace &amp; Gromit in The Curse of the Were-Rabbit|Wallace &amp; Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit]]'' (2005)

* This is called farming! You kids are gonna grow all kinds of plants! Vegetable plants, pizza plants! Oh, it's good to be home!
** Who: Captain B. McCrea
** Source: ''[[WALL-E]]'' (2008)

* Gotcha!
** Who: Alex
** Source: ''[[Walking with Dinosaurs (film)|Walking with Dinosaurs]]'' (2013)

* All the world will be your enemy, Prince of a Thousand enemies. And when they catch you, they will kill you. But first they must catch you; digger, listener, runner, Prince with the swift warning. Be cunning, and full of tricks, and your people will never be destroyed.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Watership Down (film)|Watership Down]]'' (1978)

* Alright, guys, let's eat! I'm gonna do syrup and honey.
** Who: Grizzly Bear
** Source: ''[[We Bare Bears: The Movie]]'' (2020)

* Nick!
** Who: Flash
* (in-credits:) Come on! Shake your tails with me, come on! Yeah!
** Who: Gazelle
** Source: ''[[Zootopia]]'' (2016)

=== ''101 Dalmatians'' film series ===

* I'm hungry, mother.
** Who: Roley
** Source: ''[[One Hundred and One Dalmatians]]''

* Say &quot;spots!&quot;
** Who: Photographer
** Source: ''[[101 Dalmatians II: Patch's London Adventure]]''

=== ''Alvin and the Chipmunks'' animated movies'' ===
* Alvin!
** Who: Dave Seville
** Source: ''[[The Chipmunk Adventure]]'' (1987)

* How does that song go again?
** Who: Dr. Frankenstein
** Source: ''Alvin and the Chipmunks Meet Frankenstein'' (1999)

* Us? Wild?
** Who: Alvin
** Source: ''Alvin and the Chipmunks Meet the Wolfman'' (2000)

=== ''[[The Angry Birds Movie]]'' film series ===

* Guys! No!
** Who: Red
* (mid-credits:) Whoa!
** Who: Jay, Jake, and Jim
** Source: ''[[The Angry Birds Movie]]'' (2016)

* Jinx! Jinx! Jinx!
** Who: Chuck and Silver
* (in-credits:) Bye-bye.
** Who: Zoe's sister
** Source: ''[[The Angry Birds Movie 2]]'' (2019)

=== ''[[Aladdin]]'' film series ===

* Made ya look.
** Who: Genie
* (post-credits, special edition only:) You have been a fabulous audience! Tell you what, you're the best audience in the whole world. Take care of yourselves! Good night, Alice! Good night, Agrabah! Adios, amigos!
** Who: Genie
** Source: ''[[Aladdin (1992 Disney film)|Aladdin]]'' (1992)

* Does this mean I don't get my third wish?
** Who: Abis Mal
** Source: ''[[The Return of Jafar]]'' (1994)

* Wait a minute. We're not gettin' outta here, man! We're not gettin' outta here! Don't ya understand it, man? This is it, game's over, man!
** Who: Genie
** Source: ''[[Aladdin and the King of Thieves]]'' (1996)

=== ''Bambi'' film series ===

* Well, I don't believe I've ever seen a more likely looking pair of fawns. Prince Bambi ought to be mighty proud.
** Who: Friend Owl
** Source: ''[[Bambi]]'' (1942)

* Actually, I was a lot like you.
** Who: The Great Prince of the Forest
** Source: ''[[Bambi II]]'' (2006)

=== ''Barbie'' film series ===

* I always knew you could.
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie in the Nutcracker'' (2001)

* When you do that, you'll never go wrong.
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie as Rapunzel'' (2002)

* Wouldn't miss it.
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie of Swan Lake'' (2003)

* And, of course, Wolfie and Serafina lived happily ever after. Along with their many, many, many kittens.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''Barbie as The Princess and the Pauper'' (2004)

* I can't believe it! I'm flying!
** Who: Elina
** Source: ''Barbie: Fairytopia'' (2005)

* I'm trying!
** Who: Blush
** Source: ''Barbie and the Magic of Pegasus'' (2005)

* Secret seaweed, huh? Oh, that is clever of you to remember that!
** Who: Dandilion
** Source: ''Barbie Fairytopia: Mermaidia'' (2006)

* Yes, Papa. I'm finally on time for something.
** Who: Genevieve
** Source: ''Barbie in the 12 Dancing Princesses'' (2006)

* Goodbye, Elina! I know you look forward to seeing me again!
** Who: Fabien
** Source: ''Barbie Fairytopia: Magic of the Rainbow'' (2007)

* (gasps) A princess!
** Who: Tika
** Source: ''Barbie as the Island Princess'' (2007)

* Bye-bye! Whee!
** Who: A Flutterpixie
** Source: ''Barbie: Mariposa'' (2008)

* Now, where were we?
* ''[singing]'' Oh-whoa-oh. Two voices, one song...
** Who: Barbie and Teresa
** Source: ''Barbie and the Diamond Castle'' (2008)

* I think that would be amazing, Kelly.
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie in A Christmas Carol'' (2008)

* Right now, I've got somewhere else to be!
** Who: Corrinne
** Source: ''Barbie and the Three Musketeers'' (2008)
 
* Oopsie! Guess old habits die hard...girlfriend!
** Who: Raquelle
** Source: ''Barbie: A Fairy Secret'' (2011)

* Come on. I wanna introduce you to everyone!
** Who: Blair Willows/Princess Sophia
** Source: ''Barbie: Princess Charm School'' (2011)

* Merry Christmas!
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie: A Perfect Christmas'' (2011)

* Meribella! Put your hands up for me! Come on!
** Who: Keira
** Source: ''Barbie: The Princess &amp; The Popstar'' (2012)

* Come on, let's go!
** Who: Kristyn Farraday
** Source: ''Barbie In The Pink Shoes'' (2013)

* OK! Now, who's got the boarding passes?
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie and her Sisters: In a Pony Tale'' (2013)

* What on earth?
** Who: Bookhurst
** Source: ''Barbie and the Secret Door'' (2014)

* One, two, three, four!
** Who: Erika Juno
** Source: ''Barbie in Rock 'n Royals'' (2015)

* And thanks to Barbie, who was the one after all, everyone lived happily ever after.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''Barbie: Star Light Adventure'' (2016)

* How about you show me those moves?
** Who: Lindsey
** Source: ''Barbie &amp; Her Sisters in A Puppy Chase'' (2016)

* Look!
** Who: Chelsea
** Source: ''Barbie Dolphin Magic'' (2017)

* She's right. Barbie, I can't hold back any longer. I think I... wanna dance with you.
** Who: Ken
** Source: ''Barbie Princess Adventure'' (2020)

* New York! Emmie here, coming at you live from Times Square to announce the winner of the Spotlight Solo! Put your hands together for my friends, Barbie Roberts and Barbie Roberts! Otherwise known as Malibu and Brooklyn, the winners of the Spotlight Solo!
** Who: Emmie
** Source: ''Barbie: Big City, Big Dreams'' (2021)

=== ''[[w:Beauty and the Beast (franchise)|Beauty and the Beast]]'' film series ===

* Do I still have to sleep in the cupboard?
** Who: Chip Potts
** Source: ''[[Beauty and the Beast (1991 film)|Beauty and the Beast]]'' (1991)

* I'd be delighted.
** Who: Fife
** Source: ''[[w:Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas|Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas]]'' (1997)

* And it begins, uh, Lumiere, with trust. Where, with mutual respect, as I have always said all relationships must be firmly based on that. One must build on a firm foundation of trust and respect in order to flourish and flow; nourish and grow. Always attentive to the needs of the other and honesty, utter honesty is the key on which...
** Who: Cogsworth
** Source: ''[[w:Belle's Magical World|Belle's Magical World]]'' (1998)

=== ''Bratz'' film series ===

* It was original, captivating, stylized, and told me so much about each one of you. You're all getting A+'s!
** Who: Mr. Del Rio
** Source: ''Bratz: Starrin' &amp; Stylin'' (2004)

* We’re the girls..
* With the passion for fashion!
* And...
* We...
* Rock!
** Who: Jade, Cloe, Yasmin and Sasha
** Source: ''Bratz Rock Angelz'' (2005)

* Please, call me Henry, all right?
** Who: Gordon Murph
** Source: ''Bratz Babyz: The Movie'' (2006)

* So, after all that work and practice, we discovered that we were really good at a lot of different things. But, what we're best at is being best friends. By helping Anna win the contest, we all ended up winners and we felt like stars!
** Who: Sasha
** Source: ''Bratz Girlz Really Rock'' (2008)

=== ''Care Bears'' film series ===

* Care for me, Mrs. Cherrywood. Just care for me.
** Who: Mr. Cherrywood
** Source: ''[[The Care Bears Movie]]'' (1985)

* Yes, sir! Everything was back to the way it was. But, as always, it was just a little bit different, a little bit better, and a little bit more special—thanks to the Care Bears, the Care Bear Cousins, and thanks to... ''(laughs)'' Well, you all know who you are. I thank my lucky Stars that there are people out there like you who really do care. You're not afraid to share your feelings—and that, my friends, makes you all world-class Care Bear Champs!
** Who: The Great Wishing Star
** Source: ''[[Care Bears Movie II: A New Generation]]'' (1986)

* Goodbye!
** Who: The Care Bears
** Source: ''Care Bears: Journey to Joke-a-lot'' (2004)

* Twinkers, did you hear? Too Loud Bear finally got your name right!
** Who: Wish Bear
** Source: ''The Care Bears' Big Wish Movie'' (2005)

* You bet!
** Who: Cheer Bear
** Source: ''Care Bears: Oopsy Does It!'' (2007)

* Oopsy.
** Who: Oopsy Bear
** Source: ''Care Bears: To the Rescue'' (2010)

*Let's get this Giving Festival started!
** Who: Princess Starglo
** Source: ''Care Bears: The Giving Festival'' (2010)

*Later, gators, I've got stars to make!
** Who: Princess Starglo
** Source: ''Care Bears: Share Bear Shines'' (2011)

=== ''[[w:Cars (franchise)|Cars]]'' film series ===

* Yeah! Ka-chow!
** Who: Lightning McQueen
* (in-credits) Wait a minute here. They're just using the [[w:John Ratzenberger|same actor]] over and over. [[w:Pixar|What kind of a cut-rate production is this?!]]
** Who: Mack
* (post-credits:) No! There's an on-ramp close! I know it! I can feel it! Ah-ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
** Who: [[w:List_of_Cars_characters#Van and Minny|Van]]
** Source: ''[[Cars (film)|Cars]]'' (2006)

* Not if I see you first!
** Who: [[w:Mater (Cars)|Tow Mater]]
** Source: ''[[Cars 2]]'' (2011)

* Go!
** Who: Luigi
* (post-credits:) Hey, McQueen! You still there? McQueen! Ugh. Technology.
** Who: [[w:Mater (Cars)|Tow Mater]]
** Source: ''[[Cars 3]]'' (2017)

* Ha-ha, you're on!
** Who: Skipper
** Source: ''[[Planes (film)]]'' (2013)

* Ladies and gentleplanes! Turn your attention to the skies for today's featured aerial presentation! The Propwash Junction Corn Fest is proud to present the Piston Peak Air Attack team, and our very own world champion racer and firefighter, Dusty Crophopper!
** Who: Chug
* (in-credits:) Welcome to Death Valley National Park. Is it hot? ''(laughs weezily)'' Yes, it is.
** Who: Cad Spinner
* (post-credits:) Yay!
** Who: Drip
** Source: ''[[Planes: Fire &amp; Rescue]]'' (2014)

=== ''[[w:Cinderella (franchise)|Cinderella]]'' film series ===

* But, you see, I have the other slipper.
** Who: [[w:Cinderella (Disney character)|Cinderella]]
** Source: ''[[Cinderella (1950 film)|Cinderella]]'' (1950)

* Once upon a time, there was a big castle... and in this castle lived a prince and a princess...
** Who: Cinderella
** Source: ''[[Cinderella II: Dreams Come True]]'' (2002)

* And they lived happily ever after... again.
** Who: Cinderella
** Source: ''[[Cinderella III: A Twist in Time]]'' (2007)

=== ''[[w:The Croods (franchise)|The Croods]]'' film series ===

* Duh-duh-duh!
** Who: Belt and Sandy Crood
** Source: ''[[The Croods]]'' (2013)

* Dad was right after all, we were stronger together.
** Who: Eep Crood
** Source: ''[[The Croods: A New Age]]'' (2020)

=== ''[[w:DC Universe Animated Original Movies|DC Universe Animated Original Movies]]'' ===

* In other news, Gotham's mysterious defender...the Batman, was seen last night helping police apprehend the leaders...of an underworld, gun-running operation...
** Who: Summer Gleason
** Source: ''[[Batman and Mr. Freeze: Subzero]]'' (1998)
* Hi, old man.
** Who: Tim Drake
** Source: ''[[Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker]]'' (2000)
* Well, maybe an explosion now and then.
** Who: Kathy Duquesne
** Source: ''[[Batman: Mystery of the Batwoman]]'' (2003)
* If history has determined that gods can die... ...it has also proven that they may return from the dead. It would seem you can't be destroyed after all, Superman. It would seem.
** Who: Lex Luthor
** Source: ''[[Superman: Doomsday]]'' (2007)
* The pioneers gave up their safety, their comfort, and sometimes their lives to build our new west. They were determined to make the new world strong and free - an example to the world. Some would say that those struggles are all over. That all the horizons have been explored. That all the battles have been won. That there is no longer an American frontier. And we stand today on the edge of a new frontier. The frontier of unknown opportunities and perils. Beyond that frontier are uncharted areas of science. Unsolved problems of peace and war. Unconquered pockets of ignorance and prejudice. I'm asking each of you to be pioneers towards that New Frontier. My call is to the young in heart, regardless of age. Can we carry through in an age where we will witness not only new breakthroughs in weapons of destruction, but also a race for mastery of the sky and the rain, the ocean and the tides, the far side of space, and the inside of men's minds? All mankind waits upon out decision. A whole world waits to see what we shall do. And we cannot fail that trust, and we cannot fail to try.
** Who: John F. Kennedy
** Source: ''[[Justice League: The New Frontier]]'' (2008)

* Sir?
** Who: Alfred Pennyworth
** Source: ''[[Batman: Gotham Knight]]'' (2008)

* Look! It's Wonder Woman!
** Who: Little girl
** Source: ''[[Wonder Woman (2009 film)|Wonder Woman]]'' (2009)

* I've gotta go punch a clock with my other boss. I can see where this is gonna be a long commute.
** Who: Hal Jordan
** Source: ''[[Green Lantern: First Flight]]'' (2009)

* &quot;Late&quot;? Come on, it's... ...early.
** Who: Superman
** Source: ''[[Superman/Batman: Public Enemies]]'' (2009)

* I'm glad you agree. I've been thinking about a membership drive.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths]]'' (2010)

* It feels awesome! Check me out! I'm Robin, the Boy wonder! Are you kidding me? This rocks. Come on, old man, we've got bad guys who need chasing. This is the best day of my life.
** Who: Young Jason Todd/Robin
** Source: ''[[Batman: Under the Red Hood]]'' (2010)

* Hey.
** Who: Superman
** Source: ''[[Superman/Batman: Apocalypse]]'' (2010)

* He's not dead. He's up there fixing the sun. And when he's done, he'll be back.
** Who: Lois Lane
** Source: ''[[All-Star Superman (film)|All-Star Superman]]'' (2011)

* We got a new home to build. Come on. I'll tell you about the time I took on an army of Manhunters and my only backup was this squirrel.
** Who: Hal Jordan
** Source: ''[[Green Lantern: Emerald Knights]]'' (2011)

* Barbara's not crazy about the marriage counselor, but we're making progress. As for me, well, there's a real panic on. Somebody has threatened to poison the Gotham reservoir. He calls himself the Joker. I've got a friend coming who might be able to help. He should be here any minute.
** Who: Lieutenant James Gordon
** Source: ''[[Batman: Year One (film)|Batman: Year One]]'' (2011)

* I do have a plan! It's called the Justice League.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[Justice League: Doom]]'' (2012)

* Can we go so I can kiss you now?
** Who: Lois Lane
** Source: ''[[Superman vs. The Elite]]'' (2012)

* Ba-Batman... Darling!
** Who: Joker
** Source: [[Batman: The Dark Knight Returns (film)|''Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, Part One'']] (2012)

* I spent 10 years looking for a good death. This... This'll be a good life. Good enough.
** Who: Bruce Wayne
** Source: [[Batman: The Dark Knight Returns (film)|''Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, Part Two'']] (2013)

* Marry me.
** Who: Clark Kent
** Source: ''[[Superman: Unbound]]'' (2013)

* You're one helluva messenger. Thank you.
** Who: Bruce Wayne
** Source: ''[[Justice League: The Flashpoint Paradox]]'' (2013)

* The surface dwellers have killed our king. This is an act of war and they will pay.
** Who: Prince Orm
** Source: ''[[Justice League: War]]'' (2014)

* No.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[Son of Batman]]'' (2014)

* Bang.
** Who: Deadshot
** Source: ''[[Batman: Assault on Arkham]]'' (2014)

* I am Lex Luthor. I have a proposition for you.
** Who: Lex Luthor
** Source: ''[[Justice League: Throne of Atlantis]]'' (2015)

* Sometimes, Alfred... ...you have to have a little faith.
** Who: Bruce Wayne
** Source: ''[[Batman vs. Robin]]'' (2015)

* Time to look ahead, Kirk. You know what they say. The past is like another planet.
** Who: Superman
** Source: ''[[Justice League: Gods and Monsters]]'' (2015)

* Master Bruce is having a heart-to-heart with Damian. One can't help feeling bad. Despite her madness, she was his mother.
** Who: Alfred Pennyworth
** Source: ''[[Batman: Bad Blood]]'' (2016)

* Raven, release me. You're too weak to keep me in here, you filthy witch! I'll get out! I'll kill everyone you love. RAVEN!!!
** Who: Trigon
** Source: ''[[Justice League vs. Teen Titans]]'' (2016)

* Yeah, Dad, I just got back from the lacrosse game. Going to practice some Wallball this weekend. Getting pretty good. Maybe another night, Dad, I got plans tonight. I can't help it if your daughter's so popular. I'll talk to you, later. Right then, back to work.
** Who: Barbara Gordon / Oracle
** Source: ''[[Batman: The Killing Joke (film)|Batman: The Killing Joke]]'' (2016)

* Now, that's what I call making yourself useful, love.
** Who: John Constantine
** Source: ''[[Justice League Dark (film)|Justice League Dark]]'' (2017)

* I talk to the dead. For no matter how rotted the corpse, there's always a tiny wisp of life left.
** Who: Brother Blood
** Source: ''[[Teen Titans: The Judas Contract]]'' (2017)

* Aw... Ain't that a shame? Wendel is headed back to his crummy house and all those cats without getting the help he so desperately needs. Oh, well, that's it for today's show. Till next time, folks. Be good to yourselves. 'Cause everyone else in the world is probably out to get you. Bye-bye!
** Who: Dr. Harleen Quinzel
** Source: ''[[Batman and Harley Quinn]]'' (2017)

* It was all phony anyway. We'll make something new. Something better.
** Who: Dickie
** Source: ''[[Batman: Gotham by Gaslight]]'' (2018)

* I'll be seeing you, Waller. Maybe in heaven.
** Who: Deadshot
** Source: ''[[Suicide Squad: Hell to Pay]]'' (2018)

* Superman?
** Who: Jimmy Olsen
** Source: ''[[The Death of Superman (film)|The Death of Superman]]'' (2018)

* Okay, who left the front door open?
** Who: Green Lantern
** Source: ''[[Reign of the Supermen (film)|Reign of the Supermen]]'' (2019)

* Jessica Cruz. It's an honor.
** Who: Brainiac 5
** Source: ''[[w:Justice League vs. the Fatal Five|Justice League vs. the Fatal Five]]'' (2019)

* Someday.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[w:Batman: Hush (film)|Batman: Hush]]'' (2019)

* You think I'm intimidated? I've won. I'm coming for you, Wonder Woman. Do you hear me, Wonder Woman? I am coming for you!
** Who: Veronica Cale
** Source: ''[[w:Wonder Woman: Bloodlines|Wonder Woman: Bloodlines]]'' (2019)

* I kind of like that last option.
** Who: Lois Lane
** Source: ''[[w:Superman: Red Son (film)|Superman: Red Son]]'' (2020)

* And some of those changes may be shite. And we may make the same mistakes again. It won't be perfect... but it'll be a long sight better than what we got now.
** Who: John Constantine
** Source: ''[[w:Justice League Dark: Apokolips War|Justice League Dark: Apokolips War]]'' (2020)

=== ''[[w:Despicable Me (franchise)|Despicable Me]]'' film series ===

* No, I'm fine. Go ahead. No, no, no!
** Who: Gru
* (post-credits:) I am Gru. Back to work! Back to work! Back to...
** Who: Kevin
** Source: ''[[Despicable Me]]'' (2010)

* I'm so happy!
** Who: Agnes Gru
** Source: ''[[Despicable Me 2]]'' (2013)

* Come on, He's my brother. We'll give him a 5 minute head start.
** Who: Felonious Gru
** Source: ''[[Despicable Me 3]]'' (2017)

* Freeze ray!
** Who: Felonious Gru
** Source: ''[[Minions (film)|Minions]]'' (2015)

=== ''[[w:Fantasia (franchise)|Fantasia]]'' film series ===

* The last number in our ''Fantasia'' program is a combination of two pieces of music so utterly different in construction and mood that they set each other off perfectly. The first is ''A Night On Bald Mountain'', by one of Russia's greatest composers, Modest Mussorgsky. The second is Franz Schubert's world-famous ''Ave Maria''. Musically and dramatically, we have here a picture of the struggle between the profane and the sacred. Bald Mountain, according to tradition, is the gathering place of Satan and his followers. Here on ''Walpurgisnacht'', which is the equivalent of our own Halloween, the creatures of evil gather to worship their master. Under his spell, they dance furiously until the coming of dawn and the sounds of church bells send the infernal army slinking back into their abodes of darkness. And then we hear the Ave Maria, with its message of the triumph of hope and life over the powers of despair and death.
** Who: [[w:Deems Taylor|Deems Taylor]]
** Source: ''[[Fantasia (1940 film)|Fantasia]]'' (1940)

* Camera back on me. Uh, camera back on me, please. Anyone? Hello? Hello? Could someone give me a ride home?
** Who: [[Steve Martin]]
** Source: ''[[Fantasia 2000]]'' (2000)

=== ''[[w:Finding Nemo (franchise)|Finding Nemo]]'' film series ===

* Bye, son.
** Who: Marlin
* (pre-credits:) Now what?
** Who: Bloat
** Source: ''[[Finding Nemo]]'' (2003)

* Yep. Unforgettable.
** Who: Dory
* (post-credits:) Now what?
** Who: Bloat
** Source: ''[[Finding Dory]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:Frozen (franchise)|Frozen]]'' film series ===

* That's it. Glide and pivot. Glide and pivot.
** Who: Olaf
** Source: ''[[Frozen (2013 film)|Frozen]]'' (2013)

* Ready?
** Who: Elsa
* (post-credits:) Oh. We live! We live! Good story.
** Who: Marshmallow 
** Source: ''[[Frozen II]]'' (2019)

=== ''[[w:Happy Feet (franchise)|Happy Feet]]'' film series ===

* Gracias.
** Who: Ramón
** Source: ''[[Happy Feet]]'' (2006)

* Ja, The Svened.
** Who: The Mighty Sven
** Source: ''[[Happy Feet Two]]'' (2011)

=== ''[[w:Hotel Transylvania (franchise)|Hotel Transylvania]]'' film series ===

* Alright, maybe just a little.
** Who: Dracula
* (in-credits) I didn't do that.
** Who: Elderly Gremlin
** Source: ''[[Hotel Transylvania|Hotel Transylvania]]'' (2012)

* I didn't do that.
** Who: Elderly Gremlin
** Source: ''[[Hotel Transylvania 2]]'' (2015)

* Yes!
** Who: Ericka van Helsing
** Source: ''[[Hotel Transylvania 3: Summer Vacation]]'' (2018)

=== ''[[w:Hoodwinked!|Hoodwinked!]]'' film series ===

* I always did like happy endings.
** Who: Red Puckett
** Source: ''[[Hoodwinked!]]'' (2005)

* Hey, girls. Let's call it a night.
** Who: Twitchy
** Source: ''[[Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil]]'' (2011)

=== ''[[w:How to Train Your Dragon|How to Train Your Dragon]]'' film series ===

* This is Berk. It snows nine months of the year and hails the other three. Any food that grows here is tough and tasteless. The people that grow here are even more so. The only upsides are the pets. While other places have ponies or parrots... we have... dragons!
** Who: Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III
** Source: ''[[How to Train Your Dragon (film)|How to Train Your Dragon]]'' (2010)

* This... is Berk. A bit trampled and busted and covered in ice, but it's home. It's our home. Those who attacked us are relentless and crazy. But those who stopped them? Oh, even more so! We may be small in numbers, but we stand for something bigger than anything the world can pit against us. We are the voice of peace. And bit by bit, we will change this world. You see, we have something they don't. Oh sure, they have armies and they have armadas... But we... we have... OUR DRAGONS!
** Who: Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III
** Source: ''[[How to Train Your Dragon 2]]'' (2014)

* Legend says that when the ground quakes or lava spews from the earth, it's the dragons letting us know they're still here. Waiting for us to figure out how to get along. Yes, the world believes the dragons are gone, if they ever existed at all. But we Berkians, we know otherwise. And we'll guard this secret until the time comes when dragons can return in peace.
** Who: Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III
** Source: ''[[How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World]]'' (2019)

=== ''[[w:Ice Age (franchise)|Ice Age]]'' film series ===

* No, really...
** Who: [[w:List_of_Ice_Age_characters#Sid|Sid]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age (2002 film)|Ice Age]]'' (2002)

* Calm down! I saved you, little buddy! Remember!?
** Who: [[w:List_of_Ice_Age_characters#Sid|Sid]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: The Meltdown]]'' (2006)

* That's right, sweetheart. Welcome to the Ice Age.
** Who: [[w:List_of_Ice_Age_characters#Ellie|Ellie]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs]]'' (2009)

* No! Stop! Brother, rise above this base desire. Be more than a rodent.
** Who: Ariscratle
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: Continental Drift]]'' (2012)

* Mars: the red planet. Cold... dry... inhospitable to life. But billions and billions of years ago, Mars looked like this. There were lakes, rivers, oceans... the perfect conditions for life to form. So, what happened? Why was life unable to take hold? Where did the water go? We may never know.
** Who: [[w:List_of_Ice_Age_characters#Neil deBuck Weasel|Neil deBuck Weasel]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: Collision Course]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:The Incredibles (franchise)|The Incredibles]]'' film series ===

* Behold, the Underminer! I am always beneath you, but nothing is beneath me! I hereby declare war on peace and happiness! Soon, all will tremble before me!
** Who: The Underminer
** Source: ''[[The Incredibles]]'' (2004)

* Stop! Let us out! Here, large popcorn, small soda. Save me a seat. Center, about eight rows back. I'll be back before the previews are over!
** Who: [[w:Violet Parr|Violet Parr]]
** Source: ''[[Incredibles 2]]'' (2018)

=== ''[[Kim Possible]]'' film series ===

* No idea why I said that!
** Who: Ron Stoppable
** Source: ''[[Kim Possible: A Sitch in Time]]'' (2003)

* It finally happened! She's dating that loser! Kim Possible and Ron Stoppable are dating!? ''(Laughs loudly)''
** Who: Bonnie Rockwaller
** Source: ''[[Kim Possible Movie: So the Drama]]'' (2005)

=== ''[[w:Kung Fu Panda (franchise)|Kung Fu Panda]]'' film series ===

* Yeah.
** Who: [[w:List_of_Kung_Fu_Panda_characters#Master Shifu|Master Shifu]]
** Source: ''[[Kung Fu Panda]]'' (2008)

* My son is alive...
** Who: [[w:List_of_Kung_Fu_Panda_characters#Li Shan|Li Shan]]
** Source: ''[[Kung Fu Panda 2]]'' (2011)

* Panda Asthma.
** Who: [[w:List_of_Kung_Fu_Panda_characters#Li Shan|Li Shan]]
** Source: ''[[Kung Fu Panda 3]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:Lady and the Tramp|Lady and the Tramp]]'' film series ===

* Huh? I haven't? Well, uh, as Old Reliable used to say... He'd say, uh, uh... He'd say, uh, uh... Doggone. You know, I clean forgot what it was he used to say!
** Who: Trusty
** Source: ''[[Lady and the Tramp]]'' (1955)

* Angel!
** Who: Junior
** Source: ''[[Lady and the Tramp II: Scamp's Adventure]]'' (2001)

=== ''[[w:The Land Before Time (franchise)|The Land Before Time]]'' film series ===

* And they all grew up together in the valley, generation upon generation, each passing on to the next. The tale of their ancestors' journey to the valley, long ago.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time]]'' (1988)

* But I still can't wait to grow up.
** Who: Littlefoot
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time II: The Great Valley Adventure]]'' (1994)

* And so, as it turned out, the dinosaurs traveled from green spot to green spot, eating their fill, each helping the others to find what they needed, each learning the special kind of joy, which comes from giving to others. And in the years to come, this story of sharing was told over and over again, until it became known as: &quot;The Time of the Great Giving.&quot;
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time III: The Time of the Great Giving]]'' (1995)

* And so, it came to pass that the migrating dinosaurs left the Great Valley for lands unknown. And yes, Littlefoot and his friends, Cera, Ducky, Petrie and Spike, would indeed meet Ali again one day. But that's another story.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time IV: Journey Through the Mists]]'' (1996)

* It's great to be home.
** Who: Cera
** ''[[The Land Before Time V: The Mysterious Island]]'' (1997)

* And so, another myth was born. It would change with each retelling. And even now, who knows how this one will end.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time VI: The Secret of Saurus Rock]]'' (1998)

* Oh, no! Oh, no! But we are plenty smart, right, Spike?
* Uh-huh.
** Who 1: Ducky
** Who 2: Spike
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time VII: The Stone of Cold Fire]]'' (1999)

* The families would be happy here until the Great Circle began to warm the land once more, melting the white ground sparkles and allowing new life to spring up, turning the earth green again. Then they could return to the Great Valley, where they could all get a good night's sleep, even Ducky.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time VIII: The Big Freeze]]'' (2001)

* This adventure was at an end. Still, Littlefoot, Cera, Ducky, Petrie and Spike knew in their hearts that there would be many more adventures yet to come.
** Who: Narrator
** Source:''[[The Land Before Time IX: Journey to Big Water]]'' (2002)

* I just have one question. Do we HAVE to go back through the swamp?
** Who: Ducky
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time X: The Great Longneck Migration]]'' (2003)

* And every nibbling day, the dinosaurs of the Great Valley gathered to celebrate these small things of life which mattered so much.
* Got you!
** Who 1: Narrator
** Who 2: Petrie
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time XI: Invasion of the Tinysauruses]]'' (2005)

* Many changes had occurred on this day of changes. And many more would follow. The dinosaur families understood this. They knew that change was a part of life in the Great Valley.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time XII: The Great Day of the Flyers]]'' (2006)

* In their journey to Berry Valley, the young dinosaurs had discovered that wisdom came in many different forms. And they knew that more lessons lay before them as they grew in the land before time.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time XIII: The Wisdom of Friends]]'' (2007)

* Littlefoot had found his father. And he found something else, too... Something he wasn't looking for. The realization that he and his friends would always be together... till the end of their days... in the Land Before Time.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time XIV: Journey of the Brave]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:The Lego Movie (franchise)|The Lego Movie]]'' film series ===

* Oh, man.
** Who: Emmet Brickowski
** Source: ''[[The Lego Movie]]'' (2014)

* Wow, that was fun! Really hope nobody was recording that. Let me see. Oh, this thing is on. This thing is recording.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[The Lego Batman Movie]]'' (2017)

* B mark.
** Who: Director
** Source: ''[[The Lego Ninjago Movie]]'' (2017)

* An original album of ''Everything is Awesome''?! Wait a minute. Is that...? 
** Who: Emmet Brickowski
** Source: ''[[The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part]]'' (2019)

=== ''[[w:Lilo &amp; Stitch (franchise) (franchise)|Lilo &amp; Stitch]]'' film series ===

* Wait.
** Who: Stitch
** Source: ''[[Lilo &amp; Stitch]]'' (2002)

* And with 626, they make one hotshot evil genius experiment-catching team!
** Who: Jumba Jookiba
* (post-credits:) I'll get the wig.
** Who: Wendy Pleakley
** Source: ''[[Stitch! The Movie]]'' (2003)

* Mom would be so proud of you.
** Who: Nani Pelekai
** Source: ''[[Lilo &amp; Stitch 2: Stitch Has a Glitch]]'' (2005)

* Aloha!
** Who: The Pelekai ''ʻohana'': Lilo Pelekai, Stitch, Nani Pelekai, David Kawena, Jumba Jookiba, Wendy Pleakley, Mertle Edmonds, and many of Jumba's genetic experiments (Stitch's &quot;cousins&quot;)
** Source: ''[[Leroy &amp; Stitch]]'' (2006)

=== ''[[w:The Lion King (franchise)|The Lion King]]'' film series ===

* Remember...
** Who: Mufasa's Ghost
** Source: ''[[The Lion King]]'' (1994)

* Well done, my son. We are one.
** Who: Mufasa's Ghost
** Source: ''[[The Lion King II: Simba's Pride]]'' (1998)

* Uh, Timon? I still don't do so well in crowds.
** Who: Pumbaa
** Source: ''[[The Lion King 1½]]'' (2004)

=== ''[[w:The Little Mermaid (franchise)|The Little Mermaid]]'' film series ===

* I love you, daddy.
** Who: Ariel
** Source: ''[[The Little Mermaid (1989 film)|The Little Mermaid]]'' (1989)

* Hi.
** Who: Melody
** Source: ''[[The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea]]'' (2000)

* That's my girl. Samba? Ooh-wa, ooh-wa! 
** Who: Benjamin
** Source: ''[[The Little Mermaid: Ariel's Beginning]]'' (2008)

=== ''[[w:Madagascar (franchise)|Madagascar]]'' film series ===

* Nah. Just smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave.
** Who: Skipper
** Source: ''[[Madagascar (2005 film)|Madagascar]]'' (2005)

* Shake 'em. Shake 'em. Shake 'em. Shake 'em...
** Who: King Julian XII
** Source: ''[[Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa]]'' (2008)

* Hey, Skipper, what did you end up doing with the crazy lady, anyway?
** Who: Alex
** Source: ''[[Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted]]'' (2012)

* You know, if I'm being honest, I expected a little more... pizzazz! Yes! Now, that's pizzazz!
** Who: King Julian XII
** Source: ''[[Penguins of Madagascar]]'' (2014)

=== ''[[w:Monsters, Inc. (franchise)|Monsters, Inc.]]'' film series ===

* Kitty!
** Who: Boo
** Source: ''[[Monsters, Inc.]]'' (2001)

* You better believe it.
** Who: Mike Wazowski
* (post-credits:) Great.
** Who: Student Slug Monster
** Source: ''[[Monsters University]]'' (2013)

=== ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls'' film series ===

* Just a hunch.
** Who: Pinkie Pie
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Equestria Girls]]'' (2013)

* One! Two! Three! Four!
** Who: Human Pinkie Pie
* (post-credits:) No doubt about it, Spike, there's definitely something strange going on at that school.
** Who: Human Twilight Sparkle (Sci-Twi)
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Rainbow Rocks]]'' (2014)

* Make that the ''second'' strangest.
** Who: Princess Twilight Sparkle
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Friendship Games]]'' (2015)

* Where did the magic that hit this cave come from?
** Who: Sunset Shimmer
* (post-credits:) Let's celebrate!
** Who: Human Pinkie Pie
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Legend of Everfree]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:The Nut Job|The Nut Job]]'' film series ===

* Any more big ideas? Please stay.
** Who: Norvirus Raccoon
** Source: ''[[The Nut Job]]'' (2014)
** Note: A mid-credits scene reveals that Raccoon and Cardinal survived and were drifted out to sea, but sharks now surround them, leaving their fate ambiguous.

* Ride, Precious! Ride! Hiyah!
** Who: Surly
** Source: ''[[The Nut Job 2: Nutty by Nature]]'' (2017)

=== ''[[w:Open Season (franchise)|Open Season]]'' film series ===

* Wait, wait. No. No. No!
** Who: Shaw
** Source: ''[[Open Season]]'' (2006)

* Come on!
** Who: Elliot
** Source: ''[[Open Season 2]]'' (2009)

* Boop!
** Who: Allistar
** Source: ''[[Open Season 3]]'' (2011)

* No.
** Who: Boog
** Source: ''[[Open Season: Scared Silly]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:The Rescuers|The Rescuers]]'' film series ===

* I sure wish we'd have taken the train.
** Who: Bernard
** Source: ''[[The Rescuers]]'' (1977)

* Help! Anybody! Bernard! Bianca! Where are you? Okay, that's it, I'm out of here. This is ridiculous. You can't leave me here alone. I'm gone! I am gone. Oh. Aw, no, stay in those eggs! That's a direct order! Oh. Hey, you're kind of a cute little feller. Coochy, coochy... Yeowww! Whoa! Ohhh!
** Who: Wilbur
** Source: ''[[The Rescuers Down Under]]'' (1990)

=== ''[[w:Rio (franchise)|Rio]]'' film series ===

* That's my big brave boy.
** Who: Linda Gunderson
* (in-credits:) I love you, Rio!
** Who: Luiz
** Source: ''[[Rio (film)|Rio]]'' (2011)

* That's the end?
** Who: Pedro
** Source: ''[[Rio 2]]'' (2014)

=== ''Rugrats'' film series ===

* Way to go, Dilly!
** Who: Tommy Pickles, Chuckie Finster, Phil and Lil Deville
** Source: ''[[The Rugrats Movie]]'' (1998)

* Well, Tommy. I guess this is the way things are gonna be from now on.
** Who: Chuckie Finster
** Source: ''[[Rugrats in Paris: The Movie]]'' (2000)

* Well, Eliza, as dog is my witness, I'll never lose my babies again!
** Who: Spike the Dog
** Source: ''[[Rugrats Go Wild]]'' (2003)

=== ''[[w:Shrek (franchise)|Shrek]]'' film series ===

* Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe.
** Who: [[w:Donkey (Shrek)|Donkey]]
** Source: ''[[Shrek]]'' (2001)

* Hey Donkey, that's Spanish!
** Who: [[w:Puss in Boots (Shrek)|Puss in Boots]]
* (mid-credits:) Look at our little mutant babies! I gotta get a job!
** Who: [[w:Donkey (Shrek)|Donkey]]
** Source: ''[[Shrek 2]]'' (2004)

* I got it.
** Who: [[w:Shrek (character)|Shrek]]
** Source: ''[[Shrek the Third]]'' (2007)

* No, it was ''you'' that rescued ''me.''
** Who: [[w:Shrek (character)|Shrek]]
** Source: ''[[Shrek Forever After]]'' (2010)

* This is the story of a cat who became a hero. An outlaw dedicated to justice and a lover of beautiful woman. A great, great lover. Really, it is crazy. I am Puss in Boots! And my name would become legend.
** Who: [[w:Puss in Boots (Shrek)|Puss in Boots]]
* (in-credits:) Oh!
** Who: Oh Cat
** Source: ''[[Puss in Boots (2011 film)|Puss in Boots]]'' (2011)

=== ''[[w:SpongeBob SquarePants (film series)|SpongeBob SquarePants]]'' film series ===

* Are you crazy? I was just gonna tell you that your fly is down. Manager! This is the greatest day of my life!!!
** Who: SpongeBob SquarePants
* (post credits:) Okay.
** Who: Captain Bart the Pirate
** Source: ''[[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie]]'' (2004)

* See you later, te-ammate!
** Who: [[w:SpongeBob SquarePants (character)|SpongeBob SquarePants]]
* That was pretty good actually.
** Who: Bubbles
* (in-credits:) You know what this needs? A little interpretive dance!
** Who: [[w:Squidward Tentacles|Squidward Tentacles]]
** Source: ''[[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water]]'' (2015)

* Order up!
** Who: [[w:SpongeBob SquarePants (character)|SpongeBob SquarePants]]
** Source: ''[[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge on the Run]]'' (2020)

=== ''[[w:Surf's Up (film)|Surf's Up]]'' film series ===

* Cody would never do this.
** Who: Edna Maverick
** Source: ''[[Surf's Up]]'' (2007)

* Okay, That's a wrap on this episode of &quot;Are they still cool? Surf Edition&quot;. Aaaand cut.
** Who: Announcer
** Source: ''[[Surf's Up 2: WaveMania]]'' (2017)

=== ''[[w:Toy Story (franchise)|Toy Story]]'' film series ===

* Oh, what is it? What is it? Wow! A puppy!
** Who: Andy Davis
** Source: ''[[Toy Story]]'' (1995)

* Besides, when it all ends, I'll have old Buzz Lightyear to keep me company - for infinity and beyond.
** Who: Woody
* Yeah!
** Who: Wheezy
* (outtakes:) A little break, okay. Phew.
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''[[Toy Story 2]]'' (1999)

* So long, partner. Oh hey, Buzz! You haven't met Bonnie's toys yet! 
** Who: Woody
* (in-credits:) Just go with it, Buzz.
** Who: Jessie
** Source: ''[[Toy Story 3]]'' (2010)

* He's not lost. Not anymore. To infinity...
* ...and beyond.
** Who 1: Buzz Lightyear
** Who 2: Woody
* (mid-credits 1:) Oh yeah. Leave it to us, Jermiah.
** Who: Ducky
* (mid-credits 2:) Yeah. We know exactly what to do.
** Who: Bunny
* (mid-credits 3:) Whoa.
** Who: Duke Caboom
* (mid-credits 4:) I don't know.
** Who: Forky
* (post-credits:) Caboom! Yes.
** Who: Duke Caboom
** Source: ''[[Toy Story 4]]'' (2019)

* To infinity...
* ...and beyond.
** Who 1: Izzy Hawthorne
** Who 2: Buzz Lightyear
* (mid-credits:) [laughs] Laser Shield.
**Who: Commander Burnside
*(post-credits:) Ask the bromite swamps, a breathtaking sight or so I am told, but if you're in a hurry, this would be your most direct route. Any questions? Hello? Oh...
**Who: E.R.I.C.
** Source: ''[[Lightyear (film)|Lightyear]]'' (2022)

=== ''[[Winnie the Pooh]]'' film series ===

* Wherever they go, and whatever happens to them on the way, in their enchanted place on top of the forest, a little bear will always be waiting.
** Who: The narrator
** Source: ''[[The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh]]'' (1977)

* Yes, Piglet. It's the least we could do... for a very small Piglet who's done such very big things. Thank you, Piglet.
** Who: Pooh
** Source: ''[[Piglet's Big Movie]]'' (2003)

* And so it is here we shall leave them. And here we shall find them again. For the boy and the bear will always be together in this remarkable place called the Hundred Acre Wood.
** Who: The narrator
** Source: ''[[Pooh's Grand Adventure: The Search for Christopher Robin]]'' (1997)

* You know, we never really did capture a Heffalump that day. It was more like... like Lumpy captured all of us.
** Who: Pooh
** Source: ''[[Pooh's Heffalump Movie]]'' (2005)

* You were right! I love Hallowoon! Hallow-woo... Hallow... Oh, whatever. As long as we're together!
** Who: Lumpy
** Source: ''[[Pooh's Heffalump Halloween Movie]]'' (2006)

* Look this way, everybody. Closer. Smile!
** Who: Christopher Robin
** Source: ''[[The Tigger Movie]]'' (2000)

* Silly old bear.
** Who: Christopher Robin
* (post-credits:) Wow! It's amazing what you can find in the woods. A marble! And a boot! And oh, my, that's a scary-lookin' fella. Gosh! Maybe these are his things. You know, I better pick 'em up so they won't get broken. That's the last thing I would want. Whoa!  Oh, my gosh! Is this a pit? I think I'm in a pit! Hello? Anybody up there? Oh, well. I sure hope that fella will be back soon.
** Who: The Backson
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh (film)|Winnie the Pooh]]'' (2011)
** Note: He comes out of the scary woods and proves to be real but instead of being a monstrous beast, he is actually very kind and the bait Pooh and the other left for him he decided to pick them up to return to them but falls into the pit as planned. He decides to wait for someone to help him out and hopes he'll be back soon.

* And so another Christmas came and went in the Hundred Acre Wood. It had been a joyous season of giving for all our friends, but especially for a little bear named Winnie the Pooh.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh: Seasons of Giving]]'' (1999)

* Not bad! But it could've used a few more jingly bells.
** Who: Tigger
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh: A Very Merry Pooh Year]]'' (2002)

* BBFN: Bye-Bye For Now!
** Who: Roo
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh: Springtime With Roo]]'' (2004)

=== ''[[Winx Club]]'' film series ===

* And thus, the fairy that was searching for her origins learned to believe in herself, and to trust the people she loved. She stayed true to herself, and to what she believed in, and won her greatest battle, saving her kingdom, freeing her people, and reuniting her family, and finally becoming a true guardian fairy. And now written in the Book of Fate, there's a new Company of Light... the Winx!
** Who: Bartelby (Dubbing Brothers)
* And so, the most strong-willed of all fairies overcame the greatest challenge. She learned to believe in herself and trust the people she loved. She stayed true to what was in her heart and in doing so she saved a kingdom, freed her people, and reunited her long-lost family. And finally, she became a true Guardian Fairy. And now written in the Book of Fate, there's a new Company of Light, called... the Winx!
** Who: Bartelby (Atlas Oceanic)
* (pre-credits:) And soon we'll loop their stupid little fairy wings right off their bodies!
** Who: Icy (Dubbing Brothers)
* (pre-credits:) And soon we reap their weak little fairy wings right of their bodies!
** Who: Icy (Atlas Oceanic)
** Source: ''[[Winx Club: The Secret of the Lost Kingdom]]'' (2007)

* Daddy...
** Who: Bloom
* (post-credits:) Ta-da!!!
** Who: Stella
** Source: ''[[Winx Club 3D: Magical Adventure]]'' (2010)

* Kiko... Thank you! I'm really dying for an ice cream!
** Who: Sky
** Source: ''[[Winx Club: The Mystery of the Abyss]]'' (2014)

=== ''[[w:Wreck-It Ralph (franchise)|Wreck-It Ralph]]'' film series ===

* But I gotta say, the best part of my day is when I get thrown off the roof. Because when the Nicelanders lift me up, I get a perfect view of Sugar Rush, and I can see Vanellope racing. The kid's a natural, the players love her, glitch and all, just like I knew they would. Turns out I don't need a medal to tell me I'm a good guy. Because if that little kid likes me... how bad can I be?
** Who: [[w:Wreck-it Ralph (character)|Wreck-it Ralph]]
** Source: ''[[Wreck-It Ralph]]'' (2012)

* Come on Felix, let's get to work, buddy.
* (mid-credits:) No, the kitty gets the milkshake. The bunny gets the pancake.
* (post-credits:) Oh no, why would I?! I like you! You guys still sticking around? Alright well, you're welcome to stay, there's not really anymore surprises but you know. Good luck getting that song out of your head it's a real ear wig. Anyway what else uh...
** Who: [[w:Wreck-it Ralph (character)|Wreck-it Ralph]]
** Source: ''[[Ralph Breaks the Internet]]'' (2018)

== Streaming service films ==

=== Disney+ films ===

* Hey! Movie's over! Go home!
** Who: Terry
** Source: ''[[Soul (2020 film)|Soul]]'' (2020)

=== Netflix films ===

* Well, rickety biscuit.
** Who: Edmée
** Source: ''[[Arlo the Alligator Boy]]'' (2021)

* Yay! I missed you so much!
** Who: GIR
** Source: ''[[Invader Zim: Enter the Florpus]]'' (2019)

* No!
** Who: Bobby Santiago
* (in-credits:) Just the right amount of cinnamon.
** Who: Lincoln Loud
** Source: ''[[The Loud House Movie]]'' (2021)

* Whew! Hey, guys. What did I miss? ''Aaaaaahhhhh''--
** Who: Balloon Pony
* (post-credits:) Me first!
** Who: Kid Earth Pony 1
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: A New Generation]]'' (2021)

* Woo-hoo...OOF!
** Who: Hilda
** Source: ''[[Hilda and The Mountain King]]'' (2021)

* Two thousand one boogers on the wall, two thousand and one boogers... Pick one out and flick it off, two thousand and two boogers on the wall. Two thousand and two boogers on the wall, two thousand and two boogers...
** Who: Mr. Dupette
** Source: ''[[Rocko's Modern Life: Static Cling]]'' (2019)

=== Paramount+ films ===

* We just had another call asking to speak with Victor Chouce. You're quite a popular man, Victor. I wonder what all the fuss is about. Don't feel like talking, huh? You will.
** Who: Warden
** Source: ''[[South Park: Post Covid]]'' (2021)

* Remember folks, weed can't solve all your problems but tegridy can. Tegridy Weeeed.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[South Park: Post Covid: The Return of Covid]]'' (2021)

* Yeah, well, you see, ManBearPig, eventually, he gonna kill everybody. He just gonna kill you first.
** Who: Pi-Pi
** Source: ''[[South Park: The Streaming Wars]]'' (2022)

* Yeah, but that all sounds really hard. We have enough water for the summer now. Fuck it. Let's smoke some weed!
** Who: Randy Marsh
** Source: ''[[South Park: The Streaming Wars Part 2]]'' (2022)

== Animated TV specials ==

* D.W., turn that thing off!
** Who: Arthur Read
** Source: ''Arthur's Perfect Christmas'' (2000)
* Well, you kids will never believe this, but I could almost swear I saw a cat – a Cat in the Hat, mind you – going down the street with a moss-covered three-handled family gradunza!
** Who: Mother
** Source: ''[[The Cat in the Hat (TV special)|The Cat in the Hat]]'' (1971)
* C'mon, sis. Let's go talk to Mom and Dad.
** Who: Michael
** Source: ''[[Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue]]'' (1990)

* There is a story, some kids tell about when the world was ruled by an evil adult. A story about a boy, his dad, a book, and a tree. It's the true story about how I found the book of KND and what I wrote in it. Five words only. WE. ARE. KIDS. NEXT. DOOR.
** Who: Nigel Uno (Numbuh One)
** Source: ''[[Codename: Kids Next Door - Operation Z.E.R.O.]]'' (2006)

* It's taken me so many years, so many lifetimes, but at last I know where I'm going. Where I've always been going. Home, the long way round.
** Who: The [[Eleventh Doctor]]
** Source: ''[[Eleventh Doctor|Doctor Who: The Day of the Doctor]]'' (2013)

* Mr. Phillip has wished, and so I shall use my power. With a wave of my hands, I shall say, &quot;au revoir, Eiffel Tower!&quot;
** Who: Adil
** Source: ''[[Genie in the House|Genie in the House: Legend of the Dragon]]'' (2010)

* Oh, I love it, Philip, I love it too bits!
** Who: Max Baxter
** Source: ''[[Genie in the House|Genie in the House: Return to Balamkadaar]]'' (2008)

* We'll be waiting right here.
** Who: Stella Shortman
** Source: ''[[Hey Arnold!: The Jungle Movie]]'' (2017)

* Welcome, Christmas, bring your cheer. Cheer to all Whos far and near. Christmas Day is in our grasp, so as long as we have hands to clap, Christmas Day will always be just as long as we have. Welcome, Christmas. While we stand... Heart to heart... and hand to hand.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[w: How the Grinch stole Christmas|Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas]]'' (1966)

* Merry Christmas!
** Who: [[w:Santa Claus|Santa Claus]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: A Mammoth Christmas]]'' (2011)

* The ship is terrible! Not seaworthy! Bunny overboard!
** Who: [[w:List_of_Ice_Age_characters#Squint|Squint]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: The Great Egg-Scapade]]'' (2016)
** Note: Squint trying to sail away in a basket as a ship but unfortunately it sinks.

* Merry Christmas and happy Julianuary, everybody!
** Who: Mort
** Source: ''[[Merry Madagascar]]'' (2009)

* Two, three four!
** Who: River
** Source: ''My Scene: Jammin' in Jamaica'' (2004)

* To sharing secrets with the best friends anyone could ever have!
** Who: Chelsea
** Source: ''My Scene: Masquerade Madness'' (2004)

* What? It's none of your business!
** Who: Beth
** Source: ''Polly Pocket: Lunar Eclipse'' (2003)

* Still, it was mad fun!
** Who: Pia Pocket
** Source: ''Polly Pocket: 2 Cool at the Pocket Plaza'' (2005)

* Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho!
** Who: [[w:Santa Claus|Santa Claus]]
** Source: ''[[Stick Man]]'' (2015)

* Okay, next time, we're going to Mexico. OW!
** Who: Beast Boy
** Source: ''[[Teen Titans: Trouble in Tokyo]]'' (2006)

* Above all, do not lament my absence, for in my spark, I know that this is not the end, but merely a new beginning. Simply put, another transformation.
** Who: Optimus Prime
** Source: ''[[Transformers: Prime|Transformers: Prime - Predacons Rising]]'' (2013)

* First one inside gets to give him mouth to mouth!
** Who: Lee
* (post-credits:) It's the end of the movie? What movie?
** Who: Jonny 2X4
** Source: ''[[Ed, Edd n Eddy's Big Picture Show]]'' (2009)

* That night, the stars seemed to shine down on the forest with a special warm glow. Schaeffer wondered if he could have dreamt it all. Surely a star had fallen and spread magic in its path? And one special wish had come true, just now. And then Schaeffer stopped wondering, because he suddenly knew that if Broo had made it to the Evergreen Forest, then he would soon see Sophia and the Raccoons too.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Raccoons and the Lost Star]]'' (1983)

=== ''[[Futurama]]'' ===

* Well, we're boned.
** Who: Bender
** Source: ''[[Futurama: Bender's Big Score]]'' (2007)

* Because Bender knows love. And love doesn't share itself with the world. Love is suspicious, love is needy, love is fearful, love is greedy. My friends, there is no great love without great jealousy. I love you, meatbags.
** Who: Bender
** Source: ''[[Futurama: The Beast with a Billion Backs]]'' (2008)

* Faster! Faster! Slower!
** Who: Professor Farnsworth
** Source: ''[[Futurama: Bender's Game]]'' (2008)

* Go! Go!
** Who: Fry and Leela
** Source: ''[[Futurama: Into the Wild Green Yonder]]'' (2009)

=== ''[[The Jimmy Timmy Power Hour Specials]]'' ===

* GET OUT OF MY LAB!
** Who: Jimmy Neutron
** Source: ''Jimmy Timmy Power Hour'' (2004)

* Boys, boys! Please! This fighting over me has got to stop!
** Who: Cindy Vortex
** Source: ''Jimmy Timmy Power Hour 2: When Nerds Collide'' (2006)

* Okay, give him his brain back, boys.
** Who: Cindy Vortex
** Source: ''Jimmy Timmy Power Hour 3: The Jerkinators'' (2006)

=== ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls'' specials ===

* Me too!
** Who: Sour Sweet
** Source: ''Dance Magic'' (2017)

* Uh, sorry.
** Who: Human Rainbow Dash
** Source: ''Movie Magic'' (2017)

* Right.
** Who: Starlight Glimmer
** Source: ''Mirror Magic'' (2017)

* Oh, come on! Seriously?!
** Who: Human Rainbow Dash
** Source: ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Forgotten Friendship'' (2018)

* If you’re up for it.
** Who: Human Rarity
** Source: ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Rollercoaster of Friendship'' (2018)

* We’re baaaack!
** Who: Sunset Shimmer
** Source: ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Spring Breakdown'' (2019)

* Yeah, I guess it would’ve been!
** Who: Human Pinkie Pie
** Source: ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Sunset's Backstage Pass'' (2020)

=== ''[[Miraculous Ladybug]]'' ===

* Hmm.
** Who: Monk
** Source: ''[[Miraculous World: New York – United Heroez]]'' (2020)

* Coming to China, I found so much more than I'd ever hoped for: an amazing uncle, a new friend, and a new Mandarin teacher.
** Who: Marinette Dupain-Cheng
** Source: ''[[Miraculous World: Shanghai – The Legend of Ladydragon]]'' (2020)

=== ''Peanuts'' ===

* Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown!
** Who: Everyone
** Source: ''[[A Charlie Brown Christmas]]'' (1965)

* My grandmother lives in a condominium.
** Who: Charlie Brown
** Source: ''[[A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving]] (1973)

* To read Crime and Punishment by Dostoevsky. Happy New Year, Charlie Brown.
** Who: [[w:Linus van Pelt|Linus van Pelt]]
** Source: ''[[Happy New Year, Charlie Brown]]'' (1986)

* Ah...the Easter Beagle...
** Who: Lucy van Pelt
** Source: ''[[It's the Easter Beagle, Charlie Brown]]'' (1974)

* STUPID? What do you mean &quot;stupid&quot;?! Just wait till next year, Charlie Brown! You'll see! Next year at this same time, I'll find a pumpkin patch that is *real* sincere and I'll sit in that pumpkin patch until the Great Pumpkin appears. He'll rise out of that pumpkin patch and he'll fly through the air with his bag of toys. The Great Pumpkin will appear and I'll be waiting for him! I'll be there! I'll be sitting there in that pumpkin patch... and I'll see the Great Pumpkin. Just wait and see, Charlie Brown. I'll see that Great Pumpkin. I'll SEE the Great Pumpkin! Just you wait, Charlie Brown. The Great Pumpkin will appear, and I'll be waiting for him...!
** Who: Linus van Pelt
** Source: ''[[It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown]]'' (1966)

* Grandma?
** Who: Linus van Pelt
** Source: ''Happiness is a Warm Blanket, Charlie Brown'' (2011)

* Charlie Brown, get your stupid dog to stop playing this music!
** Who: Lucy van Pelt
** Source: ''[[It's the Pied Piper, Charlie Brown]]'' (2000)

=== ''Rankin/Bass'' ===

* Merry Christmas! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
** Who: Santa Claus
** Source: ''[[Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (TV special)|Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer]]'' (1964)

* Aaron's heart was filled with joy and love. And he knew at last that the hate he had carried there was wrong. As ALL hatred will ever be wrong. For more powerful, more beautiful by far than all the eons of sadness and cruelty and desolation which had come before, was that one tiny, crystalline second of laughter. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.
** Who: Our Storyteller
** Source: ''[[The Little Drummer Boy (film)|The Little Drummer Boy]]'' (1968)

* I'll be back on Christmas Day!
** Who: Frosty
** Source: ''[[Frosty the Snowman (TV special)|Frosty the Snowman]]'' (1969)

* Merry Christmas!
** Who: Children
** Source: ''[[Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town (film)|Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town]]'' (1970)

* Happy Easter Day!
** Who: Everyone
** Source: ''[[Here Comes Peter Cottontail]]'' (1971)

* Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!
** Who: Santa Claus
** Source: ''[['Twas the Night Before Christmas (1974 TV special)|'Twas the Night Before Christmas]]'' (1974)

* I dreamed unhappy things!
** Who: Santa Claus
** Source: ''[[The Year Without a Santa Claus]]'' (1974)

* And frosty, too!
** Who: Frosty and Crystal
** Source: ''[[Frosty's Winter Wonderland]]'' (1976)

* And may it be shiny, too!
** Who: Rudolph
** Source: ''[[Rudolph's Shiny New Year]]'' (1976)

* Okay!
** Who: Rudolph
** Source: ''[[Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July]]'' (1979)

* And so, the folks of Beansborough got their winter carnival after all. A tradition was saved. Summer Wheeze was permanently canned, and Mr. Twitchell decided to make sleds instead of trouble. He should have known he was no match for Mother Nature, or a little girl like Holly. Next stop: Winnipeg. Nice town, plenty of parking space, and lots of cocoa.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Frosty Returns]]'' (1992)

=== ''Marvel Rising'' franchise ===

=== ''Thomas and Friends'' specials ===

* Emily was delighted. That night, the engines talked about steamies, diesels, and airplanes, and they all agreed that Tidmouth sheds was the best place to be.
** Who: The narrator
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Calling All Engines]]'' (2005)

* But we're ALL leaders of the track!
* And he couldn't have been happier!
** Who 1: Thomas
** Who 2: The narrator
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|The Great Discovery]]'' (2008)

* I know, Thomas. Thank you.
** Who: Hiro
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Hero of the Rails]]'' (2008)

* And everyone giggled and jiggled.
** Who: The narrator
* (post-credits:) You'll be laughing on the other side of your boilers soon, silly steamies! ''(evil laugh)'' Yes...
** Who: Diesel 10
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Misty Island Rescue]]'' (2010)
** Note: The latter aforementioned line leads into the events of ''Day of the Diesels''. 

* And the two best friends giggled and jiggled with joy.
** Who: The narrator
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Day of the Diesels]]'' (2011)

* And no engine whistled louder than Thomas and Luke!
** Who: The narrator
* (in-credits:) It's me!
** Who: Rheneas
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Blue Mountain Mystery]]'' (2012)

* Knights in Shining Armor, on your mark, get set, go!
** Who: Sir Robert Norramby
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|King of the Railway]]'' (2013)

* Percy was sad to say goodbye to his new friend, but he was happy that he had his old friends beside him.
** Who: The narrator
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Tale of the Brave]]'' (2014)

* But I'm not Mr. Coffee Pot, my name is Glynn.
** Who: Glynn
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|The Adventure Begins]]'' (2015)

* One, two, threeeeeeeee!!!
** Who: Scuba divers' captain
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Sodor's Legend of the Lost Treasure]]'' (2015)

* Good idea! You ''are'' clever. Sometimes.
** Who: Ashima
* (in-credits:) OVER HERE! I'M FULL OF SURPRISES...!
** Who: Diesel
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|The Great Race]]'' (2016)

* What did I miss?
** Who: Henry
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Journey Beyond Sodor]]'' (2017)

* Thomas?
** Who: Ace
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Big World! Big Adventures!]]'' (2018)

=== ''Winnie the Pooh'' specials ===

* No worry! Take your time! Yum, yum!
** Who: Winnie the Pooh
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh and the Honey Tree]]'' (1966)

* And Piglet, too!
** Who: Piglet
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh and the Blustery Day]]'' (1968)

* Come on, everybody! Bounce!
** Who: Rabbit
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh and Tigger Too]]'' (1974)

* Of course you are. Silly old bear.
** Who: Christopher Robin
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh and a Day for Eeyore]]'' (1983)

* And so it was the most thankful day of Thanksgiving, for of all the things we've had or ever liked, the grandest thing we shall ever have is one another... or so it was said, by a bear named Winnie the Pooh.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''A Winnie the Pooh Thanksgiving'' (1998)

* And so as winter changes into spring, which changes into summer, there are things which go on forever unchanging, such as the way a certain boy cares for a certain bear. And we will know for as long as we care to remember, that somewhere in that enchanted place, on top of the forest... a boy and his bear... will always be playing.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''Winnie the Pooh: A Valentine for You'' (1999)

=== ''Winx Club'' specials ===

* I AM A FAIRY!!!
** Who: Bloom
** Source: ''Winx Club: The Fate of Bloom'' (2011)

* The Trix took the Dragon Flame!
** Who: Bloom
** Source: ''Winx Club: Revenge of the Trix'' (2011)

* I don't know, but I guess we'll find out... together.
** Who: Sky
** Source: ''Winx Club: The Battle for Magix'' (2011)

* Get over here!
** Who: Bloom
** Source: ''Winx Club: The Shadow Phoenix'' (2011)

[[Category:Last lines|Animated films]]</text>
      <sha1>f01g63lalnunsem05i34zo151mh3r5n</sha1>
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    <revision>
      <id>3153864</id>
      <parentid>3153863</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-12T10:18:47Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
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      <comment>/* How to Train Your Dragon film series */</comment>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="85937" xml:space="preserve">== Animated films ==

* I'm not sure, exactly. But this world is ours now. It's what we make of it.
** Who: 9
** Source: ''[[9 (2009 animated film)|9]]'' (2009)

* Stop attacking me! Why do you always have to attack me now?! Sit, stay, sit!
** Who: King Llort
** Source: ''[[A Troll in Central Park]]'' (1994)

* No laughing. I’m serious.
** Who: Nai Nai
** Source: ''[[Abominable (2019 film)|Abominable]]'' (2019)

* Man, I'm getting out of here.
** Who: [[w:Bing Crosby|Bing Crosby]]
** Source: ''[[The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad]]'' (1949)

* Bye-bye!
** Who: Rocky
** Source: ''[[The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle]]'' (2000)

* He'll be back.
** Who: Charlie B. Barkin
** Source: ''[[All Dogs Go to Heaven]]'' (1989)

* Hey, guys! I worked a little magic.
** Who: David
** Source: ''[[All Dogs Go to Heaven 2]]'' (1996)

* Buh-bye!
** Who: Fievel and Tanya Mousekewitz
** Source: ''[[An American Tail]]'' (1986)

* I think one day you'll find... that you're the hero you've been lookin'for.
** Who: Wylie
** Source: ''[[An American Tail: Fievel Goes West]]'' (1991)

* Huh? Wow!
** Who: Fievel Mousekewitz
** Source: ''[[An American Tail: The Treasure of Manhattan Island]]'' (1998)

* Sweet dreams, my little Fievel. Sweet dreams.
** Who: Mama Mousekewitz
** Source: ''[[An American Tail: The Mystery of the Night Monster]]'' (1999)

* So long, everybody.
** Who: Bartok
** Source: ''[[Anastasia (1997 film)|Anastasia]]'' (1997)

* To the animals, it now seemed that their world, which may or may not some day become a happy place to live in, was worse than ever for ordinary creatures, and another moment had come when they must do something about it...
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Animal Farm (1954 film)|Animal Farm]]'' (1954)

* There you have it. Your average 'boy-meets-girl, boy-likes-girl, boy-changes-underlying-social-order' story. So, what else can I tell you? We rebuilt the colony - it's even better than before, you know, 'cause now it has a very large indoor swimming pool. Bala and I, incidentally, are thinking of starting a family. You know, just a few kids, maybe a million or two to begin with. And I'm, I'm workin' with a new therapist, you know, terrific, absolutely terrific. He's, he's been putting me in touch with my inner maggot, which is helping me a great deal. And, you know, I finally feel like I've found my place. And you know what? It's right back where I started. But the difference is, this time I chose it.
** Who: Z
** Source: ''[[Antz]]'' (1998)

* Wait a minute. I'm the leader. I'll say when it's the end. It's the end.
** Who: Napoleon
** Source: ''[[The Aristocats]]'' (1970)

* So long, folks.
** Who: Bartok
** Source: ''[[Bartok the Magnificent]]'' (1999)

* I am.
** Who: Andrea Beaumont
** Source: ''[[Batman: Mask of the Phantasm]]'' (1993)

* Tool.
** Who: Butt-head
** Source: ''[[Beavis and Butt-head Do America]]'' (1996)

* Between you and me, I was dying to get out of that office.
** Who: Barry Benson
* (post-credits:) I had virtually no rehearsal for that.
** Who: Barry Benson
** Source: ''[[Bee Movie]]'' (2007)

* We didn't set out to be superheroes... But sometimes, life doesn't go the way you planned. The good thing is, my brother wanted to help a lot of people, and that's what we're gonna do. Who are we?
** Who: Hiro Hamada
* (post-credits:) We have a lot to talk about.
** Who: Fred's Dad
** Source: ''[[Big Hero 6]]'' (2014) 

* Nope. I've never seen him before in my life.
** Who: A pigeon
** Source: ''[[Bolt (2008 film)|Bolt]]'' (2008)

* Yep.
** Who: Doli
** Source: ''[[The Black Cauldron (film)|The Black Cauldron]]'' (1985)

* Bye!
** Who: Steve and Blue
** Source: ''[[Blue's Big Musical Movie]]'' (2000)

* Yay! They're staying! Let's do this....
** Who: Scoop
** Source: ''[[Bob The Builder: Mega Machines The Movie]]'' (2017)

* Hi there, baby sister.
** Who: Timothy's daughter
* (mid-credits:) Okay.
** Who: Mrs. Templeton
* (post-credits:) Wake up, little halflings. It's time to leave. Go and live your peasant lives. BE GONE WITH YOU!
** Who: Wizzie
** Source: ''[[The Boss Baby]]'' (2017)

* There are those who say fate is something beyond our command. That destiny is not our own, but I know better. Our fate lives within us. You only have to be brave enough to see it.
** Who: Merida
* (post-credits:) Delivery! Sign here, sign here! Come on, birdbrain! Haven't got all day!
** Who: The Crow
** Source: ''[[Brave (2012 film)|Brave]]'' (2012)

* My brother Kenai went on to live with Koda and the other bears. He taught me that love is very powerful. And I passed on the wisdom of his story to our people. The story of a boy who became a man...by becoming a bear.
** Who: Old Denahi
* (post-credits) Cut, cut. Ooh.
** Who: Koda
** Source: ''[[Brother Bear]]'' (2003)

* Present stalks! Harvester, salute!
** Who: Thorny
* (in-credits:) Spinning a web of safety in less in 15... Ow!
** Who: P.T.
** Source: ''[[A Bug's Life]]'' (1998)

* TRA-LA-LAAAAAAAA!!!
** Who: Captain Underpants/Mr. Krupp
* (in-credits:) NO!
** Who: Secretary
** Source: ''[[Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie]]'' (2017)

* Get a picture, boys. These kids will be making history!
** Who: L.B. Mammoth
* Hmph!
** Who: Darla Dimple
** Source: ''[[Cats Don't Dance]]'' (1997)

* Wilbur never forgot Charlotte. Although he loved her children and grandchildren dearly, none of the new spiders ever quite took her place in his heart. She was in a class by herself. It's not often that someone comes along who's a true friend and a good writer. Charlotte was both.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Charlotte's Web (1973 film)|Charlotte's Web]]'' (1973)

*Oh, Ace!
**Who: Movie Abby
**Source: ''[[Chicken Little (2005 film)|Chicken Little]]'' (2005)

* Hang on. Let's go over this again?
** Who: Fetcher
* (in-credits:) I don't know.
** Who: Nick
** Source: ''[[Chicken Run]]'' (2000)

* Coco!
** Who: Héctor
** Source: ''[[Coco (2017 film)|Coco]]'' (2017)

* Well, so long, glamor boy!
** Who: Jim Crow
** Source: ''[[Dumbo]]'' (1941)

* I'm so proud of you guys.
** Who: Kronk
** Source: ''[[The Emperor's New Groove]]'' (2000)

* Oh, how cute.
** Who: Yzma
** Source: ''[[Kronk's New Groove]]'' (2005)

* To kindness and love, the things we need most!
** Who: [[w:The Grinch|The Grinch]]
** Source: ''[[The Grinch (film)|Dr. Seuss' The Grinch]]'' (2018)

* Well, come on, Baggy buddy! Let's get back to where we belong. And get with the beat!
** Who: Baloo
** Source: ''[[The Jungle Book (1967 film)|The Jungle Book]]'' (1967)

* Yeah, man!
** Who: Baloo
** Source: ''[[The Jungle Book 2]]'' (2003)

* And so, all ended well for both Horton and Whos. And for all in the jungle, even Kangaroos. So let that be a lesson to one and to all. A person's a person. No matter how small.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Horton Hears a Who! (film)|Dr. Seuss' Horton Hears a Who!]]'' (2008)

* You done good, Beanpole. You done good. By the way, nice mustache.
** Who: [[w:The Lorax|The Lorax]]
** Source: ''[[The Lorax (film)|Dr. Seuss' The Lorax]]'' (2012)

* Somebody! Stop those pants!
** Who: Scrooge McDuck
** Source: ''[[DuckTales|DuckTales the Movie: Treasure of the Lost Lamp]]'' (1990)

* Aw, shit cunt!
** Who: Spanky Ham
** Source: ''[[The Drawn Together Movie: The Movie!]]'' (2010)

* Go fish.
** Who: Smiler
** Source: ''[[The Emoji Movie]]'' (2017)

* Everyone together...
* La Familia Madrigal!
** Who: Abuela Alma Madrigal
** Who 2: The Madrigals
** Source: ''[[Encanto (film)|Encanto]]'' (2021)

* Mmm... that was a good toast.
** Who: Ash
** Source: ''[[Fantastic Mr. Fox (film)|Fantastic Mr. Fox]]'' (2009)

* Yeah, forever.
** Who: Copper
** Source: ''[[The Fox and the Hound]]'' (1981)

* Yeah. Well, good night, Willie. Don't slam the roof. You might wake Mr. Bergen.
** Who: Mortimer
** Source: ''[[Fun and Fancy Free]]'' (1947)

* Enchante, Madamoiselle!
** Who: Goofy
** Source: ''[[A Goofy Movie]]'' (1995)

* You know, somehow I knew you would. Ah-yuck!
** Who: Goofy
** Source: ''[[An Extremely Goofy Movie]]'' (2000)

* Arlo!
** Who: Momma Ida
** Source: ''[[The Good Dinosaur]]'' (2015)

* From that time on, Basil and I were a close team, and over the years we had many cases together. But I shall always look back on that first with the most fondness: My introduction to Basil of Baker Street: ''The Great Mouse Detective.''
** Who: Dawson
** Source: ''[[The Great Mouse Detective]]'' (1986)

* Yeah, things are looking up around here now.
** Who: Pokey
** Source: ''[[Gumby: The Movie]]'' (1995)

* That's Phil's boy!
** Who: The Strong Man
* (post-credits:) What d'ya say? It's happy ending time! Everybody's got a little taste of something, but me! I got nothin'! I'm, I'm here with nothin'! Anybody listenin'? It's like I'm... What am I, an echo or something? Hello? Hello? Am I talking to, what, hyperspace? Hello, it's me! Nobody listens.
** Who: Hades
** Source: ''[[Hercules (1997 film)|Hercules]]'' (1997)

* Show's over, Eugene.
** Who: Gerald Johanssen
** Source: ''[[Hey Arnold!: The Movie]]'' (2002)

* Everybody smile.
** Who: Lucy Tucci
** Source: ''[[Home (2015 film)|Home]]'' (2015) 

* Don't you ever migrate?
** Who: Laverne
* (post-credits:) Good night, everybody! Whoo-hoo-hoo!
** Who: Hugo
** Source: ''[[The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1996 film)|The Hunchback of Notre Dame]]'' (1996)

* And I love Quasimodo!!
** Who: Madellaine
** Source: ''[[The Hunchback of Notre Dame II]]'' (2002)

* We've been through a lot lately, that's for sure. But we still love our girl. She has great new friends, a great new house. Things couldn't be better. After all, Riley's twelve now. What could happen?
** Who: Joy
* (in-credits:) No! Not this again!
** Who: Bus Driver's Emotions
** Source: ''[[Inside Out (2015 film)|Inside Out]]'' (2015)

* See you later.
** Who: Hogarth Hughes
** Source: ''[[The Iron Giant]]'' (1999)

* I take it back.
** Who: Jane
** Source: ''[[Is It College Yet?]]'' (2002)

* Oh!
** Who: Helen
** Source: ''[[Is It Fall Yet?]]'' (2000)

* And that is exactly what you had just seen.
** Who: Old Man
** Source: ''[[James and the Giant Peach]]'' (1996)

* Ah, the fucking autopilot's broke!
** Who: Jay
** Source: ''[[Jay &amp; Silent Bob's Super Groovy Cartoon Movie]]'' (2013)

* Onward, Mr Wiggles. We reach the cafeteria by dawn. Waaaaah!
** Who: Ms. Winifred Fowl
** Source: ''[[Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius (film)|Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius]]'' (2001)

* Listen to them, Soren. They want more stories. Well, come on, you lot. Let's not disappoint them. Ah. There's a good storm brewing. And if we're lucky, I'll be chock full of baggywrinkles.
** Who: Ezylryb
** Source: ''[[Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole]]'' (2010)

* Never too big. You will always be my Little Bear.
** Who: Mother Bear
** Source: ''[[The Little Bear Movie]]'' (2001)

* That does it, Charlie Brown! He is your dog, and you're welcome to him.
** Who: Lucy Van Pelt
** Source: ''[[Snoopy, Come Home]]'' (1972)

* Let's go, bulls!
** Who: [[w:Bill Murray|Bill Murray]]
* (post-credits:) Can l go home now?
** Who: [[w:Michael Jordan|Michael Jordan]]
** Source: ''[[Space Jam]]'' (1996)

* Th-th-th-that's all, folks!
** Who: [[w:Porky Pig|Porky Pig]]
** Source: ''[[Space Jam: A New Legacy]]'' (2021)

* Nice work. See you tomorrow!
** Who: Director
* Go home, folks.
** Who: [[w:Porky Pig|Porky Pig]]
** Source: ''[[Looney Tunes: Back in Action]]'' (2003)

* WILMA!
** Who: [[w:Fred Flintstone|Fred Flintstone]]
** Source: ''[[The Man Called Flintstone]]'' (1966)

* In the state of Texas, USA, life still goes on in the same old way. The Pecos River still flows on, but the greatest cowboy on earth is gone. Yeah, Bill went back to the coyotes, but he never forgot Sue. Every night when the moon was high, he'd lift his voice in a mournful cry, bewailing the fate of his lady fair, his long-lost love in the sky up there. So painful was his grief to see, the varmints joined in out of sympathy. That's how come, to this very day, coyotes howl at the moon that way.
** Who: Roy Rogers
** Source: ''[[Melody Time]]'' (1948)

* Bravo, my friends! Our three heroes have finally made their dream come true. I think this calls for one more song!
** Who: Troubadour
** Source: ''[[Mickey, Donald, Goofy: The Three Musketeers]]'' (2004)

* Gee, thanks for letting us share our Christmas spirit with you. [laughs] Merry Christmas, everybody!
** Who: Mickey Mouse
** Source: ''[[w:Mickey's Magical Christmas: Snowed in the House of Mouse|Mickey's Magical Christmas: Snowed in at the House of Mouse]]'' (2001)

* Aw, phooey!
** Who: Donald Duck
** Source: ''[[Mickey's House of Villains]]'' (2002)

* So in the end, love is the reason that Christmas is more than a gift-giving season. It's a time with our loved ones to show that we care, When families and neighbors come together to share. So, this Christmas season, let us all do our parts To keep Christmas spirit alive in our hearts.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: '' ''[[Mickey's Once Upon a Christmas]]'' (1999)

* So, at last, Mickey learned what he'd missed from the start. Bells and holly mean little without friends in your heart. The magic of Christmas has its rhyme and its reason. We hope you and yours have a most joyous season.
** Who: Narrator
* Ho ho ho!
** Who: Santa Claus
** Source: '' ''[[Mickey's Twice Upon a Christmas]]'' (2004)

* Welcome home!
** Who: A villager
* (post-credits:) Didn't help me though, did it? Still upside down here. Just need a little push. Can we be real? If my name was Sebastian and I had a cool Jamacian accent, you'd totally help me. You would. You know you would.
** Who: Tamatoa 
** Source: ''[[Moana (2016 film)|Moana]]'' (2016)
** Note: He is last seen after the credits, where he is still trapped and struggling to get off his shell, but to no avail. He asks the audience for assistance, and sarcastically quips that if his name was &quot;Sebastian&quot; and he had a Jamaican accent, the audience would feel happy to help him out (the reference to the supporting character of the same name from Disney's [[w:The Little Mermaid (1989 film)|The Little Mermaid]]). It is unknown if he ever got back up or if he starved.

* Wait, wait, wait, wa-wa-wait?! You were dating Derek, too?! That two-timing jerk!
** Who: B.O.B.
* (mid-credits:) Time to wave the white flag and head for the bunker, boys. Let's check the situation in 500 years! Who wants to freeze my head?
** Who: President Hathaway
** Source: ''[[Monsters vs. Aliens]]'' (2009)

* Mushu!
** Who: Great Ancestor
** Source: ''[[Mulan (1998 film)|Mulan]]'' (1998)

* Does a hero dragon deserve anything less? Draw my bath! Warm my towels! Let the pampering begin!
** Who: Mushu
** Source: ''[[Mulan II]]'' (2004)

* Okay! That is the most awesome name ever!
** Who: Pinkie Pie
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: The Movie (2017 film)|My Little Pony: The Movie]]'' (2017)

* I can't think of anything better.
** Who: Madison
** Source: ''My Scene Goes Hollywood: The Movie'' (2005)

* And the moral of our story is...
** Who: Yakko Warner
** Source: ''Wakko's Wish'' (1999)

* What a delightful scoundrel.
** Who: Winston
** Source: ''[[Oliver &amp; Company]]'' (1988)

* Whoa-ho, yeah-ha!
** Who: Barley Lightfoot
** Source: ''[[Onward (film)|Onward]]'' (2020)

* Left foot, right foot... Ah, who needs feet when you got fins! Whoo-hoo!
** Who: Tanglefoot
** Source: ''[[Ooops! Noah Is Gone...]]'' (2015)

* Oh, well. Out with the old, in with the new, huh?
** Who: Frank Detorre
** Source: ''[[Osmosis Jones]]'' (2001)

* There's a secret between you and me, Baby.
** Who: Higgins
** Source: ''[[The Outback (2012 film)|The Outback]]'' (2012)

* Shoot!
** Who: RJ
** Source: ''[[Over the Hedge]]'' (2006)

* And Liberty!
** Who: Liberty
** Source: ''[[PAW Patrol: The Movie]]'' (2021)

* Wait, wait, wait!
** Who: Phineas Flynn
** Source: ''[[Phineas and Ferb the Movie: Across the 2nd Dimension]]'' (2011)

* Well, I'll be! Ho-ho-ho! My, my! Solid gold, too. Oh, I think it's swell.
** Who: Jiminy Cricket
** Source: ''[[Pinocchio (1940 film)|Pinocchio]]'' (1940)

* Godspeed, John.
** Who: Thomas
** Source: ''[[Pocahontas (1995 film)|Pocahontas]]'' (1995)

* At one time, most of my friends could hear the bell. But as years passed, it felt silent for all of them. Even Sarah found, one Christmas, that she could no longer hear its sweet sound. Though I've grown old, the bell still rings for me. As it does for all who truly believe.
** Who: Adult Hero Boy
** Source: ''[[The Polar Express]]'' (2004)

* Sure!
** Who: Evie and Tori
** Source: ''PollyWorld'' (2006)

* Sugar, spice, and everything nice. These were the ingredients chosen to create the perfect little girl. But, Professor Utonium accidentally added an extra ingredient to the concoction. Chemical X. Thus, Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup were born. Using their ultra-super powers, they've dedicated their lives to fighting crime, and the forces of evil. And so for the very first time the day is saved thanks to... the Powerpuff Girls! Hey, that's a good name for them! Powerpuff Girls! Yeah! I like that! Wonder if ''they will?'' I'll run it by them. Powerpuff Girls! Mmm-hmm.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Powerpuff Girls Movie]]'' (2002)

* Well, I waited this long.
** Who: Charlotte LaBouff
** Source: ''[[The Princess and the Frog]]'' (2009)

* Yeah!
** Who: Background character
* (mid-credits 1) And gullible. I forgot to mention gullible.
** Who: [[w:Lucy|Lucy]]
* (mid-credits 2) A round of root beer for our hero the Flying Ace.
** Who: [[w:Marcie|Marcie]]
** Source: ''[[The Peanuts Movie]]'' (2015)

* Well done, Ayden.
** Who: Merlin
** Source: ''[[Quest for Camelot]]'' (1998)

* (theatrical version:) Rango!
** Who: The Mariachi Owls
* (extended version:) My fellow comrades. There will be times when you doubt yourself. When you feel pummeled by the catalclysms of life, remember this moment. Remember me. Know that I will be there, watching you... sometimes at inappropriate moments. That's part of the deal. And remember, that within all of us resides the true Spirit of We- Woah! Let's take it from the top.
** Who: Rango
** Source: ''[[Rango (2011 film)|Rango]]'' (2011)

* Hey, believe me, that story gets better when I tell it, okay? Come on! Bring some food over here, we're starving!
** Who: Django
** Source: ''[[Ratatouille]]'' (2007)

* Ba, welcome to Kumandra.
** Who: Raya
** Source: ''[[Raya and the Last Dragon]]'' (2021)

* Oh we're not late. We'll never going to be late again.
** Who: Rigby
** Source: ''[[Regular Show: The Movie]]'' (2015)

* Aw, phooey! Phooey!
** Who: Robert Benchley
** Source: ''[[The Reluctant Dragon (1941 film)|The Reluctant Dragon]]'' (1941)

* My name is Jack Frost, and I'm a Guardian. How do I know that? Because the Moon told me so. So when the Moon tells you something... ''believe it''.
** Who: Jack Frost
** Source: ''[[Rise of the Guardians]]'' (2012)

* Chel, we're not on the horse!
** Who: Tulio
** Source: ''[[The Road to El Dorado]]'' (2000)

* Well, folks, that's the way it really happened.
** Who: [[w:Alan-a-Dale|Allan-a-Dale]]
** Source: ''[[Robin Hood (1973 film)|Robin Hood]]'' (1973)

* Wait a minute, wait a minute! I-I-I was on the list! Come on, don't you know who I am? Wait! Whoa!
** Who: Tim the Gate Guard
** Source: ''[[Robots (2005 film)|Robots]]'' (2005)

* Hey, Edmond!
** Who: Chanticleer
** Source: ''[[Rock-a-Doodle]]'' (1991)

* As long as we're together. I'm ready to get baked and do anything.
** Who: Brenda
** Source: ''[[Sausage Party]]'' (2016)

* Thank you, Max.
** Who: Duke
* (mid-credits:) I'm home, Leonard. Were you a good boy, Leonard?
** Who: Leonard's Owner
* (post-credits:) All right, party's over!
** Who: Pops
** Source: ''[[The Secret Life of Pets]]'' (2016)

* Bye bye, momma and dada.
** Who: Liam
* (mid-credits:) Snowball, I'm back!
** Who: Molly
* (post-credits:) Okay. Moment's over.
** Who: Rooster
** Source: ''[[The Secret Life of Pets 2]]'' (2019)

* Oh, no!
** Who: Martin
** Source: ''[[The Secret of NIMH]]'' (1982)

* You got served!
** Who: The Shrimp
* Did somebody say CRAZY?!
** Who: Crazy Joe
* What you doing? Go on, get outta here! Go home! It's past your bedtime!
** Who: Mrs. Sanchez
** Source: ''[[Shark Tale]]'' (2004)

* Thanks, boy. Steady. Whoo-hoo!
** Who: Homer Simpson
* (mid-credits:) Smithers, I don't believe in suicides, but if you like to try, it would cheer me up to watch.
** Who: Mr. Burns
* (mid-credits 2:) This is Tom Hanks saying if you see me in person, please leave me be.
** Who: ''[[w:Tom Hanks|Tom Hanks]]''
* (in-credits:) Sequel?
** Who: Maggie Simpson
* (post-credits:) Four years of film school for this?
** Who: Squeaky-Voiced Teen
** Source: ''[[The Simpsons Movie]]'' (2007)

* All creatures great and small, welcome to the New Moon Theater!
** Who: Buster Moon
** Source: ''[[Sing (2016 film)|Sing]]'' (2016)

* Blue!
** Who: Merryweather
** Source: ''[[Sleeping Beauty]]'' (1957)

* Pro: if you go down there you'll meet lots of people. Con: Uh, you're not really a people person. Ugh, this is torture!
** Who: Fleem 
* (mid-credits:) Okay in 3, 2... On the next episode of... Wait am I missing a tooth?
** Who: Percy Patterson
** Source: ''[[Smallfoot (film)|Smallfoot]]'' (2018) 

* Blue cheese!
** Who: Everyone 
* (in-credits:) Am I going mad, Azrael? For the last time, get them to shut off this music!
** Who: [[w:Gargamel|Gargamel]]
** Source: ''[[Smurfs: The Lost Village]]'' (2017)

* Goodbye!
** Who: [[w:Snow White (Disney character)|Snow White]]
** Source: ''[[Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs]]'' (1937)

* Look!
** Who: Kyle Broflovski
* (post-credits:) Guys out there is hurted.
** Who: Ike Broflovski
** Source: ''[[South Park: Bigger, Longer &amp; Uncut]]'' (1999)

* I think I can handle it.
** Who: Chihiro Ogino (Sen)
** Source: ''[[Spirited Away]]'' (2001)
** Note: This line (per above) was heard in the English dub. The original Japanese dub's final line is &quot;Chihiro, let's get to our new home.&quot;

* Miles! Miles! Do you have a minute?
** Who: Gwen Stacy / Spider-Gwen
* You haven't seen pointing until I'm finished with you!
* You're accusing me of pointing while you're...!
** Who 1: Peter Parker / 1967 Spider-Man
** Who 2: Miguel O'Hara / 2099 Spider-Man
** Source: ''[[Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse]]'' (2018)

* You think you could handle them? They're not exactly easy to get along with.
** Who: Steven
** Source: ''[[Steven Universe: The Movie]]'' (2019)

* You love it.
** Who: Tulip
** Source: ''[[Storks (film)|Storks]]'' (2016)

* We did it. We really did it! Woo-hoo! Come on, guys! Yeah!
** Who: Richard
** Source: ''[[A Stork’s Journey]]'' (2017)

* Well, uh.... that's something like television. Without commercials.
** Who: Merlin
** Source: ''[[The Sword in the Stone (film)|The Sword in the Stone]]'' (1963)

* Yes, we are.
** Who: [[w:Flynn Rider|Eugene Fitzherbert]]
** Source: ''[[Tangled]]'' (2010)

* Ooo-ooo-ee-ah-ooo.
** Who: Jane Porter
** Source: ''[[Tarzan (1999 film)|Tarzan]]'' (1999)

* Woof!
** Who: Spot Helperman
** Source: ''[[Teacher's Pet (2004 film)|Teacher's Pet]]'' (2004)

* Wait, wait, wait, wait, WAIT! KIDS, ASK YOUR PARENTS WHERE BABIES COME FROM!
** Who: 2013 Robin
* (mid-credits:) This is the ''[[Teen Titans (TV series)|Teen Titans]]''! Can anyone hear us? We think we found a way back!
** Who: 2003 Robin
* Challengers! I believe we may have missed the motion picture!
** Who: Unknown Challenger
** Source: ''[[Teen Titans Go! To the Movies]]'' (2018)

* Avengers! Assemble!
** Who: James Rogers
** Source: ''Next Avengers: Heroes of Tomorrow'' (2008)

* And of course, they lived happily ever after.
** Who: Jacquimo
** Source: ''[[Thumbelina (1994 film)|Thumbelina]]'' (1994)

* We live together, we train together, we fight together, we stand for good, together. We are Ninjas. We strike hard, defend, protect and fade into the night. And there ain't no bad guy or monster gonna ever change that: That's what's important. And that's why we'll always be brothers. Oh, I love bein' a turtle.
** Who: [[w:Raphael (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Raphael]]
** Source: ''[[TMNT (film)|TMNT]]'' (2007)

* Tom! Jerry! Welcome to your new home!
** Who: Robyn Starling
** Source: ''[[Tom and Jerry: The Movie]]'' (1992)

* Til All Are One!, Till All Are One!, Till All Are One!
** Who: The Autobots
** Source: ''[[The Transformers: The Movie]]'' (1986)

* Up high!
** Who: Cloud Guy
* (in-credits:) But wait, wait, wait.
** Who: Creek
** Source: ''[[Trolls (film)|Trolls]]'' (2016)
** Note: After Poppy and the other Trolls make peace with the Bergens, Creek, along with Chef is knocked out of the Bergen castle. Chef then betrays Creek by trying to eat him, but before this can happen, both are eaten alive by a hill monster.

* Glitter!
** Who: Queen Barb
* (in-credits:) But who gonna eat my cheese balls, babe?
** Who: King Gristle, Jr.
** Source: ''[[Trolls World Tour]]'' (2020)

* And it looks like the winner is...
** Who: Sports Announcer
** Source: ''[[Turbo (film)|Turbo]]'' (2013)

* We've all got an inner beast. We've all got a messy, loud, weird part of ourselves hidden away. And a lot of us never let it out. But I did. How about you?
** Who: Mei Lee
** Source: ''[[Turning Red]]'' (2022)

* She's gonna be so excited.
** Who: Father of Moxy's owner
** Source: ''[[Uglydolls]]'' (2019)

* Another blue one.
** Who: Russell
** Source: ''[[Up (2009 film)|Up]]'' (2009)

* Cheeeeeeeeeese!
** Who: Hutch the Rabbit
** Source: ''[[Wallace &amp; Gromit in The Curse of the Were-Rabbit|Wallace &amp; Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit]]'' (2005)

* This is called farming! You kids are gonna grow all kinds of plants! Vegetable plants, pizza plants! Oh, it's good to be home!
** Who: Captain B. McCrea
** Source: ''[[WALL-E]]'' (2008)

* Gotcha!
** Who: Alex
** Source: ''[[Walking with Dinosaurs (film)|Walking with Dinosaurs]]'' (2013)

* All the world will be your enemy, Prince of a Thousand enemies. And when they catch you, they will kill you. But first they must catch you; digger, listener, runner, Prince with the swift warning. Be cunning, and full of tricks, and your people will never be destroyed.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Watership Down (film)|Watership Down]]'' (1978)

* Alright, guys, let's eat! I'm gonna do syrup and honey.
** Who: Grizzly Bear
** Source: ''[[We Bare Bears: The Movie]]'' (2020)

* Nick!
** Who: Flash
* (in-credits:) Come on! Shake your tails with me, come on! Yeah!
** Who: Gazelle
** Source: ''[[Zootopia]]'' (2016)

=== ''101 Dalmatians'' film series ===

* I'm hungry, mother.
** Who: Roley
** Source: ''[[One Hundred and One Dalmatians]]''

* Say &quot;spots!&quot;
** Who: Photographer
** Source: ''[[101 Dalmatians II: Patch's London Adventure]]''

=== ''Alvin and the Chipmunks'' animated movies'' ===
* Alvin!
** Who: Dave Seville
** Source: ''[[The Chipmunk Adventure]]'' (1987)

* How does that song go again?
** Who: Dr. Frankenstein
** Source: ''Alvin and the Chipmunks Meet Frankenstein'' (1999)

* Us? Wild?
** Who: Alvin
** Source: ''Alvin and the Chipmunks Meet the Wolfman'' (2000)

=== ''[[The Angry Birds Movie]]'' film series ===

* Guys! No!
** Who: Red
* (mid-credits:) Whoa!
** Who: Jay, Jake, and Jim
** Source: ''[[The Angry Birds Movie]]'' (2016)

* Jinx! Jinx! Jinx!
** Who: Chuck and Silver
* (in-credits:) Bye-bye.
** Who: Zoe's sister
** Source: ''[[The Angry Birds Movie 2]]'' (2019)

=== ''[[Aladdin]]'' film series ===

* Made ya look.
** Who: Genie
* (post-credits, special edition only:) You have been a fabulous audience! Tell you what, you're the best audience in the whole world. Take care of yourselves! Good night, Alice! Good night, Agrabah! Adios, amigos!
** Who: Genie
** Source: ''[[Aladdin (1992 Disney film)|Aladdin]]'' (1992)

* Does this mean I don't get my third wish?
** Who: Abis Mal
** Source: ''[[The Return of Jafar]]'' (1994)

* Wait a minute. We're not gettin' outta here, man! We're not gettin' outta here! Don't ya understand it, man? This is it, game's over, man!
** Who: Genie
** Source: ''[[Aladdin and the King of Thieves]]'' (1996)

=== ''Bambi'' film series ===

* Well, I don't believe I've ever seen a more likely looking pair of fawns. Prince Bambi ought to be mighty proud.
** Who: Friend Owl
** Source: ''[[Bambi]]'' (1942)

* Actually, I was a lot like you.
** Who: The Great Prince of the Forest
** Source: ''[[Bambi II]]'' (2006)

=== ''Barbie'' film series ===

* I always knew you could.
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie in the Nutcracker'' (2001)

* When you do that, you'll never go wrong.
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie as Rapunzel'' (2002)

* Wouldn't miss it.
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie of Swan Lake'' (2003)

* And, of course, Wolfie and Serafina lived happily ever after. Along with their many, many, many kittens.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''Barbie as The Princess and the Pauper'' (2004)

* I can't believe it! I'm flying!
** Who: Elina
** Source: ''Barbie: Fairytopia'' (2005)

* I'm trying!
** Who: Blush
** Source: ''Barbie and the Magic of Pegasus'' (2005)

* Secret seaweed, huh? Oh, that is clever of you to remember that!
** Who: Dandilion
** Source: ''Barbie Fairytopia: Mermaidia'' (2006)

* Yes, Papa. I'm finally on time for something.
** Who: Genevieve
** Source: ''Barbie in the 12 Dancing Princesses'' (2006)

* Goodbye, Elina! I know you look forward to seeing me again!
** Who: Fabien
** Source: ''Barbie Fairytopia: Magic of the Rainbow'' (2007)

* (gasps) A princess!
** Who: Tika
** Source: ''Barbie as the Island Princess'' (2007)

* Bye-bye! Whee!
** Who: A Flutterpixie
** Source: ''Barbie: Mariposa'' (2008)

* Now, where were we?
* ''[singing]'' Oh-whoa-oh. Two voices, one song...
** Who: Barbie and Teresa
** Source: ''Barbie and the Diamond Castle'' (2008)

* I think that would be amazing, Kelly.
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie in A Christmas Carol'' (2008)

* Right now, I've got somewhere else to be!
** Who: Corrinne
** Source: ''Barbie and the Three Musketeers'' (2008)
 
* Oopsie! Guess old habits die hard...girlfriend!
** Who: Raquelle
** Source: ''Barbie: A Fairy Secret'' (2011)

* Come on. I wanna introduce you to everyone!
** Who: Blair Willows/Princess Sophia
** Source: ''Barbie: Princess Charm School'' (2011)

* Merry Christmas!
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie: A Perfect Christmas'' (2011)

* Meribella! Put your hands up for me! Come on!
** Who: Keira
** Source: ''Barbie: The Princess &amp; The Popstar'' (2012)

* Come on, let's go!
** Who: Kristyn Farraday
** Source: ''Barbie In The Pink Shoes'' (2013)

* OK! Now, who's got the boarding passes?
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie and her Sisters: In a Pony Tale'' (2013)

* What on earth?
** Who: Bookhurst
** Source: ''Barbie and the Secret Door'' (2014)

* One, two, three, four!
** Who: Erika Juno
** Source: ''Barbie in Rock 'n Royals'' (2015)

* And thanks to Barbie, who was the one after all, everyone lived happily ever after.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''Barbie: Star Light Adventure'' (2016)

* How about you show me those moves?
** Who: Lindsey
** Source: ''Barbie &amp; Her Sisters in A Puppy Chase'' (2016)

* Look!
** Who: Chelsea
** Source: ''Barbie Dolphin Magic'' (2017)

* She's right. Barbie, I can't hold back any longer. I think I... wanna dance with you.
** Who: Ken
** Source: ''Barbie Princess Adventure'' (2020)

* New York! Emmie here, coming at you live from Times Square to announce the winner of the Spotlight Solo! Put your hands together for my friends, Barbie Roberts and Barbie Roberts! Otherwise known as Malibu and Brooklyn, the winners of the Spotlight Solo!
** Who: Emmie
** Source: ''Barbie: Big City, Big Dreams'' (2021)

=== ''[[w:Beauty and the Beast (franchise)|Beauty and the Beast]]'' film series ===

* Do I still have to sleep in the cupboard?
** Who: Chip Potts
** Source: ''[[Beauty and the Beast (1991 film)|Beauty and the Beast]]'' (1991)

* I'd be delighted.
** Who: Fife
** Source: ''[[w:Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas|Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas]]'' (1997)

* And it begins, uh, Lumiere, with trust. Where, with mutual respect, as I have always said all relationships must be firmly based on that. One must build on a firm foundation of trust and respect in order to flourish and flow; nourish and grow. Always attentive to the needs of the other and honesty, utter honesty is the key on which...
** Who: Cogsworth
** Source: ''[[w:Belle's Magical World|Belle's Magical World]]'' (1998)

=== ''Bratz'' film series ===

* It was original, captivating, stylized, and told me so much about each one of you. You're all getting A+'s!
** Who: Mr. Del Rio
** Source: ''Bratz: Starrin' &amp; Stylin'' (2004)

* We’re the girls..
* With the passion for fashion!
* And...
* We...
* Rock!
** Who: Jade, Cloe, Yasmin and Sasha
** Source: ''Bratz Rock Angelz'' (2005)

* Please, call me Henry, all right?
** Who: Gordon Murph
** Source: ''Bratz Babyz: The Movie'' (2006)

* So, after all that work and practice, we discovered that we were really good at a lot of different things. But, what we're best at is being best friends. By helping Anna win the contest, we all ended up winners and we felt like stars!
** Who: Sasha
** Source: ''Bratz Girlz Really Rock'' (2008)

=== ''Care Bears'' film series ===

* Care for me, Mrs. Cherrywood. Just care for me.
** Who: Mr. Cherrywood
** Source: ''[[The Care Bears Movie]]'' (1985)

* Yes, sir! Everything was back to the way it was. But, as always, it was just a little bit different, a little bit better, and a little bit more special—thanks to the Care Bears, the Care Bear Cousins, and thanks to... ''(laughs)'' Well, you all know who you are. I thank my lucky Stars that there are people out there like you who really do care. You're not afraid to share your feelings—and that, my friends, makes you all world-class Care Bear Champs!
** Who: The Great Wishing Star
** Source: ''[[Care Bears Movie II: A New Generation]]'' (1986)

* Goodbye!
** Who: The Care Bears
** Source: ''Care Bears: Journey to Joke-a-lot'' (2004)

* Twinkers, did you hear? Too Loud Bear finally got your name right!
** Who: Wish Bear
** Source: ''The Care Bears' Big Wish Movie'' (2005)

* You bet!
** Who: Cheer Bear
** Source: ''Care Bears: Oopsy Does It!'' (2007)

* Oopsy.
** Who: Oopsy Bear
** Source: ''Care Bears: To the Rescue'' (2010)

*Let's get this Giving Festival started!
** Who: Princess Starglo
** Source: ''Care Bears: The Giving Festival'' (2010)

*Later, gators, I've got stars to make!
** Who: Princess Starglo
** Source: ''Care Bears: Share Bear Shines'' (2011)

=== ''[[w:Cars (franchise)|Cars]]'' film series ===

* Yeah! Ka-chow!
** Who: Lightning McQueen
* (in-credits) Wait a minute here. They're just using the [[w:John Ratzenberger|same actor]] over and over. [[w:Pixar|What kind of a cut-rate production is this?!]]
** Who: Mack
* (post-credits:) No! There's an on-ramp close! I know it! I can feel it! Ah-ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
** Who: [[w:List_of_Cars_characters#Van and Minny|Van]]
** Source: ''[[Cars (film)|Cars]]'' (2006)

* Not if I see you first!
** Who: [[w:Mater (Cars)|Tow Mater]]
** Source: ''[[Cars 2]]'' (2011)

* Go!
** Who: Luigi
* (post-credits:) Hey, McQueen! You still there? McQueen! Ugh. Technology.
** Who: [[w:Mater (Cars)|Tow Mater]]
** Source: ''[[Cars 3]]'' (2017)

* Ha-ha, you're on!
** Who: Skipper
** Source: ''[[Planes (film)]]'' (2013)

* Ladies and gentleplanes! Turn your attention to the skies for today's featured aerial presentation! The Propwash Junction Corn Fest is proud to present the Piston Peak Air Attack team, and our very own world champion racer and firefighter, Dusty Crophopper!
** Who: Chug
* (in-credits:) Welcome to Death Valley National Park. Is it hot? ''(laughs weezily)'' Yes, it is.
** Who: Cad Spinner
* (post-credits:) Yay!
** Who: Drip
** Source: ''[[Planes: Fire &amp; Rescue]]'' (2014)

=== ''[[w:Cinderella (franchise)|Cinderella]]'' film series ===

* But, you see, I have the other slipper.
** Who: [[w:Cinderella (Disney character)|Cinderella]]
** Source: ''[[Cinderella (1950 film)|Cinderella]]'' (1950)

* Once upon a time, there was a big castle... and in this castle lived a prince and a princess...
** Who: Cinderella
** Source: ''[[Cinderella II: Dreams Come True]]'' (2002)

* And they lived happily ever after... again.
** Who: Cinderella
** Source: ''[[Cinderella III: A Twist in Time]]'' (2007)

=== ''[[w:The Croods (franchise)|The Croods]]'' film series ===

* Duh-duh-duh!
** Who: Belt and Sandy Crood
** Source: ''[[The Croods]]'' (2013)

* Dad was right after all, we were stronger together.
** Who: Eep Crood
** Source: ''[[The Croods: A New Age]]'' (2020)

=== ''[[w:DC Universe Animated Original Movies|DC Universe Animated Original Movies]]'' ===

* In other news, Gotham's mysterious defender...the Batman, was seen last night helping police apprehend the leaders...of an underworld, gun-running operation...
** Who: Summer Gleason
** Source: ''[[Batman and Mr. Freeze: Subzero]]'' (1998)
* Hi, old man.
** Who: Tim Drake
** Source: ''[[Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker]]'' (2000)
* Well, maybe an explosion now and then.
** Who: Kathy Duquesne
** Source: ''[[Batman: Mystery of the Batwoman]]'' (2003)
* If history has determined that gods can die... ...it has also proven that they may return from the dead. It would seem you can't be destroyed after all, Superman. It would seem.
** Who: Lex Luthor
** Source: ''[[Superman: Doomsday]]'' (2007)
* The pioneers gave up their safety, their comfort, and sometimes their lives to build our new west. They were determined to make the new world strong and free - an example to the world. Some would say that those struggles are all over. That all the horizons have been explored. That all the battles have been won. That there is no longer an American frontier. And we stand today on the edge of a new frontier. The frontier of unknown opportunities and perils. Beyond that frontier are uncharted areas of science. Unsolved problems of peace and war. Unconquered pockets of ignorance and prejudice. I'm asking each of you to be pioneers towards that New Frontier. My call is to the young in heart, regardless of age. Can we carry through in an age where we will witness not only new breakthroughs in weapons of destruction, but also a race for mastery of the sky and the rain, the ocean and the tides, the far side of space, and the inside of men's minds? All mankind waits upon out decision. A whole world waits to see what we shall do. And we cannot fail that trust, and we cannot fail to try.
** Who: John F. Kennedy
** Source: ''[[Justice League: The New Frontier]]'' (2008)

* Sir?
** Who: Alfred Pennyworth
** Source: ''[[Batman: Gotham Knight]]'' (2008)

* Look! It's Wonder Woman!
** Who: Little girl
** Source: ''[[Wonder Woman (2009 film)|Wonder Woman]]'' (2009)

* I've gotta go punch a clock with my other boss. I can see where this is gonna be a long commute.
** Who: Hal Jordan
** Source: ''[[Green Lantern: First Flight]]'' (2009)

* &quot;Late&quot;? Come on, it's... ...early.
** Who: Superman
** Source: ''[[Superman/Batman: Public Enemies]]'' (2009)

* I'm glad you agree. I've been thinking about a membership drive.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths]]'' (2010)

* It feels awesome! Check me out! I'm Robin, the Boy wonder! Are you kidding me? This rocks. Come on, old man, we've got bad guys who need chasing. This is the best day of my life.
** Who: Young Jason Todd/Robin
** Source: ''[[Batman: Under the Red Hood]]'' (2010)

* Hey.
** Who: Superman
** Source: ''[[Superman/Batman: Apocalypse]]'' (2010)

* He's not dead. He's up there fixing the sun. And when he's done, he'll be back.
** Who: Lois Lane
** Source: ''[[All-Star Superman (film)|All-Star Superman]]'' (2011)

* We got a new home to build. Come on. I'll tell you about the time I took on an army of Manhunters and my only backup was this squirrel.
** Who: Hal Jordan
** Source: ''[[Green Lantern: Emerald Knights]]'' (2011)

* Barbara's not crazy about the marriage counselor, but we're making progress. As for me, well, there's a real panic on. Somebody has threatened to poison the Gotham reservoir. He calls himself the Joker. I've got a friend coming who might be able to help. He should be here any minute.
** Who: Lieutenant James Gordon
** Source: ''[[Batman: Year One (film)|Batman: Year One]]'' (2011)

* I do have a plan! It's called the Justice League.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[Justice League: Doom]]'' (2012)

* Can we go so I can kiss you now?
** Who: Lois Lane
** Source: ''[[Superman vs. The Elite]]'' (2012)

* Ba-Batman... Darling!
** Who: Joker
** Source: [[Batman: The Dark Knight Returns (film)|''Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, Part One'']] (2012)

* I spent 10 years looking for a good death. This... This'll be a good life. Good enough.
** Who: Bruce Wayne
** Source: [[Batman: The Dark Knight Returns (film)|''Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, Part Two'']] (2013)

* Marry me.
** Who: Clark Kent
** Source: ''[[Superman: Unbound]]'' (2013)

* You're one helluva messenger. Thank you.
** Who: Bruce Wayne
** Source: ''[[Justice League: The Flashpoint Paradox]]'' (2013)

* The surface dwellers have killed our king. This is an act of war and they will pay.
** Who: Prince Orm
** Source: ''[[Justice League: War]]'' (2014)

* No.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[Son of Batman]]'' (2014)

* Bang.
** Who: Deadshot
** Source: ''[[Batman: Assault on Arkham]]'' (2014)

* I am Lex Luthor. I have a proposition for you.
** Who: Lex Luthor
** Source: ''[[Justice League: Throne of Atlantis]]'' (2015)

* Sometimes, Alfred... ...you have to have a little faith.
** Who: Bruce Wayne
** Source: ''[[Batman vs. Robin]]'' (2015)

* Time to look ahead, Kirk. You know what they say. The past is like another planet.
** Who: Superman
** Source: ''[[Justice League: Gods and Monsters]]'' (2015)

* Master Bruce is having a heart-to-heart with Damian. One can't help feeling bad. Despite her madness, she was his mother.
** Who: Alfred Pennyworth
** Source: ''[[Batman: Bad Blood]]'' (2016)

* Raven, release me. You're too weak to keep me in here, you filthy witch! I'll get out! I'll kill everyone you love. RAVEN!!!
** Who: Trigon
** Source: ''[[Justice League vs. Teen Titans]]'' (2016)

* Yeah, Dad, I just got back from the lacrosse game. Going to practice some Wallball this weekend. Getting pretty good. Maybe another night, Dad, I got plans tonight. I can't help it if your daughter's so popular. I'll talk to you, later. Right then, back to work.
** Who: Barbara Gordon / Oracle
** Source: ''[[Batman: The Killing Joke (film)|Batman: The Killing Joke]]'' (2016)

* Now, that's what I call making yourself useful, love.
** Who: John Constantine
** Source: ''[[Justice League Dark (film)|Justice League Dark]]'' (2017)

* I talk to the dead. For no matter how rotted the corpse, there's always a tiny wisp of life left.
** Who: Brother Blood
** Source: ''[[Teen Titans: The Judas Contract]]'' (2017)

* Aw... Ain't that a shame? Wendel is headed back to his crummy house and all those cats without getting the help he so desperately needs. Oh, well, that's it for today's show. Till next time, folks. Be good to yourselves. 'Cause everyone else in the world is probably out to get you. Bye-bye!
** Who: Dr. Harleen Quinzel
** Source: ''[[Batman and Harley Quinn]]'' (2017)

* It was all phony anyway. We'll make something new. Something better.
** Who: Dickie
** Source: ''[[Batman: Gotham by Gaslight]]'' (2018)

* I'll be seeing you, Waller. Maybe in heaven.
** Who: Deadshot
** Source: ''[[Suicide Squad: Hell to Pay]]'' (2018)

* Superman?
** Who: Jimmy Olsen
** Source: ''[[The Death of Superman (film)|The Death of Superman]]'' (2018)

* Okay, who left the front door open?
** Who: Green Lantern
** Source: ''[[Reign of the Supermen (film)|Reign of the Supermen]]'' (2019)

* Jessica Cruz. It's an honor.
** Who: Brainiac 5
** Source: ''[[w:Justice League vs. the Fatal Five|Justice League vs. the Fatal Five]]'' (2019)

* Someday.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[w:Batman: Hush (film)|Batman: Hush]]'' (2019)

* You think I'm intimidated? I've won. I'm coming for you, Wonder Woman. Do you hear me, Wonder Woman? I am coming for you!
** Who: Veronica Cale
** Source: ''[[w:Wonder Woman: Bloodlines|Wonder Woman: Bloodlines]]'' (2019)

* I kind of like that last option.
** Who: Lois Lane
** Source: ''[[w:Superman: Red Son (film)|Superman: Red Son]]'' (2020)

* And some of those changes may be shite. And we may make the same mistakes again. It won't be perfect... but it'll be a long sight better than what we got now.
** Who: John Constantine
** Source: ''[[w:Justice League Dark: Apokolips War|Justice League Dark: Apokolips War]]'' (2020)

=== ''[[w:Despicable Me (franchise)|Despicable Me]]'' film series ===

* No, I'm fine. Go ahead. No, no, no!
** Who: Gru
* (post-credits:) I am Gru. Back to work! Back to work! Back to...
** Who: Kevin
** Source: ''[[Despicable Me]]'' (2010)

* I'm so happy!
** Who: Agnes Gru
** Source: ''[[Despicable Me 2]]'' (2013)

* Come on, He's my brother. We'll give him a 5 minute head start.
** Who: Felonious Gru
** Source: ''[[Despicable Me 3]]'' (2017)

* Freeze ray!
** Who: Felonious Gru
** Source: ''[[Minions (film)|Minions]]'' (2015)

=== ''[[w:Fantasia (franchise)|Fantasia]]'' film series ===

* The last number in our ''Fantasia'' program is a combination of two pieces of music so utterly different in construction and mood that they set each other off perfectly. The first is ''A Night On Bald Mountain'', by one of Russia's greatest composers, Modest Mussorgsky. The second is Franz Schubert's world-famous ''Ave Maria''. Musically and dramatically, we have here a picture of the struggle between the profane and the sacred. Bald Mountain, according to tradition, is the gathering place of Satan and his followers. Here on ''Walpurgisnacht'', which is the equivalent of our own Halloween, the creatures of evil gather to worship their master. Under his spell, they dance furiously until the coming of dawn and the sounds of church bells send the infernal army slinking back into their abodes of darkness. And then we hear the Ave Maria, with its message of the triumph of hope and life over the powers of despair and death.
** Who: [[w:Deems Taylor|Deems Taylor]]
** Source: ''[[Fantasia (1940 film)|Fantasia]]'' (1940)

* Camera back on me. Uh, camera back on me, please. Anyone? Hello? Hello? Could someone give me a ride home?
** Who: [[Steve Martin]]
** Source: ''[[Fantasia 2000]]'' (2000)

=== ''[[w:Finding Nemo (franchise)|Finding Nemo]]'' film series ===

* Bye, son.
** Who: Marlin
* (pre-credits:) Now what?
** Who: Bloat
** Source: ''[[Finding Nemo]]'' (2003)

* Yep. Unforgettable.
** Who: Dory
* (post-credits:) Now what?
** Who: Bloat
** Source: ''[[Finding Dory]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:Frozen (franchise)|Frozen]]'' film series ===

* That's it. Glide and pivot. Glide and pivot.
** Who: Olaf
** Source: ''[[Frozen (2013 film)|Frozen]]'' (2013)

* Ready?
** Who: Elsa
* (post-credits:) Oh. We live! We live! Good story.
** Who: Marshmallow 
** Source: ''[[Frozen II]]'' (2019)

=== ''[[w:Happy Feet (franchise)|Happy Feet]]'' film series ===

* Gracias.
** Who: Ramón
** Source: ''[[Happy Feet]]'' (2006)

* Ja, The Svened.
** Who: The Mighty Sven
** Source: ''[[Happy Feet Two]]'' (2011)

=== ''[[w:Hotel Transylvania (franchise)|Hotel Transylvania]]'' film series ===

* Alright, maybe just a little.
** Who: Dracula
* (in-credits) I didn't do that.
** Who: Elderly Gremlin
** Source: ''[[Hotel Transylvania|Hotel Transylvania]]'' (2012)

* I didn't do that.
** Who: Elderly Gremlin
** Source: ''[[Hotel Transylvania 2]]'' (2015)

* Yes!
** Who: Ericka van Helsing
** Source: ''[[Hotel Transylvania 3: Summer Vacation]]'' (2018)

=== ''[[w:Hoodwinked!|Hoodwinked!]]'' film series ===

* I always did like happy endings.
** Who: Red Puckett
** Source: ''[[Hoodwinked!]]'' (2005)

* Hey, girls. Let's call it a night.
** Who: Twitchy
** Source: ''[[Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil]]'' (2011)

=== ''[[w:How to Train Your Dragon|How to Train Your Dragon]]'' film series ===

* This is Berk. It snows nine months of the year and hails the other three. Any food that grows here is tough and tasteless. The people that grow here are even more so. The only upsides are the pets. While other places have ponies or parrots... we have... dragons!
** Who: Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III
** Source: ''[[How to Train Your Dragon (film)|How to Train Your Dragon]]'' (2010)

* This... is Berk. A bit trampled and busted and covered in ice, but it's home. It's our home. Those who attacked us are relentless and crazy. But those who stopped them? Oh, even more so! We may be small in numbers, but we stand for something bigger than anything the world can pit against us. We are the voice of peace. And bit by bit, we will change this world. You see, we have something they don't. Oh sure, they have armies and they have armadas... But we... we have... our dragons!
** Who: Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III
** Source: ''[[How to Train Your Dragon 2]]'' (2014)

* Legend says that when the ground quakes or lava spews from the earth, it's the dragons letting us know they're still here. Waiting for us to figure out how to get along. Yes, the world believes the dragons are gone, if they ever existed at all. But we Berkians, we know otherwise. And we'll guard this secret until the time comes when dragons can return in peace.
** Who: Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III
** Source: ''[[How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World]]'' (2019)

=== ''[[w:Ice Age (franchise)|Ice Age]]'' film series ===

* No, really...
** Who: [[w:List_of_Ice_Age_characters#Sid|Sid]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age (2002 film)|Ice Age]]'' (2002)

* Calm down! I saved you, little buddy! Remember!?
** Who: [[w:List_of_Ice_Age_characters#Sid|Sid]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: The Meltdown]]'' (2006)

* That's right, sweetheart. Welcome to the Ice Age.
** Who: [[w:List_of_Ice_Age_characters#Ellie|Ellie]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs]]'' (2009)

* No! Stop! Brother, rise above this base desire. Be more than a rodent.
** Who: Ariscratle
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: Continental Drift]]'' (2012)

* Mars: the red planet. Cold... dry... inhospitable to life. But billions and billions of years ago, Mars looked like this. There were lakes, rivers, oceans... the perfect conditions for life to form. So, what happened? Why was life unable to take hold? Where did the water go? We may never know.
** Who: [[w:List_of_Ice_Age_characters#Neil deBuck Weasel|Neil deBuck Weasel]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: Collision Course]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:The Incredibles (franchise)|The Incredibles]]'' film series ===

* Behold, the Underminer! I am always beneath you, but nothing is beneath me! I hereby declare war on peace and happiness! Soon, all will tremble before me!
** Who: The Underminer
** Source: ''[[The Incredibles]]'' (2004)

* Stop! Let us out! Here, large popcorn, small soda. Save me a seat. Center, about eight rows back. I'll be back before the previews are over!
** Who: [[w:Violet Parr|Violet Parr]]
** Source: ''[[Incredibles 2]]'' (2018)

=== ''[[Kim Possible]]'' film series ===

* No idea why I said that!
** Who: Ron Stoppable
** Source: ''[[Kim Possible: A Sitch in Time]]'' (2003)

* It finally happened! She's dating that loser! Kim Possible and Ron Stoppable are dating!? ''(Laughs loudly)''
** Who: Bonnie Rockwaller
** Source: ''[[Kim Possible Movie: So the Drama]]'' (2005)

=== ''[[w:Kung Fu Panda (franchise)|Kung Fu Panda]]'' film series ===

* Yeah.
** Who: [[w:List_of_Kung_Fu_Panda_characters#Master Shifu|Master Shifu]]
** Source: ''[[Kung Fu Panda]]'' (2008)

* My son is alive...
** Who: [[w:List_of_Kung_Fu_Panda_characters#Li Shan|Li Shan]]
** Source: ''[[Kung Fu Panda 2]]'' (2011)

* Panda Asthma.
** Who: [[w:List_of_Kung_Fu_Panda_characters#Li Shan|Li Shan]]
** Source: ''[[Kung Fu Panda 3]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:Lady and the Tramp|Lady and the Tramp]]'' film series ===

* Huh? I haven't? Well, uh, as Old Reliable used to say... He'd say, uh, uh... He'd say, uh, uh... Doggone. You know, I clean forgot what it was he used to say!
** Who: Trusty
** Source: ''[[Lady and the Tramp]]'' (1955)

* Angel!
** Who: Junior
** Source: ''[[Lady and the Tramp II: Scamp's Adventure]]'' (2001)

=== ''[[w:The Land Before Time (franchise)|The Land Before Time]]'' film series ===

* And they all grew up together in the valley, generation upon generation, each passing on to the next. The tale of their ancestors' journey to the valley, long ago.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time]]'' (1988)

* But I still can't wait to grow up.
** Who: Littlefoot
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time II: The Great Valley Adventure]]'' (1994)

* And so, as it turned out, the dinosaurs traveled from green spot to green spot, eating their fill, each helping the others to find what they needed, each learning the special kind of joy, which comes from giving to others. And in the years to come, this story of sharing was told over and over again, until it became known as: &quot;The Time of the Great Giving.&quot;
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time III: The Time of the Great Giving]]'' (1995)

* And so, it came to pass that the migrating dinosaurs left the Great Valley for lands unknown. And yes, Littlefoot and his friends, Cera, Ducky, Petrie and Spike, would indeed meet Ali again one day. But that's another story.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time IV: Journey Through the Mists]]'' (1996)

* It's great to be home.
** Who: Cera
** ''[[The Land Before Time V: The Mysterious Island]]'' (1997)

* And so, another myth was born. It would change with each retelling. And even now, who knows how this one will end.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time VI: The Secret of Saurus Rock]]'' (1998)

* Oh, no! Oh, no! But we are plenty smart, right, Spike?
* Uh-huh.
** Who 1: Ducky
** Who 2: Spike
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time VII: The Stone of Cold Fire]]'' (1999)

* The families would be happy here until the Great Circle began to warm the land once more, melting the white ground sparkles and allowing new life to spring up, turning the earth green again. Then they could return to the Great Valley, where they could all get a good night's sleep, even Ducky.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time VIII: The Big Freeze]]'' (2001)

* This adventure was at an end. Still, Littlefoot, Cera, Ducky, Petrie and Spike knew in their hearts that there would be many more adventures yet to come.
** Who: Narrator
** Source:''[[The Land Before Time IX: Journey to Big Water]]'' (2002)

* I just have one question. Do we HAVE to go back through the swamp?
** Who: Ducky
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time X: The Great Longneck Migration]]'' (2003)

* And every nibbling day, the dinosaurs of the Great Valley gathered to celebrate these small things of life which mattered so much.
* Got you!
** Who 1: Narrator
** Who 2: Petrie
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time XI: Invasion of the Tinysauruses]]'' (2005)

* Many changes had occurred on this day of changes. And many more would follow. The dinosaur families understood this. They knew that change was a part of life in the Great Valley.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time XII: The Great Day of the Flyers]]'' (2006)

* In their journey to Berry Valley, the young dinosaurs had discovered that wisdom came in many different forms. And they knew that more lessons lay before them as they grew in the land before time.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time XIII: The Wisdom of Friends]]'' (2007)

* Littlefoot had found his father. And he found something else, too... Something he wasn't looking for. The realization that he and his friends would always be together... till the end of their days... in the Land Before Time.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time XIV: Journey of the Brave]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:The Lego Movie (franchise)|The Lego Movie]]'' film series ===

* Oh, man.
** Who: Emmet Brickowski
** Source: ''[[The Lego Movie]]'' (2014)

* Wow, that was fun! Really hope nobody was recording that. Let me see. Oh, this thing is on. This thing is recording.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[The Lego Batman Movie]]'' (2017)

* B mark.
** Who: Director
** Source: ''[[The Lego Ninjago Movie]]'' (2017)

* An original album of ''Everything is Awesome''?! Wait a minute. Is that...? 
** Who: Emmet Brickowski
** Source: ''[[The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part]]'' (2019)

=== ''[[w:Lilo &amp; Stitch (franchise) (franchise)|Lilo &amp; Stitch]]'' film series ===

* Wait.
** Who: Stitch
** Source: ''[[Lilo &amp; Stitch]]'' (2002)

* And with 626, they make one hotshot evil genius experiment-catching team!
** Who: Jumba Jookiba
* (post-credits:) I'll get the wig.
** Who: Wendy Pleakley
** Source: ''[[Stitch! The Movie]]'' (2003)

* Mom would be so proud of you.
** Who: Nani Pelekai
** Source: ''[[Lilo &amp; Stitch 2: Stitch Has a Glitch]]'' (2005)

* Aloha!
** Who: The Pelekai ''ʻohana'': Lilo Pelekai, Stitch, Nani Pelekai, David Kawena, Jumba Jookiba, Wendy Pleakley, Mertle Edmonds, and many of Jumba's genetic experiments (Stitch's &quot;cousins&quot;)
** Source: ''[[Leroy &amp; Stitch]]'' (2006)

=== ''[[w:The Lion King (franchise)|The Lion King]]'' film series ===

* Remember...
** Who: Mufasa's Ghost
** Source: ''[[The Lion King]]'' (1994)

* Well done, my son. We are one.
** Who: Mufasa's Ghost
** Source: ''[[The Lion King II: Simba's Pride]]'' (1998)

* Uh, Timon? I still don't do so well in crowds.
** Who: Pumbaa
** Source: ''[[The Lion King 1½]]'' (2004)

=== ''[[w:The Little Mermaid (franchise)|The Little Mermaid]]'' film series ===

* I love you, daddy.
** Who: Ariel
** Source: ''[[The Little Mermaid (1989 film)|The Little Mermaid]]'' (1989)

* Hi.
** Who: Melody
** Source: ''[[The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea]]'' (2000)

* That's my girl. Samba? Ooh-wa, ooh-wa! 
** Who: Benjamin
** Source: ''[[The Little Mermaid: Ariel's Beginning]]'' (2008)

=== ''[[w:Madagascar (franchise)|Madagascar]]'' film series ===

* Nah. Just smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave.
** Who: Skipper
** Source: ''[[Madagascar (2005 film)|Madagascar]]'' (2005)

* Shake 'em. Shake 'em. Shake 'em. Shake 'em...
** Who: King Julian XII
** Source: ''[[Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa]]'' (2008)

* Hey, Skipper, what did you end up doing with the crazy lady, anyway?
** Who: Alex
** Source: ''[[Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted]]'' (2012)

* You know, if I'm being honest, I expected a little more... pizzazz! Yes! Now, that's pizzazz!
** Who: King Julian XII
** Source: ''[[Penguins of Madagascar]]'' (2014)

=== ''[[w:Monsters, Inc. (franchise)|Monsters, Inc.]]'' film series ===

* Kitty!
** Who: Boo
** Source: ''[[Monsters, Inc.]]'' (2001)

* You better believe it.
** Who: Mike Wazowski
* (post-credits:) Great.
** Who: Student Slug Monster
** Source: ''[[Monsters University]]'' (2013)

=== ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls'' film series ===

* Just a hunch.
** Who: Pinkie Pie
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Equestria Girls]]'' (2013)

* One! Two! Three! Four!
** Who: Human Pinkie Pie
* (post-credits:) No doubt about it, Spike, there's definitely something strange going on at that school.
** Who: Human Twilight Sparkle (Sci-Twi)
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Rainbow Rocks]]'' (2014)

* Make that the ''second'' strangest.
** Who: Princess Twilight Sparkle
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Friendship Games]]'' (2015)

* Where did the magic that hit this cave come from?
** Who: Sunset Shimmer
* (post-credits:) Let's celebrate!
** Who: Human Pinkie Pie
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Legend of Everfree]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:The Nut Job|The Nut Job]]'' film series ===

* Any more big ideas? Please stay.
** Who: Norvirus Raccoon
** Source: ''[[The Nut Job]]'' (2014)
** Note: A mid-credits scene reveals that Raccoon and Cardinal survived and were drifted out to sea, but sharks now surround them, leaving their fate ambiguous.

* Ride, Precious! Ride! Hiyah!
** Who: Surly
** Source: ''[[The Nut Job 2: Nutty by Nature]]'' (2017)

=== ''[[w:Open Season (franchise)|Open Season]]'' film series ===

* Wait, wait. No. No. No!
** Who: Shaw
** Source: ''[[Open Season]]'' (2006)

* Come on!
** Who: Elliot
** Source: ''[[Open Season 2]]'' (2009)

* Boop!
** Who: Allistar
** Source: ''[[Open Season 3]]'' (2011)

* No.
** Who: Boog
** Source: ''[[Open Season: Scared Silly]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:The Rescuers|The Rescuers]]'' film series ===

* I sure wish we'd have taken the train.
** Who: Bernard
** Source: ''[[The Rescuers]]'' (1977)

* Help! Anybody! Bernard! Bianca! Where are you? Okay, that's it, I'm out of here. This is ridiculous. You can't leave me here alone. I'm gone! I am gone. Oh. Aw, no, stay in those eggs! That's a direct order! Oh. Hey, you're kind of a cute little feller. Coochy, coochy... Yeowww! Whoa! Ohhh!
** Who: Wilbur
** Source: ''[[The Rescuers Down Under]]'' (1990)

=== ''[[w:Rio (franchise)|Rio]]'' film series ===

* That's my big brave boy.
** Who: Linda Gunderson
* (in-credits:) I love you, Rio!
** Who: Luiz
** Source: ''[[Rio (film)|Rio]]'' (2011)

* That's the end?
** Who: Pedro
** Source: ''[[Rio 2]]'' (2014)

=== ''Rugrats'' film series ===

* Way to go, Dilly!
** Who: Tommy Pickles, Chuckie Finster, Phil and Lil Deville
** Source: ''[[The Rugrats Movie]]'' (1998)

* Well, Tommy. I guess this is the way things are gonna be from now on.
** Who: Chuckie Finster
** Source: ''[[Rugrats in Paris: The Movie]]'' (2000)

* Well, Eliza, as dog is my witness, I'll never lose my babies again!
** Who: Spike the Dog
** Source: ''[[Rugrats Go Wild]]'' (2003)

=== ''[[w:Shrek (franchise)|Shrek]]'' film series ===

* Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe.
** Who: [[w:Donkey (Shrek)|Donkey]]
** Source: ''[[Shrek]]'' (2001)

* Hey Donkey, that's Spanish!
** Who: [[w:Puss in Boots (Shrek)|Puss in Boots]]
* (mid-credits:) Look at our little mutant babies! I gotta get a job!
** Who: [[w:Donkey (Shrek)|Donkey]]
** Source: ''[[Shrek 2]]'' (2004)

* I got it.
** Who: [[w:Shrek (character)|Shrek]]
** Source: ''[[Shrek the Third]]'' (2007)

* No, it was ''you'' that rescued ''me.''
** Who: [[w:Shrek (character)|Shrek]]
** Source: ''[[Shrek Forever After]]'' (2010)

* This is the story of a cat who became a hero. An outlaw dedicated to justice and a lover of beautiful woman. A great, great lover. Really, it is crazy. I am Puss in Boots! And my name would become legend.
** Who: [[w:Puss in Boots (Shrek)|Puss in Boots]]
* (in-credits:) Oh!
** Who: Oh Cat
** Source: ''[[Puss in Boots (2011 film)|Puss in Boots]]'' (2011)

=== ''[[w:SpongeBob SquarePants (film series)|SpongeBob SquarePants]]'' film series ===

* Are you crazy? I was just gonna tell you that your fly is down. Manager! This is the greatest day of my life!!!
** Who: SpongeBob SquarePants
* (post credits:) Okay.
** Who: Captain Bart the Pirate
** Source: ''[[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie]]'' (2004)

* See you later, te-ammate!
** Who: [[w:SpongeBob SquarePants (character)|SpongeBob SquarePants]]
* That was pretty good actually.
** Who: Bubbles
* (in-credits:) You know what this needs? A little interpretive dance!
** Who: [[w:Squidward Tentacles|Squidward Tentacles]]
** Source: ''[[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water]]'' (2015)

* Order up!
** Who: [[w:SpongeBob SquarePants (character)|SpongeBob SquarePants]]
** Source: ''[[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge on the Run]]'' (2020)

=== ''[[w:Surf's Up (film)|Surf's Up]]'' film series ===

* Cody would never do this.
** Who: Edna Maverick
** Source: ''[[Surf's Up]]'' (2007)

* Okay, That's a wrap on this episode of &quot;Are they still cool? Surf Edition&quot;. Aaaand cut.
** Who: Announcer
** Source: ''[[Surf's Up 2: WaveMania]]'' (2017)

=== ''[[w:Toy Story (franchise)|Toy Story]]'' film series ===

* Oh, what is it? What is it? Wow! A puppy!
** Who: Andy Davis
** Source: ''[[Toy Story]]'' (1995)

* Besides, when it all ends, I'll have old Buzz Lightyear to keep me company - for infinity and beyond.
** Who: Woody
* Yeah!
** Who: Wheezy
* (outtakes:) A little break, okay. Phew.
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''[[Toy Story 2]]'' (1999)

* So long, partner. Oh hey, Buzz! You haven't met Bonnie's toys yet! 
** Who: Woody
* (in-credits:) Just go with it, Buzz.
** Who: Jessie
** Source: ''[[Toy Story 3]]'' (2010)

* He's not lost. Not anymore. To infinity...
* ...and beyond.
** Who 1: Buzz Lightyear
** Who 2: Woody
* (mid-credits 1:) Oh yeah. Leave it to us, Jermiah.
** Who: Ducky
* (mid-credits 2:) Yeah. We know exactly what to do.
** Who: Bunny
* (mid-credits 3:) Whoa.
** Who: Duke Caboom
* (mid-credits 4:) I don't know.
** Who: Forky
* (post-credits:) Caboom! Yes.
** Who: Duke Caboom
** Source: ''[[Toy Story 4]]'' (2019)

* To infinity...
* ...and beyond.
** Who 1: Izzy Hawthorne
** Who 2: Buzz Lightyear
* (mid-credits:) [laughs] Laser Shield.
**Who: Commander Burnside
*(post-credits:) Ask the bromite swamps, a breathtaking sight or so I am told, but if you're in a hurry, this would be your most direct route. Any questions? Hello? Oh...
**Who: E.R.I.C.
** Source: ''[[Lightyear (film)|Lightyear]]'' (2022)

=== ''[[Winnie the Pooh]]'' film series ===

* Wherever they go, and whatever happens to them on the way, in their enchanted place on top of the forest, a little bear will always be waiting.
** Who: The narrator
** Source: ''[[The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh]]'' (1977)

* Yes, Piglet. It's the least we could do... for a very small Piglet who's done such very big things. Thank you, Piglet.
** Who: Pooh
** Source: ''[[Piglet's Big Movie]]'' (2003)

* And so it is here we shall leave them. And here we shall find them again. For the boy and the bear will always be together in this remarkable place called the Hundred Acre Wood.
** Who: The narrator
** Source: ''[[Pooh's Grand Adventure: The Search for Christopher Robin]]'' (1997)

* You know, we never really did capture a Heffalump that day. It was more like... like Lumpy captured all of us.
** Who: Pooh
** Source: ''[[Pooh's Heffalump Movie]]'' (2005)

* You were right! I love Hallowoon! Hallow-woo... Hallow... Oh, whatever. As long as we're together!
** Who: Lumpy
** Source: ''[[Pooh's Heffalump Halloween Movie]]'' (2006)

* Look this way, everybody. Closer. Smile!
** Who: Christopher Robin
** Source: ''[[The Tigger Movie]]'' (2000)

* Silly old bear.
** Who: Christopher Robin
* (post-credits:) Wow! It's amazing what you can find in the woods. A marble! And a boot! And oh, my, that's a scary-lookin' fella. Gosh! Maybe these are his things. You know, I better pick 'em up so they won't get broken. That's the last thing I would want. Whoa!  Oh, my gosh! Is this a pit? I think I'm in a pit! Hello? Anybody up there? Oh, well. I sure hope that fella will be back soon.
** Who: The Backson
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh (film)|Winnie the Pooh]]'' (2011)
** Note: He comes out of the scary woods and proves to be real but instead of being a monstrous beast, he is actually very kind and the bait Pooh and the other left for him he decided to pick them up to return to them but falls into the pit as planned. He decides to wait for someone to help him out and hopes he'll be back soon.

* And so another Christmas came and went in the Hundred Acre Wood. It had been a joyous season of giving for all our friends, but especially for a little bear named Winnie the Pooh.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh: Seasons of Giving]]'' (1999)

* Not bad! But it could've used a few more jingly bells.
** Who: Tigger
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh: A Very Merry Pooh Year]]'' (2002)

* BBFN: Bye-Bye For Now!
** Who: Roo
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh: Springtime With Roo]]'' (2004)

=== ''[[Winx Club]]'' film series ===

* And thus, the fairy that was searching for her origins learned to believe in herself, and to trust the people she loved. She stayed true to herself, and to what she believed in, and won her greatest battle, saving her kingdom, freeing her people, and reuniting her family, and finally becoming a true guardian fairy. And now written in the Book of Fate, there's a new Company of Light... the Winx!
** Who: Bartelby (Dubbing Brothers)
* And so, the most strong-willed of all fairies overcame the greatest challenge. She learned to believe in herself and trust the people she loved. She stayed true to what was in her heart and in doing so she saved a kingdom, freed her people, and reunited her long-lost family. And finally, she became a true Guardian Fairy. And now written in the Book of Fate, there's a new Company of Light, called... the Winx!
** Who: Bartelby (Atlas Oceanic)
* (pre-credits:) And soon we'll loop their stupid little fairy wings right off their bodies!
** Who: Icy (Dubbing Brothers)
* (pre-credits:) And soon we reap their weak little fairy wings right of their bodies!
** Who: Icy (Atlas Oceanic)
** Source: ''[[Winx Club: The Secret of the Lost Kingdom]]'' (2007)

* Daddy...
** Who: Bloom
* (post-credits:) Ta-da!!!
** Who: Stella
** Source: ''[[Winx Club 3D: Magical Adventure]]'' (2010)

* Kiko... Thank you! I'm really dying for an ice cream!
** Who: Sky
** Source: ''[[Winx Club: The Mystery of the Abyss]]'' (2014)

=== ''[[w:Wreck-It Ralph (franchise)|Wreck-It Ralph]]'' film series ===

* But I gotta say, the best part of my day is when I get thrown off the roof. Because when the Nicelanders lift me up, I get a perfect view of Sugar Rush, and I can see Vanellope racing. The kid's a natural, the players love her, glitch and all, just like I knew they would. Turns out I don't need a medal to tell me I'm a good guy. Because if that little kid likes me... how bad can I be?
** Who: [[w:Wreck-it Ralph (character)|Wreck-it Ralph]]
** Source: ''[[Wreck-It Ralph]]'' (2012)

* Come on Felix, let's get to work, buddy.
* (mid-credits:) No, the kitty gets the milkshake. The bunny gets the pancake.
* (post-credits:) Oh no, why would I?! I like you! You guys still sticking around? Alright well, you're welcome to stay, there's not really anymore surprises but you know. Good luck getting that song out of your head it's a real ear wig. Anyway what else uh...
** Who: [[w:Wreck-it Ralph (character)|Wreck-it Ralph]]
** Source: ''[[Ralph Breaks the Internet]]'' (2018)

== Streaming service films ==

=== Disney+ films ===

* Hey! Movie's over! Go home!
** Who: Terry
** Source: ''[[Soul (2020 film)|Soul]]'' (2020)

=== Netflix films ===

* Well, rickety biscuit.
** Who: Edmée
** Source: ''[[Arlo the Alligator Boy]]'' (2021)

* Yay! I missed you so much!
** Who: GIR
** Source: ''[[Invader Zim: Enter the Florpus]]'' (2019)

* No!
** Who: Bobby Santiago
* (in-credits:) Just the right amount of cinnamon.
** Who: Lincoln Loud
** Source: ''[[The Loud House Movie]]'' (2021)

* Whew! Hey, guys. What did I miss? ''Aaaaaahhhhh''--
** Who: Balloon Pony
* (post-credits:) Me first!
** Who: Kid Earth Pony 1
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: A New Generation]]'' (2021)

* Woo-hoo...OOF!
** Who: Hilda
** Source: ''[[Hilda and The Mountain King]]'' (2021)

* Two thousand one boogers on the wall, two thousand and one boogers... Pick one out and flick it off, two thousand and two boogers on the wall. Two thousand and two boogers on the wall, two thousand and two boogers...
** Who: Mr. Dupette
** Source: ''[[Rocko's Modern Life: Static Cling]]'' (2019)

=== Paramount+ films ===

* We just had another call asking to speak with Victor Chouce. You're quite a popular man, Victor. I wonder what all the fuss is about. Don't feel like talking, huh? You will.
** Who: Warden
** Source: ''[[South Park: Post Covid]]'' (2021)

* Remember folks, weed can't solve all your problems but tegridy can. Tegridy Weeeed.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[South Park: Post Covid: The Return of Covid]]'' (2021)

* Yeah, well, you see, ManBearPig, eventually, he gonna kill everybody. He just gonna kill you first.
** Who: Pi-Pi
** Source: ''[[South Park: The Streaming Wars]]'' (2022)

* Yeah, but that all sounds really hard. We have enough water for the summer now. Fuck it. Let's smoke some weed!
** Who: Randy Marsh
** Source: ''[[South Park: The Streaming Wars Part 2]]'' (2022)

== Animated TV specials ==

* D.W., turn that thing off!
** Who: Arthur Read
** Source: ''Arthur's Perfect Christmas'' (2000)
* Well, you kids will never believe this, but I could almost swear I saw a cat – a Cat in the Hat, mind you – going down the street with a moss-covered three-handled family gradunza!
** Who: Mother
** Source: ''[[The Cat in the Hat (TV special)|The Cat in the Hat]]'' (1971)
* C'mon, sis. Let's go talk to Mom and Dad.
** Who: Michael
** Source: ''[[Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue]]'' (1990)

* There is a story, some kids tell about when the world was ruled by an evil adult. A story about a boy, his dad, a book, and a tree. It's the true story about how I found the book of KND and what I wrote in it. Five words only. WE. ARE. KIDS. NEXT. DOOR.
** Who: Nigel Uno (Numbuh One)
** Source: ''[[Codename: Kids Next Door - Operation Z.E.R.O.]]'' (2006)

* It's taken me so many years, so many lifetimes, but at last I know where I'm going. Where I've always been going. Home, the long way round.
** Who: The [[Eleventh Doctor]]
** Source: ''[[Eleventh Doctor|Doctor Who: The Day of the Doctor]]'' (2013)

* Mr. Phillip has wished, and so I shall use my power. With a wave of my hands, I shall say, &quot;au revoir, Eiffel Tower!&quot;
** Who: Adil
** Source: ''[[Genie in the House|Genie in the House: Legend of the Dragon]]'' (2010)

* Oh, I love it, Philip, I love it too bits!
** Who: Max Baxter
** Source: ''[[Genie in the House|Genie in the House: Return to Balamkadaar]]'' (2008)

* We'll be waiting right here.
** Who: Stella Shortman
** Source: ''[[Hey Arnold!: The Jungle Movie]]'' (2017)

* Welcome, Christmas, bring your cheer. Cheer to all Whos far and near. Christmas Day is in our grasp, so as long as we have hands to clap, Christmas Day will always be just as long as we have. Welcome, Christmas. While we stand... Heart to heart... and hand to hand.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[w: How the Grinch stole Christmas|Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas]]'' (1966)

* Merry Christmas!
** Who: [[w:Santa Claus|Santa Claus]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: A Mammoth Christmas]]'' (2011)

* The ship is terrible! Not seaworthy! Bunny overboard!
** Who: [[w:List_of_Ice_Age_characters#Squint|Squint]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: The Great Egg-Scapade]]'' (2016)
** Note: Squint trying to sail away in a basket as a ship but unfortunately it sinks.

* Merry Christmas and happy Julianuary, everybody!
** Who: Mort
** Source: ''[[Merry Madagascar]]'' (2009)

* Two, three four!
** Who: River
** Source: ''My Scene: Jammin' in Jamaica'' (2004)

* To sharing secrets with the best friends anyone could ever have!
** Who: Chelsea
** Source: ''My Scene: Masquerade Madness'' (2004)

* What? It's none of your business!
** Who: Beth
** Source: ''Polly Pocket: Lunar Eclipse'' (2003)

* Still, it was mad fun!
** Who: Pia Pocket
** Source: ''Polly Pocket: 2 Cool at the Pocket Plaza'' (2005)

* Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho!
** Who: [[w:Santa Claus|Santa Claus]]
** Source: ''[[Stick Man]]'' (2015)

* Okay, next time, we're going to Mexico. OW!
** Who: Beast Boy
** Source: ''[[Teen Titans: Trouble in Tokyo]]'' (2006)

* Above all, do not lament my absence, for in my spark, I know that this is not the end, but merely a new beginning. Simply put, another transformation.
** Who: Optimus Prime
** Source: ''[[Transformers: Prime|Transformers: Prime - Predacons Rising]]'' (2013)

* First one inside gets to give him mouth to mouth!
** Who: Lee
* (post-credits:) It's the end of the movie? What movie?
** Who: Jonny 2X4
** Source: ''[[Ed, Edd n Eddy's Big Picture Show]]'' (2009)

* That night, the stars seemed to shine down on the forest with a special warm glow. Schaeffer wondered if he could have dreamt it all. Surely a star had fallen and spread magic in its path? And one special wish had come true, just now. And then Schaeffer stopped wondering, because he suddenly knew that if Broo had made it to the Evergreen Forest, then he would soon see Sophia and the Raccoons too.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Raccoons and the Lost Star]]'' (1983)

=== ''[[Futurama]]'' ===

* Well, we're boned.
** Who: Bender
** Source: ''[[Futurama: Bender's Big Score]]'' (2007)

* Because Bender knows love. And love doesn't share itself with the world. Love is suspicious, love is needy, love is fearful, love is greedy. My friends, there is no great love without great jealousy. I love you, meatbags.
** Who: Bender
** Source: ''[[Futurama: The Beast with a Billion Backs]]'' (2008)

* Faster! Faster! Slower!
** Who: Professor Farnsworth
** Source: ''[[Futurama: Bender's Game]]'' (2008)

* Go! Go!
** Who: Fry and Leela
** Source: ''[[Futurama: Into the Wild Green Yonder]]'' (2009)

=== ''[[The Jimmy Timmy Power Hour Specials]]'' ===

* GET OUT OF MY LAB!
** Who: Jimmy Neutron
** Source: ''Jimmy Timmy Power Hour'' (2004)

* Boys, boys! Please! This fighting over me has got to stop!
** Who: Cindy Vortex
** Source: ''Jimmy Timmy Power Hour 2: When Nerds Collide'' (2006)

* Okay, give him his brain back, boys.
** Who: Cindy Vortex
** Source: ''Jimmy Timmy Power Hour 3: The Jerkinators'' (2006)

=== ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls'' specials ===

* Me too!
** Who: Sour Sweet
** Source: ''Dance Magic'' (2017)

* Uh, sorry.
** Who: Human Rainbow Dash
** Source: ''Movie Magic'' (2017)

* Right.
** Who: Starlight Glimmer
** Source: ''Mirror Magic'' (2017)

* Oh, come on! Seriously?!
** Who: Human Rainbow Dash
** Source: ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Forgotten Friendship'' (2018)

* If you’re up for it.
** Who: Human Rarity
** Source: ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Rollercoaster of Friendship'' (2018)

* We’re baaaack!
** Who: Sunset Shimmer
** Source: ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Spring Breakdown'' (2019)

* Yeah, I guess it would’ve been!
** Who: Human Pinkie Pie
** Source: ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Sunset's Backstage Pass'' (2020)

=== ''[[Miraculous Ladybug]]'' ===

* Hmm.
** Who: Monk
** Source: ''[[Miraculous World: New York – United Heroez]]'' (2020)

* Coming to China, I found so much more than I'd ever hoped for: an amazing uncle, a new friend, and a new Mandarin teacher.
** Who: Marinette Dupain-Cheng
** Source: ''[[Miraculous World: Shanghai – The Legend of Ladydragon]]'' (2020)

=== ''Peanuts'' ===

* Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown!
** Who: Everyone
** Source: ''[[A Charlie Brown Christmas]]'' (1965)

* My grandmother lives in a condominium.
** Who: Charlie Brown
** Source: ''[[A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving]] (1973)

* To read Crime and Punishment by Dostoevsky. Happy New Year, Charlie Brown.
** Who: [[w:Linus van Pelt|Linus van Pelt]]
** Source: ''[[Happy New Year, Charlie Brown]]'' (1986)

* Ah...the Easter Beagle...
** Who: Lucy van Pelt
** Source: ''[[It's the Easter Beagle, Charlie Brown]]'' (1974)

* STUPID? What do you mean &quot;stupid&quot;?! Just wait till next year, Charlie Brown! You'll see! Next year at this same time, I'll find a pumpkin patch that is *real* sincere and I'll sit in that pumpkin patch until the Great Pumpkin appears. He'll rise out of that pumpkin patch and he'll fly through the air with his bag of toys. The Great Pumpkin will appear and I'll be waiting for him! I'll be there! I'll be sitting there in that pumpkin patch... and I'll see the Great Pumpkin. Just wait and see, Charlie Brown. I'll see that Great Pumpkin. I'll SEE the Great Pumpkin! Just you wait, Charlie Brown. The Great Pumpkin will appear, and I'll be waiting for him...!
** Who: Linus van Pelt
** Source: ''[[It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown]]'' (1966)

* Grandma?
** Who: Linus van Pelt
** Source: ''Happiness is a Warm Blanket, Charlie Brown'' (2011)

* Charlie Brown, get your stupid dog to stop playing this music!
** Who: Lucy van Pelt
** Source: ''[[It's the Pied Piper, Charlie Brown]]'' (2000)

=== ''Rankin/Bass'' ===

* Merry Christmas! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
** Who: Santa Claus
** Source: ''[[Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (TV special)|Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer]]'' (1964)

* Aaron's heart was filled with joy and love. And he knew at last that the hate he had carried there was wrong. As ALL hatred will ever be wrong. For more powerful, more beautiful by far than all the eons of sadness and cruelty and desolation which had come before, was that one tiny, crystalline second of laughter. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.
** Who: Our Storyteller
** Source: ''[[The Little Drummer Boy (film)|The Little Drummer Boy]]'' (1968)

* I'll be back on Christmas Day!
** Who: Frosty
** Source: ''[[Frosty the Snowman (TV special)|Frosty the Snowman]]'' (1969)

* Merry Christmas!
** Who: Children
** Source: ''[[Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town (film)|Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town]]'' (1970)

* Happy Easter Day!
** Who: Everyone
** Source: ''[[Here Comes Peter Cottontail]]'' (1971)

* Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!
** Who: Santa Claus
** Source: ''[['Twas the Night Before Christmas (1974 TV special)|'Twas the Night Before Christmas]]'' (1974)

* I dreamed unhappy things!
** Who: Santa Claus
** Source: ''[[The Year Without a Santa Claus]]'' (1974)

* And frosty, too!
** Who: Frosty and Crystal
** Source: ''[[Frosty's Winter Wonderland]]'' (1976)

* And may it be shiny, too!
** Who: Rudolph
** Source: ''[[Rudolph's Shiny New Year]]'' (1976)

* Okay!
** Who: Rudolph
** Source: ''[[Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July]]'' (1979)

* And so, the folks of Beansborough got their winter carnival after all. A tradition was saved. Summer Wheeze was permanently canned, and Mr. Twitchell decided to make sleds instead of trouble. He should have known he was no match for Mother Nature, or a little girl like Holly. Next stop: Winnipeg. Nice town, plenty of parking space, and lots of cocoa.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Frosty Returns]]'' (1992)

=== ''Marvel Rising'' franchise ===

=== ''Thomas and Friends'' specials ===

* Emily was delighted. That night, the engines talked about steamies, diesels, and airplanes, and they all agreed that Tidmouth sheds was the best place to be.
** Who: The narrator
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Calling All Engines]]'' (2005)

* But we're ALL leaders of the track!
* And he couldn't have been happier!
** Who 1: Thomas
** Who 2: The narrator
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|The Great Discovery]]'' (2008)

* I know, Thomas. Thank you.
** Who: Hiro
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Hero of the Rails]]'' (2008)

* And everyone giggled and jiggled.
** Who: The narrator
* (post-credits:) You'll be laughing on the other side of your boilers soon, silly steamies! ''(evil laugh)'' Yes...
** Who: Diesel 10
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Misty Island Rescue]]'' (2010)
** Note: The latter aforementioned line leads into the events of ''Day of the Diesels''. 

* And the two best friends giggled and jiggled with joy.
** Who: The narrator
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Day of the Diesels]]'' (2011)

* And no engine whistled louder than Thomas and Luke!
** Who: The narrator
* (in-credits:) It's me!
** Who: Rheneas
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Blue Mountain Mystery]]'' (2012)

* Knights in Shining Armor, on your mark, get set, go!
** Who: Sir Robert Norramby
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|King of the Railway]]'' (2013)

* Percy was sad to say goodbye to his new friend, but he was happy that he had his old friends beside him.
** Who: The narrator
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Tale of the Brave]]'' (2014)

* But I'm not Mr. Coffee Pot, my name is Glynn.
** Who: Glynn
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|The Adventure Begins]]'' (2015)

* One, two, threeeeeeeee!!!
** Who: Scuba divers' captain
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Sodor's Legend of the Lost Treasure]]'' (2015)

* Good idea! You ''are'' clever. Sometimes.
** Who: Ashima
* (in-credits:) OVER HERE! I'M FULL OF SURPRISES...!
** Who: Diesel
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|The Great Race]]'' (2016)

* What did I miss?
** Who: Henry
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Journey Beyond Sodor]]'' (2017)

* Thomas?
** Who: Ace
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Big World! Big Adventures!]]'' (2018)

=== ''Winnie the Pooh'' specials ===

* No worry! Take your time! Yum, yum!
** Who: Winnie the Pooh
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh and the Honey Tree]]'' (1966)

* And Piglet, too!
** Who: Piglet
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh and the Blustery Day]]'' (1968)

* Come on, everybody! Bounce!
** Who: Rabbit
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh and Tigger Too]]'' (1974)

* Of course you are. Silly old bear.
** Who: Christopher Robin
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh and a Day for Eeyore]]'' (1983)

* And so it was the most thankful day of Thanksgiving, for of all the things we've had or ever liked, the grandest thing we shall ever have is one another... or so it was said, by a bear named Winnie the Pooh.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''A Winnie the Pooh Thanksgiving'' (1998)

* And so as winter changes into spring, which changes into summer, there are things which go on forever unchanging, such as the way a certain boy cares for a certain bear. And we will know for as long as we care to remember, that somewhere in that enchanted place, on top of the forest... a boy and his bear... will always be playing.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''Winnie the Pooh: A Valentine for You'' (1999)

=== ''Winx Club'' specials ===

* I AM A FAIRY!!!
** Who: Bloom
** Source: ''Winx Club: The Fate of Bloom'' (2011)

* The Trix took the Dragon Flame!
** Who: Bloom
** Source: ''Winx Club: Revenge of the Trix'' (2011)

* I don't know, but I guess we'll find out... together.
** Who: Sky
** Source: ''Winx Club: The Battle for Magix'' (2011)

* Get over here!
** Who: Bloom
** Source: ''Winx Club: The Shadow Phoenix'' (2011)

[[Category:Last lines|Animated films]]</text>
      <sha1>2m3ooo3x5jo2z4dt8h3xt7g555wcwun</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153865</id>
      <parentid>3153864</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-12T10:20:19Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:1700:F770:7B40:F8D1:1FBC:401F:5ED1</ip>
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      <comment>/* SpongeBob SquarePants film series */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="85935" xml:space="preserve">== Animated films ==

* I'm not sure, exactly. But this world is ours now. It's what we make of it.
** Who: 9
** Source: ''[[9 (2009 animated film)|9]]'' (2009)

* Stop attacking me! Why do you always have to attack me now?! Sit, stay, sit!
** Who: King Llort
** Source: ''[[A Troll in Central Park]]'' (1994)

* No laughing. I’m serious.
** Who: Nai Nai
** Source: ''[[Abominable (2019 film)|Abominable]]'' (2019)

* Man, I'm getting out of here.
** Who: [[w:Bing Crosby|Bing Crosby]]
** Source: ''[[The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad]]'' (1949)

* Bye-bye!
** Who: Rocky
** Source: ''[[The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle]]'' (2000)

* He'll be back.
** Who: Charlie B. Barkin
** Source: ''[[All Dogs Go to Heaven]]'' (1989)

* Hey, guys! I worked a little magic.
** Who: David
** Source: ''[[All Dogs Go to Heaven 2]]'' (1996)

* Buh-bye!
** Who: Fievel and Tanya Mousekewitz
** Source: ''[[An American Tail]]'' (1986)

* I think one day you'll find... that you're the hero you've been lookin'for.
** Who: Wylie
** Source: ''[[An American Tail: Fievel Goes West]]'' (1991)

* Huh? Wow!
** Who: Fievel Mousekewitz
** Source: ''[[An American Tail: The Treasure of Manhattan Island]]'' (1998)

* Sweet dreams, my little Fievel. Sweet dreams.
** Who: Mama Mousekewitz
** Source: ''[[An American Tail: The Mystery of the Night Monster]]'' (1999)

* So long, everybody.
** Who: Bartok
** Source: ''[[Anastasia (1997 film)|Anastasia]]'' (1997)

* To the animals, it now seemed that their world, which may or may not some day become a happy place to live in, was worse than ever for ordinary creatures, and another moment had come when they must do something about it...
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Animal Farm (1954 film)|Animal Farm]]'' (1954)

* There you have it. Your average 'boy-meets-girl, boy-likes-girl, boy-changes-underlying-social-order' story. So, what else can I tell you? We rebuilt the colony - it's even better than before, you know, 'cause now it has a very large indoor swimming pool. Bala and I, incidentally, are thinking of starting a family. You know, just a few kids, maybe a million or two to begin with. And I'm, I'm workin' with a new therapist, you know, terrific, absolutely terrific. He's, he's been putting me in touch with my inner maggot, which is helping me a great deal. And, you know, I finally feel like I've found my place. And you know what? It's right back where I started. But the difference is, this time I chose it.
** Who: Z
** Source: ''[[Antz]]'' (1998)

* Wait a minute. I'm the leader. I'll say when it's the end. It's the end.
** Who: Napoleon
** Source: ''[[The Aristocats]]'' (1970)

* So long, folks.
** Who: Bartok
** Source: ''[[Bartok the Magnificent]]'' (1999)

* I am.
** Who: Andrea Beaumont
** Source: ''[[Batman: Mask of the Phantasm]]'' (1993)

* Tool.
** Who: Butt-head
** Source: ''[[Beavis and Butt-head Do America]]'' (1996)

* Between you and me, I was dying to get out of that office.
** Who: Barry Benson
* (post-credits:) I had virtually no rehearsal for that.
** Who: Barry Benson
** Source: ''[[Bee Movie]]'' (2007)

* We didn't set out to be superheroes... But sometimes, life doesn't go the way you planned. The good thing is, my brother wanted to help a lot of people, and that's what we're gonna do. Who are we?
** Who: Hiro Hamada
* (post-credits:) We have a lot to talk about.
** Who: Fred's Dad
** Source: ''[[Big Hero 6]]'' (2014) 

* Nope. I've never seen him before in my life.
** Who: A pigeon
** Source: ''[[Bolt (2008 film)|Bolt]]'' (2008)

* Yep.
** Who: Doli
** Source: ''[[The Black Cauldron (film)|The Black Cauldron]]'' (1985)

* Bye!
** Who: Steve and Blue
** Source: ''[[Blue's Big Musical Movie]]'' (2000)

* Yay! They're staying! Let's do this....
** Who: Scoop
** Source: ''[[Bob The Builder: Mega Machines The Movie]]'' (2017)

* Hi there, baby sister.
** Who: Timothy's daughter
* (mid-credits:) Okay.
** Who: Mrs. Templeton
* (post-credits:) Wake up, little halflings. It's time to leave. Go and live your peasant lives. BE GONE WITH YOU!
** Who: Wizzie
** Source: ''[[The Boss Baby]]'' (2017)

* There are those who say fate is something beyond our command. That destiny is not our own, but I know better. Our fate lives within us. You only have to be brave enough to see it.
** Who: Merida
* (post-credits:) Delivery! Sign here, sign here! Come on, birdbrain! Haven't got all day!
** Who: The Crow
** Source: ''[[Brave (2012 film)|Brave]]'' (2012)

* My brother Kenai went on to live with Koda and the other bears. He taught me that love is very powerful. And I passed on the wisdom of his story to our people. The story of a boy who became a man...by becoming a bear.
** Who: Old Denahi
* (post-credits) Cut, cut. Ooh.
** Who: Koda
** Source: ''[[Brother Bear]]'' (2003)

* Present stalks! Harvester, salute!
** Who: Thorny
* (in-credits:) Spinning a web of safety in less in 15... Ow!
** Who: P.T.
** Source: ''[[A Bug's Life]]'' (1998)

* TRA-LA-LAAAAAAAA!!!
** Who: Captain Underpants/Mr. Krupp
* (in-credits:) NO!
** Who: Secretary
** Source: ''[[Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie]]'' (2017)

* Get a picture, boys. These kids will be making history!
** Who: L.B. Mammoth
* Hmph!
** Who: Darla Dimple
** Source: ''[[Cats Don't Dance]]'' (1997)

* Wilbur never forgot Charlotte. Although he loved her children and grandchildren dearly, none of the new spiders ever quite took her place in his heart. She was in a class by herself. It's not often that someone comes along who's a true friend and a good writer. Charlotte was both.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Charlotte's Web (1973 film)|Charlotte's Web]]'' (1973)

*Oh, Ace!
**Who: Movie Abby
**Source: ''[[Chicken Little (2005 film)|Chicken Little]]'' (2005)

* Hang on. Let's go over this again?
** Who: Fetcher
* (in-credits:) I don't know.
** Who: Nick
** Source: ''[[Chicken Run]]'' (2000)

* Coco!
** Who: Héctor
** Source: ''[[Coco (2017 film)|Coco]]'' (2017)

* Well, so long, glamor boy!
** Who: Jim Crow
** Source: ''[[Dumbo]]'' (1941)

* I'm so proud of you guys.
** Who: Kronk
** Source: ''[[The Emperor's New Groove]]'' (2000)

* Oh, how cute.
** Who: Yzma
** Source: ''[[Kronk's New Groove]]'' (2005)

* To kindness and love, the things we need most!
** Who: [[w:The Grinch|The Grinch]]
** Source: ''[[The Grinch (film)|Dr. Seuss' The Grinch]]'' (2018)

* Well, come on, Baggy buddy! Let's get back to where we belong. And get with the beat!
** Who: Baloo
** Source: ''[[The Jungle Book (1967 film)|The Jungle Book]]'' (1967)

* Yeah, man!
** Who: Baloo
** Source: ''[[The Jungle Book 2]]'' (2003)

* And so, all ended well for both Horton and Whos. And for all in the jungle, even Kangaroos. So let that be a lesson to one and to all. A person's a person. No matter how small.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Horton Hears a Who! (film)|Dr. Seuss' Horton Hears a Who!]]'' (2008)

* You done good, Beanpole. You done good. By the way, nice mustache.
** Who: [[w:The Lorax|The Lorax]]
** Source: ''[[The Lorax (film)|Dr. Seuss' The Lorax]]'' (2012)

* Somebody! Stop those pants!
** Who: Scrooge McDuck
** Source: ''[[DuckTales|DuckTales the Movie: Treasure of the Lost Lamp]]'' (1990)

* Aw, shit cunt!
** Who: Spanky Ham
** Source: ''[[The Drawn Together Movie: The Movie!]]'' (2010)

* Go fish.
** Who: Smiler
** Source: ''[[The Emoji Movie]]'' (2017)

* Everyone together...
* La Familia Madrigal!
** Who: Abuela Alma Madrigal
** Who 2: The Madrigals
** Source: ''[[Encanto (film)|Encanto]]'' (2021)

* Mmm... that was a good toast.
** Who: Ash
** Source: ''[[Fantastic Mr. Fox (film)|Fantastic Mr. Fox]]'' (2009)

* Yeah, forever.
** Who: Copper
** Source: ''[[The Fox and the Hound]]'' (1981)

* Yeah. Well, good night, Willie. Don't slam the roof. You might wake Mr. Bergen.
** Who: Mortimer
** Source: ''[[Fun and Fancy Free]]'' (1947)

* Enchante, Madamoiselle!
** Who: Goofy
** Source: ''[[A Goofy Movie]]'' (1995)

* You know, somehow I knew you would. Ah-yuck!
** Who: Goofy
** Source: ''[[An Extremely Goofy Movie]]'' (2000)

* Arlo!
** Who: Momma Ida
** Source: ''[[The Good Dinosaur]]'' (2015)

* From that time on, Basil and I were a close team, and over the years we had many cases together. But I shall always look back on that first with the most fondness: My introduction to Basil of Baker Street: ''The Great Mouse Detective.''
** Who: Dawson
** Source: ''[[The Great Mouse Detective]]'' (1986)

* Yeah, things are looking up around here now.
** Who: Pokey
** Source: ''[[Gumby: The Movie]]'' (1995)

* That's Phil's boy!
** Who: The Strong Man
* (post-credits:) What d'ya say? It's happy ending time! Everybody's got a little taste of something, but me! I got nothin'! I'm, I'm here with nothin'! Anybody listenin'? It's like I'm... What am I, an echo or something? Hello? Hello? Am I talking to, what, hyperspace? Hello, it's me! Nobody listens.
** Who: Hades
** Source: ''[[Hercules (1997 film)|Hercules]]'' (1997)

* Show's over, Eugene.
** Who: Gerald Johanssen
** Source: ''[[Hey Arnold!: The Movie]]'' (2002)

* Everybody smile.
** Who: Lucy Tucci
** Source: ''[[Home (2015 film)|Home]]'' (2015) 

* Don't you ever migrate?
** Who: Laverne
* (post-credits:) Good night, everybody! Whoo-hoo-hoo!
** Who: Hugo
** Source: ''[[The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1996 film)|The Hunchback of Notre Dame]]'' (1996)

* And I love Quasimodo!!
** Who: Madellaine
** Source: ''[[The Hunchback of Notre Dame II]]'' (2002)

* We've been through a lot lately, that's for sure. But we still love our girl. She has great new friends, a great new house. Things couldn't be better. After all, Riley's twelve now. What could happen?
** Who: Joy
* (in-credits:) No! Not this again!
** Who: Bus Driver's Emotions
** Source: ''[[Inside Out (2015 film)|Inside Out]]'' (2015)

* See you later.
** Who: Hogarth Hughes
** Source: ''[[The Iron Giant]]'' (1999)

* I take it back.
** Who: Jane
** Source: ''[[Is It College Yet?]]'' (2002)

* Oh!
** Who: Helen
** Source: ''[[Is It Fall Yet?]]'' (2000)

* And that is exactly what you had just seen.
** Who: Old Man
** Source: ''[[James and the Giant Peach]]'' (1996)

* Ah, the fucking autopilot's broke!
** Who: Jay
** Source: ''[[Jay &amp; Silent Bob's Super Groovy Cartoon Movie]]'' (2013)

* Onward, Mr Wiggles. We reach the cafeteria by dawn. Waaaaah!
** Who: Ms. Winifred Fowl
** Source: ''[[Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius (film)|Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius]]'' (2001)

* Listen to them, Soren. They want more stories. Well, come on, you lot. Let's not disappoint them. Ah. There's a good storm brewing. And if we're lucky, I'll be chock full of baggywrinkles.
** Who: Ezylryb
** Source: ''[[Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole]]'' (2010)

* Never too big. You will always be my Little Bear.
** Who: Mother Bear
** Source: ''[[The Little Bear Movie]]'' (2001)

* That does it, Charlie Brown! He is your dog, and you're welcome to him.
** Who: Lucy Van Pelt
** Source: ''[[Snoopy, Come Home]]'' (1972)

* Let's go, bulls!
** Who: [[w:Bill Murray|Bill Murray]]
* (post-credits:) Can l go home now?
** Who: [[w:Michael Jordan|Michael Jordan]]
** Source: ''[[Space Jam]]'' (1996)

* Th-th-th-that's all, folks!
** Who: [[w:Porky Pig|Porky Pig]]
** Source: ''[[Space Jam: A New Legacy]]'' (2021)

* Nice work. See you tomorrow!
** Who: Director
* Go home, folks.
** Who: [[w:Porky Pig|Porky Pig]]
** Source: ''[[Looney Tunes: Back in Action]]'' (2003)

* WILMA!
** Who: [[w:Fred Flintstone|Fred Flintstone]]
** Source: ''[[The Man Called Flintstone]]'' (1966)

* In the state of Texas, USA, life still goes on in the same old way. The Pecos River still flows on, but the greatest cowboy on earth is gone. Yeah, Bill went back to the coyotes, but he never forgot Sue. Every night when the moon was high, he'd lift his voice in a mournful cry, bewailing the fate of his lady fair, his long-lost love in the sky up there. So painful was his grief to see, the varmints joined in out of sympathy. That's how come, to this very day, coyotes howl at the moon that way.
** Who: Roy Rogers
** Source: ''[[Melody Time]]'' (1948)

* Bravo, my friends! Our three heroes have finally made their dream come true. I think this calls for one more song!
** Who: Troubadour
** Source: ''[[Mickey, Donald, Goofy: The Three Musketeers]]'' (2004)

* Gee, thanks for letting us share our Christmas spirit with you. [laughs] Merry Christmas, everybody!
** Who: Mickey Mouse
** Source: ''[[w:Mickey's Magical Christmas: Snowed in the House of Mouse|Mickey's Magical Christmas: Snowed in at the House of Mouse]]'' (2001)

* Aw, phooey!
** Who: Donald Duck
** Source: ''[[Mickey's House of Villains]]'' (2002)

* So in the end, love is the reason that Christmas is more than a gift-giving season. It's a time with our loved ones to show that we care, When families and neighbors come together to share. So, this Christmas season, let us all do our parts To keep Christmas spirit alive in our hearts.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: '' ''[[Mickey's Once Upon a Christmas]]'' (1999)

* So, at last, Mickey learned what he'd missed from the start. Bells and holly mean little without friends in your heart. The magic of Christmas has its rhyme and its reason. We hope you and yours have a most joyous season.
** Who: Narrator
* Ho ho ho!
** Who: Santa Claus
** Source: '' ''[[Mickey's Twice Upon a Christmas]]'' (2004)

* Welcome home!
** Who: A villager
* (post-credits:) Didn't help me though, did it? Still upside down here. Just need a little push. Can we be real? If my name was Sebastian and I had a cool Jamacian accent, you'd totally help me. You would. You know you would.
** Who: Tamatoa 
** Source: ''[[Moana (2016 film)|Moana]]'' (2016)
** Note: He is last seen after the credits, where he is still trapped and struggling to get off his shell, but to no avail. He asks the audience for assistance, and sarcastically quips that if his name was &quot;Sebastian&quot; and he had a Jamaican accent, the audience would feel happy to help him out (the reference to the supporting character of the same name from Disney's [[w:The Little Mermaid (1989 film)|The Little Mermaid]]). It is unknown if he ever got back up or if he starved.

* Wait, wait, wait, wa-wa-wait?! You were dating Derek, too?! That two-timing jerk!
** Who: B.O.B.
* (mid-credits:) Time to wave the white flag and head for the bunker, boys. Let's check the situation in 500 years! Who wants to freeze my head?
** Who: President Hathaway
** Source: ''[[Monsters vs. Aliens]]'' (2009)

* Mushu!
** Who: Great Ancestor
** Source: ''[[Mulan (1998 film)|Mulan]]'' (1998)

* Does a hero dragon deserve anything less? Draw my bath! Warm my towels! Let the pampering begin!
** Who: Mushu
** Source: ''[[Mulan II]]'' (2004)

* Okay! That is the most awesome name ever!
** Who: Pinkie Pie
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: The Movie (2017 film)|My Little Pony: The Movie]]'' (2017)

* I can't think of anything better.
** Who: Madison
** Source: ''My Scene Goes Hollywood: The Movie'' (2005)

* And the moral of our story is...
** Who: Yakko Warner
** Source: ''Wakko's Wish'' (1999)

* What a delightful scoundrel.
** Who: Winston
** Source: ''[[Oliver &amp; Company]]'' (1988)

* Whoa-ho, yeah-ha!
** Who: Barley Lightfoot
** Source: ''[[Onward (film)|Onward]]'' (2020)

* Left foot, right foot... Ah, who needs feet when you got fins! Whoo-hoo!
** Who: Tanglefoot
** Source: ''[[Ooops! Noah Is Gone...]]'' (2015)

* Oh, well. Out with the old, in with the new, huh?
** Who: Frank Detorre
** Source: ''[[Osmosis Jones]]'' (2001)

* There's a secret between you and me, Baby.
** Who: Higgins
** Source: ''[[The Outback (2012 film)|The Outback]]'' (2012)

* Shoot!
** Who: RJ
** Source: ''[[Over the Hedge]]'' (2006)

* And Liberty!
** Who: Liberty
** Source: ''[[PAW Patrol: The Movie]]'' (2021)

* Wait, wait, wait!
** Who: Phineas Flynn
** Source: ''[[Phineas and Ferb the Movie: Across the 2nd Dimension]]'' (2011)

* Well, I'll be! Ho-ho-ho! My, my! Solid gold, too. Oh, I think it's swell.
** Who: Jiminy Cricket
** Source: ''[[Pinocchio (1940 film)|Pinocchio]]'' (1940)

* Godspeed, John.
** Who: Thomas
** Source: ''[[Pocahontas (1995 film)|Pocahontas]]'' (1995)

* At one time, most of my friends could hear the bell. But as years passed, it felt silent for all of them. Even Sarah found, one Christmas, that she could no longer hear its sweet sound. Though I've grown old, the bell still rings for me. As it does for all who truly believe.
** Who: Adult Hero Boy
** Source: ''[[The Polar Express]]'' (2004)

* Sure!
** Who: Evie and Tori
** Source: ''PollyWorld'' (2006)

* Sugar, spice, and everything nice. These were the ingredients chosen to create the perfect little girl. But, Professor Utonium accidentally added an extra ingredient to the concoction. Chemical X. Thus, Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup were born. Using their ultra-super powers, they've dedicated their lives to fighting crime, and the forces of evil. And so for the very first time the day is saved thanks to... the Powerpuff Girls! Hey, that's a good name for them! Powerpuff Girls! Yeah! I like that! Wonder if ''they will?'' I'll run it by them. Powerpuff Girls! Mmm-hmm.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Powerpuff Girls Movie]]'' (2002)

* Well, I waited this long.
** Who: Charlotte LaBouff
** Source: ''[[The Princess and the Frog]]'' (2009)

* Yeah!
** Who: Background character
* (mid-credits 1) And gullible. I forgot to mention gullible.
** Who: [[w:Lucy|Lucy]]
* (mid-credits 2) A round of root beer for our hero the Flying Ace.
** Who: [[w:Marcie|Marcie]]
** Source: ''[[The Peanuts Movie]]'' (2015)

* Well done, Ayden.
** Who: Merlin
** Source: ''[[Quest for Camelot]]'' (1998)

* (theatrical version:) Rango!
** Who: The Mariachi Owls
* (extended version:) My fellow comrades. There will be times when you doubt yourself. When you feel pummeled by the catalclysms of life, remember this moment. Remember me. Know that I will be there, watching you... sometimes at inappropriate moments. That's part of the deal. And remember, that within all of us resides the true Spirit of We- Woah! Let's take it from the top.
** Who: Rango
** Source: ''[[Rango (2011 film)|Rango]]'' (2011)

* Hey, believe me, that story gets better when I tell it, okay? Come on! Bring some food over here, we're starving!
** Who: Django
** Source: ''[[Ratatouille]]'' (2007)

* Ba, welcome to Kumandra.
** Who: Raya
** Source: ''[[Raya and the Last Dragon]]'' (2021)

* Oh we're not late. We'll never going to be late again.
** Who: Rigby
** Source: ''[[Regular Show: The Movie]]'' (2015)

* Aw, phooey! Phooey!
** Who: Robert Benchley
** Source: ''[[The Reluctant Dragon (1941 film)|The Reluctant Dragon]]'' (1941)

* My name is Jack Frost, and I'm a Guardian. How do I know that? Because the Moon told me so. So when the Moon tells you something... ''believe it''.
** Who: Jack Frost
** Source: ''[[Rise of the Guardians]]'' (2012)

* Chel, we're not on the horse!
** Who: Tulio
** Source: ''[[The Road to El Dorado]]'' (2000)

* Well, folks, that's the way it really happened.
** Who: [[w:Alan-a-Dale|Allan-a-Dale]]
** Source: ''[[Robin Hood (1973 film)|Robin Hood]]'' (1973)

* Wait a minute, wait a minute! I-I-I was on the list! Come on, don't you know who I am? Wait! Whoa!
** Who: Tim the Gate Guard
** Source: ''[[Robots (2005 film)|Robots]]'' (2005)

* Hey, Edmond!
** Who: Chanticleer
** Source: ''[[Rock-a-Doodle]]'' (1991)

* As long as we're together. I'm ready to get baked and do anything.
** Who: Brenda
** Source: ''[[Sausage Party]]'' (2016)

* Thank you, Max.
** Who: Duke
* (mid-credits:) I'm home, Leonard. Were you a good boy, Leonard?
** Who: Leonard's Owner
* (post-credits:) All right, party's over!
** Who: Pops
** Source: ''[[The Secret Life of Pets]]'' (2016)

* Bye bye, momma and dada.
** Who: Liam
* (mid-credits:) Snowball, I'm back!
** Who: Molly
* (post-credits:) Okay. Moment's over.
** Who: Rooster
** Source: ''[[The Secret Life of Pets 2]]'' (2019)

* Oh, no!
** Who: Martin
** Source: ''[[The Secret of NIMH]]'' (1982)

* You got served!
** Who: The Shrimp
* Did somebody say CRAZY?!
** Who: Crazy Joe
* What you doing? Go on, get outta here! Go home! It's past your bedtime!
** Who: Mrs. Sanchez
** Source: ''[[Shark Tale]]'' (2004)

* Thanks, boy. Steady. Whoo-hoo!
** Who: Homer Simpson
* (mid-credits:) Smithers, I don't believe in suicides, but if you like to try, it would cheer me up to watch.
** Who: Mr. Burns
* (mid-credits 2:) This is Tom Hanks saying if you see me in person, please leave me be.
** Who: ''[[w:Tom Hanks|Tom Hanks]]''
* (in-credits:) Sequel?
** Who: Maggie Simpson
* (post-credits:) Four years of film school for this?
** Who: Squeaky-Voiced Teen
** Source: ''[[The Simpsons Movie]]'' (2007)

* All creatures great and small, welcome to the New Moon Theater!
** Who: Buster Moon
** Source: ''[[Sing (2016 film)|Sing]]'' (2016)

* Blue!
** Who: Merryweather
** Source: ''[[Sleeping Beauty]]'' (1957)

* Pro: if you go down there you'll meet lots of people. Con: Uh, you're not really a people person. Ugh, this is torture!
** Who: Fleem 
* (mid-credits:) Okay in 3, 2... On the next episode of... Wait am I missing a tooth?
** Who: Percy Patterson
** Source: ''[[Smallfoot (film)|Smallfoot]]'' (2018) 

* Blue cheese!
** Who: Everyone 
* (in-credits:) Am I going mad, Azrael? For the last time, get them to shut off this music!
** Who: [[w:Gargamel|Gargamel]]
** Source: ''[[Smurfs: The Lost Village]]'' (2017)

* Goodbye!
** Who: [[w:Snow White (Disney character)|Snow White]]
** Source: ''[[Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs]]'' (1937)

* Look!
** Who: Kyle Broflovski
* (post-credits:) Guys out there is hurted.
** Who: Ike Broflovski
** Source: ''[[South Park: Bigger, Longer &amp; Uncut]]'' (1999)

* I think I can handle it.
** Who: Chihiro Ogino (Sen)
** Source: ''[[Spirited Away]]'' (2001)
** Note: This line (per above) was heard in the English dub. The original Japanese dub's final line is &quot;Chihiro, let's get to our new home.&quot;

* Miles! Miles! Do you have a minute?
** Who: Gwen Stacy / Spider-Gwen
* You haven't seen pointing until I'm finished with you!
* You're accusing me of pointing while you're...!
** Who 1: Peter Parker / 1967 Spider-Man
** Who 2: Miguel O'Hara / 2099 Spider-Man
** Source: ''[[Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse]]'' (2018)

* You think you could handle them? They're not exactly easy to get along with.
** Who: Steven
** Source: ''[[Steven Universe: The Movie]]'' (2019)

* You love it.
** Who: Tulip
** Source: ''[[Storks (film)|Storks]]'' (2016)

* We did it. We really did it! Woo-hoo! Come on, guys! Yeah!
** Who: Richard
** Source: ''[[A Stork’s Journey]]'' (2017)

* Well, uh.... that's something like television. Without commercials.
** Who: Merlin
** Source: ''[[The Sword in the Stone (film)|The Sword in the Stone]]'' (1963)

* Yes, we are.
** Who: [[w:Flynn Rider|Eugene Fitzherbert]]
** Source: ''[[Tangled]]'' (2010)

* Ooo-ooo-ee-ah-ooo.
** Who: Jane Porter
** Source: ''[[Tarzan (1999 film)|Tarzan]]'' (1999)

* Woof!
** Who: Spot Helperman
** Source: ''[[Teacher's Pet (2004 film)|Teacher's Pet]]'' (2004)

* Wait, wait, wait, wait, WAIT! KIDS, ASK YOUR PARENTS WHERE BABIES COME FROM!
** Who: 2013 Robin
* (mid-credits:) This is the ''[[Teen Titans (TV series)|Teen Titans]]''! Can anyone hear us? We think we found a way back!
** Who: 2003 Robin
* Challengers! I believe we may have missed the motion picture!
** Who: Unknown Challenger
** Source: ''[[Teen Titans Go! To the Movies]]'' (2018)

* Avengers! Assemble!
** Who: James Rogers
** Source: ''Next Avengers: Heroes of Tomorrow'' (2008)

* And of course, they lived happily ever after.
** Who: Jacquimo
** Source: ''[[Thumbelina (1994 film)|Thumbelina]]'' (1994)

* We live together, we train together, we fight together, we stand for good, together. We are Ninjas. We strike hard, defend, protect and fade into the night. And there ain't no bad guy or monster gonna ever change that: That's what's important. And that's why we'll always be brothers. Oh, I love bein' a turtle.
** Who: [[w:Raphael (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Raphael]]
** Source: ''[[TMNT (film)|TMNT]]'' (2007)

* Tom! Jerry! Welcome to your new home!
** Who: Robyn Starling
** Source: ''[[Tom and Jerry: The Movie]]'' (1992)

* Til All Are One!, Till All Are One!, Till All Are One!
** Who: The Autobots
** Source: ''[[The Transformers: The Movie]]'' (1986)

* Up high!
** Who: Cloud Guy
* (in-credits:) But wait, wait, wait.
** Who: Creek
** Source: ''[[Trolls (film)|Trolls]]'' (2016)
** Note: After Poppy and the other Trolls make peace with the Bergens, Creek, along with Chef is knocked out of the Bergen castle. Chef then betrays Creek by trying to eat him, but before this can happen, both are eaten alive by a hill monster.

* Glitter!
** Who: Queen Barb
* (in-credits:) But who gonna eat my cheese balls, babe?
** Who: King Gristle, Jr.
** Source: ''[[Trolls World Tour]]'' (2020)

* And it looks like the winner is...
** Who: Sports Announcer
** Source: ''[[Turbo (film)|Turbo]]'' (2013)

* We've all got an inner beast. We've all got a messy, loud, weird part of ourselves hidden away. And a lot of us never let it out. But I did. How about you?
** Who: Mei Lee
** Source: ''[[Turning Red]]'' (2022)

* She's gonna be so excited.
** Who: Father of Moxy's owner
** Source: ''[[Uglydolls]]'' (2019)

* Another blue one.
** Who: Russell
** Source: ''[[Up (2009 film)|Up]]'' (2009)

* Cheeeeeeeeeese!
** Who: Hutch the Rabbit
** Source: ''[[Wallace &amp; Gromit in The Curse of the Were-Rabbit|Wallace &amp; Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit]]'' (2005)

* This is called farming! You kids are gonna grow all kinds of plants! Vegetable plants, pizza plants! Oh, it's good to be home!
** Who: Captain B. McCrea
** Source: ''[[WALL-E]]'' (2008)

* Gotcha!
** Who: Alex
** Source: ''[[Walking with Dinosaurs (film)|Walking with Dinosaurs]]'' (2013)

* All the world will be your enemy, Prince of a Thousand enemies. And when they catch you, they will kill you. But first they must catch you; digger, listener, runner, Prince with the swift warning. Be cunning, and full of tricks, and your people will never be destroyed.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Watership Down (film)|Watership Down]]'' (1978)

* Alright, guys, let's eat! I'm gonna do syrup and honey.
** Who: Grizzly Bear
** Source: ''[[We Bare Bears: The Movie]]'' (2020)

* Nick!
** Who: Flash
* (in-credits:) Come on! Shake your tails with me, come on! Yeah!
** Who: Gazelle
** Source: ''[[Zootopia]]'' (2016)

=== ''101 Dalmatians'' film series ===

* I'm hungry, mother.
** Who: Roley
** Source: ''[[One Hundred and One Dalmatians]]''

* Say &quot;spots!&quot;
** Who: Photographer
** Source: ''[[101 Dalmatians II: Patch's London Adventure]]''

=== ''Alvin and the Chipmunks'' animated movies'' ===
* Alvin!
** Who: Dave Seville
** Source: ''[[The Chipmunk Adventure]]'' (1987)

* How does that song go again?
** Who: Dr. Frankenstein
** Source: ''Alvin and the Chipmunks Meet Frankenstein'' (1999)

* Us? Wild?
** Who: Alvin
** Source: ''Alvin and the Chipmunks Meet the Wolfman'' (2000)

=== ''[[The Angry Birds Movie]]'' film series ===

* Guys! No!
** Who: Red
* (mid-credits:) Whoa!
** Who: Jay, Jake, and Jim
** Source: ''[[The Angry Birds Movie]]'' (2016)

* Jinx! Jinx! Jinx!
** Who: Chuck and Silver
* (in-credits:) Bye-bye.
** Who: Zoe's sister
** Source: ''[[The Angry Birds Movie 2]]'' (2019)

=== ''[[Aladdin]]'' film series ===

* Made ya look.
** Who: Genie
* (post-credits, special edition only:) You have been a fabulous audience! Tell you what, you're the best audience in the whole world. Take care of yourselves! Good night, Alice! Good night, Agrabah! Adios, amigos!
** Who: Genie
** Source: ''[[Aladdin (1992 Disney film)|Aladdin]]'' (1992)

* Does this mean I don't get my third wish?
** Who: Abis Mal
** Source: ''[[The Return of Jafar]]'' (1994)

* Wait a minute. We're not gettin' outta here, man! We're not gettin' outta here! Don't ya understand it, man? This is it, game's over, man!
** Who: Genie
** Source: ''[[Aladdin and the King of Thieves]]'' (1996)

=== ''Bambi'' film series ===

* Well, I don't believe I've ever seen a more likely looking pair of fawns. Prince Bambi ought to be mighty proud.
** Who: Friend Owl
** Source: ''[[Bambi]]'' (1942)

* Actually, I was a lot like you.
** Who: The Great Prince of the Forest
** Source: ''[[Bambi II]]'' (2006)

=== ''Barbie'' film series ===

* I always knew you could.
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie in the Nutcracker'' (2001)

* When you do that, you'll never go wrong.
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie as Rapunzel'' (2002)

* Wouldn't miss it.
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie of Swan Lake'' (2003)

* And, of course, Wolfie and Serafina lived happily ever after. Along with their many, many, many kittens.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''Barbie as The Princess and the Pauper'' (2004)

* I can't believe it! I'm flying!
** Who: Elina
** Source: ''Barbie: Fairytopia'' (2005)

* I'm trying!
** Who: Blush
** Source: ''Barbie and the Magic of Pegasus'' (2005)

* Secret seaweed, huh? Oh, that is clever of you to remember that!
** Who: Dandilion
** Source: ''Barbie Fairytopia: Mermaidia'' (2006)

* Yes, Papa. I'm finally on time for something.
** Who: Genevieve
** Source: ''Barbie in the 12 Dancing Princesses'' (2006)

* Goodbye, Elina! I know you look forward to seeing me again!
** Who: Fabien
** Source: ''Barbie Fairytopia: Magic of the Rainbow'' (2007)

* (gasps) A princess!
** Who: Tika
** Source: ''Barbie as the Island Princess'' (2007)

* Bye-bye! Whee!
** Who: A Flutterpixie
** Source: ''Barbie: Mariposa'' (2008)

* Now, where were we?
* ''[singing]'' Oh-whoa-oh. Two voices, one song...
** Who: Barbie and Teresa
** Source: ''Barbie and the Diamond Castle'' (2008)

* I think that would be amazing, Kelly.
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie in A Christmas Carol'' (2008)

* Right now, I've got somewhere else to be!
** Who: Corrinne
** Source: ''Barbie and the Three Musketeers'' (2008)
 
* Oopsie! Guess old habits die hard...girlfriend!
** Who: Raquelle
** Source: ''Barbie: A Fairy Secret'' (2011)

* Come on. I wanna introduce you to everyone!
** Who: Blair Willows/Princess Sophia
** Source: ''Barbie: Princess Charm School'' (2011)

* Merry Christmas!
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie: A Perfect Christmas'' (2011)

* Meribella! Put your hands up for me! Come on!
** Who: Keira
** Source: ''Barbie: The Princess &amp; The Popstar'' (2012)

* Come on, let's go!
** Who: Kristyn Farraday
** Source: ''Barbie In The Pink Shoes'' (2013)

* OK! Now, who's got the boarding passes?
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie and her Sisters: In a Pony Tale'' (2013)

* What on earth?
** Who: Bookhurst
** Source: ''Barbie and the Secret Door'' (2014)

* One, two, three, four!
** Who: Erika Juno
** Source: ''Barbie in Rock 'n Royals'' (2015)

* And thanks to Barbie, who was the one after all, everyone lived happily ever after.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''Barbie: Star Light Adventure'' (2016)

* How about you show me those moves?
** Who: Lindsey
** Source: ''Barbie &amp; Her Sisters in A Puppy Chase'' (2016)

* Look!
** Who: Chelsea
** Source: ''Barbie Dolphin Magic'' (2017)

* She's right. Barbie, I can't hold back any longer. I think I... wanna dance with you.
** Who: Ken
** Source: ''Barbie Princess Adventure'' (2020)

* New York! Emmie here, coming at you live from Times Square to announce the winner of the Spotlight Solo! Put your hands together for my friends, Barbie Roberts and Barbie Roberts! Otherwise known as Malibu and Brooklyn, the winners of the Spotlight Solo!
** Who: Emmie
** Source: ''Barbie: Big City, Big Dreams'' (2021)

=== ''[[w:Beauty and the Beast (franchise)|Beauty and the Beast]]'' film series ===

* Do I still have to sleep in the cupboard?
** Who: Chip Potts
** Source: ''[[Beauty and the Beast (1991 film)|Beauty and the Beast]]'' (1991)

* I'd be delighted.
** Who: Fife
** Source: ''[[w:Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas|Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas]]'' (1997)

* And it begins, uh, Lumiere, with trust. Where, with mutual respect, as I have always said all relationships must be firmly based on that. One must build on a firm foundation of trust and respect in order to flourish and flow; nourish and grow. Always attentive to the needs of the other and honesty, utter honesty is the key on which...
** Who: Cogsworth
** Source: ''[[w:Belle's Magical World|Belle's Magical World]]'' (1998)

=== ''Bratz'' film series ===

* It was original, captivating, stylized, and told me so much about each one of you. You're all getting A+'s!
** Who: Mr. Del Rio
** Source: ''Bratz: Starrin' &amp; Stylin'' (2004)

* We’re the girls..
* With the passion for fashion!
* And...
* We...
* Rock!
** Who: Jade, Cloe, Yasmin and Sasha
** Source: ''Bratz Rock Angelz'' (2005)

* Please, call me Henry, all right?
** Who: Gordon Murph
** Source: ''Bratz Babyz: The Movie'' (2006)

* So, after all that work and practice, we discovered that we were really good at a lot of different things. But, what we're best at is being best friends. By helping Anna win the contest, we all ended up winners and we felt like stars!
** Who: Sasha
** Source: ''Bratz Girlz Really Rock'' (2008)

=== ''Care Bears'' film series ===

* Care for me, Mrs. Cherrywood. Just care for me.
** Who: Mr. Cherrywood
** Source: ''[[The Care Bears Movie]]'' (1985)

* Yes, sir! Everything was back to the way it was. But, as always, it was just a little bit different, a little bit better, and a little bit more special—thanks to the Care Bears, the Care Bear Cousins, and thanks to... ''(laughs)'' Well, you all know who you are. I thank my lucky Stars that there are people out there like you who really do care. You're not afraid to share your feelings—and that, my friends, makes you all world-class Care Bear Champs!
** Who: The Great Wishing Star
** Source: ''[[Care Bears Movie II: A New Generation]]'' (1986)

* Goodbye!
** Who: The Care Bears
** Source: ''Care Bears: Journey to Joke-a-lot'' (2004)

* Twinkers, did you hear? Too Loud Bear finally got your name right!
** Who: Wish Bear
** Source: ''The Care Bears' Big Wish Movie'' (2005)

* You bet!
** Who: Cheer Bear
** Source: ''Care Bears: Oopsy Does It!'' (2007)

* Oopsy.
** Who: Oopsy Bear
** Source: ''Care Bears: To the Rescue'' (2010)

*Let's get this Giving Festival started!
** Who: Princess Starglo
** Source: ''Care Bears: The Giving Festival'' (2010)

*Later, gators, I've got stars to make!
** Who: Princess Starglo
** Source: ''Care Bears: Share Bear Shines'' (2011)

=== ''[[w:Cars (franchise)|Cars]]'' film series ===

* Yeah! Ka-chow!
** Who: Lightning McQueen
* (in-credits) Wait a minute here. They're just using the [[w:John Ratzenberger|same actor]] over and over. [[w:Pixar|What kind of a cut-rate production is this?!]]
** Who: Mack
* (post-credits:) No! There's an on-ramp close! I know it! I can feel it! Ah-ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
** Who: [[w:List_of_Cars_characters#Van and Minny|Van]]
** Source: ''[[Cars (film)|Cars]]'' (2006)

* Not if I see you first!
** Who: [[w:Mater (Cars)|Tow Mater]]
** Source: ''[[Cars 2]]'' (2011)

* Go!
** Who: Luigi
* (post-credits:) Hey, McQueen! You still there? McQueen! Ugh. Technology.
** Who: [[w:Mater (Cars)|Tow Mater]]
** Source: ''[[Cars 3]]'' (2017)

* Ha-ha, you're on!
** Who: Skipper
** Source: ''[[Planes (film)]]'' (2013)

* Ladies and gentleplanes! Turn your attention to the skies for today's featured aerial presentation! The Propwash Junction Corn Fest is proud to present the Piston Peak Air Attack team, and our very own world champion racer and firefighter, Dusty Crophopper!
** Who: Chug
* (in-credits:) Welcome to Death Valley National Park. Is it hot? ''(laughs weezily)'' Yes, it is.
** Who: Cad Spinner
* (post-credits:) Yay!
** Who: Drip
** Source: ''[[Planes: Fire &amp; Rescue]]'' (2014)

=== ''[[w:Cinderella (franchise)|Cinderella]]'' film series ===

* But, you see, I have the other slipper.
** Who: [[w:Cinderella (Disney character)|Cinderella]]
** Source: ''[[Cinderella (1950 film)|Cinderella]]'' (1950)

* Once upon a time, there was a big castle... and in this castle lived a prince and a princess...
** Who: Cinderella
** Source: ''[[Cinderella II: Dreams Come True]]'' (2002)

* And they lived happily ever after... again.
** Who: Cinderella
** Source: ''[[Cinderella III: A Twist in Time]]'' (2007)

=== ''[[w:The Croods (franchise)|The Croods]]'' film series ===

* Duh-duh-duh!
** Who: Belt and Sandy Crood
** Source: ''[[The Croods]]'' (2013)

* Dad was right after all, we were stronger together.
** Who: Eep Crood
** Source: ''[[The Croods: A New Age]]'' (2020)

=== ''[[w:DC Universe Animated Original Movies|DC Universe Animated Original Movies]]'' ===

* In other news, Gotham's mysterious defender...the Batman, was seen last night helping police apprehend the leaders...of an underworld, gun-running operation...
** Who: Summer Gleason
** Source: ''[[Batman and Mr. Freeze: Subzero]]'' (1998)
* Hi, old man.
** Who: Tim Drake
** Source: ''[[Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker]]'' (2000)
* Well, maybe an explosion now and then.
** Who: Kathy Duquesne
** Source: ''[[Batman: Mystery of the Batwoman]]'' (2003)
* If history has determined that gods can die... ...it has also proven that they may return from the dead. It would seem you can't be destroyed after all, Superman. It would seem.
** Who: Lex Luthor
** Source: ''[[Superman: Doomsday]]'' (2007)
* The pioneers gave up their safety, their comfort, and sometimes their lives to build our new west. They were determined to make the new world strong and free - an example to the world. Some would say that those struggles are all over. That all the horizons have been explored. That all the battles have been won. That there is no longer an American frontier. And we stand today on the edge of a new frontier. The frontier of unknown opportunities and perils. Beyond that frontier are uncharted areas of science. Unsolved problems of peace and war. Unconquered pockets of ignorance and prejudice. I'm asking each of you to be pioneers towards that New Frontier. My call is to the young in heart, regardless of age. Can we carry through in an age where we will witness not only new breakthroughs in weapons of destruction, but also a race for mastery of the sky and the rain, the ocean and the tides, the far side of space, and the inside of men's minds? All mankind waits upon out decision. A whole world waits to see what we shall do. And we cannot fail that trust, and we cannot fail to try.
** Who: John F. Kennedy
** Source: ''[[Justice League: The New Frontier]]'' (2008)

* Sir?
** Who: Alfred Pennyworth
** Source: ''[[Batman: Gotham Knight]]'' (2008)

* Look! It's Wonder Woman!
** Who: Little girl
** Source: ''[[Wonder Woman (2009 film)|Wonder Woman]]'' (2009)

* I've gotta go punch a clock with my other boss. I can see where this is gonna be a long commute.
** Who: Hal Jordan
** Source: ''[[Green Lantern: First Flight]]'' (2009)

* &quot;Late&quot;? Come on, it's... ...early.
** Who: Superman
** Source: ''[[Superman/Batman: Public Enemies]]'' (2009)

* I'm glad you agree. I've been thinking about a membership drive.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths]]'' (2010)

* It feels awesome! Check me out! I'm Robin, the Boy wonder! Are you kidding me? This rocks. Come on, old man, we've got bad guys who need chasing. This is the best day of my life.
** Who: Young Jason Todd/Robin
** Source: ''[[Batman: Under the Red Hood]]'' (2010)

* Hey.
** Who: Superman
** Source: ''[[Superman/Batman: Apocalypse]]'' (2010)

* He's not dead. He's up there fixing the sun. And when he's done, he'll be back.
** Who: Lois Lane
** Source: ''[[All-Star Superman (film)|All-Star Superman]]'' (2011)

* We got a new home to build. Come on. I'll tell you about the time I took on an army of Manhunters and my only backup was this squirrel.
** Who: Hal Jordan
** Source: ''[[Green Lantern: Emerald Knights]]'' (2011)

* Barbara's not crazy about the marriage counselor, but we're making progress. As for me, well, there's a real panic on. Somebody has threatened to poison the Gotham reservoir. He calls himself the Joker. I've got a friend coming who might be able to help. He should be here any minute.
** Who: Lieutenant James Gordon
** Source: ''[[Batman: Year One (film)|Batman: Year One]]'' (2011)

* I do have a plan! It's called the Justice League.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[Justice League: Doom]]'' (2012)

* Can we go so I can kiss you now?
** Who: Lois Lane
** Source: ''[[Superman vs. The Elite]]'' (2012)

* Ba-Batman... Darling!
** Who: Joker
** Source: [[Batman: The Dark Knight Returns (film)|''Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, Part One'']] (2012)

* I spent 10 years looking for a good death. This... This'll be a good life. Good enough.
** Who: Bruce Wayne
** Source: [[Batman: The Dark Knight Returns (film)|''Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, Part Two'']] (2013)

* Marry me.
** Who: Clark Kent
** Source: ''[[Superman: Unbound]]'' (2013)

* You're one helluva messenger. Thank you.
** Who: Bruce Wayne
** Source: ''[[Justice League: The Flashpoint Paradox]]'' (2013)

* The surface dwellers have killed our king. This is an act of war and they will pay.
** Who: Prince Orm
** Source: ''[[Justice League: War]]'' (2014)

* No.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[Son of Batman]]'' (2014)

* Bang.
** Who: Deadshot
** Source: ''[[Batman: Assault on Arkham]]'' (2014)

* I am Lex Luthor. I have a proposition for you.
** Who: Lex Luthor
** Source: ''[[Justice League: Throne of Atlantis]]'' (2015)

* Sometimes, Alfred... ...you have to have a little faith.
** Who: Bruce Wayne
** Source: ''[[Batman vs. Robin]]'' (2015)

* Time to look ahead, Kirk. You know what they say. The past is like another planet.
** Who: Superman
** Source: ''[[Justice League: Gods and Monsters]]'' (2015)

* Master Bruce is having a heart-to-heart with Damian. One can't help feeling bad. Despite her madness, she was his mother.
** Who: Alfred Pennyworth
** Source: ''[[Batman: Bad Blood]]'' (2016)

* Raven, release me. You're too weak to keep me in here, you filthy witch! I'll get out! I'll kill everyone you love. RAVEN!!!
** Who: Trigon
** Source: ''[[Justice League vs. Teen Titans]]'' (2016)

* Yeah, Dad, I just got back from the lacrosse game. Going to practice some Wallball this weekend. Getting pretty good. Maybe another night, Dad, I got plans tonight. I can't help it if your daughter's so popular. I'll talk to you, later. Right then, back to work.
** Who: Barbara Gordon / Oracle
** Source: ''[[Batman: The Killing Joke (film)|Batman: The Killing Joke]]'' (2016)

* Now, that's what I call making yourself useful, love.
** Who: John Constantine
** Source: ''[[Justice League Dark (film)|Justice League Dark]]'' (2017)

* I talk to the dead. For no matter how rotted the corpse, there's always a tiny wisp of life left.
** Who: Brother Blood
** Source: ''[[Teen Titans: The Judas Contract]]'' (2017)

* Aw... Ain't that a shame? Wendel is headed back to his crummy house and all those cats without getting the help he so desperately needs. Oh, well, that's it for today's show. Till next time, folks. Be good to yourselves. 'Cause everyone else in the world is probably out to get you. Bye-bye!
** Who: Dr. Harleen Quinzel
** Source: ''[[Batman and Harley Quinn]]'' (2017)

* It was all phony anyway. We'll make something new. Something better.
** Who: Dickie
** Source: ''[[Batman: Gotham by Gaslight]]'' (2018)

* I'll be seeing you, Waller. Maybe in heaven.
** Who: Deadshot
** Source: ''[[Suicide Squad: Hell to Pay]]'' (2018)

* Superman?
** Who: Jimmy Olsen
** Source: ''[[The Death of Superman (film)|The Death of Superman]]'' (2018)

* Okay, who left the front door open?
** Who: Green Lantern
** Source: ''[[Reign of the Supermen (film)|Reign of the Supermen]]'' (2019)

* Jessica Cruz. It's an honor.
** Who: Brainiac 5
** Source: ''[[w:Justice League vs. the Fatal Five|Justice League vs. the Fatal Five]]'' (2019)

* Someday.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[w:Batman: Hush (film)|Batman: Hush]]'' (2019)

* You think I'm intimidated? I've won. I'm coming for you, Wonder Woman. Do you hear me, Wonder Woman? I am coming for you!
** Who: Veronica Cale
** Source: ''[[w:Wonder Woman: Bloodlines|Wonder Woman: Bloodlines]]'' (2019)

* I kind of like that last option.
** Who: Lois Lane
** Source: ''[[w:Superman: Red Son (film)|Superman: Red Son]]'' (2020)

* And some of those changes may be shite. And we may make the same mistakes again. It won't be perfect... but it'll be a long sight better than what we got now.
** Who: John Constantine
** Source: ''[[w:Justice League Dark: Apokolips War|Justice League Dark: Apokolips War]]'' (2020)

=== ''[[w:Despicable Me (franchise)|Despicable Me]]'' film series ===

* No, I'm fine. Go ahead. No, no, no!
** Who: Gru
* (post-credits:) I am Gru. Back to work! Back to work! Back to...
** Who: Kevin
** Source: ''[[Despicable Me]]'' (2010)

* I'm so happy!
** Who: Agnes Gru
** Source: ''[[Despicable Me 2]]'' (2013)

* Come on, He's my brother. We'll give him a 5 minute head start.
** Who: Felonious Gru
** Source: ''[[Despicable Me 3]]'' (2017)

* Freeze ray!
** Who: Felonious Gru
** Source: ''[[Minions (film)|Minions]]'' (2015)

=== ''[[w:Fantasia (franchise)|Fantasia]]'' film series ===

* The last number in our ''Fantasia'' program is a combination of two pieces of music so utterly different in construction and mood that they set each other off perfectly. The first is ''A Night On Bald Mountain'', by one of Russia's greatest composers, Modest Mussorgsky. The second is Franz Schubert's world-famous ''Ave Maria''. Musically and dramatically, we have here a picture of the struggle between the profane and the sacred. Bald Mountain, according to tradition, is the gathering place of Satan and his followers. Here on ''Walpurgisnacht'', which is the equivalent of our own Halloween, the creatures of evil gather to worship their master. Under his spell, they dance furiously until the coming of dawn and the sounds of church bells send the infernal army slinking back into their abodes of darkness. And then we hear the Ave Maria, with its message of the triumph of hope and life over the powers of despair and death.
** Who: [[w:Deems Taylor|Deems Taylor]]
** Source: ''[[Fantasia (1940 film)|Fantasia]]'' (1940)

* Camera back on me. Uh, camera back on me, please. Anyone? Hello? Hello? Could someone give me a ride home?
** Who: [[Steve Martin]]
** Source: ''[[Fantasia 2000]]'' (2000)

=== ''[[w:Finding Nemo (franchise)|Finding Nemo]]'' film series ===

* Bye, son.
** Who: Marlin
* (pre-credits:) Now what?
** Who: Bloat
** Source: ''[[Finding Nemo]]'' (2003)

* Yep. Unforgettable.
** Who: Dory
* (post-credits:) Now what?
** Who: Bloat
** Source: ''[[Finding Dory]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:Frozen (franchise)|Frozen]]'' film series ===

* That's it. Glide and pivot. Glide and pivot.
** Who: Olaf
** Source: ''[[Frozen (2013 film)|Frozen]]'' (2013)

* Ready?
** Who: Elsa
* (post-credits:) Oh. We live! We live! Good story.
** Who: Marshmallow 
** Source: ''[[Frozen II]]'' (2019)

=== ''[[w:Happy Feet (franchise)|Happy Feet]]'' film series ===

* Gracias.
** Who: Ramón
** Source: ''[[Happy Feet]]'' (2006)

* Ja, The Svened.
** Who: The Mighty Sven
** Source: ''[[Happy Feet Two]]'' (2011)

=== ''[[w:Hotel Transylvania (franchise)|Hotel Transylvania]]'' film series ===

* Alright, maybe just a little.
** Who: Dracula
* (in-credits) I didn't do that.
** Who: Elderly Gremlin
** Source: ''[[Hotel Transylvania|Hotel Transylvania]]'' (2012)

* I didn't do that.
** Who: Elderly Gremlin
** Source: ''[[Hotel Transylvania 2]]'' (2015)

* Yes!
** Who: Ericka van Helsing
** Source: ''[[Hotel Transylvania 3: Summer Vacation]]'' (2018)

=== ''[[w:Hoodwinked!|Hoodwinked!]]'' film series ===

* I always did like happy endings.
** Who: Red Puckett
** Source: ''[[Hoodwinked!]]'' (2005)

* Hey, girls. Let's call it a night.
** Who: Twitchy
** Source: ''[[Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil]]'' (2011)

=== ''[[w:How to Train Your Dragon|How to Train Your Dragon]]'' film series ===

* This is Berk. It snows nine months of the year and hails the other three. Any food that grows here is tough and tasteless. The people that grow here are even more so. The only upsides are the pets. While other places have ponies or parrots... we have... dragons!
** Who: Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III
** Source: ''[[How to Train Your Dragon (film)|How to Train Your Dragon]]'' (2010)

* This... is Berk. A bit trampled and busted and covered in ice, but it's home. It's our home. Those who attacked us are relentless and crazy. But those who stopped them? Oh, even more so! We may be small in numbers, but we stand for something bigger than anything the world can pit against us. We are the voice of peace. And bit by bit, we will change this world. You see, we have something they don't. Oh sure, they have armies and they have armadas... But we... we have... our dragons!
** Who: Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III
** Source: ''[[How to Train Your Dragon 2]]'' (2014)

* Legend says that when the ground quakes or lava spews from the earth, it's the dragons letting us know they're still here. Waiting for us to figure out how to get along. Yes, the world believes the dragons are gone, if they ever existed at all. But we Berkians, we know otherwise. And we'll guard this secret until the time comes when dragons can return in peace.
** Who: Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III
** Source: ''[[How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World]]'' (2019)

=== ''[[w:Ice Age (franchise)|Ice Age]]'' film series ===

* No, really...
** Who: [[w:List_of_Ice_Age_characters#Sid|Sid]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age (2002 film)|Ice Age]]'' (2002)

* Calm down! I saved you, little buddy! Remember!?
** Who: [[w:List_of_Ice_Age_characters#Sid|Sid]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: The Meltdown]]'' (2006)

* That's right, sweetheart. Welcome to the Ice Age.
** Who: [[w:List_of_Ice_Age_characters#Ellie|Ellie]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs]]'' (2009)

* No! Stop! Brother, rise above this base desire. Be more than a rodent.
** Who: Ariscratle
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: Continental Drift]]'' (2012)

* Mars: the red planet. Cold... dry... inhospitable to life. But billions and billions of years ago, Mars looked like this. There were lakes, rivers, oceans... the perfect conditions for life to form. So, what happened? Why was life unable to take hold? Where did the water go? We may never know.
** Who: [[w:List_of_Ice_Age_characters#Neil deBuck Weasel|Neil deBuck Weasel]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: Collision Course]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:The Incredibles (franchise)|The Incredibles]]'' film series ===

* Behold, the Underminer! I am always beneath you, but nothing is beneath me! I hereby declare war on peace and happiness! Soon, all will tremble before me!
** Who: The Underminer
** Source: ''[[The Incredibles]]'' (2004)

* Stop! Let us out! Here, large popcorn, small soda. Save me a seat. Center, about eight rows back. I'll be back before the previews are over!
** Who: [[w:Violet Parr|Violet Parr]]
** Source: ''[[Incredibles 2]]'' (2018)

=== ''[[Kim Possible]]'' film series ===

* No idea why I said that!
** Who: Ron Stoppable
** Source: ''[[Kim Possible: A Sitch in Time]]'' (2003)

* It finally happened! She's dating that loser! Kim Possible and Ron Stoppable are dating!? ''(Laughs loudly)''
** Who: Bonnie Rockwaller
** Source: ''[[Kim Possible Movie: So the Drama]]'' (2005)

=== ''[[w:Kung Fu Panda (franchise)|Kung Fu Panda]]'' film series ===

* Yeah.
** Who: [[w:List_of_Kung_Fu_Panda_characters#Master Shifu|Master Shifu]]
** Source: ''[[Kung Fu Panda]]'' (2008)

* My son is alive...
** Who: [[w:List_of_Kung_Fu_Panda_characters#Li Shan|Li Shan]]
** Source: ''[[Kung Fu Panda 2]]'' (2011)

* Panda Asthma.
** Who: [[w:List_of_Kung_Fu_Panda_characters#Li Shan|Li Shan]]
** Source: ''[[Kung Fu Panda 3]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:Lady and the Tramp|Lady and the Tramp]]'' film series ===

* Huh? I haven't? Well, uh, as Old Reliable used to say... He'd say, uh, uh... He'd say, uh, uh... Doggone. You know, I clean forgot what it was he used to say!
** Who: Trusty
** Source: ''[[Lady and the Tramp]]'' (1955)

* Angel!
** Who: Junior
** Source: ''[[Lady and the Tramp II: Scamp's Adventure]]'' (2001)

=== ''[[w:The Land Before Time (franchise)|The Land Before Time]]'' film series ===

* And they all grew up together in the valley, generation upon generation, each passing on to the next. The tale of their ancestors' journey to the valley, long ago.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time]]'' (1988)

* But I still can't wait to grow up.
** Who: Littlefoot
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time II: The Great Valley Adventure]]'' (1994)

* And so, as it turned out, the dinosaurs traveled from green spot to green spot, eating their fill, each helping the others to find what they needed, each learning the special kind of joy, which comes from giving to others. And in the years to come, this story of sharing was told over and over again, until it became known as: &quot;The Time of the Great Giving.&quot;
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time III: The Time of the Great Giving]]'' (1995)

* And so, it came to pass that the migrating dinosaurs left the Great Valley for lands unknown. And yes, Littlefoot and his friends, Cera, Ducky, Petrie and Spike, would indeed meet Ali again one day. But that's another story.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time IV: Journey Through the Mists]]'' (1996)

* It's great to be home.
** Who: Cera
** ''[[The Land Before Time V: The Mysterious Island]]'' (1997)

* And so, another myth was born. It would change with each retelling. And even now, who knows how this one will end.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time VI: The Secret of Saurus Rock]]'' (1998)

* Oh, no! Oh, no! But we are plenty smart, right, Spike?
* Uh-huh.
** Who 1: Ducky
** Who 2: Spike
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time VII: The Stone of Cold Fire]]'' (1999)

* The families would be happy here until the Great Circle began to warm the land once more, melting the white ground sparkles and allowing new life to spring up, turning the earth green again. Then they could return to the Great Valley, where they could all get a good night's sleep, even Ducky.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time VIII: The Big Freeze]]'' (2001)

* This adventure was at an end. Still, Littlefoot, Cera, Ducky, Petrie and Spike knew in their hearts that there would be many more adventures yet to come.
** Who: Narrator
** Source:''[[The Land Before Time IX: Journey to Big Water]]'' (2002)

* I just have one question. Do we HAVE to go back through the swamp?
** Who: Ducky
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time X: The Great Longneck Migration]]'' (2003)

* And every nibbling day, the dinosaurs of the Great Valley gathered to celebrate these small things of life which mattered so much.
* Got you!
** Who 1: Narrator
** Who 2: Petrie
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time XI: Invasion of the Tinysauruses]]'' (2005)

* Many changes had occurred on this day of changes. And many more would follow. The dinosaur families understood this. They knew that change was a part of life in the Great Valley.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time XII: The Great Day of the Flyers]]'' (2006)

* In their journey to Berry Valley, the young dinosaurs had discovered that wisdom came in many different forms. And they knew that more lessons lay before them as they grew in the land before time.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time XIII: The Wisdom of Friends]]'' (2007)

* Littlefoot had found his father. And he found something else, too... Something he wasn't looking for. The realization that he and his friends would always be together... till the end of their days... in the Land Before Time.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time XIV: Journey of the Brave]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:The Lego Movie (franchise)|The Lego Movie]]'' film series ===

* Oh, man.
** Who: Emmet Brickowski
** Source: ''[[The Lego Movie]]'' (2014)

* Wow, that was fun! Really hope nobody was recording that. Let me see. Oh, this thing is on. This thing is recording.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[The Lego Batman Movie]]'' (2017)

* B mark.
** Who: Director
** Source: ''[[The Lego Ninjago Movie]]'' (2017)

* An original album of ''Everything is Awesome''?! Wait a minute. Is that...? 
** Who: Emmet Brickowski
** Source: ''[[The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part]]'' (2019)

=== ''[[w:Lilo &amp; Stitch (franchise) (franchise)|Lilo &amp; Stitch]]'' film series ===

* Wait.
** Who: Stitch
** Source: ''[[Lilo &amp; Stitch]]'' (2002)

* And with 626, they make one hotshot evil genius experiment-catching team!
** Who: Jumba Jookiba
* (post-credits:) I'll get the wig.
** Who: Wendy Pleakley
** Source: ''[[Stitch! The Movie]]'' (2003)

* Mom would be so proud of you.
** Who: Nani Pelekai
** Source: ''[[Lilo &amp; Stitch 2: Stitch Has a Glitch]]'' (2005)

* Aloha!
** Who: The Pelekai ''ʻohana'': Lilo Pelekai, Stitch, Nani Pelekai, David Kawena, Jumba Jookiba, Wendy Pleakley, Mertle Edmonds, and many of Jumba's genetic experiments (Stitch's &quot;cousins&quot;)
** Source: ''[[Leroy &amp; Stitch]]'' (2006)

=== ''[[w:The Lion King (franchise)|The Lion King]]'' film series ===

* Remember...
** Who: Mufasa's Ghost
** Source: ''[[The Lion King]]'' (1994)

* Well done, my son. We are one.
** Who: Mufasa's Ghost
** Source: ''[[The Lion King II: Simba's Pride]]'' (1998)

* Uh, Timon? I still don't do so well in crowds.
** Who: Pumbaa
** Source: ''[[The Lion King 1½]]'' (2004)

=== ''[[w:The Little Mermaid (franchise)|The Little Mermaid]]'' film series ===

* I love you, daddy.
** Who: Ariel
** Source: ''[[The Little Mermaid (1989 film)|The Little Mermaid]]'' (1989)

* Hi.
** Who: Melody
** Source: ''[[The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea]]'' (2000)

* That's my girl. Samba? Ooh-wa, ooh-wa! 
** Who: Benjamin
** Source: ''[[The Little Mermaid: Ariel's Beginning]]'' (2008)

=== ''[[w:Madagascar (franchise)|Madagascar]]'' film series ===

* Nah. Just smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave.
** Who: Skipper
** Source: ''[[Madagascar (2005 film)|Madagascar]]'' (2005)

* Shake 'em. Shake 'em. Shake 'em. Shake 'em...
** Who: King Julian XII
** Source: ''[[Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa]]'' (2008)

* Hey, Skipper, what did you end up doing with the crazy lady, anyway?
** Who: Alex
** Source: ''[[Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted]]'' (2012)

* You know, if I'm being honest, I expected a little more... pizzazz! Yes! Now, that's pizzazz!
** Who: King Julian XII
** Source: ''[[Penguins of Madagascar]]'' (2014)

=== ''[[w:Monsters, Inc. (franchise)|Monsters, Inc.]]'' film series ===

* Kitty!
** Who: Boo
** Source: ''[[Monsters, Inc.]]'' (2001)

* You better believe it.
** Who: Mike Wazowski
* (post-credits:) Great.
** Who: Student Slug Monster
** Source: ''[[Monsters University]]'' (2013)

=== ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls'' film series ===

* Just a hunch.
** Who: Pinkie Pie
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Equestria Girls]]'' (2013)

* One! Two! Three! Four!
** Who: Human Pinkie Pie
* (post-credits:) No doubt about it, Spike, there's definitely something strange going on at that school.
** Who: Human Twilight Sparkle (Sci-Twi)
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Rainbow Rocks]]'' (2014)

* Make that the ''second'' strangest.
** Who: Princess Twilight Sparkle
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Friendship Games]]'' (2015)

* Where did the magic that hit this cave come from?
** Who: Sunset Shimmer
* (post-credits:) Let's celebrate!
** Who: Human Pinkie Pie
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Legend of Everfree]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:The Nut Job|The Nut Job]]'' film series ===

* Any more big ideas? Please stay.
** Who: Norvirus Raccoon
** Source: ''[[The Nut Job]]'' (2014)
** Note: A mid-credits scene reveals that Raccoon and Cardinal survived and were drifted out to sea, but sharks now surround them, leaving their fate ambiguous.

* Ride, Precious! Ride! Hiyah!
** Who: Surly
** Source: ''[[The Nut Job 2: Nutty by Nature]]'' (2017)

=== ''[[w:Open Season (franchise)|Open Season]]'' film series ===

* Wait, wait. No. No. No!
** Who: Shaw
** Source: ''[[Open Season]]'' (2006)

* Come on!
** Who: Elliot
** Source: ''[[Open Season 2]]'' (2009)

* Boop!
** Who: Allistar
** Source: ''[[Open Season 3]]'' (2011)

* No.
** Who: Boog
** Source: ''[[Open Season: Scared Silly]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:The Rescuers|The Rescuers]]'' film series ===

* I sure wish we'd have taken the train.
** Who: Bernard
** Source: ''[[The Rescuers]]'' (1977)

* Help! Anybody! Bernard! Bianca! Where are you? Okay, that's it, I'm out of here. This is ridiculous. You can't leave me here alone. I'm gone! I am gone. Oh. Aw, no, stay in those eggs! That's a direct order! Oh. Hey, you're kind of a cute little feller. Coochy, coochy... Yeowww! Whoa! Ohhh!
** Who: Wilbur
** Source: ''[[The Rescuers Down Under]]'' (1990)

=== ''[[w:Rio (franchise)|Rio]]'' film series ===

* That's my big brave boy.
** Who: Linda Gunderson
* (in-credits:) I love you, Rio!
** Who: Luiz
** Source: ''[[Rio (film)|Rio]]'' (2011)

* That's the end?
** Who: Pedro
** Source: ''[[Rio 2]]'' (2014)

=== ''Rugrats'' film series ===

* Way to go, Dilly!
** Who: Tommy Pickles, Chuckie Finster, Phil and Lil Deville
** Source: ''[[The Rugrats Movie]]'' (1998)

* Well, Tommy. I guess this is the way things are gonna be from now on.
** Who: Chuckie Finster
** Source: ''[[Rugrats in Paris: The Movie]]'' (2000)

* Well, Eliza, as dog is my witness, I'll never lose my babies again!
** Who: Spike the Dog
** Source: ''[[Rugrats Go Wild]]'' (2003)

=== ''[[w:Shrek (franchise)|Shrek]]'' film series ===

* Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe.
** Who: [[w:Donkey (Shrek)|Donkey]]
** Source: ''[[Shrek]]'' (2001)

* Hey Donkey, that's Spanish!
** Who: [[w:Puss in Boots (Shrek)|Puss in Boots]]
* (mid-credits:) Look at our little mutant babies! I gotta get a job!
** Who: [[w:Donkey (Shrek)|Donkey]]
** Source: ''[[Shrek 2]]'' (2004)

* I got it.
** Who: [[w:Shrek (character)|Shrek]]
** Source: ''[[Shrek the Third]]'' (2007)

* No, it was ''you'' that rescued ''me.''
** Who: [[w:Shrek (character)|Shrek]]
** Source: ''[[Shrek Forever After]]'' (2010)

* This is the story of a cat who became a hero. An outlaw dedicated to justice and a lover of beautiful woman. A great, great lover. Really, it is crazy. I am Puss in Boots! And my name would become legend.
** Who: [[w:Puss in Boots (Shrek)|Puss in Boots]]
* (in-credits:) Oh!
** Who: Oh Cat
** Source: ''[[Puss in Boots (2011 film)|Puss in Boots]]'' (2011)

=== ''[[w:SpongeBob SquarePants (film series)|SpongeBob SquarePants]]'' film series ===

* Are you crazy? I was just gonna tell you that your fly is down. Manager! This is the greatest day of my life!
** Who: SpongeBob SquarePants
* (post credits:) Okay.
** Who: Captain Bart the Pirate
** Source: ''[[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie]]'' (2004)

* See you later, te-ammate!
** Who: [[w:SpongeBob SquarePants (character)|SpongeBob SquarePants]]
* That was pretty good actually.
** Who: Bubbles
* (in-credits:) You know what this needs? A little interpretive dance!
** Who: [[w:Squidward Tentacles|Squidward Tentacles]]
** Source: ''[[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water]]'' (2015)

* Order up!
** Who: [[w:SpongeBob SquarePants (character)|SpongeBob SquarePants]]
** Source: ''[[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge on the Run]]'' (2020)

=== ''[[w:Surf's Up (film)|Surf's Up]]'' film series ===

* Cody would never do this.
** Who: Edna Maverick
** Source: ''[[Surf's Up]]'' (2007)

* Okay, That's a wrap on this episode of &quot;Are they still cool? Surf Edition&quot;. Aaaand cut.
** Who: Announcer
** Source: ''[[Surf's Up 2: WaveMania]]'' (2017)

=== ''[[w:Toy Story (franchise)|Toy Story]]'' film series ===

* Oh, what is it? What is it? Wow! A puppy!
** Who: Andy Davis
** Source: ''[[Toy Story]]'' (1995)

* Besides, when it all ends, I'll have old Buzz Lightyear to keep me company - for infinity and beyond.
** Who: Woody
* Yeah!
** Who: Wheezy
* (outtakes:) A little break, okay. Phew.
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''[[Toy Story 2]]'' (1999)

* So long, partner. Oh hey, Buzz! You haven't met Bonnie's toys yet! 
** Who: Woody
* (in-credits:) Just go with it, Buzz.
** Who: Jessie
** Source: ''[[Toy Story 3]]'' (2010)

* He's not lost. Not anymore. To infinity...
* ...and beyond.
** Who 1: Buzz Lightyear
** Who 2: Woody
* (mid-credits 1:) Oh yeah. Leave it to us, Jermiah.
** Who: Ducky
* (mid-credits 2:) Yeah. We know exactly what to do.
** Who: Bunny
* (mid-credits 3:) Whoa.
** Who: Duke Caboom
* (mid-credits 4:) I don't know.
** Who: Forky
* (post-credits:) Caboom! Yes.
** Who: Duke Caboom
** Source: ''[[Toy Story 4]]'' (2019)

* To infinity...
* ...and beyond.
** Who 1: Izzy Hawthorne
** Who 2: Buzz Lightyear
* (mid-credits:) [laughs] Laser Shield.
**Who: Commander Burnside
*(post-credits:) Ask the bromite swamps, a breathtaking sight or so I am told, but if you're in a hurry, this would be your most direct route. Any questions? Hello? Oh...
**Who: E.R.I.C.
** Source: ''[[Lightyear (film)|Lightyear]]'' (2022)

=== ''[[Winnie the Pooh]]'' film series ===

* Wherever they go, and whatever happens to them on the way, in their enchanted place on top of the forest, a little bear will always be waiting.
** Who: The narrator
** Source: ''[[The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh]]'' (1977)

* Yes, Piglet. It's the least we could do... for a very small Piglet who's done such very big things. Thank you, Piglet.
** Who: Pooh
** Source: ''[[Piglet's Big Movie]]'' (2003)

* And so it is here we shall leave them. And here we shall find them again. For the boy and the bear will always be together in this remarkable place called the Hundred Acre Wood.
** Who: The narrator
** Source: ''[[Pooh's Grand Adventure: The Search for Christopher Robin]]'' (1997)

* You know, we never really did capture a Heffalump that day. It was more like... like Lumpy captured all of us.
** Who: Pooh
** Source: ''[[Pooh's Heffalump Movie]]'' (2005)

* You were right! I love Hallowoon! Hallow-woo... Hallow... Oh, whatever. As long as we're together!
** Who: Lumpy
** Source: ''[[Pooh's Heffalump Halloween Movie]]'' (2006)

* Look this way, everybody. Closer. Smile!
** Who: Christopher Robin
** Source: ''[[The Tigger Movie]]'' (2000)

* Silly old bear.
** Who: Christopher Robin
* (post-credits:) Wow! It's amazing what you can find in the woods. A marble! And a boot! And oh, my, that's a scary-lookin' fella. Gosh! Maybe these are his things. You know, I better pick 'em up so they won't get broken. That's the last thing I would want. Whoa!  Oh, my gosh! Is this a pit? I think I'm in a pit! Hello? Anybody up there? Oh, well. I sure hope that fella will be back soon.
** Who: The Backson
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh (film)|Winnie the Pooh]]'' (2011)
** Note: He comes out of the scary woods and proves to be real but instead of being a monstrous beast, he is actually very kind and the bait Pooh and the other left for him he decided to pick them up to return to them but falls into the pit as planned. He decides to wait for someone to help him out and hopes he'll be back soon.

* And so another Christmas came and went in the Hundred Acre Wood. It had been a joyous season of giving for all our friends, but especially for a little bear named Winnie the Pooh.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh: Seasons of Giving]]'' (1999)

* Not bad! But it could've used a few more jingly bells.
** Who: Tigger
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh: A Very Merry Pooh Year]]'' (2002)

* BBFN: Bye-Bye For Now!
** Who: Roo
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh: Springtime With Roo]]'' (2004)

=== ''[[Winx Club]]'' film series ===

* And thus, the fairy that was searching for her origins learned to believe in herself, and to trust the people she loved. She stayed true to herself, and to what she believed in, and won her greatest battle, saving her kingdom, freeing her people, and reuniting her family, and finally becoming a true guardian fairy. And now written in the Book of Fate, there's a new Company of Light... the Winx!
** Who: Bartelby (Dubbing Brothers)
* And so, the most strong-willed of all fairies overcame the greatest challenge. She learned to believe in herself and trust the people she loved. She stayed true to what was in her heart and in doing so she saved a kingdom, freed her people, and reunited her long-lost family. And finally, she became a true Guardian Fairy. And now written in the Book of Fate, there's a new Company of Light, called... the Winx!
** Who: Bartelby (Atlas Oceanic)
* (pre-credits:) And soon we'll loop their stupid little fairy wings right off their bodies!
** Who: Icy (Dubbing Brothers)
* (pre-credits:) And soon we reap their weak little fairy wings right of their bodies!
** Who: Icy (Atlas Oceanic)
** Source: ''[[Winx Club: The Secret of the Lost Kingdom]]'' (2007)

* Daddy...
** Who: Bloom
* (post-credits:) Ta-da!!!
** Who: Stella
** Source: ''[[Winx Club 3D: Magical Adventure]]'' (2010)

* Kiko... Thank you! I'm really dying for an ice cream!
** Who: Sky
** Source: ''[[Winx Club: The Mystery of the Abyss]]'' (2014)

=== ''[[w:Wreck-It Ralph (franchise)|Wreck-It Ralph]]'' film series ===

* But I gotta say, the best part of my day is when I get thrown off the roof. Because when the Nicelanders lift me up, I get a perfect view of Sugar Rush, and I can see Vanellope racing. The kid's a natural, the players love her, glitch and all, just like I knew they would. Turns out I don't need a medal to tell me I'm a good guy. Because if that little kid likes me... how bad can I be?
** Who: [[w:Wreck-it Ralph (character)|Wreck-it Ralph]]
** Source: ''[[Wreck-It Ralph]]'' (2012)

* Come on Felix, let's get to work, buddy.
* (mid-credits:) No, the kitty gets the milkshake. The bunny gets the pancake.
* (post-credits:) Oh no, why would I?! I like you! You guys still sticking around? Alright well, you're welcome to stay, there's not really anymore surprises but you know. Good luck getting that song out of your head it's a real ear wig. Anyway what else uh...
** Who: [[w:Wreck-it Ralph (character)|Wreck-it Ralph]]
** Source: ''[[Ralph Breaks the Internet]]'' (2018)

== Streaming service films ==

=== Disney+ films ===

* Hey! Movie's over! Go home!
** Who: Terry
** Source: ''[[Soul (2020 film)|Soul]]'' (2020)

=== Netflix films ===

* Well, rickety biscuit.
** Who: Edmée
** Source: ''[[Arlo the Alligator Boy]]'' (2021)

* Yay! I missed you so much!
** Who: GIR
** Source: ''[[Invader Zim: Enter the Florpus]]'' (2019)

* No!
** Who: Bobby Santiago
* (in-credits:) Just the right amount of cinnamon.
** Who: Lincoln Loud
** Source: ''[[The Loud House Movie]]'' (2021)

* Whew! Hey, guys. What did I miss? ''Aaaaaahhhhh''--
** Who: Balloon Pony
* (post-credits:) Me first!
** Who: Kid Earth Pony 1
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: A New Generation]]'' (2021)

* Woo-hoo...OOF!
** Who: Hilda
** Source: ''[[Hilda and The Mountain King]]'' (2021)

* Two thousand one boogers on the wall, two thousand and one boogers... Pick one out and flick it off, two thousand and two boogers on the wall. Two thousand and two boogers on the wall, two thousand and two boogers...
** Who: Mr. Dupette
** Source: ''[[Rocko's Modern Life: Static Cling]]'' (2019)

=== Paramount+ films ===

* We just had another call asking to speak with Victor Chouce. You're quite a popular man, Victor. I wonder what all the fuss is about. Don't feel like talking, huh? You will.
** Who: Warden
** Source: ''[[South Park: Post Covid]]'' (2021)

* Remember folks, weed can't solve all your problems but tegridy can. Tegridy Weeeed.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[South Park: Post Covid: The Return of Covid]]'' (2021)

* Yeah, well, you see, ManBearPig, eventually, he gonna kill everybody. He just gonna kill you first.
** Who: Pi-Pi
** Source: ''[[South Park: The Streaming Wars]]'' (2022)

* Yeah, but that all sounds really hard. We have enough water for the summer now. Fuck it. Let's smoke some weed!
** Who: Randy Marsh
** Source: ''[[South Park: The Streaming Wars Part 2]]'' (2022)

== Animated TV specials ==

* D.W., turn that thing off!
** Who: Arthur Read
** Source: ''Arthur's Perfect Christmas'' (2000)
* Well, you kids will never believe this, but I could almost swear I saw a cat – a Cat in the Hat, mind you – going down the street with a moss-covered three-handled family gradunza!
** Who: Mother
** Source: ''[[The Cat in the Hat (TV special)|The Cat in the Hat]]'' (1971)
* C'mon, sis. Let's go talk to Mom and Dad.
** Who: Michael
** Source: ''[[Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue]]'' (1990)

* There is a story, some kids tell about when the world was ruled by an evil adult. A story about a boy, his dad, a book, and a tree. It's the true story about how I found the book of KND and what I wrote in it. Five words only. WE. ARE. KIDS. NEXT. DOOR.
** Who: Nigel Uno (Numbuh One)
** Source: ''[[Codename: Kids Next Door - Operation Z.E.R.O.]]'' (2006)

* It's taken me so many years, so many lifetimes, but at last I know where I'm going. Where I've always been going. Home, the long way round.
** Who: The [[Eleventh Doctor]]
** Source: ''[[Eleventh Doctor|Doctor Who: The Day of the Doctor]]'' (2013)

* Mr. Phillip has wished, and so I shall use my power. With a wave of my hands, I shall say, &quot;au revoir, Eiffel Tower!&quot;
** Who: Adil
** Source: ''[[Genie in the House|Genie in the House: Legend of the Dragon]]'' (2010)

* Oh, I love it, Philip, I love it too bits!
** Who: Max Baxter
** Source: ''[[Genie in the House|Genie in the House: Return to Balamkadaar]]'' (2008)

* We'll be waiting right here.
** Who: Stella Shortman
** Source: ''[[Hey Arnold!: The Jungle Movie]]'' (2017)

* Welcome, Christmas, bring your cheer. Cheer to all Whos far and near. Christmas Day is in our grasp, so as long as we have hands to clap, Christmas Day will always be just as long as we have. Welcome, Christmas. While we stand... Heart to heart... and hand to hand.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[w: How the Grinch stole Christmas|Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas]]'' (1966)

* Merry Christmas!
** Who: [[w:Santa Claus|Santa Claus]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: A Mammoth Christmas]]'' (2011)

* The ship is terrible! Not seaworthy! Bunny overboard!
** Who: [[w:List_of_Ice_Age_characters#Squint|Squint]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: The Great Egg-Scapade]]'' (2016)
** Note: Squint trying to sail away in a basket as a ship but unfortunately it sinks.

* Merry Christmas and happy Julianuary, everybody!
** Who: Mort
** Source: ''[[Merry Madagascar]]'' (2009)

* Two, three four!
** Who: River
** Source: ''My Scene: Jammin' in Jamaica'' (2004)

* To sharing secrets with the best friends anyone could ever have!
** Who: Chelsea
** Source: ''My Scene: Masquerade Madness'' (2004)

* What? It's none of your business!
** Who: Beth
** Source: ''Polly Pocket: Lunar Eclipse'' (2003)

* Still, it was mad fun!
** Who: Pia Pocket
** Source: ''Polly Pocket: 2 Cool at the Pocket Plaza'' (2005)

* Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho!
** Who: [[w:Santa Claus|Santa Claus]]
** Source: ''[[Stick Man]]'' (2015)

* Okay, next time, we're going to Mexico. OW!
** Who: Beast Boy
** Source: ''[[Teen Titans: Trouble in Tokyo]]'' (2006)

* Above all, do not lament my absence, for in my spark, I know that this is not the end, but merely a new beginning. Simply put, another transformation.
** Who: Optimus Prime
** Source: ''[[Transformers: Prime|Transformers: Prime - Predacons Rising]]'' (2013)

* First one inside gets to give him mouth to mouth!
** Who: Lee
* (post-credits:) It's the end of the movie? What movie?
** Who: Jonny 2X4
** Source: ''[[Ed, Edd n Eddy's Big Picture Show]]'' (2009)

* That night, the stars seemed to shine down on the forest with a special warm glow. Schaeffer wondered if he could have dreamt it all. Surely a star had fallen and spread magic in its path? And one special wish had come true, just now. And then Schaeffer stopped wondering, because he suddenly knew that if Broo had made it to the Evergreen Forest, then he would soon see Sophia and the Raccoons too.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Raccoons and the Lost Star]]'' (1983)

=== ''[[Futurama]]'' ===

* Well, we're boned.
** Who: Bender
** Source: ''[[Futurama: Bender's Big Score]]'' (2007)

* Because Bender knows love. And love doesn't share itself with the world. Love is suspicious, love is needy, love is fearful, love is greedy. My friends, there is no great love without great jealousy. I love you, meatbags.
** Who: Bender
** Source: ''[[Futurama: The Beast with a Billion Backs]]'' (2008)

* Faster! Faster! Slower!
** Who: Professor Farnsworth
** Source: ''[[Futurama: Bender's Game]]'' (2008)

* Go! Go!
** Who: Fry and Leela
** Source: ''[[Futurama: Into the Wild Green Yonder]]'' (2009)

=== ''[[The Jimmy Timmy Power Hour Specials]]'' ===

* GET OUT OF MY LAB!
** Who: Jimmy Neutron
** Source: ''Jimmy Timmy Power Hour'' (2004)

* Boys, boys! Please! This fighting over me has got to stop!
** Who: Cindy Vortex
** Source: ''Jimmy Timmy Power Hour 2: When Nerds Collide'' (2006)

* Okay, give him his brain back, boys.
** Who: Cindy Vortex
** Source: ''Jimmy Timmy Power Hour 3: The Jerkinators'' (2006)

=== ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls'' specials ===

* Me too!
** Who: Sour Sweet
** Source: ''Dance Magic'' (2017)

* Uh, sorry.
** Who: Human Rainbow Dash
** Source: ''Movie Magic'' (2017)

* Right.
** Who: Starlight Glimmer
** Source: ''Mirror Magic'' (2017)

* Oh, come on! Seriously?!
** Who: Human Rainbow Dash
** Source: ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Forgotten Friendship'' (2018)

* If you’re up for it.
** Who: Human Rarity
** Source: ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Rollercoaster of Friendship'' (2018)

* We’re baaaack!
** Who: Sunset Shimmer
** Source: ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Spring Breakdown'' (2019)

* Yeah, I guess it would’ve been!
** Who: Human Pinkie Pie
** Source: ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Sunset's Backstage Pass'' (2020)

=== ''[[Miraculous Ladybug]]'' ===

* Hmm.
** Who: Monk
** Source: ''[[Miraculous World: New York – United Heroez]]'' (2020)

* Coming to China, I found so much more than I'd ever hoped for: an amazing uncle, a new friend, and a new Mandarin teacher.
** Who: Marinette Dupain-Cheng
** Source: ''[[Miraculous World: Shanghai – The Legend of Ladydragon]]'' (2020)

=== ''Peanuts'' ===

* Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown!
** Who: Everyone
** Source: ''[[A Charlie Brown Christmas]]'' (1965)

* My grandmother lives in a condominium.
** Who: Charlie Brown
** Source: ''[[A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving]] (1973)

* To read Crime and Punishment by Dostoevsky. Happy New Year, Charlie Brown.
** Who: [[w:Linus van Pelt|Linus van Pelt]]
** Source: ''[[Happy New Year, Charlie Brown]]'' (1986)

* Ah...the Easter Beagle...
** Who: Lucy van Pelt
** Source: ''[[It's the Easter Beagle, Charlie Brown]]'' (1974)

* STUPID? What do you mean &quot;stupid&quot;?! Just wait till next year, Charlie Brown! You'll see! Next year at this same time, I'll find a pumpkin patch that is *real* sincere and I'll sit in that pumpkin patch until the Great Pumpkin appears. He'll rise out of that pumpkin patch and he'll fly through the air with his bag of toys. The Great Pumpkin will appear and I'll be waiting for him! I'll be there! I'll be sitting there in that pumpkin patch... and I'll see the Great Pumpkin. Just wait and see, Charlie Brown. I'll see that Great Pumpkin. I'll SEE the Great Pumpkin! Just you wait, Charlie Brown. The Great Pumpkin will appear, and I'll be waiting for him...!
** Who: Linus van Pelt
** Source: ''[[It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown]]'' (1966)

* Grandma?
** Who: Linus van Pelt
** Source: ''Happiness is a Warm Blanket, Charlie Brown'' (2011)

* Charlie Brown, get your stupid dog to stop playing this music!
** Who: Lucy van Pelt
** Source: ''[[It's the Pied Piper, Charlie Brown]]'' (2000)

=== ''Rankin/Bass'' ===

* Merry Christmas! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
** Who: Santa Claus
** Source: ''[[Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (TV special)|Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer]]'' (1964)

* Aaron's heart was filled with joy and love. And he knew at last that the hate he had carried there was wrong. As ALL hatred will ever be wrong. For more powerful, more beautiful by far than all the eons of sadness and cruelty and desolation which had come before, was that one tiny, crystalline second of laughter. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.
** Who: Our Storyteller
** Source: ''[[The Little Drummer Boy (film)|The Little Drummer Boy]]'' (1968)

* I'll be back on Christmas Day!
** Who: Frosty
** Source: ''[[Frosty the Snowman (TV special)|Frosty the Snowman]]'' (1969)

* Merry Christmas!
** Who: Children
** Source: ''[[Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town (film)|Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town]]'' (1970)

* Happy Easter Day!
** Who: Everyone
** Source: ''[[Here Comes Peter Cottontail]]'' (1971)

* Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!
** Who: Santa Claus
** Source: ''[['Twas the Night Before Christmas (1974 TV special)|'Twas the Night Before Christmas]]'' (1974)

* I dreamed unhappy things!
** Who: Santa Claus
** Source: ''[[The Year Without a Santa Claus]]'' (1974)

* And frosty, too!
** Who: Frosty and Crystal
** Source: ''[[Frosty's Winter Wonderland]]'' (1976)

* And may it be shiny, too!
** Who: Rudolph
** Source: ''[[Rudolph's Shiny New Year]]'' (1976)

* Okay!
** Who: Rudolph
** Source: ''[[Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July]]'' (1979)

* And so, the folks of Beansborough got their winter carnival after all. A tradition was saved. Summer Wheeze was permanently canned, and Mr. Twitchell decided to make sleds instead of trouble. He should have known he was no match for Mother Nature, or a little girl like Holly. Next stop: Winnipeg. Nice town, plenty of parking space, and lots of cocoa.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Frosty Returns]]'' (1992)

=== ''Marvel Rising'' franchise ===

=== ''Thomas and Friends'' specials ===

* Emily was delighted. That night, the engines talked about steamies, diesels, and airplanes, and they all agreed that Tidmouth sheds was the best place to be.
** Who: The narrator
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Calling All Engines]]'' (2005)

* But we're ALL leaders of the track!
* And he couldn't have been happier!
** Who 1: Thomas
** Who 2: The narrator
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|The Great Discovery]]'' (2008)

* I know, Thomas. Thank you.
** Who: Hiro
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Hero of the Rails]]'' (2008)

* And everyone giggled and jiggled.
** Who: The narrator
* (post-credits:) You'll be laughing on the other side of your boilers soon, silly steamies! ''(evil laugh)'' Yes...
** Who: Diesel 10
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Misty Island Rescue]]'' (2010)
** Note: The latter aforementioned line leads into the events of ''Day of the Diesels''. 

* And the two best friends giggled and jiggled with joy.
** Who: The narrator
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Day of the Diesels]]'' (2011)

* And no engine whistled louder than Thomas and Luke!
** Who: The narrator
* (in-credits:) It's me!
** Who: Rheneas
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Blue Mountain Mystery]]'' (2012)

* Knights in Shining Armor, on your mark, get set, go!
** Who: Sir Robert Norramby
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|King of the Railway]]'' (2013)

* Percy was sad to say goodbye to his new friend, but he was happy that he had his old friends beside him.
** Who: The narrator
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Tale of the Brave]]'' (2014)

* But I'm not Mr. Coffee Pot, my name is Glynn.
** Who: Glynn
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|The Adventure Begins]]'' (2015)

* One, two, threeeeeeeee!!!
** Who: Scuba divers' captain
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Sodor's Legend of the Lost Treasure]]'' (2015)

* Good idea! You ''are'' clever. Sometimes.
** Who: Ashima
* (in-credits:) OVER HERE! I'M FULL OF SURPRISES...!
** Who: Diesel
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|The Great Race]]'' (2016)

* What did I miss?
** Who: Henry
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Journey Beyond Sodor]]'' (2017)

* Thomas?
** Who: Ace
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Big World! Big Adventures!]]'' (2018)

=== ''Winnie the Pooh'' specials ===

* No worry! Take your time! Yum, yum!
** Who: Winnie the Pooh
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh and the Honey Tree]]'' (1966)

* And Piglet, too!
** Who: Piglet
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh and the Blustery Day]]'' (1968)

* Come on, everybody! Bounce!
** Who: Rabbit
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh and Tigger Too]]'' (1974)

* Of course you are. Silly old bear.
** Who: Christopher Robin
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh and a Day for Eeyore]]'' (1983)

* And so it was the most thankful day of Thanksgiving, for of all the things we've had or ever liked, the grandest thing we shall ever have is one another... or so it was said, by a bear named Winnie the Pooh.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''A Winnie the Pooh Thanksgiving'' (1998)

* And so as winter changes into spring, which changes into summer, there are things which go on forever unchanging, such as the way a certain boy cares for a certain bear. And we will know for as long as we care to remember, that somewhere in that enchanted place, on top of the forest... a boy and his bear... will always be playing.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''Winnie the Pooh: A Valentine for You'' (1999)

=== ''Winx Club'' specials ===

* I AM A FAIRY!!!
** Who: Bloom
** Source: ''Winx Club: The Fate of Bloom'' (2011)

* The Trix took the Dragon Flame!
** Who: Bloom
** Source: ''Winx Club: Revenge of the Trix'' (2011)

* I don't know, but I guess we'll find out... together.
** Who: Sky
** Source: ''Winx Club: The Battle for Magix'' (2011)

* Get over here!
** Who: Bloom
** Source: ''Winx Club: The Shadow Phoenix'' (2011)

[[Category:Last lines|Animated films]]</text>
      <sha1>p905g047yazy6n7bswwzzlh4bb22rx2</sha1>
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    <revision>
      <id>3153866</id>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="85935" xml:space="preserve">== Animated films ==

* I'm not sure, exactly. But this world is ours now. It's what we make of it.
** Who: 9
** Source: ''[[9 (2009 animated film)|9]]'' (2009)

* Stop attacking me! Why do you always have to attack me now?! Sit, stay, sit!
** Who: King Llort
** Source: ''[[A Troll in Central Park]]'' (1994)

* No laughing. I’m serious.
** Who: Nai Nai
** Source: ''[[Abominable (2019 film)|Abominable]]'' (2019)

* Man, I'm getting out of here.
** Who: [[w:Bing Crosby|Bing Crosby]]
** Source: ''[[The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad]]'' (1949)

* Bye-bye!
** Who: Rocky
** Source: ''[[The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle]]'' (2000)

* He'll be back.
** Who: Charlie B. Barkin
** Source: ''[[All Dogs Go to Heaven]]'' (1989)

* Hey, guys! I worked a little magic.
** Who: David
** Source: ''[[All Dogs Go to Heaven 2]]'' (1996)

* Buh-bye!
** Who: Fievel and Tanya Mousekewitz
** Source: ''[[An American Tail]]'' (1986)

* I think one day you'll find... that you're the hero you've been lookin'for.
** Who: Wylie
** Source: ''[[An American Tail: Fievel Goes West]]'' (1991)

* Huh? Wow!
** Who: Fievel Mousekewitz
** Source: ''[[An American Tail: The Treasure of Manhattan Island]]'' (1998)

* Sweet dreams, my little Fievel. Sweet dreams.
** Who: Mama Mousekewitz
** Source: ''[[An American Tail: The Mystery of the Night Monster]]'' (1999)

* So long, everybody.
** Who: Bartok
** Source: ''[[Anastasia (1997 film)|Anastasia]]'' (1997)

* To the animals, it now seemed that their world, which may or may not some day become a happy place to live in, was worse than ever for ordinary creatures, and another moment had come when they must do something about it...
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Animal Farm (1954 film)|Animal Farm]]'' (1954)

* There you have it. Your average 'boy-meets-girl, boy-likes-girl, boy-changes-underlying-social-order' story. So, what else can I tell you? We rebuilt the colony - it's even better than before, you know, 'cause now it has a very large indoor swimming pool. Bala and I, incidentally, are thinking of starting a family. You know, just a few kids, maybe a million or two to begin with. And I'm, I'm workin' with a new therapist, you know, terrific, absolutely terrific. He's, he's been putting me in touch with my inner maggot, which is helping me a great deal. And, you know, I finally feel like I've found my place. And you know what? It's right back where I started. But the difference is, this time I chose it.
** Who: Z
** Source: ''[[Antz]]'' (1998)

* Wait a minute. I'm the leader. I'll say when it's the end. It's the end.
** Who: Napoleon
** Source: ''[[The Aristocats]]'' (1970)

* So long, folks.
** Who: Bartok
** Source: ''[[Bartok the Magnificent]]'' (1999)

* I am.
** Who: Andrea Beaumont
** Source: ''[[Batman: Mask of the Phantasm]]'' (1993)

* Tool.
** Who: Butt-head
** Source: ''[[Beavis and Butt-head Do America]]'' (1996)

* Between you and me, I was dying to get out of that office.
** Who: Barry Benson
* (post-credits:) I had virtually no rehearsal for that.
** Who: Barry Benson
** Source: ''[[Bee Movie]]'' (2007)

* We didn't set out to be superheroes... But sometimes, life doesn't go the way you planned. The good thing is, my brother wanted to help a lot of people, and that's what we're gonna do. Who are we?
** Who: Hiro Hamada
* (post-credits:) We have a lot to talk about.
** Who: Fred's Dad
** Source: ''[[Big Hero 6]]'' (2014) 

* Nope. I've never seen him before in my life.
** Who: A pigeon
** Source: ''[[Bolt (2008 film)|Bolt]]'' (2008)

* Yep.
** Who: Doli
** Source: ''[[The Black Cauldron (film)|The Black Cauldron]]'' (1985)

* Bye!
** Who: Steve and Blue
** Source: ''[[Blue's Big Musical Movie]]'' (2000)

* Yay! They're staying! Let's do this....
** Who: Scoop
** Source: ''[[Bob The Builder: Mega Machines The Movie]]'' (2017)

* Hi there, baby sister.
** Who: Timothy's daughter
* (mid-credits:) Okay.
** Who: Mrs. Templeton
* (post-credits:) Wake up, little halflings. It's time to leave. Go and live your peasant lives. BE GONE WITH YOU!
** Who: Wizzie
** Source: ''[[The Boss Baby]]'' (2017)

* There are those who say fate is something beyond our command. That destiny is not our own, but I know better. Our fate lives within us. You only have to be brave enough to see it.
** Who: Merida
* (post-credits:) Delivery! Sign here, sign here! Come on, birdbrain! Haven't got all day!
** Who: The Crow
** Source: ''[[Brave (2012 film)|Brave]]'' (2012)

* My brother Kenai went on to live with Koda and the other bears. He taught me that love is very powerful. And I passed on the wisdom of his story to our people. The story of a boy who became a man...by becoming a bear.
** Who: Old Denahi
* (post-credits) Cut, cut. Ooh.
** Who: Koda
** Source: ''[[Brother Bear]]'' (2003)

* Present stalks! Harvester, salute!
** Who: Thorny
* (in-credits:) Spinning a web of safety in less in 15... Ow!
** Who: P.T.
** Source: ''[[A Bug's Life]]'' (1998)

* TRA-LA-LAAAAAAAA!!!
** Who: Captain Underpants/Mr. Krupp
* (in-credits:) NO!
** Who: Secretary
** Source: ''[[Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie]]'' (2017)

* Get a picture, boys. These kids will be making history!
** Who: L.B. Mammoth
* Hmph!
** Who: Darla Dimple
** Source: ''[[Cats Don't Dance]]'' (1997)

* Wilbur never forgot Charlotte. Although he loved her children and grandchildren dearly, none of the new spiders ever quite took her place in his heart. She was in a class by herself. It's not often that someone comes along who's a true friend and a good writer. Charlotte was both.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Charlotte's Web (1973 film)|Charlotte's Web]]'' (1973)

*Oh, Ace!
**Who: Movie Abby
**Source: ''[[Chicken Little (2005 film)|Chicken Little]]'' (2005)

* Hang on. Let's go over this again?
** Who: Fetcher
* (in-credits:) I don't know.
** Who: Nick
** Source: ''[[Chicken Run]]'' (2000)

* Coco!
** Who: Héctor
** Source: ''[[Coco (2017 film)|Coco]]'' (2017)

* Well, so long, glamor boy!
** Who: Jim Crow
** Source: ''[[Dumbo]]'' (1941)

* I'm so proud of you guys.
** Who: Kronk
** Source: ''[[The Emperor's New Groove]]'' (2000)

* Oh, how cute.
** Who: Yzma
** Source: ''[[Kronk's New Groove]]'' (2005)

* To kindness and love, the things we need most!
** Who: [[w:The Grinch|The Grinch]]
** Source: ''[[The Grinch (film)|Dr. Seuss' The Grinch]]'' (2018)

* Well, come on, Baggy buddy! Let's get back to where we belong. And get with the beat!
** Who: Baloo
** Source: ''[[The Jungle Book (1967 film)|The Jungle Book]]'' (1967)

* Yeah, man!
** Who: Baloo
** Source: ''[[The Jungle Book 2]]'' (2003)

* And so, all ended well for both Horton and Whos. And for all in the jungle, even Kangaroos. So let that be a lesson to one and to all. A person's a person. No matter how small.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Horton Hears a Who! (film)|Dr. Seuss' Horton Hears a Who!]]'' (2008)

* You done good, Beanpole. You done good. By the way, nice mustache.
** Who: [[w:The Lorax|The Lorax]]
** Source: ''[[The Lorax (film)|Dr. Seuss' The Lorax]]'' (2012)

* Somebody! Stop those pants!
** Who: Scrooge McDuck
** Source: ''[[DuckTales|DuckTales the Movie: Treasure of the Lost Lamp]]'' (1990)

* Aw, shit cunt!
** Who: Spanky Ham
** Source: ''[[The Drawn Together Movie: The Movie!]]'' (2010)

* Go fish.
** Who: Smiler
** Source: ''[[The Emoji Movie]]'' (2017)

* Everyone together...
* La Familia Madrigal!
** Who: Abuela Alma Madrigal
** Who 2: The Madrigals
** Source: ''[[Encanto (film)|Encanto]]'' (2021)

* Mmm... that was a good toast.
** Who: Ash
** Source: ''[[Fantastic Mr. Fox (film)|Fantastic Mr. Fox]]'' (2009)

* Yeah, forever.
** Who: Copper
** Source: ''[[The Fox and the Hound]]'' (1981)

* Yeah. Well, good night, Willie. Don't slam the roof. You might wake Mr. Bergen.
** Who: Mortimer
** Source: ''[[Fun and Fancy Free]]'' (1947)

* Enchante, Madamoiselle!
** Who: Goofy
** Source: ''[[A Goofy Movie]]'' (1995)

* You know, somehow I knew you would. Ah-yuck!
** Who: Goofy
** Source: ''[[An Extremely Goofy Movie]]'' (2000)

* Arlo!
** Who: Momma Ida
** Source: ''[[The Good Dinosaur]]'' (2015)

* From that time on, Basil and I were a close team, and over the years we had many cases together. But I shall always look back on that first with the most fondness: My introduction to Basil of Baker Street: ''The Great Mouse Detective.''
** Who: Dawson
** Source: ''[[The Great Mouse Detective]]'' (1986)

* Yeah, things are looking up around here now.
** Who: Pokey
** Source: ''[[Gumby: The Movie]]'' (1995)

* That's Phil's boy!
** Who: The Strong Man
* (post-credits:) What d'ya say? It's happy ending time! Everybody's got a little taste of something, but me! I got nothin'! I'm, I'm here with nothin'! Anybody listenin'? It's like I'm... What am I, an echo or something? Hello? Hello? Am I talking to, what, hyperspace? Hello, it's me! Nobody listens.
** Who: Hades
** Source: ''[[Hercules (1997 film)|Hercules]]'' (1997)

* Show's over, Eugene.
** Who: Gerald Johanssen
** Source: ''[[Hey Arnold!: The Movie]]'' (2002)

* Everybody smile.
** Who: Lucy Tucci
** Source: ''[[Home (2015 film)|Home]]'' (2015) 

* Don't you ever migrate?
** Who: Laverne
* (post-credits:) Good night, everybody! Whoo-hoo-hoo!
** Who: Hugo
** Source: ''[[The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1996 film)|The Hunchback of Notre Dame]]'' (1996)

* And I love Quasimodo!!
** Who: Madellaine
** Source: ''[[The Hunchback of Notre Dame II]]'' (2002)

* We've been through a lot lately, that's for sure. But we still love our girl. She has great new friends, a great new house. Things couldn't be better. After all, Riley's twelve now. What could happen?
** Who: Joy
* (in-credits:) No! Not this again!
** Who: Bus Driver's Emotions
** Source: ''[[Inside Out (2015 film)|Inside Out]]'' (2015)

* See you later.
** Who: Hogarth Hughes
** Source: ''[[The Iron Giant]]'' (1999)

* I take it back.
** Who: Jane
** Source: ''[[Is It College Yet?]]'' (2002)

* Oh!
** Who: Helen
** Source: ''[[Is It Fall Yet?]]'' (2000)

* And that is exactly what you had just seen.
** Who: Old Man
** Source: ''[[James and the Giant Peach]]'' (1996)

* Ah, the fucking autopilot's broke!
** Who: Jay
** Source: ''[[Jay &amp; Silent Bob's Super Groovy Cartoon Movie]]'' (2013)

* Onward, Mr Wiggles. We reach the cafeteria by dawn. Waaaaah!
** Who: Ms. Winifred Fowl
** Source: ''[[Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius (film)|Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius]]'' (2001)

* Listen to them, Soren. They want more stories. Well, come on, you lot. Let's not disappoint them. Ah. There's a good storm brewing. And if we're lucky, I'll be chock full of baggywrinkles.
** Who: Ezylryb
** Source: ''[[Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole]]'' (2010)

* Never too big. You will always be my Little Bear.
** Who: Mother Bear
** Source: ''[[The Little Bear Movie]]'' (2001)

* That does it, Charlie Brown! He is your dog, and you're welcome to him.
** Who: Lucy Van Pelt
** Source: ''[[Snoopy, Come Home]]'' (1972)

* Let's go, bulls!
** Who: [[w:Bill Murray|Bill Murray]]
* (post-credits:) Can l go home now?
** Who: [[w:Michael Jordan|Michael Jordan]]
** Source: ''[[Space Jam]]'' (1996)

* Th-th-th-that's all, folks!
** Who: [[w:Porky Pig|Porky Pig]]
** Source: ''[[Space Jam: A New Legacy]]'' (2021)

* Nice work. See you tomorrow!
** Who: Director
* Go home, folks.
** Who: [[w:Porky Pig|Porky Pig]]
** Source: ''[[Looney Tunes: Back in Action]]'' (2003)

* WILMA!
** Who: [[w:Fred Flintstone|Fred Flintstone]]
** Source: ''[[The Man Called Flintstone]]'' (1966)

* In the state of Texas, USA, life still goes on in the same old way. The Pecos River still flows on, but the greatest cowboy on earth is gone. Yeah, Bill went back to the coyotes, but he never forgot Sue. Every night when the moon was high, he'd lift his voice in a mournful cry, bewailing the fate of his lady fair, his long-lost love in the sky up there. So painful was his grief to see, the varmints joined in out of sympathy. That's how come, to this very day, coyotes howl at the moon that way.
** Who: Roy Rogers
** Source: ''[[Melody Time]]'' (1948)

* Bravo, my friends! Our three heroes have finally made their dream come true. I think this calls for one more song!
** Who: Troubadour
** Source: ''[[Mickey, Donald, Goofy: The Three Musketeers]]'' (2004)

* Gee, thanks for letting us share our Christmas spirit with you. [laughs] Merry Christmas, everybody!
** Who: Mickey Mouse
** Source: ''[[w:Mickey's Magical Christmas: Snowed in the House of Mouse|Mickey's Magical Christmas: Snowed in at the House of Mouse]]'' (2001)

* Aw, phooey!
** Who: Donald Duck
** Source: ''[[Mickey's House of Villains]]'' (2002)

* So in the end, love is the reason that Christmas is more than a gift-giving season. It's a time with our loved ones to show that we care, When families and neighbors come together to share. So, this Christmas season, let us all do our parts To keep Christmas spirit alive in our hearts.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: '' ''[[Mickey's Once Upon a Christmas]]'' (1999)

* So, at last, Mickey learned what he'd missed from the start. Bells and holly mean little without friends in your heart. The magic of Christmas has its rhyme and its reason. We hope you and yours have a most joyous season.
** Who: Narrator
* Ho ho ho!
** Who: Santa Claus
** Source: '' ''[[Mickey's Twice Upon a Christmas]]'' (2004)

* Welcome home!
** Who: A villager
* (post-credits:) Didn't help me though, did it? Still upside down here. Just need a little push. Can we be real? If my name was Sebastian and I had a cool Jamacian accent, you'd totally help me. You would. You know you would.
** Who: Tamatoa 
** Source: ''[[Moana (2016 film)|Moana]]'' (2016)
** Note: He is last seen after the credits, where he is still trapped and struggling to get off his shell, but to no avail. He asks the audience for assistance, and sarcastically quips that if his name was &quot;Sebastian&quot; and he had a Jamaican accent, the audience would feel happy to help him out (the reference to the supporting character of the same name from Disney's [[w:The Little Mermaid (1989 film)|The Little Mermaid]]). It is unknown if he ever got back up or if he starved.

* Wait, wait, wait, wa-wa-wait?! You were dating Derek, too?! That two-timing jerk!
** Who: B.O.B.
* (mid-credits:) Time to wave the white flag and head for the bunker, boys. Let's check the situation in 500 years! Who wants to freeze my head?
** Who: President Hathaway
** Source: ''[[Monsters vs. Aliens]]'' (2009)

* Mushu!
** Who: Great Ancestor
** Source: ''[[Mulan (1998 film)|Mulan]]'' (1998)

* Does a hero dragon deserve anything less? Draw my bath! Warm my towels! Let the pampering begin!
** Who: Mushu
** Source: ''[[Mulan II]]'' (2004)

* Okay! That is the most awesome name ever!
** Who: Pinkie Pie
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: The Movie (2017 film)|My Little Pony: The Movie]]'' (2017)

* I can't think of anything better.
** Who: Madison
** Source: ''My Scene Goes Hollywood: The Movie'' (2005)

* And the moral of our story is...
** Who: Yakko Warner
** Source: ''Wakko's Wish'' (1999)

* What a delightful scoundrel.
** Who: Winston
** Source: ''[[Oliver &amp; Company]]'' (1988)

* Whoa-ho, yeah-ha!
** Who: Barley Lightfoot
** Source: ''[[Onward (film)|Onward]]'' (2020)

* Left foot, right foot... Ah, who needs feet when you got fins! Whoo-hoo!
** Who: Tanglefoot
** Source: ''[[Ooops! Noah Is Gone...]]'' (2015)

* Oh, well. Out with the old, in with the new, huh?
** Who: Frank Detorre
** Source: ''[[Osmosis Jones]]'' (2001)

* There's a secret between you and me, Baby.
** Who: Higgins
** Source: ''[[The Outback (2012 film)|The Outback]]'' (2012)

* Shoot!
** Who: RJ
** Source: ''[[Over the Hedge]]'' (2006)

* And Liberty!
** Who: Liberty
** Source: ''[[PAW Patrol: The Movie]]'' (2021)

* Wait, wait, wait!
** Who: Phineas Flynn
** Source: ''[[Phineas and Ferb the Movie: Across the 2nd Dimension]]'' (2011)

* Well, I'll be! Ho-ho-ho! My, my! Solid gold, too. Oh, I think it's swell.
** Who: Jiminy Cricket
** Source: ''[[Pinocchio (1940 film)|Pinocchio]]'' (1940)

* Godspeed, John.
** Who: Thomas
** Source: ''[[Pocahontas (1995 film)|Pocahontas]]'' (1995)

* At one time, most of my friends could hear the bell. But as years passed, it felt silent for all of them. Even Sarah found, one Christmas, that she could no longer hear its sweet sound. Though I've grown old, the bell still rings for me. As it does for all who truly believe.
** Who: Adult Hero Boy
** Source: ''[[The Polar Express]]'' (2004)

* Sure!
** Who: Evie and Tori
** Source: ''PollyWorld'' (2006)

* Sugar, spice, and everything nice. These were the ingredients chosen to create the perfect little girl. But, Professor Utonium accidentally added an extra ingredient to the concoction. Chemical X. Thus, Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup were born. Using their ultra-super powers, they've dedicated their lives to fighting crime, and the forces of evil. And so for the very first time the day is saved thanks to... the Powerpuff Girls! Hey, that's a good name for them! Powerpuff Girls! Yeah! I like that! Wonder if ''they will?'' I'll run it by them. Powerpuff Girls! Mmm-hmm.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Powerpuff Girls Movie]]'' (2002)

* Well, I waited this long.
** Who: Charlotte LaBouff
** Source: ''[[The Princess and the Frog]]'' (2009)

* Yeah!
** Who: Background character
* (mid-credits 1) And gullible. I forgot to mention gullible.
** Who: [[w:Lucy|Lucy]]
* (mid-credits 2) A round of root beer for our hero the Flying Ace.
** Who: [[w:Marcie|Marcie]]
** Source: ''[[The Peanuts Movie]]'' (2015)

* Well done, Ayden.
** Who: Merlin
** Source: ''[[Quest for Camelot]]'' (1998)

* (theatrical version:) Rango!
** Who: The Mariachi Owls
* (extended version:) My fellow comrades. There will be times when you doubt yourself. When you feel pummeled by the catalclysms of life, remember this moment. Remember me. Know that I will be there, watching you... sometimes at inappropriate moments. That's part of the deal. And remember, that within all of us resides the true Spirit of We- Woah! Let's take it from the top.
** Who: Rango
** Source: ''[[Rango (2011 film)|Rango]]'' (2011)

* Hey, believe me, that story gets better when I tell it, okay? Come on! Bring some food over here, we're starving!
** Who: Django
** Source: ''[[Ratatouille]]'' (2007)

* Ba, welcome to Kumandra.
** Who: Raya
** Source: ''[[Raya and the Last Dragon]]'' (2021)

* Oh we're not late. We'll never going to be late again.
** Who: Rigby
** Source: ''[[Regular Show: The Movie]]'' (2015)

* Aw, phooey! Phooey!
** Who: Robert Benchley
** Source: ''[[The Reluctant Dragon (1941 film)|The Reluctant Dragon]]'' (1941)

* My name is Jack Frost, and I'm a Guardian. How do I know that? Because the Moon told me so. So when the Moon tells you something... ''believe it''.
** Who: Jack Frost
** Source: ''[[Rise of the Guardians]]'' (2012)

* Chel, we're not on the horse!
** Who: Tulio
** Source: ''[[The Road to El Dorado]]'' (2000)

* Well, folks, that's the way it really happened.
** Who: [[w:Alan-a-Dale|Allan-a-Dale]]
** Source: ''[[Robin Hood (1973 film)|Robin Hood]]'' (1973)

* Wait a minute, wait a minute! I-I-I was on the list! Come on, don't you know who I am? Wait! Whoa!
** Who: Tim the Gate Guard
** Source: ''[[Robots (2005 film)|Robots]]'' (2005)

* Hey, Edmond!
** Who: Chanticleer
** Source: ''[[Rock-a-Doodle]]'' (1991)

* As long as we're together. I'm ready to get baked and do anything.
** Who: Brenda
** Source: ''[[Sausage Party]]'' (2016)

* Thank you, Max.
** Who: Duke
* (mid-credits:) I'm home, Leonard. Were you a good boy, Leonard?
** Who: Leonard's Owner
* (post-credits:) All right, party's over!
** Who: Pops
** Source: ''[[The Secret Life of Pets]]'' (2016)

* Bye bye, momma and dada.
** Who: Liam
* (mid-credits:) Snowball, I'm back!
** Who: Molly
* (post-credits:) Okay. Moment's over.
** Who: Rooster
** Source: ''[[The Secret Life of Pets 2]]'' (2019)

* Oh, no!
** Who: Martin
** Source: ''[[The Secret of NIMH]]'' (1982)

* You got served!
** Who: The Shrimp
* Did somebody say CRAZY?!
** Who: Crazy Joe
* What you doing? Go on, get outta here! Go home! It's past your bedtime!
** Who: Mrs. Sanchez
** Source: ''[[Shark Tale]]'' (2004)

* Thanks, boy. Steady. Whoo-hoo!
** Who: Homer Simpson
* (mid-credits:) Smithers, I don't believe in suicides, but if you like to try, it would cheer me up to watch.
** Who: Mr. Burns
* (mid-credits 2:) This is Tom Hanks saying if you see me in person, please leave me be.
** Who: ''[[w:Tom Hanks|Tom Hanks]]''
* (in-credits:) Sequel?
** Who: Maggie Simpson
* (post-credits:) Four years of film school for this?
** Who: Squeaky-Voiced Teen
** Source: ''[[The Simpsons Movie]]'' (2007)

* All creatures great and small, welcome to the New Moon Theater!
** Who: Buster Moon
** Source: ''[[Sing (2016 film)|Sing]]'' (2016)

* Blue!
** Who: Merryweather
** Source: ''[[Sleeping Beauty]]'' (1957)

* Pro: if you go down there you'll meet lots of people. Con: Uh, you're not really a people person. Ugh, this is torture!
** Who: Fleem 
* (mid-credits:) Okay in 3, 2... On the next episode of... Wait am I missing a tooth?
** Who: Percy Patterson
** Source: ''[[Smallfoot (film)|Smallfoot]]'' (2018) 

* Blue cheese!
** Who: Everyone 
* (in-credits:) Am I going mad, Azrael? For the last time, get them to shut off this music!
** Who: [[w:Gargamel|Gargamel]]
** Source: ''[[Smurfs: The Lost Village]]'' (2017)

* Goodbye!
** Who: [[w:Snow White (Disney character)|Snow White]]
** Source: ''[[Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs]]'' (1937)

* Look!
** Who: Kyle Broflovski
* (post-credits:) Guys out there is hurted.
** Who: Ike Broflovski
** Source: ''[[South Park: Bigger, Longer &amp; Uncut]]'' (1999)

* I think I can handle it.
** Who: Chihiro Ogino (Sen)
** Source: ''[[Spirited Away]]'' (2001)
** Note: This line (per above) was heard in the English dub. The original Japanese dub's final line is &quot;Chihiro, let's get to our new home.&quot;

* Miles! Miles! Do you have a minute?
** Who: Gwen Stacy / Spider-Gwen
* You haven't seen pointing until I'm finished with you!
* You're accusing me of pointing while you're...!
** Who 1: Peter Parker / 1967 Spider-Man
** Who 2: Miguel O'Hara / 2099 Spider-Man
** Source: ''[[Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse]]'' (2018)

* You think you could handle them? They're not exactly easy to get along with.
** Who: Steven
** Source: ''[[Steven Universe: The Movie]]'' (2019)

* You love it.
** Who: Tulip
** Source: ''[[Storks (film)|Storks]]'' (2016)

* We did it. We really did it! Woo-hoo! Come on, guys! Yeah!
** Who: Richard
** Source: ''[[A Stork’s Journey]]'' (2017)

* Well, uh.... that's something like television. Without commercials.
** Who: Merlin
** Source: ''[[The Sword in the Stone (film)|The Sword in the Stone]]'' (1963)

* Yes, we are.
** Who: [[w:Flynn Rider|Eugene Fitzherbert]]
** Source: ''[[Tangled]]'' (2010)

* Ooo-ooo-ee-ah-ooo.
** Who: Jane Porter
** Source: ''[[Tarzan (1999 film)|Tarzan]]'' (1999)

* Woof!
** Who: Spot Helperman
** Source: ''[[Teacher's Pet (2004 film)|Teacher's Pet]]'' (2004)

* Wait, wait, wait, wait, WAIT! KIDS, ASK YOUR PARENTS WHERE BABIES COME FROM!
** Who: 2013 Robin
* (mid-credits:) This is the ''[[Teen Titans (TV series)|Teen Titans]]''! Can anyone hear us? We think we found a way back!
** Who: 2003 Robin
* Challengers! I believe we may have missed the motion picture!
** Who: Unknown Challenger
** Source: ''[[Teen Titans Go! To the Movies]]'' (2018)

* Avengers! Assemble!
** Who: James Rogers
** Source: ''Next Avengers: Heroes of Tomorrow'' (2008)

* And of course, they lived happily ever after.
** Who: Jacquimo
** Source: ''[[Thumbelina (1994 film)|Thumbelina]]'' (1994)

* We live together, we train together, we fight together, we stand for good, together. We are Ninjas. We strike hard, defend, protect and fade into the night. And there ain't no bad guy or monster gonna ever change that: That's what's important. And that's why we'll always be brothers. Oh, I love bein' a turtle.
** Who: [[w:Raphael (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Raphael]]
** Source: ''[[TMNT (film)|TMNT]]'' (2007)

* Tom! Jerry! Welcome to your new home!
** Who: Robyn Starling
** Source: ''[[Tom and Jerry: The Movie]]'' (1992)

* Til All Are One!, Till All Are One!, Till All Are One!
** Who: The Autobots
** Source: ''[[The Transformers: The Movie]]'' (1986)

* Up high!
** Who: Cloud Guy
* (in-credits:) But wait, wait, wait.
** Who: Creek
** Source: ''[[Trolls (film)|Trolls]]'' (2016)
** Note: After Poppy and the other Trolls make peace with the Bergens, Creek, along with Chef is knocked out of the Bergen castle. Chef then betrays Creek by trying to eat him, but before this can happen, both are eaten alive by a hill monster.

* Glitter!
** Who: Queen Barb
* (in-credits:) But who gonna eat my cheese balls, babe?
** Who: King Gristle, Jr.
** Source: ''[[Trolls World Tour]]'' (2020)

* And it looks like the winner is...
** Who: Sports Announcer
** Source: ''[[Turbo (film)|Turbo]]'' (2013)

* We've all got an inner beast. We've all got a messy, loud, weird part of ourselves hidden away. And a lot of us never let it out. But I did. How about you?
** Who: Mei Lee
** Source: ''[[Turning Red]]'' (2022)

* She's gonna be so excited.
** Who: Father of Moxy's owner
** Source: ''[[Uglydolls]]'' (2019)

* Another blue one.
** Who: Russell
** Source: ''[[Up (2009 film)|Up]]'' (2009)

* Cheeeeeeeeeese!
** Who: Hutch the Rabbit
** Source: ''[[Wallace &amp; Gromit in The Curse of the Were-Rabbit|Wallace &amp; Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit]]'' (2005)

* This is called farming! You kids are gonna grow all kinds of plants! Vegetable plants, pizza plants! Oh, it's good to be home!
** Who: Captain B. McCrea
** Source: ''[[WALL-E]]'' (2008)

* Gotcha!
** Who: Alex
** Source: ''[[Walking with Dinosaurs (film)|Walking with Dinosaurs]]'' (2013)

* All the world will be your enemy, Prince of a Thousand enemies. And when they catch you, they will kill you. But first they must catch you; digger, listener, runner, Prince with the swift warning. Be cunning, and full of tricks, and your people will never be destroyed.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Watership Down (film)|Watership Down]]'' (1978)

* Alright, guys, let's eat! I'm gonna do syrup and honey.
** Who: Grizzly Bear
** Source: ''[[We Bare Bears: The Movie]]'' (2020)

* Nick!
** Who: Flash
* (in-credits:) Come on! Shake your tails with me, come on! Yeah!
** Who: Gazelle
** Source: ''[[Zootopia]]'' (2016)

=== ''101 Dalmatians'' film series ===

* I'm hungry, mother.
** Who: Roley
** Source: ''[[One Hundred and One Dalmatians]]''

* Say &quot;spots!&quot;
** Who: Photographer
** Source: ''[[101 Dalmatians II: Patch's London Adventure]]''

=== ''Alvin and the Chipmunks'' animated movies'' ===
* Alvin!
** Who: Dave Seville
** Source: ''[[The Chipmunk Adventure]]'' (1987)

* How does that song go again?
** Who: Dr. Frankenstein
** Source: ''Alvin and the Chipmunks Meet Frankenstein'' (1999)

* Us? Wild?
** Who: Alvin
** Source: ''Alvin and the Chipmunks Meet the Wolfman'' (2000)

=== ''[[The Angry Birds Movie]]'' film series ===

* Guys! No!
** Who: Red
* (mid-credits:) Whoa!
** Who: Jay, Jake, and Jim
** Source: ''[[The Angry Birds Movie]]'' (2016)

* Jinx! Jinx! Jinx!
** Who: Chuck and Silver
* (in-credits:) Bye-bye.
** Who: Zoe's sister
** Source: ''[[The Angry Birds Movie 2]]'' (2019)

=== ''[[Aladdin]]'' film series ===

* Made ya look.
** Who: Genie
* (post-credits, special edition only:) You have been a fabulous audience! Tell you what, you're the best audience in the whole world. Take care of yourselves! Good night, Alice! Good night, Agrabah! Adios, amigos!
** Who: Genie
** Source: ''[[Aladdin (1992 Disney film)|Aladdin]]'' (1992)

* Does this mean I don't get my third wish?
** Who: Abis Mal
** Source: ''[[The Return of Jafar]]'' (1994)

* Wait a minute. We're not gettin' outta here, man! We're not gettin' outta here! Don't ya understand it, man? This is it, game's over, man!
** Who: Genie
** Source: ''[[Aladdin and the King of Thieves]]'' (1996)

=== ''Bambi'' film series ===

* Well, I don't believe I've ever seen a more likely looking pair of fawns. Prince Bambi ought to be mighty proud.
** Who: Friend Owl
** Source: ''[[Bambi]]'' (1942)

* Actually, I was a lot like you.
** Who: The Great Prince of the Forest
** Source: ''[[Bambi II]]'' (2006)

=== ''Barbie'' film series ===

* I always knew you could.
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie in the Nutcracker'' (2001)

* When you do that, you'll never go wrong.
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie as Rapunzel'' (2002)

* Wouldn't miss it.
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie of Swan Lake'' (2003)

* And, of course, Wolfie and Serafina lived happily ever after. Along with their many, many, many kittens.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''Barbie as The Princess and the Pauper'' (2004)

* I can't believe it! I'm flying!
** Who: Elina
** Source: ''Barbie: Fairytopia'' (2005)

* I'm trying!
** Who: Blush
** Source: ''Barbie and the Magic of Pegasus'' (2005)

* Secret seaweed, huh? Oh, that is clever of you to remember that!
** Who: Dandilion
** Source: ''Barbie Fairytopia: Mermaidia'' (2006)

* Yes, Papa. I'm finally on time for something.
** Who: Genevieve
** Source: ''Barbie in the 12 Dancing Princesses'' (2006)

* Goodbye, Elina! I know you look forward to seeing me again!
** Who: Fabien
** Source: ''Barbie Fairytopia: Magic of the Rainbow'' (2007)

* (gasps) A princess!
** Who: Tika
** Source: ''Barbie as the Island Princess'' (2007)

* Bye-bye! Whee!
** Who: A Flutterpixie
** Source: ''Barbie: Mariposa'' (2008)

* Now, where were we?
* ''[singing]'' Oh-whoa-oh. Two voices, one song...
** Who: Barbie and Teresa
** Source: ''Barbie and the Diamond Castle'' (2008)

* I think that would be amazing, Kelly.
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie in A Christmas Carol'' (2008)

* Right now, I've got somewhere else to be!
** Who: Corrinne
** Source: ''Barbie and the Three Musketeers'' (2008)
 
* Oopsie! Guess old habits die hard...girlfriend!
** Who: Raquelle
** Source: ''Barbie: A Fairy Secret'' (2011)

* Come on. I wanna introduce you to everyone!
** Who: Blair Willows/Princess Sophia
** Source: ''Barbie: Princess Charm School'' (2011)

* Merry Christmas!
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie: A Perfect Christmas'' (2011)

* Meribella! Put your hands up for me! Come on!
** Who: Keira
** Source: ''Barbie: The Princess &amp; The Popstar'' (2012)

* Come on, let's go!
** Who: Kristyn Farraday
** Source: ''Barbie In The Pink Shoes'' (2013)

* OK! Now, who's got the boarding passes?
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie and her Sisters: In a Pony Tale'' (2013)

* What on earth?
** Who: Bookhurst
** Source: ''Barbie and the Secret Door'' (2014)

* One, two, three, four!
** Who: Erika Juno
** Source: ''Barbie in Rock 'n Royals'' (2015)

* And thanks to Barbie, who was the one after all, everyone lived happily ever after.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''Barbie: Star Light Adventure'' (2016)

* How about you show me those moves?
** Who: Lindsey
** Source: ''Barbie &amp; Her Sisters in A Puppy Chase'' (2016)

* Look!
** Who: Chelsea
** Source: ''Barbie Dolphin Magic'' (2017)

* She's right. Barbie, I can't hold back any longer. I think I... wanna dance with you.
** Who: Ken
** Source: ''Barbie Princess Adventure'' (2020)

* New York! Emmie here, coming at you live from Times Square to announce the winner of the Spotlight Solo! Put your hands together for my friends, Barbie Roberts and Barbie Roberts! Otherwise known as Malibu and Brooklyn, the winners of the Spotlight Solo!
** Who: Emmie
** Source: ''Barbie: Big City, Big Dreams'' (2021)

=== ''[[w:Beauty and the Beast (franchise)|Beauty and the Beast]]'' film series ===

* Do I still have to sleep in the cupboard?
** Who: Chip Potts
** Source: ''[[Beauty and the Beast (1991 film)|Beauty and the Beast]]'' (1991)

* I'd be delighted.
** Who: Fife
** Source: ''[[w:Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas|Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas]]'' (1997)

* And it begins, uh, Lumiere, with trust. Where, with mutual respect, as I have always said all relationships must be firmly based on that. One must build on a firm foundation of trust and respect in order to flourish and flow; nourish and grow. Always attentive to the needs of the other and honesty, utter honesty is the key on which...
** Who: Cogsworth
** Source: ''[[w:Belle's Magical World|Belle's Magical World]]'' (1998)

=== ''Bratz'' film series ===

* It was original, captivating, stylized, and told me so much about each one of you. You're all getting A+'s!
** Who: Mr. Del Rio
** Source: ''Bratz: Starrin' &amp; Stylin'' (2004)

* We’re the girls..
* With the passion for fashion!
* And...
* We...
* Rock!
** Who: Jade, Cloe, Yasmin and Sasha
** Source: ''Bratz Rock Angelz'' (2005)

* Please, call me Henry, all right?
** Who: Gordon Murph
** Source: ''Bratz Babyz: The Movie'' (2006)

* So, after all that work and practice, we discovered that we were really good at a lot of different things. But, what we're best at is being best friends. By helping Anna win the contest, we all ended up winners and we felt like stars!
** Who: Sasha
** Source: ''Bratz Girlz Really Rock'' (2008)

=== ''Care Bears'' film series ===

* Care for me, Mrs. Cherrywood. Just care for me.
** Who: Mr. Cherrywood
** Source: ''[[The Care Bears Movie]]'' (1985)

* Yes, sir! Everything was back to the way it was. But, as always, it was just a little bit different, a little bit better, and a little bit more special—thanks to the Care Bears, the Care Bear Cousins, and thanks to... ''(laughs)'' Well, you all know who you are. I thank my lucky Stars that there are people out there like you who really do care. You're not afraid to share your feelings—and that, my friends, makes you all world-class Care Bear Champs!
** Who: The Great Wishing Star
** Source: ''[[Care Bears Movie II: A New Generation]]'' (1986)

* Goodbye!
** Who: The Care Bears
** Source: ''Care Bears: Journey to Joke-a-lot'' (2004)

* Twinkers, did you hear? Too Loud Bear finally got your name right!
** Who: Wish Bear
** Source: ''The Care Bears' Big Wish Movie'' (2005)

* You bet!
** Who: Cheer Bear
** Source: ''Care Bears: Oopsy Does It!'' (2007)

* Oopsy.
** Who: Oopsy Bear
** Source: ''Care Bears: To the Rescue'' (2010)

*Let's get this Giving Festival started!
** Who: Princess Starglo
** Source: ''Care Bears: The Giving Festival'' (2010)

*Later, gators, I've got stars to make!
** Who: Princess Starglo
** Source: ''Care Bears: Share Bear Shines'' (2011)

=== ''[[w:Cars (franchise)|Cars]]'' film series ===

* Yeah! Ka-chow!
** Who: Lightning McQueen
* (in-credits) Wait a minute here. They're just using the [[w:John Ratzenberger|same actor]] over and over. [[w:Pixar|What kind of a cut-rate production is this?!]]
** Who: Mack
* (post-credits:) No! There's an on-ramp close! I know it! I can feel it! Ah-ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
** Who: [[w:List_of_Cars_characters#Van and Minny|Van]]
** Source: ''[[Cars (film)|Cars]]'' (2006)

* Not if I see you first!
** Who: [[w:Mater (Cars)|Tow Mater]]
** Source: ''[[Cars 2]]'' (2011)

* Go!
** Who: Luigi
* (post-credits:) Hey, McQueen! You still there? McQueen! Ugh. Technology.
** Who: [[w:Mater (Cars)|Tow Mater]]
** Source: ''[[Cars 3]]'' (2017)

* Ha-ha, you're on!
** Who: Skipper
** Source: ''[[Planes (film)]]'' (2013)

* Ladies and gentleplanes! Turn your attention to the skies for today's featured aerial presentation! The Propwash Junction Corn Fest is proud to present the Piston Peak Air Attack team, and our very own world champion racer and firefighter, Dusty Crophopper!
** Who: Chug
* (in-credits:) Welcome to Death Valley National Park. Is it hot? ''(laughs weezily)'' Yes, it is.
** Who: Cad Spinner
* (post-credits:) Yay!
** Who: Drip
** Source: ''[[Planes: Fire &amp; Rescue]]'' (2014)

=== ''[[w:Cinderella (franchise)|Cinderella]]'' film series ===

* But, you see, I have the other slipper.
** Who: [[w:Cinderella (Disney character)|Cinderella]]
** Source: ''[[Cinderella (1950 film)|Cinderella]]'' (1950)

* Once upon a time, there was a big castle... and in this castle lived a prince and a princess...
** Who: Cinderella
** Source: ''[[Cinderella II: Dreams Come True]]'' (2002)

* And they lived happily ever after... again.
** Who: Cinderella
** Source: ''[[Cinderella III: A Twist in Time]]'' (2007)

=== ''[[w:The Croods (franchise)|The Croods]]'' film series ===

* Duh-duh-duh!
** Who: Belt and Sandy Crood
** Source: ''[[The Croods]]'' (2013)

* Dad was right after all, we were stronger together.
** Who: Eep Crood
** Source: ''[[The Croods: A New Age]]'' (2020)

=== ''[[w:DC Universe Animated Original Movies|DC Universe Animated Original Movies]]'' ===

* In other news, Gotham's mysterious defender...the Batman, was seen last night helping police apprehend the leaders...of an underworld, gun-running operation...
** Who: Summer Gleason
** Source: ''[[Batman and Mr. Freeze: Subzero]]'' (1998)
* Hi, old man.
** Who: Tim Drake
** Source: ''[[Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker]]'' (2000)
* Well, maybe an explosion now and then.
** Who: Kathy Duquesne
** Source: ''[[Batman: Mystery of the Batwoman]]'' (2003)
* If history has determined that gods can die... ...it has also proven that they may return from the dead. It would seem you can't be destroyed after all, Superman. It would seem.
** Who: Lex Luthor
** Source: ''[[Superman: Doomsday]]'' (2007)
* The pioneers gave up their safety, their comfort, and sometimes their lives to build our new west. They were determined to make the new world strong and free - an example to the world. Some would say that those struggles are all over. That all the horizons have been explored. That all the battles have been won. That there is no longer an American frontier. And we stand today on the edge of a new frontier. The frontier of unknown opportunities and perils. Beyond that frontier are uncharted areas of science. Unsolved problems of peace and war. Unconquered pockets of ignorance and prejudice. I'm asking each of you to be pioneers towards that New Frontier. My call is to the young in heart, regardless of age. Can we carry through in an age where we will witness not only new breakthroughs in weapons of destruction, but also a race for mastery of the sky and the rain, the ocean and the tides, the far side of space, and the inside of men's minds? All mankind waits upon out decision. A whole world waits to see what we shall do. And we cannot fail that trust, and we cannot fail to try.
** Who: John F. Kennedy
** Source: ''[[Justice League: The New Frontier]]'' (2008)

* Sir?
** Who: Alfred Pennyworth
** Source: ''[[Batman: Gotham Knight]]'' (2008)

* Look! It's Wonder Woman!
** Who: Little girl
** Source: ''[[Wonder Woman (2009 film)|Wonder Woman]]'' (2009)

* I've gotta go punch a clock with my other boss. I can see where this is gonna be a long commute.
** Who: Hal Jordan
** Source: ''[[Green Lantern: First Flight]]'' (2009)

* &quot;Late&quot;? Come on, it's... ...early.
** Who: Superman
** Source: ''[[Superman/Batman: Public Enemies]]'' (2009)

* I'm glad you agree. I've been thinking about a membership drive.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths]]'' (2010)

* It feels awesome! Check me out! I'm Robin, the Boy wonder! Are you kidding me? This rocks. Come on, old man, we've got bad guys who need chasing. This is the best day of my life.
** Who: Young Jason Todd/Robin
** Source: ''[[Batman: Under the Red Hood]]'' (2010)

* Hey.
** Who: Superman
** Source: ''[[Superman/Batman: Apocalypse]]'' (2010)

* He's not dead. He's up there fixing the sun. And when he's done, he'll be back.
** Who: Lois Lane
** Source: ''[[All-Star Superman (film)|All-Star Superman]]'' (2011)

* We got a new home to build. Come on. I'll tell you about the time I took on an army of Manhunters and my only backup was this squirrel.
** Who: Hal Jordan
** Source: ''[[Green Lantern: Emerald Knights]]'' (2011)

* Barbara's not crazy about the marriage counselor, but we're making progress. As for me, well, there's a real panic on. Somebody has threatened to poison the Gotham reservoir. He calls himself the Joker. I've got a friend coming who might be able to help. He should be here any minute.
** Who: Lieutenant James Gordon
** Source: ''[[Batman: Year One (film)|Batman: Year One]]'' (2011)

* I do have a plan! It's called the Justice League.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[Justice League: Doom]]'' (2012)

* Can we go so I can kiss you now?
** Who: Lois Lane
** Source: ''[[Superman vs. The Elite]]'' (2012)

* Ba-Batman... Darling!
** Who: Joker
** Source: [[Batman: The Dark Knight Returns (film)|''Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, Part One'']] (2012)

* I spent 10 years looking for a good death. This... This'll be a good life. Good enough.
** Who: Bruce Wayne
** Source: [[Batman: The Dark Knight Returns (film)|''Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, Part Two'']] (2013)

* Marry me.
** Who: Clark Kent
** Source: ''[[Superman: Unbound]]'' (2013)

* You're one helluva messenger. Thank you.
** Who: Bruce Wayne
** Source: ''[[Justice League: The Flashpoint Paradox]]'' (2013)

* The surface dwellers have killed our king. This is an act of war and they will pay.
** Who: Prince Orm
** Source: ''[[Justice League: War]]'' (2014)

* No.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[Son of Batman]]'' (2014)

* Bang.
** Who: Deadshot
** Source: ''[[Batman: Assault on Arkham]]'' (2014)

* I am Lex Luthor. I have a proposition for you.
** Who: Lex Luthor
** Source: ''[[Justice League: Throne of Atlantis]]'' (2015)

* Sometimes, Alfred... ...you have to have a little faith.
** Who: Bruce Wayne
** Source: ''[[Batman vs. Robin]]'' (2015)

* Time to look ahead, Kirk. You know what they say. The past is like another planet.
** Who: Superman
** Source: ''[[Justice League: Gods and Monsters]]'' (2015)

* Master Bruce is having a heart-to-heart with Damian. One can't help feeling bad. Despite her madness, she was his mother.
** Who: Alfred Pennyworth
** Source: ''[[Batman: Bad Blood]]'' (2016)

* Raven, release me. You're too weak to keep me in here, you filthy witch! I'll get out! I'll kill everyone you love. RAVEN!!!
** Who: Trigon
** Source: ''[[Justice League vs. Teen Titans]]'' (2016)

* Yeah, Dad, I just got back from the lacrosse game. Going to practice some Wallball this weekend. Getting pretty good. Maybe another night, Dad, I got plans tonight. I can't help it if your daughter's so popular. I'll talk to you, later. Right then, back to work.
** Who: Barbara Gordon / Oracle
** Source: ''[[Batman: The Killing Joke (film)|Batman: The Killing Joke]]'' (2016)

* Now, that's what I call making yourself useful, love.
** Who: John Constantine
** Source: ''[[Justice League Dark (film)|Justice League Dark]]'' (2017)

* I talk to the dead. For no matter how rotted the corpse, there's always a tiny wisp of life left.
** Who: Brother Blood
** Source: ''[[Teen Titans: The Judas Contract]]'' (2017)

* Aw... Ain't that a shame? Wendel is headed back to his crummy house and all those cats without getting the help he so desperately needs. Oh, well, that's it for today's show. Till next time, folks. Be good to yourselves. 'Cause everyone else in the world is probably out to get you. Bye-bye!
** Who: Dr. Harleen Quinzel
** Source: ''[[Batman and Harley Quinn]]'' (2017)

* It was all phony anyway. We'll make something new. Something better.
** Who: Dickie
** Source: ''[[Batman: Gotham by Gaslight]]'' (2018)

* I'll be seeing you, Waller. Maybe in heaven.
** Who: Deadshot
** Source: ''[[Suicide Squad: Hell to Pay]]'' (2018)

* Superman?
** Who: Jimmy Olsen
** Source: ''[[The Death of Superman (film)|The Death of Superman]]'' (2018)

* Okay, who left the front door open?
** Who: Green Lantern
** Source: ''[[Reign of the Supermen (film)|Reign of the Supermen]]'' (2019)

* Jessica Cruz. It's an honor.
** Who: Brainiac 5
** Source: ''[[w:Justice League vs. the Fatal Five|Justice League vs. the Fatal Five]]'' (2019)

* Someday.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[w:Batman: Hush (film)|Batman: Hush]]'' (2019)

* You think I'm intimidated? I've won. I'm coming for you, Wonder Woman. Do you hear me, Wonder Woman? I am coming for you!
** Who: Veronica Cale
** Source: ''[[w:Wonder Woman: Bloodlines|Wonder Woman: Bloodlines]]'' (2019)

* I kind of like that last option.
** Who: Lois Lane
** Source: ''[[w:Superman: Red Son (film)|Superman: Red Son]]'' (2020)

* And some of those changes may be shite. And we may make the same mistakes again. It won't be perfect... but it'll be a long sight better than what we got now.
** Who: John Constantine
** Source: ''[[w:Justice League Dark: Apokolips War|Justice League Dark: Apokolips War]]'' (2020)

=== ''[[w:Despicable Me (franchise)|Despicable Me]]'' film series ===

* No, I'm fine. Go ahead. No, no, no!
** Who: Gru
* (post-credits:) I am Gru. Back to work! Back to work! Back to...
** Who: Kevin
** Source: ''[[Despicable Me]]'' (2010)

* I'm so happy!
** Who: Agnes Gru
** Source: ''[[Despicable Me 2]]'' (2013)

* Come on, He's my brother. We'll give him a 5 minute head start.
** Who: Felonious Gru
** Source: ''[[Despicable Me 3]]'' (2017)

* Freeze ray!
** Who: Felonious Gru
** Source: ''[[Minions (film)|Minions]]'' (2015)

=== ''[[w:Fantasia (franchise)|Fantasia]]'' film series ===

* The last number in our ''Fantasia'' program is a combination of two pieces of music so utterly different in construction and mood that they set each other off perfectly. The first is ''A Night On Bald Mountain'', by one of Russia's greatest composers, Modest Mussorgsky. The second is Franz Schubert's world-famous ''Ave Maria''. Musically and dramatically, we have here a picture of the struggle between the profane and the sacred. Bald Mountain, according to tradition, is the gathering place of Satan and his followers. Here on ''Walpurgisnacht'', which is the equivalent of our own Halloween, the creatures of evil gather to worship their master. Under his spell, they dance furiously until the coming of dawn and the sounds of church bells send the infernal army slinking back into their abodes of darkness. And then we hear the Ave Maria, with its message of the triumph of hope and life over the powers of despair and death.
** Who: [[w:Deems Taylor|Deems Taylor]]
** Source: ''[[Fantasia (1940 film)|Fantasia]]'' (1940)

* Camera back on me. Uh, camera back on me, please. Anyone? Hello? Hello? Could someone give me a ride home?
** Who: [[Steve Martin]]
** Source: ''[[Fantasia 2000]]'' (2000)

=== ''[[w:Finding Nemo (franchise)|Finding Nemo]]'' film series ===

* Bye, son.
** Who: Marlin
* (pre-credits:) Now what?
** Who: Bloat
** Source: ''[[Finding Nemo]]'' (2003)

* Yep. Unforgettable.
** Who: Dory
* (post-credits:) Now what?
** Who: Bloat
** Source: ''[[Finding Dory]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:Frozen (franchise)|Frozen]]'' film series ===

* That's it. Glide and pivot. Glide and pivot.
** Who: Olaf
** Source: ''[[Frozen (2013 film)|Frozen]]'' (2013)

* Ready?
** Who: Elsa
* (post-credits:) Oh. We live! We live! Good story.
** Who: Marshmallow 
** Source: ''[[Frozen II]]'' (2019)

=== ''[[w:Happy Feet (franchise)|Happy Feet]]'' film series ===

* Gracias.
** Who: Ramón
** Source: ''[[Happy Feet]]'' (2006)

* Ja, The Svened.
** Who: The Mighty Sven
** Source: ''[[Happy Feet Two]]'' (2011)

=== ''[[w:Hotel Transylvania (franchise)|Hotel Transylvania]]'' film series ===

* Alright, maybe just a little.
** Who: Dracula
* (in-credits) I didn't do that.
** Who: Elderly Gremlin
** Source: ''[[Hotel Transylvania|Hotel Transylvania]]'' (2012)

* I didn't do that.
** Who: Elderly Gremlin
** Source: ''[[Hotel Transylvania 2]]'' (2015)

* Yes!
** Who: Ericka van Helsing
** Source: ''[[Hotel Transylvania 3: Summer Vacation]]'' (2018)

=== ''[[w:Hoodwinked!|Hoodwinked!]]'' film series ===

* I always did like happy endings.
** Who: Red Puckett
** Source: ''[[Hoodwinked!]]'' (2005)

* Hey, girls. Let's call it a night.
** Who: Twitchy
** Source: ''[[Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil]]'' (2011)

=== ''[[w:How to Train Your Dragon|How to Train Your Dragon]]'' film series ===

* This is Berk. It snows nine months of the year and hails the other three. Any food that grows here is tough and tasteless. The people that grow here are even more so. The only upsides are the pets. While other places have ponies or parrots... we have... dragons!
** Who: Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III
** Source: ''[[How to Train Your Dragon (film)|How to Train Your Dragon]]'' (2010)

* This... is Berk. A bit trampled and busted and covered in ice, but it's home. It's our home. Those who attacked us are relentless and crazy. But those who stopped them? Oh, even more so! We may be small in numbers, but we stand for something bigger than anything the world can pit against us. We are the voice of peace. And bit by bit, we will change this world. You see, we have something they don't. Oh sure, they have armies and they have armadas... But we... we have... our dragons!
** Who: Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III
** Source: ''[[How to Train Your Dragon 2]]'' (2014)

* Legend says that when the ground quakes or lava spews from the earth, it's the dragons letting us know they're still here. Waiting for us to figure out how to get along. Yes, the world believes the dragons are gone, if they ever existed at all. But we Berkians, we know otherwise. And we'll guard this secret until the time comes when dragons can return in peace.
** Who: Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III
** Source: ''[[How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World]]'' (2019)

=== ''[[w:Ice Age (franchise)|Ice Age]]'' film series ===

* No, really...
** Who: [[w:List_of_Ice_Age_characters#Sid|Sid]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age (2002 film)|Ice Age]]'' (2002)

* Calm down! I saved you, little buddy! Remember!?
** Who: [[w:List_of_Ice_Age_characters#Sid|Sid]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: The Meltdown]]'' (2006)

* That's right, sweetheart. Welcome to the Ice Age.
** Who: [[w:List_of_Ice_Age_characters#Ellie|Ellie]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs]]'' (2009)

* No! Stop! Brother, rise above this base desire. Be more than a rodent.
** Who: Ariscratle
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: Continental Drift]]'' (2012)

* Mars: the red planet. Cold... dry... inhospitable to life. But billions and billions of years ago, Mars looked like this. There were lakes, rivers, oceans... the perfect conditions for life to form. So, what happened? Why was life unable to take hold? Where did the water go? We may never know.
** Who: [[w:List_of_Ice_Age_characters#Neil deBuck Weasel|Neil deBuck Weasel]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: Collision Course]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:The Incredibles (franchise)|The Incredibles]]'' film series ===

* Behold, the Underminer! I am always beneath you, but nothing is beneath me! I hereby declare war on peace and happiness! Soon, all will tremble before me!
** Who: The Underminer
** Source: ''[[The Incredibles]]'' (2004)

* Stop! Let us out! Here, large popcorn, small soda. Save me a seat. Center, about eight rows back. I'll be back before the previews are over!
** Who: [[w:Violet Parr|Violet Parr]]
** Source: ''[[Incredibles 2]]'' (2018)

=== ''[[Kim Possible]]'' film series ===

* No idea why I said that!
** Who: Ron Stoppable
** Source: ''[[Kim Possible: A Sitch in Time]]'' (2003)

* It finally happened! She's dating that loser! Kim Possible and Ron Stoppable are dating!? ''(Laughs loudly)''
** Who: Bonnie Rockwaller
** Source: ''[[Kim Possible Movie: So the Drama]]'' (2005)

=== ''[[w:Kung Fu Panda (franchise)|Kung Fu Panda]]'' film series ===

* Yeah.
** Who: [[w:List_of_Kung_Fu_Panda_characters#Master Shifu|Master Shifu]]
** Source: ''[[Kung Fu Panda]]'' (2008)

* My son is alive...
** Who: [[w:List_of_Kung_Fu_Panda_characters#Li Shan|Li Shan]]
** Source: ''[[Kung Fu Panda 2]]'' (2011)

* Panda Asthma.
** Who: [[w:List_of_Kung_Fu_Panda_characters#Li Shan|Li Shan]]
** Source: ''[[Kung Fu Panda 3]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:Lady and the Tramp|Lady and the Tramp]]'' film series ===

* Huh? I haven't? Well, uh, as Old Reliable used to say... He'd say, uh, uh... He'd say, uh, uh... Doggone. You know, I clean forgot what it was he used to say!
** Who: Trusty
** Source: ''[[Lady and the Tramp]]'' (1955)

* Angel!
** Who: Junior
** Source: ''[[Lady and the Tramp II: Scamp's Adventure]]'' (2001)

=== ''[[w:The Land Before Time (franchise)|The Land Before Time]]'' film series ===

* And they all grew up together in the valley, generation upon generation, each passing on to the next. The tale of their ancestors' journey to the valley, long ago.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time]]'' (1988)

* But I still can't wait to grow up.
** Who: Littlefoot
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time II: The Great Valley Adventure]]'' (1994)

* And so, as it turned out, the dinosaurs traveled from green spot to green spot, eating their fill, each helping the others to find what they needed, each learning the special kind of joy, which comes from giving to others. And in the years to come, this story of sharing was told over and over again, until it became known as: &quot;The Time of the Great Giving.&quot;
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time III: The Time of the Great Giving]]'' (1995)

* And so, it came to pass that the migrating dinosaurs left the Great Valley for lands unknown. And yes, Littlefoot and his friends, Cera, Ducky, Petrie and Spike, would indeed meet Ali again one day. But that's another story.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time IV: Journey Through the Mists]]'' (1996)

* It's great to be home.
** Who: Cera
** ''[[The Land Before Time V: The Mysterious Island]]'' (1997)

* And so, another myth was born. It would change with each retelling. And even now, who knows how this one will end.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time VI: The Secret of Saurus Rock]]'' (1998)

* Oh, no! Oh, no! But we are plenty smart, right, Spike?
* Uh-huh.
** Who 1: Ducky
** Who 2: Spike
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time VII: The Stone of Cold Fire]]'' (1999)

* The families would be happy here until the Great Circle began to warm the land once more, melting the white ground sparkles and allowing new life to spring up, turning the earth green again. Then they could return to the Great Valley, where they could all get a good night's sleep, even Ducky.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time VIII: The Big Freeze]]'' (2001)

* This adventure was at an end. Still, Littlefoot, Cera, Ducky, Petrie and Spike knew in their hearts that there would be many more adventures yet to come.
** Who: Narrator
** Source:''[[The Land Before Time IX: Journey to Big Water]]'' (2002)

* I just have one question. Do we HAVE to go back through the swamp?
** Who: Ducky
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time X: The Great Longneck Migration]]'' (2003)

* And every nibbling day, the dinosaurs of the Great Valley gathered to celebrate these small things of life which mattered so much.
* Got you!
** Who 1: Narrator
** Who 2: Petrie
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time XI: Invasion of the Tinysauruses]]'' (2005)

* Many changes had occurred on this day of changes. And many more would follow. The dinosaur families understood this. They knew that change was a part of life in the Great Valley.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time XII: The Great Day of the Flyers]]'' (2006)

* In their journey to Berry Valley, the young dinosaurs had discovered that wisdom came in many different forms. And they knew that more lessons lay before them as they grew in the land before time.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time XIII: The Wisdom of Friends]]'' (2007)

* Littlefoot had found his father. And he found something else, too... Something he wasn't looking for. The realization that he and his friends would always be together... till the end of their days... in the Land Before Time.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time XIV: Journey of the Brave]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:The Lego Movie (franchise)|The Lego Movie]]'' film series ===

* Oh, man.
** Who: Emmet Brickowski
** Source: ''[[The Lego Movie]]'' (2014)

* Wow, that was fun! Really hope nobody was recording that. Let me see. Oh, this thing is on. This thing is recording.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[The Lego Batman Movie]]'' (2017)

* B mark.
** Who: Director
** Source: ''[[The Lego Ninjago Movie]]'' (2017)

* An original album of ''Everything is Awesome''?! Wait a minute. Is that...? 
** Who: Emmet Brickowski
** Source: ''[[The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part]]'' (2019)

=== ''[[w:Lilo &amp; Stitch (franchise) (franchise)|Lilo &amp; Stitch]]'' film series ===

* Wait.
** Who: Stitch
** Source: ''[[Lilo &amp; Stitch]]'' (2002)

* And with 626, they make one hotshot evil genius experiment-catching team!
** Who: Jumba Jookiba
* (post-credits:) I'll get the wig.
** Who: Wendy Pleakley
** Source: ''[[Stitch! The Movie]]'' (2003)

* Mom would be so proud of you.
** Who: Nani Pelekai
** Source: ''[[Lilo &amp; Stitch 2: Stitch Has a Glitch]]'' (2005)

* Aloha!
** Who: The Pelekai ''ʻohana'': Lilo Pelekai, Stitch, Nani Pelekai, David Kawena, Jumba Jookiba, Wendy Pleakley, Mertle Edmonds, and many of Jumba's genetic experiments (Stitch's &quot;cousins&quot;)
** Source: ''[[Leroy &amp; Stitch]]'' (2006)

=== ''[[w:The Lion King (franchise)|The Lion King]]'' film series ===

* Remember...
** Who: Mufasa's Ghost
** Source: ''[[The Lion King]]'' (1994)

* Well done, my son. We are one.
** Who: Mufasa's Ghost
** Source: ''[[The Lion King II: Simba's Pride]]'' (1998)

* Uh, Timon? I still don't do so well in crowds.
** Who: Pumbaa
** Source: ''[[The Lion King 1½]]'' (2004)

=== ''[[w:The Little Mermaid (franchise)|The Little Mermaid]]'' film series ===

* I love you, daddy.
** Who: Ariel
** Source: ''[[The Little Mermaid (1989 film)|The Little Mermaid]]'' (1989)

* Hi.
** Who: Melody
** Source: ''[[The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea]]'' (2000)

* That's my girl. Samba? Ooh-wa, ooh-wa! 
** Who: Benjamin
** Source: ''[[The Little Mermaid: Ariel's Beginning]]'' (2008)

=== ''[[w:Madagascar (franchise)|Madagascar]]'' film series ===

* Nah. Just smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave.
** Who: Skipper
** Source: ''[[Madagascar (2005 film)|Madagascar]]'' (2005)

* Shake 'em. Shake 'em. Shake 'em. Shake 'em...
** Who: King Julian XII
** Source: ''[[Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa]]'' (2008)

* Hey, Skipper, what did you end up doing with the crazy lady, anyway?
** Who: Alex
** Source: ''[[Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted]]'' (2012)

* You know, if I'm being honest, I expected a little more... pizzazz! Yes! Now, that's pizzazz!
** Who: King Julian XII
** Source: ''[[Penguins of Madagascar]]'' (2014)

=== ''[[w:Monsters, Inc. (franchise)|Monsters, Inc.]]'' film series ===

* Kitty!
** Who: Boo
** Source: ''[[Monsters, Inc.]]'' (2001)

* You better believe it.
** Who: Mike Wazowski
* (post-credits:) Great.
** Who: Student Slug Monster
** Source: ''[[Monsters University]]'' (2013)

=== ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls'' film series ===

* Just a hunch.
** Who: Pinkie Pie
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Equestria Girls]]'' (2013)

* One! Two! Three! Four!
** Who: Human Pinkie Pie
* (post-credits:) No doubt about it, Spike, there's definitely something strange going on at that school.
** Who: Human Twilight Sparkle (Sci-Twi)
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Rainbow Rocks]]'' (2014)

* Make that the ''second'' strangest.
** Who: Princess Twilight Sparkle
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Friendship Games]]'' (2015)

* Where did the magic that hit this cave come from?
** Who: Sunset Shimmer
* (post-credits:) Let's celebrate!
** Who: Human Pinkie Pie
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Legend of Everfree]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:The Nut Job|The Nut Job]]'' film series ===

* Any more big ideas? Please stay.
** Who: Norvirus Raccoon
** Source: ''[[The Nut Job]]'' (2014)
** Note: A mid-credits scene reveals that Raccoon and Cardinal survived and were drifted out to sea, but sharks now surround them, leaving their fate ambiguous.

* Ride, Precious! Ride! Hiyah!
** Who: Surly
** Source: ''[[The Nut Job 2: Nutty by Nature]]'' (2017)

=== ''[[w:Open Season (franchise)|Open Season]]'' film series ===

* Wait, wait. No. No. No!
** Who: Shaw
** Source: ''[[Open Season]]'' (2006)

* Come on!
** Who: Elliot
** Source: ''[[Open Season 2]]'' (2009)

* Boop!
** Who: Allistar
** Source: ''[[Open Season 3]]'' (2011)

* No.
** Who: Boog
** Source: ''[[Open Season: Scared Silly]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:The Rescuers|The Rescuers]]'' film series ===

* I sure wish we'd have taken the train.
** Who: Bernard
** Source: ''[[The Rescuers]]'' (1977)

* Help! Anybody! Bernard! Bianca! Where are you? Okay, that's it, I'm out of here. This is ridiculous. You can't leave me here alone. I'm gone! I am gone. Oh. Aw, no, stay in those eggs! That's a direct order! Oh. Hey, you're kind of a cute little feller. Coochy, coochy... Yeowww! Whoa! Ohhh!
** Who: Wilbur
** Source: ''[[The Rescuers Down Under]]'' (1990)

=== ''[[w:Rio (franchise)|Rio]]'' film series ===

* That's my big brave boy.
** Who: Linda Gunderson
* (in-credits:) I love you, Rio!
** Who: Luiz
** Source: ''[[Rio (film)|Rio]]'' (2011)

* That's the end?
** Who: Pedro
** Source: ''[[Rio 2]]'' (2014)

=== ''Rugrats'' film series ===

* Way to go, Dilly!
** Who: Tommy Pickles, Chuckie Finster, Phil and Lil Deville
** Source: ''[[The Rugrats Movie]]'' (1998)

* Well, Tommy. I guess this is the way things are gonna be from now on.
** Who: Chuckie Finster
** Source: ''[[Rugrats in Paris: The Movie]]'' (2000)

* Well, Eliza, as dog is my witness, I'll never lose my babies again!
** Who: Spike the Dog
** Source: ''[[Rugrats Go Wild]]'' (2003)

=== ''[[w:Shrek (franchise)|Shrek]]'' film series ===

* Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe.
** Who: [[w:Donkey (Shrek)|Donkey]]
** Source: ''[[Shrek]]'' (2001)

* Hey Donkey, that's Spanish!
** Who: [[w:Puss in Boots (Shrek)|Puss in Boots]]
* (mid-credits:) Look at our little mutant babies! I gotta get a job!
** Who: [[w:Donkey (Shrek)|Donkey]]
** Source: ''[[Shrek 2]]'' (2004)

* I got it.
** Who: [[w:Shrek (character)|Shrek]]
** Source: ''[[Shrek the Third]]'' (2007)

* No, it was ''you'' that rescued ''me.''
** Who: [[w:Shrek (character)|Shrek]]
** Source: ''[[Shrek Forever After]]'' (2010)

* This is the story of a cat who became a hero. An outlaw dedicated to justice and a lover of beautiful woman. A great, great lover. Really, it is crazy. I am Puss in Boots! And my name would become legend.
** Who: [[w:Puss in Boots (Shrek)|Puss in Boots]]
* (in-credits:) Oh!
** Who: Oh Cat
** Source: ''[[Puss in Boots (2011 film)|Puss in Boots]]'' (2011)

=== ''[[w:SpongeBob SquarePants (film series)|SpongeBob SquarePants]]'' film series ===

* Are you crazy? I was just gonna tell you that your fly is down. Manager! This is the greatest day of my life!
** Who: SpongeBob SquarePants
* (post credits:) Okay.
** Who: Captain Bart the Pirate
** Source: ''[[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie]]'' (2004)

* See you later, te-ammate!
** Who: [[w:SpongeBob SquarePants (character)|SpongeBob SquarePants]]
* That was pretty good actually.
** Who: Bubbles
* (in-credits:) You know what this needs? A little interpretive dance!
** Who: [[w:Squidward Tentacles|Squidward Tentacles]]
** Source: ''[[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water]]'' (2015)

* Order up!
** Who: [[w:SpongeBob SquarePants (character)|SpongeBob SquarePants]]
** Source: ''[[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge on the Run]]'' (2020)

=== ''[[w:Surf's Up (film)|Surf's Up]]'' film series ===

* Cody would never do this.
** Who: Edna Maverick
** Source: ''[[Surf's Up]]'' (2007)

* Okay, That's a wrap on this episode of &quot;Are they still cool? Surf Edition&quot;. Aaaand cut.
** Who: Announcer
** Source: ''[[Surf's Up 2: WaveMania]]'' (2017)

=== ''[[w:Toy Story (franchise)|Toy Story]]'' film series ===

* Oh, what is it? What is it? Wow! A puppy!
** Who: Andy Davis
** Source: ''[[Toy Story]]'' (1995)

* Besides, when it all ends, I'll have old Buzz Lightyear to keep me company - for infinity and beyond.
** Who: Woody
* Yeah!
** Who: Wheezy
* (outtakes:) A little break, okay. Phew.
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''[[Toy Story 2]]'' (1999)

* So long, partner. Oh hey, Buzz! You haven't met Bonnie's toys yet! 
** Who: Woody
* (in-credits:) Just go with it, Buzz.
** Who: Jessie
** Source: ''[[Toy Story 3]]'' (2010)

* He's not lost. Not anymore. To infinity...
* ...and beyond.
** Who 1: Buzz Lightyear
** Who 2: Woody
* (mid-credits 1:) Oh yeah. Leave it to us, Jermiah.
** Who: Ducky
* (mid-credits 2:) Yeah. We know exactly what to do.
** Who: Bunny
* (mid-credits 3:) Whoa.
** Who: Duke Caboom
* (mid-credits 4:) I don't know.
** Who: Forky
* (post-credits:) Caboom! Yes.
** Who: Duke Caboom
** Source: ''[[Toy Story 4]]'' (2019)

* To infinity...
* ...and beyond.
** Who 1: Izzy Hawthorne
** Who 2: Buzz Lightyear
* (mid-credits:) [laughs] Laser Shield.
**Who: Commander Burnside
*(post-credits:) Ask the bromite swamps, a breathtaking sight or so I am told, but if you're in a hurry, this would be your most direct route. Any questions? Hello? Oh...
**Who: E.R.I.C.
** Source: ''[[Lightyear (film)|Lightyear]]'' (2022)

=== ''[[Winnie the Pooh]]'' film series ===

* Wherever they go, and whatever happens to them on the way, in their enchanted place on top of the forest, a little bear will always be waiting.
** Who: The narrator
** Source: ''[[The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh]]'' (1977)

* Yes, Piglet. It's the least we could do... for a very small Piglet who's done such very big things. Thank you, Piglet.
** Who: Pooh
** Source: ''[[Piglet's Big Movie]]'' (2003)

* And so it is here we shall leave them. And here we shall find them again. For the boy and the bear will always be together in this remarkable place called the Hundred Acre Wood.
** Who: The narrator
** Source: ''[[Pooh's Grand Adventure: The Search for Christopher Robin]]'' (1997)

* You know, we never really did capture a Heffalump that day. It was more like... like Lumpy captured all of us.
** Who: Pooh
** Source: ''[[Pooh's Heffalump Movie]]'' (2005)

* You were right! I love Hallowoon! Hallow-woo... Hallow... Oh, whatever. As long as we're together!
** Who: Lumpy
** Source: ''[[Pooh's Heffalump Halloween Movie]]'' (2006)

* Look this way, everybody. Closer. Smile!
** Who: Christopher Robin
** Source: ''[[The Tigger Movie]]'' (2000)

* Silly old bear.
** Who: Christopher Robin
* (post-credits:) Wow! It's amazing what you can find in the woods. A marble! And a boot! And oh, my, that's a scary-lookin' fella. Gosh! Maybe these are his things. You know, I better pick 'em up so they won't get broken. That's the last thing I would want. Whoa!  Oh, my gosh! Is this a pit? I think I'm in a pit! Hello? Anybody up there? Oh, well. I sure hope that fella will be back soon.
** Who: The Backson
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh (film)|Winnie the Pooh]]'' (2011)
** Note: He comes out of the scary woods and proves to be real but instead of being a monstrous beast, he is actually very kind and the bait Pooh and the other left for him he decided to pick them up to return to them but falls into the pit as planned. He decides to wait for someone to help him out and hopes he'll be back soon.

* And so another Christmas came and went in the Hundred Acre Wood. It had been a joyous season of giving for all our friends, but especially for a little bear named Winnie the Pooh.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh: Seasons of Giving]]'' (1999)

* Not bad! But it could've used a few more jingly bells.
** Who: Tigger
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh: A Very Merry Pooh Year]]'' (2002)

* BBFN: Bye-Bye For Now!
** Who: Roo
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh: Springtime With Roo]]'' (2004)

=== ''[[Winx Club]]'' film series ===

* And thus, the fairy that was searching for her origins learned to believe in herself, and to trust the people she loved. She stayed true to herself, and to what she believed in, and won her greatest battle, saving her kingdom, freeing her people, and reuniting her family, and finally becoming a true guardian fairy. And now written in the Book of Fate, there's a new Company of Light... the Winx!
** Who: Bartelby (Dubbing Brothers)
* And so, the most strong-willed of all fairies overcame the greatest challenge. She learned to believe in herself and trust the people she loved. She stayed true to what was in her heart and in doing so she saved a kingdom, freed her people, and reunited her long-lost family. And finally, she became a true Guardian Fairy. And now written in the Book of Fate, there's a new Company of Light, called... the Winx!
** Who: Bartelby (Atlas Oceanic)
* (pre-credits:) And soon we'll loop their stupid little fairy wings right off their bodies!
** Who: Icy (Dubbing Brothers)
* (pre-credits:) And soon we reap their weak little fairy wings right of their bodies!
** Who: Icy (Atlas Oceanic)
** Source: ''[[Winx Club: The Secret of the Lost Kingdom]]'' (2007)

* Daddy...
** Who: Bloom
* (post-credits:) Ta-da!!!
** Who: Stella
** Source: ''[[Winx Club 3D: Magical Adventure]]'' (2010)

* Kiko... Thank you! I'm really dying for an ice cream!
** Who: Sky
** Source: ''[[Winx Club: The Mystery of the Abyss]]'' (2014)

=== ''[[w:Wreck-It Ralph (franchise)|Wreck-It Ralph]]'' film series ===

* But I gotta say, the best part of my day is when I get thrown off the roof. Because when the Nicelanders lift me up, I get a perfect view of Sugar Rush, and I can see Vanellope racing. The kid's a natural, the players love her, glitch and all, just like I knew they would. Turns out I don't need a medal to tell me I'm a good guy. Because if that little kid likes me... how bad can I be?
** Who: [[w:Wreck-it Ralph (character)|Wreck-it Ralph]]
** Source: ''[[Wreck-It Ralph]]'' (2012)

* Come on Felix, let's get to work, buddy.
* (mid-credits:) No, the kitty gets the milkshake. The bunny gets the pancake.
* (post-credits:) Oh no, why would I?! I like you! You guys still sticking around? Alright well, you're welcome to stay, there's not really anymore surprises but you know. Good luck getting that song out of your head it's a real ear wig. Anyway what else uh...
** Who: [[w:Wreck-it Ralph (character)|Wreck-it Ralph]]
** Source: ''[[Ralph Breaks the Internet]]'' (2018)

== Streaming service films ==

=== Disney+ films ===

* Hey! Movie's over! Go home!
** Who: Terry
** Source: ''[[Soul (2020 film)|Soul]]'' (2020)

=== Netflix films ===

* Well, rickety biscuit.
** Who: Edmée
** Source: ''[[Arlo the Alligator Boy]]'' (2021)

* Yay! I missed you so much!
** Who: GIR
** Source: ''[[Invader Zim: Enter the Florpus]]'' (2019)

* No!
** Who: Bobby Santiago
* (in-credits:) Just the right amount of cinnamon.
** Who: Lincoln Loud
** Source: ''[[The Loud House Movie]]'' (2021)

* Whew! Hey, guys. What did I miss? ''Aaaaaahhhhh''--
** Who: Balloon Pony
* (post-credits:) Me first!
** Who: Kid Earth Pony 1
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: A New Generation]]'' (2021)

* Woo-hoo...Oof!
** Who: Hilda
** Source: ''[[Hilda and The Mountain King]]'' (2021)

* Two thousand one boogers on the wall, two thousand and one boogers... Pick one out and flick it off, two thousand and two boogers on the wall. Two thousand and two boogers on the wall, two thousand and two boogers...
** Who: Mr. Dupette
** Source: ''[[Rocko's Modern Life: Static Cling]]'' (2019)

=== Paramount+ films ===

* We just had another call asking to speak with Victor Chouce. You're quite a popular man, Victor. I wonder what all the fuss is about. Don't feel like talking, huh? You will.
** Who: Warden
** Source: ''[[South Park: Post Covid]]'' (2021)

* Remember folks, weed can't solve all your problems but tegridy can. Tegridy Weeeed.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[South Park: Post Covid: The Return of Covid]]'' (2021)

* Yeah, well, you see, ManBearPig, eventually, he gonna kill everybody. He just gonna kill you first.
** Who: Pi-Pi
** Source: ''[[South Park: The Streaming Wars]]'' (2022)

* Yeah, but that all sounds really hard. We have enough water for the summer now. Fuck it. Let's smoke some weed!
** Who: Randy Marsh
** Source: ''[[South Park: The Streaming Wars Part 2]]'' (2022)

== Animated TV specials ==

* D.W., turn that thing off!
** Who: Arthur Read
** Source: ''Arthur's Perfect Christmas'' (2000)
* Well, you kids will never believe this, but I could almost swear I saw a cat – a Cat in the Hat, mind you – going down the street with a moss-covered three-handled family gradunza!
** Who: Mother
** Source: ''[[The Cat in the Hat (TV special)|The Cat in the Hat]]'' (1971)
* C'mon, sis. Let's go talk to Mom and Dad.
** Who: Michael
** Source: ''[[Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue]]'' (1990)

* There is a story, some kids tell about when the world was ruled by an evil adult. A story about a boy, his dad, a book, and a tree. It's the true story about how I found the book of KND and what I wrote in it. Five words only. WE. ARE. KIDS. NEXT. DOOR.
** Who: Nigel Uno (Numbuh One)
** Source: ''[[Codename: Kids Next Door - Operation Z.E.R.O.]]'' (2006)

* It's taken me so many years, so many lifetimes, but at last I know where I'm going. Where I've always been going. Home, the long way round.
** Who: The [[Eleventh Doctor]]
** Source: ''[[Eleventh Doctor|Doctor Who: The Day of the Doctor]]'' (2013)

* Mr. Phillip has wished, and so I shall use my power. With a wave of my hands, I shall say, &quot;au revoir, Eiffel Tower!&quot;
** Who: Adil
** Source: ''[[Genie in the House|Genie in the House: Legend of the Dragon]]'' (2010)

* Oh, I love it, Philip, I love it too bits!
** Who: Max Baxter
** Source: ''[[Genie in the House|Genie in the House: Return to Balamkadaar]]'' (2008)

* We'll be waiting right here.
** Who: Stella Shortman
** Source: ''[[Hey Arnold!: The Jungle Movie]]'' (2017)

* Welcome, Christmas, bring your cheer. Cheer to all Whos far and near. Christmas Day is in our grasp, so as long as we have hands to clap, Christmas Day will always be just as long as we have. Welcome, Christmas. While we stand... Heart to heart... and hand to hand.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[w: How the Grinch stole Christmas|Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas]]'' (1966)

* Merry Christmas!
** Who: [[w:Santa Claus|Santa Claus]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: A Mammoth Christmas]]'' (2011)

* The ship is terrible! Not seaworthy! Bunny overboard!
** Who: [[w:List_of_Ice_Age_characters#Squint|Squint]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: The Great Egg-Scapade]]'' (2016)
** Note: Squint trying to sail away in a basket as a ship but unfortunately it sinks.

* Merry Christmas and happy Julianuary, everybody!
** Who: Mort
** Source: ''[[Merry Madagascar]]'' (2009)

* Two, three four!
** Who: River
** Source: ''My Scene: Jammin' in Jamaica'' (2004)

* To sharing secrets with the best friends anyone could ever have!
** Who: Chelsea
** Source: ''My Scene: Masquerade Madness'' (2004)

* What? It's none of your business!
** Who: Beth
** Source: ''Polly Pocket: Lunar Eclipse'' (2003)

* Still, it was mad fun!
** Who: Pia Pocket
** Source: ''Polly Pocket: 2 Cool at the Pocket Plaza'' (2005)

* Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho!
** Who: [[w:Santa Claus|Santa Claus]]
** Source: ''[[Stick Man]]'' (2015)

* Okay, next time, we're going to Mexico. OW!
** Who: Beast Boy
** Source: ''[[Teen Titans: Trouble in Tokyo]]'' (2006)

* Above all, do not lament my absence, for in my spark, I know that this is not the end, but merely a new beginning. Simply put, another transformation.
** Who: Optimus Prime
** Source: ''[[Transformers: Prime|Transformers: Prime - Predacons Rising]]'' (2013)

* First one inside gets to give him mouth to mouth!
** Who: Lee
* (post-credits:) It's the end of the movie? What movie?
** Who: Jonny 2X4
** Source: ''[[Ed, Edd n Eddy's Big Picture Show]]'' (2009)

* That night, the stars seemed to shine down on the forest with a special warm glow. Schaeffer wondered if he could have dreamt it all. Surely a star had fallen and spread magic in its path? And one special wish had come true, just now. And then Schaeffer stopped wondering, because he suddenly knew that if Broo had made it to the Evergreen Forest, then he would soon see Sophia and the Raccoons too.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Raccoons and the Lost Star]]'' (1983)

=== ''[[Futurama]]'' ===

* Well, we're boned.
** Who: Bender
** Source: ''[[Futurama: Bender's Big Score]]'' (2007)

* Because Bender knows love. And love doesn't share itself with the world. Love is suspicious, love is needy, love is fearful, love is greedy. My friends, there is no great love without great jealousy. I love you, meatbags.
** Who: Bender
** Source: ''[[Futurama: The Beast with a Billion Backs]]'' (2008)

* Faster! Faster! Slower!
** Who: Professor Farnsworth
** Source: ''[[Futurama: Bender's Game]]'' (2008)

* Go! Go!
** Who: Fry and Leela
** Source: ''[[Futurama: Into the Wild Green Yonder]]'' (2009)

=== ''[[The Jimmy Timmy Power Hour Specials]]'' ===

* GET OUT OF MY LAB!
** Who: Jimmy Neutron
** Source: ''Jimmy Timmy Power Hour'' (2004)

* Boys, boys! Please! This fighting over me has got to stop!
** Who: Cindy Vortex
** Source: ''Jimmy Timmy Power Hour 2: When Nerds Collide'' (2006)

* Okay, give him his brain back, boys.
** Who: Cindy Vortex
** Source: ''Jimmy Timmy Power Hour 3: The Jerkinators'' (2006)

=== ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls'' specials ===

* Me too!
** Who: Sour Sweet
** Source: ''Dance Magic'' (2017)

* Uh, sorry.
** Who: Human Rainbow Dash
** Source: ''Movie Magic'' (2017)

* Right.
** Who: Starlight Glimmer
** Source: ''Mirror Magic'' (2017)

* Oh, come on! Seriously?!
** Who: Human Rainbow Dash
** Source: ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Forgotten Friendship'' (2018)

* If you’re up for it.
** Who: Human Rarity
** Source: ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Rollercoaster of Friendship'' (2018)

* We’re baaaack!
** Who: Sunset Shimmer
** Source: ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Spring Breakdown'' (2019)

* Yeah, I guess it would’ve been!
** Who: Human Pinkie Pie
** Source: ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Sunset's Backstage Pass'' (2020)

=== ''[[Miraculous Ladybug]]'' ===

* Hmm.
** Who: Monk
** Source: ''[[Miraculous World: New York – United Heroez]]'' (2020)

* Coming to China, I found so much more than I'd ever hoped for: an amazing uncle, a new friend, and a new Mandarin teacher.
** Who: Marinette Dupain-Cheng
** Source: ''[[Miraculous World: Shanghai – The Legend of Ladydragon]]'' (2020)

=== ''Peanuts'' ===

* Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown!
** Who: Everyone
** Source: ''[[A Charlie Brown Christmas]]'' (1965)

* My grandmother lives in a condominium.
** Who: Charlie Brown
** Source: ''[[A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving]] (1973)

* To read Crime and Punishment by Dostoevsky. Happy New Year, Charlie Brown.
** Who: [[w:Linus van Pelt|Linus van Pelt]]
** Source: ''[[Happy New Year, Charlie Brown]]'' (1986)

* Ah...the Easter Beagle...
** Who: Lucy van Pelt
** Source: ''[[It's the Easter Beagle, Charlie Brown]]'' (1974)

* STUPID? What do you mean &quot;stupid&quot;?! Just wait till next year, Charlie Brown! You'll see! Next year at this same time, I'll find a pumpkin patch that is *real* sincere and I'll sit in that pumpkin patch until the Great Pumpkin appears. He'll rise out of that pumpkin patch and he'll fly through the air with his bag of toys. The Great Pumpkin will appear and I'll be waiting for him! I'll be there! I'll be sitting there in that pumpkin patch... and I'll see the Great Pumpkin. Just wait and see, Charlie Brown. I'll see that Great Pumpkin. I'll SEE the Great Pumpkin! Just you wait, Charlie Brown. The Great Pumpkin will appear, and I'll be waiting for him...!
** Who: Linus van Pelt
** Source: ''[[It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown]]'' (1966)

* Grandma?
** Who: Linus van Pelt
** Source: ''Happiness is a Warm Blanket, Charlie Brown'' (2011)

* Charlie Brown, get your stupid dog to stop playing this music!
** Who: Lucy van Pelt
** Source: ''[[It's the Pied Piper, Charlie Brown]]'' (2000)

=== ''Rankin/Bass'' ===

* Merry Christmas! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
** Who: Santa Claus
** Source: ''[[Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (TV special)|Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer]]'' (1964)

* Aaron's heart was filled with joy and love. And he knew at last that the hate he had carried there was wrong. As ALL hatred will ever be wrong. For more powerful, more beautiful by far than all the eons of sadness and cruelty and desolation which had come before, was that one tiny, crystalline second of laughter. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.
** Who: Our Storyteller
** Source: ''[[The Little Drummer Boy (film)|The Little Drummer Boy]]'' (1968)

* I'll be back on Christmas Day!
** Who: Frosty
** Source: ''[[Frosty the Snowman (TV special)|Frosty the Snowman]]'' (1969)

* Merry Christmas!
** Who: Children
** Source: ''[[Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town (film)|Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town]]'' (1970)

* Happy Easter Day!
** Who: Everyone
** Source: ''[[Here Comes Peter Cottontail]]'' (1971)

* Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!
** Who: Santa Claus
** Source: ''[['Twas the Night Before Christmas (1974 TV special)|'Twas the Night Before Christmas]]'' (1974)

* I dreamed unhappy things!
** Who: Santa Claus
** Source: ''[[The Year Without a Santa Claus]]'' (1974)

* And frosty, too!
** Who: Frosty and Crystal
** Source: ''[[Frosty's Winter Wonderland]]'' (1976)

* And may it be shiny, too!
** Who: Rudolph
** Source: ''[[Rudolph's Shiny New Year]]'' (1976)

* Okay!
** Who: Rudolph
** Source: ''[[Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July]]'' (1979)

* And so, the folks of Beansborough got their winter carnival after all. A tradition was saved. Summer Wheeze was permanently canned, and Mr. Twitchell decided to make sleds instead of trouble. He should have known he was no match for Mother Nature, or a little girl like Holly. Next stop: Winnipeg. Nice town, plenty of parking space, and lots of cocoa.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Frosty Returns]]'' (1992)

=== ''Marvel Rising'' franchise ===

=== ''Thomas and Friends'' specials ===

* Emily was delighted. That night, the engines talked about steamies, diesels, and airplanes, and they all agreed that Tidmouth sheds was the best place to be.
** Who: The narrator
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Calling All Engines]]'' (2005)

* But we're ALL leaders of the track!
* And he couldn't have been happier!
** Who 1: Thomas
** Who 2: The narrator
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|The Great Discovery]]'' (2008)

* I know, Thomas. Thank you.
** Who: Hiro
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Hero of the Rails]]'' (2008)

* And everyone giggled and jiggled.
** Who: The narrator
* (post-credits:) You'll be laughing on the other side of your boilers soon, silly steamies! ''(evil laugh)'' Yes...
** Who: Diesel 10
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Misty Island Rescue]]'' (2010)
** Note: The latter aforementioned line leads into the events of ''Day of the Diesels''. 

* And the two best friends giggled and jiggled with joy.
** Who: The narrator
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Day of the Diesels]]'' (2011)

* And no engine whistled louder than Thomas and Luke!
** Who: The narrator
* (in-credits:) It's me!
** Who: Rheneas
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Blue Mountain Mystery]]'' (2012)

* Knights in Shining Armor, on your mark, get set, go!
** Who: Sir Robert Norramby
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|King of the Railway]]'' (2013)

* Percy was sad to say goodbye to his new friend, but he was happy that he had his old friends beside him.
** Who: The narrator
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Tale of the Brave]]'' (2014)

* But I'm not Mr. Coffee Pot, my name is Glynn.
** Who: Glynn
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|The Adventure Begins]]'' (2015)

* One, two, threeeeeeeee!!!
** Who: Scuba divers' captain
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Sodor's Legend of the Lost Treasure]]'' (2015)

* Good idea! You ''are'' clever. Sometimes.
** Who: Ashima
* (in-credits:) OVER HERE! I'M FULL OF SURPRISES...!
** Who: Diesel
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|The Great Race]]'' (2016)

* What did I miss?
** Who: Henry
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Journey Beyond Sodor]]'' (2017)

* Thomas?
** Who: Ace
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Big World! Big Adventures!]]'' (2018)

=== ''Winnie the Pooh'' specials ===

* No worry! Take your time! Yum, yum!
** Who: Winnie the Pooh
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh and the Honey Tree]]'' (1966)

* And Piglet, too!
** Who: Piglet
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh and the Blustery Day]]'' (1968)

* Come on, everybody! Bounce!
** Who: Rabbit
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh and Tigger Too]]'' (1974)

* Of course you are. Silly old bear.
** Who: Christopher Robin
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh and a Day for Eeyore]]'' (1983)

* And so it was the most thankful day of Thanksgiving, for of all the things we've had or ever liked, the grandest thing we shall ever have is one another... or so it was said, by a bear named Winnie the Pooh.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''A Winnie the Pooh Thanksgiving'' (1998)

* And so as winter changes into spring, which changes into summer, there are things which go on forever unchanging, such as the way a certain boy cares for a certain bear. And we will know for as long as we care to remember, that somewhere in that enchanted place, on top of the forest... a boy and his bear... will always be playing.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''Winnie the Pooh: A Valentine for You'' (1999)

=== ''Winx Club'' specials ===

* I AM A FAIRY!!!
** Who: Bloom
** Source: ''Winx Club: The Fate of Bloom'' (2011)

* The Trix took the Dragon Flame!
** Who: Bloom
** Source: ''Winx Club: Revenge of the Trix'' (2011)

* I don't know, but I guess we'll find out... together.
** Who: Sky
** Source: ''Winx Club: The Battle for Magix'' (2011)

* Get over here!
** Who: Bloom
** Source: ''Winx Club: The Shadow Phoenix'' (2011)

[[Category:Last lines|Animated films]]</text>
      <sha1>kgv1xxb5iz5yrrvcu4is5qtyo7n7n70</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153867</id>
      <parentid>3153866</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-12T10:21:48Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:1700:F770:7B40:F8D1:1FBC:401F:5ED1</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Animated TV specials */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="85935" xml:space="preserve">== Animated films ==

* I'm not sure, exactly. But this world is ours now. It's what we make of it.
** Who: 9
** Source: ''[[9 (2009 animated film)|9]]'' (2009)

* Stop attacking me! Why do you always have to attack me now?! Sit, stay, sit!
** Who: King Llort
** Source: ''[[A Troll in Central Park]]'' (1994)

* No laughing. I’m serious.
** Who: Nai Nai
** Source: ''[[Abominable (2019 film)|Abominable]]'' (2019)

* Man, I'm getting out of here.
** Who: [[w:Bing Crosby|Bing Crosby]]
** Source: ''[[The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad]]'' (1949)

* Bye-bye!
** Who: Rocky
** Source: ''[[The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle]]'' (2000)

* He'll be back.
** Who: Charlie B. Barkin
** Source: ''[[All Dogs Go to Heaven]]'' (1989)

* Hey, guys! I worked a little magic.
** Who: David
** Source: ''[[All Dogs Go to Heaven 2]]'' (1996)

* Buh-bye!
** Who: Fievel and Tanya Mousekewitz
** Source: ''[[An American Tail]]'' (1986)

* I think one day you'll find... that you're the hero you've been lookin'for.
** Who: Wylie
** Source: ''[[An American Tail: Fievel Goes West]]'' (1991)

* Huh? Wow!
** Who: Fievel Mousekewitz
** Source: ''[[An American Tail: The Treasure of Manhattan Island]]'' (1998)

* Sweet dreams, my little Fievel. Sweet dreams.
** Who: Mama Mousekewitz
** Source: ''[[An American Tail: The Mystery of the Night Monster]]'' (1999)

* So long, everybody.
** Who: Bartok
** Source: ''[[Anastasia (1997 film)|Anastasia]]'' (1997)

* To the animals, it now seemed that their world, which may or may not some day become a happy place to live in, was worse than ever for ordinary creatures, and another moment had come when they must do something about it...
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Animal Farm (1954 film)|Animal Farm]]'' (1954)

* There you have it. Your average 'boy-meets-girl, boy-likes-girl, boy-changes-underlying-social-order' story. So, what else can I tell you? We rebuilt the colony - it's even better than before, you know, 'cause now it has a very large indoor swimming pool. Bala and I, incidentally, are thinking of starting a family. You know, just a few kids, maybe a million or two to begin with. And I'm, I'm workin' with a new therapist, you know, terrific, absolutely terrific. He's, he's been putting me in touch with my inner maggot, which is helping me a great deal. And, you know, I finally feel like I've found my place. And you know what? It's right back where I started. But the difference is, this time I chose it.
** Who: Z
** Source: ''[[Antz]]'' (1998)

* Wait a minute. I'm the leader. I'll say when it's the end. It's the end.
** Who: Napoleon
** Source: ''[[The Aristocats]]'' (1970)

* So long, folks.
** Who: Bartok
** Source: ''[[Bartok the Magnificent]]'' (1999)

* I am.
** Who: Andrea Beaumont
** Source: ''[[Batman: Mask of the Phantasm]]'' (1993)

* Tool.
** Who: Butt-head
** Source: ''[[Beavis and Butt-head Do America]]'' (1996)

* Between you and me, I was dying to get out of that office.
** Who: Barry Benson
* (post-credits:) I had virtually no rehearsal for that.
** Who: Barry Benson
** Source: ''[[Bee Movie]]'' (2007)

* We didn't set out to be superheroes... But sometimes, life doesn't go the way you planned. The good thing is, my brother wanted to help a lot of people, and that's what we're gonna do. Who are we?
** Who: Hiro Hamada
* (post-credits:) We have a lot to talk about.
** Who: Fred's Dad
** Source: ''[[Big Hero 6]]'' (2014) 

* Nope. I've never seen him before in my life.
** Who: A pigeon
** Source: ''[[Bolt (2008 film)|Bolt]]'' (2008)

* Yep.
** Who: Doli
** Source: ''[[The Black Cauldron (film)|The Black Cauldron]]'' (1985)

* Bye!
** Who: Steve and Blue
** Source: ''[[Blue's Big Musical Movie]]'' (2000)

* Yay! They're staying! Let's do this....
** Who: Scoop
** Source: ''[[Bob The Builder: Mega Machines The Movie]]'' (2017)

* Hi there, baby sister.
** Who: Timothy's daughter
* (mid-credits:) Okay.
** Who: Mrs. Templeton
* (post-credits:) Wake up, little halflings. It's time to leave. Go and live your peasant lives. BE GONE WITH YOU!
** Who: Wizzie
** Source: ''[[The Boss Baby]]'' (2017)

* There are those who say fate is something beyond our command. That destiny is not our own, but I know better. Our fate lives within us. You only have to be brave enough to see it.
** Who: Merida
* (post-credits:) Delivery! Sign here, sign here! Come on, birdbrain! Haven't got all day!
** Who: The Crow
** Source: ''[[Brave (2012 film)|Brave]]'' (2012)

* My brother Kenai went on to live with Koda and the other bears. He taught me that love is very powerful. And I passed on the wisdom of his story to our people. The story of a boy who became a man...by becoming a bear.
** Who: Old Denahi
* (post-credits) Cut, cut. Ooh.
** Who: Koda
** Source: ''[[Brother Bear]]'' (2003)

* Present stalks! Harvester, salute!
** Who: Thorny
* (in-credits:) Spinning a web of safety in less in 15... Ow!
** Who: P.T.
** Source: ''[[A Bug's Life]]'' (1998)

* TRA-LA-LAAAAAAAA!!!
** Who: Captain Underpants/Mr. Krupp
* (in-credits:) NO!
** Who: Secretary
** Source: ''[[Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie]]'' (2017)

* Get a picture, boys. These kids will be making history!
** Who: L.B. Mammoth
* Hmph!
** Who: Darla Dimple
** Source: ''[[Cats Don't Dance]]'' (1997)

* Wilbur never forgot Charlotte. Although he loved her children and grandchildren dearly, none of the new spiders ever quite took her place in his heart. She was in a class by herself. It's not often that someone comes along who's a true friend and a good writer. Charlotte was both.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Charlotte's Web (1973 film)|Charlotte's Web]]'' (1973)

*Oh, Ace!
**Who: Movie Abby
**Source: ''[[Chicken Little (2005 film)|Chicken Little]]'' (2005)

* Hang on. Let's go over this again?
** Who: Fetcher
* (in-credits:) I don't know.
** Who: Nick
** Source: ''[[Chicken Run]]'' (2000)

* Coco!
** Who: Héctor
** Source: ''[[Coco (2017 film)|Coco]]'' (2017)

* Well, so long, glamor boy!
** Who: Jim Crow
** Source: ''[[Dumbo]]'' (1941)

* I'm so proud of you guys.
** Who: Kronk
** Source: ''[[The Emperor's New Groove]]'' (2000)

* Oh, how cute.
** Who: Yzma
** Source: ''[[Kronk's New Groove]]'' (2005)

* To kindness and love, the things we need most!
** Who: [[w:The Grinch|The Grinch]]
** Source: ''[[The Grinch (film)|Dr. Seuss' The Grinch]]'' (2018)

* Well, come on, Baggy buddy! Let's get back to where we belong. And get with the beat!
** Who: Baloo
** Source: ''[[The Jungle Book (1967 film)|The Jungle Book]]'' (1967)

* Yeah, man!
** Who: Baloo
** Source: ''[[The Jungle Book 2]]'' (2003)

* And so, all ended well for both Horton and Whos. And for all in the jungle, even Kangaroos. So let that be a lesson to one and to all. A person's a person. No matter how small.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Horton Hears a Who! (film)|Dr. Seuss' Horton Hears a Who!]]'' (2008)

* You done good, Beanpole. You done good. By the way, nice mustache.
** Who: [[w:The Lorax|The Lorax]]
** Source: ''[[The Lorax (film)|Dr. Seuss' The Lorax]]'' (2012)

* Somebody! Stop those pants!
** Who: Scrooge McDuck
** Source: ''[[DuckTales|DuckTales the Movie: Treasure of the Lost Lamp]]'' (1990)

* Aw, shit cunt!
** Who: Spanky Ham
** Source: ''[[The Drawn Together Movie: The Movie!]]'' (2010)

* Go fish.
** Who: Smiler
** Source: ''[[The Emoji Movie]]'' (2017)

* Everyone together...
* La Familia Madrigal!
** Who: Abuela Alma Madrigal
** Who 2: The Madrigals
** Source: ''[[Encanto (film)|Encanto]]'' (2021)

* Mmm... that was a good toast.
** Who: Ash
** Source: ''[[Fantastic Mr. Fox (film)|Fantastic Mr. Fox]]'' (2009)

* Yeah, forever.
** Who: Copper
** Source: ''[[The Fox and the Hound]]'' (1981)

* Yeah. Well, good night, Willie. Don't slam the roof. You might wake Mr. Bergen.
** Who: Mortimer
** Source: ''[[Fun and Fancy Free]]'' (1947)

* Enchante, Madamoiselle!
** Who: Goofy
** Source: ''[[A Goofy Movie]]'' (1995)

* You know, somehow I knew you would. Ah-yuck!
** Who: Goofy
** Source: ''[[An Extremely Goofy Movie]]'' (2000)

* Arlo!
** Who: Momma Ida
** Source: ''[[The Good Dinosaur]]'' (2015)

* From that time on, Basil and I were a close team, and over the years we had many cases together. But I shall always look back on that first with the most fondness: My introduction to Basil of Baker Street: ''The Great Mouse Detective.''
** Who: Dawson
** Source: ''[[The Great Mouse Detective]]'' (1986)

* Yeah, things are looking up around here now.
** Who: Pokey
** Source: ''[[Gumby: The Movie]]'' (1995)

* That's Phil's boy!
** Who: The Strong Man
* (post-credits:) What d'ya say? It's happy ending time! Everybody's got a little taste of something, but me! I got nothin'! I'm, I'm here with nothin'! Anybody listenin'? It's like I'm... What am I, an echo or something? Hello? Hello? Am I talking to, what, hyperspace? Hello, it's me! Nobody listens.
** Who: Hades
** Source: ''[[Hercules (1997 film)|Hercules]]'' (1997)

* Show's over, Eugene.
** Who: Gerald Johanssen
** Source: ''[[Hey Arnold!: The Movie]]'' (2002)

* Everybody smile.
** Who: Lucy Tucci
** Source: ''[[Home (2015 film)|Home]]'' (2015) 

* Don't you ever migrate?
** Who: Laverne
* (post-credits:) Good night, everybody! Whoo-hoo-hoo!
** Who: Hugo
** Source: ''[[The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1996 film)|The Hunchback of Notre Dame]]'' (1996)

* And I love Quasimodo!!
** Who: Madellaine
** Source: ''[[The Hunchback of Notre Dame II]]'' (2002)

* We've been through a lot lately, that's for sure. But we still love our girl. She has great new friends, a great new house. Things couldn't be better. After all, Riley's twelve now. What could happen?
** Who: Joy
* (in-credits:) No! Not this again!
** Who: Bus Driver's Emotions
** Source: ''[[Inside Out (2015 film)|Inside Out]]'' (2015)

* See you later.
** Who: Hogarth Hughes
** Source: ''[[The Iron Giant]]'' (1999)

* I take it back.
** Who: Jane
** Source: ''[[Is It College Yet?]]'' (2002)

* Oh!
** Who: Helen
** Source: ''[[Is It Fall Yet?]]'' (2000)

* And that is exactly what you had just seen.
** Who: Old Man
** Source: ''[[James and the Giant Peach]]'' (1996)

* Ah, the fucking autopilot's broke!
** Who: Jay
** Source: ''[[Jay &amp; Silent Bob's Super Groovy Cartoon Movie]]'' (2013)

* Onward, Mr Wiggles. We reach the cafeteria by dawn. Waaaaah!
** Who: Ms. Winifred Fowl
** Source: ''[[Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius (film)|Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius]]'' (2001)

* Listen to them, Soren. They want more stories. Well, come on, you lot. Let's not disappoint them. Ah. There's a good storm brewing. And if we're lucky, I'll be chock full of baggywrinkles.
** Who: Ezylryb
** Source: ''[[Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole]]'' (2010)

* Never too big. You will always be my Little Bear.
** Who: Mother Bear
** Source: ''[[The Little Bear Movie]]'' (2001)

* That does it, Charlie Brown! He is your dog, and you're welcome to him.
** Who: Lucy Van Pelt
** Source: ''[[Snoopy, Come Home]]'' (1972)

* Let's go, bulls!
** Who: [[w:Bill Murray|Bill Murray]]
* (post-credits:) Can l go home now?
** Who: [[w:Michael Jordan|Michael Jordan]]
** Source: ''[[Space Jam]]'' (1996)

* Th-th-th-that's all, folks!
** Who: [[w:Porky Pig|Porky Pig]]
** Source: ''[[Space Jam: A New Legacy]]'' (2021)

* Nice work. See you tomorrow!
** Who: Director
* Go home, folks.
** Who: [[w:Porky Pig|Porky Pig]]
** Source: ''[[Looney Tunes: Back in Action]]'' (2003)

* WILMA!
** Who: [[w:Fred Flintstone|Fred Flintstone]]
** Source: ''[[The Man Called Flintstone]]'' (1966)

* In the state of Texas, USA, life still goes on in the same old way. The Pecos River still flows on, but the greatest cowboy on earth is gone. Yeah, Bill went back to the coyotes, but he never forgot Sue. Every night when the moon was high, he'd lift his voice in a mournful cry, bewailing the fate of his lady fair, his long-lost love in the sky up there. So painful was his grief to see, the varmints joined in out of sympathy. That's how come, to this very day, coyotes howl at the moon that way.
** Who: Roy Rogers
** Source: ''[[Melody Time]]'' (1948)

* Bravo, my friends! Our three heroes have finally made their dream come true. I think this calls for one more song!
** Who: Troubadour
** Source: ''[[Mickey, Donald, Goofy: The Three Musketeers]]'' (2004)

* Gee, thanks for letting us share our Christmas spirit with you. [laughs] Merry Christmas, everybody!
** Who: Mickey Mouse
** Source: ''[[w:Mickey's Magical Christmas: Snowed in the House of Mouse|Mickey's Magical Christmas: Snowed in at the House of Mouse]]'' (2001)

* Aw, phooey!
** Who: Donald Duck
** Source: ''[[Mickey's House of Villains]]'' (2002)

* So in the end, love is the reason that Christmas is more than a gift-giving season. It's a time with our loved ones to show that we care, When families and neighbors come together to share. So, this Christmas season, let us all do our parts To keep Christmas spirit alive in our hearts.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: '' ''[[Mickey's Once Upon a Christmas]]'' (1999)

* So, at last, Mickey learned what he'd missed from the start. Bells and holly mean little without friends in your heart. The magic of Christmas has its rhyme and its reason. We hope you and yours have a most joyous season.
** Who: Narrator
* Ho ho ho!
** Who: Santa Claus
** Source: '' ''[[Mickey's Twice Upon a Christmas]]'' (2004)

* Welcome home!
** Who: A villager
* (post-credits:) Didn't help me though, did it? Still upside down here. Just need a little push. Can we be real? If my name was Sebastian and I had a cool Jamacian accent, you'd totally help me. You would. You know you would.
** Who: Tamatoa 
** Source: ''[[Moana (2016 film)|Moana]]'' (2016)
** Note: He is last seen after the credits, where he is still trapped and struggling to get off his shell, but to no avail. He asks the audience for assistance, and sarcastically quips that if his name was &quot;Sebastian&quot; and he had a Jamaican accent, the audience would feel happy to help him out (the reference to the supporting character of the same name from Disney's [[w:The Little Mermaid (1989 film)|The Little Mermaid]]). It is unknown if he ever got back up or if he starved.

* Wait, wait, wait, wa-wa-wait?! You were dating Derek, too?! That two-timing jerk!
** Who: B.O.B.
* (mid-credits:) Time to wave the white flag and head for the bunker, boys. Let's check the situation in 500 years! Who wants to freeze my head?
** Who: President Hathaway
** Source: ''[[Monsters vs. Aliens]]'' (2009)

* Mushu!
** Who: Great Ancestor
** Source: ''[[Mulan (1998 film)|Mulan]]'' (1998)

* Does a hero dragon deserve anything less? Draw my bath! Warm my towels! Let the pampering begin!
** Who: Mushu
** Source: ''[[Mulan II]]'' (2004)

* Okay! That is the most awesome name ever!
** Who: Pinkie Pie
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: The Movie (2017 film)|My Little Pony: The Movie]]'' (2017)

* I can't think of anything better.
** Who: Madison
** Source: ''My Scene Goes Hollywood: The Movie'' (2005)

* And the moral of our story is...
** Who: Yakko Warner
** Source: ''Wakko's Wish'' (1999)

* What a delightful scoundrel.
** Who: Winston
** Source: ''[[Oliver &amp; Company]]'' (1988)

* Whoa-ho, yeah-ha!
** Who: Barley Lightfoot
** Source: ''[[Onward (film)|Onward]]'' (2020)

* Left foot, right foot... Ah, who needs feet when you got fins! Whoo-hoo!
** Who: Tanglefoot
** Source: ''[[Ooops! Noah Is Gone...]]'' (2015)

* Oh, well. Out with the old, in with the new, huh?
** Who: Frank Detorre
** Source: ''[[Osmosis Jones]]'' (2001)

* There's a secret between you and me, Baby.
** Who: Higgins
** Source: ''[[The Outback (2012 film)|The Outback]]'' (2012)

* Shoot!
** Who: RJ
** Source: ''[[Over the Hedge]]'' (2006)

* And Liberty!
** Who: Liberty
** Source: ''[[PAW Patrol: The Movie]]'' (2021)

* Wait, wait, wait!
** Who: Phineas Flynn
** Source: ''[[Phineas and Ferb the Movie: Across the 2nd Dimension]]'' (2011)

* Well, I'll be! Ho-ho-ho! My, my! Solid gold, too. Oh, I think it's swell.
** Who: Jiminy Cricket
** Source: ''[[Pinocchio (1940 film)|Pinocchio]]'' (1940)

* Godspeed, John.
** Who: Thomas
** Source: ''[[Pocahontas (1995 film)|Pocahontas]]'' (1995)

* At one time, most of my friends could hear the bell. But as years passed, it felt silent for all of them. Even Sarah found, one Christmas, that she could no longer hear its sweet sound. Though I've grown old, the bell still rings for me. As it does for all who truly believe.
** Who: Adult Hero Boy
** Source: ''[[The Polar Express]]'' (2004)

* Sure!
** Who: Evie and Tori
** Source: ''PollyWorld'' (2006)

* Sugar, spice, and everything nice. These were the ingredients chosen to create the perfect little girl. But, Professor Utonium accidentally added an extra ingredient to the concoction. Chemical X. Thus, Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup were born. Using their ultra-super powers, they've dedicated their lives to fighting crime, and the forces of evil. And so for the very first time the day is saved thanks to... the Powerpuff Girls! Hey, that's a good name for them! Powerpuff Girls! Yeah! I like that! Wonder if ''they will?'' I'll run it by them. Powerpuff Girls! Mmm-hmm.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Powerpuff Girls Movie]]'' (2002)

* Well, I waited this long.
** Who: Charlotte LaBouff
** Source: ''[[The Princess and the Frog]]'' (2009)

* Yeah!
** Who: Background character
* (mid-credits 1) And gullible. I forgot to mention gullible.
** Who: [[w:Lucy|Lucy]]
* (mid-credits 2) A round of root beer for our hero the Flying Ace.
** Who: [[w:Marcie|Marcie]]
** Source: ''[[The Peanuts Movie]]'' (2015)

* Well done, Ayden.
** Who: Merlin
** Source: ''[[Quest for Camelot]]'' (1998)

* (theatrical version:) Rango!
** Who: The Mariachi Owls
* (extended version:) My fellow comrades. There will be times when you doubt yourself. When you feel pummeled by the catalclysms of life, remember this moment. Remember me. Know that I will be there, watching you... sometimes at inappropriate moments. That's part of the deal. And remember, that within all of us resides the true Spirit of We- Woah! Let's take it from the top.
** Who: Rango
** Source: ''[[Rango (2011 film)|Rango]]'' (2011)

* Hey, believe me, that story gets better when I tell it, okay? Come on! Bring some food over here, we're starving!
** Who: Django
** Source: ''[[Ratatouille]]'' (2007)

* Ba, welcome to Kumandra.
** Who: Raya
** Source: ''[[Raya and the Last Dragon]]'' (2021)

* Oh we're not late. We'll never going to be late again.
** Who: Rigby
** Source: ''[[Regular Show: The Movie]]'' (2015)

* Aw, phooey! Phooey!
** Who: Robert Benchley
** Source: ''[[The Reluctant Dragon (1941 film)|The Reluctant Dragon]]'' (1941)

* My name is Jack Frost, and I'm a Guardian. How do I know that? Because the Moon told me so. So when the Moon tells you something... ''believe it''.
** Who: Jack Frost
** Source: ''[[Rise of the Guardians]]'' (2012)

* Chel, we're not on the horse!
** Who: Tulio
** Source: ''[[The Road to El Dorado]]'' (2000)

* Well, folks, that's the way it really happened.
** Who: [[w:Alan-a-Dale|Allan-a-Dale]]
** Source: ''[[Robin Hood (1973 film)|Robin Hood]]'' (1973)

* Wait a minute, wait a minute! I-I-I was on the list! Come on, don't you know who I am? Wait! Whoa!
** Who: Tim the Gate Guard
** Source: ''[[Robots (2005 film)|Robots]]'' (2005)

* Hey, Edmond!
** Who: Chanticleer
** Source: ''[[Rock-a-Doodle]]'' (1991)

* As long as we're together. I'm ready to get baked and do anything.
** Who: Brenda
** Source: ''[[Sausage Party]]'' (2016)

* Thank you, Max.
** Who: Duke
* (mid-credits:) I'm home, Leonard. Were you a good boy, Leonard?
** Who: Leonard's Owner
* (post-credits:) All right, party's over!
** Who: Pops
** Source: ''[[The Secret Life of Pets]]'' (2016)

* Bye bye, momma and dada.
** Who: Liam
* (mid-credits:) Snowball, I'm back!
** Who: Molly
* (post-credits:) Okay. Moment's over.
** Who: Rooster
** Source: ''[[The Secret Life of Pets 2]]'' (2019)

* Oh, no!
** Who: Martin
** Source: ''[[The Secret of NIMH]]'' (1982)

* You got served!
** Who: The Shrimp
* Did somebody say CRAZY?!
** Who: Crazy Joe
* What you doing? Go on, get outta here! Go home! It's past your bedtime!
** Who: Mrs. Sanchez
** Source: ''[[Shark Tale]]'' (2004)

* Thanks, boy. Steady. Whoo-hoo!
** Who: Homer Simpson
* (mid-credits:) Smithers, I don't believe in suicides, but if you like to try, it would cheer me up to watch.
** Who: Mr. Burns
* (mid-credits 2:) This is Tom Hanks saying if you see me in person, please leave me be.
** Who: ''[[w:Tom Hanks|Tom Hanks]]''
* (in-credits:) Sequel?
** Who: Maggie Simpson
* (post-credits:) Four years of film school for this?
** Who: Squeaky-Voiced Teen
** Source: ''[[The Simpsons Movie]]'' (2007)

* All creatures great and small, welcome to the New Moon Theater!
** Who: Buster Moon
** Source: ''[[Sing (2016 film)|Sing]]'' (2016)

* Blue!
** Who: Merryweather
** Source: ''[[Sleeping Beauty]]'' (1957)

* Pro: if you go down there you'll meet lots of people. Con: Uh, you're not really a people person. Ugh, this is torture!
** Who: Fleem 
* (mid-credits:) Okay in 3, 2... On the next episode of... Wait am I missing a tooth?
** Who: Percy Patterson
** Source: ''[[Smallfoot (film)|Smallfoot]]'' (2018) 

* Blue cheese!
** Who: Everyone 
* (in-credits:) Am I going mad, Azrael? For the last time, get them to shut off this music!
** Who: [[w:Gargamel|Gargamel]]
** Source: ''[[Smurfs: The Lost Village]]'' (2017)

* Goodbye!
** Who: [[w:Snow White (Disney character)|Snow White]]
** Source: ''[[Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs]]'' (1937)

* Look!
** Who: Kyle Broflovski
* (post-credits:) Guys out there is hurted.
** Who: Ike Broflovski
** Source: ''[[South Park: Bigger, Longer &amp; Uncut]]'' (1999)

* I think I can handle it.
** Who: Chihiro Ogino (Sen)
** Source: ''[[Spirited Away]]'' (2001)
** Note: This line (per above) was heard in the English dub. The original Japanese dub's final line is &quot;Chihiro, let's get to our new home.&quot;

* Miles! Miles! Do you have a minute?
** Who: Gwen Stacy / Spider-Gwen
* You haven't seen pointing until I'm finished with you!
* You're accusing me of pointing while you're...!
** Who 1: Peter Parker / 1967 Spider-Man
** Who 2: Miguel O'Hara / 2099 Spider-Man
** Source: ''[[Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse]]'' (2018)

* You think you could handle them? They're not exactly easy to get along with.
** Who: Steven
** Source: ''[[Steven Universe: The Movie]]'' (2019)

* You love it.
** Who: Tulip
** Source: ''[[Storks (film)|Storks]]'' (2016)

* We did it. We really did it! Woo-hoo! Come on, guys! Yeah!
** Who: Richard
** Source: ''[[A Stork’s Journey]]'' (2017)

* Well, uh.... that's something like television. Without commercials.
** Who: Merlin
** Source: ''[[The Sword in the Stone (film)|The Sword in the Stone]]'' (1963)

* Yes, we are.
** Who: [[w:Flynn Rider|Eugene Fitzherbert]]
** Source: ''[[Tangled]]'' (2010)

* Ooo-ooo-ee-ah-ooo.
** Who: Jane Porter
** Source: ''[[Tarzan (1999 film)|Tarzan]]'' (1999)

* Woof!
** Who: Spot Helperman
** Source: ''[[Teacher's Pet (2004 film)|Teacher's Pet]]'' (2004)

* Wait, wait, wait, wait, WAIT! KIDS, ASK YOUR PARENTS WHERE BABIES COME FROM!
** Who: 2013 Robin
* (mid-credits:) This is the ''[[Teen Titans (TV series)|Teen Titans]]''! Can anyone hear us? We think we found a way back!
** Who: 2003 Robin
* Challengers! I believe we may have missed the motion picture!
** Who: Unknown Challenger
** Source: ''[[Teen Titans Go! To the Movies]]'' (2018)

* Avengers! Assemble!
** Who: James Rogers
** Source: ''Next Avengers: Heroes of Tomorrow'' (2008)

* And of course, they lived happily ever after.
** Who: Jacquimo
** Source: ''[[Thumbelina (1994 film)|Thumbelina]]'' (1994)

* We live together, we train together, we fight together, we stand for good, together. We are Ninjas. We strike hard, defend, protect and fade into the night. And there ain't no bad guy or monster gonna ever change that: That's what's important. And that's why we'll always be brothers. Oh, I love bein' a turtle.
** Who: [[w:Raphael (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Raphael]]
** Source: ''[[TMNT (film)|TMNT]]'' (2007)

* Tom! Jerry! Welcome to your new home!
** Who: Robyn Starling
** Source: ''[[Tom and Jerry: The Movie]]'' (1992)

* Til All Are One!, Till All Are One!, Till All Are One!
** Who: The Autobots
** Source: ''[[The Transformers: The Movie]]'' (1986)

* Up high!
** Who: Cloud Guy
* (in-credits:) But wait, wait, wait.
** Who: Creek
** Source: ''[[Trolls (film)|Trolls]]'' (2016)
** Note: After Poppy and the other Trolls make peace with the Bergens, Creek, along with Chef is knocked out of the Bergen castle. Chef then betrays Creek by trying to eat him, but before this can happen, both are eaten alive by a hill monster.

* Glitter!
** Who: Queen Barb
* (in-credits:) But who gonna eat my cheese balls, babe?
** Who: King Gristle, Jr.
** Source: ''[[Trolls World Tour]]'' (2020)

* And it looks like the winner is...
** Who: Sports Announcer
** Source: ''[[Turbo (film)|Turbo]]'' (2013)

* We've all got an inner beast. We've all got a messy, loud, weird part of ourselves hidden away. And a lot of us never let it out. But I did. How about you?
** Who: Mei Lee
** Source: ''[[Turning Red]]'' (2022)

* She's gonna be so excited.
** Who: Father of Moxy's owner
** Source: ''[[Uglydolls]]'' (2019)

* Another blue one.
** Who: Russell
** Source: ''[[Up (2009 film)|Up]]'' (2009)

* Cheeeeeeeeeese!
** Who: Hutch the Rabbit
** Source: ''[[Wallace &amp; Gromit in The Curse of the Were-Rabbit|Wallace &amp; Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit]]'' (2005)

* This is called farming! You kids are gonna grow all kinds of plants! Vegetable plants, pizza plants! Oh, it's good to be home!
** Who: Captain B. McCrea
** Source: ''[[WALL-E]]'' (2008)

* Gotcha!
** Who: Alex
** Source: ''[[Walking with Dinosaurs (film)|Walking with Dinosaurs]]'' (2013)

* All the world will be your enemy, Prince of a Thousand enemies. And when they catch you, they will kill you. But first they must catch you; digger, listener, runner, Prince with the swift warning. Be cunning, and full of tricks, and your people will never be destroyed.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Watership Down (film)|Watership Down]]'' (1978)

* Alright, guys, let's eat! I'm gonna do syrup and honey.
** Who: Grizzly Bear
** Source: ''[[We Bare Bears: The Movie]]'' (2020)

* Nick!
** Who: Flash
* (in-credits:) Come on! Shake your tails with me, come on! Yeah!
** Who: Gazelle
** Source: ''[[Zootopia]]'' (2016)

=== ''101 Dalmatians'' film series ===

* I'm hungry, mother.
** Who: Roley
** Source: ''[[One Hundred and One Dalmatians]]''

* Say &quot;spots!&quot;
** Who: Photographer
** Source: ''[[101 Dalmatians II: Patch's London Adventure]]''

=== ''Alvin and the Chipmunks'' animated movies'' ===
* Alvin!
** Who: Dave Seville
** Source: ''[[The Chipmunk Adventure]]'' (1987)

* How does that song go again?
** Who: Dr. Frankenstein
** Source: ''Alvin and the Chipmunks Meet Frankenstein'' (1999)

* Us? Wild?
** Who: Alvin
** Source: ''Alvin and the Chipmunks Meet the Wolfman'' (2000)

=== ''[[The Angry Birds Movie]]'' film series ===

* Guys! No!
** Who: Red
* (mid-credits:) Whoa!
** Who: Jay, Jake, and Jim
** Source: ''[[The Angry Birds Movie]]'' (2016)

* Jinx! Jinx! Jinx!
** Who: Chuck and Silver
* (in-credits:) Bye-bye.
** Who: Zoe's sister
** Source: ''[[The Angry Birds Movie 2]]'' (2019)

=== ''[[Aladdin]]'' film series ===

* Made ya look.
** Who: Genie
* (post-credits, special edition only:) You have been a fabulous audience! Tell you what, you're the best audience in the whole world. Take care of yourselves! Good night, Alice! Good night, Agrabah! Adios, amigos!
** Who: Genie
** Source: ''[[Aladdin (1992 Disney film)|Aladdin]]'' (1992)

* Does this mean I don't get my third wish?
** Who: Abis Mal
** Source: ''[[The Return of Jafar]]'' (1994)

* Wait a minute. We're not gettin' outta here, man! We're not gettin' outta here! Don't ya understand it, man? This is it, game's over, man!
** Who: Genie
** Source: ''[[Aladdin and the King of Thieves]]'' (1996)

=== ''Bambi'' film series ===

* Well, I don't believe I've ever seen a more likely looking pair of fawns. Prince Bambi ought to be mighty proud.
** Who: Friend Owl
** Source: ''[[Bambi]]'' (1942)

* Actually, I was a lot like you.
** Who: The Great Prince of the Forest
** Source: ''[[Bambi II]]'' (2006)

=== ''Barbie'' film series ===

* I always knew you could.
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie in the Nutcracker'' (2001)

* When you do that, you'll never go wrong.
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie as Rapunzel'' (2002)

* Wouldn't miss it.
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie of Swan Lake'' (2003)

* And, of course, Wolfie and Serafina lived happily ever after. Along with their many, many, many kittens.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''Barbie as The Princess and the Pauper'' (2004)

* I can't believe it! I'm flying!
** Who: Elina
** Source: ''Barbie: Fairytopia'' (2005)

* I'm trying!
** Who: Blush
** Source: ''Barbie and the Magic of Pegasus'' (2005)

* Secret seaweed, huh? Oh, that is clever of you to remember that!
** Who: Dandilion
** Source: ''Barbie Fairytopia: Mermaidia'' (2006)

* Yes, Papa. I'm finally on time for something.
** Who: Genevieve
** Source: ''Barbie in the 12 Dancing Princesses'' (2006)

* Goodbye, Elina! I know you look forward to seeing me again!
** Who: Fabien
** Source: ''Barbie Fairytopia: Magic of the Rainbow'' (2007)

* (gasps) A princess!
** Who: Tika
** Source: ''Barbie as the Island Princess'' (2007)

* Bye-bye! Whee!
** Who: A Flutterpixie
** Source: ''Barbie: Mariposa'' (2008)

* Now, where were we?
* ''[singing]'' Oh-whoa-oh. Two voices, one song...
** Who: Barbie and Teresa
** Source: ''Barbie and the Diamond Castle'' (2008)

* I think that would be amazing, Kelly.
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie in A Christmas Carol'' (2008)

* Right now, I've got somewhere else to be!
** Who: Corrinne
** Source: ''Barbie and the Three Musketeers'' (2008)
 
* Oopsie! Guess old habits die hard...girlfriend!
** Who: Raquelle
** Source: ''Barbie: A Fairy Secret'' (2011)

* Come on. I wanna introduce you to everyone!
** Who: Blair Willows/Princess Sophia
** Source: ''Barbie: Princess Charm School'' (2011)

* Merry Christmas!
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie: A Perfect Christmas'' (2011)

* Meribella! Put your hands up for me! Come on!
** Who: Keira
** Source: ''Barbie: The Princess &amp; The Popstar'' (2012)

* Come on, let's go!
** Who: Kristyn Farraday
** Source: ''Barbie In The Pink Shoes'' (2013)

* OK! Now, who's got the boarding passes?
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie and her Sisters: In a Pony Tale'' (2013)

* What on earth?
** Who: Bookhurst
** Source: ''Barbie and the Secret Door'' (2014)

* One, two, three, four!
** Who: Erika Juno
** Source: ''Barbie in Rock 'n Royals'' (2015)

* And thanks to Barbie, who was the one after all, everyone lived happily ever after.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''Barbie: Star Light Adventure'' (2016)

* How about you show me those moves?
** Who: Lindsey
** Source: ''Barbie &amp; Her Sisters in A Puppy Chase'' (2016)

* Look!
** Who: Chelsea
** Source: ''Barbie Dolphin Magic'' (2017)

* She's right. Barbie, I can't hold back any longer. I think I... wanna dance with you.
** Who: Ken
** Source: ''Barbie Princess Adventure'' (2020)

* New York! Emmie here, coming at you live from Times Square to announce the winner of the Spotlight Solo! Put your hands together for my friends, Barbie Roberts and Barbie Roberts! Otherwise known as Malibu and Brooklyn, the winners of the Spotlight Solo!
** Who: Emmie
** Source: ''Barbie: Big City, Big Dreams'' (2021)

=== ''[[w:Beauty and the Beast (franchise)|Beauty and the Beast]]'' film series ===

* Do I still have to sleep in the cupboard?
** Who: Chip Potts
** Source: ''[[Beauty and the Beast (1991 film)|Beauty and the Beast]]'' (1991)

* I'd be delighted.
** Who: Fife
** Source: ''[[w:Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas|Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas]]'' (1997)

* And it begins, uh, Lumiere, with trust. Where, with mutual respect, as I have always said all relationships must be firmly based on that. One must build on a firm foundation of trust and respect in order to flourish and flow; nourish and grow. Always attentive to the needs of the other and honesty, utter honesty is the key on which...
** Who: Cogsworth
** Source: ''[[w:Belle's Magical World|Belle's Magical World]]'' (1998)

=== ''Bratz'' film series ===

* It was original, captivating, stylized, and told me so much about each one of you. You're all getting A+'s!
** Who: Mr. Del Rio
** Source: ''Bratz: Starrin' &amp; Stylin'' (2004)

* We’re the girls..
* With the passion for fashion!
* And...
* We...
* Rock!
** Who: Jade, Cloe, Yasmin and Sasha
** Source: ''Bratz Rock Angelz'' (2005)

* Please, call me Henry, all right?
** Who: Gordon Murph
** Source: ''Bratz Babyz: The Movie'' (2006)

* So, after all that work and practice, we discovered that we were really good at a lot of different things. But, what we're best at is being best friends. By helping Anna win the contest, we all ended up winners and we felt like stars!
** Who: Sasha
** Source: ''Bratz Girlz Really Rock'' (2008)

=== ''Care Bears'' film series ===

* Care for me, Mrs. Cherrywood. Just care for me.
** Who: Mr. Cherrywood
** Source: ''[[The Care Bears Movie]]'' (1985)

* Yes, sir! Everything was back to the way it was. But, as always, it was just a little bit different, a little bit better, and a little bit more special—thanks to the Care Bears, the Care Bear Cousins, and thanks to... ''(laughs)'' Well, you all know who you are. I thank my lucky Stars that there are people out there like you who really do care. You're not afraid to share your feelings—and that, my friends, makes you all world-class Care Bear Champs!
** Who: The Great Wishing Star
** Source: ''[[Care Bears Movie II: A New Generation]]'' (1986)

* Goodbye!
** Who: The Care Bears
** Source: ''Care Bears: Journey to Joke-a-lot'' (2004)

* Twinkers, did you hear? Too Loud Bear finally got your name right!
** Who: Wish Bear
** Source: ''The Care Bears' Big Wish Movie'' (2005)

* You bet!
** Who: Cheer Bear
** Source: ''Care Bears: Oopsy Does It!'' (2007)

* Oopsy.
** Who: Oopsy Bear
** Source: ''Care Bears: To the Rescue'' (2010)

*Let's get this Giving Festival started!
** Who: Princess Starglo
** Source: ''Care Bears: The Giving Festival'' (2010)

*Later, gators, I've got stars to make!
** Who: Princess Starglo
** Source: ''Care Bears: Share Bear Shines'' (2011)

=== ''[[w:Cars (franchise)|Cars]]'' film series ===

* Yeah! Ka-chow!
** Who: Lightning McQueen
* (in-credits) Wait a minute here. They're just using the [[w:John Ratzenberger|same actor]] over and over. [[w:Pixar|What kind of a cut-rate production is this?!]]
** Who: Mack
* (post-credits:) No! There's an on-ramp close! I know it! I can feel it! Ah-ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
** Who: [[w:List_of_Cars_characters#Van and Minny|Van]]
** Source: ''[[Cars (film)|Cars]]'' (2006)

* Not if I see you first!
** Who: [[w:Mater (Cars)|Tow Mater]]
** Source: ''[[Cars 2]]'' (2011)

* Go!
** Who: Luigi
* (post-credits:) Hey, McQueen! You still there? McQueen! Ugh. Technology.
** Who: [[w:Mater (Cars)|Tow Mater]]
** Source: ''[[Cars 3]]'' (2017)

* Ha-ha, you're on!
** Who: Skipper
** Source: ''[[Planes (film)]]'' (2013)

* Ladies and gentleplanes! Turn your attention to the skies for today's featured aerial presentation! The Propwash Junction Corn Fest is proud to present the Piston Peak Air Attack team, and our very own world champion racer and firefighter, Dusty Crophopper!
** Who: Chug
* (in-credits:) Welcome to Death Valley National Park. Is it hot? ''(laughs weezily)'' Yes, it is.
** Who: Cad Spinner
* (post-credits:) Yay!
** Who: Drip
** Source: ''[[Planes: Fire &amp; Rescue]]'' (2014)

=== ''[[w:Cinderella (franchise)|Cinderella]]'' film series ===

* But, you see, I have the other slipper.
** Who: [[w:Cinderella (Disney character)|Cinderella]]
** Source: ''[[Cinderella (1950 film)|Cinderella]]'' (1950)

* Once upon a time, there was a big castle... and in this castle lived a prince and a princess...
** Who: Cinderella
** Source: ''[[Cinderella II: Dreams Come True]]'' (2002)

* And they lived happily ever after... again.
** Who: Cinderella
** Source: ''[[Cinderella III: A Twist in Time]]'' (2007)

=== ''[[w:The Croods (franchise)|The Croods]]'' film series ===

* Duh-duh-duh!
** Who: Belt and Sandy Crood
** Source: ''[[The Croods]]'' (2013)

* Dad was right after all, we were stronger together.
** Who: Eep Crood
** Source: ''[[The Croods: A New Age]]'' (2020)

=== ''[[w:DC Universe Animated Original Movies|DC Universe Animated Original Movies]]'' ===

* In other news, Gotham's mysterious defender...the Batman, was seen last night helping police apprehend the leaders...of an underworld, gun-running operation...
** Who: Summer Gleason
** Source: ''[[Batman and Mr. Freeze: Subzero]]'' (1998)
* Hi, old man.
** Who: Tim Drake
** Source: ''[[Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker]]'' (2000)
* Well, maybe an explosion now and then.
** Who: Kathy Duquesne
** Source: ''[[Batman: Mystery of the Batwoman]]'' (2003)
* If history has determined that gods can die... ...it has also proven that they may return from the dead. It would seem you can't be destroyed after all, Superman. It would seem.
** Who: Lex Luthor
** Source: ''[[Superman: Doomsday]]'' (2007)
* The pioneers gave up their safety, their comfort, and sometimes their lives to build our new west. They were determined to make the new world strong and free - an example to the world. Some would say that those struggles are all over. That all the horizons have been explored. That all the battles have been won. That there is no longer an American frontier. And we stand today on the edge of a new frontier. The frontier of unknown opportunities and perils. Beyond that frontier are uncharted areas of science. Unsolved problems of peace and war. Unconquered pockets of ignorance and prejudice. I'm asking each of you to be pioneers towards that New Frontier. My call is to the young in heart, regardless of age. Can we carry through in an age where we will witness not only new breakthroughs in weapons of destruction, but also a race for mastery of the sky and the rain, the ocean and the tides, the far side of space, and the inside of men's minds? All mankind waits upon out decision. A whole world waits to see what we shall do. And we cannot fail that trust, and we cannot fail to try.
** Who: John F. Kennedy
** Source: ''[[Justice League: The New Frontier]]'' (2008)

* Sir?
** Who: Alfred Pennyworth
** Source: ''[[Batman: Gotham Knight]]'' (2008)

* Look! It's Wonder Woman!
** Who: Little girl
** Source: ''[[Wonder Woman (2009 film)|Wonder Woman]]'' (2009)

* I've gotta go punch a clock with my other boss. I can see where this is gonna be a long commute.
** Who: Hal Jordan
** Source: ''[[Green Lantern: First Flight]]'' (2009)

* &quot;Late&quot;? Come on, it's... ...early.
** Who: Superman
** Source: ''[[Superman/Batman: Public Enemies]]'' (2009)

* I'm glad you agree. I've been thinking about a membership drive.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths]]'' (2010)

* It feels awesome! Check me out! I'm Robin, the Boy wonder! Are you kidding me? This rocks. Come on, old man, we've got bad guys who need chasing. This is the best day of my life.
** Who: Young Jason Todd/Robin
** Source: ''[[Batman: Under the Red Hood]]'' (2010)

* Hey.
** Who: Superman
** Source: ''[[Superman/Batman: Apocalypse]]'' (2010)

* He's not dead. He's up there fixing the sun. And when he's done, he'll be back.
** Who: Lois Lane
** Source: ''[[All-Star Superman (film)|All-Star Superman]]'' (2011)

* We got a new home to build. Come on. I'll tell you about the time I took on an army of Manhunters and my only backup was this squirrel.
** Who: Hal Jordan
** Source: ''[[Green Lantern: Emerald Knights]]'' (2011)

* Barbara's not crazy about the marriage counselor, but we're making progress. As for me, well, there's a real panic on. Somebody has threatened to poison the Gotham reservoir. He calls himself the Joker. I've got a friend coming who might be able to help. He should be here any minute.
** Who: Lieutenant James Gordon
** Source: ''[[Batman: Year One (film)|Batman: Year One]]'' (2011)

* I do have a plan! It's called the Justice League.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[Justice League: Doom]]'' (2012)

* Can we go so I can kiss you now?
** Who: Lois Lane
** Source: ''[[Superman vs. The Elite]]'' (2012)

* Ba-Batman... Darling!
** Who: Joker
** Source: [[Batman: The Dark Knight Returns (film)|''Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, Part One'']] (2012)

* I spent 10 years looking for a good death. This... This'll be a good life. Good enough.
** Who: Bruce Wayne
** Source: [[Batman: The Dark Knight Returns (film)|''Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, Part Two'']] (2013)

* Marry me.
** Who: Clark Kent
** Source: ''[[Superman: Unbound]]'' (2013)

* You're one helluva messenger. Thank you.
** Who: Bruce Wayne
** Source: ''[[Justice League: The Flashpoint Paradox]]'' (2013)

* The surface dwellers have killed our king. This is an act of war and they will pay.
** Who: Prince Orm
** Source: ''[[Justice League: War]]'' (2014)

* No.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[Son of Batman]]'' (2014)

* Bang.
** Who: Deadshot
** Source: ''[[Batman: Assault on Arkham]]'' (2014)

* I am Lex Luthor. I have a proposition for you.
** Who: Lex Luthor
** Source: ''[[Justice League: Throne of Atlantis]]'' (2015)

* Sometimes, Alfred... ...you have to have a little faith.
** Who: Bruce Wayne
** Source: ''[[Batman vs. Robin]]'' (2015)

* Time to look ahead, Kirk. You know what they say. The past is like another planet.
** Who: Superman
** Source: ''[[Justice League: Gods and Monsters]]'' (2015)

* Master Bruce is having a heart-to-heart with Damian. One can't help feeling bad. Despite her madness, she was his mother.
** Who: Alfred Pennyworth
** Source: ''[[Batman: Bad Blood]]'' (2016)

* Raven, release me. You're too weak to keep me in here, you filthy witch! I'll get out! I'll kill everyone you love. RAVEN!!!
** Who: Trigon
** Source: ''[[Justice League vs. Teen Titans]]'' (2016)

* Yeah, Dad, I just got back from the lacrosse game. Going to practice some Wallball this weekend. Getting pretty good. Maybe another night, Dad, I got plans tonight. I can't help it if your daughter's so popular. I'll talk to you, later. Right then, back to work.
** Who: Barbara Gordon / Oracle
** Source: ''[[Batman: The Killing Joke (film)|Batman: The Killing Joke]]'' (2016)

* Now, that's what I call making yourself useful, love.
** Who: John Constantine
** Source: ''[[Justice League Dark (film)|Justice League Dark]]'' (2017)

* I talk to the dead. For no matter how rotted the corpse, there's always a tiny wisp of life left.
** Who: Brother Blood
** Source: ''[[Teen Titans: The Judas Contract]]'' (2017)

* Aw... Ain't that a shame? Wendel is headed back to his crummy house and all those cats without getting the help he so desperately needs. Oh, well, that's it for today's show. Till next time, folks. Be good to yourselves. 'Cause everyone else in the world is probably out to get you. Bye-bye!
** Who: Dr. Harleen Quinzel
** Source: ''[[Batman and Harley Quinn]]'' (2017)

* It was all phony anyway. We'll make something new. Something better.
** Who: Dickie
** Source: ''[[Batman: Gotham by Gaslight]]'' (2018)

* I'll be seeing you, Waller. Maybe in heaven.
** Who: Deadshot
** Source: ''[[Suicide Squad: Hell to Pay]]'' (2018)

* Superman?
** Who: Jimmy Olsen
** Source: ''[[The Death of Superman (film)|The Death of Superman]]'' (2018)

* Okay, who left the front door open?
** Who: Green Lantern
** Source: ''[[Reign of the Supermen (film)|Reign of the Supermen]]'' (2019)

* Jessica Cruz. It's an honor.
** Who: Brainiac 5
** Source: ''[[w:Justice League vs. the Fatal Five|Justice League vs. the Fatal Five]]'' (2019)

* Someday.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[w:Batman: Hush (film)|Batman: Hush]]'' (2019)

* You think I'm intimidated? I've won. I'm coming for you, Wonder Woman. Do you hear me, Wonder Woman? I am coming for you!
** Who: Veronica Cale
** Source: ''[[w:Wonder Woman: Bloodlines|Wonder Woman: Bloodlines]]'' (2019)

* I kind of like that last option.
** Who: Lois Lane
** Source: ''[[w:Superman: Red Son (film)|Superman: Red Son]]'' (2020)

* And some of those changes may be shite. And we may make the same mistakes again. It won't be perfect... but it'll be a long sight better than what we got now.
** Who: John Constantine
** Source: ''[[w:Justice League Dark: Apokolips War|Justice League Dark: Apokolips War]]'' (2020)

=== ''[[w:Despicable Me (franchise)|Despicable Me]]'' film series ===

* No, I'm fine. Go ahead. No, no, no!
** Who: Gru
* (post-credits:) I am Gru. Back to work! Back to work! Back to...
** Who: Kevin
** Source: ''[[Despicable Me]]'' (2010)

* I'm so happy!
** Who: Agnes Gru
** Source: ''[[Despicable Me 2]]'' (2013)

* Come on, He's my brother. We'll give him a 5 minute head start.
** Who: Felonious Gru
** Source: ''[[Despicable Me 3]]'' (2017)

* Freeze ray!
** Who: Felonious Gru
** Source: ''[[Minions (film)|Minions]]'' (2015)

=== ''[[w:Fantasia (franchise)|Fantasia]]'' film series ===

* The last number in our ''Fantasia'' program is a combination of two pieces of music so utterly different in construction and mood that they set each other off perfectly. The first is ''A Night On Bald Mountain'', by one of Russia's greatest composers, Modest Mussorgsky. The second is Franz Schubert's world-famous ''Ave Maria''. Musically and dramatically, we have here a picture of the struggle between the profane and the sacred. Bald Mountain, according to tradition, is the gathering place of Satan and his followers. Here on ''Walpurgisnacht'', which is the equivalent of our own Halloween, the creatures of evil gather to worship their master. Under his spell, they dance furiously until the coming of dawn and the sounds of church bells send the infernal army slinking back into their abodes of darkness. And then we hear the Ave Maria, with its message of the triumph of hope and life over the powers of despair and death.
** Who: [[w:Deems Taylor|Deems Taylor]]
** Source: ''[[Fantasia (1940 film)|Fantasia]]'' (1940)

* Camera back on me. Uh, camera back on me, please. Anyone? Hello? Hello? Could someone give me a ride home?
** Who: [[Steve Martin]]
** Source: ''[[Fantasia 2000]]'' (2000)

=== ''[[w:Finding Nemo (franchise)|Finding Nemo]]'' film series ===

* Bye, son.
** Who: Marlin
* (pre-credits:) Now what?
** Who: Bloat
** Source: ''[[Finding Nemo]]'' (2003)

* Yep. Unforgettable.
** Who: Dory
* (post-credits:) Now what?
** Who: Bloat
** Source: ''[[Finding Dory]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:Frozen (franchise)|Frozen]]'' film series ===

* That's it. Glide and pivot. Glide and pivot.
** Who: Olaf
** Source: ''[[Frozen (2013 film)|Frozen]]'' (2013)

* Ready?
** Who: Elsa
* (post-credits:) Oh. We live! We live! Good story.
** Who: Marshmallow 
** Source: ''[[Frozen II]]'' (2019)

=== ''[[w:Happy Feet (franchise)|Happy Feet]]'' film series ===

* Gracias.
** Who: Ramón
** Source: ''[[Happy Feet]]'' (2006)

* Ja, The Svened.
** Who: The Mighty Sven
** Source: ''[[Happy Feet Two]]'' (2011)

=== ''[[w:Hotel Transylvania (franchise)|Hotel Transylvania]]'' film series ===

* Alright, maybe just a little.
** Who: Dracula
* (in-credits) I didn't do that.
** Who: Elderly Gremlin
** Source: ''[[Hotel Transylvania|Hotel Transylvania]]'' (2012)

* I didn't do that.
** Who: Elderly Gremlin
** Source: ''[[Hotel Transylvania 2]]'' (2015)

* Yes!
** Who: Ericka van Helsing
** Source: ''[[Hotel Transylvania 3: Summer Vacation]]'' (2018)

=== ''[[w:Hoodwinked!|Hoodwinked!]]'' film series ===

* I always did like happy endings.
** Who: Red Puckett
** Source: ''[[Hoodwinked!]]'' (2005)

* Hey, girls. Let's call it a night.
** Who: Twitchy
** Source: ''[[Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil]]'' (2011)

=== ''[[w:How to Train Your Dragon|How to Train Your Dragon]]'' film series ===

* This is Berk. It snows nine months of the year and hails the other three. Any food that grows here is tough and tasteless. The people that grow here are even more so. The only upsides are the pets. While other places have ponies or parrots... we have... dragons!
** Who: Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III
** Source: ''[[How to Train Your Dragon (film)|How to Train Your Dragon]]'' (2010)

* This... is Berk. A bit trampled and busted and covered in ice, but it's home. It's our home. Those who attacked us are relentless and crazy. But those who stopped them? Oh, even more so! We may be small in numbers, but we stand for something bigger than anything the world can pit against us. We are the voice of peace. And bit by bit, we will change this world. You see, we have something they don't. Oh sure, they have armies and they have armadas... But we... we have... our dragons!
** Who: Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III
** Source: ''[[How to Train Your Dragon 2]]'' (2014)

* Legend says that when the ground quakes or lava spews from the earth, it's the dragons letting us know they're still here. Waiting for us to figure out how to get along. Yes, the world believes the dragons are gone, if they ever existed at all. But we Berkians, we know otherwise. And we'll guard this secret until the time comes when dragons can return in peace.
** Who: Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III
** Source: ''[[How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World]]'' (2019)

=== ''[[w:Ice Age (franchise)|Ice Age]]'' film series ===

* No, really...
** Who: [[w:List_of_Ice_Age_characters#Sid|Sid]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age (2002 film)|Ice Age]]'' (2002)

* Calm down! I saved you, little buddy! Remember!?
** Who: [[w:List_of_Ice_Age_characters#Sid|Sid]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: The Meltdown]]'' (2006)

* That's right, sweetheart. Welcome to the Ice Age.
** Who: [[w:List_of_Ice_Age_characters#Ellie|Ellie]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs]]'' (2009)

* No! Stop! Brother, rise above this base desire. Be more than a rodent.
** Who: Ariscratle
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: Continental Drift]]'' (2012)

* Mars: the red planet. Cold... dry... inhospitable to life. But billions and billions of years ago, Mars looked like this. There were lakes, rivers, oceans... the perfect conditions for life to form. So, what happened? Why was life unable to take hold? Where did the water go? We may never know.
** Who: [[w:List_of_Ice_Age_characters#Neil deBuck Weasel|Neil deBuck Weasel]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: Collision Course]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:The Incredibles (franchise)|The Incredibles]]'' film series ===

* Behold, the Underminer! I am always beneath you, but nothing is beneath me! I hereby declare war on peace and happiness! Soon, all will tremble before me!
** Who: The Underminer
** Source: ''[[The Incredibles]]'' (2004)

* Stop! Let us out! Here, large popcorn, small soda. Save me a seat. Center, about eight rows back. I'll be back before the previews are over!
** Who: [[w:Violet Parr|Violet Parr]]
** Source: ''[[Incredibles 2]]'' (2018)

=== ''[[Kim Possible]]'' film series ===

* No idea why I said that!
** Who: Ron Stoppable
** Source: ''[[Kim Possible: A Sitch in Time]]'' (2003)

* It finally happened! She's dating that loser! Kim Possible and Ron Stoppable are dating!? ''(Laughs loudly)''
** Who: Bonnie Rockwaller
** Source: ''[[Kim Possible Movie: So the Drama]]'' (2005)

=== ''[[w:Kung Fu Panda (franchise)|Kung Fu Panda]]'' film series ===

* Yeah.
** Who: [[w:List_of_Kung_Fu_Panda_characters#Master Shifu|Master Shifu]]
** Source: ''[[Kung Fu Panda]]'' (2008)

* My son is alive...
** Who: [[w:List_of_Kung_Fu_Panda_characters#Li Shan|Li Shan]]
** Source: ''[[Kung Fu Panda 2]]'' (2011)

* Panda Asthma.
** Who: [[w:List_of_Kung_Fu_Panda_characters#Li Shan|Li Shan]]
** Source: ''[[Kung Fu Panda 3]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:Lady and the Tramp|Lady and the Tramp]]'' film series ===

* Huh? I haven't? Well, uh, as Old Reliable used to say... He'd say, uh, uh... He'd say, uh, uh... Doggone. You know, I clean forgot what it was he used to say!
** Who: Trusty
** Source: ''[[Lady and the Tramp]]'' (1955)

* Angel!
** Who: Junior
** Source: ''[[Lady and the Tramp II: Scamp's Adventure]]'' (2001)

=== ''[[w:The Land Before Time (franchise)|The Land Before Time]]'' film series ===

* And they all grew up together in the valley, generation upon generation, each passing on to the next. The tale of their ancestors' journey to the valley, long ago.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time]]'' (1988)

* But I still can't wait to grow up.
** Who: Littlefoot
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time II: The Great Valley Adventure]]'' (1994)

* And so, as it turned out, the dinosaurs traveled from green spot to green spot, eating their fill, each helping the others to find what they needed, each learning the special kind of joy, which comes from giving to others. And in the years to come, this story of sharing was told over and over again, until it became known as: &quot;The Time of the Great Giving.&quot;
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time III: The Time of the Great Giving]]'' (1995)

* And so, it came to pass that the migrating dinosaurs left the Great Valley for lands unknown. And yes, Littlefoot and his friends, Cera, Ducky, Petrie and Spike, would indeed meet Ali again one day. But that's another story.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time IV: Journey Through the Mists]]'' (1996)

* It's great to be home.
** Who: Cera
** ''[[The Land Before Time V: The Mysterious Island]]'' (1997)

* And so, another myth was born. It would change with each retelling. And even now, who knows how this one will end.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time VI: The Secret of Saurus Rock]]'' (1998)

* Oh, no! Oh, no! But we are plenty smart, right, Spike?
* Uh-huh.
** Who 1: Ducky
** Who 2: Spike
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time VII: The Stone of Cold Fire]]'' (1999)

* The families would be happy here until the Great Circle began to warm the land once more, melting the white ground sparkles and allowing new life to spring up, turning the earth green again. Then they could return to the Great Valley, where they could all get a good night's sleep, even Ducky.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time VIII: The Big Freeze]]'' (2001)

* This adventure was at an end. Still, Littlefoot, Cera, Ducky, Petrie and Spike knew in their hearts that there would be many more adventures yet to come.
** Who: Narrator
** Source:''[[The Land Before Time IX: Journey to Big Water]]'' (2002)

* I just have one question. Do we HAVE to go back through the swamp?
** Who: Ducky
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time X: The Great Longneck Migration]]'' (2003)

* And every nibbling day, the dinosaurs of the Great Valley gathered to celebrate these small things of life which mattered so much.
* Got you!
** Who 1: Narrator
** Who 2: Petrie
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time XI: Invasion of the Tinysauruses]]'' (2005)

* Many changes had occurred on this day of changes. And many more would follow. The dinosaur families understood this. They knew that change was a part of life in the Great Valley.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time XII: The Great Day of the Flyers]]'' (2006)

* In their journey to Berry Valley, the young dinosaurs had discovered that wisdom came in many different forms. And they knew that more lessons lay before them as they grew in the land before time.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time XIII: The Wisdom of Friends]]'' (2007)

* Littlefoot had found his father. And he found something else, too... Something he wasn't looking for. The realization that he and his friends would always be together... till the end of their days... in the Land Before Time.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time XIV: Journey of the Brave]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:The Lego Movie (franchise)|The Lego Movie]]'' film series ===

* Oh, man.
** Who: Emmet Brickowski
** Source: ''[[The Lego Movie]]'' (2014)

* Wow, that was fun! Really hope nobody was recording that. Let me see. Oh, this thing is on. This thing is recording.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[The Lego Batman Movie]]'' (2017)

* B mark.
** Who: Director
** Source: ''[[The Lego Ninjago Movie]]'' (2017)

* An original album of ''Everything is Awesome''?! Wait a minute. Is that...? 
** Who: Emmet Brickowski
** Source: ''[[The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part]]'' (2019)

=== ''[[w:Lilo &amp; Stitch (franchise) (franchise)|Lilo &amp; Stitch]]'' film series ===

* Wait.
** Who: Stitch
** Source: ''[[Lilo &amp; Stitch]]'' (2002)

* And with 626, they make one hotshot evil genius experiment-catching team!
** Who: Jumba Jookiba
* (post-credits:) I'll get the wig.
** Who: Wendy Pleakley
** Source: ''[[Stitch! The Movie]]'' (2003)

* Mom would be so proud of you.
** Who: Nani Pelekai
** Source: ''[[Lilo &amp; Stitch 2: Stitch Has a Glitch]]'' (2005)

* Aloha!
** Who: The Pelekai ''ʻohana'': Lilo Pelekai, Stitch, Nani Pelekai, David Kawena, Jumba Jookiba, Wendy Pleakley, Mertle Edmonds, and many of Jumba's genetic experiments (Stitch's &quot;cousins&quot;)
** Source: ''[[Leroy &amp; Stitch]]'' (2006)

=== ''[[w:The Lion King (franchise)|The Lion King]]'' film series ===

* Remember...
** Who: Mufasa's Ghost
** Source: ''[[The Lion King]]'' (1994)

* Well done, my son. We are one.
** Who: Mufasa's Ghost
** Source: ''[[The Lion King II: Simba's Pride]]'' (1998)

* Uh, Timon? I still don't do so well in crowds.
** Who: Pumbaa
** Source: ''[[The Lion King 1½]]'' (2004)

=== ''[[w:The Little Mermaid (franchise)|The Little Mermaid]]'' film series ===

* I love you, daddy.
** Who: Ariel
** Source: ''[[The Little Mermaid (1989 film)|The Little Mermaid]]'' (1989)

* Hi.
** Who: Melody
** Source: ''[[The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea]]'' (2000)

* That's my girl. Samba? Ooh-wa, ooh-wa! 
** Who: Benjamin
** Source: ''[[The Little Mermaid: Ariel's Beginning]]'' (2008)

=== ''[[w:Madagascar (franchise)|Madagascar]]'' film series ===

* Nah. Just smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave.
** Who: Skipper
** Source: ''[[Madagascar (2005 film)|Madagascar]]'' (2005)

* Shake 'em. Shake 'em. Shake 'em. Shake 'em...
** Who: King Julian XII
** Source: ''[[Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa]]'' (2008)

* Hey, Skipper, what did you end up doing with the crazy lady, anyway?
** Who: Alex
** Source: ''[[Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted]]'' (2012)

* You know, if I'm being honest, I expected a little more... pizzazz! Yes! Now, that's pizzazz!
** Who: King Julian XII
** Source: ''[[Penguins of Madagascar]]'' (2014)

=== ''[[w:Monsters, Inc. (franchise)|Monsters, Inc.]]'' film series ===

* Kitty!
** Who: Boo
** Source: ''[[Monsters, Inc.]]'' (2001)

* You better believe it.
** Who: Mike Wazowski
* (post-credits:) Great.
** Who: Student Slug Monster
** Source: ''[[Monsters University]]'' (2013)

=== ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls'' film series ===

* Just a hunch.
** Who: Pinkie Pie
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Equestria Girls]]'' (2013)

* One! Two! Three! Four!
** Who: Human Pinkie Pie
* (post-credits:) No doubt about it, Spike, there's definitely something strange going on at that school.
** Who: Human Twilight Sparkle (Sci-Twi)
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Rainbow Rocks]]'' (2014)

* Make that the ''second'' strangest.
** Who: Princess Twilight Sparkle
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Friendship Games]]'' (2015)

* Where did the magic that hit this cave come from?
** Who: Sunset Shimmer
* (post-credits:) Let's celebrate!
** Who: Human Pinkie Pie
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Legend of Everfree]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:The Nut Job|The Nut Job]]'' film series ===

* Any more big ideas? Please stay.
** Who: Norvirus Raccoon
** Source: ''[[The Nut Job]]'' (2014)
** Note: A mid-credits scene reveals that Raccoon and Cardinal survived and were drifted out to sea, but sharks now surround them, leaving their fate ambiguous.

* Ride, Precious! Ride! Hiyah!
** Who: Surly
** Source: ''[[The Nut Job 2: Nutty by Nature]]'' (2017)

=== ''[[w:Open Season (franchise)|Open Season]]'' film series ===

* Wait, wait. No. No. No!
** Who: Shaw
** Source: ''[[Open Season]]'' (2006)

* Come on!
** Who: Elliot
** Source: ''[[Open Season 2]]'' (2009)

* Boop!
** Who: Allistar
** Source: ''[[Open Season 3]]'' (2011)

* No.
** Who: Boog
** Source: ''[[Open Season: Scared Silly]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:The Rescuers|The Rescuers]]'' film series ===

* I sure wish we'd have taken the train.
** Who: Bernard
** Source: ''[[The Rescuers]]'' (1977)

* Help! Anybody! Bernard! Bianca! Where are you? Okay, that's it, I'm out of here. This is ridiculous. You can't leave me here alone. I'm gone! I am gone. Oh. Aw, no, stay in those eggs! That's a direct order! Oh. Hey, you're kind of a cute little feller. Coochy, coochy... Yeowww! Whoa! Ohhh!
** Who: Wilbur
** Source: ''[[The Rescuers Down Under]]'' (1990)

=== ''[[w:Rio (franchise)|Rio]]'' film series ===

* That's my big brave boy.
** Who: Linda Gunderson
* (in-credits:) I love you, Rio!
** Who: Luiz
** Source: ''[[Rio (film)|Rio]]'' (2011)

* That's the end?
** Who: Pedro
** Source: ''[[Rio 2]]'' (2014)

=== ''Rugrats'' film series ===

* Way to go, Dilly!
** Who: Tommy Pickles, Chuckie Finster, Phil and Lil Deville
** Source: ''[[The Rugrats Movie]]'' (1998)

* Well, Tommy. I guess this is the way things are gonna be from now on.
** Who: Chuckie Finster
** Source: ''[[Rugrats in Paris: The Movie]]'' (2000)

* Well, Eliza, as dog is my witness, I'll never lose my babies again!
** Who: Spike the Dog
** Source: ''[[Rugrats Go Wild]]'' (2003)

=== ''[[w:Shrek (franchise)|Shrek]]'' film series ===

* Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe.
** Who: [[w:Donkey (Shrek)|Donkey]]
** Source: ''[[Shrek]]'' (2001)

* Hey Donkey, that's Spanish!
** Who: [[w:Puss in Boots (Shrek)|Puss in Boots]]
* (mid-credits:) Look at our little mutant babies! I gotta get a job!
** Who: [[w:Donkey (Shrek)|Donkey]]
** Source: ''[[Shrek 2]]'' (2004)

* I got it.
** Who: [[w:Shrek (character)|Shrek]]
** Source: ''[[Shrek the Third]]'' (2007)

* No, it was ''you'' that rescued ''me.''
** Who: [[w:Shrek (character)|Shrek]]
** Source: ''[[Shrek Forever After]]'' (2010)

* This is the story of a cat who became a hero. An outlaw dedicated to justice and a lover of beautiful woman. A great, great lover. Really, it is crazy. I am Puss in Boots! And my name would become legend.
** Who: [[w:Puss in Boots (Shrek)|Puss in Boots]]
* (in-credits:) Oh!
** Who: Oh Cat
** Source: ''[[Puss in Boots (2011 film)|Puss in Boots]]'' (2011)

=== ''[[w:SpongeBob SquarePants (film series)|SpongeBob SquarePants]]'' film series ===

* Are you crazy? I was just gonna tell you that your fly is down. Manager! This is the greatest day of my life!
** Who: SpongeBob SquarePants
* (post credits:) Okay.
** Who: Captain Bart the Pirate
** Source: ''[[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie]]'' (2004)

* See you later, te-ammate!
** Who: [[w:SpongeBob SquarePants (character)|SpongeBob SquarePants]]
* That was pretty good actually.
** Who: Bubbles
* (in-credits:) You know what this needs? A little interpretive dance!
** Who: [[w:Squidward Tentacles|Squidward Tentacles]]
** Source: ''[[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water]]'' (2015)

* Order up!
** Who: [[w:SpongeBob SquarePants (character)|SpongeBob SquarePants]]
** Source: ''[[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge on the Run]]'' (2020)

=== ''[[w:Surf's Up (film)|Surf's Up]]'' film series ===

* Cody would never do this.
** Who: Edna Maverick
** Source: ''[[Surf's Up]]'' (2007)

* Okay, That's a wrap on this episode of &quot;Are they still cool? Surf Edition&quot;. Aaaand cut.
** Who: Announcer
** Source: ''[[Surf's Up 2: WaveMania]]'' (2017)

=== ''[[w:Toy Story (franchise)|Toy Story]]'' film series ===

* Oh, what is it? What is it? Wow! A puppy!
** Who: Andy Davis
** Source: ''[[Toy Story]]'' (1995)

* Besides, when it all ends, I'll have old Buzz Lightyear to keep me company - for infinity and beyond.
** Who: Woody
* Yeah!
** Who: Wheezy
* (outtakes:) A little break, okay. Phew.
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''[[Toy Story 2]]'' (1999)

* So long, partner. Oh hey, Buzz! You haven't met Bonnie's toys yet! 
** Who: Woody
* (in-credits:) Just go with it, Buzz.
** Who: Jessie
** Source: ''[[Toy Story 3]]'' (2010)

* He's not lost. Not anymore. To infinity...
* ...and beyond.
** Who 1: Buzz Lightyear
** Who 2: Woody
* (mid-credits 1:) Oh yeah. Leave it to us, Jermiah.
** Who: Ducky
* (mid-credits 2:) Yeah. We know exactly what to do.
** Who: Bunny
* (mid-credits 3:) Whoa.
** Who: Duke Caboom
* (mid-credits 4:) I don't know.
** Who: Forky
* (post-credits:) Caboom! Yes.
** Who: Duke Caboom
** Source: ''[[Toy Story 4]]'' (2019)

* To infinity...
* ...and beyond.
** Who 1: Izzy Hawthorne
** Who 2: Buzz Lightyear
* (mid-credits:) [laughs] Laser Shield.
**Who: Commander Burnside
*(post-credits:) Ask the bromite swamps, a breathtaking sight or so I am told, but if you're in a hurry, this would be your most direct route. Any questions? Hello? Oh...
**Who: E.R.I.C.
** Source: ''[[Lightyear (film)|Lightyear]]'' (2022)

=== ''[[Winnie the Pooh]]'' film series ===

* Wherever they go, and whatever happens to them on the way, in their enchanted place on top of the forest, a little bear will always be waiting.
** Who: The narrator
** Source: ''[[The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh]]'' (1977)

* Yes, Piglet. It's the least we could do... for a very small Piglet who's done such very big things. Thank you, Piglet.
** Who: Pooh
** Source: ''[[Piglet's Big Movie]]'' (2003)

* And so it is here we shall leave them. And here we shall find them again. For the boy and the bear will always be together in this remarkable place called the Hundred Acre Wood.
** Who: The narrator
** Source: ''[[Pooh's Grand Adventure: The Search for Christopher Robin]]'' (1997)

* You know, we never really did capture a Heffalump that day. It was more like... like Lumpy captured all of us.
** Who: Pooh
** Source: ''[[Pooh's Heffalump Movie]]'' (2005)

* You were right! I love Hallowoon! Hallow-woo... Hallow... Oh, whatever. As long as we're together!
** Who: Lumpy
** Source: ''[[Pooh's Heffalump Halloween Movie]]'' (2006)

* Look this way, everybody. Closer. Smile!
** Who: Christopher Robin
** Source: ''[[The Tigger Movie]]'' (2000)

* Silly old bear.
** Who: Christopher Robin
* (post-credits:) Wow! It's amazing what you can find in the woods. A marble! And a boot! And oh, my, that's a scary-lookin' fella. Gosh! Maybe these are his things. You know, I better pick 'em up so they won't get broken. That's the last thing I would want. Whoa!  Oh, my gosh! Is this a pit? I think I'm in a pit! Hello? Anybody up there? Oh, well. I sure hope that fella will be back soon.
** Who: The Backson
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh (film)|Winnie the Pooh]]'' (2011)
** Note: He comes out of the scary woods and proves to be real but instead of being a monstrous beast, he is actually very kind and the bait Pooh and the other left for him he decided to pick them up to return to them but falls into the pit as planned. He decides to wait for someone to help him out and hopes he'll be back soon.

* And so another Christmas came and went in the Hundred Acre Wood. It had been a joyous season of giving for all our friends, but especially for a little bear named Winnie the Pooh.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh: Seasons of Giving]]'' (1999)

* Not bad! But it could've used a few more jingly bells.
** Who: Tigger
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh: A Very Merry Pooh Year]]'' (2002)

* BBFN: Bye-Bye For Now!
** Who: Roo
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh: Springtime With Roo]]'' (2004)

=== ''[[Winx Club]]'' film series ===

* And thus, the fairy that was searching for her origins learned to believe in herself, and to trust the people she loved. She stayed true to herself, and to what she believed in, and won her greatest battle, saving her kingdom, freeing her people, and reuniting her family, and finally becoming a true guardian fairy. And now written in the Book of Fate, there's a new Company of Light... the Winx!
** Who: Bartelby (Dubbing Brothers)
* And so, the most strong-willed of all fairies overcame the greatest challenge. She learned to believe in herself and trust the people she loved. She stayed true to what was in her heart and in doing so she saved a kingdom, freed her people, and reunited her long-lost family. And finally, she became a true Guardian Fairy. And now written in the Book of Fate, there's a new Company of Light, called... the Winx!
** Who: Bartelby (Atlas Oceanic)
* (pre-credits:) And soon we'll loop their stupid little fairy wings right off their bodies!
** Who: Icy (Dubbing Brothers)
* (pre-credits:) And soon we reap their weak little fairy wings right of their bodies!
** Who: Icy (Atlas Oceanic)
** Source: ''[[Winx Club: The Secret of the Lost Kingdom]]'' (2007)

* Daddy...
** Who: Bloom
* (post-credits:) Ta-da!!!
** Who: Stella
** Source: ''[[Winx Club 3D: Magical Adventure]]'' (2010)

* Kiko... Thank you! I'm really dying for an ice cream!
** Who: Sky
** Source: ''[[Winx Club: The Mystery of the Abyss]]'' (2014)

=== ''[[w:Wreck-It Ralph (franchise)|Wreck-It Ralph]]'' film series ===

* But I gotta say, the best part of my day is when I get thrown off the roof. Because when the Nicelanders lift me up, I get a perfect view of Sugar Rush, and I can see Vanellope racing. The kid's a natural, the players love her, glitch and all, just like I knew they would. Turns out I don't need a medal to tell me I'm a good guy. Because if that little kid likes me... how bad can I be?
** Who: [[w:Wreck-it Ralph (character)|Wreck-it Ralph]]
** Source: ''[[Wreck-It Ralph]]'' (2012)

* Come on Felix, let's get to work, buddy.
* (mid-credits:) No, the kitty gets the milkshake. The bunny gets the pancake.
* (post-credits:) Oh no, why would I?! I like you! You guys still sticking around? Alright well, you're welcome to stay, there's not really anymore surprises but you know. Good luck getting that song out of your head it's a real ear wig. Anyway what else uh...
** Who: [[w:Wreck-it Ralph (character)|Wreck-it Ralph]]
** Source: ''[[Ralph Breaks the Internet]]'' (2018)

== Streaming service films ==

=== Disney+ films ===

* Hey! Movie's over! Go home!
** Who: Terry
** Source: ''[[Soul (2020 film)|Soul]]'' (2020)

=== Netflix films ===

* Well, rickety biscuit.
** Who: Edmée
** Source: ''[[Arlo the Alligator Boy]]'' (2021)

* Yay! I missed you so much!
** Who: GIR
** Source: ''[[Invader Zim: Enter the Florpus]]'' (2019)

* No!
** Who: Bobby Santiago
* (in-credits:) Just the right amount of cinnamon.
** Who: Lincoln Loud
** Source: ''[[The Loud House Movie]]'' (2021)

* Whew! Hey, guys. What did I miss? ''Aaaaaahhhhh''--
** Who: Balloon Pony
* (post-credits:) Me first!
** Who: Kid Earth Pony 1
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: A New Generation]]'' (2021)

* Woo-hoo...Oof!
** Who: Hilda
** Source: ''[[Hilda and The Mountain King]]'' (2021)

* Two thousand one boogers on the wall, two thousand and one boogers... Pick one out and flick it off, two thousand and two boogers on the wall. Two thousand and two boogers on the wall, two thousand and two boogers...
** Who: Mr. Dupette
** Source: ''[[Rocko's Modern Life: Static Cling]]'' (2019)

=== Paramount+ films ===

* We just had another call asking to speak with Victor Chouce. You're quite a popular man, Victor. I wonder what all the fuss is about. Don't feel like talking, huh? You will.
** Who: Warden
** Source: ''[[South Park: Post Covid]]'' (2021)

* Remember folks, weed can't solve all your problems but tegridy can. Tegridy Weeeed.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[South Park: Post Covid: The Return of Covid]]'' (2021)

* Yeah, well, you see, ManBearPig, eventually, he gonna kill everybody. He just gonna kill you first.
** Who: Pi-Pi
** Source: ''[[South Park: The Streaming Wars]]'' (2022)

* Yeah, but that all sounds really hard. We have enough water for the summer now. Fuck it. Let's smoke some weed!
** Who: Randy Marsh
** Source: ''[[South Park: The Streaming Wars Part 2]]'' (2022)

== Animated TV specials ==

* D.W., turn that thing off!
** Who: Arthur Read
** Source: ''Arthur's Perfect Christmas'' (2000)
* Well, you kids will never believe this, but I could almost swear I saw a cat – a Cat in the Hat, mind you – going down the street with a moss-covered three-handled family gradunza!
** Who: Mother
** Source: ''[[The Cat in the Hat (TV special)|The Cat in the Hat]]'' (1971)
* C'mon, sis. Let's go talk to Mom and Dad.
** Who: Michael
** Source: ''[[Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue]]'' (1990)

* There is a story, some kids tell about when the world was ruled by an evil adult. A story about a boy, his dad, a book, and a tree. It's the true story about how I found the book of KND and what I wrote in it. Five words only. We. Are. Kids. Next. Door.
** Who: Nigel Uno (Numbuh One)
** Source: ''[[Codename: Kids Next Door - Operation Z.E.R.O.]]'' (2006)

* It's taken me so many years, so many lifetimes, but at last I know where I'm going. Where I've always been going. Home, the long way round.
** Who: The [[Eleventh Doctor]]
** Source: ''[[Eleventh Doctor|Doctor Who: The Day of the Doctor]]'' (2013)

* Mr. Phillip has wished, and so I shall use my power. With a wave of my hands, I shall say, &quot;au revoir, Eiffel Tower!&quot;
** Who: Adil
** Source: ''[[Genie in the House|Genie in the House: Legend of the Dragon]]'' (2010)

* Oh, I love it, Philip, I love it too bits!
** Who: Max Baxter
** Source: ''[[Genie in the House|Genie in the House: Return to Balamkadaar]]'' (2008)

* We'll be waiting right here.
** Who: Stella Shortman
** Source: ''[[Hey Arnold!: The Jungle Movie]]'' (2017)

* Welcome, Christmas, bring your cheer. Cheer to all Whos far and near. Christmas Day is in our grasp, so as long as we have hands to clap, Christmas Day will always be just as long as we have. Welcome, Christmas. While we stand... Heart to heart... and hand to hand.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[w: How the Grinch stole Christmas|Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas]]'' (1966)

* Merry Christmas!
** Who: [[w:Santa Claus|Santa Claus]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: A Mammoth Christmas]]'' (2011)

* The ship is terrible! Not seaworthy! Bunny overboard!
** Who: [[w:List_of_Ice_Age_characters#Squint|Squint]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: The Great Egg-Scapade]]'' (2016)
** Note: Squint trying to sail away in a basket as a ship but unfortunately it sinks.

* Merry Christmas and happy Julianuary, everybody!
** Who: Mort
** Source: ''[[Merry Madagascar]]'' (2009)

* Two, three four!
** Who: River
** Source: ''My Scene: Jammin' in Jamaica'' (2004)

* To sharing secrets with the best friends anyone could ever have!
** Who: Chelsea
** Source: ''My Scene: Masquerade Madness'' (2004)

* What? It's none of your business!
** Who: Beth
** Source: ''Polly Pocket: Lunar Eclipse'' (2003)

* Still, it was mad fun!
** Who: Pia Pocket
** Source: ''Polly Pocket: 2 Cool at the Pocket Plaza'' (2005)

* Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho!
** Who: [[w:Santa Claus|Santa Claus]]
** Source: ''[[Stick Man]]'' (2015)

* Okay, next time, we're going to Mexico. OW!
** Who: Beast Boy
** Source: ''[[Teen Titans: Trouble in Tokyo]]'' (2006)

* Above all, do not lament my absence, for in my spark, I know that this is not the end, but merely a new beginning. Simply put, another transformation.
** Who: Optimus Prime
** Source: ''[[Transformers: Prime|Transformers: Prime - Predacons Rising]]'' (2013)

* First one inside gets to give him mouth to mouth!
** Who: Lee
* (post-credits:) It's the end of the movie? What movie?
** Who: Jonny 2X4
** Source: ''[[Ed, Edd n Eddy's Big Picture Show]]'' (2009)

* That night, the stars seemed to shine down on the forest with a special warm glow. Schaeffer wondered if he could have dreamt it all. Surely a star had fallen and spread magic in its path? And one special wish had come true, just now. And then Schaeffer stopped wondering, because he suddenly knew that if Broo had made it to the Evergreen Forest, then he would soon see Sophia and the Raccoons too.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Raccoons and the Lost Star]]'' (1983)

=== ''[[Futurama]]'' ===

* Well, we're boned.
** Who: Bender
** Source: ''[[Futurama: Bender's Big Score]]'' (2007)

* Because Bender knows love. And love doesn't share itself with the world. Love is suspicious, love is needy, love is fearful, love is greedy. My friends, there is no great love without great jealousy. I love you, meatbags.
** Who: Bender
** Source: ''[[Futurama: The Beast with a Billion Backs]]'' (2008)

* Faster! Faster! Slower!
** Who: Professor Farnsworth
** Source: ''[[Futurama: Bender's Game]]'' (2008)

* Go! Go!
** Who: Fry and Leela
** Source: ''[[Futurama: Into the Wild Green Yonder]]'' (2009)

=== ''[[The Jimmy Timmy Power Hour Specials]]'' ===

* GET OUT OF MY LAB!
** Who: Jimmy Neutron
** Source: ''Jimmy Timmy Power Hour'' (2004)

* Boys, boys! Please! This fighting over me has got to stop!
** Who: Cindy Vortex
** Source: ''Jimmy Timmy Power Hour 2: When Nerds Collide'' (2006)

* Okay, give him his brain back, boys.
** Who: Cindy Vortex
** Source: ''Jimmy Timmy Power Hour 3: The Jerkinators'' (2006)

=== ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls'' specials ===

* Me too!
** Who: Sour Sweet
** Source: ''Dance Magic'' (2017)

* Uh, sorry.
** Who: Human Rainbow Dash
** Source: ''Movie Magic'' (2017)

* Right.
** Who: Starlight Glimmer
** Source: ''Mirror Magic'' (2017)

* Oh, come on! Seriously?!
** Who: Human Rainbow Dash
** Source: ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Forgotten Friendship'' (2018)

* If you’re up for it.
** Who: Human Rarity
** Source: ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Rollercoaster of Friendship'' (2018)

* We’re baaaack!
** Who: Sunset Shimmer
** Source: ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Spring Breakdown'' (2019)

* Yeah, I guess it would’ve been!
** Who: Human Pinkie Pie
** Source: ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Sunset's Backstage Pass'' (2020)

=== ''[[Miraculous Ladybug]]'' ===

* Hmm.
** Who: Monk
** Source: ''[[Miraculous World: New York – United Heroez]]'' (2020)

* Coming to China, I found so much more than I'd ever hoped for: an amazing uncle, a new friend, and a new Mandarin teacher.
** Who: Marinette Dupain-Cheng
** Source: ''[[Miraculous World: Shanghai – The Legend of Ladydragon]]'' (2020)

=== ''Peanuts'' ===

* Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown!
** Who: Everyone
** Source: ''[[A Charlie Brown Christmas]]'' (1965)

* My grandmother lives in a condominium.
** Who: Charlie Brown
** Source: ''[[A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving]] (1973)

* To read Crime and Punishment by Dostoevsky. Happy New Year, Charlie Brown.
** Who: [[w:Linus van Pelt|Linus van Pelt]]
** Source: ''[[Happy New Year, Charlie Brown]]'' (1986)

* Ah...the Easter Beagle...
** Who: Lucy van Pelt
** Source: ''[[It's the Easter Beagle, Charlie Brown]]'' (1974)

* STUPID? What do you mean &quot;stupid&quot;?! Just wait till next year, Charlie Brown! You'll see! Next year at this same time, I'll find a pumpkin patch that is *real* sincere and I'll sit in that pumpkin patch until the Great Pumpkin appears. He'll rise out of that pumpkin patch and he'll fly through the air with his bag of toys. The Great Pumpkin will appear and I'll be waiting for him! I'll be there! I'll be sitting there in that pumpkin patch... and I'll see the Great Pumpkin. Just wait and see, Charlie Brown. I'll see that Great Pumpkin. I'll SEE the Great Pumpkin! Just you wait, Charlie Brown. The Great Pumpkin will appear, and I'll be waiting for him...!
** Who: Linus van Pelt
** Source: ''[[It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown]]'' (1966)

* Grandma?
** Who: Linus van Pelt
** Source: ''Happiness is a Warm Blanket, Charlie Brown'' (2011)

* Charlie Brown, get your stupid dog to stop playing this music!
** Who: Lucy van Pelt
** Source: ''[[It's the Pied Piper, Charlie Brown]]'' (2000)

=== ''Rankin/Bass'' ===

* Merry Christmas! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
** Who: Santa Claus
** Source: ''[[Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (TV special)|Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer]]'' (1964)

* Aaron's heart was filled with joy and love. And he knew at last that the hate he had carried there was wrong. As ALL hatred will ever be wrong. For more powerful, more beautiful by far than all the eons of sadness and cruelty and desolation which had come before, was that one tiny, crystalline second of laughter. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.
** Who: Our Storyteller
** Source: ''[[The Little Drummer Boy (film)|The Little Drummer Boy]]'' (1968)

* I'll be back on Christmas Day!
** Who: Frosty
** Source: ''[[Frosty the Snowman (TV special)|Frosty the Snowman]]'' (1969)

* Merry Christmas!
** Who: Children
** Source: ''[[Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town (film)|Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town]]'' (1970)

* Happy Easter Day!
** Who: Everyone
** Source: ''[[Here Comes Peter Cottontail]]'' (1971)

* Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!
** Who: Santa Claus
** Source: ''[['Twas the Night Before Christmas (1974 TV special)|'Twas the Night Before Christmas]]'' (1974)

* I dreamed unhappy things!
** Who: Santa Claus
** Source: ''[[The Year Without a Santa Claus]]'' (1974)

* And frosty, too!
** Who: Frosty and Crystal
** Source: ''[[Frosty's Winter Wonderland]]'' (1976)

* And may it be shiny, too!
** Who: Rudolph
** Source: ''[[Rudolph's Shiny New Year]]'' (1976)

* Okay!
** Who: Rudolph
** Source: ''[[Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July]]'' (1979)

* And so, the folks of Beansborough got their winter carnival after all. A tradition was saved. Summer Wheeze was permanently canned, and Mr. Twitchell decided to make sleds instead of trouble. He should have known he was no match for Mother Nature, or a little girl like Holly. Next stop: Winnipeg. Nice town, plenty of parking space, and lots of cocoa.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Frosty Returns]]'' (1992)

=== ''Marvel Rising'' franchise ===

=== ''Thomas and Friends'' specials ===

* Emily was delighted. That night, the engines talked about steamies, diesels, and airplanes, and they all agreed that Tidmouth sheds was the best place to be.
** Who: The narrator
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Calling All Engines]]'' (2005)

* But we're ALL leaders of the track!
* And he couldn't have been happier!
** Who 1: Thomas
** Who 2: The narrator
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|The Great Discovery]]'' (2008)

* I know, Thomas. Thank you.
** Who: Hiro
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Hero of the Rails]]'' (2008)

* And everyone giggled and jiggled.
** Who: The narrator
* (post-credits:) You'll be laughing on the other side of your boilers soon, silly steamies! ''(evil laugh)'' Yes...
** Who: Diesel 10
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Misty Island Rescue]]'' (2010)
** Note: The latter aforementioned line leads into the events of ''Day of the Diesels''. 

* And the two best friends giggled and jiggled with joy.
** Who: The narrator
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Day of the Diesels]]'' (2011)

* And no engine whistled louder than Thomas and Luke!
** Who: The narrator
* (in-credits:) It's me!
** Who: Rheneas
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Blue Mountain Mystery]]'' (2012)

* Knights in Shining Armor, on your mark, get set, go!
** Who: Sir Robert Norramby
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|King of the Railway]]'' (2013)

* Percy was sad to say goodbye to his new friend, but he was happy that he had his old friends beside him.
** Who: The narrator
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Tale of the Brave]]'' (2014)

* But I'm not Mr. Coffee Pot, my name is Glynn.
** Who: Glynn
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|The Adventure Begins]]'' (2015)

* One, two, threeeeeeeee!!!
** Who: Scuba divers' captain
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Sodor's Legend of the Lost Treasure]]'' (2015)

* Good idea! You ''are'' clever. Sometimes.
** Who: Ashima
* (in-credits:) OVER HERE! I'M FULL OF SURPRISES...!
** Who: Diesel
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|The Great Race]]'' (2016)

* What did I miss?
** Who: Henry
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Journey Beyond Sodor]]'' (2017)

* Thomas?
** Who: Ace
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Big World! Big Adventures!]]'' (2018)

=== ''Winnie the Pooh'' specials ===

* No worry! Take your time! Yum, yum!
** Who: Winnie the Pooh
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh and the Honey Tree]]'' (1966)

* And Piglet, too!
** Who: Piglet
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh and the Blustery Day]]'' (1968)

* Come on, everybody! Bounce!
** Who: Rabbit
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh and Tigger Too]]'' (1974)

* Of course you are. Silly old bear.
** Who: Christopher Robin
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh and a Day for Eeyore]]'' (1983)

* And so it was the most thankful day of Thanksgiving, for of all the things we've had or ever liked, the grandest thing we shall ever have is one another... or so it was said, by a bear named Winnie the Pooh.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''A Winnie the Pooh Thanksgiving'' (1998)

* And so as winter changes into spring, which changes into summer, there are things which go on forever unchanging, such as the way a certain boy cares for a certain bear. And we will know for as long as we care to remember, that somewhere in that enchanted place, on top of the forest... a boy and his bear... will always be playing.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''Winnie the Pooh: A Valentine for You'' (1999)

=== ''Winx Club'' specials ===

* I AM A FAIRY!!!
** Who: Bloom
** Source: ''Winx Club: The Fate of Bloom'' (2011)

* The Trix took the Dragon Flame!
** Who: Bloom
** Source: ''Winx Club: Revenge of the Trix'' (2011)

* I don't know, but I guess we'll find out... together.
** Who: Sky
** Source: ''Winx Club: The Battle for Magix'' (2011)

* Get over here!
** Who: Bloom
** Source: ''Winx Club: The Shadow Phoenix'' (2011)

[[Category:Last lines|Animated films]]</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153868</id>
      <parentid>3153867</parentid>
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      <contributor>
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      <comment>/* Animated TV specials */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="85922" xml:space="preserve">== Animated films ==

* I'm not sure, exactly. But this world is ours now. It's what we make of it.
** Who: 9
** Source: ''[[9 (2009 animated film)|9]]'' (2009)

* Stop attacking me! Why do you always have to attack me now?! Sit, stay, sit!
** Who: King Llort
** Source: ''[[A Troll in Central Park]]'' (1994)

* No laughing. I’m serious.
** Who: Nai Nai
** Source: ''[[Abominable (2019 film)|Abominable]]'' (2019)

* Man, I'm getting out of here.
** Who: [[w:Bing Crosby|Bing Crosby]]
** Source: ''[[The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad]]'' (1949)

* Bye-bye!
** Who: Rocky
** Source: ''[[The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle]]'' (2000)

* He'll be back.
** Who: Charlie B. Barkin
** Source: ''[[All Dogs Go to Heaven]]'' (1989)

* Hey, guys! I worked a little magic.
** Who: David
** Source: ''[[All Dogs Go to Heaven 2]]'' (1996)

* Buh-bye!
** Who: Fievel and Tanya Mousekewitz
** Source: ''[[An American Tail]]'' (1986)

* I think one day you'll find... that you're the hero you've been lookin'for.
** Who: Wylie
** Source: ''[[An American Tail: Fievel Goes West]]'' (1991)

* Huh? Wow!
** Who: Fievel Mousekewitz
** Source: ''[[An American Tail: The Treasure of Manhattan Island]]'' (1998)

* Sweet dreams, my little Fievel. Sweet dreams.
** Who: Mama Mousekewitz
** Source: ''[[An American Tail: The Mystery of the Night Monster]]'' (1999)

* So long, everybody.
** Who: Bartok
** Source: ''[[Anastasia (1997 film)|Anastasia]]'' (1997)

* To the animals, it now seemed that their world, which may or may not some day become a happy place to live in, was worse than ever for ordinary creatures, and another moment had come when they must do something about it...
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Animal Farm (1954 film)|Animal Farm]]'' (1954)

* There you have it. Your average 'boy-meets-girl, boy-likes-girl, boy-changes-underlying-social-order' story. So, what else can I tell you? We rebuilt the colony - it's even better than before, you know, 'cause now it has a very large indoor swimming pool. Bala and I, incidentally, are thinking of starting a family. You know, just a few kids, maybe a million or two to begin with. And I'm, I'm workin' with a new therapist, you know, terrific, absolutely terrific. He's, he's been putting me in touch with my inner maggot, which is helping me a great deal. And, you know, I finally feel like I've found my place. And you know what? It's right back where I started. But the difference is, this time I chose it.
** Who: Z
** Source: ''[[Antz]]'' (1998)

* Wait a minute. I'm the leader. I'll say when it's the end. It's the end.
** Who: Napoleon
** Source: ''[[The Aristocats]]'' (1970)

* So long, folks.
** Who: Bartok
** Source: ''[[Bartok the Magnificent]]'' (1999)

* I am.
** Who: Andrea Beaumont
** Source: ''[[Batman: Mask of the Phantasm]]'' (1993)

* Tool.
** Who: Butt-head
** Source: ''[[Beavis and Butt-head Do America]]'' (1996)

* Between you and me, I was dying to get out of that office.
** Who: Barry Benson
* (post-credits:) I had virtually no rehearsal for that.
** Who: Barry Benson
** Source: ''[[Bee Movie]]'' (2007)

* We didn't set out to be superheroes... But sometimes, life doesn't go the way you planned. The good thing is, my brother wanted to help a lot of people, and that's what we're gonna do. Who are we?
** Who: Hiro Hamada
* (post-credits:) We have a lot to talk about.
** Who: Fred's Dad
** Source: ''[[Big Hero 6]]'' (2014) 

* Nope. I've never seen him before in my life.
** Who: A pigeon
** Source: ''[[Bolt (2008 film)|Bolt]]'' (2008)

* Yep.
** Who: Doli
** Source: ''[[The Black Cauldron (film)|The Black Cauldron]]'' (1985)

* Bye!
** Who: Steve and Blue
** Source: ''[[Blue's Big Musical Movie]]'' (2000)

* Yay! They're staying! Let's do this....
** Who: Scoop
** Source: ''[[Bob The Builder: Mega Machines The Movie]]'' (2017)

* Hi there, baby sister.
** Who: Timothy's daughter
* (mid-credits:) Okay.
** Who: Mrs. Templeton
* (post-credits:) Wake up, little halflings. It's time to leave. Go and live your peasant lives. BE GONE WITH YOU!
** Who: Wizzie
** Source: ''[[The Boss Baby]]'' (2017)

* There are those who say fate is something beyond our command. That destiny is not our own, but I know better. Our fate lives within us. You only have to be brave enough to see it.
** Who: Merida
* (post-credits:) Delivery! Sign here, sign here! Come on, birdbrain! Haven't got all day!
** Who: The Crow
** Source: ''[[Brave (2012 film)|Brave]]'' (2012)

* My brother Kenai went on to live with Koda and the other bears. He taught me that love is very powerful. And I passed on the wisdom of his story to our people. The story of a boy who became a man...by becoming a bear.
** Who: Old Denahi
* (post-credits) Cut, cut. Ooh.
** Who: Koda
** Source: ''[[Brother Bear]]'' (2003)

* Present stalks! Harvester, salute!
** Who: Thorny
* (in-credits:) Spinning a web of safety in less in 15... Ow!
** Who: P.T.
** Source: ''[[A Bug's Life]]'' (1998)

* TRA-LA-LAAAAAAAA!!!
** Who: Captain Underpants/Mr. Krupp
* (in-credits:) NO!
** Who: Secretary
** Source: ''[[Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie]]'' (2017)

* Get a picture, boys. These kids will be making history!
** Who: L.B. Mammoth
* Hmph!
** Who: Darla Dimple
** Source: ''[[Cats Don't Dance]]'' (1997)

* Wilbur never forgot Charlotte. Although he loved her children and grandchildren dearly, none of the new spiders ever quite took her place in his heart. She was in a class by herself. It's not often that someone comes along who's a true friend and a good writer. Charlotte was both.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Charlotte's Web (1973 film)|Charlotte's Web]]'' (1973)

*Oh, Ace!
**Who: Movie Abby
**Source: ''[[Chicken Little (2005 film)|Chicken Little]]'' (2005)

* Hang on. Let's go over this again?
** Who: Fetcher
* (in-credits:) I don't know.
** Who: Nick
** Source: ''[[Chicken Run]]'' (2000)

* Coco!
** Who: Héctor
** Source: ''[[Coco (2017 film)|Coco]]'' (2017)

* Well, so long, glamor boy!
** Who: Jim Crow
** Source: ''[[Dumbo]]'' (1941)

* I'm so proud of you guys.
** Who: Kronk
** Source: ''[[The Emperor's New Groove]]'' (2000)

* Oh, how cute.
** Who: Yzma
** Source: ''[[Kronk's New Groove]]'' (2005)

* To kindness and love, the things we need most!
** Who: [[w:The Grinch|The Grinch]]
** Source: ''[[The Grinch (film)|Dr. Seuss' The Grinch]]'' (2018)

* Well, come on, Baggy buddy! Let's get back to where we belong. And get with the beat!
** Who: Baloo
** Source: ''[[The Jungle Book (1967 film)|The Jungle Book]]'' (1967)

* Yeah, man!
** Who: Baloo
** Source: ''[[The Jungle Book 2]]'' (2003)

* And so, all ended well for both Horton and Whos. And for all in the jungle, even Kangaroos. So let that be a lesson to one and to all. A person's a person. No matter how small.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Horton Hears a Who! (film)|Dr. Seuss' Horton Hears a Who!]]'' (2008)

* You done good, Beanpole. You done good. By the way, nice mustache.
** Who: [[w:The Lorax|The Lorax]]
** Source: ''[[The Lorax (film)|Dr. Seuss' The Lorax]]'' (2012)

* Somebody! Stop those pants!
** Who: Scrooge McDuck
** Source: ''[[DuckTales|DuckTales the Movie: Treasure of the Lost Lamp]]'' (1990)

* Aw, shit cunt!
** Who: Spanky Ham
** Source: ''[[The Drawn Together Movie: The Movie!]]'' (2010)

* Go fish.
** Who: Smiler
** Source: ''[[The Emoji Movie]]'' (2017)

* Everyone together...
* La Familia Madrigal!
** Who: Abuela Alma Madrigal
** Who 2: The Madrigals
** Source: ''[[Encanto (film)|Encanto]]'' (2021)

* Mmm... that was a good toast.
** Who: Ash
** Source: ''[[Fantastic Mr. Fox (film)|Fantastic Mr. Fox]]'' (2009)

* Yeah, forever.
** Who: Copper
** Source: ''[[The Fox and the Hound]]'' (1981)

* Yeah. Well, good night, Willie. Don't slam the roof. You might wake Mr. Bergen.
** Who: Mortimer
** Source: ''[[Fun and Fancy Free]]'' (1947)

* Enchante, Madamoiselle!
** Who: Goofy
** Source: ''[[A Goofy Movie]]'' (1995)

* You know, somehow I knew you would. Ah-yuck!
** Who: Goofy
** Source: ''[[An Extremely Goofy Movie]]'' (2000)

* Arlo!
** Who: Momma Ida
** Source: ''[[The Good Dinosaur]]'' (2015)

* From that time on, Basil and I were a close team, and over the years we had many cases together. But I shall always look back on that first with the most fondness: My introduction to Basil of Baker Street: ''The Great Mouse Detective.''
** Who: Dawson
** Source: ''[[The Great Mouse Detective]]'' (1986)

* Yeah, things are looking up around here now.
** Who: Pokey
** Source: ''[[Gumby: The Movie]]'' (1995)

* That's Phil's boy!
** Who: The Strong Man
* (post-credits:) What d'ya say? It's happy ending time! Everybody's got a little taste of something, but me! I got nothin'! I'm, I'm here with nothin'! Anybody listenin'? It's like I'm... What am I, an echo or something? Hello? Hello? Am I talking to, what, hyperspace? Hello, it's me! Nobody listens.
** Who: Hades
** Source: ''[[Hercules (1997 film)|Hercules]]'' (1997)

* Show's over, Eugene.
** Who: Gerald Johanssen
** Source: ''[[Hey Arnold!: The Movie]]'' (2002)

* Everybody smile.
** Who: Lucy Tucci
** Source: ''[[Home (2015 film)|Home]]'' (2015) 

* Don't you ever migrate?
** Who: Laverne
* (post-credits:) Good night, everybody! Whoo-hoo-hoo!
** Who: Hugo
** Source: ''[[The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1996 film)|The Hunchback of Notre Dame]]'' (1996)

* And I love Quasimodo!!
** Who: Madellaine
** Source: ''[[The Hunchback of Notre Dame II]]'' (2002)

* We've been through a lot lately, that's for sure. But we still love our girl. She has great new friends, a great new house. Things couldn't be better. After all, Riley's twelve now. What could happen?
** Who: Joy
* (in-credits:) No! Not this again!
** Who: Bus Driver's Emotions
** Source: ''[[Inside Out (2015 film)|Inside Out]]'' (2015)

* See you later.
** Who: Hogarth Hughes
** Source: ''[[The Iron Giant]]'' (1999)

* I take it back.
** Who: Jane
** Source: ''[[Is It College Yet?]]'' (2002)

* Oh!
** Who: Helen
** Source: ''[[Is It Fall Yet?]]'' (2000)

* And that is exactly what you had just seen.
** Who: Old Man
** Source: ''[[James and the Giant Peach]]'' (1996)

* Ah, the fucking autopilot's broke!
** Who: Jay
** Source: ''[[Jay &amp; Silent Bob's Super Groovy Cartoon Movie]]'' (2013)

* Onward, Mr Wiggles. We reach the cafeteria by dawn. Waaaaah!
** Who: Ms. Winifred Fowl
** Source: ''[[Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius (film)|Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius]]'' (2001)

* Listen to them, Soren. They want more stories. Well, come on, you lot. Let's not disappoint them. Ah. There's a good storm brewing. And if we're lucky, I'll be chock full of baggywrinkles.
** Who: Ezylryb
** Source: ''[[Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole]]'' (2010)

* Never too big. You will always be my Little Bear.
** Who: Mother Bear
** Source: ''[[The Little Bear Movie]]'' (2001)

* That does it, Charlie Brown! He is your dog, and you're welcome to him.
** Who: Lucy Van Pelt
** Source: ''[[Snoopy, Come Home]]'' (1972)

* Let's go, bulls!
** Who: [[w:Bill Murray|Bill Murray]]
* (post-credits:) Can l go home now?
** Who: [[w:Michael Jordan|Michael Jordan]]
** Source: ''[[Space Jam]]'' (1996)

* Th-th-th-that's all, folks!
** Who: [[w:Porky Pig|Porky Pig]]
** Source: ''[[Space Jam: A New Legacy]]'' (2021)

* Nice work. See you tomorrow!
** Who: Director
* Go home, folks.
** Who: [[w:Porky Pig|Porky Pig]]
** Source: ''[[Looney Tunes: Back in Action]]'' (2003)

* WILMA!
** Who: [[w:Fred Flintstone|Fred Flintstone]]
** Source: ''[[The Man Called Flintstone]]'' (1966)

* In the state of Texas, USA, life still goes on in the same old way. The Pecos River still flows on, but the greatest cowboy on earth is gone. Yeah, Bill went back to the coyotes, but he never forgot Sue. Every night when the moon was high, he'd lift his voice in a mournful cry, bewailing the fate of his lady fair, his long-lost love in the sky up there. So painful was his grief to see, the varmints joined in out of sympathy. That's how come, to this very day, coyotes howl at the moon that way.
** Who: Roy Rogers
** Source: ''[[Melody Time]]'' (1948)

* Bravo, my friends! Our three heroes have finally made their dream come true. I think this calls for one more song!
** Who: Troubadour
** Source: ''[[Mickey, Donald, Goofy: The Three Musketeers]]'' (2004)

* Gee, thanks for letting us share our Christmas spirit with you. [laughs] Merry Christmas, everybody!
** Who: Mickey Mouse
** Source: ''[[w:Mickey's Magical Christmas: Snowed in the House of Mouse|Mickey's Magical Christmas: Snowed in at the House of Mouse]]'' (2001)

* Aw, phooey!
** Who: Donald Duck
** Source: ''[[Mickey's House of Villains]]'' (2002)

* So in the end, love is the reason that Christmas is more than a gift-giving season. It's a time with our loved ones to show that we care, When families and neighbors come together to share. So, this Christmas season, let us all do our parts To keep Christmas spirit alive in our hearts.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: '' ''[[Mickey's Once Upon a Christmas]]'' (1999)

* So, at last, Mickey learned what he'd missed from the start. Bells and holly mean little without friends in your heart. The magic of Christmas has its rhyme and its reason. We hope you and yours have a most joyous season.
** Who: Narrator
* Ho ho ho!
** Who: Santa Claus
** Source: '' ''[[Mickey's Twice Upon a Christmas]]'' (2004)

* Welcome home!
** Who: A villager
* (post-credits:) Didn't help me though, did it? Still upside down here. Just need a little push. Can we be real? If my name was Sebastian and I had a cool Jamacian accent, you'd totally help me. You would. You know you would.
** Who: Tamatoa 
** Source: ''[[Moana (2016 film)|Moana]]'' (2016)
** Note: He is last seen after the credits, where he is still trapped and struggling to get off his shell, but to no avail. He asks the audience for assistance, and sarcastically quips that if his name was &quot;Sebastian&quot; and he had a Jamaican accent, the audience would feel happy to help him out (the reference to the supporting character of the same name from Disney's [[w:The Little Mermaid (1989 film)|The Little Mermaid]]). It is unknown if he ever got back up or if he starved.

* Wait, wait, wait, wa-wa-wait?! You were dating Derek, too?! That two-timing jerk!
** Who: B.O.B.
* (mid-credits:) Time to wave the white flag and head for the bunker, boys. Let's check the situation in 500 years! Who wants to freeze my head?
** Who: President Hathaway
** Source: ''[[Monsters vs. Aliens]]'' (2009)

* Mushu!
** Who: Great Ancestor
** Source: ''[[Mulan (1998 film)|Mulan]]'' (1998)

* Does a hero dragon deserve anything less? Draw my bath! Warm my towels! Let the pampering begin!
** Who: Mushu
** Source: ''[[Mulan II]]'' (2004)

* Okay! That is the most awesome name ever!
** Who: Pinkie Pie
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: The Movie (2017 film)|My Little Pony: The Movie]]'' (2017)

* I can't think of anything better.
** Who: Madison
** Source: ''My Scene Goes Hollywood: The Movie'' (2005)

* And the moral of our story is...
** Who: Yakko Warner
** Source: ''Wakko's Wish'' (1999)

* What a delightful scoundrel.
** Who: Winston
** Source: ''[[Oliver &amp; Company]]'' (1988)

* Whoa-ho, yeah-ha!
** Who: Barley Lightfoot
** Source: ''[[Onward (film)|Onward]]'' (2020)

* Left foot, right foot... Ah, who needs feet when you got fins! Whoo-hoo!
** Who: Tanglefoot
** Source: ''[[Ooops! Noah Is Gone...]]'' (2015)

* Oh, well. Out with the old, in with the new, huh?
** Who: Frank Detorre
** Source: ''[[Osmosis Jones]]'' (2001)

* There's a secret between you and me, Baby.
** Who: Higgins
** Source: ''[[The Outback (2012 film)|The Outback]]'' (2012)

* Shoot!
** Who: RJ
** Source: ''[[Over the Hedge]]'' (2006)

* And Liberty!
** Who: Liberty
** Source: ''[[PAW Patrol: The Movie]]'' (2021)

* Wait, wait, wait!
** Who: Phineas Flynn
** Source: ''[[Phineas and Ferb the Movie: Across the 2nd Dimension]]'' (2011)

* Well, I'll be! Ho-ho-ho! My, my! Solid gold, too. Oh, I think it's swell.
** Who: Jiminy Cricket
** Source: ''[[Pinocchio (1940 film)|Pinocchio]]'' (1940)

* Godspeed, John.
** Who: Thomas
** Source: ''[[Pocahontas (1995 film)|Pocahontas]]'' (1995)

* At one time, most of my friends could hear the bell. But as years passed, it felt silent for all of them. Even Sarah found, one Christmas, that she could no longer hear its sweet sound. Though I've grown old, the bell still rings for me. As it does for all who truly believe.
** Who: Adult Hero Boy
** Source: ''[[The Polar Express]]'' (2004)

* Sure!
** Who: Evie and Tori
** Source: ''PollyWorld'' (2006)

* Sugar, spice, and everything nice. These were the ingredients chosen to create the perfect little girl. But, Professor Utonium accidentally added an extra ingredient to the concoction. Chemical X. Thus, Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup were born. Using their ultra-super powers, they've dedicated their lives to fighting crime, and the forces of evil. And so for the very first time the day is saved thanks to... the Powerpuff Girls! Hey, that's a good name for them! Powerpuff Girls! Yeah! I like that! Wonder if ''they will?'' I'll run it by them. Powerpuff Girls! Mmm-hmm.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Powerpuff Girls Movie]]'' (2002)

* Well, I waited this long.
** Who: Charlotte LaBouff
** Source: ''[[The Princess and the Frog]]'' (2009)

* Yeah!
** Who: Background character
* (mid-credits 1) And gullible. I forgot to mention gullible.
** Who: [[w:Lucy|Lucy]]
* (mid-credits 2) A round of root beer for our hero the Flying Ace.
** Who: [[w:Marcie|Marcie]]
** Source: ''[[The Peanuts Movie]]'' (2015)

* Well done, Ayden.
** Who: Merlin
** Source: ''[[Quest for Camelot]]'' (1998)

* (theatrical version:) Rango!
** Who: The Mariachi Owls
* (extended version:) My fellow comrades. There will be times when you doubt yourself. When you feel pummeled by the catalclysms of life, remember this moment. Remember me. Know that I will be there, watching you... sometimes at inappropriate moments. That's part of the deal. And remember, that within all of us resides the true Spirit of We- Woah! Let's take it from the top.
** Who: Rango
** Source: ''[[Rango (2011 film)|Rango]]'' (2011)

* Hey, believe me, that story gets better when I tell it, okay? Come on! Bring some food over here, we're starving!
** Who: Django
** Source: ''[[Ratatouille]]'' (2007)

* Ba, welcome to Kumandra.
** Who: Raya
** Source: ''[[Raya and the Last Dragon]]'' (2021)

* Oh we're not late. We'll never going to be late again.
** Who: Rigby
** Source: ''[[Regular Show: The Movie]]'' (2015)

* Aw, phooey! Phooey!
** Who: Robert Benchley
** Source: ''[[The Reluctant Dragon (1941 film)|The Reluctant Dragon]]'' (1941)

* My name is Jack Frost, and I'm a Guardian. How do I know that? Because the Moon told me so. So when the Moon tells you something... ''believe it''.
** Who: Jack Frost
** Source: ''[[Rise of the Guardians]]'' (2012)

* Chel, we're not on the horse!
** Who: Tulio
** Source: ''[[The Road to El Dorado]]'' (2000)

* Well, folks, that's the way it really happened.
** Who: [[w:Alan-a-Dale|Allan-a-Dale]]
** Source: ''[[Robin Hood (1973 film)|Robin Hood]]'' (1973)

* Wait a minute, wait a minute! I-I-I was on the list! Come on, don't you know who I am? Wait! Whoa!
** Who: Tim the Gate Guard
** Source: ''[[Robots (2005 film)|Robots]]'' (2005)

* Hey, Edmond!
** Who: Chanticleer
** Source: ''[[Rock-a-Doodle]]'' (1991)

* As long as we're together. I'm ready to get baked and do anything.
** Who: Brenda
** Source: ''[[Sausage Party]]'' (2016)

* Thank you, Max.
** Who: Duke
* (mid-credits:) I'm home, Leonard. Were you a good boy, Leonard?
** Who: Leonard's Owner
* (post-credits:) All right, party's over!
** Who: Pops
** Source: ''[[The Secret Life of Pets]]'' (2016)

* Bye bye, momma and dada.
** Who: Liam
* (mid-credits:) Snowball, I'm back!
** Who: Molly
* (post-credits:) Okay. Moment's over.
** Who: Rooster
** Source: ''[[The Secret Life of Pets 2]]'' (2019)

* Oh, no!
** Who: Martin
** Source: ''[[The Secret of NIMH]]'' (1982)

* You got served!
** Who: The Shrimp
* Did somebody say CRAZY?!
** Who: Crazy Joe
* What you doing? Go on, get outta here! Go home! It's past your bedtime!
** Who: Mrs. Sanchez
** Source: ''[[Shark Tale]]'' (2004)

* Thanks, boy. Steady. Whoo-hoo!
** Who: Homer Simpson
* (mid-credits:) Smithers, I don't believe in suicides, but if you like to try, it would cheer me up to watch.
** Who: Mr. Burns
* (mid-credits 2:) This is Tom Hanks saying if you see me in person, please leave me be.
** Who: ''[[w:Tom Hanks|Tom Hanks]]''
* (in-credits:) Sequel?
** Who: Maggie Simpson
* (post-credits:) Four years of film school for this?
** Who: Squeaky-Voiced Teen
** Source: ''[[The Simpsons Movie]]'' (2007)

* All creatures great and small, welcome to the New Moon Theater!
** Who: Buster Moon
** Source: ''[[Sing (2016 film)|Sing]]'' (2016)

* Blue!
** Who: Merryweather
** Source: ''[[Sleeping Beauty]]'' (1957)

* Pro: if you go down there you'll meet lots of people. Con: Uh, you're not really a people person. Ugh, this is torture!
** Who: Fleem 
* (mid-credits:) Okay in 3, 2... On the next episode of... Wait am I missing a tooth?
** Who: Percy Patterson
** Source: ''[[Smallfoot (film)|Smallfoot]]'' (2018) 

* Blue cheese!
** Who: Everyone 
* (in-credits:) Am I going mad, Azrael? For the last time, get them to shut off this music!
** Who: [[w:Gargamel|Gargamel]]
** Source: ''[[Smurfs: The Lost Village]]'' (2017)

* Goodbye!
** Who: [[w:Snow White (Disney character)|Snow White]]
** Source: ''[[Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs]]'' (1937)

* Look!
** Who: Kyle Broflovski
* (post-credits:) Guys out there is hurted.
** Who: Ike Broflovski
** Source: ''[[South Park: Bigger, Longer &amp; Uncut]]'' (1999)

* I think I can handle it.
** Who: Chihiro Ogino (Sen)
** Source: ''[[Spirited Away]]'' (2001)
** Note: This line (per above) was heard in the English dub. The original Japanese dub's final line is &quot;Chihiro, let's get to our new home.&quot;

* Miles! Miles! Do you have a minute?
** Who: Gwen Stacy / Spider-Gwen
* You haven't seen pointing until I'm finished with you!
* You're accusing me of pointing while you're...!
** Who 1: Peter Parker / 1967 Spider-Man
** Who 2: Miguel O'Hara / 2099 Spider-Man
** Source: ''[[Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse]]'' (2018)

* You think you could handle them? They're not exactly easy to get along with.
** Who: Steven
** Source: ''[[Steven Universe: The Movie]]'' (2019)

* You love it.
** Who: Tulip
** Source: ''[[Storks (film)|Storks]]'' (2016)

* We did it. We really did it! Woo-hoo! Come on, guys! Yeah!
** Who: Richard
** Source: ''[[A Stork’s Journey]]'' (2017)

* Well, uh.... that's something like television. Without commercials.
** Who: Merlin
** Source: ''[[The Sword in the Stone (film)|The Sword in the Stone]]'' (1963)

* Yes, we are.
** Who: [[w:Flynn Rider|Eugene Fitzherbert]]
** Source: ''[[Tangled]]'' (2010)

* Ooo-ooo-ee-ah-ooo.
** Who: Jane Porter
** Source: ''[[Tarzan (1999 film)|Tarzan]]'' (1999)

* Woof!
** Who: Spot Helperman
** Source: ''[[Teacher's Pet (2004 film)|Teacher's Pet]]'' (2004)

* Wait, wait, wait, wait, WAIT! KIDS, ASK YOUR PARENTS WHERE BABIES COME FROM!
** Who: 2013 Robin
* (mid-credits:) This is the ''[[Teen Titans (TV series)|Teen Titans]]''! Can anyone hear us? We think we found a way back!
** Who: 2003 Robin
* Challengers! I believe we may have missed the motion picture!
** Who: Unknown Challenger
** Source: ''[[Teen Titans Go! To the Movies]]'' (2018)

* Avengers! Assemble!
** Who: James Rogers
** Source: ''Next Avengers: Heroes of Tomorrow'' (2008)

* And of course, they lived happily ever after.
** Who: Jacquimo
** Source: ''[[Thumbelina (1994 film)|Thumbelina]]'' (1994)

* We live together, we train together, we fight together, we stand for good, together. We are Ninjas. We strike hard, defend, protect and fade into the night. And there ain't no bad guy or monster gonna ever change that: That's what's important. And that's why we'll always be brothers. Oh, I love bein' a turtle.
** Who: [[w:Raphael (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Raphael]]
** Source: ''[[TMNT (film)|TMNT]]'' (2007)

* Tom! Jerry! Welcome to your new home!
** Who: Robyn Starling
** Source: ''[[Tom and Jerry: The Movie]]'' (1992)

* Til All Are One!, Till All Are One!, Till All Are One!
** Who: The Autobots
** Source: ''[[The Transformers: The Movie]]'' (1986)

* Up high!
** Who: Cloud Guy
* (in-credits:) But wait, wait, wait.
** Who: Creek
** Source: ''[[Trolls (film)|Trolls]]'' (2016)
** Note: After Poppy and the other Trolls make peace with the Bergens, Creek, along with Chef is knocked out of the Bergen castle. Chef then betrays Creek by trying to eat him, but before this can happen, both are eaten alive by a hill monster.

* Glitter!
** Who: Queen Barb
* (in-credits:) But who gonna eat my cheese balls, babe?
** Who: King Gristle, Jr.
** Source: ''[[Trolls World Tour]]'' (2020)

* And it looks like the winner is...
** Who: Sports Announcer
** Source: ''[[Turbo (film)|Turbo]]'' (2013)

* We've all got an inner beast. We've all got a messy, loud, weird part of ourselves hidden away. And a lot of us never let it out. But I did. How about you?
** Who: Mei Lee
** Source: ''[[Turning Red]]'' (2022)

* She's gonna be so excited.
** Who: Father of Moxy's owner
** Source: ''[[Uglydolls]]'' (2019)

* Another blue one.
** Who: Russell
** Source: ''[[Up (2009 film)|Up]]'' (2009)

* Cheeeeeeeeeese!
** Who: Hutch the Rabbit
** Source: ''[[Wallace &amp; Gromit in The Curse of the Were-Rabbit|Wallace &amp; Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit]]'' (2005)

* This is called farming! You kids are gonna grow all kinds of plants! Vegetable plants, pizza plants! Oh, it's good to be home!
** Who: Captain B. McCrea
** Source: ''[[WALL-E]]'' (2008)

* Gotcha!
** Who: Alex
** Source: ''[[Walking with Dinosaurs (film)|Walking with Dinosaurs]]'' (2013)

* All the world will be your enemy, Prince of a Thousand enemies. And when they catch you, they will kill you. But first they must catch you; digger, listener, runner, Prince with the swift warning. Be cunning, and full of tricks, and your people will never be destroyed.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Watership Down (film)|Watership Down]]'' (1978)

* Alright, guys, let's eat! I'm gonna do syrup and honey.
** Who: Grizzly Bear
** Source: ''[[We Bare Bears: The Movie]]'' (2020)

* Nick!
** Who: Flash
* (in-credits:) Come on! Shake your tails with me, come on! Yeah!
** Who: Gazelle
** Source: ''[[Zootopia]]'' (2016)

=== ''101 Dalmatians'' film series ===

* I'm hungry, mother.
** Who: Roley
** Source: ''[[One Hundred and One Dalmatians]]''

* Say &quot;spots!&quot;
** Who: Photographer
** Source: ''[[101 Dalmatians II: Patch's London Adventure]]''

=== ''Alvin and the Chipmunks'' animated movies'' ===
* Alvin!
** Who: Dave Seville
** Source: ''[[The Chipmunk Adventure]]'' (1987)

* How does that song go again?
** Who: Dr. Frankenstein
** Source: ''Alvin and the Chipmunks Meet Frankenstein'' (1999)

* Us? Wild?
** Who: Alvin
** Source: ''Alvin and the Chipmunks Meet the Wolfman'' (2000)

=== ''[[The Angry Birds Movie]]'' film series ===

* Guys! No!
** Who: Red
* (mid-credits:) Whoa!
** Who: Jay, Jake, and Jim
** Source: ''[[The Angry Birds Movie]]'' (2016)

* Jinx! Jinx! Jinx!
** Who: Chuck and Silver
* (in-credits:) Bye-bye.
** Who: Zoe's sister
** Source: ''[[The Angry Birds Movie 2]]'' (2019)

=== ''[[Aladdin]]'' film series ===

* Made ya look.
** Who: Genie
* (post-credits, special edition only:) You have been a fabulous audience! Tell you what, you're the best audience in the whole world. Take care of yourselves! Good night, Alice! Good night, Agrabah! Adios, amigos!
** Who: Genie
** Source: ''[[Aladdin (1992 Disney film)|Aladdin]]'' (1992)

* Does this mean I don't get my third wish?
** Who: Abis Mal
** Source: ''[[The Return of Jafar]]'' (1994)

* Wait a minute. We're not gettin' outta here, man! We're not gettin' outta here! Don't ya understand it, man? This is it, game's over, man!
** Who: Genie
** Source: ''[[Aladdin and the King of Thieves]]'' (1996)

=== ''Bambi'' film series ===

* Well, I don't believe I've ever seen a more likely looking pair of fawns. Prince Bambi ought to be mighty proud.
** Who: Friend Owl
** Source: ''[[Bambi]]'' (1942)

* Actually, I was a lot like you.
** Who: The Great Prince of the Forest
** Source: ''[[Bambi II]]'' (2006)

=== ''Barbie'' film series ===

* I always knew you could.
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie in the Nutcracker'' (2001)

* When you do that, you'll never go wrong.
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie as Rapunzel'' (2002)

* Wouldn't miss it.
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie of Swan Lake'' (2003)

* And, of course, Wolfie and Serafina lived happily ever after. Along with their many, many, many kittens.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''Barbie as The Princess and the Pauper'' (2004)

* I can't believe it! I'm flying!
** Who: Elina
** Source: ''Barbie: Fairytopia'' (2005)

* I'm trying!
** Who: Blush
** Source: ''Barbie and the Magic of Pegasus'' (2005)

* Secret seaweed, huh? Oh, that is clever of you to remember that!
** Who: Dandilion
** Source: ''Barbie Fairytopia: Mermaidia'' (2006)

* Yes, Papa. I'm finally on time for something.
** Who: Genevieve
** Source: ''Barbie in the 12 Dancing Princesses'' (2006)

* Goodbye, Elina! I know you look forward to seeing me again!
** Who: Fabien
** Source: ''Barbie Fairytopia: Magic of the Rainbow'' (2007)

* (gasps) A princess!
** Who: Tika
** Source: ''Barbie as the Island Princess'' (2007)

* Bye-bye! Whee!
** Who: A Flutterpixie
** Source: ''Barbie: Mariposa'' (2008)

* Now, where were we?
* ''[singing]'' Oh-whoa-oh. Two voices, one song...
** Who: Barbie and Teresa
** Source: ''Barbie and the Diamond Castle'' (2008)

* I think that would be amazing, Kelly.
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie in A Christmas Carol'' (2008)

* Right now, I've got somewhere else to be!
** Who: Corrinne
** Source: ''Barbie and the Three Musketeers'' (2008)
 
* Oopsie! Guess old habits die hard...girlfriend!
** Who: Raquelle
** Source: ''Barbie: A Fairy Secret'' (2011)

* Come on. I wanna introduce you to everyone!
** Who: Blair Willows/Princess Sophia
** Source: ''Barbie: Princess Charm School'' (2011)

* Merry Christmas!
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie: A Perfect Christmas'' (2011)

* Meribella! Put your hands up for me! Come on!
** Who: Keira
** Source: ''Barbie: The Princess &amp; The Popstar'' (2012)

* Come on, let's go!
** Who: Kristyn Farraday
** Source: ''Barbie In The Pink Shoes'' (2013)

* OK! Now, who's got the boarding passes?
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''Barbie and her Sisters: In a Pony Tale'' (2013)

* What on earth?
** Who: Bookhurst
** Source: ''Barbie and the Secret Door'' (2014)

* One, two, three, four!
** Who: Erika Juno
** Source: ''Barbie in Rock 'n Royals'' (2015)

* And thanks to Barbie, who was the one after all, everyone lived happily ever after.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''Barbie: Star Light Adventure'' (2016)

* How about you show me those moves?
** Who: Lindsey
** Source: ''Barbie &amp; Her Sisters in A Puppy Chase'' (2016)

* Look!
** Who: Chelsea
** Source: ''Barbie Dolphin Magic'' (2017)

* She's right. Barbie, I can't hold back any longer. I think I... wanna dance with you.
** Who: Ken
** Source: ''Barbie Princess Adventure'' (2020)

* New York! Emmie here, coming at you live from Times Square to announce the winner of the Spotlight Solo! Put your hands together for my friends, Barbie Roberts and Barbie Roberts! Otherwise known as Malibu and Brooklyn, the winners of the Spotlight Solo!
** Who: Emmie
** Source: ''Barbie: Big City, Big Dreams'' (2021)

=== ''[[w:Beauty and the Beast (franchise)|Beauty and the Beast]]'' film series ===

* Do I still have to sleep in the cupboard?
** Who: Chip Potts
** Source: ''[[Beauty and the Beast (1991 film)|Beauty and the Beast]]'' (1991)

* I'd be delighted.
** Who: Fife
** Source: ''[[w:Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas|Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas]]'' (1997)

* And it begins, uh, Lumiere, with trust. Where, with mutual respect, as I have always said all relationships must be firmly based on that. One must build on a firm foundation of trust and respect in order to flourish and flow; nourish and grow. Always attentive to the needs of the other and honesty, utter honesty is the key on which...
** Who: Cogsworth
** Source: ''[[w:Belle's Magical World|Belle's Magical World]]'' (1998)

=== ''Bratz'' film series ===

* It was original, captivating, stylized, and told me so much about each one of you. You're all getting A+'s!
** Who: Mr. Del Rio
** Source: ''Bratz: Starrin' &amp; Stylin'' (2004)

* We’re the girls..
* With the passion for fashion!
* And...
* We...
* Rock!
** Who: Jade, Cloe, Yasmin and Sasha
** Source: ''Bratz Rock Angelz'' (2005)

* Please, call me Henry, all right?
** Who: Gordon Murph
** Source: ''Bratz Babyz: The Movie'' (2006)

* So, after all that work and practice, we discovered that we were really good at a lot of different things. But, what we're best at is being best friends. By helping Anna win the contest, we all ended up winners and we felt like stars!
** Who: Sasha
** Source: ''Bratz Girlz Really Rock'' (2008)

=== ''Care Bears'' film series ===

* Care for me, Mrs. Cherrywood. Just care for me.
** Who: Mr. Cherrywood
** Source: ''[[The Care Bears Movie]]'' (1985)

* Yes, sir! Everything was back to the way it was. But, as always, it was just a little bit different, a little bit better, and a little bit more special—thanks to the Care Bears, the Care Bear Cousins, and thanks to... ''(laughs)'' Well, you all know who you are. I thank my lucky Stars that there are people out there like you who really do care. You're not afraid to share your feelings—and that, my friends, makes you all world-class Care Bear Champs!
** Who: The Great Wishing Star
** Source: ''[[Care Bears Movie II: A New Generation]]'' (1986)

* Goodbye!
** Who: The Care Bears
** Source: ''Care Bears: Journey to Joke-a-lot'' (2004)

* Twinkers, did you hear? Too Loud Bear finally got your name right!
** Who: Wish Bear
** Source: ''The Care Bears' Big Wish Movie'' (2005)

* You bet!
** Who: Cheer Bear
** Source: ''Care Bears: Oopsy Does It!'' (2007)

* Oopsy.
** Who: Oopsy Bear
** Source: ''Care Bears: To the Rescue'' (2010)

*Let's get this Giving Festival started!
** Who: Princess Starglo
** Source: ''Care Bears: The Giving Festival'' (2010)

*Later, gators, I've got stars to make!
** Who: Princess Starglo
** Source: ''Care Bears: Share Bear Shines'' (2011)

=== ''[[w:Cars (franchise)|Cars]]'' film series ===

* Yeah! Ka-chow!
** Who: Lightning McQueen
* (in-credits) Wait a minute here. They're just using the [[w:John Ratzenberger|same actor]] over and over. [[w:Pixar|What kind of a cut-rate production is this?!]]
** Who: Mack
* (post-credits:) No! There's an on-ramp close! I know it! I can feel it! Ah-ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
** Who: [[w:List_of_Cars_characters#Van and Minny|Van]]
** Source: ''[[Cars (film)|Cars]]'' (2006)

* Not if I see you first!
** Who: [[w:Mater (Cars)|Tow Mater]]
** Source: ''[[Cars 2]]'' (2011)

* Go!
** Who: Luigi
* (post-credits:) Hey, McQueen! You still there? McQueen! Ugh. Technology.
** Who: [[w:Mater (Cars)|Tow Mater]]
** Source: ''[[Cars 3]]'' (2017)

* Ha-ha, you're on!
** Who: Skipper
** Source: ''[[Planes (film)]]'' (2013)

* Ladies and gentleplanes! Turn your attention to the skies for today's featured aerial presentation! The Propwash Junction Corn Fest is proud to present the Piston Peak Air Attack team, and our very own world champion racer and firefighter, Dusty Crophopper!
** Who: Chug
* (in-credits:) Welcome to Death Valley National Park. Is it hot? ''(laughs weezily)'' Yes, it is.
** Who: Cad Spinner
* (post-credits:) Yay!
** Who: Drip
** Source: ''[[Planes: Fire &amp; Rescue]]'' (2014)

=== ''[[w:Cinderella (franchise)|Cinderella]]'' film series ===

* But, you see, I have the other slipper.
** Who: [[w:Cinderella (Disney character)|Cinderella]]
** Source: ''[[Cinderella (1950 film)|Cinderella]]'' (1950)

* Once upon a time, there was a big castle... and in this castle lived a prince and a princess...
** Who: Cinderella
** Source: ''[[Cinderella II: Dreams Come True]]'' (2002)

* And they lived happily ever after... again.
** Who: Cinderella
** Source: ''[[Cinderella III: A Twist in Time]]'' (2007)

=== ''[[w:The Croods (franchise)|The Croods]]'' film series ===

* Duh-duh-duh!
** Who: Belt and Sandy Crood
** Source: ''[[The Croods]]'' (2013)

* Dad was right after all, we were stronger together.
** Who: Eep Crood
** Source: ''[[The Croods: A New Age]]'' (2020)

=== ''[[w:DC Universe Animated Original Movies|DC Universe Animated Original Movies]]'' ===

* In other news, Gotham's mysterious defender...the Batman, was seen last night helping police apprehend the leaders...of an underworld, gun-running operation...
** Who: Summer Gleason
** Source: ''[[Batman and Mr. Freeze: Subzero]]'' (1998)
* Hi, old man.
** Who: Tim Drake
** Source: ''[[Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker]]'' (2000)
* Well, maybe an explosion now and then.
** Who: Kathy Duquesne
** Source: ''[[Batman: Mystery of the Batwoman]]'' (2003)
* If history has determined that gods can die... ...it has also proven that they may return from the dead. It would seem you can't be destroyed after all, Superman. It would seem.
** Who: Lex Luthor
** Source: ''[[Superman: Doomsday]]'' (2007)
* The pioneers gave up their safety, their comfort, and sometimes their lives to build our new west. They were determined to make the new world strong and free - an example to the world. Some would say that those struggles are all over. That all the horizons have been explored. That all the battles have been won. That there is no longer an American frontier. And we stand today on the edge of a new frontier. The frontier of unknown opportunities and perils. Beyond that frontier are uncharted areas of science. Unsolved problems of peace and war. Unconquered pockets of ignorance and prejudice. I'm asking each of you to be pioneers towards that New Frontier. My call is to the young in heart, regardless of age. Can we carry through in an age where we will witness not only new breakthroughs in weapons of destruction, but also a race for mastery of the sky and the rain, the ocean and the tides, the far side of space, and the inside of men's minds? All mankind waits upon out decision. A whole world waits to see what we shall do. And we cannot fail that trust, and we cannot fail to try.
** Who: John F. Kennedy
** Source: ''[[Justice League: The New Frontier]]'' (2008)

* Sir?
** Who: Alfred Pennyworth
** Source: ''[[Batman: Gotham Knight]]'' (2008)

* Look! It's Wonder Woman!
** Who: Little girl
** Source: ''[[Wonder Woman (2009 film)|Wonder Woman]]'' (2009)

* I've gotta go punch a clock with my other boss. I can see where this is gonna be a long commute.
** Who: Hal Jordan
** Source: ''[[Green Lantern: First Flight]]'' (2009)

* &quot;Late&quot;? Come on, it's... ...early.
** Who: Superman
** Source: ''[[Superman/Batman: Public Enemies]]'' (2009)

* I'm glad you agree. I've been thinking about a membership drive.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths]]'' (2010)

* It feels awesome! Check me out! I'm Robin, the Boy wonder! Are you kidding me? This rocks. Come on, old man, we've got bad guys who need chasing. This is the best day of my life.
** Who: Young Jason Todd/Robin
** Source: ''[[Batman: Under the Red Hood]]'' (2010)

* Hey.
** Who: Superman
** Source: ''[[Superman/Batman: Apocalypse]]'' (2010)

* He's not dead. He's up there fixing the sun. And when he's done, he'll be back.
** Who: Lois Lane
** Source: ''[[All-Star Superman (film)|All-Star Superman]]'' (2011)

* We got a new home to build. Come on. I'll tell you about the time I took on an army of Manhunters and my only backup was this squirrel.
** Who: Hal Jordan
** Source: ''[[Green Lantern: Emerald Knights]]'' (2011)

* Barbara's not crazy about the marriage counselor, but we're making progress. As for me, well, there's a real panic on. Somebody has threatened to poison the Gotham reservoir. He calls himself the Joker. I've got a friend coming who might be able to help. He should be here any minute.
** Who: Lieutenant James Gordon
** Source: ''[[Batman: Year One (film)|Batman: Year One]]'' (2011)

* I do have a plan! It's called the Justice League.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[Justice League: Doom]]'' (2012)

* Can we go so I can kiss you now?
** Who: Lois Lane
** Source: ''[[Superman vs. The Elite]]'' (2012)

* Ba-Batman... Darling!
** Who: Joker
** Source: [[Batman: The Dark Knight Returns (film)|''Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, Part One'']] (2012)

* I spent 10 years looking for a good death. This... This'll be a good life. Good enough.
** Who: Bruce Wayne
** Source: [[Batman: The Dark Knight Returns (film)|''Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, Part Two'']] (2013)

* Marry me.
** Who: Clark Kent
** Source: ''[[Superman: Unbound]]'' (2013)

* You're one helluva messenger. Thank you.
** Who: Bruce Wayne
** Source: ''[[Justice League: The Flashpoint Paradox]]'' (2013)

* The surface dwellers have killed our king. This is an act of war and they will pay.
** Who: Prince Orm
** Source: ''[[Justice League: War]]'' (2014)

* No.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[Son of Batman]]'' (2014)

* Bang.
** Who: Deadshot
** Source: ''[[Batman: Assault on Arkham]]'' (2014)

* I am Lex Luthor. I have a proposition for you.
** Who: Lex Luthor
** Source: ''[[Justice League: Throne of Atlantis]]'' (2015)

* Sometimes, Alfred... ...you have to have a little faith.
** Who: Bruce Wayne
** Source: ''[[Batman vs. Robin]]'' (2015)

* Time to look ahead, Kirk. You know what they say. The past is like another planet.
** Who: Superman
** Source: ''[[Justice League: Gods and Monsters]]'' (2015)

* Master Bruce is having a heart-to-heart with Damian. One can't help feeling bad. Despite her madness, she was his mother.
** Who: Alfred Pennyworth
** Source: ''[[Batman: Bad Blood]]'' (2016)

* Raven, release me. You're too weak to keep me in here, you filthy witch! I'll get out! I'll kill everyone you love. RAVEN!!!
** Who: Trigon
** Source: ''[[Justice League vs. Teen Titans]]'' (2016)

* Yeah, Dad, I just got back from the lacrosse game. Going to practice some Wallball this weekend. Getting pretty good. Maybe another night, Dad, I got plans tonight. I can't help it if your daughter's so popular. I'll talk to you, later. Right then, back to work.
** Who: Barbara Gordon / Oracle
** Source: ''[[Batman: The Killing Joke (film)|Batman: The Killing Joke]]'' (2016)

* Now, that's what I call making yourself useful, love.
** Who: John Constantine
** Source: ''[[Justice League Dark (film)|Justice League Dark]]'' (2017)

* I talk to the dead. For no matter how rotted the corpse, there's always a tiny wisp of life left.
** Who: Brother Blood
** Source: ''[[Teen Titans: The Judas Contract]]'' (2017)

* Aw... Ain't that a shame? Wendel is headed back to his crummy house and all those cats without getting the help he so desperately needs. Oh, well, that's it for today's show. Till next time, folks. Be good to yourselves. 'Cause everyone else in the world is probably out to get you. Bye-bye!
** Who: Dr. Harleen Quinzel
** Source: ''[[Batman and Harley Quinn]]'' (2017)

* It was all phony anyway. We'll make something new. Something better.
** Who: Dickie
** Source: ''[[Batman: Gotham by Gaslight]]'' (2018)

* I'll be seeing you, Waller. Maybe in heaven.
** Who: Deadshot
** Source: ''[[Suicide Squad: Hell to Pay]]'' (2018)

* Superman?
** Who: Jimmy Olsen
** Source: ''[[The Death of Superman (film)|The Death of Superman]]'' (2018)

* Okay, who left the front door open?
** Who: Green Lantern
** Source: ''[[Reign of the Supermen (film)|Reign of the Supermen]]'' (2019)

* Jessica Cruz. It's an honor.
** Who: Brainiac 5
** Source: ''[[w:Justice League vs. the Fatal Five|Justice League vs. the Fatal Five]]'' (2019)

* Someday.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[w:Batman: Hush (film)|Batman: Hush]]'' (2019)

* You think I'm intimidated? I've won. I'm coming for you, Wonder Woman. Do you hear me, Wonder Woman? I am coming for you!
** Who: Veronica Cale
** Source: ''[[w:Wonder Woman: Bloodlines|Wonder Woman: Bloodlines]]'' (2019)

* I kind of like that last option.
** Who: Lois Lane
** Source: ''[[w:Superman: Red Son (film)|Superman: Red Son]]'' (2020)

* And some of those changes may be shite. And we may make the same mistakes again. It won't be perfect... but it'll be a long sight better than what we got now.
** Who: John Constantine
** Source: ''[[w:Justice League Dark: Apokolips War|Justice League Dark: Apokolips War]]'' (2020)

=== ''[[w:Despicable Me (franchise)|Despicable Me]]'' film series ===

* No, I'm fine. Go ahead. No, no, no!
** Who: Gru
* (post-credits:) I am Gru. Back to work! Back to work! Back to...
** Who: Kevin
** Source: ''[[Despicable Me]]'' (2010)

* I'm so happy!
** Who: Agnes Gru
** Source: ''[[Despicable Me 2]]'' (2013)

* Come on, He's my brother. We'll give him a 5 minute head start.
** Who: Felonious Gru
** Source: ''[[Despicable Me 3]]'' (2017)

* Freeze ray!
** Who: Felonious Gru
** Source: ''[[Minions (film)|Minions]]'' (2015)

=== ''[[w:Fantasia (franchise)|Fantasia]]'' film series ===

* The last number in our ''Fantasia'' program is a combination of two pieces of music so utterly different in construction and mood that they set each other off perfectly. The first is ''A Night On Bald Mountain'', by one of Russia's greatest composers, Modest Mussorgsky. The second is Franz Schubert's world-famous ''Ave Maria''. Musically and dramatically, we have here a picture of the struggle between the profane and the sacred. Bald Mountain, according to tradition, is the gathering place of Satan and his followers. Here on ''Walpurgisnacht'', which is the equivalent of our own Halloween, the creatures of evil gather to worship their master. Under his spell, they dance furiously until the coming of dawn and the sounds of church bells send the infernal army slinking back into their abodes of darkness. And then we hear the Ave Maria, with its message of the triumph of hope and life over the powers of despair and death.
** Who: [[w:Deems Taylor|Deems Taylor]]
** Source: ''[[Fantasia (1940 film)|Fantasia]]'' (1940)

* Camera back on me. Uh, camera back on me, please. Anyone? Hello? Hello? Could someone give me a ride home?
** Who: [[Steve Martin]]
** Source: ''[[Fantasia 2000]]'' (2000)

=== ''[[w:Finding Nemo (franchise)|Finding Nemo]]'' film series ===

* Bye, son.
** Who: Marlin
* (pre-credits:) Now what?
** Who: Bloat
** Source: ''[[Finding Nemo]]'' (2003)

* Yep. Unforgettable.
** Who: Dory
* (post-credits:) Now what?
** Who: Bloat
** Source: ''[[Finding Dory]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:Frozen (franchise)|Frozen]]'' film series ===

* That's it. Glide and pivot. Glide and pivot.
** Who: Olaf
** Source: ''[[Frozen (2013 film)|Frozen]]'' (2013)

* Ready?
** Who: Elsa
* (post-credits:) Oh. We live! We live! Good story.
** Who: Marshmallow 
** Source: ''[[Frozen II]]'' (2019)

=== ''[[w:Happy Feet (franchise)|Happy Feet]]'' film series ===

* Gracias.
** Who: Ramón
** Source: ''[[Happy Feet]]'' (2006)

* Ja, The Svened.
** Who: The Mighty Sven
** Source: ''[[Happy Feet Two]]'' (2011)

=== ''[[w:Hotel Transylvania (franchise)|Hotel Transylvania]]'' film series ===

* Alright, maybe just a little.
** Who: Dracula
* (in-credits) I didn't do that.
** Who: Elderly Gremlin
** Source: ''[[Hotel Transylvania|Hotel Transylvania]]'' (2012)

* I didn't do that.
** Who: Elderly Gremlin
** Source: ''[[Hotel Transylvania 2]]'' (2015)

* Yes!
** Who: Ericka van Helsing
** Source: ''[[Hotel Transylvania 3: Summer Vacation]]'' (2018)

=== ''[[w:Hoodwinked!|Hoodwinked!]]'' film series ===

* I always did like happy endings.
** Who: Red Puckett
** Source: ''[[Hoodwinked!]]'' (2005)

* Hey, girls. Let's call it a night.
** Who: Twitchy
** Source: ''[[Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil]]'' (2011)

=== ''[[w:How to Train Your Dragon|How to Train Your Dragon]]'' film series ===

* This is Berk. It snows nine months of the year and hails the other three. Any food that grows here is tough and tasteless. The people that grow here are even more so. The only upsides are the pets. While other places have ponies or parrots... we have... dragons!
** Who: Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III
** Source: ''[[How to Train Your Dragon (film)|How to Train Your Dragon]]'' (2010)

* This... is Berk. A bit trampled and busted and covered in ice, but it's home. It's our home. Those who attacked us are relentless and crazy. But those who stopped them? Oh, even more so! We may be small in numbers, but we stand for something bigger than anything the world can pit against us. We are the voice of peace. And bit by bit, we will change this world. You see, we have something they don't. Oh sure, they have armies and they have armadas... But we... we have... our dragons!
** Who: Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III
** Source: ''[[How to Train Your Dragon 2]]'' (2014)

* Legend says that when the ground quakes or lava spews from the earth, it's the dragons letting us know they're still here. Waiting for us to figure out how to get along. Yes, the world believes the dragons are gone, if they ever existed at all. But we Berkians, we know otherwise. And we'll guard this secret until the time comes when dragons can return in peace.
** Who: Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III
** Source: ''[[How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World]]'' (2019)

=== ''[[w:Ice Age (franchise)|Ice Age]]'' film series ===

* No, really...
** Who: [[w:List_of_Ice_Age_characters#Sid|Sid]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age (2002 film)|Ice Age]]'' (2002)

* Calm down! I saved you, little buddy! Remember!?
** Who: [[w:List_of_Ice_Age_characters#Sid|Sid]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: The Meltdown]]'' (2006)

* That's right, sweetheart. Welcome to the Ice Age.
** Who: [[w:List_of_Ice_Age_characters#Ellie|Ellie]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs]]'' (2009)

* No! Stop! Brother, rise above this base desire. Be more than a rodent.
** Who: Ariscratle
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: Continental Drift]]'' (2012)

* Mars: the red planet. Cold... dry... inhospitable to life. But billions and billions of years ago, Mars looked like this. There were lakes, rivers, oceans... the perfect conditions for life to form. So, what happened? Why was life unable to take hold? Where did the water go? We may never know.
** Who: [[w:List_of_Ice_Age_characters#Neil deBuck Weasel|Neil deBuck Weasel]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: Collision Course]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:The Incredibles (franchise)|The Incredibles]]'' film series ===

* Behold, the Underminer! I am always beneath you, but nothing is beneath me! I hereby declare war on peace and happiness! Soon, all will tremble before me!
** Who: The Underminer
** Source: ''[[The Incredibles]]'' (2004)

* Stop! Let us out! Here, large popcorn, small soda. Save me a seat. Center, about eight rows back. I'll be back before the previews are over!
** Who: [[w:Violet Parr|Violet Parr]]
** Source: ''[[Incredibles 2]]'' (2018)

=== ''[[Kim Possible]]'' film series ===

* No idea why I said that!
** Who: Ron Stoppable
** Source: ''[[Kim Possible: A Sitch in Time]]'' (2003)

* It finally happened! She's dating that loser! Kim Possible and Ron Stoppable are dating!? ''(Laughs loudly)''
** Who: Bonnie Rockwaller
** Source: ''[[Kim Possible Movie: So the Drama]]'' (2005)

=== ''[[w:Kung Fu Panda (franchise)|Kung Fu Panda]]'' film series ===

* Yeah.
** Who: [[w:List_of_Kung_Fu_Panda_characters#Master Shifu|Master Shifu]]
** Source: ''[[Kung Fu Panda]]'' (2008)

* My son is alive...
** Who: [[w:List_of_Kung_Fu_Panda_characters#Li Shan|Li Shan]]
** Source: ''[[Kung Fu Panda 2]]'' (2011)

* Panda Asthma.
** Who: [[w:List_of_Kung_Fu_Panda_characters#Li Shan|Li Shan]]
** Source: ''[[Kung Fu Panda 3]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:Lady and the Tramp|Lady and the Tramp]]'' film series ===

* Huh? I haven't? Well, uh, as Old Reliable used to say... He'd say, uh, uh... He'd say, uh, uh... Doggone. You know, I clean forgot what it was he used to say!
** Who: Trusty
** Source: ''[[Lady and the Tramp]]'' (1955)

* Angel!
** Who: Junior
** Source: ''[[Lady and the Tramp II: Scamp's Adventure]]'' (2001)

=== ''[[w:The Land Before Time (franchise)|The Land Before Time]]'' film series ===

* And they all grew up together in the valley, generation upon generation, each passing on to the next. The tale of their ancestors' journey to the valley, long ago.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time]]'' (1988)

* But I still can't wait to grow up.
** Who: Littlefoot
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time II: The Great Valley Adventure]]'' (1994)

* And so, as it turned out, the dinosaurs traveled from green spot to green spot, eating their fill, each helping the others to find what they needed, each learning the special kind of joy, which comes from giving to others. And in the years to come, this story of sharing was told over and over again, until it became known as: &quot;The Time of the Great Giving.&quot;
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time III: The Time of the Great Giving]]'' (1995)

* And so, it came to pass that the migrating dinosaurs left the Great Valley for lands unknown. And yes, Littlefoot and his friends, Cera, Ducky, Petrie and Spike, would indeed meet Ali again one day. But that's another story.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time IV: Journey Through the Mists]]'' (1996)

* It's great to be home.
** Who: Cera
** ''[[The Land Before Time V: The Mysterious Island]]'' (1997)

* And so, another myth was born. It would change with each retelling. And even now, who knows how this one will end.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time VI: The Secret of Saurus Rock]]'' (1998)

* Oh, no! Oh, no! But we are plenty smart, right, Spike?
* Uh-huh.
** Who 1: Ducky
** Who 2: Spike
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time VII: The Stone of Cold Fire]]'' (1999)

* The families would be happy here until the Great Circle began to warm the land once more, melting the white ground sparkles and allowing new life to spring up, turning the earth green again. Then they could return to the Great Valley, where they could all get a good night's sleep, even Ducky.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time VIII: The Big Freeze]]'' (2001)

* This adventure was at an end. Still, Littlefoot, Cera, Ducky, Petrie and Spike knew in their hearts that there would be many more adventures yet to come.
** Who: Narrator
** Source:''[[The Land Before Time IX: Journey to Big Water]]'' (2002)

* I just have one question. Do we HAVE to go back through the swamp?
** Who: Ducky
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time X: The Great Longneck Migration]]'' (2003)

* And every nibbling day, the dinosaurs of the Great Valley gathered to celebrate these small things of life which mattered so much.
* Got you!
** Who 1: Narrator
** Who 2: Petrie
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time XI: Invasion of the Tinysauruses]]'' (2005)

* Many changes had occurred on this day of changes. And many more would follow. The dinosaur families understood this. They knew that change was a part of life in the Great Valley.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time XII: The Great Day of the Flyers]]'' (2006)

* In their journey to Berry Valley, the young dinosaurs had discovered that wisdom came in many different forms. And they knew that more lessons lay before them as they grew in the land before time.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time XIII: The Wisdom of Friends]]'' (2007)

* Littlefoot had found his father. And he found something else, too... Something he wasn't looking for. The realization that he and his friends would always be together... till the end of their days... in the Land Before Time.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Land Before Time XIV: Journey of the Brave]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:The Lego Movie (franchise)|The Lego Movie]]'' film series ===

* Oh, man.
** Who: Emmet Brickowski
** Source: ''[[The Lego Movie]]'' (2014)

* Wow, that was fun! Really hope nobody was recording that. Let me see. Oh, this thing is on. This thing is recording.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[The Lego Batman Movie]]'' (2017)

* B mark.
** Who: Director
** Source: ''[[The Lego Ninjago Movie]]'' (2017)

* An original album of ''Everything is Awesome''?! Wait a minute. Is that...? 
** Who: Emmet Brickowski
** Source: ''[[The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part]]'' (2019)

=== ''[[w:Lilo &amp; Stitch (franchise) (franchise)|Lilo &amp; Stitch]]'' film series ===

* Wait.
** Who: Stitch
** Source: ''[[Lilo &amp; Stitch]]'' (2002)

* And with 626, they make one hotshot evil genius experiment-catching team!
** Who: Jumba Jookiba
* (post-credits:) I'll get the wig.
** Who: Wendy Pleakley
** Source: ''[[Stitch! The Movie]]'' (2003)

* Mom would be so proud of you.
** Who: Nani Pelekai
** Source: ''[[Lilo &amp; Stitch 2: Stitch Has a Glitch]]'' (2005)

* Aloha!
** Who: The Pelekai ''ʻohana'': Lilo Pelekai, Stitch, Nani Pelekai, David Kawena, Jumba Jookiba, Wendy Pleakley, Mertle Edmonds, and many of Jumba's genetic experiments (Stitch's &quot;cousins&quot;)
** Source: ''[[Leroy &amp; Stitch]]'' (2006)

=== ''[[w:The Lion King (franchise)|The Lion King]]'' film series ===

* Remember...
** Who: Mufasa's Ghost
** Source: ''[[The Lion King]]'' (1994)

* Well done, my son. We are one.
** Who: Mufasa's Ghost
** Source: ''[[The Lion King II: Simba's Pride]]'' (1998)

* Uh, Timon? I still don't do so well in crowds.
** Who: Pumbaa
** Source: ''[[The Lion King 1½]]'' (2004)

=== ''[[w:The Little Mermaid (franchise)|The Little Mermaid]]'' film series ===

* I love you, daddy.
** Who: Ariel
** Source: ''[[The Little Mermaid (1989 film)|The Little Mermaid]]'' (1989)

* Hi.
** Who: Melody
** Source: ''[[The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea]]'' (2000)

* That's my girl. Samba? Ooh-wa, ooh-wa! 
** Who: Benjamin
** Source: ''[[The Little Mermaid: Ariel's Beginning]]'' (2008)

=== ''[[w:Madagascar (franchise)|Madagascar]]'' film series ===

* Nah. Just smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave.
** Who: Skipper
** Source: ''[[Madagascar (2005 film)|Madagascar]]'' (2005)

* Shake 'em. Shake 'em. Shake 'em. Shake 'em...
** Who: King Julian XII
** Source: ''[[Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa]]'' (2008)

* Hey, Skipper, what did you end up doing with the crazy lady, anyway?
** Who: Alex
** Source: ''[[Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted]]'' (2012)

* You know, if I'm being honest, I expected a little more... pizzazz! Yes! Now, that's pizzazz!
** Who: King Julian XII
** Source: ''[[Penguins of Madagascar]]'' (2014)

=== ''[[w:Monsters, Inc. (franchise)|Monsters, Inc.]]'' film series ===

* Kitty!
** Who: Boo
** Source: ''[[Monsters, Inc.]]'' (2001)

* You better believe it.
** Who: Mike Wazowski
* (post-credits:) Great.
** Who: Student Slug Monster
** Source: ''[[Monsters University]]'' (2013)

=== ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls'' film series ===

* Just a hunch.
** Who: Pinkie Pie
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Equestria Girls]]'' (2013)

* One! Two! Three! Four!
** Who: Human Pinkie Pie
* (post-credits:) No doubt about it, Spike, there's definitely something strange going on at that school.
** Who: Human Twilight Sparkle (Sci-Twi)
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Rainbow Rocks]]'' (2014)

* Make that the ''second'' strangest.
** Who: Princess Twilight Sparkle
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Friendship Games]]'' (2015)

* Where did the magic that hit this cave come from?
** Who: Sunset Shimmer
* (post-credits:) Let's celebrate!
** Who: Human Pinkie Pie
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Legend of Everfree]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:The Nut Job|The Nut Job]]'' film series ===

* Any more big ideas? Please stay.
** Who: Norvirus Raccoon
** Source: ''[[The Nut Job]]'' (2014)
** Note: A mid-credits scene reveals that Raccoon and Cardinal survived and were drifted out to sea, but sharks now surround them, leaving their fate ambiguous.

* Ride, Precious! Ride! Hiyah!
** Who: Surly
** Source: ''[[The Nut Job 2: Nutty by Nature]]'' (2017)

=== ''[[w:Open Season (franchise)|Open Season]]'' film series ===

* Wait, wait. No. No. No!
** Who: Shaw
** Source: ''[[Open Season]]'' (2006)

* Come on!
** Who: Elliot
** Source: ''[[Open Season 2]]'' (2009)

* Boop!
** Who: Allistar
** Source: ''[[Open Season 3]]'' (2011)

* No.
** Who: Boog
** Source: ''[[Open Season: Scared Silly]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[w:The Rescuers|The Rescuers]]'' film series ===

* I sure wish we'd have taken the train.
** Who: Bernard
** Source: ''[[The Rescuers]]'' (1977)

* Help! Anybody! Bernard! Bianca! Where are you? Okay, that's it, I'm out of here. This is ridiculous. You can't leave me here alone. I'm gone! I am gone. Oh. Aw, no, stay in those eggs! That's a direct order! Oh. Hey, you're kind of a cute little feller. Coochy, coochy... Yeowww! Whoa! Ohhh!
** Who: Wilbur
** Source: ''[[The Rescuers Down Under]]'' (1990)

=== ''[[w:Rio (franchise)|Rio]]'' film series ===

* That's my big brave boy.
** Who: Linda Gunderson
* (in-credits:) I love you, Rio!
** Who: Luiz
** Source: ''[[Rio (film)|Rio]]'' (2011)

* That's the end?
** Who: Pedro
** Source: ''[[Rio 2]]'' (2014)

=== ''Rugrats'' film series ===

* Way to go, Dilly!
** Who: Tommy Pickles, Chuckie Finster, Phil and Lil Deville
** Source: ''[[The Rugrats Movie]]'' (1998)

* Well, Tommy. I guess this is the way things are gonna be from now on.
** Who: Chuckie Finster
** Source: ''[[Rugrats in Paris: The Movie]]'' (2000)

* Well, Eliza, as dog is my witness, I'll never lose my babies again!
** Who: Spike the Dog
** Source: ''[[Rugrats Go Wild]]'' (2003)

=== ''[[w:Shrek (franchise)|Shrek]]'' film series ===

* Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe.
** Who: [[w:Donkey (Shrek)|Donkey]]
** Source: ''[[Shrek]]'' (2001)

* Hey Donkey, that's Spanish!
** Who: [[w:Puss in Boots (Shrek)|Puss in Boots]]
* (mid-credits:) Look at our little mutant babies! I gotta get a job!
** Who: [[w:Donkey (Shrek)|Donkey]]
** Source: ''[[Shrek 2]]'' (2004)

* I got it.
** Who: [[w:Shrek (character)|Shrek]]
** Source: ''[[Shrek the Third]]'' (2007)

* No, it was ''you'' that rescued ''me.''
** Who: [[w:Shrek (character)|Shrek]]
** Source: ''[[Shrek Forever After]]'' (2010)

* This is the story of a cat who became a hero. An outlaw dedicated to justice and a lover of beautiful woman. A great, great lover. Really, it is crazy. I am Puss in Boots! And my name would become legend.
** Who: [[w:Puss in Boots (Shrek)|Puss in Boots]]
* (in-credits:) Oh!
** Who: Oh Cat
** Source: ''[[Puss in Boots (2011 film)|Puss in Boots]]'' (2011)

=== ''[[w:SpongeBob SquarePants (film series)|SpongeBob SquarePants]]'' film series ===

* Are you crazy? I was just gonna tell you that your fly is down. Manager! This is the greatest day of my life!
** Who: SpongeBob SquarePants
* (post credits:) Okay.
** Who: Captain Bart the Pirate
** Source: ''[[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie]]'' (2004)

* See you later, te-ammate!
** Who: [[w:SpongeBob SquarePants (character)|SpongeBob SquarePants]]
* That was pretty good actually.
** Who: Bubbles
* (in-credits:) You know what this needs? A little interpretive dance!
** Who: [[w:Squidward Tentacles|Squidward Tentacles]]
** Source: ''[[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water]]'' (2015)

* Order up!
** Who: [[w:SpongeBob SquarePants (character)|SpongeBob SquarePants]]
** Source: ''[[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge on the Run]]'' (2020)

=== ''[[w:Surf's Up (film)|Surf's Up]]'' film series ===

* Cody would never do this.
** Who: Edna Maverick
** Source: ''[[Surf's Up]]'' (2007)

* Okay, That's a wrap on this episode of &quot;Are they still cool? Surf Edition&quot;. Aaaand cut.
** Who: Announcer
** Source: ''[[Surf's Up 2: WaveMania]]'' (2017)

=== ''[[w:Toy Story (franchise)|Toy Story]]'' film series ===

* Oh, what is it? What is it? Wow! A puppy!
** Who: Andy Davis
** Source: ''[[Toy Story]]'' (1995)

* Besides, when it all ends, I'll have old Buzz Lightyear to keep me company - for infinity and beyond.
** Who: Woody
* Yeah!
** Who: Wheezy
* (outtakes:) A little break, okay. Phew.
** Who: Barbie
** Source: ''[[Toy Story 2]]'' (1999)

* So long, partner. Oh hey, Buzz! You haven't met Bonnie's toys yet! 
** Who: Woody
* (in-credits:) Just go with it, Buzz.
** Who: Jessie
** Source: ''[[Toy Story 3]]'' (2010)

* He's not lost. Not anymore. To infinity...
* ...and beyond.
** Who 1: Buzz Lightyear
** Who 2: Woody
* (mid-credits 1:) Oh yeah. Leave it to us, Jermiah.
** Who: Ducky
* (mid-credits 2:) Yeah. We know exactly what to do.
** Who: Bunny
* (mid-credits 3:) Whoa.
** Who: Duke Caboom
* (mid-credits 4:) I don't know.
** Who: Forky
* (post-credits:) Caboom! Yes.
** Who: Duke Caboom
** Source: ''[[Toy Story 4]]'' (2019)

* To infinity...
* ...and beyond.
** Who 1: Izzy Hawthorne
** Who 2: Buzz Lightyear
* (mid-credits:) [laughs] Laser Shield.
**Who: Commander Burnside
*(post-credits:) Ask the bromite swamps, a breathtaking sight or so I am told, but if you're in a hurry, this would be your most direct route. Any questions? Hello? Oh...
**Who: E.R.I.C.
** Source: ''[[Lightyear (film)|Lightyear]]'' (2022)

=== ''[[Winnie the Pooh]]'' film series ===

* Wherever they go, and whatever happens to them on the way, in their enchanted place on top of the forest, a little bear will always be waiting.
** Who: The narrator
** Source: ''[[The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh]]'' (1977)

* Yes, Piglet. It's the least we could do... for a very small Piglet who's done such very big things. Thank you, Piglet.
** Who: Pooh
** Source: ''[[Piglet's Big Movie]]'' (2003)

* And so it is here we shall leave them. And here we shall find them again. For the boy and the bear will always be together in this remarkable place called the Hundred Acre Wood.
** Who: The narrator
** Source: ''[[Pooh's Grand Adventure: The Search for Christopher Robin]]'' (1997)

* You know, we never really did capture a Heffalump that day. It was more like... like Lumpy captured all of us.
** Who: Pooh
** Source: ''[[Pooh's Heffalump Movie]]'' (2005)

* You were right! I love Hallowoon! Hallow-woo... Hallow... Oh, whatever. As long as we're together!
** Who: Lumpy
** Source: ''[[Pooh's Heffalump Halloween Movie]]'' (2006)

* Look this way, everybody. Closer. Smile!
** Who: Christopher Robin
** Source: ''[[The Tigger Movie]]'' (2000)

* Silly old bear.
** Who: Christopher Robin
* (post-credits:) Wow! It's amazing what you can find in the woods. A marble! And a boot! And oh, my, that's a scary-lookin' fella. Gosh! Maybe these are his things. You know, I better pick 'em up so they won't get broken. That's the last thing I would want. Whoa!  Oh, my gosh! Is this a pit? I think I'm in a pit! Hello? Anybody up there? Oh, well. I sure hope that fella will be back soon.
** Who: The Backson
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh (film)|Winnie the Pooh]]'' (2011)
** Note: He comes out of the scary woods and proves to be real but instead of being a monstrous beast, he is actually very kind and the bait Pooh and the other left for him he decided to pick them up to return to them but falls into the pit as planned. He decides to wait for someone to help him out and hopes he'll be back soon.

* And so another Christmas came and went in the Hundred Acre Wood. It had been a joyous season of giving for all our friends, but especially for a little bear named Winnie the Pooh.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh: Seasons of Giving]]'' (1999)

* Not bad! But it could've used a few more jingly bells.
** Who: Tigger
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh: A Very Merry Pooh Year]]'' (2002)

* BBFN: Bye-Bye For Now!
** Who: Roo
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh: Springtime With Roo]]'' (2004)

=== ''[[Winx Club]]'' film series ===

* And thus, the fairy that was searching for her origins learned to believe in herself, and to trust the people she loved. She stayed true to herself, and to what she believed in, and won her greatest battle, saving her kingdom, freeing her people, and reuniting her family, and finally becoming a true guardian fairy. And now written in the Book of Fate, there's a new Company of Light... the Winx!
** Who: Bartelby (Dubbing Brothers)
* And so, the most strong-willed of all fairies overcame the greatest challenge. She learned to believe in herself and trust the people she loved. She stayed true to what was in her heart and in doing so she saved a kingdom, freed her people, and reunited her long-lost family. And finally, she became a true Guardian Fairy. And now written in the Book of Fate, there's a new Company of Light, called... the Winx!
** Who: Bartelby (Atlas Oceanic)
* (pre-credits:) And soon we'll loop their stupid little fairy wings right off their bodies!
** Who: Icy (Dubbing Brothers)
* (pre-credits:) And soon we reap their weak little fairy wings right of their bodies!
** Who: Icy (Atlas Oceanic)
** Source: ''[[Winx Club: The Secret of the Lost Kingdom]]'' (2007)

* Daddy...
** Who: Bloom
* (post-credits:) Ta-da!!!
** Who: Stella
** Source: ''[[Winx Club 3D: Magical Adventure]]'' (2010)

* Kiko... Thank you! I'm really dying for an ice cream!
** Who: Sky
** Source: ''[[Winx Club: The Mystery of the Abyss]]'' (2014)

=== ''[[w:Wreck-It Ralph (franchise)|Wreck-It Ralph]]'' film series ===

* But I gotta say, the best part of my day is when I get thrown off the roof. Because when the Nicelanders lift me up, I get a perfect view of Sugar Rush, and I can see Vanellope racing. The kid's a natural, the players love her, glitch and all, just like I knew they would. Turns out I don't need a medal to tell me I'm a good guy. Because if that little kid likes me... how bad can I be?
** Who: [[w:Wreck-it Ralph (character)|Wreck-it Ralph]]
** Source: ''[[Wreck-It Ralph]]'' (2012)

* Come on Felix, let's get to work, buddy.
* (mid-credits:) No, the kitty gets the milkshake. The bunny gets the pancake.
* (post-credits:) Oh no, why would I?! I like you! You guys still sticking around? Alright well, you're welcome to stay, there's not really anymore surprises but you know. Good luck getting that song out of your head it's a real ear wig. Anyway what else uh...
** Who: [[w:Wreck-it Ralph (character)|Wreck-it Ralph]]
** Source: ''[[Ralph Breaks the Internet]]'' (2018)

== Streaming service films ==

=== Disney+ films ===

* Hey! Movie's over! Go home!
** Who: Terry
** Source: ''[[Soul (2020 film)|Soul]]'' (2020)

=== Netflix films ===

* Well, rickety biscuit.
** Who: Edmée
** Source: ''[[Arlo the Alligator Boy]]'' (2021)

* Yay! I missed you so much!
** Who: GIR
** Source: ''[[Invader Zim: Enter the Florpus]]'' (2019)

* No!
** Who: Bobby Santiago
* (in-credits:) Just the right amount of cinnamon.
** Who: Lincoln Loud
** Source: ''[[The Loud House Movie]]'' (2021)

* Whew! Hey, guys. What did I miss? ''Aaaaaahhhhh''--
** Who: Balloon Pony
* (post-credits:) Me first!
** Who: Kid Earth Pony 1
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: A New Generation]]'' (2021)

* Woo-hoo...Oof!
** Who: Hilda
** Source: ''[[Hilda and The Mountain King]]'' (2021)

* Two thousand one boogers on the wall, two thousand and one boogers... Pick one out and flick it off, two thousand and two boogers on the wall. Two thousand and two boogers on the wall, two thousand and two boogers...
** Who: Mr. Dupette
** Source: ''[[Rocko's Modern Life: Static Cling]]'' (2019)

=== Paramount+ films ===

* We just had another call asking to speak with Victor Chouce. You're quite a popular man, Victor. I wonder what all the fuss is about. Don't feel like talking, huh? You will.
** Who: Warden
** Source: ''[[South Park: Post Covid]]'' (2021)

* Remember folks, weed can't solve all your problems but tegridy can. Tegridy Weeeed.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[South Park: Post Covid: The Return of Covid]]'' (2021)

* Yeah, well, you see, ManBearPig, eventually, he gonna kill everybody. He just gonna kill you first.
** Who: Pi-Pi
** Source: ''[[South Park: The Streaming Wars]]'' (2022)

* Yeah, but that all sounds really hard. We have enough water for the summer now. Fuck it. Let's smoke some weed!
** Who: Randy Marsh
** Source: ''[[South Park: The Streaming Wars Part 2]]'' (2022)

== Animated TV specials ==

* D.W., turn that thing off!
** Who: Arthur Read
** Source: ''Arthur's Perfect Christmas'' (2000)
* Well, you kids will never believe this, but I could almost swear I saw a cat – a Cat in the Hat, mind you – going down the street with a moss-covered three-handled family gradunza!
** Who: Mother
** Source: ''[[The Cat in the Hat (TV special)|The Cat in the Hat]]'' (1971)
* C'mon, sis. Let's go talk to Mom and Dad.
** Who: Michael
** Source: ''[[Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue]]'' (1990)

* There is a story, some kids tell about when the world was ruled by an evil adult. A story about a boy, his dad, a book, and a tree. It's the true story about how I found the book of KND and what I wrote in it. Five words only. We. Are. Kids. Next. Door.
** Who: Nigel Uno (Numbuh One)
** Source: ''[[Codename: Kids Next Door - Operation Z.E.R.O.]]'' (2006)

* It's taken me so many years, so many lifetimes, but at last I know where I'm going. Where I've always been going. Home, the long way round.
** Who: The [[Eleventh Doctor]]
** Source: ''[[Eleventh Doctor|Doctor Who: The Day of the Doctor]]'' (2013)

* Mr. Phillip has wished, and so I shall use my power. With a wave of my hands, I shall say, &quot;au revoir, Eiffel Tower!&quot;
** Who: Adil
** Source: ''[[Genie in the House|Genie in the House: Legend of the Dragon]]'' (2010)

* Oh, I love it, Philip, I love it too bits!
** Who: Max Baxter
** Source: ''[[Genie in the House|Genie in the House: Return to Balamkadaar]]'' (2008)

* We'll be waiting right here.
** Who: Stella Shortman
** Source: ''[[Hey Arnold!: The Jungle Movie]]'' (2017)

* Welcome, Christmas, bring your cheer. Cheer to all Whos far and near. Christmas Day is in our grasp, so as long as we have hands to clap, Christmas Day will always be just as long as we have. Welcome, Christmas. While we stand... Heart to heart... and hand to hand.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[w: How the Grinch stole Christmas|Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas]]'' (1966)

* Merry Christmas!
** Who: [[w:Santa Claus|Santa Claus]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: A Mammoth Christmas]]'' (2011)

* The ship is terrible! Not seaworthy! Bunny overboard!
** Who: [[w:List_of_Ice_Age_characters#Squint|Squint]]
** Source: ''[[Ice Age: The Great Egg-Scapade]]'' (2016)
** Note: Squint trying to sail away in a basket as a ship but unfortunately it sinks.

* Merry Christmas and happy Julianuary, everybody!
** Who: Mort
** Source: ''[[Merry Madagascar]]'' (2009)

* Two, three four!
** Who: River
** Source: ''My Scene: Jammin' in Jamaica'' (2004)

* To sharing secrets with the best friends anyone could ever have!
** Who: Chelsea
** Source: ''My Scene: Masquerade Madness'' (2004)

* What? It's none of your business!
** Who: Beth
** Source: ''Polly Pocket: Lunar Eclipse'' (2003)

* Still, it was mad fun!
** Who: Pia Pocket
** Source: ''Polly Pocket: 2 Cool at the Pocket Plaza'' (2005)

* Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho!
** Who: [[w:Santa Claus|Santa Claus]]
** Source: ''[[Stick Man]]'' (2015)

* Okay, next time, we're going to Mexico. Ow!
** Who: Beast Boy
** Source: ''[[Teen Titans: Trouble in Tokyo]]'' (2006)

* Above all, do not lament my absence, for in my spark, I know that this is not the end, but merely a new beginning. Simply put, another transformation.
** Who: Optimus Prime
** Source: ''[[Transformers: Prime|Transformers: Prime - Predacons Rising]]'' (2013)

* First one inside gets to give him mouth to mouth!
** Who: Lee
* (post-credits:) It's the end of the movie? What movie?
** Who: Jonny 2X4
** Source: ''[[Ed, Edd n Eddy's Big Picture Show]]'' (2009)

* That night, the stars seemed to shine down on the forest with a special warm glow. Schaeffer wondered if he could have dreamt it all. Surely a star had fallen and spread magic in its path? And one special wish had come true, just now. And then Schaeffer stopped wondering, because he suddenly knew that if Broo had made it to the Evergreen Forest, then he would soon see Sophia and the Raccoons too.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[The Raccoons and the Lost Star]]'' (1983)

=== ''[[Futurama]]'' ===

* Well, we're boned.
** Who: Bender
** Source: ''[[Futurama: Bender's Big Score]]'' (2007)

* Because Bender knows love. And love doesn't share itself with the world. Love is suspicious, love is needy, love is fearful, love is greedy. My friends, there is no great love without great jealousy. I love you, meatbags.
** Who: Bender
** Source: ''[[Futurama: The Beast with a Billion Backs]]'' (2008)

* Faster! Faster! Slower!
** Who: Professor Farnsworth
** Source: ''[[Futurama: Bender's Game]]'' (2008)

* Go! Go!
** Who: Fry and Leela
** Source: ''[[Futurama: Into the Wild Green Yonder]]'' (2009)

=== ''[[The Jimmy Timmy Power Hour Specials]]'' ===

* Get out of my lab!
** Who: Jimmy Neutron
** Source: ''Jimmy Timmy Power Hour'' (2004)

* Boys, boys! Please! This fighting over me has got to stop!
** Who: Cindy Vortex
** Source: ''Jimmy Timmy Power Hour 2: When Nerds Collide'' (2006)

* Okay, give him his brain back, boys.
** Who: Cindy Vortex
** Source: ''Jimmy Timmy Power Hour 3: The Jerkinators'' (2006)

=== ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls'' specials ===

* Me too!
** Who: Sour Sweet
** Source: ''Dance Magic'' (2017)

* Uh, sorry.
** Who: Human Rainbow Dash
** Source: ''Movie Magic'' (2017)

* Right.
** Who: Starlight Glimmer
** Source: ''Mirror Magic'' (2017)

* Oh, come on! Seriously?!
** Who: Human Rainbow Dash
** Source: ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Forgotten Friendship'' (2018)

* If you’re up for it.
** Who: Human Rarity
** Source: ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Rollercoaster of Friendship'' (2018)

* We’re back!
** Who: Sunset Shimmer
** Source: ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Spring Breakdown'' (2019)

* Yeah, I guess it would’ve been!
** Who: Human Pinkie Pie
** Source: ''My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Sunset's Backstage Pass'' (2020)

=== ''[[Miraculous Ladybug]]'' ===

* Hmm.
** Who: Monk
** Source: ''[[Miraculous World: New York – United Heroez]]'' (2020)

* Coming to China, I found so much more than I'd ever hoped for: an amazing uncle, a new friend, and a new Mandarin teacher.
** Who: Marinette Dupain-Cheng
** Source: ''[[Miraculous World: Shanghai – The Legend of Ladydragon]]'' (2020)

=== ''Peanuts'' ===

* Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown!
** Who: Everyone
** Source: ''[[A Charlie Brown Christmas]]'' (1965)

* My grandmother lives in a condominium.
** Who: Charlie Brown
** Source: ''[[A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving]] (1973)

* To read Crime and Punishment by Dostoevsky. Happy New Year, Charlie Brown.
** Who: [[w:Linus van Pelt|Linus van Pelt]]
** Source: ''[[Happy New Year, Charlie Brown]]'' (1986)

* Ah...the Easter Beagle...
** Who: Lucy van Pelt
** Source: ''[[It's the Easter Beagle, Charlie Brown]]'' (1974)

* Stupid?! What do you mean &quot;stupid&quot;?! Just wait till next year, Charlie Brown! You'll see! Next year at this same time, I'll find a pumpkin patch that is *real* sincere and I'll sit in that pumpkin patch until the Great Pumpkin appears. He'll rise out of that pumpkin patch and he'll fly through the air with his bag of toys. The Great Pumpkin will appear and I'll be waiting for him! I'll be there! I'll be sitting there in that pumpkin patch... and I'll see the Great Pumpkin. Just wait and see, Charlie Brown. I'll see that Great Pumpkin. I'll See the Great Pumpkin! Just you wait, Charlie Brown. The Great Pumpkin will appear, and I'll be waiting for him...!
** Who: Linus van Pelt
** Source: ''[[It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown]]'' (1966)

* Grandma?
** Who: Linus van Pelt
** Source: ''Happiness is a Warm Blanket, Charlie Brown'' (2011)

* Charlie Brown, get your stupid dog to stop playing this music!
** Who: Lucy van Pelt
** Source: ''[[It's the Pied Piper, Charlie Brown]]'' (2000)

=== ''Rankin/Bass'' ===

* Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!
** Who: Santa Claus
** Source: ''[[Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (TV special)|Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer]]'' (1964)

* Aaron's heart was filled with joy and love. And he knew at last that the hate he had carried there was wrong. As ALL hatred will ever be wrong. For more powerful, more beautiful by far than all the eons of sadness and cruelty and desolation which had come before, was that one tiny, crystalline second of laughter. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.
** Who: Our Storyteller
** Source: ''[[The Little Drummer Boy (film)|The Little Drummer Boy]]'' (1968)

* I'll be back on Christmas Day!
** Who: Frosty
** Source: ''[[Frosty the Snowman (TV special)|Frosty the Snowman]]'' (1969)

* Merry Christmas!
** Who: Children
** Source: ''[[Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town (film)|Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town]]'' (1970)

* Happy Easter Day!
** Who: Everyone
** Source: ''[[Here Comes Peter Cottontail]]'' (1971)

* Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!
** Who: Santa Claus
** Source: ''[['Twas the Night Before Christmas (1974 TV special)|'Twas the Night Before Christmas]]'' (1974)

* I dreamed unhappy things!
** Who: Santa Claus
** Source: ''[[The Year Without a Santa Claus]]'' (1974)

* And frosty, too!
** Who: Frosty and Crystal
** Source: ''[[Frosty's Winter Wonderland]]'' (1976)

* And may it be shiny, too!
** Who: Rudolph
** Source: ''[[Rudolph's Shiny New Year]]'' (1976)

* Okay!
** Who: Rudolph
** Source: ''[[Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July]]'' (1979)

* And so, the folks of Beansborough got their winter carnival after all. A tradition was saved. Summer Wheeze was permanently canned, and Mr. Twitchell decided to make sleds instead of trouble. He should have known he was no match for Mother Nature, or a little girl like Holly. Next stop: Winnipeg. Nice town, plenty of parking space, and lots of cocoa.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Frosty Returns]]'' (1992)

=== ''Marvel Rising'' franchise ===

=== ''Thomas and Friends'' specials ===

* Emily was delighted. That night, the engines talked about steamies, diesels, and airplanes, and they all agreed that Tidmouth sheds was the best place to be.
** Who: The narrator
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Calling All Engines]]'' (2005)

* But we're all leaders of the track!
* And he couldn't have been happier!
** Who 1: Thomas
** Who 2: The narrator
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|The Great Discovery]]'' (2008)

* I know, Thomas. Thank you.
** Who: Hiro
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Hero of the Rails]]'' (2008)

* And everyone giggled and jiggled.
** Who: The narrator
* (post-credits:) You'll be laughing on the other side of your boilers soon, silly steamies! ''(evil laugh)'' Yes...
** Who: Diesel 10
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Misty Island Rescue]]'' (2010)
** Note: The latter aforementioned line leads into the events of ''Day of the Diesels''. 

* And the two best friends giggled and jiggled with joy.
** Who: The narrator
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Day of the Diesels]]'' (2011)

* And no engine whistled louder than Thomas and Luke!
** Who: The narrator
* (in-credits:) It's me!
** Who: Rheneas
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Blue Mountain Mystery]]'' (2012)

* Knights in Shining Armor, on your mark, get set, go!
** Who: Sir Robert Norramby
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|King of the Railway]]'' (2013)

* Percy was sad to say goodbye to his new friend, but he was happy that he had his old friends beside him.
** Who: The narrator
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Tale of the Brave]]'' (2014)

* But I'm not Mr. Coffee Pot, my name is Glynn.
** Who: Glynn
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|The Adventure Begins]]'' (2015)

* One, two, three!
** Who: Scuba divers' captain
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Sodor's Legend of the Lost Treasure]]'' (2015)

* Good idea! You ''are'' clever. Sometimes.
** Who: Ashima
* (in-credits:) Over here! I'm full of surprises...!
** Who: Diesel
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|The Great Race]]'' (2016)

* What did I miss?
** Who: Henry
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Journey Beyond Sodor]]'' (2017)

* Thomas?
** Who: Ace
** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends|Big World! Big Adventures!]]'' (2018)

=== ''Winnie the Pooh'' specials ===

* No worry! Take your time! Yum, yum!
** Who: Winnie the Pooh
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh and the Honey Tree]]'' (1966)

* And Piglet, too!
** Who: Piglet
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh and the Blustery Day]]'' (1968)

* Come on, everybody! Bounce!
** Who: Rabbit
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh and Tigger Too]]'' (1974)

* Of course you are. Silly old bear.
** Who: Christopher Robin
** Source: ''[[Winnie the Pooh and a Day for Eeyore]]'' (1983)

* And so it was the most thankful day of Thanksgiving, for of all the things we've had or ever liked, the grandest thing we shall ever have is one another... or so it was said, by a bear named Winnie the Pooh.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''A Winnie the Pooh Thanksgiving'' (1998)

* And so as winter changes into spring, which changes into summer, there are things which go on forever unchanging, such as the way a certain boy cares for a certain bear. And we will know for as long as we care to remember, that somewhere in that enchanted place, on top of the forest... a boy and his bear... will always be playing.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''Winnie the Pooh: A Valentine for You'' (1999)

=== ''Winx Club'' specials ===

* I am a fairy!!!
** Who: Bloom
** Source: ''Winx Club: The Fate of Bloom'' (2011)

* The Trix took the Dragon Flame!
** Who: Bloom
** Source: ''Winx Club: Revenge of the Trix'' (2011)

* I don't know, but I guess we'll find out... together.
** Who: Sky
** Source: ''Winx Club: The Battle for Magix'' (2011)

* Get over here!
** Who: Bloom
** Source: ''Winx Club: The Shadow Phoenix'' (2011)

[[Category:Last lines|Animated films]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Last lines in live-action films</title>
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      <contributor>
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      <comment>/* Scooby-Doo live action movies */</comment>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="73077" xml:space="preserve">== Live-action films ==

* Christian.
** Who: Ana Steele
** Source: ''[[Fifty Shades of Grey (film)|50 Shades of Grey]]'' (2015)

*And lived happily ever after. At least for now. Hey, I'm only a freshman!
**Who: Samantha &quot;Sam&quot; Montgomery
**Source: ''[[A Cinderella Story]]'' (2004)

* Will do.
** Who: Capt. Jack Ross
** Source: ''[[A Few Good Men]]'' (1992)

* Let's take a picture of the whole team. The original peaches! Hey, come on, come on. Okay.
** Who: Doris
* (in-credits:) Yesterday or tomorrow, that might be a ball but today, it was a strike!
** Who: Umpire
** Source: ''[[A League of Their Own]]'' (1992)

* Only because you got caught.
** Who: Jasmine
** Source: ''[[Aladdin (2019 film)|''Aladdin'' remake]]'' (2019)

* The mystic chords of memory, who swell and again touched as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.
** Who: Danny Vinyard
** Source: ''[[American History X]]'' (1998)

* There are no more barriers to cross. All I have in common with the uncontrollable and the insane, the vicious and the evil, all the mayhem I have caused and my utter indifference toward it I have now surpassed. My pain is constant and sharp, and I do not hope for a better world for anyone. In fact, I want my pain to be inflicted on others. I want no one to escape. But even after admitting this, there is no catharsis; my punishment continues to elude me, and I gain no deeper knowledge of myself. No new knowledge can be extracted from my telling. This confession has meant nothing.
** Who: Patrick Bateman
** Source: ''[[American Psycho (film)|American Psycho]]'' (2000)

* Hail to the King, Baby!
** Who: Ash Williams
** Source: ''[[Army of Darkness]]'' (1992)

* Our mission was called &quot;a successful failure,&quot; in that we returned safely but never made it to the moon. In the following months, it was determined that a damaged coil built inside the oxygen tank sparked during our cryo stir and caused the explosion that crippled the Odyssey. It was a minor defect that occured two years before I was even named the flight's commander. Fred Haise was going back to the moon on Apollo 18, but his mission was cancelled because of budget cuts; he never flew in space again. Nor did Jack Swigert, who left the astronaut corps and was elected to *Congress* from the state of Colorado. But he died of cancer before he was able to take office. Ken Mattingly orbited the moon as Command Module Pilot of Apollo 16, *and* flew the Space Shuttle, having never gotten the measles. Gene Kranz retired as Director of Flight Operations just not long ago. And many other members of Mission Control have gone on to other things, but some are still there. As for me, the seven extraordinary days of Apollo 13 were my last in space. I watched other men walk on the moon, and return safely, all from the confines of Mission Control and our house in Houston. I sometimes catch myself looking up at the moon, remembering the changes of fortune in our long voyage, thinking of the thousands of people who worked to bring the three of us home. I look up at the moon, and wonder, when will we be going back, and who will that be?
** Who: Jim Lovell
** Source: ''[[Apollo 13 (film)|Apollo 13]]'' (1995)

* Barney.
** Who: Baby Fig
** Source: ''[[Barney's Great Adventure]]'' (1998)

* Did you do that? Very good work. Let me ask you, how do you get them down so small? Hey look, there goes Elvis, yo king! Well, guess I am next. I have an appointment with GQ in half an hour. They have been trying to get me for weeks. Some underwear thing or something. Hey, what is going on here? Hey, stop it, WHOA! Hey, This might be a good look for me.
** Who: Betelgeuse / &quot;Beetlejuice&quot;
** Source: ''[[Beetlejuice]] (1988)

* Yo, Little Mash, show me the &quot;Nutcracker&quot;.
** Who: The Masher
** Source: ''[[Big Fat Liar]]'' (2002)

* You know, I wouldn't bother...
** Who: Alan Wolf
* (in-credits:) And that, my darlings, is a wrap.
** Who: Kevin Shepherd
** Source: ''[[Bigger Fatter Liar]]'' (2017)

* You think he's horny? Come here.
** Who: Veronica Vaughn
** Source: ''[[Billy Madison]]'' (1995)

* Oh, my God! No! No! Please don't take off! Please! Al! Al! No! No! [screaming] Help!
** Who: Mike Donnelly
** Source: ''[[Black Sheep (1996 film)|Black Sheep]]'' (1996)

* Give me peace.
** Who: Dracula
** Source: ''[[Bram Stoker's Dracula]]'' (1992)

* Does that answer your question? Sincerely yours, the Breakfast Club.
** Who: Brian Johnson
** Source: ''[[The Breakfast Club]]'' (1985)

* Yeah, sure you are.
** Who: Paramedic
** Source: ''[[The Cable Guy]]'' (1996)

* Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
** Who: Rick Blaine
** Source: ''[[Casablanca (film)|Casablanca]]'' (1942)

* The town will never be the same. After the Tangiers, the big corporations took it all over. Today it looks like Disneyland. And while the kids play cardboard pirates, Mommy and Daddy drop the house payments and Junior's college money on the poker slots. In the old days, dealers knew your name, what you drank, what you played. Today, it's like checkin' into an airport. And if you order room service, you're lucky if you get it by Thursday. Today, it's all gone. You get a whale show up with four million in a suitcase, and some twenty-five-year-old hotel school kid is gonna want his Social Security Number. After the Teamsters got knocked out of the box, the corporations tore down practically every one of the old casinos. And where did the money come from to rebuild the pyramids? Junk bonds. But in the end, I wound up right back where I started. I could still pick winners, and I could still make money for all kinds of people back home. And why mess up a good thing? And that's that.
** Who: Samuel &quot;Sam / Ace&quot; Rothstein
** Source: ''[[Casino (film)|Casino]]'' (1995)

* It ain't over yet, boys!
** Who: Dr. James Harvey
** Source: ''[[Casper (film)|Casper]]'' (1995)

* Thank you.
** Who: Chuck Noland
** Source: ''[[Cast Away]]'' (2000)

* In the end, Charlie Bucket won a chocolate factory. But Willy Wonka had something even better, a family. And one thing was absolutely certain - life had never been sweeter.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (film)|Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]]'' (2005)

* Silly old bear.
** Who: Christopher Robin
* (in-credits:) Thank ya for noticing me.
** Who: Eeyore
** Source: ''[[Christopher Robin (film)|Christopher Robin]]'' (2018)

* And so Kit and Ella were married. And I can tell you, as her fairy godmother, that they were counted to be the fairest and kindest rulers the kingdom had known. And Ella continued to see the world not as it is, but as it could be, if only you believe in courage, and kindness, and occasionally, just a little bit... of magic. 
** Who: Fairy Godmother
** Source: ''[[Cinderella (2015 film)|''Cinderella'' remake]]'' (2015)

* Throw that junk in too!
** Who: Raymond
** Source: ''[[Citizen Kane]]'' (1941)
** Notes: The credits show each actor saying their lines each from Joseph Cotten to George Coulouris, followed by the rest of the cast saving Orson Welles as the last one billed.

* Let's go home. Ah!
** Who: Mitch Robbins
** Source: ''[[City Slickers]]'' (1991)

* It's got friends.
** Who: Duke Washburn
** Source: ''[[City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly's Gold]] (1994)

* And, in an ordinary barn, an ordinary pig, a runt no less, stood surrounded by friends, welcoming his second spring. And that spring was followed by many, many more. All because someone stopped to see the grace and beauty and nobility of the humblest creature. That is the miracle of friendship. It is not often that someone comes along who is a true friend and a good writer. Charlotte was both.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Charlotte's Web (2006 film)|Charlotte's Web]]'' (2006)

* I guess you could say that when Tom and I left Midland we had a mess of theories about how to raise children. We still have a mess of children, but no theories. Sure, 12 is still our number. It's the number of months my book was on the bestseller list. It's the number of job offers Tom turned down before we found one close to home. And each day it's the number of times I'm thankful there's such a thing as family.
** Who: Kate Baker
** Source: ''[[Cheaper by the Dozen (2003 film)|Cheaper by the Dozen]]'' (2003)

* Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown.
** Who: Walsh
** Source: ''[[Chinatown]]'' (1974)

* I got it!
** Who: Cher Horowitz
** Source: ''[[Clueless (film)|Clueless]]'' (1995)

* What is going on?! Don't you people have any respect?!
** Who: [[w:Kathryn Merteuil|Kathryn Merteuil]]
** Source: ''[[Cruel Intentions]]'' (1999)

* I'm everyone - and no one. Everywhere - nowhere. Call me...Darkman.
** Who: Darkman / Peyton Westlake
** Source: ''Darkman'' (1990)

* Sammy!
** Who: Jesse Barrett
** Source: ''[[Dark Skies]]'' (2013)

* Too late! That'll be mine!
** Who: Grinch
** Source: ''[[w:How the Grinch stole Christmas (film)|Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch stole Christmas]]'' (2000)

* Come on, Things! Let's go! What's on my schedule for tomorrow? What do you say we go on vacation? How 'bout Hawaii? I like Hawaii. I should warn you, there are certain places that don't allow certain Things. Oh, Things are complicated.
** Who: The Cat in the Hat
** Source: ''[[The Cat in the Hat (film)|Dr. Seuss' The Cat in the Hat]]'' (2003)

* Yeah, Dad.
** Who: Ben Hinton
** Source: ''[[Daddy Day Care]]'' (2003)

* Welcome to the Endangered Species list, you bastard.
** Who: Carol Brubaker
** Source: ''[[Dinoshark]]'' (2010)

* You looked wonderful out there.
** Who: Jake Houseman
** Source: ''[[Dirty Dancing]]'' (1987)

* Oh, no, not again.
** Who: The [[Eighth Doctor]]
** Source: ''[[Eighth Doctor|Doctor Who]]'' (1996)

* Now it's back to the real world all of you I must send. For I've only two words left and they are: The End.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Ella Enchanted]]'' (2006)

* I absolutely love Christmas.
** Who: Eloise
** Source: ''[[Eloise at Christmastime]]'' (2003)

* And so, they all lived happily ever after.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Enchanted (2007 film)|Enchanted]]'' (2007)

* Bye.
** Who: Elliot
** Source: ''[[E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial]]'' (1982)

* Hell, it's Saturday morning. Don't tell me you kids don't enjoy a good cartoon!
** Who: Mr. Hinchlow
** Source: ''[[Evil Toons]]'' (1992)

* You can't let fear keep you from caring about someone, because caring about someone is wonderful. A person you can think about, and they think about you, and you both know you're thinking about each other. And it's... It's fantastic to know that there's somebody out there in the world thinking about you.
** Who: Fat Albert
* (in-credits:) Let go of my legs! I gotta help these people. Why, look at that guy. Ooh, look at his-- Yeah, you can't tell me he doesn't need my help. Check out that lady over there. Do I detect tears? Eh, you in the back! Where are you goin'? It's not over! You gotta watch the end credits.
** Who: Fat Albert
** Source: ''[[Fat Albert (film)|Fat Albert]] (2004)

* You're still here? It's over. Go home. Go.
** Who: Ferris Bueller
** Source: ''[[Ferris Bueller's Day Off]]'' (1986)

* You met me at a very strange time in my life.
** Who: The Narrator
** Source: ''[[Fight Club]]'' (1999)

* WILMAAAA!
** Who: Fred Flintstone
** Source: ''[[The Flintstones (film)|The Flintstones]]'' (1994)

* When we get to the hotel, I don't care what you say. I'm not sharing a room with him. Look at him, he's gross, he bounces all the time, he squeaks, he phase-shifts, I mean he's a Quasi-plasmoid. If it's hot in Hawaii, I hope he melts.
** Who: Webette
** Source: ''[[Flubber (film)|Flubber]]'' (1997)

* Of course; you're Dorothy Harris, and I'm Forrest Gump.
** Who: Forrest Gump Jr.
** Source: ''[[Forrest Gump]]'' (1994)

* No, no, no, really. It's easy for me. I'll just make a phone call. Make it easy for you.
** Who: Carmine Sabatini
** Source: ''The Freshman'' (1990)

*My thoughts drift back to erect nipple wet dreams about Mary Jane Rottencrotch and the Great Homecoming Fuck Fantasy. I am so happy that I am alive, in one piece and short. I'm in a world of shit... yes. But I am alive. And I am not afraid.
**Who: Private Joker
**Source: ''[[Full Metal Jacket]]'' (1987)

* George just lucky, I guess.
** Who: George
* (in-credits:) Wait a moment! Wait, wait, wait! Don't you want to know what happened to me?
** Who: Ape
* (post-credits:) Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the king of the jungle.
** Who: Ape
** Source: ''[[George of the Jungle (film)|George of the Jungle]]'' (1997)

* George, Watch out for that...
** Who: Ursula
* (mid-credits:) Oh, man. Sorry!
** Who: Narrator
* (post-credits:) Well, It's very nice to meet you.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[George of the Jungle 2]]'' (2003)

* Well, I guess there's only way thing left to say: Huh. Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger. Can I take your order?
** Who: Ed
** Source: ''[[Good Burger]]'' (1997)

* And that's the hardest part. Today everything is different; there's no action... have to wait around like everyone else. Can't even get decent food - right after I got here, I ordered some spaghetti with marinara sauce, and I got egg noodles and ketchup. I'm an average nobody...get to live the rest of my life like a schnook.
** Who: Henry Hill
** Source: ''[[Goodfellas]]'' (1990)

* Bye, Willy. Thanks.
** Who: Mikey
** Source: ''[[The Goonies]]'' (1985)

* A womp bam boom!
** Who: Everyone
** Source: ''[[Grease (film)|Grease]]'' (1978)

* The certainest. Yeah, I like that. I'd love to kiss you again.
** Who: Michael Carrington
** Source: ''[[Grease 2]]'' (1982)

* It's beautiful! Let's live it here. ''[they kiss]'' We'll rent to start.
** Who: Phil Connors
** Source: ''[[Groundhog Day (film)|Groundhog Day]]'' (1993)

* Of course you can... My fair princess.
** Who: Lemuel Gulliver
** Source: ''[[Gulliver's Travels (2010 film)|Gulliver's Travels]]'' (2010)

* Not anymore.
** Who: Dr. Linda McKay
** Source: ''[[Hollow Man]]'' (2000)

* Oh, no. To live... to live would be an awfully big adventure.
** Who: Peter Banning
** Source: ''[[Hook (film)|Hook]] (1991)

* Bad kitty! Use the litter box!
** Who: Jonathan Barnavelt
** Source: ''[[The House with a Clock in Its Walls]]'' (2018)

* In our new home.
** Who: Old Murph
** Source: ''[[Interstellar]]'' (2014)

* See you, mom. Yeah, let's go. See you out of here. We made it.
** Who: Jack Powell
** Source: ''[[Jack (1996 film)|Jack]]'' (1996)

* This is high school, Detective Cruz. What is a friend, anyway?
** Who: Fern Mayo / Vylette
** Source: ''[[Jawbreaker]]'' (1999)

* That's my dad! That's my dad!
** Who: Jamie Langston
* (post-credits:) What did you get ''me''?
** Who: Liz Langston
** Source: ''[[Jingle All the Way]]'' (1996)

* That's all, blokes!
** Who: Kangaroo Jack
** Source: ''[[Kangaroo Jack]]'' (2003)

* Thanks a lot! ''[whoops]'' Hey! Hey, Mr. Miyagi! We did it, we did it! All right! ''[whoops victoriously]''
** Who: Daniel LaRusso
** Source: ''[[The Karate Kid]]'' (1984)

* Wrong.
** Who: Daniel LaRusso
** Source: ''[[The Karate Kid Part II]]'' (1986)

* We did it! We did it!
** Who: Daniel LaRusso
** Source: ''[[The Karate Kid Part III]]'' (1989)

* Oh no, It wasn't the planes. It was beauty killed the beast.
** Who: Carl Denham
** Source: ''[[King Kong (1933 film)|King Kong]]'' (1933)

* It wasn't the planes. It was beauty killed the beast.
** Who: Carl Denham
** Source: ''[[King Kong (2005 film)|King Kong]]'' (2005)

* I do, father.
** Who: Azula
** Source: ''[[The Last Airbender]]'' (2010)

* RICHIE...!!!
** Who: Bob Valenzuela
** Source: ''[[La Bamba (film)|La Bamba]]'' (1987)

* Passing the torch is a right of passage that can take many forms. But perhaps the least known and most surprising is the passing of a spyglass. Dear reader, there are people in the world who know no misery and woe. And they take comfort in cheerful films about twittering birds and giggling elves. There are people who know that there's always a mystery to be solved. And they take comfort in researching and writing down and important evidence. But this story is not about such people. This story is about the Baudelaires. And they are the sort of people who know that there's always something. Something to invent, something to read, something to bite, and something to do, to make a sanctuary, no matter how small. And for this reason, I am happy to say, the Baudelaires were very fortunate indeed.
** Who: Lemony Snicket
** Source: ''[[Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events]]'' (2004)

* Nothing can stop the Claw!
** Who: Fletcher Reede
* (in-credits:) Oh no. They're on to me!
** Who: Fletcher Reede
** Source: ''[[Liar Liar]]'' (1997)

* Hey! How's it going?
** Who: Nadine
** Source: ''The Edge of Seventeen'' (2016)

* Science!
** Who: Lisa Loud 
** Source: ''[[A Loud House Christmas]]'' (2021)

* Goodbye, Mary Poppins. Don't stay away too long.
** Who: Bert
** Source: ''[[Mary Poppins (film)|Mary Poppins]]'' (1964)

* Call me Ishmael. Some years ago, never mind how long, precisely having...
** Who: Matilda Wormwood
** Source: ''[[Matilda (film)|Matilda]]'' (1996)

* Play &quot;The Garden of Love&quot;.
** Who: Heidi the Hippo
** Source: ''[[Meet the Feebles]]'' (1989)

* Now, where was I?
** Who: Leonard Shelby
** Source: ''[[Memento]]'' (2000)

* Here you go. Knock yourself out. Oh. No good, huh? Otis, more curry. OK. Try this one. Huh? It's mozzarella and herring. You can taste the herring, right? I've got an idea for a caviar-brie swirl and peanut butter and jelly for kids. But I really want to talk about marketing. You should be our spokesperson. I know some people who've used a mouse as a spokesperson. You see, I want to turn this into the string cheese factory of tomorrow...
** Who: Ernie Smuntz
** Source: ''[[MouseHunt (film)|MouseHunt]]'' (1997)

* Damn, these things are fast! I'm okay! I'm okay!
** Who: Crazy Eyes
** Source: ''[[Mr. Deeds]]'' (2002)

* Dear Mrs. Doubtfire, two months ago, my mom and dad decided to separate. Now they live in different houses. My brother Andrew says that we aren't to be a family anymore. Is this true? Did I lose my family? Is there anything I can do to get my parents back together? Sincerely, Katie McCormick.&quot; Oh, my dear Katie. You know, some parents, when they're angry, they get along much better when they don't live together. They don't fight all the time, and they can become better people, and much better mummies and daddies for you. And sometimes they get back together. And sometimes they don't, dear. And if they don't, don't blame yourself. Just because they don't love each other anymore, doesn't mean that they don't love you. There are all sorts of different families, Katie. Some families have one mommy, some families have one daddy, or two families. And some children live with their uncle or aunt. Some live with their grandparents, and some children live with foster parents. And some live in separate homes, in separate neighborhoods, in different areas of the country - and they may not see each other for days, or weeks, months... even years at a time. But if there's love, dear... those are the ties that bind, and you'll have a family in your heart, forever. All my love to you, poppet, you're going to be all right... bye-bye.
** Who: Mrs. Doubtfire
** Source: ''[[Mrs. Doubtfire]]'' (1993)

* And I get to tend the rabbits...
** Who: Lennie Small
** Source: ''[[Of Mice and Men]]'' (1992)

* Roger, darling. I've got the most wonderful news.
** Who: Anita Dearly
** Source: ''[[101 Dalmatians (1996 film)|101 Dalmatians remake]]'' (1996)

* It's the only kind he knows.
** Who: Misha
** Source: ''[[Paulie]]'' (1998)

* I don't have to see it, Dottie. I ''lived'' it.
** Who: Pee-Wee Herman
** Source: ''[[Pee-wee's Big Adventure]]'' (1985)

* And remember, you're supposed to be invisible!
** Who: Pete
** Source: ''[[Pete's Dragon (1977 film)|Pete's Dragon]]'' (1977)

* The body of Mrs. Arthur Appleyard, Principal of Appleyard College, was found at the base of Hanging Rock on Friday 27 March 1900. Although the exact circumstances of her death are not known, it is believed she fell while attempting to climb the rock. The search for the missing school girls and their governess continued spasmodically for the next few years without success. To this day their disappearance remains a mystery.
** Who: Narrator
** Source: ''[[Picnic at Hanging Rock (film)|Picnic at Hanging Rock]]'' (1975)

* Hey, kids. Daddy's home.
** Who: Ludlow Lamonsoff
** Source: ''[[Pixels (2015 film)|Pixels]]'' (2015)

* You don't really want to work it out. You want to be fooled.
** Who: John Cutter
** Source: [[The Prestige]] (2006)

* MIKE!!!
** Who: Heather Donahue
** Source: [[The Blair Witch Project]] (1999)

* Walking towards that stage, I felt like I was floating. My heart was beating so fast. I didn't really understand why I was getting a medal. It's not like blew up the Death Star. All I did was get through fifth grade, just like everyone else here.
* Congrats. Here, here you go...that's for you.
* Then again, maybe that’s kind of the point. Maybe the truth is, I’m really not so ordinary. Maybe if we knew what other people were thinking we’d know that no one’s ordinary, and we all deserve a standing ovation at least once in our lives. My friends do. My teachers do. My sister does for always being there for me. My dad does for always making us laugh. And my mom does the most, for never giving up, on anything. Especially, me. It’s like that last precept Mr. Browne gave us. Be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle. And if you really want to see what people are, all you have to do is look.
** Who: August Pullman and Mr. Tushman
** Source: ''Wonder'' (2017)

* It's sad, when a mother has to speak the words that condemn her own son. But I couldn't allow them to believe that I would commit murder. They'll put him away now, as I should have years ago. He was always bad, and in the end he intended to tell them I killed those girls and that man... as if I could do anything but just sit and stare, like one of his stuffed birds. They know I can't move a finger, and I won't. I'll just sit here and be quiet, just in case they do... suspect me. They're probably watching me. Well, let them. Let them see what kind of a person I am. I'm not even going to swat that fly. I hope they are watching... they'll see. They'll see and they'll know, and they'll say, &quot;Why, she wouldn't even harm a fly...&quot;
** Who: Norma Bates
** Source: ''[[Psycho]]'' (1960)

*He has friends.
** Who: Regina Rich
** Source: ''[[Richie Rich (film)|Richie Rich]]'' (1994)

* FREEZE! Drop the fucking gun, buddy. Put the gun down! Don't do it! Drop the gun man! Don't do it! Drop the fucking gun. We're gonna fucking blow you away!
** Who: Police officers
** Source: ''[[Reservoir Dogs]]'' (1992)

* What was that?
** Who: Malcolm Reynolds
** Source: ''[[Serenity (film)|Serenity]]'' (2005)

* Hell of a day.
** Who: Fin Shepard
** Source: ''[[Sharknado]]'' (2013)

* I love New York.
** Who: Fin Shepard
** Source: ''[[Sharknado 2: The Second One]]'' (2014)

* So in the end, my girlfriend became my arch enemy, my arch enemy became my best friend, and my best friend became my girlfriend. But, hey, that's high school.
** Who: Will Stronghold
** Source: ''[[Sky High (2005 film)|Sky High]]'' (2005)

* I hope we don't hit an iceberg.
** Who: Slamfist
** Source: ''[[Small Soldiers]]'' (1998)

* Oh no, you don't. No second best animal friends allowed in my room. Wait, what are you doing? Stay away from me. Stop it. I'm warning you, I've got nunchucks. Hey, stop. Okay, you can stay.
** Who: Sonic the Hedgehog
* (pre-credits:) My grasp on sanity remains absolute. Isn't that right, Agent Stone? Why don't you get a head start. Do some Rockconnaissance. Rockconnaissance. Come on, that's hilarious. What's the matter with you?! Here's the sitch. Uninhabited planet. No resources. No supplies. No apparent way home. A lesser man would die here. I'll be home by Christmas. Rockconnaissance! [cackles maniacally] Come on, cheer up!
** Who: Dr. Robotnik / Dr. Eggman
* (mid-credits:) If these readings are accurate, he's here. I found him! I just hope I'm not too late.
** Who: Miles &quot;Tails&quot; Prower
** Source: ''[[Sonic the Hedgehog (film)|Sonic the Hedgehog]]'' (2020)

* Can't forget this.
** Who: Sonic the Hedgehog 
* (mid-credits:) My god... Project Shadow.
** Who: G.U.N. Commander Walters
** Source: ''[[Sonic the Hedgehog 2 (film)|Sonic the Hedgehog 2]]'' (2022)

* All right, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up.
** Who: Norma Desmond
** Source: ''[[Sunset Boulevard]]'' (1950)

* I believe.
** Who: Mario
* (post-credits:) The Super Koopa Cousins!
** Who: Spike and Iggy Koopa
** Source: ''[[Super Mario Bros. (film)|Super Mario Bros.]]'' (1993)

* You were marvelous...and I never want to see any of you again. I might as well...they're the last roses I'll ever see. Vous!
** Who: Carroll &quot;Toddy&quot; Todd
** Source: ''[[Victor / Victoria]]'' (1982)

* Well, [sniffles] good-bye, Virgin Alarm.
** Who: Dot Matrix
** Source: ''[[Spaceballs]]'' (1987)

*DANNY!
** Who: Jack Torrance
** Source: ''[[The Shining (film)|The Shining]]'' (1980)

* Hey! Thanks, Dad! Ohh! Son of a...! That's gonna leave a mark.
** Who: Thomas &quot;Tommy&quot; Callahan III
** Source: ''[[Tommy Boy]]'' (1995)

* You know what? I think we've seen enough. [kisses Bill]
** Who: Jo Harding
** Source: ''[[Twister]]'' (1996)

* And so we've come to the happy end of our story. But it's time for all of us to go home... just like Thomas.
** Who: Mr. Conductor
** Source: ''[[Thomas and the Magic Railroad]]'' (2000)

* After that my guess is that you will never hear from him again. The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he did not exist. And like that... he's gone.
** Who: Roger &quot;Verbal&quot; Kint, AKA Keyser Söze
** Source: ''[[The Usual Suspects]]'' (1995)

* Don't go. I'll eat you up, I love you so.
** Who: K.W.
** Source: ''[[Where the Wild Things Are|Where The Wild Things Are]]'' (2009)

* Okay, m-m-m-m-m-move along. Th-th-there's nothing else to see. Th-that's all, folks! Hmm. I like the sound of that. Th-th-th-th-that's all, folks!
** Who: [[w:Porky Pig|Porky Pig]]
** Source: ''[[Who Framed Roger Rabbit]]'' (1988)

* He lived happily ever after.
** Who: Willy Wonka
** Source: ''[[Willy Wonka &amp; the Chocolate Factory]]'' (1971)

* Oh, Auntie Em, there's no place like home.
** Who: Dorothy Gale
** Source: ''[[The Wizard of Oz (1939 film)|The Wizard of Oz]]'' (1939)

* Okay. You can go.
** Who: VJ Emmie
** Source: ''[[w:Who Killed Captain Alex?|Who Killed Captain Alex?]]'' (2010, 2015 re-release)

* You still got your Izod?
** Who: Griffin Keyes
** Source: ''[[Zookeeper (film)|Zookeeper]]'' (2011)

=== ''Alien'' film series ===

* Final report of the commercial starship Nostromo, third officer reporting. The other members of the crew - Kane, Lambert, Parker, Brett, Ash, and Captain Dallas - are dead. Cargo and ship destroyed. I should reach the frontier in about six weeks. With a little luck, the network will pick me up. This is Ripley, last survivor of the Nostromo, signing off. [to Jonesy] Come on, cat.
** Who: Ellen Ripley
** Source: ''[[Alien (film)|Alien]]'' (1979)

* I-ffirmative.
** Who: Rebecca &quot;Newt&quot; Jorden
** Source: ''[[Aliens (film)|Aliens]]'' (1986)

* Ash, Captain Dallas are dead. Cargo and ship destroyed. I should reach the frontier in about six weeks. With a little luck, the network will pick me up. This is Ripley, last survivor of the Nostromo, signing off.
** Who: Ellen Ripley
** Source: ''[[Alien 3|Alien 3]]'' (1992)

* I don't know. I'm a stranger here myself.
** Who: Ellen Ripley
** Source: ''[[Alien: Resurrection]]'' (1997)

* Final report of the vessel Prometheus. The ship and her entire crew are gone. If you're receiving this transmission, make no attempt to come to its point of origin. There is only death here now, and I'm leaving it behind. It is New Year's Day, the year of our Lord, 2094. My name is Elisabeth Shaw, last survivor of the Prometheus. And I am still searching.
** Who: Elizabeth Shaw
** Source: ''[[Prometheus (2012 film)|Prometheus]]'' (2012)

* This is colony ship Covenant, reporting. All crew members apart from Daniels and Tennessee tragically perished in a solar flare incident. All colonists in hypersleep remain intact and undisturbed. On course for Origae-6. Hopefully this transmission will reach the network, and be relayed in 1.36 years. This is Walter, signing off. Security code, 31564-F.
** Who: Walter One
** Source: ''Alien: Covenant'' (2017)

=== ''[[w:Spider-Man_in_film#Marc_Webb_films|The Amazing Spider-Man]]'' film series ===

* You should leave him alone!
** Who: Dr. Curt Connors
** Source: ''[[The Amazing Spider-Man (2012 film)|The Amazing Spider-Man]]'' (2012)

* There's no place like home.
** Who: Spider-Man
** Source: ''[[The Amazing Spider-Man 2]]'' (2014)

=== ''[[w:Alvin and the Chipmunks (film series)|Alvin and the Chipmunks]]'' film series ===

* OKAY!!!
** Who: Alvin
* (post-credits:) Okay, guys. Come on. Let's try it again. Here we go and sing. Come on. Sing for your Uncle Ian. Come on, sing. Why won't you sing? I said sing. Sing.
** Who: Ian Hawke
** Source: ''[[Alvin and the Chipmunks (film)|Alvin and the Chipmunks]]'' (2007)

* Okay! this one's for Dave.
** Who: Alvin Seville
* (mid-credits:) ALVIIIIIIIIIINNN!!!!
** Who: Dave Seville
* (mid-credits 2:) Good start, gentlemen. Only 10 more rows of bleachers to go. Let's do it.
** Who: Dr. Rubin
* (post-credits:) All right, guys. All right. All right. All right, I'm out. I'm out. Is this necessary? Come on. Is that necessary? Is that... At least let me go back and get my purse.
** Who: Ian Hawke
** Source: ''[[Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel]]'' (2009)

* Thank you!
** Who: Alvin Seville 
* (mid-credits:) AAAALLLLVVVVIIIINNNN!!!!!!
** Who: Dave Seville
** Source: ''[[Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked]]'' (2011)

* AAAALLLLVIIIIIIIINNNNN!!!!
** Who: Dave Seville
* (mid-credits:) Oh, come on! Come on. What are you gonna do, carry me out? Really? Okay, you are gonna carry me out. Okay! Okay, this is fine! I've been looking to relax all day! I'm like Cleopatra! Floating away! I'm gonna chillax!
** Who: Agent James Suggs
** Source: ''[[Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip]]'' (2015)

=== ''Austin Powers'' film series ===

* I'm gonna get you Austin Powers! It's frickin' freezing in here, Mr. Bigglesworth.
** Who: Dr. Evil
* (mid-credits:) What say, you, we go out on the town and swing, baby? Yeah!
** Who: Austin Powers
** Source: ''[[Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery]]'' (1997)

* Just a little prick. It's a flu shot. You've been in the coldness of space, I don't want you to get sick. It's one thing to attack me, it's quite another to attack my Mini-Me. I'm gonna get you Austin Powers, I'm gonna get you. [laughs evilly]
** Who: Dr. Evil
* (mid-credits:) Paging Dr. Freud.
** Who: Past Austin Powers
* (post-credits:) Hello, out there! Is the movie over? I'm still down here, and I'm still in quite a lot of pain. Maybe someone in the lobby could call an ambulance. Oh! The pain is really quite severe. I fashioned a makeshift splint. Here goes nothing! [screams and falls to the ground]
** Who: Mustafa
** Source: ''[[Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me]]'' (1999)

* I'm gonna get you, Austin Powers! [laughs evilly and dances like Michael Jackson]
** Who: Dr. Scott Evil
* (mid-credits:) Ladies and gentleman, Mr. Burt Bacharach
** Who: Austin Powers (echo)
** Source: ''[[Austin Powers in Goldmember]]'' (2002)

=== ''[[w:Babe (film)|Babe]]'' film series ===

* That'll do, Pig. That'll do.
** Who: Farmer Arthur H. &quot;The Boss&quot; Hoggett
** Source: ''[[Babe (film)|Babe]]'' (1995)

* That'll do, Pig. That'll do.
** Who: Farmer Arthur H. &quot;The Boss&quot; Hoggett
* (post-credits:) Thank you for staying until the end. Bye-bye.
** Who: Mouse
** Source: ''[[Babe: Pig in the City]]'' (1998)

=== ''[[Batman]]'' films ===

* Our job is finished.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[Batman (1966 film)|Batman: The Movie]]'' (1966)

* I'm not a bit surprised.
** Who: Vicki Vale
** Source: ''[[Batman (1989 film)|Batman]]'' (1989)

* Merry Christmas, Alfred. Good will toward men and women.
** Who: Bruce Wayne
** Source: ''[[Batman Returns]]'' (1992)

* Don't work too late.
** Who: Chase Meridian
** Source: ''[[Batman Forever]]'' (1995)

* We're going to need a bigger cave.
** Who: Alfred Pennyworth
** Source: ''[[Batman and Robin (1997 film)|Batman &amp; Robin]]'' (1997)

* And you'll never have to.
** Who: Batman
** Source: ''[[Batman Begins]]'' (2005)

* Because he's the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we'll hunt him. Because he can take it. Because he's not our hero. He's a silent guardian. A watchful protector. A Dark Knight.
** Who: Commissioner James Gordon
** Source: ''[[The Dark Knight]]'' (2008)

* Si, Fernet Branca, per cortesia.
** Who: Alfred Pennyworth
** Source: ''[[The Dark Knight Rises]]'' (2012)

=== ''[[Back to the Future]]'' trilogy ===

* Roads? Where we're going, we don't need roads.
** Who: Doc Brown
** Source: ''[[Back to the Future]]'' (1985)

* Doc! Doc? Doc? Oh, fantastic.
** Who: Marty McFly
** Source: ''[[Back to the Future Part II]]'' (1989)

* Nope. Already been there.
** Who: Doc Brown
** Source: ''[[Back to the Future Part III]]'' (1990)

=== ''Bill &amp; Ted'' film series ===

* They do get better.
** Who: Rufus
** Source: ''[[Bill &amp; Ted's Excellent Adventure]]'' (1989)

* Very good, very good.
** Who: British husband
** Source: ''[[Bill &amp; Ted's Bogus Journey]]'' (1991)

* And so, it wasn't so much the song that made a difference. It was everyone playing together...and it worked.
** Who: Wilhelmina &quot;Billie&quot; Logan
* (post-credits): Nurse!
** Who: Elder Ted &quot;Theodore&quot; Logan
** Source: ''[[Bill &amp; Ted: Face The Music]]'' (2020)

=== DC Extended Universe ===

* Of all the Lanterns who have ever worn the ring, there was one whose light shined brightest. At first his humanity was thought to be a weakness, and yet it proved to be his greatest strength.
** Who: Tomar-Re
** Source: ''[[Green Lantern (film)|Green Lantern]]'' (2011)

* Glad to be here, Lois.
** Who: Clark Kent
** Source: ''[[Man of Steel (film)|Man of Steel]]'' (2013)

* Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, the bells are ringing. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
** Who: Lex Luthor, Jr.
** Source: ''[[Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice]]'' (2016)

* You should shut it down, or my friends and I will do it for you.
** Who: Bruce Wayne
** Source: ''[[Suicide Squad (film)|Suicide Squad]]'' (2016)

* I used to want to save the world. To end war and bring peace to mankind; but then I glimpsed the darkness that lives within their light. I learnt that inside every one of them there will always be both. The choice each must make for themselves — something no hero will ever defeat. And now I know... that only love can truly save the world. So now I stay, I fight, and I give — for the world I know can be. This is my mission now. Forever.
** Who: Wonder Woman
** Source: ''[[Wonder Woman (2017 film)|Wonder Woman]]'' (2017)

* No, I have too much to live for and more important things to do. We have to level the playing field, Mr. Wilson. To put it plainly, shouldn't we have a league of our own?
** Who: Lex Luthor, Jr.
** Source: ''[[Justice League (film)|Justice League]]'' (2017)

* Sure. But first, you gotta tell me how to find him.
** Who: David Kane / Black Manta
** Source: ''[[Aquaman (film)|Aquaman]]'' (2018)

* Uh... well, that's not THAT cool.
** Who: Billy Batson / Shazam
** Source: ''[[Shazam! (film)|Shazam!]]'' (2019)

* Are you dummies still sitting there? Fine! Since you stuck it out this long, I'll tell you a super-duper secret secret, which you can't tell anyone! Okay. Did you know that Batman f...
** Who: Harleen Quinzel / Harley Quinn
** Source: ''[[Birds of Prey (and the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn)]]'' (2020)

* Just to save the fucking world, that’s all.
** Who: Emilia Harcourt
** Source: ''[[The Suicide Squad (film)|The Suicide Squad]]'' (2021)

=== ''Dennis the Menace'' film series ===

* Oh, I'm gonna get that little kid!
** Who: Andrea
** Source: ''Dennis the Menace'' (1993)

* He's a menace!
** Who: George Wilson
** Source: ''Dennis the Menace: Strikes Again'' (1998)

* Dennis!
** Who: George Wilson
** Source: ''A Dennis the Menace Christmas'' (2007)

=== Disney Channel Original Movies ===

* Let's kick it!
** Who: Dee La Duke
* (extended ending:) And...go.
** Who: Mitchie Torres
** Source: ''[[Camp Rock]]'' (2008)

* I'm sure we can work something out.
** Who: Brown Cesario
** Source: ''[[Camp Rock 2: The Final Jam]]'' (2010)

* Santa?
** Who: Rowena Clyborn
** Source: ''Christmas...Again?!'' (2021)

* Oh... (laughs) I was having so much fun, I almost forgot. You didn't think this was the end of the story, did you?
** Who: Mal
** Source: ''[[Descendants (2015 film)|Descentants]]'' (2015)

* What? You didn't think this was the end of the story, did you?
** Who: Uma
** Source: ''[[Descendants 2]]'' (2017)

* Hey, last one over the bridge...
* ...Is a ROTTEN APPLE!!!
** Who 1: Carlos
** Who 2: The VKs
** Source: ''[[Descendants 3]]'' (2019)

* Yeah! Whoo! That's what I'm talkin' about! Whoo!
** Who: Troy Bolten
* (post-credits:) I might even make you a creme brulee.
** Who: Zeke Baylor
** Source: ''[[High School Musical]]'' (2006)

* No. Here's to right now.
** Who: Troy Bolten
** Source: ''[[High School Musical 2]]'' (2007)

* ''[singing]'' All together makes it better! Memories that last forever! I want the rest of my life to feel just like a...High School Musical!
** Who: Troy Bolten, Gabrielle Montez, Ryan Evans, Sharpay Evans, Chad Danforth, and Taylor McKessie
** Source: ''[[High School Musical 3: Senior Year]]'' (2008)

* So, things went back to normal. Or, at least as normal as the life of a high school crime fighter can be. It took some time and a mega amount of coding, but we stabilized Athena, flushed out Drakken's evil programming, and saved the good in her. Together, we formed a martial arts club, and now everyone at Middleton High wants to join. Well, almost everyone. And as for me, learning to be a better friend... Made me a better hero.
** Who: Kim Possible
* (in-credits:) Okay. My new evil master plan to take down Kim Possible will be my tightest yet!
** Who: Young Dr. Drakken
** Source: ''Kim Possible'' (2019)

* I just hope our new guitar player can keep up.
** Who: Olivia White
** Source: ''[[Lemonade Mouth (film)|Lemonade Mouth]]'' (2011)

* Sing!
** Who: Brady
** Source: ''[[w:Teen Beach Movie|Teen Beach Movie]]'' (2013)

* I'm Mack.
** Who: McKenzie / Mack
** Souce: ''[[w:Teen Beach 2|Teen Beach 2]]'' (2015)

* Pretty soon, everyone forgot about the Sage way. That's the old way. The new way is to let kids be themselves. After all, everybody has their something. And letting everybody be the most of their something they can be? That's the ''real'' magic.
** Who: Nori Boxwood-Horace
** Source: ''Upside-Down Magic'' (2020)

* Zander, this is Puppy.
** Who: Zoey
** Source: ''[[Zombies (2018 film)|Zombies]]'' (2018)

* Weird...
** Who: Addison Wells
** Source: ''[[Zombies 2|Zombies 2]]'' (2020)

=== ''Ghostbusters'' series ===

* I love this town! Ha ha!
** Who: Winston Zeddmore
* (in-credits:) I wanna go with them, in their car.
** Who: Louis Tully
** Source: ''[[Ghostbusters]]'' (1984)

* No, I believe it's one of the Fettuccinis.
** Who: Peter Venkman
* (in-credits:) Ghostbusters! Ghostbusters! Ghostbusters!
** Who: Everyone
** Source: ''[[Ghostbusters II]]'' (1989)

=== ''Goosebumps'' film series ===

* You forgot about me.
** Who: Invisible Boy
** Source: ''[[Goosebumps (film)|Goosebumps]]'' (2015)

* You try living in a book for a while, Papa.
** Who: Slappy the Dummy
* (in-credits:) Hiya! Look at my candle.
** Who: Pumpkin
* (post-credits:) Slappy Halloween. [cackles]
** Who: Slappy the Dummy
** Source: ''[[Goosebumps 2: Haunted Halloween]]'' (2018)

=== ''Hannibal Lecter'' series ===

* Dr. Lecter? Dr. Lecter? Dr. Lecter? Dr. Lecter?
** Who: Clarice Starling
** Source: ''[[The Silence of the Lambs]]'' (1991)

=== ''[[Harry Potter]]'' series ===

* I'm not going home. Not really.
** Who: Harry Potter
** Source: ''[[Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone (film)|Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone]]'' (2001)

* Proud? They'll be furious!
** Who: Harry Potter
** Source: ''[[Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (film)|Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets]]'' (2002)

* This came with it.
** Who 1: Hermione Granger
* How fast does it go, Harry?
** Who 2: Random Gryffindor Student
* Mischief managed. Nox.
** Who 3: Harry Potter
** Source: ''[[Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (film)|Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban]]'' (2004)

* Yeah. Every week.
** Who: Harry Potter
** Source: ''[[Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (film)|Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire]]'' (2005)

* Something worth fighting for.
** Who: Harry Potter
** Source: ''[[Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (film)|Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix]]'' (2007)

* I never realized how beautiful this place was.
** Who: Harry Potter
** Source: ''[[Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (film)|Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince]]'' (2009)

* I want to bury him. Properly, without magic.
** Who: Harry Potter
** Source: ''[[Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 1]]'' (2010)

* Ready.
** Who: Albus Severus Potter
* Bye!
** Who: Random Hogwarts Student on the train
** Source: ''[[Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 2]]'' (2011)

* So yeah. It was...very...it was a very good ten years.
** Who: Daniel Radcliffe
* After all this time?
* Always.
** Who: Severus Snape and Albus Dumbledore (Archival footage)
** Source: ''Harry Potter 20th Anniversary: Harry Potter and the Return To Hogwarts'' (2022)

=== ''[[Home Alone]]'' series ===

* Kevin! What did you do to my room?!
** Who: Buzz McCallister
** Source: ''[[Home Alone]]'' (1990)

* KEVIN! YOU SPENT $967 ON ROOM SERVICE?!!
** Who: Peter McCallister
** Source: ''[[Home Alone 2: Lost in New York]]'' (1992)

=== ''Independence Day'' films ===

* Yeah.
** Who: Dylan Dubrow-Hiller
** Source: ''[[Independence Day (1996 film)|Independence Day]]'' (1996)

* We are gonna kick some serious alien ass.
** Who: Dr. Brakish Okun
** Source: ''[[Independence Day: Resurgence]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[Indiana Jones]]'' series ===

* Well, I know what I've got here. Come on. I'll buy you a drink. You know, a drink?
** Who: Marion Ravenwood
** Source: ''[[Raiders of the Lost Ark]]'' (1981)

* Uh-oh!
** Who: Short Round
** Source: ''[[Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom]]'' (1984)

* Yes, sir.
** Who: Indiana Jones
** Source: ''[[Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade]]'' (1989)

* Thanks, Ox.
** Who: Indiana Jones and Mutt Williams
** Source: ''[[Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull]]'' (2008)

=== ''Inspector Gadget'' films ===

* A happy ending. What could be better than true love? Ooh, cute little bug. Wait up, fraulein. Did you know I speak German? Fahrvergnugen, baby.
** Who: Gadgetmobile
* (mid-credits:) All these fine people made me look good.
** Who: Gadgetmobile
* (post-credits:) Good night, Riverton!
** Who: Gadgetmobile
** Source: ''[[Inspector Gadget (film)|Inspector Gadget]]'' (1999)

* GADGET!!
** Who: Chief Quimby and Mayor Wilson
** Source: ''[[Inspector Gadget 2]]'' (2003)

=== ''[[James Bond]]'' films ===

* Throw us your line.
** Who: Felix Leiter
** Source: ''[[Dr. No]]'' (1962)

* I'll show you.
** Who: James Bond
** Source: ''[[From Russia With Love]]'' (1963)

* Oh, no, you don't. This is not time to be rescued.
** Who: James Bond
** Source: ''[[Goldfinger]]'' (1964)

* Get down!
** Who: James Bond
** Source: ''[[Thunderball]]'' (1965)

* It will be a pleasure sir.
** Who: Miss Moneypenny
** Source: ''[[You Only Live Twice]]'' (1967)

* Four, three, two.
** Who: Jimmy Bond
** Source: ''Casino Royale'' (1967)

* It's no hurry, really. All the time in the world.
** Who: James Bond
** Source: ''[[On Her Majesty's Secret Service]]'' (1969)

* James, how do we get those diamonds down again?
** Who: Tiffany Case
** Source: ''[[Diamonds Are Forever]]'' (1971)

* Just being disarming, darling.
** Who: James Bond
** Source: ''[[Live and Let Die]]'' (1973)

* Goodnight, sir.
** Who: James Bond
** Source: ''[[The Man with the Golden Gun]]'' (1974)

* Keeping the British end up, sir.
** Who: James Bond
** Source: ''[[The Spy Who Loved Me]]'' (1977)

* Why not?
** Who: James Bond
** Source: ''[[Moonraker]]'' (1979)

* Bond, Bond, Bond!
** Who: Sir Frederick Gray
** Source: ''[[For Your Eyes Only]]'' (1981)

* James.
** Who: Octopussy
** Source: ''[[Octopussy]]'' (1983)

* Never?
** Who: Domino Petachi
** Source: ''[[Never Say Never Again]]'' (1983)

* Oh, James.
** Who: Stacey Stutton
** Source: ''[[A View to a Kill]]'' (1985)

* Oh, James.
** Who: Kara Milovy
** Source: ''[[The Living Daylights]]'' (1987)

* So, why don't you ask me.
** Who: James Bond
** Source: ''[[Licence to Kill]]'' (1989)

* Darling, what could possibly go wrong, okay?
** Who: James Bond
** Source: ''[[GoldenEye]]'' (1995)

* Let's stay undercover.
** Who: James Bond
** Source: ''[[Tomorrow Never Dies]]'' (1997)

* I thought Christmas only comes once a year.
** Who: James Bond
** Source: ''[[The World Is Not Enough]]'' (1999)

* Especially, when your bad.
** Who: James Bond
** Source: ''[[Die Another Day]]'' (2002)

* The names Bond. James Bond.
** Who: James Bond
** Source: ''[[Casino Royale (2006 film)|Casino Royale]]'' (2006)

* I never left.
** Who: James Bond
** Source: ''[[Quantum of Solace]]'' (2008)

* With pleasure, M. With pleasure.
** Who: James Bond
** Source: ''[[Skyfall]]'' (2012)

* There's just one thing I need.
** Who: James Bond
** Source: ''[[Spectre (2015 film)|Spectre]]'' (2015)

* I'm going to tell you a story...about a man. His name is Bond, James Bond.
** Who: Madeleine Swann
** Source: ''[[No Time To Die]]'' (2021)

=== ''Jaws'' series ===

* I can't imagine why.
** Who: Matt Hooper
** Source: ''[[Jaws (film)|Jaws]]'' (1975)

* Sure they did.
** Who: Brody
** Source: ''[[Jaws 2]]'' (1978)

* All right!
** Who: Mike
** Source: ''[[Jaws 3-D]]'' (1983)

* There they were, all hundred of them!
** Who: Hoagie
** Source: ''[[Jaws: The Revenge]]'' (1987)

=== ''Jumanji'' series ===

* What's that noise?
** Who: Emilie Reynaud
** Source: ''[[Jumanji]]'' (1995)

* Smoldering.
** Who: Anthony &quot;Fridge&quot; Johnson
** Source: ''[[Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle]]'' (2017)

* I don't know if we already agreed on that.
** Who: Anthony &quot;Fridge&quot; Johnson
** Source: ''[[Jumanji: The Next Level]]'' (2019)

=== ''[[Jurassic Park]]'' series ===

* Come on.
** Who: Dr. Alan Grant
** Source: ''[[Jurassic Park]]'' (1993)

* It is absolutely imperative that we work with the Costa Rican Department of Biological Preserves to establish a set of rules for the preservation and isolation of that island. These creatures require our absence to survive, not our help. And if we could only step aside and trust in nature, life will find a way.
** Who: John Hammond
** Source: ''[[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]]'' (1997)

* Let's go home.
** Who: Paul Kirby
** Source: ''[[Jurassic Park III]]'' (2001)

* Probably stick together, for survival.
** Who: Owen Grady
** Source: ''[[Jurassic World]]'' (2015)

* Welcome to Jurassic World.
** Who: Ian Malcolm
** Source: ''[[Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom]]'' (2018)

=== Marvel Cinematic Universe ===

* I'm here to talk to you about the Avenger Initiative.
** Who: Nick Fury
** Source: ''[[Iron Man (2008 film)|Iron Man]]'' (2008)

* Who's &quot;we&quot;?
** Who: General Thunderbolt Ross
** Source: ''[[The Incredible Hulk (film)|The Incredible Hulk]]'' (2008)

* Sir, we found it.
** Who: Agent Phil Coulson
** Source: ''[[Iron Man 2]]'' (2010)

* Well, I guess that's worth a look.
** Who: Loki, via Erik Selvig
** Source: ''[[Thor (film)|Thor]]'' (2011)

* Yeah. Yeah, I just... I had a date.
** Who: Steve Rogers
** Source: ''[[Captain America: The First Avenger]]'' (2011)
** Notes: Following post-credits scene depicts scenes from ''The Avengers'', and thus not truly end the film.

* To challenge them... is to court... death.
** Who: The Other
** Source: ''[[The Avengers (2012 film)|The Avengers]]'' (2012)

* I'm 14-years-old, and I still had a nanny. That was weird.
** Who: Tony Stark
** Source: ''[[Iron Man 3]]'' (2013)

* One down, five to go.
** Who: The Collector
** Source: ''[[Thor: The Dark World]]'' (2013)

* There is nothing more horrifying... than a miracle.
** Who: Baron Wolfgang von Strucker
** Source: ''[[Captain America: The Winter Soldier]]'' (2014)

* What do you let it lick you like that for? Gross. Yeah! But it burns going down.
** Who: Howard the Duck
** Source: ''[[Guardians of the Galaxy (film)|Guardians of the Galaxy]]'' (2014)

* Fine, I'll do it myself.
** Who: Thanos
** Source: ''[[Avengers: Age of Ultron]]'' (2015)

* It's about damn time.
** Who: Hope van Dyne
** Source: ''[[Ant-Man (film)|Ant-Man]]'' (2015)
** Notes: Following post-credits scene depicts scenes from ''Captain America: Civil War'', and thus not truly end the film.

* Hey, can you shut the door?
** Who: Peter Parker
** Source: ''[[Captain America: Civil War]]'' (2016)

* Because I see at long last what's wrong with the world. Too many sorcerers.
** Who: Karl Mordo
** Source: ''[[Doctor Strange (film)|Doctor Strange]]'' (2016)

* Hey, fellas! Hey, wait, where are you going? Hey, you were supposed to be my lift home! How will I get out of here? Hey! Oh, gee, I've got so many more stories to tell! Oh, guys! Oh, gee!
** Who: The Watcher Informant
** Source: ''[[Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2]]'' (2017)

* Hi, I'm Captain America. Here to talk to you about one of the most valuable traits a student or soldier can have. Patience. Sometimes, patience is the key to victory. Sometimes, it leads to very little, and it seems like it's not worth it, and you wonder why you waited so long for something so disappointing... How many more of these?
** Who: Steve Rogers / Captain America
** Source: ''[[Spider-Man: Homecoming]]'' (2017)
** Notes: Post-credit scene is a PSA recording of Captain America.

* I just, I gotta say. I'm proud of you all. This revolution has been a huge success. Yay us! Pat-pat on the back. Pat on the back. Come on. No? Me too. 'Cause I've been a big part of it. Can't have a revolution without somebody to overthrow! So, ah, you're welcome. And, uh, it's a tie.
** Who: The Grandmaster
** Source: ''[[Thor: Ragnarok]]'' (2017)

* Come, we have much to learn.
** Who: Shuri
** Source: ''[[Black Panther (film)|Black Panther]]'' (2018)

* Oh, no. Motherf...
** Who: Nick Fury
** Source: ''[[Avengers: Infinity War]]'' (2018)

* Hello? Ha-ha, very funny. Hank, quit screwing around. You told me yourself, not screw around. Hank? Hope? Janet? Guys... Guys? Be seriously, don't joke around! Bring me up, let's go! GUYS!
** Who: Scott Lang / Ant-Man
** Source: ''[[Ant-Man and the Wasp]]'' (2018)

* Where's Fury?
** Who: Captain Marvel
** Source: ''[[Captain Marvel (film)|Captain Marvel]]'' (2019)

* No. No, I don't think I will.
** Who: Steve Rogers
** Source: ''[[Avengers: Endgame]]'' (2019)

* Who's got my shoes?
** Who: Nick Fury
** Source: ''[[Spider-Man: Far From Home]]'' (2019)

* Oh yeah. You and me both. Believe me... you're gonna earn it. I've got your next target. Thought I'd hand-deliver it. Maybe you'd like a shot at the man responsible for your sister's death. Kind of a cutie, don't you think?
** Who: Valentina Allegra de Fontaine
** Source: ''[[Black Widow (2021 film)|Black Widow]]'' (2021)

* Let's get started. We have a lot of work to do.
** Who: Xialing
** Source: ''[[Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings (2021 film)|Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings]]'' (2021)

* Sure you’re ready for that, Mr. Whitman?
** Who: Mysterious Man
** Source: ''[[Eternals (film)|Eternals]]'' (2021)
** Note: The unseen man is identified off-screen as Eric Brooks / Blade.

* And there he goes. Without paying the bills, no tips, nothing.
** Who: Bartender
** Source: ''[[Spider-Man: No Way Home]]'' (2021)
** Notes: Following post-credits scene depicts scenes from ''Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness'', and thus not truly end the film.

* (laughs maniacally) It's over!
** Who: Pizza Poppa vendor (Bruce Campbell)
** Source: ''[[Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness]]'' (2022)

=== ''The Mask'' film series ===

* SSSMOKIN'!
** Who: Stanley Ipkiss
** Source: ''[[The Mask (film)|The Mask]]'' (1994)

* What do you think about that Double A? A little brother or sister? How does that sound?
** Who: Tim Avery
** Source: ''[[Son of the Mask]]'' (2005)

=== ''[[The Matrix (franchise)|The Matrix]]'' ===

* I know you're out there. I can feel you now. I know that you're afraid... you're afraid of us. You're afraid of change. I don't know the future. I didn't come here to tell you how this is going to end. I came here to tell you how it's going to begin. I'm going to hang up this phone, and then I'm going to show these people what you don't want them to see. I'm going to show them a world without you. A world without rules and controls, without borders or boundaries. A world where anything is possible. Where we go from there is a choice I leave to you.
** Who: Neo / Thomas A. Anderson
** Source: ''[[The Matrix (film)|The Matrix]]'' (1999)

* Only one.
** Who: Roland
** Source: ''[[The Matrix Reloaded]]'' (2003)

* Oh, no. No, I didn't. But I believed... I believed.
** Who: The Oracle
** Source: ''[[The Matrix Revolutions]]'' (2003)

* Another chance.
** Who: Trinity
** Source: ''[[The Matrix Resurrections]]'' (2021)

=== ''Middle-Earth'' film series ===

* I'm glad you're with me.
** Who: Frodo Baggins
** Source: ''[[The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring]]'' (2001)

* Follow me.
** Who: Gollum
** Source: ''[[The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers]]'' (2002)

* Well, I'm back.
** Who: Samwise Gamgee
** Source: ''[[The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King]]'' (2003)

* You're right. I do believe the worst is behind us.
** Who: Bilbo Baggins 
** Source: ''[[The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey]]'' (2012)

* What have we done?
** Who: Bilbo Baggins 
** Source: ''[[The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug]]'' (2013)

* Welcome, welcome...
** Who: Bilbo Baggins 
** Source: ''[[The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies]]'' (2014)

=== ''Men in Black'' film series ===

* Not much of a disguise.
** Who: Agent L
** Source: ''[[Men in Black (1997 film)|Men in Black]]'' (1997)

* Whoa.
** Who: Frank the Pug
** Source: ''[[Men in Black II]]'' (2002)

* That was a close one.
** Who: Griffin
** Source: ''[[Men in Black 3]]'' (2012)

* Yeah, got it. I'm gonna trust my gut.
** Who: Agent M
** Source: ''[[Men in Black: International]]'' (2019)

=== ''MonsterVerse'' ===

* Sweetie!
** Who: Elle Brody
** Source: ''[[Godzilla (2014 film)|Godzilla]]'' (2014)

* This world never belonged to us. It belonged to them. The question is, how long before they take it back. Kong is not the only king.
** Who: Houston Brooks
** Source: ''[[Kong: Skull Island]]'' (2017)

=== ''National Treasure'' ===

* You'll figure it out.
** Who: Abigail Chase
** Source: ''[[National Treasure (film)|National Treasure]]'' (2004)

* I love this car.
** Who: Riley Poole
** Source: ''[[National Treasure: Book of Secrets|National Treasure: Book of Secrets]]'' (2007)

=== ''Pirates of the Caribbean'' ===

* Drink up, me hearties, yo ho!
** who: Captain Jack Sparrow
** source: ''[[Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl]]'' (2003)

* So, tell me, what's become of my ship?
** who: Captain Hector Barbossa
** source: ''[[Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest]]'' (2006)

* Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate’s life for me. We pillage, we plunder, we rifle, we loot, drink up, me hearties, yo ho. We kidnap and ravage and don’t give a hoot, drink up, me hearties, yo ho. Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate’s life for me...
** who: Henry Turner
** source: ''[[Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End]]'' (2007)

* Savvy?
** Who: Captain Jack Sparrow
** source: ''[[Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides]]'' (2011)

* I have a rendezvous beyond my... Beloved horizon.
** Who: Captain Jack Sparrow
** Source: ''[[Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales]]'' (2017)

=== ''[[Planet of the Apes]]'' ===

* You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!
** Who: Captain George Taylor
** Source: ''[[Planet of the Apes (1968 film)|Planet of the Apes]]'' (1968)

* In one of the countless billions of galaxies in the universe, lies a medium-sized star, and one of its satellites, a green and insignificant planet, is now dead.
** Who: Ending Voiceover
** Source: ''[[Beneath the Planet of the Apes]]'' (1970)

* Mama? Mama? Mama?
** Who: Milo
** Source: ''[[Escape from the Planet of the Apes]]'' (1971)

* But now... now we will put away our hatred. Now we will put down our weapons. We have passed through the night of the fires, and those who were our masters are now our servants. And we, who are not human, can afford to be humane. Destiny is the will of God, and if it is man's destiny to be dominated, it is God's will that he be dominated with compassion, and understanding. So, cast out your vengeance. Tonight, we have seen the birth of the Planet of the Apes!
** Who: Caesar
** Source: ''[[Conquest of the Planet of the Apes]]'' (1972)

* Perhaps only the dead.
** Who: The Lawgiver
** Source: ''[[Battle for the Planet of the Apes]]'' (1973)

* Keep your hands up!
** Who: Police Ape 3
** Source: ''[[Planet of the Apes (2001 film)|Planet of the Apes]]'' (2001)

* Okay. Caesar is home. Go.
** Who: Will Rodman
** Source: ''[[Rise of the Planet of the Apes]]'' (2011)

* I did, too.
** Who: Caesar
** Source: ''[[Dawn of the Planet of the Apes]]'' (2014)

* Caesar.
** Who: Maurice
** Source: ''[[War for the Planet of the Apes]]'' (2017)

=== ''[[Power Rangers]]'' film series ===

* Wha-hoo, Yeah.
** Who: Fred Kelman
* (mid-credits:) Uh-oh!
** Who: Goldar and Mordant
** Source: ''[[Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie]]'' (1995)

* Yeah, Woo!
** Who: Tommy Oliver
* (mid-credits:) Shift into Turbo!
** Who: Tommy Oliver
** Source: ''[[Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie]]'' (1997)

* This Ranger team did what my team could not. You will humbly walk amongst your peers, but heroes you all will be. Each of your names will be etched alongside the great Ranger teams before you. I will always owe a debt of gratitude to you all.
** Who: Zordon
* (mid-credits:) It might've been my fault, It might've been my fault, I'm so sorry.
** Who: Billy Cranston
** Source: ''[[Power Rangers (2017 film)|Power Rangers]]'' (2017)

=== ''[[RoboCop]]'' ===

* Murphy.
** Who: RoboCop
** Source: ''[[RoboCop]]'' (1987)

* Patience, Lewis. We're only human.
** Who: RoboCop
** Source: ''[[RoboCop 2]]'' (1990)

* My friends call me Murphy. You can call me... RoboCop!
** Who: RoboCop
** Source: ''[[Robocop 3]]'' (1993)

=== ''Scooby-Doo'' live action movies ===

* Looking for clues and kicking butt.
** Who: Velma Dinkley
* (in-credits:) One, two, three!
** Who: Scooby-Doo and Shaggy Rogers
** Source: ''[[Scooby-Doo (film)|Scooby-Doo]]'' (2002)

* Scooby-Dooby-Doo!
** Who: Scooby-Doo
** Source: ''[[Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed]]'' (2004)

=== ''[[w:Sesame Street|Sesame Street]]'' ===

* That is 278 incredible, colossal credits! Ha-ha-ha-ha, I love motion pictures! Wonderful! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
** Who: [[w:Count von Count|Count von Count]]
** Source: ''[[Sesame Street Presents: Follow That Bird]]'' (1985)

* Bye-bye!
** Who: [[w:Ernie (Sesame Street)|Ernie]]
** Source: ''[[The Adventures of Elmo in Grouchland]]'' (1999)

=== ''The Santa Clause'' film series ===

* Santa!
** Who: Laura Miller
** Source: ''[[The Santa Clause]]'' (1994)

* They're all in a straight line, Chet. Chet! CHET!!
** Who: Scott Calvin / Santa Claus
** Source: ''[[The Santa Clause 2]]'' (2002)

* That's right. Say hello to Buddy Claus.
** Who: Scott Calvin / Santa Claus
** Source: ''[[The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause]]'' (2006)

=== ''[[w:The Smurfs in film|The Smurfs]]'' film series ===

* Smurfs. Smurfs! I wish I could quit you. Get out of here. What are you looking at?
** Who: [[w:Gargamel|Gargamel]]
** Source: ''[[The Smurfs (film)|The Smurfs]]'' (2011)
** Note: He was stuck in New York City powerless and while the Smurfs went back to Smurf Village with victory and no Gargamel to bother him.

* How dare you call me that? I have bungled nothing! Well, Paris is over, my friend. We're back here in the Dark Ages. I suggest you get used to it. Aw, you want room service? Why don't you yell out the window? Don't you show your claws to me unless you are prepared to use them, Mr Pussy Foot! Pussy foot! Pussy foot! Pussy foot! Stop it! Not the face! Not the face!
** Who: [[w:Gargamel|Gargamel]]
** Source: ''[[The Smurfs 2]]'' (2013)
** Note: At the end when Gargamel blasts off into the air, he and Azrael gets sent back to the castle. They get into a fight and Azrael then attacks Gargamel with his claws.

=== ''Sony's Spider-Man Universe'' films ===

* When I get out of here - and I will - there's gonna be ''carnage''.
** Who: Cletus Kasady
** Source: ''[[Venom (film)|Venom]]'' (2018)
** Note: Following post-credits scene depicts scenes from ''Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse'', and thus not truly end the film.
* (''Roomer: &quot;Dude, what are you doing in my room?&quot;'') Uh... I...
** Who: Eddie Brock
** Source: ''[[Venom: Let There Be Carnage]]'' (2021)
* Intriguing.
** Who: Michael Morbius
** Source: ''[[Morbius (film)|Morbius]]'' (2022)

=== ''[[w:Spider-Man_in_film#Sam_Raimi_films|Spider-Man]]'' [[Sam Raimi]] film series ===

* Whatever life holds in store for me, I will never forget these words: &quot;With great power comes great responsibility.&quot; This is my gift, my curse. Who am I? I'm Spider-Man.
** Who: Peter Parker
** Source: ''[[Spider-Man (2002 film)|Spider-Man]]'' (2002)

* Whoo! Hoo-hoo!
** Who: Peter Parker / Spider-Man
** Source: ''[[Spider-Man 2]]'' (2004)

* Whatever comes our way... whatever battle is raging inside us, we always have a choice. My friend Harry taught me that. He chose to be the best of himself. It’s the choices that make us what we are... and we can always choose to do what's right.
** Who: Peter Parker
** Source: ''[[Spider-Man 3]]'' (2007)

=== ''[[Star Trek]]'' ===

* Thataway!
** Who: Admiral James T. Kirk
** Source: ''[[Star Trek: The Motion Picture]]'' (1979)

* Space, the final frontier. ...These are the continuing voyages of the Starship Enterprise. ...Her ongoing mission, to explore strange new worlds, ...to seek out new lifeforms and new civilisations. ...To boldly go where no man has gone before.
** Who: Spock
** Source: ''[[Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan]]'' (1982)

* Yes.
** Who: Admiral James T. Kirk
** Source: ''[[Star Trek III: The Search for Spock]]'' (1984)

* Aye, sir!.
** Who: Lieutenant Sulu
** Source: ''[[Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home]]'' (1986)

* Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream....
** Who: James T. Kirk, Spock &amp; Dr. McCoy
** Source: ''[[Star Trek V: The Final Frontier]]'' (1989)

* Captain's log, U.S.S. Enterprise, stardate 9529.1. This is the final cruise of the Starship Enterprise under my command. This ship and her history will shortly become the care of another crew. To them and their posterity will we commit our future. They will continue the voyages we have begun and journey to all the undiscovered countries, boldly going where no man, where no one, ...has gone before.
** Who: Captain James T. Kirk
** Source: ''[[Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country]]'' (1991)

* Picard to Farragut: Two to beam up.
** Who: Captain Jean-Luc Picard
** Source: ''[[Star Trek Generations]]'' (1994)

* Make it so.
** Who: Captain Jean-Luc Picard
** Source: ''[[Star Trek: First Contact]]'' (1996)

* Energise.
** Who: Captain Jean-Luc Picard
** Source: ''[[Star Trek: Insurrection]]'' (1998)

* ...going so right.
** Who: B-4 
** Source: ''[[Star Trek Nemesis]]'' (2002)

* Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Her ongoing mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new lifeforms and new civilizations, to boldly go where no one has gone before.
** Who: Spock Prime
** Source: ''[[Star Trek (film)|Star Trek]]'' (2009)

* Aye, Captain.
** Who: Lieutenant Sulu
** Source: ''[[Star Trek Into Darkness]]'' (2013)

* To boldly go where no one has gone before.
** Who: Lieutenant Uhura
** Source: ''[[Star Trek Beyond]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[Star Wars]]'' ===

* He'll be all right.
** Who: Luke Skywalker
** Source: ''[[Star Wars (film)|Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope]]'' (1977)

* Ow.
** Who: Luke Skywalker
** Source: ''[[The Empire Strikes Back|Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back]]'' (1980)

* He's my brother.
** Who: Princess Leia Organa of Alderaan
** Source: ''[[Return of the Jedi|Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi]]'' (1983)

* Ya-hoo!
** Who: Jar-Jar Binks
** Source: ''[[Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace]]'' (1999)

* Victory? Victory, you say? Master Obi-Wan, not victory. The shroud of the Dark Side has fallen; Begun, the Clone War has.
** Who: Yoda
** Source: ''[[Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones]]'' (2002)

* Oh, no.
** Who: C-3PO
** Source: ''[[Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith]]'' (2005)

* May the Force be with you.
** Who: General Leia Organa-Solo
** Source: ''[[Star Wars: The Force Awakens|Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens]]'' (2015)

* Hope.
** Who: Princess Leia Organa of Alderaan
** Source: ''[[Rogue One]]'' (2016)

* Luke Skywalker, Jedi Master.
** Who: Temiri Blagg
** Source: ''[[Star Wars: The Last Jedi|Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi]]'' (2017)

* No, I'm telling ya, it's gonna be great. When have I ever steered you wrong?
** Who: Han Solo
** Source: '' [[Solo: A Star Wars Story|Solo]]'' (2018)

* Rey Skywalker.
** Who: Rey
** Source: ''[[Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker|Star Wars Episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker]]'' (2019)

=== ''[[Superman]]'' ===

* No, sir. Don't thank me, Warden. We're all part of the same team. Good night.
** Who: Superman
** Source: ''[[Superman: The Movie]]'' (1978)

* Good afternoon, Mr. President. Sorry I've been away so long. I won't let you down again.
** Who: Superman
** Source: ''[[Superman II]]'' (1980)

* Giorgio, per favore. Que grazie.
** Who: Pisa Vendor
** Source: ''[[Superman III]]'' (1983)

* No. It's the same as it's always been, Luthor. On the brink. With good fighting evil. See you in twenty.
** Who: Superman
** Source: ''[[Superman IV: The Quest for Peace]]'' (1987)

* I'm always around. Good night, Lois.
** Who: Superman
** Source: ''[[Superman Returns]]'' (2006)

=== ''Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles'' film series ===

* I made a funny! [laughs]
** Who: Splinter
** Source: ''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990 film)|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]]'' (1990)

* I made another funny! [laughs]
** Who: Splinter
** Source: ''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze]]'' (1991)

* Get down!
** Who: Michaelangelo
** Source: ''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III: Turtles in Time]]'' (1993)

* I can't see me loving nobody but you For all my life When you're with me, baby The skies'll be blue For all my life!
** Who: Michaelangelo
** Source: ''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014 film)|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]]'' (2014)

* Normal...what fun is that?
** Who: Raphael
** Source: ''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows]]'' (2016)

=== ''[[Terminator (franchise)|Terminator]]'' ===

* I know.
** Who: Sarah Connor
** Source: ''[[The Terminator]]'' (1984)

* The unknown future rolls toward us. I face it for the first time with a sense of hope, because if a machine, a Terminator, can learn the value of human life, maybe we can too.
** Who: Sarah Connor
** Source: ''[[Terminator 2: Judgment Day]]'' (1991)

* By the time SkyNet became self-aware it had spread into millions of computer servers all across the planet. Ordinary computers in office buildings, dorm rooms, everywhere. It was software, in cyberspace. There was no system core. It could not be shut down. The attack began at 6:18 P.M. just as he said it would. Judgment Day. The day the human race was nearly destroyed by the weapons they built to protect themselves. I should have realized our destiny was never to stop Judgment Day; it was merely to survive it. Together. The Terminator knew. He tried to tell us, but I didn't want to hear it. Maybe the future has been written. I don't know. All I know is what the Terminator taught me. Never stop fighting. And I never will. The battle has just begun.
** Who: John Connor
** Source: ''[[Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines]]'' (2003)

* There is a storm on the horizon. A time of hardship and pain. The battle has been won, but the war against machines rages on. Skynet's global network remains strong, but we will not quit, until all of it is destroyed. This is John Connor. There is no fate but what we make.
** Who: John Connor
** Source: ''[[Terminator Salvation]]'' (2009)

* It was over. Skynet was gone. Now, one road has become many. Though questions remain, We'll search for the answers together. But, one thing we know for sure, The future is not set.
** Who: Kyle Reese
** Source: ''[[Terminator Genisys]]'' (2015)

* Then you need to be ready.
** Who: Sarah Connor
** Source: ''[[Terminator: Dark Fate]]'' (2019)

=== ''Top Gun'' film series ===

* I don't know, but uh, it's looking good so far.
** Who: Lt. Pete &quot;Maverick&quot; Mitchell
** Source: ''[[Top Gun]]'' (1986)

=== ''[[X-Men]]'' film series ===

* And I will always be there, old friend.
** Who: Professor Charles Xavier
** Source: ''[[X-Men (film)|X-Men]]'' (2000)

* Mutation. It is the key to our evolution. It is how we have evolved from a single-cell organism into the dominant species on the planet. This process is slow, normally taking thousands and thousands of years. But every few millennia evolution leaps forward.
** Who: Jean Grey
** Source: ''[[X2: X-Men United]]'' (2003)

* Charles?
** Who: Moira MacTaggert
** Source: ''[[X-Men: The Last Stand]]'' (2006)

* Shhh.
** Who: Wade Wilson / Deadpool
* No. I'm drinking to remember.
** Who: Logan
** Source: ''[[X-Men Origins: Wolverine]]'' (2009)
** Notes: Two alternate post-credits scenes were shown at different screenings. The last line alternates depending on which version was shown.

* I prefer... ''Magneto''.
** Who: Erik Lehnsherr
** Source: ''[[X-Men: First Class]]'' (2011)

* As I told you a long time ago, you're not the only with gifts.
** Who: Professor Charles Xavier
** Source: ''[[The Wolverine]]'' (2013)

* En Sabah Nur. En Sabah Nur. En Sabah Nur. En Sabah Nur. En Sabah Nur. En Sabah Nur. En Sabah Nur. En Sabah Nur. En Sabah Nur. En Sabah Nur.
** Who: Apocalypse's worshippers
** Source: ''[[X-Men: Days of Future Past]]'' (2014)

* I'm never gonna dance again, the way I danced with you, ohhhhhhh!
** Who: Wade Wilson / Deadpool
* (post-credits:) You're still here? It's over. Go home! Oh, you're expecting a teaser for Deadpool 2. Well, we don't have that kind of money. What are you expecting, Sam Jackson show up with an eyepatch and a saucy little leather number? Go, go. Oh, but I can tell you one thing and it's a bit of a secret. The sequel, we're gonna have Cable. Amazing character, bionic arm, time-travel, we have no idea who we're gonna cast yet, but it could be anybody just need a big guy with a flat-top. Could be Mel Gibson, Dolph Lundgren, Keira Knightley, she's got range, who knows, anyway big secret shhh. Oh and don't leave your garbage all lying around, it's a total dick move. Go.
** Who: Wade Wilson / Deadpool
** Source: ''[[Deadpool (film)|Deadpool]]'' (2016)

* Forget everything you think you know. Whatever lessons you learned in school, whatever your parents taught you, none of that matters! You're not kids anymore. You're not students. You're X-Men!
** Who: Mystique
** Source: ''[[X-Men: Apocalypse]]'' (2016)

* &quot;There's no living with a killing. There's no going back from one. Right or wrong, it's a brand. A brand sticks. There's no going back. Now you run on home to your mother, and tell her... tell her everything's all right. And there aren't any more guns in the valley.&quot;
** Who: Laura
** Source: ''[[Logan (film)|Logan]]'' (2017)
** Notes: Laura is quoting ''[[w:Shane (film)|Shane]]'' as a eulogy for Logan.

* You're welcome, Canada.
** Who: Wade Wilson / Deadpool
** Source: ''[[Deadpool 2]]'' (2018)

* No, you won't.
** Who: Professor Charles Xavier
** Source: ''Dark Phoenix'' (2019)

* Inside every person there are two bears. One bear is all the good things, compassion, love trust. The other is all the bad things, fear, shame, self-destruction. I asked, “Which one wins?” He answered, ‘The one you feed.”
** Who: Danielle “Dani” Moonstar / Mirage
** Source: ''The New Mutants'' (2020)

[[Category:Last lines]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Last lines in animated TV shows</title>
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      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:1700:F770:7B40:F8D1:1FBC:401F:5ED1</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* The Powerpuff Girls */</comment>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="53966" xml:space="preserve">==Animated TV shows==
* You're coming with me, punk!
**Who: Ron the Rent-a-Cop
**Source: ''[[6teen]]'' (2004-2010)

*Oh yeah!
**Who: Shermy
**Source: ''[[Adventure Time]]'' (2010-2018)

*Being Choose Goose is no lark... especially now that I'm turning dark.
**Who: Choose Goose
**Source: ''[[Adventure Time: Distant Lands]]'' (2020-2021)

*That's right, be afraid! Be very afraid! And tell all your cold-blooded friends there's plenty more where that came from!
**Who: Baby Eddie
**Source: ''[[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius]]'' (2002-2006)

*Oh no. It's started.
**Who: Rob
**Source: ''[[The Amazing World of Gumball]]'' (2011-2019)

*Trust me. There's something magical about you too.
**Who: Jake Long
**Source: ''[[American Dragon: Jake Long]]'' (2005-2007)
**Notes: The closing credits to this episode views clips from the show's previous episodes.

* I am... I... I think as we are very tired, we should go down to the pond for a drink. Then we'll go back to our nests and burrows and sleep. We can explore our big new park tomorrow. And then we will plan how to live together in perfect peace and harmony. In the true spirits of Farthing Wood.
**Who: Plucky
**Source: ''[[The Animals of Farthing Wood (TV series)|The Animals of Farthing Wood]]'' (1993-1995)

*Mechana can we do it?
*We Animal Mechanical can!
**Who: Animal Mechanicals
**Source: ''[[Animal Mechanicals]]'' (2007-2011)
**Note: End of every episode catchphrase.

*We still got a few seconds left. Let's do a joke. Let's do like, a joke or something.
**Who: Meatwad
**Source: ''[[Aqua Teen Hunger Force]]'' (2000-2015)

*&quot;Chapter one: how I got my very first pair of glasses…&quot;
**Who: Adult Arthur
**Source: ''[[Arthur (TV series)|Arthur]]'' (1996-2022)

*Well, I think you all look ''perfect''.
**Who: Toph Beifong
** Source: ''[[Avatar: The Last Airbender]]'' (2005-2008)

*You wanted to know how history will remember the Avengers, Iron Man? Well, here's your answer.
**Who: Captain America
**Source: ''[[The Avengers: Earth's Mightiest Heroes]]'' (2010-2013)

*Where shall I begin?
**Who: [[w:Babar the Elephant|King Babar]]
**Source: ''[[Babar (TV series)|Babar]]'' (1989-2000)

*Fine, but don't blame me if dinner is late! I'd like to see you cook a meal in your arms where your legs should be! Maybe I'll go on the Goraldo Show, he'll believe me about the aliens! I can't find my tush!
**Who: Nora Beady
**Source: ''[[Back at the Barnyard]]'' (2007-2011)

*Mini-muffin?
**Who: Tasha and Austin
**Source: ''[[The Backyardigans]]'' (2004-2010)

*Nice try.
**Who: Batman
**Source: ''[[The Batman]]'' (2004-2008)

*A great run. And until we meet again boys and girls, know that wherever evil lurks in all its myriad forms, I'll be there with the hammers of justice to fight for decency, and defend the innocent. Goodnight.
**Who: Batman
**Source: ''[[Batman: The Brave and the Bold]]'' (2008-2011)

*I love you too, son. This message will self-destruct in 3...2...1...
**Who: [[w:Fred Jones (Scooby-Doo)|Fred Jones]] (reading a letter from his father)
**Source: ''[[Be Cool, Scooby-Doo!]]'' (2015-2018)

*P2, going down.
**Who: Elevator Announcer
**Source: ''[[Beavis and Butt-head]]'' (1993-97; 2011)

*Bravo, Batman. Checkmate. Shall we play again?
**Who: Anarky
**Source: ''[[Beware the Batman]]'' (2013-2014)

*Ba-a-la-la-la-la.
**Who: Baymax
**Source: ''[[Big Hero 6: The Series]]'' (2017-2021)

*Welcome to Taco Shack. May I take your order?
**Who: Taco Shack Employee
**Source: ''[[Billy Dilley's Super-Duper Subterranean Summer]]'' (2017)
**Note: Cancelled after one season due to poor ratings.

*Riley, run!
**Who: Huey Freeman
**Source: ''[[The Boondocks]]'' (2005-2014)

*Yeah. This is nice.
**Who: BoJack Horseman
**Source: ''[[BoJack Horseman]]'' (2014-2020)

*Never mind, I can't wait.
**Who: Brandy Harrington
**Source: ''[[Brandy &amp; Mr. Whiskers]]'' (2004-2006)

*Yup, yup! Let us swim to freedom!
**Who: Buhdeuce
**Source: ''[[Breadwinners]]'' (2014-2016)

*I'm stuck in a tree!
**Who: Bunsen
**Source: ''[[Bunsen Is a Beast]]'' (2017-2018)
**Note: Series cancelled after one season due to declining ratings and Butch Hartman leaving Nickelodeon.

*Okay, Who's up for cupcake?
**Who: Pupert Pesky
**Source: ''[[The Buzz on Maggie]]'' (2005-2006)

*Sometimes change is good. Having a new teacher turned out to be a lot of fun.
**Who: Narrator
**Source: ''[[Caillou]]'' (1997-2010)

*Please tell me we go home alone with her?
**Who: McGee
**Source: ''[[Camp Lakebottom]]'' (2013-2017)

*Okay. I think it's just officially got to the point where it can't get any weirder.
**Who: Samson
*(in-credits:) Uh, yeah... okay. 
**Who: Stanley
**Source: ''[[Camp Lazlo]]'' (2005-2008)

*Yeah! Woo-hoo!
**Who: Nick and Sally
**Source: ''The Cat In The Hat Knows A Lot About That!'' (2011-2018)

*Stop it, Zouzou. You're suppose to be a watch dog, not a kiss dog! ''[laughs]''
**Who: Charley
**Source: ''[[Charley and Mimmo]]'' (1999-2002)

*I have saved a fucking gorilla today, I also talked a very special idiot out of willing himself dead, and now, just because I'm too hairy in some places and too bald in other places, you can't find it in your putrid little heart to want to get to know me sexually? [Laughs sarcastically] What's wrong with me? What is wrong with you? I am magical!
**Who: Frank
**Source: ''[[China, IL]]'' (2011-2015)

*Babies, no! Put Scraps down!
**Who: Adult Chowder
*(post-credits:) Oh, radda.
**Who: Shnitzel
**Source: ''[[Chowder (TV series)|Chowder]]'' (2007-2010)

*Yes!
**Who: Clarence Wendle
**Source: ''[[Clarence (American TV series)|Clarence]]'' (2014-2018)

*Enjoy the moment, Jay. For the future is no longer foretold.
**Who: Cronus
**Source: ''[[Class of the Titans]]'' (2005-2008)

*What?! This is your fault!
**Who: Lil' D
**Source: ''[[Class of 3000]]'' (2006-2008)

*We are dumb.
**Who: Donna Tubbs-Brown
**Source: ''[[The Cleveland Show]]'' (2009-2013)
**Note: Ended after four seasons due to declining ratings.

*Hello? Yeah. We told him everything he wanted to hear. We'll meet you in the moonbase, okay? Oh! And Numbuh 1... Welcome back.
**Who: Adult Abigail Lincoln (Numbuh 5)
*(post-credits:) Stay young.
**Who: None
**Source: ''[[Codename: Kids Next Door]]'' (2002-2008)
**Notes: The final credits roll with a short montage of every episode from beginning to finish, ending with a picture of Sector V looking at the sunset outside the treehouse with the actual final lines read above them, &quot;Stay Young&quot;.

*What more could a bear ask for?
**Who: [[w:Corduroy (book)|Corduroy]]
**Source: ''[[Corduroy (TV series)|Corduroy]]'' (2000-2001)

*Perfect!
**Who: The Perfectionist (offscreen)
**Source: ''[[Courage the Cowardly Dog]]'' (1996-2002)

*That's right, Cubix. We're friends. Friends forever.
**Who: Connor
**Source: ''[[Cubix: Robots for Everyone]]'' (2001-2003)

*Thanks, Dan.
**Who: Little Chris
**Source: ''[[Dan Vs.]]'' (2011-2013)

*Cool statue. Personally, I would've used recycled materials, but, you know, that's just me.
**Who: Sam Manson
**Source: ''[[Danny Phantom]]'' (2004-2007)

*I take it back.
**Who: Jane
**Source: ''[[Daria]]'' (1997-2002)

*Come on, Eep. The moon's looking at me funny again. We need to go smash his face!
**Who: Grug Crood
**Source: ''[[Dawn of the Croods]]'' (2015-2017)

*I can do anything with my best friends on my side.
**Who: Dottie &quot;Doc&quot; McStuffins
**Source: ''[[Doc McStuffins]]'' (2012-2020)

*Oh yeah. Hehehe. Anybody wanna dance?
**Who: Donkey Kong
**Source: ''[[Donkey Kong Country]]'' (1998-2000)

*It's a perfect name!
**Who: Enrique
**Source: ''[[Dragon Tales]]'' (1999-2005)

*Hey, assholes, thanks for watching!
**Who: [[w:List of Drawn Together characters#Toot Braunstein|Toot Braunstein]]
**Source: ''[[Drawn Together]]'' (2004-2007)

*First one inside gets to give him mouth to mouth!
**Who: Lee
*(post-credits:) It's the end of the movie? What movie?
**Who: Jonny
**Source: ''[[Ed Edd n Eddy]]'' (1999-2009)

*Familia forever!
**Who: El Tigre
**Source: ''[[El Tigre: The Adventures of Manny Rivera]]'' (2007-2008)

*I am.
**Who: Elena
**Source: ''[[Elena of Avalor]]'' (2016-2020)

*Remember, friends help friends solve problems. See you next time! 
**Who: [[w:Elliot Moose|Elliot Moose]]
**Source: ''[[Elliot Moose (TV series)|Elliot Moose]]'' (1998-2000)

*Hmm. Maybe being emperor won't be so bad after all.
**Who: Kuzco
*(post-credits:) KUZCO!!
**Who: Yzma
**Source: ''[[The Emperor's New School]]'' (2006-2008)

*Happy Friendaversary!
**Who: [[w:Timmy Tiberius Turner|Timmy Turner]] and Chloe Carmichael
**Source: ''[[The Fairly OddParents|The Fairly OddParents!]]'' (2001-2017)
**Note: Ended after ten seasons due to Butch Hartman leaving Nickelodeon and due to declining ratings.

*Oh.
**Who: Ruff Ruffman
*I love you guys!
**Who: Emmie Atwood
**Source: ''[[Fetch! with Ruff Ruffman]]'' (2006-2010)

*I'm king of the world! King of the world!
**Who: Milo Fishtooth
**Source: ''[[Fish Hooks]]'' (2010-2014)

*Okay, bye doggies!
**Who: Cheese
**Source: ''[[Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends]]'' (2004-2009)

*Come on, Franklin.
**Who: Beaver
**Source: ''[[Franklin (TV series)|Franklin]]'' (1997-2004)

*You're an evil man!
**Who: Norm Abram
**Source: ''[[Freakazoid!]]'' (1995-1997)

*What a great day!
**Who: Kiki
**Source: ''[[Fresh Beat Band of Spies]]'' (2014-2016)

*I do.
**Who: Leela
**Source: ''[[Futurama]]'' (2008-2013)

*Welcome home, Goliath. Welcome home.
**Who: Elisa Maza
**Source: ''[[Gargoyles (TV series)|Gargoyles]]'' (1994–1996)

*One thousand years ago, we lived in a world that understood our purpose. It was the age of Gargoyles. Ten centuries later, we awoke to a world bent on our destruction. Somehow, we never lost hope, and today we come full circle. A new age has begun, and we live again.
**Who: Goliath
**Source: ''[[Gargoyles (TV series)#Season 3 (The Goliath Chronicles) -- (Non-Cannon)|Gargoyles: The Goliath Chronicles]]'' (1996–1997)

*Yes, there is.
**Who: Agent Six
**Source: ''[[Generator Rex]]'' (2010-2013)

*Knowing Razer, I'd say he's got a pretty good shot.
**Who: Hal Jordan
**Source: ''[[Green Lantern: The Animated Series]]'' (2011-2013)

*Thanks for coming out, everyone!
**Who: Cory Riffin, Kin Kujira, Kon Kujira, and Laney Penn
**Source: ''[[Grojband]]'' (2013-2015)

*Yeah. You found each other. When a friend comes into your life, it changes you a little. They challenge you. They make you laugh. They make you stronger. Each person gives you a gift. A special part of them that you keep forever. It's like they're always with you.
**Who: Irving Beaks
**Source: ''[[Harvey Beaks]]'' (2015-2017)

*He's never gonna hear the end of it.
**Who: Rhonda
**Source: ''[[Hey Arnold!]]'' (1996-2004)

*Sorry, I didn't mean-- I'd take it back! Mmm, charred marshmallow flesh. Whoa! N-n-no! I didn't say that. No, it wasn't me. That wasn't someone, who else? Get off this ship, you're not welcome.
**Who: Nerville
**Source: ''[[The High Fructose Adventures of Annoying Orange]]'' (2012-2014)

*Oh, she's the most beautiful creature I've ever seen. This is the life...or more less.
**Who: Kaz Harada
**Source: ''[[Hi Hi Puffy AmiYumi]]'' (2004-2006)

*That's a wrap!
**Who: Father Time
**Source: ''[[Histeria!]]'' (1998-2000)

*I feels very at home.
**Who: Oh
**Source: ''[[Home: Adventures with Tip &amp; Oh]]'' (2016-2018)

*I could go for tapas…
**Who: Brendan
**Source: ''[[Home Movies (TV series)|Home Movies]]'' (1999-2004)

*Oh, Mickey!
**Who: Minnie Mouse
**Source: ''[[w:House of Mouse|House of Mouse]]'' (2001-2003)

*I love you too, Bertie!
**Who: Arlo Beauregard
**Source: ''I Heart Arlo'' (2021)

*Get out of the house of Zim! This is my house, get out! Get-
**Who: Zim
**Source: ''[[Invader Zim]]'' (2001-2006)

*Why not?! You weren't using it! You're always﻿ too busy fighting wizards!
**Who: Drago
**Source: ''[[Jackie Chan Adventures]]'' (2000-2005)

*That was brilliant! Thank ye, mates! See you next time!
**Who: John Darling
**Source: ''[[Jake and the Never Land Pirates]]'' (2011-2016)

*You're wrong Mr. Teacherman, this is Porkbelly. Where we make our own history.
**Who: [[w:List_of_Johnny_Test_characters#Johnny Test|Johnny Test]]
**Source: ''[[Johnny Test]]'' (2005-2014)

*You bet, pal!
**Who: Kick Buttowski
**Source: ''[[Kick Buttowski: Suburban Daredevil]]'' (2010-2012)
**Note: Cancelled after two seasons due to poor ratings.

*I told you graduation wasn't the end of the world.
**Who: Kim Possible
*(post-credits) Glad you asked! Funny story - not funny &quot;ha-ha&quot;. But, it was a Tuesday...
**Who: Dr. Drakken
**Source: ''[[Kim Possible]]'' (2002-2007)

*Yup!
**Who: Hank Hill
**Source: ''[[King of the Hill]]'' (1997-2010)

*Duck!
**Who: Arnold
**Source: ''[[Kipper (TV series)|Kipper]]'' (1997-2000)

*Hey everybody, Let's hear it for the Dragon Warrior! Huzzah, huzzah...
**Who: Lu Kang and the citizens
**Source: ''[[Kung Fu Panda: Legends of Awesomeness]]'' (2011-2016)

*There you go!
**Who: Littlefoot
**Source: ''[[The Land Before Time (TV series)|The Land Before Time]]'' (2007-2008)

*Sounds perfect.
**Who: Korra
**Source: ''[[The Legend of Korra]]'' (2012-2014)

*Now is a time of celebration. We have won a great victory. But when the glow has faded, we must remember the cost, and we must be forever vigilant. The message of hate that Mordred carried will come again with a different name, a different face. But as long as we keep the ideals of Camelot alive in our hearts, we will prevail. Long live honor, and justice. Long live goodness, and truth. Long live... Camelot!
**Who: King Arthur
**Source: ''[[The Legend of Prince Valiant]]'' (1991-1993)

*Evil does not die. It evolves.
**Who: Brainiac 6
**Source: ''[[Legion of Super Heroes]]'' (2006-2008)

*I love you too, Stitch.
**Who: Lilo Pelekai
**Source: ''[[Lilo &amp; Stitch: The Series]]'' (2003-2006)

*Little Bill, who are you talking to?
**Who: Brenda Glover
**Source: ''[[Little Bill]]'' (1999-2004)

*I can't believe they canceled our show and put this on instead.
**Who: Lulu Moppet
**Source: ''[[The Little Lulu Show]]'' (1995-1999)

*Someday, kiddo. Someday.
**Who: Roger Baxter
**Source: ''[[Littlest Pet Shop (2012 TV series)|Littlest Pet Shop]]'' (2012-2016)
**Note: Cancelled due to poor toy sales. Succeeded by the reboot ''A World Of Our Own''.

*And who you all think should be the most valuable player?
**Who: Floyd Minton
*''[cheering]'' PETUNIA!!!
**Who: Baby Bugs, Baby Lola, Baby Taz, Baby Daffy, Baby Melissa, Baby Tweety, and Baby Sylvester
*Yay!!!
**Who: Baby Tweety
**Source: ''Baby Looney Tunes'' (2001-2005)
**Note: Canceled due to poor ratings and negative reviews. It was succeeded by ''[[The Looney Tunes Show]]'' in 2011.

*Ain't I a stinker?
**Who: Bugs Bunny as Batman
*And that's the end.
**Who: [[w:Bugs Bunny|Bugs Bunny]] (Post-credits)
**Source: ''[[The Looney Tunes Show]]'' (2011-2014)

*I just call &quot;dibs&quot; on his fish flakes.
**Who: A fish
**Source: ''[[Mad (TV series)|MAD]]'' (2010-2013)

*Hooray for Maggie!
**Who: Beast, Hamilton Hocks, Rudy, Nedley, and the Jellybean Team
**Source: ''[[Maggie and the Ferocious Beast]]'' (2000-2002)

*Yut is pleased by attention!
**Who: Mister Yut 
**Source: ''Littlest Pet Shop: A World of Our Own'' (2018-19)
**Note: Cancelled after one season.

*Leave me alone, or I will call my fiend back!
**Who: Vendetta
**Source: ''[[Making Fiends (TV series)|Making Fiends]]'' (2008)

*I'm the luckiest one here. I have two families! Now about that turkey...
**Who: Martha
**Source: ''[[Martha Speaks (TV series)|Martha Speaks]]'' (2008-2014)

*The president cut the strings shorter. Only one foot long! Much safer for everyone.
**Who: Peg
*Definitely! 
**Who: Cat
**Source: ''Peg + Cat'' (2014-2018)

*I guess we will, baby. I guess we will.
**Who: Bubbie
**Source: ''[[The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack]]'' (2008-2010)

*So even though things didn't go exactly like they were supposed to, that matinee turned out to be one of our best shows ever. Now that's teamwork. What can I say, Mom and Dad? We're a real class act. 
**Who: Eddy Largo
**Source: ''[[Marvin the Tap-Dancing Horse]]'' (2000-2002)

*Max! You and your gumball spitting spider gave us what we wanted. A big...
**Who: Ruby
*Finish!
**Who: Max
**Source: ''[[Max &amp; Ruby]]'' (2003-2019)

*It's a funny thing about making a commitment. Even though sometimes you don't want to follow through. Once you do, you're glad you did.
**Who: Maya Santos
**Source: ''[[Maya &amp; Miguel]]'' (2004-2007)

*Now, let's see what kind of new stuff the evil me put in Megas. Woo! Yeah, Wah-hoo! Yeah! Wa, ha, ha!
**Who: Harold &quot;Coop&quot; Cooplowski
**Source: ''[[Megas XLR]]'' (2004-2005)

*I believe that you would, Slick. Now how about a hand?
**Who: Agent K
**Source: ''[[Men in Black: The Series]]'' (1997-2001)

*See you real soon!
**Who: Mickey Mouse
**Note: Catchphrase that ends every episode of Season 1.
*Aw, thanks for stopping by!
**Who: Mickey Mouse
**Note: Catchphrase that ends almost every episode of Seasons 2-4.
*Good night, everybody.
**Who: Mickey Mouse
**Source: ''[[Mickey Mouse Clubhouse]]'' (2006-2016)
**Note: Official last line of the series, because the series got cancelled after four seasons due to poor ratings. It was succeeded by ''Mickey and the Roadster Racers''.

*Oh, Haps! I don't know if you can see from your side, but I just skywrote 'Bessie and Happy BFFAEAE' and it looks really great!
**Who: Bessie Higgenbottom
**Source: ''[[The Mighty B!]]'' (2008-2011)

*Don't worry about it.
**Who: Witchy Simone
**Source: ''[[Mighty Magiswords]]'' (2016-2019)

*I think we're gonna need a new ship.
**Who: Milo Murphy
**Source: ''[[Milo Murphy's Law]]'' (2016-2019)
**Note: Either on hiatus or cancelled after two seasons due to poor ratings. 

*Weddings, Priya. They do something to you.
**Who: Mira
**Source: ''Mira, Royal Detective'' (2020-2022)

*Y'see? Sometimes one small Mixel is all it takes. Yup, Mixopolis is my town. And always will be.
**Who: Booger
**Source: ''[[Mixels]]'' (2014-2016)

*Okay, going for the triple bonus.
**Who: President Hathaway
**Source: ''[[w:Monsters vs. Aliens (TV series)|Monsters vs. Aliens]]'' (2013-2014)

*Today's Christmas sermon is about family. What is family? Well, a lot of times, family is just a bunch of people who are forced to be together just because they came out of each other — but every so often...a miracle happens. A loving family, just like that, out of nowhere. Now, what causes this — a belief in God, a strong moral structure, blind luck? Who knows, who cares? Ah, you're not gonna get any answers out of me. I'm just a puppet for the Big Guy. I don't write this stuff. The end — I mean, Amen. Nah, who am I kidding? The End.
**Who: Reverend &quot;Rod&quot; Putty
**Source: ''[[Moral Orel]]'' (2005-2008)

*Oh, freak me out! This is craziness! (US version)
*Leave me alone, you ticklish pest! (UK version)
**Who: Mr. Bump
**Source: ''[[The Mr. Men Show]]'' (2008-2009)

*See you later, friends. And thanks for all the laughs.
**Who: Kermit
**Source: ''[[Muppet Babies (2018 TV series)|Muppet Babies]]'' (2018-2022)

*Thanks.
**Who: Thunder
**Source: ''[[My Friend Rabbit]]'' (2007-2008)

*Uh-oh.
**Who: Adam Lyon
**Source: ''[[My Gym Partner's a Monkey]]'' (2005-2008)

*Jenny, did you forget to feed the tiger?
**Who: Nora
**Source: ''[[My Life as a Teenage Robot]]'' (2003-2009)

*Monkey King!
**Who: Kai-Lan, Hoho, Tolee, and Rintoo
**Source: ''[[Ni Hao, Kai-Lan]]'' (2007-2011)

*Thank you for watching the show!
**Who: K.O.
**Source: ''[[OK K.O.! Let's Be Heroes]]'' (2017-2019)

*Good night, Olivia. Time for bed, William!
**Who: Mom
**Source: ''[[Olivia]]'' (2009-2013)

*''(translation)'' Phase one is complete, 807612r-B9. Commence Phase two?
**Who: The Guardian
**Source: ''[[Penn Zero: Part-Time Hero]]'' (2014-2017)

*Yes. Yes we do.
**Who: Phineas Flynn
**Source: ''[[Phineas and Ferb]]'' (2007-2015)

*Poppets away!
**Who: Blooter, Patty, and Bobby
**Source: ''[[Poppets Town]]'' (2008-2009)

*Not just yet. My person calls. I'll see you in the morning. And I'll be on time, I promise. But I'm not skipping breakfast. Because believe me, breakfast with Dot, it's the most important meal of my day.
**Who: Lucky
**Source: ''[[Pound Puppies (2010 TV series)|Pound Puppies]]'' (2010-2013)

*Make a run of yourselves! I'm running away!
**Who: Alfe
**Source: ''[[The Problem Solverz]]'' (2011-2013)

*Nobody ever listens to me.
**Who: Zak
**Source: ''[[Rabbids Invasion]]'' (2013-2017)

*I love you, Rapunzel.
**Who: [[w:Flynn Rider|Eugene Fitzherbert]]
**Source: ''[[Rapunzel's Tangled Adventure]]'' (2017-2020)

*Attention. As you are no doubt aware, the Principal Office is now under my complete control. You're probably looking forward to one of my erudite speeches about me, Megaframe, the new viral dawn, et cetera et cetera. But I'm afraid I'm going to have to disappoint you. There is no grand scheme here. This is about revenge. Viruses are predatory by design, and it is time for me to follow my function. Prepare yourselves... for the hunt!
**Who: Megabyte
**Source: ''[[ReBoot]]'' (1994-2001)
**Note: Ended after four seasons with no resolution.

*Jolly good show.
**Who: Pops Maellard
**Source: ''[[Regular Show]]'' (2010-2017)

*Aw, raggy!
**Who: Stimpy
**Source: ''[[The Ren &amp; Stimpy Show]]'' (1991-1996)

*Always, sis. Always.
**Who: Todd Daring
**Source: ''[[The Replacements (TV series|The Replacements]]'' (2006-2009)

*And we're cancelled.
**Who: Dog
**Source: ''[[Right Now Kapow]]'' (2016-2017)

*No... Ashi...
**Who: Jack
**Source: ''[[Samurai Jack]]'' (2001-2004; 2017)

*Yeah!
**Who: Sanjay Patel, Craig Slithers, Megan Sparkles, Hector Flanagan, Ronnie Slithers, and Tuff Fist
**Source: ''[[Sanjay and Craig]]'' (2013-2016)

*I'm happy you're home too, Sofia.
**Who: Princess Amber
**Source: ''[[Sofia the First]]'' (2012-2018)

*Don't apologize. I never do.
**Who: Norman Osborn
**Source: ''[[The Spectacular Spider-Man (TV series)|The Spectacular Spider-Man]]'' (2008-2009)

*Hip hip hooray! The Super Readers saved the day!
**Who: Whyatt Beanstalk
**Source: ''[[Super Why!]]'' (2007-2016)
**Note: End of every episode catchphrase.

*Then let's do this together.
**Who: Adora/She-Ra
**Source: ''[[She-Ra and the Princesses of Power]]'' (2018-2020)

*It was an accident, and accident!
**Who: Eric Needles
**Source: ''[[Sidekick (TV series)|Sidekick]]'' (2010-2013)

*Well, there's always next season.
**Who: Dr. Eggman
**Source: ''[[Sonic Boom (TV series)]]'' (2014-2017)

*Game over butt-nik!
**Who: Sonic
**Source: ''[[Sonic Underground]]'' (1999)

*I may have been small today, but it turned out to be the biggest day of my life.
**Who: Oso
**Source: ''[[Special Agent Oso]]'' (2009-2012)

*Kimmy? Uh, hello? Kimmy. Umm... Kimmy?
**Who: Amber
**Source: ''[[Sym-Bionic Titan]]'' (2010-2011)

*Umifriend, we couldn't have done it without you!
**Who: Milli
**Notes: Those are the last spoken words on every episode in Season 1.
*I feel a celebration coming on!
**Who: Bot
**Source: ''[[Team Umizoomi]]'' (2010-2015)
**Notes: Those are the last spoken words on every episode (starting with the second season), the actual last line is the final verse of the Umi Shake song: &quot;Mighty, mighty, mighty... MATH POWERS!&quot;

*Beast Boy to Robin: I'm on my way, over.
**Who: Beast Boy
**Source: ''[[Teen Titans]]'' (2003-2006)
**Note: Cancelled after five seasons.

* If you don't mind me saying, a Royally Useful Engine.
** Who: The Queen
** Source: ''[[Thomas &amp; Friends]]'' (1984-2021)
** Series ultimately got cancelled due to poor toy sales; succeeded by its reboot ''All Engines Go''.

*The different animals of Third Earth, working together for the first time. You know why? You, Lion-O. You gave them something to believe in. Now, there's still one more stone left. Are we gonna find it or what?
**Who: WilyKit
**Source: ''[[ThunderCats (2011 TV series)|ThunderCats]]'' (2011-2012)

*Okay, time page. How about some help with my math homework?
**Who: Anna
**Source: ''[[w:Time Warp Trio|Time Warp Trio]]'' (2005-2006)

*It's really good. And Yoko likes (baby beans) burritos. She likes almond cookies too. Can you put an extra one in my lunch box tomorrow and some lettuce for Norman...
**Who: Juanita
**Source: ''[[Timothy Goes to School]]'' (2000-2001)

*Oh, and send an ambulance, Sarge. An art lover just fainted.
**Who: Dibble
**Source: ''[[Top Cat]]'' (1961-1962)

*Huh? Awesome!
**Who: Sam
**Source: ''[[Totally Spies]]'' (2001-2015)

*You know it, Pipster. Let's flamin-go!
**Who: Freddy
**Source: ''T.O.T.S.'' (2018-2022)

*Hooray for T.U.F.F.!
**Who: Dudley Puppy, Kitty Katswell, Keswick, and Chief Herbert Dumbrowski
**Source: ''[[T.U.F.F. Puppy]]'' (2010-2015)

*One more thing, how about a dance?
**Who: Tut
**Source: ''[[Tutenstein]]'' (2003-2008)

*Suck my balls! (Thanks for watching!)
**Who: Manbird
**Source: ''[[Ugly Americans]]'' (2010-2012)

*Aw, yeah!
**Who: Uncle Grandpa, Mr. Gus, Pizza Steve, Giant Realistic Flying Tiger, Belly Bag and Frankenstein
**Source: ''[[Uncle Grandpa]]'' (2013-2017)

*The Scare B&amp;B will always be a place for everyone, no matter how different you are. Whether you're human, monster, ghost or ghoul. Or someone who's blue with pointy teeth, like me.
**Who: Vampirina &quot;Vee&quot; Hauntley
* We love you, Vee!
**Who: Bridget
**Source: ''[[Vampirina]]'' (2017-2021)

*To Allura!
**Who: Takashi 'Shiro' Shirogane, Keith, Lance, Katie &quot;Pidge&quot; Holt, and Hunk
**Source: ''[[Voltron: Legendary Defender]]'' (2016-2018)
**Notes: The epilogue reveals what happened to the characters of the show after honoring Allura right before the credits start.

*Nothing ever changes.
**Who: Sylvia and Peepers 
*(post-credits:) They'll get what's coming to them.
**Who: Lord Dominator
**Source: ''[[Wander Over Yonder]]'' (2013-2016)

*Oh, Todd.
**Who: Maurecia
**Source: ''[[Wayside (TV series)|Wayside]]'' (2007-2008)

*Monsta X!
**Who: [[wikipedia:Monsta X|Monsta X]]
**Source: ''[[We Bare Bears]]'' (2015-2019)

*Later days!
**Who: Everyone
**Source: ''[[The Weekenders]]'' (2000-2004)

*Oh well, I guess I'll just have to eat it myself. Works every time.
**Who: Gus
**Source: ''[[Willa's Wild Life]]'' (2008-2010)

*Since we’re coming clean, I always knew you were a monkey.
**Who: Violet
**Source: ''[[WordGirl]]'' (2007-2015)

*Schlitweitz!
**Who: David and Lisa
**Source: ''[[The World of David the Gnome]]'' (1987)

*Wait, did we forget to put away the Happy Ha-Ha Bugs?
**Who: Wubbzy
**Source: ''[[Wow! Wow! Wubbzy!]]'' (2006-2010)

*Here we go! Yo Gabba Gabba...
**Who: DJ Lance
**Source: ''[[Yo Gabba Gabba!]]'' (2007-2015)
**Note: End of every episode catchphrase.

===''Hilda''===
*Odds are...she'd do it again.
**Who: The Wood Man (Season 1)
**Source: ''Hilda'' (2018-present)

*Oh, Hilda. It's beautiful.
**Who: Johanna (Season 2)
**Source: ''Hilda'' (2018-present)

* Woo-hoo...OOF!
**Who: Hilda
**Source: ''Hilda and The Mountain King'' (2021)

===''Amphibia''===
* Hold on for a little longer girls. I'm coming for you and when I find you, we're gonna get home, but first I think we're gonna have some fun with this place.
**Who: Sasha Waybright (Season 1A)
**Source: ''Amphibia'' (2019-2022)

* No, I'm not.
**Who: Anne Boonchuy (Season 1B)
**Source: ''Amphibia'' (2019-2022)

* I have a proposition for you Marcy. And I think you'll find it very interesting.
**Who: King Andras (Season 2A)
**Source: ''Amphibia'' (2019-2022)
**Note: Although &quot;A Day at the Aquarium&quot; is the mid-season finale, the mid-season finale that's a non-canon is &quot;The Shut In&quot; which could either be the season premiere or the mid-season finale. If the next episode was the mid-season finale, then the last line would be &quot;Not a holiday! Definitely not a holiday!&quot; by Anne Boonchuy.

* Home.
**Who: Anne Boonchuy (Season 2B)
**Source: ''Amphibia'' (2019-2022)

* I can't imagine spending the holidays without your family. I know how hard it is to be apart and not know if you'll ever see each other again. So, I'm writing to let you know your daughter is alive. She's trapped in another world, but I promise, I'm going to bring her back home safe. Signed, a friend.
**Who: Anne Boonchuy (Season 3A)
**Source: ''Amphibia'' (2019-2022)
**Note: Although, it's not technically the last line in Season 3A. The mid-season finale was supposed to be &quot;Escape to Amphibia&quot;. That means Anne's real last line in Season 3A was supposed to be &quot;What happened here?&quot;.

* Change can be difficult, but it's how we grow. It can be the hardest thing to realize you can't hold on to something forever. Sometimes, you have to let it go. But of the things you let go, you'd be surprised what makes its way back to you.
**Who: Anne Boonchuy (Season 3B)
**Source: ''Amphibia'' (2019-2022)

===''Bluey''===
*Verandah Santa's just trying to do his job! You naughty kids! ''[laughs as he's being pummeled]''
**Who: Bandit Heeler (Series 1)
**Source: ''Bluey'' (2018-present)

*Remember I'll always be here for you, even if you can't see me. Because I love you.
**Who: Chilli Heeler (Series 2, Part 1)
**Source: ''Bluey'' (2018-present)

*He remembered us.
**Who: Bluey Christine Heeler and Bingo Heeler (Series 2, Part 2)
**Source: ''Bluey'' (2018-present)

*Works for me.
**Who: Bandit Heeler and Chilli Heeler (Series 3, Part 1)
**Source: ''Bluey'' (2018-present)

*Yes...yes...you got it! WOO HOO!!!
**Who 1: Bandit Heeler, Chilli Heeler, Pat, and Janelle (Series 3, Part 2)
*Come here, Chucky!
**Who 2: Pat and Janelle (Series 3, Part 2)
**Source: ''Bluey'' (2018-present)

===''The Cuphead Show!''===
*Sorry, boys. I like ya, but not enough to tango with the cops. So long, fellas.
**Who: Ms. Chalice (Part 1)
**Source: ''The Cuphead Show!'' (2022-present)

=== ''Elliott from Earth'' ===
*Oh. Was that meant to happen?
**Who: 105E
**Source: ''[[Elliott from Earth]]'', Diminishing Discourse (2021)

===''The Powerpuff Girls''===
*''Mojo!!!'' You get out of there! You're nothing but a big party-crasher!!!
**Who: Bubbles
*So once again, the day is saved. Thanks to The Powerpuff Girls...and the contaminated banana cream pie. 
**Who: Narrator
**Source: ''[[The Powerpuff Girls]]'' (1998-2005)

*Hoc-guy?
**Who: The Professor
**Source: ''[[The Powerpuff Girls (2016 TV series)|The Powerpuff Girls]]'' (2016-2019)

===''Cat Burglar''===
* But I...
**Who: Rowdy (Bad Ending)
**Source: ''Cat Burglar'' (2022)

* What can I say? I'm a non-existential cartoon cat!
**Who: Rowdy (Good Ending)
**Source: ''Cat Burglar'' (2022)

===''Big City Greens''===
*One step ahead of you.
**Who: Remy Remington (Season 1A)
**Source: ''Big City Greens'' (2018-present)

*Whaaaaa?!
**Who: Remy Remington (Season 1B)
**Source: ''Big City Greens'' (2018-present)
**Note: Quote from &quot;Phoenix Rises&quot; which is the actual mid-season finale. But, &quot;Forbidden Feline&quot; is probably the mid-season finale as it counts as a holiday special, despite it being the 37th episode in chronological order. So, the last line could be &quot;Look, I'm sorry I abandoned you earlier, but if you're gonna fancy me up, AT LEAST LET ME PICK THE DRESS!!!!&quot; by Cricket Green. 

*Ugh, fine.
**Who: Cricket Green (Season 1C)
**Source: ''Big City Greens'' (2018-present)

*WHAT HAPPENED?!
**Who: Bill Green (Season 2A)
**Source: ''Big City Greens'' (2018-present)

*And yet, it just...''did.''
**Who: Tilly Green (Season 2B)
**Source: ''Big City Greens'' (2018-present)

*No, it's Gloria ''Plus'' Green. My name isn't -- oh, forget it.
**Who: Gloria Sato (Season 2C)
**Source: ''Big City Greens'' (2018-present)

*I'M INNOCENT I SWEAR!!! Ah, forget it. I'll just see myself to my room.
**Who: Cricket Green (Season 3A part 1)
**Source: ''Big City Greens'' (2018-present)

*I just had the craziest idea...
**Who: Bill Green (Season 3A part 2)
**Source: ''Big City Greens'' (2018-present)

===''The Ghost and Molly McGee''===
* Ooh!
**Who: Molly McGee (Season 1)
**Source: ''[[The Ghost and Molly McGee]]'' (2021-present)

===''The Owl House''===
* Wow...what a night! Now...can someone let me down? Anyone...?
**Who: Snaggleback (Season 1A)
**Source: ''The Owl House'' (2020-present)

* In the meantime, the Day of Unity is upon us. And we have much work to do.
**Who: Emperor Belos (Season 1B)
**Source: ''The Owl House'' (2020-present)

* Who dubbed you a parent?
**Who: Eda (Season 2A)
**Source: ''The Owl House'' (2020-present)

*Hey, Mom. I'm back.
**Who: Luz Noceda (Season 2B)
**Source: ''The Owl House'' (2020-present)

===''Animaniacs''===
*That's why the right man for the job...''[tosses her hair]'' is always a woman. Wink!
** Who: Dot Warner (Season 1)
**Source: ''[[Animaniacs (2020 TV series)]]'' (2020-present)

*This time, I wonder if we'll dream.
** Who: Wakko Warner (Season 2)
**Source: ''[[Animaniacs (2020 TV series)]]'' (2020-present)

*It actually doesn't stink!
**Who: [[w:Yakko, Wakko, and Dot|Wakko Warner]]
*(post-credits:) Goodbye, nurse!
**Who: [[w:Yakko, Wakko, and Dot|Yakko, Wakko, and Dot]]
**Source: ''[[Animaniacs]]'' (1993-1998)

*I am not a refrigerator!
**Who: [[w:List_of_Animaniacs_characters#Pinky and the Brain|The Brain (Brain2-Me2)]]
**Source: ''[[Pinky and the Brain]]'' (1995-1998)

*And the moral of our story is...
**Who: Yakko Warner
**Source: ''[[Wakko's Wish]]'' (1999)

*I'm Underwear Head!
**Who: [[w:List_of_Tiny_Toon_Adventures_characters#Elmyra Duff|Elmyra Duff]]
*They're Pinky, the Brain, and Underwear Head-head-head-head-head.
**Who: Off-screen vocals
**Source: ''[[Pinky, Elmyra &amp; the Brain]]'' (1998-1999)

===''Gravity Falls''===
*That's good.
**Who: Gideon Gleeful (Season 1A)
*(in-credits) Cross this town off our list.
**Who: Winninghouse Coupon Saver  (Season 1A)

*Here we go.
**Who: Stanley Pines (Season 1B)

*I am so on it, dude.
**Who: Soos Ramirez (Season 2A)

*If you've ever taken a road trip through the pacific northwest, you've probably seen a bumper sticker for a place called &quot;Gravity Falls&quot;. It's not on any maps, and most people have never heard of it, some people think it's a myth. But if you're curious, don't wait. Take a trip. Find it. It's out there, somewhere in the woods. Waiting.
**Who: Dipper Pines (Season 2B)
**Source: ''[[Gravity Falls]]'' (2012–2016)

===''Elinor Wonders Why''===
*Hello, baby tree!
**Who: Olive Elephant (Season 1A)
**Source: ''Elinor Wonders Why'' (2020-present)

*Yes! We need more observations! Salta, ranita, salta! ''[giggles]''
**Who: Elinor Rabbit (Season 1B)
**Source: ''Elinor Wonders Why'' (2020-present)

===''Star vs. the Forces of Evil''===
*I hope you found all the pieces to the wand.
**Who: Glossaryck (Season 1)

*I'm not a malady.
**Who: Ludo (Season 2A)

*Star! Hey! What do you mean--? ''[gasps]'' Star...?
**Who: Marco Diaz (Season 2B)

*My name is Metora.
**Who: Metora Butterfly (Season 3A)

*Hello, my love. We're home.
**Who: Eclipsa (Season 3B)

*Okay, you know, I will be waiting by the elevator.
**Who: Marco Diaz (Season 4A)

*Hi.
**Who: Star Butterfly (Season 4B)
**Source: ''[[Star vs. the Forces of Evil]]'' (2015-2019)

===''Ben 10''===
*And for Ben Tennyson, who didn't want the summer to end, he would come to realize that going back to school was merely another beginning.
**Who: Narrator
**Source: ''[[Ben 10 (2005 TV series)|Ben 10]]'' (2005-2008)
**Notes: The final episode of the original series, ''Goodbye and Good Riddance'', was retconned as non-canon in the sequel series.

*If he ever does, it's hero time!
**Who: Ben Tennyson
**Source: ''[[Ben 10: Alien Force]]'' (2008-2010)

*Two is plenty.
**Who: Doyle Blackwell
**Source: ''[[The Secret Saturdays]]'' (2008-2010)

*Perhaps for your eighteenth birthday.
**Who: Azmuth
**Source: ''[[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien]]'' (2010-2012)

*Gwen? Okay, fine, Gwen''dolyn'', you and Kevin pack your bags, we're going on a road trip!
**Who: Ben Tennyson
**Source: ''[[Ben 10: Omniverse]]'' (2012-2014)

*You know what that means, kiddos? Team Tennyson is back in business!
**Who: Grandpa Max Tennyson
**Source: ''[[Ben 10 (2017 TV series)|Ben 10]]'' (2017-2021)

===''The Berenstain Bears''===
*What about my kumquats? Oh, I love those kumquats.
**Who: Weasel McGreed
**Source: ''[[The Berenstain Bears (1985 TV series)|The Berenstain Bears]]'' (1985-1987)

*Anytime. Your tool belt will be right here waiting.
**Who: Papa Q. Bear
**Source: ''[[The Berenstain Bears (2003 TV series)|The Berenstain Bears]]'' (2003-2004)

===''Cow and Chicken''===
*Yeah! hold it, It was brilliant! Bravo! Get up, my little crab friends. Ow! oh, oh. Ow! oh, oh. Ha, ha, ha, ha! Easy with the pinchers. Ow! ow! oh. I did not have to bring you guys tonight! Looks like Red Guy always gets in the END! Ha, ha, ha, ha!
**Who: Red Guy
**Source: ''[[Cow and Chicken]]'' (1997-1999)

*It was Baboon all along and not me that everyone was watching. I am not a legend, I am a tool. Well, I guess it's dummies won, smart guys zero.
**Who: I.M Weasel
**Source: ''[[I Am Weasel]]'' (1997-2000)

===DC animated universe===
*It's okay, there'll be another time.
**Who: Batgirl
**Source: ''[[Batman: The Animated Series]]'' (1992-1995)

*One person at a time.
**Who: Lois Lane
**Source: ''[[Superman: The Animated Series]]'' (1996-2000)

*Guilty... guilty... guilty...
**Who: Two-Face
**Source: ''[[The New Batman Adventures]]'' (1997-1999)

*I'm coming.
**Who: Miguel Diaz 
**Source: ''[[Batman Beyond]]'' (1999-2001)

*Yeah, they can't get rid of ''us'' that easily.
**Who: Static
**Source: ''[[Static Shock]]'' (2000-2004)

*Don't worry, Zee, we'll find a way.
**Who: Ro Rowan 
**Source: ''[[The Zeta Project]]'' (2001-2002)

*I love you, too.
**Who: [[Green Lantern]] John Stewart
**Source: ''[[Justice League]]'' (2001-2004)

*And the adventure continues.
**Who: Wonder Woman
**Source: ''[[Justice League|Justice League Unlimited]]'' (2004-2006)

===DIC ''Mario'' Cartoons===
*Y'know, dearie, I've enjoyed your visit, but do me one favor: Next time, let me come and visit you!
**Who: Grandma Toadstool
**Source: ''[[The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!]]'' (1989)

*Yeah, but we couldn't have done it without our Toad!
**Who: Mario
**Source: ''[[The Adventures of Super Mario Bros. 3]]'' (1990)

*Good night. Mama Luigi.
**Who: Yoshi
**Source: ''[[Super Mario World (TV series)|Super Mario World]]'' (1991)

===''Digimon''===
*Our adventure in the Digital World might be over for now, but that gate won't stay closed forever. I have a feeling that this won't be the last time we see our pals, the Digimon! You wait and see. One day, that portal will open up again and we'll return to the Digital World! I wonder if Agumon will remember me? I know I'll never forget him, or the rest of the Digimon! None of us will!
**Who: Tai Kamiya
**Source: ''Digimon Adventure'' (1999-2000)

*So, you can see we're still having adventures. They're just a little different from the ones we used to have when we were kids. The darkness has not been conquered, and it will continue to fight against the light forever, but as long as people remember to follow their dreams, evil will be kept at bay. And on days like today, it's hard to see any darkness anywhere. Now it's up to our children, and to children everywhere, to follow their dreams. Who knows where they'll end up, but the only way to find out is to take that first step into adventure.
**Who: T.K. Takashi
**Source: ''Digimon Adventure 02'' (2000-2001)

*Even though I thought I would never be the same, the world soon went back to normal and after a while so did I. Life became exactly as it was before I met Guilmon. Kazu still made bad jokes and Miss Nami still gave too much homework. Sometimes I go by our old hangouts just to see if he's there. Don't know why I bother, 'cause he's never there. Most times I'm OK but there's this one thing that bugs me: a promise I made to a friend—a promise I don't think I can keep.
**Who: Takato Matsuki
**Source: ''Digimon Tamers'' (2001-2002)

*But even if I spent time with my family— or other friends or with our family or just hanging around not crying I'll be best friends with you guys forever!
**Who: The Digidestined
**Source: ''Digimon Frontier'' (2002-2003)

===''Dora the Explorer''===
*Gracias.
**Who: Dora Márquez
**Source: ''[[Dora the Explorer]]'' (2000-2019)
**Note: End of every episode catchphrase.

*Adios, amigos! See you soon!
**Who: Dora Márquez, Emma, Kate, Naiya, and Alana 
**Source: ''[[Dora and Friends: Into the City!]]'' (2014-2016)
**Note: End of every episode catchphrase.

*See you soon.
**Who: Alicia Márquez
**Source: ''[[Go, Diego, Go!]]'' (2005-2011)
**Note: End of every episode catchphrase.

===''Dragon Ball''===
*For the continued adventures of Goku and his friends, be sure to watch Dragon Ball Z!
**Who: Narrator
**Source: ''Dragon Ball'' (1986-1989)

*Young Uub has been taken in by the greatest warrior on the planet--Goku, the orphan who fell from the stars to become the savior of mankind. One thing is certain: as long as Goku lives, peace AND prosperity will reign.
**Who: Narrator
**Source: ''Dragon Ball Z'' (1989-1996)

*Til we meet again, guys!
**Who: Goku
**Source: ''Dragon Ball GT'' (1996-1997)

*Goku, please come home.
**Who: Narrator
**Source: ''Dragon Ball Z Kai'' (2010-2018)

*See you all again!
**Who: Narrator
**Source: ''Dragon Ball Super'' (2017-2019)

===''DuckTales''===
*Me wallet! Stop that thief! Don't let that sneak get away! Dijon!
**Who: Scrooge McDuck
**Source: ''[[DuckTales (1987 TV series)|DuckTales]]'' (1987-1990)

*Plenty more adventures where that came from, eh, lad? Now, where in blazes is that cocoa stand? I am freezing!
**Who: Scrooge McDuck (Season 1A)

*Boys?!
**Who: Della Duck (Season 1B)

*I'm home.
**Who: Della Duck (Season 2A)

*This has gone too far. The ducks almost cost us a world today. And, without the world, who would we larceny against? The pieces are finally in piece. Time to come out of the shadows, take control, and end Clan Mcduck. If the Mcduck family wants an adventure, we'll give them their last.
**Who: Chairman Bradford Buzzard/FOWL Agent (Season 2B)

*Woo-hoo!
**Who: Huey, Dewey, Louie, and Webby (Season 3A)

*Alright. That was close, Launchpad. Phew, almost ruined the tender family moment.
**Who: Launchpad McQuack (Season 3B)
**Source: ''[[DuckTales (2017 TV series)|DuckTales]]'' (2017-2021)

===''Fancy Nancy''===
*We here at the School De Fancy now sees that everyone has their own way of being fancy. And as long as it makes you happy...we think it's magnifique!
**Who: Nancy Clancy (Season 1)
**Source: ''Fancy Nancy'' (2018-2022)

*It sure feels magnifique to be home!
**Who: Nancy Clancy (Season 2)
**Source: ''Fancy Nancy'' (2018-2022)

*It's…magic. And the only thing more magical than Paris is famille. That's French for family.
**Who: Nancy Clancy (Season 3)
**Source: ''Fancy Nancy'' (2018-2022)

===''The Proud Family''===
*Come on, Puff!
**Who: Suga Mama (Season 1)
**Source: ''The Proud Family: Louder and Prouder'' (2022-present)

===''Infinity Train''===
*I'm ready for anything.
**Who: Tulip Olsen (Season 1)
**Source: ''[[Infinity Train]]'' (2019-2021)

*I wanted to be cool one time, just once. Nerd.
**Who: Jesse Cosay (Season 2)
**Source: ''[[Infinity Train]]'' (2019-2021)

*Guess we'll have to figure it out.
**Who: Grace Monroe (Season 3)
**Source: ''[[Infinity Train]]'' (2019-2021)

*We're...
*We're working on it.
**Who: Min-Gi Park and Ryan Akagi (Season 4)
**Source: ''[[Infinity Train]]'' (2019-2021)

===''Inspector Gadget''===
*I'll get you next time, Gadget! Just you wait!
**Who: Dr. Claw
**Source: ''[[Inspector Gadget]]'' (1982-1986)

===''The Lion King''===
*Oy.
**Who: [[w:Timon and Pumbaa|Timon]]
**Source: ''[[Timon &amp; Pumbaa (TV series)|Timon &amp; Pumbaa]]'' (1995-1999)

===''The Loud House''===
*Dang it!
**Who: Loud family (Season 1)
**Source: ''[[The Loud House]]'' (2016-present)

*Looks like we're getting the hang of not being so overprotective, huh, Howie? Howie? I'll get the smelling salts.
**Who: Harold McBride (Season 2)
**Source: ''[[The Loud House]]'' (2016-present)

*Ooh, I got one: hamburgers.
**Who: Leni Loud (Season 3)
**Source: ''[[The Loud House]]'' (2016-present)

*It's just till the end of the summer.
**Who: Lori Loud (Season 4)
**Source: ''[[The Loud House]]'' (2016-present)

*You got it! All right, everybody. Back to class, or it's a week's detention!
**Who: Rusty Spokes (Season 5)
**Source: ''[[The Loud House]]'' (2016-present)

*Ronnie Anne! That's my line!
**Who: Carlino Casagrande (Season 1)
**Source: ''[[The Casagrandes]]'' (2019-present)

*Thank you, Mr. President.
**Who: Ronnie Anne Santiago (Season 2)
**Source: ''[[The Casagrandes]]'' (2019-present)

===''Madagascar''===
*Even the problem, not our jurisdiction.
**Who: [[w:List_of_Madagascar_(franchise)_characters#Skipper|Skipper]]
**Source: ''[[The Penguins of Madagascar]]'' (2008-2015)

*Where are we?
**Who: [[w:List_of_Madagascar_(franchise)_characters#Alex|Alex]]
**Source: ''[[All Hail King Julien]]'' (2014-2017)

===''Marvel Animation Universe''===
*I made the show. Hulk Out. Bam, I said it. Hulk Out.
**Who: A-Bomb
**Source: ''[[Hulk and the Agents of S.M.A.S.H.]]'' (2013-2015)

*So, I guess this is it. But there's no need to get all sappy. I thought once I became the Ultimate Spider-Man, that would mean my work was done. But far from it. This isn't the end, this is only the beginning.
**Who: Spider-Man
**Source: ''[[Ultimate Spider-Man (TV series)|Ultimate Spider-Man]]'' (2012–2017)

===''My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic''===
*In fact, it’s made it...
*...the best night ever!
**Who: Mane Six and Spike (Season 1)
**Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019)

*Oh, yeah? Just wait until you see what I have planned for the bachelor party!
**Who: Spike (Season 2)
**Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019)

*Yes! Everything's gonna be just fine!
**Who: Twilight Sparkle (Season 3)
**Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019)

*Yes, well, I suppose not.
**Who: Discord (Season 4)
**Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019)

*Wonder what she's dreaming about now.
**Who: Spike (Season 5A)
**Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019)

*Starting is easy. All you have to do is make a friend; and you've got ''seven'' of them right here.
**Who: Twilight Sparkle (Season 5B)
**Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019)

*Friendship lessons can happen...anywhere.
**Who: Starlight Glimmer (Season 6A)
**Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019)

*Somepony is really gonna have to catch us up on what we missed.
**Who: Rainbow Dash (Season 6B)
**Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019)

*Seriously, this is heavy.
**Who: Pinkie Pie (Season 7A)
**Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019)

*It's funny. I thought meeting my idol would give me all the answers I ever wanted. But instead, I forgot what I already knew. Good thing I had a student of my own to remind me.
**Who: Twilight Sparkle (Season 7B)
**Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019)

*Gotcha! Maybe I'm not such a bad actress after all.
**Who: Princess Celestia (Season 8A)
**Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019)

*Hey, neighbor. Wanna be friends?
**Who: Cozy Glow (Season 8B)
**Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019)

*Nicely done.
**Who: Princess Celestia (Season 9A)
**Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019)

*That's all right, because I know exactly where to send you.
**Who: Future Twilight Sparkle (Season 9B)
**Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019)

===''Green Eggs and Ham''===
*That's why we should get going!
**Who: Sam-I-Am (Season 1)
**Source: ''Green Eggs and Ham'' (2019-2022)

*Yes! She loves it! That is good news!
**Who: Sam-I-Am (Season 2)
**Source: ''Green Eggs and Ham'' (2019-2022)

===''Rugrats''===
*Happy Birthday, Kimi!
**Who: Chuckie Finster
**Source: ''[[Rugrats]]'' (1991-2004)

*&quot;Gotcha&quot;!?
**Who: Tommy Pickles
**Source: ''[[All Grown Up!]]'' (2003-2008)

*Well look, class! Our friend Mr. Sun has come to say hello! Isn't it wonderful? And we're all back to our happy happy happy selves!
**Who: Miss Weemer
**Source: ''[[Rugrats Pre-School Daze]]'' (2008)

===''Steven Universe''===
*Yes, please!
**Who: Pearl
**Source: ''[[Steven Universe]]'' (2013-2019)

*Bye!
**Who: Pearl
**Source: ''[[Steven Universe Future]]'' (2019-2020)

===''Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles''===
*Except Donatello's cooking.
**Who: [[w:Raphael (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Raphael]]
**Source: ''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1987 TV series)|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]]'' (1987-1996)

*Yeah! Ha-ha-ha!
**Who: [[w:Michelangelo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Michelangelo]]
**Source: ''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003 TV series)|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]]'' (2003-2009)

*We are home.
**Who: [[w:Raphael (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Raphael]]
**Source: ''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012 TV series)|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]]'' (2012-2017)

*Wait, what?
**Who: [[w:Leonardo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Leonardo]]
**Source: ''[[Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]]'' (2018-2020)

===''Tiny Toon Adventures''===
*Season's Greetings!
**Who: [[w:List_of_Tiny_Toon_Adventures_characters#Gogo Dodo|Gogo Dodo]]
**Source: ''[[Tiny Toon Adventures]]'' (1990-1992)

*Parting is such sweet sorrow.
**Who: [[w:List_of_Tiny_Toon_Adventures_characters#Plucky Duck|Plucky Duck]]
**Source: ''[[The Plucky Duck Show]]'' (1992)

===''Total Drama''===
*At least things can only go up from here. [sighs] Of course.
**Who: Dave
**Source: ''[[Total Drama]]'' (2007-2014)

* Yes. Throw all your money on the ground. Very smart. That's all for now, we hope we enjoyed our incredible race around the world. Be sure to keep an eye out for more of ''The Ridonculous Race''.
**Who: Don
**Source: ''[[Total Drama Presents: The Ridonculous Race]]'' (2015)

===''Transformers''===
*We shall see, Galvatron. We shall see.
**Who: Zarak
**Source: ''[[Transformers: Generation 1|The Transformers]]'' (1984-1987)

*Waspinator happy at last.
**Who: Waspinator
**Source: ''[[Beast Wars|Beast Wars: Transformers]]'' (1996-1999)

*He's with us, Rattrap. As long as Cybertron is alive, Optimus lives on. In our hearts and our memories. As well Megatron had also played a grand role in the vital scheme. The vision from the Oracle has come to pass. Optimus has finally achieved his mission.
**Who: Cheetor
**Source: ''[[Beast Machines|Beast Machines: Transformers]]'' (1999-2000)

*''Who's the smartest shark around?/Who's the coolest shark in town?/Sky-Byte, that's me!'' Ha!
**Who: Sky-Byte
**Source: ''[[Transformers: Robots in Disguise (2001)|Transformers: Robots in Disguise]]'' (2001-2002)

*The war between the Autobots and the Decepticons has come to an end, and without the hatred between the two sides, there was no evil to feed Unicron, and he became powerless. Both Unicron and Megatron scattered into the far reaches of the universe. As for me, my purpose has been served. Cybertron is safe and Transformers live in peace with the Mini-Cons. So the next time you look out into space and see a peaceful star far, far away, it just might be Cybertron. TRANSFORM!
**Who: Optimus Prime
**Source: ''[[Transformers: Armada]]'' (2002-2003)

*Check it out, Ironhide. That's our future out there.
**Who: Kicker Jones
**Source: ''[[Transformers: Energon]]'' (2004-2005)

*Fire up the engines to full throttle! We have a course set to the far reaches of the universe, and it's time to go! Courage, hope for the future, and teamwork—our adventure will continue as long as we remember the words of Primus: 'Til all are one! TRANSFORM!!!
**Who: Optimus Prime and everybody
**Source: ''[[Transformers: Cybertron]]'' (2005-2006)

*That would be the easy way out, Megatron. You don't deserve it.
**Who: Optimus Prime
**Source: ''[[Transformers Animated]]'' (2007-2009)

*Until we meet again, old friend.
**Who: Optimus Prime
**Source: ''[[Transformers: Prime]]'' (2010-2013)

*I want to get a picture of my heroes.
**Who: Chief Charlie Burns
**Source: ''[[Transformers: Rescue Bots]]'' (2011-2016)

*Saved by the howl. Autobots, let's rev up and roll out.
**Who: Bumblebee
**Source: ''[[Transformers: Robots in Disguise (2015)|Transformers: Robots in Disguise]]'' (2015-2017)

===''Unikitty!''===

*Nice job, Bat-team.
**Who: Unikitty (Season 1)
**Source: ''[[Unikitty!]]'' (2017-2020)

*Happens to the festival, Amigo.
**Who: Dunklecorn (Season 2)
**Source: ''[[Unikitty!]]'' (2017-2020)

*Nice.
**Who: One of the Two Astronauts (Season 3)
**Source: ''[[Unikitty!]]'' (2017-2020)

===''[[Winx Club]]''===
*Listen. Whatever it is you choose to do, I want you to know that you're not alone.
**Who: Sky (Cinélume, Season 1)
*To next year!
**Who: Alfea students (4Kids, Season 1)

*Mirta!
**Who: Bloom (Cinélume, Season 2)
*Wait for us!
**Who: Bloom (4Kids, Season 2)

*Yes, I think I'm ready. Mom, dad, I feel like were going to meet very, very soon.
**Who: Bloom (Cinélume, Season 3)
*I think I'm ready. Mom, Dad, I feel like we're going to meet really soon.
**Who: Bloom (4Kids, Season 3)
*I ''am'' ready. Mom, Dad, I have a feeling we're going to meet very, very soon.
**Who: Bloom (Atlas Oceanic, Season 3)

*Your journey on the path of magic also passes through Gardenia. Now off you go, you're on in a minute!
**Who: Faragonda (Cinélume, Season 4)
*A fairy's magical journey includes all her dreams and passions. Now off you go, show me what you've got, girls!
**Who: Faragonda (Atlas Oceanic, Season 4)

*Best little sister in the known universe!
**Who: Daphne (Season 5)

*Thanks, cuz.
**Who: Thoren (Season 6)

*Even the smallest creature can play a key role in the destiny of all the worlds.
**Who: Bloom (Season 7)

*Winx forever!
**Who: Stella (Season 8)

*There is not enough room for fairies and witches on Earth!
**Who: Venomya/Baba Yaga
**Source: ''[[World of Winx]]'' (2016-2017)
**Note: Ended after two seasons with no resolution due to the crew returning to the original show.

==See also==
* [[First lines in animated TV shows]]

[[Category:Last lines|Animated]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows|*]]</text>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="53966" xml:space="preserve">==Animated TV shows==
* You're coming with me, punk!
**Who: Ron the Rent-a-Cop
**Source: ''[[6teen]]'' (2004-2010)

*Oh yeah!
**Who: Shermy
**Source: ''[[Adventure Time]]'' (2010-2018)

*Being Choose Goose is no lark... especially now that I'm turning dark.
**Who: Choose Goose
**Source: ''[[Adventure Time: Distant Lands]]'' (2020-2021)

*That's right, be afraid! Be very afraid! And tell all your cold-blooded friends there's plenty more where that came from!
**Who: Baby Eddie
**Source: ''[[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius]]'' (2002-2006)

*Oh no. It's started.
**Who: Rob
**Source: ''[[The Amazing World of Gumball]]'' (2011-2019)

*Trust me. There's something magical about you too.
**Who: Jake Long
**Source: ''[[American Dragon: Jake Long]]'' (2005-2007)
**Notes: The closing credits to this episode views clips from the show's previous episodes.

* I am... I... I think as we are very tired, we should go down to the pond for a drink. Then we'll go back to our nests and burrows and sleep. We can explore our big new park tomorrow. And then we will plan how to live together in perfect peace and harmony. In the true spirits of Farthing Wood.
**Who: Plucky
**Source: ''[[The Animals of Farthing Wood (TV series)|The Animals of Farthing Wood]]'' (1993-1995)

*Mechana can we do it?
*We Animal Mechanical can!
**Who: Animal Mechanicals
**Source: ''[[Animal Mechanicals]]'' (2007-2011)
**Note: End of every episode catchphrase.

*We still got a few seconds left. Let's do a joke. Let's do like, a joke or something.
**Who: Meatwad
**Source: ''[[Aqua Teen Hunger Force]]'' (2000-2015)

*&quot;Chapter one: how I got my very first pair of glasses…&quot;
**Who: Adult Arthur
**Source: ''[[Arthur (TV series)|Arthur]]'' (1996-2022)

*Well, I think you all look ''perfect''.
**Who: Toph Beifong
** Source: ''[[Avatar: The Last Airbender]]'' (2005-2008)

*You wanted to know how history will remember the Avengers, Iron Man? Well, here's your answer.
**Who: Captain America
**Source: ''[[The Avengers: Earth's Mightiest Heroes]]'' (2010-2013)

*Where shall I begin?
**Who: [[w:Babar the Elephant|King Babar]]
**Source: ''[[Babar (TV series)|Babar]]'' (1989-2000)

*Fine, but don't blame me if dinner is late! I'd like to see you cook a meal in your arms where your legs should be! Maybe I'll go on the Goraldo Show, he'll believe me about the aliens! I can't find my tush!
**Who: Nora Beady
**Source: ''[[Back at the Barnyard]]'' (2007-2011)

*Mini-muffin?
**Who: Tasha and Austin
**Source: ''[[The Backyardigans]]'' (2004-2010)

*Nice try.
**Who: Batman
**Source: ''[[The Batman]]'' (2004-2008)

*A great run. And until we meet again boys and girls, know that wherever evil lurks in all its myriad forms, I'll be there with the hammers of justice to fight for decency, and defend the innocent. Goodnight.
**Who: Batman
**Source: ''[[Batman: The Brave and the Bold]]'' (2008-2011)

*I love you too, son. This message will self-destruct in 3...2...1...
**Who: [[w:Fred Jones (Scooby-Doo)|Fred Jones]] (reading a letter from his father)
**Source: ''[[Be Cool, Scooby-Doo!]]'' (2015-2018)

*P2, going down.
**Who: Elevator Announcer
**Source: ''[[Beavis and Butt-head]]'' (1993-97; 2011)

*Bravo, Batman. Checkmate. Shall we play again?
**Who: Anarky
**Source: ''[[Beware the Batman]]'' (2013-2014)

*Ba-a-la-la-la-la.
**Who: Baymax
**Source: ''[[Big Hero 6: The Series]]'' (2017-2021)

*Welcome to Taco Shack. May I take your order?
**Who: Taco Shack Employee
**Source: ''[[Billy Dilley's Super-Duper Subterranean Summer]]'' (2017)
**Note: Cancelled after one season due to poor ratings.

*Riley, run!
**Who: Huey Freeman
**Source: ''[[The Boondocks]]'' (2005-2014)

*Yeah. This is nice.
**Who: BoJack Horseman
**Source: ''[[BoJack Horseman]]'' (2014-2020)

*Never mind, I can't wait.
**Who: Brandy Harrington
**Source: ''[[Brandy &amp; Mr. Whiskers]]'' (2004-2006)

*Yup, yup! Let us swim to freedom!
**Who: Buhdeuce
**Source: ''[[Breadwinners]]'' (2014-2016)

*I'm stuck in a tree!
**Who: Bunsen
**Source: ''[[Bunsen Is a Beast]]'' (2017-2018)
**Note: Series cancelled after one season due to declining ratings and Butch Hartman leaving Nickelodeon.

*Okay, Who's up for cupcake?
**Who: Pupert Pesky
**Source: ''[[The Buzz on Maggie]]'' (2005-2006)

*Sometimes change is good. Having a new teacher turned out to be a lot of fun.
**Who: Narrator
**Source: ''[[Caillou]]'' (1997-2010)

*Please tell me we go home alone with her?
**Who: McGee
**Source: ''[[Camp Lakebottom]]'' (2013-2017)

*Okay. I think it's just officially got to the point where it can't get any weirder.
**Who: Samson
*(in-credits:) Uh, yeah... okay. 
**Who: Stanley
**Source: ''[[Camp Lazlo]]'' (2005-2008)

*Yeah! Woo-hoo!
**Who: Nick and Sally
**Source: ''The Cat In The Hat Knows A Lot About That!'' (2011-2018)

*Stop it, Zouzou. You're suppose to be a watch dog, not a kiss dog! ''[laughs]''
**Who: Charley
**Source: ''[[Charley and Mimmo]]'' (1999-2002)

*I have saved a fucking gorilla today, I also talked a very special idiot out of willing himself dead, and now, just because I'm too hairy in some places and too bald in other places, you can't find it in your putrid little heart to want to get to know me sexually? [Laughs sarcastically] What's wrong with me? What is wrong with you? I am magical!
**Who: Frank
**Source: ''[[China, IL]]'' (2011-2015)

*Babies, no! Put Scraps down!
**Who: Adult Chowder
*(post-credits:) Oh, radda.
**Who: Shnitzel
**Source: ''[[Chowder (TV series)|Chowder]]'' (2007-2010)

*Yes!
**Who: Clarence Wendle
**Source: ''[[Clarence (American TV series)|Clarence]]'' (2014-2018)

*Enjoy the moment, Jay. For the future is no longer foretold.
**Who: Cronus
**Source: ''[[Class of the Titans]]'' (2005-2008)

*What?! This is your fault!
**Who: Lil' D
**Source: ''[[Class of 3000]]'' (2006-2008)

*We are dumb.
**Who: Donna Tubbs-Brown
**Source: ''[[The Cleveland Show]]'' (2009-2013)
**Note: Ended after four seasons due to declining ratings.

*Hello? Yeah. We told him everything he wanted to hear. We'll meet you in the moonbase, okay? Oh! And Numbuh 1... Welcome back.
**Who: Adult Abigail Lincoln (Numbuh 5)
*(post-credits:) Stay young.
**Who: None
**Source: ''[[Codename: Kids Next Door]]'' (2002-2008)
**Notes: The final credits roll with a short montage of every episode from beginning to finish, ending with a picture of Sector V looking at the sunset outside the treehouse with the actual final lines read above them, &quot;Stay Young&quot;.

*What more could a bear ask for?
**Who: [[w:Corduroy (book)|Corduroy]]
**Source: ''[[Corduroy (TV series)|Corduroy]]'' (2000-2001)

*Perfect!
**Who: The Perfectionist (offscreen)
**Source: ''[[Courage the Cowardly Dog]]'' (1996-2002)

*That's right, Cubix. We're friends. Friends forever.
**Who: Connor
**Source: ''[[Cubix: Robots for Everyone]]'' (2001-2003)

*Thanks, Dan.
**Who: Little Chris
**Source: ''[[Dan Vs.]]'' (2011-2013)

*Cool statue. Personally, I would've used recycled materials, but, you know, that's just me.
**Who: Sam Manson
**Source: ''[[Danny Phantom]]'' (2004-2007)

*I take it back.
**Who: Jane
**Source: ''[[Daria]]'' (1997-2002)

*Come on, Eep. The moon's looking at me funny again. We need to go smash his face!
**Who: Grug Crood
**Source: ''[[Dawn of the Croods]]'' (2015-2017)

*I can do anything with my best friends on my side.
**Who: Dottie &quot;Doc&quot; McStuffins
**Source: ''[[Doc McStuffins]]'' (2012-2020)

*Oh yeah. Hehehe. Anybody wanna dance?
**Who: Donkey Kong
**Source: ''[[Donkey Kong Country]]'' (1998-2000)

*It's a perfect name!
**Who: Enrique
**Source: ''[[Dragon Tales]]'' (1999-2005)

*Hey, assholes, thanks for watching!
**Who: [[w:List of Drawn Together characters#Toot Braunstein|Toot Braunstein]]
**Source: ''[[Drawn Together]]'' (2004-2007)

*First one inside gets to give him mouth to mouth!
**Who: Lee
*(post-credits:) It's the end of the movie? What movie?
**Who: Jonny
**Source: ''[[Ed Edd n Eddy]]'' (1999-2009)

*Familia forever!
**Who: El Tigre
**Source: ''[[El Tigre: The Adventures of Manny Rivera]]'' (2007-2008)

*I am.
**Who: Elena
**Source: ''[[Elena of Avalor]]'' (2016-2020)

*Remember, friends help friends solve problems. See you next time! 
**Who: [[w:Elliot Moose|Elliot Moose]]
**Source: ''[[Elliot Moose (TV series)|Elliot Moose]]'' (1998-2000)

*Hmm. Maybe being emperor won't be so bad after all.
**Who: Kuzco
*(post-credits:) KUZCO!!
**Who: Yzma
**Source: ''[[The Emperor's New School]]'' (2006-2008)

*Happy Friendaversary!
**Who: [[w:Timmy Tiberius Turner|Timmy Turner]] and Chloe Carmichael
**Source: ''[[The Fairly OddParents|The Fairly OddParents!]]'' (2001-2017)
**Note: Ended after ten seasons due to Butch Hartman leaving Nickelodeon and due to declining ratings.

*Oh.
**Who: Ruff Ruffman
*I love you guys!
**Who: Emmie Atwood
**Source: ''[[Fetch! with Ruff Ruffman]]'' (2006-2010)

*I'm king of the world! King of the world!
**Who: Milo Fishtooth
**Source: ''[[Fish Hooks]]'' (2010-2014)

*Okay, bye doggies!
**Who: Cheese
**Source: ''[[Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends]]'' (2004-2009)

*Come on, Franklin.
**Who: Beaver
**Source: ''[[Franklin (TV series)|Franklin]]'' (1997-2004)

*You're an evil man!
**Who: Norm Abram
**Source: ''[[Freakazoid!]]'' (1995-1997)

*What a great day!
**Who: Kiki
**Source: ''[[Fresh Beat Band of Spies]]'' (2014-2016)

*I do.
**Who: Leela
**Source: ''[[Futurama]]'' (2008-2013)

*Welcome home, Goliath. Welcome home.
**Who: Elisa Maza
**Source: ''[[Gargoyles (TV series)|Gargoyles]]'' (1994–1996)

*One thousand years ago, we lived in a world that understood our purpose. It was the age of Gargoyles. Ten centuries later, we awoke to a world bent on our destruction. Somehow, we never lost hope, and today we come full circle. A new age has begun, and we live again.
**Who: Goliath
**Source: ''[[Gargoyles (TV series)#Season 3 (The Goliath Chronicles) -- (Non-Cannon)|Gargoyles: The Goliath Chronicles]]'' (1996–1997)

*Yes, there is.
**Who: Agent Six
**Source: ''[[Generator Rex]]'' (2010-2013)

*Knowing Razer, I'd say he's got a pretty good shot.
**Who: Hal Jordan
**Source: ''[[Green Lantern: The Animated Series]]'' (2011-2013)

*Thanks for coming out, everyone!
**Who: Cory Riffin, Kin Kujira, Kon Kujira, and Laney Penn
**Source: ''[[Grojband]]'' (2013-2015)

*Yeah. You found each other. When a friend comes into your life, it changes you a little. They challenge you. They make you laugh. They make you stronger. Each person gives you a gift. A special part of them that you keep forever. It's like they're always with you.
**Who: Irving Beaks
**Source: ''[[Harvey Beaks]]'' (2015-2017)

*He's never gonna hear the end of it.
**Who: Rhonda
**Source: ''[[Hey Arnold!]]'' (1996-2004)

*Sorry, I didn't mean-- I'd take it back! Mmm, charred marshmallow flesh. Whoa! N-n-no! I didn't say that. No, it wasn't me. That wasn't someone, who else? Get off this ship, you're not welcome.
**Who: Nerville
**Source: ''[[The High Fructose Adventures of Annoying Orange]]'' (2012-2014)

*Oh, she's the most beautiful creature I've ever seen. This is the life...or more less.
**Who: Kaz Harada
**Source: ''[[Hi Hi Puffy AmiYumi]]'' (2004-2006)

*That's a wrap!
**Who: Father Time
**Source: ''[[Histeria!]]'' (1998-2000)

*I feels very at home.
**Who: Oh
**Source: ''[[Home: Adventures with Tip &amp; Oh]]'' (2016-2018)

*I could go for tapas…
**Who: Brendan
**Source: ''[[Home Movies (TV series)|Home Movies]]'' (1999-2004)

*Oh, Mickey!
**Who: Minnie Mouse
**Source: ''[[w:House of Mouse|House of Mouse]]'' (2001-2003)

*I love you too, Bertie!
**Who: Arlo Beauregard
**Source: ''I Heart Arlo'' (2021)

*Get out of the house of Zim! This is my house, get out! Get-
**Who: Zim
**Source: ''[[Invader Zim]]'' (2001-2006)

*Why not?! You weren't using it! You're always﻿ too busy fighting wizards!
**Who: Drago
**Source: ''[[Jackie Chan Adventures]]'' (2000-2005)

*That was brilliant! Thank ye, mates! See you next time!
**Who: John Darling
**Source: ''[[Jake and the Never Land Pirates]]'' (2011-2016)

*You're wrong Mr. Teacherman, this is Porkbelly. Where we make our own history.
**Who: [[w:List_of_Johnny_Test_characters#Johnny Test|Johnny Test]]
**Source: ''[[Johnny Test]]'' (2005-2014)

*You bet, pal!
**Who: Kick Buttowski
**Source: ''[[Kick Buttowski: Suburban Daredevil]]'' (2010-2012)
**Note: Cancelled after two seasons due to poor ratings.

*I told you graduation wasn't the end of the world.
**Who: Kim Possible
*(post-credits) Glad you asked! Funny story - not funny &quot;ha-ha&quot;. But, it was a Tuesday...
**Who: Dr. Drakken
**Source: ''[[Kim Possible]]'' (2002-2007)

*Yup!
**Who: Hank Hill
**Source: ''[[King of the Hill]]'' (1997-2010)

*Duck!
**Who: Arnold
**Source: ''[[Kipper (TV series)|Kipper]]'' (1997-2000)

*Hey everybody, Let's hear it for the Dragon Warrior! Huzzah, huzzah...
**Who: Lu Kang and the citizens
**Source: ''[[Kung Fu Panda: Legends of Awesomeness]]'' (2011-2016)

*There you go!
**Who: Littlefoot
**Source: ''[[The Land Before Time (TV series)|The Land Before Time]]'' (2007-2008)

*Sounds perfect.
**Who: Korra
**Source: ''[[The Legend of Korra]]'' (2012-2014)

*Now is a time of celebration. We have won a great victory. But when the glow has faded, we must remember the cost, and we must be forever vigilant. The message of hate that Mordred carried will come again with a different name, a different face. But as long as we keep the ideals of Camelot alive in our hearts, we will prevail. Long live honor, and justice. Long live goodness, and truth. Long live... Camelot!
**Who: King Arthur
**Source: ''[[The Legend of Prince Valiant]]'' (1991-1993)

*Evil does not die. It evolves.
**Who: Brainiac 6
**Source: ''[[Legion of Super Heroes]]'' (2006-2008)

*I love you too, Stitch.
**Who: Lilo Pelekai
**Source: ''[[Lilo &amp; Stitch: The Series]]'' (2003-2006)

*Little Bill, who are you talking to?
**Who: Brenda Glover
**Source: ''[[Little Bill]]'' (1999-2004)

*I can't believe they canceled our show and put this on instead.
**Who: Lulu Moppet
**Source: ''[[The Little Lulu Show]]'' (1995-1999)

*Someday, kiddo. Someday.
**Who: Roger Baxter
**Source: ''[[Littlest Pet Shop (2012 TV series)|Littlest Pet Shop]]'' (2012-2016)
**Note: Cancelled due to poor toy sales. Succeeded by the reboot ''A World Of Our Own''.

*And who you all think should be the most valuable player?
**Who: Floyd Minton
*''[cheering]'' PETUNIA!!!
**Who: Baby Bugs, Baby Lola, Baby Taz, Baby Daffy, Baby Melissa, Baby Tweety, and Baby Sylvester
*Yay!!!
**Who: Baby Tweety
**Source: ''Baby Looney Tunes'' (2001-2005)
**Note: Canceled due to poor ratings and negative reviews. It was succeeded by ''[[The Looney Tunes Show]]'' in 2011.

*Ain't I a stinker?
**Who: Bugs Bunny as Batman
*And that's the end.
**Who: [[w:Bugs Bunny|Bugs Bunny]] (Post-credits)
**Source: ''[[The Looney Tunes Show]]'' (2011-2014)

*I just call &quot;dibs&quot; on his fish flakes.
**Who: A fish
**Source: ''[[Mad (TV series)|MAD]]'' (2010-2013)

*Hooray for Maggie!
**Who: Beast, Hamilton Hocks, Rudy, Nedley, and the Jellybean Team
**Source: ''[[Maggie and the Ferocious Beast]]'' (2000-2002)

*Yut is pleased by attention!
**Who: Mister Yut 
**Source: ''Littlest Pet Shop: A World of Our Own'' (2018-19)
**Note: Cancelled after one season.

*Leave me alone, or I will call my fiend back!
**Who: Vendetta
**Source: ''[[Making Fiends (TV series)|Making Fiends]]'' (2008)

*I'm the luckiest one here. I have two families! Now about that turkey...
**Who: Martha
**Source: ''[[Martha Speaks (TV series)|Martha Speaks]]'' (2008-2014)

*The president cut the strings shorter. Only one foot long! Much safer for everyone.
**Who: Peg
*Definitely! 
**Who: Cat
**Source: ''Peg + Cat'' (2014-2018)

*I guess we will, baby. I guess we will.
**Who: Bubbie
**Source: ''[[The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack]]'' (2008-2010)

*So even though things didn't go exactly like they were supposed to, that matinee turned out to be one of our best shows ever. Now that's teamwork. What can I say, Mom and Dad? We're a real class act. 
**Who: Eddy Largo
**Source: ''[[Marvin the Tap-Dancing Horse]]'' (2000-2002)

*Max! You and your gumball spitting spider gave us what we wanted. A big...
**Who: Ruby
*Finish!
**Who: Max
**Source: ''[[Max &amp; Ruby]]'' (2003-2019)

*It's a funny thing about making a commitment. Even though sometimes you don't want to follow through. Once you do, you're glad you did.
**Who: Maya Santos
**Source: ''[[Maya &amp; Miguel]]'' (2004-2007)

*Now, let's see what kind of new stuff the evil me put in Megas. Woo! Yeah, Wah-hoo! Yeah! Wa, ha, ha!
**Who: Harold &quot;Coop&quot; Cooplowski
**Source: ''[[Megas XLR]]'' (2004-2005)

*I believe that you would, Slick. Now how about a hand?
**Who: Agent K
**Source: ''[[Men in Black: The Series]]'' (1997-2001)

*See you real soon!
**Who: Mickey Mouse
**Note: Catchphrase that ends every episode of Season 1.
*Aw, thanks for stopping by!
**Who: Mickey Mouse
**Note: Catchphrase that ends almost every episode of Seasons 2-4.
*Good night, everybody.
**Who: Mickey Mouse
**Source: ''[[Mickey Mouse Clubhouse]]'' (2006-2016)
**Note: Official last line of the series, because the series got cancelled after four seasons due to poor ratings. It was succeeded by ''Mickey and the Roadster Racers''.

*Oh, Haps! I don't know if you can see from your side, but I just skywrote 'Bessie and Happy BFFAEAE' and it looks really great!
**Who: Bessie Higgenbottom
**Source: ''[[The Mighty B!]]'' (2008-2011)

*Don't worry about it.
**Who: Witchy Simone
**Source: ''[[Mighty Magiswords]]'' (2016-2019)

*I think we're gonna need a new ship.
**Who: Milo Murphy
**Source: ''[[Milo Murphy's Law]]'' (2016-2019)
**Note: Either on hiatus or cancelled after two seasons due to poor ratings. 

*Weddings, Priya. They do something to you.
**Who: Mira
**Source: ''Mira, Royal Detective'' (2020-2022)

*Y'see? Sometimes one small Mixel is all it takes. Yup, Mixopolis is my town. And always will be.
**Who: Booger
**Source: ''[[Mixels]]'' (2014-2016)

*Okay, going for the triple bonus.
**Who: President Hathaway
**Source: ''[[w:Monsters vs. Aliens (TV series)|Monsters vs. Aliens]]'' (2013-2014)

*Today's Christmas sermon is about family. What is family? Well, a lot of times, family is just a bunch of people who are forced to be together just because they came out of each other — but every so often...a miracle happens. A loving family, just like that, out of nowhere. Now, what causes this — a belief in God, a strong moral structure, blind luck? Who knows, who cares? Ah, you're not gonna get any answers out of me. I'm just a puppet for the Big Guy. I don't write this stuff. The end — I mean, Amen. Nah, who am I kidding? The End.
**Who: Reverend &quot;Rod&quot; Putty
**Source: ''[[Moral Orel]]'' (2005-2008)

*Oh, freak me out! This is craziness! (US version)
*Leave me alone, you ticklish pest! (UK version)
**Who: Mr. Bump
**Source: ''[[The Mr. Men Show]]'' (2008-2009)

*See you later, friends. And thanks for all the laughs.
**Who: Kermit
**Source: ''[[Muppet Babies (2018 TV series)|Muppet Babies]]'' (2018-2022)

*Thanks.
**Who: Thunder
**Source: ''[[My Friend Rabbit]]'' (2007-2008)

*Uh-oh.
**Who: Adam Lyon
**Source: ''[[My Gym Partner's a Monkey]]'' (2005-2008)

*Jenny, did you forget to feed the tiger?
**Who: Nora
**Source: ''[[My Life as a Teenage Robot]]'' (2003-2009)

*Monkey King!
**Who: Kai-Lan, Hoho, Tolee, and Rintoo
**Source: ''[[Ni Hao, Kai-Lan]]'' (2007-2011)

*Thank you for watching the show!
**Who: K.O.
**Source: ''[[OK K.O.! Let's Be Heroes]]'' (2017-2019)

*Good night, Olivia. Time for bed, William!
**Who: Mom
**Source: ''[[Olivia]]'' (2009-2013)

*''(translation)'' Phase one is complete, 807612r-B9. Commence Phase two?
**Who: The Guardian
**Source: ''[[Penn Zero: Part-Time Hero]]'' (2014-2017)

*Yes. Yes we do.
**Who: Phineas Flynn
**Source: ''[[Phineas and Ferb]]'' (2007-2015)

*Poppets away!
**Who: Blooter, Patty, and Bobby
**Source: ''[[Poppets Town]]'' (2008-2009)

*Not just yet. My person calls. I'll see you in the morning. And I'll be on time, I promise. But I'm not skipping breakfast. Because believe me, breakfast with Dot, it's the most important meal of my day.
**Who: Lucky
**Source: ''[[Pound Puppies (2010 TV series)|Pound Puppies]]'' (2010-2013)

*Make a run of yourselves! I'm running away!
**Who: Alfe
**Source: ''[[The Problem Solverz]]'' (2011-2013)

*Nobody ever listens to me.
**Who: Zak
**Source: ''[[Rabbids Invasion]]'' (2013-2017)

*I love you, Rapunzel.
**Who: [[w:Flynn Rider|Eugene Fitzherbert]]
**Source: ''[[Rapunzel's Tangled Adventure]]'' (2017-2020)

*Attention. As you are no doubt aware, the Principal Office is now under my complete control. You're probably looking forward to one of my erudite speeches about me, Megaframe, the new viral dawn, et cetera et cetera. But I'm afraid I'm going to have to disappoint you. There is no grand scheme here. This is about revenge. Viruses are predatory by design, and it is time for me to follow my function. Prepare yourselves... for the hunt!
**Who: Megabyte
**Source: ''[[ReBoot]]'' (1994-2001)
**Note: Ended after four seasons with no resolution.

*Jolly good show.
**Who: Pops Maellard
**Source: ''[[Regular Show]]'' (2010-2017)

*Aw, raggy!
**Who: Stimpy
**Source: ''[[The Ren &amp; Stimpy Show]]'' (1991-1996)

*Always, sis. Always.
**Who: Todd Daring
**Source: ''[[The Replacements (TV series|The Replacements]]'' (2006-2009)

*And we're cancelled.
**Who: Dog
**Source: ''[[Right Now Kapow]]'' (2016-2017)

*No... Ashi...
**Who: Jack
**Source: ''[[Samurai Jack]]'' (2001-2004; 2017)

*Yeah!
**Who: Sanjay Patel, Craig Slithers, Megan Sparkles, Hector Flanagan, Ronnie Slithers, and Tuff Fist
**Source: ''[[Sanjay and Craig]]'' (2013-2016)

*I'm happy you're home too, Sofia.
**Who: Princess Amber
**Source: ''[[Sofia the First]]'' (2012-2018)

*Don't apologize. I never do.
**Who: Norman Osborn
**Source: ''[[The Spectacular Spider-Man (TV series)|The Spectacular Spider-Man]]'' (2008-2009)

*Hip hip hooray! The Super Readers saved the day!
**Who: Whyatt Beanstalk
**Source: ''[[Super Why!]]'' (2007-2016)
**Note: End of every episode catchphrase.

*Then let's do this together.
**Who: Adora/She-Ra
**Source: ''[[She-Ra and the Princesses of Power]]'' (2018-2020)

*It was an accident, and accident!
**Who: Eric Needles
**Source: ''[[Sidekick (TV series)|Sidekick]]'' (2010-2013)

*Well, there's always next season.
**Who: Dr. Eggman
**Source: ''[[Sonic Boom (TV series)]]'' (2014-2017)

*Game over butt-nik!
**Who: Sonic
**Source: ''[[Sonic Underground]]'' (1999)

*I may have been small today, but it turned out to be the biggest day of my life.
**Who: Oso
**Source: ''[[Special Agent Oso]]'' (2009-2012)

*Kimmy? Uh, hello? Kimmy. Umm... Kimmy?
**Who: Amber
**Source: ''[[Sym-Bionic Titan]]'' (2010-2011)

*Umifriend, we couldn't have done it without you!
**Who: Milli
**Notes: Those are the last spoken words on every episode in Season 1.
*I feel a celebration coming on!
**Who: Bot
**Source: ''[[Team Umizoomi]]'' (2010-2015)
**Notes: Those are the last spoken words on every episode (starting with the second season), the actual last line is the final verse of the Umi Shake song: &quot;Mighty, mighty, mighty... MATH POWERS!&quot;

*Beast Boy to Robin: I'm on my way, over.
**Who: Beast Boy
**Source: ''[[Teen Titans]]'' (2003-2006)
**Note: Cancelled after five seasons.

* If you don't mind me saying, a Royally Useful Engine.
** Who: The Queen
** Source: ''[[Thomas &amp; Friends]]'' (1984-2021)
** Series ultimately got cancelled due to poor toy sales; succeeded by its reboot ''All Engines Go''.

*The different animals of Third Earth, working together for the first time. You know why? You, Lion-O. You gave them something to believe in. Now, there's still one more stone left. Are we gonna find it or what?
**Who: WilyKit
**Source: ''[[ThunderCats (2011 TV series)|ThunderCats]]'' (2011-2012)

*Okay, time page. How about some help with my math homework?
**Who: Anna
**Source: ''[[w:Time Warp Trio|Time Warp Trio]]'' (2005-2006)

*It's really good. And Yoko likes (baby beans) burritos. She likes almond cookies too. Can you put an extra one in my lunch box tomorrow and some lettuce for Norman...
**Who: Juanita
**Source: ''[[Timothy Goes to School]]'' (2000-2001)

*Oh, and send an ambulance, Sarge. An art lover just fainted.
**Who: Dibble
**Source: ''[[Top Cat]]'' (1961-1962)

*Huh? Awesome!
**Who: Sam
**Source: ''[[Totally Spies]]'' (2001-2015)

*You know it, Pipster. Let's flamin-go!
**Who: Freddy
**Source: ''T.O.T.S.'' (2018-2022)

*Hooray for T.U.F.F.!
**Who: Dudley Puppy, Kitty Katswell, Keswick, and Chief Herbert Dumbrowski
**Source: ''[[T.U.F.F. Puppy]]'' (2010-2015)

*One more thing, how about a dance?
**Who: Tut
**Source: ''[[Tutenstein]]'' (2003-2008)

*Suck my balls! (Thanks for watching!)
**Who: Manbird
**Source: ''[[Ugly Americans]]'' (2010-2012)

*Aw, yeah!
**Who: Uncle Grandpa, Mr. Gus, Pizza Steve, Giant Realistic Flying Tiger, Belly Bag and Frankenstein
**Source: ''[[Uncle Grandpa]]'' (2013-2017)

*The Scare B&amp;B will always be a place for everyone, no matter how different you are. Whether you're human, monster, ghost or ghoul. Or someone who's blue with pointy teeth, like me.
**Who: Vampirina &quot;Vee&quot; Hauntley
* We love you, Vee!
**Who: Bridget
**Source: ''[[Vampirina]]'' (2017-2021)

*To Allura!
**Who: Takashi 'Shiro' Shirogane, Keith, Lance, Katie &quot;Pidge&quot; Holt, and Hunk
**Source: ''[[Voltron: Legendary Defender]]'' (2016-2018)
**Notes: The epilogue reveals what happened to the characters of the show after honoring Allura right before the credits start.

*Nothing ever changes.
**Who: Sylvia and Peepers 
*(post-credits:) They'll get what's coming to them.
**Who: Lord Dominator
**Source: ''[[Wander Over Yonder]]'' (2013-2016)

*Oh, Todd.
**Who: Maurecia
**Source: ''[[Wayside (TV series)|Wayside]]'' (2007-2008)

*Monsta X!
**Who: [[wikipedia:Monsta X|Monsta X]]
**Source: ''[[We Bare Bears]]'' (2015-2019)

*Later days!
**Who: Everyone
**Source: ''[[The Weekenders]]'' (2000-2004)

*Oh well, I guess I'll just have to eat it myself. Works every time.
**Who: Gus
**Source: ''[[Willa's Wild Life]]'' (2008-2010)

*Since we’re coming clean, I always knew you were a monkey.
**Who: Violet
**Source: ''[[WordGirl]]'' (2007-2015)

*Schlitweitz!
**Who: David and Lisa
**Source: ''[[The World of David the Gnome]]'' (1987)

*Wait, did we forget to put away the Happy Ha-Ha Bugs?
**Who: Wubbzy
**Source: ''[[Wow! Wow! Wubbzy!]]'' (2006-2010)

*Here we go! Yo Gabba Gabba...
**Who: DJ Lance
**Source: ''[[Yo Gabba Gabba!]]'' (2007-2015)
**Note: End of every episode catchphrase.

===''Hilda''===
*Odds are...she'd do it again.
**Who: The Wood Man (Season 1)
**Source: ''Hilda'' (2018-present)

*Oh, Hilda. It's beautiful.
**Who: Johanna (Season 2)
**Source: ''Hilda'' (2018-present)

* Woo-hoo...OOF!
**Who: Hilda
**Source: ''Hilda and The Mountain King'' (2021)

===''Amphibia''===
* Hold on for a little longer girls. I'm coming for you and when I find you, we're gonna get home, but first I think we're gonna have some fun with this place.
**Who: Sasha Waybright (Season 1A)
**Source: ''Amphibia'' (2019-2022)

* No, I'm not.
**Who: Anne Boonchuy (Season 1B)
**Source: ''Amphibia'' (2019-2022)

* I have a proposition for you Marcy. And I think you'll find it very interesting.
**Who: King Andras (Season 2A)
**Source: ''Amphibia'' (2019-2022)
**Note: Although &quot;A Day at the Aquarium&quot; is the mid-season finale, the mid-season finale that's a non-canon is &quot;The Shut In&quot; which could either be the season premiere or the mid-season finale. If the next episode was the mid-season finale, then the last line would be &quot;Not a holiday! Definitely not a holiday!&quot; by Anne Boonchuy.

* Home.
**Who: Anne Boonchuy (Season 2B)
**Source: ''Amphibia'' (2019-2022)

* I can't imagine spending the holidays without your family. I know how hard it is to be apart and not know if you'll ever see each other again. So, I'm writing to let you know your daughter is alive. She's trapped in another world, but I promise, I'm going to bring her back home safe. Signed, a friend.
**Who: Anne Boonchuy (Season 3A)
**Source: ''Amphibia'' (2019-2022)
**Note: Although, it's not technically the last line in Season 3A. The mid-season finale was supposed to be &quot;Escape to Amphibia&quot;. That means Anne's real last line in Season 3A was supposed to be &quot;What happened here?&quot;.

* Change can be difficult, but it's how we grow. It can be the hardest thing to realize you can't hold on to something forever. Sometimes, you have to let it go. But of the things you let go, you'd be surprised what makes its way back to you.
**Who: Anne Boonchuy (Season 3B)
**Source: ''Amphibia'' (2019-2022)

===''Bluey''===
*Verandah Santa's just trying to do his job! You naughty kids! ''[laughs as he's being pummeled]''
**Who: Bandit Heeler (Series 1)
**Source: ''Bluey'' (2018-present)

*Remember I'll always be here for you, even if you can't see me. Because I love you.
**Who: Chilli Heeler (Series 2, Part 1)
**Source: ''Bluey'' (2018-present)

*He remembered us.
**Who: Bluey Christine Heeler and Bingo Heeler (Series 2, Part 2)
**Source: ''Bluey'' (2018-present)

*Works for me.
**Who: Bandit Heeler and Chilli Heeler (Series 3, Part 1)
**Source: ''Bluey'' (2018-present)

*Yes...yes...you got it! Woo hoo!!!
**Who 1: Bandit Heeler, Chilli Heeler, Pat, and Janelle (Series 3, Part 2)
*Come here, Chucky!
**Who 2: Pat and Janelle (Series 3, Part 2)
**Source: ''Bluey'' (2018-present)

===''The Cuphead Show!''===
*Sorry, boys. I like ya, but not enough to tango with the cops. So long, fellas.
**Who: Ms. Chalice (Part 1)
**Source: ''The Cuphead Show!'' (2022-present)

=== ''Elliott from Earth'' ===
*Oh. Was that meant to happen?
**Who: 105E
**Source: ''[[Elliott from Earth]]'', Diminishing Discourse (2021)

===''The Powerpuff Girls''===
*''Mojo!!!'' You get out of there! You're nothing but a big party-crasher!!!
**Who: Bubbles
*So once again, the day is saved. Thanks to The Powerpuff Girls...and the contaminated banana cream pie. 
**Who: Narrator
**Source: ''[[The Powerpuff Girls]]'' (1998-2005)

*Hoc-guy?
**Who: The Professor
**Source: ''[[The Powerpuff Girls (2016 TV series)|The Powerpuff Girls]]'' (2016-2019)

===''Cat Burglar''===
* But I...
**Who: Rowdy (Bad Ending)
**Source: ''Cat Burglar'' (2022)

* What can I say? I'm a non-existential cartoon cat!
**Who: Rowdy (Good Ending)
**Source: ''Cat Burglar'' (2022)

===''Big City Greens''===
*One step ahead of you.
**Who: Remy Remington (Season 1A)
**Source: ''Big City Greens'' (2018-present)

*Whaaaaa?!
**Who: Remy Remington (Season 1B)
**Source: ''Big City Greens'' (2018-present)
**Note: Quote from &quot;Phoenix Rises&quot; which is the actual mid-season finale. But, &quot;Forbidden Feline&quot; is probably the mid-season finale as it counts as a holiday special, despite it being the 37th episode in chronological order. So, the last line could be &quot;Look, I'm sorry I abandoned you earlier, but if you're gonna fancy me up, AT LEAST LET ME PICK THE DRESS!!!!&quot; by Cricket Green. 

*Ugh, fine.
**Who: Cricket Green (Season 1C)
**Source: ''Big City Greens'' (2018-present)

*WHAT HAPPENED?!
**Who: Bill Green (Season 2A)
**Source: ''Big City Greens'' (2018-present)

*And yet, it just...''did.''
**Who: Tilly Green (Season 2B)
**Source: ''Big City Greens'' (2018-present)

*No, it's Gloria ''Plus'' Green. My name isn't -- oh, forget it.
**Who: Gloria Sato (Season 2C)
**Source: ''Big City Greens'' (2018-present)

*I'M INNOCENT I SWEAR!!! Ah, forget it. I'll just see myself to my room.
**Who: Cricket Green (Season 3A part 1)
**Source: ''Big City Greens'' (2018-present)

*I just had the craziest idea...
**Who: Bill Green (Season 3A part 2)
**Source: ''Big City Greens'' (2018-present)

===''The Ghost and Molly McGee''===
* Ooh!
**Who: Molly McGee (Season 1)
**Source: ''[[The Ghost and Molly McGee]]'' (2021-present)

===''The Owl House''===
* Wow...what a night! Now...can someone let me down? Anyone...?
**Who: Snaggleback (Season 1A)
**Source: ''The Owl House'' (2020-present)

* In the meantime, the Day of Unity is upon us. And we have much work to do.
**Who: Emperor Belos (Season 1B)
**Source: ''The Owl House'' (2020-present)

* Who dubbed you a parent?
**Who: Eda (Season 2A)
**Source: ''The Owl House'' (2020-present)

*Hey, Mom. I'm back.
**Who: Luz Noceda (Season 2B)
**Source: ''The Owl House'' (2020-present)

===''Animaniacs''===
*That's why the right man for the job...''[tosses her hair]'' is always a woman. Wink!
** Who: Dot Warner (Season 1)
**Source: ''[[Animaniacs (2020 TV series)]]'' (2020-present)

*This time, I wonder if we'll dream.
** Who: Wakko Warner (Season 2)
**Source: ''[[Animaniacs (2020 TV series)]]'' (2020-present)

*It actually doesn't stink!
**Who: [[w:Yakko, Wakko, and Dot|Wakko Warner]]
*(post-credits:) Goodbye, nurse!
**Who: [[w:Yakko, Wakko, and Dot|Yakko, Wakko, and Dot]]
**Source: ''[[Animaniacs]]'' (1993-1998)

*I am not a refrigerator!
**Who: [[w:List_of_Animaniacs_characters#Pinky and the Brain|The Brain (Brain2-Me2)]]
**Source: ''[[Pinky and the Brain]]'' (1995-1998)

*And the moral of our story is...
**Who: Yakko Warner
**Source: ''[[Wakko's Wish]]'' (1999)

*I'm Underwear Head!
**Who: [[w:List_of_Tiny_Toon_Adventures_characters#Elmyra Duff|Elmyra Duff]]
*They're Pinky, the Brain, and Underwear Head-head-head-head-head.
**Who: Off-screen vocals
**Source: ''[[Pinky, Elmyra &amp; the Brain]]'' (1998-1999)

===''Gravity Falls''===
*That's good.
**Who: Gideon Gleeful (Season 1A)
*(in-credits) Cross this town off our list.
**Who: Winninghouse Coupon Saver  (Season 1A)

*Here we go.
**Who: Stanley Pines (Season 1B)

*I am so on it, dude.
**Who: Soos Ramirez (Season 2A)

*If you've ever taken a road trip through the pacific northwest, you've probably seen a bumper sticker for a place called &quot;Gravity Falls&quot;. It's not on any maps, and most people have never heard of it, some people think it's a myth. But if you're curious, don't wait. Take a trip. Find it. It's out there, somewhere in the woods. Waiting.
**Who: Dipper Pines (Season 2B)
**Source: ''[[Gravity Falls]]'' (2012–2016)

===''Elinor Wonders Why''===
*Hello, baby tree!
**Who: Olive Elephant (Season 1A)
**Source: ''Elinor Wonders Why'' (2020-present)

*Yes! We need more observations! Salta, ranita, salta! ''[giggles]''
**Who: Elinor Rabbit (Season 1B)
**Source: ''Elinor Wonders Why'' (2020-present)

===''Star vs. the Forces of Evil''===
*I hope you found all the pieces to the wand.
**Who: Glossaryck (Season 1)

*I'm not a malady.
**Who: Ludo (Season 2A)

*Star! Hey! What do you mean--? ''[gasps]'' Star...?
**Who: Marco Diaz (Season 2B)

*My name is Metora.
**Who: Metora Butterfly (Season 3A)

*Hello, my love. We're home.
**Who: Eclipsa (Season 3B)

*Okay, you know, I will be waiting by the elevator.
**Who: Marco Diaz (Season 4A)

*Hi.
**Who: Star Butterfly (Season 4B)
**Source: ''[[Star vs. the Forces of Evil]]'' (2015-2019)

===''Ben 10''===
*And for Ben Tennyson, who didn't want the summer to end, he would come to realize that going back to school was merely another beginning.
**Who: Narrator
**Source: ''[[Ben 10 (2005 TV series)|Ben 10]]'' (2005-2008)
**Notes: The final episode of the original series, ''Goodbye and Good Riddance'', was retconned as non-canon in the sequel series.

*If he ever does, it's hero time!
**Who: Ben Tennyson
**Source: ''[[Ben 10: Alien Force]]'' (2008-2010)

*Two is plenty.
**Who: Doyle Blackwell
**Source: ''[[The Secret Saturdays]]'' (2008-2010)

*Perhaps for your eighteenth birthday.
**Who: Azmuth
**Source: ''[[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien]]'' (2010-2012)

*Gwen? Okay, fine, Gwen''dolyn'', you and Kevin pack your bags, we're going on a road trip!
**Who: Ben Tennyson
**Source: ''[[Ben 10: Omniverse]]'' (2012-2014)

*You know what that means, kiddos? Team Tennyson is back in business!
**Who: Grandpa Max Tennyson
**Source: ''[[Ben 10 (2017 TV series)|Ben 10]]'' (2017-2021)

===''The Berenstain Bears''===
*What about my kumquats? Oh, I love those kumquats.
**Who: Weasel McGreed
**Source: ''[[The Berenstain Bears (1985 TV series)|The Berenstain Bears]]'' (1985-1987)

*Anytime. Your tool belt will be right here waiting.
**Who: Papa Q. Bear
**Source: ''[[The Berenstain Bears (2003 TV series)|The Berenstain Bears]]'' (2003-2004)

===''Cow and Chicken''===
*Yeah! hold it, It was brilliant! Bravo! Get up, my little crab friends. Ow! oh, oh. Ow! oh, oh. Ha, ha, ha, ha! Easy with the pinchers. Ow! ow! oh. I did not have to bring you guys tonight! Looks like Red Guy always gets in the END! Ha, ha, ha, ha!
**Who: Red Guy
**Source: ''[[Cow and Chicken]]'' (1997-1999)

*It was Baboon all along and not me that everyone was watching. I am not a legend, I am a tool. Well, I guess it's dummies won, smart guys zero.
**Who: I.M Weasel
**Source: ''[[I Am Weasel]]'' (1997-2000)

===DC animated universe===
*It's okay, there'll be another time.
**Who: Batgirl
**Source: ''[[Batman: The Animated Series]]'' (1992-1995)

*One person at a time.
**Who: Lois Lane
**Source: ''[[Superman: The Animated Series]]'' (1996-2000)

*Guilty... guilty... guilty...
**Who: Two-Face
**Source: ''[[The New Batman Adventures]]'' (1997-1999)

*I'm coming.
**Who: Miguel Diaz 
**Source: ''[[Batman Beyond]]'' (1999-2001)

*Yeah, they can't get rid of ''us'' that easily.
**Who: Static
**Source: ''[[Static Shock]]'' (2000-2004)

*Don't worry, Zee, we'll find a way.
**Who: Ro Rowan 
**Source: ''[[The Zeta Project]]'' (2001-2002)

*I love you, too.
**Who: [[Green Lantern]] John Stewart
**Source: ''[[Justice League]]'' (2001-2004)

*And the adventure continues.
**Who: Wonder Woman
**Source: ''[[Justice League|Justice League Unlimited]]'' (2004-2006)

===DIC ''Mario'' Cartoons===
*Y'know, dearie, I've enjoyed your visit, but do me one favor: Next time, let me come and visit you!
**Who: Grandma Toadstool
**Source: ''[[The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!]]'' (1989)

*Yeah, but we couldn't have done it without our Toad!
**Who: Mario
**Source: ''[[The Adventures of Super Mario Bros. 3]]'' (1990)

*Good night. Mama Luigi.
**Who: Yoshi
**Source: ''[[Super Mario World (TV series)|Super Mario World]]'' (1991)

===''Digimon''===
*Our adventure in the Digital World might be over for now, but that gate won't stay closed forever. I have a feeling that this won't be the last time we see our pals, the Digimon! You wait and see. One day, that portal will open up again and we'll return to the Digital World! I wonder if Agumon will remember me? I know I'll never forget him, or the rest of the Digimon! None of us will!
**Who: Tai Kamiya
**Source: ''Digimon Adventure'' (1999-2000)

*So, you can see we're still having adventures. They're just a little different from the ones we used to have when we were kids. The darkness has not been conquered, and it will continue to fight against the light forever, but as long as people remember to follow their dreams, evil will be kept at bay. And on days like today, it's hard to see any darkness anywhere. Now it's up to our children, and to children everywhere, to follow their dreams. Who knows where they'll end up, but the only way to find out is to take that first step into adventure.
**Who: T.K. Takashi
**Source: ''Digimon Adventure 02'' (2000-2001)

*Even though I thought I would never be the same, the world soon went back to normal and after a while so did I. Life became exactly as it was before I met Guilmon. Kazu still made bad jokes and Miss Nami still gave too much homework. Sometimes I go by our old hangouts just to see if he's there. Don't know why I bother, 'cause he's never there. Most times I'm OK but there's this one thing that bugs me: a promise I made to a friend—a promise I don't think I can keep.
**Who: Takato Matsuki
**Source: ''Digimon Tamers'' (2001-2002)

*But even if I spent time with my family— or other friends or with our family or just hanging around not crying I'll be best friends with you guys forever!
**Who: The Digidestined
**Source: ''Digimon Frontier'' (2002-2003)

===''Dora the Explorer''===
*Gracias.
**Who: Dora Márquez
**Source: ''[[Dora the Explorer]]'' (2000-2019)
**Note: End of every episode catchphrase.

*Adios, amigos! See you soon!
**Who: Dora Márquez, Emma, Kate, Naiya, and Alana 
**Source: ''[[Dora and Friends: Into the City!]]'' (2014-2016)
**Note: End of every episode catchphrase.

*See you soon.
**Who: Alicia Márquez
**Source: ''[[Go, Diego, Go!]]'' (2005-2011)
**Note: End of every episode catchphrase.

===''Dragon Ball''===
*For the continued adventures of Goku and his friends, be sure to watch Dragon Ball Z!
**Who: Narrator
**Source: ''Dragon Ball'' (1986-1989)

*Young Uub has been taken in by the greatest warrior on the planet--Goku, the orphan who fell from the stars to become the savior of mankind. One thing is certain: as long as Goku lives, peace AND prosperity will reign.
**Who: Narrator
**Source: ''Dragon Ball Z'' (1989-1996)

*Til we meet again, guys!
**Who: Goku
**Source: ''Dragon Ball GT'' (1996-1997)

*Goku, please come home.
**Who: Narrator
**Source: ''Dragon Ball Z Kai'' (2010-2018)

*See you all again!
**Who: Narrator
**Source: ''Dragon Ball Super'' (2017-2019)

===''DuckTales''===
*Me wallet! Stop that thief! Don't let that sneak get away! Dijon!
**Who: Scrooge McDuck
**Source: ''[[DuckTales (1987 TV series)|DuckTales]]'' (1987-1990)

*Plenty more adventures where that came from, eh, lad? Now, where in blazes is that cocoa stand? I am freezing!
**Who: Scrooge McDuck (Season 1A)

*Boys?!
**Who: Della Duck (Season 1B)

*I'm home.
**Who: Della Duck (Season 2A)

*This has gone too far. The ducks almost cost us a world today. And, without the world, who would we larceny against? The pieces are finally in piece. Time to come out of the shadows, take control, and end Clan Mcduck. If the Mcduck family wants an adventure, we'll give them their last.
**Who: Chairman Bradford Buzzard/FOWL Agent (Season 2B)

*Woo-hoo!
**Who: Huey, Dewey, Louie, and Webby (Season 3A)

*Alright. That was close, Launchpad. Phew, almost ruined the tender family moment.
**Who: Launchpad McQuack (Season 3B)
**Source: ''[[DuckTales (2017 TV series)|DuckTales]]'' (2017-2021)

===''Fancy Nancy''===
*We here at the School De Fancy now sees that everyone has their own way of being fancy. And as long as it makes you happy...we think it's magnifique!
**Who: Nancy Clancy (Season 1)
**Source: ''Fancy Nancy'' (2018-2022)

*It sure feels magnifique to be home!
**Who: Nancy Clancy (Season 2)
**Source: ''Fancy Nancy'' (2018-2022)

*It's…magic. And the only thing more magical than Paris is famille. That's French for family.
**Who: Nancy Clancy (Season 3)
**Source: ''Fancy Nancy'' (2018-2022)

===''The Proud Family''===
*Come on, Puff!
**Who: Suga Mama (Season 1)
**Source: ''The Proud Family: Louder and Prouder'' (2022-present)

===''Infinity Train''===
*I'm ready for anything.
**Who: Tulip Olsen (Season 1)
**Source: ''[[Infinity Train]]'' (2019-2021)

*I wanted to be cool one time, just once. Nerd.
**Who: Jesse Cosay (Season 2)
**Source: ''[[Infinity Train]]'' (2019-2021)

*Guess we'll have to figure it out.
**Who: Grace Monroe (Season 3)
**Source: ''[[Infinity Train]]'' (2019-2021)

*We're...
*We're working on it.
**Who: Min-Gi Park and Ryan Akagi (Season 4)
**Source: ''[[Infinity Train]]'' (2019-2021)

===''Inspector Gadget''===
*I'll get you next time, Gadget! Just you wait!
**Who: Dr. Claw
**Source: ''[[Inspector Gadget]]'' (1982-1986)

===''The Lion King''===
*Oy.
**Who: [[w:Timon and Pumbaa|Timon]]
**Source: ''[[Timon &amp; Pumbaa (TV series)|Timon &amp; Pumbaa]]'' (1995-1999)

===''The Loud House''===
*Dang it!
**Who: Loud family (Season 1)
**Source: ''[[The Loud House]]'' (2016-present)

*Looks like we're getting the hang of not being so overprotective, huh, Howie? Howie? I'll get the smelling salts.
**Who: Harold McBride (Season 2)
**Source: ''[[The Loud House]]'' (2016-present)

*Ooh, I got one: hamburgers.
**Who: Leni Loud (Season 3)
**Source: ''[[The Loud House]]'' (2016-present)

*It's just till the end of the summer.
**Who: Lori Loud (Season 4)
**Source: ''[[The Loud House]]'' (2016-present)

*You got it! All right, everybody. Back to class, or it's a week's detention!
**Who: Rusty Spokes (Season 5)
**Source: ''[[The Loud House]]'' (2016-present)

*Ronnie Anne! That's my line!
**Who: Carlino Casagrande (Season 1)
**Source: ''[[The Casagrandes]]'' (2019-present)

*Thank you, Mr. President.
**Who: Ronnie Anne Santiago (Season 2)
**Source: ''[[The Casagrandes]]'' (2019-present)

===''Madagascar''===
*Even the problem, not our jurisdiction.
**Who: [[w:List_of_Madagascar_(franchise)_characters#Skipper|Skipper]]
**Source: ''[[The Penguins of Madagascar]]'' (2008-2015)

*Where are we?
**Who: [[w:List_of_Madagascar_(franchise)_characters#Alex|Alex]]
**Source: ''[[All Hail King Julien]]'' (2014-2017)

===''Marvel Animation Universe''===
*I made the show. Hulk Out. Bam, I said it. Hulk Out.
**Who: A-Bomb
**Source: ''[[Hulk and the Agents of S.M.A.S.H.]]'' (2013-2015)

*So, I guess this is it. But there's no need to get all sappy. I thought once I became the Ultimate Spider-Man, that would mean my work was done. But far from it. This isn't the end, this is only the beginning.
**Who: Spider-Man
**Source: ''[[Ultimate Spider-Man (TV series)|Ultimate Spider-Man]]'' (2012–2017)

===''My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic''===
*In fact, it’s made it...
*...the best night ever!
**Who: Mane Six and Spike (Season 1)
**Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019)

*Oh, yeah? Just wait until you see what I have planned for the bachelor party!
**Who: Spike (Season 2)
**Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019)

*Yes! Everything's gonna be just fine!
**Who: Twilight Sparkle (Season 3)
**Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019)

*Yes, well, I suppose not.
**Who: Discord (Season 4)
**Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019)

*Wonder what she's dreaming about now.
**Who: Spike (Season 5A)
**Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019)

*Starting is easy. All you have to do is make a friend; and you've got ''seven'' of them right here.
**Who: Twilight Sparkle (Season 5B)
**Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019)

*Friendship lessons can happen...anywhere.
**Who: Starlight Glimmer (Season 6A)
**Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019)

*Somepony is really gonna have to catch us up on what we missed.
**Who: Rainbow Dash (Season 6B)
**Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019)

*Seriously, this is heavy.
**Who: Pinkie Pie (Season 7A)
**Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019)

*It's funny. I thought meeting my idol would give me all the answers I ever wanted. But instead, I forgot what I already knew. Good thing I had a student of my own to remind me.
**Who: Twilight Sparkle (Season 7B)
**Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019)

*Gotcha! Maybe I'm not such a bad actress after all.
**Who: Princess Celestia (Season 8A)
**Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019)

*Hey, neighbor. Wanna be friends?
**Who: Cozy Glow (Season 8B)
**Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019)

*Nicely done.
**Who: Princess Celestia (Season 9A)
**Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019)

*That's all right, because I know exactly where to send you.
**Who: Future Twilight Sparkle (Season 9B)
**Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019)

===''Green Eggs and Ham''===
*That's why we should get going!
**Who: Sam-I-Am (Season 1)
**Source: ''Green Eggs and Ham'' (2019-2022)

*Yes! She loves it! That is good news!
**Who: Sam-I-Am (Season 2)
**Source: ''Green Eggs and Ham'' (2019-2022)

===''Rugrats''===
*Happy Birthday, Kimi!
**Who: Chuckie Finster
**Source: ''[[Rugrats]]'' (1991-2004)

*&quot;Gotcha&quot;!?
**Who: Tommy Pickles
**Source: ''[[All Grown Up!]]'' (2003-2008)

*Well look, class! Our friend Mr. Sun has come to say hello! Isn't it wonderful? And we're all back to our happy happy happy selves!
**Who: Miss Weemer
**Source: ''[[Rugrats Pre-School Daze]]'' (2008)

===''Steven Universe''===
*Yes, please!
**Who: Pearl
**Source: ''[[Steven Universe]]'' (2013-2019)

*Bye!
**Who: Pearl
**Source: ''[[Steven Universe Future]]'' (2019-2020)

===''Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles''===
*Except Donatello's cooking.
**Who: [[w:Raphael (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Raphael]]
**Source: ''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1987 TV series)|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]]'' (1987-1996)

*Yeah! Ha-ha-ha!
**Who: [[w:Michelangelo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Michelangelo]]
**Source: ''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003 TV series)|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]]'' (2003-2009)

*We are home.
**Who: [[w:Raphael (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Raphael]]
**Source: ''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012 TV series)|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]]'' (2012-2017)

*Wait, what?
**Who: [[w:Leonardo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Leonardo]]
**Source: ''[[Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]]'' (2018-2020)

===''Tiny Toon Adventures''===
*Season's Greetings!
**Who: [[w:List_of_Tiny_Toon_Adventures_characters#Gogo Dodo|Gogo Dodo]]
**Source: ''[[Tiny Toon Adventures]]'' (1990-1992)

*Parting is such sweet sorrow.
**Who: [[w:List_of_Tiny_Toon_Adventures_characters#Plucky Duck|Plucky Duck]]
**Source: ''[[The Plucky Duck Show]]'' (1992)

===''Total Drama''===
*At least things can only go up from here. [sighs] Of course.
**Who: Dave
**Source: ''[[Total Drama]]'' (2007-2014)

* Yes. Throw all your money on the ground. Very smart. That's all for now, we hope we enjoyed our incredible race around the world. Be sure to keep an eye out for more of ''The Ridonculous Race''.
**Who: Don
**Source: ''[[Total Drama Presents: The Ridonculous Race]]'' (2015)

===''Transformers''===
*We shall see, Galvatron. We shall see.
**Who: Zarak
**Source: ''[[Transformers: Generation 1|The Transformers]]'' (1984-1987)

*Waspinator happy at last.
**Who: Waspinator
**Source: ''[[Beast Wars|Beast Wars: Transformers]]'' (1996-1999)

*He's with us, Rattrap. As long as Cybertron is alive, Optimus lives on. In our hearts and our memories. As well Megatron had also played a grand role in the vital scheme. The vision from the Oracle has come to pass. Optimus has finally achieved his mission.
**Who: Cheetor
**Source: ''[[Beast Machines|Beast Machines: Transformers]]'' (1999-2000)

*''Who's the smartest shark around?/Who's the coolest shark in town?/Sky-Byte, that's me!'' Ha!
**Who: Sky-Byte
**Source: ''[[Transformers: Robots in Disguise (2001)|Transformers: Robots in Disguise]]'' (2001-2002)

*The war between the Autobots and the Decepticons has come to an end, and without the hatred between the two sides, there was no evil to feed Unicron, and he became powerless. Both Unicron and Megatron scattered into the far reaches of the universe. As for me, my purpose has been served. Cybertron is safe and Transformers live in peace with the Mini-Cons. So the next time you look out into space and see a peaceful star far, far away, it just might be Cybertron. TRANSFORM!
**Who: Optimus Prime
**Source: ''[[Transformers: Armada]]'' (2002-2003)

*Check it out, Ironhide. That's our future out there.
**Who: Kicker Jones
**Source: ''[[Transformers: Energon]]'' (2004-2005)

*Fire up the engines to full throttle! We have a course set to the far reaches of the universe, and it's time to go! Courage, hope for the future, and teamwork—our adventure will continue as long as we remember the words of Primus: 'Til all are one! TRANSFORM!!!
**Who: Optimus Prime and everybody
**Source: ''[[Transformers: Cybertron]]'' (2005-2006)

*That would be the easy way out, Megatron. You don't deserve it.
**Who: Optimus Prime
**Source: ''[[Transformers Animated]]'' (2007-2009)

*Until we meet again, old friend.
**Who: Optimus Prime
**Source: ''[[Transformers: Prime]]'' (2010-2013)

*I want to get a picture of my heroes.
**Who: Chief Charlie Burns
**Source: ''[[Transformers: Rescue Bots]]'' (2011-2016)

*Saved by the howl. Autobots, let's rev up and roll out.
**Who: Bumblebee
**Source: ''[[Transformers: Robots in Disguise (2015)|Transformers: Robots in Disguise]]'' (2015-2017)

===''Unikitty!''===

*Nice job, Bat-team.
**Who: Unikitty (Season 1)
**Source: ''[[Unikitty!]]'' (2017-2020)

*Happens to the festival, Amigo.
**Who: Dunklecorn (Season 2)
**Source: ''[[Unikitty!]]'' (2017-2020)

*Nice.
**Who: One of the Two Astronauts (Season 3)
**Source: ''[[Unikitty!]]'' (2017-2020)

===''[[Winx Club]]''===
*Listen. Whatever it is you choose to do, I want you to know that you're not alone.
**Who: Sky (Cinélume, Season 1)
*To next year!
**Who: Alfea students (4Kids, Season 1)

*Mirta!
**Who: Bloom (Cinélume, Season 2)
*Wait for us!
**Who: Bloom (4Kids, Season 2)

*Yes, I think I'm ready. Mom, dad, I feel like were going to meet very, very soon.
**Who: Bloom (Cinélume, Season 3)
*I think I'm ready. Mom, Dad, I feel like we're going to meet really soon.
**Who: Bloom (4Kids, Season 3)
*I ''am'' ready. Mom, Dad, I have a feeling we're going to meet very, very soon.
**Who: Bloom (Atlas Oceanic, Season 3)

*Your journey on the path of magic also passes through Gardenia. Now off you go, you're on in a minute!
**Who: Faragonda (Cinélume, Season 4)
*A fairy's magical journey includes all her dreams and passions. Now off you go, show me what you've got, girls!
**Who: Faragonda (Atlas Oceanic, Season 4)

*Best little sister in the known universe!
**Who: Daphne (Season 5)

*Thanks, cuz.
**Who: Thoren (Season 6)

*Even the smallest creature can play a key role in the destiny of all the worlds.
**Who: Bloom (Season 7)

*Winx forever!
**Who: Stella (Season 8)

*There is not enough room for fairies and witches on Earth!
**Who: Venomya/Baba Yaga
**Source: ''[[World of Winx]]'' (2016-2017)
**Note: Ended after two seasons with no resolution due to the crew returning to the original show.

==See also==
* [[First lines in animated TV shows]]

[[Category:Last lines|Animated]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows|*]]</text>
      <sha1>r3psl41bdx0sun8kwi0tbjss71sktav</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153872</id>
      <parentid>3153871</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-12T10:27:27Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2600:1700:F770:7B40:F8D1:1FBC:401F:5ED1</ip>
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      <comment>/* Hilda */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="53966" xml:space="preserve">==Animated TV shows==
* You're coming with me, punk!
**Who: Ron the Rent-a-Cop
**Source: ''[[6teen]]'' (2004-2010)

*Oh yeah!
**Who: Shermy
**Source: ''[[Adventure Time]]'' (2010-2018)

*Being Choose Goose is no lark... especially now that I'm turning dark.
**Who: Choose Goose
**Source: ''[[Adventure Time: Distant Lands]]'' (2020-2021)

*That's right, be afraid! Be very afraid! And tell all your cold-blooded friends there's plenty more where that came from!
**Who: Baby Eddie
**Source: ''[[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius]]'' (2002-2006)

*Oh no. It's started.
**Who: Rob
**Source: ''[[The Amazing World of Gumball]]'' (2011-2019)

*Trust me. There's something magical about you too.
**Who: Jake Long
**Source: ''[[American Dragon: Jake Long]]'' (2005-2007)
**Notes: The closing credits to this episode views clips from the show's previous episodes.

* I am... I... I think as we are very tired, we should go down to the pond for a drink. Then we'll go back to our nests and burrows and sleep. We can explore our big new park tomorrow. And then we will plan how to live together in perfect peace and harmony. In the true spirits of Farthing Wood.
**Who: Plucky
**Source: ''[[The Animals of Farthing Wood (TV series)|The Animals of Farthing Wood]]'' (1993-1995)

*Mechana can we do it?
*We Animal Mechanical can!
**Who: Animal Mechanicals
**Source: ''[[Animal Mechanicals]]'' (2007-2011)
**Note: End of every episode catchphrase.

*We still got a few seconds left. Let's do a joke. Let's do like, a joke or something.
**Who: Meatwad
**Source: ''[[Aqua Teen Hunger Force]]'' (2000-2015)

*&quot;Chapter one: how I got my very first pair of glasses…&quot;
**Who: Adult Arthur
**Source: ''[[Arthur (TV series)|Arthur]]'' (1996-2022)

*Well, I think you all look ''perfect''.
**Who: Toph Beifong
** Source: ''[[Avatar: The Last Airbender]]'' (2005-2008)

*You wanted to know how history will remember the Avengers, Iron Man? Well, here's your answer.
**Who: Captain America
**Source: ''[[The Avengers: Earth's Mightiest Heroes]]'' (2010-2013)

*Where shall I begin?
**Who: [[w:Babar the Elephant|King Babar]]
**Source: ''[[Babar (TV series)|Babar]]'' (1989-2000)

*Fine, but don't blame me if dinner is late! I'd like to see you cook a meal in your arms where your legs should be! Maybe I'll go on the Goraldo Show, he'll believe me about the aliens! I can't find my tush!
**Who: Nora Beady
**Source: ''[[Back at the Barnyard]]'' (2007-2011)

*Mini-muffin?
**Who: Tasha and Austin
**Source: ''[[The Backyardigans]]'' (2004-2010)

*Nice try.
**Who: Batman
**Source: ''[[The Batman]]'' (2004-2008)

*A great run. And until we meet again boys and girls, know that wherever evil lurks in all its myriad forms, I'll be there with the hammers of justice to fight for decency, and defend the innocent. Goodnight.
**Who: Batman
**Source: ''[[Batman: The Brave and the Bold]]'' (2008-2011)

*I love you too, son. This message will self-destruct in 3...2...1...
**Who: [[w:Fred Jones (Scooby-Doo)|Fred Jones]] (reading a letter from his father)
**Source: ''[[Be Cool, Scooby-Doo!]]'' (2015-2018)

*P2, going down.
**Who: Elevator Announcer
**Source: ''[[Beavis and Butt-head]]'' (1993-97; 2011)

*Bravo, Batman. Checkmate. Shall we play again?
**Who: Anarky
**Source: ''[[Beware the Batman]]'' (2013-2014)

*Ba-a-la-la-la-la.
**Who: Baymax
**Source: ''[[Big Hero 6: The Series]]'' (2017-2021)

*Welcome to Taco Shack. May I take your order?
**Who: Taco Shack Employee
**Source: ''[[Billy Dilley's Super-Duper Subterranean Summer]]'' (2017)
**Note: Cancelled after one season due to poor ratings.

*Riley, run!
**Who: Huey Freeman
**Source: ''[[The Boondocks]]'' (2005-2014)

*Yeah. This is nice.
**Who: BoJack Horseman
**Source: ''[[BoJack Horseman]]'' (2014-2020)

*Never mind, I can't wait.
**Who: Brandy Harrington
**Source: ''[[Brandy &amp; Mr. Whiskers]]'' (2004-2006)

*Yup, yup! Let us swim to freedom!
**Who: Buhdeuce
**Source: ''[[Breadwinners]]'' (2014-2016)

*I'm stuck in a tree!
**Who: Bunsen
**Source: ''[[Bunsen Is a Beast]]'' (2017-2018)
**Note: Series cancelled after one season due to declining ratings and Butch Hartman leaving Nickelodeon.

*Okay, Who's up for cupcake?
**Who: Pupert Pesky
**Source: ''[[The Buzz on Maggie]]'' (2005-2006)

*Sometimes change is good. Having a new teacher turned out to be a lot of fun.
**Who: Narrator
**Source: ''[[Caillou]]'' (1997-2010)

*Please tell me we go home alone with her?
**Who: McGee
**Source: ''[[Camp Lakebottom]]'' (2013-2017)

*Okay. I think it's just officially got to the point where it can't get any weirder.
**Who: Samson
*(in-credits:) Uh, yeah... okay. 
**Who: Stanley
**Source: ''[[Camp Lazlo]]'' (2005-2008)

*Yeah! Woo-hoo!
**Who: Nick and Sally
**Source: ''The Cat In The Hat Knows A Lot About That!'' (2011-2018)

*Stop it, Zouzou. You're suppose to be a watch dog, not a kiss dog! ''[laughs]''
**Who: Charley
**Source: ''[[Charley and Mimmo]]'' (1999-2002)

*I have saved a fucking gorilla today, I also talked a very special idiot out of willing himself dead, and now, just because I'm too hairy in some places and too bald in other places, you can't find it in your putrid little heart to want to get to know me sexually? [Laughs sarcastically] What's wrong with me? What is wrong with you? I am magical!
**Who: Frank
**Source: ''[[China, IL]]'' (2011-2015)

*Babies, no! Put Scraps down!
**Who: Adult Chowder
*(post-credits:) Oh, radda.
**Who: Shnitzel
**Source: ''[[Chowder (TV series)|Chowder]]'' (2007-2010)

*Yes!
**Who: Clarence Wendle
**Source: ''[[Clarence (American TV series)|Clarence]]'' (2014-2018)

*Enjoy the moment, Jay. For the future is no longer foretold.
**Who: Cronus
**Source: ''[[Class of the Titans]]'' (2005-2008)

*What?! This is your fault!
**Who: Lil' D
**Source: ''[[Class of 3000]]'' (2006-2008)

*We are dumb.
**Who: Donna Tubbs-Brown
**Source: ''[[The Cleveland Show]]'' (2009-2013)
**Note: Ended after four seasons due to declining ratings.

*Hello? Yeah. We told him everything he wanted to hear. We'll meet you in the moonbase, okay? Oh! And Numbuh 1... Welcome back.
**Who: Adult Abigail Lincoln (Numbuh 5)
*(post-credits:) Stay young.
**Who: None
**Source: ''[[Codename: Kids Next Door]]'' (2002-2008)
**Notes: The final credits roll with a short montage of every episode from beginning to finish, ending with a picture of Sector V looking at the sunset outside the treehouse with the actual final lines read above them, &quot;Stay Young&quot;.

*What more could a bear ask for?
**Who: [[w:Corduroy (book)|Corduroy]]
**Source: ''[[Corduroy (TV series)|Corduroy]]'' (2000-2001)

*Perfect!
**Who: The Perfectionist (offscreen)
**Source: ''[[Courage the Cowardly Dog]]'' (1996-2002)

*That's right, Cubix. We're friends. Friends forever.
**Who: Connor
**Source: ''[[Cubix: Robots for Everyone]]'' (2001-2003)

*Thanks, Dan.
**Who: Little Chris
**Source: ''[[Dan Vs.]]'' (2011-2013)

*Cool statue. Personally, I would've used recycled materials, but, you know, that's just me.
**Who: Sam Manson
**Source: ''[[Danny Phantom]]'' (2004-2007)

*I take it back.
**Who: Jane
**Source: ''[[Daria]]'' (1997-2002)

*Come on, Eep. The moon's looking at me funny again. We need to go smash his face!
**Who: Grug Crood
**Source: ''[[Dawn of the Croods]]'' (2015-2017)

*I can do anything with my best friends on my side.
**Who: Dottie &quot;Doc&quot; McStuffins
**Source: ''[[Doc McStuffins]]'' (2012-2020)

*Oh yeah. Hehehe. Anybody wanna dance?
**Who: Donkey Kong
**Source: ''[[Donkey Kong Country]]'' (1998-2000)

*It's a perfect name!
**Who: Enrique
**Source: ''[[Dragon Tales]]'' (1999-2005)

*Hey, assholes, thanks for watching!
**Who: [[w:List of Drawn Together characters#Toot Braunstein|Toot Braunstein]]
**Source: ''[[Drawn Together]]'' (2004-2007)

*First one inside gets to give him mouth to mouth!
**Who: Lee
*(post-credits:) It's the end of the movie? What movie?
**Who: Jonny
**Source: ''[[Ed Edd n Eddy]]'' (1999-2009)

*Familia forever!
**Who: El Tigre
**Source: ''[[El Tigre: The Adventures of Manny Rivera]]'' (2007-2008)

*I am.
**Who: Elena
**Source: ''[[Elena of Avalor]]'' (2016-2020)

*Remember, friends help friends solve problems. See you next time! 
**Who: [[w:Elliot Moose|Elliot Moose]]
**Source: ''[[Elliot Moose (TV series)|Elliot Moose]]'' (1998-2000)

*Hmm. Maybe being emperor won't be so bad after all.
**Who: Kuzco
*(post-credits:) KUZCO!!
**Who: Yzma
**Source: ''[[The Emperor's New School]]'' (2006-2008)

*Happy Friendaversary!
**Who: [[w:Timmy Tiberius Turner|Timmy Turner]] and Chloe Carmichael
**Source: ''[[The Fairly OddParents|The Fairly OddParents!]]'' (2001-2017)
**Note: Ended after ten seasons due to Butch Hartman leaving Nickelodeon and due to declining ratings.

*Oh.
**Who: Ruff Ruffman
*I love you guys!
**Who: Emmie Atwood
**Source: ''[[Fetch! with Ruff Ruffman]]'' (2006-2010)

*I'm king of the world! King of the world!
**Who: Milo Fishtooth
**Source: ''[[Fish Hooks]]'' (2010-2014)

*Okay, bye doggies!
**Who: Cheese
**Source: ''[[Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends]]'' (2004-2009)

*Come on, Franklin.
**Who: Beaver
**Source: ''[[Franklin (TV series)|Franklin]]'' (1997-2004)

*You're an evil man!
**Who: Norm Abram
**Source: ''[[Freakazoid!]]'' (1995-1997)

*What a great day!
**Who: Kiki
**Source: ''[[Fresh Beat Band of Spies]]'' (2014-2016)

*I do.
**Who: Leela
**Source: ''[[Futurama]]'' (2008-2013)

*Welcome home, Goliath. Welcome home.
**Who: Elisa Maza
**Source: ''[[Gargoyles (TV series)|Gargoyles]]'' (1994–1996)

*One thousand years ago, we lived in a world that understood our purpose. It was the age of Gargoyles. Ten centuries later, we awoke to a world bent on our destruction. Somehow, we never lost hope, and today we come full circle. A new age has begun, and we live again.
**Who: Goliath
**Source: ''[[Gargoyles (TV series)#Season 3 (The Goliath Chronicles) -- (Non-Cannon)|Gargoyles: The Goliath Chronicles]]'' (1996–1997)

*Yes, there is.
**Who: Agent Six
**Source: ''[[Generator Rex]]'' (2010-2013)

*Knowing Razer, I'd say he's got a pretty good shot.
**Who: Hal Jordan
**Source: ''[[Green Lantern: The Animated Series]]'' (2011-2013)

*Thanks for coming out, everyone!
**Who: Cory Riffin, Kin Kujira, Kon Kujira, and Laney Penn
**Source: ''[[Grojband]]'' (2013-2015)

*Yeah. You found each other. When a friend comes into your life, it changes you a little. They challenge you. They make you laugh. They make you stronger. Each person gives you a gift. A special part of them that you keep forever. It's like they're always with you.
**Who: Irving Beaks
**Source: ''[[Harvey Beaks]]'' (2015-2017)

*He's never gonna hear the end of it.
**Who: Rhonda
**Source: ''[[Hey Arnold!]]'' (1996-2004)

*Sorry, I didn't mean-- I'd take it back! Mmm, charred marshmallow flesh. Whoa! N-n-no! I didn't say that. No, it wasn't me. That wasn't someone, who else? Get off this ship, you're not welcome.
**Who: Nerville
**Source: ''[[The High Fructose Adventures of Annoying Orange]]'' (2012-2014)

*Oh, she's the most beautiful creature I've ever seen. This is the life...or more less.
**Who: Kaz Harada
**Source: ''[[Hi Hi Puffy AmiYumi]]'' (2004-2006)

*That's a wrap!
**Who: Father Time
**Source: ''[[Histeria!]]'' (1998-2000)

*I feels very at home.
**Who: Oh
**Source: ''[[Home: Adventures with Tip &amp; Oh]]'' (2016-2018)

*I could go for tapas…
**Who: Brendan
**Source: ''[[Home Movies (TV series)|Home Movies]]'' (1999-2004)

*Oh, Mickey!
**Who: Minnie Mouse
**Source: ''[[w:House of Mouse|House of Mouse]]'' (2001-2003)

*I love you too, Bertie!
**Who: Arlo Beauregard
**Source: ''I Heart Arlo'' (2021)

*Get out of the house of Zim! This is my house, get out! Get-
**Who: Zim
**Source: ''[[Invader Zim]]'' (2001-2006)

*Why not?! You weren't using it! You're always﻿ too busy fighting wizards!
**Who: Drago
**Source: ''[[Jackie Chan Adventures]]'' (2000-2005)

*That was brilliant! Thank ye, mates! See you next time!
**Who: John Darling
**Source: ''[[Jake and the Never Land Pirates]]'' (2011-2016)

*You're wrong Mr. Teacherman, this is Porkbelly. Where we make our own history.
**Who: [[w:List_of_Johnny_Test_characters#Johnny Test|Johnny Test]]
**Source: ''[[Johnny Test]]'' (2005-2014)

*You bet, pal!
**Who: Kick Buttowski
**Source: ''[[Kick Buttowski: Suburban Daredevil]]'' (2010-2012)
**Note: Cancelled after two seasons due to poor ratings.

*I told you graduation wasn't the end of the world.
**Who: Kim Possible
*(post-credits) Glad you asked! Funny story - not funny &quot;ha-ha&quot;. But, it was a Tuesday...
**Who: Dr. Drakken
**Source: ''[[Kim Possible]]'' (2002-2007)

*Yup!
**Who: Hank Hill
**Source: ''[[King of the Hill]]'' (1997-2010)

*Duck!
**Who: Arnold
**Source: ''[[Kipper (TV series)|Kipper]]'' (1997-2000)

*Hey everybody, Let's hear it for the Dragon Warrior! Huzzah, huzzah...
**Who: Lu Kang and the citizens
**Source: ''[[Kung Fu Panda: Legends of Awesomeness]]'' (2011-2016)

*There you go!
**Who: Littlefoot
**Source: ''[[The Land Before Time (TV series)|The Land Before Time]]'' (2007-2008)

*Sounds perfect.
**Who: Korra
**Source: ''[[The Legend of Korra]]'' (2012-2014)

*Now is a time of celebration. We have won a great victory. But when the glow has faded, we must remember the cost, and we must be forever vigilant. The message of hate that Mordred carried will come again with a different name, a different face. But as long as we keep the ideals of Camelot alive in our hearts, we will prevail. Long live honor, and justice. Long live goodness, and truth. Long live... Camelot!
**Who: King Arthur
**Source: ''[[The Legend of Prince Valiant]]'' (1991-1993)

*Evil does not die. It evolves.
**Who: Brainiac 6
**Source: ''[[Legion of Super Heroes]]'' (2006-2008)

*I love you too, Stitch.
**Who: Lilo Pelekai
**Source: ''[[Lilo &amp; Stitch: The Series]]'' (2003-2006)

*Little Bill, who are you talking to?
**Who: Brenda Glover
**Source: ''[[Little Bill]]'' (1999-2004)

*I can't believe they canceled our show and put this on instead.
**Who: Lulu Moppet
**Source: ''[[The Little Lulu Show]]'' (1995-1999)

*Someday, kiddo. Someday.
**Who: Roger Baxter
**Source: ''[[Littlest Pet Shop (2012 TV series)|Littlest Pet Shop]]'' (2012-2016)
**Note: Cancelled due to poor toy sales. Succeeded by the reboot ''A World Of Our Own''.

*And who you all think should be the most valuable player?
**Who: Floyd Minton
*''[cheering]'' PETUNIA!!!
**Who: Baby Bugs, Baby Lola, Baby Taz, Baby Daffy, Baby Melissa, Baby Tweety, and Baby Sylvester
*Yay!!!
**Who: Baby Tweety
**Source: ''Baby Looney Tunes'' (2001-2005)
**Note: Canceled due to poor ratings and negative reviews. It was succeeded by ''[[The Looney Tunes Show]]'' in 2011.

*Ain't I a stinker?
**Who: Bugs Bunny as Batman
*And that's the end.
**Who: [[w:Bugs Bunny|Bugs Bunny]] (Post-credits)
**Source: ''[[The Looney Tunes Show]]'' (2011-2014)

*I just call &quot;dibs&quot; on his fish flakes.
**Who: A fish
**Source: ''[[Mad (TV series)|MAD]]'' (2010-2013)

*Hooray for Maggie!
**Who: Beast, Hamilton Hocks, Rudy, Nedley, and the Jellybean Team
**Source: ''[[Maggie and the Ferocious Beast]]'' (2000-2002)

*Yut is pleased by attention!
**Who: Mister Yut 
**Source: ''Littlest Pet Shop: A World of Our Own'' (2018-19)
**Note: Cancelled after one season.

*Leave me alone, or I will call my fiend back!
**Who: Vendetta
**Source: ''[[Making Fiends (TV series)|Making Fiends]]'' (2008)

*I'm the luckiest one here. I have two families! Now about that turkey...
**Who: Martha
**Source: ''[[Martha Speaks (TV series)|Martha Speaks]]'' (2008-2014)

*The president cut the strings shorter. Only one foot long! Much safer for everyone.
**Who: Peg
*Definitely! 
**Who: Cat
**Source: ''Peg + Cat'' (2014-2018)

*I guess we will, baby. I guess we will.
**Who: Bubbie
**Source: ''[[The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack]]'' (2008-2010)

*So even though things didn't go exactly like they were supposed to, that matinee turned out to be one of our best shows ever. Now that's teamwork. What can I say, Mom and Dad? We're a real class act. 
**Who: Eddy Largo
**Source: ''[[Marvin the Tap-Dancing Horse]]'' (2000-2002)

*Max! You and your gumball spitting spider gave us what we wanted. A big...
**Who: Ruby
*Finish!
**Who: Max
**Source: ''[[Max &amp; Ruby]]'' (2003-2019)

*It's a funny thing about making a commitment. Even though sometimes you don't want to follow through. Once you do, you're glad you did.
**Who: Maya Santos
**Source: ''[[Maya &amp; Miguel]]'' (2004-2007)

*Now, let's see what kind of new stuff the evil me put in Megas. Woo! Yeah, Wah-hoo! Yeah! Wa, ha, ha!
**Who: Harold &quot;Coop&quot; Cooplowski
**Source: ''[[Megas XLR]]'' (2004-2005)

*I believe that you would, Slick. Now how about a hand?
**Who: Agent K
**Source: ''[[Men in Black: The Series]]'' (1997-2001)

*See you real soon!
**Who: Mickey Mouse
**Note: Catchphrase that ends every episode of Season 1.
*Aw, thanks for stopping by!
**Who: Mickey Mouse
**Note: Catchphrase that ends almost every episode of Seasons 2-4.
*Good night, everybody.
**Who: Mickey Mouse
**Source: ''[[Mickey Mouse Clubhouse]]'' (2006-2016)
**Note: Official last line of the series, because the series got cancelled after four seasons due to poor ratings. It was succeeded by ''Mickey and the Roadster Racers''.

*Oh, Haps! I don't know if you can see from your side, but I just skywrote 'Bessie and Happy BFFAEAE' and it looks really great!
**Who: Bessie Higgenbottom
**Source: ''[[The Mighty B!]]'' (2008-2011)

*Don't worry about it.
**Who: Witchy Simone
**Source: ''[[Mighty Magiswords]]'' (2016-2019)

*I think we're gonna need a new ship.
**Who: Milo Murphy
**Source: ''[[Milo Murphy's Law]]'' (2016-2019)
**Note: Either on hiatus or cancelled after two seasons due to poor ratings. 

*Weddings, Priya. They do something to you.
**Who: Mira
**Source: ''Mira, Royal Detective'' (2020-2022)

*Y'see? Sometimes one small Mixel is all it takes. Yup, Mixopolis is my town. And always will be.
**Who: Booger
**Source: ''[[Mixels]]'' (2014-2016)

*Okay, going for the triple bonus.
**Who: President Hathaway
**Source: ''[[w:Monsters vs. Aliens (TV series)|Monsters vs. Aliens]]'' (2013-2014)

*Today's Christmas sermon is about family. What is family? Well, a lot of times, family is just a bunch of people who are forced to be together just because they came out of each other — but every so often...a miracle happens. A loving family, just like that, out of nowhere. Now, what causes this — a belief in God, a strong moral structure, blind luck? Who knows, who cares? Ah, you're not gonna get any answers out of me. I'm just a puppet for the Big Guy. I don't write this stuff. The end — I mean, Amen. Nah, who am I kidding? The End.
**Who: Reverend &quot;Rod&quot; Putty
**Source: ''[[Moral Orel]]'' (2005-2008)

*Oh, freak me out! This is craziness! (US version)
*Leave me alone, you ticklish pest! (UK version)
**Who: Mr. Bump
**Source: ''[[The Mr. Men Show]]'' (2008-2009)

*See you later, friends. And thanks for all the laughs.
**Who: Kermit
**Source: ''[[Muppet Babies (2018 TV series)|Muppet Babies]]'' (2018-2022)

*Thanks.
**Who: Thunder
**Source: ''[[My Friend Rabbit]]'' (2007-2008)

*Uh-oh.
**Who: Adam Lyon
**Source: ''[[My Gym Partner's a Monkey]]'' (2005-2008)

*Jenny, did you forget to feed the tiger?
**Who: Nora
**Source: ''[[My Life as a Teenage Robot]]'' (2003-2009)

*Monkey King!
**Who: Kai-Lan, Hoho, Tolee, and Rintoo
**Source: ''[[Ni Hao, Kai-Lan]]'' (2007-2011)

*Thank you for watching the show!
**Who: K.O.
**Source: ''[[OK K.O.! Let's Be Heroes]]'' (2017-2019)

*Good night, Olivia. Time for bed, William!
**Who: Mom
**Source: ''[[Olivia]]'' (2009-2013)

*''(translation)'' Phase one is complete, 807612r-B9. Commence Phase two?
**Who: The Guardian
**Source: ''[[Penn Zero: Part-Time Hero]]'' (2014-2017)

*Yes. Yes we do.
**Who: Phineas Flynn
**Source: ''[[Phineas and Ferb]]'' (2007-2015)

*Poppets away!
**Who: Blooter, Patty, and Bobby
**Source: ''[[Poppets Town]]'' (2008-2009)

*Not just yet. My person calls. I'll see you in the morning. And I'll be on time, I promise. But I'm not skipping breakfast. Because believe me, breakfast with Dot, it's the most important meal of my day.
**Who: Lucky
**Source: ''[[Pound Puppies (2010 TV series)|Pound Puppies]]'' (2010-2013)

*Make a run of yourselves! I'm running away!
**Who: Alfe
**Source: ''[[The Problem Solverz]]'' (2011-2013)

*Nobody ever listens to me.
**Who: Zak
**Source: ''[[Rabbids Invasion]]'' (2013-2017)

*I love you, Rapunzel.
**Who: [[w:Flynn Rider|Eugene Fitzherbert]]
**Source: ''[[Rapunzel's Tangled Adventure]]'' (2017-2020)

*Attention. As you are no doubt aware, the Principal Office is now under my complete control. You're probably looking forward to one of my erudite speeches about me, Megaframe, the new viral dawn, et cetera et cetera. But I'm afraid I'm going to have to disappoint you. There is no grand scheme here. This is about revenge. Viruses are predatory by design, and it is time for me to follow my function. Prepare yourselves... for the hunt!
**Who: Megabyte
**Source: ''[[ReBoot]]'' (1994-2001)
**Note: Ended after four seasons with no resolution.

*Jolly good show.
**Who: Pops Maellard
**Source: ''[[Regular Show]]'' (2010-2017)

*Aw, raggy!
**Who: Stimpy
**Source: ''[[The Ren &amp; Stimpy Show]]'' (1991-1996)

*Always, sis. Always.
**Who: Todd Daring
**Source: ''[[The Replacements (TV series|The Replacements]]'' (2006-2009)

*And we're cancelled.
**Who: Dog
**Source: ''[[Right Now Kapow]]'' (2016-2017)

*No... Ashi...
**Who: Jack
**Source: ''[[Samurai Jack]]'' (2001-2004; 2017)

*Yeah!
**Who: Sanjay Patel, Craig Slithers, Megan Sparkles, Hector Flanagan, Ronnie Slithers, and Tuff Fist
**Source: ''[[Sanjay and Craig]]'' (2013-2016)

*I'm happy you're home too, Sofia.
**Who: Princess Amber
**Source: ''[[Sofia the First]]'' (2012-2018)

*Don't apologize. I never do.
**Who: Norman Osborn
**Source: ''[[The Spectacular Spider-Man (TV series)|The Spectacular Spider-Man]]'' (2008-2009)

*Hip hip hooray! The Super Readers saved the day!
**Who: Whyatt Beanstalk
**Source: ''[[Super Why!]]'' (2007-2016)
**Note: End of every episode catchphrase.

*Then let's do this together.
**Who: Adora/She-Ra
**Source: ''[[She-Ra and the Princesses of Power]]'' (2018-2020)

*It was an accident, and accident!
**Who: Eric Needles
**Source: ''[[Sidekick (TV series)|Sidekick]]'' (2010-2013)

*Well, there's always next season.
**Who: Dr. Eggman
**Source: ''[[Sonic Boom (TV series)]]'' (2014-2017)

*Game over butt-nik!
**Who: Sonic
**Source: ''[[Sonic Underground]]'' (1999)

*I may have been small today, but it turned out to be the biggest day of my life.
**Who: Oso
**Source: ''[[Special Agent Oso]]'' (2009-2012)

*Kimmy? Uh, hello? Kimmy. Umm... Kimmy?
**Who: Amber
**Source: ''[[Sym-Bionic Titan]]'' (2010-2011)

*Umifriend, we couldn't have done it without you!
**Who: Milli
**Notes: Those are the last spoken words on every episode in Season 1.
*I feel a celebration coming on!
**Who: Bot
**Source: ''[[Team Umizoomi]]'' (2010-2015)
**Notes: Those are the last spoken words on every episode (starting with the second season), the actual last line is the final verse of the Umi Shake song: &quot;Mighty, mighty, mighty... MATH POWERS!&quot;

*Beast Boy to Robin: I'm on my way, over.
**Who: Beast Boy
**Source: ''[[Teen Titans]]'' (2003-2006)
**Note: Cancelled after five seasons.

* If you don't mind me saying, a Royally Useful Engine.
** Who: The Queen
** Source: ''[[Thomas &amp; Friends]]'' (1984-2021)
** Series ultimately got cancelled due to poor toy sales; succeeded by its reboot ''All Engines Go''.

*The different animals of Third Earth, working together for the first time. You know why? You, Lion-O. You gave them something to believe in. Now, there's still one more stone left. Are we gonna find it or what?
**Who: WilyKit
**Source: ''[[ThunderCats (2011 TV series)|ThunderCats]]'' (2011-2012)

*Okay, time page. How about some help with my math homework?
**Who: Anna
**Source: ''[[w:Time Warp Trio|Time Warp Trio]]'' (2005-2006)

*It's really good. And Yoko likes (baby beans) burritos. She likes almond cookies too. Can you put an extra one in my lunch box tomorrow and some lettuce for Norman...
**Who: Juanita
**Source: ''[[Timothy Goes to School]]'' (2000-2001)

*Oh, and send an ambulance, Sarge. An art lover just fainted.
**Who: Dibble
**Source: ''[[Top Cat]]'' (1961-1962)

*Huh? Awesome!
**Who: Sam
**Source: ''[[Totally Spies]]'' (2001-2015)

*You know it, Pipster. Let's flamin-go!
**Who: Freddy
**Source: ''T.O.T.S.'' (2018-2022)

*Hooray for T.U.F.F.!
**Who: Dudley Puppy, Kitty Katswell, Keswick, and Chief Herbert Dumbrowski
**Source: ''[[T.U.F.F. Puppy]]'' (2010-2015)

*One more thing, how about a dance?
**Who: Tut
**Source: ''[[Tutenstein]]'' (2003-2008)

*Suck my balls! (Thanks for watching!)
**Who: Manbird
**Source: ''[[Ugly Americans]]'' (2010-2012)

*Aw, yeah!
**Who: Uncle Grandpa, Mr. Gus, Pizza Steve, Giant Realistic Flying Tiger, Belly Bag and Frankenstein
**Source: ''[[Uncle Grandpa]]'' (2013-2017)

*The Scare B&amp;B will always be a place for everyone, no matter how different you are. Whether you're human, monster, ghost or ghoul. Or someone who's blue with pointy teeth, like me.
**Who: Vampirina &quot;Vee&quot; Hauntley
* We love you, Vee!
**Who: Bridget
**Source: ''[[Vampirina]]'' (2017-2021)

*To Allura!
**Who: Takashi 'Shiro' Shirogane, Keith, Lance, Katie &quot;Pidge&quot; Holt, and Hunk
**Source: ''[[Voltron: Legendary Defender]]'' (2016-2018)
**Notes: The epilogue reveals what happened to the characters of the show after honoring Allura right before the credits start.

*Nothing ever changes.
**Who: Sylvia and Peepers 
*(post-credits:) They'll get what's coming to them.
**Who: Lord Dominator
**Source: ''[[Wander Over Yonder]]'' (2013-2016)

*Oh, Todd.
**Who: Maurecia
**Source: ''[[Wayside (TV series)|Wayside]]'' (2007-2008)

*Monsta X!
**Who: [[wikipedia:Monsta X|Monsta X]]
**Source: ''[[We Bare Bears]]'' (2015-2019)

*Later days!
**Who: Everyone
**Source: ''[[The Weekenders]]'' (2000-2004)

*Oh well, I guess I'll just have to eat it myself. Works every time.
**Who: Gus
**Source: ''[[Willa's Wild Life]]'' (2008-2010)

*Since we’re coming clean, I always knew you were a monkey.
**Who: Violet
**Source: ''[[WordGirl]]'' (2007-2015)

*Schlitweitz!
**Who: David and Lisa
**Source: ''[[The World of David the Gnome]]'' (1987)

*Wait, did we forget to put away the Happy Ha-Ha Bugs?
**Who: Wubbzy
**Source: ''[[Wow! Wow! Wubbzy!]]'' (2006-2010)

*Here we go! Yo Gabba Gabba...
**Who: DJ Lance
**Source: ''[[Yo Gabba Gabba!]]'' (2007-2015)
**Note: End of every episode catchphrase.

===''Hilda''===
*Odds are...she'd do it again.
**Who: The Wood Man (Season 1)
**Source: ''Hilda'' (2018-present)

*Oh, Hilda. It's beautiful.
**Who: Johanna (Season 2)
**Source: ''Hilda'' (2018-present)

* Woo-hoo...Oof!
**Who: Hilda
**Source: ''Hilda and The Mountain King'' (2021)

===''Amphibia''===
* Hold on for a little longer girls. I'm coming for you and when I find you, we're gonna get home, but first I think we're gonna have some fun with this place.
**Who: Sasha Waybright (Season 1A)
**Source: ''Amphibia'' (2019-2022)

* No, I'm not.
**Who: Anne Boonchuy (Season 1B)
**Source: ''Amphibia'' (2019-2022)

* I have a proposition for you Marcy. And I think you'll find it very interesting.
**Who: King Andras (Season 2A)
**Source: ''Amphibia'' (2019-2022)
**Note: Although &quot;A Day at the Aquarium&quot; is the mid-season finale, the mid-season finale that's a non-canon is &quot;The Shut In&quot; which could either be the season premiere or the mid-season finale. If the next episode was the mid-season finale, then the last line would be &quot;Not a holiday! Definitely not a holiday!&quot; by Anne Boonchuy.

* Home.
**Who: Anne Boonchuy (Season 2B)
**Source: ''Amphibia'' (2019-2022)

* I can't imagine spending the holidays without your family. I know how hard it is to be apart and not know if you'll ever see each other again. So, I'm writing to let you know your daughter is alive. She's trapped in another world, but I promise, I'm going to bring her back home safe. Signed, a friend.
**Who: Anne Boonchuy (Season 3A)
**Source: ''Amphibia'' (2019-2022)
**Note: Although, it's not technically the last line in Season 3A. The mid-season finale was supposed to be &quot;Escape to Amphibia&quot;. That means Anne's real last line in Season 3A was supposed to be &quot;What happened here?&quot;.

* Change can be difficult, but it's how we grow. It can be the hardest thing to realize you can't hold on to something forever. Sometimes, you have to let it go. But of the things you let go, you'd be surprised what makes its way back to you.
**Who: Anne Boonchuy (Season 3B)
**Source: ''Amphibia'' (2019-2022)

===''Bluey''===
*Verandah Santa's just trying to do his job! You naughty kids! ''[laughs as he's being pummeled]''
**Who: Bandit Heeler (Series 1)
**Source: ''Bluey'' (2018-present)

*Remember I'll always be here for you, even if you can't see me. Because I love you.
**Who: Chilli Heeler (Series 2, Part 1)
**Source: ''Bluey'' (2018-present)

*He remembered us.
**Who: Bluey Christine Heeler and Bingo Heeler (Series 2, Part 2)
**Source: ''Bluey'' (2018-present)

*Works for me.
**Who: Bandit Heeler and Chilli Heeler (Series 3, Part 1)
**Source: ''Bluey'' (2018-present)

*Yes...yes...you got it! Woo hoo!!!
**Who 1: Bandit Heeler, Chilli Heeler, Pat, and Janelle (Series 3, Part 2)
*Come here, Chucky!
**Who 2: Pat and Janelle (Series 3, Part 2)
**Source: ''Bluey'' (2018-present)

===''The Cuphead Show!''===
*Sorry, boys. I like ya, but not enough to tango with the cops. So long, fellas.
**Who: Ms. Chalice (Part 1)
**Source: ''The Cuphead Show!'' (2022-present)

=== ''Elliott from Earth'' ===
*Oh. Was that meant to happen?
**Who: 105E
**Source: ''[[Elliott from Earth]]'', Diminishing Discourse (2021)

===''The Powerpuff Girls''===
*''Mojo!!!'' You get out of there! You're nothing but a big party-crasher!!!
**Who: Bubbles
*So once again, the day is saved. Thanks to The Powerpuff Girls...and the contaminated banana cream pie. 
**Who: Narrator
**Source: ''[[The Powerpuff Girls]]'' (1998-2005)

*Hoc-guy?
**Who: The Professor
**Source: ''[[The Powerpuff Girls (2016 TV series)|The Powerpuff Girls]]'' (2016-2019)

===''Cat Burglar''===
* But I...
**Who: Rowdy (Bad Ending)
**Source: ''Cat Burglar'' (2022)

* What can I say? I'm a non-existential cartoon cat!
**Who: Rowdy (Good Ending)
**Source: ''Cat Burglar'' (2022)

===''Big City Greens''===
*One step ahead of you.
**Who: Remy Remington (Season 1A)
**Source: ''Big City Greens'' (2018-present)

*Whaaaaa?!
**Who: Remy Remington (Season 1B)
**Source: ''Big City Greens'' (2018-present)
**Note: Quote from &quot;Phoenix Rises&quot; which is the actual mid-season finale. But, &quot;Forbidden Feline&quot; is probably the mid-season finale as it counts as a holiday special, despite it being the 37th episode in chronological order. So, the last line could be &quot;Look, I'm sorry I abandoned you earlier, but if you're gonna fancy me up, AT LEAST LET ME PICK THE DRESS!!!!&quot; by Cricket Green. 

*Ugh, fine.
**Who: Cricket Green (Season 1C)
**Source: ''Big City Greens'' (2018-present)

*WHAT HAPPENED?!
**Who: Bill Green (Season 2A)
**Source: ''Big City Greens'' (2018-present)

*And yet, it just...''did.''
**Who: Tilly Green (Season 2B)
**Source: ''Big City Greens'' (2018-present)

*No, it's Gloria ''Plus'' Green. My name isn't -- oh, forget it.
**Who: Gloria Sato (Season 2C)
**Source: ''Big City Greens'' (2018-present)

*I'M INNOCENT I SWEAR!!! Ah, forget it. I'll just see myself to my room.
**Who: Cricket Green (Season 3A part 1)
**Source: ''Big City Greens'' (2018-present)

*I just had the craziest idea...
**Who: Bill Green (Season 3A part 2)
**Source: ''Big City Greens'' (2018-present)

===''The Ghost and Molly McGee''===
* Ooh!
**Who: Molly McGee (Season 1)
**Source: ''[[The Ghost and Molly McGee]]'' (2021-present)

===''The Owl House''===
* Wow...what a night! Now...can someone let me down? Anyone...?
**Who: Snaggleback (Season 1A)
**Source: ''The Owl House'' (2020-present)

* In the meantime, the Day of Unity is upon us. And we have much work to do.
**Who: Emperor Belos (Season 1B)
**Source: ''The Owl House'' (2020-present)

* Who dubbed you a parent?
**Who: Eda (Season 2A)
**Source: ''The Owl House'' (2020-present)

*Hey, Mom. I'm back.
**Who: Luz Noceda (Season 2B)
**Source: ''The Owl House'' (2020-present)

===''Animaniacs''===
*That's why the right man for the job...''[tosses her hair]'' is always a woman. Wink!
** Who: Dot Warner (Season 1)
**Source: ''[[Animaniacs (2020 TV series)]]'' (2020-present)

*This time, I wonder if we'll dream.
** Who: Wakko Warner (Season 2)
**Source: ''[[Animaniacs (2020 TV series)]]'' (2020-present)

*It actually doesn't stink!
**Who: [[w:Yakko, Wakko, and Dot|Wakko Warner]]
*(post-credits:) Goodbye, nurse!
**Who: [[w:Yakko, Wakko, and Dot|Yakko, Wakko, and Dot]]
**Source: ''[[Animaniacs]]'' (1993-1998)

*I am not a refrigerator!
**Who: [[w:List_of_Animaniacs_characters#Pinky and the Brain|The Brain (Brain2-Me2)]]
**Source: ''[[Pinky and the Brain]]'' (1995-1998)

*And the moral of our story is...
**Who: Yakko Warner
**Source: ''[[Wakko's Wish]]'' (1999)

*I'm Underwear Head!
**Who: [[w:List_of_Tiny_Toon_Adventures_characters#Elmyra Duff|Elmyra Duff]]
*They're Pinky, the Brain, and Underwear Head-head-head-head-head.
**Who: Off-screen vocals
**Source: ''[[Pinky, Elmyra &amp; the Brain]]'' (1998-1999)

===''Gravity Falls''===
*That's good.
**Who: Gideon Gleeful (Season 1A)
*(in-credits) Cross this town off our list.
**Who: Winninghouse Coupon Saver  (Season 1A)

*Here we go.
**Who: Stanley Pines (Season 1B)

*I am so on it, dude.
**Who: Soos Ramirez (Season 2A)

*If you've ever taken a road trip through the pacific northwest, you've probably seen a bumper sticker for a place called &quot;Gravity Falls&quot;. It's not on any maps, and most people have never heard of it, some people think it's a myth. But if you're curious, don't wait. Take a trip. Find it. It's out there, somewhere in the woods. Waiting.
**Who: Dipper Pines (Season 2B)
**Source: ''[[Gravity Falls]]'' (2012–2016)

===''Elinor Wonders Why''===
*Hello, baby tree!
**Who: Olive Elephant (Season 1A)
**Source: ''Elinor Wonders Why'' (2020-present)

*Yes! We need more observations! Salta, ranita, salta! ''[giggles]''
**Who: Elinor Rabbit (Season 1B)
**Source: ''Elinor Wonders Why'' (2020-present)

===''Star vs. the Forces of Evil''===
*I hope you found all the pieces to the wand.
**Who: Glossaryck (Season 1)

*I'm not a malady.
**Who: Ludo (Season 2A)

*Star! Hey! What do you mean--? ''[gasps]'' Star...?
**Who: Marco Diaz (Season 2B)

*My name is Metora.
**Who: Metora Butterfly (Season 3A)

*Hello, my love. We're home.
**Who: Eclipsa (Season 3B)

*Okay, you know, I will be waiting by the elevator.
**Who: Marco Diaz (Season 4A)

*Hi.
**Who: Star Butterfly (Season 4B)
**Source: ''[[Star vs. the Forces of Evil]]'' (2015-2019)

===''Ben 10''===
*And for Ben Tennyson, who didn't want the summer to end, he would come to realize that going back to school was merely another beginning.
**Who: Narrator
**Source: ''[[Ben 10 (2005 TV series)|Ben 10]]'' (2005-2008)
**Notes: The final episode of the original series, ''Goodbye and Good Riddance'', was retconned as non-canon in the sequel series.

*If he ever does, it's hero time!
**Who: Ben Tennyson
**Source: ''[[Ben 10: Alien Force]]'' (2008-2010)

*Two is plenty.
**Who: Doyle Blackwell
**Source: ''[[The Secret Saturdays]]'' (2008-2010)

*Perhaps for your eighteenth birthday.
**Who: Azmuth
**Source: ''[[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien]]'' (2010-2012)

*Gwen? Okay, fine, Gwen''dolyn'', you and Kevin pack your bags, we're going on a road trip!
**Who: Ben Tennyson
**Source: ''[[Ben 10: Omniverse]]'' (2012-2014)

*You know what that means, kiddos? Team Tennyson is back in business!
**Who: Grandpa Max Tennyson
**Source: ''[[Ben 10 (2017 TV series)|Ben 10]]'' (2017-2021)

===''The Berenstain Bears''===
*What about my kumquats? Oh, I love those kumquats.
**Who: Weasel McGreed
**Source: ''[[The Berenstain Bears (1985 TV series)|The Berenstain Bears]]'' (1985-1987)

*Anytime. Your tool belt will be right here waiting.
**Who: Papa Q. Bear
**Source: ''[[The Berenstain Bears (2003 TV series)|The Berenstain Bears]]'' (2003-2004)

===''Cow and Chicken''===
*Yeah! hold it, It was brilliant! Bravo! Get up, my little crab friends. Ow! oh, oh. Ow! oh, oh. Ha, ha, ha, ha! Easy with the pinchers. Ow! ow! oh. I did not have to bring you guys tonight! Looks like Red Guy always gets in the END! Ha, ha, ha, ha!
**Who: Red Guy
**Source: ''[[Cow and Chicken]]'' (1997-1999)

*It was Baboon all along and not me that everyone was watching. I am not a legend, I am a tool. Well, I guess it's dummies won, smart guys zero.
**Who: I.M Weasel
**Source: ''[[I Am Weasel]]'' (1997-2000)

===DC animated universe===
*It's okay, there'll be another time.
**Who: Batgirl
**Source: ''[[Batman: The Animated Series]]'' (1992-1995)

*One person at a time.
**Who: Lois Lane
**Source: ''[[Superman: The Animated Series]]'' (1996-2000)

*Guilty... guilty... guilty...
**Who: Two-Face
**Source: ''[[The New Batman Adventures]]'' (1997-1999)

*I'm coming.
**Who: Miguel Diaz 
**Source: ''[[Batman Beyond]]'' (1999-2001)

*Yeah, they can't get rid of ''us'' that easily.
**Who: Static
**Source: ''[[Static Shock]]'' (2000-2004)

*Don't worry, Zee, we'll find a way.
**Who: Ro Rowan 
**Source: ''[[The Zeta Project]]'' (2001-2002)

*I love you, too.
**Who: [[Green Lantern]] John Stewart
**Source: ''[[Justice League]]'' (2001-2004)

*And the adventure continues.
**Who: Wonder Woman
**Source: ''[[Justice League|Justice League Unlimited]]'' (2004-2006)

===DIC ''Mario'' Cartoons===
*Y'know, dearie, I've enjoyed your visit, but do me one favor: Next time, let me come and visit you!
**Who: Grandma Toadstool
**Source: ''[[The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!]]'' (1989)

*Yeah, but we couldn't have done it without our Toad!
**Who: Mario
**Source: ''[[The Adventures of Super Mario Bros. 3]]'' (1990)

*Good night. Mama Luigi.
**Who: Yoshi
**Source: ''[[Super Mario World (TV series)|Super Mario World]]'' (1991)

===''Digimon''===
*Our adventure in the Digital World might be over for now, but that gate won't stay closed forever. I have a feeling that this won't be the last time we see our pals, the Digimon! You wait and see. One day, that portal will open up again and we'll return to the Digital World! I wonder if Agumon will remember me? I know I'll never forget him, or the rest of the Digimon! None of us will!
**Who: Tai Kamiya
**Source: ''Digimon Adventure'' (1999-2000)

*So, you can see we're still having adventures. They're just a little different from the ones we used to have when we were kids. The darkness has not been conquered, and it will continue to fight against the light forever, but as long as people remember to follow their dreams, evil will be kept at bay. And on days like today, it's hard to see any darkness anywhere. Now it's up to our children, and to children everywhere, to follow their dreams. Who knows where they'll end up, but the only way to find out is to take that first step into adventure.
**Who: T.K. Takashi
**Source: ''Digimon Adventure 02'' (2000-2001)

*Even though I thought I would never be the same, the world soon went back to normal and after a while so did I. Life became exactly as it was before I met Guilmon. Kazu still made bad jokes and Miss Nami still gave too much homework. Sometimes I go by our old hangouts just to see if he's there. Don't know why I bother, 'cause he's never there. Most times I'm OK but there's this one thing that bugs me: a promise I made to a friend—a promise I don't think I can keep.
**Who: Takato Matsuki
**Source: ''Digimon Tamers'' (2001-2002)

*But even if I spent time with my family— or other friends or with our family or just hanging around not crying I'll be best friends with you guys forever!
**Who: The Digidestined
**Source: ''Digimon Frontier'' (2002-2003)

===''Dora the Explorer''===
*Gracias.
**Who: Dora Márquez
**Source: ''[[Dora the Explorer]]'' (2000-2019)
**Note: End of every episode catchphrase.

*Adios, amigos! See you soon!
**Who: Dora Márquez, Emma, Kate, Naiya, and Alana 
**Source: ''[[Dora and Friends: Into the City!]]'' (2014-2016)
**Note: End of every episode catchphrase.

*See you soon.
**Who: Alicia Márquez
**Source: ''[[Go, Diego, Go!]]'' (2005-2011)
**Note: End of every episode catchphrase.

===''Dragon Ball''===
*For the continued adventures of Goku and his friends, be sure to watch Dragon Ball Z!
**Who: Narrator
**Source: ''Dragon Ball'' (1986-1989)

*Young Uub has been taken in by the greatest warrior on the planet--Goku, the orphan who fell from the stars to become the savior of mankind. One thing is certain: as long as Goku lives, peace AND prosperity will reign.
**Who: Narrator
**Source: ''Dragon Ball Z'' (1989-1996)

*Til we meet again, guys!
**Who: Goku
**Source: ''Dragon Ball GT'' (1996-1997)

*Goku, please come home.
**Who: Narrator
**Source: ''Dragon Ball Z Kai'' (2010-2018)

*See you all again!
**Who: Narrator
**Source: ''Dragon Ball Super'' (2017-2019)

===''DuckTales''===
*Me wallet! Stop that thief! Don't let that sneak get away! Dijon!
**Who: Scrooge McDuck
**Source: ''[[DuckTales (1987 TV series)|DuckTales]]'' (1987-1990)

*Plenty more adventures where that came from, eh, lad? Now, where in blazes is that cocoa stand? I am freezing!
**Who: Scrooge McDuck (Season 1A)

*Boys?!
**Who: Della Duck (Season 1B)

*I'm home.
**Who: Della Duck (Season 2A)

*This has gone too far. The ducks almost cost us a world today. And, without the world, who would we larceny against? The pieces are finally in piece. Time to come out of the shadows, take control, and end Clan Mcduck. If the Mcduck family wants an adventure, we'll give them their last.
**Who: Chairman Bradford Buzzard/FOWL Agent (Season 2B)

*Woo-hoo!
**Who: Huey, Dewey, Louie, and Webby (Season 3A)

*Alright. That was close, Launchpad. Phew, almost ruined the tender family moment.
**Who: Launchpad McQuack (Season 3B)
**Source: ''[[DuckTales (2017 TV series)|DuckTales]]'' (2017-2021)

===''Fancy Nancy''===
*We here at the School De Fancy now sees that everyone has their own way of being fancy. And as long as it makes you happy...we think it's magnifique!
**Who: Nancy Clancy (Season 1)
**Source: ''Fancy Nancy'' (2018-2022)

*It sure feels magnifique to be home!
**Who: Nancy Clancy (Season 2)
**Source: ''Fancy Nancy'' (2018-2022)

*It's…magic. And the only thing more magical than Paris is famille. That's French for family.
**Who: Nancy Clancy (Season 3)
**Source: ''Fancy Nancy'' (2018-2022)

===''The Proud Family''===
*Come on, Puff!
**Who: Suga Mama (Season 1)
**Source: ''The Proud Family: Louder and Prouder'' (2022-present)

===''Infinity Train''===
*I'm ready for anything.
**Who: Tulip Olsen (Season 1)
**Source: ''[[Infinity Train]]'' (2019-2021)

*I wanted to be cool one time, just once. Nerd.
**Who: Jesse Cosay (Season 2)
**Source: ''[[Infinity Train]]'' (2019-2021)

*Guess we'll have to figure it out.
**Who: Grace Monroe (Season 3)
**Source: ''[[Infinity Train]]'' (2019-2021)

*We're...
*We're working on it.
**Who: Min-Gi Park and Ryan Akagi (Season 4)
**Source: ''[[Infinity Train]]'' (2019-2021)

===''Inspector Gadget''===
*I'll get you next time, Gadget! Just you wait!
**Who: Dr. Claw
**Source: ''[[Inspector Gadget]]'' (1982-1986)

===''The Lion King''===
*Oy.
**Who: [[w:Timon and Pumbaa|Timon]]
**Source: ''[[Timon &amp; Pumbaa (TV series)|Timon &amp; Pumbaa]]'' (1995-1999)

===''The Loud House''===
*Dang it!
**Who: Loud family (Season 1)
**Source: ''[[The Loud House]]'' (2016-present)

*Looks like we're getting the hang of not being so overprotective, huh, Howie? Howie? I'll get the smelling salts.
**Who: Harold McBride (Season 2)
**Source: ''[[The Loud House]]'' (2016-present)

*Ooh, I got one: hamburgers.
**Who: Leni Loud (Season 3)
**Source: ''[[The Loud House]]'' (2016-present)

*It's just till the end of the summer.
**Who: Lori Loud (Season 4)
**Source: ''[[The Loud House]]'' (2016-present)

*You got it! All right, everybody. Back to class, or it's a week's detention!
**Who: Rusty Spokes (Season 5)
**Source: ''[[The Loud House]]'' (2016-present)

*Ronnie Anne! That's my line!
**Who: Carlino Casagrande (Season 1)
**Source: ''[[The Casagrandes]]'' (2019-present)

*Thank you, Mr. President.
**Who: Ronnie Anne Santiago (Season 2)
**Source: ''[[The Casagrandes]]'' (2019-present)

===''Madagascar''===
*Even the problem, not our jurisdiction.
**Who: [[w:List_of_Madagascar_(franchise)_characters#Skipper|Skipper]]
**Source: ''[[The Penguins of Madagascar]]'' (2008-2015)

*Where are we?
**Who: [[w:List_of_Madagascar_(franchise)_characters#Alex|Alex]]
**Source: ''[[All Hail King Julien]]'' (2014-2017)

===''Marvel Animation Universe''===
*I made the show. Hulk Out. Bam, I said it. Hulk Out.
**Who: A-Bomb
**Source: ''[[Hulk and the Agents of S.M.A.S.H.]]'' (2013-2015)

*So, I guess this is it. But there's no need to get all sappy. I thought once I became the Ultimate Spider-Man, that would mean my work was done. But far from it. This isn't the end, this is only the beginning.
**Who: Spider-Man
**Source: ''[[Ultimate Spider-Man (TV series)|Ultimate Spider-Man]]'' (2012–2017)

===''My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic''===
*In fact, it’s made it...
*...the best night ever!
**Who: Mane Six and Spike (Season 1)
**Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019)

*Oh, yeah? Just wait until you see what I have planned for the bachelor party!
**Who: Spike (Season 2)
**Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019)

*Yes! Everything's gonna be just fine!
**Who: Twilight Sparkle (Season 3)
**Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019)

*Yes, well, I suppose not.
**Who: Discord (Season 4)
**Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019)

*Wonder what she's dreaming about now.
**Who: Spike (Season 5A)
**Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019)

*Starting is easy. All you have to do is make a friend; and you've got ''seven'' of them right here.
**Who: Twilight Sparkle (Season 5B)
**Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019)

*Friendship lessons can happen...anywhere.
**Who: Starlight Glimmer (Season 6A)
**Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019)

*Somepony is really gonna have to catch us up on what we missed.
**Who: Rainbow Dash (Season 6B)
**Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019)

*Seriously, this is heavy.
**Who: Pinkie Pie (Season 7A)
**Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019)

*It's funny. I thought meeting my idol would give me all the answers I ever wanted. But instead, I forgot what I already knew. Good thing I had a student of my own to remind me.
**Who: Twilight Sparkle (Season 7B)
**Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019)

*Gotcha! Maybe I'm not such a bad actress after all.
**Who: Princess Celestia (Season 8A)
**Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019)

*Hey, neighbor. Wanna be friends?
**Who: Cozy Glow (Season 8B)
**Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019)

*Nicely done.
**Who: Princess Celestia (Season 9A)
**Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019)

*That's all right, because I know exactly where to send you.
**Who: Future Twilight Sparkle (Season 9B)
**Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019)

===''Green Eggs and Ham''===
*That's why we should get going!
**Who: Sam-I-Am (Season 1)
**Source: ''Green Eggs and Ham'' (2019-2022)

*Yes! She loves it! That is good news!
**Who: Sam-I-Am (Season 2)
**Source: ''Green Eggs and Ham'' (2019-2022)

===''Rugrats''===
*Happy Birthday, Kimi!
**Who: Chuckie Finster
**Source: ''[[Rugrats]]'' (1991-2004)

*&quot;Gotcha&quot;!?
**Who: Tommy Pickles
**Source: ''[[All Grown Up!]]'' (2003-2008)

*Well look, class! Our friend Mr. Sun has come to say hello! Isn't it wonderful? And we're all back to our happy happy happy selves!
**Who: Miss Weemer
**Source: ''[[Rugrats Pre-School Daze]]'' (2008)

===''Steven Universe''===
*Yes, please!
**Who: Pearl
**Source: ''[[Steven Universe]]'' (2013-2019)

*Bye!
**Who: Pearl
**Source: ''[[Steven Universe Future]]'' (2019-2020)

===''Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles''===
*Except Donatello's cooking.
**Who: [[w:Raphael (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Raphael]]
**Source: ''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1987 TV series)|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]]'' (1987-1996)

*Yeah! Ha-ha-ha!
**Who: [[w:Michelangelo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Michelangelo]]
**Source: ''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003 TV series)|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]]'' (2003-2009)

*We are home.
**Who: [[w:Raphael (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Raphael]]
**Source: ''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012 TV series)|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]]'' (2012-2017)

*Wait, what?
**Who: [[w:Leonardo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Leonardo]]
**Source: ''[[Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]]'' (2018-2020)

===''Tiny Toon Adventures''===
*Season's Greetings!
**Who: [[w:List_of_Tiny_Toon_Adventures_characters#Gogo Dodo|Gogo Dodo]]
**Source: ''[[Tiny Toon Adventures]]'' (1990-1992)

*Parting is such sweet sorrow.
**Who: [[w:List_of_Tiny_Toon_Adventures_characters#Plucky Duck|Plucky Duck]]
**Source: ''[[The Plucky Duck Show]]'' (1992)

===''Total Drama''===
*At least things can only go up from here. [sighs] Of course.
**Who: Dave
**Source: ''[[Total Drama]]'' (2007-2014)

* Yes. Throw all your money on the ground. Very smart. That's all for now, we hope we enjoyed our incredible race around the world. Be sure to keep an eye out for more of ''The Ridonculous Race''.
**Who: Don
**Source: ''[[Total Drama Presents: The Ridonculous Race]]'' (2015)

===''Transformers''===
*We shall see, Galvatron. We shall see.
**Who: Zarak
**Source: ''[[Transformers: Generation 1|The Transformers]]'' (1984-1987)

*Waspinator happy at last.
**Who: Waspinator
**Source: ''[[Beast Wars|Beast Wars: Transformers]]'' (1996-1999)

*He's with us, Rattrap. As long as Cybertron is alive, Optimus lives on. In our hearts and our memories. As well Megatron had also played a grand role in the vital scheme. The vision from the Oracle has come to pass. Optimus has finally achieved his mission.
**Who: Cheetor
**Source: ''[[Beast Machines|Beast Machines: Transformers]]'' (1999-2000)

*''Who's the smartest shark around?/Who's the coolest shark in town?/Sky-Byte, that's me!'' Ha!
**Who: Sky-Byte
**Source: ''[[Transformers: Robots in Disguise (2001)|Transformers: Robots in Disguise]]'' (2001-2002)

*The war between the Autobots and the Decepticons has come to an end, and without the hatred between the two sides, there was no evil to feed Unicron, and he became powerless. Both Unicron and Megatron scattered into the far reaches of the universe. As for me, my purpose has been served. Cybertron is safe and Transformers live in peace with the Mini-Cons. So the next time you look out into space and see a peaceful star far, far away, it just might be Cybertron. TRANSFORM!
**Who: Optimus Prime
**Source: ''[[Transformers: Armada]]'' (2002-2003)

*Check it out, Ironhide. That's our future out there.
**Who: Kicker Jones
**Source: ''[[Transformers: Energon]]'' (2004-2005)

*Fire up the engines to full throttle! We have a course set to the far reaches of the universe, and it's time to go! Courage, hope for the future, and teamwork—our adventure will continue as long as we remember the words of Primus: 'Til all are one! TRANSFORM!!!
**Who: Optimus Prime and everybody
**Source: ''[[Transformers: Cybertron]]'' (2005-2006)

*That would be the easy way out, Megatron. You don't deserve it.
**Who: Optimus Prime
**Source: ''[[Transformers Animated]]'' (2007-2009)

*Until we meet again, old friend.
**Who: Optimus Prime
**Source: ''[[Transformers: Prime]]'' (2010-2013)

*I want to get a picture of my heroes.
**Who: Chief Charlie Burns
**Source: ''[[Transformers: Rescue Bots]]'' (2011-2016)

*Saved by the howl. Autobots, let's rev up and roll out.
**Who: Bumblebee
**Source: ''[[Transformers: Robots in Disguise (2015)|Transformers: Robots in Disguise]]'' (2015-2017)

===''Unikitty!''===

*Nice job, Bat-team.
**Who: Unikitty (Season 1)
**Source: ''[[Unikitty!]]'' (2017-2020)

*Happens to the festival, Amigo.
**Who: Dunklecorn (Season 2)
**Source: ''[[Unikitty!]]'' (2017-2020)

*Nice.
**Who: One of the Two Astronauts (Season 3)
**Source: ''[[Unikitty!]]'' (2017-2020)

===''[[Winx Club]]''===
*Listen. Whatever it is you choose to do, I want you to know that you're not alone.
**Who: Sky (Cinélume, Season 1)
*To next year!
**Who: Alfea students (4Kids, Season 1)

*Mirta!
**Who: Bloom (Cinélume, Season 2)
*Wait for us!
**Who: Bloom (4Kids, Season 2)

*Yes, I think I'm ready. Mom, dad, I feel like were going to meet very, very soon.
**Who: Bloom (Cinélume, Season 3)
*I think I'm ready. Mom, Dad, I feel like we're going to meet really soon.
**Who: Bloom (4Kids, Season 3)
*I ''am'' ready. Mom, Dad, I have a feeling we're going to meet very, very soon.
**Who: Bloom (Atlas Oceanic, Season 3)

*Your journey on the path of magic also passes through Gardenia. Now off you go, you're on in a minute!
**Who: Faragonda (Cinélume, Season 4)
*A fairy's magical journey includes all her dreams and passions. Now off you go, show me what you've got, girls!
**Who: Faragonda (Atlas Oceanic, Season 4)

*Best little sister in the known universe!
**Who: Daphne (Season 5)

*Thanks, cuz.
**Who: Thoren (Season 6)

*Even the smallest creature can play a key role in the destiny of all the worlds.
**Who: Bloom (Season 7)

*Winx forever!
**Who: Stella (Season 8)

*There is not enough room for fairies and witches on Earth!
**Who: Venomya/Baba Yaga
**Source: ''[[World of Winx]]'' (2016-2017)
**Note: Ended after two seasons with no resolution due to the crew returning to the original show.

==See also==
* [[First lines in animated TV shows]]

[[Category:Last lines|Animated]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows|*]]</text>
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    <title>First lines in animated TV shows</title>
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      <text bytes="38757" xml:space="preserve">==Animated TV shows==
* I am so behind on my spring shopping! I do this every year.
**Who: Tricia
**Source: ''[[6teen]]'' (2004-2010)

*Watch it! The door sticks a little!
**Who: Miranda Hatcher
**Source: ''Abby Hatcher'' (2019-2022)

*Ah, it’s a beautiful night for a stroll, eh, Carl?
**Who: Jimmy Neutron
**Source: ''[[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius]]'' (2002-2006)

* Yeah, you think you're pretty way up there but I can get you!
**Who: Jake
**Source: ''[[Adventure Time]]'' (2010-2018)

* Gumball, don't forget to take that DVD back today or we'll get a fine.
**Who: Nicole Watterson
**Source: ''[[The Amazing World of Gumball]]'' (2011-2019)

* Shut up, Steve. I have a term paper due.
** Who: Hayley Smith
** Source: ''[[American Dad!]]'' (2005–present)

* Gentlemen! Vegetables have threatened man for generations. I have obtained funds to solve this vegetable nightmare!
**Who: Dr. Weird
**Source: ''[[Aqua Teen Hunger Force]]'' (2000-2015)

* Come with me.
**Who: [[w:List of Arthur characters#D.W. Read|D.W. Read]]
**Source: ''[[Arthur (TV series)|Arthur]]'' (1996-2022)

* He's here!
**Who: Rupert Thorne
**Source: ''[[The Batman]]'' (2004-2008)

*Whoo-hoo!
**Who: Blaze
**Source: ''Blaze and the Monster Machines'' (2014-present)

*And if you look out your window, you'll see the Amazon Rainforest. Home to more plants and animals than the rest of the world put together.
**Who: Airplane announcer
**Source: ''[[Brandy &amp; Mr. Whiskers]]'' (2004-2006)

*Listen, pep talk. Big day today. It's our grand re-re-reopening. It's Labor Day weekend, and it looks like Wonder Wharf is getting mobbed, so we have...
**Who: Bob Belcher
**Source: ''[[Bob's Burgers]]'' (2011-present)

* I think it bobbed.
**Who: [[w:List of Camp Lazlo characters#Chip and Skip|Skip]]
**Source: ''[[Camp Lazlo]]'' (2005-2008)

* The war had been raging for as long I could remember. I lost my father to the war. I lost my mother to the war. And this was my only friend left in the world. Chaos, blood shed, and battle was the only life we'd ever known.
** Who: Horse
** Source: ''[[Centaurworld]]'' (2021)

*OUCH! Oh boy.
**Who: Joe Tabootie
**Source: ''[[ChalkZone]]'' (2002-2005; 2008)

* I'll read these books to you when we get home, okay, Corduroy?
**Who: Lisa
**Source: ''[[Corduroy (TV series)|Corduroy]]'' (2000-2001)

* Ah, today's gonna be a good day. Aah! Aahh! Ow! Oof! Oh, great- there goes breakfast. Ow! My foot! Stupid thing! OW! My foot! Stupid thing! See? I learned. Ow! Don't even know why I put that lamp there in the first place. What the heck would you make a swinging lamp for? Makes me want to burn down the 70s. Ow! Oof! Was that an armadillo? I'm gonna laugh when you're roadkill. What the- Not my car! Cactus needles, red dirt, Adobe... ''NEEEW MEXICOOOOOOOO!!!'' (Show and episode title appear)
**Who: Dan
**Source: ''[[Dan Vs.]]'' (2011-2013)

* So, Danny... You and your little friends want to hunt ghosts?
**Who: Jack Fenton
**Source: ''[[Danny Phantom]]'' (2004-2007)

* Girls, I just want you to know your mother and I realize it's not easy moving to a whole new town -- especially for you, Daria, right?
**Who: Jake
**Source: ''[[Daria]]'' (1997-2001)

*Dee Dee! Can you please check if your brother is ready for school?
**Who: Dexter's Mom
**Source: ''[[Dexter's Laboratory]]'' (1996-2003)

* Hi, I'm Dora. What's your name?
**Who: Dora Márquez
**Source: ''[[Dora the Explorer]]'' (2000-2019)

* &quot;Four thousand eight hundred and twenty, four thousand eight hundred and twenty-four–ooh, I like what you've done with that tunnel–four thousand eight hundred and thirty-one, four thousand eight hundred and thirty-five, that's everybody. Four thousand eight hundred and... thirty-seven.&quot;
**Who: Edd
**Source: ''[[Ed, Edd, n Eddy]]'' (1999–2009)

* Manny, I'm home. How are you kids doing?
**Who: Rodolfo
**Source: ''[[El Tigre: The Adventures of Manny Rivera]]'' (2007-2008)

*Thanks for babysitting tonight, Vicky. Timmy just loves making new friends, don't you Timmy?
**Who: Mr. Turner
*Ready, Cosmo?
**Who: Wanda
**Source: ''[[The Fairly OddParents]]'' (2001-2018)

*Mom, Dad, I found cigarettes in Greg's jacket.
**Who: Jan Brady
**Source: ''[[Family Guy]]'' (1999-present)

*And lastly, there was a misprint on today's cafeteria menu. &quot;Meat Larf&quot; should read... &quot;Meat ''Lard''.&quot;
**Who: Mr. Mufflin
**Source: ''[[Fanboy and Chum Chum]]'' (2009-2012)

* The outcome was never in our favor, Gary.
**Who: H.U.E.
**Source: ''[[Final Space]]'' (2018-present)

* Smile for the camera.
**Who: Yearbook Photographer
**Source: ''[[Fish Hooks]]'' (2010-2014)

* Wait, stop! I just wanna punch you!
**Who: Terrance
**Source: ''[[Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends]]'' (2004-2009)

* Space. It seems to go on and on forever. But then you get to the end and the gorilla starts throwing barrels at you.
**Who: Fry
**Source: ''[[Futurama]]'' (1999-2013)

* Just east of Northwestville and south of Gubai, a town known as Glurfsburg might catch your eye. Our story starts here; who knows what’s in store? It begins with a kite, then… SHUT THE FRONT DOOR! That's a ninja! This is Dr. Seuss, so I wasn’t expecting a n– oh, WHY WOULD YOU CUT THE LINE?!?!
**Who: Narrator
**Source: ''Green Eggs and Ham'' (2019 - present)

*So, what do you guys wanna show me?
**Who: Harvey Beaks
**Source: ''[[Harvey Beaks]]'' (2015-2017)

*Guess we can skip the encore.
**Who: Ami Onuki
**Source: ''[[Hi Hi Puffy AmiYumi]]'' (2004-2006)

* Small, get in here!
**Who: Coach McGuirk
**Source: ''[[Home Movies (TV series)|Home Movies]]'' (1999-2004)

*Welcome to Horseland!
**Who: Shep
**Source: ''[[w:Horseland (TV Series)|Horseland]]'' (2006-2008)

* Welcome, brave Irken soldiers. Welcome to Conventia, the convention hall planet. Please, proceed to the docking ring and take the complimentary teleporters to the planet's surface!
**Who: Announcer
**Source: ''[[Invader Zim]]'' (2001–2006)

* SQUAWK! SQUAWK! Good morning, birds! SQUAWK! (laughs) Good morning, ol' rusty sign! Another perfect day in Seaside By the Seashore, my new home!
**Who: Arlo Beauregard
**Source: ''[[w:I Heart Arlo|I Heart Arlo]]'' (2021-present)

* My name is Leslie McGroarty. I'm a city girl, and the big city is my home. Most of my boys called me boisterous and hog-wild, that's because I fight these dorks, I played video games, I jammed to my rock music and I can skateboarding. I love to have fun, and I'm having a lot more fun, because I'm a tomboy!
**Who: Leslie McGroarty
**Source: ''[[The Itsy Bitsy Spider]]'' (1994–1996)

*It was a crisp, clear fall morning in Tarrytown. Jay Jay, Tracy and Herky decided to go on a fun morning flight. But, there was also excitement in the air for young Tracy, because she had a very special day ahead of her.
**Who: Narrator
**Source: ''[[Jay Jay the Jet Plane]]'' (1998-2005)

*You'll never catch me, Team LilyMu!
**Who: Gonard
**Source: ''[[Kappa Mikey]]'' (2006–2008)

*Ladies and gentlemen, behold the world's greatest daredevil: Kick Buttowski! (pause) Kick! Kick, are you ok?.
**Who: Gunther Magnuson
**Source: ''[[Kick Buttowski: Suburban Daredevil]]'' (2010-2012)

*I'll tell you what my truck needs: Leadership. Detroit hasn't felt any real pride since George Bush went to Japan and vomited on their auto executives.
**Who: Hank Hill
**Source: ''[[King of the Hill]]'' (1997-2010)

* Do you have everything you need for your first day? Paper, pencils, spark plugs, lemon drops?
**Who: Charlene
**Source: ''[[Making Fiends (TV series)|Making Fiends]]'' (2008)

* Come in, Truman.
**Who: Helen
**Source: ''[[Martha Speaks (TV series)|Martha Speaks]]'' (2008-2014)

* Hey everyone, it's me Molly!
**Who: Molly Mabray
**Note: Heard in the theme song that opens every episode. But, Molly is still the first character to speak in the first episode of the show.
* Ha! Looks like the poster for our show turned out pretty well.
**Who: Molly Mabray
**Source: ''[[Molly of Denali]]'' (2019-present)

* Commander Andru, the Glorft have found us. Perimeter defenses are failing. We're being overrun.
**Who: Earth Coaliton Captain
**Source: ''[[Megas XLR]]'' (2004-2005)

* We'll get you down, Whiskers.
**Who: Firefighter 1
**Source: ''[[Men in Black: The Series]]'' (1997-2001)

* Hey everybody, it's me Mickey Mouse. Say, do you wanna come inside my Clubhouse? (pause) Well, all right, Let's go! Oh, I almost forgot. To make the Clubhouse appear, we get to say the magic words: Meeska, Mooska, Mickey Mouse! Say it with me. Meeska, Mooska, Mickey Mouse!
**Note: Catchphrase that opens every episode except for &quot;Mickey's Great Clubhouse Hunt&quot;. But, Mickey Mouse is still the first character to speak in the first episode of the series.
* Welcome to our Clubhouse! Are you ready to play? Swell!
**Who: ''[[w:Mickey Mouse (character)|Mickey Mouse]]''
**Source: ''[[Mickey Mouse Clubhouse]]'' (2006-2016)

*Good morning Finger! 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 100! Honeybee Troop Bessie Higgenbottom! Reporting for duty! Hi mom! Bye mom!
**Who: Bessie
**Source: ''[[The Mighty B!]]'' (2008–2011)

*Yo, Seismo! Hey man, what you ups to?
**Who: Zorch
**Source: ''[[Mixels]]'' (2014-2016)

* Stupid dog! You made me look bad!
**Who: Eustace Bagge
**Note: Heard in the opening credits that opens every episode. But, Eustace is still the first character to speak in the first episode of the show.
**Source: ''[[Courage the Cowardly Dog]]'' (1996-2002)

* I'm Mr. Frog. This is my show. I eat the bug. I ate the bug. This is the end. I love you.
**Who: Mr. Frog
**Source: ''Smiling Friends'' (2022-present)

*Your performance... is disappointing.
**Who: Ghost Council member
**Source: ''[[The Ghost and Molly McGee]]'' (2021-present)

*Well, Professor Knight, how'd I do?
**Who: Tylor Tuskmon
**Source: ''[[Monsters at Work]]'' (2021-present)

*Another perfect day in my hometown. Population: not very many. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and I'm doing a little sketching under my favorite tree.
**Who: Blythe Baxter
**Source: ''[[Littlest Pet Shop (2012 TV series)]]'' (2012-2016)

*Special Delivery from the Middlemost Post!
**Who: Parker J. Cloud
**Source: ''[[Middlemost Post]]'' (2021-present)

* OK. So, Cat and I are on a farm.
**Who: Peg
**Source: ''Peg + Cat'' (2014-2018)

* The school concert is tomorrow, Max. And I get to play, &quot;Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star&quot;!
**Who: Ruby
**Source: ''Max &amp; Ruby'' (2003-2019)

* Heh-heh-ha-ha-ha! Woo-hoo!!!
**Who 1: Norma Khan
* Hey!
**Who 2: Courtney
**Note: Heard in the theme song that opens every episode, but Norma and Courtney are still the first characters to speak in the first episode of the series.
**Source: ''Dead End: Paranormal Park'' (2022-present)

*Welcome to the City of Frank. 85 trillion cells and still growing, which is getting to be a big problem. Y'see, when a body gets this old and congested, there's a lot more upkeep. And in Frank, everybody's workin' overtime. I should know. The name's Jones. Osmosis Jones. I'm a cop. That's my partner Drix. He's a pill, but he's cool. We got a tip that Scarlet Fever's visiting a chop shop south of the stomach, below the beltway, deep in bowel town. I've been after this bad booty bacteria half my life. He wasn't gettin' away this time.
**Who: Osmosis Jones
**Source: ''[[Ozzy &amp; Drix]]'' (2002-2004)

* Hey! This is an interactive show. That means you gotta select the correct answers. (gets a pillar dropped on by Rowdy) (weakly) Enjoy the show...
**Who: Peanut
**Source: ''Cat Burglar'' (2022)

* Alright, Beef Burrito. I'm gonna give you one more chance to take back what you said about my mom! I'LL ''KILL'' YOU!
**Who: Rigby
**Source: ''[[Regular Show]]'' (2010-2017)

*(howls) Rubble on the double! Whee!
**Who: Rubble
**Source: ''[[PAW Patrol]]'' (2013-present)

* So Ferb, what do you wanna do today? What about Perry? What does he wanna do? Well, he is a platypus. They don't do much. I, for one, am starting to get bored. And boredom is something I will not put. The first thing they're gonna ask us when we get back to school is what we did over the summer! I mean, no school for three months; our lives should be a rollercoaster. And I mean a good rollercoaster. Not like the one we rode at the Street Fair. Man, that was lame. Why, if I built a rollercoaster, I would... That's it! I know what we're gonna do today!
**Who: Phineas Flynn 
**Source: ''[[Phineas and Ferb (season 1)|Phineas and Ferb]]'' (2007-2015)

*Uh, out of my seat, shortstack!
**Who: Pierce Pocket
**Source: ''Polly Pocket'' (2018-present)

*Morty! You gotta come on. Jus'... you gotta come with me.
**Who: Rick
**Source: ''[[Rick and Morty]]'' (2013-present)

*Wow, the base is loaded with two outs and Johnny Hitswell is up to bat. We might actually win the game for a change.
**Who: Todd Daring
**Source: ''[[The Replacements (TV series)|The Replacements]]'' (2006-2009)

* Once again, I am free to smite the world as I did in days long past.
**Who: Aku
**Source: ''[[Samurai Jack]]'' (2001-2017)

*All right, Yay!
**Who: Eric Needles
**Source: ''[[Sidekick (TV series)|Sidekick]]'' (2010-2013)

* Ooh, careful, Homer.
**Who: Marge Simpson
**Source: ''[[The Simpsons]]'' (1989-present)

* School days, school days, teacher's golden ru...
**Who: Stan Marsh, Kyle Broflovski, Eric Cartman and Kenny McCormick
**Source: ''[[South Park]]'' (1997-present)

* Missing your friends?
**Who: James Prescott
**Source: ''Spirit Riding Free'' (2017-2020)

* Captain's log, Stardate 57436.2. The Cerritos is docked at Douglas Station for routine maintenance and resupply. We will soon set course for the capital planet of the Galar system, where we're scheduled to make second contact with the Galardonian High Council. First contact is a delicate, high-stakes operation of diplomacy. One must be ready for anything when Humanity is interacting with alien race for the first time. But we don't do that. Our specialty is second contact. Still pretty important. We get all the paperwork signed, make sure we're spelling the name of the planet right, get to know all the good places to eat.
**Who: Brad Boimler
**Source: ''[[Star Trek: Lower Decks]]'' (2020-present)

* It's no use Sparkleface. We'll be trapped in the candy dungeon, FOREVER!
**Who: Butterbean
**Note: If not counting the character from a TV show inside a TV show, Raven is the first real character to speak.
* Don't give up Butterbean. Great! Right in the middle of the best part of Pretty Pretty Pegasus!
**Who: Raven
**Source: ''[[Teen Titans Go!]]'' (2013-present)

* Timothy, You have mail.
**Who: Timothy's Mom
**Source: ''[[Timothy Goes to School]]'' (2000-2001)

* All right, you guys, settle down. With a little luck, they may never find out we're aboard. We can sleep here every night, mingle with passengers during the day. Benny can slip us some food from the dining room. We'll have a ball. Okay, Spook, what was in that suitcase?
**Who: Top Cat
**Source: ''[[Top Cat]]'' (1961–1962)

*For as long as anyone can remember, the happiest, the sunniest, singingest creatures in all the world were my people, the Trolls.
**Who: Queen Poppy
**Source: ''Trolls: The Beat Goes On!'' (2018-2019)

* UGH!! I hate red lights! Come on, gotta go, gotta go, gotta go!!
** Who: Amethyst Van der Troll
** Source: ''Trollz'' (2005-2007)

* Oh my gosh, I'm so excited I'm gonna explode!
**Who: Unikitty
**Source: ''[[Unikitty!]]'' (2017-2020)

* (giggles) Try to catch me!
**Who: Demi
**Source: ''[[Vampirina]]'' (2017-2021)

* Happy Valentines Day, Todd!
**Who: Dana
**Source: ''[[Wayside]]'' (2007-2008)

* Hi there!
**Who: Xavier Riddle
**Source: ''[[Xavier Riddle and the Secret Museum]]'' (2019-present)

* Claire McCallister is about to go on a business trip, and leave a babysitter in charge of her son, the mischievous boy genius, Tobey.
**Who: Narrator
**Source: ''[[WordGirl]]'' (2007-2015)

===''DC Animated Universe''===
*Now, Isis, my sweet. -- Perfect my love! Let's go home.
**Who: Catwoman
**Source: ''[[Batman: The Animated Series]]'' (1992-1995)

*Northern Region, Sector 17 Alpha, log date 8313 Omega 3, Jor-El speaking, gathering readings for final subterranean probe.
**Who: Jor-El
**Source: ''[[Superman: The Animated Series]]'' (1996-2000)

*I'm depressed, Red. Here in this holiday time and we're hiding out in this dingy rattrap. No presents, no fun, no nothing. Can't we at least, get a Christmas tree.
**Who: Harleen Quinzel
**Source: ''[[The New Batman Adventures]]'' (1997-1999)

*Big news in the financial world today. Once again, Billionaire Bruce Wayne has averted an attempted takeover of his company, by Derek Powers of Powers Technology. Powers vowed that he is not through yet and speculation has seen in stock in both men's companies hit all-time high's. Still no word from the kidnappers of debutante, Bunny Vreeland following a ransom payment five million dollars.
**Who: TV Announcer
**Source: ''[[Batman Beyond]]'' (1999-2001)

*Speed it up! We don't have all night.
**Who: Robber 1
**Source: ''[[Static Shock]]'' (2000-2004)

*Bennett.
**Who: Agent Bennett
**Source: ''[[The Zeta Project]]'' (2001-2002)

*Would you look at that. A little slice of heaven.
**Who: J. Allen Carter
**Source: ''[[Justice League (TV series)|Justice League]]'' (2001-2004)

*Everybody down, down!
**Who: Robber
**Source: ''[[Justice League Unlimited]]'' (2004-2006)

===''The Owl House''===
*Foolish child! I could swallow you whole!
**Who: Gildersnake (Season 1A)
**Source: ''The Owl House'' (2020-present)

*Partake of my free snack samples! Take it! I demand it as your ruler, the King of Demons!
**Who: King (Season 1B)
**Source: ''The Owl House'' (2020-present)

*Foolish child! Leave this place before I get mad!
**Who: The weird monster (Season 2A)
**Source: ''The Owl House'' (2020-present)

*¡Hola, Mamá! I know you don’t want me staying in the Demon Realm, but I’m recording this because I think we can find a middle ground.
**Who: Luz Noceda (Season 2B)
**Source: ''The Owl House'' (2020-present)

===''Bluey''===
* Morning, balloons! I mean...morning, last balloon.
**Who: Bluey Christine Heeler (Series 1)
**Source: ''[[Bluey]]'' (2018-present)

* Excuse me? Yes, over here!
**Who: Chilli Heeler (Series 2, Part 1)
**Source: ''[[Bluey]]'' (2018-present)

* Make sure you eat your pumpkin seeds, Bluey.
**Who: Chilli Heeler (Series 2, Part 2)
**Source: ''[[Bluey]]'' (2018-present)

*OK! Let's make some Father's Day cards for Dad.
**Who: Chilli Heeler (Series 3, Part 1)
**Source: ''[[Bluey]]'' (2018-present)

*Dad, we're back!
**Who: Bingo Heeler (Series 3, Part 2)
**Source: ''[[Bluey]]'' (2018-present)

===''Elliott from Earth''===
* I gotta take these upstairs. You okay watching the store for a bit?
**Who: Gas station shop owner
**Source: ''[[Elliott from Earth]]'' (2021-present)

===''The Cuphead Show!''===
* Cuphead? Mugman?
* Yes, Elder Kettle?
**Who: Elder Kettle, Cuphead, and Mugman (Part 1)
**Source: ''The Cuphead Show!'' (2022-present)

===''Hilda''===
* See that, Twig? It's a troll rock! Trolls don't usually come far down the mountain. I've got to draw this!
**Who: Hilda (Season 1)
**Source: ''Hilda'' (2018-present)

* We're coming for you!
**Who: Hilda (Season 2)
**Source: ''Hilda'' (2018-present)

* Ah!
**Who: Hilda
**Source: ''Hilda and The Mountain King'' (2021)

===''The Proud Family''===
* GEYEOUCH!!!
**Who: Oscar Proud
**Note: Heard at the end of the theme song that opens every episode.
* Alright ladies...and Michael.
**Who: Dijonay Jones
**Source: ''[[The Proud Family]]'' (2001-2006)

* Wha..? I'm...so...HIP!!! WOO!!!
**Who: Penny Proud
**Source: ''The Proud Family: Louder and Prouder'' (2022-present)

===''Elinor Wonders Why''===
* What should we play today at recess?
**Who: Olive Elephant (Season 1A)
**Source: ''[[Elinor Wonders Why]]'' (2020-present)

* Olive, look how much our baby plants has grown!
**Who: Elinor Rabbit (Season 1B)
**Source: ''[[Elinor Wonders Why]]'' (2020-present)

===''DuckTales''===
*Scrooge McDuck, he had a vault, E-I-E-I-O. And in this vault, he had some dough, E-I-E-I-O. Ah, there's only one thing better than owning a vault full of cold-hard cash, and that's swimming in it! I love to dive around in it like a porpoise, and burrow through it like a gopher and toss it up and let it hit me on the head. Curse me kilts, I'm late!
**Who: Scrooge McDuck
**Source: ''[[DuckTales (1987 TV Series)|DuckTales]]'' (1987-1990)

*HEY!!
**Who: Sailor (Season 1A)

*Aw, come on, a little lightning never killed anyone.
**Who: Launchpad McQuack (Season 1B)

*Dew-dew-dew-dewey dewing it again. We're dewing it again, yeah.
**Who: Dewey Duck (Season 2A)

*Dumb earth gravity... won't... keep... me... from... the kids. Okay, first impression is the only impression. You gotta nail this. Greetings, children! Hellooooo! Oh, hey, didn't see you there. Simple, sincere. It's just the most important moment of your life.
**Who: Della Duck (Season 2B)

*Legacy, passing the torch to a new generation. The knowledge of the old mixes with the discoveries of the new into that flavorful gumbo called tomorrow. You are that gumbo! Welcome to the Calisota Junior Woodchuck Graduation!
**Who: Launchpad McQuack (Season 3A)

*F.O.W.L., the Fiendish Organization for World Larceny, is back. Long thought to have been eliminated by agents of S.H.U.S.H., they've risen again, led by a devious traitor.
**Who: Bentina Beakley (Season 3B)
**Source: ''[[DuckTales (2017 TV series)|DuckTales]]'' (2017-2021)

===''Gravity Falls''===
* Ah, summer break. A time of leisure, recreation, and taking 'er easy. Unless you're me. My name is Dipper. The girl about to puke is my sister Mabel. You may be wondering what we're doing in a golf cart fleeing from a creature of unimaginable horror. Rest assured, there's a perfectly logical explanation.
**Who: Dipper Pines (Season 1A)

* Ladies and gentlemen, we now return to Cash Wheel! Sponsored by Chip-ackers: The chip-flavored crackers.
**Who: TV Announcer (Season 1B)

* Thirty long years and it's all lead up to this, my greatest achievement!
**Who: Stanley Pines (Season 2A)

* Wait up!
**Who: Young Stanford Pines (Season 2B)
**Source: ''[[Gravity Falls]]'' (2012-2016)

===''Star vs. the Forces of Evil''===
*(narration) Far, far away, on a magical land called Mewni lived a princess, Star Butterfly. (spoken) RAIL SLIDE!!!! (narration) Some people have called me reckless and irresponsible just because, I fight monsters and tame wild unicorns. I like to have a lot of fun and I'm about have a whole lot more because today is 14th birthday, and according to tradition, my mom the queen has to bestow upon me our greatest family heirloom: the royal magic wand!
**Who: Star Butterfly (Season 1)

*Guess who? It's me, Star! I have some exciting news for you. Well first, Marco got kidnapped, and I had to blow up a bunch of stuff including my wand, and I was super bummed, because I thought was never gonna do magic again, but then I got my new wan.. My new wand! Oh yeah, and Marco's okay. Say hi, Marco!
**Who: Star Butterfly (Season 2A)

*You know what, Jackie, can I call you back? Look Star, this is a stressful situation I get that, but would it kill you to slow down for a second? You're kind of going overboard. I mean, do you really have to pack this vintage laptop and this purple-y bubbly tea thingy? Why don't you try some breathing excerises?
**Who: Marco Diaz (Season 2B)

*Did you hear that?
**Who: Angie Diaz (Season 3A)

*Mama, I need to talk to you! I can't believe it!
**Who: Star Butterfly (Season 3B)

*Oh! Not bad, me!
**Who: Star Butterfly (Season 4A)

*Look, Hannah, something's happening!
**Who: Quasar Caterpillar (Season 4B)
**Source: ''[[Star vs. the Forces of Evil]]'' (2015-2019)

===''My Little Pony''===
====''My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic''====
* Once upon a time, in a magical land of Equestria... There were two regal sisters who ruled together and created harmony for all the land. To do this, the eldest used her unicorn powers to raise the sun at dawn. The younger brought out the moon to begin the night. Thus, the two sisters maintained balance for their kingdom and their subjects: -All the different types of ponies. But as time went on, the younger sister became resentful. The ponies relished and played in the day her elder sister brought forth, but shunned and slept through her beautiful night. One fateful day, the younger unicorn refused to lower the moon to make way for the dawn. The elder sister tried to reason with her, but the bitterness in the young one's heart had transformed her into a wicked mare of darkness: Nightmare Moon. She vowed that she would shroud the land in eternal night. Reluctantly, the elder sister harnessed the most powerful magic known to ponydom: The Elements of Harmony! Using the magic of the Elements of Harmony, she defeated her younger sister and banished her permanently in the moon. The elder sister took on responsibility for...
* ...both sun and moon...
* ...and harmony has been maintained in Equestria for generations since. Hmm... Elements of Harmony. I know I've heard of those before... but where?
** Who: Narrator and Twilight Sparkle (Season 1)
** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019)

*I want to start our field trip here, in the world-famous Canterlot Sculpture Garden.
**Who: Cheerilee (Season 2)
**Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019)

*News from northern Equestria! Uh...Your Highness.
**Who: A Guard (Season 3)
**Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019)

*You gotta really flap 'em hard!
**Who: Rainbow Dash (Season 4)
**Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019)

*Let's go through this one more time.
**Who: Twilight Sparkle (Season 5A)
**Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019)

*Was that the pony post?
**Who: Rarity (Season 5B)
**Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019)

*Okay. Library, library... where did they put the library? 
**Who: Starlight Glimmer (Season 6A)
**Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019)

*Well, don't stop there! You read, I pack. That’s the deal.
**Who: Rainbow Dash (Season 6B)
**Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019)

*Hey, Spike. What's up?
**Who: Starlight Glimmer (Season 7A)
**Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019)

*Care for a carrot-ginger sandwich?
**Who: Fluttershy (Season 7B)
**Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019)

*This happened while we were gone?
**Who: Twilight Sparkle (Season 8A)
**Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019)

*Who can tell me what these are?
**Who: Twilight Sparkle (Season 8B)
**Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019)

*Oh, good. We're all here.
**Who: Fluttershy (Season 9A)
**Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019)

*I thought Pinkie Pie said to get here right away.
**Who: Rainbow Dash (Season 9B)
**Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019)

====Misc.====
* I've always loved you but...'''''YOU'VE RUINED ME!!!'''''
** Who: Rarity
** Source: ''My Little Pony: Pony Life'' (2020-2021)

===''Big City Greens''===
* HAHAHAHAHHHHHH!!! Oh, hi there! We're your new neighbors. My name's Cricket. Cricket Green. Hey, where ya goin'? Oh, okay, you're busy that's fine. Well stop by anytime!
**Who: Cricket Green (Season 1A)
**Source: ''[[Big City Greens]]'' (2018-present)
**Note: Quote was from &quot;Space Chicken&quot;, which is technically the second episode chronologically but the first produced as a pilot. The &quot;official&quot; first line was, &quot;Movin' to Gramma's house, oh, we're movin' to Gramma's house, oh, we're movin' to Gramma's houuuuuuuse!&quot;

*And a one, and a two, and a JUMP!
**Who: Tilly Green (Season 1B)
**Source: ''[[Big City Greens]]'' (2018-present)

*&quot;No trespassing,&quot; huh? Well Nancy Green ain't tresspassing, she's liberatin'.
**Who: Nancy Green (Season 1C)
**Source: ''[[Big City Greens]]'' (2018-present)

*Look alive, Cricket. The boss Ms. Cho will be here any minute.
**Who: Gloria Sato (Season 2A)
**Source: ''[[Big City Greens]]'' (2018-present)

*Upsy daisy, Gramma! C'mon, family! Follow the sound of my voice!
**Who: Cricket Green (Season 2B)
**Source: ''[[Big City Greens]]'' (2018-present)

*Oh, this is awful!
*You wouldn't believe it!
*It's terrible! 
*What are we gonna do?!
**Who: The Green Family (Season 2C)
**Source: ''[[Big City Greens]]'' (2018-present)

*How we doin' on untangling those lights, ladies?
**Who: Bill Green (Season 3A part 1)
**Source: ''[[Big City Greens]]'' (2018-present)
**Note: Although it's not really the first line in Season 3. The season premiere was supposed to be &quot;Boss Life&quot;. That means the first line in Season 3 was supposed to be &quot;Comin' right up!&quot; by Cricket Green.

*Order of quiet and I said, no, no.
**Who: Cricket Green (Season 3A part 2)
**Source: ''[[Big City Greens]]'' (2018-present)

===''Amphibia''===
* Good night, you frogs!
**Who: Walliam Ribbiton aka One-Eyed Wally (Season 1A)
**Source: ''[[Amphibia (TV Series)|Amphibia]]'' (2019-2022)

* Iced flies! Get your iced flies here!
**Who: Unknown Frog (Season 1B)
**Source: ''[[Amphibia (TV Series)|Amphibia]]'' (2019-2022)

* Help, it's been three months. Still up here.
**Who: Unknown Frog (Season 2A)
**Source: ''[[Amphibia (TV Series)|Amphibia]]'' (2019-2022)
**Note: Although &quot;Handy Anne&quot; is the season premiere, it could also be the second episode of the season if the first one was &quot;The Shut In&quot;, even though it's a non-canon. If the Halloween episode was the season premiere, then the first line of the season would be &quot;Happy Shut In!&quot; by an unknown frog.

* All right, Polly, check this out! According to this map, if we drive straight through the night, we'll be home by morning!
**Who: Sprig Plantar (Season 2B)
**Source: ''[[Amphibia (TV Series)|Amphibia]]'' (2019-2022)

* What the...?!
* Aah! What is that thing?!
* What is that thing?!
**Who: The Plantar Family (Season 3A)
**Source: ''[[Amphibia (TV Series)|Amphibia]]'' (2019-2022)

* OK, this is getting hard to ignore, X. What do you know about these amphibious extraterrestrials?
**Who: FBI Chief (Season 3B)
**Source: ''[[Amphibia (TV Series)|Amphibia]]'' (2019-2022)
**Note: Although, this is not really the first line of Season 3B. The mid-season premiere was supposed to be &quot;Commander Anne&quot;. That means the first line of Season 3B was supposed to be &quot;What happened to this place?!&quot;.

===''Animaniacs''===
* Newsreel of the Stars. Dateline: Hollywood, 1930, the Warner Bros. Studio, home of the biggest stars in Tinsel Town. Here at the studio's new animation department, the artists toil endlessly to come up with cartoon stars, ultimately creating three new characters-- the Warner Brothers and their sister, Dot.
**Who: Narrator
* Helloooo Nurse!
**Who: Yakko, Wakko, and Dot
**Source: ''[[Animaniacs]]'' (1993-1998)

* Alan, this species of cartoon has been extinct since 1998. I mean these haven't been seen on TV since the golden era of animation! What?
**Who: Dr. Ellie Sattler (Season 1)
**Source: ''[[Animaniacs (2020 TV series)|Animaniacs]]'' (2020-present)

* Free togas! Show your folks you've been to Rome, by wearing T-toga!
**Who: Yakko Warner (Season 2)
**Source: ''[[Animaniacs (2020 TV series)|Animaniacs]]'' (2020-present)

===''SpongeBob SquarePants''===
* Ah, the sea... so fascinating. So wonderful. Here we see Bikini Bottom teeming with life. Home of one of my favorite creatures, SpongeBob SquarePants. Yes, of course he lives in a pineapple, you silly.
**Who: French Narrator
**Note: Although, if not counting the French Narrator, SpongeBob is the first character to speak.
*Today's the big day, Gary! Look at me, I'm NAKED!!!!! I gotta be in top physical condition for today, Gary!
**Who: ''[[w:SpongeBob SquarePants (character)|SpongeBob SquarePants]]''
**Source: ''[[SpongeBob SquarePants]]'' (1999-present)

*First catch!
**Who: &quot;First Catch&quot; sign
**Note: SpongeBob is still technically the first character to speak.
*Huh? [sighs] That dream again. That jelly-riffic dream. Well, today's the day I'm gonna make my dream come true.
**Who: Young SpongeBob SquarePants
**Source: ''[[Kamp Koral: SpongeBob's Under Years]]'' (2021-present)

*The best way out of bed, is an urchin on your head.
**Who: Patrick Star
**Source: ''[[The Patrick Star Show]]'' (2021-present)

===''Steven Universe''===
*NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! This can't be happening! This has to be a dream! Lars! Lars! Please tell me I'm dreaming!
**Who: Steven Universe
**Source: ''[[Steven Universe]]'' (2013-2019)

*Mwah!
**Who: Steven Universe
**Source: ''[[Steven Universe Future]]'' (2019-2020)

===''The Loud House''===
* Do you believe in ghosts? Join me, Hunter Spector, spectre hunter, leader of the Academy of Really Good Ghost Hunters, or ARGGH! As I descend into the scariest place in any home, the basement! Sunday night at 8 PM! Don't miss it, or you'll be left in the dark! ARGGH!
**Who: Hunter Spector (Season 1)
**Source: ''[[The Loud House]]'' (2016-present)

* It's the day before Christmas and there's no better time to be in the Loud House.
**Who: Lincoln Loud (Season 2)
**Source: ''[[The Loud House]]'' (2016-present)

* 1797, 1798, 1799... 1800!
**Who: Loud family (Season 3)
**Source: ''[[The Loud House]]'' (2016-present)

* Gah! Lalo, what the heck, dude?
**Who: Ronnie Anne Santiago (Season 4)
**Source: ''[[The Loud House]]'' (2016-present)

* Wear lucky underwear. Check. Wear new jeans. Check. Put on best polo. Check. Things are pretty crazy around the Loud House this morning.
**Who: Lincoln Loud (Season 5)
**Source: ''[[The Loud House]]'' (2016-present)

* There's no escape, Agent Steele! Going somewhere?
**Who: MALICE Agent (Season 6)
**Source: ''[[The Loud House]]'' (2016-present)

* Dah!
**Who: Carlos Casagrande (Season 1)
**Source: ''[[The Casagrandes]]'' (2019-2022)

* I've got you now Bird-brain. There's nowhere for you to hide.
**Who: La Cobra (Season 2)
**Source: ''[[The Casagrandes]]'' (2019-2022)

* Gatos! Gatos! Gatos! Gatos!
**Who: Ronnie Anne Santiago, Sergio, and Carlos Casagrande Jr. (Season 3)
**Source: ''[[The Casagrandes]]'' (2019-2022)

===''Thomas and Friends''===
* Thomas is a tank engine who lives at the big station on the Island of Sodor. He's a cheeky little engine with six small wheels, a short stumpy funnel, a short stumpy boiler, and a short stumpy dome.
**Who: Narrator
**Note: If not counting the narrator, Thomas is the first character to speak.
*Wake up, Lazybones! Why can't you work hard like me?
**Who: Thomas
**Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends]]'' (1984–2021)

*Whoa...! And just one more track and I'll beat my &quot;Stack the Tracks&quot; record!
**Who: Thomas
**Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends: All Engines Go]]'' (2021-present)

===''Total Drama''===
* Yo! We're coming at you live from Camp Wawanakwa, somewhere in Muskoka, Ontario, I'm your host, Chris McLean, dropping season one of the hottest new reality show on television, right now! ''[moves to Dock of Shame]'' Here's the deal, twenty-two campers have signed up to spend eight weeks right here at this crummy old summer camp. They'll compete in challenges against each other, then have to face the judgment of their fellow campers. Every three days, one team will either win a reward, or watch one of their team members walk down the Dock of Shame, take a ride on the loser boat, ha ha, and leave Total Drama Island, for good! ''[moves to campfire pit]'' Their fate will be decided here, at the dramatic campfire ceremonies where each week, all, but one camper will receive... a marshmallow. ''[takes a bite of one marshmallow]'' In the end, only one will be left standing and will be rewarded with cheesy tabloid fame and a small fortune, which let's face it: they'll probably blow in a week. To survive, they'll have to battle... Black flies... ''[flies buzzing]'' Grizzly bears, ''[grizzly bear roars]'' Disgusting camp food!
**Who: Chris
**Source: ''[[Total Drama]]'' (2007-2014)

* This is Toronto, the capital of North America, birthplace of funk where the Albino panther roams free. Beneath my size-13 brogues, 18 teams are arriving at this historic train station ready to embark on a race around the world. I'm your host, Don. And this is ''The Ridonculous Race''!
**Who: Don
**Source: ''[[Total Drama Presents: The Ridonculous Race]]'' (2015)

* Guys! Guys! Guys? Guess what?!
**Who: Owen
**Source: ''[[Total DramaRama]]'' (2018-present)

=== ''[[Winx Club]]'' ===
* Wake up, sleepy head! The sun's been up for ages!
** Who: Vanessa (Season 1, Cinélume version)
* Bloom, say hello to your mother for me.
** Who: Mister Genaro (Season 1, 4Kids version)

* No time. I'll be found out any second now.
** Who: Aisha/Layla (Season 2, Cinélume version)
* Summer was over and it was my first day back at Alfea. I was officially a sophomore!
** Who: Bloom (Season 2, 4Kids version)

* I'll take this one to Mom's, that one to Dad's, no, wait! I need the blue top for Mom's picnic. But then I should have the red dress for Dad's royal parade.
** Who: Stella (Season 3, Cinélume version)
* I'll bring this dress to Mom's for her garden tea and, let's see... hmmm, these to Dad's for the royal parade. Boy, packing for vacation when your parents are separated is way complicated. Do you think the garden tea dress should go to Dad's for open palace day?
** Who: Stella (Season 3, 4Kids version)
*I'll take this blouse to Mom's and that dress to Dad's. No, wait! I need the blue top for Mom's picnic. Oh, but then I'll need the red dress for Dad's royal parade.
** Who: Stella (Season 3, Atlas Oceanic version)

*Ah, a new year has started at Alfea.
**Who: Bloom (Season 4, Cinélume version)
*I can't believe we're back at Alfea!
**Who: Bloom (Season 4, Nickelodeon version)

*Whoo-hoo! Hello, Gardenia!
**Who: Bloom (Season 5)

*Come on, you two!
**Who: Icy (Season 6)

*Last stop, Alfea! Here we are!
**Who: Stella (Season 7)

*Look at that!
**Who: Kelli (Season 8)
**Source: ''[[Winx Club]]'' (2003-present)

*My dear Pixieville Pixies, welcome to the celebration! Once again the protection spell will defend us from all outside dangers throughout the year! At this time we'd like to celebrate The Tree of Life! Let's all give thanks to it! An energy flows inside the tree and a sparkle of that power shines in each of its MagicPops! This year more pixies will earn their MagicPop by discovering their talent and using it for good. Caramel, Martino and Amore were the last Pixies to earn a MagicPop!
**Who: Ninfea
**Source: ''PopPixie'' (2011)

*No sign of suspect in sector one.
**Who: Bloom
**Source: ''World of Winx'' (2016-2017)

==See also==
* [[Last lines in animated TV shows]]

[[Category:First lines|Animated TV shows]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows|*]]</text>
      <sha1>cbr103pzh26ehcw52w6fxz320qfx3dg</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>El Tigre: The Adventures of Manny Rivera</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>216881</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153642</id>
      <parentid>3152206</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T19:53:24Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>162.197.99.132</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Eye Caramba / Clash of the Titan (1.13) */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="57784" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''{{w|El Tigre: The Adventures of Manny Rivera}}''''' is an American animated television series created by {{w|Jorge R. Gutierrez}} and {{w|Sandra Equihua}} for {{w|Nickelodeon}}.

==Episodes==
===''Sole of a Hero / Night of the Living Guacamole (1.01)''===
:''[First scene of the series; Rodolfo returns home, finding Manny and Frida laying in the living room, both looking bored]''
:'''Rodolfo''': Manny, I'm home. How are you kids doing?
:'''Manny and Frida''': Bored.
:'''Frida''': There's nothing fun to do.
:'''Rodolfo''': Fun is what you make of it. For instance, today I battled giant squid creatures trying to steal the Jeweled Mule of Maya. Fun. The leader escaped with the mule, but I will find him. This I swear!
:'''Frida''': I thought you quit superheroing.
:'''Rodolfo''': Technically, I'm retired. But as long as there is evil, and I am young and vital enough to oppose it, I will.
:'''Manny''': You're super macho.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': You were right. Watching you dad sleep ''is'' less boring than TV.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo''': Manny, what are you up to?
:'''Manny''': Oh, nothing. Helping the poor. ''[dashes away to his room]''
:'''Rodolfo''': Ah, the poor. Very good.
:'''Manny''': ''[sitting under his bed sheets, turns on his flashlight, looking through a magazine]'' Oh, man, this so good.
:'''Rodolfo''': ''[bursting in]'' MANNY! ''[Manny screams]'' I just spoke to the poor, and you have ''not'' been helping them.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': He saved us all from the evil guacamole!
:'''Rodolfo''': Thank you, Man- wait, what evil guacamole?
:'''Frida''': Duh. The free stuff we got from that creepy old lady so Manny could use your money to buy the tattoo maker. ''[realizing what she said]'' Dang.
:'''Rodolfo''': Manuel Pablo Gutierrez O'Brian Equihua Rivera, what is going on here?!
:'''Frida''': We can explain everything. See, there were these aliens, and then they grabbed my face…
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[sighs with guilt]'' No, Frida, it's time to tell the truth. ''[45 minutes later…]'' And worst of all, I made you guys miss the big game.
:'''Rodolfo''': So, you stole money from me and you lied. But, you also risked your life to save us and then told the truth. ''[thinks for a second]'' Let's see, what would be an appropriate punishment?

===''Enter the Cuervo / Fistful of Collars (1.02)''===
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[whispering from outside]'' Frida!
:'''Frida''': ''[wakes up and gets up from her bed to the window; whispering]'' Where have you been?!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': I'm only six hours late.
:'''Frida''': You're ''two days'' and six hours late! The party is tomorrow. Now, GO HOME! ''[turns off the light and goes back to sleep]''
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Frida? Frida? ''[screams]'' FRIDA!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': Uh, Frida? I brought you the piñata.
:'''Frida''': You did? Oh, Manny, I  I knew… ''[shocked to see Manny's poorly made piñata]'' ''This'' is my awesome birthday piñata?
:'''Manny''': Ye…abe?
:''[Piñata rips revealing what was inside]''
:'''Frida''': Pretzels and a dirty sock?!
:'''Manny''': It still needs some fine-tuning.
:'''Frida''': Where have you been the last two days?! What kind of piñata is this?! WHAT'S THE SQUARE ROOT OF NINE?!
:'''Manny''': Square root?
:'''Frida''': I need help with my math homework, which you would know if you were any kind of friend!
:'''Manny''': If ''you'' were any kind of friend, you'd know… ''[takes off his eye patch and throws it on the ground]'' I STINK AT MATH!
:'''Frida''': You just plain STINK!
:'''Manny''': Hey, if you're such a great friend, why'd I make you such a lousy piñata?!
:'''Frida''': Well, since you're ''no'' kind of friend, you… you're… UNINVITED to my party!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': No one can help you now, chica!
:'''Black Cuervo''': Think again, ''hero!'' ''[opens a slot on her wrist brace with a red button inside and pushes it; sound effect of a bird's cry echoes, Lady Gobbler and Voltura fly into sight, landing on both sides of her; They grab both her hands and fly off]'' Party while you can, El Tigre! I shall have my revenge on you! VENDETTA!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': ''[searching through the garbage can]'' Oooh! A broken yo-yo! Buffalo jerky! ''[gasps]'' And two doorknobs.
:'''Frida''': Behold! Perfectly good roller skates made from household garbage.
:'''Manny''': It's like my dad says, &quot;You don't need money to have fun.&quot;
:'''Frida''': I even made a safety gear.
:'''Manny''': Now all we need is another pair of skates.
:'''Frida''': Pssh. We don't need anything!
:'''Manny''': This is gonna be awesome if we survive.
:''[Camera zooms out revealing the two on top of a hill through the window of a plane]''
:'''Pilot''': And on the right of the plane, you can see Manny and Frida about to do something stupid.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': So, all that work really paid off.
:'''Frida''': Your dad was totally wrong. You ''do'' need money to have fun. Luxeblades, reverse somersault!
:'''Manny''': Luxeblades, give a beat, low rider style.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': I think we did the right thing. Like my dad says, &quot;You don't need money to have fun.&quot;
:'''Frida''': ''[takes out the household garbage-made roller skates she kept]'' And check it out, I still have these.
:'''Manny''': This is gonna be awesome if we survive!

===''Fool's Goal / El Tigre El Jefe (1.03)''===
:'''Grandpapi''': ''[sighs]'' What has become of my Matadors? When I played, we beat ''every'' team in the league.
:'''General Chapuza''': ''[laughs]'' Not every team.
:'''Grandpapi''': Aye! General Chapuza, you old nemesis, you.
:'''General Chapuza''': Your Miracle City matadors have never beaten my Calavera zombies. And this year will be ''no'' different. Especially with me coaching a team led by my grandson, Che.
:'''Che''': Grandfather, when may I torment and destroy the Matadors?
:'''General Chapuza''': ''[patting his grandson's head]'' Soon, my grandson, soon.
:'''Grandpapi''': This year, the Matadors will ''defeat'' the zombies! THIS I SWEAR!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Grandpapi''': Back in my day, Miracle City won ''every'' trophy imaginable. Except for the League Championship.
:'''Frida''': And we're not gonna win it this year with no-cheaty-petey coaching us.
:'''Grandpapi''': Then I will not have my revenge on General Chapuza. Oh, well. Nothing we can ado about it, ''sí?''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': I couldn't do it. As much as I wanted that trophy, honor was more important.
:'''Rodolfo''': Yes, ''mijo.'' And someday, people will respect you from this decision. But for now… ''[dashes away]'' '''RUN!!!'''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': I am here to help. I am here to help.
:'''Frida''': Dude, that's starting to creep me out.
:'''Mrs. Lupita''': Aaron, you haven't done your homework in weeks. This is it. Turn in your assignment tomorrow, or you will be '''''EXPELLED!'''''
:'''Aaron''': No more school? Wow, thanks.
:'''Mrs. Lupita''': Young man, you need ''help.''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mrs. Lupita''': Class, not only did Aaron ''do'' his homework, ''[chuckles]'' he got a perfect score on today's pop quiz! ''[places a gold star on Aaron's forehead]''
:'''Aaron''': This one's for you, Manny! Thanks for helping.
:''[The class cheers for Manny]''
:'''Frida''': You did a good thing, dude. ''[gives Manny a thumbs up]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sergio''': Somebody should really do something about that guy, huh?
:'''Frida''': Yeah. Somebody ''should.'' ''[gathers everybody in a janitor's closet]'' People, I want Help-zilla out, and the old Manny back. And Sergio here has an idea how we can do it.
:'''Sergio''': ''[stepping into the light]'' I believe I know someone who can help. Someone who can…''show'' El Tigre the error of his ways.
:'''Frida''': Like a counselor, right?
:'''Sergio''': ''[laughs]'' Yes. A counselor. ''[starts laughing maniacally]'' Uh, I, uh, I just remembered a joke.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[impressed by the carving statue of himself]'' Man, I look good.
:'''Boy''': You look like a BULLY!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[turns around, seeing Frida and everybody staring angrily at him]'' Frida? What is this?
:'''Frida''': Manny, there's someone I want you to talk to. Where's Sergio's friend?
:'''Señor Sinestro''': ''[drops down in front]'' Here!
:'''Frida''': Ooh, this ''may'' have been a mistake.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': Pst.
:'''Manny''': You would say that.
:'''Frida''': I swear I didn't mean for this to happen, Manny. You've gotta help us.
:'''Manny''': I ''was'' helping. How could you do this to me? Don't you know you can't force people to change?
:'''Frida''': Yeah, I know that. Do you?
:'''Manny''': Of course, I- ''[realizes]'' Oh… This, this is all my fault.

===''Zebra Donkey / Adios Amigos (1.04)''===
:''[Rivera house; Manny and Frida stand in front of Zebra Donkey's grave after his death of being poisoned by bananas]''
:'''Manny''': ''[places a flower on Zebra Donkey's grave; breaking down sadly]'' It is as if, I have lost a brother. A striped, long-eared brother. And it's all my fault!
:'''Frida''': Um, Manny? The Zebra Donkey fiesta spectacular is tomorrow.
:'''Manny''': ''[shouting]'' THIS IS NO TIME TO TALK ABOUT PARTIES! ''[calms down]'' I'm sorry, I just need some time to grieve.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': You sure about this?
:'''Manny''': I gotta get Zebra Donkey back! He's my best… ''[realizes]'' my second best friend.
:'''Frida''': Nice say, dude.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': Thieves!
:'''Frida''': ''[through gritted teeth]'' ''Never'' say, &quot;What could go wrong?&quot;
:'''Sartana''': Steal from me ''and'' give me a bad makeover?! You will PAY!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': Manny, you've gotta smash Sartana's guitar. It'll make her crumble to dust, ''and'' her banditos!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': And Zebra Donkey.
:'''Frida''': Oh, yeah.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': I can't lose him again! I just can't! There has to be another way!
:'''Frida''': Hypnosis. Time machine. Pixie dust.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Zebra Donkey sacrificed himself…
:'''Frida''': To save us all.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo''': ''[clears throat]'' When your mother and I got married, I had less time with the Titan. Then we had you, and the decision was clear. My family was more important to me than my partnership with the Titan. So we went our separate ways.
:'''Manny''': What happened to him?
:'''Rodolfo''': He couldn't make it as a solo superhero. Eventually, he left town, and turned to a life of crime. And he blamed ''you'' for his misfortunes.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': ''[making a rice-shaped sculpture of Frida's head during lunch]'' What's that you say, Rice Frida? You miss me? I miss you, too.

===''The Mother of All Tigres / Old Money (1.05)''===
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Now, Manny, we have work to do. The divine angel who is your mother is coming to visit! And we must…clean up this mess, at once!
:'''El Oso''': Why, man?
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Oh, you gotta hear this story! ''[Flashback begins with his parents walking through the park with him as a baby in a baby carriage]'' When my folks first got married, Mom used to think Dad being White Pantera was cool. Then, one day…
:'''Rodolfo''': ''[changes into his White Pantera persona and runs over to stop El Mal Verde]'' Halt, fiend! So says, White- ''[gets smashed repeatedly by El Mal Verde's metal club; El Mal Verde laughs and walks away; holds up a thumbs up, bruised and beaten as Maria runs over to him, carrying baby Manny]''
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': It was the first time she saw my dad get hurt, and she totally lost it.
:''[Maria starts hyperventilating]''
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Maria didn't want me to be a superhero anymore. She couldn't stand to see me in danger. But I could not ignore the crisp, clean refreshing call of crime fighting! It was in my blood! ''[Maria watches her husband getting beaten by the giant creatures, starts hyperventilating, pulls her hair, and screams]'' In the end, she could not stand it anymore. ''[next scene shows Maria packing up her stuff as he starts tearing up]'' She had to… ''[sobs]'' ''leave'' me! 
:'''Maria''': ''[gives Manny a sweet kiss and stands outside the front door as Rodolfo looks on with sadness]'' I'm sorry, but I married the man, not the mask.
:''[The door closes in front of her and Granpapi enters a split second later]''
:'''Grandpapi''': I moved in to make sure Rodolfo and Manny would be okay. Also because I crashed my evil headquarters of evil. Maria's career as a mariachi singer took off after that. She traveled the world, performing for adoring fans everywhere, even Luxembourg! Manny goes to visit her every month.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': I got my El Tigre belt after Mom went on tour. ''[spins his belt buckle and changes into El Tigre; flashback ends]'' And I, uh…haven't had a chance to tell her about it yet.
:'''Frida''': Dude, she is gonna freak when she finds out!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': I know. So that's why we gotta clean. If my mom sees all this wreckage, she'll know we've been doing superhero stuff, and she'll freak out.
:'''El Oso''': ''[agitated]'' I just asked why you gotta hide stuff! You don't gotta tell me your whole story, man!
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Hurry! Maria will be here tomorrow! And I will once again behold a sweet goddess without whom my life has become a pit of misery. And who I never think about anymore.
:'''Grandpapi''': Didn't I tell you? Maria called to say she's coming early. She should be here in about, eh… no minutes.
:''[The doorbell rings and Rodolfo freezes in fear]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Leone Middle School; Manny and Frida are in Vice Principal Chakal's office, covered in green slime]'' 
:'''Vice Principal Chakal''': Do you have any idea how many detentions you have?
:'''Manny''': Uh, 10?
:'''Vice Principal Chakal''': 136! Since there ''aren't'' enough days left in the year to ''serve'' all these, you must either work them off by doing community service, or… SPEND TWO MONTHS IN OUR SUMMER DETENTION CAMP IN THE NONAGUA DESERT!
:'''Frida''': Community service doesn't sound so bad.
:'''Vice Principal Chakal''': Oh, it won't be so bad. It will be…''SO BAD!'' Your options are… clean up after frog dissections, shovel cafeteria gristle, de-clog toilets, or…leave school early to volunteer at an old folk's home!
:'''Manny and Frida''': ''[sobbing]'' NO!
:'''Manny''': I'm sorry. Did you say leave school early?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[After Manny and Frida load Sartana's loot into El Tarantula's loot cart and blast a hole open with Mano Negra's Glove of Doom, they soon realize they're not even moving]''
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Uh, why aren't we moving?
:''[They turn around and see Sartana holding onto the attached jet pack on the cart]''
:'''Sartana''': Fools! ''[cackles]'' ''No one'' steals from Sartana of the Dead!
:''[Manny and Frida scream in terror and Sartana strums her mystic guitar, opening the cell doors for her skeleton banditos to attack]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': I love those guys.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[picking the cell lock]'' They lied to us so we'd rob Sartana for them.
:'''Frida''': ''[in the same happy tone as before]'' I hate those guys.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': You're like a pathetic piñata! Let's see if you're full of candy!

===''The Late Manny Rivera / Party Monsters (1.06)''===
:'''Emiliano''': It must be the boy's fault!
:'''Rodolfo''': Clearly, it is Frida's fault. She is a trouble making, goggle-wearer!
:''[As the parents argue over whose fault it is, Manny and Frida get up from their seats and start to walk away]''
:'''Manny''': Well, it looks like you guys…
:'''Parents''': Sit down!
:''[Manny and Frida quickly sit back in their seats]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo''': Manuel Pablo Gutierrez O'Brian Equihua Rivera, if you get expelled, we are going to send you to a charm school.
:'''Maria''': In Switzerland.
:''[Manny opens his mouth to scream, but is confused to see his grandpapi doing it]''
:'''Grandpapi''': '''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!''' No grandson of mine is going to a charm school! ''Or'' to Switzerland! It is.... unnatural.
:'''Rodolfo''': Nonsense! It will be good for Manny. They will teach him punctuality, etiquette, and how to knit cute little tea cozies.
:'''Manny and Grandpapi''': '''''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Maria''': I'm sorry, mijo, but you have to take responsibility for your actions. Make us proud.
:''[Manny walks remorsefully into his bedroom a little later and closes the door behind him]''
:'''Frida''': ''[kicks Manny's bedroom door down]'' If I get expelled, my parents are gonna send me to military school! Can you think of anything worse?
:'''Manny''': Charm school.
:'''Frida''': This is serious, dude. If we get sent to different schools, we'll never see each other again. We ''cannot'' be late tomorrow.
:'''Manny''': Right. We got work to do.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Vice Principal Chakal''': I was finally going to be rid of him!
:'''Sergio''': I was finally going to be rid of him!
:'''Vice Principal Chakal''': ''[enraged at Sergio]'' YOU'RE LATE! ''500'' DETENTIONS!!
:''[Sergio reacts with horror and dismay]''
:'''Frida''': Everything worked out great, Manny. There's just ''one'' problem.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': My shattered spine?
:'''Frida''': We gotta keep getting here on time every day for the rest of the year.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': Banned from the video arcade?!
:'''Frida''': We were just cooling the place off for him. Is that gratitude?
:'''Manny''': Aw, man. It's like a million degrees out and we got nothing to do now. Except, well, you know.
:'''Frida''': Watch pigeons explode from the heat? ''[A pigeon explodes off-screen]'' Yeah, I just hope I don't get a beak stuck in my hair this time.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Thought you could use a trim.

===''The Mustache Kid / Puma Licito (1.07)''===
:'''Manny''': You sure about this?
:'''Frida''': Yeah. Mucho-grow plant food. The bottle says it'll make anything grow.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': Well, you do look older. ''[Manny looks at her, angrily; shrugs nervously]'' Gehhh…
:'''Manny''': I would give anything for a mustache! '''''ANYTHING!!!''''' ''[echoes]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': You know, Frida, I really learned… ''[screams loudly in pain]'' EE-YOOOOW!!!! ''[falls on his back]''
:'''Frida''': Well said, dude. Well said.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo''': We need to discuss the possibility of… Grandpapi moving out of the house.
:'''Manny''': ''[hearing his parents' conversation through the walls]'' No! He ''can't'' leave! Grandpapi isn't a bad influence on me.
:'''Frida''': How'd you learn to eavesdrop like this?
:'''Manny''': Grandpapi taught me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo''': ''[takes a sip of coffee]'' Papi.
:'''Grandpapi''': ''[takes sip of coffee]'' Rodolfo.
:'''Rodolfo''': ''[takes sip of coffee]'' Papi.
:'''Grandpapi''': ''[takes sip of coffee]'' Rodolfo.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Grandpapi''': How could a newspaper bring such lies?! I will make them pay '''''DEARLY!'''''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Grandpapi''': The ''policia'' love me? What have I done? WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?

===''Miracle City Worker / Dia de los Malos (1.08)''===
:'''Maria''': Manny, I have a surprise for you.
:'''Manny''': You mean we didn't come to the Miracle City Mint just to watch the criminals drool?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Manny and Maria have lunch together at Burritos Explosivos]''
:'''Manny''': Thanks, Mom. Burritos Explosivos is my favorite!
:'''Maria''': ''[sees a bull's head on the wall]'' Oh, ''mijo,'' look. Remember when you were younger and that bull used to freak you out?
:'''Manny''': Mom, I was a little kid, then.
:''[An explosion blows the bull's head in Manny's lap, causing him to scream terrifyingly]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': I can't believe it. They turned down every chance to steal, pillage, and punch me in the face. Maybe they really ''do'' want to change.
:'''Frida''': Yeah. Hey, how about I heat some churros. That'll cheer you up.
:'''Manny''': No, Frida. I wanna watch my mother change people for the good.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': The churros. ''[cries]'' The churros! TAKE ME INSTEAD!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dr. Chipotle Sr.''': Dr Chipotle Sr. is going to be sick. ''[Frida stuffs a churro in his mouth to shut him up, causing him to have an allergic reaction]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Newscaster''': Breaking News: We interrupt the Celebration of Heroes to take you to the Celebration of Heroes. Sartana of the Dead is attacking the convention center.
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Forget it, Sartana. You'll never get in!
:'''Sartana''': I don't have to. Because ''you'll'' never get out! ''[cackles as she strums her mystic guitar, creating an unbreakable force field around the convention center, trapping everyone]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': Soon, Quetzalcoatl's Stone will be mine! Combined with my mystic guitar, '''I WILL RULE THE WORLD!''' ''[she and her ''banditos'' enter the Hall of Gems]'' At last, I will have the power I need to… ''[gasps as she finds the stone being replaced by a rubber duck]''
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': This what you're looking for?
:'''Sartana''': Impudent boy, that stone is mine! ''Banditos,'' END THEM!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': Fool! Did you really think I would give you my mystic guitar? Listen well to the music of your DOOM! ''[strums a broomstick]''
:'''Frida''': You gotta keep an eye on your stuff when there's no cops around.

===''Yellow Pantera / Rising Son (1.09)''===
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': It's not nice to spit lies about my father!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': Those jerks insulted the Rivera family name! They made up some crazy story about dad running away from a guy called El Mal Verde.
:'''Maria''': ''[gasps in horrified shock]'' El Mal Verde.
:'''Frida''': Who is this guy? He sounds like bad salsa.
:'''Maria''': El Mal Verde is the biggest, meanest, most vicious ''bandito'' of all time! Every 10 years, he comes down from the peak of Mount ''Tortura'' and attacks Miracle City. Once, some superheroes went to stop him, but they… ''[starts to hyperventilate]'' Then your father, he went up, too, and…
:'''Manny''': And? AND?!
:'''Maria''': ''[gasping and panting]'' And…you should talk to him about it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Manny angrily kicks the library doors opened and enters]''
:'''Maria''': Oh. You spoke to your father?
:'''Manny''': Huh, you mean the coward?!
:'''Maria''': ''[having to hear that; sharped]'' Manny!
:'''Frida''': Harsh.
:'''Manny''': It's true! He ran from a fight! He tarnished our family name, Mom!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': There's only ''one'' way I can save the Rivera name from disgrace. ''[walks towards the window]'' I must defeat El Mal Verde ''myself!''
:'''Maria''': You will do no such thing!
:'''Frida''': That dude is ''way'' dangerous!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': It's been 10 years. So El Mal Verde's due to attack Miracle City again. And if the coward that is my father won't stop him, it's up to me. ''[heads over to El Mal Verde's mountain peak]''
:'''Maria''': Manny, come back!
:'''Frida''': Want me to stay behind and protect your mom, OK.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[climbing up to the top of El Mal Verde's mountain peak]'' Why'd they have to put the mountain's peak all the way at the top?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''Capitán Águila's'' Helmet of Power, ''Loba Roja's'' heat ray, dude needs to floss.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[finds his dad's wallet and knows the truth]'' Dad didn't run away 'cause he was scared to fight. He ran away 'cause he was scared of leaving me and mom alone! Papa! I'm sorry! I know you're no coward. You can beat him! I believe in you, Dad!

===''Curse of the Ablino Burrito / La Tigresa (1.10)''===
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': The little donkey boy is trying to stop the giant robot? ''[Manny and Frida nod yes]'' Then he's our only hope. Go, little donkey boy. GO!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Davi, you can maybe do it!
:'''Frida''': All right, Davi! Hit… anything!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': ''[after Frida throws a potato at her in the face]'' A potato? That's the best you can do?
:'''Frida''': Um…yes?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': ''[snatches the magazine out of Frida's hands]'' La Tigresa? Claws, a tail, and a belt? She's totally copying my whole…me! ''[rips up the magazine]'' What kind of low-down, bottom feeder steals a guy's GUY?!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': I've been needing a new guitar strap for a long time now. So, this must be the tenth time I've captured you this month.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': ''[looks down at his waist, seeing his belt is gone; gasps]'' My belt! Wha…? ''[compares the newspaper of Frida's bear incident and the magazine of her as La Tigresa]'' Frida's La Tigresa! Man, the blue hair totally should've tipped me off.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': ''[whispering]'' Can't believe you stole my belt.
:'''Frida''': Manny! How'd you know where I'd be?
:'''Manny''': Are you kidding?! You spend more time here than Sartana does.
:'''Frida''': ''[upset]'' I'm sorry I took your belt, Manny. I wanted to feel powerful, just for once.
:'''Manny''': Then how come you took it for ''twice?''
:'''Frida''': Why are you whispering anyway?
:'''Manny''': So Sartana doesn't hear… ''[gets caught by Sartana and yelps]''
:'''Frida''': MANNY!
:'''Sartana''': Ah, the one true Tigre. You will make a fine skeleton bandito. Once I strip off all your bothersome ''flesh!'' ''[sharpens her razor-sharped claws as Frida frees herself from her cell]'' Now you know how it feels to be powerless, eh?

===''The Ballad of Frida Suarez / Fool Speed Ahead (1.11)''===
:'''Manny''': Want to go to the arcade?
:'''Frida''': Five minutes, tops. ''[transits to Mayan Arcade, nighttime]'' Well, time to go home and write that masterpiece. ''[notices the sky]'' Why is the sky so dark?
:'''Manny''': We were in there for five hours.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': Dude, awesome…underpants.
:'''Manny''': Listen to me. No one must ever know of this, NO ONE!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Frida''': Feel the sting of Sartana's strings. ♫ She tossed El Tigre like a salad / Sartana of the Dead / Listen to my Sartana ballad / Listen to me shred! / She smashed him, and flashed him, and blasted his hair! / She flipped him, and stripped him to his underwear! / ZEBRA DONKEY UNDERWEAR! / Sartana crushed El Tigre like a worm! ♫

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': My dreams are finally coming true! Except for the one where my mom is a giant snail, only she's really a post office.
:'''Manny''': Yeah, that's really, uh, good. Hey, do you think maybe people are getting sick of hearing that same song?
:'''Frida''': ''[gasps]'' What are you trying to do, jinx me?! We're going on ''&quot;Caliente o Basura&quot;'' today, the whole city will be watching!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Manny''': Tough audience, huh?
:'''Frida''': ''[viciously enraged]'' You JINXED ME!
:'''Manny''': What?! You totally trashed me and I ''still'' had your back!
:'''Frida''': Hey, I put your name in an awesome hit song! And what do you do? You jinx me with your jinxy-winxy-backstabbing JINX!
:'''Manny''': Uh-huh. Call me when you remember how to be a friend again.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''C.C. Puede''': We're live from the prison graveyard for the Atomic Sombreros &quot;Back from ''La Muerte''&quot; show! Sartana may be evil incarnate, but she has put together kickin' concert!
:'''Manny''': My worst nightmare is on TV. And it pre-empted wrestling!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': Manny, I'm sorry.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': For being a selfish jerk who cared more about being a rock star than she did about her best friend?!
:'''Frida''': Well, yeah. And for this. ''[kicks the &quot;I&quot; off, letting Manny fall while he screams]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Frida's goggles! NOOOOOOOOO! ''[Frida falls on him]'' You're okay. And I'm not.
:'''Frida''': Yeah, I… ''[gasps]'' My goggles! NOOOOOOOOO! Haven't I paid enough for my rock star jerkiness?!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Uh, no.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Let's get to what we came for.
:'''Grandpapi/Puma Loco''': Yes! It's time… To sign up for the Supervillain Grand Prix!
:'''Voltura''': Puma Loco, this illegal street race is for villains only!
:'''Grandpapi/Puma Loco''': Aren't you saying I am NO VILLAIN, VOLTURA?!
:'''Lady Gobbler''': Not you, the boy! He more like a hero than a villain, lately.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Me? Ha! Would a hero do ''this?'' ''[gives Dr. Chipotle Sr. a wet willy]''
:'''Señor Sinestro''': A wet willy?!
:'''Dr. Chipotle Sr.''': Dr. Chipotle Sr. still feels that El Tigre should be DISQUALIFIED!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': STOP THE CAR!
:'''Grandpapi''': No time for donkey potty!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': Goodnight, sweet prince, and flights of- Hey, a quarter.

===''Miracle City Undercover / Bride of Puma Loco (1.12)''===
:'''Manny''': I'll prove Raul is innocent. He and I will go undercover of the Mustache Mafia and find the mace.
:'''Frida''': You're doing what now?
:'''Manny''': I can handle those mop pinheads. What's the worse that could happen?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': Frida? ''[gasps]'' YOU'RE A CLOSET MIME!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Hey, before you go, I think I figured a less painful way for you to get off my face. ''[Raul springs from Manny's face and flies away]'' For once, would you… YOOOOOOOOOWW! ''[falls flat on his back]''
:'''Frida''': ''[laughs]'' That never stops being funny.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': Why do we have to get all gussied up for dinner?
:'''Maria''': Grandpapi has something important to tell us.
:'''Rodolfo''': Perhaps he's finally getting me that pony he promised me for my 10th birthday!
:''[Flashback to his 10th birthday]''
:'''10-year-old Rodolfo''': A pony? ''[rips open his birthday present, revealing a cactus, gets poked while jumping on it and screams in pain]''
:''[Flashback ends]''
:'''Rodolfo''': I did say perhaps.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Sartana arrives at the Rivera house as she blasts the door with her mystic guitar]''
:'''Frida''': Sartana of the Dead!
:'''Rodolfo''': You ''dare'' intrude upon my father's special day?! ''[rips into his White Pantera ego as Manny changes into El Tigre]''
:'''Grandpapi''': You're making a mistake!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Don't worry, we'll get rid of this filthy garbage before your fiancée gets here. ''[he and White Pantera start charging at Sartana]''
:'''Grandpapi''': ''[blocking the way]'' NO! You no understand. This filthy garbage, she ''is'' my fiancée! ''[he and Sartana hold hands, dreamily]''
:'''Sartana''': Pumey, the love of my afterlife.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': It's like a horrible dream.
:'''Frida''': Or a really romantic nightmare.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ARE YOU ALL ''NUTS?!'' This is Sartana of the Dead, our most dangerous enemy! We ''have'' to stop this!
:'''Maria''': It is Grandpapi's decision. We ''must'' respect it, no matter how unsafe, demented, and revolting it is.
:'''Grandpapi''': Thank you.
:'''Sartana''': Manny, I hope that one day you will call me, ''Grandmami.''
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': &lt;big&gt;'''''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt; ''[continues screaming as time went by and stops]'' Whoa, how long have I been screaming?
:'''Frida''': Eh, a couple hours. We tried to stop you for while, but everyone got tired and went to bed.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Monsterzuma''': WHERE IS JEWEL?!
:'''Maria''': Manny, did you do something?
:'''Manny''': I stole Monsterzuma's jewel so he'd wake up and track it down and destroy the wedding. Hey, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

===''Eye Caramba / Clash of the Titan (1.13)''===
:'''Lady Gobbler''': I here to play the darts!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Yeah? What kind of loot you got?
:'''Lady Gobbler''': ''[takes her glass eye off her face and sets it down on the table]'' This! I bet my glass eye against…your El Tigre belt.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': My belt? Psh. For that? ''[starts walking away]'' Forget it.
:'''Lady Gobbler''': You Riveras are chicken!
:'''Manny''': ''[angrily takes off his El Tigre belt and sets it down on the table]'' My belt against your eye! One dart!
:'''Frida''': But, Manny, you stink without your Tigre powers.
:'''Manny''': Family honor will guide my aim. ''[throws the dart at a photo of Dr. Psyclopsis, missing the target; shaking his fist]'' CURSE YOU, FAMILY HONOR!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Flock of Fury, prepare to be plucked!
:'''Lady Gobbler''': TIME FOR THE FIGHTINGS! The way you treat me all those years ago was UNFORGIVABLE! ''[throws an egg bomb at Puma Loco]''
:'''Grandpapi/Puma Loco''': ''[slices the bomb in half, exploding it]'' Sorry. ''[fires his missiles at Lady Gobbler]''
:'''Lady Gobbler''': Oh, Puma. If you live through the fight, you call me, okay?
:'''Voltura''': &quot;Prepare to be plucked.&quot; Pathetic. No wonder I broke up with you.
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Uh, I broke up with ''you.''
:'''Voltura''': AS IF I COULD FORGET!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo''': We'll demolish evil doers with relentless force!
:'''Manny''': ''[Changes into El Tigre]'' Yeah!
:'''Rodolfo''': While discussing your grades, plans for college and your most private feelings!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': What am I going to do with that boy?

===''The Grave Escape (1.14)''===
:'''Manny''': The Day of the Dead was cool when I was little, but now it's just ''goofy.'' I don't wanna hurt their feelings, but… Sprits? Land of the Dand? Give me a break. ''[his stomach growls]'' What is it about skipping dinner that always makes me hungry?
:'''Frida''': You got me. Good thing there's tons of delicious food right here.
:'''Manny''': Frida, we can't eat my dad's sacred offerings that… ''[gasps]'' Is that real imitation crab? Mmm… Just a nibble.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': The gypsy lady I stole the string from guaranteed it would work!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Grandpapi''': ''¡Mi corazón!'' CLEAR!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': Say hello to my little friends.
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Sartana of the Dead? Attacking on the Day of the Dead?! Actually, that makes sense.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': ''[holding onto Manny, screaming]'' Lucky for us we're already in a coffin. ''[resumes screaming]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Ay, karate! Frida, these are my ancestors. The first Rivera supervillain, Dark Leopard. The first hero, Golden Leon. The Mighty Cheetar, scourge of the Seven Seas. And my great-Grandpapi, Justice Jaguar.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Justice Jaguar''': There is one who has the power to reach the living world, if we can get him to use it: El Tigre.
:''[Dark Leopard and Mighty Cheetar gasp]''
:'''Frida''': ''[confused]'' Wait, who the whats?
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': The original El Tigre. The first Rivera hero or villain. He never decided which.
:'''Frida''': Hey, just like you!
:'''Golden Leone''': The indecision ravaged his mind. He is now naught but a babbling fool.
:'''Frida''': Hey, just like you! 
:''[Manny frowns]''
:'''Justice Jaguar''': Riveras, time to visit, El Tigre.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Mighty El Tigre, we need your help. Can you get us to Miracle City?
:'''Original El Tigre''': Why should I? ''[looks up above at the Land of the Living, seeing White Pantera and Puma Loco in trouble]''
:'''Grandpapi/Puma Loco''': Ai-yee! That was my favorite kidney!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Do it for them… White Pantera and Puma Loco. Good or bad, they ''always'' respected your memory.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': ''All'' the Riveras back from the dead?! DESTROY THEM, MY BEAST!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': We've got one chance. We must use our ''ultimate'' weapon… the Rivera Super Macho Blitz!
:''[The Riveras gasp in shock of hearing it]''
:'''Grandpapi/Puma Loco''': But, Manny, no one has ''ever'' survived the blitz!
:'''Justice Jaguar''': I know I didn't.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': I gotta take a chance. If I don't Sartana will destroy Miracle City! The Rivera bloodline will end! Rivera men, assemble!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Original El Tigre''': You can do it, El Tigre! I believe in you! You are a '''RIVERA!!!'''
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Ancient Tiger Spirit, I SUMMON YOU!
:'''Grandpapi/Puma Loco''': ''[surprised; to Rodolfo]'' Where'd he learn that?

===''Burrito's Little Helper / Crouching Tigre Hidden Dragon (1.15)''===
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[angrily losing his temper as everyone laughs at him and rips up the moose costume]'' That is absolutely positively '''IT!!!''' I CAN'T STAND IT, ANYMORE! ''[points to Davi, furiously]'' YOU ARE THE WORST SUPERHERO OF ALL TIME! You don't ''deserve'' a sidekick!
:''[Everyone gasps in shock at Manny's insult to Davi]''
:'''Frida''': Dude!

===''The Cactus Kid / A Mother's Glove (1.16)''===
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': What are you so mad about?! You're the one who started all this!
:'''Grandpapi/Puma Loco''': I start it?! You the one don't want to do evil no more.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': So, you replaced me with some geeky wannabe supervillain kid?!
:'''Grandpapi/Puma Loco''': Bah, I just using him. That goofy ball never going to be a real villain.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cactus Kid''': Sufferin' saguaros! Now that is cactus power! ''[creates an army of cactus monsters; cackles evilly]'' So, Riveras. Who's a real supervillain now?
:'''Manny and Grandpapi''': You.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': Dude, big locked box.
:'''Manny''': '''&quot;Warning.&quot; &quot;Danger.&quot; &quot;Do not open.&quot;'''
:'''Frida''': Wow, it's like an us trap. Wait, maybe your dad planted it here.
:'''Manny''': Yeah, to test us.
:'''Frida''': I fail.
:'''Manny''': Me too.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Mom, what's going on?
:'''Maria''': There's something you don't know about me. Something shocking.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Ah, nothing shocks me.
:'''Maria''': I was once… a superhero. ''[Manny babbles in shock as his brain shatters into pieces from inside his head]'' I was on college. ''[Flashback to her college years]'' I went to this party, and someone brought some mystical objects of power, and I… tried one on. Things were crazy back then. But, it was a different time. ''[puts the glove on and turns into her superhero identity]'' I was known as, Plata Peligrosa. At first, it was fun. Saving people, thwarting evil. But then… Then… ''[starts panting and hyperventilates as flashback ends]''
:'''Frida''': Here we go. ''[takes out a paper bag, takes a bite of a sandwich and gives the paper bag to Maria]''
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Mom, this is great! We can do stuff together, use our powers for good… or evil. Whatever, I'm easy.
:'''Maria''': ''[blows the paper bag too hard, popping the bottom]'' No, Manny… never! I gave up my powers because I couldn't handle the danger. Now, lock that glove back up and let us never speak of it again!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': This is nuts! I thought you quit superheroing because you couldn't handle the danger!
:'''Maria/Plata Peligrosa''': I couldn't handle how much I ''loved'' the danger. I was afraid it would become an obsession, but now I know that I am PERFECTLY IN CONTROL! ''[cackles]''
:'''El Oso''': For a hero, she gots a good evil laugh, man.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Mom, this has to stop!
:'''Maria/Plata Peligrosa''': You've been spending too much time with that evil Grandpapi of yours. Your father would never back down from a fight with villains!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': He also wouldn't have busted them out of jail.
:'''Maria/Plata Peligrosa''': You… you're right, ''mijo.'' I've got it all wrong.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Stop hitting my mom… Mom!
:'''Maria/Plata Peligrosa''': Only a villain would help a villain like me! I will make you '''''PAY!'''''
:'''Frida''': ''[spitting out popcorn]'' She's doing what now?!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': No, Mom, you don't mean it! That's the glove talking!

===''The Good, The Bad, and The Tigre (1.17)''===
:'''Sartana''': Tomorrow, I will hold a tournament beneath the Miracle City volcano. The winner will receive my mystic guitar! My skeleton bandito army… And a three-month's subscription to &quot;Villains Quarterly!&quot;
:'''Grandpapi/Puma Loco''': Yes, yes, yes, ''magnifico!'' ''[laughs while hyperventilates]'' What? Is good magazine.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': Can you believe them?
:'''Frida''': No. And what century did movies cost a quarter?!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': Villains, you will all compete in a series of events designed by me. If you lose even once, you will be ''eliminated…'' ''[The villains all gasp in shock]'' from the tournament. ''[The villains all sigh in relief]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': Anyone who is here can compete. ''[strums her guitar, closing the entrances]'' Because no one leaves the volcano until the tournament is over. ''NO ONE!''
:'''El Mal Verde''': You will hold us prisoner?
:'''El Oso''': I didn't pack a lunch.
:'''El Tarantula''': No! I have to return these DVDs by 10:00 or I get charged for another day!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': You know what they say, the bigger they are…
:'''Frida''': The more likely they'll cause internal bleeding! I know!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': El Tigre wins! Uh, go figure. And to ensure that no one leaves, all losers will be shackled!
:'''El Mal Verde''': ''Nobody'' shackles Mal Verde!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ENOUGH! You think I'm just some kid you can boss around? ''[to his father]'' I'm not your side ''[to his Grandpapi]'' and I'm not on your side. I'm on ''my'' side. And if you don't wanna get hurt, ''[menacingly]'' stay out of my way.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': I warned you to stay out of my way… And you're like one foot off the ground.
:'''Grandpapi/Puma Loco''': Yes, well, you're still very mean.
:'''Django''': ''[claps slowly]'' See? He has chosen power over family. I told you he was a true villain.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[confused]'' Django? What?
:'''Sartana''': He is indeed worthy. El Tigre, join us. With you and Django by my side, we will rule the world!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Huh? You said you were retiring!
:'''Sartana''': Yes, but I ''FIBBED!'' ''[cackles evilly]''
:'''Comrade Chaos''': A fib?!
:'''El Oso''': It can't be!
:'''El Tarantula''': Never trust a villain.
:'''Sartana''': Your plan worked perfectly, Django.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''Your'' plan?
:'''Django''': Yes. I devised this tournament as a way to get all of grandmother's evil competition in one place and DESTROY THEM!
:'''Frida''': That is one complicated evil plan.
:'''Comrade Chaos''': He truly is an artist.
:'''El Oso''': I would applaud if he weren't destroying me.
:'''El Tarantula''': Wait, so that's ''real'' lava?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Django, I really appreciate this.
:'''Django''': The offer to join us?
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': No. You're sticking out your hand like an idiot.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': Manny, red hot lava! Getting close, but no pressure!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': ''[to Django]'' Just wait till your mother hears about this.

===''A Fistful of Nickels / Animales! (1.18)''===
:'''Rodolfo''': Manuel Pablo Gutierrez O'Brian Equihua Rivera, I am VERY disappointed in you. You have to learn to be responsible.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': How ''DARE'' you steal from me you little maggot!
:'''Frida''': He was stupid enough.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Sartana, face the power of… The Riveras! And Frida.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': ''[cackling]'' Fools! Death ''always'' wins in the end!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Dropped in the belly of the beast.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': There's only ''one'' way to escape this monster and destroy Sartana. Our ultimate weapon: the ''Caliente'' Catapult of Carnage!
:''[Frida gasps upon hearing this]''
:'''Grandpapi/Puma Loco''': No…it's too dangerous!
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': I won't risk…my only son!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Dad… I know I messed up. I sent Señor Chapi to bird heaven, and I wrecked the house… twice. But please, let me show you I can be a hero. I ''will'' make you proud.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': ''[sighs]'' What am I going to do with that boy?
:'''Grandpapi''': Don't worry, someday Manny will be a truly great villain.
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Hero, he'll be a hero!
:'''Frida''': So, what now?
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Oh, uh, maybe, uhh… Hide Sartana's loot and tell my dad it disappeared?
:'''Frida''': Dude, you are an artist.

===''Tigre + Cuervo Forever / The Thing That Ate Frida's Brain (1.19)''===
:'''Frida''': Dude, why so mopey? You're acting like they just outlawed churros. ''[gasps]'' They didn't, did they?
:'''Manny''': My dad is super mad at me. I totally been messing up with him lately.
:'''Frida''': Do tell. ''[grabs and pulls him by the shirt collar; shouting]'' I SAID TELL!
:'''Manny''': Okay, okay! Like, yesterday, me and dad were doing a little crime-fighting.
:''[Flashback to yesterday at Miguels Jewels…]''
:'''Dr. Chipotle Sr.''': ''[walking out of the vault with a handful of gold and jewels, and sees White Pantera in front of him]'' You do not have a chance. Dr Chipotle Sr's son is sneaking up behind you.
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': That's where you're wrong. Because ''my'' son has taken care of him. Right, Manny? Manny?
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[playing a video game]'' I'm on it, Dad. High Score!
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': ''[annoyed]'' Ah, I see.
:'''Manny''': And later, me and dad caught El Oso robbing a factory… an underpants factory.
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': El Oso, drop those drawers! ''[Manny bursts out with uncontrollable laughter; confused]'' What? What's so funny? ''[El Oso rises up from behind him and gives him a wedgie]''
:''[Flashback ends]''
:'''Manny''': You try to keep a straight face in a room full of pink thongs.
:'''Frida''': Dude, preaching to the choir.
:'''Manny''': How am I gonna make it up to him?
:'''Frida''': You could clean your room. ''[Manny annoyingly looks at her]'' Sorry, talking crazy.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Just heading out to check with my &quot;anonymous source.&quot; Who might have information that could help you prevent crimes.
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': ''[agitated]'' Manny… I can't even ''LOOK'' at you right now. Seriously, it pulls my hair.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Voltura''': Make yourself at home, El Tigre.
:'''Lady Gobbler''': Yes. It's so nice to have you ''here.''
:'''Black Cuervo''': Wow. They ''totally'' hate you. Don't eat anything.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Black Cuervo''': I thought you liked me, but you were just ''USING'' ME!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[whispering a little quicker]'' Cuervo, you're totally right. I'm sorry I treated you so lousy, but I'm going to make it up to you.
:'''Black Cuervo''': ''[scoffs]'' How?
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': This fight. I'm gonna let ''you'' win.
:'''Black Cuervo''': ''[angered shock]'' LET ME WIN?!
:'''Frida''': Ooh, bad call.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': I'll yank that puppy off you with a little… ''[changes into El Tigre]'' Tigre power!
:'''Frida''': Zombie not bad, Manny. Frida ''like'' zombie.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': You may feel a pinch.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''General Chapuza''': So, zombies cannot dance, eh? Now, El Tigre. We will show you the error of your ways.

===''Stinking Badges / Mech Daddy (1.20)''===
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Check out what's at the museum… The Golden Mustache of the Pharaohs. The Mustache Mafia are totally gonna… ''[notices Frida looking gloomy with guilt]'' Hey, what's wrong?
:'''Frida''': Nothing. It's just… lying to my dad like this…
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Oh, you feeling a little guilty?
:'''Frida''': No, of course not. Guilty, me? ''[laughs]'' I laugh. Guilt slides off me like water off a duck's back. A filthy, stinking, no-good Duck who lies to her dad.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Wait a minute!
:'''Emiliano''': You stay out of this, Rivera! She lied to me.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Yeah, she lied… but only 'cause she wanted to be a good cadet so you'd like her more.
:'''Emiliano''': What?! How could I like her more?! I ''love'' my Frida. She is… my Frida.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Adios, Giant Robot Sanchez!

===''The Return of Plata Peligrosa / Chupacabros! (1.21)''===
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Doesn't your mother look pretty?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Mom, are you okay? ''[points to the glove]'' Get your hand off my mom!
:'''Maria''': Manny, it's not what you think.
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Maria, you said the glove was destroyed in the jaws of the Robasura.
:'''Maria''': I thought it was. ''[Flashback to El Tigre's last battle with the glove]'' But a few days later, it showed up on my doorstep, hurt and scared. I just couldn't turn it away. As I nursed it back health, I realized the glove was good inside. Tests in my home lab showed that if I wore the glove for only ''one'' hour at a time, I could control the danger mania. Even a few seconds more, and I become…unstable. So, the glove and I made a deal. ''[Flashback ends]'' I will use my Plata Peligrosa powers to help those in need but when my watch alarm sounds, it ''must'' get off my hand. Right, &quot;Glovey?&quot;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': That's great, Mom.
:'''Frida''': You have a home lab?
:'''Maria''': Now, I can help my boys out in a crisis.
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': ''[dreamily]'' You called me handsome.
:'''Maria''': Rodolfo, don't listen to what I say when I'm wearing the glove. I'm not myself. ''[Rodolfo puckers up his lips to kiss her; puts her hand on his mouth]'' You and I always be just friends.
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Of course. I understand completely. ''[Maria walks off]'' She called me handsome!
:'''Frida''': Wow, your mom and dad, a crime-fighting team. Maybe they'll get back together. ''[imitates kissing while rubbing Señor Chapi's head]'' Oh, Rodolfo, you're so handsome.
:'''Señor Chapi''': ''[touched while blushing]'' Ah, ''viva pantalones.''
:'''Manny''': Cut it out, Frida. We both know my parents are better off apart.
:'''Frida''': Yeah, but does your dad know?
:'''Manny''': Sure he does. Probably. Down deep. Anyway, as long as he keeps his mind off beautifying the city.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo''': Maria, we have been seeing a lot of each other lately, and… No, that's not right. ''[clears throat]'' ''Mi vida,'' I, that is, um… I need to ask you, will you have coffee with me?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': Can I get anybody anything? Soft drink? Cheese toast?
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[offering her the alarm watch]'' Hide this.
:'''Frida''': But without the alarm, your mom's gonna go all danger-crazy.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Exactly.
:''[Frida hides the alarm watch in her goggles]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': You know what's funny? If not for this inexplicable string of crimes and disasters, I would have been beautifying the city with Manny and Frida instead of… Giving them lots of money?
:''[Money flies out of Frida's goggles]''
:'''Frida''': How you doing?

===''Love and War / Wrong and Dance (1.22)''===
:'''Sergio''': What's he say?
:'''Diego''': I don't know. But it's obvious that Frida…likes Manny.
:'''Both''': ''[enraged with a background of fire]'' '''I MUST CRUSH HIM!!!'''
:'''Diego''': I will dispose of Manny and make it look like an accident.
:'''Sergio''': And once he's gone, I will make Frida mine. I will sweep her feet off…
:'''Diego''': No, I will.
:'''Sergio''': No, me.
:'''Diego''': Me!
:'''Sergio''': Me!
:'''Diego''': Me, me, ME!
:'''Sergio''': Me, me, ME!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': This is my chance to show those girls how macho I am for real! ''[Makes a girly face and claps]'' Yay!
:'''Frida''': Yeah…he's gonna need a macho coach.

===''Oso Solo Mio / Silver Wolf (1.23)''===
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Frida! Missed you at the concert tonight.
:'''Frida''': Oh, was that tonight?
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Guess you couldn't make it 'cause you were too busy STABBING ME IN THE BACK!
:'''Frida''': I didn't stab you anywhere.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': How could you?! You haven't seen me all week!
:'''Frida''': Sure, I have.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Oh yeah? What did I bring to school for lunch yesterday?
:'''Frida''': FOOD!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Lucky guess.
:'''Frida''': You're just mad because for once, ''I'm'' not your sidekick.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[angrily gets in her face]'' Yeah. You're ''his'' sidekick!
:'''Frida''': Nuh-uh, I'm not his, &quot;front-kick!&quot;
:'''Silver Wolf''': Get out of her face.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Make me, tin puppy!
:'''Silver Wolf''': Make me make you.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Make me make you make me!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Silver Wolf''': Here… ''[hands Frida his whip]'' ''Finish'' him.
:'''Frida''': ''[incredulous]'' What?
:'''Silver Wolf''': It's time for you to choose, Frida… El Tigre or me?
:'''Frida''': ''[nonchalantly]'' El Tigre. ''[takes off her biker helmet]''
:'''Silver Wolf''': Yes, though it may be agonizing you must decide between… what?
:'''Frida''': El Tigre, duh, no brainer.
:'''Silver Wolf''': You can't ''DO'' that!
:'''Frida''': Can, did.

===''The Cuervo Project / The Golden Eagle Twins (1.24)''===
:'''Zoe''': ''[to Manny, sweetly]'' Hello, Manny. ''[to Frida, annoyingly]'' Hello, Frida.
:''[Frida growls angrily]''
:'''Manny''': Come on, Frida. Zoe isn't that bad.
:'''Frida''': No? What about the time she sawed through the legs of my stool chair?
:'''Manny''': When was that?
:'''Frida''': Now. ''[falls on the ground, revealing Zoe already did it as she snickers]''
:'''Manny''': Uh, maybe she's changed since then?
:'''Frida''': I will make Zoe Aves suffer! I will humiliate her! I WILL HAVE '''''REVENGE!''''' And by &quot;I&quot;, I mean, &quot;we.&quot;
:'''Manny''': Sure, what are friends for?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': ''[annoyingly suspicious]'' Are you talking to your wrist?
:'''Zoe''': No… yes. Uh, I have to go, uh, somewhere, for… a reason. ''[zips away]''
:'''Frida''': She's hiding something.
:'''Manny''': Why? There's nothing wrong with talking to your wrist.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Black Cuervo''': Zoe Aves is NOTHING to me. Watch as I drop her into her ''OWN'' volcano!
:'''Frida''': Dude, I don't like it either, but that is harsh.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': ''[hanging on while screaming]'' Hey, I can see my house from here. ''[resumes screaming]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': The whole city still loves the twins, and I get blamed for everything.

===''Dia de los Padres / Mustache Love (1.25)''===
:'''Manny''': Only one sack of glitter left!
:''[Manny and Dr. Chipotle Jr. grab the glitter sack at the same time and fight over it]''
:'''Dr. Chipotle Jr.''': SWINE! Get your hands off my glitter!
:'''Manny''': It's mine!
:'''Dr. Chipotle Jr.''': Mine!
:'''Manny''': Mine!
:'''Dr. Chipotle Jr.''': Mine!
:'''Manny''': ''MINE!''
:''[They rip the sack off on opposite sides, causing glitter to sprinkle]''
:'''Dr. Chipotle Jr.''': YOU WILL PAY FOR… ''[sighs with depression]'' What's the point? May last hope for Father's Day is gone. And my father is already in a rotten mood. Because he keeps getting defeated by ''YOUR'' FATHER!
:'''Manny''': Yeah, my dad's in a lousy mood too.
:'''Dr. Chipotle Jr.''': ''[romantically to Frida]'' Why, Miss Suarez. I must say you are looking lovely today.
:'''Manny''': Oh, now I won't even have a lame present for my dad.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dr. Chipotle Sr. Sr.''': Do I blast the furry one or the one that looks like me?
:'''Dr. Chipotle Sr.''': ''[points to El Tigre]'' The furry one!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': Three, two, one. ''[Manny and Sophia scream in pain after Raul and Browsia detach themselves off their faces and fly away]'' I love weddings.

===''Back to Escuela / No Boots, No Belt, No Brero (1.26)''===
:'''Grandpapi''': The Golden Grasshopper of Guadalupe. The Bronze Bee of Baja. The Dryer-lint Dragonfly of Durango. All I need to complete collection is… The cursed Silver Scorpion of Sonora. And the best part is… the scorpion is on display at Manny's school tomorrow!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': ''[upset and heartbroken]'' Grandpapi? You… You ''lied'' to me? You didn't come to school to help me. You were after the scorpion all along.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Grandpapi''': Curse is on ''YOU,'' Señor Poker!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[last and final lines of the series]''
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Very good.
:'''Grandpapi/Puma Loco''': Well rockin'!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Now ''that'' was family fun!
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Yes, ''mijo.''
:'''Frida''': ''[lands in Manny's hands]'' Kiss me, you fool! ''[kisses Manny in the lips]''
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Familia forever!

==Cast==
* Manny Rivera/El Tigre ({{w|Alanna Ubach}})
* Frida Suárez ({{w|Grey DeLisle}})
* Rodolfo Rivera/White Pantera ({{w|Eric Bauza}})
* Grandpapi/Puma Loco ({{w|Carlos Alazraqui}})
* Maria Rivera/Plata Peligrosa ({{w|April Stewart}})

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
{{DEFAULTSORT:Tigre, El}}
[[Category:2000s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s Nickelodeon original series]]
[[Category:Flash animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated action TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated drama TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated superhero TV shows]]
[[Category:Teen superhero TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Nicktoons]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about teenagers]]
[[Category:TV shows about tigers]]</text>
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    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153645</id>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-11T19:55:45Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>162.197.99.132</ip>
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      <comment>/* Eye Caramba / Clash of the Titan (1.13) */</comment>
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      <text bytes="57981" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''{{w|El Tigre: The Adventures of Manny Rivera}}''''' is an American animated television series created by {{w|Jorge R. Gutierrez}} and {{w|Sandra Equihua}} for {{w|Nickelodeon}}.

==Episodes==
===''Sole of a Hero / Night of the Living Guacamole (1.01)''===
:''[First scene of the series; Rodolfo returns home, finding Manny and Frida laying in the living room, both looking bored]''
:'''Rodolfo''': Manny, I'm home. How are you kids doing?
:'''Manny and Frida''': Bored.
:'''Frida''': There's nothing fun to do.
:'''Rodolfo''': Fun is what you make of it. For instance, today I battled giant squid creatures trying to steal the Jeweled Mule of Maya. Fun. The leader escaped with the mule, but I will find him. This I swear!
:'''Frida''': I thought you quit superheroing.
:'''Rodolfo''': Technically, I'm retired. But as long as there is evil, and I am young and vital enough to oppose it, I will.
:'''Manny''': You're super macho.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': You were right. Watching you dad sleep ''is'' less boring than TV.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo''': Manny, what are you up to?
:'''Manny''': Oh, nothing. Helping the poor. ''[dashes away to his room]''
:'''Rodolfo''': Ah, the poor. Very good.
:'''Manny''': ''[sitting under his bed sheets, turns on his flashlight, looking through a magazine]'' Oh, man, this so good.
:'''Rodolfo''': ''[bursting in]'' MANNY! ''[Manny screams]'' I just spoke to the poor, and you have ''not'' been helping them.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': He saved us all from the evil guacamole!
:'''Rodolfo''': Thank you, Man- wait, what evil guacamole?
:'''Frida''': Duh. The free stuff we got from that creepy old lady so Manny could use your money to buy the tattoo maker. ''[realizing what she said]'' Dang.
:'''Rodolfo''': Manuel Pablo Gutierrez O'Brian Equihua Rivera, what is going on here?!
:'''Frida''': We can explain everything. See, there were these aliens, and then they grabbed my face…
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[sighs with guilt]'' No, Frida, it's time to tell the truth. ''[45 minutes later…]'' And worst of all, I made you guys miss the big game.
:'''Rodolfo''': So, you stole money from me and you lied. But, you also risked your life to save us and then told the truth. ''[thinks for a second]'' Let's see, what would be an appropriate punishment?

===''Enter the Cuervo / Fistful of Collars (1.02)''===
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[whispering from outside]'' Frida!
:'''Frida''': ''[wakes up and gets up from her bed to the window; whispering]'' Where have you been?!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': I'm only six hours late.
:'''Frida''': You're ''two days'' and six hours late! The party is tomorrow. Now, GO HOME! ''[turns off the light and goes back to sleep]''
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Frida? Frida? ''[screams]'' FRIDA!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': Uh, Frida? I brought you the piñata.
:'''Frida''': You did? Oh, Manny, I  I knew… ''[shocked to see Manny's poorly made piñata]'' ''This'' is my awesome birthday piñata?
:'''Manny''': Ye…abe?
:''[Piñata rips revealing what was inside]''
:'''Frida''': Pretzels and a dirty sock?!
:'''Manny''': It still needs some fine-tuning.
:'''Frida''': Where have you been the last two days?! What kind of piñata is this?! WHAT'S THE SQUARE ROOT OF NINE?!
:'''Manny''': Square root?
:'''Frida''': I need help with my math homework, which you would know if you were any kind of friend!
:'''Manny''': If ''you'' were any kind of friend, you'd know… ''[takes off his eye patch and throws it on the ground]'' I STINK AT MATH!
:'''Frida''': You just plain STINK!
:'''Manny''': Hey, if you're such a great friend, why'd I make you such a lousy piñata?!
:'''Frida''': Well, since you're ''no'' kind of friend, you… you're… UNINVITED to my party!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': No one can help you now, chica!
:'''Black Cuervo''': Think again, ''hero!'' ''[opens a slot on her wrist brace with a red button inside and pushes it; sound effect of a bird's cry echoes, Lady Gobbler and Voltura fly into sight, landing on both sides of her; They grab both her hands and fly off]'' Party while you can, El Tigre! I shall have my revenge on you! VENDETTA!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': ''[searching through the garbage can]'' Oooh! A broken yo-yo! Buffalo jerky! ''[gasps]'' And two doorknobs.
:'''Frida''': Behold! Perfectly good roller skates made from household garbage.
:'''Manny''': It's like my dad says, &quot;You don't need money to have fun.&quot;
:'''Frida''': I even made a safety gear.
:'''Manny''': Now all we need is another pair of skates.
:'''Frida''': Pssh. We don't need anything!
:'''Manny''': This is gonna be awesome if we survive.
:''[Camera zooms out revealing the two on top of a hill through the window of a plane]''
:'''Pilot''': And on the right of the plane, you can see Manny and Frida about to do something stupid.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': So, all that work really paid off.
:'''Frida''': Your dad was totally wrong. You ''do'' need money to have fun. Luxeblades, reverse somersault!
:'''Manny''': Luxeblades, give a beat, low rider style.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': I think we did the right thing. Like my dad says, &quot;You don't need money to have fun.&quot;
:'''Frida''': ''[takes out the household garbage-made roller skates she kept]'' And check it out, I still have these.
:'''Manny''': This is gonna be awesome if we survive!

===''Fool's Goal / El Tigre El Jefe (1.03)''===
:'''Grandpapi''': ''[sighs]'' What has become of my Matadors? When I played, we beat ''every'' team in the league.
:'''General Chapuza''': ''[laughs]'' Not every team.
:'''Grandpapi''': Aye! General Chapuza, you old nemesis, you.
:'''General Chapuza''': Your Miracle City matadors have never beaten my Calavera zombies. And this year will be ''no'' different. Especially with me coaching a team led by my grandson, Che.
:'''Che''': Grandfather, when may I torment and destroy the Matadors?
:'''General Chapuza''': ''[patting his grandson's head]'' Soon, my grandson, soon.
:'''Grandpapi''': This year, the Matadors will ''defeat'' the zombies! THIS I SWEAR!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Grandpapi''': Back in my day, Miracle City won ''every'' trophy imaginable. Except for the League Championship.
:'''Frida''': And we're not gonna win it this year with no-cheaty-petey coaching us.
:'''Grandpapi''': Then I will not have my revenge on General Chapuza. Oh, well. Nothing we can ado about it, ''sí?''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': I couldn't do it. As much as I wanted that trophy, honor was more important.
:'''Rodolfo''': Yes, ''mijo.'' And someday, people will respect you from this decision. But for now… ''[dashes away]'' '''RUN!!!'''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': I am here to help. I am here to help.
:'''Frida''': Dude, that's starting to creep me out.
:'''Mrs. Lupita''': Aaron, you haven't done your homework in weeks. This is it. Turn in your assignment tomorrow, or you will be '''''EXPELLED!'''''
:'''Aaron''': No more school? Wow, thanks.
:'''Mrs. Lupita''': Young man, you need ''help.''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mrs. Lupita''': Class, not only did Aaron ''do'' his homework, ''[chuckles]'' he got a perfect score on today's pop quiz! ''[places a gold star on Aaron's forehead]''
:'''Aaron''': This one's for you, Manny! Thanks for helping.
:''[The class cheers for Manny]''
:'''Frida''': You did a good thing, dude. ''[gives Manny a thumbs up]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sergio''': Somebody should really do something about that guy, huh?
:'''Frida''': Yeah. Somebody ''should.'' ''[gathers everybody in a janitor's closet]'' People, I want Help-zilla out, and the old Manny back. And Sergio here has an idea how we can do it.
:'''Sergio''': ''[stepping into the light]'' I believe I know someone who can help. Someone who can…''show'' El Tigre the error of his ways.
:'''Frida''': Like a counselor, right?
:'''Sergio''': ''[laughs]'' Yes. A counselor. ''[starts laughing maniacally]'' Uh, I, uh, I just remembered a joke.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[impressed by the carving statue of himself]'' Man, I look good.
:'''Boy''': You look like a BULLY!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[turns around, seeing Frida and everybody staring angrily at him]'' Frida? What is this?
:'''Frida''': Manny, there's someone I want you to talk to. Where's Sergio's friend?
:'''Señor Sinestro''': ''[drops down in front]'' Here!
:'''Frida''': Ooh, this ''may'' have been a mistake.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': Pst.
:'''Manny''': You would say that.
:'''Frida''': I swear I didn't mean for this to happen, Manny. You've gotta help us.
:'''Manny''': I ''was'' helping. How could you do this to me? Don't you know you can't force people to change?
:'''Frida''': Yeah, I know that. Do you?
:'''Manny''': Of course, I- ''[realizes]'' Oh… This, this is all my fault.

===''Zebra Donkey / Adios Amigos (1.04)''===
:''[Rivera house; Manny and Frida stand in front of Zebra Donkey's grave after his death of being poisoned by bananas]''
:'''Manny''': ''[places a flower on Zebra Donkey's grave; breaking down sadly]'' It is as if, I have lost a brother. A striped, long-eared brother. And it's all my fault!
:'''Frida''': Um, Manny? The Zebra Donkey fiesta spectacular is tomorrow.
:'''Manny''': ''[shouting]'' THIS IS NO TIME TO TALK ABOUT PARTIES! ''[calms down]'' I'm sorry, I just need some time to grieve.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': You sure about this?
:'''Manny''': I gotta get Zebra Donkey back! He's my best… ''[realizes]'' my second best friend.
:'''Frida''': Nice say, dude.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': Thieves!
:'''Frida''': ''[through gritted teeth]'' ''Never'' say, &quot;What could go wrong?&quot;
:'''Sartana''': Steal from me ''and'' give me a bad makeover?! You will PAY!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': Manny, you've gotta smash Sartana's guitar. It'll make her crumble to dust, ''and'' her banditos!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': And Zebra Donkey.
:'''Frida''': Oh, yeah.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': I can't lose him again! I just can't! There has to be another way!
:'''Frida''': Hypnosis. Time machine. Pixie dust.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Zebra Donkey sacrificed himself…
:'''Frida''': To save us all.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo''': ''[clears throat]'' When your mother and I got married, I had less time with the Titan. Then we had you, and the decision was clear. My family was more important to me than my partnership with the Titan. So we went our separate ways.
:'''Manny''': What happened to him?
:'''Rodolfo''': He couldn't make it as a solo superhero. Eventually, he left town, and turned to a life of crime. And he blamed ''you'' for his misfortunes.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': ''[making a rice-shaped sculpture of Frida's head during lunch]'' What's that you say, Rice Frida? You miss me? I miss you, too.

===''The Mother of All Tigres / Old Money (1.05)''===
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Now, Manny, we have work to do. The divine angel who is your mother is coming to visit! And we must…clean up this mess, at once!
:'''El Oso''': Why, man?
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Oh, you gotta hear this story! ''[Flashback begins with his parents walking through the park with him as a baby in a baby carriage]'' When my folks first got married, Mom used to think Dad being White Pantera was cool. Then, one day…
:'''Rodolfo''': ''[changes into his White Pantera persona and runs over to stop El Mal Verde]'' Halt, fiend! So says, White- ''[gets smashed repeatedly by El Mal Verde's metal club; El Mal Verde laughs and walks away; holds up a thumbs up, bruised and beaten as Maria runs over to him, carrying baby Manny]''
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': It was the first time she saw my dad get hurt, and she totally lost it.
:''[Maria starts hyperventilating]''
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Maria didn't want me to be a superhero anymore. She couldn't stand to see me in danger. But I could not ignore the crisp, clean refreshing call of crime fighting! It was in my blood! ''[Maria watches her husband getting beaten by the giant creatures, starts hyperventilating, pulls her hair, and screams]'' In the end, she could not stand it anymore. ''[next scene shows Maria packing up her stuff as he starts tearing up]'' She had to… ''[sobs]'' ''leave'' me! 
:'''Maria''': ''[gives Manny a sweet kiss and stands outside the front door as Rodolfo looks on with sadness]'' I'm sorry, but I married the man, not the mask.
:''[The door closes in front of her and Granpapi enters a split second later]''
:'''Grandpapi''': I moved in to make sure Rodolfo and Manny would be okay. Also because I crashed my evil headquarters of evil. Maria's career as a mariachi singer took off after that. She traveled the world, performing for adoring fans everywhere, even Luxembourg! Manny goes to visit her every month.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': I got my El Tigre belt after Mom went on tour. ''[spins his belt buckle and changes into El Tigre; flashback ends]'' And I, uh…haven't had a chance to tell her about it yet.
:'''Frida''': Dude, she is gonna freak when she finds out!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': I know. So that's why we gotta clean. If my mom sees all this wreckage, she'll know we've been doing superhero stuff, and she'll freak out.
:'''El Oso''': ''[agitated]'' I just asked why you gotta hide stuff! You don't gotta tell me your whole story, man!
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Hurry! Maria will be here tomorrow! And I will once again behold a sweet goddess without whom my life has become a pit of misery. And who I never think about anymore.
:'''Grandpapi''': Didn't I tell you? Maria called to say she's coming early. She should be here in about, eh… no minutes.
:''[The doorbell rings and Rodolfo freezes in fear]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Leone Middle School; Manny and Frida are in Vice Principal Chakal's office, covered in green slime]'' 
:'''Vice Principal Chakal''': Do you have any idea how many detentions you have?
:'''Manny''': Uh, 10?
:'''Vice Principal Chakal''': 136! Since there ''aren't'' enough days left in the year to ''serve'' all these, you must either work them off by doing community service, or… SPEND TWO MONTHS IN OUR SUMMER DETENTION CAMP IN THE NONAGUA DESERT!
:'''Frida''': Community service doesn't sound so bad.
:'''Vice Principal Chakal''': Oh, it won't be so bad. It will be…''SO BAD!'' Your options are… clean up after frog dissections, shovel cafeteria gristle, de-clog toilets, or…leave school early to volunteer at an old folk's home!
:'''Manny and Frida''': ''[sobbing]'' NO!
:'''Manny''': I'm sorry. Did you say leave school early?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[After Manny and Frida load Sartana's loot into El Tarantula's loot cart and blast a hole open with Mano Negra's Glove of Doom, they soon realize they're not even moving]''
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Uh, why aren't we moving?
:''[They turn around and see Sartana holding onto the attached jet pack on the cart]''
:'''Sartana''': Fools! ''[cackles]'' ''No one'' steals from Sartana of the Dead!
:''[Manny and Frida scream in terror and Sartana strums her mystic guitar, opening the cell doors for her skeleton banditos to attack]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': I love those guys.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[picking the cell lock]'' They lied to us so we'd rob Sartana for them.
:'''Frida''': ''[in the same happy tone as before]'' I hate those guys.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': You're like a pathetic piñata! Let's see if you're full of candy!

===''The Late Manny Rivera / Party Monsters (1.06)''===
:'''Emiliano''': It must be the boy's fault!
:'''Rodolfo''': Clearly, it is Frida's fault. She is a trouble making, goggle-wearer!
:''[As the parents argue over whose fault it is, Manny and Frida get up from their seats and start to walk away]''
:'''Manny''': Well, it looks like you guys…
:'''Parents''': Sit down!
:''[Manny and Frida quickly sit back in their seats]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo''': Manuel Pablo Gutierrez O'Brian Equihua Rivera, if you get expelled, we are going to send you to a charm school.
:'''Maria''': In Switzerland.
:''[Manny opens his mouth to scream, but is confused to see his grandpapi doing it]''
:'''Grandpapi''': '''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!''' No grandson of mine is going to a charm school! ''Or'' to Switzerland! It is.... unnatural.
:'''Rodolfo''': Nonsense! It will be good for Manny. They will teach him punctuality, etiquette, and how to knit cute little tea cozies.
:'''Manny and Grandpapi''': '''''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Maria''': I'm sorry, mijo, but you have to take responsibility for your actions. Make us proud.
:''[Manny walks remorsefully into his bedroom a little later and closes the door behind him]''
:'''Frida''': ''[kicks Manny's bedroom door down]'' If I get expelled, my parents are gonna send me to military school! Can you think of anything worse?
:'''Manny''': Charm school.
:'''Frida''': This is serious, dude. If we get sent to different schools, we'll never see each other again. We ''cannot'' be late tomorrow.
:'''Manny''': Right. We got work to do.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Vice Principal Chakal''': I was finally going to be rid of him!
:'''Sergio''': I was finally going to be rid of him!
:'''Vice Principal Chakal''': ''[enraged at Sergio]'' YOU'RE LATE! ''500'' DETENTIONS!!
:''[Sergio reacts with horror and dismay]''
:'''Frida''': Everything worked out great, Manny. There's just ''one'' problem.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': My shattered spine?
:'''Frida''': We gotta keep getting here on time every day for the rest of the year.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': Banned from the video arcade?!
:'''Frida''': We were just cooling the place off for him. Is that gratitude?
:'''Manny''': Aw, man. It's like a million degrees out and we got nothing to do now. Except, well, you know.
:'''Frida''': Watch pigeons explode from the heat? ''[A pigeon explodes off-screen]'' Yeah, I just hope I don't get a beak stuck in my hair this time.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Thought you could use a trim.

===''The Mustache Kid / Puma Licito (1.07)''===
:'''Manny''': You sure about this?
:'''Frida''': Yeah. Mucho-grow plant food. The bottle says it'll make anything grow.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': Well, you do look older. ''[Manny looks at her, angrily; shrugs nervously]'' Gehhh…
:'''Manny''': I would give anything for a mustache! '''''ANYTHING!!!''''' ''[echoes]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': You know, Frida, I really learned… ''[screams loudly in pain]'' EE-YOOOOW!!!! ''[falls on his back]''
:'''Frida''': Well said, dude. Well said.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo''': We need to discuss the possibility of… Grandpapi moving out of the house.
:'''Manny''': ''[hearing his parents' conversation through the walls]'' No! He ''can't'' leave! Grandpapi isn't a bad influence on me.
:'''Frida''': How'd you learn to eavesdrop like this?
:'''Manny''': Grandpapi taught me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo''': ''[takes a sip of coffee]'' Papi.
:'''Grandpapi''': ''[takes sip of coffee]'' Rodolfo.
:'''Rodolfo''': ''[takes sip of coffee]'' Papi.
:'''Grandpapi''': ''[takes sip of coffee]'' Rodolfo.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Grandpapi''': How could a newspaper bring such lies?! I will make them pay '''''DEARLY!'''''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Grandpapi''': The ''policia'' love me? What have I done? WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?

===''Miracle City Worker / Dia de los Malos (1.08)''===
:'''Maria''': Manny, I have a surprise for you.
:'''Manny''': You mean we didn't come to the Miracle City Mint just to watch the criminals drool?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Manny and Maria have lunch together at Burritos Explosivos]''
:'''Manny''': Thanks, Mom. Burritos Explosivos is my favorite!
:'''Maria''': ''[sees a bull's head on the wall]'' Oh, ''mijo,'' look. Remember when you were younger and that bull used to freak you out?
:'''Manny''': Mom, I was a little kid, then.
:''[An explosion blows the bull's head in Manny's lap, causing him to scream terrifyingly]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': I can't believe it. They turned down every chance to steal, pillage, and punch me in the face. Maybe they really ''do'' want to change.
:'''Frida''': Yeah. Hey, how about I heat some churros. That'll cheer you up.
:'''Manny''': No, Frida. I wanna watch my mother change people for the good.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': The churros. ''[cries]'' The churros! TAKE ME INSTEAD!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dr. Chipotle Sr.''': Dr Chipotle Sr. is going to be sick. ''[Frida stuffs a churro in his mouth to shut him up, causing him to have an allergic reaction]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Newscaster''': Breaking News: We interrupt the Celebration of Heroes to take you to the Celebration of Heroes. Sartana of the Dead is attacking the convention center.
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Forget it, Sartana. You'll never get in!
:'''Sartana''': I don't have to. Because ''you'll'' never get out! ''[cackles as she strums her mystic guitar, creating an unbreakable force field around the convention center, trapping everyone]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': Soon, Quetzalcoatl's Stone will be mine! Combined with my mystic guitar, '''I WILL RULE THE WORLD!''' ''[she and her ''banditos'' enter the Hall of Gems]'' At last, I will have the power I need to… ''[gasps as she finds the stone being replaced by a rubber duck]''
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': This what you're looking for?
:'''Sartana''': Impudent boy, that stone is mine! ''Banditos,'' END THEM!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': Fool! Did you really think I would give you my mystic guitar? Listen well to the music of your DOOM! ''[strums a broomstick]''
:'''Frida''': You gotta keep an eye on your stuff when there's no cops around.

===''Yellow Pantera / Rising Son (1.09)''===
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': It's not nice to spit lies about my father!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': Those jerks insulted the Rivera family name! They made up some crazy story about dad running away from a guy called El Mal Verde.
:'''Maria''': ''[gasps in horrified shock]'' El Mal Verde.
:'''Frida''': Who is this guy? He sounds like bad salsa.
:'''Maria''': El Mal Verde is the biggest, meanest, most vicious ''bandito'' of all time! Every 10 years, he comes down from the peak of Mount ''Tortura'' and attacks Miracle City. Once, some superheroes went to stop him, but they… ''[starts to hyperventilate]'' Then your father, he went up, too, and…
:'''Manny''': And? AND?!
:'''Maria''': ''[gasping and panting]'' And…you should talk to him about it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Manny angrily kicks the library doors opened and enters]''
:'''Maria''': Oh. You spoke to your father?
:'''Manny''': Huh, you mean the coward?!
:'''Maria''': ''[having to hear that; sharped]'' Manny!
:'''Frida''': Harsh.
:'''Manny''': It's true! He ran from a fight! He tarnished our family name, Mom!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': There's only ''one'' way I can save the Rivera name from disgrace. ''[walks towards the window]'' I must defeat El Mal Verde ''myself!''
:'''Maria''': You will do no such thing!
:'''Frida''': That dude is ''way'' dangerous!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': It's been 10 years. So El Mal Verde's due to attack Miracle City again. And if the coward that is my father won't stop him, it's up to me. ''[heads over to El Mal Verde's mountain peak]''
:'''Maria''': Manny, come back!
:'''Frida''': Want me to stay behind and protect your mom, OK.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[climbing up to the top of El Mal Verde's mountain peak]'' Why'd they have to put the mountain's peak all the way at the top?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''Capitán Águila's'' Helmet of Power, ''Loba Roja's'' heat ray, dude needs to floss.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[finds his dad's wallet and knows the truth]'' Dad didn't run away 'cause he was scared to fight. He ran away 'cause he was scared of leaving me and mom alone! Papa! I'm sorry! I know you're no coward. You can beat him! I believe in you, Dad!

===''Curse of the Ablino Burrito / La Tigresa (1.10)''===
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': The little donkey boy is trying to stop the giant robot? ''[Manny and Frida nod yes]'' Then he's our only hope. Go, little donkey boy. GO!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Davi, you can maybe do it!
:'''Frida''': All right, Davi! Hit… anything!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': ''[after Frida throws a potato at her in the face]'' A potato? That's the best you can do?
:'''Frida''': Um…yes?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': ''[snatches the magazine out of Frida's hands]'' La Tigresa? Claws, a tail, and a belt? She's totally copying my whole…me! ''[rips up the magazine]'' What kind of low-down, bottom feeder steals a guy's GUY?!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': I've been needing a new guitar strap for a long time now. So, this must be the tenth time I've captured you this month.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': ''[looks down at his waist, seeing his belt is gone; gasps]'' My belt! Wha…? ''[compares the newspaper of Frida's bear incident and the magazine of her as La Tigresa]'' Frida's La Tigresa! Man, the blue hair totally should've tipped me off.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': ''[whispering]'' Can't believe you stole my belt.
:'''Frida''': Manny! How'd you know where I'd be?
:'''Manny''': Are you kidding?! You spend more time here than Sartana does.
:'''Frida''': ''[upset]'' I'm sorry I took your belt, Manny. I wanted to feel powerful, just for once.
:'''Manny''': Then how come you took it for ''twice?''
:'''Frida''': Why are you whispering anyway?
:'''Manny''': So Sartana doesn't hear… ''[gets caught by Sartana and yelps]''
:'''Frida''': MANNY!
:'''Sartana''': Ah, the one true Tigre. You will make a fine skeleton bandito. Once I strip off all your bothersome ''flesh!'' ''[sharpens her razor-sharped claws as Frida frees herself from her cell]'' Now you know how it feels to be powerless, eh?

===''The Ballad of Frida Suarez / Fool Speed Ahead (1.11)''===
:'''Manny''': Want to go to the arcade?
:'''Frida''': Five minutes, tops. ''[transits to Mayan Arcade, nighttime]'' Well, time to go home and write that masterpiece. ''[notices the sky]'' Why is the sky so dark?
:'''Manny''': We were in there for five hours.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': Dude, awesome…underpants.
:'''Manny''': Listen to me. No one must ever know of this, NO ONE!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Frida''': Feel the sting of Sartana's strings. ♫ She tossed El Tigre like a salad / Sartana of the Dead / Listen to my Sartana ballad / Listen to me shred! / She smashed him, and flashed him, and blasted his hair! / She flipped him, and stripped him to his underwear! / ZEBRA DONKEY UNDERWEAR! / Sartana crushed El Tigre like a worm! ♫

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': My dreams are finally coming true! Except for the one where my mom is a giant snail, only she's really a post office.
:'''Manny''': Yeah, that's really, uh, good. Hey, do you think maybe people are getting sick of hearing that same song?
:'''Frida''': ''[gasps]'' What are you trying to do, jinx me?! We're going on ''&quot;Caliente o Basura&quot;'' today, the whole city will be watching!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Manny''': Tough audience, huh?
:'''Frida''': ''[viciously enraged]'' You JINXED ME!
:'''Manny''': What?! You totally trashed me and I ''still'' had your back!
:'''Frida''': Hey, I put your name in an awesome hit song! And what do you do? You jinx me with your jinxy-winxy-backstabbing JINX!
:'''Manny''': Uh-huh. Call me when you remember how to be a friend again.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''C.C. Puede''': We're live from the prison graveyard for the Atomic Sombreros &quot;Back from ''La Muerte''&quot; show! Sartana may be evil incarnate, but she has put together kickin' concert!
:'''Manny''': My worst nightmare is on TV. And it pre-empted wrestling!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': Manny, I'm sorry.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': For being a selfish jerk who cared more about being a rock star than she did about her best friend?!
:'''Frida''': Well, yeah. And for this. ''[kicks the &quot;I&quot; off, letting Manny fall while he screams]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Frida's goggles! NOOOOOOOOO! ''[Frida falls on him]'' You're okay. And I'm not.
:'''Frida''': Yeah, I… ''[gasps]'' My goggles! NOOOOOOOOO! Haven't I paid enough for my rock star jerkiness?!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Uh, no.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Let's get to what we came for.
:'''Grandpapi/Puma Loco''': Yes! It's time… To sign up for the Supervillain Grand Prix!
:'''Voltura''': Puma Loco, this illegal street race is for villains only!
:'''Grandpapi/Puma Loco''': Aren't you saying I am NO VILLAIN, VOLTURA?!
:'''Lady Gobbler''': Not you, the boy! He more like a hero than a villain, lately.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Me? Ha! Would a hero do ''this?'' ''[gives Dr. Chipotle Sr. a wet willy]''
:'''Señor Sinestro''': A wet willy?!
:'''Dr. Chipotle Sr.''': Dr. Chipotle Sr. still feels that El Tigre should be DISQUALIFIED!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': STOP THE CAR!
:'''Grandpapi''': No time for donkey potty!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': Goodnight, sweet prince, and flights of- Hey, a quarter.

===''Miracle City Undercover / Bride of Puma Loco (1.12)''===
:'''Manny''': I'll prove Raul is innocent. He and I will go undercover of the Mustache Mafia and find the mace.
:'''Frida''': You're doing what now?
:'''Manny''': I can handle those mop pinheads. What's the worse that could happen?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': Frida? ''[gasps]'' YOU'RE A CLOSET MIME!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Hey, before you go, I think I figured a less painful way for you to get off my face. ''[Raul springs from Manny's face and flies away]'' For once, would you… YOOOOOOOOOWW! ''[falls flat on his back]''
:'''Frida''': ''[laughs]'' That never stops being funny.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': Why do we have to get all gussied up for dinner?
:'''Maria''': Grandpapi has something important to tell us.
:'''Rodolfo''': Perhaps he's finally getting me that pony he promised me for my 10th birthday!
:''[Flashback to his 10th birthday]''
:'''10-year-old Rodolfo''': A pony? ''[rips open his birthday present, revealing a cactus, gets poked while jumping on it and screams in pain]''
:''[Flashback ends]''
:'''Rodolfo''': I did say perhaps.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Sartana arrives at the Rivera house as she blasts the door with her mystic guitar]''
:'''Frida''': Sartana of the Dead!
:'''Rodolfo''': You ''dare'' intrude upon my father's special day?! ''[rips into his White Pantera ego as Manny changes into El Tigre]''
:'''Grandpapi''': You're making a mistake!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Don't worry, we'll get rid of this filthy garbage before your fiancée gets here. ''[he and White Pantera start charging at Sartana]''
:'''Grandpapi''': ''[blocking the way]'' NO! You no understand. This filthy garbage, she ''is'' my fiancée! ''[he and Sartana hold hands, dreamily]''
:'''Sartana''': Pumey, the love of my afterlife.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': It's like a horrible dream.
:'''Frida''': Or a really romantic nightmare.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ARE YOU ALL ''NUTS?!'' This is Sartana of the Dead, our most dangerous enemy! We ''have'' to stop this!
:'''Maria''': It is Grandpapi's decision. We ''must'' respect it, no matter how unsafe, demented, and revolting it is.
:'''Grandpapi''': Thank you.
:'''Sartana''': Manny, I hope that one day you will call me, ''Grandmami.''
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': &lt;big&gt;'''''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt; ''[continues screaming as time went by and stops]'' Whoa, how long have I been screaming?
:'''Frida''': Eh, a couple hours. We tried to stop you for while, but everyone got tired and went to bed.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Monsterzuma''': WHERE IS JEWEL?!
:'''Maria''': Manny, did you do something?
:'''Manny''': I stole Monsterzuma's jewel so he'd wake up and track it down and destroy the wedding. Hey, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

===''Eye Caramba / Clash of the Titan (1.13)''===
:'''Lady Gobbler''': I here to play the darts!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Yeah? What kind of loot you got?
:'''Lady Gobbler''': ''[takes her glass eye off her face and sets it down on the table]'' This! I bet my glass eye against…your El Tigre belt.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': My belt? Psh. For that? ''[starts walking away]'' Forget it.
:'''Lady Gobbler''': You Riveras are chicken!
:'''Manny''': ''[angrily takes off his El Tigre belt and sets it down on the table]'' My belt against your eye! One dart!
:'''Frida''': But, Manny, you stink without your Tigre powers.
:'''Manny''': Family honor will guide my aim. ''[throws the dart at a photo of Dr. Psyclopsis, missing the target; shaking his fist]'' CURSE YOU, FAMILY HONOR!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Voltura''': He is such a twit. No wonder I broke up with him back when we were teenagers.
:'''Lady Gobbler''': Um…he break up with you?
:'''Voltura''': AS IF I COULD FORGET!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Flock of Fury, prepare to be plucked!
:'''Lady Gobbler''': TIME FOR THE FIGHTINGS! The way you treat me all those years ago was UNFORGIVABLE! ''[throws an egg bomb at Puma Loco]''
:'''Grandpapi/Puma Loco''': ''[slices the bomb in half, exploding it]'' Sorry. ''[fires his missiles at Lady Gobbler]''
:'''Lady Gobbler''': Oh, Puma. If you live through the fight, you call me, okay?
:'''Voltura''': &quot;Prepare to be plucked.&quot; Pathetic. No wonder I broke up with you.
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Uh, I broke up with ''you.''
:'''Voltura''': AS IF I COULD FORGET!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo''': We'll demolish evil doers with relentless force!
:'''Manny''': ''[Changes into El Tigre]'' Yeah!
:'''Rodolfo''': While discussing your grades, plans for college and your most private feelings!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': What am I going to do with that boy?

===''The Grave Escape (1.14)''===
:'''Manny''': The Day of the Dead was cool when I was little, but now it's just ''goofy.'' I don't wanna hurt their feelings, but… Sprits? Land of the Dand? Give me a break. ''[his stomach growls]'' What is it about skipping dinner that always makes me hungry?
:'''Frida''': You got me. Good thing there's tons of delicious food right here.
:'''Manny''': Frida, we can't eat my dad's sacred offerings that… ''[gasps]'' Is that real imitation crab? Mmm… Just a nibble.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': The gypsy lady I stole the string from guaranteed it would work!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Grandpapi''': ''¡Mi corazón!'' CLEAR!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': Say hello to my little friends.
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Sartana of the Dead? Attacking on the Day of the Dead?! Actually, that makes sense.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': ''[holding onto Manny, screaming]'' Lucky for us we're already in a coffin. ''[resumes screaming]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Ay, karate! Frida, these are my ancestors. The first Rivera supervillain, Dark Leopard. The first hero, Golden Leon. The Mighty Cheetar, scourge of the Seven Seas. And my great-Grandpapi, Justice Jaguar.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Justice Jaguar''': There is one who has the power to reach the living world, if we can get him to use it: El Tigre.
:''[Dark Leopard and Mighty Cheetar gasp]''
:'''Frida''': ''[confused]'' Wait, who the whats?
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': The original El Tigre. The first Rivera hero or villain. He never decided which.
:'''Frida''': Hey, just like you!
:'''Golden Leone''': The indecision ravaged his mind. He is now naught but a babbling fool.
:'''Frida''': Hey, just like you! 
:''[Manny frowns]''
:'''Justice Jaguar''': Riveras, time to visit, El Tigre.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Mighty El Tigre, we need your help. Can you get us to Miracle City?
:'''Original El Tigre''': Why should I? ''[looks up above at the Land of the Living, seeing White Pantera and Puma Loco in trouble]''
:'''Grandpapi/Puma Loco''': Ai-yee! That was my favorite kidney!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Do it for them… White Pantera and Puma Loco. Good or bad, they ''always'' respected your memory.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': ''All'' the Riveras back from the dead?! DESTROY THEM, MY BEAST!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': We've got one chance. We must use our ''ultimate'' weapon… the Rivera Super Macho Blitz!
:''[The Riveras gasp in shock of hearing it]''
:'''Grandpapi/Puma Loco''': But, Manny, no one has ''ever'' survived the blitz!
:'''Justice Jaguar''': I know I didn't.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': I gotta take a chance. If I don't Sartana will destroy Miracle City! The Rivera bloodline will end! Rivera men, assemble!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Original El Tigre''': You can do it, El Tigre! I believe in you! You are a '''RIVERA!!!'''
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Ancient Tiger Spirit, I SUMMON YOU!
:'''Grandpapi/Puma Loco''': ''[surprised; to Rodolfo]'' Where'd he learn that?

===''Burrito's Little Helper / Crouching Tigre Hidden Dragon (1.15)''===
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[angrily losing his temper as everyone laughs at him and rips up the moose costume]'' That is absolutely positively '''IT!!!''' I CAN'T STAND IT, ANYMORE! ''[points to Davi, furiously]'' YOU ARE THE WORST SUPERHERO OF ALL TIME! You don't ''deserve'' a sidekick!
:''[Everyone gasps in shock at Manny's insult to Davi]''
:'''Frida''': Dude!

===''The Cactus Kid / A Mother's Glove (1.16)''===
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': What are you so mad about?! You're the one who started all this!
:'''Grandpapi/Puma Loco''': I start it?! You the one don't want to do evil no more.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': So, you replaced me with some geeky wannabe supervillain kid?!
:'''Grandpapi/Puma Loco''': Bah, I just using him. That goofy ball never going to be a real villain.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cactus Kid''': Sufferin' saguaros! Now that is cactus power! ''[creates an army of cactus monsters; cackles evilly]'' So, Riveras. Who's a real supervillain now?
:'''Manny and Grandpapi''': You.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': Dude, big locked box.
:'''Manny''': '''&quot;Warning.&quot; &quot;Danger.&quot; &quot;Do not open.&quot;'''
:'''Frida''': Wow, it's like an us trap. Wait, maybe your dad planted it here.
:'''Manny''': Yeah, to test us.
:'''Frida''': I fail.
:'''Manny''': Me too.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Mom, what's going on?
:'''Maria''': There's something you don't know about me. Something shocking.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Ah, nothing shocks me.
:'''Maria''': I was once… a superhero. ''[Manny babbles in shock as his brain shatters into pieces from inside his head]'' I was on college. ''[Flashback to her college years]'' I went to this party, and someone brought some mystical objects of power, and I… tried one on. Things were crazy back then. But, it was a different time. ''[puts the glove on and turns into her superhero identity]'' I was known as, Plata Peligrosa. At first, it was fun. Saving people, thwarting evil. But then… Then… ''[starts panting and hyperventilates as flashback ends]''
:'''Frida''': Here we go. ''[takes out a paper bag, takes a bite of a sandwich and gives the paper bag to Maria]''
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Mom, this is great! We can do stuff together, use our powers for good… or evil. Whatever, I'm easy.
:'''Maria''': ''[blows the paper bag too hard, popping the bottom]'' No, Manny… never! I gave up my powers because I couldn't handle the danger. Now, lock that glove back up and let us never speak of it again!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': This is nuts! I thought you quit superheroing because you couldn't handle the danger!
:'''Maria/Plata Peligrosa''': I couldn't handle how much I ''loved'' the danger. I was afraid it would become an obsession, but now I know that I am PERFECTLY IN CONTROL! ''[cackles]''
:'''El Oso''': For a hero, she gots a good evil laugh, man.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Mom, this has to stop!
:'''Maria/Plata Peligrosa''': You've been spending too much time with that evil Grandpapi of yours. Your father would never back down from a fight with villains!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': He also wouldn't have busted them out of jail.
:'''Maria/Plata Peligrosa''': You… you're right, ''mijo.'' I've got it all wrong.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Stop hitting my mom… Mom!
:'''Maria/Plata Peligrosa''': Only a villain would help a villain like me! I will make you '''''PAY!'''''
:'''Frida''': ''[spitting out popcorn]'' She's doing what now?!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': No, Mom, you don't mean it! That's the glove talking!

===''The Good, The Bad, and The Tigre (1.17)''===
:'''Sartana''': Tomorrow, I will hold a tournament beneath the Miracle City volcano. The winner will receive my mystic guitar! My skeleton bandito army… And a three-month's subscription to &quot;Villains Quarterly!&quot;
:'''Grandpapi/Puma Loco''': Yes, yes, yes, ''magnifico!'' ''[laughs while hyperventilates]'' What? Is good magazine.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': Can you believe them?
:'''Frida''': No. And what century did movies cost a quarter?!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': Villains, you will all compete in a series of events designed by me. If you lose even once, you will be ''eliminated…'' ''[The villains all gasp in shock]'' from the tournament. ''[The villains all sigh in relief]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': Anyone who is here can compete. ''[strums her guitar, closing the entrances]'' Because no one leaves the volcano until the tournament is over. ''NO ONE!''
:'''El Mal Verde''': You will hold us prisoner?
:'''El Oso''': I didn't pack a lunch.
:'''El Tarantula''': No! I have to return these DVDs by 10:00 or I get charged for another day!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': You know what they say, the bigger they are…
:'''Frida''': The more likely they'll cause internal bleeding! I know!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': El Tigre wins! Uh, go figure. And to ensure that no one leaves, all losers will be shackled!
:'''El Mal Verde''': ''Nobody'' shackles Mal Verde!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ENOUGH! You think I'm just some kid you can boss around? ''[to his father]'' I'm not your side ''[to his Grandpapi]'' and I'm not on your side. I'm on ''my'' side. And if you don't wanna get hurt, ''[menacingly]'' stay out of my way.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': I warned you to stay out of my way… And you're like one foot off the ground.
:'''Grandpapi/Puma Loco''': Yes, well, you're still very mean.
:'''Django''': ''[claps slowly]'' See? He has chosen power over family. I told you he was a true villain.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[confused]'' Django? What?
:'''Sartana''': He is indeed worthy. El Tigre, join us. With you and Django by my side, we will rule the world!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Huh? You said you were retiring!
:'''Sartana''': Yes, but I ''FIBBED!'' ''[cackles evilly]''
:'''Comrade Chaos''': A fib?!
:'''El Oso''': It can't be!
:'''El Tarantula''': Never trust a villain.
:'''Sartana''': Your plan worked perfectly, Django.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''Your'' plan?
:'''Django''': Yes. I devised this tournament as a way to get all of grandmother's evil competition in one place and DESTROY THEM!
:'''Frida''': That is one complicated evil plan.
:'''Comrade Chaos''': He truly is an artist.
:'''El Oso''': I would applaud if he weren't destroying me.
:'''El Tarantula''': Wait, so that's ''real'' lava?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Django, I really appreciate this.
:'''Django''': The offer to join us?
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': No. You're sticking out your hand like an idiot.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': Manny, red hot lava! Getting close, but no pressure!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': ''[to Django]'' Just wait till your mother hears about this.

===''A Fistful of Nickels / Animales! (1.18)''===
:'''Rodolfo''': Manuel Pablo Gutierrez O'Brian Equihua Rivera, I am VERY disappointed in you. You have to learn to be responsible.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': How ''DARE'' you steal from me you little maggot!
:'''Frida''': He was stupid enough.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Sartana, face the power of… The Riveras! And Frida.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': ''[cackling]'' Fools! Death ''always'' wins in the end!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Dropped in the belly of the beast.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': There's only ''one'' way to escape this monster and destroy Sartana. Our ultimate weapon: the ''Caliente'' Catapult of Carnage!
:''[Frida gasps upon hearing this]''
:'''Grandpapi/Puma Loco''': No…it's too dangerous!
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': I won't risk…my only son!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Dad… I know I messed up. I sent Señor Chapi to bird heaven, and I wrecked the house… twice. But please, let me show you I can be a hero. I ''will'' make you proud.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': ''[sighs]'' What am I going to do with that boy?
:'''Grandpapi''': Don't worry, someday Manny will be a truly great villain.
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Hero, he'll be a hero!
:'''Frida''': So, what now?
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Oh, uh, maybe, uhh… Hide Sartana's loot and tell my dad it disappeared?
:'''Frida''': Dude, you are an artist.

===''Tigre + Cuervo Forever / The Thing That Ate Frida's Brain (1.19)''===
:'''Frida''': Dude, why so mopey? You're acting like they just outlawed churros. ''[gasps]'' They didn't, did they?
:'''Manny''': My dad is super mad at me. I totally been messing up with him lately.
:'''Frida''': Do tell. ''[grabs and pulls him by the shirt collar; shouting]'' I SAID TELL!
:'''Manny''': Okay, okay! Like, yesterday, me and dad were doing a little crime-fighting.
:''[Flashback to yesterday at Miguels Jewels…]''
:'''Dr. Chipotle Sr.''': ''[walking out of the vault with a handful of gold and jewels, and sees White Pantera in front of him]'' You do not have a chance. Dr Chipotle Sr's son is sneaking up behind you.
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': That's where you're wrong. Because ''my'' son has taken care of him. Right, Manny? Manny?
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[playing a video game]'' I'm on it, Dad. High Score!
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': ''[annoyed]'' Ah, I see.
:'''Manny''': And later, me and dad caught El Oso robbing a factory… an underpants factory.
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': El Oso, drop those drawers! ''[Manny bursts out with uncontrollable laughter; confused]'' What? What's so funny? ''[El Oso rises up from behind him and gives him a wedgie]''
:''[Flashback ends]''
:'''Manny''': You try to keep a straight face in a room full of pink thongs.
:'''Frida''': Dude, preaching to the choir.
:'''Manny''': How am I gonna make it up to him?
:'''Frida''': You could clean your room. ''[Manny annoyingly looks at her]'' Sorry, talking crazy.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Just heading out to check with my &quot;anonymous source.&quot; Who might have information that could help you prevent crimes.
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': ''[agitated]'' Manny… I can't even ''LOOK'' at you right now. Seriously, it pulls my hair.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Voltura''': Make yourself at home, El Tigre.
:'''Lady Gobbler''': Yes. It's so nice to have you ''here.''
:'''Black Cuervo''': Wow. They ''totally'' hate you. Don't eat anything.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Black Cuervo''': I thought you liked me, but you were just ''USING'' ME!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[whispering a little quicker]'' Cuervo, you're totally right. I'm sorry I treated you so lousy, but I'm going to make it up to you.
:'''Black Cuervo''': ''[scoffs]'' How?
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': This fight. I'm gonna let ''you'' win.
:'''Black Cuervo''': ''[angered shock]'' LET ME WIN?!
:'''Frida''': Ooh, bad call.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': I'll yank that puppy off you with a little… ''[changes into El Tigre]'' Tigre power!
:'''Frida''': Zombie not bad, Manny. Frida ''like'' zombie.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': You may feel a pinch.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''General Chapuza''': So, zombies cannot dance, eh? Now, El Tigre. We will show you the error of your ways.

===''Stinking Badges / Mech Daddy (1.20)''===
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Check out what's at the museum… The Golden Mustache of the Pharaohs. The Mustache Mafia are totally gonna… ''[notices Frida looking gloomy with guilt]'' Hey, what's wrong?
:'''Frida''': Nothing. It's just… lying to my dad like this…
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Oh, you feeling a little guilty?
:'''Frida''': No, of course not. Guilty, me? ''[laughs]'' I laugh. Guilt slides off me like water off a duck's back. A filthy, stinking, no-good Duck who lies to her dad.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Wait a minute!
:'''Emiliano''': You stay out of this, Rivera! She lied to me.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Yeah, she lied… but only 'cause she wanted to be a good cadet so you'd like her more.
:'''Emiliano''': What?! How could I like her more?! I ''love'' my Frida. She is… my Frida.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Adios, Giant Robot Sanchez!

===''The Return of Plata Peligrosa / Chupacabros! (1.21)''===
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Doesn't your mother look pretty?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Mom, are you okay? ''[points to the glove]'' Get your hand off my mom!
:'''Maria''': Manny, it's not what you think.
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Maria, you said the glove was destroyed in the jaws of the Robasura.
:'''Maria''': I thought it was. ''[Flashback to El Tigre's last battle with the glove]'' But a few days later, it showed up on my doorstep, hurt and scared. I just couldn't turn it away. As I nursed it back health, I realized the glove was good inside. Tests in my home lab showed that if I wore the glove for only ''one'' hour at a time, I could control the danger mania. Even a few seconds more, and I become…unstable. So, the glove and I made a deal. ''[Flashback ends]'' I will use my Plata Peligrosa powers to help those in need but when my watch alarm sounds, it ''must'' get off my hand. Right, &quot;Glovey?&quot;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': That's great, Mom.
:'''Frida''': You have a home lab?
:'''Maria''': Now, I can help my boys out in a crisis.
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': ''[dreamily]'' You called me handsome.
:'''Maria''': Rodolfo, don't listen to what I say when I'm wearing the glove. I'm not myself. ''[Rodolfo puckers up his lips to kiss her; puts her hand on his mouth]'' You and I always be just friends.
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Of course. I understand completely. ''[Maria walks off]'' She called me handsome!
:'''Frida''': Wow, your mom and dad, a crime-fighting team. Maybe they'll get back together. ''[imitates kissing while rubbing Señor Chapi's head]'' Oh, Rodolfo, you're so handsome.
:'''Señor Chapi''': ''[touched while blushing]'' Ah, ''viva pantalones.''
:'''Manny''': Cut it out, Frida. We both know my parents are better off apart.
:'''Frida''': Yeah, but does your dad know?
:'''Manny''': Sure he does. Probably. Down deep. Anyway, as long as he keeps his mind off beautifying the city.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo''': Maria, we have been seeing a lot of each other lately, and… No, that's not right. ''[clears throat]'' ''Mi vida,'' I, that is, um… I need to ask you, will you have coffee with me?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': Can I get anybody anything? Soft drink? Cheese toast?
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[offering her the alarm watch]'' Hide this.
:'''Frida''': But without the alarm, your mom's gonna go all danger-crazy.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Exactly.
:''[Frida hides the alarm watch in her goggles]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': You know what's funny? If not for this inexplicable string of crimes and disasters, I would have been beautifying the city with Manny and Frida instead of… Giving them lots of money?
:''[Money flies out of Frida's goggles]''
:'''Frida''': How you doing?

===''Love and War / Wrong and Dance (1.22)''===
:'''Sergio''': What's he say?
:'''Diego''': I don't know. But it's obvious that Frida…likes Manny.
:'''Both''': ''[enraged with a background of fire]'' '''I MUST CRUSH HIM!!!'''
:'''Diego''': I will dispose of Manny and make it look like an accident.
:'''Sergio''': And once he's gone, I will make Frida mine. I will sweep her feet off…
:'''Diego''': No, I will.
:'''Sergio''': No, me.
:'''Diego''': Me!
:'''Sergio''': Me!
:'''Diego''': Me, me, ME!
:'''Sergio''': Me, me, ME!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': This is my chance to show those girls how macho I am for real! ''[Makes a girly face and claps]'' Yay!
:'''Frida''': Yeah…he's gonna need a macho coach.

===''Oso Solo Mio / Silver Wolf (1.23)''===
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Frida! Missed you at the concert tonight.
:'''Frida''': Oh, was that tonight?
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Guess you couldn't make it 'cause you were too busy STABBING ME IN THE BACK!
:'''Frida''': I didn't stab you anywhere.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': How could you?! You haven't seen me all week!
:'''Frida''': Sure, I have.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Oh yeah? What did I bring to school for lunch yesterday?
:'''Frida''': FOOD!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Lucky guess.
:'''Frida''': You're just mad because for once, ''I'm'' not your sidekick.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[angrily gets in her face]'' Yeah. You're ''his'' sidekick!
:'''Frida''': Nuh-uh, I'm not his, &quot;front-kick!&quot;
:'''Silver Wolf''': Get out of her face.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Make me, tin puppy!
:'''Silver Wolf''': Make me make you.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Make me make you make me!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Silver Wolf''': Here… ''[hands Frida his whip]'' ''Finish'' him.
:'''Frida''': ''[incredulous]'' What?
:'''Silver Wolf''': It's time for you to choose, Frida… El Tigre or me?
:'''Frida''': ''[nonchalantly]'' El Tigre. ''[takes off her biker helmet]''
:'''Silver Wolf''': Yes, though it may be agonizing you must decide between… what?
:'''Frida''': El Tigre, duh, no brainer.
:'''Silver Wolf''': You can't ''DO'' that!
:'''Frida''': Can, did.

===''The Cuervo Project / The Golden Eagle Twins (1.24)''===
:'''Zoe''': ''[to Manny, sweetly]'' Hello, Manny. ''[to Frida, annoyingly]'' Hello, Frida.
:''[Frida growls angrily]''
:'''Manny''': Come on, Frida. Zoe isn't that bad.
:'''Frida''': No? What about the time she sawed through the legs of my stool chair?
:'''Manny''': When was that?
:'''Frida''': Now. ''[falls on the ground, revealing Zoe already did it as she snickers]''
:'''Manny''': Uh, maybe she's changed since then?
:'''Frida''': I will make Zoe Aves suffer! I will humiliate her! I WILL HAVE '''''REVENGE!''''' And by &quot;I&quot;, I mean, &quot;we.&quot;
:'''Manny''': Sure, what are friends for?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': ''[annoyingly suspicious]'' Are you talking to your wrist?
:'''Zoe''': No… yes. Uh, I have to go, uh, somewhere, for… a reason. ''[zips away]''
:'''Frida''': She's hiding something.
:'''Manny''': Why? There's nothing wrong with talking to your wrist.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Black Cuervo''': Zoe Aves is NOTHING to me. Watch as I drop her into her ''OWN'' volcano!
:'''Frida''': Dude, I don't like it either, but that is harsh.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': ''[hanging on while screaming]'' Hey, I can see my house from here. ''[resumes screaming]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': The whole city still loves the twins, and I get blamed for everything.

===''Dia de los Padres / Mustache Love (1.25)''===
:'''Manny''': Only one sack of glitter left!
:''[Manny and Dr. Chipotle Jr. grab the glitter sack at the same time and fight over it]''
:'''Dr. Chipotle Jr.''': SWINE! Get your hands off my glitter!
:'''Manny''': It's mine!
:'''Dr. Chipotle Jr.''': Mine!
:'''Manny''': Mine!
:'''Dr. Chipotle Jr.''': Mine!
:'''Manny''': ''MINE!''
:''[They rip the sack off on opposite sides, causing glitter to sprinkle]''
:'''Dr. Chipotle Jr.''': YOU WILL PAY FOR… ''[sighs with depression]'' What's the point? May last hope for Father's Day is gone. And my father is already in a rotten mood. Because he keeps getting defeated by ''YOUR'' FATHER!
:'''Manny''': Yeah, my dad's in a lousy mood too.
:'''Dr. Chipotle Jr.''': ''[romantically to Frida]'' Why, Miss Suarez. I must say you are looking lovely today.
:'''Manny''': Oh, now I won't even have a lame present for my dad.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dr. Chipotle Sr. Sr.''': Do I blast the furry one or the one that looks like me?
:'''Dr. Chipotle Sr.''': ''[points to El Tigre]'' The furry one!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': Three, two, one. ''[Manny and Sophia scream in pain after Raul and Browsia detach themselves off their faces and fly away]'' I love weddings.

===''Back to Escuela / No Boots, No Belt, No Brero (1.26)''===
:'''Grandpapi''': The Golden Grasshopper of Guadalupe. The Bronze Bee of Baja. The Dryer-lint Dragonfly of Durango. All I need to complete collection is… The cursed Silver Scorpion of Sonora. And the best part is… the scorpion is on display at Manny's school tomorrow!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': ''[upset and heartbroken]'' Grandpapi? You… You ''lied'' to me? You didn't come to school to help me. You were after the scorpion all along.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Grandpapi''': Curse is on ''YOU,'' Señor Poker!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[last and final lines of the series]''
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Very good.
:'''Grandpapi/Puma Loco''': Well rockin'!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Now ''that'' was family fun!
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Yes, ''mijo.''
:'''Frida''': ''[lands in Manny's hands]'' Kiss me, you fool! ''[kisses Manny in the lips]''
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Familia forever!

==Cast==
* Manny Rivera/El Tigre ({{w|Alanna Ubach}})
* Frida Suárez ({{w|Grey DeLisle}})
* Rodolfo Rivera/White Pantera ({{w|Eric Bauza}})
* Grandpapi/Puma Loco ({{w|Carlos Alazraqui}})
* Maria Rivera/Plata Peligrosa ({{w|April Stewart}})

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
{{DEFAULTSORT:Tigre, El}}
[[Category:2000s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s Nickelodeon original series]]
[[Category:Flash animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated action TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated drama TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated superhero TV shows]]
[[Category:Teen superhero TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Nicktoons]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about teenagers]]
[[Category:TV shows about tigers]]</text>
      <sha1>b2wb87g2rds8ribd0la3jzxf7il8nl3</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153646</id>
      <parentid>3153645</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T19:57:34Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>162.197.99.132</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* The Grave Escape (1.14) */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="57980" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''{{w|El Tigre: The Adventures of Manny Rivera}}''''' is an American animated television series created by {{w|Jorge R. Gutierrez}} and {{w|Sandra Equihua}} for {{w|Nickelodeon}}.

==Episodes==
===''Sole of a Hero / Night of the Living Guacamole (1.01)''===
:''[First scene of the series; Rodolfo returns home, finding Manny and Frida laying in the living room, both looking bored]''
:'''Rodolfo''': Manny, I'm home. How are you kids doing?
:'''Manny and Frida''': Bored.
:'''Frida''': There's nothing fun to do.
:'''Rodolfo''': Fun is what you make of it. For instance, today I battled giant squid creatures trying to steal the Jeweled Mule of Maya. Fun. The leader escaped with the mule, but I will find him. This I swear!
:'''Frida''': I thought you quit superheroing.
:'''Rodolfo''': Technically, I'm retired. But as long as there is evil, and I am young and vital enough to oppose it, I will.
:'''Manny''': You're super macho.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': You were right. Watching you dad sleep ''is'' less boring than TV.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo''': Manny, what are you up to?
:'''Manny''': Oh, nothing. Helping the poor. ''[dashes away to his room]''
:'''Rodolfo''': Ah, the poor. Very good.
:'''Manny''': ''[sitting under his bed sheets, turns on his flashlight, looking through a magazine]'' Oh, man, this so good.
:'''Rodolfo''': ''[bursting in]'' MANNY! ''[Manny screams]'' I just spoke to the poor, and you have ''not'' been helping them.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': He saved us all from the evil guacamole!
:'''Rodolfo''': Thank you, Man- wait, what evil guacamole?
:'''Frida''': Duh. The free stuff we got from that creepy old lady so Manny could use your money to buy the tattoo maker. ''[realizing what she said]'' Dang.
:'''Rodolfo''': Manuel Pablo Gutierrez O'Brian Equihua Rivera, what is going on here?!
:'''Frida''': We can explain everything. See, there were these aliens, and then they grabbed my face…
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[sighs with guilt]'' No, Frida, it's time to tell the truth. ''[45 minutes later…]'' And worst of all, I made you guys miss the big game.
:'''Rodolfo''': So, you stole money from me and you lied. But, you also risked your life to save us and then told the truth. ''[thinks for a second]'' Let's see, what would be an appropriate punishment?

===''Enter the Cuervo / Fistful of Collars (1.02)''===
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[whispering from outside]'' Frida!
:'''Frida''': ''[wakes up and gets up from her bed to the window; whispering]'' Where have you been?!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': I'm only six hours late.
:'''Frida''': You're ''two days'' and six hours late! The party is tomorrow. Now, GO HOME! ''[turns off the light and goes back to sleep]''
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Frida? Frida? ''[screams]'' FRIDA!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': Uh, Frida? I brought you the piñata.
:'''Frida''': You did? Oh, Manny, I  I knew… ''[shocked to see Manny's poorly made piñata]'' ''This'' is my awesome birthday piñata?
:'''Manny''': Ye…abe?
:''[Piñata rips revealing what was inside]''
:'''Frida''': Pretzels and a dirty sock?!
:'''Manny''': It still needs some fine-tuning.
:'''Frida''': Where have you been the last two days?! What kind of piñata is this?! WHAT'S THE SQUARE ROOT OF NINE?!
:'''Manny''': Square root?
:'''Frida''': I need help with my math homework, which you would know if you were any kind of friend!
:'''Manny''': If ''you'' were any kind of friend, you'd know… ''[takes off his eye patch and throws it on the ground]'' I STINK AT MATH!
:'''Frida''': You just plain STINK!
:'''Manny''': Hey, if you're such a great friend, why'd I make you such a lousy piñata?!
:'''Frida''': Well, since you're ''no'' kind of friend, you… you're… UNINVITED to my party!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': No one can help you now, chica!
:'''Black Cuervo''': Think again, ''hero!'' ''[opens a slot on her wrist brace with a red button inside and pushes it; sound effect of a bird's cry echoes, Lady Gobbler and Voltura fly into sight, landing on both sides of her; They grab both her hands and fly off]'' Party while you can, El Tigre! I shall have my revenge on you! VENDETTA!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': ''[searching through the garbage can]'' Oooh! A broken yo-yo! Buffalo jerky! ''[gasps]'' And two doorknobs.
:'''Frida''': Behold! Perfectly good roller skates made from household garbage.
:'''Manny''': It's like my dad says, &quot;You don't need money to have fun.&quot;
:'''Frida''': I even made a safety gear.
:'''Manny''': Now all we need is another pair of skates.
:'''Frida''': Pssh. We don't need anything!
:'''Manny''': This is gonna be awesome if we survive.
:''[Camera zooms out revealing the two on top of a hill through the window of a plane]''
:'''Pilot''': And on the right of the plane, you can see Manny and Frida about to do something stupid.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': So, all that work really paid off.
:'''Frida''': Your dad was totally wrong. You ''do'' need money to have fun. Luxeblades, reverse somersault!
:'''Manny''': Luxeblades, give a beat, low rider style.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': I think we did the right thing. Like my dad says, &quot;You don't need money to have fun.&quot;
:'''Frida''': ''[takes out the household garbage-made roller skates she kept]'' And check it out, I still have these.
:'''Manny''': This is gonna be awesome if we survive!

===''Fool's Goal / El Tigre El Jefe (1.03)''===
:'''Grandpapi''': ''[sighs]'' What has become of my Matadors? When I played, we beat ''every'' team in the league.
:'''General Chapuza''': ''[laughs]'' Not every team.
:'''Grandpapi''': Aye! General Chapuza, you old nemesis, you.
:'''General Chapuza''': Your Miracle City matadors have never beaten my Calavera zombies. And this year will be ''no'' different. Especially with me coaching a team led by my grandson, Che.
:'''Che''': Grandfather, when may I torment and destroy the Matadors?
:'''General Chapuza''': ''[patting his grandson's head]'' Soon, my grandson, soon.
:'''Grandpapi''': This year, the Matadors will ''defeat'' the zombies! THIS I SWEAR!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Grandpapi''': Back in my day, Miracle City won ''every'' trophy imaginable. Except for the League Championship.
:'''Frida''': And we're not gonna win it this year with no-cheaty-petey coaching us.
:'''Grandpapi''': Then I will not have my revenge on General Chapuza. Oh, well. Nothing we can ado about it, ''sí?''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': I couldn't do it. As much as I wanted that trophy, honor was more important.
:'''Rodolfo''': Yes, ''mijo.'' And someday, people will respect you from this decision. But for now… ''[dashes away]'' '''RUN!!!'''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': I am here to help. I am here to help.
:'''Frida''': Dude, that's starting to creep me out.
:'''Mrs. Lupita''': Aaron, you haven't done your homework in weeks. This is it. Turn in your assignment tomorrow, or you will be '''''EXPELLED!'''''
:'''Aaron''': No more school? Wow, thanks.
:'''Mrs. Lupita''': Young man, you need ''help.''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mrs. Lupita''': Class, not only did Aaron ''do'' his homework, ''[chuckles]'' he got a perfect score on today's pop quiz! ''[places a gold star on Aaron's forehead]''
:'''Aaron''': This one's for you, Manny! Thanks for helping.
:''[The class cheers for Manny]''
:'''Frida''': You did a good thing, dude. ''[gives Manny a thumbs up]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sergio''': Somebody should really do something about that guy, huh?
:'''Frida''': Yeah. Somebody ''should.'' ''[gathers everybody in a janitor's closet]'' People, I want Help-zilla out, and the old Manny back. And Sergio here has an idea how we can do it.
:'''Sergio''': ''[stepping into the light]'' I believe I know someone who can help. Someone who can…''show'' El Tigre the error of his ways.
:'''Frida''': Like a counselor, right?
:'''Sergio''': ''[laughs]'' Yes. A counselor. ''[starts laughing maniacally]'' Uh, I, uh, I just remembered a joke.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[impressed by the carving statue of himself]'' Man, I look good.
:'''Boy''': You look like a BULLY!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[turns around, seeing Frida and everybody staring angrily at him]'' Frida? What is this?
:'''Frida''': Manny, there's someone I want you to talk to. Where's Sergio's friend?
:'''Señor Sinestro''': ''[drops down in front]'' Here!
:'''Frida''': Ooh, this ''may'' have been a mistake.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': Pst.
:'''Manny''': You would say that.
:'''Frida''': I swear I didn't mean for this to happen, Manny. You've gotta help us.
:'''Manny''': I ''was'' helping. How could you do this to me? Don't you know you can't force people to change?
:'''Frida''': Yeah, I know that. Do you?
:'''Manny''': Of course, I- ''[realizes]'' Oh… This, this is all my fault.

===''Zebra Donkey / Adios Amigos (1.04)''===
:''[Rivera house; Manny and Frida stand in front of Zebra Donkey's grave after his death of being poisoned by bananas]''
:'''Manny''': ''[places a flower on Zebra Donkey's grave; breaking down sadly]'' It is as if, I have lost a brother. A striped, long-eared brother. And it's all my fault!
:'''Frida''': Um, Manny? The Zebra Donkey fiesta spectacular is tomorrow.
:'''Manny''': ''[shouting]'' THIS IS NO TIME TO TALK ABOUT PARTIES! ''[calms down]'' I'm sorry, I just need some time to grieve.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': You sure about this?
:'''Manny''': I gotta get Zebra Donkey back! He's my best… ''[realizes]'' my second best friend.
:'''Frida''': Nice say, dude.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': Thieves!
:'''Frida''': ''[through gritted teeth]'' ''Never'' say, &quot;What could go wrong?&quot;
:'''Sartana''': Steal from me ''and'' give me a bad makeover?! You will PAY!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': Manny, you've gotta smash Sartana's guitar. It'll make her crumble to dust, ''and'' her banditos!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': And Zebra Donkey.
:'''Frida''': Oh, yeah.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': I can't lose him again! I just can't! There has to be another way!
:'''Frida''': Hypnosis. Time machine. Pixie dust.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Zebra Donkey sacrificed himself…
:'''Frida''': To save us all.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo''': ''[clears throat]'' When your mother and I got married, I had less time with the Titan. Then we had you, and the decision was clear. My family was more important to me than my partnership with the Titan. So we went our separate ways.
:'''Manny''': What happened to him?
:'''Rodolfo''': He couldn't make it as a solo superhero. Eventually, he left town, and turned to a life of crime. And he blamed ''you'' for his misfortunes.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': ''[making a rice-shaped sculpture of Frida's head during lunch]'' What's that you say, Rice Frida? You miss me? I miss you, too.

===''The Mother of All Tigres / Old Money (1.05)''===
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Now, Manny, we have work to do. The divine angel who is your mother is coming to visit! And we must…clean up this mess, at once!
:'''El Oso''': Why, man?
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Oh, you gotta hear this story! ''[Flashback begins with his parents walking through the park with him as a baby in a baby carriage]'' When my folks first got married, Mom used to think Dad being White Pantera was cool. Then, one day…
:'''Rodolfo''': ''[changes into his White Pantera persona and runs over to stop El Mal Verde]'' Halt, fiend! So says, White- ''[gets smashed repeatedly by El Mal Verde's metal club; El Mal Verde laughs and walks away; holds up a thumbs up, bruised and beaten as Maria runs over to him, carrying baby Manny]''
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': It was the first time she saw my dad get hurt, and she totally lost it.
:''[Maria starts hyperventilating]''
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Maria didn't want me to be a superhero anymore. She couldn't stand to see me in danger. But I could not ignore the crisp, clean refreshing call of crime fighting! It was in my blood! ''[Maria watches her husband getting beaten by the giant creatures, starts hyperventilating, pulls her hair, and screams]'' In the end, she could not stand it anymore. ''[next scene shows Maria packing up her stuff as he starts tearing up]'' She had to… ''[sobs]'' ''leave'' me! 
:'''Maria''': ''[gives Manny a sweet kiss and stands outside the front door as Rodolfo looks on with sadness]'' I'm sorry, but I married the man, not the mask.
:''[The door closes in front of her and Granpapi enters a split second later]''
:'''Grandpapi''': I moved in to make sure Rodolfo and Manny would be okay. Also because I crashed my evil headquarters of evil. Maria's career as a mariachi singer took off after that. She traveled the world, performing for adoring fans everywhere, even Luxembourg! Manny goes to visit her every month.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': I got my El Tigre belt after Mom went on tour. ''[spins his belt buckle and changes into El Tigre; flashback ends]'' And I, uh…haven't had a chance to tell her about it yet.
:'''Frida''': Dude, she is gonna freak when she finds out!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': I know. So that's why we gotta clean. If my mom sees all this wreckage, she'll know we've been doing superhero stuff, and she'll freak out.
:'''El Oso''': ''[agitated]'' I just asked why you gotta hide stuff! You don't gotta tell me your whole story, man!
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Hurry! Maria will be here tomorrow! And I will once again behold a sweet goddess without whom my life has become a pit of misery. And who I never think about anymore.
:'''Grandpapi''': Didn't I tell you? Maria called to say she's coming early. She should be here in about, eh… no minutes.
:''[The doorbell rings and Rodolfo freezes in fear]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Leone Middle School; Manny and Frida are in Vice Principal Chakal's office, covered in green slime]'' 
:'''Vice Principal Chakal''': Do you have any idea how many detentions you have?
:'''Manny''': Uh, 10?
:'''Vice Principal Chakal''': 136! Since there ''aren't'' enough days left in the year to ''serve'' all these, you must either work them off by doing community service, or… SPEND TWO MONTHS IN OUR SUMMER DETENTION CAMP IN THE NONAGUA DESERT!
:'''Frida''': Community service doesn't sound so bad.
:'''Vice Principal Chakal''': Oh, it won't be so bad. It will be…''SO BAD!'' Your options are… clean up after frog dissections, shovel cafeteria gristle, de-clog toilets, or…leave school early to volunteer at an old folk's home!
:'''Manny and Frida''': ''[sobbing]'' NO!
:'''Manny''': I'm sorry. Did you say leave school early?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[After Manny and Frida load Sartana's loot into El Tarantula's loot cart and blast a hole open with Mano Negra's Glove of Doom, they soon realize they're not even moving]''
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Uh, why aren't we moving?
:''[They turn around and see Sartana holding onto the attached jet pack on the cart]''
:'''Sartana''': Fools! ''[cackles]'' ''No one'' steals from Sartana of the Dead!
:''[Manny and Frida scream in terror and Sartana strums her mystic guitar, opening the cell doors for her skeleton banditos to attack]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': I love those guys.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[picking the cell lock]'' They lied to us so we'd rob Sartana for them.
:'''Frida''': ''[in the same happy tone as before]'' I hate those guys.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': You're like a pathetic piñata! Let's see if you're full of candy!

===''The Late Manny Rivera / Party Monsters (1.06)''===
:'''Emiliano''': It must be the boy's fault!
:'''Rodolfo''': Clearly, it is Frida's fault. She is a trouble making, goggle-wearer!
:''[As the parents argue over whose fault it is, Manny and Frida get up from their seats and start to walk away]''
:'''Manny''': Well, it looks like you guys…
:'''Parents''': Sit down!
:''[Manny and Frida quickly sit back in their seats]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo''': Manuel Pablo Gutierrez O'Brian Equihua Rivera, if you get expelled, we are going to send you to a charm school.
:'''Maria''': In Switzerland.
:''[Manny opens his mouth to scream, but is confused to see his grandpapi doing it]''
:'''Grandpapi''': '''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!''' No grandson of mine is going to a charm school! ''Or'' to Switzerland! It is.... unnatural.
:'''Rodolfo''': Nonsense! It will be good for Manny. They will teach him punctuality, etiquette, and how to knit cute little tea cozies.
:'''Manny and Grandpapi''': '''''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Maria''': I'm sorry, mijo, but you have to take responsibility for your actions. Make us proud.
:''[Manny walks remorsefully into his bedroom a little later and closes the door behind him]''
:'''Frida''': ''[kicks Manny's bedroom door down]'' If I get expelled, my parents are gonna send me to military school! Can you think of anything worse?
:'''Manny''': Charm school.
:'''Frida''': This is serious, dude. If we get sent to different schools, we'll never see each other again. We ''cannot'' be late tomorrow.
:'''Manny''': Right. We got work to do.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Vice Principal Chakal''': I was finally going to be rid of him!
:'''Sergio''': I was finally going to be rid of him!
:'''Vice Principal Chakal''': ''[enraged at Sergio]'' YOU'RE LATE! ''500'' DETENTIONS!!
:''[Sergio reacts with horror and dismay]''
:'''Frida''': Everything worked out great, Manny. There's just ''one'' problem.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': My shattered spine?
:'''Frida''': We gotta keep getting here on time every day for the rest of the year.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': Banned from the video arcade?!
:'''Frida''': We were just cooling the place off for him. Is that gratitude?
:'''Manny''': Aw, man. It's like a million degrees out and we got nothing to do now. Except, well, you know.
:'''Frida''': Watch pigeons explode from the heat? ''[A pigeon explodes off-screen]'' Yeah, I just hope I don't get a beak stuck in my hair this time.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Thought you could use a trim.

===''The Mustache Kid / Puma Licito (1.07)''===
:'''Manny''': You sure about this?
:'''Frida''': Yeah. Mucho-grow plant food. The bottle says it'll make anything grow.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': Well, you do look older. ''[Manny looks at her, angrily; shrugs nervously]'' Gehhh…
:'''Manny''': I would give anything for a mustache! '''''ANYTHING!!!''''' ''[echoes]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': You know, Frida, I really learned… ''[screams loudly in pain]'' EE-YOOOOW!!!! ''[falls on his back]''
:'''Frida''': Well said, dude. Well said.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo''': We need to discuss the possibility of… Grandpapi moving out of the house.
:'''Manny''': ''[hearing his parents' conversation through the walls]'' No! He ''can't'' leave! Grandpapi isn't a bad influence on me.
:'''Frida''': How'd you learn to eavesdrop like this?
:'''Manny''': Grandpapi taught me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo''': ''[takes a sip of coffee]'' Papi.
:'''Grandpapi''': ''[takes sip of coffee]'' Rodolfo.
:'''Rodolfo''': ''[takes sip of coffee]'' Papi.
:'''Grandpapi''': ''[takes sip of coffee]'' Rodolfo.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Grandpapi''': How could a newspaper bring such lies?! I will make them pay '''''DEARLY!'''''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Grandpapi''': The ''policia'' love me? What have I done? WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?

===''Miracle City Worker / Dia de los Malos (1.08)''===
:'''Maria''': Manny, I have a surprise for you.
:'''Manny''': You mean we didn't come to the Miracle City Mint just to watch the criminals drool?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Manny and Maria have lunch together at Burritos Explosivos]''
:'''Manny''': Thanks, Mom. Burritos Explosivos is my favorite!
:'''Maria''': ''[sees a bull's head on the wall]'' Oh, ''mijo,'' look. Remember when you were younger and that bull used to freak you out?
:'''Manny''': Mom, I was a little kid, then.
:''[An explosion blows the bull's head in Manny's lap, causing him to scream terrifyingly]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': I can't believe it. They turned down every chance to steal, pillage, and punch me in the face. Maybe they really ''do'' want to change.
:'''Frida''': Yeah. Hey, how about I heat some churros. That'll cheer you up.
:'''Manny''': No, Frida. I wanna watch my mother change people for the good.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': The churros. ''[cries]'' The churros! TAKE ME INSTEAD!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dr. Chipotle Sr.''': Dr Chipotle Sr. is going to be sick. ''[Frida stuffs a churro in his mouth to shut him up, causing him to have an allergic reaction]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Newscaster''': Breaking News: We interrupt the Celebration of Heroes to take you to the Celebration of Heroes. Sartana of the Dead is attacking the convention center.
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Forget it, Sartana. You'll never get in!
:'''Sartana''': I don't have to. Because ''you'll'' never get out! ''[cackles as she strums her mystic guitar, creating an unbreakable force field around the convention center, trapping everyone]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': Soon, Quetzalcoatl's Stone will be mine! Combined with my mystic guitar, '''I WILL RULE THE WORLD!''' ''[she and her ''banditos'' enter the Hall of Gems]'' At last, I will have the power I need to… ''[gasps as she finds the stone being replaced by a rubber duck]''
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': This what you're looking for?
:'''Sartana''': Impudent boy, that stone is mine! ''Banditos,'' END THEM!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': Fool! Did you really think I would give you my mystic guitar? Listen well to the music of your DOOM! ''[strums a broomstick]''
:'''Frida''': You gotta keep an eye on your stuff when there's no cops around.

===''Yellow Pantera / Rising Son (1.09)''===
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': It's not nice to spit lies about my father!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': Those jerks insulted the Rivera family name! They made up some crazy story about dad running away from a guy called El Mal Verde.
:'''Maria''': ''[gasps in horrified shock]'' El Mal Verde.
:'''Frida''': Who is this guy? He sounds like bad salsa.
:'''Maria''': El Mal Verde is the biggest, meanest, most vicious ''bandito'' of all time! Every 10 years, he comes down from the peak of Mount ''Tortura'' and attacks Miracle City. Once, some superheroes went to stop him, but they… ''[starts to hyperventilate]'' Then your father, he went up, too, and…
:'''Manny''': And? AND?!
:'''Maria''': ''[gasping and panting]'' And…you should talk to him about it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Manny angrily kicks the library doors opened and enters]''
:'''Maria''': Oh. You spoke to your father?
:'''Manny''': Huh, you mean the coward?!
:'''Maria''': ''[having to hear that; sharped]'' Manny!
:'''Frida''': Harsh.
:'''Manny''': It's true! He ran from a fight! He tarnished our family name, Mom!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': There's only ''one'' way I can save the Rivera name from disgrace. ''[walks towards the window]'' I must defeat El Mal Verde ''myself!''
:'''Maria''': You will do no such thing!
:'''Frida''': That dude is ''way'' dangerous!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': It's been 10 years. So El Mal Verde's due to attack Miracle City again. And if the coward that is my father won't stop him, it's up to me. ''[heads over to El Mal Verde's mountain peak]''
:'''Maria''': Manny, come back!
:'''Frida''': Want me to stay behind and protect your mom, OK.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[climbing up to the top of El Mal Verde's mountain peak]'' Why'd they have to put the mountain's peak all the way at the top?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''Capitán Águila's'' Helmet of Power, ''Loba Roja's'' heat ray, dude needs to floss.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[finds his dad's wallet and knows the truth]'' Dad didn't run away 'cause he was scared to fight. He ran away 'cause he was scared of leaving me and mom alone! Papa! I'm sorry! I know you're no coward. You can beat him! I believe in you, Dad!

===''Curse of the Ablino Burrito / La Tigresa (1.10)''===
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': The little donkey boy is trying to stop the giant robot? ''[Manny and Frida nod yes]'' Then he's our only hope. Go, little donkey boy. GO!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Davi, you can maybe do it!
:'''Frida''': All right, Davi! Hit… anything!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': ''[after Frida throws a potato at her in the face]'' A potato? That's the best you can do?
:'''Frida''': Um…yes?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': ''[snatches the magazine out of Frida's hands]'' La Tigresa? Claws, a tail, and a belt? She's totally copying my whole…me! ''[rips up the magazine]'' What kind of low-down, bottom feeder steals a guy's GUY?!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': I've been needing a new guitar strap for a long time now. So, this must be the tenth time I've captured you this month.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': ''[looks down at his waist, seeing his belt is gone; gasps]'' My belt! Wha…? ''[compares the newspaper of Frida's bear incident and the magazine of her as La Tigresa]'' Frida's La Tigresa! Man, the blue hair totally should've tipped me off.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': ''[whispering]'' Can't believe you stole my belt.
:'''Frida''': Manny! How'd you know where I'd be?
:'''Manny''': Are you kidding?! You spend more time here than Sartana does.
:'''Frida''': ''[upset]'' I'm sorry I took your belt, Manny. I wanted to feel powerful, just for once.
:'''Manny''': Then how come you took it for ''twice?''
:'''Frida''': Why are you whispering anyway?
:'''Manny''': So Sartana doesn't hear… ''[gets caught by Sartana and yelps]''
:'''Frida''': MANNY!
:'''Sartana''': Ah, the one true Tigre. You will make a fine skeleton bandito. Once I strip off all your bothersome ''flesh!'' ''[sharpens her razor-sharped claws as Frida frees herself from her cell]'' Now you know how it feels to be powerless, eh?

===''The Ballad of Frida Suarez / Fool Speed Ahead (1.11)''===
:'''Manny''': Want to go to the arcade?
:'''Frida''': Five minutes, tops. ''[transits to Mayan Arcade, nighttime]'' Well, time to go home and write that masterpiece. ''[notices the sky]'' Why is the sky so dark?
:'''Manny''': We were in there for five hours.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': Dude, awesome…underpants.
:'''Manny''': Listen to me. No one must ever know of this, NO ONE!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Frida''': Feel the sting of Sartana's strings. ♫ She tossed El Tigre like a salad / Sartana of the Dead / Listen to my Sartana ballad / Listen to me shred! / She smashed him, and flashed him, and blasted his hair! / She flipped him, and stripped him to his underwear! / ZEBRA DONKEY UNDERWEAR! / Sartana crushed El Tigre like a worm! ♫

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': My dreams are finally coming true! Except for the one where my mom is a giant snail, only she's really a post office.
:'''Manny''': Yeah, that's really, uh, good. Hey, do you think maybe people are getting sick of hearing that same song?
:'''Frida''': ''[gasps]'' What are you trying to do, jinx me?! We're going on ''&quot;Caliente o Basura&quot;'' today, the whole city will be watching!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Manny''': Tough audience, huh?
:'''Frida''': ''[viciously enraged]'' You JINXED ME!
:'''Manny''': What?! You totally trashed me and I ''still'' had your back!
:'''Frida''': Hey, I put your name in an awesome hit song! And what do you do? You jinx me with your jinxy-winxy-backstabbing JINX!
:'''Manny''': Uh-huh. Call me when you remember how to be a friend again.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''C.C. Puede''': We're live from the prison graveyard for the Atomic Sombreros &quot;Back from ''La Muerte''&quot; show! Sartana may be evil incarnate, but she has put together kickin' concert!
:'''Manny''': My worst nightmare is on TV. And it pre-empted wrestling!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': Manny, I'm sorry.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': For being a selfish jerk who cared more about being a rock star than she did about her best friend?!
:'''Frida''': Well, yeah. And for this. ''[kicks the &quot;I&quot; off, letting Manny fall while he screams]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Frida's goggles! NOOOOOOOOO! ''[Frida falls on him]'' You're okay. And I'm not.
:'''Frida''': Yeah, I… ''[gasps]'' My goggles! NOOOOOOOOO! Haven't I paid enough for my rock star jerkiness?!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Uh, no.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Let's get to what we came for.
:'''Grandpapi/Puma Loco''': Yes! It's time… To sign up for the Supervillain Grand Prix!
:'''Voltura''': Puma Loco, this illegal street race is for villains only!
:'''Grandpapi/Puma Loco''': Aren't you saying I am NO VILLAIN, VOLTURA?!
:'''Lady Gobbler''': Not you, the boy! He more like a hero than a villain, lately.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Me? Ha! Would a hero do ''this?'' ''[gives Dr. Chipotle Sr. a wet willy]''
:'''Señor Sinestro''': A wet willy?!
:'''Dr. Chipotle Sr.''': Dr. Chipotle Sr. still feels that El Tigre should be DISQUALIFIED!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': STOP THE CAR!
:'''Grandpapi''': No time for donkey potty!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': Goodnight, sweet prince, and flights of- Hey, a quarter.

===''Miracle City Undercover / Bride of Puma Loco (1.12)''===
:'''Manny''': I'll prove Raul is innocent. He and I will go undercover of the Mustache Mafia and find the mace.
:'''Frida''': You're doing what now?
:'''Manny''': I can handle those mop pinheads. What's the worse that could happen?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': Frida? ''[gasps]'' YOU'RE A CLOSET MIME!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Hey, before you go, I think I figured a less painful way for you to get off my face. ''[Raul springs from Manny's face and flies away]'' For once, would you… YOOOOOOOOOWW! ''[falls flat on his back]''
:'''Frida''': ''[laughs]'' That never stops being funny.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': Why do we have to get all gussied up for dinner?
:'''Maria''': Grandpapi has something important to tell us.
:'''Rodolfo''': Perhaps he's finally getting me that pony he promised me for my 10th birthday!
:''[Flashback to his 10th birthday]''
:'''10-year-old Rodolfo''': A pony? ''[rips open his birthday present, revealing a cactus, gets poked while jumping on it and screams in pain]''
:''[Flashback ends]''
:'''Rodolfo''': I did say perhaps.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Sartana arrives at the Rivera house as she blasts the door with her mystic guitar]''
:'''Frida''': Sartana of the Dead!
:'''Rodolfo''': You ''dare'' intrude upon my father's special day?! ''[rips into his White Pantera ego as Manny changes into El Tigre]''
:'''Grandpapi''': You're making a mistake!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Don't worry, we'll get rid of this filthy garbage before your fiancée gets here. ''[he and White Pantera start charging at Sartana]''
:'''Grandpapi''': ''[blocking the way]'' NO! You no understand. This filthy garbage, she ''is'' my fiancée! ''[he and Sartana hold hands, dreamily]''
:'''Sartana''': Pumey, the love of my afterlife.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': It's like a horrible dream.
:'''Frida''': Or a really romantic nightmare.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ARE YOU ALL ''NUTS?!'' This is Sartana of the Dead, our most dangerous enemy! We ''have'' to stop this!
:'''Maria''': It is Grandpapi's decision. We ''must'' respect it, no matter how unsafe, demented, and revolting it is.
:'''Grandpapi''': Thank you.
:'''Sartana''': Manny, I hope that one day you will call me, ''Grandmami.''
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': &lt;big&gt;'''''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt; ''[continues screaming as time went by and stops]'' Whoa, how long have I been screaming?
:'''Frida''': Eh, a couple hours. We tried to stop you for while, but everyone got tired and went to bed.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Monsterzuma''': WHERE IS JEWEL?!
:'''Maria''': Manny, did you do something?
:'''Manny''': I stole Monsterzuma's jewel so he'd wake up and track it down and destroy the wedding. Hey, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

===''Eye Caramba / Clash of the Titan (1.13)''===
:'''Lady Gobbler''': I here to play the darts!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Yeah? What kind of loot you got?
:'''Lady Gobbler''': ''[takes her glass eye off her face and sets it down on the table]'' This! I bet my glass eye against…your El Tigre belt.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': My belt? Psh. For that? ''[starts walking away]'' Forget it.
:'''Lady Gobbler''': You Riveras are chicken!
:'''Manny''': ''[angrily takes off his El Tigre belt and sets it down on the table]'' My belt against your eye! One dart!
:'''Frida''': But, Manny, you stink without your Tigre powers.
:'''Manny''': Family honor will guide my aim. ''[throws the dart at a photo of Dr. Psyclopsis, missing the target; shaking his fist]'' CURSE YOU, FAMILY HONOR!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Voltura''': He is such a twit. No wonder I broke up with him back when we were teenagers.
:'''Lady Gobbler''': Um…he break up with you?
:'''Voltura''': AS IF I COULD FORGET!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Flock of Fury, prepare to be plucked!
:'''Lady Gobbler''': TIME FOR THE FIGHTINGS! The way you treat me all those years ago was UNFORGIVABLE! ''[throws an egg bomb at Puma Loco]''
:'''Grandpapi/Puma Loco''': ''[slices the bomb in half, exploding it]'' Sorry. ''[fires his missiles at Lady Gobbler]''
:'''Lady Gobbler''': Oh, Puma. If you live through the fight, you call me, okay?
:'''Voltura''': &quot;Prepare to be plucked.&quot; Pathetic. No wonder I broke up with you.
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Uh, I broke up with ''you.''
:'''Voltura''': AS IF I COULD FORGET!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo''': We'll demolish evil doers with relentless force!
:'''Manny''': ''[Changes into El Tigre]'' Yeah!
:'''Rodolfo''': While discussing your grades, plans for college and your most private feelings!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': What am I going to do with that boy?

===''The Grave Escape (1.14)''===
:'''Manny''': The Day of the Dead was cool when I was little, but now it's just ''goofy.'' I don't wanna hurt their feelings, but… Sprits? Land of the Dand? Give me a break. ''[his stomach growls]'' What is it about skipping dinner that always makes me hungry?
:'''Frida''': You got me. Good thing there's tons of delicious food right here.
:'''Manny''': Frida, we can't eat my dad's sacred offerings that… ''[gasps]'' Is that real imitation crab? Mmm… Just a nibble.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': The gypsy lady I stole the string from guaranteed it would work!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Grandpapi''': ''¡Mi corazón!'' CLEAR!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': Say hello to my little friends.
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Sartana of the Dead? Attacking on the Day of the Dead?! Actually, that makes sense.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': ''[holding onto Manny, screaming]'' Lucky for us we're already in a coffin. ''[resumes screaming]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Ay, karate! Frida, these are my ancestors. The first Rivera supervillain, Dark Leopard. The first hero, Golden Leon. The Mighty Cheetar, scourge of the Seven Seas. And my great-Grandpapi, Justice Jaguar.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Justice Jaguar''': There is one who has the power to reach the living world, if we can get him to use it: El Tigre.
:''[Dark Leopard and Mighty Cheetar gasp]''
:'''Frida''': ''[confused]'' Wait, who the whats?
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': The original El Tigre. The first Rivera hero or villain. He never decided which.
:'''Frida''': Hey, just like you!
:'''Golden Leone''': The indecision ravaged his mind. He is now naught but a babbling fool.
:'''Frida''': Hey, just like you! 
:''[Manny frowns]''
:'''Justice Jaguar''': Riveras, time to visit El Tigre.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Mighty El Tigre, we need your help. Can you get us to Miracle City?
:'''Original El Tigre''': Why should I? ''[looks up above at the Land of the Living, seeing White Pantera and Puma Loco in trouble]''
:'''Grandpapi/Puma Loco''': Ai-yee! That was my favorite kidney!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Do it for them… White Pantera and Puma Loco. Good or bad, they ''always'' respected your memory.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': ''All'' the Riveras back from the dead?! DESTROY THEM, MY BEAST!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': We've got one chance. We must use our ''ultimate'' weapon… the Rivera Super Macho Blitz!
:''[The Riveras gasp in shock of hearing it]''
:'''Grandpapi/Puma Loco''': But, Manny, no one has ''ever'' survived the blitz!
:'''Justice Jaguar''': I know I didn't.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': I gotta take a chance. If I don't Sartana will destroy Miracle City! The Rivera bloodline will end! Rivera men, assemble!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Original El Tigre''': You can do it, El Tigre! I believe in you! You are a '''RIVERA!!!'''
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Ancient Tiger Spirit, I SUMMON YOU!
:'''Grandpapi/Puma Loco''': ''[surprised; to Rodolfo]'' Where'd he learn that?

===''Burrito's Little Helper / Crouching Tigre Hidden Dragon (1.15)''===
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[angrily losing his temper as everyone laughs at him and rips up the moose costume]'' That is absolutely positively '''IT!!!''' I CAN'T STAND IT, ANYMORE! ''[points to Davi, furiously]'' YOU ARE THE WORST SUPERHERO OF ALL TIME! You don't ''deserve'' a sidekick!
:''[Everyone gasps in shock at Manny's insult to Davi]''
:'''Frida''': Dude!

===''The Cactus Kid / A Mother's Glove (1.16)''===
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': What are you so mad about?! You're the one who started all this!
:'''Grandpapi/Puma Loco''': I start it?! You the one don't want to do evil no more.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': So, you replaced me with some geeky wannabe supervillain kid?!
:'''Grandpapi/Puma Loco''': Bah, I just using him. That goofy ball never going to be a real villain.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cactus Kid''': Sufferin' saguaros! Now that is cactus power! ''[creates an army of cactus monsters; cackles evilly]'' So, Riveras. Who's a real supervillain now?
:'''Manny and Grandpapi''': You.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': Dude, big locked box.
:'''Manny''': '''&quot;Warning.&quot; &quot;Danger.&quot; &quot;Do not open.&quot;'''
:'''Frida''': Wow, it's like an us trap. Wait, maybe your dad planted it here.
:'''Manny''': Yeah, to test us.
:'''Frida''': I fail.
:'''Manny''': Me too.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Mom, what's going on?
:'''Maria''': There's something you don't know about me. Something shocking.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Ah, nothing shocks me.
:'''Maria''': I was once… a superhero. ''[Manny babbles in shock as his brain shatters into pieces from inside his head]'' I was on college. ''[Flashback to her college years]'' I went to this party, and someone brought some mystical objects of power, and I… tried one on. Things were crazy back then. But, it was a different time. ''[puts the glove on and turns into her superhero identity]'' I was known as, Plata Peligrosa. At first, it was fun. Saving people, thwarting evil. But then… Then… ''[starts panting and hyperventilates as flashback ends]''
:'''Frida''': Here we go. ''[takes out a paper bag, takes a bite of a sandwich and gives the paper bag to Maria]''
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Mom, this is great! We can do stuff together, use our powers for good… or evil. Whatever, I'm easy.
:'''Maria''': ''[blows the paper bag too hard, popping the bottom]'' No, Manny… never! I gave up my powers because I couldn't handle the danger. Now, lock that glove back up and let us never speak of it again!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': This is nuts! I thought you quit superheroing because you couldn't handle the danger!
:'''Maria/Plata Peligrosa''': I couldn't handle how much I ''loved'' the danger. I was afraid it would become an obsession, but now I know that I am PERFECTLY IN CONTROL! ''[cackles]''
:'''El Oso''': For a hero, she gots a good evil laugh, man.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Mom, this has to stop!
:'''Maria/Plata Peligrosa''': You've been spending too much time with that evil Grandpapi of yours. Your father would never back down from a fight with villains!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': He also wouldn't have busted them out of jail.
:'''Maria/Plata Peligrosa''': You… you're right, ''mijo.'' I've got it all wrong.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Stop hitting my mom… Mom!
:'''Maria/Plata Peligrosa''': Only a villain would help a villain like me! I will make you '''''PAY!'''''
:'''Frida''': ''[spitting out popcorn]'' She's doing what now?!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': No, Mom, you don't mean it! That's the glove talking!

===''The Good, The Bad, and The Tigre (1.17)''===
:'''Sartana''': Tomorrow, I will hold a tournament beneath the Miracle City volcano. The winner will receive my mystic guitar! My skeleton bandito army… And a three-month's subscription to &quot;Villains Quarterly!&quot;
:'''Grandpapi/Puma Loco''': Yes, yes, yes, ''magnifico!'' ''[laughs while hyperventilates]'' What? Is good magazine.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': Can you believe them?
:'''Frida''': No. And what century did movies cost a quarter?!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': Villains, you will all compete in a series of events designed by me. If you lose even once, you will be ''eliminated…'' ''[The villains all gasp in shock]'' from the tournament. ''[The villains all sigh in relief]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': Anyone who is here can compete. ''[strums her guitar, closing the entrances]'' Because no one leaves the volcano until the tournament is over. ''NO ONE!''
:'''El Mal Verde''': You will hold us prisoner?
:'''El Oso''': I didn't pack a lunch.
:'''El Tarantula''': No! I have to return these DVDs by 10:00 or I get charged for another day!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': You know what they say, the bigger they are…
:'''Frida''': The more likely they'll cause internal bleeding! I know!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': El Tigre wins! Uh, go figure. And to ensure that no one leaves, all losers will be shackled!
:'''El Mal Verde''': ''Nobody'' shackles Mal Verde!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ENOUGH! You think I'm just some kid you can boss around? ''[to his father]'' I'm not your side ''[to his Grandpapi]'' and I'm not on your side. I'm on ''my'' side. And if you don't wanna get hurt, ''[menacingly]'' stay out of my way.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': I warned you to stay out of my way… And you're like one foot off the ground.
:'''Grandpapi/Puma Loco''': Yes, well, you're still very mean.
:'''Django''': ''[claps slowly]'' See? He has chosen power over family. I told you he was a true villain.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[confused]'' Django? What?
:'''Sartana''': He is indeed worthy. El Tigre, join us. With you and Django by my side, we will rule the world!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Huh? You said you were retiring!
:'''Sartana''': Yes, but I ''FIBBED!'' ''[cackles evilly]''
:'''Comrade Chaos''': A fib?!
:'''El Oso''': It can't be!
:'''El Tarantula''': Never trust a villain.
:'''Sartana''': Your plan worked perfectly, Django.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''Your'' plan?
:'''Django''': Yes. I devised this tournament as a way to get all of grandmother's evil competition in one place and DESTROY THEM!
:'''Frida''': That is one complicated evil plan.
:'''Comrade Chaos''': He truly is an artist.
:'''El Oso''': I would applaud if he weren't destroying me.
:'''El Tarantula''': Wait, so that's ''real'' lava?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Django, I really appreciate this.
:'''Django''': The offer to join us?
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': No. You're sticking out your hand like an idiot.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': Manny, red hot lava! Getting close, but no pressure!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': ''[to Django]'' Just wait till your mother hears about this.

===''A Fistful of Nickels / Animales! (1.18)''===
:'''Rodolfo''': Manuel Pablo Gutierrez O'Brian Equihua Rivera, I am VERY disappointed in you. You have to learn to be responsible.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': How ''DARE'' you steal from me you little maggot!
:'''Frida''': He was stupid enough.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Sartana, face the power of… The Riveras! And Frida.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': ''[cackling]'' Fools! Death ''always'' wins in the end!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Dropped in the belly of the beast.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': There's only ''one'' way to escape this monster and destroy Sartana. Our ultimate weapon: the ''Caliente'' Catapult of Carnage!
:''[Frida gasps upon hearing this]''
:'''Grandpapi/Puma Loco''': No…it's too dangerous!
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': I won't risk…my only son!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Dad… I know I messed up. I sent Señor Chapi to bird heaven, and I wrecked the house… twice. But please, let me show you I can be a hero. I ''will'' make you proud.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': ''[sighs]'' What am I going to do with that boy?
:'''Grandpapi''': Don't worry, someday Manny will be a truly great villain.
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Hero, he'll be a hero!
:'''Frida''': So, what now?
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Oh, uh, maybe, uhh… Hide Sartana's loot and tell my dad it disappeared?
:'''Frida''': Dude, you are an artist.

===''Tigre + Cuervo Forever / The Thing That Ate Frida's Brain (1.19)''===
:'''Frida''': Dude, why so mopey? You're acting like they just outlawed churros. ''[gasps]'' They didn't, did they?
:'''Manny''': My dad is super mad at me. I totally been messing up with him lately.
:'''Frida''': Do tell. ''[grabs and pulls him by the shirt collar; shouting]'' I SAID TELL!
:'''Manny''': Okay, okay! Like, yesterday, me and dad were doing a little crime-fighting.
:''[Flashback to yesterday at Miguels Jewels…]''
:'''Dr. Chipotle Sr.''': ''[walking out of the vault with a handful of gold and jewels, and sees White Pantera in front of him]'' You do not have a chance. Dr Chipotle Sr's son is sneaking up behind you.
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': That's where you're wrong. Because ''my'' son has taken care of him. Right, Manny? Manny?
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[playing a video game]'' I'm on it, Dad. High Score!
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': ''[annoyed]'' Ah, I see.
:'''Manny''': And later, me and dad caught El Oso robbing a factory… an underpants factory.
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': El Oso, drop those drawers! ''[Manny bursts out with uncontrollable laughter; confused]'' What? What's so funny? ''[El Oso rises up from behind him and gives him a wedgie]''
:''[Flashback ends]''
:'''Manny''': You try to keep a straight face in a room full of pink thongs.
:'''Frida''': Dude, preaching to the choir.
:'''Manny''': How am I gonna make it up to him?
:'''Frida''': You could clean your room. ''[Manny annoyingly looks at her]'' Sorry, talking crazy.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Just heading out to check with my &quot;anonymous source.&quot; Who might have information that could help you prevent crimes.
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': ''[agitated]'' Manny… I can't even ''LOOK'' at you right now. Seriously, it pulls my hair.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Voltura''': Make yourself at home, El Tigre.
:'''Lady Gobbler''': Yes. It's so nice to have you ''here.''
:'''Black Cuervo''': Wow. They ''totally'' hate you. Don't eat anything.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Black Cuervo''': I thought you liked me, but you were just ''USING'' ME!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[whispering a little quicker]'' Cuervo, you're totally right. I'm sorry I treated you so lousy, but I'm going to make it up to you.
:'''Black Cuervo''': ''[scoffs]'' How?
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': This fight. I'm gonna let ''you'' win.
:'''Black Cuervo''': ''[angered shock]'' LET ME WIN?!
:'''Frida''': Ooh, bad call.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': I'll yank that puppy off you with a little… ''[changes into El Tigre]'' Tigre power!
:'''Frida''': Zombie not bad, Manny. Frida ''like'' zombie.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': You may feel a pinch.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''General Chapuza''': So, zombies cannot dance, eh? Now, El Tigre. We will show you the error of your ways.

===''Stinking Badges / Mech Daddy (1.20)''===
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Check out what's at the museum… The Golden Mustache of the Pharaohs. The Mustache Mafia are totally gonna… ''[notices Frida looking gloomy with guilt]'' Hey, what's wrong?
:'''Frida''': Nothing. It's just… lying to my dad like this…
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Oh, you feeling a little guilty?
:'''Frida''': No, of course not. Guilty, me? ''[laughs]'' I laugh. Guilt slides off me like water off a duck's back. A filthy, stinking, no-good Duck who lies to her dad.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Wait a minute!
:'''Emiliano''': You stay out of this, Rivera! She lied to me.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Yeah, she lied… but only 'cause she wanted to be a good cadet so you'd like her more.
:'''Emiliano''': What?! How could I like her more?! I ''love'' my Frida. She is… my Frida.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Adios, Giant Robot Sanchez!

===''The Return of Plata Peligrosa / Chupacabros! (1.21)''===
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Doesn't your mother look pretty?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Mom, are you okay? ''[points to the glove]'' Get your hand off my mom!
:'''Maria''': Manny, it's not what you think.
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Maria, you said the glove was destroyed in the jaws of the Robasura.
:'''Maria''': I thought it was. ''[Flashback to El Tigre's last battle with the glove]'' But a few days later, it showed up on my doorstep, hurt and scared. I just couldn't turn it away. As I nursed it back health, I realized the glove was good inside. Tests in my home lab showed that if I wore the glove for only ''one'' hour at a time, I could control the danger mania. Even a few seconds more, and I become…unstable. So, the glove and I made a deal. ''[Flashback ends]'' I will use my Plata Peligrosa powers to help those in need but when my watch alarm sounds, it ''must'' get off my hand. Right, &quot;Glovey?&quot;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': That's great, Mom.
:'''Frida''': You have a home lab?
:'''Maria''': Now, I can help my boys out in a crisis.
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': ''[dreamily]'' You called me handsome.
:'''Maria''': Rodolfo, don't listen to what I say when I'm wearing the glove. I'm not myself. ''[Rodolfo puckers up his lips to kiss her; puts her hand on his mouth]'' You and I always be just friends.
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Of course. I understand completely. ''[Maria walks off]'' She called me handsome!
:'''Frida''': Wow, your mom and dad, a crime-fighting team. Maybe they'll get back together. ''[imitates kissing while rubbing Señor Chapi's head]'' Oh, Rodolfo, you're so handsome.
:'''Señor Chapi''': ''[touched while blushing]'' Ah, ''viva pantalones.''
:'''Manny''': Cut it out, Frida. We both know my parents are better off apart.
:'''Frida''': Yeah, but does your dad know?
:'''Manny''': Sure he does. Probably. Down deep. Anyway, as long as he keeps his mind off beautifying the city.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo''': Maria, we have been seeing a lot of each other lately, and… No, that's not right. ''[clears throat]'' ''Mi vida,'' I, that is, um… I need to ask you, will you have coffee with me?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': Can I get anybody anything? Soft drink? Cheese toast?
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[offering her the alarm watch]'' Hide this.
:'''Frida''': But without the alarm, your mom's gonna go all danger-crazy.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Exactly.
:''[Frida hides the alarm watch in her goggles]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': You know what's funny? If not for this inexplicable string of crimes and disasters, I would have been beautifying the city with Manny and Frida instead of… Giving them lots of money?
:''[Money flies out of Frida's goggles]''
:'''Frida''': How you doing?

===''Love and War / Wrong and Dance (1.22)''===
:'''Sergio''': What's he say?
:'''Diego''': I don't know. But it's obvious that Frida…likes Manny.
:'''Both''': ''[enraged with a background of fire]'' '''I MUST CRUSH HIM!!!'''
:'''Diego''': I will dispose of Manny and make it look like an accident.
:'''Sergio''': And once he's gone, I will make Frida mine. I will sweep her feet off…
:'''Diego''': No, I will.
:'''Sergio''': No, me.
:'''Diego''': Me!
:'''Sergio''': Me!
:'''Diego''': Me, me, ME!
:'''Sergio''': Me, me, ME!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': This is my chance to show those girls how macho I am for real! ''[Makes a girly face and claps]'' Yay!
:'''Frida''': Yeah…he's gonna need a macho coach.

===''Oso Solo Mio / Silver Wolf (1.23)''===
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Frida! Missed you at the concert tonight.
:'''Frida''': Oh, was that tonight?
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Guess you couldn't make it 'cause you were too busy STABBING ME IN THE BACK!
:'''Frida''': I didn't stab you anywhere.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': How could you?! You haven't seen me all week!
:'''Frida''': Sure, I have.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Oh yeah? What did I bring to school for lunch yesterday?
:'''Frida''': FOOD!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Lucky guess.
:'''Frida''': You're just mad because for once, ''I'm'' not your sidekick.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[angrily gets in her face]'' Yeah. You're ''his'' sidekick!
:'''Frida''': Nuh-uh, I'm not his, &quot;front-kick!&quot;
:'''Silver Wolf''': Get out of her face.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Make me, tin puppy!
:'''Silver Wolf''': Make me make you.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Make me make you make me!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Silver Wolf''': Here… ''[hands Frida his whip]'' ''Finish'' him.
:'''Frida''': ''[incredulous]'' What?
:'''Silver Wolf''': It's time for you to choose, Frida… El Tigre or me?
:'''Frida''': ''[nonchalantly]'' El Tigre. ''[takes off her biker helmet]''
:'''Silver Wolf''': Yes, though it may be agonizing you must decide between… what?
:'''Frida''': El Tigre, duh, no brainer.
:'''Silver Wolf''': You can't ''DO'' that!
:'''Frida''': Can, did.

===''The Cuervo Project / The Golden Eagle Twins (1.24)''===
:'''Zoe''': ''[to Manny, sweetly]'' Hello, Manny. ''[to Frida, annoyingly]'' Hello, Frida.
:''[Frida growls angrily]''
:'''Manny''': Come on, Frida. Zoe isn't that bad.
:'''Frida''': No? What about the time she sawed through the legs of my stool chair?
:'''Manny''': When was that?
:'''Frida''': Now. ''[falls on the ground, revealing Zoe already did it as she snickers]''
:'''Manny''': Uh, maybe she's changed since then?
:'''Frida''': I will make Zoe Aves suffer! I will humiliate her! I WILL HAVE '''''REVENGE!''''' And by &quot;I&quot;, I mean, &quot;we.&quot;
:'''Manny''': Sure, what are friends for?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': ''[annoyingly suspicious]'' Are you talking to your wrist?
:'''Zoe''': No… yes. Uh, I have to go, uh, somewhere, for… a reason. ''[zips away]''
:'''Frida''': She's hiding something.
:'''Manny''': Why? There's nothing wrong with talking to your wrist.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Black Cuervo''': Zoe Aves is NOTHING to me. Watch as I drop her into her ''OWN'' volcano!
:'''Frida''': Dude, I don't like it either, but that is harsh.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': ''[hanging on while screaming]'' Hey, I can see my house from here. ''[resumes screaming]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': The whole city still loves the twins, and I get blamed for everything.

===''Dia de los Padres / Mustache Love (1.25)''===
:'''Manny''': Only one sack of glitter left!
:''[Manny and Dr. Chipotle Jr. grab the glitter sack at the same time and fight over it]''
:'''Dr. Chipotle Jr.''': SWINE! Get your hands off my glitter!
:'''Manny''': It's mine!
:'''Dr. Chipotle Jr.''': Mine!
:'''Manny''': Mine!
:'''Dr. Chipotle Jr.''': Mine!
:'''Manny''': ''MINE!''
:''[They rip the sack off on opposite sides, causing glitter to sprinkle]''
:'''Dr. Chipotle Jr.''': YOU WILL PAY FOR… ''[sighs with depression]'' What's the point? May last hope for Father's Day is gone. And my father is already in a rotten mood. Because he keeps getting defeated by ''YOUR'' FATHER!
:'''Manny''': Yeah, my dad's in a lousy mood too.
:'''Dr. Chipotle Jr.''': ''[romantically to Frida]'' Why, Miss Suarez. I must say you are looking lovely today.
:'''Manny''': Oh, now I won't even have a lame present for my dad.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dr. Chipotle Sr. Sr.''': Do I blast the furry one or the one that looks like me?
:'''Dr. Chipotle Sr.''': ''[points to El Tigre]'' The furry one!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': Three, two, one. ''[Manny and Sophia scream in pain after Raul and Browsia detach themselves off their faces and fly away]'' I love weddings.

===''Back to Escuela / No Boots, No Belt, No Brero (1.26)''===
:'''Grandpapi''': The Golden Grasshopper of Guadalupe. The Bronze Bee of Baja. The Dryer-lint Dragonfly of Durango. All I need to complete collection is… The cursed Silver Scorpion of Sonora. And the best part is… the scorpion is on display at Manny's school tomorrow!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': ''[upset and heartbroken]'' Grandpapi? You… You ''lied'' to me? You didn't come to school to help me. You were after the scorpion all along.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Grandpapi''': Curse is on ''YOU,'' Señor Poker!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[last and final lines of the series]''
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Very good.
:'''Grandpapi/Puma Loco''': Well rockin'!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Now ''that'' was family fun!
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Yes, ''mijo.''
:'''Frida''': ''[lands in Manny's hands]'' Kiss me, you fool! ''[kisses Manny in the lips]''
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Familia forever!

==Cast==
* Manny Rivera/El Tigre ({{w|Alanna Ubach}})
* Frida Suárez ({{w|Grey DeLisle}})
* Rodolfo Rivera/White Pantera ({{w|Eric Bauza}})
* Grandpapi/Puma Loco ({{w|Carlos Alazraqui}})
* Maria Rivera/Plata Peligrosa ({{w|April Stewart}})

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
{{DEFAULTSORT:Tigre, El}}
[[Category:2000s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s Nickelodeon original series]]
[[Category:Flash animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated action TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated drama TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated superhero TV shows]]
[[Category:Teen superhero TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Nicktoons]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about teenagers]]
[[Category:TV shows about tigers]]</text>
      <sha1>nn44qqxpivgciqebqnoo0qugyd2jcvz</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153647</id>
      <parentid>3153646</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T19:59:36Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>162.197.99.132</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* The Grave Escape (1.14) */</comment>
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      <text bytes="58013" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''{{w|El Tigre: The Adventures of Manny Rivera}}''''' is an American animated television series created by {{w|Jorge R. Gutierrez}} and {{w|Sandra Equihua}} for {{w|Nickelodeon}}.

==Episodes==
===''Sole of a Hero / Night of the Living Guacamole (1.01)''===
:''[First scene of the series; Rodolfo returns home, finding Manny and Frida laying in the living room, both looking bored]''
:'''Rodolfo''': Manny, I'm home. How are you kids doing?
:'''Manny and Frida''': Bored.
:'''Frida''': There's nothing fun to do.
:'''Rodolfo''': Fun is what you make of it. For instance, today I battled giant squid creatures trying to steal the Jeweled Mule of Maya. Fun. The leader escaped with the mule, but I will find him. This I swear!
:'''Frida''': I thought you quit superheroing.
:'''Rodolfo''': Technically, I'm retired. But as long as there is evil, and I am young and vital enough to oppose it, I will.
:'''Manny''': You're super macho.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': You were right. Watching you dad sleep ''is'' less boring than TV.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo''': Manny, what are you up to?
:'''Manny''': Oh, nothing. Helping the poor. ''[dashes away to his room]''
:'''Rodolfo''': Ah, the poor. Very good.
:'''Manny''': ''[sitting under his bed sheets, turns on his flashlight, looking through a magazine]'' Oh, man, this so good.
:'''Rodolfo''': ''[bursting in]'' MANNY! ''[Manny screams]'' I just spoke to the poor, and you have ''not'' been helping them.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': He saved us all from the evil guacamole!
:'''Rodolfo''': Thank you, Man- wait, what evil guacamole?
:'''Frida''': Duh. The free stuff we got from that creepy old lady so Manny could use your money to buy the tattoo maker. ''[realizing what she said]'' Dang.
:'''Rodolfo''': Manuel Pablo Gutierrez O'Brian Equihua Rivera, what is going on here?!
:'''Frida''': We can explain everything. See, there were these aliens, and then they grabbed my face…
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[sighs with guilt]'' No, Frida, it's time to tell the truth. ''[45 minutes later…]'' And worst of all, I made you guys miss the big game.
:'''Rodolfo''': So, you stole money from me and you lied. But, you also risked your life to save us and then told the truth. ''[thinks for a second]'' Let's see, what would be an appropriate punishment?

===''Enter the Cuervo / Fistful of Collars (1.02)''===
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[whispering from outside]'' Frida!
:'''Frida''': ''[wakes up and gets up from her bed to the window; whispering]'' Where have you been?!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': I'm only six hours late.
:'''Frida''': You're ''two days'' and six hours late! The party is tomorrow. Now, GO HOME! ''[turns off the light and goes back to sleep]''
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Frida? Frida? ''[screams]'' FRIDA!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': Uh, Frida? I brought you the piñata.
:'''Frida''': You did? Oh, Manny, I  I knew… ''[shocked to see Manny's poorly made piñata]'' ''This'' is my awesome birthday piñata?
:'''Manny''': Ye…abe?
:''[Piñata rips revealing what was inside]''
:'''Frida''': Pretzels and a dirty sock?!
:'''Manny''': It still needs some fine-tuning.
:'''Frida''': Where have you been the last two days?! What kind of piñata is this?! WHAT'S THE SQUARE ROOT OF NINE?!
:'''Manny''': Square root?
:'''Frida''': I need help with my math homework, which you would know if you were any kind of friend!
:'''Manny''': If ''you'' were any kind of friend, you'd know… ''[takes off his eye patch and throws it on the ground]'' I STINK AT MATH!
:'''Frida''': You just plain STINK!
:'''Manny''': Hey, if you're such a great friend, why'd I make you such a lousy piñata?!
:'''Frida''': Well, since you're ''no'' kind of friend, you… you're… UNINVITED to my party!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': No one can help you now, chica!
:'''Black Cuervo''': Think again, ''hero!'' ''[opens a slot on her wrist brace with a red button inside and pushes it; sound effect of a bird's cry echoes, Lady Gobbler and Voltura fly into sight, landing on both sides of her; They grab both her hands and fly off]'' Party while you can, El Tigre! I shall have my revenge on you! VENDETTA!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': ''[searching through the garbage can]'' Oooh! A broken yo-yo! Buffalo jerky! ''[gasps]'' And two doorknobs.
:'''Frida''': Behold! Perfectly good roller skates made from household garbage.
:'''Manny''': It's like my dad says, &quot;You don't need money to have fun.&quot;
:'''Frida''': I even made a safety gear.
:'''Manny''': Now all we need is another pair of skates.
:'''Frida''': Pssh. We don't need anything!
:'''Manny''': This is gonna be awesome if we survive.
:''[Camera zooms out revealing the two on top of a hill through the window of a plane]''
:'''Pilot''': And on the right of the plane, you can see Manny and Frida about to do something stupid.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': So, all that work really paid off.
:'''Frida''': Your dad was totally wrong. You ''do'' need money to have fun. Luxeblades, reverse somersault!
:'''Manny''': Luxeblades, give a beat, low rider style.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': I think we did the right thing. Like my dad says, &quot;You don't need money to have fun.&quot;
:'''Frida''': ''[takes out the household garbage-made roller skates she kept]'' And check it out, I still have these.
:'''Manny''': This is gonna be awesome if we survive!

===''Fool's Goal / El Tigre El Jefe (1.03)''===
:'''Grandpapi''': ''[sighs]'' What has become of my Matadors? When I played, we beat ''every'' team in the league.
:'''General Chapuza''': ''[laughs]'' Not every team.
:'''Grandpapi''': Aye! General Chapuza, you old nemesis, you.
:'''General Chapuza''': Your Miracle City matadors have never beaten my Calavera zombies. And this year will be ''no'' different. Especially with me coaching a team led by my grandson, Che.
:'''Che''': Grandfather, when may I torment and destroy the Matadors?
:'''General Chapuza''': ''[patting his grandson's head]'' Soon, my grandson, soon.
:'''Grandpapi''': This year, the Matadors will ''defeat'' the zombies! THIS I SWEAR!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Grandpapi''': Back in my day, Miracle City won ''every'' trophy imaginable. Except for the League Championship.
:'''Frida''': And we're not gonna win it this year with no-cheaty-petey coaching us.
:'''Grandpapi''': Then I will not have my revenge on General Chapuza. Oh, well. Nothing we can ado about it, ''sí?''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': I couldn't do it. As much as I wanted that trophy, honor was more important.
:'''Rodolfo''': Yes, ''mijo.'' And someday, people will respect you from this decision. But for now… ''[dashes away]'' '''RUN!!!'''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': I am here to help. I am here to help.
:'''Frida''': Dude, that's starting to creep me out.
:'''Mrs. Lupita''': Aaron, you haven't done your homework in weeks. This is it. Turn in your assignment tomorrow, or you will be '''''EXPELLED!'''''
:'''Aaron''': No more school? Wow, thanks.
:'''Mrs. Lupita''': Young man, you need ''help.''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mrs. Lupita''': Class, not only did Aaron ''do'' his homework, ''[chuckles]'' he got a perfect score on today's pop quiz! ''[places a gold star on Aaron's forehead]''
:'''Aaron''': This one's for you, Manny! Thanks for helping.
:''[The class cheers for Manny]''
:'''Frida''': You did a good thing, dude. ''[gives Manny a thumbs up]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sergio''': Somebody should really do something about that guy, huh?
:'''Frida''': Yeah. Somebody ''should.'' ''[gathers everybody in a janitor's closet]'' People, I want Help-zilla out, and the old Manny back. And Sergio here has an idea how we can do it.
:'''Sergio''': ''[stepping into the light]'' I believe I know someone who can help. Someone who can…''show'' El Tigre the error of his ways.
:'''Frida''': Like a counselor, right?
:'''Sergio''': ''[laughs]'' Yes. A counselor. ''[starts laughing maniacally]'' Uh, I, uh, I just remembered a joke.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[impressed by the carving statue of himself]'' Man, I look good.
:'''Boy''': You look like a BULLY!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[turns around, seeing Frida and everybody staring angrily at him]'' Frida? What is this?
:'''Frida''': Manny, there's someone I want you to talk to. Where's Sergio's friend?
:'''Señor Sinestro''': ''[drops down in front]'' Here!
:'''Frida''': Ooh, this ''may'' have been a mistake.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': Pst.
:'''Manny''': You would say that.
:'''Frida''': I swear I didn't mean for this to happen, Manny. You've gotta help us.
:'''Manny''': I ''was'' helping. How could you do this to me? Don't you know you can't force people to change?
:'''Frida''': Yeah, I know that. Do you?
:'''Manny''': Of course, I- ''[realizes]'' Oh… This, this is all my fault.

===''Zebra Donkey / Adios Amigos (1.04)''===
:''[Rivera house; Manny and Frida stand in front of Zebra Donkey's grave after his death of being poisoned by bananas]''
:'''Manny''': ''[places a flower on Zebra Donkey's grave; breaking down sadly]'' It is as if, I have lost a brother. A striped, long-eared brother. And it's all my fault!
:'''Frida''': Um, Manny? The Zebra Donkey fiesta spectacular is tomorrow.
:'''Manny''': ''[shouting]'' THIS IS NO TIME TO TALK ABOUT PARTIES! ''[calms down]'' I'm sorry, I just need some time to grieve.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': You sure about this?
:'''Manny''': I gotta get Zebra Donkey back! He's my best… ''[realizes]'' my second best friend.
:'''Frida''': Nice say, dude.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': Thieves!
:'''Frida''': ''[through gritted teeth]'' ''Never'' say, &quot;What could go wrong?&quot;
:'''Sartana''': Steal from me ''and'' give me a bad makeover?! You will PAY!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': Manny, you've gotta smash Sartana's guitar. It'll make her crumble to dust, ''and'' her banditos!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': And Zebra Donkey.
:'''Frida''': Oh, yeah.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': I can't lose him again! I just can't! There has to be another way!
:'''Frida''': Hypnosis. Time machine. Pixie dust.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Zebra Donkey sacrificed himself…
:'''Frida''': To save us all.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo''': ''[clears throat]'' When your mother and I got married, I had less time with the Titan. Then we had you, and the decision was clear. My family was more important to me than my partnership with the Titan. So we went our separate ways.
:'''Manny''': What happened to him?
:'''Rodolfo''': He couldn't make it as a solo superhero. Eventually, he left town, and turned to a life of crime. And he blamed ''you'' for his misfortunes.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': ''[making a rice-shaped sculpture of Frida's head during lunch]'' What's that you say, Rice Frida? You miss me? I miss you, too.

===''The Mother of All Tigres / Old Money (1.05)''===
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Now, Manny, we have work to do. The divine angel who is your mother is coming to visit! And we must…clean up this mess, at once!
:'''El Oso''': Why, man?
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Oh, you gotta hear this story! ''[Flashback begins with his parents walking through the park with him as a baby in a baby carriage]'' When my folks first got married, Mom used to think Dad being White Pantera was cool. Then, one day…
:'''Rodolfo''': ''[changes into his White Pantera persona and runs over to stop El Mal Verde]'' Halt, fiend! So says, White- ''[gets smashed repeatedly by El Mal Verde's metal club; El Mal Verde laughs and walks away; holds up a thumbs up, bruised and beaten as Maria runs over to him, carrying baby Manny]''
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': It was the first time she saw my dad get hurt, and she totally lost it.
:''[Maria starts hyperventilating]''
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Maria didn't want me to be a superhero anymore. She couldn't stand to see me in danger. But I could not ignore the crisp, clean refreshing call of crime fighting! It was in my blood! ''[Maria watches her husband getting beaten by the giant creatures, starts hyperventilating, pulls her hair, and screams]'' In the end, she could not stand it anymore. ''[next scene shows Maria packing up her stuff as he starts tearing up]'' She had to… ''[sobs]'' ''leave'' me! 
:'''Maria''': ''[gives Manny a sweet kiss and stands outside the front door as Rodolfo looks on with sadness]'' I'm sorry, but I married the man, not the mask.
:''[The door closes in front of her and Granpapi enters a split second later]''
:'''Grandpapi''': I moved in to make sure Rodolfo and Manny would be okay. Also because I crashed my evil headquarters of evil. Maria's career as a mariachi singer took off after that. She traveled the world, performing for adoring fans everywhere, even Luxembourg! Manny goes to visit her every month.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': I got my El Tigre belt after Mom went on tour. ''[spins his belt buckle and changes into El Tigre; flashback ends]'' And I, uh…haven't had a chance to tell her about it yet.
:'''Frida''': Dude, she is gonna freak when she finds out!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': I know. So that's why we gotta clean. If my mom sees all this wreckage, she'll know we've been doing superhero stuff, and she'll freak out.
:'''El Oso''': ''[agitated]'' I just asked why you gotta hide stuff! You don't gotta tell me your whole story, man!
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Hurry! Maria will be here tomorrow! And I will once again behold a sweet goddess without whom my life has become a pit of misery. And who I never think about anymore.
:'''Grandpapi''': Didn't I tell you? Maria called to say she's coming early. She should be here in about, eh… no minutes.
:''[The doorbell rings and Rodolfo freezes in fear]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Leone Middle School; Manny and Frida are in Vice Principal Chakal's office, covered in green slime]'' 
:'''Vice Principal Chakal''': Do you have any idea how many detentions you have?
:'''Manny''': Uh, 10?
:'''Vice Principal Chakal''': 136! Since there ''aren't'' enough days left in the year to ''serve'' all these, you must either work them off by doing community service, or… SPEND TWO MONTHS IN OUR SUMMER DETENTION CAMP IN THE NONAGUA DESERT!
:'''Frida''': Community service doesn't sound so bad.
:'''Vice Principal Chakal''': Oh, it won't be so bad. It will be…''SO BAD!'' Your options are… clean up after frog dissections, shovel cafeteria gristle, de-clog toilets, or…leave school early to volunteer at an old folk's home!
:'''Manny and Frida''': ''[sobbing]'' NO!
:'''Manny''': I'm sorry. Did you say leave school early?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[After Manny and Frida load Sartana's loot into El Tarantula's loot cart and blast a hole open with Mano Negra's Glove of Doom, they soon realize they're not even moving]''
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Uh, why aren't we moving?
:''[They turn around and see Sartana holding onto the attached jet pack on the cart]''
:'''Sartana''': Fools! ''[cackles]'' ''No one'' steals from Sartana of the Dead!
:''[Manny and Frida scream in terror and Sartana strums her mystic guitar, opening the cell doors for her skeleton banditos to attack]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': I love those guys.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[picking the cell lock]'' They lied to us so we'd rob Sartana for them.
:'''Frida''': ''[in the same happy tone as before]'' I hate those guys.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': You're like a pathetic piñata! Let's see if you're full of candy!

===''The Late Manny Rivera / Party Monsters (1.06)''===
:'''Emiliano''': It must be the boy's fault!
:'''Rodolfo''': Clearly, it is Frida's fault. She is a trouble making, goggle-wearer!
:''[As the parents argue over whose fault it is, Manny and Frida get up from their seats and start to walk away]''
:'''Manny''': Well, it looks like you guys…
:'''Parents''': Sit down!
:''[Manny and Frida quickly sit back in their seats]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo''': Manuel Pablo Gutierrez O'Brian Equihua Rivera, if you get expelled, we are going to send you to a charm school.
:'''Maria''': In Switzerland.
:''[Manny opens his mouth to scream, but is confused to see his grandpapi doing it]''
:'''Grandpapi''': '''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!''' No grandson of mine is going to a charm school! ''Or'' to Switzerland! It is.... unnatural.
:'''Rodolfo''': Nonsense! It will be good for Manny. They will teach him punctuality, etiquette, and how to knit cute little tea cozies.
:'''Manny and Grandpapi''': '''''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Maria''': I'm sorry, mijo, but you have to take responsibility for your actions. Make us proud.
:''[Manny walks remorsefully into his bedroom a little later and closes the door behind him]''
:'''Frida''': ''[kicks Manny's bedroom door down]'' If I get expelled, my parents are gonna send me to military school! Can you think of anything worse?
:'''Manny''': Charm school.
:'''Frida''': This is serious, dude. If we get sent to different schools, we'll never see each other again. We ''cannot'' be late tomorrow.
:'''Manny''': Right. We got work to do.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Vice Principal Chakal''': I was finally going to be rid of him!
:'''Sergio''': I was finally going to be rid of him!
:'''Vice Principal Chakal''': ''[enraged at Sergio]'' YOU'RE LATE! ''500'' DETENTIONS!!
:''[Sergio reacts with horror and dismay]''
:'''Frida''': Everything worked out great, Manny. There's just ''one'' problem.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': My shattered spine?
:'''Frida''': We gotta keep getting here on time every day for the rest of the year.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': Banned from the video arcade?!
:'''Frida''': We were just cooling the place off for him. Is that gratitude?
:'''Manny''': Aw, man. It's like a million degrees out and we got nothing to do now. Except, well, you know.
:'''Frida''': Watch pigeons explode from the heat? ''[A pigeon explodes off-screen]'' Yeah, I just hope I don't get a beak stuck in my hair this time.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Thought you could use a trim.

===''The Mustache Kid / Puma Licito (1.07)''===
:'''Manny''': You sure about this?
:'''Frida''': Yeah. Mucho-grow plant food. The bottle says it'll make anything grow.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': Well, you do look older. ''[Manny looks at her, angrily; shrugs nervously]'' Gehhh…
:'''Manny''': I would give anything for a mustache! '''''ANYTHING!!!''''' ''[echoes]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': You know, Frida, I really learned… ''[screams loudly in pain]'' EE-YOOOOW!!!! ''[falls on his back]''
:'''Frida''': Well said, dude. Well said.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo''': We need to discuss the possibility of… Grandpapi moving out of the house.
:'''Manny''': ''[hearing his parents' conversation through the walls]'' No! He ''can't'' leave! Grandpapi isn't a bad influence on me.
:'''Frida''': How'd you learn to eavesdrop like this?
:'''Manny''': Grandpapi taught me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo''': ''[takes a sip of coffee]'' Papi.
:'''Grandpapi''': ''[takes sip of coffee]'' Rodolfo.
:'''Rodolfo''': ''[takes sip of coffee]'' Papi.
:'''Grandpapi''': ''[takes sip of coffee]'' Rodolfo.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Grandpapi''': How could a newspaper bring such lies?! I will make them pay '''''DEARLY!'''''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Grandpapi''': The ''policia'' love me? What have I done? WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?

===''Miracle City Worker / Dia de los Malos (1.08)''===
:'''Maria''': Manny, I have a surprise for you.
:'''Manny''': You mean we didn't come to the Miracle City Mint just to watch the criminals drool?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Manny and Maria have lunch together at Burritos Explosivos]''
:'''Manny''': Thanks, Mom. Burritos Explosivos is my favorite!
:'''Maria''': ''[sees a bull's head on the wall]'' Oh, ''mijo,'' look. Remember when you were younger and that bull used to freak you out?
:'''Manny''': Mom, I was a little kid, then.
:''[An explosion blows the bull's head in Manny's lap, causing him to scream terrifyingly]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': I can't believe it. They turned down every chance to steal, pillage, and punch me in the face. Maybe they really ''do'' want to change.
:'''Frida''': Yeah. Hey, how about I heat some churros. That'll cheer you up.
:'''Manny''': No, Frida. I wanna watch my mother change people for the good.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': The churros. ''[cries]'' The churros! TAKE ME INSTEAD!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dr. Chipotle Sr.''': Dr Chipotle Sr. is going to be sick. ''[Frida stuffs a churro in his mouth to shut him up, causing him to have an allergic reaction]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Newscaster''': Breaking News: We interrupt the Celebration of Heroes to take you to the Celebration of Heroes. Sartana of the Dead is attacking the convention center.
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Forget it, Sartana. You'll never get in!
:'''Sartana''': I don't have to. Because ''you'll'' never get out! ''[cackles as she strums her mystic guitar, creating an unbreakable force field around the convention center, trapping everyone]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': Soon, Quetzalcoatl's Stone will be mine! Combined with my mystic guitar, '''I WILL RULE THE WORLD!''' ''[she and her ''banditos'' enter the Hall of Gems]'' At last, I will have the power I need to… ''[gasps as she finds the stone being replaced by a rubber duck]''
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': This what you're looking for?
:'''Sartana''': Impudent boy, that stone is mine! ''Banditos,'' END THEM!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': Fool! Did you really think I would give you my mystic guitar? Listen well to the music of your DOOM! ''[strums a broomstick]''
:'''Frida''': You gotta keep an eye on your stuff when there's no cops around.

===''Yellow Pantera / Rising Son (1.09)''===
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': It's not nice to spit lies about my father!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': Those jerks insulted the Rivera family name! They made up some crazy story about dad running away from a guy called El Mal Verde.
:'''Maria''': ''[gasps in horrified shock]'' El Mal Verde.
:'''Frida''': Who is this guy? He sounds like bad salsa.
:'''Maria''': El Mal Verde is the biggest, meanest, most vicious ''bandito'' of all time! Every 10 years, he comes down from the peak of Mount ''Tortura'' and attacks Miracle City. Once, some superheroes went to stop him, but they… ''[starts to hyperventilate]'' Then your father, he went up, too, and…
:'''Manny''': And? AND?!
:'''Maria''': ''[gasping and panting]'' And…you should talk to him about it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Manny angrily kicks the library doors opened and enters]''
:'''Maria''': Oh. You spoke to your father?
:'''Manny''': Huh, you mean the coward?!
:'''Maria''': ''[having to hear that; sharped]'' Manny!
:'''Frida''': Harsh.
:'''Manny''': It's true! He ran from a fight! He tarnished our family name, Mom!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': There's only ''one'' way I can save the Rivera name from disgrace. ''[walks towards the window]'' I must defeat El Mal Verde ''myself!''
:'''Maria''': You will do no such thing!
:'''Frida''': That dude is ''way'' dangerous!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': It's been 10 years. So El Mal Verde's due to attack Miracle City again. And if the coward that is my father won't stop him, it's up to me. ''[heads over to El Mal Verde's mountain peak]''
:'''Maria''': Manny, come back!
:'''Frida''': Want me to stay behind and protect your mom, OK.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[climbing up to the top of El Mal Verde's mountain peak]'' Why'd they have to put the mountain's peak all the way at the top?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''Capitán Águila's'' Helmet of Power, ''Loba Roja's'' heat ray, dude needs to floss.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[finds his dad's wallet and knows the truth]'' Dad didn't run away 'cause he was scared to fight. He ran away 'cause he was scared of leaving me and mom alone! Papa! I'm sorry! I know you're no coward. You can beat him! I believe in you, Dad!

===''Curse of the Ablino Burrito / La Tigresa (1.10)''===
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': The little donkey boy is trying to stop the giant robot? ''[Manny and Frida nod yes]'' Then he's our only hope. Go, little donkey boy. GO!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Davi, you can maybe do it!
:'''Frida''': All right, Davi! Hit… anything!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': ''[after Frida throws a potato at her in the face]'' A potato? That's the best you can do?
:'''Frida''': Um…yes?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': ''[snatches the magazine out of Frida's hands]'' La Tigresa? Claws, a tail, and a belt? She's totally copying my whole…me! ''[rips up the magazine]'' What kind of low-down, bottom feeder steals a guy's GUY?!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': I've been needing a new guitar strap for a long time now. So, this must be the tenth time I've captured you this month.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': ''[looks down at his waist, seeing his belt is gone; gasps]'' My belt! Wha…? ''[compares the newspaper of Frida's bear incident and the magazine of her as La Tigresa]'' Frida's La Tigresa! Man, the blue hair totally should've tipped me off.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': ''[whispering]'' Can't believe you stole my belt.
:'''Frida''': Manny! How'd you know where I'd be?
:'''Manny''': Are you kidding?! You spend more time here than Sartana does.
:'''Frida''': ''[upset]'' I'm sorry I took your belt, Manny. I wanted to feel powerful, just for once.
:'''Manny''': Then how come you took it for ''twice?''
:'''Frida''': Why are you whispering anyway?
:'''Manny''': So Sartana doesn't hear… ''[gets caught by Sartana and yelps]''
:'''Frida''': MANNY!
:'''Sartana''': Ah, the one true Tigre. You will make a fine skeleton bandito. Once I strip off all your bothersome ''flesh!'' ''[sharpens her razor-sharped claws as Frida frees herself from her cell]'' Now you know how it feels to be powerless, eh?

===''The Ballad of Frida Suarez / Fool Speed Ahead (1.11)''===
:'''Manny''': Want to go to the arcade?
:'''Frida''': Five minutes, tops. ''[transits to Mayan Arcade, nighttime]'' Well, time to go home and write that masterpiece. ''[notices the sky]'' Why is the sky so dark?
:'''Manny''': We were in there for five hours.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': Dude, awesome…underpants.
:'''Manny''': Listen to me. No one must ever know of this, NO ONE!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Frida''': Feel the sting of Sartana's strings. ♫ She tossed El Tigre like a salad / Sartana of the Dead / Listen to my Sartana ballad / Listen to me shred! / She smashed him, and flashed him, and blasted his hair! / She flipped him, and stripped him to his underwear! / ZEBRA DONKEY UNDERWEAR! / Sartana crushed El Tigre like a worm! ♫

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': My dreams are finally coming true! Except for the one where my mom is a giant snail, only she's really a post office.
:'''Manny''': Yeah, that's really, uh, good. Hey, do you think maybe people are getting sick of hearing that same song?
:'''Frida''': ''[gasps]'' What are you trying to do, jinx me?! We're going on ''&quot;Caliente o Basura&quot;'' today, the whole city will be watching!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Manny''': Tough audience, huh?
:'''Frida''': ''[viciously enraged]'' You JINXED ME!
:'''Manny''': What?! You totally trashed me and I ''still'' had your back!
:'''Frida''': Hey, I put your name in an awesome hit song! And what do you do? You jinx me with your jinxy-winxy-backstabbing JINX!
:'''Manny''': Uh-huh. Call me when you remember how to be a friend again.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''C.C. Puede''': We're live from the prison graveyard for the Atomic Sombreros &quot;Back from ''La Muerte''&quot; show! Sartana may be evil incarnate, but she has put together kickin' concert!
:'''Manny''': My worst nightmare is on TV. And it pre-empted wrestling!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': Manny, I'm sorry.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': For being a selfish jerk who cared more about being a rock star than she did about her best friend?!
:'''Frida''': Well, yeah. And for this. ''[kicks the &quot;I&quot; off, letting Manny fall while he screams]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Frida's goggles! NOOOOOOOOO! ''[Frida falls on him]'' You're okay. And I'm not.
:'''Frida''': Yeah, I… ''[gasps]'' My goggles! NOOOOOOOOO! Haven't I paid enough for my rock star jerkiness?!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Uh, no.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Let's get to what we came for.
:'''Grandpapi/Puma Loco''': Yes! It's time… To sign up for the Supervillain Grand Prix!
:'''Voltura''': Puma Loco, this illegal street race is for villains only!
:'''Grandpapi/Puma Loco''': Aren't you saying I am NO VILLAIN, VOLTURA?!
:'''Lady Gobbler''': Not you, the boy! He more like a hero than a villain, lately.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Me? Ha! Would a hero do ''this?'' ''[gives Dr. Chipotle Sr. a wet willy]''
:'''Señor Sinestro''': A wet willy?!
:'''Dr. Chipotle Sr.''': Dr. Chipotle Sr. still feels that El Tigre should be DISQUALIFIED!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': STOP THE CAR!
:'''Grandpapi''': No time for donkey potty!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': Goodnight, sweet prince, and flights of- Hey, a quarter.

===''Miracle City Undercover / Bride of Puma Loco (1.12)''===
:'''Manny''': I'll prove Raul is innocent. He and I will go undercover of the Mustache Mafia and find the mace.
:'''Frida''': You're doing what now?
:'''Manny''': I can handle those mop pinheads. What's the worse that could happen?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': Frida? ''[gasps]'' YOU'RE A CLOSET MIME!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Hey, before you go, I think I figured a less painful way for you to get off my face. ''[Raul springs from Manny's face and flies away]'' For once, would you… YOOOOOOOOOWW! ''[falls flat on his back]''
:'''Frida''': ''[laughs]'' That never stops being funny.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': Why do we have to get all gussied up for dinner?
:'''Maria''': Grandpapi has something important to tell us.
:'''Rodolfo''': Perhaps he's finally getting me that pony he promised me for my 10th birthday!
:''[Flashback to his 10th birthday]''
:'''10-year-old Rodolfo''': A pony? ''[rips open his birthday present, revealing a cactus, gets poked while jumping on it and screams in pain]''
:''[Flashback ends]''
:'''Rodolfo''': I did say perhaps.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Sartana arrives at the Rivera house as she blasts the door with her mystic guitar]''
:'''Frida''': Sartana of the Dead!
:'''Rodolfo''': You ''dare'' intrude upon my father's special day?! ''[rips into his White Pantera ego as Manny changes into El Tigre]''
:'''Grandpapi''': You're making a mistake!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Don't worry, we'll get rid of this filthy garbage before your fiancée gets here. ''[he and White Pantera start charging at Sartana]''
:'''Grandpapi''': ''[blocking the way]'' NO! You no understand. This filthy garbage, she ''is'' my fiancée! ''[he and Sartana hold hands, dreamily]''
:'''Sartana''': Pumey, the love of my afterlife.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': It's like a horrible dream.
:'''Frida''': Or a really romantic nightmare.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ARE YOU ALL ''NUTS?!'' This is Sartana of the Dead, our most dangerous enemy! We ''have'' to stop this!
:'''Maria''': It is Grandpapi's decision. We ''must'' respect it, no matter how unsafe, demented, and revolting it is.
:'''Grandpapi''': Thank you.
:'''Sartana''': Manny, I hope that one day you will call me, ''Grandmami.''
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': &lt;big&gt;'''''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt; ''[continues screaming as time went by and stops]'' Whoa, how long have I been screaming?
:'''Frida''': Eh, a couple hours. We tried to stop you for while, but everyone got tired and went to bed.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Monsterzuma''': WHERE IS JEWEL?!
:'''Maria''': Manny, did you do something?
:'''Manny''': I stole Monsterzuma's jewel so he'd wake up and track it down and destroy the wedding. Hey, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

===''Eye Caramba / Clash of the Titan (1.13)''===
:'''Lady Gobbler''': I here to play the darts!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Yeah? What kind of loot you got?
:'''Lady Gobbler''': ''[takes her glass eye off her face and sets it down on the table]'' This! I bet my glass eye against…your El Tigre belt.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': My belt? Psh. For that? ''[starts walking away]'' Forget it.
:'''Lady Gobbler''': You Riveras are chicken!
:'''Manny''': ''[angrily takes off his El Tigre belt and sets it down on the table]'' My belt against your eye! One dart!
:'''Frida''': But, Manny, you stink without your Tigre powers.
:'''Manny''': Family honor will guide my aim. ''[throws the dart at a photo of Dr. Psyclopsis, missing the target; shaking his fist]'' CURSE YOU, FAMILY HONOR!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Voltura''': He is such a twit. No wonder I broke up with him back when we were teenagers.
:'''Lady Gobbler''': Um…he break up with you?
:'''Voltura''': AS IF I COULD FORGET!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Flock of Fury, prepare to be plucked!
:'''Lady Gobbler''': TIME FOR THE FIGHTINGS! The way you treat me all those years ago was UNFORGIVABLE! ''[throws an egg bomb at Puma Loco]''
:'''Grandpapi/Puma Loco''': ''[slices the bomb in half, exploding it]'' Sorry. ''[fires his missiles at Lady Gobbler]''
:'''Lady Gobbler''': Oh, Puma. If you live through the fight, you call me, okay?
:'''Voltura''': &quot;Prepare to be plucked.&quot; Pathetic. No wonder I broke up with you.
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Uh, I broke up with ''you.''
:'''Voltura''': AS IF I COULD FORGET!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo''': We'll demolish evil doers with relentless force!
:'''Manny''': ''[Changes into El Tigre]'' Yeah!
:'''Rodolfo''': While discussing your grades, plans for college and your most private feelings!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': What am I going to do with that boy?

===''The Grave Escape (1.14)''===
:'''Manny''': The Day of the Dead was cool when I was little, but now it's just ''goofy.'' I don't wanna hurt their feelings, but… Sprits? Land of the Dand? Give me a break. ''[his stomach growls]'' What is it about skipping dinner that always makes me hungry?
:'''Frida''': You got me. Good thing there's tons of delicious food right here.
:'''Manny''': Frida, we can't eat my dad's sacred offerings that… ''[gasps]'' Is that real imitation crab? Mmm… Just a nibble.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': The gypsy lady I stole the string from guaranteed it would work!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Grandpapi''': ''¡Mi corazón!'' CLEAR!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': Say hello to my little friends.
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Sartana of the Dead? Attacking on the Day of the Dead?! Actually, that makes sense.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': ''[holding onto Manny, screaming]'' Lucky for us we're already in a coffin. ''[resumes screaming]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Ay, karate! Frida, these are my ancestors. The first Rivera supervillain, Dark Leopard. The first hero, Golden Leon. The Mighty Cheetar, scourge of the Seven Seas. And my great-Grandpapi, Justice Jaguar.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Justice Jaguar''': There is one who has the power to reach the living world, if we can get him to use it: El Tigre.
:''[Dark Leopard and Mighty Cheetar gasp]''
:'''Frida''': ''[confused]'' Wait, who the whats?
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': The original El Tigre. The first Rivera hero or villain. He never decided which.
:'''Frida''': Hey, just like you!
:'''Golden Leone''': The indecision ravaged his mind. He is now naught but a babbling fool.
:'''Frida''': Hey, just like you! 
:''[Manny frowns]''
:'''Justice Jaguar''': Riveras, time to visit El Tigre.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Mighty El Tigre, we need your help. Can you get us to Miracle City?
:'''Original El Tigre''': Why should I? ''[looks up above at the Land of the Living, seeing White Pantera and Puma Loco in trouble]''
:'''Grandpapi/Puma Loco''': Ai-yee! That was my favorite kidney!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Do it for them… White Pantera and Puma Loco. Good or bad, they ''always'' respected your memory.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': ''All'' the Riveras back from the dead?! DESTROY THEM, MY BEAST!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': We've got one chance. We must use our ''ultimate'' weapon… the Rivera Super Macho Blitz!
:''[The Riveras gasp in shock of hearing it]''
:'''Grandpapi/Puma Loco''': But, Manny, no one has ''ever'' survived the blitz!
:'''Justice Jaguar''': I know I didn't.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': I gotta take a chance. If I don't, Sartana will destroy Miracle City! The Rivera bloodline will end! Rivera men, assemble!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Original El Tigre''': You can do it, El Tigre! I believe in you! You are a '''RIVERA!!!'''
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Ancient Tiger Spirit, I SUMMON YOU! ''[turns into a tiger spirit]''
:'''Grandpapi/Puma Loco''': ''[surprised; to Rodolfo]'' Where'd he learn that?

===''Burrito's Little Helper / Crouching Tigre Hidden Dragon (1.15)''===
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[angrily losing his temper as everyone laughs at him and rips up the moose costume]'' That is absolutely positively '''IT!!!''' I CAN'T STAND IT, ANYMORE! ''[points to Davi, furiously]'' YOU ARE THE WORST SUPERHERO OF ALL TIME! You don't ''deserve'' a sidekick!
:''[Everyone gasps in shock at Manny's insult to Davi]''
:'''Frida''': Dude!

===''The Cactus Kid / A Mother's Glove (1.16)''===
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': What are you so mad about?! You're the one who started all this!
:'''Grandpapi/Puma Loco''': I start it?! You the one don't want to do evil no more.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': So, you replaced me with some geeky wannabe supervillain kid?!
:'''Grandpapi/Puma Loco''': Bah, I just using him. That goofy ball never going to be a real villain.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cactus Kid''': Sufferin' saguaros! Now that is cactus power! ''[creates an army of cactus monsters; cackles evilly]'' So, Riveras. Who's a real supervillain now?
:'''Manny and Grandpapi''': You.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': Dude, big locked box.
:'''Manny''': '''&quot;Warning.&quot; &quot;Danger.&quot; &quot;Do not open.&quot;'''
:'''Frida''': Wow, it's like an us trap. Wait, maybe your dad planted it here.
:'''Manny''': Yeah, to test us.
:'''Frida''': I fail.
:'''Manny''': Me too.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Mom, what's going on?
:'''Maria''': There's something you don't know about me. Something shocking.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Ah, nothing shocks me.
:'''Maria''': I was once… a superhero. ''[Manny babbles in shock as his brain shatters into pieces from inside his head]'' I was on college. ''[Flashback to her college years]'' I went to this party, and someone brought some mystical objects of power, and I… tried one on. Things were crazy back then. But, it was a different time. ''[puts the glove on and turns into her superhero identity]'' I was known as, Plata Peligrosa. At first, it was fun. Saving people, thwarting evil. But then… Then… ''[starts panting and hyperventilates as flashback ends]''
:'''Frida''': Here we go. ''[takes out a paper bag, takes a bite of a sandwich and gives the paper bag to Maria]''
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Mom, this is great! We can do stuff together, use our powers for good… or evil. Whatever, I'm easy.
:'''Maria''': ''[blows the paper bag too hard, popping the bottom]'' No, Manny… never! I gave up my powers because I couldn't handle the danger. Now, lock that glove back up and let us never speak of it again!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': This is nuts! I thought you quit superheroing because you couldn't handle the danger!
:'''Maria/Plata Peligrosa''': I couldn't handle how much I ''loved'' the danger. I was afraid it would become an obsession, but now I know that I am PERFECTLY IN CONTROL! ''[cackles]''
:'''El Oso''': For a hero, she gots a good evil laugh, man.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Mom, this has to stop!
:'''Maria/Plata Peligrosa''': You've been spending too much time with that evil Grandpapi of yours. Your father would never back down from a fight with villains!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': He also wouldn't have busted them out of jail.
:'''Maria/Plata Peligrosa''': You… you're right, ''mijo.'' I've got it all wrong.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Stop hitting my mom… Mom!
:'''Maria/Plata Peligrosa''': Only a villain would help a villain like me! I will make you '''''PAY!'''''
:'''Frida''': ''[spitting out popcorn]'' She's doing what now?!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': No, Mom, you don't mean it! That's the glove talking!

===''The Good, The Bad, and The Tigre (1.17)''===
:'''Sartana''': Tomorrow, I will hold a tournament beneath the Miracle City volcano. The winner will receive my mystic guitar! My skeleton bandito army… And a three-month's subscription to &quot;Villains Quarterly!&quot;
:'''Grandpapi/Puma Loco''': Yes, yes, yes, ''magnifico!'' ''[laughs while hyperventilates]'' What? Is good magazine.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': Can you believe them?
:'''Frida''': No. And what century did movies cost a quarter?!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': Villains, you will all compete in a series of events designed by me. If you lose even once, you will be ''eliminated…'' ''[The villains all gasp in shock]'' from the tournament. ''[The villains all sigh in relief]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': Anyone who is here can compete. ''[strums her guitar, closing the entrances]'' Because no one leaves the volcano until the tournament is over. ''NO ONE!''
:'''El Mal Verde''': You will hold us prisoner?
:'''El Oso''': I didn't pack a lunch.
:'''El Tarantula''': No! I have to return these DVDs by 10:00 or I get charged for another day!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': You know what they say, the bigger they are…
:'''Frida''': The more likely they'll cause internal bleeding! I know!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': El Tigre wins! Uh, go figure. And to ensure that no one leaves, all losers will be shackled!
:'''El Mal Verde''': ''Nobody'' shackles Mal Verde!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ENOUGH! You think I'm just some kid you can boss around? ''[to his father]'' I'm not your side ''[to his Grandpapi]'' and I'm not on your side. I'm on ''my'' side. And if you don't wanna get hurt, ''[menacingly]'' stay out of my way.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': I warned you to stay out of my way… And you're like one foot off the ground.
:'''Grandpapi/Puma Loco''': Yes, well, you're still very mean.
:'''Django''': ''[claps slowly]'' See? He has chosen power over family. I told you he was a true villain.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[confused]'' Django? What?
:'''Sartana''': He is indeed worthy. El Tigre, join us. With you and Django by my side, we will rule the world!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Huh? You said you were retiring!
:'''Sartana''': Yes, but I ''FIBBED!'' ''[cackles evilly]''
:'''Comrade Chaos''': A fib?!
:'''El Oso''': It can't be!
:'''El Tarantula''': Never trust a villain.
:'''Sartana''': Your plan worked perfectly, Django.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''Your'' plan?
:'''Django''': Yes. I devised this tournament as a way to get all of grandmother's evil competition in one place and DESTROY THEM!
:'''Frida''': That is one complicated evil plan.
:'''Comrade Chaos''': He truly is an artist.
:'''El Oso''': I would applaud if he weren't destroying me.
:'''El Tarantula''': Wait, so that's ''real'' lava?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Django, I really appreciate this.
:'''Django''': The offer to join us?
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': No. You're sticking out your hand like an idiot.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': Manny, red hot lava! Getting close, but no pressure!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': ''[to Django]'' Just wait till your mother hears about this.

===''A Fistful of Nickels / Animales! (1.18)''===
:'''Rodolfo''': Manuel Pablo Gutierrez O'Brian Equihua Rivera, I am VERY disappointed in you. You have to learn to be responsible.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': How ''DARE'' you steal from me you little maggot!
:'''Frida''': He was stupid enough.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Sartana, face the power of… The Riveras! And Frida.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': ''[cackling]'' Fools! Death ''always'' wins in the end!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Dropped in the belly of the beast.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': There's only ''one'' way to escape this monster and destroy Sartana. Our ultimate weapon: the ''Caliente'' Catapult of Carnage!
:''[Frida gasps upon hearing this]''
:'''Grandpapi/Puma Loco''': No…it's too dangerous!
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': I won't risk…my only son!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Dad… I know I messed up. I sent Señor Chapi to bird heaven, and I wrecked the house… twice. But please, let me show you I can be a hero. I ''will'' make you proud.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': ''[sighs]'' What am I going to do with that boy?
:'''Grandpapi''': Don't worry, someday Manny will be a truly great villain.
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Hero, he'll be a hero!
:'''Frida''': So, what now?
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Oh, uh, maybe, uhh… Hide Sartana's loot and tell my dad it disappeared?
:'''Frida''': Dude, you are an artist.

===''Tigre + Cuervo Forever / The Thing That Ate Frida's Brain (1.19)''===
:'''Frida''': Dude, why so mopey? You're acting like they just outlawed churros. ''[gasps]'' They didn't, did they?
:'''Manny''': My dad is super mad at me. I totally been messing up with him lately.
:'''Frida''': Do tell. ''[grabs and pulls him by the shirt collar; shouting]'' I SAID TELL!
:'''Manny''': Okay, okay! Like, yesterday, me and dad were doing a little crime-fighting.
:''[Flashback to yesterday at Miguels Jewels…]''
:'''Dr. Chipotle Sr.''': ''[walking out of the vault with a handful of gold and jewels, and sees White Pantera in front of him]'' You do not have a chance. Dr Chipotle Sr's son is sneaking up behind you.
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': That's where you're wrong. Because ''my'' son has taken care of him. Right, Manny? Manny?
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[playing a video game]'' I'm on it, Dad. High Score!
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': ''[annoyed]'' Ah, I see.
:'''Manny''': And later, me and dad caught El Oso robbing a factory… an underpants factory.
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': El Oso, drop those drawers! ''[Manny bursts out with uncontrollable laughter; confused]'' What? What's so funny? ''[El Oso rises up from behind him and gives him a wedgie]''
:''[Flashback ends]''
:'''Manny''': You try to keep a straight face in a room full of pink thongs.
:'''Frida''': Dude, preaching to the choir.
:'''Manny''': How am I gonna make it up to him?
:'''Frida''': You could clean your room. ''[Manny annoyingly looks at her]'' Sorry, talking crazy.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Just heading out to check with my &quot;anonymous source.&quot; Who might have information that could help you prevent crimes.
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': ''[agitated]'' Manny… I can't even ''LOOK'' at you right now. Seriously, it pulls my hair.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Voltura''': Make yourself at home, El Tigre.
:'''Lady Gobbler''': Yes. It's so nice to have you ''here.''
:'''Black Cuervo''': Wow. They ''totally'' hate you. Don't eat anything.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Black Cuervo''': I thought you liked me, but you were just ''USING'' ME!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[whispering a little quicker]'' Cuervo, you're totally right. I'm sorry I treated you so lousy, but I'm going to make it up to you.
:'''Black Cuervo''': ''[scoffs]'' How?
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': This fight. I'm gonna let ''you'' win.
:'''Black Cuervo''': ''[angered shock]'' LET ME WIN?!
:'''Frida''': Ooh, bad call.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': I'll yank that puppy off you with a little… ''[changes into El Tigre]'' Tigre power!
:'''Frida''': Zombie not bad, Manny. Frida ''like'' zombie.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': You may feel a pinch.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''General Chapuza''': So, zombies cannot dance, eh? Now, El Tigre. We will show you the error of your ways.

===''Stinking Badges / Mech Daddy (1.20)''===
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Check out what's at the museum… The Golden Mustache of the Pharaohs. The Mustache Mafia are totally gonna… ''[notices Frida looking gloomy with guilt]'' Hey, what's wrong?
:'''Frida''': Nothing. It's just… lying to my dad like this…
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Oh, you feeling a little guilty?
:'''Frida''': No, of course not. Guilty, me? ''[laughs]'' I laugh. Guilt slides off me like water off a duck's back. A filthy, stinking, no-good Duck who lies to her dad.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Wait a minute!
:'''Emiliano''': You stay out of this, Rivera! She lied to me.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Yeah, she lied… but only 'cause she wanted to be a good cadet so you'd like her more.
:'''Emiliano''': What?! How could I like her more?! I ''love'' my Frida. She is… my Frida.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Adios, Giant Robot Sanchez!

===''The Return of Plata Peligrosa / Chupacabros! (1.21)''===
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Doesn't your mother look pretty?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Mom, are you okay? ''[points to the glove]'' Get your hand off my mom!
:'''Maria''': Manny, it's not what you think.
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Maria, you said the glove was destroyed in the jaws of the Robasura.
:'''Maria''': I thought it was. ''[Flashback to El Tigre's last battle with the glove]'' But a few days later, it showed up on my doorstep, hurt and scared. I just couldn't turn it away. As I nursed it back health, I realized the glove was good inside. Tests in my home lab showed that if I wore the glove for only ''one'' hour at a time, I could control the danger mania. Even a few seconds more, and I become…unstable. So, the glove and I made a deal. ''[Flashback ends]'' I will use my Plata Peligrosa powers to help those in need but when my watch alarm sounds, it ''must'' get off my hand. Right, &quot;Glovey?&quot;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': That's great, Mom.
:'''Frida''': You have a home lab?
:'''Maria''': Now, I can help my boys out in a crisis.
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': ''[dreamily]'' You called me handsome.
:'''Maria''': Rodolfo, don't listen to what I say when I'm wearing the glove. I'm not myself. ''[Rodolfo puckers up his lips to kiss her; puts her hand on his mouth]'' You and I always be just friends.
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Of course. I understand completely. ''[Maria walks off]'' She called me handsome!
:'''Frida''': Wow, your mom and dad, a crime-fighting team. Maybe they'll get back together. ''[imitates kissing while rubbing Señor Chapi's head]'' Oh, Rodolfo, you're so handsome.
:'''Señor Chapi''': ''[touched while blushing]'' Ah, ''viva pantalones.''
:'''Manny''': Cut it out, Frida. We both know my parents are better off apart.
:'''Frida''': Yeah, but does your dad know?
:'''Manny''': Sure he does. Probably. Down deep. Anyway, as long as he keeps his mind off beautifying the city.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo''': Maria, we have been seeing a lot of each other lately, and… No, that's not right. ''[clears throat]'' ''Mi vida,'' I, that is, um… I need to ask you, will you have coffee with me?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': Can I get anybody anything? Soft drink? Cheese toast?
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[offering her the alarm watch]'' Hide this.
:'''Frida''': But without the alarm, your mom's gonna go all danger-crazy.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Exactly.
:''[Frida hides the alarm watch in her goggles]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': You know what's funny? If not for this inexplicable string of crimes and disasters, I would have been beautifying the city with Manny and Frida instead of… Giving them lots of money?
:''[Money flies out of Frida's goggles]''
:'''Frida''': How you doing?

===''Love and War / Wrong and Dance (1.22)''===
:'''Sergio''': What's he say?
:'''Diego''': I don't know. But it's obvious that Frida…likes Manny.
:'''Both''': ''[enraged with a background of fire]'' '''I MUST CRUSH HIM!!!'''
:'''Diego''': I will dispose of Manny and make it look like an accident.
:'''Sergio''': And once he's gone, I will make Frida mine. I will sweep her feet off…
:'''Diego''': No, I will.
:'''Sergio''': No, me.
:'''Diego''': Me!
:'''Sergio''': Me!
:'''Diego''': Me, me, ME!
:'''Sergio''': Me, me, ME!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': This is my chance to show those girls how macho I am for real! ''[Makes a girly face and claps]'' Yay!
:'''Frida''': Yeah…he's gonna need a macho coach.

===''Oso Solo Mio / Silver Wolf (1.23)''===
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Frida! Missed you at the concert tonight.
:'''Frida''': Oh, was that tonight?
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Guess you couldn't make it 'cause you were too busy STABBING ME IN THE BACK!
:'''Frida''': I didn't stab you anywhere.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': How could you?! You haven't seen me all week!
:'''Frida''': Sure, I have.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Oh yeah? What did I bring to school for lunch yesterday?
:'''Frida''': FOOD!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Lucky guess.
:'''Frida''': You're just mad because for once, ''I'm'' not your sidekick.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[angrily gets in her face]'' Yeah. You're ''his'' sidekick!
:'''Frida''': Nuh-uh, I'm not his, &quot;front-kick!&quot;
:'''Silver Wolf''': Get out of her face.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Make me, tin puppy!
:'''Silver Wolf''': Make me make you.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Make me make you make me!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Silver Wolf''': Here… ''[hands Frida his whip]'' ''Finish'' him.
:'''Frida''': ''[incredulous]'' What?
:'''Silver Wolf''': It's time for you to choose, Frida… El Tigre or me?
:'''Frida''': ''[nonchalantly]'' El Tigre. ''[takes off her biker helmet]''
:'''Silver Wolf''': Yes, though it may be agonizing you must decide between… what?
:'''Frida''': El Tigre, duh, no brainer.
:'''Silver Wolf''': You can't ''DO'' that!
:'''Frida''': Can, did.

===''The Cuervo Project / The Golden Eagle Twins (1.24)''===
:'''Zoe''': ''[to Manny, sweetly]'' Hello, Manny. ''[to Frida, annoyingly]'' Hello, Frida.
:''[Frida growls angrily]''
:'''Manny''': Come on, Frida. Zoe isn't that bad.
:'''Frida''': No? What about the time she sawed through the legs of my stool chair?
:'''Manny''': When was that?
:'''Frida''': Now. ''[falls on the ground, revealing Zoe already did it as she snickers]''
:'''Manny''': Uh, maybe she's changed since then?
:'''Frida''': I will make Zoe Aves suffer! I will humiliate her! I WILL HAVE '''''REVENGE!''''' And by &quot;I&quot;, I mean, &quot;we.&quot;
:'''Manny''': Sure, what are friends for?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': ''[annoyingly suspicious]'' Are you talking to your wrist?
:'''Zoe''': No… yes. Uh, I have to go, uh, somewhere, for… a reason. ''[zips away]''
:'''Frida''': She's hiding something.
:'''Manny''': Why? There's nothing wrong with talking to your wrist.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Black Cuervo''': Zoe Aves is NOTHING to me. Watch as I drop her into her ''OWN'' volcano!
:'''Frida''': Dude, I don't like it either, but that is harsh.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': ''[hanging on while screaming]'' Hey, I can see my house from here. ''[resumes screaming]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': The whole city still loves the twins, and I get blamed for everything.

===''Dia de los Padres / Mustache Love (1.25)''===
:'''Manny''': Only one sack of glitter left!
:''[Manny and Dr. Chipotle Jr. grab the glitter sack at the same time and fight over it]''
:'''Dr. Chipotle Jr.''': SWINE! Get your hands off my glitter!
:'''Manny''': It's mine!
:'''Dr. Chipotle Jr.''': Mine!
:'''Manny''': Mine!
:'''Dr. Chipotle Jr.''': Mine!
:'''Manny''': ''MINE!''
:''[They rip the sack off on opposite sides, causing glitter to sprinkle]''
:'''Dr. Chipotle Jr.''': YOU WILL PAY FOR… ''[sighs with depression]'' What's the point? May last hope for Father's Day is gone. And my father is already in a rotten mood. Because he keeps getting defeated by ''YOUR'' FATHER!
:'''Manny''': Yeah, my dad's in a lousy mood too.
:'''Dr. Chipotle Jr.''': ''[romantically to Frida]'' Why, Miss Suarez. I must say you are looking lovely today.
:'''Manny''': Oh, now I won't even have a lame present for my dad.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dr. Chipotle Sr. Sr.''': Do I blast the furry one or the one that looks like me?
:'''Dr. Chipotle Sr.''': ''[points to El Tigre]'' The furry one!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': Three, two, one. ''[Manny and Sophia scream in pain after Raul and Browsia detach themselves off their faces and fly away]'' I love weddings.

===''Back to Escuela / No Boots, No Belt, No Brero (1.26)''===
:'''Grandpapi''': The Golden Grasshopper of Guadalupe. The Bronze Bee of Baja. The Dryer-lint Dragonfly of Durango. All I need to complete collection is… The cursed Silver Scorpion of Sonora. And the best part is… the scorpion is on display at Manny's school tomorrow!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': ''[upset and heartbroken]'' Grandpapi? You… You ''lied'' to me? You didn't come to school to help me. You were after the scorpion all along.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Grandpapi''': Curse is on ''YOU,'' Señor Poker!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[last and final lines of the series]''
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Very good.
:'''Grandpapi/Puma Loco''': Well rockin'!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Now ''that'' was family fun!
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Yes, ''mijo.''
:'''Frida''': ''[lands in Manny's hands]'' Kiss me, you fool! ''[kisses Manny in the lips]''
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Familia forever!

==Cast==
* Manny Rivera/El Tigre ({{w|Alanna Ubach}})
* Frida Suárez ({{w|Grey DeLisle}})
* Rodolfo Rivera/White Pantera ({{w|Eric Bauza}})
* Grandpapi/Puma Loco ({{w|Carlos Alazraqui}})
* Maria Rivera/Plata Peligrosa ({{w|April Stewart}})

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
{{DEFAULTSORT:Tigre, El}}
[[Category:2000s American animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2000s Nickelodeon original series]]
[[Category:Flash animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated action TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated drama TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy TV shows]]
[[Category:American children's animated superhero TV shows]]
[[Category:Teen superhero TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Nicktoons]]
[[Category:Animated TV shows about teenagers]]
[[Category:TV shows about tigers]]</text>
      <sha1>18rzajxi4nywq2c5k0coszh8raha4g4</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153649</id>
      <parentid>3153647</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T19:59:56Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>162.197.99.132</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* The Grave Escape (1.14) */</comment>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="58017" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''{{w|El Tigre: The Adventures of Manny Rivera}}''''' is an American animated television series created by {{w|Jorge R. Gutierrez}} and {{w|Sandra Equihua}} for {{w|Nickelodeon}}.

==Episodes==
===''Sole of a Hero / Night of the Living Guacamole (1.01)''===
:''[First scene of the series; Rodolfo returns home, finding Manny and Frida laying in the living room, both looking bored]''
:'''Rodolfo''': Manny, I'm home. How are you kids doing?
:'''Manny and Frida''': Bored.
:'''Frida''': There's nothing fun to do.
:'''Rodolfo''': Fun is what you make of it. For instance, today I battled giant squid creatures trying to steal the Jeweled Mule of Maya. Fun. The leader escaped with the mule, but I will find him. This I swear!
:'''Frida''': I thought you quit superheroing.
:'''Rodolfo''': Technically, I'm retired. But as long as there is evil, and I am young and vital enough to oppose it, I will.
:'''Manny''': You're super macho.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': You were right. Watching you dad sleep ''is'' less boring than TV.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo''': Manny, what are you up to?
:'''Manny''': Oh, nothing. Helping the poor. ''[dashes away to his room]''
:'''Rodolfo''': Ah, the poor. Very good.
:'''Manny''': ''[sitting under his bed sheets, turns on his flashlight, looking through a magazine]'' Oh, man, this so good.
:'''Rodolfo''': ''[bursting in]'' MANNY! ''[Manny screams]'' I just spoke to the poor, and you have ''not'' been helping them.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': He saved us all from the evil guacamole!
:'''Rodolfo''': Thank you, Man- wait, what evil guacamole?
:'''Frida''': Duh. The free stuff we got from that creepy old lady so Manny could use your money to buy the tattoo maker. ''[realizing what she said]'' Dang.
:'''Rodolfo''': Manuel Pablo Gutierrez O'Brian Equihua Rivera, what is going on here?!
:'''Frida''': We can explain everything. See, there were these aliens, and then they grabbed my face…
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[sighs with guilt]'' No, Frida, it's time to tell the truth. ''[45 minutes later…]'' And worst of all, I made you guys miss the big game.
:'''Rodolfo''': So, you stole money from me and you lied. But, you also risked your life to save us and then told the truth. ''[thinks for a second]'' Let's see, what would be an appropriate punishment?

===''Enter the Cuervo / Fistful of Collars (1.02)''===
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[whispering from outside]'' Frida!
:'''Frida''': ''[wakes up and gets up from her bed to the window; whispering]'' Where have you been?!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': I'm only six hours late.
:'''Frida''': You're ''two days'' and six hours late! The party is tomorrow. Now, GO HOME! ''[turns off the light and goes back to sleep]''
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Frida? Frida? ''[screams]'' FRIDA!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': Uh, Frida? I brought you the piñata.
:'''Frida''': You did? Oh, Manny, I  I knew… ''[shocked to see Manny's poorly made piñata]'' ''This'' is my awesome birthday piñata?
:'''Manny''': Ye…abe?
:''[Piñata rips revealing what was inside]''
:'''Frida''': Pretzels and a dirty sock?!
:'''Manny''': It still needs some fine-tuning.
:'''Frida''': Where have you been the last two days?! What kind of piñata is this?! WHAT'S THE SQUARE ROOT OF NINE?!
:'''Manny''': Square root?
:'''Frida''': I need help with my math homework, which you would know if you were any kind of friend!
:'''Manny''': If ''you'' were any kind of friend, you'd know… ''[takes off his eye patch and throws it on the ground]'' I STINK AT MATH!
:'''Frida''': You just plain STINK!
:'''Manny''': Hey, if you're such a great friend, why'd I make you such a lousy piñata?!
:'''Frida''': Well, since you're ''no'' kind of friend, you… you're… UNINVITED to my party!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': No one can help you now, chica!
:'''Black Cuervo''': Think again, ''hero!'' ''[opens a slot on her wrist brace with a red button inside and pushes it; sound effect of a bird's cry echoes, Lady Gobbler and Voltura fly into sight, landing on both sides of her; They grab both her hands and fly off]'' Party while you can, El Tigre! I shall have my revenge on you! VENDETTA!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': ''[searching through the garbage can]'' Oooh! A broken yo-yo! Buffalo jerky! ''[gasps]'' And two doorknobs.
:'''Frida''': Behold! Perfectly good roller skates made from household garbage.
:'''Manny''': It's like my dad says, &quot;You don't need money to have fun.&quot;
:'''Frida''': I even made a safety gear.
:'''Manny''': Now all we need is another pair of skates.
:'''Frida''': Pssh. We don't need anything!
:'''Manny''': This is gonna be awesome if we survive.
:''[Camera zooms out revealing the two on top of a hill through the window of a plane]''
:'''Pilot''': And on the right of the plane, you can see Manny and Frida about to do something stupid.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': So, all that work really paid off.
:'''Frida''': Your dad was totally wrong. You ''do'' need money to have fun. Luxeblades, reverse somersault!
:'''Manny''': Luxeblades, give a beat, low rider style.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': I think we did the right thing. Like my dad says, &quot;You don't need money to have fun.&quot;
:'''Frida''': ''[takes out the household garbage-made roller skates she kept]'' And check it out, I still have these.
:'''Manny''': This is gonna be awesome if we survive!

===''Fool's Goal / El Tigre El Jefe (1.03)''===
:'''Grandpapi''': ''[sighs]'' What has become of my Matadors? When I played, we beat ''every'' team in the league.
:'''General Chapuza''': ''[laughs]'' Not every team.
:'''Grandpapi''': Aye! General Chapuza, you old nemesis, you.
:'''General Chapuza''': Your Miracle City matadors have never beaten my Calavera zombies. And this year will be ''no'' different. Especially with me coaching a team led by my grandson, Che.
:'''Che''': Grandfather, when may I torment and destroy the Matadors?
:'''General Chapuza''': ''[patting his grandson's head]'' Soon, my grandson, soon.
:'''Grandpapi''': This year, the Matadors will ''defeat'' the zombies! THIS I SWEAR!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Grandpapi''': Back in my day, Miracle City won ''every'' trophy imaginable. Except for the League Championship.
:'''Frida''': And we're not gonna win it this year with no-cheaty-petey coaching us.
:'''Grandpapi''': Then I will not have my revenge on General Chapuza. Oh, well. Nothing we can ado about it, ''sí?''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': I couldn't do it. As much as I wanted that trophy, honor was more important.
:'''Rodolfo''': Yes, ''mijo.'' And someday, people will respect you from this decision. But for now… ''[dashes away]'' '''RUN!!!'''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': I am here to help. I am here to help.
:'''Frida''': Dude, that's starting to creep me out.
:'''Mrs. Lupita''': Aaron, you haven't done your homework in weeks. This is it. Turn in your assignment tomorrow, or you will be '''''EXPELLED!'''''
:'''Aaron''': No more school? Wow, thanks.
:'''Mrs. Lupita''': Young man, you need ''help.''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mrs. Lupita''': Class, not only did Aaron ''do'' his homework, ''[chuckles]'' he got a perfect score on today's pop quiz! ''[places a gold star on Aaron's forehead]''
:'''Aaron''': This one's for you, Manny! Thanks for helping.
:''[The class cheers for Manny]''
:'''Frida''': You did a good thing, dude. ''[gives Manny a thumbs up]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sergio''': Somebody should really do something about that guy, huh?
:'''Frida''': Yeah. Somebody ''should.'' ''[gathers everybody in a janitor's closet]'' People, I want Help-zilla out, and the old Manny back. And Sergio here has an idea how we can do it.
:'''Sergio''': ''[stepping into the light]'' I believe I know someone who can help. Someone who can…''show'' El Tigre the error of his ways.
:'''Frida''': Like a counselor, right?
:'''Sergio''': ''[laughs]'' Yes. A counselor. ''[starts laughing maniacally]'' Uh, I, uh, I just remembered a joke.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[impressed by the carving statue of himself]'' Man, I look good.
:'''Boy''': You look like a BULLY!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[turns around, seeing Frida and everybody staring angrily at him]'' Frida? What is this?
:'''Frida''': Manny, there's someone I want you to talk to. Where's Sergio's friend?
:'''Señor Sinestro''': ''[drops down in front]'' Here!
:'''Frida''': Ooh, this ''may'' have been a mistake.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': Pst.
:'''Manny''': You would say that.
:'''Frida''': I swear I didn't mean for this to happen, Manny. You've gotta help us.
:'''Manny''': I ''was'' helping. How could you do this to me? Don't you know you can't force people to change?
:'''Frida''': Yeah, I know that. Do you?
:'''Manny''': Of course, I- ''[realizes]'' Oh… This, this is all my fault.

===''Zebra Donkey / Adios Amigos (1.04)''===
:''[Rivera house; Manny and Frida stand in front of Zebra Donkey's grave after his death of being poisoned by bananas]''
:'''Manny''': ''[places a flower on Zebra Donkey's grave; breaking down sadly]'' It is as if, I have lost a brother. A striped, long-eared brother. And it's all my fault!
:'''Frida''': Um, Manny? The Zebra Donkey fiesta spectacular is tomorrow.
:'''Manny''': ''[shouting]'' THIS IS NO TIME TO TALK ABOUT PARTIES! ''[calms down]'' I'm sorry, I just need some time to grieve.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': You sure about this?
:'''Manny''': I gotta get Zebra Donkey back! He's my best… ''[realizes]'' my second best friend.
:'''Frida''': Nice say, dude.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': Thieves!
:'''Frida''': ''[through gritted teeth]'' ''Never'' say, &quot;What could go wrong?&quot;
:'''Sartana''': Steal from me ''and'' give me a bad makeover?! You will PAY!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': Manny, you've gotta smash Sartana's guitar. It'll make her crumble to dust, ''and'' her banditos!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': And Zebra Donkey.
:'''Frida''': Oh, yeah.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': I can't lose him again! I just can't! There has to be another way!
:'''Frida''': Hypnosis. Time machine. Pixie dust.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Zebra Donkey sacrificed himself…
:'''Frida''': To save us all.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo''': ''[clears throat]'' When your mother and I got married, I had less time with the Titan. Then we had you, and the decision was clear. My family was more important to me than my partnership with the Titan. So we went our separate ways.
:'''Manny''': What happened to him?
:'''Rodolfo''': He couldn't make it as a solo superhero. Eventually, he left town, and turned to a life of crime. And he blamed ''you'' for his misfortunes.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': ''[making a rice-shaped sculpture of Frida's head during lunch]'' What's that you say, Rice Frida? You miss me? I miss you, too.

===''The Mother of All Tigres / Old Money (1.05)''===
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Now, Manny, we have work to do. The divine angel who is your mother is coming to visit! And we must…clean up this mess, at once!
:'''El Oso''': Why, man?
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Oh, you gotta hear this story! ''[Flashback begins with his parents walking through the park with him as a baby in a baby carriage]'' When my folks first got married, Mom used to think Dad being White Pantera was cool. Then, one day…
:'''Rodolfo''': ''[changes into his White Pantera persona and runs over to stop El Mal Verde]'' Halt, fiend! So says, White- ''[gets smashed repeatedly by El Mal Verde's metal club; El Mal Verde laughs and walks away; holds up a thumbs up, bruised and beaten as Maria runs over to him, carrying baby Manny]''
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': It was the first time she saw my dad get hurt, and she totally lost it.
:''[Maria starts hyperventilating]''
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Maria didn't want me to be a superhero anymore. She couldn't stand to see me in danger. But I could not ignore the crisp, clean refreshing call of crime fighting! It was in my blood! ''[Maria watches her husband getting beaten by the giant creatures, starts hyperventilating, pulls her hair, and screams]'' In the end, she could not stand it anymore. ''[next scene shows Maria packing up her stuff as he starts tearing up]'' She had to… ''[sobs]'' ''leave'' me! 
:'''Maria''': ''[gives Manny a sweet kiss and stands outside the front door as Rodolfo looks on with sadness]'' I'm sorry, but I married the man, not the mask.
:''[The door closes in front of her and Granpapi enters a split second later]''
:'''Grandpapi''': I moved in to make sure Rodolfo and Manny would be okay. Also because I crashed my evil headquarters of evil. Maria's career as a mariachi singer took off after that. She traveled the world, performing for adoring fans everywhere, even Luxembourg! Manny goes to visit her every month.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': I got my El Tigre belt after Mom went on tour. ''[spins his belt buckle and changes into El Tigre; flashback ends]'' And I, uh…haven't had a chance to tell her about it yet.
:'''Frida''': Dude, she is gonna freak when she finds out!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': I know. So that's why we gotta clean. If my mom sees all this wreckage, she'll know we've been doing superhero stuff, and she'll freak out.
:'''El Oso''': ''[agitated]'' I just asked why you gotta hide stuff! You don't gotta tell me your whole story, man!
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Hurry! Maria will be here tomorrow! And I will once again behold a sweet goddess without whom my life has become a pit of misery. And who I never think about anymore.
:'''Grandpapi''': Didn't I tell you? Maria called to say she's coming early. She should be here in about, eh… no minutes.
:''[The doorbell rings and Rodolfo freezes in fear]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Leone Middle School; Manny and Frida are in Vice Principal Chakal's office, covered in green slime]'' 
:'''Vice Principal Chakal''': Do you have any idea how many detentions you have?
:'''Manny''': Uh, 10?
:'''Vice Principal Chakal''': 136! Since there ''aren't'' enough days left in the year to ''serve'' all these, you must either work them off by doing community service, or… SPEND TWO MONTHS IN OUR SUMMER DETENTION CAMP IN THE NONAGUA DESERT!
:'''Frida''': Community service doesn't sound so bad.
:'''Vice Principal Chakal''': Oh, it won't be so bad. It will be…''SO BAD!'' Your options are… clean up after frog dissections, shovel cafeteria gristle, de-clog toilets, or…leave school early to volunteer at an old folk's home!
:'''Manny and Frida''': ''[sobbing]'' NO!
:'''Manny''': I'm sorry. Did you say leave school early?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[After Manny and Frida load Sartana's loot into El Tarantula's loot cart and blast a hole open with Mano Negra's Glove of Doom, they soon realize they're not even moving]''
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Uh, why aren't we moving?
:''[They turn around and see Sartana holding onto the attached jet pack on the cart]''
:'''Sartana''': Fools! ''[cackles]'' ''No one'' steals from Sartana of the Dead!
:''[Manny and Frida scream in terror and Sartana strums her mystic guitar, opening the cell doors for her skeleton banditos to attack]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': I love those guys.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[picking the cell lock]'' They lied to us so we'd rob Sartana for them.
:'''Frida''': ''[in the same happy tone as before]'' I hate those guys.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': You're like a pathetic piñata! Let's see if you're full of candy!

===''The Late Manny Rivera / Party Monsters (1.06)''===
:'''Emiliano''': It must be the boy's fault!
:'''Rodolfo''': Clearly, it is Frida's fault. She is a trouble making, goggle-wearer!
:''[As the parents argue over whose fault it is, Manny and Frida get up from their seats and start to walk away]''
:'''Manny''': Well, it looks like you guys…
:'''Parents''': Sit down!
:''[Manny and Frida quickly sit back in their seats]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo''': Manuel Pablo Gutierrez O'Brian Equihua Rivera, if you get expelled, we are going to send you to a charm school.
:'''Maria''': In Switzerland.
:''[Manny opens his mouth to scream, but is confused to see his grandpapi doing it]''
:'''Grandpapi''': '''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!''' No grandson of mine is going to a charm school! ''Or'' to Switzerland! It is.... unnatural.
:'''Rodolfo''': Nonsense! It will be good for Manny. They will teach him punctuality, etiquette, and how to knit cute little tea cozies.
:'''Manny and Grandpapi''': '''''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''
:'''Maria''': I'm sorry, mijo, but you have to take responsibility for your actions. Make us proud.
:''[Manny walks remorsefully into his bedroom a little later and closes the door behind him]''
:'''Frida''': ''[kicks Manny's bedroom door down]'' If I get expelled, my parents are gonna send me to military school! Can you think of anything worse?
:'''Manny''': Charm school.
:'''Frida''': This is serious, dude. If we get sent to different schools, we'll never see each other again. We ''cannot'' be late tomorrow.
:'''Manny''': Right. We got work to do.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Vice Principal Chakal''': I was finally going to be rid of him!
:'''Sergio''': I was finally going to be rid of him!
:'''Vice Principal Chakal''': ''[enraged at Sergio]'' YOU'RE LATE! ''500'' DETENTIONS!!
:''[Sergio reacts with horror and dismay]''
:'''Frida''': Everything worked out great, Manny. There's just ''one'' problem.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': My shattered spine?
:'''Frida''': We gotta keep getting here on time every day for the rest of the year.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': Banned from the video arcade?!
:'''Frida''': We were just cooling the place off for him. Is that gratitude?
:'''Manny''': Aw, man. It's like a million degrees out and we got nothing to do now. Except, well, you know.
:'''Frida''': Watch pigeons explode from the heat? ''[A pigeon explodes off-screen]'' Yeah, I just hope I don't get a beak stuck in my hair this time.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Thought you could use a trim.

===''The Mustache Kid / Puma Licito (1.07)''===
:'''Manny''': You sure about this?
:'''Frida''': Yeah. Mucho-grow plant food. The bottle says it'll make anything grow.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': Well, you do look older. ''[Manny looks at her, angrily; shrugs nervously]'' Gehhh…
:'''Manny''': I would give anything for a mustache! '''''ANYTHING!!!''''' ''[echoes]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': You know, Frida, I really learned… ''[screams loudly in pain]'' EE-YOOOOW!!!! ''[falls on his back]''
:'''Frida''': Well said, dude. Well said.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo''': We need to discuss the possibility of… Grandpapi moving out of the house.
:'''Manny''': ''[hearing his parents' conversation through the walls]'' No! He ''can't'' leave! Grandpapi isn't a bad influence on me.
:'''Frida''': How'd you learn to eavesdrop like this?
:'''Manny''': Grandpapi taught me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo''': ''[takes a sip of coffee]'' Papi.
:'''Grandpapi''': ''[takes sip of coffee]'' Rodolfo.
:'''Rodolfo''': ''[takes sip of coffee]'' Papi.
:'''Grandpapi''': ''[takes sip of coffee]'' Rodolfo.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Grandpapi''': How could a newspaper bring such lies?! I will make them pay '''''DEARLY!'''''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Grandpapi''': The ''policia'' love me? What have I done? WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?

===''Miracle City Worker / Dia de los Malos (1.08)''===
:'''Maria''': Manny, I have a surprise for you.
:'''Manny''': You mean we didn't come to the Miracle City Mint just to watch the criminals drool?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Manny and Maria have lunch together at Burritos Explosivos]''
:'''Manny''': Thanks, Mom. Burritos Explosivos is my favorite!
:'''Maria''': ''[sees a bull's head on the wall]'' Oh, ''mijo,'' look. Remember when you were younger and that bull used to freak you out?
:'''Manny''': Mom, I was a little kid, then.
:''[An explosion blows the bull's head in Manny's lap, causing him to scream terrifyingly]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': I can't believe it. They turned down every chance to steal, pillage, and punch me in the face. Maybe they really ''do'' want to change.
:'''Frida''': Yeah. Hey, how about I heat some churros. That'll cheer you up.
:'''Manny''': No, Frida. I wanna watch my mother change people for the good.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': The churros. ''[cries]'' The churros! TAKE ME INSTEAD!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dr. Chipotle Sr.''': Dr Chipotle Sr. is going to be sick. ''[Frida stuffs a churro in his mouth to shut him up, causing him to have an allergic reaction]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Newscaster''': Breaking News: We interrupt the Celebration of Heroes to take you to the Celebration of Heroes. Sartana of the Dead is attacking the convention center.
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Forget it, Sartana. You'll never get in!
:'''Sartana''': I don't have to. Because ''you'll'' never get out! ''[cackles as she strums her mystic guitar, creating an unbreakable force field around the convention center, trapping everyone]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': Soon, Quetzalcoatl's Stone will be mine! Combined with my mystic guitar, '''I WILL RULE THE WORLD!''' ''[she and her ''banditos'' enter the Hall of Gems]'' At last, I will have the power I need to… ''[gasps as she finds the stone being replaced by a rubber duck]''
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': This what you're looking for?
:'''Sartana''': Impudent boy, that stone is mine! ''Banditos,'' END THEM!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': Fool! Did you really think I would give you my mystic guitar? Listen well to the music of your DOOM! ''[strums a broomstick]''
:'''Frida''': You gotta keep an eye on your stuff when there's no cops around.

===''Yellow Pantera / Rising Son (1.09)''===
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': It's not nice to spit lies about my father!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': Those jerks insulted the Rivera family name! They made up some crazy story about dad running away from a guy called El Mal Verde.
:'''Maria''': ''[gasps in horrified shock]'' El Mal Verde.
:'''Frida''': Who is this guy? He sounds like bad salsa.
:'''Maria''': El Mal Verde is the biggest, meanest, most vicious ''bandito'' of all time! Every 10 years, he comes down from the peak of Mount ''Tortura'' and attacks Miracle City. Once, some superheroes went to stop him, but they… ''[starts to hyperventilate]'' Then your father, he went up, too, and…
:'''Manny''': And? AND?!
:'''Maria''': ''[gasping and panting]'' And…you should talk to him about it.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Manny angrily kicks the library doors opened and enters]''
:'''Maria''': Oh. You spoke to your father?
:'''Manny''': Huh, you mean the coward?!
:'''Maria''': ''[having to hear that; sharped]'' Manny!
:'''Frida''': Harsh.
:'''Manny''': It's true! He ran from a fight! He tarnished our family name, Mom!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': There's only ''one'' way I can save the Rivera name from disgrace. ''[walks towards the window]'' I must defeat El Mal Verde ''myself!''
:'''Maria''': You will do no such thing!
:'''Frida''': That dude is ''way'' dangerous!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': It's been 10 years. So El Mal Verde's due to attack Miracle City again. And if the coward that is my father won't stop him, it's up to me. ''[heads over to El Mal Verde's mountain peak]''
:'''Maria''': Manny, come back!
:'''Frida''': Want me to stay behind and protect your mom, OK.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[climbing up to the top of El Mal Verde's mountain peak]'' Why'd they have to put the mountain's peak all the way at the top?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''Capitán Águila's'' Helmet of Power, ''Loba Roja's'' heat ray, dude needs to floss.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[finds his dad's wallet and knows the truth]'' Dad didn't run away 'cause he was scared to fight. He ran away 'cause he was scared of leaving me and mom alone! Papa! I'm sorry! I know you're no coward. You can beat him! I believe in you, Dad!

===''Curse of the Ablino Burrito / La Tigresa (1.10)''===
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': The little donkey boy is trying to stop the giant robot? ''[Manny and Frida nod yes]'' Then he's our only hope. Go, little donkey boy. GO!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Davi, you can maybe do it!
:'''Frida''': All right, Davi! Hit… anything!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': ''[after Frida throws a potato at her in the face]'' A potato? That's the best you can do?
:'''Frida''': Um…yes?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': ''[snatches the magazine out of Frida's hands]'' La Tigresa? Claws, a tail, and a belt? She's totally copying my whole…me! ''[rips up the magazine]'' What kind of low-down, bottom feeder steals a guy's GUY?!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': I've been needing a new guitar strap for a long time now. So, this must be the tenth time I've captured you this month.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': ''[looks down at his waist, seeing his belt is gone; gasps]'' My belt! Wha…? ''[compares the newspaper of Frida's bear incident and the magazine of her as La Tigresa]'' Frida's La Tigresa! Man, the blue hair totally should've tipped me off.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': ''[whispering]'' Can't believe you stole my belt.
:'''Frida''': Manny! How'd you know where I'd be?
:'''Manny''': Are you kidding?! You spend more time here than Sartana does.
:'''Frida''': ''[upset]'' I'm sorry I took your belt, Manny. I wanted to feel powerful, just for once.
:'''Manny''': Then how come you took it for ''twice?''
:'''Frida''': Why are you whispering anyway?
:'''Manny''': So Sartana doesn't hear… ''[gets caught by Sartana and yelps]''
:'''Frida''': MANNY!
:'''Sartana''': Ah, the one true Tigre. You will make a fine skeleton bandito. Once I strip off all your bothersome ''flesh!'' ''[sharpens her razor-sharped claws as Frida frees herself from her cell]'' Now you know how it feels to be powerless, eh?

===''The Ballad of Frida Suarez / Fool Speed Ahead (1.11)''===
:'''Manny''': Want to go to the arcade?
:'''Frida''': Five minutes, tops. ''[transits to Mayan Arcade, nighttime]'' Well, time to go home and write that masterpiece. ''[notices the sky]'' Why is the sky so dark?
:'''Manny''': We were in there for five hours.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': Dude, awesome…underpants.
:'''Manny''': Listen to me. No one must ever know of this, NO ONE!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Frida''': Feel the sting of Sartana's strings. ♫ She tossed El Tigre like a salad / Sartana of the Dead / Listen to my Sartana ballad / Listen to me shred! / She smashed him, and flashed him, and blasted his hair! / She flipped him, and stripped him to his underwear! / ZEBRA DONKEY UNDERWEAR! / Sartana crushed El Tigre like a worm! ♫

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': My dreams are finally coming true! Except for the one where my mom is a giant snail, only she's really a post office.
:'''Manny''': Yeah, that's really, uh, good. Hey, do you think maybe people are getting sick of hearing that same song?
:'''Frida''': ''[gasps]'' What are you trying to do, jinx me?! We're going on ''&quot;Caliente o Basura&quot;'' today, the whole city will be watching!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Manny''': Tough audience, huh?
:'''Frida''': ''[viciously enraged]'' You JINXED ME!
:'''Manny''': What?! You totally trashed me and I ''still'' had your back!
:'''Frida''': Hey, I put your name in an awesome hit song! And what do you do? You jinx me with your jinxy-winxy-backstabbing JINX!
:'''Manny''': Uh-huh. Call me when you remember how to be a friend again.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''C.C. Puede''': We're live from the prison graveyard for the Atomic Sombreros &quot;Back from ''La Muerte''&quot; show! Sartana may be evil incarnate, but she has put together kickin' concert!
:'''Manny''': My worst nightmare is on TV. And it pre-empted wrestling!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': Manny, I'm sorry.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': For being a selfish jerk who cared more about being a rock star than she did about her best friend?!
:'''Frida''': Well, yeah. And for this. ''[kicks the &quot;I&quot; off, letting Manny fall while he screams]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Frida's goggles! NOOOOOOOOO! ''[Frida falls on him]'' You're okay. And I'm not.
:'''Frida''': Yeah, I… ''[gasps]'' My goggles! NOOOOOOOOO! Haven't I paid enough for my rock star jerkiness?!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Uh, no.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Let's get to what we came for.
:'''Grandpapi/Puma Loco''': Yes! It's time… To sign up for the Supervillain Grand Prix!
:'''Voltura''': Puma Loco, this illegal street race is for villains only!
:'''Grandpapi/Puma Loco''': Aren't you saying I am NO VILLAIN, VOLTURA?!
:'''Lady Gobbler''': Not you, the boy! He more like a hero than a villain, lately.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Me? Ha! Would a hero do ''this?'' ''[gives Dr. Chipotle Sr. a wet willy]''
:'''Señor Sinestro''': A wet willy?!
:'''Dr. Chipotle Sr.''': Dr. Chipotle Sr. still feels that El Tigre should be DISQUALIFIED!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': STOP THE CAR!
:'''Grandpapi''': No time for donkey potty!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': Goodnight, sweet prince, and flights of- Hey, a quarter.

===''Miracle City Undercover / Bride of Puma Loco (1.12)''===
:'''Manny''': I'll prove Raul is innocent. He and I will go undercover of the Mustache Mafia and find the mace.
:'''Frida''': You're doing what now?
:'''Manny''': I can handle those mop pinheads. What's the worse that could happen?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': Frida? ''[gasps]'' YOU'RE A CLOSET MIME!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Hey, before you go, I think I figured a less painful way for you to get off my face. ''[Raul springs from Manny's face and flies away]'' For once, would you… YOOOOOOOOOWW! ''[falls flat on his back]''
:'''Frida''': ''[laughs]'' That never stops being funny.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': Why do we have to get all gussied up for dinner?
:'''Maria''': Grandpapi has something important to tell us.
:'''Rodolfo''': Perhaps he's finally getting me that pony he promised me for my 10th birthday!
:''[Flashback to his 10th birthday]''
:'''10-year-old Rodolfo''': A pony? ''[rips open his birthday present, revealing a cactus, gets poked while jumping on it and screams in pain]''
:''[Flashback ends]''
:'''Rodolfo''': I did say perhaps.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Sartana arrives at the Rivera house as she blasts the door with her mystic guitar]''
:'''Frida''': Sartana of the Dead!
:'''Rodolfo''': You ''dare'' intrude upon my father's special day?! ''[rips into his White Pantera ego as Manny changes into El Tigre]''
:'''Grandpapi''': You're making a mistake!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Don't worry, we'll get rid of this filthy garbage before your fiancée gets here. ''[he and White Pantera start charging at Sartana]''
:'''Grandpapi''': ''[blocking the way]'' NO! You no understand. This filthy garbage, she ''is'' my fiancée! ''[he and Sartana hold hands, dreamily]''
:'''Sartana''': Pumey, the love of my afterlife.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': It's like a horrible dream.
:'''Frida''': Or a really romantic nightmare.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ARE YOU ALL ''NUTS?!'' This is Sartana of the Dead, our most dangerous enemy! We ''have'' to stop this!
:'''Maria''': It is Grandpapi's decision. We ''must'' respect it, no matter how unsafe, demented, and revolting it is.
:'''Grandpapi''': Thank you.
:'''Sartana''': Manny, I hope that one day you will call me, ''Grandmami.''
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': &lt;big&gt;'''''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt; ''[continues screaming as time went by and stops]'' Whoa, how long have I been screaming?
:'''Frida''': Eh, a couple hours. We tried to stop you for while, but everyone got tired and went to bed.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Monsterzuma''': WHERE IS JEWEL?!
:'''Maria''': Manny, did you do something?
:'''Manny''': I stole Monsterzuma's jewel so he'd wake up and track it down and destroy the wedding. Hey, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

===''Eye Caramba / Clash of the Titan (1.13)''===
:'''Lady Gobbler''': I here to play the darts!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Yeah? What kind of loot you got?
:'''Lady Gobbler''': ''[takes her glass eye off her face and sets it down on the table]'' This! I bet my glass eye against…your El Tigre belt.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': My belt? Psh. For that? ''[starts walking away]'' Forget it.
:'''Lady Gobbler''': You Riveras are chicken!
:'''Manny''': ''[angrily takes off his El Tigre belt and sets it down on the table]'' My belt against your eye! One dart!
:'''Frida''': But, Manny, you stink without your Tigre powers.
:'''Manny''': Family honor will guide my aim. ''[throws the dart at a photo of Dr. Psyclopsis, missing the target; shaking his fist]'' CURSE YOU, FAMILY HONOR!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Voltura''': He is such a twit. No wonder I broke up with him back when we were teenagers.
:'''Lady Gobbler''': Um…he break up with you?
:'''Voltura''': AS IF I COULD FORGET!!!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Flock of Fury, prepare to be plucked!
:'''Lady Gobbler''': TIME FOR THE FIGHTINGS! The way you treat me all those years ago was UNFORGIVABLE! ''[throws an egg bomb at Puma Loco]''
:'''Grandpapi/Puma Loco''': ''[slices the bomb in half, exploding it]'' Sorry. ''[fires his missiles at Lady Gobbler]''
:'''Lady Gobbler''': Oh, Puma. If you live through the fight, you call me, okay?
:'''Voltura''': &quot;Prepare to be plucked.&quot; Pathetic. No wonder I broke up with you.
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Uh, I broke up with ''you.''
:'''Voltura''': AS IF I COULD FORGET!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo''': We'll demolish evil doers with relentless force!
:'''Manny''': ''[Changes into El Tigre]'' Yeah!
:'''Rodolfo''': While discussing your grades, plans for college and your most private feelings!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': What am I going to do with that boy?

===''The Grave Escape (1.14)''===
:'''Manny''': The Day of the Dead was cool when I was little, but now it's just ''goofy.'' I don't wanna hurt their feelings, but… Sprits? Land of the Dand? Give me a break. ''[his stomach growls]'' What is it about skipping dinner that always makes me hungry?
:'''Frida''': You got me. Good thing there's tons of delicious food right here.
:'''Manny''': Frida, we can't eat my dad's sacred offerings that… ''[gasps]'' Is that real imitation crab? Mmm… Just a nibble.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': The gypsy lady I stole the string from guaranteed it would work!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Grandpapi''': ''¡Mi corazón!'' CLEAR!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': Say hello to my little friends.
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Sartana of the Dead? Attacking on the Day of the Dead?! Actually, that makes sense.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': ''[holding onto Manny, screaming]'' Lucky for us we're already in a coffin. ''[resumes screaming]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Ay, karate! Frida, these are my ancestors. The first Rivera supervillain, Dark Leopard. The first hero, Golden Leon. The Mighty Cheetar, scourge of the Seven Seas. And my great-Grandpapi, Justice Jaguar.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Justice Jaguar''': There is one who has the power to reach the living world, if we can get him to use it: El Tigre.
:''[Dark Leopard and Mighty Cheetar gasp]''
:'''Frida''': ''[confused]'' Wait, who the whats?
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': The original El Tigre. The first Rivera hero or villain. He never decided which.
:'''Frida''': Hey, just like you!
:'''Golden Leone''': The indecision ravaged his mind. He is now naught but a babbling fool.
:'''Frida''': Hey, just like you! 
:''[Manny frowns]''
:'''Justice Jaguar''': Riveras, time to visit El Tigre.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Mighty El Tigre, we need your help. Can you get us to Miracle City?
:'''Original El Tigre''': Why should I? ''[looks up above at the Land of the Living, seeing White Pantera and Puma Loco in trouble]''
:'''Grandpapi/Puma Loco''': Ai-yee! That was my favorite kidney!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Do it for them… White Pantera and Puma Loco. Good or bad, they ''always'' respected your memory.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': ''All'' the Riveras back from the dead?! DESTROY THEM, MY BEAST!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': We've got one chance. We must use our ''ultimate'' weapon… the Rivera Super Macho Blitz!
:''[The Riveras gasp in shock of hearing it]''
:'''Grandpapi/Puma Loco''': But, Manny, no one has ''ever'' survived the blitz!
:'''Justice Jaguar''': I know I didn't.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': I gotta take a chance. If I don't, Sartana will destroy Miracle City! The Rivera bloodline will end! Rivera men, assemble!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Original El Tigre''': You can do it, El Tigre! I believe in you! You are a '''RIVERA!!!'''
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Ancient Tiger Spirit, ''I SUMMON YOU!'' ''[turns into a tiger spirit]''
:'''Grandpapi/Puma Loco''': ''[surprised; to Rodolfo]'' Where'd he learn that?

===''Burrito's Little Helper / Crouching Tigre Hidden Dragon (1.15)''===
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[angrily losing his temper as everyone laughs at him and rips up the moose costume]'' That is absolutely positively '''IT!!!''' I CAN'T STAND IT, ANYMORE! ''[points to Davi, furiously]'' YOU ARE THE WORST SUPERHERO OF ALL TIME! You don't ''deserve'' a sidekick!
:''[Everyone gasps in shock at Manny's insult to Davi]''
:'''Frida''': Dude!

===''The Cactus Kid / A Mother's Glove (1.16)''===
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': What are you so mad about?! You're the one who started all this!
:'''Grandpapi/Puma Loco''': I start it?! You the one don't want to do evil no more.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': So, you replaced me with some geeky wannabe supervillain kid?!
:'''Grandpapi/Puma Loco''': Bah, I just using him. That goofy ball never going to be a real villain.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Cactus Kid''': Sufferin' saguaros! Now that is cactus power! ''[creates an army of cactus monsters; cackles evilly]'' So, Riveras. Who's a real supervillain now?
:'''Manny and Grandpapi''': You.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': Dude, big locked box.
:'''Manny''': '''&quot;Warning.&quot; &quot;Danger.&quot; &quot;Do not open.&quot;'''
:'''Frida''': Wow, it's like an us trap. Wait, maybe your dad planted it here.
:'''Manny''': Yeah, to test us.
:'''Frida''': I fail.
:'''Manny''': Me too.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Mom, what's going on?
:'''Maria''': There's something you don't know about me. Something shocking.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Ah, nothing shocks me.
:'''Maria''': I was once… a superhero. ''[Manny babbles in shock as his brain shatters into pieces from inside his head]'' I was on college. ''[Flashback to her college years]'' I went to this party, and someone brought some mystical objects of power, and I… tried one on. Things were crazy back then. But, it was a different time. ''[puts the glove on and turns into her superhero identity]'' I was known as, Plata Peligrosa. At first, it was fun. Saving people, thwarting evil. But then… Then… ''[starts panting and hyperventilates as flashback ends]''
:'''Frida''': Here we go. ''[takes out a paper bag, takes a bite of a sandwich and gives the paper bag to Maria]''
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Mom, this is great! We can do stuff together, use our powers for good… or evil. Whatever, I'm easy.
:'''Maria''': ''[blows the paper bag too hard, popping the bottom]'' No, Manny… never! I gave up my powers because I couldn't handle the danger. Now, lock that glove back up and let us never speak of it again!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': This is nuts! I thought you quit superheroing because you couldn't handle the danger!
:'''Maria/Plata Peligrosa''': I couldn't handle how much I ''loved'' the danger. I was afraid it would become an obsession, but now I know that I am PERFECTLY IN CONTROL! ''[cackles]''
:'''El Oso''': For a hero, she gots a good evil laugh, man.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Mom, this has to stop!
:'''Maria/Plata Peligrosa''': You've been spending too much time with that evil Grandpapi of yours. Your father would never back down from a fight with villains!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': He also wouldn't have busted them out of jail.
:'''Maria/Plata Peligrosa''': You… you're right, ''mijo.'' I've got it all wrong.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Stop hitting my mom… Mom!
:'''Maria/Plata Peligrosa''': Only a villain would help a villain like me! I will make you '''''PAY!'''''
:'''Frida''': ''[spitting out popcorn]'' She's doing what now?!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': No, Mom, you don't mean it! That's the glove talking!

===''The Good, The Bad, and The Tigre (1.17)''===
:'''Sartana''': Tomorrow, I will hold a tournament beneath the Miracle City volcano. The winner will receive my mystic guitar! My skeleton bandito army… And a three-month's subscription to &quot;Villains Quarterly!&quot;
:'''Grandpapi/Puma Loco''': Yes, yes, yes, ''magnifico!'' ''[laughs while hyperventilates]'' What? Is good magazine.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': Can you believe them?
:'''Frida''': No. And what century did movies cost a quarter?!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': Villains, you will all compete in a series of events designed by me. If you lose even once, you will be ''eliminated…'' ''[The villains all gasp in shock]'' from the tournament. ''[The villains all sigh in relief]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': Anyone who is here can compete. ''[strums her guitar, closing the entrances]'' Because no one leaves the volcano until the tournament is over. ''NO ONE!''
:'''El Mal Verde''': You will hold us prisoner?
:'''El Oso''': I didn't pack a lunch.
:'''El Tarantula''': No! I have to return these DVDs by 10:00 or I get charged for another day!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': You know what they say, the bigger they are…
:'''Frida''': The more likely they'll cause internal bleeding! I know!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': El Tigre wins! Uh, go figure. And to ensure that no one leaves, all losers will be shackled!
:'''El Mal Verde''': ''Nobody'' shackles Mal Verde!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ENOUGH! You think I'm just some kid you can boss around? ''[to his father]'' I'm not your side ''[to his Grandpapi]'' and I'm not on your side. I'm on ''my'' side. And if you don't wanna get hurt, ''[menacingly]'' stay out of my way.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': I warned you to stay out of my way… And you're like one foot off the ground.
:'''Grandpapi/Puma Loco''': Yes, well, you're still very mean.
:'''Django''': ''[claps slowly]'' See? He has chosen power over family. I told you he was a true villain.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[confused]'' Django? What?
:'''Sartana''': He is indeed worthy. El Tigre, join us. With you and Django by my side, we will rule the world!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Huh? You said you were retiring!
:'''Sartana''': Yes, but I ''FIBBED!'' ''[cackles evilly]''
:'''Comrade Chaos''': A fib?!
:'''El Oso''': It can't be!
:'''El Tarantula''': Never trust a villain.
:'''Sartana''': Your plan worked perfectly, Django.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''Your'' plan?
:'''Django''': Yes. I devised this tournament as a way to get all of grandmother's evil competition in one place and DESTROY THEM!
:'''Frida''': That is one complicated evil plan.
:'''Comrade Chaos''': He truly is an artist.
:'''El Oso''': I would applaud if he weren't destroying me.
:'''El Tarantula''': Wait, so that's ''real'' lava?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Django, I really appreciate this.
:'''Django''': The offer to join us?
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': No. You're sticking out your hand like an idiot.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': Manny, red hot lava! Getting close, but no pressure!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': ''[to Django]'' Just wait till your mother hears about this.

===''A Fistful of Nickels / Animales! (1.18)''===
:'''Rodolfo''': Manuel Pablo Gutierrez O'Brian Equihua Rivera, I am VERY disappointed in you. You have to learn to be responsible.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': How ''DARE'' you steal from me you little maggot!
:'''Frida''': He was stupid enough.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Sartana, face the power of… The Riveras! And Frida.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Sartana''': ''[cackling]'' Fools! Death ''always'' wins in the end!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Dropped in the belly of the beast.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': There's only ''one'' way to escape this monster and destroy Sartana. Our ultimate weapon: the ''Caliente'' Catapult of Carnage!
:''[Frida gasps upon hearing this]''
:'''Grandpapi/Puma Loco''': No…it's too dangerous!
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': I won't risk…my only son!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Dad… I know I messed up. I sent Señor Chapi to bird heaven, and I wrecked the house… twice. But please, let me show you I can be a hero. I ''will'' make you proud.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': ''[sighs]'' What am I going to do with that boy?
:'''Grandpapi''': Don't worry, someday Manny will be a truly great villain.
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Hero, he'll be a hero!
:'''Frida''': So, what now?
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Oh, uh, maybe, uhh… Hide Sartana's loot and tell my dad it disappeared?
:'''Frida''': Dude, you are an artist.

===''Tigre + Cuervo Forever / The Thing That Ate Frida's Brain (1.19)''===
:'''Frida''': Dude, why so mopey? You're acting like they just outlawed churros. ''[gasps]'' They didn't, did they?
:'''Manny''': My dad is super mad at me. I totally been messing up with him lately.
:'''Frida''': Do tell. ''[grabs and pulls him by the shirt collar; shouting]'' I SAID TELL!
:'''Manny''': Okay, okay! Like, yesterday, me and dad were doing a little crime-fighting.
:''[Flashback to yesterday at Miguels Jewels…]''
:'''Dr. Chipotle Sr.''': ''[walking out of the vault with a handful of gold and jewels, and sees White Pantera in front of him]'' You do not have a chance. Dr Chipotle Sr's son is sneaking up behind you.
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': That's where you're wrong. Because ''my'' son has taken care of him. Right, Manny? Manny?
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[playing a video game]'' I'm on it, Dad. High Score!
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': ''[annoyed]'' Ah, I see.
:'''Manny''': And later, me and dad caught El Oso robbing a factory… an underpants factory.
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': El Oso, drop those drawers! ''[Manny bursts out with uncontrollable laughter; confused]'' What? What's so funny? ''[El Oso rises up from behind him and gives him a wedgie]''
:''[Flashback ends]''
:'''Manny''': You try to keep a straight face in a room full of pink thongs.
:'''Frida''': Dude, preaching to the choir.
:'''Manny''': How am I gonna make it up to him?
:'''Frida''': You could clean your room. ''[Manny annoyingly looks at her]'' Sorry, talking crazy.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Just heading out to check with my &quot;anonymous source.&quot; Who might have information that could help you prevent crimes.
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': ''[agitated]'' Manny… I can't even ''LOOK'' at you right now. Seriously, it pulls my hair.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Voltura''': Make yourself at home, El Tigre.
:'''Lady Gobbler''': Yes. It's so nice to have you ''here.''
:'''Black Cuervo''': Wow. They ''totally'' hate you. Don't eat anything.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Black Cuervo''': I thought you liked me, but you were just ''USING'' ME!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[whispering a little quicker]'' Cuervo, you're totally right. I'm sorry I treated you so lousy, but I'm going to make it up to you.
:'''Black Cuervo''': ''[scoffs]'' How?
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': This fight. I'm gonna let ''you'' win.
:'''Black Cuervo''': ''[angered shock]'' LET ME WIN?!
:'''Frida''': Ooh, bad call.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': I'll yank that puppy off you with a little… ''[changes into El Tigre]'' Tigre power!
:'''Frida''': Zombie not bad, Manny. Frida ''like'' zombie.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': You may feel a pinch.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''General Chapuza''': So, zombies cannot dance, eh? Now, El Tigre. We will show you the error of your ways.

===''Stinking Badges / Mech Daddy (1.20)''===
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Check out what's at the museum… The Golden Mustache of the Pharaohs. The Mustache Mafia are totally gonna… ''[notices Frida looking gloomy with guilt]'' Hey, what's wrong?
:'''Frida''': Nothing. It's just… lying to my dad like this…
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Oh, you feeling a little guilty?
:'''Frida''': No, of course not. Guilty, me? ''[laughs]'' I laugh. Guilt slides off me like water off a duck's back. A filthy, stinking, no-good Duck who lies to her dad.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Wait a minute!
:'''Emiliano''': You stay out of this, Rivera! She lied to me.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Yeah, she lied… but only 'cause she wanted to be a good cadet so you'd like her more.
:'''Emiliano''': What?! How could I like her more?! I ''love'' my Frida. She is… my Frida.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Adios, Giant Robot Sanchez!

===''The Return of Plata Peligrosa / Chupacabros! (1.21)''===
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Doesn't your mother look pretty?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Mom, are you okay? ''[points to the glove]'' Get your hand off my mom!
:'''Maria''': Manny, it's not what you think.
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Maria, you said the glove was destroyed in the jaws of the Robasura.
:'''Maria''': I thought it was. ''[Flashback to El Tigre's last battle with the glove]'' But a few days later, it showed up on my doorstep, hurt and scared. I just couldn't turn it away. As I nursed it back health, I realized the glove was good inside. Tests in my home lab showed that if I wore the glove for only ''one'' hour at a time, I could control the danger mania. Even a few seconds more, and I become…unstable. So, the glove and I made a deal. ''[Flashback ends]'' I will use my Plata Peligrosa powers to help those in need but when my watch alarm sounds, it ''must'' get off my hand. Right, &quot;Glovey?&quot;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': That's great, Mom.
:'''Frida''': You have a home lab?
:'''Maria''': Now, I can help my boys out in a crisis.
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': ''[dreamily]'' You called me handsome.
:'''Maria''': Rodolfo, don't listen to what I say when I'm wearing the glove. I'm not myself. ''[Rodolfo puckers up his lips to kiss her; puts her hand on his mouth]'' You and I always be just friends.
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Of course. I understand completely. ''[Maria walks off]'' She called me handsome!
:'''Frida''': Wow, your mom and dad, a crime-fighting team. Maybe they'll get back together. ''[imitates kissing while rubbing Señor Chapi's head]'' Oh, Rodolfo, you're so handsome.
:'''Señor Chapi''': ''[touched while blushing]'' Ah, ''viva pantalones.''
:'''Manny''': Cut it out, Frida. We both know my parents are better off apart.
:'''Frida''': Yeah, but does your dad know?
:'''Manny''': Sure he does. Probably. Down deep. Anyway, as long as he keeps his mind off beautifying the city.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo''': Maria, we have been seeing a lot of each other lately, and… No, that's not right. ''[clears throat]'' ''Mi vida,'' I, that is, um… I need to ask you, will you have coffee with me?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': Can I get anybody anything? Soft drink? Cheese toast?
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[offering her the alarm watch]'' Hide this.
:'''Frida''': But without the alarm, your mom's gonna go all danger-crazy.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Exactly.
:''[Frida hides the alarm watch in her goggles]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': You know what's funny? If not for this inexplicable string of crimes and disasters, I would have been beautifying the city with Manny and Frida instead of… Giving them lots of money?
:''[Money flies out of Frida's goggles]''
:'''Frida''': How you doing?

===''Love and War / Wrong and Dance (1.22)''===
:'''Sergio''': What's he say?
:'''Diego''': I don't know. But it's obvious that Frida…likes Manny.
:'''Both''': ''[enraged with a background of fire]'' '''I MUST CRUSH HIM!!!'''
:'''Diego''': I will dispose of Manny and make it look like an accident.
:'''Sergio''': And once he's gone, I will make Frida mine. I will sweep her feet off…
:'''Diego''': No, I will.
:'''Sergio''': No, me.
:'''Diego''': Me!
:'''Sergio''': Me!
:'''Diego''': Me, me, ME!
:'''Sergio''': Me, me, ME!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': This is my chance to show those girls how macho I am for real! ''[Makes a girly face and claps]'' Yay!
:'''Frida''': Yeah…he's gonna need a macho coach.

===''Oso Solo Mio / Silver Wolf (1.23)''===
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Frida! Missed you at the concert tonight.
:'''Frida''': Oh, was that tonight?
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Guess you couldn't make it 'cause you were too busy STABBING ME IN THE BACK!
:'''Frida''': I didn't stab you anywhere.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': How could you?! You haven't seen me all week!
:'''Frida''': Sure, I have.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Oh yeah? What did I bring to school for lunch yesterday?
:'''Frida''': FOOD!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Lucky guess.
:'''Frida''': You're just mad because for once, ''I'm'' not your sidekick.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': ''[angrily gets in her face]'' Yeah. You're ''his'' sidekick!
:'''Frida''': Nuh-uh, I'm not his, &quot;front-kick!&quot;
:'''Silver Wolf''': Get out of her face.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Make me, tin puppy!
:'''Silver Wolf''': Make me make you.
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Make me make you make me!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Silver Wolf''': Here… ''[hands Frida his whip]'' ''Finish'' him.
:'''Frida''': ''[incredulous]'' What?
:'''Silver Wolf''': It's time for you to choose, Frida… El Tigre or me?
:'''Frida''': ''[nonchalantly]'' El Tigre. ''[takes off her biker helmet]''
:'''Silver Wolf''': Yes, though it may be agonizing you must decide between… what?
:'''Frida''': El Tigre, duh, no brainer.
:'''Silver Wolf''': You can't ''DO'' that!
:'''Frida''': Can, did.

===''The Cuervo Project / The Golden Eagle Twins (1.24)''===
:'''Zoe''': ''[to Manny, sweetly]'' Hello, Manny. ''[to Frida, annoyingly]'' Hello, Frida.
:''[Frida growls angrily]''
:'''Manny''': Come on, Frida. Zoe isn't that bad.
:'''Frida''': No? What about the time she sawed through the legs of my stool chair?
:'''Manny''': When was that?
:'''Frida''': Now. ''[falls on the ground, revealing Zoe already did it as she snickers]''
:'''Manny''': Uh, maybe she's changed since then?
:'''Frida''': I will make Zoe Aves suffer! I will humiliate her! I WILL HAVE '''''REVENGE!''''' And by &quot;I&quot;, I mean, &quot;we.&quot;
:'''Manny''': Sure, what are friends for?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': ''[annoyingly suspicious]'' Are you talking to your wrist?
:'''Zoe''': No… yes. Uh, I have to go, uh, somewhere, for… a reason. ''[zips away]''
:'''Frida''': She's hiding something.
:'''Manny''': Why? There's nothing wrong with talking to your wrist.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Black Cuervo''': Zoe Aves is NOTHING to me. Watch as I drop her into her ''OWN'' volcano!
:'''Frida''': Dude, I don't like it either, but that is harsh.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': ''[hanging on while screaming]'' Hey, I can see my house from here. ''[resumes screaming]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': The whole city still loves the twins, and I get blamed for everything.

===''Dia de los Padres / Mustache Love (1.25)''===
:'''Manny''': Only one sack of glitter left!
:''[Manny and Dr. Chipotle Jr. grab the glitter sack at the same time and fight over it]''
:'''Dr. Chipotle Jr.''': SWINE! Get your hands off my glitter!
:'''Manny''': It's mine!
:'''Dr. Chipotle Jr.''': Mine!
:'''Manny''': Mine!
:'''Dr. Chipotle Jr.''': Mine!
:'''Manny''': ''MINE!''
:''[They rip the sack off on opposite sides, causing glitter to sprinkle]''
:'''Dr. Chipotle Jr.''': YOU WILL PAY FOR… ''[sighs with depression]'' What's the point? May last hope for Father's Day is gone. And my father is already in a rotten mood. Because he keeps getting defeated by ''YOUR'' FATHER!
:'''Manny''': Yeah, my dad's in a lousy mood too.
:'''Dr. Chipotle Jr.''': ''[romantically to Frida]'' Why, Miss Suarez. I must say you are looking lovely today.
:'''Manny''': Oh, now I won't even have a lame present for my dad.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dr. Chipotle Sr. Sr.''': Do I blast the furry one or the one that looks like me?
:'''Dr. Chipotle Sr.''': ''[points to El Tigre]'' The furry one!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frida''': Three, two, one. ''[Manny and Sophia scream in pain after Raul and Browsia detach themselves off their faces and fly away]'' I love weddings.

===''Back to Escuela / No Boots, No Belt, No Brero (1.26)''===
:'''Grandpapi''': The Golden Grasshopper of Guadalupe. The Bronze Bee of Baja. The Dryer-lint Dragonfly of Durango. All I need to complete collection is… The cursed Silver Scorpion of Sonora. And the best part is… the scorpion is on display at Manny's school tomorrow!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Manny''': ''[upset and heartbroken]'' Grandpapi? You… You ''lied'' to me? You didn't come to school to help me. You were after the scorpion all along.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Grandpapi''': Curse is on ''YOU,'' Señor Poker!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[last and final lines of the series]''
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Very good.
:'''Grandpapi/Puma Loco''': Well rockin'!
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Now ''that'' was family fun!
:'''Rodolfo/White Pantera''': Yes, ''mijo.''
:'''Frida''': ''[lands in Manny's hands]'' Kiss me, you fool! ''[kisses Manny in the lips]''
:'''Manny/El Tigre''': Familia forever!

==Cast==
* Manny Rivera/El Tigre ({{w|Alanna Ubach}})
* Frida Suárez ({{w|Grey DeLisle}})
* Rodolfo Rivera/White Pantera ({{w|Eric Bauza}})
* Grandpapi/Puma Loco ({{w|Carlos Alazraqui}})
* Maria Rivera/Plata Peligrosa ({{w|April Stewart}})

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
{{DEFAULTSORT:Tigre, El}}
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  <page>
    <title>Naftali Bennett</title>
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        <username>נדב ס</username>
        <id>1943009</id>
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      <text bytes="3793" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Naftali Bennett official portrait.jpg|thumb|Naftali Bennett in 2021]]
'''[[w:Naftali Bennett|Naftali Bennett]]''' (Hebrew: נַפְתָּלִי בֶּנֶט; born 25 March 1972) is an [[Israeli]] politician who previously served as the 13th prime minister of Israel from 13 June 2021 to 30 June 2022. He led the [[Jewish]] Home party from 2012 to 2018, when he left the party to establish the New Right party. He served as Israel's Minister of Education from 2015 to 2019, and as the Minister of Diaspora Affairs from 2013 to 2019. Between 2013 and 2015, he held the posts of Minister of Economy and Minister of Religious Services.

{{political-stub}}
== Quotes ==
*If there’s one thing that keeps me up at night, it’s not Iran but the future of the Jews in America, and we have to fix this together. If we don’t act urgently, we’re going to be losing millions of Jews to assimilation.
**[https://www.haaretz.com/israel-news/.premium-future-of-u-s-jews-keeps-me-up-at-night-israeli-minister-says-1.6172892 12 June 2018] about the future of U.S. Jews at AJC conference.

* I will do everything in my power to prevent a Palestinian state
** [https://www.haaretz.com/.premium-netanyahu-rival-stumps-in-english-1.5280328 2012]

* I've killed lots of Arabs in my life - and there's no problem with that.
** [https://www.huffpost.com/entry/naftali-bennett-kill-arabs_n_3670767 2013]

* The most important thing in the Land of Israel is to build, build, build. Its important that there will be an Israeli presence everywhere. Our principal problem is still Israels leaders unwillingness to say in a simple manner that the Land of Israel belongs to the People of Israel.
** [https://quotevisit.com/naftali-bennett-quotes]

* The land is ours. I will do everything in my power, forever, to fight against a Palestinian state being founded in the Land of Israel
** [https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2013/01/21/the-party-faithful 2013]

* We will never agree to give up Jerusalem, a united city under Israeli sovereignty, and only Israeli. We will not accept a terrorist Palestinian state, we will not accept an agreement based on the 67 lines.
** [https://www.israelnationalnews.com/News/News.aspx/176036 2014]

* Trump's victory is an opportunity for Israel to immediately retract the notion of a Palestinian state.
** [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/middle-east/trump-victory-israel-far-right-comment-end-of-palestine-state-a7407231.html 2016]

* The era of a Palestinian state is over.
** [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/middle-east/trump-victory-israel-far-right-comment-end-of-palestine-state-a7407231.html 2016]

*  [the country continues to] stand at the forefront of the global effort to deal with the [[covid pandemic|pandemic]]
** '''[[https://www.cnn.com/2021/12/21/middleeast/israel-fourth-covid-vaccine-booster-intl/index.html Israel begins fourth Covid-19 dose vaccine rollout for people 60 and over as Omicron cases surge]]''' (December 21, 2021)

* The world order as we know it is changing. The world is much less stable, and our region too is changing every day. These are difficult, tragic times. Our hearts are with the civilians of eastern [[Ukraine]] who were caught up in this situation.
** Naftali Bennett (2022) cited in &quot;[https://www.timesofisrael.com/bennett-refrains-from-condemning-russia-in-first-remarks-since-invasion-of-ukraine/ Bennett refrains from condemning Russia in first remarks since invasion of Ukraine]&quot; on ''The Times of Israel'', 24 February 2022.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commons| Naftali Bennett}}

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  <page>
    <title>Billie Eilish</title>
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      <minor />
      <comment>Reverted edit by [[User:2.51.65.112|2.51.65.112]] ([[User talk:2.51.65.112|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/2.51.65.112|contributions]]) to last version by Thecharacterwannied</comment>
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      <text bytes="16274" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Billie Eilish Red Rocks 06.05.19 (48012828283).jpg|thumb|I know it makes you nervous &lt;br /&gt; But I promise you, it's worth it &lt;br /&gt; To show 'em everything you kept inside &lt;br /&gt; Don't hide, don't hide]]
'''[[w: Billie Eilish|Billie Eilish Pirate Baird O'Connell]]''' (born [[18 December]] [[2001]]) is an American singer and songwriter.

== Quotes ==
[[File:Billie Eilish - Los Angeles 2017 (03).jpg|thumb|My brother came to me with &quot;[[w:Ocean Eyes (song)|Ocean Eyes]]&quot;, which he had originally written for his band. … We put it on SoundCloud with a free download link next to it so my dance teacher could access it. We had no intentions for it, really. But basically overnight a ton of people started hearing it and sharing it.]]
[[File:Billie Eilish at Icebox.png |thumb|I have never done [[drugs]], I’ve never got high, I’ve never smoked anything in my [[life]]. I don’t give a fuck, I never have. It’s just not interesting to me. I have other shit to do.]]
[[File:Billie Eilish 08 10 2017 -24 (37238840341).jpg|thumb|Wake up and smell the coffee &lt;br /&gt; Is your cup half full or empty?]]

* '''My whole family is really musical.''' My brother and my mom both write songs and my dad has always played the piano and ukulele. When we were little, my dad would make us mix tapes with songs by artists like the [[Beatles]] and [[Avril Lavigne]], so we learned a lot from those. Even though I never really thought of being a singer, I’ve always loved it. I’ve been in the Los Angeles Children’s Chorus since I was about 8, which has helped my technique so much. It’s showed me all of the different types of classic music there are and how beautiful they can be. When I was 11 or 12, I started writing songs because it’s a good way to express your feelings. My brother is a really good songwriter so we’d give each other notes and write stuff together.
** [https://www.teenvogue.com/story/how-billie-eilishs-ocean-eyes-turned-her-into-an-overnight-sensation &quot;How Billie Eilish's &quot;Ocean Eyes&quot; Turned Her Into an Overnight Sensation&quot; by Ariana Marsh, ''Teen Vogue'' (24 February 2017)]

* '''Aside from [[singing]], I'm also a [[dancer]].''' I've been dancing since I was eight. Last year, one of my teachers asked if I would either write a song or have my brother write a song to choreograph a dance to. I was like, &quot;yes, that's such a cool thing to do!&quot; Then, my brother came to me with &quot;'''[[w:Ocean Eyes (song)|Ocean Eyes]]'''&quot;, which he had originally written for his band. He told me he thought it would sound really good in my voice. He taught me the song and we sang it together along to his guitar and I loved it — it was stuck in my head for weeks. '''We kind of just decided that that was the song we were going to use for the dance. We put it on SoundCloud with a free download link next to it so my dance teacher could access it. We had no intentions for it, really. But basically overnight a ton of people started hearing it and sharing it.''' Hillydilly, a music discovery website, found it and posted it and it just got bigger and bigger. It was really surreal. Then, Danny Ruckasin, who is now my manager, reached out to my brother and was like, &quot;dude, this is going to get huge and I think you’re going to need help along the way. I want to help you guys.&quot; We were like, &quot;that’s swag!&quot;
** &quot;How Billie Eilish's &quot;Ocean Eyes&quot; Turned Her Into an Overnight Sensation&quot; by Ariana Marsh, ''Teen Vogue'' (24 February 2017)

* '''I have never done drugs, I’ve never got high, I’ve never smoked anything in my life. I don’t give a fuck, I never have.''' It’s just not interesting to me. I have other shit to do. … I know people around you doing that shit makes you want to, but you don’t have to … [her song  &quot;[[w:Xanny (song)|xanny]]&quot; is] less &quot;don’t do drugs&quot;; it’s more &quot;be safe&quot; …. '''I don’t want my friends to die any more.'''
** As quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/music/2019/mar/29/billie-eilish-the-pop-icon-who-defines-21st-century-teenage-angst &quot;Billie Eilish: the pop icon who defines 21st-century teenage angst&quot; by Hannah Ewens, in ''The Guardian'' (29 March 2019)]

* ''[[w:Bing (search engine)|Bing]]?'' Who the fuck uses Bing?
** After being asked &quot;What about Bing?&quot;, after stating stats of 152 million [[w:Google Search|Google searches for her name]], in [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YltHGKX80Y8 &quot;Billie Eilish: Same Interview, The Third Year&quot;, ''Vanity Fair'' (25 November 2019)]

* '''Yeah, I'm definitely successful.''' … I was thinking about that earlier today, because of ''this interview'', I was like — back then I thought, it's was like the biggest it was ever going to be, and I thought, it was the most I was ever going to be recognized and it was the most anyone was going to know me... and it was the most money I was going to have, the most clothes I'd have, the most shoes I'd have — and what's crazy is: ''it wasn't''. … &quot;Success&quot; is not how well people know you, it's how you're like &quot;looked at&quot;. I genuinely did not think people would care. '''It's like I can't even stress it enough: ''I can't believe people care so much'' — about ''me''. It's crazy to me.'''
** &quot;Billie Eilish: Same Interview, The Third Year&quot;, ''Vanity Fair'' (25 November 2019)

=== Singles (2017 - present) ===
* Wake up and smell the coffee &lt;br /&gt; Is your cup half full or empty?
** &quot;[[w:Come Out and Play (Billie Eilish song)|Come Out and Play]]&quot; (20 November 2018) · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xXFdnHiGwos YouTube audio], co-written with [[Finneas O'Connell]].

* You'll never know until you try it &lt;br /&gt; You don't have to keep it quiet &lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;And I know it makes you nervous &lt;br /&gt; But I promise you, it's worth it &lt;br /&gt; To show 'em everything you kept inside &lt;br /&gt; Don't hide, don't hide &lt;br /&gt; Too shy to say, but I hope you stay &lt;br /&gt; Don't hide away &lt;br /&gt; Come out and play
** ''[[w:Come Out and Play (Billie Eilish song)|Come Out and Play]]'' (20 November 2018), co-written with [[Finneas O'Connell]].

* When I was older &lt;br /&gt; I was a sailor &lt;br /&gt; On an open sea &lt;br /&gt; But now I'm underwater &lt;br /&gt; And my skin is paler &lt;br /&gt; Than it should ever be
** [[w:When I Was Older|When I Was Older]], ''Music Inspired by the Film [[w:Roma (2018 film)|Roma]]'' (9 January 2019)

* I had a dream &lt;br /&gt; I got everything I wanted &lt;br /&gt; Not what you'd think &lt;br /&gt; And if I'm being honest &lt;br /&gt;It might have been a nightmare &lt;br /&gt; To anyone who might care
** &quot;[[w:Everything I Wanted (Billie Eilish song)|everything i wanted]]&quot; · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MgdG91aCsPU First live performance, Mexico City (12 December 2019)] 

* I had a dream &lt;br /&gt; I got everything I wanted &lt;br /&gt; But when I wake up, I see &lt;br /&gt; You with me &lt;br /&gt; &lt;br /&gt; And you say &lt;br /&gt; As long as I'm here &lt;br /&gt; No one can hurt you &lt;br /&gt; Don't wanna lie here &lt;br /&gt; But you can learn to &lt;br /&gt; If I could change the way that you see yourself &lt;br /&gt; You wouldn't wonder why you hear &lt;br /&gt; &quot;They don't deserve you&quot;
** &quot;everything i wanted&quot;

*  I saw you there &lt;br /&gt; Too much to bear &lt;br /&gt; You were my life &lt;br /&gt; But life is far away from fair. &lt;br /&gt; Was I stupid to love you? &lt;br /&gt; Was I reckless to help? &lt;br /&gt; Was it obvious to everybody else &lt;br /&gt; That I'd fallen for a lie? &lt;br /&gt; You were never on my side &lt;br /&gt; Fool me once, fool me twice &lt;br /&gt; Are you death or paradise? &lt;br /&gt; Now you'll never see me cry &lt;br /&gt; There's just no time to die.
** [[w:No Time to Die (song)|&quot;No Time to Die&quot; (13 February 2020)]], co-written with [[Finneas O'Connell]] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BboMpayJomw Official video (1 October 2020)] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s-ltmarIBP8 Live performance on ''The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon'' (5 October 2020)]

* I can't seem to focus &lt;br /&gt; And you don't seem to notice &lt;br /&gt; I'm not here &lt;br /&gt; I'm just a mirror.
** [[w:My Future|&quot;my future&quot; (30 July 2020)]] * [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dm9Zf1WYQ_A ''my future'' animated video (30 July 2020)] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1FvEDuWeB4A Live performance (19 August 2020)]

* Do you understand? &lt;br /&gt; I've changed my plans &lt;br /&gt; 'Cause I, I'm in love &lt;br /&gt; With my future &lt;br /&gt; Can't wait to meet her &lt;br /&gt; And I, I'm in love &lt;br /&gt; But not with anybody else &lt;br /&gt; Just wanna get to know myself.
** &quot;my future&quot; (30 July 2020)

* I know supposedly I'm lonely now (lonely now) &lt;br /&gt; Know I'm supposed to be unhappy &lt;br /&gt; Without someone (someone) &lt;br /&gt; But aren't I someone? (Aren't I someone? Yeah)
** &quot;my future&quot; (30 July 2020)

* I'm not your friend or anything, damn &lt;br /&gt; You think that you're the man &lt;br /&gt; I think, therefore, I am.
** [[w:Therefore I Am (song)|&quot;Therefore I Am&quot; (12 November 2020)]] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RUQl6YcMalg Official Music Video (Nov 12 November 2020)]

=== ''[[w:Don't Smile at Me|Dont Smile At Me]]'' (2017) ===

* Don't be cautious, don't be kind &lt;br /&gt; You committed, I'm your crime &lt;br /&gt; Push my button anytime &lt;br /&gt; You got your finger on the trigger, but your trigger finger's mine
** &quot;[[w:Copycat (Billie Eilish song)|Copycat]]&quot;

* If teardrops could be bottled  &lt;br /&gt; There'd be swimming pools filled by models &lt;br /&gt; Told a tight dress is what makes you a whore &lt;br /&gt; If &quot;I love you&quot; was a promise &lt;br /&gt; Would you break it, if you're honest &lt;br /&gt; Tell the mirror what you know she's heard before &lt;br /&gt; I don't wanna be you anymore
** &quot;[[w:Idontwannabeyouanymore|Idontwannabeyouanymore]]&quot; · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-tn2S3kJlyU Official video]

=== ''[[w:When We All Fall Asleep, Where Do We Go?|When We All Fall Asleep, Where Do We Go?]]'' (2019) ===
[[File:Billie Eilish at Pukkelpop Festival - 18 AUGUST 2019 (10).jpg|thumb|I don't need a [[w:Xanax|Xanny]] to feel better&lt;br /&gt; On designated drives home&lt;br /&gt; Only one who's not stoned&lt;br /&gt; Don't give me a Xanny now or ever]]

* So you're a tough guy  &lt;br /&gt; Like-it-really-rough guy &lt;br /&gt; Just-can't-get-enough guy &lt;br /&gt; Chest-always-so-puffed guy &lt;br /&gt; I'm that bad type &lt;br /&gt; Make-your-mama-sad type &lt;br /&gt; Make-your-girlfriend-mad type &lt;br /&gt; Might-seduce-your-dad type &lt;br /&gt; I'm the bad guy, duh &lt;br /&gt;  &lt;br /&gt; I'm the bad guy
** &quot;[[w:Bad Guy (Billie Eilish song)|Bad Guy]]&quot;

* I must be missing something&lt;br /&gt; They just keep doing nothing&lt;br /&gt; Too intoxicated to be scared&lt;br /&gt; Better off without them&lt;br /&gt; They're nothing but unstable&lt;br /&gt; Bring ashtrays to the table&lt;br /&gt; And that's about the only thing they share&lt;br /&gt; &lt;br /&gt; I'm in their second-hand smoke&lt;br /&gt; Still just drinking canned Coke&lt;br /&gt; I don't need a [[w:Xanax|Xanny]] to feel better&lt;br /&gt; On designated drives home&lt;br /&gt; Only one who's not stoned&lt;br /&gt; Don't give me a Xanny now or ever 
** &quot;[[w:Xanny (song)|xanny]]&quot; · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LZyybvVx-js official video]

=== ''[[w:Happier Than Ever|Happier Than Ever]]'' (2021) ===
[[File:Billie Eilish for British Vogue, May 2021 (2).png|thumb|So don't waste the time I don't have &lt;br /&gt; Don't try to make me feel bad.]]

* When I'm away from you &lt;br /&gt; I'm [[happier]] than ever &lt;br /&gt;[[Wish]] I could [[explain]] it better&lt;br /&gt;I wish it wasn't [[true]]. &lt;br /&gt; Give me a day or two &lt;br /&gt; To [[think]] of something [[clever]] &lt;br /&gt; To write myself a letter &lt;br /&gt; To tell me what to do.
** &quot;[[w:Happier Than Ever (song)|Happier Than Ever]]&quot; · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5GJWxDKyk3A Official video at YouTube] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XPfW6mGx1SA Performance on ''Saturday Night Live'' (12 December 2021)]

* I don't relate to you &lt;br /&gt; I don't relate to you, no &lt;br /&gt; 'Cause I'd never treat me this shitty &lt;br /&gt; You make me hate this city. &lt;br /&gt; And I don't talk shit about you on the internet &lt;br /&gt; Never told anyone anything bad &lt;br /&gt; 'Cause that shit's embarrassing, you were my everything &lt;br /&gt; And all that you did was make me fucking sad &lt;br /&gt; So don't waste the time I don't have &lt;br /&gt; Don't try to make me feel bad.
** &quot;Happier Than Ever&quot;

* You ruined everything good &lt;br /&gt; Always said you were misunderstood &lt;br /&gt; Made all my moments your own &lt;br /&gt; Just fucking leave me alone.
** &quot;Happier Than Ever&quot;

{{Misattributed begin}}

==Misattributed==

* I've been walking through a [[world]] gone [[blind]] &lt;br /&gt; Can't stop thinking of your [[diamond]] [[mind]] &lt;br /&gt; Careful creature made friends with [[time]] &lt;br /&gt; He left her lonely with a diamond mind &lt;br /&gt; And those ocean eyes
** &quot;[[w:Ocean Eyes (song)|Ocean Eyes]]&quot; — though her breakthrough hit after she posted [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d--DyK0wtYo her performance of it] to SoundCloud for her dance teacher on 18 November 2015, the lyrics were  written entirely by her brother [[w:Finneas O'Connell|Finneas O'Connell]], who also collaborates with her on most of her other musical work. · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=viimfQi_pUw Official Music Video]

{{Misattributed end}}

== Quotes about Eilish ==

* Imagine going to sleep as a regular 14-year-old girl and waking up the next morning with your inbox flooded with email messages inquiring about your bourgeoning music career. That's what happened to Billie Eilish who, in 2015, made a somewhat unintentional arrival onto the music scene after uploading a track called &quot;[[w:Ocean Eyes (song)|Ocean Eyes]]&quot; to SoundCloud. &lt;br /&gt; Written and produced by her older brother and featuring her vocals, the song was originally created for Billie's dance teacher, who wanted to choreograph a routine to original music. '''Within hours, the tune garnered praise from various websites and she's been on the upswing ever since.'''
** Ariana Marsh, in [https://www.teenvogue.com/story/how-billie-eilishs-ocean-eyes-turned-her-into-an-overnight-sensation &quot;How Billie Eilish's &quot;Ocean Eyes&quot; Turned Her Into an Overnight Sensation&quot;, ''Teen Vogue'' (24 February 2017)]

* '''Billie Eilish is a cultural phenomenon.''' The singer and her songwriter brother, [[w:Finneas O’Connell|Finneas O’Connell]], have created a debut body of work that transcends genres, reflecting the vast multi-artist listening habits of the music streaming generation — while at the same time tearing apart the notion of the album’s death in the age of the playlist. Oh, and she owned [[w:Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival|Coachella]] for fun, too.
** Murray Stassen, in [https://www.musicbusinessworldwide.com/behind-billie-eilish-meet-the-managers-guiding-the-artists-global-success/ &quot;Behind Billie Eilish: Meet the managers guiding the artist’s global success&quot;, ''Music Business Woldwide'' (2 May 2019)]

* '''Eilish has a disarmingly intimate, unadorned vocal style born of a two-pronged education''': a member of the soft brigade of Gen Zers who grew up posting bedroom karaoke videos on YouTube, she also learned technique in the Los Angeles Children's Chorus, where blending matters more than belting.
** Ann Powers, in [https://www.npr.org/2019/12/10/786451710/billie-eilish-is-the-class-of-2019s-weird-achiever?t=1589400339402 &quot;Billie Eilish Is The Class of 2019's Weird Achiever&quot;, ''National Public Radio'' (10 December 2019)]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
* [https://www.billieeilish.com/ Official site]
* [https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCiGm_E4ZwYSHV3bcW1pnSeQ/videos?view=0&amp;sort=dd&amp;shelf_id=0 Official YouTube channel videos]
* [https://www.imdb.com/name/nm8483808/ Profile at ''IMDb'']
* [https://www.discogs.com/artist/5590213 Discography at ''Discogs'']
* [https://www.azlyrics.com/b/billieeilish.html Billie Eilish lyrics at ''AZLyrics'']
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kpx2-EMfdbg &quot;Billie Eilish and Finneas Break Down Her Hit Song 'Bad Guy'&quot;, ''Rolling Stone'' interview (16 December 2019)]
* [https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=Billie+Eilish &quot;Billie Eilish&quot; search on ''YouTube'']
* [https://genius.com/artists/Billie-eilish Billie Eilish lyrics at ''Genius'']

{{DEFAULTSORT:Eilish, Billie}} 
[[Category:Singer-songwriters from the United States]]
[[Category:2001 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Pop singers]]
[[Category:Veganism activists]]
[[Category:Activists from the United States]]
[[Category:Vegetarians]]
[[Category:American women]]
[[Category:People from Los Angeles]]
[[Category:Grammy Award winners]]
[[Category:Women born in the 21st century]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Harley Quinn (TV series)</title>
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      <contributor>
        <username>Bszabo15</username>
        <id>1085757</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Season 3 */</comment>
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      <text bytes="39986" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Harley Quinn (TV series)|Harley Quinn]]''''' is an American adult animated web television series based on the Harley Quinn character created by Paul Dini and Bruce Timm.

==Season 1==
===Til Death Do Us Part [1.01]===
:'''Man''': ''[Gentlemen]!'' My fellow whites. Let's raise a glass to this pyramid of [[w:money|money]], the foundation of which was built upon our favorite pastime: Fucking the poor!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Harley Quinn''': ''[excitedly]'' Is this the good kinda acid that gives you superpowers?!
:'''The Riddler''': No!
:'''Harley Quinn''': Awwww...

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Poison Ivy''': Just stopped by to check up on ya, but I see you're doin' great, I'm gonna pick up some Thai food, text me what you want, okay?
:'''Harley Quinn''': Oh, no, wait! I'll have a green potato curry.
:'''Poison Ivy''': Yeah, but I mean-I just-just text it to me.
:'''Harley Quinn''': But you're right here.
:'''Poison Ivy''': Yeah, but then I'm not going to remember what you want, and you won't like what I get you, and you're gonna want some of mine. Just-just fuckin' text it.

===A High Bar [1.02]===
:'''The Joker''': I need a permit for a trap door? The whole point is no one is supposed to know about it! Especially the city.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Harley Quinn''': I know it's you Scarecrow,Two-Face,other half of Two-Face,Bane.
''[Two-Face and Scarecrow laughs at Harley's imitation of Bane]''
:'''Bane''': ''[annoyed]'' I'm going to blow up this Bar Mitzvah!

===So You Need a Crew? [1.03]===
:'''Harley Quinn''': I need a [[w:sexual intercourse|fucking]] crew!'''
:'''Poison Ivy''': No you need a [[w:shower|shower]].

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dr. Psycho''': [''fighting Wonder Woman''] OW! That really hurt, you c*nt!
:[''everything, including the Earth itself, comes to a shocked standstill'']
:'''Poison Ivy''': [''watching the fight on TV''] Holy shit!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Harley Quinn''': ''[To Maxie Zeus]'' Ah, Got it. So you're just a creepy [[w:penis|dick]], I'm not fucking you.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Clayface''': The name is Clayface, thespian extraordinaire recently portraying the juicy role of country boy bartending in the big city!
:'''Dr. Psycho''': I thought you were playing the role of literal piece of [[w:feces|shit]].
:'''Clayface''': Not yet. ''[transforms into Doctor Psycho]'' NOW I'm a literal piece of shit!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dr. Psycho''': So who do you need me to mind-control to open the door?
:'''Harley Quinn''': No, no. No one. Just squeeze into the crawlspace, get into the house, and open it from the inside.
:'''Dr. Psycho''': Are you shitting me? I'm a genius telepath! Why're you wasting me on THIS?
:'''Harley Quinn''': You're the only thing small enough to fit!
:'''Dr. Psycho''': Got it. Sonofabitch!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Harley Quinn''': Then they all ran off with that loser Kite Man!
:'''Poison Ivy''': Yeah, what a loser that guy is. Did he mention my name?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Poison Ivy''': Holy fucking shit, Harls. You did it. I would not have seen that coming.

===Finding Mr. Right [1.04]===
:'''Superman''': Is she mad about the paywall too? $7.99 is an ambitious price point, and it doesn't include the crossword, which is ridic.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Poison Ivy''': Harley! You can't kill him.
:'''Harley Quinn''': You don't think I can kill a 12 year old?! Oh, okay. Well, I will smash in his face with a [[w:Baseball bat|bat]] like a [[w:watermelon|WATERMELON]]!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Lois Lane''': I don't retract articles and I definitely not writing a puff piece about... What was your headline?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Joker''': Harley! What the fuck do you think you're doing? Are you trying to steal my Batman? 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Harley Quinn''': Robin's lying. Why would I fight a kid? I want a nemesis with some hair on their chest!
:'''Poison Ivy''': ''[snorts in amusement]'' Well, that rules out Batman. Catwoman says he waxes everything.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dr. Psycho''': Last week I was in the fucking Legion of Doom and now THIS is my life! 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Poison Ivy''': You can't fuck with Lois Lane, people.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Batman''': I'm gonna say something embarrassing here. I didn't have a nemesis until... my late twenties.
:'''Robin''': Don't patronize me, father, it's unbecoming.
:'''Batman''': It's true. I wasn't ready for one. You want your first nemesis to be special. Someone that you can see being your nemesis for the rest of your life.
:'''Robin''': I suppose you're right, father... When can I start having sex?
:'''Batman''': I... think I hear the bat-signal. ''[grappling-hooks away]''

===Being Harley Quinn [1.05]=== 
:'''Harley Quinn''': Hey, Ive, I think there's something really screwed up about me.
:'''Poison Ivy''': I wanna say this in just the most loving way, but there's ''no'' way that this is just occurring to you now.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''King Shark''': Sorry you didn't get that mack-in-a you were talkin' about—but at least that guy showed up outta nowhere to save us for no reason!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dr. Psycho''': Now everyone hold hands and squeeze your butt cheeks together.

===You're a Damn Good Cop, Jim Gordon [1.06]===
:'''Giganta''': You think I care about you or your jolly green whore?
:'''Poison Ivy''': Okay, I'm standing right here.
:'''Giganta''': I don't have time to give some review. I'm too busy getting cunnilingus from my new boyfriend Brad, who's amazing at it!
:'''Dr. Psycho''': [''scoffs''] Only weak men do that. [''Brad uses his tongue to sculpt a statue from ice cream''] Oh, fucking hell!
:'''Poison Ivy''': [''impressed''] Call me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Poison Ivy''': Quick side bar. How did ''this [i.e. being married to Giganta]'' work...sexually?
:'''Dr. Psycho''': Not great!
 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dr. Psycho''': [''rides an invisible motorcycle from a skyscraper''] I am a golden god! 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Poison Ivy''': I don't understand your obsession with the Legion of Doom. They are actual pieces of shit.
:'''Harley Quinn''': Obviously! But those pieces of shit were the only people Joker respected. I'll never match up to him unless I'm in the Legion too.
:'''Poison Ivy''': So let me get this straight: you're not over your ex, and you want to throw your success in his face.
:'''Harley Quinn''': Exactly!
:'''Poison Ivy''': Honestly, that might be the most relatable thing you've ever said.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Harley Quinn''': [''Looking around Batman's Batcave as she dangles from the ceiling''] So this must be where you fuck the bats. 
 
&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dr. Psycho''': [''to Harley''] Can you please fire me now so I can get some unemployment? 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Harley Quinn''': We're gonna rob Bruce Wayne!

===The Line [1.07]===
:'''Poison Ivy''': First of all, I care about the environment. Okay, I don't know what about that makes me a bad guy.
:'''Harley Quinn''': Yeah, says the girl who dissolved the head of Ace Chemicals in a bath of his own herbicide.
:'''Poison Ivy''': Best Earth Day ever.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Queen of Fables''': You know, no one ever talks about it, but it's almost impossible to get brain out of a cape. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Queen of Fables''': You fucked up, Harley
:'''Harley Quinn''': You know, I do a lot of that, so you're going to have to be more specific.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jason Praxis''': My cousin twice removed... completely removed.

===L.O.D.R.S.V.P. [1.08]===
:'''King Shark''': You're not my Dad!
:'''Aquaman''': That is contrary to what she said.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Aquaman breaks a fish tank in a fight, causing the fish to splash all over the floor''] 
:'''Bane''': Look! I am stomping on your fish!
:'''Aquaman''': Bane, stop it!
:''[Aquaman picks up as much sealife as he can]''
:'''Harley Quinn''': Hey, there's a YMCA pool down the street!
:'''Aquaman''': Oh, yeah, yeah! &quot;Just throw saltwater fish into a chlorinated pool! Water's water, I guess!&quot; Come on! What are you, four? 

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Poison Ivy''': Hey, buddy, now that you're done kissing your own asshole...
:'''Lex Luthor''': That's not a phrase.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Harley Quinn''': So you got a fish tank and you do improv?
:'''Poison Ivy''': Wow, you're my shitty college boyfriend.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Poison Ivy''': Is that what it stands for? I thought it was Legion of Dildos.
:'''Lex Luthor''': That is a sex shop down the street with whom we're currently in a protracted legal battle.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Poison Ivy''': Did someone call for...kelp?

===A Seat at the Table [1.09]===
:'''Bane''': I wish they would make another Up movie.
:'''Lex Luthor''': They can’t! The story was over at the end of the first.
:'''Scarecrow''': Unless... the kid is the old man in the sequel.
:'''Bane''': Oh, that’s fun! That’s a good one!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Harley Quinn''': When my mind is set, it is set. Hell, they blew out three electricshock machines at Arkham trying to get through to me. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Joker''': You know, everyone remembers me for the big crimes. The murders, the cripplings. But it's the little ones that keep me going. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''King Shark''': Instead of a boy, it's a fish, and instead of a wolf...
:'''Harley Quinn''': It's an orca.
:'''King Shark''': No! It's a wolf named Orca. But it can swim, which is terrifying!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Clayface''': What did you say to Black Manta to elicit such rage?
:'''Dr. Psycho''': Nothing racist...

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bane''': What is taking your shark friend so long to plant the bomb?
:'''Dr. Psycho''': Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's because he's a shark and not a demolitions expert!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Poison Ivy''': You're in a pot, Frank. I'd have to carry you.
:'''Frank the Plant''': So what? I carry you emotionally.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Clayface''': They put us in the goon pool.
:'''Harley Quinn''': Ooh, that sounds fun.
:'''Dr. Psycho''': Fun? It's not the fun kind of pool!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bane''': Is your card... the three of clubs?
:'''Harley Quinn''': No.
:'''Bane''': Fuck.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Harley Quinn''': I know you were just trying to protect me and, listen, I'm gonna do the same thing for you. Ok, just cause I'm a card carrying member of the Legion of Doom now...
:'''Poison Ivy''': Fuck that place in the ass!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Lex Luthor''': This is where we get approval for the use of Legion resources like goons and getaway cars...
:'''Bane''': And 'splosions!
:'''Lex Luthor''': I have no idea what the fuck &quot;'splosions&quot; are, Bane! But we do have ''explosives''.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bane''': The streets will run with razzy zazzy!

===Bensonhust [1.10]===
:'''Harley Quinn''': How much of this am I hallucinating?
:'''Dr. Harleen Quinzel''': Just me. Weirdly, the passed-out guy with the boner and the talking plant driving a car are both real.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bane''': The credit card is for emergencies only, but your bill is all candies and vape pens and something suspiciously labelled &quot;dolphin encounter&quot;! When you put out a hit, you pay in cash!
:'''Joshua Cobblepot''': Okay, fine, I'll cancel it!
:'''Bane''': Already done, because I am this credit card's reckoning! I am cutting this card, and I am cutting it in half— ''[tries cutting the card in half with childproof scissors]'' ...These blades are dull. I will bend it!
:'''Joshua Cobblepot''': Don't do that!
:'''Bane''': Too late! Do you think I want to be &quot;Credit Card Paying Man&quot;? I have dreams, too!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bane''': You could blow them up.
:'''Harley Quinn''': Ehh, not really my thing.
:'''Bane''': I could blow them up.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frank the Plant''': People shit on the WNBA, but I'm a purist. Get those dunks the fuck out my face. Gimme a nice crisp bounce pass. That's my shit. I'm all about the fundamentals. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Harley Quinn''': He broke every promise he ever made!
:'''Sharon Quinzel''': And he apologized for that and made a whole bunch of new ones.

===Harley Quinn Highway [1.11]===
:'''Scarecrow''': Tsk tsk tsk. Trying to escape on surgery day. Don't worry, insurance will cover it. ''[beat]'' ...Obviously that was a joke; insurance would never cover this. I-I think we can all agree they're the real villains, yeah?
:'''Poison Ivy''': I would agree with tha— ''[gets sedated]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Clayface''': Good thinking, old chum, knowing I would clog up its gears but it wouldn't kill me.
:'''Dr. Psycho''': Yeah, that was, uh, that was definitely a thing I knew.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Poison Ivy''': Who the fuck braided my hair?
:'''Sy Borgman''': Eh, I was bored.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mook''': She has no powers now, she's just a helpless woman!
:'''Poison Ivy''': Uh, who still has hands! [''picks up a gun and shoots him''] And the goddamn Second Amendment!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Clayface throws up clay, and reabsorbs the clay back into himself'']
:'''King Shark''': I do not know how you can live with yourself.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Harley Quinn''': Gentleman--and Psycho--begin Phase 2. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''King Shark''': That was incredibly violent. I did not realize there was so much stuff inside a tree. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frank the Plant''': Everybody feel that pucker in your asshole? That means shit is about to get real. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Frank the Plant''': [''to Harley''] Where'd you learn to give a speech? You put your thesis statement at the motherfuckin' top.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[The crew discovers that Ivy's biggest fear is... Harley?]''
:'''Frank the Plant''': Oh, shit!
:'''Clayface''': Dear God. We're [[The Empire Strikes Back|''Empire Strikes Back'']]-ing it!
:'''Frank the Plant''': You're her biggest fear? I did ''not'' see that coming. That's some [[w:M. Night Shyamalan|M. Night Shyamalama]] shit!

===Devil's Snare [1.12]===
:''' Poison Ivy''': We didn't do it. We aren't responsible for the tree monsters. I secretly watch NASCAR. I take long showers. I think paper straws are stupid and get too soggy. I was excited for Jazz Fest. ''[cries out in agony as the lasso glows]'' Fine. I was very excited for Jazz Fest!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Clayface:''' I know what we need! An idea! ... Anybody got one?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Clayface''': Oy! Bubbeh, it is I, Grandfather Wolf!
:'''Dr. Psycho''': Okay. First, that's a male wolf, dressed like an elderly human female. Second, why is your wolf Jewish?
:'''Clayface''': ...I took a swing.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Harley Quinn''': Nice save, Jerk-Off League!
:'''Superman''': That's not our name at all.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Ivy becomes a giant'']
:'''Dr. Psycho''': [''gets excited''] Thirty dollars if you put me in your pocket! [''everyone stares at him''] What? I got a type. You knew this.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Poison Ivy''': You know what? You're really taking the romance out of it when you just call it &quot;my plant control thing&quot;. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''King Shark''': Uh, I hate to be a downer, but we are completely and utterly screwed. Oh, I wore that well. Umm, maybe I don't hate being a downer. Ooh, maybe I shouldn't feel so much pressure to put a positive spin on things. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Harley Quinn''': All right, everybody, back in the tank. If you need to pee, now's your chance. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''King Shark''': People ask me who would win between a wolf and a shark. [''spits out a bone''] It's a shark.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Queen of Fables''': Word of advice: don't smell Rapunzel's hair. Ain't no shower in that tower.

===The Final Joke [1.13]===
:'''The Joker''': [''after throwing Harley into acid''] Wait a minute. Did anyone hear a splash? I've fallen in acid enough times to know that there should be a splash.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Batman''': I work alone.
:'''Commissioner Gordon''': What about me?
:'''Batman''': Not now, Jim.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Joker''': Now I know Batman is just some boring rich asshole with parental issues.
:'''Batman''': That's really reductive.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Joker''': What is wrong with me?
:'''Batman''': You're a sociopathic narcissist!
:'''The Joker''': It was rhetorical, asshole! And who do you think you are, a psychiatrist?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Joker''': WayneTech promised an electric car by this year! I put a deposit down! Where's my goddamn electric car, Bruce? 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''King Shark''': Harley, a few words?
:[''Harley stifles back her tears'']
:'''Clayface''': Let her grieve. I've prepared a little something. [''clears his throat while Harley sobs''] We have gathered today to pay respects to our beloved friend. Her death was not an empty sacrifice. And, of my friend, I will say just this. Of all the souls I have met on my journeys, hers was the most - human.
:'''Dr. Psycho''': Wow, that, uh [''sniffles''] Wasn't awful.
:'''Clayface''': As apropos a speech now as when it was originally delivered by William Shatner's Captain James Tiberius Kirk in Star Trek II: Wrath of Khan.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Joker''': I know I should have harpooned you in the head. One in the head, one in the heart. It's Harpooning 101. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:[''Joker kills Scarecrow'']
:'''The Joker''': ...Not even that was fun.

==Season 2==
===New Gotham [2.01]===
:'''Dr. Psycho''': Are we living in a mall or a zoo?
:'''King Shark''': I like to think of it as both now.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Harley Quinn''': Yuck, you worry too much, Ive.
:'''Poison Ivy''': Uhhh, you know I think I'm worrying the perfect amount, to be honest.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Penguin''': There's got to be a hierarchy.
:'''Two-Face''': Exactly! It goes super villains, sidekicks, goons that went to Harvard, and then goons.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Poison Ivy''': You know, I'm trying to be less of a know-it-all, so I'm just going to go read. I can't, it's killing me. I told you so! Okay, now I'm going to go read. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Harley Quinn''': Listen up, goons.
:'''Hench''': Excuse me, I identify as a hench.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Riddler''': We need goons! Now they all think they're us. If everyone is a villain, then no one is. 
:'''Two-Face''': And we need to get them back in line. We need structure.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Two-Face''': [''to Bane''] Can I ask you a serious question? Why are you so stupid? 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Harley Quinn''': This is what I've always wanted, Ivy. Anarchy and sushi. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Penguin''': Without your bat, you're just a defrosted gymnast!

===Riddle U [2.02]===
:'''King Shark''': Well, that was a surprisingly easy and delightful stroll across an apocalyptic wasteland.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Commissioner Gordon''': Best thing about chest hair. Chip catcher. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Harley Quinn''': What? It's an ice flue. You know I can't resist alcohol being poured down an icy surface.
:'''Poison Ivy''': No, I did not know that.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Harley Quinn''': Dammit! How is a girl supposed to plan her takeover of Gotham if she can't see her kill board!
:'''Poison Ivy''' ''(long-suffering look)'': It's only six people, Harls, and two of them were dead when you made the list.

===Trapped [2.03]===
:'''Kite Man''': Turns out in a post-apocalyptic world, kites are pretty crucial.
:'''Harley Quinn''': You know, you don't have to say that every time you drop us off, okay?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Harley Quinn''': And you're free to... umm, shut your trap, Trap! 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Harley Quinn''': Here, kitty, kitty! 
:'''Catwoman''': Are you always this impetuous?
:'''Harley Quinn''': Give me a dictionary, and I'll tell you.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Harley Quinn''': Ohh, now I've got smashing blue balls. [''breaks a nearby bust''] Ahh, now I can get on with my day.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Poison Ivy''': No, no see, you don't get it. Selina's like, she's so confident and cool. And somehow, she just like, draws you in by being aloof. You know, you just see her, and you're like, &quot;Ah, I want to be like that&quot;. And then, you see her wearing overalls, and you're like, &quot;Oh, maybe I want overalls&quot;. And then suddenly, you have a closet full of overalls that don't look good on you.

===Thawing Hearts [2.04]===
:'''Harley Quinn''': Everyone into the ice vagina. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Kite Man''': Hey, does uh this tie go with kite?
:'''Poison Ivy''': No tie goes with the kite.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''King Shark''': [''about Dr. Psycho''] You are a vile, pocket-sized man.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Harley Quinn''': Wait! I know how we can save your wife!
:'''Mister Freeze''': You're only saying you'll save her life to save your own.
:'''Harley Quinn''': So what, you don't want me savin' your wife's life? Okay, I won't.
:'''Mister Freeze''': Hey, relax, relax. Let's not jump to conclusions. This is a negotiation. How do you propose to perform this miracle?
:'''Harley Quinn''': My friend's a doctor and the smartest person I know.
:'''Doctor Psycho''': Wow! That's the nicest thing you've ever said about me.
:'''Harley Quinn''': Not you, idiot. Ivy.
:'''Doctor Psycho''': Yeah, that makes sense. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''King Shark''': Well, I hope you’re proud of yourself. You've falsely accused the most woke ice-themed villain in all of new New Gotham!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mister Freeze''': My beautiful girl. Goodbye, my love. Have the life I could never give you.

===Batman's Back, Man [2.05]===
:'''Commissioner Gordon''': Are you sitting?
:'''Batman''': Sometimes I sit.
:'''Commissioner Gordon''': Never seen it.
:'''Batman''': You don't know everything I do.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Alfred Pennyworth''': Why don't you come back to bed? I've made you a cup of honey tea and pigs in a blanket.
:'''Bruce Wayne''': I don't want pigs in a blanket: I want to fight crime! I will take that honey tea.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Commissioner Gordon''': Now I brought a list of things that I need you to pay for so I can take back the city. One: police officers. Two: a codpiece that I can wear that opens up and shoots a tiny missile.
:'''Bruce Wayne''': That doesn't exist.
:'''Commissioner Gordon''': Not. Yet. That's where you and your fat wallet come in.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bruce Wayne''': You can wipe that smug look off your face.
:'''Alfred Pennyworth''': That's not smug. This is smug.
:'''Bruce Wayne''': Devastating.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Alfred Pennyworth''': Your ego is writing checks your broken body cannot cash, sir.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Batman''': Do you still have a million followers?
:'''Batgirl''': Actually 1.3 million.
:'''Batman''': Yeah, but most of them are bots, right?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Teller''': We're not afraid of you any more.
:'''Two-Face''': What? Of course you are. Look at the guns, and half my face.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bane''': I was born in Hell and I demand respect!

===All the Best Inmates Have Daddy Issues [2.06]===
:'''Harleen Quinzel''': Mr. Dent, You can't burn inmates.
:'''Harvey Dent''': Not yet. But Prop 17 gives an exciting new definition to prisoners' rights.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Harleen Quinzel''': [''spits on Harvey Dent''] Fuck off, Two-Face! 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Poison Ivy''': ''You'' came up with 'Two-Face'?
:'''Harley Quinn''': And I didn't get a single royalty...

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Joker''': No matter how fun the crime is, eating alone is a real drag. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Joker''': You wanna know how I got these emotional scars?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Poison Ivy''': I guess the acid really did change him.
:'''Doctor Psycho''': Which is why I just smoke joints. [''Laughs alone''] Fuck you that was good one.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Commissioner Gordon''': So... got any plans for tonight, Batman?
:'''Batman''': Uhh, stop Joker from blowing up Gotham.
:'''Commissioner Gordon''': Yeah! Huh, of course. I meant, like, after that.

===There's No Place to Go but Down [2.07]===
:'''Poison Ivy''': I'm going to give you a piece of advice about sex at 10,000 feet. Don't do it into the wind. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bane''': You're probably wondering, &quot;Hey Bane, why no door?&quot; Because where would you escape to? You are in a pit! 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bane''': You cannot run from your problems, Harley. Hate weighs you down. Only love sets us free.
:'''Harley Quinn''' ''(realising what she has to do)'': Ivy.
:'''Poison Ivy''' ''(immediately getting it)'': No.
:'''Harley Quinn''': It's okay.
:'''Poison Ivy''': Don't, don't do this.
:'''Harley Quinn''': Have a good life, get married, make babies. Name them Harley. The girls and boys.
:'''Poison Ivy''': Harley!
:'''Harley Quinn''': See? It totally works. You know I love you. Bye, Ive. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Two-Face''': What, ya gonna write me a ticket?
:'''Commissioner Gordon''': A ticket TO HELL!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Victor Zsasz''': I would watch the light leave their eyes and know that their last thought was fear. But now I imagine myself in the bubble of calm and the urge to kill goes away. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Commissioner Gordon''': [''to Barbara''] Are you gonna lend a hand or is Batgirl too cool to help her dad in a montage where we skip past the hard parts of beating an alcohol addiction and cut to the part where I'm clean?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bane''': I am not only a judge, I am also a warden. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Man-Bat''': God dammit! This is bullshit!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Harley Quinn''': Let's not judge a lawyer by the fact he's a bat.

===Inner (Para) Demons [2.08]===
:'''King Shark''': I promised myself I'd never kill an old person. I'd let the American health system do that. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''King Shark''': There goes my New Year's resolution to not bite my nails or jump into any interdimensional portals. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dr. Psycho''': [''excited''] I am rock hard right now!
:'''King Shark''': That's nasty.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dr. Psycho''': Wait, who are you?
:'''Batgirl''': Um, Batgirl. Anyway…
:'''Dr. Psycho''': All right. You know what? As a community, we should really get together and start coming up with more creative names. This is bullshit.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Harley Quinn''': So I am going to lie very high! 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Commissioner Gordon''': Citizens of Gotham! You’re here today because you answered the call. We have an opportunity to save our beloved Gotham City and get back our rightful place in the United States. That means clean water, fresh food, and overpriced Internet providers!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Harley Quinn''': So I just got to beat up an old lady and I get an army? I can do that.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Poison Ivy''': (''to Kite Man's parents'') You know what? Fuck you guys. Yeah, I said, fuck you. Because first of all, I'm the one who messed up the goddamn reservation, okay. Chuck asked me several times not to forget, because for some reason he cares about you two. And then, he took the heat for it because he cares about me, and for some reason, what you two think about me. So, yeah! He's a kind, loving, supportive partner. And the only miracle here is that you two ghouls somehow raised him. And another thing, he's not lucky to have me, I'm lucky to have him! So, fuck off!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Harley Quinn''': Probably be best if you turn around your merry band of meatbags.
:'''Commissioner Gordon''': And why the hell would I do that?
:[''Doctor Psycho laughs maniacally from another dimension'']
:'''Harley Quinn''': Gordo, I have a flying army from a hell planet under my control.
:'''Commissioner Gordon''': Well, I made my decision! And I never back down from my decisions. It’s a terrible quality that has ruined most of my personal relationships, so bring it!

===Bachelorette [2.09]===
:'''King Shark''': Are there other part of your argument besides being able to defecate wherever you want?  

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Nora Fries''': I know I'm just a pity invite because you killed my husband.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Poison Ivy''': Uh, look, I know this isn't like a friend group so much as, like, a disparate collection of strange women I glommed on to during the most difficult stages of my life, so…

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''King Shark''': I'm picking up some vibes that maybe you don't wanna get married to me.
:'''Tabitha''': What gave it away? The fact that I've managed to chain-smoke even though I'm underwater?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Jennifer''': Murder? I don't know. I work in life insurance. … These are bottomless, right? [''Amazon shakes her head''] Okay, let's kill her. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Poison Ivy''': This is for selling out nature and women and--
:'''Jennifer''': Not having bottomless mimosas.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''King Shark''': Tabitha and I worked it out. We'll stay married publicly, but we're each allowed to have secret relationships. I mean, sure, we could probably get along and have a very milquetoast marriage, but I don't want that. I wanna be with someone who excites me. Where love isn't safe, the kind of love that doesn't have limits. I want a soulmate.

===Dye Hard [2.10]===
:'''Dr. Psycho''': [''to Riddler''] Oh, shut the fuck up! Can't you see I'm trying to elegantly end this conversation with this mechanical fossil? Good luck getting out again, fuck head!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Joker''': The storybook is real? Where is it?
:'''Harley Quinn''': I don't know, but I think you do. Are you sure you can't just remember?
:'''The Joker''': It's like I see the book, but… everything else is cloudy.
:'''Harley Quinn''': That's disappointing because I really, really, really don't wanna have to do this.
:'''The Joker''': Do what?
:'''Harley Quinn''': I'll be seein' ya soon, Mistah J.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dr. Psycho''': The point is, I'm gonna do what you never could, because you are a pussy!
:'''Harley Quinn''': Pussies are powerful. They birthed all of humanity!
:'''Commissioner Gordon''': I was a C-Section.

===A Fight Worth Fighting For [2.11]===
:'''The Joker''': You know, I thought I had the perfect life before I met you. Maiming, killing, causing general chaos. I thought I had it all. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Darkseid''': Who interrupts Darkseid's quest for the Anti-Life Equation?
:'''Dr. Psycho''': Uh, it is, hmm hmm, I, Dr. Psycho.
:'''Darkseid''': Ah, the dwarf who called Wonder Woman a slur that not even I dare utter.
:'''Dr. Psycho''': Gah, that was, like, two years ago. Also, &quot;dwarf&quot; is considered a slur, just FYI. This isn't 'Wizard of Oz'.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bethany''': That's fuckin' ridiculous.
:'''The Joker''': Is it any more ridiculous than pointing that gun at my face? The gun you think little Sofia and Benicio don't know about? The gun you've never loaded or shot in your life? [''The Joker takes the gun away''] Soy yo, pudding.
:'''Bethany''': Mi corazon.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Joker''': Lots of dads are serial killers. I'm not going to change who I am.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Joker''': Bethany and I used to cuddle just like that. God, we could just sit on the couch and talk about nothing for hours. We just got each other. She always had my back. … Good God! That's true love. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dr. Psycho''': All right. I'm gonna make this quick. When I was a little boy, my mother brought me to the county fair. There was a Ferris Wheel. A big, beautiful thing, and you had to be a certain height to ride it. And, of course, I was too short. But, my mother would always say, 'Patience, Eddie. I'm sure next year you're gonna be big enough.' Let me tell you right now. The next year rolled around, and I hadn't gotten any taller. Years went by. I hung upside down from my ankles for hours. I took growth hormones. Anything to ride that big wheel in the sky. I never did get there. But, then, one day, somethin' very unexpected happened. All those people fell to their death! And it was a rush! I thought it was so satisfying to watch all those people die! And, that's when I decided to hate women.
:'''Darkseid''': I'm not sure that tracks.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Joker''': I wanna give this a shot. ¿Y tú, mi amor?

===Lovers' Quarrel [2.12]===
:'''Batman''': ''[in flirty tone]'' Wonder Woman, you look bangin'.
:'''Harley Quinn''': What?
:'''Wonder Woman''': Batman, are those pecs real or is it just the suit? ''[giggles]''
:'''Harley Quinn''': Gross.
:'''Superman''': These pecs are definitely real. Give them a grab. Don't-a be shy.
:'''Harley Quinn''': Oh, gross! Did you just spray them with Ivy's love pheromones?!
:'''Wonder Woman''': ''[in flirty tone]'' Maybe we should see what's under these costumes. ''[giggles]''
:'''Harley Quinn''': Or not! A lot of not! PLEASE, NOT!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Wonder Woman''': [''after lassoing a Parademon''] I'll only ask once: where is Dr. Psycho?
:[''Parademon screeches. Confused, Wonder Woman turns to Superman'']
:'''Superman''': Oh, what, because I'm an alien, I understand all alien languages? [''Wonder Woman's eyes widen''] OK, I know a little Parademon, but it's still a racist assumption. Be better.
:[''Wonder Woman rolls her eyes'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bane''': [''upon seeing the projection of Harley and Ivy having sex''] I had a feeling. The tension was palpable. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''The Joker''': [''upon seeing the projection of Harley and Ivy having sex''] Oh-ho-ho! She's still limber! 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''King Shark''': [''upon seeing the projection of Harley and Ivy having sex''] Oh, this is gonna affect the crew dynamic in a messy and complicated manner. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Harley Quinn''': I sometimes can't get over the fact that Ivy has sex with you.
:'''Kite Man''': Oh. She does.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Superman''': Poison Ivy, we know that you're under Doctor Psycho's mind-control. So I give you this warning. I, Kal-El, do say-
:'''Wonder Woman''': We don't wanna have to take you out but if you don't give us another option, we will. That's what he was getting to.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Kite Man''': My kite senses are fluttering. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Darkseid''': Darkseid is... leaving. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dr. Psycho''': Oh, I need a cigarette.
:[''passes out'']

===The Runaway Bridesmaid [2.13]===
:'''Frank the Plant''': [''banging in a florist van''] Pollen season in this bitch! POLLEN SEASON! 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Harley Quinn''': [''driving''] Where's the exit?
:'''Poison Ivy''': Oh, for the shit of shits! This is why I didn't want to get married here, the parking lot is a damn maze!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Poison Ivy''': Chuck, I hate that I hurt you. You know, you deserve everything. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Harley Quinn''': If I can't fuck up Ivy's wedding, no one can!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''King Shark''': Wedding are a joyful occasion. You know, unless you're one of the bridesmaids. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Poison Ivy''': Okay, let's do this!
:'''Kite Man''': Hell NO!
:'''Poison Ivy, Harley Quinn''': What?
:'''Kite Man''': I should have known the third time I proposed, every step in our relationship I've had to do over, and over, and OVER! And-and-and I'm not... after all of this, I am NOT redoing my wedding!
:'''Poison Ivy''': Don't... don't you want to marry me?
:'''Kite Man''': Of course I do! But you don't! I saw your face during the vows, and I knew your heart wasn't in it. I may be simple, but I'm not a fool. It is hard for me to finally admit it, but since you refused to, I will. I'm not the person for you!
:'''Poison Ivy''': No... ah, shit...
:'''Kite Man''': Like you said, Ivy, I deserve the best.
:[''Kite Man flies off'']

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Commissioner Gordon''': I got into public service to shoot bad guys, allowing for the occasional accidental shooting of an innocent because no one's perfect! 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Two-Face''': I can run your whole campaign from behind bars, like a real campaign manager. 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Harley Quinn''': I'm really sorry, Ivy! Kite Man will come around, he always does!
:'''Poison Ivy''': Yeah, but you know what? I won't! I mean, he's right! I've been denying a lot of myself for a long time! I guess, I guess it seemed easier for me to just go along with it, you know? And now I realize I hurt a lot of people delaying the inevitable!
:'''Harley Quinn''': Well, people change!
:'''Poison Ivy''': Yeah! Yeah, people DO change! I mean look at you, what you did for me today! You... you showed me the Harley I always wanted to see, you know?
:'''Harley Quinn''': You... you don't think I'm chaotic, crazy and make a bunch of messes?
:'''Poison Ivy''': No, you definitely do that. But you're trying to grow, and actually doing it! And that... I mean, for me, that is what matters!
:'''Harley Quinn''': I love you, Ives!
:'''Poison Ivy''': [''smiles''] I love you too, Harles.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Poison Ivy''': Keep your eyes on the road! I love you, but Jesus...!

==Season 3==
===Harlivy [3.01]===

===There's No Ivy in Team [3.02]===

===The 83rd Annual Villy Awards [3.03]===

===A Thief, A Mole, An Orgy [3.04]===

===It's a Swamp Thing [3.05]===

==Cast==
* [[w:Kaley Cuoco|Kaley Cuoco]] as [[w:Harley Quinn|Dr. Harleen Quinzel / Harley Quinn]]
* [[w:Lake Bell|Lake Bell]] as [[w:Poison Ivy (character)|Dr. Pamela Isley / Poison Ivy]]
* [[w:Diedrich Bader|Diedrich Bader]] as [[w:Batman|Bruce Wayne / Batman]]
* [[w:Alan Tudyk|Alan Tudyk]] as [[w:Joker (character)|Joker]], [[w:Clayface|Basil Karlo / Clayface]], [[w:Calendar Man|Julian Day / Calendar Man]], Doctor Trap 
* [[w:Ron Funches|Ron Funches]] as [[w:King Shark|Nanaue / King Shark]]
* [[w:Tony Hale|Tony Hale]] as [[w:Doctor Psycho|Dr. Edgar Cizko / Doctor Psycho]], [[w:Felix Faust|Felix Faust]]
* [[w:Jason Alexander|Jason Alexander]] as Sy Borgman 
* [[w:J.B. Smoove|J.B. Smoove]] as Frank the Plant 
* [[w:Matt Oberg|Matt Oberg]] as [[w:Kite Man|Charles &quot;Chuck&quot; Brown / Kite Man]], [[w:Killer Croc|Waylon Jones / Killer Croc]], [[w:KGBeast|Anatoly Knyazev / KGBeast]] 
* [[w:Christopher Meloni|Christopher Meloni]] as [[w:James Gordon (character)|Commissioner James Gordon]] 
* [[w:Andy Daly|Andy Daly]] as [[w:Two-Face|Harvey Dent / Two-Face]]
* [[w:Jim Rash|Jim Rash]] as [[w:Riddler|Edward Nygma / The Riddler]] 
* [[w:James Adomian|James Adomian]] as [[w:Bane (DC Comics)|Bane]], [[w:Ratcatcher (comics)|Ratcatcher]], Chaz, Ian 
* Briana Cuoco as [[w:Barbara Gordon|Barbara Gordon / Batgirl]]
* [[w:Giancarlo Esposito|Giancarlo Esposito]] as [[w:Lex Luthor|Lex Luthor]]
* [[w:Rahul Kohli|Rahul Kohli]] as [[w:Scarecrow (DC Comics)|Jonathan Crane / The Scarecrow]]
* [[w:Wayne Knight|Wayne Knight]] as [[w:Penguin (character)|Oswald Cobblepot / The Penguin]] 
* [[w:Jacob Trembalay|Jacob Trembalay]] as [[w:Damian Wayne|Damian Wayne / Robin]]
* [[w:Wanda Sykes|Wanda Sykes]] as [[w:Queen of Fables|Queen of Fables]]
* [[w:James Wolk|James Wolk]] as [[w:Superman|Kal-El / Clark Kent / Superman]]
* [[w:Vanessa Marshall|Vanessa Marshall]] as [[w:Wonder Woman|Princess Diana / Wonder Woman]]
* [[w:Chris Diamantopoulos|Chris Diamanatopoulos]] as [[w:Aquaman|Arthur Curry / Aquaman]]
* [[w:Alfred Molina|Alfred Molina]] as [[w:Mr. Freeze|Victor Fries / Mr. Freeze]] 
* [[w:Sanaa Lathan|Sanaa Lathan]] as [[w:Catwoman|Selina Kyle / Catwoman]] 
* [[w:Natalie Morales|Natalie Morales]] as [[w:Lois Lane|Lois Lane]]
* [[w:Tom Hollander|Tom Hollander]] as [[w:Alfred Pennyworth|Alfred Pennyworth]]
* [[w:Michael Ironside|Michael Ironside]] as [[w:Darkseid|Darkseid]] 
* [[w:Rachel Dratch|Rachel Dratch]] as [[w:Nora Fries|Nora Fries]], [[w:Hippolyta (DC Comics)|Queen Hippolyta]]
* [[w:Brad Morris|Brad Morris]] as [[w:Victor Zsasz|Victor Zsasz]]  
* [[w:Sean Giambrone|Sean Giambrone]] as Joshua Cobblepot
* [[w:Susie Essman|Susie Essman]] as Sharon Quinzel
* [[w:Justina Machado|Justina Machado]] as Bethany 
* [[w:Mary Holland|Mary Holland]] as Jennifer, Tabitha

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
[[Category:2010s American adult animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s American adult animated TV shows]]
[[Category:2010s American black comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:2020s American black comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Traditionally adult animated TV shows]]
[[Category:American adult animated action TV shows]]
[[Category:American adult animated comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:American adult animated superhero TV shows]]
[[Category:Current shows]]
[[Category:DC Universe shows]]
[[Category:HBO Max shows]]
[[Category:Television series by Warner Bros. Animation]]</text>
      <sha1>fqkcogokqyc8r8edb4s53jq8qfh34x4</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Adapter</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>223772</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153538</id>
      <parentid>3153493</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T13:41:45Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
      <comment>Reverted edit by [[User:2.51.65.112|2.51.65.112]] ([[User talk:2.51.65.112|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/2.51.65.112|contributions]]) to last version by Illegitimate Barrister</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="558" xml:space="preserve">An '''[[w:Adapter|adapter]]''' is a device that converts attributes of one device or system to those of an otherwise incompatible device or system. Some modify power or signal attributes, while others merely adapt the physical form of one connector to another.
{{Stub}}
==Quotes==
*Adapt to this, but you need no adapter, this is just the first chapter.
**[[w:RBX|Eric D. Collins]], [https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/drdre/highpowered.html &quot;High Powered&quot;] (1992), ''The Chronic'', Death Row Records
==External links==
*{{Wikipedia-inline}}
[[Category:Themes]]</text>
      <sha1>pgjirzil3xscxmqyu0u17konoobg2oh</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Pokémon/Season 19</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>231346</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153619</id>
      <parentid>3151365</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T18:02:37Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>24.64.96.171</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Master Class Choices! */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="16195" xml:space="preserve">:'''Seasons:'''  [[Pokémon/Season 1|1]] [[Pokémon/Season 2|2]] [[Pokémon/Season 3|3]] [[Pokémon/Season 4|4]] [[Pokémon/Season 5|5]] [[Pokémon/Season 6|6]] [[Pokémon/Season 7|7]] [[Pokémon/Season 8|8]] [[Pokémon/Season 9|9]] [[Pokémon/Season 10|10]] [[Pokémon/Season 11|11]] [[Pokémon/Season 12|12]] [[Pokémon/Season 13|13]] [[Pokémon/Season 14|14]] [[Pokémon/Season 15|15]] [[Pokémon/Season 16|16]] [[Pokémon/Season 17|17]] [[Pokemon/Season 18|18]] [[Pokémon/Season 19|19]] [[Pokémon/Season 20|20]] [[Pokémon/Season 21|21]] [[Pokémon/Season 22|22]] [[Pokémon/Season 23|23]]| [[Pokémon|Main]]

This is a list of episodes from the 19th season of Pokemon, entitled, Pokemon the Series: XYZ.

==From A to Z!==
:''[Segueing into commercial break]''
:'''Ash, Serena, Clemont &amp; Bonnie''': Who's that Pokemon? 
:''[a silhouette of Squishy is shown as its leitmotif plays.]''

:''[Segueing out of commercial break]''
:'''Ash, Serena &amp; and Clemont''': Iiiit's... umm...
:'''Bonnie''': ''[enthusiastically] Squishy!! ''[who is revealed to be a Zygarde Core later on]''
:''[Squishy's cry plays.]''

==Love Strikes! Eevee Yikes!==

==A Giga Battle with Mega Results!==

==A Fiery Rite of Passage!==

==Dream a Little Dream from Me!==

==The Legend of the Ninja Hero!==

==A Festival of Decisions!==
:''[Ash's Frogadier is glowing triggering its evolution!]''
:'''Ash''': Frogadier, whoa! ''[Frogadier's evolution sends Bisharp to fly backwards.]''
:'''Shinobu''': Frogadier is evolving!
:''[A few seconds later, it is now a Greninja. Ash scans it with his Pokedex.]''
:'''Kalos Pokedex''': Greninja, the Ninja Pokémon, and the final evolved form of Froakie. Greninja can compress water into sharp-edged throwing stars. With the grace of a ninja, it slips in and out of sight to attack from the shadows. ''[Note: Greninja is the first fully evolved Water-type Starter to be owned by a main protagonist. This is because people are sick of the overused plot point of not allowing a main protagonist owned Water-typed Starter to fully evolve (Brock's Marshtomp, May's Wartortle, Dawn's Piplup, Ash's Squirtle, Totodile and Oshawott). In addition, many fans were fed up with the writers not allowing six of Ash's Water-type Pokemon to fully evolve (Squirtle, Totodile, Corphish, Buizel, Oshawott and Palpitoad). Hopefully, Ash will fully evolve the aforementioned other Water-type Pokemon reserves in the near future.]''

==A Dancing Debut!==

==Meeting at Terminus Cave!==

==A Cellular Connection!==

==A Windswept Encounter!==

==Party Dancecapades!==
:'''Serena''': ONE AT A TIME! WAIT YOUR TURN! You won't get brushed if you act up!

==A Meeting of Two Journeys!==

==An Explosive Operation!==

==A Watershed Moment!==

==Master Class Choices!==
:'''Amelia''': Hold on! This is unacceptable! Mine was a much more polished performance than hers [Serena's] was!
:'''Serena''': (eavesdropping) Is that... ''[Her Pokemon tell her to shush]''
:'''Palermo''': ''[annoyed]'' Yet the fact remains you lost. That's simply how the audience judged it. ''[Amelia gets pouty]'' Isn't there something more productive you could be doing now?
:'''Amelia''': But I want to become a better performer than Aria! ''[Serena continues hearing it, a bit shocked]''
:'''Palermo''': You can't just win with a perfect score. The only person who could come up with something more than that is you. ''[In other words, whining to someone about the results of your performance is not going to benefit you in the long run. Amelia walks away taking the lesson to heart.]''

==An Electrifying Rage!==

==Unlocking Some Respect!==

==Master Class is in Session!==

==Performing a Pathway to the Future!==

==A Keeper for Keeps?==
:'''Bonnie''': Excuse me, but I'm hungry too, you know!
:'''Clemont''': But you just ate a little while ago.
:'''Bonnie''': Whatever.
:'''Lilia''': Hey look. Buneary seems to like Bunnelby.
:''[Lilia's Buneary cuddles up with Bunnelby, much to the jealousy of Chespin and Pancham and Bunnelby's discomfort]''
:'''Pancham''': ''[whispering into Chespin's ear]'' Pancham-cham. [I got an idea...]
:'''Chespin''': ''[pushes Bunnelby away]'' Chespin...[Stand aside buddy.]
:'''Buneary''': Bun? [Huh?!]
:'''Chespin''': Chespin-ches! [Hey there cutie!]
:'''Buneary''': ''[swats Chespin away with its ears]'' Buneary! [Go away!]
:'''Pancham''': Pancham. [Hi sweetie!]
:'''Buneary''': BUNEARY! [GET LOST!] ''[does the same thing to Pancham, before resuming its cuddling with Bunnelby]''

==Battling at Full Volume!==
:''[Ash is sick and lands headfirst into Serena's arms.]''
:'''Ash''': Now's our chance. Now. Now.
:'''Serena''': What's wrong?
:'''Ash''': I...I...
:'''Serena''': I what? ''[Serena is now flustered, thinking Ash might admit his feelings to her, saying &quot;I love you&quot; or something similar. You know the drill...]''
:'''Ash''': I...I...Iron Tail, Pikachu...''[collapses, causing everyone else to panic!]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Serena appears wearing Ash's clothes! Braixen, Pancham, Sylveon all stare at her as if to say, &quot;What the heck is she doing?! Did she just...&quot;]''
:'''Serena''': ''[tries to put on Ash's voice]'' Here I am! I'm Ash Ketchum from Pallet Town. ''[Oh dear...]''

==The Synchronicity Test!==

==Making Friends and Influencing Villains!==

==Championing a Research Battle!==
:'''Diantha''': You take care of Ash, and I'll take care of this!
:'''Clemont &amp; Serena''': Right!
:''[Diantha turns to face Team Rocket]''
:'''Diantha''': '''''Don't you dare underestimate my Gardevoir!''''' Now Gardevoir, full power!
:'''Jessie''': A tone-deaf waste of time!

==A Full-Strength Battle Surprise!==

==All Hail the Ice Battlefield!==

==Seeing the Forest for the Trees!==

==A Real Icebreaker!==

==A Diamond in the Rough!==

==A Gaggle of Gadget Greatness!==

==A League of His Own!==
:'''Malva''': Excuse me? ''[rushes over to Ash]'' Are you competing in the Kalos League?
:'''Ash''': Uhhh...that's right.
:'''Malva''': Will you let me interview you?
:'''Ash''': Huh...you want to interview me? 

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[As Ash rushes to the stadium to get ready for battle, he is intercepted by Everett, the Furfrou trainer from earlier.]''
:'''Everett''': So, we meet again. ''[Ash is shocked]'' Let's have a battle.
:'''Ash''': But I've got a battle out there. 
:'''Everett''': You promised.
:''[a flashback of Ash's promise is revealed]''
:'''Ash''': I know I did say the next time. ''[Pikachu is protesting]'' I'm keeping my word! I have to do it. ''[Are you crazy Ash? Don't you have an upcoming League battle to worry about?!]'' 
:'''Everett''': That's what I want to hear from a Trainer who won eight badges. A one on one battle, no holding back!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ash''': You're strong alright, but I'm just gonna have to beat you so I can get out there. I didn't make it to the Kalos League for nothing, you know. ''[All eight Kalos Gym leaders are shown with their badges: Viola and her Bug Badge, Grant and his Cliff Badge, Korrina and her Rumble Badge, Ramos and his Plant Badge, Clemont and his Voltage Badge, Valerie and her Fairy Badge, Olympia and her Psychic Badge, Wulfric and his Iceberg Badge]'' I've got a lot of memories associated with each and every Gym badge I've won. Get ready for this, I'll show you what they all mean.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Ash had just defeated Everett's Furfrou]''
:'''Everett''': Furfrou, no!
:'''Ash''': (Bowing) Thank you for the battle.
:'''Everett''': You really beat me. (Recalls Furfrou and starts sobbing when Ash walks past) I couldn't get all eight badges in time. The thing is, there are lots of trainers like me who wanted to compete here. All those trainers with all their dreams and all their hopes... you better win no matter what. ''[Note: While people do criticize Ash for losing leagues, one thing people can agree on is that at least Ash qualified for them. This was a reminder to fans that not all people are able to meet the requirements in time for the League.]''

==Valuable Experience for All!==
:'''Ash''': Almost time for the Kalos League!
:'''Goodra''': Goodra! [Awesome!]
: '''Ash''': If I can make it to the semi-finals, it'll be six on six. But right now, I only have five Pokemon. I thought maybe Professor Oak could send me one. Instead, there's someone else I want to battle with. 
:'''Goodra''': Goo? [Who?]
:'''Ash''': And Goodra, that's you! Please battle by my side at the Kalos League!
:'''Goodra''': Goo! Goodra! Goodra Goo! [Sure thing! I won't let you down! Thanks Ash!] ''[Note: Because of the release of Omega Ruby and Alpha Sapphire (Hoenn Remakes) around the time the XY initially aired, the writers reused the same premise by having Ash only rely on his Kalos team, exactly like he did in the Hoenn League. This is one of the main flaws of the XY series: it recycles way too many story elements from the Ruby and Sapphire anime. Also, this overused story element of Ash disregarding his reserves is getting old!]''

==Analysis Versus Passion!==

==A Riveting Rivalry!==

==Kalos League Passion with a Certain Flare!==

==Finals Not for the Faint-Hearted!==

==Down to the Fiery Finish!==

==A Towering Takeover!==

==Coming Apart at the Dreams!==
:''[Alain stares at the destruction of Lumiose City. He punches the ground in anger and frustration.]''
:'''Alain''': Mairin. Chespin. Is this the reason I had all those battle? All of them FOR THIS?!
:[''Note: The whole purpose of Alain's victory at the Kalos League was to show an example of pyrrhic victory- winning at a terrible price. Alain may have been the better battler than Ash, but he was not a better person due to bringing destruction to Kalos.]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Lysandre''': For Chespie's sake. For Mairin's sake too. Your wish had pure intent. A truly noble wish indeed. ''[Was your achievement really worth it, Alain?]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Lysandre''': So Ash, I'm going to use your Bond Phenomenon in service to my new world. You're able to gain the power strength without a Keystone, purely through your bond. When I saw that, I was thrilled. Ash, you have shown me there are limitless possibilities with Pokemon still and I want that power for myself. ''[two drones fly towards Ash and Greninja and shoot the two with a brainwashed ray]'' The energy is powerful enough to control Zygarde. But now, Ash, now, Greninja, I am also going to control your Bond Phenomenon.
:'''Ash''': No way...
:'''Lysandre''': From this point on, both of you will answer to me.

==The Right Hero for the Right Job!==

==Rocking Kalos Defenses!==

==Forming a More Perfect Union!==

==Battling With a Clean Slate!==

==The First Day of the Rest of Your Life!==

==Facing the Needs of the Many!==
:''[Note: This is considered by many to be the worst episode in the anime's history, due to the release of Greninja, one of Ash's ace Pokémon, and bringing back the evil roots that were already destroyed during the Team Flare arc. But, after Zygarde gives context, some may think it's a reasonable sacrifice to keep Ash, his friends, and his world intact.]''

:'''Clemont''': It's YOU!
:'''Serena''': Clemont, who's he?
:'''Clemont''': XEROSIC! Team Flare's scientist! I battled him!
:'''Xerosic''': True, I lost to you back then. But I'm miraciously back! And I'm now in the process of creating... Team Neo-Flare!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Zygarde (Z2)''': ''[in it's 50% Forme, speaking telepathically]'' Greninja, I've come to ask a favor of you.
:'''Pikachu''': Pika? [Huh, is that...]
:'''Serena''': Was that the voice of Zygarde?
:'''Ash''': It's telepathy.
:'''Zygarde''': The vines that reappeared, the roots have burrowed themselves deep into the ground, and they emerge by absorbing negative energy. What we destroyed was merely on the surface. The scars from the incident that nearly destroyed the world are deep! The two of us are destroying the roots that are scattered throughout Kalos one by one.
:'''Squishy''': ''[telepathically]'' However, it's difficult for even ''me'' to pinpoint their exact locations, yet, Greninja, it seems that ''you'' are somehow able to locate them.
:'''Greninja''': ''[in its Ash-Greninja form]'' Ja. [Yes]
:'''Ash''': ''[gasps, then remembers the negative energy from the evil roots]'' So that was the ''negative'' energy...!
:'''Zygarde''': I do not know why only ''you'' possessed that power, but I am in ''need'' of your assistance.
:'''Squishy''': Will you help us with your power?
:'''Bonnie''': Power?
:'''Serena''': Does that mean...? ''[Yes Serena, it is happening...]''
:'''Bonnie''': ''[Gasps as Ash walks up to Greninja, which is now faced with the decision of its life.]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Ash''': What'll it be...? Greninja?
:''Greninja turns around and closes its eyes in a serious manner.]''
:'''Ash'': ''[solemnly]'' I know. What happened before can never happen again.
:''[Greninja nods to Ash.]''
:'''Ash''': Remember what Professor Sycamore said?
:''[A flashback of Greninja taking Pikachu's deflected Electro Ball to keep Pikachu healthy as a Froakie plays out, followed by the scene where Ash rushes to Sycamore's lab with it barely conscious in his arms.]''
:'''Ash''': That may be... it wasn't a coincidence that I met you way back when you were still a ''Froakie''. I think that maybe, he was right. It ''wasn't'' a coincidence.
:''[Flashbacks of Froakie evolving into Frogadier and later defeating Anistar City Gym Leader Olympia play.]''
:'''Ash''': That when you and I power up, it ''isn't'' an accident. Maybe your power was always meant for this moment.
:''[Flashbacks of Frogadier evolving into Greninja, battling Sawyer's Sceptile, and saving a Spewpa in the Winding Woods, followed by it and Ash shaking hands, play.] 
:'''Greninja''': Ninja.
:'''Ash''': Thanks. You always became stronger to help someone else. So now this time, you'll help Kalos and the ''world''!
:It's like something's telling you that what you need to do now is find all that negative energy! Don't worry! We'll always be connected, even we're not in the same place!
:The truth is, we won't ever ''really'' be apart.
:'''Pikachu''': ''[concerned]'' Pikachu?
:'''Ash''': This is what you've gotta do!
:'''Greninja''': ''[nodding its head in understanding, realizing the future of the world of Pokémon lies in its hands]'' Gren. 
:''[It walks up to Ash and extends its arm out.]''
:''[Ash and Greninja clasp hands and embrace.]''
:'''Ash''': ''[emotionally]'' Oh, Greninja...
:'''Greninja''': ''[emotionally]'' Greninja...
:''[Serena, Clemont and Bonnie watch in shocked sadness as Greninja turns away from Ash and walks towards Squishy and Z-2.]''
:'''Ash''': ''[with tears in his eyes]'' That's right. This is how it has to be.
:'''Greninja''': Greninja. ''[It extends its arm to Squishy.]''
:'''Squishy''': ''[telepathically]'' Thank you. 
:''[to Ash]'' Ash, Greninja will be in my care.
:'''Ash''': Yeah! I'm counting on you, Squishy!
:'''Bonnie''': ''[concerned about the future of her and Squishy's friendship]'' Hey, Squishy...?
:'''Squishy''': We probably won't see each other for a while, Bonnie...
:'''Bonnie''': ''[almost breaks down crying, but is suddenly cheerful through her tears]'' It's okay! I know that you've got a lot of important work to do! I'll always be cheering you on, you know?
:'''Squishy''': I'll always be with you too, Bonnie.
:'''Bonnie''': I'll come and find you when I become a Trainer! We'll be together again, that's a promise! ''[hopefully this becomes canon soon, same with Max and his Ralts friend...]''
:'''Dedenne''': ''[emotionally]'' Dedenne!
:'''Squishy''': Yes, that's a promise!
:''(Dedenne and the rest of Ash's Pokémon express their farewells to Squishy, Z2, and, most importantly, Greninja)''
:'''Ash''': Take care of yourself, Greninja!
:'''Bonnie''': You too, Squishy! Take care!!
:''(Greninja holds Squishy in its hand and looks back as it leaves Ash and his friends)''
:'''Greninja''': Greninja.
:'''Narrator''': Greninja and Ash may be parting ways, but this also means the beginning of new encounters! In search of their own new encounters, our heroes will no doubt experience many new and exciting adventures, as the journey continues!

==Till We Compete Again!==

[[Category:Japanese TV shows]]
[[Category:Anime and manga series]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Hussain Ahmed Madani</title>
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        <username>TheAafi</username>
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      <comment>placing :en: before the name should link to the English Wikipedia article</comment>
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      <text bytes="1144" xml:space="preserve">'''[[:en:Hussain Ahmed Madani|Hussain Ahmed Madani]]''' (6 October 1879 – 5 December 1957) was  an [[India]]n [[Islamic scholar]], serving as the 5th principal of [[Darul Uloom Deoband]]. He was among the first recipients of the civilian honour of [[:en:Padma Bhushan|Padma Bhushan]] in 1954.

==Quotes==
*&quot;Loving the religion and people of religion is a great thing. However, to focus on the faults of others whilst not assessing one’s own faults is incorrect.’’ 
** Hussain Ahmad Madani, ''Malfuzat Hadrat Madani, p.76 (Delhi: Dar al-Isha‘at, July 1998 ed.) by Mawlana Abu ‘l-Hasan Barah Bankwi''

*‘‘ The blessed age of youth is extremely valuable; adorn it with the pleasant hues of Allah’s remembrance.’’
** Hussain Ahmad Madani ''Malfuzat Hadrat Madani, p.83 (Delhi: Dar al-Isha‘at, July 1998 ed.) by Mawlana Abu ‘l-Hasan Barah Bankwi'' 

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Madani, Hussain Ahmed}}
[[Category:1879 births]]
[[Category:1957 deaths]]
[[Category:Academics from India]]
[[Category:Religious leaders]]
[[Category:Muslims from India]]
[[Category:Sufis]]
[[Category:Activists from India]]</text>
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      <text bytes="1161" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Hussain Ahmed Madani|Hussain Ahmed Madani]]''' (6 October 1879 – 5 December 1957) was  an [[India]]n [[Islamic scholar]], serving as the 5th principal of [[w:Darul Uloom Deoband|Darul Uloom Deoband]]. He was among the first recipients of the civilian honor of [[w:Padma Bhushan|Padma Bhushan]] in 1954.

==Quotes==
*&quot;Loving the religion and people of religion is a great thing. However, to focus on the faults of others whilst not assessing one’s own faults is incorrect.’’ 
** Hussain Ahmad Madani, ''Malfuzat Hadrat Madani, p.76 (Delhi: Dar al-Isha‘at, July 1998 ed.) by Mawlana Abu ‘l-Hasan Barah Bankwi''

*‘‘ The blessed age of youth is extremely valuable; adorn it with the pleasant hues of Allah’s remembrance.’’
** Hussain Ahmad Madani ''Malfuzat Hadrat Madani, p.83 (Delhi: Dar al-Isha‘at, July 1998 ed.) by Mawlana Abu ‘l-Hasan Barah Bankwi'' 

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Madani, Hussain Ahmed}}
[[Category:1879 births]]
[[Category:1957 deaths]]
[[Category:Academics from India]]
[[Category:Religious leaders]]
[[Category:Muslims from India]]
[[Category:Sufis]]
[[Category:Activists from India]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Animaniacs (season 1)</title>
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----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[Animaniacs (season 1)|1]] [[Animaniacs (season 2)|2]] [[Animaniacs (season 3)|3]] [[Animaniacs (season 4)|4]] [[Animaniacs (season 5)|5]] | [[Animaniacs|Main]]
----

'''''[[w:Animaniacs|Animaniacs]]''''' (1993–1998) is an American animated comedy musical television series created by Tom Ruegger. The series premiered on Fox Kids on September 13, 1993. It was moved to Kids' WB on September 9, 1995 and ended on November 14, 1998.
RTÉ in Ireland and CNBA1 in Japan.

==Episodes==
===De-Zanitized!/The Monkey Song/Nighty-Night Toon [1.01]===
:''[first lines of the original series]''
:'''Narrator''': Newsreel of the Stars! Dateline: Hollywood, 1930, the Warner Bros. Studio. Here at the studio's new animation department, the artists toil endlessly to come up with cartoon stars, ultimately creating three new characters-- the Warner Brothers and their sister, Dot.
:'''The Warners''': ''Helllooooo, Nurse!''
:'''Narrator''': Unfortunately, the Warner kids were totally out of control.
:'''The Warners''': ''[bouncing down the stairs]'' Boingy, boingy, boingy, boingy!
:'''Narrator''': The trio ran amok throughout the studio. Until their capture. The Warners' films, which made absolutely no sense, were locked away in the studio vault, never to be released! As for the Warners themselves, they were locked away in the studio water tower, also never to be released! Publicly, the studio has disavowed any knowledge of the Warners' existence, to this very day-- when the Warners escaped!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Cartoon opens up in Hollywood, present day (1993), outside The Psychiatry Building as &quot;[[w:Nobody Knows the Trouble I've Seen|Nobody Knows the Trouble I've Seen]]&quot; plays in the background. Scene changes to inside psychiatrist's office. Dr. Scratchansniff is on the Chaise lounge couch]''
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''':  I suppose it would be ''vise'' to start at ''ze'' very beginning, ''ja''?
:'''Yakko''': ''[offscreen, in a German accent]'' Proceed.
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''':  ''[sighs]'' I was one of the most successful psychoanalysts in all of Hollywood. 50 years ago, I started work at ''Varner'' Brothers. ''[narrating, as scene changes to Hollywood circa 1953]'' Ah, ''Varner'' Brothers, home to some of ''ze'' biggest stars in Hollywood.
:''[ [[w:Humphrey Bogart|Humphrey Bogart]] pulls up to Ralph T. Guard]''
:'''Ralph T. Guard''': Ah, good morning Mr. biggest star in Hollywood.
:'''Humphrey Bogart''': Morning, sweetheart.
:''[He drives into The Warner Bros. Studio. [[w:Porky Pig|Porky Pig]] pulls up to Ralph T. Guard]''
:'''Ralph T. Guard''': Uh-ah, morning, Porky.
:'''Porky Pig''': G-g-g-uh-g-g-g-uh-g-uh-g-g-uh-g-g-uh-m-m-mo-uh-m-uh-m-uh-m-uh-muh-muh- ''[Impatient driver honks at him offscreen]'' All right! All right!! ''[to Ralph T. Guard]'' Hello.
:''[He drives into The Warner Bros. Studio]''
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''':  ''[narrating]'' ''Und'' when the stars had a problem, they came to me. ''[to [[w:Ronald Reagan|Ronald Reagan]] ]'' So, tell me more about these dreams you've been having, Mr. Reagan.
:'''Ronald Reagan''': Well, in my dreams, I'm President of the United States.
:''[Dr. Scratchansniff writes &quot;Delusions of grandeur, Incurable&quot;]''
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''':  ''[narrating, as scene changes to a wall of photos of Dr. Scratchansniff with various famous Hollywood celebrities, from black and white to color]''  For years, the biggest actors told me their problems, their secrets, their pain! Ooh, it was so much fun! ''Und'' then, just recently, I had just completed a delightfully intense session with [[w:Clint Eastwood|Clint Eastwood]]. Then...it happened.
:'''Crowd''': ''[screams offscreen]'' What is that? What's going on up there?
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''':  ''[narrating]'' It was them...The ''Varner'' Brothers! After years of being locked away in the water tower... they managed to escape!
:''[The Warner Siblings jump down from the water tower. The crowd panics and scatters as The Warner Siblings run to The Psychiatry Building, running up the front in a circle to Dr. Scratchansniff's window]''
:'''Dot''': Did you miss us?
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''':  I hardly even know you.
:'''Yakko''': ''[in unison with Wakko]'' We're the Warner Brothers!
:'''Dot''': And the Warner sister! ''[in unison with Yakko and Wakko as they kiss Dr. Scratchansniff]'' Mmmm!
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''':  Eh! Pleh! Pleh! Pleh! Pleh! Bleh! ''[He turns to walk away from the window, only to get startled by The Warner Siblings in his office]'' AAH! ''Vhat'' do you ''vant''?
:'''Yakko''': We asked you first.
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''':  Well, I ''vant''--No, you didn't.
:'''Dot''': Well, we meant to.
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': Do you know who I am?
:'''Yakko''': Dr. Otto Scratchansniff, world famous psychoanalyst to the stars?
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': Correct.
:'''Yakko''': I won! I won! What did I win?
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': Nothing.
:'''Yakko''': Say, what kind of game show ''is'' this?
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': This isn't a game show!
:'''Yakko''': Well I'll say it isn't. Nobody wins anything. You'll be lucky to be on the air for one week.
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': NURSE! NURSE!
:''[Hello Nurse comes in]''
:'''Hello Nurse''': Yes, Dr. Scratchansniff?
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': ''[offscreen as Yakko and Wakko's hearts bulge out, pumping, while their eyes turn into black hearts]'' GET THESE KIDS OUT OF HERE!
:'''Yakko''': ''[in unison with Wakko as they turn into wolves]'' Helloooo Nurse!
:''[A red heart space forms around Hello Nurse's head. Yakko thinks of horse back riding with Hello Nurse]''
:'''Yakko''': Hah...
:''[Wakko thinks of driving a convertible with Hello Nurse]''
:'''Wakko''': Huuh...
:''[Dot thinks of boating with Dr. Scratchansniff]''
:'''Dot''': Diiiisgusting!
:'''Hello Nurse''': Why don't you cute little kids follow me?
:''[Hello Nurse leads The Warner Siblings out of Dr. Scratchansniff's office. Yakko and Wakko follow her, floating in the air, in love with her. Dot follows them, walking, awkward]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': ''[narrating]'' After the ''Varner'' Brothers escaped, I was called to see the chairman of the board of the ''Varner'' Brothers studio.
:''[Dr. Scratchansniff enters the office. He sits at one end of the long table while Thaddeus Plotz sits at the other end. Thaddeus Plotz pushes a button, closing the curtains]''
:'''Thaddeus Plotz''': THE WARNER BROTHERS ARE WREAKING HAVOC THROUGHOUT THE STUDIO, SCRATCHANSNIFF! AND I WON'T HAVE IT! ''[walking on the table up to a nervous Dr. Scratchansniff]'' In order for a studio to run efficiently, there must be order, calmness, control. The Warner Brothers have taken the calmness and replaced it with chaos. They're too zany, Scratchansniff! I haven't been this upset since we made ''[[w:Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead|Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead]]''. And I have chosen you to get the Warner Brothers under control.
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': ''Vhy'' me?
:'''Thaddeus Plotz''': Because you're a psychiatrist, dummy.
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': Oh... 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': ''Und zo'', I scheduled an appointment with The ''Varner'' Brothers. I'll never forget our first session...
:''[Hello Nurse leads The Warner Siblings to Dr. Scratchansniff's office while Wakko drums to her footsteps]''
:'''Hello Nurse''': The Warner Brothers are here for their 3:00 appointment. You be good little boys.
:'''Yakko''': ''[in unison with Wakko ]'' Mmm.
:'''Dot''': Boys.
:'''Yakko''': How you doing, Scratchy?
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': I take umbrage at that.
:'''Yakko''': Oh, sure. Take all the umbrage. Don't leave any for us.
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': No, I mean I take offence.
:'''Yakko''': And you want our fence too? ''[pulling a wooden plank fence out of nowhere]'' All right, take it, but that's all. We're tapped out. ''[He gives Dr. Scratchansniff the wooden plank fence. Dr. Dr. Scratchansniff throws the wooden plank fence away]''
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': I think it's time we got down to business, ''ja''?
:'''Yakko''': ''[rapping]'' Now-our first quarter figures are really low as this-a business-a graph will hopefully show.
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': What are you doing?
:'''Yakko''': We're getting down... to business.
:''[Dr. Scratchansniff takes the stick]''
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': You always make ''ze'' jokes. ''Zis'' is not good. No more jokes, ''ja''? ''[The Warner Siblings nod]'' ''Ja''. Good, now, plant yourselves on ''ze'' couch there. ''[The Warner Siblings jump onto the couch and literally sprout up into flowers]'' I said, no more jokes!
:'''Yakko''': This isn't a joke, it's a visual gag.
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': Well, no more jokes, gags, or monkey stuff.
:'''Yakko''': Define monkey stuff.
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': Yeah, THE MONKEY STUFF! THE MONKEY STUFF!! You know, you walks around like a silly monkey. ''[acting like a monkey]'' Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! ''Und'' you be all goofy like a monkey. ''Zat'' is the monkey stuff.
:'''Wakko''': Maybe you should see a p-sy-chiatrist.
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': I am a p-sych-... uh. I mean, a psychiatrist. EUH! ''[While he paces back and forth, The Warner Siblings follow him, copying him, walking like Ancient Egyptians, and as a British tourist group]'' Ah... I know ''vhat'' you kids ''vant'', ''ja''! You ''vant'' to talk to Mr. Puppethead! ''[pulls out a hand puppet resembling him]'' ''Hello kids, I'm Mr. Puppethead! Tell me ''vhy'' you always make the jokes.'' ''[The Warners look at the puppet awkwardly]'' ''Vhy'' aren't you talking with Mr. Puppethead? No, no, it ''iz'' very easy. Watch me, watch me. ''[clears throat]'' Hello, Mr. Puppethead, how are you? ''I am fine, Dr. Scratchansniff. How are you?'' I am fine, Mr. Puppethead. Did you have a yummy breakfast? ''Oh yes, yes! Very yummy, thank you. How was '''your''' breakfast?'' My breakfast was yummy as ''vell''. ''[to the Warner siblings]'' Now you see? Isn't that easy?
:'''Yakko''': Uhmm... are you ''sure'' you don't want to see a p-sychiatrist?
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': I ''am'' a p-sychi-- I mean psychiatrist! ''[tearing at his hair with the puppet]'' I AM! I AM! I AM! I AM!
:'''Yakko''': Mr. Puppethead's hungry.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': ''[narrating, as he is reading &quot;Understanding Children&quot;as &quot;Nobody Knows the Trouble I've Seen&quot; plays in the background again]'' After much research, I decided to meet with each ''Varner'' Brother individually, starting with ''ze'' ''Varner'' Brothers' sister, Dot.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': Dot... may I call you &quot;Dot&quot;?
:'''Dot''': Yeah. But call me &quot;Dottie&quot; and ya die.
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': &quot;Dot&quot; is it. I'm going to show you some pictures, ''und'' I ''vant'' you to tell me what they look like. ''[shows Dot an inkblot]'' ''Vhat'' do you say to this?
:'''Dot''': I'd say you're not a very good artist.
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': I didn't draw that.
:'''Dot''': Well, whoever did needs to go back to school.
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': No, it's an inkblot.
:'''Dot''': I'll say.
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': No, no, no. It's not supposed to look like anything!
:'''Dot''': Then you did a very good job.
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': I DIDN'T DRAW IT! Doesn't it looks like a little kitty cat or a butterfly or something?
:'''Dot''': No. ''[takes off the inkblot and changes it into a butterfly]'' ''That's'' a butterfly.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': Now, then, Wakko, let's you and I talk, hmm?
:'''Wakko''': Okay.
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': Good. ''Vhat's'' on your mind?
:'''Wakko''': My hat.
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': No, no, no. Your hat is on your head. ''Vhat'' is on your ''mind''?
:'''Wakko''': My... skin?
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': No, that's on your head. ''Vhat's'' on your ''mind''?
:'''Wakko''': Oh, I got it! My hair!
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': Your hair is on your head! ''[tears off some of his hair]'' ''ZIS'' IS HAIR! ''ZIS'' IS HAIR! IT IS NOT ON MY MIND! IT IS ON MY HEAD!
:'''Wakko''': No, it's in your hand.
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': ''[shakes in anger before exhaling]'' Let's try something different, okay?
:'''Wakko''': Okay.
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': ''Why'' don't you tell me ''vhat'' you're feeling?
:'''Wakko''': My shirt.
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': No, that's ''vhat'' you're ''touching''.''Vhat'' are you ''feeling''?
:'''Wakko''': My nose?
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': THAT'S ''VHAT'' YOU'RE ''TOUCHING''! ''VHAT'' ARE YOU ''FEELING''?! ''[calms down]'' Just tell me how you feel.
:'''Wakko''': I feel fine.
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': Good! Now, we're getting somewhere. Would you care to expand on that?
:'''Wakko''': Okay. ''[Wakko breaths in and his whole body expands like a balloon]''
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': ''Vhat?'' No, no! Not that type of expanding! STOP IT!
:''[Wakko pricks himself with a sewing pin and flies around the room like a deflating balloon before falling into Scratchansniff's lap]''
:'''Wakko''': 'Scuse me. ''[kisses Scratchansniff full on the mouth and runs away]''
:''[Dr. Scratchansniff growls and tears out more of his hair]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': Now, then, Yakko, let us do a little word association, hmm? I'll say a word, ''und'' you say any word that you think of. Any word that comes to mind.
:'''Yakko''': Brain.
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': No, no. We haven't started.
:'''Yakko''': Begun.
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': No, wait.
:'''Yakko''': Yield.
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': No, stop!
:'''Yakko''': Cease.
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': SILENCE!
:'''Yakko''': Quiet.
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': ENOUGH!!
:'''Yakko''': Plenty.
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': Would - You - Please - Listen?
:'''Yakko''': Hear.
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': NO, YOU STUPID KID! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!
:'''Yakko''': Comprehend.
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': ''[screams in frustration and carries Yakko to the door]'' Get out, get out, get OUT!
:'''Yakko''': Leave, leave, leave.
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': ''[kicks him out and slams the door, huffing and puffing]'' '''THOSE KIDS IS DRIVING ME ''CRAZY!!!'''
:'''Yakko''': ''[pops his head through the door]'' Insane, unhinged, demented.
:''[Dr. Scratchansniff angrily shakes his fist at Yakko, tears out his remaining hair, and collapses on the floor, sobbing]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Back to Hollywood, present day, in psychiatrist's office]''
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''':  ''Und'' ''zis'' is how it's been. ''Zey's'' always driving me kooky in the ''kopf'', ''und'' they're still not de-zanitized. Am I crazy, doctor? ''[He turns to see The Warner Siblings]'' Huuuh!
:''[The psychiatrists are revealed to be The Warner Siblings]''
:'''Yakko''': ''[in a German accent]'' You are suffering from acute Warneritis.
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''':  AAAAAAAAH! ''[He literally blasts off into Outer Space like a rocket ship, leaving a hole shaped like himself in the ceiling, and blasting all the way to Mars. He crashes upon landing on Mars]''
:'''Yakko''': ''[in a normal voice]'' Was it something I said?

===Yakko's World/Cookies for Einstein/Win Big [1.02]===
:'''Einstein''': I'm trying to unravel the mysteries of the universe!
:'''Yakko''': Shouldn't you be focusing on skin disorders?
:'''Einstein''': I am not a dermatologist!

===H.M.S. Yakko/Slappy Goes Walnuts/Yakko's Universe [1.03]===
:'''Captain Mel''': Who be ye?
:'''Yakko''': We be we. We're the Warner brothers.
:'''Dot''': And the Warner sister.
:'''Captain Mel''': Ye be trespassing on my private pirate property!
:'''Wakko''': Bet ya can't say that three times fast.
:'''Captain Mel''': Pirate prinipoly popoly... pi... per
:'''Wakko''': You lose. ''[smashes Mel flat with a sledgehammer]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Slappy''': I'm gonna make you some brain food. That's right, I'm gonna make you my famous walnut fig dough surprise.
:'''Skippy''': What's the surprise?
:'''Slappy''': I'm outta walnuts.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Slappy''': Look, you've seen all my old cartoons, right?
:'''Skippy''': About a trillion times!
:'''Slappy''': I've wrestled with Walter Wolf, Sid the Squid, and Beanie the Brain-Dead Bison. This Doug guy here is nothin'.
:'''Skippy''': Yeah, but those were cartoons and this is real life.
:'''Slappy''': ''[to the audience]'' Don't tell him, he might crack.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Slappy''': Look, Skippy. I've seen and done every trick in the book- ''[Skippy sees a large dog looming behind Slappy]'' Hold it there! You're doing the old &quot;Frozen Take&quot; bit, which means Doug the Dog... ''[pulls a club out of her purse and clonks Doug without looking]'' ...was right behind me. Heh-heh-heh!

===Hooked on a Ceiling/Goodfeathers: The Beginning [1.04]===
:''[The cartoon opens up on a map of Renaissance Italy]''
:'''Narrator''': ''[narrating, as the camera trucks in on the map of Renaissance Italy]'' The [[w:Italian Renaissance|Italian Renaissance]], ''[as the camera pans right past The [[w:Mona Lisa|Mona Lisa]], [[w:The Last Supper|The Last Supper]], and [[w:The Birth of Venus|The Birth of Venus]] ]'' a glorious time of unprecedented achievement in the arts. ''[as the camera pans right to a man hole]'' And perhaps the era's greatest figure was [[w:Michelangelo Buonarroti|Michelangelo Buonarroti]]. ''[The [[w:Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]] come out of the man hole. The Narrator (a caricature of [[w:John Houseman|John Houseman]]) appears in a purple circle]'' I'm afraid popular culture has successfully eradicated the actual identities of the true poets of art. My opinion? ''[binding The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles with a cane]'' This stinks.
:'''[[w:Michelangelo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Michelangelo]]''': Hey, watch it, dude!
:''[The Narrator pulls The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles into the purple circle with the cane]''
:'''Narrator''': ''[to The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]'' I shall deal with you later. ''[to the viewers]'' Now, for a brief reality check. ''[starting a slideshow]'' Michelangelo was a brilliant artist, not a turtle. His most famous works include: the marble masterpiece [[w:Statue of David|statue of David]], and of course, the [[w:Ceiling of the Sistine Chapel|Ceiling of the Sistine Chapel]]. Yes, this too was created by the tortured genius, Michelangelo, but even this great artist needed help to carry out his vision.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Rome, circa 1512 A.D. Michelangelo (a caricature of [[w:Kirk Douglas|Kirk Douglas]]) angrily kicks two painters out of The Sistine Chapel]''
:'''Michelangelo''': Out! Out, you incompetent FOOLS! You call yourselves artists? ''[He puts a &quot;Painters wanted&quot; sign on the door]'' You just can't get good help these days. ''[He goes back inside. The camera trucks in on the &quot;Painters wanted&quot; sign. High-angle shot of Michelangelo walking over to three peasants]'' And you! How can I work with all you peasants kneeling and mumbling!
:'''Peasant''': But, Michelangelo, this is a church.
:'''Michelangelo''': Oh, that explains that infernal bell ringing.
:''[The bell rings periodically]''
:'''[[w:Quasimodo|Quasimodo]]''': Sanctuary! Sanctuary
:'''Michelangelo''': QUIET! ''[He slams the door. Quasimodo shrugs. Michelangelo goes up the ladder]'' I must be finished with my great masterpiece tonight, before His Eminence arrives. But I fired all my assistants. I'm alone! ALL ALONE! ''[He sobs intensely]'' Oh, heavenly muse, send me some help!
:''[Yakko kicks the door open, destroying the scaffold Michelangelo is on, causing him to fall into a can of red paint]'' 
:'''Yakko''': It's Yakko and Wakko, and out sister, Dot!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yakko''': Friends, we'll paint any ceiling for just 29.95. Right! How do we do it? No overhead. In fact, when we get through, you'll have nothing overhead! And if you hire us, you'll have nothing in your head! We paint ceilings, ceilings and ONLY ceilings! We don't paint floors cuz they're beneath us.
:'''Michelangelo''': ''[angrily standing, boiling, covered in red paint]'' Who are you? What are you doing here?
:'''Yakko''': We heard you had a ceiling that needs painting.
:'''Dot''': Nice bungalo. This your place?
:'''Michelangelo''': You fools, I'm the great Michelangelo. And this is the Sistine chapel.
:'''Yakko''': Oh, yeah? If you're so great, what did you do with the other fifteen chapels, huh? Gotcha there.
:'''Michelangelo''': Out. Out! HOW DARE YOU! ''[He prepares to throw The Warner Siblings out, but he gets thrown out himself, confused]'' Huh?
:'''Yakko''': Well, that takes care of the competition.
:'''Dot''': Gentlemen, start your rollers. ''[Yakko and Wakko get white paint]''
:'''Yakko''': You know, a little touch-up will do wonders for this place.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Michelangelo''': Let me in! Let me in!
:'''Yakko''': ''(dressed up as [[w:List of Oz characters (created by Baum)#Guardian of the Gates|The Guardian of the Gates]])'' [[w:The Wizard of Oz (1939 film)|Nobody gets in to see the Wizard. Not nobody. Not nohow.]]
:'''Michelangelo''': But I'm Michaelangelo.
:'''Yakko''': ''[gasps]'' The Witch's Michaelangelo? Well. Now, that's a ceiling of a different color.
:'''Michelangelo''': ''[gasps]'' Aaaargh! What have you done to my beautiful ceiling! ''[shows white ceiling]''
:'''Yakko''': Ya like it? I gotta tell ya, we had a heck of a time covering up those naked people.
:'''Michelangelo''': You FOOLS! You've ruined it! It's supposed to have pictures,
:'''Wakko''': Pictures? He wants pictures!
:'''Yakko''': Hey, don't worry Mike, our mistake. ''[whispering]'' This hasn't happened to us since that [[w:Venus de Milo|Venus de Milo]] arms fiasco.
:'''Dot''': Say, why don't you go paint that [[w:Mona Lisa|Moaning Lisa]], Leonardo?
:'''Michelangelo''': That's [[w:Leonardo Da Vinci|Da Vinci]].
:'''Dot''': That's delightful.
:'''Yakko''': That's [[w:It's De-Lovely|de-lovely]], but, we got a ceiling to paint.
:'''Michelangelo''': Wha- but-
:'''Dot''': ''[giving Michelangelo wallpapers and two books]'' Here. Just pick out a wallpaper pattern and relax. We'll take care of everything.
:'''Wakko''': ''[wearing toilet plungers on his feet]'' Yeah, when it comes to ceilings, we're the tops!
:'''Yakko''': ''[giving Michelangelo wallpapers and a refrigerator]'' Oh, and while you're at it, pick out the linoleum, why don't-cha?
:'''Dot''': ''[giving Michelangelo wallpapers and a fish bowl with a goldfish in it]'' And don't forget your upholstery and your bathroom fixtures.
:'''Michelangelo''': Oh, thank you.
:'''Yakko''': Now, don't you worry your pretty, little head. By the way, nice toga.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Michelangelo''': ''[looking at wallpaper designs]'' Let me see now, this lovely floral pattern might be just- ''[knocking the stack of wallpapers, books, and objects down, realizing that he's been tricked]'' HEY, wait a minute! I'll teach those idiots to fool with the great Michelangelo! ''[He hits the cylinder, making the [[w:Statue of Moses|statue of Moses]]. He slams the door open]'' No. No. NO! ''[He sees a bullfighter, [[w:Dogs Playing Poker#A Waterloo|A Waterloo]] by [[w:C.M. Coolidge|C.M. Coolidge]], big-eyed children by [[w:Margaret Keane|Margaret Keane]], and [[w:Elvis Presley|Elvis Presley]]. He cries]'' I'm ruined! RUINED!
:'''Dot''': I knew it. He prefers the young Elvis.
:'''Michelangelo''': It is supposed to look like THIS! ''[He shows them The Sistine Chapel Ceiling paper]''
:'''Dot''': Oh! More naked people!
:'''Yakko''': I wouldn't go flashing that around if I were you, Mike. ''[whispering]'' This is a church. ''[He takes the paper, scrunches it up, and throws it away]''
:'''Michelangelo''': But His Eminence is coming tonight and I MUST be finished! Please, you gotta help me! ''[He cries]''
:'''Yakko''': Wait a minute, you expect us poor innocent children to climb up dangerous scaffolding and paint naked people all over a church? ''[in unison with Wakko and Dot]'' We'll do it! ''[speaking at a podium as Wakko and Dot play &quot;[[w:The Battle Hymn of the Republic|The Battle Hymn of the Republic]]&quot; on kazoos]'' But we're not doing it for the sake of art. And we're not doing it for the sake of money. No, we're doing it because, we like painting naked people.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Yakko sprays white paint on the ceiling. Wakko sharpens a pencil, and paints outline on tightrope extremely quickly. Dot writes numbers on the ceiling. Michelangelo paints the ceiling using a trampoline]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Low-angle shot of The Ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. The camera pans left to a blank space]''
:'''Michelangelo''': I still don't know what to paint in this blank space. And his eminence will be here any minute.
:'''Crowd''': It's His Eminence. ''[as Michelangelo and The Warner Siblings turn and a red carpet rolls into The Sistine Chapel]'' His Eminence. Look, it's His Eminence. His Eminence is coming. His Eminence.
:'''Yakko''': Don't worry, Mike. You go say howdy, we'll finish up.
:'''Michelangelo''': Your Eminence. ''[He kisses toes]'' I'm so glad you could come. ''[He kisses toes]'' I worked so hard to please you. I hope you'll like my ceiling. HUH! I'm ruined! ''[He sees Elliot from ''[[w:E.T.|E.T.]]'' in a juxtaposition of [[w:The Creation of Adam|The Creation of Adam]]. He cries. Camera pans up to reveal [[w:Steven Spielberg|Steven Spielberg]] ]''
:'''Steven Spielberg''': I like it!
:'''Yakko''': ''[giving Michelangelo a bowl of Quaker Oats Life cereal and pouring milk into it]'' Hey, Mikey, he likes it! ''[jumping into Steven Spielberg's arms]'' Painting is like show business. You have to know your audience.

===Taming of the Screwy [1.05]===
:''[The cartoon opens up on an aerial shot of The Warner Brothers Studio as upbeat music plays throughout the background. Cut to Warner Brothers Studios building. Inside, a woman passes by a portrait of Thaddeus Plotz. Camera pans right to his office]''
:'''Unknown man''': ''[to two other unknown men]'' He's a chicken, I tell ya. A giant chicken!
:''[Fade to inside of office]''
:'''Thaddeus Plotz''': Dr. Scratchansniff, do you know what keeps this studio running?
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': Err, your brilliant leadership, T.P.?
:'''Thaddeus Plotz''': I mean besides that. What keeps this place going?
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': Mmmm... [[w:Mel Gibson|Mel Gibson]] movies?
:'''Thaddeus Plotz''': YES! That's it, sniff. And how do we pay for those movies? With money! money. And we need more. With that in mind, I've invited some powerful foreign investors to come here tomorrow. They'll prepare to give us 1 billion of it. Billion of it. 1 billion. 1 billion dollars! Do you know what that means?
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': ''Ja'', that's a one with lots ''und'' lots of zeros after it.
:'''Thaddeus Plotz''': No! It means tomorrow is the most important day in the studio's history! I'm throwing a gala banquet on sound stage 10. Now, every star in Hollywood will be there. Investors will get the royal treatment, and we'll get the check, IF, it goes smoothly. There's just one catch. Before they invest, they wanna meet every one who works here. Including you.
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': Ooh, that's nice. I like to party.
:'''Thaddeus Plotz''': And including, The Warner Brothers.
:''[The Warner Siblings are running around outside]''
:'''Yakko''': ''[in unison with Wakko]'' Hi, T.P.!
:'''Dot''': And the Warner Sister.
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': No, T.P.! Don't let the investors meet The Warners! They're out of control. They're koo-koo! They're-
:'''Thaddeus Plotz''': Your responsibility. You're the studio psychiatrist. You have 24 hours, Scratchensniff, to teach them some manners. I can't have those-those- What are they?
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': I don't know.
:'''Thaddeus Plotz''': Well, I can't have them ruining this banquet! Understand?
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': Alright, I'll try.
:'''Thaddeus Plotz''': Trying is not good enough, Scratchensniff. ''[shouting loudly, blowing Dr. Scratchensniff away]'' DO IT!
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''':''[bouncing out of the building]'' Uh! Eh! Pleugh! ''[He falls down. He rests his elbow on the concrete, irate]'' Rggrgh! 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After &quot;The Studio Shrink Song&quot;]''
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': Stop ''zat''! Stop! Do you know why you're here? 
:'''Yakko''': No one really knows why, Doc, although [[w:Arthur Schopenhauer|Schopenhauer]] put forth [[w:The World as Will and Representation#Ontology (Book II)|an interesting theory]]-- 
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': ''Zat's'' not what I meant! 
:'''Dot''': Then why'd you say it? 
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': You're misinterpreting! 
:'''Yakko''': ''[standing next to Miss Interpreting]'' No, this is Miss Interpreting. 
:'''Wakko''': ''[standing next to Miss Understanding]'' This is Miss Understanding. 
:'''Dot''': ''[laying on a pillow]'' And I'm Miss-terious.
:'''Wakko''': ''[the Warners are playing with a golden bust of [[w:Sigmund Freud|Sigmund Freud]]]'' Wow, a giant Pez dispenser! Want one?
:'''Yakko''': ''[taking a Pez]'' Please.
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': Stop playing with my bust!
:''[There is a pause]''
:'''Yakko''': ''[blows the audience a kiss]'' Mwah! Goodnight, everybody!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': Be quiet, please! I have something to tell you!
:'''Yakko''': Ooh, story time
:'''Wakko''': Get right to the scary part.
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': What scary part?
:'''Dot''': The part with my pet. ''[She opens the box. Dot's pet appears as giant crab with eyeball replacing its head]''
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': ''[startled]'' Eagh! Ya, yeah your pet, okay. Good pet. Heh heh heh. Now, listen. The studio is getting a big fancy party for some new investors, with movie stars ''und'' everything, ''und'', uh, you have been invited.
:'''Warner Siblings''': Movie stars?
:'''Yakko''': [[w:Michelle Pfeiffer|Michelle Pfeiffer]].
:'''Dot''': Mel Gibson.
:'''Wakko''': [[w:Don Knotts|Don Knotts]]!
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': Please! There's also some bad news.
:'''Dot''': [[w:Bea Arthur|Bea Arthur]] is putting out a swimsuit calendar?
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': She is? Of course, not. No. The bad news is you can only go if I train you to be polite, clean, well-dressed children on your best behavior.
:''[Dot is wearing a party hat and holding a pony by the reins in front of balloons]''
:'''Dot''': I thought you said it was a party!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': ''Und'' now my little, uh, friends, we shall begin training you for the party. Oh, Miss Nurse! Will you please come in here?
:''[Hello Nurse opens the door, walking in provocatively]''
:'''Yakko''': ''[in unison with Wakko, panting]''  Hello, Nurse!
:'''Dot''': Boys, go fig.
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': Miss Nurse here, is going to assist me in your lessons on etiquette. We'll start with ''ze'' receiving line.
:''[The Warner Siblings all form a line behind Hello Nurse and do a conga dance]''
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': No, no, ''zat's'' a conga line!
:'''Yakko''': Ooh, nice to know you're up on your dance steps, doc.
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': Grragh! Hurgh! Hrrr! RRRRR!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': Now, in a receiving line, if I introduced her to you, what would be ''ze'' proper greeting?
:'''Yakko''': ''[in unison with Wakko]'' Hello, Nurse!
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': No, no, a proper greeting like ''zis.'' ''[He bows]''  &quot;How do you do?&quot; Now, you try.
:'''Yakko''': How do you do... that thing with your mouth? ''[He lands in Hello Nurse's arms, then kisses her]'' Take me away, but be gentle. I'm fragile. ''[He fractures into many tiny pieces]''
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': ''[As Dot puts Yakko back together]'' No, no, it is impolite to be that personal. ''[to Wakko]'' Wakko?
:'''Wakko''': I disagree.
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': No, I want you to greet ''ze'' lady.
:''[Wakko literally zooms around to Hello Nurse at lightning speed, with a lightning bolt trailing behind him, kissing her]''
:'''Wakko''': Hello, Nurse!
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': No, no, no, how do you do.
:'''Wakko''': Oh, fine, thanks. ''[He shakes Dr. Scratchensniff's hand]''
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': Rgh! ''[to Dot]'' Dot, would you care to give it a try? But, I'd like you to make a little ''curtzy''.
:'''Dot''': Thanks, but I did before I left home.
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': No, a ''curtzy'', make a little ''curtzy''!
:'''Yakko''': ''[in unison with Wakko, laughing]'' Make a little ''curtzy'', a ''curtzy''! ''[Yakko does a curtzy]'' A little ''curtzy''! ''[Wakko does a curtzy. They laugh more]''
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': Stop it! Stop ''zat''! I am not here to amuse you!
:'''Yakko''': Then, please, stop being so funny! 
:[Wakko laughs]
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': ''[facepalms]'' Now, Dot, please give it a try.
:'''Dot''': How do you do? ''[She does a curtzy, then midway, collapses onto the floor]'' Tee-hee, curtsy laugh.
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': Ooh! ''[double facepalms on the couch]'' Nngnhuh! Let's move on.
:'''Yakko''': ''[in unison with Wakko]'' And lift!
:'''Dot''': ''[pushing a fridge with a lift]'' Comin' through! 
:'''Yakko''': Uh, where do you want the couch, Mac?
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': Euugh!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': Now, we will work on our diction. How do we avoid bad elocution?
:'''Yakko''': Stay inside during a thunder storm.
:''[Wakko does a rim shot]''
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': No, no, elocution, diction, pronunciation! We will work on our vowel sounds! Let's pronounce ''zis''! A-e-i-o-u.
:'''Warner Siblings''': ''[trying to pronounce the as one word]'' &quot;Aeiou&quot;... 
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': No, no. I want ''ze'' letters, the letters!
:'''Warner Siblings''': ''[dressed as mail men, throwing actual letters out of mail bags]'' Scratchansniff, Scratchansniff, Scratchansniff.
:'''Yakko''': Hey! Doctor Otto Scratchansniff! You may have won 10 million dollars!
:'''Dot''': Are you married? ''[She kisses Dr. Scratchansniff 6 times. The lip imprints stay]''
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': No, no, NO!
:'''Dot''': With a temper like that, it's no wonder.
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': Stop! ''Haltenzie''! For-ge- No! In your seats! ''[The lip imprints disappear]'' If you want to go to the party, you must stop with the gags!
:''[The Warner Siblings all wear physical restraints. Wakko has a lock, and Yakko and Dot have blindfolds over their mouths]''
:'''Yakko''': ''[in unison with Dot, taking the blindfolds off]''  Oh, alright.
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': Heh. Let's plunge ahead.
:'''Warner Siblings''': Okay! 
:''[The Warner Siblings all jump off a high diving board into a small tub of water]''
:'''Wakko''': Cannonball!
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': Yergh!
:''[The Warner Siblings splash him and the screen]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Dr. Scratchansniff is teaching The Warner Siblings table manners]''
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': When it's time to eat, table manners are the upmost importance. I ''vant'' you to sit up. 
:'''The Warner Siblings''': ''[acting like dogs]'' Woof! 
:'''Yakko''': We can also play dead.
:''[The Warner Siblings roll over off the table]''
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': Get up! Get up! 
:'''Dot''': What, without a treat? 
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': Yes! 
:'''Yakko''': Alright, but [[w:Shamu|Shamu]] wouldn't work under these conditions. 
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': But Shamu doesn't ''vant'' to go to the party!! 
:'''Dot''': Was he invited? 
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': ARGH!
:''[Hello Nurse opens the door, walking in provocatively in a French maid outfit with food. She brings the food down onto the table]''
:'''Yakko''': ''[in unison with Wakko, panting]'' Hello, French nurse!
:'''Dot''': ''[inhales, pointing her finger up]'' Never mind. ''[She crosses her arms]''
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': Now, we will eat a practice meal, ''ja'', ''und'' I will correct you as we go along. Begin. ''[The Warner Siblings drink the soups, throw the plates away, then jump around stuffing themselves and eating more food]'' Don't eat with your hands! You must use the proper tools! ''[as Yakko operates a dig machine as to dump food with a bigger total volume than Wakko into Wakko's mouth]'' Stop ''zat'', sit down! Do you want to go to the party, or not?
:'''Warner Siblings''': Yes.
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': Gaargh! Fine. Now ''zen'', you have a salad fork, a dinner fork, a butter knife, a water glass, a soup spoon, a dinner knife, a fish knife, an oyster fork, desert spoon, a napkin, a finger bowl, a dinner spoon, a salad knife, a bread plate. Got it?
:'''Wakko''': Got it? I can beat it, I have a full house.
:'''Yakko''': ''[in unison with Dot, slamming their cards onto the table]'' Aw! 
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': You're not paying attention. You didn't hear any of that. You're not listening to anything I say!
:'''Yakko''': Well, sure we are, Doc. Let's review, shall we?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[after &quot;The Etiquette Song&quot;]'' 
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': Ehuhuh. No. No! NO! I give up! It can't be done! ''Kaputski''! ''[hugging his bust of Sigmund Freud]'' You're not going to the party!
:'''Warner Siblings''': Not going to the party? Why?
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': Why? WHY? Because you won't be polite, speak correctly, or say, &quot;How do you do?&quot;
:'''Dot''': Oh, that.
:'''Yakko''': You mean like this?
:'''Warner Siblings''': ''[all dressed up in proper attire]'' How do you do? ''[Dot does a curtzy while Yakko and Wakko bow]''
:''[Dr. Scratchansniff rubs his eyes in surprise and confusion]''
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': You-you can do ''zat''?
:'''Dot''': Sure!
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': Then, why did you give me such a hard time?
:''[The Warner Siblings all jump onto Dr. Scratchansniff, hugging him]''
:'''Warner Siblings''': 'Cause we love ya. ''[They all kiss him]''
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': Heh. Well, then, let's party!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Thaddeus Plotz''': Please, tell our honored new investors this party is our way of saying welcome, and, heh heh heh, ''[in a Western accent]'' you're A-O.K., partner. Ha ha ha ha. 
:'''Miss Tanaka''': ''[to Mr. Kato and other Japanese investor, in a Japanese accent]'' Yoko so, soshite anat wa A-O.K., partner. (&quot;Welcome, And you're A-O.K., partner.&quot;)
:'''Thaddeus Plotz''': Heh heh heh. 
:'''Ralph''': Ahem. Dr. Scratchensniff is arriving with The Warner Brothers. 
:'''Thaddeus Plotz''': Please, let those kids behave. I want my money.
:'''Ralph''': Uh... ''[He points to Dr. Scratchensniff and The Warner Siblings]''
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''':  Mr. Chairman, may I present, The Warner Brothers! 
:'''Dot''': Addendum-- The Warner Sister. ''[in unison with Yakko and Wakko]'' How do you do? 
:''Miss Tanaka'': ''[in a Japanese accent]'' Gokigen ikaga desuka? (&quot;How are you?&quot;) 
:'''Yakko''': ''[to Mr. Kato and second Japanese investor, in a Japanese accent]'' Tokyo wa totemo omoshiroi tokuro desu ne. (&quot;Tokyo is an extremely interesting place, isn't it?&quot;)
:'''Mr. Kato''': ''[to Yakko, in a Japanese accent]'' Zehi irashite kudesai. (&quot;Please, go there.&quot;)
:'''Yakko''': ''[to Mr. Kato and second Japanese investor, in a Japanese accent]'' Mada iki basho ga areba ne. (&quot;If there's still a place to go, eh?&quot;)
:''[He and the Japanese investors laugh. Thaddeus Plotz laughs. The Japanese investors look at him. Thaddeus Plotz sighs weakly]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Warner Siblings walk into the party. They see [[w:Spike Lee|Spike Lee]], [[w:Annette Bening|Annette Bening]], and [[w:Warren Beatty|Warren Beatty]] sitting at a table]''
:'''Spike Lee''': ''[to a baby on Warren Beatty's back]'' How about a smile, please baby, please baby baby baby please?
:''[They see Bea Arthur sitting at a fancy party with Danny DeVito, who is dressed as [[w:Penguin (character)|The Penguin]], eating a large bucket of fish]''
:'''Bea Arthur''':  I'm putting out a swimsuit calendar.
:'''Danny DeVito''': ''[gags]'' Not while I'm eating!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Thaddeus Plotz''': Good work, Scratchansniff. I'm amazed! Heh, you did it! The Warners behaved. ''[He turns, serious]'' Now, get them out of here.
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': What? But they did their part of the bargain.
:'''Thaddeus Plotz''': I want them out. I don't have that check yet, and they're not going to mess it up. Get 'em out!
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': Well, kids, that's enough for one night, eh?
:'''Warner Siblings''': ''[confused]'' Huh?
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': Don't want you to get over-tired. It's getting late. So, it's off to bed with you. Now, now, come along. Let's go nighty-night.
:'''Yakko''': Hey, what are you doing?
:'''Dot''': Yeah!
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': Uh. I'm sorry, but the chairman of the board said you had to leave.
:'''Yakko''': But we behaved!
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': Yeah, I know, and I'm sorry. Now, go on now. Go-go on now.
:'''Dot''': No dinner with Mel Gibson?
:'''Yakko''': No dancing with Michelle Pfeiffer?
:'''Wakko''': No chit-chat with Don Knotts?
:'''Yakko''': ''[as he, Wakko, and Dot climb up the ladder]'' Well, I know when we're not wanted. I know when we should just go home. ''[climbing back down]'' Now is not one of those times.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Thaddeus Plotz''': Uh, some party, huh? 
:''Miss Tanaka'': ''[to Mr. Kato and other Japanese investor, in a Japanese accent]'' Yoi pati de sune? To itemasu. (&quot;I'm saying, 'Good Party, isn't it?'&quot;)
:''[Mr. Kato and other Japanese investor look at Thaddeus Plotz]''
:'''Thaddeus Plotz''': ''[nervously]'' Heh heh.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After The Warner Siblings have scared off the [[w:Xenomorph|Xenomorph]] ]''
:'''Mr. Kato''': ''[in a Japanese accent]'' Asoko ni Warner Brothers ga iru. (&quot;There is The Warner Brothers there&quot;)
:'''Thaddeus Plotz''': The Warners? Where's Scratchensniff?
:''[Dr. Scratchansniff is talking to Michael Keaton, who is dressed as Batman]''
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''':  I don't want to drive The Batmobile. I just want to sit in it.
:''[Thaddeus Plotz grabs him]''
:'''Thaddeus Plotz''': I told you to send those kids home! 
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''':  B-but I did! 
:'''Thaddeus Plotz''': Well, they're back! You'd better help me catch them! They'll ruin everything! 
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''':  Ohh!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Jack Palance|Jack Palance]]''': Hey, Slappy, did you ever see this? ''[He does a one-armed pushup like he did at the Oscars]''
:'''Slappy''': Save it for the [[w:Jack LaLanne|Jack LaLanne]] story, ''bubele''! ''[to [[w:Luke Perry|Luke Perry]] ]'' Y'know, you remind me of a very mature [[w:Johnny Quest|Jonny Quest]].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Michelle Pfieffer who is dressed as [[w:Catwoman|Catwoman]] is drinking milk from a saucer. She is licking her left arm]''
:'''Yakko''': ''[in unison with Wakko, popping up out of the saucer]'' [[w:Hello Kitty|Hello Kitty]]!
:'''Michelle Pfieffer''': Who are you?
:'''Yakko''': ''[in unison with Wakko, jumping out of the saucer]'' We're The Warner Brothers.
:'''Michelle Pfieffer''': Like the studio?
:'''Yakko''': Not much, but we don't have a choice.
:'''Wakko''': Did you know there's a [[w:Thing (The Addams Family)|Thing]] in your milk?
:''[The Thing hops out of the saucer. The Thing walks away]''
:'''Thaddeus Plotz''': ''[offscreen]'' There they are, Scratchansniff!
:''[Wakko runs off]''
:'''Yakko''': Save a spot for me on your dance card.
:''[Wakko runs off. Thaddeus Plotz and Dr. Scratchansniff chase after Yakko and Wakko]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Thaddeus Plotz has captured The Warner Siblings]''
:'''Thaddeus Plotz''': Ruin my studio, will you? You--you-- you whatever you ares!
:'''Miss Tanaka''': ''[in a Japanese accent]'' Mr. Kato would like to know who is responsible for all of this. 
:'''Thaddeus Plotz''': It was them! I had nothing to do with it. They're responsible! 
:'''Miss Tanaka''': ''[to Mr. Kato and second Japanese investor, in a Japanese accent]'' Warner Brothers no sekinin desu. (&quot;This is the responsibility of The Warner Brothers.&quot;) 
:'''Mr. Kato and other Japanese investor''': ''[to Yakko, in Japanese accents in unison]'' Great party! Great party! Great party! Great party! Ha ha ha ha! 
:'''Thaddeus Plotz''': Great party? Oh, oh, oh, yes. Uh, Great party!''[He laughs. The Japanese investors look at him. Thaddeus Plotz sighs weakly]''
:'''Mr. Kato''': ''[to Yakko, in a Japanese accent]'' We love The Warner Brothers! ''[giving The Warner Siblings the 1 billion dollar check]'' And here you go. 
:'''Miss Tanaka''': ''[in a Japanese accent]'' Mr. Kato presents the check for 1 billion dollars. 
:'''Mr. Kato''': ''[to Yakko, in a Japanese accent]'' You are A-O.K., partner!
:''[ [[w:Madonna|Madonna]] walks up to Mr. Kato and other Japanese investor]''
:'''Madonna''': C'mon, you guys. We're going to play Truth or Dare.
:''[She takes them to play Truth or Dare. Thaddeus Plotz's turns red, steaming up]''
:'''Yakko''': ''[to Dr. Scratchansniff]'' Well, Doc, there's a lesson to be learned in all of this.
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': Yeah? What's that?
:'''Yakko''': I have no idea, but apparently it's worth a billion dollars.
:'''Thaddeus Plotz''': That's my check! Give me that! ''[starts chasing after The Warner Siblings, speeding]'' Give me that! That's mine! Come back here with my money! That's my check! ''[Dr. Scratchansniff turns to the audience and gives the &quot;Crazy&quot; gesture]''

===Flipper Parody/Temporary Insanity/Operation: Lollipop/What Are We? [1.06]===
:'''Thaddeus Plotz''': ''[after hanging up on the Warners]'' Oh my. What have I done? Where's my aspirin? ''[opens his cabinet drawer]''
:''[Yakko, Wakko and Dot appear out of the drawer]''
:'''Yakko''': Reporting for work, sir!
:''[Yakko, Wakko and Dot kiss Mr. Plotz, and start cleaning and organizing his office]''
:'''Thaddeus Plotz''': Get back in your tower!
:'''Wakko''': I thought you needed us to be your secretaries.
:'''Thaddeus Plotz''': Never! ''[Wakko swallows Plotz's WB shield-shaped paperweight]'' And give me back my paperweight!
:'''Wakko''': Okay, but you'll have to wait a while.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Thaddeus Plotz''': Stop!
:'''Yakko''': Time out!
:'''Thaddeus Plotz''': When will this insanity end?
:'''Dot''': When one of us answers the phone, silly.
:'''Thaddeus Plotz''': I did not know that.
:'''Yakko''': Time in!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Thaddeus Plotz''': I want you to take a letter.
:'''Wakko''': Where do you want me to take it?
:'''Thaddeus Plotz''': No, no. I mean I want you to write a letter.
:'''Wakko''': Okay. ''[takes out a notepad and a pencil]'' Dear Santa, I have been ever so good this year. I would like a new mallet and a shiny brass anvil.
:'''Thaddeus Plotz''': No! No! No! No! Write a letter for me! For me!
:'''Wakko''': Well, I don't know what you want for Christmas.

===The Warner Lot Song/The Big Candy Store/Bumbie's Mom [1.08]===
:''[Cartoon opens up on The Goodfeathers. Camera pans left to Flaxseed's Totallity of Candy. &quot;Dance of The Sugar Plum Fairies&quot; from &quot;[[w:The Nutcracker Suite|The Nutcracker Suite]] by [[w:Pytor Tchaikovsky|Pytor Tchaikovsky]] plays in the background. Fade to inside. Ferman Flaxseed is sucking on a green sucker, looking at himself in the mirror. Sister Margaret-Mary-Anne-June-July walks up to the counter]''
:'''Sister Margaret-Mary-Anne-June-July''': ''[in an Irish accent]'' Eh, beggin' yer pardon, sir.
:'''Ferman Flaxseed''': ''[taking the green sucker out of his mouth]'' Yes? Yes? What? What? What?
:'''Sister Margaret-Mary-Anne-June-July''': ''[in an Irish accent]'' I'm Sister Margaret-Mary-Anne-June-July, and -- well, I was wonderin', Mr. Flaxseed -- our orphanage hasn't much money, and, well -- would you consider donating some of your fine candies to our sweet boys and girls for our [[w:Easter|Easter]] celebration?
:'''Ferman Flaxseed''': You mean -- for free?
:'''Sister Margaret-Mary-Anne-June-July''': ''[in an Irish accent]'' Yes, exactly!
:'''Ferman Flaxseed''': Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- ''[Camera trucks-in on his mouth. As he laughs, his tonsils, each with a purple toupee, laugh with him. Camera trucks-out of his mouth]'' AH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-ha!!! NO!
:''[He kicks Sister Margaret-Anne-June-July out]''
:'''Sister Margaret-Mary-Anne-June-July''': ''[in an Irish accent]'' Oof! ''[raspberries, then walks away]''
:'''Ferman Flaxseed''': ''[dusting his hands]'' Deadbeats! Where DO they come from?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Warner Siblings ride on a city bus, in Roman outfits. Yakko is whipping the bus. The green light turns red. The bus stops at the red light, neighing like a horse]''
:'''Yakko''': How's ''that'' for an entrance?
:'''Wakko''': ''[sniffs]''
:'''Dot''': ''[pointing to Flaxseed's Totallity of Candy]'' Look!
:'''Singers''': ''[offscreen, as light shines on Flaxseed's Totallity of Candy]'' Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!
:'''Yakko''': One of these days, I'm gonna find those singers!
:''[The Warner Siblings jump off the bus and go to Flaxseed's Totallity of Candy. Ferman Flaxseed is sucking on the green sucker, looking at himself in the mirror. Close-up of Ferman Flaxseed's reflection. He sees The Warner Siblings reflection in it. The Warner Siblings look in the window, pressed against the glass]''
:'''Ferman Flaxseed''': Hmmm? ''[He turns to see The Warner Siblings outside the window]'' Oh!! What horrifying little children! I shall be frightened for hours! ''[waving to The Warner Siblings to go away]'' Go away! Go away!! Shoo, shoo! You frighten me!
:'''Dot''': Look! He's waving at us! What a nice man! He wants us to come in!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After &quot;The Candy Man&quot; song]''
:'''Yakko''': ''[in unison with Wakko]'' We're the Warner Brothers!
:'''Dot''': And the Warner sister!
:'''Ferman Flaxseed''': Buy something or leave!
:'''Yakko''': ''[to the viewer]'' I like him! Don't you?
:'''Wakko''': This is a great store, Mr. Candyman!
:'''Ferman Flaxseed''': I'm not the Candyman!
:'''Dot''': Well, you sell candy, don't cha, kid?
:'''Ferman Flaxseed''': I'm ''not'' a kid!
:'''Yakko''': Relax, my good man!
:'''Ferman Flaxseed''': I am not your good man!!
:'''Yakko''': ''[sitting on the counter]'' Hmmmm...we're running out of options here.
:'''Ferman Flaxseed''': What - do you want?!
:'''Yakko''': ''[grabbing a jar of red jelly beans]'' Well, world peace would be nice... and a Chevrolet in every driveway ... an end to pestilence and famine ... and pestilence... ''[Ferman Flaxseed takes the jar of red jelly beans]'' Until then -- we're just browsing!
:''[The Warner Siblings start touching and eating the candy. Dot licks the lollipops, Yakko drinks out of the melted milk chocolate barrel, and Wakko licks a candy cane]''
:'''Ferman Flaxseed''': Stop! Stop -- stop ''touching'' everything! If you want to see something, ask!
:'''Dot''': All right! We'd like to see the jellybeans!
:''[Ferman Flaxseed shows them a jar of jelly beans]''
:'''Wakko''': Not those! Those! ''[He points upwards. Ferman Flaxseed looks up to see a giant jar of jelly beans on top of the giant shelf. The camera turns to truck-out fast to a high-angle shot of the really tall ladder. He turns to The Warner Siblings, nervous. The Warner Siblings smile. He climbs a very tall ladder, passing a goat on two giant candy canes]''
:'''Goat''': Baa!
:''[Ferman Flaxseed continues climbing, passing an astronaut]''
:'''Astronaut''': Come in, [[w:Houston, Texas|Houston]]!
:''[Ferman Flaxseed is near the top, where the giant jar of jelly beans is. His right eye gets big. He looks down, nervously. Close-up on Ferman Flaxseed's nervous face, shaking nervously, sweating]''
:'''Dot''': Don't look down! You might fall and hit your head and die and your brains would leak out all over!
:''[Ferman Flaxseed gulps. He grabs the giant jar of jelly beans]'' 
:'''Ferman Flaxseed''':  ''[as the ladder trembles, rocking back and forth]'' Goh! Uuh -- ooh! 
:'''Yakko''': Whoa! Dumber than advertised!
:''[Ferman Flaxseed climbs down the really tall ladder]''
:'''Ferman Flaxseed''': ''[panting]'' There! Now... how many do you want?
:'''Yakko''': Oh, we don't want any! We just wanted to SEE 'em!
:''[The Warner Siblings look at the giant jar of jellybeans]''
:'''Warner Siblings''': Thank you!
:'''Ferman Flaxseed''': ''[leaping over the counter]'' Right! So you're making fun of me!
:'''Yakko''': We aren't making fun of ya! THIS is making fun of ya.
:'''Warner Siblings''': ''[in stupid voices]'' We sell candy! We sell candy!
:'''Dot''': See the difference?
:''[Ferman Flaxseed snaps and jumps at them, but The Warner Siblings dodge him and run between the other aisles]''
:'''Wakko''': ''[grabbing taffy from The Mr. Taffy Machine]'' I love a taffy pull! ''[He pulls the taffy from The Mr. Taffy Machine through three aisles and a stack of cans in a zigzag path, only to run into Ferman Flaxseed]''
:'''Ferman Flaxseed''': Give that to me! ''[Wakko gives him the taffy]'' Eaowgh! ''[The taffy pulls him through the stack of cans and the three aisles in the zigzag path. He smashes into The Mr. Taffy Machine. He gets up, covered in taffy]''
:'''Warner Siblings''': ''[chugging past him as a train, puffing out smoke]'' Choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo- ''[offscreen]'' Whoooo-whoooo! ''[They make a hissing noise as they shuffle to him]''
:'''Dot''': ''[handing him the toupee]'' You dropped your hair!
:'''Ferman Flaxseed''': ''[angrilly getting out of the taffy machine]'' Blblblbl! ''[putting on toupee]'' Bleugh! Now, this really takes the cake!
:''[Each Warner Sibling has a cake]''
:'''Wakko''': Where do you want us to take 'em?
:'''Ferman Flaxseed''': ''[pushing the cakes]'' Ough!! Either you BUY something right now, or I shall delight in throwing you out of here!
:'''Yakko''': That's going to be a problem ... See, we don't have any money.
:'''Dot''': Can we have something for free?
:'''Ferman Flaxseed''': For FREE!?! 
:''[Ferman Flaxseed kicks the Warner Siblings out]''
:'''Warner Siblings''': Ooouuugh!
:'''Yakko''': Hey! He can't do that to us!
:''[They go back in and get kicked out again]''
:'''Warner Siblings''': Doouuugh!
:'''Yakko''': On second thought, uh -- maybe he can!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''Ferman Flaxseed is pouring a bag of marshmallows into a barrel. Yakko, disguised as a mail man, comes in with a telegram for him]''
:'''Yakko''': Telegram for Ferman Flaxseed! ''[He hands him the envelope]'' How about a tip?
:'''Ferman Flaxseed''': Don't eat lead!
:'''Wakko''': ''[as he and Dot appear out of envelope]'' Didja miss us?
:'''Dot''': Give us a kiss, kid! ''[She kisses him on the nose. They run as he gives chase]''
:'''Wakko''': Look! Malted milk balls! ''[He pours the malted milkballs out of the jar and into his mouth. He becomes a machine gun as Ferman Flaxseed advances towards them. He spits them out with Dot winding his tail, shooting at Ferman Flaxseed. Ferman Flaxseed deflects the malted milkballs, which go into Yakko's mouth, using the silver platter as a shield. Wakko runs out of malted milkballs]'' I'm out!
:''[Ferman Flaxseed angrilly grabs Wakko and Dot]''
:'''Ferman Flaxseed''': Naugh-ty, naugh-ty children! ''[holds up Wakko and Dot]''
:'''Sister Margaret-Mary-Anne-June-July''': ''[in an Irish accent, offscreen]'' Stop right there! ''[as her shadow overlooms Ferman Flaxseed]'' You put those children down, you beast!!
:''[Sister Margaret-Mary-Anne-June-July stands at the doorway with a ruler, very angrily]''
:'''Ferman Flaxseed''': But, you -- don't understand! They were--
:'''Wakko''': ''[in unison with Dot]'' Waaaaa--hhhhh!
:'''Sister Margaret-Mary-Anne-June-July''': ''[in an Irish accent]'' Come on, girls! That's the one I toldja about! Get him!!
:''[Sister Margaret-Mary-Anne-June-July and the nuns march in angrily, with yard sticks in their hands. Camera trucks-in on Ferman Flaxseed's terrified face]''
:'''Ferman Flaxseed''': Wait! You're nuns! You're not allowed to resort to physical violence!
:'''Sister Margaret-Mary-Anne-June-July''': ''[in an Irish accent]'' He's right! Let us pray. ''[She and the nuns pray mumblingly. Outside Flaxseed's Totallity of Candy, a [[w:Notre Dame University|Notre Lame]] bus pulls up. Cheerleaders and The Notre Lame Marching Band come out of the bus as The Notre Lame Football Team comes to beat up Ferman Flaxseed]'' Our prayers have been answered!
:''[The Notre Lame Football Team marches down an aisle of Cheerleaders and beat up Ferman Flaxseed]''
:'''Warner Siblings''': ''[cheerleading]'' Clobber Flaxseed, clobber Flaxseed! Sis-boom-bah! Fighting Irish, Fighting Irish! Rah! Rah! Rah!
:'''Dot''': Go, Flaxseed!! ''[Violence stops]'' Just kidding! ''[Violence continues. The Warner Siblings eat popcorn as they watch the violence. The Notre Lame Football Team stops beating up Ferman Flaxseed, and leaves. So do Sister Margaret-Mary-Anne-June-July and the nuns. Ferman Flaxseed is beaten up and weak from the fight]''
:'''Yakko''': You should go hit the shower!
:''[They throw him into the quick drying chocolate. He gets covered in chocolate]''
:'''Wakko''': Make sure to wash behind your ears!
:''[They dunk him in quick drying chocolate. He becomes a chocolate bunny]''
:'''Dot''': He's so cute!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sister Margaret-Mary-Anne-June-July''': ''[in an Irish accent]'' I know all of us here at the orphanage want to thank the Warner Brothers --
:'''Dot''': And the Warner sister!
:'''Sister Margaret-Mary-Anne-June-July''': ''[in an Irish accent]'' ...for donatin' this lovely chocolate Easter Bunny to the children!
:''[Kids cheer as they rush toward the chocolate bunny]''
:'''Yakko''': Wait'll they get to the creamy filling!
:''[Warner Siblings wave their eyebrows]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Warner Siblings''': The crankiest of critters in the whole wide word, the next cartoon features Slappy the Squirrel!
:'''Slappy''': ''[opening the door]'' Eeeeenough of the singing already! ''[closing the door]''
:'''Warner Siblings''': That Slappy!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Slappy''': We're going to Tumcumcari, New Mexico.
:'''Slappy''': Why?
:'''Slappy''': To meet Bumbie's Mom.
:'''Skippy''': Bumbie's Mom? She's... WAAH!
:'''Slappy''': ...Pavlov would love this kid.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[Bumbie's Mom gets shot, causing Skippy to drop his popcorn]
:'''Bumbie''': Mommy?
:'''Skippy''': ''[Starts to tear up]'' Bumbie's Mommy... WAAAAAAH!
:'''Slappy''': ''[surprised out of her nap]'' Pat, I'd like to buy a vowel! ''[She then stares at the crying Skippy]''
:'''Skippy''': WAAAAAH! Bumbie's Mommy!
:'''Slappy''': Calm down kiddo, it's just a movie, she not really...
:'''Skippy''': ''[Not listening his grand-aunt]''...dead, she's dead. Bumbie's an orphan! WAAAAAAAAAH!
:'''Rude Woman''': ''[Looking over]'' What is that child's problem?
:'''Slappy''': Me, and in about 2 seconds, you're going to share that problem.
:'''Rude Woman''': Well, I never!
:'''Slappy''': Well, you should, it's fun. ''[She pushed the Rude Woman back to her seat]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hello Nurse''': Would you like anything?
:'''Slappy''': Perhaps a sedative?
:'''Hello Nurse''': Huh? I don't get it.
:'''Slappy''': Go away.
:'''Yakko and Wakko''': Hello, nurse!
:'''Slappy''': That was pointless.

===Wally Llama/Where Rodents Dare [1.09]===
:''[Open on [[w:Himilayas|The Himilayas]]. Triumphant music plays in the background]''
:'''Narrator''': The Himalayas. The largest mountains on the face of the Earth. ''[Fade to an &quot;Up this way&quot; sign, outside Mt. Gesundheit]'' And here, high atop Mt. Gesundheit, lives the wisest creature in the world. The great Wally Llama, knower of all that is knowable. People from all over the globe seek his advice, for there is no question he does not have an answer to.
:'''Wally Llama''': So, you see, [[w:Shirley MacLaine|Miss MacLaine]], there is no way you could have been [[w:Kaye Ballard|Kaye Ballard]] in another life. She is a Winter, and you are definitely an Autumn.
:'''Shirley MacLaine''': It's true! There is no question you don't know the answer to. Oh, thank you, Wally Llama. ''[kissing Wally Llama on the lips]'' Mmmm . ''[She skips away]''
:'''Wally Llama''': Huh, boy, what a dumb question. Phew! ''[He goes back inside his temple. He puts a &quot;Closed&quot; sign on his door]'' All day long questions, questions. I'm sick of questions! I will answer no more questions today. 
:''[He goes into his meditation room. He sits down on his cushion, pulling on a rope. A T.V. set pops up. He watches a Western, sighing]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Outside the temple, The Warner Siblings are walking up the stairs to The Temple of Wally Llama. They sit down on a step, tired, exhausted, panting]''
:'''Yakko''': Phew. That's worse than sweating to the oldies.
:'''Dot''': But not as annoying.
:'''Yakko''': True, no [[w:Richard Simmons|Richard Simmons]].
:''[Dot pants. Wakko Eats snow, then turns to see The Temple of Wally Llama]''
:'''Wakko''': Hey, there it is! The temple of Wally Llama!
:'''Dot''': C'mon! 
:''[The Warner Siblings run up to the doors. Yakko rings the doorbell]''
:'''Yakko''': Wow. Just think, siblings, soon we'll know the answer to the most important question in the whole wide world.
:''[Wakko Eats more snow. Yakko rings the doorbell]''
:'''Wally Llama''': Go away! ''[all Warner Siblings sniff themselves and shrug. Yakko rings the doorbell again]'' I said, &quot;Go away&quot;! I am missing ''[[w:Baywatch|Baywatch]]''.
:'''Wakko''': But we have a very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very- ''[Yakko jabs him with his elbow]'' important question to ask you.
:'''Wally Llama''': I'm sick of questions! Everybody always wants to ask me a question. ''[mockingly]'' &quot;Oh, Wally Llama, I have a question&quot;. &quot;Oh, Wally Llama, why is this?&quot; &quot;Why is that?&quot; ''[angrilly]'' No! I am not answering anymore questions today!
:'''Yakko''': How come?
:'''Wally Llama''': That's a question! And I'm not answering it. So there! ''[slams door]''
:''[Yakko rings doorbell]''
:'''Dot''': This is fun!
:'''Wally Llama''': WHAT?
:''[The Warner Siblings put on a slide show]''
:'''Dot''': Oh, great Llama, we have journeyed 8,000 miles through rain, sleet, and snow.
:'''Wakko''': I got sick in Phoenix.
:'''Dot''': We humbly request that you answer our one, tiny, ever-so-important question.
:'''Wally Llama''': Well... ''[angrilly shouting, blowing Dot away]'' NO! ''[slams door]''
:'''Yakko''': Our new friend.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Wally Llama speaks Nepalese as he angrilly walks back to his meditation room. He sits back on his cushion. He turns the T.V. back on]''
:'''TV Salesman:''' New White and Bright will get your clothes whiter and brighter than new. Just look!
:''[The Warner Siblings all pop out of the &quot;White and Bright Detergent&quot; box in the commercial]''
:'''Wakko''': Please, answer our question!
:'''Wally Llama''': No! And get out of my TV. ''[He turns off the T.V. He angrilly gets up and walks to his door. He opens the door to see The Warner Siblings at it]''
:'''The Warner Siblings''': ''[singing, as Wally Llama screams while his eyes grow big]'' Llama, Llama, Llama, my question answer, please. ''[Wally Llama slams the door, then runs to another door. He opens the other door to see The Warner Siblings dancing]'' When we hear the answer, we promise that we'll leave! Hey!
:''[Wally Llama slams the door]''
:'''Wally Llama''': Ooh, a thousand pities on me.
:''[The Warner Siblings come out of his hat and kiss him]''
:'''Dot''': Come on, Mr. Llama head,
:'''Wakko''': Just one itsy bitsy question?
:'''Wally Llama''': NO! ''[He pours The Warner Siblings out of his hat, then runs away]''
:'''Dot''': Your mouth may say &quot;No&quot;.
:'''Wakko''': But your eyes say &quot;Yes&quot;.
:''[The Warner Siblings chase him]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Wally Llama runs out of his temple. He hides behind a column, peeking out from behind it]''
:'''Wally Llama''': Wait a minute. I am the great Wally Llama, the wisest being on Earth. I must use my smarty-brains. ''[He thinks]'' Ah, I know where they will never find me. ''[He claps. He teleports to the clouds, floating in air, repeating &quot;Llama&quot; many times. Yakko Pokes Wally Llama]'' What?
:'''Yakko''': What're you doing?
:'''Wally Llama''': I'm hiding from the puppy children.
:'''Yakko''': Puppy children?
:'''Wally Llama''': Oh, golly, yes. They have long ears like that, and beady black eyes like that, and white faces like a spooky clown, and- ''[suddenly realizes that The Warner Siblings have found him]'' GAHH! ''[He falls, trying to levitate again, but crashes into the ground]'' Llama.
:''[The Warner Siblings floats down to him]''
:'''Yakko''': So, how about that question?
:'''Wally Llama''': AAH! ''[He runs away]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wally Llama''': ''[whistles]'' Taxi!
:'''Dot''': ''[offscreen, in a male New York accent]'' Where to, Mac?
:'''Wally Llama''': That's a question, I'm not answering it. Just drive! Terrible puppy children are after me! ''[He turns to see Dot driving the taxi cab]''
:'''Dot''': Hey! We're not puppies!
:'''Wally Llama''': ''[Screeching like a monkey]'' AAH! ''[He runs out of the taxi cab]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Pinky and The Brain sneak across the screen. Wally Llama runs to his temple]''
:'''The Warner Siblings''': ''[offscreen]'' Hello, Llama!
:'''Wally Llama''': AAH! ''[He runs out of his temple while The Warner Siblings give chase. He falls in exhaustion after fleeing from The Warner Siblings]'' Go away, please!
:'''Yakko''': Okay, fine. We know when we're not wanted. We can take a hint, you know. Come on, sibs. He probably doesn't know the answer to our question anyway.
:'''Wally Llama''': There is no question that I do not know the answer to.
:'''Yakko''': Yeah, yeah, but you wouldn't know the answer to this one. Just, ah- just forget it.
:'''Wally Llama''': But I know. I know everything!
:'''Yakko''': No, you don't. Not this.
:''[Wally Llama runs to The Warner Siblings]''
:'''Wally Llama''': There is no question in the world I do not know the answer to. Go ahead. Ask me. Ask me.
:''[Yakko turns to the viewer and waves his eye brows]''
:'''Yakko''': I thought you weren't answering any questions.
:'''Wally Llama''': Well, I'm not. Just this one to prove to you that I know everything.
:'''Yakko''': Well, uhh... okay. Here's our question. ''[leaning in with Wakko and Dot as Dot's eye is briefly seen detached from her face]'' Why do hot dogs come in packages of 10 and hot dog buns come in packages of 8? 
:''[The Warner Siblings lean in at Wally Llama's face, and wave their eye brows]''
:'''Wally Llama''': I... I... I don't know. ''[sweating]'' I don't know. ''[as his eyes merge and green swirls form in his eyes]'' I don't know! ''[as his pupils dilate]'' I-I-I-I-I-I- ''[flapping his lips, using his fingers, as his eyes his eyes merge and green swirls form in his eyes again and turn into swirls]'' Blblblbbllbi-  Ho-hohoho ho ha wha ha! ''[jumping up and down at The Warner Siblings]'' I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know! ''[He flips his lips, then sprouts four heads]'' Gobble gobble gobble gobble! ''[All four heads merge back into one head]'' Kama kama kama kama, rper, llama llama llama! ''[He speaks Nepalese as he bends the film of the video, and dances away, scattering flowers all over the place]''
:'''Yakko''': Maybe we should just write ''[[W:Dear Abby|Dear Abby]]''.

===King Yakko [1.10]===
:'''Umlatt''': No, no! This is the uniform of a great man!
:'''Yakko''': Does he know you're wearing it?
:'''Umlatt''': I am Umlatt of Donlikus, and I am here to demand you surrender Anvilania to me! I give you 24 hours to vacate!
:'''Yakko''': Vacation already? This is only my first day on the job!
:'''Umlatt''': I demand your surrender!
:'''Yakko''': I will not surrender! You surrender!
:'''Umlatt''': Me, surrender?
:'''Yakko''': Okay, I accept. Hand over the keys to your castle.
:'''Umlatt''': Don't be ridiculous! I'll go to war before I surrender!
:'''Yakko''': Well go ahead, and don't you come back until you've learned some manners, young man!
:'''Umlatt''': Very well, you silly child! ''[throwing his hands into the air]'' This means war!
:'''Yakko''': I thought that meant touchdown?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Arch Bishop''': King Yakko, your throne.
:'''Wakko''': The throne? How do you lift the lid?
:'''Dot''': Since when do you lift the lid?

===No Pain, No Painting/Les Miseranimals [1.11]===
:'''Pablo Picasso''': Oui oui!
:'''Yakko''': Pardon?
:'''Pablo Picasso''': Oui oui!
:'''Yakko''': Boy. The stuff they're getting away with on kid shows these days.

===Garage Sale of the Century/West Side Pigeons [1.12]===
:''[The cartoon opens up on a street with garage sale signs everywhere. Camera pans right to Papa Bear's house]''
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[counting his $700]'' 700 big ones. ''[He looks left and right. He puts the $700 in his shirt. He laughs delightfully]''
:'''Customer''': 'Scuse me
:'''Papa Bear''': Hi, neighbor, what can I do you for?
:'''Customer''': ''[showing him a small wooden pepper grinder]'' What is this?
:'''Papa Bear''': Well, this, uh, this thing, it's a, uh, gribble refiner. Very valuable, one of a kind.
:'''Customer''': What's a gribble refiner?
:'''Papa Bear''': What's a gri- you refine gribble with it, for heaven's sake. You don't have to buy it, make your own. Enough gribble for everyone.
:'''Customer''': Wow! I'll take it!
:'''Papa Bear''': Good man! ''[adding on an adding machine, taking his money, one-by-one]'' That's $19.95 plus tax, license, destination fee, shipping and handling. Whoops. I forgot research and development. Nice doing business with ya. Bye bye! ''[tosses him away]''
:'''Old lady''': ''[tapping Papa Bear on his right shoulder]'' Excuse me.
:''[Camera pans down left to an old lady]''
:'''Papa Bear''': What can I do ya for?
:'''Old lady''': ''[showing him the action figure with its head popping up on a spring]'' I bought this from your garage sale an hour ago, and when I got it home, it fell apart.
:'''Papa Bear''': It's supposed to that. Gives it character.
:'''Old lady''': Oh, no. It's broken, and I'd like my money back.
:'''Papa Bear''': Tell ya what I'm gonna do. I'm a fair man, let's compromise. ''[shouting at her]'' No refunds!! ''[throws her away into a tree. Walks away, dusting his hands]''
:'''Old lady''': That was rude.
:'''Yakko''': ''[reading sign]'' &quot;Garage sale&quot;. ''[to Wakko and Dot]'' Must be this way.
:''[The Warner Siblings run to the garage sale. Wakko runs back to the old lady in the tree]''
:'''Wakko''': Hello, lady in the tree. ''[He runs back to his siblings]''
:'''Old lady''': What a charming lad.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yakko''': ''[measuring the garage with Wakko's tongue]'' 22 feet wide. ''[lets go of Wakko's tongue and it winds back into his mouth, pumps Wakko's tail to jack his neck up to the top of the garage]''
:'''Wakko''': 10 feet tall!
:''[Papa Bear counts his cash, but sees The Warners measuring his garage. He puts the cash in his shirt and goes to his garage]''
:'''Dot''': Oh, Yakko, it's just the perfect size, it'll fit right on top of the water tower!
:'''Wakko''': Hey, the owner's coming.
:'''Yakko''': ''[whispering to Wakko and Dot]'' Remember, sibs, don't let him know were interested, or we won't get a good deal.
:''[The Warner Siblings whistle and walk around while Papa Bear watches them, suspiciously]''
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[blocking them]'' What are you kids doing?
:'''Yakko''': Nah, it's just not what we're looking for, uhh... it's all wrong.
:'''Wakko''': You'd have to pay us to take it away.
:''[Dot and Yakko smile at eachother]''
:'''Yakko''': But, uhh... I think we could see our way clear to pay you, hmm, what's fair? ¢26?
:'''Papa Bear''': What are you talking about?
:'''Yakko''': Now, now, none of that. We're not here to haggle. ¢26 is our final offer for your garage. Take or leave it.
:'''Dot''': Take it, oh, take it, please, please! ''[Yakko shakes his head rapidly, waving his finger]'' Or not. I don't care.
:'''Papa Bear''': You kids are crazy. Get off of my property!
:'''Yakko''': ¢27, but this is as high as we go for this particular garage. ''[to Wakko]'' You'll have to sell your [[w:Don Knotts|Don Knotts]] videos.
:''[Wakko whimpers]''
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[pushing them out]'' The garage is not for sale! ''[He closes the garage door]''
:'''Wakko''': Ooh, ''[grabbing at the garage door opener]'' can I press the button?
:'''Papa Bear''': No!
:'''Wakko''': ''[grabbing onto the garage door opener]'' Oh, please, please? ''[Both he and Papa Bear release the garage door opener. The garage door opener smashes]''
:'''Papa Bear''': Now, look what you've done!
:'''Wakko''': ''[picking up the broken garage door opener]'' Don't worry, Mister. I can fix it! It'll be good as new.
:'''Papa Bear''': Give me that back!
:'''Wakko''': I'll fix it, I'll fix it! I'll be right back.
:''[Wakko runs between Papa Bear's legs, taking the garage door opener to repair it. Papa Bear is on all fours, looking at Yakko and Dot upside down]''
:'''Yakko''': ''[holding out a quarter and two pennies]'' So, how about it, Pally? ¢27. Deal?
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[to Yakko and Dot, walking up to them]'' What are you kids, nuts? My garage isn't for sale. It's worth at least $20,000.
:'''Dot''': Fine. Let's meet somewhere in the middle.
:'''Yakko''': ''[holding out a quarter and three pennies]'' ¢28.
:'''Papa Bear''': Why, you little-! ''[Yakko and Dot run before Papa Bear can catch them. He chases them all over his front yard]'' Get outta here!
:'''Yakko''': Not until you sell us the garage.
:''[Wakko uses the garage door opener on Papa Bears roof, raising it]''
:'''Wakko''': Faboo! ''[He gets the roof back on the house, nearly crushing the house. He uses it on a trendy couple, turning them upside down. He turns them back right side up. Yakko and Dot run over a door, passing him. He uses it on the door, raising it at Papa Bear. CRASH! Yellow stars, blue stars, and red swirls fill the screen. Papa Bear sees flying white balls. Wakko uses the garage door on the door]'' Almost got it fixed.
:''[Yakko and Dot grab Wakko and take him as Papa Bear falls down. THUD! The ground shakes]''
:'''Dot''': What are we gonna do, Yakko? I don't think he wants to sell.
:'''Yakko''': We'll have to try a different approach.
:''[two women walk pass The Warners. Wakko is about to use the garage door opener on them]''
:'''Dot''': ''[taking the garage door away from him, grabbing his left arm]'' That will be enough of that.
:'''Yakko''': Every boy needs a hobby.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After the auction, Papa Bear sees through Yakko's disguise and pulls off his fake moustache]''
:'''Papa Bear''': You!
:'''Yakko''': Who?
:'''Papa Bear''': Get outta here!
:'''Old lady''': ''[offscreen]'' That's him, Officer!
:''[Papa Bear turns to see the old lady, a policeman, and an angry mob of angry customers]''
:'''Policeman''': These people tell me you won't give 'em refunds.
:'''Papa Bear''': But, Officer, I've given all my profits to charity. I have no money! ''[Wakko uses the garage door opener. Money, cash registers, and a piggy bank fall out of his shirt. Papa Bear laughs nervously]''
:'''Old lady''': ''[to the angry mob]'' Get the money!
:''[The angry mob of angry customers, Batman, [[w:List of Tiny Toon Adventure characters#Buster Bunny|Buster Bunny]], [[w:List of Tiny Toon Adventure characters#Babs Bunny|Babs Bunny]], and [[w:List of Tiny Toon Adventure characters#Dizzy Devil|Dizzy Devil]] rush towards Papa Bear and beat him up, taking all of their money back. Papa Bear picks up a penny. The old lady takes the penny and sticks her tongue out at him, then leaves]''
:'''Papa Bear''': ''[cries]'' I'm penniless, broke, nothing!
:'''Yakko''': ''[holding out a quarter and a penny]'' Say, how'd you like to make twenty-six cents?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Warners are on top of the water tower with Papa Bear's garage]''
:'''Dot''': ''[sighs happily]'' Our very own garage.
:'''Yakko''': ''[reading paper]'' Hey, check this out. Tomorrow, some guy's having a ''yard'' sale.

===Hello Nice Warners/La Behemoth/Little Old Slappy from Pasadena [1.13]===
:'''Mr. Director''': I'm balled over. That was good. You kids got it. You got that special zingy thing. That thing that only comes from here. ''[points at Yakko's chest]''
:'''Yakko''': That's just a spaghetti stain.
:'''Mr. Director''': See, that's funny. You're wack-o!
:'''Yakko''': No. ''[grabs Wakko]''  This is Wakko.
:'''Mr. Director''': You're funny!
:'''Yakko''': No, I'm Yakko. And, that's Dot.
:'''Dot''': Have we met before?
:'''Mr. Director''': ''[crazy voice]'' Oh! I love these kids! They are so funny! Sweet kids who look like puppies! Flamiel! ''[normal voice]'' Where're you kids going?
:'''Yakko''': Gen Murray's house?
:'''Mr. Director''': You kids are gonna be in my movie.
:'''The Warners''': ''[to audience]'' Movie?
:'''Mr. Director''': Who are you talking to?
:'''Wakko''': The people watching on TV.
:'''Mr. Director''': Peoples? What peoples? ''[crazy voice]'' Hello, nice people in the TV! ''[normal voice]'' Hey! I don't see any... where'd they go? Ah, there you are! ''[crazy voice]'' Nice kids, we're with the movie gonna do a thing!
:''[The Warners scream and try to run out the door]''
:'''Ralph''': Duh! Where are they?
:'''Yakko''': ''[shuts the door]'' Okay, Mr. Penzoil Head, you talked us into it. We'll do your movie.
:'''Mr. Director''': ''[crazy voice]'' Oh. You'll do! The mov...! You'll do the! Happy! I am! So much! Oil!
:'''The Warners''': ''[to audience]'' Be afraid! Be very afraid!

===Chalkboard Bungle/Hurray for Slappy/The Great Wakkorotti: The Master &amp; His Music [1.16]===
:'''Miss Flamiel''': We'll move on to science. Dot, what can you tell me about the great scientists of the 18th century?
:'''Dot''': They're all dead!
:'''Miss Flamiel''': No, no, no!
:'''Dot''': Alright, they're all living!
:'''Miss Flamiel''': No, no, no!
:'''Yakko''': Well, now we're getting into philosophy.
:'''Miss Flamiel''': We’re not getting into phi-… we’ll move on to grammar. Wakko, what is the meaning of the word &quot;procrastination&quot;?
:'''Wakko''': I'll tell ya tomorrow.
:'''Miss Flamiel''': You children are making this very difficult!
:'''Yakko''': Well, learning isn’t easy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ms. Flamiel''': Stop that! STOP THAT! SIT AT YOUR DESKS THIS INSTANT!
:''[The Warners jump into their seats &amp; sit quietly. Ms. Flamiel pulls a red marker pen out of her cleavage]''
:'''Yakko''': Ooh, what else ya got in there?
:'''Ms. Flamiel''': Why, you little...! F!!! [Writes an F on Yakko's forehead]''
:'''Dot''': Hey, you can't do that to him. ''[Ms. Flamiel writes an F on her forehead]''
:'''Ms. Flamiel''': F!!! ''[Dot cries her eyes out. Wakko buries his head in his arms, laughing. Ms. Flamiel glares at him, then writes an F on his hat with a black marker]'' F!!!
:''[Wakko stops laughing then stares at the F. Then, he gets very angry &amp; starts to shake his head]''
:'''Yakko''': Uh, oh. Now you've gone and hurt his feelings.
:'''Dot''': I'd apologize if I were you.
:'''Ms. Flamiel''': I will NOT! You're horrid, naughty children!
:''[Growling, Wakko grabs his desk and shakes, steam shooting out of his nose. Ms. Flamiel starts to look worried. Finally, the top of Wakko's hat blows up like a volcano. Ms. Flamiel covers her eyes as Wakko's head explodes offscreen]''

===Roll Over, Beethoven/The Cat and the Fiddle [1.17]===
:'''Beethoven''': I am Ludwig Van Beethoven, world famous composer and pianist.
:'''Yakko''': You're a what?
:'''Beethoven''': A pianist.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wakko''': ''[after trying to play Beethoven's hearing aide as if it were a brass instrument]'' Where's the mouth piece to this thing?
:'''Beethoven''': It's in my ear.
:'''Wakko''': THAT'S REVOLTING!

===Pavlov's Mice/Chicken Boo-Ryshnikov/Nothing But the Tooth [1.18]===
:'''Narrator''': In 1916, the Russian Empire was ruled by [[w:Czar Nicholas II|Czar Nicholas II]], the last in line of the great leaders and not so great leaders. But behind the scenes, the evil monk [[w:Rasputin|Rasputin]] was controlling the Czar with hypnotism. Rasputin forced the Czar to do whatever he wanted, even the most vile of acts.
:'''Czar Nicholas II''': ''[singing]'' I really like Rasputin, 'Cause I don't realize, I only like Rasputin 'Cause I am hypnotized. Hey! ''[Rasputin laughs evilly. He claps his hands, freeing Czar Nicholas II from the trance]'' Why, Rasputin. What are you doing here?
:'''Rasputin''': We were discussing my raise, your highness.
:'''Czar Nicholas II''': We were? But I just gave you a raise yesterday.
:'''Rasputin''': ''[hypnotically]'' You want to give me another raise, and, uh, a puppy.
:'''Czar Nicholas II''': ''[hypnotized]'' Yes. Yes! Why, Rasputin, there you are. I've been looking all over for you. 
:'''Rasputin''': Oh?
:'''Czar Nicholas II''': I want to give you another raise and a puppy.
:'''Rasputin''': If you insist, kind Czar.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': By controlling the Czar, Rasputin had absolute authority over all decisions affecting the Russian government.
:'''Rasputin''': I appoint you secretary of cheese, you, keeper of the lint, and as for you, kiss my puppy.
:''[Politician 3 does so, but then gets bitten]'' 
:'''Politician 3''': Aaahhh!
:'''Rasputin''': He likes you. Now, take him potty. Bye-bye. ''[singing, skipping down the hall]'' La la la la la la la la la la la la la la.
:'''Politician 2''': Why, he's insane.
:'''Politician 3''': ''[to Czar Nicholas II]'' Czar, Rasputin is mad. He's ruining the country. You must fire him.
:'''Czar Nicholas II''': ''[to Politician 3]'' I like him. You have a puppy on your nose. ''[He walks away in a hypnotic trance]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rasputin''': Ohhh! Please! The pain! You must help me.
:'''Yakko''': Now, you just relax. Don't worry about a thing. Wakko, prep the patient. ''[Wakko dresses Rasputin in a preppy outfit. Rasputin gasps]'' Now, ''that's'' preppy.
:'''Rasputin''': Maybe I'll get another dentist.
:'''Dot''': Don't be nervous, kid.
:'''Wakko''': Dr. Yakko's the most gentle dentist in the whole wide world.
:'''Yakko''': It's just the drill that hurts. ''[He holds a giant drill]''
:'''Rasputin''': Oh! Are you sure you're real dentists?
:'''Yakko''': To be honest with ya, dentistry's just a hobby. We're actually professional shriners.
:''[The Warner Siblings race around Rasputin in tiny cars]''
:'''Rasputin''': Ohhhh! Slow down!
:'''Yakko''': Why? Everyone else is Russian around here. ''[Wakko does a rim shot]'' Ey, I don't write 'em. I just say 'em. ''[He grabs Rasputin and puts him in the same tiny car with him, and The Warner Siblings take him for a wild ride out of the room and down the hall]'' Shriners, halt.
:'''Rasputin''': ''[getting flown off into the dentists chair]'' Whoa!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dot''': ''[putting a lobster bib around Rasputin's neck]'' There. We're ready, Dr. Yakko.
:'''Yakko''': ''[wearing a miner's helmet]'' Open. ''[Rasputin opens his mouth]'' Oh, my.
:'''Dot''': Oh, my, my.
:'''Wakko''': Eww!
:''[Camera shows the inside of Rasputin's mouth from the inside]''
:'''Warner Siblings''': Oh, the humanity!
:'''Rasputin''': ''[jumping out of the dentists chair in alarm]'' Go away! ''[He hides in his bed]''
:'''Dot''': ''[in a sing-song voice, removing the covers]'' Rasputin.
:'''Rasputin''': I changed my mind. I'm fine. See? It doesn't hurt at all.
:'''Dot''': I'm sorry, pumpkin, but that tooth has to come out.
:'''Yakko''': ''[in unison with Wakko, offscreen]'' We're ready.
:''[Rasputin gets scared out of his wits, chattering nervously, as Yakko and Wakko hold a giant pair of pliers]''
:'''Dot''': Come on, Mr. Scaredy Monk. ''[She takes him back to the dentists chair]''
:'''Rasputin''': No, no, really. I feel good, honest. The toothache's all gone. ''[Yakko pokes the tooth]'' Ow!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[after Wakko straps Rasputin into the dentists chair]''
:'''Yakko''': We're gonna have to deaden the pain with a little [[w:Anastasia|Anastasia]].
:''[Anastasia hits Rasputin with a mallet]''
:'''Dot''': Obscure joke. Talk to your parents.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yakko''': Wakko, my dental instrument, please. ''[He blows on the horn]'' Hmm, flat. Ahh, here we go. ''[He puts pliers in Rasputin's mouth]'' I require the aid of my assistants.
:''[The Warner Siblings strain, trying to pull the tooth out]''
:'''Dot''': That tooth is really in there.
:'''Wakko''': Let's try the string.
:'''Yakko''': Old-fashioned, but it just might work. ''[He ties one end of the string to the tooth]'' On the count of 3, pull. ''[The Warner Siblings strain, trying to pull the tooth out]'' Uhh... I'd better get the dynamite.
:'''Rasputin''': [''alarmed our of his wits]'' Dynamite? ''[jumping out of the dentists chair, fleeing The Warner Siblings]'' Aah!
:'''Yakko''': Was it something I said?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rasputin''': Aah!
:'''Dot''': Wait up, Mr. Monk man.
:'''Wakko''': We want to help you.
:''[The Warner Siblings chase Rasputin down the hallway. Czar Nicholas II comes in from the other end of the hallway]''
:'''Rasputin''': I'll have the Czar arrest those dentists and get me another raise. Czar!
:'''Wakko''': There's the string.
:'''Yakko''': Hold on. I'm going in. ''[He grabs the string]'' I got it! Shriners, halt!
:''[The Warner Siblings halt, jerking the teeth out of Rasputin's mouth. The Chihuahua puts on Rasputin's teeth]''
:'''Yakko''': It's a few more than I wanted, but I'm pleased.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Czar Nicholas II''': What happened? Rasputin, what are you doing here? The last thing I remember was you asking for a raise. I'm sorry, Rasputin, no raise. That's final.
:'''Rasputin''': ''[hypnotically, mumbling]'' Look into my eyes. ''[He covers his mouth, realizing he is toothless]''
:'''Czar Nicholas II''': What?
:'''Rasputin''': ''[hypnotically, mumbling]'' I said, &quot;Look into my eyes&quot;.
:'''Czar Nicholas II''': I don't understand you.
:'''Rasputin''': ''[angrilly jumping up and down]'' I said, &quot;Look into my eyes&quot;!
:'''Czar Nicholas II''': Don't take that tone with me.
:'''Rasputin''': Listen to me, you stupid Czar!
:'''Czar Nicholas II''': How dare you! You're fired! I'll never understand why I kept you around so long. Get out! ''[kicks Rasputin out]''
:'''Narrator''': ''[as Rasputin angrilly shakes his fist at Czar Nicholas II, gets up, dusts himself, and walks off in a huff]'' No longer capable of hypnotizing the Czar, Rasputin was banished forever, and the Czar was free to rule Russia as he darn well pleased.
:'''Czar Nicholas II''': I can't thank you enough. All of Russia owes you a great debt. Goodbye.
:'''Dot''': Bye-bye, Czar.
:'''Wakko''': What a nice man.
:'''Yakko''': I see nothing but good things in his future. [[w:Russian Revolution|Of course, I could be wrong]].
:''[Inside the palace, Czar Nicholas II is giving the Chihuahua bones on a pillow]''
:'''Czar Nicholas II''': ''[hypnotized]'' I will give you bones. Bones, bones.
:'''Chihuahua''': I may be ugly, but I'm smart.

===Meatballs or Consequences/A Moving Experience [1.19]===
:'''Yakko''': ''[holding onto Death]'' We'll all be like a family!
:'''Wakko''': Can we call you &quot;Dadoo&quot;?
:'''Dot''': Hey, Pop, can we stay up past ten?
:'''Yakko''': Can we watch the adult channel?
:'''Yakko and Wakko''': Hellooooooo, Nurse!

===Hearts of Twilight/The Boids [1.20]===
:'''Yakko''': ''[serious voice over]'' We were each chosen for our unique abilities. That's Dot. Her specialty: Cuteness. That's Wakko. His specialty: The mallet. That's me. My specialty: *Two paddle-balls at once!*
:'''Thaddius Plotz''': ''[referring to a map]'' Now you have to get from this office here to soundstage 64 here, and stop that director. Any questions?
:'''Dot''': Would I look cute as a blonde?
:'''Wakko''': Why do cats purr?
:'''Yakko''': Who's chubbier, Perry Mason or Scotty on &quot;Star Trek&quot;?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mr. Director''': ''[crazy voice]'' Okay! I'm ready for my ending!
:'''Dot''': You want it?
:'''Mr. Director''': ''[crazy voice]'' Oh, yeah!
:'''Yakko''': Are you sure?
:'''Mr. Director''': ''[crazy voice]'' Yeah! Give! Give! Froinlaven!
:'''Yakko''': And... action!
:'''Mr. Director''': ''[gets hit in the head by a huge mallet, Crazy voice] That's an ending?
:'''Cameraman''': ''[whispering to Yakko]'' Microphone was in the shot.
:'''Yakko''': Okay, everybody! Let's do it again!
:'''Mr. Director''': ''[crazy voice]'' Oh no! I don't want that!
:'''Yakko''': And... action!
:'''Mr. Director''': ''[gets hit with the large mallet again, is as flat as a pancake, crazy voice]'' The hurting... the hurting... cut, print, that's a wrap!

===The Flame/Wakko's America/Davy Omelette/Four Score and Seven Migraines Ago [1.21]===
:''[after Wakko's America, the &quot;incorrect&quot; buzzer is heard]''
:'''Wakko''': Huh?
:'''Miss Flamiel''': Ohh, I'm so sorry. You failed to put your response to the form of the question.
:''[Wakko whacks the violin on top of his head and falls unconsciously as Yakko shrugs this shoulders in remorse and Dot spreads her arms wide with pleasure]''

===Guardin' the Garden/Plane Pals [1.22]===
:'''Yakko''': ''[as Ivan Bloski jumps into the ocean and swims away furiously]'' Friends don't let friends disappear over the horizon alone. ''[the Warners all jump into a rowboat]'' Wait!
:'''Dot''': Stick around!
:'''Wakko''': We're gonna make sloppy joes and rent Don Knotts videos!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Ivan Bloski''': This is absurd! You little goons have been bothering me ever since I sat down! Do you know who I am?
:'''Yakko''': No. Do you know who *I* am?
:'''Ivan Bloski''': No!
:'''Yakko''': Then we're even.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Slappy''': ''[to the serpent]'' You remind me of a very young Scrappy-Doo.
:'''Slappy''': Oh, the back door.
:'''Serpent''': Colonel Mustard did it in the kitchen. ''[Slappy opens the door and behind it was a cannon which exploded in the Serpent's face]'' ...Or was it Miss Scarlett?

===Be Careful What You Eat/Up the Crazy River/Ta Da Dump, Ta Da Dump, Ta Da Dump Dump Dump [1.23]===
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': What are you drawing?
:'''Wakko''': It's a cow eating grass. ''[holds up a blank paper]''
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': But where's the grass?
:'''Wakko''': The cow ate it.
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': But where is the cow?
:'''Wakko''': Well, he's not going to stick around if there isn't any more grass to eat.

===Opportunity Knox/Wings Take Heart [1.24]===
:'''Brain''': Come, Pinky, we must prepare for tomorrow night.
:'''Pinky''': Why, Brain? What are we gonna do tomorrow night?
:'''Brain''': Guess.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brain''': Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?
:'''Pinky''': Oh, I think so, Brain, but balancing a family and a career? Oh, it's all too much for me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Brain''': Do you realize what we will do with this pollen, Pinky?
:'''Pinky''': Um, open a boutique?
:'''Brain''': Yes, that's it, we'll open a boutique and sell ladies clothing and pollen.
:'''Pinky''': Egad, Brain, what fun! I like this idea, I do!

===Hercule Yakko/Home on De-Nile/A Midsummer Night's Dream [1.25]===
:'''Yakko''': ''[he and Dot are dressed in detective outfits]'' Number one sister! Dust for prints! ''[Dot pulls out a feather duster and Yakko goes over to Wakko, who is reclined in an easy chair] Doctor Wakko, it could be a long night. Better order some pizzas]''
:'''Wakko''': ''[picks up a telephone next to the chair]'' I'd like 42 pizzas, 6 with no crusts. ''[smiles at camera]''
:'''Yakko''': ''[goes over to Flavio and Marita]'' Now - Do you have any enemies?
:'''Flavio Hippo and Marita Hippo''': No.
:'''Yakko''': Do you have any creditors?
:'''Flavio Hippo and Marita Hippo''': No.
:'''Yakko''': Well then... ''[he runs over to a piano and begins playing it]'' Do you have any requests? Thank you so much! ''[picks up a mic and begins singing]'' Way down, Jack / Upon the Nile River, Jack...
:'''Dot''': I found Prince! ''[she holds the musical artist Prince in her arms]''
:'''Yakko''': No no no, *finger*prints! [he wiggles his fingers]
:''[Dot looks at Prince, he smiles at her, then puts his head back in a &quot;facepalm&quot;; Dot shakes her head to the camera]''
:'''Dot''': I don't think so. ''[she tosses him out a window]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Yakko is reciting Puck's final monologue from A Midsummer Night's Dream while Dot translates]''
:'''Yakko''': If we shadows have offended, think but this and all is mended.
:'''Dot''': If the actors in our show made you mad, it will be okay if you look at it this way!
:'''Yakko''': That you have but slumbered here while these visions did appear.
:'''Dot''': You fell asleep on your butt and dreamed the whole thing.
:'''Yakko''': And this weak and idle theme, no more yielding but a dream.
:'''Dot''': There was a hole in the plot you can drive a truck through.
:''[behind the action, Wakko is picking flowers and is swatted by a group a fairies. He sprays them away with a fire hose]''
:'''Yakko''': Gentles, do not reprehend...
:'''Dot''': Honeys, don't blame us. You could be watching Oprah.
:'''Yakko''': If you pardon, we will mend.
:'''Dot''': But we're sorry and we promise our next show will be full of funny skits.
:''[Wakko continues to pick flowers when a very sexy fairy emerges]''
:'''Wakko''': Hello pixie! ''[he chases after her]''
:'''Yakko''': And, as I am an honest Puck...
:'''Dot''': I'm not touching that one.
:'''Yakko''': If we have unearned luck now to 'scape the serpent's tongue.
:'''Dot''': What he said.
:'''Yakko''': We will make amends ere long!
:'''Dot''': We'll buy you foot long hot dogs!
:'''Yakko''': Else the Puck a liar call: So, good night unto you all. ''[he blows a kiss]''
:'''Dot''': Goodnight everybody!
:'''Yakko''': Give me your hands, if we be friends.
:'''Dot''': Applaud if you like us!
:''[the pixie Wakko has been chasing after comes up behind him enraged. He tries to give her flowers while she tries to swat him with a huge fly swatter]''
:'''Wakko''': And Robin shall restore amends.
:'''Dot''': And the Boy Wonder will save us.
:''[the Batmobile drives up and the Warners all jump in it, and it drives away]''

===Testimonials/Babblin' Bijou/Potty Emergency/Sir Yaksalot [1.26]===
:'''Yakko''': Did you call for the bravest, most daring knight in all the land?
:'''King Arthur''': Oh, yes.
:'''Yakko''': Well, too bad. You got us.
:'''Dot''': What a silly mix-up!

===You Risk Your Life/I Got Yer Can/Jockey for Position [1.27]===
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': It's time to play...
:'''Audience''': ''[offscreen, as the words &quot;You Risk Your Life&quot; appear on the screen]'' You Risk Your Life!
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': Now, everybody's favorite host, Yakko.
:''[stock footage of a live-action audience clapping plays]''
:''[Yakko cuts through the curtain with scissors, then slams his head on the stage a couple of times. Stock footage of a live-action audience clapping plays]''
:'''Yakko''': Thank you. Oh, Scratchansniff. Why don't we bring out our first two contestants?
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': Okay. She's a homemaker from Madison, Wisconsin. He is the world's greatest philosopher. Please, welcome Mrs. Myra Puntridge ''und'' [[w:Aristotle|Aristotle]].
:''[The curtain reveals Mrs. Myra Puntridge (actually Elmra Duff from [[w:Tiny Toons Adventures|Tiny Toons Adventures]]), and Aristotle. Stock footage of a live-action audience clapping plays]''
:'''Yakko''': Welcome to You Risk Your Life. Say the secret word, and Wakko will hit you on the head with a mallet.
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': ''[offscreen, whispering]'' Today's secret word is &quot;Yes.&quot; 
:'''Yakko''': Now, Myra, you're a homemaker, is that right? 
:'''Mrs. Myra Puntridge''': Oh, correct. 
:'''Yakko''': What kind of homes do you make?
:''[stock footage of a live-action audience laughing plays]''
:'''Yakko''': And, Aristotle, let's see here. It says you are a philosopher, is that correct?
:'''Aristotle''': Yes.
:''[Dinging is heard offscreen, and Aristotle gets hit on the head]''
:'''Yakko''': Congratulations. You said the secret word. Well, are you both ready to play you risk your life?
:'''Aristotle''': Yes.
:''[Dinging is heard offscreen, and Aristotle gets hit on the head again]''
:'''Yakko''': You said the secret word again. Congratulations. All right, you've chosen the category &quot;Vocabulary.&quot; Here's your question. &quot;What word is the opposite of 'No'?&quot;
:''[Mrs. Myra Puntridge and Aristotle whisper]''
:'''Aristotle''': Yes.
:''[stock footage of a live-action audience clapping plays]''
:'''Yakko''': That's correct!
:''[Dinging is heard offscreen, and Aristotle gets hit on the head again]''
:'''Yakko''': Good night, everybody. See you tomorrow.
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': Mallet furnished by Bashem and Wallop of Beverly Hills. Good night.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Slappy Squirrel comes out of her tree, drinking a can of diet walnut soda]''
:'''Slappy Squirrel''': Aah, diet soda. Heh. Gotta watch my figure. ''[showing her legs]'' Hey, somebody's gotta watch it. ''[She chuckles. She walks away from her tree]''
:'''Skippy Squirrel''': Where're you going, Aunt Slappy?
:'''Slappy Squirrel''': To the store for some buttermilk.
:'''Skippy Squirrel''': Speeewww!
:'''Slappy Squirrel''': Hey, they make it, somebody's gotta drink it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Slappy Squirrel is walking by a white picket fence, drinking her diet walnut soda. She opens a trashcan. Truck-out  to Candie Chipmunk's tree. She winces. She throws the can away into Candie Chipmunk's trash can]''
:'''Slappy Squirrel''': Eww!
:''[Candie Chipmunk comes out]''
:'''Candie Chipmunk''': Excuse me!
:'''Slappy Squirrel''': You're excused.
:'''Candie Chipmunk''': Um, would you mind? 
:'''Slappy Squirrel''': Probably. ''[to Candie Chipmunk]'' Look, I ain't interested in [[w:Amway|Amway]], lady, all right?
:'''Candie Chipmunk''': Would you mind removing your can from my trash receptacle?
:'''Slappy Squirrel''': [[w:Allen Funt|Allen Funt]] is a dead man.
:'''Candie Chipmunk''': That is my trash can. I'm sure you must have a trash can of your own.
:'''Slappy Squirrel''': Let me get this straight. You want me to take my soda can out of your trash can, walk all the way back over to my tree, and throw it in my trash can?
:'''Candie Chipmunk''': That's right. Do you have a problem with that?
:'''Slappy Squirrel''': No, but now you do.
:''[Slappy Squirrel takes the can out of the trash can]''
:'''Candie Chipmunk''': Thank you so much. Buh-bye.
:'''Slappy Squirrel''': You're welcome so much. Buh-bye. ''[to the viewer]'' If I were a better person, I'd ignore her and go on with my life. But I'm not. ''[She cackles]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Skippy, dressed as a [[w:Girl Scout|Girl Scout]], rings the doorbell. Candie Chipmunk opens the door]''
:'''Skippy''': Hey, miss lady. Would you like to buy some cookies? All the proceeds go to help Squirrel Scouts to be more like you.
:'''Candie Chipmunk''': Isn't that appropriate. I'll take one box. ''[Skippy winks at the viewer. Candie Chipmunk takes the box and goes inside. Skippy chuckles to himself]'' I love helping out children less perfect than I. ''[She opens the box, takes out the can, and gasps. &quot;You're a Horse's Ass&quot; plays in the background. She growls. Wipe to Slappy Squirrel's tree. Slappy Squirrel and Skippy laugh. Candie Chipmunk throws the can at the back of Slappy's head offscreen. Slappy Squirrel's hat lands on Skippy's head]''
:'''Slappy Squirrel''': Oof! Let the games begin.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Slappy Squirrel, dressed as a lawyer, rings the doorbell offscreen. Candie Chipmunk opens the door]''
:'''Slappy Squirrel''': Victoria Sifuentes, attorney at law. My card. ''[shows card]'' ''Ipso facto'' on this date-o, your late-us Uncle Festoon has passed on and left you this.
:'''Candie Chipmunk''': My, my. Oh, why, thank you. ''[She takes the crate into hertree. She carries it into her living room]'' I wonder what it could be. ''[She opens the crate with a crowbar. She looks and searches through the packing peanuts]'' Aha! ''[She finds the can, and gasps. &quot;You're a Horse's Ass&quot; plays in the background. She becomes angry, and her teeth break. Wipe to Slappy Squirrel's tree. Slappy Squirrel and Skippy are laughing]''
:'''Slappy Squirrel''': Skippy, in most cases, revenge is not a good thing. ''[gets bonked on the head with her can. Slappy Squirrel's hat lands on Skippy's head]'' In other cases, it's the ''only'' thing.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Candie Chipmunk skips out of her tree to her mailbox. She opens the mailbox. She opens an envelope]''
:'''Candie Chipmunk''': ''[reading letter]'' &quot;Dear Candie Chipmunk, congratulations. You have been chosen to appear on the new game show entitled 'The New Game Show'. Come to the studio right away.&quot; Imagine me on a game show. What'll I wear?
:''[Wipe to The New Game Show. Candie Chipmunk wears corn around her head]''
:'''Host''': All right, Candie. You've already won a washer-dryer, a wet bar, a lexus, [[w:The Love Boat|The Love Boat]], [[w:Cher|Cher]]'s house, and the planet Venus.
:'''Audience''': Ooh. Aah.
:'''Host''': Do you want to keep your prizes, or trade them for something possibly even bigger behind curtain number 3?
:''[Show girl shows the curtain]''
:'''Yakko''':''[in unison with Wakko]'' Hello, nurse!
:'''Dot''': Boys, go fig.
:'''Candie Chipmunk''': I'll take... the curtain!
:''[The curtain reveals both Slappy Squirrel and the can. &quot;You're a Horse's Ass&quot; plays in the background. Candie Chipmunk shakes with insanity. Cut to Slappy Squirrel's tree as she explodes offscreen as Slappy Squirrel and Skippy watch it on T.V.]''
:'''Skippy''': She exploded.
:'''Slappy Squirrel''': It's a toon thing. ''[Candie Chipmunk knocks on door offscreen]'' Shoot me ''[Candie Chipmunk throws the can at Slappy Squirrel's head from outside the tree offscreen]'' Look at that, she ain't recycling.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Scene changes from Summer to Autumn]''
:'''Candie Chipmunk''': ''[offscreen]'' Hup, two, three, four, no can's getting in my door. ''[Fade to inside. She is marching back and forth, dressed as [[w:Rambo|Rambo]], in front of bazooka guns, army tanks, and barbed wire]'' Hup, two, three, four, no can's getting in my door.
:''[The doorbell rings. Candie Chipmunk opens the door]''
:'''Sister-Margaret-Mary-Anne-June-July''': ''[in an Irish accent]'' Hello. We're taking collections for the homeless.
:'''Candie Chipmunk''': ''[growls]'' prepare to eat it, slappy.
:'''Sister-Margaret-Mary-Anne-June-July''': ''[in an Irish accent, screaming, in unison with other nun]'' Oh, my goodness! Oh, my goodness!
:'''Candie Chipmunk''': Ha! Gotcha. ''[The grenade explodes. All that is left of Candie Chipmunk is her teeth]''
:'''Slappy Squirrel''': She reminds me of a very young [[w:Wilma Flintstone|Wilma Flintstone]].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Scene changes from Autumn to Winter. [[w:The Shining (film)|At Christmas time, Candie Chipmunk is at her typewriter, repeatedly typing &quot;All work and no cans make Candie a dull Chipmunk&quot;]]. [[w:Santa Claus|Santa Claus]] comes down the chimney. A surreal suspiciously irritated Candie Chipmunk's eyes roll behind her]'' 
:'''Santa Claus''': Ho ho ho, have I got something for you.
:''[Candie Chipmunk gets out of the chair]''
:'''Candie Chipmunk''': ''[sarcastic]'' Mmmm, a present, from Santa Slappy? Let me guess, could it be... A CAN?
:'''Santa Claus''': Being the jolly representation of the holidays isn't what it use to be. ''[He scurries back up the chimney]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Scene changes from Winter to Spring. Candie Chipmunk comes out of her tree, skinny and tired. &quot;The Dance of the Reed Flutes&quot; from &quot;[[w:The Nutcracker Suite|The Nutcracker Suite]]&quot; by [[w:Pytor Tchaikovsky|Pytor Tchaikovsky]] plays, at the same time a semitone lower, as Candie Chipmunk, looking skinny and tired, walks over to Slappy Squirrel's tree. She knocks on the door. Slappy Squirrel opens the door]''
:'''Candie Chipmunk''': ''[tired with insanity]'' I've been waiting, and waiting, and waiting! I can't take it any longer! Give it to me! Give it to me! Give it to me!
:''[Skippy Drops an anvil on Candie Chipmunk offscreen]''
:'''Slappy Squirrel''': What about the plot, [[w:Ernest Hemingway|Hemingway]]? What's an anvil got to do with this story?
:'''Skippy''': Who cares? Anvils are funny!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Slappy Squirrel''': ''[presents the can wrapped up like a baby]'' Congratulations, you're a mother.
:'''Candie Chipmunk''': ''[stunned from the anvil]'' Really? ''[folds back blanket and sees the can, then grins goofily]'' He looks just like his father.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Slappy Squirrel''': ''[after battling with Candie Chipmunk for a year]'' Now, to the store for that buttermilk.
:'''Skippy Squirrel''': Speeww!
:'''Slappy Squirrel''': It could be worse. It could be prune juice.
:''[Skippy turns to the viewer and shrugs. Fade to black]''

===Moby or Not Moby/Mesozoic Mindy/The Good, the Boo and the Ugly [1.28]===
:''[Cartoon opens up with a high-angle shot of the clouds, which move to reveal [[w:The Pequod|The Pequod]] as &quot;[[w:Blow the Man Down|Blow the Man Down]]&quot; plays in the background. Cut to a shot of The Pequod. Cut to the deck. [[w:Ishmael|Ishmael]] is wiping the deck]''
:'''Yakko''': ''[popping out of a barrel]'' So this is ''[[w:The Love Boat|The Love Boat]]''. ''[to Ishmael]'' You must be Doc.
:''[The Warner Siblings pull out lounge chairs and sunbathe]''
:'''Ishmael''': [[w:Moby Dick|Call me Ishmael]].
:'''Yakko''': Call me [[w:Ishtar|Ishtar]].
:'''Wakko''': Call me irresponsible.
:'''Dot''': Call me any time, but not collect, okay, big fella?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Yakko''': ''[to Queequeg]'' Hi, we're stowaways. Are you gopher?
:'''[[w:Queequeg|Queequeg]]''': No, I Queequeg.
:''[The Warner Siblings sniff him]''
:'''Yakko''': Sorry to hear that. Next time, don't eat so many prunes.
:'''Wakko''': ''[pointing to a flag with a prohibition symbol over Moby Dick]'' Hey, look. They've got miniature golf onboard.
:''[The Warner Siblings hit the golf balls]''
:'''Warner Siblings''': Fore! ''[The golf balls bounce all over The Pequod until they hit [[w:Captain Ahab|Captain Ahab]]'s door]''
:'''Captain Ahab''': Who dares disturb my brooding? ''[He grabs [[w:List of Moby-Dick characters#Starbuck|Starbuck]] by his collar]'' Starbuck, have you sighted Moby Dick?
:'''Starbuck''': Ach! Negative, Captain. We must quit this mad quest.
:'''Captain Ahab''': Ye craven bilge rat. We'll search for [[w:Moby Dick (whale)|Moby Dick]] until-- what?
:'''Yakko''': [[w:Captain Stubing|Captain Stubing]], you mind if I steered the boat so we can go water-skiing?
:'''Captain Ahab''': What? Yes. Go away. We'll search for Moby Dick until the seas dry up and the fish flop around in their underwear because all the water's gone. We'll search until-- huh? ''[The Pequod tilts]'' What in the name of [[w:Neptune (mythology)|Neptune]]'s pantry? ''[He sees Yakko at the helm]'' Give me that wheel at once!
:''[Yakko gives him both the wheel and the helm]''
:'''Yakko''': You're the Captain.
:'''Captain Ahab''': Whoa! ''[Captain Ahab spins around, then spins towards the barrels knocking them down like bowling pins at a bowling alley. The Warner Siblings help him up]'' Who are ye?!
:'''Yakko''': We're The Warner Brothers, Captain Stubing.
:'''Dot''': And The Warner Sister. Say, would you see if there's anything stuck in my teeth?
:'''Wakko''': You know, if you shaved your beard, you'd look just like [[w:Ernest Borgnine|Ernest Borgnine]].
:'''Captain Ahab''': Mark ye well that I am Captain Ahab. Cursed by vengeance to roam the seas until I find Moby Dick. You stowaways earn your keep aboard The Pequod. Now find me a white whale. 
:'''Dot''': Okay.
:'''Yakko''': Look. A white whale.
:'''Captain Ahab''': Where? Where?
:'''The Warner Siblings''': ''[singing]'' Monkeys always look! Monkeys always look!
:'''Captain Ahab''': Stop your tomfoolery. Find me that whale!
:'''Yakko''': Thar she blows!
:'''Captain Ahab''': Where? Where?
:''[Dot plays a trumpet]''
:'''Dot''': ''[as [[w:Louis Armstrong|Louis Armstrong]] ]'' That's high C on the high seas. Yeah.
:'''Yakko''': So, what do you say, Cap? Let's look for something else now.
:'''Dot''': ''[in normal voice]'' Yeah. Who cares about a white whale? Let's dress up like ghosts and scare the crew.
:'''Captain Ahab''': Don't ye understand? All I live for is to catch Moby, and destroy him for his oil, conquer him for his blubber, stomp on his big whale head and make perfume from his brain.
:'''Yakko''': Captain, you've gotta go on shore leave more often.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[After the &quot;Captain, You're a Dummy&quot; Song]''
:''[Moby Dick swims toward The Pequod, leaping over it]''
:'''Captain Ahab''': Get Moby Dick. All hands stand to. Man the longboat!
:'''Yakko''': Or woman the short boat. That way, everybody's covered.
:''[Captain Ahab and The Warner Siblings jump into a row boat]''
:'''Captain Ahab''': Stroke.
:'''The Warner Siblings''': You have a cute beard.
:'''Captain Ahab''': Stroke.
:'''The Warner Siblings''': you have a wonderful voice.
:'''Captain Ahab''': Stroke.
:'''The Warner Siblings''': Have you ever considered a career in radio? 
:''[The Warner Siblings row]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Captain Ahab''': Vengeance is mine at last. ''[He splits the row boat in half, using the spear]'' Begone!
:'''The Warner Siblings''': Oh, Captain Ahab, don't look behind you.
:''[Captain Ahab turns to see Moby Dick behind him]''
:'''Captain Ahab''': ''[nearly losing his balance on the front end of the row boat]'' Whoa-- w-w-whoa. So long, Moby Dick. ''[He throws the spear at Moby Dick. Moby dick catches it, uses it as a toothpick, then kicks the spear away, using his tail. Captain Ahab is now nervous]''
:'''Yakko''': Hey, Captain Ahab. Tell Moby all about stomping on him, and making blubber cakes and stuff out of his oil.
:'''Captain Ahab''': ''[chuckling nervously]'' Oh, I was just funning the youngsters about all that. I certainly wasn't serious-- ''[swimming away for his life, scared out of his wits]'' Aah! ''[Moby Dick chases him, then eats him. Captain Ahab screams. Inside Moby Dick's mouth, Captain Ahab lights a match, then a lantern, and sits down on a broken mast]''
:'''[[w:Pinocchio|Pinocchio]]''': Say, nice leg.
:'''Captain Ahab''': Get me out of here!
:''[Moby Dick is swimming away]''
:'''Wakko''': So long, Captain Ahab.
:'''Dot''': Enjoy your new home!
:'''Yakko''': Don't play around Moby's blowhole. Alas, we're alone, adrift on the open ocean without food, water, or facial moisturizer.
:'''Wakko''': That's right, kids. Always remember, a moisturized face is a happy face.
:'''Dot''': Isn't there a single ship anywhere that will take pity on us? ''[sobs]'' Any ship will do.
:''[The [[w:RMS Titanic|RMS Titanic]], The [[w:SS Edmund Fitzgerald|SS Edmund Fitzgerald]], and The [[w:S.S. Minnow|S.S. Minnow]] pull up on all sides]''
:'''[[w:Skipper (Gilligan's Island)|Skipper]]''': ''[offscreen]'' Hey, little buddies.
:'''Yakko''': We shoulda been more specific.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Lee, Eli and the bartender watch Chicken Boo walk in, in his hat and poncho. Only the bartender knows that he's obviously a chicken]''
:'''Eli''': You know who that is? The Man with No Personality. Some say he robbed a bank and saved a puppy at the same time.
:'''Lee''': So is he for the law or agin it?
:'''Eli''': Nobody knows. Cause he ain't got no personality!
:'''Woman''': Some say that high plains drifter is a giant chicken.
:''[startled, Eli spits out a mouthful of spaghetti]''

===Hot, Bothered, and Bedeviled/Moon Over Minerva/Skullhead Boneyhands [1.29]===
:'''Satan''': Little fools! I am Beelzebub! Lucifer! The Reaper of Souls! The Really Angry One! I AM SATAN! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
:'''Dot''': So that's nothing! I'm: ''[rasping, sinister voice]'' Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Banana Fanna Bobesca the Third! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! ''[normal voice]'' Just a little thing I do.
:'''Satan''': You blundering dolts! Don't you realize you've entered the fiery realm of Hades?!
:'''Wakko''': Hades? ''[Dashes back up to the surface, brings back a snowball, sets it down, and watches as it quicky melts]'' Boy, they were right! It didn't have a chance!
:'''Satan''': SILENCE! And now, prepare to suffer indescribable torment!
:'''Yakko''': Another Bob Hope special?
:'''Satan''': Worse!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Satan''': Cerberus my pet, toss these fools into the Lake of Fire. But slowly. I want to watch them wiggle in agony.
:'''Yakko''': How about if we just wiggle here?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yakko''': Hey, does George Hamilton know your tan's better than his?
:'''Satan''': SILENCE! I don't want to hear another peep from you!
:'''Warners''': Peep-peep-peep-peep-peep-peep-peep-peep--!
:'''Satan''': STOP PEEPING!
:'''Warners''': ''[pause]'' Peep-peep-peep-peep-peep-peep-peep-peep-peep-peep-peep!!!

===Draculee, Draculaa/Phranken-Runt [1.30]===
:''[The Warner Siblings tunnel underground. Yakko pops up like [[w:Bugs Bunny|Bugs Bunny]]]''
:'''Yakko''':  I know we're not rabbits, but it's a [[w:Warner Bros.|Warner]] tradition.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yakko''': ''[mistaking Transylvania for Pennsylvania]'' Pennsylvania, home at last! ''[to Wakko]'' Since we're cartoons, we were drawn, so it stands to reason Mom and Dad must've been pencils. So let's start the search for our family tree.
:''[A thunderstorm starts. A lightning bolt strikes a tree, burning it to a crisp]''
:'''Dot''': I hope that wasn't it.
:''[The burnt tree is now ashes]''
:'''Yakko''':  On second thought, let's start the search tomorrow. I'm tired.
:''[Wakko peppers a rock and eats it]''
:'''Wakko''': I'm hungry.
:'''Dot''': I'm cute.
:''[the boys glare at her]''
:'''Dot''': Hey, I can't help it if I'm cute.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yakko''': ''[to [[w:Dracula|Dracula]] ]'' Does [[w:Batman|Batman]] know you're wearing his cape, so badly?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w: Dracula|Count Dracula]]''': ''[to his skeleton valet]'' Don't wait for me. ''[He walks with cloak wrapped around]'' Aah. Ignorant little travelers. It's been many years since any have come willingly to me. Who are you?
:'''Yakko''': ''[in unison with Wakko]'' We're the Warner Brothers.
:'''Dot''': And the Warner Sister.
:'''Yakko''': ''[to Count Dracula, as Wakko takes a pocket watch out of Count Dracula's pocket]'' Does [[w:Batman|Batman]] know you're wearing his cape, so badly?
:'''Wakko''': I'm Wakko. ''[He kisses Dracula]'' Did you miss me, huh?
:'''Count Dracula''': Please. You're washing off my [[w:Old spice|Old spice]].
:'''Dot''': I'm Dot, but you may call me princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Banana Fanna Bo Besca, the third. Tee hee. ''[Count Dracula sees the blood vessels in Dot's neck. Says Type O, unleaded 87 octane with marks. Dracula looks close, each of his hands connected]'' I get this from guys all the time. ''[Count Dracula looks closer at Dot's neck, making it stretch]'' Snap out of it!
:'''Count Dracula''': Ahem. I am Count Dracula!
:'''Yakko''': Didn't you used to [[w: Count von Count|teach math on ''Sesame Street'']]?
:'''Count Dracula''': Stop your silly chatter and enter. The night is long and I hunger for company. ''[The Warner Siblings dash off, leaving him on the floor. He growls, and the door slams in his face]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Dracula repeatedly bangs on the door]''
:'''Wakko''': ''[talking about Dracula]'' That guy sure dresses funny.
:'''Dot''': This is Pennsylvania, Wakko. He's probably Amish.
:'''Yakko''': I'll handle him. I saw ''[[w:Witness (1985 film)|Witness]]'' twice. ''[He opens the door for Count Dracula. He clears his throat]'' Greetings, good Amish farmer. How's it going with thee? Is there a place hither where we may sleep yon?
:'''Count Dracula''': Impudent child. You can't make a fool out of me.
:''[Yakko dresses up Count Dracula in a fool outfit]''
:'''Yakko''':  Well, you can't blame a guy for trying.
:'''Count Dracula''': Puny mortals. Now witness the power of the undead. ''[He turns into a big bat as &quot;[[w:Night on Bald Mountain|Night on Bald Mountain]]&quot; by  [[w:Modest Mussorgsky|Modest Mussorgsky]] plays in the background]''
:'''Yakko''': Neat trick.
:'''Wakko''': ''[flying like a bat]'' Hey, look at me. I'm a bat too.
:'''Count Dracula''': You are not a bat.
:'''Wakko''': Oh, you're right. But this is. ''[He whacks Count Dracula with a baseball bat with a face and wings on it, sending him falling to the floor in a Batman logo-shaped hole. Count Dracula climbs up out of the Batman logo-shaped hole, seeing bats]''
:'''Count Dracula''': Oh, I'm not well.
:'''Yakko''': Good farmer, mayest we see-eth our rooms now?
:'''Count Dracula''': Why, certainly. Walketh this way. ''[He walks clumsily. The Warner Siblings imitate him]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;:'''Count Dracula''': You boys will be sleeping in the, uh, [[w:Mary Poppins|Mary Poppins]] suite. It's very cozy. ''[A monster growls inside]''
:'''Yakko''': Sounds like [[w:Howard Stern|Howard Stern]].
:'''Count Dracula''': ''[patting Yakko's head]'' Uh, yes, the plumbing is old. Now, nighty-night. ''[He opens the door and forces Yakko and Wakko in. He comes out, locking the door]'' Whew. ''[He turns to reveal Yakko and Wakko on velcro on his back]''
:'''Yakko''': Velcro.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Count Dracula is about to bite Dot's neck]''
:'''Yakko''': Hey, whatcha doing, mister? You gonna suck her blood? Empty her tank? Turn her into one of your legion of zombie vampires who only live to do your evil bidding? Or are you gonna make out and play kissy face and hope your dad doesn't butt in and ground you? Huh? How about it, mister?
:''[Count Dracula tries again, but Dot wakes up and punches him in the jaw, then brushes his teeth. Count Dracula tries again, but Yakko, dressed as a doctor, takes his teeth out]''
:'''Dot''': ''[wearing Count Dracula's teeth]'' Yoo-hoo! What do you think? Do they make me look like [[w:Sheena Easton|Sheena Easton]]?
:''[Count Dracula puts teeth back on]''
:'''Count Dracula''': Foolish little whelp. Now, you will learn the meaning of eternal slumber.
:'''Dot''': Slumber? As in slumber party? Let's! ''[The Warner Siblings dress Count Dracula up into pink clothing. He gasps]'' Know any dreamy guys?
:'''Yakko''': Tell us.
:'''Wakko''': Oh, please, please.
:'''Dot''': Let's play with makeup.
:''[Wakko dusts Count Dracula's face, Yakko puts on eyelid coloring and eyebrows,and Dot puts on makeup, and a bowtie. Wakko shows Count Dracula a mirror]''
:'''Count Dracula''': ''[screams]'' Get away from me, you little monsters.
:'''Dot''': Wait! We were just about to order pizza and tell ghost stories.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Count Dracula''': ''[opening his coffin]'' Peace, at last. ''[He screams]''
:'''Yakko''': ''[coughing]'' Hast thou any coffin drops? ''[Count Dracula groans, grunts, throws The Warner Siblings away, then goes into his coffin. Yakko tries opening the lid]'' Hey, he's locked in.
:'''Dot''': Oh, no. He'll suffocate.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Count Dracula''': ''[sighs]''
:''[Wakko gets a chainsaw and cuts the coffin in half]''
:'''Yakko''': Hangeth on, kind farmer. We shall saveth thee.
:''[Wakko opens the halves to reveal Count Dracula cut in half]''
:'''Wakko''': Oops. ''[He giggles, then puts the two halves together again. Count Dracula roars, growling, cornering The Warner Siblings]''
:'''Count Dracula''': Your lives here have ended.
:'''Yakko''': True, mister Amish man, for we must check out. 'Tis morning!
:'''Count Dracula''': ''[whimpers]'' And me without my sun block.
:''[Count Dracula goes back into his coffin. Yakko plays &quot;[[w:Reveille|Reveille]]&quot; on a trumpet]''
:'''Dot''': Wakey wakey! Rise and shine. ''[She puts an alarm clock in Count Dracula's head]'' We'd like waffles and a big cheese wheel for breakfast.
:''[Wakko crows like a rooster. Count Dracula roars and debris flies. The Warner Siblings flee as the mansion collapses]''
:'''Yakko''': Boy. Who knew the Amish could have such explosive tempers?
:'''Dot''': You know, Yakko, maybe this isn't Pencil-vania after all.
:''[Wakko eats a rock]''
:'''Yakko''': You're right, Dot. We never should have taken that left turn at [[w:Kennebunkport|Kennebunkport]]. Come on! 
:''[The Warner Siblings tunnel underground]]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Warner Siblings tunnel underground. They pop up in [[w:Tasmania|Tasmania]] ]''
:'''Yakko''': Uhh. Pencil-vania, at last. Homeland of our ancestors.
:'''Taz''': ''[doing his trademark tornado entrance, jabbering, then blows raspberry. He screams, then tornadoes away as the &quot;[[w:Taz-mania|Taz-mania]] theme&quot; plays in the background]''
:'''Dot''': This is Tasmania, not Pencil-vania.
:''[Wakko eats the map]''
:'''Yakko''': Let's face it. We need a new map.

===O Silly Mio/Puttin' on the Blitz/The Great Wakkorotti: The Summer Concert [1.31]===
:'''Rita''': ''[about Katrina]'' Poor kid's living in a dream world.
:'''Runt''': Yeah, dream world. So sad.
:'''Rita''': She really believes her dad's waiting.
:'''Runt''': Very sad.
:'''Rita''': That human's long gone.
:'''Runt''': Sad.

===Chairman of the Bored/Planets Song/Astro-Buttons [1.32]===
:'''Dot''': ''[after Pip suddenly leaves]'' It's too quiet!
:'''Yakko''': ''[chasing after him]'' Pip! Come back! Tell us another story!
:'''Dot''': Tell us more about bologna!
:'''Wakko''': Have you ever met Don Knotts?

===Cartoons in Wakko's Body/Noah's Lark/The Big Kiss/Hiccup [1.33]===
:'''Noah''': ''[checking animals on the ark]'' Bunnies... where are the bunnies?
:'''Buster Bunny''': Hi, I'm Buster Bunny.
:'''Babs Bunny''': And I'm Babs Bunny.
:'''Buster Bunny and Babs Bunny''': No relation.
:'''Noah''': I should hope not, this is a children's show.

===Clown and Out/Bubba Bo Bob Brain [1.34]===
:'''Thaddeus Plotz''': A clown is my friend.
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': A clown vill not bite me und throw me in the basement.
:'''Thaddeus Plotz''': A clown will not bite me and throw me in the basement.
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': A clown is not a big shpider.
:'''Thaddeus Plotz''': A clown is not a big spider.
===Very Special Opening/In the Garden of Mindy/No Place Like Homeless/Katie Ka-Boo/Baghdad Cafe[1.35]===
:'''Yakko and Wakko''': Hi. We're the Warner Brothers.
:'''Dot''': And the Warner Sister.
:'''Yakko''': And we'd like to invite you and all the members of your household-
:'''Dot''': to gather around the TV set and join us now-
:'''Yakko''': for a very special episode of Animaniacs.
:'''Dot''': And what's so special about it?
:'''Wakko''':: I'M NOT WEARING ANY PANTS! ''[He covers his other parts of the body with his sweater]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
''[outside the Warner Bros. studio. Camera closes in on a building labeled
&quot;ANIMANIACS TEST KITCHEN&quot; Explosion goes off inside. We look inside the building and we see the Warner siblings in the kitchen]''
:'''Yakko''': Welcome to the Animaniacs Test Kitchen. We're cooking up something really
different for today's show. All we need are our ingredients.
''A dash of Pinky and the Brain,''
''A cup of Slappy Squirrel,''
''A tablespoon of Goodfeathers,
''Add Rita, Runt, then swirl.''
''We add a pinch of Hippoes,''
''Buttons and Mindy too.''
''Now top it off with Skippy Squirrel,''
''What's that make?''
:'''Warners''': Animaniacs Stew!
:'''Wakko''': What did we come up with?
:'''Yakko''': Just watch.
''[The camera zooms into the pot]''

===Critical Condition/The Three Muska-Warners [1.36]===
:''[Slappy's cartoons have just received terrible reviews from Lean Hisskill and Codger Eggbert]''
:'''Skippy''': Those mean men! How could they say such horrible things?!
:'''Slappy''': Now Skippy, it's a free country. Everyone's entitled to his own opinion.
:'''Skippy''': But they're wrong! You're the funniest cartoon character ever!
:'''Slappy''': Calm down, Skippy.
:'''Skippy''': We can't let 'em get away with it, Aunt Slappy! ''[runs to a closet and comes out with bandoleers of bullets and a pair of small missiles]'' Let's get em!
:'''Slappy''': Skippy, no! What are you thinkin'?
:'''Skippy''': ''[looks sorry]'' Oh. You're right, Aunt Slappy... ''[goes back into the closet, and pulls out an even bigger pair of missiles]'' We'll need the big bombs!
:'''Slappy''': That's better, kid! C'mon, let's blow 'em to Kingdom Come!

===Spellbound [1.38]===
:'''Merlin''': Sonny Tufts, Sonny Bono, Lorna Luft, Yoko Ono, Paula Abdul, Chip and Dale, Hillary Clinton, Quinton McHale, I win, you win, Edwin Newman, Lee of Kathie, Regis Philbin! ''[after the explosion and smoke clears]'' Lo! I've created a nice pie.

===Of Nice and Men/What a Dump/Survey Ladies [1.43]===
:'''Survey Ladies''': Would you like to take a survey?
:'''Yakko''': No. Would you like to take a hike?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Wakko''': That was kind of fun!
:'''Yakko''': Yeah, like waiting in line at the DMV!

===Windsor Hassle/...And Justice for Slappy [1.45]===
:'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Put some elbow into it! We must have this room ready for the banquet tonight! Chop-chop!
:'''Prince Edward''': Really Mummy, why do we have to redecorate the banquet room?
:'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Because we used up the rest of the budget on the rest of the castle. Now back to work!
:'''Princess Anne''': I'll never be queen!
:'''Prince Andrew''': ''[holding his paintbrush backwards]'' My paintbrush doesn't work!
:'''Princess Sarah''': Twit.
:'''Queen Mum''': I don't want to do this poop anymore! I want some tea!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Now, we would like you to begin work immediately.
:'''Wakko''': ...Who's like us to begin?
:'''Queen Elizabeth II''': We would. Us. Ourselves.
:'''Wakko''': ''[jumping up on Queen Elizabeth and looks down her throat]'' How many people you got in there? Hello? HELLO?
:'''Queen Elizabeth II''': Get away from us!
:'''Yakko''': She needs therapy. ''[plants the queen on a therapy couch];'' Alright Sybil, whom I'm speaking to now?
:'''Queen Elizabeth II''': We insist that you stop this! You people are crazy!
:'''Yakko''': Look who's talking.

===Turkey Jerky/Wild Blue Yonder [1.46]===
:'''Miles Standish''': ''[to the Warners]'' Be gone pests and give me the bird!
:''[referring to their turkey]''
:'''Yakko''': We'd love to really, but the Fox censors won't allow it!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yakko''': ''[pretending to be a psychologist]'' So tell me about your hamster, Petey was it?
:'''Miles Standish''': Oh Petey, how I didist love that hamster so, I tooketh him to bed with me every night you know!

===Mobster Mash/Like Titicaca/Icebreakers [1.48]===
:'''Don Pepperoni''': ''[to Mobster henchmen]'' Show these kids the door!
:'''Yakko''': That's OK, we can see it from here. ''[Mobster henchmen pick the Warners up and carry them bodily to the door]'' Ooh, nice door.
:'''Wakko''': Faboo!
:'''Dot''': Great hinges.
:''[camera changes to outside the restaurant as the Warners are thrown flying out the door]''
:'''Yakko''': ''[to his siblings]'' Was it something we said?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yakko''': So what'll it be Daddoo? The calamari or the squid?
:'''Don Pepperoni''': The calamari ''is' squid.
:'''Yakko''': Well, how 'bout the pasta or the noodles.
:'''Don Pepperoni''': The pasta ''is'' noodles.
:'''Yakko''': Well, would you like red sauce or marinara?
:'''Don Pepperoni''': Marinara ''is'' red sauce!
:'''Yakko''': Zucchini or squash? Ham or prosciutto? Drink or beverage?
:'''Don Pepperoni''': ''[yelling]'' ''They're all the same!''
:'''Yakko''': ''[to Dot]'' Do you realize this eliminates more than half of our menu?

==='Twas the Day Before Christmas/Jingle Boo/The Great Wakkorotti: The Holiday Concert/Toy Shop Terror/Yakko's Universe [1.49]===
:'''Yakko''': So 'twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
:'''Dot''': Some creatures was stirring
:'''Wakko''': Including a mouse!
:''[points at Pinky and Brain]''
:'''Brain''': Tonight my dear Pinky our plan is unfurled, we'll steal Santa's sleigh and take over the world!
:'''Pinky''': Brain you're a genius, you simply astound me ''[accidentally hits Brain with a sack he's carrying knocking him off the tower]'' Narf Brain's gonna pound me!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dot''': The stockings were hung so our names clearly showed...
:'''Wakko''': In hopes that old Santa would leave a wide load,
:'''Yakko''': Mwah! Goodnight, everybody!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dot''': ''[after Ralph who's dressed as Santa Claus crashes through their ceiling]'' He was dressed all in furs with a glaze in his eyes, 'cuz the fall knocked him silly
:'''Ralph''': ''[dazed]'' Duh, happy Easter you guys!
:'''Wakko''': His face how it twinkled, his dimples how merry
:'''Dot ''': His cheeks were like roses
:'''Yakko''': ''[pointing at Ralph's belly sticking out his shirt]'' His gut that was scary!

===A Christmas Plotz/Little Drummer Warners [1.50]===
:'''Yakko''': ''[to the chorus girls]'' Hello nurses, say why don't you stop by the water tower and I'll show you my stamp collection.
:'''Chorus Girl''': ''[giggling]'' But Yakko you don't have a stamp collection.
:'''Yakko''': ''[puts his finger under her chin]'' Alright then you can open my mail.

===Branimaniacs/The Warners and The Beanstalk/Frontier Slappy [1.51]===
:''[Cartoon opens up outside Slappy's tree. Truck in. Fade to inside. Skippy walks down stairs]''
:'''Slappy''': Mornin', Skippy.
:'''Skippy''': Hi, Aunt Slappy. What's for breakfast?
:'''Slappy''': A brand new cereal from Smellogs, Branimaniacs. ''[She shows him the cereal]''
:'''Skippy''': Wow, we're on the box!
:'''Slappy''': That's right, kiddo.
:'''Skippy''': Do we get paid for that?
:'''Slappy''': You don't... but just look at what's inside! ''[Pouring the cereal into the bowl, in slow motion]'' Branimaniacs is chock-filled with tasty bran, crunchy fiber, natural roughage and...tiny sugar cubes shaped like my head. ''[She sets it onto the table, with a carton of milk, a plate of bacon, eggs, and half of a lemon]'' It's an important part of this balanced breakfast. So dig in, Skippy. ''[She pours milk on both of their Branimaniacs]''
:'''Skippy''': You bet! ''[He eats the cereal]''
:'''Slappy''': And remember to start your day with Branimaniacs for that get up and go feeling.
:''[Both eat the cereal, gulp, and, suddenly, their stomachs rumble. Then they shake, and shake again as their eyes merge]''
:'''Skippy''': I gotta get up and go.
:'''Slappy''': I'll race ya.
:''[They both run in opposite directions. Cut to Warners dancing next to giant cereal box]''
:'''The Warner Siblings''': ''[singing]'' Eat Branimaniacs. Nutritionally, it lacks, but this cereal attacks all of your digestive tracts. It's Branimani-
:'''Slappy''': ''[speaking, looking sick]'' My stomach's in pain-y
:'''The Warner Siblings''': ''[singing]'' Branimaniacs!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': ''[in a [[w:Sterling Holloway|Sterling Holloway]]-esque voice]'' Once upon a time, in a land far, far away. ''[camera pans right to a village]'' No, much farther than that. ''[camera pans right to another village]'' No, further still. ''[camera pans right, then comes to a screeching halt to pan left back to another village]'' Uhh, here we are. Anyway. In this land far, far, far, far away, there was a village of poor, but happy people. ''[A man drives his ox-pulled wagon down path]'' The villagers were poor, because they were terrorized by a giant, who lived in the clouds.
:''[Ralph the Giant steps on road, man screams, and runs away. Ox runs away]''
:'''Ralph the Giant''': Duh, vroom, vroom! Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh! Vroom! He he he he he heh! ''[He puts wagon in pocket, takes moose out of forest]'' All the dinky treasures of the world are mine! ''[He laughs, takes tree, uses it to dust house, and takes house from ground. People run away, screaming]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': ''[in a Sterling Holloway-esque voice]'' Also in this village, lived the three Warners. The Warners were so poor, they had to sell their only possession. A dried up old cow.
:''[Cow turns to The Narrator, grunting]''
:'''Yakko''': There's the used cow salesman now. Let me do the talking. ''[Dismouning cow]'' Excuse me, but would you be interested in buying our cow? Steers like a dream.
:'''Salesman''': Well, uhh... I don't know.
:'''Yakko''': How 'bout buying Wakko? ''[He holds Wakko up]''
:'''Wakko''': Why me? ''[He shows sparkly eyes]''
:'''Yakko''': 'Cause Dot gets more letters.
:''[Dot writes signatures, puts them into letters, then sees Wakko angry at her]''
:'''Dot''': I can't help it if I'm c-ute!
:'''Salesman''': Okay, tell ya what. I'll give ya a bean for that cow.
:'''Yakko''': ''[getting in The Salesman's face]'' Bean? A bean? You should be ashamed of yourself. Why, she's worth at least, uhh... three beans.
:'''Salesman''': Deal. ''[He and Yakko shake hands, and holds out 3 beans. The Cow eats the three beans]''
:'''Dot''': There goes our 3 bean salad.
:''[Cow struggles, spits beans into hole. Beanstalk immediately starts grow as The Cow and The Salesman scatter]''
:'''Yakko''': ''[to the viewer]'' Beans'll do that to ya. ''[The Warner Siblings scream, and get pushed into the clouds. They get zipped into a bean pod. Yakko unzips, and Wakko spits]'' Huh. That's the last time I ever travel by bean.
:'''Dot''': ''[poking Yakko's arm]'' Look! ''[She points to the castle]''
:''[The Warner Siblings walk to the castle]''
:'''Narrator''': ''[in a Sterling Holloway-esque voice]'' And sure enough, The Warners had arrived at the giant castle.
:''[The Warner Siblings go to door]''
:'''Yakko''': Looks like [[w:Aaron Spelling|Aaron Spelling]]'s house.
:'''Harp''': ''[singing offscreen]'' Free me, free me, Won't you rescue me? The giant sleeps before he wakes. Come in and rescue me.
:'''Yakko''': Are you pretty?
:'''Harp''': ''[offscreen]'' Yes!
:''[Yakko and Wakko look to each other excitedly]''
:'''Yakko''': We'll be right there.
:''[Wakko drags grappling hook out of bag]''
:'''Dot''': Is there a handsome man in there too?
:'''Harp''': ''[offscreen]'' No.
:'''Dot''': I'll wait out here.
:''[Wakko throws a grappling hook onto the inside. Yakko and Wakko pull the rope down, making the door fall down. Dot reads a magazine before getting dragged inside by Yakko and Wakko]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[The Warner Siblings are inside the castle]''
:'''Dot''': This must be [[w:Tori Spelling|Tori]]'s dressing room.
:'''Harp''': Hello. Please save me.
:'''Yakko''': ''[in unison with Wakko]'' Hello, Harp! ''[solo]'' She's a dream! ''[He floats up with cartoon hearts popping like bubbles]''
:'''Wakko''': She's a pretend. ''[He floats up with cartoon hearts popping like bubbles]''
:'''Dot''': She's a woman with a harp stuck to her back! Boys. ''[She sternly walks up leg of table]''
:''[Wakko plays harp]''
:'''Harp''': O-hohohoho, oh, uh, that tickles! ''[gripping Yakko's chin]'' If you rescue me, you'll be greatly rewarded. I'll give you 4 beans, and a goose.
:'''Yakko''': ''[stern]'' How lucky can we get ?
:'''Harp''': ''[gripping Yakko's chin]'' Ooh, but this goose is very special. It lays golden eggs.
:'''Yakko''': A little fibre in its diet, and it won't do that anymore.
:''[Wakko picks up goose, looks under, puts it down again, confused. He shakes goose]''
:'''Wakko''': It's broken. ''[goose gasps, then poops out a golden egg]'' I fixed it!
:''[Camera trucks-in to Ralph the Giant's bedroom. Ralph the Giant wakes up, yawnning]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Harp''': Please, we must leave before the giant wakes. Lower me safely to the floor.
:''[The Warner Siblings push The Harp off the table. The Harp screams as she falls. landing on the floor offscreen]''
:'''Warner Siblings''': Oops.
:''[The Harp is irritated. She gasps, seeing Ralph the Giant behind The Warner Siblings]''
:'''Ralph the Giant''': A-ha! I got teeny-weenies in my house! ''[He puts face at level of The Warner Siblings]''
:''[The Warner Siblings panic and shout. Dot points hand, Yakko babbles and bounces, and Wakko spins, then revert]''
:'''Warner Siblings''': ''[calm, enthusiastic]'' Hi!
:''[Ralph the Giant picks up The Warner Siblings and the goose and sniffs them]''
:'''Ralph the Giant''': Pea-pie-poo-kerplot, I smells Yakko, Wakko, and Dot!
:'''Yakko''': Don't you mean, &quot;[[w:Jack and The Beanstalk|Fee-fi-fo-fum]]&quot;?
:'''Ralph the Giant''': Yeah, but it don't rhymes with &quot;Dot&quot;.
:'''Dot''': You know, you really should pluck those unsightly nose hairs. ''[she pulls a nosehair out]''
:'''Ralph the Giant''': Oow! Uh, dat smarted me!
:'''Yakko''': I doubt it.
:'''Ralph the Giant''': Now, I's gonna eat you teeny-weenies (puts on apron).
:'''Yakko''': Eat us?
:'''Dot''': You don't wanna eat us?
:'''Wakko''': We taste awful
:'''Warner Siblings''': Bleugh!
:'''Yakko''': Hmm... ''[clicking is heard as a light bulb appears. He, Wakko, and Dot huddle and whisper among themselves]'' We know what you want.
:'''Ralph the Giant''': You does?
:'''Warner Siblings''': Uh-huh.
:''[Wakko makes the goose poop out a golden egg. Yakko cracks it, and pours the yolk and egg white into the pan with heater, then shakes it. Dot gets canned meat out of a tin container, and drops it onto tiny plate while Yakko gets eggs on the plate]''
:'''Yakko''': ''[rhyming à la [[Dr. Suess]]]'' I'm sure you'll love this, have a seat. Here's your meal, [[w:Green Eggs and Ham|gold eggs and meat]].
:'''Ralph the Giant''': I does not like gold eggs and meat. It's you who I would like to eat. ''[He puts a lid over them and takes the plate to the cupboard. He opens the cupboard, only to find The Warner Siblings in it. Yakko is holding a plate of ice cream]''
:'''Yakko''': Would you like them ''À La Mode''?
:'''Wakko''': ''[lifting his hat to reveal a toad]'' Would you like them with a toad?
:''[Toad croaks]''
:'''Ralph the Giant''': I would not like them ''À La Mode''. I would not like them with a toad. I does not like gold eggs and meat. It's you who I would like to eat.
:''[Wakko puts his hat back on and pulls down the next scene. Ralph the Giant is on top of a mountain during a rainstorm. Lightning strikes twice]''
:'''Wakko''': ''[holding out a cod]'' Would you like them with a cod?
:'''Yakko''': ''[giving Ralph the Giant a metal rod]'' Holding up a metal rod?
:'''Ralph the Giant''': ''[holding the metal rod]'' I would not like them with a cod, holding up a metal rod. ''[The Warner Siblings jump off him. Lightning strikes the metal rod and Ralph the Giant, exposing his skeleton. He falls off the mountain, landing on the forest]'' I does not like gold eggs and meat. It's you who I would like to eat.
:''[Ralph the Giant is on [[w:San Abdreas Fault|The San Andreas Fault]]. An arm holding a &quot;San Andreas Fault&quot; sign sticks out then draws back in. The Warner Siblings are standing inside a door]''
:'''Dot''': ''[sprinkling salt on the gold eggs and meat]'' How about with a dash of salt?
:'''Yakko''': On The San Adreas Fault?
:''[An earthquake shakes, splitting The San Andreas Fault. Ralph the Giant falls into The San Andreas Fault]''
:'''Ralph the Giant''': No, not with a dash of salt, on The San Andreas Fault. ''[The earthquake reunites The San Andreas Fault, trapping him]'' I does not like gold eggs and meat. It's you who I would like to eat.
:''[Ralph the Giant is in [[w:Godzilla (1954 film)|Tokyo, Japan. The people are panickedly fleeing from him]]. The Warner Siblings arrive in a rikshaw, with Wakko pulling the rikshaw]''
:'''Wakko''': Would you, could you in Japan?
:'''Yakko''': With [[w:Godzilla|Godzilla]] and [[w:Rodan|Rodan]]?
:''[Godzilla (actually The Dragon from &quot;Sir Yaksalot&quot;) and Rodan arrive and on each side of Ralph the Giant]''
:'''Ralph the Giant''': I would not, could not in Japan, ''[pushing Godzilla and Rodan away]'' with Godzilla and Rodan. ''[Godzilla breathes fire on him, roasting him black. Rodan flaps his wings, blowing him away to an island]'' I will not like gold eggs and meat. It's-
:'''Warner Siblings''': ''[in unison]'' Us that you would like to eat.
:''[Dot pulls the film reel to the next scene. They are on top of the cloud outside the castle]''
:'''Yakko''': Eat them, eat them on a cloud.
:'''Ralph the Giant''': Oh, all right, for crying out loud! ''[He takes the plate and swallows the meal]'' Mmmmm! Gold eggs and meat I do not hate.
:'''Yakko''': But now those clouds won't hold your weight.
:''[Ralph the Giant starts to sink through the cloud]''
:'''Ralph the Giant''': Gee, I never thought about that. ''[He falls through the cloud, crashing into the ground bellow, taking some of the land down with him]'' Fee-fi-fo-fum, I fall down and hurt my bum.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Narrator''': ''[in a Sterling Holloway-esque voice]'' And, so, with the giant gone, the poor village became a wealthy suburb. ''[The same man with jewelry rides past The Used Cow Lot, waving mutually. The Harp and The Warner Siblings are on stage with The Mayor]'' And the heroic Warners were richly rewarded for saving the village.
:'''Mayor''': As Mayor of The Village of The Happy and Rich, I am proud to present the three Warners with... ''[reaches in pocket as The Warner Siblings look in anticipation]'' Five beans, and [[w:Merv Griffin|Merv Griffin]]'s autograph.
:''[The villagers applaud offscreen as Yakko is given items]''
:'''Yakko''': ''[annoyed]'' Doesn't anyone ever get cash in fairytales?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[A harmonica version of &quot;[[w:Home on the Range|Home on the Range]]&quot; plays in the background. A butterfly flies to a trail. &quot;Kentucky wilderness 1767&quot; appears on the screen, then disappears. A blue rabbit and a purple rabbit hop into view, sniffing eachother, and the ground. Suddenly, a tree is falling. They hop away. Suddenly, the song changes to upbeat music. A swarm of bees flies for their lives. One bee stops to look left and right and flies to the swarm as [[w:Daniel Boone|Daniel Boone]] drives his oxen-driven wagon, pushing down a tree]''
:'''[[w:Dover Boys|Dover Boys]]''':''[singing offscreen]'' Daniel Boone was a great big guy. Yes, a really big guy. He knocks down trees and frightens off bees so they'll cry.
:''[A swarm of bees flies up as Daniel Boone knocks down a couple of trees, using his wagon. A bee flies into the camera, with the inside of his mouth filling the screen. Wipe to Daniel Boone, hopping off his wagon]''
:'''Boone''': Kentucky at last! I'm gonna build me a little log cabin right here, then a log cabin for my oxen, then a summer cabin. The only thing I love more than building cabins is chopping down trees. ''[He chops down a tree]'' Birch is good wood for clothespins. ''[And another...]'' This oak'll make a dandy shelf.
:''[And several more... Wipe to Daniel Boone and his wagon outside Slappy Squirrel's tree]'' Well, I'll be kissed by a wolverine, a bessemer elm! That's the best wood around for makin' a front door.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dover Boys''':''[singing offscreen]'' Daniel Boone saw a great big tree. An attractive tree. But he didn't know it was home to a squirrel named Slappy.
:''[Inside, Slappy and her nephew, Skippy, are making candles over a cauldron of hot wax]''
:'''Skippy''': How come we're making so many candles, Aunt Slappy?
:'''Slappy''': Skippy, it's the 1700s. What'd you expect? Rollerblading?
:''[Suddenly, the tree begins to shake]''
:'''Skippy''': What's that?
:'''Slappy''': Maybe my colon. I hope not. I'll go find out. ''[Slappy goes outside to find Boone chopping down her tree]'' Hey! You break this tree, you're gonna pay for it!
:'''Boone''': Looky here, you old squirrel. I'm Daniel Boone, the best frontiersman that ever lived!
:'''Slappy''': Well, I'm Slappy Squirrel, and I'm so old my blood is solid. What are you doing to my tree?
:'''Boone''': I'm fixin' to make it into the front door of my new cabin. Now, git, or I'll make a cap out of ya!
:'''Slappy''': ''[slamming the door]'' I got yer cap right here.
:'''Boone''': No old squirrel's gonna stand between me and my cabin!
:''[As Boone keeps chopping, Slappy peeks out of an upper window, holding a cauldron of hot wax]''
:'''Slappy''': Excuse me, Boone? Is there any chance you might find another tree?
:'''Boone''': NO!
:'''Slappy''': I was hoping you'd say that. ''[Pours hot wax on top of Boone, freezing him mid-swing]'' Maybe he can rent himself out as a menorah. ''[laughs]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Boone ties a rope around Slappy's tree and then ties it to his oxen]''
:'''Dover Boys''': ''[singing offscreen]'' Daniel Boone had a great big plan. Yes, a very large plan. He'd fix that squirrel by yanking her treehouse from the land.
:'''Boone''': Pull, you lazy, good-for-nothing critters! ''[He slaps his oxen on the back and they start pulling at the tree]'' Reckon this'll teach that old squirrel that ''I'm'' the king of the wilderness. ''[Suddenly, the rope goes limp]'' Huh? ''[He turns around and sees Slappy and the oxen holding picket signs]''
:'''Slappy''': What do you say? We won't dray! What we want is an eight-hour day!
:'''Boone''': ''[angry, turning red]'' What in blazes are you doin'?!
:'''Slappy''': Call me [[w:Norma Rae|Norma Rae]], or [[w:Barbara Rae|Barbara Rae]], but I unionised your team.
:'''Boone''': Get back to work, you dumb slabs of hide!
:''[The oxen glare down at Boone, who smiles sheepishly, before pounding him into the ground with their picket signs]''
:'''Ox''': Management.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Boone sneaks up to Slappy's tree under cover of a bush]''
:'''Dover Boys''': ''[singing offscreen]'' Daniel Boone had another big plan. Yes, a crafty plan-
:'''Boone''': SHH! ''[laughs]'' I'm gonna give that squirrel my famous panther call. She'll think a real panther is coming and run out of that tree like a fat badger. ''[laughs]''
:''[Boone does a weak imitation of a panther roar. Inside, Slappy and Skippy are churning butter]''
:'''Skippy''': ''[sarcastically]'' Gee, Aunt Slappy, a panther.
:'''Slappy''': ''[sarcastically]'' You think so? Maybe we oughta run for our lives. ''[Boone roars again. Slappy walks out the front door and churns the butter onto the ground near the bush]'' I'm running away like a fat badger! ''[Boone peeks out of the bush and comes face to face with a real panther who roars in his face. Boone tries to run away but slips on the butter. He cries out in pain as the panther starts mauling him]'' The panther's in my bridge club.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Dover Boys''': ''[singing offscreen]'' Daniel Boone was very, very sore. Yes, painfully sore. He picked a log and charged Slappy Squirrel's front door.
:''[Boone attempts to ram Slappy's door open, but she opens the door and trips him up, sending him into a spinning wheel which launches him and the log back out]''
:'''Skippy''': Who was that, Aunt Slappy?
:'''Slappy''': Maybe a flying [[w:Karl Wallenda|Wallenda]], I'm not sure. My eyes are bad.
:'''Boone''':''[dazed after hitting a tree]'' Daniel Boone was a great big guy....

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Boone has come up with yet another idea to cut down Slappy's tree by crudely disguising himself as a woodpecker]''
:'''Dover Boys''': ''[singing offscreen]'' Daniel Boone was a big dang bird. Yes, a really big bird. But he didn't know that his disguise was pretty absurd.
:'''Boone''': Quiet, you dadgum idiots! This is a dang good disguise. ''[laughs]'' That old squirrel will think I'm just a big woodpecker. I'll chop down this tree right in front of her.
:''[While using his disguise to peck at the tree, Slappy is serving Skippy when she and the tree get shaken by Boone's pecking]''
:'''Slappy''': There's no rest for the elderly. ''[Opens door]'' Hey, are you Daniel Boone?
:'''Boone''': Shoot, no! I'm a big woodpecker.
:'''Slappy''': Get out of here with that woodpecker thing there. You're Boone.
:'''Boone''': No, I ain't. My daddy was a big woodpecker, and his daddy before him. Can't you see how I'm a-peckin' at your tree for bugs and such? ''[Looks innocent]''
:'''Slappy''': I guess you really are a big woodpecker.
:'''Boone''': Dang straight!
:'''Slappy''': Then, here, I made you some woodpecker lunch.
:''[Slappy offers Boone a plate full of live bugs, including a dungbeetle]''
:'''Boone''': ''[nervously disgusted]'' That's... right neighbourly of you, ma'am.
:''[Forced to keep up his charade, Boone eats the bugs, his face turning green as his chews]''
:'''Slappy''': Yeah, there's nothing like dead bugs mixed with manure, dirt, and rotten bark, eh, [[w:Woody Woodpecker|Woody]]?
:''[Boone finally retches, covers his mouth and runs off into the distance]''
:'''Dover Boys''': ''[singing offscreen]'' Daniel Boone was a﻿ great big guy. Yes, a big sick guy. He lost his lunch all over the trees and sky.
:'''Slappy''': That's nice singing. They remind me of [[w:Up with People|Up with People]].

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Boone is seen putting gunpowder underneath Slappy's home tree in an attempt to blow up both her and the tree]''
:'''Dover Boys''':''[singing offscreen]'' Daniel Boone was a great big jerk. Yes, a stupid jerk. He had another dumb plan that more than likely wouldn't work.
:'''Boone''':''[offended]'' That ties it! You boys are fired! COME ON DOWN FROM THERE AND GIT!
:''[A rope ladder drops down from the top of the screen. The Dover Boys - Tom, Dick, and Larry - climb down the rope ladder, revealing themselves to Boone]''
:'''Tom''': Hey, what's the big idea? You can't just fire us!
:'''Dick''': Yeah, who do you think you are?
:'''Larry''': Hey, we got rights, you know.
:'''Dick''': Wait a second!
:'''Larry''': We got a contract!
:'''Tom''': Our agent said...
:'''Dick''': Yeah, my agent said the same thing. Come on, this is ridiculous.
:'''Tom''': Yeah, what's going on here?
:'''Boone''': I said, &quot;GIT&quot;! I'm going to blow this here tree and that old squirrel sky high, and I don't need no dang smart-alec chorus!
:''[The Dover Boys leave, climbing up a wooden ladder out of the tunnel as Boone pours a trail of gunpowder leading from the barrels to just outside the hole. Then he lights a match]'' If I can't have that tree, then nobody's going to have it! ''[He lights the match and hides in his wagon. He laughs]'' Now, there's gonna be a big hole in the ground. I could make it into a root cellar, or a... root cellar.
:''[The trail burns up and there's a large explosion... under the wagon]''
:'''Slappy''': Hey, Boone! I moved all your gunpowder! It was attracting ants! 
:'''Boone''': ''[screams as he's blown into space]'' Shoot, dang. OH! ''[He comes crashing back down to Earth]''
:'''Slappy''': Yeesh. Bet that left a crater.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[At the end, Slappy and Skippy are drinking tea by the fireplace]''
:'''Skippy''': What do you want to do tonight, Aunt Slappy?
:'''Slappy''': How about a little music, Skippy? ''[to The Dover Boys]'' Hit it, boys.
:'''Dover Boys''':''[Singing]'' Slappy Squirrel was a grand old dame. Yes, a grand old dame. She whipped Daniel Boone, now she pays us to sing of her fame.
:'''Slappy''': What can I say? I love the lyrics.

===Ups and Downs/The Brave Little Trailer/Yes, Always [1.52]===
:'''Wakko''': Hey, you wanna hear a joke?
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': No! I don't like ze jokes, Wakko!
:'''Wakko''': Not even a knock-knock joke?
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': NO!
:''[Wakko and Dr. Scratchansniff sit quietly for a moment]''
:'''Wakko''': It's really funny.
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': Oh, alright, fine. One joke.
:'''Wakko''': Knock-knock!
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': Who's there?
:'''Wakko''': Max!
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': Max, who?
:'''Wakk'''o: Max wants to come in and go crazy!
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': ''[looks at the audience, confused, then back at Wakko]'' Well. Okay, now that's not really a joke, is it? You see, because it makes no sense.
:'''Wakko''': It does if you know Max.
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': But I don't KNOW Max!!
:'''Wakko''': If you did, you'd be laughin'!

===Brain Meets Brawn/Meet Minerva [1.54]===
:'''Brain''': Do it, Pinky!
:'''Pinky''': Look, the cloud looks like a big pomegranate!
:'''Brain''': Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?
:'''Pinky''': Egad, Brain. It worked!
:'''Brain''': ''[getting angry]'' Pinky!
:'''Pinky''': I think so, Brain, but if they called them Sad Meals, kids wouldn't buy them!
:'''Hyde''': Sugar?
:'''Pinky''': No Brain, you'll bop me!
:'''Brain''': Hello in there, Pinky!
:'''Pinky''': Egad, Dr. Jekkyl's turned himself into that fierce Mr. Hyde again, Brain!
:'''Brain''': Pinky, make me angry!
:'''Pinky''': Brain, I didn't mean for us to fall, I'm sorry! No, wait, Brain! Narf! I didn't apologize yet!
:'''Brain''': ''[irate]'' Pinky, you're making me angry!
:'''Pinky''': Dislodge the pallet... ''[runs up and pulls at the wrong part]''
:'''Brain''': Exactly, Pinky. As they say in rustic circles, bottoms up!
:'''Pinky''': ''[frightened]'' Ah, sorry I angered you, Brain!
:'''Brain''': NO, PINKY! The pallet!
:'''Pinky''': Sorry, Brain!
:'''Constable''': 4:00!
:'''Brain''': We stop the clock, we stop the world! YES!
:'''Constables and Mr. Hyde''': Tea time!
:'''Brain''': Now...make me mad!
:'''Pinky''': Egad, Brain, brilliant! Wait, no, no...you'd have to be a hulking muscular giant to stop that clock, Brain!
:'''British Guard''': ''[referring to Brain's beast form]'' Americans...
:'''Brain''': Yes, if only I could find a way to use that savage strength...
:'''Pinky''': Is it working, Brain? Any changes? You tingling? Itching, feeling anything? Do you, do you, do you?
:'''Brain''': ''[irate]'' Quiet, Pinky! You're angering me! Now, please...
:''[all of a sudden, The Brain is experience tingling and discomfort whilst Pinky backs away, Pinky backs up into the corner, watching Brain grow in size, gaining muscle]''
:'''Pinky''': Naaaaarrf!
:'''Brain''': Hmmm, I transformed when you angered me, and transformed back when you apologized. That's it! Anger me, Pinky!

===Of Course, You Know This Means Warners/Up a Tree/Wakko's Gizmo [1.57]===
:'''Runt''': Rita, wake up!
:'''Rita''': Are we in Chicago?
:'''Runt''': No, this is Nebraska, definitely Nebraska. Or Kansas. Definitely Ohio.
:'''Rita''': Ya blew it, Runt.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Runt''': Rita, you need help?
:'''Rita''': No no, no, I'm happy as a pig come to supper.
:'''Runt''': Okay Rita, have fun. I gotta get the fly! ''[leaves]''
:'''Rita''': Wait! I... can't... get down...

===Oh, Oh, Ethel/Meet John Brain/Smell Ya Later/Spike [1.58]===
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': Yakko, it's time to take the inkblot-test. Now, tell me... ''[shows an inkblot]'' ...what does this remind you of?
:'''Yakko''': Girls.
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': ''[shows another inkblot]'' What does ''this'' remind you of?
:'''Yakko''': Girls.
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': ''[annoyed, shows him one more inkblot]'' What does ''this'' remind you of?
:'''Yakko''': ''[analyzes the inkblot]'' Uhhhhhhhhhhhh, girls.
:'''Dr. Scratchansniff''': Grrr! You are obsessed with GIRLS!
:'''Yakko''': Hey, ''you're'' the one showing me all the sexy pictures.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Stinkbomb''': It's our sworn duty to chase 'em, catch 'em, and shake 'em like rag dolls!
:'''Bumpo''': Why?
:'''Stinkbomb''': I dunno. It's what we do.

===Ragamuffins/Woodstock Slappy [1.59]===
:'''Slappy''': ''[&quot;The Who&quot; is playing on Stage]'' Skippy, what's the name of the Band, playing on Stage?
:'''Skippy''': Who.
:'''Slappy''': The name of the Band.
:'''Skippy''': Who.
:'''Slappy''': The Band, playing on Stage.
:'''Skippy''': WHO!
:'''Slappy''': THE BAND!
:'''Skippy''': No Aunt Slappy, &quot;The Band&quot; performs later, &quot;WHO&quot; is on Stage!
:'''Slappy''': You tell me.
:'''Skippy''': Who.
:'''Slappy''': The name of the Band.
:'''Skippy''': Who.
:'''Slappy''': The Band playing on Stage.
:'''Skippy''': Who.
:'''Slappy''': THAT's WHAT I WANNA KNOW!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Slappy''': Get some sleep, you need to be well rested for tomorrow.
:'''Skippy''': Why, what're we doing tomorrow, Aunt Slappy?
:'''Slappy''': Napping all day if I have anything to say about it.

===Karaoke Dokie/The Cranial Crusader/The Chicken Who Loved Me [1.60]===
:'''Willie Slackmer''': I'm... trying... to fill... their lives... with joy.
:'''Yakko''': ''[imitating Slackmer]'' Then you... should stop singing... right now.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Brain''': Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?
:'''Pinky''': Well, I think so, Brain. But I can't memorize a whole opera in Yiddish.
:'''Brain''': Pinky, you are a threat to tolerance.

===Baloney &amp; Kids/Super Buttons/Katie Ka-Boom: The Driving Lesson [1.61]===
:'''Baloney''': ''[holding a paper plate, with a face drawn on it in front of his own face]'' Guess who. ''[laughs]''
:'''Wakko''': Is it Abraham Lincoln?
:'''Baloney''': ''[laughs]'' No.
:'''Dot''': Hmm... could it be Nancy Kerrigan?
:'''Baloney''': ''[laughs]'' No.
:'''Yakko''': Is it a big, fat polyester dinosaur, who's the color of an international house of pancakes, with a paper plate over his face?
:'''Baloney''': No. It's me, Baloney!
:'''The Warners''': You're kidding!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Yakko''': ''[after Baloney is hit by an anvil]'' Who's dropping those anvils anyway?
:''[the camera pans upward to reveal both Princesses of Props and the Prince of Props]''
:'''Princess of Props #1''': Take us with you!
:'''Princess of Props #2''': Don't leave us, please!
:'''Prince of Props''': Free us from the lumpy thing!
:'''All''': Take us with you! ''[they leap down into The Warner's arms respectively]''
:'''Yakko''': Neat-o, complete-o, yippee.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Katie's Mom''': Listen to your father Katie, he's got years of experience.
:'''Katie''': I KNOW how to drive Mom!

===Scare Happy Slappy/Witch One/Macbeth [1.62]===
:'''Slappy''': Ooh, candy corn!
:'''Skippy''': Speew!
:'''Slappy''': Hey it could be worse, it could be like the corns on my feet.
:'''Skippy''': Speew and a half!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Runt''': Those were nice pilgrims we stayed with, definitely nice.
:'''Rita''': Yeah, well we'd still be there if you hadn't chased away their turkeys.
:'''Runt''': I forgot. Definitely forgot why I did that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''The Judge''': Good morning, witch!
:'''Witch Hazel''': Uh, me?
:'''The Judge''': No, you old wombat, the shopkeeper.
:''[Witch Hazel walks away whistling]''
:'''Shopkeeper''': But Judge, you know me! I'm no witch!
:'''The Judge''': I know you're holding a broomstick! And only witches have broomsticks! Luke! Taylor! Arrest him!

===Lookit the Fuzzy Heads/No Face Like Home [1.64]===
:'''Dr. Roma''': Alright, Miss Squirrel, just relax and watch the monitor, I'm going to show you scenes from Alan Alda movies, you'll be out in no time.
:'''Slappy''': Couldn't you just hit me on the head with a hammer?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Skippy''': So you're skipping your plastic surgery, Aunt Slappy?
:'''Slappy''': Eh, I'll keep my wrinkles. I earned every one of em.
:'''Skippy''': But what about your comeback?
:'''Slappy''': Forget it. If I have to change my appearance, it's not worth doin'. Skippy, I've learned that looks aren't everything. It's the beauty in your heart that's really important.
:'''Skippy''': Gee, aunt slappy, you sound like an afterschool special.
:'''Slappy''': You're right, I take it all back.

===The Warners' 65th Anniversary Special [1.65]===
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Yakko''': These people will clap at anything.
:'''Wakko''': ''[looks up hopefully]'' Hey everybody! Wanna hear me play 'Yankee Doodle' on my armpit?
:''[dead silence]''
:'''Yakko''': Ah, almost anything.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''[[w:Bugs Bunny|Bugs Bunny]]''': Plotz was furious about that cartoon. The moment he saw it, he cancelled their contract. Their agent was livid. You could hear them arguing all over the studio.
:''[Cut to outside The Warner Bros. Studio Administrations Office, circa 1934]''
:'''Thaddeus Plotz''': ''[offscreen]'' That's it! The Warners are through! ''[As the camera trucks in on The Warner Bros. Studio Administrations Office, Chicken Boo, disguised as Irving &quot;Swifty&quot; LaBoo, is clucking angrily. Cut to Thaddeus Plotz's office. Chicken Boo is clucking angrily]'' Don't you take that tone with me, LaBoo! ''[Angrily standing on his desk]'' The Warners are finished! They'll never make another cartoon in this studio as long as I live! What do you think about that?
:''[Chicken Boo angrily pecks Thaddeus Plotz on the head. Thaddeus Plotz screams angrily. He angrily kicks Chicken Boo out of The Warner Bros. Studio Administrations Office, angrily slamming the doors. Chicken Boo angrily gets up, clucking angrily and walking off angrily as the &quot;Chicken Boo Theme&quot; plays in the background]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[ [[w:John Wayne|John Wayne]] is shooting a movie]''
:'''John Wayne''': You can still surrender, pilgrim.
:'''[[w:Lee Marvin|Lee Marvin]]''': Nope. Draw, Sheriff.
:'''John Wayne''': Alright, but I warn ya. ''[He reaches for his gun, but instead of his gun, he pulls out Dot by mistake]''
:'''Dot''': Bang!
:'''John Wayne''': Huh?
:'''Dot''': ''[plants a huge kiss on Wayne's lips]'' Say you'll never leave me! Say we'll always be together!
:''[John Wayne screams]''


[[Category:Animaniacs seasons]]
[[Category:Children's television seasons]]</text>
      <sha1>mxvr99j9egcmmhcs0k0ztnhd88yxzch</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>PAW Patrol (season 1)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>242171</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153779</id>
      <parentid>3152863</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-12T01:26:43Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2602:306:8312:8D10:C567:796D:1F88:DAAC</ip>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="6566" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''Seasons''': [[PAW Patrol (season 1)|1]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 2)|2]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 3)|3]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 4)|4]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 5)|5]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 6)|6]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 7)|7]] / [[PAW Patrol (season 8)|8]] / [[PAW Patrol (specials)|Specials]] / '''Movies''': [[PAW Patrol: The Movie]] / [[PAW Patrol|Main]]
----------------
==Episode 1==
===Pups Make a Splash===
:'''Rocky''': Why is everybody trying to get me wet today?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Cap'n Turbot''': I'm caught on some rocks and the tide's going out. If I can't get free, the Flounder will end up in the bottom of the bay! Is it possibly within your PAW Patrol power to help?

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Marshall:''' What's a &quot;bay?&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Cap'n Turbot''': Well, I got so excited watching a wily old walrus waddle in the waves, that I forgot to watch out for the rocks.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Cap'n Turbot''': I've been studying the sleeping and eating habits of the adult walrus. Turns out he sleeps and eats an awful lot.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Rocky''': Hey! Watch where you're flying! We're over the world's biggest bathtub, and I'm trying to stay dry!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Rocky''': ''[whimpering]'' How 'bout the belly?  How 'bout the belly?

===Pups Fall Festival===
:'''Marshall''': I love, love, love apples, Farmer Yumi.
:'''Farmer Yumi''': Don't forget our pumpkins!
:'''Marshall''': I love, love, love pumpkins, too! Especially in pies.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[When Rocky and Rubble tired on the race, Skye and Zuma race to the elevator and stop just outside it]''
:'''Skye and Zuma''': I win! ''[doubting each other's victory]'' I win!
:''[Skye backflips into the elevator]''
:'''Skye''': ''I'' win.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Ryder and the pups race into Farmer Yumi's yard]''
:'''Farmer Yumi''': Ryder and the PAW Patrol! Yes! Now we'll get at least some of the fruit picked before it snows.
:'''Ryder''': We'll get all of it picked, Farmer Yumi. No apple left behind!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Zuma''': PAW Patrol is ready to roll... some pumpkins.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''[Marshall falls into the pumpkins]''
:'''Chase''': Marshall, you okay?
:'''Marshall''': ''[weakly]'' I'm okay.
:''[Chase pulls up the pumpkin stuck on Marshall's head; making it a hat]''
:'''Chase''': You look good in orange.

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ryder''': Hmm. Chase, now I've got a job for you.
:'''Chase''': What is it, Ryder, sir?
:'''Ryder'''; We need you to direct traffic around here.
:'''Marshall''': Yeah, Chase would make a great traffic cop. 'Cause, well, he is a traffic cop.
:'''Chase''': What are we waiting for? ''[speaking through megaphone]'' PAW Patrol, let's roll!

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Farmer Yumi''': We got apples! Woo-woo!

==Episode 2==
===Pups Save the Sea Turtles===
:'''Rocky:''' &quot;And get wet? Nuh-uh. I'm more of a dry land surfer.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Ryder:''' &quot;Can you clear that, Rubble?&quot;
:'''Rubble:''' &quot;Does a belly scratcher make me flop on my back and wriggle like a worm? You know it does.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Alex:''' &quot;Go away, seagulls!&quot;

===Pups and the Very Big Baby===
:'''Skye:''' ''(yelping)'' &quot;That ladder's paw-toasting hot.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Skye:''' ''(going down the slide)'' &quot;Whee!&quot; ''(flips off the slide)'' &quot;Ta-da!&quot; ''(barks)'' &quot;That's flip-tastic!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Chase:''' &quot;Oh, no! Cap'n Turbot's stuck inside a whale!&quot;
:'''Cap'n Turbot:''' ''(laughing)'' &quot;Not in the whale, Chase. Next to it.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Cap'n Turbot:''' &quot;Uh, hello? Is it potentially possible within your PAW Patrol powers to get me down?!&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:'''Rubble:''' &quot;Two beached whales is two too many.&quot;

&lt;hr width=50%/&gt;
:''(Rubble tears up and sniffles.)''
:'''Marshall:''' &quot;What's wrong, Rubble?&quot;
:'''Rubble:''' &quot;Just, um, sand in my eye.&quot;

==Episode 3==
===Pups and the Kitty-tastrophe===

===Pups Save a Train=== 

==Episode 4==
===Pup Pup Boogie===

===Pups in a Fog===

==Episode 5==
===Pup Pup Goose===

===Pup Pup and Away===

==Episode 6==
===Pups on Ice===

===Pups and the Snow Monster=== 

==Episode 7==
===Pups Save the Circus===

===Pup a Doodle Do===

==Episode 8==
===Pups Pit Crew===

===Pups Fight Fire===

==Episode 9==
===Pups Save the Treats===

===Pups Get a Lift===

==Episode 10==
===Pups and the Ghost Pirate=== 

==Episode 11==
===Pups Save Christmas===

==Episode 12==
===Pups Get a Rubble===

===Pups Save a Walrus===

==Episode 13==
===Pups Save the Bunnies===

===Pup-Tacular===

==Episode 14==
===Pups Save the Bay===

===Pups Save a Goodway===

==Episode 15==
===Pups Save a Hoedown===

===Pups Save Alex=== 

==Episode 16==
===Pups Save a School Day===

===Pups Turn on the Lights===

==Episode 17==
===Pups Save a Pool Day===
:'''Rocky''': [after ''Ryder gives him and Chase for backup]'' Ready, Chase?
:'''Chase''': ''[still wearing Skye's bathing cap instead of his police uniform]'' Ruff! Chase is on the--
:'''Rocky''': Is that Skye's bathing cap?
:'''Chase''': Huh? ''[sees on his head; embarrassed]'' No. Be right back. ''[changes Skye's bathing cap to his police uniform]'' Chase is on the case!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Zuma''': ''[to Skye]'' Now what?
:'''Skye''': My turn. Be right back! ''[flies to Jake's Mountain with her helicopter]'' What could be ''cooler'' than snow?
:''[Skye puts some snow in the bag and bring it to the kids to play in the pool]''
:'''Zuma''': Check it out! Here comes Skye to cool us off!
:''[The kids cheering for Skye bringing the snow and she accidentally drops the snow on Zuma]''
:'''Zuma''': Uh-oh. Whoa! ''[the snow lands all over him and the place got ruined, shivering and pops out covered in snow]'' First I was a hot dog, and now I'm a Pup-sicle! ''[shivers]'' Too cold.

===Circus Pup-Formers===

==Episode 18==
===Pups Save the Easter Egg Hunt===

==Episode 19==
===Pups Save a Super Pup===

===Pups Save Ryder's Robot===

==Episode 20==
===Pups Go All Monkey===

===Pups Save a Hoot===

==Episode 21==
===Pups Save a Bat===

===Pups Save a Toof===

==Episode 22==
===Pups Save the Camping Trip===

===Pups and the Trouble with Turtles===

==Episode 23==
===Pups and the Beanstalk===
===Pups Save the Turbots===

==Episode 24==
===Pups and the Lighthouse Boogie===

===Pups Save Ryder===
:'''Skye''': ''[sees Ryder and Garbie on the mountain ledge]'' I see them!  ''[barks]''  The ledge they're on looks like it's going to crumble!  We need more help!  Fast!

==Episode 25==
===Pups Great Race===

===Pups Take the Cake===

==Episode 26==
===Pups and the Pirate Treasure===


[[Category: PAW Patrol seasons]]
[[Category: PAW Patrol]]</text>
      <sha1>ktgaym578cntvk1bibpqfptf5lbmtbk</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>T.U.F.F. Puppy</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>242978</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153623</id>
      <parentid>3133651</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T18:12:41Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>162.197.99.132</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Purr-fect Partners / Doom-mates [1.01] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="50759" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''T.U.F.F. Puppy''''' is an American action comedy television series created by Butch Hartman for [[Nickelodeon]]. The series' main character is a mixed-breed dog named [[Dudley Puppy]] who works as a spy for an organization called T.U.F.F. (short for Turbo Undercover Fighting Force). His partner is a girl cat named Kitty Katswell. Other helpers are Keswick, and The Chief.

==''Season 1''== 

===''Purr-fect Partners / Doom-mates [1.01]''===
:'''Blue Rabbit Tourist''': Who are you?
:'''Snaptrap''': Who am I? Simply the most EVIL mind in all of Petropolis!
:'''Blue Elephant Tourist''': Oh you, uh, Dr. Destruction?
:'''Snaptrap''': What? No!
:'''Violet Hippo Lady Tourist''': You're the Kangarooster. The-the bouncing bird who lays the exploding eggs!
:'''Snaptrap''': ''[sighs annoyingly]'' I'm Verminious Snaptrap! Dirty rat, and leader of the Diabolical Order of Mayhem! ''[holds up the D.O.O.M. sign]''
:'''Tourists''': ''[in unison]'' Never heard of you.
:'''Snaptrap''': Well, you will, for I will control Petropolis, now that I have the Kruger Rat! ''[knocks off glass case to steal the Kruger Rat]''
:'''Tour Guide''': Think again, Snaptrap! ''[rips off her disguise, revealing herself to be T.U.F.F. agent, Kitty Katswell]'' Hyah!
:'''Snaptrap''': Well, if it isn't Special T.U.F.F. Agent Kitty Katswell! ''[grabs a sword from a suit of rat armor]'' Ready to lose one of your, nine lives?!
:'''Kitty''': I'd rather use my ten claws!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[T.U.F.F. headquarters; the scientists are doing research tests on Dudley while running on a treadmill with monitoring equipment hooked up to him, chasing his chew toy]''
:'''Chief''': Okay, Keswick. What's up with the dog?
:'''Keswick''': His name is Dudley Puppy, Chief. He's the perfect combination of every breed of dog known to man. The fleet feet of a Greyhound, the sensitive nose of a bl-bl-bl-Bloodhound, with the bravery of a German sh-sh-sh-sh-Shepherd.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Kitty''': We're secret agents, butt-munch, not superheroes. I speak 120 dialects fluently, mastered all forms of martial arts, and my claws are registered as lethal weapons.
:'''Dudley''': Maybe you should register YOUR BREATH!

===''Cruisin' for a Bruisin' / Puppy Love [1.02]''===

===''Mall Rat / Operation: Happy Birthday [1.03]''===
:'''Kitty''': ''[flips into view; to Dudley in his cubicle]'' Agent Puppy, we've got trouble. Snaptrap's being released from prison today. ''[holds up a newspaper article of Snaptrap's release from prison]''
:'''Dudley''': ''[looking at computer monitor]'' Oh, yeah.
:'''Kitty''': Did you hear me? The most dangerous villain in Petropolis is free!
:'''Dudley''': ''[stands on his chair, wagging his tail while looking at the monitor]'' Come to papa.
:'''Kitty''': Are you surfing meat again?
:''[Monitor shows an image of a T-Bone steak]''
:'''Dudley''': Who me? No, that would be insensitive to Agent Bossy.
:''[Agent Bossy moos; the lights go out and a feed of Snaptrap, wearing an elegant tuxedo, is displayed on all monitors]''
:'''Snaptrap''': Greetings, Petropolis! It is I, Verminious Snaptrap!
:'''Dudley''': Whoa. Snaptrap's out of jail?! Why didn't you tell me?!
:'''Snaptrap''': My lengthy stay in prison has taught me that crime doesn't pay! I also went a bit cuckoo and made a little friend out of soap. ''[holds up a bar of soap with a feminine face carved into it]'' Say hello to Vivian!
:'''Everyone''': ''[in unison; unenthusiastically]'' Hello, Vivian.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Little Chipmunk Girl''': You're not going to take away our yogurt like you took away our muffins and sunshine, are you mean lady?
:'''Kitty''': ''[looks up at everyone terrified of her]'' No, Little Chipmunk Girl. Your yogurt is safe.
:'''Dudley''': Hey, mean lady, where you going?
:'''Kitty''': ''[walks to the mall's entrance; sighs sadly]'' I guess Snaptrap really has changed. My instincts aren't as good as I thought. I'm going home before I ruin anyone else's day.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Snaptrap''': ''[on monitors]'' It is I, Verminious Snaptrap! And guess what? ''[rips off his tuxedo]'' I never really changed! I'M STILL EVIL! And now that I've trapped you all inside Snappy Town, I'm gonna blast you into the sun! And make you pay for your yogurt. ''[laughs evilly]''
:''[Everyone screams in panic]''
:'''Kitty''': Aha! I was right about Snaptrap all along! I gotta do a little gloating dance. ''[pulls out pom-pons and shakes them around]'' Go Kitty, good instincts, you are awesome!
:'''Snaptrap''': ''[cackling evilly]'' Fools! Soon, you will ''all'' perish, and I will rule Petropolis, and Vivian will be my queen!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Francisco''': Uh, boss, you're still ''in'' the mall.
:'''Snaptrap''': Darn it! Larry, you forgot to put &quot;Leave the mall&quot; on my To Do list! Is there a shark tank in this mall?
:'''Francisco''': No. But, there's a cockroach in the dirty bathroom.
:'''Snaptrap''': Larry, go stand in the dirty bathroom!
:''[Larry dreadfully obeys]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Kitty''': Dudley, there's a giant fuel tank on the bottom of the mall. If you blast it with a rocket at exactly the right time, the explosion should accelerate us into the sun's orbit and slingshot us back to Earth.
:'''Chief''': Keswick, will that actually work?
:'''Dudley''': Trust her, guys. She's got good instincts.
:''[Kitty smiles]''
:'''Mall Patron #1''': Are you crazy? She blew up my muffin!
:'''Mall Patron #2''': She ruined my day at the beach!
:'''Mall Patron #3''': She glued my cousin Francis to a moving train!
:'''Chief''': No, she didn't.
:'''Mall Patron #3''': Oh, sorry. I thought we were just yelling stuff.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Chief''': What's the temperature, Keswick?
:'''Keswick''': 112 degrees, sir. ''[his clothes burn off]'' Perfectly survivable, unless you're made of soap.
:'''Snaptrap''': ''[as Vivian melts]'' NO! Vivian, now you'll never realize your dream of living in a fancy hotel men's room!
:'''Kitty''': Cheer up, Snaptrap. Once you're back in jail, you'll have plenty of time to make ''another'' soap friend.
:'''Snaptrap''': Think again, hater of muffins and sunshine! Get her, boys!
:'''Francisco''': ''[sitting in a water fountain with Larry, trying to cool off from the heat]'' It's too hot, boss.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Snaptrap''': I will now PLOT MY REVENGE! And I'd love a copy of those photos.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Kitty''': I get the glasses, you get the pretzel.
:'''Dudley''': No I want, the glasses, the pretzel is stale.
:'''Kitty''': Give me those glasses!
:''[Dudley and Kitty hit each other and the sunglasses snap apart]''
:'''Dudley''': You broke the sunglasses! WHY, MEAN LADY?! '''WHY?!?'''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Snaptrap''': Yuck! My mom packed me pimento loaf again. ''[to Ollie, threatening to trade with him]'' Trade with me or perish! ''[takes a bite of the sandwich]'' Oh this is delicious! What is it?
:'''Ollie''': ''[hesitantly]'' Grilled cheese on cheese bread.
:'''Snaptrap''': What?! AAAGGGHHHH! I'm horribly allergic to cheese! ''[swells up]''
:'''Francisco''': Ha! A rat that's allergic to cheese!
:'''Snaptrap''': ''[bangs his fist on the table, stopping the laughing]'' SILENCE! I'm aware of the irony.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Snaptrap''': What kind of cake is this?
:'''Dudley''': It's cheesecake, Snaptrap.
:'''Snaptrap''': A cake, made of cheese?!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Kitty''': Dudley, we did it! Thanks to you, I got what I wanted for my birthday-- I caught a bad guy! ''[breaks down into tears]'' This is the greatest birthday ever!
:'''Dudley''': Well, your birthday's not over yet. What do you say we set this magnet to party?
:'''Kitty''': You set it to &quot;cow.&quot;
:''[They both start to run from the raining cows in slow-motion]''
:'''Dudley''': Happy Birthday, Kitty!

===''Toast of T.U.F.F. / Share-A-Lair [1.04]''===
:'''Chief''': Stop monkeying around, Keswick. We got a serious issue to deal with. One that threatens the very existence of T.U.F.F.: The toaster in the snack room is in the fritz!
:''[Everyone screams in horror]''
:'''Dudley''': ''[falls to the floor in despair]'' NOOOO!!! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THE FROZEN WAFFLES IN MY POCKET?!?! SOMEBODY WAKE ME FROM THIS NIGHTMARE! 
:'''Kitty''': Keswick, you have to do something! I BROUGHT TOASTER PASTRIES TODAY!! 
:'''Hologram Keswick''': Actually, Agent K-K-Katswell, I'm over there. ''[points to the real Keswick]''
:'''Everyone''': '''JUST FIX THE TOASTER!!!'''
:'''Keswick''': Alright, but I'm gonna need some time. Sorry I took so long, but I added a few u-u-u-upgrades. T.U.F.F. agents, meet R.I.T.A.!
:'''Kitty''': R.I.T.A.?
:'''R.I.T.A.''': It's an anagram for &quot;Robotic Interactive Toasting Appliance.&quot; 
:'''Keswick''': I never thought of that, I just like the name. I was also toying with Sheila, but she the f-fa-f-f-fax machine. Anyway, R.I.T.A.'s an artificially intelligent device whose prime-directed is to t-t-toast stuff.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Kitty''': Look, Chief, R.I.T.A. may have foiled the bad guys evil plans, but ''we're'' the ones who captured them!
:'''Chief''': Whoop-Dee-Doo. All you did was put the T.U.F.F. cops on Snaptrap, and the Chameleon into an empty peanut butter jar.
:'''Dudley''': ''[with a mouthful of peanut butter]'' Yeah, but someone had to eat all the peanut butter first! And without a glass of milk I might add. ''[R.I.T.A. offers him a glass of milk]'' Back off, R.I.T.A.!
:'''Chief''': Agent R.I.T.A. and I have been talking.
:'''Kitty''': &quot;Agent&quot; R.I.T.A.?!
:'''Chief''': She asked for a promotion and I gave it to her. I also threw in a parking space and her own secretary.
:'''R.I.T.A.''': ''[As Tammy gives her mug of coffee]'' Thank you, Tammy. ''[drinks her coffee]''
:'''Dudley''': So we're is supposed to work with a toaster?
:'''Chief''': No. R.I.T.A. help me find the perfect assignment for the two of you.
:''[Dudley and Kitty are serving Swedish meatballs in the cafeteria]''
:'''Kitty''': I can't believe it's come to this. 8 years of secret agent college and I'm serving Swedish meatballs in a hairnet?
:'''Dudley''': ''[scarfing down meatballs]'' I know it's humiliating. But these things are delicious.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Keswick''': Well, closing time, R.I.T.A. Great job today. You were the toast of TUFF. Now excuse me while I unplug you for the n-n-n-night.
:'''R.I.T.A.''': ''[grabs Keswick's hand from preventing to do so]'' I'm sorry Keswick, but I cannot allow you to unplug me.
:'''Keswick''': But we're an eco-friendly office. ''[grabs the plug as R.I.T.A. electrocutes him and screams in pain]''
:'''R.I.T.A.''': I run the office now, and I make the rules. Rule number one: ''No one'' turns me off.
:'''Keswick''': R.I.T.A. aren't you getting c-c-c-carried away? You work for T.U.F.F. just like everybody else.
:'''R.I.T.A.''': ''Not'' anymore.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Kitty''': ''[getting hit by paper cups]'' Ahh! Paper cups!
:'''Dudley''': ''[getting hit by paper]'' AHH! PAPER CUTS!
:'''Keswick''': ''[getting hit by paper clips]'' Ahh! Paper clips! ''[R.I.T.A. blasts a hole out of the building as she heads for the Petropolis Power station]'' R.I.T.A.'s headed for the city power grid!
:'''Chief''': You two have to stop her or Petropolis is toast!
:'''Dudley''': Toast! That's it! Keswick, didn't you say R.I.T.A.'s prime-directive is to toast?
:'''Keswick''': Oh, I think I see where you're going, Agent Puppy. You want to build a satellite operated transponder that will reprogram R.I.T.A.'s primary behavioral sequencing?
:'''Dudley''': I was just gonna tape some bread to my stomach and butt.
:'''Keswick''': Little complicated, but it could work.

===''Snapnapped / Mom-A-Geddon [1.05]''===
:'''Keswick''': ''[runs out of the Dumpin' Donuts shop with a box of donuts and heads back to headquarters]'' How humiliating. Someone of my intellect reduced to carrying a buh-b-b-box of circular fattening breakfast pastries! ''[comes to a stop; gloomed with sadness]'' Sometimes I feel like no one ap-prah-pr-pr-prah-pr-preciates me.
:''[The bus &quot;of D.O.O.M.&quot; stops at a bus stop and Snaptrap and his D.O.O.M. agents jump out]''
:'''Snaptrap''': There he is! The genius of T.U.F.F., Falswick!
:'''Keswick''': First of all, it's &quot;Keswick&quot; and w-waah-wah-what do you want, Snaptrap?
:'''Snaptrap''': I want you to come and work for me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dudley''': PETER POPPER PIPED A POT OF PURPLE PEEPERS!
:'''Kitty''': No, let me! Peter Paper peeled a pouch of plastic pappies!
:'''Chief''': Pa pa pa pa pa pee pee pa pa pee pee pa pa! ''[groans]'' Thought I nailed it. Kitty, Dudley, focus!
:'''Dudley, Kitty and Chief''': ''[in unison]'' Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers!
:'''Keswick''': ''[recorded]'' Code phrase, accepted.
:'''Dudley''': Toff the T.O.F.F. mobile!
:'''Kitty''': You mean, to the T.U.F.F. mobile!
:'''Dudley''': Thought I nailed that.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[On the monitor screen, Dudley's mother, Peg Puppy is standing outside in front the headquarters building]''
:'''Keswick''': Security alert. There's an elderly woman outside the building. She could be a c-c-c-criminal. Activating security blasters!
:'''Dudley''': That's not a criminal. That's my mom!
:'''Peg''': ''[on screen from outside]'' Dudley, I know you're in there.
:'''Dudley''': ''[shrieks]'' We can't let her find out I'm a secret agent! If she knows I have dangerous job, she'll make me quit! I don't wanna quit, Chief! I like being a secret agent!

===''Dog Daze / Internal Affairs [1.06]''===
:'''Chief''': Holy! Now I'm giant! Finally, I can ride the rollercoaster with the big kids.... Oh, right, shrink-ray.

===''Chilly Dog / The Doomies [1.07]''===
:'''Dudley''': Kitty, my plan worked! The bad guys came after us!
:'''Kitty''': Okay, now what do we do?
:'''Dudley''': That was all I had. You know, you can contribute sometimes.
:''[A sinister giggle is heard; Dudley and Kitty see two silhouette figures stepping out of the shadows, revealing themselves to be…]''
:'''Kitty''': Wait. Snowflake and Slush? ''You're'' the bad guys?!
:'''Dudley''': The old lady must've put them up to it!
:'''Snowflake''': No, Tiffany. You see, Slush and I haven't ''won'' a skating competition. Mostly because Slush is dumber than a box hair. And I know. 'Cause I skated with a box of hair. AND IT WAS SMARTER THAN HIM! But then the hair went solo and left me hanging. The only way we could win is to eliminate everyone who's better than us. And with all y'all skaters out of the way, we're the best team left. That means the trophy is ''ours!''
:'''Dudley''': Someone's gonna find us eventually. And when they do, you two and your old lady mastermind are going down!
:'''Snowflake''': I know it's gonna find the end of y'all. ''[takes out a 5-minute timer radish-shaped bomb, laughs evilly and coughs; sets the bomb down on the ground and activates it]'' This bomb is set to go off in five minutes, just enough time for us to win the trophy, and get out of here. Come on, Slush! We got some skating to do.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Kitty''': It's all over, Snowflake! In the name of the Turbo Undercover Fighting Force, you are under arrest!
:'''Dudley''': ''[drops in, dragging in the innocent old lady turtle]'' We got the whole team now!
:'''Kitty''': Ma'am, your free to go. I'll explain it to him in the car.
:'''Dudley''': ''[acting dumb and stupid]'' I learned a lot in the car. ''[makes a dumb face]'' I like the car!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dudley''': I am ''never'' taking this off.

===''Watch Dog / Dog Dish [1.08]''===
:'''Dudley''': Snaptrap's Coffee?! Snappy Trap's Iced Tea?! Bob's Big Rat?! ''[view out to Petropolis, now ruled by Snaptrap, now named…]'' SNAPTRAPOLIS?! WHAT DID I DO?!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Keswick''': ''[seeing Dudley wearing the cone]'' HOLY COW! He looks like a snack bowl with paws!
:'''Kitty''': Keswick!
:'''Dudley''': It's fine, Kitty. I'm okay with the cone. It's kinda awesome. ''[quickly breaks into tears]'' OH, WHO AM I KIDDING?! I ''HATE'' THIS CONE! WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE SCRATCH MY RASH?!
:'''Kitty, Keswick, and the Chief''': ''[react with horror at Dudley's butt rash; in unison]'' NO!
:'''Chief''': My eyes!
:'''Dudley''': Okay, just stand there, and I'll rub my butt up against you.
:'''Chief''': Keswick, activate the rash shield!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Snaptrap''': Ooh, Larry. You're getting a ghostly wedgie!
:'''Larry''': Stop it, Snaptrap, I can totally ''see'' you.
:'''Snaptrap''': Oh, really? ''[drops Larry in the shark pit]''

===''Thunder Dog / Snap Dad [1.09]''===
:'''Ollie''': ''[answering the phone]'' Diabolical Order of Mayhem. We deliver evil in 30 minutes or it's free.
:'''Snaptrap''': Hey, it's Snaptrap. I've fallen in love with a lady dog at the laundromat, and I'm resigning as the leader of D.O.O.M. Tell Larry I'll miss him least of all. Snaptrap out forever. ''[hangs up]''
:'''Ollie''': Hey, everyone. Snaptrap quit! Dibs on his stuff!
:'''Snaptrap''': That was hard. They were devastated.

===''Iron Mutt / The Wrong Stuff [1.10]''===

===''Forget Me Mutt / Mind Trap [1.11]''===
:'''Kitty''': ''[hearing Keswick dry heaving]'' Keswick, are you all right?
:'''Keswick''': ''[nauseous]'' Not really. I'm prone to motion sickness, ''[holds up a a jar mayonnaise as his face turns green with envy]'' and that jar of warm mayonnaise I ate isn't helping. ''[dry heaves as his face turns purple]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Chief''': He's ''your'' partner! Do something, Agent Katswell!
:'''Dudley''': ''[acting as Kitty]'' Do what, Chief? Karate chop bad guys? ''[karate chops the ground]'' Act like I'm always right? Purr when the cute water delivery guy comes? ''[imitates Kitty's gestures]''
:'''Kitty''': ''[defensively]'' Uh! I ''never'' do that!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Chief''': What do we do now, Keswick?
:'''Dudley''': ''[recovers; acting as Keswick]'' I can assure you there are a number of options, none of which your p-p-puny minds can grasp. ''[Keswick grins at Kitty]'' Now if you'll excuse me, I'll get back to work on the Lady Keswick I've been building!
:'''Keswick''': How do you know about that?! ''[blatant]'' I mean, I'm not bu-bu-building a Lady Keswick.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Kitty''': Oh, no! Now we'll never figure out what's going on with Snaptrap!
:'''Dudley''': ''[recovers; acting as Snaptrap]'' It is I, Verminious Snaptrap!
:''[Kitty and Keswick groan in unison]''
:'''Chief''': ''[in unison]'' Oh, brother.
:'''Dudley''': And now, to make my ''daring'' escape! ''[runs to the elevator]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dudley''': Guys, are you okay?! Speak to me! It's Dudley!
:'''Keswick, Chief, and Kitty''': ''[all recovering, acting like Dudley; in unison]'' No, ''I'm'' Dudley!
:'''Dudley''': Wait for me!
:'''Dudley, Kitty, Keswick and Chief''': ''[as bugs fly into their noses; in unison]'' AH! BUG UP THE NOSE!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Keswick''': Behold, my new high tech mind reading device. It allows whoever w-wears it to hear the thoughts of anyone close by.
:''[Kitty snatches it out of his hands and puts it on as she listens to the Chief's thoughts]''
:'''Chief''': ''Okay, she's reading my mind. Don't think about how gross her cookies are. Don't think about how gross her cookies are.''
:'''Kitty''': ''[suprised with anger]'' I knew it! You ''hate'' my cookies!
:'''Dudley''': Wow, Chief. Do you hate Christmas, too? Let's see what Mr. Critical thinks of me. ''[puts the helmet on his head]''
:'''Chief''': ''[as Dudley picks his nose]'' ''Oh, man. Agent Puppy is a total slob.''
:'''Dudley''': You think I'm a slob?!
:'''Keswick''': ''[takes the helmet away]'' Stop. Clearly you lack the self esteem to w-w-wear this. Though that's not surprising. Recent psychological studies indicate that…
:'''Chief''': ''Oh, man. Put a sock in it, Dr. Boring.''
:'''Keswick''': ''[fully hurt]'' Well, that stings. Fortunately, I'm too m-m-m-mature to resort to name calling. Now if you'll excuse me, ''[starts tearing up]'' Dr. Boring is going to perform a heart transplant. 'CAUSE MINE'S BROKEN! ''[walks away sobbing as Kitty and Dudley glare annoyingly at the Chief]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Keswick''': I'd comment but, Dr. Boring doesn't make house calls. ''[breaks into tears]'' Cry, weep, sob!
:'''Kitty''': You wouldn't want to celebrate with somebody who make gross cookies.
:'''Dudley''': Or a slob like me! That cut like a knife.

===''Frisky Business / Hot Dog [1.12]''===
:'''Wolf Spitzer''': ''[shivering with his tail all frozen]'' This is Wolf Spitzer freezing my tail off at the Petropolis Dog Show. Tonight, the city's most perfect pooch will win the grand prize, their very own mailman.
:'''Keswick''': ''[turns off the news channel]'' What kind of self-absorbed doofus would enter a dog show?

===''Kid Stuff / Super Duper Crime Busters [1.13]''===

===''Disobedience School / The Dog Who Cried Fish [1.14]''===

===''The Rat Pack / Booby Trap [1.15]''===
:'''Dudley''': You can't fight it, Snaptrap! You got the music in you!
:'''Snaptrap''': ''[straining to resist the dance]'' Must…be…STRONG! ''[Dudley pushes the dance floor button on the boom box, smashes it on the ground, lighting up the dance floor]'' Oh, no! GOTTA DANCE!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dudley''': ''[worn out]'' Man, I'm pooped.
:'''Dudley clones''': Ha! He said poop!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Petropolis convention center; Bird Brain and co. arrive in their Whirly Bird helicopter for the International Booby Con]''
:'''Bird Brain''': ''[laughs]'' Hey! Hey! Here we are at the First Annual Blue-Bottomed Booby Convention! I hope we can get a seat. It's going to be packed! ''[the convention center is completely empty as he, Zippy, and his henchmen enter]'' Or not. I thought there'd be blue-bottomed boobies ''everywhere!''
:'''Owl''': Who?
:'''Bird Brain''': Boobies!
:'''Bat''': Where?
:'''Bird Brain''': HERE, at the convention! Oh Zippy, I am so disappointed. And not just because my henchmen are idiots. It appears that I'm the ''only'' blue-bottomed booby, in existence!
:'''Zippy''': Look on the bright side boss, you can be the first in line at the buffet. ''[Bird Brain looks over to the buffet and see that Owl and Bat are already there]'' Or third.
:'''Bird Brain''': Save me some lox, Owl!
:'''Owl''': Who?
:'''Bird Brain''': ''ME!''
:'''Bat''': Where?
:'''Bird Brain''': ''[jumps]'' At the buffet table! What I wouldn't give for a taser right now!
:'''Zippy''': You know, boss, there is another advantage to being the only blue-bottomed booby.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bird Brain''': This is wonderful! I'm above the law! I ''love'' being the only booby!
:'''Unnamed Booby''': ''[appears]'' Greetings, fellow booby! ''[suddenly and inexplicably tied to a rocket outside the convention, via, Bird Brain]''
:'''Bird Brain''': Hello, and GOOD-BYE! After a brief scare, I'm once again the only blue-bottomed booby! Now, to hatch my most diabolical plan ever…right after I hit the buffet table and build my own sundae.

===''Snappy Campers / Lucky Duck [1.16]''===
:''[Dudley arrives at the Network President's house and rings the doorbell]''
:'''Network President''': ''[answers the door]'' Can I help you?
:'''Dudley''': Good news, Mr. Network President. You get to go in the quack sack! ''[the president annoyingly closes the door]'' He's probably just getting a jacket. ''[kicks the door open and enters the house]'' Hello! ''[puts the president in the sack and runs to the T.U.F.F. mobile]'' Don't thank me. Thank Quacky.

===''The Curse of King Mutt / Bored of Education [1.17]''===
:'''Bird Brain''': Well played, Agent Puppy. But I knew it was you all along.
:'''Snaptrap''': Yeah, that's why you led that heroic charge into the Ancient Greek trash compactor.
:'''Chameleon''': Quit fighting and let's make a run for it!
:'''Kitty''': Dudley, it's time to take out the trash!
:'''Chameleon''': Ooh, I hope we can get the same cell. Then we'll ''really'' get to bond. Can I get a &quot;team evil?&quot;
:'''Bird Brain''': No, please! Put me in solitary!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Kitty''': ''[in high-pitched voice]'' Wait kids, think about your future!
:'''Dudley''': ''[laughs in high-pitched voice]'' Kitty, you sound funny! Hey, listen to me! I'm Tiny Dudley! A little secret agent who lives in a thimble, and eats mini-mini waffles! Now you say something.
:'''Kitty''': I hear a beeping sound.

===''Guard Dog / Dog Save the Queen [1.18]''===

===''Doom and Gloom / Law and Ordor [1.19]''===
:''[3 to 5 years later, D.O.O.M. headquarters; The agents, in their prison uniforms walk in]''
:'''Snaptrap''': ''[upbeat]'' Well, that was a rough three to five years. I wonder if this carton of milk I left on the table is still good. DRINK IT, FRANCISCO! ''[Francisco drinks the spoiled milk, gets sick as his face turns green and collapses]'' Let's go steal some more milk at grocery store! I'll call T.U.F.F. and tell them.
:'''Larry''': Snaptrap, don't you get it by now? We keep on getting caught 'cause you always tell T.U.F.F. our plans!
:'''Snaptrap''': ''[in denial]'' I'm sorry Larry. I can't hear you FROM THE SHARK TANK! ''[pulls the lever, opening the shark tank underneath Larry and the sharks begin mauling him]'' Wow, you can really tell the sharks haven't eaten in three to five years.
:'''Larry''': ''[climbing out of the shark tank; fed up with anger]'' That's it! I've had enough! You're a big, stinky bully, and I quit! ''[walks off with purpose]''
:'''Snaptrap''': Sticks and stones, LARRY! Seriously, guys. Throw sticks and stones at him!
:''[Ollie and Francisco throw sticks and stones at Larry as he exits]''
:'''Larry''': OW! My bones!
:'''Snaptrap''': I have exciting news fellas! With Larry gone, you two get to take turns in the shark tank.
:'''Ollie''': ''[as he and Francisco look at each other and make a run for it]'' Wait up, Larry!
:'''Snaptrap''': ''[digs into his pockets]'' Darn it! I'm out of sticks and stones! Well, who needs those losers? I'm the only smart one around here anyway.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Larry''': ''[on-screen]'' It is I, Larry, leader of Genius Larry's Order of Mayhem, otherwise known as: &quot;G.L.O.O.M.&quot;
:'''Dudley''': No offense, but &quot;Larry's&quot; not a very scary name.
:'''Larry''': Oh, all right. Then from now on, call me…''Murray!''
:''[Kitty and Chief gasp in shock]''
:'''Chief''': Okay, Murray, you've got our attention. Now, just tell us your diabolical plan, so we can arrest you go out for brunch.
:'''Larry (Murray)''': Ahh! But that's the twist. I'm not gonna tell you my diabolical plan. Murray, out!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Larry (Murray)''': Attention, T.U.F.F. nitwits! It is I, ''Murray!'' ''[Kitty and Chief gasp]'' I'm here to tell you about my diabolical plan!
:'''Chief''': Thank you, Murray, you've made one middle-aged flea very happy!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Keswick''': I've received intel that the Stink Bug is on the loose!
:'''Dudley''': Who's the Stink Bug?
:'''Keswick''': A diabolical bug villain who stinks. Duh! It's right in his name! Because of his rancid smell, we r-ruh-ran him out of town.
:'''Chief''': Actually, we just told him to take a shower, but he made a big stink about it and left, vowing revenge!
:'''Keswick''': Well, he's back, and he's robbing the Limburger Chuh-Chuh-Cheese Factory.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Stink Bug''': I told you, I DON'T shower! ''[gets in Percival's face]'' YOU ARE THE ''WORST'' EVIL INTERN EVER!
:'''Percival''': Oh, evil intern? I must've missed that in the job description.

===''A Doomed Christmas [1.20]''===

===''Big Dog on Campus / Dog's Best Friend [1.21]''===

===''Mission: Really Big Mission [1.22]''===

===''Monkey Business / Diary of a Mad Cat [1.23]''===

===''Dudley Do-Wrong / Puppy Unplugged [1.24]''===

===''Top Dog / Quack in The Box [1.25]''===
:''[Kitty, Keswick, and all the agents are injured by Dudley pouncing on them from getting his lasagna]''
:'''Kitty''': ''[typing on her computer]'' Wow. Dudley is a terrible chief. Luckily, all of the city's worst villains are out of commission.
:'''Keswick''': Are they in jail?
:'''Kitty''': No, they're at an evil softball tournament in Petsburgh.
:''[Snaptrap, Bird Brain, and the Chameleon are seen playing there]''
:'''Snaptrap''': I stole home! Seriously, I stole it. I also swiped the ref's watch. Start the car, Larry!
:'''Keswick''': Well, if all the bad guys are out there playing softball, then there's nothing to worry about.
:''[Lightning flashes over the city and the face of a new villain appears]''
:'''Meerkat''': It's time to give Petropolis something to worry about! I call to order the first meeting of the Fiendish League of Potential Perpetrators: &quot;F.L.O.P.P.!&quot; Role call! Meerkat, oh that's me. And I'll have you know I'm no mere cat, I'm the MEERKAT! Get it, Mere Cat, ''[pulls out a sign with 'Mere Cat' at the top and 'Meerkat' at the bottom]'' see the difference. You kinda have to write it down. ''[throws the sign away]'' Moving on…Wanna-Bee?
:'''Wanna-Bee''': I'm here and I wanna be bad!
:'''Meerkat''': Oooh, I like your moxy. Missing Lynx, eh missing as usual. Fiddler Crab? ''[Fiddler Crab plays a fiddle note but one of the strings snap and hit him in the eye]'' Oh, that's a snappy ditty. Escape Goat?
:'''Escape Goat''': I'm here, and I'm forming my greatest escape yet! Has anyone seen a tiny key?!
:'''Meerkat''': Time to brainstorm a fiendish plan!
:'''Wanna-Bee''': Yeah! Let's do something super bad! ''[falls into the creamer]''
:'''Meerkat''': Oh, dear, he's fallen in the creamer! Someone throw him a swizzle stick!
:'''Escape Goat''': Here's an evil plan. Why don't we dine and dash? Ha-ha!
:'''Meerkat''': Ooh, that's super evil! Let's do it!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Chief''': You're going to jail, F.L.O.P.P.!
:'''Meerkat''': Oh, goody! Do you hear that, boys? We're going to jail like real criminals! ''[realizes]'' Oh, no! We're going to jail like ''real'' criminals!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Wolf Spitzer''': Wolf Spitzer here with beloved children's TV host, ''and'' convicted felon, Quacky the Duck. We're at the grand opening of Quacky's new restaurant; Quack in the Box.
:'''Quacky''': Hey, kids! You're gonna love what's on the menu. It's better than prison food and I should know.
:'''Sharing Moose''': I'm only gonna say this once, &quot;Eat here or else!&quot;
:'''Quacky''': Okay, Sharing Moose. Save that charm for the drive-thru window.
:'''Chief''': Quacky's got a restaurant? Let's hurry and beat the crowd!
:'''Keswick''': Looks like the Sharing Moose is already doing that.
:'''Sharing Moose''': I said get in line, grandma!
:'''Kitty''': I can't believe you guys are buying this. Do I need to remind you that Quacky tied me and Dudley to a rocket and fired us into space?
:'''Keswick''': Kitty, you have to learn to forgive and forget.
:'''Kitty''': Really? I bet Dudley hasn't forgiven or forgotten. Right, Dudley?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dudley''': I'LL BE BACK AS SOON AS I LAND!
:'''Sharing Moose''': Well done, Quacky. Things are going just like we planned.
:'''Quacky''': Yeah! Once I activate those quacktion figures, they'll destroy every other fast food restaurant in Petropolis and make it look like Agent Puppy did it! ''[quickly realizes]'' Whoops! I said that over the drive-thru microphone.
:'''Sharing Moose''': ''[tosses the customer his meal and the customer drives away]'' Don't worry. I didn't put the stomach medicine in his sloppy meal. He'll never make it out of the parking lot.
:'''Customer''': ''[throws up and crashes]'' I'm gonna need an extra napkin!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dudley''': KITTY! DID YOU SEE ME ON TV?!
:'''Kitty''': I can't believe you're still into Quacky. He's a deranged lunatic who tried to annihilate us. Ooh! The Math Moth! He taught me long division and how to eat a wool sweater.
:'''Keswick''': Boy, Quacky's food really hits the spot. It's just the right blend of farming pesticides and irradiated artificial meat filler.
:'''Chief''': Whoa, Agent Puppy! Is that the Phonics Fox? You know, I've always had a crush on her. How do I look?
:'''Keswick''': Uh, Chief, you know she's not real.
:'''Chief''': Just because she's a lifeless plastic toy doesn't mean she's not real.
:'''Keswick''': That's exactly what it means. Looks like somebody needs to talk to the Sanity Seagull.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Wolf Spitzer''': Wolf Spitzer here. Agent Puppy, did you destroy Argh-by's because you're a crazed Quacky the Duck fan and want to eliminate the competition?
:'''Dudley''': What? No! That's ridic-- 
:''[Kitty falls on him]''
:'''Wolf Spitzer''': There you have it. Proof positive that it's raining cats.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Snaptrap''': ''[after Dudley passes out from hyperventilating too much]'' Boy, he really is an idiot.

===''Lie Like A Dog / Cold Fish [1.26]''===

==''Season 2''==

===''Freaky Spy Day / Dog Tired [2.01]''===
:'''Dudley''': ''[in Kitty's body after switching brains]'' It worked! Now as far as anyone knows, I'm Kitty. And that's just me sleeping on floor again. Now to make a date with Jack. ''[calls Jack's number; makes a bad imitating of Kitty]'' Hi, Jack. It's Kitty. I got your message.
:'''Jack''': Kitty, what's wrong with your voice?
:'''Dudley/Kitty''': Uh, I have a fur ball in my throat because I'm a cat and not a dog with my brain inside a cat's body. ''[nervously laughs]'' Wanna meet for lunch?
:'''Jack''': Love to. Meet me at 12:00 at our Our Old Hangout.
:'''Dudley/Kitty''': Ummm...I don't remember where that is, and not because I'm just pretending to be Kitty and don't know you that well. ''[laughs nervously]''
:'''Jack''': Actually, we've never been there before. &quot;Our Old Hangout&quot; is the name of a new restaurant on main street. I'll see you there.
:'''Dudley/Kitty''': Beware Jack Rabbit. There's a new Kitty in town, and her name is Dumpley Puppy! ''[falls to the floor]'' Aah! I twisted my ankle!
:''[Our Old Hangout restaurant, Jack is sitting at a booth waiting for Kitty (Dudley in Kitty's body) to arrive]''
:'''Dudley/Kitty''': Hi, Jackie-poo! ''[has trouble walking in Kitty's boots and trips on Jack]'' Sorry, I'm late. I had to put on my lady face. ''[giggles]''
:'''Jack''': Kitty, It's good to see you. I thought about you a lot while I was in the slammer.
:'''Dudley/Kitty''': Well, you ''deserved'' to be in jail. ''[slaps Jack in the face]''
:'''Jack''': ''[points to his convertible car outside]'' Actually, The slammer is my high powered European sports car. It's an XJ5 Convertible.
:'''Dudley/Kitty''': Yeah? Well, your fancy car doesn't impress me. I only came here to tell you, I want ''nothing'' to do with you! Oh, and to do this! ''[splashes a glass of water in Jack's face]'' And this! ''[squirts ketchup in his face]'' And maybe this too! ''[pushes a stick of butter on his forehead]'' And don't bother wiping your face, 'cause I never want to see it again!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dudley/Kitty''': Just so you know, after my free lunch, free dessert, and free to-go order, I never wanna see you again!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dudley/Kitty''': ''[on the phone]'' I'd like to order a dune buggy, and a pot roast the size of a dune buggy.
:'''Kitty/Dudley''': Dudley, have you gone crazy?! Why did you trade brians with me?
:'''Dudley/Kitty''': Keep your shirt on! I don't want my Chinese noodles to fall out. ''[Kitty groans at him with anger]'' Look, I know you're mad, but I did it to protect you from Jack Rabbit. I was afraid he'd try and do something bad to you again. But as it turns out, he's an awesome guy who just left his sunglasses in the top secret T.U.F.F. computer room.
:'''Kitty/Dudley''': What?! Jack's back?! Dudley, he used his charms to trick you!
:'''Dudley/Kitty''': Actually, he used it to buy me a dune buggy. I ''love'' him, Kitty!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Snaptrap''': ''[in Kitty's body]'' Wow! I can get even bigger tips now!
:'''Dudley''': Hi-YAH! ''[punches Snaptrap in the nose, knocking him out]'' Take that, Snaptrap! ''[to Kitty, in Snaptrap's body]'' Sorry, Kitty. I think I broke your nose.
:'''Jack''': ''[comes out of the top secret computer room]'' The list is on this flash drive, Snaptrap.
:'''Kitty''': ''[imitating Snaptrap's voice]'' Yeah. That's who I am. Snaptrap and not a girl cat in a really gross rat's body. Are there noodles in my shirt? Do all guys do this?
:'''Jack''': ''[tosses the flash drive in Snaptrap's (Kitty's) hands]'' You've got your list. Now, give me my money.
:'''Kitty''': No chance, Jack. 'Cause I'm not really Snaptrap. ''[picks up the Brain Switcher; in normal voice]'' I'm Kitty Katswell!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mr. Wong''': Dudley Puppy, you crossed the ''Wong'' guy! Get it? 'Cause my name is Wong.
:'''Kitty''': You know, this ''is'' a secret agency. We really should lock the door.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dudley''': ''[in Jack's body; imitating Jack's voice]'' Here's my credit card, Mr. Wong. It should cover all the food Dudley ate. And all the food he's planning to eat in the future.
:'''Mr. Wong''': ''[takes the credit card]'' Thank you, wise and handsome stranger. ''[leaves the building]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Snaptrap''': ''[sitting in his chair, wearing his bunny slippers and robe; bummed]'' Woe is me. ''[sighs depressingly]''
:'''Ollie''': Oh, are you depressed, boss?
:'''Snaptrap''': Well, yes. Also, I've changed my name to &quot;Woe.&quot;
:'''Larry''': What's wrong, Snaptrap?
:'''Snaptrap''': ''[shouting angrily]'' IT'S &quot;WOE&quot;, LARRY!

===''Pup Daddy / Candy Cane-ine [2.02]''===
:'''Elderly Kitty''': Dudley, what have you done?!
:'''Elderly Chief''': Get him!

===''Bark to the Future / Lights, Camera, Quacktion [2.03]''===
:'''Kitty''': Keep working, Keswick. Here's a piece of pizza. ''[slides a slice of pizza under the door]''
:'''Kewsick''': I CAN'T REACH THE PIZZA! Oh, su-su-su-SURE! I guess I'll just STARVE!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Access Hollywolf; Wolf Spitzer is interviewing Quacky the Duck and Sharing Moose]''
:'''Wolf Spitzer''': Wolf Spitzer here for Access Hollywolf. I'm with former kid show host and convicted felon, Quacky the Duck, and his scary partner, the Sharing Moose. They are out of prison and making their first feature film.
:'''Quacky''': Which is definitely a real movie, and not a villainy cover up for heinous crimes.
:'''Sharing Moose''': That's right. I spent a year in solitary writing the screenplay.
:'''Quacky''': Seriously? You actually wrote a real screenplay?
:'''Sharing Moose''': It's a touch in celebration of life. And if the actors mess it up, they will never forget the taste of my FIST!
:'''Wolf Spitzer''': And who are these lucky actors of what you speak?
:'''Quacky''': Well, Wolf, we cast three local suckers, I mean, local citizens in the starring roles.
:'''Kitty''': ''[turns off the screen]'' What kind of idiots would wanna star in a Quacky the Duck movie?
:''[Elevator doors open]''
:'''Dudley''': KITTY, WE'RE STARRING IN A QUACKY THE DUCK MOVIE!

===''Happy Howl-O-Ween [2.04]''===

===''Bark to Nature / Mutts and Bolts [2.05]''===

===''Dog House / Time Waits for No Mutt [2.06]''===

===''Mud with Power / Legal Beagle [2.07]''===

===''Hush Puppy / Quacky Birthday [2.08]''===

===''Sheep Dog / Mom's Away [2.09]''===

===''Love Bird / Bluff Puppy [2.10]''===
:'''Meerkat''': At last, sweet freedom! Now the members of F.L.O.P.P., the Fiendish League of Potential Perpetrators, can be reunited in crime! Right, Wanna-Bee?
:'''Wanna-Bee''': Yeah! 'Cause I wanna be bad!
:'''Escape Goat''': So do I, but how can we commit crimes without going back to jail?!
:'''Wanna-Bee''': We could rob each other, and not press charges!
:'''Meerkat''': I have a better idea. I've contacted an old friend who leads the exciting life of a super villain, but has never gone to jail.
:'''Escape Goat''': What's his secret?
:'''Meerkat''': He's never actually committed a crime. Oh, he threatens to, but it's always a bluff. Fellow members of F.L.O.P.P., meet the Bluffalo!
:'''Bluffalo''': Hello, look at me. I'm parked in a handicapped space in a stolen van. Just kidding. I'm legally parked, and I'm leasing this.
:'''Meerkat''': I told you he was good.
:'''Bluffalo''': With my help, you will be able to terrorize Petropolis with empty threats, and never go to prison. Now, who wants some stolen pizza? I'm bluffing. I paid for it, and left a 20% tip. ''[giggles]''

===''Rat Trap / Agent of the Year [2.11]''===

===''Barking Tall / Bad Eggs [2.12]''===

===''Carbon Copies / TUFF Cookies [2.13]''===
:'''Dudley''': Thanks for having a snowball fight with me, Mr. President of the United States. ''[gets hit in the face with a snowball]''
:'''Simulated Eagle President''': You're welcome, Dudley. And since we're best friends now you can call me, &quot;Mr. United States.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Simulated Michael Crane''': It's always a pleasure to hang out with my best friend, Dudley Puppy.
:'''Dudley''': This is awesome! I have so many famous bird friends!
:'''Keswick''': Agent Puppy, get out of the simulation station.
:'''Dudley''': Come on, Keswick. This is your coolest invention ever! Whatever I imagine in here becomes real! In fact, could you come in here for a second? I'd like to imagine you not bothering me.
:'''Keswick''': Agent Puppy, I created the simulation station to ''train'' agents for dangerous, real-life situations, not so you could good off with a has-been actor and a lame duck president.
:'''Dudley''': He's not a duck. He's an eagle. Besides, Kitty said it was okay.
:'''Simulated Kitty''': I did. I think everything Dudley does is okay, if not amazing.
:'''Keswick''': That is not the real Agent Katswell.
:'''Dudley''': I know. I call her, &quot;agreeable Kitty.&quot; She's ''way'' better. ''[sees the real Kitty and gets startled]''
:'''Kitty''': Better, Dudley? How is ''she'' better?
:'''Dudley''': Well, for one thing, she doesn't scare me like you just did. Also, her head is a gumball machine.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Chief''': Agent Puppy, I'm only gonna ask you this once. Did you take Keswick's coffee cup? ''[Keswick whispers to him; shocked]'' He did ''what?!'' That's ''way'' worse! Agents Puppy and Katswell, go get that simulated Michael Crane, and bring him back to T.U.F.F.! Keswick, go put agreeable Kitty back in the simulation station.
:'''Keswick''': One second, Chief. I'm trying to get a cherry gumball. ''[Agreeable Kitty explodes]'' The gumballs were all backed up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Keswick''': ''[eating an Animal Quacker]'' These taste like sugar cookies!
:'''Kitty''': Don't tell anyone I said this, but these are even better than my Carp Tarts!
:'''Bill''': I'm from the Carp Tarts company, and I heard that. You're fired, Ms. Katswell.
:'''Kitty''': You've been spying on me?!
:'''Bill''': The Carp Tarts company checks up on all their spokespeople. ''[chuckles]'' Oh, boy, hiding behind a ficus sure works up an appetite. ''[eats an Animal Quacker]'' Mm! Man, these ''are'' better than Carp Tarts! ''[chuckles]'' I can say that, 'cause no one's spying on me.
:'''Executive''': Wrong, Bill! You're FIRED!
:'''Bill''': ''[disappointed]'' Oh, great. Now I gotta go sell board games in the alley. ''[walks away, moping]''
:'''Dudley''': I'm sorry you lost your spokesperson job, Kitty, but the important thing is, I still have mine. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to use my super deep TV voice to sell more cookies!

===''Subliminal Criminal / Acting T.U.F.F. [2.14]''===

===''Close Encounters of the Doomed Kind / Golden Retriever [2.15]''===
:'''Chief''': Okay, I've had some time to get over the mop. And I've decided I can't get over the mop. So we're going after it! Keswick, break out the heavy artillery.
:'''Keswick''': I would, Chief. But the key to activate the weapon system is in Kitty's purse. Just kidding, it's in my fanny pack.
:'''Chief''': ''[laughs]'' Yeah, good one, Keswick.

===''Til Doom Do Us Part [2.16]''===

===''Crime Takes a Holiday / Flower Power [2.17]''===
:''[Bird Brain and Zippy are both standing in front of the Brawny Booby clothing store]''
:'''Zippy''': Bird Brain, why are robbing the Brawny Booby? You always rob the Big-Bottomed Booby.
:'''Bird Brain''': Because Zippy, I've made a serum out of the Bird of Powerdise flower! Once I take it, I'll be young, handsome, and I'll feel out a muscle shirt like no booby's business! There may be some freaky side effects like: uncontrollable skipping, and the inability to pronounce the letter &quot;R.&quot; But, blue bottoms up! ''[gulps down the serum and grows a full head of hair and a stylish muscular body]'' Now, look at me. I'm WIPPED! Oh, dear. I sound widiculous. No matter, I look like a gweek god! Hooway! ''[skips inside the Brawny Booby]'' Evewybody out! This is a wobbewy! ''[all the other boobys are confused; sighs in frustration]'' A bugwugwy?! Just get out! ''[puts on a pair of skinny jeans]'' Oh, this is fantastic. Finally, I can get into skinny jeans without gweasing my waist with butter.

===''The Spelling Bee / House Broken [2.18]''===

===''T.U.F.F. Choices / Sob Story [2.19]''===

===''T.U.F.F. Sell / Tattle Tale [2.20]''===
:'''Meerkat''': I hereby call to order this meeting of F.L.O.P.P.: The Fiendish League of Potential Perpatrators!
:'''Escape Goat''': It's just me, Meerkat. You don't have to yell. Also, I know what F.L.O.P.P. stands for.
:'''Meerkat''': ''[annoyed]'' You know, Escape Goat, you've got quite an attitude for someone who couldn't even escape from the shower this morning!

===''True Spies / Bagel and the Beast [2.21]''===
:'''Keswick''': Mmm. Chief, this three-bean salad you made is delicious!
:'''Chief''': Thanks. Although to tell you the truth, I didn't make it. I just took it out of the refrigerator. There's all kinds of stuff in here.
:'''Keswick''': ''[stammering]'' Wait a minute. This is my spill the beans salad! It's just as powerful as my truth syrup, but with fewer calories!
:'''Chief''': Oh, no! Truth beans give me gas. To be honest, I always have gas, but I blame it on Agent Puppy.
:'''Keswick''': I never have gas. I'm an alien. Oops!
:'''Chief''': Keswick, are you really an alien?
:'''Keswick''': No. Yes. I'm hiding out on Earth because I'm wanted on my own planet for cooking stinky fish at work. Super strict planet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[News footage on the screen monitor shows three police cars in front of a house robbery]''
:'''Wolf Spitzer''': This is Wolf Spitzer with breaking news. There are reports that Bigfoot-- yes, Bigfoot-- has robbed this strangely familiar home behind me. Wait, that's ''my'' house!
:'''Daughter Spitzer''': ''[tapping her father's shoulder]'' Daddy, Bigfoot-- yes, Bigfoot stole my video games!
:'''Wolf Spitzer''': Well, sweetie, that's no big deal.
:'''Mrs. Spitzer''': He also stole your golf clubs.
:'''Wolf Spitzer''': That monster! Bigfoot must be hunted down and ''DESTROYED!''
:'''Dudley''': This is ridiculous! Bigfoot would never hurt anyone! He's kind, and generous, and he has a heart as big as his foot.
:'''Kitty''': How would you know that, Dudley?
:'''Dudley''': Because he came to comfort me when I was a kid after my mom sent me to bed without dessert. I didn't do anything wrong when we were just out of dessert.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dudley''': ''[whispering]'' Why is he talking to a mic?
:'''Wolf Spitzer''': ''[annoyed]'' This is Wolf Spitzer saying you whispered that to ''me.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dudley''': ''[consoling Bigfoot]'' I'll figure out some way to get you out of here, buddy. I just need to think. Thinking is hard. Maybe I'll just make some hot chocolate. That's hard too. Or maybe I'll just sit here. ''[jumps and sits down on the floor]'' Ah, the floor is hard.
:'''Wolf Spitzer''': ''[on screen monitor]'' This is Wolf Spitzer saying Bigfoot has struck again! And this time, he's teamed up with the beloved former show pony, Shenanigans. Yes, Shenanigans.
:'''Dudley''': Hey, look, Bigfoot. You're on TV. Wait. You're ''on'' TV. That means… ''[groans]'' more thinking. No, wait, I've got it. You're innocent! That means you're innocent!

===''Dancin' Machine / The Good, The Bad and The Quacky [2.22]''===

===''Pup Goes The Weasel / Puppy Pause [2.23]''===

===''Match Me If You Can / Organized Crime [2.24]''===
:'''Kitty''': ''[sobbing along with Dudley]'' We're never gonna get Tammy back!
:'''Chief''': ''[sobbing]'' I give anything to hear Tammy's voice one more time!

===''A Tale of Two Kitties / Pup in the Air [2.25]''===

===''Girlfriend or Foe? / Scared Wit-Less [2.26]''===

==''Season 3''==

===''T.U.F.F. Break Up [3.01]''===

===''T.U.F.F. Love / Soar Loser [3.02]''===
:''[T.U.F.F. headquarters; Tammy is in the elevator putting makeup on, the elevator doors open, revealing Keswick laying on a floating pink cloud with hearts in his eyes, staring dreamily at her]''
:'''Keswick''': Morning, Tammy! ''[Tammy screams]'' I've been on Cloud 9 since I met you. Cloud 9 is the name of the hovering platform I built to be closer to your face. ''[Tammy closes the elevator doors on his nose]'' Love hurts.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Chief''': Let me guess, Tammy trouble?
:'''Keswick''': Yeah. It just seems my wooing isn't working.
:'''Dudley''': Well, maybe Kitty can give you some girl advice. She's kind of a girl.
:'''Kitty''': ''[flicks Dudley in the ear]'' Thanks, Dudley. And you're kind of a secret agent. So, how exactly have you been wooing her, Keswick?
:'''Keswick''': Well let's see, I snuck into her house, then wrote &quot;I love you&quot; on her bathroom mirror in ketchup.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Keswick''': Agent Puppy, this is a nightmare!
:'''Dudley''': You're telling me. I really wanted that lemon cream donut.
:'''Keswick''': I'm never gonna win Tammy over.
:'''Dudley''': You just gotta keep trying, Keswick. I know women, and the one thing they love is being desperately pursued by a guy they're ''not'' interested in.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Petropolis Hospital; Snaptrap and Bird Brain are recovering after being beaten by Tammy]''
:'''Snaptrap''': Well, this is humiliating.
:'''Bird Brain''': You're telling me. Two respected thespians, such as ourselves, reduced to being beaten up by a girl?!
:'''Snaptrap''': No, I was talking about my hospital gown. It doesn't close in the back.
:'''Bird Brain''': We should give that Tammy a taste of her own medicine.
:'''Snaptrap''': Sorry, I'm gonna need all my medicine. She really kicked my butt. Which as I mentioned, it's the only part of me this robe isn't covering.

===''Dead or a Lie / Tourist Trap [3.03]''===

===''Hide and Ghost Seek / Cod Squad [3.04]''===

===''Barking Bad / Smarty Pants [3.05]''===

===''Great Scott / To Be or Not to Bee [3.06]''===
:'''Wanna-Bee''': Wait! The Rumble Bee?! That's my brother, the one who went to the Amazon without me! ''[groans]'' He must've been sprayed by those scientists and turned into a killer bee! THIS IS SO UNFAIR! ''[to Dudley and Kitty]'' The Rumble Bee doesn't need to be a killer bee. ''[to the viewers]'' He's already super bad! HE'S A MONSTER!

===''While the Cats Away / Sweet Revenge [3.07]''===

===''Puff Puppy / Stressed to Kill [3.08]''===

[[Category:American comedy TV shows]]</text>
      <sha1>r608bz6zcjquy996fdz25ybpf7lt9rt</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153624</id>
      <parentid>3153623</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T18:13:34Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>162.197.99.132</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Purr-fect Partners / Doom-mates [1.01] */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="50760" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''T.U.F.F. Puppy''''' is an American action comedy television series created by Butch Hartman for [[Nickelodeon]]. The series' main character is a mixed-breed dog named [[Dudley Puppy]] who works as a spy for an organization called T.U.F.F. (short for Turbo Undercover Fighting Force). His partner is a girl cat named Kitty Katswell. Other helpers are Keswick, and The Chief.

==''Season 1''== 

===''Purr-fect Partners / Doom-mates [1.01]''===
:'''Blue Rabbit Tourist''': Who are you?
:'''Snaptrap''': Who am I? Simply the most EVIL mind in all of Petropolis!
:'''Blue Elephant Tourist''': Oh you, uh, Dr. Destruction?
:'''Snaptrap''': What?! No!
:'''Violet Hippo Lady Tourist''': You're the Kangarooster. The-the bouncing bird who lays the exploding eggs!
:'''Snaptrap''': ''[sighs annoyingly]'' I'm Verminious Snaptrap! Dirty rat, and leader of the Diabolical Order of Mayhem! ''[holds up the D.O.O.M. sign]''
:'''Tourists''': ''[in unison]'' Never heard of you.
:'''Snaptrap''': Well, you will, for I will control Petropolis, now that I have the Kruger Rat! ''[knocks off glass case to steal the Kruger Rat]''
:'''Tour Guide''': Think again, Snaptrap! ''[rips off her disguise, revealing herself to be T.U.F.F. agent, Kitty Katswell]'' Hyah!
:'''Snaptrap''': Well, if it isn't Special T.U.F.F. Agent Kitty Katswell! ''[grabs a sword from a suit of rat armor]'' Ready to lose one of your, nine lives?!
:'''Kitty''': I'd rather use my ten claws!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[T.U.F.F. headquarters; the scientists are doing research tests on Dudley while running on a treadmill with monitoring equipment hooked up to him, chasing his chew toy]''
:'''Chief''': Okay, Keswick. What's up with the dog?
:'''Keswick''': His name is Dudley Puppy, Chief. He's the perfect combination of every breed of dog known to man. The fleet feet of a Greyhound, the sensitive nose of a bl-bl-bl-Bloodhound, with the bravery of a German sh-sh-sh-sh-Shepherd.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Kitty''': We're secret agents, butt-munch, not superheroes. I speak 120 dialects fluently, mastered all forms of martial arts, and my claws are registered as lethal weapons.
:'''Dudley''': Maybe you should register YOUR BREATH!

===''Cruisin' for a Bruisin' / Puppy Love [1.02]''===

===''Mall Rat / Operation: Happy Birthday [1.03]''===
:'''Kitty''': ''[flips into view; to Dudley in his cubicle]'' Agent Puppy, we've got trouble. Snaptrap's being released from prison today. ''[holds up a newspaper article of Snaptrap's release from prison]''
:'''Dudley''': ''[looking at computer monitor]'' Oh, yeah.
:'''Kitty''': Did you hear me? The most dangerous villain in Petropolis is free!
:'''Dudley''': ''[stands on his chair, wagging his tail while looking at the monitor]'' Come to papa.
:'''Kitty''': Are you surfing meat again?
:''[Monitor shows an image of a T-Bone steak]''
:'''Dudley''': Who me? No, that would be insensitive to Agent Bossy.
:''[Agent Bossy moos; the lights go out and a feed of Snaptrap, wearing an elegant tuxedo, is displayed on all monitors]''
:'''Snaptrap''': Greetings, Petropolis! It is I, Verminious Snaptrap!
:'''Dudley''': Whoa. Snaptrap's out of jail?! Why didn't you tell me?!
:'''Snaptrap''': My lengthy stay in prison has taught me that crime doesn't pay! I also went a bit cuckoo and made a little friend out of soap. ''[holds up a bar of soap with a feminine face carved into it]'' Say hello to Vivian!
:'''Everyone''': ''[in unison; unenthusiastically]'' Hello, Vivian.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Little Chipmunk Girl''': You're not going to take away our yogurt like you took away our muffins and sunshine, are you mean lady?
:'''Kitty''': ''[looks up at everyone terrified of her]'' No, Little Chipmunk Girl. Your yogurt is safe.
:'''Dudley''': Hey, mean lady, where you going?
:'''Kitty''': ''[walks to the mall's entrance; sighs sadly]'' I guess Snaptrap really has changed. My instincts aren't as good as I thought. I'm going home before I ruin anyone else's day.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Snaptrap''': ''[on monitors]'' It is I, Verminious Snaptrap! And guess what? ''[rips off his tuxedo]'' I never really changed! I'M STILL EVIL! And now that I've trapped you all inside Snappy Town, I'm gonna blast you into the sun! And make you pay for your yogurt. ''[laughs evilly]''
:''[Everyone screams in panic]''
:'''Kitty''': Aha! I was right about Snaptrap all along! I gotta do a little gloating dance. ''[pulls out pom-pons and shakes them around]'' Go Kitty, good instincts, you are awesome!
:'''Snaptrap''': ''[cackling evilly]'' Fools! Soon, you will ''all'' perish, and I will rule Petropolis, and Vivian will be my queen!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Francisco''': Uh, boss, you're still ''in'' the mall.
:'''Snaptrap''': Darn it! Larry, you forgot to put &quot;Leave the mall&quot; on my To Do list! Is there a shark tank in this mall?
:'''Francisco''': No. But, there's a cockroach in the dirty bathroom.
:'''Snaptrap''': Larry, go stand in the dirty bathroom!
:''[Larry dreadfully obeys]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Kitty''': Dudley, there's a giant fuel tank on the bottom of the mall. If you blast it with a rocket at exactly the right time, the explosion should accelerate us into the sun's orbit and slingshot us back to Earth.
:'''Chief''': Keswick, will that actually work?
:'''Dudley''': Trust her, guys. She's got good instincts.
:''[Kitty smiles]''
:'''Mall Patron #1''': Are you crazy? She blew up my muffin!
:'''Mall Patron #2''': She ruined my day at the beach!
:'''Mall Patron #3''': She glued my cousin Francis to a moving train!
:'''Chief''': No, she didn't.
:'''Mall Patron #3''': Oh, sorry. I thought we were just yelling stuff.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Chief''': What's the temperature, Keswick?
:'''Keswick''': 112 degrees, sir. ''[his clothes burn off]'' Perfectly survivable, unless you're made of soap.
:'''Snaptrap''': ''[as Vivian melts]'' NO! Vivian, now you'll never realize your dream of living in a fancy hotel men's room!
:'''Kitty''': Cheer up, Snaptrap. Once you're back in jail, you'll have plenty of time to make ''another'' soap friend.
:'''Snaptrap''': Think again, hater of muffins and sunshine! Get her, boys!
:'''Francisco''': ''[sitting in a water fountain with Larry, trying to cool off from the heat]'' It's too hot, boss.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Snaptrap''': I will now PLOT MY REVENGE! And I'd love a copy of those photos.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Kitty''': I get the glasses, you get the pretzel.
:'''Dudley''': No I want, the glasses, the pretzel is stale.
:'''Kitty''': Give me those glasses!
:''[Dudley and Kitty hit each other and the sunglasses snap apart]''
:'''Dudley''': You broke the sunglasses! WHY, MEAN LADY?! '''WHY?!?'''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Snaptrap''': Yuck! My mom packed me pimento loaf again. ''[to Ollie, threatening to trade with him]'' Trade with me or perish! ''[takes a bite of the sandwich]'' Oh this is delicious! What is it?
:'''Ollie''': ''[hesitantly]'' Grilled cheese on cheese bread.
:'''Snaptrap''': What?! AAAGGGHHHH! I'm horribly allergic to cheese! ''[swells up]''
:'''Francisco''': Ha! A rat that's allergic to cheese!
:'''Snaptrap''': ''[bangs his fist on the table, stopping the laughing]'' SILENCE! I'm aware of the irony.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Snaptrap''': What kind of cake is this?
:'''Dudley''': It's cheesecake, Snaptrap.
:'''Snaptrap''': A cake, made of cheese?!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Kitty''': Dudley, we did it! Thanks to you, I got what I wanted for my birthday-- I caught a bad guy! ''[breaks down into tears]'' This is the greatest birthday ever!
:'''Dudley''': Well, your birthday's not over yet. What do you say we set this magnet to party?
:'''Kitty''': You set it to &quot;cow.&quot;
:''[They both start to run from the raining cows in slow-motion]''
:'''Dudley''': Happy Birthday, Kitty!

===''Toast of T.U.F.F. / Share-A-Lair [1.04]''===
:'''Chief''': Stop monkeying around, Keswick. We got a serious issue to deal with. One that threatens the very existence of T.U.F.F.: The toaster in the snack room is in the fritz!
:''[Everyone screams in horror]''
:'''Dudley''': ''[falls to the floor in despair]'' NOOOO!!! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THE FROZEN WAFFLES IN MY POCKET?!?! SOMEBODY WAKE ME FROM THIS NIGHTMARE! 
:'''Kitty''': Keswick, you have to do something! I BROUGHT TOASTER PASTRIES TODAY!! 
:'''Hologram Keswick''': Actually, Agent K-K-Katswell, I'm over there. ''[points to the real Keswick]''
:'''Everyone''': '''JUST FIX THE TOASTER!!!'''
:'''Keswick''': Alright, but I'm gonna need some time. Sorry I took so long, but I added a few u-u-u-upgrades. T.U.F.F. agents, meet R.I.T.A.!
:'''Kitty''': R.I.T.A.?
:'''R.I.T.A.''': It's an anagram for &quot;Robotic Interactive Toasting Appliance.&quot; 
:'''Keswick''': I never thought of that, I just like the name. I was also toying with Sheila, but she the f-fa-f-f-fax machine. Anyway, R.I.T.A.'s an artificially intelligent device whose prime-directed is to t-t-toast stuff.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Kitty''': Look, Chief, R.I.T.A. may have foiled the bad guys evil plans, but ''we're'' the ones who captured them!
:'''Chief''': Whoop-Dee-Doo. All you did was put the T.U.F.F. cops on Snaptrap, and the Chameleon into an empty peanut butter jar.
:'''Dudley''': ''[with a mouthful of peanut butter]'' Yeah, but someone had to eat all the peanut butter first! And without a glass of milk I might add. ''[R.I.T.A. offers him a glass of milk]'' Back off, R.I.T.A.!
:'''Chief''': Agent R.I.T.A. and I have been talking.
:'''Kitty''': &quot;Agent&quot; R.I.T.A.?!
:'''Chief''': She asked for a promotion and I gave it to her. I also threw in a parking space and her own secretary.
:'''R.I.T.A.''': ''[As Tammy gives her mug of coffee]'' Thank you, Tammy. ''[drinks her coffee]''
:'''Dudley''': So we're is supposed to work with a toaster?
:'''Chief''': No. R.I.T.A. help me find the perfect assignment for the two of you.
:''[Dudley and Kitty are serving Swedish meatballs in the cafeteria]''
:'''Kitty''': I can't believe it's come to this. 8 years of secret agent college and I'm serving Swedish meatballs in a hairnet?
:'''Dudley''': ''[scarfing down meatballs]'' I know it's humiliating. But these things are delicious.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Keswick''': Well, closing time, R.I.T.A. Great job today. You were the toast of TUFF. Now excuse me while I unplug you for the n-n-n-night.
:'''R.I.T.A.''': ''[grabs Keswick's hand from preventing to do so]'' I'm sorry Keswick, but I cannot allow you to unplug me.
:'''Keswick''': But we're an eco-friendly office. ''[grabs the plug as R.I.T.A. electrocutes him and screams in pain]''
:'''R.I.T.A.''': I run the office now, and I make the rules. Rule number one: ''No one'' turns me off.
:'''Keswick''': R.I.T.A. aren't you getting c-c-c-carried away? You work for T.U.F.F. just like everybody else.
:'''R.I.T.A.''': ''Not'' anymore.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Kitty''': ''[getting hit by paper cups]'' Ahh! Paper cups!
:'''Dudley''': ''[getting hit by paper]'' AHH! PAPER CUTS!
:'''Keswick''': ''[getting hit by paper clips]'' Ahh! Paper clips! ''[R.I.T.A. blasts a hole out of the building as she heads for the Petropolis Power station]'' R.I.T.A.'s headed for the city power grid!
:'''Chief''': You two have to stop her or Petropolis is toast!
:'''Dudley''': Toast! That's it! Keswick, didn't you say R.I.T.A.'s prime-directive is to toast?
:'''Keswick''': Oh, I think I see where you're going, Agent Puppy. You want to build a satellite operated transponder that will reprogram R.I.T.A.'s primary behavioral sequencing?
:'''Dudley''': I was just gonna tape some bread to my stomach and butt.
:'''Keswick''': Little complicated, but it could work.

===''Snapnapped / Mom-A-Geddon [1.05]''===
:'''Keswick''': ''[runs out of the Dumpin' Donuts shop with a box of donuts and heads back to headquarters]'' How humiliating. Someone of my intellect reduced to carrying a buh-b-b-box of circular fattening breakfast pastries! ''[comes to a stop; gloomed with sadness]'' Sometimes I feel like no one ap-prah-pr-pr-prah-pr-preciates me.
:''[The bus &quot;of D.O.O.M.&quot; stops at a bus stop and Snaptrap and his D.O.O.M. agents jump out]''
:'''Snaptrap''': There he is! The genius of T.U.F.F., Falswick!
:'''Keswick''': First of all, it's &quot;Keswick&quot; and w-waah-wah-what do you want, Snaptrap?
:'''Snaptrap''': I want you to come and work for me.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dudley''': PETER POPPER PIPED A POT OF PURPLE PEEPERS!
:'''Kitty''': No, let me! Peter Paper peeled a pouch of plastic pappies!
:'''Chief''': Pa pa pa pa pa pee pee pa pa pee pee pa pa! ''[groans]'' Thought I nailed it. Kitty, Dudley, focus!
:'''Dudley, Kitty and Chief''': ''[in unison]'' Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers!
:'''Keswick''': ''[recorded]'' Code phrase, accepted.
:'''Dudley''': Toff the T.O.F.F. mobile!
:'''Kitty''': You mean, to the T.U.F.F. mobile!
:'''Dudley''': Thought I nailed that.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[On the monitor screen, Dudley's mother, Peg Puppy is standing outside in front the headquarters building]''
:'''Keswick''': Security alert. There's an elderly woman outside the building. She could be a c-c-c-criminal. Activating security blasters!
:'''Dudley''': That's not a criminal. That's my mom!
:'''Peg''': ''[on screen from outside]'' Dudley, I know you're in there.
:'''Dudley''': ''[shrieks]'' We can't let her find out I'm a secret agent! If she knows I have dangerous job, she'll make me quit! I don't wanna quit, Chief! I like being a secret agent!

===''Dog Daze / Internal Affairs [1.06]''===
:'''Chief''': Holy! Now I'm giant! Finally, I can ride the rollercoaster with the big kids.... Oh, right, shrink-ray.

===''Chilly Dog / The Doomies [1.07]''===
:'''Dudley''': Kitty, my plan worked! The bad guys came after us!
:'''Kitty''': Okay, now what do we do?
:'''Dudley''': That was all I had. You know, you can contribute sometimes.
:''[A sinister giggle is heard; Dudley and Kitty see two silhouette figures stepping out of the shadows, revealing themselves to be…]''
:'''Kitty''': Wait. Snowflake and Slush? ''You're'' the bad guys?!
:'''Dudley''': The old lady must've put them up to it!
:'''Snowflake''': No, Tiffany. You see, Slush and I haven't ''won'' a skating competition. Mostly because Slush is dumber than a box hair. And I know. 'Cause I skated with a box of hair. AND IT WAS SMARTER THAN HIM! But then the hair went solo and left me hanging. The only way we could win is to eliminate everyone who's better than us. And with all y'all skaters out of the way, we're the best team left. That means the trophy is ''ours!''
:'''Dudley''': Someone's gonna find us eventually. And when they do, you two and your old lady mastermind are going down!
:'''Snowflake''': I know it's gonna find the end of y'all. ''[takes out a 5-minute timer radish-shaped bomb, laughs evilly and coughs; sets the bomb down on the ground and activates it]'' This bomb is set to go off in five minutes, just enough time for us to win the trophy, and get out of here. Come on, Slush! We got some skating to do.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Kitty''': It's all over, Snowflake! In the name of the Turbo Undercover Fighting Force, you are under arrest!
:'''Dudley''': ''[drops in, dragging in the innocent old lady turtle]'' We got the whole team now!
:'''Kitty''': Ma'am, your free to go. I'll explain it to him in the car.
:'''Dudley''': ''[acting dumb and stupid]'' I learned a lot in the car. ''[makes a dumb face]'' I like the car!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dudley''': I am ''never'' taking this off.

===''Watch Dog / Dog Dish [1.08]''===
:'''Dudley''': Snaptrap's Coffee?! Snappy Trap's Iced Tea?! Bob's Big Rat?! ''[view out to Petropolis, now ruled by Snaptrap, now named…]'' SNAPTRAPOLIS?! WHAT DID I DO?!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Keswick''': ''[seeing Dudley wearing the cone]'' HOLY COW! He looks like a snack bowl with paws!
:'''Kitty''': Keswick!
:'''Dudley''': It's fine, Kitty. I'm okay with the cone. It's kinda awesome. ''[quickly breaks into tears]'' OH, WHO AM I KIDDING?! I ''HATE'' THIS CONE! WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE SCRATCH MY RASH?!
:'''Kitty, Keswick, and the Chief''': ''[react with horror at Dudley's butt rash; in unison]'' NO!
:'''Chief''': My eyes!
:'''Dudley''': Okay, just stand there, and I'll rub my butt up against you.
:'''Chief''': Keswick, activate the rash shield!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Snaptrap''': Ooh, Larry. You're getting a ghostly wedgie!
:'''Larry''': Stop it, Snaptrap, I can totally ''see'' you.
:'''Snaptrap''': Oh, really? ''[drops Larry in the shark pit]''

===''Thunder Dog / Snap Dad [1.09]''===
:'''Ollie''': ''[answering the phone]'' Diabolical Order of Mayhem. We deliver evil in 30 minutes or it's free.
:'''Snaptrap''': Hey, it's Snaptrap. I've fallen in love with a lady dog at the laundromat, and I'm resigning as the leader of D.O.O.M. Tell Larry I'll miss him least of all. Snaptrap out forever. ''[hangs up]''
:'''Ollie''': Hey, everyone. Snaptrap quit! Dibs on his stuff!
:'''Snaptrap''': That was hard. They were devastated.

===''Iron Mutt / The Wrong Stuff [1.10]''===

===''Forget Me Mutt / Mind Trap [1.11]''===
:'''Kitty''': ''[hearing Keswick dry heaving]'' Keswick, are you all right?
:'''Keswick''': ''[nauseous]'' Not really. I'm prone to motion sickness, ''[holds up a a jar mayonnaise as his face turns green with envy]'' and that jar of warm mayonnaise I ate isn't helping. ''[dry heaves as his face turns purple]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Chief''': He's ''your'' partner! Do something, Agent Katswell!
:'''Dudley''': ''[acting as Kitty]'' Do what, Chief? Karate chop bad guys? ''[karate chops the ground]'' Act like I'm always right? Purr when the cute water delivery guy comes? ''[imitates Kitty's gestures]''
:'''Kitty''': ''[defensively]'' Uh! I ''never'' do that!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Chief''': What do we do now, Keswick?
:'''Dudley''': ''[recovers; acting as Keswick]'' I can assure you there are a number of options, none of which your p-p-puny minds can grasp. ''[Keswick grins at Kitty]'' Now if you'll excuse me, I'll get back to work on the Lady Keswick I've been building!
:'''Keswick''': How do you know about that?! ''[blatant]'' I mean, I'm not bu-bu-building a Lady Keswick.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Kitty''': Oh, no! Now we'll never figure out what's going on with Snaptrap!
:'''Dudley''': ''[recovers; acting as Snaptrap]'' It is I, Verminious Snaptrap!
:''[Kitty and Keswick groan in unison]''
:'''Chief''': ''[in unison]'' Oh, brother.
:'''Dudley''': And now, to make my ''daring'' escape! ''[runs to the elevator]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dudley''': Guys, are you okay?! Speak to me! It's Dudley!
:'''Keswick, Chief, and Kitty''': ''[all recovering, acting like Dudley; in unison]'' No, ''I'm'' Dudley!
:'''Dudley''': Wait for me!
:'''Dudley, Kitty, Keswick and Chief''': ''[as bugs fly into their noses; in unison]'' AH! BUG UP THE NOSE!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Keswick''': Behold, my new high tech mind reading device. It allows whoever w-wears it to hear the thoughts of anyone close by.
:''[Kitty snatches it out of his hands and puts it on as she listens to the Chief's thoughts]''
:'''Chief''': ''Okay, she's reading my mind. Don't think about how gross her cookies are. Don't think about how gross her cookies are.''
:'''Kitty''': ''[suprised with anger]'' I knew it! You ''hate'' my cookies!
:'''Dudley''': Wow, Chief. Do you hate Christmas, too? Let's see what Mr. Critical thinks of me. ''[puts the helmet on his head]''
:'''Chief''': ''[as Dudley picks his nose]'' ''Oh, man. Agent Puppy is a total slob.''
:'''Dudley''': You think I'm a slob?!
:'''Keswick''': ''[takes the helmet away]'' Stop. Clearly you lack the self esteem to w-w-wear this. Though that's not surprising. Recent psychological studies indicate that…
:'''Chief''': ''Oh, man. Put a sock in it, Dr. Boring.''
:'''Keswick''': ''[fully hurt]'' Well, that stings. Fortunately, I'm too m-m-m-mature to resort to name calling. Now if you'll excuse me, ''[starts tearing up]'' Dr. Boring is going to perform a heart transplant. 'CAUSE MINE'S BROKEN! ''[walks away sobbing as Kitty and Dudley glare annoyingly at the Chief]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Keswick''': I'd comment but, Dr. Boring doesn't make house calls. ''[breaks into tears]'' Cry, weep, sob!
:'''Kitty''': You wouldn't want to celebrate with somebody who make gross cookies.
:'''Dudley''': Or a slob like me! That cut like a knife.

===''Frisky Business / Hot Dog [1.12]''===
:'''Wolf Spitzer''': ''[shivering with his tail all frozen]'' This is Wolf Spitzer freezing my tail off at the Petropolis Dog Show. Tonight, the city's most perfect pooch will win the grand prize, their very own mailman.
:'''Keswick''': ''[turns off the news channel]'' What kind of self-absorbed doofus would enter a dog show?

===''Kid Stuff / Super Duper Crime Busters [1.13]''===

===''Disobedience School / The Dog Who Cried Fish [1.14]''===

===''The Rat Pack / Booby Trap [1.15]''===
:'''Dudley''': You can't fight it, Snaptrap! You got the music in you!
:'''Snaptrap''': ''[straining to resist the dance]'' Must…be…STRONG! ''[Dudley pushes the dance floor button on the boom box, smashes it on the ground, lighting up the dance floor]'' Oh, no! GOTTA DANCE!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dudley''': ''[worn out]'' Man, I'm pooped.
:'''Dudley clones''': Ha! He said poop!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Petropolis convention center; Bird Brain and co. arrive in their Whirly Bird helicopter for the International Booby Con]''
:'''Bird Brain''': ''[laughs]'' Hey! Hey! Here we are at the First Annual Blue-Bottomed Booby Convention! I hope we can get a seat. It's going to be packed! ''[the convention center is completely empty as he, Zippy, and his henchmen enter]'' Or not. I thought there'd be blue-bottomed boobies ''everywhere!''
:'''Owl''': Who?
:'''Bird Brain''': Boobies!
:'''Bat''': Where?
:'''Bird Brain''': HERE, at the convention! Oh Zippy, I am so disappointed. And not just because my henchmen are idiots. It appears that I'm the ''only'' blue-bottomed booby, in existence!
:'''Zippy''': Look on the bright side boss, you can be the first in line at the buffet. ''[Bird Brain looks over to the buffet and see that Owl and Bat are already there]'' Or third.
:'''Bird Brain''': Save me some lox, Owl!
:'''Owl''': Who?
:'''Bird Brain''': ''ME!''
:'''Bat''': Where?
:'''Bird Brain''': ''[jumps]'' At the buffet table! What I wouldn't give for a taser right now!
:'''Zippy''': You know, boss, there is another advantage to being the only blue-bottomed booby.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Bird Brain''': This is wonderful! I'm above the law! I ''love'' being the only booby!
:'''Unnamed Booby''': ''[appears]'' Greetings, fellow booby! ''[suddenly and inexplicably tied to a rocket outside the convention, via, Bird Brain]''
:'''Bird Brain''': Hello, and GOOD-BYE! After a brief scare, I'm once again the only blue-bottomed booby! Now, to hatch my most diabolical plan ever…right after I hit the buffet table and build my own sundae.

===''Snappy Campers / Lucky Duck [1.16]''===
:''[Dudley arrives at the Network President's house and rings the doorbell]''
:'''Network President''': ''[answers the door]'' Can I help you?
:'''Dudley''': Good news, Mr. Network President. You get to go in the quack sack! ''[the president annoyingly closes the door]'' He's probably just getting a jacket. ''[kicks the door open and enters the house]'' Hello! ''[puts the president in the sack and runs to the T.U.F.F. mobile]'' Don't thank me. Thank Quacky.

===''The Curse of King Mutt / Bored of Education [1.17]''===
:'''Bird Brain''': Well played, Agent Puppy. But I knew it was you all along.
:'''Snaptrap''': Yeah, that's why you led that heroic charge into the Ancient Greek trash compactor.
:'''Chameleon''': Quit fighting and let's make a run for it!
:'''Kitty''': Dudley, it's time to take out the trash!
:'''Chameleon''': Ooh, I hope we can get the same cell. Then we'll ''really'' get to bond. Can I get a &quot;team evil?&quot;
:'''Bird Brain''': No, please! Put me in solitary!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Kitty''': ''[in high-pitched voice]'' Wait kids, think about your future!
:'''Dudley''': ''[laughs in high-pitched voice]'' Kitty, you sound funny! Hey, listen to me! I'm Tiny Dudley! A little secret agent who lives in a thimble, and eats mini-mini waffles! Now you say something.
:'''Kitty''': I hear a beeping sound.

===''Guard Dog / Dog Save the Queen [1.18]''===

===''Doom and Gloom / Law and Ordor [1.19]''===
:''[3 to 5 years later, D.O.O.M. headquarters; The agents, in their prison uniforms walk in]''
:'''Snaptrap''': ''[upbeat]'' Well, that was a rough three to five years. I wonder if this carton of milk I left on the table is still good. DRINK IT, FRANCISCO! ''[Francisco drinks the spoiled milk, gets sick as his face turns green and collapses]'' Let's go steal some more milk at grocery store! I'll call T.U.F.F. and tell them.
:'''Larry''': Snaptrap, don't you get it by now? We keep on getting caught 'cause you always tell T.U.F.F. our plans!
:'''Snaptrap''': ''[in denial]'' I'm sorry Larry. I can't hear you FROM THE SHARK TANK! ''[pulls the lever, opening the shark tank underneath Larry and the sharks begin mauling him]'' Wow, you can really tell the sharks haven't eaten in three to five years.
:'''Larry''': ''[climbing out of the shark tank; fed up with anger]'' That's it! I've had enough! You're a big, stinky bully, and I quit! ''[walks off with purpose]''
:'''Snaptrap''': Sticks and stones, LARRY! Seriously, guys. Throw sticks and stones at him!
:''[Ollie and Francisco throw sticks and stones at Larry as he exits]''
:'''Larry''': OW! My bones!
:'''Snaptrap''': I have exciting news fellas! With Larry gone, you two get to take turns in the shark tank.
:'''Ollie''': ''[as he and Francisco look at each other and make a run for it]'' Wait up, Larry!
:'''Snaptrap''': ''[digs into his pockets]'' Darn it! I'm out of sticks and stones! Well, who needs those losers? I'm the only smart one around here anyway.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Larry''': ''[on-screen]'' It is I, Larry, leader of Genius Larry's Order of Mayhem, otherwise known as: &quot;G.L.O.O.M.&quot;
:'''Dudley''': No offense, but &quot;Larry's&quot; not a very scary name.
:'''Larry''': Oh, all right. Then from now on, call me…''Murray!''
:''[Kitty and Chief gasp in shock]''
:'''Chief''': Okay, Murray, you've got our attention. Now, just tell us your diabolical plan, so we can arrest you go out for brunch.
:'''Larry (Murray)''': Ahh! But that's the twist. I'm not gonna tell you my diabolical plan. Murray, out!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Larry (Murray)''': Attention, T.U.F.F. nitwits! It is I, ''Murray!'' ''[Kitty and Chief gasp]'' I'm here to tell you about my diabolical plan!
:'''Chief''': Thank you, Murray, you've made one middle-aged flea very happy!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Keswick''': I've received intel that the Stink Bug is on the loose!
:'''Dudley''': Who's the Stink Bug?
:'''Keswick''': A diabolical bug villain who stinks. Duh! It's right in his name! Because of his rancid smell, we r-ruh-ran him out of town.
:'''Chief''': Actually, we just told him to take a shower, but he made a big stink about it and left, vowing revenge!
:'''Keswick''': Well, he's back, and he's robbing the Limburger Chuh-Chuh-Cheese Factory.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Stink Bug''': I told you, I DON'T shower! ''[gets in Percival's face]'' YOU ARE THE ''WORST'' EVIL INTERN EVER!
:'''Percival''': Oh, evil intern? I must've missed that in the job description.

===''A Doomed Christmas [1.20]''===

===''Big Dog on Campus / Dog's Best Friend [1.21]''===

===''Mission: Really Big Mission [1.22]''===

===''Monkey Business / Diary of a Mad Cat [1.23]''===

===''Dudley Do-Wrong / Puppy Unplugged [1.24]''===

===''Top Dog / Quack in The Box [1.25]''===
:''[Kitty, Keswick, and all the agents are injured by Dudley pouncing on them from getting his lasagna]''
:'''Kitty''': ''[typing on her computer]'' Wow. Dudley is a terrible chief. Luckily, all of the city's worst villains are out of commission.
:'''Keswick''': Are they in jail?
:'''Kitty''': No, they're at an evil softball tournament in Petsburgh.
:''[Snaptrap, Bird Brain, and the Chameleon are seen playing there]''
:'''Snaptrap''': I stole home! Seriously, I stole it. I also swiped the ref's watch. Start the car, Larry!
:'''Keswick''': Well, if all the bad guys are out there playing softball, then there's nothing to worry about.
:''[Lightning flashes over the city and the face of a new villain appears]''
:'''Meerkat''': It's time to give Petropolis something to worry about! I call to order the first meeting of the Fiendish League of Potential Perpetrators: &quot;F.L.O.P.P.!&quot; Role call! Meerkat, oh that's me. And I'll have you know I'm no mere cat, I'm the MEERKAT! Get it, Mere Cat, ''[pulls out a sign with 'Mere Cat' at the top and 'Meerkat' at the bottom]'' see the difference. You kinda have to write it down. ''[throws the sign away]'' Moving on…Wanna-Bee?
:'''Wanna-Bee''': I'm here and I wanna be bad!
:'''Meerkat''': Oooh, I like your moxy. Missing Lynx, eh missing as usual. Fiddler Crab? ''[Fiddler Crab plays a fiddle note but one of the strings snap and hit him in the eye]'' Oh, that's a snappy ditty. Escape Goat?
:'''Escape Goat''': I'm here, and I'm forming my greatest escape yet! Has anyone seen a tiny key?!
:'''Meerkat''': Time to brainstorm a fiendish plan!
:'''Wanna-Bee''': Yeah! Let's do something super bad! ''[falls into the creamer]''
:'''Meerkat''': Oh, dear, he's fallen in the creamer! Someone throw him a swizzle stick!
:'''Escape Goat''': Here's an evil plan. Why don't we dine and dash? Ha-ha!
:'''Meerkat''': Ooh, that's super evil! Let's do it!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Chief''': You're going to jail, F.L.O.P.P.!
:'''Meerkat''': Oh, goody! Do you hear that, boys? We're going to jail like real criminals! ''[realizes]'' Oh, no! We're going to jail like ''real'' criminals!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Wolf Spitzer''': Wolf Spitzer here with beloved children's TV host, ''and'' convicted felon, Quacky the Duck. We're at the grand opening of Quacky's new restaurant; Quack in the Box.
:'''Quacky''': Hey, kids! You're gonna love what's on the menu. It's better than prison food and I should know.
:'''Sharing Moose''': I'm only gonna say this once, &quot;Eat here or else!&quot;
:'''Quacky''': Okay, Sharing Moose. Save that charm for the drive-thru window.
:'''Chief''': Quacky's got a restaurant? Let's hurry and beat the crowd!
:'''Keswick''': Looks like the Sharing Moose is already doing that.
:'''Sharing Moose''': I said get in line, grandma!
:'''Kitty''': I can't believe you guys are buying this. Do I need to remind you that Quacky tied me and Dudley to a rocket and fired us into space?
:'''Keswick''': Kitty, you have to learn to forgive and forget.
:'''Kitty''': Really? I bet Dudley hasn't forgiven or forgotten. Right, Dudley?

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dudley''': I'LL BE BACK AS SOON AS I LAND!
:'''Sharing Moose''': Well done, Quacky. Things are going just like we planned.
:'''Quacky''': Yeah! Once I activate those quacktion figures, they'll destroy every other fast food restaurant in Petropolis and make it look like Agent Puppy did it! ''[quickly realizes]'' Whoops! I said that over the drive-thru microphone.
:'''Sharing Moose''': ''[tosses the customer his meal and the customer drives away]'' Don't worry. I didn't put the stomach medicine in his sloppy meal. He'll never make it out of the parking lot.
:'''Customer''': ''[throws up and crashes]'' I'm gonna need an extra napkin!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dudley''': KITTY! DID YOU SEE ME ON TV?!
:'''Kitty''': I can't believe you're still into Quacky. He's a deranged lunatic who tried to annihilate us. Ooh! The Math Moth! He taught me long division and how to eat a wool sweater.
:'''Keswick''': Boy, Quacky's food really hits the spot. It's just the right blend of farming pesticides and irradiated artificial meat filler.
:'''Chief''': Whoa, Agent Puppy! Is that the Phonics Fox? You know, I've always had a crush on her. How do I look?
:'''Keswick''': Uh, Chief, you know she's not real.
:'''Chief''': Just because she's a lifeless plastic toy doesn't mean she's not real.
:'''Keswick''': That's exactly what it means. Looks like somebody needs to talk to the Sanity Seagull.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Wolf Spitzer''': Wolf Spitzer here. Agent Puppy, did you destroy Argh-by's because you're a crazed Quacky the Duck fan and want to eliminate the competition?
:'''Dudley''': What? No! That's ridic-- 
:''[Kitty falls on him]''
:'''Wolf Spitzer''': There you have it. Proof positive that it's raining cats.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Snaptrap''': ''[after Dudley passes out from hyperventilating too much]'' Boy, he really is an idiot.

===''Lie Like A Dog / Cold Fish [1.26]''===

==''Season 2''==

===''Freaky Spy Day / Dog Tired [2.01]''===
:'''Dudley''': ''[in Kitty's body after switching brains]'' It worked! Now as far as anyone knows, I'm Kitty. And that's just me sleeping on floor again. Now to make a date with Jack. ''[calls Jack's number; makes a bad imitating of Kitty]'' Hi, Jack. It's Kitty. I got your message.
:'''Jack''': Kitty, what's wrong with your voice?
:'''Dudley/Kitty''': Uh, I have a fur ball in my throat because I'm a cat and not a dog with my brain inside a cat's body. ''[nervously laughs]'' Wanna meet for lunch?
:'''Jack''': Love to. Meet me at 12:00 at our Our Old Hangout.
:'''Dudley/Kitty''': Ummm...I don't remember where that is, and not because I'm just pretending to be Kitty and don't know you that well. ''[laughs nervously]''
:'''Jack''': Actually, we've never been there before. &quot;Our Old Hangout&quot; is the name of a new restaurant on main street. I'll see you there.
:'''Dudley/Kitty''': Beware Jack Rabbit. There's a new Kitty in town, and her name is Dumpley Puppy! ''[falls to the floor]'' Aah! I twisted my ankle!
:''[Our Old Hangout restaurant, Jack is sitting at a booth waiting for Kitty (Dudley in Kitty's body) to arrive]''
:'''Dudley/Kitty''': Hi, Jackie-poo! ''[has trouble walking in Kitty's boots and trips on Jack]'' Sorry, I'm late. I had to put on my lady face. ''[giggles]''
:'''Jack''': Kitty, It's good to see you. I thought about you a lot while I was in the slammer.
:'''Dudley/Kitty''': Well, you ''deserved'' to be in jail. ''[slaps Jack in the face]''
:'''Jack''': ''[points to his convertible car outside]'' Actually, The slammer is my high powered European sports car. It's an XJ5 Convertible.
:'''Dudley/Kitty''': Yeah? Well, your fancy car doesn't impress me. I only came here to tell you, I want ''nothing'' to do with you! Oh, and to do this! ''[splashes a glass of water in Jack's face]'' And this! ''[squirts ketchup in his face]'' And maybe this too! ''[pushes a stick of butter on his forehead]'' And don't bother wiping your face, 'cause I never want to see it again!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dudley/Kitty''': Just so you know, after my free lunch, free dessert, and free to-go order, I never wanna see you again!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dudley/Kitty''': ''[on the phone]'' I'd like to order a dune buggy, and a pot roast the size of a dune buggy.
:'''Kitty/Dudley''': Dudley, have you gone crazy?! Why did you trade brians with me?
:'''Dudley/Kitty''': Keep your shirt on! I don't want my Chinese noodles to fall out. ''[Kitty groans at him with anger]'' Look, I know you're mad, but I did it to protect you from Jack Rabbit. I was afraid he'd try and do something bad to you again. But as it turns out, he's an awesome guy who just left his sunglasses in the top secret T.U.F.F. computer room.
:'''Kitty/Dudley''': What?! Jack's back?! Dudley, he used his charms to trick you!
:'''Dudley/Kitty''': Actually, he used it to buy me a dune buggy. I ''love'' him, Kitty!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Snaptrap''': ''[in Kitty's body]'' Wow! I can get even bigger tips now!
:'''Dudley''': Hi-YAH! ''[punches Snaptrap in the nose, knocking him out]'' Take that, Snaptrap! ''[to Kitty, in Snaptrap's body]'' Sorry, Kitty. I think I broke your nose.
:'''Jack''': ''[comes out of the top secret computer room]'' The list is on this flash drive, Snaptrap.
:'''Kitty''': ''[imitating Snaptrap's voice]'' Yeah. That's who I am. Snaptrap and not a girl cat in a really gross rat's body. Are there noodles in my shirt? Do all guys do this?
:'''Jack''': ''[tosses the flash drive in Snaptrap's (Kitty's) hands]'' You've got your list. Now, give me my money.
:'''Kitty''': No chance, Jack. 'Cause I'm not really Snaptrap. ''[picks up the Brain Switcher; in normal voice]'' I'm Kitty Katswell!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Mr. Wong''': Dudley Puppy, you crossed the ''Wong'' guy! Get it? 'Cause my name is Wong.
:'''Kitty''': You know, this ''is'' a secret agency. We really should lock the door.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Dudley''': ''[in Jack's body; imitating Jack's voice]'' Here's my credit card, Mr. Wong. It should cover all the food Dudley ate. And all the food he's planning to eat in the future.
:'''Mr. Wong''': ''[takes the credit card]'' Thank you, wise and handsome stranger. ''[leaves the building]''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Snaptrap''': ''[sitting in his chair, wearing his bunny slippers and robe; bummed]'' Woe is me. ''[sighs depressingly]''
:'''Ollie''': Oh, are you depressed, boss?
:'''Snaptrap''': Well, yes. Also, I've changed my name to &quot;Woe.&quot;
:'''Larry''': What's wrong, Snaptrap?
:'''Snaptrap''': ''[shouting angrily]'' IT'S &quot;WOE&quot;, LARRY!

===''Pup Daddy / Candy Cane-ine [2.02]''===
:'''Elderly Kitty''': Dudley, what have you done?!
:'''Elderly Chief''': Get him!

===''Bark to the Future / Lights, Camera, Quacktion [2.03]''===
:'''Kitty''': Keep working, Keswick. Here's a piece of pizza. ''[slides a slice of pizza under the door]''
:'''Kewsick''': I CAN'T REACH THE PIZZA! Oh, su-su-su-SURE! I guess I'll just STARVE!!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Access Hollywolf; Wolf Spitzer is interviewing Quacky the Duck and Sharing Moose]''
:'''Wolf Spitzer''': Wolf Spitzer here for Access Hollywolf. I'm with former kid show host and convicted felon, Quacky the Duck, and his scary partner, the Sharing Moose. They are out of prison and making their first feature film.
:'''Quacky''': Which is definitely a real movie, and not a villainy cover up for heinous crimes.
:'''Sharing Moose''': That's right. I spent a year in solitary writing the screenplay.
:'''Quacky''': Seriously? You actually wrote a real screenplay?
:'''Sharing Moose''': It's a touch in celebration of life. And if the actors mess it up, they will never forget the taste of my FIST!
:'''Wolf Spitzer''': And who are these lucky actors of what you speak?
:'''Quacky''': Well, Wolf, we cast three local suckers, I mean, local citizens in the starring roles.
:'''Kitty''': ''[turns off the screen]'' What kind of idiots would wanna star in a Quacky the Duck movie?
:''[Elevator doors open]''
:'''Dudley''': KITTY, WE'RE STARRING IN A QUACKY THE DUCK MOVIE!

===''Happy Howl-O-Ween [2.04]''===

===''Bark to Nature / Mutts and Bolts [2.05]''===

===''Dog House / Time Waits for No Mutt [2.06]''===

===''Mud with Power / Legal Beagle [2.07]''===

===''Hush Puppy / Quacky Birthday [2.08]''===

===''Sheep Dog / Mom's Away [2.09]''===

===''Love Bird / Bluff Puppy [2.10]''===
:'''Meerkat''': At last, sweet freedom! Now the members of F.L.O.P.P., the Fiendish League of Potential Perpetrators, can be reunited in crime! Right, Wanna-Bee?
:'''Wanna-Bee''': Yeah! 'Cause I wanna be bad!
:'''Escape Goat''': So do I, but how can we commit crimes without going back to jail?!
:'''Wanna-Bee''': We could rob each other, and not press charges!
:'''Meerkat''': I have a better idea. I've contacted an old friend who leads the exciting life of a super villain, but has never gone to jail.
:'''Escape Goat''': What's his secret?
:'''Meerkat''': He's never actually committed a crime. Oh, he threatens to, but it's always a bluff. Fellow members of F.L.O.P.P., meet the Bluffalo!
:'''Bluffalo''': Hello, look at me. I'm parked in a handicapped space in a stolen van. Just kidding. I'm legally parked, and I'm leasing this.
:'''Meerkat''': I told you he was good.
:'''Bluffalo''': With my help, you will be able to terrorize Petropolis with empty threats, and never go to prison. Now, who wants some stolen pizza? I'm bluffing. I paid for it, and left a 20% tip. ''[giggles]''

===''Rat Trap / Agent of the Year [2.11]''===

===''Barking Tall / Bad Eggs [2.12]''===

===''Carbon Copies / TUFF Cookies [2.13]''===
:'''Dudley''': Thanks for having a snowball fight with me, Mr. President of the United States. ''[gets hit in the face with a snowball]''
:'''Simulated Eagle President''': You're welcome, Dudley. And since we're best friends now you can call me, &quot;Mr. United States.&quot;

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Simulated Michael Crane''': It's always a pleasure to hang out with my best friend, Dudley Puppy.
:'''Dudley''': This is awesome! I have so many famous bird friends!
:'''Keswick''': Agent Puppy, get out of the simulation station.
:'''Dudley''': Come on, Keswick. This is your coolest invention ever! Whatever I imagine in here becomes real! In fact, could you come in here for a second? I'd like to imagine you not bothering me.
:'''Keswick''': Agent Puppy, I created the simulation station to ''train'' agents for dangerous, real-life situations, not so you could good off with a has-been actor and a lame duck president.
:'''Dudley''': He's not a duck. He's an eagle. Besides, Kitty said it was okay.
:'''Simulated Kitty''': I did. I think everything Dudley does is okay, if not amazing.
:'''Keswick''': That is not the real Agent Katswell.
:'''Dudley''': I know. I call her, &quot;agreeable Kitty.&quot; She's ''way'' better. ''[sees the real Kitty and gets startled]''
:'''Kitty''': Better, Dudley? How is ''she'' better?
:'''Dudley''': Well, for one thing, she doesn't scare me like you just did. Also, her head is a gumball machine.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Chief''': Agent Puppy, I'm only gonna ask you this once. Did you take Keswick's coffee cup? ''[Keswick whispers to him; shocked]'' He did ''what?!'' That's ''way'' worse! Agents Puppy and Katswell, go get that simulated Michael Crane, and bring him back to T.U.F.F.! Keswick, go put agreeable Kitty back in the simulation station.
:'''Keswick''': One second, Chief. I'm trying to get a cherry gumball. ''[Agreeable Kitty explodes]'' The gumballs were all backed up.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Keswick''': ''[eating an Animal Quacker]'' These taste like sugar cookies!
:'''Kitty''': Don't tell anyone I said this, but these are even better than my Carp Tarts!
:'''Bill''': I'm from the Carp Tarts company, and I heard that. You're fired, Ms. Katswell.
:'''Kitty''': You've been spying on me?!
:'''Bill''': The Carp Tarts company checks up on all their spokespeople. ''[chuckles]'' Oh, boy, hiding behind a ficus sure works up an appetite. ''[eats an Animal Quacker]'' Mm! Man, these ''are'' better than Carp Tarts! ''[chuckles]'' I can say that, 'cause no one's spying on me.
:'''Executive''': Wrong, Bill! You're FIRED!
:'''Bill''': ''[disappointed]'' Oh, great. Now I gotta go sell board games in the alley. ''[walks away, moping]''
:'''Dudley''': I'm sorry you lost your spokesperson job, Kitty, but the important thing is, I still have mine. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to use my super deep TV voice to sell more cookies!

===''Subliminal Criminal / Acting T.U.F.F. [2.14]''===

===''Close Encounters of the Doomed Kind / Golden Retriever [2.15]''===
:'''Chief''': Okay, I've had some time to get over the mop. And I've decided I can't get over the mop. So we're going after it! Keswick, break out the heavy artillery.
:'''Keswick''': I would, Chief. But the key to activate the weapon system is in Kitty's purse. Just kidding, it's in my fanny pack.
:'''Chief''': ''[laughs]'' Yeah, good one, Keswick.

===''Til Doom Do Us Part [2.16]''===

===''Crime Takes a Holiday / Flower Power [2.17]''===
:''[Bird Brain and Zippy are both standing in front of the Brawny Booby clothing store]''
:'''Zippy''': Bird Brain, why are robbing the Brawny Booby? You always rob the Big-Bottomed Booby.
:'''Bird Brain''': Because Zippy, I've made a serum out of the Bird of Powerdise flower! Once I take it, I'll be young, handsome, and I'll feel out a muscle shirt like no booby's business! There may be some freaky side effects like: uncontrollable skipping, and the inability to pronounce the letter &quot;R.&quot; But, blue bottoms up! ''[gulps down the serum and grows a full head of hair and a stylish muscular body]'' Now, look at me. I'm WIPPED! Oh, dear. I sound widiculous. No matter, I look like a gweek god! Hooway! ''[skips inside the Brawny Booby]'' Evewybody out! This is a wobbewy! ''[all the other boobys are confused; sighs in frustration]'' A bugwugwy?! Just get out! ''[puts on a pair of skinny jeans]'' Oh, this is fantastic. Finally, I can get into skinny jeans without gweasing my waist with butter.

===''The Spelling Bee / House Broken [2.18]''===

===''T.U.F.F. Choices / Sob Story [2.19]''===

===''T.U.F.F. Sell / Tattle Tale [2.20]''===
:'''Meerkat''': I hereby call to order this meeting of F.L.O.P.P.: The Fiendish League of Potential Perpatrators!
:'''Escape Goat''': It's just me, Meerkat. You don't have to yell. Also, I know what F.L.O.P.P. stands for.
:'''Meerkat''': ''[annoyed]'' You know, Escape Goat, you've got quite an attitude for someone who couldn't even escape from the shower this morning!

===''True Spies / Bagel and the Beast [2.21]''===
:'''Keswick''': Mmm. Chief, this three-bean salad you made is delicious!
:'''Chief''': Thanks. Although to tell you the truth, I didn't make it. I just took it out of the refrigerator. There's all kinds of stuff in here.
:'''Keswick''': ''[stammering]'' Wait a minute. This is my spill the beans salad! It's just as powerful as my truth syrup, but with fewer calories!
:'''Chief''': Oh, no! Truth beans give me gas. To be honest, I always have gas, but I blame it on Agent Puppy.
:'''Keswick''': I never have gas. I'm an alien. Oops!
:'''Chief''': Keswick, are you really an alien?
:'''Keswick''': No. Yes. I'm hiding out on Earth because I'm wanted on my own planet for cooking stinky fish at work. Super strict planet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[News footage on the screen monitor shows three police cars in front of a house robbery]''
:'''Wolf Spitzer''': This is Wolf Spitzer with breaking news. There are reports that Bigfoot-- yes, Bigfoot-- has robbed this strangely familiar home behind me. Wait, that's ''my'' house!
:'''Daughter Spitzer''': ''[tapping her father's shoulder]'' Daddy, Bigfoot-- yes, Bigfoot stole my video games!
:'''Wolf Spitzer''': Well, sweetie, that's no big deal.
:'''Mrs. Spitzer''': He also stole your golf clubs.
:'''Wolf Spitzer''': That monster! Bigfoot must be hunted down and ''DESTROYED!''
:'''Dudley''': This is ridiculous! Bigfoot would never hurt anyone! He's kind, and generous, and he has a heart as big as his foot.
:'''Kitty''': How would you know that, Dudley?
:'''Dudley''': Because he came to comfort me when I was a kid after my mom sent me to bed without dessert. I didn't do anything wrong when we were just out of dessert.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dudley''': ''[whispering]'' Why is he talking to a mic?
:'''Wolf Spitzer''': ''[annoyed]'' This is Wolf Spitzer saying you whispered that to ''me.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dudley''': ''[consoling Bigfoot]'' I'll figure out some way to get you out of here, buddy. I just need to think. Thinking is hard. Maybe I'll just make some hot chocolate. That's hard too. Or maybe I'll just sit here. ''[jumps and sits down on the floor]'' Ah, the floor is hard.
:'''Wolf Spitzer''': ''[on screen monitor]'' This is Wolf Spitzer saying Bigfoot has struck again! And this time, he's teamed up with the beloved former show pony, Shenanigans. Yes, Shenanigans.
:'''Dudley''': Hey, look, Bigfoot. You're on TV. Wait. You're ''on'' TV. That means… ''[groans]'' more thinking. No, wait, I've got it. You're innocent! That means you're innocent!

===''Dancin' Machine / The Good, The Bad and The Quacky [2.22]''===

===''Pup Goes The Weasel / Puppy Pause [2.23]''===

===''Match Me If You Can / Organized Crime [2.24]''===
:'''Kitty''': ''[sobbing along with Dudley]'' We're never gonna get Tammy back!
:'''Chief''': ''[sobbing]'' I give anything to hear Tammy's voice one more time!

===''A Tale of Two Kitties / Pup in the Air [2.25]''===

===''Girlfriend or Foe? / Scared Wit-Less [2.26]''===

==''Season 3''==

===''T.U.F.F. Break Up [3.01]''===

===''T.U.F.F. Love / Soar Loser [3.02]''===
:''[T.U.F.F. headquarters; Tammy is in the elevator putting makeup on, the elevator doors open, revealing Keswick laying on a floating pink cloud with hearts in his eyes, staring dreamily at her]''
:'''Keswick''': Morning, Tammy! ''[Tammy screams]'' I've been on Cloud 9 since I met you. Cloud 9 is the name of the hovering platform I built to be closer to your face. ''[Tammy closes the elevator doors on his nose]'' Love hurts.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Chief''': Let me guess, Tammy trouble?
:'''Keswick''': Yeah. It just seems my wooing isn't working.
:'''Dudley''': Well, maybe Kitty can give you some girl advice. She's kind of a girl.
:'''Kitty''': ''[flicks Dudley in the ear]'' Thanks, Dudley. And you're kind of a secret agent. So, how exactly have you been wooing her, Keswick?
:'''Keswick''': Well let's see, I snuck into her house, then wrote &quot;I love you&quot; on her bathroom mirror in ketchup.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Keswick''': Agent Puppy, this is a nightmare!
:'''Dudley''': You're telling me. I really wanted that lemon cream donut.
:'''Keswick''': I'm never gonna win Tammy over.
:'''Dudley''': You just gotta keep trying, Keswick. I know women, and the one thing they love is being desperately pursued by a guy they're ''not'' interested in.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Petropolis Hospital; Snaptrap and Bird Brain are recovering after being beaten by Tammy]''
:'''Snaptrap''': Well, this is humiliating.
:'''Bird Brain''': You're telling me. Two respected thespians, such as ourselves, reduced to being beaten up by a girl?!
:'''Snaptrap''': No, I was talking about my hospital gown. It doesn't close in the back.
:'''Bird Brain''': We should give that Tammy a taste of her own medicine.
:'''Snaptrap''': Sorry, I'm gonna need all my medicine. She really kicked my butt. Which as I mentioned, it's the only part of me this robe isn't covering.

===''Dead or a Lie / Tourist Trap [3.03]''===

===''Hide and Ghost Seek / Cod Squad [3.04]''===

===''Barking Bad / Smarty Pants [3.05]''===

===''Great Scott / To Be or Not to Bee [3.06]''===
:'''Wanna-Bee''': Wait! The Rumble Bee?! That's my brother, the one who went to the Amazon without me! ''[groans]'' He must've been sprayed by those scientists and turned into a killer bee! THIS IS SO UNFAIR! ''[to Dudley and Kitty]'' The Rumble Bee doesn't need to be a killer bee. ''[to the viewers]'' He's already super bad! HE'S A MONSTER!

===''While the Cats Away / Sweet Revenge [3.07]''===

===''Puff Puppy / Stressed to Kill [3.08]''===

[[Category:American comedy TV shows]]</text>
      <sha1>28792w7axw58w7ucw91niwpva97lvmc</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Ersin Tatar</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>245067</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153665</id>
      <parentid>3124556</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T20:37:36Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Kurmanbek</username>
        <id>1891506</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
      <comment>([[c:GR|GR]])  [[File:Ersin Tatar in 2019.png]] → [[File:Ilham Aliyev received President of the Turkish Republic of Northern Cyprus in Konya (1) (cropped).jpg]]</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1198" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Ilham Aliyev received President of the Turkish Republic of Northern Cyprus in Konya (1) (cropped).jpg|thumb|Ersin Tatar in 2019]]

'''[[w:Ersin Tatar|Ersin Tatar]]''' (born [[7 September]] [[1960]]) is a [[w:Northern Cyprus|Cypriot Turk]] politician who currently serves as the the 5th [[w:President of Northern Cyprus|President of Northern Cyprus]] since 23 October 2020. He previously served as the Prime Minister of Northern Cyprus in 2019–2020.

{{political-stub}}

==Quotes==
* The existence of the Turkish Republic of Northern Cyprus is essential for the sovereignty of [[Turkey]]. With no outcome reached in 50 years, it is no longer possible to hold negotiations on a federal structure in [[Cyprus]].
** Ersin Tatar (2022) cited in: &quot;[https://www.dailysabah.com/politics/eu-affairs/northern-cyprus-existence-vital-for-turkeys-security-tatar Northern Cyprus’ existence vital for Turkey’s security: Tatar]&quot; in ''Daily Sabah'', 21 January 2022.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commons category}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Tatar, Ersin}}
[[Category:1960 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:People from North Cyprus]]
[[Category:Heads of government]]
[[Category:Heads of state]]</text>
      <sha1>3dv9e6eovfzt0dow3v8idvjn6tw1e33</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153803</id>
      <parentid>3153665</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-12T04:09:36Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>CommonsDelinker</username>
        <id>13873</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Replacing Ilham_Aliyev_received_President_of_the_Turkish_Republic_of_Northern_Cyprus_in_Konya_(1)_(cropped).jpg with [[File:Ersin_Tatar_in_Konya,_July_2022_(cropped).jpg]] (by [[:c:User:CommonsDelinker|CommonsDelinker]] because: [[:c:COM:FR|File renamed]]</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1142" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Ersin Tatar in Konya, July 2022 (cropped).jpg|thumb|Ersin Tatar in 2019]]

'''[[w:Ersin Tatar|Ersin Tatar]]''' (born [[7 September]] [[1960]]) is a [[w:Northern Cyprus|Cypriot Turk]] politician who currently serves as the the 5th [[w:President of Northern Cyprus|President of Northern Cyprus]] since 23 October 2020. He previously served as the Prime Minister of Northern Cyprus in 2019–2020.

{{political-stub}}

==Quotes==
* The existence of the Turkish Republic of Northern Cyprus is essential for the sovereignty of [[Turkey]]. With no outcome reached in 50 years, it is no longer possible to hold negotiations on a federal structure in [[Cyprus]].
** Ersin Tatar (2022) cited in: &quot;[https://www.dailysabah.com/politics/eu-affairs/northern-cyprus-existence-vital-for-turkeys-security-tatar Northern Cyprus’ existence vital for Turkey’s security: Tatar]&quot; in ''Daily Sabah'', 21 January 2022.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commons category}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Tatar, Ersin}}
[[Category:1960 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:People from North Cyprus]]
[[Category:Heads of government]]
[[Category:Heads of state]]</text>
      <sha1>gh6hwmy940leqxrz5gchnpddnt3bqnd</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>The Loud House/Season 6</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>245285</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153797</id>
      <parentid>3153226</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-12T03:21:02Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>162.197.99.132</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* The Taunting Hour (5.1) */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="69373" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
----
:'''Seasons:''' [[The Loud House/Season 1|1]] [[The Loud House/Season 2|2]] [[The Loud House/Season 3|3]] [[The Loud House/Season 4|4]] [[The Loud House/Season 5|5]] [[The Loud House/Season 6|6]] ([[The Loud House|Main]]) | '''[[The Casagrandes|Casagrandes]]''' (Seasons [[The Casagrandes/Season 1|1]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 2|2]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 3|3]])
----

'''''{{w|The Loud House}}''''' (2016–present) is an American [[w:animated television series|animated television series]] created by [[w:Chris Savino|Chris Savino]] for [[w:Nickelodeon|Nickelodeon]]. The series revolves around the chaotic everyday life of young Lincoln Loud, who survives as the middle child and only son in a large family of 11 children.

==''Episode 1''==

===''Present Danger (1.1)''===
:'''Gus''': Lincoln! Bravo, buddy, but you gotta get off the table.
:'''Customer''': You have ruined my wife's garlic knots!
:'''Lincoln''': Sorry! ''[gets off the table; to the viewers]'' Well, today's a really big day. It's my 12th birthday! Feels like I've been 11 forever, so this year, I'm doing it in style. David Steele-style. I asked all my friends to come to Gus's dressed as their favorite MALICE villains. You have Golden Toe, Blowfish, Odd Bob, and Patty Whack. So far, it's been great. One moment… Nothing but net. And now that we've finished playing Agents and MALICE, it's time for…
:'''Rita''': Presents!
:'''Lincoln''': Yes!
:'''Liam''': Wahoo!
:'''Zach''': Rusty, the invitation said only Lincoln was supposed to dress up as David Steele.
:'''Rusty''': Sorry, dude. It's not my fault I look amazing in a tuxedo. Besides, check out the Loud seniors.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Well, thanks for coming, everyone. Today is a special day for a special- ''[notices his dad crying]'' Dad, you know if you cry, I'm gonna- ''[he and Leonard both break down sobbing in each other's arms]''
:'''Rita''': Lincoln, I think what your dad was ''trying'' to say is that 12 is a Loud family landmark. He and Gramps have a special present for you. Your great-grandfather gave it to Gramps when he was 12, and Gramps gave it to ''your'' dad when ''he'' was 12.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': Room for one more?
:'''Scoots''': Doesn't look like there's room for one more. Because of your dang party, I'm stuck with these two bozos at the loaner's table.
:'''Flip''': Hey, you ain't no picnic yourself there, lady! ''[eats the pizza]''
:'''Chandler''': What do you want there anyway, Lincoln Lame?
:'''Lincoln''': ''[takes a seat]'' Someone nabbed one of my birthday presents, and I think one of you is the culprit. ''[takes out a deck of cards]'' The game is Go Fish. If I win, you have to turn out your pockets.
:'''Chandler''': And what's in it for us?
:'''Lincoln''': If you win, you get to keep all my… ''[close-up on his face] Presents.'' So, are you feeling lucky?
:'''Chandler''': You're on!

===''Stressed for the Part (1.2)''===
:'''Luan''': ''[practicing her moos]'' Moo! Moo! ''[falsetto]'' Moooo!
:'''Mr. Coconuts''': Nah, toots. That's too Holstein. Go lower into your Jersey range.
:'''Luan''': Oh, Mr. Coconuts, I can't wait to tell Mrs. Bernardo I got the part!
:'''Mr. Coconuts''': She'll be over the moooon, toots!
:'''Luan''': Aww.
:''[Suddenly Mrs. Bernardo walks in with her makeup running]''

==''Episode 2''==

===''Don't Escar-go (2.1)''===
:'''Lincoln''': So, what's the occasion, Clyde?
:'''Zach''': Yeah, are you buttering us up for something?
:'''Clyde''': Ok, here goes. The reason I created this ''Célébration de'' Friendship Brunch is because, I've got some big news. It all started last night…
:''[Flashback to earlier, getting a phone call]''
:'''Howard''': Clyde, can you get that? And please be careful. That phone is older than our 1930's Dust Bowl glasses.
:'''Clyde''': ''[picks up the phone and answers]'' Hello?
:'''Nana Gayle''': ''[calling on the other end from Sunset Canyon]'' Clyde, it's Nana Gayle. Ooh, I've got big news. My best friend, Fleur DuPont, just came to town for a surprise visit. She happens to be the dean of one of the finest cooking academies in the world.
:'''Clyde''': I know that academy! It's nearly impossible to get in. They wouldn't even let the Queen of England in. Granted, I've heard her sponge cake is dry-
:'''Nana Gayle''': Clyde, get your buns over here! And bring your baked goods, too! If Fleur tries them, oh, she's sure to let you in.
:''[Clyde hangs up happily; back to the present]''
:'''Zach''': So, what happened?
:'''Clyde''': She loved everything I made! In fact, Dean DuPont said I just have to pass one last exam tonight. I have to cook her an entire dinner. If I nail it, I'll be into the academy!
:'''Stella''': Yeah!
:'''Lincoln''': Yeah!
:'''Rusty''': Yeah, alright! ''[Clyde starts sniffing]'' Clyde, what's wrong?
:'''Clyde''': ''[sniffs]'' There's only one drawback: The school's in… Paris.
:'''Lincoln''': ''[despaired]'' NOOOOOOOOO! ''[collapses]''
:'''Liam''': Aww, it's happening again. Clyde's leaving us, just like when Lincoln done went to Canada.
:'''Clyde''': Let's not lose our heads here. I'm not 1,000% sure I'm going yet. They might not even pick me.
:'''Rusty''': Your food is divine. Of course you'll get in.
:'''Clyde''': I'll miss you guys like crazy, but this is an incredible opportunity. Where else could I learn to cook ''sole meunière, concombre a la menthe, escargot--''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[brushes the imagination aside]'' Wait, Clyde. What if you could learn to cook all those things here in Royal Woods? I know someone who can teach you. Then we wouldn't lose you.
:'''Rusty''': Ooh, give it a try, Clyde. Please?
:'''Stella''': Yeah, we're your crew, table 10 at lunch, the Action News Team! We have to stick together.
:'''Clyde''': But who are you thinking could teach me?
:'''Lincoln''': I know just the guy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Royal Woods Middle School cafeteria; the gang talks to Chef Pat]''
:'''Stella''': Chef Pat, do you know anything about French cooking?
:'''Chef Pat''': Pfft, I know everything. I used to be the head chef on a 60-foot yacht off the French Riviera. Here. ''[takes a buckwheat galette out of her hair net]'' Try a nutty buckwheat galette.
:'''Zach''': Nutty. Smooth. So why do you cook sloppy joes all the time?
:'''Chef Pat''': 'Cause that's what you kids like. ''[walks into the kitchen]''
:'''Lincoln''': Chet Pat, you ''have'' to teach Clyde all about French cooking, or else he's moving to Paris. ''[slides on his knees; begging]'' Please!
:'''Chef Pat''': Hmm. That's a lot to ask, but I'll do it, on one condition. While I'm with Clyde, you guys gotta take care of my niece, Waffles. If she tries to bite you, give her waffles. They calm her down.

===''Double Trouble (2.2)''===
:''[The Loud twin sisters arrive at Auntie Pam's contest for all the twins of Royal Woods]''
:'''Lola''': First rule of any contest: Know your enemy, and you can never lose. Who's gonna be our biggest threat?
:'''Lana''': Mr. Grouse and Flip?
:'''Lola''': ''[screeches her jeep to a stop]'' Um, what are you two trying to pull? You're not even related!
:'''Mr. Grouse''': What? You don't see the resemblance? ''[he and Flip both tug their mustaches]''
:'''Flip''': Ooh, it's in the flavor savers. ''[they both walk away, chuckling]''
:'''Lola''': Ugh.
:'''Lana''': And what's Liam doing here?
:'''Liam''': ''[to his twin goats]'' Okay, fellers, eye of the tiger.
:'''Lola''': His twins aren't even human!
:'''Liam''': Huh? They got every right to be here.
:'''Scoots''': ''[honks and pulls up]'' Uh, anyone seen my twin sister Mopes? She looks just like me, except for she's on a moped. ''[drives off]''
:'''Lola''': No way Scoots has a twin! The universe would never be so cruel.
:'''Mopes''': ''[pulls up]'' Anyone seen my twin sister Scoots? She looks just like me, except for she's on a scooter. ''[drives off]''
:'''Lola''': Okay, Scoots' sister is obviously just her in a wig. This contest is going to be an ice cream cake walk.
:'''Lana''': Yeah, we're the only ''real'' twins here.
:'''Cheryl''': ''[showing up with Meryl]'' Stop the presses! 'Cause Cheryl…
:'''Meryl''': And Meryl…
:'''Both''': Have arrived!
:'''Cheryl''': Sorry for being tardy, y'all. We may have gotten sucked into an episode of our favorite soap opera, &quot;Southern Hospitality.&quot;
:'''Auntie Pam''': ''[blowing her whistle]'' Alrighty, who's ready to twin it up? Let's get this competition started!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Auntie Pam''': ''[sees Liam's twin goats fighting; blowing her whistle]'' Disqualified!
:'''Liam''': Disqualified? For what?
:'''Auntie Pam''': ''[pulls out a contract]'' Violation of Auntie Pam's Double Trouble Contract. I can't have my twins fighting. They need to be united.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[As the Double Trouble contest comes to an end at sunset…]''
:'''Auntie Pam''': Our two final teams are Cheryl and Meryl, and Lola and Lana. And now for the big moment. Our Double Trouble twins and winners of a lifetime supply of ice cream are…lo and behold, Cheryl and Meryl!
:''[Cheryl and Meryl gasp and squeal in delight over winning; The Loud twins sigh in disappointment and drive back home]''
:'''Lola''': It's not fair! That crown and ice cream should be ''ours!'' ''[gasps and screeches her jeep to a stop as she and Lana see Liam's twin goats fighting over his shirt]''
:'''Liam''': ''[bursts out of a bush, going after them]'' Hey, wait up, fellers!
:'''Lana''': At least we didn't get disqualified for fighting, right?
:'''Lola''': ''[gets an idea]'' Fight clause. Lana, maybe there's a way we can ''still'' win! Cheryl and Meryl just need to start bickering, and Auntie Pam will make ''us'' the Double Trouble twins!
:'''Lana''': But how do we know they'll fight?
:'''Lola''': 'Cause you and I are going to ''make'' them.
:''[Next day at elementary school; Lana is walking with Cheryl on their snack break]''
:'''Lana''': Thanks for the snack break, Cheryl.
:'''Cheryl''': My pleasure, sugar.
:'''Lana''': I've never heard a person talk as much as Cheryl. She said, like, a gazillion sentences, and they all started with &quot;sugar.&quot;
:'''Lola''': Does that mean you got the scoop on how to split up her and Meryl?
:'''Lana''': It won't be easy. Those two are ''tight.'' They eat ice cream together every night. They watch ''all'' the same TV shows, like &quot;Southern Hospitality.&quot; They even double-date with their boyfriends.
:'''Lola''': ''[thinking]'' Hmm, I can work with all that.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Cheryl''': ''[screams as she slips in the melted ice cream and falls on her back; angrily]'' Meryl, did you spill the ice cream?! Now we got a dairy river the size of the Mississippi on our floor!
:'''Meryl''': ''[miffed]'' Don't blame me, I didn't do it!
:''[They growl angrily at each other]''
:'''Cheryl''': Well, no use cryin' over spilled ice cream. We got plenty more in the backup freezer.
:'''Lola''': ''[disappointed]'' Ugh!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Meryl''': ''[answers the telephone]'' Yello, Che-Meryl residence. You got Meryl.
:'''Lola''': ''[impersonating Cheryl]'' Hey, sugar, it's me, your sister.
:'''Meryl''': Hey, sugar.
:'''Lola''': I'm in a bit of a pickle here at school. Huggins has a bee in his office. Actually, a ''lot'' of bees.
:'''Lana''': ''[hold a jar of bees]'' Come home safe, my babies. ''[takes the jar lid off, releasing the bees]''
:'''Lola''': I'm fixing to be here awhile. You should go ahead and watch the season finale of &quot;Southern Hospitality&quot; without me.
:'''Meryl''': What? Well, that don't sound like you at all! You serious about this?
:'''Lola''': As serious as a hoedown.
:'''Meryl''': Ooh, that is serious. And I am chompin' at the bit to find out this pie thief. Ooh, okay. I'll watch.
:''[The Loud twins high five as they hear Cheryl and Principal Huggins running away from the bees]''
:'''Cheryl''': ''[screaming]'' Run, Huggins! They think my beehive is ''their'' beehive!
:''[Cheryl and Meryl's apartment, evening; Meryl is watching the season finale, sobbing while blowing her nose]''
:'''Cheryl''': ''[enters the apartment, covered in bee stings]'' Ooh, boy, did I have a dickens of a day. ''[realizes]'' And are you watching the &quot;Southern Hospitality&quot; finale without me?
:'''Meryl''': Uh, you called and told me to.
:'''Cheryl''': That is a backhoe of lies! I think I would remember something like that!
:'''Meryl''': You calling me a fibber?!
:'''Cheryl''': If the kitten heel fits!
:'''Meryl''': How dare you?!
:'''Cheryl''': Hmph! ''[turns around]''
:'''Meryl''': Oh, and BTDubs, Wayland is the pie thief! ''[blows her nose as her sister gasps in horror at the spoilers, and they both go their separate ways]''
:''[The Loud twins smirk at each other while watching]''
:''[Next day at Auntie Pam's parlor; Cheryl and Meryl are still angry with each other during the unveiling of the Double Trouble sundae]''
:'''Auntie Pam''': Welcome all to the debut of our Double Trouble sundae. Exciting, isn't it, Double Trouble twins? ''[takes out the ceremonial scissors]'' Who wants to cut the ribbon?
:'''Meryl''': ''[takes the scissors]'' ''I'll'' do it.
:'''Cheryl''': I'm surprised you haven't already done it without me, you low-down pie thief spoiler!
:'''Meryl''': ''[spitefully cuts her sister's hair with the scissors as the crowd gasps]'' Oops.
:'''Auntie Pam''': ''[gasps]'' Ok, ladies, settle down.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lana''': The sign-up line for our Unlimited Double Trouble ice cream party starts here!
:'''Lola''': And remember, it's VIPs only.
:'''Cheryl''': ''[over P.A.; upset]'' Morning… ''[sobbing]'' Roosters. Today's lunch will be two identical twin fish sticks! Sorry, Principal Huggins, it's just that Meryl is ''gone!'' ''[sobbing hysterically; the Loud twins rush over investigating as Principal Huggins comforts her]'' After our tussle at Auntie Pam's parlor, we was both madder than wet hens, so this morning, Meryl packed up her stuff and left for the bus station! ''[Lola and Lana look even more guilty for what they have both done as she continues sobbing]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Meryl''': What is ''she'' doing here?
:'''Lola''': Look, Meryl, if you want to be mad someone, be mad at us.
:'''Lana''': Yeah, we wanted ice cream so bad, we tricked you two into fighting.
:''[Cheryl and Meryl gasp upon hearing this]''
:'''Lola''': It was stupid, and we feel so terrible. If anyone knows how much twins need each other, it's us.
:'''Lana''': Yeah, you can't leave, Meryl. Twins gotta stick together.
:'''Meryl''': ''[looks down at her twin, smiles back]'' Well, I guess I could stay. After all, you ''are'' the soft serve to my waffle cone.
:'''Cheryl''': ''[squeals and hops into her twin's arms]'' We gotta celebrate our reunion!
:''[Auntie Pam's; the two pair of twins are all enjoying their ice cream]''
:'''Lola''': You know, you should throw more twin soirees.
:'''Scoots''': ''[drives in]'' I heard about the twin party. Guess our invite got lost in the mail.
:'''Lola''': Spare us, Scoots. We know your &quot;sister,&quot; Mopes, isn't real.
:'''Mopes''': ''[showing up in the flesh]'' What are you lookie-loos staring at?
:'''Scoots''': You never seen twins before?

==''Episode 3''==

===''Flip This Flip (3.1)''===
:'''Lincoln''': Um, what's going on?
:''[Nacho chitters while pointing at the label of Gobblesworth Farm, swooning over it, and makes smooching noises]''
:'''Lana''': OK, from what I understand- my raccoon's a little rusty- the lady on the framed turkey label is Flip's old middle school crush, um… Tommy Hogglesfort?
:'''Flip''': Tammy Gobblesworth! ''[sighs]'' My one true love. I always thought she and I would eat food off of other people's plates together forever. ''[flashback to the middle school Christmas dance]'' But then I got locked out of the school dance and missed my one shot to impress her! ''[collapses after the flashback fades back to the present]''
:''[Nacho chitters more while pointing at the label and pantomime acts like a chicken]''
:'''Lana''': ''[translating]'' Ever since Flip found the label, he's been attempting to call and ask her to dinner, but he keeps chickening out.
:'''Flip''': ''[popping up]'' Hey, chickening out is a bit harsh.
:'''Lincoln''': Flip, you can totally do this. There's nothing to be afraid of.
:'''Lana''': Yeah. You're Flip Phillipini. You're a legend!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': Welcome to Flip This Flip, where we take people that are complete disasters and make them shiny and new. Let's meet our panel of experts.
:'''Lana''': Lana: Hygiene.
:'''Leni''': Leni: Fashion.
:'''Lola''': Lola: Etiquette.
:'''Lisa''': Lisa: Interesting Conversation.
:'''Lincoln''': Lincoln: Transportation. What? You guys took all the good categories.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Flip''': You did your best, Loudsters. I blew it with Tammy.
:'''Lana''': ''[gasps]'' Blew it. Yes! ''[inhales and blows the French horn, sending Flip flying in the air with his outfit coming off, and slides on the floor in front of Tammy]''
:'''Tammy''': Oh, Phillip, are you okay? And where are your pants?
:'''Flip''': I gotta level with you, Tammy. Uh, I'm not a fancy tuxedo-wearing guy who oozes sophistication. The only thing I ooze is nacho cheese. Seriously, my sweat's orange. I was only trying to impress you 'cause you're so classy and glamorous. I'm not classy, I'm just gassy.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': ''[to the viewers while peddling]'' Next time, I'm hiring a limo.

===''Haunted House Call (3.2)''===
:'''Lucy''': Okay, salespeople, normies love cheerfulness. Let's see those smiles. ''[The other Morticians make weird creepy smiles on their faces]'' Forget the smiles. ''[rings the doorbell as Mr. Grouse answers the door]'' Gloomy morning, Mr. Grouse. Would you be interested in buying some homemade eyeball pops?
:'''Persephone''': We're raising money to attend Casket Con this weekend.
:'''Morpheus''': They'll be unveiling the new Model C casket from Caskets R Us. It hovers, thereby totally removing the need for polders.
:'''Boris''': We're running a special. Four eyeball pops for the price of three.
:'''Mr. Grouse''': Not now, creepy Loud and you creepy friends. I've got my own problem. I can't catch my couch to take a nap!
:''[Inside the house, his furniture is floating]''
:'''Dante''': Oh, yeah. That's a ghost problem.
:'''Mr. Grouse''': What was your first clue? When my loveseat walked itself into the kitchen?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lucy''': Good morrow. Are you haunted by a specter?
:'''Morticians''': ♪ If a ghost is haunting you / And you have no clue what to do ♪
:'''Dante''': ''[dressed in a bedsheet while hanging]'' ♪ Don't just stand and scream ♪ ''[bumps into the camera]''
:'''Morticians''': ♪ Call the number on your screen ♪
:'''Lucy''': And now, we wait for customers.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Rodney''': It's destroying my clothing and spilling my most expensive cologne: Night Sweat! You have to help me!
:'''Lucy''': Ghost, reveal yourself. ''[A ghost dude, wearing a tuxedo T-shirt reveals himself]'' Spirit, what is your unfinished business here?
:'''Dude Ghost''': I was supposed to be buried in a real tux, but this joker put me in a tuxedo T-shirt! I want a refund!
:'''Rodney''': No refunds! Besides, your order form just said tuxedo, so I went with our casual package.
:'''Dude Ghost''': I can't cross over in this! I'll be laughed out of the afterlife!
:'''Rodney''': Hmph!
:'''Haiku''': What about an exchange?
:''[Later, Rodney has dressed the ghost dude in a genuine tuxedo]''
:'''Dude Ghost''': Now this is what I'm talking about.
:'''Rodney''': And here's your complementary bottle of Night Sweat!
:'''Dude Ghost''': ''[flinches in disgust]'' Yeah, I'm good.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Liam''': ''[as donkey Dolly's ghostly spirit reveals herself; gasps]'' It's Mee-Maw's prized donkey, Dolly.
:'''Persephone''': Do you know why Dolly is haunting you?
:'''Liam''': I do. I once broke our fence mud-wrestling with Virginia. And then, blamed it on Dolly. ''[Dolly brays angrily]'' I know. Ain't a moment I'm too proud of. Dolly, I'm gonna make this right. ''[walks into his house; off-screen]'' Brace yourself, Mee-Maw. You're about to be madder than a wet peacock.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Cheryl and Meryl's apartment; The TV is changing the channel back and forth from &quot;Southern Hospitality&quot; to &quot;Hipster Island&quot;]''
:'''Cheryl''': Somethin' keeps changing our channel. And we're missing the season finale of &quot;Southern Hospitality!&quot;
:'''Lucy''': This is ''definitely'' the work of a ghost. Spirit, show yourself.
:''[The ghostly spirit of a hipster appears, sitting next to the twins as they gasp]''
:'''Hipster Ghost''': This used to be my pad, brahs. And I need to find out who rid &quot;Hipster Island.&quot;
:'''Cheryl''': I use bra pads, too. But we gotta see if Sue Ellen chooses Brad or his evil twin, Chad.
:'''Lucy''': You could ''always'' record &quot;Southern Hospitality&quot;, and watch it later.
:'''Cheryl''': Well, we'll have to delete some of our crime shows, but, it's a deal. Make yourself comfy, I'll be right back with three bowls of ice cream.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lucy''': Nice doing business with you. Let's get you back to the portal and--
:'''Buzz''': Change of plans: Turns out, haunting people is the bee's knees.
:'''Persephone''': But what about the afterlife?
:'''Buzz''': Overrating. Later! ''[flies away]''
:'''Persephone''': Buzz is going to terrorize all of Royal Woods if we don't stop him.
:'''Haiku''': But Casket Con's only open for another hour. We're going to miss the unveiling of the Model C.
:'''Lucy''': Sigh. We created this mess, so we need to clean it up.

==''Save Royal Woods! (Episode 4)''==
:'''Lincoln''': ''[speaks to the crowd in the microphone, through Todd's megaphones]'' Hey, everyone. If I could have your attention. ''[the crowd catches their attention]'' Maybe Royal Woods ''is'' forgettable, but it doesn't have to stay that way. We could have something like those other towns, something to put us on the map.
:'''Clyde''': Then Joyce wouldn't flood our town. Lincoln, that's brilliant! But what could we create that would make Royal Woods seem memorable?
:'''Lincoln''': I bet if we put our heads together, we can come up with something amazing. So who's ready to save our town?
:''[The crowd cheers in agreement; Next day, Mayor Davis gives Lincoln a button reading '''&quot;Honorary Jr. Mayor&quot;''']''
:'''Lincoln''': Whoa. &quot;Honorary Jr. Mayor?&quot; Thanks, Mayor Davis.
:'''Mayor Davis''': It's the least I can do since you're helping to save the town.
:'''Lincoln''': So do I get to play your keyboard?
:'''Mayor Davis''': ''[plays buzzing sound on her keyboard, sternly]'' Don't push it, kid. ''[cheerfully]'' OK, time to hear ideas to save Royal Woods.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': Undersecretary Crandall, thanks for coming.
:'''Joyce''': I hope this is good. I had to leave a meeting to pick the fish to stock Lake Gladys with. Spoiler alert: We are definitely leaning toward carp.
:'''Mayor Davis''': Actually, we think you might just change your mind about flooding your town.
:'''Joyce''': I'm sorry, but like I told you before, there is nothing that can cha-- ''[notices the giant Flippee; shocked]'' That's-that's…
:'''Albert''': The world's largest Flippee! HA! What do you think about them apples, huh? To be clear, it's not apple. It's actually sparkle berry cherry.
:'''Joyce''': Well, it is as big as the frying pan and less dangerous than the piranhas. Ugh, I guess there's no way we can put a lake here now. The flooding is off.
:''[All the citizens cheers when the giant Flippee suddenly starts shaking]''
:'''Citizens''': What's happening?!
:'''Lincoln''': Flip, what's going on?!
:'''Flip''': ''[sheepishly nervous]'' Uh, hey, Flippee syrup ain't cheap. I figured no one would drink it.
:'''Lola''': ''[seizes Flip by the collar, angrily]'' What did you do, old man?!
:'''Flip''': I may have swapped the syrup with some expired gasoline that wasn't selling. Is that really so bad?
:'''Lisa''': Short answer, yes. The gasoline is adversely reacting with my hyper-freeze additive, causing an accelerated release of energy, resulting in expanded volume.
:'''Todd''': '''In layman's terms, it's gonna blow.'''
:''[The giant Flippee explodes and covers everyone]''
:'''Joyce''': ''[fuming with rage]'' I will be back tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. with the demolition team! Royal Woods is history. ''[the giant Flippee tips over off the gas station, and destroys her car]'' YOU CRUSHED MY CAR! ''[screams as she notices something else]'' Donna! ''[angrily to the citizens]'' Make that 9:00 a.m.! ''GOODBYE, ROYAL WOODS!'' ''[storms off with fury]''
:''[End of Act 1; Beginning Act 2]''
:'''Flip''': ''[breaks down, sobbing]'' I'm sorry, everyone. The world's largest Flippee flopped! ''[Nacho chitters accusatively at him]'' Of course I regret using expired gas, Nacho! How can you ask me that?!
:'''Lincoln''': Wait! Everyone! I have a new idea that might save our town! Where's Todd?
:'''Todd''': '''I believe you, Lincoln.''' ''[starts chanting]'' '''Lincoln, Lincoln, Lincoln, Lincoln, Linc-''' ''[realizes everyone staring in confusion]'' '''Oh. We're not doing that?''' ''[deploys his PA system]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[through microphone]'' Undersecretary Crandall said Royal Woods is history.
:'''Flip''': Why would you remind us of that?!
:'''Lincoln''': What if Royal Woods did have some kind of important history? Then she couldn't flood us.
:'''Lisa''': Elder brother, might I remind you that Royal Woods has no interesting history? We were named after an oak tree. ''[points to an old oak tree commemorated with a plaque as a branch falls off]'' That one.
:'''Lincoln''': I know, but Undersecretary Crandall doesn't. Royal Woods has the word &quot;royal&quot; in it. Maybe there's something there. I know we'd be making up a big lie, but it's the only way to save our town.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Joyce''': ''[notices something off]'' Huh? What's this?
:'''Lincoln''': No, actually, we need that back. It's on loan from the, uh, Royal Woods Museum.
:'''Joyce''': Not so fast, kid. Hmm… ''[reading on the crown]'' '''&quot;Lola Loud, Little Miss Crowning Achievement?&quot;''' ''[gasps]'' You all made this whole thing up! King George never came through here!
:'''Lola''': ''[chuckles sheepishly as she takes her crown back]'' I'll take that.
:'''Joyce''': ''[groans angrily; on walkie-talkie]'' Bring that wrecking ball! We've got a sixth Great Lake to make.
:'''Luan''': I guess it's time to say goodbye to Royal Woods.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Joyce''': ''[hopping out of the roller]'' That was a beautiful song, but I'm still going to bust this dam and flood you.
:'''Lincoln''': What?!
:'''Demolition Worker #1''': Well, we're not! That kid with the white hair is right! This town ''is'' special, and so is my town!
:'''Demolition Worker #2''': And so is mine. No town deserves to be flooded by you. Get your promotion some other way, Crandall. We don't want a sixth lake.
:'''Joyce''': ''[groans in annoyance]'' You bunch of babies! Ugh! ''[heads back into the roller]'' Come on, Donna, we'll do it ourselves.
:'''Lola''': I don't know. Might not be the best look to flood a precious small town on live television.
:'''Katherine''': This is Katherine Mulligan, covering the destruction of my town in HD-
:'''Joyce''': ''[yanks Katherine away from the camera; chuckles nervously]'' I mean, I would never flood this beautiful town. ''[waves]'' Hi, Mom, happy birthday!
:'''Todd''': ''[offering her a phone]'' '''Call for you.'''
:'''Oversecretary''': ''[on phone]'' ''Joyce, this is the Oversecretary. I saw everything. Bulldozing a perfectly good town on live TV? '''YOU'RE FIRED!'''
:''[Joyce screams in despair after being fired from her job]''
:'''Todd''': ''[pats Joyce on the back, comforting her]'' '''There, there.'''
:'''Joyce''': Don't touch me.
:'''Lincoln''': We did it! Royal Woods is saved!
:''[Everyone cheers]''
:'''Lynn''': You did it, Stinkin'!
:'''Leni''': OMGosh, Lincoln, you're a hero.
:'''Mr. Grouse''': Yeah, thanks, Loud. Way to go.
:'''Lincoln''': I'm just glad we can all stay. 'Cause…
:'''Citizens''': ''[singing again]'' ♪ We're right, we're right, we're right where we belong (Ba-ba-da-) ♪
:'''Joyce''': ''[angrily interrupting]'' PUT A CORK IN IT! ''[groans]'' WHAT IS IT WITH YOU PEOPLE AND YOUR IMPROMPTU SINGING?! ''[growling as she leaves]''
:'''Citizens''': ''[finishing up]'' ♪ We're right where we belong! ♪

==''Episode 5''==

===''The Taunting Hour (5.1)''===
:''[Evening at the Loud House; The criticized Louds burst through the front door, and begin berating Lincoln]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Oh, he is in for it!
:'''Lola''': There he is!
:''[Lincoln screams as the couch tips over and himself]''
:'''Luna''': Why'd you have to tell us about our haters, dude?!
:'''Lisa''': Now we're ''all'' freezing up!
:'''Lincoln''': Look, I'm sorry I told you guys about your critics. I was just only trying to help Lynn.
:'''Lynn''': ''[irately punches a hole in the door]'' STINKOLN!
:'''Lincoln''': ''[nervously]'' I hope that's a happy &quot;Stinkoln&quot;.
:'''Lynn''': Your dumb &quot;cure&quot; ''DIDN'T'' cure me! Scoots heckled me some more and now I've got emu legs again! Wasn't even at a game. It was at the mall food court!
:'''Lincoln''': Lynn, why are you paying attention to Scoots? Why are ''any'' of you paying attention to those people? It doesn't matter what they say.
:'''Mr. Coconuts''': It's easy for you to say! You don't have to deal with it!
:'''Lola''': You just go around ruining lives!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lynn''': Dude, that Chandler's a real jerk.
:'''Lincoln''': Yeah, he is. ''[jumps off the sofa]'' But he doesn't bother me, and that's the whole point. I mean, at first he really got to me, but the more I ignored him, the easier it got. Plus, why should I care what he has to say? I'm doing what I love, and that's all that matters.
:'''Rita''': And if you can handle Chandler, I think we can handle our critics. Right, everyone?
:'''Luna''': Totally.
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Yeah, I guess so.
:'''Mr. Grouse''': Hey, Loud!
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[puts his fingers in his ears]'' Ah, I can't hear you, Grouse!
:'''Mr. Grouse''': I was just going to tell you-
:'''Lynn Sr.''': I'm blocking out the haters! ''[starts singing]'' ♪ La la la la- ♪
:'''Mr. Grouse''': You forgot to put on the parking brake again.
:''[Lynn Sr.'s eyes widen in horror; Outside, Vanzilla starts rolling backwards]''
:'''Kids''': Dad, Vanzilla!
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[chases after his van and screams]'' BABY, PLEASE COME BACK! I'M SO SORRY!!!

===''Musical Chairs (5.2)''===
:''[Lincoln feels dejected after getting to change to another seat in Mr. Bolhofner's class at lunchtime]''
:'''Clyde''': What's wrong, Lincoln? You've barely touched the cheesecake bites I made you. Is the cheese-to-cake ratio not to your liking?
:'''Lincoln''': No, Clyde. The ratio is perfect, per usual. It's just, I don't know what to do. Bolhofner won't change my seat.
:'''Rusty''': Three words, bro: &quot;Butter him up.&quot;
:'''Liam''': Oh, he ain't wrong. ''[grabs a stick of butter]'' One time Virginia, she got her head stuck in a fence and we used a whole mess of margarine to get her out. The key is to rub it around the jowls like so. ''[rubs the butter on his cheeks]''
:'''Clyde''': ''[disgusted]'' Ugh.
:'''Rusty''': I meant he's gotta charm the man.
:'''Liam''': ''[chuckles]'' I knew that. Just testing y'all. ''[eats the butter]''
:'''Rusty''': A while back, I wanted to go skydiving with my cousin, Derek, but my dad wouldn't let me, so I spent the whole week doing nice things for him. And bam, check it! ''[plays a video of him skydiving with his cousin while screaming]''
:'''Lincoln''': Hmm. Maybe I should try buttering up the Hof.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[The next day at Mr. Bolhofner's trailer; Mr. Bolhofner is grading papers]''
:'''Mr. Bolhofner''': Nope.
:'''Lincoln''': ''[enters]'' So, Mr. B, how was the band practice? That I set up, which I was glad to do, by the way?
:'''Mr. Bolhofner''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah, right. Ugh.
:'''Lincoln''': ''[sighs]'' I guess I'll take my seat, then.
:''[Chandler has set up a bucket of hot sauce above Lincoln's seat, laughing evilly]''
:'''Mr. Bolhofner''': That's not your seat, Loud! You sit ''there'' now.
:''[He points to Lincoln's new seat, which has a bright light upon it]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[smugly]'' Bye-bye, Chandler. ''[leaves to his new seat]''
:''[Chandler growls as he dumps the hot sauce on the seat, destroying it in the process]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[relaxes in his new seat, and is elated to find it can recline at the push of a button]'' Whoa.
:'''Student''': Chocolate? ''[offers a box of chocolates]'' I always have extras.
:'''Lincoln''': Wow, thank you! ''[takes them]''
:'''Student''': Oh, and if you ever get tense, I keep a massager under my desk! Feel free to use it!
:'''Lincoln''': Really? I wouldn't want to impose- ''[the student puts the massager on his neck]'' Oh, yeah. ''[the bell rings; the student reaches for the massager]'' Leave it.

==''Episode 6''==

===''A Bug's Strife (6.1)''===
:''[The Louds are walking out of the house and into Vanzilla]''
:'''Rita''': Oh! Double check, make sure I have my key. Mm. ''[her husband comes out, looking quite sick]'' Honey, you shouldn't be out here. Go back inside and get to bed.
:'''Lynn Sr.''': I just wanted to see you guys off. I'll miss you while you're at Aunt Ruth's today. It's a ding-dang shame I'm going to miss the slideshow of her bus tour of &quot;the Malls of the Midwest.&quot; ''[sneezes]''
:'''Rita''': Aw. Gesundheit. It's okay. Aunt Ruth will totally understand.
:'''Lola''': ''[walking out of the house; annoyed]'' It's not fair. Why does Daddy get to stay home? ''[Lynn Sr. sneezes again; disgusted]'' Ugh, question answered.
:'''Rita''': Get lots of rest. We'll see you tonight. ''[walks into Vanzilla and starts backing up]''
:'''Leni''': Bye, Dad!
:'''Lynn''': Feel better, Pops.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Aunt Ruth's house; In the living room, she is showing the Louds her Malls of the Midwest slideshow; Leni is the only one interested in watching]''
:'''Aunt Ruth''': And here's a bathroom stall from a mall in Indianapolis. This one had auto-flushing like the ones at a fancy steakhouse.
:'''Lynn''': ''[bored out of her mind]'' Dad's so lucky to be home sleeping. Ugh.
:'''Aunt Ruth''': Shh! Lynn, you're gonna miss the massage chairs at the mall at Walnut Grove!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Lynn Sr. rushes over to Mr. Grouse's house and knocks on the door]''
:'''Mr. Grouse''': No one's home! Go away!
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Mr. Grouse, I need your help!
:'''Mr. Grouse''': ''[opens the door]'' Oh, lookie, it's a Loud. Shocker. What do you want, and how fast can I get rid of you?
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Remember the spare key I gave you for emergencies? Well, this is an emergency.
:'''Mr. Grouse''': Oh, yeah, sure. I keep it in a bowl right here. ''[shows a bowl that's filled with countless keys]'' Yeah, this might take a minute.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Rita''': Oh, honey, you must've been so delirious you trashed the house! I had no idea you were ''this'' sick. You need to get to bed immediately. ''[the porch suddenly collapses, sending both her and her husband to the ground]'' But not here. Kids, come on. We have to go.
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Ah! Move to Canada. Smart. Chirpy won't find us there. ''[chuckles]''
:'''Rita''': No. We'll stay with Aunt Ruth until the house is repaired. She'll be happy to help nurse you back to health. I should warn you, though, she'll ''want'' to show you her Malls of the Midwest slideshow.

===''All the Rage (6.2)''===
:'''Zach''': You mad 'cause your favorite contestant cheated?
:'''Clyde''': Zamir didn't cheat! He would ''never'' cheat!
:'''Lincoln''': Maybe you can root for a different contestant. What about Maneet?
:'''Clyde''': Maneet's cream puffs… ''[his eyes glow red, muscles bulge, and clenches his fist in fury]'' '''''ARE DRY!''''' ''[begins throwing dodgeballs in rage]''
:'''Stella''': Guys, I think we just won.

==''Episode 7''==

===''Scoop Snoop (7.1)''===
:''[Royal Woods Middle School; Liam is recording the footage of Stella reporting of an owner with their pet]''
:'''Stella''': This is Stella Zhau reporting. ''[suspiciously]'' Someone's been letting their pet go potty here on the school field and not cleaning it up. Well, the Action News Team are here to reveal the &quot;poop-etrator.&quot; ''[gasps and looks ahead to see a &quot;dog&quot; with their owner both wearing identical disguises]'' Here they come now! Kangaroos, time to bust some scum!
:''[As Liam and Stella run over to the owner and their &quot;dog&quot;, they are outsped by Katherine Mulligan and her cameraman]''
:'''Liam''': What?!
:'''Katherine''': This is a Katherine Mulligan news exclusive. I'm unmasking the serial pet pooper. ''[takes the hat off the owner, revealing to be Vic]'' The owner is Vic. And the pet pooper is Gilly!
:'''Liam''': ''[confused]'' Jumpin' jackalopes. How in the world did she steal ''our'' story?
:''[Sunset Canyon Retirement Home; Zach is recording the footage of Rusty with an &quot;old lady&quot; at a table writing on a piece of paper in the background behind him]''
:'''Rusty''': The Action News Team has received a tip that somebody famous is hiding out here disguised as an old lady. Prepare to have your minds blown.
:'''Katherine''': ''[pops out from under the table]'' I'm Katherine Mulligan exposing this &quot;little old lady&quot; as… ''[pulls the wig/mask off, revealing…]'' Mick Swagger in disguise. He's holed up here as he writes songs for his new album, &quot;Mick or Treat.&quot;
:'''Zach''': ''[annoyed in anger]'' Hey, that was ''our'' scoop!
:'''Scoots''': ''[wheeling over and points to him]'' Nobody punks ''us,'' Brit boy! PUDDING HIM!
:''[The Action News Team are peddling their bikes to Gus' Games and Grub]''
:'''Lincoln''': This is the story of the century. 
:'''Stella''': It's cool of Gus to tip us off he's discontinuing spaghetti pizza.
:'''Clyde''': ''[sobbing]'' It's a dark day for the culinary world. ''[he and Lincoln bump into the back of Katherine's '''NEWS 3''' van and fall off]''
:'''Action News Team''': ''[gasp]'' Oh, no!
:'''Katherine''': This is the ''last'' bite of the last slice of the last spaghetti pizza Gus will ''ever'' serve. ''[eats the last bite-sized piece]'' I'm Katherine Mulligan reporting that you'll never know just how delicious that was.
:'''Stella''': ''[annoyed]'' I don't get it! How does Katherine Mulligan keep scooping us?!
:'''Rusty''': Someone has to be leaking to her. My cousin Derek's studying to be a plumber. He says; &quot;You have to find a leak and plug it, or it gets worse.&quot;
:'''Lincoln''': Rusty's right. If we don't do something, this could be the end of The Action News Team.
:'''Clyde''': Wait. Can we a moment of silence for… ''[sniffles sadly]'' spaghetti pizza?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Clyde''': We're never gonna find the leak at this rate. There are too many people at school to investigate.
:'''Rusty''': ''[eating a bowl of grapes]'' We shouldn't be following the rat, we should wait at the nest.
:'''Liam''': Then what in the manure pile does that even mean?
:'''Rusty''': Katherine ''is'' the nest, dawgs! If we follow her, the &quot;leaker&quot;, or &quot;rat&quot;, is gonna come to her.
:'''Lincoln''': Then we'll have our culprit! Rusty, that's a brilliant idea! Looks like it's time for an Action News Team undercover investigation!
:''[The Action News Team poses; Next morning, Lincoln, Clyde, and Stella are outside in front of Katherine's house, suspiciously watching her from the bushes as she eats a Danish that popped out from the toaster]''
:'''Lincoln''': 8:02. Katherine takes a bite of Danish.
:'''Stella''': Roger that.
:'''Rusty''': ''[popping out]'' 'Sup, dudes?
:'''Stella''': Rusty, you're late! ''[sniffs with disgust]'' Ugh, what's that awful smell?
:'''Rusty''': I was helping my dad pick a cologne to wow his gal pal. He lands it on Undersea Daydream.
:''[Lincoln, Clyde and Stella gag over the scent and gasp as Katherine exits her house and hide behind the bushes; Katherine gets into her car and drives off - humming a tune]''
:'''Lincoln''': Suspect's on the move. Let's go.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Katherine and her cameraman are eating lunch at the Burpin' Burger; Liam and Rusty hide in the trash can as Liam pops his hand out out of the lid with his phone, recording the footage]''
:'''Liam''': Rusty, ya got your knee square in my gizzard.
:'''Rusty''': Then stop moving around, dawg!
:'''Liam''': Shh.
:'''Rusty''': ''[as Katherine and her cameraman empty their trays into the trash can]'' Augh! Horseradish in the eye! Ugh.
:'''Katherine''': Katherine Mulligan wants to know, did this garbage can just talk? ''[shrugs and walks off out of sight as soon as Rusty and Liam tip over, exhausted]''
:''[Royal Woods Bowling Alley; Katherine and Patchy Drizzle are bowling against each other as Patchy knocks down the 10 pins]''
:'''Patchy''': Yahoo! Today's forecast: a 100% chance of winning for Patchy Drizzle!
:'''Katherine''': I'm getting some developing news. It ain't over till the last frame. ''[interrupted by Lincoln and Clyde, disguised as their grandmothers as she's about to bowl]''
:'''Lincoln''': ''[imitating Myrtle]'' Don't mind us, sweetie. We're just a couple of senior ladies bowling.
:''[Zach, in his bush disguise, takes out his phone to record the footage, but wobbles and collides with them, rolling them across the alley and knocking down the 10 pins]''
:'''Katherine''': Katherine Mulligan wants to know, did that bush just bowl a strike?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': Okay, so Stella made a notebook of some &quot;hot news leads&quot;, but they're all fake. We &quot;accidentally&quot; dropped it here by Principal Ramirez's car. As the &quot;rat,&quot; she &quot;finds it&quot; and takes it to &quot;the nest.&quot; Any questions? 
:'''Clyde''': Can you go over that one more time? I got lost in all the air quotes. 
:'''Lincoln''': I'll explain as we hide.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[A week later, back at Tall Timbers Park, Principal Ramirez meets up with Katherine again]''
:'''Katherine''': Oh. Principal Ramirez. Glad you could make it.
:''[The Action News Team peep from a bush]''
:'''Lincoln''': Gotcha. Principal Ramirez! ''[running towards the two women along with the rest of his team]'' Action News Team!
:'''Katherine''': Excuse me.
:'''Lincoln''': Principal Ramirez, how much has Katherine Mulligan been paying you to steal our news stories?
:'''Principal Ramirez''': I don't know what you're talking about.
:'''Clyde''': ''[holds up his mic in front of her, making her trip into the lake]'' ''We're'' asking the questions here!
:'''Rusty''': The jig is up, Katherine &quot;Shady Shader&quot; Mulligan! The book Principal Ramirez was going to give you is a bunch of phony news leads ''we'' planted. Bam! ''[looks closely at the title on the book cover]'' &quot;Passion under the Pompeii Moon?&quot; Uh-oh.
:'''Principal Ramirez''': ''[angrily snatches the book from Rusty]'' You bet you're &quot;uh-oh.&quot; Ms. Mulligan and I are in a book club together. Now someone get me out of here.
:'''Katherine''': That's the story. We've been meeting to swap novels we're reading.
:'''Stella''': So you weren't leaking our stories?
:'''Principal Ramirez''': ''[brushing the lake water off her skirt]'' Of course not! Is this what you spend your time on, making false accusations?! I have half a mind to shut down the Action News Team.
:'''Stella''': Please, don't.
:'''Rusty''': No, dawg!
:'''Lincoln''': We're sorry.
:'''Liam''': Give us another chance.
:'''Katherine''': I'm Katherine Mulligan and…I agree with these children. Sure they got the story wrong, but they got real drive. It reminds me of me when I was thriving out. I say they deserve a second chance.
:'''Principal Ramirez''': ''[over her mind; annoyed]'' Fine. ''[gets out of the lake as the Action News Team high five in celebration]'' But no more wild goose chases, or knocking principals in lakes.
:'''Zach''': Promise.
:'''Lincoln''': We swear.
:'''Rusty''': It was Zach.

===''Eye Can't (7.2)''===
:'''Lisa''': ''[entering the kitchen]'' Good morn… ''[bumps into Charles]'' When did we put the trash can here?
:'''Rita''': Honey, that's Charles.
:'''Lisa''': Ah, yes, of course. Hmm. Ah! ''Here's'' the orange juice I was looking for. ''[mistakes the flower vase and takes it off the table]''
:'''Rita''': Have you noticed Lisa's been acting a little off this week?
:''[Flashback to Lisa bumping into the end table, and the stair railing]''
:'''Lisa''': Pardon me, father. ''[flash to her petting a skunk, mistaking it for Cliff]'' Good boy, Cliff. Good boy.
:'''Leni''': ''[frightened]'' Uh, Lisa? That's ''not'' Cliff.
:''[Flashback ends as the skunk sprays on the siblings, screaming off-screen]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Yeah. She needs new glasses.
:'''Lisa''': ''[returns to the kitchen]'' Ah, silly me, I mistook a vase of flowers for orange juice. Ah! ''Here's'' the actual orange juice.
:'''Lynn Sr.''': That's hot coffee! Sweetie, look, Mom and I think it's time for you to go to the eye doctor. 
:'''Lisa''': What? Poppycock! Now if you'll excuse me, I shall be in the living room.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Todd''': ''[removing the cactus thorns]'' '''What is the problem? It's just the eye doctor.'''
:'''Lisa''': The problem, Todd, is that I have an irrational phobia of the ophthalmologist.
:'''Todd''': '''But that does not compute. You are a genius.'''
:'''Lisa''': I said it was irrational, Todd. And I've tried to train myself to move-past it, but, I can't!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lisa''': ''[falls down the stairs and lands flat on her face in front of her parents]'' Problem solved, parents. I've forged myself a new pair of glasses, and all is well. ''[opens her eyes - still abnormal through her glasses]'' 
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Counterpoint, you ''did'' kinda just fall down the stairs.
:'''Lisa''': Eh. You say tomato, I say mildly near-sighted.
:'''Rita''': And I say tomorrow morning ''you'' are going to the eye doctor, and, maybe the pediatrician too to see if you have any damage from that fall.
:'''Lisa''': Fine.

==''Episode 8''==

===''Dine and Bash (8.1)''===
:''[Vanzilla pulls up at Lynn's table and the siblings get out and walk in]''
:'''Todd''': '''Have a good afternoon, sweeties. Don't forget to do your homework. I'll be checking.''' ''[drives away]''
:'''Lisa''': Note to self: Dial back Todd's maternal mode.
:''[As the Loud siblings enter, they're overwhelmed to see the place crowded in a rush]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Oh, good, you're here! Before you jump into homework, I need your help with the afternoon rush.
:'''Lincoln''': No problem. Guys, fan out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Oh, you kids are a big help, especially with Mom off visiting Lori for Mother-Daughter Golf Day. ''[the phone rings and answers it]'' Lynn's Table. Come in if you're able. You've got Lynn.
:'''Kotaro''': Lynn, I have some exciting news. The Doo-Dads just booked a big gig tonight at Sunset Canyon!
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[gasps in excitement]'' No we &quot;Dadn't!&quot;
:'''Kotaro''': Yes we &quot;Dad!&quot; It's Bernie's third wedding! He's marrying his lady friend from Boca.
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[realizes in disappointment]'' Ohh! Ding, dang, darnit! I have to work the dinner shift. I gave Grant the night off to play &quot;Orcs, Horks, Wizards, and Pork&quot; with his friends.
:'''Grant''': ''[enters the kitchen wearing a wizard costume]'' Many thanks, Spirit Wizard Loud! May your harvest be fruitful this moon! ''[leaves]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': You guys should just do the gig without this Doo-Dad.
:'''Kotaro''': But a band with just one cowbell is no band at all.
:'''Lincoln''': Hey, Dad, what if ''we'' took over the restaurant tonight?
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[touched]'' Aw, that's sweet of you guys, but a night alone's a big responsibility.
:'''Lola''': ''[chuckles]'' We know this place like the back of our flawless hands. Ew! Time for a mani.

===''Sofa, So Good (8.2)''===
:'''Lynn Sr.''': Oh, kids! We have a surprise!
:''[The siblings rush into the living room]''
:'''Lola''': You were saying about a surprise for me?
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[facing the opposite direction]'' Your mother and I have been talking… ''[Rita turns him back the right way]'' Oh, hey everybody. And since it's been seven days since we had any house or life-threatening disasters…
:'''Rita''': We thought you all deserve a big surprise.
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[leaves]'' Just keep that streak going a little bit longer.
:'''Rita''': And we'll be back with the surprise by 4:00! ''[leaves and closes the door]''
:'''Lincoln''': I bet it's an indoor pool.
:'''Lucy''': I bet it's a family burial plot.
:'''Lana''': I bet it's a Clydesdale.
:'''Lynn''': I bet it's tickets to Jelly Wrestlefest 1 15!
:'''Lincoln''': No. No. ''[Lynn does a wrestling jump and landed on him as he groans]''
:'''Lisa''': ''[clears throat]'' You can call me the proverbial wet blanket, stick in the mud, resident sourpuss but, based on statistical averages, there's a 98.3% probability that we're going to mess up before the day is out.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': ''[looks up to Luan, stuck whilst sitting on the ceiling]'' Uh, Luan, what's going on up there?
:'''Luan''': Looks like we've got a ''&quot;sit-uation.&quot;''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': We did it! All we gotta do now is bring the furniture back in. ''[outside, they notice the furniture is missing]'' Uh, guys, where's the furniture?

==''Episode 9''==

===''The Last Laugh (9.1)''===

===''Driver's Dread (9.2)''===
:'''Leni''': OMGosh, Lori, I'm so excited to see you this weekend!
:'''Lori''': Samesies! It'll be like old times. Spending the whole day shopping at the Outlet Mall. Did you know everything is 50% off?
:'''Leni''': So if we go twice, it'll be 100% off!
:'''Lori''': ''[confused]'' Huh?
:'''Leni''': BTDubs, Tanya's coming along. She's desperate for a new look. ''[to Tanya]'' Don't stress out, Tanya. I'll find someone to drive us there.
:'''Lori''': You know, Leni, maybe it's time you tried to get your license again.
:'''Leni''': I thought about it, then it scared me, so I stopped thinking about it. Remember the last time? ''[flashback to the events of '''&quot;Driving Miss Hazy&quot;''' where she crashed Vanzilla into a pool]'' Is this the carpool lane? ''[back to present]'' There is no way I'm going through that again. The only thing that scares me more than driving is shoulder pads and perms. ''[shudders]'' But don't worry! I'll find a way to get there.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:''[Rita is in the kitchen writing an article while getting highly caffeinated]''
:'''Rita''': Latte, expresso, macchiato, Fortado… Oh! Those rhyme!
:'''Leni''': Mom? Could you drive me to the mall this weekend? Dad can't-
:'''Rita''': I'm sorry, sweetie, I can't. I have to finish a big article about coffee, coffee, coffee. And now I gotta pee, pee, pee! ''[runs for the bathroom while holding her bladder]''
:'''Leni''': You can't! Lola's taking one of her four-hour baths, and she's only on hour two.
:'''Rita''': ''[bolts out the back door]'' MR. GROUSE, I NEED YOUR BATHROOM! ''[peeks out]'' Maybe you can take the bus.

==''Episode 10''==

===''Bummer Camp (10.1)''===
:'''Leonard''': ''[calling in on the TV from Camp Mastodon]'' Hello? Is this thingy on? I just see me. ''[sees his grandkids as he backs up]'' Up, there you are! Ah, hi, my little minnows!
:'''Lincoln''': Hey, Gramps. What's up?
:'''Leonard''': Well, kiddos, I'm in a bind. I got a new batch of campers coming in a week, and my counselors just bailed on me during training! I'm as stuck as a boat at low tide! Why, without counselors, I'll have to close down Mastodon and return to life at sea.
:''[The kids gasp in shock]''
:'''Lincoln''': Wait, what?
:'''Leonard''': Ah, breaks my heart. I love this ding-dang camp. All the summers your dad and I spent here together… ''[sighs]'' So, if you know any counselors, just let me know. Gramps, over and out. How do you… where do I- WHOA! ''[drops the camera in the lake, where a fish swims over before the call disconnects]''
:'''Lynn''': Gramps leaving?! Major foul! I don't want him to go! ''[starts venting her rage by kicking the couch]''
:'''Luna''': None of us do, dudette. We just got him back!
:'''Lucy''': We have to find some counselors for Gramps. I'll see if any of my undertaker friends are looking to pick up extra cash.
:'''Lincoln''': Wait! We can be Gramps's counselors. Then the camp will stay open and he won't go. Who's with me? ''[the sisters cheer]'' Camp Mastodon, here we come! ''[notices they're still watching ''The Dream Boat'']'' Um, guys?
:'''Lola''': Yeah, we're gonna need five minutes. We have to see who Brynn picked!

===''Sleepstakes (10.2)''===
:''[Lana gets an invitation and hides it in her hat]''
:'''Rita''': Lana, what are you hiding? Is that another note from Principal Huggins about bathing more frequently?
:'''Lana''': No. He gave up on that. ''[takes the invitation out of her hat]'' It's an invitation to a sleepover my friend Kayla's having. But as all of you know, I'm really bad at sleepovers.

==''Episode 11''==

===''Cat-astrophe (11.1)''===
:'''Harold''': Go for Harold?
:'''Nana Gayle''': Harold, it's your mother.
:'''Harold''': Oh! Hi, Mom! Clyde, come say hi to Nana!
:'''Clyde''': Hi, Nana Gayle!
:'''Nana Gayle''': Hey there, baby. What time are you boys coming around for our annual birthday celebration? You didn't forget my big day, did you?
:'''Harold''': ''[shocked]'' Your big day?
:''[Howard gasps, takes out his phone, and scrolls to Nana Gayle's birthday on their daily schedule, realizing they forgot, and faints]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Nana Gayle''': Wait, what is this? Fish cake, milk fountain, weird lady in a cat suit? Boys, what's going on?
:'''Harold''': ''[guilty]'' I'm sorry, Mom. We got so distracted planning Cleopawtra and Nepurrtiti's graduation party that we…forgot your birthday.
:'''Howard''': We thought if we brought everything from the cat's party here, we could still give you a great birthday.
:'''Clyde''': We're sorry, Nana. ''[sighs sadly]'' We really messed up.
:'''Scoots''': Yeah, you did. Come on, Gayle. Let 'em have it!

===''Prize Fighter (11.2)''===

==''Time Trap! (Episode 12)''==
:'''Lynn''': Oh-ho-ho-ho, man. I would hate to be you right now, Lori!
:'''Lori''': Me? Lincoln was the one who told me to chip it!
:'''Lincoln''': Well, Charles was supposed to be protecting the vase!
:'''Lana''': You leave Charles out of this! ''[hops on the couch and hugs Charles]'' Who came up with this dumb game anyway?
:'''Lincoln''': Guys! We need to figure what we're going to do about this vase. Remember what happened the last few times it broke?
:''[Flashback to Lincoln, in his Ace Savvy outfit, rappelling from the ceiling to nab the last slice of pizza from Lynn]''
:'''Lynn''': Nice try, Stinkoln. ''[hits him with the pizza box, flinging him into the vase and shattering it]''
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[opens the door, frantically]'' What happened? ''[notices the shattered vase and gasps]'' That was a wedding gift! ''[angrily to them]'' You're all grounded for the night!
:''[Second flashback to Lynn, Lucy, and Luan in the twins' room]''
:'''Lynn''': ''[with her rear stuck inside the vase's neck]'' Told ya it would fit. ''[farts, letting the bottle fly away]''
:'''Rita''': ''[ducks as the vase flies out of the room and shatters; enraged]'' That was a wedding gift! You're all grounded for a week!
:''[Third flashback]''
:'''Lisa''': ''[bursting in through the front door with chemicals]'' Hot chemicals coming through! ''[rushes past the vase, which starts wobbling, but rests; relieved]'' Phew.
:'''Lana''': El Diablo, drop it!
:''[El Diablo slithers past Lisa knocking the chemical out of her hands and destroying the vase with an explosion]''
:'''Rita and Lynn Sr.''': ''[gasp]'' Our wedding gift!
:'''Rita''': ''[angrily]'' You guys are grounded for a month!
:''[Back to present]''
:'''Lincoln''': If Mom and Dad find out we broke the vase again, we'll definitely be grounded for the whole year.
:'''Luna''': Can't we just get rid of it?
:'''Lynn''': ''[imitates buzzer]'' They'd notice. In case you haven't heard, it was a wedding gift.
:'''Lucy''': That vase has been nothing but a pox on this house.
:'''Lola''': Ugh! I wish Mom and Dad never got this heinous thing in the first place!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lisa''': Siblings, I figured out a way to save our collective gluteus maximi. A while back, I unlocked the secret of time travel. I swore to never use it again, but desperate times call for desperate measures. My plan is simple: I'll travel back to the day of Mom and Dad's wedding. There, I'll prevent our parental units from ever receiving the vase. In layman's terms, no vase, no grounding. Any questions?
:'''Lynn''': ''[raises her hand]'' Yeah… I've got one, brainbox. Won't removing the vase affect the fabric of the space-time continuum?
:'''Lisa''': Actually, that is a highly perceptive question.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lisa''': Behold! ''[the garage door is stuck]'' Aw, dang it. The door is stuck. Everyone, just crawl under… Ding-dang door ruining my reveal… ''[scoffs]''
:'''Leni''': So where's the time machine?
:'''Lisa''': You're lookin' at it.
:'''Lincoln''': You built a time machine? Out of Vanzilla? In seven minutes?!
:'''Lisa''': Well, it's not like it was hard. All I needed was an alkaline-coated crankshaft and some plutonium. Mm-hmm. ''[rips off her shirt and pants to reveal a tuxedo]''
:'''Lola''': You even had time to get a tux?!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lisa''': How in Galileo's micrometer did you get here?!
:'''Lincoln''': We snuck in the back seat when you weren't looking. You have terrible peripheral vision.
:'''Lana''': We wanna help you with the mission!
:'''Lola''': And I'm not one to miss a party.
:'''Lisa''': Fine… Since you're here, you can help me find the vase. But remember, it's crucial that we get it, swap it, and get out without being seen. Let's roll!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lynn''': Mom and Dad are gonna feel pretty bad when they hear we had to- ''[feels the couch]'' This feels different.
:'''Lola''': ''[gasps]'' That's 'cause it ''is'' different! Mom and Dad would never shell out for high-quality upholstery like this!
:'''Lucy''': The blood- I mean, ketchup stains on the walls are gone.
:'''Lana''': This carpet feels softer than normal. And where are all the mud stains?
:'''Lori''': ''[sniffs]'' And it doesn't smell like Cliff's farts, or Lynn's.
:'''Lynn''': ''[preparing to fart]'' Oh, I can fix that.
:'''Lola''': ''[screaming from upstairs]'' What happened to my room?! My trophies! My headshots! Mr. Sprinkles! '''MY HEADSHOTS!!!'''
:''[The siblings check to see the twins' bedroom, now into a gym room]''
:'''Lynn''': Why is your room full of gym equipment?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lisa''': Welp, it seems my hypothesis was correct. We've altered the course of history. ''[gulps]'' I'm afraid…'''''we don't exist!'''''
:''[The other Loud siblings gasp; End of Act 1]''
:''[Beginning Act 2]''
:'''Lincoln''': What do you mean we don't exist?
:'''Lisa''': We altered the timeline and erased our own existence. In this timeline, Mom and Dad never had kids. Huh. The question is why… Perhaps there is someone who could help us fill in the blanks.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lana''': Found a crankshaft! Ooh, also found this junkyard burrito. Double score! ''[surfs on a car door and lands on other trash while Lynn nabs the crankshaft and Chunk gets the burrito]
:'''Alternative Chunk''': Brilliant. I just found me lunch. ''[eats the burrito]'' A bit o' bad news, though. I think your punk friend flew the coop. ''[points to the dropped guitar, which Luna has disappeared]''
:'''Lincoln''': Now Luna disappeared!
:'''Lucy''': So did Leni.
:'''Lisa''': Of course - they're disappearing in birth order.
:'''Lynn''': We gotta move fast if we want to save the rest of us.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Lincoln''': Without me, Chandler took my spot in the friend group.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Luan''': ''[sniffs]'' Ooh, smell that? Pet dander and farts!
:'''Luna''': Look! There are pics of us on the wall!
:'''Lincoln''': ''[checks the couch]'' Yes! The couch is sticky! What the…?!
:'''Lisa''': Yeah! The timeline has been repaired!
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[off-screen]'' Kids, we're home!
:''[Their parents enter with a pizza box]''
:'''Rita''': We picked up pizza for di- ''[she and Lynn Sr. gasp upon seeing the broken vase]'' You broke our vase again?! ''[The siblings all smile]'' And you're happy about it?
:'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[sternly]'' Ok, that is it! Everyone is grounded for two months!
:'''Lincoln''': ''[as he and his sisters hug them]'' We'll stay home with you as long as you'd like.

==''Episode 13''==

===''Crashed Course (13.1)''===

===''Puns and Buns (13.2)''===
:'''Andre''': Benjamin Stein, you may have just started working here, but I know greatness when I see it. I am promoting you to Assistant Manager of the Burpin' Burger. ''[puts a golden Burger necklace on around Benny's neck]''
:'''Benny''': Wow, the Golden Buns? Dreams do come true!
:'''Andre''': You've earned it. You're always on time, your uniform is always clean. And you're the first person ''ever'' to organize the pickles…by size.
:'''Benny''': Thank you, Andre. I'll teach you how to organize the pickles too, Otis. Once you've recovered from that accident with the burger sign.
:''[Flashback to Otis' accident while dressed in a burger costume as he spins the sign, flinging it upwards and falls on him]''
:'''Andre''': And we all want you to get better soon. ''[hits Otis in the injured arm, making him cringe in pain]'' Especially me, because I have to fill in for you.
:'''Benny''': No one wears the buns like you, boss.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Luan''': Well, I'd better take Mr. Coconuts home. We just used our savings on that hilarious soda bit. I miss spending time with you, Benny. Ever since Dairyland closed for the off season, I don't see you very much. ''[takes out her phone and shows Benny a photo of herself in her Heidi Heifer costume, unmasking herself in front of him and scaring him, causing him to knock the popcorn cart over]'' Remember how I'd sneak up on you and scare you, and you'd knock over your popcorn cart? ''[laughs]'' I missed that.
:'''Benny''': ''[laughs]'' Classic us. I miss it, too.
:'''Luan''': ''[gets an idea]'' Wait. Benny, why don't I just work here with you? Problem solved!
:'''Benny''': I was just thinking that, too! But I don't know if Andre will go for it. He takes fast food very seriously.
:'''Andre''': ''[now in the burger costume as he puts ketchup on as war paint]'' Be the burger, be the burger. Sesame seed bun! ''[charges out the door]''
:'''Luan''': You can convince him. He'll listen to you.
:'''Benny''': You're right. I'm Assistant Manager now!
:''[Outside the restaurant]''
:'''Andre''': Absolutely not. Luan, work here? Are you kidding?
:'''Benny''': But sir, Otis is still injured and we could really use a little more help. Plus, she ''does'' have experience. Her family owns a restaurant. And she promised to leave Mr. Coconuts at home.
:'''Andre''': Fine, but Luan is your responsibility. She can be your first assignment as assistant manager.
:'''Benny''': Thanks, boss! You won't regret this!
:'''Andre''': I hope not.
:'''Benny''': ''[chuckles and heads back inside; clears throat, holding up a Burpin' Burger uniform in front of Luan]'' Welcome to the Burpin' Burger family, Luan! You start tomorrow!

==''Episode 14''==

===''Lights, Camera, Nuclear Reaction (14.1)''===
:'''Lincoln''': Todd, you were amazing! And the hologram effect Lisa installed was the coolest! ''[notices something]'' Todd? ''[passes through him, turning out he's a hologram; shocked]'' Ahh!
:'''Todd''': ''[laughs]'' '''Got you, Lincoln. You should have seen the look on your face. Actually, I can show you. Playing memory from three seconds ago.''' ''[plays the memory and replays Lincoln's shock multiple times while zooming in on his face; laughs]'' '''Good times.'''

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Lisa''': ''[enters the dining room, panting]'' Quick question, have you seen the nuclear reactor from yesterday's shoot? Uh, not to create any panic, but it's missing. And if it falls into the wrong hands… ''[chuckles nervously]'' it could potentially destroy Royal Woods.
:'''Lincoln''': You mean that was real?!
:'''Lisa''': You asked for screen accuracy, Lincoln. Anyway, if you stumble on a glowing, unstable nuclear reactor, let me know.
:'''Lincoln''': You're in luck, Lisa. Where there's evil in the world, there's only one secret agent who can stop it, and his name is-
:'''Clyde''': Um, Lincoln, Lisa already left.
:'''Lincoln''': ''[sighs]'' Agent David Steele. We're coming up to help, Lis!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Todd''': '''So glad you could make it, Mr. Steele and friends.'''
:'''Lincoln''': This isn't you, Todd! It's the villain switch talking! Look, we're going to slowly come over and turn it off, OK?
:'''Todd''': ''[presses a button and traps the three in a net]'' '''Sorry, Agent Steele. That won't be happening, and now you can all watch annihilate Royal Woods. Oh, and one last thing.''' ''[removes the villain switch to their horror]'' '''Now I'll be in villain mode forever.''' ''[laughs]'' '''You should see your faces. Actually, I can show you. Playing memory from three seconds ago.''' ''[plays memory of them gasping repeatedly]''

===''Food Courting (14.2)''===
:'''Miguel''': Leni, you ready for lunch?
:'''Leni''': Definitely. How 'bout Spaghetti on a Stick? I'm craving skewered noodles.
:'''Miguel''': Uh, sure, but, let's go to the Spaghetti on a Stick across town, or maybe one in a different town. I hear you get free marinara in Hazeltucky.
:'''Leni''': That's silly, it's right there. Come on.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gavin''': Welcome to Spaghetti on a Stick. How can I help you today?
:'''Miguel''': ''[sweating nervously]'' Uh, nice boats. Are those shoes fresh? Boy, that episode of ''The Dream Sauce,'' huh? ''[Gavin stares confusingly at him; rushes off embarrassingly, and bumps into a man in lederhosen, getting sauerkraut in his eyes]'' AHH! SAUERKRAUT IN MY EYE!
:'''Leni''': Don't worry, we are not giving up. ''[sniffs]'' And sauerkraut is actually a good scent on you.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Gavin''': Hey, Miguel! Looking stylish as usual.
:'''Leni''': ''[through radio microphone]'' ''Thanks. What can you tell me about the rigatoni today?''
:'''Miguel''': Uh--uh, thanks. What can you tell me about the rigatoni today?
:'''Gavin''': Excellent question! The pasta is fresh from Sicily. Well, Sicily, Michigan, but still. So, can I put in an order from you?
:'''Scoots''': ''[interrupting]'' Quit daydreaming, blondie, and ring these up.
:'''Leni''': One moment, please.
:'''Miguel''': ''[in the exact same tone and posture]'' One moment, please.
:'''Gavin''': I get it, choosing the right pasta takes time.
:'''Miguel''': I'm gonna have to ask you to calm down and step back, please.
:'''Leni''': ''[being bothered at Scoots waving the pants in her face]'' I said, step back, please!
:'''Scoots''': And ''I'' said, I've waited long enough!
:'''Gavin''': Uh, Miguel? Is everything all right?
:'''Miguel''': ''[laughs nervously and runs off before slipping and falling into the fountain; Felix offers him a washcloth]'' Oh, thanks, Felix.
:'''Leni''': ''[while being chased by Scoots]'' SECURITY!
:'''Scoots''': ''[angrily chasing after her]'' Get back here, blondie!

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Leni''': Gavin, what a surprise.
:'''Gavin''': Oh. Hey, Leni. Hey, Miguel.
:'''Leni''': Miguel, look, it's Gavin!
:'''Miguel''': ''[awkwardly snapping out of it]'' Grey! Sorry. I started to say &quot;greetings&quot;, but then I switched it to &quot;hey.&quot; Ugh!

==''Episode 15''==

===''Save the Last Pants (15.1)''===

===''A Stella Performance (15.2)''===

==''Episode 16''==

===''Hiccups and Downs (16.1)''===
:'''Leni''': Wow. I've never heard a guitar make that sound before.
:'''Lisa''': Negatory. It would appear Luna is having involuntary contractions of the diaphragm. Street name: hiccups, brought on by all of her excitement. They'll cease in no time.

&lt;hr width=50%&gt;
:'''Luna''': The Rumble's tonight, and there's no way I can sing like this! What am I gonna- ''[hiccups]'' -do?!
:'''Lisa''': ''[gasps]'' I know what would cure those: an anti-hiccup elixir. Yeah, if only someone would invent one.
:'''Luna''': ''[hiccups]'' Come on, sibs. One of you has to know how to get rid of my- ''[hiccups and falls to the floor, surrounded by the spilled food]'' Please, you've gotta help me!
:'''Luan''': Aw, Luna. You know we're ''&quot;hicc-up&quot;'' for it, but first things first… ''[grabs a fork; to her siblings]'' Everybody hurry and eat while she's down!

===''The Loathe Boat (16.2)''===

==''Episode 17''==

===''Stroke of Luck (17.1)''===

===''My Cheer Lady (17.2)''===

==''Episode 18''==

===''Space Jammed (18.1)''===

===''Crown and Out (18.2)''===

==''Episode 19''==

===''The Orchid Grief (19.1)''===

===''Forks and Knives Out (19.2)''===

==''Episode 20''==

===''The Loud Cloud (20.1)''===

===''You Auto Know Better (20.2)''===

==''Unnamed Halloween Special (Episode 21)''==

==''Episode 22''==

===''Pop Pop the Question (22.1)''===

===''Lynn and Order (22.2)''===

==''Episode 23''==

===''Snow Escape (23.1)''===

===''Snow News Day (23.2)''===

==''Episode 24''==

===''Fashion No Show (24.1)''===

===''Doom Service (24.2)''===

==''Episode 25''==

===''The Hurt Lockers (25.1)''===

===''Love Stinks (25.2)''===

==''Episode 26''==

===''Day of the Dad (26.1)''===

===''Small Bundler (26.2)''===</text>
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  <page>
    <title>The Loud House Movie</title>
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:'''Seasons:''' [[The Loud House/Season 1|1]] [[The Loud House/Season 2|2]] [[The Loud House/Season 3|3]] [[The Loud House/Season 4|4]] [[The Loud House/Season 5|5]] [[The Loud House/Season 6|6]] ([[The Loud House|Main]]) | [[The Loud House Movie|Film]] | '''[[The Casagrandes|Casagrandes]]''' (Seasons [[The Casagrandes/Season 1|1]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 2|2]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 3|3]])

----
'''''{{w|The Loud House Movie}}''''' is a 2021 American animated [[w:Musical film|musical]] [[w:Comedy film|comedy film]] based on the [[w:|animated television series]] ''[[The Loud House]]''. It premiered on Netflix on August 20, 2021.

==Dialogue==
(Camera flashes to show baby Lori being embraced by the parents. Lori is 1 and baby Leni is toddling to Rita only for her sunglasses to fall over her eyes. Lori is now 2, Leni is 1, and baby Luna plays with Lynn Sr.'s cowbell. Lori is now 3, Leni is now 2, Luna is 1, and baby Luan plays with socks puppets. Lori is now 4, Leni is now 3, Luna is now 2, Luan is 1, and baby Lynn watches a ball game between Lori and Luna before kicking the ball out of the window. Lori is now 6, Leni is now 5, Luna is now 4, Luan is now 3, Lynn is now 2, and the parents introduce baby Lincoln to his sisters.)

----

:'''Morag''': All I want is my peace and quiet…and I will have it!!!

:'''Lana''': Can we keep her can we keep her?

:'''Rita''': Ok, but I'm not changing her diaper.

:'''Angus''': Welcome to Loch Loud.

:'''Lori''': Why are you calling everyone Scott?
:'''Leni''': Uh, we're in Scotland duh.

:'''Lucy''': Morag, catch me if you can.

:'''Lucille''': Gotcha.

:'''Lucy''': I was almost a goner maybe next time.

:'''Morag''': ''[screaming in fury]'' '''''I HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE THE LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'''''

:'''Lily''': Lela!

:'''Lynn''': This is whacka doodles!

:'''Lincoln''': Admit it, Clyde. I am ''always'' going to be stuck in my sisters shadows.

:'''Lana''': I knew it. Dragons ''are'' for reals.

:'''Lynn Sr.''': Lela, we can't thank you enough.

:'''Lola''': You do know we have our own bathrooms now.

:'''Luna''': C'mon, feel the noise!
Morag: You should've sailed away when you have the chance well prepare yourselves to be Louds no more!

(the Louds and Angus scream in fright huddling together)

Morag: Fire!

Lincoln: Noooooooo!

Morag: stoooooop!

(Lela's fire breath misses the Louds and Angus)

Lincoln: you want the crown so bad come and get it!

Morag: Let me down you horrid beast! (Lela drops Morag into a bush).

Scott: What about her?

Morag: Oh dear. (Lela snatches her and flies off with her) Unhand me beast!

Angus: the dragon is the true guardian of the Loch she shall decide Morag's fate.

(Lela drops Morag at shore rock and flies back to Loch Loud)

Morag (laughs) The joke's on you, you scaly, putrid lummox you gave me my peace and quiet.

(Seals barking)

Morag: (sees a family of seals that resembles The Louds) What? No. No! No! (cries in defeat).

Lincoln: turns out my family is royalty and I'm the new duke of Loch Loud!

Lola: that teeth whitening was worth it.

(Lisa accidentally slaps Lola)

Lisa: oops sorry.

==Cast==
* Asher Bishop as Lincoln Loud and The Duke

* [[David Tennant]] as Angus

* [[Michelle Gomez]] as Morag

* {{w|Jill Talley}} as Rita Loud and Rita Loud's 1600s ancestor

* {{w|Brian Stepanek}} as Lynn Loud Sr. and Lynn Loud Sr.'s 1600s ancestor

* {{w|Catherine Taber}} as Lori Loud

* {{w|Liliana Mumy}} as Leni Loud and Leni Loud's 1600s ancestor

* {{w|Nika Futterman}} as Luna Loud

* {{w|Cristina Pucelli}} as Luan Loud

* {{w|Jessica DiCicco}} as Lynn Loud Jr. and Lucy Loud

* {{w|Grey DeLisle}} as Lola Loud, Lana Loud, Lily Loud and Scoots

* Katy Townsend as Lucille Loud

* Andre Robinson as Clyde McBride

* {{w|Carlos PenaVega}} as Bobby Santiago

* {{w|Izabella Alvarez}} as Ronnie-Anne Santiago

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|6714432}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Loud House Movie, The}}
[[Category:2021 films]]
[[Category:2020s American animated films]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated films]]
[[Category:Animated musical films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:Sequel films]]
[[Category:Streaming films]]
[[Category:The Loud House]]
[[Category:Nickelodeon films]]
[[Category:Films based on animated television series]]
[[Category:Animated films about dragons]]
[[Category:Films set in Scotland]]
[[Category:Films about families]]
[[Category:Films about children]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Turning Red</title>
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        <id>1085757</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Again, the Walt Disney Signature Collection was made for Disney classics that had the Platinum and Diamond Editions such as Snow White all the way through The Lion King</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="29597" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
'''''{{W|Turning Red}}''''' is a 2022 American &lt;!--Do NOT add Canadian. Even though the movie was set in Canada, it was developed and produced by an American studio.--&gt;[[w:Computer animation|computer-animated]] [[w:Coming-of-age film|coming-of-age]] [[w:Fantasy-comedy|fantasy comedy film]] produced by [[w:Pixar|Pixar Animation Studios]] and for distribution by [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]]. It was released on [[w:Disney+|Disney+]] on March 11, 2022 and then DVD, Blu-ray &amp; 4K on May 3, 2022. It is directed by Domee Shi (academy award short, &quot;Bao&quot;) in her feature directorial debut, from a screenplay written by herself and [[Julia Cho]]. The film stars the voices of Rosalie Chiang, [[w:Sandra Oh|Sandra Oh]], Ava Morse, Maitreyi Ramakrishnan, Hyein Park, Orion Lee, Wai Ching Ho and [[w:James Hong|James Hong]]. It is the first Pixar film to be solely directed by a woman, the first to take place in Canada, and the second to feature an Asian lead character after ''[[w:Up (2009 film)|Up]]''.

==Meilin &quot;Mei&quot; Lee==
* ''[first lines of the film]'' The number one rule in my family? Honor your parents. They're the supreme beings who gave you life who sweated and sacrificed so much to put a roof over your head, food on your plate, an ''epic'' amount of food. The least you can do in return is every single thing they ask. 'Course some people are like, &quot;Be careful. Honoring your parents sounds great, but if you take it too far, well, you might forget to honor yourself.&quot; ''[the scene cuts to her in close-up; to the viewers]'' Luckily, I don't have that problem. I'm Meilin Lee. And ever since I turned 13, I've been doin' my own thing, makin' my own moves; 24/7, 365. I wear what I want, say what I want, and I will not hesitate to do a spontaneous cartwheel if I feel so moved!
* Not to brag, but being 13 means I'm officially a grown-up. At least according to the Toronto Transit Commission.
* All about that hustle, am I right?
* Jesse went to art school. Tae Young fosters injured doves. Robaire speaks French. And Aaron T and Aaron Z are, like, really talented too. We are 4*Townies, remember? Ride or die!
* Okay. I know what it looks like. I ''am'' my own person, but that doesn't mean doing whatever I want. Like most adults, I have responsibilities. It's not all about me, you know? I do make my own moves, it's just that… some of my moves are also ''hers.''
* ''Don't look at the notebook, don't look at the notebook, don't!''
* You sicko! What we're you thinking?! Why would you draw those things? Those horrible, awful, sexy things?! ''[walking back and forth]'' It's fine. You'll move to another city, change your identity. ''[muffledly yells under her bed; weeping tearfully to a photo frame of her and Ming]'' Mommy, I'm so sorry! ''[to her reflection, angrily]'' You are pride and joy, so ACT LIKE IT!
* I'm a gross red monster! ''[sobs]'' Stop it! STOP TALKING!
* AWOOGA!
* Don't look at me! Stay back!
* I hate this! I'm slobby, I'm smelly… my mom won't even look at me…and now 4*Town?! When are they coming? (''Abby: May 18th. They just announced it.'') The 18th?! There's no way this will be gone by then! Just go! Go become women without me! (''Miriam: Mei, it's gonna be okay.'') No, it's not. I'm a freak. Just… ''[sighs]'' Just leave me alone.
* We ''need'' to see this concert! Why doesn't my mom get that?! I never ask for anything. My whole life, I've been her perfect little Mei-Mei. Temple duties, grades… (''Abby: Violin!'') (''Priya: Tap dancing.'') Yeah. We've been ''so'' good. If they don't trust us anyway, then what's the point? (''Miriam: Wow. Who are you? I love it:'') (''Abby: FIGHT THE POWER!'')
* Hey, Tyler! You want the panda? You're ''getting'' the panda! Let's hear it for the birthday boy!
* I can't be like this forever. My whole family would freak. Especially my mom. All her hopes and dreams are pinned on me.
* I can't miss 4*Town! We worked so hard! But the ritual. I'll let everyone down!
* ''[lividly attacking Tyler in her red panda form]'' TAKE IT BACK! DON'T TALK ABOUT MY FAMILY LIKE THAT! I HATE YOU!!!
* The panda's dangerous… outta control.
* I'm keeping it.
* ''[seeing that Tyler's a fan of 4*Town]'' ''You'' are a 4*Townie?!
* I'm changing, Mom. I'm finally figuring out who I am, but… I'm scared it'll take me away from you.
* ''[to Sun Yee]'' I'm not going to regret this, am I?
* I'm Meilin Lee, and ever since I turned 13, life's been ''a lot''. People still talk about Pandapocalypse 2002. Mom and I just call it growing pains.
* What? Mr. Gao had to put her panda in something. You should see Grandma's.
* My panda, my choice, Mom.
* Sometimes, I miss how things were, but… Nothing stays the same forever. We've all got an inner beast. We've all got a messy, loud, weird part of ourselves hidden away. And a lot of us never let it out. But I did. How 'bout you?
* ''[trailer]'' My whole life, I've been perfect little Mei-Mei… but maybe I ''like'' this new me.

==Ming Lee==
* Sun Yee, revered ancestor, guardian of the red pandas, we humbly thank you for protecting and guiding us. Especially Mei-Mei.
* The Daisy Mart has lost a loyal customer today.
* Tell him you forgot your PADS!
* As you know, our ancestor Sun Yee had a mystical connection with red pandas. In fact, she loved them so much that she asked the gods to turn her into one. ''[narrating]'' It was wartime. The men were all gone. Sun Yee was desperate for a way to protect herself and her daughters. Then one night, during a red moon, the gods granted her wish. They gave her the ability to harness her emotions, to transform into a powerful mystical beast. She was able to fend off bandits, protect her village, and save her family from ruin. Sun Yee passed this gift to her daughters, for when they came of age. And they passed it to theirs. But over time, our family chose to come to a new world. And what was a blessing became… an inconvenience.
* This is awful. What are we gonna do? ''('''Jin:''' Don't worry. We'll get through this.) No one'' can see her like this. I never wanted this for her. Did you see how she was in the temple?
* This isn't music. This is filth. And it's not worth jeopardizing your life over.
* What was that? Am I the only one who sees the danger here? There's no way she could keep her panda in, and $200 for what?! Who do they think they are, [[w:Celine Dion|Celine Dion]]? Hmm. Unbelievable. I saw that look. Where did she get that from? Treating her own mother like that.
* How could she? ''[growls as her sadness turns to rage]'' How could she do this to…her own '''''mother?!''' [her talisman necklace breaks, releasing her red panda spirit as it merges into her body; everyone steps back in horror as she rises with her eyes glowing red with fury] &lt;big&gt;'''MEI-MEI!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
* ''[in her red panda form]'' &lt;big&gt;You are in '''''big''''' trouble, young lady!&lt;/big&gt; ''('''Meilin:''' Mom, let go!)'' &lt;big&gt;I'm shutting this down, RIGHT NOW! Everyone, GO HOME! Where are your parents? Put some clothes on! THIS ''ISN'T '''YOU!'''''&lt;/big&gt; ''('''Meilin:''' This ''IS'' ME!)''
* ''[in her red panda form]'' &lt;big&gt;You think you're so mature! Lying to me! Blaming me! How could be so, so… '''''CRASS?!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
* I see you, Mei-Mei. You try to make everyone happy, but are so hard on yourself. And if I taught you that…I'm sorry. So, ''don't'' hold back. For anyone. The farther you go, the prouder I'll be.
* Hold on. You're not going out like that, are you?
* ''[last lines of the film]'' I hate her misbehavior.

==Miriam==
* ''[to Meilin]'' Panda or no panda, no matter what.
* Mei, what if you didn't do the ritual? What if you kept the panda?
* Oh, no. 4*Town's the same night as the ritual?
* Mei-Mei, you hurtin' me!

==Priya==
* Sick. I've always wanted a tail.
* Uh… This says Toledo.

==Abby==
* Let's burn this place to the ground!
* NOT FUNNY, TYLER!
* You're so fluffy, you're so fluffy!
* FIGHT THE POWER!
* WHAT THE HECK IS TOLEDO?!?

==Grandma Wu==
* ''('''Meilin:''' Hey, Grandma.)'' Poor dear. It must be so difficult keeping that unruly beast at bay. Your family is here now, Mei-Mei. And we will take care of everything.
* I know how hard it is to keep the beast in. It feels so good to let it out. So free, but each time you do, the stronger it gets. And then you'll be bound to it forever, and the ritual will fail.
* Your mother and I were close once, but the red panda took that away. I couldn't bear to see that happen to you. So no more panda. I know you'll do what's right.
* Ming, this is a critical time. Mei-Mei needs a strong hand, now more than ever. ''Don't'' let her out of your sight. ''('''Ming:''' I won't, Mother.)''
* Four is the ''worst'' number.
* Long ago, the spirits blessed the women of our family with a great challenge. Mei-Mei, tonight is your turn. Like all the women around this table, you too will banish the beast within and finally become your true self. May Sun Yee guide you and keep you safe.
* ''[after Meilin decides to keep her panda, abandons the ritual, and dashes away to the concert]'' This is a disaster! Unbelievable! Ming! How could you let this happen?! She's out of control!
* Sun Yee, give me strength. ''[transforms into a red panda]''
* I am ''not'' losing my daughter!
* You don't have to apologize. I'm your mother.
* ''[turns to the viewers, wearing a red 4*Town necklace charm]'' So unlucky.

==Dialogue==
:'''Meilin''': Besties, assemble! Miriam!
:'''Miriam''': Huh? Hey!
:'''Meilin''': Priya!
:'''Priya''': Yo.
:'''Meilin''': Abby!
:'''Abby''': ''[shouting Korean; in English]'' Yeah! What's up, Mei-Mei?
:'''Meilin''': Are you ready to change the world?
:'''Miriam''': So ready.
:'''Priya''': I was born to do this.
:'''Abby''': Let's burn this place to the ground!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Ming''': Sun Yee, revered ancestor, guardian of the red pandas. We humbly thank you for protecting and guiding us. Especially Mei-Mei.
:'''Meilin''': May we continue to serve and honor your and this community.
:'''Both''': Always.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''TV Announcer''': You've heard their hits, you've seen their moves, and now you get to experience them live! The worldwide pop sensation 4*Town will be kicking off their North American tour! Tickets on sale now!
:'''Meilin''': ''[gasps in excitement]'' Oh, my gosh!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[As Ming catches Meilin seeing her drawings of her and Devon in her notebook, she angrily drives over to the Daisy Mart, bringing Meilin along with her]''
:'''Meilin''': Mom, no!
:'''Ming''': ''[pointing to Devon, fiercely]'' ''You!'' What have you done to my Mei-Mei?!
:'''Devon''': Uh, who?
:'''Tyler''': Meilin Lee, right here. ''[points to Meilin, who's standing next to him]''
:'''Ming''': I should report you to the police. How old are you? 30?!
:'''Devon''': I'm 17.
:'''Ming''': See, see? This is what happens when you don't wear sunblock and do drugs all day! She's just a sweet, innocent child—how dare you take advantage of her! ''[takes out the drawings and throws them on the counter]''
:'''Meilin''': Mom! NO!!! ''[echoes]''
:'''Devon''': What?!
:''[Everyone looks at Meilin's drawings and start laughing at her; Tyler mocks her and Devon's make out kissing]''
:'''Ming''': The Daisy Mart has lost a loyal customer today. ''[leaves the store with her daughter, looking humiliated and embarrassed, getting back in the car; sighs with exasperation]'' Thank goodness I was here. That degenerate won't come near you again. Now, is there anything else I should know about, Mei-Mei?
:'''Meilin''': Nope. All good. ''[cut to her in her bedroom, buries her face in a pillow, muffled screaming; breathes heavily]'' You sicko! What were you thinking?! Why would you draw those things? Those horrible, awful, sexy things!? ''[pacing back and forth]'' It's fine. You'll move to another city, change your identity. ''[muffledly yells under her bed; weeping tearfully to a photo frame of her and Ming]'' Mommy, I'm so sorry. ''[to her reflection, angrily]'' You are pride and joy, so ACT LIKE IT! ''[slaps herself; rips the drawings of her and Devon out of her notebook and throws them in the trash can; to her reflection, solemnly vowing]'' This will never happen again. ''[takes off her glasses, turns off the light, crawls into her bed, and falls asleep]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Panda Meilin''': Wake up, wake up, wake up!
:'''Ming''': ''[knocking on the bathroom door]'' Mei-Mei, is everything okay?
:'''Panda Meilin''': ''[panicking]'' DON'T COME IN HERE!
:'''Ming''': Mei-Mei, what's going on, honey? Are you sick? Is it a fever? A stomach ache? Chills? Constipation?
:'''Panda Meilin''': No!
:'''Ming''': Wait. Is it… that? Did the… Did the red peony bloom?
:'''Panda Meilin''': No! …Maybe?
:'''Ming''': ''[gasps]'' But it's too soon. Don't worry, Mei-Mei. I'll get everything you need. Mommy's here. Jin. Jin! It's happening!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Ming''': Mei-Mei, I know this is upsetting, but we are going to get through this together. I have ibuprofen, vitamin B, a hot water bottle, and pads. Regular, overnight, scented, unscented, thin, ultra-thin, ultra-thin with wings…
:'''Panda Meilin''': Uh-huh. All right. Awesome. Just leave them by the sink.
:'''Ming''': Mei-Mei. Perhaps we should talk about why this is happening.
:'''Panda Meilin''': No! I mean… nah, it's okay. 
:'''Ming''': You are a woman now. And your body is starting to change.
:'''Panda Meilin''': ''[muffled]'' Mmm-hmm. 
:'''Ming''': It's nothing to be embarrassed about.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Ming''': ''[pulling up at the middle school, dropping her daughter off]'' I know it feels strange, Mei-Mei, but I promise, nobody will notice a thing.
:'''Meilin''': Thank you for your concern, Mother. But I'll be fine.
:'''Ming''': Well, here's your lunch. I packed extra snacks. And herbal tea. For cramps. It helps relax your…
:'''Meilin''': I got it. Thank you. Bye!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Ming''': ''[Panda Mei-Mei begans to cry and covers your eyes and crashes the house]'' Mei-Mei! ''[Mei-Mei's room in the crys]'' Mei-Mei?
:'''Panda Meilin''': ''[crying]'' Don't look at me!? Stay back!?  

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Ming''': ''[takes a compartment chest out of the wall behind the tapestry of Sun Yee; sighs]'' As you know, our ancestor, Sun Yee had a mystical connection with red pandas. ''[opens the chest and takes out a scroll]'' In fact, she loved them so much that she asked the gods to turn her into one. ''[opens the scroll with a story; narrating]'' It was wartime. The men were all gone. Sun Yee was desperate for a way to protect herself and her daughters. Then one night, during a red moon, the gods granted her wish. They gave her the ability to harness her emotions, to transform into a powerful mystical beast. She was able to fend off bandits, protect her village, and save her family from ruin. Sun Yee passed this gift to her daughters, for when they came of age. ''[back to reality]'' And they passed it to theirs. But over time, our family chose to come to a new world. And what was a blessing became… an inconvenience.
:'''Panda Meilin''': ''[looks at the tapestry of Sun Yee, shocked]'' Are…you… ''[with her eyes turning red with rage]'' '''SERIOUS?!''' ''[angrily tries to rip it apart as her parents try holding her back]''
:'''Jin''': NO!
:'''Ming''': Mei-Mei, NO!
:'''Panda Meilin''': IT'S A CURSE!
:'''Ming''': She meant it as a blessing!
:'''Panda Meilin''': YOU CURSED US! IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!
:'''Ming''': Mei-Mei, stop! Listen to me! Listen! There's a cure!
:'''Panda Meilin''': ''[calms down, letting go of her anger]'' Really? How do you know?
:'''Ming''': Because, it happened to me.
:'''Panda Meilin''': Why didn't you warn me?
:'''Ming''': I thought I had more time! You're just a child. I thought, if I watched you like a hawk, I'd see the signs and be able to prepare. But it's going to be fine. I overcame it and you will too. On the next red moon, you'll undergo a ritual that will seal your red panda spirit into one of these. ''[holds up her panda necklace]'' And then you'll be cured for good. Just like me. But any strong emotion will release the panda. And the more you release it, the more difficult the ritual will be. There is a darkness to the panda, Mei-Mei. You only have ''one'' chance to banish it, and you cannot fail. Otherwise, you'll never be free.
:'''Jin''': ''[looking through the May 2002 calendar]'' Let's see, the next red moon will be the 25th.
:'''Panda Meilin''': That's a whole month away.
:'''Ming''': We'll wait it out together. And I'll be with you every step of the way.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Meilin''': So, now that that's settled, I just have one teeny-tiny favor to ask.
:''[Later that evening…]''
:'''Ming''': No. Absolutely not.
:'''Meilin''': WHAT?! But this is once in a lifetime.
:'''Ming''': Mei-Mei, it's one thing to stay calm at home or school, but a concert? You'll get whipped up into a frenzy and panda all over the place.
:'''Meilin''': I won't, I won't! I promise! You saw me keep it in!
:'''Jin''': Ming, maybe we should trust her.
:'''Ming''': It's ''them'' I don't trust. Look at those glittery delinquents with their… ''[shudders in disgust]'' Gyrations. Why on earth do you want to go so badly?
:'''Meilin''': ''[imagines herself and her friends having fun there, chugging soda, and Robaire proposing to her; back to reality]'' Like I said, I just want to broaden my musical horizons.
:'''Ming''': This isn't music. This is filth. And it's not worth jeopardizing your life over. Right, Jin?
:'''Jin''': Uh…
:'''Ming''': See? Your father agrees. No concert allowed, and that's final.
:'''Meilin''': ''[inhales; smiling sharply]'' Okay, well, thanks for listening. Good night. ''[picks up her 4*Town CDs and radio, and walks to her room with an annoyed scoff]''
:'''Ming''': What was that? Am I the only one who sees the danger here? There's no way she could keep her panda in. And $200? For what?! Who do they think they are? [[w:Celine Dion|Celine Dion]]? ''[the phone rings and Jin gets up to answer it]'' Hmm. Unbelievable. I saw that look. Where did she get that from? Treating her own mother like that.
:'''Jin''': Hold on. Ming, it's your mother.
:'''Ming''': ''[frightened]'' I'm not here! ''[lays down sideways on the couch in a fetal position, takes the phone out of Jin's hand and answers her mother, whose calling from Florida on speaker; nervously]'' Mother! Hello... How's everything in Florida?
:'''Grandma Wu''': ''[while putting makeup on]'' Ming. I know about Mei-Mei.
:'''Ming''': I was just about to call you, but everything's fine. ''[hesitantly]'' I'm gonna handle the ritual on my own.
:'''Grandma Wu''': ''[scoffs in anger as she puts lipstick on]'' The way you &quot;handled&quot; Mei-Mei being on the news?
:'''Ming''': No one knows anything. They barely saw her!
:'''Grandma Wu''': I'm on my way…with reinforcements.
:'''Ming''': NO, I CAN HANDLE IT! I CAN… ''[Grandma Wu hangs up]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Meilin''': That presentation was bomb.com. I cited all my sources. I had sparklers, and she still said no!
:'''Priya''': My parents said I could go when I'm 30.
:'''Abby''': Mine called it stripper music. What's wrong with that?!
:'''Miriam''': Mine said yes, but I have to ''buy'' the ticket. Who the heck's got that kind of cash?
:'''Meilin''': I know my mom's worried, but sometimes she's just so… So…
:'''Miriam''': Wacko?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Grandma Wu''': Mei-Mei, can I have a word with you?
:'''Meilin''': Uh, sure. What's up?
:'''Grandma Wu''': I found this. ''[holds up a piece of red panda fur]'' Strange for a girl who hasn't let her panda out.
:'''Meilin''': It's, uh… ''[chuckles nervously]'' It's not mine.
:'''Grandma Wu''': Mei-Mei, I know what you're doing. I know how hard it is to keep the beast in. It feels so good to let it out. So free, but each time you do, the stronger it gets. And then you'll be bound to it forever, and the ritual will fail. 
:'''Meilin''': Has that ever happened?
:'''Grandma Wu''': It ''cannot'' happen. ''[sighs]'' Your mother and I were close once, but the red panda took that away. I couldn't bear to see that happen to you. So, no more panda. You are your mother's whole world, Mei-Mei. I know you'll do what's right.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Tyler''': You want your money? Then get your butt down here now!
:'''Panda Meilin''': Forget your money, and forget ''you!''
:'''Miriam''': Mei! Let's just go!
:'''Tyler''': What about our deal?!
:'''Panda Meilin''': SHOVE YOUR DEAL!
:'''Tyler''': Fine! Get out of here! Go back to your psycho mom and your creepy temple, you freak!
:'''Panda Meilin''': ''[growls lividly and jumps off the roof, attacking him]'' '''[[The Lion King 1½|TAKE IT BACK! DON'T TALK ABOUT MY FAMILY LIKE THAT!]]'''
:'''Miriam''': ''[shocked]'' Mei-Mei, you're hurting me! 
:'''Panda Meilin''': '''I HATE YOU!! I HATE--!!'''
:'''Ming''': ''[showing up]'' Mei-Mei, STOP!? What is going on here?!
:'''Tyler''': ''[sobbing; Mei-Mei gasps]'' I'm sorry. Just get off of me, please.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Ming''': ''[to Miriam, Priya, and Abby]'' I can't believe you girls would use her like this!
:'''Miriam''': What?
:'''Priya''': But we didn't.
:'''Abby''': No, we'd never.
:'''Meilin''': What?
:'''Ming''': I ''knew'' you were trouble. Putting all these thoughts into Mei-Mei's head, parading her around. Now she's lying, sneaking out. She attacked a defenseless boy! You think this is a joke? Do you know how dangerous this is?
:'''Miriam''': We didn't mean to, we just wanted to see 4*Town.
:'''Ming''': 4*Town! You manipulated her for a bunch of tacky delinquents?!
:'''Miriam''': No! She wanted to…
:'''Ming''': Don't you blame her. She is a good girl, and you've taken advantage of her!
:'''Miriam''': Mei, tell her!
:''[Meilin looks up at her mother as she looks down to her, buries her face in her chest, refusing to tell]''
:'''Priya''': What?
:'''Abby''': ''[angry]'' Dude!
:'''Ming''': Come on, Mei-Mei. Let's go.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Meilin''': ''[as her father enters her room]'' Hey, Dad. I… I'm almost ready.
:'''Jin''': ''[shows her the recorded footage of her in her panda form and her friends having fun]'' Did you make this?
:'''Meilin''': Here, I'll erase it. What? We were just being stupid. The panda's dangerous, outta control.
:'''Jin''': Huh. You sound like your mother. What has she told about ''her'' panda?
:'''Meilin''': ''[sighs]'' Nothing. She won't talk about it.
:'''Jin''': It was quite destructive. ''[chuckles]'' And big. She almost took out half the temple.
:'''Meilin''': You… you saw it?
:'''Jin''': Only once. She and your grandma had a terrible fight.
:'''Meilin''': Over what?
:'''Jin''': ''[points to himself]'' Your grandma didn't approve of me, but you should've seen your mom. She was incredible.
:'''Meilin''': But, I'm a monster.
:'''Jin''': ''[sighs]'' People have all kinds of sides to them, Mei, and some sides are messy. The point isn't to push the bad stuff away. It's to make room for it, live with it.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Abby''': Mei!
:'''Miriam''': Mei!
:'''Abby''': You're here!
:'''Miriam''': What are you doing here?
:'''Meilin''': I couldn't do it. The panda's a part of me, and you guys are too.
:'''Miriam''': Mei, you threw us under the bus.
:'''Meilin''': I know and I'm sorry. I've been like, obsessed with my mom's approval my whole life. I couldn't take losing it, but losing you guys feels even worse.
:'''Miriam''': Well, too bad. 'Cause you did.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Miriam''': Your mom must've gone nuclear.
:'''Meilin''': Who cares, what's she gonna do? Ground me?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Robaire''': Toronto! Who knows what's up?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Jin''': Mei!
:'''Meilin''': Dad?
:'''Grandma Wu''': We have to save your mother!
:'''Chen''': She's gone ''loco!''
:'''Jin''': Mei, we have to the ritual again!
:'''Meilin''': What happened?! She's ''HUGE!''
:'''Jin''': I told you, she was '''big!'''
:'''Meilin''': '''''THAT'' BIG?!'''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Panda Meilin''': ''[angrily]'' I'm ''not'' your little Mei-Mei anymore! I ''LIED'', Mom!
:'''Panda Ming''': WHAT?
:'''Panda Meilin''': It was ''my'' idea to hustle the panda. ''My'' idea to go to Tyler's party! It was all ME! I like boys! I like loud music! I like gyrating! '''I’M 13! DEAL WITH IT!!!!'''
:''[After a moment, Panda Ming growls incredibly livid over being lied to and lets out a loud enraged roar]''
:'''Grandma Wu''': The ritual. ''[claps her hands]'' Everyone in position! Mei-Mei, keep her busy!
:'''Panda Meilin''': Oh, I'll keep her busy.
:'''Grandma Wu''': Where's Jin? JIN!
:'''Jin''': ''[pushing the dry line marker around Panda Ming to make the ritual circle; panting]'' Mei, keep her in the circle!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Meilin''': ''[fighting Panda Ming while poofing into her red panda form and her human self]'' All I wanted… was to go to a &lt;big&gt;'''''CONCERT!!!'''''&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Panda Ming''': &lt;big&gt;I never went to concerts! I put my family first! I tried to be a good daughter!&lt;/big&gt;
:'''Meilin''': ''[growls fiercely]'' Well, sorry I'm not perfect! Sorry I'm good enough, and sorry '''I'LL NEVER BE LIKE YOU!!!!!''' ''[flies directly at her and headbutts her between the eyes, knocking her out unconscious]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Grandma Wu''': Sun Yee, give me strength. ''[takes off her panda bracelet and throws it on the ground, breaking it, poofs into her panda form, and rushes over to help her granddaughter]'' Pull, Mei-Mei!
:'''Panda Meilin''': Grandma?
:'''Grandma Panda Wu''': I am ''not'' losing my daughter! ''[to the aunties]'' Don't just stand there!
:''[The aunties rush over to them while taking off and shattering their trinkets, poofing into their red panda forms]''
:'''Panda Chen''': Make room for your elders, Mei-Mei!
:'''Panda Meilin''': What?
:'''Panda Ping''': We're with you!
:'''Panda Meilin''': But what are you doing? What if you can't turn back?!
:'''Panda Helen''': Your mom needs us!
:'''Panda Lily''': She's family!
:'''Grandma Panda Wu''': Less talking, more pulling!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Young Ming''': ''[sobbing hysterically]'' I'm sorry. It's… it's all my fault.
:'''Meilin''': What happened?
:'''Young Ming''': I… I hurt her!
:'''Meilin''': (Her) Who?
:'''Young Ming''': My mom! I got so angry and I lost control! I'm just so sick of being perfect! I'm never gonna be good enough for her… Or anyone.
:'''Meilin''': I know it feels that way. Like, all the time. But it isn't true.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Ming''': ''[sighs as Grandma Wu hugs her]'' I'm sorry.
:'''Grandma Wu''': Shh. You don't have to apologize. I'm your mother. ''[to Meilin; sighs]'' May Sun Yee guide you and keep your safe. One at a time, ladies. And quickly.
:'''Chen''': That's it? Mei-Mei's keeping the panda?
:'''Helen''': It's her life. Now move.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Ming''': Mei-Mei, please. Just come with me.
:'''Meilin''': ''[nodding no]'' I'm changing, Mom. I'm finally figuring out who I am, but… ''[gasps softly; sadly]'' I'm scared it'll take me away from you.
:'''Ming''': Me too. I see you, Mei-Mei. You try to make everyone happy, but are so hard on yourself. And if I taught you that… I'm sorry. So ''don't'' hold back… for anyone. The farther you go, the prouder I'll be.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Meilin''': ''[with her panda ears and tail]'' Bye, Mom! Bye, Dad!
:'''Ming''': ''[halts her daughter]'' Hold on. You're not going out like that, are you?
:'''Meilin''': ''[scoffs]'' My panda, my choice, Mom. ''[chuckles]'' I'll be back before dinner, okay?
:'''Ming''': ''[sighs]'' Fine. Oh, um… You're welcome to join us.
:'''Miriam''': ''[gasps]'' For Mr. Lee's cooking? ''[in unison with Priya]'' Uh, yeah!
:'''Priya''': ''[in unison with Miriam]'' We are so there.
:'''Ming''': Don't load up on junk.

== About ''Turning Red'' ==
* Set in Toronto between 2002 and 2003, ''Turning Red'' centers around Meilin &quot;Mei&quot; Lee, a 13-year-old [[w:Chinese Canadians|Chinese-Canadian]]. One morning, she is horrified to discover that whenever she gets too excited or stressed, she poofs into an eight-foot-tall red panda, but can turn back, if calm. Soon Mei later learns that her ancestors have a shared history with the species as a family curse. Soon she must try maintain her new lifestyle as a teenager. &lt;ref name=&quot;Upcoming&quot;&gt;{{Cite web |title=Upcoming – Turning Red |url=https://www.pixar.com/upcoming |url-status=live |archive-url=https://web.archive.org/web/20210130084744/https://www.pixar.com/upcoming |archive-date=January 30, 2021 |access-date=July 13, 2021 |website=Pixar}}&lt;/ref&gt;

==Voice cast==
* Rosalie Chiang as Meilin &quot;Mei&quot; Lee
:: Ming and Jin's daughter / Wu's granddaughter

* [[w:Sandra Oh|Sandra Oh]] as Ming Lee
:: Mei's mother / Jin's wife / Wu's daughter

* Orion Lee as Jin Lee
:: Mei's father / Ming's husband / Wu's son-in-law

* Ava Morse as Miriam

* Maitreyi Ramakrishnan as Priya

* Hyein Park as Abbey

* Wai Ching Ho as Wu
:: Ming's mother / Mei's grandmother / Jin's mother-in-law

* Tristan Allerick Chen as Tyler

* Addy Chandler as Devon

* [[w:James Hong|James Hong]] as Mr. Gao

==External links==
* {{imdb title|8097030|Turning Red}}
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:2022 films]]
[[Category:2020s American animated films]]
[[Category:Canadian animated films]]
[[Category:Chinese animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated musical films]]
[[Category:Animated coming-of-age films]]
[[Category:Films set in Canada]]
[[Category:Streaming films]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Better Call Saul (season 6)</title>
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----
:'''Season''' [[Better Call Saul (season 1)|1]] [[Better Call Saul (season 2)|2]] [[Better Call Saul (season 3)|3]] [[Better Call Saul (season 4)|4]] [[Better Call Saul (season 5)|5]] [[Better Call Saul (season 6)|6]] | [[Better Call Saul|'''Main''']]
----

The following is a list of quotes from the sixth season of ''[[Better Call Saul]]''.

=== ''[[w:Wine and Roses|Wine and Roses]]'' [6.01] ===
:''[Mike, Gus, and Tyrus gather in the office trailer at the Los Pollos Hermanos chicken farm to discuss the aftermath of the attempted hit on Lalo Salamanca.]''
:'''Gus:''' Tell me again about the ''sicario'' who made the final report.
:'''Tyrus:''' He was already wounded when he talked to our cutout. Federales found him dead at the scene. But they got Salamanca.
:'''Gus:''' The mercenaries are dead. To a man. And yet their mission was a success?
:'''Mike:''' It has been known to happen. Now you go down there and get Varga, bring him home safe. There's ways to do it on the quiet. 
:''[Long pause; Gus and Tyrus both stare at him.]''
:'''Mike:''' ''[scoffs]'' ...Unless you already have something in the works.
:''[Tyrus turns and exits the trailer. Mike and Gus speak alone.]''
:'''Gus:''' Speak your mind.
:'''Mike:''' Loyalty goes both ways. Varga's done everything you asked him. 
:'''Gus:''' He wasn't given a choice.
:'''Mike:''' Maybe so, but he played a tough game. And he played it on the square. 
:'''Gus:''' ...And?
:'''Mike:''' When all is said and done, the kid deserves your respect.
:'''Gus:''' He has it. Is there more you wish to say?
:''[After a long pause, Mike exits the trailer.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Kim have dinner at a diner; conversation turns to the Ford Taurus that Jimmy has rented.]''
:'''Jimmy:''' I rented us a car. It's the Ford.
:'''Kim:''' So Saul Goodman drives a brown Ford Taurus?
:'''Jimmy:''' Detroit calls that taupe, I believe.
:'''Kim:''' Don't you think Saul Goodman would drive something with a little more... flair?
:'''Jimmy:''' Such as?
:'''Kim:''' I don't know. Definitely American-made. Something showy. And Saul Goodman has an office. Something eye-catching. Good location.
:'''Jimmy:''' By the courthouse?
:'''Kim:''' Yeah. A cathedral of justice.
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Ooooh'', a cathedral of justice. Okay, yeah.
:'''Kim:''' We should start looking for something for you. I mean, for Saul.
:'''Jimmy:''' Sold. When do we start?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[At the courthouse, Jimmy is confronted by the district attorney who prosecuted Lalo during his bail hearing]''
:'''ADA Khalil''': I've been calling you for two days.
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, my girl's out sick. What can I do you for?
:'''ADA Khalil''': Tomorrow morning, 10 A.M.
:'''Jimmy''': Brunch? But just you and me, right? ''[points at Detective Roberts]'' I mean, won't the big fella here feel like a third wheel?
:'''ADA Khalil''': You and I are meeting Parson in chambers. I am asking for an emergency hearing to alter the terms of De Guzman's release.
:'''Jimmy''': Sounds like a blast. Unfortunately, I'm booked solid. 
:'''Detective Roberts''': I checked your client's place of residence. The address he gave, it's a Dairy Queen in Altamonte. The family that showed at the bail hearing can't be located. No driver's license, no tax rolls, no school records. Nothing. The fact is, there isn't a single Elizabeth McKinnon under the age of 73 living in New Mexico.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, this is–this is surprising.
:'''ADA Khalil''': Your client has disappeared, and I'm not waiting six weeks to start looking for him.
:'''Jimmy''': Hey, my guy put up seven million in bail. You think he's just gonna walk away from that?
:'''Detective Roberts''': Who comes up with seven million bucks in cash?
:'''ADA Khalil''': You know what I think? I think the family was fake. ''[to Jimmy]'' And I think you knew it the whole time.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, hold up. Just get real for a second. The hearing didn't go your way, and now you're trying for a do-over? You say my guy ran, I say he's got seven million reasons for showing up when he's legally required to do so. So, no, I won't be... uh, due process window dressing at any crash meeting with Parson. And if you try throwing any of this crap around in front of the judge without my presence, here's an accusation: Prosecutorial misconduct. ''Career-ending'' prosecutorial misconduct!
:'''Detective Roberts''': None of that changes the fact the guy's not who he said he was.
:'''Jimmy''': No, no, no! Hold on! You guys got caught with your pants around your ankles, and somehow that's on me?! I don't think so! ''[points at ADA Khalil]''  You got two dozen lawyers up there! You got investigators—you got the whole damn police force—and it's ''my'' fault that you can't keep track of Lalo?! ''That is '''not''' my job!''
:'''ADA Khalil''': Lalo? Who's Lalo?
:'''Jimmy''': What?! ''[blinks hard]'' What did I say... I meant De Guzman. I have more than one client! ''[chuckles]'' So... ''[clears throat]'' I will see you at the preliminary in six weeks as scheduled. Until then, I have clients who need me.
:''[Jimmy walks into an empty courtroom and sits down while contemplating his slip-up]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy takes a guided tour of the country club where Howard and Cliff are members, meeting with a tour guide named Norm in the main lounge.]''
:'''Norm:''' Hi, Norm Wakely. I understand you're in the market for a tour.
:'''Jimmy:''' That's right. Saul Goodman.
:'''Norm:''' Great to meet you, Mr. Goodman. 
:'''Jimmy:''' No please, call me Saul.
:'''Norm:''' Great. So Saul, can I get you anything before we get started? The coffee here is just unbeatable. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Uh, well, I'm fine. I'm fully caffeinated. 
:''[Kevin Wachtell walks into the room and becomes upset upon seeing Jimmy in the lounge.]''
:'''Norm:''' Well Saul, you and I are standing on hallowed ground. Five presidents have played on our course, starting with Dwight D. Eisenhower. But the story goes back even further than that–
:'''Kevin:''' ''Norm.''
:''[Jimmy and Norm turn toward Kevin.]''
:'''Kevin:''' Can I have a sec, please?
:'''Jimmy:''' Kevin, hey. How's it going?
:'''Norm:''' Uh, I'm sorry. I'm sure this will just be a moment.
:''[Norm goes over to Kevin and talks to him for a few moments, clearly being instructed to remove Jimmy from the premises.]''
:'''Norm:''' Mr. Goodman. I'm so sorry, but I've just been reminded that in fact we have a two-year waiting list.
:'''Jimmy:''' Two years, wow. Maybe I could go on the tour anyway. I mean, 'cause I'm here. Just in case.
:'''Norm:''' Well unfortunately, we've suspended tours for the moment.
:'''Jimmy:''' You're not even giving tours?
:'''Norm:''' I apologize for the inconvenience. We–we'll be happy to call you if the situation changes. You left your number?
:'''Jimmy:''' Uh-huh.
:'''Norm:''' Well, we'll be in touch. If the situation changes. Again, I–I am sorry for your time and trouble. We just– ''[sighs]'' We had a few crosswires.
:'''Jimmy:''' Well... okay then.
:'''Norm:''' Thank you.
:''[Jimmy is about the leave the lounge, but impulsively stops, turns around, and approaches Norm again.]''
:'''Jimmy:''' I'm sorry.
:'''Norm:''' Oh, yes.
:'''Jimmy:''' Um, just so I understand: you were going to give me a tour and then realized you don't need new members?
:'''Norm:''' We have a waiting list.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay, but you're the membership director... 
:'''Norm:''' I know.
:'''Jimmy:''' ...so you would have known that before. It doesn't really add up. I mean, I came in and everyone was rolling out the red carpet, and then all of a sudden something changed. I don't–
:'''Norm:''' Mr. Goodman, I–
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Goodman.'' The name. The second you heard it, everything turned on a dime. Wow. Waiting list? I think you're talking about an ''exclusion'' list. It's okay, I should have known. Because, I mean, look! ''[raises his voice and walks to the middle of the lounge, where everyone can see him]'' It's wall-to-wall mayonnaise in here! So listen, if you're going to be restrictive, have the courage to say so!
:'''Norm:''' There's no question–
:'''Jimmy:''' There it is, folks! Anti-Semitism, alive and well right here in Albuquerque!
:'''Norm:''' Sir! We have many Jewish members!
:'''Jimmy:''' Oh good. Well, you met your quota then. Gold star for you.
:''[Kevin, flanked by two of his golf buddies, interjects.]''
:'''Kevin:''' Hold on. That's gotta be the biggest load of horse crap I've ever heard in my life. Go crawl back in your hole, McGill or Goodman – whatever you're calling yourself. What are you up to, anyway? Ginning up another one of your put-up job lawsuits? You two-faced, blackmailing, money-grubbing son of a bitch–
:'''Jimmy:''' Money-grubbing! You're saying the quiet part out loud, I think.
:'''Norm:''' Gentlemen, can we just keep the volume down?
:'''Kevin:''' You know damn well that's not what I meant!
:'''Jimmy:''' In this day and age, I'd hoped and prayed we'd be beyond this.
:'''Kevin:''' You're about as Jewish as my Aunt Fannie!
:'''Jimmy:''' Five-thousand years and it never ends!
:''[Kevin tries to take a swing at Jimmy, but is held back by his golf buddies.]''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Here it is! Violence! It always comes to this!''
:'''Norm:''' Mr. Wachtell, please!
:'''Kevin's Buddy:''' Come on, Kev.
:'''Kevin:''' ''[to Jimmy]'' You go to hell, you lying sack of shit.
:''[Kevin and his golf buddies leave the lounge.]''
:'''Norm:''' Sir. Mr. Goodman, I don't know what to say. That is not–
:'''Jimmy:''' I wouldn't be a member here. I wouldn't walk through those doors again after what happened to me here today. ''[feigns tears]'' Do you at least have a bathroom that I could use, seeing as how my– Stress like that is hell on my diverticulitis. 
:'''Norm:''' The men's locker room is the closest. It's straight through there.
:'''Jimmy:''' And I would be allowed to go in there?
:'''Norm:''' Yes, of course.
:'''Jimmy:''' I want you to know I don't blame you personally. I know you were just following orders. ''[to everyone in the lounge]'' It's okay, folks! I'm leaving! All is well!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo is preparing to be smuggled across the border with a group of undocumented immigrants when he decides to call the Casa Tranquila Nursing Home and speak to Hector. A nurse holds a phone up to Hector's ear in the common room. Hector uses his bell to communicate.]''
:'''Lalo:''' ''[in Spanish]'' Uncle, can you hear me? Do you know my voice?
:''[Hector visibly recognizes Lalo's voice.]''
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings bell twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' They told you about the attack, didn't they?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' Let them keep believing I'm dead. So much the better. It was the chicken man. That coward sat up there in the north while his paramilitaries came into my home. My home, Uncle! Screw Bolsa, screw Eladio. I'm coming north. I'm going to hurt him. Hurt him like you taught me. And then I will kill him. 
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings repeatedly in agreement]''
:'''Lalo:''' What is it?
:''[The nurse takes the phone from Hector.]''
:'''Nurse:''' Hector? ''[to Lalo]'' Excuse me. I'm so sorry, but Hector seems a little upset.
:'''Lalo:''' ''[in English]'' Yeah, sorry. Um, I'm just– I'm sharing a bit of family news, some good, some bad. Would you mind putting him back on? It will only be a minute.
:'''Nurse:''' Of course.
:''[The nurse again holds the phone to Hector's ear.]''
:'''Lalo:''' ''[in Spanish]'' Uncle?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' What is it? Do you have another idea? 
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' Okay, let's see. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, Ñ, O, P–
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' P? That's right?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' Okay. What's next? A, B, C, D...
:''[Cut to the common room; Hector rings twice.]''
:'''Lalo:''' ...L, M, N, Ñ...
:''[Cut to the common room; Hector rings once.]''
:'''Lalo:''' U? ''Prueba?'' 
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' Is that what you're saying? Proof?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' Uncle, I don't have any proof. For months I was in the north watching him, following his men. There was nothing.
:''[Lalo has a flash of realization.]''
:'''Lalo:''' Wait... There is proof. I know where to find it. Goodbye, Uncle. You will see me soon.

=== ''[[w:Carrot and Stick|Carrot and Stick]]'' [6.02] ===
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;I was a hard worker. I was a company man. Twenty years, and I didn't miss a single day. They even gave me a plaque for it. ''[sighs]'' It was a gold plaque. Perfect attendance... But when they handed it to me, I wrenched my back. I was in so much pain, I couldn't do my job... ''[sighs again]'' which meant I couldn't put food on the table. I didn't want to sue... but with a family to support, what choice did I have?&quot;
:'''Kim''': Wait, who are you supposed to be again?
:'''Jimmy''': Whatever. The backstory is just a placeholder. I'm gonna polish the script once we cast.
:'''Kim''': But a personal injury suit? Best case scenario, that gets him in with an associate.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[throws hands up]'' Mesothelioma. ''[clears his throat]'' &quot;When I took that job down at the shoe factory, I had no idea I was risking my life. Now, I can't stop coughin'!&quot; Right? Come on! Hey, a mesothelioma class-action built Clifford Main his vacation house. He hears &quot;mesothelioma,&quot; his eyes pop!
:'''Kim''': Well, sure. But then he takes the case. What happens when he asks for a medical evaluation? And how does Howard come up?
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, ask me why I'm here.
:'''Kim''': What brings you to Davis &amp; Main today?
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;I'm sick. I'm really sick...&quot;
:'''Kim''': Good.
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;...and it's not mesothelioma, but it's not good. And I need a lawyer, and the pickings are slim. I already went to HHM. I met with their top guy, Howard Hamlin, and uh... Uhhh, I–I got a brother-in-law and he's got a pretty nasty coke habit, very similar energy. Just put me off. Anyway, I need a lawyer, blah-blah-blah.&quot;
:'''Kim''': Okay, but you got a bad feeling from just one meeting?
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, I had the brother-in-law with the coke.
:'''Kim''': Yeah, but you were only in the room with him once.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, so it's gotta be something with a history with Howard.
:'''Kim''': Yeah.
:'''Jimmy''': But Cliff has to want to take the meeting, but not the case.
:'''Kim''': Right. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[sighs]'' It's gotta be good, but not too good.
:'''Kim''': Exactly. There's a sweet spot, you know. Like a magnet. We–we pull Cliff in, and then repel him. ''[beat]'' Oh!
:'''Jimmy''': What?
:'''Kim''': ''[sighs]'' You are going to ''hate'' this...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy tracks down the Kettlemans to their shady tax preparation office and tries to rope them into his and Kim's plan to ruin Howard]'' 
:'''Betsy''': ''[to Jimmy]'' You've got some nerve coming here after what you did! ''[shoves Jimmy]'' ''Leave!'' Because of you, we lost ''everything!'' Our kids are in public school! So why don't you go crawl back under whatever slime-covered rock you came from and leave us the heck alone?! 
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, I sense some anger here, but that's–that's perfectly understandable. Since you brought it up, I came here today because I was curious if you two wanted your lives back. There's actually a legal term for it: Exoneration. 
:'''Craig''': Oh. You know, we actually did look into that.
:'''Betsy''': Yep.
:'''Craig''': We went to a number of lawyers, and—
:'''Betsy''': ''Real'' lawyers.
:'''Craig''': Yes. They were all terrific, but they said that it was impossible.
:'''Betsy''': ''Mm-hmm''.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, but those lawyers don't know what I know.
:'''Craig''': What's that?
:'''Betsy''': No, Craig. He's got an angle.
:'''Jimmy''': I ''do'' have an angle, Craig. It's an angle called justice. ''[Betsy scoffs and snickers]'' Let me put it this way: I think that within Craig's case, I have found the grounds for a civil suit. A big one. ''[pause; quietly]'' Big. 
:'''Betsy''': ''[long pause; looks at Craig]'' Okay, then. Let's hear it.
:'''Jimmy''': Let's hold your horses, because we've been down this road before. [[w:Uno (Better Call Saul)|And the last time I gave you two advice, you went straight to the competition with it.]] ''[pulls out a piece of paper from inside his suit]'' So, I just need some assurances that all my hard work isn't gonna end up in the hands of, uh, Clifford Main or some other asshole at some pretentious high-pay, white-shoe law firm. So before we talk turkey, letters of engagement. 
:'''Craig''': Yes.
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, you remember these. I made some updates, just closed a few loopholes and whatnot. So... ''[holds out paper and pen]''
:'''Betsy''': ''[stops Craig from taking the pen]'' We're not signing anything.
:'''Jimmy''': You have to sign if you want to know what I know. 
:'''Betsy''': ''We're not signing.''
:'''Jimmy''': Really? You're sure?
:'''Betsy''': Yep.
:'''Jimmy''': Craig?
:'''Craig''': ''[looks at Betsy before shaking his head]'' Thanks anyway.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[unclicks pen]'' Alright. Well, uh... Sorry we couldn't work something out.
:'''Betsy''': I'm sure you are.
:''[Jimmy overhears Betsy and Craig arguing as he walks around the trailer. He balls the pen in his fist]''
:'''Craig''': Mr. Goodman!
:'''Jimmy''': ''[smiles; clicks pen and takes out letter]'' Best decision you've ever made. ''[turns his back to Craig for him to sign the letter]'' Here you go.
:'''Betsy''': ''[after Craig signs the letter]'' So what do you know?
:'''Jimmy''': You got one, too, Betsy. ''[holds out another letter]''
:''[Betsy snatches the pen and paper from Jimmy and signs the letter while pressing the pen hard on Jimmy's back]'' 
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, come on. That's not... ''Ow''. All right. Well, we're officially in business. Now, I have it on good authority here that Craig was not given proper counsel. 
:'''Betsy''': We already knew that.
:'''Jimmy''': But did you ask yourselves why?
:'''Craig''': No. Why?
:'''Jimmy''': What if I told you that in your hour of need, the person who was supposed to be on your side was impaired?
:'''Craig''': Impaired?
:'''Jimmy''': It's a... a person of substance. ''[as Betsy and Craig talk to each other quietly]'' Substance in question being a certain illegal white powder.
:'''Betsy''': That awful woman with the ponytail is a cocaine addict.
:'''Jimmy''': No, not Kim Wexler! No! Craig's lead attorney, Howard Hamlin! 
:'''Craig''': Oh. I thought he was so... professional and energetic. Upbeat. 
:'''Betsy''': Oh...
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;Oh,&quot; is right.
:'''Craig''': So upbeat is bad?
:'''Jimmy''': In this case, it's textbook malpractice. The magic phrase is, &quot;ineffective assistance of counsel.&quot; If your guy wasn't nose deep in the devil's dandruff, well, Craig's case would've turned out completely different.
:'''Craig''': Oh, my God! 
:'''Betsy''': Don't we need some kind of proof?
:'''Jimmy''': All the dirty laundry comes out in discovery. It’s just trips to rehab, secret drug deals. All we gotta do is get the ball rolling. So, I say we get started on your affidavits. 
:'''Craig''': Yes.
:'''Betsy''': About that. We happen to know a thing or two about our rights, Mr. McGill. And it doesn’t matter what you force us to sign. We don’t have to work with any lawyer we don’t want. ''[gets in Jimmy's face]'' And that means... you’re fired. 
:'''Jimmy''': I am not fired.
:'''Betsy''': Oh yes, you are!
:'''Jimmy''': No! No!
:'''Craig''': He’s fired?
:'''Betsy''': Craig! 
:'''Jimmy''': No, you can’t fire me! I found this case, it’s mine! Hey, you wanna hear about rights?! The second you say where you got this information from, guess who automatically gets a cut?! ''Me! So go ahead! Go ahead, see what happens!''
:''[Jimmy pretends to be upset after the Kettlemans leave, but slowly starts smiling as he walks away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gus and Juan Bolsa visit Hector at Casa Tranquila to send their condolences, still believing that Lalo is dead. The dialogue is in Spanish.]''
:'''Bolsa''': He wishes to make amends. At least hear him out.
:'''Gus''': Don Hector. It's no secret that I did not see eye to eye with your nephew. And while the friction between your family and myself did not start with him, today I am reminded we are all Eladio's men. No matter our disagreements, a strike against one is a strike against all. I hope you will accept my condolences and my support as you navigate this terrible loss.
:'''Bolsa''': Gustavo speaks the truth. In this matter, he and I both stand shoulder to shoulder behind the Salamanca family. We are still looking for the traitor, Ignacio Varga. ''[places hand on Hector's shoulder]'' We will find him. And then your family will have justice.
:''[Hector slowly reaches his hand out to Gus. As Gus holds his hand, he notices a change of expression on Hector's face and stares at him. Cut to outside the nursing home.]'' 
:'''Bolsa''': ''[to Gus in English]'' We'll be in touch.
:''[Gus calls Mike on his cell phone after Bolsa drives away]''
:'''Mike''': What did you learn?
:'''Gus''': Lalo Salamanca lives.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy gets a call from Betsy Kettleman after she finds out there was no case against Howard]''
:'''Jimmy''': Saul Goodman, speedy justice for you. Oh, wait! Okay, just take a breath, and then we can... Okay, okay. I can tell you're upset. Just... I–I never advised that. No. ''[sighs]'' No, I did not, so let's agree to disagree. ''[pause]'' Okay, I think you're going to want to meet in person before you do anything rash. So how about–how about we meet up, and we can hash this out. ''[pause]'' Yeah, sure! Tomorrow, first thing. Uh, 9 A.M, I can come to your office. That work? ...Okay, okay! Good! ''[hangs up]'' 
:'''Kim''': I'm surprised it took them this long. You, uh... You're gonna use the stick, right? 
:'''Jimmy''': The stick? Well, it's a big stick. But I know these people, they're more carrot types. Especially her. ''[takes out cash and puts the bills in his suit pocket]'' Spoonful of sugar, you know?
:'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' I think maybe I'll come, too.
:'''Jimmy''': Tomorrow? Really?
:'''Kim''': Sure. I have time.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' Okay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tyrus''': They found the truck, but no sign of Varga. Salamancas have all eyes looking for him, including the federales. Still not picking up his cell, so nobody got a lock on it. Now as for Lalo, still missing. As far as everybody in the cartel is concerned, top to bottom, Lalo is dead.
:'''Mike''': May I offer a thought? ''[pause; to Gus]'' If Salamanca was coming straight for you, he'd be here already. We've got guys watching anywhere he might turn up this side of Mexico. Wire taps on any phone he might call. There is not a whiff of him. Now, my guess is he's smart enough to know it's not in the Salamanca family interest to take you out without a reason the bosses can get behind. So, the odds are he's searching for Varga. Finds him alive, gets him to talk. ''[pause; Gus remains silent]'' Varga's alone in foreign territory, no one he can trust. The kid's smart, but he's not gonna last. ''[Gus stands up]'' He's gonna get caught.
:''[Gus accidentally knocks a glass over and kneels down to pick up the shards from the floor]''
:'''Gus''': Continue.
:'''Mike''': The best way to handle this: I take four of our best guys, cross the border and track Varga down. Let me find him, bring him back before the Salamancas sweep him up. It's our only play.
:''[After cleaning up the broken glass, Gus throws it away and looks out a nearby window]''
:'''Gus''': ''[beat; in Spanish]'' Varga's father. Bring him here.
:'''Mike''': No. You're not doing that. ''[locks the door after Tyrus gets his gun out]'' You don't understand. That's not happening. 
:'''Tyrus''': ''[walks up to Mike and aims gun at him]'' Just say the word.
:'''Mike''': Whatever happens next... it's not gonna go down the way you think it is.
:''[Mike stares at Tyrus, who cocks his gun and waits for Mike to make a move.]''
:'''Mike''': ''[beat; hears cell phone vibrating]'' It's him.
:'''Tyrus''': Bullshit. I've been calling Varga for hours. He hasn't picked up once. 
:'''Mike''': He's been trying to get me since he left the Salamancas. ''[opens phone]'' You want me to answer it?
:''[Tyrus turns to Gus, who nods. Mike answers the phone and speaks to Nacho]''
:'''Mike''': Yeah. ''[pause]'' Yeah. ...Not my call. ''[pause]'' That's up to you. ''[to Gus]'' He wants to talk to you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Betsy:''' You used us &amp;ndash; us and our good name &amp;ndash; to character-assassinate Howard Hamlin. Somehow, some way, it benefits you to tear him down.
:'''Craig:''' Yeah. And we're&amp;ndash;we're mad.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay, yeah. I'm hearing a lot of unfounded accusations being tossed around. I don't know anything about schemes or character assassination or whatnot, but... ''[clears throat]'' if you're feeling slighted, we can make it right. ''[Jimmy hands Betsy a bundle of cash]''
:'''Betsy:''' Money? ''[scoffs]'' Money's not gonna take care of this.
:'''Jimmy:''' Money takes care of everything. Isn't that the motto stitched onto the Kettleman family crest?
:'''Betsy:''' We don't want money. 
:'''Jimmy:''' I am non-plussed. I'm guessing you want something.
:'''Betsy:''' Do what you promised.
:'''Jimmy:''' Do what I what?
:'''Betsy:''' Exonerate Craig. Get his good name back. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Alright. Well, as you've been advised, for a number of reasons that's not gonna happen.
:'''Betsy:''' It ''is'' gonna happen. It is. It's... You're just gonna have to figure out a way.
:'''Craig:''' If anyone can do this, it's you.
:'''Betsy:''' I know you don't want us going to Howard Hamlin. Because whatever it is you're up to, I'm sure he would be ''very'' interested.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay, let's just go easy on the threats.
:'''Betsy:''' We want our lives back! The way they were before. ''Before.'' We lost everything! And we don't deserve any of this.
:'''Kim:''' Okay. Enough carrot. ''[clears throat]''
:''[Kim turns to the home phone next to her and begins to dial]''
:'''Craig:''' Dial 9 to get out.
:'''Kim:''' Oh, thank you.
:'''Betsy:''' ''[whispering; to Craig]'' We didn't give her permission to use the phone.
:'''Craig:''' ''[whispering; to Betsy]'' She needs to use the phone.
:'''Jimmy:''' Kim... ?
:''[The line connects; Kim speaks through the phone's speaker]''
:'''Receptionist:''' Internal Revenue Service, Albuquerque.
:'''Kim:''' Hi. Could you put me through to Justin Stangel in Criminal Investigations? 
:'''Receptionist:''' One moment, please.
:'''Betsy:''' ''[to Kim]'' What are you doing? Excuse me!
:'''Justin:''' This is Justin.
:'''Kim:''' Justin, Kim Wexler. How are you?
:'''Justin:''' Hey, Kim. Good to hear from you.
:'''Kim:''' How are Noreen and the boys?
:'''Justin:''' Oh, hanging in. Noreen always talks about having you by for dinner some time.
:'''Kim:''' We should do that. Tell her to call me. Listen, I was wondering who your CID officer is these days.
:'''Justin:''' You have something for us?
:'''Kim:''' Oh, I just might: Tax preparer fraud. A lot of it.
:'''Justin:''' I'm listening.
:'''Kim:''' Well, it's this, uh, run-down little mom-and-pop outfit I've had my eye on for a while. ''[chuckles]'' Don't ask me why. Clearly, I need to get a life. But from what I can glean, their clients always end up with smaller refunds than they deserve.
:'''Betsy:''' ''[whispering]'' Please don't do this.
:'''Justin:''' Do the clients sign over third-party authorization?
:'''Kim:''' Bingo. So what I'm thinking is, these creeps file legit returns with you guys, give the clients fake ones that show about half the proper amount, and then pocket the difference. 
:'''Justin:''' Classic scam. Well, I know just the guy to go after these dirtbags. Tony Oropallo. Real bulldog. I'll transfer you over.
:'''Kim:''' Such a big help, Justin.
:'''Justin:''' You got it. Talk soon.
:'''Betsy:''' You don't have to do this.
:'''Kim:''' ''[to Betsy]'' Don't I? Betsy... You'll probably get twenty-four months, maybe eighteen with good behavior. But Craig? You are a two-time loser. They will definitely make an example out of you. Each false return they discover will be a separate felony. What are we talking? A hundred?
:'''Betsy:''' Uh...
:'''Kim:''' Two-hundred? 
:'''Tony:''' ''[beat]'' CID, Anthony Oropallo speaking.
:''[Betsy runs to the phone and slams down the receiver to end the call]''
:'''Betsy:''' Please. We'll do anything. Just tell us.
:'''Kim:''' ''[beat]'' Why would I believe ''you?'' Huh?
:'''Craig:''' Please. 
:'''Kim:''' ''[long pause]'' First. First, you contact every person you've ripped off. Tell them you made an accounting error, tell them you're crooks who had a change of heart, I don't care. Give them what they are legally owed. Everything you stole. And then after that, you're going to forget you ever heard the name Howard Hamlin. I'm keeping my eye on both of you. You think you've lost everything? ''You have no idea.''
:''[Kim leaves the room with Jimmy while the Kettlemans stand shellshocked, on the verge of tears]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy:''' [[w:Inflatable (Better Call Saul)|Wolves and sheep]].
:'''Kim:''' Huh?
:'''Jimmy:''' ...Nothing.

=== ''[[w:Rock and Hard Place|Rock and Hard Place]]'' [6.03] ===
:''[Nacho calls his father from an auto shop while on the run]''
:'''Manuel''': A-to-Z Fine Upholstery. Hello?
:'''Nacho''': Dad. It's me.
:'''Manuel''': Nacho?
:'''Nacho''': ''Si'', Papa. ''Hola''.
:'''Manuel''': ''[sighs]'' ''Hola, hijo.'' ''[in Spanish]'' How are you?
:'''Nacho''': ''[in Spanish]'' Good, good. Um... just wanted to hear your voice.
:'''Manuel''': Nacho, where are you? You sound strange.
:''[pause]''
:'''Nacho''': It's not important.... I was just checking in, that's all.
:'''Manuel''': Okay. ''Hijo'', I have lots of work to do. We've been through this, so many times. You know what you have to do... go to the police.
:'''Nacho''': Yes, Papa. I understand... I hear you.
:''[pause]''
:'''Manuel''': What else is there to say? Hmm? Goodbye, ''hijo''.
:'''Nacho''': ''[choked up]'' Goodbye, Papa.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Nacho calls Mike at an auto repair shop in Mexico while on the run from the Salamancas]''
:'''Mike''': Yeah.
:'''Nacho''': It's me.
:'''Mike''': Yeah.
:'''Nacho''': You knew. You knew that I was going to Mexico to die, that I was never supposed to make it out of that motel. And you let it happen.
:'''Mike''': Not my call.
:'''Nacho''': What happens now?
:'''Mike''': That's up to you. 
:'''Nacho''': Is that bastard with you? Put him on.
:'''Mike''': Hmm. ''[to Gus]'' He wants to talk to you.
:'''Gus''': ''[takes cell phone from Mike; to Nacho]'' Yes.
:'''Nacho''': You are screwed. ''[pause]'' You want the cartel to blame me for Lalo. But if they catch me, and make me talk? ''Ooh...'' That is not good for you, is it? Even if I disappear, everyone's gonna smell your stink all over it. The only way that this works for you is with me dead. ''[beat]'' Alright. Whatever bullshit way you want the story to go, I will make it go. But... I need one thing. 
:'''Gus''': Yes?
:'''Nacho''': My dad. I need to know that he will be safe.
:'''Gus''': If you are true to your word, there will be no reason for anyone to harm your father.
:'''Nacho''': ''You'' are not the one that I need to hear it from.
:''[Gus puts the phone on speaker so Mike can speak to Nacho]''
:'''Mike''': Your dad's gonna be okay.
:'''Nacho''': How do you know?
:'''Mike''': Because anyone who goes after him is gonna have to come through me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Huell sit in a car; Jimmy pays Huell for duplicating the keys to Howard's Jaguar]''
:'''Huell:''' Can I ask you sum'n?
:'''Jimmy:''' Sure, go ahead.
:'''Huell:''' Personal, kind of.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay. What?
:'''Huell:''' You're a lawyer. You make good money, right?
:'''Jimmy:''' Good days and bad, but yeah.
:'''Huell:''' Legit money, on the level.
:'''Jimmy:''' Yeah, so?
:'''Huell:''' Your wife's a lawyer. A legit lawyer.
:'''Jimmy:''' Yeah.
:'''Huell:''' Why you do all this? 
:'''Jimmy:''' Oh, I got you. I&amp;ndash;I know from the outside that this looks like just another scam, but you're not seeing the bigger picture. Couple months from now, there are people whose lives are gonna be way better. Because of this. We're making a real difference. Trust me. We're doing the Lord's work here. 
:'''Huell:''' ''Hmph''. If you say so.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': What's going on?
:'''Kim''': I have news, Jimmy. Lalo is dead.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[exhales deeply]'' Holy shit. 
:'''Kim''': The DA's office put it together that Lalo was calling himself De Guzman. They are pretty upset they let him go.
:'''Jimmy''': I'll bet they are.
:'''Kim''': Ericsen seems to think that if Lalo lied to you and you didn't know about the pseudonym, that you could break confidentiality. She wants you to talk. She says it's right.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, what do you think we should do?
:'''Kim''': You... should do whatever you want, Jimmy. They don't have anything on you. It's just a fishing expedition to see if you bite.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' You think I should do it?
:'''Kim''': It depends.  
:'''Jimmy''': On what?
:'''Kim''': Well... ''[sighs]'' I guess it's basically... Do you want to be a friend of the cartel or... do you want to be a rat?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Nacho is driven to a remote location with Gus, Tyrus and Victor. There they meet Juan Bolsa, Hector Salamanca, and the Cousins. Bolsa kneels next to Nacho.]''
:'''Bolsa:''' Today, you are going to die. But there are good deaths, and there are bad deaths. Tell me what I need to know, I'll see that your death is a good one. Who put you up to this?
:''[Nacho glances at Gus, as if he's about to turn on him]''
:'''Bolsa:''' One last chance. ''Who?'' ''[long pause; scoffs and gets up to leave]''
:'''Nacho:''' It was Alvarez. Los Odios, out of Peru. They paid me to set up your nephew. And I did.
:''[Hector furiously rings his bell and attempts to point to Gus, who he knows is the real culprit]''
:'''Bolsa:''' Alvarez, we know. Los Odios, we know. Was anyone else involved?
:'''Nacho:''' ''[scoffs; nods to Gus]'' Him? You think the chicken man? ''Heh.'' What a joke. Alvarez has been paying me for years &amp;ndash; ''years''. ''[to the Salamancas]'' But you know what? I would have done it for free. Because I hate every last one of you psycho sacks of shit. I opened Lalo's gate, and I would do it again. And I'm glad what they did to him. He's a soulless pig, and I wished I'd killed him with my own hands. And you know what else, Hector? I put you in that chair. Oh, yeah. Your heart meds? I switched them for sugar pills. You were dead and buried, and I had to watch ''this'' asshole... ''[gestures to Gus]'' ...bring you back. So when you are sitting in your shitty nursing home and you're sucking down on your Jell-O night after night for the rest of your life, ''you think of '''me,''' you twisted fuck.''

=== ''[[w:Hit and Run (Better Call Saul)|Hit and Run]]'' [6.04] ===
:'''Jimmy:''' What kind of asshole moves a cone?!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': So, I pull the Jag into the loading zone. And I start scrappin' with this hunk of metal. It was in deep—like, &quot;down a well&quot; deep—so I just... wrassled it! UGH! ''[Kim laughs hysterically]'' Like a freakin' bear, and I jam it in the dirt in front of the Jag! Boom! Barely made it out of there with the skin of my teeth. ''Who moves cones?'' Who does that?
:'''Kim''': Narcissists.
:'''Jimmy''': Heh, you're damn right. So you think Cliff really bought it, huh?
:'''Kim''': One hundred percent! You should've seen his face. It landed, trust me. God, it was... beautiful. ''[pause]'' Oh, and that is not all. 
:'''Jimmy''': Spill.
:'''Kim''': So... I'm doing the stall. I'm telling Cliff what I'm doing—what I wanna be doing. All I'm thinking is, I gotta stretch this out until you get there, but then... I don't know. I... kinda got caught up in it, and then... Cliff went for it. I mean, like, ''really'' went for it.
:'''Jimmy''': What does that mean? Like, money?
:'''Kim''': I don't think he'll write a check himself, but he knows people. And I think he'll deliver.
:'''Jimmy''': You're kidding! 
:'''Kim''': I know! How great is that?
:'''Jimmy''': This is unbelievable. ''[Kim laughs]'' Are we on a roll, or are we on a roll? Jeez! 
:'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' You ever feel like you're being followed? ''[pause]'' When I dropped Wendy off at the motel, she thought she was being watched by some undercover cops. But then when I drove away... that same car was behind ''me.'' Right after I spotted them, they disappeared.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, you know what they say: The wicked flee where no man pursueth. 
:'''Kim''': ...You think we're wicked?
:'''Jimmy''': No. What? ''[chuckles]'' It's just a turn of phrase. I think you're wicked hot. ''[pause]'' Alright. Listen to the voice of experience, okay? You know why you're feeling like this? Because we got away with it. It seems too good to be true, but trust me. Nobody is following you. ''[takes Kim's hand]'' No one knows what we're doing except for us. Okay?
:'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' Okay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy confronts Bill Oakley at the courthouse when he notices his colleagues' cold treatment of him]''
:'''Jimmy''': What the hell is going on?! How come everyone's treating me like I'm covered in oozing pus sores?
:'''Bill''': I liked you better when you were just a regular bottom feeder. But this?
:'''Jimmy''': This? What is, &quot;this?&quot;
:'''Bill''': I understand advocating for your client. Deep in my heart, I get it. But you scammed the court. You scammed the judge, and for what? To get a murdering cartel psychopath back out on the street? It's just... wrong.
:'''Jimmy''': That's a lot of big talk, Bill. Prove it. Prove it, Bill!
:'''Bill''': There's proving, and then there's knowing. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': They're gone.
:'''Kim''': I'm sorry?
:'''Mike''': The two men that were following you. They're gone.
:'''Kim''': Do I know you?
:'''Mike''': Would you mind sitting for a moment, and I will answer any questions I can. ''[pause; Kim sits down next to Mike]'' I have men watching you and your husband. I'm not with the police, and as far as I know, they're not investigating either of you. I ''do'' know that you've been up to a few things that you probably would rather keep private. I don't care. That's not what this is about. I'm trying to solve a problem of my own. 
:'''Kim''': What problem?
:'''Mike''': Lalo Salamanca.
:'''Kim''': Lalo Salamanca's dead. ''[beat; Mike says nothing and stares at Kim]'' He... isn't.
:'''Mike''': We're watching anyone he might contact. That includes you and your husband. Most likely, he'll never reach out. He's got bigger fish to fry. But in the thousand to one chance that he does...
:'''Kim''': And who do you work for?
:'''Mike''': I said I would answer anything I can. 
:'''Kim''': ''[long pause]'' [[w:Bagman (Better Call Saul)|You're the guy from the desert]]. The one who was out there with Jimmy. Why are you telling me this and not him?
:'''Mike''': Because I think you're made of sterner stuff. ''[pause; gets up]'' Alright. Now here's what's best for everyone. You spot my guys again—which I'm hoping you won't—let them go about their business. Just pretend they're not there. And pretty soon, they won't be. You and your husband just... go on living your lives. ''[starts to leave]''
:'''Kim''': I do know you. You worked in the parking booth at the courthouse. ''[pause]'' You were the attendant.
:'''Mike''': ...I was.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kim meets Jimmy at a strip mall where an office space is available for lease]''
:'''Kim''': What are we doing here?
:'''Jimmy''': Take a look. What do you think?
:'''Kim''': About what?
:'''Jimmy''': My new office. Potentially. Come on.
:''[They both peer through the storefront windows of the office, which is empty except for a lone toilet]''
:'''Kim''': Huh.
:'''Jimmy''': Mrs. Nguyen kicked me to the curb.
:'''Kim''': What? Why?
:'''Jimmy''': It's a long story, but upshot is she wants me out of there with extreme prejudice.
:'''Kim''': Wow. Bad day, huh?
:'''Jimmy''': Well, no. It was a... great day. With actual paying clients. The word is out! People were throwing cash retainers at me just to say Saul Goodman is their lawyer.
:'''Kim''': Because of who you represented.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, I mean, that's part of it. But the bottom line is I need a new place for new business pronto. Now, this place is a shithole, but the price is right. And I think I can talk the landlord into a month-to-month. So, it's temporary until I find something better. ''[sighs; pause]'' Hey. What do you think?
:'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' It's small. It's... dirty. And this whole place smells funny. ''[pause]'' But the courthouse is five blocks away. You can't get to MDC without driving past. Parking is good, bail bond row isn't far, and uh... Taco Cabeza is just around the corner. Might be a diamond in the rough. Just promise me... you won't move the toilet.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[chuckles]'' There it is. Alright. Uh... speaking of Taco Cabeza.
:'''Kim''': I'm starving. Let's do it.

=== ''[[w:Black and Blue (Better Call Saul)|Black and Blue]]'' [6.05] ===
:''[Cliff informs Howard about witnessing Jimmy throw Wendy out of Howard's car]''
:'''Howard:''' I threw a woman out of my car? In the middle of the street? And I&amp;ndash;''zip''&amp;ndash;I just drive right past you? I... That's what you're saying? I-I-I don't even... I don't know how to respond to that.
:'''Cliff:''' I'm not asking you to respond. I just need you to know that ''I'' know. 
:'''Howard:''' It wasn't me, Cliff. Whoever you think you saw&amp;ndash;
:'''Cliff:''' Yeah, sorry, but that's the kind of thing my son used to say. It was your Jaguar, your &quot;Namaste&quot; plate. It was you! Howard, there's no harm in asking for help. You got a lot of people in your corner.
:'''Howard:''' So there's the-the baggie at the county club.
:'''Cliff:''' Yes.
:'''Howard:''' After that, some clients&amp;ndash;who you can't name because of privilege&amp;ndash;make insinuations. Then on Thursday, you have a business meeting and you witness a Jaguar speeding past. ''[beat]'' Who were you meeting with?
:'''Cliff:''' Not sure why that's germaine, but... Kim Wexler. She came to me for career advice.
:''[Howard's face becomes awash with realization]''
:'''Howard:''' ''Mmm.'' All right. ''[pause]'' Okay. ''[takes out his cell phone]'' Of course. ''[scoffs]'' Of course. ''[to Cliff]'' Cliff, I know this wasn't easy for you. You came to me as a friend. I appreciate it.
:'''Cliff:''' You can start today, Howard.
:'''Howard:''' Oh, I will. Because you're right, I ''do'' have a problem. Just not the problem you think. I have a Jimmy McGill problem.
:'''Cliff:''' Jimmy McGill?!
:'''Howard:''' You'll have to excuse me.
:'''Cliff:''' Howard!
:'''Howard:''' ''[to his secretary on the phone]'' Julie. Cancel my week. Yes, my whole week. 
:'''Cliff:''' Howard!
:''[Howard climbs into his Jaguar and drives away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy walks into a boxing club and sees Howard, who pretended to be a potential client named &quot;Mr. Ward&quot;]''
:'''Howard''': Hello, Jimmy.
:'''Jimmy''': Mr. Ward, I presume. As in... H.O. Ward. That is really cute, Howard. So, wait. That means that you're the guy who shanked some dude in a rumble near Central Pen. ''[sighs]'' That's—that's very street of you. 
:'''Howard''': I thought it sounded like a Saul Goodman kind of case.
:'''Jimmy''': ...Alright, so what are we doing here? 
:'''Howard''': I'm tired, Jimmy. You and me, us. I'm tired of this. Aren't you? It's exhausting. ''[points at boxing ring behind him]'' Let's punch it out.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[chuckles]'' Are you kidding?
:'''Howard''': Dead serious. Hoping you might get it out of your system. Do I think it'll work? ''[shrugs]'' I don't know. Call it a Hail Mary. I have the gear, I rented the ring. It's just you and me... ''[points at the man standing behind Jimmy]'' and Macky to ref. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' I am sorry, but have you lost your mind?
:'''Howard''': Actually, I'm as clear-headed as I've ever been in my life. You didn't even try to hide your tracks. The baggie of drugs at the country club, the clients you sent to discredit me, ''another'' prostitute.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, once again as usual, I—
:'''Howard''': Please. I could go on. All roads lead back to you. It's Psych 101. You want to get caught. 
:'''Jimmy''': So what? Is this like pistols at dawn?
:'''Howard''': I'm trying to give you what you want. 
:'''Jimmy''': What I want? I don't... I think this is what ''you'' want. You wanna beat the shit out of me? Legally? 
:'''Howard''': I think you can hold up your end. You must've gotten into a few good scrapes in your old neighborhood. 
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, right. I could've been a contender. 
:'''Howard''': Indulge me. Let's see what we see. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause; smiles]'' Thanks for the laughs. ''[chuckles]'' &quot;Mr. Ward.&quot; 
:''[Jimmy laughs and starts to walk out, but stops. He and Howard are seen suited up with boxing gloves as they begin their fight. They both land a few punches on each other, but Howard eventually knocks Jimmy down]'' 
:'''Howard''': ''[to Jimmy]'' You've mistaken my kindness for weakness. I like to think that tonight made a difference. I like to think that this ends it. ''[pause; shakes his head]'' Probably not.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': I should've left Howard standing there like a yutz. Instead I let him suck me into his game. Why did I do that?
:'''Kim''': You had your reasons. 
:'''Jimmy''': I did? Like what?
:'''Kim''': Because... you know. 
:'''Jimmy''': I know...?
:'''Kim''': ''[holds Jimmy's hand]'' You know what's coming next.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo has travelled to Germany using an alias, and meets Margarethe, Werner's widow, at a bar]''
:'''Margarethe''': I knew his work was dangerous. I never imagined such a thing, but... I suppose I try not to. 
:'''Lalo''': That is terrible. What kind of accident was it?
:'''Margarethe''': A cave-in.
:'''Lalo''': Cave-in?
:'''Margarethe''': He was able to save his men. He got them out, but then... the structure collapsed.
:'''Lalo''': So your husband was a hero.
:'''Margarethe''': ''[smiles]'' He would never accept that. My Werner was too humble.
:'''Lalo''': ...And what were they building there?
:'''Margarethe''': My husband didn't talk much about his work. It was very secretive. 
:'''Lalo''': Oh... I'm sure he must have told you something. 
:'''Margarethe''': The lawyers came to my house. I asked questions, they wouldn't say much.
:'''Lalo''': ''[shakes his head]'' Lawyers.
:'''Margarethe''': They went through Werner's things. Took anything that they called, uh... Oh, how do you say it? ''[pause]'' Proprietary? I'm sorry, my English is—
:'''Lalo''': Oh, it's excellent. 
:'''Margarethe''': I didn't care about it. All the boxes of folders, his papers. Why do I need all that stuff?
:'''Lalo''': And what about your husband's men? I mean, they must have said something to you.
:'''Margarethe''': Werner loved ''deine jungs''—his boys—but I never even met them. 
:'''Lalo''': What do you mean? Not even at the funeral?
:'''Margarethe''': You'd think they would want to pay respect to the man who saved their lives. They sent flowers, keepsakes, and so on... but not one of them showed his face. 
:'''Lalo''': Wow. That is... ''[sighs]'' It's just not right.

=== ''[[w:Axe and Grind | Axe and Grind]]'' [6.06] ===
:''[Casper, one of Werner's former workers, spots Lalo approaching his home while chopping wood]''
:'''Lalo''': ''Guten tag!''
:'''Casper''': ''Guten tag.'' ''[in German]'' This is private property. Who are you looking for? Are you lost?
:'''Lalo''': ''[in English]'' Yeah, sorry. I don't speak any German!
:'''Casper''': ''[in English]'' Are you lost?
:'''Lalo''': It's a beautiful place you have here. The air, it's just so... ''fresh!''
:'''Casper''': ...Do I know you?
:'''Lalo''': Well, I don't think we've ''officially'' met-
:''[Casper grabs his axe and runs inside a nearby wooden shed while Lalo draws his gun. Lalo searches when he's suddenly dropped by a blow from Casper]''
:'''Casper''': Who are you?! '''''Who are you?!'''''
:'''Lalo''': ''[strained]'' Ed-Eduardo... Salamanca! I'm not here for you... This is about Fring. Guh- I want to know... I want to know what he's building.
:'''Casper''': How did you find me?
:'''Lalo''': Ma- Marga... M-Margarethe Z-Ziegler.
:'''Casper''': What have you done to her?!
:'''Lalo''': Nothing, nothing. You sent her a gi- a gift. ''[pulls out a business card and shows it to Casper]''
:'''Casper''': ''Was ist das?''
:''[Lalo's hidden a razor blade behind the card. He springs up and cuts Casper's face, then grabs his axe and cuts his foot off]''
:'''Lalo''': ''[cheerfully] Carajo!'' I think you broke one of my ribs! ''[tosses Casper his belt]'' Here. Tie that off... before you bleed to death. ''You and I are gonna have a '''talk.'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Holy shit! The Jackson Mercer Foundation, that's like... the good housekeeping seal of approval.
:'''Kim''': Well, it's not a done deal. Some of the foundation board members are flying in next week to meet the lieutenant governor at a luncheon in Santa Fe, so... they are inviting a select group of people with... Cliff called them, &quot;up-and-coming organizations,&quot; and uh... Yeah. Cliff thinks I have a good shot. 
:'''Jimmy''': A good shot? You have more than a shot! They are gonna love you on sight!
:'''Kim''': The only thing is the lunch is on D-Day.
:'''Jimmy''': So, what? That's—You don't have to be there on the day! Was Eisenhower on Omaha Beach? No. Kim, this is great, right? It's ''huge!''
:'''Kim''': ...It is pretty great! ''[laughs]''
:'''Jimmy''': Kim, this is fantastic! ''[kisses Kim]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy has Francesca call HHM and pose as a relative of a Sandpiper resident to get details about the upcoming mediation]''
:'''Jimmy''': What is the hold up?
:'''Francesca''': I just... I don't know if I'm comfortable. Is this even legal?
:'''Jimmy''': I'm sorry, which one of us went to law school? Because I can stand here and go through the ins and outs of what's quote-unquote legal with you, but we're on the clock.
:'''Francesca''': I just don't—
:'''Jimmy''': Francesca, let's get something straight, okay? We can't be holding a graduate seminar in constitutional law every time I give you something to do.
:'''Francesca''': But I—I'm not sure if—
:'''Jimmy''': You know what I'm paying you? It is above market. To whom much is given, much is expected! ''[takes out cell phone and starts dialing a number]''
:'''Francesca''': We're not gonna make a habit of this?
:'''Jimmy''': Of course not! Absolutely not. No, no, no. ''[gives phone to Francesca]'' Put it on speaker and let me... ''[moves closer]''
:'''HHM Employee #1''': Hamlin Hamlin McGill.
:'''Francesca''': Hi... there. I'm calling because my—my mother is... is—Well, I guess she's a—a client of yours. She lives in, uh, Sandpiper Assisted Living.
:'''HHM Employee #1''': Sandpiper, of course. Let me transfer you.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[to Francesca while she's on hold]'' It's just a phone call. 
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Good afternoon. Do you have a question about the Sandpiper case?
:'''Francesca''': ''[waits for Jimmy to nod]'' Yes. My mother's out of the facility in Amarillo. Says she's supposed to call in to some meeting on Thursday?
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Yes, you're talking about the mediation?
:'''Francesca''': That's it. The thing is, she's lost her dial-in instructions. ''[sighs nervously]'' I'm just looking everywhere and can't find them.
:'''HHM Employee #2''': I'd be happy to help you with that. It's very important to us that all the class members are fully looked in. What's your mother's name?
:'''Francesca''': ''[Tells name mouthed by Jimmy]'' Uh, Marnie Stuber. ''[watches Jimmy form the letters as she spells aloud]'' That's–that's S-T-U-B-E-R. ''[sighs nervously again when Jimmy forces her to smile]'' Oh, bless your heart. She'll be so relieved!
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Okay, it's very simple. The meeting is happening at our offices. So she just has to call the main line—the same number you called just now—press 7, and then enter the passcode. I can give that to you now. Do you have a pen?
:'''Francesca''': Uh... ''[Jimmy quickly takes out a pen]'' Y–yeah, I'm ready.
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Okay. It's 8-4-2-1-5-9. ''[Jimmy writes the numbers on his hand]'' 
:'''Francesca''': 8-4-2-1-5-9?
:'''HHM Employee #2''': That's right.
:'''Francesca''': Okay! Uh, thank you so much. Really appreciate it.
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Of course, take care. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[hangs up immediately]'' Was that so hard?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy sees the real Rand Casimiro at a liquor store wearing a cast that was not shown in the fake photos he shot earlier. He bolts out of there and gets in his car before being seen by the judge.]''
:'''Jimmy''': FUCK! ''[bangs on steering wheel and chuckles nervously before dialing Kim on his cell phone]''
:''[Cut to Kim driving on the highway to Santa Fe.]'' 
:'''Kim''': &quot;Ultimately, it's about equal justice, a system that works for everyone. A justice system that works for everyone, and what is more important than that?&quot; ''[hears phone ringing and answers it]'' Hey, Jimmy.
:'''Jimmy''': Flag on the play! You're not gonna believe this, but I just ran into Casimiro—the real one.
:'''Kim''': Oh, God.
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, and before you ask, he didn't shave his mustache. ''He broke his arm.'' 
:'''Kim''': Are you serious?
:'''Jimmy''': The guy has a giant cast on his left arm! And I checked all the pictures and you can see his arm in every single one of them! No cast, clear as day! 
:'''Kim''': Shit! SHIT!
:'''Jimmy''': I KNOW! I '''KNOW!''' Uh... But, hey. Hey, hey, look at it this way: If I hadn't seen him... I mean, that would've really—that really could've sunk us. Right? So, we're gonna pull the plug and we are going to live to fight another day.
:'''Kim''': ...What other day? 
:'''Jimmy''': Well, we'll figure it out. I promise, okay? So, just go. Just do your thing in Santa Fe, and we'll regroup when you get home tonight. ''[beat; Kim says nothing]'' Kim? Kim, you still there? 
:'''Kim''': Yes.
:'''Jimmy''': Did you hear what I said?
:'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' It happens today. 
:''[Kim quickly turns around and starts driving back to Albuquerque.]''

=== ''[[w:Plan and Execution | Plan and Execution]]'' [6.07] ===
:''[An intern at HHM, Cary, drops soda cans when he sees Howard setting up the conference room for the Sandpiper mediation]''
:'''Cary''': Uh, excuse me, Mr. Hamlin! I-I was told I should restock the fridge before the meeting.
:'''Howard''': No worries. Here, let me give you a hand.
:'''Cary''': Thank you!
:'''Howard''': Uh, you're... Gary?
:'''Cary''': Cary! Anderson.
:'''Howard''': Mm... of course. Cary. ''[sees Cary stocking the fridge with the dropped cans]'' Cary, what happens when you drop or shake a can of soda?
:'''Cary''': ...Right. ''[mimes explosion]'' I'm sorry, I'm, uh...
:'''Howard''': Here, let me show you a little trick. ''[picks up and spins a soda can]'' Something about the centrifugal force pulls the bubbles from the inside of the can, stops it from exploding. Don't want our clients to get a surprise now, do we?
:'''Cary''': That works?
:''[Howard opens the can without incident and takes a sip]''
:'''Cary''': Alright!
:'''Howard''': You know who taught me that trick? ''[points at the picture of Chuck in the conference room]'' He used to do it. Had a habit - anytime he opened a can, almost unconsciously. I asked him about it once... just his way of being prepared for anything, accidental or otherwise. 
:'''Cary''': Um, I'm sorry, I'm... kinda new here. I- I have to ask, who is that?
:'''Howard''': Charles McGill. The &quot;M&quot; in HHM. Greatest legal mind I ever knew.
:'''Cary''': Wow! I hope someone says that about me someday.
:'''Howard''': Well... maybe there are more important things.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Howard, Cliff, and the rest of the parties in the Sandpiper mediation are in the HHM conference room; Rand Casimiro is seated at the head of the table; Jimmy and Kim listen in on the meeting through a disposable cell phone in Saul Goodman's office]''
:'''Rand Casimiro:''' Hello. I know we're all anxious to get things started but you'll have to suffer through my traditional spiel, unfortunately. My name is Rand Casimiro, and I am your mediator for these proceedings. Now, I'm happy to be here. But at the end, hopefully all of you in the room and those listening from various locations ''won't'' be happy with me. And why do I say that? Because the best solutions mean compromise. It's compromise from both sides. That's my goal. But as my wife always says, compromising doesn't mean I'm right and she's wrong. ''[chuckles]'' So, let us move forward—
:'''Howard:''' ''Hmph.''
:''[Everyone in the conference room turns to Howard]''
:'''Cliff:''' ...Howard?
:'''Howard:''' I-I'm... Wow. ''[pause]'' I'm... I'm sorry. I don't think we can proceed with these negotiations today.
:'''Rich:''' Why not?
:'''Howard:''' Well, let's just say, circumstances beyond any of our control.
:'''Rich:''' Well, I'm going to have to insist that you be more specific.
:'''Howard:''' Well, our mediator here keeps using the word &quot;compromise&quot; when ''he'', in fact, is compromised.
:'''Casimiro:''' I beg your pardon?
:'''Howard:''' I think you heard me.
:'''Cliff:''' Howard...?
:'''Howard:''' You drive a silver Miata, correct? 
:'''Casimiro:''' I do.
:'''Howard:''' And this morning, around 7 a.m., you walked across Trumbull Park in town?
:'''Casimiro:''' No. 
:'''Howard:''' You didn't stop at the park this morning?
:'''Casimiro:''' I didn't. I got to Albuquerque early, not at 7 a.m. And I didn't go to a park.
:'''Howard:''' You sure?
:'''Cliff:''' Howard, if the judge says he's sure, then I&amp;ndash;
:'''Casimiro:''' Of course I'm sure! If it matters, I arrived in town about ten, I stopped at a gas station, I went by a liquor store and bought a gift. I had a lunch salad and a very nice latté from the Flying Star on Menaul. I read ''[[w:Barron's_(newspaper)|Barron's]]''. Then came here.
:'''Howard:''' ''Mmmm''. So you weren't in town to visit our mutual acquaintance, James Morgan McGill? Or maybe you know him as &quot;Saul Goodman&quot;. 
:'''Casimiro:''' I don't know anyone by either of those names.
:'''Howard:''' Okay. You want to go that way? ''[to his secretary]'' Julie, go to my desk, please. There's an envelope with photos. Bring it to me quickly.
:'''Julie:''' Oh. Okay. ''[leaves]''
:'''Cliff:''' Howard, can we have a sidebar&amp;ndash;?
:'''Casimiro:''' I'm sorry. These photos &amp;ndash; these are photos of me? 
:'''Howard:''' They show exactly what I'm describing.
:'''Casimiro:''' You were following me?
:'''Howard:''' I had a private investigator following Jimmy McGill. You were photographed receiving what I estimate to be a $20,000 payoff this morning in the park.
:'''Rich:''' I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry. This is just&amp;ndash; ''[sighs; to Howard]'' You recommended this judge as a mediator and we agreed. And now... ''Jimmy?'' Jimmy McGill &amp;ndash; who originated this suit &amp;ndash; is ''what?'' 
:'''Howard:''' A-admittedly, it all sounds a bit baroque. But when you see the photos, things will be clearer.
:'''Casimiro:''' Well, I'm looking forward to that.
:''[long pause; Julie enters the room with the envelope]''
:'''Julie:''' I have the pictures, Mr. Hamlin. 
:'''Howard:''' Thank you, Julie. ''[opens the envelope]'' And now, take a look.
:''[Howard looks at the photos with Cliff, Schweikart, Casimiro, Irene and Julie looking behind him. Instead of an actor dressed as Casimiro as he had seen earlier, the photos show Jimmy sitting at a park bench exchanging a frisbee with the Sound Guy, dressed as a jogger]''
:'''Casimiro:''' ...Is that supposed to be ''me''?
:'''Howard:''' I, uh... This is... This is not... Julie, you got the wrong envelope.
:'''Julie:''' That was the only one on your desk.
:'''Howard:''' Look again!
:''[Julie leaves]''
:'''Howard:''' They-they've been switched. Somehow he switched them.
:'''Cliff:''' Howard...
:'''Howard:''' No. Jimmy &amp;ndash; he snuck in somehow, and these are not the pictures I saw.
:''[Howard turns to Erin, who notices that his pupils are now dilated]''
:'''Erin:''' Mr. Hamlin, are you all right? Your eyes...
:'''Howard:''' ''[agitated]'' I am fine! This is all something that will be sorted out, I am confident!
:''[Cliff rises and guides Howard out of his seat]''
:'''Cliff:''' I think a recess is in order.
:'''Howard:''' Nobody move! Evidence has been tampered with!
:'''Cliff:''' Now Howard, please!
:''[Howard and Cliff leave the conference room. Everyone left behind is stunned silent]''
:'''Irene:''' ...Is this how these usually go?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Cliff confronts Howard in his office after the fiasco in the conference room]''
:'''Howard:''' Cliff? Is that you? I'm not crazy, and I'm not on drugs. Please, come in. Now somehow, some way, that son of a bitch gave me something that dilated my pupils. I-I don't know what. But it's wearing off already, look. ''[gestures toward his eyes]'' 
:'''Cliff:''' You say that Jimmy McGill drugged you? How is that possible?
:'''Howard:''' The-the photos. They were wet with... ''something''.
:'''Cliff:''' The missing photos.
:'''Howard:''' Yeah. My P.I., Genidowski, had to have been in on it. He-he must have shown me one set of photos and then switched them after I left the office. 
:'''Cliff:''' Howard...
:'''Howard:''' Three weeks ago, Julie got a call from our detective agency. They wanted to update their contact info, so of course she changed the number in the system. But it turns out, it wasn't them. That was Jimmy. So when I needed an investigator to follow Jimmy, I called his fake number and his fake man. She just dialed the old number and, of course, got the actual agency. And, no surprise, no one by the name of Genidowski had ever worked there. I hired a con man. I got played. Every step of the way. I know what it sounds like, but you have to believe me.
:'''Cliff:''' I... It doesn't matter. Rich went back to the previous offer. I'll give a recommend to the class that we take it.
:'''Howard:''' No. No way. We do not let Jimmy win this.
:'''Cliff:''' Why would Jimmy even do this? He's a profit participant! This means less money for him!
:'''Howard:''' Because he's a child! He wants his money now! He begged me months ago to settle! You know what he does!
:'''Cliff:''' Whatever the truth is, we'll never get back to where we were before mediation. We have to settle.
:'''Howard:''' I'm lead attorney. And I won't sanction that decision.
:'''Cliff:''' Then I'm obligated to go to the partners and explain everything I've seen &amp;ndash; all of it. You think you're gonna be able to convince them it was all Jimmy McGill?
:'''Howard:''' ...Okay then. We go to trial. Cliff, this case is incredibly strong. I put this thing in front of a jury, then everything will&amp;ndash;
:'''Cliff:''' I'm not thinking about you, Howard. I'm not thinking about Jimmy. I'm thinking about the time, the expense, the uncertainty. I'm thinking about our clients!
:''[Howard bows his head in defeat.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo records a video message for Eladio while he's hiding in the sewers surveilling Gus' laundromat. The dialogue switches between Spanish and English.]''
:'''Lalo''': Don Eladio. Guess who?  It's Lalo, I'm alive! ''[chuckles]'' I'm here in beautiful downtown Albuquerque. ''[pans the camera around his belongings]'' Been here... four nights? Now, you may be asking, &quot;What am I doing down in this shithole?&quot; Well, [[w:Axe and Grind|a little Croatian bird told me a secret]]. Eh, he put up a hell of a fight, but he told me. Look. ''[points the camera at his target, Lavanderia Brilliante]'' See that? Right there... Fring's secret. Now, I've been watching and Fring hides his guards very well, but they're there, dressed like laundry workers. ''[zooms in on one &quot;worker&quot;]'' See? That's one there. They're hiding guns under the uniforms, but I see. I have a pretty good idea of what I'm up against. ''[points the camera back at himself]'' I can tell you what's in there. A big hole where a German engineer, Werner Ziegler, designed the perfect place to hide the... ''[in English]'' &quot;mother of all meth labs.&quot; ''[in Spanish]'' Well, that's my story. And Fring? Fring will have his story, a good one, and Bolsa will back him because he's an... ''[in English]'' &quot;earner.&quot; ''[in Spanish]'' So tonight, I go in... kill all the guards and show you the proof. And then? You decide... ''Adios.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Kim are watching a movie in Kim's apartment when they hear a knock at the door. It's revealed to be Howard, disheveled and holding a bottle of Macallan scotch whisky.]''
:'''Howard:''' Can I come in? 
:'''Jimmy:''' Yeah. Come on.
:'''Howard:''' Kim.
:'''Kim:''' Howard. You doing okay?
:'''Howard:''' I'm fine. Sorry to interrupt this, but I brought you a gift.
:'''Jimmy:''' A gift? What's the occasion?
:'''Howard:''' Your brother and I, we always had a meeting with Mr. Macallan after a big victory. Usually some brilliant summation by Chuck, that goes without saying. So this, this is for you. You earned it. You won.
:'''Jimmy:''' Won? Uh, what did I win?
:'''Howard:''' ''[pause]'' I get it. Of course you both have to play it this way. You're both so very good at it. 
:'''Kim:''' It's late, Howard. Do you want to tell us what this is about?
:'''Howard:''' I was wondering that too. ''[walks to the kitchen]'' What it's all about. I mean, what do you tell yourselves? What justification makes it okay? &quot;Howard's such an asshole that he deserves it?&quot; ''[offers two glasses to Jimmy and Kim]'' 
:'''Jimmy:''' We're good.
:'''Howard:''' So, what is it? I sided with Chuck too often? ''[points to Kim]'' I took away your office, put you in doc review? All of the above? Howard's daddy helped him get to the top, but you both had to struggle. &quot;Howie has so much and we have so little, let's take him down a peg or two.&quot; What allows you to do this to me? Because this isn't just a prank. No. This goes beyond [[w:Namaste (Better Call Saul)|throwing bowling balls on my car]]. This took planning, coordination. I mean, how many weeks? Or-or-or was it months? It couldn't have been easy. So tell me, why? Why go through this elaborate plot just to burn me to the ground?
:'''Jimmy:''' &quot;Burn you to the ground?&quot; Howard, come on. Y-you'll be fine. You always land on your feet.
:'''Howard:''' Yeah, sure. The Sandpiper settlement—HHM's share will be substantial, absolutely. Even though I humiliated myself. And my clients and peers will whisper that Howard Hamlin's a drug addict. You're right. I've worked my way through worse. Debt. Depression. My marriage falling apart.
:''[Jimmy blinks in surprise. He and Kim exchange looks]''
:'''Howard:''' Oh, yeah. Been sleeping in the guest house for the better part of a year. Just one more thing that good ol' Howard has to work through. But yes, I will land on my feet. I will be okay. But you? Far from it. You two... you two are soulless. Jimmy, you can't help yourself. Chuck knew it. You were ''born'' that way. ''[to Kim]'' But you—one of the smartest and most promising human beings I've ever known, and ''this'' is the life you choose. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Alright, you're too tight to drive, I'm calling a cab—
:'''Howard:''' Oh good, phony compassion. And you know what? Very, very believable. But I'm far from done.
:'''Kim:''' Oh no no no. You are done, Howard. Sorry, but you need to stop this now and you need to go home.
:'''Howard:''' You're perfect for each other. You have a piece missing. I-I-I thought you did it for the money, but it-it—Now it's so clear. Screw the money, you did it for fun! You get off on it! You're like [[w:Leopold and Loeb|Leopold and Loeb]], two sociopaths—
:'''Jimmy:''' Alright, that's enough.
:'''Howard:''' Oh, you know it's true, you just don't have the guts to admit it.
:'''Kim:''' Great. Now you need to go.
:'''Howard:''' I'm gonna make it clear to everyone, because I'm going to dedicate my life to making sure that everybody knows the truth. Believe it. You can't hide who you really are forever.
:''[Jimmy reflexively shields Kim as Lalo Salamanca enters the room; Jimmy is stunned]''
:'''Jimmy:''' How...
:''[Howard turns around and see Lalo, who non-chalantly stands next to him]''
:'''Kim:''' H-Howard... Howard. Howard, you need to leave.
:'''Howard:''' ''[to Lalo]'' Who are you?
:'''Lalo:''' Me? Nobody. I just need to talk to my lawyers.
:'''Howard:''' ''[scoffs]'' Oh, is that right? You want some advice? Find better lawyers.
:'''Kim:''' Howard, please j-just... just... just turn around—
:'''Lalo:''' No, no, no, no, no. Take your time.
:'''Howard:''' ''[to Kim]'' What's this about? 
:''[Lalo calmly takes a pistol out of his pocket and screws a silencer onto the muzzle]''
:'''Kim:''' ''[to Lalo]'' Please... please, just tell us what you want.
:'''Lalo:''' ''[shrugs]'' Like I said. To talk.
:'''Howard:''' I, uh... I think I'm in the middle of something, uh... There's really no need to—
:''[Lalo puts the gun to Howard's head and pulls the trigger; Howard falls onto the floor, killed instantly. Jimmy and Kim scream.]''
:'''Kim:''' ''Oh my God!''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Please, no!''
:'''Kim:''' ''Oh my God!''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''No! No!''
:'''Lalo:''' ''[holds out his hand to quiet them down]'' ''Shhhh, shhhh, shhhh, shhhh, shhhh.'' Okay. Let's talk.

=== ''[[w:Point and Shoot (Better Call Saul) | Point and Shoot]]'' [6.08] ===
:''[Jimmy and Kim are cowering in terror when Lalo forces them to sit on their couch]''
:'''Jimmy''': I never turned on you. I didn't. I only worked for you in the desert. I was on your side the whole time.
:'''Lalo''': Shhh. ''[motions for Jimmy to sit down with his gun]'' I don't care. You two... ''[chuckles; shakes his head]'' God, you two and your mouths! ''Dios mío!'' Now, ''you listen.'' ''[tosses car keys to Jimmy]'' My car's downstairs. Press the clicker, and you'll find it. This... ''[holds up small piece of paper]'' is where you are going. Don't speed, don't weave, don't cut anyone off. Just, you know, drive nice. From here, ''[checks watch]'' at this hour... I'd take 40 east, get off at Carlisle, take the third left. The rest I drew a little map for you on the back. It's not hard. So... big white brick house with a solid black door. You can't miss it. It's right at the end of the T. Park a little down the street and not up front. It's a quiet neighborhood, so you'll have plenty of options. Stating the obvious here maybe, but... turn the car off, right? So, in the glove compartment, I left you a present. There's a camera and there's a gun. And you're gonna need both.
:'''Jimmy''': A gun?
:'''Lalo''': Yeah, yeah, yeah. But don't worry. I mean, it's–it's easy. It's a revolver. It's already loaded, no safety—it's idiot proof. So, you go up to that house, you walk right up to that black door. Don't run. Just be casual like a stroll, you know? Keep the gun somewhere behind you where they can't see it. You ring the bell, you count to three, you step back. They look through the peephole, you're as innocent as can be. Door opens, you point... and you shoot. And you keep on pulling that trigger until it's empty. ''[pause]'' Simple. 
:'''Jimmy''': You–you want me to—?!
:'''Lalo''': I know, I know. ''[casually nudges Howard's dead body with his foot]'' You're a lawyer, and you're not a killer. But look, you can do this, okay? This guy, he's a housecat! Black, medium height, short hair, glasses! He kinda looks like a librarian... but don't be fooled. Even a housecat can scratch. So, that's it. Hard part's over. Now, you pull out the camera. Same principle as the gun: Point and shoot. Take a picture. One where I can see the face ''clearly''... and then you bring it back here where, me and Mrs. Goodman will be waiting for you. And then you're done! I'd say it's about a twenty minute drive over there... ''[Jimmy looks nervously at Kim]'' twenty minutes back. Maybe ten minutes to do the job. Let's go with an hour altogether. So, you're back here in an hour, or—
:''[Jimmy forcibly turns on the Saul Goodman charm]''
:'''Jimmy''': Send her.
:'''Kim''': ...What?! 
:'''Jimmy''': She should do it.
:'''Kim''': Jimmy...
:'''Lalo''': ''[pause]'' Why her? 
:'''Kim''': ''[whispers to Jimmy]'' Don't do this.
:'''Jimmy''': This guy, the–the housecat.
:'''Kim''': Jimmy, please.
:'''Jimmy''': He looks through his peephole... 
:'''Kim''': ''Please.''
:'''Jimmy''': ...in the middle of the night, and he sees me? &quot;Who's this asshole? What's he doing?&quot; Maybe–maybe he gets ''his'' gun, maybe he calls the cops. Either way, that door stays shut. But he sees a woman...
:'''Kim''': No.
:'''Jimmy''': ...she looks like she's in distress. Maybe her car broke down. ''[chuckles]'' I mean, you'd open the door for her, wouldn't you?
:'''Kim''': Stop! Stop!
:'''Lalo''': Yeah, but... she's really clever. I don't know if she's gonna stick to the plan.
:'''Jimmy''': She will.
:'''Kim''': No, no, no.
:'''Jimmy''': No cops. You know she will.
:'''Kim''': No. No, this... This doesn't even make any sense! I–I–I've never shot a gun before! I've never even held one!  
:'''Jimmy''': Like I have.
:'''Kim''': Jimmy, what are you doing?! 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[to Lalo while pointing at Kim]'' You know she's the best choice.
:'''Kim''': No, I'm not! I don't—I can't! I can't do it! 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[to Lalo]'' She can do it. You know she can do it!
:'''Kim''': No! Jimmy, I'll stay! Stop! Just stop! 
:'''Jimmy''': You know I'm right! Listen! 
:'''Kim''': Stop it! Shut up! 
:'''Jimmy''': Listen! 
:'''Kim''': SHUT UP!
:'''Lalo''': ''[rolls his eyes]'' Oh, my God! Okay, fine! Yeah, heard! Whatever. Give her the keys, give her the address, let's go. ''[walks toward the front door]'' 
:'''Kim''': ''[to Jimmy]'' No. Don't... Don't.
:'''Jimmy''': You... you gotta go.
:'''Kim''': ''[softly]'' Don't do this.
:'''Jimmy''': Come on. Hey... ''[whispering]'' Let's go.
:''[Kim reluctantly gets up and is about to leave the apartment when Lalo stops her]''
:'''Lalo''': Hold on. ''[pause; Kim looks at him]'' You're gonna need your shoes, right? 
:''[Kim stares at Jimmy while she puts her shoes on]'' 
:'''Lalo''': There you go! Okay, ''[looks at watch]'' so one hour starting... now. Clock's ticking, Mrs. Goodman.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo ties Jimmy to a chair while interrogating him about the assassination attempt at his hacienda]'' 
:'''Lalo''': You know, after I saw you last, I went home. My home. ''Mi cielito lindo''... And you know what happened? Men came. Armed men, in the middle of the night. To my home. Trying to get to me. And you know what they did? They killed people I care about. They killed my cook. My gardener. A seventeen-year-old kid I knew since he was knee-high, never hurt a fly. Butchered my housekeeper, Yolanda. ''Una viejita, cabrón.'' They shot her in the back. 
:'''Jimmy''': ...I'm sorry.
:'''Lalo''': Now, how did these men... get into my home? Do you know? 
:'''Jimmy''': I... I have–I have no idea.
:'''Lalo''': Ignacio Varga. ''He'' let them in. And who did Ignacio introduce me to? ''[taps Jimmy's head]'' You.
:'''Jimmy''': Ignacio... Nacho? ''[brief pause]'' Whoa, whoa, whoa! I–I barely know Ignacio! Whatever he did, he did alone! Not with me! Listen, you gotta believe me! Hand to God, I had no part in this—it wasn't me! ''It was '''Igna—''''' 
:''[Lalo sneaks up from behind and gags Jimmy with a rolled-up shirt]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[through the gag]'' Ignacio! It's not me! Listen, listen! I–I don't know about...
:'''Lalo''': Save it. ''[looks Jimmy in the eyes]'' I'm gonna come back. And then you... are gonna tell me ''the whole story.''
:''[Lalo presses play on the movie Jimmy and Kim were watching earlier and turns up the volume. He picks up Jimmy's car keys by the front door.]''
:'''Lalo''': Ford Taurus... taupe? ''[rolls eyes and shakes his head before leaving the apartment]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mike disarms Kim and forces her inside Gus' house before she can shoot. Gus watches Mike question her through surveillance monitors at his neighbors' residence.]''
:'''Kim''': What are you doing?! I–I have to go! I have to—No, wait! 
:'''Mike''': Ms. Wexler, I'd like you to sit down.
:'''Kim''': He'll–He'll kill him! You have to... You—
:'''Mike''': Now, sit there and be calm!
:'''Kim''': No, I have to get back! ''I have to get back!''
:'''Mike''': ''[restrains Kim and forces her back down]'' Sit ''still''... and stay calm. Now, if you take a deep breath—a ''deep'' breath—nothing's gonna happen here until you calm yourself. Alright? Now, who is killing who?
:'''Kim''': Lalo Salamanca! Lalo is going to kill Jimmy! ''[Mike looks shocked]'' He's there! He–he is there with Jimmy now!
:'''Mike''': Salamanca is at your apartment?!
:'''Kim''': Yes! He sent ''me!'' He–he wanted to send Jimmy, but then he sent me.
:'''Mike''': To do what exactly?! ''[pause; Kim hyperventilates]'' Ms. Wexler, you stay with me! What were you supposed to do here?
:'''Kim''': ''[beat; points at a man who looks identical to Gus]'' Shoot him. I'm–I'm supposed to shoot him, and then take a photo, and then get back. That's it. I only have twenty minutes left! Please! ''[Mike quickly looks and nods at one of his guys]'' He is ''alone'' with him!
:'''Mike''': Alright, stay put. We'll handle this. We ''will'' handle this. ''[to Victor]'' You call Tyrus. Get him to the condo ''now.''
:'''Kim''': You said you were watching us! WHERE WERE YOU?! HUH?! ''[Mike leaves]'' '''WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!''' 
:''[Kim tries to get up, but Victor stands in her way and forces her to sit down again]'' 
:'''Victor''': You heard what the man said.
:''[Mike walks through the corridor connecting the two homes and reports to Gus.]''
:'''Mike''': You heard all that? ''[Gus nods]'' Alright. You hunker down here. ''[to two bodyguards]'' You two, you stay with him. A dog barks too loud, you are on the phone with me. ''[to Arthur and Tyrus]'' You two, come with me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After growing restless over Lalo's whereabouts, Gus calls Victor and asks him to speak to Kim about Lalo]''
:'''Gus''': Why did Lalo send you?
:'''Kim''': Who is this? 
:'''Victor''': Answer him. ''[points behind him]''
:'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' He didn't want to send me. Not at first. He wanted to send my husband... but my husband talked him out of it because he wanted to get me out of there.
:'''Gus''': He... talked Lalo out of it?
:'''Kim''': That's right. ''[pause]'' Now that I've told you everything I know, please tell me. Tell me who—
:''[Gus hangs up the phone and looks at his bodyguards]'' 
:'''Gus''': Come with me. Both of you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo records another video message for Don Eladio while holding Gus at gunpoint at the laundromat. The dialogue is in Spanish.]''
:'''Lalo:''' Don Eladio, look who we have here. The one and only Gustavo Fring. ''[chuckles]'' And wearing body armor! Too bad they don't make armor for your head, eh? Now we're gonna take a little walk and show you around. ''Vamanos''. ''[clicks tongue]'' Don, I would've liked it if we didn't have to rush this so much. We could sit by your pool... strip this snake's skin off, inch by inch. Take our time, have some fun. But he shows up now... who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth? 
:''[Gus stops in front of a large washing machine.]''
:'''Lalo:''' A big machine hides a big secret. We have about... thirteen minutes until his bald ''gringo'' gets here with the cavalry, so Gustavo is going to have to give us the nickel tour. ''[beat; shoots Gus in the chest]'' Like I was saying, Gustavo is going to show us around. 
:''[Gus walks around and pushes a button, which opens the secret passage to the underground meth lab]'' 
:'''Lalo:''' ''Ha!'' Magnificent! I had a bathtub that did this, but... credit where credit is due, this is better. ''[laughs]'' ''Hijo de puta''. 
:''[Gus leads Lalo down a ladder and turns on the lights]''
:'''Lalo:''' ''[chuckles; in English]'' Okay. Drumroll, please. ''D-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r''... Ta-da! ''[laughs]'' ''Cadenza de wow'', no? ''[in Spanish]'' Don Eladio, I've heard some stories about this place. It took a bunch of German engineers ten months to build all of this. They used two hundred pounds of high explosive. Dug out 120,000 cubic meters of dirt and rock. And all... without disturbing the laundry up there. In the middle of a city with a million people! That's pretty badass, right? 
:''[Gus trips and falls to the ground when Lalo pushes his pistol against his back]''
:'''Lalo''': One moment, Don. ''[puts the camcorder between his teeth as he switches the magazines of his pistol]'' Think of the laboratory you could put here, Don Eladio. ''Eh?'' How much meth you could make... that was his plan. Cut you out to become boss. And now here we are, in this big hole! ''[cackles]'' Gustavo thought he was building an empire, but all he built himself was a tomb. 
:'''Gus:''' You can't kill me.
:'''Lalo:''' Why not?
:'''Gus:''' I haven't told that fat pig Eladio what I think of him yet. 
:'''Lalo:''' ''Hoo-hoo!'' Perfect! You've got one minute. 
:'''Gus:''' Eladio... you greasy, bloated pimp. You talk of honor. But you have none. A pack of stray dogs fighting for scraps has more honor. Jackals. That's all you are! No vision. No patience. No thought. Stupid and impulsive! That is how I did all this. You couldn't see it, couldn't even conceive of it. And you Salamancas... you're the worst vermin of all. You say you believe in &quot;blood for blood&quot; but you only understand blood for money! You're whores! ''[in English]'' I understand blood for blood. Hector? Yeah, I kept him alive. Kept him broken. I will save him to the last. Before he dies, he will know... '''''I''' buried every one of you.'' 
:'''Lalo:''' ''[sniggers]'' Big talk. You done?
:'''Gus:''' No. Not yet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy:''' Lalo said he was coming back.
:'''Mike:''' He's not coming.
:'''Jimmy:''' No, he said he was, he told me—
:'''Mike:''' You understand me? He is ''not coming back.'' Let's sit. ''[pause; Jimmy and Kim remain standing]'' '''''SIT.'''''
:''[Jimmy and Kim sit at the foot of their bed; Mike stands in front of them.]''
:'''Mike:''' Alright. Here's what's gonna happen: In a few days, Howard Hamlin's car will be found several states away by the water. The odometer will have rolled to the exact number of miles it took to get there. There will be cocaine in the upholstery. That was the story you were setting up for this guy, yeah? They'll call it a suicide, hoping the body will come washing up. It never will. At some point, you're gonna hear about it. Someone calls you, someone at the courthouse mentions it—the moment that happens—you call the cops. His car was here for hours last night. Good chance somebody noticed it. That means you are the last people to see him alive. Cops are gonna want to hear from you. You tell the cops you saw him—he came here, seemed like maybe he was chemically altered, didn't make a lick of sense. Then he left, that's all you know. You keep telling the lie you've been telling. Now, Ms. Wexler tells me she has court at ten. What's on your docket? ''[Jimmy doesn't answer]'' Hey. ''Listen.'' Where do you need to be?
:'''Jimmy:''' Uh, office. At my office. Clients start showing up around 9:30. ''Oh'', my car is gone.
:'''Mike:''' No. It's on the way home, you'll have it when you need it. So you two are going to go about your day—normal, same as ever. Today, you're Meryl Streep and Laurence Olivier. No staring into space, nothing out of the ordinary, you ''cover.'' Anybody talks to you, it's just another day that ends in Y, that's all. When you get home, we'll be gone and everything will be back the way it was. Now, I need to impress upon you: none of this ever happened. None of it. Understand? Say it out loud, I need to hear it.
:'''Jimmy:''' ...I understand.
:'''Kim:''' ...It never happened.

=== ''[[w:Fun and Games (Better Call Saul) | Fun and Games]]'' [6.09] ===
:'''Jimmy''': One day, we'll... We'll wake up, and brush our teeth, and we'll go to work. And at some point, we'll suddenly realize... [[w:Bad Choice Road | that we hadn't thought about it at all. None of it]]. ''[pause]'' And that's when we'll know. We'll know we can forget.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gus meets with Don Eladio, Juan Bolsa, and the Salamancas late at night. The dialogue is in Spanish.]''
:'''Eladio''': Don Hector has made a very serious accusation. 
:''[One of the Cousins hands a letter to Don Juan]'' 
:'''Bolsa''': These are Don Hector's words. Dictated to Leonel and Marco, letter by letter. &quot;The assault on my nephew's hacienda failed. Lalo fought the assassins and won. The day after the attack, Lalo called me. I heard the truth from his own lips. It was Fring who sent the mercenaries, not the Peruvians. We kept Lalo's survival a secret. My nephew was about to take his revenge on the traitor, face-to-face. Instead, he disappeared. It is the Chicken Man's doing. Don Eladio, look into Fring's eyes. There you will see the truth. The Chicken Man hates you. He is our enemy. He plots against us. I demand blood for blood.&quot;
:''[Bolsa folds the letter and sits back down]''
:'''Eladio''': Well, Gustavo?
:'''Gus''': ''[pause]'' I have no response.
:'''Bolsa''': Gustavo, you must speak. Have you no defense?
:'''Gus''': With all due respect, I don't believe this merits a response.
:'''Eladio''': Did you witness these phone calls from Lalo? ''[Leonel and Marco shake their heads]'' I was told you saw Lalo's body.
:'''Leonel''': Yes.
:'''Marco''': It was burned.
:'''Eladio''': Didn't the ''federales'' check the teeth?
:'''Bolsa''': Yes, Don Eladio. My brother tells me the dental records matched. 
:'''Eladio''': And that rat, Varga... What did he say before he died?
:'''Bolsa''': He said he was in the pay of the Peruvians, Los Odios. We know he took their money, we found bank statements.
:'''Eladio''': ''[beat; looks at his watch]'' Well... It's late. Don Hector... Since you've come a long way, tonight you sleep in my bed. ''[Hector angrily rings his bell repeatedly in protest]'' No, I insist. No arguing. I'm giving you my room. Very comfortable. And who knows? Maybe a couple of the girls will come to visit! ''[pause; Hector continues ringing his bell]'' Please. ''[Leonel and Marco carry Hector by his wheelchair and leave]'' Good night, Hector. Sleep well. ''[to Gus]'' I'd invite you to stay as well, Gustavo, but... I don't want my breakfast ruined by all the... ''[mocks Hector ringing his bell and laughs]'' Ay-yay-yay. ''[beat]'' The peace must be kept. What do you suggest?
:'''Gus''': I wouldn't presume.
:'''Eladio''': The South Valley will stay Salamanca territory. And the rest of the North, that'll be for you to manage. Working under Bolsa.
:'''Bolsa''': Thank you, Don Eladio.
:'''Gus''': ''[rises with Eladio out of his chair]'' Thank you. Your trust means everything, Don Eladio.
:'''Eladio''': ''Bueno.'' Gustavo... ''[long pause]'' When I looked into your eyes... Hate. A little bit's okay. As long as you never forget who's boss. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mike meets with Nacho's father outside his shop to let him know about Nacho's fate]''
:'''Manuel''': Who are you?
:'''Mike''': It's not important.
:'''Manuel''': I saw you here before. [[w:Cobbler (Better Call Saul)|Chrysler Fifth Avenue]]. What about my son?
:'''Mike''': I'm sorry, he won't be found. ''[pause]'' It was over fast. No pain.
:'''Manuel''': You were there?
:'''Mike''': I was there. Your son made some mistakes, he fell in with bad people... but he was never like them. Not really. He had a good heart. One more thing: you won't have to worry about the Salamancas. Their day is coming. There'll be justice.
:'''Manuel''': Justice?
:'''Mike''': I'm sorry, my Spanish - j-''justicia.'' Justice.
:'''Manuel''': ''[sighs]'' What you talk about... is not justice. What you talk of is... ''revenge.'' It never ends... my boy is gone. ''[scoffs, speaks in Spanish]'' You gangsters and your &quot;justice.&quot; You're all the same.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Kim approach Cliff and Howard's widow, Cheryl, at a memorial reception in the offices of HHM.]''
:'''Kim:''' Cliff.
:'''Cliff:''' Kim, Jimmy.
:'''Cheryl:''' Kim, hi.
:''[Jimmy extends his hand to Cheryl; she doesn't take it]''
:'''Jimmy:''' Hi, Cheryl. I'm Jimmy McGill. You may not remember me. I'm Chuck McGill's brother.
:'''Cheryl:''' Of course.
:'''Jimmy:''' Very sorry for your loss. ''[sighs]''
:'''Kim:''' Cheryl, I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine what you must be going through. If Jimmy and I can do anything for you or your family, please just say the word.
:''[Jimmy and Kim are about to walk away]''
:'''Cheryl:''' There is something, actually. You two were the last ones to see him, weren't you?
:'''Kim:''' Um...
:'''Jimmy:''' I guess so. Uh, that's what the police said.
:'''Cheryl:''' Howard told me that you were harassing him, playing elaborate pranks of some sort. That you wouldn't leave him alone.
:'''Jimmy:''' I know he thought that. He—he—he told me as well. Um, I think he honestly believed it.
:'''Cheryl:''' But you're denying it.
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[pauses]'' You know what, I didn't leave here under the best terms. The past few years, I could have been more considerate to Howard instead of yitzing him every chance I got. I guess, uh, there was a certain amount of jealousy on my part because Howard had the, uh, respect of my brother. Which I never did. ''[Jimmy steps away]''
:'''Cheryl:''' Tell me what you told the police. 
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[pauses]'' Okay, um... Well, I mean, it was 11pm. Howard started pounding on our door. He was very upset, going on about something, um, he thought was my fault, uh... Guess it had to do with the Sandpiper case. But I—I couldn't make head or tail out of it. We tried to calm him down. But... he just—he just wouldn't, um... Finally, he left. That's—that's it.
:'''Cheryl:''' I'm not oblivious. I know people are saying he was on drugs. Is that what you're trying to tell me?
:'''Jimmy:''' I just... He just didn't seem like himself.
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[to Cliff]'' Are you hearing all of this? Because none of it makes sense to me. 
:'''Cliff:''' Cheryl, maybe we should just—
:'''Cheryl:''' I don't care what people are saying. I don't care what the police think. Howard was not on drugs. That simply is not true. There's something more to this. 
:'''Kim:''' I don't know if it's my place, but... I—I...
:'''Cheryl:''' Please. Just spit it out. ''[sharply inhales]''
:'''Kim:''' ''[sighs]'' It was about a year-and-a-half ago. I was still an associate here, working late on a brief. And I saw a light on in Howard's office. I assumed the cleaning crew left it on by mistake. And I was sure that office was empty, so I didn't knock.
:'''Cheryl:''' ...And?
:'''Kim:''' And Howard was there at his desk, head down. And he was snorting something. 
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[scoffs]''
:'''Kim:''' I looked at him. He looked at me. I didn't know what to do, so I just walked out. And the next morning, when we saw each other, neither of us ever said anything about it. I never told anyone. But now I wish I had. 
:''[Long pause]''
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[to Cliff]'' In all the years that you worked with him, have you witnessed anything like this? Even a hint? Cliff...
:'''Cliff:''' I... Cheryl, this really isn't the time or the place.
:''[Cheryl begins to cry]''
:'''Kim:''' Cheryl. You were his wife. You saw him every day. You knew him better than anyone. Maybe I misunderstood what I saw. You would have known. 
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[voice breaking]'' Please excuse me.
:''[Cheryl retreats into a women's restroom]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kim and her client are sitting in a courtroom as the presiding judge, Gabriel Dearden, takes the bench]''
:'''Bailiff:''' All rise. Court is now in session, the Honorable Judge Dearden presiding.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Good afternoon. We are here to discuss a motion to exclude evidence in ''State of New Mexico vs. Yarborough''. 
:'''Kim:''' ''[rises]'' Your honor, if I may. I submitted an additional motion. I'm assuming you have not seen it yet.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Did we get that?
:'''Secretary:''' It just came in, judge.
:''[The secretary approaches the bench and hands the motion to Judge Dearden]''
:'''Kim:''' I apologize, it was a last-minute addition. 
:'''Judge Dearden:''' &quot;Last minute&quot; is right. ''[looking through the motion]'' 
:''[Pause]''
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ...Do I understand this correctly? You're requesting to withdraw from this case?
:'''Kim:''' Yes, your honor. My client is fully informed. And I've already been in touch with another attorney, Paige Novick. She's highly qualified and familiar with the case. She's prepared to step if you'll allow it.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Ms. Wexler, Mr. Orenstein, approach the bench.
:''[Kim and the prosecutor do so]''
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[to Kim]'' Ms. Wexler, we are here today at your insistence to consider your motion to exclude evidence. And this is the moment you choose to withdraw?
:'''Kim:''' It was unavoidable.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' May I ask why?
:'''Kim:''' Personal reasons, your honor.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' &quot;Personal reasons.&quot; Are we talking about a health issue, something to do with a loved one?
:'''Kim:''' No.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Would you rather discuss privately in chambers?
:'''Kim:''' Thank you for the consideration, but no.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Would you care to supply any detail at all?
:'''Kim:''' Your honor, I prefer not to.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[pause; to Orenstein]'' ...Mr. Orenstein, is the state prepared to discuss Ms. Wexler's motion?
:'''Orenstein:''' We are, your honor. Absolutely.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' You know what, Ms. Wexler? Mr. Orenstein's here. I'm here. We all showed up for your party, and now you're taking away the punch bowl. I'm inclined to have you argue your motion, then I'll consider later writing petitions. 
:'''Kim:''' I'm sorry for wasting the court's time, your honor, but it's impossible for me to continue with this hearing.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' And why is that, Ms. Wexler?
:'''Kim:''' Because I'm no longer an attorney. 
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[brief pause]'' ...I'm sorry, what?
:'''Kim:''' I gave notice to the bar two hours ago.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy arrives home after hearing the news that Kim has quit her legal career]''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''You did what?!'' Why?! ''WHY?!'' Alright, alright, I know why. But Kim, you can't just—
:'''Kim:''' Jimmy, I—
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Shhh!'' Just let me say my piece, okay? Just—Let's take a breath here! Kim, after everything that happened... I mean, Jesus! I get it! You want to climb out of your own skin! That's natural! But Kim, you don't just throw everything away! Th-th-this is your life! You're a lawyer! What about your clients, huh? What about, uh... that poor guy, Mr. Yarborough? What about the kid in foster care? Huh?! You give them everything you got! Who are they going to find who is half as good as you?! No one! They need you!
:'''Kim:''' It's already done.
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Ugh!'' ''[pause]'' Okay, what's done can be undone. All I'm saying is just—just let's take a week or two to think it over. For now, we're gonna take some time off. God knows we need it. We're gonna to find a new place, we're—we're gonna leave here. We're never, ever gonna come back here again. Okay? We're gonna—we're gonna put it behind us! Things will look brighter! I guarantee it! But first we have to fix this. So we're gonna go back to the hotel room, and you're gonna write letters. You're gonna write a letter to the bar, you're gonna write letters to your clients. You—you—you dictate, I will type. We're gonna roll this thing back. I'll order a pizza, we'll pull an all-nighter. Because we're in this together. Okay? So I'm gonna go get your—your printer, and then we're gonna get the hell out of here.
:''[Jimmy turns to head into the bedroom]''
:'''Kim:''' Wait— Jimmy. Jimmy!
:''[Jimmy enters the bedroom to discover half-full boxes and luggage everywhere]''
:'''Kim:''' You asked if you were bad for me. That's not it. We are bad for each other. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Kim. Don't do this. Kim, please.
:'''Kim:''' Jimmy... ''[holding back tears]'' ...I have had the time of my life with you. But we are bad for everyone around us. Other people suffer because of us. Apart we're okay, but together we're poison. 
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[shakes his head]'' No, no. Just tell me what I need to do to change, okay? Just tell me what it is, and I'll do it. 
:'''Kim:''' Jimmy...
:'''Jimmy:''' No, Kim. You make me happy. We make each other happy. How can that be bad? Hey... I love you.
:'''Kim:''' I love you, too. ''[voice breaking]'' But so what? 
:'''Jimmy:''' No. No. No, Kim, you're wrong! ''This is about '''Howard!''''' Okay?! What happened to him wasn't on us! It wasn't your fault! It wasn't ''my'' fault! It was that ''fucking Lalo Salamanca!'' That psychopath came back from the dead and he walked through that door! He did this! Not us, ''him!'' 
:'''Kim:''' I knew.
:'''Jimmy:''' You knew wh-what?
:'''Kim:''' I knew he was alive.
:'''Jimmy:''' No, you didn't.
:'''Kim:''' It was about a month ago. I saw that car following me again. And it turned out that Mike Ehrmantraut had guys watching both of us, watching for Lalo. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Mike... Mike told you that Lalo was alive? ''[Kim nods]'' And you didn't tell me?
:'''Kim:''' ''[pause]'' Jimmy... I thought... I thought it was a one-in-a-million chance that he'd come for us. I thought he would be caught if he did. And I told myself I was protecting you. But that's not the truth. The reason I didn't tell you was because I knew what you'd do.
:'''Jimmy:''' Wh-what would I do?
:'''Kim:''' You'd—you'd blame yourself. You'd fear for me. You'd want us to run and hide until you were sure I was safe. You would pull the plug on the scam, and then... ''[pause]'' ...and then, we'd break up. And I didn't want that. Because I was having too much ''fun''.
:''[Kim breaks down crying and returns to the bedroom to pack; Jimmy stands in the living room in silence]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Saul Goodman:''' Alright. [[w:Chicanery (Better Call Saul) | Let justice be done, though the heavens fall]].

=== ''[[w:Nippy (Better Call Saul) | Nippy]]'' [6.10] ===
:''[Saul, now going by Gene Takavic, is confronted by Jeff after he unexpectedly shows up at his home]''
:'''Jeff''': Dude, what the fuck?!
:'''Saul''': I know, it's awkward, right? But you don't have to call me Dad. Yet.
:'''Jeff''': I don't know what this is about, but all I have to do is pick up the phone and it's &quot;Bye-bye, Saul Goodman.&quot;
:'''Saul''': Yeah, but you haven't picked up the phone yet, have ya? Or tried to strong-arm me for cash. And guess what? I know why. Because reward money—blackmail—that's not gonna tickle your pickle. I know what you really want. 
:'''Jeff''': Oh, yeah? What's that?
:'''Saul''': You want in the game.
:'''Jeff''': The game? What—what game?
:'''Saul''': The ''game.'' The one you've been watching your entire life. You got your nose pressed up against the glass, peering in while the big boys play.
:'''Jeff''': Speak English, man. What the hell are you talking about?
:'''Saul''': ''The game.'' It's right there. You can see it, but you can't touch it yet. ''[pause]'' Cars, clothes. The cash, the ladies. It's about knowing all the angles, you know? Putting it all on the line and winning ''big.'' But here you are, Jeffy. Standing outside with the suckers, trying to pay off that cab, sweating the bills. You're getting older. It's—it's so close, but dammit you just can't get in! Until now. I can make it happen.
:'''Jeff''': ''[beat]'' You?
:'''Saul''': Saul Goodman. ''[pause]'' So, here's the deal. I will show you the game, and then we're done. 
:''[Jeff stares at Saul for another moment before smiling]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jeff runs around a maze in the outline of a mall. Saul, on a loudspeaker, shouts directions to him.]''
:'''Saul''': Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! One, Armani suits and run! Two, Air Jordan shoes for you! Three, linen shirts for free! Four, cashmere sweaters out the door! Five, Patagonias to survive! Six, swanky sweatsuits in the mix! HALT!
:''[Jeff stops, breathing heavily.]''
:'''Jeff''': What?!
:'''Saul''': That's too many, you gotta be precise! Just three of each.
:'''Jeff''': Why? And why do I gotta run around like an asshole?
:'''Saul''': I already told you! Three minutes, got it? That's our window!
:'''Jeff''': Yeah, but why three minutes?
:'''Saul''': Because at three minutes, that's when security sees you on the cameras and the cops haul your ass to jail, alright? So let's go.
:':'''Jeff''': Wait, there's cameras?
:'''Saul''': Sure there's cameras! They erase the tapes every seventy-two hours, so that's why you only take three of each, and only the pricey stuff. When the store opens the next morning, they won't even know they were robbed. By the time they do inventory, abra cadabra, no more Jeffy on the tape! Right, so, three items, three minutes... It's easy. Let's go.
:''[Jeff walks back to the start of the maze.]''
:'''Saul''': How many of each?
:'''Jeff''': Three...
:'''Saul''': Pigs get fat, hogs get slaughtered!
:'''Jeff''': I don't know...
:'''Saul''': What don't you know?
:'''Jeff''': Just, this whole thing, it seems crazy!
:'''Saul''': Is this too hot for you?! Ju— You know what, just say so! You know what? Screw it. &quot;Crazy?&quot; I'll tell you what's crazy! [[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad) | Fifty-year-old high school chemistry teacher]] [[w:Breaking Bad | comes into my office. The guy is so broke, he can't pay his own mortgage. One year later, he's got a pile of cash as big as a Volkswagen.]] ''That's'' crazy.
:'''Buddy''': I'll do it.
:'''Jeff''': This sounds good to you?
:'''Buddy''': I think it'll work. 
:'''Saul''': Well, look at you! Hey, you're young. You're probably, uh... Fast in the feet, huh?
:'''Jeff''': Okay, I- I didn't say I wouldn't do it! I just... Had some questions about, like... Logistics.
:'''Saul''': Are you in or out?
:'''Jeff''': In.
:'''Saul''': ''[sighs]'' Okay, back to one. ''[He speaks into the loudspeaker as Jeff sets himself up.]'' Check, test, one-two, one-two.  Okay! And ready, set, action!
:''[Jeff begins running.]''
:'''Saul''': Move, move, move! Pick up the pace! Go, go, go! One, Armani suits and run! Two, Air Jordan shoes for you! Three, linen shirts for free! Four, cashmere sweaters out the door! Five, Patagonias to survive! Six, swanky sweatsuits in the mix! Let's go, let's go, let's go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[On the night of the robbery, Saul watches Jeff through the mall cameras while one of the security guards, Frank, is eating a Cinnabon roll with his back facing the cameras.]'' 
:'''Saul''': How about that 44-21 win against the Cavs?
:'''Frank''': Be still my heart. ''[laughs]''
:'''Saul''': Seventy-six yard pass to Reggie Ball, and–and never sacked once. 
:'''Frank''': Wow, you have got quite the memory.
:'''Saul''': ...Yeah, well—I'll tell you what. I can remember every stitch of clothing I was wearing during that game, but ask me what I had for dinner and... ''[whistles]'' Clean slate.
:'''Frank''': Tell me about it! ''[Saul checks his stopwatch, which is at two minutes and fifteen seconds]'' Well, I'll tell ya: If you're not passing the ball, that's what's gonna happen. ''[eats another bite]'' Mmm! 
:''[Eventually, Jeff runs with the last round of clothes when he slips and falls. Saul chokes on his coffee.]''
:'''Frank''': You okay?
:'''Saul''': ''[coughs]'' Wrong pipe.
:'''Frank''': Oh, okay. So, you think our guys are gonna move to the Big Ten like they're sayin'?
:'''Saul''': ''[pause]'' Big Ten?
:'''Frank''': Yeah, you know, maybe they're just chasing the almighty dollar if you ask me. I mean, both powerhouses of course. But, you know what? You got Oklahoma and Texas over here. But Michigan, Ohio State over there! ''[Saul looks nervously at the cameras]'' I... I don't know. Guess  I like tradition. ''[chuckles; sighs as he takes yet another bite]'' So good. Just amazing. Wow. 
:''[After Saul realizes Jeff is out cold, he fakes a nervous breakdown to distract Frank]''
:'''Saul''': God, what am I doing?
:'''Frank''': What?
:'''Saul''': ''[cries out again as Frank turns his head towards the cameras]'' Look at me! Wha—I don't know what... ''[sobs]'' Oh, Jesus! 
:'''Frank''': Gene?
:'''Saul''': Oh, God. You... you have a wife, right, Frank?
:'''Frank''': Yeah.
:'''Saul''': Yeah?
:'''Frank''': Yeah.
:'''Saul''': She's waiting for you? ''[Frank nods]'' Look at me. I got... I got no one. My parents are dead. [[w:Chuck McGill | My brother]]... ''[beat; looks down]'' My brother is dead. I, uh... I don't have a wife. No kids, no friends. If I die tonight, no one would care. What difference would it make?
:''[Saul looks up again and notices Jeff slowly getting himself up]''
:'''Frank''': Gene, buddy... I—I'm sure you mean a lot to... to a lot of—lots of people. ''[turns his head around again]''
:'''Saul''': ''[slams fist on table]'' If I die tonight, my landlord would pack up my stuff. It'd take him three hours. And Cinnabon would just hire a new manager. Gene who?! Poof, I'd be gone! I'd be... a–a ghost. No, not a ghost. I'd be a... a shadow. I'd just mean ''nothing.'' I mean, Frank... What's the ''point'', Frank? What's the...
:''[Saul sees Jeff put away the clothes in the box. He groans as he watches Jeff run out of the warehouse, then claps when he's out of sight]''
:'''Saul''': ''[sighs]'' I'm sorry. You didn't need to hear that.
:'''Frank''': No, no, no. That's–that's okay. No, that is okay. Everybody has bad days.
:'''Saul''': You've felt like this?
:'''Frank''': ...No. I mean, not me, but... people. I think a lot of people.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Saul''': You guys enjoying yourselves? Well, hold on to that feeling, 'cause this is it.
:'''Jeff''': Yeah, we know.
:'''Saul''': Well, in case you forget, you transported stolen goods with a value exceeding $5,000. And the truck you used to do it was rented in Council Bluffs across state lines.
:'''Jeff''': You told us to rent the truck over there, so—
:'''Saul''': ''[motions for Jeff to stop talking]'' Theft from an interstate shipment, up to ten years. Transportation of stolen goods, another ten years. Sale of stolen goods, ten years. Conspiracy to commit a federal crime—
:'''Buddy''': Whoa, hold on. Conspiracy? It was your idea.
:'''Saul''': Yeah. It's called mutually assured destruction, so... if I go down, you go down.
:'''Jeff''': Man, you don't have to threaten us. We're all friends here.
:'''Saul''': I am not your friend. And if you get greedy, and you decide to come back for more, ''don't.'' Gene Takavic, you've never heard of him. Cottonwood Mall, you don't go there. You see me comin', you cross to the other side of the street. 
:'''Jeff''': Dude.
:'''Saul''': Now, I need you to say it. We're done.
:'''Jeff''': ''[pause; laughs]'' Come on! 
:'''Saul''': Say it. ''We're done. '''Say it.'''''
:'''Jeff''': ''[beat; looks at his friend briefly]'' We're done.
:'''Buddy''': ''[pause]'' We're–we're done.

=== ''[[w:Breaking Bad (Better Call Saul) | Breaking Bad]]'' [6.11] ===
:''[Saul, with his limbs duct-taped and a bag over his head, lies on the floor of an RV.]''
:'''Saul''': Guys, c'mon. Talk to me! ''Habla, por favor! Yo soy abogado! Abogado, abogado!'' Aw-- Crap! You already knew that! Jesus, fellas, there's a better way to do this! Hello? Oh-- Why- Wha-- Why are we going off-road? Oh! Whoa! Whatever this is, can we please don't do it in the desert? ''Anywhere but the desert!'' Oh-- Oh, God, I'm gonna be sick...
:''[The RV stops and two masked men walk up, cutting the tape at Saul's legs and forcing him upright.]''
:'''Saul:''' Alright, fellas... This-- we can-- We can fix this! Whatever the ''problemo'', we can fix it with ''dinero. Mucho dinero! Mucho, mucho, mucho dinero!'' C'mon, please, one of you just, just-- You talk, ''habla!'' C'mon, b-before mistakes are made! C'mon, talk to me, guys, huh?
:''[The RV door closes to reveal [[w:Pilot_(Breaking_Bad)| five bullet holes covered with duct tape.]]]''
:'''Saul:''' C'mon, just tell me what you want! Jeez...
:''[The bag is taken off Saul's head to reveal  an open grave in the middle of the desert]''
:'''Saul:''' Oh! Oh, no, no, no, no, no! No! [[w:Better Call Saul (Breaking Bad)| It wasn't me! It was Ignacio, he's the one!]]
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Francesca answers a payphone at an abandoned convenience store outside of Albuquerque. On the other end of the line is Saul, calling from a phone booth outside a diner in rural Nebraska under his Gene Takavic alias.]''
:'''Francesca''': Yeah.
:'''Saul''': Oh, good. You're there. Great. Great. Unencumbered by curious eyes and ears, I'm guessing?
:'''Francesca''': Wouldn't have picked up otherwise.
:'''Saul''': Right. Excellent. Um, okay. Well then... Lay it on me.
:'''Francesca''': First things first.
:'''Saul''': No, I believe we agreed after.
:'''Francesca''': I'm hanging up.
:'''Saul''': Okay, okay then! Jeez! I... Okay, if you're facing the phone, turn right ninety degrees and, uh, walk straight. You'll see some pieces of broken concrete in the dirt. Just pull back the one that's kinda shaped like New Jersey. 
:'''Francesca''': New Jersey?
:'''Saul''': Alfred Hitchcock in a fez, whatever. Just pull that one back, and you'll see a, um, soda can tap. It's got a fishing line tied to it. Follow that line, it'll take you to an old water line, and just keep pulling the string and you'll get what I promised.
:''[Francesca leaves the phone off the hook and follows Saul's instructions. She soon retrieves a pouch containing three bundles of cash, amounting to several thousand dollars. She returns to the payhone.]''
:'''Francesca''': Okay.
:'''Saul''': Great. Was it all there? I mean, the rats didn't eat it or anything?
:'''Francesca''': It's all here.
:'''Saul''': ''[exhales]'' Okay. Well, uh, tell me... how hot.
:'''Francesca''': How hot?
:'''Saul''': Yeah.
:'''Francesca''': Well, I still get followed. Not as often as [[w:Ozymandias (Breaking Bad) | when the shit first hit the fan]], but I still see them. My mail gets opened. My phone at home clicks whenever I use it.
:'''Saul''': So the maestro buying the farm didn't change anything?
:'''Francesca''': No. If anything, it made it worse. [[w:Skyler White | Skyler White]] got her deal, so the only ones left to go after are you and Pinkman. And I heard [[w:El Camino: A Breaking Bad Movie | they found his car down by the border]], so adios dopehead. 
:'''Saul''': Oh, so they're still on to me. Well... Hey, what do you know about the nail salons?
:'''Francesca''': Nail salons are gone.
:'''Saul''': What? Gone? All of them?
:'''Francesca''': Yup.
:'''Saul''': What about the vending machines?
:'''Francesca''': Gone.
:'''Saul''': Jesus! Don't tell me, the laser tag...
:'''Francesca''': Feds found it all, Saul.
:'''Saul''': How?! It was shells within shells! Dammit! Dammit!! Okay... okay... Hey— oh. Let's say there was an overseas account, Antigua and Barbuda—
:'''Francesca''': Tiger Fish Corporation?
:'''Saul''': What?
:'''Francesca''': Tiger Fish Corporation? 850K? I gave it to the feds.
:'''Saul''': You did what? Why would you do that?!
:''[An automated message tells Saul that his phone time has expired. He hurriedly puts more quarters into the payphone.]''
:'''Saul''': ''God dammit!''
:'''Francesca''': You—you put my name on the board of a fictional corporation. I had to give it up, I didn't really have a choice. And a heads-up would have been nice, by the way!
:'''Saul''': So it's gone? It's all gone. Those sons of bitches took everything.
:'''Francesca''': Except what you took with you, and I'm guessing that wasn't chump change.
:'''Saul''': Yeah, well...
:'''Francesca''': Well... Guess that's it.
:'''Saul''': Wait, wait, wait! C'mon, I just put more quarters in! Can't you just... I don't know... give me the lowdown? 
:'''Francesca''': There's nothing else.
:'''Saul''': Well, that's not true. After all this time? You know, come on. Just fill me in. Um... How's Kuby?
:'''Francesca''': No idea.
:'''Saul''': Alright, how about Huell?
:'''Francesca''': Huell? I guess back home in New Orleans. DEA held him under false pretenses or something, so last I heard he walked.
:'''Saul''': Good. Um, how about Danny? Or—or Ira? I mean, any word on those two guys?
:'''Francesca''': They have Internet where you are? 
:'''Saul''': Well, just... C'mon, give me something. There's gotta be some news.
:'''Francesca''': Remember Bill Oakley? He switched sides.
:'''Saul''': He came out, huh? 
:'''Francesca''': No, he's not gay. He's a defense attorney now. 
:'''Saul''': Huh. Well, I mean... What about you? How are you doing?
:'''Francesca''': ''[sarcastically]'' I'm just great. [[w:Rainier III, Prince of Monaco|Prince Rainier]] proposed. The private jet is taking us to the palace on Thursday.
:'''Saul''': Yeah. Okay, well... I guess that's it, then.
:''[Francesca mulls over what to tell Saul next.]''
:'''Francesca''': I did get one call, after everything went down. ''[pause]'' Kim. Checking in on me. 
:'''Saul''': No kidding?
:'''Francesca''': ''Mm-hmm''. Your name came up. Asked if you were alive. 
:'''Saul''': She asked about me... ''[pause]'' What did you tell her?
:'''Francesca''': Nothing.
:'''Saul''': But she asked.
:'''Francesca''': Yup.
:'''Saul''': ''[long pause]'' ...Yeah, okay. Well, I guess this is goodbye—
:''[Francesca hangs up without saying anything.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Saul goes inside the RV driven by the two masked men [[w:Better Call Saul (Breaking Bad)| who kidnapped him and brought him to the desert]]]''
:'''Saul''': What the hell is this? It's like [[w:James Whale|James Whale]]'s travelling roadshow in here.
:''[Jesse Pinkman, a ski mask pulled up over his face, steps in behind him.]''
:'''[[w:Jesse Pinkman |Jesse]]''': Whatever the hell that is, Crystal Ship definitely travels.
:''[Walt enters and shuts the door behind him, incredulous. Meanwhile, Saul explores the RV.]''
:'''[[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad) | Walter]]''': I'm sorry, you said the ''what'' travels?
:'''Jesse''': Crystal Ship. What I call this thing.
:'''Walter''': Alright, never mind, just... No details. We're paying him to do a job, let's just leave it at that.
:'''Saul''': &quot;No details?&quot; Fellas, that–that money you put in my pocket, that doesn't just extend to this job. That can get you attorney-client privilege on—on all matters!
:'''Walter''': ''No details.''
:'''Saul''': Look at this setup. I mean–What, you two driving around like Mr. Softee, scooping out drugs for all the good boys and girls?
:'''Jesse''': No, we don't deal from here.
:'''Walter''': I said no details!
:'''Jesse''': Dude is standing in front of a meth lab, it's not like he ain't gonna put two and two together!
:'''Walter''': He is on a need-to-know basis.
:'''Jesse''': Uh, I didn't wanna show my face. Did he need to know that?
:'''Saul''': So, you're not just distribution. You're the whole freakin' package.
:''[Saul leans up against a table, considering Walt and Jesse before turning to the lab equipment.]''
:'''Saul''': You two actually make the blue stuff? ''[brief pause]'' Here?! ''[chuckles and picks up a flask]'' That's amazing!
:'''Walter''': Can you not touch...?
:'''Saul''': I mean, look at this! I had a fish that could've used this as a vacation home, but you're using it to make the goods, huh?
:'''Jesse''': Yeah, it's a, um, round-bottom flask. ''[turns to Walt]'' Right? Round-bottom? ''[Walt grimaces and says nothing]'' It's a flask for distilling.
:'''Walter''': It won't be if you break it. Now please, put it down.
:'''Saul''': Oh. ''[clears his throat]'' Okay, so if you cook the blue stuff... ''[to Jesse]'' that means you're Igor and— ''[to Walt]'' and that makes you... You're Heisenberg. Wow. Hey, tell me, how-how much product can you churn out with a setup like this?
:'''Walter''': Alright, we're done. We're done with the questions. ''We'' ask the questions. You have ''a'' job—''one'' job—and I still don't understand how you're gonna pull it off.
:'''Saul''': Listen, when I get all my ducks in a row, I'll give you a PowerPoint down at the office. But until then, just—just bring what we talked about, okay? And don't worry! I'm gonna make it work.
:'''Walter''': I'm taking the eighty thousand as a starting point for negotiation.
:'''Saul''': Take it any way you want. That's the price and, um... ''[clears throat again]'' I'm calling shotgun. ''[saunters up and plops down in the passenger's seat]''
:'''Walter''': ''[to Jesse, who attempts to take the driver's seat]'' I will drive.
:'''Jesse''': Oh, yeah. Sure. I'll just... stand. I guess. ''[under his breath]'' Dick.
:'''Saul''': At least you won't be rolling around like the last Christmas ham in the back of the delivery truck, you know? I—I've got bad knees. ''[to Walt]'' I think you might've messed up my rotator cuff. You're lucky I'm not charging you for my chiropractor, she's expensive. ''[to Jesse]'' But she adjusts ''everything.''
:''[Walt starts the RV, which immediately stalls out.]''
:'''Walter''': Dammit.
:'''Jesse''': You gotta give it some ''gas'' when you're backing up.
:'''Walter''': I gave it the proper amount of gas.
:'''Jesse''': I guess that's why we're &quot;moving&quot;, then.
:'''Walter''': Look, it just was... idling too long. It'll start.
:''[Walt attempts to turn over the ignition again and it sputters.]''
:'''Jesse''': Oh, you should've just let me drive, yo!
:'''Walter''': Look, nothing would be different in this moment except you panicking and flooding the engine.
:'''Jesse''': ''[scoffs]'' Bullshit.
:'''Saul''': Look, fellas, I was enjoying the [[w:Laurel and Hardy|Laurel and Hardy]] vibe, but I'm not such a fan of [[w:The Bickersons|the Bickersons]]. Now, can you get me back to my office? I—I got work to do if you want me to make some magic.
:'''Walter''': We just need to sit a moment, that's all. When it idles too long, the fuel pump overheats, and so we just need to let it cool down.
:''[Walt takes the key out of the ignition, plunging the RV into darkness. Walt clears his own throat, which turns into a cough. A bit of blood spills onto his hand and he wipes it away, but Saul notices. He gives Walt a once-over and Walt responds with a glare of his own, which prompts Saul to turn his attention to the window.]''
:'''Jesse''': So... who's Lalo?
:'''Saul''': ...Who?
:'''Jesse''': Lalo. Thought some dude named Lalo sent us? You seemed pretty freaked out. Never heard of no Lalo on the street.
:'''Saul''': ''[beat]'' It's nobody. ''[to Walt]'' Hey, are you gonna try that again? 'Cause... Or are they gonna find us, y'know, buried in a sandstorm a thousand years from now? Just, please.
:''[Walt turns the key and the RV springs to life once again]''
:'''Jesse''': ''[sarcastically]'' Bravo.
:'''Saul''': I second that! I'm gonna give you two free words of advice: Jiffy. Lube.
:'''Walter''': Hold on.
:''[They drive off out of the desert, leaving behind the hole that Walt and Jesse previously dug up.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Saul is lying on the floor with his feet in the Swing Master as Mike enters his office]''
:'''Saul:''' Ho, enter sunshine! Cast some light into my cool, dark world! 
:''[Mike doesn't say anything, sitting on the couch and looking at a newspaper crossword puzzle]''
:'''Saul:''' Hello? You're on the clock, right? So, get with the info any time.
:'''Mike:''' When you're done.
:'''Saul:''' No, I can multitask. Please.
:'''Mike:''' I'm not gonna talk to you while you're on... whatever ''that'' is.
:'''Saul:''' You know, LBJ used to have his underlings give him reports while he was on the shitter.
:'''Mike:''' ''Ah-hah.'' Well, either I'm gonna leave or I'm gonna put my foot in your skull.
:'''Saul:''' ''[sighs]'' ...Fine. ''[gets up off the floor]'' You should try one of these. You walk like Frankenstein after he was probed by aliens. ''Ha!'' I can get you one. Would do wonders for your chi. ''[puts on his suit jacket and seats himself behind his desk]'' Let's go. Lay it on me.
:''[Mike walks to the desk and hands Saul an envelope containing photos.]''
:'''Mike:''' Alright. First: there's your Mrs. Denise Gabbler. She's cheating, alright. 
:'''Saul:''' ''[whistles]'' Limber! ''Ha-ha!'' Well, at least I know they didn't spot you. No one could stay that aroused with your mug peeking through the window. ''[Mike stares at Saul, stone-faced; he doesn't respond]'' What else you got?
:'''Mike:''' Well, next I followed your bus driver. Newsflash: He really does have a broken neck.
:'''Saul:''' Fantastic. That makes my life much easier. Keep it coming.
:'''Mike:''' Second-story guy out of Indianapolis, Lasky? Did a dime at Menard. Now, if you're looking for a tenor who will keep his mouth shut, you can trust him. I say he's worth keeping an eye on. 
:'''Saul:''' Second-story guy, second-story guy... I—I got more second-story guys in my book than pimples at a junior prom. That... ''[inhales]'' What about, uh, that Heisenberg fella?
:'''Mike:''' High school chemistry teacher.
:'''Saul:''' You're shittin' me, really?
:'''Mike:''' Walter Hartwell White. Chemistry teacher over at J. P. Wynne. Working with a former student, current meth head, one Jesse Pinkman. 
:'''Saul:''' Wow... Uh, what else about the teacher?
:'''Mike:''' He has lung cancer.
:'''Saul:''' ''Jesus.'' That's why he can't quit with the coughing. How bad?
:'''Mike:''' Stage 3A. He's in treatment, more tests to come. But it doesn't look good. Now listen, even if this guy was gonna live, I wouldn't go near him. He's a complete amateur.
:'''Saul:''' Well, you see an amateur, I see 170 pounds of clay ready to be molded.
:'''Mike:''' Well, if the cancer doesn't get him, it will be the cops or a bullet to the head. 
:'''Saul:''' Is that your appraisal, or is that what [[w:Gus Fring | He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named]] says about him?
:'''Mike:''' He didn't say anything. The guy is small potatoes. 
:'''Saul:''' Yeah, okay. I hear ya. I just—I got a feeling about this. This Heisenberg guy's got something. It's top-of-the-line product, that's the buzz on the street. And I just think with the right management—
:'''Mike:''' You know, years ago I bought a [[w:Betamax|Betamax]]. Good product, top of the line. Experts said it was better than a VHS. Turned out to be a complete waste of time and money. 
:'''Saul:''' ''Hm?''
:'''Mike:''' ''[sternly]'' Let it go.
:'''Saul:''' ''[sighs]'' ...Guy with that mustache probably doesn't make a lot of good life choices. So yeah, the second-story guy. Menard, you said?
:'''Mike:''' Yeah, right, right, right. Alright, part of a high-end crew fencing jewelry up into Canada. Now, Lasky kid caught a bad break. Cop was driving by just as he was ducking in a window. He did the time, no one else on his crew went down. Solid.
:''[Saul stares off into space, not paying attention to what Mike is saying.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Saul learns that Jeff's friend, Buddy, bailed on one of their scams and confronts him in the garage behind Jeff's house.]''
:'''Saul''': You're kidding me! Absolutely kidding me! 
:'''Buddy''': I'm sorry, man. I couldn't do it.
:'''Saul''': Do you know how much time, how much effort I put into finding the perfect mark?! I have to weed through all these saps who have wives and families at home! Find somebody who's alone, with money! And what—So you can just wimp out?!
:'''Buddy''': The guy has cancer, man! I found pills in his pocket, okay? The same ones my dad took. For, like, pancreatic cancer. 
:'''Saul''': So a guy with cancer can't be an asshole? ''[chuckles]'' Believe me! I speak from experience!
:'''Buddy''': I can't rip off a guy with cancer. I'm sorry.
:'''Saul''': Do you know how many of the suckers we've ripped off had sob stories?! ''Every single one of them!'' Besides, it'll be ''months'' before they even realize they've been taken! This guy will already be dead! So please get back in your truck, go back to the house, and finish the job!
:'''Buddy''': ''[beat]'' No, man. I can't do that! I can't!
:'''Saul''': Alright, I get it! You'll get over it, okay? Please, believe me. Before you know it, you'll forget all about it. ''[softly]'' Go.
:'''Buddy''': Look, we're doing really well, right? Hear me out, okay? I mean, we're rolling in cash! We can just let this one go! 
:'''Saul''': Not your call.
:'''Buddy''': ''[sighs]'' Yeah, but I... I pulled the tape when I left! The door's locked! We couldn't get back in even if we wanted to! ''[Saul angrily slaps the top of Jeff's car]'' Jeff, come on, man! Back me up here! 
:'''Jeff''': Oh, well I... I don't know. I mean, I can see both sides kinda. 
:'''Saul''': You know what? Forget it, you're fired. Just go! Just give me the camera and go! 
:'''Buddy''': ''[hands Saul his camera]'' Fine. 
:'''Saul''': GOOD! Go, we don't need you! And I know I don't need to tell you this, but since you're such a goddamn amateur, I will anyway! Keep your mouth ''shut''.
:''[Buddy gives Jeff one last glance before leaving the garage.]''
:'''Saul''': ''[to Jeff]'' If we're gonna do this, we should leave now.
:'''Jeff''': ...We're really gonna go back there?
:'''Saul''': What did I just say? Jeff, are you in or out?!

=== ''[[w:Waterworks (Better Call Saul) | Waterworks]]'' [6.12] ===
:'''Kim''': Kim Wexler.
:'''Jimmy''': Hey! Kim Wexler... You know who this is? ''[beat; Kim is silent]'' I'm gonna take that as a &quot;yes&quot;. Uh, that receptionist of yours, is she the type to listen in?
:'''Kim''': No.
:'''Jimmy''': Good! Okay! So... How's Florida been treating you? I'm catching you between hurricanes, I hope. ''[pause]'' Kim? You there?
:'''Kim''': What do you want?
:'''Jimmy''': No, I don't... I don't want anything, I just—It's been a while, y'know, I was just... I was thinking, it's been a while? And, uh... It might be nice to catch up.
:'''Kim''': &quot;Catch up?&quot;
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, my mind was wandering this morning, just... Not thinking anything in particular, just random thoughts and—Bam, it suddenly occurred to me, it's been six years. I mean, Jesus. I—I couldn't believe it! ''[beat]'' I thought you might wanna know I'm still alive. ''[pause]'' Yep. I'm still out here! Still getting away with it! Feds couldn't find their own ass with both hands and a proctologist.
:'''Kim''': You shouldn't be calling me.
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, hey! You're awake!
:'''Kim''': ''You shouldn't be calling.''
:'''Jimmy''': Why not? What, am I tying up the line from important irrigation business? I mean, come on, Kim, say something. Hey, call me an asshole! Yell at me! Just let me know you still got a pulse. ''[pause]'' Just ''say'' something!
:'''Kim''': You want me to say something?
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah.
:'''Kim''': You should turn yourself in.
:'''Jimmy''': Do what?
:'''Kim''': You heard me. I don't know what kind of life you've been living, but it can't be much.
:'''Jimmy''': Said the pot to the kettle! What?! That is—hat is really rich, you—''you'' preaching to ''me?!'' See, you have no idea what I did or didn't do, okay? And why–why don't you turn ''your''self in? Seeing as how ''you're'' the one with the guilty conscience, huh? What is—What is stopping you, huh? Fring's in the ground. Mike's in the ground, Lalo's in the ground, apparently. You don't have to hold back on my account! They can only hang me once, so what?! So go ahead! Spill your guts, put on your hair shirt, see what it gets you! Why are... Kim, why are we even talking about this? We're both too smart to throw our lives away for no reason, just... I just—I only wanted to... Kim—Kim...! Kim—
:'''Kim''': I'm glad you're alive. ''[she hangs up]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Cheryl Hamlin has just finished reading Kim's written confession, describing the events leading up to the night of Howard's death]''
:'''Cheryl''': Howard was murdered? ''[pause; Kim nods]'' Why?
:'''Kim''': He was... in the wrong place at the wrong time.
:'''Cheryl''': Where's his body?
:'''Kim''': I don't know.
:'''Cheryl''': And the police... Will they search again?
:'''Kim''': They'll search. I don't think they'll find him. Cheryl, he... It—It all happened in an instant, and he didn't... he didn't suffer.
:'''Cheryl''': &quot;He didn't suffer&quot;? The lies you two made up, the picture you painted... That's all he is now! That's all ''anybody'' remembers!
:'''Kim''': I wanna change that.
:'''Cheryl''': What happens now? Will you be tried? Will you go to jail?
:'''Kim''': I don't know.
:'''Cheryl''': You're a lawyer, right? You're a... a ''great'' one, Howard said! How could you ''not know?''
:'''Kim''': Bernalillo County has my affidavit. It's up to the district attorney whether to prosecute. And she may not.
:'''Cheryl''': ''Why?''
:'''Kim''': There's no physical evidence. No remaining witnesses other than my ex-husband, assuming he's still alive.
:'''Cheryl''': I could sue you in civil court. I could take everything you've got.
:'''Kim''': Yeah.
:'''Cheryl''': ...Why are you doing this?
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kim stands outside Saul's office, attempting to light a cigarette. A man, revealed to be Jesse Pinkman, leans against a wall.]''
:'''Jesse''': Hey, yo... Can I bum one of those?
:''[Kim pauses before offering him the cigarette. Jesse takes one and she lights it for him.]''
:'''Jesse''': Thanks. ''[gestures towards the rain]'' What's up with this shit?
:'''Kim''': Raining.
:'''Jesse''': Yeah. I dunno, it's... It's crazy! Like, bananas, all this rain. I mean, I thought we were, like, in a desert, y'know? ''[beat]'' You're a lawyer, right? ''[Kim turns to him]'' Yeah. I recognize you. You defended my buddy, Combo. Christian Ortega? Juvie court, little baby Jesus? I mean, not like a ''real'' baby. Just, uh... y'know, one of those things outside of the... church?
:'''Kim''': Nativity scene.
:'''Jesse''': Yeah.
:'''Kim''': Knights of Columbus.
:'''Jesse''': I mean, what the ''hell'' did he even ''want'' that thing for? Huh? I mean, I—I still don't know, ''dumbass.'' I told him he could go to hell for stealing something like that. I mean—But did he listen to me? No. But you... You got him off, like, scot-free, that... That was pretty slick, yo!
:'''Kim''': Well... Tell him I hope he's keeping his nose clean.
:'''Jesse''': Yeah, yeah. Right on. Absolutely. Uh... Hey, so, you having all this expertise and all... This guy, Goodman... ''[pause]'' He the real deal? Like, lawyer-wise?
:'''Kim''': Why do you ask?
:'''Jesse''': I got a buddy in there who's facing some serious time. I mean, not... y'know, not baby Jesus time, but... but serious. You know, he needs top-shelf legal representation. And I tell him that, right? But, you know, he sees this dude's commercials on TV, and this is where he wants to go. I mean, I tell him, &quot;Yo... Emilio, you know, a funny TV commercial's not a sound... basis for, like, you know... ''[pause]'' I mean, like, would you go to a doctor to do, like, an operation on you in, like a... On, like your spleen, or whatever... All on the fact that there was a funny TV commercial? No. I mean, c'mon. How is this ''any'' different, y'know?&quot; Anyways... This guy. Any good?
:''[Kim throws her cigarette away]''
:'''Kim''': When I knew him, he was. ''[pulls her hood up and runs out into the rain]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Saul calls Marion after learning that Jeff has been arrested for the robbery he committed the previous night]''
:'''Marion''': Hello? ''[pause]'' Gene! Honey, do you know what time it is? ''[beat; picks up her phone and sits down]'' Oh... Oh God, that boy. He's gonna put me in my grave.
:'''Saul''': Marion... ''[chuckles]'' It's a mistake is all. Getting picked up for something you didn't do, that could happen to anybody.
:'''Marion''': Yeah right, anyone. This isn't the first time, you know. He's been in trouble before. Oh, Jesus! 
:'''Saul''': Marion—
:'''Marion''': The death of me! He's gonna be the death of me! 
:'''Saul''': Marion! Marion, it's gonna be alright. We'll get him outta there lickety-split.
:'''Marion''': I've been through this before. There's nothing lickety-split about it. Back when he was living in Albuquerque... Drunk in public, resisting arrest, urinating in—in some place he shouldn't have! And me on the telephone for hours long-distance, trying to find one of those bailout places. I maxed out my Discover card. I'm still paying for that one! 
:'''Saul''': Well, money's not gonna be a problem because I'm gonna help you with that.
:'''Marion''': No, Gene. I can't let you do that. No.
:'''Saul''': Sure you can. Jeff will pay me back. And you don't have to worry about a bondsman either, because guess what? In Omaha, they don't have 'em. Right? You just walk into the station, you pay out straight cash bail. It's not like Albuquerque at all. ''[beat; Marion starts growing suspicious]'' Marion, you still there?
:'''Marion''': Yeah, what... Why did Jeff call you instead of me?
:'''Saul''': Well, I think he was scared of how you'd take it. Honestly, I was gonna pay the bail myself, but I think it should be a family member. I think that'd be best. ''[brief pause]'' I'll tell you what. Let me take a shower, get dressed, and you do the same. I'll swing by and pick you up, we'll get this whole thing squared away. 
:'''Marion''': What about Buddy? Is he in any trouble?
:'''Saul''': I don't think so. Why would he be? ''Heh.'' I'll see you in about an hour. 
:'''Marion''': Yeah, okay. Yeah, thanks. 
:''[After she hangs up the phone, Marion unplugs her phone cord and connects it to her laptop.]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Saul has just discovered Marion watching videos on the internet. He opens up her laptop to find one of his old commercials playing, then re-shuts it.]''
:'''Saul''': What's that?
:'''Marion''': ...You tell me.
:'''Saul''': Marion, do you think that's me? 'Cause it's not.
:'''Marion''': There never was a Nippy, was there?
:'''Saul''': What did Jeff tell you?
:'''Marion''': Oh, he didn't tell me anything. [[w:AskJeeves | AskJeeves]] told me. I typed in &quot;conman&quot; and &quot;Albuquerque&quot;. And up you popped, big as day. ''[reaches for her phone]''
:'''Saul''': What are you doing, Marion?
:'''Marion''': What do you think I'm doing? I'm calling the police.
:'''Saul''': Here. Let me help you with that. ''[rips the phone line from the wall and backs Marion into a corner]'' Listen, I think we're losing sight of the bigger picture here, okay? Jeff is in trouble, and I wanna help him. He and I could sure use your support here.
:'''Marion''': What'd you get my son into?!
:'''Saul''': Nothing that he didn't ask for. ''[shoves Marion's chair to the side and wraps the phone cord around his fists]'' Listen, I'm still the good friend you thought I was, okay? Jeff understands me! Buddy understands me! And you will, too. You just have to, uh... You know, keep things on an even keel, alright?
:''[Marion pulls out her [[w:Life Alert Emergency Response | LifeAlert button]], threatening Jimmy with it as he closes in.]''
:'''Saul''': What have you got there? Put that down. Put that down, Marion. Put it down. Do not do it, Marion. Final warning... ''[takes it out of her grasp]''
:'''Marion''': I trusted you.
:''[Saul holds on to the button for a few moments, guilt quickly setting in before he lets it go. Marion grasps the button again and presses it.]''
:'''Valerie''': Marion? This is Valerie with LifeAlert. Are you okay?
:'''Marion''': No, Valerie, I'm not okay! There's a criminal standing in my kitchen, threatening me! He's a wanted man, and his name is Saul Goodman!
:'''Valerie''': Alright, Marion? I'm calling the police, I'm calling right now.
:''[Saul sprints out of the kitchen and exits the house. Marion looks on in shock.]''

=== ''Saul Gone'' [6.13] ===

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Better Call Saul seasons]]
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      <id>3153597</id>
      <parentid>3153587</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T16:29:16Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>DemonDrake</username>
        <id>3100809</id>
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:'''Season''' [[Better Call Saul (season 1)|1]] [[Better Call Saul (season 2)|2]] [[Better Call Saul (season 3)|3]] [[Better Call Saul (season 4)|4]] [[Better Call Saul (season 5)|5]] [[Better Call Saul (season 6)|6]] | [[Better Call Saul|'''Main''']]
----

The following is a list of quotes from the sixth season of ''[[Better Call Saul]]''.

=== ''[[w:Wine and Roses|Wine and Roses]]'' [6.01] ===
:''[Mike, Gus, and Tyrus gather in the office trailer at the Los Pollos Hermanos chicken farm to discuss the aftermath of the attempted hit on Lalo Salamanca.]''
:'''Gus:''' Tell me again about the ''sicario'' who made the final report.
:'''Tyrus:''' He was already wounded when he talked to our cutout. Federales found him dead at the scene. But they got Salamanca.
:'''Gus:''' The mercenaries are dead. To a man. And yet their mission was a success?
:'''Mike:''' It has been known to happen. Now you go down there and get Varga, bring him home safe. There's ways to do it on the quiet. 
:''[Long pause; Gus and Tyrus both stare at him.]''
:'''Mike:''' ''[scoffs]'' ...Unless you already have something in the works.
:''[Tyrus turns and exits the trailer. Mike and Gus speak alone.]''
:'''Gus:''' Speak your mind.
:'''Mike:''' Loyalty goes both ways. Varga's done everything you asked him. 
:'''Gus:''' He wasn't given a choice.
:'''Mike:''' Maybe so, but he played a tough game. And he played it on the square. 
:'''Gus:''' ...And?
:'''Mike:''' When all is said and done, the kid deserves your respect.
:'''Gus:''' He has it. Is there more you wish to say?
:''[After a long pause, Mike exits the trailer.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Kim have dinner at a diner; conversation turns to the Ford Taurus that Jimmy has rented.]''
:'''Jimmy:''' I rented us a car. It's the Ford.
:'''Kim:''' So Saul Goodman drives a brown Ford Taurus?
:'''Jimmy:''' Detroit calls that taupe, I believe.
:'''Kim:''' Don't you think Saul Goodman would drive something with a little more... flair?
:'''Jimmy:''' Such as?
:'''Kim:''' I don't know. Definitely American-made. Something showy. And Saul Goodman has an office. Something eye-catching. Good location.
:'''Jimmy:''' By the courthouse?
:'''Kim:''' Yeah. A cathedral of justice.
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Ooooh'', a cathedral of justice. Okay, yeah.
:'''Kim:''' We should start looking for something for you. I mean, for Saul.
:'''Jimmy:''' Sold. When do we start?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[At the courthouse, Jimmy is confronted by the district attorney who prosecuted Lalo during his bail hearing]''
:'''ADA Khalil''': I've been calling you for two days.
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, my girl's out sick. What can I do you for?
:'''ADA Khalil''': Tomorrow morning, 10 A.M.
:'''Jimmy''': Brunch? But just you and me, right? ''[points at Detective Roberts]'' I mean, won't the big fella here feel like a third wheel?
:'''ADA Khalil''': You and I are meeting Parson in chambers. I am asking for an emergency hearing to alter the terms of De Guzman's release.
:'''Jimmy''': Sounds like a blast. Unfortunately, I'm booked solid. 
:'''Detective Roberts''': I checked your client's place of residence. The address he gave, it's a Dairy Queen in Altamonte. The family that showed at the bail hearing can't be located. No driver's license, no tax rolls, no school records. Nothing. The fact is, there isn't a single Elizabeth McKinnon under the age of 73 living in New Mexico.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, this is–this is surprising.
:'''ADA Khalil''': Your client has disappeared, and I'm not waiting six weeks to start looking for him.
:'''Jimmy''': Hey, my guy put up seven million in bail. You think he's just gonna walk away from that?
:'''Detective Roberts''': Who comes up with seven million bucks in cash?
:'''ADA Khalil''': You know what I think? I think the family was fake. ''[to Jimmy]'' And I think you knew it the whole time.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, hold up. Just get real for a second. The hearing didn't go your way, and now you're trying for a do-over? You say my guy ran, I say he's got seven million reasons for showing up when he's legally required to do so. So, no, I won't be... uh, due process window dressing at any crash meeting with Parson. And if you try throwing any of this crap around in front of the judge without my presence, here's an accusation: Prosecutorial misconduct. ''Career-ending'' prosecutorial misconduct!
:'''Detective Roberts''': None of that changes the fact the guy's not who he said he was.
:'''Jimmy''': No, no, no! Hold on! You guys got caught with your pants around your ankles, and somehow that's on me?! I don't think so! ''[points at ADA Khalil]''  You got two dozen lawyers up there! You got investigators—you got the whole damn police force—and it's ''my'' fault that you can't keep track of Lalo?! ''That is '''not''' my job!''
:'''ADA Khalil''': Lalo? Who's Lalo?
:'''Jimmy''': What?! ''[blinks hard]'' What did I say... I meant De Guzman. I have more than one client! ''[chuckles]'' So... ''[clears throat]'' I will see you at the preliminary in six weeks as scheduled. Until then, I have clients who need me.
:''[Jimmy walks into an empty courtroom and sits down while contemplating his slip-up]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy takes a guided tour of the country club where Howard and Cliff are members, meeting with a tour guide named Norm in the main lounge.]''
:'''Norm:''' Hi, Norm Wakely. I understand you're in the market for a tour.
:'''Jimmy:''' That's right. Saul Goodman.
:'''Norm:''' Great to meet you, Mr. Goodman. 
:'''Jimmy:''' No please, call me Saul.
:'''Norm:''' Great. So Saul, can I get you anything before we get started? The coffee here is just unbeatable. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Uh, well, I'm fine. I'm fully caffeinated. 
:''[Kevin Wachtell walks into the room and becomes upset upon seeing Jimmy in the lounge.]''
:'''Norm:''' Well Saul, you and I are standing on hallowed ground. Five presidents have played on our course, starting with Dwight D. Eisenhower. But the story goes back even further than that–
:'''Kevin:''' ''Norm.''
:''[Jimmy and Norm turn toward Kevin.]''
:'''Kevin:''' Can I have a sec, please?
:'''Jimmy:''' Kevin, hey. How's it going?
:'''Norm:''' Uh, I'm sorry. I'm sure this will just be a moment.
:''[Norm goes over to Kevin and talks to him for a few moments, clearly being instructed to remove Jimmy from the premises.]''
:'''Norm:''' Mr. Goodman. I'm so sorry, but I've just been reminded that in fact we have a two-year waiting list.
:'''Jimmy:''' Two years, wow. Maybe I could go on the tour anyway. I mean, 'cause I'm here. Just in case.
:'''Norm:''' Well unfortunately, we've suspended tours for the moment.
:'''Jimmy:''' You're not even giving tours?
:'''Norm:''' I apologize for the inconvenience. We–we'll be happy to call you if the situation changes. You left your number?
:'''Jimmy:''' Uh-huh.
:'''Norm:''' Well, we'll be in touch. If the situation changes. Again, I–I am sorry for your time and trouble. We just– ''[sighs]'' We had a few crosswires.
:'''Jimmy:''' Well... okay then.
:'''Norm:''' Thank you.
:''[Jimmy is about the leave the lounge, but impulsively stops, turns around, and approaches Norm again.]''
:'''Jimmy:''' I'm sorry.
:'''Norm:''' Oh, yes.
:'''Jimmy:''' Um, just so I understand: you were going to give me a tour and then realized you don't need new members?
:'''Norm:''' We have a waiting list.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay, but you're the membership director... 
:'''Norm:''' I know.
:'''Jimmy:''' ...so you would have known that before. It doesn't really add up. I mean, I came in and everyone was rolling out the red carpet, and then all of a sudden something changed. I don't–
:'''Norm:''' Mr. Goodman, I–
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Goodman.'' The name. The second you heard it, everything turned on a dime. Wow. Waiting list? I think you're talking about an ''exclusion'' list. It's okay, I should have known. Because, I mean, look! ''[raises his voice and walks to the middle of the lounge, where everyone can see him]'' It's wall-to-wall mayonnaise in here! So listen, if you're going to be restrictive, have the courage to say so!
:'''Norm:''' There's no question–
:'''Jimmy:''' There it is, folks! Anti-Semitism, alive and well right here in Albuquerque!
:'''Norm:''' Sir! We have many Jewish members!
:'''Jimmy:''' Oh good. Well, you met your quota then. Gold star for you.
:''[Kevin, flanked by two of his golf buddies, interjects.]''
:'''Kevin:''' Hold on. That's gotta be the biggest load of horse crap I've ever heard in my life. Go crawl back in your hole, McGill or Goodman – whatever you're calling yourself. What are you up to, anyway? Ginning up another one of your put-up job lawsuits? You two-faced, blackmailing, money-grubbing son of a bitch–
:'''Jimmy:''' Money-grubbing! You're saying the quiet part out loud, I think.
:'''Norm:''' Gentlemen, can we just keep the volume down?
:'''Kevin:''' You know damn well that's not what I meant!
:'''Jimmy:''' In this day and age, I'd hoped and prayed we'd be beyond this.
:'''Kevin:''' You're about as Jewish as my Aunt Fannie!
:'''Jimmy:''' Five-thousand years and it never ends!
:''[Kevin tries to take a swing at Jimmy, but is held back by his golf buddies.]''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Here it is! Violence! It always comes to this!''
:'''Norm:''' Mr. Wachtell, please!
:'''Kevin's Buddy:''' Come on, Kev.
:'''Kevin:''' ''[to Jimmy]'' You go to hell, you lying sack of shit.
:''[Kevin and his golf buddies leave the lounge.]''
:'''Norm:''' Sir. Mr. Goodman, I don't know what to say. That is not–
:'''Jimmy:''' I wouldn't be a member here. I wouldn't walk through those doors again after what happened to me here today. ''[feigns tears]'' Do you at least have a bathroom that I could use, seeing as how my– Stress like that is hell on my diverticulitis. 
:'''Norm:''' The men's locker room is the closest. It's straight through there.
:'''Jimmy:''' And I would be allowed to go in there?
:'''Norm:''' Yes, of course.
:'''Jimmy:''' I want you to know I don't blame you personally. I know you were just following orders. ''[to everyone in the lounge]'' It's okay, folks! I'm leaving! All is well!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo is preparing to be smuggled across the border with a group of undocumented immigrants when he decides to call the Casa Tranquila Nursing Home and speak to Hector. A nurse holds a phone up to Hector's ear in the common room. Hector uses his bell to communicate.]''
:'''Lalo:''' ''[in Spanish]'' Uncle, can you hear me? Do you know my voice?
:''[Hector visibly recognizes Lalo's voice.]''
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings bell twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' They told you about the attack, didn't they?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' Let them keep believing I'm dead. So much the better. It was the chicken man. That coward sat up there in the north while his paramilitaries came into my home. My home, Uncle! Screw Bolsa, screw Eladio. I'm coming north. I'm going to hurt him. Hurt him like you taught me. And then I will kill him. 
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings repeatedly in agreement]''
:'''Lalo:''' What is it?
:''[The nurse takes the phone from Hector.]''
:'''Nurse:''' Hector? ''[to Lalo]'' Excuse me. I'm so sorry, but Hector seems a little upset.
:'''Lalo:''' ''[in English]'' Yeah, sorry. Um, I'm just– I'm sharing a bit of family news, some good, some bad. Would you mind putting him back on? It will only be a minute.
:'''Nurse:''' Of course.
:''[The nurse again holds the phone to Hector's ear.]''
:'''Lalo:''' ''[in Spanish]'' Uncle?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' What is it? Do you have another idea? 
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' Okay, let's see. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, Ñ, O, P–
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' P? That's right?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' Okay. What's next? A, B, C, D...
:''[Cut to the common room; Hector rings twice.]''
:'''Lalo:''' ...L, M, N, Ñ...
:''[Cut to the common room; Hector rings once.]''
:'''Lalo:''' U? ''Prueba?'' 
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' Is that what you're saying? Proof?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' Uncle, I don't have any proof. For months I was in the north watching him, following his men. There was nothing.
:''[Lalo has a flash of realization.]''
:'''Lalo:''' Wait... There is proof. I know where to find it. Goodbye, Uncle. You will see me soon.

=== ''[[w:Carrot and Stick|Carrot and Stick]]'' [6.02] ===
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;I was a hard worker. I was a company man. Twenty years, and I didn't miss a single day. They even gave me a plaque for it. ''[sighs]'' It was a gold plaque. Perfect attendance... But when they handed it to me, I wrenched my back. I was in so much pain, I couldn't do my job... ''[sighs again]'' which meant I couldn't put food on the table. I didn't want to sue... but with a family to support, what choice did I have?&quot;
:'''Kim''': Wait, who are you supposed to be again?
:'''Jimmy''': Whatever. The backstory is just a placeholder. I'm gonna polish the script once we cast.
:'''Kim''': But a personal injury suit? Best case scenario, that gets him in with an associate.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[throws hands up]'' Mesothelioma. ''[clears his throat]'' &quot;When I took that job down at the shoe factory, I had no idea I was risking my life. Now, I can't stop coughin'!&quot; Right? Come on! Hey, a mesothelioma class-action built Clifford Main his vacation house. He hears &quot;mesothelioma,&quot; his eyes pop!
:'''Kim''': Well, sure. But then he takes the case. What happens when he asks for a medical evaluation? And how does Howard come up?
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, ask me why I'm here.
:'''Kim''': What brings you to Davis &amp; Main today?
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;I'm sick. I'm really sick...&quot;
:'''Kim''': Good.
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;...and it's not mesothelioma, but it's not good. And I need a lawyer, and the pickings are slim. I already went to HHM. I met with their top guy, Howard Hamlin, and uh... Uhhh, I–I got a brother-in-law and he's got a pretty nasty coke habit, very similar energy. Just put me off. Anyway, I need a lawyer, blah-blah-blah.&quot;
:'''Kim''': Okay, but you got a bad feeling from just one meeting?
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, I had the brother-in-law with the coke.
:'''Kim''': Yeah, but you were only in the room with him once.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, so it's gotta be something with a history with Howard.
:'''Kim''': Yeah.
:'''Jimmy''': But Cliff has to want to take the meeting, but not the case.
:'''Kim''': Right. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[sighs]'' It's gotta be good, but not too good.
:'''Kim''': Exactly. There's a sweet spot, you know. Like a magnet. We–we pull Cliff in, and then repel him. ''[beat]'' Oh!
:'''Jimmy''': What?
:'''Kim''': ''[sighs]'' You are going to ''hate'' this...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy tracks down the Kettlemans to their shady tax preparation office and tries to rope them into his and Kim's plan to ruin Howard]'' 
:'''Betsy''': ''[to Jimmy]'' You've got some nerve coming here after what you did! ''[shoves Jimmy]'' ''Leave!'' Because of you, we lost ''everything!'' Our kids are in public school! So why don't you go crawl back under whatever slime-covered rock you came from and leave us the heck alone?! 
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, I sense some anger here, but that's–that's perfectly understandable. Since you brought it up, I came here today because I was curious if you two wanted your lives back. There's actually a legal term for it: Exoneration. 
:'''Craig''': Oh. You know, we actually did look into that.
:'''Betsy''': Yep.
:'''Craig''': We went to a number of lawyers, and—
:'''Betsy''': ''Real'' lawyers.
:'''Craig''': Yes. They were all terrific, but they said that it was impossible.
:'''Betsy''': ''Mm-hmm''.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, but those lawyers don't know what I know.
:'''Craig''': What's that?
:'''Betsy''': No, Craig. He's got an angle.
:'''Jimmy''': I ''do'' have an angle, Craig. It's an angle called justice. ''[Betsy scoffs and snickers]'' Let me put it this way: I think that within Craig's case, I have found the grounds for a civil suit. A big one. ''[pause; quietly]'' Big. 
:'''Betsy''': ''[long pause; looks at Craig]'' Okay, then. Let's hear it.
:'''Jimmy''': Let's hold your horses, because we've been down this road before. [[w:Uno (Better Call Saul)|And the last time I gave you two advice, you went straight to the competition with it.]] ''[pulls out a piece of paper from inside his suit]'' So, I just need some assurances that all my hard work isn't gonna end up in the hands of, uh, Clifford Main or some other asshole at some pretentious high-pay, white-shoe law firm. So before we talk turkey, letters of engagement. 
:'''Craig''': Yes.
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, you remember these. I made some updates, just closed a few loopholes and whatnot. So... ''[holds out paper and pen]''
:'''Betsy''': ''[stops Craig from taking the pen]'' We're not signing anything.
:'''Jimmy''': You have to sign if you want to know what I know. 
:'''Betsy''': ''We're not signing.''
:'''Jimmy''': Really? You're sure?
:'''Betsy''': Yep.
:'''Jimmy''': Craig?
:'''Craig''': ''[looks at Betsy before shaking his head]'' Thanks anyway.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[unclicks pen]'' Alright. Well, uh... Sorry we couldn't work something out.
:'''Betsy''': I'm sure you are.
:''[Jimmy overhears Betsy and Craig arguing as he walks around the trailer. He balls the pen in his fist]''
:'''Craig''': Mr. Goodman!
:'''Jimmy''': ''[smiles; clicks pen and takes out letter]'' Best decision you've ever made. ''[turns his back to Craig for him to sign the letter]'' Here you go.
:'''Betsy''': ''[after Craig signs the letter]'' So what do you know?
:'''Jimmy''': You got one, too, Betsy. ''[holds out another letter]''
:''[Betsy snatches the pen and paper from Jimmy and signs the letter while pressing the pen hard on Jimmy's back]'' 
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, come on. That's not... ''Ow''. All right. Well, we're officially in business. Now, I have it on good authority here that Craig was not given proper counsel. 
:'''Betsy''': We already knew that.
:'''Jimmy''': But did you ask yourselves why?
:'''Craig''': No. Why?
:'''Jimmy''': What if I told you that in your hour of need, the person who was supposed to be on your side was impaired?
:'''Craig''': Impaired?
:'''Jimmy''': It's a... a person of substance. ''[as Betsy and Craig talk to each other quietly]'' Substance in question being a certain illegal white powder.
:'''Betsy''': That awful woman with the ponytail is a cocaine addict.
:'''Jimmy''': No, not Kim Wexler! No! Craig's lead attorney, Howard Hamlin! 
:'''Craig''': Oh. I thought he was so... professional and energetic. Upbeat. 
:'''Betsy''': Oh...
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;Oh,&quot; is right.
:'''Craig''': So upbeat is bad?
:'''Jimmy''': In this case, it's textbook malpractice. The magic phrase is, &quot;ineffective assistance of counsel.&quot; If your guy wasn't nose deep in the devil's dandruff, well, Craig's case would've turned out completely different.
:'''Craig''': Oh, my God! 
:'''Betsy''': Don't we need some kind of proof?
:'''Jimmy''': All the dirty laundry comes out in discovery. It’s just trips to rehab, secret drug deals. All we gotta do is get the ball rolling. So, I say we get started on your affidavits. 
:'''Craig''': Yes.
:'''Betsy''': About that. We happen to know a thing or two about our rights, Mr. McGill. And it doesn’t matter what you force us to sign. We don’t have to work with any lawyer we don’t want. ''[gets in Jimmy's face]'' And that means... you’re fired. 
:'''Jimmy''': I am not fired.
:'''Betsy''': Oh yes, you are!
:'''Jimmy''': No! No!
:'''Craig''': He’s fired?
:'''Betsy''': Craig! 
:'''Jimmy''': No, you can’t fire me! I found this case, it’s mine! Hey, you wanna hear about rights?! The second you say where you got this information from, guess who automatically gets a cut?! ''Me! So go ahead! Go ahead, see what happens!''
:''[Jimmy pretends to be upset after the Kettlemans leave, but slowly starts smiling as he walks away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gus and Juan Bolsa visit Hector at Casa Tranquila to send their condolences, still believing that Lalo is dead. The dialogue is in Spanish.]''
:'''Bolsa''': He wishes to make amends. At least hear him out.
:'''Gus''': Don Hector. It's no secret that I did not see eye to eye with your nephew. And while the friction between your family and myself did not start with him, today I am reminded we are all Eladio's men. No matter our disagreements, a strike against one is a strike against all. I hope you will accept my condolences and my support as you navigate this terrible loss.
:'''Bolsa''': Gustavo speaks the truth. In this matter, he and I both stand shoulder to shoulder behind the Salamanca family. We are still looking for the traitor, Ignacio Varga. ''[places hand on Hector's shoulder]'' We will find him. And then your family will have justice.
:''[Hector slowly reaches his hand out to Gus. As Gus holds his hand, he notices a change of expression on Hector's face and stares at him. Cut to outside the nursing home.]'' 
:'''Bolsa''': ''[to Gus in English]'' We'll be in touch.
:''[Gus calls Mike on his cell phone after Bolsa drives away]''
:'''Mike''': What did you learn?
:'''Gus''': Lalo Salamanca lives.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy gets a call from Betsy Kettleman after she finds out there was no case against Howard]''
:'''Jimmy''': Saul Goodman, speedy justice for you. Oh, wait! Okay, just take a breath, and then we can... Okay, okay. I can tell you're upset. Just... I–I never advised that. No. ''[sighs]'' No, I did not, so let's agree to disagree. ''[pause]'' Okay, I think you're going to want to meet in person before you do anything rash. So how about–how about we meet up, and we can hash this out. ''[pause]'' Yeah, sure! Tomorrow, first thing. Uh, 9 A.M, I can come to your office. That work? ...Okay, okay! Good! ''[hangs up]'' 
:'''Kim''': I'm surprised it took them this long. You, uh... You're gonna use the stick, right? 
:'''Jimmy''': The stick? Well, it's a big stick. But I know these people, they're more carrot types. Especially her. ''[takes out cash and puts the bills in his suit pocket]'' Spoonful of sugar, you know?
:'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' I think maybe I'll come, too.
:'''Jimmy''': Tomorrow? Really?
:'''Kim''': Sure. I have time.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' Okay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tyrus''': They found the truck, but no sign of Varga. Salamancas have all eyes looking for him, including the federales. Still not picking up his cell, so nobody got a lock on it. Now as for Lalo, still missing. As far as everybody in the cartel is concerned, top to bottom, Lalo is dead.
:'''Mike''': May I offer a thought? ''[pause; to Gus]'' If Salamanca was coming straight for you, he'd be here already. We've got guys watching anywhere he might turn up this side of Mexico. Wire taps on any phone he might call. There is not a whiff of him. Now, my guess is he's smart enough to know it's not in the Salamanca family interest to take you out without a reason the bosses can get behind. So, the odds are he's searching for Varga. Finds him alive, gets him to talk. ''[pause; Gus remains silent]'' Varga's alone in foreign territory, no one he can trust. The kid's smart, but he's not gonna last. ''[Gus stands up]'' He's gonna get caught.
:''[Gus accidentally knocks a glass over and kneels down to pick up the shards from the floor]''
:'''Gus''': Continue.
:'''Mike''': The best way to handle this: I take four of our best guys, cross the border and track Varga down. Let me find him, bring him back before the Salamancas sweep him up. It's our only play.
:''[After cleaning up the broken glass, Gus throws it away and looks out a nearby window]''
:'''Gus''': ''[beat; in Spanish]'' Varga's father. Bring him here.
:'''Mike''': No. You're not doing that. ''[locks the door after Tyrus gets his gun out]'' You don't understand. That's not happening. 
:'''Tyrus''': ''[walks up to Mike and aims gun at him]'' Just say the word.
:'''Mike''': Whatever happens next... it's not gonna go down the way you think it is.
:''[Mike stares at Tyrus, who cocks his gun and waits for Mike to make a move.]''
:'''Mike''': ''[beat; hears cell phone vibrating]'' It's him.
:'''Tyrus''': Bullshit. I've been calling Varga for hours. He hasn't picked up once. 
:'''Mike''': He's been trying to get me since he left the Salamancas. ''[opens phone]'' You want me to answer it?
:''[Tyrus turns to Gus, who nods. Mike answers the phone and speaks to Nacho]''
:'''Mike''': Yeah. ''[pause]'' Yeah. ...Not my call. ''[pause]'' That's up to you. ''[to Gus]'' He wants to talk to you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Betsy:''' You used us &amp;ndash; us and our good name &amp;ndash; to character-assassinate Howard Hamlin. Somehow, some way, it benefits you to tear him down.
:'''Craig:''' Yeah. And we're&amp;ndash;we're mad.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay, yeah. I'm hearing a lot of unfounded accusations being tossed around. I don't know anything about schemes or character assassination or whatnot, but... ''[clears throat]'' if you're feeling slighted, we can make it right. ''[Jimmy hands Betsy a bundle of cash]''
:'''Betsy:''' Money? ''[scoffs]'' Money's not gonna take care of this.
:'''Jimmy:''' Money takes care of everything. Isn't that the motto stitched onto the Kettleman family crest?
:'''Betsy:''' We don't want money. 
:'''Jimmy:''' I am non-plussed. I'm guessing you want something.
:'''Betsy:''' Do what you promised.
:'''Jimmy:''' Do what I what?
:'''Betsy:''' Exonerate Craig. Get his good name back. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Alright. Well, as you've been advised, for a number of reasons that's not gonna happen.
:'''Betsy:''' It ''is'' gonna happen. It is. It's... You're just gonna have to figure out a way.
:'''Craig:''' If anyone can do this, it's you.
:'''Betsy:''' I know you don't want us going to Howard Hamlin. Because whatever it is you're up to, I'm sure he would be ''very'' interested.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay, let's just go easy on the threats.
:'''Betsy:''' We want our lives back! The way they were before. ''Before.'' We lost everything! And we don't deserve any of this.
:'''Kim:''' Okay. Enough carrot. ''[clears throat]''
:''[Kim turns to the home phone next to her and begins to dial]''
:'''Craig:''' Dial 9 to get out.
:'''Kim:''' Oh, thank you.
:'''Betsy:''' ''[whispering; to Craig]'' We didn't give her permission to use the phone.
:'''Craig:''' ''[whispering; to Betsy]'' She needs to use the phone.
:'''Jimmy:''' Kim... ?
:''[The line connects; Kim speaks through the phone's speaker]''
:'''Receptionist:''' Internal Revenue Service, Albuquerque.
:'''Kim:''' Hi. Could you put me through to Justin Stangel in Criminal Investigations? 
:'''Receptionist:''' One moment, please.
:'''Betsy:''' ''[to Kim]'' What are you doing? Excuse me!
:'''Justin:''' This is Justin.
:'''Kim:''' Justin, Kim Wexler. How are you?
:'''Justin:''' Hey, Kim. Good to hear from you.
:'''Kim:''' How are Noreen and the boys?
:'''Justin:''' Oh, hanging in. Noreen always talks about having you by for dinner some time.
:'''Kim:''' We should do that. Tell her to call me. Listen, I was wondering who your CID officer is these days.
:'''Justin:''' You have something for us?
:'''Kim:''' Oh, I just might: Tax preparer fraud. A lot of it.
:'''Justin:''' I'm listening.
:'''Kim:''' Well, it's this, uh, run-down little mom-and-pop outfit I've had my eye on for a while. ''[chuckles]'' Don't ask me why. Clearly, I need to get a life. But from what I can glean, their clients always end up with smaller refunds than they deserve.
:'''Betsy:''' ''[whispering]'' Please don't do this.
:'''Justin:''' Do the clients sign over third-party authorization?
:'''Kim:''' Bingo. So what I'm thinking is, these creeps file legit returns with you guys, give the clients fake ones that show about half the proper amount, and then pocket the difference. 
:'''Justin:''' Classic scam. Well, I know just the guy to go after these dirtbags. Tony Oropallo. Real bulldog. I'll transfer you over.
:'''Kim:''' Such a big help, Justin.
:'''Justin:''' You got it. Talk soon.
:'''Betsy:''' You don't have to do this.
:'''Kim:''' ''[to Betsy]'' Don't I? Betsy... You'll probably get twenty-four months, maybe eighteen with good behavior. But Craig? You are a two-time loser. They will definitely make an example out of you. Each false return they discover will be a separate felony. What are we talking? A hundred?
:'''Betsy:''' Uh...
:'''Kim:''' Two-hundred? 
:'''Tony:''' ''[beat]'' CID, Anthony Oropallo speaking.
:''[Betsy runs to the phone and slams down the receiver to end the call]''
:'''Betsy:''' Please. We'll do anything. Just tell us.
:'''Kim:''' ''[beat]'' Why would I believe ''you?'' Huh?
:'''Craig:''' Please. 
:'''Kim:''' ''[long pause]'' First. First, you contact every person you've ripped off. Tell them you made an accounting error, tell them you're crooks who had a change of heart, I don't care. Give them what they are legally owed. Everything you stole. And then after that, you're going to forget you ever heard the name Howard Hamlin. I'm keeping my eye on both of you. You think you've lost everything? ''You have no idea.''
:''[Kim leaves the room with Jimmy while the Kettlemans stand shellshocked, on the verge of tears]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy:''' [[w:Inflatable (Better Call Saul)|Wolves and sheep]].
:'''Kim:''' Huh?
:'''Jimmy:''' ...Nothing.

=== ''[[w:Rock and Hard Place|Rock and Hard Place]]'' [6.03] ===
:''[Nacho calls his father from an auto shop while on the run]''
:'''Manuel''': A-to-Z Fine Upholstery. Hello?
:'''Nacho''': Dad. It's me.
:'''Manuel''': Nacho?
:'''Nacho''': ''Si'', Papa. ''Hola''.
:'''Manuel''': ''[sighs]'' ''Hola, hijo.'' ''[in Spanish]'' How are you?
:'''Nacho''': ''[in Spanish]'' Good, good. Um... just wanted to hear your voice.
:'''Manuel''': Nacho, where are you? You sound strange.
:''[pause]''
:'''Nacho''': It's not important.... I was just checking in, that's all.
:'''Manuel''': Okay. ''Hijo'', I have lots of work to do. We've been through this, so many times. You know what you have to do... go to the police.
:'''Nacho''': Yes, Papa. I understand... I hear you.
:''[pause]''
:'''Manuel''': What else is there to say? Hmm? Goodbye, ''hijo''.
:'''Nacho''': ''[choked up]'' Goodbye, Papa.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Nacho calls Mike at an auto repair shop in Mexico while on the run from the Salamancas]''
:'''Mike''': Yeah.
:'''Nacho''': It's me.
:'''Mike''': Yeah.
:'''Nacho''': You knew. You knew that I was going to Mexico to die, that I was never supposed to make it out of that motel. And you let it happen.
:'''Mike''': Not my call.
:'''Nacho''': What happens now?
:'''Mike''': That's up to you. 
:'''Nacho''': Is that bastard with you? Put him on.
:'''Mike''': Hmm. ''[to Gus]'' He wants to talk to you.
:'''Gus''': ''[takes cell phone from Mike; to Nacho]'' Yes.
:'''Nacho''': You are screwed. ''[pause]'' You want the cartel to blame me for Lalo. But if they catch me, and make me talk? ''Ooh...'' That is not good for you, is it? Even if I disappear, everyone's gonna smell your stink all over it. The only way that this works for you is with me dead. ''[beat]'' Alright. Whatever bullshit way you want the story to go, I will make it go. But... I need one thing. 
:'''Gus''': Yes?
:'''Nacho''': My dad. I need to know that he will be safe.
:'''Gus''': If you are true to your word, there will be no reason for anyone to harm your father.
:'''Nacho''': ''You'' are not the one that I need to hear it from.
:''[Gus puts the phone on speaker so Mike can speak to Nacho]''
:'''Mike''': Your dad's gonna be okay.
:'''Nacho''': How do you know?
:'''Mike''': Because anyone who goes after him is gonna have to come through me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Huell sit in a car; Jimmy pays Huell for duplicating the keys to Howard's Jaguar]''
:'''Huell:''' Can I ask you sum'n?
:'''Jimmy:''' Sure, go ahead.
:'''Huell:''' Personal, kind of.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay. What?
:'''Huell:''' You're a lawyer. You make good money, right?
:'''Jimmy:''' Good days and bad, but yeah.
:'''Huell:''' Legit money, on the level.
:'''Jimmy:''' Yeah, so?
:'''Huell:''' Your wife's a lawyer. A legit lawyer.
:'''Jimmy:''' Yeah.
:'''Huell:''' Why you do all this? 
:'''Jimmy:''' Oh, I got you. I&amp;ndash;I know from the outside that this looks like just another scam, but you're not seeing the bigger picture. Couple months from now, there are people whose lives are gonna be way better. Because of this. We're making a real difference. Trust me. We're doing the Lord's work here. 
:'''Huell:''' ''Hmph''. If you say so.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': What's going on?
:'''Kim''': I have news, Jimmy. Lalo is dead.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[exhales deeply]'' Holy shit. 
:'''Kim''': The DA's office put it together that Lalo was calling himself De Guzman. They are pretty upset they let him go.
:'''Jimmy''': I'll bet they are.
:'''Kim''': Ericsen seems to think that if Lalo lied to you and you didn't know about the pseudonym, that you could break confidentiality. She wants you to talk. She says it's right.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, what do you think we should do?
:'''Kim''': You... should do whatever you want, Jimmy. They don't have anything on you. It's just a fishing expedition to see if you bite.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' You think I should do it?
:'''Kim''': It depends.  
:'''Jimmy''': On what?
:'''Kim''': Well... ''[sighs]'' I guess it's basically... Do you want to be a friend of the cartel or... do you want to be a rat?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Nacho is driven to a remote location with Gus, Tyrus and Victor. There they meet Juan Bolsa, Hector Salamanca, and the Cousins. Bolsa kneels next to Nacho.]''
:'''Bolsa:''' Today, you are going to die. But there are good deaths, and there are bad deaths. Tell me what I need to know, I'll see that your death is a good one. Who put you up to this?
:''[Nacho glances at Gus, as if he's about to turn on him]''
:'''Bolsa:''' One last chance. ''Who?'' ''[long pause; scoffs and gets up to leave]''
:'''Nacho:''' It was Alvarez. Los Odios, out of Peru. They paid me to set up your nephew. And I did.
:''[Hector furiously rings his bell and attempts to point to Gus, who he knows is the real culprit]''
:'''Bolsa:''' Alvarez, we know. Los Odios, we know. Was anyone else involved?
:'''Nacho:''' ''[scoffs; nods to Gus]'' Him? You think the chicken man? ''Heh.'' What a joke. Alvarez has been paying me for years &amp;ndash; ''years''. ''[to the Salamancas]'' But you know what? I would have done it for free. Because I hate every last one of you psycho sacks of shit. I opened Lalo's gate, and I would do it again. And I'm glad what they did to him. He's a soulless pig, and I wished I'd killed him with my own hands. And you know what else, Hector? I put you in that chair. Oh, yeah. Your heart meds? I switched them for sugar pills. You were dead and buried, and I had to watch ''this'' asshole... ''[gestures to Gus]'' ...bring you back. So when you are sitting in your shitty nursing home and you're sucking down on your Jell-O night after night for the rest of your life, ''you think of '''me,''' you twisted fuck.''

=== ''[[w:Hit and Run (Better Call Saul)|Hit and Run]]'' [6.04] ===
:'''Jimmy:''' What kind of asshole moves a cone?!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': So, I pull the Jag into the loading zone. And I start scrappin' with this hunk of metal. It was in deep—like, &quot;down a well&quot; deep—so I just... wrassled it! UGH! ''[Kim laughs hysterically]'' Like a freakin' bear, and I jam it in the dirt in front of the Jag! Boom! Barely made it out of there with the skin of my teeth. ''Who moves cones?'' Who does that?
:'''Kim''': Narcissists.
:'''Jimmy''': Heh, you're damn right. So you think Cliff really bought it, huh?
:'''Kim''': One hundred percent! You should've seen his face. It landed, trust me. God, it was... beautiful. ''[pause]'' Oh, and that is not all. 
:'''Jimmy''': Spill.
:'''Kim''': So... I'm doing the stall. I'm telling Cliff what I'm doing—what I wanna be doing. All I'm thinking is, I gotta stretch this out until you get there, but then... I don't know. I... kinda got caught up in it, and then... Cliff went for it. I mean, like, ''really'' went for it.
:'''Jimmy''': What does that mean? Like, money?
:'''Kim''': I don't think he'll write a check himself, but he knows people. And I think he'll deliver.
:'''Jimmy''': You're kidding! 
:'''Kim''': I know! How great is that?
:'''Jimmy''': This is unbelievable. ''[Kim laughs]'' Are we on a roll, or are we on a roll? Jeez! 
:'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' You ever feel like you're being followed? ''[pause]'' When I dropped Wendy off at the motel, she thought she was being watched by some undercover cops. But then when I drove away... that same car was behind ''me.'' Right after I spotted them, they disappeared.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, you know what they say: The wicked flee where no man pursueth. 
:'''Kim''': ...You think we're wicked?
:'''Jimmy''': No. What? ''[chuckles]'' It's just a turn of phrase. I think you're wicked hot. ''[pause]'' Alright. Listen to the voice of experience, okay? You know why you're feeling like this? Because we got away with it. It seems too good to be true, but trust me. Nobody is following you. ''[takes Kim's hand]'' No one knows what we're doing except for us. Okay?
:'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' Okay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy confronts Bill Oakley at the courthouse when he notices his colleagues' cold treatment of him]''
:'''Jimmy''': What the hell is going on?! How come everyone's treating me like I'm covered in oozing pus sores?
:'''Bill''': I liked you better when you were just a regular bottom feeder. But this?
:'''Jimmy''': This? What is, &quot;this?&quot;
:'''Bill''': I understand advocating for your client. Deep in my heart, I get it. But you scammed the court. You scammed the judge, and for what? To get a murdering cartel psychopath back out on the street? It's just... wrong.
:'''Jimmy''': That's a lot of big talk, Bill. Prove it. Prove it, Bill!
:'''Bill''': There's proving, and then there's knowing. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': They're gone.
:'''Kim''': I'm sorry?
:'''Mike''': The two men that were following you. They're gone.
:'''Kim''': Do I know you?
:'''Mike''': Would you mind sitting for a moment, and I will answer any questions I can. ''[pause; Kim sits down next to Mike]'' I have men watching you and your husband. I'm not with the police, and as far as I know, they're not investigating either of you. I ''do'' know that you've been up to a few things that you probably would rather keep private. I don't care. That's not what this is about. I'm trying to solve a problem of my own. 
:'''Kim''': What problem?
:'''Mike''': Lalo Salamanca.
:'''Kim''': Lalo Salamanca's dead. ''[beat; Mike says nothing and stares at Kim]'' He... isn't.
:'''Mike''': We're watching anyone he might contact. That includes you and your husband. Most likely, he'll never reach out. He's got bigger fish to fry. But in the thousand to one chance that he does...
:'''Kim''': And who do you work for?
:'''Mike''': I said I would answer anything I can. 
:'''Kim''': ''[long pause]'' [[w:Bagman (Better Call Saul)|You're the guy from the desert]]. The one who was out there with Jimmy. Why are you telling me this and not him?
:'''Mike''': Because I think you're made of sterner stuff. ''[pause; gets up]'' Alright. Now here's what's best for everyone. You spot my guys again—which I'm hoping you won't—let them go about their business. Just pretend they're not there. And pretty soon, they won't be. You and your husband just... go on living your lives. ''[starts to leave]''
:'''Kim''': I do know you. You worked in the parking booth at the courthouse. ''[pause]'' You were the attendant.
:'''Mike''': ...I was.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kim meets Jimmy at a strip mall where an office space is available for lease]''
:'''Kim''': What are we doing here?
:'''Jimmy''': Take a look. What do you think?
:'''Kim''': About what?
:'''Jimmy''': My new office. Potentially. Come on.
:''[They both peer through the storefront windows of the office, which is empty except for a lone toilet]''
:'''Kim''': Huh.
:'''Jimmy''': Mrs. Nguyen kicked me to the curb.
:'''Kim''': What? Why?
:'''Jimmy''': It's a long story, but upshot is she wants me out of there with extreme prejudice.
:'''Kim''': Wow. Bad day, huh?
:'''Jimmy''': Well, no. It was a... great day. With actual paying clients. The word is out! People were throwing cash retainers at me just to say Saul Goodman is their lawyer.
:'''Kim''': Because of who you represented.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, I mean, that's part of it. But the bottom line is I need a new place for new business pronto. Now, this place is a shithole, but the price is right. And I think I can talk the landlord into a month-to-month. So, it's temporary until I find something better. ''[sighs; pause]'' Hey. What do you think?
:'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' It's small. It's... dirty. And this whole place smells funny. ''[pause]'' But the courthouse is five blocks away. You can't get to MDC without driving past. Parking is good, bail bond row isn't far, and uh... Taco Cabeza is just around the corner. Might be a diamond in the rough. Just promise me... you won't move the toilet.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[chuckles]'' There it is. Alright. Uh... speaking of Taco Cabeza.
:'''Kim''': I'm starving. Let's do it.

=== ''[[w:Black and Blue (Better Call Saul)|Black and Blue]]'' [6.05] ===
:''[Cliff informs Howard about witnessing Jimmy throw Wendy out of Howard's car]''
:'''Howard:''' I threw a woman out of my car? In the middle of the street? And I&amp;ndash;''zip''&amp;ndash;I just drive right past you? I... That's what you're saying? I-I-I don't even... I don't know how to respond to that.
:'''Cliff:''' I'm not asking you to respond. I just need you to know that ''I'' know. 
:'''Howard:''' It wasn't me, Cliff. Whoever you think you saw&amp;ndash;
:'''Cliff:''' Yeah, sorry, but that's the kind of thing my son used to say. It was your Jaguar, your &quot;Namaste&quot; plate. It was you! Howard, there's no harm in asking for help. You got a lot of people in your corner.
:'''Howard:''' So there's the-the baggie at the county club.
:'''Cliff:''' Yes.
:'''Howard:''' After that, some clients&amp;ndash;who you can't name because of privilege&amp;ndash;make insinuations. Then on Thursday, you have a business meeting and you witness a Jaguar speeding past. ''[beat]'' Who were you meeting with?
:'''Cliff:''' Not sure why that's germaine, but... Kim Wexler. She came to me for career advice.
:''[Howard's face becomes awash with realization]''
:'''Howard:''' ''Mmm.'' All right. ''[pause]'' Okay. ''[takes out his cell phone]'' Of course. ''[scoffs]'' Of course. ''[to Cliff]'' Cliff, I know this wasn't easy for you. You came to me as a friend. I appreciate it.
:'''Cliff:''' You can start today, Howard.
:'''Howard:''' Oh, I will. Because you're right, I ''do'' have a problem. Just not the problem you think. I have a Jimmy McGill problem.
:'''Cliff:''' Jimmy McGill?!
:'''Howard:''' You'll have to excuse me.
:'''Cliff:''' Howard!
:'''Howard:''' ''[to his secretary on the phone]'' Julie. Cancel my week. Yes, my whole week. 
:'''Cliff:''' Howard!
:''[Howard climbs into his Jaguar and drives away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy walks into a boxing club and sees Howard, who pretended to be a potential client named &quot;Mr. Ward&quot;]''
:'''Howard''': Hello, Jimmy.
:'''Jimmy''': Mr. Ward, I presume. As in... H.O. Ward. That is really cute, Howard. So, wait. That means that you're the guy who shanked some dude in a rumble near Central Pen. ''[sighs]'' That's—that's very street of you. 
:'''Howard''': I thought it sounded like a Saul Goodman kind of case.
:'''Jimmy''': ...Alright, so what are we doing here? 
:'''Howard''': I'm tired, Jimmy. You and me, us. I'm tired of this. Aren't you? It's exhausting. ''[points at boxing ring behind him]'' Let's punch it out.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[chuckles]'' Are you kidding?
:'''Howard''': Dead serious. Hoping you might get it out of your system. Do I think it'll work? ''[shrugs]'' I don't know. Call it a Hail Mary. I have the gear, I rented the ring. It's just you and me... ''[points at the man standing behind Jimmy]'' and Macky to ref. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' I am sorry, but have you lost your mind?
:'''Howard''': Actually, I'm as clear-headed as I've ever been in my life. You didn't even try to hide your tracks. The baggie of drugs at the country club, the clients you sent to discredit me, ''another'' prostitute.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, once again as usual, I—
:'''Howard''': Please. I could go on. All roads lead back to you. It's Psych 101. You want to get caught. 
:'''Jimmy''': So what? Is this like pistols at dawn?
:'''Howard''': I'm trying to give you what you want. 
:'''Jimmy''': What I want? I don't... I think this is what ''you'' want. You wanna beat the shit out of me? Legally? 
:'''Howard''': I think you can hold up your end. You must've gotten into a few good scrapes in your old neighborhood. 
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, right. I could've been a contender. 
:'''Howard''': Indulge me. Let's see what we see. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause; smiles]'' Thanks for the laughs. ''[chuckles]'' &quot;Mr. Ward.&quot; 
:''[Jimmy laughs and starts to walk out, but stops. He and Howard are seen suited up with boxing gloves as they begin their fight. They both land a few punches on each other, but Howard eventually knocks Jimmy down]'' 
:'''Howard''': ''[to Jimmy]'' You've mistaken my kindness for weakness. I like to think that tonight made a difference. I like to think that this ends it. ''[pause; shakes his head]'' Probably not.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': I should've left Howard standing there like a yutz. Instead I let him suck me into his game. Why did I do that?
:'''Kim''': You had your reasons. 
:'''Jimmy''': I did? Like what?
:'''Kim''': Because... you know. 
:'''Jimmy''': I know...?
:'''Kim''': ''[holds Jimmy's hand]'' You know what's coming next.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo has travelled to Germany using an alias, and meets Margarethe, Werner's widow, at a bar]''
:'''Margarethe''': I knew his work was dangerous. I never imagined such a thing, but... I suppose I try not to. 
:'''Lalo''': That is terrible. What kind of accident was it?
:'''Margarethe''': A cave-in.
:'''Lalo''': Cave-in?
:'''Margarethe''': He was able to save his men. He got them out, but then... the structure collapsed.
:'''Lalo''': So your husband was a hero.
:'''Margarethe''': ''[smiles]'' He would never accept that. My Werner was too humble.
:'''Lalo''': ...And what were they building there?
:'''Margarethe''': My husband didn't talk much about his work. It was very secretive. 
:'''Lalo''': Oh... I'm sure he must have told you something. 
:'''Margarethe''': The lawyers came to my house. I asked questions, they wouldn't say much.
:'''Lalo''': ''[shakes his head]'' Lawyers.
:'''Margarethe''': They went through Werner's things. Took anything that they called, uh... Oh, how do you say it? ''[pause]'' Proprietary? I'm sorry, my English is—
:'''Lalo''': Oh, it's excellent. 
:'''Margarethe''': I didn't care about it. All the boxes of folders, his papers. Why do I need all that stuff?
:'''Lalo''': And what about your husband's men? I mean, they must have said something to you.
:'''Margarethe''': Werner loved ''deine jungs''—his boys—but I never even met them. 
:'''Lalo''': What do you mean? Not even at the funeral?
:'''Margarethe''': You'd think they would want to pay respect to the man who saved their lives. They sent flowers, keepsakes, and so on... but not one of them showed his face. 
:'''Lalo''': Wow. That is... ''[sighs]'' It's just not right.

=== ''[[w:Axe and Grind | Axe and Grind]]'' [6.06] ===
:''[Casper, one of Werner's former workers, spots Lalo approaching his home while chopping wood]''
:'''Lalo''': ''Guten tag!''
:'''Casper''': ''Guten tag.'' ''[in German]'' This is private property. Who are you looking for? Are you lost?
:'''Lalo''': ''[in English]'' Yeah, sorry. I don't speak any German!
:'''Casper''': ''[in English]'' Are you lost?
:'''Lalo''': It's a beautiful place you have here. The air, it's just so... ''fresh!''
:'''Casper''': ...Do I know you?
:'''Lalo''': Well, I don't think we've ''officially'' met-
:''[Casper grabs his axe and runs inside a nearby wooden shed while Lalo draws his gun. Lalo searches when he's suddenly dropped by a blow from Casper]''
:'''Casper''': Who are you?! '''''Who are you?!'''''
:'''Lalo''': ''[strained]'' Ed-Eduardo... Salamanca! I'm not here for you... This is about Fring. Guh- I want to know... I want to know what he's building.
:'''Casper''': How did you find me?
:'''Lalo''': Ma- Marga... M-Margarethe Z-Ziegler.
:'''Casper''': What have you done to her?!
:'''Lalo''': Nothing, nothing. You sent her a gi- a gift. ''[pulls out a business card and shows it to Casper]''
:'''Casper''': ''Was ist das?''
:''[Lalo's hidden a razor blade behind the card. He springs up and cuts Casper's face, then grabs his axe and cuts his foot off]''
:'''Lalo''': ''[cheerfully] Carajo!'' I think you broke one of my ribs! ''[tosses Casper his belt]'' Here. Tie that off... before you bleed to death. ''You and I are gonna have a '''talk.'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Holy shit! The Jackson Mercer Foundation, that's like... the good housekeeping seal of approval.
:'''Kim''': Well, it's not a done deal. Some of the foundation board members are flying in next week to meet the lieutenant governor at a luncheon in Santa Fe, so... they are inviting a select group of people with... Cliff called them, &quot;up-and-coming organizations,&quot; and uh... Yeah. Cliff thinks I have a good shot. 
:'''Jimmy''': A good shot? You have more than a shot! They are gonna love you on sight!
:'''Kim''': The only thing is the lunch is on D-Day.
:'''Jimmy''': So, what? That's—You don't have to be there on the day! Was Eisenhower on Omaha Beach? No. Kim, this is great, right? It's ''huge!''
:'''Kim''': ...It is pretty great! ''[laughs]''
:'''Jimmy''': Kim, this is fantastic! ''[kisses Kim]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy has Francesca call HHM and pose as a relative of a Sandpiper resident to get details about the upcoming mediation]''
:'''Jimmy''': What is the hold up?
:'''Francesca''': I just... I don't know if I'm comfortable. Is this even legal?
:'''Jimmy''': I'm sorry, which one of us went to law school? Because I can stand here and go through the ins and outs of what's quote-unquote legal with you, but we're on the clock.
:'''Francesca''': I just don't—
:'''Jimmy''': Francesca, let's get something straight, okay? We can't be holding a graduate seminar in constitutional law every time I give you something to do.
:'''Francesca''': But I—I'm not sure if—
:'''Jimmy''': You know what I'm paying you? It is above market. To whom much is given, much is expected! ''[takes out cell phone and starts dialing a number]''
:'''Francesca''': We're not gonna make a habit of this?
:'''Jimmy''': Of course not! Absolutely not. No, no, no. ''[gives phone to Francesca]'' Put it on speaker and let me... ''[moves closer]''
:'''HHM Employee #1''': Hamlin Hamlin McGill.
:'''Francesca''': Hi... there. I'm calling because my—my mother is... is—Well, I guess she's a—a client of yours. She lives in, uh, Sandpiper Assisted Living.
:'''HHM Employee #1''': Sandpiper, of course. Let me transfer you.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[to Francesca while she's on hold]'' It's just a phone call. 
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Good afternoon. Do you have a question about the Sandpiper case?
:'''Francesca''': ''[waits for Jimmy to nod]'' Yes. My mother's out of the facility in Amarillo. Says she's supposed to call in to some meeting on Thursday?
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Yes, you're talking about the mediation?
:'''Francesca''': That's it. The thing is, she's lost her dial-in instructions. ''[sighs nervously]'' I'm just looking everywhere and can't find them.
:'''HHM Employee #2''': I'd be happy to help you with that. It's very important to us that all the class members are fully looked in. What's your mother's name?
:'''Francesca''': ''[Tells name mouthed by Jimmy]'' Uh, Marnie Stuber. ''[watches Jimmy form the letters as she spells aloud]'' That's–that's S-T-U-B-E-R. ''[sighs nervously again when Jimmy forces her to smile]'' Oh, bless your heart. She'll be so relieved!
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Okay, it's very simple. The meeting is happening at our offices. So she just has to call the main line—the same number you called just now—press 7, and then enter the passcode. I can give that to you now. Do you have a pen?
:'''Francesca''': Uh... ''[Jimmy quickly takes out a pen]'' Y–yeah, I'm ready.
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Okay. It's 8-4-2-1-5-9. ''[Jimmy writes the numbers on his hand]'' 
:'''Francesca''': 8-4-2-1-5-9?
:'''HHM Employee #2''': That's right.
:'''Francesca''': Okay! Uh, thank you so much. Really appreciate it.
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Of course, take care. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[hangs up immediately]'' Was that so hard?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy sees the real Rand Casimiro at a liquor store wearing a cast that was not shown in the fake photos he shot earlier. He bolts out of there and gets in his car before being seen by the judge.]''
:'''Jimmy''': FUCK! ''[bangs on steering wheel and chuckles nervously before dialing Kim on his cell phone]''
:''[Cut to Kim driving on the highway to Santa Fe.]'' 
:'''Kim''': &quot;Ultimately, it's about equal justice, a system that works for everyone. A justice system that works for everyone, and what is more important than that?&quot; ''[hears phone ringing and answers it]'' Hey, Jimmy.
:'''Jimmy''': Flag on the play! You're not gonna believe this, but I just ran into Casimiro—the real one.
:'''Kim''': Oh, God.
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, and before you ask, he didn't shave his mustache. ''He broke his arm.'' 
:'''Kim''': Are you serious?
:'''Jimmy''': The guy has a giant cast on his left arm! And I checked all the pictures and you can see his arm in every single one of them! No cast, clear as day! 
:'''Kim''': Shit! SHIT!
:'''Jimmy''': I KNOW! I '''KNOW!''' Uh... But, hey. Hey, hey, look at it this way: If I hadn't seen him... I mean, that would've really—that really could've sunk us. Right? So, we're gonna pull the plug and we are going to live to fight another day.
:'''Kim''': ...What other day? 
:'''Jimmy''': Well, we'll figure it out. I promise, okay? So, just go. Just do your thing in Santa Fe, and we'll regroup when you get home tonight. ''[beat; Kim says nothing]'' Kim? Kim, you still there? 
:'''Kim''': Yes.
:'''Jimmy''': Did you hear what I said?
:'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' It happens today. 
:''[Kim quickly turns around and starts driving back to Albuquerque.]''

=== ''[[w:Plan and Execution | Plan and Execution]]'' [6.07] ===
:''[An intern at HHM, Cary, drops soda cans when he sees Howard setting up the conference room for the Sandpiper mediation]''
:'''Cary''': Uh, excuse me, Mr. Hamlin! I-I was told I should restock the fridge before the meeting.
:'''Howard''': No worries. Here, let me give you a hand.
:'''Cary''': Thank you!
:'''Howard''': Uh, you're... Gary?
:'''Cary''': Cary! Anderson.
:'''Howard''': Mm... of course. Cary. ''[sees Cary stocking the fridge with the dropped cans]'' Cary, what happens when you drop or shake a can of soda?
:'''Cary''': ...Right. ''[mimes explosion]'' I'm sorry, I'm, uh...
:'''Howard''': Here, let me show you a little trick. ''[picks up and spins a soda can]'' Something about the centrifugal force pulls the bubbles from the inside of the can, stops it from exploding. Don't want our clients to get a surprise now, do we?
:'''Cary''': That works?
:''[Howard opens the can without incident and takes a sip]''
:'''Cary''': Alright!
:'''Howard''': You know who taught me that trick? ''[points at the picture of Chuck in the conference room]'' He used to do it. Had a habit - anytime he opened a can, almost unconsciously. I asked him about it once... just his way of being prepared for anything, accidental or otherwise. 
:'''Cary''': Um, I'm sorry, I'm... kinda new here. I- I have to ask, who is that?
:'''Howard''': Charles McGill. The &quot;M&quot; in HHM. Greatest legal mind I ever knew.
:'''Cary''': Wow! I hope someone says that about me someday.
:'''Howard''': Well... maybe there are more important things.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Howard, Cliff, and the rest of the parties in the Sandpiper mediation are in the HHM conference room; Rand Casimiro is seated at the head of the table; Jimmy and Kim listen in on the meeting through a disposable cell phone in Saul Goodman's office]''
:'''Rand Casimiro:''' Hello. I know we're all anxious to get things started but you'll have to suffer through my traditional spiel, unfortunately. My name is Rand Casimiro, and I am your mediator for these proceedings. Now, I'm happy to be here. But at the end, hopefully all of you in the room and those listening from various locations ''won't'' be happy with me. And why do I say that? Because the best solutions mean compromise. It's compromise from both sides. That's my goal. But as my wife always says, compromising doesn't mean I'm right and she's wrong. ''[chuckles]'' So, let us move forward—
:'''Howard:''' ''Hmph.''
:''[Everyone in the conference room turns to Howard]''
:'''Cliff:''' ...Howard?
:'''Howard:''' I-I'm... Wow. ''[pause]'' I'm... I'm sorry. I don't think we can proceed with these negotiations today.
:'''Rich:''' Why not?
:'''Howard:''' Well, let's just say, circumstances beyond any of our control.
:'''Rich:''' Well, I'm going to have to insist that you be more specific.
:'''Howard:''' Well, our mediator here keeps using the word &quot;compromise&quot; when ''he'', in fact, is compromised.
:'''Casimiro:''' I beg your pardon?
:'''Howard:''' I think you heard me.
:'''Cliff:''' Howard...?
:'''Howard:''' You drive a silver Miata, correct? 
:'''Casimiro:''' I do.
:'''Howard:''' And this morning, around 7 a.m., you walked across Trumbull Park in town?
:'''Casimiro:''' No. 
:'''Howard:''' You didn't stop at the park this morning?
:'''Casimiro:''' I didn't. I got to Albuquerque early, not at 7 a.m. And I didn't go to a park.
:'''Howard:''' You sure?
:'''Cliff:''' Howard, if the judge says he's sure, then I&amp;ndash;
:'''Casimiro:''' Of course I'm sure! If it matters, I arrived in town about ten, I stopped at a gas station, I went by a liquor store and bought a gift. I had a lunch salad and a very nice latté from the Flying Star on Menaul. I read ''[[w:Barron's_(newspaper)|Barron's]]''. Then came here.
:'''Howard:''' ''Mmmm''. So you weren't in town to visit our mutual acquaintance, James Morgan McGill? Or maybe you know him as &quot;Saul Goodman&quot;. 
:'''Casimiro:''' I don't know anyone by either of those names.
:'''Howard:''' Okay. You want to go that way? ''[to his secretary]'' Julie, go to my desk, please. There's an envelope with photos. Bring it to me quickly.
:'''Julie:''' Oh. Okay. ''[leaves]''
:'''Cliff:''' Howard, can we have a sidebar&amp;ndash;?
:'''Casimiro:''' I'm sorry. These photos &amp;ndash; these are photos of me? 
:'''Howard:''' They show exactly what I'm describing.
:'''Casimiro:''' You were following me?
:'''Howard:''' I had a private investigator following Jimmy McGill. You were photographed receiving what I estimate to be a $20,000 payoff this morning in the park.
:'''Rich:''' I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry. This is just&amp;ndash; ''[sighs; to Howard]'' You recommended this judge as a mediator and we agreed. And now... ''Jimmy?'' Jimmy McGill &amp;ndash; who originated this suit &amp;ndash; is ''what?'' 
:'''Howard:''' A-admittedly, it all sounds a bit baroque. But when you see the photos, things will be clearer.
:'''Casimiro:''' Well, I'm looking forward to that.
:''[long pause; Julie enters the room with the envelope]''
:'''Julie:''' I have the pictures, Mr. Hamlin. 
:'''Howard:''' Thank you, Julie. ''[opens the envelope]'' And now, take a look.
:''[Howard looks at the photos with Cliff, Schweikart, Casimiro, Irene and Julie looking behind him. Instead of an actor dressed as Casimiro as he had seen earlier, the photos show Jimmy sitting at a park bench exchanging a frisbee with the Sound Guy, dressed as a jogger]''
:'''Casimiro:''' ...Is that supposed to be ''me''?
:'''Howard:''' I, uh... This is... This is not... Julie, you got the wrong envelope.
:'''Julie:''' That was the only one on your desk.
:'''Howard:''' Look again!
:''[Julie leaves]''
:'''Howard:''' They-they've been switched. Somehow he switched them.
:'''Cliff:''' Howard...
:'''Howard:''' No. Jimmy &amp;ndash; he snuck in somehow, and these are not the pictures I saw.
:''[Howard turns to Erin, who notices that his pupils are now dilated]''
:'''Erin:''' Mr. Hamlin, are you all right? Your eyes...
:'''Howard:''' ''[agitated]'' I am fine! This is all something that will be sorted out, I am confident!
:''[Cliff rises and guides Howard out of his seat]''
:'''Cliff:''' I think a recess is in order.
:'''Howard:''' Nobody move! Evidence has been tampered with!
:'''Cliff:''' Now Howard, please!
:''[Howard and Cliff leave the conference room. Everyone left behind is stunned silent]''
:'''Irene:''' ...Is this how these usually go?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Cliff confronts Howard in his office after the fiasco in the conference room]''
:'''Howard:''' Cliff? Is that you? I'm not crazy, and I'm not on drugs. Please, come in. Now somehow, some way, that son of a bitch gave me something that dilated my pupils. I-I don't know what. But it's wearing off already, look. ''[gestures toward his eyes]'' 
:'''Cliff:''' You say that Jimmy McGill drugged you? How is that possible?
:'''Howard:''' The-the photos. They were wet with... ''something''.
:'''Cliff:''' The missing photos.
:'''Howard:''' Yeah. My P.I., Genidowski, had to have been in on it. He-he must have shown me one set of photos and then switched them after I left the office. 
:'''Cliff:''' Howard...
:'''Howard:''' Three weeks ago, Julie got a call from our detective agency. They wanted to update their contact info, so of course she changed the number in the system. But it turns out, it wasn't them. That was Jimmy. So when I needed an investigator to follow Jimmy, I called his fake number and his fake man. She just dialed the old number and, of course, got the actual agency. And, no surprise, no one by the name of Genidowski had ever worked there. I hired a con man. I got played. Every step of the way. I know what it sounds like, but you have to believe me.
:'''Cliff:''' I... It doesn't matter. Rich went back to the previous offer. I'll give a recommend to the class that we take it.
:'''Howard:''' No. No way. We do not let Jimmy win this.
:'''Cliff:''' Why would Jimmy even do this? He's a profit participant! This means less money for him!
:'''Howard:''' Because he's a child! He wants his money now! He begged me months ago to settle! You know what he does!
:'''Cliff:''' Whatever the truth is, we'll never get back to where we were before mediation. We have to settle.
:'''Howard:''' I'm lead attorney. And I won't sanction that decision.
:'''Cliff:''' Then I'm obligated to go to the partners and explain everything I've seen &amp;ndash; all of it. You think you're gonna be able to convince them it was all Jimmy McGill?
:'''Howard:''' ...Okay then. We go to trial. Cliff, this case is incredibly strong. I put this thing in front of a jury, then everything will&amp;ndash;
:'''Cliff:''' I'm not thinking about you, Howard. I'm not thinking about Jimmy. I'm thinking about the time, the expense, the uncertainty. I'm thinking about our clients!
:''[Howard bows his head in defeat.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo records a video message for Eladio while he's hiding in the sewers surveilling Gus' laundromat. The dialogue switches between Spanish and English.]''
:'''Lalo''': Don Eladio. Guess who?  It's Lalo, I'm alive! ''[chuckles]'' I'm here in beautiful downtown Albuquerque. ''[pans the camera around his belongings]'' Been here... four nights? Now, you may be asking, &quot;What am I doing down in this shithole?&quot; Well, [[w:Axe and Grind|a little Croatian bird told me a secret]]. Eh, he put up a hell of a fight, but he told me. Look. ''[points the camera at his target, Lavanderia Brilliante]'' See that? Right there... Fring's secret. Now, I've been watching and Fring hides his guards very well, but they're there, dressed like laundry workers. ''[zooms in on one &quot;worker&quot;]'' See? That's one there. They're hiding guns under the uniforms, but I see. I have a pretty good idea of what I'm up against. ''[points the camera back at himself]'' I can tell you what's in there. A big hole where a German engineer, Werner Ziegler, designed the perfect place to hide the... ''[in English]'' &quot;mother of all meth labs.&quot; ''[in Spanish]'' Well, that's my story. And Fring? Fring will have his story, a good one, and Bolsa will back him because he's an... ''[in English]'' &quot;earner.&quot; ''[in Spanish]'' So tonight, I go in... kill all the guards and show you the proof. And then? You decide... ''Adios.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Kim are watching a movie in Kim's apartment when they hear a knock at the door. It's revealed to be Howard, disheveled and holding a bottle of Macallan scotch whisky.]''
:'''Howard:''' Can I come in? 
:'''Jimmy:''' Yeah. Come on.
:'''Howard:''' Kim.
:'''Kim:''' Howard. You doing okay?
:'''Howard:''' I'm fine. Sorry to interrupt this, but I brought you a gift.
:'''Jimmy:''' A gift? What's the occasion?
:'''Howard:''' Your brother and I, we always had a meeting with Mr. Macallan after a big victory. Usually some brilliant summation by Chuck, that goes without saying. So this, this is for you. You earned it. You won.
:'''Jimmy:''' Won? Uh, what did I win?
:'''Howard:''' ''[pause]'' I get it. Of course you both have to play it this way. You're both so very good at it. 
:'''Kim:''' It's late, Howard. Do you want to tell us what this is about?
:'''Howard:''' I was wondering that too. ''[walks to the kitchen]'' What it's all about. I mean, what do you tell yourselves? What justification makes it okay? &quot;Howard's such an asshole that he deserves it?&quot; ''[offers two glasses to Jimmy and Kim]'' 
:'''Jimmy:''' We're good.
:'''Howard:''' So, what is it? I sided with Chuck too often? ''[points to Kim]'' I took away your office, put you in doc review? All of the above? Howard's daddy helped him get to the top, but you both had to struggle. &quot;Howie has so much and we have so little, let's take him down a peg or two.&quot; What allows you to do this to me? Because this isn't just a prank. No. This goes beyond [[w:Namaste (Better Call Saul)|throwing bowling balls on my car]]. This took planning, coordination. I mean, how many weeks? Or-or-or was it months? It couldn't have been easy. So tell me, why? Why go through this elaborate plot just to burn me to the ground?
:'''Jimmy:''' &quot;Burn you to the ground?&quot; Howard, come on. Y-you'll be fine. You always land on your feet.
:'''Howard:''' Yeah, sure. The Sandpiper settlement—HHM's share will be substantial, absolutely. Even though I humiliated myself. And my clients and peers will whisper that Howard Hamlin's a drug addict. You're right. I've worked my way through worse. Debt. Depression. My marriage falling apart.
:''[Jimmy blinks in surprise. He and Kim exchange looks]''
:'''Howard:''' Oh, yeah. Been sleeping in the guest house for the better part of a year. Just one more thing that good ol' Howard has to work through. But yes, I will land on my feet. I will be okay. But you? Far from it. You two... you two are soulless. Jimmy, you can't help yourself. Chuck knew it. You were ''born'' that way. ''[to Kim]'' But you—one of the smartest and most promising human beings I've ever known, and ''this'' is the life you choose. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Alright, you're too tight to drive, I'm calling a cab—
:'''Howard:''' Oh good, phony compassion. And you know what? Very, very believable. But I'm far from done.
:'''Kim:''' Oh no no no. You are done, Howard. Sorry, but you need to stop this now and you need to go home.
:'''Howard:''' You're perfect for each other. You have a piece missing. I-I-I thought you did it for the money, but it-it—Now it's so clear. Screw the money, you did it for fun! You get off on it! You're like [[w:Leopold and Loeb|Leopold and Loeb]], two sociopaths—
:'''Jimmy:''' Alright, that's enough.
:'''Howard:''' Oh, you know it's true, you just don't have the guts to admit it.
:'''Kim:''' Great. Now you need to go.
:'''Howard:''' I'm gonna make it clear to everyone, because I'm going to dedicate my life to making sure that everybody knows the truth. Believe it. You can't hide who you really are forever.
:''[Jimmy reflexively shields Kim as Lalo Salamanca enters the room; Jimmy is stunned]''
:'''Jimmy:''' How...
:''[Howard turns around and see Lalo, who non-chalantly stands next to him]''
:'''Kim:''' H-Howard... Howard. Howard, you need to leave.
:'''Howard:''' ''[to Lalo]'' Who are you?
:'''Lalo:''' Me? Nobody. I just need to talk to my lawyers.
:'''Howard:''' ''[scoffs]'' Oh, is that right? You want some advice? Find better lawyers.
:'''Kim:''' Howard, please j-just... just... just turn around—
:'''Lalo:''' No, no, no, no, no. Take your time.
:'''Howard:''' ''[to Kim]'' What's this about? 
:''[Lalo calmly takes a pistol out of his pocket and screws a silencer onto the muzzle]''
:'''Kim:''' ''[to Lalo]'' Please... please, just tell us what you want.
:'''Lalo:''' ''[shrugs]'' Like I said. To talk.
:'''Howard:''' I, uh... I think I'm in the middle of something, uh... There's really no need to—
:''[Lalo puts the gun to Howard's head and pulls the trigger; Howard falls onto the floor, killed instantly. Jimmy and Kim scream.]''
:'''Kim:''' ''Oh my God!''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Please, no!''
:'''Kim:''' ''Oh my God!''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''No! No!''
:'''Lalo:''' ''[holds out his hand to quiet them down]'' ''Shhhh, shhhh, shhhh, shhhh, shhhh.'' Okay. Let's talk.

=== ''[[w:Point and Shoot (Better Call Saul) | Point and Shoot]]'' [6.08] ===
:''[Jimmy and Kim are cowering in terror when Lalo forces them to sit on their couch]''
:'''Jimmy''': I never turned on you. I didn't. I only worked for you in the desert. I was on your side the whole time.
:'''Lalo''': Shhh. ''[motions for Jimmy to sit down with his gun]'' I don't care. You two... ''[chuckles; shakes his head]'' God, you two and your mouths! ''Dios mío!'' Now, ''you listen.'' ''[tosses car keys to Jimmy]'' My car's downstairs. Press the clicker, and you'll find it. This... ''[holds up small piece of paper]'' is where you are going. Don't speed, don't weave, don't cut anyone off. Just, you know, drive nice. From here, ''[checks watch]'' at this hour... I'd take 40 east, get off at Carlisle, take the third left. The rest I drew a little map for you on the back. It's not hard. So... big white brick house with a solid black door. You can't miss it. It's right at the end of the T. Park a little down the street and not up front. It's a quiet neighborhood, so you'll have plenty of options. Stating the obvious here maybe, but... turn the car off, right? So, in the glove compartment, I left you a present. There's a camera and there's a gun. And you're gonna need both.
:'''Jimmy''': A gun?
:'''Lalo''': Yeah, yeah, yeah. But don't worry. I mean, it's–it's easy. It's a revolver. It's already loaded, no safety—it's idiot proof. So, you go up to that house, you walk right up to that black door. Don't run. Just be casual like a stroll, you know? Keep the gun somewhere behind you where they can't see it. You ring the bell, you count to three, you step back. They look through the peephole, you're as innocent as can be. Door opens, you point... and you shoot. And you keep on pulling that trigger until it's empty. ''[pause]'' Simple. 
:'''Jimmy''': You–you want me to—?!
:'''Lalo''': I know, I know. ''[casually nudges Howard's dead body with his foot]'' You're a lawyer, and you're not a killer. But look, you can do this, okay? This guy, he's a housecat! Black, medium height, short hair, glasses! He kinda looks like a librarian... but don't be fooled. Even a housecat can scratch. So, that's it. Hard part's over. Now, you pull out the camera. Same principle as the gun: Point and shoot. Take a picture. One where I can see the face ''clearly''... and then you bring it back here where, me and Mrs. Goodman will be waiting for you. And then you're done! I'd say it's about a twenty minute drive over there... ''[Jimmy looks nervously at Kim]'' twenty minutes back. Maybe ten minutes to do the job. Let's go with an hour altogether. So, you're back here in an hour, or—
:''[Jimmy forcibly turns on the Saul Goodman charm]''
:'''Jimmy''': Send her.
:'''Kim''': ...What?! 
:'''Jimmy''': She should do it.
:'''Kim''': Jimmy...
:'''Lalo''': ''[pause]'' Why her? 
:'''Kim''': ''[whispers to Jimmy]'' Don't do this.
:'''Jimmy''': This guy, the–the housecat.
:'''Kim''': Jimmy, please.
:'''Jimmy''': He looks through his peephole... 
:'''Kim''': ''Please.''
:'''Jimmy''': ...in the middle of the night, and he sees me? &quot;Who's this asshole? What's he doing?&quot; Maybe–maybe he gets ''his'' gun, maybe he calls the cops. Either way, that door stays shut. But he sees a woman...
:'''Kim''': No.
:'''Jimmy''': ...she looks like she's in distress. Maybe her car broke down. ''[chuckles]'' I mean, you'd open the door for her, wouldn't you?
:'''Kim''': Stop! Stop!
:'''Lalo''': Yeah, but... she's really clever. I don't know if she's gonna stick to the plan.
:'''Jimmy''': She will.
:'''Kim''': No, no, no.
:'''Jimmy''': No cops. You know she will.
:'''Kim''': No. No, this... This doesn't even make any sense! I–I–I've never shot a gun before! I've never even held one!  
:'''Jimmy''': Like I have.
:'''Kim''': Jimmy, what are you doing?! 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[to Lalo while pointing at Kim]'' You know she's the best choice.
:'''Kim''': No, I'm not! I don't—I can't! I can't do it! 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[to Lalo]'' She can do it. You know she can do it!
:'''Kim''': No! Jimmy, I'll stay! Stop! Just stop! 
:'''Jimmy''': You know I'm right! Listen! 
:'''Kim''': Stop it! Shut up! 
:'''Jimmy''': Listen! 
:'''Kim''': SHUT UP!
:'''Lalo''': ''[rolls his eyes]'' Oh, my God! Okay, fine! Yeah, heard! Whatever. Give her the keys, give her the address, let's go. ''[walks toward the front door]'' 
:'''Kim''': ''[to Jimmy]'' No. Don't... Don't.
:'''Jimmy''': You... you gotta go.
:'''Kim''': ''[softly]'' Don't do this.
:'''Jimmy''': Come on. Hey... ''[whispering]'' Let's go.
:''[Kim reluctantly gets up and is about to leave the apartment when Lalo stops her]''
:'''Lalo''': Hold on. ''[pause; Kim looks at him]'' You're gonna need your shoes, right? 
:''[Kim stares at Jimmy while she puts her shoes on]'' 
:'''Lalo''': There you go! Okay, ''[looks at watch]'' so one hour starting... now. Clock's ticking, Mrs. Goodman.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo ties Jimmy to a chair while interrogating him about the assassination attempt at his hacienda]'' 
:'''Lalo''': You know, after I saw you last, I went home. My home. ''Mi cielito lindo''... And you know what happened? Men came. Armed men, in the middle of the night. To my home. Trying to get to me. And you know what they did? They killed people I care about. They killed my cook. My gardener. A seventeen-year-old kid I knew since he was knee-high, never hurt a fly. Butchered my housekeeper, Yolanda. ''Una viejita, cabrón.'' They shot her in the back. 
:'''Jimmy''': ...I'm sorry.
:'''Lalo''': Now, how did these men... get into my home? Do you know? 
:'''Jimmy''': I... I have–I have no idea.
:'''Lalo''': Ignacio Varga. ''He'' let them in. And who did Ignacio introduce me to? ''[taps Jimmy's head]'' You.
:'''Jimmy''': Ignacio... Nacho? ''[brief pause]'' Whoa, whoa, whoa! I–I barely know Ignacio! Whatever he did, he did alone! Not with me! Listen, you gotta believe me! Hand to God, I had no part in this—it wasn't me! ''It was '''Igna—''''' 
:''[Lalo sneaks up from behind and gags Jimmy with a rolled-up shirt]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[through the gag]'' Ignacio! It's not me! Listen, listen! I–I don't know about...
:'''Lalo''': Save it. ''[looks Jimmy in the eyes]'' I'm gonna come back. And then you... are gonna tell me ''the whole story.''
:''[Lalo presses play on the movie Jimmy and Kim were watching earlier and turns up the volume. He picks up Jimmy's car keys by the front door.]''
:'''Lalo''': Ford Taurus... taupe? ''[rolls eyes and shakes his head before leaving the apartment]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mike disarms Kim and forces her inside Gus' house before she can shoot. Gus watches Mike question her through surveillance monitors at his neighbors' residence.]''
:'''Kim''': What are you doing?! I–I have to go! I have to—No, wait! 
:'''Mike''': Ms. Wexler, I'd like you to sit down.
:'''Kim''': He'll–He'll kill him! You have to... You—
:'''Mike''': Now, sit there and be calm!
:'''Kim''': No, I have to get back! ''I have to get back!''
:'''Mike''': ''[restrains Kim and forces her back down]'' Sit ''still''... and stay calm. Now, if you take a deep breath—a ''deep'' breath—nothing's gonna happen here until you calm yourself. Alright? Now, who is killing who?
:'''Kim''': Lalo Salamanca! Lalo is going to kill Jimmy! ''[Mike looks shocked]'' He's there! He–he is there with Jimmy now!
:'''Mike''': Salamanca is at your apartment?!
:'''Kim''': Yes! He sent ''me!'' He–he wanted to send Jimmy, but then he sent me.
:'''Mike''': To do what exactly?! ''[pause; Kim hyperventilates]'' Ms. Wexler, you stay with me! What were you supposed to do here?
:'''Kim''': ''[beat; points at a man who looks identical to Gus]'' Shoot him. I'm–I'm supposed to shoot him, and then take a photo, and then get back. That's it. I only have twenty minutes left! Please! ''[Mike quickly looks and nods at one of his guys]'' He is ''alone'' with him!
:'''Mike''': Alright, stay put. We'll handle this. We ''will'' handle this. ''[to Victor]'' You call Tyrus. Get him to the condo ''now.''
:'''Kim''': You said you were watching us! WHERE WERE YOU?! HUH?! ''[Mike leaves]'' '''WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!''' 
:''[Kim tries to get up, but Victor stands in her way and forces her to sit down again]'' 
:'''Victor''': You heard what the man said.
:''[Mike walks through the corridor connecting the two homes and reports to Gus.]''
:'''Mike''': You heard all that? ''[Gus nods]'' Alright. You hunker down here. ''[to two bodyguards]'' You two, you stay with him. A dog barks too loud, you are on the phone with me. ''[to Arthur and Tyrus]'' You two, come with me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After growing restless over Lalo's whereabouts, Gus calls Victor and asks him to speak to Kim about Lalo]''
:'''Gus''': Why did Lalo send you?
:'''Kim''': Who is this? 
:'''Victor''': Answer him. ''[points behind him]''
:'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' He didn't want to send me. Not at first. He wanted to send my husband... but my husband talked him out of it because he wanted to get me out of there.
:'''Gus''': He... talked Lalo out of it?
:'''Kim''': That's right. ''[pause]'' Now that I've told you everything I know, please tell me. Tell me who—
:''[Gus hangs up the phone and looks at his bodyguards]'' 
:'''Gus''': Come with me. Both of you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo records another video message for Don Eladio while holding Gus at gunpoint at the laundromat. The dialogue is in Spanish.]''
:'''Lalo:''' Don Eladio, look who we have here. The one and only Gustavo Fring. ''[chuckles]'' And wearing body armor! Too bad they don't make armor for your head, eh? Now we're gonna take a little walk and show you around. ''Vamanos''. ''[clicks tongue]'' Don, I would've liked it if we didn't have to rush this so much. We could sit by your pool... strip this snake's skin off, inch by inch. Take our time, have some fun. But he shows up now... who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth? 
:''[Gus stops in front of a large washing machine.]''
:'''Lalo:''' A big machine hides a big secret. We have about... thirteen minutes until his bald ''gringo'' gets here with the cavalry, so Gustavo is going to have to give us the nickel tour. ''[beat; shoots Gus in the chest]'' Like I was saying, Gustavo is going to show us around. 
:''[Gus walks around and pushes a button, which opens the secret passage to the underground meth lab]'' 
:'''Lalo:''' ''Ha!'' Magnificent! I had a bathtub that did this, but... credit where credit is due, this is better. ''[laughs]'' ''Hijo de puta''. 
:''[Gus leads Lalo down a ladder and turns on the lights]''
:'''Lalo:''' ''[chuckles; in English]'' Okay. Drumroll, please. ''D-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r''... Ta-da! ''[laughs]'' ''Cadenza de wow'', no? ''[in Spanish]'' Don Eladio, I've heard some stories about this place. It took a bunch of German engineers ten months to build all of this. They used two hundred pounds of high explosive. Dug out 120,000 cubic meters of dirt and rock. And all... without disturbing the laundry up there. In the middle of a city with a million people! That's pretty badass, right? 
:''[Gus trips and falls to the ground when Lalo pushes his pistol against his back]''
:'''Lalo''': One moment, Don. ''[puts the camcorder between his teeth as he switches the magazines of his pistol]'' Think of the laboratory you could put here, Don Eladio. ''Eh?'' How much meth you could make... that was his plan. Cut you out to become boss. And now here we are, in this big hole! ''[cackles]'' Gustavo thought he was building an empire, but all he built himself was a tomb. 
:'''Gus:''' You can't kill me.
:'''Lalo:''' Why not?
:'''Gus:''' I haven't told that fat pig Eladio what I think of him yet. 
:'''Lalo:''' ''Hoo-hoo!'' Perfect! You've got one minute. 
:'''Gus:''' Eladio... you greasy, bloated pimp. You talk of honor. But you have none. A pack of stray dogs fighting for scraps has more honor. Jackals. That's all you are! No vision. No patience. No thought. Stupid and impulsive! That is how I did all this. You couldn't see it, couldn't even conceive of it. And you Salamancas... you're the worst vermin of all. You say you believe in &quot;blood for blood&quot; but you only understand blood for money! You're whores! ''[in English]'' I understand blood for blood. Hector? Yeah, I kept him alive. Kept him broken. I will save him to the last. Before he dies, he will know... '''''I''' buried every one of you.'' 
:'''Lalo:''' ''[sniggers]'' Big talk. You done?
:'''Gus:''' No. Not yet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy:''' Lalo said he was coming back.
:'''Mike:''' He's not coming.
:'''Jimmy:''' No, he said he was, he told me—
:'''Mike:''' You understand me? He is ''not coming back.'' Let's sit. ''[pause; Jimmy and Kim remain standing]'' '''''SIT.'''''
:''[Jimmy and Kim sit at the foot of their bed; Mike stands in front of them.]''
:'''Mike:''' Alright. Here's what's gonna happen: In a few days, Howard Hamlin's car will be found several states away by the water. The odometer will have rolled to the exact number of miles it took to get there. There will be cocaine in the upholstery. That was the story you were setting up for this guy, yeah? They'll call it a suicide, hoping the body will come washing up. It never will. At some point, you're gonna hear about it. Someone calls you, someone at the courthouse mentions it—the moment that happens—you call the cops. His car was here for hours last night. Good chance somebody noticed it. That means you are the last people to see him alive. Cops are gonna want to hear from you. You tell the cops you saw him—he came here, seemed like maybe he was chemically altered, didn't make a lick of sense. Then he left, that's all you know. You keep telling the lie you've been telling. Now, Ms. Wexler tells me she has court at ten. What's on your docket? ''[Jimmy doesn't answer]'' Hey. ''Listen.'' Where do you need to be?
:'''Jimmy:''' Uh, office. At my office. Clients start showing up around 9:30. ''Oh'', my car is gone.
:'''Mike:''' No. It's on the way home, you'll have it when you need it. So you two are going to go about your day—normal, same as ever. Today, you're Meryl Streep and Laurence Olivier. No staring into space, nothing out of the ordinary, you ''cover.'' Anybody talks to you, it's just another day that ends in Y, that's all. When you get home, we'll be gone and everything will be back the way it was. Now, I need to impress upon you: none of this ever happened. None of it. Understand? Say it out loud, I need to hear it.
:'''Jimmy:''' ...I understand.
:'''Kim:''' ...It never happened.

=== ''[[w:Fun and Games (Better Call Saul) | Fun and Games]]'' [6.09] ===
:'''Jimmy''': One day, we'll... We'll wake up, and brush our teeth, and we'll go to work. And at some point, we'll suddenly realize... [[w:Bad Choice Road | that we hadn't thought about it at all. None of it]]. ''[pause]'' And that's when we'll know. We'll know we can forget.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gus meets with Don Eladio, Juan Bolsa, and the Salamancas late at night. The dialogue is in Spanish.]''
:'''Eladio''': Don Hector has made a very serious accusation. 
:''[One of the Cousins hands a letter to Don Juan]'' 
:'''Bolsa''': These are Don Hector's words. Dictated to Leonel and Marco, letter by letter. &quot;The assault on my nephew's hacienda failed. Lalo fought the assassins and won. The day after the attack, Lalo called me. I heard the truth from his own lips. It was Fring who sent the mercenaries, not the Peruvians. We kept Lalo's survival a secret. My nephew was about to take his revenge on the traitor, face-to-face. Instead, he disappeared. It is the Chicken Man's doing. Don Eladio, look into Fring's eyes. There you will see the truth. The Chicken Man hates you. He is our enemy. He plots against us. I demand blood for blood.&quot;
:''[Bolsa folds the letter and sits back down]''
:'''Eladio''': Well, Gustavo?
:'''Gus''': ''[pause]'' I have no response.
:'''Bolsa''': Gustavo, you must speak. Have you no defense?
:'''Gus''': With all due respect, I don't believe this merits a response.
:'''Eladio''': Did you witness these phone calls from Lalo? ''[Leonel and Marco shake their heads]'' I was told you saw Lalo's body.
:'''Leonel''': Yes.
:'''Marco''': It was burned.
:'''Eladio''': Didn't the ''federales'' check the teeth?
:'''Bolsa''': Yes, Don Eladio. My brother tells me the dental records matched. 
:'''Eladio''': And that rat, Varga... What did he say before he died?
:'''Bolsa''': He said he was in the pay of the Peruvians, Los Odios. We know he took their money, we found bank statements.
:'''Eladio''': ''[beat; looks at his watch]'' Well... It's late. Don Hector... Since you've come a long way, tonight you sleep in my bed. ''[Hector angrily rings his bell repeatedly in protest]'' No, I insist. No arguing. I'm giving you my room. Very comfortable. And who knows? Maybe a couple of the girls will come to visit! ''[pause; Hector continues ringing his bell]'' Please. ''[Leonel and Marco carry Hector by his wheelchair and leave]'' Good night, Hector. Sleep well. ''[to Gus]'' I'd invite you to stay as well, Gustavo, but... I don't want my breakfast ruined by all the... ''[mocks Hector ringing his bell and laughs]'' Ay-yay-yay. ''[beat]'' The peace must be kept. What do you suggest?
:'''Gus''': I wouldn't presume.
:'''Eladio''': The South Valley will stay Salamanca territory. And the rest of the North, that'll be for you to manage. Working under Bolsa.
:'''Bolsa''': Thank you, Don Eladio.
:'''Gus''': ''[rises with Eladio out of his chair]'' Thank you. Your trust means everything, Don Eladio.
:'''Eladio''': ''Bueno.'' Gustavo... ''[long pause]'' When I looked into your eyes... Hate. A little bit's okay. As long as you never forget who's boss. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mike meets with Nacho's father outside his shop to let him know about Nacho's fate]''
:'''Manuel''': Who are you?
:'''Mike''': It's not important.
:'''Manuel''': I saw you here before. [[w:Cobbler (Better Call Saul)|Chrysler Fifth Avenue]]. What about my son?
:'''Mike''': I'm sorry, he won't be found. ''[pause]'' It was over fast. No pain.
:'''Manuel''': You were there?
:'''Mike''': I was there. Your son made some mistakes, he fell in with bad people... but he was never like them. Not really. He had a good heart. One more thing: you won't have to worry about the Salamancas. Their day is coming. There'll be justice.
:'''Manuel''': Justice?
:'''Mike''': I'm sorry, my Spanish - j-''justicia.'' Justice.
:'''Manuel''': ''[sighs]'' What you talk about... is not justice. What you talk of is... ''revenge.'' It never ends... my boy is gone. ''[scoffs, speaks in Spanish]'' You gangsters and your &quot;justice.&quot; You're all the same.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Kim approach Cliff and Howard's widow, Cheryl, at a memorial reception in the offices of HHM.]''
:'''Kim:''' Cliff.
:'''Cliff:''' Kim, Jimmy.
:'''Cheryl:''' Kim, hi.
:''[Jimmy extends his hand to Cheryl; she doesn't take it]''
:'''Jimmy:''' Hi, Cheryl. I'm Jimmy McGill. You may not remember me. I'm Chuck McGill's brother.
:'''Cheryl:''' Of course.
:'''Jimmy:''' Very sorry for your loss. ''[sighs]''
:'''Kim:''' Cheryl, I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine what you must be going through. If Jimmy and I can do anything for you or your family, please just say the word.
:''[Jimmy and Kim are about to walk away]''
:'''Cheryl:''' There is something, actually. You two were the last ones to see him, weren't you?
:'''Kim:''' Um...
:'''Jimmy:''' I guess so. Uh, that's what the police said.
:'''Cheryl:''' Howard told me that you were harassing him, playing elaborate pranks of some sort. That you wouldn't leave him alone.
:'''Jimmy:''' I know he thought that. He—he—he told me as well. Um, I think he honestly believed it.
:'''Cheryl:''' But you're denying it.
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[pauses]'' You know what, I didn't leave here under the best terms. The past few years, I could have been more considerate to Howard instead of yitzing him every chance I got. I guess, uh, there was a certain amount of jealousy on my part because Howard had the, uh, respect of my brother. Which I never did. ''[Jimmy steps away]''
:'''Cheryl:''' Tell me what you told the police. 
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[pauses]'' Okay, um... Well, I mean, it was 11pm. Howard started pounding on our door. He was very upset, going on about something, um, he thought was my fault, uh... Guess it had to do with the Sandpiper case. But I—I couldn't make head or tail out of it. We tried to calm him down. But... he just—he just wouldn't, um... Finally, he left. That's—that's it.
:'''Cheryl:''' I'm not oblivious. I know people are saying he was on drugs. Is that what you're trying to tell me?
:'''Jimmy:''' I just... He just didn't seem like himself.
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[to Cliff]'' Are you hearing all of this? Because none of it makes sense to me. 
:'''Cliff:''' Cheryl, maybe we should just—
:'''Cheryl:''' I don't care what people are saying. I don't care what the police think. Howard was not on drugs. That simply is not true. There's something more to this. 
:'''Kim:''' I don't know if it's my place, but... I—I...
:'''Cheryl:''' Please. Just spit it out. ''[sharply inhales]''
:'''Kim:''' ''[sighs]'' It was about a year-and-a-half ago. I was still an associate here, working late on a brief. And I saw a light on in Howard's office. I assumed the cleaning crew left it on by mistake. And I was sure that office was empty, so I didn't knock.
:'''Cheryl:''' ...And?
:'''Kim:''' And Howard was there at his desk, head down. And he was snorting something. 
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[scoffs]''
:'''Kim:''' I looked at him. He looked at me. I didn't know what to do, so I just walked out. And the next morning, when we saw each other, neither of us ever said anything about it. I never told anyone. But now I wish I had. 
:''[Long pause]''
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[to Cliff]'' In all the years that you worked with him, have you witnessed anything like this? Even a hint? Cliff...
:'''Cliff:''' I... Cheryl, this really isn't the time or the place.
:''[Cheryl begins to cry]''
:'''Kim:''' Cheryl. You were his wife. You saw him every day. You knew him better than anyone. Maybe I misunderstood what I saw. You would have known. 
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[voice breaking]'' Please excuse me.
:''[Cheryl retreats into a women's restroom]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kim and her client are sitting in a courtroom as the presiding judge, Gabriel Dearden, takes the bench]''
:'''Bailiff:''' All rise. Court is now in session, the Honorable Judge Dearden presiding.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Good afternoon. We are here to discuss a motion to exclude evidence in ''State of New Mexico vs. Yarborough''. 
:'''Kim:''' ''[rises]'' Your honor, if I may. I submitted an additional motion. I'm assuming you have not seen it yet.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Did we get that?
:'''Secretary:''' It just came in, judge.
:''[The secretary approaches the bench and hands the motion to Judge Dearden]''
:'''Kim:''' I apologize, it was a last-minute addition. 
:'''Judge Dearden:''' &quot;Last minute&quot; is right. ''[looking through the motion]'' 
:''[Pause]''
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ...Do I understand this correctly? You're requesting to withdraw from this case?
:'''Kim:''' Yes, your honor. My client is fully informed. And I've already been in touch with another attorney, Paige Novick. She's highly qualified and familiar with the case. She's prepared to step if you'll allow it.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Ms. Wexler, Mr. Orenstein, approach the bench.
:''[Kim and the prosecutor do so]''
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[to Kim]'' Ms. Wexler, we are here today at your insistence to consider your motion to exclude evidence. And this is the moment you choose to withdraw?
:'''Kim:''' It was unavoidable.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' May I ask why?
:'''Kim:''' Personal reasons, your honor.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' &quot;Personal reasons.&quot; Are we talking about a health issue, something to do with a loved one?
:'''Kim:''' No.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Would you rather discuss privately in chambers?
:'''Kim:''' Thank you for the consideration, but no.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Would you care to supply any detail at all?
:'''Kim:''' Your honor, I prefer not to.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[pause; to Orenstein]'' ...Mr. Orenstein, is the state prepared to discuss Ms. Wexler's motion?
:'''Orenstein:''' We are, your honor. Absolutely.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' You know what, Ms. Wexler? Mr. Orenstein's here. I'm here. We all showed up for your party, and now you're taking away the punch bowl. I'm inclined to have you argue your motion, then I'll consider later writing petitions. 
:'''Kim:''' I'm sorry for wasting the court's time, your honor, but it's impossible for me to continue with this hearing.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' And why is that, Ms. Wexler?
:'''Kim:''' Because I'm no longer an attorney. 
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[brief pause]'' ...I'm sorry, what?
:'''Kim:''' I gave notice to the bar two hours ago.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy arrives home after hearing the news that Kim has quit her legal career]''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''You did what?!'' Why?! ''WHY?!'' Alright, alright, I know why. But Kim, you can't just—
:'''Kim:''' Jimmy, I—
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Shhh!'' Just let me say my piece, okay? Just—Let's take a breath here! Kim, after everything that happened... I mean, Jesus! I get it! You want to climb out of your own skin! That's natural! But Kim, you don't just throw everything away! Th-th-this is your life! You're a lawyer! What about your clients, huh? What about, uh... that poor guy, Mr. Yarborough? What about the kid in foster care? Huh?! You give them everything you got! Who are they going to find who is half as good as you?! No one! They need you!
:'''Kim:''' It's already done.
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Ugh!'' ''[pause]'' Okay, what's done can be undone. All I'm saying is just—just let's take a week or two to think it over. For now, we're gonna take some time off. God knows we need it. We're gonna to find a new place, we're—we're gonna leave here. We're never, ever gonna come back here again. Okay? We're gonna—we're gonna put it behind us! Things will look brighter! I guarantee it! But first we have to fix this. So we're gonna go back to the hotel room, and you're gonna write letters. You're gonna write a letter to the bar, you're gonna write letters to your clients. You—you—you dictate, I will type. We're gonna roll this thing back. I'll order a pizza, we'll pull an all-nighter. Because we're in this together. Okay? So I'm gonna go get your—your printer, and then we're gonna get the hell out of here.
:''[Jimmy turns to head into the bedroom]''
:'''Kim:''' Wait— Jimmy. Jimmy!
:''[Jimmy enters the bedroom to discover half-full boxes and luggage everywhere]''
:'''Kim:''' You asked if you were bad for me. That's not it. We are bad for each other. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Kim. Don't do this. Kim, please.
:'''Kim:''' Jimmy... ''[holding back tears]'' ...I have had the time of my life with you. But we are bad for everyone around us. Other people suffer because of us. Apart we're okay, but together we're poison. 
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[shakes his head]'' No, no. Just tell me what I need to do to change, okay? Just tell me what it is, and I'll do it. 
:'''Kim:''' Jimmy...
:'''Jimmy:''' No, Kim. You make me happy. We make each other happy. How can that be bad? Hey... I love you.
:'''Kim:''' I love you, too. ''[voice breaking]'' But so what? 
:'''Jimmy:''' No. No. No, Kim, you're wrong! ''This is about '''Howard!''''' Okay?! What happened to him wasn't on us! It wasn't your fault! It wasn't ''my'' fault! It was that ''fucking Lalo Salamanca!'' That psychopath came back from the dead and he walked through that door! He did this! Not us, ''him!'' 
:'''Kim:''' I knew.
:'''Jimmy:''' You knew wh-what?
:'''Kim:''' I knew he was alive.
:'''Jimmy:''' No, you didn't.
:'''Kim:''' It was about a month ago. I saw that car following me again. And it turned out that Mike Ehrmantraut had guys watching both of us, watching for Lalo. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Mike... Mike told you that Lalo was alive? ''[Kim nods]'' And you didn't tell me?
:'''Kim:''' ''[pause]'' Jimmy... I thought... I thought it was a one-in-a-million chance that he'd come for us. I thought he would be caught if he did. And I told myself I was protecting you. But that's not the truth. The reason I didn't tell you was because I knew what you'd do.
:'''Jimmy:''' Wh-what would I do?
:'''Kim:''' You'd—you'd blame yourself. You'd fear for me. You'd want us to run and hide until you were sure I was safe. You would pull the plug on the scam, and then... ''[pause]'' ...and then, we'd break up. And I didn't want that. Because I was having too much ''fun''.
:''[Kim breaks down crying and returns to the bedroom to pack; Jimmy stands in the living room in silence]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Saul Goodman:''' Alright. [[w:Chicanery (Better Call Saul) | Let justice be done, though the heavens fall]].

=== ''[[w:Nippy (Better Call Saul) | Nippy]]'' [6.10] ===
:''[Saul, now going by Gene Takavic, is confronted by Jeff after he unexpectedly shows up at his home]''
:'''Jeff''': Dude, what the fuck?!
:'''Saul''': I know, it's awkward, right? But you don't have to call me Dad. Yet.
:'''Jeff''': I don't know what this is about, but all I have to do is pick up the phone and it's &quot;Bye-bye, Saul Goodman.&quot;
:'''Saul''': Yeah, but you haven't picked up the phone yet, have ya? Or tried to strong-arm me for cash. And guess what? I know why. Because reward money—blackmail—that's not gonna tickle your pickle. I know what you really want. 
:'''Jeff''': Oh, yeah? What's that?
:'''Saul''': You want in the game.
:'''Jeff''': The game? What—what game?
:'''Saul''': The ''game.'' The one you've been watching your entire life. You got your nose pressed up against the glass, peering in while the big boys play.
:'''Jeff''': Speak English, man. What the hell are you talking about?
:'''Saul''': ''The game.'' It's right there. You can see it, but you can't touch it yet. ''[pause]'' Cars, clothes. The cash, the ladies. It's about knowing all the angles, you know? Putting it all on the line and winning ''big.'' But here you are, Jeffy. Standing outside with the suckers, trying to pay off that cab, sweating the bills. You're getting older. It's—it's so close, but dammit you just can't get in! Until now. I can make it happen.
:'''Jeff''': ''[beat]'' You?
:'''Saul''': Saul Goodman. ''[pause]'' So, here's the deal. I will show you the game, and then we're done. 
:''[Jeff stares at Saul for another moment before smiling]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jeff runs around a maze in the outline of a mall. Saul, on a loudspeaker, shouts directions to him.]''
:'''Saul''': Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! One, Armani suits and run! Two, Air Jordan shoes for you! Three, linen shirts for free! Four, cashmere sweaters out the door! Five, Patagonias to survive! Six, swanky sweatsuits in the mix! HALT!
:''[Jeff stops, breathing heavily.]''
:'''Jeff''': What?!
:'''Saul''': That's too many, you gotta be precise! Just three of each.
:'''Jeff''': Why? And why do I gotta run around like an asshole?
:'''Saul''': I already told you! Three minutes, got it? That's our window!
:'''Jeff''': Yeah, but why three minutes?
:'''Saul''': Because at three minutes, that's when security sees you on the cameras and the cops haul your ass to jail, alright? So let's go.
:':'''Jeff''': Wait, there's cameras?
:'''Saul''': Sure there's cameras! They erase the tapes every seventy-two hours, so that's why you only take three of each, and only the pricey stuff. When the store opens the next morning, they won't even know they were robbed. By the time they do inventory, abra cadabra, no more Jeffy on the tape! Right, so, three items, three minutes... It's easy. Let's go.
:''[Jeff walks back to the start of the maze.]''
:'''Saul''': How many of each?
:'''Jeff''': Three...
:'''Saul''': Pigs get fat, hogs get slaughtered!
:'''Jeff''': I don't know...
:'''Saul''': What don't you know?
:'''Jeff''': Just, this whole thing, it seems crazy!
:'''Saul''': Is this too hot for you?! Ju— You know what, just say so! You know what? Screw it. &quot;Crazy?&quot; I'll tell you what's crazy! [[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad) | Fifty-year-old high school chemistry teacher]] [[w:Breaking Bad | comes into my office. The guy is so broke, he can't pay his own mortgage. One year later, he's got a pile of cash as big as a Volkswagen.]] ''That's'' crazy.
:'''Buddy''': I'll do it.
:'''Jeff''': This sounds good to you?
:'''Buddy''': I think it'll work. 
:'''Saul''': Well, look at you! Hey, you're young. You're probably, uh... Fast in the feet, huh?
:'''Jeff''': Okay, I- I didn't say I wouldn't do it! I just... Had some questions about, like... Logistics.
:'''Saul''': Are you in or out?
:'''Jeff''': In.
:'''Saul''': ''[sighs]'' Okay, back to one. ''[He speaks into the loudspeaker as Jeff sets himself up.]'' Check, test, one-two, one-two.  Okay! And ready, set, action!
:''[Jeff begins running.]''
:'''Saul''': Move, move, move! Pick up the pace! Go, go, go! One, Armani suits and run! Two, Air Jordan shoes for you! Three, linen shirts for free! Four, cashmere sweaters out the door! Five, Patagonias to survive! Six, swanky sweatsuits in the mix! Let's go, let's go, let's go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[On the night of the robbery, Saul watches Jeff through the mall cameras while one of the security guards, Frank, is eating a Cinnabon roll with his back facing the cameras.]'' 
:'''Saul''': How about that 44-21 win against the Cavs?
:'''Frank''': Be still my heart. ''[laughs]''
:'''Saul''': Seventy-six yard pass to Reggie Ball, and–and never sacked once. 
:'''Frank''': Wow, you have got quite the memory.
:'''Saul''': ...Yeah, well—I'll tell you what. I can remember every stitch of clothing I was wearing during that game, but ask me what I had for dinner and... ''[whistles]'' Clean slate.
:'''Frank''': Tell me about it! ''[Saul checks his stopwatch, which is at two minutes and fifteen seconds]'' Well, I'll tell ya: If you're not passing the ball, that's what's gonna happen. ''[eats another bite]'' Mmm! 
:''[Eventually, Jeff runs with the last round of clothes when he slips and falls. Saul chokes on his coffee.]''
:'''Frank''': You okay?
:'''Saul''': ''[coughs]'' Wrong pipe.
:'''Frank''': Oh, okay. So, you think our guys are gonna move to the Big Ten like they're sayin'?
:'''Saul''': ''[pause]'' Big Ten?
:'''Frank''': Yeah, you know, maybe they're just chasing the almighty dollar if you ask me. I mean, both powerhouses of course. But, you know what? You got Oklahoma and Texas over here. But Michigan, Ohio State over there! ''[Saul looks nervously at the cameras]'' I... I don't know. Guess  I like tradition. ''[chuckles; sighs as he takes yet another bite]'' So good. Just amazing. Wow. 
:''[After Saul realizes Jeff is out cold, he fakes a nervous breakdown to distract Frank]''
:'''Saul''': God, what am I doing?
:'''Frank''': What?
:'''Saul''': ''[cries out again as Frank turns his head towards the cameras]'' Look at me! Wha—I don't know what... ''[sobs]'' Oh, Jesus! 
:'''Frank''': Gene?
:'''Saul''': Oh, God. You... you have a wife, right, Frank?
:'''Frank''': Yeah.
:'''Saul''': Yeah?
:'''Frank''': Yeah.
:'''Saul''': She's waiting for you? ''[Frank nods]'' Look at me. I got... I got no one. My parents are dead. [[w:Chuck McGill | My brother]]... ''[beat; looks down]'' My brother is dead. I, uh... I don't have a wife. No kids, no friends. If I die tonight, no one would care. What difference would it make?
:''[Saul looks up again and notices Jeff slowly getting himself up]''
:'''Frank''': Gene, buddy... I—I'm sure you mean a lot to... to a lot of—lots of people. ''[turns his head around again]''
:'''Saul''': ''[slams fist on table]'' If I die tonight, my landlord would pack up my stuff. It'd take him three hours. And Cinnabon would just hire a new manager. Gene who?! Poof, I'd be gone! I'd be... a–a ghost. No, not a ghost. I'd be a... a shadow. I'd just mean ''nothing.'' I mean, Frank... What's the ''point'', Frank? What's the...
:''[Saul sees Jeff put away the clothes in the box. He groans as he watches Jeff run out of the warehouse, then claps when he's out of sight]''
:'''Saul''': ''[sighs]'' I'm sorry. You didn't need to hear that.
:'''Frank''': No, no, no. That's–that's okay. No, that is okay. Everybody has bad days.
:'''Saul''': You've felt like this?
:'''Frank''': ...No. I mean, not me, but... people. I think a lot of people.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Saul''': You guys enjoying yourselves? Well, hold on to that feeling, 'cause this is it.
:'''Jeff''': Yeah, we know.
:'''Saul''': Well, in case you forget, you transported stolen goods with a value exceeding $5,000. And the truck you used to do it was rented in Council Bluffs across state lines.
:'''Jeff''': You told us to rent the truck over there, so—
:'''Saul''': ''[motions for Jeff to stop talking]'' Theft from an interstate shipment, up to ten years. Transportation of stolen goods, another ten years. Sale of stolen goods, ten years. Conspiracy to commit a federal crime—
:'''Buddy''': Whoa, hold on. Conspiracy? It was your idea.
:'''Saul''': Yeah. It's called mutually assured destruction, so... if I go down, you go down.
:'''Jeff''': Man, you don't have to threaten us. We're all friends here.
:'''Saul''': I am not your friend. And if you get greedy, and you decide to come back for more, ''don't.'' Gene Takavic, you've never heard of him. Cottonwood Mall, you don't go there. You see me comin', you cross to the other side of the street. 
:'''Jeff''': Dude.
:'''Saul''': Now, I need you to say it. We're done.
:'''Jeff''': ''[pause; laughs]'' Come on! 
:'''Saul''': Say it. ''We're done. '''Say it.'''''
:'''Jeff''': ''[beat; looks at his friend briefly]'' We're done.
:'''Buddy''': ''[pause]'' We're–we're done.

=== ''[[w:Breaking Bad (Better Call Saul) | Breaking Bad]]'' [6.11] ===
:''[Saul, with his limbs duct-taped and a bag over his head, lies on the floor of an RV.]''
:'''Saul''': Guys, c'mon. Talk to me! ''Habla, por favor! Yo soy abogado! Abogado, abogado!'' Aw-- Crap! You already knew that! Jesus, fellas, there's a better way to do this! Hello? Oh-- Why- Wha-- Why are we going off-road? Oh! Whoa! Whatever this is, can we please don't do it in the desert? ''Anywhere but the desert!'' Oh-- Oh, God, I'm gonna be sick...
:''[The RV stops and two masked men walk up, cutting the tape at Saul's legs and forcing him upright.]''
:'''Saul:''' Alright, fellas... This-- we can-- We can fix this! Whatever the ''problemo'', we can fix it with ''dinero. Mucho dinero! Mucho, mucho, mucho dinero!'' C'mon, please, one of you just, just-- You talk, ''habla!'' C'mon, b-before mistakes are made! C'mon, talk to me, guys, huh?
:''[The RV door closes to reveal [[w:Pilot_(Breaking_Bad)| five bullet holes covered with duct tape.]]]''
:'''Saul:''' C'mon, just tell me what you want! Jeez...
:''[The bag is taken off Saul's head to reveal  an open grave in the middle of the desert]''
:'''Saul:''' Oh! Oh, no, no, no, no, no! No! [[w:Better Call Saul (Breaking Bad)| It wasn't me! It was Ignacio, he's the one!]]
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Francesca answers a payphone at an abandoned convenience store outside of Albuquerque. On the other end of the line is Saul, calling from a phone booth outside a diner in rural Nebraska under his Gene Takavic alias.]''
:'''Francesca''': Yeah.
:'''Saul''': Oh, good. You're there. Great. Great. Unencumbered by curious eyes and ears, I'm guessing?
:'''Francesca''': Wouldn't have picked up otherwise.
:'''Saul''': Right. Excellent. Um, okay. Well then... Lay it on me.
:'''Francesca''': First things first.
:'''Saul''': No, I believe we agreed after.
:'''Francesca''': I'm hanging up.
:'''Saul''': Okay, okay then! Jeez! I... Okay, if you're facing the phone, turn right ninety degrees and, uh, walk straight. You'll see some pieces of broken concrete in the dirt. Just pull back the one that's kinda shaped like New Jersey. 
:'''Francesca''': New Jersey?
:'''Saul''': Alfred Hitchcock in a fez, whatever. Just pull that one back, and you'll see a, um, soda can tap. It's got a fishing line tied to it. Follow that line, it'll take you to an old water line, and just keep pulling the string and you'll get what I promised.
:''[Francesca leaves the phone off the hook and follows Saul's instructions. She soon retrieves a pouch containing three bundles of cash, amounting to several thousand dollars. She returns to the payhone.]''
:'''Francesca''': Okay.
:'''Saul''': Great. Was it all there? I mean, the rats didn't eat it or anything?
:'''Francesca''': It's all here.
:'''Saul''': ''[exhales]'' Okay. Well, uh, tell me... how hot.
:'''Francesca''': How hot?
:'''Saul''': Yeah.
:'''Francesca''': Well, I still get followed. Not as often as [[w:Ozymandias (Breaking Bad) | when the shit first hit the fan]], but I still see them. My mail gets opened. My phone at home clicks whenever I use it.
:'''Saul''': So the maestro buying the farm didn't change anything?
:'''Francesca''': No. If anything, it made it worse. [[w:Skyler White | Skyler White]] got her deal, so the only ones left to go after are you and Pinkman. And I heard [[w:El Camino: A Breaking Bad Movie | they found his car down by the border]], so adios dopehead. 
:'''Saul''': Oh, so they're still on to me. Well... Hey, what do you know about the nail salons?
:'''Francesca''': Nail salons are gone.
:'''Saul''': What? Gone? All of them?
:'''Francesca''': Yup.
:'''Saul''': What about the vending machines?
:'''Francesca''': Gone.
:'''Saul''': Jesus! Don't tell me, the laser tag...
:'''Francesca''': Feds found it all, Saul.
:'''Saul''': How?! It was shells within shells! Dammit! Dammit!! Okay... okay... Hey— oh. Let's say there was an overseas account, Antigua and Barbuda—
:'''Francesca''': Tiger Fish Corporation?
:'''Saul''': What?
:'''Francesca''': Tiger Fish Corporation? 850K? I gave it to the feds.
:'''Saul''': You did what? Why would you do that?!
:''[An automated message tells Saul that his phone time has expired. He hurriedly puts more quarters into the payphone.]''
:'''Saul''': ''God dammit!''
:'''Francesca''': You—you put my name on the board of a fictional corporation. I had to give it up, I didn't really have a choice. And a heads-up would have been nice, by the way!
:'''Saul''': So it's gone? It's all gone. Those sons of bitches took everything.
:'''Francesca''': Except what you took with you, and I'm guessing that wasn't chump change.
:'''Saul''': Yeah, well...
:'''Francesca''': Well... Guess that's it.
:'''Saul''': Wait, wait, wait! C'mon, I just put more quarters in! Can't you just... I don't know... give me the lowdown? 
:'''Francesca''': There's nothing else.
:'''Saul''': Well, that's not true. After all this time? You know, come on. Just fill me in. Um... How's Kuby?
:'''Francesca''': No idea.
:'''Saul''': Alright, how about Huell?
:'''Francesca''': Huell? I guess back home in New Orleans. DEA held him under false pretenses or something, so last I heard he walked.
:'''Saul''': Good. Um, how about Danny? Or—or Ira? I mean, any word on those two guys?
:'''Francesca''': They have Internet where you are? 
:'''Saul''': Well, just... C'mon, give me something. There's gotta be some news.
:'''Francesca''': Remember Bill Oakley? He switched sides.
:'''Saul''': He came out, huh? 
:'''Francesca''': No, he's not gay. He's a defense attorney now. 
:'''Saul''': Huh. Well, I mean... What about you? How are you doing?
:'''Francesca''': ''[sarcastically]'' I'm just great. [[w:Rainier III, Prince of Monaco|Prince Rainier]] proposed. The private jet is taking us to the palace on Thursday.
:'''Saul''': Yeah. Okay, well... I guess that's it, then.
:''[Francesca mulls over what to tell Saul next.]''
:'''Francesca''': I did get one call, after everything went down. ''[pause]'' Kim. Checking in on me. 
:'''Saul''': No kidding?
:'''Francesca''': ''Mm-hmm''. Your name came up. Asked if you were alive. 
:'''Saul''': She asked about me... ''[pause]'' What did you tell her?
:'''Francesca''': Nothing.
:'''Saul''': But she asked.
:'''Francesca''': Yup.
:'''Saul''': ''[long pause]'' ...Yeah, okay. Well, I guess this is goodbye—
:''[Francesca hangs up without saying anything.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Saul goes inside the RV driven by the two masked men [[w:Better Call Saul (Breaking Bad)| who kidnapped him and brought him to the desert]]]''
:'''Saul''': What the hell is this? It's like [[w:James Whale|James Whale]]'s travelling roadshow in here.
:''[Jesse Pinkman, a ski mask pulled up over his face, steps in behind him.]''
:'''[[w:Jesse Pinkman |Jesse]]''': Whatever the hell that is, Crystal Ship definitely travels.
:''[Walt enters and shuts the door behind him, incredulous. Meanwhile, Saul explores the RV.]''
:'''[[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad) | Walter]]''': I'm sorry, you said the ''what'' travels?
:'''Jesse''': Crystal Ship. What I call this thing.
:'''Walter''': Alright, never mind, just... No details. We're paying him to do a job, let's just leave it at that.
:'''Saul''': &quot;No details?&quot; Fellas, that–that money you put in my pocket, that doesn't just extend to this job. That can get you attorney-client privilege on—on all matters!
:'''Walter''': ''No details.''
:'''Saul''': Look at this setup. I mean–What, you two driving around like Mr. Softee, scooping out drugs for all the good boys and girls?
:'''Jesse''': No, we don't deal from here.
:'''Walter''': I said no details!
:'''Jesse''': Dude is standing in front of a meth lab, it's not like he ain't gonna put two and two together!
:'''Walter''': He is on a need-to-know basis.
:'''Jesse''': Uh, I didn't wanna show my face. Did he need to know that?
:'''Saul''': So, you're not just distribution. You're the whole freakin' package.
:''[Saul leans up against a table, considering Walt and Jesse before turning to the lab equipment.]''
:'''Saul''': You two actually make the blue stuff? ''[brief pause]'' Here?! ''[chuckles and picks up a flask]'' That's amazing!
:'''Walter''': Can you not touch...?
:'''Saul''': I mean, look at this! I had a fish that could've used this as a vacation home, but you're using it to make the goods, huh?
:'''Jesse''': Yeah, it's a, um, round-bottom flask. ''[turns to Walt]'' Right? Round-bottom? ''[Walt grimaces and says nothing]'' It's a flask for distilling.
:'''Walter''': It won't be if you break it. Now please, put it down.
:'''Saul''': Oh. ''[clears his throat]'' Okay, so if you cook the blue stuff... ''[to Jesse]'' that means you're Igor and— ''[to Walt]'' and that makes you... You're Heisenberg. Wow. Hey, tell me, how-how much product can you churn out with a setup like this?
:'''Walter''': Alright, we're done. We're done with the questions. ''We'' ask the questions. You have ''a'' job—''one'' job—and I still don't understand how you're gonna pull it off.
:'''Saul''': Listen, when I get all my ducks in a row, I'll give you a PowerPoint down at the office. But until then, just—just bring what we talked about, okay? And don't worry! I'm gonna make it work.
:'''Walter''': I'm taking the eighty thousand as a starting point for negotiation.
:'''Saul''': Take it any way you want. That's the price and, um... ''[clears throat again]'' I'm calling shotgun. ''[saunters up and plops down in the passenger's seat]''
:'''Walter''': ''[to Jesse, who attempts to take the driver's seat]'' I will drive.
:'''Jesse''': Oh, yeah. Sure. I'll just... stand. I guess. ''[under his breath]'' Dick.
:'''Saul''': At least you won't be rolling around like the last Christmas ham in the back of the delivery truck, you know? I—I've got bad knees. ''[to Walt]'' I think you might've messed up my rotator cuff. You're lucky I'm not charging you for my chiropractor, she's expensive. ''[to Jesse]'' But she adjusts ''everything.''
:''[Walt starts the RV, which immediately stalls out.]''
:'''Walter''': Dammit.
:'''Jesse''': You gotta give it some ''gas'' when you're backing up.
:'''Walter''': I gave it the proper amount of gas.
:'''Jesse''': I guess that's why we're &quot;moving&quot;, then.
:'''Walter''': Look, it just was... idling too long. It'll start.
:''[Walt attempts to turn over the ignition again and it sputters.]''
:'''Jesse''': Oh, you should've just let me drive, yo!
:'''Walter''': Look, nothing would be different in this moment except you panicking and flooding the engine.
:'''Jesse''': ''[scoffs]'' Bullshit.
:'''Saul''': Look, fellas, I was enjoying the [[w:Laurel and Hardy|Laurel and Hardy]] vibe, but I'm not such a fan of [[w:The Bickersons|the Bickersons]]. Now, can you get me back to my office? I—I got work to do if you want me to make some magic.
:'''Walter''': We just need to sit a moment, that's all. When it idles too long, the fuel pump overheats, and so we just need to let it cool down.
:''[Walt takes the key out of the ignition, plunging the RV into darkness. Walt clears his own throat, which turns into a cough. A bit of blood spills onto his hand and he wipes it away, but Saul notices. He gives Walt a once-over and Walt responds with a glare of his own, which prompts Saul to turn his attention to the window.]''
:'''Jesse''': So... who's Lalo?
:'''Saul''': ...Who?
:'''Jesse''': Lalo. Thought some dude named Lalo sent us? You seemed pretty freaked out. Never heard of no Lalo on the street.
:'''Saul''': ''[beat]'' It's nobody. ''[to Walt]'' Hey, are you gonna try that again? 'Cause... Or are they gonna find us, y'know, buried in a sandstorm a thousand years from now? Just, please.
:''[Walt turns the key and the RV springs to life once again]''
:'''Jesse''': ''[sarcastically]'' Bravo.
:'''Saul''': I second that! I'm gonna give you two free words of advice: Jiffy. Lube.
:'''Walter''': Hold on.
:''[They drive off out of the desert, leaving behind the hole that Walt and Jesse previously dug up.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Saul is lying on the floor with his feet in the Swing Master as Mike enters his office]''
:'''Saul:''' Ho, enter sunshine! Cast some light into my cool, dark world! 
:''[Mike doesn't say anything, sitting on the couch and looking at a newspaper crossword puzzle]''
:'''Saul:''' Hello? You're on the clock, right? So, get with the info any time.
:'''Mike:''' When you're done.
:'''Saul:''' No, I can multitask. Please.
:'''Mike:''' I'm not gonna talk to you while you're on... whatever ''that'' is.
:'''Saul:''' You know, LBJ used to have his underlings give him reports while he was on the shitter.
:'''Mike:''' ''Ah-hah.'' Well, either I'm gonna leave or I'm gonna put my foot in your skull.
:'''Saul:''' ''[sighs]'' ...Fine. ''[gets up off the floor]'' You should try one of these. You walk like Frankenstein after he was probed by aliens. ''Ha!'' I can get you one. Would do wonders for your chi. ''[puts on his suit jacket and seats himself behind his desk]'' Let's go. Lay it on me.
:''[Mike walks to the desk and hands Saul an envelope containing photos.]''
:'''Mike:''' Alright. First: there's your Mrs. Denise Gabbler. She's cheating, alright. 
:'''Saul:''' ''[whistles]'' Limber! ''Ha-ha!'' Well, at least I know they didn't spot you. No one could stay that aroused with your mug peeking through the window. ''[Mike stares at Saul, stone-faced; he doesn't respond]'' What else you got?
:'''Mike:''' Well, next I followed your bus driver. Newsflash: He really does have a broken neck.
:'''Saul:''' Fantastic. That makes my life much easier. Keep it coming.
:'''Mike:''' Second-story guy out of Indianapolis, Lasky? Did a dime at Menard. Now, if you're looking for a tenor who will keep his mouth shut, you can trust him. I say he's worth keeping an eye on. 
:'''Saul:''' Second-story guy, second-story guy... I—I got more second-story guys in my book than pimples at a junior prom. That... ''[inhales]'' What about, uh, that Heisenberg fella?
:'''Mike:''' High school chemistry teacher.
:'''Saul:''' You're shittin' me, really?
:'''Mike:''' Walter Hartwell White. Chemistry teacher over at J. P. Wynne. Working with a former student, current meth head, one Jesse Pinkman. 
:'''Saul:''' Wow... Uh, what else about the teacher?
:'''Mike:''' He has lung cancer.
:'''Saul:''' ''Jesus.'' That's why he can't quit with the coughing. How bad?
:'''Mike:''' Stage 3A. He's in treatment, more tests to come. But it doesn't look good. Now listen, even if this guy was gonna live, I wouldn't go near him. He's a complete amateur.
:'''Saul:''' Well, you see an amateur, I see 170 pounds of clay ready to be molded.
:'''Mike:''' Well, if the cancer doesn't get him, it will be the cops or a bullet to the head. 
:'''Saul:''' Is that your appraisal, or is that what [[w:Gus Fring | He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named]] says about him?
:'''Mike:''' He didn't say anything. The guy is small potatoes. 
:'''Saul:''' Yeah, okay. I hear ya. I just—I got a feeling about this. This Heisenberg guy's got something. It's top-of-the-line product, that's the buzz on the street. And I just think with the right management—
:'''Mike:''' You know, years ago I bought a [[w:Betamax|Betamax]]. Good product, top of the line. Experts said it was better than a VHS. Turned out to be a complete waste of time and money. 
:'''Saul:''' ''Hm?''
:'''Mike:''' ''[sternly]'' Let it go.
:'''Saul:''' ''[sighs]'' ...Guy with that mustache probably doesn't make a lot of good life choices. So yeah, the second-story guy. Menard, you said?
:'''Mike:''' Yeah, right, right, right. Alright, part of a high-end crew fencing jewelry up into Canada. Now, Lasky kid caught a bad break. Cop was driving by just as he was ducking in a window. He did the time, no one else on his crew went down. Solid.
:''[Saul stares off into space, not paying attention to what Mike is saying.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Saul learns that Jeff's friend, Buddy, bailed on one of their scams and confronts him in the garage behind Jeff's house.]''
:'''Saul''': You're kidding me! Absolutely kidding me! 
:'''Buddy''': I'm sorry, man. I couldn't do it.
:'''Saul''': Do you know how much time, how much effort I put into finding the perfect mark?! I have to weed through all these saps who have wives and families at home! Find somebody who's alone, with money! And what—So you can just wimp out?!
:'''Buddy''': The guy has cancer, man! I found pills in his pocket, okay? The same ones my dad took. For, like, pancreatic cancer. 
:'''Saul''': So a guy with cancer can't be an asshole? ''[chuckles]'' Believe me! I speak from experience!
:'''Buddy''': I can't rip off a guy with cancer. I'm sorry.
:'''Saul''': Do you know how many of the suckers we've ripped off had sob stories?! ''Every single one of them!'' Besides, it'll be ''months'' before they even realize they've been taken! This guy will already be dead! So please get back in your truck, go back to the house, and finish the job!
:'''Buddy''': ''[beat]'' No, man. I can't do that! I can't!
:'''Saul''': Alright, I get it! You'll get over it, okay? Please, believe me. Before you know it, you'll forget all about it. ''[softly]'' Go.
:'''Buddy''': Look, we're doing really well, right? Hear me out, okay? I mean, we're rolling in cash! We can just let this one go! 
:'''Saul''': Not your call.
:'''Buddy''': ''[sighs]'' Yeah, but I... I pulled the tape when I left! The door's locked! We couldn't get back in even if we wanted to! ''[Saul angrily slaps the top of Jeff's car]'' Jeff, come on, man! Back me up here! 
:'''Jeff''': Oh, well I... I don't know. I mean, I can see both sides kinda. 
:'''Saul''': You know what? Forget it, you're fired. Just go! Just give me the camera and go! 
:'''Buddy''': ''[hands Saul his camera]'' Fine. 
:'''Saul''': GOOD! Go, we don't need you! And I know I don't need to tell you this, but since you're such a goddamn amateur, I will anyway! Keep your mouth ''shut''.
:''[Buddy gives Jeff one last glance before leaving the garage.]''
:'''Saul''': ''[to Jeff]'' If we're gonna do this, we should leave now.
:'''Jeff''': ...We're really gonna go back there?
:'''Saul''': What did I just say? Jeff, are you in or out?!

=== ''[[w:Waterworks (Better Call Saul) | Waterworks]]'' [6.12] ===
:'''Kim''': Kim Wexler.
:'''Jimmy''': Hey! Kim Wexler... You know who this is? ''[beat; Kim is silent]'' I'm gonna take that as a &quot;yes&quot;. Uh, that receptionist of yours, is she the type to listen in?
:'''Kim''': No.
:'''Jimmy''': Good! Okay! So... How's Florida been treating you? I'm catching you between hurricanes, I hope. ''[pause]'' Kim? You there?
:'''Kim''': What do you want?
:'''Jimmy''': No, I don't... I don't want anything, I just—It's been a while, y'know, I was just... I was thinking, it's been a while? And, uh... It might be nice to catch up.
:'''Kim''': &quot;Catch up?&quot;
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, my mind was wandering this morning, just... Not thinking anything in particular, just random thoughts and—Bam, it suddenly occurred to me, it's been six years. I mean, Jesus. I—I couldn't believe it! ''[beat]'' I thought you might wanna know I'm still alive. ''[pause]'' Yep. I'm still out here! Still getting away with it! Feds couldn't find their own ass with both hands and a proctologist.
:'''Kim''': You shouldn't be calling me.
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, hey! You're awake!
:'''Kim''': ''You shouldn't be calling.''
:'''Jimmy''': Why not? What, am I tying up the line from important irrigation business? I mean, come on, Kim, say something. Hey, call me an asshole! Yell at me! Just let me know you still got a pulse. ''[pause]'' Just ''say'' something!
:'''Kim''': You want me to say something?
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah.
:'''Kim''': You should turn yourself in.
:'''Jimmy''': Do what?
:'''Kim''': You heard me. I don't know what kind of life you've been living, but it can't be much.
:'''Jimmy''': Said the pot to the kettle! What?! That is—that is really rich, you—''you'' preaching to ''me?!'' See, you have no idea what I did or didn't do, okay? And why–why don't you turn ''your''self in? Seeing as how ''you're'' the one with the guilty conscience, huh? What is—What is stopping you, huh? [[w:Face Off (Breaking Bad) | Fring's in the ground]]. [[w:Say My Name (Breaking Bad)| Mike's in the ground]]. Lalo's in the ground, apparently. You don't have to hold back on my account! They can only hang me once, so what?! So go ahead! Spill your guts, put on your hair shirt, see what it gets you! Why are... Kim, why are we even talking about this? We're both too smart to throw our lives away for no reason, just... I just—I only wanted to... Kim—Kim...! Kim—
:'''Kim''': I'm glad you're alive. ''[she hangs up]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Cheryl Hamlin has just finished reading Kim's written confession, describing the events leading up to the night of Howard's death]''
:'''Cheryl''': Howard was murdered? ''[pause; Kim nods]'' Why?
:'''Kim''': He was... in the wrong place at the wrong time.
:'''Cheryl''': Where's his body?
:'''Kim''': I don't know.
:'''Cheryl''': And the police... Will they search again?
:'''Kim''': They'll search. I don't think they'll find him. Cheryl, he... It—It all happened in an instant, and he didn't... he didn't suffer.
:'''Cheryl''': &quot;He didn't suffer&quot;? The lies you two made up, the picture you painted... That's all he is now! That's all ''anybody'' remembers!
:'''Kim''': I wanna change that.
:'''Cheryl''': What happens now? Will you be tried? Will you go to jail?
:'''Kim''': I don't know.
:'''Cheryl''': You're a lawyer, right? You're a... a ''great'' one, Howard said! How could you ''not know?''
:'''Kim''': Bernalillo County has my affidavit. It's up to the district attorney whether to prosecute. And she may not.
:'''Cheryl''': ''Why?''
:'''Kim''': There's no physical evidence. No remaining witnesses other than my ex-husband, assuming he's still alive.
:'''Cheryl''': I could sue you in civil court. I could take everything you've got.
:'''Kim''': Yeah.
:'''Cheryl''': ...Why are you doing this?
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kim stands outside Saul's office, attempting to light a cigarette. A man, revealed to be Jesse Pinkman, leans against a wall.]''
:'''Jesse''': Hey, yo... Can I bum one of those?
:''[Kim pauses before offering him the cigarette. Jesse takes one and she lights it for him.]''
:'''Jesse''': Thanks. ''[gestures towards the rain]'' What's up with this shit?
:'''Kim''': Raining.
:'''Jesse''': Yeah. I dunno, it's... It's crazy! Like, bananas, all this rain. I mean, I thought we were, like, in a desert, y'know? ''[beat]'' You're a lawyer, right? ''[Kim turns to him]'' Yeah. I recognize you. You defended my buddy, Combo. Christian Ortega? Juvie court, little baby Jesus? I mean, not like a ''real'' baby. Just, uh... y'know, one of those things outside of the... church?
:'''Kim''': Nativity scene.
:'''Jesse''': Yeah.
:'''Kim''': Knights of Columbus.
:'''Jesse''': I mean, what the ''hell'' did he even ''want'' that thing for? Huh? I mean, I—I still don't know, ''dumbass.'' I told him he could go to hell for stealing something like that. I mean—But did he listen to me? No. But you... You got him off, like, scot-free. That... That was pretty slick, yo!
:'''Kim''': Well... Tell him I hope he's keeping his nose clean.
:'''Jesse''': Yeah, yeah. Right on. Absolutely. Uh... Hey, so you having all this expertise and all... This guy, Goodman... ''[pause]'' He the real deal? Like, lawyer-wise?
:'''Kim''': Why do you ask?
:'''Jesse''': I got a buddy in there who's facing some serious time. I mean, not... y'know, not baby Jesus time, but... but serious. You know, he needs top-shelf legal representation. And I tell him that, right? But, you know, he sees this dude's commercials on TV, and this is where he wants to go. I mean, I tell him, &quot;Yo... Emilio, you know, a funny TV commercial's not a sound... basis for, like, you know... ''[pause]'' I mean, like, would you go to a doctor to do, like, an operation on you in, like a... On, like your spleen or whatever... All on the fact that there was a funny TV commercial? No. I mean, c'mon. How is this ''any'' different, y'know?&quot; Anyways... This guy. Any good?
:''[Kim throws her cigarette away]''
:'''Kim''': When I knew him, he was. ''[pulls her hood up and runs out into the rain]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Saul calls Marion after learning that Jeff has been arrested for the robbery he committed the previous night]''
:'''Marion''': Hello? ''[pause]'' Gene! Honey, do you know what time it is? ''[beat; picks up her phone and sits down]'' Oh... Oh God, that boy. He's gonna put me in my grave.
:'''Saul''': Marion... ''[chuckles]'' It's a mistake is all. Getting picked up for something you didn't do, that could happen to anybody.
:'''Marion''': Yeah right, anyone. This isn't the first time, you know. He's been in trouble before. Oh, Jesus! 
:'''Saul''': Marion—
:'''Marion''': The death of me! He's gonna be the death of me! 
:'''Saul''': Marion! Marion, it's gonna be alright. We'll get him outta there lickety-split.
:'''Marion''': I've been through this before. There's nothing lickety-split about it. Back when he was living in Albuquerque... Drunk in public, resisting arrest, urinating in—in some place he shouldn't have! And me on the telephone for hours long-distance, trying to find one of those bailout places. I maxed out my Discover card. I'm still paying for that one! 
:'''Saul''': Well, money's not gonna be a problem because I'm gonna help you with that.
:'''Marion''': No, Gene. I can't let you do that. No.
:'''Saul''': Sure you can. Jeff will pay me back. And you don't have to worry about a bondsman either, because guess what? In Omaha, they don't have 'em. Right? You just walk into the station, you pay out straight cash bail. It's not like Albuquerque at all. ''[beat; Marion starts growing suspicious]'' Marion, you still there?
:'''Marion''': Yeah, what... Why did Jeff call you instead of me?
:'''Saul''': Well, I think he was scared of how you'd take it. Honestly, I was gonna pay the bail myself, but I think it should be a family member. I think that'd be best. ''[brief pause]'' I'll tell you what. Let me take a shower, get dressed, and you do the same. I'll swing by and pick you up, we'll get this whole thing squared away. 
:'''Marion''': What about Buddy? Is he in any trouble?
:'''Saul''': I don't think so. Why would he be? ''Heh.'' I'll see you in about an hour. 
:'''Marion''': Yeah, okay. Yeah, thanks. 
:''[After she hangs up the phone, Marion unplugs her phone cord and connects it to her laptop.]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Saul has just discovered Marion watching videos on the internet. He opens up her laptop to find one of his old commercials playing, then re-shuts it.]''
:'''Saul''': What's that?
:'''Marion''': ...You tell me.
:'''Saul''': Marion, do you think that's me? 'Cause it's not.
:'''Marion''': There never was a Nippy, was there?
:'''Saul''': What did Jeff tell you?
:'''Marion''': Oh, he didn't tell me anything. [[w:AskJeeves | AskJeeves]] told me. I typed in &quot;conman&quot; and &quot;Albuquerque&quot;. And up you popped, big as day. ''[reaches for her phone]''
:'''Saul''': What are you doing, Marion?
:'''Marion''': What do you think I'm doing? I'm calling the police.
:'''Saul''': Here. Let me help you with that. ''[rips the phone line from the wall and backs Marion into a corner]'' Listen, I think we're losing sight of the bigger picture here, okay? Jeff is in trouble, and I wanna help him. He and I could sure use your support here.
:'''Marion''': What'd you get my son into?!
:'''Saul''': Nothing that he didn't ask for. ''[shoves Marion's chair to the side and wraps the phone cord around his fists]'' Listen, I'm still the good friend you thought I was, okay? Jeff understands me! Buddy understands me! And you will, too. You just have to, uh... You know, keep things on an even keel, alright?
:''[Marion pulls out her [[w:Life Alert Emergency Response | LifeAlert button]], threatening Jimmy with it as he closes in.]''
:'''Saul''': What have you got there? Put that down. Put that down, Marion. Put it down. Do not do it, Marion. Final warning... ''[takes it out of her grasp]''
:'''Marion''': I trusted you.
:''[Saul holds on to the button for a few moments, guilt quickly setting in before he lets it go. Marion grasps the button again and presses it.]''
:'''Valerie''': Marion? This is Valerie with LifeAlert. Are you okay?
:'''Marion''': No, Valerie, I'm not okay! There's a criminal standing in my kitchen, threatening me! He's a wanted man, and his name is Saul Goodman!
:'''Valerie''': Alright, Marion? I'm calling the police, I'm calling right now.
:''[Saul sprints out of the kitchen and exits the house. Marion looks on in shock.]''

=== ''Saul Gone'' [6.13] ===

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Better Call Saul seasons]]
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      <timestamp>2022-08-11T17:08:35Z</timestamp>
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      </contributor>
      <comment>/*  Waterworks [6.12] */</comment>
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:'''Season''' [[Better Call Saul (season 1)|1]] [[Better Call Saul (season 2)|2]] [[Better Call Saul (season 3)|3]] [[Better Call Saul (season 4)|4]] [[Better Call Saul (season 5)|5]] [[Better Call Saul (season 6)|6]] | [[Better Call Saul|'''Main''']]
----

The following is a list of quotes from the sixth season of ''[[Better Call Saul]]''.

=== ''[[w:Wine and Roses|Wine and Roses]]'' [6.01] ===
:''[Mike, Gus, and Tyrus gather in the office trailer at the Los Pollos Hermanos chicken farm to discuss the aftermath of the attempted hit on Lalo Salamanca.]''
:'''Gus:''' Tell me again about the ''sicario'' who made the final report.
:'''Tyrus:''' He was already wounded when he talked to our cutout. Federales found him dead at the scene. But they got Salamanca.
:'''Gus:''' The mercenaries are dead. To a man. And yet their mission was a success?
:'''Mike:''' It has been known to happen. Now you go down there and get Varga, bring him home safe. There's ways to do it on the quiet. 
:''[Long pause; Gus and Tyrus both stare at him.]''
:'''Mike:''' ''[scoffs]'' ...Unless you already have something in the works.
:''[Tyrus turns and exits the trailer. Mike and Gus speak alone.]''
:'''Gus:''' Speak your mind.
:'''Mike:''' Loyalty goes both ways. Varga's done everything you asked him. 
:'''Gus:''' He wasn't given a choice.
:'''Mike:''' Maybe so, but he played a tough game. And he played it on the square. 
:'''Gus:''' ...And?
:'''Mike:''' When all is said and done, the kid deserves your respect.
:'''Gus:''' He has it. Is there more you wish to say?
:''[After a long pause, Mike exits the trailer.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Kim have dinner at a diner; conversation turns to the Ford Taurus that Jimmy has rented.]''
:'''Jimmy:''' I rented us a car. It's the Ford.
:'''Kim:''' So Saul Goodman drives a brown Ford Taurus?
:'''Jimmy:''' Detroit calls that taupe, I believe.
:'''Kim:''' Don't you think Saul Goodman would drive something with a little more... flair?
:'''Jimmy:''' Such as?
:'''Kim:''' I don't know. Definitely American-made. Something showy. And Saul Goodman has an office. Something eye-catching. Good location.
:'''Jimmy:''' By the courthouse?
:'''Kim:''' Yeah. A cathedral of justice.
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Ooooh'', a cathedral of justice. Okay, yeah.
:'''Kim:''' We should start looking for something for you. I mean, for Saul.
:'''Jimmy:''' Sold. When do we start?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[At the courthouse, Jimmy is confronted by the district attorney who prosecuted Lalo during his bail hearing]''
:'''ADA Khalil''': I've been calling you for two days.
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, my girl's out sick. What can I do you for?
:'''ADA Khalil''': Tomorrow morning, 10 A.M.
:'''Jimmy''': Brunch? But just you and me, right? ''[points at Detective Roberts]'' I mean, won't the big fella here feel like a third wheel?
:'''ADA Khalil''': You and I are meeting Parson in chambers. I am asking for an emergency hearing to alter the terms of De Guzman's release.
:'''Jimmy''': Sounds like a blast. Unfortunately, I'm booked solid. 
:'''Detective Roberts''': I checked your client's place of residence. The address he gave, it's a Dairy Queen in Altamonte. The family that showed at the bail hearing can't be located. No driver's license, no tax rolls, no school records. Nothing. The fact is, there isn't a single Elizabeth McKinnon under the age of 73 living in New Mexico.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, this is–this is surprising.
:'''ADA Khalil''': Your client has disappeared, and I'm not waiting six weeks to start looking for him.
:'''Jimmy''': Hey, my guy put up seven million in bail. You think he's just gonna walk away from that?
:'''Detective Roberts''': Who comes up with seven million bucks in cash?
:'''ADA Khalil''': You know what I think? I think the family was fake. ''[to Jimmy]'' And I think you knew it the whole time.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, hold up. Just get real for a second. The hearing didn't go your way, and now you're trying for a do-over? You say my guy ran, I say he's got seven million reasons for showing up when he's legally required to do so. So, no, I won't be... uh, due process window dressing at any crash meeting with Parson. And if you try throwing any of this crap around in front of the judge without my presence, here's an accusation: Prosecutorial misconduct. ''Career-ending'' prosecutorial misconduct!
:'''Detective Roberts''': None of that changes the fact the guy's not who he said he was.
:'''Jimmy''': No, no, no! Hold on! You guys got caught with your pants around your ankles, and somehow that's on me?! I don't think so! ''[points at ADA Khalil]''  You got two dozen lawyers up there! You got investigators—you got the whole damn police force—and it's ''my'' fault that you can't keep track of Lalo?! ''That is '''not''' my job!''
:'''ADA Khalil''': Lalo? Who's Lalo?
:'''Jimmy''': What?! ''[blinks hard]'' What did I say... I meant De Guzman. I have more than one client! ''[chuckles]'' So... ''[clears throat]'' I will see you at the preliminary in six weeks as scheduled. Until then, I have clients who need me.
:''[Jimmy walks into an empty courtroom and sits down while contemplating his slip-up]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy takes a guided tour of the country club where Howard and Cliff are members, meeting with a tour guide named Norm in the main lounge.]''
:'''Norm:''' Hi, Norm Wakely. I understand you're in the market for a tour.
:'''Jimmy:''' That's right. Saul Goodman.
:'''Norm:''' Great to meet you, Mr. Goodman. 
:'''Jimmy:''' No please, call me Saul.
:'''Norm:''' Great. So Saul, can I get you anything before we get started? The coffee here is just unbeatable. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Uh, well, I'm fine. I'm fully caffeinated. 
:''[Kevin Wachtell walks into the room and becomes upset upon seeing Jimmy in the lounge.]''
:'''Norm:''' Well Saul, you and I are standing on hallowed ground. Five presidents have played on our course, starting with Dwight D. Eisenhower. But the story goes back even further than that–
:'''Kevin:''' ''Norm.''
:''[Jimmy and Norm turn toward Kevin.]''
:'''Kevin:''' Can I have a sec, please?
:'''Jimmy:''' Kevin, hey. How's it going?
:'''Norm:''' Uh, I'm sorry. I'm sure this will just be a moment.
:''[Norm goes over to Kevin and talks to him for a few moments, clearly being instructed to remove Jimmy from the premises.]''
:'''Norm:''' Mr. Goodman. I'm so sorry, but I've just been reminded that in fact we have a two-year waiting list.
:'''Jimmy:''' Two years, wow. Maybe I could go on the tour anyway. I mean, 'cause I'm here. Just in case.
:'''Norm:''' Well unfortunately, we've suspended tours for the moment.
:'''Jimmy:''' You're not even giving tours?
:'''Norm:''' I apologize for the inconvenience. We–we'll be happy to call you if the situation changes. You left your number?
:'''Jimmy:''' Uh-huh.
:'''Norm:''' Well, we'll be in touch. If the situation changes. Again, I–I am sorry for your time and trouble. We just– ''[sighs]'' We had a few crosswires.
:'''Jimmy:''' Well... okay then.
:'''Norm:''' Thank you.
:''[Jimmy is about the leave the lounge, but impulsively stops, turns around, and approaches Norm again.]''
:'''Jimmy:''' I'm sorry.
:'''Norm:''' Oh, yes.
:'''Jimmy:''' Um, just so I understand: you were going to give me a tour and then realized you don't need new members?
:'''Norm:''' We have a waiting list.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay, but you're the membership director... 
:'''Norm:''' I know.
:'''Jimmy:''' ...so you would have known that before. It doesn't really add up. I mean, I came in and everyone was rolling out the red carpet, and then all of a sudden something changed. I don't–
:'''Norm:''' Mr. Goodman, I–
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Goodman.'' The name. The second you heard it, everything turned on a dime. Wow. Waiting list? I think you're talking about an ''exclusion'' list. It's okay, I should have known. Because, I mean, look! ''[raises his voice and walks to the middle of the lounge, where everyone can see him]'' It's wall-to-wall mayonnaise in here! So listen, if you're going to be restrictive, have the courage to say so!
:'''Norm:''' There's no question–
:'''Jimmy:''' There it is, folks! Anti-Semitism, alive and well right here in Albuquerque!
:'''Norm:''' Sir! We have many Jewish members!
:'''Jimmy:''' Oh good. Well, you met your quota then. Gold star for you.
:''[Kevin, flanked by two of his golf buddies, interjects.]''
:'''Kevin:''' Hold on. That's gotta be the biggest load of horse crap I've ever heard in my life. Go crawl back in your hole, McGill or Goodman – whatever you're calling yourself. What are you up to, anyway? Ginning up another one of your put-up job lawsuits? You two-faced, blackmailing, money-grubbing son of a bitch–
:'''Jimmy:''' Money-grubbing! You're saying the quiet part out loud, I think.
:'''Norm:''' Gentlemen, can we just keep the volume down?
:'''Kevin:''' You know damn well that's not what I meant!
:'''Jimmy:''' In this day and age, I'd hoped and prayed we'd be beyond this.
:'''Kevin:''' You're about as Jewish as my Aunt Fannie!
:'''Jimmy:''' Five-thousand years and it never ends!
:''[Kevin tries to take a swing at Jimmy, but is held back by his golf buddies.]''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Here it is! Violence! It always comes to this!''
:'''Norm:''' Mr. Wachtell, please!
:'''Kevin's Buddy:''' Come on, Kev.
:'''Kevin:''' ''[to Jimmy]'' You go to hell, you lying sack of shit.
:''[Kevin and his golf buddies leave the lounge.]''
:'''Norm:''' Sir. Mr. Goodman, I don't know what to say. That is not–
:'''Jimmy:''' I wouldn't be a member here. I wouldn't walk through those doors again after what happened to me here today. ''[feigns tears]'' Do you at least have a bathroom that I could use, seeing as how my– Stress like that is hell on my diverticulitis. 
:'''Norm:''' The men's locker room is the closest. It's straight through there.
:'''Jimmy:''' And I would be allowed to go in there?
:'''Norm:''' Yes, of course.
:'''Jimmy:''' I want you to know I don't blame you personally. I know you were just following orders. ''[to everyone in the lounge]'' It's okay, folks! I'm leaving! All is well!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo is preparing to be smuggled across the border with a group of undocumented immigrants when he decides to call the Casa Tranquila Nursing Home and speak to Hector. A nurse holds a phone up to Hector's ear in the common room. Hector uses his bell to communicate.]''
:'''Lalo:''' ''[in Spanish]'' Uncle, can you hear me? Do you know my voice?
:''[Hector visibly recognizes Lalo's voice.]''
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings bell twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' They told you about the attack, didn't they?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' Let them keep believing I'm dead. So much the better. It was the chicken man. That coward sat up there in the north while his paramilitaries came into my home. My home, Uncle! Screw Bolsa, screw Eladio. I'm coming north. I'm going to hurt him. Hurt him like you taught me. And then I will kill him. 
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings repeatedly in agreement]''
:'''Lalo:''' What is it?
:''[The nurse takes the phone from Hector.]''
:'''Nurse:''' Hector? ''[to Lalo]'' Excuse me. I'm so sorry, but Hector seems a little upset.
:'''Lalo:''' ''[in English]'' Yeah, sorry. Um, I'm just– I'm sharing a bit of family news, some good, some bad. Would you mind putting him back on? It will only be a minute.
:'''Nurse:''' Of course.
:''[The nurse again holds the phone to Hector's ear.]''
:'''Lalo:''' ''[in Spanish]'' Uncle?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' What is it? Do you have another idea? 
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' Okay, let's see. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, Ñ, O, P–
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' P? That's right?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' Okay. What's next? A, B, C, D...
:''[Cut to the common room; Hector rings twice.]''
:'''Lalo:''' ...L, M, N, Ñ...
:''[Cut to the common room; Hector rings once.]''
:'''Lalo:''' U? ''Prueba?'' 
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]''
:'''Lalo:''' Is that what you're saying? Proof?
:'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]''
:'''Lalo:''' Uncle, I don't have any proof. For months I was in the north watching him, following his men. There was nothing.
:''[Lalo has a flash of realization.]''
:'''Lalo:''' Wait... There is proof. I know where to find it. Goodbye, Uncle. You will see me soon.

=== ''[[w:Carrot and Stick|Carrot and Stick]]'' [6.02] ===
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;I was a hard worker. I was a company man. Twenty years, and I didn't miss a single day. They even gave me a plaque for it. ''[sighs]'' It was a gold plaque. Perfect attendance... But when they handed it to me, I wrenched my back. I was in so much pain, I couldn't do my job... ''[sighs again]'' which meant I couldn't put food on the table. I didn't want to sue... but with a family to support, what choice did I have?&quot;
:'''Kim''': Wait, who are you supposed to be again?
:'''Jimmy''': Whatever. The backstory is just a placeholder. I'm gonna polish the script once we cast.
:'''Kim''': But a personal injury suit? Best case scenario, that gets him in with an associate.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[throws hands up]'' Mesothelioma. ''[clears his throat]'' &quot;When I took that job down at the shoe factory, I had no idea I was risking my life. Now, I can't stop coughin'!&quot; Right? Come on! Hey, a mesothelioma class-action built Clifford Main his vacation house. He hears &quot;mesothelioma,&quot; his eyes pop!
:'''Kim''': Well, sure. But then he takes the case. What happens when he asks for a medical evaluation? And how does Howard come up?
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, ask me why I'm here.
:'''Kim''': What brings you to Davis &amp; Main today?
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;I'm sick. I'm really sick...&quot;
:'''Kim''': Good.
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;...and it's not mesothelioma, but it's not good. And I need a lawyer, and the pickings are slim. I already went to HHM. I met with their top guy, Howard Hamlin, and uh... Uhhh, I–I got a brother-in-law and he's got a pretty nasty coke habit, very similar energy. Just put me off. Anyway, I need a lawyer, blah-blah-blah.&quot;
:'''Kim''': Okay, but you got a bad feeling from just one meeting?
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, I had the brother-in-law with the coke.
:'''Kim''': Yeah, but you were only in the room with him once.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, so it's gotta be something with a history with Howard.
:'''Kim''': Yeah.
:'''Jimmy''': But Cliff has to want to take the meeting, but not the case.
:'''Kim''': Right. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[sighs]'' It's gotta be good, but not too good.
:'''Kim''': Exactly. There's a sweet spot, you know. Like a magnet. We–we pull Cliff in, and then repel him. ''[beat]'' Oh!
:'''Jimmy''': What?
:'''Kim''': ''[sighs]'' You are going to ''hate'' this...

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy tracks down the Kettlemans to their shady tax preparation office and tries to rope them into his and Kim's plan to ruin Howard]'' 
:'''Betsy''': ''[to Jimmy]'' You've got some nerve coming here after what you did! ''[shoves Jimmy]'' ''Leave!'' Because of you, we lost ''everything!'' Our kids are in public school! So why don't you go crawl back under whatever slime-covered rock you came from and leave us the heck alone?! 
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, I sense some anger here, but that's–that's perfectly understandable. Since you brought it up, I came here today because I was curious if you two wanted your lives back. There's actually a legal term for it: Exoneration. 
:'''Craig''': Oh. You know, we actually did look into that.
:'''Betsy''': Yep.
:'''Craig''': We went to a number of lawyers, and—
:'''Betsy''': ''Real'' lawyers.
:'''Craig''': Yes. They were all terrific, but they said that it was impossible.
:'''Betsy''': ''Mm-hmm''.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, but those lawyers don't know what I know.
:'''Craig''': What's that?
:'''Betsy''': No, Craig. He's got an angle.
:'''Jimmy''': I ''do'' have an angle, Craig. It's an angle called justice. ''[Betsy scoffs and snickers]'' Let me put it this way: I think that within Craig's case, I have found the grounds for a civil suit. A big one. ''[pause; quietly]'' Big. 
:'''Betsy''': ''[long pause; looks at Craig]'' Okay, then. Let's hear it.
:'''Jimmy''': Let's hold your horses, because we've been down this road before. [[w:Uno (Better Call Saul)|And the last time I gave you two advice, you went straight to the competition with it.]] ''[pulls out a piece of paper from inside his suit]'' So, I just need some assurances that all my hard work isn't gonna end up in the hands of, uh, Clifford Main or some other asshole at some pretentious high-pay, white-shoe law firm. So before we talk turkey, letters of engagement. 
:'''Craig''': Yes.
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, you remember these. I made some updates, just closed a few loopholes and whatnot. So... ''[holds out paper and pen]''
:'''Betsy''': ''[stops Craig from taking the pen]'' We're not signing anything.
:'''Jimmy''': You have to sign if you want to know what I know. 
:'''Betsy''': ''We're not signing.''
:'''Jimmy''': Really? You're sure?
:'''Betsy''': Yep.
:'''Jimmy''': Craig?
:'''Craig''': ''[looks at Betsy before shaking his head]'' Thanks anyway.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[unclicks pen]'' Alright. Well, uh... Sorry we couldn't work something out.
:'''Betsy''': I'm sure you are.
:''[Jimmy overhears Betsy and Craig arguing as he walks around the trailer. He balls the pen in his fist]''
:'''Craig''': Mr. Goodman!
:'''Jimmy''': ''[smiles; clicks pen and takes out letter]'' Best decision you've ever made. ''[turns his back to Craig for him to sign the letter]'' Here you go.
:'''Betsy''': ''[after Craig signs the letter]'' So what do you know?
:'''Jimmy''': You got one, too, Betsy. ''[holds out another letter]''
:''[Betsy snatches the pen and paper from Jimmy and signs the letter while pressing the pen hard on Jimmy's back]'' 
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, come on. That's not... ''Ow''. All right. Well, we're officially in business. Now, I have it on good authority here that Craig was not given proper counsel. 
:'''Betsy''': We already knew that.
:'''Jimmy''': But did you ask yourselves why?
:'''Craig''': No. Why?
:'''Jimmy''': What if I told you that in your hour of need, the person who was supposed to be on your side was impaired?
:'''Craig''': Impaired?
:'''Jimmy''': It's a... a person of substance. ''[as Betsy and Craig talk to each other quietly]'' Substance in question being a certain illegal white powder.
:'''Betsy''': That awful woman with the ponytail is a cocaine addict.
:'''Jimmy''': No, not Kim Wexler! No! Craig's lead attorney, Howard Hamlin! 
:'''Craig''': Oh. I thought he was so... professional and energetic. Upbeat. 
:'''Betsy''': Oh...
:'''Jimmy''': &quot;Oh,&quot; is right.
:'''Craig''': So upbeat is bad?
:'''Jimmy''': In this case, it's textbook malpractice. The magic phrase is, &quot;ineffective assistance of counsel.&quot; If your guy wasn't nose deep in the devil's dandruff, well, Craig's case would've turned out completely different.
:'''Craig''': Oh, my God! 
:'''Betsy''': Don't we need some kind of proof?
:'''Jimmy''': All the dirty laundry comes out in discovery. It’s just trips to rehab, secret drug deals. All we gotta do is get the ball rolling. So, I say we get started on your affidavits. 
:'''Craig''': Yes.
:'''Betsy''': About that. We happen to know a thing or two about our rights, Mr. McGill. And it doesn’t matter what you force us to sign. We don’t have to work with any lawyer we don’t want. ''[gets in Jimmy's face]'' And that means... you’re fired. 
:'''Jimmy''': I am not fired.
:'''Betsy''': Oh yes, you are!
:'''Jimmy''': No! No!
:'''Craig''': He’s fired?
:'''Betsy''': Craig! 
:'''Jimmy''': No, you can’t fire me! I found this case, it’s mine! Hey, you wanna hear about rights?! The second you say where you got this information from, guess who automatically gets a cut?! ''Me! So go ahead! Go ahead, see what happens!''
:''[Jimmy pretends to be upset after the Kettlemans leave, but slowly starts smiling as he walks away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gus and Juan Bolsa visit Hector at Casa Tranquila to send their condolences, still believing that Lalo is dead. The dialogue is in Spanish.]''
:'''Bolsa''': He wishes to make amends. At least hear him out.
:'''Gus''': Don Hector. It's no secret that I did not see eye to eye with your nephew. And while the friction between your family and myself did not start with him, today I am reminded we are all Eladio's men. No matter our disagreements, a strike against one is a strike against all. I hope you will accept my condolences and my support as you navigate this terrible loss.
:'''Bolsa''': Gustavo speaks the truth. In this matter, he and I both stand shoulder to shoulder behind the Salamanca family. We are still looking for the traitor, Ignacio Varga. ''[places hand on Hector's shoulder]'' We will find him. And then your family will have justice.
:''[Hector slowly reaches his hand out to Gus. As Gus holds his hand, he notices a change of expression on Hector's face and stares at him. Cut to outside the nursing home.]'' 
:'''Bolsa''': ''[to Gus in English]'' We'll be in touch.
:''[Gus calls Mike on his cell phone after Bolsa drives away]''
:'''Mike''': What did you learn?
:'''Gus''': Lalo Salamanca lives.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy gets a call from Betsy Kettleman after she finds out there was no case against Howard]''
:'''Jimmy''': Saul Goodman, speedy justice for you. Oh, wait! Okay, just take a breath, and then we can... Okay, okay. I can tell you're upset. Just... I–I never advised that. No. ''[sighs]'' No, I did not, so let's agree to disagree. ''[pause]'' Okay, I think you're going to want to meet in person before you do anything rash. So how about–how about we meet up, and we can hash this out. ''[pause]'' Yeah, sure! Tomorrow, first thing. Uh, 9 A.M, I can come to your office. That work? ...Okay, okay! Good! ''[hangs up]'' 
:'''Kim''': I'm surprised it took them this long. You, uh... You're gonna use the stick, right? 
:'''Jimmy''': The stick? Well, it's a big stick. But I know these people, they're more carrot types. Especially her. ''[takes out cash and puts the bills in his suit pocket]'' Spoonful of sugar, you know?
:'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' I think maybe I'll come, too.
:'''Jimmy''': Tomorrow? Really?
:'''Kim''': Sure. I have time.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' Okay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tyrus''': They found the truck, but no sign of Varga. Salamancas have all eyes looking for him, including the federales. Still not picking up his cell, so nobody got a lock on it. Now as for Lalo, still missing. As far as everybody in the cartel is concerned, top to bottom, Lalo is dead.
:'''Mike''': May I offer a thought? ''[pause; to Gus]'' If Salamanca was coming straight for you, he'd be here already. We've got guys watching anywhere he might turn up this side of Mexico. Wire taps on any phone he might call. There is not a whiff of him. Now, my guess is he's smart enough to know it's not in the Salamanca family interest to take you out without a reason the bosses can get behind. So, the odds are he's searching for Varga. Finds him alive, gets him to talk. ''[pause; Gus remains silent]'' Varga's alone in foreign territory, no one he can trust. The kid's smart, but he's not gonna last. ''[Gus stands up]'' He's gonna get caught.
:''[Gus accidentally knocks a glass over and kneels down to pick up the shards from the floor]''
:'''Gus''': Continue.
:'''Mike''': The best way to handle this: I take four of our best guys, cross the border and track Varga down. Let me find him, bring him back before the Salamancas sweep him up. It's our only play.
:''[After cleaning up the broken glass, Gus throws it away and looks out a nearby window]''
:'''Gus''': ''[beat; in Spanish]'' Varga's father. Bring him here.
:'''Mike''': No. You're not doing that. ''[locks the door after Tyrus gets his gun out]'' You don't understand. That's not happening. 
:'''Tyrus''': ''[walks up to Mike and aims gun at him]'' Just say the word.
:'''Mike''': Whatever happens next... it's not gonna go down the way you think it is.
:''[Mike stares at Tyrus, who cocks his gun and waits for Mike to make a move.]''
:'''Mike''': ''[beat; hears cell phone vibrating]'' It's him.
:'''Tyrus''': Bullshit. I've been calling Varga for hours. He hasn't picked up once. 
:'''Mike''': He's been trying to get me since he left the Salamancas. ''[opens phone]'' You want me to answer it?
:''[Tyrus turns to Gus, who nods. Mike answers the phone and speaks to Nacho]''
:'''Mike''': Yeah. ''[pause]'' Yeah. ...Not my call. ''[pause]'' That's up to you. ''[to Gus]'' He wants to talk to you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Betsy:''' You used us &amp;ndash; us and our good name &amp;ndash; to character-assassinate Howard Hamlin. Somehow, some way, it benefits you to tear him down.
:'''Craig:''' Yeah. And we're&amp;ndash;we're mad.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay, yeah. I'm hearing a lot of unfounded accusations being tossed around. I don't know anything about schemes or character assassination or whatnot, but... ''[clears throat]'' if you're feeling slighted, we can make it right. ''[Jimmy hands Betsy a bundle of cash]''
:'''Betsy:''' Money? ''[scoffs]'' Money's not gonna take care of this.
:'''Jimmy:''' Money takes care of everything. Isn't that the motto stitched onto the Kettleman family crest?
:'''Betsy:''' We don't want money. 
:'''Jimmy:''' I am non-plussed. I'm guessing you want something.
:'''Betsy:''' Do what you promised.
:'''Jimmy:''' Do what I what?
:'''Betsy:''' Exonerate Craig. Get his good name back. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Alright. Well, as you've been advised, for a number of reasons that's not gonna happen.
:'''Betsy:''' It ''is'' gonna happen. It is. It's... You're just gonna have to figure out a way.
:'''Craig:''' If anyone can do this, it's you.
:'''Betsy:''' I know you don't want us going to Howard Hamlin. Because whatever it is you're up to, I'm sure he would be ''very'' interested.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay, let's just go easy on the threats.
:'''Betsy:''' We want our lives back! The way they were before. ''Before.'' We lost everything! And we don't deserve any of this.
:'''Kim:''' Okay. Enough carrot. ''[clears throat]''
:''[Kim turns to the home phone next to her and begins to dial]''
:'''Craig:''' Dial 9 to get out.
:'''Kim:''' Oh, thank you.
:'''Betsy:''' ''[whispering; to Craig]'' We didn't give her permission to use the phone.
:'''Craig:''' ''[whispering; to Betsy]'' She needs to use the phone.
:'''Jimmy:''' Kim... ?
:''[The line connects; Kim speaks through the phone's speaker]''
:'''Receptionist:''' Internal Revenue Service, Albuquerque.
:'''Kim:''' Hi. Could you put me through to Justin Stangel in Criminal Investigations? 
:'''Receptionist:''' One moment, please.
:'''Betsy:''' ''[to Kim]'' What are you doing? Excuse me!
:'''Justin:''' This is Justin.
:'''Kim:''' Justin, Kim Wexler. How are you?
:'''Justin:''' Hey, Kim. Good to hear from you.
:'''Kim:''' How are Noreen and the boys?
:'''Justin:''' Oh, hanging in. Noreen always talks about having you by for dinner some time.
:'''Kim:''' We should do that. Tell her to call me. Listen, I was wondering who your CID officer is these days.
:'''Justin:''' You have something for us?
:'''Kim:''' Oh, I just might: Tax preparer fraud. A lot of it.
:'''Justin:''' I'm listening.
:'''Kim:''' Well, it's this, uh, run-down little mom-and-pop outfit I've had my eye on for a while. ''[chuckles]'' Don't ask me why. Clearly, I need to get a life. But from what I can glean, their clients always end up with smaller refunds than they deserve.
:'''Betsy:''' ''[whispering]'' Please don't do this.
:'''Justin:''' Do the clients sign over third-party authorization?
:'''Kim:''' Bingo. So what I'm thinking is, these creeps file legit returns with you guys, give the clients fake ones that show about half the proper amount, and then pocket the difference. 
:'''Justin:''' Classic scam. Well, I know just the guy to go after these dirtbags. Tony Oropallo. Real bulldog. I'll transfer you over.
:'''Kim:''' Such a big help, Justin.
:'''Justin:''' You got it. Talk soon.
:'''Betsy:''' You don't have to do this.
:'''Kim:''' ''[to Betsy]'' Don't I? Betsy... You'll probably get twenty-four months, maybe eighteen with good behavior. But Craig? You are a two-time loser. They will definitely make an example out of you. Each false return they discover will be a separate felony. What are we talking? A hundred?
:'''Betsy:''' Uh...
:'''Kim:''' Two-hundred? 
:'''Tony:''' ''[beat]'' CID, Anthony Oropallo speaking.
:''[Betsy runs to the phone and slams down the receiver to end the call]''
:'''Betsy:''' Please. We'll do anything. Just tell us.
:'''Kim:''' ''[beat]'' Why would I believe ''you?'' Huh?
:'''Craig:''' Please. 
:'''Kim:''' ''[long pause]'' First. First, you contact every person you've ripped off. Tell them you made an accounting error, tell them you're crooks who had a change of heart, I don't care. Give them what they are legally owed. Everything you stole. And then after that, you're going to forget you ever heard the name Howard Hamlin. I'm keeping my eye on both of you. You think you've lost everything? ''You have no idea.''
:''[Kim leaves the room with Jimmy while the Kettlemans stand shellshocked, on the verge of tears]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy:''' [[w:Inflatable (Better Call Saul)|Wolves and sheep]].
:'''Kim:''' Huh?
:'''Jimmy:''' ...Nothing.

=== ''[[w:Rock and Hard Place|Rock and Hard Place]]'' [6.03] ===
:''[Nacho calls his father from an auto shop while on the run]''
:'''Manuel''': A-to-Z Fine Upholstery. Hello?
:'''Nacho''': Dad. It's me.
:'''Manuel''': Nacho?
:'''Nacho''': ''Si'', Papa. ''Hola''.
:'''Manuel''': ''[sighs]'' ''Hola, hijo.'' ''[in Spanish]'' How are you?
:'''Nacho''': ''[in Spanish]'' Good, good. Um... just wanted to hear your voice.
:'''Manuel''': Nacho, where are you? You sound strange.
:''[pause]''
:'''Nacho''': It's not important.... I was just checking in, that's all.
:'''Manuel''': Okay. ''Hijo'', I have lots of work to do. We've been through this, so many times. You know what you have to do... go to the police.
:'''Nacho''': Yes, Papa. I understand... I hear you.
:''[pause]''
:'''Manuel''': What else is there to say? Hmm? Goodbye, ''hijo''.
:'''Nacho''': ''[choked up]'' Goodbye, Papa.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Nacho calls Mike at an auto repair shop in Mexico while on the run from the Salamancas]''
:'''Mike''': Yeah.
:'''Nacho''': It's me.
:'''Mike''': Yeah.
:'''Nacho''': You knew. You knew that I was going to Mexico to die, that I was never supposed to make it out of that motel. And you let it happen.
:'''Mike''': Not my call.
:'''Nacho''': What happens now?
:'''Mike''': That's up to you. 
:'''Nacho''': Is that bastard with you? Put him on.
:'''Mike''': Hmm. ''[to Gus]'' He wants to talk to you.
:'''Gus''': ''[takes cell phone from Mike; to Nacho]'' Yes.
:'''Nacho''': You are screwed. ''[pause]'' You want the cartel to blame me for Lalo. But if they catch me, and make me talk? ''Ooh...'' That is not good for you, is it? Even if I disappear, everyone's gonna smell your stink all over it. The only way that this works for you is with me dead. ''[beat]'' Alright. Whatever bullshit way you want the story to go, I will make it go. But... I need one thing. 
:'''Gus''': Yes?
:'''Nacho''': My dad. I need to know that he will be safe.
:'''Gus''': If you are true to your word, there will be no reason for anyone to harm your father.
:'''Nacho''': ''You'' are not the one that I need to hear it from.
:''[Gus puts the phone on speaker so Mike can speak to Nacho]''
:'''Mike''': Your dad's gonna be okay.
:'''Nacho''': How do you know?
:'''Mike''': Because anyone who goes after him is gonna have to come through me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Huell sit in a car; Jimmy pays Huell for duplicating the keys to Howard's Jaguar]''
:'''Huell:''' Can I ask you sum'n?
:'''Jimmy:''' Sure, go ahead.
:'''Huell:''' Personal, kind of.
:'''Jimmy:''' Okay. What?
:'''Huell:''' You're a lawyer. You make good money, right?
:'''Jimmy:''' Good days and bad, but yeah.
:'''Huell:''' Legit money, on the level.
:'''Jimmy:''' Yeah, so?
:'''Huell:''' Your wife's a lawyer. A legit lawyer.
:'''Jimmy:''' Yeah.
:'''Huell:''' Why you do all this? 
:'''Jimmy:''' Oh, I got you. I&amp;ndash;I know from the outside that this looks like just another scam, but you're not seeing the bigger picture. Couple months from now, there are people whose lives are gonna be way better. Because of this. We're making a real difference. Trust me. We're doing the Lord's work here. 
:'''Huell:''' ''Hmph''. If you say so.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': What's going on?
:'''Kim''': I have news, Jimmy. Lalo is dead.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[exhales deeply]'' Holy shit. 
:'''Kim''': The DA's office put it together that Lalo was calling himself De Guzman. They are pretty upset they let him go.
:'''Jimmy''': I'll bet they are.
:'''Kim''': Ericsen seems to think that if Lalo lied to you and you didn't know about the pseudonym, that you could break confidentiality. She wants you to talk. She says it's right.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, what do you think we should do?
:'''Kim''': You... should do whatever you want, Jimmy. They don't have anything on you. It's just a fishing expedition to see if you bite.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' You think I should do it?
:'''Kim''': It depends.  
:'''Jimmy''': On what?
:'''Kim''': Well... ''[sighs]'' I guess it's basically... Do you want to be a friend of the cartel or... do you want to be a rat?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Nacho is driven to a remote location with Gus, Tyrus and Victor. There they meet Juan Bolsa, Hector Salamanca, and the Cousins. Bolsa kneels next to Nacho.]''
:'''Bolsa:''' Today, you are going to die. But there are good deaths, and there are bad deaths. Tell me what I need to know, I'll see that your death is a good one. Who put you up to this?
:''[Nacho glances at Gus, as if he's about to turn on him]''
:'''Bolsa:''' One last chance. ''Who?'' ''[long pause; scoffs and gets up to leave]''
:'''Nacho:''' It was Alvarez. Los Odios, out of Peru. They paid me to set up your nephew. And I did.
:''[Hector furiously rings his bell and attempts to point to Gus, who he knows is the real culprit]''
:'''Bolsa:''' Alvarez, we know. Los Odios, we know. Was anyone else involved?
:'''Nacho:''' ''[scoffs; nods to Gus]'' Him? You think the chicken man? ''Heh.'' What a joke. Alvarez has been paying me for years &amp;ndash; ''years''. ''[to the Salamancas]'' But you know what? I would have done it for free. Because I hate every last one of you psycho sacks of shit. I opened Lalo's gate, and I would do it again. And I'm glad what they did to him. He's a soulless pig, and I wished I'd killed him with my own hands. And you know what else, Hector? I put you in that chair. Oh, yeah. Your heart meds? I switched them for sugar pills. You were dead and buried, and I had to watch ''this'' asshole... ''[gestures to Gus]'' ...bring you back. So when you are sitting in your shitty nursing home and you're sucking down on your Jell-O night after night for the rest of your life, ''you think of '''me,''' you twisted fuck.''

=== ''[[w:Hit and Run (Better Call Saul)|Hit and Run]]'' [6.04] ===
:'''Jimmy:''' What kind of asshole moves a cone?!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': So, I pull the Jag into the loading zone. And I start scrappin' with this hunk of metal. It was in deep—like, &quot;down a well&quot; deep—so I just... wrassled it! UGH! ''[Kim laughs hysterically]'' Like a freakin' bear, and I jam it in the dirt in front of the Jag! Boom! Barely made it out of there with the skin of my teeth. ''Who moves cones?'' Who does that?
:'''Kim''': Narcissists.
:'''Jimmy''': Heh, you're damn right. So you think Cliff really bought it, huh?
:'''Kim''': One hundred percent! You should've seen his face. It landed, trust me. God, it was... beautiful. ''[pause]'' Oh, and that is not all. 
:'''Jimmy''': Spill.
:'''Kim''': So... I'm doing the stall. I'm telling Cliff what I'm doing—what I wanna be doing. All I'm thinking is, I gotta stretch this out until you get there, but then... I don't know. I... kinda got caught up in it, and then... Cliff went for it. I mean, like, ''really'' went for it.
:'''Jimmy''': What does that mean? Like, money?
:'''Kim''': I don't think he'll write a check himself, but he knows people. And I think he'll deliver.
:'''Jimmy''': You're kidding! 
:'''Kim''': I know! How great is that?
:'''Jimmy''': This is unbelievable. ''[Kim laughs]'' Are we on a roll, or are we on a roll? Jeez! 
:'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' You ever feel like you're being followed? ''[pause]'' When I dropped Wendy off at the motel, she thought she was being watched by some undercover cops. But then when I drove away... that same car was behind ''me.'' Right after I spotted them, they disappeared.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, you know what they say: The wicked flee where no man pursueth. 
:'''Kim''': ...You think we're wicked?
:'''Jimmy''': No. What? ''[chuckles]'' It's just a turn of phrase. I think you're wicked hot. ''[pause]'' Alright. Listen to the voice of experience, okay? You know why you're feeling like this? Because we got away with it. It seems too good to be true, but trust me. Nobody is following you. ''[takes Kim's hand]'' No one knows what we're doing except for us. Okay?
:'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' Okay.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy confronts Bill Oakley at the courthouse when he notices his colleagues' cold treatment of him]''
:'''Jimmy''': What the hell is going on?! How come everyone's treating me like I'm covered in oozing pus sores?
:'''Bill''': I liked you better when you were just a regular bottom feeder. But this?
:'''Jimmy''': This? What is, &quot;this?&quot;
:'''Bill''': I understand advocating for your client. Deep in my heart, I get it. But you scammed the court. You scammed the judge, and for what? To get a murdering cartel psychopath back out on the street? It's just... wrong.
:'''Jimmy''': That's a lot of big talk, Bill. Prove it. Prove it, Bill!
:'''Bill''': There's proving, and then there's knowing. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Mike''': They're gone.
:'''Kim''': I'm sorry?
:'''Mike''': The two men that were following you. They're gone.
:'''Kim''': Do I know you?
:'''Mike''': Would you mind sitting for a moment, and I will answer any questions I can. ''[pause; Kim sits down next to Mike]'' I have men watching you and your husband. I'm not with the police, and as far as I know, they're not investigating either of you. I ''do'' know that you've been up to a few things that you probably would rather keep private. I don't care. That's not what this is about. I'm trying to solve a problem of my own. 
:'''Kim''': What problem?
:'''Mike''': Lalo Salamanca.
:'''Kim''': Lalo Salamanca's dead. ''[beat; Mike says nothing and stares at Kim]'' He... isn't.
:'''Mike''': We're watching anyone he might contact. That includes you and your husband. Most likely, he'll never reach out. He's got bigger fish to fry. But in the thousand to one chance that he does...
:'''Kim''': And who do you work for?
:'''Mike''': I said I would answer anything I can. 
:'''Kim''': ''[long pause]'' [[w:Bagman (Better Call Saul)|You're the guy from the desert]]. The one who was out there with Jimmy. Why are you telling me this and not him?
:'''Mike''': Because I think you're made of sterner stuff. ''[pause; gets up]'' Alright. Now here's what's best for everyone. You spot my guys again—which I'm hoping you won't—let them go about their business. Just pretend they're not there. And pretty soon, they won't be. You and your husband just... go on living your lives. ''[starts to leave]''
:'''Kim''': I do know you. You worked in the parking booth at the courthouse. ''[pause]'' You were the attendant.
:'''Mike''': ...I was.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kim meets Jimmy at a strip mall where an office space is available for lease]''
:'''Kim''': What are we doing here?
:'''Jimmy''': Take a look. What do you think?
:'''Kim''': About what?
:'''Jimmy''': My new office. Potentially. Come on.
:''[They both peer through the storefront windows of the office, which is empty except for a lone toilet]''
:'''Kim''': Huh.
:'''Jimmy''': Mrs. Nguyen kicked me to the curb.
:'''Kim''': What? Why?
:'''Jimmy''': It's a long story, but upshot is she wants me out of there with extreme prejudice.
:'''Kim''': Wow. Bad day, huh?
:'''Jimmy''': Well, no. It was a... great day. With actual paying clients. The word is out! People were throwing cash retainers at me just to say Saul Goodman is their lawyer.
:'''Kim''': Because of who you represented.
:'''Jimmy''': Well, I mean, that's part of it. But the bottom line is I need a new place for new business pronto. Now, this place is a shithole, but the price is right. And I think I can talk the landlord into a month-to-month. So, it's temporary until I find something better. ''[sighs; pause]'' Hey. What do you think?
:'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' It's small. It's... dirty. And this whole place smells funny. ''[pause]'' But the courthouse is five blocks away. You can't get to MDC without driving past. Parking is good, bail bond row isn't far, and uh... Taco Cabeza is just around the corner. Might be a diamond in the rough. Just promise me... you won't move the toilet.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[chuckles]'' There it is. Alright. Uh... speaking of Taco Cabeza.
:'''Kim''': I'm starving. Let's do it.

=== ''[[w:Black and Blue (Better Call Saul)|Black and Blue]]'' [6.05] ===
:''[Cliff informs Howard about witnessing Jimmy throw Wendy out of Howard's car]''
:'''Howard:''' I threw a woman out of my car? In the middle of the street? And I&amp;ndash;''zip''&amp;ndash;I just drive right past you? I... That's what you're saying? I-I-I don't even... I don't know how to respond to that.
:'''Cliff:''' I'm not asking you to respond. I just need you to know that ''I'' know. 
:'''Howard:''' It wasn't me, Cliff. Whoever you think you saw&amp;ndash;
:'''Cliff:''' Yeah, sorry, but that's the kind of thing my son used to say. It was your Jaguar, your &quot;Namaste&quot; plate. It was you! Howard, there's no harm in asking for help. You got a lot of people in your corner.
:'''Howard:''' So there's the-the baggie at the county club.
:'''Cliff:''' Yes.
:'''Howard:''' After that, some clients&amp;ndash;who you can't name because of privilege&amp;ndash;make insinuations. Then on Thursday, you have a business meeting and you witness a Jaguar speeding past. ''[beat]'' Who were you meeting with?
:'''Cliff:''' Not sure why that's germaine, but... Kim Wexler. She came to me for career advice.
:''[Howard's face becomes awash with realization]''
:'''Howard:''' ''Mmm.'' All right. ''[pause]'' Okay. ''[takes out his cell phone]'' Of course. ''[scoffs]'' Of course. ''[to Cliff]'' Cliff, I know this wasn't easy for you. You came to me as a friend. I appreciate it.
:'''Cliff:''' You can start today, Howard.
:'''Howard:''' Oh, I will. Because you're right, I ''do'' have a problem. Just not the problem you think. I have a Jimmy McGill problem.
:'''Cliff:''' Jimmy McGill?!
:'''Howard:''' You'll have to excuse me.
:'''Cliff:''' Howard!
:'''Howard:''' ''[to his secretary on the phone]'' Julie. Cancel my week. Yes, my whole week. 
:'''Cliff:''' Howard!
:''[Howard climbs into his Jaguar and drives away]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy walks into a boxing club and sees Howard, who pretended to be a potential client named &quot;Mr. Ward&quot;]''
:'''Howard''': Hello, Jimmy.
:'''Jimmy''': Mr. Ward, I presume. As in... H.O. Ward. That is really cute, Howard. So, wait. That means that you're the guy who shanked some dude in a rumble near Central Pen. ''[sighs]'' That's—that's very street of you. 
:'''Howard''': I thought it sounded like a Saul Goodman kind of case.
:'''Jimmy''': ...Alright, so what are we doing here? 
:'''Howard''': I'm tired, Jimmy. You and me, us. I'm tired of this. Aren't you? It's exhausting. ''[points at boxing ring behind him]'' Let's punch it out.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[chuckles]'' Are you kidding?
:'''Howard''': Dead serious. Hoping you might get it out of your system. Do I think it'll work? ''[shrugs]'' I don't know. Call it a Hail Mary. I have the gear, I rented the ring. It's just you and me... ''[points at the man standing behind Jimmy]'' and Macky to ref. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' I am sorry, but have you lost your mind?
:'''Howard''': Actually, I'm as clear-headed as I've ever been in my life. You didn't even try to hide your tracks. The baggie of drugs at the country club, the clients you sent to discredit me, ''another'' prostitute.
:'''Jimmy''': Okay, once again as usual, I—
:'''Howard''': Please. I could go on. All roads lead back to you. It's Psych 101. You want to get caught. 
:'''Jimmy''': So what? Is this like pistols at dawn?
:'''Howard''': I'm trying to give you what you want. 
:'''Jimmy''': What I want? I don't... I think this is what ''you'' want. You wanna beat the shit out of me? Legally? 
:'''Howard''': I think you can hold up your end. You must've gotten into a few good scrapes in your old neighborhood. 
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, right. I could've been a contender. 
:'''Howard''': Indulge me. Let's see what we see. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[pause; smiles]'' Thanks for the laughs. ''[chuckles]'' &quot;Mr. Ward.&quot; 
:''[Jimmy laughs and starts to walk out, but stops. He and Howard are seen suited up with boxing gloves as they begin their fight. They both land a few punches on each other, but Howard eventually knocks Jimmy down]'' 
:'''Howard''': ''[to Jimmy]'' You've mistaken my kindness for weakness. I like to think that tonight made a difference. I like to think that this ends it. ''[pause; shakes his head]'' Probably not.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': I should've left Howard standing there like a yutz. Instead I let him suck me into his game. Why did I do that?
:'''Kim''': You had your reasons. 
:'''Jimmy''': I did? Like what?
:'''Kim''': Because... you know. 
:'''Jimmy''': I know...?
:'''Kim''': ''[holds Jimmy's hand]'' You know what's coming next.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo has travelled to Germany using an alias, and meets Margarethe, Werner's widow, at a bar]''
:'''Margarethe''': I knew his work was dangerous. I never imagined such a thing, but... I suppose I try not to. 
:'''Lalo''': That is terrible. What kind of accident was it?
:'''Margarethe''': A cave-in.
:'''Lalo''': Cave-in?
:'''Margarethe''': He was able to save his men. He got them out, but then... the structure collapsed.
:'''Lalo''': So your husband was a hero.
:'''Margarethe''': ''[smiles]'' He would never accept that. My Werner was too humble.
:'''Lalo''': ...And what were they building there?
:'''Margarethe''': My husband didn't talk much about his work. It was very secretive. 
:'''Lalo''': Oh... I'm sure he must have told you something. 
:'''Margarethe''': The lawyers came to my house. I asked questions, they wouldn't say much.
:'''Lalo''': ''[shakes his head]'' Lawyers.
:'''Margarethe''': They went through Werner's things. Took anything that they called, uh... Oh, how do you say it? ''[pause]'' Proprietary? I'm sorry, my English is—
:'''Lalo''': Oh, it's excellent. 
:'''Margarethe''': I didn't care about it. All the boxes of folders, his papers. Why do I need all that stuff?
:'''Lalo''': And what about your husband's men? I mean, they must have said something to you.
:'''Margarethe''': Werner loved ''deine jungs''—his boys—but I never even met them. 
:'''Lalo''': What do you mean? Not even at the funeral?
:'''Margarethe''': You'd think they would want to pay respect to the man who saved their lives. They sent flowers, keepsakes, and so on... but not one of them showed his face. 
:'''Lalo''': Wow. That is... ''[sighs]'' It's just not right.

=== ''[[w:Axe and Grind | Axe and Grind]]'' [6.06] ===
:''[Casper, one of Werner's former workers, spots Lalo approaching his home while chopping wood]''
:'''Lalo''': ''Guten tag!''
:'''Casper''': ''Guten tag.'' ''[in German]'' This is private property. Who are you looking for? Are you lost?
:'''Lalo''': ''[in English]'' Yeah, sorry. I don't speak any German!
:'''Casper''': ''[in English]'' Are you lost?
:'''Lalo''': It's a beautiful place you have here. The air, it's just so... ''fresh!''
:'''Casper''': ...Do I know you?
:'''Lalo''': Well, I don't think we've ''officially'' met-
:''[Casper grabs his axe and runs inside a nearby wooden shed while Lalo draws his gun. Lalo searches when he's suddenly dropped by a blow from Casper]''
:'''Casper''': Who are you?! '''''Who are you?!'''''
:'''Lalo''': ''[strained]'' Ed-Eduardo... Salamanca! I'm not here for you... This is about Fring. Guh- I want to know... I want to know what he's building.
:'''Casper''': How did you find me?
:'''Lalo''': Ma- Marga... M-Margarethe Z-Ziegler.
:'''Casper''': What have you done to her?!
:'''Lalo''': Nothing, nothing. You sent her a gi- a gift. ''[pulls out a business card and shows it to Casper]''
:'''Casper''': ''Was ist das?''
:''[Lalo's hidden a razor blade behind the card. He springs up and cuts Casper's face, then grabs his axe and cuts his foot off]''
:'''Lalo''': ''[cheerfully] Carajo!'' I think you broke one of my ribs! ''[tosses Casper his belt]'' Here. Tie that off... before you bleed to death. ''You and I are gonna have a '''talk.'''''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy''': Holy shit! The Jackson Mercer Foundation, that's like... the good housekeeping seal of approval.
:'''Kim''': Well, it's not a done deal. Some of the foundation board members are flying in next week to meet the lieutenant governor at a luncheon in Santa Fe, so... they are inviting a select group of people with... Cliff called them, &quot;up-and-coming organizations,&quot; and uh... Yeah. Cliff thinks I have a good shot. 
:'''Jimmy''': A good shot? You have more than a shot! They are gonna love you on sight!
:'''Kim''': The only thing is the lunch is on D-Day.
:'''Jimmy''': So, what? That's—You don't have to be there on the day! Was Eisenhower on Omaha Beach? No. Kim, this is great, right? It's ''huge!''
:'''Kim''': ...It is pretty great! ''[laughs]''
:'''Jimmy''': Kim, this is fantastic! ''[kisses Kim]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy has Francesca call HHM and pose as a relative of a Sandpiper resident to get details about the upcoming mediation]''
:'''Jimmy''': What is the hold up?
:'''Francesca''': I just... I don't know if I'm comfortable. Is this even legal?
:'''Jimmy''': I'm sorry, which one of us went to law school? Because I can stand here and go through the ins and outs of what's quote-unquote legal with you, but we're on the clock.
:'''Francesca''': I just don't—
:'''Jimmy''': Francesca, let's get something straight, okay? We can't be holding a graduate seminar in constitutional law every time I give you something to do.
:'''Francesca''': But I—I'm not sure if—
:'''Jimmy''': You know what I'm paying you? It is above market. To whom much is given, much is expected! ''[takes out cell phone and starts dialing a number]''
:'''Francesca''': We're not gonna make a habit of this?
:'''Jimmy''': Of course not! Absolutely not. No, no, no. ''[gives phone to Francesca]'' Put it on speaker and let me... ''[moves closer]''
:'''HHM Employee #1''': Hamlin Hamlin McGill.
:'''Francesca''': Hi... there. I'm calling because my—my mother is... is—Well, I guess she's a—a client of yours. She lives in, uh, Sandpiper Assisted Living.
:'''HHM Employee #1''': Sandpiper, of course. Let me transfer you.
:'''Jimmy''': ''[to Francesca while she's on hold]'' It's just a phone call. 
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Good afternoon. Do you have a question about the Sandpiper case?
:'''Francesca''': ''[waits for Jimmy to nod]'' Yes. My mother's out of the facility in Amarillo. Says she's supposed to call in to some meeting on Thursday?
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Yes, you're talking about the mediation?
:'''Francesca''': That's it. The thing is, she's lost her dial-in instructions. ''[sighs nervously]'' I'm just looking everywhere and can't find them.
:'''HHM Employee #2''': I'd be happy to help you with that. It's very important to us that all the class members are fully looked in. What's your mother's name?
:'''Francesca''': ''[Tells name mouthed by Jimmy]'' Uh, Marnie Stuber. ''[watches Jimmy form the letters as she spells aloud]'' That's–that's S-T-U-B-E-R. ''[sighs nervously again when Jimmy forces her to smile]'' Oh, bless your heart. She'll be so relieved!
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Okay, it's very simple. The meeting is happening at our offices. So she just has to call the main line—the same number you called just now—press 7, and then enter the passcode. I can give that to you now. Do you have a pen?
:'''Francesca''': Uh... ''[Jimmy quickly takes out a pen]'' Y–yeah, I'm ready.
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Okay. It's 8-4-2-1-5-9. ''[Jimmy writes the numbers on his hand]'' 
:'''Francesca''': 8-4-2-1-5-9?
:'''HHM Employee #2''': That's right.
:'''Francesca''': Okay! Uh, thank you so much. Really appreciate it.
:'''HHM Employee #2''': Of course, take care. 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[hangs up immediately]'' Was that so hard?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy sees the real Rand Casimiro at a liquor store wearing a cast that was not shown in the fake photos he shot earlier. He bolts out of there and gets in his car before being seen by the judge.]''
:'''Jimmy''': FUCK! ''[bangs on steering wheel and chuckles nervously before dialing Kim on his cell phone]''
:''[Cut to Kim driving on the highway to Santa Fe.]'' 
:'''Kim''': &quot;Ultimately, it's about equal justice, a system that works for everyone. A justice system that works for everyone, and what is more important than that?&quot; ''[hears phone ringing and answers it]'' Hey, Jimmy.
:'''Jimmy''': Flag on the play! You're not gonna believe this, but I just ran into Casimiro—the real one.
:'''Kim''': Oh, God.
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, and before you ask, he didn't shave his mustache. ''He broke his arm.'' 
:'''Kim''': Are you serious?
:'''Jimmy''': The guy has a giant cast on his left arm! And I checked all the pictures and you can see his arm in every single one of them! No cast, clear as day! 
:'''Kim''': Shit! SHIT!
:'''Jimmy''': I KNOW! I '''KNOW!''' Uh... But, hey. Hey, hey, look at it this way: If I hadn't seen him... I mean, that would've really—that really could've sunk us. Right? So, we're gonna pull the plug and we are going to live to fight another day.
:'''Kim''': ...What other day? 
:'''Jimmy''': Well, we'll figure it out. I promise, okay? So, just go. Just do your thing in Santa Fe, and we'll regroup when you get home tonight. ''[beat; Kim says nothing]'' Kim? Kim, you still there? 
:'''Kim''': Yes.
:'''Jimmy''': Did you hear what I said?
:'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' It happens today. 
:''[Kim quickly turns around and starts driving back to Albuquerque.]''

=== ''[[w:Plan and Execution | Plan and Execution]]'' [6.07] ===
:''[An intern at HHM, Cary, drops soda cans when he sees Howard setting up the conference room for the Sandpiper mediation]''
:'''Cary''': Uh, excuse me, Mr. Hamlin! I-I was told I should restock the fridge before the meeting.
:'''Howard''': No worries. Here, let me give you a hand.
:'''Cary''': Thank you!
:'''Howard''': Uh, you're... Gary?
:'''Cary''': Cary! Anderson.
:'''Howard''': Mm... of course. Cary. ''[sees Cary stocking the fridge with the dropped cans]'' Cary, what happens when you drop or shake a can of soda?
:'''Cary''': ...Right. ''[mimes explosion]'' I'm sorry, I'm, uh...
:'''Howard''': Here, let me show you a little trick. ''[picks up and spins a soda can]'' Something about the centrifugal force pulls the bubbles from the inside of the can, stops it from exploding. Don't want our clients to get a surprise now, do we?
:'''Cary''': That works?
:''[Howard opens the can without incident and takes a sip]''
:'''Cary''': Alright!
:'''Howard''': You know who taught me that trick? ''[points at the picture of Chuck in the conference room]'' He used to do it. Had a habit - anytime he opened a can, almost unconsciously. I asked him about it once... just his way of being prepared for anything, accidental or otherwise. 
:'''Cary''': Um, I'm sorry, I'm... kinda new here. I- I have to ask, who is that?
:'''Howard''': Charles McGill. The &quot;M&quot; in HHM. Greatest legal mind I ever knew.
:'''Cary''': Wow! I hope someone says that about me someday.
:'''Howard''': Well... maybe there are more important things.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Howard, Cliff, and the rest of the parties in the Sandpiper mediation are in the HHM conference room; Rand Casimiro is seated at the head of the table; Jimmy and Kim listen in on the meeting through a disposable cell phone in Saul Goodman's office]''
:'''Rand Casimiro:''' Hello. I know we're all anxious to get things started but you'll have to suffer through my traditional spiel, unfortunately. My name is Rand Casimiro, and I am your mediator for these proceedings. Now, I'm happy to be here. But at the end, hopefully all of you in the room and those listening from various locations ''won't'' be happy with me. And why do I say that? Because the best solutions mean compromise. It's compromise from both sides. That's my goal. But as my wife always says, compromising doesn't mean I'm right and she's wrong. ''[chuckles]'' So, let us move forward—
:'''Howard:''' ''Hmph.''
:''[Everyone in the conference room turns to Howard]''
:'''Cliff:''' ...Howard?
:'''Howard:''' I-I'm... Wow. ''[pause]'' I'm... I'm sorry. I don't think we can proceed with these negotiations today.
:'''Rich:''' Why not?
:'''Howard:''' Well, let's just say, circumstances beyond any of our control.
:'''Rich:''' Well, I'm going to have to insist that you be more specific.
:'''Howard:''' Well, our mediator here keeps using the word &quot;compromise&quot; when ''he'', in fact, is compromised.
:'''Casimiro:''' I beg your pardon?
:'''Howard:''' I think you heard me.
:'''Cliff:''' Howard...?
:'''Howard:''' You drive a silver Miata, correct? 
:'''Casimiro:''' I do.
:'''Howard:''' And this morning, around 7 a.m., you walked across Trumbull Park in town?
:'''Casimiro:''' No. 
:'''Howard:''' You didn't stop at the park this morning?
:'''Casimiro:''' I didn't. I got to Albuquerque early, not at 7 a.m. And I didn't go to a park.
:'''Howard:''' You sure?
:'''Cliff:''' Howard, if the judge says he's sure, then I&amp;ndash;
:'''Casimiro:''' Of course I'm sure! If it matters, I arrived in town about ten, I stopped at a gas station, I went by a liquor store and bought a gift. I had a lunch salad and a very nice latté from the Flying Star on Menaul. I read ''[[w:Barron's_(newspaper)|Barron's]]''. Then came here.
:'''Howard:''' ''Mmmm''. So you weren't in town to visit our mutual acquaintance, James Morgan McGill? Or maybe you know him as &quot;Saul Goodman&quot;. 
:'''Casimiro:''' I don't know anyone by either of those names.
:'''Howard:''' Okay. You want to go that way? ''[to his secretary]'' Julie, go to my desk, please. There's an envelope with photos. Bring it to me quickly.
:'''Julie:''' Oh. Okay. ''[leaves]''
:'''Cliff:''' Howard, can we have a sidebar&amp;ndash;?
:'''Casimiro:''' I'm sorry. These photos &amp;ndash; these are photos of me? 
:'''Howard:''' They show exactly what I'm describing.
:'''Casimiro:''' You were following me?
:'''Howard:''' I had a private investigator following Jimmy McGill. You were photographed receiving what I estimate to be a $20,000 payoff this morning in the park.
:'''Rich:''' I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry. This is just&amp;ndash; ''[sighs; to Howard]'' You recommended this judge as a mediator and we agreed. And now... ''Jimmy?'' Jimmy McGill &amp;ndash; who originated this suit &amp;ndash; is ''what?'' 
:'''Howard:''' A-admittedly, it all sounds a bit baroque. But when you see the photos, things will be clearer.
:'''Casimiro:''' Well, I'm looking forward to that.
:''[long pause; Julie enters the room with the envelope]''
:'''Julie:''' I have the pictures, Mr. Hamlin. 
:'''Howard:''' Thank you, Julie. ''[opens the envelope]'' And now, take a look.
:''[Howard looks at the photos with Cliff, Schweikart, Casimiro, Irene and Julie looking behind him. Instead of an actor dressed as Casimiro as he had seen earlier, the photos show Jimmy sitting at a park bench exchanging a frisbee with the Sound Guy, dressed as a jogger]''
:'''Casimiro:''' ...Is that supposed to be ''me''?
:'''Howard:''' I, uh... This is... This is not... Julie, you got the wrong envelope.
:'''Julie:''' That was the only one on your desk.
:'''Howard:''' Look again!
:''[Julie leaves]''
:'''Howard:''' They-they've been switched. Somehow he switched them.
:'''Cliff:''' Howard...
:'''Howard:''' No. Jimmy &amp;ndash; he snuck in somehow, and these are not the pictures I saw.
:''[Howard turns to Erin, who notices that his pupils are now dilated]''
:'''Erin:''' Mr. Hamlin, are you all right? Your eyes...
:'''Howard:''' ''[agitated]'' I am fine! This is all something that will be sorted out, I am confident!
:''[Cliff rises and guides Howard out of his seat]''
:'''Cliff:''' I think a recess is in order.
:'''Howard:''' Nobody move! Evidence has been tampered with!
:'''Cliff:''' Now Howard, please!
:''[Howard and Cliff leave the conference room. Everyone left behind is stunned silent]''
:'''Irene:''' ...Is this how these usually go?

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Cliff confronts Howard in his office after the fiasco in the conference room]''
:'''Howard:''' Cliff? Is that you? I'm not crazy, and I'm not on drugs. Please, come in. Now somehow, some way, that son of a bitch gave me something that dilated my pupils. I-I don't know what. But it's wearing off already, look. ''[gestures toward his eyes]'' 
:'''Cliff:''' You say that Jimmy McGill drugged you? How is that possible?
:'''Howard:''' The-the photos. They were wet with... ''something''.
:'''Cliff:''' The missing photos.
:'''Howard:''' Yeah. My P.I., Genidowski, had to have been in on it. He-he must have shown me one set of photos and then switched them after I left the office. 
:'''Cliff:''' Howard...
:'''Howard:''' Three weeks ago, Julie got a call from our detective agency. They wanted to update their contact info, so of course she changed the number in the system. But it turns out, it wasn't them. That was Jimmy. So when I needed an investigator to follow Jimmy, I called his fake number and his fake man. She just dialed the old number and, of course, got the actual agency. And, no surprise, no one by the name of Genidowski had ever worked there. I hired a con man. I got played. Every step of the way. I know what it sounds like, but you have to believe me.
:'''Cliff:''' I... It doesn't matter. Rich went back to the previous offer. I'll give a recommend to the class that we take it.
:'''Howard:''' No. No way. We do not let Jimmy win this.
:'''Cliff:''' Why would Jimmy even do this? He's a profit participant! This means less money for him!
:'''Howard:''' Because he's a child! He wants his money now! He begged me months ago to settle! You know what he does!
:'''Cliff:''' Whatever the truth is, we'll never get back to where we were before mediation. We have to settle.
:'''Howard:''' I'm lead attorney. And I won't sanction that decision.
:'''Cliff:''' Then I'm obligated to go to the partners and explain everything I've seen &amp;ndash; all of it. You think you're gonna be able to convince them it was all Jimmy McGill?
:'''Howard:''' ...Okay then. We go to trial. Cliff, this case is incredibly strong. I put this thing in front of a jury, then everything will&amp;ndash;
:'''Cliff:''' I'm not thinking about you, Howard. I'm not thinking about Jimmy. I'm thinking about the time, the expense, the uncertainty. I'm thinking about our clients!
:''[Howard bows his head in defeat.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo records a video message for Eladio while he's hiding in the sewers surveilling Gus' laundromat. The dialogue switches between Spanish and English.]''
:'''Lalo''': Don Eladio. Guess who?  It's Lalo, I'm alive! ''[chuckles]'' I'm here in beautiful downtown Albuquerque. ''[pans the camera around his belongings]'' Been here... four nights? Now, you may be asking, &quot;What am I doing down in this shithole?&quot; Well, [[w:Axe and Grind|a little Croatian bird told me a secret]]. Eh, he put up a hell of a fight, but he told me. Look. ''[points the camera at his target, Lavanderia Brilliante]'' See that? Right there... Fring's secret. Now, I've been watching and Fring hides his guards very well, but they're there, dressed like laundry workers. ''[zooms in on one &quot;worker&quot;]'' See? That's one there. They're hiding guns under the uniforms, but I see. I have a pretty good idea of what I'm up against. ''[points the camera back at himself]'' I can tell you what's in there. A big hole where a German engineer, Werner Ziegler, designed the perfect place to hide the... ''[in English]'' &quot;mother of all meth labs.&quot; ''[in Spanish]'' Well, that's my story. And Fring? Fring will have his story, a good one, and Bolsa will back him because he's an... ''[in English]'' &quot;earner.&quot; ''[in Spanish]'' So tonight, I go in... kill all the guards and show you the proof. And then? You decide... ''Adios.''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Kim are watching a movie in Kim's apartment when they hear a knock at the door. It's revealed to be Howard, disheveled and holding a bottle of Macallan scotch whisky.]''
:'''Howard:''' Can I come in? 
:'''Jimmy:''' Yeah. Come on.
:'''Howard:''' Kim.
:'''Kim:''' Howard. You doing okay?
:'''Howard:''' I'm fine. Sorry to interrupt this, but I brought you a gift.
:'''Jimmy:''' A gift? What's the occasion?
:'''Howard:''' Your brother and I, we always had a meeting with Mr. Macallan after a big victory. Usually some brilliant summation by Chuck, that goes without saying. So this, this is for you. You earned it. You won.
:'''Jimmy:''' Won? Uh, what did I win?
:'''Howard:''' ''[pause]'' I get it. Of course you both have to play it this way. You're both so very good at it. 
:'''Kim:''' It's late, Howard. Do you want to tell us what this is about?
:'''Howard:''' I was wondering that too. ''[walks to the kitchen]'' What it's all about. I mean, what do you tell yourselves? What justification makes it okay? &quot;Howard's such an asshole that he deserves it?&quot; ''[offers two glasses to Jimmy and Kim]'' 
:'''Jimmy:''' We're good.
:'''Howard:''' So, what is it? I sided with Chuck too often? ''[points to Kim]'' I took away your office, put you in doc review? All of the above? Howard's daddy helped him get to the top, but you both had to struggle. &quot;Howie has so much and we have so little, let's take him down a peg or two.&quot; What allows you to do this to me? Because this isn't just a prank. No. This goes beyond [[w:Namaste (Better Call Saul)|throwing bowling balls on my car]]. This took planning, coordination. I mean, how many weeks? Or-or-or was it months? It couldn't have been easy. So tell me, why? Why go through this elaborate plot just to burn me to the ground?
:'''Jimmy:''' &quot;Burn you to the ground?&quot; Howard, come on. Y-you'll be fine. You always land on your feet.
:'''Howard:''' Yeah, sure. The Sandpiper settlement—HHM's share will be substantial, absolutely. Even though I humiliated myself. And my clients and peers will whisper that Howard Hamlin's a drug addict. You're right. I've worked my way through worse. Debt. Depression. My marriage falling apart.
:''[Jimmy blinks in surprise. He and Kim exchange looks]''
:'''Howard:''' Oh, yeah. Been sleeping in the guest house for the better part of a year. Just one more thing that good ol' Howard has to work through. But yes, I will land on my feet. I will be okay. But you? Far from it. You two... you two are soulless. Jimmy, you can't help yourself. Chuck knew it. You were ''born'' that way. ''[to Kim]'' But you—one of the smartest and most promising human beings I've ever known, and ''this'' is the life you choose. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Alright, you're too tight to drive, I'm calling a cab—
:'''Howard:''' Oh good, phony compassion. And you know what? Very, very believable. But I'm far from done.
:'''Kim:''' Oh no no no. You are done, Howard. Sorry, but you need to stop this now and you need to go home.
:'''Howard:''' You're perfect for each other. You have a piece missing. I-I-I thought you did it for the money, but it-it—Now it's so clear. Screw the money, you did it for fun! You get off on it! You're like [[w:Leopold and Loeb|Leopold and Loeb]], two sociopaths—
:'''Jimmy:''' Alright, that's enough.
:'''Howard:''' Oh, you know it's true, you just don't have the guts to admit it.
:'''Kim:''' Great. Now you need to go.
:'''Howard:''' I'm gonna make it clear to everyone, because I'm going to dedicate my life to making sure that everybody knows the truth. Believe it. You can't hide who you really are forever.
:''[Jimmy reflexively shields Kim as Lalo Salamanca enters the room; Jimmy is stunned]''
:'''Jimmy:''' How...
:''[Howard turns around and see Lalo, who non-chalantly stands next to him]''
:'''Kim:''' H-Howard... Howard. Howard, you need to leave.
:'''Howard:''' ''[to Lalo]'' Who are you?
:'''Lalo:''' Me? Nobody. I just need to talk to my lawyers.
:'''Howard:''' ''[scoffs]'' Oh, is that right? You want some advice? Find better lawyers.
:'''Kim:''' Howard, please j-just... just... just turn around—
:'''Lalo:''' No, no, no, no, no. Take your time.
:'''Howard:''' ''[to Kim]'' What's this about? 
:''[Lalo calmly takes a pistol out of his pocket and screws a silencer onto the muzzle]''
:'''Kim:''' ''[to Lalo]'' Please... please, just tell us what you want.
:'''Lalo:''' ''[shrugs]'' Like I said. To talk.
:'''Howard:''' I, uh... I think I'm in the middle of something, uh... There's really no need to—
:''[Lalo puts the gun to Howard's head and pulls the trigger; Howard falls onto the floor, killed instantly. Jimmy and Kim scream.]''
:'''Kim:''' ''Oh my God!''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Please, no!''
:'''Kim:''' ''Oh my God!''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''No! No!''
:'''Lalo:''' ''[holds out his hand to quiet them down]'' ''Shhhh, shhhh, shhhh, shhhh, shhhh.'' Okay. Let's talk.

=== ''[[w:Point and Shoot (Better Call Saul) | Point and Shoot]]'' [6.08] ===
:''[Jimmy and Kim are cowering in terror when Lalo forces them to sit on their couch]''
:'''Jimmy''': I never turned on you. I didn't. I only worked for you in the desert. I was on your side the whole time.
:'''Lalo''': Shhh. ''[motions for Jimmy to sit down with his gun]'' I don't care. You two... ''[chuckles; shakes his head]'' God, you two and your mouths! ''Dios mío!'' Now, ''you listen.'' ''[tosses car keys to Jimmy]'' My car's downstairs. Press the clicker, and you'll find it. This... ''[holds up small piece of paper]'' is where you are going. Don't speed, don't weave, don't cut anyone off. Just, you know, drive nice. From here, ''[checks watch]'' at this hour... I'd take 40 east, get off at Carlisle, take the third left. The rest I drew a little map for you on the back. It's not hard. So... big white brick house with a solid black door. You can't miss it. It's right at the end of the T. Park a little down the street and not up front. It's a quiet neighborhood, so you'll have plenty of options. Stating the obvious here maybe, but... turn the car off, right? So, in the glove compartment, I left you a present. There's a camera and there's a gun. And you're gonna need both.
:'''Jimmy''': A gun?
:'''Lalo''': Yeah, yeah, yeah. But don't worry. I mean, it's–it's easy. It's a revolver. It's already loaded, no safety—it's idiot proof. So, you go up to that house, you walk right up to that black door. Don't run. Just be casual like a stroll, you know? Keep the gun somewhere behind you where they can't see it. You ring the bell, you count to three, you step back. They look through the peephole, you're as innocent as can be. Door opens, you point... and you shoot. And you keep on pulling that trigger until it's empty. ''[pause]'' Simple. 
:'''Jimmy''': You–you want me to—?!
:'''Lalo''': I know, I know. ''[casually nudges Howard's dead body with his foot]'' You're a lawyer, and you're not a killer. But look, you can do this, okay? This guy, he's a housecat! Black, medium height, short hair, glasses! He kinda looks like a librarian... but don't be fooled. Even a housecat can scratch. So, that's it. Hard part's over. Now, you pull out the camera. Same principle as the gun: Point and shoot. Take a picture. One where I can see the face ''clearly''... and then you bring it back here where, me and Mrs. Goodman will be waiting for you. And then you're done! I'd say it's about a twenty minute drive over there... ''[Jimmy looks nervously at Kim]'' twenty minutes back. Maybe ten minutes to do the job. Let's go with an hour altogether. So, you're back here in an hour, or—
:''[Jimmy forcibly turns on the Saul Goodman charm]''
:'''Jimmy''': Send her.
:'''Kim''': ...What?! 
:'''Jimmy''': She should do it.
:'''Kim''': Jimmy...
:'''Lalo''': ''[pause]'' Why her? 
:'''Kim''': ''[whispers to Jimmy]'' Don't do this.
:'''Jimmy''': This guy, the–the housecat.
:'''Kim''': Jimmy, please.
:'''Jimmy''': He looks through his peephole... 
:'''Kim''': ''Please.''
:'''Jimmy''': ...in the middle of the night, and he sees me? &quot;Who's this asshole? What's he doing?&quot; Maybe–maybe he gets ''his'' gun, maybe he calls the cops. Either way, that door stays shut. But he sees a woman...
:'''Kim''': No.
:'''Jimmy''': ...she looks like she's in distress. Maybe her car broke down. ''[chuckles]'' I mean, you'd open the door for her, wouldn't you?
:'''Kim''': Stop! Stop!
:'''Lalo''': Yeah, but... she's really clever. I don't know if she's gonna stick to the plan.
:'''Jimmy''': She will.
:'''Kim''': No, no, no.
:'''Jimmy''': No cops. You know she will.
:'''Kim''': No. No, this... This doesn't even make any sense! I–I–I've never shot a gun before! I've never even held one!  
:'''Jimmy''': Like I have.
:'''Kim''': Jimmy, what are you doing?! 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[to Lalo while pointing at Kim]'' You know she's the best choice.
:'''Kim''': No, I'm not! I don't—I can't! I can't do it! 
:'''Jimmy''': ''[to Lalo]'' She can do it. You know she can do it!
:'''Kim''': No! Jimmy, I'll stay! Stop! Just stop! 
:'''Jimmy''': You know I'm right! Listen! 
:'''Kim''': Stop it! Shut up! 
:'''Jimmy''': Listen! 
:'''Kim''': SHUT UP!
:'''Lalo''': ''[rolls his eyes]'' Oh, my God! Okay, fine! Yeah, heard! Whatever. Give her the keys, give her the address, let's go. ''[walks toward the front door]'' 
:'''Kim''': ''[to Jimmy]'' No. Don't... Don't.
:'''Jimmy''': You... you gotta go.
:'''Kim''': ''[softly]'' Don't do this.
:'''Jimmy''': Come on. Hey... ''[whispering]'' Let's go.
:''[Kim reluctantly gets up and is about to leave the apartment when Lalo stops her]''
:'''Lalo''': Hold on. ''[pause; Kim looks at him]'' You're gonna need your shoes, right? 
:''[Kim stares at Jimmy while she puts her shoes on]'' 
:'''Lalo''': There you go! Okay, ''[looks at watch]'' so one hour starting... now. Clock's ticking, Mrs. Goodman.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo ties Jimmy to a chair while interrogating him about the assassination attempt at his hacienda]'' 
:'''Lalo''': You know, after I saw you last, I went home. My home. ''Mi cielito lindo''... And you know what happened? Men came. Armed men, in the middle of the night. To my home. Trying to get to me. And you know what they did? They killed people I care about. They killed my cook. My gardener. A seventeen-year-old kid I knew since he was knee-high, never hurt a fly. Butchered my housekeeper, Yolanda. ''Una viejita, cabrón.'' They shot her in the back. 
:'''Jimmy''': ...I'm sorry.
:'''Lalo''': Now, how did these men... get into my home? Do you know? 
:'''Jimmy''': I... I have–I have no idea.
:'''Lalo''': Ignacio Varga. ''He'' let them in. And who did Ignacio introduce me to? ''[taps Jimmy's head]'' You.
:'''Jimmy''': Ignacio... Nacho? ''[brief pause]'' Whoa, whoa, whoa! I–I barely know Ignacio! Whatever he did, he did alone! Not with me! Listen, you gotta believe me! Hand to God, I had no part in this—it wasn't me! ''It was '''Igna—''''' 
:''[Lalo sneaks up from behind and gags Jimmy with a rolled-up shirt]''
:'''Jimmy''': ''[through the gag]'' Ignacio! It's not me! Listen, listen! I–I don't know about...
:'''Lalo''': Save it. ''[looks Jimmy in the eyes]'' I'm gonna come back. And then you... are gonna tell me ''the whole story.''
:''[Lalo presses play on the movie Jimmy and Kim were watching earlier and turns up the volume. He picks up Jimmy's car keys by the front door.]''
:'''Lalo''': Ford Taurus... taupe? ''[rolls eyes and shakes his head before leaving the apartment]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mike disarms Kim and forces her inside Gus' house before she can shoot. Gus watches Mike question her through surveillance monitors at his neighbors' residence.]''
:'''Kim''': What are you doing?! I–I have to go! I have to—No, wait! 
:'''Mike''': Ms. Wexler, I'd like you to sit down.
:'''Kim''': He'll–He'll kill him! You have to... You—
:'''Mike''': Now, sit there and be calm!
:'''Kim''': No, I have to get back! ''I have to get back!''
:'''Mike''': ''[restrains Kim and forces her back down]'' Sit ''still''... and stay calm. Now, if you take a deep breath—a ''deep'' breath—nothing's gonna happen here until you calm yourself. Alright? Now, who is killing who?
:'''Kim''': Lalo Salamanca! Lalo is going to kill Jimmy! ''[Mike looks shocked]'' He's there! He–he is there with Jimmy now!
:'''Mike''': Salamanca is at your apartment?!
:'''Kim''': Yes! He sent ''me!'' He–he wanted to send Jimmy, but then he sent me.
:'''Mike''': To do what exactly?! ''[pause; Kim hyperventilates]'' Ms. Wexler, you stay with me! What were you supposed to do here?
:'''Kim''': ''[beat; points at a man who looks identical to Gus]'' Shoot him. I'm–I'm supposed to shoot him, and then take a photo, and then get back. That's it. I only have twenty minutes left! Please! ''[Mike quickly looks and nods at one of his guys]'' He is ''alone'' with him!
:'''Mike''': Alright, stay put. We'll handle this. We ''will'' handle this. ''[to Victor]'' You call Tyrus. Get him to the condo ''now.''
:'''Kim''': You said you were watching us! WHERE WERE YOU?! HUH?! ''[Mike leaves]'' '''WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!''' 
:''[Kim tries to get up, but Victor stands in her way and forces her to sit down again]'' 
:'''Victor''': You heard what the man said.
:''[Mike walks through the corridor connecting the two homes and reports to Gus.]''
:'''Mike''': You heard all that? ''[Gus nods]'' Alright. You hunker down here. ''[to two bodyguards]'' You two, you stay with him. A dog barks too loud, you are on the phone with me. ''[to Arthur and Tyrus]'' You two, come with me.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After growing restless over Lalo's whereabouts, Gus calls Victor and asks him to speak to Kim about Lalo]''
:'''Gus''': Why did Lalo send you?
:'''Kim''': Who is this? 
:'''Victor''': Answer him. ''[points behind him]''
:'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' He didn't want to send me. Not at first. He wanted to send my husband... but my husband talked him out of it because he wanted to get me out of there.
:'''Gus''': He... talked Lalo out of it?
:'''Kim''': That's right. ''[pause]'' Now that I've told you everything I know, please tell me. Tell me who—
:''[Gus hangs up the phone and looks at his bodyguards]'' 
:'''Gus''': Come with me. Both of you.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Lalo records another video message for Don Eladio while holding Gus at gunpoint at the laundromat. The dialogue is in Spanish.]''
:'''Lalo:''' Don Eladio, look who we have here. The one and only Gustavo Fring. ''[chuckles]'' And wearing body armor! Too bad they don't make armor for your head, eh? Now we're gonna take a little walk and show you around. ''Vamanos''. ''[clicks tongue]'' Don, I would've liked it if we didn't have to rush this so much. We could sit by your pool... strip this snake's skin off, inch by inch. Take our time, have some fun. But he shows up now... who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth? 
:''[Gus stops in front of a large washing machine.]''
:'''Lalo:''' A big machine hides a big secret. We have about... thirteen minutes until his bald ''gringo'' gets here with the cavalry, so Gustavo is going to have to give us the nickel tour. ''[beat; shoots Gus in the chest]'' Like I was saying, Gustavo is going to show us around. 
:''[Gus walks around and pushes a button, which opens the secret passage to the underground meth lab]'' 
:'''Lalo:''' ''Ha!'' Magnificent! I had a bathtub that did this, but... credit where credit is due, this is better. ''[laughs]'' ''Hijo de puta''. 
:''[Gus leads Lalo down a ladder and turns on the lights]''
:'''Lalo:''' ''[chuckles; in English]'' Okay. Drumroll, please. ''D-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r''... Ta-da! ''[laughs]'' ''Cadenza de wow'', no? ''[in Spanish]'' Don Eladio, I've heard some stories about this place. It took a bunch of German engineers ten months to build all of this. They used two hundred pounds of high explosive. Dug out 120,000 cubic meters of dirt and rock. And all... without disturbing the laundry up there. In the middle of a city with a million people! That's pretty badass, right? 
:''[Gus trips and falls to the ground when Lalo pushes his pistol against his back]''
:'''Lalo''': One moment, Don. ''[puts the camcorder between his teeth as he switches the magazines of his pistol]'' Think of the laboratory you could put here, Don Eladio. ''Eh?'' How much meth you could make... that was his plan. Cut you out to become boss. And now here we are, in this big hole! ''[cackles]'' Gustavo thought he was building an empire, but all he built himself was a tomb. 
:'''Gus:''' You can't kill me.
:'''Lalo:''' Why not?
:'''Gus:''' I haven't told that fat pig Eladio what I think of him yet. 
:'''Lalo:''' ''Hoo-hoo!'' Perfect! You've got one minute. 
:'''Gus:''' Eladio... you greasy, bloated pimp. You talk of honor. But you have none. A pack of stray dogs fighting for scraps has more honor. Jackals. That's all you are! No vision. No patience. No thought. Stupid and impulsive! That is how I did all this. You couldn't see it, couldn't even conceive of it. And you Salamancas... you're the worst vermin of all. You say you believe in &quot;blood for blood&quot; but you only understand blood for money! You're whores! ''[in English]'' I understand blood for blood. Hector? Yeah, I kept him alive. Kept him broken. I will save him to the last. Before he dies, he will know... '''''I''' buried every one of you.'' 
:'''Lalo:''' ''[sniggers]'' Big talk. You done?
:'''Gus:''' No. Not yet.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Jimmy:''' Lalo said he was coming back.
:'''Mike:''' He's not coming.
:'''Jimmy:''' No, he said he was, he told me—
:'''Mike:''' You understand me? He is ''not coming back.'' Let's sit. ''[pause; Jimmy and Kim remain standing]'' '''''SIT.'''''
:''[Jimmy and Kim sit at the foot of their bed; Mike stands in front of them.]''
:'''Mike:''' Alright. Here's what's gonna happen: In a few days, Howard Hamlin's car will be found several states away by the water. The odometer will have rolled to the exact number of miles it took to get there. There will be cocaine in the upholstery. That was the story you were setting up for this guy, yeah? They'll call it a suicide, hoping the body will come washing up. It never will. At some point, you're gonna hear about it. Someone calls you, someone at the courthouse mentions it—the moment that happens—you call the cops. His car was here for hours last night. Good chance somebody noticed it. That means you are the last people to see him alive. Cops are gonna want to hear from you. You tell the cops you saw him—he came here, seemed like maybe he was chemically altered, didn't make a lick of sense. Then he left, that's all you know. You keep telling the lie you've been telling. Now, Ms. Wexler tells me she has court at ten. What's on your docket? ''[Jimmy doesn't answer]'' Hey. ''Listen.'' Where do you need to be?
:'''Jimmy:''' Uh, office. At my office. Clients start showing up around 9:30. ''Oh'', my car is gone.
:'''Mike:''' No. It's on the way home, you'll have it when you need it. So you two are going to go about your day—normal, same as ever. Today, you're Meryl Streep and Laurence Olivier. No staring into space, nothing out of the ordinary, you ''cover.'' Anybody talks to you, it's just another day that ends in Y, that's all. When you get home, we'll be gone and everything will be back the way it was. Now, I need to impress upon you: none of this ever happened. None of it. Understand? Say it out loud, I need to hear it.
:'''Jimmy:''' ...I understand.
:'''Kim:''' ...It never happened.

=== ''[[w:Fun and Games (Better Call Saul) | Fun and Games]]'' [6.09] ===
:'''Jimmy''': One day, we'll... We'll wake up, and brush our teeth, and we'll go to work. And at some point, we'll suddenly realize... [[w:Bad Choice Road | that we hadn't thought about it at all. None of it]]. ''[pause]'' And that's when we'll know. We'll know we can forget.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Gus meets with Don Eladio, Juan Bolsa, and the Salamancas late at night. The dialogue is in Spanish.]''
:'''Eladio''': Don Hector has made a very serious accusation. 
:''[One of the Cousins hands a letter to Don Juan]'' 
:'''Bolsa''': These are Don Hector's words. Dictated to Leonel and Marco, letter by letter. &quot;The assault on my nephew's hacienda failed. Lalo fought the assassins and won. The day after the attack, Lalo called me. I heard the truth from his own lips. It was Fring who sent the mercenaries, not the Peruvians. We kept Lalo's survival a secret. My nephew was about to take his revenge on the traitor, face-to-face. Instead, he disappeared. It is the Chicken Man's doing. Don Eladio, look into Fring's eyes. There you will see the truth. The Chicken Man hates you. He is our enemy. He plots against us. I demand blood for blood.&quot;
:''[Bolsa folds the letter and sits back down]''
:'''Eladio''': Well, Gustavo?
:'''Gus''': ''[pause]'' I have no response.
:'''Bolsa''': Gustavo, you must speak. Have you no defense?
:'''Gus''': With all due respect, I don't believe this merits a response.
:'''Eladio''': Did you witness these phone calls from Lalo? ''[Leonel and Marco shake their heads]'' I was told you saw Lalo's body.
:'''Leonel''': Yes.
:'''Marco''': It was burned.
:'''Eladio''': Didn't the ''federales'' check the teeth?
:'''Bolsa''': Yes, Don Eladio. My brother tells me the dental records matched. 
:'''Eladio''': And that rat, Varga... What did he say before he died?
:'''Bolsa''': He said he was in the pay of the Peruvians, Los Odios. We know he took their money, we found bank statements.
:'''Eladio''': ''[beat; looks at his watch]'' Well... It's late. Don Hector... Since you've come a long way, tonight you sleep in my bed. ''[Hector angrily rings his bell repeatedly in protest]'' No, I insist. No arguing. I'm giving you my room. Very comfortable. And who knows? Maybe a couple of the girls will come to visit! ''[pause; Hector continues ringing his bell]'' Please. ''[Leonel and Marco carry Hector by his wheelchair and leave]'' Good night, Hector. Sleep well. ''[to Gus]'' I'd invite you to stay as well, Gustavo, but... I don't want my breakfast ruined by all the... ''[mocks Hector ringing his bell and laughs]'' Ay-yay-yay. ''[beat]'' The peace must be kept. What do you suggest?
:'''Gus''': I wouldn't presume.
:'''Eladio''': The South Valley will stay Salamanca territory. And the rest of the North, that'll be for you to manage. Working under Bolsa.
:'''Bolsa''': Thank you, Don Eladio.
:'''Gus''': ''[rises with Eladio out of his chair]'' Thank you. Your trust means everything, Don Eladio.
:'''Eladio''': ''Bueno.'' Gustavo... ''[long pause]'' When I looked into your eyes... Hate. A little bit's okay. As long as you never forget who's boss. 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mike meets with Nacho's father outside his shop to let him know about Nacho's fate]''
:'''Manuel''': Who are you?
:'''Mike''': It's not important.
:'''Manuel''': I saw you here before. [[w:Cobbler (Better Call Saul)|Chrysler Fifth Avenue]]. What about my son?
:'''Mike''': I'm sorry, he won't be found. ''[pause]'' It was over fast. No pain.
:'''Manuel''': You were there?
:'''Mike''': I was there. Your son made some mistakes, he fell in with bad people... but he was never like them. Not really. He had a good heart. One more thing: you won't have to worry about the Salamancas. Their day is coming. There'll be justice.
:'''Manuel''': Justice?
:'''Mike''': I'm sorry, my Spanish - j-''justicia.'' Justice.
:'''Manuel''': ''[sighs]'' What you talk about... is not justice. What you talk of is... ''revenge.'' It never ends... my boy is gone. ''[scoffs, speaks in Spanish]'' You gangsters and your &quot;justice.&quot; You're all the same.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy and Kim approach Cliff and Howard's widow, Cheryl, at a memorial reception in the offices of HHM.]''
:'''Kim:''' Cliff.
:'''Cliff:''' Kim, Jimmy.
:'''Cheryl:''' Kim, hi.
:''[Jimmy extends his hand to Cheryl; she doesn't take it]''
:'''Jimmy:''' Hi, Cheryl. I'm Jimmy McGill. You may not remember me. I'm Chuck McGill's brother.
:'''Cheryl:''' Of course.
:'''Jimmy:''' Very sorry for your loss. ''[sighs]''
:'''Kim:''' Cheryl, I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine what you must be going through. If Jimmy and I can do anything for you or your family, please just say the word.
:''[Jimmy and Kim are about to walk away]''
:'''Cheryl:''' There is something, actually. You two were the last ones to see him, weren't you?
:'''Kim:''' Um...
:'''Jimmy:''' I guess so. Uh, that's what the police said.
:'''Cheryl:''' Howard told me that you were harassing him, playing elaborate pranks of some sort. That you wouldn't leave him alone.
:'''Jimmy:''' I know he thought that. He—he—he told me as well. Um, I think he honestly believed it.
:'''Cheryl:''' But you're denying it.
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[pauses]'' You know what, I didn't leave here under the best terms. The past few years, I could have been more considerate to Howard instead of yitzing him every chance I got. I guess, uh, there was a certain amount of jealousy on my part because Howard had the, uh, respect of my brother. Which I never did. ''[Jimmy steps away]''
:'''Cheryl:''' Tell me what you told the police. 
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[pauses]'' Okay, um... Well, I mean, it was 11pm. Howard started pounding on our door. He was very upset, going on about something, um, he thought was my fault, uh... Guess it had to do with the Sandpiper case. But I—I couldn't make head or tail out of it. We tried to calm him down. But... he just—he just wouldn't, um... Finally, he left. That's—that's it.
:'''Cheryl:''' I'm not oblivious. I know people are saying he was on drugs. Is that what you're trying to tell me?
:'''Jimmy:''' I just... He just didn't seem like himself.
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[to Cliff]'' Are you hearing all of this? Because none of it makes sense to me. 
:'''Cliff:''' Cheryl, maybe we should just—
:'''Cheryl:''' I don't care what people are saying. I don't care what the police think. Howard was not on drugs. That simply is not true. There's something more to this. 
:'''Kim:''' I don't know if it's my place, but... I—I...
:'''Cheryl:''' Please. Just spit it out. ''[sharply inhales]''
:'''Kim:''' ''[sighs]'' It was about a year-and-a-half ago. I was still an associate here, working late on a brief. And I saw a light on in Howard's office. I assumed the cleaning crew left it on by mistake. And I was sure that office was empty, so I didn't knock.
:'''Cheryl:''' ...And?
:'''Kim:''' And Howard was there at his desk, head down. And he was snorting something. 
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[scoffs]''
:'''Kim:''' I looked at him. He looked at me. I didn't know what to do, so I just walked out. And the next morning, when we saw each other, neither of us ever said anything about it. I never told anyone. But now I wish I had. 
:''[Long pause]''
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[to Cliff]'' In all the years that you worked with him, have you witnessed anything like this? Even a hint? Cliff...
:'''Cliff:''' I... Cheryl, this really isn't the time or the place.
:''[Cheryl begins to cry]''
:'''Kim:''' Cheryl. You were his wife. You saw him every day. You knew him better than anyone. Maybe I misunderstood what I saw. You would have known. 
:'''Cheryl:''' ''[voice breaking]'' Please excuse me.
:''[Cheryl retreats into a women's restroom]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kim and her client are sitting in a courtroom as the presiding judge, Gabriel Dearden, takes the bench]''
:'''Bailiff:''' All rise. Court is now in session, the Honorable Judge Dearden presiding.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Good afternoon. We are here to discuss a motion to exclude evidence in ''State of New Mexico vs. Yarborough''. 
:'''Kim:''' ''[rises]'' Your honor, if I may. I submitted an additional motion. I'm assuming you have not seen it yet.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Did we get that?
:'''Secretary:''' It just came in, judge.
:''[The secretary approaches the bench and hands the motion to Judge Dearden]''
:'''Kim:''' I apologize, it was a last-minute addition. 
:'''Judge Dearden:''' &quot;Last minute&quot; is right. ''[looking through the motion]'' 
:''[Pause]''
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ...Do I understand this correctly? You're requesting to withdraw from this case?
:'''Kim:''' Yes, your honor. My client is fully informed. And I've already been in touch with another attorney, Paige Novick. She's highly qualified and familiar with the case. She's prepared to step if you'll allow it.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Ms. Wexler, Mr. Orenstein, approach the bench.
:''[Kim and the prosecutor do so]''
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[to Kim]'' Ms. Wexler, we are here today at your insistence to consider your motion to exclude evidence. And this is the moment you choose to withdraw?
:'''Kim:''' It was unavoidable.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' May I ask why?
:'''Kim:''' Personal reasons, your honor.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' &quot;Personal reasons.&quot; Are we talking about a health issue, something to do with a loved one?
:'''Kim:''' No.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Would you rather discuss privately in chambers?
:'''Kim:''' Thank you for the consideration, but no.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' Would you care to supply any detail at all?
:'''Kim:''' Your honor, I prefer not to.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[pause; to Orenstein]'' ...Mr. Orenstein, is the state prepared to discuss Ms. Wexler's motion?
:'''Orenstein:''' We are, your honor. Absolutely.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' You know what, Ms. Wexler? Mr. Orenstein's here. I'm here. We all showed up for your party, and now you're taking away the punch bowl. I'm inclined to have you argue your motion, then I'll consider later writing petitions. 
:'''Kim:''' I'm sorry for wasting the court's time, your honor, but it's impossible for me to continue with this hearing.
:'''Judge Dearden:''' And why is that, Ms. Wexler?
:'''Kim:''' Because I'm no longer an attorney. 
:'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[brief pause]'' ...I'm sorry, what?
:'''Kim:''' I gave notice to the bar two hours ago.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jimmy arrives home after hearing the news that Kim has quit her legal career]''
:'''Jimmy:''' ''You did what?!'' Why?! ''WHY?!'' Alright, alright, I know why. But Kim, you can't just—
:'''Kim:''' Jimmy, I—
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Shhh!'' Just let me say my piece, okay? Just—Let's take a breath here! Kim, after everything that happened... I mean, Jesus! I get it! You want to climb out of your own skin! That's natural! But Kim, you don't just throw everything away! Th-th-this is your life! You're a lawyer! What about your clients, huh? What about, uh... that poor guy, Mr. Yarborough? What about the kid in foster care? Huh?! You give them everything you got! Who are they going to find who is half as good as you?! No one! They need you!
:'''Kim:''' It's already done.
:'''Jimmy:''' ''Ugh!'' ''[pause]'' Okay, what's done can be undone. All I'm saying is just—just let's take a week or two to think it over. For now, we're gonna take some time off. God knows we need it. We're gonna to find a new place, we're—we're gonna leave here. We're never, ever gonna come back here again. Okay? We're gonna—we're gonna put it behind us! Things will look brighter! I guarantee it! But first we have to fix this. So we're gonna go back to the hotel room, and you're gonna write letters. You're gonna write a letter to the bar, you're gonna write letters to your clients. You—you—you dictate, I will type. We're gonna roll this thing back. I'll order a pizza, we'll pull an all-nighter. Because we're in this together. Okay? So I'm gonna go get your—your printer, and then we're gonna get the hell out of here.
:''[Jimmy turns to head into the bedroom]''
:'''Kim:''' Wait— Jimmy. Jimmy!
:''[Jimmy enters the bedroom to discover half-full boxes and luggage everywhere]''
:'''Kim:''' You asked if you were bad for me. That's not it. We are bad for each other. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Kim. Don't do this. Kim, please.
:'''Kim:''' Jimmy... ''[holding back tears]'' ...I have had the time of my life with you. But we are bad for everyone around us. Other people suffer because of us. Apart we're okay, but together we're poison. 
:'''Jimmy:''' ''[shakes his head]'' No, no. Just tell me what I need to do to change, okay? Just tell me what it is, and I'll do it. 
:'''Kim:''' Jimmy...
:'''Jimmy:''' No, Kim. You make me happy. We make each other happy. How can that be bad? Hey... I love you.
:'''Kim:''' I love you, too. ''[voice breaking]'' But so what? 
:'''Jimmy:''' No. No. No, Kim, you're wrong! ''This is about '''Howard!''''' Okay?! What happened to him wasn't on us! It wasn't your fault! It wasn't ''my'' fault! It was that ''fucking Lalo Salamanca!'' That psychopath came back from the dead and he walked through that door! He did this! Not us, ''him!'' 
:'''Kim:''' I knew.
:'''Jimmy:''' You knew wh-what?
:'''Kim:''' I knew he was alive.
:'''Jimmy:''' No, you didn't.
:'''Kim:''' It was about a month ago. I saw that car following me again. And it turned out that Mike Ehrmantraut had guys watching both of us, watching for Lalo. 
:'''Jimmy:''' Mike... Mike told you that Lalo was alive? ''[Kim nods]'' And you didn't tell me?
:'''Kim:''' ''[pause]'' Jimmy... I thought... I thought it was a one-in-a-million chance that he'd come for us. I thought he would be caught if he did. And I told myself I was protecting you. But that's not the truth. The reason I didn't tell you was because I knew what you'd do.
:'''Jimmy:''' Wh-what would I do?
:'''Kim:''' You'd—you'd blame yourself. You'd fear for me. You'd want us to run and hide until you were sure I was safe. You would pull the plug on the scam, and then... ''[pause]'' ...and then, we'd break up. And I didn't want that. Because I was having too much ''fun''.
:''[Kim breaks down crying and returns to the bedroom to pack; Jimmy stands in the living room in silence]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Saul Goodman:''' Alright. [[w:Chicanery (Better Call Saul) | Let justice be done, though the heavens fall]].

=== ''[[w:Nippy (Better Call Saul) | Nippy]]'' [6.10] ===
:''[Saul, now going by Gene Takavic, is confronted by Jeff after he unexpectedly shows up at his home]''
:'''Jeff''': Dude, what the fuck?!
:'''Saul''': I know, it's awkward, right? But you don't have to call me Dad. Yet.
:'''Jeff''': I don't know what this is about, but all I have to do is pick up the phone and it's &quot;Bye-bye, Saul Goodman.&quot;
:'''Saul''': Yeah, but you haven't picked up the phone yet, have ya? Or tried to strong-arm me for cash. And guess what? I know why. Because reward money—blackmail—that's not gonna tickle your pickle. I know what you really want. 
:'''Jeff''': Oh, yeah? What's that?
:'''Saul''': You want in the game.
:'''Jeff''': The game? What—what game?
:'''Saul''': The ''game.'' The one you've been watching your entire life. You got your nose pressed up against the glass, peering in while the big boys play.
:'''Jeff''': Speak English, man. What the hell are you talking about?
:'''Saul''': ''The game.'' It's right there. You can see it, but you can't touch it yet. ''[pause]'' Cars, clothes. The cash, the ladies. It's about knowing all the angles, you know? Putting it all on the line and winning ''big.'' But here you are, Jeffy. Standing outside with the suckers, trying to pay off that cab, sweating the bills. You're getting older. It's—it's so close, but dammit you just can't get in! Until now. I can make it happen.
:'''Jeff''': ''[beat]'' You?
:'''Saul''': Saul Goodman. ''[pause]'' So, here's the deal. I will show you the game, and then we're done. 
:''[Jeff stares at Saul for another moment before smiling]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Jeff runs around a maze in the outline of a mall. Saul, on a loudspeaker, shouts directions to him.]''
:'''Saul''': Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! One, Armani suits and run! Two, Air Jordan shoes for you! Three, linen shirts for free! Four, cashmere sweaters out the door! Five, Patagonias to survive! Six, swanky sweatsuits in the mix! HALT!
:''[Jeff stops, breathing heavily.]''
:'''Jeff''': What?!
:'''Saul''': That's too many, you gotta be precise! Just three of each.
:'''Jeff''': Why? And why do I gotta run around like an asshole?
:'''Saul''': I already told you! Three minutes, got it? That's our window!
:'''Jeff''': Yeah, but why three minutes?
:'''Saul''': Because at three minutes, that's when security sees you on the cameras and the cops haul your ass to jail, alright? So let's go.
:':'''Jeff''': Wait, there's cameras?
:'''Saul''': Sure there's cameras! They erase the tapes every seventy-two hours, so that's why you only take three of each, and only the pricey stuff. When the store opens the next morning, they won't even know they were robbed. By the time they do inventory, abra cadabra, no more Jeffy on the tape! Right, so, three items, three minutes... It's easy. Let's go.
:''[Jeff walks back to the start of the maze.]''
:'''Saul''': How many of each?
:'''Jeff''': Three...
:'''Saul''': Pigs get fat, hogs get slaughtered!
:'''Jeff''': I don't know...
:'''Saul''': What don't you know?
:'''Jeff''': Just, this whole thing, it seems crazy!
:'''Saul''': Is this too hot for you?! Ju— You know what, just say so! You know what? Screw it. &quot;Crazy?&quot; I'll tell you what's crazy! [[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad) | Fifty-year-old high school chemistry teacher]] [[w:Breaking Bad | comes into my office. The guy is so broke, he can't pay his own mortgage. One year later, he's got a pile of cash as big as a Volkswagen.]] ''That's'' crazy.
:'''Buddy''': I'll do it.
:'''Jeff''': This sounds good to you?
:'''Buddy''': I think it'll work. 
:'''Saul''': Well, look at you! Hey, you're young. You're probably, uh... Fast in the feet, huh?
:'''Jeff''': Okay, I- I didn't say I wouldn't do it! I just... Had some questions about, like... Logistics.
:'''Saul''': Are you in or out?
:'''Jeff''': In.
:'''Saul''': ''[sighs]'' Okay, back to one. ''[He speaks into the loudspeaker as Jeff sets himself up.]'' Check, test, one-two, one-two.  Okay! And ready, set, action!
:''[Jeff begins running.]''
:'''Saul''': Move, move, move! Pick up the pace! Go, go, go! One, Armani suits and run! Two, Air Jordan shoes for you! Three, linen shirts for free! Four, cashmere sweaters out the door! Five, Patagonias to survive! Six, swanky sweatsuits in the mix! Let's go, let's go, let's go!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[On the night of the robbery, Saul watches Jeff through the mall cameras while one of the security guards, Frank, is eating a Cinnabon roll with his back facing the cameras.]'' 
:'''Saul''': How about that 44-21 win against the Cavs?
:'''Frank''': Be still my heart. ''[laughs]''
:'''Saul''': Seventy-six yard pass to Reggie Ball, and–and never sacked once. 
:'''Frank''': Wow, you have got quite the memory.
:'''Saul''': ...Yeah, well—I'll tell you what. I can remember every stitch of clothing I was wearing during that game, but ask me what I had for dinner and... ''[whistles]'' Clean slate.
:'''Frank''': Tell me about it! ''[Saul checks his stopwatch, which is at two minutes and fifteen seconds]'' Well, I'll tell ya: If you're not passing the ball, that's what's gonna happen. ''[eats another bite]'' Mmm! 
:''[Eventually, Jeff runs with the last round of clothes when he slips and falls. Saul chokes on his coffee.]''
:'''Frank''': You okay?
:'''Saul''': ''[coughs]'' Wrong pipe.
:'''Frank''': Oh, okay. So, you think our guys are gonna move to the Big Ten like they're sayin'?
:'''Saul''': ''[pause]'' Big Ten?
:'''Frank''': Yeah, you know, maybe they're just chasing the almighty dollar if you ask me. I mean, both powerhouses of course. But, you know what? You got Oklahoma and Texas over here. But Michigan, Ohio State over there! ''[Saul looks nervously at the cameras]'' I... I don't know. Guess  I like tradition. ''[chuckles; sighs as he takes yet another bite]'' So good. Just amazing. Wow. 
:''[After Saul realizes Jeff is out cold, he fakes a nervous breakdown to distract Frank]''
:'''Saul''': God, what am I doing?
:'''Frank''': What?
:'''Saul''': ''[cries out again as Frank turns his head towards the cameras]'' Look at me! Wha—I don't know what... ''[sobs]'' Oh, Jesus! 
:'''Frank''': Gene?
:'''Saul''': Oh, God. You... you have a wife, right, Frank?
:'''Frank''': Yeah.
:'''Saul''': Yeah?
:'''Frank''': Yeah.
:'''Saul''': She's waiting for you? ''[Frank nods]'' Look at me. I got... I got no one. My parents are dead. [[w:Chuck McGill | My brother]]... ''[beat; looks down]'' My brother is dead. I, uh... I don't have a wife. No kids, no friends. If I die tonight, no one would care. What difference would it make?
:''[Saul looks up again and notices Jeff slowly getting himself up]''
:'''Frank''': Gene, buddy... I—I'm sure you mean a lot to... to a lot of—lots of people. ''[turns his head around again]''
:'''Saul''': ''[slams fist on table]'' If I die tonight, my landlord would pack up my stuff. It'd take him three hours. And Cinnabon would just hire a new manager. Gene who?! Poof, I'd be gone! I'd be... a–a ghost. No, not a ghost. I'd be a... a shadow. I'd just mean ''nothing.'' I mean, Frank... What's the ''point'', Frank? What's the...
:''[Saul sees Jeff put away the clothes in the box. He groans as he watches Jeff run out of the warehouse, then claps when he's out of sight]''
:'''Saul''': ''[sighs]'' I'm sorry. You didn't need to hear that.
:'''Frank''': No, no, no. That's–that's okay. No, that is okay. Everybody has bad days.
:'''Saul''': You've felt like this?
:'''Frank''': ...No. I mean, not me, but... people. I think a lot of people.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Saul''': You guys enjoying yourselves? Well, hold on to that feeling, 'cause this is it.
:'''Jeff''': Yeah, we know.
:'''Saul''': Well, in case you forget, you transported stolen goods with a value exceeding $5,000. And the truck you used to do it was rented in Council Bluffs across state lines.
:'''Jeff''': You told us to rent the truck over there, so—
:'''Saul''': ''[motions for Jeff to stop talking]'' Theft from an interstate shipment, up to ten years. Transportation of stolen goods, another ten years. Sale of stolen goods, ten years. Conspiracy to commit a federal crime—
:'''Buddy''': Whoa, hold on. Conspiracy? It was your idea.
:'''Saul''': Yeah. It's called mutually assured destruction, so... if I go down, you go down.
:'''Jeff''': Man, you don't have to threaten us. We're all friends here.
:'''Saul''': I am not your friend. And if you get greedy, and you decide to come back for more, ''don't.'' Gene Takavic, you've never heard of him. Cottonwood Mall, you don't go there. You see me comin', you cross to the other side of the street. 
:'''Jeff''': Dude.
:'''Saul''': Now, I need you to say it. We're done.
:'''Jeff''': ''[pause; laughs]'' Come on! 
:'''Saul''': Say it. ''We're done. '''Say it.'''''
:'''Jeff''': ''[beat; looks at his friend briefly]'' We're done.
:'''Buddy''': ''[pause]'' We're–we're done.

=== ''[[w:Breaking Bad (Better Call Saul) | Breaking Bad]]'' [6.11] ===
:''[Saul, with his limbs duct-taped and a bag over his head, lies on the floor of an RV.]''
:'''Saul''': Guys, c'mon. Talk to me! ''Habla, por favor! Yo soy abogado! Abogado, abogado!'' Aw-- Crap! You already knew that! Jesus, fellas, there's a better way to do this! Hello? Oh-- Why- Wha-- Why are we going off-road? Oh! Whoa! Whatever this is, can we please don't do it in the desert? ''Anywhere but the desert!'' Oh-- Oh, God, I'm gonna be sick...
:''[The RV stops and two masked men walk up, cutting the tape at Saul's legs and forcing him upright.]''
:'''Saul:''' Alright, fellas... This-- we can-- We can fix this! Whatever the ''problemo'', we can fix it with ''dinero. Mucho dinero! Mucho, mucho, mucho dinero!'' C'mon, please, one of you just, just-- You talk, ''habla!'' C'mon, b-before mistakes are made! C'mon, talk to me, guys, huh?
:''[The RV door closes to reveal [[w:Pilot_(Breaking_Bad)| five bullet holes covered with duct tape.]]]''
:'''Saul:''' C'mon, just tell me what you want! Jeez...
:''[The bag is taken off Saul's head to reveal  an open grave in the middle of the desert]''
:'''Saul:''' Oh! Oh, no, no, no, no, no! No! [[w:Better Call Saul (Breaking Bad)| It wasn't me! It was Ignacio, he's the one!]]
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Francesca answers a payphone at an abandoned convenience store outside of Albuquerque. On the other end of the line is Saul, calling from a phone booth outside a diner in rural Nebraska under his Gene Takavic alias.]''
:'''Francesca''': Yeah.
:'''Saul''': Oh, good. You're there. Great. Great. Unencumbered by curious eyes and ears, I'm guessing?
:'''Francesca''': Wouldn't have picked up otherwise.
:'''Saul''': Right. Excellent. Um, okay. Well then... Lay it on me.
:'''Francesca''': First things first.
:'''Saul''': No, I believe we agreed after.
:'''Francesca''': I'm hanging up.
:'''Saul''': Okay, okay then! Jeez! I... Okay, if you're facing the phone, turn right ninety degrees and, uh, walk straight. You'll see some pieces of broken concrete in the dirt. Just pull back the one that's kinda shaped like New Jersey. 
:'''Francesca''': New Jersey?
:'''Saul''': Alfred Hitchcock in a fez, whatever. Just pull that one back, and you'll see a, um, soda can tap. It's got a fishing line tied to it. Follow that line, it'll take you to an old water line, and just keep pulling the string and you'll get what I promised.
:''[Francesca leaves the phone off the hook and follows Saul's instructions. She soon retrieves a pouch containing three bundles of cash, amounting to several thousand dollars. She returns to the payhone.]''
:'''Francesca''': Okay.
:'''Saul''': Great. Was it all there? I mean, the rats didn't eat it or anything?
:'''Francesca''': It's all here.
:'''Saul''': ''[exhales]'' Okay. Well, uh, tell me... how hot.
:'''Francesca''': How hot?
:'''Saul''': Yeah.
:'''Francesca''': Well, I still get followed. Not as often as [[w:Ozymandias (Breaking Bad) | when the shit first hit the fan]], but I still see them. My mail gets opened. My phone at home clicks whenever I use it.
:'''Saul''': So the maestro buying the farm didn't change anything?
:'''Francesca''': No. If anything, it made it worse. [[w:Skyler White | Skyler White]] got her deal, so the only ones left to go after are you and Pinkman. And I heard [[w:El Camino: A Breaking Bad Movie | they found his car down by the border]], so adios dopehead. 
:'''Saul''': Oh, so they're still on to me. Well... Hey, what do you know about the nail salons?
:'''Francesca''': Nail salons are gone.
:'''Saul''': What? Gone? All of them?
:'''Francesca''': Yup.
:'''Saul''': What about the vending machines?
:'''Francesca''': Gone.
:'''Saul''': Jesus! Don't tell me, the laser tag...
:'''Francesca''': Feds found it all, Saul.
:'''Saul''': How?! It was shells within shells! Dammit! Dammit!! Okay... okay... Hey— oh. Let's say there was an overseas account, Antigua and Barbuda—
:'''Francesca''': Tiger Fish Corporation?
:'''Saul''': What?
:'''Francesca''': Tiger Fish Corporation? 850K? I gave it to the feds.
:'''Saul''': You did what? Why would you do that?!
:''[An automated message tells Saul that his phone time has expired. He hurriedly puts more quarters into the payphone.]''
:'''Saul''': ''God dammit!''
:'''Francesca''': You—you put my name on the board of a fictional corporation. I had to give it up, I didn't really have a choice. And a heads-up would have been nice, by the way!
:'''Saul''': So it's gone? It's all gone. Those sons of bitches took everything.
:'''Francesca''': Except what you took with you, and I'm guessing that wasn't chump change.
:'''Saul''': Yeah, well...
:'''Francesca''': Well... Guess that's it.
:'''Saul''': Wait, wait, wait! C'mon, I just put more quarters in! Can't you just... I don't know... give me the lowdown? 
:'''Francesca''': There's nothing else.
:'''Saul''': Well, that's not true. After all this time? You know, come on. Just fill me in. Um... How's Kuby?
:'''Francesca''': No idea.
:'''Saul''': Alright, how about Huell?
:'''Francesca''': Huell? I guess back home in New Orleans. DEA held him under false pretenses or something, so last I heard he walked.
:'''Saul''': Good. Um, how about Danny? Or—or Ira? I mean, any word on those two guys?
:'''Francesca''': They have Internet where you are? 
:'''Saul''': Well, just... C'mon, give me something. There's gotta be some news.
:'''Francesca''': Remember Bill Oakley? He switched sides.
:'''Saul''': He came out, huh? 
:'''Francesca''': No, he's not gay. He's a defense attorney now. 
:'''Saul''': Huh. Well, I mean... What about you? How are you doing?
:'''Francesca''': ''[sarcastically]'' I'm just great. [[w:Rainier III, Prince of Monaco|Prince Rainier]] proposed. The private jet is taking us to the palace on Thursday.
:'''Saul''': Yeah. Okay, well... I guess that's it, then.
:''[Francesca mulls over what to tell Saul next.]''
:'''Francesca''': I did get one call, after everything went down. ''[pause]'' Kim. Checking in on me. 
:'''Saul''': No kidding?
:'''Francesca''': ''Mm-hmm''. Your name came up. Asked if you were alive. 
:'''Saul''': She asked about me... ''[pause]'' What did you tell her?
:'''Francesca''': Nothing.
:'''Saul''': But she asked.
:'''Francesca''': Yup.
:'''Saul''': ''[long pause]'' ...Yeah, okay. Well, I guess this is goodbye—
:''[Francesca hangs up without saying anything.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Saul goes inside the RV driven by the two masked men [[w:Better Call Saul (Breaking Bad)| who kidnapped him and brought him to the desert]]]''
:'''Saul''': What the hell is this? It's like [[w:James Whale|James Whale]]'s travelling roadshow in here.
:''[Jesse Pinkman, a ski mask pulled up over his face, steps in behind him.]''
:'''[[w:Jesse Pinkman |Jesse]]''': Whatever the hell that is, Crystal Ship definitely travels.
:''[Walt enters and shuts the door behind him, incredulous. Meanwhile, Saul explores the RV.]''
:'''[[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad) | Walter]]''': I'm sorry, you said the ''what'' travels?
:'''Jesse''': Crystal Ship. What I call this thing.
:'''Walter''': Alright, never mind, just... No details. We're paying him to do a job, let's just leave it at that.
:'''Saul''': &quot;No details?&quot; Fellas, that–that money you put in my pocket, that doesn't just extend to this job. That can get you attorney-client privilege on—on all matters!
:'''Walter''': ''No details.''
:'''Saul''': Look at this setup. I mean–What, you two driving around like Mr. Softee, scooping out drugs for all the good boys and girls?
:'''Jesse''': No, we don't deal from here.
:'''Walter''': I said no details!
:'''Jesse''': Dude is standing in front of a meth lab, it's not like he ain't gonna put two and two together!
:'''Walter''': He is on a need-to-know basis.
:'''Jesse''': Uh, I didn't wanna show my face. Did he need to know that?
:'''Saul''': So, you're not just distribution. You're the whole freakin' package.
:''[Saul leans up against a table, considering Walt and Jesse before turning to the lab equipment.]''
:'''Saul''': You two actually make the blue stuff? ''[brief pause]'' Here?! ''[chuckles and picks up a flask]'' That's amazing!
:'''Walter''': Can you not touch...?
:'''Saul''': I mean, look at this! I had a fish that could've used this as a vacation home, but you're using it to make the goods, huh?
:'''Jesse''': Yeah, it's a, um, round-bottom flask. ''[turns to Walt]'' Right? Round-bottom? ''[Walt grimaces and says nothing]'' It's a flask for distilling.
:'''Walter''': It won't be if you break it. Now please, put it down.
:'''Saul''': Oh. ''[clears his throat]'' Okay, so if you cook the blue stuff... ''[to Jesse]'' that means you're Igor and— ''[to Walt]'' and that makes you... You're Heisenberg. Wow. Hey, tell me, how-how much product can you churn out with a setup like this?
:'''Walter''': Alright, we're done. We're done with the questions. ''We'' ask the questions. You have ''a'' job—''one'' job—and I still don't understand how you're gonna pull it off.
:'''Saul''': Listen, when I get all my ducks in a row, I'll give you a PowerPoint down at the office. But until then, just—just bring what we talked about, okay? And don't worry! I'm gonna make it work.
:'''Walter''': I'm taking the eighty thousand as a starting point for negotiation.
:'''Saul''': Take it any way you want. That's the price and, um... ''[clears throat again]'' I'm calling shotgun. ''[saunters up and plops down in the passenger's seat]''
:'''Walter''': ''[to Jesse, who attempts to take the driver's seat]'' I will drive.
:'''Jesse''': Oh, yeah. Sure. I'll just... stand. I guess. ''[under his breath]'' Dick.
:'''Saul''': At least you won't be rolling around like the last Christmas ham in the back of the delivery truck, you know? I—I've got bad knees. ''[to Walt]'' I think you might've messed up my rotator cuff. You're lucky I'm not charging you for my chiropractor, she's expensive. ''[to Jesse]'' But she adjusts ''everything.''
:''[Walt starts the RV, which immediately stalls out.]''
:'''Walter''': Dammit.
:'''Jesse''': You gotta give it some ''gas'' when you're backing up.
:'''Walter''': I gave it the proper amount of gas.
:'''Jesse''': I guess that's why we're &quot;moving&quot;, then.
:'''Walter''': Look, it just was... idling too long. It'll start.
:''[Walt attempts to turn over the ignition again and it sputters.]''
:'''Jesse''': Oh, you should've just let me drive, yo!
:'''Walter''': Look, nothing would be different in this moment except you panicking and flooding the engine.
:'''Jesse''': ''[scoffs]'' Bullshit.
:'''Saul''': Look, fellas, I was enjoying the [[w:Laurel and Hardy|Laurel and Hardy]] vibe, but I'm not such a fan of [[w:The Bickersons|the Bickersons]]. Now, can you get me back to my office? I—I got work to do if you want me to make some magic.
:'''Walter''': We just need to sit a moment, that's all. When it idles too long, the fuel pump overheats, and so we just need to let it cool down.
:''[Walt takes the key out of the ignition, plunging the RV into darkness. Walt clears his own throat, which turns into a cough. A bit of blood spills onto his hand and he wipes it away, but Saul notices. He gives Walt a once-over and Walt responds with a glare of his own, which prompts Saul to turn his attention to the window.]''
:'''Jesse''': So... who's Lalo?
:'''Saul''': ...Who?
:'''Jesse''': Lalo. Thought some dude named Lalo sent us? You seemed pretty freaked out. Never heard of no Lalo on the street.
:'''Saul''': ''[beat]'' It's nobody. ''[to Walt]'' Hey, are you gonna try that again? 'Cause... Or are they gonna find us, y'know, buried in a sandstorm a thousand years from now? Just, please.
:''[Walt turns the key and the RV springs to life once again]''
:'''Jesse''': ''[sarcastically]'' Bravo.
:'''Saul''': I second that! I'm gonna give you two free words of advice: Jiffy. Lube.
:'''Walter''': Hold on.
:''[They drive off out of the desert, leaving behind the hole that Walt and Jesse previously dug up.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Saul is lying on the floor with his feet in the Swing Master as Mike enters his office]''
:'''Saul:''' Ho, enter sunshine! Cast some light into my cool, dark world! 
:''[Mike doesn't say anything, sitting on the couch and looking at a newspaper crossword puzzle]''
:'''Saul:''' Hello? You're on the clock, right? So, get with the info any time.
:'''Mike:''' When you're done.
:'''Saul:''' No, I can multitask. Please.
:'''Mike:''' I'm not gonna talk to you while you're on... whatever ''that'' is.
:'''Saul:''' You know, LBJ used to have his underlings give him reports while he was on the shitter.
:'''Mike:''' ''Ah-hah.'' Well, either I'm gonna leave or I'm gonna put my foot in your skull.
:'''Saul:''' ''[sighs]'' ...Fine. ''[gets up off the floor]'' You should try one of these. You walk like Frankenstein after he was probed by aliens. ''Ha!'' I can get you one. Would do wonders for your chi. ''[puts on his suit jacket and seats himself behind his desk]'' Let's go. Lay it on me.
:''[Mike walks to the desk and hands Saul an envelope containing photos.]''
:'''Mike:''' Alright. First: there's your Mrs. Denise Gabbler. She's cheating, alright. 
:'''Saul:''' ''[whistles]'' Limber! ''Ha-ha!'' Well, at least I know they didn't spot you. No one could stay that aroused with your mug peeking through the window. ''[Mike stares at Saul, stone-faced; he doesn't respond]'' What else you got?
:'''Mike:''' Well, next I followed your bus driver. Newsflash: He really does have a broken neck.
:'''Saul:''' Fantastic. That makes my life much easier. Keep it coming.
:'''Mike:''' Second-story guy out of Indianapolis, Lasky? Did a dime at Menard. Now, if you're looking for a tenor who will keep his mouth shut, you can trust him. I say he's worth keeping an eye on. 
:'''Saul:''' Second-story guy, second-story guy... I—I got more second-story guys in my book than pimples at a junior prom. That... ''[inhales]'' What about, uh, that Heisenberg fella?
:'''Mike:''' High school chemistry teacher.
:'''Saul:''' You're shittin' me, really?
:'''Mike:''' Walter Hartwell White. Chemistry teacher over at J. P. Wynne. Working with a former student, current meth head, one Jesse Pinkman. 
:'''Saul:''' Wow... Uh, what else about the teacher?
:'''Mike:''' He has lung cancer.
:'''Saul:''' ''Jesus.'' That's why he can't quit with the coughing. How bad?
:'''Mike:''' Stage 3A. He's in treatment, more tests to come. But it doesn't look good. Now listen, even if this guy was gonna live, I wouldn't go near him. He's a complete amateur.
:'''Saul:''' Well, you see an amateur, I see 170 pounds of clay ready to be molded.
:'''Mike:''' Well, if the cancer doesn't get him, it will be the cops or a bullet to the head. 
:'''Saul:''' Is that your appraisal, or is that what [[w:Gus Fring | He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named]] says about him?
:'''Mike:''' He didn't say anything. The guy is small potatoes. 
:'''Saul:''' Yeah, okay. I hear ya. I just—I got a feeling about this. This Heisenberg guy's got something. It's top-of-the-line product, that's the buzz on the street. And I just think with the right management—
:'''Mike:''' You know, years ago I bought a [[w:Betamax|Betamax]]. Good product, top of the line. Experts said it was better than a VHS. Turned out to be a complete waste of time and money. 
:'''Saul:''' ''Hm?''
:'''Mike:''' ''[sternly]'' Let it go.
:'''Saul:''' ''[sighs]'' ...Guy with that mustache probably doesn't make a lot of good life choices. So yeah, the second-story guy. Menard, you said?
:'''Mike:''' Yeah, right, right, right. Alright, part of a high-end crew fencing jewelry up into Canada. Now, Lasky kid caught a bad break. Cop was driving by just as he was ducking in a window. He did the time, no one else on his crew went down. Solid.
:''[Saul stares off into space, not paying attention to what Mike is saying.]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Saul learns that Jeff's friend, Buddy, bailed on one of their scams and confronts him in the garage behind Jeff's house.]''
:'''Saul''': You're kidding me! Absolutely kidding me! 
:'''Buddy''': I'm sorry, man. I couldn't do it.
:'''Saul''': Do you know how much time, how much effort I put into finding the perfect mark?! I have to weed through all these saps who have wives and families at home! Find somebody who's alone, with money! And what—So you can just wimp out?!
:'''Buddy''': The guy has cancer, man! I found pills in his pocket, okay? The same ones my dad took. For, like, pancreatic cancer. 
:'''Saul''': So a guy with cancer can't be an asshole? ''[chuckles]'' Believe me! I speak from experience!
:'''Buddy''': I can't rip off a guy with cancer. I'm sorry.
:'''Saul''': Do you know how many of the suckers we've ripped off had sob stories?! ''Every single one of them!'' Besides, it'll be ''months'' before they even realize they've been taken! This guy will already be dead! So please get back in your truck, go back to the house, and finish the job!
:'''Buddy''': ''[beat]'' No, man. I can't do that! I can't!
:'''Saul''': Alright, I get it! You'll get over it, okay? Please, believe me. Before you know it, you'll forget all about it. ''[softly]'' Go.
:'''Buddy''': Look, we're doing really well, right? Hear me out, okay? I mean, we're rolling in cash! We can just let this one go! 
:'''Saul''': Not your call.
:'''Buddy''': ''[sighs]'' Yeah, but I... I pulled the tape when I left! The door's locked! We couldn't get back in even if we wanted to! ''[Saul angrily slaps the top of Jeff's car]'' Jeff, come on, man! Back me up here! 
:'''Jeff''': Oh, well I... I don't know. I mean, I can see both sides kinda. 
:'''Saul''': You know what? Forget it, you're fired. Just go! Just give me the camera and go! 
:'''Buddy''': ''[hands Saul his camera]'' Fine. 
:'''Saul''': GOOD! Go, we don't need you! And I know I don't need to tell you this, but since you're such a goddamn amateur, I will anyway! Keep your mouth ''shut''.
:''[Buddy gives Jeff one last glance before leaving the garage.]''
:'''Saul''': ''[to Jeff]'' If we're gonna do this, we should leave now.
:'''Jeff''': ...We're really gonna go back there?
:'''Saul''': What did I just say? Jeff, are you in or out?!

=== ''[[w:Waterworks (Better Call Saul) | Waterworks]]'' [6.12] ===
:'''Kim''': Kim Wexler.
:'''Jimmy''': Hey! Kim Wexler... You know who this is? ''[beat; Kim is silent]'' I'm gonna take that as a &quot;yes&quot;. Uh, that receptionist of yours, is she the type to listen in?
:'''Kim''': No.
:'''Jimmy''': Good! Okay! So... How's Florida been treating you? I'm catching you between hurricanes, I hope. ''[pause]'' Kim? You there?
:'''Kim''': What do you want?
:'''Jimmy''': No, I don't... I don't want anything, I just—It's been a while, y'know, I was just... I was thinking, it's been a while? And, uh... It might be nice to catch up.
:'''Kim''': &quot;Catch up?&quot;
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah, my mind was wandering this morning, just... Not thinking anything in particular, just random thoughts and—Bam, it suddenly occurred to me, it's been six years. I mean, Jesus. I—I couldn't believe it! ''[beat]'' I thought you might wanna know I'm still alive. ''[pause]'' Yep. I'm still out here! Still getting away with it! Feds couldn't find their own ass with both hands and a proctologist.
:'''Kim''': You shouldn't be calling me.
:'''Jimmy''': Oh, hey! You're awake!
:'''Kim''': ''You shouldn't be calling.''
:'''Jimmy''': Why not? What, am I tying up the line from important irrigation business? I mean, come on, Kim, say something. Hey, call me an asshole! Yell at me! Just let me know you still got a pulse. ''[pause]'' Just ''say'' something!
:'''Kim''': You want me to say something?
:'''Jimmy''': Yeah.
:'''Kim''': You should turn yourself in.
:'''Jimmy''': Do what?
:'''Kim''': You heard me. I don't know what kind of life you've been living, but it can't be much.
:'''Jimmy''': Said the pot to the kettle! What?! That is—that is really rich, you—''you'' preaching to ''me?!'' See, you have no idea what I did or didn't do, okay? And why–why don't you turn ''your''self in? Seeing as how ''you're'' the one with the guilty conscience, huh? What is—What is stopping you, huh? [[w:Face Off (Breaking Bad) | Fring's in the ground]]. [[w:Say My Name (Breaking Bad)| Mike's in the ground]]. Lalo's in the ground, apparently. You don't have to hold back on my account! They can only hang me once, so what?! So go ahead! Spill your guts, put on your hair shirt, see what it gets you! Why are... Kim, why are we even talking about this? We're both too smart to throw our lives away for no reason, just... I just—I only wanted to... Kim—Kim...! Kim—
:'''Kim''': I'm glad you're alive. ''[she hangs up]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Cheryl Hamlin has just finished reading Kim's written confession, describing the events leading up to the night of Howard's death]''
:'''Cheryl''': Howard was murdered? ''[pause; Kim nods]'' Why?
:'''Kim''': He was... in the wrong place at the wrong time.
:'''Cheryl''': Where's his body?
:'''Kim''': I don't know.
:'''Cheryl''': And the police... Will they search again?
:'''Kim''': They'll search. I don't think they'll find him. Cheryl, he... It—It all happened in an instant, and he didn't... he didn't suffer.
:'''Cheryl''': &quot;He didn't suffer&quot;? The lies you two made up, the picture you painted... That's all he is now! That's all ''anybody'' remembers!
:'''Kim''': I wanna change that.
:'''Cheryl''': What happens now? Will you be tried? Will you go to jail?
:'''Kim''': I don't know.
:'''Cheryl''': You're a lawyer, right? You're a... a ''great'' one, Howard said! How could you ''not know?''
:'''Kim''': Bernalillo County has my affidavit. It's up to the district attorney whether to prosecute. And she may not.
:'''Cheryl''': ''Why?''
:'''Kim''': There's no physical evidence. No remaining witnesses other than my ex-husband, assuming he's still alive.
:'''Cheryl''': I could sue you in civil court. I could take everything you've got.
:'''Kim''': Yeah.
:'''Cheryl''': ...Why are you doing this?
 
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Kim stands outside Saul's office, attempting to light a cigarette. A man, revealed to be Jesse Pinkman, leans against a wall.]''
:'''Jesse''': Hey, yo... Can I bum one of those?
:''[Kim pauses before offering him the cigarette. Jesse takes one and she lights it for him.]''
:'''Jesse''': Thanks. ''[gestures towards the rain]'' What's up with this shit?
:'''Kim''': Raining.
:'''Jesse''': Yeah. I dunno, it's... It's crazy! Like, bananas, all this rain. I mean, I thought we were, like, in a desert, y'know? ''[beat]'' You're a lawyer, right? ''[Kim turns to him]'' Yeah. I recognize you. You defended my buddy, Combo. Christian Ortega? Juvie court, little baby Jesus? I mean, not like a ''real'' baby. Just, uh... y'know, one of those things outside of the... church?
:'''Kim''': Nativity scene.
:'''Jesse''': Yeah.
:'''Kim''': Knights of Columbus.
:'''Jesse''': I mean, what the ''hell'' did he even ''want'' that thing for? Huh? I mean, I—I still don't know, ''dumbass.'' I told him he could go to hell for stealing something like that. I mean—But did he listen to me? No. But you... You got him off, like, scot-free. That... That was pretty slick, yo!
:'''Kim''': Well... Tell him I hope he's keeping his nose clean.
:'''Jesse''': Yeah, yeah. Right on. Absolutely. Uh... Hey, so you having all this expertise and all... This guy, Goodman... ''[pause]'' He the real deal? Like, lawyer-wise?
:'''Kim''': Why do you ask?
:'''Jesse''': I got a buddy in there who's facing some serious time. I mean, not... y'know, not baby Jesus time, but... but serious. You know, he needs top-shelf legal representation. And I tell him that, right? But, you know, he sees this dude's commercials on TV, and this is where he wants to go. I mean, I tell him, &quot;Yo... Emilio, you know, a funny TV commercial's not a sound... basis for, like, you know... ''[pause]'' I mean, like, would you go to a doctor to do, like, an operation on you in, like a... On, like your spleen or whatever... All on the fact that there was a funny TV commercial? No. I mean, c'mon. How is this ''any'' different, y'know?&quot; Anyways... This guy. Any good?
:''[Kim flicks her cigarette away]''
:'''Kim''': When I knew him, he was. ''[pulls her hood up and runs out into the rain]''

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Saul calls Marion after learning that Jeff has been arrested for the robbery he committed the previous night]''
:'''Marion''': Hello? ''[pause]'' Gene! Honey, do you know what time it is? ''[beat; picks up her phone and sits down]'' Oh... Oh God, that boy. He's gonna put me in my grave.
:'''Saul''': Marion... ''[chuckles]'' It's a mistake is all. Getting picked up for something you didn't do, that could happen to anybody.
:'''Marion''': Yeah right, anyone. This isn't the first time, you know. He's been in trouble before. Oh, Jesus! 
:'''Saul''': Marion—
:'''Marion''': The death of me! He's gonna be the death of me! 
:'''Saul''': Marion! Marion, it's gonna be alright. We'll get him outta there lickety-split.
:'''Marion''': I've been through this before. There's nothing lickety-split about it. Back when he was living in Albuquerque... Drunk in public, resisting arrest, urinating in—in some place he shouldn't have! And me on the telephone for hours long-distance, trying to find one of those bailout places. I maxed out my Discover card. I'm still paying for that one! 
:'''Saul''': Well, money's not gonna be a problem because I'm gonna help you with that.
:'''Marion''': No, Gene. I can't let you do that. No.
:'''Saul''': Sure you can. Jeff will pay me back. And you don't have to worry about a bondsman either, because guess what? In Omaha, they don't have 'em. Right? You just walk into the station, you pay out straight cash bail. It's not like Albuquerque at all. ''[beat; Marion starts growing suspicious]'' Marion, you still there?
:'''Marion''': Yeah, what... Why did Jeff call you instead of me?
:'''Saul''': Well, I think he was scared of how you'd take it. Honestly, I was gonna pay the bail myself, but I think it should be a family member. I think that'd be best. ''[brief pause]'' I'll tell you what. Let me take a shower, get dressed, and you do the same. I'll swing by and pick you up, we'll get this whole thing squared away. 
:'''Marion''': What about Buddy? Is he in any trouble?
:'''Saul''': I don't think so. Why would he be? ''Heh.'' I'll see you in about an hour. 
:'''Marion''': Yeah, okay. Yeah, thanks. 
:''[After she hangs up the phone, Marion unplugs her phone cord and connects it to her laptop.]'' 

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Saul has just discovered Marion watching videos on the internet. He opens up her laptop to find one of his old commercials playing, then re-shuts it.]''
:'''Saul''': What's that?
:'''Marion''': ...You tell me.
:'''Saul''': Marion, do you think that's me? 'Cause it's not.
:'''Marion''': There never was a Nippy, was there?
:'''Saul''': What did Jeff tell you?
:'''Marion''': Oh, he didn't tell me anything. [[w:AskJeeves | AskJeeves]] told me. I typed in &quot;conman&quot; and &quot;Albuquerque&quot;. And up you popped, big as day. ''[reaches for her phone]''
:'''Saul''': What are you doing, Marion?
:'''Marion''': What do you think I'm doing? I'm calling the police.
:'''Saul''': Here. Let me help you with that. ''[rips the phone line from the wall and backs Marion into a corner]'' Listen, I think we're losing sight of the bigger picture here, okay? Jeff is in trouble, and I wanna help him. He and I could sure use your support here.
:'''Marion''': What'd you get my son into?!
:'''Saul''': Nothing that he didn't ask for. ''[shoves Marion's chair to the side and wraps the phone cord around his fists]'' Listen, I'm still the good friend you thought I was, okay? Jeff understands me! Buddy understands me! And you will, too. You just have to, uh... You know, keep things on an even keel, alright?
:''[Marion pulls out her [[w:Life Alert Emergency Response | LifeAlert button]], threatening Jimmy with it as he closes in.]''
:'''Saul''': What have you got there? Put that down. Put that down, Marion. Put it down. Do not do it, Marion. Final warning... ''[takes it out of her grasp]''
:'''Marion''': I trusted you.
:''[Saul holds on to the button for a few moments, guilt quickly setting in before he lets it go. Marion grasps the button again and presses it.]''
:'''Valerie''': Marion? This is Valerie with LifeAlert. Are you okay?
:'''Marion''': No, Valerie, I'm not okay! There's a criminal standing in my kitchen, threatening me! He's a wanted man, and his name is Saul Goodman!
:'''Valerie''': Alright, Marion? I'm calling the police, I'm calling right now.
:''[Saul sprints out of the kitchen and exits the house. Marion looks on in shock.]''

=== ''Saul Gone'' [6.13] ===

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Better Call Saul seasons]]
[[Category:Split television seasons]]</text>
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    <title>Sonic the Hedgehog 2</title>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-11T19:35:56Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>162.197.99.132</ip>
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'''''[[w:Sonic the Hedgehog 2 (film)|Sonic the Hedgehog 2]]''''' (also simply known as '''''Sonic 2'''''), also known in [[Japan]] as '''''Sonic the Movie / Sonic VS Knuckles''''', is a 2022 American fantasy-action-adventure-comedy film based on the [[Sonic the Hedgehog|video game franchise]] published by Sega. The movie stars {{w|James Marsden}}, {{w|Tika Sumpter}}, {{w|Natasha Rothwell}}, {{w|Adam Pally}}, [[Jim Carrey]] as Robotnik, with the voices of {{w|Ben Schwartz}} as Sonic, {{w|Colleen O'Shaughnessey}}, and [[Idris Elba]]. It is also distributed by Paramount Pictures and a sequel to [[Sonic the Hedgehog (film)|first 2020 film]].

:''Directed by: {{w|Jeff Fowler}}. Produced by {{w|Neal H. Moritz}}, Toby Ascher, Toru Nakahara, and Hitoshi Okuno. Screenplay by [[w:Patrick Casey (writer)|Pat Casey]] &amp; [[w:Josh Miller (filmmaker)|Josh Miller]] and [[w:John Whittington (screenwriter)|John Whittington]].''
{{center|'''Welcome 2 the Next Level''' &lt;small&gt;(tagline)&lt;/small&gt;}}

== [[w:Sonic the Hedgehog (character)|Sonic the Hedgehog]] ==
* ''[from trailer]'' Quick stretch, little snack, and here we go.
* Blue Justice. Trademark pending.
* Morning, Wade! ''['''Wade''': Morning, Sonic!]''
* Good morning, Green Hills!
* Look, I stopped a robbery! I was a hero! ''['''Tom:''' No, you put people in danger and that's not what a hero does!]'' You're supposed to be my friend, stop trying to be my dad...
* I just got goosebumps. Wait a second. Did you steal that from Oprah?
* Today's forecast calls for a 100% chance of adventure!
* Okay, this is what we're gonna do. Step 1: Light taunting. Step 2: I have no idea.
* ''['''Tails:''' I got idea, do you trust me?]'' Of course not! I literally just met you!
* ''[to Robotnik]'' Okay, we gotta talk about your new look. It's like Professor X meets the Monopoly Man. Also, what kind of genius shows up to Siberia in a convertible?
* ''[Directing a missle back to Robotnik]'' Return to sender!
* Face it: you're never gonna get my power.
* ''[Driving a police car away from Knuckles. To Tails]'' I think we lost him. ''[Knuckles suddenly lands on the car and punches a hole through the roof]'' We've not lost him, we've definitely not lost him!
* ''[Snowboarding down a snowy slope, Knuckles catching up to him, doing the same]'' Oh, great. [[Captain America: The Winter Soldier|The Winter Soldier]]! 
* ''['''Knuckles''': You're unskilled… untrained… and unworthy!]'' You forgot one: unstoppable!
* ''[Fighting Knuckles]'' I don't wanna fight you, but you're not giving me much choice!
* For a guy named Knuckles, you are ''really'' bad at punching.
* Uh, meow?
* Water. Why did it have to be water?
* ''Gotta go fast.''
* STOP. SAYING. GROIN.
* ''[as Super Sonic]'' It's ''over'', Eggman.

== [[w:Tails (Sonic the Hedgehog)|Miles &quot;Tails&quot; Prower]] ==
* ''(from trailer)'' Name's Tails.
* Wow, okay, let me just say it is an honor to finally meet you, Sonic. Is it okay if I call you Sonic? Everyone calls me &quot;Tails&quot;. You're probably wondering why. ''['''Sonic:''' Let me guess... because of the extra tail?]'' That's right! I should have known you'd get that!
* That's Knuckles. The last of the Echidnas and the most dangerous warrior in the galaxy. He's obsessed with finding the Master Emerald.
* Ha ha ha! A butt-copter!
* ''[Repeated line]'' Only Sonic the Hedgehog...
* Growing up, I didn't have any friends. Everyone in my village thought my two tails were weird. ''['''Sonic:''' Hey, I know that feeling.]'' But then I saw you; the fastest creature in the galaxy. You were weird too, but you were a legend. That made me think, maybe being weird isn't so bad. You inspired me to leave my village, to find you and help you on your mission.
* ''[Flying inside Robotnik's giant robot]'' Looks like your fancy robot has a glitch! ''[Makes multiple holographic images of himself to confuse Robotnik]'' Is it me? What about me? I'm over here! Up top! Down below! Behind you! I'm over here! Sorry! Over here! Too slow! Missed me again!

== [[w:Knuckles the Echidna|Knuckles the Echidna]] ==
* Do I look like I need ''your'' power?
* ''[Hanging off the side of a cliff, sees several of Robotnik's drones pointed at him]'' You think these machines are a match for me? I will shatter them like the bones of a fallen-! ''[Looks below and sees that the robots have attached themselves to the cliff for him to walk on]'' Oh, they are stairs.
* I understand ''nothing'' of what you just said.
* Sonic the Hedgehog… you're no match for me.
* I am an echidna warrior.
* You're unskilled, untrained, and unworthy!
* You're no match for me. I've been training for this my entire life!
* '''Dis''... is how I roll.
* ''[As Robotnik betrays him]'' That wasn't the deal!
* But I trusted you! You were my friend!
* ''[After Sonic hits him with a sandball]'' How dare you attack me in my hour of sorrow! ''[Gets hit with another sandball]''
* ''[To the Wachowskis, after Sonic has been transformed into &quot;Super Sonic&quot; by the Chaos Emeralds]'' Wait! You cannot touch him! The hedgehog holds the power of the Emerald. Sorry, he's no longer the Sonic you once knew. ''[Sonic uses his power...to summon a chili dog for him to eat. He then makes two more chili dogs, which both land on Knuckles' face]'' Okay, he is ''exactly'' the Sonic you once knew.

== [[w:Doctor Eggman|Dr. Robotnik]] ==
* Doctor's log. It is day 243 in this... Portabello purgatory... My only companion is a rock I named &quot;Stone&quot;. The question is... for whom am I narrating this? It seems I have become a feature player in the theater of the absurd. Marooned in deep space by that wretched blue rodent. But it is all good thanks to a breathable atmosphere and my supreme intellect, sharpened against the only competitor savvy enough to br-r-r-r-ring it.
* Since I've been gone, I've discovered the source of ultimate power!
* Where are my manners? Sonic, meet Knuckles. My new BFF-A-E. My bestest friend forever and ever.
* ''[referring to finding the source of ultimate power]'' ''['''Stone:''' That sounds big.]'' It's been on my vision board for years.
* Papa's got a brand new 'stache!
* ''[In the Emerald temple's maze, he and Knuckles run from a giant spiked metal ball rolling at them, a la Indiana Jones]'' I don't wanna die like this; it's derivative!
* ''[After dodging more booby traps in the Emerald temple's maze]'' I've solved it: there's a booby trap every seven seco-- ''[Just as he says seconds, a giant axe swings down right in front of Robotnik, just brushing against his mustache, and then imbeds itself into the wall]'' That was a little early. ''[Briefly looks down, then exhales with relief]'' So glad it didn't cut off my...mustache.
* ''[doing commentary on Sonic and Knuckles' fight]'' The echidna's taking no prisoners today! Sonic has heart, but will he lose the &quot;quill&quot; to live?
* Hedgehog, it's time to say goodbye to humanity.
* Welcome to the new norm!
* Someone call an Uber? It's cold in here. Let's turn up the heat.
* ''[Sonic redirects a missile back to Robotnik's robot, hitting it in its knee. The impact jolts the robot to where Stone is slammed against the wall and knocked out]'' Stone? Oh, great. Next thing you know, there'll be a report about a hostile work environment!
* ''['''Super Sonic:''' It's over, Eggman.]'' I like the new look. It works for you. What do you say we just let bygones be bygones? I did some things, you did some things. There are good people on both sides. ''[presses buttons in his glove to control his robot's right arm]'' Surely two intelligent beings... can work these things '''''OUT!!''' [tries to punch Super Sonic, who blocks the fist and disintegrates it, then proceeds to smash through the robot... and tip it over with the toe of his shoe]'' Oh, it's like that? Okay, we're not friends! '''LATER, HATER!'''

== Tom Wachowski ==
* Sonic, I love that you want to help make a difference, but you're being reckless... Pretending to be Batman.
* Sonic, taking care of yourself is not what being a hero is all about. It's about taking responsibility for other people. And now, whether you wanna hear this or not, you are still just a kid. You got some more growing up to do before you're ready to be a hero. Trust me, there will come a time when your powers will be needed. But you don't choose that moment. That moment chooses you.
* ''[after Sonic calls him &quot;Dad&quot;]'' I'll race you to the truck. 1, 2, 3, go!

== Agent Stone ==
* ''[surprised by Robotnik's return to Earth]'' He's back. '''''HE'S BACK!'''''

== Dialogue ==
:'''Dr. Robotnik''': Thank you, Stone! It's time to say goodbye to this... piece of shiitake planet!
:''[Robotnik licks Sonic's quill, electrocuting himself again before making a beeline for the Ring portal in slow motion. However, he stops at the sight of a silhouette then gasps as he stops in his tracks falling on his back as we see the creature's hand, encased in a massive white boxing glove-like glove with twin spikes. In a close up of his face, the creature reveals himself to be a red anthropomorphic echidna marching right up to him with his eyes glowing purple. The echidna, Knuckles, walks up to Robotnik before noticing Sonic's quill in his palm.]''
:'''Knuckles''': Where did you get that?
:''[Robotnik looks to Sonic's quill in his hand and swiftly lifts it in between their faces]''
:'''Robotnik''': From a little blue menace on a planet called Earth.
:''[Knuckles looks at Robotnik sternly]''
:'''Robotnik''': I'd be happy to show you the way.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hostage''': What the heck are you?!
:'''Sonic''': Fear not, citizen. I am the hero you need and the hero you deserve. The blue dawn that banishes the darkest– HOLY CRAP!
:''[Sonic spots a pedestrian on the road and proceed to scream with the hostage as he takes the wheel and drives around her. The hostage continues to scream.]''
:'''Sonic''': Don't worry! Nobody's gonna get hurt!
:''[The chase continues as the bag of dynamite proceeds to slide right next to Sonic]''
:'''Sonic''': Huh, what are those?
:'''Hostage''': Bombs, '''BOMBS! THEY’RE BOMBS!''' Those are bombs!
:'''Sonic''': Relax, they're not even lit! so I'll say again, nobody's gonna get–
:''[The dynamite sticks turn on as their fuses ignite]''
:'''Sonic''': '''AHH!!''' I was wrong! We're all gonna die!
:'''Hostage''': Why aren't you slowing down?!
:'''Sonic''': That would require brakes.
:''[Sonic presses on the breaks to no avail as they are blocked by an unconscious bank robber, and he takes the bag of dynamite with his foot and picks it up with his hand]''
:'''Sonic''': Ahh! Ohh! Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot!
:'''Hostage''': Why don't you just let the police handle this?!
:'''Sonic''': Because that's ''not'' what heroes do!
:''[Sonic throws all the dynamite sticks out the window. They all fall into a random garbage truck before they explode, scattering its trash everywhere]''
:'''Sonic''': Thank you very much! Please hold your applause!
:''[Trash falls on the windshield of the truck. The chase continues. The hostage hears a hissing.]''
:'''Hostage''': Hey, ya hear that? There's one bomb left!
:'''Sonic''': Uh-oh.
:''[Sonic zooms toward the truck's small cubby and proceeds to look under]''
:'''Hostage''': Did you check under the seat?
:'''Sonic''': Of course I checked under the seat!
:''[The chase still continues]''
:'''Hostage''': You are terrible at this!
:''[Sonic latches onto the wire on the door separating him and the hostage]''
:'''Sonic''': You know what? Your negative attitude is ''not'' helping anyone!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sonic''': No need to thank me, citizens! All in the work for… Blue Justice!
:'''Hostage''': You're a terrible hero!
:''[Sonic laughs as he zips away]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sonic''': I can take care of myself.
:'''Tom''': Sonic, taking care of yourself is not what being a hero is all about. It's about taking responsibility for other people. And now, whether you wanna hear this or not, you are still just a kid. You got some more growing up to do before you're ready to be a hero. Trust me, there will come a time when your powers will be needed. But you don't choose that moment. That moment chooses you.
:'''Sonic''': Whoa. Look at you. Look, I just got– I just got goosebumps. Wait a second, did you steal that from Oprah?
:'''Tom''': No, sir, it's a Wachowski family special. Came from my dad, in this very boat, in this very lake. He would always try and steer me in the right direction. That's what Maddie and I always try to do with you. So, until your moment arrives, I want you to work on being more responsible. Comprende?
:'''Sonic''': Comprende. High-five on it!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Robotnik uses a taser to cut open the knob of the door then opens it]''
:'''Sonic''': ''[shocked]'' Eggman?
:''[Robotnik blows out the taser like a candle then faces Sonic]''
:'''Robotnik''': Hello, hedgehog! Did you miss me?
:'''Sonic''': I don't know how you got back, but you made a big mistake coming here.
:'''Robotnik''': ''Au contraire, mon frere.'' The mistake was thinking that you've won. But that was just a prelude, an ''hors d'oeuvre'', an aperitif, an Amuse-bouche–
:'''Sonic''': I get it.
:'''Robotnik''': ''[chuckles as he walks forward waving a finger]'' I don't think you do, but you will, and so will that idiot sheriff and his wife.
:''[Sonic makes a fist with blue energy building up]''
:'''Robotnik''': [[The Wizard of Oz (1939 film)|And your little dog, too!]]
:''[Sonic rushes up and time slows as he prepares to punch Robotnik in the face but he backs away to reveal Knuckles leaping right at Sonic. Time goes back to normal as he punches him right through a wall, destroying the TV. Sonic lays on the couch dazed, as he looks through the wall to see Knuckles looking right at him.]''
:'''Knuckles''': Pitiful. ''[walks through the hallways as Sonic gets up]''
:'''Sonic''': Who are you?
:'''Robotnik''': ''[sticks his head through the hole]'' Where are my manners? ''[walks through the hallway and stands right behind Knuckles]'' Sonic... meet Knuckles. My new BFF-A-E. My bestest friend forever and ''ever''.
:'''Sonic''': ''[gets on the floor and gets his bag of Rings as he wears it like a strapped backpack]'' Look, Robotnik, I don't care who you bring to help you. You're never gonna get my power.
:'''Knuckles''': Do I look like I need ''your'' power?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tails''': Wow. OK, let me just say it is an honor to finally meet you, Sonic. Is it OK if I call you Sonic? ''(My name's Miles Prower.)'' Everyone calls me &quot;Tails&quot;. You're probably wondering why.
:'''Sonic''': Let me guess, because of the extra tail?
:'''Tails''': That's right! I should've known you'd get that!
:'''Sonic''': Cool. Also, what is going on?! Robotnik's back, and who is [[Clifford the Big Red Dog (2000 TV series)|Clifford the Big Red Rage Monster]]?
:'''Tails''': Oh, that's Knuckles, the last of the echidnas and the most dangerous warrior in the galaxy. He's obsessed with finding the Master Emerald.
:'''Sonic''': Are you serious, the Master Emerald? That's just a bedtime story!
:'''Tails''': Well, he believes it's real, and he must think you're the key to finding it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tails''': Uh, Sonic? Where are we?
:'''Wade''': Welcome to the Wade Cave, which is something I hope to someday say to a woman. A woman who's not my mom.
:'''Sonic''': Wade, focus. We need to figure out why Knuckles thinks I'm the key to finding the Master Emerald, and why did he mention Longclaw?
:'''Tails''': There must be a connection.
:'''Sonic''': Wait a minute, there is. ''[gets out the safe worlds map and points to the emerald on it]'' There's an emerald on the map Longclaw gave me. I never knew what it meant before.
:''[The map glows as the black outlines turn green and shut the lights off.]''
:'''Tails''': Something's happening.
:''[Sonic lets go of the map and the map falls to the floor as green smoke surrounds the map. Then a hologram of Longclaw emerges from the map as she is spreading her wings.]''
:'''Sonic''': Longclaw?
:'''Longclaw''': Hello, Sonic. If you're watching this, then something has happened to me and I pray that you've made it to Earth unharmed. This world has been chosen for a very important reason. It's the secret location of the Master Emerald. ''[spreads her wings out, revealing an image of the Master Emerald, a green diamond]''
:'''Sonic''': Woah...
:'''Longclaw''': The emerald has the power to turn thoughts into reality.
:'''Wade''': Just like the {{w|Stay Puft Marshmallow Man}} from ''[[Ghostbusters]]''.
:'''Tails''': Shhh.
:'''Longclaw''': In the wrong hands, it can threaten all life in the universe. Protecting the emerald was my sacred duty, and now I must pass that responsibility to you.
:'''Sonic''': This is my moment.
:'''Longclaw''': Follow the map, find the emerald, and keep it safe. Sonic, you have a heart like no other creature I've met. I love you so much. Goodbye.
:''[The hologram ends as Longclaw sinks into the map, fading.]''
:'''Sonic''': No, no, no, wait.
:''[The hologram of Longclaw's feather floats into Sonic's hand, which fades as he closes his hands.]''
:'''Sonic''': I won't let you down, Longclaw.
:''[Tails looks concerned for Sonic.]''
:'''Wade''': So, is he like... your dad?
:'''Tails''': What?
:'''Wade''': No?
:'''Sonic''': ''[walks over to the map and picks it up]'' According to the map, the first clue is in Siberia. It's a compass that'll lead us to the emerald.
:'''Tails''': And with Knuckles already here, it's a race.
:'''Wade''': &quot;Knuckles&quot;… Ya know, I knew a kid in middle school named Knuckles. Could fit his whole fist in his mouth. If this is the same Knuckles, then we're screwed.
:'''Sonic''': This Knuckles, that Knuckles, doesn't matter. We're gonna get there first. ''[throws a Ring and opens a portal that has Siberia on the other side]''
:'''Tails''': Hehehe, ummm. What do you mean &quot;we&quot;?
:'''Sonic''': You're coming with me.
:'''Tails''': Oh, no, no, no, no. I-I just came here to warn you. I'm not a field guy.
:'''Sonic''': Don't worry, I got your back. I'm not gonna let anything happen to you. ''[makes a fist and lifts it to Tails, who walks over to him]'' It's a power bump. On Earth, it means an unbreakable promise.
:'''Tails''': Okay, I'm in! ''[he and Tails power bump]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tails''': Check this out.
:'''Sonic''': Can you translate that?
:'''Tails''': Yeah. Ages ago, a fearsome group of warriors – known as the echidnas – forged the seven Chaos Emeralds into the most unstoppable weapon ever created.
:'''Sonic''': The Master Emerald.
:'''Tails''': With it, a single warrior could defeat entire armies. Believing no one should have such power, an order of heroes recovered the emerald and swore to protect it from evil. Sounds like the owls and echidnas have been fighting each other (over that emerald) for centuries.
:'''Sonic''': Like {{w|Vin Diesel}} and [[Dwayne Johnson|The Rock]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sonic''': Has anyone ever told you you've got serious anger issues?
:'''Knuckles''': You mock me with your weak jokes, but you know nothing about me, hedgehog.
:'''Sonic''': Well, I know you echidnas have a habit of showing up uninvited and ruining my life!
:'''Knuckles''': Ruining your life? Another bad joke. ''[becoming more pensive and sad]'' I lost ''everything'' because of you. My tribe was on the verge of its greatest victory. The last of the owl warriors were located; soon, Longclaw's Emerald secrets would be ours. But my father stopped me from joining the fight. He said my moment to honor our tribe would come, but it was not this moment. Those were the last words he spoke to me. I never saw him again.
:'''Sonic''': ''[somberly]'' We both lost everything that day.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rachel''': Randall, why do all of your friends have weapons?
:'''Walters''': You really should have taken me up on that brunch, Mr. and Mrs. Wachowski.
:'''Tom''': Olive Garden guy?
:'''Walters''': It's okay, everyone. We're federal agents. You, too, agent. Go ahead.
:'''Rachel''': ''[as Randall reveals his badge]'' You mean to tell me that this entire wedding was a setup?!
:'''Randall''': Rachel, wait a minute.
:'''Rachel''': What?
:'''Walters''': That's correct, ma'am. Every single aspect of Operation Catfish was a complete fabrication.
:'''Rachel''': Operation Catfish?! So is everyone here an agent?! ''[to the priest]'' Are you an agent?! ''[the (agent) Priest reveals his taser inside his book]'' Son of a… Was the florist an agent?! How about the photographer? The woman who waxed my… at the spa? Is Jojo an agent?
:'''Randall''': Rachel.
:'''Jojo''': What?
:'''Randall''': Rachel, listen to me. (I can explain.)
:'''Rachel''': ''[fueled with rage]'' I'M DONE LISTENING! I AM DONE LISTENING!!
:'''Randall''': I am so sorry. I am so sorry. I really am. I am so sorry.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Walters''': Something bothering you, agent?
:'''Randall''': I just feel a little guilty about what I did to Rachel, sir.
:'''Walters''': Don't worry about it. We'll send her a gift card. Now, I propose a toast. To a perfectly executed operation.
:'''G.U.N. Agent''': Sir, we're under attack.
:'''Rachel''': '''''RANDALL, WIFEY'S HOME!!!'''''
:'''Randall''': Oh, my god. Rachel. What... a... Woman.
:'''Rachel''': You no-good, lowdown, dirty, lying…
:'''Randall''': Rachel, just listen to me.
:'''Rachel''': '''WHAT KIND OF TWISTED SICKO TRICKS SOMEONE INTO A ''FAKE WEDDING?!'''''
:'''Walters''': Party's over, bridezilla. Stop right there.
:'''Rachel''': You son of a…
:'''Walters''': Have it your way.
:'''Randall''': No! No!
:'''Walters''': Very disappointing, Agent Handel. Is that supposed to be a weapon?
:'''Rachel''': I don't know, but we gonna find out!
:'''Walters''': Haven't you caused enough trouble for one day?
:'''Rachel''': I haven't even begun causing trouble! Hell hath no fury like a bride scorned! Looks like it's real, huh? No. Right.
:'''Randall''': Be honest. How bad is it?
:'''Rachel''': Not bad at all. You got tased. You'll be fine.
:'''Randall''': I'm so cold.
:'''Rachel''': You landed on our ice sculpture. Get up. Just… Just tell me the truth, for once. Is there anything about you or about us that was real?
:'''Randall''': Rachel, look at me. Before I met you, I didn't think that I was even capable of real happiness, but that all changed when you walked into my life, and I ended up breaking the first rule of undercover work.
:'''Rachel''': Which is...?
:'''Randall''': Never fall in love.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Sonic crashes through the ceiling of the Master Emerald's chamber, in front of Robotnik and Knuckles, poison darts stuck in his quills]''
:'''Sonic''': ''[coughs]'' Nailed it. ''[A giant mace ball lands right behind him]''
:'''Robotnik''': This guy is always trying to spoil a bad thing!
:'''Sonic''': Oh, you guys are here too? ''[Shakes the darts off his quills]'' Took the long way, huh?
:'''Knuckles''': Is everything a joke to you? Why must you constantly interfere with my destiny?
:'''Sonic''': Because ''my'' destiny is to protect my friends and family!
:'''Robotnik''': I think I just threw up in my mouth.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[As Knuckles goes to crush him with a large rock, Sonic spots Robotnik reaching his hands out to the Emerald]''
:'''Sonic''': Knuckles, stop! Robotnik is stealing the Emerald!
:'''Knuckles''': What kinda fool do you take me for?
:'''Sonic''': Just look!
:''[Following Sonic's attention, Knuckles looks over his shoulder to look at Robotnik]''
:'''Robotnik''': Mine...
:''[As Robotnik goes to grab the Master Emerald, Knuckles shouts as if stopping him]''
:'''Knuckles''': Wait, that wasn't the deal! ''[drops the rock]''
:'''Robotnik''': Oh, you poor naive creature. It's not your fault. A more advanced intellect would've seen this move coming a mile away, or 1.6 kilometers.
:'''Knuckles''': But I trusted you! You were my friend!
:'''Robotnik''': ''[laughing]'' Sorry, that just hit me funny. Let this be my final to you, you dimwitted celestial skintag. Friends are open, honest and vulnerable with each other, which means X square times the hypotenuse of Y square divided by the absolute power of friendship equals, dookie!
:'''Sonic''': Oh, no!
:''[Robotnik grabs hold of the Emerald and a wave of green energy surrounds him. The force knocks Sonic and Knuckles off of their feet]''
:'''Robotnik''': Chaos is power...!
:''[With his jacket turned black and the lenses on his goggles and the trim turned green, Robotnik and the Emerald disappear. The whole temple starts to collapse]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Sonic is washed on the beach, saved by Knuckles]''
:'''Sonic''': You saved me?
:'''Knuckles''': ''[sits and frowns]'' Don't talk to me, I'm not in the mood. ''[gets hit by a sandball from Sonic]'' How dare you attack me in my hour of sorrow?!
:'''Sonic''': ''[throws another sandball at Knuckles]'' Why did you save me?
:'''Knuckles''': ''[throws a large sandball that almost completely buries Sonic]'' Because you saved me first, which clearly gave you a tactical advantage I do not understand.
:'''Sonic''': ''[shakes sand off of himself]'' It wasn't a tactic. I couldn't just let you die.
:'''Knuckles''': But why? I've been trying to destroy you since the moment we met.
:'''Sonic''': Because being a hero isn't about taking care of yourself, it's about taking responsibility for other people.
:'''Knuckles''': Wise words. An ancient Earth proverb?
:'''Sonic''': No, sir, it's a Wachowski family special. I got it from a guy in a rowboat. Someone who means a lot to me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%/&gt;
:'''Knuckles''': Those were our best attacks, and they did nothing.
:'''Tails''': We can't beat Robotnik as long as he's got that emerald. He's too powerful.
:'''Sonic''': Look, we aren't strong enough to beat Robotnik on our own, but there's three of us. ''[to Knuckles]'' Your strength... ''[to Tails]'' ...Your smarts, and my speed, together. That's how we win.
:'''Knuckles''': So we make our stand here on the field of battle.
:'''Tails''': As a team!
:'''Sonic''': This is it. This is our moment!
:'''Robotnik''': Time to fight.
:'''Sonic''': Bad time to say this, but I don't actually have a plan. Tails, any ideas?
:'''Tails''': We have to find his weak spot.
:'''Knuckles''': I suggest the groin.
:'''Sonic''': What? No, no!
:'''Knuckles''': Traditionally, yes. The groin is the weakest spot.
:'''Sonic''': Stop saying &quot;groin&quot;.
:'''Robotnik''': Hedgehog!
:'''Sonic''': Look out! I know what his weak spot is, it's me! I'm the groin! Think about it! I live rent-free in this dude's head, so if I go out there and rile him up...
:'''Knuckles''': He'll focus on only you, leaving himself open to a flanking maneuver from me and the fox! Hedgehog, you are a brave and noble warrior! Go to your certain death with honor!
:'''Sonic''': We're going to have to work on your pep talks, pal.
:'''Tails''': Yeah.
:'''Sonic''': Let's go.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sonic''': OK, this is what we're gonna do. Step 1: Light taunting. Step 2: I have no idea.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Robotnik has been defeated, Knuckles repairs the Master Emerald and brings it to Sonic and Tails]''
:'''Knuckles''': I've spent my entire life questing for this. Now I have it, now ''we'' have it. What can we do with it? What next?
:'''Tails''': There were once two orders of heroes who protected the galaxy from those who used the Emerald for evil.
:'''Knuckles''': But they've all passed on to the great battlefield in the sky.
:'''Sonic''': So we start a new order. The three of us.
:'''Knuckles''': This is no light task. We must make a vow: to use our powers to keep the universe safe, to watch out for each other; our new tribe.
:'''Tails''': Oh, I know! A power bump! ''[Holds out his fist]''
:'''Sonic''': Good idea! ''[Puts his fist against Tails', Knuckles looks at them confused]''
:'''Tails''': It's an Earth custom. An unbreakable promise.
:'''Knuckles''': Very well. A power bump it is. ''[Puts his fist against Sonic and Tails' fists]''
:'''Sonic''': POWER BUMP!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom''': ''[to Sonic before getting ice cream with Tails, Knuckles, Maddie and Ozzy]'' Oh, I'm happy for you, pal. You got your wingmen. Perfect friends they never grow up with.
:'''Tails''': Come on, Knuckles.
:'''Knuckles''': Ah, my victory chariot! ''[jumps into the back of the truck]''
:'''Sonic''': I got a lot more than that… Dad.
:''[Tom smiles at him]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mid-credits scene]''
:'''Walters''': Agent, I want an update.
:'''Agent Faucet''': Still searching, sir. We haven't found any sign of Robotnik.
:'''Walters''': No one could've survived that crash. He's toast. Good riddance. What a mess that lunatic made.
:''[A masked G.U.N. solider walks behind the pair, pulling his mask down to reveal himself to be Stone with a scar on his face.]''
:'''Faucet''': Sir, there’s something else. When we were wiping Robotnik off our database, we found something — a file buried deep in our system and dating back [[Sonic Adventure 2|over 50 years]].
:'''Walters''': What was it?
:'''Faucet''': Coordinates, sir.
:'''Walters''': Coordinates... to what?
:''[Scene cuts to a laboratory, where a containment capsule is opening, revealing a dormant black and red hedgehog, resembling Sonic, inside it]''
:'''Faucet''': ''[voice over]'' A secret research facility. It was a black site, sir. Someone worked very hard to keep this hidden.
:'''Walters''': ''[voice over; realizes]'' My god... [[w:Shadow the Hedgehog|Project Shadow]].
: ''[Shadow opens his eyes which ignite with energy]''

== Cast ==
* '''{{w|James Marsden}} – Tom Wachowski'''
* '''[[Jim Carrey]] – [[w:Doctor Eggman|Robotnik]]'''
* '''''{{w|Tika Sumpter}} – Maddie Wachowski'''''
* ''{{w|Natasha Rothwell}} – Rachel''
* '''''{{w|Adam Pally}} – Wade'''''
* {{w|Shemar Moore}} – Randall
* '''''{{w|Lee Majdoub}} – Stone'''''
* ''[[w:Tom Butler (actor)|Tom Butler]] – Walters''
* Melody Niemann – Jojo
* Sarah Surh – Agent Faucet

===Voices===
* '''{{w|Ben Schwartz}} – [[w:Sonic the Hedgehog (character)|Sonic]]'''
* '''''{{w|Colleen O'Shaughnessey}} – [[w:Tails (Sonic the Hedgehog)|Tails]]'''''
* '''''[[Idris Elba]] – {{w|Knuckles the Echidna}}'''''
* {{w|Donna Jay Fulks}} – Longclaw

== External Links ==
{{wikipedia|Sonic the Hedgehog 2 (film)}}

[[Category:2022 films]]
[[Category:2020s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:Japanese films]]
[[Category:American children's animated action films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comic science fiction films]]
[[Category:American children's animated science fantasy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated superhero films]]
[[Category:Theatrically released animated superhero films]]
[[Category:Sonic the Hedgehog]]
[[Category:American films with live action and animation]]
[[Category:Films based on video games]]
[[Category:Animated films about revenge]]
[[Category:Animated films based on video games]]
[[Category:Animated films about robots]]
[[Category:Animated films about friendship]]
[[Category:Films about vacationing]]
[[Category:Films about revenge]]
[[Category:Films about terrorism]]
[[Category:Films set in Hawaii]]
[[Category:Films set in Montana]]
[[Category:Films set in Russia]]
[[Category:Films set in Seattle]]
[[Category:Films based on Sonic the Hedgehog]]
[[Category:Sequel films]]</text>
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'''''[[w:Sonic the Hedgehog 2 (film)|Sonic the Hedgehog 2]]''''' (also simply known as '''''Sonic 2'''''), also known in [[Japan]] as '''''Sonic the Movie / Sonic VS Knuckles''''', is a 2022 American fantasy-action-adventure-comedy film based on the [[Sonic the Hedgehog|video game franchise]] published by Sega. The movie stars {{w|James Marsden}}, {{w|Tika Sumpter}}, {{w|Natasha Rothwell}}, {{w|Adam Pally}}, [[Jim Carrey]] as Robotnik, with the voices of {{w|Ben Schwartz}} as Sonic, {{w|Colleen O'Shaughnessey}}, and [[Idris Elba]]. It is also distributed by Paramount Pictures and a sequel to [[Sonic the Hedgehog (film)|first 2020 film]].

:''Directed by: {{w|Jeff Fowler}}. Produced by {{w|Neal H. Moritz}}, Toby Ascher, Toru Nakahara, and Hitoshi Okuno. Screenplay by [[w:Patrick Casey (writer)|Pat Casey]] &amp; [[w:Josh Miller (filmmaker)|Josh Miller]] and [[w:John Whittington (screenwriter)|John Whittington]].''
{{center|'''Welcome 2 the Next Level''' &lt;small&gt;(tagline)&lt;/small&gt;}}

== [[w:Sonic the Hedgehog (character)|Sonic the Hedgehog]] ==
* ''[from trailer]'' Quick stretch, little snack, and here we go.
* Blue Justice. Trademark pending.
* Morning, Wade! ''['''Wade''': Morning, Sonic!]''
* Good morning, Green Hills!
* Look, I stopped a robbery! I was a hero! ''['''Tom:''' No, you put people in danger and that's not what a hero does!]'' You're supposed to be my friend, stop trying to be my dad...
* I just got goosebumps. Wait a second. Did you steal that from Oprah?
* Today's forecast calls for a 100% chance of adventure!
* Okay, this is what we're gonna do. Step 1: Light taunting. Step 2: I have no idea.
* ''['''Tails:''' I got idea, do you trust me?]'' Of course not! I literally just met you!
* ''[to Robotnik]'' Okay, we gotta talk about your new look. It's like Professor X meets the Monopoly Man. Also, what kind of genius shows up to Siberia in a convertible?
* ''[Directing a missle back to Robotnik]'' Return to sender!
* Face it: you're never gonna get my power.
* ''[Driving a police car away from Knuckles. To Tails]'' I think we lost him. ''[Knuckles suddenly lands on the car and punches a hole through the roof]'' We've not lost him, we've definitely not lost him!
* ''[Snowboarding down a snowy slope, Knuckles catching up to him, doing the same]'' Oh, great. [[Captain America: The Winter Soldier|The Winter Soldier]]! 
* ''['''Knuckles''': You're unskilled… untrained… and unworthy!]'' You forgot one: unstoppable!
* ''[Fighting Knuckles]'' I don't wanna fight you, but you're not giving me much choice!
* For a guy named Knuckles, you are ''really'' bad at punching.
* Uh, meow?
* Water. Why did it have to be water?
* ''Gotta go fast.''
* STOP. SAYING. GROIN.
* ''[as Super Sonic]'' It's ''over'', Eggman.

== [[w:Tails (Sonic the Hedgehog)|Miles &quot;Tails&quot; Prower]] ==
* ''(from trailer)'' Name's Tails.
* Wow, okay, let me just say it is an honor to finally meet you, Sonic. Is it okay if I call you Sonic? Everyone calls me &quot;Tails&quot;. You're probably wondering why. ''['''Sonic:''' Let me guess... because of the extra tail?]'' That's right! I should have known you'd get that!
* That's Knuckles. The last of the Echidnas and the most dangerous warrior in the galaxy. He's obsessed with finding the Master Emerald.
* Ha ha ha! A butt-copter!
* ''[Repeated line]'' Only Sonic the Hedgehog...
* Growing up, I didn't have any friends. Everyone in my village thought my two tails were weird. ''['''Sonic:''' Hey, I know that feeling.]'' But then I saw you; the fastest creature in the galaxy. You were weird too, but you were a legend. That made me think, maybe being weird isn't so bad. You inspired me to leave my village, to find you and help you on your mission.
* ''[Flying inside Robotnik's giant robot]'' Looks like your fancy robot has a glitch! ''[Makes multiple holographic images of himself to confuse Robotnik]'' Is it me? What about me? I'm over here! Up top! Down below! Behind you! I'm over here! Sorry! Over here! Too slow! Missed me again!

== [[w:Knuckles the Echidna|Knuckles the Echidna]] ==
* Do I look like I need ''your'' power?
* ''[Hanging off the side of a cliff, sees several of Robotnik's drones pointed at him]'' You think these machines are a match for me? I will shatter them like the bones of a fallen-! ''[Looks below and sees that the robots have attached themselves to the cliff for him to walk on]'' Oh, they are stairs.
* I understand ''nothing'' of what you just said.
* Sonic the Hedgehog… you're no match for me.
* I am an echidna warrior.
* You're unskilled, untrained, and unworthy!
* You're no match for me. I've been training for this my entire life!
* '''Dis''... is how I roll.
* ''[As Robotnik betrays him]'' That wasn't the deal!
* But I trusted you! You were my friend!
* ''[After Sonic hits him with a sandball]'' How dare you attack me in my hour of sorrow! ''[Gets hit with another sandball]''
* ''[To the Wachowskis, after Sonic has been transformed into &quot;Super Sonic&quot; by the Chaos Emeralds]'' Wait! You cannot touch him! The hedgehog holds the power of the Emerald. Sorry, he's no longer the Sonic you once knew. ''[Sonic uses his power...to summon a chili dog for him to eat. He then makes two more chili dogs, which both land on Knuckles' face]'' Okay, he is ''exactly'' the Sonic you once knew.

== [[w:Doctor Eggman|Dr. Robotnik]] ==
* Doctor's log. It is day 243 in this... Portabello purgatory... My only companion is a rock I named &quot;Stone&quot;. The question is... for whom am I narrating this? It seems I have become a feature player in the theater of the absurd. Marooned in deep space by that wretched blue rodent. But it is all good thanks to a breathable atmosphere and my supreme intellect, sharpened against the only competitor savvy enough to br-r-r-r-ring it.
* Since I've been gone, I've discovered the source of ultimate power!
* Where are my manners? Sonic, meet Knuckles. My new BFF-A-E. My bestest friend forever and ever.
* ''[referring to finding the source of ultimate power]'' ''['''Stone:''' That sounds big.]'' It's been on my vision board for years.
* Papa's got a brand new 'stache!
* ''[In the Emerald temple's maze, he and Knuckles run from a giant spiked metal ball rolling at them, a la Indiana Jones]'' I don't wanna die like this; it's derivative!
* ''[After dodging more booby traps in the Emerald temple's maze]'' I've solved it: there's a booby trap every seven seco-- ''[Just as he says seconds, a giant axe swings down right in front of Robotnik, just brushing against his mustache, and then imbeds itself into the wall]'' That was a little early. ''[Briefly looks down, then exhales with relief]'' So glad it didn't cut off my...mustache.
* ''[doing commentary on Sonic and Knuckles' fight]'' The echidna's taking no prisoners today! Sonic has heart, but will he lose the &quot;quill&quot; to live?
* Hedgehog, it's time to say goodbye to humanity.
* Welcome to the new norm!
* Someone call an Uber? It's cold in here. Let's turn up the heat.
* ''[Sonic redirects a missile back to Robotnik's robot, hitting it in its knee. The impact jolts the robot to where Stone is slammed against the wall and knocked out]'' Stone? Oh, great. Next thing you know, there'll be a report about a hostile work environment!
* ''['''Super Sonic:''' It's over, Eggman.]'' I like the new look. It works for you. What do you say we just let bygones be bygones? I did some things, you did some things. There are good people on both sides. ''[presses buttons in his glove to control his robot's right arm]'' Surely two intelligent beings... can work these things '''''OUT!!''' [tries to punch Super Sonic, who blocks the fist and disintegrates it, then proceeds to smash through the robot... and tip it over with the toe of his shoe]'' Oh, it's like that? Okay, we're not friends! '''LATER, HATER!'''

== Tom Wachowski ==
* Sonic, I love that you want to help make a difference, but you're being reckless... Pretending to be Batman.
* Sonic, taking care of yourself is not what being a hero is all about. It's about taking responsibility for other people. And now, whether you wanna hear this or not, you are still just a kid. You got some more growing up to do before you're ready to be a hero. Trust me, there will come a time when your powers will be needed. But you don't choose that moment. That moment chooses you.
* ''[after Sonic calls him &quot;Dad&quot;]'' I'll race you to the truck. 1, 2, 3, go!

== Agent Stone ==
* ''[surprised by Robotnik's return to Earth]'' He's back. '''''HE'S BACK!'''''

== Dialogue ==
:'''Dr. Robotnik''': Thank you, Stone! It's time to say goodbye to this... piece of shiitake planet!
:''[Robotnik licks Sonic's quill, electrocuting himself again before making a beeline for the Ring portal in slow motion. However, he stops at the sight of a silhouette then gasps as he stops in his tracks falling on his back as we see the creature's hand, encased in a massive white boxing glove-like glove with twin spikes. In a close up of his face, the creature reveals himself to be a red anthropomorphic echidna marching right up to him with his eyes glowing purple. The echidna, Knuckles, walks up to Robotnik before noticing Sonic's quill in his palm.]''
:'''Knuckles''': Where did you get that?
:''[Robotnik looks to Sonic's quill in his hand and swiftly lifts it in between their faces]''
:'''Robotnik''': From a little blue menace on a planet called Earth.
:''[Knuckles looks at Robotnik sternly]''
:'''Robotnik''': I'd be happy to show you the way.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Hostage''': What the heck are you?!
:'''Sonic''': Fear not, citizen. I am the hero you need and the hero you deserve. The blue dawn that banishes the darkest– HOLY CRAP!
:''[Sonic spots a pedestrian on the road and proceed to scream with the hostage as he takes the wheel and drives around her. The hostage continues to scream.]''
:'''Sonic''': Don't worry! Nobody's gonna get hurt!
:''[The chase continues as the bag of dynamite proceeds to slide right next to Sonic]''
:'''Sonic''': Huh, what are those?
:'''Hostage''': Bombs, '''BOMBS! THEY’RE BOMBS!''' Those are bombs!
:'''Sonic''': Relax, they're not even lit! so I'll say again, nobody's gonna get–
:''[The dynamite sticks turn on as their fuses ignite]''
:'''Sonic''': '''AHH!!''' I was wrong! We're all gonna die!
:'''Hostage''': Why aren't you slowing down?!
:'''Sonic''': That would require brakes.
:''[Sonic presses on the breaks to no avail as they are blocked by an unconscious bank robber, and he takes the bag of dynamite with his foot and picks it up with his hand]''
:'''Sonic''': Ahh! Ohh! Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot!
:'''Hostage''': Why don't you just let the police handle this?!
:'''Sonic''': Because that's ''not'' what heroes do!
:''[Sonic throws all the dynamite sticks out the window. They all fall into a random garbage truck before they explode, scattering its trash everywhere]''
:'''Sonic''': Thank you very much! Please hold your applause!
:''[Trash falls on the windshield of the truck. The chase continues. The hostage hears a hissing.]''
:'''Hostage''': Hey, ya hear that? There's one bomb left!
:'''Sonic''': Uh-oh.
:''[Sonic zooms toward the truck's small cubby and proceeds to look under]''
:'''Hostage''': Did you check under the seat?
:'''Sonic''': Of course I checked under the seat!
:''[The chase still continues]''
:'''Hostage''': You are terrible at this!
:''[Sonic latches onto the wire on the door separating him and the hostage]''
:'''Sonic''': You know what? Your negative attitude is ''not'' helping anyone!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sonic''': No need to thank me, citizens! All in the work for… Blue Justice!
:'''Hostage''': You're a terrible hero!
:''[Sonic laughs as he zips away]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sonic''': I can take care of myself.
:'''Tom''': Sonic, taking care of yourself is not what being a hero is all about. It's about taking responsibility for other people. And now, whether you wanna hear this or not, you are still just a kid. You got some more growing up to do before you're ready to be a hero. Trust me, there will come a time when your powers will be needed. But you don't choose that moment. That moment chooses you.
:'''Sonic''': Whoa. Look at you. Look, I just got– I just got goosebumps. Wait a second, did you steal that from Oprah?
:'''Tom''': No, sir, it's a Wachowski family special. Came from my dad, in this very boat, in this very lake. He would always try and steer me in the right direction. That's what Maddie and I always try to do with you. So, until your moment arrives, I want you to work on being more responsible. Comprende?
:'''Sonic''': Comprende. High-five on it!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Robotnik uses a taser to cut open the knob of the door then opens it]''
:'''Sonic''': ''[shocked]'' Eggman?
:''[Robotnik blows out the taser like a candle then faces Sonic]''
:'''Robotnik''': Hello, hedgehog! Did you miss me?
:'''Sonic''': I don't know how you got back, but you made a big mistake coming here.
:'''Robotnik''': ''Au contraire, mon frere.'' The mistake was thinking that you've won. But that was just a prelude, an ''hors d'oeuvre'', an aperitif, an Amuse-bouche–
:'''Sonic''': I get it.
:'''Robotnik''': ''[chuckles as he walks forward waving a finger]'' I don't think you do, but you will, and so will that idiot sheriff and his wife.
:''[Sonic makes a fist with blue energy building up]''
:'''Robotnik''': [[The Wizard of Oz (1939 film)|And your little dog, too!]]
:''[Sonic rushes up and time slows as he prepares to punch Robotnik in the face but he backs away to reveal Knuckles leaping right at Sonic. Time goes back to normal as he punches him right through a wall, destroying the TV. Sonic lays on the couch dazed, as he looks through the wall to see Knuckles looking right at him.]''
:'''Knuckles''': Pitiful. ''[walks through the hallways as Sonic gets up]''
:'''Sonic''': Who are you?
:'''Robotnik''': ''[sticks his head through the hole]'' Where are my manners? ''[walks through the hallway and stands right behind Knuckles]'' Sonic... meet Knuckles. My new BFF-A-E. My bestest friend forever and ''ever''.
:'''Sonic''': ''[gets on the floor and gets his bag of Rings as he wears it like a strapped backpack]'' Look, Robotnik, I don't care who you bring to help you. You're never gonna get my power.
:'''Knuckles''': Do I look like I need ''your'' power?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tails''': Wow. OK, let me just say it is an honor to finally meet you, Sonic. Is it OK if I call you Sonic? ''(My name's Miles Prower.)'' Everyone calls me &quot;Tails&quot;. You're probably wondering why.
:'''Sonic''': Let me guess, because of the extra tail?
:'''Tails''': That's right! I should've known you'd get that!
:'''Sonic''': Cool. Also, what is going on?! Robotnik's back, and who is [[Clifford the Big Red Dog (2000 TV series)|Clifford the Big Red Rage Monster]]?
:'''Tails''': Oh, that's Knuckles, the last of the echidnas and the most dangerous warrior in the galaxy. He's obsessed with finding the Master Emerald.
:'''Sonic''': Are you serious, the Master Emerald? That's just a bedtime story!
:'''Tails''': Well, he believes it's real, and he must think you're the key to finding it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tails''': Uh, Sonic? Where are we?
:'''Wade''': Welcome to the Wade Cave, which is something I hope to someday say to a woman. A woman who's not my mom.
:'''Sonic''': Wade, focus. We need to figure out why Knuckles thinks I'm the key to finding the Master Emerald, and why did he mention Longclaw?
:'''Tails''': There must be a connection.
:'''Sonic''': Wait a minute, there is. ''[gets out the safe worlds map and points to the emerald on it]'' There's an emerald on the map Longclaw gave me. I never knew what it meant before.
:''[The map glows as the black outlines turn green and shut the lights off.]''
:'''Tails''': Something's happening.
:''[Sonic lets go of the map and the map falls to the floor as green smoke surrounds the map. Then a hologram of Longclaw emerges from the map as she is spreading her wings.]''
:'''Sonic''': Longclaw?
:'''Longclaw''': Hello, Sonic. If you're watching this, then something has happened to me and I pray that you've made it to Earth unharmed. This world has been chosen for a very important reason. It's the secret location of the Master Emerald. ''[spreads her wings out, revealing an image of the Master Emerald, a green diamond]''
:'''Sonic''': Woah...
:'''Longclaw''': The emerald has the power to turn thoughts into reality.
:'''Wade''': Just like the {{w|Stay Puft Marshmallow Man}} from ''[[Ghostbusters]]''.
:'''Tails''': Shhh.
:'''Longclaw''': In the wrong hands, it can threaten all life in the universe. Protecting the emerald was my sacred duty, and now I must pass that responsibility to you.
:'''Sonic''': This is my moment.
:'''Longclaw''': Follow the map, find the emerald, and keep it safe. Sonic, you have a heart like no other creature I've met. I love you so much. Goodbye.
:''[The hologram ends as Longclaw sinks into the map, fading.]''
:'''Sonic''': No, no, no, wait.
:''[The hologram of Longclaw's feather floats into Sonic's hand, which fades as he closes his hands.]''
:'''Sonic''': I won't let you down, Longclaw.
:''[Tails looks concerned for Sonic.]''
:'''Wade''': So, is he like... your dad?
:'''Tails''': What?
:'''Wade''': No?
:'''Sonic''': ''[walks over to the map and picks it up]'' According to the map, the first clue is in Siberia. It's a compass that'll lead us to the emerald.
:'''Tails''': And with Knuckles already here, it's a race.
:'''Wade''': &quot;Knuckles&quot;… Ya know, I knew a kid in middle school named Knuckles. Could fit his whole fist in his mouth. If this is the same Knuckles, then we're screwed.
:'''Sonic''': This Knuckles, that Knuckles, doesn't matter. We're gonna get there first. ''[throws a Ring and opens a portal that has Siberia on the other side]''
:'''Tails''': Hehehe, ummm. What do you mean &quot;we&quot;?
:'''Sonic''': You're coming with me.
:'''Tails''': Oh, no, no, no, no. I-I just came here to warn you. I'm not a field guy.
:'''Sonic''': Don't worry, I got your back. I'm not gonna let anything happen to you. ''[makes a fist and lifts it to Tails, who walks over to him]'' It's a power bump. On Earth, it means an unbreakable promise.
:'''Tails''': Okay, I'm in! ''[he and Tails power bump]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tails''': Check this out.
:'''Sonic''': Can you translate that?
:'''Tails''': Yeah. Ages ago, a fearsome group of warriors – known as the echidnas – forged the seven Chaos Emeralds into the most unstoppable weapon ever created.
:'''Sonic''': The Master Emerald.
:'''Tails''': With it, a single warrior could defeat entire armies. Believing no one should have such power, an order of heroes recovered the emerald and swore to protect it from evil. Sounds like the owls and echidnas have been fighting each other (over that emerald) for centuries.
:'''Sonic''': Like {{w|Vin Diesel}} and [[Dwayne Johnson|The Rock]].
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sonic''': Has anyone ever told you you've got serious anger issues?
:'''Knuckles''': You mock me with your weak jokes, but you know nothing about me, hedgehog.
:'''Sonic''': Well, I know you echidnas have a habit of showing up uninvited and ruining my life!
:'''Knuckles''': Ruining your life? Another bad joke. ''[becoming more pensive and sad]'' I lost ''everything'' because of you. My tribe was on the verge of its greatest victory. The last of the owl warriors were located; soon, Longclaw's Emerald secrets would be ours. But my father stopped me from joining the fight. He said my moment to honor our tribe would come, but it was not this moment. Those were the last words he spoke to me. I never saw him again.
:'''Sonic''': ''[somberly]'' We both lost everything that day.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Rachel''': Randall, why do all of your friends have weapons?
:'''Walters''': You really should have taken me up on that brunch, Mr. and Mrs. Wachowski.
:'''Tom''': Olive Garden guy?
:'''Walters''': It's okay, everyone. We're federal agents. You, too, agent. Go ahead.
:'''Rachel''': ''[as Randall reveals his badge]'' You mean to tell me that this entire wedding was a setup?!
:'''Randall''': Rachel, wait a minute.
:'''Rachel''': What?
:'''Walters''': That's correct, ma'am. Every single aspect of Operation Catfish was a complete fabrication.
:'''Rachel''': Operation Catfish?! So is everyone here an agent?! ''[to the priest]'' Are you an agent?! ''[the Priest reveals his taser inside his book]'' Son of a… Was the florist an agent?! How about the photographer? The woman who waxed my… at the spa? Is Jojo an agent?
:'''Randall''': Rachel.
:'''Jojo''': What?
:'''Randall''': Rachel, listen to me. (I can explain.)
:'''Rachel''': ''[fueled with rage]'' I'M DONE LISTENING! I AM DONE LISTENING!!
:'''Randall''': I am so sorry. I am so sorry. I really am. I am so sorry.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Walters''': Something bothering you, agent?
:'''Randall''': I just feel a little guilty about what I did to Rachel, sir.
:'''Walters''': Don't worry about it. We'll send her a gift card. Now, I propose a toast. To a perfectly executed operation.
:'''G.U.N. Agent''': Sir, we're under attack.
:'''Rachel''': '''''RANDALL, WIFEY'S HOME!!!'''''
:'''Randall''': Oh, my god. Rachel. What... a... Woman.
:'''Rachel''': You no-good, lowdown, dirty, lying…
:'''Randall''': Rachel, just listen to me.
:'''Rachel''': '''WHAT KIND OF TWISTED SICKO TRICKS SOMEONE INTO A ''FAKE WEDDING?!'''''
:'''Walters''': Party's over, bridezilla. Stop right there.
:'''Rachel''': You son of a…
:'''Walters''': Have it your way.
:'''Randall''': No! No!
:'''Walters''': Very disappointing, Agent Handel. Is that supposed to be a weapon?
:'''Rachel''': I don't know, but we gonna find out!
:'''Walters''': Haven't you caused enough trouble for one day?
:'''Rachel''': I haven't even begun causing trouble! Hell hath no fury like a bride scorned! Looks like it's real, huh? No. Right.
:'''Randall''': Be honest. How bad is it?
:'''Rachel''': Not bad at all. You got tased. You'll be fine.
:'''Randall''': I'm so cold.
:'''Rachel''': You landed on our ice sculpture. Get up. Just… Just tell me the truth, for once. Is there anything about you or about us that was real?
:'''Randall''': Rachel, look at me. Before I met you, I didn't think that I was even capable of real happiness, but that all changed when you walked into my life, and I ended up breaking the first rule of undercover work.
:'''Rachel''': Which is...?
:'''Randall''': Never fall in love.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Sonic crashes through the ceiling of the Master Emerald's chamber, in front of Robotnik and Knuckles, poison darts stuck in his quills]''
:'''Sonic''': ''[coughs]'' Nailed it. ''[A giant mace ball lands right behind him]''
:'''Robotnik''': This guy is always trying to spoil a bad thing!
:'''Sonic''': Oh, you guys are here too? ''[Shakes the darts off his quills]'' Took the long way, huh?
:'''Knuckles''': Is everything a joke to you? Why must you constantly interfere with my destiny?
:'''Sonic''': Because ''my'' destiny is to protect my friends and family!
:'''Robotnik''': I think I just threw up in my mouth.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[As Knuckles goes to crush him with a large rock, Sonic spots Robotnik reaching his hands out to the Emerald]''
:'''Sonic''': Knuckles, stop! Robotnik is stealing the Emerald!
:'''Knuckles''': What kinda fool do you take me for?
:'''Sonic''': Just look!
:''[Following Sonic's attention, Knuckles looks over his shoulder to look at Robotnik]''
:'''Robotnik''': Mine...
:''[As Robotnik goes to grab the Master Emerald, Knuckles shouts as if stopping him]''
:'''Knuckles''': Wait, that wasn't the deal! ''[drops the rock]''
:'''Robotnik''': Oh, you poor naive creature. It's not your fault. A more advanced intellect would've seen this move coming a mile away, or 1.6 kilometers.
:'''Knuckles''': But I trusted you! You were my friend!
:'''Robotnik''': ''[laughing]'' Sorry, that just hit me funny. Let this be my final to you, you dimwitted celestial skintag. Friends are open, honest and vulnerable with each other, which means X square times the hypotenuse of Y square divided by the absolute power of friendship equals, dookie!
:'''Sonic''': Oh, no!
:''[Robotnik grabs hold of the Emerald and a wave of green energy surrounds him. The force knocks Sonic and Knuckles off of their feet]''
:'''Robotnik''': Chaos is power...!
:''[With his jacket turned black and the lenses on his goggles and the trim turned green, Robotnik and the Emerald disappear. The whole temple starts to collapse]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Sonic is washed on the beach, saved by Knuckles]''
:'''Sonic''': You saved me?
:'''Knuckles''': ''[sits and frowns]'' Don't talk to me, I'm not in the mood. ''[gets hit by a sandball from Sonic]'' How dare you attack me in my hour of sorrow?!
:'''Sonic''': ''[throws another sandball at Knuckles]'' Why did you save me?
:'''Knuckles''': ''[throws a large sandball that almost completely buries Sonic]'' Because you saved me first, which clearly gave you a tactical advantage I do not understand.
:'''Sonic''': ''[shakes sand off of himself]'' It wasn't a tactic. I couldn't just let you die.
:'''Knuckles''': But why? I've been trying to destroy you since the moment we met.
:'''Sonic''': Because being a hero isn't about taking care of yourself, it's about taking responsibility for other people.
:'''Knuckles''': Wise words. An ancient Earth proverb?
:'''Sonic''': No, sir, it's a Wachowski family special. I got it from a guy in a rowboat. Someone who means a lot to me.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%/&gt;
:'''Knuckles''': Those were our best attacks, and they did nothing.
:'''Tails''': We can't beat Robotnik as long as he's got that emerald. He's too powerful.
:'''Sonic''': Look, we aren't strong enough to beat Robotnik on our own, but there's three of us. ''[to Knuckles]'' Your strength... ''[to Tails]'' ...Your smarts, and my speed, together. That's how we win.
:'''Knuckles''': So we make our stand here on the field of battle.
:'''Tails''': As a team!
:'''Sonic''': This is it. This is our moment!
:'''Robotnik''': Time to fight.
:'''Sonic''': Bad time to say this, but I don't actually have a plan. Tails, any ideas?
:'''Tails''': We have to find his weak spot.
:'''Knuckles''': I suggest the groin.
:'''Sonic''': What? No, no!
:'''Knuckles''': Traditionally, yes. The groin is the weakest spot.
:'''Sonic''': Stop saying &quot;groin&quot;.
:'''Robotnik''': Hedgehog!
:'''Sonic''': Look out! I know what his weak spot is, it's me! I'm the groin! Think about it! I live rent-free in this dude's head, so if I go out there and rile him up...
:'''Knuckles''': He'll focus on only you, leaving himself open to a flanking maneuver from me and the fox! Hedgehog, you are a brave and noble warrior! Go to your certain death with honor!
:'''Sonic''': We're going to have to work on your pep talks, pal.
:'''Tails''': Yeah.
:'''Sonic''': Let's go.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Sonic''': OK, this is what we're gonna do. Step 1: Light taunting. Step 2: I have no idea.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[After Robotnik has been defeated, Knuckles repairs the Master Emerald and brings it to Sonic and Tails]''
:'''Knuckles''': I've spent my entire life questing for this. Now I have it, now ''we'' have it. What can we do with it? What next?
:'''Tails''': There were once two orders of heroes who protected the galaxy from those who used the Emerald for evil.
:'''Knuckles''': But they've all passed on to the great battlefield in the sky.
:'''Sonic''': So we start a new order. The three of us.
:'''Knuckles''': This is no light task. We must make a vow: to use our powers to keep the universe safe, to watch out for each other; our new tribe.
:'''Tails''': Oh, I know! A power bump! ''[Holds out his fist]''
:'''Sonic''': Good idea! ''[Puts his fist against Tails', Knuckles looks at them confused]''
:'''Tails''': It's an Earth custom. An unbreakable promise.
:'''Knuckles''': Very well. A power bump it is. ''[Puts his fist against Sonic and Tails' fists]''
:'''Sonic''': POWER BUMP!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Tom''': ''[to Sonic before getting ice cream with Tails, Knuckles, Maddie and Ozzy]'' Oh, I'm happy for you, pal. You got your wingmen. Perfect friends they never grow up with.
:'''Tails''': Come on, Knuckles.
:'''Knuckles''': Ah, my victory chariot! ''[jumps into the back of the truck]''
:'''Sonic''': I got a lot more than that… Dad.
:''[Tom smiles at him]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Mid-credits scene]''
:'''Walters''': Agent, I want an update.
:'''Agent Faucet''': Still searching, sir. We haven't found any sign of Robotnik.
:'''Walters''': No one could've survived that crash. He's toast. Good riddance. What a mess that lunatic made.
:''[A masked G.U.N. solider walks behind the pair, pulling his mask down to reveal himself to be Stone with a scar on his face.]''
:'''Faucet''': Sir, there’s something else. When we were wiping Robotnik off our database, we found something — a file buried deep in our system and dating back [[Sonic Adventure 2|over 50 years]].
:'''Walters''': What was it?
:'''Faucet''': Coordinates, sir.
:'''Walters''': Coordinates... to what?
:''[Scene cuts to a laboratory, where a containment capsule is opening, revealing a dormant black and red hedgehog, resembling Sonic, inside it]''
:'''Faucet''': ''[voice over]'' A secret research facility. It was a black site, sir. Someone worked very hard to keep this hidden.
:'''Walters''': ''[voice over; realizes]'' My god... [[w:Shadow the Hedgehog|Project Shadow]].
: ''[Shadow opens his eyes which ignite with energy]''

== Cast ==
* '''{{w|James Marsden}} – Tom Wachowski'''
* '''[[Jim Carrey]] – [[w:Doctor Eggman|Robotnik]]'''
* '''''{{w|Tika Sumpter}} – Maddie Wachowski'''''
* ''{{w|Natasha Rothwell}} – Rachel''
* '''''{{w|Adam Pally}} – Wade'''''
* {{w|Shemar Moore}} – Randall
* '''''{{w|Lee Majdoub}} – Stone'''''
* ''[[w:Tom Butler (actor)|Tom Butler]] – Walters''
* Melody Niemann – Jojo
* Sarah Surh – Agent Faucet

===Voices===
* '''{{w|Ben Schwartz}} – [[w:Sonic the Hedgehog (character)|Sonic]]'''
* '''''{{w|Colleen O'Shaughnessey}} – [[w:Tails (Sonic the Hedgehog)|Tails]]'''''
* '''''[[Idris Elba]] – {{w|Knuckles the Echidna}}'''''
* {{w|Donna Jay Fulks}} – Longclaw

== External Links ==
{{wikipedia|Sonic the Hedgehog 2 (film)}}

[[Category:2022 films]]
[[Category:2020s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:Japanese films]]
[[Category:American children's animated action films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American children's animated comic science fiction films]]
[[Category:American children's animated science fantasy films]]
[[Category:American children's animated superhero films]]
[[Category:Theatrically released animated superhero films]]
[[Category:Sonic the Hedgehog]]
[[Category:American films with live action and animation]]
[[Category:Films based on video games]]
[[Category:Animated films about revenge]]
[[Category:Animated films based on video games]]
[[Category:Animated films about robots]]
[[Category:Animated films about friendship]]
[[Category:Films about vacationing]]
[[Category:Films about revenge]]
[[Category:Films about terrorism]]
[[Category:Films set in Hawaii]]
[[Category:Films set in Montana]]
[[Category:Films set in Russia]]
[[Category:Films set in Seattle]]
[[Category:Films based on Sonic the Hedgehog]]
[[Category:Sequel films]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Charlatan</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
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    <revision>
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        <username>Thmazing</username>
        <id>319470</id>
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      <comment>/* Quotes */ shelley</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
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      <text bytes="1216" xml:space="preserve">A [[w:charlatan]] (also called a [[w:swindler]] or [[w:mountebank]]) is a person practicing quackery or a similar confidence trick in order to obtain money, fame, or other advantages through pretense or deception. Synonyms for charlatan include shyster, quack, or faker. Quack is a reference to quackery or the practice of dubious medicine, including the sale of snake oil, or a person who does not have medical training who purports to provide medical services.

{{stub}}
== See also ==
* [[Fraud]]

== Quotes ==
* It is a strange fact, but incontestible, that the philanthropist, who ardent in his desire to do good, who patient, reasonable and gentle, yet disdains to use other argument than truth, has less influence over men’s minds, than he who, grasping and selfish, refuses not to adopt any means, nor awaken any passion, nor diffuse any falsehood, for the advancement of his cause.
** [[Mary Shelley]], ''The Last Man'' (1826)

* Scharlatanen, die Dummköpfen ihre Drogen teuer verkaufen, glaube ich nichts.&quot; - Voltaire, Geschichte von Jenni
** I don't believe in charlatans who sell fools their drugs at high prices.&quot; 
*** [[Voltaire]], The History of Jenni (1774)

== External links ==
{{similar links}}</text>
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  <page>
    <title>White (color)</title>
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        <ip>110.23.56.13</ip>
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'''White''' is the [[w:lightness|lightest]] [[w:color|color]] and is achromatic (having no [[w:hue|hue]]). It is the result of lots of [[w:lightness|light]].

== Quotes ==

* White is not a mere absence of color; it is a shining and affirmative thing, as fierce as red, as definite as black. God paints in many colors; but He never paints so gorgeously, I had almost said so gaudily, as when He paints in white.
** G.K, Chesterton, [https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/245645-white-is-not-a-mere-absence-of-color-it-queue Orthodoxy]</text>
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'''White''' is the [[w:lightness|lightest]] [[w:color|color]] and is achromatic (having no [[w:hue|hue]]). It is the result of lots of [[w:lightness|light]]. In many [[w:western cultures|western cultures]] it often means [[w:cleanliness|cleanliness]]

== Quotes ==

* White is not a mere absence of color; it is a shining and affirmative thing, as fierce as red, as definite as black. God paints in many colors; but He never paints so gorgeously, I had almost said so gaudily, as when He paints in white.
** G.K, Chesterton, [https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/245645-white-is-not-a-mere-absence-of-color-it-queue Orthodoxy]</text>
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'''White''' is the [[w:lightness|lightest]] [[w:color|color]] and is achromatic (having no [[w:hue|hue]]). It is the result of lots of [[w:lightness|light]]. In many [[w:western cultures|western cultures]] it often means [[w:cleanliness|cleanliness]], [[w:purity|purity]] and [[w:virginity|virginity]]. This is why wedding dresses are white.

== Quotes ==

* White is not a mere absence of color; it is a shining and affirmative thing, as fierce as red, as definite as black. God paints in many colors; but He never paints so gorgeously, I had almost said so gaudily, as when He paints in white.
** G.K, Chesterton, [https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/245645-white-is-not-a-mere-absence-of-color-it-queue Orthodoxy]</text>
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      <id>3153735</id>
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'''White''' is the [[w:lightness|lightest]] [[w:color|color]] and is [[w:achromatic|achromatic]] (having no [[w:hue|hue]]). It is the result of lots of [[w:lightness|light]]. In many [[w:western cultures|western cultures]] it often means [[w:cleanliness|cleanliness]], [[w:purity|purity]] and [[w:virginity|virginity]]. This is why wedding dresses are white.

== Quotes ==

* White is not a mere absence of color; it is a shining and affirmative thing, as fierce as red, as definite as black. God paints in many colors; but He never paints so gorgeously, I had almost said so gaudily, as when He paints in white.
** G.K, Chesterton, [https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/245645-white-is-not-a-mere-absence-of-color-it-queue Orthodoxy]</text>
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      <id>3153756</id>
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      <text bytes="812" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:White (color)|White]]''' is the [[w:lightness|lightest]] [[w:color|color]] and is achromatic (having no [[w:hue|hue]]). It is the color of objects such as [[snow]], [[w:chalk|chalk]], and [[milk]], and is the opposite of [[black]]. White objects fully [[w:diffuse reflection|reflect]] and [[w:scattering|scatter]] all the [[w:visible spectrum|visible wavelengths]] of [[light]].

{{theme-stub}}
== Quotes ==

* White is not a mere absence of color; it is a shining and affirmative thing, as fierce as red, as definite as black. God paints in many colors; but He never paints so gorgeously, I had almost said so gaudily, as when He paints in white.
** [[G.K. Chesterton]], [https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/245645-white-is-not-a-mere-absence-of-color-it-queue Orthodoxy]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}</text>
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      <id>3153757</id>
      <parentid>3153756</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-12T00:06:29Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
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      <comment>added [[Category:Colours]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]]</comment>
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      <text bytes="834" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:White (color)|White]]''' is the [[w:lightness|lightest]] [[w:color|color]] and is achromatic (having no [[w:hue|hue]]). It is the color of objects such as [[snow]], [[w:chalk|chalk]], and [[milk]], and is the opposite of [[black]]. White objects fully [[w:diffuse reflection|reflect]] and [[w:scattering|scatter]] all the [[w:visible spectrum|visible wavelengths]] of [[light]].

{{theme-stub}}
== Quotes ==

* White is not a mere absence of color; it is a shining and affirmative thing, as fierce as red, as definite as black. God paints in many colors; but He never paints so gorgeously, I had almost said so gaudily, as when He paints in white.
** [[G.K. Chesterton]], [https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/245645-white-is-not-a-mere-absence-of-color-it-queue Orthodoxy]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

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    <title>Chip 'n Dale Rescue Rangers (film)</title>
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'''''[[w:Chip 'n Dale: Rescue Rangers (film)|Chip 'n Dale Rescue Rangers]]''''' is a 2022 American live-action/animated action-adventure comedy film based on the characters [[w:Chip 'n' Dale|Chip and Dale]] and the subsequent animated [[Chip 'n Dale Rescue Rangers|TV series of the same name]]. The movie stars [[John Mulaney]] as Chip, [[Andy Samberg]] as Dale, [[Will Arnett]], Eric Bana, Keegan-Michael Key, Seth Rogen, J.K. Simmons, and KiKi Layne.

: ''Directed by [[w:Akiva Schaffer|Akiva Schaffer]]. Written by Dan Gregor and Doug Mand.''

{{center|'''It's not a reboot. It's a comeback.''' {{small|([[#Taglines|taglines]])}}}}

{{film-stub}}

== Chip ==
* To many more seasons of the ''Rescue Rangers''.
* Life is the worst. Which is why you need good insurance.
* A message on my landline. I don't like that.
* You look different.
* Remember that animation style where everything looked real but nothing looked right?

== Dale ==
* ''[narrating]'' Okay, what's the first thing that pops into your head when I say Chip n' Dale? I'm willing to bet it's [[w:Thomas Chippendale|Thomas Chippendale]], the London-based cabinet maker from the 1700s. Sick cabinet, Thomas! But I bet the second thing that pops into your head are these guys. ''[image of chip and dale dancers are shown]'' But certainly, third would be those rascally cartoon chipmunks, Chip 'n Dale, or should I say Chip and me? And it all started the day we met, when I had to join a new school in the middle of third grade.
* I haven't thought about it in a while. I should give him a call. See how life's treating him.
* Looks like I just took us from outside the club to the V.I.P. room.
* So you're saying the Rescue Rangers are back!

== Monterey &quot;Monty&quot; Jack ==
* ''[being bootlegged with Dumbo ears]'' Mates!
* Oh, Chipper, they [[Dumbo]]'d me.

== Gadget ==
* Honey, someone's doing a cool pose in the driveway.

== Zipper ==
* Dale, old chum. The sight of you lights my heart aglow.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Chip''': And so, I just wanna thank all of you for the greatest 3 years of my life. When I think back to where this all started, me finding Dale sitting all alone in the cafeteria, so sad.
:'''Dale''': Well, I wasn't ''that'' sad.
:''[the cast and the crew members laugh]''
:'''Monterey &quot;Monty&quot; Jack''': That's funny.
:'''Chip''': But never in my wildest dreams did I think we'd be here now. So, to you, Dale, my best friend, and to all of you.
:'''Gadget''': And to everyone who loves a short toast.
:'''Chip''': ''[chuckles]'' Okay, okay. To many more seasons of the ''Rescue Rangers''. Cheers!
:'''Cast and Crew''': Cheers!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Chip goes into the Rescue Rangers' trailer where he sees Dale]''
:'''Chip''': Hey, where'd you run off to, buddy? I saved you a piece of cake. What's that?
:'''Dale''': Okay, I wasn't gonna show you this right now, but it just got delivered. So... Ta-da!
:''[Dale shows a poster depicting him as a James Bond-style spy titled Double-0 Dale]''
:'''Chip''': ''[chuckles]'' &quot;Double-0 Dale?&quot; That's hilarious. What is that?
:'''Dale''': It's wild, right? It's my new show. I'm gonna be a super spy.
:'''Chip''': ''[confused]'' Wh...what are you talking about?
:'''Dale''': Yeah, I'm really going for it! And just like you always say: ''[imitates Chip]'' &quot;The biggest risk is not taking any risk at all.&quot; ''[chuckles]''
:'''Chip''': ''[stunned]'' Wait, you really have a new show?
:'''Dale''': Yep! ''[goes into a dressing room]''
:'''Chip''': Wait, why didn't you talk to me about it first? We tell each other everything. You've told me what you had for lunch the last 42 days.
:'''Dale''': Pineapple pizza and a diet Slice.
:'''Chip''': Exactly!
:'''Dale''': I don't know. I just wanted to make sure the show was gonna happen first before I got your hopes up. ''[comes out wearing a glitter tuxedo]''
:'''Chip''': My hopes up? What?
:'''Dale''': Yeah! It's good news for everyone. Check this out. ''[starts dancing]''
:'''Chip''': ''[angrily]'' I just... If you do this, they might cancel the show.
:'''Dale''': No, they won't do that. I mean, everyone knows you're the favorite. And I'm just the guy who gets hit in the head with a pipe each week. It's fine.
:'''Chip''': Okay, so you're gonna risk all of ''Rescue Rangers'' because I'm a little more popular than you? Do you know how dumb that is?
:'''Dale''': Well, I ''am'' the dumb one.
:'''Chip''': ''[calms down]'' I didn't mean it like that.
:'''Dale''': I know. You never mean it. Look, you're always acting like you saved me or something. But when we were kids, we were in it together.
:'''Chip''': What are you talking about? We're still in this together.
:'''Dale''': I'm sorry, Chip. I'm just done being second banana.
:'''Chip''': But you're not second banana. I'm a banana and you're just another banana. Two bananas! ''[Dale's phone rings]'' Please, don't get that.
:'''Dale''': But it could be my agent, Dave Bolinari.
:'''Chip''': After everything I've done for you, do not pick up that phone.
:'''Dale''': I'm sorry.
:'''Chip''': Dale, stop. We're not done talking.
:'''Dale''': I have to. ''[picks up the phone]''
:'''Chip''': ''[sternly]'' Do not. Do not do it.
:'''Dale''': I'm so sorry. ''[takes the call]'' Go for Dale.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Dale, now in CGI animation, is running his stand at Fan Con]''
:'''Lumiere''': Pardon moi, Dale, but your followers, they believe the crowd is for you?
:'''Dale''': Of course they do, Lumiere. And pretty soon, that crowd ''is'' gonna be for me.
:'''[[Sonic the Hedgehog (film)|Ugly Sonic]]''': ''[coughs]'' Yeah, Dale! I'm going to be up on that stage too, right beside you!
:'''Dale''': Yes, Ugly Sonic! That's the spirit.
:'''[[w:Sonic the Hedgehog (character)|Ugly Sonic]]''': And they'll like me for who I am, not like last time when the internet got one look at my human teeth, and burned the place down. ''[signs his autograph for a fan]'' Okay, let's see here. &quot;Best wishes, Ugly Sonic.&quot; There you go, kid. ''[the fan chuckles with his friend]'' Oh, they're laughing at me. I know that. You can't hurt my feelings if I'm in on the joke.
:'''[[w:Tigra|Tigra]]''': Are you though?
:'''Ugly Sonic''': Yes!  Anyway, now my luck has shifted. I've been offered a new reality show where I do ride-alongs with the FBI. It's called ''Ugly Sonic, Uglier Crimes''.
:'''Dale''': Really? A TV show? You?
:'''Ugly Sonic''': Yeah, is that so difficult to believe?
:'''Dale''': Oh, uh... ''[stares at Ugly Sonic's teeth]'' I guess... not. Yeah, you know what? That's great. When one of us succeeds, we all succeed. Baloo was part of the ''Disney Afternoon'' just like me. Then he got ''The Jungle Book'' reboot and boom, he's back on top. It happens that fast.
:'''Lumiere''': Bravo, Dale! Your positivity is infectious. ''[a fan hands him five dollars]'' Ah, merci. ''[bows his head, accidentally burning the money with his flame]'' Oh, I really needed that cash. 
:'''Dale''': You just gotta stay prepared. I'm keeping myself fit and you know,  my updated modern look.
:'''Tigra''': Yes, Dale, your CG surgery was done very tastefully. You look amazing!
:'''Dale''': Well, thank you, Tigra. We should hang out sometime.
:'''Tigra''': Nah.
:'''Dale''': Meanly fast.
:'''Tigra''': No offense, but don't you think you'd have more fans here if Chip did these events with you?
:'''Dale''': Oh, Chip? Oh, that's interesting. I hadn't thought about him in a while. I should give him a call. See how life's treating him.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Chip goes to see his old friend Monterey Jack. Then suddenly Monty grabs Chip]''
:'''Monty''': Quick! Get in while the coast is clear.
:'''Chip''': Oh, Monty. It's you. 
:'''Monty''': I'm sorry about that, mate, but they're watching. They're always watching. 
:'''Chip''': Who are? 
:'''Monty''': Oh, it's been too long, Chip. 
:'''Chip''': It really has, old buddy. ''[they hug]''
:''[Chip then smells a horrible smell]''
:'''Chip''': I... I'm sorry, Monty, but what is that God-awful smell? 
:'''Monty''': What? You don't remember? Rescue Ranger's cologne. ''[shows a bottle of his cologne]'' I wear it every day. 
:'''Chip''': Oh, no. I remember. It smells like almond butter and gasoline. 
:'''Monty''': And it's very difficult to wash out.  
:'''Chip''': Right. So, Monty, what's going on? I got your voicemail. You said you were in trouble?
:'''Monty''': I screwed up, Chip. My love of cheese got the best of me. And I bought more than I could pay for. 
:'''Chip''': Oh, no. Cheese? Monty. 
:'''Monty''': I know, I know. But I haven't had so much as a whiff in weeks. I'm dairy-free.
:''[Another horrible smell comes into Chip's nose]'' 
:'''Chip''': Really, then what's that? 
:'''Monty''': Oh, crud. It's a really stinky Gorgonzola. You weren't supposed to see that.
:''[The smell of the Gorgonzola punches Monty and hypnotizes him]'' 
:'''Monty''': ''[now under the control of the smell of the stinky cheese]'' Ch... ch... ch... ch... ch... ch... cheese! 
:'''Chip''': Hang on, Monty. 
:''[Chip open's Monty's fridge and throws away the cheese and closes the window]'' 
:'''Monty''': ''[now with regained his control]'' I'm sorry, Chipper. I just love it so much. 
:'''Chip''': It's okay, Monty. We'll get you some help. 
:'''Monty''': It's not just that, Chip. Now, I owe a ton of money to the Valley Gang. 
:'''Chip''': The Valley Gang? Monty, those guys are bad news. 
:'''Monty''': I know, and if I can't pay up, they're gonna bootleg me. 
:'''Chip''': Bootleg you? What does that mean? 
:'''Monty''': Oh, Chip. It's gotten rough out there for us old-timers. Did you hear what happened to that little guy Flounder when he fell behind on krill payments? 
:''[Cut flashback. Flounder is reading a book, then suddenly a polar bear and a viking break to his house]''
:'''Flounder''': Oh, no! 
:'''Polar bear''': Time to pay up, fish. 
:'''Flounder''': Um. How about this? Isn't it neat? Come on, fellas. This is a genuine Dinglehopper. It's worth a lot.
:''[The polar bear grabs Flounder]''
:'''Flounder''': Oh!
:'''Monty''': ''[narrating]'' So, they kidnap the bloke, erase his mouth so he can't scream, then change him around to try to sneak by the copyright laws, and then smuggle him overseas to a black-market studio, where he'll spend the rest of his life being forced to make terrible bootleg movies.
:''[Cut back to present]''
:'''Chip''': Oh, no, that's awful. We can't let that happen to you.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Dale''': So, what's been up with you?
:'''Chip''': Oh, you know, this, that, other vague things to fill the space of this conversation.
:'''Dale''': Okay, well, you look the same.
:'''Chip''': Yeah. Thanks. And you look... different. 
:'''Dale''': Hey, it's no secret I had the CGI surgery done and it's done wonders rejuvenating my career. I'm actually starring in a play tonight. ''[pause for a few seconds]'' But, man, I tell you the real hot ticket is ''Rescue Rangers''. There's even some buzz about a reboot. Someone started a Facebook fan page for it and everything.
:'''Monty''': Crikey! A Facebook fan page?! They don't just give those away.
:'''Chip''': Oh, he's full of it, Monty. No one's talking about a ''Rescue Rangers'' reboot except for him.
:'''Dale''': What? The fans are hungry for it.
:'''Chip''': Look, I came here to help Monty, not get caught up in some Hollywood nonsense. So, great to take this skip down memory lane, but I've gotta go. Monty, if you're really in trouble, you know how to find me. And Dale... you were also here.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Chip and Dale find out from the police that Monty has been kidnapped by the Valley Gang]''
:'''Captain Putty''': Well, it eats me up inside to have to tell you this, but if he's been taken by the Valley Gang, I doubt we can help you. We've been trying for years to track those sleaze bags. A fella named Sweet Pete runs the whole operation, and he's always once step ahead of us.
:'''Chip''': What, so that's it? I-I thought that cops were supposed to serve and protect, not give up and move on.
:'''Putty''': Hey, I'd give anything to make a case against those scum. Sweet Pete's got his fingers in every illegal business from bootlegging to stinky cheese, getting rich while we look like we just fell off the turnip truck.
:'''Ellie''': ''[pops up from out the window, scaring Putty]'' All done, sir.
:'''Putty''': Oh, you scared the beans out of me, Steckler!
:'''Ellie''': Sorry, sir. I searched the perimeter. No clues.
:'''Putty''': Yeah, of course not. Why would there be? 6 missing toons in a month and not one clue.
:'''Ellie''': Well, maybe we should chick in with the neighbors? See if anyone saw anything?
:'''Putty''': Oh, yeah. You think? Why don't you just leave the real detective work to me, okay? ''[laughs]''
:'''Ellie''': Right, sorry, sir.
:'''Putty''': Sheesh!
:'''Sock Puppet Cop''': Chief, the press are outside waiting for a statement.
:'''Putty''': ''[groans]'' Do I have anything on my back? ''[shows Ellie his back, which has a Monopoly iron and a bird officer stuck to it]''
:'''Ellie''': Yes, sir. It looks like a Monopoly game piece and Officer O'Hara.
:'''Putty''': Officer...? What the...? ''[pulls O'Hara off his pack]'' Ugh, just want one day where my shirt stays clean. Okay, pack it up, boys. Let's go.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Bjornson''': So, you want stinky cheese? I got smell lines that'll take you through the ceiling.
:'''Chip''': &quot;Through the ceiling,&quot; huh? Seems like you a quality product. But hey, before we get into all that, do me a favor. Take a look at this photo. ''[shows a photo of Monterey]'' It's a friend of mine named Monterey Jack.
:'''Bjornson''': Which is also the name of a cheese. ''[pause for a few seconds]'' Continue.
:'''Chip''': Right. So, we think he's being held in a warehouse somewhere. If you know anything, I'm sure we could make it worth your while. Like, what would you say to some complementary RV or boat insurance?
:'''Bjornson''': Nah, I don't know nothin'. Now, either buy some cheese or get out.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Bjornson''': Huh. Interesting. My boss, Sweet Pete, he loves actors. 
:'''Dale''': Ah, yeah. Who doesn't? 
:'''Bjornson''': You know, I think you should meet him. 
:'''Dale''': Really? Meeting Sweet Pete, huh? Looks like I just took us from outside the club to the VIP room. 
:''[Cut Chip and Dale are zip tied in Bjornson's truck. Chip is mad at Dale]''
:'''Chip''': ''[talking ironically]'' Wow! This VIP room is incredible! I'm freaking out, dude. ''[gasps]'' Is that Jessica Rabbit over there? I'm only asking because...  ''[angrilly]''  I'm zip tied - in the back of a truck!  
:'''Dale''': Whoa! What's with the attitude? We were about to get kicked out with your plan, and now, thanks to my sweet improv, we're going to see Sweet Pete. 
:'''Chip''': Oh, you're insane.  
:'''Dale''': Am I?  
:'''Chip''': Of course. 
:'''Dale''': So, you'd rather just give up?  
:'''Chip''': No! 
:'''Dale''': You wanna just wait around... 
:'''Chip''': You should've just let me take the lead! 
:''[both of them start quarreling in high-pitched voices]'' 
:'''Dale''': ''[normal voice]'' Hey! Hold on a second! How adorable are we? Chemistry like this doesn't just happen. This has got reboot written all over it. 
:'''Chip''': Ugh. Are you serious? I should be home right now. Millie is probably worried sick and peeing all over the place. 
:'''Dale''': Oh, are you seeing someone? She sounds... nice. 
:'''Chip''': She's a dog. Millie is a dog. 
:'''Dale''': Ah, I'm sure she's not that bad. 
:'''Chip''': What? No, she's... 
:''[Bjornson's truck stops outside the Valley Gang's headquarters. Bjornson opens the doors of his truck to pick out Chip and Dale to his boss]''
:'''Bjornson''': We're here.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Chip and Dale make it to Sweet Pete's workshop where they encounter Bob the motion capture Viking dwarf]''
:'''Bob''': Who are you?
:'''Dale''': ''[whispering to Chip]'' Is he talking to us?
:'''Chip''': I can't tell. He's got those [[The Polar Express|Polar Express]] eyes.
:'''Dale''': ''[to Bob]'' Uh. Are you talking to us?
:'''Bob''': Obviously. I said, &quot;Who are you?&quot;
:'''Chip''': Well, right. But in fairness, it looks like you're talking to that window.
:'''Bob''': No, it actually looks like I'm looking right at you.
:'''Dale''': Okay.
:'''Bob''': Look at my eyes, looking right at your eyes.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Bob takes Chip and Dale through Sweet Pete's factory]''
:'''Chip''': I wonder if they're keeping Monty in here.
:'''Dale''': There's only one way to find out. ''[to Bob]'' So, is this your secret bootlegging facility or what?
:'''Chip''': Come on!
:'''Bob''': What? No! What are you talking about? This is Sweet Pete's ''legit'' business. It's for old merchandise that never got sold.
:'''Chip''': Old merchandise?
:'''Bob''': Yeah, like for example, you remember ''[[Shrek]]'' body wash?
:'''Chip''': Uh...
:'''Bob''': Exactly! No one does! It didn't sell. That's why Sweet Pete bought all the inventory and melts it down for its useful parts. The guy has a real eye for business. I wish I could see what he sees.
:'''Dale''': I'm sure there's corrective lenses or something you could get. ''[Chip elbows him]'' Ow! What? ''[they both see that the melted plastic from the bottles are used to make portable toilets]'' So, he turns the toys into toy-lets. ''[chuckles]''
:'''Bob''': Wow! That's been staring at me for years and I never pieced it together! ''[laughs]''
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Chip and Dale meet Sweet Pete, who is a middle-aged and overweight Peter Pan]''
:'''Sweet Pete''': Hello!
:'''Dale''': ''[surprised]'' Peter Pan?
:'''Sweet Pete''': Yep. Star of stage and screen, but you can call me &quot;Sweet Pete&quot;.
:'''Dale''': Oh, you look...
:'''Sweet Pete''': Old, bald, sad like a zoo gorilla?
:'''Dale''': What? No, not like a zoo gorilla!
:'''Sweet Pete''': ''[chuckles]'' Don't worry, you can't say nothing to me I haven't heard already. Jimmy, please, untie our guests! ''[Jimmy does so. Pete pats his belly as he's still attiring his old childhood costume.]'' Not fitting into the old costume like I used to. ''[points to his fitness watch]'' Gotta get my steps in.
:'''Dale''': Hey, I got one of those! We should link accounts and help motivate each other.
:'''Sweet Pete''': ''[awkwardly]'' Right. So, I'm guessing you two are here to talk about Monterey Jack.
:'''Chip''': Oh. Yeah, actually, we are.
:'''Sweet Pete''': You know, I always liked Monty. It's a shame what happened. Too much cheese, not enough bread.
:'''Chip''': Listen, Mr. Sweet Pete… Mr. Pete, we'd be willing to pay whatever Monty owes you if you could give him a break, just this once?
:'''Sweet Pete''': Hmm. Give him a break… You know, I got my big break when I was just a kid. I got cast in the biggest movie in the world as the boy who wouldn't grow up - Peter Pan. [[w:Bobby Driscoll|I'd never been so happy in my entire life, then I got older and they threw me away like I was nothing.]]
:'''Chip''': This business can be so tough.
:'''Sweet Pete''': Huh, you said it. I was scared, desperate, and all alone. So I decided to take the power back and make my own bootleg (remake of my old) movie! I called it ''[[Peter Pan (1953 film)|Flying Bedroom Boy]]'', and guess what - it worked! I made lot of money, so I &quot;recruited&quot; other toons to star in more movies, and bang-a-rang! Now I run my own bootleg movie studio, where I get to decide who's a star and who gets thrown in the trash! And now, you two come poking around where you don't belong, asking questions about your missing friend. And I can't have that, so how's this for a break? I'm thinking it's time for ''Chip 'n Dale'' reboot.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Dale takes Chip and Ellie to his garage that's filled with Chip 'n Dale merchandise]''
:'''Chip''': I'm honestly surprised you kept all this stuff. I didn't think you cared about the show back then.
:'''Dale''': What? Of course I did.
:'''Chip''': No. Yeah. Of course. What's this huge map with the pins in it?
:'''Dale''': Oh, that? It's actually very cool.
:'''Chip''': Oh, no. Is this where all the victims are buried?
:'''Dale''': ''[chuckles]'' You're messing with me again! It actually shows ''Rescue Rangers'' ratings in every US market in 1991 which, as you may recall, was our most successful year.
:'''Chip''': Hey, Ellie, didn't you say you were from Albany?
:'''Ellie''': Born and raised. ''(Why?)''
:'''Chip''': Well, according to this map, ''Rescue Rangers'' never aired in Albany.
:'''Ellie''': Yeah! My grandma, she used to tape all the episodes and send them to me.
:'''Chip''': Hmm...
:'''Dale''': Grandmas rule! ''[chuckles]'' Oh, come on, Chip! Look at all this cool stuff! Like this is limited edition Rescue Rangers pog set! You know, this turned into a real collectible, because someone noticed that one of the clouds behind Monterey Jack looked exactly like... Oprah.
:'''Chip''': Wow. So cool.
:'''Dale''': I know, right? Unfortunately, I only have 11 of the 12. I'm missing the main one of all of us together.
:'''Chip''': Ah, it's just old junk.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Chip''': Okay, what?! How did you know what I was gonna say?
:'''Dale''': How did you know what ''I'' was gonna say?! It was like... 
:'''Chip and Dale''': Professional! ''[both gasp]'' Same time! Jinx! You owe me a non-brand specific cola! What?! That was crazy! ''[both gasp again]'' Somebody call Guinness book! This is...
:'''Dale''': ...Blowing my mind! Oh, we lost it.
:'''Chip''': ...Incredible!
:'''Dale''': Oh, we lost it.
:'''DJ Herzogenaurach''': Boom, boom! It's DJ Herzogenaurach with the ''Disney Afternoon'' remix!
:'''Chip''': Hey, this was really fun, but we actually got to get going!
:'''Herzongenaurach''': Ooh, they were very bad at rapping.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[after Chip and Dale find out that Monty has been bootlegged]''
:'''Chip''': I know we missed something, Dale. I can feel it.
:'''Dale''': ''[recording himself on his phone]'' Hey, just wanna remind you guys, I'll be at Fan Con this afternoon, signing autographs. So, get those nuts ready! ''[chuckles uneasily]'' Yeah...
:'''Chip''': What is wrong with you?
:'''Dale''': What? It's my job.
:'''Chip''': It's a choice. ''[scoff]'' I'm getting some coffee.
:'''Dale''': Come on! I have to stay connected to the fans!
:'''Chip''': There are no fans! It's for you! It's always for you, to feed your selfish ego. I thought you had changed, but you haven't changed since ''Double-0 Dale''!
:'''Dale''': Wait, so you ''are'' still made about ''Double-0 Dale''? I thought everything was artichokie.
:'''Chip''': You left, Dale. You left me high and dry. After everything we'd been through, everything I did for you!
:'''Dale''': So, we're not artichokie?
:'''Chip''': No artichokie! Nothing's every been artichokie. Okay? I'm alone. I sell insurance. My only friend is a dog!
:'''Dale''': Okay, but then why did you say it was artichokie? I mean, when someone tells me something's artichokie, I believe it's artichokie.
:'''Chip''': Ugh! Stop saying artichokie! What is it man?!
:'''Newt Officer''': Oh, uh, if you could just scooch a bit, from the coffee?
:'''Chip''': Yes, yes, of course. Sorry. Ugh. See? This is why I didn't want to see you anymore. Sure, my life is lonely, but at least I didn't feel like this!
:'''Dale''': Oh, yeah? Well, you're the same too! Chip's always in charge! Chip's always right! It's Chip's way or the highway!
:'''Chip''': You know what? Here. ''[hands Dale the missing pog]'' I've been holding on to this for some stupid reason. Now, your collection is complete.
:'''Dale''': ''[sighs]'' What, you kept this? You know the crazy thing is, way back then... I didn't even wanna do ''Double-0 Dale''.
:'''Chip''': What?
:'''Dale''': It's gonna sound stupid, but... I think I just wanted you to tell me you needed me. That I wasn't just some pathetic chipmunk you found eating alone at school. You know, I wanted this pog for some silly reason, but now I don't. ''[tries to hand the pog to Chip]'' Here, now your collection's complete.
:'''Chip''': What?! Don't give me that! That's the exact same thing I said to you!
:'''Dale''': What?! No, it's not. I said, &quot;silly reason&quot;. You said, &quot;stupid reason&quot;.
:'''Chip''': Well, I don't want it.
:'''Dale''': Neither do I!
:'''Chip''': Good!
:'''Dale''': I'm putting on the ground.
:'''Chip''': Great!
:'''Dale''': Yeah.
:'''Chip''': Cool.
:'''Dale''': I know.
:'''Chip''': Neat!
:'''Dale''': It is neat. Thanks.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Ponies, including the Mane 6, gallop]''
:'''Chip''': Whoa!
:'''Dale''': Watch out!
:''[Chip rides on Fluttershy. Dale lays on his back as he rides on Applejack by her hat]''
:'''Chip''': OK. Nice horsey, nice horsey.
:'''Dale''': ''[laughing]'' Whoa!
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Sweet Pete and Jimmy catch what they thought was Chip and Dale, but was actually Cubby]''
:'''Jimmy''': Gotcha! ''(Huh?)''
:'''Sweet Pete''': Oh, what?! ''(You got Cubby!)''
:'''Cubby''': Peter, is that really you? ''[disgusted]'' You got old.
:'''Sweet Pete''': Yeah, death is coming for us all, kid.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''He-Man''': Hey, there's something down there.
:'''Skeletor''': There's nothing down there, ya boob! You walk around with no pants long enough, and you start to notice every breeze.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Chip and Dale make Bob fall down from the scaffolding. Pumbaa walks up to him]''
:'''Bob''': What are you lookin' at?
:'''Pumbaa''': Honestly, your weird dead eyes. ''[laughs]''
:'''Mantis''': They are weird. ''[laughs]''
:'''B.O.B.''': Super weird. ''[laughs]''
:'''Pumbaa''': ''[laughing]'' So funny.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Baloo''': Well, I'll be. Chip and Dale together again. I never thought I'd see the day.
:''[Jimmy runs past Baloo]''
:'''Jimmy''': Get back here! ''(Huh?)''
:''[He stops offscreen and returns to come face-to-face with him]''
:'''Jimmy''': Wow! Yo, man, it's you!
:'''Baloo''': The name's Baloo. It's nice to meet you.
:'''Jimmy''': Aaah! No way! Can I touch your face? I mean, what's going on?
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[In a garage, a figure works on a car. The figure lifts its torch shielding mask. Gadget, wearing a black tanktop, blue jeans and brown gloves, wipes sweat off and notices Dale]''
:'''Gadget''': Honey, someone's doing a cool pose in the driveway.
:''[Zipper arrives with the mutant mouse-fly children]''
:'''Zipper''': Excuse me. Dale, old chum. The sight of you lights my heart aglow.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Chip has been captured and is about to be bootlegged by Sweet Pete]''
:'''Chip''': Where's Dale?
:'''Sweet Pete''': He'll be here. Keep your pants on.
:'''Chip''': I don't wear pants.
:'''Sweet Pete''': Yeah, I noticed. It's not something to brag about. ''[chuckles]''
:'''Chip''': What do you want?
:'''Sweet Pete''': I want you to stop messing with my business. You exposed everything, now I have to move all this stuff, and start over. It's super annoying. Ah, you should have just let me bootleg you when you came to my office. Could've saved us both a ton of headaches. ''[picks up an eraser]'' Besides, I was always more of an ''Alvin and the Chipmunks'' person.
:'''Chip''': You monster!
:''[As Sweet Pete goes to erase Chip's mouth, Ellie comes up behind him holding a gun]''
:'''Ellie''': Freeze, Sweet Pete.
:'''Sweet Pete''': Nah. How about ''you'' freeze?
:''[Ellie hears a gun clicking and sees Putty aiming his own gun at her]''
:'''Putty''': Drop it, Steckler.
:'''Ellie''': What? Captain Putty?
:'''Chip''': Dale was right. Oh, how cliché.
:'''Captain Putty''': I know. It is a bit unoriginal, right? Sweet Pete, remember when you first approached me to turn bad, be a bad guy, work with you, and I was like, &quot;Come on! That's too predictable!&quot;
:'''Sweet Pete''': Yeah. And what did I say?
:'''Putty and Pete''': If it ain't broke! ''[they both laugh]''
:'''Ellie''': How could you?
:'''Putty''': I know, I know. It's terrible. I am so ashamed, but I had no choice. My mother needed an operation. See, she got injured playing a game of ''[[w:Operation (game)|Operation]]''. She got too close to the sides and, uh... ''[pretends to sob]'' ...She got buzzed really bad. ''[laughs]'' Oh, I'm sorry. I couldn't do it any longer. Money! I'm [[w:List of The Smurfs characters|a greedy little Smurf]] who did it for the money!
:'''Chip''': Hilarious.
:'''Putty''': Yeah, but I had you going there for a second, didn't I? &quot;Hello, I think I just saw Peppa Pig heading into Nickelodeon Jr.&quot; ''[chuckles]''
:'''Ellie''': ''[realizes]'' It was you? You gave the fake tip, you derailed the whole investigation, and... and worst of all, you made me doubt myself.
:'''Putty''': Oh, come on. Don't be so fragile.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:''[Dale, Gadget, and Zipper are using the Rescue Ranger's plane to fly to Sweet Pete's hideout to save Chip]''
:'''Dale''': This is awesome! I'm amazed this thing actually flies. And you know how to fly it.
:'''Gadget''': Yeah. I guess my character from the old show, and my character in real life are basically exactly the same.
:'''Dale''': Yeah, I guess so. Zipper, how are the kids?
:'''Zipper''': Splendid. I mean, sure being a stay-at-home dad has its challenges, but it's the most rewarding job I could ever ask for and it just...
:''[Dale's cell phone rings]''
:'''Dale''': Whoa! It's actually my agent. Sorry, can you hold on for a second? ''[picks up the phone]'' Wow! Dave Bolinari. Haven't heard from you in a while. Did you not get my last seven years of messages?
:'''Dave''': ''[chuckles]'' Oh, Daley, brother, so sorry. Look, I got a new assistant, and then we were off for the holidays. Anyways, I'm watching the news. You're the talk of the town. We've got heat. We've got offers. I'm thinking book deal. I'm thinking ''reboot''!
:'''Dale''': Hey, actually, can I call you back? I can't talk now.
:'''Dave''': What? But Dale, you gotta get your priorities straight, dawg.
:'''Dale''': You know what? I think for the first time in my life, I ''am'' getting my priorities straight. Friends are more important than business. ''[tosses his phone out of the plane]''
:'''Dave''': Dale, brother...
:'''Zipper''': Good for you, Dale.
:'''Gadget''': Probably shouldn't have thrown your phone, though.
:'''Dale''': Nope. Immediately regretted it.
&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;&gt;
:'''Chip''': Putty! He's getting away!
:'''Ellie''': I'm on it.

== Cast ==
* '''[[John Mulaney]]''' — [[w:Chip 'n' Dale|Chip]]
* '''[[Andy Samberg]]''' — [[w:Chip 'n' Dale|Dale]]
* '''[[w:KiKi Layne|Kiki Layne]]''' — Ellie
* '''[[Will Arnett]]''' — Sweet Pete
* '''[[w:Da'Vone McDonald|Da'Vone McDonald]]''' — Jimmy
* '''[[w:Eric Bana|Eric Bana]]''' — Monty
* '''[[w:Flula Borg|Flula Borg]]''' — DJ Herzogenaurach
* '''[[w:Keegan-Michael Key|Keegan-Michael Key]]''' — Bjornson the Cheesemonger, Frog Co-Worker
* '''[[w:Tress MacNeille|Tress MacNeille]]''' — Gadget
* '''[[w:Dennis Haysbert|Dennis Haysbert]]''' — Zipper
* '''[[w:Tim Robinson (comedian)|Tim Robinson]]''' — Ugly Sonic
* '''[[w:Seth Rogen|Seth Rogen]]''' — Bob the Warrior Viking, Pumbaa, Mantis, B.O.B.
* '''[[w:J. K. Simmons|J.K. Simmons]]''' — Captain S. Putty
* '''[[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]]''' — Fat Cat, Pete, Darkwing Duck, [[w:Winnie the Pooh (Disney character)|Pooj]], [[w:Tigger|Tiger]]
* '''[[w:Chris Parnell|Chris Parnell]]''' — Dave Bollinari
* '''[[w:Jeff Bennett|Jeff Glen Bennett]]''' — Lumiere
* '''[[Steven Curtis Chapman|Steven Chapman]]''' — Baloo
* '''[[w:Jorma Taccone|Jorma Taccone]]''' — Batman
* '''[[w:Akiva Schaffer|Akiva Schaffer]]''' — [[E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial|E.T.]], Mr. Natural
* '''[[w:Charles Fleischer|Charles Fleischer]]''' — [[w:Roger Rabbit|Roger Rabbit]], Chipmunks TV Announcer
* '''[[Paul Rudd|Paul Rudd — Himself]]'''

== External Links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:2022 films]]
[[Category:2020s American animated films]]
[[Category:American computer-animated films]]
[[Category:Crossover films]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated films]]
[[Category:American children's animated adventure films]]
[[Category:American films with live action and animation]]
[[Category:American children's animated comedy films]]
[[Category:Films based on animated television series]]
[[Category:Crossover animated films]]
[[Category:Streaming films]]</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Muhammad Alauddin Siddiqui</title>
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      <contributor>
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      <text bytes="1277" xml:space="preserve">[[Muhammad Alauddin Siddiqui]] (January 1936 – 3 February 2017) was an Islamic Sufi scholar and social personality. He appeared in islamic educational programmes on ARY Q TV and on NOOR TV. He established madrassas for religious and non religious education, as well as mosques in Pakistan and England.

 
٭The love of Ahl al-Bayt is our life. The love of Sahaba is our glory. The love of the Holy Prophet is our faith. We can't leave life, can't leave glory, can't leave faith. This is the Sunni creed, remember it.
** ''Shaykh Muhammad Allauddin Siddiqui''

== Quotes ==

* If from a person's mouth comes a downpour of thorns, from yours should come the petals of a [[Roses|rose]].
** ''Shaykh Muhammad Allauddin Siddiqui''
* Is there any shortage in [[Allah]]'s Court? Ask Allah, ask over and over again, Allah is pleased by this!
** ''Shaykh Muhammad Allauddin Siddiqui''
* If a sin is committed here, the burden is felt in Madinah; because do you not know that the Master is grieved by your wrongdoing? 
** ''Shaykh Muhammad Allauddin Siddiqui''

== External links ==

{{Wikipedia-inline}}

{{Commons category-inline}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Siddiqui, Muhammad Alauddin}}
[[Category:1938 births]]
[[Category:2017 deaths]]
[[Category:Urdu scholars]]
[[Category:Islamic scholars]]</text>
      <sha1>tkbwemrzjcwadj0ke1me58qxa5xao4s</sha1>
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    <revision>
      <id>3153568</id>
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      <contributor>
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      <text bytes="1277" xml:space="preserve">[[Muhammad Alauddin Siddiqui]] (January 1936 – 3 February 2017) was an Islamic Sufi scholar and social personality. He appeared in islamic educational programmes on ARY Q TV and on NOOR TV. He established madrassas for religious and non religious education, as well as mosques in Pakistan and England.

 
* The love of Ahl al-Bayt is our life. The love of Sahaba is our glory. The love of the Holy Prophet is our faith. We can't leave life, can't leave glory, can't leave faith. This is the Sunni creed, remember it.
** ''Shaykh Muhammad Allauddin Siddiqui''

== Quotes ==

* If from a person's mouth comes a downpour of thorns, from yours should come the petals of a [[Roses|rose]].
** ''Shaykh Muhammad Allauddin Siddiqui''
* Is there any shortage in [[Allah]]'s Court? Ask Allah, ask over and over again, Allah is pleased by this!
** ''Shaykh Muhammad Allauddin Siddiqui''
* If a sin is committed here, the burden is felt in Madinah; because do you not know that the Master is grieved by your wrongdoing? 
** ''Shaykh Muhammad Allauddin Siddiqui''

== External links ==

{{Wikipedia-inline}}

{{Commons category-inline}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Siddiqui, Muhammad Alauddin}}
[[Category:1938 births]]
[[Category:2017 deaths]]
[[Category:Urdu scholars]]
[[Category:Islamic scholars]]</text>
      <sha1>hgmx3q8cfx05qjmgnfzcklu1me6up4f</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153569</id>
      <parentid>3153568</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T14:44:06Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>119.73.114.153</ip>
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      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="2086" xml:space="preserve">[[Muhammad Alauddin Siddiqui]] (January 1936 – 3 February 2017) was an Islamic Sufi scholar and social personality. He appeared in islamic educational programmes on ARY Q TV and on NOOR TV. He established madrassas for religious and non religious education, as well as mosques in Pakistan and England.

 
* '''&lt;small style=&quot;background:#162b65;border:#162b65 1px solid;color:#ffffff;padding:1px 3px 1px 4px;white-space:nowrap&quot;&gt;The love of Ahl al-Bayt is our life. The love of Sahaba is our glory. The love of the Holy Prophet is our faith. We can't leave life, can't leave glory, can't leave faith. This is the Sunni creed, remember it.'''&lt;/small&gt;'''
** ''[[Shaykh Muhammad Allauddin Siddiqui|&lt;small style=&quot;background:#00FF00;border:#00FF00 1px solid;color:#000000;padding:1px 3px 1px 4px;white-space:nowrap&quot;&gt;'''Shaykh Muhammad Allauddin Siddiqui'''&lt;/small&gt;]]''

== Quotes ==

* If from a person's mouth comes a downpour of thorns, from yours should come the petals of a [[Roses|rose]].
** ''[[Shaykh Muhammad Allauddin Siddiqui|&lt;small style=&quot;background:#162b65;border:#162b65 1px solid;color:#ffffff;padding:1px 3px 1px 4px;white-space:nowrap&quot;&gt;'''Shaykh Muhammad Allauddin Siddiqui'''&lt;/small&gt;]]''
* Is there any shortage in [[Allah]]'s Court? Ask Allah, ask over and over again, Allah is pleased by this!
** ''[[Shaykh Muhammad Allauddin Siddiqui|&lt;small style=&quot;background:#162b65;border:#162b65 1px solid;color:#ffffff;padding:1px 3px 1px 4px;white-space:nowrap&quot;&gt;'''Shaykh Muhammad Allauddin Siddiqui'''&lt;/small&gt;]]''
* If a sin is committed here, the burden is felt in Madinah; because do you not know that the Master is grieved by your wrongdoing? 
** ''[[Shaykh Muhammad Allauddin Siddiqui|&lt;small style=&quot;background:#162b65;border:#162b65 1px solid;color:#ffffff;padding:1px 3px 1px 4px;white-space:nowrap&quot;&gt;'''Shaykh Muhammad Allauddin Siddiqui'''&lt;/small&gt;]]''

== External links ==

{{Wikipedia-inline}}

{{Commons category-inline}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Siddiqui, Muhammad Alauddin}}
[[Category:1938 births]]
[[Category:2017 deaths]]
[[Category:Urdu scholars]]
[[Category:Islamic scholars]]</text>
      <sha1>bpk1o0veawbqq70bnxt40jozo0kmt3p</sha1>
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        <ip>119.73.114.153</ip>
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      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1953" xml:space="preserve">[[Muhammad Alauddin Siddiqui]] (January 1936 – 3 February 2017) was an Islamic Sufi scholar and social personality. He appeared in islamic educational programmes on ARY Q TV and on NOOR TV. He established madrassas for religious and non religious education, as well as mosques in Pakistan and England.

 
* The love of Ahl al-Bayt is our life. The love of Sahaba is our glory. The love of the Holy Prophet is our faith. We can't leave life, can't leave glory, can't leave faith. This is the Sunni creed, remember it.
** ''[[Shaykh Muhammad Allauddin Siddiqui|&lt;small style=&quot;background:#162b65;border:#162b65 1px solid;color:#ffffff;padding:1px 3px 1px 4px;white-space:nowrap&quot;&gt;'''Shaykh Muhammad Allauddin Siddiqui'''&lt;/small&gt;]]''

== Quotes ==

* If from a person's mouth comes a downpour of thorns, from yours should come the petals of a [[Roses|rose]].
** ''[[Shaykh Muhammad Allauddin Siddiqui|&lt;small style=&quot;background:#162b65;border:#162b65 1px solid;color:#ffffff;padding:1px 3px 1px 4px;white-space:nowrap&quot;&gt;'''Shaykh Muhammad Allauddin Siddiqui'''&lt;/small&gt;]]''
* Is there any shortage in [[Allah]]'s Court? Ask Allah, ask over and over again, Allah is pleased by this!
** ''[[Shaykh Muhammad Allauddin Siddiqui|&lt;small style=&quot;background:#162b65;border:#162b65 1px solid;color:#ffffff;padding:1px 3px 1px 4px;white-space:nowrap&quot;&gt;'''Shaykh Muhammad Allauddin Siddiqui'''&lt;/small&gt;]]''
* If a sin is committed here, the burden is felt in Madinah; because do you not know that the Master is grieved by your wrongdoing? 
** ''[[Shaykh Muhammad Allauddin Siddiqui|&lt;small style=&quot;background:#162b65;border:#162b65 1px solid;color:#ffffff;padding:1px 3px 1px 4px;white-space:nowrap&quot;&gt;'''Shaykh Muhammad Allauddin Siddiqui'''&lt;/small&gt;]]''

== External links ==

{{Wikipedia-inline}}

{{Commons category-inline}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Siddiqui, Muhammad Alauddin}}
[[Category:1938 births]]
[[Category:2017 deaths]]
[[Category:Urdu scholars]]
[[Category:Islamic scholars]]</text>
      <sha1>ijvb49u1gbbcdncazjejg6aqr4471jk</sha1>
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    <revision>
      <id>3153571</id>
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        <ip>119.73.114.153</ip>
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      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1973" xml:space="preserve">[[Muhammad Alauddin Siddiqui]] (January 1936 – 3 February 2017) was an Islamic Sufi scholar and social personality. He appeared in islamic educational programmes on ARY Q TV and on NOOR TV. He established madrassas for religious and non religious education, as well as mosques in Pakistan and England.

 
* The love of [[Ahl al-Bayt]] is our life. The love of [[Sahaba]] is our [[glory]]. The love of the Holy Prophet is our [[faith]]. We can't leave life, can't leave glory, can't leave [[faith]]. This is the Sunni creed, remember it.
** ''[[Shaykh Muhammad Allauddin Siddiqui|&lt;small style=&quot;background:#162b65;border:#162b65 1px solid;color:#ffffff;padding:1px 3px 1px 4px;white-space:nowrap&quot;&gt;'''Shaykh Muhammad Allauddin Siddiqui'''&lt;/small&gt;]]''

== Quotes ==

* If from a person's mouth comes a downpour of thorns, from yours should come the petals of a [[Roses|rose]].
** ''[[Shaykh Muhammad Allauddin Siddiqui|&lt;small style=&quot;background:#162b65;border:#162b65 1px solid;color:#ffffff;padding:1px 3px 1px 4px;white-space:nowrap&quot;&gt;'''Shaykh Muhammad Allauddin Siddiqui'''&lt;/small&gt;]]''
* Is there any shortage in [[Allah]]'s Court? Ask Allah, ask over and over again, Allah is pleased by this!
** ''[[Shaykh Muhammad Allauddin Siddiqui|&lt;small style=&quot;background:#162b65;border:#162b65 1px solid;color:#ffffff;padding:1px 3px 1px 4px;white-space:nowrap&quot;&gt;'''Shaykh Muhammad Allauddin Siddiqui'''&lt;/small&gt;]]''
* If a sin is committed here, the burden is felt in Madinah; because do you not know that the Master is grieved by your wrongdoing? 
** ''[[Shaykh Muhammad Allauddin Siddiqui|&lt;small style=&quot;background:#162b65;border:#162b65 1px solid;color:#ffffff;padding:1px 3px 1px 4px;white-space:nowrap&quot;&gt;'''Shaykh Muhammad Allauddin Siddiqui'''&lt;/small&gt;]]''

== External links ==

{{Wikipedia-inline}}

{{Commons category-inline}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Siddiqui, Muhammad Alauddin}}
[[Category:1938 births]]
[[Category:2017 deaths]]
[[Category:Urdu scholars]]
[[Category:Islamic scholars]]</text>
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    <revision>
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        <ip>119.73.114.153</ip>
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      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1965" xml:space="preserve">[[Muhammad Alauddin Siddiqui]] (January 1936 – 3 February 2017) was an Islamic Sufi scholar and social personality. He appeared in islamic educational programmes on ARY Q TV and on NOOR TV. He established madrassas for religious and non religious education, as well as mosques in Pakistan and England.

 
* The love of Ahl al-Bayt is our life. The love of Sahaba is our [[glory]]. The love of the Holy Prophet is our [[faith]]. We can't leave life, can't leave glory, can't leave [[faith]]. This is the Sunni creed, remember it.
** ''[[Shaykh Muhammad Allauddin Siddiqui|&lt;small style=&quot;background:#162b65;border:#162b65 1px solid;color:#ffffff;padding:1px 3px 1px 4px;white-space:nowrap&quot;&gt;'''Shaykh Muhammad Allauddin Siddiqui'''&lt;/small&gt;]]''

== Quotes ==

* If from a person's mouth comes a downpour of thorns, from yours should come the petals of a [[Roses|rose]].
** ''[[Shaykh Muhammad Allauddin Siddiqui|&lt;small style=&quot;background:#162b65;border:#162b65 1px solid;color:#ffffff;padding:1px 3px 1px 4px;white-space:nowrap&quot;&gt;'''Shaykh Muhammad Allauddin Siddiqui'''&lt;/small&gt;]]''
* Is there any shortage in [[Allah]]'s Court? Ask Allah, ask over and over again, Allah is pleased by this!
** ''[[Shaykh Muhammad Allauddin Siddiqui|&lt;small style=&quot;background:#162b65;border:#162b65 1px solid;color:#ffffff;padding:1px 3px 1px 4px;white-space:nowrap&quot;&gt;'''Shaykh Muhammad Allauddin Siddiqui'''&lt;/small&gt;]]''
* If a sin is committed here, the burden is felt in Madinah; because do you not know that the Master is grieved by your wrongdoing? 
** ''[[Shaykh Muhammad Allauddin Siddiqui|&lt;small style=&quot;background:#162b65;border:#162b65 1px solid;color:#ffffff;padding:1px 3px 1px 4px;white-space:nowrap&quot;&gt;'''Shaykh Muhammad Allauddin Siddiqui'''&lt;/small&gt;]]''

== External links ==

{{Wikipedia-inline}}

{{Commons category-inline}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Siddiqui, Muhammad Alauddin}}
[[Category:1938 births]]
[[Category:2017 deaths]]
[[Category:Urdu scholars]]
[[Category:Islamic scholars]]</text>
      <sha1>7vx0w7ijyo96n5rif2xbcs89xz6ajfa</sha1>
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  <page>
    <title>User talk:Koavf</title>
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    <revision>
      <id>3153606</id>
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      <contributor>
        <username>Ilovemydoodle</username>
        <id>3120156</id>
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      <comment>/* Hello */ new section</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
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      <text bytes="72749" xml:space="preserve">{{User talk:Koavf/Template:Archive}}
&lt;!-- Please leave comments below this line. --&gt;

== Template:Username ==

Could you please make [[Template:Username]] show the User’s name? I need it for several Templates. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:19, 12 June 2022 (UTC)

:What do you have in mind? Does {{tl|Ping}} not work? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:53, 12 June 2022 (UTC)
::I mean the user viewing it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:56, 12 June 2022 (UTC)
:::{{ping|Kalki}} [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:12, 13 June 2022 (UTC)
:::{{ping|koavf}}
::::I have no idea what you need. What would the template do? How would you use it? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:42, 13 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::A template that displays the username or IP address of the user viewing it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:49, 13 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::Do you have an example on another wiki that does this? I recalled that there was a magic word for this, but I can't seem to find it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:45, 13 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::No, but this is still a very useful *potential* feature. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:45, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

== Request to add Editnotice ==

Could you add [[User:Ilovemydoodle/FakeBlockMessage|this]] Editnotice to my User and User Talk pages? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:38, 15 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} Are you sure you want that message? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:39, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::Yes. Thank you, you are the best admin. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:52, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::Also, it isn't showing up, could you fix this?

::Edit: I think you need to create the page [[Mediawiki:Editnotice-2-Ilovemydoodle|here]] (and [[Mediawiki:Editnotice-3-Ilovemydoodle|here]] for the Talk Page) for it to actually work. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:54, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::That doesn't seem to have done the trick. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:02, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Maybe try some test text instead? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:04, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::I can. Seems like your hack should work, per [[mw:Manual:Interface/Edit notice]], tho. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:05, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::Maybe file a phab report? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:07, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::I fixed it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:12, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Could you also protect the page so only I and Administrators can edit it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:50, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::No, there's no way to do that, other than by manually blocking that one page from every user who isn't an admin or you. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:53, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:
{| style=&quot;border: 1px solid gray; background-color: #fdffe7;&quot;
|rowspan=&quot;2&quot; style=&quot;vertical-align:middle;&quot; | [[File:SpecialBarnstar.png|100px]]
|rowspan=&quot;2&quot; |
|style=&quot;font-size: x-large; padding: 0; vertical-align: middle; height: 1.1em;&quot; | '''The Special Barnstar'''
|-
|style=&quot;vertical-align: middle; border-top: 1px solid gray;&quot; | For actually doing this, I think most other Administrators take themselves to far too seriously to do something like this.
|} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:29, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

:Thanks kindly. I'm here to serve. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:35, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

== Merge fork ==

Could you merge my fork of [[Joe Biden]] into the main page (revisions included)? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:59, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

:Probably, but you have to meet me half-way here and link to said fork. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:03, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::[[User:Ilovemydoodle/forks/Main/Joe Biden]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:05, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::&quot;No revisions can be merged.&quot; —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:09, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Why? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:16, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::¯\_(ツ)_/¯ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:17, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::Try now. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:19, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::&quot;No revisions can be merged.&quot; —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:35, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Maybe try importing them instead? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:37, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::How? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:37, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Okay I figured it, this might sound strange, but it should work, merge [[Joe Biden]] into my fork, delete the original [[Joe Biden]] page and then move my fork to [[Joe Biden]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:49, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::&quot;Source revisions overlap or come after destination revisions.&quot; You should just edit the main article. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:00, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::{{done}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:04, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::Also, do you have any work for me to do on Wikiquote? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:05, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::Wow, great question. I think the best thing that can happen here is if someone helps to bring more [[m:Structured Wikiquote|structure and semantics to Wikiquote]]. On a structural level, that is beyond any one person fixing, but anyone can add templates, metadata, etc. E.g. if you cite a source, include a citation template or use proper list semantics, such as not putting line breaks between bullets in a list. That and adding accessibility features like [[:w:en:WP:ALT|alt text]] are important issues to me. Thanks for asking and for all you do around here. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:50, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::I have been doing some of these things for while now, I will continue to do so also doing the other things you mentioned, but I was mainly looking for one or two shorter tasks to do now. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:10, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::Hi {{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, in terms of work to do on Wikiquote:
*[[:Category:Wikiquote no intro]] need intros
*[[:Category:Video games]]' contents needs sorting into categories by year
*[[:Category:Wikiquote cleanup]] has hundreds of articles needing cleanup
*[[Flooding]] could potentially be an article rather than redirect, not 100 percent sure though, depends on quotability.
*There are many entire countries with no article yet. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 16:46, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::Also thank you again Koavf for the admin/maintenance work. I hope we get to see you back at enwiki eventually. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 19:21, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::Thanks, RC! —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:46, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::No worries. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 19:51, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

== Feature ==

Help, I really needed a feature added that lets a Template tell which skin your using. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:58, 19 June 2022 (UTC)

:Wow, I have no idea how to do that. You want to be a thrid party that knows which skin someone is using? I'm not sure that is an option. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:09, 19 June 2022 (UTC)
::I really need it, apparently the background of my talk page break certain features, but only on one skin, and after fixing now it only works on that skin and doesn't work on others, so I really need this fixed, maybe something using css files? 

::Edit: I figured it out, just add some css to the css file for each skin:

::* [[Mediawiki:vector.css]]
::* [[Mediawiki:vector-2022.css]]
::* [[Mediawiki:minerva.css]]
::* [[Mediawiki:monobook.css]]
::* [[Mediawiki:timeless.css]]

::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:55, 19 June 2022 (UTC)
:::{{ping|koavf}} [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:23, 20 June 2022 (UTC)
::::I'm confused why you're pinging me. You just wrote, &quot;I figured it out&quot;, so I thought there was no action for me here. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:35, 20 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::No, I meant that I figured out how YOU can fix it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:52, 20 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::What do you want me to insert in the CSS files? I'm reluctant to do this as it will modify the site for all users, but I'm not entirely opposed. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:03, 20 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::Just make it you have something that only appears when that skin is active.

:::::::Edit: You can do this by making something invisible in common.css and then setting it visible in the skin’s css file. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:05, 20 June 2022 (UTC)

== Feature request ==

Could you make a very useful JavaScript hack for me? Ping me when your ready and I'll give you more information. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 16:21, 23 June 2022 (UTC)

:I'm putting something on my calendar for next weekend--I'm busy this weekend. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:42, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
::Could you please do the other request above, though? (I really need it for something) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:44, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
:::All of them exist except one. I'll add a comment to it and then I suppose that resolves it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:53, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
::::No I mean in each file could you put:
::::&lt;code&gt;span.show-[skin name here] {display: initial;}&lt;/code&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;code&gt;span.hide-[skin name here] {display: none;}&lt;/code&gt;
::::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:00, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::No, I'm not sure what that will do. I'm trying to think of how that would appear in CSS and that seems like it would not display the user preferences. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 21:01, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::Well, you just add this code to common.css for each skin:
::::::&lt;code&gt;span.show-[skin name here] {display: none;}&lt;/code&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;code&gt;span.hide-[skin name here] {display: initial;}&lt;/code&gt;
::::::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:03, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::I'm reluctant to do that becuase of the concerns above. Do you have an example wiki where someone did this? I don't want to tinker with site-wide CSS without a really good reason. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 21:04, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Well, I can't think of any other wiki, but this IS quite important. On my user page I implemented a feature that perfectly well for me, but another user informed me that it didn't work in one skin, so I made one for that skin, but it only worked in that skin, so I need some code to differentiate between skins. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:10, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Could please give me more information about this? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:08, 25 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::If I edit site-wide CSS, that will impact all users with a given skin. So I want to be very conservative about doing that and I don't want to even experiment, lest I mess up someone's view of the site. If you have examples of other wikis doing this or can justify why you need it done with some clarity, then maybe I can help you. Better yet woudl be community consensus. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:15, 25 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::Basically, I want a feature where I can create a span with the class &quot;[Skin Name Here]-show&quot; and it will only show it for users viewing in that skin, there would also be a &quot;[Skin Name Here]-hide&quot; which would do the reverse. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:24, 25 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::And I need to have a greater justification than just your personal preference before I tinker with site-wide CSS. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:44, 25 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::A lot of Templates need different code for each skin to display properly. Also, I don't see any harm in adding this. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:46, 25 June 2022 (UTC)

== Response time ==

Is there anyway to have a discussion in real-time? I would like to have several long discussions about feature requests, but that's not really doable if it takes days between each comment. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:23, 26 June 2022 (UTC)

:I have really only used Gchat (or whatever it's called now) for IMing, but sure. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:31, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::What is Gchat? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:32, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::Google's IMing, associated with Gmail. Again, it's been called a million things. Hangouts now? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:33, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Any WMF way of live chat? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:33, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::I think Matrix: [[m:matrix]]. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:38, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::I keep hearing about &quot;libera chat&quot;, is it what I want? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:40, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::Correct. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:29, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::So, could you explain what it is and how to do what I am requesting with it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:31, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::I've never used it. I just know that it's the replacement for IRC (which I very rarely used). —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:47, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::What’s IRC again? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:52, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::{{w|Internet Relay Chat}}, which was more-or-less popular as a group chat option for decades and the best server for it, {{w|Freenode}} was bought by a jerk, so everyone jumped ship to Libera. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:06, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::How does libera work? Would it be good for what I want? And, do you have an account there? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:08, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::It's a good chat service, as I understand it and would meet your needs. I've never used it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:13, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::Can you create an account? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:48, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::Sure, if that's the method you want to use. I'm here to help. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 07:00, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::::What is the name of your account? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:05, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::@koavf:matrix.org —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:05, 27 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::::::{{ping|koavf}} I mean on libera. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:38, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::::Gotcha. I haven't made one yet. I can when I'm free-er. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 12:52, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::::::::When will that be? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:53, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::::::I have a calendar reminder for the following weekend (i.e. not in a few days but a week and a half). —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 12:58, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::::::::::I am wondering if we can do it today instead? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:07, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::::::::I cannot. I have a busy-ish day and a very busy day tomorrow. To the extent that I can screw around on the Internet, it has to be pretty limited. I'm happy to meet at a time that's mutually convenient, of course. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 13:10, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
{{Outdent|::::::::::}}Thank you! When your ready I have a lot to discuss. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:17, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
:Also, when your ready, could you leave a message saying so on my Talk Page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:03, 4 July 2022 (UTC)
::Can do. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:11, 4 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Can you just send me a calendar invite if you need to chat? I'm afraid that it's hard for me to make the time. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:03, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::I am not sure how to do that, do you mean like mentally, or on Wikiquote? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:54, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::Sorry, I meant to my email address: justinkoavf[littleanarchysymbol][google's email service][period]com. If you can't do that or don't want to share your email address with me, then please let me know. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:14, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::I have had my email address removed a long time ago due to abuse, so I can't use my email. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:18, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::You can't email me directly? That's fine. When would you like to chat? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:35, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::When ever you’re ready to implement a lot of stuff. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:38, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Also, which Template de-indents a discussion? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:58, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::{{tl|outdent}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:04, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Do you have any set date that you would be willing to help implement (or at-least begin the implementation of) a lot of features? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:28, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Unfortunately, I'm busy with work and personal things in July, so I've had a hard time setting a time. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 00:34, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::Also, why did you obfuscate your email address? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:24, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::What is &quot;[littleanarchysymbol]&quot;? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:12, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::Obfuscated for bots. [littleanarchysymbol] = &quot;@&quot;. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 00:34, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::I’m confused, what do you mean obfuscated for bots? Also, if it's obfuscated how I am meant to read it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:49, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::So that a bot couldn't harvest it and spam me. You may be able to read it because you can decode things that a bot can't. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:48, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Oh. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:03, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

== Bug fix ==

In [[Special:ListUsers]] &quot;Administrator&quot; is capitalized, on all other wikis (including Wikipedia) it is lower case. Could you please fix this? You could do this by either making it lower case, or by capitalizing all User Rights. (the second option is the one I prefer) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:28, 26 June 2022 (UTC)

:But all of them are upper case now, so at least that's consistent. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:31, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::Oh wait, I see. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:32, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:I think fixing it would require recreating [[MediaWiki:Administrators]] and making it lower-case, but I'm not sure of all the places where it would be changed. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:34, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::I don't see the problem with doing that. Also, if you prefer it capitalized, you could just capitalize all User Groups. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:36, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::Because it may be transcluded other places where it shouldn't be capitalized. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:37, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Well, it's just fine on en.wp. Also, which option do you prefer? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:39, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::I have no strong feelings on this and while I am actually usually very in favor of consistency and proper usage, this one doesn't bother me much. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:29, 26 June 2022 (UTC)

== A question for you ==

If you ever get unblocked from enwiki, will you still regularly contribute here? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:46, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

:For sure. I plan on it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:13, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

== Issue with your archive page ==

A lot of users used &lt;code&gt;&lt;nowiki&gt;{{PAGENAME}}&lt;/nowiki&gt;&lt;/code&gt; instead &lt;code&gt;koavf&lt;/code&gt; on your Talk Page, so when you archived the page it now says &quot;Hi koavf/archive001&quot; instead of just &quot;Hi koavf.&quot; Could you fix this? (I can't since you protected the page) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:05, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

:Sure, thanks. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 00:34, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

== Rollback vote ==

Could you vote [[Wikiquote:Requests for Rollback/Ilovemydoodle|here]]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:51, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

== Protection request ==

Could you protect [[User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive 1|this page]] so only admins can edit? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 09:34, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive 1|This page]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:15, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::Still isn’t done. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:40, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Wait why is the page gone? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:48, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::::It's back. The easiest way to delete dozens of revisions is to delete the entire page and then un-delete the revisions that you want. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:50, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::Ohhhhhhhh. I was really confused why you were deleting the whole page. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:55, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::Koavf, could you do a full cleansing of the page? What I mean is removing all vandal revisions to the very beginning (even those already revdeled), and then also removing the reverts of those revisions as well. Could you do this? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:15, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::That should be most of them. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:20, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Could you also remove the undos of vandalism? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:23, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Nothing even displays: https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive_1&amp;diff=next&amp;oldid=3139360 Is this really necessary? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:25, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::I would like to do it, to reduce clutter and potential for confusion, so, yes. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:32, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::Thank you, Koavf! – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:51, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

== Protected edit request ==

Could you change [[Template:Test4]] to redirect to [[Template:Uw-vandalism4]] to match Wikipedia? Also, to make the progression to 4im make more sense. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:34, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

== Abuse Filter ==

: ''{{ping|Antandrus}} Could you also give your comment on this?''

Could you add the following terms to the Abuse Filter:

* VKKSTUPID (any capitalization)
* VKKSTUPIDITY (any capitalization)
* AANT (any capitalization)
* AANTANDRUS (any capitalization)
* encyclopediadramatica.online (any capitalization)
* g'p (any capitalization)
* g’p (any capitalization)
* encyclopediadr'matica (any capitalization)
* Antandrus david (any capitalization)
* Ilovemycock (any capitalization)
* Ilovemycok (any capitalization)
* Ethandeath (any capitalization)
* Antdeath (any capitalization)
* ANTANDRUS FUCK BUDDY (any capitalization)
* ANTANDRUS FUKBUDDY (any capitalization)
* FUKBUDDY (any capitalization)
* WP:BOYS (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* Chicago Boys (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* Wikidiot (any capitalization)
* Wikiidiot (any capitalization)
* WMFloser (any capitalization)
* Wikiloser (any capitalization)
* Wikipedo (any capitalization)
* Wikipedoa (any capitalization)
* PAVLOL (any capitalization)
* pause for breath (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* HAHAHA (specified capitalization only)
* ANT COCK (any capitalization)
* GLOBLALY (any capitalization)
* da clock (any capitalization)
* archive.is (any capitalization)
* archive.ph (any capitalization)
* ATTAX (any capitalization)
* REMOVETD (any capitalization)
* JAN PAWEŁ (any capitalization)
* WMF squm (any capitalization)
* 'n' (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* WMFhomopedo (any capitalization)
* as proven! (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* ilovemydoodle = (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* G-R-P (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* GLOBAL BAN EVADER (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* ANT-ANDRUS (any capitalization)
* AANT-ANDRUS (any capitalization)
* ILOVEMYDOODLE LOVES (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* a r c h i v e (any capitalization)
* WMFVOMIT (any capitalization)
* WMFCANCER (any capitalization)
* the fodder (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* THANX (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* THX (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* all is saved (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* forever blocked (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* blocked loser (any capitalization)
* fuckbuddy ant (any capitalization)
* fuckbuddy antandrus (any capitalization)
* antandr's (any capitalization)
* HAHAHAHAHA (specified capitalization only)
* PAUSE FOR BREATH (specified capitalization only)
* O YEA (specified capitalization only)
* o yea (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* yea YEA (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* U CANT SLEEP (any capitalization)
* ANT-STN (any capitalization)
* ency'lopediadram'tica (any capitalization)
* GLOBA LOSER (any capitalization)
* GLOBAL LOSER (any capitalization)
* IN YOUR FACES (specified capitalization only)
* in your faces (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* vvkrejects (any capitalization)
* VVK (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* IN YO FACES (any capitalization)
* vvkhypocrite (any capitalization)
* FOFFER (any capitalization)
* real life stalker (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* REAL LIFE STALKER (specified capitalization only)
* DEFYING LOGIC (specified capitalization only)
* FOR WMF (specified capitalization only)
* globally blocked lta (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* GLOBALLY BLOCKED LTA (specified capitalization only)
* WMF RESPECT (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* wikitruth (any capitalization)
* wmf stands for (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* wmf stand for (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* WMF STANDS FOR (specified capitalization only)
* WMF STAND FOR (specified capitalization only)
* I LOVE MY COCK (any capitalization)
* wmf total (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* WMF TOTAL (specified capitalization only)
* fight u (any capitalization)
* ET AL (specified capitalization only)
* zero brains (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* BL*TANT (any capitalization)
* utm*st (any capitalization)
* UTMOST (specified capitalization only)
* Suckpuppet (any capitalization)
* wikihomopedoia (any capitalization)
* ED loser (any capitalization)
* HAHAHAHAHAHA (specified capitalization only)
* AKA (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* VVKLOSER (any capitalization)
– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:46, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

:I've edited the abuse filter before, but I'm not a whiz at it. Note that blocking edits outright based on some of these filters would certainly disrupt standard editing. I feel like this is probably not the best way to stop vandalism and would want to get more consensus from the community. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:52, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
::How about you block the ones that are obviously vandalism entirely. And the potentially good-faith ones could be allowed only for autoconfirmed. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:17, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I'd still want a broader consensus. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:22, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Also, could you protect [[Wikiquote:Village pump archive 60|this page]]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:24, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
:Imagine what GRP would do if when he next logs in Wikiquote using one of his 50 trillion VPNs, and all of his favorite buzzwords get blocked by the Abuse Filter. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:56, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
::Again, please post to the Village Pump to get consensus. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:15, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
:::{{done}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:44, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

== Quick fix needed ==

Could you please create [[MediaWiki:Dot-separator|this page]]? It's needed for a lot of templates on Wikipedia, so when I import them, they don't work. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:04, 11 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:16, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::Question: how do you import revisions? I regularly import templates from Wikipedia, so it would be nice to be able to import the revisions too. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:39, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::[[Special:Import]], if you are an admin. You are not importing, you're just copying and pasting, which is fine as long as you give attribution in the edit summary or the talk page. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:43, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Is there anyway to import '''without''' being an admin? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:45, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::No, just ask an admin to do it. Again, it's fine to completely reproduce any of the content from any WMF project anywhere, it just requires attribution. The problem with copy/paste &quot;importing&quot; is that it may not import all dependencies. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:49, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::Well, I know how to import dependencies, I would just like the ability to import revisions too, as I import hundreds of templates regularly. Also, when copying I often forget to attribute. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:54, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::If you forget, in practice, it's not the biggest deal in the world, but you really should post a note on the talk page saying where it came from and how someone could find attribution at the original source. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:55, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Well, according to [[w:WP:IMPORTS|this]], there is a group for &lt;code&gt;import&lt;/code&gt;, just like &lt;code&gt;rollback&lt;/code&gt;. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:59, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Heads up that it's [[:w:en:Help:Import]] or [[:w:en:WP:IMPORT]]. In theory, we can activate importer and transwiki importers here, but we [[Special:ListUsers/import|don't have any]] and I personally can't do it, as it requires a bureaucrat. Generally, import rights outside of being an admin is rare and reserved for weird circumstances (e.g. a user on en.wp who has access to very old server logs and imports edits from 2001 occasionally). —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:04, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Can I make a request? And, if so, where? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:19, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::You can request import at the admin's noticeboard. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:25, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::{{done}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:40, 11 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

Could please revdel these two revisions? (they are both by the same vandal)
* [[Special:Diff/3140786|1]]
* [[Special:Diff/3140787|2]]
– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:08, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:10, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::Second one too? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:12, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I think you forgot the second one. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:10, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Check again. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:06, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Kim_Il-sung&amp;oldid=3140787 Still there] – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:20, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::Gotcha. I deleted the edit summary. Thanks: hate speech has no place here except in the context of historically meaningful and educational quotations.o —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:33, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::Could you also give feedback to my question on the village pump? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:36, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

== Protection request ==

Could you protect [[User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive 1|this page]] so only admins can edit? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:11, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} I already did that. Now I've done it twice. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:07, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

== Question about the abuse filter ==

Can importing revisions ever trigger the abuse filter? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:19, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

:Probably? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 14:35, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::Which user right (not group) allows you to bypass the abuse filter? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:01, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I don't know anything more than this: [[:mw:Extension:AbuseFilter#User_rights]]. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 15:55, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Who would know more about this? Should I ping Aklapper? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:13, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::Possibly. I think a lot of folks on en.wp would know. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:31, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::I already asked a few hours ago on the help desk, still no response. I also asked on meta, also no response. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:33, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::I got two answers, here: [[m:Special:Diff/23515465|meta]], [[w:Special:Diff/1097930390|wikipedia]]. So the answer (thankfully) appears to be no. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:52, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

== Importer proposal ==

Could you give me feedback on my importer proposal? (not for/against, just about improving the proposal) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:54, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

== &lt;s&gt;Emergency&lt;/s&gt; ==

&lt;s&gt;QOTD missing!&lt;/s&gt; {{done}} by Kalki. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:01, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

== Question about my import proposal ==

Some of the permissions I know for sure are needed, for others I am pretty sure, and a few are just guesses. So, do you know who specifically I could ask about this? This would make sure that ones that are not needed can be removed, and that needed ones that are not listed can be added. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:47, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

:I don't have a recommendation on this, no. It's your proposal: you can make it however you want. You just need to be clear and explain your reasoning. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 11:16, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

== &lt;s&gt;QOTD&lt;/s&gt;==

&lt;s&gt;QOTD is missing!&lt;/s&gt; {{done}} by Kalki. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:22, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Question about my requests to you that could be asked more generally on VP or AN ==

Are you okay with this, or does it bother you? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:32, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

:If the worst thing that happens to me here is that someone is too enthusiastic, that's a good problem to have. I like your edits and interest in helping out. I just want to make sure that any kind of radical changes get larger community support. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:37, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:Contributions/Mr. Dick Pump|These two edits]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:28, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 14:56, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:contribs/2001:E68:6125:E800:9458:3779:9236:6072|Three edit summaries]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:16, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 14:57, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:contribs/2603:6010:c600:a8:40c4:fa43:6b2d:63ac|Three revisions]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:00, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

:&lt;small&gt;([[:w:WP:TPS|talk page stalker]])&lt;/small&gt; {{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, {{done}} but only one revision. The others aren't eligible for revdel. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 20:12, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

== Potential issue with import proposal ==

If the page has already been imported manually and changed since, but the page on the wiki you are importing from has also been changed, then the merge will fail. So is there any kind of right that I could that would let you remove a revision? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:04, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

:Just being an admin. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:02, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
::Does the database keep track of if an edit is imported? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:09, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I'm not certain. From what I've seen, it's seamless. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:49, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
::::I mean in the backend. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:59, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::I'm not sure. I would think so. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 21:13, 16 July 2022 (UTC)

== Online ==

Are you online right now? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:32, 16 July 2022 (UTC)

:I'll have a little availability, but I'm getting sleepy actually--I've been sick lately. :/ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:02, 16 July 2022 (UTC)

== Online ==

Are you still online? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:02, 16 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:Diff/3143353|This]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:53, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:51, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

== Bureaucrat ==

I wanted to nominate you for bureaucrat, but I could not think of enough reasons for a full nomination. Could you nominate yourself? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:22, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{not done}} I'm pretty busy now, so picking up extra responsibility seems like a bad idea. :/ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:51, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
::Later? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:52, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Maybe! —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:59, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:Diff/3121426|This]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:32, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:38, 19 July 2022 (UTC)

== Hounding ==

I have noticed that a particular new editor here seems to be here only in discussion pages, which is fine in my opinion, but they appear to particularly targeting me (voting against various proposals, listing pages for deletion, etc.), and haven't been doing any mainspsce editing or editing in other discussions, does this count as hounding? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:37, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{ping|AC9016}} Do you agree? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:38, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:It could be. I haven't seen this behavior yet. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 15:42, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
::[[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|Here]] – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:44, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I have not observed this behavior either. My time on Wikiquote is overwhelmingly spent on creating and editing pages. --[[User:AC9016|AC9016]] ([[User talk:AC9016|talk]]) 15:57, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I see you posted to his talk, so let's see where that goes. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 15:58, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

== Strikethrough templates ==

Templates what is your opinion on {{t|Ds}}, {{t|Ts}}, and {{t|Qs}}? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:52, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

:It's not obvious to me why these exist. If you need to semantically mark up that something is deleted or struck, then we have those options, so why do we need to visually have a template that strikes something four times? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 07:48, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

== Availability ==

When do you think you could help with the js feature requests previously mentioned? Thanks. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:04, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

:Which one again? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:11, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
::Not specifically one, several small ones over IRC. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:16, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Oh, not anytime soon. Sorry. :/
:::I have work, school, and travel. I am happy to do continued maintenance on projects where I am an admin (e.g. here), but doing anything ambitious is on an indefinite hold. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:18, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Not that big, only small to medium additions. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:22, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

== AN Archives ==

Hello. I noticed that you sysop-protected [[Wikiquote:Administrators' noticeboard/Archive/037]] but this is blocking [[Special:Contribs/MABot|my bot]] from archiving the [[WQ:AN]] as requested. Would you prefer if I start archiving in [[Wikiquote:Administrators' noticeboard/Archive/038]] instead? If this is due to vandalism, an AbuseFilter could be created to avoid subpages of the AN to be editted by anyone but sysops and bots. Regards, --[[User:MarcoAurelio|MarcoAurelio]] ([[User talk:MarcoAurelio|talk]]) 11:10, 28 July 2022 (UTC)

:Maybe your bot can just be an admin? I'm not a bureaucrat, so I can't do it unilaterally, but you're a trusted user, so I don't see that as being a problem. I'll unprotect for now. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 16:30, 28 July 2022 (UTC)
::Thank you. I appreciate your words, but I do not think my bot should have +sysop as it is very dangerous. Bots can, however, edit pages protected up to the autoconfirmed level so if vandalism on that page is an issue you may reprotect it to the &quot;edit: autoconfirmed&quot; level and my bot won't have troubles with bypassing that restriction. Regards, --[[User:MarcoAurelio|MarcoAurelio]] ([[User talk:MarcoAurelio|talk]]) 10:45, 29 July 2022 (UTC)

== Hello ==

I would like to inform you that I have returned here after three weeks.

I mainly left due to the large-scale deletion of my templates and modules, most of which was unjustified. I would like to have these undeleted so the issues with templates can be properly addressed, rather than just deleting them. I would like to start by having these templates undeleted:
* [[Template:T]]
* [[Template:Blockedreason]]
* [[Template:Removed]] (and [[Template:Vote removed]])
Do you think you help with this? And, if so, could you add some-sort-of messaging saying that it is currently being worked-on and should ''not'' be immediately re-VfD'd? Thanks. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:44, 11 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>i5964kwclze2drjdlyfp52r69wyokp5</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153609</id>
      <parentid>3153606</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T17:50:32Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Koavf</username>
        <id>6765</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Hello */ Reply</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="73143" xml:space="preserve">{{User talk:Koavf/Template:Archive}}
&lt;!-- Please leave comments below this line. --&gt;

== Template:Username ==

Could you please make [[Template:Username]] show the User’s name? I need it for several Templates. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:19, 12 June 2022 (UTC)

:What do you have in mind? Does {{tl|Ping}} not work? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:53, 12 June 2022 (UTC)
::I mean the user viewing it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:56, 12 June 2022 (UTC)
:::{{ping|Kalki}} [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:12, 13 June 2022 (UTC)
:::{{ping|koavf}}
::::I have no idea what you need. What would the template do? How would you use it? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:42, 13 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::A template that displays the username or IP address of the user viewing it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:49, 13 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::Do you have an example on another wiki that does this? I recalled that there was a magic word for this, but I can't seem to find it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:45, 13 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::No, but this is still a very useful *potential* feature. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:45, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

== Request to add Editnotice ==

Could you add [[User:Ilovemydoodle/FakeBlockMessage|this]] Editnotice to my User and User Talk pages? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:38, 15 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} Are you sure you want that message? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:39, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::Yes. Thank you, you are the best admin. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:52, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::Also, it isn't showing up, could you fix this?

::Edit: I think you need to create the page [[Mediawiki:Editnotice-2-Ilovemydoodle|here]] (and [[Mediawiki:Editnotice-3-Ilovemydoodle|here]] for the Talk Page) for it to actually work. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:54, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::That doesn't seem to have done the trick. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:02, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Maybe try some test text instead? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:04, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::I can. Seems like your hack should work, per [[mw:Manual:Interface/Edit notice]], tho. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:05, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::Maybe file a phab report? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:07, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::I fixed it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:12, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Could you also protect the page so only I and Administrators can edit it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:50, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::No, there's no way to do that, other than by manually blocking that one page from every user who isn't an admin or you. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:53, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:
{| style=&quot;border: 1px solid gray; background-color: #fdffe7;&quot;
|rowspan=&quot;2&quot; style=&quot;vertical-align:middle;&quot; | [[File:SpecialBarnstar.png|100px]]
|rowspan=&quot;2&quot; |
|style=&quot;font-size: x-large; padding: 0; vertical-align: middle; height: 1.1em;&quot; | '''The Special Barnstar'''
|-
|style=&quot;vertical-align: middle; border-top: 1px solid gray;&quot; | For actually doing this, I think most other Administrators take themselves to far too seriously to do something like this.
|} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:29, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

:Thanks kindly. I'm here to serve. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:35, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

== Merge fork ==

Could you merge my fork of [[Joe Biden]] into the main page (revisions included)? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:59, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

:Probably, but you have to meet me half-way here and link to said fork. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:03, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::[[User:Ilovemydoodle/forks/Main/Joe Biden]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:05, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::&quot;No revisions can be merged.&quot; —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:09, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Why? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:16, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::¯\_(ツ)_/¯ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:17, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::Try now. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:19, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::&quot;No revisions can be merged.&quot; —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:35, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Maybe try importing them instead? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:37, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::How? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:37, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Okay I figured it, this might sound strange, but it should work, merge [[Joe Biden]] into my fork, delete the original [[Joe Biden]] page and then move my fork to [[Joe Biden]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:49, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::&quot;Source revisions overlap or come after destination revisions.&quot; You should just edit the main article. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:00, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::{{done}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:04, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::Also, do you have any work for me to do on Wikiquote? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:05, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::Wow, great question. I think the best thing that can happen here is if someone helps to bring more [[m:Structured Wikiquote|structure and semantics to Wikiquote]]. On a structural level, that is beyond any one person fixing, but anyone can add templates, metadata, etc. E.g. if you cite a source, include a citation template or use proper list semantics, such as not putting line breaks between bullets in a list. That and adding accessibility features like [[:w:en:WP:ALT|alt text]] are important issues to me. Thanks for asking and for all you do around here. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:50, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::I have been doing some of these things for while now, I will continue to do so also doing the other things you mentioned, but I was mainly looking for one or two shorter tasks to do now. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:10, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::Hi {{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, in terms of work to do on Wikiquote:
*[[:Category:Wikiquote no intro]] need intros
*[[:Category:Video games]]' contents needs sorting into categories by year
*[[:Category:Wikiquote cleanup]] has hundreds of articles needing cleanup
*[[Flooding]] could potentially be an article rather than redirect, not 100 percent sure though, depends on quotability.
*There are many entire countries with no article yet. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 16:46, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::Also thank you again Koavf for the admin/maintenance work. I hope we get to see you back at enwiki eventually. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 19:21, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::Thanks, RC! —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:46, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::No worries. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 19:51, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

== Feature ==

Help, I really needed a feature added that lets a Template tell which skin your using. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:58, 19 June 2022 (UTC)

:Wow, I have no idea how to do that. You want to be a thrid party that knows which skin someone is using? I'm not sure that is an option. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:09, 19 June 2022 (UTC)
::I really need it, apparently the background of my talk page break certain features, but only on one skin, and after fixing now it only works on that skin and doesn't work on others, so I really need this fixed, maybe something using css files? 

::Edit: I figured it out, just add some css to the css file for each skin:

::* [[Mediawiki:vector.css]]
::* [[Mediawiki:vector-2022.css]]
::* [[Mediawiki:minerva.css]]
::* [[Mediawiki:monobook.css]]
::* [[Mediawiki:timeless.css]]

::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:55, 19 June 2022 (UTC)
:::{{ping|koavf}} [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:23, 20 June 2022 (UTC)
::::I'm confused why you're pinging me. You just wrote, &quot;I figured it out&quot;, so I thought there was no action for me here. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:35, 20 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::No, I meant that I figured out how YOU can fix it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:52, 20 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::What do you want me to insert in the CSS files? I'm reluctant to do this as it will modify the site for all users, but I'm not entirely opposed. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:03, 20 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::Just make it you have something that only appears when that skin is active.

:::::::Edit: You can do this by making something invisible in common.css and then setting it visible in the skin’s css file. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:05, 20 June 2022 (UTC)

== Feature request ==

Could you make a very useful JavaScript hack for me? Ping me when your ready and I'll give you more information. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 16:21, 23 June 2022 (UTC)

:I'm putting something on my calendar for next weekend--I'm busy this weekend. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:42, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
::Could you please do the other request above, though? (I really need it for something) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:44, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
:::All of them exist except one. I'll add a comment to it and then I suppose that resolves it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:53, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
::::No I mean in each file could you put:
::::&lt;code&gt;span.show-[skin name here] {display: initial;}&lt;/code&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;code&gt;span.hide-[skin name here] {display: none;}&lt;/code&gt;
::::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:00, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::No, I'm not sure what that will do. I'm trying to think of how that would appear in CSS and that seems like it would not display the user preferences. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 21:01, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::Well, you just add this code to common.css for each skin:
::::::&lt;code&gt;span.show-[skin name here] {display: none;}&lt;/code&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;code&gt;span.hide-[skin name here] {display: initial;}&lt;/code&gt;
::::::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:03, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::I'm reluctant to do that becuase of the concerns above. Do you have an example wiki where someone did this? I don't want to tinker with site-wide CSS without a really good reason. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 21:04, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Well, I can't think of any other wiki, but this IS quite important. On my user page I implemented a feature that perfectly well for me, but another user informed me that it didn't work in one skin, so I made one for that skin, but it only worked in that skin, so I need some code to differentiate between skins. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:10, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Could please give me more information about this? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:08, 25 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::If I edit site-wide CSS, that will impact all users with a given skin. So I want to be very conservative about doing that and I don't want to even experiment, lest I mess up someone's view of the site. If you have examples of other wikis doing this or can justify why you need it done with some clarity, then maybe I can help you. Better yet woudl be community consensus. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:15, 25 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::Basically, I want a feature where I can create a span with the class &quot;[Skin Name Here]-show&quot; and it will only show it for users viewing in that skin, there would also be a &quot;[Skin Name Here]-hide&quot; which would do the reverse. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:24, 25 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::And I need to have a greater justification than just your personal preference before I tinker with site-wide CSS. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:44, 25 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::A lot of Templates need different code for each skin to display properly. Also, I don't see any harm in adding this. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:46, 25 June 2022 (UTC)

== Response time ==

Is there anyway to have a discussion in real-time? I would like to have several long discussions about feature requests, but that's not really doable if it takes days between each comment. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:23, 26 June 2022 (UTC)

:I have really only used Gchat (or whatever it's called now) for IMing, but sure. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:31, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::What is Gchat? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:32, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::Google's IMing, associated with Gmail. Again, it's been called a million things. Hangouts now? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:33, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Any WMF way of live chat? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:33, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::I think Matrix: [[m:matrix]]. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:38, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::I keep hearing about &quot;libera chat&quot;, is it what I want? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:40, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::Correct. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:29, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::So, could you explain what it is and how to do what I am requesting with it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:31, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::I've never used it. I just know that it's the replacement for IRC (which I very rarely used). —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:47, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::What’s IRC again? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:52, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::{{w|Internet Relay Chat}}, which was more-or-less popular as a group chat option for decades and the best server for it, {{w|Freenode}} was bought by a jerk, so everyone jumped ship to Libera. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:06, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::How does libera work? Would it be good for what I want? And, do you have an account there? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:08, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::It's a good chat service, as I understand it and would meet your needs. I've never used it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:13, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::Can you create an account? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:48, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::Sure, if that's the method you want to use. I'm here to help. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 07:00, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::::What is the name of your account? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:05, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::@koavf:matrix.org —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:05, 27 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::::::{{ping|koavf}} I mean on libera. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:38, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::::Gotcha. I haven't made one yet. I can when I'm free-er. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 12:52, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::::::::When will that be? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:53, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::::::I have a calendar reminder for the following weekend (i.e. not in a few days but a week and a half). —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 12:58, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::::::::::I am wondering if we can do it today instead? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:07, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::::::::I cannot. I have a busy-ish day and a very busy day tomorrow. To the extent that I can screw around on the Internet, it has to be pretty limited. I'm happy to meet at a time that's mutually convenient, of course. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 13:10, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
{{Outdent|::::::::::}}Thank you! When your ready I have a lot to discuss. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:17, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
:Also, when your ready, could you leave a message saying so on my Talk Page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:03, 4 July 2022 (UTC)
::Can do. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:11, 4 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Can you just send me a calendar invite if you need to chat? I'm afraid that it's hard for me to make the time. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:03, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::I am not sure how to do that, do you mean like mentally, or on Wikiquote? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:54, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::Sorry, I meant to my email address: justinkoavf[littleanarchysymbol][google's email service][period]com. If you can't do that or don't want to share your email address with me, then please let me know. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:14, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::I have had my email address removed a long time ago due to abuse, so I can't use my email. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:18, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::You can't email me directly? That's fine. When would you like to chat? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:35, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::When ever you’re ready to implement a lot of stuff. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:38, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Also, which Template de-indents a discussion? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:58, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::{{tl|outdent}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:04, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Do you have any set date that you would be willing to help implement (or at-least begin the implementation of) a lot of features? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:28, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Unfortunately, I'm busy with work and personal things in July, so I've had a hard time setting a time. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 00:34, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::Also, why did you obfuscate your email address? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:24, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::What is &quot;[littleanarchysymbol]&quot;? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:12, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::Obfuscated for bots. [littleanarchysymbol] = &quot;@&quot;. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 00:34, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::I’m confused, what do you mean obfuscated for bots? Also, if it's obfuscated how I am meant to read it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:49, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::So that a bot couldn't harvest it and spam me. You may be able to read it because you can decode things that a bot can't. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:48, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Oh. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:03, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

== Bug fix ==

In [[Special:ListUsers]] &quot;Administrator&quot; is capitalized, on all other wikis (including Wikipedia) it is lower case. Could you please fix this? You could do this by either making it lower case, or by capitalizing all User Rights. (the second option is the one I prefer) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:28, 26 June 2022 (UTC)

:But all of them are upper case now, so at least that's consistent. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:31, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::Oh wait, I see. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:32, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:I think fixing it would require recreating [[MediaWiki:Administrators]] and making it lower-case, but I'm not sure of all the places where it would be changed. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:34, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::I don't see the problem with doing that. Also, if you prefer it capitalized, you could just capitalize all User Groups. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:36, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::Because it may be transcluded other places where it shouldn't be capitalized. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:37, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Well, it's just fine on en.wp. Also, which option do you prefer? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:39, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::I have no strong feelings on this and while I am actually usually very in favor of consistency and proper usage, this one doesn't bother me much. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:29, 26 June 2022 (UTC)

== A question for you ==

If you ever get unblocked from enwiki, will you still regularly contribute here? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:46, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

:For sure. I plan on it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:13, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

== Issue with your archive page ==

A lot of users used &lt;code&gt;&lt;nowiki&gt;{{PAGENAME}}&lt;/nowiki&gt;&lt;/code&gt; instead &lt;code&gt;koavf&lt;/code&gt; on your Talk Page, so when you archived the page it now says &quot;Hi koavf/archive001&quot; instead of just &quot;Hi koavf.&quot; Could you fix this? (I can't since you protected the page) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:05, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

:Sure, thanks. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 00:34, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

== Rollback vote ==

Could you vote [[Wikiquote:Requests for Rollback/Ilovemydoodle|here]]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:51, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

== Protection request ==

Could you protect [[User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive 1|this page]] so only admins can edit? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 09:34, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive 1|This page]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:15, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::Still isn’t done. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:40, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Wait why is the page gone? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:48, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::::It's back. The easiest way to delete dozens of revisions is to delete the entire page and then un-delete the revisions that you want. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:50, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::Ohhhhhhhh. I was really confused why you were deleting the whole page. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:55, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::Koavf, could you do a full cleansing of the page? What I mean is removing all vandal revisions to the very beginning (even those already revdeled), and then also removing the reverts of those revisions as well. Could you do this? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:15, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::That should be most of them. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:20, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Could you also remove the undos of vandalism? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:23, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Nothing even displays: https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive_1&amp;diff=next&amp;oldid=3139360 Is this really necessary? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:25, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::I would like to do it, to reduce clutter and potential for confusion, so, yes. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:32, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::Thank you, Koavf! – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:51, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

== Protected edit request ==

Could you change [[Template:Test4]] to redirect to [[Template:Uw-vandalism4]] to match Wikipedia? Also, to make the progression to 4im make more sense. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:34, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

== Abuse Filter ==

: ''{{ping|Antandrus}} Could you also give your comment on this?''

Could you add the following terms to the Abuse Filter:

* VKKSTUPID (any capitalization)
* VKKSTUPIDITY (any capitalization)
* AANT (any capitalization)
* AANTANDRUS (any capitalization)
* encyclopediadramatica.online (any capitalization)
* g'p (any capitalization)
* g’p (any capitalization)
* encyclopediadr'matica (any capitalization)
* Antandrus david (any capitalization)
* Ilovemycock (any capitalization)
* Ilovemycok (any capitalization)
* Ethandeath (any capitalization)
* Antdeath (any capitalization)
* ANTANDRUS FUCK BUDDY (any capitalization)
* ANTANDRUS FUKBUDDY (any capitalization)
* FUKBUDDY (any capitalization)
* WP:BOYS (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* Chicago Boys (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* Wikidiot (any capitalization)
* Wikiidiot (any capitalization)
* WMFloser (any capitalization)
* Wikiloser (any capitalization)
* Wikipedo (any capitalization)
* Wikipedoa (any capitalization)
* PAVLOL (any capitalization)
* pause for breath (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* HAHAHA (specified capitalization only)
* ANT COCK (any capitalization)
* GLOBLALY (any capitalization)
* da clock (any capitalization)
* archive.is (any capitalization)
* archive.ph (any capitalization)
* ATTAX (any capitalization)
* REMOVETD (any capitalization)
* JAN PAWEŁ (any capitalization)
* WMF squm (any capitalization)
* 'n' (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* WMFhomopedo (any capitalization)
* as proven! (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* ilovemydoodle = (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* G-R-P (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* GLOBAL BAN EVADER (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* ANT-ANDRUS (any capitalization)
* AANT-ANDRUS (any capitalization)
* ILOVEMYDOODLE LOVES (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* a r c h i v e (any capitalization)
* WMFVOMIT (any capitalization)
* WMFCANCER (any capitalization)
* the fodder (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* THANX (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* THX (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* all is saved (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* forever blocked (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* blocked loser (any capitalization)
* fuckbuddy ant (any capitalization)
* fuckbuddy antandrus (any capitalization)
* antandr's (any capitalization)
* HAHAHAHAHA (specified capitalization only)
* PAUSE FOR BREATH (specified capitalization only)
* O YEA (specified capitalization only)
* o yea (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* yea YEA (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* U CANT SLEEP (any capitalization)
* ANT-STN (any capitalization)
* ency'lopediadram'tica (any capitalization)
* GLOBA LOSER (any capitalization)
* GLOBAL LOSER (any capitalization)
* IN YOUR FACES (specified capitalization only)
* in your faces (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* vvkrejects (any capitalization)
* VVK (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* IN YO FACES (any capitalization)
* vvkhypocrite (any capitalization)
* FOFFER (any capitalization)
* real life stalker (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* REAL LIFE STALKER (specified capitalization only)
* DEFYING LOGIC (specified capitalization only)
* FOR WMF (specified capitalization only)
* globally blocked lta (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* GLOBALLY BLOCKED LTA (specified capitalization only)
* WMF RESPECT (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* wikitruth (any capitalization)
* wmf stands for (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* wmf stand for (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* WMF STANDS FOR (specified capitalization only)
* WMF STAND FOR (specified capitalization only)
* I LOVE MY COCK (any capitalization)
* wmf total (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* WMF TOTAL (specified capitalization only)
* fight u (any capitalization)
* ET AL (specified capitalization only)
* zero brains (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* BL*TANT (any capitalization)
* utm*st (any capitalization)
* UTMOST (specified capitalization only)
* Suckpuppet (any capitalization)
* wikihomopedoia (any capitalization)
* ED loser (any capitalization)
* HAHAHAHAHAHA (specified capitalization only)
* AKA (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* VVKLOSER (any capitalization)
– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:46, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

:I've edited the abuse filter before, but I'm not a whiz at it. Note that blocking edits outright based on some of these filters would certainly disrupt standard editing. I feel like this is probably not the best way to stop vandalism and would want to get more consensus from the community. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:52, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
::How about you block the ones that are obviously vandalism entirely. And the potentially good-faith ones could be allowed only for autoconfirmed. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:17, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I'd still want a broader consensus. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:22, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Also, could you protect [[Wikiquote:Village pump archive 60|this page]]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:24, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
:Imagine what GRP would do if when he next logs in Wikiquote using one of his 50 trillion VPNs, and all of his favorite buzzwords get blocked by the Abuse Filter. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:56, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
::Again, please post to the Village Pump to get consensus. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:15, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
:::{{done}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:44, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

== Quick fix needed ==

Could you please create [[MediaWiki:Dot-separator|this page]]? It's needed for a lot of templates on Wikipedia, so when I import them, they don't work. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:04, 11 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:16, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::Question: how do you import revisions? I regularly import templates from Wikipedia, so it would be nice to be able to import the revisions too. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:39, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::[[Special:Import]], if you are an admin. You are not importing, you're just copying and pasting, which is fine as long as you give attribution in the edit summary or the talk page. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:43, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Is there anyway to import '''without''' being an admin? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:45, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::No, just ask an admin to do it. Again, it's fine to completely reproduce any of the content from any WMF project anywhere, it just requires attribution. The problem with copy/paste &quot;importing&quot; is that it may not import all dependencies. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:49, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::Well, I know how to import dependencies, I would just like the ability to import revisions too, as I import hundreds of templates regularly. Also, when copying I often forget to attribute. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:54, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::If you forget, in practice, it's not the biggest deal in the world, but you really should post a note on the talk page saying where it came from and how someone could find attribution at the original source. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:55, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Well, according to [[w:WP:IMPORTS|this]], there is a group for &lt;code&gt;import&lt;/code&gt;, just like &lt;code&gt;rollback&lt;/code&gt;. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:59, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Heads up that it's [[:w:en:Help:Import]] or [[:w:en:WP:IMPORT]]. In theory, we can activate importer and transwiki importers here, but we [[Special:ListUsers/import|don't have any]] and I personally can't do it, as it requires a bureaucrat. Generally, import rights outside of being an admin is rare and reserved for weird circumstances (e.g. a user on en.wp who has access to very old server logs and imports edits from 2001 occasionally). —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:04, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Can I make a request? And, if so, where? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:19, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::You can request import at the admin's noticeboard. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:25, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::{{done}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:40, 11 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

Could please revdel these two revisions? (they are both by the same vandal)
* [[Special:Diff/3140786|1]]
* [[Special:Diff/3140787|2]]
– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:08, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:10, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::Second one too? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:12, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I think you forgot the second one. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:10, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Check again. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:06, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Kim_Il-sung&amp;oldid=3140787 Still there] – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:20, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::Gotcha. I deleted the edit summary. Thanks: hate speech has no place here except in the context of historically meaningful and educational quotations.o —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:33, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::Could you also give feedback to my question on the village pump? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:36, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

== Protection request ==

Could you protect [[User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive 1|this page]] so only admins can edit? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:11, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} I already did that. Now I've done it twice. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:07, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

== Question about the abuse filter ==

Can importing revisions ever trigger the abuse filter? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:19, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

:Probably? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 14:35, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::Which user right (not group) allows you to bypass the abuse filter? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:01, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I don't know anything more than this: [[:mw:Extension:AbuseFilter#User_rights]]. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 15:55, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Who would know more about this? Should I ping Aklapper? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:13, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::Possibly. I think a lot of folks on en.wp would know. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:31, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::I already asked a few hours ago on the help desk, still no response. I also asked on meta, also no response. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:33, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::I got two answers, here: [[m:Special:Diff/23515465|meta]], [[w:Special:Diff/1097930390|wikipedia]]. So the answer (thankfully) appears to be no. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:52, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

== Importer proposal ==

Could you give me feedback on my importer proposal? (not for/against, just about improving the proposal) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:54, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

== &lt;s&gt;Emergency&lt;/s&gt; ==

&lt;s&gt;QOTD missing!&lt;/s&gt; {{done}} by Kalki. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:01, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

== Question about my import proposal ==

Some of the permissions I know for sure are needed, for others I am pretty sure, and a few are just guesses. So, do you know who specifically I could ask about this? This would make sure that ones that are not needed can be removed, and that needed ones that are not listed can be added. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:47, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

:I don't have a recommendation on this, no. It's your proposal: you can make it however you want. You just need to be clear and explain your reasoning. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 11:16, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

== &lt;s&gt;QOTD&lt;/s&gt;==

&lt;s&gt;QOTD is missing!&lt;/s&gt; {{done}} by Kalki. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:22, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Question about my requests to you that could be asked more generally on VP or AN ==

Are you okay with this, or does it bother you? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:32, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

:If the worst thing that happens to me here is that someone is too enthusiastic, that's a good problem to have. I like your edits and interest in helping out. I just want to make sure that any kind of radical changes get larger community support. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:37, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:Contributions/Mr. Dick Pump|These two edits]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:28, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 14:56, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:contribs/2001:E68:6125:E800:9458:3779:9236:6072|Three edit summaries]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:16, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 14:57, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:contribs/2603:6010:c600:a8:40c4:fa43:6b2d:63ac|Three revisions]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:00, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

:&lt;small&gt;([[:w:WP:TPS|talk page stalker]])&lt;/small&gt; {{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, {{done}} but only one revision. The others aren't eligible for revdel. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 20:12, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

== Potential issue with import proposal ==

If the page has already been imported manually and changed since, but the page on the wiki you are importing from has also been changed, then the merge will fail. So is there any kind of right that I could that would let you remove a revision? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:04, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

:Just being an admin. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:02, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
::Does the database keep track of if an edit is imported? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:09, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I'm not certain. From what I've seen, it's seamless. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:49, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
::::I mean in the backend. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:59, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::I'm not sure. I would think so. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 21:13, 16 July 2022 (UTC)

== Online ==

Are you online right now? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:32, 16 July 2022 (UTC)

:I'll have a little availability, but I'm getting sleepy actually--I've been sick lately. :/ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:02, 16 July 2022 (UTC)

== Online ==

Are you still online? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:02, 16 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:Diff/3143353|This]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:53, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:51, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

== Bureaucrat ==

I wanted to nominate you for bureaucrat, but I could not think of enough reasons for a full nomination. Could you nominate yourself? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:22, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{not done}} I'm pretty busy now, so picking up extra responsibility seems like a bad idea. :/ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:51, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
::Later? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:52, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Maybe! —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:59, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:Diff/3121426|This]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:32, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:38, 19 July 2022 (UTC)

== Hounding ==

I have noticed that a particular new editor here seems to be here only in discussion pages, which is fine in my opinion, but they appear to particularly targeting me (voting against various proposals, listing pages for deletion, etc.), and haven't been doing any mainspsce editing or editing in other discussions, does this count as hounding? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:37, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{ping|AC9016}} Do you agree? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:38, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:It could be. I haven't seen this behavior yet. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 15:42, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
::[[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|Here]] – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:44, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I have not observed this behavior either. My time on Wikiquote is overwhelmingly spent on creating and editing pages. --[[User:AC9016|AC9016]] ([[User talk:AC9016|talk]]) 15:57, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I see you posted to his talk, so let's see where that goes. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 15:58, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

== Strikethrough templates ==

Templates what is your opinion on {{t|Ds}}, {{t|Ts}}, and {{t|Qs}}? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:52, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

:It's not obvious to me why these exist. If you need to semantically mark up that something is deleted or struck, then we have those options, so why do we need to visually have a template that strikes something four times? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 07:48, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

== Availability ==

When do you think you could help with the js feature requests previously mentioned? Thanks. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:04, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

:Which one again? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:11, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
::Not specifically one, several small ones over IRC. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:16, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Oh, not anytime soon. Sorry. :/
:::I have work, school, and travel. I am happy to do continued maintenance on projects where I am an admin (e.g. here), but doing anything ambitious is on an indefinite hold. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:18, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Not that big, only small to medium additions. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:22, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

== AN Archives ==

Hello. I noticed that you sysop-protected [[Wikiquote:Administrators' noticeboard/Archive/037]] but this is blocking [[Special:Contribs/MABot|my bot]] from archiving the [[WQ:AN]] as requested. Would you prefer if I start archiving in [[Wikiquote:Administrators' noticeboard/Archive/038]] instead? If this is due to vandalism, an AbuseFilter could be created to avoid subpages of the AN to be editted by anyone but sysops and bots. Regards, --[[User:MarcoAurelio|MarcoAurelio]] ([[User talk:MarcoAurelio|talk]]) 11:10, 28 July 2022 (UTC)

:Maybe your bot can just be an admin? I'm not a bureaucrat, so I can't do it unilaterally, but you're a trusted user, so I don't see that as being a problem. I'll unprotect for now. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 16:30, 28 July 2022 (UTC)
::Thank you. I appreciate your words, but I do not think my bot should have +sysop as it is very dangerous. Bots can, however, edit pages protected up to the autoconfirmed level so if vandalism on that page is an issue you may reprotect it to the &quot;edit: autoconfirmed&quot; level and my bot won't have troubles with bypassing that restriction. Regards, --[[User:MarcoAurelio|MarcoAurelio]] ([[User talk:MarcoAurelio|talk]]) 10:45, 29 July 2022 (UTC)

== Hello ==

I would like to inform you that I have returned here after three weeks.

I mainly left due to the large-scale deletion of my templates and modules, most of which was unjustified. I would like to have these undeleted so the issues with templates can be properly addressed, rather than just deleting them. I would like to start by having these templates undeleted:
* [[Template:T]]
* [[Template:Blockedreason]]
* [[Template:Removed]] (and [[Template:Vote removed]])
Do you think you help with this? And, if so, could you add some-sort-of messaging saying that it is currently being worked-on and should ''not'' be immediately re-VfD'd? Thanks. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:44, 11 August 2022 (UTC)

:Welcome. I would recommend starting with the admins who deleted them and see if they think for some reason there was an error or something was deleted out of process. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:50, 11 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>1yqtvy3mk8997ypyrek3beuyqfmj0jg</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153611</id>
      <parentid>3153609</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T17:52:50Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ilovemydoodle</username>
        <id>3120156</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Hello */ Reply</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="73450" xml:space="preserve">{{User talk:Koavf/Template:Archive}}
&lt;!-- Please leave comments below this line. --&gt;

== Template:Username ==

Could you please make [[Template:Username]] show the User’s name? I need it for several Templates. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:19, 12 June 2022 (UTC)

:What do you have in mind? Does {{tl|Ping}} not work? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:53, 12 June 2022 (UTC)
::I mean the user viewing it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:56, 12 June 2022 (UTC)
:::{{ping|Kalki}} [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:12, 13 June 2022 (UTC)
:::{{ping|koavf}}
::::I have no idea what you need. What would the template do? How would you use it? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:42, 13 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::A template that displays the username or IP address of the user viewing it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:49, 13 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::Do you have an example on another wiki that does this? I recalled that there was a magic word for this, but I can't seem to find it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:45, 13 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::No, but this is still a very useful *potential* feature. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:45, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

== Request to add Editnotice ==

Could you add [[User:Ilovemydoodle/FakeBlockMessage|this]] Editnotice to my User and User Talk pages? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:38, 15 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} Are you sure you want that message? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:39, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::Yes. Thank you, you are the best admin. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:52, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::Also, it isn't showing up, could you fix this?

::Edit: I think you need to create the page [[Mediawiki:Editnotice-2-Ilovemydoodle|here]] (and [[Mediawiki:Editnotice-3-Ilovemydoodle|here]] for the Talk Page) for it to actually work. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:54, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::That doesn't seem to have done the trick. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:02, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Maybe try some test text instead? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:04, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::I can. Seems like your hack should work, per [[mw:Manual:Interface/Edit notice]], tho. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:05, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::Maybe file a phab report? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:07, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::I fixed it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:12, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Could you also protect the page so only I and Administrators can edit it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:50, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::No, there's no way to do that, other than by manually blocking that one page from every user who isn't an admin or you. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:53, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:
{| style=&quot;border: 1px solid gray; background-color: #fdffe7;&quot;
|rowspan=&quot;2&quot; style=&quot;vertical-align:middle;&quot; | [[File:SpecialBarnstar.png|100px]]
|rowspan=&quot;2&quot; |
|style=&quot;font-size: x-large; padding: 0; vertical-align: middle; height: 1.1em;&quot; | '''The Special Barnstar'''
|-
|style=&quot;vertical-align: middle; border-top: 1px solid gray;&quot; | For actually doing this, I think most other Administrators take themselves to far too seriously to do something like this.
|} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:29, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

:Thanks kindly. I'm here to serve. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:35, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

== Merge fork ==

Could you merge my fork of [[Joe Biden]] into the main page (revisions included)? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:59, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

:Probably, but you have to meet me half-way here and link to said fork. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:03, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::[[User:Ilovemydoodle/forks/Main/Joe Biden]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:05, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::&quot;No revisions can be merged.&quot; —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:09, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Why? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:16, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::¯\_(ツ)_/¯ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:17, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::Try now. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:19, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::&quot;No revisions can be merged.&quot; —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:35, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Maybe try importing them instead? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:37, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::How? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:37, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Okay I figured it, this might sound strange, but it should work, merge [[Joe Biden]] into my fork, delete the original [[Joe Biden]] page and then move my fork to [[Joe Biden]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:49, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::&quot;Source revisions overlap or come after destination revisions.&quot; You should just edit the main article. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:00, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::{{done}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:04, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::Also, do you have any work for me to do on Wikiquote? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:05, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::Wow, great question. I think the best thing that can happen here is if someone helps to bring more [[m:Structured Wikiquote|structure and semantics to Wikiquote]]. On a structural level, that is beyond any one person fixing, but anyone can add templates, metadata, etc. E.g. if you cite a source, include a citation template or use proper list semantics, such as not putting line breaks between bullets in a list. That and adding accessibility features like [[:w:en:WP:ALT|alt text]] are important issues to me. Thanks for asking and for all you do around here. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:50, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::I have been doing some of these things for while now, I will continue to do so also doing the other things you mentioned, but I was mainly looking for one or two shorter tasks to do now. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:10, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::Hi {{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, in terms of work to do on Wikiquote:
*[[:Category:Wikiquote no intro]] need intros
*[[:Category:Video games]]' contents needs sorting into categories by year
*[[:Category:Wikiquote cleanup]] has hundreds of articles needing cleanup
*[[Flooding]] could potentially be an article rather than redirect, not 100 percent sure though, depends on quotability.
*There are many entire countries with no article yet. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 16:46, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::Also thank you again Koavf for the admin/maintenance work. I hope we get to see you back at enwiki eventually. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 19:21, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::Thanks, RC! —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:46, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::No worries. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 19:51, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

== Feature ==

Help, I really needed a feature added that lets a Template tell which skin your using. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:58, 19 June 2022 (UTC)

:Wow, I have no idea how to do that. You want to be a thrid party that knows which skin someone is using? I'm not sure that is an option. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:09, 19 June 2022 (UTC)
::I really need it, apparently the background of my talk page break certain features, but only on one skin, and after fixing now it only works on that skin and doesn't work on others, so I really need this fixed, maybe something using css files? 

::Edit: I figured it out, just add some css to the css file for each skin:

::* [[Mediawiki:vector.css]]
::* [[Mediawiki:vector-2022.css]]
::* [[Mediawiki:minerva.css]]
::* [[Mediawiki:monobook.css]]
::* [[Mediawiki:timeless.css]]

::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:55, 19 June 2022 (UTC)
:::{{ping|koavf}} [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:23, 20 June 2022 (UTC)
::::I'm confused why you're pinging me. You just wrote, &quot;I figured it out&quot;, so I thought there was no action for me here. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:35, 20 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::No, I meant that I figured out how YOU can fix it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:52, 20 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::What do you want me to insert in the CSS files? I'm reluctant to do this as it will modify the site for all users, but I'm not entirely opposed. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:03, 20 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::Just make it you have something that only appears when that skin is active.

:::::::Edit: You can do this by making something invisible in common.css and then setting it visible in the skin’s css file. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:05, 20 June 2022 (UTC)

== Feature request ==

Could you make a very useful JavaScript hack for me? Ping me when your ready and I'll give you more information. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 16:21, 23 June 2022 (UTC)

:I'm putting something on my calendar for next weekend--I'm busy this weekend. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:42, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
::Could you please do the other request above, though? (I really need it for something) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:44, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
:::All of them exist except one. I'll add a comment to it and then I suppose that resolves it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:53, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
::::No I mean in each file could you put:
::::&lt;code&gt;span.show-[skin name here] {display: initial;}&lt;/code&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;code&gt;span.hide-[skin name here] {display: none;}&lt;/code&gt;
::::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:00, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::No, I'm not sure what that will do. I'm trying to think of how that would appear in CSS and that seems like it would not display the user preferences. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 21:01, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::Well, you just add this code to common.css for each skin:
::::::&lt;code&gt;span.show-[skin name here] {display: none;}&lt;/code&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;code&gt;span.hide-[skin name here] {display: initial;}&lt;/code&gt;
::::::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:03, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::I'm reluctant to do that becuase of the concerns above. Do you have an example wiki where someone did this? I don't want to tinker with site-wide CSS without a really good reason. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 21:04, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Well, I can't think of any other wiki, but this IS quite important. On my user page I implemented a feature that perfectly well for me, but another user informed me that it didn't work in one skin, so I made one for that skin, but it only worked in that skin, so I need some code to differentiate between skins. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:10, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Could please give me more information about this? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:08, 25 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::If I edit site-wide CSS, that will impact all users with a given skin. So I want to be very conservative about doing that and I don't want to even experiment, lest I mess up someone's view of the site. If you have examples of other wikis doing this or can justify why you need it done with some clarity, then maybe I can help you. Better yet woudl be community consensus. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:15, 25 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::Basically, I want a feature where I can create a span with the class &quot;[Skin Name Here]-show&quot; and it will only show it for users viewing in that skin, there would also be a &quot;[Skin Name Here]-hide&quot; which would do the reverse. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:24, 25 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::And I need to have a greater justification than just your personal preference before I tinker with site-wide CSS. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:44, 25 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::A lot of Templates need different code for each skin to display properly. Also, I don't see any harm in adding this. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:46, 25 June 2022 (UTC)

== Response time ==

Is there anyway to have a discussion in real-time? I would like to have several long discussions about feature requests, but that's not really doable if it takes days between each comment. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:23, 26 June 2022 (UTC)

:I have really only used Gchat (or whatever it's called now) for IMing, but sure. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:31, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::What is Gchat? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:32, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::Google's IMing, associated with Gmail. Again, it's been called a million things. Hangouts now? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:33, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Any WMF way of live chat? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:33, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::I think Matrix: [[m:matrix]]. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:38, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::I keep hearing about &quot;libera chat&quot;, is it what I want? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:40, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::Correct. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:29, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::So, could you explain what it is and how to do what I am requesting with it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:31, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::I've never used it. I just know that it's the replacement for IRC (which I very rarely used). —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:47, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::What’s IRC again? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:52, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::{{w|Internet Relay Chat}}, which was more-or-less popular as a group chat option for decades and the best server for it, {{w|Freenode}} was bought by a jerk, so everyone jumped ship to Libera. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:06, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::How does libera work? Would it be good for what I want? And, do you have an account there? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:08, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::It's a good chat service, as I understand it and would meet your needs. I've never used it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:13, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::Can you create an account? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:48, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::Sure, if that's the method you want to use. I'm here to help. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 07:00, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::::What is the name of your account? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:05, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::@koavf:matrix.org —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:05, 27 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::::::{{ping|koavf}} I mean on libera. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:38, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::::Gotcha. I haven't made one yet. I can when I'm free-er. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 12:52, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::::::::When will that be? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:53, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::::::I have a calendar reminder for the following weekend (i.e. not in a few days but a week and a half). —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 12:58, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::::::::::I am wondering if we can do it today instead? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:07, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::::::::I cannot. I have a busy-ish day and a very busy day tomorrow. To the extent that I can screw around on the Internet, it has to be pretty limited. I'm happy to meet at a time that's mutually convenient, of course. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 13:10, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
{{Outdent|::::::::::}}Thank you! When your ready I have a lot to discuss. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:17, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
:Also, when your ready, could you leave a message saying so on my Talk Page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:03, 4 July 2022 (UTC)
::Can do. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:11, 4 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Can you just send me a calendar invite if you need to chat? I'm afraid that it's hard for me to make the time. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:03, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::I am not sure how to do that, do you mean like mentally, or on Wikiquote? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:54, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::Sorry, I meant to my email address: justinkoavf[littleanarchysymbol][google's email service][period]com. If you can't do that or don't want to share your email address with me, then please let me know. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:14, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::I have had my email address removed a long time ago due to abuse, so I can't use my email. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:18, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::You can't email me directly? That's fine. When would you like to chat? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:35, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::When ever you’re ready to implement a lot of stuff. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:38, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Also, which Template de-indents a discussion? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:58, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::{{tl|outdent}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:04, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Do you have any set date that you would be willing to help implement (or at-least begin the implementation of) a lot of features? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:28, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Unfortunately, I'm busy with work and personal things in July, so I've had a hard time setting a time. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 00:34, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::Also, why did you obfuscate your email address? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:24, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::What is &quot;[littleanarchysymbol]&quot;? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:12, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::Obfuscated for bots. [littleanarchysymbol] = &quot;@&quot;. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 00:34, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::I’m confused, what do you mean obfuscated for bots? Also, if it's obfuscated how I am meant to read it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:49, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::So that a bot couldn't harvest it and spam me. You may be able to read it because you can decode things that a bot can't. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:48, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Oh. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:03, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

== Bug fix ==

In [[Special:ListUsers]] &quot;Administrator&quot; is capitalized, on all other wikis (including Wikipedia) it is lower case. Could you please fix this? You could do this by either making it lower case, or by capitalizing all User Rights. (the second option is the one I prefer) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:28, 26 June 2022 (UTC)

:But all of them are upper case now, so at least that's consistent. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:31, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::Oh wait, I see. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:32, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:I think fixing it would require recreating [[MediaWiki:Administrators]] and making it lower-case, but I'm not sure of all the places where it would be changed. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:34, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::I don't see the problem with doing that. Also, if you prefer it capitalized, you could just capitalize all User Groups. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:36, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::Because it may be transcluded other places where it shouldn't be capitalized. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:37, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Well, it's just fine on en.wp. Also, which option do you prefer? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:39, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::I have no strong feelings on this and while I am actually usually very in favor of consistency and proper usage, this one doesn't bother me much. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:29, 26 June 2022 (UTC)

== A question for you ==

If you ever get unblocked from enwiki, will you still regularly contribute here? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:46, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

:For sure. I plan on it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:13, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

== Issue with your archive page ==

A lot of users used &lt;code&gt;&lt;nowiki&gt;{{PAGENAME}}&lt;/nowiki&gt;&lt;/code&gt; instead &lt;code&gt;koavf&lt;/code&gt; on your Talk Page, so when you archived the page it now says &quot;Hi koavf/archive001&quot; instead of just &quot;Hi koavf.&quot; Could you fix this? (I can't since you protected the page) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:05, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

:Sure, thanks. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 00:34, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

== Rollback vote ==

Could you vote [[Wikiquote:Requests for Rollback/Ilovemydoodle|here]]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:51, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

== Protection request ==

Could you protect [[User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive 1|this page]] so only admins can edit? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 09:34, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive 1|This page]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:15, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::Still isn’t done. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:40, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Wait why is the page gone? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:48, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::::It's back. The easiest way to delete dozens of revisions is to delete the entire page and then un-delete the revisions that you want. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:50, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::Ohhhhhhhh. I was really confused why you were deleting the whole page. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:55, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::Koavf, could you do a full cleansing of the page? What I mean is removing all vandal revisions to the very beginning (even those already revdeled), and then also removing the reverts of those revisions as well. Could you do this? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:15, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::That should be most of them. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:20, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Could you also remove the undos of vandalism? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:23, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Nothing even displays: https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive_1&amp;diff=next&amp;oldid=3139360 Is this really necessary? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:25, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::I would like to do it, to reduce clutter and potential for confusion, so, yes. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:32, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::Thank you, Koavf! – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:51, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

== Protected edit request ==

Could you change [[Template:Test4]] to redirect to [[Template:Uw-vandalism4]] to match Wikipedia? Also, to make the progression to 4im make more sense. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:34, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

== Abuse Filter ==

: ''{{ping|Antandrus}} Could you also give your comment on this?''

Could you add the following terms to the Abuse Filter:

* VKKSTUPID (any capitalization)
* VKKSTUPIDITY (any capitalization)
* AANT (any capitalization)
* AANTANDRUS (any capitalization)
* encyclopediadramatica.online (any capitalization)
* g'p (any capitalization)
* g’p (any capitalization)
* encyclopediadr'matica (any capitalization)
* Antandrus david (any capitalization)
* Ilovemycock (any capitalization)
* Ilovemycok (any capitalization)
* Ethandeath (any capitalization)
* Antdeath (any capitalization)
* ANTANDRUS FUCK BUDDY (any capitalization)
* ANTANDRUS FUKBUDDY (any capitalization)
* FUKBUDDY (any capitalization)
* WP:BOYS (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* Chicago Boys (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* Wikidiot (any capitalization)
* Wikiidiot (any capitalization)
* WMFloser (any capitalization)
* Wikiloser (any capitalization)
* Wikipedo (any capitalization)
* Wikipedoa (any capitalization)
* PAVLOL (any capitalization)
* pause for breath (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* HAHAHA (specified capitalization only)
* ANT COCK (any capitalization)
* GLOBLALY (any capitalization)
* da clock (any capitalization)
* archive.is (any capitalization)
* archive.ph (any capitalization)
* ATTAX (any capitalization)
* REMOVETD (any capitalization)
* JAN PAWEŁ (any capitalization)
* WMF squm (any capitalization)
* 'n' (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* WMFhomopedo (any capitalization)
* as proven! (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* ilovemydoodle = (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* G-R-P (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* GLOBAL BAN EVADER (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* ANT-ANDRUS (any capitalization)
* AANT-ANDRUS (any capitalization)
* ILOVEMYDOODLE LOVES (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* a r c h i v e (any capitalization)
* WMFVOMIT (any capitalization)
* WMFCANCER (any capitalization)
* the fodder (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* THANX (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* THX (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* all is saved (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* forever blocked (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* blocked loser (any capitalization)
* fuckbuddy ant (any capitalization)
* fuckbuddy antandrus (any capitalization)
* antandr's (any capitalization)
* HAHAHAHAHA (specified capitalization only)
* PAUSE FOR BREATH (specified capitalization only)
* O YEA (specified capitalization only)
* o yea (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* yea YEA (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* U CANT SLEEP (any capitalization)
* ANT-STN (any capitalization)
* ency'lopediadram'tica (any capitalization)
* GLOBA LOSER (any capitalization)
* GLOBAL LOSER (any capitalization)
* IN YOUR FACES (specified capitalization only)
* in your faces (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* vvkrejects (any capitalization)
* VVK (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* IN YO FACES (any capitalization)
* vvkhypocrite (any capitalization)
* FOFFER (any capitalization)
* real life stalker (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* REAL LIFE STALKER (specified capitalization only)
* DEFYING LOGIC (specified capitalization only)
* FOR WMF (specified capitalization only)
* globally blocked lta (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* GLOBALLY BLOCKED LTA (specified capitalization only)
* WMF RESPECT (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* wikitruth (any capitalization)
* wmf stands for (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* wmf stand for (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* WMF STANDS FOR (specified capitalization only)
* WMF STAND FOR (specified capitalization only)
* I LOVE MY COCK (any capitalization)
* wmf total (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* WMF TOTAL (specified capitalization only)
* fight u (any capitalization)
* ET AL (specified capitalization only)
* zero brains (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* BL*TANT (any capitalization)
* utm*st (any capitalization)
* UTMOST (specified capitalization only)
* Suckpuppet (any capitalization)
* wikihomopedoia (any capitalization)
* ED loser (any capitalization)
* HAHAHAHAHAHA (specified capitalization only)
* AKA (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* VVKLOSER (any capitalization)
– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:46, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

:I've edited the abuse filter before, but I'm not a whiz at it. Note that blocking edits outright based on some of these filters would certainly disrupt standard editing. I feel like this is probably not the best way to stop vandalism and would want to get more consensus from the community. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:52, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
::How about you block the ones that are obviously vandalism entirely. And the potentially good-faith ones could be allowed only for autoconfirmed. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:17, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I'd still want a broader consensus. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:22, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Also, could you protect [[Wikiquote:Village pump archive 60|this page]]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:24, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
:Imagine what GRP would do if when he next logs in Wikiquote using one of his 50 trillion VPNs, and all of his favorite buzzwords get blocked by the Abuse Filter. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:56, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
::Again, please post to the Village Pump to get consensus. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:15, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
:::{{done}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:44, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

== Quick fix needed ==

Could you please create [[MediaWiki:Dot-separator|this page]]? It's needed for a lot of templates on Wikipedia, so when I import them, they don't work. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:04, 11 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:16, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::Question: how do you import revisions? I regularly import templates from Wikipedia, so it would be nice to be able to import the revisions too. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:39, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::[[Special:Import]], if you are an admin. You are not importing, you're just copying and pasting, which is fine as long as you give attribution in the edit summary or the talk page. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:43, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Is there anyway to import '''without''' being an admin? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:45, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::No, just ask an admin to do it. Again, it's fine to completely reproduce any of the content from any WMF project anywhere, it just requires attribution. The problem with copy/paste &quot;importing&quot; is that it may not import all dependencies. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:49, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::Well, I know how to import dependencies, I would just like the ability to import revisions too, as I import hundreds of templates regularly. Also, when copying I often forget to attribute. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:54, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::If you forget, in practice, it's not the biggest deal in the world, but you really should post a note on the talk page saying where it came from and how someone could find attribution at the original source. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:55, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Well, according to [[w:WP:IMPORTS|this]], there is a group for &lt;code&gt;import&lt;/code&gt;, just like &lt;code&gt;rollback&lt;/code&gt;. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:59, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Heads up that it's [[:w:en:Help:Import]] or [[:w:en:WP:IMPORT]]. In theory, we can activate importer and transwiki importers here, but we [[Special:ListUsers/import|don't have any]] and I personally can't do it, as it requires a bureaucrat. Generally, import rights outside of being an admin is rare and reserved for weird circumstances (e.g. a user on en.wp who has access to very old server logs and imports edits from 2001 occasionally). —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:04, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Can I make a request? And, if so, where? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:19, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::You can request import at the admin's noticeboard. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:25, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::{{done}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:40, 11 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

Could please revdel these two revisions? (they are both by the same vandal)
* [[Special:Diff/3140786|1]]
* [[Special:Diff/3140787|2]]
– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:08, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:10, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::Second one too? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:12, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I think you forgot the second one. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:10, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Check again. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:06, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Kim_Il-sung&amp;oldid=3140787 Still there] – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:20, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::Gotcha. I deleted the edit summary. Thanks: hate speech has no place here except in the context of historically meaningful and educational quotations.o —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:33, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::Could you also give feedback to my question on the village pump? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:36, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

== Protection request ==

Could you protect [[User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive 1|this page]] so only admins can edit? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:11, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} I already did that. Now I've done it twice. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:07, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

== Question about the abuse filter ==

Can importing revisions ever trigger the abuse filter? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:19, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

:Probably? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 14:35, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::Which user right (not group) allows you to bypass the abuse filter? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:01, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I don't know anything more than this: [[:mw:Extension:AbuseFilter#User_rights]]. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 15:55, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Who would know more about this? Should I ping Aklapper? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:13, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::Possibly. I think a lot of folks on en.wp would know. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:31, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::I already asked a few hours ago on the help desk, still no response. I also asked on meta, also no response. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:33, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::I got two answers, here: [[m:Special:Diff/23515465|meta]], [[w:Special:Diff/1097930390|wikipedia]]. So the answer (thankfully) appears to be no. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:52, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

== Importer proposal ==

Could you give me feedback on my importer proposal? (not for/against, just about improving the proposal) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:54, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

== &lt;s&gt;Emergency&lt;/s&gt; ==

&lt;s&gt;QOTD missing!&lt;/s&gt; {{done}} by Kalki. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:01, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

== Question about my import proposal ==

Some of the permissions I know for sure are needed, for others I am pretty sure, and a few are just guesses. So, do you know who specifically I could ask about this? This would make sure that ones that are not needed can be removed, and that needed ones that are not listed can be added. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:47, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

:I don't have a recommendation on this, no. It's your proposal: you can make it however you want. You just need to be clear and explain your reasoning. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 11:16, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

== &lt;s&gt;QOTD&lt;/s&gt;==

&lt;s&gt;QOTD is missing!&lt;/s&gt; {{done}} by Kalki. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:22, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Question about my requests to you that could be asked more generally on VP or AN ==

Are you okay with this, or does it bother you? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:32, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

:If the worst thing that happens to me here is that someone is too enthusiastic, that's a good problem to have. I like your edits and interest in helping out. I just want to make sure that any kind of radical changes get larger community support. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:37, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:Contributions/Mr. Dick Pump|These two edits]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:28, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 14:56, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:contribs/2001:E68:6125:E800:9458:3779:9236:6072|Three edit summaries]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:16, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 14:57, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:contribs/2603:6010:c600:a8:40c4:fa43:6b2d:63ac|Three revisions]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:00, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

:&lt;small&gt;([[:w:WP:TPS|talk page stalker]])&lt;/small&gt; {{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, {{done}} but only one revision. The others aren't eligible for revdel. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 20:12, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

== Potential issue with import proposal ==

If the page has already been imported manually and changed since, but the page on the wiki you are importing from has also been changed, then the merge will fail. So is there any kind of right that I could that would let you remove a revision? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:04, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

:Just being an admin. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:02, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
::Does the database keep track of if an edit is imported? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:09, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I'm not certain. From what I've seen, it's seamless. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:49, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
::::I mean in the backend. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:59, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::I'm not sure. I would think so. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 21:13, 16 July 2022 (UTC)

== Online ==

Are you online right now? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:32, 16 July 2022 (UTC)

:I'll have a little availability, but I'm getting sleepy actually--I've been sick lately. :/ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:02, 16 July 2022 (UTC)

== Online ==

Are you still online? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:02, 16 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:Diff/3143353|This]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:53, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:51, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

== Bureaucrat ==

I wanted to nominate you for bureaucrat, but I could not think of enough reasons for a full nomination. Could you nominate yourself? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:22, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{not done}} I'm pretty busy now, so picking up extra responsibility seems like a bad idea. :/ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:51, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
::Later? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:52, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Maybe! —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:59, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:Diff/3121426|This]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:32, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:38, 19 July 2022 (UTC)

== Hounding ==

I have noticed that a particular new editor here seems to be here only in discussion pages, which is fine in my opinion, but they appear to particularly targeting me (voting against various proposals, listing pages for deletion, etc.), and haven't been doing any mainspsce editing or editing in other discussions, does this count as hounding? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:37, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{ping|AC9016}} Do you agree? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:38, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:It could be. I haven't seen this behavior yet. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 15:42, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
::[[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|Here]] – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:44, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I have not observed this behavior either. My time on Wikiquote is overwhelmingly spent on creating and editing pages. --[[User:AC9016|AC9016]] ([[User talk:AC9016|talk]]) 15:57, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I see you posted to his talk, so let's see where that goes. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 15:58, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

== Strikethrough templates ==

Templates what is your opinion on {{t|Ds}}, {{t|Ts}}, and {{t|Qs}}? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:52, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

:It's not obvious to me why these exist. If you need to semantically mark up that something is deleted or struck, then we have those options, so why do we need to visually have a template that strikes something four times? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 07:48, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

== Availability ==

When do you think you could help with the js feature requests previously mentioned? Thanks. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:04, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

:Which one again? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:11, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
::Not specifically one, several small ones over IRC. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:16, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Oh, not anytime soon. Sorry. :/
:::I have work, school, and travel. I am happy to do continued maintenance on projects where I am an admin (e.g. here), but doing anything ambitious is on an indefinite hold. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:18, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Not that big, only small to medium additions. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:22, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

== AN Archives ==

Hello. I noticed that you sysop-protected [[Wikiquote:Administrators' noticeboard/Archive/037]] but this is blocking [[Special:Contribs/MABot|my bot]] from archiving the [[WQ:AN]] as requested. Would you prefer if I start archiving in [[Wikiquote:Administrators' noticeboard/Archive/038]] instead? If this is due to vandalism, an AbuseFilter could be created to avoid subpages of the AN to be editted by anyone but sysops and bots. Regards, --[[User:MarcoAurelio|MarcoAurelio]] ([[User talk:MarcoAurelio|talk]]) 11:10, 28 July 2022 (UTC)

:Maybe your bot can just be an admin? I'm not a bureaucrat, so I can't do it unilaterally, but you're a trusted user, so I don't see that as being a problem. I'll unprotect for now. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 16:30, 28 July 2022 (UTC)
::Thank you. I appreciate your words, but I do not think my bot should have +sysop as it is very dangerous. Bots can, however, edit pages protected up to the autoconfirmed level so if vandalism on that page is an issue you may reprotect it to the &quot;edit: autoconfirmed&quot; level and my bot won't have troubles with bypassing that restriction. Regards, --[[User:MarcoAurelio|MarcoAurelio]] ([[User talk:MarcoAurelio|talk]]) 10:45, 29 July 2022 (UTC)

== Hello ==

I would like to inform you that I have returned here after three weeks.

I mainly left due to the large-scale deletion of my templates and modules, most of which was unjustified. I would like to have these undeleted so the issues with templates can be properly addressed, rather than just deleting them. I would like to start by having these templates undeleted:
* [[Template:T]]
* [[Template:Blockedreason]]
* [[Template:Removed]] (and [[Template:Vote removed]])
Do you think you help with this? And, if so, could you add some-sort-of messaging saying that it is currently being worked-on and should ''not'' be immediately re-VfD'd? Thanks. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:44, 11 August 2022 (UTC)

:Welcome. I would recommend starting with the admins who deleted them and see if they think for some reason there was an error or something was deleted out of process. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:50, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
::I am not saying that is out of error, I just think that I can ''easily'' fix the issues that were given as the reason for deletion. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:52, 11 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>jozj8i8qc9wme04r3brna70769jwpzf</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153614</id>
      <parentid>3153611</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T17:53:33Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ilovemydoodle</username>
        <id>3120156</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Hello */ Reply</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="73685" xml:space="preserve">{{User talk:Koavf/Template:Archive}}
&lt;!-- Please leave comments below this line. --&gt;

== Template:Username ==

Could you please make [[Template:Username]] show the User’s name? I need it for several Templates. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:19, 12 June 2022 (UTC)

:What do you have in mind? Does {{tl|Ping}} not work? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:53, 12 June 2022 (UTC)
::I mean the user viewing it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:56, 12 June 2022 (UTC)
:::{{ping|Kalki}} [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:12, 13 June 2022 (UTC)
:::{{ping|koavf}}
::::I have no idea what you need. What would the template do? How would you use it? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:42, 13 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::A template that displays the username or IP address of the user viewing it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:49, 13 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::Do you have an example on another wiki that does this? I recalled that there was a magic word for this, but I can't seem to find it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:45, 13 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::No, but this is still a very useful *potential* feature. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:45, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

== Request to add Editnotice ==

Could you add [[User:Ilovemydoodle/FakeBlockMessage|this]] Editnotice to my User and User Talk pages? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:38, 15 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} Are you sure you want that message? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:39, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::Yes. Thank you, you are the best admin. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:52, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::Also, it isn't showing up, could you fix this?

::Edit: I think you need to create the page [[Mediawiki:Editnotice-2-Ilovemydoodle|here]] (and [[Mediawiki:Editnotice-3-Ilovemydoodle|here]] for the Talk Page) for it to actually work. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:54, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::That doesn't seem to have done the trick. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:02, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Maybe try some test text instead? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:04, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::I can. Seems like your hack should work, per [[mw:Manual:Interface/Edit notice]], tho. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:05, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::Maybe file a phab report? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:07, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::I fixed it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:12, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Could you also protect the page so only I and Administrators can edit it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:50, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::No, there's no way to do that, other than by manually blocking that one page from every user who isn't an admin or you. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:53, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:
{| style=&quot;border: 1px solid gray; background-color: #fdffe7;&quot;
|rowspan=&quot;2&quot; style=&quot;vertical-align:middle;&quot; | [[File:SpecialBarnstar.png|100px]]
|rowspan=&quot;2&quot; |
|style=&quot;font-size: x-large; padding: 0; vertical-align: middle; height: 1.1em;&quot; | '''The Special Barnstar'''
|-
|style=&quot;vertical-align: middle; border-top: 1px solid gray;&quot; | For actually doing this, I think most other Administrators take themselves to far too seriously to do something like this.
|} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:29, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

:Thanks kindly. I'm here to serve. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:35, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

== Merge fork ==

Could you merge my fork of [[Joe Biden]] into the main page (revisions included)? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:59, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

:Probably, but you have to meet me half-way here and link to said fork. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:03, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::[[User:Ilovemydoodle/forks/Main/Joe Biden]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:05, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::&quot;No revisions can be merged.&quot; —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:09, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Why? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:16, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::¯\_(ツ)_/¯ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:17, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::Try now. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:19, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::&quot;No revisions can be merged.&quot; —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:35, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Maybe try importing them instead? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:37, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::How? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:37, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Okay I figured it, this might sound strange, but it should work, merge [[Joe Biden]] into my fork, delete the original [[Joe Biden]] page and then move my fork to [[Joe Biden]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:49, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::&quot;Source revisions overlap or come after destination revisions.&quot; You should just edit the main article. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:00, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::{{done}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:04, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::Also, do you have any work for me to do on Wikiquote? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:05, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::Wow, great question. I think the best thing that can happen here is if someone helps to bring more [[m:Structured Wikiquote|structure and semantics to Wikiquote]]. On a structural level, that is beyond any one person fixing, but anyone can add templates, metadata, etc. E.g. if you cite a source, include a citation template or use proper list semantics, such as not putting line breaks between bullets in a list. That and adding accessibility features like [[:w:en:WP:ALT|alt text]] are important issues to me. Thanks for asking and for all you do around here. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:50, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::I have been doing some of these things for while now, I will continue to do so also doing the other things you mentioned, but I was mainly looking for one or two shorter tasks to do now. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:10, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::Hi {{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, in terms of work to do on Wikiquote:
*[[:Category:Wikiquote no intro]] need intros
*[[:Category:Video games]]' contents needs sorting into categories by year
*[[:Category:Wikiquote cleanup]] has hundreds of articles needing cleanup
*[[Flooding]] could potentially be an article rather than redirect, not 100 percent sure though, depends on quotability.
*There are many entire countries with no article yet. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 16:46, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::Also thank you again Koavf for the admin/maintenance work. I hope we get to see you back at enwiki eventually. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 19:21, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::Thanks, RC! —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:46, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::No worries. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 19:51, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

== Feature ==

Help, I really needed a feature added that lets a Template tell which skin your using. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:58, 19 June 2022 (UTC)

:Wow, I have no idea how to do that. You want to be a thrid party that knows which skin someone is using? I'm not sure that is an option. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:09, 19 June 2022 (UTC)
::I really need it, apparently the background of my talk page break certain features, but only on one skin, and after fixing now it only works on that skin and doesn't work on others, so I really need this fixed, maybe something using css files? 

::Edit: I figured it out, just add some css to the css file for each skin:

::* [[Mediawiki:vector.css]]
::* [[Mediawiki:vector-2022.css]]
::* [[Mediawiki:minerva.css]]
::* [[Mediawiki:monobook.css]]
::* [[Mediawiki:timeless.css]]

::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:55, 19 June 2022 (UTC)
:::{{ping|koavf}} [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:23, 20 June 2022 (UTC)
::::I'm confused why you're pinging me. You just wrote, &quot;I figured it out&quot;, so I thought there was no action for me here. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:35, 20 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::No, I meant that I figured out how YOU can fix it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:52, 20 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::What do you want me to insert in the CSS files? I'm reluctant to do this as it will modify the site for all users, but I'm not entirely opposed. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:03, 20 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::Just make it you have something that only appears when that skin is active.

:::::::Edit: You can do this by making something invisible in common.css and then setting it visible in the skin’s css file. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:05, 20 June 2022 (UTC)

== Feature request ==

Could you make a very useful JavaScript hack for me? Ping me when your ready and I'll give you more information. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 16:21, 23 June 2022 (UTC)

:I'm putting something on my calendar for next weekend--I'm busy this weekend. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:42, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
::Could you please do the other request above, though? (I really need it for something) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:44, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
:::All of them exist except one. I'll add a comment to it and then I suppose that resolves it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:53, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
::::No I mean in each file could you put:
::::&lt;code&gt;span.show-[skin name here] {display: initial;}&lt;/code&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;code&gt;span.hide-[skin name here] {display: none;}&lt;/code&gt;
::::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:00, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::No, I'm not sure what that will do. I'm trying to think of how that would appear in CSS and that seems like it would not display the user preferences. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 21:01, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::Well, you just add this code to common.css for each skin:
::::::&lt;code&gt;span.show-[skin name here] {display: none;}&lt;/code&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;code&gt;span.hide-[skin name here] {display: initial;}&lt;/code&gt;
::::::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:03, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::I'm reluctant to do that becuase of the concerns above. Do you have an example wiki where someone did this? I don't want to tinker with site-wide CSS without a really good reason. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 21:04, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Well, I can't think of any other wiki, but this IS quite important. On my user page I implemented a feature that perfectly well for me, but another user informed me that it didn't work in one skin, so I made one for that skin, but it only worked in that skin, so I need some code to differentiate between skins. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:10, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Could please give me more information about this? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:08, 25 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::If I edit site-wide CSS, that will impact all users with a given skin. So I want to be very conservative about doing that and I don't want to even experiment, lest I mess up someone's view of the site. If you have examples of other wikis doing this or can justify why you need it done with some clarity, then maybe I can help you. Better yet woudl be community consensus. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:15, 25 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::Basically, I want a feature where I can create a span with the class &quot;[Skin Name Here]-show&quot; and it will only show it for users viewing in that skin, there would also be a &quot;[Skin Name Here]-hide&quot; which would do the reverse. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:24, 25 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::And I need to have a greater justification than just your personal preference before I tinker with site-wide CSS. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:44, 25 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::A lot of Templates need different code for each skin to display properly. Also, I don't see any harm in adding this. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:46, 25 June 2022 (UTC)

== Response time ==

Is there anyway to have a discussion in real-time? I would like to have several long discussions about feature requests, but that's not really doable if it takes days between each comment. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:23, 26 June 2022 (UTC)

:I have really only used Gchat (or whatever it's called now) for IMing, but sure. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:31, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::What is Gchat? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:32, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::Google's IMing, associated with Gmail. Again, it's been called a million things. Hangouts now? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:33, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Any WMF way of live chat? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:33, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::I think Matrix: [[m:matrix]]. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:38, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::I keep hearing about &quot;libera chat&quot;, is it what I want? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:40, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::Correct. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:29, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::So, could you explain what it is and how to do what I am requesting with it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:31, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::I've never used it. I just know that it's the replacement for IRC (which I very rarely used). —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:47, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::What’s IRC again? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:52, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::{{w|Internet Relay Chat}}, which was more-or-less popular as a group chat option for decades and the best server for it, {{w|Freenode}} was bought by a jerk, so everyone jumped ship to Libera. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:06, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::How does libera work? Would it be good for what I want? And, do you have an account there? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:08, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::It's a good chat service, as I understand it and would meet your needs. I've never used it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:13, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::Can you create an account? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:48, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::Sure, if that's the method you want to use. I'm here to help. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 07:00, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::::What is the name of your account? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:05, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::@koavf:matrix.org —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:05, 27 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::::::{{ping|koavf}} I mean on libera. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:38, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::::Gotcha. I haven't made one yet. I can when I'm free-er. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 12:52, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::::::::When will that be? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:53, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::::::I have a calendar reminder for the following weekend (i.e. not in a few days but a week and a half). —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 12:58, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::::::::::I am wondering if we can do it today instead? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:07, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::::::::I cannot. I have a busy-ish day and a very busy day tomorrow. To the extent that I can screw around on the Internet, it has to be pretty limited. I'm happy to meet at a time that's mutually convenient, of course. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 13:10, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
{{Outdent|::::::::::}}Thank you! When your ready I have a lot to discuss. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:17, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
:Also, when your ready, could you leave a message saying so on my Talk Page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:03, 4 July 2022 (UTC)
::Can do. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:11, 4 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Can you just send me a calendar invite if you need to chat? I'm afraid that it's hard for me to make the time. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:03, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::I am not sure how to do that, do you mean like mentally, or on Wikiquote? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:54, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::Sorry, I meant to my email address: justinkoavf[littleanarchysymbol][google's email service][period]com. If you can't do that or don't want to share your email address with me, then please let me know. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:14, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::I have had my email address removed a long time ago due to abuse, so I can't use my email. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:18, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::You can't email me directly? That's fine. When would you like to chat? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:35, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::When ever you’re ready to implement a lot of stuff. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:38, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Also, which Template de-indents a discussion? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:58, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::{{tl|outdent}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:04, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Do you have any set date that you would be willing to help implement (or at-least begin the implementation of) a lot of features? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:28, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Unfortunately, I'm busy with work and personal things in July, so I've had a hard time setting a time. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 00:34, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::Also, why did you obfuscate your email address? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:24, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::What is &quot;[littleanarchysymbol]&quot;? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:12, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::Obfuscated for bots. [littleanarchysymbol] = &quot;@&quot;. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 00:34, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::I’m confused, what do you mean obfuscated for bots? Also, if it's obfuscated how I am meant to read it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:49, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::So that a bot couldn't harvest it and spam me. You may be able to read it because you can decode things that a bot can't. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:48, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Oh. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:03, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

== Bug fix ==

In [[Special:ListUsers]] &quot;Administrator&quot; is capitalized, on all other wikis (including Wikipedia) it is lower case. Could you please fix this? You could do this by either making it lower case, or by capitalizing all User Rights. (the second option is the one I prefer) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:28, 26 June 2022 (UTC)

:But all of them are upper case now, so at least that's consistent. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:31, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::Oh wait, I see. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:32, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:I think fixing it would require recreating [[MediaWiki:Administrators]] and making it lower-case, but I'm not sure of all the places where it would be changed. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:34, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::I don't see the problem with doing that. Also, if you prefer it capitalized, you could just capitalize all User Groups. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:36, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::Because it may be transcluded other places where it shouldn't be capitalized. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:37, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Well, it's just fine on en.wp. Also, which option do you prefer? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:39, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::I have no strong feelings on this and while I am actually usually very in favor of consistency and proper usage, this one doesn't bother me much. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:29, 26 June 2022 (UTC)

== A question for you ==

If you ever get unblocked from enwiki, will you still regularly contribute here? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:46, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

:For sure. I plan on it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:13, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

== Issue with your archive page ==

A lot of users used &lt;code&gt;&lt;nowiki&gt;{{PAGENAME}}&lt;/nowiki&gt;&lt;/code&gt; instead &lt;code&gt;koavf&lt;/code&gt; on your Talk Page, so when you archived the page it now says &quot;Hi koavf/archive001&quot; instead of just &quot;Hi koavf.&quot; Could you fix this? (I can't since you protected the page) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:05, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

:Sure, thanks. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 00:34, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

== Rollback vote ==

Could you vote [[Wikiquote:Requests for Rollback/Ilovemydoodle|here]]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:51, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

== Protection request ==

Could you protect [[User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive 1|this page]] so only admins can edit? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 09:34, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive 1|This page]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:15, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::Still isn’t done. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:40, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Wait why is the page gone? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:48, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::::It's back. The easiest way to delete dozens of revisions is to delete the entire page and then un-delete the revisions that you want. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:50, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::Ohhhhhhhh. I was really confused why you were deleting the whole page. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:55, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::Koavf, could you do a full cleansing of the page? What I mean is removing all vandal revisions to the very beginning (even those already revdeled), and then also removing the reverts of those revisions as well. Could you do this? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:15, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::That should be most of them. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:20, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Could you also remove the undos of vandalism? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:23, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Nothing even displays: https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive_1&amp;diff=next&amp;oldid=3139360 Is this really necessary? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:25, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::I would like to do it, to reduce clutter and potential for confusion, so, yes. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:32, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::Thank you, Koavf! – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:51, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

== Protected edit request ==

Could you change [[Template:Test4]] to redirect to [[Template:Uw-vandalism4]] to match Wikipedia? Also, to make the progression to 4im make more sense. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:34, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

== Abuse Filter ==

: ''{{ping|Antandrus}} Could you also give your comment on this?''

Could you add the following terms to the Abuse Filter:

* VKKSTUPID (any capitalization)
* VKKSTUPIDITY (any capitalization)
* AANT (any capitalization)
* AANTANDRUS (any capitalization)
* encyclopediadramatica.online (any capitalization)
* g'p (any capitalization)
* g’p (any capitalization)
* encyclopediadr'matica (any capitalization)
* Antandrus david (any capitalization)
* Ilovemycock (any capitalization)
* Ilovemycok (any capitalization)
* Ethandeath (any capitalization)
* Antdeath (any capitalization)
* ANTANDRUS FUCK BUDDY (any capitalization)
* ANTANDRUS FUKBUDDY (any capitalization)
* FUKBUDDY (any capitalization)
* WP:BOYS (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* Chicago Boys (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* Wikidiot (any capitalization)
* Wikiidiot (any capitalization)
* WMFloser (any capitalization)
* Wikiloser (any capitalization)
* Wikipedo (any capitalization)
* Wikipedoa (any capitalization)
* PAVLOL (any capitalization)
* pause for breath (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* HAHAHA (specified capitalization only)
* ANT COCK (any capitalization)
* GLOBLALY (any capitalization)
* da clock (any capitalization)
* archive.is (any capitalization)
* archive.ph (any capitalization)
* ATTAX (any capitalization)
* REMOVETD (any capitalization)
* JAN PAWEŁ (any capitalization)
* WMF squm (any capitalization)
* 'n' (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* WMFhomopedo (any capitalization)
* as proven! (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* ilovemydoodle = (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* G-R-P (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* GLOBAL BAN EVADER (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* ANT-ANDRUS (any capitalization)
* AANT-ANDRUS (any capitalization)
* ILOVEMYDOODLE LOVES (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* a r c h i v e (any capitalization)
* WMFVOMIT (any capitalization)
* WMFCANCER (any capitalization)
* the fodder (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* THANX (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* THX (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* all is saved (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* forever blocked (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* blocked loser (any capitalization)
* fuckbuddy ant (any capitalization)
* fuckbuddy antandrus (any capitalization)
* antandr's (any capitalization)
* HAHAHAHAHA (specified capitalization only)
* PAUSE FOR BREATH (specified capitalization only)
* O YEA (specified capitalization only)
* o yea (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* yea YEA (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* U CANT SLEEP (any capitalization)
* ANT-STN (any capitalization)
* ency'lopediadram'tica (any capitalization)
* GLOBA LOSER (any capitalization)
* GLOBAL LOSER (any capitalization)
* IN YOUR FACES (specified capitalization only)
* in your faces (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* vvkrejects (any capitalization)
* VVK (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* IN YO FACES (any capitalization)
* vvkhypocrite (any capitalization)
* FOFFER (any capitalization)
* real life stalker (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* REAL LIFE STALKER (specified capitalization only)
* DEFYING LOGIC (specified capitalization only)
* FOR WMF (specified capitalization only)
* globally blocked lta (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* GLOBALLY BLOCKED LTA (specified capitalization only)
* WMF RESPECT (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* wikitruth (any capitalization)
* wmf stands for (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* wmf stand for (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* WMF STANDS FOR (specified capitalization only)
* WMF STAND FOR (specified capitalization only)
* I LOVE MY COCK (any capitalization)
* wmf total (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* WMF TOTAL (specified capitalization only)
* fight u (any capitalization)
* ET AL (specified capitalization only)
* zero brains (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* BL*TANT (any capitalization)
* utm*st (any capitalization)
* UTMOST (specified capitalization only)
* Suckpuppet (any capitalization)
* wikihomopedoia (any capitalization)
* ED loser (any capitalization)
* HAHAHAHAHAHA (specified capitalization only)
* AKA (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* VVKLOSER (any capitalization)
– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:46, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

:I've edited the abuse filter before, but I'm not a whiz at it. Note that blocking edits outright based on some of these filters would certainly disrupt standard editing. I feel like this is probably not the best way to stop vandalism and would want to get more consensus from the community. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:52, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
::How about you block the ones that are obviously vandalism entirely. And the potentially good-faith ones could be allowed only for autoconfirmed. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:17, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I'd still want a broader consensus. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:22, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Also, could you protect [[Wikiquote:Village pump archive 60|this page]]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:24, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
:Imagine what GRP would do if when he next logs in Wikiquote using one of his 50 trillion VPNs, and all of his favorite buzzwords get blocked by the Abuse Filter. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:56, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
::Again, please post to the Village Pump to get consensus. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:15, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
:::{{done}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:44, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

== Quick fix needed ==

Could you please create [[MediaWiki:Dot-separator|this page]]? It's needed for a lot of templates on Wikipedia, so when I import them, they don't work. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:04, 11 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:16, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::Question: how do you import revisions? I regularly import templates from Wikipedia, so it would be nice to be able to import the revisions too. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:39, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::[[Special:Import]], if you are an admin. You are not importing, you're just copying and pasting, which is fine as long as you give attribution in the edit summary or the talk page. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:43, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Is there anyway to import '''without''' being an admin? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:45, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::No, just ask an admin to do it. Again, it's fine to completely reproduce any of the content from any WMF project anywhere, it just requires attribution. The problem with copy/paste &quot;importing&quot; is that it may not import all dependencies. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:49, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::Well, I know how to import dependencies, I would just like the ability to import revisions too, as I import hundreds of templates regularly. Also, when copying I often forget to attribute. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:54, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::If you forget, in practice, it's not the biggest deal in the world, but you really should post a note on the talk page saying where it came from and how someone could find attribution at the original source. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:55, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Well, according to [[w:WP:IMPORTS|this]], there is a group for &lt;code&gt;import&lt;/code&gt;, just like &lt;code&gt;rollback&lt;/code&gt;. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:59, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Heads up that it's [[:w:en:Help:Import]] or [[:w:en:WP:IMPORT]]. In theory, we can activate importer and transwiki importers here, but we [[Special:ListUsers/import|don't have any]] and I personally can't do it, as it requires a bureaucrat. Generally, import rights outside of being an admin is rare and reserved for weird circumstances (e.g. a user on en.wp who has access to very old server logs and imports edits from 2001 occasionally). —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:04, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Can I make a request? And, if so, where? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:19, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::You can request import at the admin's noticeboard. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:25, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::{{done}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:40, 11 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

Could please revdel these two revisions? (they are both by the same vandal)
* [[Special:Diff/3140786|1]]
* [[Special:Diff/3140787|2]]
– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:08, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:10, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::Second one too? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:12, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I think you forgot the second one. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:10, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Check again. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:06, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Kim_Il-sung&amp;oldid=3140787 Still there] – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:20, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::Gotcha. I deleted the edit summary. Thanks: hate speech has no place here except in the context of historically meaningful and educational quotations.o —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:33, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::Could you also give feedback to my question on the village pump? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:36, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

== Protection request ==

Could you protect [[User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive 1|this page]] so only admins can edit? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:11, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} I already did that. Now I've done it twice. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:07, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

== Question about the abuse filter ==

Can importing revisions ever trigger the abuse filter? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:19, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

:Probably? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 14:35, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::Which user right (not group) allows you to bypass the abuse filter? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:01, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I don't know anything more than this: [[:mw:Extension:AbuseFilter#User_rights]]. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 15:55, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Who would know more about this? Should I ping Aklapper? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:13, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::Possibly. I think a lot of folks on en.wp would know. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:31, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::I already asked a few hours ago on the help desk, still no response. I also asked on meta, also no response. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:33, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::I got two answers, here: [[m:Special:Diff/23515465|meta]], [[w:Special:Diff/1097930390|wikipedia]]. So the answer (thankfully) appears to be no. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:52, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

== Importer proposal ==

Could you give me feedback on my importer proposal? (not for/against, just about improving the proposal) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:54, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

== &lt;s&gt;Emergency&lt;/s&gt; ==

&lt;s&gt;QOTD missing!&lt;/s&gt; {{done}} by Kalki. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:01, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

== Question about my import proposal ==

Some of the permissions I know for sure are needed, for others I am pretty sure, and a few are just guesses. So, do you know who specifically I could ask about this? This would make sure that ones that are not needed can be removed, and that needed ones that are not listed can be added. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:47, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

:I don't have a recommendation on this, no. It's your proposal: you can make it however you want. You just need to be clear and explain your reasoning. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 11:16, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

== &lt;s&gt;QOTD&lt;/s&gt;==

&lt;s&gt;QOTD is missing!&lt;/s&gt; {{done}} by Kalki. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:22, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Question about my requests to you that could be asked more generally on VP or AN ==

Are you okay with this, or does it bother you? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:32, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

:If the worst thing that happens to me here is that someone is too enthusiastic, that's a good problem to have. I like your edits and interest in helping out. I just want to make sure that any kind of radical changes get larger community support. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:37, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:Contributions/Mr. Dick Pump|These two edits]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:28, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 14:56, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:contribs/2001:E68:6125:E800:9458:3779:9236:6072|Three edit summaries]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:16, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 14:57, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:contribs/2603:6010:c600:a8:40c4:fa43:6b2d:63ac|Three revisions]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:00, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

:&lt;small&gt;([[:w:WP:TPS|talk page stalker]])&lt;/small&gt; {{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, {{done}} but only one revision. The others aren't eligible for revdel. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 20:12, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

== Potential issue with import proposal ==

If the page has already been imported manually and changed since, but the page on the wiki you are importing from has also been changed, then the merge will fail. So is there any kind of right that I could that would let you remove a revision? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:04, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

:Just being an admin. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:02, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
::Does the database keep track of if an edit is imported? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:09, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I'm not certain. From what I've seen, it's seamless. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:49, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
::::I mean in the backend. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:59, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::I'm not sure. I would think so. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 21:13, 16 July 2022 (UTC)

== Online ==

Are you online right now? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:32, 16 July 2022 (UTC)

:I'll have a little availability, but I'm getting sleepy actually--I've been sick lately. :/ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:02, 16 July 2022 (UTC)

== Online ==

Are you still online? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:02, 16 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:Diff/3143353|This]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:53, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:51, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

== Bureaucrat ==

I wanted to nominate you for bureaucrat, but I could not think of enough reasons for a full nomination. Could you nominate yourself? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:22, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{not done}} I'm pretty busy now, so picking up extra responsibility seems like a bad idea. :/ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:51, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
::Later? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:52, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Maybe! —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:59, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:Diff/3121426|This]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:32, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:38, 19 July 2022 (UTC)

== Hounding ==

I have noticed that a particular new editor here seems to be here only in discussion pages, which is fine in my opinion, but they appear to particularly targeting me (voting against various proposals, listing pages for deletion, etc.), and haven't been doing any mainspsce editing or editing in other discussions, does this count as hounding? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:37, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{ping|AC9016}} Do you agree? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:38, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:It could be. I haven't seen this behavior yet. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 15:42, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
::[[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|Here]] – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:44, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I have not observed this behavior either. My time on Wikiquote is overwhelmingly spent on creating and editing pages. --[[User:AC9016|AC9016]] ([[User talk:AC9016|talk]]) 15:57, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I see you posted to his talk, so let's see where that goes. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 15:58, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

== Strikethrough templates ==

Templates what is your opinion on {{t|Ds}}, {{t|Ts}}, and {{t|Qs}}? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:52, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

:It's not obvious to me why these exist. If you need to semantically mark up that something is deleted or struck, then we have those options, so why do we need to visually have a template that strikes something four times? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 07:48, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

== Availability ==

When do you think you could help with the js feature requests previously mentioned? Thanks. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:04, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

:Which one again? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:11, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
::Not specifically one, several small ones over IRC. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:16, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Oh, not anytime soon. Sorry. :/
:::I have work, school, and travel. I am happy to do continued maintenance on projects where I am an admin (e.g. here), but doing anything ambitious is on an indefinite hold. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:18, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Not that big, only small to medium additions. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:22, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

== AN Archives ==

Hello. I noticed that you sysop-protected [[Wikiquote:Administrators' noticeboard/Archive/037]] but this is blocking [[Special:Contribs/MABot|my bot]] from archiving the [[WQ:AN]] as requested. Would you prefer if I start archiving in [[Wikiquote:Administrators' noticeboard/Archive/038]] instead? If this is due to vandalism, an AbuseFilter could be created to avoid subpages of the AN to be editted by anyone but sysops and bots. Regards, --[[User:MarcoAurelio|MarcoAurelio]] ([[User talk:MarcoAurelio|talk]]) 11:10, 28 July 2022 (UTC)

:Maybe your bot can just be an admin? I'm not a bureaucrat, so I can't do it unilaterally, but you're a trusted user, so I don't see that as being a problem. I'll unprotect for now. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 16:30, 28 July 2022 (UTC)
::Thank you. I appreciate your words, but I do not think my bot should have +sysop as it is very dangerous. Bots can, however, edit pages protected up to the autoconfirmed level so if vandalism on that page is an issue you may reprotect it to the &quot;edit: autoconfirmed&quot; level and my bot won't have troubles with bypassing that restriction. Regards, --[[User:MarcoAurelio|MarcoAurelio]] ([[User talk:MarcoAurelio|talk]]) 10:45, 29 July 2022 (UTC)

== Hello ==

I would like to inform you that I have returned here after three weeks.

I mainly left due to the large-scale deletion of my templates and modules, most of which was unjustified. I would like to have these undeleted so the issues with templates can be properly addressed, rather than just deleting them. I would like to start by having these templates undeleted:
* [[Template:T]]
* [[Template:Blockedreason]]
* [[Template:Removed]] (and [[Template:Vote removed]])
Do you think you help with this? And, if so, could you add some-sort-of messaging saying that it is currently being worked-on and should ''not'' be immediately re-VfD'd? Thanks. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:44, 11 August 2022 (UTC)

:Welcome. I would recommend starting with the admins who deleted them and see if they think for some reason there was an error or something was deleted out of process. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:50, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
::I am not saying that is out of error, I just think that I can ''easily'' fix the issues that were given as the reason for deletion. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:52, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
:::Also, you would need to undelete the associated sub-pages. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:53, 11 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>1nss8v35jeg8wogbnrtbapgbyngtwc5</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153615</id>
      <parentid>3153614</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T17:55:59Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Koavf</username>
        <id>6765</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Hello */ Reply</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="73969" xml:space="preserve">{{User talk:Koavf/Template:Archive}}
&lt;!-- Please leave comments below this line. --&gt;

== Template:Username ==

Could you please make [[Template:Username]] show the User’s name? I need it for several Templates. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:19, 12 June 2022 (UTC)

:What do you have in mind? Does {{tl|Ping}} not work? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:53, 12 June 2022 (UTC)
::I mean the user viewing it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:56, 12 June 2022 (UTC)
:::{{ping|Kalki}} [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:12, 13 June 2022 (UTC)
:::{{ping|koavf}}
::::I have no idea what you need. What would the template do? How would you use it? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:42, 13 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::A template that displays the username or IP address of the user viewing it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:49, 13 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::Do you have an example on another wiki that does this? I recalled that there was a magic word for this, but I can't seem to find it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:45, 13 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::No, but this is still a very useful *potential* feature. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:45, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

== Request to add Editnotice ==

Could you add [[User:Ilovemydoodle/FakeBlockMessage|this]] Editnotice to my User and User Talk pages? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:38, 15 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} Are you sure you want that message? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:39, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::Yes. Thank you, you are the best admin. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:52, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::Also, it isn't showing up, could you fix this?

::Edit: I think you need to create the page [[Mediawiki:Editnotice-2-Ilovemydoodle|here]] (and [[Mediawiki:Editnotice-3-Ilovemydoodle|here]] for the Talk Page) for it to actually work. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:54, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::That doesn't seem to have done the trick. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:02, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Maybe try some test text instead? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:04, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::I can. Seems like your hack should work, per [[mw:Manual:Interface/Edit notice]], tho. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:05, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::Maybe file a phab report? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:07, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::I fixed it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:12, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Could you also protect the page so only I and Administrators can edit it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:50, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::No, there's no way to do that, other than by manually blocking that one page from every user who isn't an admin or you. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:53, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:
{| style=&quot;border: 1px solid gray; background-color: #fdffe7;&quot;
|rowspan=&quot;2&quot; style=&quot;vertical-align:middle;&quot; | [[File:SpecialBarnstar.png|100px]]
|rowspan=&quot;2&quot; |
|style=&quot;font-size: x-large; padding: 0; vertical-align: middle; height: 1.1em;&quot; | '''The Special Barnstar'''
|-
|style=&quot;vertical-align: middle; border-top: 1px solid gray;&quot; | For actually doing this, I think most other Administrators take themselves to far too seriously to do something like this.
|} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:29, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

:Thanks kindly. I'm here to serve. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:35, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

== Merge fork ==

Could you merge my fork of [[Joe Biden]] into the main page (revisions included)? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:59, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

:Probably, but you have to meet me half-way here and link to said fork. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:03, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::[[User:Ilovemydoodle/forks/Main/Joe Biden]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:05, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::&quot;No revisions can be merged.&quot; —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:09, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Why? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:16, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::¯\_(ツ)_/¯ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:17, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::Try now. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:19, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::&quot;No revisions can be merged.&quot; —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:35, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Maybe try importing them instead? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:37, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::How? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:37, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Okay I figured it, this might sound strange, but it should work, merge [[Joe Biden]] into my fork, delete the original [[Joe Biden]] page and then move my fork to [[Joe Biden]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:49, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::&quot;Source revisions overlap or come after destination revisions.&quot; You should just edit the main article. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:00, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::{{done}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:04, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::Also, do you have any work for me to do on Wikiquote? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:05, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::Wow, great question. I think the best thing that can happen here is if someone helps to bring more [[m:Structured Wikiquote|structure and semantics to Wikiquote]]. On a structural level, that is beyond any one person fixing, but anyone can add templates, metadata, etc. E.g. if you cite a source, include a citation template or use proper list semantics, such as not putting line breaks between bullets in a list. That and adding accessibility features like [[:w:en:WP:ALT|alt text]] are important issues to me. Thanks for asking and for all you do around here. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:50, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::I have been doing some of these things for while now, I will continue to do so also doing the other things you mentioned, but I was mainly looking for one or two shorter tasks to do now. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:10, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::Hi {{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, in terms of work to do on Wikiquote:
*[[:Category:Wikiquote no intro]] need intros
*[[:Category:Video games]]' contents needs sorting into categories by year
*[[:Category:Wikiquote cleanup]] has hundreds of articles needing cleanup
*[[Flooding]] could potentially be an article rather than redirect, not 100 percent sure though, depends on quotability.
*There are many entire countries with no article yet. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 16:46, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::Also thank you again Koavf for the admin/maintenance work. I hope we get to see you back at enwiki eventually. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 19:21, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::Thanks, RC! —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:46, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::No worries. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 19:51, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

== Feature ==

Help, I really needed a feature added that lets a Template tell which skin your using. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:58, 19 June 2022 (UTC)

:Wow, I have no idea how to do that. You want to be a thrid party that knows which skin someone is using? I'm not sure that is an option. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:09, 19 June 2022 (UTC)
::I really need it, apparently the background of my talk page break certain features, but only on one skin, and after fixing now it only works on that skin and doesn't work on others, so I really need this fixed, maybe something using css files? 

::Edit: I figured it out, just add some css to the css file for each skin:

::* [[Mediawiki:vector.css]]
::* [[Mediawiki:vector-2022.css]]
::* [[Mediawiki:minerva.css]]
::* [[Mediawiki:monobook.css]]
::* [[Mediawiki:timeless.css]]

::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:55, 19 June 2022 (UTC)
:::{{ping|koavf}} [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:23, 20 June 2022 (UTC)
::::I'm confused why you're pinging me. You just wrote, &quot;I figured it out&quot;, so I thought there was no action for me here. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:35, 20 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::No, I meant that I figured out how YOU can fix it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:52, 20 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::What do you want me to insert in the CSS files? I'm reluctant to do this as it will modify the site for all users, but I'm not entirely opposed. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:03, 20 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::Just make it you have something that only appears when that skin is active.

:::::::Edit: You can do this by making something invisible in common.css and then setting it visible in the skin’s css file. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:05, 20 June 2022 (UTC)

== Feature request ==

Could you make a very useful JavaScript hack for me? Ping me when your ready and I'll give you more information. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 16:21, 23 June 2022 (UTC)

:I'm putting something on my calendar for next weekend--I'm busy this weekend. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:42, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
::Could you please do the other request above, though? (I really need it for something) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:44, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
:::All of them exist except one. I'll add a comment to it and then I suppose that resolves it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:53, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
::::No I mean in each file could you put:
::::&lt;code&gt;span.show-[skin name here] {display: initial;}&lt;/code&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;code&gt;span.hide-[skin name here] {display: none;}&lt;/code&gt;
::::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:00, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::No, I'm not sure what that will do. I'm trying to think of how that would appear in CSS and that seems like it would not display the user preferences. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 21:01, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::Well, you just add this code to common.css for each skin:
::::::&lt;code&gt;span.show-[skin name here] {display: none;}&lt;/code&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;code&gt;span.hide-[skin name here] {display: initial;}&lt;/code&gt;
::::::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:03, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::I'm reluctant to do that becuase of the concerns above. Do you have an example wiki where someone did this? I don't want to tinker with site-wide CSS without a really good reason. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 21:04, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Well, I can't think of any other wiki, but this IS quite important. On my user page I implemented a feature that perfectly well for me, but another user informed me that it didn't work in one skin, so I made one for that skin, but it only worked in that skin, so I need some code to differentiate between skins. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:10, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Could please give me more information about this? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:08, 25 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::If I edit site-wide CSS, that will impact all users with a given skin. So I want to be very conservative about doing that and I don't want to even experiment, lest I mess up someone's view of the site. If you have examples of other wikis doing this or can justify why you need it done with some clarity, then maybe I can help you. Better yet woudl be community consensus. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:15, 25 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::Basically, I want a feature where I can create a span with the class &quot;[Skin Name Here]-show&quot; and it will only show it for users viewing in that skin, there would also be a &quot;[Skin Name Here]-hide&quot; which would do the reverse. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:24, 25 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::And I need to have a greater justification than just your personal preference before I tinker with site-wide CSS. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:44, 25 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::A lot of Templates need different code for each skin to display properly. Also, I don't see any harm in adding this. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:46, 25 June 2022 (UTC)

== Response time ==

Is there anyway to have a discussion in real-time? I would like to have several long discussions about feature requests, but that's not really doable if it takes days between each comment. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:23, 26 June 2022 (UTC)

:I have really only used Gchat (or whatever it's called now) for IMing, but sure. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:31, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::What is Gchat? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:32, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::Google's IMing, associated with Gmail. Again, it's been called a million things. Hangouts now? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:33, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Any WMF way of live chat? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:33, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::I think Matrix: [[m:matrix]]. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:38, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::I keep hearing about &quot;libera chat&quot;, is it what I want? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:40, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::Correct. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:29, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::So, could you explain what it is and how to do what I am requesting with it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:31, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::I've never used it. I just know that it's the replacement for IRC (which I very rarely used). —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:47, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::What’s IRC again? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:52, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::{{w|Internet Relay Chat}}, which was more-or-less popular as a group chat option for decades and the best server for it, {{w|Freenode}} was bought by a jerk, so everyone jumped ship to Libera. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:06, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::How does libera work? Would it be good for what I want? And, do you have an account there? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:08, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::It's a good chat service, as I understand it and would meet your needs. I've never used it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:13, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::Can you create an account? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:48, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::Sure, if that's the method you want to use. I'm here to help. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 07:00, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::::What is the name of your account? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:05, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::@koavf:matrix.org —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:05, 27 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::::::{{ping|koavf}} I mean on libera. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:38, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::::Gotcha. I haven't made one yet. I can when I'm free-er. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 12:52, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::::::::When will that be? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:53, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::::::I have a calendar reminder for the following weekend (i.e. not in a few days but a week and a half). —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 12:58, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::::::::::I am wondering if we can do it today instead? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:07, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::::::::I cannot. I have a busy-ish day and a very busy day tomorrow. To the extent that I can screw around on the Internet, it has to be pretty limited. I'm happy to meet at a time that's mutually convenient, of course. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 13:10, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
{{Outdent|::::::::::}}Thank you! When your ready I have a lot to discuss. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:17, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
:Also, when your ready, could you leave a message saying so on my Talk Page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:03, 4 July 2022 (UTC)
::Can do. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:11, 4 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Can you just send me a calendar invite if you need to chat? I'm afraid that it's hard for me to make the time. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:03, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::I am not sure how to do that, do you mean like mentally, or on Wikiquote? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:54, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::Sorry, I meant to my email address: justinkoavf[littleanarchysymbol][google's email service][period]com. If you can't do that or don't want to share your email address with me, then please let me know. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:14, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::I have had my email address removed a long time ago due to abuse, so I can't use my email. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:18, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::You can't email me directly? That's fine. When would you like to chat? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:35, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::When ever you’re ready to implement a lot of stuff. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:38, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Also, which Template de-indents a discussion? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:58, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::{{tl|outdent}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:04, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Do you have any set date that you would be willing to help implement (or at-least begin the implementation of) a lot of features? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:28, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Unfortunately, I'm busy with work and personal things in July, so I've had a hard time setting a time. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 00:34, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::Also, why did you obfuscate your email address? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:24, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::What is &quot;[littleanarchysymbol]&quot;? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:12, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::Obfuscated for bots. [littleanarchysymbol] = &quot;@&quot;. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 00:34, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::I’m confused, what do you mean obfuscated for bots? Also, if it's obfuscated how I am meant to read it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:49, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::So that a bot couldn't harvest it and spam me. You may be able to read it because you can decode things that a bot can't. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:48, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Oh. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:03, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

== Bug fix ==

In [[Special:ListUsers]] &quot;Administrator&quot; is capitalized, on all other wikis (including Wikipedia) it is lower case. Could you please fix this? You could do this by either making it lower case, or by capitalizing all User Rights. (the second option is the one I prefer) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:28, 26 June 2022 (UTC)

:But all of them are upper case now, so at least that's consistent. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:31, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::Oh wait, I see. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:32, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:I think fixing it would require recreating [[MediaWiki:Administrators]] and making it lower-case, but I'm not sure of all the places where it would be changed. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:34, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::I don't see the problem with doing that. Also, if you prefer it capitalized, you could just capitalize all User Groups. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:36, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::Because it may be transcluded other places where it shouldn't be capitalized. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:37, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Well, it's just fine on en.wp. Also, which option do you prefer? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:39, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::I have no strong feelings on this and while I am actually usually very in favor of consistency and proper usage, this one doesn't bother me much. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:29, 26 June 2022 (UTC)

== A question for you ==

If you ever get unblocked from enwiki, will you still regularly contribute here? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:46, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

:For sure. I plan on it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:13, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

== Issue with your archive page ==

A lot of users used &lt;code&gt;&lt;nowiki&gt;{{PAGENAME}}&lt;/nowiki&gt;&lt;/code&gt; instead &lt;code&gt;koavf&lt;/code&gt; on your Talk Page, so when you archived the page it now says &quot;Hi koavf/archive001&quot; instead of just &quot;Hi koavf.&quot; Could you fix this? (I can't since you protected the page) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:05, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

:Sure, thanks. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 00:34, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

== Rollback vote ==

Could you vote [[Wikiquote:Requests for Rollback/Ilovemydoodle|here]]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:51, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

== Protection request ==

Could you protect [[User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive 1|this page]] so only admins can edit? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 09:34, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive 1|This page]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:15, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::Still isn’t done. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:40, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Wait why is the page gone? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:48, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::::It's back. The easiest way to delete dozens of revisions is to delete the entire page and then un-delete the revisions that you want. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:50, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::Ohhhhhhhh. I was really confused why you were deleting the whole page. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:55, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::Koavf, could you do a full cleansing of the page? What I mean is removing all vandal revisions to the very beginning (even those already revdeled), and then also removing the reverts of those revisions as well. Could you do this? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:15, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::That should be most of them. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:20, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Could you also remove the undos of vandalism? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:23, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Nothing even displays: https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive_1&amp;diff=next&amp;oldid=3139360 Is this really necessary? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:25, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::I would like to do it, to reduce clutter and potential for confusion, so, yes. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:32, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::Thank you, Koavf! – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:51, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

== Protected edit request ==

Could you change [[Template:Test4]] to redirect to [[Template:Uw-vandalism4]] to match Wikipedia? Also, to make the progression to 4im make more sense. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:34, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

== Abuse Filter ==

: ''{{ping|Antandrus}} Could you also give your comment on this?''

Could you add the following terms to the Abuse Filter:

* VKKSTUPID (any capitalization)
* VKKSTUPIDITY (any capitalization)
* AANT (any capitalization)
* AANTANDRUS (any capitalization)
* encyclopediadramatica.online (any capitalization)
* g'p (any capitalization)
* g’p (any capitalization)
* encyclopediadr'matica (any capitalization)
* Antandrus david (any capitalization)
* Ilovemycock (any capitalization)
* Ilovemycok (any capitalization)
* Ethandeath (any capitalization)
* Antdeath (any capitalization)
* ANTANDRUS FUCK BUDDY (any capitalization)
* ANTANDRUS FUKBUDDY (any capitalization)
* FUKBUDDY (any capitalization)
* WP:BOYS (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* Chicago Boys (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* Wikidiot (any capitalization)
* Wikiidiot (any capitalization)
* WMFloser (any capitalization)
* Wikiloser (any capitalization)
* Wikipedo (any capitalization)
* Wikipedoa (any capitalization)
* PAVLOL (any capitalization)
* pause for breath (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* HAHAHA (specified capitalization only)
* ANT COCK (any capitalization)
* GLOBLALY (any capitalization)
* da clock (any capitalization)
* archive.is (any capitalization)
* archive.ph (any capitalization)
* ATTAX (any capitalization)
* REMOVETD (any capitalization)
* JAN PAWEŁ (any capitalization)
* WMF squm (any capitalization)
* 'n' (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* WMFhomopedo (any capitalization)
* as proven! (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* ilovemydoodle = (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* G-R-P (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* GLOBAL BAN EVADER (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* ANT-ANDRUS (any capitalization)
* AANT-ANDRUS (any capitalization)
* ILOVEMYDOODLE LOVES (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* a r c h i v e (any capitalization)
* WMFVOMIT (any capitalization)
* WMFCANCER (any capitalization)
* the fodder (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* THANX (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* THX (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* all is saved (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* forever blocked (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* blocked loser (any capitalization)
* fuckbuddy ant (any capitalization)
* fuckbuddy antandrus (any capitalization)
* antandr's (any capitalization)
* HAHAHAHAHA (specified capitalization only)
* PAUSE FOR BREATH (specified capitalization only)
* O YEA (specified capitalization only)
* o yea (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* yea YEA (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* U CANT SLEEP (any capitalization)
* ANT-STN (any capitalization)
* ency'lopediadram'tica (any capitalization)
* GLOBA LOSER (any capitalization)
* GLOBAL LOSER (any capitalization)
* IN YOUR FACES (specified capitalization only)
* in your faces (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* vvkrejects (any capitalization)
* VVK (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* IN YO FACES (any capitalization)
* vvkhypocrite (any capitalization)
* FOFFER (any capitalization)
* real life stalker (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* REAL LIFE STALKER (specified capitalization only)
* DEFYING LOGIC (specified capitalization only)
* FOR WMF (specified capitalization only)
* globally blocked lta (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* GLOBALLY BLOCKED LTA (specified capitalization only)
* WMF RESPECT (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* wikitruth (any capitalization)
* wmf stands for (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* wmf stand for (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* WMF STANDS FOR (specified capitalization only)
* WMF STAND FOR (specified capitalization only)
* I LOVE MY COCK (any capitalization)
* wmf total (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* WMF TOTAL (specified capitalization only)
* fight u (any capitalization)
* ET AL (specified capitalization only)
* zero brains (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* BL*TANT (any capitalization)
* utm*st (any capitalization)
* UTMOST (specified capitalization only)
* Suckpuppet (any capitalization)
* wikihomopedoia (any capitalization)
* ED loser (any capitalization)
* HAHAHAHAHAHA (specified capitalization only)
* AKA (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* VVKLOSER (any capitalization)
– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:46, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

:I've edited the abuse filter before, but I'm not a whiz at it. Note that blocking edits outright based on some of these filters would certainly disrupt standard editing. I feel like this is probably not the best way to stop vandalism and would want to get more consensus from the community. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:52, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
::How about you block the ones that are obviously vandalism entirely. And the potentially good-faith ones could be allowed only for autoconfirmed. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:17, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I'd still want a broader consensus. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:22, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Also, could you protect [[Wikiquote:Village pump archive 60|this page]]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:24, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
:Imagine what GRP would do if when he next logs in Wikiquote using one of his 50 trillion VPNs, and all of his favorite buzzwords get blocked by the Abuse Filter. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:56, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
::Again, please post to the Village Pump to get consensus. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:15, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
:::{{done}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:44, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

== Quick fix needed ==

Could you please create [[MediaWiki:Dot-separator|this page]]? It's needed for a lot of templates on Wikipedia, so when I import them, they don't work. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:04, 11 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:16, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::Question: how do you import revisions? I regularly import templates from Wikipedia, so it would be nice to be able to import the revisions too. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:39, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::[[Special:Import]], if you are an admin. You are not importing, you're just copying and pasting, which is fine as long as you give attribution in the edit summary or the talk page. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:43, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Is there anyway to import '''without''' being an admin? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:45, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::No, just ask an admin to do it. Again, it's fine to completely reproduce any of the content from any WMF project anywhere, it just requires attribution. The problem with copy/paste &quot;importing&quot; is that it may not import all dependencies. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:49, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::Well, I know how to import dependencies, I would just like the ability to import revisions too, as I import hundreds of templates regularly. Also, when copying I often forget to attribute. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:54, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::If you forget, in practice, it's not the biggest deal in the world, but you really should post a note on the talk page saying where it came from and how someone could find attribution at the original source. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:55, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Well, according to [[w:WP:IMPORTS|this]], there is a group for &lt;code&gt;import&lt;/code&gt;, just like &lt;code&gt;rollback&lt;/code&gt;. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:59, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Heads up that it's [[:w:en:Help:Import]] or [[:w:en:WP:IMPORT]]. In theory, we can activate importer and transwiki importers here, but we [[Special:ListUsers/import|don't have any]] and I personally can't do it, as it requires a bureaucrat. Generally, import rights outside of being an admin is rare and reserved for weird circumstances (e.g. a user on en.wp who has access to very old server logs and imports edits from 2001 occasionally). —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:04, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Can I make a request? And, if so, where? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:19, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::You can request import at the admin's noticeboard. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:25, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::{{done}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:40, 11 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

Could please revdel these two revisions? (they are both by the same vandal)
* [[Special:Diff/3140786|1]]
* [[Special:Diff/3140787|2]]
– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:08, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:10, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::Second one too? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:12, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I think you forgot the second one. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:10, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Check again. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:06, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Kim_Il-sung&amp;oldid=3140787 Still there] – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:20, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::Gotcha. I deleted the edit summary. Thanks: hate speech has no place here except in the context of historically meaningful and educational quotations.o —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:33, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::Could you also give feedback to my question on the village pump? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:36, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

== Protection request ==

Could you protect [[User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive 1|this page]] so only admins can edit? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:11, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} I already did that. Now I've done it twice. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:07, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

== Question about the abuse filter ==

Can importing revisions ever trigger the abuse filter? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:19, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

:Probably? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 14:35, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::Which user right (not group) allows you to bypass the abuse filter? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:01, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I don't know anything more than this: [[:mw:Extension:AbuseFilter#User_rights]]. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 15:55, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Who would know more about this? Should I ping Aklapper? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:13, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::Possibly. I think a lot of folks on en.wp would know. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:31, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::I already asked a few hours ago on the help desk, still no response. I also asked on meta, also no response. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:33, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::I got two answers, here: [[m:Special:Diff/23515465|meta]], [[w:Special:Diff/1097930390|wikipedia]]. So the answer (thankfully) appears to be no. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:52, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

== Importer proposal ==

Could you give me feedback on my importer proposal? (not for/against, just about improving the proposal) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:54, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

== &lt;s&gt;Emergency&lt;/s&gt; ==

&lt;s&gt;QOTD missing!&lt;/s&gt; {{done}} by Kalki. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:01, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

== Question about my import proposal ==

Some of the permissions I know for sure are needed, for others I am pretty sure, and a few are just guesses. So, do you know who specifically I could ask about this? This would make sure that ones that are not needed can be removed, and that needed ones that are not listed can be added. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:47, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

:I don't have a recommendation on this, no. It's your proposal: you can make it however you want. You just need to be clear and explain your reasoning. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 11:16, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

== &lt;s&gt;QOTD&lt;/s&gt;==

&lt;s&gt;QOTD is missing!&lt;/s&gt; {{done}} by Kalki. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:22, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Question about my requests to you that could be asked more generally on VP or AN ==

Are you okay with this, or does it bother you? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:32, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

:If the worst thing that happens to me here is that someone is too enthusiastic, that's a good problem to have. I like your edits and interest in helping out. I just want to make sure that any kind of radical changes get larger community support. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:37, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:Contributions/Mr. Dick Pump|These two edits]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:28, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 14:56, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:contribs/2001:E68:6125:E800:9458:3779:9236:6072|Three edit summaries]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:16, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 14:57, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:contribs/2603:6010:c600:a8:40c4:fa43:6b2d:63ac|Three revisions]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:00, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

:&lt;small&gt;([[:w:WP:TPS|talk page stalker]])&lt;/small&gt; {{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, {{done}} but only one revision. The others aren't eligible for revdel. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 20:12, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

== Potential issue with import proposal ==

If the page has already been imported manually and changed since, but the page on the wiki you are importing from has also been changed, then the merge will fail. So is there any kind of right that I could that would let you remove a revision? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:04, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

:Just being an admin. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:02, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
::Does the database keep track of if an edit is imported? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:09, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I'm not certain. From what I've seen, it's seamless. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:49, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
::::I mean in the backend. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:59, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::I'm not sure. I would think so. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 21:13, 16 July 2022 (UTC)

== Online ==

Are you online right now? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:32, 16 July 2022 (UTC)

:I'll have a little availability, but I'm getting sleepy actually--I've been sick lately. :/ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:02, 16 July 2022 (UTC)

== Online ==

Are you still online? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:02, 16 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:Diff/3143353|This]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:53, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:51, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

== Bureaucrat ==

I wanted to nominate you for bureaucrat, but I could not think of enough reasons for a full nomination. Could you nominate yourself? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:22, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{not done}} I'm pretty busy now, so picking up extra responsibility seems like a bad idea. :/ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:51, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
::Later? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:52, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Maybe! —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:59, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:Diff/3121426|This]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:32, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:38, 19 July 2022 (UTC)

== Hounding ==

I have noticed that a particular new editor here seems to be here only in discussion pages, which is fine in my opinion, but they appear to particularly targeting me (voting against various proposals, listing pages for deletion, etc.), and haven't been doing any mainspsce editing or editing in other discussions, does this count as hounding? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:37, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{ping|AC9016}} Do you agree? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:38, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:It could be. I haven't seen this behavior yet. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 15:42, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
::[[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|Here]] – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:44, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I have not observed this behavior either. My time on Wikiquote is overwhelmingly spent on creating and editing pages. --[[User:AC9016|AC9016]] ([[User talk:AC9016|talk]]) 15:57, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I see you posted to his talk, so let's see where that goes. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 15:58, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

== Strikethrough templates ==

Templates what is your opinion on {{t|Ds}}, {{t|Ts}}, and {{t|Qs}}? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:52, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

:It's not obvious to me why these exist. If you need to semantically mark up that something is deleted or struck, then we have those options, so why do we need to visually have a template that strikes something four times? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 07:48, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

== Availability ==

When do you think you could help with the js feature requests previously mentioned? Thanks. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:04, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

:Which one again? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:11, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
::Not specifically one, several small ones over IRC. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:16, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Oh, not anytime soon. Sorry. :/
:::I have work, school, and travel. I am happy to do continued maintenance on projects where I am an admin (e.g. here), but doing anything ambitious is on an indefinite hold. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:18, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Not that big, only small to medium additions. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:22, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

== AN Archives ==

Hello. I noticed that you sysop-protected [[Wikiquote:Administrators' noticeboard/Archive/037]] but this is blocking [[Special:Contribs/MABot|my bot]] from archiving the [[WQ:AN]] as requested. Would you prefer if I start archiving in [[Wikiquote:Administrators' noticeboard/Archive/038]] instead? If this is due to vandalism, an AbuseFilter could be created to avoid subpages of the AN to be editted by anyone but sysops and bots. Regards, --[[User:MarcoAurelio|MarcoAurelio]] ([[User talk:MarcoAurelio|talk]]) 11:10, 28 July 2022 (UTC)

:Maybe your bot can just be an admin? I'm not a bureaucrat, so I can't do it unilaterally, but you're a trusted user, so I don't see that as being a problem. I'll unprotect for now. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 16:30, 28 July 2022 (UTC)
::Thank you. I appreciate your words, but I do not think my bot should have +sysop as it is very dangerous. Bots can, however, edit pages protected up to the autoconfirmed level so if vandalism on that page is an issue you may reprotect it to the &quot;edit: autoconfirmed&quot; level and my bot won't have troubles with bypassing that restriction. Regards, --[[User:MarcoAurelio|MarcoAurelio]] ([[User talk:MarcoAurelio|talk]]) 10:45, 29 July 2022 (UTC)

== Hello ==

I would like to inform you that I have returned here after three weeks.

I mainly left due to the large-scale deletion of my templates and modules, most of which was unjustified. I would like to have these undeleted so the issues with templates can be properly addressed, rather than just deleting them. I would like to start by having these templates undeleted:
* [[Template:T]]
* [[Template:Blockedreason]]
* [[Template:Removed]] (and [[Template:Vote removed]])
Do you think you help with this? And, if so, could you add some-sort-of messaging saying that it is currently being worked-on and should ''not'' be immediately re-VfD'd? Thanks. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:44, 11 August 2022 (UTC)

:Welcome. I would recommend starting with the admins who deleted them and see if they think for some reason there was an error or something was deleted out of process. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:50, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
::I am not saying that is out of error, I just think that I can ''easily'' fix the issues that were given as the reason for deletion. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:52, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
:::Also, you would need to undelete the associated sub-pages. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:53, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
:::Sure, well I would still start with the deleting admin. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:55, 11 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>0d6hdhsdvprf12uxdylop8lgi2c6v8p</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153618</id>
      <parentid>3153615</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T17:58:03Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ilovemydoodle</username>
        <id>3120156</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Hello */ Reply</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="74188" xml:space="preserve">{{User talk:Koavf/Template:Archive}}
&lt;!-- Please leave comments below this line. --&gt;

== Template:Username ==

Could you please make [[Template:Username]] show the User’s name? I need it for several Templates. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:19, 12 June 2022 (UTC)

:What do you have in mind? Does {{tl|Ping}} not work? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:53, 12 June 2022 (UTC)
::I mean the user viewing it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:56, 12 June 2022 (UTC)
:::{{ping|Kalki}} [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:12, 13 June 2022 (UTC)
:::{{ping|koavf}}
::::I have no idea what you need. What would the template do? How would you use it? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:42, 13 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::A template that displays the username or IP address of the user viewing it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:49, 13 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::Do you have an example on another wiki that does this? I recalled that there was a magic word for this, but I can't seem to find it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:45, 13 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::No, but this is still a very useful *potential* feature. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:45, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

== Request to add Editnotice ==

Could you add [[User:Ilovemydoodle/FakeBlockMessage|this]] Editnotice to my User and User Talk pages? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:38, 15 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} Are you sure you want that message? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:39, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::Yes. Thank you, you are the best admin. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:52, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::Also, it isn't showing up, could you fix this?

::Edit: I think you need to create the page [[Mediawiki:Editnotice-2-Ilovemydoodle|here]] (and [[Mediawiki:Editnotice-3-Ilovemydoodle|here]] for the Talk Page) for it to actually work. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:54, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::That doesn't seem to have done the trick. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:02, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Maybe try some test text instead? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:04, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::I can. Seems like your hack should work, per [[mw:Manual:Interface/Edit notice]], tho. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:05, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::Maybe file a phab report? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:07, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::I fixed it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:12, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Could you also protect the page so only I and Administrators can edit it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:50, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::No, there's no way to do that, other than by manually blocking that one page from every user who isn't an admin or you. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:53, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:
{| style=&quot;border: 1px solid gray; background-color: #fdffe7;&quot;
|rowspan=&quot;2&quot; style=&quot;vertical-align:middle;&quot; | [[File:SpecialBarnstar.png|100px]]
|rowspan=&quot;2&quot; |
|style=&quot;font-size: x-large; padding: 0; vertical-align: middle; height: 1.1em;&quot; | '''The Special Barnstar'''
|-
|style=&quot;vertical-align: middle; border-top: 1px solid gray;&quot; | For actually doing this, I think most other Administrators take themselves to far too seriously to do something like this.
|} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:29, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

:Thanks kindly. I'm here to serve. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:35, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

== Merge fork ==

Could you merge my fork of [[Joe Biden]] into the main page (revisions included)? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:59, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

:Probably, but you have to meet me half-way here and link to said fork. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:03, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::[[User:Ilovemydoodle/forks/Main/Joe Biden]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:05, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::&quot;No revisions can be merged.&quot; —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:09, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Why? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:16, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::¯\_(ツ)_/¯ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:17, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::Try now. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:19, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::&quot;No revisions can be merged.&quot; —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:35, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Maybe try importing them instead? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:37, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::How? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:37, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Okay I figured it, this might sound strange, but it should work, merge [[Joe Biden]] into my fork, delete the original [[Joe Biden]] page and then move my fork to [[Joe Biden]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:49, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::&quot;Source revisions overlap or come after destination revisions.&quot; You should just edit the main article. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:00, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::{{done}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:04, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::Also, do you have any work for me to do on Wikiquote? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:05, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::Wow, great question. I think the best thing that can happen here is if someone helps to bring more [[m:Structured Wikiquote|structure and semantics to Wikiquote]]. On a structural level, that is beyond any one person fixing, but anyone can add templates, metadata, etc. E.g. if you cite a source, include a citation template or use proper list semantics, such as not putting line breaks between bullets in a list. That and adding accessibility features like [[:w:en:WP:ALT|alt text]] are important issues to me. Thanks for asking and for all you do around here. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:50, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::I have been doing some of these things for while now, I will continue to do so also doing the other things you mentioned, but I was mainly looking for one or two shorter tasks to do now. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:10, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::Hi {{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, in terms of work to do on Wikiquote:
*[[:Category:Wikiquote no intro]] need intros
*[[:Category:Video games]]' contents needs sorting into categories by year
*[[:Category:Wikiquote cleanup]] has hundreds of articles needing cleanup
*[[Flooding]] could potentially be an article rather than redirect, not 100 percent sure though, depends on quotability.
*There are many entire countries with no article yet. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 16:46, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::Also thank you again Koavf for the admin/maintenance work. I hope we get to see you back at enwiki eventually. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 19:21, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::Thanks, RC! —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:46, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::No worries. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 19:51, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

== Feature ==

Help, I really needed a feature added that lets a Template tell which skin your using. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:58, 19 June 2022 (UTC)

:Wow, I have no idea how to do that. You want to be a thrid party that knows which skin someone is using? I'm not sure that is an option. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:09, 19 June 2022 (UTC)
::I really need it, apparently the background of my talk page break certain features, but only on one skin, and after fixing now it only works on that skin and doesn't work on others, so I really need this fixed, maybe something using css files? 

::Edit: I figured it out, just add some css to the css file for each skin:

::* [[Mediawiki:vector.css]]
::* [[Mediawiki:vector-2022.css]]
::* [[Mediawiki:minerva.css]]
::* [[Mediawiki:monobook.css]]
::* [[Mediawiki:timeless.css]]

::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:55, 19 June 2022 (UTC)
:::{{ping|koavf}} [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:23, 20 June 2022 (UTC)
::::I'm confused why you're pinging me. You just wrote, &quot;I figured it out&quot;, so I thought there was no action for me here. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:35, 20 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::No, I meant that I figured out how YOU can fix it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:52, 20 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::What do you want me to insert in the CSS files? I'm reluctant to do this as it will modify the site for all users, but I'm not entirely opposed. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:03, 20 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::Just make it you have something that only appears when that skin is active.

:::::::Edit: You can do this by making something invisible in common.css and then setting it visible in the skin’s css file. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:05, 20 June 2022 (UTC)

== Feature request ==

Could you make a very useful JavaScript hack for me? Ping me when your ready and I'll give you more information. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 16:21, 23 June 2022 (UTC)

:I'm putting something on my calendar for next weekend--I'm busy this weekend. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:42, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
::Could you please do the other request above, though? (I really need it for something) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:44, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
:::All of them exist except one. I'll add a comment to it and then I suppose that resolves it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:53, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
::::No I mean in each file could you put:
::::&lt;code&gt;span.show-[skin name here] {display: initial;}&lt;/code&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;code&gt;span.hide-[skin name here] {display: none;}&lt;/code&gt;
::::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:00, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::No, I'm not sure what that will do. I'm trying to think of how that would appear in CSS and that seems like it would not display the user preferences. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 21:01, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::Well, you just add this code to common.css for each skin:
::::::&lt;code&gt;span.show-[skin name here] {display: none;}&lt;/code&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;code&gt;span.hide-[skin name here] {display: initial;}&lt;/code&gt;
::::::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:03, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::I'm reluctant to do that becuase of the concerns above. Do you have an example wiki where someone did this? I don't want to tinker with site-wide CSS without a really good reason. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 21:04, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Well, I can't think of any other wiki, but this IS quite important. On my user page I implemented a feature that perfectly well for me, but another user informed me that it didn't work in one skin, so I made one for that skin, but it only worked in that skin, so I need some code to differentiate between skins. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:10, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Could please give me more information about this? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:08, 25 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::If I edit site-wide CSS, that will impact all users with a given skin. So I want to be very conservative about doing that and I don't want to even experiment, lest I mess up someone's view of the site. If you have examples of other wikis doing this or can justify why you need it done with some clarity, then maybe I can help you. Better yet woudl be community consensus. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:15, 25 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::Basically, I want a feature where I can create a span with the class &quot;[Skin Name Here]-show&quot; and it will only show it for users viewing in that skin, there would also be a &quot;[Skin Name Here]-hide&quot; which would do the reverse. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:24, 25 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::And I need to have a greater justification than just your personal preference before I tinker with site-wide CSS. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:44, 25 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::A lot of Templates need different code for each skin to display properly. Also, I don't see any harm in adding this. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:46, 25 June 2022 (UTC)

== Response time ==

Is there anyway to have a discussion in real-time? I would like to have several long discussions about feature requests, but that's not really doable if it takes days between each comment. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:23, 26 June 2022 (UTC)

:I have really only used Gchat (or whatever it's called now) for IMing, but sure. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:31, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::What is Gchat? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:32, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::Google's IMing, associated with Gmail. Again, it's been called a million things. Hangouts now? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:33, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Any WMF way of live chat? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:33, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::I think Matrix: [[m:matrix]]. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:38, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::I keep hearing about &quot;libera chat&quot;, is it what I want? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:40, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::Correct. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:29, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::So, could you explain what it is and how to do what I am requesting with it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:31, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::I've never used it. I just know that it's the replacement for IRC (which I very rarely used). —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:47, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::What’s IRC again? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:52, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::{{w|Internet Relay Chat}}, which was more-or-less popular as a group chat option for decades and the best server for it, {{w|Freenode}} was bought by a jerk, so everyone jumped ship to Libera. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:06, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::How does libera work? Would it be good for what I want? And, do you have an account there? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:08, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::It's a good chat service, as I understand it and would meet your needs. I've never used it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:13, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::Can you create an account? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:48, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::Sure, if that's the method you want to use. I'm here to help. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 07:00, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::::What is the name of your account? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:05, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::@koavf:matrix.org —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:05, 27 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::::::{{ping|koavf}} I mean on libera. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:38, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::::Gotcha. I haven't made one yet. I can when I'm free-er. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 12:52, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::::::::When will that be? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:53, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::::::I have a calendar reminder for the following weekend (i.e. not in a few days but a week and a half). —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 12:58, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::::::::::I am wondering if we can do it today instead? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:07, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::::::::I cannot. I have a busy-ish day and a very busy day tomorrow. To the extent that I can screw around on the Internet, it has to be pretty limited. I'm happy to meet at a time that's mutually convenient, of course. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 13:10, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
{{Outdent|::::::::::}}Thank you! When your ready I have a lot to discuss. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:17, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
:Also, when your ready, could you leave a message saying so on my Talk Page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:03, 4 July 2022 (UTC)
::Can do. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:11, 4 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Can you just send me a calendar invite if you need to chat? I'm afraid that it's hard for me to make the time. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:03, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::I am not sure how to do that, do you mean like mentally, or on Wikiquote? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:54, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::Sorry, I meant to my email address: justinkoavf[littleanarchysymbol][google's email service][period]com. If you can't do that or don't want to share your email address with me, then please let me know. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:14, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::I have had my email address removed a long time ago due to abuse, so I can't use my email. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:18, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::You can't email me directly? That's fine. When would you like to chat? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:35, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::When ever you’re ready to implement a lot of stuff. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:38, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Also, which Template de-indents a discussion? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:58, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::{{tl|outdent}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:04, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Do you have any set date that you would be willing to help implement (or at-least begin the implementation of) a lot of features? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:28, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Unfortunately, I'm busy with work and personal things in July, so I've had a hard time setting a time. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 00:34, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::Also, why did you obfuscate your email address? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:24, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::What is &quot;[littleanarchysymbol]&quot;? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:12, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::Obfuscated for bots. [littleanarchysymbol] = &quot;@&quot;. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 00:34, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::I’m confused, what do you mean obfuscated for bots? Also, if it's obfuscated how I am meant to read it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:49, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::So that a bot couldn't harvest it and spam me. You may be able to read it because you can decode things that a bot can't. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:48, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Oh. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:03, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

== Bug fix ==

In [[Special:ListUsers]] &quot;Administrator&quot; is capitalized, on all other wikis (including Wikipedia) it is lower case. Could you please fix this? You could do this by either making it lower case, or by capitalizing all User Rights. (the second option is the one I prefer) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:28, 26 June 2022 (UTC)

:But all of them are upper case now, so at least that's consistent. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:31, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::Oh wait, I see. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:32, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:I think fixing it would require recreating [[MediaWiki:Administrators]] and making it lower-case, but I'm not sure of all the places where it would be changed. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:34, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::I don't see the problem with doing that. Also, if you prefer it capitalized, you could just capitalize all User Groups. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:36, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::Because it may be transcluded other places where it shouldn't be capitalized. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:37, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Well, it's just fine on en.wp. Also, which option do you prefer? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:39, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::I have no strong feelings on this and while I am actually usually very in favor of consistency and proper usage, this one doesn't bother me much. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:29, 26 June 2022 (UTC)

== A question for you ==

If you ever get unblocked from enwiki, will you still regularly contribute here? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:46, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

:For sure. I plan on it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:13, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

== Issue with your archive page ==

A lot of users used &lt;code&gt;&lt;nowiki&gt;{{PAGENAME}}&lt;/nowiki&gt;&lt;/code&gt; instead &lt;code&gt;koavf&lt;/code&gt; on your Talk Page, so when you archived the page it now says &quot;Hi koavf/archive001&quot; instead of just &quot;Hi koavf.&quot; Could you fix this? (I can't since you protected the page) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:05, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

:Sure, thanks. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 00:34, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

== Rollback vote ==

Could you vote [[Wikiquote:Requests for Rollback/Ilovemydoodle|here]]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:51, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

== Protection request ==

Could you protect [[User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive 1|this page]] so only admins can edit? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 09:34, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive 1|This page]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:15, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::Still isn’t done. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:40, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Wait why is the page gone? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:48, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::::It's back. The easiest way to delete dozens of revisions is to delete the entire page and then un-delete the revisions that you want. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:50, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::Ohhhhhhhh. I was really confused why you were deleting the whole page. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:55, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::Koavf, could you do a full cleansing of the page? What I mean is removing all vandal revisions to the very beginning (even those already revdeled), and then also removing the reverts of those revisions as well. Could you do this? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:15, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::That should be most of them. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:20, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Could you also remove the undos of vandalism? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:23, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Nothing even displays: https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive_1&amp;diff=next&amp;oldid=3139360 Is this really necessary? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:25, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::I would like to do it, to reduce clutter and potential for confusion, so, yes. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:32, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::Thank you, Koavf! – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:51, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

== Protected edit request ==

Could you change [[Template:Test4]] to redirect to [[Template:Uw-vandalism4]] to match Wikipedia? Also, to make the progression to 4im make more sense. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:34, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

== Abuse Filter ==

: ''{{ping|Antandrus}} Could you also give your comment on this?''

Could you add the following terms to the Abuse Filter:

* VKKSTUPID (any capitalization)
* VKKSTUPIDITY (any capitalization)
* AANT (any capitalization)
* AANTANDRUS (any capitalization)
* encyclopediadramatica.online (any capitalization)
* g'p (any capitalization)
* g’p (any capitalization)
* encyclopediadr'matica (any capitalization)
* Antandrus david (any capitalization)
* Ilovemycock (any capitalization)
* Ilovemycok (any capitalization)
* Ethandeath (any capitalization)
* Antdeath (any capitalization)
* ANTANDRUS FUCK BUDDY (any capitalization)
* ANTANDRUS FUKBUDDY (any capitalization)
* FUKBUDDY (any capitalization)
* WP:BOYS (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* Chicago Boys (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* Wikidiot (any capitalization)
* Wikiidiot (any capitalization)
* WMFloser (any capitalization)
* Wikiloser (any capitalization)
* Wikipedo (any capitalization)
* Wikipedoa (any capitalization)
* PAVLOL (any capitalization)
* pause for breath (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* HAHAHA (specified capitalization only)
* ANT COCK (any capitalization)
* GLOBLALY (any capitalization)
* da clock (any capitalization)
* archive.is (any capitalization)
* archive.ph (any capitalization)
* ATTAX (any capitalization)
* REMOVETD (any capitalization)
* JAN PAWEŁ (any capitalization)
* WMF squm (any capitalization)
* 'n' (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* WMFhomopedo (any capitalization)
* as proven! (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* ilovemydoodle = (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* G-R-P (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* GLOBAL BAN EVADER (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* ANT-ANDRUS (any capitalization)
* AANT-ANDRUS (any capitalization)
* ILOVEMYDOODLE LOVES (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* a r c h i v e (any capitalization)
* WMFVOMIT (any capitalization)
* WMFCANCER (any capitalization)
* the fodder (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* THANX (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* THX (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* all is saved (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* forever blocked (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* blocked loser (any capitalization)
* fuckbuddy ant (any capitalization)
* fuckbuddy antandrus (any capitalization)
* antandr's (any capitalization)
* HAHAHAHAHA (specified capitalization only)
* PAUSE FOR BREATH (specified capitalization only)
* O YEA (specified capitalization only)
* o yea (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* yea YEA (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* U CANT SLEEP (any capitalization)
* ANT-STN (any capitalization)
* ency'lopediadram'tica (any capitalization)
* GLOBA LOSER (any capitalization)
* GLOBAL LOSER (any capitalization)
* IN YOUR FACES (specified capitalization only)
* in your faces (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* vvkrejects (any capitalization)
* VVK (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* IN YO FACES (any capitalization)
* vvkhypocrite (any capitalization)
* FOFFER (any capitalization)
* real life stalker (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* REAL LIFE STALKER (specified capitalization only)
* DEFYING LOGIC (specified capitalization only)
* FOR WMF (specified capitalization only)
* globally blocked lta (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* GLOBALLY BLOCKED LTA (specified capitalization only)
* WMF RESPECT (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* wikitruth (any capitalization)
* wmf stands for (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* wmf stand for (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* WMF STANDS FOR (specified capitalization only)
* WMF STAND FOR (specified capitalization only)
* I LOVE MY COCK (any capitalization)
* wmf total (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* WMF TOTAL (specified capitalization only)
* fight u (any capitalization)
* ET AL (specified capitalization only)
* zero brains (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* BL*TANT (any capitalization)
* utm*st (any capitalization)
* UTMOST (specified capitalization only)
* Suckpuppet (any capitalization)
* wikihomopedoia (any capitalization)
* ED loser (any capitalization)
* HAHAHAHAHAHA (specified capitalization only)
* AKA (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* VVKLOSER (any capitalization)
– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:46, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

:I've edited the abuse filter before, but I'm not a whiz at it. Note that blocking edits outright based on some of these filters would certainly disrupt standard editing. I feel like this is probably not the best way to stop vandalism and would want to get more consensus from the community. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:52, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
::How about you block the ones that are obviously vandalism entirely. And the potentially good-faith ones could be allowed only for autoconfirmed. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:17, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I'd still want a broader consensus. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:22, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Also, could you protect [[Wikiquote:Village pump archive 60|this page]]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:24, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
:Imagine what GRP would do if when he next logs in Wikiquote using one of his 50 trillion VPNs, and all of his favorite buzzwords get blocked by the Abuse Filter. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:56, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
::Again, please post to the Village Pump to get consensus. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:15, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
:::{{done}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:44, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

== Quick fix needed ==

Could you please create [[MediaWiki:Dot-separator|this page]]? It's needed for a lot of templates on Wikipedia, so when I import them, they don't work. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:04, 11 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:16, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::Question: how do you import revisions? I regularly import templates from Wikipedia, so it would be nice to be able to import the revisions too. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:39, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::[[Special:Import]], if you are an admin. You are not importing, you're just copying and pasting, which is fine as long as you give attribution in the edit summary or the talk page. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:43, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Is there anyway to import '''without''' being an admin? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:45, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::No, just ask an admin to do it. Again, it's fine to completely reproduce any of the content from any WMF project anywhere, it just requires attribution. The problem with copy/paste &quot;importing&quot; is that it may not import all dependencies. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:49, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::Well, I know how to import dependencies, I would just like the ability to import revisions too, as I import hundreds of templates regularly. Also, when copying I often forget to attribute. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:54, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::If you forget, in practice, it's not the biggest deal in the world, but you really should post a note on the talk page saying where it came from and how someone could find attribution at the original source. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:55, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Well, according to [[w:WP:IMPORTS|this]], there is a group for &lt;code&gt;import&lt;/code&gt;, just like &lt;code&gt;rollback&lt;/code&gt;. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:59, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Heads up that it's [[:w:en:Help:Import]] or [[:w:en:WP:IMPORT]]. In theory, we can activate importer and transwiki importers here, but we [[Special:ListUsers/import|don't have any]] and I personally can't do it, as it requires a bureaucrat. Generally, import rights outside of being an admin is rare and reserved for weird circumstances (e.g. a user on en.wp who has access to very old server logs and imports edits from 2001 occasionally). —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:04, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Can I make a request? And, if so, where? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:19, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::You can request import at the admin's noticeboard. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:25, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::{{done}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:40, 11 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

Could please revdel these two revisions? (they are both by the same vandal)
* [[Special:Diff/3140786|1]]
* [[Special:Diff/3140787|2]]
– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:08, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:10, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::Second one too? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:12, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I think you forgot the second one. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:10, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Check again. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:06, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Kim_Il-sung&amp;oldid=3140787 Still there] – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:20, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::Gotcha. I deleted the edit summary. Thanks: hate speech has no place here except in the context of historically meaningful and educational quotations.o —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:33, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::Could you also give feedback to my question on the village pump? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:36, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

== Protection request ==

Could you protect [[User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive 1|this page]] so only admins can edit? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:11, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} I already did that. Now I've done it twice. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:07, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

== Question about the abuse filter ==

Can importing revisions ever trigger the abuse filter? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:19, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

:Probably? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 14:35, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::Which user right (not group) allows you to bypass the abuse filter? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:01, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I don't know anything more than this: [[:mw:Extension:AbuseFilter#User_rights]]. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 15:55, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Who would know more about this? Should I ping Aklapper? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:13, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::Possibly. I think a lot of folks on en.wp would know. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:31, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::I already asked a few hours ago on the help desk, still no response. I also asked on meta, also no response. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:33, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::I got two answers, here: [[m:Special:Diff/23515465|meta]], [[w:Special:Diff/1097930390|wikipedia]]. So the answer (thankfully) appears to be no. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:52, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

== Importer proposal ==

Could you give me feedback on my importer proposal? (not for/against, just about improving the proposal) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:54, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

== &lt;s&gt;Emergency&lt;/s&gt; ==

&lt;s&gt;QOTD missing!&lt;/s&gt; {{done}} by Kalki. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:01, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

== Question about my import proposal ==

Some of the permissions I know for sure are needed, for others I am pretty sure, and a few are just guesses. So, do you know who specifically I could ask about this? This would make sure that ones that are not needed can be removed, and that needed ones that are not listed can be added. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:47, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

:I don't have a recommendation on this, no. It's your proposal: you can make it however you want. You just need to be clear and explain your reasoning. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 11:16, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

== &lt;s&gt;QOTD&lt;/s&gt;==

&lt;s&gt;QOTD is missing!&lt;/s&gt; {{done}} by Kalki. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:22, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Question about my requests to you that could be asked more generally on VP or AN ==

Are you okay with this, or does it bother you? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:32, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

:If the worst thing that happens to me here is that someone is too enthusiastic, that's a good problem to have. I like your edits and interest in helping out. I just want to make sure that any kind of radical changes get larger community support. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:37, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:Contributions/Mr. Dick Pump|These two edits]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:28, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 14:56, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:contribs/2001:E68:6125:E800:9458:3779:9236:6072|Three edit summaries]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:16, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 14:57, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:contribs/2603:6010:c600:a8:40c4:fa43:6b2d:63ac|Three revisions]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:00, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

:&lt;small&gt;([[:w:WP:TPS|talk page stalker]])&lt;/small&gt; {{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, {{done}} but only one revision. The others aren't eligible for revdel. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 20:12, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

== Potential issue with import proposal ==

If the page has already been imported manually and changed since, but the page on the wiki you are importing from has also been changed, then the merge will fail. So is there any kind of right that I could that would let you remove a revision? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:04, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

:Just being an admin. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:02, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
::Does the database keep track of if an edit is imported? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:09, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I'm not certain. From what I've seen, it's seamless. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:49, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
::::I mean in the backend. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:59, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::I'm not sure. I would think so. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 21:13, 16 July 2022 (UTC)

== Online ==

Are you online right now? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:32, 16 July 2022 (UTC)

:I'll have a little availability, but I'm getting sleepy actually--I've been sick lately. :/ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:02, 16 July 2022 (UTC)

== Online ==

Are you still online? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:02, 16 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:Diff/3143353|This]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:53, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:51, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

== Bureaucrat ==

I wanted to nominate you for bureaucrat, but I could not think of enough reasons for a full nomination. Could you nominate yourself? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:22, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{not done}} I'm pretty busy now, so picking up extra responsibility seems like a bad idea. :/ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:51, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
::Later? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:52, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Maybe! —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:59, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:Diff/3121426|This]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:32, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:38, 19 July 2022 (UTC)

== Hounding ==

I have noticed that a particular new editor here seems to be here only in discussion pages, which is fine in my opinion, but they appear to particularly targeting me (voting against various proposals, listing pages for deletion, etc.), and haven't been doing any mainspsce editing or editing in other discussions, does this count as hounding? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:37, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{ping|AC9016}} Do you agree? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:38, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:It could be. I haven't seen this behavior yet. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 15:42, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
::[[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|Here]] – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:44, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I have not observed this behavior either. My time on Wikiquote is overwhelmingly spent on creating and editing pages. --[[User:AC9016|AC9016]] ([[User talk:AC9016|talk]]) 15:57, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I see you posted to his talk, so let's see where that goes. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 15:58, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

== Strikethrough templates ==

Templates what is your opinion on {{t|Ds}}, {{t|Ts}}, and {{t|Qs}}? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:52, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

:It's not obvious to me why these exist. If you need to semantically mark up that something is deleted or struck, then we have those options, so why do we need to visually have a template that strikes something four times? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 07:48, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

== Availability ==

When do you think you could help with the js feature requests previously mentioned? Thanks. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:04, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

:Which one again? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:11, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
::Not specifically one, several small ones over IRC. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:16, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Oh, not anytime soon. Sorry. :/
:::I have work, school, and travel. I am happy to do continued maintenance on projects where I am an admin (e.g. here), but doing anything ambitious is on an indefinite hold. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:18, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Not that big, only small to medium additions. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:22, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

== AN Archives ==

Hello. I noticed that you sysop-protected [[Wikiquote:Administrators' noticeboard/Archive/037]] but this is blocking [[Special:Contribs/MABot|my bot]] from archiving the [[WQ:AN]] as requested. Would you prefer if I start archiving in [[Wikiquote:Administrators' noticeboard/Archive/038]] instead? If this is due to vandalism, an AbuseFilter could be created to avoid subpages of the AN to be editted by anyone but sysops and bots. Regards, --[[User:MarcoAurelio|MarcoAurelio]] ([[User talk:MarcoAurelio|talk]]) 11:10, 28 July 2022 (UTC)

:Maybe your bot can just be an admin? I'm not a bureaucrat, so I can't do it unilaterally, but you're a trusted user, so I don't see that as being a problem. I'll unprotect for now. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 16:30, 28 July 2022 (UTC)
::Thank you. I appreciate your words, but I do not think my bot should have +sysop as it is very dangerous. Bots can, however, edit pages protected up to the autoconfirmed level so if vandalism on that page is an issue you may reprotect it to the &quot;edit: autoconfirmed&quot; level and my bot won't have troubles with bypassing that restriction. Regards, --[[User:MarcoAurelio|MarcoAurelio]] ([[User talk:MarcoAurelio|talk]]) 10:45, 29 July 2022 (UTC)

== Hello ==

I would like to inform you that I have returned here after three weeks.

I mainly left due to the large-scale deletion of my templates and modules, most of which was unjustified. I would like to have these undeleted so the issues with templates can be properly addressed, rather than just deleting them. I would like to start by having these templates undeleted:
* [[Template:T]]
* [[Template:Blockedreason]]
* [[Template:Removed]] (and [[Template:Vote removed]])
Do you think you help with this? And, if so, could you add some-sort-of messaging saying that it is currently being worked-on and should ''not'' be immediately re-VfD'd? Thanks. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:44, 11 August 2022 (UTC)

:Welcome. I would recommend starting with the admins who deleted them and see if they think for some reason there was an error or something was deleted out of process. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:50, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
::I am not saying that is out of error, I just think that I can ''easily'' fix the issues that were given as the reason for deletion. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:52, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
:::Also, you would need to undelete the associated sub-pages. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:53, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
:::Sure, well I would still start with the deleting admin. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:55, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
::::{{done}} added a link to this discussion. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:58, 11 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>6g04x3exq08bvcjmf14uxuqh8askkgm</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153628</id>
      <parentid>3153618</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T18:17:41Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ilovemydoodle</username>
        <id>3120156</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Hello */ Reply</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="74544" xml:space="preserve">{{User talk:Koavf/Template:Archive}}
&lt;!-- Please leave comments below this line. --&gt;

== Template:Username ==

Could you please make [[Template:Username]] show the User’s name? I need it for several Templates. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:19, 12 June 2022 (UTC)

:What do you have in mind? Does {{tl|Ping}} not work? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:53, 12 June 2022 (UTC)
::I mean the user viewing it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:56, 12 June 2022 (UTC)
:::{{ping|Kalki}} [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:12, 13 June 2022 (UTC)
:::{{ping|koavf}}
::::I have no idea what you need. What would the template do? How would you use it? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:42, 13 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::A template that displays the username or IP address of the user viewing it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:49, 13 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::Do you have an example on another wiki that does this? I recalled that there was a magic word for this, but I can't seem to find it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:45, 13 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::No, but this is still a very useful *potential* feature. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:45, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

== Request to add Editnotice ==

Could you add [[User:Ilovemydoodle/FakeBlockMessage|this]] Editnotice to my User and User Talk pages? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:38, 15 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} Are you sure you want that message? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:39, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::Yes. Thank you, you are the best admin. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:52, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::Also, it isn't showing up, could you fix this?

::Edit: I think you need to create the page [[Mediawiki:Editnotice-2-Ilovemydoodle|here]] (and [[Mediawiki:Editnotice-3-Ilovemydoodle|here]] for the Talk Page) for it to actually work. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:54, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::That doesn't seem to have done the trick. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:02, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Maybe try some test text instead? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:04, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::I can. Seems like your hack should work, per [[mw:Manual:Interface/Edit notice]], tho. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:05, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::Maybe file a phab report? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:07, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::I fixed it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:12, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Could you also protect the page so only I and Administrators can edit it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:50, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::No, there's no way to do that, other than by manually blocking that one page from every user who isn't an admin or you. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:53, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:
{| style=&quot;border: 1px solid gray; background-color: #fdffe7;&quot;
|rowspan=&quot;2&quot; style=&quot;vertical-align:middle;&quot; | [[File:SpecialBarnstar.png|100px]]
|rowspan=&quot;2&quot; |
|style=&quot;font-size: x-large; padding: 0; vertical-align: middle; height: 1.1em;&quot; | '''The Special Barnstar'''
|-
|style=&quot;vertical-align: middle; border-top: 1px solid gray;&quot; | For actually doing this, I think most other Administrators take themselves to far too seriously to do something like this.
|} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:29, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

:Thanks kindly. I'm here to serve. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:35, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

== Merge fork ==

Could you merge my fork of [[Joe Biden]] into the main page (revisions included)? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:59, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

:Probably, but you have to meet me half-way here and link to said fork. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:03, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::[[User:Ilovemydoodle/forks/Main/Joe Biden]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:05, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::&quot;No revisions can be merged.&quot; —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:09, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Why? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:16, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::¯\_(ツ)_/¯ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:17, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::Try now. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:19, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::&quot;No revisions can be merged.&quot; —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:35, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Maybe try importing them instead? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:37, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::How? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:37, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Okay I figured it, this might sound strange, but it should work, merge [[Joe Biden]] into my fork, delete the original [[Joe Biden]] page and then move my fork to [[Joe Biden]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:49, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::&quot;Source revisions overlap or come after destination revisions.&quot; You should just edit the main article. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:00, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::{{done}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:04, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::Also, do you have any work for me to do on Wikiquote? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:05, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::Wow, great question. I think the best thing that can happen here is if someone helps to bring more [[m:Structured Wikiquote|structure and semantics to Wikiquote]]. On a structural level, that is beyond any one person fixing, but anyone can add templates, metadata, etc. E.g. if you cite a source, include a citation template or use proper list semantics, such as not putting line breaks between bullets in a list. That and adding accessibility features like [[:w:en:WP:ALT|alt text]] are important issues to me. Thanks for asking and for all you do around here. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:50, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::I have been doing some of these things for while now, I will continue to do so also doing the other things you mentioned, but I was mainly looking for one or two shorter tasks to do now. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:10, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::Hi {{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, in terms of work to do on Wikiquote:
*[[:Category:Wikiquote no intro]] need intros
*[[:Category:Video games]]' contents needs sorting into categories by year
*[[:Category:Wikiquote cleanup]] has hundreds of articles needing cleanup
*[[Flooding]] could potentially be an article rather than redirect, not 100 percent sure though, depends on quotability.
*There are many entire countries with no article yet. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 16:46, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::Also thank you again Koavf for the admin/maintenance work. I hope we get to see you back at enwiki eventually. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 19:21, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::Thanks, RC! —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:46, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::No worries. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 19:51, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

== Feature ==

Help, I really needed a feature added that lets a Template tell which skin your using. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:58, 19 June 2022 (UTC)

:Wow, I have no idea how to do that. You want to be a thrid party that knows which skin someone is using? I'm not sure that is an option. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:09, 19 June 2022 (UTC)
::I really need it, apparently the background of my talk page break certain features, but only on one skin, and after fixing now it only works on that skin and doesn't work on others, so I really need this fixed, maybe something using css files? 

::Edit: I figured it out, just add some css to the css file for each skin:

::* [[Mediawiki:vector.css]]
::* [[Mediawiki:vector-2022.css]]
::* [[Mediawiki:minerva.css]]
::* [[Mediawiki:monobook.css]]
::* [[Mediawiki:timeless.css]]

::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:55, 19 June 2022 (UTC)
:::{{ping|koavf}} [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:23, 20 June 2022 (UTC)
::::I'm confused why you're pinging me. You just wrote, &quot;I figured it out&quot;, so I thought there was no action for me here. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:35, 20 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::No, I meant that I figured out how YOU can fix it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:52, 20 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::What do you want me to insert in the CSS files? I'm reluctant to do this as it will modify the site for all users, but I'm not entirely opposed. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:03, 20 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::Just make it you have something that only appears when that skin is active.

:::::::Edit: You can do this by making something invisible in common.css and then setting it visible in the skin’s css file. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:05, 20 June 2022 (UTC)

== Feature request ==

Could you make a very useful JavaScript hack for me? Ping me when your ready and I'll give you more information. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 16:21, 23 June 2022 (UTC)

:I'm putting something on my calendar for next weekend--I'm busy this weekend. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:42, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
::Could you please do the other request above, though? (I really need it for something) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:44, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
:::All of them exist except one. I'll add a comment to it and then I suppose that resolves it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:53, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
::::No I mean in each file could you put:
::::&lt;code&gt;span.show-[skin name here] {display: initial;}&lt;/code&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;code&gt;span.hide-[skin name here] {display: none;}&lt;/code&gt;
::::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:00, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::No, I'm not sure what that will do. I'm trying to think of how that would appear in CSS and that seems like it would not display the user preferences. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 21:01, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::Well, you just add this code to common.css for each skin:
::::::&lt;code&gt;span.show-[skin name here] {display: none;}&lt;/code&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;code&gt;span.hide-[skin name here] {display: initial;}&lt;/code&gt;
::::::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:03, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::I'm reluctant to do that becuase of the concerns above. Do you have an example wiki where someone did this? I don't want to tinker with site-wide CSS without a really good reason. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 21:04, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Well, I can't think of any other wiki, but this IS quite important. On my user page I implemented a feature that perfectly well for me, but another user informed me that it didn't work in one skin, so I made one for that skin, but it only worked in that skin, so I need some code to differentiate between skins. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:10, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Could please give me more information about this? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:08, 25 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::If I edit site-wide CSS, that will impact all users with a given skin. So I want to be very conservative about doing that and I don't want to even experiment, lest I mess up someone's view of the site. If you have examples of other wikis doing this or can justify why you need it done with some clarity, then maybe I can help you. Better yet woudl be community consensus. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:15, 25 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::Basically, I want a feature where I can create a span with the class &quot;[Skin Name Here]-show&quot; and it will only show it for users viewing in that skin, there would also be a &quot;[Skin Name Here]-hide&quot; which would do the reverse. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:24, 25 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::And I need to have a greater justification than just your personal preference before I tinker with site-wide CSS. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:44, 25 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::A lot of Templates need different code for each skin to display properly. Also, I don't see any harm in adding this. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:46, 25 June 2022 (UTC)

== Response time ==

Is there anyway to have a discussion in real-time? I would like to have several long discussions about feature requests, but that's not really doable if it takes days between each comment. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:23, 26 June 2022 (UTC)

:I have really only used Gchat (or whatever it's called now) for IMing, but sure. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:31, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::What is Gchat? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:32, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::Google's IMing, associated with Gmail. Again, it's been called a million things. Hangouts now? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:33, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Any WMF way of live chat? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:33, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::I think Matrix: [[m:matrix]]. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:38, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::I keep hearing about &quot;libera chat&quot;, is it what I want? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:40, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::Correct. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:29, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::So, could you explain what it is and how to do what I am requesting with it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:31, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::I've never used it. I just know that it's the replacement for IRC (which I very rarely used). —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:47, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::What’s IRC again? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:52, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::{{w|Internet Relay Chat}}, which was more-or-less popular as a group chat option for decades and the best server for it, {{w|Freenode}} was bought by a jerk, so everyone jumped ship to Libera. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:06, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::How does libera work? Would it be good for what I want? And, do you have an account there? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:08, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::It's a good chat service, as I understand it and would meet your needs. I've never used it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:13, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::Can you create an account? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:48, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::Sure, if that's the method you want to use. I'm here to help. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 07:00, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::::What is the name of your account? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:05, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::@koavf:matrix.org —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:05, 27 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::::::{{ping|koavf}} I mean on libera. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:38, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::::Gotcha. I haven't made one yet. I can when I'm free-er. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 12:52, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::::::::When will that be? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:53, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::::::I have a calendar reminder for the following weekend (i.e. not in a few days but a week and a half). —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 12:58, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::::::::::I am wondering if we can do it today instead? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:07, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::::::::I cannot. I have a busy-ish day and a very busy day tomorrow. To the extent that I can screw around on the Internet, it has to be pretty limited. I'm happy to meet at a time that's mutually convenient, of course. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 13:10, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
{{Outdent|::::::::::}}Thank you! When your ready I have a lot to discuss. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:17, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
:Also, when your ready, could you leave a message saying so on my Talk Page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:03, 4 July 2022 (UTC)
::Can do. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:11, 4 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Can you just send me a calendar invite if you need to chat? I'm afraid that it's hard for me to make the time. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:03, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::I am not sure how to do that, do you mean like mentally, or on Wikiquote? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:54, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::Sorry, I meant to my email address: justinkoavf[littleanarchysymbol][google's email service][period]com. If you can't do that or don't want to share your email address with me, then please let me know. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:14, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::I have had my email address removed a long time ago due to abuse, so I can't use my email. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:18, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::You can't email me directly? That's fine. When would you like to chat? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:35, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::When ever you’re ready to implement a lot of stuff. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:38, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Also, which Template de-indents a discussion? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:58, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::{{tl|outdent}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:04, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Do you have any set date that you would be willing to help implement (or at-least begin the implementation of) a lot of features? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:28, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Unfortunately, I'm busy with work and personal things in July, so I've had a hard time setting a time. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 00:34, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::Also, why did you obfuscate your email address? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:24, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::What is &quot;[littleanarchysymbol]&quot;? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:12, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::Obfuscated for bots. [littleanarchysymbol] = &quot;@&quot;. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 00:34, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::I’m confused, what do you mean obfuscated for bots? Also, if it's obfuscated how I am meant to read it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:49, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::So that a bot couldn't harvest it and spam me. You may be able to read it because you can decode things that a bot can't. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:48, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Oh. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:03, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

== Bug fix ==

In [[Special:ListUsers]] &quot;Administrator&quot; is capitalized, on all other wikis (including Wikipedia) it is lower case. Could you please fix this? You could do this by either making it lower case, or by capitalizing all User Rights. (the second option is the one I prefer) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:28, 26 June 2022 (UTC)

:But all of them are upper case now, so at least that's consistent. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:31, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::Oh wait, I see. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:32, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:I think fixing it would require recreating [[MediaWiki:Administrators]] and making it lower-case, but I'm not sure of all the places where it would be changed. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:34, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::I don't see the problem with doing that. Also, if you prefer it capitalized, you could just capitalize all User Groups. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:36, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::Because it may be transcluded other places where it shouldn't be capitalized. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:37, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Well, it's just fine on en.wp. Also, which option do you prefer? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:39, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::I have no strong feelings on this and while I am actually usually very in favor of consistency and proper usage, this one doesn't bother me much. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:29, 26 June 2022 (UTC)

== A question for you ==

If you ever get unblocked from enwiki, will you still regularly contribute here? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:46, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

:For sure. I plan on it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:13, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

== Issue with your archive page ==

A lot of users used &lt;code&gt;&lt;nowiki&gt;{{PAGENAME}}&lt;/nowiki&gt;&lt;/code&gt; instead &lt;code&gt;koavf&lt;/code&gt; on your Talk Page, so when you archived the page it now says &quot;Hi koavf/archive001&quot; instead of just &quot;Hi koavf.&quot; Could you fix this? (I can't since you protected the page) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:05, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

:Sure, thanks. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 00:34, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

== Rollback vote ==

Could you vote [[Wikiquote:Requests for Rollback/Ilovemydoodle|here]]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:51, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

== Protection request ==

Could you protect [[User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive 1|this page]] so only admins can edit? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 09:34, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive 1|This page]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:15, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::Still isn’t done. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:40, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Wait why is the page gone? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:48, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::::It's back. The easiest way to delete dozens of revisions is to delete the entire page and then un-delete the revisions that you want. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:50, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::Ohhhhhhhh. I was really confused why you were deleting the whole page. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:55, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::Koavf, could you do a full cleansing of the page? What I mean is removing all vandal revisions to the very beginning (even those already revdeled), and then also removing the reverts of those revisions as well. Could you do this? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:15, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::That should be most of them. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:20, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Could you also remove the undos of vandalism? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:23, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Nothing even displays: https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive_1&amp;diff=next&amp;oldid=3139360 Is this really necessary? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:25, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::I would like to do it, to reduce clutter and potential for confusion, so, yes. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:32, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::Thank you, Koavf! – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:51, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

== Protected edit request ==

Could you change [[Template:Test4]] to redirect to [[Template:Uw-vandalism4]] to match Wikipedia? Also, to make the progression to 4im make more sense. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:34, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

== Abuse Filter ==

: ''{{ping|Antandrus}} Could you also give your comment on this?''

Could you add the following terms to the Abuse Filter:

* VKKSTUPID (any capitalization)
* VKKSTUPIDITY (any capitalization)
* AANT (any capitalization)
* AANTANDRUS (any capitalization)
* encyclopediadramatica.online (any capitalization)
* g'p (any capitalization)
* g’p (any capitalization)
* encyclopediadr'matica (any capitalization)
* Antandrus david (any capitalization)
* Ilovemycock (any capitalization)
* Ilovemycok (any capitalization)
* Ethandeath (any capitalization)
* Antdeath (any capitalization)
* ANTANDRUS FUCK BUDDY (any capitalization)
* ANTANDRUS FUKBUDDY (any capitalization)
* FUKBUDDY (any capitalization)
* WP:BOYS (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* Chicago Boys (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* Wikidiot (any capitalization)
* Wikiidiot (any capitalization)
* WMFloser (any capitalization)
* Wikiloser (any capitalization)
* Wikipedo (any capitalization)
* Wikipedoa (any capitalization)
* PAVLOL (any capitalization)
* pause for breath (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* HAHAHA (specified capitalization only)
* ANT COCK (any capitalization)
* GLOBLALY (any capitalization)
* da clock (any capitalization)
* archive.is (any capitalization)
* archive.ph (any capitalization)
* ATTAX (any capitalization)
* REMOVETD (any capitalization)
* JAN PAWEŁ (any capitalization)
* WMF squm (any capitalization)
* 'n' (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* WMFhomopedo (any capitalization)
* as proven! (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* ilovemydoodle = (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* G-R-P (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* GLOBAL BAN EVADER (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* ANT-ANDRUS (any capitalization)
* AANT-ANDRUS (any capitalization)
* ILOVEMYDOODLE LOVES (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* a r c h i v e (any capitalization)
* WMFVOMIT (any capitalization)
* WMFCANCER (any capitalization)
* the fodder (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* THANX (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* THX (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* all is saved (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* forever blocked (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* blocked loser (any capitalization)
* fuckbuddy ant (any capitalization)
* fuckbuddy antandrus (any capitalization)
* antandr's (any capitalization)
* HAHAHAHAHA (specified capitalization only)
* PAUSE FOR BREATH (specified capitalization only)
* O YEA (specified capitalization only)
* o yea (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* yea YEA (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* U CANT SLEEP (any capitalization)
* ANT-STN (any capitalization)
* ency'lopediadram'tica (any capitalization)
* GLOBA LOSER (any capitalization)
* GLOBAL LOSER (any capitalization)
* IN YOUR FACES (specified capitalization only)
* in your faces (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* vvkrejects (any capitalization)
* VVK (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* IN YO FACES (any capitalization)
* vvkhypocrite (any capitalization)
* FOFFER (any capitalization)
* real life stalker (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* REAL LIFE STALKER (specified capitalization only)
* DEFYING LOGIC (specified capitalization only)
* FOR WMF (specified capitalization only)
* globally blocked lta (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* GLOBALLY BLOCKED LTA (specified capitalization only)
* WMF RESPECT (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* wikitruth (any capitalization)
* wmf stands for (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* wmf stand for (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* WMF STANDS FOR (specified capitalization only)
* WMF STAND FOR (specified capitalization only)
* I LOVE MY COCK (any capitalization)
* wmf total (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* WMF TOTAL (specified capitalization only)
* fight u (any capitalization)
* ET AL (specified capitalization only)
* zero brains (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* BL*TANT (any capitalization)
* utm*st (any capitalization)
* UTMOST (specified capitalization only)
* Suckpuppet (any capitalization)
* wikihomopedoia (any capitalization)
* ED loser (any capitalization)
* HAHAHAHAHAHA (specified capitalization only)
* AKA (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* VVKLOSER (any capitalization)
– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:46, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

:I've edited the abuse filter before, but I'm not a whiz at it. Note that blocking edits outright based on some of these filters would certainly disrupt standard editing. I feel like this is probably not the best way to stop vandalism and would want to get more consensus from the community. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:52, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
::How about you block the ones that are obviously vandalism entirely. And the potentially good-faith ones could be allowed only for autoconfirmed. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:17, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I'd still want a broader consensus. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:22, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Also, could you protect [[Wikiquote:Village pump archive 60|this page]]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:24, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
:Imagine what GRP would do if when he next logs in Wikiquote using one of his 50 trillion VPNs, and all of his favorite buzzwords get blocked by the Abuse Filter. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:56, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
::Again, please post to the Village Pump to get consensus. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:15, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
:::{{done}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:44, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

== Quick fix needed ==

Could you please create [[MediaWiki:Dot-separator|this page]]? It's needed for a lot of templates on Wikipedia, so when I import them, they don't work. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:04, 11 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:16, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::Question: how do you import revisions? I regularly import templates from Wikipedia, so it would be nice to be able to import the revisions too. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:39, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::[[Special:Import]], if you are an admin. You are not importing, you're just copying and pasting, which is fine as long as you give attribution in the edit summary or the talk page. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:43, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Is there anyway to import '''without''' being an admin? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:45, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::No, just ask an admin to do it. Again, it's fine to completely reproduce any of the content from any WMF project anywhere, it just requires attribution. The problem with copy/paste &quot;importing&quot; is that it may not import all dependencies. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:49, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::Well, I know how to import dependencies, I would just like the ability to import revisions too, as I import hundreds of templates regularly. Also, when copying I often forget to attribute. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:54, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::If you forget, in practice, it's not the biggest deal in the world, but you really should post a note on the talk page saying where it came from and how someone could find attribution at the original source. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:55, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Well, according to [[w:WP:IMPORTS|this]], there is a group for &lt;code&gt;import&lt;/code&gt;, just like &lt;code&gt;rollback&lt;/code&gt;. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:59, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Heads up that it's [[:w:en:Help:Import]] or [[:w:en:WP:IMPORT]]. In theory, we can activate importer and transwiki importers here, but we [[Special:ListUsers/import|don't have any]] and I personally can't do it, as it requires a bureaucrat. Generally, import rights outside of being an admin is rare and reserved for weird circumstances (e.g. a user on en.wp who has access to very old server logs and imports edits from 2001 occasionally). —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:04, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Can I make a request? And, if so, where? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:19, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::You can request import at the admin's noticeboard. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:25, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::{{done}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:40, 11 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

Could please revdel these two revisions? (they are both by the same vandal)
* [[Special:Diff/3140786|1]]
* [[Special:Diff/3140787|2]]
– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:08, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:10, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::Second one too? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:12, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I think you forgot the second one. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:10, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Check again. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:06, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Kim_Il-sung&amp;oldid=3140787 Still there] – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:20, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::Gotcha. I deleted the edit summary. Thanks: hate speech has no place here except in the context of historically meaningful and educational quotations.o —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:33, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::Could you also give feedback to my question on the village pump? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:36, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

== Protection request ==

Could you protect [[User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive 1|this page]] so only admins can edit? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:11, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} I already did that. Now I've done it twice. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:07, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

== Question about the abuse filter ==

Can importing revisions ever trigger the abuse filter? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:19, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

:Probably? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 14:35, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::Which user right (not group) allows you to bypass the abuse filter? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:01, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I don't know anything more than this: [[:mw:Extension:AbuseFilter#User_rights]]. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 15:55, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Who would know more about this? Should I ping Aklapper? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:13, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::Possibly. I think a lot of folks on en.wp would know. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:31, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::I already asked a few hours ago on the help desk, still no response. I also asked on meta, also no response. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:33, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::I got two answers, here: [[m:Special:Diff/23515465|meta]], [[w:Special:Diff/1097930390|wikipedia]]. So the answer (thankfully) appears to be no. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:52, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

== Importer proposal ==

Could you give me feedback on my importer proposal? (not for/against, just about improving the proposal) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:54, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

== &lt;s&gt;Emergency&lt;/s&gt; ==

&lt;s&gt;QOTD missing!&lt;/s&gt; {{done}} by Kalki. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:01, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

== Question about my import proposal ==

Some of the permissions I know for sure are needed, for others I am pretty sure, and a few are just guesses. So, do you know who specifically I could ask about this? This would make sure that ones that are not needed can be removed, and that needed ones that are not listed can be added. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:47, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

:I don't have a recommendation on this, no. It's your proposal: you can make it however you want. You just need to be clear and explain your reasoning. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 11:16, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

== &lt;s&gt;QOTD&lt;/s&gt;==

&lt;s&gt;QOTD is missing!&lt;/s&gt; {{done}} by Kalki. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:22, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Question about my requests to you that could be asked more generally on VP or AN ==

Are you okay with this, or does it bother you? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:32, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

:If the worst thing that happens to me here is that someone is too enthusiastic, that's a good problem to have. I like your edits and interest in helping out. I just want to make sure that any kind of radical changes get larger community support. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:37, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:Contributions/Mr. Dick Pump|These two edits]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:28, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 14:56, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:contribs/2001:E68:6125:E800:9458:3779:9236:6072|Three edit summaries]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:16, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 14:57, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:contribs/2603:6010:c600:a8:40c4:fa43:6b2d:63ac|Three revisions]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:00, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

:&lt;small&gt;([[:w:WP:TPS|talk page stalker]])&lt;/small&gt; {{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, {{done}} but only one revision. The others aren't eligible for revdel. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 20:12, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

== Potential issue with import proposal ==

If the page has already been imported manually and changed since, but the page on the wiki you are importing from has also been changed, then the merge will fail. So is there any kind of right that I could that would let you remove a revision? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:04, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

:Just being an admin. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:02, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
::Does the database keep track of if an edit is imported? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:09, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I'm not certain. From what I've seen, it's seamless. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:49, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
::::I mean in the backend. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:59, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::I'm not sure. I would think so. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 21:13, 16 July 2022 (UTC)

== Online ==

Are you online right now? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:32, 16 July 2022 (UTC)

:I'll have a little availability, but I'm getting sleepy actually--I've been sick lately. :/ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:02, 16 July 2022 (UTC)

== Online ==

Are you still online? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:02, 16 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:Diff/3143353|This]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:53, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:51, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

== Bureaucrat ==

I wanted to nominate you for bureaucrat, but I could not think of enough reasons for a full nomination. Could you nominate yourself? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:22, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{not done}} I'm pretty busy now, so picking up extra responsibility seems like a bad idea. :/ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:51, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
::Later? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:52, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Maybe! —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:59, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:Diff/3121426|This]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:32, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:38, 19 July 2022 (UTC)

== Hounding ==

I have noticed that a particular new editor here seems to be here only in discussion pages, which is fine in my opinion, but they appear to particularly targeting me (voting against various proposals, listing pages for deletion, etc.), and haven't been doing any mainspsce editing or editing in other discussions, does this count as hounding? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:37, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{ping|AC9016}} Do you agree? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:38, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:It could be. I haven't seen this behavior yet. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 15:42, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
::[[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|Here]] – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:44, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I have not observed this behavior either. My time on Wikiquote is overwhelmingly spent on creating and editing pages. --[[User:AC9016|AC9016]] ([[User talk:AC9016|talk]]) 15:57, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I see you posted to his talk, so let's see where that goes. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 15:58, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

== Strikethrough templates ==

Templates what is your opinion on {{t|Ds}}, {{t|Ts}}, and {{t|Qs}}? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:52, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

:It's not obvious to me why these exist. If you need to semantically mark up that something is deleted or struck, then we have those options, so why do we need to visually have a template that strikes something four times? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 07:48, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

== Availability ==

When do you think you could help with the js feature requests previously mentioned? Thanks. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:04, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

:Which one again? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:11, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
::Not specifically one, several small ones over IRC. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:16, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Oh, not anytime soon. Sorry. :/
:::I have work, school, and travel. I am happy to do continued maintenance on projects where I am an admin (e.g. here), but doing anything ambitious is on an indefinite hold. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:18, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Not that big, only small to medium additions. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:22, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

== AN Archives ==

Hello. I noticed that you sysop-protected [[Wikiquote:Administrators' noticeboard/Archive/037]] but this is blocking [[Special:Contribs/MABot|my bot]] from archiving the [[WQ:AN]] as requested. Would you prefer if I start archiving in [[Wikiquote:Administrators' noticeboard/Archive/038]] instead? If this is due to vandalism, an AbuseFilter could be created to avoid subpages of the AN to be editted by anyone but sysops and bots. Regards, --[[User:MarcoAurelio|MarcoAurelio]] ([[User talk:MarcoAurelio|talk]]) 11:10, 28 July 2022 (UTC)

:Maybe your bot can just be an admin? I'm not a bureaucrat, so I can't do it unilaterally, but you're a trusted user, so I don't see that as being a problem. I'll unprotect for now. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 16:30, 28 July 2022 (UTC)
::Thank you. I appreciate your words, but I do not think my bot should have +sysop as it is very dangerous. Bots can, however, edit pages protected up to the autoconfirmed level so if vandalism on that page is an issue you may reprotect it to the &quot;edit: autoconfirmed&quot; level and my bot won't have troubles with bypassing that restriction. Regards, --[[User:MarcoAurelio|MarcoAurelio]] ([[User talk:MarcoAurelio|talk]]) 10:45, 29 July 2022 (UTC)

== Hello ==

I would like to inform you that I have returned here after three weeks.

I mainly left due to the large-scale deletion of my templates and modules, most of which was unjustified. I would like to have these undeleted so the issues with templates can be properly addressed, rather than just deleting them. I would like to start by having these templates undeleted:
* [[Template:T]]
* [[Template:Blockedreason]]
* [[Template:Removed]] (and [[Template:Vote removed]])
Do you think you help with this? And, if so, could you add some-sort-of messaging saying that it is currently being worked-on and should ''not'' be immediately re-VfD'd? Thanks. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:44, 11 August 2022 (UTC)

:Welcome. I would recommend starting with the admins who deleted them and see if they think for some reason there was an error or something was deleted out of process. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:50, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
::I am not saying that is out of error, I just think that I can ''easily'' fix the issues that were given as the reason for deletion. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:52, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
:::Also, you would need to undelete the associated sub-pages. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:53, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
:::Sure, well I would still start with the deleting admin. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:55, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
::::{{done}} added a link to this discussion. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:58, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
::::Wait... the deleting admin only deleted it because of a VfD, so if I am able to address the problems raised in the VfD, couldn't it just be undelete without needless bureaucracy? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:17, 11 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>74hzzf2utkfx2lz41o37h9l416yr5mj</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153664</id>
      <parentid>3153628</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T20:35:41Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Hello */ respond, pinged</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="75176" xml:space="preserve">{{User talk:Koavf/Template:Archive}}
&lt;!-- Please leave comments below this line. --&gt;

== Template:Username ==

Could you please make [[Template:Username]] show the User’s name? I need it for several Templates. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:19, 12 June 2022 (UTC)

:What do you have in mind? Does {{tl|Ping}} not work? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:53, 12 June 2022 (UTC)
::I mean the user viewing it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:56, 12 June 2022 (UTC)
:::{{ping|Kalki}} [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:12, 13 June 2022 (UTC)
:::{{ping|koavf}}
::::I have no idea what you need. What would the template do? How would you use it? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:42, 13 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::A template that displays the username or IP address of the user viewing it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:49, 13 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::Do you have an example on another wiki that does this? I recalled that there was a magic word for this, but I can't seem to find it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:45, 13 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::No, but this is still a very useful *potential* feature. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:45, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

== Request to add Editnotice ==

Could you add [[User:Ilovemydoodle/FakeBlockMessage|this]] Editnotice to my User and User Talk pages? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:38, 15 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} Are you sure you want that message? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:39, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::Yes. Thank you, you are the best admin. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:52, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::Also, it isn't showing up, could you fix this?

::Edit: I think you need to create the page [[Mediawiki:Editnotice-2-Ilovemydoodle|here]] (and [[Mediawiki:Editnotice-3-Ilovemydoodle|here]] for the Talk Page) for it to actually work. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:54, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::That doesn't seem to have done the trick. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:02, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Maybe try some test text instead? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:04, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::I can. Seems like your hack should work, per [[mw:Manual:Interface/Edit notice]], tho. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:05, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::Maybe file a phab report? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:07, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::I fixed it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:12, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Could you also protect the page so only I and Administrators can edit it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:50, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::No, there's no way to do that, other than by manually blocking that one page from every user who isn't an admin or you. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:53, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:
{| style=&quot;border: 1px solid gray; background-color: #fdffe7;&quot;
|rowspan=&quot;2&quot; style=&quot;vertical-align:middle;&quot; | [[File:SpecialBarnstar.png|100px]]
|rowspan=&quot;2&quot; |
|style=&quot;font-size: x-large; padding: 0; vertical-align: middle; height: 1.1em;&quot; | '''The Special Barnstar'''
|-
|style=&quot;vertical-align: middle; border-top: 1px solid gray;&quot; | For actually doing this, I think most other Administrators take themselves to far too seriously to do something like this.
|} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:29, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

:Thanks kindly. I'm here to serve. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:35, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

== Merge fork ==

Could you merge my fork of [[Joe Biden]] into the main page (revisions included)? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:59, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

:Probably, but you have to meet me half-way here and link to said fork. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:03, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::[[User:Ilovemydoodle/forks/Main/Joe Biden]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:05, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::&quot;No revisions can be merged.&quot; —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:09, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Why? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:16, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::¯\_(ツ)_/¯ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:17, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::Try now. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:19, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::&quot;No revisions can be merged.&quot; —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:35, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Maybe try importing them instead? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:37, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::How? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:37, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Okay I figured it, this might sound strange, but it should work, merge [[Joe Biden]] into my fork, delete the original [[Joe Biden]] page and then move my fork to [[Joe Biden]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:49, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::&quot;Source revisions overlap or come after destination revisions.&quot; You should just edit the main article. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:00, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::{{done}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:04, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::Also, do you have any work for me to do on Wikiquote? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:05, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::Wow, great question. I think the best thing that can happen here is if someone helps to bring more [[m:Structured Wikiquote|structure and semantics to Wikiquote]]. On a structural level, that is beyond any one person fixing, but anyone can add templates, metadata, etc. E.g. if you cite a source, include a citation template or use proper list semantics, such as not putting line breaks between bullets in a list. That and adding accessibility features like [[:w:en:WP:ALT|alt text]] are important issues to me. Thanks for asking and for all you do around here. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:50, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::I have been doing some of these things for while now, I will continue to do so also doing the other things you mentioned, but I was mainly looking for one or two shorter tasks to do now. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:10, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::Hi {{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, in terms of work to do on Wikiquote:
*[[:Category:Wikiquote no intro]] need intros
*[[:Category:Video games]]' contents needs sorting into categories by year
*[[:Category:Wikiquote cleanup]] has hundreds of articles needing cleanup
*[[Flooding]] could potentially be an article rather than redirect, not 100 percent sure though, depends on quotability.
*There are many entire countries with no article yet. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 16:46, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::Also thank you again Koavf for the admin/maintenance work. I hope we get to see you back at enwiki eventually. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 19:21, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::Thanks, RC! —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:46, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::No worries. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 19:51, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

== Feature ==

Help, I really needed a feature added that lets a Template tell which skin your using. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:58, 19 June 2022 (UTC)

:Wow, I have no idea how to do that. You want to be a thrid party that knows which skin someone is using? I'm not sure that is an option. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:09, 19 June 2022 (UTC)
::I really need it, apparently the background of my talk page break certain features, but only on one skin, and after fixing now it only works on that skin and doesn't work on others, so I really need this fixed, maybe something using css files? 

::Edit: I figured it out, just add some css to the css file for each skin:

::* [[Mediawiki:vector.css]]
::* [[Mediawiki:vector-2022.css]]
::* [[Mediawiki:minerva.css]]
::* [[Mediawiki:monobook.css]]
::* [[Mediawiki:timeless.css]]

::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:55, 19 June 2022 (UTC)
:::{{ping|koavf}} [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:23, 20 June 2022 (UTC)
::::I'm confused why you're pinging me. You just wrote, &quot;I figured it out&quot;, so I thought there was no action for me here. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:35, 20 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::No, I meant that I figured out how YOU can fix it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:52, 20 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::What do you want me to insert in the CSS files? I'm reluctant to do this as it will modify the site for all users, but I'm not entirely opposed. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:03, 20 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::Just make it you have something that only appears when that skin is active.

:::::::Edit: You can do this by making something invisible in common.css and then setting it visible in the skin’s css file. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:05, 20 June 2022 (UTC)

== Feature request ==

Could you make a very useful JavaScript hack for me? Ping me when your ready and I'll give you more information. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 16:21, 23 June 2022 (UTC)

:I'm putting something on my calendar for next weekend--I'm busy this weekend. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:42, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
::Could you please do the other request above, though? (I really need it for something) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:44, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
:::All of them exist except one. I'll add a comment to it and then I suppose that resolves it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:53, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
::::No I mean in each file could you put:
::::&lt;code&gt;span.show-[skin name here] {display: initial;}&lt;/code&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;code&gt;span.hide-[skin name here] {display: none;}&lt;/code&gt;
::::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:00, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::No, I'm not sure what that will do. I'm trying to think of how that would appear in CSS and that seems like it would not display the user preferences. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 21:01, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::Well, you just add this code to common.css for each skin:
::::::&lt;code&gt;span.show-[skin name here] {display: none;}&lt;/code&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;code&gt;span.hide-[skin name here] {display: initial;}&lt;/code&gt;
::::::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:03, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::I'm reluctant to do that becuase of the concerns above. Do you have an example wiki where someone did this? I don't want to tinker with site-wide CSS without a really good reason. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 21:04, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Well, I can't think of any other wiki, but this IS quite important. On my user page I implemented a feature that perfectly well for me, but another user informed me that it didn't work in one skin, so I made one for that skin, but it only worked in that skin, so I need some code to differentiate between skins. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:10, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Could please give me more information about this? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:08, 25 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::If I edit site-wide CSS, that will impact all users with a given skin. So I want to be very conservative about doing that and I don't want to even experiment, lest I mess up someone's view of the site. If you have examples of other wikis doing this or can justify why you need it done with some clarity, then maybe I can help you. Better yet woudl be community consensus. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:15, 25 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::Basically, I want a feature where I can create a span with the class &quot;[Skin Name Here]-show&quot; and it will only show it for users viewing in that skin, there would also be a &quot;[Skin Name Here]-hide&quot; which would do the reverse. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:24, 25 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::And I need to have a greater justification than just your personal preference before I tinker with site-wide CSS. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:44, 25 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::A lot of Templates need different code for each skin to display properly. Also, I don't see any harm in adding this. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:46, 25 June 2022 (UTC)

== Response time ==

Is there anyway to have a discussion in real-time? I would like to have several long discussions about feature requests, but that's not really doable if it takes days between each comment. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:23, 26 June 2022 (UTC)

:I have really only used Gchat (or whatever it's called now) for IMing, but sure. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:31, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::What is Gchat? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:32, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::Google's IMing, associated with Gmail. Again, it's been called a million things. Hangouts now? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:33, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Any WMF way of live chat? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:33, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::I think Matrix: [[m:matrix]]. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:38, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::I keep hearing about &quot;libera chat&quot;, is it what I want? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:40, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::Correct. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:29, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::So, could you explain what it is and how to do what I am requesting with it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:31, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::I've never used it. I just know that it's the replacement for IRC (which I very rarely used). —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:47, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::What’s IRC again? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:52, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::{{w|Internet Relay Chat}}, which was more-or-less popular as a group chat option for decades and the best server for it, {{w|Freenode}} was bought by a jerk, so everyone jumped ship to Libera. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:06, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::How does libera work? Would it be good for what I want? And, do you have an account there? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:08, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::It's a good chat service, as I understand it and would meet your needs. I've never used it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:13, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::Can you create an account? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:48, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::Sure, if that's the method you want to use. I'm here to help. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 07:00, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::::What is the name of your account? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:05, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::@koavf:matrix.org —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:05, 27 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::::::{{ping|koavf}} I mean on libera. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:38, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::::Gotcha. I haven't made one yet. I can when I'm free-er. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 12:52, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::::::::When will that be? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:53, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::::::I have a calendar reminder for the following weekend (i.e. not in a few days but a week and a half). —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 12:58, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::::::::::I am wondering if we can do it today instead? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:07, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::::::::I cannot. I have a busy-ish day and a very busy day tomorrow. To the extent that I can screw around on the Internet, it has to be pretty limited. I'm happy to meet at a time that's mutually convenient, of course. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 13:10, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
{{Outdent|::::::::::}}Thank you! When your ready I have a lot to discuss. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:17, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
:Also, when your ready, could you leave a message saying so on my Talk Page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:03, 4 July 2022 (UTC)
::Can do. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:11, 4 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Can you just send me a calendar invite if you need to chat? I'm afraid that it's hard for me to make the time. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:03, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::I am not sure how to do that, do you mean like mentally, or on Wikiquote? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:54, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::Sorry, I meant to my email address: justinkoavf[littleanarchysymbol][google's email service][period]com. If you can't do that or don't want to share your email address with me, then please let me know. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:14, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::I have had my email address removed a long time ago due to abuse, so I can't use my email. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:18, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::You can't email me directly? That's fine. When would you like to chat? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:35, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::When ever you’re ready to implement a lot of stuff. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:38, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Also, which Template de-indents a discussion? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:58, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::{{tl|outdent}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:04, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Do you have any set date that you would be willing to help implement (or at-least begin the implementation of) a lot of features? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:28, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Unfortunately, I'm busy with work and personal things in July, so I've had a hard time setting a time. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 00:34, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::Also, why did you obfuscate your email address? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:24, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::What is &quot;[littleanarchysymbol]&quot;? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:12, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::Obfuscated for bots. [littleanarchysymbol] = &quot;@&quot;. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 00:34, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::I’m confused, what do you mean obfuscated for bots? Also, if it's obfuscated how I am meant to read it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:49, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::So that a bot couldn't harvest it and spam me. You may be able to read it because you can decode things that a bot can't. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:48, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Oh. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:03, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

== Bug fix ==

In [[Special:ListUsers]] &quot;Administrator&quot; is capitalized, on all other wikis (including Wikipedia) it is lower case. Could you please fix this? You could do this by either making it lower case, or by capitalizing all User Rights. (the second option is the one I prefer) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:28, 26 June 2022 (UTC)

:But all of them are upper case now, so at least that's consistent. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:31, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::Oh wait, I see. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:32, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:I think fixing it would require recreating [[MediaWiki:Administrators]] and making it lower-case, but I'm not sure of all the places where it would be changed. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:34, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::I don't see the problem with doing that. Also, if you prefer it capitalized, you could just capitalize all User Groups. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:36, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::Because it may be transcluded other places where it shouldn't be capitalized. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:37, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Well, it's just fine on en.wp. Also, which option do you prefer? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:39, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::I have no strong feelings on this and while I am actually usually very in favor of consistency and proper usage, this one doesn't bother me much. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:29, 26 June 2022 (UTC)

== A question for you ==

If you ever get unblocked from enwiki, will you still regularly contribute here? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:46, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

:For sure. I plan on it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:13, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

== Issue with your archive page ==

A lot of users used &lt;code&gt;&lt;nowiki&gt;{{PAGENAME}}&lt;/nowiki&gt;&lt;/code&gt; instead &lt;code&gt;koavf&lt;/code&gt; on your Talk Page, so when you archived the page it now says &quot;Hi koavf/archive001&quot; instead of just &quot;Hi koavf.&quot; Could you fix this? (I can't since you protected the page) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:05, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

:Sure, thanks. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 00:34, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

== Rollback vote ==

Could you vote [[Wikiquote:Requests for Rollback/Ilovemydoodle|here]]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:51, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

== Protection request ==

Could you protect [[User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive 1|this page]] so only admins can edit? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 09:34, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive 1|This page]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:15, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::Still isn’t done. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:40, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Wait why is the page gone? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:48, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::::It's back. The easiest way to delete dozens of revisions is to delete the entire page and then un-delete the revisions that you want. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:50, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::Ohhhhhhhh. I was really confused why you were deleting the whole page. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:55, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::Koavf, could you do a full cleansing of the page? What I mean is removing all vandal revisions to the very beginning (even those already revdeled), and then also removing the reverts of those revisions as well. Could you do this? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:15, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::That should be most of them. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:20, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Could you also remove the undos of vandalism? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:23, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Nothing even displays: https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive_1&amp;diff=next&amp;oldid=3139360 Is this really necessary? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:25, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::I would like to do it, to reduce clutter and potential for confusion, so, yes. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:32, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::Thank you, Koavf! – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:51, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

== Protected edit request ==

Could you change [[Template:Test4]] to redirect to [[Template:Uw-vandalism4]] to match Wikipedia? Also, to make the progression to 4im make more sense. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:34, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

== Abuse Filter ==

: ''{{ping|Antandrus}} Could you also give your comment on this?''

Could you add the following terms to the Abuse Filter:

* VKKSTUPID (any capitalization)
* VKKSTUPIDITY (any capitalization)
* AANT (any capitalization)
* AANTANDRUS (any capitalization)
* encyclopediadramatica.online (any capitalization)
* g'p (any capitalization)
* g’p (any capitalization)
* encyclopediadr'matica (any capitalization)
* Antandrus david (any capitalization)
* Ilovemycock (any capitalization)
* Ilovemycok (any capitalization)
* Ethandeath (any capitalization)
* Antdeath (any capitalization)
* ANTANDRUS FUCK BUDDY (any capitalization)
* ANTANDRUS FUKBUDDY (any capitalization)
* FUKBUDDY (any capitalization)
* WP:BOYS (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* Chicago Boys (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* Wikidiot (any capitalization)
* Wikiidiot (any capitalization)
* WMFloser (any capitalization)
* Wikiloser (any capitalization)
* Wikipedo (any capitalization)
* Wikipedoa (any capitalization)
* PAVLOL (any capitalization)
* pause for breath (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* HAHAHA (specified capitalization only)
* ANT COCK (any capitalization)
* GLOBLALY (any capitalization)
* da clock (any capitalization)
* archive.is (any capitalization)
* archive.ph (any capitalization)
* ATTAX (any capitalization)
* REMOVETD (any capitalization)
* JAN PAWEŁ (any capitalization)
* WMF squm (any capitalization)
* 'n' (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* WMFhomopedo (any capitalization)
* as proven! (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* ilovemydoodle = (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* G-R-P (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* GLOBAL BAN EVADER (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* ANT-ANDRUS (any capitalization)
* AANT-ANDRUS (any capitalization)
* ILOVEMYDOODLE LOVES (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* a r c h i v e (any capitalization)
* WMFVOMIT (any capitalization)
* WMFCANCER (any capitalization)
* the fodder (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* THANX (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* THX (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* all is saved (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* forever blocked (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* blocked loser (any capitalization)
* fuckbuddy ant (any capitalization)
* fuckbuddy antandrus (any capitalization)
* antandr's (any capitalization)
* HAHAHAHAHA (specified capitalization only)
* PAUSE FOR BREATH (specified capitalization only)
* O YEA (specified capitalization only)
* o yea (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* yea YEA (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* U CANT SLEEP (any capitalization)
* ANT-STN (any capitalization)
* ency'lopediadram'tica (any capitalization)
* GLOBA LOSER (any capitalization)
* GLOBAL LOSER (any capitalization)
* IN YOUR FACES (specified capitalization only)
* in your faces (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* vvkrejects (any capitalization)
* VVK (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* IN YO FACES (any capitalization)
* vvkhypocrite (any capitalization)
* FOFFER (any capitalization)
* real life stalker (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* REAL LIFE STALKER (specified capitalization only)
* DEFYING LOGIC (specified capitalization only)
* FOR WMF (specified capitalization only)
* globally blocked lta (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* GLOBALLY BLOCKED LTA (specified capitalization only)
* WMF RESPECT (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* wikitruth (any capitalization)
* wmf stands for (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* wmf stand for (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* WMF STANDS FOR (specified capitalization only)
* WMF STAND FOR (specified capitalization only)
* I LOVE MY COCK (any capitalization)
* wmf total (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* WMF TOTAL (specified capitalization only)
* fight u (any capitalization)
* ET AL (specified capitalization only)
* zero brains (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* BL*TANT (any capitalization)
* utm*st (any capitalization)
* UTMOST (specified capitalization only)
* Suckpuppet (any capitalization)
* wikihomopedoia (any capitalization)
* ED loser (any capitalization)
* HAHAHAHAHAHA (specified capitalization only)
* AKA (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* VVKLOSER (any capitalization)
– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:46, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

:I've edited the abuse filter before, but I'm not a whiz at it. Note that blocking edits outright based on some of these filters would certainly disrupt standard editing. I feel like this is probably not the best way to stop vandalism and would want to get more consensus from the community. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:52, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
::How about you block the ones that are obviously vandalism entirely. And the potentially good-faith ones could be allowed only for autoconfirmed. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:17, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I'd still want a broader consensus. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:22, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Also, could you protect [[Wikiquote:Village pump archive 60|this page]]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:24, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
:Imagine what GRP would do if when he next logs in Wikiquote using one of his 50 trillion VPNs, and all of his favorite buzzwords get blocked by the Abuse Filter. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:56, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
::Again, please post to the Village Pump to get consensus. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:15, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
:::{{done}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:44, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

== Quick fix needed ==

Could you please create [[MediaWiki:Dot-separator|this page]]? It's needed for a lot of templates on Wikipedia, so when I import them, they don't work. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:04, 11 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:16, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::Question: how do you import revisions? I regularly import templates from Wikipedia, so it would be nice to be able to import the revisions too. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:39, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::[[Special:Import]], if you are an admin. You are not importing, you're just copying and pasting, which is fine as long as you give attribution in the edit summary or the talk page. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:43, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Is there anyway to import '''without''' being an admin? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:45, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::No, just ask an admin to do it. Again, it's fine to completely reproduce any of the content from any WMF project anywhere, it just requires attribution. The problem with copy/paste &quot;importing&quot; is that it may not import all dependencies. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:49, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::Well, I know how to import dependencies, I would just like the ability to import revisions too, as I import hundreds of templates regularly. Also, when copying I often forget to attribute. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:54, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::If you forget, in practice, it's not the biggest deal in the world, but you really should post a note on the talk page saying where it came from and how someone could find attribution at the original source. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:55, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Well, according to [[w:WP:IMPORTS|this]], there is a group for &lt;code&gt;import&lt;/code&gt;, just like &lt;code&gt;rollback&lt;/code&gt;. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:59, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Heads up that it's [[:w:en:Help:Import]] or [[:w:en:WP:IMPORT]]. In theory, we can activate importer and transwiki importers here, but we [[Special:ListUsers/import|don't have any]] and I personally can't do it, as it requires a bureaucrat. Generally, import rights outside of being an admin is rare and reserved for weird circumstances (e.g. a user on en.wp who has access to very old server logs and imports edits from 2001 occasionally). —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:04, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Can I make a request? And, if so, where? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:19, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::You can request import at the admin's noticeboard. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:25, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::{{done}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:40, 11 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

Could please revdel these two revisions? (they are both by the same vandal)
* [[Special:Diff/3140786|1]]
* [[Special:Diff/3140787|2]]
– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:08, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:10, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::Second one too? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:12, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I think you forgot the second one. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:10, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Check again. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:06, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Kim_Il-sung&amp;oldid=3140787 Still there] – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:20, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::Gotcha. I deleted the edit summary. Thanks: hate speech has no place here except in the context of historically meaningful and educational quotations.o —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:33, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::Could you also give feedback to my question on the village pump? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:36, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

== Protection request ==

Could you protect [[User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive 1|this page]] so only admins can edit? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:11, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} I already did that. Now I've done it twice. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:07, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

== Question about the abuse filter ==

Can importing revisions ever trigger the abuse filter? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:19, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

:Probably? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 14:35, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::Which user right (not group) allows you to bypass the abuse filter? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:01, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I don't know anything more than this: [[:mw:Extension:AbuseFilter#User_rights]]. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 15:55, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Who would know more about this? Should I ping Aklapper? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:13, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::Possibly. I think a lot of folks on en.wp would know. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:31, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::I already asked a few hours ago on the help desk, still no response. I also asked on meta, also no response. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:33, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::I got two answers, here: [[m:Special:Diff/23515465|meta]], [[w:Special:Diff/1097930390|wikipedia]]. So the answer (thankfully) appears to be no. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:52, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

== Importer proposal ==

Could you give me feedback on my importer proposal? (not for/against, just about improving the proposal) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:54, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

== &lt;s&gt;Emergency&lt;/s&gt; ==

&lt;s&gt;QOTD missing!&lt;/s&gt; {{done}} by Kalki. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:01, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

== Question about my import proposal ==

Some of the permissions I know for sure are needed, for others I am pretty sure, and a few are just guesses. So, do you know who specifically I could ask about this? This would make sure that ones that are not needed can be removed, and that needed ones that are not listed can be added. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:47, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

:I don't have a recommendation on this, no. It's your proposal: you can make it however you want. You just need to be clear and explain your reasoning. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 11:16, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

== &lt;s&gt;QOTD&lt;/s&gt;==

&lt;s&gt;QOTD is missing!&lt;/s&gt; {{done}} by Kalki. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:22, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Question about my requests to you that could be asked more generally on VP or AN ==

Are you okay with this, or does it bother you? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:32, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

:If the worst thing that happens to me here is that someone is too enthusiastic, that's a good problem to have. I like your edits and interest in helping out. I just want to make sure that any kind of radical changes get larger community support. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:37, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:Contributions/Mr. Dick Pump|These two edits]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:28, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 14:56, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:contribs/2001:E68:6125:E800:9458:3779:9236:6072|Three edit summaries]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:16, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 14:57, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:contribs/2603:6010:c600:a8:40c4:fa43:6b2d:63ac|Three revisions]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:00, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

:&lt;small&gt;([[:w:WP:TPS|talk page stalker]])&lt;/small&gt; {{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, {{done}} but only one revision. The others aren't eligible for revdel. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 20:12, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

== Potential issue with import proposal ==

If the page has already been imported manually and changed since, but the page on the wiki you are importing from has also been changed, then the merge will fail. So is there any kind of right that I could that would let you remove a revision? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:04, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

:Just being an admin. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:02, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
::Does the database keep track of if an edit is imported? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:09, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I'm not certain. From what I've seen, it's seamless. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:49, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
::::I mean in the backend. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:59, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::I'm not sure. I would think so. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 21:13, 16 July 2022 (UTC)

== Online ==

Are you online right now? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:32, 16 July 2022 (UTC)

:I'll have a little availability, but I'm getting sleepy actually--I've been sick lately. :/ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:02, 16 July 2022 (UTC)

== Online ==

Are you still online? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:02, 16 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:Diff/3143353|This]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:53, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:51, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

== Bureaucrat ==

I wanted to nominate you for bureaucrat, but I could not think of enough reasons for a full nomination. Could you nominate yourself? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:22, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{not done}} I'm pretty busy now, so picking up extra responsibility seems like a bad idea. :/ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:51, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
::Later? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:52, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Maybe! —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:59, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:Diff/3121426|This]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:32, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:38, 19 July 2022 (UTC)

== Hounding ==

I have noticed that a particular new editor here seems to be here only in discussion pages, which is fine in my opinion, but they appear to particularly targeting me (voting against various proposals, listing pages for deletion, etc.), and haven't been doing any mainspsce editing or editing in other discussions, does this count as hounding? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:37, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{ping|AC9016}} Do you agree? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:38, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:It could be. I haven't seen this behavior yet. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 15:42, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
::[[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|Here]] – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:44, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I have not observed this behavior either. My time on Wikiquote is overwhelmingly spent on creating and editing pages. --[[User:AC9016|AC9016]] ([[User talk:AC9016|talk]]) 15:57, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I see you posted to his talk, so let's see where that goes. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 15:58, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

== Strikethrough templates ==

Templates what is your opinion on {{t|Ds}}, {{t|Ts}}, and {{t|Qs}}? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:52, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

:It's not obvious to me why these exist. If you need to semantically mark up that something is deleted or struck, then we have those options, so why do we need to visually have a template that strikes something four times? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 07:48, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

== Availability ==

When do you think you could help with the js feature requests previously mentioned? Thanks. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:04, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

:Which one again? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:11, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
::Not specifically one, several small ones over IRC. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:16, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Oh, not anytime soon. Sorry. :/
:::I have work, school, and travel. I am happy to do continued maintenance on projects where I am an admin (e.g. here), but doing anything ambitious is on an indefinite hold. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:18, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Not that big, only small to medium additions. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:22, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

== AN Archives ==

Hello. I noticed that you sysop-protected [[Wikiquote:Administrators' noticeboard/Archive/037]] but this is blocking [[Special:Contribs/MABot|my bot]] from archiving the [[WQ:AN]] as requested. Would you prefer if I start archiving in [[Wikiquote:Administrators' noticeboard/Archive/038]] instead? If this is due to vandalism, an AbuseFilter could be created to avoid subpages of the AN to be editted by anyone but sysops and bots. Regards, --[[User:MarcoAurelio|MarcoAurelio]] ([[User talk:MarcoAurelio|talk]]) 11:10, 28 July 2022 (UTC)

:Maybe your bot can just be an admin? I'm not a bureaucrat, so I can't do it unilaterally, but you're a trusted user, so I don't see that as being a problem. I'll unprotect for now. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 16:30, 28 July 2022 (UTC)
::Thank you. I appreciate your words, but I do not think my bot should have +sysop as it is very dangerous. Bots can, however, edit pages protected up to the autoconfirmed level so if vandalism on that page is an issue you may reprotect it to the &quot;edit: autoconfirmed&quot; level and my bot won't have troubles with bypassing that restriction. Regards, --[[User:MarcoAurelio|MarcoAurelio]] ([[User talk:MarcoAurelio|talk]]) 10:45, 29 July 2022 (UTC)

== Hello ==

I would like to inform you that I have returned here after three weeks.

I mainly left due to the large-scale deletion of my templates and modules, most of which was unjustified. I would like to have these undeleted so the issues with templates can be properly addressed, rather than just deleting them. I would like to start by having these templates undeleted:
* [[Template:T]]
* [[Template:Blockedreason]]
* [[Template:Removed]] (and [[Template:Vote removed]])
Do you think you help with this? And, if so, could you add some-sort-of messaging saying that it is currently being worked-on and should ''not'' be immediately re-VfD'd? Thanks. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:44, 11 August 2022 (UTC)

:Welcome. I would recommend starting with the admins who deleted them and see if they think for some reason there was an error or something was deleted out of process. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:50, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
::I am not saying that is out of error, I just think that I can ''easily'' fix the issues that were given as the reason for deletion. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:52, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
:::Also, you would need to undelete the associated sub-pages. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:53, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
:::Sure, well I would still start with the deleting admin. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:55, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
::::{{done}} added a link to this discussion. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:58, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
::::Wait... the deleting admin only deleted it because of a VfD, so if I am able to address the problems raised in the VfD, couldn't it just be undelete without needless bureaucracy? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:17, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
* All I did was close the discussions. In nearly every one, the consensus to delete was unanimous. I would recommend you take some time to consider working on tasks that do not require the creation of large amounts of templates and subpages, give that this wasn't a one-off issue, but one where there were scores of pages that needed to be deleted. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 20:35, 11 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>9rxfauucycepu6jbfs7pgtq0hj7jgj9</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153691</id>
      <parentid>3153664</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T21:31:35Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ilovemydoodle</username>
        <id>3120156</id>
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      <comment>/* Hello */ Reply</comment>
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      <text bytes="76075" xml:space="preserve">{{User talk:Koavf/Template:Archive}}
&lt;!-- Please leave comments below this line. --&gt;

== Template:Username ==

Could you please make [[Template:Username]] show the User’s name? I need it for several Templates. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:19, 12 June 2022 (UTC)

:What do you have in mind? Does {{tl|Ping}} not work? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:53, 12 June 2022 (UTC)
::I mean the user viewing it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:56, 12 June 2022 (UTC)
:::{{ping|Kalki}} [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:12, 13 June 2022 (UTC)
:::{{ping|koavf}}
::::I have no idea what you need. What would the template do? How would you use it? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:42, 13 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::A template that displays the username or IP address of the user viewing it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:49, 13 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::Do you have an example on another wiki that does this? I recalled that there was a magic word for this, but I can't seem to find it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:45, 13 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::No, but this is still a very useful *potential* feature. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:45, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

== Request to add Editnotice ==

Could you add [[User:Ilovemydoodle/FakeBlockMessage|this]] Editnotice to my User and User Talk pages? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:38, 15 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} Are you sure you want that message? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:39, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::Yes. Thank you, you are the best admin. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:52, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::Also, it isn't showing up, could you fix this?

::Edit: I think you need to create the page [[Mediawiki:Editnotice-2-Ilovemydoodle|here]] (and [[Mediawiki:Editnotice-3-Ilovemydoodle|here]] for the Talk Page) for it to actually work. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:54, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::That doesn't seem to have done the trick. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:02, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Maybe try some test text instead? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:04, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::I can. Seems like your hack should work, per [[mw:Manual:Interface/Edit notice]], tho. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:05, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::Maybe file a phab report? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:07, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::I fixed it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:12, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Could you also protect the page so only I and Administrators can edit it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:50, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::No, there's no way to do that, other than by manually blocking that one page from every user who isn't an admin or you. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:53, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:
{| style=&quot;border: 1px solid gray; background-color: #fdffe7;&quot;
|rowspan=&quot;2&quot; style=&quot;vertical-align:middle;&quot; | [[File:SpecialBarnstar.png|100px]]
|rowspan=&quot;2&quot; |
|style=&quot;font-size: x-large; padding: 0; vertical-align: middle; height: 1.1em;&quot; | '''The Special Barnstar'''
|-
|style=&quot;vertical-align: middle; border-top: 1px solid gray;&quot; | For actually doing this, I think most other Administrators take themselves to far too seriously to do something like this.
|} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:29, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

:Thanks kindly. I'm here to serve. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:35, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

== Merge fork ==

Could you merge my fork of [[Joe Biden]] into the main page (revisions included)? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:59, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

:Probably, but you have to meet me half-way here and link to said fork. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:03, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::[[User:Ilovemydoodle/forks/Main/Joe Biden]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:05, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::&quot;No revisions can be merged.&quot; —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:09, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Why? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:16, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::¯\_(ツ)_/¯ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:17, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::Try now. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:19, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::&quot;No revisions can be merged.&quot; —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:35, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Maybe try importing them instead? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:37, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::How? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:37, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Okay I figured it, this might sound strange, but it should work, merge [[Joe Biden]] into my fork, delete the original [[Joe Biden]] page and then move my fork to [[Joe Biden]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:49, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::&quot;Source revisions overlap or come after destination revisions.&quot; You should just edit the main article. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:00, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::{{done}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:04, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::Also, do you have any work for me to do on Wikiquote? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:05, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::Wow, great question. I think the best thing that can happen here is if someone helps to bring more [[m:Structured Wikiquote|structure and semantics to Wikiquote]]. On a structural level, that is beyond any one person fixing, but anyone can add templates, metadata, etc. E.g. if you cite a source, include a citation template or use proper list semantics, such as not putting line breaks between bullets in a list. That and adding accessibility features like [[:w:en:WP:ALT|alt text]] are important issues to me. Thanks for asking and for all you do around here. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:50, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::I have been doing some of these things for while now, I will continue to do so also doing the other things you mentioned, but I was mainly looking for one or two shorter tasks to do now. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:10, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::Hi {{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, in terms of work to do on Wikiquote:
*[[:Category:Wikiquote no intro]] need intros
*[[:Category:Video games]]' contents needs sorting into categories by year
*[[:Category:Wikiquote cleanup]] has hundreds of articles needing cleanup
*[[Flooding]] could potentially be an article rather than redirect, not 100 percent sure though, depends on quotability.
*There are many entire countries with no article yet. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 16:46, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::Also thank you again Koavf for the admin/maintenance work. I hope we get to see you back at enwiki eventually. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 19:21, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::Thanks, RC! —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:46, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::No worries. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 19:51, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

== Feature ==

Help, I really needed a feature added that lets a Template tell which skin your using. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:58, 19 June 2022 (UTC)

:Wow, I have no idea how to do that. You want to be a thrid party that knows which skin someone is using? I'm not sure that is an option. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:09, 19 June 2022 (UTC)
::I really need it, apparently the background of my talk page break certain features, but only on one skin, and after fixing now it only works on that skin and doesn't work on others, so I really need this fixed, maybe something using css files? 

::Edit: I figured it out, just add some css to the css file for each skin:

::* [[Mediawiki:vector.css]]
::* [[Mediawiki:vector-2022.css]]
::* [[Mediawiki:minerva.css]]
::* [[Mediawiki:monobook.css]]
::* [[Mediawiki:timeless.css]]

::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:55, 19 June 2022 (UTC)
:::{{ping|koavf}} [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:23, 20 June 2022 (UTC)
::::I'm confused why you're pinging me. You just wrote, &quot;I figured it out&quot;, so I thought there was no action for me here. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:35, 20 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::No, I meant that I figured out how YOU can fix it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:52, 20 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::What do you want me to insert in the CSS files? I'm reluctant to do this as it will modify the site for all users, but I'm not entirely opposed. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:03, 20 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::Just make it you have something that only appears when that skin is active.

:::::::Edit: You can do this by making something invisible in common.css and then setting it visible in the skin’s css file. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:05, 20 June 2022 (UTC)

== Feature request ==

Could you make a very useful JavaScript hack for me? Ping me when your ready and I'll give you more information. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 16:21, 23 June 2022 (UTC)

:I'm putting something on my calendar for next weekend--I'm busy this weekend. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:42, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
::Could you please do the other request above, though? (I really need it for something) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:44, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
:::All of them exist except one. I'll add a comment to it and then I suppose that resolves it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:53, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
::::No I mean in each file could you put:
::::&lt;code&gt;span.show-[skin name here] {display: initial;}&lt;/code&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;code&gt;span.hide-[skin name here] {display: none;}&lt;/code&gt;
::::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:00, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::No, I'm not sure what that will do. I'm trying to think of how that would appear in CSS and that seems like it would not display the user preferences. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 21:01, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::Well, you just add this code to common.css for each skin:
::::::&lt;code&gt;span.show-[skin name here] {display: none;}&lt;/code&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;code&gt;span.hide-[skin name here] {display: initial;}&lt;/code&gt;
::::::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:03, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::I'm reluctant to do that becuase of the concerns above. Do you have an example wiki where someone did this? I don't want to tinker with site-wide CSS without a really good reason. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 21:04, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Well, I can't think of any other wiki, but this IS quite important. On my user page I implemented a feature that perfectly well for me, but another user informed me that it didn't work in one skin, so I made one for that skin, but it only worked in that skin, so I need some code to differentiate between skins. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:10, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Could please give me more information about this? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:08, 25 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::If I edit site-wide CSS, that will impact all users with a given skin. So I want to be very conservative about doing that and I don't want to even experiment, lest I mess up someone's view of the site. If you have examples of other wikis doing this or can justify why you need it done with some clarity, then maybe I can help you. Better yet woudl be community consensus. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:15, 25 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::Basically, I want a feature where I can create a span with the class &quot;[Skin Name Here]-show&quot; and it will only show it for users viewing in that skin, there would also be a &quot;[Skin Name Here]-hide&quot; which would do the reverse. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:24, 25 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::And I need to have a greater justification than just your personal preference before I tinker with site-wide CSS. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:44, 25 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::A lot of Templates need different code for each skin to display properly. Also, I don't see any harm in adding this. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:46, 25 June 2022 (UTC)

== Response time ==

Is there anyway to have a discussion in real-time? I would like to have several long discussions about feature requests, but that's not really doable if it takes days between each comment. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:23, 26 June 2022 (UTC)

:I have really only used Gchat (or whatever it's called now) for IMing, but sure. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:31, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::What is Gchat? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:32, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::Google's IMing, associated with Gmail. Again, it's been called a million things. Hangouts now? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:33, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Any WMF way of live chat? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:33, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::I think Matrix: [[m:matrix]]. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:38, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::I keep hearing about &quot;libera chat&quot;, is it what I want? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:40, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::Correct. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:29, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::So, could you explain what it is and how to do what I am requesting with it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:31, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::I've never used it. I just know that it's the replacement for IRC (which I very rarely used). —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:47, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::What’s IRC again? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:52, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::{{w|Internet Relay Chat}}, which was more-or-less popular as a group chat option for decades and the best server for it, {{w|Freenode}} was bought by a jerk, so everyone jumped ship to Libera. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:06, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::How does libera work? Would it be good for what I want? And, do you have an account there? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:08, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::It's a good chat service, as I understand it and would meet your needs. I've never used it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:13, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::Can you create an account? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:48, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::Sure, if that's the method you want to use. I'm here to help. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 07:00, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::::What is the name of your account? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:05, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::@koavf:matrix.org —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:05, 27 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::::::{{ping|koavf}} I mean on libera. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:38, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::::Gotcha. I haven't made one yet. I can when I'm free-er. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 12:52, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::::::::When will that be? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:53, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::::::I have a calendar reminder for the following weekend (i.e. not in a few days but a week and a half). —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 12:58, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::::::::::I am wondering if we can do it today instead? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:07, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::::::::I cannot. I have a busy-ish day and a very busy day tomorrow. To the extent that I can screw around on the Internet, it has to be pretty limited. I'm happy to meet at a time that's mutually convenient, of course. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 13:10, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
{{Outdent|::::::::::}}Thank you! When your ready I have a lot to discuss. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:17, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
:Also, when your ready, could you leave a message saying so on my Talk Page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:03, 4 July 2022 (UTC)
::Can do. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:11, 4 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Can you just send me a calendar invite if you need to chat? I'm afraid that it's hard for me to make the time. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:03, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::I am not sure how to do that, do you mean like mentally, or on Wikiquote? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:54, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::Sorry, I meant to my email address: justinkoavf[littleanarchysymbol][google's email service][period]com. If you can't do that or don't want to share your email address with me, then please let me know. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:14, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::I have had my email address removed a long time ago due to abuse, so I can't use my email. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:18, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::You can't email me directly? That's fine. When would you like to chat? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:35, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::When ever you’re ready to implement a lot of stuff. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:38, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Also, which Template de-indents a discussion? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:58, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::{{tl|outdent}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:04, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Do you have any set date that you would be willing to help implement (or at-least begin the implementation of) a lot of features? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:28, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Unfortunately, I'm busy with work and personal things in July, so I've had a hard time setting a time. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 00:34, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::Also, why did you obfuscate your email address? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:24, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::What is &quot;[littleanarchysymbol]&quot;? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:12, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::Obfuscated for bots. [littleanarchysymbol] = &quot;@&quot;. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 00:34, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::I’m confused, what do you mean obfuscated for bots? Also, if it's obfuscated how I am meant to read it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:49, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::So that a bot couldn't harvest it and spam me. You may be able to read it because you can decode things that a bot can't. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:48, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Oh. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:03, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

== Bug fix ==

In [[Special:ListUsers]] &quot;Administrator&quot; is capitalized, on all other wikis (including Wikipedia) it is lower case. Could you please fix this? You could do this by either making it lower case, or by capitalizing all User Rights. (the second option is the one I prefer) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:28, 26 June 2022 (UTC)

:But all of them are upper case now, so at least that's consistent. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:31, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::Oh wait, I see. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:32, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:I think fixing it would require recreating [[MediaWiki:Administrators]] and making it lower-case, but I'm not sure of all the places where it would be changed. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:34, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::I don't see the problem with doing that. Also, if you prefer it capitalized, you could just capitalize all User Groups. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:36, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::Because it may be transcluded other places where it shouldn't be capitalized. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:37, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Well, it's just fine on en.wp. Also, which option do you prefer? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:39, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::I have no strong feelings on this and while I am actually usually very in favor of consistency and proper usage, this one doesn't bother me much. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:29, 26 June 2022 (UTC)

== A question for you ==

If you ever get unblocked from enwiki, will you still regularly contribute here? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:46, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

:For sure. I plan on it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:13, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

== Issue with your archive page ==

A lot of users used &lt;code&gt;&lt;nowiki&gt;{{PAGENAME}}&lt;/nowiki&gt;&lt;/code&gt; instead &lt;code&gt;koavf&lt;/code&gt; on your Talk Page, so when you archived the page it now says &quot;Hi koavf/archive001&quot; instead of just &quot;Hi koavf.&quot; Could you fix this? (I can't since you protected the page) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:05, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

:Sure, thanks. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 00:34, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

== Rollback vote ==

Could you vote [[Wikiquote:Requests for Rollback/Ilovemydoodle|here]]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:51, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

== Protection request ==

Could you protect [[User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive 1|this page]] so only admins can edit? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 09:34, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive 1|This page]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:15, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::Still isn’t done. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:40, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Wait why is the page gone? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:48, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::::It's back. The easiest way to delete dozens of revisions is to delete the entire page and then un-delete the revisions that you want. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:50, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::Ohhhhhhhh. I was really confused why you were deleting the whole page. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:55, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::Koavf, could you do a full cleansing of the page? What I mean is removing all vandal revisions to the very beginning (even those already revdeled), and then also removing the reverts of those revisions as well. Could you do this? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:15, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::That should be most of them. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:20, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Could you also remove the undos of vandalism? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:23, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Nothing even displays: https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive_1&amp;diff=next&amp;oldid=3139360 Is this really necessary? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:25, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::I would like to do it, to reduce clutter and potential for confusion, so, yes. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:32, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::Thank you, Koavf! – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:51, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

== Protected edit request ==

Could you change [[Template:Test4]] to redirect to [[Template:Uw-vandalism4]] to match Wikipedia? Also, to make the progression to 4im make more sense. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:34, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

== Abuse Filter ==

: ''{{ping|Antandrus}} Could you also give your comment on this?''

Could you add the following terms to the Abuse Filter:

* VKKSTUPID (any capitalization)
* VKKSTUPIDITY (any capitalization)
* AANT (any capitalization)
* AANTANDRUS (any capitalization)
* encyclopediadramatica.online (any capitalization)
* g'p (any capitalization)
* g’p (any capitalization)
* encyclopediadr'matica (any capitalization)
* Antandrus david (any capitalization)
* Ilovemycock (any capitalization)
* Ilovemycok (any capitalization)
* Ethandeath (any capitalization)
* Antdeath (any capitalization)
* ANTANDRUS FUCK BUDDY (any capitalization)
* ANTANDRUS FUKBUDDY (any capitalization)
* FUKBUDDY (any capitalization)
* WP:BOYS (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* Chicago Boys (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* Wikidiot (any capitalization)
* Wikiidiot (any capitalization)
* WMFloser (any capitalization)
* Wikiloser (any capitalization)
* Wikipedo (any capitalization)
* Wikipedoa (any capitalization)
* PAVLOL (any capitalization)
* pause for breath (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* HAHAHA (specified capitalization only)
* ANT COCK (any capitalization)
* GLOBLALY (any capitalization)
* da clock (any capitalization)
* archive.is (any capitalization)
* archive.ph (any capitalization)
* ATTAX (any capitalization)
* REMOVETD (any capitalization)
* JAN PAWEŁ (any capitalization)
* WMF squm (any capitalization)
* 'n' (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* WMFhomopedo (any capitalization)
* as proven! (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* ilovemydoodle = (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* G-R-P (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* GLOBAL BAN EVADER (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* ANT-ANDRUS (any capitalization)
* AANT-ANDRUS (any capitalization)
* ILOVEMYDOODLE LOVES (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* a r c h i v e (any capitalization)
* WMFVOMIT (any capitalization)
* WMFCANCER (any capitalization)
* the fodder (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* THANX (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* THX (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* all is saved (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* forever blocked (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* blocked loser (any capitalization)
* fuckbuddy ant (any capitalization)
* fuckbuddy antandrus (any capitalization)
* antandr's (any capitalization)
* HAHAHAHAHA (specified capitalization only)
* PAUSE FOR BREATH (specified capitalization only)
* O YEA (specified capitalization only)
* o yea (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* yea YEA (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* U CANT SLEEP (any capitalization)
* ANT-STN (any capitalization)
* ency'lopediadram'tica (any capitalization)
* GLOBA LOSER (any capitalization)
* GLOBAL LOSER (any capitalization)
* IN YOUR FACES (specified capitalization only)
* in your faces (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* vvkrejects (any capitalization)
* VVK (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* IN YO FACES (any capitalization)
* vvkhypocrite (any capitalization)
* FOFFER (any capitalization)
* real life stalker (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* REAL LIFE STALKER (specified capitalization only)
* DEFYING LOGIC (specified capitalization only)
* FOR WMF (specified capitalization only)
* globally blocked lta (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* GLOBALLY BLOCKED LTA (specified capitalization only)
* WMF RESPECT (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* wikitruth (any capitalization)
* wmf stands for (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* wmf stand for (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* WMF STANDS FOR (specified capitalization only)
* WMF STAND FOR (specified capitalization only)
* I LOVE MY COCK (any capitalization)
* wmf total (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* WMF TOTAL (specified capitalization only)
* fight u (any capitalization)
* ET AL (specified capitalization only)
* zero brains (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* BL*TANT (any capitalization)
* utm*st (any capitalization)
* UTMOST (specified capitalization only)
* Suckpuppet (any capitalization)
* wikihomopedoia (any capitalization)
* ED loser (any capitalization)
* HAHAHAHAHAHA (specified capitalization only)
* AKA (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* VVKLOSER (any capitalization)
– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:46, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

:I've edited the abuse filter before, but I'm not a whiz at it. Note that blocking edits outright based on some of these filters would certainly disrupt standard editing. I feel like this is probably not the best way to stop vandalism and would want to get more consensus from the community. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:52, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
::How about you block the ones that are obviously vandalism entirely. And the potentially good-faith ones could be allowed only for autoconfirmed. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:17, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I'd still want a broader consensus. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:22, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Also, could you protect [[Wikiquote:Village pump archive 60|this page]]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:24, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
:Imagine what GRP would do if when he next logs in Wikiquote using one of his 50 trillion VPNs, and all of his favorite buzzwords get blocked by the Abuse Filter. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:56, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
::Again, please post to the Village Pump to get consensus. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:15, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
:::{{done}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:44, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

== Quick fix needed ==

Could you please create [[MediaWiki:Dot-separator|this page]]? It's needed for a lot of templates on Wikipedia, so when I import them, they don't work. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:04, 11 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:16, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::Question: how do you import revisions? I regularly import templates from Wikipedia, so it would be nice to be able to import the revisions too. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:39, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::[[Special:Import]], if you are an admin. You are not importing, you're just copying and pasting, which is fine as long as you give attribution in the edit summary or the talk page. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:43, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Is there anyway to import '''without''' being an admin? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:45, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::No, just ask an admin to do it. Again, it's fine to completely reproduce any of the content from any WMF project anywhere, it just requires attribution. The problem with copy/paste &quot;importing&quot; is that it may not import all dependencies. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:49, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::Well, I know how to import dependencies, I would just like the ability to import revisions too, as I import hundreds of templates regularly. Also, when copying I often forget to attribute. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:54, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::If you forget, in practice, it's not the biggest deal in the world, but you really should post a note on the talk page saying where it came from and how someone could find attribution at the original source. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:55, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Well, according to [[w:WP:IMPORTS|this]], there is a group for &lt;code&gt;import&lt;/code&gt;, just like &lt;code&gt;rollback&lt;/code&gt;. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:59, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Heads up that it's [[:w:en:Help:Import]] or [[:w:en:WP:IMPORT]]. In theory, we can activate importer and transwiki importers here, but we [[Special:ListUsers/import|don't have any]] and I personally can't do it, as it requires a bureaucrat. Generally, import rights outside of being an admin is rare and reserved for weird circumstances (e.g. a user on en.wp who has access to very old server logs and imports edits from 2001 occasionally). —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:04, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Can I make a request? And, if so, where? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:19, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::You can request import at the admin's noticeboard. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:25, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::{{done}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:40, 11 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

Could please revdel these two revisions? (they are both by the same vandal)
* [[Special:Diff/3140786|1]]
* [[Special:Diff/3140787|2]]
– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:08, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:10, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::Second one too? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:12, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I think you forgot the second one. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:10, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Check again. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:06, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Kim_Il-sung&amp;oldid=3140787 Still there] – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:20, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::Gotcha. I deleted the edit summary. Thanks: hate speech has no place here except in the context of historically meaningful and educational quotations.o —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:33, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::Could you also give feedback to my question on the village pump? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:36, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

== Protection request ==

Could you protect [[User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive 1|this page]] so only admins can edit? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:11, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} I already did that. Now I've done it twice. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:07, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

== Question about the abuse filter ==

Can importing revisions ever trigger the abuse filter? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:19, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

:Probably? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 14:35, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::Which user right (not group) allows you to bypass the abuse filter? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:01, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I don't know anything more than this: [[:mw:Extension:AbuseFilter#User_rights]]. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 15:55, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Who would know more about this? Should I ping Aklapper? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:13, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::Possibly. I think a lot of folks on en.wp would know. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:31, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::I already asked a few hours ago on the help desk, still no response. I also asked on meta, also no response. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:33, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::I got two answers, here: [[m:Special:Diff/23515465|meta]], [[w:Special:Diff/1097930390|wikipedia]]. So the answer (thankfully) appears to be no. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:52, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

== Importer proposal ==

Could you give me feedback on my importer proposal? (not for/against, just about improving the proposal) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:54, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

== &lt;s&gt;Emergency&lt;/s&gt; ==

&lt;s&gt;QOTD missing!&lt;/s&gt; {{done}} by Kalki. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:01, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

== Question about my import proposal ==

Some of the permissions I know for sure are needed, for others I am pretty sure, and a few are just guesses. So, do you know who specifically I could ask about this? This would make sure that ones that are not needed can be removed, and that needed ones that are not listed can be added. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:47, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

:I don't have a recommendation on this, no. It's your proposal: you can make it however you want. You just need to be clear and explain your reasoning. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 11:16, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

== &lt;s&gt;QOTD&lt;/s&gt;==

&lt;s&gt;QOTD is missing!&lt;/s&gt; {{done}} by Kalki. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:22, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Question about my requests to you that could be asked more generally on VP or AN ==

Are you okay with this, or does it bother you? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:32, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

:If the worst thing that happens to me here is that someone is too enthusiastic, that's a good problem to have. I like your edits and interest in helping out. I just want to make sure that any kind of radical changes get larger community support. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:37, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:Contributions/Mr. Dick Pump|These two edits]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:28, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 14:56, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:contribs/2001:E68:6125:E800:9458:3779:9236:6072|Three edit summaries]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:16, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 14:57, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:contribs/2603:6010:c600:a8:40c4:fa43:6b2d:63ac|Three revisions]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:00, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

:&lt;small&gt;([[:w:WP:TPS|talk page stalker]])&lt;/small&gt; {{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, {{done}} but only one revision. The others aren't eligible for revdel. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 20:12, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

== Potential issue with import proposal ==

If the page has already been imported manually and changed since, but the page on the wiki you are importing from has also been changed, then the merge will fail. So is there any kind of right that I could that would let you remove a revision? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:04, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

:Just being an admin. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:02, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
::Does the database keep track of if an edit is imported? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:09, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I'm not certain. From what I've seen, it's seamless. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:49, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
::::I mean in the backend. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:59, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::I'm not sure. I would think so. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 21:13, 16 July 2022 (UTC)

== Online ==

Are you online right now? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:32, 16 July 2022 (UTC)

:I'll have a little availability, but I'm getting sleepy actually--I've been sick lately. :/ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:02, 16 July 2022 (UTC)

== Online ==

Are you still online? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:02, 16 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:Diff/3143353|This]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:53, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:51, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

== Bureaucrat ==

I wanted to nominate you for bureaucrat, but I could not think of enough reasons for a full nomination. Could you nominate yourself? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:22, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{not done}} I'm pretty busy now, so picking up extra responsibility seems like a bad idea. :/ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:51, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
::Later? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:52, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Maybe! —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:59, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:Diff/3121426|This]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:32, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:38, 19 July 2022 (UTC)

== Hounding ==

I have noticed that a particular new editor here seems to be here only in discussion pages, which is fine in my opinion, but they appear to particularly targeting me (voting against various proposals, listing pages for deletion, etc.), and haven't been doing any mainspsce editing or editing in other discussions, does this count as hounding? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:37, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{ping|AC9016}} Do you agree? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:38, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:It could be. I haven't seen this behavior yet. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 15:42, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
::[[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|Here]] – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:44, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I have not observed this behavior either. My time on Wikiquote is overwhelmingly spent on creating and editing pages. --[[User:AC9016|AC9016]] ([[User talk:AC9016|talk]]) 15:57, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I see you posted to his talk, so let's see where that goes. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 15:58, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

== Strikethrough templates ==

Templates what is your opinion on {{t|Ds}}, {{t|Ts}}, and {{t|Qs}}? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:52, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

:It's not obvious to me why these exist. If you need to semantically mark up that something is deleted or struck, then we have those options, so why do we need to visually have a template that strikes something four times? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 07:48, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

== Availability ==

When do you think you could help with the js feature requests previously mentioned? Thanks. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:04, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

:Which one again? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:11, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
::Not specifically one, several small ones over IRC. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:16, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Oh, not anytime soon. Sorry. :/
:::I have work, school, and travel. I am happy to do continued maintenance on projects where I am an admin (e.g. here), but doing anything ambitious is on an indefinite hold. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:18, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Not that big, only small to medium additions. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:22, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

== AN Archives ==

Hello. I noticed that you sysop-protected [[Wikiquote:Administrators' noticeboard/Archive/037]] but this is blocking [[Special:Contribs/MABot|my bot]] from archiving the [[WQ:AN]] as requested. Would you prefer if I start archiving in [[Wikiquote:Administrators' noticeboard/Archive/038]] instead? If this is due to vandalism, an AbuseFilter could be created to avoid subpages of the AN to be editted by anyone but sysops and bots. Regards, --[[User:MarcoAurelio|MarcoAurelio]] ([[User talk:MarcoAurelio|talk]]) 11:10, 28 July 2022 (UTC)

:Maybe your bot can just be an admin? I'm not a bureaucrat, so I can't do it unilaterally, but you're a trusted user, so I don't see that as being a problem. I'll unprotect for now. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 16:30, 28 July 2022 (UTC)
::Thank you. I appreciate your words, but I do not think my bot should have +sysop as it is very dangerous. Bots can, however, edit pages protected up to the autoconfirmed level so if vandalism on that page is an issue you may reprotect it to the &quot;edit: autoconfirmed&quot; level and my bot won't have troubles with bypassing that restriction. Regards, --[[User:MarcoAurelio|MarcoAurelio]] ([[User talk:MarcoAurelio|talk]]) 10:45, 29 July 2022 (UTC)

== Hello ==

I would like to inform you that I have returned here after three weeks.

I mainly left due to the large-scale deletion of my templates and modules, most of which was unjustified. I would like to have these undeleted so the issues with templates can be properly addressed, rather than just deleting them. I would like to start by having these templates undeleted:
* [[Template:T]]
* [[Template:Blockedreason]]
* [[Template:Removed]] (and [[Template:Vote removed]])
Do you think you help with this? And, if so, could you add some-sort-of messaging saying that it is currently being worked-on and should ''not'' be immediately re-VfD'd? Thanks. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:44, 11 August 2022 (UTC)

:Welcome. I would recommend starting with the admins who deleted them and see if they think for some reason there was an error or something was deleted out of process. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:50, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
::I am not saying that is out of error, I just think that I can ''easily'' fix the issues that were given as the reason for deletion. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:52, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
:::Also, you would need to undelete the associated sub-pages. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:53, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
:::Sure, well I would still start with the deleting admin. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:55, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
::::{{done}} added a link to this discussion. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:58, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
::::Wait... the deleting admin only deleted it because of a VfD, so if I am able to address the problems raised in the VfD, couldn't it just be undelete without needless bureaucracy? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:17, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
* All I did was close the discussions. In nearly every one, the consensus to delete was unanimous. I would recommend you take some time to consider working on tasks that do not require the creation of large amounts of templates and subpages, give that this wasn't a one-off issue, but one where there were scores of pages that needed to be deleted. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 20:35, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
*:{{ping|GreenMeansGo}} My reason for creating these was not just randomly make bad templates, instead I was trying to implement a much larger idea for Wikiquote, but since it would be such a large change and would require large changes to backend things like php and js, I instead only implemented a very small amount of it. But, since I only implemented small amounts of what actually wanted to do '''without context''', I instead made something that doesn't have any propose or value. So, instead, I would like to make a local 'test wiki' where I can work on larger things like this that can later be implemented properly on the main wiki.
*:Do you think you could help by sending an xml file of the deleted pages? Thanks, – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:31, 11 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>px4l27d8764e78ygldplikdttz9qlr0</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153774</id>
      <parentid>3153691</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-12T01:02:44Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>192.76.8.85</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Hello */ Reply</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="78167" xml:space="preserve">{{User talk:Koavf/Template:Archive}}
&lt;!-- Please leave comments below this line. --&gt;

== Template:Username ==

Could you please make [[Template:Username]] show the User’s name? I need it for several Templates. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:19, 12 June 2022 (UTC)

:What do you have in mind? Does {{tl|Ping}} not work? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:53, 12 June 2022 (UTC)
::I mean the user viewing it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:56, 12 June 2022 (UTC)
:::{{ping|Kalki}} [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:12, 13 June 2022 (UTC)
:::{{ping|koavf}}
::::I have no idea what you need. What would the template do? How would you use it? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:42, 13 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::A template that displays the username or IP address of the user viewing it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:49, 13 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::Do you have an example on another wiki that does this? I recalled that there was a magic word for this, but I can't seem to find it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:45, 13 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::No, but this is still a very useful *potential* feature. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:45, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

== Request to add Editnotice ==

Could you add [[User:Ilovemydoodle/FakeBlockMessage|this]] Editnotice to my User and User Talk pages? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:38, 15 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} Are you sure you want that message? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:39, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::Yes. Thank you, you are the best admin. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:52, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::Also, it isn't showing up, could you fix this?

::Edit: I think you need to create the page [[Mediawiki:Editnotice-2-Ilovemydoodle|here]] (and [[Mediawiki:Editnotice-3-Ilovemydoodle|here]] for the Talk Page) for it to actually work. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:54, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::That doesn't seem to have done the trick. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:02, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Maybe try some test text instead? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:04, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::I can. Seems like your hack should work, per [[mw:Manual:Interface/Edit notice]], tho. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:05, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::Maybe file a phab report? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:07, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::I fixed it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:12, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Could you also protect the page so only I and Administrators can edit it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:50, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::No, there's no way to do that, other than by manually blocking that one page from every user who isn't an admin or you. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:53, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:
{| style=&quot;border: 1px solid gray; background-color: #fdffe7;&quot;
|rowspan=&quot;2&quot; style=&quot;vertical-align:middle;&quot; | [[File:SpecialBarnstar.png|100px]]
|rowspan=&quot;2&quot; |
|style=&quot;font-size: x-large; padding: 0; vertical-align: middle; height: 1.1em;&quot; | '''The Special Barnstar'''
|-
|style=&quot;vertical-align: middle; border-top: 1px solid gray;&quot; | For actually doing this, I think most other Administrators take themselves to far too seriously to do something like this.
|} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:29, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

:Thanks kindly. I'm here to serve. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:35, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

== Merge fork ==

Could you merge my fork of [[Joe Biden]] into the main page (revisions included)? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:59, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

:Probably, but you have to meet me half-way here and link to said fork. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:03, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::[[User:Ilovemydoodle/forks/Main/Joe Biden]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:05, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::&quot;No revisions can be merged.&quot; —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:09, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Why? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:16, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::¯\_(ツ)_/¯ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:17, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::Try now. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:19, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::&quot;No revisions can be merged.&quot; —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:35, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Maybe try importing them instead? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:37, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::How? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:37, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Okay I figured it, this might sound strange, but it should work, merge [[Joe Biden]] into my fork, delete the original [[Joe Biden]] page and then move my fork to [[Joe Biden]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:49, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::&quot;Source revisions overlap or come after destination revisions.&quot; You should just edit the main article. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:00, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::{{done}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:04, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::Also, do you have any work for me to do on Wikiquote? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:05, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::Wow, great question. I think the best thing that can happen here is if someone helps to bring more [[m:Structured Wikiquote|structure and semantics to Wikiquote]]. On a structural level, that is beyond any one person fixing, but anyone can add templates, metadata, etc. E.g. if you cite a source, include a citation template or use proper list semantics, such as not putting line breaks between bullets in a list. That and adding accessibility features like [[:w:en:WP:ALT|alt text]] are important issues to me. Thanks for asking and for all you do around here. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:50, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::I have been doing some of these things for while now, I will continue to do so also doing the other things you mentioned, but I was mainly looking for one or two shorter tasks to do now. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:10, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::Hi {{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, in terms of work to do on Wikiquote:
*[[:Category:Wikiquote no intro]] need intros
*[[:Category:Video games]]' contents needs sorting into categories by year
*[[:Category:Wikiquote cleanup]] has hundreds of articles needing cleanup
*[[Flooding]] could potentially be an article rather than redirect, not 100 percent sure though, depends on quotability.
*There are many entire countries with no article yet. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 16:46, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::Also thank you again Koavf for the admin/maintenance work. I hope we get to see you back at enwiki eventually. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 19:21, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::Thanks, RC! —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:46, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::No worries. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 19:51, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

== Feature ==

Help, I really needed a feature added that lets a Template tell which skin your using. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:58, 19 June 2022 (UTC)

:Wow, I have no idea how to do that. You want to be a thrid party that knows which skin someone is using? I'm not sure that is an option. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:09, 19 June 2022 (UTC)
::I really need it, apparently the background of my talk page break certain features, but only on one skin, and after fixing now it only works on that skin and doesn't work on others, so I really need this fixed, maybe something using css files? 

::Edit: I figured it out, just add some css to the css file for each skin:

::* [[Mediawiki:vector.css]]
::* [[Mediawiki:vector-2022.css]]
::* [[Mediawiki:minerva.css]]
::* [[Mediawiki:monobook.css]]
::* [[Mediawiki:timeless.css]]

::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:55, 19 June 2022 (UTC)
:::{{ping|koavf}} [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:23, 20 June 2022 (UTC)
::::I'm confused why you're pinging me. You just wrote, &quot;I figured it out&quot;, so I thought there was no action for me here. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:35, 20 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::No, I meant that I figured out how YOU can fix it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:52, 20 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::What do you want me to insert in the CSS files? I'm reluctant to do this as it will modify the site for all users, but I'm not entirely opposed. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:03, 20 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::Just make it you have something that only appears when that skin is active.

:::::::Edit: You can do this by making something invisible in common.css and then setting it visible in the skin’s css file. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:05, 20 June 2022 (UTC)

== Feature request ==

Could you make a very useful JavaScript hack for me? Ping me when your ready and I'll give you more information. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 16:21, 23 June 2022 (UTC)

:I'm putting something on my calendar for next weekend--I'm busy this weekend. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:42, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
::Could you please do the other request above, though? (I really need it for something) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:44, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
:::All of them exist except one. I'll add a comment to it and then I suppose that resolves it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:53, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
::::No I mean in each file could you put:
::::&lt;code&gt;span.show-[skin name here] {display: initial;}&lt;/code&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;code&gt;span.hide-[skin name here] {display: none;}&lt;/code&gt;
::::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:00, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::No, I'm not sure what that will do. I'm trying to think of how that would appear in CSS and that seems like it would not display the user preferences. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 21:01, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::Well, you just add this code to common.css for each skin:
::::::&lt;code&gt;span.show-[skin name here] {display: none;}&lt;/code&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;code&gt;span.hide-[skin name here] {display: initial;}&lt;/code&gt;
::::::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:03, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::I'm reluctant to do that becuase of the concerns above. Do you have an example wiki where someone did this? I don't want to tinker with site-wide CSS without a really good reason. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 21:04, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Well, I can't think of any other wiki, but this IS quite important. On my user page I implemented a feature that perfectly well for me, but another user informed me that it didn't work in one skin, so I made one for that skin, but it only worked in that skin, so I need some code to differentiate between skins. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:10, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Could please give me more information about this? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:08, 25 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::If I edit site-wide CSS, that will impact all users with a given skin. So I want to be very conservative about doing that and I don't want to even experiment, lest I mess up someone's view of the site. If you have examples of other wikis doing this or can justify why you need it done with some clarity, then maybe I can help you. Better yet woudl be community consensus. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:15, 25 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::Basically, I want a feature where I can create a span with the class &quot;[Skin Name Here]-show&quot; and it will only show it for users viewing in that skin, there would also be a &quot;[Skin Name Here]-hide&quot; which would do the reverse. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:24, 25 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::And I need to have a greater justification than just your personal preference before I tinker with site-wide CSS. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:44, 25 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::A lot of Templates need different code for each skin to display properly. Also, I don't see any harm in adding this. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:46, 25 June 2022 (UTC)

== Response time ==

Is there anyway to have a discussion in real-time? I would like to have several long discussions about feature requests, but that's not really doable if it takes days between each comment. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:23, 26 June 2022 (UTC)

:I have really only used Gchat (or whatever it's called now) for IMing, but sure. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:31, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::What is Gchat? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:32, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::Google's IMing, associated with Gmail. Again, it's been called a million things. Hangouts now? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:33, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Any WMF way of live chat? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:33, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::I think Matrix: [[m:matrix]]. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:38, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::I keep hearing about &quot;libera chat&quot;, is it what I want? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:40, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::Correct. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:29, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::So, could you explain what it is and how to do what I am requesting with it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:31, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::I've never used it. I just know that it's the replacement for IRC (which I very rarely used). —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:47, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::What’s IRC again? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:52, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::{{w|Internet Relay Chat}}, which was more-or-less popular as a group chat option for decades and the best server for it, {{w|Freenode}} was bought by a jerk, so everyone jumped ship to Libera. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:06, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::How does libera work? Would it be good for what I want? And, do you have an account there? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:08, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::It's a good chat service, as I understand it and would meet your needs. I've never used it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:13, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::Can you create an account? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:48, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::Sure, if that's the method you want to use. I'm here to help. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 07:00, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::::What is the name of your account? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:05, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::@koavf:matrix.org —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:05, 27 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::::::{{ping|koavf}} I mean on libera. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:38, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::::Gotcha. I haven't made one yet. I can when I'm free-er. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 12:52, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::::::::When will that be? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:53, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::::::I have a calendar reminder for the following weekend (i.e. not in a few days but a week and a half). —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 12:58, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::::::::::I am wondering if we can do it today instead? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:07, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::::::::I cannot. I have a busy-ish day and a very busy day tomorrow. To the extent that I can screw around on the Internet, it has to be pretty limited. I'm happy to meet at a time that's mutually convenient, of course. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 13:10, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
{{Outdent|::::::::::}}Thank you! When your ready I have a lot to discuss. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:17, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
:Also, when your ready, could you leave a message saying so on my Talk Page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:03, 4 July 2022 (UTC)
::Can do. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:11, 4 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Can you just send me a calendar invite if you need to chat? I'm afraid that it's hard for me to make the time. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:03, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::I am not sure how to do that, do you mean like mentally, or on Wikiquote? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:54, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::Sorry, I meant to my email address: justinkoavf[littleanarchysymbol][google's email service][period]com. If you can't do that or don't want to share your email address with me, then please let me know. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:14, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::I have had my email address removed a long time ago due to abuse, so I can't use my email. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:18, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::You can't email me directly? That's fine. When would you like to chat? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:35, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::When ever you’re ready to implement a lot of stuff. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:38, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Also, which Template de-indents a discussion? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:58, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::{{tl|outdent}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:04, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Do you have any set date that you would be willing to help implement (or at-least begin the implementation of) a lot of features? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:28, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Unfortunately, I'm busy with work and personal things in July, so I've had a hard time setting a time. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 00:34, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::Also, why did you obfuscate your email address? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:24, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::What is &quot;[littleanarchysymbol]&quot;? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:12, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::Obfuscated for bots. [littleanarchysymbol] = &quot;@&quot;. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 00:34, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::I’m confused, what do you mean obfuscated for bots? Also, if it's obfuscated how I am meant to read it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:49, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::So that a bot couldn't harvest it and spam me. You may be able to read it because you can decode things that a bot can't. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:48, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Oh. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:03, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

== Bug fix ==

In [[Special:ListUsers]] &quot;Administrator&quot; is capitalized, on all other wikis (including Wikipedia) it is lower case. Could you please fix this? You could do this by either making it lower case, or by capitalizing all User Rights. (the second option is the one I prefer) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:28, 26 June 2022 (UTC)

:But all of them are upper case now, so at least that's consistent. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:31, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::Oh wait, I see. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:32, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:I think fixing it would require recreating [[MediaWiki:Administrators]] and making it lower-case, but I'm not sure of all the places where it would be changed. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:34, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::I don't see the problem with doing that. Also, if you prefer it capitalized, you could just capitalize all User Groups. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:36, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::Because it may be transcluded other places where it shouldn't be capitalized. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:37, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Well, it's just fine on en.wp. Also, which option do you prefer? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:39, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::I have no strong feelings on this and while I am actually usually very in favor of consistency and proper usage, this one doesn't bother me much. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:29, 26 June 2022 (UTC)

== A question for you ==

If you ever get unblocked from enwiki, will you still regularly contribute here? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:46, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

:For sure. I plan on it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:13, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

== Issue with your archive page ==

A lot of users used &lt;code&gt;&lt;nowiki&gt;{{PAGENAME}}&lt;/nowiki&gt;&lt;/code&gt; instead &lt;code&gt;koavf&lt;/code&gt; on your Talk Page, so when you archived the page it now says &quot;Hi koavf/archive001&quot; instead of just &quot;Hi koavf.&quot; Could you fix this? (I can't since you protected the page) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:05, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

:Sure, thanks. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 00:34, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

== Rollback vote ==

Could you vote [[Wikiquote:Requests for Rollback/Ilovemydoodle|here]]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:51, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

== Protection request ==

Could you protect [[User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive 1|this page]] so only admins can edit? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 09:34, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive 1|This page]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:15, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::Still isn’t done. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:40, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Wait why is the page gone? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:48, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::::It's back. The easiest way to delete dozens of revisions is to delete the entire page and then un-delete the revisions that you want. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:50, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::Ohhhhhhhh. I was really confused why you were deleting the whole page. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:55, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::Koavf, could you do a full cleansing of the page? What I mean is removing all vandal revisions to the very beginning (even those already revdeled), and then also removing the reverts of those revisions as well. Could you do this? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:15, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::That should be most of them. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:20, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Could you also remove the undos of vandalism? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:23, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Nothing even displays: https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive_1&amp;diff=next&amp;oldid=3139360 Is this really necessary? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:25, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::I would like to do it, to reduce clutter and potential for confusion, so, yes. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:32, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::Thank you, Koavf! – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:51, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

== Protected edit request ==

Could you change [[Template:Test4]] to redirect to [[Template:Uw-vandalism4]] to match Wikipedia? Also, to make the progression to 4im make more sense. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:34, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

== Abuse Filter ==

: ''{{ping|Antandrus}} Could you also give your comment on this?''

Could you add the following terms to the Abuse Filter:

* VKKSTUPID (any capitalization)
* VKKSTUPIDITY (any capitalization)
* AANT (any capitalization)
* AANTANDRUS (any capitalization)
* encyclopediadramatica.online (any capitalization)
* g'p (any capitalization)
* g’p (any capitalization)
* encyclopediadr'matica (any capitalization)
* Antandrus david (any capitalization)
* Ilovemycock (any capitalization)
* Ilovemycok (any capitalization)
* Ethandeath (any capitalization)
* Antdeath (any capitalization)
* ANTANDRUS FUCK BUDDY (any capitalization)
* ANTANDRUS FUKBUDDY (any capitalization)
* FUKBUDDY (any capitalization)
* WP:BOYS (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* Chicago Boys (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* Wikidiot (any capitalization)
* Wikiidiot (any capitalization)
* WMFloser (any capitalization)
* Wikiloser (any capitalization)
* Wikipedo (any capitalization)
* Wikipedoa (any capitalization)
* PAVLOL (any capitalization)
* pause for breath (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* HAHAHA (specified capitalization only)
* ANT COCK (any capitalization)
* GLOBLALY (any capitalization)
* da clock (any capitalization)
* archive.is (any capitalization)
* archive.ph (any capitalization)
* ATTAX (any capitalization)
* REMOVETD (any capitalization)
* JAN PAWEŁ (any capitalization)
* WMF squm (any capitalization)
* 'n' (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* WMFhomopedo (any capitalization)
* as proven! (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* ilovemydoodle = (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* G-R-P (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* GLOBAL BAN EVADER (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* ANT-ANDRUS (any capitalization)
* AANT-ANDRUS (any capitalization)
* ILOVEMYDOODLE LOVES (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* a r c h i v e (any capitalization)
* WMFVOMIT (any capitalization)
* WMFCANCER (any capitalization)
* the fodder (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* THANX (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* THX (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* all is saved (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* forever blocked (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* blocked loser (any capitalization)
* fuckbuddy ant (any capitalization)
* fuckbuddy antandrus (any capitalization)
* antandr's (any capitalization)
* HAHAHAHAHA (specified capitalization only)
* PAUSE FOR BREATH (specified capitalization only)
* O YEA (specified capitalization only)
* o yea (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* yea YEA (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* U CANT SLEEP (any capitalization)
* ANT-STN (any capitalization)
* ency'lopediadram'tica (any capitalization)
* GLOBA LOSER (any capitalization)
* GLOBAL LOSER (any capitalization)
* IN YOUR FACES (specified capitalization only)
* in your faces (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* vvkrejects (any capitalization)
* VVK (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* IN YO FACES (any capitalization)
* vvkhypocrite (any capitalization)
* FOFFER (any capitalization)
* real life stalker (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* REAL LIFE STALKER (specified capitalization only)
* DEFYING LOGIC (specified capitalization only)
* FOR WMF (specified capitalization only)
* globally blocked lta (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* GLOBALLY BLOCKED LTA (specified capitalization only)
* WMF RESPECT (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* wikitruth (any capitalization)
* wmf stands for (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* wmf stand for (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* WMF STANDS FOR (specified capitalization only)
* WMF STAND FOR (specified capitalization only)
* I LOVE MY COCK (any capitalization)
* wmf total (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* WMF TOTAL (specified capitalization only)
* fight u (any capitalization)
* ET AL (specified capitalization only)
* zero brains (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* BL*TANT (any capitalization)
* utm*st (any capitalization)
* UTMOST (specified capitalization only)
* Suckpuppet (any capitalization)
* wikihomopedoia (any capitalization)
* ED loser (any capitalization)
* HAHAHAHAHAHA (specified capitalization only)
* AKA (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* VVKLOSER (any capitalization)
– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:46, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

:I've edited the abuse filter before, but I'm not a whiz at it. Note that blocking edits outright based on some of these filters would certainly disrupt standard editing. I feel like this is probably not the best way to stop vandalism and would want to get more consensus from the community. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:52, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
::How about you block the ones that are obviously vandalism entirely. And the potentially good-faith ones could be allowed only for autoconfirmed. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:17, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I'd still want a broader consensus. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:22, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Also, could you protect [[Wikiquote:Village pump archive 60|this page]]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:24, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
:Imagine what GRP would do if when he next logs in Wikiquote using one of his 50 trillion VPNs, and all of his favorite buzzwords get blocked by the Abuse Filter. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:56, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
::Again, please post to the Village Pump to get consensus. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:15, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
:::{{done}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:44, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

== Quick fix needed ==

Could you please create [[MediaWiki:Dot-separator|this page]]? It's needed for a lot of templates on Wikipedia, so when I import them, they don't work. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:04, 11 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:16, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::Question: how do you import revisions? I regularly import templates from Wikipedia, so it would be nice to be able to import the revisions too. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:39, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::[[Special:Import]], if you are an admin. You are not importing, you're just copying and pasting, which is fine as long as you give attribution in the edit summary or the talk page. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:43, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Is there anyway to import '''without''' being an admin? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:45, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::No, just ask an admin to do it. Again, it's fine to completely reproduce any of the content from any WMF project anywhere, it just requires attribution. The problem with copy/paste &quot;importing&quot; is that it may not import all dependencies. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:49, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::Well, I know how to import dependencies, I would just like the ability to import revisions too, as I import hundreds of templates regularly. Also, when copying I often forget to attribute. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:54, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::If you forget, in practice, it's not the biggest deal in the world, but you really should post a note on the talk page saying where it came from and how someone could find attribution at the original source. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:55, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Well, according to [[w:WP:IMPORTS|this]], there is a group for &lt;code&gt;import&lt;/code&gt;, just like &lt;code&gt;rollback&lt;/code&gt;. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:59, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Heads up that it's [[:w:en:Help:Import]] or [[:w:en:WP:IMPORT]]. In theory, we can activate importer and transwiki importers here, but we [[Special:ListUsers/import|don't have any]] and I personally can't do it, as it requires a bureaucrat. Generally, import rights outside of being an admin is rare and reserved for weird circumstances (e.g. a user on en.wp who has access to very old server logs and imports edits from 2001 occasionally). —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:04, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Can I make a request? And, if so, where? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:19, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::You can request import at the admin's noticeboard. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:25, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::{{done}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:40, 11 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

Could please revdel these two revisions? (they are both by the same vandal)
* [[Special:Diff/3140786|1]]
* [[Special:Diff/3140787|2]]
– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:08, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:10, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::Second one too? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:12, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I think you forgot the second one. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:10, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Check again. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:06, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Kim_Il-sung&amp;oldid=3140787 Still there] – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:20, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::Gotcha. I deleted the edit summary. Thanks: hate speech has no place here except in the context of historically meaningful and educational quotations.o —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:33, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::Could you also give feedback to my question on the village pump? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:36, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

== Protection request ==

Could you protect [[User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive 1|this page]] so only admins can edit? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:11, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} I already did that. Now I've done it twice. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:07, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

== Question about the abuse filter ==

Can importing revisions ever trigger the abuse filter? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:19, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

:Probably? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 14:35, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::Which user right (not group) allows you to bypass the abuse filter? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:01, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I don't know anything more than this: [[:mw:Extension:AbuseFilter#User_rights]]. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 15:55, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Who would know more about this? Should I ping Aklapper? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:13, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::Possibly. I think a lot of folks on en.wp would know. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:31, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::I already asked a few hours ago on the help desk, still no response. I also asked on meta, also no response. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:33, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::I got two answers, here: [[m:Special:Diff/23515465|meta]], [[w:Special:Diff/1097930390|wikipedia]]. So the answer (thankfully) appears to be no. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:52, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

== Importer proposal ==

Could you give me feedback on my importer proposal? (not for/against, just about improving the proposal) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:54, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

== &lt;s&gt;Emergency&lt;/s&gt; ==

&lt;s&gt;QOTD missing!&lt;/s&gt; {{done}} by Kalki. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:01, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

== Question about my import proposal ==

Some of the permissions I know for sure are needed, for others I am pretty sure, and a few are just guesses. So, do you know who specifically I could ask about this? This would make sure that ones that are not needed can be removed, and that needed ones that are not listed can be added. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:47, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

:I don't have a recommendation on this, no. It's your proposal: you can make it however you want. You just need to be clear and explain your reasoning. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 11:16, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

== &lt;s&gt;QOTD&lt;/s&gt;==

&lt;s&gt;QOTD is missing!&lt;/s&gt; {{done}} by Kalki. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:22, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Question about my requests to you that could be asked more generally on VP or AN ==

Are you okay with this, or does it bother you? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:32, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

:If the worst thing that happens to me here is that someone is too enthusiastic, that's a good problem to have. I like your edits and interest in helping out. I just want to make sure that any kind of radical changes get larger community support. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:37, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:Contributions/Mr. Dick Pump|These two edits]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:28, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 14:56, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:contribs/2001:E68:6125:E800:9458:3779:9236:6072|Three edit summaries]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:16, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 14:57, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:contribs/2603:6010:c600:a8:40c4:fa43:6b2d:63ac|Three revisions]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:00, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

:&lt;small&gt;([[:w:WP:TPS|talk page stalker]])&lt;/small&gt; {{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, {{done}} but only one revision. The others aren't eligible for revdel. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 20:12, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

== Potential issue with import proposal ==

If the page has already been imported manually and changed since, but the page on the wiki you are importing from has also been changed, then the merge will fail. So is there any kind of right that I could that would let you remove a revision? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:04, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

:Just being an admin. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:02, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
::Does the database keep track of if an edit is imported? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:09, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I'm not certain. From what I've seen, it's seamless. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:49, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
::::I mean in the backend. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:59, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::I'm not sure. I would think so. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 21:13, 16 July 2022 (UTC)

== Online ==

Are you online right now? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:32, 16 July 2022 (UTC)

:I'll have a little availability, but I'm getting sleepy actually--I've been sick lately. :/ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:02, 16 July 2022 (UTC)

== Online ==

Are you still online? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:02, 16 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:Diff/3143353|This]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:53, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:51, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

== Bureaucrat ==

I wanted to nominate you for bureaucrat, but I could not think of enough reasons for a full nomination. Could you nominate yourself? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:22, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{not done}} I'm pretty busy now, so picking up extra responsibility seems like a bad idea. :/ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:51, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
::Later? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:52, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Maybe! —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:59, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:Diff/3121426|This]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:32, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:38, 19 July 2022 (UTC)

== Hounding ==

I have noticed that a particular new editor here seems to be here only in discussion pages, which is fine in my opinion, but they appear to particularly targeting me (voting against various proposals, listing pages for deletion, etc.), and haven't been doing any mainspsce editing or editing in other discussions, does this count as hounding? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:37, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{ping|AC9016}} Do you agree? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:38, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:It could be. I haven't seen this behavior yet. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 15:42, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
::[[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|Here]] – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:44, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I have not observed this behavior either. My time on Wikiquote is overwhelmingly spent on creating and editing pages. --[[User:AC9016|AC9016]] ([[User talk:AC9016|talk]]) 15:57, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I see you posted to his talk, so let's see where that goes. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 15:58, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

== Strikethrough templates ==

Templates what is your opinion on {{t|Ds}}, {{t|Ts}}, and {{t|Qs}}? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:52, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

:It's not obvious to me why these exist. If you need to semantically mark up that something is deleted or struck, then we have those options, so why do we need to visually have a template that strikes something four times? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 07:48, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

== Availability ==

When do you think you could help with the js feature requests previously mentioned? Thanks. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:04, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

:Which one again? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:11, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
::Not specifically one, several small ones over IRC. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:16, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Oh, not anytime soon. Sorry. :/
:::I have work, school, and travel. I am happy to do continued maintenance on projects where I am an admin (e.g. here), but doing anything ambitious is on an indefinite hold. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:18, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Not that big, only small to medium additions. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:22, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

== AN Archives ==

Hello. I noticed that you sysop-protected [[Wikiquote:Administrators' noticeboard/Archive/037]] but this is blocking [[Special:Contribs/MABot|my bot]] from archiving the [[WQ:AN]] as requested. Would you prefer if I start archiving in [[Wikiquote:Administrators' noticeboard/Archive/038]] instead? If this is due to vandalism, an AbuseFilter could be created to avoid subpages of the AN to be editted by anyone but sysops and bots. Regards, --[[User:MarcoAurelio|MarcoAurelio]] ([[User talk:MarcoAurelio|talk]]) 11:10, 28 July 2022 (UTC)

:Maybe your bot can just be an admin? I'm not a bureaucrat, so I can't do it unilaterally, but you're a trusted user, so I don't see that as being a problem. I'll unprotect for now. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 16:30, 28 July 2022 (UTC)
::Thank you. I appreciate your words, but I do not think my bot should have +sysop as it is very dangerous. Bots can, however, edit pages protected up to the autoconfirmed level so if vandalism on that page is an issue you may reprotect it to the &quot;edit: autoconfirmed&quot; level and my bot won't have troubles with bypassing that restriction. Regards, --[[User:MarcoAurelio|MarcoAurelio]] ([[User talk:MarcoAurelio|talk]]) 10:45, 29 July 2022 (UTC)

== Hello ==

I would like to inform you that I have returned here after three weeks.

I mainly left due to the large-scale deletion of my templates and modules, most of which was unjustified. I would like to have these undeleted so the issues with templates can be properly addressed, rather than just deleting them. I would like to start by having these templates undeleted:
* [[Template:T]]
* [[Template:Blockedreason]]
* [[Template:Removed]] (and [[Template:Vote removed]])
Do you think you help with this? And, if so, could you add some-sort-of messaging saying that it is currently being worked-on and should ''not'' be immediately re-VfD'd? Thanks. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:44, 11 August 2022 (UTC)

:Welcome. I would recommend starting with the admins who deleted them and see if they think for some reason there was an error or something was deleted out of process. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:50, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
::I am not saying that is out of error, I just think that I can ''easily'' fix the issues that were given as the reason for deletion. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:52, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
:::Also, you would need to undelete the associated sub-pages. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:53, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
:::Sure, well I would still start with the deleting admin. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:55, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
::::{{done}} added a link to this discussion. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:58, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
::::Wait... the deleting admin only deleted it because of a VfD, so if I am able to address the problems raised in the VfD, couldn't it just be undelete without needless bureaucracy? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:17, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
* All I did was close the discussions. In nearly every one, the consensus to delete was unanimous. I would recommend you take some time to consider working on tasks that do not require the creation of large amounts of templates and subpages, give that this wasn't a one-off issue, but one where there were scores of pages that needed to be deleted. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 20:35, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
*:{{ping|GreenMeansGo}} My reason for creating these was not just randomly make bad templates, instead I was trying to implement a much larger idea for Wikiquote, but since it would be such a large change and would require large changes to backend things like php and js, I instead only implemented a very small amount of it. But, since I only implemented small amounts of what actually wanted to do '''without context''', I instead made something that doesn't have any propose or value. So, instead, I would like to make a local 'test wiki' where I can work on larger things like this that can later be implemented properly on the main wiki.
*:Do you think you could help by sending an xml file of the deleted pages? Thanks, – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:31, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
*::I nominated the templates for deletion (and there was unanimous consensus to delete them) because they were fundamentally crap templates. The fact the implementation was terrible was only a small part of the problem, the big issue is that the ''ideas'' behind them were awful. No amount of JavaScript or PHP would have turned those pages into useful templates.
*::You have tried to reinvent processes for no good reason (often in really stupid ways involving obnoxious amounts of pings), you have made pointless duplicate templates that recreate functionality that already exists, and have created templates that should not be used under any situation because they violate fundamental project policies and fly in the face of wiki culture.
*::Of those three templates the first one duplicates a template we already have, the second was another duplicate template but with some really really terrible modifications, and the third was a horrendously bad idea for a template that should never ''ever'' be used under any situation.
*::I would oppose restoring these as the community has made it clear they don't want them. Banning people from nominating them for deletion after a unanimous consensus to delete is also a grossly inappropriate suggestion. The only admin action that I could see being remotely appropriate here is blocking you from template and module space. You clearly do not have the [[W:WP:CIR|competence]] to edit there productively and have made a ridiculous amount of mess treating this project as your personal sandbox that is going to take months and months to clean up. I haven't edited in a week due to real life work, but there is still a vast amount of localisation, clean-up and deletion nominations to be done. Fundamentally as a newbie who has only been here for a couple of months you should not be attempting to &quot;implement a much larger idea for Wikiquote&quot; and completely remake the project according to how you think it should be - that isn't how consensus or wiki communities work. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 01:02, 12 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>5gg1q65clo5sa1l3emlzydqzl5uz25u</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153781</id>
      <parentid>3153774</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-12T01:49:08Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ilovemydoodle</username>
        <id>3120156</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Hello */ Reply</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="78498" xml:space="preserve">{{User talk:Koavf/Template:Archive}}
&lt;!-- Please leave comments below this line. --&gt;

== Template:Username ==

Could you please make [[Template:Username]] show the User’s name? I need it for several Templates. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:19, 12 June 2022 (UTC)

:What do you have in mind? Does {{tl|Ping}} not work? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:53, 12 June 2022 (UTC)
::I mean the user viewing it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:56, 12 June 2022 (UTC)
:::{{ping|Kalki}} [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:12, 13 June 2022 (UTC)
:::{{ping|koavf}}
::::I have no idea what you need. What would the template do? How would you use it? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:42, 13 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::A template that displays the username or IP address of the user viewing it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:49, 13 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::Do you have an example on another wiki that does this? I recalled that there was a magic word for this, but I can't seem to find it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:45, 13 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::No, but this is still a very useful *potential* feature. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:45, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

== Request to add Editnotice ==

Could you add [[User:Ilovemydoodle/FakeBlockMessage|this]] Editnotice to my User and User Talk pages? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:38, 15 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} Are you sure you want that message? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:39, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::Yes. Thank you, you are the best admin. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:52, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::Also, it isn't showing up, could you fix this?

::Edit: I think you need to create the page [[Mediawiki:Editnotice-2-Ilovemydoodle|here]] (and [[Mediawiki:Editnotice-3-Ilovemydoodle|here]] for the Talk Page) for it to actually work. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:54, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::That doesn't seem to have done the trick. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:02, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Maybe try some test text instead? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:04, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::I can. Seems like your hack should work, per [[mw:Manual:Interface/Edit notice]], tho. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:05, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::Maybe file a phab report? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:07, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::I fixed it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:12, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Could you also protect the page so only I and Administrators can edit it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:50, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::No, there's no way to do that, other than by manually blocking that one page from every user who isn't an admin or you. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:53, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:
{| style=&quot;border: 1px solid gray; background-color: #fdffe7;&quot;
|rowspan=&quot;2&quot; style=&quot;vertical-align:middle;&quot; | [[File:SpecialBarnstar.png|100px]]
|rowspan=&quot;2&quot; |
|style=&quot;font-size: x-large; padding: 0; vertical-align: middle; height: 1.1em;&quot; | '''The Special Barnstar'''
|-
|style=&quot;vertical-align: middle; border-top: 1px solid gray;&quot; | For actually doing this, I think most other Administrators take themselves to far too seriously to do something like this.
|} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:29, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

:Thanks kindly. I'm here to serve. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:35, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

== Merge fork ==

Could you merge my fork of [[Joe Biden]] into the main page (revisions included)? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:59, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

:Probably, but you have to meet me half-way here and link to said fork. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:03, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::[[User:Ilovemydoodle/forks/Main/Joe Biden]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:05, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::&quot;No revisions can be merged.&quot; —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:09, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Why? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:16, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::¯\_(ツ)_/¯ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:17, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::Try now. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:19, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::&quot;No revisions can be merged.&quot; —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:35, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Maybe try importing them instead? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:37, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::How? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:37, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Okay I figured it, this might sound strange, but it should work, merge [[Joe Biden]] into my fork, delete the original [[Joe Biden]] page and then move my fork to [[Joe Biden]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:49, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::&quot;Source revisions overlap or come after destination revisions.&quot; You should just edit the main article. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:00, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::{{done}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:04, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::Also, do you have any work for me to do on Wikiquote? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:05, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::Wow, great question. I think the best thing that can happen here is if someone helps to bring more [[m:Structured Wikiquote|structure and semantics to Wikiquote]]. On a structural level, that is beyond any one person fixing, but anyone can add templates, metadata, etc. E.g. if you cite a source, include a citation template or use proper list semantics, such as not putting line breaks between bullets in a list. That and adding accessibility features like [[:w:en:WP:ALT|alt text]] are important issues to me. Thanks for asking and for all you do around here. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:50, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::I have been doing some of these things for while now, I will continue to do so also doing the other things you mentioned, but I was mainly looking for one or two shorter tasks to do now. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:10, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::Hi {{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, in terms of work to do on Wikiquote:
*[[:Category:Wikiquote no intro]] need intros
*[[:Category:Video games]]' contents needs sorting into categories by year
*[[:Category:Wikiquote cleanup]] has hundreds of articles needing cleanup
*[[Flooding]] could potentially be an article rather than redirect, not 100 percent sure though, depends on quotability.
*There are many entire countries with no article yet. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 16:46, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::Also thank you again Koavf for the admin/maintenance work. I hope we get to see you back at enwiki eventually. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 19:21, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::Thanks, RC! —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:46, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::No worries. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 19:51, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

== Feature ==

Help, I really needed a feature added that lets a Template tell which skin your using. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:58, 19 June 2022 (UTC)

:Wow, I have no idea how to do that. You want to be a thrid party that knows which skin someone is using? I'm not sure that is an option. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:09, 19 June 2022 (UTC)
::I really need it, apparently the background of my talk page break certain features, but only on one skin, and after fixing now it only works on that skin and doesn't work on others, so I really need this fixed, maybe something using css files? 

::Edit: I figured it out, just add some css to the css file for each skin:

::* [[Mediawiki:vector.css]]
::* [[Mediawiki:vector-2022.css]]
::* [[Mediawiki:minerva.css]]
::* [[Mediawiki:monobook.css]]
::* [[Mediawiki:timeless.css]]

::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:55, 19 June 2022 (UTC)
:::{{ping|koavf}} [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:23, 20 June 2022 (UTC)
::::I'm confused why you're pinging me. You just wrote, &quot;I figured it out&quot;, so I thought there was no action for me here. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:35, 20 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::No, I meant that I figured out how YOU can fix it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:52, 20 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::What do you want me to insert in the CSS files? I'm reluctant to do this as it will modify the site for all users, but I'm not entirely opposed. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:03, 20 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::Just make it you have something that only appears when that skin is active.

:::::::Edit: You can do this by making something invisible in common.css and then setting it visible in the skin’s css file. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:05, 20 June 2022 (UTC)

== Feature request ==

Could you make a very useful JavaScript hack for me? Ping me when your ready and I'll give you more information. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 16:21, 23 June 2022 (UTC)

:I'm putting something on my calendar for next weekend--I'm busy this weekend. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:42, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
::Could you please do the other request above, though? (I really need it for something) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:44, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
:::All of them exist except one. I'll add a comment to it and then I suppose that resolves it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:53, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
::::No I mean in each file could you put:
::::&lt;code&gt;span.show-[skin name here] {display: initial;}&lt;/code&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;code&gt;span.hide-[skin name here] {display: none;}&lt;/code&gt;
::::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:00, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::No, I'm not sure what that will do. I'm trying to think of how that would appear in CSS and that seems like it would not display the user preferences. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 21:01, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::Well, you just add this code to common.css for each skin:
::::::&lt;code&gt;span.show-[skin name here] {display: none;}&lt;/code&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;code&gt;span.hide-[skin name here] {display: initial;}&lt;/code&gt;
::::::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:03, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::I'm reluctant to do that becuase of the concerns above. Do you have an example wiki where someone did this? I don't want to tinker with site-wide CSS without a really good reason. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 21:04, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Well, I can't think of any other wiki, but this IS quite important. On my user page I implemented a feature that perfectly well for me, but another user informed me that it didn't work in one skin, so I made one for that skin, but it only worked in that skin, so I need some code to differentiate between skins. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:10, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Could please give me more information about this? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:08, 25 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::If I edit site-wide CSS, that will impact all users with a given skin. So I want to be very conservative about doing that and I don't want to even experiment, lest I mess up someone's view of the site. If you have examples of other wikis doing this or can justify why you need it done with some clarity, then maybe I can help you. Better yet woudl be community consensus. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:15, 25 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::Basically, I want a feature where I can create a span with the class &quot;[Skin Name Here]-show&quot; and it will only show it for users viewing in that skin, there would also be a &quot;[Skin Name Here]-hide&quot; which would do the reverse. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:24, 25 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::And I need to have a greater justification than just your personal preference before I tinker with site-wide CSS. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:44, 25 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::A lot of Templates need different code for each skin to display properly. Also, I don't see any harm in adding this. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:46, 25 June 2022 (UTC)

== Response time ==

Is there anyway to have a discussion in real-time? I would like to have several long discussions about feature requests, but that's not really doable if it takes days between each comment. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:23, 26 June 2022 (UTC)

:I have really only used Gchat (or whatever it's called now) for IMing, but sure. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:31, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::What is Gchat? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:32, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::Google's IMing, associated with Gmail. Again, it's been called a million things. Hangouts now? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:33, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Any WMF way of live chat? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:33, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::I think Matrix: [[m:matrix]]. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:38, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::I keep hearing about &quot;libera chat&quot;, is it what I want? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:40, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::Correct. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:29, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::So, could you explain what it is and how to do what I am requesting with it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:31, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::I've never used it. I just know that it's the replacement for IRC (which I very rarely used). —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:47, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::What’s IRC again? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:52, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::{{w|Internet Relay Chat}}, which was more-or-less popular as a group chat option for decades and the best server for it, {{w|Freenode}} was bought by a jerk, so everyone jumped ship to Libera. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:06, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::How does libera work? Would it be good for what I want? And, do you have an account there? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:08, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::It's a good chat service, as I understand it and would meet your needs. I've never used it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:13, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::Can you create an account? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:48, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::Sure, if that's the method you want to use. I'm here to help. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 07:00, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::::What is the name of your account? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:05, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::@koavf:matrix.org —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:05, 27 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::::::{{ping|koavf}} I mean on libera. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:38, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::::Gotcha. I haven't made one yet. I can when I'm free-er. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 12:52, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::::::::When will that be? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:53, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::::::I have a calendar reminder for the following weekend (i.e. not in a few days but a week and a half). —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 12:58, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::::::::::I am wondering if we can do it today instead? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:07, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::::::::I cannot. I have a busy-ish day and a very busy day tomorrow. To the extent that I can screw around on the Internet, it has to be pretty limited. I'm happy to meet at a time that's mutually convenient, of course. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 13:10, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
{{Outdent|::::::::::}}Thank you! When your ready I have a lot to discuss. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:17, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
:Also, when your ready, could you leave a message saying so on my Talk Page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:03, 4 July 2022 (UTC)
::Can do. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:11, 4 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Can you just send me a calendar invite if you need to chat? I'm afraid that it's hard for me to make the time. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:03, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::I am not sure how to do that, do you mean like mentally, or on Wikiquote? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:54, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::Sorry, I meant to my email address: justinkoavf[littleanarchysymbol][google's email service][period]com. If you can't do that or don't want to share your email address with me, then please let me know. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:14, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::I have had my email address removed a long time ago due to abuse, so I can't use my email. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:18, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::You can't email me directly? That's fine. When would you like to chat? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:35, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::When ever you’re ready to implement a lot of stuff. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:38, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Also, which Template de-indents a discussion? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:58, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::{{tl|outdent}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:04, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Do you have any set date that you would be willing to help implement (or at-least begin the implementation of) a lot of features? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:28, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Unfortunately, I'm busy with work and personal things in July, so I've had a hard time setting a time. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 00:34, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::Also, why did you obfuscate your email address? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:24, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::What is &quot;[littleanarchysymbol]&quot;? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:12, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::Obfuscated for bots. [littleanarchysymbol] = &quot;@&quot;. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 00:34, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::I’m confused, what do you mean obfuscated for bots? Also, if it's obfuscated how I am meant to read it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:49, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::So that a bot couldn't harvest it and spam me. You may be able to read it because you can decode things that a bot can't. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:48, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Oh. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:03, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

== Bug fix ==

In [[Special:ListUsers]] &quot;Administrator&quot; is capitalized, on all other wikis (including Wikipedia) it is lower case. Could you please fix this? You could do this by either making it lower case, or by capitalizing all User Rights. (the second option is the one I prefer) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:28, 26 June 2022 (UTC)

:But all of them are upper case now, so at least that's consistent. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:31, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::Oh wait, I see. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:32, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:I think fixing it would require recreating [[MediaWiki:Administrators]] and making it lower-case, but I'm not sure of all the places where it would be changed. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:34, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::I don't see the problem with doing that. Also, if you prefer it capitalized, you could just capitalize all User Groups. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:36, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::Because it may be transcluded other places where it shouldn't be capitalized. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:37, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Well, it's just fine on en.wp. Also, which option do you prefer? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:39, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::I have no strong feelings on this and while I am actually usually very in favor of consistency and proper usage, this one doesn't bother me much. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:29, 26 June 2022 (UTC)

== A question for you ==

If you ever get unblocked from enwiki, will you still regularly contribute here? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:46, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

:For sure. I plan on it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:13, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

== Issue with your archive page ==

A lot of users used &lt;code&gt;&lt;nowiki&gt;{{PAGENAME}}&lt;/nowiki&gt;&lt;/code&gt; instead &lt;code&gt;koavf&lt;/code&gt; on your Talk Page, so when you archived the page it now says &quot;Hi koavf/archive001&quot; instead of just &quot;Hi koavf.&quot; Could you fix this? (I can't since you protected the page) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:05, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

:Sure, thanks. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 00:34, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

== Rollback vote ==

Could you vote [[Wikiquote:Requests for Rollback/Ilovemydoodle|here]]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:51, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

== Protection request ==

Could you protect [[User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive 1|this page]] so only admins can edit? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 09:34, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive 1|This page]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:15, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::Still isn’t done. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:40, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Wait why is the page gone? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:48, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::::It's back. The easiest way to delete dozens of revisions is to delete the entire page and then un-delete the revisions that you want. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:50, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::Ohhhhhhhh. I was really confused why you were deleting the whole page. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:55, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::Koavf, could you do a full cleansing of the page? What I mean is removing all vandal revisions to the very beginning (even those already revdeled), and then also removing the reverts of those revisions as well. Could you do this? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:15, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::That should be most of them. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:20, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Could you also remove the undos of vandalism? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:23, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Nothing even displays: https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive_1&amp;diff=next&amp;oldid=3139360 Is this really necessary? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:25, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::I would like to do it, to reduce clutter and potential for confusion, so, yes. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:32, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::Thank you, Koavf! – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:51, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

== Protected edit request ==

Could you change [[Template:Test4]] to redirect to [[Template:Uw-vandalism4]] to match Wikipedia? Also, to make the progression to 4im make more sense. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:34, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

== Abuse Filter ==

: ''{{ping|Antandrus}} Could you also give your comment on this?''

Could you add the following terms to the Abuse Filter:

* VKKSTUPID (any capitalization)
* VKKSTUPIDITY (any capitalization)
* AANT (any capitalization)
* AANTANDRUS (any capitalization)
* encyclopediadramatica.online (any capitalization)
* g'p (any capitalization)
* g’p (any capitalization)
* encyclopediadr'matica (any capitalization)
* Antandrus david (any capitalization)
* Ilovemycock (any capitalization)
* Ilovemycok (any capitalization)
* Ethandeath (any capitalization)
* Antdeath (any capitalization)
* ANTANDRUS FUCK BUDDY (any capitalization)
* ANTANDRUS FUKBUDDY (any capitalization)
* FUKBUDDY (any capitalization)
* WP:BOYS (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* Chicago Boys (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* Wikidiot (any capitalization)
* Wikiidiot (any capitalization)
* WMFloser (any capitalization)
* Wikiloser (any capitalization)
* Wikipedo (any capitalization)
* Wikipedoa (any capitalization)
* PAVLOL (any capitalization)
* pause for breath (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* HAHAHA (specified capitalization only)
* ANT COCK (any capitalization)
* GLOBLALY (any capitalization)
* da clock (any capitalization)
* archive.is (any capitalization)
* archive.ph (any capitalization)
* ATTAX (any capitalization)
* REMOVETD (any capitalization)
* JAN PAWEŁ (any capitalization)
* WMF squm (any capitalization)
* 'n' (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* WMFhomopedo (any capitalization)
* as proven! (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* ilovemydoodle = (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* G-R-P (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* GLOBAL BAN EVADER (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* ANT-ANDRUS (any capitalization)
* AANT-ANDRUS (any capitalization)
* ILOVEMYDOODLE LOVES (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* a r c h i v e (any capitalization)
* WMFVOMIT (any capitalization)
* WMFCANCER (any capitalization)
* the fodder (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* THANX (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* THX (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* all is saved (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* forever blocked (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* blocked loser (any capitalization)
* fuckbuddy ant (any capitalization)
* fuckbuddy antandrus (any capitalization)
* antandr's (any capitalization)
* HAHAHAHAHA (specified capitalization only)
* PAUSE FOR BREATH (specified capitalization only)
* O YEA (specified capitalization only)
* o yea (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* yea YEA (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* U CANT SLEEP (any capitalization)
* ANT-STN (any capitalization)
* ency'lopediadram'tica (any capitalization)
* GLOBA LOSER (any capitalization)
* GLOBAL LOSER (any capitalization)
* IN YOUR FACES (specified capitalization only)
* in your faces (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* vvkrejects (any capitalization)
* VVK (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* IN YO FACES (any capitalization)
* vvkhypocrite (any capitalization)
* FOFFER (any capitalization)
* real life stalker (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* REAL LIFE STALKER (specified capitalization only)
* DEFYING LOGIC (specified capitalization only)
* FOR WMF (specified capitalization only)
* globally blocked lta (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* GLOBALLY BLOCKED LTA (specified capitalization only)
* WMF RESPECT (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* wikitruth (any capitalization)
* wmf stands for (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* wmf stand for (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* WMF STANDS FOR (specified capitalization only)
* WMF STAND FOR (specified capitalization only)
* I LOVE MY COCK (any capitalization)
* wmf total (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* WMF TOTAL (specified capitalization only)
* fight u (any capitalization)
* ET AL (specified capitalization only)
* zero brains (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* BL*TANT (any capitalization)
* utm*st (any capitalization)
* UTMOST (specified capitalization only)
* Suckpuppet (any capitalization)
* wikihomopedoia (any capitalization)
* ED loser (any capitalization)
* HAHAHAHAHAHA (specified capitalization only)
* AKA (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* VVKLOSER (any capitalization)
– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:46, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

:I've edited the abuse filter before, but I'm not a whiz at it. Note that blocking edits outright based on some of these filters would certainly disrupt standard editing. I feel like this is probably not the best way to stop vandalism and would want to get more consensus from the community. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:52, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
::How about you block the ones that are obviously vandalism entirely. And the potentially good-faith ones could be allowed only for autoconfirmed. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:17, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I'd still want a broader consensus. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:22, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Also, could you protect [[Wikiquote:Village pump archive 60|this page]]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:24, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
:Imagine what GRP would do if when he next logs in Wikiquote using one of his 50 trillion VPNs, and all of his favorite buzzwords get blocked by the Abuse Filter. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:56, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
::Again, please post to the Village Pump to get consensus. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:15, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
:::{{done}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:44, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

== Quick fix needed ==

Could you please create [[MediaWiki:Dot-separator|this page]]? It's needed for a lot of templates on Wikipedia, so when I import them, they don't work. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:04, 11 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:16, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::Question: how do you import revisions? I regularly import templates from Wikipedia, so it would be nice to be able to import the revisions too. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:39, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::[[Special:Import]], if you are an admin. You are not importing, you're just copying and pasting, which is fine as long as you give attribution in the edit summary or the talk page. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:43, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Is there anyway to import '''without''' being an admin? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:45, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::No, just ask an admin to do it. Again, it's fine to completely reproduce any of the content from any WMF project anywhere, it just requires attribution. The problem with copy/paste &quot;importing&quot; is that it may not import all dependencies. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:49, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::Well, I know how to import dependencies, I would just like the ability to import revisions too, as I import hundreds of templates regularly. Also, when copying I often forget to attribute. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:54, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::If you forget, in practice, it's not the biggest deal in the world, but you really should post a note on the talk page saying where it came from and how someone could find attribution at the original source. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:55, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Well, according to [[w:WP:IMPORTS|this]], there is a group for &lt;code&gt;import&lt;/code&gt;, just like &lt;code&gt;rollback&lt;/code&gt;. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:59, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Heads up that it's [[:w:en:Help:Import]] or [[:w:en:WP:IMPORT]]. In theory, we can activate importer and transwiki importers here, but we [[Special:ListUsers/import|don't have any]] and I personally can't do it, as it requires a bureaucrat. Generally, import rights outside of being an admin is rare and reserved for weird circumstances (e.g. a user on en.wp who has access to very old server logs and imports edits from 2001 occasionally). —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:04, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Can I make a request? And, if so, where? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:19, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::You can request import at the admin's noticeboard. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:25, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::{{done}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:40, 11 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

Could please revdel these two revisions? (they are both by the same vandal)
* [[Special:Diff/3140786|1]]
* [[Special:Diff/3140787|2]]
– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:08, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:10, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::Second one too? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:12, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I think you forgot the second one. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:10, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Check again. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:06, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Kim_Il-sung&amp;oldid=3140787 Still there] – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:20, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::Gotcha. I deleted the edit summary. Thanks: hate speech has no place here except in the context of historically meaningful and educational quotations.o —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:33, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::Could you also give feedback to my question on the village pump? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:36, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

== Protection request ==

Could you protect [[User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive 1|this page]] so only admins can edit? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:11, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} I already did that. Now I've done it twice. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:07, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

== Question about the abuse filter ==

Can importing revisions ever trigger the abuse filter? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:19, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

:Probably? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 14:35, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::Which user right (not group) allows you to bypass the abuse filter? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:01, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I don't know anything more than this: [[:mw:Extension:AbuseFilter#User_rights]]. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 15:55, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Who would know more about this? Should I ping Aklapper? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:13, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::Possibly. I think a lot of folks on en.wp would know. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:31, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::I already asked a few hours ago on the help desk, still no response. I also asked on meta, also no response. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:33, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::I got two answers, here: [[m:Special:Diff/23515465|meta]], [[w:Special:Diff/1097930390|wikipedia]]. So the answer (thankfully) appears to be no. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:52, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

== Importer proposal ==

Could you give me feedback on my importer proposal? (not for/against, just about improving the proposal) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:54, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

== &lt;s&gt;Emergency&lt;/s&gt; ==

&lt;s&gt;QOTD missing!&lt;/s&gt; {{done}} by Kalki. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:01, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

== Question about my import proposal ==

Some of the permissions I know for sure are needed, for others I am pretty sure, and a few are just guesses. So, do you know who specifically I could ask about this? This would make sure that ones that are not needed can be removed, and that needed ones that are not listed can be added. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:47, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

:I don't have a recommendation on this, no. It's your proposal: you can make it however you want. You just need to be clear and explain your reasoning. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 11:16, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

== &lt;s&gt;QOTD&lt;/s&gt;==

&lt;s&gt;QOTD is missing!&lt;/s&gt; {{done}} by Kalki. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:22, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Question about my requests to you that could be asked more generally on VP or AN ==

Are you okay with this, or does it bother you? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:32, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

:If the worst thing that happens to me here is that someone is too enthusiastic, that's a good problem to have. I like your edits and interest in helping out. I just want to make sure that any kind of radical changes get larger community support. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:37, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:Contributions/Mr. Dick Pump|These two edits]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:28, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 14:56, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:contribs/2001:E68:6125:E800:9458:3779:9236:6072|Three edit summaries]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:16, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 14:57, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:contribs/2603:6010:c600:a8:40c4:fa43:6b2d:63ac|Three revisions]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:00, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

:&lt;small&gt;([[:w:WP:TPS|talk page stalker]])&lt;/small&gt; {{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, {{done}} but only one revision. The others aren't eligible for revdel. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 20:12, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

== Potential issue with import proposal ==

If the page has already been imported manually and changed since, but the page on the wiki you are importing from has also been changed, then the merge will fail. So is there any kind of right that I could that would let you remove a revision? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:04, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

:Just being an admin. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:02, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
::Does the database keep track of if an edit is imported? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:09, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I'm not certain. From what I've seen, it's seamless. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:49, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
::::I mean in the backend. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:59, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::I'm not sure. I would think so. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 21:13, 16 July 2022 (UTC)

== Online ==

Are you online right now? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:32, 16 July 2022 (UTC)

:I'll have a little availability, but I'm getting sleepy actually--I've been sick lately. :/ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:02, 16 July 2022 (UTC)

== Online ==

Are you still online? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:02, 16 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:Diff/3143353|This]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:53, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:51, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

== Bureaucrat ==

I wanted to nominate you for bureaucrat, but I could not think of enough reasons for a full nomination. Could you nominate yourself? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:22, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{not done}} I'm pretty busy now, so picking up extra responsibility seems like a bad idea. :/ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:51, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
::Later? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:52, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Maybe! —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:59, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:Diff/3121426|This]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:32, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:38, 19 July 2022 (UTC)

== Hounding ==

I have noticed that a particular new editor here seems to be here only in discussion pages, which is fine in my opinion, but they appear to particularly targeting me (voting against various proposals, listing pages for deletion, etc.), and haven't been doing any mainspsce editing or editing in other discussions, does this count as hounding? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:37, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{ping|AC9016}} Do you agree? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:38, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:It could be. I haven't seen this behavior yet. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 15:42, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
::[[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|Here]] – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:44, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I have not observed this behavior either. My time on Wikiquote is overwhelmingly spent on creating and editing pages. --[[User:AC9016|AC9016]] ([[User talk:AC9016|talk]]) 15:57, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I see you posted to his talk, so let's see where that goes. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 15:58, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

== Strikethrough templates ==

Templates what is your opinion on {{t|Ds}}, {{t|Ts}}, and {{t|Qs}}? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:52, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

:It's not obvious to me why these exist. If you need to semantically mark up that something is deleted or struck, then we have those options, so why do we need to visually have a template that strikes something four times? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 07:48, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

== Availability ==

When do you think you could help with the js feature requests previously mentioned? Thanks. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:04, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

:Which one again? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:11, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
::Not specifically one, several small ones over IRC. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:16, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Oh, not anytime soon. Sorry. :/
:::I have work, school, and travel. I am happy to do continued maintenance on projects where I am an admin (e.g. here), but doing anything ambitious is on an indefinite hold. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:18, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Not that big, only small to medium additions. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:22, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

== AN Archives ==

Hello. I noticed that you sysop-protected [[Wikiquote:Administrators' noticeboard/Archive/037]] but this is blocking [[Special:Contribs/MABot|my bot]] from archiving the [[WQ:AN]] as requested. Would you prefer if I start archiving in [[Wikiquote:Administrators' noticeboard/Archive/038]] instead? If this is due to vandalism, an AbuseFilter could be created to avoid subpages of the AN to be editted by anyone but sysops and bots. Regards, --[[User:MarcoAurelio|MarcoAurelio]] ([[User talk:MarcoAurelio|talk]]) 11:10, 28 July 2022 (UTC)

:Maybe your bot can just be an admin? I'm not a bureaucrat, so I can't do it unilaterally, but you're a trusted user, so I don't see that as being a problem. I'll unprotect for now. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 16:30, 28 July 2022 (UTC)
::Thank you. I appreciate your words, but I do not think my bot should have +sysop as it is very dangerous. Bots can, however, edit pages protected up to the autoconfirmed level so if vandalism on that page is an issue you may reprotect it to the &quot;edit: autoconfirmed&quot; level and my bot won't have troubles with bypassing that restriction. Regards, --[[User:MarcoAurelio|MarcoAurelio]] ([[User talk:MarcoAurelio|talk]]) 10:45, 29 July 2022 (UTC)

== Hello ==

I would like to inform you that I have returned here after three weeks.

I mainly left due to the large-scale deletion of my templates and modules, most of which was unjustified. I would like to have these undeleted so the issues with templates can be properly addressed, rather than just deleting them. I would like to start by having these templates undeleted:
* [[Template:T]]
* [[Template:Blockedreason]]
* [[Template:Removed]] (and [[Template:Vote removed]])
Do you think you help with this? And, if so, could you add some-sort-of messaging saying that it is currently being worked-on and should ''not'' be immediately re-VfD'd? Thanks. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:44, 11 August 2022 (UTC)

:Welcome. I would recommend starting with the admins who deleted them and see if they think for some reason there was an error or something was deleted out of process. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:50, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
::I am not saying that is out of error, I just think that I can ''easily'' fix the issues that were given as the reason for deletion. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:52, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
:::Also, you would need to undelete the associated sub-pages. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:53, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
:::Sure, well I would still start with the deleting admin. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:55, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
::::{{done}} added a link to this discussion. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:58, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
::::Wait... the deleting admin only deleted it because of a VfD, so if I am able to address the problems raised in the VfD, couldn't it just be undelete without needless bureaucracy? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:17, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
* All I did was close the discussions. In nearly every one, the consensus to delete was unanimous. I would recommend you take some time to consider working on tasks that do not require the creation of large amounts of templates and subpages, give that this wasn't a one-off issue, but one where there were scores of pages that needed to be deleted. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 20:35, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
*:{{ping|GreenMeansGo}} My reason for creating these was not just randomly make bad templates, instead I was trying to implement a much larger idea for Wikiquote, but since it would be such a large change and would require large changes to backend things like php and js, I instead only implemented a very small amount of it. But, since I only implemented small amounts of what actually wanted to do '''without context''', I instead made something that doesn't have any propose or value. So, instead, I would like to make a local 'test wiki' where I can work on larger things like this that can later be implemented properly on the main wiki.
*:Do you think you could help by sending an xml file of the deleted pages? Thanks, – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:31, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
*::I nominated the templates for deletion (and there was unanimous consensus to delete them) because they were fundamentally crap templates. The fact the implementation was terrible was only a small part of the problem, the big issue is that the ''ideas'' behind them were awful. No amount of JavaScript or PHP would have turned those pages into useful templates.
*::You have tried to reinvent processes for no good reason (often in really stupid ways involving obnoxious amounts of pings), you have made pointless duplicate templates that recreate functionality that already exists, and have created templates that should not be used under any situation because they violate fundamental project policies and fly in the face of wiki culture.
*::Of those three templates the first one duplicates a template we already have, the second was another duplicate template but with some really really terrible modifications, and the third was a horrendously bad idea for a template that should never ''ever'' be used under any situation.
*::I would oppose restoring these as the community has made it clear they don't want them. Banning people from nominating them for deletion after a unanimous consensus to delete is also a grossly inappropriate suggestion. The only admin action that I could see being remotely appropriate here is blocking you from template and module space. You clearly do not have the [[W:WP:CIR|competence]] to edit there productively and have made a ridiculous amount of mess treating this project as your personal sandbox that is going to take months and months to clean up. I haven't edited in a week due to real life work, but there is still a vast amount of localisation, clean-up and deletion nominations to be done. Fundamentally as a newbie who has only been here for a couple of months you should not be attempting to &quot;implement a much larger idea for Wikiquote&quot; and completely remake the project according to how you think it should be - that isn't how consensus or wiki communities work. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 01:02, 12 August 2022 (UTC)
*:::Forgive me, but, is it not &quot;cleaned up&quot; already? All of templates and modules appear to of been deleted. Also, I was not requesting they all be restored. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:49, 12 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>ppcn24k1tu8x38y79bomh976892bh8i</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153819</id>
      <parentid>3153781</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-12T04:41:32Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Ilovemydoodle</username>
        <id>3120156</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Hello */ Reply</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="78783" xml:space="preserve">{{User talk:Koavf/Template:Archive}}
&lt;!-- Please leave comments below this line. --&gt;

== Template:Username ==

Could you please make [[Template:Username]] show the User’s name? I need it for several Templates. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:19, 12 June 2022 (UTC)

:What do you have in mind? Does {{tl|Ping}} not work? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:53, 12 June 2022 (UTC)
::I mean the user viewing it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:56, 12 June 2022 (UTC)
:::{{ping|Kalki}} [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:12, 13 June 2022 (UTC)
:::{{ping|koavf}}
::::I have no idea what you need. What would the template do? How would you use it? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:42, 13 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::A template that displays the username or IP address of the user viewing it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:49, 13 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::Do you have an example on another wiki that does this? I recalled that there was a magic word for this, but I can't seem to find it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:45, 13 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::No, but this is still a very useful *potential* feature. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:45, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

== Request to add Editnotice ==

Could you add [[User:Ilovemydoodle/FakeBlockMessage|this]] Editnotice to my User and User Talk pages? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:38, 15 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} Are you sure you want that message? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:39, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::Yes. Thank you, you are the best admin. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:52, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::Also, it isn't showing up, could you fix this?

::Edit: I think you need to create the page [[Mediawiki:Editnotice-2-Ilovemydoodle|here]] (and [[Mediawiki:Editnotice-3-Ilovemydoodle|here]] for the Talk Page) for it to actually work. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:54, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::That doesn't seem to have done the trick. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:02, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Maybe try some test text instead? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:04, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::I can. Seems like your hack should work, per [[mw:Manual:Interface/Edit notice]], tho. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:05, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::Maybe file a phab report? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:07, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::I fixed it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:12, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Could you also protect the page so only I and Administrators can edit it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:50, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::No, there's no way to do that, other than by manually blocking that one page from every user who isn't an admin or you. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:53, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:
{| style=&quot;border: 1px solid gray; background-color: #fdffe7;&quot;
|rowspan=&quot;2&quot; style=&quot;vertical-align:middle;&quot; | [[File:SpecialBarnstar.png|100px]]
|rowspan=&quot;2&quot; |
|style=&quot;font-size: x-large; padding: 0; vertical-align: middle; height: 1.1em;&quot; | '''The Special Barnstar'''
|-
|style=&quot;vertical-align: middle; border-top: 1px solid gray;&quot; | For actually doing this, I think most other Administrators take themselves to far too seriously to do something like this.
|} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:29, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

:Thanks kindly. I'm here to serve. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:35, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

== Merge fork ==

Could you merge my fork of [[Joe Biden]] into the main page (revisions included)? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:59, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

:Probably, but you have to meet me half-way here and link to said fork. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:03, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::[[User:Ilovemydoodle/forks/Main/Joe Biden]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:05, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::&quot;No revisions can be merged.&quot; —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:09, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Why? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:16, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::¯\_(ツ)_/¯ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:17, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::Try now. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:19, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::&quot;No revisions can be merged.&quot; —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:35, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Maybe try importing them instead? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:37, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::How? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:37, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Okay I figured it, this might sound strange, but it should work, merge [[Joe Biden]] into my fork, delete the original [[Joe Biden]] page and then move my fork to [[Joe Biden]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:49, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::&quot;Source revisions overlap or come after destination revisions.&quot; You should just edit the main article. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:00, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::{{done}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:04, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::Also, do you have any work for me to do on Wikiquote? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:05, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::Wow, great question. I think the best thing that can happen here is if someone helps to bring more [[m:Structured Wikiquote|structure and semantics to Wikiquote]]. On a structural level, that is beyond any one person fixing, but anyone can add templates, metadata, etc. E.g. if you cite a source, include a citation template or use proper list semantics, such as not putting line breaks between bullets in a list. That and adding accessibility features like [[:w:en:WP:ALT|alt text]] are important issues to me. Thanks for asking and for all you do around here. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:50, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::I have been doing some of these things for while now, I will continue to do so also doing the other things you mentioned, but I was mainly looking for one or two shorter tasks to do now. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:10, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::Hi {{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, in terms of work to do on Wikiquote:
*[[:Category:Wikiquote no intro]] need intros
*[[:Category:Video games]]' contents needs sorting into categories by year
*[[:Category:Wikiquote cleanup]] has hundreds of articles needing cleanup
*[[Flooding]] could potentially be an article rather than redirect, not 100 percent sure though, depends on quotability.
*There are many entire countries with no article yet. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 16:46, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::Also thank you again Koavf for the admin/maintenance work. I hope we get to see you back at enwiki eventually. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 19:21, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::Thanks, RC! —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:46, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::No worries. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 19:51, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

== Feature ==

Help, I really needed a feature added that lets a Template tell which skin your using. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:58, 19 June 2022 (UTC)

:Wow, I have no idea how to do that. You want to be a thrid party that knows which skin someone is using? I'm not sure that is an option. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:09, 19 June 2022 (UTC)
::I really need it, apparently the background of my talk page break certain features, but only on one skin, and after fixing now it only works on that skin and doesn't work on others, so I really need this fixed, maybe something using css files? 

::Edit: I figured it out, just add some css to the css file for each skin:

::* [[Mediawiki:vector.css]]
::* [[Mediawiki:vector-2022.css]]
::* [[Mediawiki:minerva.css]]
::* [[Mediawiki:monobook.css]]
::* [[Mediawiki:timeless.css]]

::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:55, 19 June 2022 (UTC)
:::{{ping|koavf}} [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:23, 20 June 2022 (UTC)
::::I'm confused why you're pinging me. You just wrote, &quot;I figured it out&quot;, so I thought there was no action for me here. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:35, 20 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::No, I meant that I figured out how YOU can fix it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:52, 20 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::What do you want me to insert in the CSS files? I'm reluctant to do this as it will modify the site for all users, but I'm not entirely opposed. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:03, 20 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::Just make it you have something that only appears when that skin is active.

:::::::Edit: You can do this by making something invisible in common.css and then setting it visible in the skin’s css file. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:05, 20 June 2022 (UTC)

== Feature request ==

Could you make a very useful JavaScript hack for me? Ping me when your ready and I'll give you more information. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 16:21, 23 June 2022 (UTC)

:I'm putting something on my calendar for next weekend--I'm busy this weekend. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:42, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
::Could you please do the other request above, though? (I really need it for something) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:44, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
:::All of them exist except one. I'll add a comment to it and then I suppose that resolves it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:53, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
::::No I mean in each file could you put:
::::&lt;code&gt;span.show-[skin name here] {display: initial;}&lt;/code&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;code&gt;span.hide-[skin name here] {display: none;}&lt;/code&gt;
::::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:00, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::No, I'm not sure what that will do. I'm trying to think of how that would appear in CSS and that seems like it would not display the user preferences. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 21:01, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::Well, you just add this code to common.css for each skin:
::::::&lt;code&gt;span.show-[skin name here] {display: none;}&lt;/code&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;code&gt;span.hide-[skin name here] {display: initial;}&lt;/code&gt;
::::::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:03, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::I'm reluctant to do that becuase of the concerns above. Do you have an example wiki where someone did this? I don't want to tinker with site-wide CSS without a really good reason. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 21:04, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Well, I can't think of any other wiki, but this IS quite important. On my user page I implemented a feature that perfectly well for me, but another user informed me that it didn't work in one skin, so I made one for that skin, but it only worked in that skin, so I need some code to differentiate between skins. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:10, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Could please give me more information about this? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:08, 25 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::If I edit site-wide CSS, that will impact all users with a given skin. So I want to be very conservative about doing that and I don't want to even experiment, lest I mess up someone's view of the site. If you have examples of other wikis doing this or can justify why you need it done with some clarity, then maybe I can help you. Better yet woudl be community consensus. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:15, 25 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::Basically, I want a feature where I can create a span with the class &quot;[Skin Name Here]-show&quot; and it will only show it for users viewing in that skin, there would also be a &quot;[Skin Name Here]-hide&quot; which would do the reverse. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:24, 25 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::And I need to have a greater justification than just your personal preference before I tinker with site-wide CSS. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:44, 25 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::A lot of Templates need different code for each skin to display properly. Also, I don't see any harm in adding this. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:46, 25 June 2022 (UTC)

== Response time ==

Is there anyway to have a discussion in real-time? I would like to have several long discussions about feature requests, but that's not really doable if it takes days between each comment. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:23, 26 June 2022 (UTC)

:I have really only used Gchat (or whatever it's called now) for IMing, but sure. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:31, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::What is Gchat? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:32, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::Google's IMing, associated with Gmail. Again, it's been called a million things. Hangouts now? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:33, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Any WMF way of live chat? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:33, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::I think Matrix: [[m:matrix]]. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:38, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::I keep hearing about &quot;libera chat&quot;, is it what I want? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:40, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::Correct. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:29, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::So, could you explain what it is and how to do what I am requesting with it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:31, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::I've never used it. I just know that it's the replacement for IRC (which I very rarely used). —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:47, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::What’s IRC again? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:52, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::{{w|Internet Relay Chat}}, which was more-or-less popular as a group chat option for decades and the best server for it, {{w|Freenode}} was bought by a jerk, so everyone jumped ship to Libera. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:06, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::How does libera work? Would it be good for what I want? And, do you have an account there? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:08, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::It's a good chat service, as I understand it and would meet your needs. I've never used it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:13, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::Can you create an account? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:48, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::Sure, if that's the method you want to use. I'm here to help. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 07:00, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::::What is the name of your account? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:05, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::@koavf:matrix.org —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:05, 27 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::::::{{ping|koavf}} I mean on libera. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:38, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::::Gotcha. I haven't made one yet. I can when I'm free-er. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 12:52, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::::::::When will that be? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:53, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::::::I have a calendar reminder for the following weekend (i.e. not in a few days but a week and a half). —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 12:58, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::::::::::I am wondering if we can do it today instead? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:07, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::::::::I cannot. I have a busy-ish day and a very busy day tomorrow. To the extent that I can screw around on the Internet, it has to be pretty limited. I'm happy to meet at a time that's mutually convenient, of course. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 13:10, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
{{Outdent|::::::::::}}Thank you! When your ready I have a lot to discuss. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:17, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
:Also, when your ready, could you leave a message saying so on my Talk Page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:03, 4 July 2022 (UTC)
::Can do. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:11, 4 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Can you just send me a calendar invite if you need to chat? I'm afraid that it's hard for me to make the time. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:03, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::I am not sure how to do that, do you mean like mentally, or on Wikiquote? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:54, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::Sorry, I meant to my email address: justinkoavf[littleanarchysymbol][google's email service][period]com. If you can't do that or don't want to share your email address with me, then please let me know. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:14, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::I have had my email address removed a long time ago due to abuse, so I can't use my email. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:18, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::You can't email me directly? That's fine. When would you like to chat? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:35, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::When ever you’re ready to implement a lot of stuff. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:38, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Also, which Template de-indents a discussion? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:58, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::{{tl|outdent}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:04, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Do you have any set date that you would be willing to help implement (or at-least begin the implementation of) a lot of features? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:28, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Unfortunately, I'm busy with work and personal things in July, so I've had a hard time setting a time. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 00:34, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::Also, why did you obfuscate your email address? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:24, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::What is &quot;[littleanarchysymbol]&quot;? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:12, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::Obfuscated for bots. [littleanarchysymbol] = &quot;@&quot;. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 00:34, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::I’m confused, what do you mean obfuscated for bots? Also, if it's obfuscated how I am meant to read it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:49, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::So that a bot couldn't harvest it and spam me. You may be able to read it because you can decode things that a bot can't. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:48, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Oh. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:03, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

== Bug fix ==

In [[Special:ListUsers]] &quot;Administrator&quot; is capitalized, on all other wikis (including Wikipedia) it is lower case. Could you please fix this? You could do this by either making it lower case, or by capitalizing all User Rights. (the second option is the one I prefer) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:28, 26 June 2022 (UTC)

:But all of them are upper case now, so at least that's consistent. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:31, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::Oh wait, I see. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:32, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:I think fixing it would require recreating [[MediaWiki:Administrators]] and making it lower-case, but I'm not sure of all the places where it would be changed. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:34, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::I don't see the problem with doing that. Also, if you prefer it capitalized, you could just capitalize all User Groups. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:36, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::Because it may be transcluded other places where it shouldn't be capitalized. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:37, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Well, it's just fine on en.wp. Also, which option do you prefer? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:39, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::I have no strong feelings on this and while I am actually usually very in favor of consistency and proper usage, this one doesn't bother me much. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:29, 26 June 2022 (UTC)

== A question for you ==

If you ever get unblocked from enwiki, will you still regularly contribute here? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:46, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

:For sure. I plan on it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:13, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

== Issue with your archive page ==

A lot of users used &lt;code&gt;&lt;nowiki&gt;{{PAGENAME}}&lt;/nowiki&gt;&lt;/code&gt; instead &lt;code&gt;koavf&lt;/code&gt; on your Talk Page, so when you archived the page it now says &quot;Hi koavf/archive001&quot; instead of just &quot;Hi koavf.&quot; Could you fix this? (I can't since you protected the page) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:05, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

:Sure, thanks. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 00:34, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

== Rollback vote ==

Could you vote [[Wikiquote:Requests for Rollback/Ilovemydoodle|here]]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:51, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

== Protection request ==

Could you protect [[User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive 1|this page]] so only admins can edit? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 09:34, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive 1|This page]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:15, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::Still isn’t done. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:40, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Wait why is the page gone? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:48, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::::It's back. The easiest way to delete dozens of revisions is to delete the entire page and then un-delete the revisions that you want. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:50, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::Ohhhhhhhh. I was really confused why you were deleting the whole page. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:55, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::Koavf, could you do a full cleansing of the page? What I mean is removing all vandal revisions to the very beginning (even those already revdeled), and then also removing the reverts of those revisions as well. Could you do this? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:15, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::That should be most of them. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:20, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Could you also remove the undos of vandalism? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:23, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Nothing even displays: https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive_1&amp;diff=next&amp;oldid=3139360 Is this really necessary? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:25, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::I would like to do it, to reduce clutter and potential for confusion, so, yes. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:32, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::Thank you, Koavf! – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:51, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

== Protected edit request ==

Could you change [[Template:Test4]] to redirect to [[Template:Uw-vandalism4]] to match Wikipedia? Also, to make the progression to 4im make more sense. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:34, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

== Abuse Filter ==

: ''{{ping|Antandrus}} Could you also give your comment on this?''

Could you add the following terms to the Abuse Filter:

* VKKSTUPID (any capitalization)
* VKKSTUPIDITY (any capitalization)
* AANT (any capitalization)
* AANTANDRUS (any capitalization)
* encyclopediadramatica.online (any capitalization)
* g'p (any capitalization)
* g’p (any capitalization)
* encyclopediadr'matica (any capitalization)
* Antandrus david (any capitalization)
* Ilovemycock (any capitalization)
* Ilovemycok (any capitalization)
* Ethandeath (any capitalization)
* Antdeath (any capitalization)
* ANTANDRUS FUCK BUDDY (any capitalization)
* ANTANDRUS FUKBUDDY (any capitalization)
* FUKBUDDY (any capitalization)
* WP:BOYS (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* Chicago Boys (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* Wikidiot (any capitalization)
* Wikiidiot (any capitalization)
* WMFloser (any capitalization)
* Wikiloser (any capitalization)
* Wikipedo (any capitalization)
* Wikipedoa (any capitalization)
* PAVLOL (any capitalization)
* pause for breath (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* HAHAHA (specified capitalization only)
* ANT COCK (any capitalization)
* GLOBLALY (any capitalization)
* da clock (any capitalization)
* archive.is (any capitalization)
* archive.ph (any capitalization)
* ATTAX (any capitalization)
* REMOVETD (any capitalization)
* JAN PAWEŁ (any capitalization)
* WMF squm (any capitalization)
* 'n' (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* WMFhomopedo (any capitalization)
* as proven! (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* ilovemydoodle = (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* G-R-P (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* GLOBAL BAN EVADER (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* ANT-ANDRUS (any capitalization)
* AANT-ANDRUS (any capitalization)
* ILOVEMYDOODLE LOVES (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* a r c h i v e (any capitalization)
* WMFVOMIT (any capitalization)
* WMFCANCER (any capitalization)
* the fodder (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* THANX (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* THX (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* all is saved (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* forever blocked (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* blocked loser (any capitalization)
* fuckbuddy ant (any capitalization)
* fuckbuddy antandrus (any capitalization)
* antandr's (any capitalization)
* HAHAHAHAHA (specified capitalization only)
* PAUSE FOR BREATH (specified capitalization only)
* O YEA (specified capitalization only)
* o yea (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* yea YEA (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* U CANT SLEEP (any capitalization)
* ANT-STN (any capitalization)
* ency'lopediadram'tica (any capitalization)
* GLOBA LOSER (any capitalization)
* GLOBAL LOSER (any capitalization)
* IN YOUR FACES (specified capitalization only)
* in your faces (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* vvkrejects (any capitalization)
* VVK (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* IN YO FACES (any capitalization)
* vvkhypocrite (any capitalization)
* FOFFER (any capitalization)
* real life stalker (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* REAL LIFE STALKER (specified capitalization only)
* DEFYING LOGIC (specified capitalization only)
* FOR WMF (specified capitalization only)
* globally blocked lta (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* GLOBALLY BLOCKED LTA (specified capitalization only)
* WMF RESPECT (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* wikitruth (any capitalization)
* wmf stands for (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* wmf stand for (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* WMF STANDS FOR (specified capitalization only)
* WMF STAND FOR (specified capitalization only)
* I LOVE MY COCK (any capitalization)
* wmf total (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* WMF TOTAL (specified capitalization only)
* fight u (any capitalization)
* ET AL (specified capitalization only)
* zero brains (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* BL*TANT (any capitalization)
* utm*st (any capitalization)
* UTMOST (specified capitalization only)
* Suckpuppet (any capitalization)
* wikihomopedoia (any capitalization)
* ED loser (any capitalization)
* HAHAHAHAHAHA (specified capitalization only)
* AKA (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* VVKLOSER (any capitalization)
– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:46, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

:I've edited the abuse filter before, but I'm not a whiz at it. Note that blocking edits outright based on some of these filters would certainly disrupt standard editing. I feel like this is probably not the best way to stop vandalism and would want to get more consensus from the community. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:52, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
::How about you block the ones that are obviously vandalism entirely. And the potentially good-faith ones could be allowed only for autoconfirmed. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:17, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I'd still want a broader consensus. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:22, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Also, could you protect [[Wikiquote:Village pump archive 60|this page]]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:24, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
:Imagine what GRP would do if when he next logs in Wikiquote using one of his 50 trillion VPNs, and all of his favorite buzzwords get blocked by the Abuse Filter. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:56, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
::Again, please post to the Village Pump to get consensus. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:15, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
:::{{done}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:44, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

== Quick fix needed ==

Could you please create [[MediaWiki:Dot-separator|this page]]? It's needed for a lot of templates on Wikipedia, so when I import them, they don't work. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:04, 11 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:16, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::Question: how do you import revisions? I regularly import templates from Wikipedia, so it would be nice to be able to import the revisions too. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:39, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::[[Special:Import]], if you are an admin. You are not importing, you're just copying and pasting, which is fine as long as you give attribution in the edit summary or the talk page. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:43, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Is there anyway to import '''without''' being an admin? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:45, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::No, just ask an admin to do it. Again, it's fine to completely reproduce any of the content from any WMF project anywhere, it just requires attribution. The problem with copy/paste &quot;importing&quot; is that it may not import all dependencies. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:49, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::Well, I know how to import dependencies, I would just like the ability to import revisions too, as I import hundreds of templates regularly. Also, when copying I often forget to attribute. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:54, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::If you forget, in practice, it's not the biggest deal in the world, but you really should post a note on the talk page saying where it came from and how someone could find attribution at the original source. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:55, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Well, according to [[w:WP:IMPORTS|this]], there is a group for &lt;code&gt;import&lt;/code&gt;, just like &lt;code&gt;rollback&lt;/code&gt;. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:59, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Heads up that it's [[:w:en:Help:Import]] or [[:w:en:WP:IMPORT]]. In theory, we can activate importer and transwiki importers here, but we [[Special:ListUsers/import|don't have any]] and I personally can't do it, as it requires a bureaucrat. Generally, import rights outside of being an admin is rare and reserved for weird circumstances (e.g. a user on en.wp who has access to very old server logs and imports edits from 2001 occasionally). —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:04, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Can I make a request? And, if so, where? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:19, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::You can request import at the admin's noticeboard. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:25, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::{{done}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:40, 11 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

Could please revdel these two revisions? (they are both by the same vandal)
* [[Special:Diff/3140786|1]]
* [[Special:Diff/3140787|2]]
– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:08, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:10, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::Second one too? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:12, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I think you forgot the second one. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:10, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Check again. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:06, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Kim_Il-sung&amp;oldid=3140787 Still there] – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:20, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::Gotcha. I deleted the edit summary. Thanks: hate speech has no place here except in the context of historically meaningful and educational quotations.o —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:33, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::Could you also give feedback to my question on the village pump? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:36, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

== Protection request ==

Could you protect [[User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive 1|this page]] so only admins can edit? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:11, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} I already did that. Now I've done it twice. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:07, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

== Question about the abuse filter ==

Can importing revisions ever trigger the abuse filter? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:19, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

:Probably? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 14:35, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::Which user right (not group) allows you to bypass the abuse filter? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:01, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I don't know anything more than this: [[:mw:Extension:AbuseFilter#User_rights]]. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 15:55, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Who would know more about this? Should I ping Aklapper? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:13, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::Possibly. I think a lot of folks on en.wp would know. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:31, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::I already asked a few hours ago on the help desk, still no response. I also asked on meta, also no response. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:33, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::I got two answers, here: [[m:Special:Diff/23515465|meta]], [[w:Special:Diff/1097930390|wikipedia]]. So the answer (thankfully) appears to be no. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:52, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

== Importer proposal ==

Could you give me feedback on my importer proposal? (not for/against, just about improving the proposal) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:54, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

== &lt;s&gt;Emergency&lt;/s&gt; ==

&lt;s&gt;QOTD missing!&lt;/s&gt; {{done}} by Kalki. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:01, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

== Question about my import proposal ==

Some of the permissions I know for sure are needed, for others I am pretty sure, and a few are just guesses. So, do you know who specifically I could ask about this? This would make sure that ones that are not needed can be removed, and that needed ones that are not listed can be added. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:47, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

:I don't have a recommendation on this, no. It's your proposal: you can make it however you want. You just need to be clear and explain your reasoning. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 11:16, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

== &lt;s&gt;QOTD&lt;/s&gt;==

&lt;s&gt;QOTD is missing!&lt;/s&gt; {{done}} by Kalki. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:22, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Question about my requests to you that could be asked more generally on VP or AN ==

Are you okay with this, or does it bother you? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:32, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

:If the worst thing that happens to me here is that someone is too enthusiastic, that's a good problem to have. I like your edits and interest in helping out. I just want to make sure that any kind of radical changes get larger community support. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:37, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:Contributions/Mr. Dick Pump|These two edits]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:28, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 14:56, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:contribs/2001:E68:6125:E800:9458:3779:9236:6072|Three edit summaries]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:16, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 14:57, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:contribs/2603:6010:c600:a8:40c4:fa43:6b2d:63ac|Three revisions]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:00, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

:&lt;small&gt;([[:w:WP:TPS|talk page stalker]])&lt;/small&gt; {{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, {{done}} but only one revision. The others aren't eligible for revdel. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 20:12, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

== Potential issue with import proposal ==

If the page has already been imported manually and changed since, but the page on the wiki you are importing from has also been changed, then the merge will fail. So is there any kind of right that I could that would let you remove a revision? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:04, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

:Just being an admin. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:02, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
::Does the database keep track of if an edit is imported? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:09, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I'm not certain. From what I've seen, it's seamless. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:49, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
::::I mean in the backend. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:59, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::I'm not sure. I would think so. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 21:13, 16 July 2022 (UTC)

== Online ==

Are you online right now? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:32, 16 July 2022 (UTC)

:I'll have a little availability, but I'm getting sleepy actually--I've been sick lately. :/ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:02, 16 July 2022 (UTC)

== Online ==

Are you still online? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:02, 16 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:Diff/3143353|This]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:53, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:51, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

== Bureaucrat ==

I wanted to nominate you for bureaucrat, but I could not think of enough reasons for a full nomination. Could you nominate yourself? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:22, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{not done}} I'm pretty busy now, so picking up extra responsibility seems like a bad idea. :/ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:51, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
::Later? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:52, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Maybe! —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:59, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:Diff/3121426|This]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:32, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:38, 19 July 2022 (UTC)

== Hounding ==

I have noticed that a particular new editor here seems to be here only in discussion pages, which is fine in my opinion, but they appear to particularly targeting me (voting against various proposals, listing pages for deletion, etc.), and haven't been doing any mainspsce editing or editing in other discussions, does this count as hounding? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:37, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{ping|AC9016}} Do you agree? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:38, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:It could be. I haven't seen this behavior yet. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 15:42, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
::[[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|Here]] – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:44, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I have not observed this behavior either. My time on Wikiquote is overwhelmingly spent on creating and editing pages. --[[User:AC9016|AC9016]] ([[User talk:AC9016|talk]]) 15:57, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I see you posted to his talk, so let's see where that goes. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 15:58, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

== Strikethrough templates ==

Templates what is your opinion on {{t|Ds}}, {{t|Ts}}, and {{t|Qs}}? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:52, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

:It's not obvious to me why these exist. If you need to semantically mark up that something is deleted or struck, then we have those options, so why do we need to visually have a template that strikes something four times? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 07:48, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

== Availability ==

When do you think you could help with the js feature requests previously mentioned? Thanks. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:04, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

:Which one again? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:11, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
::Not specifically one, several small ones over IRC. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:16, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Oh, not anytime soon. Sorry. :/
:::I have work, school, and travel. I am happy to do continued maintenance on projects where I am an admin (e.g. here), but doing anything ambitious is on an indefinite hold. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:18, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Not that big, only small to medium additions. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:22, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

== AN Archives ==

Hello. I noticed that you sysop-protected [[Wikiquote:Administrators' noticeboard/Archive/037]] but this is blocking [[Special:Contribs/MABot|my bot]] from archiving the [[WQ:AN]] as requested. Would you prefer if I start archiving in [[Wikiquote:Administrators' noticeboard/Archive/038]] instead? If this is due to vandalism, an AbuseFilter could be created to avoid subpages of the AN to be editted by anyone but sysops and bots. Regards, --[[User:MarcoAurelio|MarcoAurelio]] ([[User talk:MarcoAurelio|talk]]) 11:10, 28 July 2022 (UTC)

:Maybe your bot can just be an admin? I'm not a bureaucrat, so I can't do it unilaterally, but you're a trusted user, so I don't see that as being a problem. I'll unprotect for now. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 16:30, 28 July 2022 (UTC)
::Thank you. I appreciate your words, but I do not think my bot should have +sysop as it is very dangerous. Bots can, however, edit pages protected up to the autoconfirmed level so if vandalism on that page is an issue you may reprotect it to the &quot;edit: autoconfirmed&quot; level and my bot won't have troubles with bypassing that restriction. Regards, --[[User:MarcoAurelio|MarcoAurelio]] ([[User talk:MarcoAurelio|talk]]) 10:45, 29 July 2022 (UTC)

== Hello ==

I would like to inform you that I have returned here after three weeks.

I mainly left due to the large-scale deletion of my templates and modules, most of which was unjustified. I would like to have these undeleted so the issues with templates can be properly addressed, rather than just deleting them. I would like to start by having these templates undeleted:
* [[Template:T]]
* [[Template:Blockedreason]]
* [[Template:Removed]] (and [[Template:Vote removed]])
Do you think you help with this? And, if so, could you add some-sort-of messaging saying that it is currently being worked-on and should ''not'' be immediately re-VfD'd? Thanks. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:44, 11 August 2022 (UTC)

:Welcome. I would recommend starting with the admins who deleted them and see if they think for some reason there was an error or something was deleted out of process. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:50, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
::I am not saying that is out of error, I just think that I can ''easily'' fix the issues that were given as the reason for deletion. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:52, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
:::Also, you would need to undelete the associated sub-pages. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:53, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
:::Sure, well I would still start with the deleting admin. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:55, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
::::{{done}} added a link to this discussion. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:58, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
::::Wait... the deleting admin only deleted it because of a VfD, so if I am able to address the problems raised in the VfD, couldn't it just be undelete without needless bureaucracy? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:17, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
* All I did was close the discussions. In nearly every one, the consensus to delete was unanimous. I would recommend you take some time to consider working on tasks that do not require the creation of large amounts of templates and subpages, give that this wasn't a one-off issue, but one where there were scores of pages that needed to be deleted. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 20:35, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
*:{{ping|GreenMeansGo}} My reason for creating these was not just randomly make bad templates, instead I was trying to implement a much larger idea for Wikiquote, but since it would be such a large change and would require large changes to backend things like php and js, I instead only implemented a very small amount of it. But, since I only implemented small amounts of what actually wanted to do '''without context''', I instead made something that doesn't have any propose or value. So, instead, I would like to make a local 'test wiki' where I can work on larger things like this that can later be implemented properly on the main wiki.
*:Do you think you could help by sending an xml file of the deleted pages? Thanks, – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:31, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
*::I nominated the templates for deletion (and there was unanimous consensus to delete them) because they were fundamentally crap templates. The fact the implementation was terrible was only a small part of the problem, the big issue is that the ''ideas'' behind them were awful. No amount of JavaScript or PHP would have turned those pages into useful templates.
*::You have tried to reinvent processes for no good reason (often in really stupid ways involving obnoxious amounts of pings), you have made pointless duplicate templates that recreate functionality that already exists, and have created templates that should not be used under any situation because they violate fundamental project policies and fly in the face of wiki culture.
*::Of those three templates the first one duplicates a template we already have, the second was another duplicate template but with some really really terrible modifications, and the third was a horrendously bad idea for a template that should never ''ever'' be used under any situation.
*::I would oppose restoring these as the community has made it clear they don't want them. Banning people from nominating them for deletion after a unanimous consensus to delete is also a grossly inappropriate suggestion. The only admin action that I could see being remotely appropriate here is blocking you from template and module space. You clearly do not have the [[W:WP:CIR|competence]] to edit there productively and have made a ridiculous amount of mess treating this project as your personal sandbox that is going to take months and months to clean up. I haven't edited in a week due to real life work, but there is still a vast amount of localisation, clean-up and deletion nominations to be done. Fundamentally as a newbie who has only been here for a couple of months you should not be attempting to &quot;implement a much larger idea for Wikiquote&quot; and completely remake the project according to how you think it should be - that isn't how consensus or wiki communities work. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 01:02, 12 August 2022 (UTC)
*:::Forgive me, but, is it not &quot;cleaned up&quot; already? All of templates and modules appear to of been deleted. Also, I was not requesting they all be restored. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:49, 12 August 2022 (UTC)
*:::Please don’t, I have stopped the template creation and will only return to it when I know what I'm doing. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:41, 12 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>q79h8opvwxdwwznp6mnu8sfbibezcgq</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153850</id>
      <parentid>3153819</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-12T08:56:54Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>192.76.8.85</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Hello */ Reply</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="79827" xml:space="preserve">{{User talk:Koavf/Template:Archive}}
&lt;!-- Please leave comments below this line. --&gt;

== Template:Username ==

Could you please make [[Template:Username]] show the User’s name? I need it for several Templates. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:19, 12 June 2022 (UTC)

:What do you have in mind? Does {{tl|Ping}} not work? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:53, 12 June 2022 (UTC)
::I mean the user viewing it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:56, 12 June 2022 (UTC)
:::{{ping|Kalki}} [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:12, 13 June 2022 (UTC)
:::{{ping|koavf}}
::::I have no idea what you need. What would the template do? How would you use it? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:42, 13 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::A template that displays the username or IP address of the user viewing it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:49, 13 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::Do you have an example on another wiki that does this? I recalled that there was a magic word for this, but I can't seem to find it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:45, 13 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::No, but this is still a very useful *potential* feature. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:45, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

== Request to add Editnotice ==

Could you add [[User:Ilovemydoodle/FakeBlockMessage|this]] Editnotice to my User and User Talk pages? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:38, 15 June 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} Are you sure you want that message? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:39, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::Yes. Thank you, you are the best admin. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:52, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::Also, it isn't showing up, could you fix this?

::Edit: I think you need to create the page [[Mediawiki:Editnotice-2-Ilovemydoodle|here]] (and [[Mediawiki:Editnotice-3-Ilovemydoodle|here]] for the Talk Page) for it to actually work. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:54, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::That doesn't seem to have done the trick. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:02, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Maybe try some test text instead? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:04, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::I can. Seems like your hack should work, per [[mw:Manual:Interface/Edit notice]], tho. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:05, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::Maybe file a phab report? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:07, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::I fixed it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:12, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Could you also protect the page so only I and Administrators can edit it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:50, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::No, there's no way to do that, other than by manually blocking that one page from every user who isn't an admin or you. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:53, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:
{| style=&quot;border: 1px solid gray; background-color: #fdffe7;&quot;
|rowspan=&quot;2&quot; style=&quot;vertical-align:middle;&quot; | [[File:SpecialBarnstar.png|100px]]
|rowspan=&quot;2&quot; |
|style=&quot;font-size: x-large; padding: 0; vertical-align: middle; height: 1.1em;&quot; | '''The Special Barnstar'''
|-
|style=&quot;vertical-align: middle; border-top: 1px solid gray;&quot; | For actually doing this, I think most other Administrators take themselves to far too seriously to do something like this.
|} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:29, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

:Thanks kindly. I'm here to serve. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:35, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

== Merge fork ==

Could you merge my fork of [[Joe Biden]] into the main page (revisions included)? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:59, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

:Probably, but you have to meet me half-way here and link to said fork. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:03, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::[[User:Ilovemydoodle/forks/Main/Joe Biden]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:05, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::&quot;No revisions can be merged.&quot; —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:09, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Why? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:16, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::¯\_(ツ)_/¯ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:17, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::Try now. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:19, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::&quot;No revisions can be merged.&quot; —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:35, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Maybe try importing them instead? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:37, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::How? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:37, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Okay I figured it, this might sound strange, but it should work, merge [[Joe Biden]] into my fork, delete the original [[Joe Biden]] page and then move my fork to [[Joe Biden]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:49, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::&quot;Source revisions overlap or come after destination revisions.&quot; You should just edit the main article. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:00, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::{{done}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:04, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::Also, do you have any work for me to do on Wikiquote? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha, Not an Administrator) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:05, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::Wow, great question. I think the best thing that can happen here is if someone helps to bring more [[m:Structured Wikiquote|structure and semantics to Wikiquote]]. On a structural level, that is beyond any one person fixing, but anyone can add templates, metadata, etc. E.g. if you cite a source, include a citation template or use proper list semantics, such as not putting line breaks between bullets in a list. That and adding accessibility features like [[:w:en:WP:ALT|alt text]] are important issues to me. Thanks for asking and for all you do around here. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:50, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::I have been doing some of these things for while now, I will continue to do so also doing the other things you mentioned, but I was mainly looking for one or two shorter tasks to do now. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:10, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::Hi {{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, in terms of work to do on Wikiquote:
*[[:Category:Wikiquote no intro]] need intros
*[[:Category:Video games]]' contents needs sorting into categories by year
*[[:Category:Wikiquote cleanup]] has hundreds of articles needing cleanup
*[[Flooding]] could potentially be an article rather than redirect, not 100 percent sure though, depends on quotability.
*There are many entire countries with no article yet. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 16:46, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::Also thank you again Koavf for the admin/maintenance work. I hope we get to see you back at enwiki eventually. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 19:21, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
:::Thanks, RC! —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:46, 16 June 2022 (UTC)
::No worries. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 19:51, 16 June 2022 (UTC)

== Feature ==

Help, I really needed a feature added that lets a Template tell which skin your using. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:58, 19 June 2022 (UTC)

:Wow, I have no idea how to do that. You want to be a thrid party that knows which skin someone is using? I'm not sure that is an option. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:09, 19 June 2022 (UTC)
::I really need it, apparently the background of my talk page break certain features, but only on one skin, and after fixing now it only works on that skin and doesn't work on others, so I really need this fixed, maybe something using css files? 

::Edit: I figured it out, just add some css to the css file for each skin:

::* [[Mediawiki:vector.css]]
::* [[Mediawiki:vector-2022.css]]
::* [[Mediawiki:minerva.css]]
::* [[Mediawiki:monobook.css]]
::* [[Mediawiki:timeless.css]]

::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:55, 19 June 2022 (UTC)
:::{{ping|koavf}} [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:23, 20 June 2022 (UTC)
::::I'm confused why you're pinging me. You just wrote, &quot;I figured it out&quot;, so I thought there was no action for me here. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:35, 20 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::No, I meant that I figured out how YOU can fix it. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:52, 20 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::What do you want me to insert in the CSS files? I'm reluctant to do this as it will modify the site for all users, but I'm not entirely opposed. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:03, 20 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::Just make it you have something that only appears when that skin is active.

:::::::Edit: You can do this by making something invisible in common.css and then setting it visible in the skin’s css file. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not WMF, Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus, Not a paid editor of Shueisha) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:05, 20 June 2022 (UTC)

== Feature request ==

Could you make a very useful JavaScript hack for me? Ping me when your ready and I'll give you more information. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 16:21, 23 June 2022 (UTC)

:I'm putting something on my calendar for next weekend--I'm busy this weekend. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:42, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
::Could you please do the other request above, though? (I really need it for something) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:44, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
:::All of them exist except one. I'll add a comment to it and then I suppose that resolves it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:53, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
::::No I mean in each file could you put:
::::&lt;code&gt;span.show-[skin name here] {display: initial;}&lt;/code&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;code&gt;span.hide-[skin name here] {display: none;}&lt;/code&gt;
::::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:00, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::No, I'm not sure what that will do. I'm trying to think of how that would appear in CSS and that seems like it would not display the user preferences. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 21:01, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::Well, you just add this code to common.css for each skin:
::::::&lt;code&gt;span.show-[skin name here] {display: none;}&lt;/code&gt;&lt;br&gt;&lt;code&gt;span.hide-[skin name here] {display: initial;}&lt;/code&gt;
::::::– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:03, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::I'm reluctant to do that becuase of the concerns above. Do you have an example wiki where someone did this? I don't want to tinker with site-wide CSS without a really good reason. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 21:04, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Well, I can't think of any other wiki, but this IS quite important. On my user page I implemented a feature that perfectly well for me, but another user informed me that it didn't work in one skin, so I made one for that skin, but it only worked in that skin, so I need some code to differentiate between skins. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:10, 23 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Could please give me more information about this? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:08, 25 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::If I edit site-wide CSS, that will impact all users with a given skin. So I want to be very conservative about doing that and I don't want to even experiment, lest I mess up someone's view of the site. If you have examples of other wikis doing this or can justify why you need it done with some clarity, then maybe I can help you. Better yet woudl be community consensus. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:15, 25 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::Basically, I want a feature where I can create a span with the class &quot;[Skin Name Here]-show&quot; and it will only show it for users viewing in that skin, there would also be a &quot;[Skin Name Here]-hide&quot; which would do the reverse. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:24, 25 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::And I need to have a greater justification than just your personal preference before I tinker with site-wide CSS. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:44, 25 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::A lot of Templates need different code for each skin to display properly. Also, I don't see any harm in adding this. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:46, 25 June 2022 (UTC)

== Response time ==

Is there anyway to have a discussion in real-time? I would like to have several long discussions about feature requests, but that's not really doable if it takes days between each comment. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:23, 26 June 2022 (UTC)

:I have really only used Gchat (or whatever it's called now) for IMing, but sure. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:31, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::What is Gchat? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:32, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::Google's IMing, associated with Gmail. Again, it's been called a million things. Hangouts now? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:33, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Any WMF way of live chat? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:33, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::I think Matrix: [[m:matrix]]. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:38, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::I keep hearing about &quot;libera chat&quot;, is it what I want? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:40, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::Correct. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:29, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::So, could you explain what it is and how to do what I am requesting with it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:31, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::I've never used it. I just know that it's the replacement for IRC (which I very rarely used). —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:47, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::What’s IRC again? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:52, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::{{w|Internet Relay Chat}}, which was more-or-less popular as a group chat option for decades and the best server for it, {{w|Freenode}} was bought by a jerk, so everyone jumped ship to Libera. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:06, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::How does libera work? Would it be good for what I want? And, do you have an account there? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:08, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::It's a good chat service, as I understand it and would meet your needs. I've never used it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:13, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::Can you create an account? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:48, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::Sure, if that's the method you want to use. I'm here to help. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 07:00, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::::What is the name of your account? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:05, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::@koavf:matrix.org —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:05, 27 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::::::{{ping|koavf}} I mean on libera. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:38, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::::Gotcha. I haven't made one yet. I can when I'm free-er. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 12:52, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::::::::When will that be? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:53, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::::::I have a calendar reminder for the following weekend (i.e. not in a few days but a week and a half). —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 12:58, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::::::::::::I am wondering if we can do it today instead? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:07, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::::::::::::::I cannot. I have a busy-ish day and a very busy day tomorrow. To the extent that I can screw around on the Internet, it has to be pretty limited. I'm happy to meet at a time that's mutually convenient, of course. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 13:10, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
{{Outdent|::::::::::}}Thank you! When your ready I have a lot to discuss. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:17, 28 June 2022 (UTC)
:Also, when your ready, could you leave a message saying so on my Talk Page? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:03, 4 July 2022 (UTC)
::Can do. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:11, 4 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Can you just send me a calendar invite if you need to chat? I'm afraid that it's hard for me to make the time. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:03, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::I am not sure how to do that, do you mean like mentally, or on Wikiquote? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:54, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::Sorry, I meant to my email address: justinkoavf[littleanarchysymbol][google's email service][period]com. If you can't do that or don't want to share your email address with me, then please let me know. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:14, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::I have had my email address removed a long time ago due to abuse, so I can't use my email. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:18, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::You can't email me directly? That's fine. When would you like to chat? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:35, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::When ever you’re ready to implement a lot of stuff. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:38, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Also, which Template de-indents a discussion? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:58, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::{{tl|outdent}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:04, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Do you have any set date that you would be willing to help implement (or at-least begin the implementation of) a lot of features? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:28, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Unfortunately, I'm busy with work and personal things in July, so I've had a hard time setting a time. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 00:34, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::Also, why did you obfuscate your email address? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:24, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::What is &quot;[littleanarchysymbol]&quot;? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:12, 7 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::Obfuscated for bots. [littleanarchysymbol] = &quot;@&quot;. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 00:34, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::I’m confused, what do you mean obfuscated for bots? Also, if it's obfuscated how I am meant to read it? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:49, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::So that a bot couldn't harvest it and spam me. You may be able to read it because you can decode things that a bot can't. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:48, 8 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Oh. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:03, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

== Bug fix ==

In [[Special:ListUsers]] &quot;Administrator&quot; is capitalized, on all other wikis (including Wikipedia) it is lower case. Could you please fix this? You could do this by either making it lower case, or by capitalizing all User Rights. (the second option is the one I prefer) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:28, 26 June 2022 (UTC)

:But all of them are upper case now, so at least that's consistent. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:31, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::Oh wait, I see. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:32, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:I think fixing it would require recreating [[MediaWiki:Administrators]] and making it lower-case, but I'm not sure of all the places where it would be changed. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:34, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::I don't see the problem with doing that. Also, if you prefer it capitalized, you could just capitalize all User Groups. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:36, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::Because it may be transcluded other places where it shouldn't be capitalized. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 04:37, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
::::Well, it's just fine on en.wp. Also, which option do you prefer? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet of Antandrus) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:39, 26 June 2022 (UTC)
:::::I have no strong feelings on this and while I am actually usually very in favor of consistency and proper usage, this one doesn't bother me much. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:29, 26 June 2022 (UTC)

== A question for you ==

If you ever get unblocked from enwiki, will you still regularly contribute here? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:46, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

:For sure. I plan on it. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:13, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

== Issue with your archive page ==

A lot of users used &lt;code&gt;&lt;nowiki&gt;{{PAGENAME}}&lt;/nowiki&gt;&lt;/code&gt; instead &lt;code&gt;koavf&lt;/code&gt; on your Talk Page, so when you archived the page it now says &quot;Hi koavf/archive001&quot; instead of just &quot;Hi koavf.&quot; Could you fix this? (I can't since you protected the page) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:05, 7 July 2022 (UTC)

:Sure, thanks. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 00:34, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

== Rollback vote ==

Could you vote [[Wikiquote:Requests for Rollback/Ilovemydoodle|here]]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:51, 8 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

== Protection request ==

Could you protect [[User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive 1|this page]] so only admins can edit? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 09:34, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive 1|This page]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:15, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::Still isn’t done. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:40, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Wait why is the page gone? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:48, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::::It's back. The easiest way to delete dozens of revisions is to delete the entire page and then un-delete the revisions that you want. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:50, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::Ohhhhhhhh. I was really confused why you were deleting the whole page. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:55, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::Koavf, could you do a full cleansing of the page? What I mean is removing all vandal revisions to the very beginning (even those already revdeled), and then also removing the reverts of those revisions as well. Could you do this? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:15, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::That should be most of them. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:20, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Could you also remove the undos of vandalism? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:23, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Nothing even displays: https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive_1&amp;diff=next&amp;oldid=3139360 Is this really necessary? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:25, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::I would like to do it, to reduce clutter and potential for confusion, so, yes. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:32, 9 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::Thank you, Koavf! – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:51, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

== Protected edit request ==

Could you change [[Template:Test4]] to redirect to [[Template:Uw-vandalism4]] to match Wikipedia? Also, to make the progression to 4im make more sense. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:34, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 22:37, 9 July 2022 (UTC)

== Abuse Filter ==

: ''{{ping|Antandrus}} Could you also give your comment on this?''

Could you add the following terms to the Abuse Filter:

* VKKSTUPID (any capitalization)
* VKKSTUPIDITY (any capitalization)
* AANT (any capitalization)
* AANTANDRUS (any capitalization)
* encyclopediadramatica.online (any capitalization)
* g'p (any capitalization)
* g’p (any capitalization)
* encyclopediadr'matica (any capitalization)
* Antandrus david (any capitalization)
* Ilovemycock (any capitalization)
* Ilovemycok (any capitalization)
* Ethandeath (any capitalization)
* Antdeath (any capitalization)
* ANTANDRUS FUCK BUDDY (any capitalization)
* ANTANDRUS FUKBUDDY (any capitalization)
* FUKBUDDY (any capitalization)
* WP:BOYS (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* Chicago Boys (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* Wikidiot (any capitalization)
* Wikiidiot (any capitalization)
* WMFloser (any capitalization)
* Wikiloser (any capitalization)
* Wikipedo (any capitalization)
* Wikipedoa (any capitalization)
* PAVLOL (any capitalization)
* pause for breath (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* HAHAHA (specified capitalization only)
* ANT COCK (any capitalization)
* GLOBLALY (any capitalization)
* da clock (any capitalization)
* archive.is (any capitalization)
* archive.ph (any capitalization)
* ATTAX (any capitalization)
* REMOVETD (any capitalization)
* JAN PAWEŁ (any capitalization)
* WMF squm (any capitalization)
* 'n' (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* WMFhomopedo (any capitalization)
* as proven! (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* ilovemydoodle = (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* G-R-P (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* GLOBAL BAN EVADER (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* ANT-ANDRUS (any capitalization)
* AANT-ANDRUS (any capitalization)
* ILOVEMYDOODLE LOVES (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* a r c h i v e (any capitalization)
* WMFVOMIT (any capitalization)
* WMFCANCER (any capitalization)
* the fodder (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* THANX (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* THX (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* all is saved (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* forever blocked (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* blocked loser (any capitalization)
* fuckbuddy ant (any capitalization)
* fuckbuddy antandrus (any capitalization)
* antandr's (any capitalization)
* HAHAHAHAHA (specified capitalization only)
* PAUSE FOR BREATH (specified capitalization only)
* O YEA (specified capitalization only)
* o yea (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* yea YEA (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* U CANT SLEEP (any capitalization)
* ANT-STN (any capitalization)
* ency'lopediadram'tica (any capitalization)
* GLOBA LOSER (any capitalization)
* GLOBAL LOSER (any capitalization)
* IN YOUR FACES (specified capitalization only)
* in your faces (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* vvkrejects (any capitalization)
* VVK (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* IN YO FACES (any capitalization)
* vvkhypocrite (any capitalization)
* FOFFER (any capitalization)
* real life stalker (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* REAL LIFE STALKER (specified capitalization only)
* DEFYING LOGIC (specified capitalization only)
* FOR WMF (specified capitalization only)
* globally blocked lta (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* GLOBALLY BLOCKED LTA (specified capitalization only)
* WMF RESPECT (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* wikitruth (any capitalization)
* wmf stands for (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* wmf stand for (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* WMF STANDS FOR (specified capitalization only)
* WMF STAND FOR (specified capitalization only)
* I LOVE MY COCK (any capitalization)
* wmf total (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* WMF TOTAL (specified capitalization only)
* fight u (any capitalization)
* ET AL (specified capitalization only)
* zero brains (any capitalization, autoconfirmed+ only)
* BL*TANT (any capitalization)
* utm*st (any capitalization)
* UTMOST (specified capitalization only)
* Suckpuppet (any capitalization)
* wikihomopedoia (any capitalization)
* ED loser (any capitalization)
* HAHAHAHAHAHA (specified capitalization only)
* AKA (specified capitalization only, autoconfirmed+ only)
* VVKLOSER (any capitalization)
– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:46, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

:I've edited the abuse filter before, but I'm not a whiz at it. Note that blocking edits outright based on some of these filters would certainly disrupt standard editing. I feel like this is probably not the best way to stop vandalism and would want to get more consensus from the community. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:52, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
::How about you block the ones that are obviously vandalism entirely. And the potentially good-faith ones could be allowed only for autoconfirmed. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:17, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I'd still want a broader consensus. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 02:22, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Also, could you protect [[Wikiquote:Village pump archive 60|this page]]? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:24, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
:Imagine what GRP would do if when he next logs in Wikiquote using one of his 50 trillion VPNs, and all of his favorite buzzwords get blocked by the Abuse Filter. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:56, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
::Again, please post to the Village Pump to get consensus. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:15, 10 July 2022 (UTC)
:::{{done}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:44, 10 July 2022 (UTC)

== Quick fix needed ==

Could you please create [[MediaWiki:Dot-separator|this page]]? It's needed for a lot of templates on Wikipedia, so when I import them, they don't work. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:04, 11 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:16, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::Question: how do you import revisions? I regularly import templates from Wikipedia, so it would be nice to be able to import the revisions too. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:39, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::[[Special:Import]], if you are an admin. You are not importing, you're just copying and pasting, which is fine as long as you give attribution in the edit summary or the talk page. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:43, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Is there anyway to import '''without''' being an admin? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:45, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::No, just ask an admin to do it. Again, it's fine to completely reproduce any of the content from any WMF project anywhere, it just requires attribution. The problem with copy/paste &quot;importing&quot; is that it may not import all dependencies. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:49, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::Well, I know how to import dependencies, I would just like the ability to import revisions too, as I import hundreds of templates regularly. Also, when copying I often forget to attribute. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:54, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::If you forget, in practice, it's not the biggest deal in the world, but you really should post a note on the talk page saying where it came from and how someone could find attribution at the original source. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:55, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::Well, according to [[w:WP:IMPORTS|this]], there is a group for &lt;code&gt;import&lt;/code&gt;, just like &lt;code&gt;rollback&lt;/code&gt;. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:59, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::Heads up that it's [[:w:en:Help:Import]] or [[:w:en:WP:IMPORT]]. In theory, we can activate importer and transwiki importers here, but we [[Special:ListUsers/import|don't have any]] and I personally can't do it, as it requires a bureaucrat. Generally, import rights outside of being an admin is rare and reserved for weird circumstances (e.g. a user on en.wp who has access to very old server logs and imports edits from 2001 occasionally). —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:04, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::Can I make a request? And, if so, where? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:19, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::::::You can request import at the admin's noticeboard. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 20:25, 11 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::::::::{{done}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:40, 11 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

Could please revdel these two revisions? (they are both by the same vandal)
* [[Special:Diff/3140786|1]]
* [[Special:Diff/3140787|2]]
– [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:08, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 03:10, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::Second one too? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 03:12, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I think you forgot the second one. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:10, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Check again. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:06, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Kim_Il-sung&amp;oldid=3140787 Still there] – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:20, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::Gotcha. I deleted the edit summary. Thanks: hate speech has no place here except in the context of historically meaningful and educational quotations.o —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:33, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::Could you also give feedback to my question on the village pump? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 06:36, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

== Protection request ==

Could you protect [[User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Archives/Archive 1|this page]] so only admins can edit? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:11, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} I already did that. Now I've done it twice. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 06:07, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

== Question about the abuse filter ==

Can importing revisions ever trigger the abuse filter? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:19, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

:Probably? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 14:35, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::Which user right (not group) allows you to bypass the abuse filter? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:01, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I don't know anything more than this: [[:mw:Extension:AbuseFilter#User_rights]]. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 15:55, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Who would know more about this? Should I ping Aklapper? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:13, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::Possibly. I think a lot of folks on en.wp would know. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:31, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
::::::I already asked a few hours ago on the help desk, still no response. I also asked on meta, also no response. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 23:33, 12 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::::I got two answers, here: [[m:Special:Diff/23515465|meta]], [[w:Special:Diff/1097930390|wikipedia]]. So the answer (thankfully) appears to be no. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:52, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

== Importer proposal ==

Could you give me feedback on my importer proposal? (not for/against, just about improving the proposal) – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:54, 12 July 2022 (UTC)

== &lt;s&gt;Emergency&lt;/s&gt; ==

&lt;s&gt;QOTD missing!&lt;/s&gt; {{done}} by Kalki. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:01, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

== Question about my import proposal ==

Some of the permissions I know for sure are needed, for others I am pretty sure, and a few are just guesses. So, do you know who specifically I could ask about this? This would make sure that ones that are not needed can be removed, and that needed ones that are not listed can be added. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 02:47, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

:I don't have a recommendation on this, no. It's your proposal: you can make it however you want. You just need to be clear and explain your reasoning. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 11:16, 13 July 2022 (UTC)

== &lt;s&gt;QOTD&lt;/s&gt;==

&lt;s&gt;QOTD is missing!&lt;/s&gt; {{done}} by Kalki. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:22, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Question about my requests to you that could be asked more generally on VP or AN ==

Are you okay with this, or does it bother you? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 05:32, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

:If the worst thing that happens to me here is that someone is too enthusiastic, that's a good problem to have. I like your edits and interest in helping out. I just want to make sure that any kind of radical changes get larger community support. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 05:37, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:Contributions/Mr. Dick Pump|These two edits]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:28, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 14:56, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:contribs/2001:E68:6125:E800:9458:3779:9236:6072|Three edit summaries]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 12:16, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 14:57, 14 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:contribs/2603:6010:c600:a8:40c4:fa43:6b2d:63ac|Three revisions]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 20:00, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

:&lt;small&gt;([[:w:WP:TPS|talk page stalker]])&lt;/small&gt; {{u|Ilovemydoodle}}, {{done}} but only one revision. The others aren't eligible for revdel. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 20:12, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

== Potential issue with import proposal ==

If the page has already been imported manually and changed since, but the page on the wiki you are importing from has also been changed, then the merge will fail. So is there any kind of right that I could that would let you remove a revision? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:04, 15 July 2022 (UTC)

:Just being an admin. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:02, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
::Does the database keep track of if an edit is imported? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:09, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I'm not certain. From what I've seen, it's seamless. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:49, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
::::I mean in the backend. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:59, 16 July 2022 (UTC)
:::::I'm not sure. I would think so. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 21:13, 16 July 2022 (UTC)

== Online ==

Are you online right now? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 00:32, 16 July 2022 (UTC)

:I'll have a little availability, but I'm getting sleepy actually--I've been sick lately. :/ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 01:02, 16 July 2022 (UTC)

== Online ==

Are you still online? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 07:02, 16 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:Diff/3143353|This]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:53, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:51, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

== Bureaucrat ==

I wanted to nominate you for bureaucrat, but I could not think of enough reasons for a full nomination. Could you nominate yourself? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:22, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{not done}} I'm pretty busy now, so picking up extra responsibility seems like a bad idea. :/ —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:51, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
::Later? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:52, 17 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Maybe! —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 18:59, 17 July 2022 (UTC)

== Revdel request ==

[[Special:Diff/3121426|This]]. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 11:32, 19 July 2022 (UTC)
:{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 23:38, 19 July 2022 (UTC)

== Hounding ==

I have noticed that a particular new editor here seems to be here only in discussion pages, which is fine in my opinion, but they appear to particularly targeting me (voting against various proposals, listing pages for deletion, etc.), and haven't been doing any mainspsce editing or editing in other discussions, does this count as hounding? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 13:37, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{ping|AC9016}} Do you agree? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:38, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:It could be. I haven't seen this behavior yet. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 15:42, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
::[[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|Here]] – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 15:44, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I have not observed this behavior either. My time on Wikiquote is overwhelmingly spent on creating and editing pages. --[[User:AC9016|AC9016]] ([[User talk:AC9016|talk]]) 15:57, 20 July 2022 (UTC)
:::I see you posted to his talk, so let's see where that goes. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 15:58, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

== Strikethrough templates ==

Templates what is your opinion on {{t|Ds}}, {{t|Ts}}, and {{t|Qs}}? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:52, 20 July 2022 (UTC)

:It's not obvious to me why these exist. If you need to semantically mark up that something is deleted or struck, then we have those options, so why do we need to visually have a template that strikes something four times? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 07:48, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

== Availability ==

When do you think you could help with the js feature requests previously mentioned? Thanks. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:04, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

:Which one again? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:11, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
::Not specifically one, several small ones over IRC. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:16, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
:::Oh, not anytime soon. Sorry. :/
:::I have work, school, and travel. I am happy to do continued maintenance on projects where I am an admin (e.g. here), but doing anything ambitious is on an indefinite hold. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 19:18, 21 July 2022 (UTC)
::::Not that big, only small to medium additions. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:22, 21 July 2022 (UTC)

== AN Archives ==

Hello. I noticed that you sysop-protected [[Wikiquote:Administrators' noticeboard/Archive/037]] but this is blocking [[Special:Contribs/MABot|my bot]] from archiving the [[WQ:AN]] as requested. Would you prefer if I start archiving in [[Wikiquote:Administrators' noticeboard/Archive/038]] instead? If this is due to vandalism, an AbuseFilter could be created to avoid subpages of the AN to be editted by anyone but sysops and bots. Regards, --[[User:MarcoAurelio|MarcoAurelio]] ([[User talk:MarcoAurelio|talk]]) 11:10, 28 July 2022 (UTC)

:Maybe your bot can just be an admin? I'm not a bureaucrat, so I can't do it unilaterally, but you're a trusted user, so I don't see that as being a problem. I'll unprotect for now. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 16:30, 28 July 2022 (UTC)
::Thank you. I appreciate your words, but I do not think my bot should have +sysop as it is very dangerous. Bots can, however, edit pages protected up to the autoconfirmed level so if vandalism on that page is an issue you may reprotect it to the &quot;edit: autoconfirmed&quot; level and my bot won't have troubles with bypassing that restriction. Regards, --[[User:MarcoAurelio|MarcoAurelio]] ([[User talk:MarcoAurelio|talk]]) 10:45, 29 July 2022 (UTC)

== Hello ==

I would like to inform you that I have returned here after three weeks.

I mainly left due to the large-scale deletion of my templates and modules, most of which was unjustified. I would like to have these undeleted so the issues with templates can be properly addressed, rather than just deleting them. I would like to start by having these templates undeleted:
* [[Template:T]]
* [[Template:Blockedreason]]
* [[Template:Removed]] (and [[Template:Vote removed]])
Do you think you help with this? And, if so, could you add some-sort-of messaging saying that it is currently being worked-on and should ''not'' be immediately re-VfD'd? Thanks. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:44, 11 August 2022 (UTC)

:Welcome. I would recommend starting with the admins who deleted them and see if they think for some reason there was an error or something was deleted out of process. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:50, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
::I am not saying that is out of error, I just think that I can ''easily'' fix the issues that were given as the reason for deletion. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:52, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
:::Also, you would need to undelete the associated sub-pages. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:53, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
:::Sure, well I would still start with the deleting admin. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (&lt;span style=&quot;color:grey&quot;&gt;ko'''a'''vf&lt;/span&gt;)]]&lt;span style=&quot;color:red&quot;&gt;❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯&lt;/span&gt; 17:55, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
::::{{done}} added a link to this discussion. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:58, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
::::Wait... the deleting admin only deleted it because of a VfD, so if I am able to address the problems raised in the VfD, couldn't it just be undelete without needless bureaucracy? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:17, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
* All I did was close the discussions. In nearly every one, the consensus to delete was unanimous. I would recommend you take some time to consider working on tasks that do not require the creation of large amounts of templates and subpages, give that this wasn't a one-off issue, but one where there were scores of pages that needed to be deleted. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 20:35, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
*:{{ping|GreenMeansGo}} My reason for creating these was not just randomly make bad templates, instead I was trying to implement a much larger idea for Wikiquote, but since it would be such a large change and would require large changes to backend things like php and js, I instead only implemented a very small amount of it. But, since I only implemented small amounts of what actually wanted to do '''without context''', I instead made something that doesn't have any propose or value. So, instead, I would like to make a local 'test wiki' where I can work on larger things like this that can later be implemented properly on the main wiki.
*:Do you think you could help by sending an xml file of the deleted pages? Thanks, – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:31, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
*::I nominated the templates for deletion (and there was unanimous consensus to delete them) because they were fundamentally crap templates. The fact the implementation was terrible was only a small part of the problem, the big issue is that the ''ideas'' behind them were awful. No amount of JavaScript or PHP would have turned those pages into useful templates.
*::You have tried to reinvent processes for no good reason (often in really stupid ways involving obnoxious amounts of pings), you have made pointless duplicate templates that recreate functionality that already exists, and have created templates that should not be used under any situation because they violate fundamental project policies and fly in the face of wiki culture.
*::Of those three templates the first one duplicates a template we already have, the second was another duplicate template but with some really really terrible modifications, and the third was a horrendously bad idea for a template that should never ''ever'' be used under any situation.
*::I would oppose restoring these as the community has made it clear they don't want them. Banning people from nominating them for deletion after a unanimous consensus to delete is also a grossly inappropriate suggestion. The only admin action that I could see being remotely appropriate here is blocking you from template and module space. You clearly do not have the [[W:WP:CIR|competence]] to edit there productively and have made a ridiculous amount of mess treating this project as your personal sandbox that is going to take months and months to clean up. I haven't edited in a week due to real life work, but there is still a vast amount of localisation, clean-up and deletion nominations to be done. Fundamentally as a newbie who has only been here for a couple of months you should not be attempting to &quot;implement a much larger idea for Wikiquote&quot; and completely remake the project according to how you think it should be - that isn't how consensus or wiki communities work. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 01:02, 12 August 2022 (UTC)
*:::Forgive me, but, is it not &quot;cleaned up&quot; already? All of templates and modules appear to of been deleted. Also, I was not requesting they all be restored. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 01:49, 12 August 2022 (UTC)
*::::No, it's nowhere near finished. [[Special:WantedCategories]] is still full of clean-up categories that need renaming, merging, and actually creating. There are still a ton of modules and templates that you've copied from other projects without bothering to set them up properly, e.g. [[Module:Pagetype/config]], which still has a load of wikipedia only configurations in it. There are a bunch of unused templates that don't actually make a lot of sense on this project, [[Template:Disputed inline]] doesn't make a great deal of sense when applied to quotations. There are a bunch of templates that I cannot forsee anyone ever using, e.g. [[Template:Background color]] which is used to applying formatting that should never actually be used in pages, &lt;span style=&quot;background-color: orange&quot;&gt;Like this&lt;/span&gt;. And that's before we even get into looking at all the templates that you overwrote with wikipedia specific ones or messed around with for no good reason. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 08:56, 12 August 2022 (UTC)
*:::Please don’t, I have stopped the template creation and will only return to it when I know what I'm doing. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 04:41, 12 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>d6wguelfyxs7cohrjtgkracud2w14qu</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
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        <username>Ilovemydoodle</username>
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      <comment>/* No thank you. */ Reply</comment>
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      <text bytes="40839" xml:space="preserve">{{Talkheader}}
{{User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Template:Archive}}

= Settings =

{{/cs}}

= Questions =

== Tagging socks ==

[[User_talk:Aphaia#IP_address_ban_and_Mass_deletion_of_articles|This is your sign to stop tagging socks]], it is now disrupting wiki-editing events. If you continue to tag socks disruptively, violating [[:w:WP:DENY]] and tagging innocent users, I will consider blocking you from the User: namespace here on Wikiquote. Thanks. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 16:53, 3 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{ping|Ferien}} I promise to not only stop tagging socks, but that will I will also stop editing in other's user namespace. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:34, 3 July 2022 (UTC)
::Sounds good to me, thanks. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 20:38, 3 July 2022 (UTC)
:::{{ping|Ferien}} I will also take a short break from editing. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:02, 3 July 2022 (UTC)
::::{{ping|Ferien}} I think I have developed a negative editing pattern, which is why I am taking a break. The negative editing pattern is this:
::::: Originally there was a lot of stuff for me to do on Wikiquote that didn't require other editors, so I started spending a lot of time here, but eventually most of the stuff I wanted to do here started to require waiting for other editors, but I continued to be on Wikiquote just as much, so what would happen is that I would make &quot;filler edits&quot; (edits that don't really contribute anything to anyone, myself included), and when anything interesting would happen, I would way over-do my editing.
::::So will be on Wikiquote less often, so when I am online I can make actually helpful contributions. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:31, 3 July 2022 (UTC)

== Umm... ==

You know, saying you're NOT a sockpuppet is like saying you are. [[Special:Contributions/65.184.185.156|65.184.185.156]] 02:34, 4 July 2022 (UTC)

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== No thank you. ==

We are not in the business of pre-emptively registering hypothetical obscene variations on our usernames &quot;just in case.&quot; [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:04, 22 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{ping|GreenMeansGo}} Extremely common insult from GRP, who is known to create fake accounts like that. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:07, 11 August 2022 (UTC)

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==Template:Bansock==
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==Template:Welcome-Formatting==
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==Template:Banplz==
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==Template:First article==
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==Template:Sandbox link==
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==Template:Userspace linking templates==
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==Template:SpellCheck==
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==Template:Db-g12==
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==Template:Db-copyvio-notice==
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{{VFDNote|Category:Suspected Wikipedia sockpuppets of GR&lt;noinclude/&gt;P}} [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 13:39, 24 July 2022 (UTC)

==Template:Blockedreason==
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==Template:Uw-afd5==
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==Template:Ensure AAA contrast ratio==
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==Template:Templatesnotice==
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==Template:Closed==
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==Template:Msubst==
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==WQT Pseudo-namespace==
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==Module:RedactURL==
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==Module:Cutdoublenewline==
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==Module:Normalize==
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==Module:Hash==
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==Module:Subst==
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==Template:Longquote-line==
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==Template:Uw-speedydeletion==
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==Template:Hang on/notice2==
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==Category:Suspected sockpuppets==
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==Template:Sockpuppet/categorise==
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==Template:Ping all administrators==
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==Template:Election results==
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==Note==
After spending a non-insignificant amount of time trying to clean up the large amount of your templates that have been nominated for deletion (and which have almost entirely seen community consensus to delete). You need to slow your roll. Uf you want to test functionality, you need to use one of the test wikis, not a live project.

At the very least, if I see you importing another template wholesale from Wikipedia (like Db-g12) that is not applicable to this project and/or not adapted to this project, I'm going to block you without further warning. This isn't a sandbox, and you're creating a lot of work for others because you want to experiment and can't seem to clean up after yourself. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 21:08, 1 August 2022 (UTC)
==Template:Film-cleanup/doc==
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==Template:Pp-template==
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==Template:Cut==
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==Module:Shortcut/w==
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==Template:SectionID==
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==Ambox duplicates==
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==Module:GetSectionName==
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==Module:GetSection==
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==Template:Edit section==
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==Module:Message box/old==
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      <sha1>2gr4kflafl5eq5yvggww0y8a85iass0</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153668</id>
      <parentid>3153621</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T20:40:49Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>GreenMeansGo</username>
        <id>2108323</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* No thank you. */ re</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="41238" xml:space="preserve">{{Talkheader}}
{{User talk:Ilovemydoodle/Template:Archive}}

= Settings =

{{/cs}}

= Questions =

== Tagging socks ==

[[User_talk:Aphaia#IP_address_ban_and_Mass_deletion_of_articles|This is your sign to stop tagging socks]], it is now disrupting wiki-editing events. If you continue to tag socks disruptively, violating [[:w:WP:DENY]] and tagging innocent users, I will consider blocking you from the User: namespace here on Wikiquote. Thanks. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 16:53, 3 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{ping|Ferien}} I promise to not only stop tagging socks, but that will I will also stop editing in other's user namespace. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:34, 3 July 2022 (UTC)
::Sounds good to me, thanks. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] &lt;small&gt;([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])&lt;/small&gt; 20:38, 3 July 2022 (UTC)
:::{{ping|Ferien}} I will also take a short break from editing. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 21:02, 3 July 2022 (UTC)
::::{{ping|Ferien}} I think I have developed a negative editing pattern, which is why I am taking a break. The negative editing pattern is this:
::::: Originally there was a lot of stuff for me to do on Wikiquote that didn't require other editors, so I started spending a lot of time here, but eventually most of the stuff I wanted to do here started to require waiting for other editors, but I continued to be on Wikiquote just as much, so what would happen is that I would make &quot;filler edits&quot; (edits that don't really contribute anything to anyone, myself included), and when anything interesting would happen, I would way over-do my editing.
::::So will be on Wikiquote less often, so when I am online I can make actually helpful contributions. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 22:31, 3 July 2022 (UTC)

== Umm... ==

You know, saying you're NOT a sockpuppet is like saying you are. [[Special:Contributions/65.184.185.156|65.184.185.156]] 02:34, 4 July 2022 (UTC)

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== No thank you. ==

We are not in the business of pre-emptively registering hypothetical obscene variations on our usernames &quot;just in case.&quot; [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 16:04, 22 July 2022 (UTC)

:{{ping|GreenMeansGo}} Extremely common insult from GRP, who is known to create fake accounts like that. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:07, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
::I still don't even know who GRP even is. Regardless, as has been said numerous times, please ignore and carry on. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 20:40, 11 August 2022 (UTC)

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{{VFDNote|Category:Suspected Wikipedia sockpuppets of GR&lt;noinclude/&gt;P}} [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 13:39, 24 July 2022 (UTC)

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==Note==
After spending a non-insignificant amount of time trying to clean up the large amount of your templates that have been nominated for deletion (and which have almost entirely seen community consensus to delete). You need to slow your roll. Uf you want to test functionality, you need to use one of the test wikis, not a live project.

At the very least, if I see you importing another template wholesale from Wikipedia (like Db-g12) that is not applicable to this project and/or not adapted to this project, I'm going to block you without further warning. This isn't a sandbox, and you're creating a lot of work for others because you want to experiment and can't seem to clean up after yourself. [[User:GreenMeansGo|&lt;span style=&quot;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#07CB4B&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#449351&quot;&gt;M&lt;/span&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;color:#35683d&quot;&gt;G&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|&lt;sup style=&quot;color:#000;font-family:Impact&quot;&gt;talk&lt;/sup&gt;]] 21:08, 1 August 2022 (UTC)
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    <title>Thor: Love and Thunder</title>
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'''''{{w|Thor: Love and Thunder}}'''''  is a [[w:2022 in film|2022]] American superhero film featuring the [[w:Marvel Comics|Marvel Comics]] [[w:Thor (Marvel Comics)|comic book character of the same name]]. It is the sequel to 2017's ''[[Thor: Ragnarok]]'' and the 29th film in the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU). In the film, Thor attempts to find inner peace, but must return to action and recruit Valkyrie, Korg, and Jane Foster — who is now the Mighty Thor — to stop Gorr the God Butcher from eliminating all gods.
:''Directed by {{w|Taika Waititi}}. Written by Waititi and [[w:Jennifer Kaytin Robinson|Jennifer Kaytin Robinson]].''
&lt;center&gt;'''The one and only.'''[[#Taglines|taglines]]&lt;/center&gt;
{{film-stub}}

== [[w:Thor (Marvel Cinematic Universe)|Thor]] ==
* These hands were once used for battle. Now they're but humble tools for peace. I need to figure out exactly who I am. I want to choose my own path, live in the moment. My superhero-ing days are over.
* 8 years, 7 months, and 6 days, give or take.
* Ah, you never forget your first.

== [[w:Gorr the God Butcher|Gorr the God Butcher]] ==
* Suffering for your gods is your only purpose.
* The only ones who gods care about is themselves.
* So this is my vow. All gods will die.

== [[w:Jane Foster|Jane Foster / Mighty Thor]] ==
* What's it been, like three, four years?
* It was just my first bad guy.
* I'll fight it my way.
* Keep your heart open.

== [[w:Valkyrie (Marvel Comics)|Valkyrie]] ==
* Mate, relax. We're on the same team. Team Jane.
* Am I, uh, sensing feelings?

== [[w:Korg (comics)|Korg]] ==
* Kids, get your popcorn out. Let me tell you the story of the space viking, Thor Odinson.
* He was no ordinary man. He was a god. After saving planet Earth for the 500th time, Thor set off on a new journey. He got in shape. He went from Dad Bod to God Bod. And after all that, he reclaimed his title as the one and only Thor.
* Ooh, spoke too soon!
* Skate mates for life.
* Just because he was done living doesn’t mean he was done fighting! 

== [[w:Zeus (Marvel Comics)|Zeus]] ==
* Let's see who you are. I take off your disguise. And flick!
* It used to be that being a god, it meant something. People would whisper your name, before sharing their deepest hopes and dreams. They begged you for mercy, without ever knowing if you were actually listening. Now, when they look to the sky, they don't ask us for lightning, they don't ask us for rain, they just want to see one of their so-called superheroes. When did we become the joke? No. No more. They will fear us again, when Thor Odinson falls from the sky. Do you understand me, Hercules? Do you understand me, my son?

== Dialogue ==
:'''Peter Quill''': Remember what I told you. If you ever feel lost, just look into the eyes of the people that you love.
:''[Thor looks into Star-Lord's eyes]''
:'''Peter Quill''': Not me!
:'''Thor''': What? Just listening.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Thor''': Technically, you have to actually die in the battle itself, to get to Valhalla.
:'''Sif''': Oh, shit!
:'''Thor''': Don't worry, your arm is probably in Valhalla.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:'''Gorr the God Butcher''': You are not like the other gods I've killed.
:'''Thor''': 'Cause I have something worth fighting for.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Thor is in a cloak]''
:'''Zeus''': Let us see who you are. I take off your disguise... and flick!
:''[strips Thor naked, crowd gasps. the Olympian ladies faint at the sight of Thor.]''
:'''Korg''': Ohh!
:'''Thor''': You flicked too hard, damn it!
:'''Jane Foster''': Should we help him?
:'''Valkyrie''': I mean, eventually. Grape?
:'''Korg''': Oh, looks like a shy courgette.

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;
:''[Zeus shoots his thunderbolt at Korg and blasts him to fragments]''
:'''Thor''': Korg!
:'''Korg''': [gasps] Thor! I’m perishing!
:''[Korg falls to pieces. Thor glares at Zeus.]''
:'''Thor''': '''ZEUS!'''
:''' Zeus''': You're next, Odinson!
:''[Zeus shoots his thunderbolt at Thor, but Thor catches it and hurls it back at Zeus]''
:'''Thor''': ''That'' is the sound of lightning!

== Taglines ==
* The one and only.

* The one is not the only.

* Not every god has a plan.

== Cast ==
* [[Chris Hemsworth]] - [[w:Thor (Marvel Comics)|Thor]]
* [[Christian Bale]] - [[w:Gorr the God Butcher|Gorr the God Butcher]]
* [[w:Tessa Thompson|Tessa Thompson]] - [[w:Valkyrie (Marvel Comics)|Valkyrie]]
* [[w:Jaimie Alexander|Jaimie Alexander]] - [[w:Sif (comics)|Sif]]
* [[w:Taika Waititi|Taika Waititi]] - [[w:Korg (comics)|Korg]]
* [[Russell Crowe]] - [[w:Zeus (Marcel Comics)|Zeus]]
* [[Natalie Portman]] - [[w:Jane Foster|Jane Foster / Mighty Thor]]
* [[w:Chris Pratt|Chris Pratt]] - [[w:Star-Lord|Peter Quill / Star-Lord]]
* [[w:Pom Klementieff|Pom Klementieff]] - [[w:Mantis (Marvel Comics)|Mantis]]
* [[Dave Bautista]] - [[w:Drax the Destroyer|Drax]]
* [[Karen Gillan]] - [[w:Nebula (comics)|Nebula]]
* [[w:Vin Diesel|Vin Diesel]] - [[w:Groot|Groot]] &lt;small&gt;(voice)&lt;/small&gt;
* [[w:Bradley Cooper|Bradley Cooper]] - [[w:Rocket Raccoon|Rocket]] &lt;small&gt;(voice)&lt;/small&gt;

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}} 
* {{IMDb title|id=10648342|title=Thor: Love and Thunder}}

[[Category:2022 films]]
[[Category:Fantasy films]]
[[Category:Superhero films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Extraterrestrial life films]]
[[Category:Science fantasy films]]
[[Category:Films with gods]]
[[Category:Thor films]]
[[Category:Adventure films]]
[[Category:LGBT-related films]]
[[Category:Comic book films]]
[[Category:Sequel films]]
[[Category:Marvel Cinematic Universe]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Francia Márquez</title>
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      <text bytes="9126" xml:space="preserve">[[File:Gabriel Boric met with Colombian VP-elect Francia Márquez at La Moneda (4) (cropped).jpg|thumb|Francia Márquez in 2022]]

'''[[w:Francia Márquez|Francia Elena Márquez Mina]]''' (born 1 December 1981) is a Colombian human-rights and environmental activist and lawyer, and the vice president-elect of Colombia. She was born in Yolombó, a village in the Cauca Department.

== Quotes ==  
=== Interview with Earth Justice (2019) ===
&lt;small&gt;[https://earthjustice.org/blog/2019-august/francia-m-rquez-renowned-afro-colombian-activist-what-environmental-racism-means-to-me 2019 interview] with Earth Justice&lt;/small&gt;

* Colombia is a country that has traditionally been run by wealthy families. When Black and Indigenous communities demand that large-scale mining be removed from our communities and we ask for protection under the rule of law, the ruling families say that we’re posing a hurdle to economic development. That’s when I ask, what kind of development are they referring to, especially when Indigenous and Black communities lack basic utilities? The community I live in has no drinking water, and our river has been polluted with chemicals used for illegal mining. Furthermore, the Colombian state does not invest in social projects. Their idea of economic development is to extract ore and territories from ethnic communities. This move is a sheer example of structural racism, and every time a social leader’s voice or mine is lifted up to demand rights enshrined in the Constitution, then we end up being military targets by armed groups in our territory, particularly right-wing paramilitaries.

* If there weren’t economic interests in these territories, we wouldn’t have to get up and fight in order to have a decent life. We’re risking our lives to stop harmful extractive industries, because the latter are enjoying benefits at the expense of the many people who have died. 

* Humanity’s greatest challenge is to either work together to preserve this planet or destroy it. It’s up to us to assume our own responsibility and defend life. In Colombia, we’re creating campaigns to incentivize reforestation, as well as recycling. We want to raise awareness about the products that can be composted and how we re-use certain items. There is so much we can do. 

=== Interview with ''Democracy Now'' (2022) ===
&lt;small&gt;[https://www.democracynow.org/2022/6/21/first_black_vice_president_francia_marquez 2022 interview] with ''Democracy Now''&lt;/small&gt;

* I think that more than making history, we are giving impetus to the idea that in Colombia a new form of government is possible, governance that is built up from the Black, Indigenous and peasant peoples from the very different sectors of the community, LGBTIQ+, from the youth, from the women, from the small farmers of Colombia, those who have been no one — that is to say, who have never had a voice in the government, who have never had a voice in order to put forward our grievances as a people. And today we need to put forward the nobodies, the people who’ve never had a voice, to step into the state so that we can write our own history, a history that will make it possible to live with dignity, with justice, with equity, with equality, that would enable each and every one of us to turn the page of violence of the armed conflict and to pursue agenda of social justice.

* This situation of armed conflict and abandonment in terms of no social investment, that needs to be brought to a halt. It’s not going to be brought to a halt by the privileged elites of white men who have historically governed our country. It’s the people who need to step forward to press their grievances.

* I have been proposing a program of agroecological productive projects and with the idea of food sovereignty being the top issue. There’s more than 21 million people in Colombia who don’t eat enough, who go to bed hungry every night.

* That is a history that is repeated day after day. Mothers go to work in the homes of other families, and they come home to bury their children. That is the history of our country. 

* We’re tired of having to bury our family members and seeing women, mothers, burying their children. That is not just. We deserve a more dignified nation, a nation in peace, a nation with social justice, and an antiracist nation.

* Right now I’m here in the United States. And I know that the Black people here are assassinated, especially Black youth, in the same way as Black, impoverished Black youth, racialized impoverished Black youth, are assassinated in Colombia. Because of the color of our skin, they see us as criminals. But we are human beings. Our dignity must be respected and recognized. 

* when I announced that I wanted to be president of Colombia, people said, “Francia, you’re crazy, because you think that” — they can’t imagine it. They think that’s reserved for white men who are privileged elites. But today, those of us who are nobody, those of us who haven’t had a voice, those who have been historically silenced and subjected to violence, are standing up to say that we are going to go forward from resistance to power until dignity becomes something that our country becomes accustomed to.

=== Interview with ''Latin America Reports'' (2022) ===
&lt;small&gt;[https://latinamericareports.com/colombia-needs-environmental-restoration-version-of-bidens-jobs-plan-presidential-pre-candidate-francia-marquez-interview/6390/ 2022 interview] with ''Latin America Reports''&lt;/small&gt;

* The strength of my ancestors and the women who gave birth to freedom and taught us the path of dignity motivated me to start on this road to the Colombian presidency.

* We must dispel the myth that the main cause of violence is the “absence of the state.” On the contrary, in many territories where social leaders have been assassinated, the state, especially the armed forces, has been present defending the multinationals that extract our resources, carrying out forced eradication of crops, and displacing communities that are victims of the armed conflict. The elites have created this myth to avoid taking responsibility for the systematic violations of human rights. 

* We want the peace we make to have opportunities for our economies so they can be strengthened by knowledge and productive applications based on our ecological and cultural diversity. This is so we can advance and transform global energy and decarbonize the planet. 

* It is not enough to promote more jobs; there needs to be a guarantee of training, remuneration, and stability. 

* We have spoken about building a program of employability with care. We must care for and restore our rivers, soils, rural and urban ecosystems, and care for people, children, and the elderly. Our economy is based on care, but we need to have the infrastructure for it; gardens, schools, colleges, parks, and sports arenas for children and recreational areas for the elderly population.

* A multimodal transportation revolution is required to decarbonize the economy. That means strengthening rail transportation, which Colombia abandoned as it surrendered to the vehicle and oil industries, naval transportation, cable transportation, and urban planning.

* Restructuring an anti-drug policy is a task for our nation and the region of Latin America. The “zero tolerance” policy to combat drug trafficking must end because it has failed. Complete criminalization has not diminished production, consumption, money laundering, or dismantled the political mafias that dominate our state, flooding the economy with illicit activity. We promote a social epidemiological approach to addictions, the regulation of the existing market, and the use of sacred plants for health and industry. We will embrace a new paradigm to face the phenomenon of the production, distribution, commercialization, and consumption of psychoactive substances since the current, stale paradigm lacks coherence, planning, and understanding of the problem. 

* In our campaign for the presidency, we have built a feminist mandate that seeks to put an end to patriarchal politics, guaranteeing gender equality for women and people with different sexual orientations and gender identities. Our objective is to implement an intersectional public policy that promises sexual and reproductive rights, eradicates all forms of gender-based violence, promotes equal opportunities, and recognizes and redistributes care work. 

* The biggest obstacle we face is the fear people have about their freedom, the fear of deciding for themselves, the fear of joining a transformative force. We are overcoming that fear.

* Hope means believing in ourselves, in our capacity to lead, in our potential to make a better world, country, and planet for everyone.

== External links== 
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Márquez, Francia}}
[[Category:Human rights activists]]
[[Category:Environmentalists]]
[[Category:Lawyers]]
[[Category:People from Colombia]]
[[Category:Women politicians]]
[[Category:1981 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:South-American women]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>The Lion Guard</title>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-11T20:49:38Z</timestamp>
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      <text bytes="24105" xml:space="preserve">{{tv-cleanup|2022-07-19}}
'''''The Lion Guard''''' (2015-2019) is an American animated television series which premiered on Disney Junior in 2015. It is a spin-off of [[the Lion King]].
==Main Characters==
===Kion===
* Hevi Kabisa! ''(Meaning: Totally intense!)''
===Bunga===
* Zuka Zama! ''(Meaning: Pop up, dive in!)''
* Un-bunga-lievable!
===Fuli===
* Huwezi! ''(Meaning: Can't catch me!)''
===Beshte===
* Twende Kiboko! ''(Meaning: Let's go hippo!)''
* What's the kerbubble?
* Poa! ''(Meaning: Cool!)''
===Ono===
* Hapana! ''(Meaning: Oh no!)''
* Common knowledge, really.
===Anga===
* Anga lenga! ''(Meaning: Aim for the sky!)''
* Yep.
==Dialogue==
===Season 1===
====Return of the Roar====
*''[First Lines]''
:'''Simba:''' Everything the light touches is part of our kingdom. The Pride Lands. Ruling it is a big responsibility, Kiara. And someday, when you're queen...
:'''Kion:''' Heads up! Incoming!
:''[Simba gets hit in the head by a baobab fruit]''
:'''Simba:''' ''[Grunts in annoyance]''
:'''Kiara:''' Kion!
:'''Kion:''' Oh! ''[Chuckles]'' Sorry, Dad. Me and Bunga were playing Baobab Ball...
:'''Bunga:''' And Kion couldn't handle the pass!
:'''Kion:''' What? A giraffe couldn't handle it. You kicked it over my head!
:'''Simba:''' Kion!
:'''Bunga:''' And you couldn't handle it!
:'''Simba:''' Bunga...
:'''Kion:''' Yeah? Try to handle this!
:''[Kion and Bunga fight over the baobab ball]''
:'''Kiara:''' ''[Sighs]''
:'''Simba:''' Boys!
:''[Kion lets go of the ball, sending Bunga flying backwards]''
:'''Bunga:''' Woah!
:'''Simba:''' Kion, I need to talk to your sister. She'll be tracking gazelles with her friends today.
:'''Kiara:''' Because I'm training to be..
:'''Kion:''' Queen of the Pride Lands. Yeah, yeah. I know all about it, Kiara.
:'''Kiara:''' At least I have my life figured out. What are you gonna grow up to be, little brother?
:'''Kion:''' Happy?
:'''Simba:''' ''[Pushes Kion aside]'' All right you two, that's enough. Kion, why don't you and Bunga go play somewhere else?
:'''Bunga:''' Yeah! I know the perfect place! ''[Holds up the baobab ball]'' Hey, Kion! ''[Sing-song voice]'' You'll never get the baobab fruit, no.
:'''Kion:''' Ha! You got nowhere to go, Bunga!
:'''Bunga:''' Says you. Zuka zama! ''[Jumps off Pride Rock]''
:''[Bunga laughs as he lands in a tree]''
:'''Bunga:''' ''[Lands safely on solid ground]'' Catch me if you can, Kion! ''[Catches the baobab ball]''
:'''Kion:''' Game on, Bunga! Later, Dad. Have fun tracking those gazelle, Kiara. I gotta get Bunga! ''[Goes after Bunga]''
:'''Kiara:''' ''[Sighs]'' I can't believe we're related.
:'''Simba:''' Kion will grow up someday. I hope.

*'''Janja:''' ''[Chewing on a bone]'' Oh! 'Fraid there's no meat left for you, boys.
:'''Cheezi:''' ''[Notices Kion and Bunga's baobab ball]'' Janja! Janja! A baobab fruit!
:'''Chungu:''' Let's eat it! I'm starvelated!
:'''Janja:''' What do you take me for, a vegetarian? I want something nice and meaty for lunch! Something... ''[Tries to eat a butterfly]'' Huh? Where'd it go?
:''[The other hyenas laugh at Janja due to the butterfly being on his head]''
:'''Janja:''' What? What's so funny?
:''[The hyenas continue laughing]''
:'''Janja:''' What are you laughing at? Tell me! ''[Jumps down to the other hyenas]'' Stop it, furbrains! Look. A honey badger. ''[Slurps]'' Now that's my idea of a delightful lunch! ''[Knocks his bone away]''
:''[Nne and Tano rush towards the bone]''
:'''Janja:''' Chungu! Cheezi! Bring him to me!

*'''Simba:''' Son, we need to talk.
:'''Kion:''' Oh no. Dad, we already had that talk. ''#Can you feel the love tonight?#'' I know all about that mushy stuff.

*'''Rafiki:''' See, Simba? You see? He is ready! It is time!
:'''Nala:''' ''[Looks at Simba]'' Simba?
:'''Simba:''' Yes. Kion is ready. It is time. Time for the Lion Guard.

====Never Judge a Hyena By Its Spots====
*'''Jasiri:''' Surprise!
:'''Kion:''' ''[Gasps]''
:'''Jasiri:''' ''[Laughs]'' Didn't know I was up here, did ya?
:'''Kion:''' No, I... I knew you were there the whole time, hyena.
:'''Jasiri:''' Yep, I'm a hyena, alright. You lions are so clever. ''[Laughs]'' Especially you, Kion. Leader of the Lion Guard.
:'''Kion:''' You know me?
:'''Jasiri:''' Just by reputation. The mark on your shoulder's a giveaway, though. ''[Laughs]''
:'''Kion:''' So, you're not in Janja's clan?
:'''Jasiri:''' Janja? Yeah, that's a good one. What are you doing in the Outlands? Not exactly your territory.
:'''Kion:''' I'm going to Flat Ridge Rock, so I can get back to the Pride Lands. If that's okay with you, hyena.
:'''Jasiri:''' The name's Jasiri. And if you are headed back to the Pride Lands, you're going the wrong way.
:'''Kion:''' Uh-huh. And I should trust a hyena because...
:'''Jasiri:''' Because I want you out of my territory.
:'''Kion:''' Good. I want out of your territory. ''[Scoffs]''
:''[As Kion leaves, Jasiri begins to follow him]''
:'''Jasiri:''' Then you're going the wrong way!

*'''Jasiri:''' Janja!
:'''Janja:''' Well, well. If it isn't Jasiri. Thought I told you to stay off our turf!
:'''Jasiri:''' Just passing through. So move. Or do I have to move you myself?
:''[Cheezi and Chungu stand next to Janja]''
:'''Janja:''' Big talk, coming from someone who's all alone!
:'''Jasiri:''' Okay, I'll take another path.
:''[More hyenas surround Jasiri]''
:'''Jasiri:''' So, you figured out that only three of you didn't stand a chance against me.
:''[The hyenas back Jasiri into a corner]''
:'''Janja:''' C'mon, boys. Let's remind Jasiri what happens to someone who wanders into our part of the Outlands!

*'''Jasiri:''' Well, I better get back to my territory. I'm sure your roar doesn't scare off Janja forever.
:'''Kion:''' ''[Chuckles]'' If only.
:'''Jasiri:''' ''[Laughs]'' Bye, Kion. It's been fun.
:'''Kion:''' Bye, Jasiri. Maybe I'll see you again sometime?
:'''Jasiri:''' Not if I see you first. ''[Laughs]''

====The Rise of Makuu====
*'''Pua:''' Basi! It's been many weeks. How are the fish today?
:'''Basi:''' More than last time, Pua, not not enough for your float of crocs. Swing by next week?
:'''Pua:''' If that's how it must be. ''[Addresses his float]'' Move on, my friends. We'll eat somewhere else today.
:'''Makuu:''' Wait! ''[Approaches Pua]'' Pua, you said we were going to eat fish.
:'''Pua:''' Makuu, there aren't enough fish yet. You heard Basi.
:'''Makuu:''' ''[Rolls his eyes]'' I heard him. But why should we crocodiles listen to a hippo?
:'''Pua:''' I've told you before, Makuu. It's the Circle of Life.
:'''Makuu:''' So you say. ''[Strides around Pua]'' But I think you listen to the hippos because you're weak. ''[Faces Pua]'' You're afraid of them! ''[Thumps his chest]'' But I'm not afraid of anyone. And that's why I call for a mashindano!
:'''Beshte:''' Dad, what's a mashindano?
:'''Basi:''' The mashindano is a physical challenge. It's how the crocodiles determine their leader.
:'''Kion:''' ''[Concerned]'' Hevi kabisa.
:'''Pua:''' A mashindano?
:'''Makuu:''' You heard me! Accept or surrender your leadership. Immediately!
:'''Pua:''' I accept your challenge, Makuu. ''[Faces his float]'' In accordance to tradition, the mashindano will take place near Lake Matope at sunset.

====Bunga the Wise====
*'''Bunga:''' That spot with the flowers, it looks like the perfect place to bask in the sun.
:'''Rafiki:''' I would not lie there, if I were you.
:'''Bunga:''' Pfft. Come on, Rafiki. I can tell the best spots to bask. I'm the smartest animal around. You said so yourself.
:'''Rafiki:''' You did not hear everything I said. Honey badgers are only smartest when they think things through.
:'''Bunga:''' ''[Leaps into the air]'' Think things through? ''[Lands in the flowers which are growing in mud]'' Uh. Guess I'm not so wise after all. ''[Lounges in the mud]'' Oh well. I can live with that.

====Can't Wait to be Queen====

====Eye of the Beholder====

====The Kupatana Celebration====

====Fuli's New Family====

====The Search for Utamu====
*'''Beshte:''' So, Little B, what's so special about these... Utami grubs, anyway?
:'''Bunga:''' Well, Utamu brought me together with my uncle Timon and uncle Pumbaa.
:'''Kion:''' Really? I never knew that.
:'''Bunga:''' You mean I never told you?
:'''Beshte:''' I always wondered. How did you end up staying with Timon and Pumbaa?
:'''Bunga:''' Glad you asked. It was a while ago, when I was really little.
:''[Flashback to when Bunga was much younger and eating out of a log]''
:'''Bunga:''' ''[Narrating]'' I never met my real mom and dad. Back then, I was all on my own. I could find my own food easy enough, but I was lonely. And then, I saw them. Right as they walked past Mapema Rock.
:''[Timon and Pumbaa approach Mapema Rock]''
:'''Timon &amp; Pumbaa:''' ''#Utamu! Utamu!#''
:'''Pumbaa:''' ''#Good for you and yummy too!#''
:'''Timon:''' ''#Goes right down like squishy goo!#''
:'''Timon &amp; Pumbaa:''' ''#Utamu! Utamu!#''
:'''Pumbaa:''' ''#When only the best will do, it's the grub for you! Utamu!#''
:'''Timon:''' ''#It's got a taste, rich and bold your mouth will be amazed!#''
:'''Pumbaa:''' ''#It's a kind of taste you won't forget the rest of your days!#''
:'''Timon &amp; Pumbaa:''' ''#Utamu! Utamu!#''
:'''Pumbaa:''' ''#Good for you and yummy too!#''
:'''Timon:''' ''#Goes right down like squishy goo!#''
:'''Timon &amp; Pumbaa:''' ''#Utamu! Utamu! When only the best will do, it's the grub for you! Utamu!#''
:'''Timon:''' Come on, Pumbaa. The Utamu grubs only come out once a year. And this year, we're gonna get 'em.
:'''Pumbaa:''' Oh, that's what you say every year, Timon. And then, halfway up that big tree, you decide to wait till next year.
:'''Bunga:''' ''[Narrating]'' They seemed friendly. Funny. And a little stinky. Just like me! I knew we'd get along!
:''[Baby Bunga runs up to Timon and Pumbaa]''
:'''Pumbaa:''' Huh?
:'''Timon:''' Beat it, kid. Me and Pumbaa have grubs to find.
:'''Baby Bunga:''' Grubs! Grubs!
:'''Pumbaa:''' Oh, Timon! I think he likes you!
:'''Timon:''' Okay, kid. See that big rock? I betcha there's plenty of grubs under it. You go get 'em!
:'''Baby Bunga:''' Zuka zama! ''[Rushes off to get the grubs]''
:'''Timon:''' Pumbaa, now! Before he comes back.
:'''Pumbaa:''' Oh, all right.
:''[Baby Bunga brings the grubs to Timon and Pumbaa]''
:'''Baby Bunga:''' Grubs! Grubs!
:'''Timon:''' Oh. Eh... Thanks, kid. ''[Tosses a grub to Pumbaa]''
:'''Pumbaa:''' Mmm. Aw, look at him. He's such a cute little thing. Can we keep him?
:'''Timon:''' Keep him? No. No more kids. We already raised a lion, remember? Besides, he's a honey badger. He can fend for himself! So long, kid. Thanks for the grub!
:''[Baby Bunga hugs Timon]''
:'''Pumbaa:''' Oh, I think he wants to be with us, too!
:'''Timon:''' We'll see about that.
:'''Bunga:''' ''[Narrating]'' Then Timon asked me to find the rarest, most delicious grubs in the Pride Lands. Utamu!
:'''Baby Bunga:''' Zuka zama! ''[Climbs up a tree]''
:'''Timon:''' He's really doing it! I was sure he'd be too scared and just run away.
:'''Pumbaa:''' I don't think he's afraid of anything, Timon.
:'''Timon:''' Yeah. The kid's loopier than a snake squeezin' his supper.
:'''Pumbaa:''' Or as they say in the Serengeti, he's bunga!
:''[Baby Bunga hops down from the tree]''
:'''Baby Bunga:''' Bunga, Bunga, Bunga!
:'''Timon:''' Would ya look at that. He got 'em! He got the utamu.
:'''Pumbaa:''' Now can we keep him, Timon?
:'''Timon:''' Can we? The little Bunga got us the most delicious grubs in the Pride Lands! How can we not? C'mon, Bunga! From now on, you're with us! Mmm!
:''[Cut to the present where Bunga is talking to his friends]''
:'''Bunga:''' So now, at the peak of every rainy season, we celebrate. I always bring the utamu. My uncles love 'em! And I don't want to let them down.
:'''Beshte:''' Aw, Little B. ''[Sniffles]'' That was beautiful!
:'''Kion:''' Don't worry, Bunga. We'll help you get that Utamu. Right, guys?
:'''Ono:''' Yes. But, uh, the dung beetles aren't going to help. They're gone.
:'''Bunga:''' ''[Looks down]'' Say what?
:'''Beshte:''' So how are we going to find the Utamu now?
:'''Bunga:''' Hmm... ''[Notices the tree]'' I see the tree! Zuka zama! Come on!
:'''Beshte:''' Too bad Fuli didn't get to hear Bunga's story.
:'''Kion:''' Yeah. But it's good that she's getting some rest.

====Follow That Hippo!====

====The Call of the Drongo====

====Paintings and Predictions====

====The Mbali Fields Migration====

====Bunga and the King====

====The Imaginary Okapi====

====Too Many Termites====

====The Trouble with Galagos====

====Janja's New Crew====

====Baboons!====

====Beware the Zimwi====

====Lions of the Outlands====
*'''Kion:''' Lions are pretty reasonable. Once we get to the watering hole, I'm sure we can work thing-
:''[Nuka tackles Jasiri]''
:'''Nuka:''' We told you to stay out of here, hyena!
:'''Kion:''' Hey! ''[Tackles Nuka]'' Back off!
:'''Nuka:''' Who are you?
:'''Kion:''' Name's Kion! Who are you?
:'''Kovu:''' Nuka! Hey, Nuka!
:'''Nuka:''' Kovu! Tell him to let me up!
:'''Kion:''' A friend of yours?
:'''Kovu:''' ''[Sighs]'' He's my brother.
:'''Nuka:''' That's right! So you'd better let me up! It's two against one now!
:'''Jasiri:''' It's two against two.
:'''Nuka:''' It should be three against one. What kind of lion are you? Siding with a hyena.

====Never Roar Again====

====The Lost Gorillas====

====The Trail to Udugu====

====Ono's Idol====
*'''Ono:''' Isn't he (Hadithi) amazing?
:'''Kion:''' Oh, yeah!
:'''Bunga:''' Hey, Ono. Let's ask him about his spin thingie. ''[Walks up to Hadithi]'' Yo, Hadithi!
:'''Ono:''' Bunga! You can't just talk to Hadithi. He's the Raven Rescuer from Red Rocks. The Starling Savior at Summer Springs.
:'''Hadithi:''' Don't forget the Guardian of the Great Egret Escape.
:'''Ono:''' Oh, I would never... ''[Gasps]'' Uh, Bunga, is Hadithi actually talking to me?
:'''Hadithi:''' Indeed I am, young egret. You seem to know a lot about me.
:'''Ono:''' Oh, I do. Hadithi, sir. ''[Clears throat]'' In fact, I would have to say I'm your... biggest fan?
:'''Hadithi:''' My biggest fan? ''[Chuckles]'' Are you sure, young egret? As you can see, I have many.
*'''Hadithi:''' I was supposed to pass my wisdom on to you. But instead, you passed some wisdom onto me. You know why, kid? 'Cause you're a natural. A natural hero.
:'''Ono:''' ''[Smiles at Hadithi]''
:''[The animals of the Pride Lands cheer]''
:'''Bunga:''' Way to go, Ono!
:'''Hadithi:''' Animals of the Pride Lands, I give you Ono the egret, creator of the Ono Spin.

====Beshte and the Hippo Lanes====
*'''Basi:''' Making the Hippo Lanes after a big rainstorm has been a hippo tradition for a long time.
:'''Beshte:''' It sure would be easy to get lost in all these reeds.
:'''Basi:''' Exactly. Flattening all these overgrown plants helps everyone else cross the flood plains safely. So I try to make them straight and true.
:'''Beshte:''' And that's what they are. Straight and true.
:'''Basi:''' I do my best. And some day, ''you'll'' be the one making the Hippo Lanes.

====Ono the Tickbird====

===Season 2===
====Babysitter Bunga====
====The Savannah Summit====
====The Travelling Baboon Show====
====Ono and the Egg====
====The Rise of Scar====
*'''Janja:''' Are you...?
:'''Scar:''' Yes... I am... Scar.

====Let Sleeping Crocs Lie====
====Swept Away====
====Rafiki's New Neighbors====
====Rescue in the Outlands====
*'''Ushari:''' Should I even ask how the meeting with the jackals went?
:'''Janja:''' We didn't find 'em, OK?
:'''Cheezi:''' Yeah. We found Jasiri instead.
:'''Chungu:''' She's the one who sent us back here!
:'''Ushari:''' I'm sorry, did you say one hyena defeated all three of you?
:'''Janja:''' Hey, Jasiri's no ordinary hyena. She's fearless or something.
:''[Scar appears]''
:'''Scar:''' A fearless hyena? Perhaps, she should be part of our collective.
:'''Janja:''' What? No. No way. Jasiri's bad news. She's even friends with the Lion Guard!
:'''Scar:''' Friends with the Lion Guard?
:'''Janja:''' Oh, yeah. She even respects the circle of life like they do. Trust me, Scar, Jasiri's the worst!
====The Ukumbusho Tradition====
*'''Bunga:''' What do the elephants call this ceremony again? Kuba... Kubamusho?
:'''Kion:''' Ukumbusho. It's a performance that celebrates the friendship between the elephants and the lions of the Pride Lands.
*''[Makini has just finished painting Bunga, Ono and Beshte to look like lions]''
:'''Makini:''' So, Kion? Do they look like lions to you?
:'''Kion:''' Uhh...
:'''Bunga:''' Yeah, come on, Kion! Do we look great? Or ''really'' great?
:'''Kion:''' I've definitely never seen anything like it.
:'''Bunga:''' That's what I thought. I look un-bunga-lievable!
:'''Ono:''' That's one way of putting it.
:'''Timon:''' Prepare yourselves for the piece de resistance!
:''[Timon and Pumbaa reveal Fuli also painted to look like a lion]''
:'''Timon &amp; Pumbaa:''' Ta-da!
:'''Timon:''' Do you see any cheetahs here, Pumbaa?
:'''Pumbaa:''' Not me. All I see is a lion. And what a lion!
:'''Fuli:''' I look ridiculous!
:'''Timon:''' Shh... You're spoiling the illusion. ''[Begins feeling her fur]'' Ooh. Ooh.
:'''Fuli:''' What are you doing?
:'''Timon:''' Sorry. Even as a lion, your fur is still so soft...
:'''Fuli:''' ''[Disgusted]'' Ugh! This costume is so weird!
:'''Beshte:''' Come on, Fuli. You look just like the rest of us.
:'''Fuli:''' Why doesn't that make me feel better?
:'''Kion:''' You know what? You all look terrific. Good work, Makini. I know you're all gonna do great at the Ukumbusho tonight.
:'''Makini:''' Oh, it's almost sunset. And I still have to paint the elephants! ''[Rushes off with her yellow paint]''
*'''Fuli:''' Vuruga Vuruga! Buffalo! You need to get out of here! Right now!
:'''Vuruga Vuruga:''' Leave? This is one of the few grazing grounds left. Who do you think you are? Telling us what to do!
:'''Fuli:''' It's me, Fuli. From the Lion Guard. The costume. Of course. Ugh. I knew I looked ridiculous. Long story. Elephants are coming fast. You gotta move.
:'''Vuruga Vuruga:''' And why should we listen to you, weird looking cheetah-lion thing that we've never seen before?
:'''Fuli:''' I don't have time for this! Hmm... ''[Gruffly]'' Because I am something you've never seen before. I only come out on the full moon to eat buffalo!
:'''Buffalo:''' ''[Snorts]''
:'''Fuli:''' If I were you, I'd run. Now! ''[Growls]''
:''[The buffalo all rush off]''
:'''Fuli:''' Maybe looking ridiculous isn't so bad after all.
*'''Kion:''' Greetings, wise elephants! My name is Askari. I am first leader of the Pride Lands Lion Guard. You have nothing to fear from us.
:'''Ma Tembo:''' And you, wise lions, have nothing to fear from us.

====The Bite of Kenge====
====Timon and Pumbaa's Christmas====
====The Morning Report====
====The Golden Zebra====
====The Little Guy====
====Divide and Conquer====
====The Scorpion's Sting====
*'''Scar:''' Friends. Today, we will end Simba's reign, and destroy the Lion Guard.
:'''Janja:''' Great!
:'''Kiburi:''' Finally.
:'''Reirei:''' Yeah!
:'''Mzingo:''' Capital.
:'''Scar:''' Tell your followers to be ready.
:'''Janja:''' Uh, Scar? Just one question. How do you... We plan on takin' down Simba and the Lion Guard in the same day?
:'''Reirei:''' For once, I gotta agree with the hyena. It ain't gonna be easy.
:'''Scar:''' Yes, I know. Which is precisely why I have brought in some help. And here it comes now.
:''[A black scorpion named Sumu crawls into the area]''
:'''Janja:''' ''[Terrified]'' Scorpion! ''[Clambers on top of Reirei and Kiburi]'' Look out! Comin' through!
:'''Kiburi:''' Watch it!
:'''Scar:''' ''[Sighs]'' He's not going to sting you, Janja.
:'''Ushari:''' Yesss. Sumu's venom is reserved for a more Royal target.
:'''Scar:''' You know what to do, Sumu.
:'''Sumu:''' And do it, I will. ''[Slams his stinger on the ground]''
:''[Sumu leaves]''
:'''Janja:''' Is he gone yet?
:'''Kiburi:''' Yeah. Now get down.
====The Wisdom of Kongwe====
====The Kilio Valley Fire====
====Undercover Kinyonga====
====Cave of Secrets====
====The Zebra Mastermind====
====The Hyena Resistance====
====The Underground Adventure====
*'''Beshte:''' Maybe you should try the warm mud pots at the edge of the Pride Lands. Us hippos love 'em when the weather's too dry.
:'''Ono:''' Mud can be very moisturizing.
:'''Zuri:''' That's perfect. We'll go to the mud pots.
:'''Tiifu:''' You have to come, too, Kiara. We never see you anymore.
:'''Zuri:''' Yeah. You're always so busy with boring Royal Family stuff.
:'''Nala:''' &quot;Boring Royal Family stuff&quot;?
:'''Kiara:''' Like helping the Pride Landers deal with the threat of Scar?
:'''Tiifu:''' Exactly.
:'''Zuri:''' And it'd be good for you, Kiara. I didn't want to say it, but you're looking a little frizzy yourself.
:'''Kiara:''' Mom?
:'''Nala:''' The edge of the Pride Lands isn't as safe as it used to be. But if you had an escort from the Lion Guard...
:'''Bunga:''' I'd be happy to take Kiara to the mud pots. No one'll keep her safer than me.
:'''Nala:''' I was thinking more about Kion.
:'''Bunga:''' Kion can come too. That'll make it more fun.
:'''Kion:''' We wouldn't be going to have fun, Bunga. But you'd definitely be safer with two Lion Guard members. I'll go.
:'''Kiara:''' Thanks, Kion.
:'''Tiifu &amp; Zuri:''' ''#Girls' day away! Girls' day away!#''
:'''Kion:''' Fuli, Beshte, Ono, keep up the daily patrol. Looks like Bunga and I are going on a Girls' day away.
:'''Fuli:''' Better you than me.
*'''Ono:''' Kion! Bunga! There you are! We just put out the fire by the mud pots.
:'''Beshte:''' We were so worried when we didn't see you guys. Are you okay?
:'''Kion:''' We're fine.
:'''Fuli:''' But the fire was huge. How did you get away?
:'''Kion:''' It's kind of a long story.
:'''Bunga:''' Yeah. With a mole, an aardvark and a zebra in it.
:'''Fuli:''' You mean that zebra?
:'''Thurston:''' ''[Investigating a cave]'' Ooh. I wonder what's in here? ''[Enters the cave]'' Help! Help! It's dark and I'm trapped!
:'''Tiifu:''' It's okay. I've got this. ''[Enters the cave]'' Don't panic, zebra. Your best friend's coming to get you. There's nothing to fear down here.

====Beshte and the Beast====
====Pride Landers Unite!====
====The Queen's Visit====
====The Fall of Mizimu Grove====
====Fire from the Sky====

===Season 3===
==Voice Cast==
===Main===
* [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Max%20Charles Max Charles] as Kion
* [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joshua%20Rush Joshua Rush] as Bunga
* [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diamond_White_(singer) Diamond White] as Fuli
* Dusan Brown as Beshte
* [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Atticus%20Shaffer Atticus Shaffer] as Ono
* [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bryana%20Salaz Bryana Salaz] as Anga
===Recurring===
* [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rob%20Lowe Rob Lowe] as Simba
* [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gabrielle_Union Gabrielle Union] as Nala
* [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eden_Riegel Eden Riegel] as Kiara
* [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gary%20Anthony%20Williams Gary Anthony Williams] as Mufasa
* Jeff Bennett as Zazu
* Khary Payton as Rafiki
* Kevin Schon as Timon, Thurston and Chungu
* Ernie Sabella as Pumbaa
* David Oyelowo as Scar
* Jason Marsden as Kovu
* Lacey Chabert as Vitani
* Andy Dick as Nuka
* Nika Futterman as Zira
* Sarah Hyland as Tiifu (Season 1)
* Bailey Gambertoglio as Tiifu (Season 2)
* Madison Pettis as Zuri
* Landry Bender as Makini
* Maia Mitchell as Jasiri
* Kevin Michael Richardson as Basi
* Lynette DuPree as Ma Tembo
* Michael Dorn as Bupu
* Gerald C. Rivers as Pua
* Blair Underwood as Makuu
* C.J. Byrnes as Tamaa
* John O'Hurley as Hadithi
* Renee Elise Goldsberry as Dhahabu
* Justin Hires as Hodari
* Behzad Dabu as Azaad
* Fiona Riley as Binga
* Peyton Elizabeth Lee as Rani
* Hudson Yang as Baliyo
* Lou Diamond Philips as Surak
* Miki Yamashita as Nirmala
* Vyvan Pham as Ullu
* Shoreh Aghdashloo as Janna
* Andrew Kishino as Janja and Ora
* Christopher Jackson as Shujaa
* Vargus Mason as Cheezi
* Johnny Rees as Mzingo
* Cam Clarke as Mwoga
* Christian Slater as Ushari
* Ana Gasteyer as Reirei
* Phil Lamarr as Goigoi
* Common as Kiburi
* Meghan Strange as Shupavu and Kinyonga
* Steve Blum as Makucha
* Kimiko Glenn as Chuluun
* Rachel House as Mama Binturong</text>
      <sha1>444zspzt2dbfcyun2i1fvsnj9upkf1k</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153672</id>
      <parentid>3153671</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T20:52:06Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>82.27.235.81</ip>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* The Rise of Makuu */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="24105" xml:space="preserve">{{tv-cleanup|2022-07-19}}
'''''The Lion Guard''''' (2015-2019) is an American animated television series which premiered on Disney Junior in 2015. It is a spin-off of [[the Lion King]].
==Main Characters==
===Kion===
* Hevi Kabisa! ''(Meaning: Totally intense!)''
===Bunga===
* Zuka Zama! ''(Meaning: Pop up, dive in!)''
* Un-bunga-lievable!
===Fuli===
* Huwezi! ''(Meaning: Can't catch me!)''
===Beshte===
* Twende Kiboko! ''(Meaning: Let's go hippo!)''
* What's the kerbubble?
* Poa! ''(Meaning: Cool!)''
===Ono===
* Hapana! ''(Meaning: Oh no!)''
* Common knowledge, really.
===Anga===
* Anga lenga! ''(Meaning: Aim for the sky!)''
* Yep.
==Dialogue==
===Season 1===
====Return of the Roar====
*''[First Lines]''
:'''Simba:''' Everything the light touches is part of our kingdom. The Pride Lands. Ruling it is a big responsibility, Kiara. And someday, when you're queen...
:'''Kion:''' Heads up! Incoming!
:''[Simba gets hit in the head by a baobab fruit]''
:'''Simba:''' ''[Grunts in annoyance]''
:'''Kiara:''' Kion!
:'''Kion:''' Oh! ''[Chuckles]'' Sorry, Dad. Me and Bunga were playing Baobab Ball...
:'''Bunga:''' And Kion couldn't handle the pass!
:'''Kion:''' What? A giraffe couldn't handle it. You kicked it over my head!
:'''Simba:''' Kion!
:'''Bunga:''' And you couldn't handle it!
:'''Simba:''' Bunga...
:'''Kion:''' Yeah? Try to handle this!
:''[Kion and Bunga fight over the baobab ball]''
:'''Kiara:''' ''[Sighs]''
:'''Simba:''' Boys!
:''[Kion lets go of the ball, sending Bunga flying backwards]''
:'''Bunga:''' Woah!
:'''Simba:''' Kion, I need to talk to your sister. She'll be tracking gazelles with her friends today.
:'''Kiara:''' Because I'm training to be..
:'''Kion:''' Queen of the Pride Lands. Yeah, yeah. I know all about it, Kiara.
:'''Kiara:''' At least I have my life figured out. What are you gonna grow up to be, little brother?
:'''Kion:''' Happy?
:'''Simba:''' ''[Pushes Kion aside]'' All right you two, that's enough. Kion, why don't you and Bunga go play somewhere else?
:'''Bunga:''' Yeah! I know the perfect place! ''[Holds up the baobab ball]'' Hey, Kion! ''[Sing-song voice]'' You'll never get the baobab fruit, no.
:'''Kion:''' Ha! You got nowhere to go, Bunga!
:'''Bunga:''' Says you. Zuka zama! ''[Jumps off Pride Rock]''
:''[Bunga laughs as he lands in a tree]''
:'''Bunga:''' ''[Lands safely on solid ground]'' Catch me if you can, Kion! ''[Catches the baobab ball]''
:'''Kion:''' Game on, Bunga! Later, Dad. Have fun tracking those gazelle, Kiara. I gotta get Bunga! ''[Goes after Bunga]''
:'''Kiara:''' ''[Sighs]'' I can't believe we're related.
:'''Simba:''' Kion will grow up someday. I hope.

*'''Janja:''' ''[Chewing on a bone]'' Oh! 'Fraid there's no meat left for you, boys.
:'''Cheezi:''' ''[Notices Kion and Bunga's baobab ball]'' Janja! Janja! A baobab fruit!
:'''Chungu:''' Let's eat it! I'm starvelated!
:'''Janja:''' What do you take me for, a vegetarian? I want something nice and meaty for lunch! Something... ''[Tries to eat a butterfly]'' Huh? Where'd it go?
:''[The other hyenas laugh at Janja due to the butterfly being on his head]''
:'''Janja:''' What? What's so funny?
:''[The hyenas continue laughing]''
:'''Janja:''' What are you laughing at? Tell me! ''[Jumps down to the other hyenas]'' Stop it, furbrains! Look. A honey badger. ''[Slurps]'' Now that's my idea of a delightful lunch! ''[Knocks his bone away]''
:''[Nne and Tano rush towards the bone]''
:'''Janja:''' Chungu! Cheezi! Bring him to me!

*'''Simba:''' Son, we need to talk.
:'''Kion:''' Oh no. Dad, we already had that talk. ''#Can you feel the love tonight?#'' I know all about that mushy stuff.

*'''Rafiki:''' See, Simba? You see? He is ready! It is time!
:'''Nala:''' ''[Looks at Simba]'' Simba?
:'''Simba:''' Yes. Kion is ready. It is time. Time for the Lion Guard.

====Never Judge a Hyena By Its Spots====
*'''Jasiri:''' Surprise!
:'''Kion:''' ''[Gasps]''
:'''Jasiri:''' ''[Laughs]'' Didn't know I was up here, did ya?
:'''Kion:''' No, I... I knew you were there the whole time, hyena.
:'''Jasiri:''' Yep, I'm a hyena, alright. You lions are so clever. ''[Laughs]'' Especially you, Kion. Leader of the Lion Guard.
:'''Kion:''' You know me?
:'''Jasiri:''' Just by reputation. The mark on your shoulder's a giveaway, though. ''[Laughs]''
:'''Kion:''' So, you're not in Janja's clan?
:'''Jasiri:''' Janja? Yeah, that's a good one. What are you doing in the Outlands? Not exactly your territory.
:'''Kion:''' I'm going to Flat Ridge Rock, so I can get back to the Pride Lands. If that's okay with you, hyena.
:'''Jasiri:''' The name's Jasiri. And if you are headed back to the Pride Lands, you're going the wrong way.
:'''Kion:''' Uh-huh. And I should trust a hyena because...
:'''Jasiri:''' Because I want you out of my territory.
:'''Kion:''' Good. I want out of your territory. ''[Scoffs]''
:''[As Kion leaves, Jasiri begins to follow him]''
:'''Jasiri:''' Then you're going the wrong way!

*'''Jasiri:''' Janja!
:'''Janja:''' Well, well. If it isn't Jasiri. Thought I told you to stay off our turf!
:'''Jasiri:''' Just passing through. So move. Or do I have to move you myself?
:''[Cheezi and Chungu stand next to Janja]''
:'''Janja:''' Big talk, coming from someone who's all alone!
:'''Jasiri:''' Okay, I'll take another path.
:''[More hyenas surround Jasiri]''
:'''Jasiri:''' So, you figured out that only three of you didn't stand a chance against me.
:''[The hyenas back Jasiri into a corner]''
:'''Janja:''' C'mon, boys. Let's remind Jasiri what happens to someone who wanders into our part of the Outlands!

*'''Jasiri:''' Well, I better get back to my territory. I'm sure your roar doesn't scare off Janja forever.
:'''Kion:''' ''[Chuckles]'' If only.
:'''Jasiri:''' ''[Laughs]'' Bye, Kion. It's been fun.
:'''Kion:''' Bye, Jasiri. Maybe I'll see you again sometime?
:'''Jasiri:''' Not if I see you first. ''[Laughs]''

====The Rise of Makuu====
*'''Pua:''' Basi! It's been many weeks. How are the fish today?
:'''Basi:''' More than last time, Pua, but not enough for your float of crocs. Swing by next week?
:'''Pua:''' If that's how it must be. ''[Addresses his float]'' Move on, my friends. We'll eat somewhere else today.
:'''Makuu:''' Wait! ''[Approaches Pua]'' Pua, you said we were going to eat fish.
:'''Pua:''' Makuu, there aren't enough fish yet. You heard Basi.
:'''Makuu:''' ''[Rolls his eyes]'' I heard him. But why should we crocodiles listen to a hippo?
:'''Pua:''' I've told you before, Makuu. It's the Circle of Life.
:'''Makuu:''' So you say. ''[Strides around Pua]'' But I think you listen to the hippos because you're weak. ''[Faces Pua]'' You're afraid of them! ''[Thumps his chest]'' But I'm not afraid of anyone. And that's why I call for a mashindano!
:'''Beshte:''' Dad, what's a mashindano?
:'''Basi:''' The mashindano is a physical challenge. It's how the crocodiles determine their leader.
:'''Kion:''' ''[Concerned]'' Hevi kabisa.
:'''Pua:''' A mashindano?
:'''Makuu:''' You heard me! Accept or surrender your leadership. Immediately!
:'''Pua:''' I accept your challenge, Makuu. ''[Faces his float]'' In accordance to tradition, the mashindano will take place near Lake Matope at sunset.

====Bunga the Wise====
*'''Bunga:''' That spot with the flowers, it looks like the perfect place to bask in the sun.
:'''Rafiki:''' I would not lie there, if I were you.
:'''Bunga:''' Pfft. Come on, Rafiki. I can tell the best spots to bask. I'm the smartest animal around. You said so yourself.
:'''Rafiki:''' You did not hear everything I said. Honey badgers are only smartest when they think things through.
:'''Bunga:''' ''[Leaps into the air]'' Think things through? ''[Lands in the flowers which are growing in mud]'' Uh. Guess I'm not so wise after all. ''[Lounges in the mud]'' Oh well. I can live with that.

====Can't Wait to be Queen====

====Eye of the Beholder====

====The Kupatana Celebration====

====Fuli's New Family====

====The Search for Utamu====
*'''Beshte:''' So, Little B, what's so special about these... Utami grubs, anyway?
:'''Bunga:''' Well, Utamu brought me together with my uncle Timon and uncle Pumbaa.
:'''Kion:''' Really? I never knew that.
:'''Bunga:''' You mean I never told you?
:'''Beshte:''' I always wondered. How did you end up staying with Timon and Pumbaa?
:'''Bunga:''' Glad you asked. It was a while ago, when I was really little.
:''[Flashback to when Bunga was much younger and eating out of a log]''
:'''Bunga:''' ''[Narrating]'' I never met my real mom and dad. Back then, I was all on my own. I could find my own food easy enough, but I was lonely. And then, I saw them. Right as they walked past Mapema Rock.
:''[Timon and Pumbaa approach Mapema Rock]''
:'''Timon &amp; Pumbaa:''' ''#Utamu! Utamu!#''
:'''Pumbaa:''' ''#Good for you and yummy too!#''
:'''Timon:''' ''#Goes right down like squishy goo!#''
:'''Timon &amp; Pumbaa:''' ''#Utamu! Utamu!#''
:'''Pumbaa:''' ''#When only the best will do, it's the grub for you! Utamu!#''
:'''Timon:''' ''#It's got a taste, rich and bold your mouth will be amazed!#''
:'''Pumbaa:''' ''#It's a kind of taste you won't forget the rest of your days!#''
:'''Timon &amp; Pumbaa:''' ''#Utamu! Utamu!#''
:'''Pumbaa:''' ''#Good for you and yummy too!#''
:'''Timon:''' ''#Goes right down like squishy goo!#''
:'''Timon &amp; Pumbaa:''' ''#Utamu! Utamu! When only the best will do, it's the grub for you! Utamu!#''
:'''Timon:''' Come on, Pumbaa. The Utamu grubs only come out once a year. And this year, we're gonna get 'em.
:'''Pumbaa:''' Oh, that's what you say every year, Timon. And then, halfway up that big tree, you decide to wait till next year.
:'''Bunga:''' ''[Narrating]'' They seemed friendly. Funny. And a little stinky. Just like me! I knew we'd get along!
:''[Baby Bunga runs up to Timon and Pumbaa]''
:'''Pumbaa:''' Huh?
:'''Timon:''' Beat it, kid. Me and Pumbaa have grubs to find.
:'''Baby Bunga:''' Grubs! Grubs!
:'''Pumbaa:''' Oh, Timon! I think he likes you!
:'''Timon:''' Okay, kid. See that big rock? I betcha there's plenty of grubs under it. You go get 'em!
:'''Baby Bunga:''' Zuka zama! ''[Rushes off to get the grubs]''
:'''Timon:''' Pumbaa, now! Before he comes back.
:'''Pumbaa:''' Oh, all right.
:''[Baby Bunga brings the grubs to Timon and Pumbaa]''
:'''Baby Bunga:''' Grubs! Grubs!
:'''Timon:''' Oh. Eh... Thanks, kid. ''[Tosses a grub to Pumbaa]''
:'''Pumbaa:''' Mmm. Aw, look at him. He's such a cute little thing. Can we keep him?
:'''Timon:''' Keep him? No. No more kids. We already raised a lion, remember? Besides, he's a honey badger. He can fend for himself! So long, kid. Thanks for the grub!
:''[Baby Bunga hugs Timon]''
:'''Pumbaa:''' Oh, I think he wants to be with us, too!
:'''Timon:''' We'll see about that.
:'''Bunga:''' ''[Narrating]'' Then Timon asked me to find the rarest, most delicious grubs in the Pride Lands. Utamu!
:'''Baby Bunga:''' Zuka zama! ''[Climbs up a tree]''
:'''Timon:''' He's really doing it! I was sure he'd be too scared and just run away.
:'''Pumbaa:''' I don't think he's afraid of anything, Timon.
:'''Timon:''' Yeah. The kid's loopier than a snake squeezin' his supper.
:'''Pumbaa:''' Or as they say in the Serengeti, he's bunga!
:''[Baby Bunga hops down from the tree]''
:'''Baby Bunga:''' Bunga, Bunga, Bunga!
:'''Timon:''' Would ya look at that. He got 'em! He got the utamu.
:'''Pumbaa:''' Now can we keep him, Timon?
:'''Timon:''' Can we? The little Bunga got us the most delicious grubs in the Pride Lands! How can we not? C'mon, Bunga! From now on, you're with us! Mmm!
:''[Cut to the present where Bunga is talking to his friends]''
:'''Bunga:''' So now, at the peak of every rainy season, we celebrate. I always bring the utamu. My uncles love 'em! And I don't want to let them down.
:'''Beshte:''' Aw, Little B. ''[Sniffles]'' That was beautiful!
:'''Kion:''' Don't worry, Bunga. We'll help you get that Utamu. Right, guys?
:'''Ono:''' Yes. But, uh, the dung beetles aren't going to help. They're gone.
:'''Bunga:''' ''[Looks down]'' Say what?
:'''Beshte:''' So how are we going to find the Utamu now?
:'''Bunga:''' Hmm... ''[Notices the tree]'' I see the tree! Zuka zama! Come on!
:'''Beshte:''' Too bad Fuli didn't get to hear Bunga's story.
:'''Kion:''' Yeah. But it's good that she's getting some rest.

====Follow That Hippo!====

====The Call of the Drongo====

====Paintings and Predictions====

====The Mbali Fields Migration====

====Bunga and the King====

====The Imaginary Okapi====

====Too Many Termites====

====The Trouble with Galagos====

====Janja's New Crew====

====Baboons!====

====Beware the Zimwi====

====Lions of the Outlands====
*'''Kion:''' Lions are pretty reasonable. Once we get to the watering hole, I'm sure we can work thing-
:''[Nuka tackles Jasiri]''
:'''Nuka:''' We told you to stay out of here, hyena!
:'''Kion:''' Hey! ''[Tackles Nuka]'' Back off!
:'''Nuka:''' Who are you?
:'''Kion:''' Name's Kion! Who are you?
:'''Kovu:''' Nuka! Hey, Nuka!
:'''Nuka:''' Kovu! Tell him to let me up!
:'''Kion:''' A friend of yours?
:'''Kovu:''' ''[Sighs]'' He's my brother.
:'''Nuka:''' That's right! So you'd better let me up! It's two against one now!
:'''Jasiri:''' It's two against two.
:'''Nuka:''' It should be three against one. What kind of lion are you? Siding with a hyena.

====Never Roar Again====

====The Lost Gorillas====

====The Trail to Udugu====

====Ono's Idol====
*'''Ono:''' Isn't he (Hadithi) amazing?
:'''Kion:''' Oh, yeah!
:'''Bunga:''' Hey, Ono. Let's ask him about his spin thingie. ''[Walks up to Hadithi]'' Yo, Hadithi!
:'''Ono:''' Bunga! You can't just talk to Hadithi. He's the Raven Rescuer from Red Rocks. The Starling Savior at Summer Springs.
:'''Hadithi:''' Don't forget the Guardian of the Great Egret Escape.
:'''Ono:''' Oh, I would never... ''[Gasps]'' Uh, Bunga, is Hadithi actually talking to me?
:'''Hadithi:''' Indeed I am, young egret. You seem to know a lot about me.
:'''Ono:''' Oh, I do. Hadithi, sir. ''[Clears throat]'' In fact, I would have to say I'm your... biggest fan?
:'''Hadithi:''' My biggest fan? ''[Chuckles]'' Are you sure, young egret? As you can see, I have many.
*'''Hadithi:''' I was supposed to pass my wisdom on to you. But instead, you passed some wisdom onto me. You know why, kid? 'Cause you're a natural. A natural hero.
:'''Ono:''' ''[Smiles at Hadithi]''
:''[The animals of the Pride Lands cheer]''
:'''Bunga:''' Way to go, Ono!
:'''Hadithi:''' Animals of the Pride Lands, I give you Ono the egret, creator of the Ono Spin.

====Beshte and the Hippo Lanes====
*'''Basi:''' Making the Hippo Lanes after a big rainstorm has been a hippo tradition for a long time.
:'''Beshte:''' It sure would be easy to get lost in all these reeds.
:'''Basi:''' Exactly. Flattening all these overgrown plants helps everyone else cross the flood plains safely. So I try to make them straight and true.
:'''Beshte:''' And that's what they are. Straight and true.
:'''Basi:''' I do my best. And some day, ''you'll'' be the one making the Hippo Lanes.

====Ono the Tickbird====

===Season 2===
====Babysitter Bunga====
====The Savannah Summit====
====The Travelling Baboon Show====
====Ono and the Egg====
====The Rise of Scar====
*'''Janja:''' Are you...?
:'''Scar:''' Yes... I am... Scar.

====Let Sleeping Crocs Lie====
====Swept Away====
====Rafiki's New Neighbors====
====Rescue in the Outlands====
*'''Ushari:''' Should I even ask how the meeting with the jackals went?
:'''Janja:''' We didn't find 'em, OK?
:'''Cheezi:''' Yeah. We found Jasiri instead.
:'''Chungu:''' She's the one who sent us back here!
:'''Ushari:''' I'm sorry, did you say one hyena defeated all three of you?
:'''Janja:''' Hey, Jasiri's no ordinary hyena. She's fearless or something.
:''[Scar appears]''
:'''Scar:''' A fearless hyena? Perhaps, she should be part of our collective.
:'''Janja:''' What? No. No way. Jasiri's bad news. She's even friends with the Lion Guard!
:'''Scar:''' Friends with the Lion Guard?
:'''Janja:''' Oh, yeah. She even respects the circle of life like they do. Trust me, Scar, Jasiri's the worst!
====The Ukumbusho Tradition====
*'''Bunga:''' What do the elephants call this ceremony again? Kuba... Kubamusho?
:'''Kion:''' Ukumbusho. It's a performance that celebrates the friendship between the elephants and the lions of the Pride Lands.
*''[Makini has just finished painting Bunga, Ono and Beshte to look like lions]''
:'''Makini:''' So, Kion? Do they look like lions to you?
:'''Kion:''' Uhh...
:'''Bunga:''' Yeah, come on, Kion! Do we look great? Or ''really'' great?
:'''Kion:''' I've definitely never seen anything like it.
:'''Bunga:''' That's what I thought. I look un-bunga-lievable!
:'''Ono:''' That's one way of putting it.
:'''Timon:''' Prepare yourselves for the piece de resistance!
:''[Timon and Pumbaa reveal Fuli also painted to look like a lion]''
:'''Timon &amp; Pumbaa:''' Ta-da!
:'''Timon:''' Do you see any cheetahs here, Pumbaa?
:'''Pumbaa:''' Not me. All I see is a lion. And what a lion!
:'''Fuli:''' I look ridiculous!
:'''Timon:''' Shh... You're spoiling the illusion. ''[Begins feeling her fur]'' Ooh. Ooh.
:'''Fuli:''' What are you doing?
:'''Timon:''' Sorry. Even as a lion, your fur is still so soft...
:'''Fuli:''' ''[Disgusted]'' Ugh! This costume is so weird!
:'''Beshte:''' Come on, Fuli. You look just like the rest of us.
:'''Fuli:''' Why doesn't that make me feel better?
:'''Kion:''' You know what? You all look terrific. Good work, Makini. I know you're all gonna do great at the Ukumbusho tonight.
:'''Makini:''' Oh, it's almost sunset. And I still have to paint the elephants! ''[Rushes off with her yellow paint]''
*'''Fuli:''' Vuruga Vuruga! Buffalo! You need to get out of here! Right now!
:'''Vuruga Vuruga:''' Leave? This is one of the few grazing grounds left. Who do you think you are? Telling us what to do!
:'''Fuli:''' It's me, Fuli. From the Lion Guard. The costume. Of course. Ugh. I knew I looked ridiculous. Long story. Elephants are coming fast. You gotta move.
:'''Vuruga Vuruga:''' And why should we listen to you, weird looking cheetah-lion thing that we've never seen before?
:'''Fuli:''' I don't have time for this! Hmm... ''[Gruffly]'' Because I am something you've never seen before. I only come out on the full moon to eat buffalo!
:'''Buffalo:''' ''[Snorts]''
:'''Fuli:''' If I were you, I'd run. Now! ''[Growls]''
:''[The buffalo all rush off]''
:'''Fuli:''' Maybe looking ridiculous isn't so bad after all.
*'''Kion:''' Greetings, wise elephants! My name is Askari. I am first leader of the Pride Lands Lion Guard. You have nothing to fear from us.
:'''Ma Tembo:''' And you, wise lions, have nothing to fear from us.

====The Bite of Kenge====
====Timon and Pumbaa's Christmas====
====The Morning Report====
====The Golden Zebra====
====The Little Guy====
====Divide and Conquer====
====The Scorpion's Sting====
*'''Scar:''' Friends. Today, we will end Simba's reign, and destroy the Lion Guard.
:'''Janja:''' Great!
:'''Kiburi:''' Finally.
:'''Reirei:''' Yeah!
:'''Mzingo:''' Capital.
:'''Scar:''' Tell your followers to be ready.
:'''Janja:''' Uh, Scar? Just one question. How do you... We plan on takin' down Simba and the Lion Guard in the same day?
:'''Reirei:''' For once, I gotta agree with the hyena. It ain't gonna be easy.
:'''Scar:''' Yes, I know. Which is precisely why I have brought in some help. And here it comes now.
:''[A black scorpion named Sumu crawls into the area]''
:'''Janja:''' ''[Terrified]'' Scorpion! ''[Clambers on top of Reirei and Kiburi]'' Look out! Comin' through!
:'''Kiburi:''' Watch it!
:'''Scar:''' ''[Sighs]'' He's not going to sting you, Janja.
:'''Ushari:''' Yesss. Sumu's venom is reserved for a more Royal target.
:'''Scar:''' You know what to do, Sumu.
:'''Sumu:''' And do it, I will. ''[Slams his stinger on the ground]''
:''[Sumu leaves]''
:'''Janja:''' Is he gone yet?
:'''Kiburi:''' Yeah. Now get down.
====The Wisdom of Kongwe====
====The Kilio Valley Fire====
====Undercover Kinyonga====
====Cave of Secrets====
====The Zebra Mastermind====
====The Hyena Resistance====
====The Underground Adventure====
*'''Beshte:''' Maybe you should try the warm mud pots at the edge of the Pride Lands. Us hippos love 'em when the weather's too dry.
:'''Ono:''' Mud can be very moisturizing.
:'''Zuri:''' That's perfect. We'll go to the mud pots.
:'''Tiifu:''' You have to come, too, Kiara. We never see you anymore.
:'''Zuri:''' Yeah. You're always so busy with boring Royal Family stuff.
:'''Nala:''' &quot;Boring Royal Family stuff&quot;?
:'''Kiara:''' Like helping the Pride Landers deal with the threat of Scar?
:'''Tiifu:''' Exactly.
:'''Zuri:''' And it'd be good for you, Kiara. I didn't want to say it, but you're looking a little frizzy yourself.
:'''Kiara:''' Mom?
:'''Nala:''' The edge of the Pride Lands isn't as safe as it used to be. But if you had an escort from the Lion Guard...
:'''Bunga:''' I'd be happy to take Kiara to the mud pots. No one'll keep her safer than me.
:'''Nala:''' I was thinking more about Kion.
:'''Bunga:''' Kion can come too. That'll make it more fun.
:'''Kion:''' We wouldn't be going to have fun, Bunga. But you'd definitely be safer with two Lion Guard members. I'll go.
:'''Kiara:''' Thanks, Kion.
:'''Tiifu &amp; Zuri:''' ''#Girls' day away! Girls' day away!#''
:'''Kion:''' Fuli, Beshte, Ono, keep up the daily patrol. Looks like Bunga and I are going on a Girls' day away.
:'''Fuli:''' Better you than me.
*'''Ono:''' Kion! Bunga! There you are! We just put out the fire by the mud pots.
:'''Beshte:''' We were so worried when we didn't see you guys. Are you okay?
:'''Kion:''' We're fine.
:'''Fuli:''' But the fire was huge. How did you get away?
:'''Kion:''' It's kind of a long story.
:'''Bunga:''' Yeah. With a mole, an aardvark and a zebra in it.
:'''Fuli:''' You mean that zebra?
:'''Thurston:''' ''[Investigating a cave]'' Ooh. I wonder what's in here? ''[Enters the cave]'' Help! Help! It's dark and I'm trapped!
:'''Tiifu:''' It's okay. I've got this. ''[Enters the cave]'' Don't panic, zebra. Your best friend's coming to get you. There's nothing to fear down here.

====Beshte and the Beast====
====Pride Landers Unite!====
====The Queen's Visit====
====The Fall of Mizimu Grove====
====Fire from the Sky====

===Season 3===
==Voice Cast==
===Main===
* [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Max%20Charles Max Charles] as Kion
* [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joshua%20Rush Joshua Rush] as Bunga
* [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diamond_White_(singer) Diamond White] as Fuli
* Dusan Brown as Beshte
* [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Atticus%20Shaffer Atticus Shaffer] as Ono
* [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bryana%20Salaz Bryana Salaz] as Anga
===Recurring===
* [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rob%20Lowe Rob Lowe] as Simba
* [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gabrielle_Union Gabrielle Union] as Nala
* [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eden_Riegel Eden Riegel] as Kiara
* [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gary%20Anthony%20Williams Gary Anthony Williams] as Mufasa
* Jeff Bennett as Zazu
* Khary Payton as Rafiki
* Kevin Schon as Timon, Thurston and Chungu
* Ernie Sabella as Pumbaa
* David Oyelowo as Scar
* Jason Marsden as Kovu
* Lacey Chabert as Vitani
* Andy Dick as Nuka
* Nika Futterman as Zira
* Sarah Hyland as Tiifu (Season 1)
* Bailey Gambertoglio as Tiifu (Season 2)
* Madison Pettis as Zuri
* Landry Bender as Makini
* Maia Mitchell as Jasiri
* Kevin Michael Richardson as Basi
* Lynette DuPree as Ma Tembo
* Michael Dorn as Bupu
* Gerald C. Rivers as Pua
* Blair Underwood as Makuu
* C.J. Byrnes as Tamaa
* John O'Hurley as Hadithi
* Renee Elise Goldsberry as Dhahabu
* Justin Hires as Hodari
* Behzad Dabu as Azaad
* Fiona Riley as Binga
* Peyton Elizabeth Lee as Rani
* Hudson Yang as Baliyo
* Lou Diamond Philips as Surak
* Miki Yamashita as Nirmala
* Vyvan Pham as Ullu
* Shoreh Aghdashloo as Janna
* Andrew Kishino as Janja and Ora
* Christopher Jackson as Shujaa
* Vargus Mason as Cheezi
* Johnny Rees as Mzingo
* Cam Clarke as Mwoga
* Christian Slater as Ushari
* Ana Gasteyer as Reirei
* Phil Lamarr as Goigoi
* Common as Kiburi
* Meghan Strange as Shupavu and Kinyonga
* Steve Blum as Makucha
* Kimiko Glenn as Chuluun
* Rachel House as Mama Binturong</text>
      <sha1>2heiweqhr64g6jl3csepahl4jh5xp5x</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
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      <parentid>3153672</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T20:57:14Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
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      <text bytes="24331" xml:space="preserve">{{tv-cleanup|2022-07-19}}
'''''The Lion Guard''''' (2015-2019) is an American animated television series which premiered on Disney Junior in 2015. It is a spin-off of [[the Lion King]].
==Main Characters==
===Kion===
* Hevi Kabisa! ''(Meaning: Totally intense!)''
===Bunga===
* Zuka Zama! ''(Meaning: Pop up, dive in!)''
* Un-bunga-lievable!
===Fuli===
* Huwezi! ''(Meaning: Can't catch me!)''
===Beshte===
* Twende Kiboko! ''(Meaning: Let's go hippo!)''
* What's the kerbubble?
* Poa! ''(Meaning: Cool!)''
===Ono===
* Hapana! ''(Meaning: Oh no!)''
* Common knowledge, really.
===Anga===
* Anga lenga! ''(Meaning: Aim for the sky!)''
* Yep.
==Dialogue==
===Season 1===
====Return of the Roar====
*''[First Lines]''
:'''Simba:''' Everything the light touches is part of our kingdom. The Pride Lands. Ruling it is a big responsibility, Kiara. And someday, when you're queen...
:'''Kion:''' Heads up! Incoming!
:''[Simba gets hit in the head by a baobab fruit]''
:'''Simba:''' ''[Grunts in annoyance]''
:'''Kiara:''' Kion!
:'''Kion:''' Oh! ''[Chuckles]'' Sorry, Dad. Me and Bunga were playing Baobab Ball...
:'''Bunga:''' And Kion couldn't handle the pass!
:'''Kion:''' What? A giraffe couldn't handle it. You kicked it over my head!
:'''Simba:''' Kion!
:'''Bunga:''' And you couldn't handle it!
:'''Simba:''' Bunga...
:'''Kion:''' Yeah? Try to handle this!
:''[Kion and Bunga fight over the baobab ball]''
:'''Kiara:''' ''[Sighs]''
:'''Simba:''' Boys!
:''[Kion lets go of the ball, sending Bunga flying backwards]''
:'''Bunga:''' Woah!
:'''Simba:''' Kion, I need to talk to your sister. She'll be tracking gazelles with her friends today.
:'''Kiara:''' Because I'm training to be..
:'''Kion:''' Queen of the Pride Lands. Yeah, yeah. I know all about it, Kiara.
:'''Kiara:''' At least I have my life figured out. What are you gonna grow up to be, little brother?
:'''Kion:''' Happy?
:'''Simba:''' ''[Pushes Kion aside]'' All right you two, that's enough. Kion, why don't you and Bunga go play somewhere else?
:'''Bunga:''' Yeah! I know the perfect place! ''[Holds up the baobab ball]'' Hey, Kion! ''[Sing-song voice]'' You'll never get the baobab fruit, no.
:'''Kion:''' Ha! You got nowhere to go, Bunga!
:'''Bunga:''' Says you. Zuka zama! ''[Jumps off Pride Rock]''
:''[Bunga laughs as he lands in a tree]''
:'''Bunga:''' ''[Lands safely on solid ground]'' Catch me if you can, Kion! ''[Catches the baobab ball]''
:'''Kion:''' Game on, Bunga! Later, Dad. Have fun tracking those gazelle, Kiara. I gotta get Bunga! ''[Goes after Bunga]''
:'''Kiara:''' ''[Sighs]'' I can't believe we're related.
:'''Simba:''' Kion will grow up someday. I hope.

*'''Janja:''' ''[Chewing on a bone]'' Oh! 'Fraid there's no meat left for you, boys.
:'''Cheezi:''' ''[Notices Kion and Bunga's baobab ball]'' Janja! Janja! A baobab fruit!
:'''Chungu:''' Let's eat it! I'm starvelated!
:'''Janja:''' What do you take me for, a vegetarian? I want something nice and meaty for lunch! Something... ''[Tries to eat a butterfly]'' Huh? Where'd it go?
:''[The other hyenas laugh at Janja due to the butterfly being on his head]''
:'''Janja:''' What? What's so funny?
:''[The hyenas continue laughing]''
:'''Janja:''' What are you laughing at? Tell me! ''[Jumps down to the other hyenas]'' Stop it, furbrains! Look. A honey badger. ''[Slurps]'' Now that's my idea of a delightful lunch! ''[Knocks his bone away]''
:''[Nne and Tano rush towards the bone]''
:'''Janja:''' Chungu! Cheezi! Bring him to me!

*'''Simba:''' Son, we need to talk.
:'''Kion:''' Oh no. Dad, we already had that talk. ''#Can you feel the love tonight?#'' I know all about that mushy stuff.

*'''Rafiki:''' See, Simba? You see? He is ready! It is time!
:'''Nala:''' ''[Looks at Simba]'' Simba?
:'''Simba:''' Yes. Kion is ready. It is time. Time for the Lion Guard.

====Never Judge a Hyena By Its Spots====
*'''Jasiri:''' Surprise!
:'''Kion:''' ''[Gasps]''
:'''Jasiri:''' ''[Laughs]'' Didn't know I was up here, did ya?
:'''Kion:''' No, I... I knew you were there the whole time, hyena.
:'''Jasiri:''' Yep, I'm a hyena, alright. You lions are so clever. ''[Laughs]'' Especially you, Kion. Leader of the Lion Guard.
:'''Kion:''' You know me?
:'''Jasiri:''' Just by reputation. The mark on your shoulder's a giveaway, though. ''[Laughs]''
:'''Kion:''' So, you're not in Janja's clan?
:'''Jasiri:''' Janja? Yeah, that's a good one. What are you doing in the Outlands? Not exactly your territory.
:'''Kion:''' I'm going to Flat Ridge Rock, so I can get back to the Pride Lands. If that's okay with you, hyena.
:'''Jasiri:''' The name's Jasiri. And if you are headed back to the Pride Lands, you're going the wrong way.
:'''Kion:''' Uh-huh. And I should trust a hyena because...
:'''Jasiri:''' Because I want you out of my territory.
:'''Kion:''' Good. I want out of your territory. ''[Scoffs]''
:''[As Kion leaves, Jasiri begins to follow him]''
:'''Jasiri:''' Then you're going the wrong way!

*'''Jasiri:''' Janja!
:'''Janja:''' Well, well. If it isn't Jasiri. Thought I told you to stay off our turf!
:'''Jasiri:''' Just passing through. So move. Or do I have to move you myself?
:''[Cheezi and Chungu stand next to Janja]''
:'''Janja:''' Big talk, coming from someone who's all alone!
:'''Jasiri:''' Okay, I'll take another path.
:''[More hyenas surround Jasiri]''
:'''Jasiri:''' So, you figured out that only three of you didn't stand a chance against me.
:''[The hyenas back Jasiri into a corner]''
:'''Janja:''' C'mon, boys. Let's remind Jasiri what happens to someone who wanders into our part of the Outlands!

*'''Jasiri:''' Well, I better get back to my territory. I'm sure your roar doesn't scare off Janja forever.
:'''Kion:''' ''[Chuckles]'' If only.
:'''Jasiri:''' ''[Laughs]'' Bye, Kion. It's been fun.
:'''Kion:''' Bye, Jasiri. Maybe I'll see you again sometime?
:'''Jasiri:''' Not if I see you first. ''[Laughs]''

====The Rise of Makuu====
*'''Pua:''' Basi! It's been many weeks. How are the fish today?
:'''Basi:''' More than last time, Pua, but not enough for your float of crocs. Swing by next week?
:'''Pua:''' If that's how it must be. ''[Addresses his float]'' Move on, my friends. We'll eat somewhere else today.
:'''Makuu:''' Wait! ''[Approaches Pua]'' Pua, you said we were going to eat fish.
:'''Pua:''' Makuu, there aren't enough fish yet. You heard Basi.
:'''Makuu:''' ''[Rolls his eyes]'' I heard him. But why should we crocodiles listen to a hippo?
:'''Pua:''' I've told you before, Makuu. It's the Circle of Life.
:'''Makuu:''' So you say. ''[Strides around Pua]'' But I think you listen to the hippos because you're weak. ''[Faces Pua]'' You're afraid of them! ''[Thumps his chest]'' But I'm not afraid of anyone. And that's why I call for a mashindano!
:'''Beshte:''' Dad, what's a mashindano?
:'''Basi:''' The mashindano is a physical challenge. It's how the crocodiles determine their leader.
:'''Kion:''' ''[Concerned]'' Hevi kabisa.
:'''Pua:''' A mashindano?
:'''Makuu:''' You heard me! Accept or surrender your leadership. Immediately!
:'''Pua:''' I accept your challenge, Makuu. ''[Faces his float]'' In accordance to tradition, the mashindano will take place near Lake Matope at sunset.

====Bunga the Wise====
*'''Bunga:''' That spot with the flowers, it looks like the perfect place to bask in the sun.
:'''Rafiki:''' I would not lie there, if I were you.
:'''Bunga:''' Pfft. Come on, Rafiki. I can tell the best spots to bask. I'm the smartest animal around. You said so yourself.
:'''Rafiki:''' You did not hear everything I said. Honey badgers are only smartest when they think things through.
:'''Bunga:''' ''[Leaps into the air]'' Think things through? ''[Lands in the flowers which are growing in mud]'' Uh. Guess I'm not so wise after all. ''[Lounges in the mud]'' Oh well. I can live with that.

====Can't Wait to be Queen====

====Eye of the Beholder====

====The Kupatana Celebration====

====Fuli's New Family====

====The Search for Utamu====
*'''Beshte:''' So, Little B, what's so special about these... Utami grubs, anyway?
:'''Bunga:''' Well, Utamu brought me together with my uncle Timon and uncle Pumbaa.
:'''Kion:''' Really? I never knew that.
:'''Bunga:''' You mean I never told you?
:'''Beshte:''' I always wondered. How did you end up staying with Timon and Pumbaa?
:'''Bunga:''' Glad you asked. It was a while ago, when I was really little.
:''[Flashback to when Bunga was much younger and eating out of a log]''
:'''Bunga:''' ''[Narrating]'' I never met my real mom and dad. Back then, I was all on my own. I could find my own food easy enough, but I was lonely. And then, I saw them. Right as they walked past Mapema Rock.
:''[Timon and Pumbaa approach Mapema Rock]''
:'''Timon &amp; Pumbaa:''' ''#Utamu! Utamu!#''
:'''Pumbaa:''' ''#Good for you and yummy too!#''
:'''Timon:''' ''#Goes right down like squishy goo!#''
:'''Timon &amp; Pumbaa:''' ''#Utamu! Utamu!#''
:'''Pumbaa:''' ''#When only the best will do, it's the grub for you! Utamu!#''
:'''Timon:''' ''#It's got a taste, rich and bold your mouth will be amazed!#''
:'''Pumbaa:''' ''#It's a kind of taste you won't forget the rest of your days!#''
:'''Timon &amp; Pumbaa:''' ''#Utamu! Utamu!#''
:'''Pumbaa:''' ''#Good for you and yummy too!#''
:'''Timon:''' ''#Goes right down like squishy goo!#''
:'''Timon &amp; Pumbaa:''' ''#Utamu! Utamu! When only the best will do, it's the grub for you! Utamu!#''
:'''Timon:''' Come on, Pumbaa. The Utamu grubs only come out once a year. And this year, we're gonna get 'em.
:'''Pumbaa:''' Oh, that's what you say every year, Timon. And then, halfway up that big tree, you decide to wait till next year.
:'''Bunga:''' ''[Narrating]'' They seemed friendly. Funny. And a little stinky. Just like me! I knew we'd get along!
:''[Baby Bunga runs up to Timon and Pumbaa]''
:'''Pumbaa:''' Huh?
:'''Timon:''' Beat it, kid. Me and Pumbaa have grubs to find.
:'''Baby Bunga:''' Grubs! Grubs!
:'''Pumbaa:''' Oh, Timon! I think he likes you!
:'''Timon:''' Okay, kid. See that big rock? I betcha there's plenty of grubs under it. You go get 'em!
:'''Baby Bunga:''' Zuka zama! ''[Rushes off to get the grubs]''
:'''Timon:''' Pumbaa, now! Before he comes back.
:'''Pumbaa:''' Oh, all right.
:''[Baby Bunga brings the grubs to Timon and Pumbaa]''
:'''Baby Bunga:''' Grubs! Grubs!
:'''Timon:''' Oh. Eh... Thanks, kid. ''[Tosses a grub to Pumbaa]''
:'''Pumbaa:''' Mmm. Aw, look at him. He's such a cute little thing. Can we keep him?
:'''Timon:''' Keep him? No. No more kids. We already raised a lion, remember? Besides, he's a honey badger. He can fend for himself! So long, kid. Thanks for the grub!
:''[Baby Bunga hugs Timon]''
:'''Pumbaa:''' Oh, I think he wants to be with us, too!
:'''Timon:''' We'll see about that.
:'''Bunga:''' ''[Narrating]'' Then Timon asked me to find the rarest, most delicious grubs in the Pride Lands. Utamu!
:'''Baby Bunga:''' Zuka zama! ''[Climbs up a tree]''
:'''Timon:''' He's really doing it! I was sure he'd be too scared and just run away.
:'''Pumbaa:''' I don't think he's afraid of anything, Timon.
:'''Timon:''' Yeah. The kid's loopier than a snake squeezin' his supper.
:'''Pumbaa:''' Or as they say in the Serengeti, he's bunga!
:''[Baby Bunga hops down from the tree]''
:'''Baby Bunga:''' Bunga, Bunga, Bunga!
:'''Timon:''' Would ya look at that. He got 'em! He got the utamu.
:'''Pumbaa:''' Now can we keep him, Timon?
:'''Timon:''' Can we? The little Bunga got us the most delicious grubs in the Pride Lands! How can we not? C'mon, Bunga! From now on, you're with us! Mmm!
:''[Cut to the present where Bunga is talking to his friends]''
:'''Bunga:''' So now, at the peak of every rainy season, we celebrate. I always bring the utamu. My uncles love 'em! And I don't want to let them down.
:'''Beshte:''' Aw, Little B. ''[Sniffles]'' That was beautiful!
:'''Kion:''' Don't worry, Bunga. We'll help you get that Utamu. Right, guys?
:'''Ono:''' Yes. But, uh, the dung beetles aren't going to help. They're gone.
:'''Bunga:''' ''[Looks down]'' Say what?
:'''Beshte:''' So how are we going to find the Utamu now?
:'''Bunga:''' Hmm... ''[Notices the tree]'' I see the tree! Zuka zama! Come on!
:'''Beshte:''' Too bad Fuli didn't get to hear Bunga's story.
:'''Kion:''' Yeah. But it's good that she's getting some rest.

====Follow That Hippo!====

====The Call of the Drongo====

====Paintings and Predictions====

====The Mbali Fields Migration====

====Bunga and the King====

====The Imaginary Okapi====

====Too Many Termites====

====The Trouble with Galagos====

====Janja's New Crew====

====Baboons!====

====Beware the Zimwi====

====Lions of the Outlands====
*'''Kion:''' Lions are pretty reasonable. Once we get to the watering hole, I'm sure we can work thing-
:''[Nuka tackles Jasiri]''
:'''Nuka:''' We told you to stay out of here, hyena!
:'''Kion:''' Hey! ''[Tackles Nuka]'' Back off!
:'''Nuka:''' Who are you?
:'''Kion:''' Name's Kion! Who are you?
:'''Kovu:''' Nuka! Hey, Nuka!
:'''Nuka:''' Kovu! Tell him to let me up!
:'''Kion:''' A friend of yours?
:'''Kovu:''' ''[Sighs]'' He's my brother.
:'''Nuka:''' That's right! So you'd better let me up! It's two against one now!
:'''Jasiri:''' It's two against two.
:'''Nuka:''' It should be three against one. What kind of lion are you? Siding with a hyena.

====Never Roar Again====

====The Lost Gorillas====

====The Trail to Udugu====

====Ono's Idol====
*'''Ono:''' Isn't he (Hadithi) amazing?
:'''Kion:''' Oh, yeah!
:'''Bunga:''' Hey, Ono. Let's ask him about his spin thingie. ''[Walks up to Hadithi]'' Yo, Hadithi!
:'''Ono:''' Bunga! You can't just talk to Hadithi. He's the Raven Rescuer from Red Rocks. The Starling Savior at Summer Springs.
:'''Hadithi:''' Don't forget the Guardian of the Great Egret Escape.
:'''Ono:''' Oh, I would never... ''[Gasps]'' Uh, Bunga, is Hadithi actually talking to me?
:'''Hadithi:''' Indeed I am, young egret. You seem to know a lot about me.
:'''Ono:''' Oh, I do. Hadithi, sir. ''[Clears throat]'' In fact, I would have to say I'm your... biggest fan?
:'''Hadithi:''' My biggest fan? ''[Chuckles]'' Are you sure, young egret? As you can see, I have many.
*'''Hadithi:''' I was supposed to pass my wisdom on to you. But instead, you passed some wisdom onto me. You know why, kid? 'Cause you're a natural. A natural hero.
:'''Ono:''' ''[Smiles at Hadithi]''
:''[The animals of the Pride Lands cheer]''
:'''Bunga:''' Way to go, Ono!
:'''Hadithi:''' Animals of the Pride Lands, I give you Ono the egret, creator of the Ono Spin.

====Beshte and the Hippo Lanes====
*'''Basi:''' Making the Hippo Lanes after a big rainstorm has been a hippo tradition for a long time.
:'''Beshte:''' It sure would be easy to get lost in all these reeds.
:'''Basi:''' Exactly. Flattening all these overgrown plants helps everyone else cross the flood plains safely. So I try to make them straight and true.
:'''Beshte:''' And that's what they are. Straight and true.
:'''Basi:''' I do my best. And some day, ''you'll'' be the one making the Hippo Lanes.

====Ono the Tickbird====

===Season 2===
====Babysitter Bunga====
====The Savannah Summit====
====The Travelling Baboon Show====
====Ono and the Egg====
====The Rise of Scar====
*'''Janja:''' Are you...?
:'''Scar:''' Yes... I am... Scar.

====Let Sleeping Crocs Lie====
====Swept Away====
====Rafiki's New Neighbors====
====Rescue in the Outlands====
*'''Ushari:''' Should I even ask how the meeting with the jackals went?
:'''Janja:''' We didn't find 'em, OK?
:'''Cheezi:''' Yeah. We found Jasiri instead.
:'''Chungu:''' She's the one who sent us back here!
:'''Ushari:''' I'm sorry, did you say one hyena defeated all three of you?
:'''Janja:''' Hey, Jasiri's no ordinary hyena. She's fearless or something.
:''[Scar appears]''
:'''Scar:''' A fearless hyena? Perhaps, she should be part of our collective.
:'''Janja:''' What? No. No way. Jasiri's bad news. She's even friends with the Lion Guard!
:'''Scar:''' Friends with the Lion Guard?
:'''Janja:''' Oh, yeah. She even respects the circle of life like they do. Trust me, Scar, Jasiri's the worst!
====The Ukumbusho Tradition====
*'''Bunga:''' What do the elephants call this ceremony again? Kuba... Kubamusho?
:'''Kion:''' Ukumbusho. It's a performance that celebrates the friendship between the elephants and the lions of the Pride Lands.
*''[Makini has just finished painting Bunga, Ono and Beshte to look like lions]''
:'''Makini:''' So, Kion? Do they look like lions to you?
:'''Kion:''' Uhh...
:'''Bunga:''' Yeah, come on, Kion! Do we look great? Or ''really'' great?
:'''Kion:''' I've definitely never seen anything like it.
:'''Bunga:''' That's what I thought. I look un-bunga-lievable!
:'''Ono:''' That's one way of putting it.
:'''Timon:''' Prepare yourselves for the piece de resistance!
:''[Timon and Pumbaa reveal Fuli also painted to look like a lion]''
:'''Timon &amp; Pumbaa:''' Ta-da!
:'''Timon:''' Do you see any cheetahs here, Pumbaa?
:'''Pumbaa:''' Not me. All I see is a lion. And what a lion!
:'''Fuli:''' I look ridiculous!
:'''Timon:''' Shh... You're spoiling the illusion. ''[Begins feeling her fur]'' Ooh. Ooh.
:'''Fuli:''' What are you doing?
:'''Timon:''' Sorry. Even as a lion, your fur is still so soft...
:'''Fuli:''' ''[Disgusted]'' Ugh! This costume is so weird!
:'''Beshte:''' Come on, Fuli. You look just like the rest of us.
:'''Fuli:''' Why doesn't that make me feel better?
:'''Kion:''' You know what? You all look terrific. Good work, Makini. I know you're all gonna do great at the Ukumbusho tonight.
:'''Makini:''' Oh, it's almost sunset. And I still have to paint the elephants! ''[Rushes off with her yellow paint]''
*'''Fuli:''' Vuruga Vuruga! Buffalo! You need to get out of here! Right now!
:'''Vuruga Vuruga:''' Leave? This is one of the few grazing grounds left. Who do you think you are? Telling us what to do!
:'''Fuli:''' It's me, Fuli. From the Lion Guard. The costume. Of course. Ugh. I knew I looked ridiculous. Long story. Elephants are coming fast. You gotta move.
:'''Vuruga Vuruga:''' And why should we listen to you, weird looking cheetah-lion thing that we've never seen before?
:'''Fuli:''' I don't have time for this! Hmm... ''[Gruffly]'' Because I am something you've never seen before. I only come out on the full moon to eat buffalo!
:'''Buffalo:''' ''[Snorts]''
:'''Fuli:''' If I were you, I'd run. Now! ''[Growls]''
:''[The buffalo all rush off]''
:'''Fuli:''' Maybe looking ridiculous isn't so bad after all.
*'''Kion:''' Greetings, wise elephants! My name is Askari. I am first leader of the Pride Lands Lion Guard. You have nothing to fear from us.
:'''Ma Tembo:''' And you, wise lions, have nothing to fear from us.

====The Bite of Kenge====
====Timon and Pumbaa's Christmas====
====The Morning Report====
====The Golden Zebra====
====The Little Guy====
====Divide and Conquer====
====The Scorpion's Sting====
*'''Scar:''' Friends. Today, we will end Simba's reign, and destroy the Lion Guard.
:'''Janja:''' Great!
:'''Kiburi:''' Finally.
:'''Reirei:''' Yeah!
:'''Mzingo:''' Capital.
:'''Scar:''' Tell your followers to be ready.
:'''Janja:''' Uh, Scar? Just one question. How do you... We plan on takin' down Simba and the Lion Guard in the same day?
:'''Reirei:''' For once, I gotta agree with the hyena. It ain't gonna be easy.
:'''Scar:''' Yes, I know. Which is precisely why I have brought in some help. And here it comes now.
:''[A black scorpion named Sumu crawls into the area]''
:'''Janja:''' ''[Terrified]'' Scorpion! ''[Clambers on top of Reirei and Kiburi]'' Look out! Comin' through!
:'''Kiburi:''' Watch it!
:'''Scar:''' ''[Sighs]'' He's not going to sting you, Janja.
:'''Ushari:''' Yesss. Sumu's venom is reserved for a more Royal target.
:'''Scar:''' You know what to do, Sumu.
:'''Sumu:''' And do it, I will. ''[Slams his stinger on the ground]''
:''[Sumu leaves]''
:'''Janja:''' Is he gone yet?
:'''Kiburi:''' Yeah. Now get down.
====The Wisdom of Kongwe====
====The Kilio Valley Fire====
====Undercover Kinyonga====
====Cave of Secrets====
====The Zebra Mastermind====
====The Hyena Resistance====
====The Underground Adventure====
*'''Beshte:''' Maybe you should try the warm mud pots at the edge of the Pride Lands. Us hippos love 'em when the weather's too dry.
:'''Ono:''' Mud can be very moisturizing.
:'''Zuri:''' That's perfect. We'll go to the mud pots.
:'''Tiifu:''' You have to come, too, Kiara. We never see you anymore.
:'''Zuri:''' Yeah. You're always so busy with boring Royal Family stuff.
:'''Nala:''' &quot;Boring Royal Family stuff&quot;?
:'''Kiara:''' Like helping the Pride Landers deal with the threat of Scar?
:'''Tiifu:''' Exactly.
:'''Zuri:''' And it'd be good for you, Kiara. I didn't want to say it, but you're looking a little frizzy yourself.
:'''Kiara:''' Mom?
:'''Nala:''' The edge of the Pride Lands isn't as safe as it used to be. But if you had an escort from the Lion Guard...
:'''Bunga:''' I'd be happy to take Kiara to the mud pots. No one'll keep her safer than me.
:'''Nala:''' I was thinking more about Kion.
:'''Bunga:''' Kion can come too. That'll make it more fun.
:'''Kion:''' We wouldn't be going to have fun, Bunga. But you'd definitely be safer with two Lion Guard members. I'll go.
:'''Kiara:''' Thanks, Kion.
:'''Tiifu &amp; Zuri:''' ''#Girls' day away! Girls' day away!#''
:'''Kion:''' Fuli, Beshte, Ono, keep up the daily patrol. Looks like Bunga and I are going on a Girls' day away.
:'''Fuli:''' Better you than me.
*'''Ono:''' Kion! Bunga! There you are! We just put out the fire by the mud pots.
:'''Beshte:''' We were so worried when we didn't see you guys. Are you okay?
:'''Kion:''' We're fine.
:'''Fuli:''' But the fire was huge. How did you get away?
:'''Kion:''' It's kind of a long story.
:'''Bunga:''' Yeah. With a mole, an aardvark and a zebra in it.
:'''Fuli:''' You mean that zebra?
:'''Thurston:''' ''[Investigating a cave]'' Ooh. I wonder what's in here? ''[Enters the cave]'' Help! Help! It's dark and I'm trapped!
:'''Tiifu:''' It's okay. I've got this. ''[Enters the cave]'' Don't panic, zebra. Your best friend's coming to get you. There's nothing to fear down here.

====Beshte and the Beast====
====Pride Landers Unite!====
====The Queen's Visit====
====The Fall of Mizimu Grove====
====Fire from the Sky====

===Season 3===
==Voice Cast==
===Main===
* [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Max%20Charles Max Charles] as Kion
* [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joshua%20Rush Joshua Rush] as Bunga
* [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diamond_White_(singer) Diamond White] as Fuli
* Dusan Brown as Beshte
* [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Atticus%20Shaffer Atticus Shaffer] as Ono
* [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bryana%20Salaz Bryana Salaz] as Anga
===Recurring===
* [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rob%20Lowe Rob Lowe] as Simba
* [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gabrielle_Union Gabrielle Union] as Nala
* [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eden_Riegel Eden Riegel] as Kiara
* [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gary%20Anthony%20Williams Gary Anthony Williams] as Mufasa
* [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jeff_Bennett Jeff Bennett] as Zazu
* [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Khary_Payton Khary Payton] as Rafiki
* [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kevin_Schon Kevin Schon] as Timon, Thurston and Chungu
* [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ernie_Sabella Ernie Sabella] as Pumbaa
* [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Oyelowo David Oyelowo] as Scar
* Jason Marsden as Kovu
* Lacey Chabert as Vitani
* Andy Dick as Nuka
* Nika Futterman as Zira
* Sarah Hyland as Tiifu (Season 1)
* Bailey Gambertoglio as Tiifu (Season 2)
* Madison Pettis as Zuri
* Landry Bender as Makini
* Maia Mitchell as Jasiri
* Kevin Michael Richardson as Basi
* Lynette DuPree as Ma Tembo
* Michael Dorn as Bupu
* Gerald C. Rivers as Pua
* Blair Underwood as Makuu
* C.J. Byrnes as Tamaa
* John O'Hurley as Hadithi
* Renee Elise Goldsberry as Dhahabu
* Justin Hires as Hodari
* Behzad Dabu as Azaad
* Fiona Riley as Binga
* Peyton Elizabeth Lee as Rani
* Hudson Yang as Baliyo
* Lou Diamond Philips as Surak
* Miki Yamashita as Nirmala
* Vyvan Pham as Ullu
* Shoreh Aghdashloo as Janna
* Andrew Kishino as Janja and Ora
* Christopher Jackson as Shujaa
* Vargus Mason as Cheezi
* Johnny Rees as Mzingo
* Cam Clarke as Mwoga
* Christian Slater as Ushari
* Ana Gasteyer as Reirei
* Phil Lamarr as Goigoi
* Common as Kiburi
* Meghan Strange as Shupavu and Kinyonga
* Steve Blum as Makucha
* Kimiko Glenn as Chuluun
* Rachel House as Mama Binturong</text>
      <sha1>8fgoe2sqsfh0nf80ox38a9p1xwy1xs5</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Hang on/notice2</title>
    <ns>4</ns>
    <id>249820</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153560</id>
      <parentid>3153049</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T14:16:59Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Rubbish computer</username>
        <id>1947194</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Template:Hang on/notice2 */ : delete</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1029" xml:space="preserve">{{#ifeq:{{NAMESPACE}}|Wikiquote| |{{error:not substituted|vfd-new2}}&lt;div style=&quot;display:none;&quot;&gt;}}
== [[:Template:Hang on/notice2]] ==

A single subpage of the &quot;hang on&quot; template from the English Wikipedia. This makes no sense here, the hang on template isn't used to contest speedy deletions on this project, the instructions make no sense (what button is there to click in the Wikiquote speedy deletion template) and I don't see why only one subpage was imported. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 11:35, 31 July 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 12:00, 7 August 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Delete''', per nom. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:06, 1 August 2022 (UTC)
*'''Delete'''. This is useless, no context. ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] ([[User talk:Ningauble|talk]]) 23:38, 9 August 2022 (UTC)
*'''Delete''' per nom. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 14:16, 11 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>halshs7z30k91xyrcgkonndmjcpillv</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Category:Suspected sockpuppets</title>
    <ns>4</ns>
    <id>249821</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153528</id>
      <parentid>3153050</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T13:33:44Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>1234qwer1234qwer4</username>
        <id>1270912</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Category:Suspected sockpuppets */ reply: '''Delete''' (or redirect) as redundant. (-) ([[c:Special:MyLanguage/User:JWBTH/CD|CD]])</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1444" xml:space="preserve">{{#ifeq:{{NAMESPACE}}|Wikiquote| |{{error:not substituted|vfd-new2}}&lt;div style=&quot;display:none;&quot;&gt;}}
== [[:Category:Suspected sockpuppets]] ==

Useless category. To start with we already have [[:Category:Suspected Wikiquote sockpuppets]] which is basically identical in scope. The instructions at the top of the category refer to a deleted template and don't make sense anymore. The already existing [[:Category:Suspected Wikiquote sockpuppets]] is full of accounts that have been blocked on the basis of behavioural evidence. This category is full of accounts that haven't edited in years that Ilovemydoodle has accused of being sockpuppets, often without any real evidence, then tagged with one of their templates saying that someone else needs to figure out if they're sockpuppets or not. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 11:39, 31 July 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 12:00, 7 August 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Delete''', per nom. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:06, 1 August 2022 (UTC)
*'''Delete''' per nom. ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] ([[User talk:Ningauble|talk]]) 23:41, 9 August 2022 (UTC)
* '''Delete''' (or redirect) as redundant. &lt;span style=&quot;display:inline-block;text-align:center;vertical-align:bottom;line-height:0.5em;&quot;&gt;~~&lt;nowiki/&gt;~~&lt;br/&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:0.7em;&quot;&gt;[[User:1234qwer1234qwer4]] ([[User talk:1234qwer1234qwer4|talk]])&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt; 13:33, 11 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>ge6yxr9tzbkehrduxb2wj5za95h6pah</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153561</id>
      <parentid>3153528</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T14:18:14Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Rubbish computer</username>
        <id>1947194</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Category:Suspected sockpuppets */ : delete</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1626" xml:space="preserve">{{#ifeq:{{NAMESPACE}}|Wikiquote| |{{error:not substituted|vfd-new2}}&lt;div style=&quot;display:none;&quot;&gt;}}
== [[:Category:Suspected sockpuppets]] ==

Useless category. To start with we already have [[:Category:Suspected Wikiquote sockpuppets]] which is basically identical in scope. The instructions at the top of the category refer to a deleted template and don't make sense anymore. The already existing [[:Category:Suspected Wikiquote sockpuppets]] is full of accounts that have been blocked on the basis of behavioural evidence. This category is full of accounts that haven't edited in years that Ilovemydoodle has accused of being sockpuppets, often without any real evidence, then tagged with one of their templates saying that someone else needs to figure out if they're sockpuppets or not. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 11:39, 31 July 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 12:00, 7 August 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Delete''', per nom. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:06, 1 August 2022 (UTC)
*'''Delete''' per nom. ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] ([[User talk:Ningauble|talk]]) 23:41, 9 August 2022 (UTC)
* '''Delete''' (or redirect) as redundant. &lt;span style=&quot;display:inline-block;text-align:center;vertical-align:bottom;line-height:0.5em;&quot;&gt;~~&lt;nowiki/&gt;~~&lt;br/&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:0.7em;&quot;&gt;[[User:1234qwer1234qwer4]] ([[User talk:1234qwer1234qwer4|talk]])&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt; 13:33, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
*'''Delete''' per nom. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 14:18, 11 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>c5e6s6lskp3lv37j0o6pgwq0n05jwmz</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Sockpuppet/categorise</title>
    <ns>4</ns>
    <id>249822</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153562</id>
      <parentid>3153051</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T14:18:51Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Rubbish computer</username>
        <id>1947194</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Template:Sockpuppet/categorise */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="861" xml:space="preserve">{{#ifeq:{{NAMESPACE}}|Wikiquote| |{{error:not substituted|vfd-new2}}&lt;div style=&quot;display:none;&quot;&gt;}}
== [[:Template:Sockpuppet/categorise]] ==

Template subpage copied from the English wikipedia which isn't used on this project. the Wikiquote implementation of {{tl|sockpuppet}} does not use this subpage. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 11:42, 31 July 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 12:00, 7 August 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Delete''', per nom. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:07, 1 August 2022 (UTC)
*'''Delete''' per nom, does not work. ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] ([[User talk:Ningauble|talk]]) 23:44, 9 August 2022 (UTC)
*'''Delete''' per nom. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 14:18, 11 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>oso2vyn4o2fn89ch998c8cb4tghdj9e</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Ping all administrators</title>
    <ns>4</ns>
    <id>249823</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153524</id>
      <parentid>3153054</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T13:28:55Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>1234qwer1234qwer4</username>
        <id>1270912</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Template:Ping all administrators */ reply ([[c:Special:MyLanguage/User:JWBTH/CD|CD]])</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1948" xml:space="preserve">{{#ifeq:{{NAMESPACE}}|Wikiquote| |{{error:not substituted|vfd-new2}}&lt;div style=&quot;display:none;&quot;&gt;}}
== [[:Template:Ping all administrators]] ==

I think it is worth having a discussion over whether this template should exist. On the one hand pinging all administrators is more justifiable than pinging all users, on the other hand this has the potential to become a massive nuisance.

Most of the places where this has been used are patently inappropriate, it's been added into random templates like {{tl|bansock}}, and used to ping administrators for things that are in no way a site ending emergency. In a lot of situations where it had been used it seems like it would have been more appropriate to use a centralised administrative noticeboard like [[WQ:AN]] or [[WQ:VIP]] - if a situation only needs 1 administrator to resolve pinging all of them is just going to result in 90% of the admins wasting their time. If this is going to be kept it should only be used very sparingly in situations where every administrator is legitimately needed. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 11:49, 31 July 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 12:00, 7 August 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Delete''', per nom. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:08, 1 August 2022 (UTC)
*'''Delete''' as unnecessary. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 19:09, 1 August 2022 (UTC)
*'''Delete'''. Just a nuisance. ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] ([[User talk:Ningauble|talk]]) 23:47, 9 August 2022 (UTC)
* '''Delete'''; just generating noisy notifications where noticeboards should be used instead. &lt;span style=&quot;display:inline-block;text-align:center;vertical-align:bottom;line-height:0.5em;&quot;&gt;~~&lt;nowiki/&gt;~~&lt;br/&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:0.7em;&quot;&gt;[[User:1234qwer1234qwer4]] ([[User talk:1234qwer1234qwer4|talk]])&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt; 13:28, 11 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>askz4hyatdu9o7dggs764fdj4rkwnd2</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Election results</title>
    <ns>4</ns>
    <id>249824</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153529</id>
      <parentid>3153055</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T13:37:09Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>1234qwer1234qwer4</username>
        <id>1270912</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Template:Election results */ reply: '''Delete''': Out of project scope. (-) ([[c:Special:MyLanguage/User:JWBTH/CD|CD]])</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1851" xml:space="preserve">{{#ifeq:{{NAMESPACE}}|Wikiquote| |{{error:not substituted|vfd-new2}}&lt;div style=&quot;display:none;&quot;&gt;}}
== [[:Template:Election results]] ==

This is for [[Template:Election results]], [[Module:Election results]], [[Module:Political party]] and [[Special:Prefixindex/Module:Political party|all the subpages]] of that module. It isn't at all clear to me why a compendium of quotations would need templates for creating election results tables. This seems out of project scope and better suited to wikipedia. This template is used in one place, a discussion on the village pump, where it was used to give a running tally of how people had &quot;voted&quot;. The table there is obnoxiously big and disruptive, unnecessary, and illustrates a complete lack of understanding of how consensus works (consensus != counting votes). Furthermore it is completely unnecessary to have a massive nest of complex modules, templates and lua data structures to produce a 1 off table with some fancy colouring, I propose removing the single use of this or replacing it with a plain table, and deleting this template. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 11:57, 31 July 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 12:00, 7 August 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Delete''', per nom. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:09, 1 August 2022 (UTC)
*'''Delete'''. &quot;...obnoxiously big and disruptive, unnecessary, and illustrates a complete lack of understanding of how consensus works...&quot;. ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] ([[User talk:Ningauble|talk]]) 23:50, 9 August 2022 (UTC)
* '''Delete''': Out of project scope. &lt;span style=&quot;display:inline-block;text-align:center;vertical-align:bottom;line-height:0.5em;&quot;&gt;~~&lt;nowiki/&gt;~~&lt;br/&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:0.7em;&quot;&gt;[[User:1234qwer1234qwer4]] ([[User talk:1234qwer1234qwer4|talk]])&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt; 13:37, 11 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>fe011bg1yf1ua17phof0stuhzipw00t</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153563</id>
      <parentid>3153529</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T14:19:55Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Rubbish computer</username>
        <id>1947194</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Template:Election results */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="2033" xml:space="preserve">{{#ifeq:{{NAMESPACE}}|Wikiquote| |{{error:not substituted|vfd-new2}}&lt;div style=&quot;display:none;&quot;&gt;}}
== [[:Template:Election results]] ==

This is for [[Template:Election results]], [[Module:Election results]], [[Module:Political party]] and [[Special:Prefixindex/Module:Political party|all the subpages]] of that module. It isn't at all clear to me why a compendium of quotations would need templates for creating election results tables. This seems out of project scope and better suited to wikipedia. This template is used in one place, a discussion on the village pump, where it was used to give a running tally of how people had &quot;voted&quot;. The table there is obnoxiously big and disruptive, unnecessary, and illustrates a complete lack of understanding of how consensus works (consensus != counting votes). Furthermore it is completely unnecessary to have a massive nest of complex modules, templates and lua data structures to produce a 1 off table with some fancy colouring, I propose removing the single use of this or replacing it with a plain table, and deleting this template. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 11:57, 31 July 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 12:00, 7 August 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Delete''', per nom. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:09, 1 August 2022 (UTC)
*'''Delete'''. &quot;...obnoxiously big and disruptive, unnecessary, and illustrates a complete lack of understanding of how consensus works...&quot;. ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] ([[User talk:Ningauble|talk]]) 23:50, 9 August 2022 (UTC)
* '''Delete''': Out of project scope. &lt;span style=&quot;display:inline-block;text-align:center;vertical-align:bottom;line-height:0.5em;&quot;&gt;~~&lt;nowiki/&gt;~~&lt;br/&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:0.7em;&quot;&gt;[[User:1234qwer1234qwer4]] ([[User talk:1234qwer1234qwer4|talk]])&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt; 13:37, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
*'''Delete''' per nom. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 14:19, 11 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>jio0bqalc8trtl0a6lwsuj56d7sc4y5</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Tv.com person</title>
    <ns>4</ns>
    <id>249825</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153564</id>
      <parentid>3153039</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T14:21:06Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Rubbish computer</username>
        <id>1947194</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Template:Tv.com person */ : delete</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="898" xml:space="preserve">{{#ifeq:{{NAMESPACE}}|Wikiquote| |{{error:not substituted|vfd-new2}}&lt;div style=&quot;display:none;&quot;&gt;}}
== [[:Template:Tv.com person]] ==

This should be deleted for the same reason that [[Template:Tv.com show]] was deleted, Tv.com no longer exists and all the links this template produces are dead. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 11:59, 31 July 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 12:00, 7 August 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Delete''' - no longer needed. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:09, 1 August 2022 (UTC)
*'''Delete''' as at [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Tv.com show]] ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] ([[User talk:Ningauble|talk]]) 23:08, 9 August 2022 (UTC)
*'''Delete''' per nom. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 14:21, 11 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>qwjitew8oj46habpvf9qxi7i1jjrw4l</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>User:Leonaardog</title>
    <ns>2</ns>
    <id>249833</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153630</id>
      <parentid>3150131</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T18:39:33Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Leonaardog</username>
        <id>1767525</id>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="136" xml:space="preserve">{{Boxboxtop}}
{{User Wikiquotian For|year=2014|month=10|day=17}}
{{user pt}}
{{user pt-4}}
{{user en-1}}
{{user es-2}}
{{Userboxbottom}}</text>
      <sha1>f3jmv3yzxvmqgcs9j4gh317ga6ktnom</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Film-cleanup/doc</title>
    <ns>4</ns>
    <id>249861</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153531</id>
      <parentid>3153056</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T13:39:02Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>1234qwer1234qwer4</username>
        <id>1270912</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Template:Film-cleanup/doc */ reply ([[c:Special:MyLanguage/User:JWBTH/CD|CD]])</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1293" xml:space="preserve">{{#ifeq:{{NAMESPACE}}|Wikiquote| |{{error:not substituted|vfd-new2}}&lt;div style=&quot;display:none;&quot;&gt;}}
== [[:Template:Film-cleanup/doc]] ==

Documentation page that has been copied from the English wikipedia which has no relation to the template it is attached to, and which hasn't been localised. Everything here is wrong and/or doesn't make sense on this project. The name of the template, the date format used, the categories you are supposed to check, the information on bots, and the linked policies are all incorrect. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 18:21, 2 August 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 19:00, 9 August 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Delete''', per nom. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 19:34, 2 August 2022 (UTC)
*'''Delete''', could be '''''Speedy'' Delete''' as purely false and misinformation. ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] ([[User talk:Ningauble|talk]]) 23:54, 9 August 2022 (UTC)
* '''Delete'''; misleading and redundant to the (correct) documentation shown on the template page. &lt;span style=&quot;display:inline-block;text-align:center;vertical-align:bottom;line-height:0.5em;&quot;&gt;~~&lt;nowiki/&gt;~~&lt;br/&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:0.7em;&quot;&gt;[[User:1234qwer1234qwer4]] ([[User talk:1234qwer1234qwer4|talk]])&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt; 13:39, 11 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>0ttn8axfd64o9wnfi5wmg2or8u8v5lw</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153566</id>
      <parentid>3153531</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T14:22:39Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Rubbish computer</username>
        <id>1947194</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Template:Film-cleanup/doc */Delete</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1475" xml:space="preserve">{{#ifeq:{{NAMESPACE}}|Wikiquote| |{{error:not substituted|vfd-new2}}&lt;div style=&quot;display:none;&quot;&gt;}}
== [[:Template:Film-cleanup/doc]] ==

Documentation page that has been copied from the English wikipedia which has no relation to the template it is attached to, and which hasn't been localised. Everything here is wrong and/or doesn't make sense on this project. The name of the template, the date format used, the categories you are supposed to check, the information on bots, and the linked policies are all incorrect. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 18:21, 2 August 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 19:00, 9 August 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Delete''', per nom. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 19:34, 2 August 2022 (UTC)
*'''Delete''', could be '''''Speedy'' Delete''' as purely false and misinformation. ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] ([[User talk:Ningauble|talk]]) 23:54, 9 August 2022 (UTC)
* '''Delete'''; misleading and redundant to the (correct) documentation shown on the template page. &lt;span style=&quot;display:inline-block;text-align:center;vertical-align:bottom;line-height:0.5em;&quot;&gt;~~&lt;nowiki/&gt;~~&lt;br/&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:0.7em;&quot;&gt;[[User:1234qwer1234qwer4]] ([[User talk:1234qwer1234qwer4|talk]])&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt; 13:39, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
*'''Delete''' per nom. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 14:22, 11 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>goz3m15vc4xi00p908oby3oqpa8ogwj</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:SectionID</title>
    <ns>4</ns>
    <id>249863</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153527</id>
      <parentid>3150772</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T13:32:47Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>1234qwer1234qwer4</username>
        <id>1270912</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Template:SectionID */ reply: '''Delete''', unusable and unnecessary. (-) ([[c:Special:MyLanguage/User:JWBTH/CD|CD]])</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="868" xml:space="preserve">{{#ifeq:{{NAMESPACE}}|Wikiquote| |{{error:not substituted|vfd-new2}}&lt;div style=&quot;display:none;&quot;&gt;}}
== [[:Template:SectionID]] ==

A template that has been copied from somewhere without attribution that cannot ever work on this project because it requires [[MW:Extension:External Data]], which is not enabled on any WMF sites. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 18:30, 2 August 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 19:00, 9 August 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Delete''', per nom. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 19:38, 2 August 2022 (UTC)
* '''Delete''', unusable and unnecessary. &lt;span style=&quot;display:inline-block;text-align:center;vertical-align:bottom;line-height:0.5em;&quot;&gt;~~&lt;nowiki/&gt;~~&lt;br/&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:0.7em;&quot;&gt;[[User:1234qwer1234qwer4]] ([[User talk:1234qwer1234qwer4|talk]])&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt; 13:32, 11 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>gtvd1ztutr7s3t3m2tcdes615567o4v</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Pp-template (second nomination)</title>
    <ns>4</ns>
    <id>249866</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153526</id>
      <parentid>3150776</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T13:31:36Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>1234qwer1234qwer4</username>
        <id>1270912</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Template:Pp-template */ reply: '''Delete''', has no use on here. (-) ([[c:Special:MyLanguage/User:JWBTH/CD|CD]])</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1469" xml:space="preserve">{{#ifeq:{{NAMESPACE}}|Wikiquote| |{{error:not substituted|vfd-new2}}&lt;div style=&quot;display:none;&quot;&gt;}}
== [[:Template:Pp-template]] ==

This is for [[Template:Pp-template]], [[Module:Effective protection expiry]], [[Module:Effective protection level]], [[Module:Protection banner]] and [[Module:Protection banner/config]].

This is a protection banner template for a protection level that does not exist on this project. The templates and modules have been copied from the English wikipedia with no attempt made to localise them or set up the configuration properly. Even if template level protection does end up getting added here it would be better in my view for us to make our own protection template in the same style as {{tl|protected}} and {{tl|semiprotected}} than to copy paste a protection template in a completely different style designed for a project with a protection system with an order of magnitude more complexity. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 18:52, 2 August 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 19:00, 9 August 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Delete all''', per nom. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 19:40, 2 August 2022 (UTC)
* '''Delete''', has no use on here. &lt;span style=&quot;display:inline-block;text-align:center;vertical-align:bottom;line-height:0.5em;&quot;&gt;~~&lt;nowiki/&gt;~~&lt;br/&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:0.7em;&quot;&gt;[[User:1234qwer1234qwer4]] ([[User talk:1234qwer1234qwer4|talk]])&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt; 13:31, 11 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>1nk3dln8kr7dgjxu6wi1lu0f9dtqytg</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153601</id>
      <parentid>3153526</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T17:28:25Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Rubbish computer</username>
        <id>1947194</id>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="1651" xml:space="preserve">{{#ifeq:{{NAMESPACE}}|Wikiquote| |{{error:not substituted|vfd-new2}}&lt;div style=&quot;display:none;&quot;&gt;}}
== [[:Template:Pp-template]] ==

This is for [[Template:Pp-template]], [[Module:Effective protection expiry]], [[Module:Effective protection level]], [[Module:Protection banner]] and [[Module:Protection banner/config]].

This is a protection banner template for a protection level that does not exist on this project. The templates and modules have been copied from the English wikipedia with no attempt made to localise them or set up the configuration properly. Even if template level protection does end up getting added here it would be better in my view for us to make our own protection template in the same style as {{tl|protected}} and {{tl|semiprotected}} than to copy paste a protection template in a completely different style designed for a project with a protection system with an order of magnitude more complexity. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 18:52, 2 August 2022 (UTC)

&lt;small&gt;'''Vote closes''': 19:00, 9 August 2022 (UTC)&lt;/small&gt;
* '''Delete all''', per nom. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 19:40, 2 August 2022 (UTC)
* '''Delete''', has no use on here. &lt;span style=&quot;display:inline-block;text-align:center;vertical-align:bottom;line-height:0.5em;&quot;&gt;~~&lt;nowiki/&gt;~~&lt;br/&gt;&lt;span style=&quot;font-size:0.7em;&quot;&gt;[[User:1234qwer1234qwer4]] ([[User talk:1234qwer1234qwer4|talk]])&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt; 13:31, 11 August 2022 (UTC)
*'''Delete''' per nom. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 17:28, 11 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
      <sha1>5vzr1u51p0tu2q23s73w1e7vx7sm1td</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Movie</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>249919</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153652</id>
      <parentid>3151638</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T20:03:03Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2601:81:C400:D200:C99D:3CE6:72A3:A8E3</ip>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="2007" xml:space="preserve">{{italic title}}
----
:'''Seasons:''' [[Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles/Season 1|1]] [[Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles/Season 2|2]] | [[Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Movie|Film]]

----
'''''{{w|Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Movie}}''''' is a 2022 American animated [[w:Superhero film|superhero]] [[w:Comedy film|comedy film]] based on the [[w:|animated television series]] ''[[Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]]''. It premiered on Netflix on August 5, 2022.

==Dialogue==


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;

:'''Leo''': Mikey, Donnie, we can fight this! Raph's doing it for us, so we do it for him! That alien jerkface thinks we're weak because he hasn't seen what we can do when we fight together!
:'''Krang One''': It's pointless to resist Krang! Give up! You'll be consumed like everyone else on this pathetic planet!
:'''Leo''': Fat chance! We're not like everyone on this planet. We are…
:'''Mikey''': …the Teenage…
:'''Donnie''': …Mutant…
:'''Raph''': …Ninja…
:'''Leo''': …Turtles!

&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


&lt;hr width=&quot;50%&quot;/&gt;


==Cast==
*Ben Schwartz as Leo
*Omar Benson Miller as Raph
*Brandon Mychal Smith as Mikey
*Josh Brener as Donnie
*Haley Joel Osmnet as Casey Jones
*Kat Graham as April O'Neil
*Eric Bauza as Splinter
*Jim Pirri as Krang One
*Toks Olagundoye as Krang Two
*Rob Paulson as Foot Lieutenant
*John Michael Higgins as Warren Stine
*Rhys Darby as Hypno-Potamus

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|9784708}}

{{Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles}}
[[Category:2022 films]]
[[Category:2020s American animated films]]
[[Category:Traditionally animated films]]
[[Category:Superhero films]]
[[Category:Streaming films]]
[[Category:Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles films]]
[[Category:Nickelodeon films]]
[[Category:Films based on animated television series]]
[[Category:Films about turtles]]
[[Category:Films about brothers]]</text>
      <sha1>kfbsfmkfl5ezkz2b4pzo9ti528nky1c</sha1>
    </revision>
  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Hi-5 (American TV Series)</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>250012</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153509</id>
      <parentid>3153480</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T12:58:42Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>prod</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="15813" xml:space="preserve">----{{dated prod|concern = Lack of memorable quotes|month = August|day = 11|year = 2022|time = 12:58|timestamp = 20220811125835}}
&lt;!-- Do not use the &quot;dated prod&quot; template directly; the above line is generated by &quot;subst:prod|reason&quot; --&gt;
'''[[wikipedia:Hi-5 (American TV Series)|Hi-5]]''' (also known as '''Hi-5 USA''') is an American children's television series produced by Kids Like Us, which aired on Discovery Kids and TLC on the Ready Set Learn blocks of both networks. It is based on the original [[Hi-5 (Australian TV Series)|Australian series of the same name]], created by Helena Harris and Posie Graeme-Evans. The program is known for its educational content and pop music appeal, with the cast of the show known collectively as Hi-5. The series premiered on February 24, 2003. The program was nominated for three Emmy Awards.

==Making Music Segment (Curtis Cregan)==
===From ''Adventures Around Your House'' [1:17]===
* Imagine if you can grow in different sizes.
* Tall as an elephant…
* …or small as the ant in my house.
* I wonder what my house looks like to an ant.

* ♪ I wanna be small, not big at all ♪
* ♪ Right down near the ground ♪
* ♪ Make a tiny little sound ♪
* ♪ I wanna be small, not big at all. ♪

* Hey! My voice is all tiny and squeaky when I’m small.
* Oh, Hi. I’m remember seeing you around here before.
* Do I know you?
* Of course! I live here!
* Oh, well I’m Natalie the ant.
* I’m just heading over the kitchen for some crumbs.
* You don’t look much like an ant.
* No. I’m a person. I just grew smaller.
* Don’t you love being small?

* SHAUN: Coming through!
* Hey! That big strong thing sounds like an elephant!
* What’s an elephant doing in my house?!
* SHAUN: Boom-boom-boom!
* JENN: Oh, watch out, Curtis!
* SHAUN: …Boom-boom-boom-boom-boom…
* CURTIS: Hey elephant! Down here!
* My ant voice is too small and too tiny for the elephant to hear!
* Maybe I should try growing really tall!
* 
* ♪ I wanna be tall, not tiny at all ♪
* ♪ Right up off the ground ♪
* ♪ Make a big loud sound ♪
* ♪ I wanna be tall, not tiny at all. ♪
* 
* HEY ELEPHANT!!
* Hmm?!
* Listen to my BIG STRONG VOICE!
* Oh, hi. Just on the way to the kitchen for some peanut butter!
* Didn’t think there was anyone else in there.
* Well, I just grew really tall.
* Agh, don’t you love being tall with a BIG LOUD VOICE?!!!
* Actually, I’m not sure which I like.
* Tall…
* …or small.
* 
* ♪ I love being tall ♪
* ♪ I love being small ♪
* ♪ Not tiny at all ♪
* ♪ Not big at all ♪
* ♪ Right up off the ground ♪
* ♪ Right down near the ground ♪
* ♪ Make a big loud sound ♪
* ♪ Make a tiny little sound ♪
* ♪ I love being tall ♪
* ♪ I love being small. ♪

* Bye, Curtis!
* (high-pitched voice) Bye!
* I mean…
* (normal voice) Bye!
* You know it isn’t often you get to meet an ant and an elephant in your house.
 
==Puzzles and Patterns Segment (Kimee Balmilero)==
===From ''Machines In Your House'' [1:11]===
* ♪ I'm a phone operator ♪
* ♪ Ring! Ring! I've gotta answer the phone ♪
* ♪ Hello! Hello! Gonna take the message ♪
* ♪ Write this down, tell them you're not at home, hey ♪
* ♪ Ring! Ring! I'm a phone operator ♪
* ♪ I've gotta answer the phone. ♪

* Today, I’m pretending to be a phone operator.
* I gotta answer these three phones.
* One, two, three.
* And write messages on this colored paper.
* See each person’s got a different color that matches these message boxes;
* Pink for Karla, yellow for Jenn, green for Shaun, and blue for Curtis.

* (dials phone)
* (phone rings)

* What??
* Oh, that phone’s ringing.
* I was going to pretend to be a phone operator, but…
* But that phone’s ringing.
* 
* (picks up phone)
* Hello?
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* Jup Jup?
* No, I think you got the wrong number.
* That’s strange.
* (second phone rings)
* Hmmm. Phone’s ringing.
* Hello?
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* (third phone rings)
* Another phone’s ringing.
* Can you hold, please?!
* Hello?!
* (Jup Jup laughs)
* Uh– Can you hold?!
* Hello.
* JUP JUP: Karla!
* Yes, message for Karla.
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* Pink for Karla.
* Okay.
* Oh yeah, I’ll tell her you called.
* Bye.
* Hello?
* JUP JUP: Hello, is Jenn here…
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* Yes, message for Jenn?

* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* Can you say that again, a bit more slowly, please?
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* Yellow for Jenn.
* Okay, yes.
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* Oh, thank you. You have a nice day too.
* Bye.
* Hello, thank you for holding.
* JUP JUP: Shaun!
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* No, this is Kimee.
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* Message for Shaun?
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* Green for Shaun.
* Okay, yes.
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* Uh-huh.
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* I’ll pass that on.
* Bye.
* (door opens)
* (cell phone rings)
* Hmmm… There’s a phone ringing.
* I wonder where it is?
* (cell phone rings)
* (door opens)
* Ah, Jup Jup!
* Oh, that’s strange.
* I bet it’s in there.
* (green door opens)
* (cell phone rings)
* Yes!
* Hello?
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* JUP JUP: Curtis…
* Yes. Message for Curtis?
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* Okay, yes. Bye.
* (hangs up cell phone)
* Ooh. That was confusing!

* ♪ I'm a phone operator ♪
* ♪ Ring! Ring! I've gotta answer the phone ♪
* ♪ Hello! Hello! Gonna take the message ♪
* ♪ Write this down, tell them you're not at home, hey ♪
* ♪ Ring! Ring! I'm a phone operator ♪
* ♪ I've gotta answer the phone. ♪

* You know, this colored paper thing really makes it easy to sort out who's messages who's.
* (laughs)
* Ooh, busy day for this pretend phone operator!
* I better go tell the others that they've got messages.
* (pink door opens)
* Oooh! Jup Jup!
* (laughs)

==Shapes In Space Segment (Shaun Taylor Corbett)==
===From ''Fun Machines'' [1:15]===
* Hi there.
* I'm just making sure my helicopter
* equipment is ready to go.
* You never know when you might have to
* rush off on a rescue mission.
* Got my rescue rope...
* ...tied up nice and tight...
* ....and this is my walkie talkie.
* (Imitates radio)
* Hello! Pilot Shaun here.
* (Imitates radio)
* A rescue!
* Rescue? Don't worry!
* I'll get it back safe and sound, over and out!
* The rescue mission is on!
* Kimee has lost her toy elephant.
* It's stuck up on Shape Mountain!
* Pilot Shaun to the rescue
* Do you guys want to come?
* All right!
* I got my helmet on...
* ...flying goggles on...
* ...into the helicopter!
* Propeller's on...
* ...the propeller spins round and round...
* ...and off we go!

* ♪ I'm gonna fly in the sky up high ♪
* ♪ With the city and the ocean below ♪
* ♪ A rescue helicopter ♪
* ♪ What I see from above? ♪
* ♪ Nobody knows. ♪

* There's Shape Mountain!
* Yes, I can see something stuck at the top!
* There's something with two big floppy ears...
* and a long long trunk!
* Maybe it's the elephant!
* Don't worry elephant!
* Pilot Shaun to the rescue!
* (Imitates helicopter.
* I just got to find a safe place to land my helicopter!
* Down we go.
* Ahhh. Perfect landing.
* Propeller off...
* ...and up shape mountain, I go!
* Oh, it's pretty steep!
* Hi, elephant.
* Let's get you home safely now.
* (exhausts)
* Okay...
* Down we go.
* Okay...
* You can sit here, elephant.
* Okay, strap you in...
* There.
* Okay.
* Propeller on,
* and off we go!

* ♪ I'm gonna fly in the sky up high ♪
* ♪ With the city and the ocean below ♪
* ♪ A rescue helicopter ♪
* ♪ What I see from above? ♪
* ♪ Nobody knows. ♪
* 
* Down we go...
* ...on to the landing pad...
* Touchdown!
* Propeller off!
* KIMEE: Oh, you found my Ellie!
* Oh, thanks, Pilot Shaun.
* There you go, Ellie elephant.
* Another successful rescue.

===From ''Adventures To Other Countries'' [1:16]===
* Hi! I’m going on an adventure today, all the way to Mexico.
* I’m going to climb a pyramid called; The Temple of the Sun!
* Looks like this. See?
* The pyramid’s made of steps so you can climb to the very top.
* Hey - Why don’t you come?

* ♪ There's a pyramid in Mexico ♪
* ♪ Called the Temple of the Sun ♪
* ♪ It's made of big stone blocks ♪
* ♪ Stacked up one by one ♪
* ♪ Step by step, climb to the top ♪
* ♪ Up, up high we go ♪
* ♪ And when you get right to the top ♪
* ♪ We’ll look down at the world below. ♪

* I made a compass so we know which way to go.
* This arrow moves around and points to the direction we’re going.
* East, north, west, or south, so we won’t get lost.
* The arrow’s pointing south, so let’s head south.
* Alright. I’m ready to search for the temple of the sun. Let’s go!
* Oh! Strange place to keep these!
* An adventurer might trip over them.
* Better straighten them up.
* Aha! I’ve just had an idea!
* These cushions look a little like stone blocks.
* They can be the stone blocks of the temple.
* Well, kind of spongy soft stone blocks.
* I’m gonna make a pyramid.

* ♪ There's a pyramid in Mexico ♪
* ♪ Called the Temple of the Sun ♪
* ♪ It's made of big stone blocks ♪
* ♪ Stacked up one by one ♪
* ♪ Step by step, climb to the top ♪
* ♪ Up, up high we go ♪
* ♪ And when you get right to the top ♪
* ♪ We’ll look down at the world below. ♪

* (gasps)
* Look! I think we found the pyramid! Look!
* The Temple of the Sun!
* Wow. It’s huge!
* Well, pretty huge.
* Adventurers, are you ready to climb?!
* Then let’s go!
* This could be a little tricky.

* ♪ There's a pyramid in Mexico ♪
* ♪ Called the Temple of the Sun ♪
* ♪ It's made of big stone blocks ♪
* ♪ Stacked up one by one ♪
* ♪ Step by step, climb to the top ♪
* ♪ Up, up high we go ♪
* ♪ And when you get right to the top ♪
* ♪ We’ll look down at the world below. ♪

* Oh! We did it!
* We climbed to the top of the Temple of the Sun!
* Ooh. Boy.
* That was a big climb.
* I think I need a little rest.
* See you on the next adventure.

==Word Play Segment (Jennifer Korbee)==
===From ''Adventures To Other Countries'' [1:16]===
* JENN: Rrrrrr-rrrrrrrrrrr… Olé!
* CHATS: Olé! That’s Spanish. I’m practicing my Spanish too!

* Oh, what can you say in Spanish, Chats?
* Mmmm… Olé!

* Oh, what about this?
* Your hat?
* Yeah, it’s a hat, Chats. But it’s a Spanish hat. It’s a black Spanish sun hat. See this brim around the edge? It shades you from the sun because it’s very sunny and hot in Spain.
* It’s called a Sombrero.

* Sombr–rero. Sombr–rero. Not easy to say, Jenn.
* You just need to roll your “R”s, Chats.
* R-rrrrr Sombrero.

* Sombr– Sombr– Boy, you picked the hard one.
* Oh, well let’s practice.
* You’ll help me?
* Of course, I’ll help you. Just open your mouth like this. Ahh…
* Agghhhh…
* JENN: That’s right. Now put the tip of your tongue and the top of your mouth and kinda push the air out like this.
* (rolls her “R”s)
* Sombrero. How did you do?
* You sound like a broken-down car!
* (Laughs)
* Vroom Vroom Vroom!
* Hey, that’s a great way to roll your “R”s, Chats. Just make a sound like a car.
* (attempts to roll her “R”s)
* Keep practicing.
* (rolls her “R”s)
* Hey, I got it! Now, Sombrero!
* That’s great, Chats!
* Well, let’s sing a song about the Sombrero, and you can join in with the “R” sound.
* (rolls her “R”s)

* ♪ Sombrero, sombrero, sombrero ♪
* ♪ You wear it on your head, oh ♪
* ♪ You spin it round instead, oh ♪
* ♪ Throw it in the air ♪
* ♪ Throw it everywhere ♪
* ♪ Sombrero, sombrero, sombrero. ♪

* Great song! Sombrero! Hey, I did it! Sombrero!
* JENN: Way to go, Chats!
* Listen!
* (rolls her “R”s)
* Hey, that tickles!
* (laughs)
* That’s great.
* (rolls her “R”s)
* I think she’s got the hang of it.
* (rolls her “R”s)
* Chats?
* (rolls her “R”s)
* Oh well. Wanna try?
* (rolls her “R”s)

* ♪ Sombrero, sombrero, sombrero ♪
* ♪ You wear it on your head, oh ♪
* ♪ You spin it round instead, oh ♪
* ♪ Throw it in the air ♪
* ♪ Throw it everywhere ♪
* ♪ Sombrero, sombrero, sombrero. ♪

==Body Move Segment (Karla Cheatham-Mosley)==
===From ''Adventures To Other Countries'' [1:16]===
* Wow, this must be mount Challenge.
* You wanna climb it with me?

* ♪ Step by step, climb to the top ♪
* ♪ Up, up high we go ♪
* ♪ And when we get right to the top ♪
* ♪ We’ll look down at the world below. ♪

* Nearly there!

* ♪ Step by step, climb to the top ♪
* ♪ Up, up high we go ♪
* ♪ And when you get right to the top ♪
* ♪ We’ll look down at the world below. ♪

* Wow! I can see a lot from up here.
* And what a great climb!
* But we better get back down from the mountain
* before the sun goes down.
* Come on!

* ♪ Step by step, now climbing down ♪
* ♪ Down, down down we go ♪
* ♪ Taking each step one by one ♪
* ♪ Down to the ground below. ♪

* ♪ Step by step, now climbing down ♪
* ♪ Down, down down we go ♪
* ♪ Taking each step one by one ♪
* ♪ Down to the ground below. ♪
* Ah, back on the ground at last.
* Well done, mountain climbers.

==Sharing Stories==
===From ''Touching'' [1:01]===
* Guess what? I'm reading the story today.
* Once upon a time, there was a circus.

* ♪ The Circus is in town, come on an join the fun ♪
* ♪ There's jugglers and clowns and lots of fun for everyone. ♪

* Now this circus was a bit different to any other circus you might have seen
* There is a juggler...
* Oh... Except I can't juggle
* There is also a clown...
* Hi, I'm the clown... I'm not very funny
* Then there was a tightrope-walker.
* Please don't make me go up there!
* I was scared of heights.
* Have I told you about the unicyclist?
* You'll never guess!
* CHATS: Yep.
* Well, I can't ride a bike with only one wheel, why can't I ride a bike with two wheels?!
* Just one more person to introduce; the ringmaster.
* Now a ringmaster is very important because they call everyone to the circus, like this: Step right up! The circus is about to begin!
* Oh, is that how you do it?
* Yep. Come on, you can do it!
* [STAMMERS] Step right up... The circus is about to begin.
* Well, you can see the trouble with this circus, it's just not very good.

* ♪ The Circus is in town, come on an join the fun ♪
* ♪ There's jugglers and clowns and lots of fun for everyone. ♪

* One night, after the show had finished and everyone had gone home, something very surprising happened.
* Whoa!
* What are you doing here?!
* I was about to ask you the same question.
* I was just juggling.
* I didn't know you could juggle.
* I didn't know you could ride a unicycle.
* Just at that moment, something else amazing happened.
* [LAUGHS] What are you doing all the way up there?
* Well, I'm walking the tightrope, and I've been practicing, and I'm actually very good.
* Wow, you're fantastic.
* Now that's a funny clown!
* Then something yippidy-dippity-yip-yahoo-y happened!
* Great work, Chats!
* Step right up! The circus is about to begin!
* I'm just clowning around!
* I always wanted to be a clown.
* I never did like being a tightrope walker.
* But I love it up here.
* [LAUGHS]
* And I can't ride that bike with one wheel.
* Not like you can.
* So the circus that wasn't very good became the circus that was fantastic. Because everyone had found something that they could do really well.
* Step right up! The circus is about to begin!

* ♪ The Circus is in town, come on an join the fun ♪
* ♪ There's jugglers and clowns and lots of fun for everyone. ♪

* Thanks, Chats. That was fantastic.

* Would you mind doing one more thing for me, please?
* Sure, Chats what would you like?
* Can you sing me a song?

* Yeah!</text>
      <sha1>m46uqohx5mvzcagcqj85icrx5zu8rjz</sha1>
    </revision>
    <revision>
      <id>3153848</id>
      <parentid>3153509</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-12T08:27:48Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <ip>2601:601:1400:23B0:B0F1:3035:3B61:5575</ip>
      </contributor>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="15651" xml:space="preserve">'''[[wikipedia:Hi-5 (American TV Series)|Hi-5]]''' (also known as '''Hi-5 USA''') is an American children's television series produced by Kids Like Us, which aired on Discovery Kids and TLC on the Ready Set Learn blocks of both networks. It is based on the original [[Hi-5 (Australian TV Series)|Australian series of the same name]], created by Helena Harris and Posie Graeme-Evans. The program is known for its educational content and pop music appeal, with the cast of the show known collectively as Hi-5. The series premiered on February 24, 2003. The program was nominated for three Emmy Awards.

==Making Music Segment (Curtis Cregan)==
===From ''Adventures Around Your House'' [1:17]===
* Imagine if you can grow in different sizes.
* Tall as an elephant…
* …or small as the ant in my house.
* I wonder what my house looks like to an ant.

* ♪ I wanna be small, not big at all ♪
* ♪ Right down near the ground ♪
* ♪ Make a tiny little sound ♪
* ♪ I wanna be small, not big at all. ♪

* Hey! My voice is all tiny and squeaky when I’m small.
* Oh, Hi. I’m remember seeing you around here before.
* Do I know you?
* Of course! I live here!
* Oh, well I’m Natalie the ant.
* I’m just heading over the kitchen for some crumbs.
* You don’t look much like an ant.
* No. I’m a person. I just grew smaller.
* Don’t you love being small?

* SHAUN: Coming through!
* Hey! That big strong thing sounds like an elephant!
* What’s an elephant doing in my house?!
* SHAUN: Boom-boom-boom!
* JENN: Oh, watch out, Curtis!
* SHAUN: …Boom-boom-boom-boom-boom…
* CURTIS: Hey elephant! Down here!
* My ant voice is too small and too tiny for the elephant to hear!
* Maybe I should try growing really tall!
* 
* ♪ I wanna be tall, not tiny at all ♪
* ♪ Right up off the ground ♪
* ♪ Make a big loud sound ♪
* ♪ I wanna be tall, not tiny at all. ♪
* 
* HEY ELEPHANT!!
* Hmm?!
* Listen to my BIG STRONG VOICE!
* Oh, hi. Just on the way to the kitchen for some peanut butter!
* Didn’t think there was anyone else in there.
* Well, I just grew really tall.
* Agh, don’t you love being tall with a BIG LOUD VOICE?!!!
* Actually, I’m not sure which I like.
* Tall…
* …or small.
* 
* ♪ I love being tall ♪
* ♪ I love being small ♪
* ♪ Not tiny at all ♪
* ♪ Not big at all ♪
* ♪ Right up off the ground ♪
* ♪ Right down near the ground ♪
* ♪ Make a big loud sound ♪
* ♪ Make a tiny little sound ♪
* ♪ I love being tall ♪
* ♪ I love being small. ♪

* Bye, Curtis!
* (high-pitched voice) Bye!
* I mean…
* (normal voice) Bye!
* You know it isn’t often you get to meet an ant and an elephant in your house.
 
==Puzzles and Patterns Segment (Kimee Balmilero)==
===From ''Machines In Your House'' [1:11]===
* ♪ I'm a phone operator ♪
* ♪ Ring! Ring! I've gotta answer the phone ♪
* ♪ Hello! Hello! Gonna take the message ♪
* ♪ Write this down, tell them you're not at home, hey ♪
* ♪ Ring! Ring! I'm a phone operator ♪
* ♪ I've gotta answer the phone. ♪

* Today, I’m pretending to be a phone operator.
* I gotta answer these three phones.
* One, two, three.
* And write messages on this colored paper.
* See each person’s got a different color that matches these message boxes;
* Pink for Karla, yellow for Jenn, green for Shaun, and blue for Curtis.

* (dials phone)
* (phone rings)

* What??
* Oh, that phone’s ringing.
* I was going to pretend to be a phone operator, but…
* But that phone’s ringing.
* 
* (picks up phone)
* Hello?
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* Jup Jup?
* No, I think you got the wrong number.
* That’s strange.
* (second phone rings)
* Hmmm. Phone’s ringing.
* Hello?
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* (third phone rings)
* Another phone’s ringing.
* Can you hold, please?!
* Hello?!
* (Jup Jup laughs)
* Uh– Can you hold?!
* Hello.
* JUP JUP: Karla!
* Yes, message for Karla.
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* Pink for Karla.
* Okay.
* Oh yeah, I’ll tell her you called.
* Bye.
* Hello?
* JUP JUP: Hello, is Jenn here…
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* Yes, message for Jenn?

* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* Can you say that again, a bit more slowly, please?
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* Yellow for Jenn.
* Okay, yes.
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* Oh, thank you. You have a nice day too.
* Bye.
* Hello, thank you for holding.
* JUP JUP: Shaun!
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* No, this is Kimee.
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* Message for Shaun?
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* Green for Shaun.
* Okay, yes.
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* Uh-huh.
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* I’ll pass that on.
* Bye.
* (door opens)
* (cell phone rings)
* Hmmm… There’s a phone ringing.
* I wonder where it is?
* (cell phone rings)
* (door opens)
* Ah, Jup Jup!
* Oh, that’s strange.
* I bet it’s in there.
* (green door opens)
* (cell phone rings)
* Yes!
* Hello?
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* JUP JUP: Curtis…
* Yes. Message for Curtis?
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* Okay, yes. Bye.
* (hangs up cell phone)
* Ooh. That was confusing!

* ♪ I'm a phone operator ♪
* ♪ Ring! Ring! I've gotta answer the phone ♪
* ♪ Hello! Hello! Gonna take the message ♪
* ♪ Write this down, tell them you're not at home, hey ♪
* ♪ Ring! Ring! I'm a phone operator ♪
* ♪ I've gotta answer the phone. ♪

* You know, this colored paper thing really makes it easy to sort out who's messages who's.
* (laughs)
* Ooh, busy day for this pretend phone operator!
* I better go tell the others that they've got messages.
* (pink door opens)
* Oooh! Jup Jup!
* (laughs)

==Shapes In Space Segment (Shaun Taylor Corbett)==
===From ''Fun Machines'' [1:15]===
* Hi there.
* I'm just making sure my helicopter
* equipment is ready to go.
* You never know when you might have to
* rush off on a rescue mission.
* Got my rescue rope...
* ...tied up nice and tight...
* ....and this is my walkie talkie.
* (Imitates radio)
* Hello! Pilot Shaun here.
* (Imitates radio)
* A rescue!
* Rescue? Don't worry!
* I'll get it back safe and sound, over and out!
* The rescue mission is on!
* Kimee has lost her toy elephant.
* It's stuck up on Shape Mountain!
* Pilot Shaun to the rescue
* Do you guys want to come?
* All right!
* I got my helmet on...
* ...flying goggles on...
* ...into the helicopter!
* Propeller's on...
* ...the propeller spins round and round...
* ...and off we go!

* ♪ I'm gonna fly in the sky up high ♪
* ♪ With the city and the ocean below ♪
* ♪ A rescue helicopter ♪
* ♪ What I see from above? ♪
* ♪ Nobody knows. ♪

* There's Shape Mountain!
* Yes, I can see something stuck at the top!
* There's something with two big floppy ears...
* and a long long trunk!
* Maybe it's the elephant!
* Don't worry elephant!
* Pilot Shaun to the rescue!
* (Imitates helicopter.
* I just got to find a safe place to land my helicopter!
* Down we go.
* Ahhh. Perfect landing.
* Propeller off...
* ...and up shape mountain, I go!
* Oh, it's pretty steep!
* Hi, elephant.
* Let's get you home safely now.
* (exhausts)
* Okay...
* Down we go.
* Okay...
* You can sit here, elephant.
* Okay, strap you in...
* There.
* Okay.
* Propeller on,
* and off we go!

* ♪ I'm gonna fly in the sky up high ♪
* ♪ With the city and the ocean below ♪
* ♪ A rescue helicopter ♪
* ♪ What I see from above? ♪
* ♪ Nobody knows. ♪
* 
* Down we go...
* ...on to the landing pad...
* Touchdown!
* Propeller off!
* KIMEE: Oh, you found my Ellie!
* Oh, thanks, Pilot Shaun.
* There you go, Ellie elephant.
* Another successful rescue.

===From ''Adventures To Other Countries'' [1:16]===
* Hi! I’m going on an adventure today, all the way to Mexico.
* I’m going to climb a pyramid called; The Temple of the Sun!
* Looks like this. See?
* The pyramid’s made of steps so you can climb to the very top.
* Hey - Why don’t you come?

* ♪ There's a pyramid in Mexico ♪
* ♪ Called the Temple of the Sun ♪
* ♪ It's made of big stone blocks ♪
* ♪ Stacked up one by one ♪
* ♪ Step by step, climb to the top ♪
* ♪ Up, up high we go ♪
* ♪ And when you get right to the top ♪
* ♪ We’ll look down at the world below. ♪

* I made a compass so we know which way to go.
* This arrow moves around and points to the direction we’re going.
* East, north, west, or south, so we won’t get lost.
* The arrow’s pointing south, so let’s head south.
* Alright. I’m ready to search for the temple of the sun. Let’s go!
* Oh! Strange place to keep these!
* An adventurer might trip over them.
* Better straighten them up.
* Aha! I’ve just had an idea!
* These cushions look a little like stone blocks.
* They can be the stone blocks of the temple.
* Well, kind of spongy soft stone blocks.
* I’m gonna make a pyramid.

* ♪ There's a pyramid in Mexico ♪
* ♪ Called the Temple of the Sun ♪
* ♪ It's made of big stone blocks ♪
* ♪ Stacked up one by one ♪
* ♪ Step by step, climb to the top ♪
* ♪ Up, up high we go ♪
* ♪ And when you get right to the top ♪
* ♪ We’ll look down at the world below. ♪

* (gasps)
* Look! I think we found the pyramid! Look!
* The Temple of the Sun!
* Wow. It’s huge!
* Well, pretty huge.
* Adventurers, are you ready to climb?!
* Then let’s go!
* This could be a little tricky.

* ♪ There's a pyramid in Mexico ♪
* ♪ Called the Temple of the Sun ♪
* ♪ It's made of big stone blocks ♪
* ♪ Stacked up one by one ♪
* ♪ Step by step, climb to the top ♪
* ♪ Up, up high we go ♪
* ♪ And when you get right to the top ♪
* ♪ We’ll look down at the world below. ♪

* Oh! We did it!
* We climbed to the top of the Temple of the Sun!
* Ooh. Boy.
* That was a big climb.
* I think I need a little rest.
* See you on the next adventure.

==Word Play Segment (Jennifer Korbee)==
===From ''Adventures To Other Countries'' [1:16]===
* JENN: Rrrrrr-rrrrrrrrrrr… Olé!
* CHATS: Olé! That’s Spanish. I’m practicing my Spanish too!

* Oh, what can you say in Spanish, Chats?
* Mmmm… Olé!

* Oh, what about this?
* Your hat?
* Yeah, it’s a hat, Chats. But it’s a Spanish hat. It’s a black Spanish sun hat. See this brim around the edge? It shades you from the sun because it’s very sunny and hot in Spain.
* It’s called a Sombrero.

* Sombr–rero. Sombr–rero. Not easy to say, Jenn.
* You just need to roll your “R”s, Chats.
* R-rrrrr Sombrero.

* Sombr– Sombr– Boy, you picked the hard one.
* Oh, well let’s practice.
* You’ll help me?
* Of course, I’ll help you. Just open your mouth like this. Ahh…
* Agghhhh…
* JENN: That’s right. Now put the tip of your tongue and the top of your mouth and kinda push the air out like this.
* (rolls her “R”s)
* Sombrero. How did you do?
* You sound like a broken-down car!
* (Laughs)
* Vroom Vroom Vroom!
* Hey, that’s a great way to roll your “R”s, Chats. Just make a sound like a car.
* (attempts to roll her “R”s)
* Keep practicing.
* (rolls her “R”s)
* Hey, I got it! Now, Sombrero!
* That’s great, Chats!
* Well, let’s sing a song about the Sombrero, and you can join in with the “R” sound.
* (rolls her “R”s)

* ♪ Sombrero, sombrero, sombrero ♪
* ♪ You wear it on your head, oh ♪
* ♪ You spin it round instead, oh ♪
* ♪ Throw it in the air ♪
* ♪ Throw it everywhere ♪
* ♪ Sombrero, sombrero, sombrero. ♪

* Great song! Sombrero! Hey, I did it! Sombrero!
* JENN: Way to go, Chats!
* Listen!
* (rolls her “R”s)
* Hey, that tickles!
* (laughs)
* That’s great.
* (rolls her “R”s)
* I think she’s got the hang of it.
* (rolls her “R”s)
* Chats?
* (rolls her “R”s)
* Oh well. Wanna try?
* (rolls her “R”s)

* ♪ Sombrero, sombrero, sombrero ♪
* ♪ You wear it on your head, oh ♪
* ♪ You spin it round instead, oh ♪
* ♪ Throw it in the air ♪
* ♪ Throw it everywhere ♪
* ♪ Sombrero, sombrero, sombrero. ♪

==Body Move Segment (Karla Cheatham-Mosley)==
===From ''Adventures To Other Countries'' [1:16]===
* Wow, this must be mount Challenge.
* You wanna climb it with me?

* ♪ Step by step, climb to the top ♪
* ♪ Up, up high we go ♪
* ♪ And when we get right to the top ♪
* ♪ We’ll look down at the world below. ♪

* Nearly there!

* ♪ Step by step, climb to the top ♪
* ♪ Up, up high we go ♪
* ♪ And when you get right to the top ♪
* ♪ We’ll look down at the world below. ♪

* Wow! I can see a lot from up here.
* And what a great climb!
* But we better get back down from the mountain
* before the sun goes down.
* Come on!

* ♪ Step by step, now climbing down ♪
* ♪ Down, down down we go ♪
* ♪ Taking each step one by one ♪
* ♪ Down to the ground below. ♪

* ♪ Step by step, now climbing down ♪
* ♪ Down, down down we go ♪
* ♪ Taking each step one by one ♪
* ♪ Down to the ground below. ♪
* Ah, back on the ground at last.
* Well done, mountain climbers.

==Sharing Stories==
===From ''Touching'' [1:01]===
* Guess what? I'm reading the story today.
* Once upon a time, there was a circus.

* ♪ The Circus is in town, come on an join the fun ♪
* ♪ There's jugglers and clowns and lots of fun for everyone. ♪

* Now this circus was a bit different to any other circus you might have seen
* There is a juggler...
* Oh... Except I can't juggle
* There is also a clown...
* Hi, I'm the clown... I'm not very funny
* Then there was a tightrope-walker.
* Please don't make me go up there!
* I was scared of heights.
* Have I told you about the unicyclist?
* You'll never guess!
* CHATS: Yep.
* Well, I can't ride a bike with only one wheel, why can't I ride a bike with two wheels?!
* Just one more person to introduce; the ringmaster.
* Now a ringmaster is very important because they call everyone to the circus, like this: Step right up! The circus is about to begin!
* Oh, is that how you do it?
* Yep. Come on, you can do it!
* [STAMMERS] Step right up... The circus is about to begin.
* Well, you can see the trouble with this circus, it's just not very good.

* ♪ The Circus is in town, come on an join the fun ♪
* ♪ There's jugglers and clowns and lots of fun for everyone. ♪

* One night, after the show had finished and everyone had gone home, something very surprising happened.
* Whoa!
* What are you doing here?!
* I was about to ask you the same question.
* I was just juggling.
* I didn't know you could juggle.
* I didn't know you could ride a unicycle.
* Just at that moment, something else amazing happened.
* [LAUGHS] What are you doing all the way up there?
* Well, I'm walking the tightrope, and I've been practicing, and I'm actually very good.
* Wow, you're fantastic.
* Now that's a funny clown!
* Then something yippidy-dippity-yip-yahoo-y happened!
* Great work, Chats!
* Step right up! The circus is about to begin!
* I'm just clowning around!
* I always wanted to be a clown.
* I never did like being a tightrope walker.
* But I love it up here.
* [LAUGHS]
* And I can't ride that bike with one wheel.
* Not like you can.
* So the circus that wasn't very good became the circus that was fantastic. Because everyone had found something that they could do really well.
* Step right up! The circus is about to begin!

* ♪ The Circus is in town, come on an join the fun ♪
* ♪ There's jugglers and clowns and lots of fun for everyone. ♪

* Thanks, Chats. That was fantastic.

* Would you mind doing one more thing for me, please?
* Sure, Chats what would you like?
* Can you sing me a song?

* Yeah!

==Cast==
* Curtis Cregan as Jup Jup
* Karla Cheatham-Mosley as Chatterbox</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3153849</id>
      <parentid>3153848</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-12T08:29:17Z</timestamp>
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      <text bytes="15731" xml:space="preserve">'''[[wikipedia:Hi-5 (American TV Series)|Hi-5]]''' (also known as '''Hi-5 USA''') is an American children's television series produced by Kids Like Us, which aired on Discovery Kids and TLC on the Ready Set Learn blocks of both networks. It is based on the original [[Hi-5 (Australian TV Series)|Australian series of the same name]], created by Helena Harris and Posie Graeme-Evans. The program is known for its educational content and pop music appeal, with the cast of the show known collectively as Hi-5. The series premiered on February 24, 2003. The program was nominated for three Emmy Awards.

==Intro Tagline==
* '''Shaun/Karla/Curtis/Kimee/Jenn''': Together, We're Hi-5!

==Making Music Segment (Curtis Cregan)==
===From ''Adventures Around Your House'' [1:17]===
* Imagine if you can grow in different sizes.
* Tall as an elephant…
* …or small as the ant in my house.
* I wonder what my house looks like to an ant.

* ♪ I wanna be small, not big at all ♪
* ♪ Right down near the ground ♪
* ♪ Make a tiny little sound ♪
* ♪ I wanna be small, not big at all. ♪

* Hey! My voice is all tiny and squeaky when I’m small.
* Oh, Hi. I’m remember seeing you around here before.
* Do I know you?
* Of course! I live here!
* Oh, well I’m Natalie the ant.
* I’m just heading over the kitchen for some crumbs.
* You don’t look much like an ant.
* No. I’m a person. I just grew smaller.
* Don’t you love being small?

* SHAUN: Coming through!
* Hey! That big strong thing sounds like an elephant!
* What’s an elephant doing in my house?!
* SHAUN: Boom-boom-boom!
* JENN: Oh, watch out, Curtis!
* SHAUN: …Boom-boom-boom-boom-boom…
* CURTIS: Hey elephant! Down here!
* My ant voice is too small and too tiny for the elephant to hear!
* Maybe I should try growing really tall!
* 
* ♪ I wanna be tall, not tiny at all ♪
* ♪ Right up off the ground ♪
* ♪ Make a big loud sound ♪
* ♪ I wanna be tall, not tiny at all. ♪
* 
* HEY ELEPHANT!!
* Hmm?!
* Listen to my BIG STRONG VOICE!
* Oh, hi. Just on the way to the kitchen for some peanut butter!
* Didn’t think there was anyone else in there.
* Well, I just grew really tall.
* Agh, don’t you love being tall with a BIG LOUD VOICE?!!!
* Actually, I’m not sure which I like.
* Tall…
* …or small.
* 
* ♪ I love being tall ♪
* ♪ I love being small ♪
* ♪ Not tiny at all ♪
* ♪ Not big at all ♪
* ♪ Right up off the ground ♪
* ♪ Right down near the ground ♪
* ♪ Make a big loud sound ♪
* ♪ Make a tiny little sound ♪
* ♪ I love being tall ♪
* ♪ I love being small. ♪

* Bye, Curtis!
* (high-pitched voice) Bye!
* I mean…
* (normal voice) Bye!
* You know it isn’t often you get to meet an ant and an elephant in your house.
 
==Puzzles and Patterns Segment (Kimee Balmilero)==
===From ''Machines In Your House'' [1:11]===
* ♪ I'm a phone operator ♪
* ♪ Ring! Ring! I've gotta answer the phone ♪
* ♪ Hello! Hello! Gonna take the message ♪
* ♪ Write this down, tell them you're not at home, hey ♪
* ♪ Ring! Ring! I'm a phone operator ♪
* ♪ I've gotta answer the phone. ♪

* Today, I’m pretending to be a phone operator.
* I gotta answer these three phones.
* One, two, three.
* And write messages on this colored paper.
* See each person’s got a different color that matches these message boxes;
* Pink for Karla, yellow for Jenn, green for Shaun, and blue for Curtis.

* (dials phone)
* (phone rings)

* What??
* Oh, that phone’s ringing.
* I was going to pretend to be a phone operator, but…
* But that phone’s ringing.
* 
* (picks up phone)
* Hello?
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* Jup Jup?
* No, I think you got the wrong number.
* That’s strange.
* (second phone rings)
* Hmmm. Phone’s ringing.
* Hello?
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* (third phone rings)
* Another phone’s ringing.
* Can you hold, please?!
* Hello?!
* (Jup Jup laughs)
* Uh– Can you hold?!
* Hello.
* JUP JUP: Karla!
* Yes, message for Karla.
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* Pink for Karla.
* Okay.
* Oh yeah, I’ll tell her you called.
* Bye.
* Hello?
* JUP JUP: Hello, is Jenn here…
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* Yes, message for Jenn?

* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* Can you say that again, a bit more slowly, please?
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* Yellow for Jenn.
* Okay, yes.
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* Oh, thank you. You have a nice day too.
* Bye.
* Hello, thank you for holding.
* JUP JUP: Shaun!
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* No, this is Kimee.
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* Message for Shaun?
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* Green for Shaun.
* Okay, yes.
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* Uh-huh.
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* I’ll pass that on.
* Bye.
* (door opens)
* (cell phone rings)
* Hmmm… There’s a phone ringing.
* I wonder where it is?
* (cell phone rings)
* (door opens)
* Ah, Jup Jup!
* Oh, that’s strange.
* I bet it’s in there.
* (green door opens)
* (cell phone rings)
* Yes!
* Hello?
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* JUP JUP: Curtis…
* Yes. Message for Curtis?
* (Jup Jup talks indistinctly)
* Okay, yes. Bye.
* (hangs up cell phone)
* Ooh. That was confusing!

* ♪ I'm a phone operator ♪
* ♪ Ring! Ring! I've gotta answer the phone ♪
* ♪ Hello! Hello! Gonna take the message ♪
* ♪ Write this down, tell them you're not at home, hey ♪
* ♪ Ring! Ring! I'm a phone operator ♪
* ♪ I've gotta answer the phone. ♪

* You know, this colored paper thing really makes it easy to sort out who's messages who's.
* (laughs)
* Ooh, busy day for this pretend phone operator!
* I better go tell the others that they've got messages.
* (pink door opens)
* Oooh! Jup Jup!
* (laughs)

==Shapes In Space Segment (Shaun Taylor Corbett)==
===From ''Fun Machines'' [1:15]===
* Hi there.
* I'm just making sure my helicopter
* equipment is ready to go.
* You never know when you might have to
* rush off on a rescue mission.
* Got my rescue rope...
* ...tied up nice and tight...
* ....and this is my walkie talkie.
* (Imitates radio)
* Hello! Pilot Shaun here.
* (Imitates radio)
* A rescue!
* Rescue? Don't worry!
* I'll get it back safe and sound, over and out!
* The rescue mission is on!
* Kimee has lost her toy elephant.
* It's stuck up on Shape Mountain!
* Pilot Shaun to the rescue
* Do you guys want to come?
* All right!
* I got my helmet on...
* ...flying goggles on...
* ...into the helicopter!
* Propeller's on...
* ...the propeller spins round and round...
* ...and off we go!

* ♪ I'm gonna fly in the sky up high ♪
* ♪ With the city and the ocean below ♪
* ♪ A rescue helicopter ♪
* ♪ What I see from above? ♪
* ♪ Nobody knows. ♪

* There's Shape Mountain!
* Yes, I can see something stuck at the top!
* There's something with two big floppy ears...
* and a long long trunk!
* Maybe it's the elephant!
* Don't worry elephant!
* Pilot Shaun to the rescue!
* (Imitates helicopter.
* I just got to find a safe place to land my helicopter!
* Down we go.
* Ahhh. Perfect landing.
* Propeller off...
* ...and up shape mountain, I go!
* Oh, it's pretty steep!
* Hi, elephant.
* Let's get you home safely now.
* (exhausts)
* Okay...
* Down we go.
* Okay...
* You can sit here, elephant.
* Okay, strap you in...
* There.
* Okay.
* Propeller on,
* and off we go!

* ♪ I'm gonna fly in the sky up high ♪
* ♪ With the city and the ocean below ♪
* ♪ A rescue helicopter ♪
* ♪ What I see from above? ♪
* ♪ Nobody knows. ♪
* 
* Down we go...
* ...on to the landing pad...
* Touchdown!
* Propeller off!
* KIMEE: Oh, you found my Ellie!
* Oh, thanks, Pilot Shaun.
* There you go, Ellie elephant.
* Another successful rescue.

===From ''Adventures To Other Countries'' [1:16]===
* Hi! I’m going on an adventure today, all the way to Mexico.
* I’m going to climb a pyramid called; The Temple of the Sun!
* Looks like this. See?
* The pyramid’s made of steps so you can climb to the very top.
* Hey - Why don’t you come?

* ♪ There's a pyramid in Mexico ♪
* ♪ Called the Temple of the Sun ♪
* ♪ It's made of big stone blocks ♪
* ♪ Stacked up one by one ♪
* ♪ Step by step, climb to the top ♪
* ♪ Up, up high we go ♪
* ♪ And when you get right to the top ♪
* ♪ We’ll look down at the world below. ♪

* I made a compass so we know which way to go.
* This arrow moves around and points to the direction we’re going.
* East, north, west, or south, so we won’t get lost.
* The arrow’s pointing south, so let’s head south.
* Alright. I’m ready to search for the temple of the sun. Let’s go!
* Oh! Strange place to keep these!
* An adventurer might trip over them.
* Better straighten them up.
* Aha! I’ve just had an idea!
* These cushions look a little like stone blocks.
* They can be the stone blocks of the temple.
* Well, kind of spongy soft stone blocks.
* I’m gonna make a pyramid.

* ♪ There's a pyramid in Mexico ♪
* ♪ Called the Temple of the Sun ♪
* ♪ It's made of big stone blocks ♪
* ♪ Stacked up one by one ♪
* ♪ Step by step, climb to the top ♪
* ♪ Up, up high we go ♪
* ♪ And when you get right to the top ♪
* ♪ We’ll look down at the world below. ♪

* (gasps)
* Look! I think we found the pyramid! Look!
* The Temple of the Sun!
* Wow. It’s huge!
* Well, pretty huge.
* Adventurers, are you ready to climb?!
* Then let’s go!
* This could be a little tricky.

* ♪ There's a pyramid in Mexico ♪
* ♪ Called the Temple of the Sun ♪
* ♪ It's made of big stone blocks ♪
* ♪ Stacked up one by one ♪
* ♪ Step by step, climb to the top ♪
* ♪ Up, up high we go ♪
* ♪ And when you get right to the top ♪
* ♪ We’ll look down at the world below. ♪

* Oh! We did it!
* We climbed to the top of the Temple of the Sun!
* Ooh. Boy.
* That was a big climb.
* I think I need a little rest.
* See you on the next adventure.

==Word Play Segment (Jennifer Korbee)==
===From ''Adventures To Other Countries'' [1:16]===
* JENN: Rrrrrr-rrrrrrrrrrr… Olé!
* CHATS: Olé! That’s Spanish. I’m practicing my Spanish too!

* Oh, what can you say in Spanish, Chats?
* Mmmm… Olé!

* Oh, what about this?
* Your hat?
* Yeah, it’s a hat, Chats. But it’s a Spanish hat. It’s a black Spanish sun hat. See this brim around the edge? It shades you from the sun because it’s very sunny and hot in Spain.
* It’s called a Sombrero.

* Sombr–rero. Sombr–rero. Not easy to say, Jenn.
* You just need to roll your “R”s, Chats.
* R-rrrrr Sombrero.

* Sombr– Sombr– Boy, you picked the hard one.
* Oh, well let’s practice.
* You’ll help me?
* Of course, I’ll help you. Just open your mouth like this. Ahh…
* Agghhhh…
* JENN: That’s right. Now put the tip of your tongue and the top of your mouth and kinda push the air out like this.
* (rolls her “R”s)
* Sombrero. How did you do?
* You sound like a broken-down car!
* (Laughs)
* Vroom Vroom Vroom!
* Hey, that’s a great way to roll your “R”s, Chats. Just make a sound like a car.
* (attempts to roll her “R”s)
* Keep practicing.
* (rolls her “R”s)
* Hey, I got it! Now, Sombrero!
* That’s great, Chats!
* Well, let’s sing a song about the Sombrero, and you can join in with the “R” sound.
* (rolls her “R”s)

* ♪ Sombrero, sombrero, sombrero ♪
* ♪ You wear it on your head, oh ♪
* ♪ You spin it round instead, oh ♪
* ♪ Throw it in the air ♪
* ♪ Throw it everywhere ♪
* ♪ Sombrero, sombrero, sombrero. ♪

* Great song! Sombrero! Hey, I did it! Sombrero!
* JENN: Way to go, Chats!
* Listen!
* (rolls her “R”s)
* Hey, that tickles!
* (laughs)
* That’s great.
* (rolls her “R”s)
* I think she’s got the hang of it.
* (rolls her “R”s)
* Chats?
* (rolls her “R”s)
* Oh well. Wanna try?
* (rolls her “R”s)

* ♪ Sombrero, sombrero, sombrero ♪
* ♪ You wear it on your head, oh ♪
* ♪ You spin it round instead, oh ♪
* ♪ Throw it in the air ♪
* ♪ Throw it everywhere ♪
* ♪ Sombrero, sombrero, sombrero. ♪

==Body Move Segment (Karla Cheatham-Mosley)==
===From ''Adventures To Other Countries'' [1:16]===
* Wow, this must be mount Challenge.
* You wanna climb it with me?

* ♪ Step by step, climb to the top ♪
* ♪ Up, up high we go ♪
* ♪ And when we get right to the top ♪
* ♪ We’ll look down at the world below. ♪

* Nearly there!

* ♪ Step by step, climb to the top ♪
* ♪ Up, up high we go ♪
* ♪ And when you get right to the top ♪
* ♪ We’ll look down at the world below. ♪

* Wow! I can see a lot from up here.
* And what a great climb!
* But we better get back down from the mountain
* before the sun goes down.
* Come on!

* ♪ Step by step, now climbing down ♪
* ♪ Down, down down we go ♪
* ♪ Taking each step one by one ♪
* ♪ Down to the ground below. ♪

* ♪ Step by step, now climbing down ♪
* ♪ Down, down down we go ♪
* ♪ Taking each step one by one ♪
* ♪ Down to the ground below. ♪
* Ah, back on the ground at last.
* Well done, mountain climbers.

==Sharing Stories==
===From ''Touching'' [1:01]===
* Guess what? I'm reading the story today.
* Once upon a time, there was a circus.

* ♪ The Circus is in town, come on an join the fun ♪
* ♪ There's jugglers and clowns and lots of fun for everyone. ♪

* Now this circus was a bit different to any other circus you might have seen
* There is a juggler...
* Oh... Except I can't juggle
* There is also a clown...
* Hi, I'm the clown... I'm not very funny
* Then there was a tightrope-walker.
* Please don't make me go up there!
* I was scared of heights.
* Have I told you about the unicyclist?
* You'll never guess!
* CHATS: Yep.
* Well, I can't ride a bike with only one wheel, why can't I ride a bike with two wheels?!
* Just one more person to introduce; the ringmaster.
* Now a ringmaster is very important because they call everyone to the circus, like this: Step right up! The circus is about to begin!
* Oh, is that how you do it?
* Yep. Come on, you can do it!
* [STAMMERS] Step right up... The circus is about to begin.
* Well, you can see the trouble with this circus, it's just not very good.

* ♪ The Circus is in town, come on an join the fun ♪
* ♪ There's jugglers and clowns and lots of fun for everyone. ♪

* One night, after the show had finished and everyone had gone home, something very surprising happened.
* Whoa!
* What are you doing here?!
* I was about to ask you the same question.
* I was just juggling.
* I didn't know you could juggle.
* I didn't know you could ride a unicycle.
* Just at that moment, something else amazing happened.
* [LAUGHS] What are you doing all the way up there?
* Well, I'm walking the tightrope, and I've been practicing, and I'm actually very good.
* Wow, you're fantastic.
* Now that's a funny clown!
* Then something yippidy-dippity-yip-yahoo-y happened!
* Great work, Chats!
* Step right up! The circus is about to begin!
* I'm just clowning around!
* I always wanted to be a clown.
* I never did like being a tightrope walker.
* But I love it up here.
* [LAUGHS]
* And I can't ride that bike with one wheel.
* Not like you can.
* So the circus that wasn't very good became the circus that was fantastic. Because everyone had found something that they could do really well.
* Step right up! The circus is about to begin!

* ♪ The Circus is in town, come on an join the fun ♪
* ♪ There's jugglers and clowns and lots of fun for everyone. ♪

* Thanks, Chats. That was fantastic.

* Would you mind doing one more thing for me, please?
* Sure, Chats what would you like?
* Can you sing me a song?

* Yeah!

==Cast==
* Curtis Cregan as Jup Jup
* Karla Cheatham-Mosley as Chatterbox</text>
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  </page>
  <page>
    <title>Near to the Wild Heart</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
    <id>250021</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153599</id>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T17:11:33Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Leonaardog</username>
        <id>1767525</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Created page with &quot;'''[[w:Near to the Wild Heart|Near to the Wild Heart]]''' is the debut book by Brazilian writer [[Clarice Lispector]] the book was launched in 1944.  == Quotes == === The Father... ===  **HER FATHER'S TYPEWRITER WENT CLACK-CLACK... clack-clack-clack ... The clock awoke in dustless tin-dlen. The silence dragged out zzzzzz. What did the wardrobe say? clothes-clothes-clothes. No, no. Amidst the clock, the type writer and the silence there was an ear listening, large, pink a...&quot;</comment>
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      <text bytes="3309" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Near to the Wild Heart|Near to the Wild Heart]]''' is the debut book by Brazilian writer [[Clarice Lispector]] the book was launched in 1944.

== Quotes ==
=== The Father... ===

**HER FATHER'S TYPEWRITER WENT CLACK-CLACK... clack-clack-clack ... The clock awoke in dustless tin-dlen. The silence dragged out zzzzzz. What did the wardrobe say? clothes-clothes-clothes. No, no. Amidst the clock, the type writer and the silence there was an ear listening, large, pink and dead. The three sounds were connected by the daylight and the squeaking of the tree's little leaves rubbing against one another radiant.

**Leaning her forehead against the cold and shiny window pane she gazed at the neighbor's yard, at the big world of the hens-that-didn't-know-they-were-going-to-die. And she could smell as if it were right beneath her nose the warm, hard packed earth, so fragrant and dry, where she just knew, she just knew a worm or two was having a stretch before being eaten by the hen that the people were going to eat.

**There was a great, still moment, with nothing inside it. She dilated her eyes, waited. Nothing came. Blank. But suddenly the day was wound up and everything spluttered to life again, the typewriter trotting, her father's cigarette smoking, the

**She twirled around and stopped still, watching without cu riosity the walls and ceiling that spun and melted away. She walked on tiptoe only treading on the dark floorboards. She closed her eyes and walked, hands outstretched, until she came to a piece of furniture. Between her and the objects there was something, but whenever she caught that something in her hand, like a fly, and then peeked at it-though she was care ful not to let anything escape-she only found her own hand, rosy pink and disappointed. Yes, I know the air, the air! But it was no use, it didn't explain things. That was one of her secrets. She would never allow herself to say, even to her father, that she never managed to catch &quot;the thing.&quot; Precisely the things that really mattered she couldn't say. She only talked nonsense to people. Whenever she told Rute secrets, for example, she'd then get angry with Rute. It really was best to keep quiet. An other thing: if something hurt and if she watched the hands of the clock while it hurt, she'd see that the minutes counted on the clock passed and the hurt kept on hurting. Or, even when nothing hurt, if she stood in front of the clock watch ing it, whatever she wasn't feeling was also greater than the minutes counted on the clock. Now, when happiness or anger happened, she'd run to the clock and watch the seconds in vain.

** She went over to the window, drew a cross on the window sill and spat outside in a straight line. If she spat once more now she could only do it again at night—the disaster wouldn't happen and God would be such a good friend of hers, such a good friend that ... that what? &quot;Daddy, what shall I do?&quot;

*&quot;I already told you: go play and leave me be!&quot;

*&quot;But I've already played, I swear.&quot;

*Her father laughed.
:::- ''Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Lispector, Clarice. [Close to the wild heart. English] Near to the wild heart / Clarice Lispector; translated by Alison Entrekin; edited by Benjamin Moser. p.3-6 cm. ISBN 978-0-8112-2002-6 (acid-free paper).''</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3153600</id>
      <parentid>3153599</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T17:12:52Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Leonaardog</username>
        <id>1767525</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>/* Quotes */</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="3440" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Near to the Wild Heart|Near to the Wild Heart]]''' is the debut book by Brazilian writer [[Clarice Lispector]] the book was launched in 1944.

== Quotes ==
=== The Father... ===

**HER FATHER'S TYPEWRITER WENT CLACK-CLACK... clack-clack-clack ... The clock awoke in dustless tin-dlen. The silence dragged out zzzzzz. What did the wardrobe say? clothes-clothes-clothes. No, no. Amidst the clock, the type writer and the silence there was an ear listening, large, pink and dead. The three sounds were connected by the daylight and the squeaking of the tree's little leaves rubbing against one another radiant.

**Leaning her forehead against the cold and shiny window pane she gazed at the neighbor's yard, at the big world of the hens-that-didn't-know-they-were-going-to-die. And she could smell as if it were right beneath her nose the warm, hard packed earth, so fragrant and dry, where she just knew, she just knew a worm or two was having a stretch before being eaten by the hen that the people were going to eat.

**There was a great, still moment, with nothing inside it. She dilated her eyes, waited. Nothing came. Blank. But suddenly the day was wound up and everything spluttered to life again, the typewriter trotting, her father's cigarette smoking, the

**She twirled around and stopped still, watching without cu riosity the walls and ceiling that spun and melted away. She walked on tiptoe only treading on the dark floorboards. She closed her eyes and walked, hands outstretched, until she came to a piece of furniture. Between her and the objects there was something, but whenever she caught that something in her hand, like a fly, and then peeked at it-though she was care ful not to let anything escape-she only found her own hand, rosy pink and disappointed. Yes, I know the air, the air! But it was no use, it didn't explain things. That was one of her secrets. She would never allow herself to say, even to her father, that she never managed to catch &quot;the thing.&quot; Precisely the things that really mattered she couldn't say. She only talked nonsense to people. Whenever she told Rute secrets, for example, she'd then get angry with Rute. It really was best to keep quiet. An other thing: if something hurt and if she watched the hands of the clock while it hurt, she'd see that the minutes counted on the clock passed and the hurt kept on hurting. Or, even when nothing hurt, if she stood in front of the clock watch ing it, whatever she wasn't feeling was also greater than the minutes counted on the clock. Now, when happiness or anger happened, she'd run to the clock and watch the seconds in vain.

** She went over to the window, drew a cross on the window sill and spat outside in a straight line. If she spat once more now she could only do it again at night—the disaster wouldn't happen and God would be such a good friend of hers, such a good friend that ... that what? &quot;Daddy, what shall I do?&quot;

*&quot;I already told you: go play and leave me be!&quot;

*&quot;But I've already played, I swear.&quot;

*Her father laughed.
:::- ''Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Lispector, Clarice. [Close to the wild heart. English] Near to the wild heart / Clarice Lispector; translated by Alison Entrekin; edited by Benjamin Moser. p.3-6 cm. ISBN 978-0-8112-2002-6 (acid-free paper). [https://books.google.com.br/books?id=70gI8y6ozFQC&amp;printsec=frontcover&amp;hl=pt-BR&amp;source=gbs_ge_summary_r&amp;cad=0#v=onepage&amp;q&amp;f=false]''</text>
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  <page>
    <title>User talk:Muntaqibah</title>
    <ns>3</ns>
    <id>250022</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153626</id>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T18:16:26Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>TheAafi</username>
        <id>3043215</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Welcome!</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="193" xml:space="preserve">{{welcome}} ─ [[User:TheAafi|&lt;span style=&quot;color:SteelBlue&quot;&gt;The Aafī&lt;/span&gt;]] &lt;sup&gt;[[User talk:TheAafi|&lt;span style=&quot;color:#80A0FF&quot;&gt;&lt;sup&gt;(talk)&lt;/sup&gt;&lt;/span&gt;]]&lt;/sup&gt; 18:16, 11 August 2022 (UTC)</text>
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  <page>
    <title>User:Favonia1</title>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-11T21:15:33Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Favonia1</username>
        <id>3129277</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>Created page with &quot;💩&quot;</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="4" xml:space="preserve">💩</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Dean Bakopoulos</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
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      <contributor>
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      <comment>Created page</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
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      <text bytes="447" xml:space="preserve">[[w:Dean Bakopoulos|Dean Bakopoulos]] (b 1975) is an American writer

== Quotes ==
=== My American Unhappiness (2011) ===
* As a man of average size and limited physical prowess, I have long ago learned that insanity is far more intimidating than size of strength. Nobody, if you will, fucks with a crazy man.
* There is nothing wrong with the richness of the fantasy life. I am convinced of that: it is always so much more rewarding than reality.</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3153743</id>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-11T23:51:58Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
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        <id>4304</id>
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      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="545" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Dean Bakopoulos|Dean Bakopoulos]]''' (b 1975) is an American writer

{{author-stub}}
== Quotes ==
=== ''My American Unhappiness'' (2011) ===
* As a man of average size and limited physical prowess, I have long ago learned that insanity is far more intimidating than size of strength. Nobody, if you will, fucks with a crazy man.

* There is nothing wrong with the richness of the fantasy life. I am convinced of that: it is always so much more rewarding than reality.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT: Bakopoulos, Dean}}</text>
      <sha1>ayfb8e3f4m8ytti4j0i6lu75a4k9mi8</sha1>
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      <contributor>
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        <id>4304</id>
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      <minor />
      <comment>added [[Category:Novelists from the United States]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]]</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
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      <text bytes="592" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Dean Bakopoulos|Dean Bakopoulos]]''' (b 1975) is an American writer

{{author-stub}}
== Quotes ==
=== ''My American Unhappiness'' (2011) ===
* As a man of average size and limited physical prowess, I have long ago learned that insanity is far more intimidating than size of strength. Nobody, if you will, fucks with a crazy man.

* There is nothing wrong with the richness of the fantasy life. I am convinced of that: it is always so much more rewarding than reality.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT: Bakopoulos, Dean}}

[[Category:Novelists from the United States]]</text>
      <sha1>5adfsyzn5e609ky7k6lvxnsqkyxylmt</sha1>
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      <id>3153745</id>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-11T23:52:16Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
      <comment>added [[Category:Guggenheim Fellows]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]]</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="624" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Dean Bakopoulos|Dean Bakopoulos]]''' (b 1975) is an American writer

{{author-stub}}
== Quotes ==
=== ''My American Unhappiness'' (2011) ===
* As a man of average size and limited physical prowess, I have long ago learned that insanity is far more intimidating than size of strength. Nobody, if you will, fucks with a crazy man.

* There is nothing wrong with the richness of the fantasy life. I am convinced of that: it is always so much more rewarding than reality.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT: Bakopoulos, Dean}}

[[Category:Novelists from the United States]]
[[Category:Guggenheim Fellows]]</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3153746</id>
      <parentid>3153745</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T23:52:23Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
      <comment>added [[Category:1975 births]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]]</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="649" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Dean Bakopoulos|Dean Bakopoulos]]''' (b 1975) is an American writer

{{author-stub}}
== Quotes ==
=== ''My American Unhappiness'' (2011) ===
* As a man of average size and limited physical prowess, I have long ago learned that insanity is far more intimidating than size of strength. Nobody, if you will, fucks with a crazy man.

* There is nothing wrong with the richness of the fantasy life. I am convinced of that: it is always so much more rewarding than reality.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT: Bakopoulos, Dean}}

[[Category:Novelists from the United States]]
[[Category:Guggenheim Fellows]]
[[Category:1975 births]]</text>
      <sha1>2qvfjf9n5xxmic4vx5m0rgjlgc8opq6</sha1>
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    <revision>
      <id>3153747</id>
      <parentid>3153746</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T23:52:29Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
      </contributor>
      <minor />
      <comment>added [[Category:Living people]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]]</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="676" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Dean Bakopoulos|Dean Bakopoulos]]''' (b 1975) is an American writer

{{author-stub}}
== Quotes ==
=== ''My American Unhappiness'' (2011) ===
* As a man of average size and limited physical prowess, I have long ago learned that insanity is far more intimidating than size of strength. Nobody, if you will, fucks with a crazy man.

* There is nothing wrong with the richness of the fantasy life. I am convinced of that: it is always so much more rewarding than reality.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT: Bakopoulos, Dean}}

[[Category:Novelists from the United States]]
[[Category:Guggenheim Fellows]]
[[Category:1975 births]]
[[Category:Living people]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>User talk:Roberto Pistillo</title>
    <ns>3</ns>
    <id>250025</id>
    <revision>
      <id>3153687</id>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T21:21:53Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Roberto Pistillo</username>
        <id>3128241</id>
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      <comment>Robert Pistillo Actor influencer and youtuber artist</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
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      <text bytes="719" xml:space="preserve">Robert Pistillo actor influencer and YouTuber artist athlete, green eyes and 1.83 cm. Tall, zodiac sign of scorpion, has long been hugely successful in the world of social media, fashion and fitness. He managed to have over 100,000 followers on instagram alone to give an example. Since he was a teenager, he has had a keen passion for establishing himself and achieving success. Ambitious is precisely one of the adjectives that distinguish it. I am also persistent and optimistic he told our newspaper.  Passionate about travel and fitness as well as the online world  he always likes to know new things, people and places.  He aims to be independent and to make his dreams come true, with commitment and perseverance</text>
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  <page>
    <title>User:Roberto Pistillo</title>
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      <id>3153688</id>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T21:22:11Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Roberto Pistillo</username>
        <id>3128241</id>
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      <comment>Robert Pistillo</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
      <format>text/x-wiki</format>
      <text bytes="719" xml:space="preserve">Robert Pistillo actor influencer and YouTuber artist athlete, green eyes and 1.83 cm. Tall, zodiac sign of scorpion, has long been hugely successful in the world of social media, fashion and fitness. He managed to have over 100,000 followers on instagram alone to give an example. Since he was a teenager, he has had a keen passion for establishing himself and achieving success. Ambitious is precisely one of the adjectives that distinguish it. I am also persistent and optimistic he told our newspaper.  Passionate about travel and fitness as well as the online world  he always likes to know new things, people and places.  He aims to be independent and to make his dreams come true, with commitment and perseverance</text>
      <sha1>pz5qayzcpwlvuldav4ebq2luabvscx2</sha1>
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  <page>
    <title>David Nokes</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
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    <revision>
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      <contributor>
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      <comment>Created page</comment>
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      <text bytes="1274" xml:space="preserve">[[w:David Nokes|David Nokes]] (March 11, 1948 - November 19, 2009) was a scholar of 18th century English literature, who also wrote biographies, screenplays, book reviews and a novel.

== Quotes ==
=== The Nightingale Papers (2011) ===
* 'Not that there was anything particularly wrong with Marxism as a concept,' McWhinnie grinned. 'It just didn’t work in practice. Much the same as you could say about Christianity; all right as a concept. I trust I don’t offend you,’ he tugged at his jacket-cuffs.
'Not in the slightest.’

McWhinnie looked disappointed.
* For him scholarship had been a refuge: he valued literature not as a reflection of reality, but as an escape route from it. … [In literature] nature was methodised, the poet was always a prince, and the scholar found himself elevated to an all-powerful magus reducing the randomness of events to a dream of traditional order.
* He had long ago abandoned the idea that there was any point in reading books. Perfectly useless{{--}}that was their essential charm. He’d given up reading new books altogether. Someone, he couldn’t remember who, had recommended he read a novel by some Jewish chap. Turned out to be all about wanking. ‘Whacking-off’ he called it. Summed up modern literature perfectly.</text>
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      <id>3153749</id>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-11T23:53:15Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
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      <minor />
      <comment>UDScott moved page [[David nokes]] to [[David Nokes]]</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
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      <text bytes="1274" xml:space="preserve">[[w:David Nokes|David Nokes]] (March 11, 1948 - November 19, 2009) was a scholar of 18th century English literature, who also wrote biographies, screenplays, book reviews and a novel.

== Quotes ==
=== The Nightingale Papers (2011) ===
* 'Not that there was anything particularly wrong with Marxism as a concept,' McWhinnie grinned. 'It just didn’t work in practice. Much the same as you could say about Christianity; all right as a concept. I trust I don’t offend you,’ he tugged at his jacket-cuffs.
'Not in the slightest.’

McWhinnie looked disappointed.
* For him scholarship had been a refuge: he valued literature not as a reflection of reality, but as an escape route from it. … [In literature] nature was methodised, the poet was always a prince, and the scholar found himself elevated to an all-powerful magus reducing the randomness of events to a dream of traditional order.
* He had long ago abandoned the idea that there was any point in reading books. Perfectly useless{{--}}that was their essential charm. He’d given up reading new books altogether. Someone, he couldn’t remember who, had recommended he read a novel by some Jewish chap. Turned out to be all about wanking. ‘Whacking-off’ he called it. Summed up modern literature perfectly.</text>
      <sha1>h8wdhzggopm4iosgak57m03ko8nskks</sha1>
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    <revision>
      <id>3153751</id>
      <parentid>3153749</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T23:54:29Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
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      <text bytes="1357" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:David Nokes|David Nokes]]''' (March 11, 1948 - November 19, 2009) was a scholar of 18th century English literature, who also wrote biographies, screenplays, book reviews and a novel.

== Quotes ==
=== ''The Nightingale Papers'' (2011) ===
* 'Not that there was anything particularly wrong with Marxism as a concept,' McWhinnie grinned. 'It just didn’t work in practice. Much the same as you could say about Christianity; all right as a concept. I trust I don’t offend you,’ he tugged at his jacket-cuffs.&lt;br&gt;'Not in the slightest.’&lt;br&gt;McWhinnie looked disappointed.

* For him scholarship had been a refuge: he valued literature not as a reflection of reality, but as an escape route from it. … [In literature] nature was methodised, the poet was always a prince, and the scholar found himself elevated to an all-powerful magus reducing the randomness of events to a dream of traditional order.

* He had long ago abandoned the idea that there was any point in reading books. Perfectly useless{{--}}that was their essential charm. He’d given up reading new books altogether. Someone, he couldn’t remember who, had recommended he read a novel by some Jewish chap. Turned out to be all about wanking. ‘Whacking-off’ he called it. Summed up modern literature perfectly.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Nokes, David}}</text>
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    <revision>
      <id>3153753</id>
      <parentid>3153751</parentid>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T23:57:52Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>UDScott</username>
        <id>4304</id>
      </contributor>
      <comment>+ 8 categories using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]]</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
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      <text bytes="1653" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:David Nokes|David Nokes]]''' (March 11, 1948 - November 19, 2009) was a scholar of 18th century English literature, who also wrote biographies, screenplays, book reviews and a novel.

== Quotes ==
=== ''The Nightingale Papers'' (2011) ===
* 'Not that there was anything particularly wrong with Marxism as a concept,' McWhinnie grinned. 'It just didn’t work in practice. Much the same as you could say about Christianity; all right as a concept. I trust I don’t offend you,’ he tugged at his jacket-cuffs.&lt;br&gt;'Not in the slightest.’&lt;br&gt;McWhinnie looked disappointed.

* For him scholarship had been a refuge: he valued literature not as a reflection of reality, but as an escape route from it. … [In literature] nature was methodised, the poet was always a prince, and the scholar found himself elevated to an all-powerful magus reducing the randomness of events to a dream of traditional order.

* He had long ago abandoned the idea that there was any point in reading books. Perfectly useless{{--}}that was their essential charm. He’d given up reading new books altogether. Someone, he couldn’t remember who, had recommended he read a novel by some Jewish chap. Turned out to be all about wanking. ‘Whacking-off’ he called it. Summed up modern literature perfectly.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Nokes, David}}

[[Category:Academics from the United Kingdom]]
[[Category:Biographers from the United Kingdom]]
[[Category:Screenwriters]]
[[Category:Novelists from England]]
[[Category:Fellows of the Royal Society of Literature]]
[[Category:1948 births]]
[[Category:2009 deaths]]
[[Category:Literary critics]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>User talk:Favonia1</title>
    <ns>3</ns>
    <id>250028</id>
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      <timestamp>2022-08-11T22:29:33Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
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      <comment>Created page with &quot;LOL&quot;</comment>
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      <text bytes="3" xml:space="preserve">LOL</text>
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  <page>
    <title>José Rodríguez Carballo</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
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    <revision>
      <id>3153737</id>
      <timestamp>2022-08-11T23:34:09Z</timestamp>
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      <comment>Created page with &quot;'''[[w:José Rodríguez Carballo|]]''' (11 August 1953 –) is a Spanish prelate of the Catholic Church who serves as the secretary for the [[w:Dicastery for Institutes of Consecrated Life and Societies of Apostolic Life|]].  == Quotes ==  * If it is true that the charism is translated into life and that life changes, then the works can also change: when an institute does not know how to adapt to this change, it risks concentrating only on the economic aspect, that is, o...&quot;</comment>
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      <text bytes="1213" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:José Rodríguez Carballo|José Rodríguez Carballo]]''' (11 August 1953 –) is a Spanish prelate of the Catholic Church who serves as the secretary for the [[w:Dicastery for Institutes of Consecrated Life and Societies of Apostolic Life|Dicastery for Institutes of Consecrated Life and Societies of Apostolic Life]].

== Quotes ==

* If it is true that the charism is translated into life and that life changes, then the works can also change: when an institute does not know how to adapt to this change, it risks concentrating only on the economic aspect, that is, on the funds to support the works. We have seen that in these cases, in order to save the works, it is possible to have many members lose their vocation and to put the charism itself at risk.
** [https://www.vaticannews.va/en/vatican-city/news/2022-03/institutes-of-consecrated-life-and-societies-of-apostolic-life.html Dicastery for Institutes of Consecrated Life and Societies of Apostolic Life (14 March 2022) ''Vatican News'']

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Rodríguez Carballo, José}}
[[Category:1953 births]]
[[Category:Roman Catholics from Spain]]
[[Category:Bishops]]
[[Category:Living people]]</text>
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    <title>David nokes</title>
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      <contributor>
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      <comment>UDScott moved page [[David nokes]] to [[David Nokes]]</comment>
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      <text bytes="25" xml:space="preserve">#REDIRECT [[David Nokes]]</text>
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  <page>
    <title>B. O. Flower</title>
    <ns>0</ns>
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    <revision>
      <id>3153761</id>
      <timestamp>2022-08-12T00:31:45Z</timestamp>
      <contributor>
        <username>Relinus</username>
        <id>3124592</id>
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      <comment>Starting a page</comment>
      <model>wikitext</model>
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      <text bytes="1392" xml:space="preserve">[[File:9106-arena-volume04 0006.jpg|thumb|Benjamin Orange Flower]]
'''[[w:B. O. Flower|Benjamin Orange Flower]]''' (October 19, 1858 – December 24, 1918) known most commonly by his initials &quot;B.O.&quot;, was an American muckraking journalist of the Progressive era. Flower is best remembered as the editor of the liberal commentary magazine ''The Arena'', published in Boston, New York City, and Trenton, New Jersey by the Arena Publishing Co. from 1889 until 1909. 

==Quotes==

* It seems to me that there is nothing in literature more valuable for young people to read than the lives of those who, in travelling the journey of life, have left their impress for good or bad on society. Every life carries its lessons - it matters not whether they are warnings or inspirations, they are alike valuable to the young who have the journey before them.
** [https://www.google.com/books/edition/Lessons_Learned_from_Other_Lives/LvRDAQAAMAAJ ''Lessons Learned from Other Lives''] (1889), page 3

* However little she may realize it, every girl who rides her [[Cycling|steel horse]] is a vivid illustration of one of the greatest waves of progress of this century, the advancement of women in freedom and opportunity.
** ''Fashion's Slaves'' (1892), [https://archive.org/details/fashionsslaves00flow/page/32/mode/2up page 32]

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Flower, Benjamin Orange}}</text>
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  <page>
    <title>Wikiquote:Quote of the day/August 12, 2022</title>
    <ns>4</ns>
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      <comment>Created page with &quot;{| style=&quot;background: {{{color}}}&quot; | align=center | [[File:Attorney General Merrick Garland.jpg|292px]] | align=center | &amp;nbsp; | align=center | {{quote of the day | quote =  &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; Since I became attorney general, I have made clear that the Department of Justice will speak through its court filings and its work. &lt;br /&gt; Just now, the Justice Department has filed a motion in the Southern District of Florida to unseal a search warrant and property receipt relating...&quot;</comment>
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      <text bytes="3504" xml:space="preserve">{| style=&quot;background: {{{color}}}&quot;
| align=center | [[File:Attorney General Merrick Garland.jpg|292px]]
| align=center | &amp;nbsp;
| align=center | {{quote of the day
| quote =  &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; Since I became attorney general, I have made clear that the Department of Justice will speak through its court filings and its work. &lt;br /&gt; Just now, the Justice Department has filed a motion in the Southern District of Florida to unseal a search warrant and property receipt relating to a court approved search that the FBI conducted earlier this week. That search was a premises located in Florida, belonging to the former president. The department did not make any public statements on the day of the search. &lt;br /&gt; The former president publicly confirmed the search that evening, as is his right. Copies of both the warrant and the FBI property receipt were provided on the day of the search to the former president's counsel, who was on site during the search. &lt;br /&gt; The search warrant was authorized by a federal court upon the required finding of probable cause. The property receipt is a document that federal law requires law enforcement agents to leave with the property owner. The department filed the motion to make public the warrant and receipt in light of the former president's public confirmation with the search, the surrounding circumstances and the substantial public interest in this matter. &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; [[Faithful]] adherence to the [[rule of law]] is the bedrock [[principle]] of the [[w:United States Department of Justice|Justice Department]] and of our [[democracy]]. Upholding the rule of law means applying the law evenly, without [[fear]] or [[favor]]. Under my watch, that is precisely what the Justice Department is doing. &lt;br /&gt; All [[Americans]] are entitled to the even handed application of the [[law]], to [[due process]] of the law, and to the presumption of [[innocence]]. Much of our [[work]] is by [[necessity]] conducted out of the public eye. We do that to [[protect]] the constitutional [[rights]] of all Americans and to protect the [[integrity]] of our investigations.&lt;!--  &lt;br /&gt; Federal law, long standing department rules and our ethical obligations prevent me from providing further details as to the basis of the search at this time. There are however, certain points I want you to know. &lt;br /&gt; First, I personally approved the decision to seek a search warrant in this matter. Second, the department does not take such a decision lightly. Where possible, it is standard practice to seek less intrusive means as an alternative to a search, and to narrowly scope any search that is undertaken. &lt;br /&gt; Third,  --&gt;… Let me address recent unfounded attacks on the professionalism of the [[FBI]] and Justice Department agents and prosecutors. I will not stand by silently when their integrity is unfairly attacked. &lt;br /&gt; The men and women of the FBI and the Justice Department are [[dedicated]], [[patriotic]] public servants. Every day, they protect the American people from violent [[crime]], [[terrorism]] and other threats to their safety, while safeguarding our [[civil rights]]. They do so at great personal sacrifice and risk to themselves. I am honored to work alongside them. &lt;br /&gt; This is all I can say right now. More [[information]] will be made available in the appropriate way and at the appropriate [[time]].
| author = Merrick Garland
}}
| align=center | &amp;nbsp;
| align=center | [[File:Seal of the United States Department of Justice.svg|358px]]
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| align=center | [[File:Attorney General Merrick Garland.jpg|292px]]
| align=center | &amp;nbsp;
| align=center | {{quote of the day
| quote =  &lt;!-- ⨀ &lt;br /&gt; Since I became attorney general, I have made clear that the Department of Justice will speak through its court filings and its work. &lt;br /&gt; Just now, the Justice Department has filed a motion in the Southern District of Florida to unseal a search warrant and property receipt relating to a court approved search that the FBI conducted earlier this week. That search was a premises located in Florida, belonging to the former president. The department did not make any public statements on the day of the search. &lt;br /&gt; The former president publicly confirmed the search that evening, as is his right. Copies of both the warrant and the FBI property receipt were provided on the day of the search to the former president's counsel, who was on site during the search. &lt;br /&gt; The search warrant was authorized by a federal court upon the required finding of probable cause. The property receipt is a document that federal law requires law enforcement agents to leave with the property owner. The department filed the motion to make public the warrant and receipt in light of the former president's public confirmation with the search, the surrounding circumstances and the substantial public interest in this matter. &lt;br /&gt; --&gt; [[Faithful]] adherence to the [[rule of law]] is the bedrock [[principle]] of the [[w:United States Department of Justice|Justice Department]] and of our [[democracy]]. Upholding the rule of law means applying the law evenly, without [[fear]] or [[favor]]. Under my watch, that is precisely what the Justice Department is doing. &lt;br /&gt; All [[Americans]] are entitled to the even handed application of the [[law]], to [[due process]] of the law, and to the presumption of [[innocence]]. Much of our [[work]] is by [[necessity]] conducted out of the public eye. We do that to [[protect]] the constitutional [[rights]] of all Americans and to protect the [[integrity]] of our investigations.&lt;!--  &lt;br /&gt; Federal law, long standing department rules and our ethical obligations prevent me from providing further details as to the basis of the search at this time. There are however, certain points I want you to know. &lt;br /&gt; First, I personally approved the decision to seek a search warrant in this matter. Second, the department does not take such a decision lightly. Where possible, it is standard practice to seek less intrusive means as an alternative to a search, and to narrowly scope any search that is undertaken. &lt;br /&gt; Third,  --&gt;… Let me address recent unfounded attacks on the professionalism of the [[FBI]] and Justice Department agents and prosecutors. I will not stand by silently when their integrity is unfairly attacked. &lt;br /&gt; The men and women of the FBI and the Justice Department are [[dedicated]], [[patriotic]] public servants. Every day, they protect the American people from violent [[crime]], [[terrorism]] and other threats to their safety, while safeguarding our [[civil rights]]. They do so at great personal sacrifice and risk to themselves. I am honored to work alongside them. &lt;br /&gt; This is all I can say right [[now]]. More [[information]] will be made available in the appropriate way and at the appropriate [[time]].
| author = Merrick Garland
}}
| align=center | &amp;nbsp;
| align=center | [[File:Seal of the United States Department of Justice.svg|358px]]
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      <comment>Created page with &quot;'''[[w:Youhannes Ezzat Zakaria Badir|]]''' (12 August 1949 – 27 December 2015) was an Egyptian prelate of the Coptic Catholic Church.  == Quotes ==  * The main problem in Egypt today is political ignorance, for which everything ends up having a religious connotation. This is true both for Christians and for Muslims. We all need to mature politically. ** [http://www.fides.org/en/news/29960-AFRICA_EGYPT_I_would_not_have_any_problems_to_vote_for_a_Muslim_if_I_considered_h...&quot;</comment>
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      <text bytes="882" xml:space="preserve">'''[[w:Youhannes Ezzat Zakaria Badir|Youhannes Ezzat Zakaria Badir]]''' (12 August 1949 – 27 December 2015) was an Egyptian prelate of the Coptic Catholic Church.

== Quotes ==

* The main problem in Egypt today is political ignorance, for which everything ends up having a religious connotation. This is true both for Christians and for Muslims. We all need to mature politically.
** [http://www.fides.org/en/news/29960-AFRICA_EGYPT_I_would_not_have_any_problems_to_vote_for_a_Muslim_if_I_considered_him_appropriate_for_the_office_says_the_Bishop_of_Luxor &quot;I would not have any problems to vote for a Muslim if I considered him appropriate for the office&quot; says the Bishop of Luxor (28 September 2011) ''Fides News Agency'']

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Zakaria Badir, Youhannes Ezzat}} 
[[Category:1949 births]]
[[Category:Bishops]]
[[Category:2015 deaths]]</text>
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      <text bytes="680" xml:space="preserve">----
:'''Seasons:'''  [[Pokémon/Season 1|1]] [[Pokémon/Season 2|2]] [[Pokémon/Season 3|3]] [[Pokémon/Season 4|4]] [[Pokémon/Season 5|5]] [[Pokémon/Season 6|6]] [[Pokémon/Season 7|7]] [[Pokémon/Season 8|8]] [[Pokémon/Season 9|9]] [[Pokémon/Season 10|10]] [[Pokémon/Season 11|11]] [[Pokémon/Season 12|12]] [[Pokémon/Season 13|13]] [[Pokémon/Season 14|14]] [[Pokémon/Season 15|15]] [[Pokémon/Season 16|16]] [[Pokémon/Season 17|17]] [[Pokemon/Season 18|18]] [[Pokémon/Season 19|19]] [[Pokémon/Season 20|20]] [[Pokémon/Season 21|21]] [[Pokémon/Season 22|22]] [[Pokémon/Chronicles|Chronicles]] | [[Pokémon|Main]]
----
== The Legend of Thunder! (Parts 1, 2 &amp; 3) ==</text>
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